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THE TOUGH 
MATCH-UPS 
THE N. 


X-RATED\\ 
WHAT THEN 
0. FÜR 


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ORDINARY 
PEOPLE 


MUSIC '87 
BE SURE-TO :° > 
VOTE IN 


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TT 11 
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What did you do to deserve Beefeater? 


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DEPENDING ox how you look at it, risk taking separates either the 
men from the boys or the foolhardy from the sensible. Thus, 
Craig Vetter is man or a first-class bonchead. He is, 
after all, rıaynoy’s risk taker excellence, having distilled the 

ssence of e acrophobe's nightmares in his legendary five- 
ics Pushed to the Edge in 1978. (In case you don't гете 
Craig walked on the wing of an airplane, climbed an ice cliff, 
nped from an unholy height, sky-dived and almost but not 
quite jumped from one ol Acapulco's famous high-dive cliffs.) 
latest experiment in terror abing, as you'll read in 
Climbers (illustrated by Don Ivan Punchatz), his profile of men 
whose goal in life is to be human flies. Alter reading it, you decide 
whether or not this is a sport for a rational human being. What 
do we think? We 
the kinds of g 
а bad situati 
Playboy Int 
show busi 
in signing up to host her own 1а 
professional suicide. But, then, Je 
Collins, has known te long time, is used to taking professional 
risks. Collins, who has interviewed Rivers several times over the 
years, says that Miss "Can We Talk?" isn't hesitant 10 help oth- 


ther a rı 


you want at your side when the only w: 
is up. Joan Rivers, the subject of u 
view, is a risk taker of a different sort. Any 
who invokes the wrath of Johnny Carson, as she did 
ht talk s s flirting with 


month's 
one in 


ry time Гуе inter- 
viewed her, she has fixed me up with several doctors. She knows 
a lot of them because she likes to take good care of herself. This 
time, true to form, she called up the doctor who had done her 
suction vacuuming and set up a date for me. E said to her hus- 
band, Edger Rosenberg, "You know, 1 feel as if Гус dated every 
ws body. ^ And what did nk of Joan's doc- 
tol hey were all great guys. She has great taste in men. 
great guy is one thing, but a dude is another. To be a real dude 
means you've mastered the art of cool all the way to the freezing 
point. Read Mel Green's Dudes and maybe you, too, can become 
merry chilly. We can tell you one thing that a cool dude knows: 
which man-to-man matchups can determine the result of à pro 
game. In The Ones to Watch, Kevin “Cool Keed” Cook 
prepares yo heit football fan. 

‘To prepare you to be a better buyer. Contributing Editor David 
Rensin asks 20 Questions of consumer maven David Horowitz. Susan 
Squire visited a suburban video store to find out what kinds of 
people rent X-rated films and, as she reports in Ordinary Prople 
(illustrated by John Alfred Dorn Ш), learned that they're very 
much like your n Appropriately, this is also the month. 
for our ye 
1 


а great matchmaker,” says € 


lo be a low 


Arthur Knight, has been 
(Also redesigned is our new two-part 
Playboy Music Poll. Try T n 
movies star this month in oi 
Steve Guttenberg, of the Police Academy films and Cocoon, wears 
avant-garde European clothes in Steve Gultenberg, Get Serious! 
(But Not Too Serious), and Dolph Lundgren, the villain of Rocky IV, 
shows you how to pamper your epidermis in Winning the Skin 
Game, by Beverly Hills cosmetician to the stars Nance Mitchell. 
Fans of good fiction won't want to miss The Professional Sol- 
dier, by Francisco Goldman, illustrated by Breldt Bralds. If you | 
great beauty, feast your eyes on Contributing Photographer Amy 
Freytag's photos of Devin DeVasquez, our June 1985 Playmate, a 
inner on television's Star Search. Move on to this month's 
mate, Donna Edmondson, and enjoy the brainy beauty of 
Céline ta Freni: for the film Foreign Body. Speak- 
ing of brainy beauties, Cynthia Heimel's Women column won't 
ppear this month, because Cynthia has been busy putting th 
finishing touches on her s be-released book from Simon 
& huster, But Enough About You. For now, that's enough 
about us, too. Turn the page and start enjoying this is: 


enwritei 


PLAYBILL 


VETTER PUNCHAIZ 


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алша 


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PLAYBOY 


vol. 33, no. 11 — november 1986 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL ......... TUR Neb ge ee ы ТА КС nca ар 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY......... O ku peas anes tU Ed Ж 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS .... TT "К КАЛКТЫ. 
SPORIS aja EA .......... DAN JENKINS 26 
MEN... — , goose SA ASATRABERI 931 
THEIPLAYBOYFADVISOR O SDS ОМ БО Аы Eee mone 33 
DEAR PLAYMATES: WHAT ARE THE MOST COMMON MISTAKES 
'MENTMAKE IN BED? su. aE ет гек caine AR da a PREG 37 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM... MEE обалар SEAT 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JOAN RIVERS—candid conversation. .................... 49 
DUDES—article ... ive ——— MEL GREEN 68 
SEEMS LIKE OLD TIMES—accouterments ENGLAND 
1987 PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL. ; „уар rne emet ere ern .. 24 
REVVIN' БЕ/1М—рїсїюпПа...................... d ts ade 80 
THE PROFESSIONAL SOLDIER—fiction. .............. FRANCISCO GOLDMAN 88 Dog of War 
WINNING THE SKIN GAME—modern living ............ NANCE MITCHELL 90 
SOLD ON DONNA—playboy's playmate of the топ... ................ 9% 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES huniot =... er eco aic sta ra P e Re 108 
20 QUESTIONS: DAVID HOROWITZ acid 110 
ORDINARY PEOPLE—article А ...-.SUSAN SQUIRE 112 
STEVE GUTTENBERG, GET SERIOUS!—fashion 3 HOLLIS WAYNE 116 
CLIMBERS —orticle ... » жеде ^ + CRAIG VETTER 120 Nifty Miss November 
SEX IN CINEMA 1986—arficle.......................... BRUCE WILLIAMSON 124 
THE PLAYBOY GALLERY y g $ s ГІТ 133 
THE ONES ТО WATCH—sports ....... " eee KEVIN COOK 138 
FOREIGN BODY'S BEAUTY—pictorial . . .. CELINE LA FRENIERE 144 
STATE OF THE AUDIO-VIDEO ART—modern 147 
FAST FORWARD 154 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 191 


Lundgren Saves Face 


COVER STORY ү 
We knew Devin De Vasquez wos stor moterial when we published her June 1985 

Playmate pictorial, and now the entire U.S.A. knaws, thanks to TV's Star Search. 
The cover was produced by West Coast Photography Editor Marilyn Gra- 
bowski ond photographed by Contributing Photagrapher Stephen Wayda; 
Devin's earrings, by Jodi Kahn, ore available through The Bonnie Raseman 
Company, L.A./N.Y. The Rabbit is so happy ta see Devin that he's lightheaded. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLavaor BUILDING. 919 NORTH MICHIGAN AVE. CHICAGO. ILLINOIS EO6 RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS, ORAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED w THEY ARE TO BE 


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Simple to install, he delivers р without paying an arm and a leg. Get 
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‘Auaio/Viaeo Accessory Specialist. 
DEPT, FR ED.-A 46:23 CRANE STREET, LONG ISLAND CITY NY 11107 -BOO-RECOTON 


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a concert hall nothing sounds better. ihrer e Kona ad Мае Ста 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director. 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editar. 


EDITORIAL 


NONFICTION: JOHN REZER articles editor: FIC- 
TION: ALICE К. TURNER editor: TERESA GROSCH asso- 
ciate editor; WEST COAS NEN RANDALL 
editor; STAFF: СКЕТСНЕХ EDGREN, WILLIAM J 
HELMER, PATRICIA PAPANGELIS (administration). 
DAVID STEVENS senior edilors: WALTER LOWE. JR 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writers; MUBARA 
NELLIS, KATE NOLAN. SUSAN MARGOLISWINTER 
(new york) associate editors; much KLUGER assist 
ant editor: KANDI KLINE traffic coordinator; MOD- 
ERN LIVING: ED WALKER asociale editor; p 
BARKER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
MICHELLE URRY edito 
ARLENE BOURAS editor; JOYCE, KUBIN assist- 
аш editor; CAROLYN BROWNE. PHILLIP COOPER 
STEPHEN FORSLING, DEBRA HAMMOND, BARI NASH 
MARY ZION researchers: CONTRIBUTING EDI- 
TORS: ASA BABER. E. JEAN CARROLL. LAURENCE GON 
ZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL. DAN JENKINS, D. KEITH MANO, 
ANSON MOUNT, REG POTTERTON, RON REAGAN, DAVID 
RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STAND 
ISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies), GARY WITZENBURG 


ART 
кеше POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI. LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN. THEO NOU 
varsos asociate directors; KAREN GAMME. RAREN 
GUTOWSKY jumor directors; JOSEPH PACZEK assıst- 
ant direclor; FRANK LINDNER. DANIEL REED, ANN 
SEIDL art assistants; KARKAR А HOFFMAN administra- 
tive manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coust editor: err COMEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON. 
JANICE MOSES. MICHAEL ANS SULLIVAN associale edi 
tors; ATTY BEAUDET assistant editor: POMPEO 
rosar senior staff photographer; охи» мінеу 
KERRY MORRIS staff. photographe 
RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY FREYTAG. RICHARD IAL, STE 
PHEN waya contributing photographers: IRIS 
MERMSEN, ELYCE KABOLAS stylists; James wann color 
lab supervisor 


DAVID CHAN 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN ASTRO director: MARIA MANDIS manager: 


ELEANORE WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAMOLL, RITA JOHNSON assistants 


READER SERVICE 


CYNTMIA LACEY-SIKICH manager; LINDA STROM 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH director; MANIN WIEMOLD subscrip- 
tim manager 


ADVERTISING 
SAUL STONE director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
poro тім DOLMAN assistant publisher: Mtas 
TERRONES rights © permissions manager: VILEN 
KENY contracts administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, 
cisti ursi president 


INC. 


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© 1986 ВОМС. 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


A GLEASON FOR ALL SEASONS 
After reading the Playboy Interview with 
Jackie Gleason in the August issue, 1 
come to only one conclusion: The Gre: 
One definitely is! D found it espe 
interesting to read his р 
теу. The man has class 
Ed Fle 


Roanoke, Virginia 


interview with The Great 


Bill Zehme 
One is great, but why no mention of Glea- 
son's Broadway career, specifically as a 
co-star of one of David Merrick’s most 
beautiful productions, Take Me Along? 

Take Ме Along sullered a mediocre 
pre y because the crities couldn't 
believe that Gleason, who played Sid 


Пу act and sing. That he 
could, superbly, can be proved by listen- 
ing to thc original-cast recording. For rca- 
sons that arc still obscure to me, the show 
dropped out of sight. Gleason should 
bank-roll a revival himself—he could still 
play a hell of a Sid Davis. 

John Cooke Dowd 

Cambridge, Massachusetts 


| ason maintains that he is not 
an alcoholic, merely a drinker. Then he 
ys that the greatest cure for a hangover 
ore booze. What bullshit. Gleason has 
ny of the earmarks of a chronic alco- 
holic. How ironie that an audience will 
laugh at the comic genius who drinks on 
stage but will erucily a pro athlete who lı 
dergone substance-abuse re 
А. М. We 
Keyser, Wes 


sun- 
ibilitation. 


CYNTHIA'S HARD LUCK 
To the incredibly sensuous С 
Heimel: Ma'am, Lam writing to explain a 
w things to vou. First, though, three 


things must be said. 
1. Lenjoy your column immensely 
2.1 read, reread and highly recom- 


ided your book Sex Tips for Girls. 
3. 1 want you. I think lust is the key 
word. 


1 just read your Women column, “A Hard 
Man Is Hard to Find,” in the August 
pravaoy, Two possibilities come to mind 


The first is that it is a joke. The second, 
horrible to conside that it is not. [that 
column is serious, you are living 
wrong place. No woman can send out the 
sex appeal that you do in print and not 
have men killing for her. The city of New 
‘ork may emasculate the men living there: 
never having been there, I can only sur- 
mise that. I can guarantee that this is not 
the case here in Houston. 

I have an oller for you. Come to Hous- 
ton. I will take you to dinner and then 
unleash every fantasy I have ever had 
about you on your body. The best th 
happen is vou will be incredibly satis 
The worst is that you will hav w mate- 
for a column. You сап" id won't, 


he 


lose. 


Jake Parker 
Houston, Texas 


THE CAPED CRUSADERS OF CAPITALISM 

Laurence Shames, in Vikes! Business Su- 
persars! (т\лувоу, August), questions why 
business is going through changes at this 
time. The answer is very simple. Ameri- 
cans are mad as hell and we aren't going to 
take it anymore. Га rring to the fact 
that somewhere between the time that the 
first Ford Mustang rolled oll the assembly 
line and the time that the Chrysler Corpo- 
ration nearly went bankrupt, American 
business lost pride in workmanship. The 
amount of shoddy American merchandise 
showing up in all sectors of life was mind- 
s a reason that 


1 rel 


1 unsmiling Episcopaliaı 

be shown because the la- 
pels weren't sewn on straight, and the 
crooked due to faulty bridge- 
American consumers are fed up and 
c demanding dependability 
those things on which we spend our hard- 
earned money. The Eighties business- 
man's vision ol success is being defined by 


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PLAYBOY 


10 


someone else, the customer; and if the 
businessman wishes to continue marching 
to the beat of his own drum. he'll be play- 
ter soon enough. Free 


ing to an empty the: 
enterprise doesn't mean a hoot if you can't 
pay the bills. So remember, behind all the 
so-called superstars, hoopla and myths of 
today’s business world are the consumers, 
who have finally made themselves heard 
Let's hear it for the little people! 

M. A. B. Clawson 

Houston, Texas 


OLIVIA FANS 
We enjoyed Olivia De Bi s 
trations (Reincarnation, PLAYBOY, / 
very much, and we're interested 
ing some of her prints. Where can they be 
purchased and are they affordable? 
Richard and Michelle I 
Milton, Flor 
Two companies offer Olivia's affordable 
work, and they both advertise іп the same 
August issue. Look at the UndercoverWear, 
Inc., ad on page 130 or the Robert Bane 
Lid., Inc., ad on page 164. 


сап 


THE MEESE RAN UP THE CROCK 
Congratulations on excellent coverage 
of the Meese commission (Inside the Meese 
Commission, тәлшоу, August). Robert 
Seheer's investigative report is enlighte 
ing, if a little frightening. 
the nest step will be FBI 
files on all your subscribers. Pm the onc 
who initially bought my husband his sub- 
scription, so 1 guess that makes me su 
pect. Actually, I'm not one of those 
lefi-wing radicals (though 1 do have a bit 
of Sixties romanticism in me), and 1 
attend my local Unitarian-Universalist 
Church (well, a little radical) regularly 
with my young daughter (my husband 
works Sundays in a respectable grocery 
store). I don't even agree with everything 
I see in riavnoy (does anyone?). But ГЇ be 
damned (the Moral Majority may agree) if 


1 wonder 


1 can stand the way some people want to 
regulate my sex life, what I read and what 
1 see 


1 resent, as a taxpayer, putting out my 
money for such a biased farce as this com- 
mission has proved to be. And I doubly re- 
sent the “findings” being used to help the 
Government meddle in my life, imperiling 
my freedom of choice: 


Rambo has long been available at our 
local video stores. 1 have no desire to rent 
it and I certainly don't want my two-ye 
old to see it, but I won't deny Reaga 
пе else his right to view it as often 
he or she wishes. 

The commission was repeatedly cor 
fronted with the issue of violence, not s 
as the primary problem but refused 10 be 
swayed from its original crusade to protect 
us poor folks (some ol whom have even 
gone to college) from the terrible immoral- 
ity of sex. 


1 only hope enough citizens are willing 
to speak up for their freedoms 
Forum letters) to prevent this travesty from 


going any further. If not, we may one day 


as im you 


find that George Orwell merely grabbed 
the wrong calendar 
Suzi Skutley 
Santa Paula, 


Californi. 


1 send you these wise we 
our greatest American philosophers, with 
whom Attorney General Edwin Meese is 
obviously not familiar. 


Do not be too moral. You may 
cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim 
above morality. Be not simply good: 
be good for something 

HENRY DAVID THOREAU 


In Thoreaw's eyes, I think, Ed Meese 
would be a good-for-nothing. 
Jim Holman 
Oak Harbor, Washington 


In response to the letters in your August 
Forum condemning 7-Elevens for not sell- 
ing мауноу, I would like it to be known 
that I am an independent 7-Eleven fran- 
chisee and that you can continue to buy 
PLAYBOY at my store. 


I believe in the individual's right to buy 


"I am an independent 
7-Eleven franchisee, and 
you can buy PLAYBOY al ту 
store. I believe in the 
individual's right to buy 
whatever he likes." 


PLAYBOY, Cigarettes, beer or whatever he 
likes without others trying to impose their 
moral standards on the general public. So 
please don't boycott all 7-Elevens 

Tom Gomes 

Auburn, Californi; 

Thanks for writing, Tom. And if any other 

7-Eleven independent franchisees who feel as 
you do would like to write to us to let us know 
that viavwoy can still be purchased at their 
stores, we'll be glad to publish their names, 


THEY SAY THE SUN DOES 
SHINE ON SAMMY 

While I enjoy and appreciate your n 

сіп every way possible, I am w 

this as а letter of protest. While y 
the “Music” section (a personal favorite) 
з your August issue, | was appalled to sce 
Charles M. Young’s slanderous assault on 
Sammy Hagar. Before the aforementioned 
critic even begins to assess Van Halen's 
5150 album, he makes the statement that 
he was prepared to h becanse the 
band’s replacement for David Lee Roth, 
Hagar, is an asshole! 

Hagar has been a fine voc 


st since his 


first effort on vinyl in 1973. He sounds 
iothing like Robert Plant (another fine 
vocalist!) and any such comparison is 


laughable. 
May E point out to Youn 


that the big- 


‘ds of one of 


gest difference between Hagar and Roth is 
the fact that Hagar remains sober and 
remembers his lyrics while performir 
Young, however, seems prone to worship 
drunken rambli 


Rob Savage 
Belleville, Оша 


He is obviously 
cw Van Halen 
Where 


s M. Young 
a moron, His review of the 
album is absolutely. ridiculous. 
does Young get off calling Sam 
igawd asshole"? Sorry, Charley, but 
you are the asshole, Slammin’ Sammy is а 
Ма musician, а great live act and a true 
rocker. Нав, jammin’ with the likes 
of Ronnie Montrose when David Lee Roth 
was picking his nose in home room 
Kevin M. Lyons 
‘Tustin, California 


FABULOUS FABIAN 

After viewing your August Play 
we've decided you should design 
title, Playmate of the Decade. No question, 
its Ava Fabian! Her beauty is unsur- 
passed, and we feel she represents every- 
thing PLaywoy means. 

Despite the view of the Me 
other commi beauty suc 
m 
Many thanks. 


nate, 


fea new 


K-Rogers Crew 504 
Canton, Michigan 


I have always been impressed with the 
manner in which pLaveoy photographs and 
presents the ladies who appear in the 
magazine. Um uniquely. impressed wi 
Miss August, Ava Fabian, not only for I 
obvious assets but because one of her turn 
ons is a man in uniform. As an olli 
the U.S. Army, Um proud t0 defe 
only this country but also 
al 
HW Ava would ever с 


id not 


ie ladies who 


men in uniform 


apprec 


¢ for the company 

of an officer and a gentleman, | would be 

the first to volunteer. Pl 

ture of Ava, so ГИ have 
Um defending the American way of life 

Lt. Brian Birdwell 

Fort Worth, Texas 

In the name of patriotism, we're happy to 

fulfill your request, Lieutenant Birdwell. Ava 
certainly inspires us lo stand at attention 


E 


ase, one more pic- 
à reminder of why 


PERFORMANCE COUNTS. 


THE THRILL OF REAL CIGARETTE TASTE IN A LOW TAR. 


9 mg. “tar”, 0.7 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


Last August, we told you about the 
Yuppic/feminist chain letter that promised 
big bucks from an initial investment of one 
dollar. Now discovered. another 
female-perpetrated chain letter that aims 
to reap the coin of a different r 
speak. It reads, “This letter was started by 
a woman like you іп hopes of bringing 
relief to other tired and discontented 
women. Unlike most chain letters, this one 
won't cost you anything. Just send a copy 
of the letter to five of your equally tired 
Then bundle up 
your husband or boyfriend and send him 
to the won 
top of the list. When your 
list, you will receive 16,877 men." 


weve 


alm, so to 


and discontented friends. 


whose name appears at the 
ame tops the 


And here we thought feminist humor 
was an oxymoron 


MELLOW WARE 


What do you get when you cross an acid 
freak with a nerd? The answer is the new 
Timothy Leary. He's dumped his old part 
ner, Baba Ram Dass, for Boolian RAM 
DOS and LSD for an IBM 
Leary has bytehead. He's 
designed а kind of. personality-analyzer 
software that’s supposed to shake up your 
175 being marketed as Mind 
Mirror, with the adverúsing slogan 
in, boot up." Feel as though 
you're having a flashback? There are other 


forsaken 


become a 


stereotypes. 


on, tune 


parallels between Leary's old and new 
interests: We tried Mind Mirror and found 
that the only way to exit is to take the 
floppy disk out of the P.C. and reboot—an 
electronic no-no. 


THE BIG KILL 


than 1200 Americans have 
millionaires via lotteries. Have 
they all immediately quit their jobs? No, 
only forty percent have done so. According 
to The Institute for Socioeconomic Stud- 
ies, here's what the winners have done: 37 
t have kept on working; 24 percent 


More 
become 


peree 


have quit their jobs with по plans for 


future 
retir 


employment; 16 percent have 
ed; 15 percent have reduced their 
working hours; four percent һауе changed 
jobs; three percent have quit their second 
jobs; and one percent have begun working 
longer hours. 


IT BEATS THE RHYTHM METHOD 


We don't know yet whether or not last 
year’s Senate hearings on rock lyrics will 
produce any major changes in what's on 
the radio and on records. So far, there's 
been no Government ntion. But 
south of the border down Mexico, 
bia and Peru way, the United States has 
become far more involved in what tcenag- 
ers listen to. For instance, a project funded 
by the U.S. Agency for International 
Development has produced a radio single 
called Detente, about chastity. Proving 
once and for all that teenagers don't really 
listen to lyrics, the record's climbing 
the charts all over Latin America, Heart- 
felt, if not hormone-felt, lyrics sung by the 
duo Tatiana and Johnny gush, “Ies not 


interv 
Colom- 


time to give ourselves everything” and “I 
say no, even though my heart is burning, 
experienced the 


Funny—we've always 
burn a little lower. 

We've checked with tcen-pregnancy 
experts at Planned Parenthood, and they 
think the songs a great development. 
Right now, 2,000,000 babies a ycar ar 
born to teens in Latin America—so, hit it, 
Tatiana and Johnny 

. 


American rock-n-vollers touring Eu- 
rope are alarmed by the anti-U.S. terrorist 
threat, The band Dokken survived a fire 
bomb attack on its bus in Germany. Could 
have been Qaddafi. Or it could as likely 
theless, bands 
are taking some extraordinary precau- 
tions. We're told that when the notorious 
Butthole Surfers were booked їп Yugo- 
slavia, they billed themselves a 
Mexican band. Could have fooled us. 


have been rock critics. New 


a famous 


TELL US ABOUT KOREA, DADDY 
“They're all female. They wear slacks 
and babushkas and they tote little knap- 
sacks in addition to your golf bags." Ou 
just-returned friend Beckwith was raving 
about the caddies in South Korea. He was 
a smitten man 


“In their knapsacks, they carry little 
ashtrays, a load of dirt mixed with gra 
seed and a spatula. The ashtray is for your 
cigarettes; the dirt and grass seed are for 
your divots. 

"Each time I hacked the fairway, my 
caddie would take her little spatula and 
scoop dirt from her little knapsack until 
she had filled the hole,” gushed Beckwith, 
close to tears. We thanked him for his look 
at life on the Oriental links, but we won- 
dered: Wasn't his favorite part when the 
caddie either che 
cvery shot? 


55 


red or gave comfort after 


. 
In case you've been wondering what to 
call an 


together 


unmarried couple who live 
here are some tasteful definitions 


(all provincial usage) from The Century 


13 


14 


ACHIEVING THE NEW 


Look at us—a generalion of men raised to be sensitive, kind, intelligent and commu- 
nicative. And now, who loves ya, baby? The rules have changed. What you want to be is 
macho. But it's not just Ше same old, same old macho. Even guys like Bogart or John 
Wayne couldn't cut it now. For one thing, they talked too much. Now, Rambo or The 


erminator—these are New Macho guys: men of no words, men capable of v 


lence in 


their sleep. That's the ticket. And now you, too, can be that macho guy. For a bold new 
beginning, just follow these helpful tips, You'll be biting the heads off snakes in no time. 


Always speak as though you were 
talking to a dog: Take a cuc from Sly 
Stallone, who wisely limits his vocabu- 
d. hey, 
he always gets the girl. The communi- 
n of love is a simple language: 
heavy guttural moaning, a few grunted 
nd the occasional word. Stick 
ten—they'll convey anything 
you really need to say: (1) yeah; (2) по; 
(3) hey (5) eat; (6) now; (7) 
more; (8) yeah; (9) die: (10) yeah 

Get in shape: Nowadays, you c 
work out at Nautilus, live on а diet 
from Eat to Win and still end up losing 


lary to a few monosvllables— 


you nd to an aerobics instruc- 
tor. Don't let this happen to you! First, 
you're going to have to quit your job. 


Don't worry about the moncy—after 
you're in shape, you can always find 
as а mercenary. Skip aerobics 
y and go straight to [ree weights. 
Bulk is the key here—so forget about 

E propor- 
1 hi hours 
a day, every day, and slam down about 
12 pounds of raw meat per meal. Soon 
youll be strong enough 10 bench press 
an aerobics instructor with your bare 
hands. 

Eat right: The ancient 
believed. that eating the hear 
enemy would give a wa 
Or maybe it was the Incas. The Aztec 
Who cares? The important thing is that 
they weren't Yanks, so they can all go 
to hell, anyway. The modern macho 
type unde ds the warrior tradi 
of the past but embraces modi 
tities 10 keep in peak physical condi- 
tion. So, hey, try eating the heart of an 
artic ae a, right? 

A word about your arsenal: А lot of 
guys sull think its incredibly cool to 
rry an Auto Mag 44 Magnum, just 
like Clint. Eastwood. Clint 
Have you been at a ‘Tupperware party 
for the past three years? Clint is a 
mayor now, for Christ's sake, and 
youll recall that іп the Dirty Harry 
movies, the mayor was always the bad 
guy. Eastwood is probably sitting at his 


Mayans 
of an 


n nu- 


ide 


'astwood? 


desk right now, poking at some zoning 
papers with a riot stick or bawling out 
some cop for roughing up a jaywalker. 

Grow up—Magnums are history. 
The only way you're going to tur 
this heavily armed culture is 
by packing some major ordnance. Uzis, 
MAC 10s and AK47s are all a dime a 
dozen. Try a M203 grenade launcher 
After all, today’s well-outfitted men 
know that firepower is the difference 
between being dre 
dressed to kill. 

Put an “0” at the end of your name: 
Look, you were born in a Twinkie era 
Your parents were Twinkies. They 
dressed like Twinkies, list à 
musi 


heads 


ed and being 


c and probably gavi 
name, The sad fact is, you aren't gonn 
make the A-Team with a name lik 
Brian, Alan, Dwight or Steven. No 
way. Here's a simple test to determine 
whether or not your name is tough 
enough to make it in the world of 
Macho. Just i 


ing down. They counted on the cops’ 
running scared. They even counted on 
the Pentagon to turn its back. But they 
didn't count on 
? Mike? Billy? Craig? Get real. 
Grown men will giggle when they he: 
your name. Your author should kuow. 
He feels ashamed every time he le 
village with his assault rifle, He pi 
tures the survivors gathered 
carnage, As the smoke rises, a chieftain 
steps forward g 
one man who could have done this,” 
“The one they call Terry . 
But Terro—now, that's macho. 

A final word: These tips will get you 
started, but you're going to have to 
develop your own style for handling 
day-to-day situations. Be your own per- 
son. A lot of guys will usc any схе 
shoot somebody, but maybe that’s not 
right for you. Maybe you prefer to stab 
people or just рініп blow them up 
You're an individual; you have to 
decide for vourself—just like В: 

— TERRY RUNTE 


ely. "There's 


sa 


se to 


ambo. 


Dictionary and Cyclopedia (1889). Tally: to 
live tally; to live together as man and wife 
without marriage. Tallyman: a man who 
lives with a w 


Tallywoman: 


man without m 
man who lives tally. 

. 

The Indonesian oflice of food crops is 
offering $1000 for a song singing the 
praises of the soybean. Thoma 
suggests how certain mu: 
tackled the problem: Scuze Me While I Kiss 
Ihe Soy (‚Jimi Hendrix); Soy to the World 
(Three Dog Night) and our favorite- 
You're Soy Vain (Carly Simon). 

E 

Second graders in a New York City pub- 
lic school were asked to list the ten greatest 
people who ever lived. The results, in 
order: New York's Ma 
Claus, George V 
Cosby, Dwight Good: 
lent Reagan. Fred 
and Brooke Shields. 

. 
зи doubt thi 


iage. 


a we 


юг Edward Koch, 
ashington, Bill 


Nest t legis 
ever actually do any useful work, remem- 
ber the headline that appeared in The Vet- 
eran: “SENATE PRESSES VETS SUN'S. 


DATES FROM HELL 


You know the feeling. You thought 
you'd done everything right, but some- 
how everything went wrong. You won- 
der, Is this how Bogey and Bacall did 
il? This month, we present another 
firsthand report from our tattered boak 
of dates: The Neurotic. 
She lived in an ap 
absolutely no furniture in it, 
thing she explained by saying that 
she wanted only perfect things 
around her and couldn't find any. 
As we sat and chatted, she offered 
me no refreshments, so I asked if'she 
had any wine. She told me to look in 
the fridge, where I found six wi 
glasses filled with gel nd noth- 
ing else. When we got to my car, a 
age VW convertible in perfect 
ape, she told me it didn't. make 
the proper si nt and that | 
should buy à BMW 525i, because it 
has a leather interior. She also 
me my Velero wallet wa 
and that only leather. felt 
the finger tips. Later, she told me 
that food gave he che and 
that she wanted to sleep with me, 
but we wouldn't have sex. That 
night, I learned the meaning of the 
phrase “Lie there like a lox." But th 
sting le me the next morn- 
ing, when she refused. to use any 
soap that I had used, explai 
‘Thats how women geb v 
infections. Soap just hasn't been 
nee." 


lors 


riment with 


some- 


І [I 


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Pro Wonder CMR 300 available with op- 
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ability to capture pic- 
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You'll miss a chance to 
get this optional, hard- 
shell camera case.See 
your participating RCA 
dealer for details. 


TECHNOLOGY THAT EXCITES THE SENSES 


RENE. 


16 


NELSON GEORGE 


Most OF THE best or, at least, most com- 


mercial albums this year have come from 
female vocalists. Add to that list three new 
ones by ladies with deeply contrasting 


styles. Jean Carne's roots are in jazz, but 
for the past ten years, she has made her 
living singing R&B. She has had sc 
sporadic success, but somehow she could 
never find a comfortable niche for her idio- 
syneratic vocals. On Closer Than Close 
(Omni), Carne finds a soul mate in 
saxophonist/producer Grover. Washing- 
ton, Jr. On the title track, Flame of Love, 
Lucky Charm and a surprisingly effective 
reading of the pop chestnut Everything 
Must Change, Washington provides the 
right touch of supple funk, creating mel- 
low music spiced with salty grooves. 
The key to Gwen Guthrie has always 
been the boogie. Although she enjoys a 
well-deserved reputation as а song- 
writer/background vocalist, it is through 
12-inch singles such as Padlock that Guth- 
rie has developed a cult following. On her 
PolyGram debut, Good to Go, Guthrie dis- 
plays her allegiance to foot movement by 
turning the Bacharach-David ballad Close 
to You into a mid-tempo dance track. How- 
ever, the album's highlight is a Guthrie 
composition called Ain't Nothing Going On 
but the Rent, а song as humorous 
rice as Barrett Strong's Money. 
We all know Madonna by now—wild 
chick with the cross around her neck, the 
ugly jacket and the omnipresent belly but- 
ton, right? Well, по. On True Blue (Sire), 
is in a state of subtle transfor- 
he is still a self-assertive street 
girl, but her textures and lyrics are mature 
. Papa Don't Preach is Madonna 
the loose girl, all right, but one with a 
father she respects and the desire to start 
a family; Live to Tell is in the same vein. 
The arrangements here аге more imagina- 
tive than anything else she has done to 
date. And considering she's previously 
been produced by Reggie Lucas and Nile 
Rodgers, that’s saying plenty, particularly 
since Madonna coproduced True Blue. 


5 ауа- 


CHARLES М. YOUNG 


Something about Michael Stipe's voice 
makes the knots go out of my stomach, 
shifis my brain to pensive mode and 
makes me wonder, What does it all 
mean?— which | can't do for long without 
worrying that I'm becoming a pud, which 
nots right back in my stomach. 
E.M. cut to date that tran- 


puts the 
The only R. 
scends this sort of bowel churning for me is 
Radio Free Europe, one of the all-time 


£ n’-Rorschach blots, by which 
all other R.E.M. produet must be me 
ured. So does the latest R.E.M. LP, Lifes 
Rich Pageant (1.R.S), measure up or down? 


Madonna wanna be grown-up? 


Blue Madonna, 
solo El DeBarge and 
David Lee Van Roth. 


Several cuts come close to up, particularly 
I Believe (a testament to Pm not sure 
what) and Swan Swan H (powerful but a 
lyric destined to be explicated іп freshman 
poetry classes). Only song with party-tape 
potential is Superman, a cross between the 
Beatles’ Кат drone and The Who's far- 
sighted paranoia in / Can See for Miles 

Malcolm Dalglish has figured out a way 
to muffle the strings of his hammered dul- 
cimer on Jogging the Memory (Windham 
Hill) so they go plink instead of ploing, 
adding a whole new dimension to an 
instrument heretofore better suited to a 
dance than to the temples of a New 
Age meditation. Ploing fans should be 
advised that Dalglish does not plink exclu- 
sively, but neither do his diminished-chord 
ploings inspire any do-si-do. For those who 
want pure pensive mode without distraci 
ng lyrics and with more musical content 
than most New Age offerings. 


bai 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Back when he had the guts to call him- 
self Eldra, EI DeBarge masterminded the 
exquisite family harmonies of DeBarge. 
But though the austere lilt and falsett 
ntasy of its [m а Special Way sold 
ndsomely, the group never conquered 

at means white) audience. It 
was just too idiosyneratic—and too 
steeped in black harmony-group tradition 
So on El DeBarge (Gordy), the you 
singer-songwriter-producer goes solo, hi 
ing hack songwriter-producers such as Jay 


1 
the "pop" (ih 


Graydon and Peter Wolf to help him pass 
as one more ingratiating opportunist. 11% 
pute to El's natural musicality and the 
indomitable sweetness of a voice a just 
God would have bestowed оп a braver guy 
that thi сісззіу ready-made synth- 
glitz concoction simulates a winning ii 
сепсе anyway. It’s great summer music, a 
noncritic friend tells me, And that gets its 
ight just right. The videos for G "s 
Stevie Wonder-ish Someone and Burt 
Bacharach's Eldra-ish Love Always (and 
more) may even alert fans to the gorgeous 
In a Special Way—or to the El DeBarge 
album an angry God had damn well better 
order him to mastermind nest time. 


10- 


wi aydoi 


VIC GARBARINI 


When David Lee Roth left Van Halen, 
his former bandmates slagged him off as a 
condescending, domineering bore. But Eat 
“Em and Smile (Warner), Diamond Da 
new solo effort, pays Van Halen the ulti- 
mate compliment. Guess Dave figured if 


"s 


GUEST SHOT 


РАКЕ MC ENTIRE is making noise on the 
country charts with the droll shitkicker 
singles from his first album, "Too Old 
to Grow Up Now” (RCA). He says, 
“Tell em Pm no drugstore cowboy." 
Here's Pake on another original, 
David Lee Roth, and his debut solo 
LP, "Eat "Em and Smile": 

“See, 1 listen to country radio, 
t play David Lee Roth 
first time I ever heard of him 
was when my producer joked that 
he wanted me to be a country ver- 
of David Lee Roth. lm 
impressed with him. He's a real fun- 
loving good-timer. He's ап amaz- 
ingly versatile singe arc no 
dead lines in any of these songs— 
nothing could have been erased. 
There are some real hot guitar leads 
and rides. As for specific songs, if I 
put Yankee Rose in my show, | 
couldn't be still for a sccond— I'd 
have to dance. 'm Easy makes me 
reach for my jitterbug boots. And I 
can really appreciate this one line 
from Goin’ Crazy: ‘I'm going coco- 
nuts, but at least Pm going my 
way.” 


18 


FAST TRACKS 


0 € K 


Christgau | Gerbarini | George | Marsh 


METER 


El DeBarge 7 | 


2 S та” | 


EI DeBarge | 
Eurythmics | 


Revenge 


David Lee Roth | 
Eat ‘Em and Smile 


7 2 5 
9 8 9 
5 2 4 


Steve Winwood 
Back in the 
High Life 


; | 
EM REI 
; | 


© 


6 


PRETTY CHEEKY DEPARTMENT: А Cecil 
ting of Mick Jaggers bare 
auctioned off to a dedicated 
fan for a bundle in England this past 
Mick probably didn’t pos 
"ved that someone snapped a 
photo and il painted from it. 
REELING AND ROCKING: Michelle Phillips’ 
book about The Mamas and the Papas, 
California Dreamin’, has been sold to 
the movies. Debbie Harry will 
appear in Forever Lulu, a film shot in 
the US. by an Israeli director. . . . 
Ron-D.M.C. plans to make another pi 
tu bout rap music, despite negati 
feclings about its first, Krush Groove 
“Krush Groove was too Hollywood," 
$ Darryl McDaniels. “We want some- 
thing to be real city.” Look for Tougher 
than Leather іп 1987. Aretha has 
contributed new music to Wheopi Gold- 
berg's latest movic, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, 
which should be coming out as you 
1 this, 2 At last, vou can buy 
Don't Look Back, the D. А. Pennebaker 
film of Dylan's 1965 English tour. . . . 
Sean Penn hopes to star in a screen bio 
k singer Phil Ochs, who killed him- 
self in 1976. Penn and Ochs's brother, 
Michael, are looking for a screenwriter. 


on his autobiography, Not Bad fora Kid 
with Rickets. He hopes it will ultimately 
a movie. . , . Gregory Hines 
play Jelly Roll Morton on the 
- Do you know there's an 
imo heavy-metal band called North- 
ern Hore? . . . Michael Jockson's next 
album will be accompanied by a 15- 
minute. film. - You'll have to wait 
until the spring of 1987 for a new Tears 
for Fears album. . . . Carl Perkins is 
on a fall tour that would 
include Ringo and George and perhaps. 
even Julian Lennon. Can you im- 
aginc? . . . David Bowie will bc tour- 
ing the world, beginning most likely 


w 


in Australia, after the first of the 
year. . . . Look for a new Tom Petty al- 
bum. . . . The Pointer Sisters arc doing 
a TV special. . . . HBO staged a Sixties 
revival at the old Fillmore West, with 
Joan Baez, Joe Cocker, Country Joe, Paul 
Butterfield, Carlos Santana, Al Kooper, Etta 
James, The Lovin’ Spoonful and Sly and the 
Family Stone, among others, on stag 
There was a light show, and Bill Graham 
introduced the acıs, just as he used to 
do. . Cyndi Lauper has recorded 
Marvin Gaye's What's Goin On. 22. 
David Lee Roth's new album, Eat Em and 
Smile, features Dave's cut of the Sinatra 
classic Thats Life. Rescarch on 
teens and rock lyrics done at California 
State University at Fullerton. found 
that the beat and the over-all sound of. 
a recording are of greater interest to 
teens than lyrics are, Maybe two or 
three percent of all teens devote their 
full attention to lyrics when listening 
to music. Hear that, P.M.R.C.? . . 
Sheena Easton’s first husband, Sandi 
Easton, is now doing a drag show 
clubs around England, and one of the 
females he’s impersonating is Sheena. 
Sandi bills himself as "the other 
Sheena.” A spokesman says Sheena’s 
aware of her ex's performances but has 
no comment - A tell-all book. 
by Michael Des Barres’ wife, a former 
groupie Miss Pamela, is sched- 
uled for publication next fall, Miss 
Pamela apparently had some big-time 
s with some big-time guys. Des 
s called the book “outrageous, real- 
ig." The title? I'm with the Band. 
VERY BEST QUOTE OF THE MONTH: Here's 
the Godfather of Soul, Mr. James Brown, 
on why he'd rather drive a Lincoln 
a Caddy: “For me, asa m. 
ing for the Afro-American struggle, 
Lincoln the man was important. I love 
Lincolns. I see them as a symbol of 
freedom,” — BARBARA NELLIS 


nown 


n work- 


you can't keep ‘em, you may as well clone 
“em, because Roth's new band, led by 
whiz guitarist Steve Vai, is a rather blatant 
attempt to copy his former group's signa- 
ture sound and an in-your-face answer to 
Roth’s little problem of replacing the 
world's hottest guitarist. OK, ГИ admit 
that Vai is a master technician, but so is 
the guy who repairs my air conditioner. 
Sure, Vai bends, swoops and soars up and 
down the scales real neatly, but there's a 
dimension missing here. You always know 
where he's going, whereas with Eddie 
there's a sense of some entirely unpred 
ble spirit that guides his random litte di 
its into a realm of greater freedom. As for 
Dave, he doesn't sound half as clever with- 
out Eddie's gentle genius there to provide 
a foil. Roth controls this band, so the dy- 
namic tension sparked by the clash of op- 
posing temperaments is gone. To be fair, 
Шеге are some excellent, maybe even in- 
spired moments here. But Sammy Hagar's 
gaffes aside, it isn't hard to tell the original 
from the Memorex. 


DAVE MARSH 


Steve Winwood is one of rock's great 
child prodigies. I'm a Man and Gimme 
Some Lovin’, his teenage hits with the 
репсег Davis Group, still sound ferocious 
20 years alter they were cut. His work with 
Traffic and Blind Faith established the 
blend of folk, blues and jazz that was the 
bedrock of Britain's “progressive rock" 
and sustains the likes of Genesis to this 
day. Since Trafic broke up the better part 
of a decade ago, he's made only three solo 
albums, the best of which is his new one, 
Back in the High Life (Island). 

Winwood remains a remarkable singer: 
Of all the participants in the British Inva- 
sion, only Van Morrison and Eric Burdon 
could touch him for chops and soulfulness 
and for being the real progenitor of Phil 
Collins and Peter Gabriel. Now, with pro- 
ducer Russ Titelman, he has put together 
some of his hottest tracks in ycars. In fits 
and starts, this is fascinating music. 

Unfortunately, what it isn't is a finished 
record. Winwood the songwriter is as lim- 
ited as Winwood the performer is gifted. 
Even the best numbers here— Higher 
Love, Wake Ме Up on Judgment Day and 
the title track— feel more like accumulated 
good ideas than anything honed. The 
result is as frustrating as it is intriguing. 

Winwood's best work has always 
emerged from the pens of others (most 
notably Jackie Edwards and Jim Capaldi), 
but these days, he mostly writes with 
Nashville vet Will Jennings, who steers 
him into lyrical corners as well as musical 
ones. Back in the High Life is obviously 
meant to be some sort of statement about 
Winwood’s reclusiveness and his reasons 
for going back out on the road this ycar 
but you could listen for months and never 
penetrate those reasons. 


TONIGHT, BE FRENCH. 


MOUTON-CADET 


бу Baron Philippe de Rothschild 


Mouton-Cafet* table wines, Imported by Palace Brands Company; Farmington. СТ. ©1986 


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22 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


ANTIDRUG CRUSADERS would be wise to cite 
Sid and Nancy (Goldwyn) as a powerful 
propaganda tool A flaming hit at the 
Cannes festival last May, the story of Sid 
Vicious and his groupie girlfriend Nancy 
Spungen is an clegy for the hard-rock 
Romeo and junkie Juliet whose deaths 
gave the punk movement some bizarre 
dramatic stature. Strung out on heroin 
while holed up in Manhattan's Chelsea 
Hotel in 1978, Sid stabbed Nancy and was 
free on bail, charged with her murder, 
when a lethal dose of smack closed his case 
forever. The infamous Sex Pistols, ener- 
gized by Vicious and Johnny Rotten, had 
already disbanded after their meteoric suc- 
cess at banging out bad manners and 
worse music for the slam-dance set. But 
who the hell was Sid Vicious, and why 
bother making a movie about him? "He 
embodies the dementia of a nihilistic gener- 
ation," notes one wry wiscacre. Sid's and 
Nancy’s brains are fried when they first 
meet in London, and it’s downhill the rest 
of the way, from fix to fix, from shrill highs 
to suicidal despair. Always hopeless and 
rowing—nauseatingly so, at times— 
the movie is redeemed to a great extent by 
director Alex Cox, whose first feature was 
Repo Man, already a cult classic. Неге, 
Cox's snakily fascinating screenplay (writ- 
ten with Abbe Wool) has bits of macabre 
comic relief, socked across by performers 
who more than meet the challenge of 
eming simultaneously vulgar, wasted 
and vulnerable, In the title roles, sereen 
newcomers Gary Oldman and Chloe 
Webb soar out of anonymity, with effective 
backup by Drew Schofield as Roten. 
Designed as much to be endured as 
enjoyed, Sid and Nancy is not a pretty p 
ture and isn't meant to be—this perverse, 
brilliant subculture grafito thrusts the 
decline of Western civilization right under 
our noses. УУУ 


. 

The ups and downs ofa rich and famous 
family gathering at a beach house in 
Malibu lend the cachet of celebrity chic to 
Blake Edwards’ That's Life (Columbia), with 
irector Edwards’ wife, Julie Andrews, 
co-starred opposite Jack Lemmon and 
close relatives coming out of the wood- 
work. Life was mostly filmed in and 
around Edwards’ own Malibu pad and is 
frankly autobiographical. Lemmon por- 


trays a highly successful California archi- 
кесі, about to become 60 ( rds is 64), 
who is in a snit about his age, his health 


As the milestone 


and his sexual potency 
birthday approaches, enter the family 
members, cach with a problem to ponder. 
Andrews is a famous singer who's con- 
cerned that a polyp removed from her 
throat may be malignant (Edwards milks 
this waiting-lor-the-lab-test mystery for all 


Nancy (Webb) and Sid (Oldman) on the road. 


Films wax biographical 
One's harrowing, one's 
a flashy confessional. 


it's worth and then some). Their visiting 
children arc a macho TV star (played with 
verve by Lemmon, Jack’s son), a 
pregnant young matron (Jennifer Ed- 
wards, Blake's daughter) whose husband 
neglects her and another daughter (Emma 
Walton, from Andrews’ first marriage, (0 
designer Tony Walton), who studies saxo- 
phone at Juilliard and has just walked out 
on her lover is so short, К. 
you have to make every moment count" i 
Julie's motherly advice, delivered with her 
customary cool. ‘That cliché pretty well 
sums up the sleck shallowness of the di 
log. Perhaps overcompensating, Lem- 
mon's agitated performance—all. spurts 
and stammers— tends to push the m: 
too hard. Felicia Farr (Mrs. Lemmon) 
plays a flamboyant fortuneteller who 
simultaneously restores his potency and 
gives h re some choice 
bits of humor, but Edwards’ flashy contes 
sional comedy scores highest as a Holly- 
wood home movie that lures the audience 
into a game of who's who. YY 


е 


сга 


m crabs. There 


. 
British playwright Michael Frayn 
(whose Noises Off and Benefactors carned 


raves on London and Broadway stages) 


demonstrates his whimsical way with 
words in a pixilated comedy called Clock- 
wise (Universal). John Cleese, а past mas- 


ter at Monty Python madness, maintains 
top form as a fussy headmaster whose per- 
feetly ordered world crumbles one day 
when, en route to deliver an important 
speech at a conference, he misses his train 


Before journey's end, he steals a car and 
clothing, destroys a public telephone 
booth, impersonates a priest and has 
fleet of police, parents and outraged vic- 
tims on his trail. Although stretched pretty 
far, Clockwise is downright hilarious. at 
least half the time, which earns it better 
than passing grades. УУЗ 
. 

Indian actor Victor Banerjee, starring 
in director Ronald Neame’s Foreign Body 
(Orion), projects the same quality of 
cager, corruptible innocence that served 
him so well as the falsely accused rapist in 
A Passage to India. Having а far happier 
time with Celine La Freniére’s impish 
screenplay (for more about the author, се 
"Foreign Body's" Beauty, page 144), Ban 
jee shows off his comic flair as Ram Das, 
an immigrant who goes to London from 
Calcutta, finds and loses a job as a bus 
conductor and winds up as a fashionable 
Harley Street physicia thout bother- 
ing to get a degree in medicine. How all 
this comes to pass and how Ram Das 
repeatedly tries to lose his virginity cannot 
be adequately summarized here, Не ulti- 
mately succeeds at everything, ed by 
friends complementing | ural 
exuberance, not to mention a wondrous 
traction machine that produces unexpect- 
edly satisfying benefits for the bogus doc- 
tor's patients. Heading Body's blu 
company are Trevor Howard, Ge 
McE 
and other 

ble British goods in a small but tastefully 
titillating package, ¥¥% 
. 

The stylish, stunning look of Manhunter 
(De Laurentiis), shot at eye-popping 
angles by cinematographer Dante 
Spinotti, identifies it as the brain child of 
write ctor Michael Mann. He's the 
Mann who created TV's Miami Vice, and 
he brings the same visual panache to this 
suspense drama adapted from Thomas 
Harris’ novel Red Dragon. William L. 
Petersen stars as an introspective detectiv 
who has already required psychothe 
because his method of tracking a se 
killer is to project himself into that same 
homicidal mind-set. Petersen's perform- 
ance is high-concentrate stull, and Man- 
hunters cerie, unnerving momentum lasts 
for about hall the distance the movie has 
to go. After the murderer (chillingly 
played by Tom Noonan) has surfaced, 
Mann’s screenplay lapses into confusion 
and irrita 


N 


s own na 


-ribbon 


aldine 


wan, Warren Mitchell, Denis Quilley 
alwarts, your guarantee of reli- 


g intellectual pretentiousness. 


Irs a designer thriller, done in white on 
white, but the result is dullish, УУ 
А 
Justifiable s the theme of^night, 
Mother (Uni Ларга by Marsha 


Norman from her Pulitzer Prize-winning 
Norman from her Pulitzer Pı Е 
play. The negative vibes of Norman's 
two-character tour de force, essentially a 


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PLAYBOY 


right-to-die debate between mother and 
daughter, create a dramatic event with 
scalding emotional impact but with mar- 
ginal appeal to any among us who still 
consider life worth living. Actresses, of 
course, thrive on such golden opportuni- 
ties, and Mother has a lode оГ 
showstopping scenes equally divided 
between Anne Bancroft and Sissy Spacek. 
As the beleaguered mom with a back- 
woods accent, Bancroft valiantly works up 
a sweat in a role that would have been a 
natural for Geraldine Page. Perfectly cast, 
Spacek exudes plain-Jane pathos as the 
epileptic young woman at the frayed end 
of everything—abandoned by her hus- 
band, out of touch with a wastrel son and 
unwilling to cope a day longer. “I'm tired, 
Pm hurt, Pm sad, I feel used," she 
explains before she loads a revolver and 
spells out appropriate funeral arrange- 
ments. Tom Moore does all he 
can to minimize the claustrophobic 
depression inherent to the piece. Nice 


An underdog team from a jerkwater 
na town wins the state's high school 
basketball championship іп Hoosiers 
(Orion). Behind the tcam stands Gene 

а jeran coach with a con- 
al past, making his own comeback. 
Behind Hackman stands stalwart Barbara 
Hershey, the fellow teacher who ii ly 
believes there are things more important 
than hoop competition. Not always stand- 
ing but damned near running away with 
the picture is Dennis Hopper in a dynamic 
perormance as one team member's 
drunken, occasionally redeemable dad. 
It's a notable achievement to steal a scene 
from Hackman, an actor whose bulldog 
grip on reality has kept many flimsier films 
from coming unglued, Hoosiers is handi- 
capped by familiarity шөге than by any- 
thing else, despite all the local color 
soaked up by director David Anspaugh 
while shooting on location around In 
ana, basketball's heartland. Do you need а 
hint about what happens when the score is 
tied in the final quarter with only 30 sec- 
onds to play? YY 


. 

Jazz fans, rejoice. The world of black 
bebop musicians bopping around Paris 
і muted into pure film 


poetry 
nicr’s Round ight (Warner). Made 
English, the movie stars jazz saxophonist 
Dexter Gordon, whose performance as a 
aging, boozy American musician abroad 
jumps off the screen no less forcefully than 
‘do his riffs on the horn. Playing a sax solo- 
ist named Dale Turner, Gordon is unfor- 
gettable when he wakes up to another 
bleary, burned-out day, wondering 
whether or not he'll make it to his next gig, 
and opens his basso-profundo voice box to 
croak, “I love Paris in the springtime.” 
“Turner and Tavernier Paris is seen 
through а gray-blue haze of cigarette 
smoke at the legendary Blue Note, a club 


Midnight's Gordon, Cluzet à table. 


Jazz greats conquer 
Paris; Hopper steals 
Hoosiers from Hackman. 


that was the European home base for the 


jazz greats ol yesteryear. Dedicated to Bud 


Powell and Lester Young, Midnight is a 
vibrant labor of love loosely based on 
Powell's friendship with a loyal French 
fan, illustrator Francis Paudras. On film, 
Francis is played by Francois Cluzet, who 
comes across like a Gallic Dustin Hof- 
man—he's a graphic artist and one-man 
life-support system so devoted that he 
often sacrifices his wife, his daughter and 
his own peace of mind to the sax man’s 
cause: anything to keep the guy gu 
There's scarcely any plot in the conv 
tional sense, because the movie is 
mood—richly atmospheric, lyric and | 
surely in tempo, drenched in new and 
recycled jazz. Herbie Hancock at the k 
board, playing a band member named Ed- 
die, is composer, arranger and conductor. 
The score, recorded live, is remarkable; 
but what sticks to your ribs even after the 
low blue notes fade is Gordon’s shambling 


gallantry as a man who wearily sums up, 
“Dm tired of everything . . . except the 
music.” ¥¥¥¥ 
. 
‘Two sceming nerds employed іп a nov- 


elty shop in Edinburgh have a s 
hobby. Off duty, th 
as a clown, the other as the Wolfin 


an—and 
hold up tour buses in the Scottish High- 


lands. Stymied by sundry mishaps and 
natural incptitude, the bumbling thieves 
(Vincent Егіе and Joe Mullaney) become 
a popular attraction for foreign tourists, 
who queue up in hopes of being held up en 
route from glen to glen. Written by Ninian 
Dunnett and directed by Michael Hoff- 
man, Restless Natives (Orion Classics) is as 
larky as a romp in the heather. ¥¥¥% 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


About Lost Night ... Windy City singles 
scene à la Mamet, Moore & Lowe. ¥¥¥ 
Aliens Sigourney vs. big bug momma in 
outer spacc. wy 
Blake Edwards’ That's Life (See review) 
All in the family of Blake and Julie. YY 
Clockwise (Scc review) Time well spent 
with Python John Clees We 
Dona Herlinda and Her Son Homosexuals 
made happy down Mexico way. ¥¥¥ 
Extremities Feminist vengeance—Far- 
rah vanquishes would-be rapist. ¥¥¥ 
The Fly Based on the June 1957 pravnov 
story and 1958 film, David Cro- 
nenberg’s vivid spin-off gives new life 
to the term ad nauseam. yyy 
Foreign Body (See review) Medicine 
man from atta takes London. ҰҰУ» 

M marriage man- 
Streep & Nichol- 


ual recycled for 


son. wy 
Hoosiers (5се review) Hackman, Hop- 
per, Hershey on hoop circuit u 


Howard the Duck Bang! Crash! Quack! 
Heavy-feathered and dated comic 
romp. Lucasfilm lays an cag. y 
Manhunter (Scc review) Turns sopo- 
ic— but keep tracking actor William 
L. Petersen. E 
Men Sly German comedy about a cuck- 


olded husband's sabotage of his 
rival wm 
The Men's Club Whatll they be when 


never know. ¥ 
ns on 


they grow up? We mà 
Mona lisa АП hail Hc 


e 


mitten by enigmatice London 
whore. vy 
‘night, Mother (Scc review) Who ever 
said suicide is painless? yy 


Nothing in Common Once more into the 
generation gap—but Gleason and Hanks 


keep father-son feud flashy WA 
Parting Glances Pretty boys and witty 
boys of Manhattan's gay set yyy 
Restless Natives (Se: м) Tour-bus 
highwaymen in Scottish High- 
lands. We 
Round Midnight (Scc review) Paris set to 
bebop and all th УУУУ 


Sherman's March How 
mentary gets sidetracked by sex. ¥¥% 
She's Gotta Have It ting any lately? 
Three guys help her say yes. vv 
Sid and Nancy (Sc ew) Too much 
too soon for a famous punk two- 
some. wy 
Spring Symphony Schumann's music. 


plus passionate pianist (Nastassja 

Kinski), inspires something like aural 
T 5 

sex. yy 


Stand by Me Stephen King story about 
kids and a corpse. Wa 


УУУУ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


Andrea McArdle, 


Frank Massandrea, 
Annette Noble, Designer AIC я 
Design Director, Bob Mackie, Robert Lee Morris, 
Danny Noble, Ltd. Designer Sheila Johnson, кес siena. Jewelry Designer 
Меде! Editor, Ше Magazine 


Anthony Barboza, Е * ^ "i 
Photographer d lexander Julian, 
Ben none Designer 


Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Elizabeth Taylor, Calvin Klein, Michael Collen, Mariel Hemingway, 
Sex Therapist Actress Designer Musician with AIDS Actress/Restauranteur 
Groce Jones. Luis Palacios-Jimenez, Laura Carrington, Myrna Ruskin, Michaele Vollbracht, 
Actress Social Worker Actress Caring Person Artist 
Andrea Evans, Elizabeth Kummerfeld, i 
+ lu ды Phok h by Gi M Ron Ruskin, 
Actress Director of AmFar otograph by Gordon Munro President of Batus 


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It can strike anyone. That's why everyone has to help. 
Only research will cure it. But research takes money. 
Please join these caring people and send a check to 
American Foundation for AIDS Research, Box 29, New York 10116. 


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call 1-800-228-5200 toll-free. 
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2/2 
MARTELL COGNAC 
-The Pride of Cognac. Since 1715. 


Imported Cognac. 80 proof. The Jos, Gameau Со. Louisville. KY. 


Tilly, has 32 pages of color illustrations of 
the works of Picasso, Egon Schiele, Rodin, 
Aubrey Beardsley, Modigliani and David 
Hockney, among others. The pictures 
tudy men and women alone, together and 
h others of their own sex. It's a beauti- 
ful and provocative book. 


w 


What's that th А 
Todd? Who's this Todd, you may ask, and 
whats he rowing? That is, unless you're 
fortunate enough to know someone from 
bama to translate for you. Oh, it's Roll, 
Tide! То non-Southerners, Alabama is 
but Сеойгсу Norman's 
Alabama Showdown (Holt), subtitled “Тһе 
Football Rivalry Between. Auburn and 
Alabama," goes a long way toward chang- 
ing that. It focuses on the wonderfully 
intense and semicrazy football wars be- 
tween those two schools and their legions 
of supporters, concentrating on the 1985— 
1986 season but ranging through the long 
history of thos nd the attendant. 
stratagems, passions, tragedies and gener- 
ally oddball bel avion they produce. The 
sports anecdotage is richly abundant, fun 
even lor damn Yankees. But the book is 
larger than that. Through this football 
i y, Ne , who's a native son, m. 
ages to provide a portrait of this much- 
misunderstood state. As they say down 
there, до ahead: You owe it to yourself. 

б 

Novelist Jerome Charyn was born in the 
Bronx and worked his way through 
Queens and Brooklyn to Manhattan. 
When you read his novels, you'll detect a 
City toughness and vitality in 
n owes the city a debt, and 
he has paid it by writing Metropolis: New 
York cs Myth, Marketplace, and Magical Land 
(Putnam’s). The 13 chapte: 
сепсе and hard reporting айога fascina 
ing glimpses of our premier city. 

P 

John Updike's novels generally have а 
wide appeal, but his new one, Roger's Ver- 
sion (Knopf), may be tough going for 
some. 175 heavy on theology and science 
(one character is trying to prov 
ence of God through computer кесі 
ogy), and Updike liberally sprinkles Latin 
notes throughout the first hall. On the 
up side, there’ , though pompou: 
narrator. lu: fier his slatternly niece 
while pondering his perky wife's seduction 
of a bor n computer nerd. This is 
Updike's 11th novel; we've liked them all. 


ers’ The Ghostly Register (Contemporary 


Books), an up-to-date compendium of 
supposedly h tions around the 
United States. If you're into celebrity 


Erotic Drawings: Modigliani's Caryatid. 


Artistic erotica; 
a ghostly guide; Wilson's 
America in paperback. 


ghosts, the specter of John Wayne purport- 
edly appears now and then on The Wild 
Goose, a yacht he once owned, 
berthed at Newport Beach, Cali 
you're into more malevolent sp 
à two-story restaurant оп 17.5. 
ledge, Florida, where women entering the 
powder room often feel suffocated— 
sometimes paralyzed—and the toilets 
sh by themselves; a house in Greens- 
, North Carolina, where the presiding 
famous for giving people 
rcuts while they sleep; 
or a hunting cabin in Hancock, Wisconsin, 
where you're likely to be grabbed by a 
dark figure in the middle of the night and 
held down on your bed until whatever it i 
decides to let you go. 

. 

The British were the leading drug tral 
fickers of the 19th Century, shipping thou- 
sands of tons of opium into China in chests 
marked with Queen Victoria's insignia 
and carried aboard ships protected in con- 
voy by the Royal Navy. It has been est 
mated that by 1840, the Chinese addict 
population was between 10,000,000 and 
12,000,000, at which point both countries 
went to war and Britain settled for the 
lease to Hong Kong, 

‘The United States, with its ris 
population, is the 20th Century equivalent 
of China, but so many countries ship drugs 
to this country today—some with and 
some without their governments! con- 
nivance—that if we followed China's 


ing addict 


example, we'd have to go to war with half 


the world, as well as with large drug- 
producing parts of the U.S. itself 

In The Fix (Tor/St. Martin's), subtitled 
"Inside the World Drug Trade," Brian 
Freemantle leads us through the stupeh 
ing numerology that defines the modern 
drug business; and if he fails to impress us 
with many revelations about the scum- 
bags who profit from this deadly trade, it's 
not for lack of statistics. Unfortunately, the 
official habit of throwing money 
Beer has had: no a Ele 1. Аз one 


with narcotics? You с 
problem.” Read it and gnash your t 
. 

If you missed Gahan Wilson's America 
when it came out last spring, you have 
another chance: The Fireside paperback 
version is now available. W 


America is a little 


much funnier and more demented. 
. 
Re-Making Love: Тһе Feminization of Sex 
(Anchor/Doubleday) is an odd 


а Ehrenreich, Elizabeth Hess and 
jacobs set out to show that the rev- 
sexual attitudes was initiated by 
women—not men. They want to take 
credit for the sexual revolution 
everyone forgets that happened. 
The book has 
sightedness i 

history of pop-culture/media notions of 
sex, written after reading news clips 
Ms., New York, Cosmo and the introduc- 
tions to best-sclling sex books. But thc 
authors end up with paper about paper— 
not people. They start by analyzing young 
girls’ peeing in their pants at a Beatles 
concert and conclude with young women 
peeing in their pants after discovering 
their G spots. In between, the authors 
auend a fundamentalist sex semina 
best chapter), a fuckerware party 
other events. Women have always been the 
atckeepers of sex, and during the Sixties 
and Seventi 8, they let themselves go 
‘ough the same gates. We have all bene- 
fited, and that's the real story of the sexual 
revolution. One these authors mi 


Barb: 


before 


BOOK BAG 


The All-Jewish Cartoon Collection (Peri 
gee), by Mort Gerberg: This extremely 
nice Jewish boy appears regularly in our 
pages. So buy his own pages already. 
hey re very funny 
O-Zone (Putnam’s), 
World traveler Theroux journe 
future with this fat 
novel about a bh 
ed with nuclear wi 
"accidents" and social corruption 


es s 


by Paul Therou 
s into the 


SPORTS 


D: all of the excitement. being 
stirred up these days for America’s 
ioned but parochial fans of football 
all, I feel it’s my duty to point 
out that the biggest sporting event of 1986 
has already taken and, (rankly, my 


past summer as the riffraff of 
24 nations had so much rollicking good 
fun at the Copa Mundial, thc World Cup of 
soccer futbol, in Mexico. 

Once every four years, the riflraff get to 
take a month off and go to an exotic land 
to wave flags, wear quaint regional cos- 
tumes, sing, weep, fight, chant, litter and 
snarl traffic; and all in all, it gets the old 
batteries recharged. It enables them to 
rededicate themselves to their normal pur- 
suits of dropping trays of food in restau- 
ants and killing people in their taxicabs. 

I don't know about the next person, 
who was here until a moment ago, but I 
was glued to the TV set throughout the 
whole affair in Mexico. I was glued to the 
TV set four years ago, when the World 
Cup was played in Spain, and four years 
before that, when it was played wherever i 
was played. The main reason I've stayed 
glued to my TV set through all of these 
soccer games is that I'm still looking for a 
color-coordinated goalkeeper. 

In this space, Гус spoken out rather bit- 
terly times about the attire of various 
sporting teams and athletes. My violent 
hatred of the see-through fish-net jersey 
now worn by most of our college and pro 
football teams is a matter of record. Гуе 
alled for the imprisonment of all major 
league baseball players who stretch the 
knees of their uniforms down to their an- 
kles, obscuring the color of their socks. I've 
screamed in the night about the skimpy 
little collars and scrooching-up sleeves 
on the shirts worn by the great tennis 
players—Commies or otherwise. 

But the biggest clothing mystery in 
sports is why the goalkeeper on a soccer 
team always dresses as if an airline has lost 
his luggage. It is a fact that when a soccer 
team’s forwards, s and wingmen аге 
all wearing red shirts and white shorts, for 
example, the goalkecper will invariably be 
wearing a uniform of yellow, orange, blue, 
in direct contrast with both his 
teammates and the Hag of his nation. 
Sorry, but I find this terribly weird. Fur- 
ther, I see it as something that’s stifling the 
growth of soccer, the world’s most popular 
game, in our country. So what, I say, if the 
poorly dressed goalkeeper doesn’t seem to 


By DAN JENKINS 


DRESSED TO 
DISTRESS 


bother foreigners? 1 would remind you 
that foreigners also eat tripe and rabbit. 

u aren't as baffled as Lam about the 
серег mystery, let me put it in per- 


specii 
the catcher for the New York Yankees. 
suited up in a red-polka-dot dress, or if the 
quarterback for the Green Bay Packers 
barked his signals wearing pink pajamas? 

Tl tell you what you would think. You 
would think that the U.S.A. had capitu- 


lated to a foreign power and the editors of 


The Washington Post were sitting on the 
story because they hadn't been able to ver- 
y it with more than two sources. 
I tried to get to the bottom of things 
summer, while the Copa Mundial was in 
progress. | looked up an acquaintance 
who was the most feverish soccer fan I 
knew, a waiter in New York, whom I shall 
call, in order to preserve his identity, 
Humberto Vargas Evisto de Santos. 
"Humberto," I said, "why does the 
Ikeeper in soccer dress so funny?" 


You must understand soccer," Hum- 
berto said 
“I understand soccer,” I said. “А guy 


makes à goal, runs around the stadium 
shaking his fists, sinks to his knces and 
weeps while his teammates fuck him dog 
style, Tell me why the goalkeeper wears 
purple if his team color is green. 

“The goalkeeper is the only one who 


can touch the ball with his hands,” said 


ve for you. What would you think if 


Humberto. “The referees must b 
recognize the goalkeeper.” 

Let me suggest something, 
uppose the team wears blue shi 
white shorts, OK? Why couldn't the 
keeper wear a blue-and-white-striped shirt 
and blue shorts, for instance? That would 
make him easy for the referces to spot, but 
he'd still be wearing the colors of his coun- 
try, right?" 

“Not possible,” Humberto said. 

“Why the hell no” 

“Because he is the goalkeeper.” 

Having settled the issue to his satisfac- 
tion, Humberto asked what 1 thought of 


fere 


Diego Maradona, the greatest soccer 
player in captivity. Maradona was in the 


process of foot-dribbling the ball through 


numerous awkwardly с 
win the World Cup for Argentina. 
"Maradona!" said Humberto. “Fantas- 
tic! He is the best athlete in Ше world 
That was going a bit far, I felt. While I 
was aware that M dona's left foot was 
Mozart and his right foot was Beethov 
the guy was 573” and 152 pounds. In ту 
country, he'd be a jockey or, at the out- 
side, a second basem: 
L thought of telling Hu 
had once spent a winter 
dona, or that 1 had once tried the Diego 
Maradona and found the sauce too thick, 
or that I had a Diego Maradona hanging 
over my fireplace. But all I did was agree 
Diego Maradona was fantastic, pri- 


nberto that 1 
n Diego Mara 


marily because he was color-coordinated 
with his team. 

My greatest uniform shock came when 
Argentina met West Germany in the 
World Cup final. I eagerly turned on the 
TV to watch the Argentines, in their 
familiar pale-blue-and-white | vertically 
striped shirts and black shorts, do baule 


with the West Germans, in their fami 
white shirts and black shorts with red-and- 
How piping. West Germany's colors, as 1 
knew, were red, yellow and black. So wl 
happened? Out came the teams, and d 
wearing green shirts 
rts. Green and white? Not the 


and white sho 
goalkeeper, the godd: 


n team! 

“Green and white?” I yelled incredu- 
lously at the TV announcers. “West Ger- 
many? Green and white?” 

No explanation. Nothing in the print 
media, either. So to this day, 1 do not 
know why, in the final of the Copa Mun 


ad up playing y 


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І thought it was a crank call at first, ров- 
sibly one of my friends setting me up 
for a joke. “You can call me Jean,” the 
woman said. "I read your column every 
month and I want to talk with you. You're 
missing something. You're putting women 
in a very narrow category, and I'm tired оГ 
it. Can we talk?” 

“По you have a last name? 

“Not for you," she laughed. 

"Lunch tomorrow?" 

“Lunch tomorrow," she said. 

Jean turned out to be a beautiful woman 
in her late 30s, thin, well dressed, with 
green eyes and high checkbones, a former 
model whose frankness left me trailing in 
the dust. 

“You write as if women were all of one 
mind about erotica and pornography,” 
she said as we sat down. “Why group us 
all together? We're not unanimously for 
censorship. Some of us use pornography to 
get turned on. It has helped me.” 

"Really?" I said, trying not to let my 
voice betray me. “Tell me about it.” 1 took 
a drink of water and pretended to be cool. 

“I love fantasy. I love sex. I know how 
10 distinguish fantasy from reality. Most 
people do. I'm a very sexual person—am 1 
making you nervous?" 

“Of course not," I lied. 

“You look like you're sweating." 

“Of course I’m not sweating,” I said as 
I wiped my forehead. Jean was tan and 
long-limbed, She smelled of lemons and 
tropical things 

“I'm going to be very blunt,” she said. 
“You write for PLAYBOY. I should be able to 
talk straight with you about sex.” 

“Talk away.” I waved my hand. “Hey, 
I'm used to this. Happens every week.” 

You keep putting women in little boxes 
when you write about us. You assume that 
we all approve of the Meese commission, 
that we favor censorship, that we're not in 
touch with our sexuality. That may be true 
for some women, but 105 not true for 
me—or for a lot of my women friends 
Why don't you ever write about us?” 

“I will, I will,” I said. 

* said pornography has helped me. I 
mcan that. My sexual history is probably 
a lot like yours. I was made to feel guilty 
about sex when I was young. I сап remem- 
ber my mother slapping my hands when 
she caught me playing with myself. I was 
only four or five. My mother's anger 
stopped me. I kept my hands on top of my 
sheets for a long time, even though I loved 
masturbation. Still do. So do you, right? 


I asked. 


By ASA BABER 


WOMEN WHO 
LOVE EROTICA 


“Right,” I squeaked. 
“Anyway, I felt very guilty about sex, 
and I was given almost no information 
about it. My parents never talked to me 
about it. The basic message was that sex 
ty and evil and that I should not be 
ing about it. So I tried to control my 
thoughts. But I liked boys and I felt sexual 
and I ended up confused, frightened. 
"Then, one day, when I was in my teens, I 
found my brother’s porn collection. Wow! 
Pll never forget that moment. What an 
education! I mean, I learned how every- 
thing fit, where everything went, what 
people did together. And I let my fantasies 
go for the first time, really. I'd been aff. 
to fantasize, but those pictures turned me 
on, and I felt free to experiment with 
myself. I'm saying that I'm a woman who 
has responded sexually to pornography 
and that Pm not ashamed of that, OK?” 

"OR," I said. 

“So stop doing what the Meese commis- 
sion is doing: Stop stereotyping women. 
We're much more complex than you've 
admitted; agreed?" 

“Agreed,” I said. I thought Jean looked 
like Daryl Hannah's older siste 

“Women should have the right to enjo 
pornography if they want to. Our imag; 
nations are as rich as yours. Why is such 
a double standard applied to us? Why 
does everyone assume we're automatically 
turned off by erotica?” 


ome women make a lot of noise about 
how turned off they are," I said. "And 
how turned off we all should be." 

“But they don't speak for mc. And these 
right-wing males who sound as if they're 
protecting me from my baser incts? 
“They don't speak for me, either. You know 
what they're afraid of? A bunch of horny 
women. We're dangerous: If we watch too 
much porn and get turned on, they may 
not be able to handle us. And if we read 
too many sexy books and magazines, who 
knows what might happen? Thar's part of 
their thinking, you know?" Jean paused. 
“The censors think we can't. distinguish 
fantasy from reality. That has to be the 
basic thought: People have to be protected 
from that confusion. But when | watch an 
X-rated tape or look at pictures or read а 
book, I know Im dealing with fantasy. I 
can tell the diflerence. As a matter of fact, 
I want to experience things in fantasy that 
I know I can't experien life 1 
want the freedom to do that. 1 need it. 
Take right now: I can imagine seducing 
you. That doesn’t mean DU do it, г 

"Heaven forbid," I said. I tried to look 
pained at the thought. 

"I can fantasize, | can entertain mys 
I can see a video tape of people n 
love and I can enjoy it. At the same time, Î 
know I'm not in it. I think women need 
this kind of empowerment. It should be 
OK for us to like erotica, to use it, to 
respond to it. There's nothing wrong in 
that, is there?” 

“1 don't think so," I said. 

“Face it: We're all voycurs.” 

“Yep.” I nodded 

"E like Nancy Friday's books. I like 
reading about other people's fantasies. It 
makes me feel less lonely somehow. 1 
don't like violence in pornography. But I 
don't mind a little dominance. Two men 
and one woman? Love it. Am 1 mal 
you nervous? I like talking to you about 
ng a good tim 


“You look like you're 
time,” she said, smiling. 
“Well, it’s all in a day's work, 
“Sure, Baber,” she said. 
“You gotta do what you gotta do," I 
ture 
for a living. Now I have to talk with beau- 
ful women about their sex lives. Its a 
dirty job, but somebody's got to do it." 
There's nothing dirty about it," Jean 
said, "and you love 
She had me on both counts 


1s 


31 


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| MARTINIROSSI 


A 1 


START WITH MARTINI & ROSSI, 
ADD ICE AND STIR EMOTIONS. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Т... is a serious q so please do 
not laugh it off. My husb: as just had 
braces put on his tceth. During pues. һе 
has told me, he ne 

eretions. Gan you please tell us 
secretions will discolor the metal in has 
braces or in any other way damage them? 
For example, will their acidity break down 
or corrode the metal despite good oral 
hygiene? ‘These braces are costing us 


nd 


$3500, so, obviously, we can't allord a sec- 
h are very shy and 
he orthodontist 


ond set—plus, we b 
we would absolutely die 
could look at the braces 
do in the privacy of our home. Please 
Portland, 


answe 


you сав. Ма. L. M., 
Oregon. 

Just when we thought we'd heard every- 
thing. Your husband would have to routinely 
perform cunnilingus on lemons 10 corrode his 
expensive dentalwork. Relax and enjoy. 


ady to buy a German 
rd of "gray mar- 
nd Porsches sell- 


Mss арон 
luxury car, and Гуе he: 
ker” Mercedes, BMW: 
ing for thousands of dollars less than 
dealer prices. My instincts tell me there 
must be a catch. What is i?—J. R. 
Northbrook, Ilinois. 

In the early Eighties, a strong dollar cre- 
ated the gray market. High-status German 
cars were thousands of dollars cheaper over 
there. Certain models were nol even available 
here. Fhat was then; this is now. A lot of peo- 
ple encountered tremendous problems with 
bargain beauties; the Government cracked 
down: the dollar got weak. All this is not to 
say that no gray-market car is legit or worth 
Ihe risk, There will always be a demand for 
rare exotics and specialty cars nol otherwise 
available here, and there are legitimate small 
importers still meeting that demand. Just 
beware, and keep in mind the fact that U.S. 
safety and, especially, emissions standards are 
so exacting these days that very few mechanics 
or shops have the engineering knawledge or 
equipment necessary lo bring a European- 
spec car into compliance with them. Anyone 
considering а gray-market purchase should 
definitely invest $22.95 in the “Handbook of 
Vehicle Importation,” from the Automobile 
Importers’ Compliance Association (А.1.С.А.), 
12030 Sunrise Valley Drive, Suite 201, 
Reston, Virginia 22091. Or call АЛ.С.А. at 
500-862-6666. And remember that if any 
new- or used-car deal seems too good to be 
true, it probably is 


Recently, my wife asked me 
go with some of her friends to a male strip 
joint or an all-male revue—whatever you 
want to call it. I gave my permission, fig- 
uring there could be no harm in it. When 
she came home, I w ill awak nd we 
talked a littl: about what had gone on. 
‘Then she asked me if | was hot to trot, and 
we made love. It was fan 


he could 


wc talked some more. It was then I found 
out that the women were allowed to stulf 
dollar bills into the men's G strings and 
that the performers went out into the audi- 
ence and sometimes danced with the 
patrons. My problem is that I don't know 
if she made love to mc or to one of them. If 
1 were to ask or tell her my feclings, she 
would get upset and say, "There's the 
green-eyed monster again." She says 
she wants to go again, that the first timc 
was fun. I love my wife very much, and I 
don’t want to ruin her night, but it keeps 
me up at night wondering. Гуе been to 
go-go bars, and you can't touch those wom- 
en or dance with them. Is it different at 
male strip joints? Should I be concerned?— 
. P., New York, New York. 

Arousal сап come from many sources. If 
you try to police it or impose any restrictions, 
more often than not, it disappears. The nov- 
elty of your wife's first evening out with the 
girls was arousing—bul she came home to 
come with you. That's the only thing that 
counts in this situation. We wouldn't worry. 
Just lie back and enjoy a woman who feels she 
is being risqué. 


Why do you never publish any letters 
about food? I notice that the little box at 
the end of the column invites any reason- 
able questions about fashion, food and 
drink. Well, here's a question about food. 
Is there a diet that can improve your si 
life? Will eating oysters make you more 
potent?—P. J., Chicago, Ilinois. 

Eating is nature's шау of helping you stay 
alive; and once you've accomplished that, sex 
sort of just happens. Oysters are not really an 
aphrodisiac—it’s just that if a woman can 
swallow them, think of what she will swallow 
later. However, since you insist on а sex 


х 


diet, we will refer you to Saint Barnabas, 
one of ihose fundamentalist food freaks. The 
Epistle of Barnabas used to be part of the 
New Testament. According to sex researcher 
John Money, old Barnabas felt that “if you 
vat the meat of the hare (or rabbit), you will 
become an adult lover of the underaged and 
you will be unclean, having anal intercourse 
with an adolescent boy, because these animals 
grow а пеш anal opening each year, one for 
every year they have lived. 

“If you eat the meat of the hyena, you will 
become unclean and will practice seduction 
and adultery with both men and women, 
because this animal changes ils sex every 
year; one year it copulates with males and the 
next with females, 

“If you eat the meal of the weasel, you will 
commit unclean sexual acts with your mouth 
or have unclean sexual acts performed on you 
by mouth, because this animal conceives 
through us mouth.” 

We don't know what that “unclean” busi- 
ness is all about—Baruabas must be talking 
about a soul-food barbecue. But our recom- 
mendation: Eat weasel. 


Ham a 20-year-old college student from a 
large Southern university and ha 
recently been involved with a year-old 
woman whom I've grown to care for very 


e 


much. When I met her, she was lonely, 
having not dated іп a year, since she had 
been hurt by somebody. After a week of 


small talk, I asked her over for dinner. We 
enjoyed a good meal. Afterward, she made 
a very subtle pass at me while we were on 
the couch, so I proceeded to unbutton her 
shirt, lightly kiss her breasts and suck her 


nipples. All the while, 1 was stroking the 
crotch of her jeans. 1 once tried to unzip 
her pants, but she stopped me; so I, being 


concemed with her pleasure, continued 
the foreplay for about another ten minutes. 
At that point, her back arched, her nails 
dug into my neck and she moaned very 
loudly. | knew she was having an or- 
gasm. It made me extremely happy to get 
the chance to make her happy- Now the 
strange part: We have not even come close 
to doing anything else sexually in the past 
month. If I ever mention ou time 
together, she cuts me y. 1 do 
now she is from а and con- 
servative family and is а devout Baptist. 
However, she is also very mature and 
open-minded. Now, my question: Why 
just that once and never again? I thought 
maybe she was making me prove myself, 

псе 1 am two years yo 
do it just to get off 


; or did she 
t off? It did seem that that 
was why she did it. We have since grown. 
apart, but I still like her very me 
K. R., Auburn, Alabama. 

It sounds as if she felt bad after she felt 
good —a classic case of Southern discomfort. 
Her body wanted to and responded before her 


33 


PLAYBOY 


34 


Since she wont 
you тау 


mindlupbringing was ready 
talk about il or give it a second try. 
be loving a lost cause. Find someone who can 
respond, body and soul. 


Д... ven years of an active sex life. 1 


think Гуе tried nearly every form of birth 
control known to man except prayer. Over 
Eve used condoms. pills 
diaphragms, LU.D: and 
even the rhythm method with a number of 


the years, 


spermicides, g 
female partners, both long-term and other 
wise, Se 
ong 
though 
points 


netimes E think Um involved in an 
project It 
ach method has its good and bad 
nd what works for one partner 
Lately, Гус 


secing contraceptive sponges for sale in the 


science seems as 


ізгі right for another been 


drugstore near the. condom. counter. To 
short-cut my 
whether or not the sponge is worth check- 
N., Sacramento, С 

As you've noticed, contraception, like fash 
ion, needs to be carefully selected and suited 
10 individual needs. Safety. efficacy and con 
vemence must all be examined. Aud on this 
basis, our considered answer to your question 
is: Yes, sponges are worth checking out, if for 
no other reason than to see how cute they are 
They look like kneepads for Cabbage Patch 
Kids. What you've seen in the drugstore is the 
Today Sponge. It has been marketed in the 
U.S. since 1983. and about 1,500,000 


women are now using Н regularly. The 


sponge works in three ways: I's а drug-de 


research, can vou tell me 


ing out? —P. alifornia. 


livery system that releases spermicide for 30 
hours; it absorbs and destroys sperm; aud it 
physically blocks entry of sperm into the cer 
vix. The sponge can be inserted up to 24 
hours before sexual intercourse but shouldu't 
be removed until six hours after the last act of 
intercourse. Ws effective for multiple acts of 
intercourse within the 24-hour period. Effi 
cacy rates for the sponge are impressive, sur 
passing those for all other barrier methods. 
When used properly, il is 89 to 91 percent 
effective. The pill. the LUD. and tubal liga- 
tion are closer ta 100 percent effective but 
may not always be desirable because of side 
effects ov, in the case af tubal ligation, irre 
wersibility. In relatively de 
pendable contraception, sponges now appear 
lo provide protection against ¢ 
chlamydia, And lab tests show that nonoxy- 
nol-9, the spermicide in the sponge, inhibits 
the herpes virus and kills the AIDS virus 


addition to 


morrhea and 


within a minule in a test tube 

Consumers with whom we've lalked about 
the sponge have either loved it or hated it. 
The happy customers say its convenient. 
trustworthy and also works well as a make-up 
sponge. The crities say they have difficulty 
removing it, that the male partner can feel it 
during intercourse or that one or both part 
ners are irritated by the spermicide. To discuss 
these and any other problems, the sponge 
manufacturer, VLI Corporation. — has 
installed the toll-free 24-hour Today 
Talkline. 800-223-2329 (in California 


800-222-2329). As they say. trained profes: 
sionals are waiting to take your calls 


h recently been bitten by the shutter 
b 


and want to learn more about phot« 


raphy. Are there workshops or seminars 


that take place in nice settings, or can I 
take classes from top pros? Right now, the 
subject is very confusing. —T. P.. New 


York, New York 

There are literally dozens of photographs 
workshops held all over the country. Our top 
picks, in terms of both setting and quality of 
the faculty, aw The Maine Photographic 
Workshops in Rockport; the Friends af Pho- 
tography (where Ansel Adams used 10 teach) 
in Carmel, California; the Owens Valley 
Photography Workshops in Somis, Califor- 
nia; and two in Colorado—the Anderson 
Ranch Arts Center іп Snowmass and the 
Wilderness Photography Trinity Alps Work 
shop in Evergreen. Most offer a wide range 
of sessions on various aspects of photography 
you can take an intra course, then move an to 
more advanced classes in both color and black 
and white For addresses and information 
about any of the workshops mentioned above, 
contact your travel agent or check the list 
ings in magazines such as The American 


Photographer or Popular Photography 


Жағаға of mine says that E should cle: 
all the input and ouput plugs on my 
How and why should I do this? — 


Cleveland, Ohio. 


n 


D.A 


Put your typewriter to rest and your mindat ease. Because 


now there's advanced technology that speaks your language. 


Videowriter by Magnavox. Finally, a word processor for the 
home. 

All you do is turn it on, follow the simple instructions on 
the screen, and before you know it, you're writing. Without 


the usual distractions of white out, cross outs and crumpled 
paper. The Videowriter word processor lets you make all your 
corrections on the screen. 

Change your mind as easily as your margins. By the mere 
push of a button. Center, add, move or remove thoughts the 
same way. Even check your spellingon the built-in dictionary. 


It seems that both metal plugs and metal- 
ended jacks can build up coatings of oxide 
that may short-circuit the signal. The result 
is a nagging, hide-and-seek sound source. 
Cleaning is not that difficult. Just heist the 
plug in the jack to scrape off the oxide. Your 
ears will thank you, 


night TV 
ng the subject of how to keep your 
One of the turn-ons sug- 


Û recently saw а show on late 


cover 


lov sted. 


gested was to give your mate back rubs 
with a pair of fur mittens. The feeling must 
be fantastic. I would like to purchase such 
mittens—but, I to admit, 
be a bit embarrassed to enter a furrier’s 
nce foreplay. 1 
would appreciate any suggestions on how 1 


have I would 


and ask for an aid to enh. 


might locate a pair of these sensuous 
devices.—B. H., Los Angeles, California 
What's the hang-up? Who says you can't 
buy fur mittens for perfectly legit practices, 
such as milking ticklish cows, robbing banks, 
attending formal-dress balls for 


wolves, sneaking up on your gerbil? Are you 


were 


assuming thal every furrier and depariment- 
store employee saw the same show you did? 
And even if he did, so what? If you're that 
embarrassed about facing someone and ask- 
ing for fur mittens, do your shopping by 
phone. Call the Pleasure Chest or your local 
sexual-paraphernalia store. No matter how 
yon go about finding these mittens. there's no 
need to feel as if you're committing a crime 


С... vou tell me the correct way to 


microwave a softball and cork а bat?— 
G. D., Marshall, Missouri 

The reason to microwave а softball —or 
specifically, ils core—is to make the ball live 
lier. Generally, the core should be heated for 
just a few seconds, but this varies, and mi- 
crowaving too long can be dangerous. (Just 
go back a few letters and imagine what hap- 
pens when people microwave their house pets 
Me don't wanl to lose any readers in a freak, 
nonsporting accident, hear, now?) Corking a 
bat involves drilling a deep hole into the meat 
end of the bat, usually with a three-cighths 
of-an-inch-diameter drill, and filling U with 
cork to lighten the works and (supposedly) 
increase bat speed. A more likely result, how- 
ever, is an increase in cracks, Similarly, you 
can drill a hole into the meat part of the bat 
and insert lead, a not-uncommon practice in 
the Chicago area, designed to add oomph ta 
thesunng. It goes without saying, however, that 
all of these practices are illegal and unsports 
manlike, and we don't condone апу of them 


Н... you heard of a sexual practice 
called gerbil stuffing? Гуе heard rumors 
that certain celebrities have had 10 go to 
gency rooms for removal of cuddly 
house pets from their private parts. | know 
it sounds disgusting, but could it possibly 
be truc?— T. B., Boston, Massachusetts 
Every few years, the collective unconscious 
gues bonkers and delivers a rumor such as 


eme 


this. A few years ago, it was the one about the 
lady who dried her kitten in the microwave 
oven. Last year, it was about wrapping ham 
sters in duct tape, so they won't explode when 
you fuck them. This year. it’s about gerbil 
stuffing. The Friend of a Friend Network 
claims extremely 
strange are inserting 
cured gerbils into their reclums. A squirming 
rodent is not our idea of sexual ecstasy. We 
don't know how popular the practice is (have 
you seen anyone farting fur?), but the rumor 
is rampant. While we are sure thal there are 
people out there stupid enough to try this 
(medical literature is filled with reports of 
people who have had to have removed such 
objects as a turnip, a toothbrush holder, а 
water glass, a light bulb, soft-drink bottles, а 
steer’s horn, cucumbers, apples, hard-boiled 
eggs broom handles, soldering 
bananas, salamis, carrots, whip handles, test 
tubes, baseballs, flashlights, grindstones and 
frozen pigs’ tails), none of them reads “The 
Playboy Advisor.” 


that homosexuals and/or 


heterosexuals mani- 


irons, 


AIL reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars lo dating 
problems, taste and etiquette ——will be person. 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month 


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DEAR PLAYMATES 


Т... question for the month: 


What are the most common mistakes 
men make in bed? 


The big mistake men make is rushing. It 
takes a woman longer to get excited, and 
if a man is in a big һшту, he can miss 
the woman altogether. Other than that, 
I don't really 
know if vou can 
make a mistake 
during sex. Afi- 
er all, there 
is по certain 
way to do it 
Both people 
should be able 
to do what they 
feel like doing, 
but they have 
to be able to 
communicate 
those feelings or they can find themselves 
in a big misunderstanding. Both partners 
must be able to communicate their needs; 
otherwise, you get misunderstandings, but 
not mistakes. You have to talk. That's 
what makes sex interesting. 


fn 


CHER BUTLER 
AUGUST 1985 


Mn aren't romantic enough. The 
don't know that romance is fun. They also 
move 100 fast—they don't take it slowly. I 


love sex, and 
га y Im 
usually the 
leader. So if 1 
don't like some- 
thing, | often 
don't say any- 
thing, I just 
keep going. I 


guess a mistake 
n bed is when 
the guy doesn't 
go along with 
me. 1 really like 
to have my face and hair touched. I like to 
be talked to; | like it when a man says пісе 
to me. Having sex because you're 
ed or bored doesn't do it for me. 


TERI WEIGEL 
APRIL 1986 


cts sec: lack of foreplay, not enough 
spontaneity or enthusiasm and not think- 
ing about the other person's needs. 1 
always think of a man’s needs. If he gets 
really excited, you feel that excitement 
return. That's 
what makes sex 
worth while 
Another mis- 
take is the 
lack of honesty. 
Some people 
are afraid to 
admit their lit- 
Че kinks for 
fear of being 
judged. If you 
сап show your 
true feelings, it 
can set the mood for the night. Maybe you 
c to feel dominant once in a while or 
u're in the mood to be dominated. Sure, 
it takes courage to say so; but if you can, 
you just might get fireworks. 


ked 


SHERRY ARNETT 
JANUARY 1986 


Remember, Um French, so I tend to see 
these things culturally. A lot of men in this 
country are a little too basic, meaning just 
100 quick. They often don't take enough 
time or are unimaginative. Now, 1 haven't 
slept with. the 
enüre world, 
thank God, so I 
know that there 
are many men 
for whom this 
criticism ізгі 
true. French 
men ers 
more imagina- 
tive. They like 
to be thought of 
as good in bed, 
as macho. They 
want a woman to look at them with won 
der, so they put a little more effort into 
their lovemaking. But they can be a pain 
the neck in a relationship. Thats the 
Latin pari passionate but sometimes dif- 
ficult in the long run. 


бы, SEA 


CAROL FICATIER 
DECEMBER 1985 


ойе 


For me, the guy who is too intense із 
making a mistake, He kisses too hard. 
He's showing off. He isn't gentle. I remem- 
ber one man who had to show off during 
oral sex. It was like, “Let me rub my face, 
my nose, my 
head, my cars 
in it.” It was 
too strong and 
too dramatic 
and too much 
of a show. It 
was meant to 
impress me, I 


now, but it 

m 
man I'm seeing 
now under- 


stands that he's 
not responsible for my pleasure. That 
takes the. pressure off both of us, and we 
have fun. Our relationship is nice and 
tender, and we're both happier. 


LYNNE AUSTIN 
JULY 1986 


А 


Тус too fast; they don't take enough 
ime fondling, kissing, holding and 
embracing. Some men don't even bother 
to do those things at all. Then there are 
other men whom you have to guide. You 
have to tell 
them what to 
do. Another 
mistake: They 
don’t last long 
enough. They 
come once and 


it's “Good 
night." Men 
should want 


the evening to 
go on and on, 
then wake up 

п the morning 
and have sex again. Both men and women 
have to find more variations in sex. They 
have to talk. Not all men make these mis- 
takes, but an awful lot of them aren't pa 
ing cnough attention, 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave 


nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able lo answer every question, but we'll try. 


[x] 


KIM MORRIS, 
MARCH 1986 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Alive 
with 
pleasure! 


Ajter all, 
ij smoking isn't a pleasure, 
why bother? 


Newport 


Shake hands with Canadas best. 
Come on up to the great taste of the? сег rege Thats Labatts. 


ТНЕ 


PLAYBOY 


FORUM 


сом M E N T A R Y 


Wal-Mart recently became the 
latest retailer to do the censor- 
ship shuffle by removing 32 rock- 
and-teen-oriented publications 
from its 890 stores throughout 
the South and the Southwest. 

After pressure from television 
evangelist Jimmy Swaggart, the 
Arkansas-based department- 
storc chain memoed its magazine 
wholesalers to remove from its 
magazine racks such menacing 
titles as Creem, Circus, Rolling 
Stone, Song Hits, Teen Beat, Tiger 
Beat and Teen Machine, to name 
just a few. 

Although a company spokes- 
woman denied any connection 
with the Reverend Mr. Swag- 
garts national-broadcast dia- 
tribe on the evils of rock music, 
in which the Wal-Mart chain 
was mentioned, the subsequent 
rock-n'-rollover took place two 
wecks later. 

Maybe it was business as 
usual, after all. А few wecks саг- 
lier, Wal-Mart had dropped 
rock-n-roll albums Бу 
AC/DC, Judas Priest, Eddie 
Murphy and Cheech and 
Chong—and still called its 
move a free-enterprise issue, 
not a censorship issue! 

According to Swaggart, rock- 
"n'-roll music is dirty, corrupt, 
filthy, rotten; it is fostcring adul- 
tery, drug abuse, necrophil 
and bestiality. 
And you 
can dance 
to it. 


nd now for a lesson in sexual 

McCarthyism: political sci- 

ence. First, take а natural 

anxiety, such as our concern 
for children. Then blow it out of pro- 
portion until it becomes fear. And then 
play upon that (саг and wrap it around 
your own misguided agenda. 

For the past few years, we have been 
assaulted by numbers. Groups pro- 
claiming their concern for children 
grab microphones and minicams and 
assert that 1,500,000 children dis- 
appear every year. You've read the 
headlines. You've seen the pictures of 
missing children on milk cartons and at 
subway stops. You believe. When the 
Reverend Donald Wildmon cranks out 
newsletters filled. with such alarming 
statistics as “Each 


hours. Most of the rest are taken by a 
parent in a custody dispute. Bill Carter 
of the FBI's public-information office 
said, “The high figures аге impossible. 
More than 50,000 soldiers died in the 
Vietnam war. Almost everyone in 
America knows someone who was 
killed there. Do you know a child who 
has been abducted? That should tell 
you something." 

What it tells us is that we are being 
lied to. The question is, Why? Look for 
a hidden agenda—with Wildmon, it's 
not hard to find. He has crcated a 
child-porn panic and is capitalizing on 
that fear to go after adult erotica. Wild- 
mon would have you believe that the 
increase in pornography has resulted іп 
an incrcasc in child sex abuse. We 

accept the assertion. 


year 50,000 missing 
children are vic- 
tims of pornogra- 
phy. Most are 
kidnaped, raped, 


“Do you know a | i» 
child who has 


that there has been 
a dramatic increase 
pornography 
Has there been an 
increase in child 
abusc? Dr 


abused, filmed for | | t > sex 
porno magazines | been abducted? | Linda Gordon, a 


and movies and 


finally, more often Ы That should ES 


than not, mur- 
dered," you be- 
lieve. And when the 
same — Reverend 
Wildmon writes 
you another letter, 
this time asking for 


professor of history 
at the University of 
Wisconsin in Madi- 
son, looked at thc 
records of several 
social-service agen- 
cies from 1880 to 
1960. She found 
that there was no 


money, and tells 
you that “the latest craze in filth is now 
child pornography. Each ycar some 
600,000 youngsters—some just ba- 
bies—are kidnaped or seduced for por- 
nographic magazine photos," you 
believe. The figures are frightening. If 
they were true, our schools would be 
empty. If they were true, PLAYÑOY's staff 
wouldn't have time to publish a maga- 
пе. We'd be out in the streets, looking 
for our children. 
Last year, reporters at The Denver 
Post stopped to question the 
figures, and what 
they found won 
them a Pulitzer Prize. 
The panic-inducing 
statistics are nonsense. 
The ЕБІ reports that it 
ated a total of 68 
abductions by strangers 
last year and 69 the year 
before. Most of the 30,000 
(not 1,500,000) children miss- 
ing every year are runaways 
who return home within 24 


evidence to suggest 
such a change. In its rush to judgment, 
the Meese commission accepted the 
Wildmon charge that adult erotica 
leads to child sex abuse. (The possibil- 
ity of this connection led to 7-Elcven's 
decision to drop ғ.лувох.) It accepted 
at face value testimony from Women 
Against Pornography and Oklahomans 
Against Pornography, two groups with 
the same regard for truth as Wildmon, 
that erotica as healthful as PLaveoy had 
been used against children and had 
incited child molesters to commit their 
hejnous crimes. Anecdotes make for 
great headlines and Presidential 
specches, but what do the hard data 
show? Is there a connection, then, 
between adult erotica and child sex 
abuse? Well, two civilized countries 
with a higher regard for truth have 
studied the issue. Both Denmark and 
West Germany legalized adult pornog- 
raphy and, years later, re-evaluated 
that decision. In both countries, it was 
found that legalization of adult porn 
was associated with a dramatic 


41 


42 


Е Е 


decrease in all sex crimes, 
particularly offenses against 
female minors. 

The Meese 
sought no evidence that 
would disprove its own cher- 
ished beliefs, However, other 
branches of the Government 
were simultancously investi- 
gating the problem. A Senate 
subcommitice on investiga- 
tions looked into child por- 
nography and found some 
stariling figures. While 
alarmists have claimed that 
there аге 100,000 to 1,000,000 
pedophiles in the country, the 
Senate found that there are 
probably fewer than 2000 
pedophiles nationwide. Since 
the passage of the Child Pro- 
tection Act of 1984, the Jus- 
tice Department has won 147 
convictions against child por- 
nographers, compared with 
only 64 convictions in the pre- 
vious six and one half years. 

What have we le: d from 
this lesson in political sci- 
ence? That numbers trivialize 
the problem. erated 
figures do not accomplish 
anything—nor do legitimate 
figures that are ignored hy the 
Government 

The Government is not 
interested. in protecting chil- 
dren—otherwise, it would 
spend moncy where it counts. 
What follows arc letters from 
people who quietly study 
offenders and victims, who 
work to find real cures. They 
need your help. 


commission 


PORN AND PEDOPHILIA 

Literature on the subject 
of pedophilia acknowledges the 
common presumption that the depic- 
tion of sexual activity may cause sexual 
arousal and engender sexual activity of 
one sort or another. When tested. how- 
ever, the association between the stim- 
ulus (erotica or pornography) and the 
behavior (pedophilia) is not evident 
and may, in fact, sugge © 
correlation. Some of the most convinc- 
ing data denying a causal relationship 


a neg 


remain the Kinsey Institute's. In one 
study, Kinsey compared imprisoned 
sex offenders, other prisoners and a 


sample or 
found 1 


control population and 
significant differences among 


 lutely repress 


С K 


FOR THE RECORD 


I think that although women want pornography 
very much, the climate for it right now is abso- 
but I think feminists 

haye helped create that climate. Look at Andrea 

— Dworkin and Catherine MacKinnon. 

they're fools. The legislation they're 

would define pornography as “the graphic sexually 
explicit subordination of women, whether 
tures or in words”) is absurd. I regard my writing of 
pornography to be a real moral cause. And I don't 
want a bunch of fascist, reactionary feminists 
ing in the door of my consciousness with their jack 
boots and telling me that sadomasochism isn't pol 
ically correct. 


ive. It's ironi 


ANNE RICE, author of 
Interview with a Vampire 


the three groups in their possession of, 
use of or exposure to pornography. 
Moreover, he fund that child 
molesters were essentially unmoved by 
such stimulation. This is consistent 
with the findings of others that child 
ers, in particular, are often 
aroused by materials that are not gen- 
erally thought of as pornographic. In 
1970, the President's Commission оп 
Obscenity and Pornography also con- 
cluded that there was no correlation, 
let alone a causal relationship, between 


exposure to erotica and immediate or 
delayed antisocial behavior among 
adults. 


I think 
proposing [that 


Additional evidence 
against a causal relationship 
exists in another sta ally 
atypical sexual рори 
Repeatedly exposing homo- 
sexuals to pictures of nude 
females does not result in this 
group's engaging in hetero- 
sexual behavior, which fur- 
ther suggests that sexual 
imagery docs not modify 
sexual-behavior patterns. 

On theoretical grounds, 
there is reason to be ci 
cerned about the connection 
between sexually explicit 
stimuli and violence. How- 
ever, my review of the 
research, coupled with con- 
versations with experts and 
my own clinical experience 
and rescarch in Sweden, Den- 
mark, Japan and the U.S 
suggests that there is no cur- 
rent validity to the hypothesis 
that exposure to erotica 
associated with the immed 
ate or later emergence of sex- 
ual pathology in general and 
pedophilia in particular 
David A. Shore, Ph.D., 
tor, Journal of Social Work 
G Human Sexuality 
Carbondale, Illinois 


THE EXPERTS SPEAK 
DS Since 1980, we have seen 
130 cases of incest and child 
sexual abuse for evaluation 
d/or treatment. Of these 
cases, 53 involved the perpe- 
trator. To date, there has 
been only one instance of 
abuse recurring during the 
two-year post-treatment fol- 
low-up period, this involving 
a stepfather who had returned 
to the family 

While our success rate for 1985—1986 
cannot yet be tabulated because of the fol- 
low-up period and pending cases, we 
expect the figures to reflect the pro- 
gram's previous high rates of success 

What is clear thus far is that most 
perpetrators are products of emotion- 
ally, physically and/or sexually abusive 
environment pst have communi- 
cation-skills deficits and intimacy and 
self-esteem culties; many have sex- 
ual difficulties; and many have alcohol- 
nd-substance-abuse problems 
Our program does not include data 
(continued on page 46) 


k- 


ا 


No EJ OW S EFRON T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


VISUAL SIGHTING 


WASHINGTON, nc —Fourth Amendment 
protection against warrantless search and. 
seizure does not prevent police [rom aerial 
pot spotting, the U.S. Supreme Court has 
ruled by a vote of five to four. In the 
majority opinion, Chief Justice Warren 


Burger wrote that "in an age where pri- 
vate and commercial flight in the public 
airways is routine, il is unreasonable for a 
respondent to expect that his marijuana 
plants were constitutionally protected: 
from being observed with the naked eye 
from an altitude of 1000 feet." 


DOMESTIC TERRORISTS 


WASHINGTON, DE —In response 10 con- 
tinuing violence against abortion clinics, 
the National Organization for Women has 
filed a Federal lawsuit secking to put anti- 
clinic militants under the same “domestic 
Terrorist" restraints that have helped cur- 
tail the activities of the Ku Klux Klan. 
The suit seeks no monetary damages but 
asks for a nationwide injunction against 
anti-abortion leaders, contending that 
they have been traveling throughout the 
country organizing efforts to harass and 
intimidate people who operate legal abor- 
tion clinics and force them out of business, 
One of the principal defendants named is 
Joseph М. Scheidler, who heads the Pro- 
Life Action League, based in Chicago, 
and is the author of a manual titled 
“Closed: 99 Ways to Stop Abortion.” 

Meanwhile, a bomb caused $60,000 in 
damages to an abortion clinic in Wichita, 
Kansas, which was closed at the time of 
the explosion. 


THINGS COULD BE WORSE 


NEW YORK Crry—Nofwithstanding ris- 
ing divorce. rates, Ihe American family 
seems to be weathering major changes in 
structure with its values intact. A nalion- 
wide survey conducted by Research and. 
Forecasts of New York City found that the 


Jamily remains important in the face of 


other social changes: "Rather than exem- 
plifying a weakening of family ties, a 
majority of Americans continue to be an 
example of a family-oriented people, 
expressing the hope and conviction that 
family values will endure." 

Among other things, the study found: 

+ Eighty-two percent of the respondents 
believed that most basic values are 
instilled by the family: 

= Dual-career and single parents are 
equally confident that they are rearing 
their children properly, that it is important 
lo spend time together and that. fathers 
should spend as much time with their chil- 
dren as mothers do; 

+ Seventy percent of those surveyed said 
Ihey were satisfied in their marital rela- 
tionships. 


Grim Government projections say that 
within five years the total number of 
AIDS cases in the U.S. will be ten limes 
Ihe current figure of about 27,000 and 
that 54,000 will die of the disease іп 
1991 alone. The "good" news is that safer 
sex practices are paying off and that most 
individuals who will have AIDS in 1991 
already are infected. 

Other news, from the privale newsletter 
"CDC AIDS Weekly": 

* New AIDS infections have decimed 
dramatically in San Francisco, from 18 
percent per year between 1982 and 1984 
to between three and five percent in 1985, 
according to epidemiologists at the Uni- 
versity of California at Berkeley, who 
attribute the decrease to greater awareness 
and better precaulions. 

+ Followers of radical conservative 
Lyndon LaRouche have qualified a voter 
initiative that would allow California to 
quarantine AIDS victims and would com- 
pel testing of anyone suspected of having 
the disease. 

“Әк. James Curran, director of the 
CDC's ALDS program, says he supports a 
test program similar to Australia's, which 
would. provide sterile hypodermic needles 
and syringes to drug addicts to reduce the 
spread of the disease. 


+ A survey by The New York Times 
has found that many doctors are declining. 
to report all the AIDS cases they treat, 
partly because of the stigma attached to 
the disease and partly because some insur- 
ance companies are reluctant to. honor. 
claims by ALDS victims. 

Meanwhile, Brent Nicholson Earle, a 
35-year-old New York City playuright, 
has started a 20-month, 10,000-mile run 
around the perimeter of the continen- 
tal U.S., with excursions into Canada, 
in hopes of raising $10,000,000 for 
N.A.N., a National Aids Network educa- 
tion and service project. 


TO HELL WITH HELL 


Prominent religious historian Martin 
Marty has been tracking the issue by way 
of other people's polls and sees а decline in 
the belief in hell among contemporary 
Christians. According to his article in 
Lutheran magazine, he thinks that's not 
such a bad thing, since "much of our ‘hell” 
has come not from the Bible and theology 
but from ‘Faust’ and cartoons, from folk- 
love and popular cathedral art. It can go 
and ‘damnation’ can remain.” He con- 
siders the Catholic Church's downplaying 
of hell and purgatory a major historical 
development that brings Catholics nearly 
abreast of Protestants, with the exception 


of fundamentalists and TV evangelists 
such as Jimmy Swaggart. However, he 
finds that Swaggart's hell is reserved for 
“secular humanists and Soviet Commu- 
nists, not for the nice people in the congre- 
gation or on the other side of the tube.” 


43 


grorum 
CA RTO ON I S TS 


With a trained eye for 
absurdity, political cartoonists 
across America have declared 
open season on the Meese 
commission and the Supreme 
Court. Here is some of 
their best work, reprinted 
with permission. 


"HEY, WOW! LOOK AT THIS — | MEAN 
AIN'T IT AWFUL?” 


1 FIND THEE 
VERY ATTRACTIVE! 


WRITE то: Your Tax Dollars AE Work, 
=" USpept-cF Justice, 
Washington, DC em soc, 


= 
5 Е 


according, to the 4 7 
Emission on Romogtaph.. 


gi 


The Continental Congress making, Freedom cf Speech its ер priori 


By Wie, 


© By William Marvin ‘Lo 


Obscenity 15 In The Eye of The Beholder 


By Bob Bore Bell New mes 


46 


Copyright < 1986 by The New York Times Company. Reprinted with permission 


FEEDBACK (continued) 


on the use of pornography, because 


the literature and our own clinical 
exp nce show no link between child 
sexual abuse and sexually explicit 


material, While it has been clinically 
noted that some perpetrators read or 
view sexually explicit. material, many 
others object to pornography аз 
immoral, In contrast to common belief, 
a great number of men who turn to 
their children for sexual purposes аге 
highly religious or morally rigid indi 
viduals who feel that this is less of 
than masturbation or secking outs 
sexual liaisons. 


n 
е 


Johnson-Masters 
and Johnson Institute 
s, Missouri 


WOMEN FOR PORNOGRAPHY 
The opponents of pornography say 
pornography depicts women as 
mere sexual objects and 
that magazines 


and movies showing women engaging 
in sex lead to discrimination and vio- 
lence. 

I disagree. Discrimination and vio- 
lence have been around far longer than 
erotic magazines and movies. Discrimi- 
nation and violence result from the ina- 
bility of one to empathize with people 
of differing geographical, political, 
social, religious, racial, sexual or cul- 
tural backgrounds. Both and 
women discriminate against and arc 
violent toward each other. Both men 


men 


“А GREAT NUMBER ОҒ MEN 
WHO TURN TO THEIR 
CHILDREN FOR SEXUAL 
PURPOSES ARE HIGHLY 
RELIGIOUS OR MORALLY 
RIGID INDIVIDUALS WHO 
FEEL THAT THIS IS LESS 
OF ASIN THAN 
IRBATION. .. .” 

— VIRGINIA JOHNSON-MASTERS. 


and women are guilty of failing w 
understand and accept each other 
Education, communication and in- 
teraction—not censorship— 


change stereotypes. 
Arc we to believe 
ene or Шы. iran an esposos 


Founded in 1851 + thi 


ADOLPH S. OCHS, Publisher 1896-1935 


breast or a 


ARTHUR HAYS SULZBERGER, Publisher 1935-1961 
ORVIL E. DRYFOOS, Publisher 1961-1963 


American attitudes. 


Thesecan be framed as questions: 

Why is it that the people most outraged when 
government puts its hand in your pocket for taxes 
are often the people quickest to applaud when gov- 
ernment sticks its noseinto your bedroom? 

Why is it that the people who believe most 
fiercely in capital punishment are often the same 
people who, proclaiming the right to life, most bit- 


terly oppose abortion? 


Why is it that the people most opposed to giving 
welfare assistance to distraught young mothers are 
often those who fight hardest against providing sex 
education and contraception to poor teen-agers? 

The answer in each case is that these may not 
be contradictions at all. For what they demonstrate 
best is not inconsistency about life but consistency 


about punishment. 


Contradictions 


When the Supreme Court recently upheld the 
right of the states to regulate private sexual con- 
duct, it inflamed people who believe in privacy, 
gratified people who dislike homosexuals — and 
gave new force to some striking contradictions in 


sufficient enough to turn 52 percent of 
the population into sex slaves? More 
important, are we com that 
women are that thin-skinned and help 
less? 


As a woman trying to get a foothold 
in a patriarchal society, I have experi- 
enced rimi on. I know that ster- 
cotypes exist. I have had to pre 
and over that I have the confide 
competence to “do the job." Banning 
pornography because of particular vul- 
nerabilities fe supposedly have 
will only mı пи id all other women 
appear delicate when we need to show 
that we have the courage and capabili- 
ties to deal with the demands of a 
competitive and complex world. Ban- 
ning pomography to protect w 
will discredit us 

Lam outraged over this pornography 
issue. I am outraged at the fact that 
these do-gooders аге tearing down the 
image that so many women have 
worked so hard to constract—that 
women are strong and steadfast, not 
defenseless and dainty. | am so out- 
raged, in fact, that | want to form an 
organization: Women for Pornography 

If you are a woman and you share 
my views, please write to me. I need to 
know that you are there. I need your 
support 


Melanie Holzman 
Р.О. Box 20579 
Columbus, Ohio 


In this view, crime absolutely must not pay. 
Тһе state should kill murderers, no matter that, oh 
dear, it sometimes kills the wrong man. Sin must 
not pay. The careless teen-age girl should bear the 
badge and burden of her shame, no matter how little 


she really knows about sex and no matter how in- 
capable she, a child, is of raising a baby. To those of 


this Puritan persuasion, government has a sober 
duty. Far from getting off people’s backs, it should 
impose a strict moral harness. 

Others of us are left to believe that it is barba- 
rous for the state, prone to error, to kill. We are left 
to believe — to know — that thousands of babies are 
conceived out of pathetic ignorance or a misguided 


hunger to be taken seriously. And when it comes to 


sexual conduct between consenting adults in their 
own homes — well, if that's not privacy, what is? 
Government often must legislate and enforce 
morality, but whenever it does, it tilts inescapably 
toward conformity and vengeance. Yet when the 
very definition of life, liberty and happiness is in 
dispute, it is government's duty to tilt instead to- 


warddiversity and compassion. 


Men could use 
some protection 
from women. 


(And vice versa.) 


Of course, there's no doubt whatsoever that 
men and wornen are the single best thing ever 
to happen to each other. 

There are, however, complications. 

The list of sexually transmitted diseases 
is long. 

And growing. 

And on the list are some diseases that are 


very difficult to cure. Even impossible. 

But happily for all concerned, theres a 
simple way to help protect yourself. It's called 
the Trojan‘ brand condom. 

Use it properly, and the Trojan condom can 
help reduce the risk of spreading many sexually 
transmitted diseases. (Your doctor can tell you 
more.) 

But let's be frank. 

Of course, you'd like to feel good and 
protected. But what about just plain feeling 
good? 

Relax. 

Trojans are barely 0.003 of an inch thin, 
and ultrasensitive. All Trojans. 

But there's a variety of different Trojan 
styles to suit ycur individual preferences. (We're 
as committed to protecting your pleasure as we 
are to protecting your health.) 

And how do Trojans compare with other 
forms of birth control, in the matter of control- 
ling birth? 

Impressively. 

In fact, the condom is the most effective 
method of birth control available without a 
prescription. 

You should also know, the Trojan brand is 
highly respected, widely trusted, and the one 
that's used the most in this country. 

Which is good. 

Because it would be tragic if men and 
women start to feel they're a threat to each 
other. 

Instead of the pleasure they really are. 


Е ТАСҚАН 


TROJAN* CONDOMS 


For all the right reasons. 


© 1986 Carter Wallace. Inc 


47 


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nias JOAN RIVERS 


a candid conversalion with the queen of take-no-prisoners comedy about 
men, sex, movie stars, princesses and her to shoot-out with johnny carson 


The lady or the champ? 

She's been called the funniest lady in 
America. She's also been called the most taste- 
less and grating comedienne in the country. 
With her fast, broadsword wit, she inspires 
epithets and rage in viewers—though these 
same people will avidly tune her in to see 
which poor movie star or princess is going to 
be skewered next. And now, after a bumpy 
career in the high-risk world of stand-up 
comedy and sit-down talk shows, Joan Rivers 
is headed for the confrontation of her life: a 
shoot-out with mentor Johnny Carson, 

It may not be Gorbachev and Reagan, but 
it's as close as we're going to get to a TV- 
superpower face-off —Carson, frayed but still 
champion of late-ewening television, chal- 
lenged by a tough, snarling underdog whom 
people don't know whether to cheer or to boo. 
Much of civilized America knows by now of 
the celebrated departure of Joan Rivers from 
“The Tonight Show,” where she was the per- 
manent guest host. Indeed, there are. 
undoubledly fewer people who follow the 
U.S.-Soviet summit talks than who know 
that Rivers accepted an offer from the new 
Fox network to start her own talk show in the 
same time slot without—gasp!—even calling 
Carson to tell hım about i. 

Whatever the outcome of the talk-show 
wars, no one is neutral about Joan Rivers. 


“Johnny's wrapped іп cotton by everyone 
around him. His staff hid my ratings from 
him. The reason 1 was bought by Fox was that 
my ratings were higher and my demographics 
were younger than his.” 


Newsweek calls her TV's “most outrageous 
funny woman," TV critic Ron Powers in 
Gentlemen's Quarterly says her comedy is 
thal of “aging-airhead affluence,” while Ms. 
magazine praises her as a woman of “febrile 
tenacity,” whatever that means. She herself 
told Time that she was “the meanest woman 
in America,” no doubt reflecting on some of 
the mare memorable shots she has taken 
through the years at her favorite targets: Liz 
Taylor in her plumper days (“Mosquitoes see 
her and scream "Buffet! "), the queen of 
gland (“gowns by Helen Keller”) and 
even lovable Willie Nelson ("wears a Roach 
‚Motel around his neck"). The question now is 
whether a woman whose reputation has been 
one of abrasive humor, whose talk-show stints 
have been limited to а few weeks a year, can 
be credible competition for Carson, who has 
been а wry, soothing TV presence in Ameri- 
сау bedrooms for 24 years—or whether she 
will wear out her welcome and burn ош. 
Born Joun Molinsky in Brooklyn in 1933, 
Rivers is the daughter of Russian immi- 
grants, Dr. Meyer Molinsky and his elegant, 
if dissatisfied, wife, Beatrice. Both parents 
were obsessed with money—she with spending 
it, he with not. The strong-minded Beatrice 
generally won; and, as a result, Joan and her 
sister, Barbara, were raised іп an atmosphere 
of finger bowls and private schools, A self- 


“Burt Reynolds has said evil, vicious things 
about me. I figure he had а bad day because 
his toupee was twisted or his caps might have 
fallen out or the heels of his boots could've been 
broken or his dildo was pinching.” 


proclaimed [айу as a child, Joan escaped into 
the world of make-belici planning 10 
emerge one day as a serious dramatic actress 
She went to Barnard College, from which she 
graduated Phi Beta Kappa in 1954, and 
then, at her parents’ insistence, became а 
fashion coordinator. for the Bond depart- 
ment-store chain. 

It was then that she met and married. 
Jimmy Sanger, son of the store's merchandise 
manager. Six months later, they were 
divorced. Having tried things her parents? 
way, Rivers then decided to go for what she 
really wanted: show business. She paid her 
early dues by working in Greenwich Village 
“discovery” clubs while supporting herself 
with temporary secretarial work. By 1959, 
she was honing her comedic craft by perform- 
ing in seedy burlesque joints up and down 
the East Coast. In 1960, she was booked on 
“The Jack Paar Show,” the predecessor to “Phe 
Tonight Show,” and she felt she'd gotten her 
big break. But Paar hated her and her career 
stalled. Four years later, after a short stint as 
one third of a comedy team billed as Jim, Jake 
and Joan, she was on her own again, а well- 
known face among the Village cast of aspir- 
ing young comics—Richard Pryor, Dick 
Cavell, Bill Cosby—looking for their big 
break in such night clubs as The Bitter End 
and The Duplex. Her day job was as a 


_ ==. Б 


qaa 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY MARIO CASILLI 


“Princess Di is ready for that mother-in-law 
10 go. At Andrew's wedding, the queen 
mother looked happy, Margaret looked 
soused, Princess Michael looked like a tall 
Nazi—just a typical family outing.” 


49 


PLAYBOY 


comedy writer for TV shows, including “Can- 
did Camera.” 

Ву 1965, seven years after she had begun 
her elusive business. journey, success 
was Mill nowhere in sight. Even Rivers’ close 
advisor told her she was through: “You've too 
old,” she says he told her. “If you were going 
to make it, you'd have done it by now.” А 
month later, she hooked onto "The 
Tonight Show," which had turned her down 
seven limes. After her appearance, Carson 
wiped tears of laughter from his eyes and pro- 
claimed, “God, you're funny, You're going to 
be a star.” 

Rivers’ career then took off—though she 
insists it was al the speed of a turtle, She 
began a prosperous career traveling around 
the night-club circuit and by late 1965 had 
recorded her first comedy album. 

That was also when she met the other most 
important man in her life: producer Edgar 
Rosenberg, whom she married after а four- 
day courtship. Edgar went on to become a foil 
in Rivers routines and. in real life, her chief 
advisor and supporter. (Their daughter, 
Melissa, was bom in January 1969.) In 
1968, she hosted a morning talk show on 
NBC, and the following year, she made her 
Las Vegas debut. But it was not until 1983 
thal she became a world-beater: After years of 
being one of several guest hosts for Carson, 
she was named permanent guest host, guar- 
anteeing her the exclusive right to eight weeks 
а year of host duties while Carson. vaca- 
tioned. 

When Rivers sat in Carson's seat, the rat- 
ings soared, but NBC, apparently, was not so 
enthusiastic; when time came to renew Riv- 
еке contract last spring, the network told her, 
“Well get back to you.” In the meantime, 
Rupert Murdoch's: new Fox Broadcasting 
Company, under chairman Barry Diller, got 
lo her first, offering her her very own late- 
night show to rival Carson's, On May sixth, 
Rivers, in u press conference with Diller and 
Murdoch, announced her forthcoming show, 
The ensuing controversy continues to domi- 
nate the TV pages in newspapers and maga- 
mes, and her autobiograph “Enter 
гани," enjoyed a run on the best-seller 
lists. We thought it an opportune moment to 
gel Rivers side of the brouhaha and to catch 
ith her life in general, Interviewer Nancy 
Collins, who has conducted. several major 
magazine interviews with Rivers, exhausted 
herself with one final grilling, which Rivers 
Claims is the last shell undergo—"for а cou- 
ple of years, at least.” Неге is Collins’ report: 

“Hanging out with Joan Rivers confirms 
the show-business cliché that there can be a 
near-schizophrenie split between the public 
and the private person. The comedienne who 
on stage personifies the acerbic put-down of 
the high and mighty is, off stage, vulnerable, 
sensitive, even sentimental, The Joan Rivers 
you ser performing, she will tell you, is just а 
character, someone she says she would invite 
lo her house for cocktails—but never for din- 
ner. The foan Rivers you see in private is 
quiet, thoughtful and soft-spoken, Although 
her notorious wit is always in evidence, she is 


show 


was 


nevertheless capable of getting teary-eyed at 
the mention of such matters as the death of 
her mother ten years ago. 

Tor our interview, the hyperenergetic pace 
of a conversation with Rivers was considera- 
bly slowed down, the result of an operation 
performed a week earlier. It was medical pro- 
cedure that will, no doubt, in time, make it 
into her act: a hysterectomy, tummy tuck and 
vacuum suctioning of her thighs. 

“On her second day out of the hospital, 


Joan and 1 began our PLAYBOY conversations 


as she reclined on the canopied bed іп the ele- 
gant master bedroom of her Beverly Hills 
home, Later sessions were held in the library, 
а room lined with books that actually look 
read—Rivers is a history buff. Throughont 
our talks, she was in her bathrobe, somewhat 
more sedate than usual, though restless 
because she couldn't go anywhere. But she 
always had her make-up on. The conversa- 
tion careened from the silly to the serious, 
from the mushy to the tough-minded—which 
isn't a bad way to sum up the lady herself.” 


PLAYBOY: So— Joan Rivers, linchpin of a 


"If NBC wanted me, they 
should have sent me a 
Christmas card last year." 


whole new network. Is it heady, having so 
much responsibility? 

RIVERS: Oh, it is! The king of France said, 
tal, Cesto moi!” Right now, "Le net- 
work, c'est moi!” 

PLAYBOY: We've seen a lot of Joan Rivers 
this past year—the huge controversy over 
your leaving the Carson show, 
ing book, your new show. Aren't you fli 
ing with overexposure? 

RIVERS: We didn't mean this Tonight thi 
to blow up the way it did. It happened 
during a slow media week, so I became a 
media for a second. | felt like 
Madonna. This kind of thing scems to 
happen every three or four years in my 
career, then it calms down. I don't feel 
overexposed, but certainly, the public has 
had enough of me € had enough of 
те 

PLAYBOY: The way you leh The Tonight 
Show become one of the most. cele- 
brated departures in show business. Clear 
it up for us. Why didn't you talk with С 
son before you signed with the new Fox 
network? Why didn’t you postpone the 
pre ice for a day until you had 
time to reach him and tell him the news? 
RIVERS: In our business, until a contract is 
signed, the э contract, 1 defy any- 
body in any job who's making morc than 
530 а week to jeopardize that job by walk- 
way from it until the next job is se- 
We couldn't tell anybody about the 


star 


s conte: 


is 


deal until all the Ps were dotted and the 
Ts crossed —which happened on Monday, 
the day before the press conference. As 
soon as that happened, I called Johnny—1 
went through my hotel switchboard in 
Vegas, so 1 have my bill—and reached hi 
secretary, who said, “Hold on. ГІ put him 
on." And then the phone went, "Click." 
Tuesday morning, I called him from the 
make-up room at Fox, through. the 
switchboard. | got him on the line a 
then he hung up on me. 

As for the press conference, it w 
that wanted to have it right away 
were so many rumors on the street, not 
just about me but about who was going to 
be president of Fox, ete., that Fox wanted 
to make the announcements 
possible so the news wouldn't dribble out 
In fact, no formal announcement had even 
been made saying there would be a net- 
so it was to be a two-pronged pre: 
conference, like Hungary and Au 
two-headed empire—me and Fos. 

But E had no idea there would be the 
hysteria, I don't know why NBC is so 
angry with me. I have done nothing. I was 
Johnny's guest host; they didn't renew my 
contract; 1 went someplace else. I didn’t 
owe him. I didn't ask him for money when 
1 left him. I didn't do anything. 

PLAYBOY: When Fox offered you the deal, 
why didn’t you go to NBC or to Carson 
and say, "Look, Гхе been offered this deal: 
do you want to meet or better и?” 
RIVERS: Thats tacky. That's grovel 
coming hat in hand. I would never have 
done that. I have too much pride. If they 
wanted me, they should have sent me a 
Christmas card last уса! 
PLAYBOY: Freddie De Cordova, the execu- 
tive producer of The Tonight Show, sai 
that during the prev k, while you 
were hosting The Toni 
chatted with you frequently and you never 
mentioned a thing about your plans. 
RIVERS: Nor had Freddie told me his se- 
crets. We sat for a week in the dressing 
room talking, true, but the deal hadn't 
been completed. | wasn't going to tell 
Johnny's producer, “Hey, I'm thinking of 
leaving and going to another network and 
doing my own talk show." 1 would have 
been out the same day—which was just 
what happened 10 David Brenner. [Bren- 
ner, a frequent Carson guest host, 
announced his own syndicated late-night 
show and was reportedly taken oll the 
Tonight Show guest list.) Did Freddie con 
fide to me whether or not Johnny was 
newing his We never knew that 
Johnny renewed his contract with NBC 
until the day it was signed. We were never 
told. These are not my budd 
PLAYBOY: In a similar vein, Peter Lassally, 
associate producer of The Tonight Show, 
has claimed that you offered him the job of 
producing your new talk show. Truc? 
RIVERS: Peter's called producer, but we all 


soon as 


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know that Freddie is the producer. Yes, 1 
know Peter has been saying that, and I'm 
terribly sorry, because it shows the in 
curity on his part. Why would I offer а job 
to someone who for three years did noth- 
ing but argue with me over guests? 

They're all frightened over at Carson. 
‘They all think they have to prove their loy- 
alty to the king. It's very sad to hear a man 
like Peter, in his 50s with two grown chil- 
dren, say, "Look, Johnny. She offered me a 
job. but Г N 105 so 
pathetic that at his age you have to toady 
up to someone 
PLAYBOY: Do you think Carson expects 
toadyism from all his employees? 

RIVERS: Johnny expects nothing, but he's 
had nothing but toadyism. They ve all 
done it to him, I don't know what Johnny 
expects anymore. If we were going to raid 
Carson, which we're not, we would have 
made an offer to Freddie, who—out of the 
whole thing—is the one I miss: his sheer 
energy, wickedness and wit. I miss play 
with Freddie. I called him before the 
announcement to tell him and said, "Of 
all the people, 1 want you to know I'm 
going to miss you." And I started to cry 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Carson 
now? 

RIVERS: | always adored him and I still 
adore him. He was the onc who said, 
“You're funny." I adored him for that and 
always fantasized this big, wonderful, 
ionship. I think he's tender, 
‚ very с but I also thin 
let anybody in anymore- 
except one or two people—to find that 
out. He's the money-maker for NBC, so 
they keep him wrapped in cotton. 

The Tonight Show meant everything to 
me. 1 really did grow up through that 
show. I came on as a single woman. I got 
my fame from that show, I met my hus- 
band out of that show, I got pregnant on 
that show, had Melissa өп that show, and 
America watched the whole thing cvolve. 
But Johnny and 1 were never personally 
close. We were a little closer in New York, 
in the sense that his second wife, Joanne, 
had two big parties and my husband and I 
were asked to those. One was his 40th 
birthday, which was one of the most mem- 
orable evenings of my life. It was the first 
big star-studded party I ever went to. But 
we never sat down, the four of us, in the 
kitchen over a bow! of spaghetti. 

id before that you and 
on weren't really close, and when you 
did, Joanne was quoted in People mag; 
zine denying your version of the relation 
ship, citing examples when you and your 
husband had gotten together socially with 


the Carsons. She also told the Los Angeles 
Times that you were totally ambi- 
tious— "all career." 

RIVERS: Joanne Carson has upwardly 


mobile intentions. This is her little renais- 
sance, because nobody has interviewed 
hi n her since Truman 


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PLAYBOY 


54 


Capote's death—which was lucky for her 
because it happened in her house. I had a 
feeling she pulled the body in. But this is 

n to say, 


noment in the s 


now her little 
"Look at me, Joanne Carson. Remember 
те?” 

Апа, of course, she wants Johnny back 
She made a big mistake. She hasn't scen 
me in 15 years. She faults me for being 
ambitious? I am, indeed, half carcer, but 
I've certainly built a private life. I cer- 
tainly have a relationship, which is a lot 
more than the person slinging the mud 
115 very sad. She's just an old airline stew- 
ardess whose legs have gone. 

PLAYBOY: You dedicated your book, Enter 
Talking, to Edgar and Carson. Did you get 
any feedback from Carson on it? 

RIVERS: You talk about hurt! I spent seven 
years writing that book. The first copy 
that came off the press, 1 didn't keep for 
myself, I had it hand-carried to Malibu to 
Johnny. Along with it, I sent а long hand- 
written note telling him how much I 
thought of him, how much I owed him. He 
never acknowledged it 
I was going on the show to promote it. The 
day before the show, they called and said, 

Johnny wants another book for the 
table." So we sent it 

When I sat down with him on the air, 
we chatted about the first time I was ever 
on the show, and he said, "Oh, your 
siand-up was wonderful." Га never donc 
stand-up. Не didn't even know what Га 


Three wecks later, 


done. Suddenly, you realize how little you 
mean in somebody's life. Then Freddie, 
from off camera, said to him, “Read the 
dedication. It's dedic And 
then you realize he hadn't even opened the 
book. They had blown up photographs 
from it for Johnny to hold up and he asked, 
“Are these in the book?” Seven 
work and he hadn't even opened the book! 
PLAYBOY: [s Carson as cold as you imply? 
RIVERS: He's very cool. You don't jump at 
him at a party and tickle him and say 
"Guess who?" But no, underneath it all, 
thercis a very warm person. Like I said, he's 


ted 10 you." 


years 


st so wrapped in cotton by everyone 
around him. For instance, his staff hid my 
ratings from him. My big advantage over 
him—and the reason I was bought by 
Fox—was that my ratings were higher and 
my demographics were younger than his 
[NBC denies this.] You sec, it's a business. 
АП this emotion, this hysteria and hurt 
come down to money, because if the rat- 
ings slip on the Carson show, the moncy 
slips, so he can't get a $40,000,000 deal 
next ycar. 

Fhere was trouble from the moment 
they brought me in. They were thrilled to 
have me and vet didn't really want me to 
succeed at the same time. It was a doubl 
edged sword at NBC. They would have 
loved it if I had done just a little less than 
Johnny—which I can understand. When I 
started to do better than he, all the critics 


suddenly said, “Joanie's here. Goodbye 
Johnny." That was in Newsweek, Time, the 
1.А. Times. When all that started, they got 
worricd that it would aflect him 
ratings, because people were saying, "She's 
more fun to watch; she's doing better 
PLAYBOY: It doesn't sound as if there's 
love lost between you and NBC, even 
though you'd been guest-hosting The 
Tonight Show since 1971. Why? 

RIVERS: | thought NBC was my college. 1 
ring NBC. T-shirts. But it wasn't 
as if they'd discovered me or singled me 
out. Guest-hosting for The Tonight Show 
was not à scntimental thin 
days, they'd have George Carlin, Bill Cos- 
by, me—almost anybody. If you could 
talk, they'd put you on. Even Peter Bog- 
danovich hosted once! Then they decided 
to have a black woman, so they found 
Della Reese, Toward the end. it got down 
to David Brenner, Carlin, Cosby and me 
And it was Bill who finally called to sug- 
gest I be the permanent guest host. 
PLAYBOY: Cosby did that before he had the 
clout of his own show? 

RIVERS: Ycah, Bill is an incredible guy 
When this last episode was happening, he 
called me in Las Vegas and said, "Go for 
it. Don't listen to them. Don't read what 
the press is going to do to you, because 
they've done it to all of us." He's terribly 
loyal to people; he's been through a lot of 
fire, too, which everyone forgets. Anyway, 
about 1981, NBC decided I wasn't right 


nd his 


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m, so there was a two-year period 
1 didn't guest-host at all—just went 
and did my spots. When they gave it 
back to me, that’s when it all took off fast. 
fast, fast. But nobody was doing it out of 
kindness or love or “Lets give Joanie а 
break." It's a cold, hard business, and my 
numbers were better than any other guest 


for th 


whe 


host's. There's never been any love for me 
at any network. Гуе always been a person 
of the people. Nobody likes you—but you 
fill up 10.000-seat auditoriums. 

PLAYBOY: You've intimated that 
network during that period was willing to 


another 


offer you the moon. Do you want to say 


now which or 
RIVERS: ABC. It was two years ago. They 
came to me and offered me a full-time day 
time show, as many specials as 1 wanted 
and the hour before after the Oscars or 
Emmys, depending. They said, "We'll 
make you queen of the network." We had a 
good The 
money they offered was phenomenal. We 
had to hold secret meetings with them at 
hotels. It was always raining when we met 
I wore lots of capes and Edgar disguised 
himself as a gentile. [Laughs] 1 finally said 
no, because | am not a daytime person 
and because I felt loyalty to NBC. 

PLAYBOY: Let's see—the hour before and 
after the Oscars; isn't that Barbara Wal- 
ters’ territory? Are you saving АВС was 
“net 


laugh about that for a year 


willing to dethrone Walters for 


work queen"? 


а new 


RIVERS: Well, here we go again. It's a bus- 
iness. I like Barbara so much, but if I had 
taken what they were offering, it would've 
But it 
If in a ycar Fox 


meant that she lost what she had 
can work the other way 
says to me, “You're not working out; here 
comes Barbara," there's nothing 1 can do. 
The men who run Fox, [owner] Rupert 
Murdoch and [chairman] Barry Diller, 
did not call me because they liked the way 
my hair looked. They looked at the ratings 
over three years, the demographics, and 
saw success and profit 

PLAYBOY: Some critics have said you don't 


wear well; your style is too aggress 
They say it's one thing to do cight weeks a 
year on Carson, another to do five nights a 
week all ycar long. In fact, you once said 
that yourself, didn't vou? 

RIVERS: When I was starting out and 
wasn't as secure as Г am now, I may have 
said that. But, I'm sorry to tell everybody, 
1 may not be the best, but Pm as good ап 
interviewer as anybody else. I can take a 
show and run it for 52 weeks with no prob- 
lem. As for my abrasiveness, it obviously 
worked for three years, five times a week 
he Tonight 
Show in London, we were number one. If it 
doesn't do well, so what? Гуе got Las 
Vegas, concerts, 


And when we did a version of 


nother book, a movie 

PLAYBOY: Why leaving The 
Tonight Show caused such a controversy? 
RIVERS: Because The Tonight Show and 
Johnny are an institution. 1 looked like 1 


has your 


was challenging him, which nobody's ever 
done before. It also had something to do 
with the child rising up to smite the father, 
which is not at all what my leaving was 
about. If I had been a man, if it had been a 
John Wayne movie, they would have said, 
Well, he did his job on The Tonight Show 
and now he's going off to do his new job 
and God bless him." It's because a woman 
dares to leave a subservient position. 
PLAYBOY: The press has been tough on you 
since the Carson episode. How do you 
react to some of the stronger criticism? 
RIVERS: The press will continue doing that 
until I die—at which time, The New York 
Times will do what it did to Lenny Bruce. 
He was vilified by everybody, all the me- 
dia. The day after he died, The New York 
Times’ obituary included comparison to 
Swift, Rabelais and Twain. And I said, 
"This poor slob couldn't get a. cabaret 
card" —vwhich you needed in those days. 
PLAYBOY: What is the format for The Late 
Show Starring Joan Rivers—four guests 
and an opening monolog? 
RIVER: 
something, but it won't be the monolog 
Johnny is king of the monolog. Besides, 1 
don't want to tell boobie jokes anymore 
What Em good at is really talking with 
somebody; that’s where the emphasis will 
be. Fox bought The Tonight Show, 
that’s basically what ЇЇ be delivering 
Our 
contemporary look, though 


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than Johnny would be, because 1 know 
he's bright, articulate, weird and crazed, 
which makes for a good interview 
PLAYBOY: Will you be asking your friend 
Elizabeth Taylor to drop by? 

I would never ask Elizabeth to 
n the show. I have too much pride 
for that. But maybe she'll just pop on the 
show, look smashing and leave. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think she'll get married 


bands for Liz in my cry 
still love her. But she’s h 
in Hollywood. All the men over 40 have 
girls of 20. Even though she’s spect 
she's a bundle. When a man t 


beth Taylor out, he’s taking someone he 


must cater to, and they're not used to that 
PLAYBOY: Still. Bob Dylan raked up the 
Elizabeth out. 
Bob Dylan always 
gh. 1 go way age with 
him, when he was Bobby Zimmerman. Не 
was serious then, too. He never wore a 
coat, always a jacket and scarf—that 
meant you were serious in the Sixties, Now 
he may write poetry to Liz and sit at her 
feet, but I don't think we have anything to 
nd Bobby's 
nnouncement, She's not inter- 
ested in a man who says he'll make some- 
thing for her: “Look here, look at this 
serape jewel case Bob made for me.” 
PLAYGOY: How do you really feel 

Elizabeth? You've. 1 that when your. 
carcer took off in the early Eighties, it was 
the Elizabeth Taylor jokes that were the 
catalysts. You once said, “Liz pierced her 
ears and gravy came out. 
RIVERS: Right. I was always doing the same 
comedy, always gossipy, but the Elizabeth 
‘Taylor stull really hit a chord, That just 
turned the whole thing around. | like 
Elizabeth. She's done some terrific things 
that I don't think 1 would have done 
Edgar was in the hospital—alter all 
asing and jokes I'd done—she sent 
s. And she picked up the phone and 
Then we sat next to each other the 
c at a charity event, and 1 liked 
her. She was very funny. L also like her 
because I know how hard it is to diet. For 
me to lose three pounds, I have to undergo 
a general anesthetic. lso knows who 
she is. If you're going to be 
damn it, be a ct out. those white 
foxes, honey, and walk! 

Now, Liz is definitely a man's woman. 
She prefers to be with men; but then, I 
prefer to be with men, too. IL T walk into a 
room with 12 men in one corner and 12 
ing to walk over 


akes me 


really worry about as lar as 1 


about 


first tii 


a star, god- 


ar. 


women in another, Um g 
to the men. I think d 
ing; 1 have a better time with them. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think men have 
done for your life—for your self-esteem? 
RIVERS: They've destroyed it. [Laughs] 
Men have taken my self-esteem and 


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flushed it away; it’s somewhere in the mid- 
Atlantic right now. No man, except for my 
husband, has ever said anything nice 
about me or backed me up or come to my 
rescue. I've never been one of those 
women whom men helped. Nevertheless, 
was crazed for men from the minute I s 
them. I had my first serious romance when 
I was four. I apparently went crazy for a 
boy named Jack who was 16. I would 
make my parents gct into the car and drive 
past the drugstore where Jack hung out. 
PLAYBOY: You have a stock character, Heidi 
Abramowitz, who was such a tramp in 
high school that when she took off her 
braces, the football team sent a thank-you 
note to her dentist. But in real life, how old 
were you when you first made love? 

old. Twenty-one. 

ho was the guy? 

avid Titelson. He was a history 
Columbia and a poet. 

PLAYBOY: Did you have qualms about tak- 
ing such a big step? 

Of course you had qualms. You 
couldn't go home and tell your. mother; 
you couldn't go to your doctor and get a 
diaphragm. You really lived on the edge, 
28 days. 

: Did you feel when you slept with 
David that you'd marry him? 

RIVERS: Oh, yeah. Whenever you slept with 
a man, th pledge my 
troth.” That was il. However, if we had 
gotten married, wc would've killed each. 


other. Also, I think I was lousy in bed 
then, In fact, Pm sure 1 was. I hadn't 
heard of two thirds of the things you do 
automatically now 

PLAYBOY: How many lovers do you think it 
lakes for a woman to get good in bed? 
RIVERS: About five. At least it took five (ог 
me before I wised up and learned that 
"Roll over" isn't just an expression you 
say to a dog. Finally, I got my information 
from reading books; girls didn't talk to one 
another. Going down? I never knew what 
men werc talking about. 

PLAYBOY: Weren't the men in your life will- 
ing to help you improve sexually? 

RIVERS: Not at all. What I didn't know, no 
onc taught me. Did you know that not one 
man has ever told me [т beautiful —in 
my entire life? Not one man 

PLAYBOY: Not even Edgar? 

RIVERS: Not even Edgar—in any circum- 
ance—even with the lights off. [Laughs] 
They've said other things, like “You're 
perky” or "You're fun” or “You're good in 
bed," but nobody has ever said to me, 
"You're beautiful. I love you and you're 
beautiful.” Never. 

PLAYBOY: Docs that hurt your feelings? 
RIVERS: Oh, I think that's whats made me 
the aggressive wreck that I am today. 
PLAYBOY: You're also very bright, a 
Barnard grad. Are mei imidated by 
smart women? 

RIVERS: Not when you're in bed, because 
then you're down to basics. You're. not 


thighs. 
PLAYBOY: Has success made you feel sex- 
ier? 

RIVERS: I got sexier as ] had more money to 
change myself. We don't like that nose? 
Let's fix it. We don't like these teeth? Let's 
get them capped. Anybody who doesn’t 
elf is a fool. I you get 
y, "That's OK, I love you 
for yourself”; but if you're in a restaurant, 
will go to the thinnest girl there 
What, exactly, have you had 
done in terms of plastic surgery? 

RIVERS: I’ve had my face lified, my nose 
thinned; my cyes were done a long time 
ago, and now I just had a tummy tuck, but 
that was because I had a hysterectomy. I 
figured, If you're going to close it up, close 
and tighten. 105 silly to put all that blub- 
ber back. And, oh, yes, I also had my thighs 
vacuumed this time around. I figured, If 
they're going to operate, I want to come 
out looking better than when I went in. 
Do vou understand why some 
on with plastic 
surgery, with changing yourself, an indica- 
tion that perhaps you don't like yourself 
cnough, despite all your success? 

RIVERS: Right. But you must look at your- 
self objectively and These old things 
don't look good." If you can make yourself 
look better and feel better about yourself, 


thats wonderful. And now that Гус dis- 
covered vacuuming, it’s just the begin- 
ning. When I look at my thighs, my arms 
are now screaming, “What about m 

As lor self-esteem, 1 certainly have more 
now than when I started, though that's not 
saying much. I still never feel I belong. 1 
still never feel I have the credentials to 
work. Very low self-esteem. 


: Because of my own childhood. And 
the long road of geuing to where I am 
now. They're out to shoot you down. 
They're out to shoot my show down 
alrcady. The show is not getting a lift from 
anybody. By the time we go on the air, all 


have it —the press, the powers t 
inner circle, the chic-os. They would do 
the same thing to me on The Tonight Show. 
After а show, Peter Lassally would walk 
up to me and say, "You lost Detroit last 
night" He'd forget to mention that Га 
won 14 other cities, 14 out of 15 aties in 
the overnights. And won them when all 
that Chernobyl business was heating up! 

PLAYBOY: Speaking of hot items, are S 
Penn and Madonna still in your act? 

RIVERS: Yes, and I'm praying for that mar- 
riage to work so they can stay in it. 
They're fun because they're so outrageous. 
I mean, Sean Penn fighting not to be pho- 
tographed! Marlon Brando has earned the 


right; Scan Penn hasn't. 
PLAYBOY: Now that Debra Winger and Tim 
Hutton are married, will they be giving 
the Penns a run for their money in your 


material? 
RIVERS: No. They're the poor man’s 
Madonna and Sean. She's an carth 


mother. Certain women—who don't shave 
their legs or under their arms—make men 
go crazy. "So you don't bathe, Debra. 1 
love you anyway." The woman's a throb- 
bing bucket of lust. But at least they got 
married. God bless them. Better to be 
married five times than to have five rela- 
tionships. 

PLAYBOY: You've been married twice— 
once, at 23, to Jimmy Sanger, which ended 
in divorce six months later. You met your 
second husband, Edgar, when vou were 32 
and marricd him four days later. How did 
that happen e 

RIVERS: Edgar was Peter Sellers” best 
friend. He was looking for a person to re 
write a script that Peter and he were going 
to produce, starring Peter. Edgar knew the 
Tonight Show producer and asked him ifhe 
knew a good comedy writer. The producer 
said, "We just had a girl on last night 
who's very funny. Call her." So Edgar 
called and gave me the script to rewrite. 
We went to Jamaica to do the rewrite, and 
four days later, we got married. 

PLAYBOY: Marrying a man after only four 
days was a very risky thing to do, particu- 
larly given your idcas about marriage. 
RIVERS: Yes, but I just knew he was ab- 


solutely correct for me. He was a business- 
тап, in the business but at the good end оГ 
it. He was smarter than 1 was; I must have 
a smarter man. And, outwardly, he also 
had what I wanted: manners, the facade, 
the credentials to walk into any room. I 
didn't have to say, "Please take off those 
theatrical cuff links. Get rid of that 24-kt.- 
s just right for me 
Did you have a big wedding? 
g. I was working 
at The Bitter End, and we went to the 
Bronx, because our lawyer found a judge 
who would marry us. The Filipino navy 
had arrived the same day and were getting 
married en masse, so it was the only time 
that Edgar and I ever walked into a room 
and were the tallest couple. [Laughs] Pm 
5/2" and Edgar's 55". Anyway, we got mar- 
ried that night and I went back to worl 
We led two lives, his business and mine. 
I went to the Village to keep honing my 
стай, and at the same time, we'd be going 
out to dinner with the Rockefellers. 
They'd say, "What do you do?" and Pd 
say, "I m a comedienne.” Peter Sellers 
would call up and ask Edgar to please take 
some chocolate mousse over to Princess 
Margaret in London. After Carson, I was 
the hot girl in town. The career moved 
ahead but much more slowly than people 
realized. That's why, when I finally got to 
host the Carson show, Edgar went to Van 
Cleef & Arpels and had a little diamond 


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turtle made up for me, because my whole 
carcer is like a turtle—it moves very 
slowly and carefully. 

PLAYBOY: In your act, you joke a lot about 
Edgar and your sex life—or your lack of 
one. Is that the truth or just a routine? 
RIVERS: Well, things diminish a great deal 
0 years. You settle in with cach other 
and you get to be too comfortable. 
PLAYBOY: Don't you miss the passion? 
RIVERS: OF course you miss the passion. 
But then you also turn around and say, 
"Here is someone who has stayed down- 
stairs until two o'clock in the morning 
ng and rereading all the lawyer’s con- 
tracts.” And that's ОК with me. Pm lying 


in bed reading about Louis XIV and he's 
dow taking care of my business, say- 
ing, “I don't want to worry you. ГЇЇ call 


the lawyer tomorrow and take care of 
this.” And we have the same tastes. 
PLAYBOY: Such as? 
RIVERS: We're both terrible snobs. We both 
love the formality of life. If we could afford 
livery, we'd have it. If we had made Star 
Wars—if my husband were John Edgar 
Lucas—you'd be talking to me rij 
. I would've bought 
lived my fantasy. We also both read. Our 
drugs arc books: Bookstores love us; we go 
in and buy, buy, buy. We like and dislike 
the same people. The only big bone of con- 
tention we have is that I like to travel and 
he doesn't. I don't want to go without him, 
but I will 
PLAYBOY: You have an agent and a man- 
ager, but you and Edgar effectively run 
your career together. How much control 
does he have over you? 
RIVERS: ['d say 60 percent. He can control 
me casily. But I think totally for myself. I 
weigh everything he tells me and, al- 
though it’s tremendously influencing, in 
the long run, I decide. We weigh every- 
thing. Nothing is done spur of the 
moment. With the new show, each talent 
coordinators name, each secretary that 
we decide to put on ма is mutually 
decided. Nothing is “Oh, what the hell; 
let's go." "That's why it’s working. М 
Edgar, Гуе got someone protecting me all 
the time. I wouldn't know what to do with- 
out him—though when he had his heart 
ck, there was a good six-month period 
Thad to run things. 
PLAYBOY: Did you enjoy that? 
RIVERS: It was terrific. I found it very 
heady, exhilarating. I made the decisions, 
but it was twice the work. I had to be at 
nes. I made a lot of mistakes, 
ally a businesswoman. 
day, Edgar said to me, "If T 
least I know I left you with a 
tract at Fox.” And he really has. 
€ up at night and think, God, I love 
nd. I wouldn't know what to do 
1. Now, he never pays mc any 
pliments, ne tells me, "You're 
But that's his English reserve. 
Yet he'll turn to me and say, “I love you 
nd Pl to him, “I love you," and he'll 
, "Then make me a cup of coffee.” 


Just the oth 
die now, 


[Laughs] 1—5 not mushy-gushy, it's just 
“You're part of my life.” I couldn't have 
an affair and come home, nor could I have 
a husband who was doing that. 

PLAYBOY: What would you do if you discov- 
ered Edgar was having an affair? 

RIVERS: It depends. If I found out she was 
21 and just a boopy-doop who was making 
him happy, listening wide-eyed to all the 
tales I've heard for years and am tired of, 
Га say, “Well, that's great. That's like 
Franz Josef. Have your little Europcan- 
type fling.” But if I found out he was mak- 
y my friend, I'd be furious: “Don't come 
го our group with your fly open!” 
PLAYBOY: Do you think Edgar ever has had 
an affair? 

RIVERS: No, I think I got the last honest 
man in America. I've seen people come on 
to him. We had a little masseuse in Malibu 
who just had to swim in the ocean—in her 
bikini—after she'd massaged him. I came 
home one day and said, “What is she doing 
out there?" And he said, "She just loves 
the ocean. Would you mind?" And I said, 
“You know what she gets when she gets 
you? She gets you." Hc likes long, leggy 
women. He doesn't know how he got Miss 
Dumpo here. But I don't want to be 


“We should get 
tough, goddamn it! Pm 
for Stallone’s pictures. 

I'm a Rambo-ette.” 


divorced. I don't want to be out there. 
PLAYBOY: If something happened to Edgar, 
would you remarry? 

Rivers: No, I would live with someone. I 
wouldn't believe that at my age, someone 
was going to marry me because he fell 
madly in love with me. He'd be marrying 
me because of what 1 have. If it didn't 
work out, I wouldn't want 50 percent of 
what Edgar had carned to end up going to 
some Chippendale dancer. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of men do you like? 
RIVERS: I don't like old-looking men. I can't 
lie. I can’t say, “Oh, he's 65; isn't that just 
great?” You know everything's hanging 
out under that shirt. 1 love men in their 
prime—which is 40 to 55. That's when 
they're self-assured; their face is craggy, 
without that piece of rooster skin hanging. 
I don't like blonds; I like dark men who 
look a little beaten-up. He could be thc 
Mafia, but he does own Standard Oil. 
PLAYBOY: No blonds, ch? How about Don 
Johnson? 

RIVERS: I had him оп The Tonight Show be- 
fore he was [deep voice] Don Johnson. He 
was just [nasal voice] Don Johnson. Не 
was OK... a nice, slim man on a new 
program called Miami Vice. But nothing 


radiated. The cyes did not lock. Johnny 
Carson used to have a name he used every 
time one of these guys—the hot one for 
that year—came on. Someone told me 
that when Don was on The Tonight Show, 
Johnny turned to somebody afterward and 


PLAYBOY: How about Sting? 


RIVERS: He's terrific. But if he had two 
names, he'd be a much bigger star. People 
don't take him as seriously as they should. 
"To have one name, it has to come from the 
public's love of you. Bernhardt became 
Bernhardt—she didn't say, “Call me Sar- 
ah.” Poor Su he should be called Char- 
ley Sting. Or, better yet, Sting Bromberg. 
Are you a fan of Mick Jagger's? 
would love to meet him. He's fab- 
ulously interesting just because of the time 
span. The first time 1 met him, we were 
both doing The Ed Sullivan Show. 
The Stones were in the next dressing room 
and, for no reason, they ripped apart a 
piano, broke it and destroyed it. I got so 
incensed that anyone would destroy a 
musical instrument that I тап in there and 
yelled at them that they shouldn’t do this. 
Rough, arrogant English kids. How dare 
they destroy a $35,000 Steinway? “Who 
the hell are you?" 

PLAYBOY: What mcn do you find attractive? 
RIVERS: Richard Gere, ten ycars older. 
John Travolta, if he ages well; Rock Hud- 
Son. I know he was gay, but he was a big, 
good-looking, powerful man. I like all 
that. I find Merv Adelson, Barbara Wal- 
ters’ husband, attractive—as I do Barry 
Diller. If 1 were single, I could easily see 
myself signing my name Joan Diller. 
“Barry, honey, your pancakes are getting 
cold.” I also find Ed Koch attractive, 
because he's funny and smart. | do a joke 
and Koch knows that I’m doing a joke and 
laughs at it. Joan Koch, no question about 
it. "Ed, pancakcs." 

onald Reagan? 

RIVERS: He's too old. Turkey neck. Now, 
Neil Simon is а very interesting man. 
Funny, good-looking enough, successful, 
and he gets every joke I make. I love that. 
PLAYBOY: How about Sylvester Stallone? 
He's dark and rugged-looking. 

RIVERS: I love him. I love him because 
he's vulnerable. When I had him on 
The Tonight Show, he sat there, with 
$36,000,000 in the bank, and said, “1 don't 
think I own my house. No matter what 
they tell me, I don't think I own it.” And I 
know what he means. 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Rambo 
and all the political jingoism? 

RIVERS: 1 think Stallone's come at a time 
when this whole country: 
me—is saying, "That's enough. 
thrilled when we finally sent planes over to 
We're a slecping giant. We should 
get goddamn So Um for 
Stallone's pictures. Гт a Rambo-ette. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have an opinion on the 
new Mrs. Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen? 
RIVERS: He made a tragic mi: And 1 
think I should write and tell him. The few 


PLAYBOY 


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contacts Гуе had with her have not been 
pleasant. We were going to use her as a 
guest on The Tonight Show, and she 
insisted on being first guest. First guest is 
your main star. She should have been 
thrilled to come on as fourth guest. Either 
she's being badly advised or her ego is 
totally out of control. Besides, I don't want 
to hear that any woman left her 16-month- 
old child to be brought up by its father in 
order to be with another. man. You just 
don't do that. But that's this town. You 
become successful and you get your tall, 
cool blonde. 

PLAYBOY: Well, the former Mrs. Stallone, a 
short blonde, got 532,000,000 from Sly in 
the divorce settlement. 

RIVERS: That's not tragic. If you're going to 
break up. supposedly get $32,000,000 
while you're young and good-looking, you 
can put the pieces back together on the 
Riviera. 

PLAYBOY: Let's stick with the ladies. Meryl 
Streep? 

RIVERS: An incredible actress but no piz- 
zazz there. When she was pregnant, Cher 
brought her to meet me. And here was this 
very quiet, mousy lady. Still, she’s the best 
thing in films today 
PLAYBOY: Sally Field? 

RIVERS: A good little actress. Га heard she 
was very hurt by a joke Га made about 
her on The Tonight Show, and 1 finally saw 
her at a party one night. So I went over 
to her and I said, “I like you, I really like 
you.” She laughed 

PLAYBOY: How about Jessica Lange and 
Sissy Spacek—are they stars to you? 
RIVERS: No, though I do wish Sissy would 
start wearing some eye make-up. They 
seem so serious. We all know that acting 
an art, not just something you stand 
front of the camera and do; but come о 
girls, lighten up. Enjoy the other p: 
enjoy the limos; enjoy it 

PLAYBOY: One more observation, please. 
Cybill Shepherd? 

RIVERS: Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, The 
est woman іп the world. A lousy 
career to start with, nota major talent by 
any means, washed up in the business, and 
then she moved away to marry an auto- 
parts dealer in Memphis. This life none of 
us wants to hear about, Then, suddenly, to 
come back as the glamor lady of television. 
I hope she knows and appreciates that she 
got a second chance. Joan Collins got it 
and, boy, does she know it. She's enjoying 
every minute the second time around. 
PLAYBOY: Where does Jo: ‚ollins rank on 
your list of great living tarts? 

RIVERS: Oh, she’s the greatest of them all. 
And having the time of her life—going to 
Ascot, vet, mixing with the rovals, wearing 
long black gloves with a bracelet over one 
glove at a dinner party. 1t just screamed 
a Hayworth and old Hollywood! 
PLAYBOY: Who else are the great tarts? 
RIVERS: Madonna, of course, very tarty. 
She raised her arm at the wedding to wave 
and | thought Tina Turner was under 
there. And Cyndi Lauper. 


PLAYBOY: Bette Midler? 

Bette is terrific, because she's 
Пу found her niche, which is wonderful, 
comedy. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel in competition with 
Bette? 

RIVERS: Oh, total competition. And she 
feels it with me. Originally, she didn't 
want her role in Ruthless People, so they 
brought me in and were going to give it to 
me, when she heard about it. Immedi- 
ately, she said, “ГІ take the role.” Гат to 
Bette what Tony Randall was to Cary 
Grant. If you can't get Bette, send Joan. 
PLAYBOY: Burt Reynolds has said some 
pretty uncomplimentary things about you 
How did this feud start, anyway? 


RIVERS: Hc hates me, and I don't know 


why 


He has said the most evil, vicious, 


horrendous things about me, but [ve 


always liked him. I like anyone with 
humor, and he has a great sense of humor, 
T just figured he had a bad day because his 
toupee was twisted or his caps might have 
fallen out or the heels on his boots 
could've been broken or his dildo may 
have been pinching. He could have just 
looked at himself in direct sunlight and 
realized how old he rcally is. But, look, 
I have nothing against him. [Laughs] 
Another one I don't get is Shirley Mac- 
Laine, She's very liberal and worked hard 
for women's liberation. Yet in Las Vegas, 
she once headlined and I opened for her. 
It was a first, a woman opening and a 
woman closing. But when they offered us 
four morc wecks, she said no, she'd rather 
have a man open—and this was at the 
height of her marching for NOW. See, 
she's a businesswoman at heart and 
believed it was better business to have a 
man open her act. I think she's very smart, 
but I don't trust anyone who talks to peo- 
ple at the bottom of the sca. 

PLAYBOY: What about political figures? 
RIVERS: Politicians are hard. We all adored 
Ronald Reagan—and I still adore Nancy; 
Um a major fan—until suddenly, onc day, 
you realize the whole tone of the country 
has changed. 175 become very frightening 
these days. We're getting too conservative. 
It's as if we've regressed. When I look at 
what the Supreme Court is coming down 
with, I get scared. You cannot come into 
my private life! You cannot come into my 
home! You cannot tell me what Pm 
allowed to do in the privacy of my bed- 
room or what I’m allowed to do with my 
body! You cannot tell me that Ше begins 
when you're a fetus! Anyway, life for a 
Jewish child begins the day he enters med- 
ical school. Basically, I'm apoliücal— 
until something gets me angry. Му 
first question is always, “How docs it affect 
Israel?" When they were doing the benefit 
for the homeless, Comic Relief, Rodney 
Dangerfield had one of the funniest lines. 
"They called Rodney to be on the show and 
he said, "Fuck the homeless. What have 
г Isracl?” [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Any thoughts on Lee Iacocca? 


RIVERS: Enough already. We know you're 
an immigrants son; we know you're a self- 
made man; we know you turned Chrysler 
around; we know you want the best for the 
Statue of Liberty. We also know, however, 
that you want to be President. 

PLAYBOY: Jack Gould, former television. 
critic of The New York Times, called vou 
"quite possibly the most intu funny 
woman alive." So whom does Amei 
most intuitively funny woman find funny? 
RIVERS: | change; but at the moment, my 
favorite is Robin Williams. There's no- 
body like him. His mind is just wonderful. 
1 respect him because he does what I do. 
I've scen him get upat The Comedy Store, 
work out a. whole Carson shot and then 
come on Carson and make it look like it's 
casy. He takes nothing for granted. Не 
knows exactly what he’s doing. Robin Wil- 
liams is one of those people ГЇЇ wait in the 
rain to sec. Richard Pryor is another, and 
Pl also wait for Bill Murray. And Lily 
[Tomlin], of course. I also adore Eddie 
Murphy, mainly because he has respect 
for his elders; he knows I'm going to die. 
One day we pull into a parking lot and 
another car screeches to a halt. Eddie, one 
of the major kings of comedy, jumps out 
runs over, picks me up, spins me around, 
says, "Come over and mect my girl," takes 
me to the car, introduces me to the girl 
and this kid has just made Beverly Hills 
Cop and has 72 retainers 
PLAYBOY: Do male or 
respond to you better? 
RIVERS: Male comics come in large groups 
use the work 


female comics 


Female comics seldom come 
to see me. They don't think that what I'm 
talking about is pertinent to their 
today. And it isn't. It’s pertinent to my lif 

that's why Pm talking about it. They're 
not a 53-year-old woman with a daughter 
in college and a hysterectomy. Tm not 
going to talk about the drug scene, 
because I'm not into the drug scene. 

How do you keep track of jok 
: On stage, I just try to let it happen. 
In that respect, 1 learned a lot from Lenny 
Bruce. | know what Fm going to talk 
about, the areas, but I don't know how it's 
going to con 
You throw it up, you may catch this or that 
one, but you've got to get them all caught 
before they land. And that’s how it comes 
out. You can't organize it. That's on stage. 
Off stage, Pm v ethodical I have 
every joke worked out and written down. 
Then I cross-index and cross-file them. I 
have lists all over the place of new jokes I 
want to try and files of jokes that Гуе tried 
in night clubs but not on television, for 
instance. Most of us are that way. David 
Brenner's file is on video tapes. Garry 
dling has notebooks. Bob Hope, they 


out. It's likc a deck of cards. 


ndexed material divided into sub- 
ject matte when and where it was 
done. For a while I was very angry with 


Bob Hope. He was saying things about me 
that were not funny. But now he's mel- 
lowed ош, so you say, “He's 83 years old 
and still doing specials, so, by God, that’s 
OK. And doesn't he look great! 
PLAYBOY: Hope said he found your humor 
nasty. You do realize that many people 
find it mean-spirited, don't you? 

RIVERS: [ know, and I stare at them when I 
hear that, because I don't know what 
they're talking about. Гус said this before 
and ГИ say it again: I do not pick on some- 
one who can't defend himself. That's mean- 
spiritedness 

PLAYBOY: So all public figures are fair 
game? 


You don't think so? Jackie Onassi 
eyes on cither side of her head 
is not fair game? With her 
$38,000,000? 

PLAYBOY: How about the Karen Carpenter 
jokes? 

RIVERS: All І s she was skinny 
enough for David Brenner. ‘The point I 
always made with Karen Carpenter was 
how e one suddenly loved her the min- 
ute she died; but for two years before she 
died, not one person bought an album or 
went to sce her. So why are w Il so bereft 
over this poor girl? 

PLAYBOY: Don't you think people eventu- 
ally get turned off? Don Rickles was once 


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85 


PLAYBOY 


the king of insult comedy, but many peo- 
ple think his career is practically over. 
RIVERS: | don’t think it's over. I think he's 
hysterically funny. The problem 
end of his act, he apologizes. Не 
sorry. I'm not here to hurt you; I'm really 
a nice guy, this is all in fun." What I used 
to say at the end of my act was “If I've 
fended one person or made one person 
cry—sob—or upset someone well, 
tough" And that’s it. Don shouldwt cop 
out. ГЇЇ never cop out. But tell me one per- 
son Гуе been mean to that cared. 
PLAYBOY: Well, we understand Princess 
Annc is in tears. 
RIVERS: No, she's just out of breath from 
pulling the carriage at her brother's wed- 
ding. 
PLAYBOY: You were in London for that 
wedding—Sarah Ferguson and Prince 
Andrews. How was it? 
RIVERS: Sensational. God bless 
bringing back boobs and hips. E 
rl should kiss Sarah Ferguson's 
chubby thighs. But she looked great. They 
had put her in all those things that make 
you look thin: They had her corseted іп, 
the V in front going down and, to cover the 
rear end. the big bow—the old Judy G 
nd wick. And, of course, she had her 
tials over her boobs. The А was on the 
train, but the S was on her boobs. Nobody 
can borrow that dre: 
PLAYBOY: How did Diana look? 
RIVERS: Too thin. Listen, Diana is ready for 
that mother-in-law to go. She's ready to be 
queen, Speaking of which, the queen was 
not happy going in— no smile to the peas- 
ants goi through that. church. door— 
becaus Аһ was сінің minutes late. But, 
he looked great, the queen. The queen 
mother looked. happy, Margaret. looked 
souscd, Princess Michael looked like a tall 
Nazi— just a typical family outing. 
PLAYBOY: You also know that many people 
find your humor vulgar and dirty. 
RIVERS: They're telling me Em dirty when 
“re lining up to see Ruthless People. 1 
rge Carlin, who's brilliant, 
every other word is fuck, piss, suck, 
nobody says this man is dirty. 1 walk on 
stage and say one fuck and the whole 
view the next day is dedicated to 
filthy wom You want to say, * 
me, let's watch Carlin or Robin à 


ergie for 
very fat 


ni- 


xcuse 
Pryor. 


What the hell are you talking about?” But 
t 


that’s because Гат a woman. People don 
want to hear it from a woman. 

PLAYBOY: Your book, Enter Talking, was à 
best seller. Briefly, it tells the tale of your 
long and often humiliating struggle to 
make it as a comic, ending when vou 
finally went on The Tonight Show and Car- 
son said, "God. you're funny. You're going 
to be a st How did you feel about the 
eviews of your book? 

RIVERS: I was delighted with the 
but the thing I found most interesting was 
that women liked the book better (han 
men. Every bad review 1 got was written 
by a man. Em just too outspoken and 
opinionated for me Times, 


which I've always respected, gave the 
book to a man who spent the whole review 
discussing not the book but why I wasn't 
as funny as Ed Wynn. And Andy 
Rooney—that three-minute filler at the 
end of 60 Minutes who has never made 
me laugh—wrote an article about how 
he doesn't like me, He said he didn't find 
me funny. Tell me the last time you picked 
up the phone and said, “My God, did you 
see what that big fatso on 60 Minutes 
said?” 

PLAYBOY: You've always been the only 
woman in the club, the only really com- 
mercially successful woman in the man’s 
world of stand-up comedy. Do you con- 
sider yourself a pioneer, a feminist? 

RIVERS: 1 didn't realize what a liberated 
lady I was. I always said, "My life is lib- 
erated. Leave me alone. I have no time to 
join a movement, because I am the move- 
ment.” I didn't have time to go up to any- 
onc and say, "Go out and make it in a 
man's world." I just said, "Look at me 
and you can see what I’m doing.” I never 
wanted to say that because I was a 
woman, things were harder for me or I was 
judged separately. It took two incidents— 


“We women are objects. We 

were born lo continue the 

species. Any woman who's 
intelligent knows that." 


my book and this business about leaving 
on show—to turn me around. 
y book, as I said, women seem to 
understand it more th: And when I 
left The Tonight Show, | got such good 
wishes, such support from women. I didn't 
realize how nice it was that women were 
behind what I did. It's wonderful. 

Im absolutely a feminist. When I 
started doing stand-up, | played these 
strip joints, these dives all over the coun- 
try. At Barnard, I had taken a class with 
Margaret Mead. She was so smart—not a 
dresser, but so smart. [Laughs] She was 
married three times, so there was obvi- 
ously something going on under that grass 
skirt, Anyway, I called her and told her I 
was going to play these crummy clubs and 
said, “Maybe we can find something out 
for women from this." So she said, “Let's 
do a little survey.” She made up a list of 
questions that I passed out during cach of 
my perlormances. Then Га send. Mead 
back the questionnaires with glass marks 
on them. [Laughs] The questions were 
“Who do you think should control the 
income in your family? Who brings in 
the income? Who stays with the children? 
Who makes the big decisions? Do you 
think women should work? Do you think 


n men. 


women should have equal 
investments in the family?" Very basic 
things. This was the carly Sixties. An 
way, when Mead tabulated all the an- 
меге, she said, “There's something 
happening out there, because ladies in 
Kansas City are saying, "Even though I do 
work, I don't think I should tell him how 
10 invest the moncy—or wait a minute. 
Maybe I should tell him." ^ 

PLAYBOY: Despite what you say about femi 
nism, some people think you don't real 
like women, that that comes through in 
your jokes about how a woman should do 
anything—including undergoing plastic 
surgery—to get a husband. They say you 
turn women into objects and therefore 
degrade them. 

RIVERS: But we are objects. We're on earth 
for one reason—to procreate, which 
means we are sexual objects. The only rc 
son you and I were born is to continue thc 
species. Once we've done that, it’s all over 
and we can wither and die. So we are 
objects, and there’s nothing wrong in say 
ing that. Any woman who's intelligent 
knows it's true. These women who say I 
make objects out of them—don't they 
watch their weight? Arc they getting their 
hair done? You can say I degrade women if 
you're a woman who's never exercised, 
never had her hair cut, never worried 
about how she looks in an outfit. But thc 
only woman who could say that to me and 
mean it is Mother Teresa— preferably on 
my new show. 

PLAYBOY: A lot of people felt that The 
Tonight Show had a good combination 
working for it—the juxtaposition of John- 
ny and you, the relaxed host and the brit- 
tle onc. That's ove 
RIVERS: No, now there will be the same 
juxtaposition simply by turning your dial. 
Johnny's too soft for you tonight? Fin 
Click over to mc. 

PLAYBOY: What if the show doesn't work? 
What will that say to you about your own 
style, how the audience feels about you? 
RIVERS: It will say that Гус got a great con- 
tract with Fox and I'm going to be a very 
rich lady by the end of it. Don't worry. We 
took care of that end, too; I did not jump 
into the abyss for nothing. If it doesn't 
work, ГЇЇ continue to do night clubs; and if 
it really doesn't work, ГИ retire and go 
back to my first love—anthropology. 1 
know it sounds stupid, but even if thc show 
doesn't work, ГЇЇ have all this money com- 
ing in from Fox for three years, so wouldn't 
it be nice to lock at the Great Wall of 
China while I can still see it? Go to Hong 
Kong while there's still a Hong Kong? 
There's so much Га like to do that I 
haven't had the time to do. So . . . no. Pm 
not worried. [Makes face] Unless they tell 
me I can't take my hairdresser and nail 
girl on ion. Now, (hal would 
worry me 


y in mo 


э” 


now. 


TZA 


т ы 


</мкЕ 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Sa 
^ potine av. per cigarette by | d we 2 


psu 
Norman Mailer's 
a literary Dude. 
Dan Rather's a 
news Dude. 
Richard Pryor's 
a black Dude. 
Jerry Lee Lewi 
is a Killer Dude. 
Prince is not a 
Dude—he's some- 
thing else. 
Mel Brooks and 
Woody Allen аге 
gefilte-fish Dudes. 


Sam Shepard is 

a righteous Dude. 
Van Gogh was a 
crazy Dude. 

Bruce 

Springsteen is a 

b, married Dude. 


the art of 


the cool 


in a world 


filled with the dull 


THIS 15 dedicated to Dudes—the followers of Dudeism. 
Dudeism is the philosophy of those who live in har- 
mony with the great universal cool; from which all 
things flow and to which they return once they have 
cruised around their groove in the world 

Dudeism, or the way of the Dudeist, is the purest 
expression of universal cool. Walking, talking, even 
standing still, the Dude is cool. Everyone has known a 
Dude. The first kid in kindergarten to wear long pants, 
ride his tricycle down the slide and write his name by 
peeing on the alley 


wall was a young ake shit from 
Dude In high 


school the Dude потап, 
always came late to woman,child 
class, sat in the back onsmali 
balancing his chair 

©. one fes while mammal 
striving to carve the —FROM THE DUDE-ITUDE 


perfect pair of 
breasts on his desk with a Bic pen and pass 


^ Dude manages to arrive at the party just as it’s 
peaking, somehow giving the impression that things 
pick up when he walks in the door. He gracefully res- 


an at tive woman from a Dull conversation 


cues 
with a guy who has one long eyebrow and a pinkie ring 


Together, they quietly split the party before the keg 
starts pumping foam. 

Those who don't have the snap, crackle or courage to 
hang with universal cool must live out their lives in the 
dark realm of the Dull, condemned to being punched by 
time clocks, wearing discount clothes and slowly dying 
of food poisoning from eating the soggy Goldfish crack- 
ers in third-rate discos and other singles’ holding tanks 

But to contemplate the miserable is to strain the eyes, 
and Dudes aren't into strain. So slip on your shades 


f you’re gonna 
stay cool, you 
gotta put some- 
thing down— 
you gotta make 
some jive. Don’t 
ya know what m 
talkin’ about? 
—MARLON BRANDO, 
The Wild One 


MARLON BRANDO Ý 
| In The Wild One, 
he was a biker — — 
| Dude. 


In On the Water- | 
front, he wasa - | 
street-fightin" 1 


“in Last Tango in 
‚ Paris, he was a 
sexy Dude. | 


In Apocelypse 
Мон, he was a fat | 
Dude. y 


and let's cop some golden rays of universal 
cool and sce what's happening! 


THERMODYNAMICS OF COOL 


Cool is directly proportional to the 
amount of pressure. The greater the pres- 
sure, the cooler the Dude. In situations of 
extreme pressure, a Dude drops from cool 
to cold. As in the following conversation: 


A: He's a cold Dude, chilled out 

B: Very chilly—a frosty Dude 

A: Absolutely. The Dude's sub- 
zero, packing major ice—he could ve 
dropped the Titanic. 

B: Hes way North 
polar—I mean, capped 


totally 


When a really cold Dude dies, it is said 
that he “sleeps with the Eskimos.” 

Frostbite is what happens when a Dude 
puts a dull jerk in his place with a few 
righteous remarks 


She's got it down. 
The knack. The 
way. How to talk 
and what to say. 
How to hang and 
when to split. Her 
clothes are right— 
the perfect fi 
She's happening 
now, a sure shot, a 
steady gaze; she's 
up to the minute 
and in on the 
traze. 


Cyndi Lauper 
Annie Lennox 
Marilyn Chambers 
Sigourney Weaver 
Olive Oyl 


© 1986 KING FEATURES SYNDICATE, INC. 


POSTURE 


The early Dudeists were often ridiculed 
and ostracized for their casual slouch—a 
posture utilized for sustained contempla 
tion or just hanging out. Frequent finger 
combing of the hair has always been used 
by Dudeists to stimulate thought. Sponta- 
neous dancing, with or without music, is 
essential to keep the attitude loose and to 
prevent the Dull from entering the body 
In addition to body language, the Dude 
maintains a constant state of verbal alert- 
He's never 


at a loss for a bizarre 
association, Нег hair 
babooning down her back." 

As always, the important thing is to 
eliminate the Dull, But—and this is very 
importani—the Dude knows that too 
much of anything can become Dull. That 
includes being cool, so a Dude will occa- 
sionally make some intentional. blunder 
that endears him to others 


ness 


such as was 


udes and mar- 
riage: It hap- 
pens. Why? 
Because there 
are Dude-ettes 
in the world. 


DUDES AND SEX 
“A dude ki 
— Kathy, waitress at the Troubador 


Dudes are very advanced sexually 
They don't talk about sex, they do it— 
though they enjoy talking about it while 
they're doing it 

At 13, the curious Dude has already 
skimmed the Kama Sutra, scoped The Joy 
of Sex and purchased large quantities of 
tinted rubbers from the neighborhood fill- 
ing station. But as a man, he comes to 
appreciate the basics; He knows that no 
amount of acroba atteries or chemi- 
a good kiss and 
a defily controlled missionary position. 
However, a little leather is OK—the Dude 


es slow.” 


cal stimulants са 


has been known to keep his boots on. 
Dudes see sex as a dance, not a race— 
finishing first doc 


A FEW HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE HISTORY 
OF THE OUDE 


Prehistoric: Fire was discovered by a 
Dude when he lighted his cigarette. Later 
that day, he discovered oil for the wheel 

The Dark Ages: A very dull time for 
Dudes. The plague and the Inquisition— 
100 much pain and too many questions. 
Most Dudes headed for the Bahamas 

The discovery of America: Columbus 
establishes cruising as a viable profession 

America the free: The British split, the 
slaves are freed, reggae hits the charts. 

Turn of the century: Henry Ford, tired of 
Dudes" borrowing his са 


the Model T. 


i mean you've won 


mass-produces 


World War Two: Combat boots really 
catch on 
The Fifties: Rock-w-roll years. Elvis, 


Brando and Dean consecrate blue jeans 
and grease 

Special mention —Walt Laggard: Little is 
known about this early Ame an Dude, 
who invented the Laggard Leisure Shoc, 
the loafer—a 


which eventually. became 


major step for Dudcism 


DUDE DREAMS 


Dudes rarely talk about it, but occasion- 
ally they will have a bad dream. These 
dreams were studied by a group of very 
Dude psychologists. Here are two typical 
Dude bad drcams: 

It is а rock-n-roll concert 
ence is eager. clapping for the show to be- 
gin. The Dude is backstage, letting the 
tension build. As it peaks, he grabs the 
mike, screams and leaps on stage only to 
discover that instead of legs. he has little 
wheels—and they squeak. 

A Dude is on his Harley, fighting his 
way up the north face of Mount Everest. It 
hasn't been easy. He squeezed his last beer 
12 miles back. The sky clears and he can 
see the peak up ahead. With the last of his 
strength, he pops a wheelie and conquers 
the summit. There he finds his mother sit- 
ting in а rocking chair, surrounded by a 
news crew. Suddenly, the Dude realizes 
he’s only three months old and his diapers 
need changing. As his mother cleans him 
up, he can't help noticing that he's not a 
boy at all—he’s a TV dinner 


THE WEIROEST OUDE DREAM 


A Dude is sitting across the table from 
Meryl Streep. It hasn't been easy. Even 
hanging a spoon from the end of his nose 
has failed to get a laugh from her. Sud- 
denly, just as the chocolate soulllé arrives, 
Meryl drops her napkin and goes into 


The audi- 


labor. The waiter politely ignores this and 
asks if they would like a dollop of whipped 
The Dude hurls the table aside 
and leaps to her aid. He can't believe his 


cream 


cyes—she's turned into Indira. Gandhi 
The baby pops out, wearing a suit and 
clutching a piece of chalk. Its Mr. 
Springer, the Dude's eighth-grade 
teacher 


The Dude always seems to be able to get 
gs that other people simply 
nation to deal with. 
nebriated girl 
ІК her home. 


1 have the 
At a party, an 


doi 


The Dude complies 
down the block, he notices that her panties 
are falling down around her knces. Which 
of the following does the Dude do? 

A. He does his best to ignore them. 

B. He pulls them up for her. 

С. He pulls them down for her. 

D. He removes his underwear and offers 
to trade with he 
ns himself in to the police. 
he Dude asks a girl to dance and she 


de 
I's all right—1 won't make fun of 
ay you dance.” 


never 


th 


В. “Yeah, | 
either, 


accept charity, 


guess I have to give that money 
your а 
Now who am I gonna cast in 


my mov 
2 "Oh, well, another lonely night on 
the yacht." 
F “What is it with us Kennedys?” 
Dudes know the answers. If you're not 
one, 


Quota. on the madness, , Dude. Let's 
k back and scope some random 
nasties.” 

These bitches are too legal, Dude 
Screen that growth she's hanging with." 


m SEEN a chubby 
"Lets pound another brewsky.” 


floral prints, recipes or fuzz. 
paperweights 


No clear-plastic with 
some poor cr 
No hotel towels or empty imported-beer 
bottles as dec 
Anvthing black. 
‘othing that is supposed to look like 
something other than what it really 
plastic wood, lor instance. A real dead tree 
is better than a plastic "live" опе. The one 
ception is large fake boulders—there's 
something about them 
Futons arc cool. Almo: 
nese except hara-kiri 
again, if things get 
Dimmer s 
ing the television. 
Stereo, of 


ju: 


nything Japa- 
cool—but, then 


coursc—anything 


from 


300-watt public-address speakers hooked 
up to a Sony Walkman to a fierce little 
ghetto blaster splattered with paint. 
Dudes living alone tend to fall down a 
little in the refrigerator department. It is 
customary when visiting a fellow Dude to 
immediately check out his fridge. The con- 
tents can range from a half-caten pizza to a 
forlorn beer and a 12-volt car battery. 
| DU 
Metal, blue ruin, 
later, pistons, go, 
packed, state of 
the art, juxta- 
posed, matt, alter- 
native action, 4 
glandular mode, 
really?, serious, 
postpunk, beat, 
fully loaded, way 
gone, Bela, CD, 
EP, Bullet Май, 
swell, zoned, 
apocalyptic, de- 
struct-o, stuccoed, 
shranked, killer, 
shark attack, 
chowder, cactus 
eyes, shooters, 
flake, spicy, orgas- 
mic, hyper, totally 
fucked, severely 
fucked, way 
fucked, slam 
fucked, refucked, 
reptile, nasty, man 
overboard, indus- 
trial salsa, techno- 
pop, automatic 
pilot, cruise con- 
trol, jet trash, rain 
dog, beast, hog, 
horrorshow, 
thrashed, anal, 
righteous, bitin’, 
bashed, ghetto 
breath, lizard, 
spanked, spanky, 
spank action, hor- 
rendous, abso- 
fuckinlutely, blah, 
blah, blah. 


(of course) 
g black except for garters 
* Leather jacket (never suede and never 


fake) 

+ White T-shirt (with no stupid 
ings) 

*Old boots, cowboy boots, rubber 
boots, motorcycle boots, work boots, 


climbing boots, steel-toed boots, combat 
boots, ski boots, lead boots, snake boots, 
hunting boots, ice boots, fire boots, space 
boots, flood boots, fallout boots, wood 
boots, skunk boots, beer boots 


The following make up the Dude-itude. 
or the attitude of the Dude. 
1. By all means and under all circum- 


stances—remain cool. 
2. Take shi 


or small mammal (this c; 


nces, vehicles and plants). 


3. Never wear a jogging suit. 
Dull wherever. it 


7. Avoid winter. 


he idea is to 
have a ball. 
—MARLON 
BRANDO, 
The Wild One 


from no man, woman, child 
also apply to 


s 


vintage-watch words to the wise 


EEMS LIKE To 
0LD TIMES o 


coupled.with contemporary workings. From left to right: Railroad watch with 24-hour dial; by Bulova - 

Watch Company, $125. Piping Rock watch from the Twenties, by The Hamilton Watch Company, $295 
Alexander Julian's Fifties-style Colours watch, distributed by Swank, Inc., $60. Above it; Pasha de Cartier, А 
limited-edition reproduction of the first waterproof watch, set with sapphires, from Cartier, Chicago, -- 
$11.700. Sectorial watch with linear dial that shows hours and minutes in a double row, from Toufneau;- 2 
New York, $695. Modern-classic wrist watch with a lightweight case, by Calvin Klein Watches, $22 


| ne latest movement in the wrist-watch biz is back to the future as manufacturers resurrect vintage lodk 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY OAVE JOROANO > 


110d OISNIN AOSAV Id 2861 


THE YEAR’S BEST: 
А ВОСКТР С ыты 
A неми 
SREB ER 225-222“ 
4. COUNTRY LP... 

5. MOVIE SOUND TRACK 
6: ROCK ЅОМС........::......:........... RES 
Т. JAZZ СОМРОЅІТІОМ........................ 
8. R&B SONG 
9. COUNTRY 6ОМС......................... 

10. DRIVING 5ОМС........................... 

11. MAKE-OUT SONG ....................... 

A2 NEW АВТ1$Т............................- 

13. COMEBACK АВТІЅТ......................::. 

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15. TELEVISION-SHOW 
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25. CHARITY CONCERT EVENT........ 


THE YEAR’S BEST 


Write in the full name of your choice in 
each category. 


1. 
2. 
3. 
4. 


15. 


21. — лей 


Ш ТОР RFORMERS 


Below, write in the NUMBERS of listed 
candidates you choose: If-your choice 
isn't listed, then write in the name. 

POP/ROCK 
Male vocalist 
Female vocalist 
Instrumentalist 
Group 


JAZZ 
Male vocalist 
Female vocalist 
Instrumentalist 
Group 


R&B 
Male vocalist 
Female vocalist 
Instrumentalist 
Group 


COUNTRY 

Male vocalist 
Female vocalist 
Instrumentalist 
Group 


PLAYBOY HALL OF FAME 


(write in your choice) 


Instrumentalists and vocalists, living or dead, are 

Artists рту) reviously elected (Duane ‘Allman, Herb per 

Болмай паара. Count Basie, John Bonham, id 
Brubeck, Ray Charles, Eric Clapton, Phil 

боме, E Coltrane, Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, DUKE 

кал, Ella Fitzgerald, Benny Goodman, George Harri- 

ix, Michael Jackson, Mick Jagger, Elton 
dera an Joplin, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Wes 
Moni n Keith Moon, Jim Morrison, Willie Nelson, 
Elvis Presley, Linda Ronstadt, Frank Sinatra, Bruce 

ingsteen, fing ie Siar Peter Townshend, Stevie Won- 
ПЫН not "eligible. 


(Mail ballot to: Playboy Music Poll, Play! oce 919 
North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 


IE H LO G PERFORATION 


CHOOSE THE TOP PERFORMERS BY NUMBER ON THE ACCOMPANYING BALLOT. 
TO VOTE FOR SOMEONE WHO'S NOT LISTED, WRITE IN THE FULL NAME. 


POP/ROCK 
Male Vocalist 


Bono 

Phil Collins 

Peter Gabriel 
Sammy Hagar 
Billy Idol 

Mick Jagger 
Huey Lewis 

John Mellencamp 
Robert Palmer 

10, Prince 

11. David Lee Roth 
12. Bob Seger 

13 Bruce Springsteen 
14. Sting 

15. Steve Winwood 


SEAS 


Female Voc. 


1. Belinda Carlisle 
2. Whitney Houston 
3. Janet Jackson 
4. Joan Jett 

5. Patti LaBelle 

6. Cyndi Lauper 

7. Annie Lennox 

8. Katrina Leskanich 
9. Madonna 
10. Maria McKee. 
11. Stevie Nicks 
12. Sade 
13. Carly Simon 
14. Grace Slick 
15. Tina Turner. 


1 Roy Bittan 
2. Eric Clapton 
3. Phil Collins 

4. Stewart Copeland 
5. Thomas Dolby 

6. Edge 

7. Howard Jones 

8 Mark Knopfler 

9. Keith Richards 

10. Steve Stevens 

11. Peter Townshend 
12. Edward Van Halen 
13. Stevie Ray Vaughan. 
14. Tina Weymouth 

15. Stevie Wonder 


Dire Straits 


Eurythmics 
Genesis 


RHYTHM-AND-BLUES 


Male Vocalist 


Philip Вайеу 
Afrika Bambaataa 
James Brown 

El DeBarge 
James Ingram 
Jermaine Jackson 
Michael Jackson 
Rick James 
Michael McDonald 
10. George Michael 
11. Billy Ocean 

12. Jeffrey Osborne 
13. Prince 

14. Luther Vandross 
15. Stevie Wonder 


Female Vocalist 


1. Anita Baker 

2. Aretha Franklin 
3. Nona Hendryx 

4. Whitney Houston 
5. Janet Jackson 

6. Chaka Khan 

7. Gladys Knight 

8 Patti LaBelle 

9. Madonna 

10. Teena Marie 
11. Alison Moyet 
12 Pointer Sisters 
13, Diana Ross 
14. Sade 
15, Deniece Williams 


1. Clarence Clemons 
2 George Clinton 
3. Phil Collins 

4. Robert Cray 

5. Charlie DeChant 
6. 

7 

8 


ONDAN 


Herbie Hancock 
Rick James 
Stanley Jordan 
9 Stuart Matthewman 

10 Mtume 

11 Prince 

12 Lionel Richie 

13. Jamaaladeen Tacuma 

14. Dave “Hawk” 

Wolinsky 
15. Stevie Wonder 


1 Ashford & Simpson 
2 Black Uhuru 


JAZZ 


Male Vocalist 


1. Mose Allison 

2. Tony Bennett 

3. George Benson 

4. Ray Charles 

5. Bob Dorough 

6. Billy Eckstine 

7. Michael Franks 

8. Al Jarreau 

9. Bobby McFerrin 
10. Milton Nascimento 
11. Lou Rawls 
12. Gil Scott-Heron 
13. Frark Sinatra 
14. Mel Torme 
15. Joe Williams 


Female Vocalist 


1. Patti Austin. 

2. Angela Bofill 

3. Dee Dee Bridgewater 
4. Jean Carne 

5. Betty Carter 

6. Ella Fitzgerald 

7. Lena Home 

8 Whitney Houston 
9. Cleo Laine. 

10. Tania Maria 

11. Carmen McRae 
12. Sade 
13. Sarah Vaughan 
14. Dionne Warwick 
15. Nancy Wilson 


Stanley Clarke 
Billy Cobham 

Miles Davis 

Jack DeJohnette 
Dizzy Gillespie 

Herbie Hancock 
Chuck Mangione 
Вгаліога Marsalis 
Wynton Marsalis 

Pat Metheny 

Sonny Rollins. 

. David Sanborn 
Wayne Shorter 
Grover Washington. Jr 
Sadao Watanabe 


Өзіме Ееее ыс 


1. Akiyoshi/Tabackin 
Big Band 

2. Crusaders 

3. Michael Franks 

4 Free Flight 

5. Herbie Hancock 

6. Hiroshima 

7. Bob James! 

David Sanborn 

8. Stanley Jordan 

9. Jeff Lorber Fusion 

10. Chuck Mangione 

11. Spyro Gyra 

12. Sting 

18. Weather Report 

14, World Sax Quartet 

15. Yellowjackets 


COUNTRY 


1. John Anderson 
2. Johnny Cash 

3. Lee Greenwood 
4. Merle Haggard 
5. Waylon Jennings 
6. George Jones 

7. Pake McEntire 
8. Ronnie Milsap 

9. Gary Morris 

10. Willie Nelson 

11. Kenny Rogers 
12. Ricky Skaggs 
13. George Strait 
14. Hank Williams, Jr. 
15. Dwight Yoakam 


Female Vocalist 


1. Rosanne Cash 

2. Lacy J. Dalton 

3. The Forester Sisters 
4. Janie Fricke 

5. Crystal Gayle 

6. Emmylou Harris 
7. The Judds 

8. Loretta Lynn 

9. Barbara Mandrell 
10. Kathy Mallea 

11. Reba McEntire 
12. Juice Newton 
13. Dolly Parton 
14. Judy Rodman 
15. Tammy Wynette 


1. Chet Atkins 

2. Roy Clark 

3. Ry Cooder 

4. Amos Garrett 
5. Johnny Gimble 
6. David Grisman 
7. John Hartford 
8. Sonny James 
9. Charlie McCoy 
10. John McEuen 
11. Bill Monroe 

12. Jerry Reed 

13. Earl Scruggs 
14. Ricky Skaggs 
15. Doc Watson 


1. Alabama 
2. The Bellamy Brothers 
3. Charlie Daniels Band 
4. Exile. 
5. Larry Gatlin & the Gat- 
lin Brothers Band 
6. Merle Haggard & 
the Strangers 
7. Waylon Jennings 
& the Waylors 
8. The Nitty Gritty 
Dirt Band 
9. Oak Ridge Boys 
10. Restless Heart 
11. Sawyer Brown 
12. Southern Pacific 
13. Statler Brothers 
14. The Whites 
15. Hank Williams, «г, 
& the Bama Band 


“For God's sake, Martin—we’ve got Puritans!” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


REV VIN’ 


DEVIN 


HAVING TROUNCED THE 
COMPETITION ON STAR SEARCH, 
MISS DE VASQUEZ HAS 
HER EYE ON NEW HORIZONS 


Т HE ROUTE to the top isn’t easy. When 
the crew of Star Search came to Chi- 
cago, every model in town turned 
out for the audition. Devin DeVasquez, 
rLaxBoY's June 1985 Playmate, was one of 
the last in line. “I got to the door just in 
time to hear the producer say, ‘I'm sick of 
seeing girls" I poked my head around the 
door and said, ‘Just one more.’ They called 
me back to compete, but I was busy doing 
the Playmate Play-offs show for The Playboy 
Channel. I sent flowers to the producer and 
asked him to think of me in the future. 
Apparently he did. One of the other girls 
they had chosen dropped out, so I got a call 
late in the season, went on—and won.” 


And you thought Ed McMohon's biggest thrill inlife 
was getting to sit next to Johnny Carson? Ed 
(below), onnouncing Devin DeVosquez' victory on 
Star Search, soid, "We knew she was a winner.” 


te, 


іппіпш on Star Search 
surprised Devin. “1 was 
flattered. More than 


68,000 people auditioned for Star 
Search that year. I thought it was 
terrific just to get onto the show. I 
was self-conscious about my little- 
girl voice, but it ended up being to 
my advantage. I was so nervous, it 
was hard to be anything but 
myself. The audience saw the real 
person." Star Search is the 
number-two show in syndication— 
second to Wheel of Fortune—with 
an audience of 22,000,000 plus. So 
now, our Miss June has more fans 
to add to the millions who saw her 
in pLaveoy. “Being in the magazine 
was a very positive thing for me,” 
she told us. “Nowadays, when I 
read about 7-Eleven and the 
Meese commission and hear what 
they say about rLavsov, I think, 
Hey, that’s me they're talking 
about. Who are they to judge? I 
feel proud to be part of history.” 

As champion in Star Search's 
"spokesmodel" category, Devin 
won $100,000. Has her life 
changed? “1 bought a car, put the 
rest of the money away and forgot 
about it. It’s given mean umbrella 
so that I can pursue my acting 
carcer." То that end, Devin has 
moved to Los Angeles. “It’s a 
change. In Chicago, everything is 
in one place. Out here, it takes an 
hour to drive anywhere." 


evin has decided to 
focus her energies and, 


though she still does 
commercials, has cut down on 
her modeling. She posed for a 
signature poster for Starmakers, 
a Muscle & Fitness cover with 
Carl Weathers. She had a small 
part in a cable movie called 
Walk on the Wild Side. The Star 
Search victory also brought 
some work: She hosted a Star 
Search show in New York's 
Radio City Music Hall and 
appeared on Entertainment 
Tonight, CNN and a variety of 
talk shows. Now when she talks 
of her career, she talks of proj- 
ects that аге in the air. She may 
do a small part on Miami Vice. 
She has had three call-backs for 
a role in a comedy horror film. 
She might go into a studio soon 
-to cut some tracks. “In this busi- 
ness, you're only as good as the 
last thing you've done. Being a 
Playmate was special. Winning 
Slar Search was special. Now 
Y'm on to other things." We're 
confident they'll be special, too. 


88 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRALDT BRALDS 


PROFESSIONAL 


Ana's elegant beauty 
and ferocious crura 
stunned the soldiers— 
they had never seen 
anything like her 


ШЕШШ +E sicken, lead-colored barrel of 
Wili's rifle protruding over the jeep’s 
front seat seemed covered with tiny, 
silvery wings in the blazing sun. Jorge 
and the dog were sitting in the back. 

The dog was a man shepherd named Ana. 

Jorge put out his hand to touch Ana’s dense 

winter coat, and it felt dry and even hotter than 

the air. Incredible, he thought, that only a few 
days before, he'd still been over there, on the 
other side of the world, training with the dog, 

marching for hours over the broken snow of a 

rock-hard landscape and fording a swift, nearly 

frozen river. 

He tapped Ana’s nose. It was damp and 
cool, but her breath was heavy and warm. He 
took off his cap and wiped his slick brow with 
his arm. On the front of the cap was a small, 
shield-shaped pin that depicted a Germanic 
soldier who didn't look anything like Jorge, 
standing next to a proudly seated dog that very 
much resembled Ana. That pin—if he was 
killed, it would be what they'd send home to 
his mother, unless the enemy reached him first 
and plucked it as a souvenir. He stared at it 
glumly. Then he put his cap on again. 

The jeep was parked in front of the brigade 
headquarters in Wiwili, and they were waiting 
for the driver to come out and take them up to 
Wamblan, where Jorge and the dog were going 
10 be stationed. They had been transferred up 
from Managua the previous day. 

“How was it over there?” asked Wili, who 
was a sublieutenant stationed іп Wamblan 

Did you like Berlin?” (continued on page 94) 


a cy 
SEN YD. ж / N 
: UN d 


WINNING 
SKIN 


sissies, 


tell it to 
dolph 
lundgren 


modern living 


By NANCE MITCHELL 


vous sromac is as washboard tight 
as Dolph Lundgren’s (well, almost), 
and your wardrobe is the best of 
Miami Vice. 105 not that you're so 
vain; you’ve just realized that com- 
petition, whether for love or for 
money, has heated up, and there's 
no reason to ncglect what literally 
stares the prospective amour or boss 
in the face: the skin. Well, skin is 
skin, so the requirements for its care 
are essentially the same whether it's 
male or female. You don't have to 
buy an arsenal of products or waste 
a lot of time fussing. Consistency is 
the byword when it comes to main- 
tenance. The ladies pay attention to 
your skin: Why not provide them 
with a healthier eyeful? 


THE BASIC REGIMEN 


"There are three important steps 
in a daily regimen that takes about 
five minutes twice a day: cleansing, 
toning and moisturizing. That's it. 
Once that becomes second nature, 
you can add exfoliation and masks 
(more about them later). 

Your skin type and habits deter- 
mine your regimen. Take a moment 
to study your skin under strong 
lighting. Do you have any broken 
capillaries around your nose and 
checks? A dermatologist. may be 
able to zap some of them, but what 
arc you doing to cause them in the 
first place? Too many saunas? Too 
much alcohol? Too much exposure 
to extreme cold? Check where the 
lines on your face are forming and 
deepening. What habits (grimaces, 
tics, mannerisms) are ironing these 
into your visage? 

If you're prone to breakouts 
around the jaw line, is it because 
you often prop your head up with 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY VICTOR SKREBNESKI 


your hand at your desk? Are you a 
heavy coffee drinker? Caffeine is 
extremely dehydrating and сап 
cause dry flaky patches. Assess how 
much damage any of your personal 
habits may be causing your looks. 

Finally, try a blot test to pinpoint 
your skin type. Cleanse your face 
thoroughly before going to bed, and 
then, before washing in the morn- 
ing, press a single sheet of white, 
unscented tissue onto your facc. 
Hold it up to the light to see the 
map of oil spots. You can then deter- 
mine whether you need products 
designed for oily, dry or normal 
skin. This test does not permanently 
establish your skin type, however. 
Age and such variables as weather 
can cause it to change from month 
to month. 

Cleansing: Think in terms of 


Opposite poge: Mosked mon Dolph 
Lundgren (Rocky IV ond the upcoming 
Masters of the Universe, a summer-1987 
relecse in which he'll star) gets set to 
make the rest of us green with envy at 
his peerless skin. Why go for pecs, cuts 
ond obliques if what stores the chal- 
lenger in the face sogs? A tightening 
mask every so often removes sallowness 
ond dead skin cells—an anti-aging 
investment—while improving circulation 
and tone. Above: ke is nice, quelling 
redness, swelling ond minor irritation 
with a quick once-over. When it comes 
to skin savvy, saunos, heat, too much 
sun ond even ho! water kick oil- 
producing glonds into high geor ond 
loosen elosticity, giving you bosset- 
hound jowls ond c generol hongdog 
appeoronce that's anything but o howl- 
ing success with the ladies. Let cool- 
er heads —ond temperatures —prevail. 


91 


cleansing rather than scrubbing, 
especially if you have skin problems 
(Abrasives, contrary to what you 
may have heard, һауе a nasty way of 
spreading infection.) Use cool to 
tepid water rather than hot; hot can 
be harmful and docsn't clean any 
better than cool 

Think of your face as starting 
from the clavicle (collarbone) up. 
Don't stop at the jaw line, par- 
ticularly since your ears (and th 
back of your neck) are more exposed 
than most and require 
extra care. 

I recommend cleansing lotions 
rather than soaps, because they 
tend to be less harsh and less likely 
to leave a residue; but many men 
prefer soap. At least select a brand 
that has no detergents or deodor- 
ants and is specifically formulated 
for the face. 

Cleanse in the morning and at 
night. If your skin is very dry, you 
may wish to use your soap or lotion 
only at night and rinse your face 
with tepid water in the morning. 

Toning: Follow cleansing with a 
liquid toner (astringent for problem 
skin, a nonalcohol formula for 
normal-to-dry skin) to remove any 
residue. Don't use rubbing alcohol, 
which is too harsh. Soak a cotton 
ball in toner and use circular 
motions. If you have a beard, a 
clean cotton towel will prevent an 
unsightly lint trail. Avoid the areas 
around the eyes and mouth, since 
they're prone to dryness 

If you work out, leave a bottle of 
toner in your gym bag. Swabbing 
some over your face, chest and neck 
after exercise is a great refresher. 
You don't need cotton—squirt some 
into your hands and splash it on, or 
use the edge of a clean cotton towel. 

Moisturizing: Ever see what hap- 
pens to wet leather left in the sun? 
But if you slather on oil to seal the 
water in, the leather stays soft and 
supple. That's 
work. Water provides the true hy- 
dration, but it must be sealed in by 
an emollient in order to work 

Lighter oils come in bottles, 
sometimes with a pump, and should 
be used if your skin is in the slightly 
oily-to-normal range. (If you have 
very oily skin, skip this step; ask 
your dermatologist for advice.) Men 
with normal-to-dry skin can use a 
pump lotion, with а heavier cream 
for the eye, mouth and neck areas. 

Creams contain heavier oils and 
come in jars; they don't pour. Skin 
in the dry-to-extremely dry range 
would benefit from over-all use of 
these or an occlusive agent such as 


women’s 


how moisturizers 


petroleum jelly (though many men 
find it too greasy for daytime wear). 
Whether you use lotion or cream, 
moisturize after toning, or more 
often if your skin is very dry. 
Exfoliating and using masks: 
Exfoliation is the process of slough- 
ing off the dead skin cells on your 
epidermis in order 10 stimulate the 
growth of fresh new cells. You do it 
naturally on the lower half of your 
face by shaving (a possible rcason 
men don’t wrinkle as readily or 
carly in these areas as women do). 
It’s a powerful weapon in the fight 
against wrinkles, sallowness, yel- 
lowing of the skin and superficial 
blemishes. (If you have problem 
skin, have exfoliation done by a pro- 
fessional cosmetician or derma- 
tologist, (continued on page 163) 


Opposite page: Lundgren exchanges his 
boxing gloves for Ditales of Italy 
rubber-fingered mitts thot mossoge in 
cleonsing lotion before toning and mois- 
turizing. Using them twice doily gives 
опуопе a fighting chance to combat the 
oging effects thot sneok up over time to 
blind-side yov. (Playboy's Guide to Sav- 
ing Face—a rondom sompling of excel- 
lent products, from soops and shaving 
mousses to eye-wrinkle gels—follows 
later in this orticle. It gives you on over- 
view of whot to look for in the men's- 
cosmetics section of your favorite 
store.) Below: Eat your heart out, Rocky. 
This is the mug you tried to pound 
into homburger? Maybe it's time 
you hung up your gloves ond took 
up knitting. With consistency, proper 
skin-care products ond maintenance, 
even the underdog ends up o winner. 


PLAYBOY 


PROFESSIONAL SOLDIER (continued from page 58) 


“Is there much combat around Wamblan?’ he blurted, 
instantly regretting the anxiety in his voice.” 


“You can't imagine such a city,” said 
Jorge enthusiastically, though he'd spent 
‘only one day there, followed by nine at the 
canine-corps training base, which was in a 
frigid rural area near the Polish border. 
What he remembered mostly about Berlin 
were multitudes of pink-faced people and 
pink-gray buildings and the unearthly sen- 
sation of being in a place where all the 
streets were paved. 

“And the snow,” said Jorge, widening 
his eyes. “The snow is beautiful.” 

Wili slowly shook his head and hissed 
“Phissst” through his teeth. “The only 
country they've ever sent me to," he said, 
“із Honduras." 

Jorge smiled. He liked Wili and was 
glad he was going to be one of his officers. 
Wili was the type who made you fecl less 
afraid. Under thick, arched brows, his eyes 
showed an expectant, confiding humor- 
ousness. His face had the shape of cheru- 
bic plumpness, but his deeply browned 
skin looked hard and taut and his chin was 
evenly stubbled. Jorge's face was smooth. 
He was 16 and Wili was five years older. 
Lately, Jorge always felt wide-eyed, and he 
was: He looked as if he even listened with 
his eyes, and as if he were easily enthralled 
by what went by. His ears stuck out like 
damp, overdone potato chips, and he was 
so thin that when he rolled up the sleeves 
of his uniform, it didn't take long for them 
to unravel around his elbows like falling 
socks. 

“That dog,” said Wili, resting his chin 
on his arm and gazing thoughtfully at 
Ana, “is a tank.” 

“Апа isn't used to the heat," said Jorge. 
She was panting and had been shedding 
from the moment they'd landed in Mana- 
gua. Wherever Ana sat or lay down, she 
left it looking like she'd just had a hair- 
cut. 

“А very elegant tank," said Wili. 

Ana's muscular back and barreling ribs 
were black, so that if you looked at her 
from the front, the protruding black flanks 
did resemble a kind of armor-fortified sad- 
dle, a tank dog. Her chest and legs were 
tobacco-brown, and when she sat, her 
front legs resembled long, sinewy human 
arms. 

Ana yawned, emitting a weary whine 
from the back of her throat, and her 
tongue fell out, fat, pink, dripping saliva. 
She panted as if she'd just finished a hard 
run but otherwise did not really seem so 
discomforted by the heat. She sat as erect 
as a stone lion, with her ears as prominent 
as black steeples, and her eyes, black 
pupils in tea-colored coronas, were, as 


usual, alert. Whenever Jorge noticed the 
dog's alertness, it automatically affected 
him like a command; he became alert, too; 
it was a kind of mimicry. He stared in 
whatever direction the dog’s heavy, coni- 
cal, bearish face was pointed, and he 
always saw the same thing: a transparent 
emptiness waiting one step ahead of Ana 
and several steps ahead of himself, waiting 
to be filled in by her perfected canine tal- 
ents. A supposedly infallible sense of smell 
was the dog's main military talent—that 
and endurance. 

“Ts there much combat around Wam- 
blan?" blurted Jorge, instantly regretting 
the anxiety in his voice. 

"Hah," said Wili. “We're four kilome- 
ters from the border, Them and us, we can 
practically hear each other thinking.” 

“Well,” said Jorge, “Ana can smell a 
Contra at least a kilometer away.” 

“Ooof” said Wili. “Ana will be turning 
circles.” 

“But they won't be able to get close,” 
Jorge loyally persisted. “I mean, they 
won't be able to surprise us.” 

“Compa,” said Wili, “if that were true, 
then everybody would have these dogs, 
and instead of war, we'd have thousands of 
sons of whores wandering around unable 
to get within a kilometer of each other. 
The war would look like this"—and he 
pointed both of his index fingers down and 
squiggled many little circles twirling away 
from one another. 

When the soldier who was driving came 
out, he was carrying a rifle with the clip in 
and a belted bullet pouch. He was a 
chubby, light-skinned adolescent in a 
neatly pressed uniform, with cheeks that 
looked like pink sponges oozing water over 
the rest of his face and small, dark eyes 
that went startled as Ana emitted a low 
growl at his approach—which Jorge 
quieted by touching her hard nape. 

“Don’t worry, compa, Ana just doesn’t 
know your smell yet,” said Jorge. 

“There’s been an ambush on the road to 
Wamblan,” said the soldier, glancing dis- 
trustfully back at the dog as he got into the 
jeep. "We've been on the radio. The 
T.P.U.s were coming down in trucks and 
they were ambushed”—the Tropas Pablo 
Ubeda was a special counterinsurgency 
battalion and Wili said it'd been on a two- 
week mission around Wamblan; the sol- 
diers stationed at Wamblan were army 
regulars— "and the ones from Wamblan 
came down right away for the fighting." 

“Puta,” said Wili. 

“Puta,” said Jorge, trying to echo the 
tough-sounding nonchalance of Wili's 


drawled “Whore,” but his came out like a 
whisper. Wili detached one of the clips 
from the harnesslike straps he wore and 
slid it into his rifle. Then he gave the rifle a 
shake. Jorge had a .45 pistol in a hip hol- 
ster, and on missions with Ana, it was the 
only weapon he'd carry. But not having a 
rifle now made him feel suddenly childish 
and dependent. 

The driver, whose name was Severo, 
started the ісер, and soon they were roll- 
ing down a steep, muddy road toward the 
river at the northern edge of Wiwili. The 
river was high and wide, its brownish cur- 
rents gleaming. Women were washing 
laundry on flat rocks near the shore, their 
skirts pulled up and knotted between their 
thighs, and a dark-skinned girl up to her 
waist in the water turned her naked back 
to the jeep and went on soaping her hair 
with her elbows high. Ana was casually 
attentive to the stunted, mustard-colored 
dog chasing the jecp, yelping and snivel- 
ing, as Severo drove along the bank a short 
way before turning into the river where he 
knew the crossing would be shallowest. 
The jeep plowed in like a bull; and Ana 
stared down, seemingly perplexed for 
once, as the floor filled with murky water. 
Jorge could feel the jeep verging on float- 
ing and fighting the currents as if swim- 
ming with animal tenacity. 

“Even through a river like this,” Jorge 
announced excitedly, “Ana can track the 
enemy.” 

On the other side, there were two roads, 
one running along the river and the other 
climbing into the forested terrain—that 
was the one they took, and it just went up 
and up, while the land around it fell away 
with increasing steepness, so that after two 
hours of driving, the road was nothing 
more than the muddy spine of a ridge, 
lined on both sides with the tops of trees 
rising from the forest floor below. For 
Severo, driving was like clawing his way 
to the top. The jeep's wheels collapsed 
through muddy chunks in the road; the 
hood was always tilted at an angle. Occa- 
sionally, the wheels got stuck and they 
spun and shricked as if trying to burn the 
sinking mud into glass and, finally catch- 
ing, leaped forward as if trying to fly. 

Stretches of road were so precariously 
narrow and soft that one careless or un- 
lucky move would have toppled them over 
the side. But sometimes the road evened 
out for a while, and the forest floor ele- 
vated gradually and presented a dark, 
lushly tangled underbrush. They passed 
very few huts or peasants along the way. 
"Тһе forest was like cloud banks, hiding 
everything and nothing but more of itself, 
and Jorge concentrated on it expression- 
lessly, too spooked by the possibility of 
ambush, at first, to pay much attention 
to the conversation and laughter in the 
front, where Wili was passing the time 
by bragging. 

(continued on page 146) 


“Not tonight, baby. I’ve got the blues.” 


95 


miss november 
sells real estate. 
in other ways, she's just 
an old-fashioned girl 


“I was really tempted to put aval. 
ABLE on the sign instead of SOLD,” 
says Donna, referring to the shot at 
right. "Why? Because I’m available.” 
Below, Donna pals with friends at 
UNCG and, far right, trucks with 
Dad, a driver for Dairymen, Inc. 


A to Donna Edmond- 


son—Miss November and newly li- 
censed real-estate agent—the difference 
between a house and a home is simple: 
“The home is what everyone dreams of 
having,” she says, “and the house is what 
everyone dreads buying.” Is that an old 
saying? we ask. “Nah,” laughs Donna. 
“I think I just made it up.” 

Not unlike the dream houses she'll 
soon be selling, everything in this dream 
girl's life is mapped out to blueprint per- 
fection. Born 20 years ago in Greens- 
boro, North Carolina, she has decided to 
stay put. With her brand-new license in 
hand, she considers the quiet Bible Belt 
town she has come to love the perfect 
place to hang her shingle. “I’m a home- 
town girl. I have connections here.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND STEPHEN WAYDA 


“Га never modeled profe 
sionally,” says Donna— 
looking every bit the nal- 
ural. “And suddenly I'm a 
Playmate. I even set a record 

doing my centerfold in 
one day. In the real-estate 
world, that’s a “cold-call 
close’: an on-the-spot sale!” 


оппа considers herself 
religious (“I go to church every 
unday—well, maybe I miss one 
Sunday a month”) but has little use 
for “Falwell types,” who, she s 
“don't scare me. They'll never sui 
ceed in taking our freedom.” In high 
school (where the yearbook staff 
dubbed her MOST LIKELY TOBE A BUNNY), 
she collected scrapbooks full of scho- 
lastic awards, held down a job and 
still found the time to play first base 
on the girls’ softball team. Her inter- 
est in real estate began when her 
father was losing money on time- 
share investments. “So I went to real- 
estate school, took the state exam and 
passed on the first try. Now I can help 
Dad, selling him stuff he can own.” 


10 


n the subject of 
men, Donna admits a certain 
lack of experience: “Men are 
wonderful,” she practically 
whispers, “but I haven't real- 
ly let one close enough to me 
that I can talk about sex the 
way some girls can. Virginity 
isn't something you discuss. 
Pm not ashamed of still hav- 
ing mine, mind you. It's just 
not something I really want 
to talk about—except, of 
course, with the man who 
takes it away from me. I 
thought about that when I 
posed for my  layout— 
imagining the kind of sex I'll 
one day have. 1 don't know 
when or where it will happen. 
But I do know it'll be with 
somebody I know and love. 
And if the time is right. . . ." 
She smiles. “I can't wait to 
find out what he looks like.” 


“Although Гое lost most of my Southern accent,” 
says Donna (who, pictured here, would put even 
Scarlett O'Hara to shame), "I can bring it back and 
lay it on thick. You know, I cay-un talk lak thay. 
That's good in business. 


and the accent, and you've got yourself a deal’ d 


he men at my office are 
looking at me a little differently,” 
laughs Donna, "now that they know 
they're going to see what's under 
these clothes. But I don't mind," she 
adds. "Every woman likes to be 
looked at—not gawked at but looked 
at.” And everybody looks at Donna 
“Even other girls in high school 
would stare at me in the locker room. 
I was called Jugs. And today, when 
Im on the beach, I'm sure people 
think these аге fake—that I had a 
boob job or something. My mom has 

very large breasts, too; Dad wi 
trying to get her to pose for 

he never did, so he su 

gested I try. . ..” And then, with that sui 

ny Southern smile: “And I made it! 


"I didn't go with anybody in 
high school," admits Donna. 
he only time I had a bo: 
friend was when I was four 
He pushed me off the shding 
board and I needed 13 
stitches in my chin. Не 
wasn't my boyfriend after 
that. Still, 1 do love men.” 


PLAYMATE DATA 5НЕЕТ 


une: Nonna Folmendaon 


BUST: 3b WAIST: 23 нірѕ: 35 
HEIGHT: S/O" weisen 127 


DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL EVENING: 3 


LI -. 5 . 
“Дә. ALND لس‎ | 
FAVORITE PLACES: 8 Si 
DIA б. % 


f You 100 mag 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


When corporate layoffs cost him his job as a 
company pilot, the middle-aged aviator applied 
for a job with à major airline, After filling out a 
psychological-evaluation questionnaire, he was 
told to wait until the psychologist could sec him. 
Finally, he was called into his office. “Mr. 
Hall, I would like to clarify one of your 
answers,” the psychologist said. "Alter the ques- 
tion ‘When was the last time you had sex?” you 
answered, 719: Is that correct?” 
“Yes, sir." 
“You haven't had sex since 19552" the psy- 
chologist exclaimed. "Isn't that a bit unusual? 
“Not really, sir,” the applicant replied, glanc- 
ing at his watch. “Ls only 2100 now.” 


You make no effort to satisfy me,” Marilyn com- 
d to her husband after another un- 
stul attempt at love: 
Henry protested. “But it would 
help if you encouraged me. Why don't you tell 
me when you're having an orgasm 
“Because, Henry, you're never there.” 


Dean, 1 need 
pleaded 

“Hell, Coach,” the dean shrugged, “you make 
more money than the entire English department, 
ng you a raise?” 


raise," the college football coach 


the office doo 
ig back. “Son,” 
n over to my office 


coach replied, opening 

n the team's star runni 
coach said to the player, 
and see if Tm there.” 

“Sure, Coach. 

Twenty minutes later, the winded athlete 
retumed. “Хо, sir, Coach,” he panted. "vou 
ain't there.” 

Thanking the pl and sending him back to 
practice, the coach turned to the dean and asked, 
low do you understand?” 

1 sure do," the de greed 
of a bitch could have phoned.” 


"he dumb son 


The elderly spinster explained 10 the young 
attomey drawing up her will that she wanted to 
pend 590,000 on ish l and the 
'emaining $10,000 on a gigolo to appease her 
sexual curiosity 

After discussing his personal finances with h 
wife, the attorney volunteered to be the old 
мова stud for hire 

At the conclusion of his scheduled weekend 
with the woman, the lawyer phoned his wile: 
"Honey, I won't be home until the end of the 
week, She's decided to let the county bury her." 


As her fellow hooker was about to be wheeled 
to the operating room for a heart transplant, 
the concerned woman grabbed the cardiologist 
by his sleeve and asked, “What are her chances 
for 'overv, дос?” 

“Oh, Га say pretty good," the doc 
Alter all she h 
twenty-eight ye: 


What does the president of South Alrica have in 
common with a ballerina with static cling? А 
Tutu he can't control. 


plicd. 


nt rejected an organ in 


А married couple and a single man were ma- 
rooned on an island that contained little vegeta- 
tion save a single enormous palm tree. The men 
took turns climbing the tree to scan the horizon 
for possible rescuers 
After three months of isolation, the single man 
was horny as hell, and although. the woman 
seemed willing to satisfy him, the little 
chance for privacy 

While manning his perch atop the trec one 
, the single man came up with an idea. “Hey, 
you two.” he shouted down. op that fucking!” 
"The married man was bewildered, since he and 
his wife were sitting ten feet apart 

The next day, the married man climbed the 
tree. Alter searching the sea for ships, he directed 
his gaze at the figures directly below him. “Well, 
ГИ be damned.” he muttered. “Tt really does 
look like they're fucking! 


When a novice angel mistakenly took two men 
п before the: mes, God offered to send 
k to earth for two weeks as anything 
they wished. The first wanted to be President 
of the United States. With a snap of God's fin- 
gers, he vanished. The second smiled rakishly 
He wanted to be a stud. With a snap, he, too, 
vanished. 

Two weeks later, God ordered the angel to 
ng back the two men. 

“But how will 1 find them, Lord?” 

“The first should be casy,” God replied. “He's 
in the White House.” 

“What about the second man?" 
That's going to be a little tough," God 
admitted. "He's on a steel-belted radial some- 
where on 1-90 


hi 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 М. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Hl. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


*Don't wait up for те, Poindexter. Miss Wilson here says she's 
looking for twelve inches of the Yukon she bought from the back of a 
cereal box when she was a little girl, and I promised to 
show her at least half of them tonight.” 


109 


= a 


NS: DAVID HOROWITZ 


the new, improved consumer’s friend speaks out on troublesome sex toys, 
diaper alarms and the threat of “natural goodness” 


onsumer advocate David Horowitz’ nine 

Emmys, nationally syndicated show, 
“Fight Back! With David Horowitz,” best- 
selling book, “Fight Back! And Don't Get 
Ripped Off,” and plentiful honors from con- 
sumer, civic and religious groups make him 
ап imposing combatant ın an interview. But 
Contributing Editor David Rensin found 
him unpretentious, though fervent; witty and 
inexhaustible. Said Rensin later, “Гт gomg 
to give him а call before I make any major 
purchases.” 


PLAYBOY: Who gets ripped off the most? 
Horowrrz: Senior citizens. They fall for 
every scam you can possibly think of, be- 
cause their education did not teach them 
basic consumerism. My mother is 82 years 
old, but she’s very aware, because she 
learned on the streets. She still lives in 
New York; she still fights with the grocer 
and the fruit merchant and the butcher. 
When I say fights. I mean she's out there 
asking questi People in their 30s, 40s 
don't ask questions. Kids today are very 
concerned about television commercials: 
They want to know why the pictures on 
the outside of the boxes don't lock like the 
products inside. They ask why we should 
buy these things. There's a whole new 
generation growing up. 


2: 


piaysoy: Can you imagine a world in 
which you wouldn't have a job such as 
yours? 

HOROWITZ: No. When I started, about 15 
усагв ago, management said to me, "Do 
you think you can do this on a regular 
basis without repcating yourself? How can 
you get all these different complaints?" 
And I said, “If you had five people doing 
this and you solicited for mail, you would 
never, ever run ош of ideas." There is an 
endless amount of material that hasn't 
ever been touched. It's like a vast warc- 
house of some unexplored natural re- 
source. As long as people are on this earth, 
there's going to be a new consume: 
problem every day: a product that doesn't 
work, a new kind of scam or a new invest- 
ment scheme. 


3. 


млувоу: Why does American business 
want to rip off the consumer? 

morowrrz: It doesn't. Business is in busi- 
ness to stay in business and not give people 
the business; otherwise, it's out of busi- 
ness. In fact, I think corporate America is 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK HANAUER 


starting to wake up a little bit. Consumer- 
ism is now becoming a priority of major 
corporations. But that has nothing to do 
with hyping to sell a product. Salesmen 
will do anything they possibly can, within 
the legitimate guidelines that are placed 
on them by the Govemment and by their 
own voluntary standards, to make a sale. 


4. 


юмлувоу: What's your gut feeling—was 
Coke forced to bring back the original for- 
mula or was it all planned beforchand? 
нокомтт: As а guy who was brought up 
on the streets of New York, a Bronx 
I'm very suspicious about this whole 
thing. I feel that somewhere in the bowels 
of Madison Avenue, some guys got to- 
gether in a little dark room with a green 
lamp shade, sat around the table and one 
said, “Гуе got a great idea to make Coke a 
word that will be on the lips of everyone in 
the world for months and years and to 
increase our sales and our marketing in a 
way that we never thought possible. We'll 
announce that we're going to change the 
formula. Now, think about that. If people 
love the new taste, they'll go crazy. If peo- 
ple love the original formula, they'll go 
nuts. Then what we'll do is bring back the 
old Coke, which well call something 
like Classic Coke, and we will now have 
more shelf space at the supermarket.” 


5. 


pLavoy: Defend “new and improved." 
HOROWITZ: It’s another one of these Madi- 
son Avenue hype terms that are just jokes. 
And people fall for it. The Federal Govern- 
ment says that in order to label a product 
NEW AND IMPROVED, you can only call it that 
for a limited period of time and that some- 
thing must actually have been done to 
change the product. But if a product is 
new and improved, what was the old 
stuff—crap? What docs new and improved 
mean? Does it mean that they put ina new 
ingredient that's going to get your wash a 
little whiter? Who's going to tell the differ- 
ence? Docs it mean that they put a scent in 
the soap powder that's going to make your 
wash smell a little better? 

We are psyched out by the advertising 
industry. There are surveys in which 
you're actually wired up and they deter- 
mine how a television commercial you're 
watching translates into what you buy at 
the supermarket. We're conditioned more 
than Pavlov's dogs. They can condition 
us to buy anything, to respond to words. 
Organic is one. People buy organic sham- 


poo. They buy organic food. You know 
what the word organic means? Legally, 
absolutely zip. Hypoallergenic is another 
one. | wear more make-up than most 
women, and I happen to be allergic to 
mascara. I'm still trying to find out which 
ingredient I’m allergic to, because even 
though I use hypcallergenic mascara, my 
eyes puff up. So I don't use mascara. I use 
eyebrow pencil—and my eyes still puff 
up 

1 can go with this list forever. Vitamin 
enriched is another. Healthful. And the 
clincher, natural goodness. The only way 
we can reverse this trend is through aware- 
ness and information. That's the kind of. 
advocacy that I'm really behind. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Who does the shopping in your 
family? 

Borowitz: It’s split. Because of time con- 
straints, 1 cannot buy everything for the 
house. My wife has to buy the meat and 
the fish and the poultry and some of the 
fruits and vegetables. But I buy all the 
other stufl—the canned goods, the soap 
powder, all the hardware and stuff like 
that. When I go into a market, the people 
who are shopping there love me. The peo- 
ple who are running the market are suspi- 
cious and scared. They want to know what 
the hell I'm doing there. What I've done 
the past year or so, to make sure that 
our produce is really fresh, is have my own 
garden. 


1. 


eraysov: When уси and your wife fight, 
who wins? 

Horowrrz: We don't win in fights. My wife 
and I have a really nifty relationship in 
terms of getting into disagreements or 
spats. She will tell me exactly how she 
fecls. I will tell her exactly how I feel. This 
could be with raised voices, or it could be 
calmly. We do not throw things at each 
other. We sit down across a table or stand 
up cye to eye and just have it out. At the 
end of that minute and a half or two min- 
utes or three minutes, it's over. And we 
walk away from it 


8. 


PLAYBOY: What do you know about yourself 
that the rest of us still have to find out? 

HOROWITZ: That's a tough one to answer. 
People think I'm а suit-and-tie man. I like 
to dress like that, but the real me is torn 
jeans and a T-shirt and sneakers with 
no socks, or (continued on page 156) 


n 


they work. they raise families. (hey 
shop. they also rent x-rated videos. 
why is it any of ed meese's business? 


ORDINARY 


PEOPLE 


By Susan Squire 


Even before Attorney General Edwin 
Meese's famous porn commission had pub- 
lished a single word, Meese warned that por- 
nography was “available at home to anyone, 
regardless of age, at the mere touch of a but- 
ton.” He added, “We are dealing with a gen- 
eral tendency that is pervading our entire 
culture, including the culture known to very 
young children.” His commission has since 
reinforced his early prejudices about the 
availability of erotic material. Still, despite 
all the rhetoric, we're а country of individu- 
als. The best recent example of that was the 
Maine referendum in which voters defeated 
by a margin of 72 percent to 28 percent a 
proposition that would make selling or pro- 
moting obscene material a criminal offense. 
We wanted to get behind the politics and prej- 
udice and find out what is really going on in 
the privacy of American homes. According to 
Lester Baker, president of the Adult Film 
Association of America, 65,000,000 Ameri- 
cans rented or purchased X-rated video cas- 
settes in 1984. Given that figure, we decided 
to focus our inquiry into the home use of 
X-rated movies not on fast-lane New York or 
L.A. but on the Midwest, where God-fearing, 
hard-working average citizens presumably 
reside and go quietly about their business. Are 
these “normal” Middle Americans responsi- 
ble, sane viewers, or do they tura into violent 
werewolves at the touch of the VCR button, as 
Meese and company would have us believe? 

We picked Bellwood, just outside Chicago, 
found the town’s full-service video store and 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN ALFRED DORN Ili 


113 


PLAYBOY 


14 


kung out there one weekend to see for our- 
selves just what the VCR-equipped house- 
holds of America were screening—and why. 


A HARD RAIN is making a mud ditch of 
Mannheim Road, the main drag of the 
middle-class, ethnically mixed Chicago 
suburb known as Bellwood. And it’s seven 
o'clock on a Friday night, the end of 
another long week for Bellwood’s industri- 
ous citizens—all in all, a night to stay in. 
But Claudia Degan, a 38-year-old house- 
wife, and her husband, Robert, 39, a fac- 
tory supervisor, are negotiating their 1985 
Buick down flooded Mannheim to Preci- 
sion Video & Audio. (We have changed 
names and identifying details, with the 
exception of these of Precision Video's 
owners.) There’s one more errand before 
settling in for the night. They’re about to 
rent their first X-rated movie. 

Now they're standing in front of a glass 
case of video tapes, the most secluded of 
three rows of cases separated by aisles. As 
they study the titles on the cassette boxes 
displayed behind the glass, Claudia is gig- 
gling and Robert is grinning as wide as a 
man can grin without giggling himself. 

“My son’s gone off to Baltimore to visit 
his wife's parents,” explains Robert, "and 
he said we could borrow his VCR for the 
weckend. When he dropped it off, I was 
lying on the couch, watching Knight Rider. 
T'd come home from work feeling a little 
sick, like I was getting a cold. But then 
Claudia said, “1275 go rent a real sexy 
movie.” I felt fine after that.” As soon as 
their son pulled out of their driveway, they 
were off to Precision. They don't have 
much time; in a reverse of Tom Cruise’s 
situation in Risky Business, they've got to 
be done with the “watching and what- 
ever” before their teenaged daughter gets 
home from a party. 

“We're going to rent two movies, a scary 
one for her and a dirty one for us, and we'll 
hide ours when she gets home and tell her 
we rented only one,” says Claudia. “We 
don’t really need any movie for good sex. 
We've been married 21 years and we've 
raised three children and we still like to do 
it a lot. But I want to try one of these mov- 
ies. Maybe it will be exciting.” 

Claudia's searching the display cases for 
The Little French Maid: “My friend 
told me about it. She said it had some cute 
guys.” But they can't find the film, and the 
store has no listing of it. Eager to get 
home—it’s already 7:30—they ask Dan, a 
salesperson, to recommend something. He 
gives them Sex World (“It's good for begin- 
ners," he says). The couple pay in cash for 
the rental and promise to report their re- 
actions the next day, when they return the 
tapes. “Unless we're still in bed,” Claudia 
says, ogling her husband. 
ight em.: Maureen Schuyler, 26, a styl- 
ish woman who works as a medical secre- 
tary, asks Sid, one of Precision's owners, to 
recommend a porn movie. She and her 


husband, Ralph, 27, a foreman at a steel 
company, аге having friends over. 
Maureen and Ralph have been renting 
X-rated films once a week, whether for 
company or for themselves, ever since 
Ralph suggested it “out of curiosity” a 
couple of years ago, when they purchased 
their VCR. “Before that, we'd watch The 
Playboy Channel,” Maureen explains. “It 
doesn't sound nice to say we see them just 
for the purpose of scx, but that’s what 
they're for when we're alone. We've been 
marricd nine years, and after a while, you 
need a little inspiration.” 

Later, Ralph tells me that he selected 
the first film out of a catalog when he rec- 
ognized the names of actors he'd read 
about in men's magazines. “I usually 
decide when we'll watch one,” he says, 
“but sometimes Maureen will push for it. 
That’s a turn-on for me—that she’s the 
one who suggests it." Ralph says the films 
have been “occasionally boring but pretty 
educational. I've learned about technique, 
and it’s given me ideas about what women 
might like. We'll be watching some scene 
and ГЇЇ say to Maureen, “Is that some- 
thing you want me to do? and if she says 
yes, we'll try it.” 

When they have a tape and they're пог 
having friends over, Maureen and Ralph 
wait until their two small children are 
asleep, then Maureen. will put on some 
"nice lingerie" and they'll head down to 
the basement family room, where the 
VCR is set up in front of the sofa. They'll 
“create an environment—light some сап- 
dles, have a glass of wine," says Maurcen, 
and settle in on the sofa to watch. They 
fast-forward until they get to a good scene, 
and "soon," she says, “we start to make 
love right there on the couch. We never 
bother to go up to the bedroom.” 

Maurcen leaves the store with two films: 
something for the kids and Lustfully Seek- 
ing Susan for the grownups. 

. 


The sale and rental of X-rated movies is 
a small fraction of Precision Video's busi- 
ness. The 20,000-square-foot store stocks 
all manner of electronic entertainment. 
equipment and accessories, from the basic 
to the wholly high-tech. Despite the vast- 
ness of selection and space, Precision has 
the feel of a friendly neighborhood hang- 
out. On weekends, babies in Snuglies sleep 
in strollers and teenagers check ош 
albums as well as one another while their 
parents ponder major purchases. On Sat- 
urdays, Sundays and holidays, a Precision 
employce keeps an old-fashioned popcorn 
wagon spewing fragrant kernels at the 
store's entrance, then scoops them into 
paper bags and gives them out to custom- 
ers. Huge framed posters of Rambo and 
Indiana Jones hang overhead as you walk 
through the door; Springsteen croons My 
Hometown from the CD player on display 
at the front counter. 

Sid Radomski is in charge of video tapes 


and accessories; the equipment is her hus- 
band, George’s, territory. She is careful to 
keep the adult movies at a discreet physi- 
cal and emotional distance from the over- 
all GP ambience of the store. She even 
flicks off a tape of Trading Places playing 
on the VCR near one of the front cash reg- 
isters when Jamie Lee Curtis looks as if 
she’s about to take off her shirt and flicks 
the monitor back on only when the poten- 
tially offensive scene is over. “You don’t 
want to make people upset with you, so I 
keep the X films in a separate aisle that 
doesn't face anything. People shouldn't 
just stumble upon dirty pictures while 
shopping for a stereo with their kids.” She 
hasn't always been so discreet: In 1980, at 
another location, the adult films were 
housed on two open shelves in front of the 
store. A female customer objected to their 
prominent placement and complained to 
the police, who confiscated $40,000 worth 
of merchandise. Although Precision won 
back the merchandise in court, it’s not ап 
experience Sid cares to go through again. 

Sid, the mother of three sons, is a hefty, 
hustling 39-year-old blonde who works in 
the store seven days a week. She deals cau- 
tiously but jovially with customers in the 
selection of X-rated films. “People come to 
us for recommendations, and if they're 
new to porn movies, we have to win their 
trust and confidence. These people are 
conservative. You don't want to give them 
something they can't handle, or they'll 
never come back. So the first time. you 
give them something with lots of variety 
but nothing specialized or kinky, and then, 
when they come in to return it, you ask 
them questions to find out what they liked 
or didn't like, which gives you guidelines 
for what to try out on them next. Whether 
they're single or married, male or female, 
most of them want straight sex, no ani- 
mals, no violence, nothing like that. They 
may know the names of stars they like, 
which helps with the selection, but 
no one remembers titles; people say, 
‘What have you got in Marilyn Cham- 
bers? The women are more knowledge- 
able than the men and tend to be morc 
specific about what they want.” 

The staff scan tapes with which they're 
not familiar on fast forward to check con- 
tent so that a customer looking for “regu- 
lar" stuff doesn't unwittingly wind up with 
hard-core S/M or worse. “We never 
recommend weirdo stuff unless someone 
specifically asks for that or we know the 
customer well,” Sid says. 


. 
Saturday morning, 9:30: Stan Woodie, 
the affable 37-year-old cabby who's driv- 
ing me to Precision, wears a baseball cap 
and says “АШ righty” a lot. Divorced a 
vear ago, he “dates around,” especially on 
Saturday and Sunday nights, because he 
can get to work late on Sunday and Mon- 
day mornings. He rents at least one porn 
(continued on page 159) 


"Im sure you want little Jimmy to have a complete set of ‘Muscular 
Heroes of the Cosmos,’ now, don't you, Mr. Bennett?” 


ns 


Іт 


STEVE GUTTENBERG, 
GET SERIOUS! 


(BUT NOT TOO SERIOUS) 


european avant-garde attire gets the old steve h 


Left: Although Guttenberg's new movie is a serious whodunit, this European-inspired fash- 
ion look is no mystery. He's dressing down his wool houndstooth double-breosted suit, by 
Bill Koisermon, about $700, by combining it with а cashmere crew-neck, by Malo, New 
York, $350; а lambskin plongé-leather double-breasted mid-thigh-length jacket that 
reverses to cashmere, by Hubert Aimetti, obout $1300; ond (hidden behind his hand) a silk 
twill scarf, by Hermes, $130. Above: At $5600, Guttenberg's suede zip-front blouson ski 
jacket is clothing as art rather than functional; it's worn with o matching wool/polyester/ 
alpaca crew-neck, about $400, and scarf, about $100, plus a pair of wool/polyester/ 
elpoca pull-on pants, about $350, all by Claude Montana; leather athletic shoes, by 


Reebok, $54.95; and cotton slouch socks, by Playboy Hosiery by Gilbert, about $6. 


fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


ALL MEN'S CLOTHING is not created equal. 
But a few European designers have in- 
spired a mode of dressing that tries to 
contradict that statement. They're taking 
the best elements of tailoredwear, such as 
a classic wool overcoat, and dressing them 
down by adding, say, a red hooded sweat 
shirt to achieve a whole new look of ele- 
gant casualness. It's a look that's modified, 
so to speak; to convey what this trend is all 
about, we felt that we needed an actor іп 
the process of modifying his screen image. 
We thought of Steve Guttenberg, because 
after his comic performances in films such 
as Diner, Cocoon, Police Academy and, most 
recently, Short Circuit, he's hoping people 
will take him seriously in his new movie, 
The Bedroom Window, a mystery co- 
starring Isabelle Huppert and Elizabeth 
McGovern. If Guttenberg was working on 
modifying his screen image, he'd look 
good in modified clothes. So we called him 
and said, “Steve, we'd like you to model 
for a fashion feature on mixed dressing.” 
He said, “I don't go that way, guys." We 
said, “Not cross dressing, Steve, mixed 
dressing. Get serious! But not £00 serious.” 
And that's exactly what he did. But, then, 
having a chance to rub face with Isabelle 
Huppert would make any man serious. 


17 


118 


Above: Remember the Forties films in which o boxer would work out in hooded 


sweats and then cover them with a classy overcoat? That’s what is shown here—the un- 
expected combination of on elegant Italian wool single-breasted overcoot with a peaked- 
lapel collar ond raglan sleeves, by Giorgio Armani Couture, $785; an acrylic/cotton sweat 
shirt, by The Gap, $19; ond a cotton/royon chevron-patterned scarf, by Ron 
Splude, obout $25. Guttenberg liked the look so much, he was fit to be tied. Right: Gut- 
tenberg tips his comic chapeau to o serious wool plaid three-button sports coat feoturing 
an elastic waist, about $675, that's been dressed up by combining it with a white-cotton fit- 
ted dress shirt, about $330, and a multicolor striped square-bottom tie, $52, plus a pair 


of groy-wool stretch slacks with tapered legs, about $350, all by Jean-Poul Gaultier. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATTHEW ROLSTON 


PLAYBOY 


after these rocks like the lizards that live in 
them. 

It always feels good coming into Camp 
Four, listening to climbing babble in four 
ог five languages, with wood smoke in the 
air, big, fat blue jays begging around from 
table to table, haul bags and coolers hang- 
ing from the trees out of the bears’ way. 
And last year, when I walked in, there was 
a particular site not far from the entrance 
that struck me as the perfect signal that I 
was back among my favorites of all ath- 
letes. The tent was Army-green nylon, and 
on the ground in front of it was a weath- 
ered chaise that would have hung your 
butt in the dirt had you sat in it, would 
have given you a perfect view up the mag- 
nificent face of Cathedral Rock across the 
valley, an all-day climb if you're a great 
climber—no climb at all otherwise. And 
next to the blown-out lounger, jammed 
into the ground at a particularly goofy 
angle, was a dusty-pink lawn flamingo. I 
never did meet the owner of that tent, but 
I didn't have to. Camp Four in spring is 
always full of the spirit that planted that 
bird—a lunacy so deep that there is noth- 
ing crazy about it. 

Doug Robinson and I went into the val- 
ley on an early evening near the end of 
May, and at the first curve in the road that 
let onto a big-rock panorama, we stopped 
just to look. Robinson was badly smitten 
with the love of rocks a long time ago, and 
for him and all rock-climbers I know, it’s a 
passion that starts before and goes beyond 
just the climbing of them. I think it's 
mostly unconscious, and it draws them 
first to admire the line of the stone, then its 
feel in their hands and under their feet, 
and even its smell and taste as they hunch, 
crawl, hang and pull themselves along. 
Whether the rock is 2000 feet high or 20 
makes no difference to the essence of these 
feclings, really. The moves you have to 
make to overcome the puzzle of апу 
particular rock are the same at any height. 
Only a fall puts the difference in the 
bargain—or the thought of a fall. 

That evening, as we sat on a roadside 
stone wall, the Merced River was 100 feet 
below us, and south down the valley was 
100,000,000 years of its stunning work and 
the work of the glaciers that followed its 
trough: El Capitan, 3000 fect of stonc 
shoulder, Cathedral Rock, flanked by its 
sharp spires; Sentinel, the ragged tooth; 
and behind them all, at the head of the 
valley, Half Dome, out there looking more 
like a thunderhead than a mountain in the 
pink light. 

Robinson has been in the valley to climb 
just about every summer for the past 20, 
enough time to have seen some of these 
monsters change. He pointed to a ramp of 
rubble and scree that reached down to the 
river from halfway up 2 great hump called 
Elephant Rock. 

"Chuck Pratt first climbed that around 
1960, before that slide, a route that will 


never be repeated," he said. 

These rocks are alive. 

Then, because we wanted to be on ıhe 
rock that day, if only for a short climb, we 
raced the sunset to Glacier Point Apron 
and scrambled up an easy little route on 
Monday Morning Slab. Last light caught 
us about 150 feet up, so we sat and 
watched the campfires get vivid below the 
trees on the valley floor. Royal Arches was 
smack across from us, and we eyeballed 
the route we'd taken up its wide face sev- 
eral years before. We tried to guess from 
what point, two days earlier, a young 
climber had fallen to his death. We had 
only the sketchiest story: big guy, no 
ropes, no hardware, found dead at the 
base in the early morning. 

Sounded like a free-solo death, Robin- 
son thought. Free-soloing is a relatively 
new phenomenon in climbing, and it's just 
what it sounds like: a trip alone, with no 
rope or other safety gear, hand and foot up 
the rock, just like the first tree you ever 
climbed. Except that a certain few climb- 
ers are by now doing some of the longest, 
damnedest climbs in Yosemite by this style 
in which a single failure of rock, muscle, 
nerve or savvy means a death fall. It is the 
new outer zone of rock-climbing, and over 
the past couple of years, a 28-year-old 
named John Bachar has emerged as its 
premier character. 

“Bachar сап do it,” Robinson said, “be- 
cause of his intense shape and his nearly 
perfect sense of his limits. He got a lot оГ 
press a couple of summers ago, and there 
are a bunch of climbers out here now 
reaching for the dangerous edge he treads. 
Unfortunately, in climbing, judgment 
develops more slowly than physical skill." 

We rappelled from our little catbird seat 
down a near vertical in the dark. I was ex- 
cited at the prospect of a week on these 
famous rocks and a little apprehensive, 
too. Although I love this sport, I am still 
beginner enough that at least once every 
climb, I get scared. Sometimes badly. 
Sometimes worse than that. Backing off 
Monday Morning Slab without light 
enough to sce the ground and barely enough 
to see my feet was the moment that night. 

. 

The history of climbing in Yosemite, 
from its first hemp-rope ascents through 
the big-wall assaults of the Sixties to the 
hairy free solos of the Eighties, reads like а 
goddamn soap opera. The most famous of 
its episodes came in 1970, when Warren 
Harding and Dean Caldwell made the first. 
continuous ascent of El Capitan. They 
were 27 days on what they called The Wall 
of the Early Morning Light, and in order 
to cress its long blank sections, they drilled 
hundreds of bolts into the rock. It was an 
astonishing climb—the last and most diffi- 
cult of the great walls to be done without 
retreat, the kind of feat you might expect 
to go into the books without criticism ог 
quibble. 


But nothing ever goes into the annals of 
climbing without some bitching from 
somewhere, because among climbers, it is 
never simply a matter of what summit 
you've reached but of how you reached it. 
Did you lay siege to the rock or take it in 
one nonstop alpine stroke? Did you haul 
yourself up by rope and piton or go by 
hand and foot only? Did you follow the 
natural curve of things or engineer a forced 
line to the top? 

When Harding and Caldwell stepped 
over the rim of El Cap, the grumbling was 
most intense from Royal Robbins, the first 
man up Half Dome, sometimes called the 
finest dimber of them all— passionate, 
competitive, a friend of theirs. Robbins 
didn’t like all the iron they'd pounded into 
the rock. In fact, “El Capitan had been 
raped," he said, and he was afraid the 
example was going to "encourage further 
heartless rapes, instead of taking the rock 
with love." So, two months later, һе and 
Don Luria began а second ascent of (һе 
same route, and as they climbed, they 
chopped Harding's bolts out of the rock, a 
rough equivalent of going after Huckleberry 
Finn with a blue pencil. Not far up, how- 
ever, Robbins had a change of heart. The 
route, despite the bolts, was too beauti- 
fully difficult to erase, so he and Luria 
stopped chopping and, in six days, fin- 
ished the climb as Harding had authored 
it. 

When Harding heard what they'd done, 
he laughed, called Robbins an alpine 
Elmer Gantry, said the only reason to 
climb was for fun and that once you were 
on the rock, you were free to get up it any 
goddamn way you wanted to. 

By now, time and technology have 
turned Yosemite climbing away from the 
use of hammer and bolts to gentler, more 
aesthetic methods of protection, and when 
Robinson and I laid our gear at the base of 
Manure Pile Buttress that first evening, it 
included nothing that would leave our 
trace on the rocks. Instead, we carried alu- 
minum chocks, stoppers and nuts (hard- 
ware that we could wedge into the cracks) 
and nylon slings to loop over nubbins and 
then take up after us. It’s called clean 
climbing, and this rock—with its long 
cracks, its ledges and its less-than-vertical 
faces—is perfectly suited to it. 

Manure Pile is about 600 feet high, and 
there are seven guidebook routes on it that 
run in difficulty from 5.6 to 5.9 on the 
Yosemite Decimal Scale, a variable meas- 
ure that climbers share and argue over in 
ап attempt to describe how hard a climb is 
in something like objective terms. The 
problem, of course, is that there’s nothing 
objective about climbing. Everything de- 
pends on the animal and the spirit that's 
in jeopardy, and with that in mind, here's 
my translation of these numbers. 

* 5.1 to 5.6: Careful crawling over rocks 

(continued on page 174) 


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“I don't understand. . . . All it did when I sat in it was moan.” 


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article 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


WHITHER EROTICA? 
FOR MOVIEMAKERS, 
ІТ HAS BEEN A YEAR OF 
DECIDEDLY MIXED SIGNALS 


CREEN MOGULS, who 
pride themselves on being able to spot 
trends, must be having nightmares try- 
ing to figure out what's been going Оп 
in America's popcorn palaces this year. 
In an increasingly prudish social and 
political climate suggesting to some the 
dawn of a new ice age, has sex—once 
prized as an audience lure—actually 
become box-office poison? The answer, 
seemingly, is yes—and no. On the one 
hand, 9/2 Weeks—by any standard, one 
of the most unabashedly erotic movies 
of 1986—met with a tepid response 
from the filmgoing public. Blasted by 
the majority of critics, Adrian (Flash- 
dance) Lyne's stylish but decidedly 
skin-decp version of an autobiographi- 
cal novel by Elizabeth McNeill (рі.лүвоу 
published an excerpt in April 1978) co- 
starred Kim Basinger and Mickey 
Rourke as a couple edging into the sa- 
domasochistic games people play. Con- 
troversial from the start, Lyne's film 
was dumped by one uneasy distributor, 
was cut and recut, debated and de- 
layed. What finally came out under 
MGM's label ultimately became as cele- 
brated for the sizzling footage taken out 
as it was for the hot stuff left in. 
Audiences could only guess at what 
was missing that gave the European 
release greater box-office clout. In 
Italy alone, 9/2 Weeks racked up record- 
breaking grosses with little added 
beyond (text continued on page 132) 


SIMMERED DOWN: Elizabeth 
McNeill's autobiographical novel 972 
Weeks, excerpted in rıaysor іп 1978, 
is a steamy tale of sadomasochistic 
Obsession that was previously considered 
by many to be unfilmable. Adrian Lyne's 
screen version leaves out the rawest 
parts but, as demonstrated by Kim Bas- 
inger and Mickey Rourke in these film 
scenes, does retain plenty of eroticism. 


A Je; ai 


PLAYBOY 


two key scenes that seemed nastier, but 
not much naughtier, than the rest. In one, 
Rourke forces Basinger to crawl across the 
floor, picking up paper money. In the 
other, he challenges her to a possibly 
deadly game of pill swallowing. The U.S. 
version, after pruning, shaped up as a 
fairly elementary course in bondage. with 
some stunning compensations: Basinger in 
a striptease sequence to make your tail 
bone tingle; the cooled-out love scene 
when Rourke caresses her torso with an ice 
cube; Kim blindfolded while Mickey pops 
gooey delicacies between those gorgeous 
lips; etc. АШ with merely minimal nudity, 
understand. This is а swank Yuppie fan- 
tasy, not a skin flick, and will probably 
achieve its greatest success as a video- 
cassette classic for horny homebodies. Or 
semihorny homebodies; MGM/UA Home 
Video's cassette attempts to walk the 
line between the U.S. and international гс- 
lease prints by including some, but not 
all, of the controversial footage. 

As if to contradict the sex-doesn’t- 
sell pundits, along came About Last 
Night . . . , full of nudity and bedroom 
action, which found an eager audience 
as well as a slew of favorable reviews. This 
engaging, trendy hit about Chicago's 
semiswinging singles, freely adapted from. 
David Mamet's one-act play Sexual Per- 
versity in Chicago, shows and tells plenty. 
As a couple who meet for а one-night 
stand but end up living together, Demi 
Moore and Rob Lowe manage to climb 
out of their clothes often enough—in bed, 
in the shower or in the kitchen, while 
prowling around naked for a midnight 
snack. Gingerly photographed, to be sure, 
with plenty of fast cuts from the now- 
you-see-it-no-you-don't school of editing. 
Otherwise, little was omitted from Last 
Night en route to the big screen except the 
sex in its original title—and that turned 
into a real problem. Warned by exhibitors 
and admen that a movie called anything 
like Sexual Perversity would be refused 
advertising space in some cities, Tri-Star 
Pictures quickly succumbed to pressure 
and ditched Mamet's title. In the film in- 
dustry, unadvertisable and untouchable 
are roughly synonymous. 

Two more of the year's top grossers, 
Sydney Pollack's Oscar-winning Out of 
Africa and Steven Spielberg’s The Color 
Purple, both late-1985 releases, were front 
runners at the box office, but both 
depicted the flaming passions of the origi- 
nal material on which they were based at à 
temperature well below lukewarm. Africa 
starred Meryl Streep as the fiercely uncon- 
ventional Danish author lsak Dinesen 
(nom de plume for Karen Blixen). Justly 
acclaimed as опе of moviedom's great 
actresses, Streep has become almost as 
famous for playing love scenes fully 
clothed. Small wonder that Africa's smol- 
dering romantic highlight is the moment, 
out in the untamed wilderness, when Rob- 


ert Redford, playing Blixen’s dashing real- 
life lover, washes Meryl’s hair. Wow. 
(Streep fans did see a bit—but not 
much—more of her in 1986’s Heartburn, 
in which she’s bedded and betrayed by 
Jack Nicholson.) Spielberg was even more 
restrained in filming his pretty but pallid 
Color Purple, based on the best-selling 
novel by Alice Walker. A central motif of 
the book is an explicit lesbian love affair 
between the heroine, Celie (Whoopi Gold- 
berg in the film), and a liberated blues 
singer named Shug (Margaret Avery). 
Moviegoers unfamiliar with Walker's 
uninhibited original might never suspect 
that Celie and Shug actually go to bed 
together. After allowing them a sisterly 
kiss, Spielberg shows us a set of wind 
chimes all atinkle to symbolize what hap- 
pens between two lusty women in love. 

Тһе way of all flesh, for an increasing 
number of American moviemakers, seems 
to follow a direct line from the shooting 
script to the cutting-room floor. This 
creeping self-consciousness prompted pub- 
lic comment from Kathleen Turner, an 
outspoken actress who warmed up Body 
Heat and Crimes of Passion before her tor- 
rid teamwork with Jack Nicholson in Priz- 
zi's Honor. Last spring, Turner let off some 
additional steam to a London newspaper 
interviewer: "America is so puritanical 
and hypocritical it seems that any- 
thing to do with sex is taboo. Should I pre- 
tend I am scandalized about playing a 
prostitute or pretend that 224,000,000 
Americans don't have orgasms? Good sex 
belongs in the cinema just as much as a 
good gag." 

We say hurrah for Turner; but mean- 
while, the scissors snip on—their prime 
target, the nude scene. Many were shot 
but few chosen for The Men's Club, a dead- 
serious but disappointing fall release star- 
ring Roy Scheider, Treat Williams, Frank 
Langella and Harvey Keitel as a bunch of 
macho buddies who meet for a session of 
male bonding and wind up in a brothel. 
"The editorial ax also befell a scene in Fire 
with Fire, co-starring Virginia Madsen and 
Craig Sheffer. She's a Catholic schoolgirl, 
he’s an inmate from a nearby detention 
camp for wayward boys; and their climac- 
tic assignation in a graveyard crypt report- 
edly revealed more graphic glimpses of 
lost innocence than preview audiences 
cared to see. With or without skin, the 
entire movie turned out to be expendable. 
Ditto Hell Camp, a survivalist epic featur- 
ing Tom Skerritt, Lisa Eichhorn and so 
much gratuitous nudity and violence that 
the distributors have apparently shelved it 
as a file-and-forget fiasco. 

In one strikingly frank sequence in 8 
Million Ways to Die, a nude Alexandra 
Paul, as а doomed hooker, entices Jeff 
Bridges by purring seductively, “I want to 
show you something . . . the streetlight 

(continued on page 137) 


THE PLAYBOY GALLERY 


This month’s rendition of Batgirl is by the 
late Alberto Vargas, whose work spanned 
and chronicled six decades of American 
history. Born in 1896 in Arequipa, Peru, 
Vargas emigrated to New York in 1916 
and three years later began to make a 
name for himself painting lush, lifelike 
water-color and airbrush portraits of girls 
in the Ziegfeld Follies. In 1932, when Hol- 
lywood had become America’s dream- 
land, Vargas moved there and worked for 
motion-picture studios, painting pro- 
motional posters and portraits of movie 
stars, including Alice Faye, Marlene 
Dietrich and even Shirley Temple. His 
fame in Hollywood caught the notice of 
the editors of Esquire and, in 1939, he 
signed a multiyear contract with that 
magazine to paint monthly pinup girls, 
the forerunners of the latter-day gatefold 
girls. His exposure in Esquire (which tem- 
porarily renamed him Varga) brought 
Vargas national attention; and soon his 
girls, with their classic combination of sen- 
suousness and innocence, were repro- 
duced on calendars and playing cards 
and in advertisements for swimsuits and 
cosmetics. In 1959, having departed 
Esquire when he was refused a raise in 
salary, Vargas was enlisted by Hugh 
Hefner (who, six years before, had quit 
his job at Esquire for the some reason) to 
contribute his extraordinary talents to 
ruarsor. That association continued until 
the late Seventies. For the first time since 
his death, Vargas’ original works have 
been offered for sale to the public, and 
the response of the art world has been 
overwhelming. A Vargas retrospective 
exhibit in 1985 garnered international 
reviews, and an exhibit lost summer at 
the San Francisco Art Exchonge attracted 
collectors from around the world. Two of 
his paintings sold for a total of $550,000, 
а sum beyond the reach of most of us; all 
the more reason for raysor to share its col- 
lection of Vargas originals with you, our 
readers. We'll be publishing more in the 
future, so be on the lookout for them. The 
lady on the flip side is precisely the kind of 
woman Vargas would have painted if 
he'd known her. She's Paulina Porizkova, 
one of the world's most popular and 
highly recognized fashion models. Pau- 
lina, who often appears under her first 
name alone, has been photographed by 
such star lensmen а Richard Avedon, 
Francesco Scavullo and, in this particular 
shot, E. J. Camp. She hos graced the cover 
of nearly every fashion magazine, includ- 
ing Vogue and Harper's Baraar, and was 
the star of the 1984 and 1985 swimsuit 
issues of Sports Illustrated. You may also 
remember her as the focal point of the 
Cars' angst in the video of their 1984 pop 
hit Drive, directed by Timothy Hutton. 


THE PLAYBOY GALLERY 


SEX IN CINEMA (continued from page 152 


“The director has a sure-fire formula for hits: Defy 
authority, destroy properly, take people's clothes off.” 


makes my pussy hair glow in the dark 
cotton ndy.” Yet this tough-minded 
melodrama about an alcoholic ex-cop 
volved with dope, whores and homicide 
is said by insiders to have been consid 
bly cleaned up for mass consumption. Sex 
was eradicated im toto from On the Edge, 
h Bruce Dern as a veteran i D 
runner bidding for a comeback in a big 
race. This time, healthy exercise outpaced 
ca so thoroughly that director Rob 
Nilsson cut every trace of a romantic sub- 
plot between Dern and Pam Grier, and 
Pam's role went with it. Even Exiremilies, 
starring Farrah Fawcett as а vengeful 
woman who subdues a vicious would-be 
rapist (James Russo), is so discreet that 
the camera politely looks away when he 
orders her to undre 
A handful of high comedies have man- 
aged 10 combine pillow talk with fair- 
ly candid photography. Most lavishly 
sed of the lot is А Room with а View, 


fornia 


cro 


prai 
director James Ivory's Edwardian period 
piece adapted from the novel by E. М. 
Forster. Maggie Smith heads the finc 
English company as a maiden lady сһар- 
eroning her cousin (Helena Bonham Car- 
ter) on a trip to Ішу, where the girl is 
ely seized and kissed in a sunlit 
n meadow by a handsome, passion- 
ate young swain (Ju ands). The 
veddy British suppression of basic biologi- 
cal urges, at least in polite society, is 
played like chamber music when Room 
wilh a View moves back to the stately 
homes of England, Momentarily shedding 
s elegance, Ivory’s masterly comedy of 
nners features an exuberant bit of male 
ity—when the hero, the vicar and the 
e's younger brother, all skinny- 
dipping and romping around a country 
pond, bump into a trio of proper Edwardi- 
s out for a stroll 

Nick Nolte, briefly showing his backside 
beside the swimming pool in Down and 
Out in Beverly Hills, provides further evi- 
dence that the film flashers of 1986 apt 
to be masculine. Director Paul Mazursky's 
recycling of a French comedy, another 
blockbuster hit, offers Nolte, buns and all, 
is а derelict who is taken in by an affluent 
California houscholder (Richard Drey- 
fuss) and becomes a kind of sex therapist 
for the entire family. He seduces his benc- 
factors wife (Bette Midler), their daughter 
nd the Hispanic maid, who had pre 
ously been her employer's private sto 
As a Beverly Hills matron rediscovering 
orgasm while pretending to learn relaxa- 
tion exercises, Midler gives her all and 
has plenty left over. In Ruthless People, a 


an 


an 


i- 


ruder and raunchier slapstick farce 
directed by the waggish trio responsible 
for Airplane!, Midler stars once more, as а 
kidnaped heiress whose husband (Danny 
DeVito) won't pay her ransom, Here, only 
the language is explicit, except for a 
lovers'-lane bit featuring a play-for-pay 
hussy with heaving bosoms. A video tape 
of her heaving them at a client in a parked 
car becomes a tool for blackmail, helping 
thicken a plot that shrewdly capitalizes on 
midsummer madness 

In Wildcats, with Goldie Hawn playing a 
female football coach at a Chi 
school, the team jocks take it all off — 
helmets carcfully placed over crotches—in 
a deliberate attempt to shake their new 
boss's composure. Do you doubt for a 
moment that Goldic gets them back into 
those jockstraps, thence onward and 
upward to win the all-city championship? 
While Paula Kelly strips down to her gli 
tery С string in Richard Pryor's autobio- 
graphical Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling, 
Pryor handily steals ıhe show with an 
instant replay of Kelly’s act, doing bumps 
and grinds in pasties and false eyelashes. 

Summer also brought Sweet Liberty and 
Legal Eagles. The former, written and 
directed by and starring Alan Alda, cı 
cems a college professor whose historical 
novel is savaged by a rowdy Hollywood 
film crew. Saul Rubinck portrays the 
who has a sure-fire formula for 
out hits: Defy authority, destroy 
property and take people’s clothes off. On 
the third count, Alda himself fudges with 
some self-conscious cuteness that the Rev- 
erend Jerry Falwell's maiden aunt might 
àg a finger at. Michael Caine, as а 
ng superstar, and Michelle Pfeif- 
fer, as his career-minded leading lady, who 
has a brief fling with Alda, give Liberty a 
welcome smattering of spicy sophistic: 
tion. In Legal Eagles, Robert Redford and 
tan lawyers 


murder—cre y 
from time to time. Although the picture is 
reminiscent оГ a vintage Hepburn-Tracy 
comedy, its formula feels forced. Part of 
the problem is Redford, a cinema icon too 
-clean to bed Daryl Hannah (as a 
zany SoHo performance artist) on his own 
initiative. She has to make the move. Red- 
ford succumbs, then spends the re: 
movie being coyly sheepish about 
where are the studs of yestery 

The one hot-weather movie that 
unequivocally spanned the gener 
is Rodney Dangerfield’s Back to School. 
While Rodney manages to discover anude 


Jason Lives was still unreleased but a si 


and even 


beauty behind а shower door 
‚educes an English professor (Sally Keller- 
man), his low-grade humor as a gross col- 
legian is more verbal than visual but good 
for guflaws from every age group. Other- 
wise, youth films have carefully veered 
away from the 1985 bumper crop of movies 
dwelling ad nauseam on puberty rites 
Since tecny-bopper sex hasn't pulled them 
in this time, Hollywood is trying to woo 
the kids wich everything else, from hockey 
to horror to dewy-cyed innocence. Writer- 
producer-director John Hughes, the ac- 
knowledged high priest of teenage 
America's mores, made out with Pretty m 
Pink (which catapulted Molly Ringwald 
onto the cover of Time) and Ferris Bueller's 
Day Off, two substantial successes dealing 
with such momentous subjects as prom 
night and playing hooky. Youngblood, with 
Rob Lowe as a hockey player on the rise 
me and went; Lowe's bedroom 


didn’t seem to help. 

One of the oddest of all efforts to please 
сусту age group was Howard the Duck. 
Howard gets into bed with his favorit 


consummated, nor did the horny Howard 
score high with viewers of any feather. 
Youth may be served the most generous 
dollops of sex, drugs and punk rock in Sid 
and Nancy (reviewed in this issue), Alex 
Cox's grim, graphic drama about the Sex 
Pistols star who killed his girlfriend and 
subsequently died of an overdose. Not 
much of a turn-on in any department 
Lewdness is uncomfortably combined 
with horror in Vamp (Grace Jones plays 
one of the surprises in store for thre 
lege boys who go to find a stripper for a 
frat party and discover a colony of vam- 
pires). The chills arc t in cheek in 
The Toxic Avenger, a cult favorite about a 
skinny little nerd (Mitchell Cohen) who's 
the object of ridicule at a health club. Alter 
accidentally landing in a truckload of toxic 
waste, he emerges from the yucky green 
stull—hideous but humongous and in- 
ible—to right wrongs, captivate а 
blind girl and tear asunder the bi 
bodies of health nuts who had once snig- 
gered at him in the sauna (among them 
former Playboy Bunny Jennifer Варах). 
At this writing, Friday the 13th, Part VI: 
= 
the usual quotient of horny 
couples in jeopardy when that bloody 
perennial, Jason, is brought back to lile 
by a bolt of lightning. Psycho IH is not 
likely to be taken seriously by anyone old 
nough to recall Hitchcock's 1960 or 
nal, but this sequel to a sequel, with Tony 
Perkins directing and starring, does bring 
some flaming youth out to the Bates Motel 
to shed their clothes and their inhibitions, 
followed by the usual bloodshed. "The 
(continued on page 167) 


col- 


bet to olle 


137 


138 


sorts BY KEVIN COOK 


N.F.L. ’86 
THE 


ІІ 


ШІ 


his is the sound of noses 

breaking, of cleats digging 
frozen turf, of taped hands tear- 
ing face masks, of shoulder pads 
battering ribs. It is the sound of 
Butkus hitting Grabowski, Kra- 
mer drilling a hole for Starr, Tatum 
and Atkinson blind-siding Stall- 
worth and Swann, Nitschke's 
teeth gnashing as Sayers disap- 
pears; and it echoes when 
today's greatest players collide. 
It is the sound of the crowd 
Shrieking hate or approbation. 
This is another way of looking 
at the game. This is a look at 
the matchups that the people 
who know the game best—the 
N.EL.s players and coach- 
es—will be watching this year, col- 
lisions on which games and 
seasons will hinge. These are 
the pivotal gridiron battles of 1986. 


JOE KLECKO 

Nose tackle, New York Jets 

6/3”, 265 pounds 

Tenth-year pro from Temple 

МІ-Рго 1981, 1983, 1984, 1985 

First defensive player in N.F.L. history 
10 make All-Pro at three positions 


> y 


DWIGHT STEPHENSON 
Center, Miami Dolphins 

6'2", 255 pounds 

Seventh-year pro from Alabama 

All-Pro 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985 

Anchored offensive line that allowed 
fewest sacks in the N.F.L. in 1985 


MU this season, 


“ : try watching 


the game within 
the game as 
the toughest, 
the strongest and 
the fastest go 


> one on one 


in the n.f.l.'s 


hest matchups 


his is the battle for Dan Marino's 
hide. Center Stephenson will get 
help with. Klecko from the rest 
of the Dolphins’ offensive line. 
Klecko will mix finesse and ferocity to 
get past the league's be 
There may be blood. Klecko lives to 
read his team’s fortunes in the opposi- 
tion quarterback's entrails; Stephe 
son Marino’s health insurance. 
Stephenson and company allowed 
- only 19 sacks last season. Klecko and 
sackmate Mark Gastineau had more 
than that all by themselves. He and 
Stephenson met twice in 1985. Klecko 
won one and Stephenson won one. 
The Jets won one and the Dolphins 
won one. 
“The game we won, we 
Marino only once," says Klecko, 
we kept the pressure on him all day. 
We yed in his face.” 
“The first game with them last 
year, I had a bad game, onc of my 
worst,” (concluded on page 172) y 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARO FEGLEY 


MIKE HAYNES 
Cornerback, Los Angeles Raiders 
672”, 190 pounds 

11th-year pro from Arizona State 


All-Pro 1985 
Four interceptions in 1985; 39 career interceptions 


uper is compact: his speed comes from mysterious sources. Haynes is 


MARK DUPER 

Wide receiver, Miami Dolphins 

579”, 187 pounds 

Fifth-year pro from Northwestern State, Louisiana 
МІ-Рго 1983, 1984 

35 catches for 650 yards in 1985, including 

217 yards in one game 


and looks fast. They match up like the edges ofa twin- 


track razor. When they meet at full speed in the open field. other players step back to watch the show. The last ime they matched 


up was in 1984, Haynes's team won. 


I remember an interception he made in that game 


Duper says, laughing. “I cut outside. Marino threw inside. Mike 


Haynes took the ball and went 90-some yards. I tried to catch his ass, but no way.” 


Haynes is gracious, “That was a miscommunication between Dup 


and Marino," he says. "Duper cut away from the ball and I 


caught it. My concern at that point was not to be caught by him. He's a proven speed burner. But 1 got away. My adrenaline was 


high on that play, it almost ruined me for the rest of the game 
1 beat him for a touchdown at the end of that c 


Duper adds, getting even. Duper is the (concluded on page 172) 


MARCUS ALLEN 
Running back, Los Angeles Raiders 
6'2”, 205 pounds 

Fifth-year pro from USC 

Heisman Trophy winner 1981 

N.F.L. Most Valuable Player 1985 


qu 


mi 
a = 
4. 
5 
Е 
< 
x 
ў 
~~ ni 


Пеп and Mecklenburg get along fine off the ficld. On it, they get along like the gazelle 

Pro Bowl and had a good time,” says Allen, who carries no grudge a 

Allen two years ago. In that game, Raiders Q.B. Jim Plunkett overthrew Allen, who 

vulnerable and oblivious to the Broncos’ budding monster man. Mecklenburg er 

as The Hit, crampled the N.F 
the league's hardest hitters 

When Allen's name comes up, Mecklenburg shrugs off The Hit. OF the field, at least 

There was a play last year that showed how good Marcus he say I had a good shot 
ran over the referee and Marcus went sixty-one yards." Allen, the elegant running bac 


hed 


L.'s premier ball carrier and turned out his lights. It also cemented Мес 


KARL MECKLENBURG 
Linebacker, Denver Broncos 

63”, 230 pounds 

Fourth-year pro from Minnesota 

МІ-Рго 1985 

Led Broncos with 13 sacks in 1985 


and the lion, “We hung out last year at the 


ast Mecklenburg for the savage open-field hit he put on 


leaped for the ball. He was stretched out, 
1 him. The hit, which soon became known 
lenburg's reput: 


ion as one of 


he prefers praising Allen t burying him 


at him, but he put a referee between us; I 
is the N.F.L.'s (concluded on page 172) 


141 


The television generation grew up. 


Remember the excitement when you first started Today, however, with network TV, cable TV, satellite 
watching TV? TV MTV" stereo TV, video games, home computers, 

Although the picture was black and white, the and VCRs, the entertainment possibilities are so vast 
sound fuzzy, and the choice limited, it didn't matter that the quality of television rests on the quality of your 
because it was all so new and so mesmerizing. television set. 


21986 Sony Corporation of America. Sony. Tinitron, Microblack and The One and Only are trademarks of Sony. МТУ is a trademark of MTV Networks 


The television did, too. 


That's precisely why Sony created the Trinitron XBR whose picture rivals the best direct-view sets. 
Series. All centered around our highest resolution Each one makes watching television a brand-new 
Trinitron Microblack™ picture and our hi-fi stereo sound. experience, all over again. 


It's a series with everything from built-in VCRs to Нар А = 
built-in computers, even a 36-inch rear projection TV Trinitron XBR Series SON У; 


“FOREIGN BODY'S" 
EAUTY 


screenwriter céline la freniere 


has talent. and that's not all 


By CELINE LA FRENIERE 


‘oreign Body" (see "Movies," ра 
а romantic comedy about a young тап from 
India who seeks prosperity and sexual awak- 
ening in London, What you see here is not an 
actress from the movie but its scriptwriter. 
How did she come to pose for т.хүноу? She's 
а writer, We'll let her tell the story 


ITS FOUR AM. at Lee International Studios 
in London. Two hundred male extras of 
Asian extraction are boarding buses to go 
on location, Their destination? Although 
the script calls for Calcutta on a hot sum- 
mer day, the scene will be shot in midwin- 
wr on a shipping dock in Bristol, more 
than two hours away. Feelings run high 
among the men. For just onc day, they will 
share in the magic of making a movie with 
legendary director Ronald Neame and 
their idol, — (text continued on page 156) 


I's obvious from these photos thot Celine Lo 
Freniére, author of the screenplay for Foreign 
Body, is well qualified to pose for the film's 
mock marsor cover (inset, above). During 
shooting of the Orion release, now arriving 
on American screens, Celine pauses for shop- 
talk (above) with director Ronald Neome 
ond his son Christopher, executive producer. 


PLAYBOY 


146 


PROFESSIONAL SOLDIER 


(continued from page 94) 


“I was a spy; if those shitheads ever win, they will 
kill me. So I am fighting for my life." 


“Wil, 
bullshitter." 

“No,” said Wili. “Yo ag- 
ine the life Гуе already lived. On top of 
everything else, 1 have a black belt 
$n... 

Wili claimed to have been 
fielder on the junior national baseball 
team, а guerrilla, a university student for 


għed Severo, “you're such a 


can't even i 


revolution, and then to have been sent into 
Honduras for nearly as long to spy on Con- 
tras and CIA agents. 
Wili was so breathless, 
it was as if he were turning his past into a 
song. Jorge was struck by the noti 
past so full of adventure and heroics that it 
could fill in a song; where would his own 


stead of going back 10 the 


1 ат here. And do you know 
why? Because I was a spy; if those 
shitheads ever win, they will kill me. So I 


I can't let others 
ave women every 


am fighting for my lil 
fight for my life... 1 
where. Severo, if you knew how to touch a 
man like 1 do, hah, 1 bet you would 
even be here; you'd have run off to Mia 
by now to make a fortune as a gigolo. 

“Bullshitter!” shouted Severo. "jJode- 
dor!” 

Wili laughed loudly and patted Severo's 


w 


“Were you really a spy?" asked Jorge. 
“OF course. And you?” asked Wili, 
turning his head sideways and looking at 
Jorge out of one amused eye. “Is that 
cally why you went into the army? ‘To 
dogs? 
The dog was ready. They had to train 
me,” said Jorge. “I'd hoped to become а 
helicopter pilot" 
The road had been flat for a while when 
Severo pulled Ше ісер over and stopped 
“Look,” he said. “1 think the ambush 
happened about ten kilometers from 
here.” 
“I don’t hear anything, do you?" said 
Wili. “The fighting must have stopped.” 
Severo shrugged. “It should have by 
now. But let's wait a little. 
So they all got out of the jeep, urinated 
o the road and stood there, listening for 
the faraway sound of resumed combat. 
Mier they'd been waiting awhile, Wili's 
face suddenly went still, and he held his 


Jorge was puzzled. 
Severo was staring at the ground, and at 
Jeast a minute went by before he looked up 


and s; ow I hear them.” 
You hear trucks?" Jorge was bewil- 
ed to the edge of panic 

Wili grinned. “Alter you've been up 
here awhile,” he said, “you'll even be able 
to tell the time with your cars. And if 
you've left a girl at home, you'll be able to 
hear it all the way up here the minute she 
forgets about you 

Jorge didn’t have a girl. 

But finally he heard the faraway rum- 
bling of army-truck engines. [t was not 
Ana’s purpose to pay attention to the 
sound of trucks, and she stood passively 
and did not lift her head to look up the 
road until they were already in sight. The 
trucks bore down through the dark tr 
with the captivating force of a huge iron 
train. There were three trucks, the first 
two jammed with jostled soldiers wearing 
the light-green, brown-speckled uniforms 
of the T.P.U.s, and the third was less 
crowded. They had to slow down to 
squeeze past the jeep, but they didn't stop. 
The driver of the first truck leaned out the 
window and shouted, “бо ahead, it’s all 
clear! We can't stop; we have wounded!” 
The first two trucks passed, and then 
came the third, with one soldier stand 
up in back, resting his rifle on the 
the cab; a few others were sitting on the 
benches inside the fenced sides, but Jorge 
couldn't sce into the back as it passed, 
he ¢ the rear gate was up. 

Wounded compas,” said Wili matter- 
of-factly, “and also dead compas." 

"The three soldiers were solemn-faced as 
they listened. to the noise of the trucks 
fade. 

Dead, thought Jorge. And what is that? 
He stared down the empty road. 

They got back into the jeep and hadit 
driven far when they came upon the tru 
that had been hit in the ambush. How odd 
it looked. A propelled grenade had ripped 
open the flat steel in front like a mon- 
strous, pinching claw; bullets had punched 
shiny holes through the cab, and the f 
ound what had been the windshield 
grotesquely twisted. War had exposed the 
baffling flimsiness of a once-sturdy-looking 
truck, transforming it into a big, somchow 
ridiculous scrap of torn metal at the side оГ 
a road. 

Ana became rigid—smelling the ene- 
my? The quivering nose was held high, 
nd she got up from the jeep as if to follow 
some tantalizing scent into the air. When 
they got out, the dog paced a restless, tug- 
ging semicircle in front of Jorge. He pulled 
the leash taut and commanded her to be 


dei 


ame 


But he wondered if it weren't foolish to 
be standing out in the open like this. 

Wili was wanderi ally up the 
road, his rille slung from his shoulder and 
his arm resting on top of 

In the back of the truck, the floor planks 
were sprinkled with the di: ged bullet 
casings, and more glittered in the road— 
the ambushed soldiers had had to fight 
their way off the truck through а hornet 
swarm of enemy fire and dowi 
cover of the forest. 
evero picked up one of the brass cas- 
‚ sniffed it, then blew across its top, 
making it whistle. The dog stared. 
looked at her and dropped his hand from 
his mouth. 

Wili 

“Evidently, they screwed u 
bush," he said. “Tha 
lead of waiting until they had all four 
ide the ambush, they hit the fi 
Stupids. In the end, they were the ones 
who were surprised—by everyone coming 
down after.” 


саз 


into the 


evero 


me walking back down the road. 
their am- 


. 

When they entered Wamblan an hour 
later, it was dusk and the sky had clouded 
over. The forested hills surrounding the 
town cast shadows that seemed dissolved 
into the light, giving it a greenish, watery 
tanslucence. Wamblan was too deep i 
the w 10 be at all thriving 
Much of the population had left, and its 
few shops sold little. that "t grown 
nearby, Wili said you couldn't even get 
beer or cigarettes à he base was 
at the far end of tow it took up a 
short side road. There was another group- 
ing of barracks and a watchtower on 
cleared hill overlooking a quietly lowing 
green river. Soldiers were milling in the 
muddy, puddle-gleaming road in front of 
the crumbling buildings of mud brick and 
pastel-enameled stucco, some of which 
were painted with slogans of the revolut 
and bright murals. It was almost a festive 
scene—the first thing Jorge thought of was 
soldiers waiting to go in to a dance. When 
Severo cut the engine, Jorge heard their 
chatter and laughte 

Of course, the army regulars of Wam- 
blan were happy—they'd fought in а 
battle and none of them had been killed. 
Four of the T.P.U.s had been killed, and 
several wounded, but the rest of it had 
gone just as Wili had s. 
had a bandage wound around his head 
from a bullet that had grazed him, and 
though he stood іп the midst of the cele- 
bration with the rest, he had a stunned, 
quiet expression 
We killed fifteen —— 

“No, twenty-five! 

“We killed a lot 
they shoot!" 

“The soldi rounded the jeep, and 
their voices excited Jorge as being still raw 

(continued on page 150) 


то! 


һеу 


tand up when 


5ТАТЕ 
ОҒТНЕ 
AUDIO-VIDEO 
ART 


eight products for which 
we're all eyes and ears 


MANY PRODUCTS arc called for dis- 
play at the Consumer Electronics 
Show in Chicago, yet few are cho- 
sen to appear in PLAYROY, because 
we just don't have the space. So 
what are our criteria for picking 
the eight pieces of audio and vid- 
co equipment pictured on these 
pages? Some perform smart multi- 
functions, some are technologi- 
cally unique and some just look as 
if they'd be so much fun to own 
that we couldn't resist featuring 
them. About $10,000 buys the lot 
Put it on American Express 


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PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


PLAYBOY 


150 


PROFESSIONAL SOLDIER 


(continued from page 146) 


U. 


. ARMY was stamped. into his fork. Their eating 


utensils came from captured. enemy knapsacks.” 


and vil 
of battle. 

Ana's thoroughbred beauty, her shaggy 
bulk and ferocious aura impressed a 
even amazed them, they who came from a 
country of mutant mongrels and hairless 
pariahs. Jorge and the dog stepped down 
from the jeep, and the soldiers crowded 


ant with the important experience 


like a circus animal 


What does it do?” 

Jorge knelt by the dog, one hand on her 
nape, murmuring soothingly. Of course it 
made Ana nervous to be surrounded by зо 
many new soldiers. But it was a good th 
for her to familiarize herself with their 
scents right away, in order to distinguish 
them from the enemies’ later, 

“This dog tracks the enem 
Jorge. 

‘Oh, you need а big dog for that," s 
ап cager soldier who seemed no older than. 
14. “Don't you 
“And a very specialized nose," said 
bemused and touching his own nosc. 
Made in the German Democratic Repub- 
ic, no les: 

Yes, the nose. Germany,” 
young soldier, nodding vigorou: 
many. how could it not be? Th 
that have 1 be better over there, right? 
Our dogs are not useful. No, they're not 
useful.” 

“I's just a nose," 
“Our dogs have n 
dogs to have such noses, 

“But that is too 


explained 


said the 


said another soldier. 
5. We could teach our 


ight? 
uch dog just to hold 


up a nose,” said another. 
‘Show us a trick, compa. 
do tricks?” 

a growled—it was all too much for 
her—and several of the soldiers jumped 
back and got laughed at by the rest. 

“That dog has shark's teeth!” 

“Elegante!” 

The base had been informed of the dog's 
arrival days in advance, and Jacinto, the 
commanding licutenant, had already had 
a chicken-wire pen constructed. The pen 
had a tin roof, a gate that locked, and it 
was under a tree, next to an outhouse. 

“105 possible that this was a mistake,” 
said a soldier. “What if the stink ruins the 
dog's nose?” 

“No,” said another seriously. 
like bad smells.” 

Then Ana was in the pen, pacing in cir- 
cles, pantherlike, over the dark dirt. She 
found her spot to sit down, straightened 
up and stared back at the soldiers. 

For th st time that day, Jorge could 
relinquish his tight hold of the leash. It 
was a silently draining job in itself, just 
holding that Icash all day. He folded it up 
and stuck it under his belt, by his holster. 
His freed hand floated. 

. 

Later, after һе fed Апа and was shown 
to his bunk, Jorge went into the mess, 
which was nothing more than a wooden 
shed with an iron stove where a local peas- 
ant woman dished out servings of red 
ns, emaciated chicken parts and zorti- 
he mess was crowded with soldiers, 
and there Jorge met Jacinto. The broad- 


Can this dog 


“All dogs 


“ОК, say we experience a total 
meltdown and 200,000 people die. That leaves 
us approximately 100,000 cusiomers. We triple their 
rales and we're back on our feet again." 


shouldered lieutenant was easily the ta 
man in the battalion. There was some- 
thing of the stillness and depth of the forest 
in his dark, Indian-featured face and large 
candid eyes, something of its tr ent 
solitude: though in his 20s, he'd been a 
commanding officer at Wamblan for four 
years. Jacinto's words had an unforced, 
simple precision and grace, and whenever. 
he spoke, the others fell silent. Even Wili 
was deferential around him. Watching and 
listening to Jacinto, it was suddenly obvi- 
ous to Jorge why the word elegante was so 
popular among the troops at Wamblan. It 
was Jacinto who had imposed on them the 
conscious theme of elegante. They used the 
word so often that it seemed to run 
through them like a common current, 
uniting them as much as the color of their 
uniforms. When Jorge noticed that vs 
ARMY was stamped into his fork, one of the 
soldiers remarked that many of their с 
ing utensils came from captured enemy 
knapsacks; they were superior eating uten- 
sils, he said; they were elegant, and it was 
an elegant joke to be eating with them 

“Well go after them tomorrow," said 
Jacinto, and Jorge's heart jumped. They 
werc going after the enemy tomorrow. 

Candlelight reflected off the greasy, 
plastic-sheeted table. Outside, the tree 
frogs had erupted into a loud, relentless, 
hammering racket. It was, to Jorge, truly 
an unworldly sound, as if an evil wind 
from off the moon had rained a plague of 
tree frogs into that forest. He'd never 
heard so much noisiness coming from the 

ight all at once, and it made him feel how 
remote and faraway—far away from every- 
thing but war—Wamblan really was. 

One of the soldiers went to get his tape 
player and his three American rock-n- 
roll tapes. Then they listened to the tree 
frogs drowning out the music from the lit- 
de tape player. They talked and found 
more things to reler to as elegant. The sol- 
diers thought Jorge's canine-corps pin was 
elegant, and they passed his cap around. 

Ana sat up in the pen, her eyes opaquely 
glowing in the dark. Green fireflies shifted 
over the grass all the way down to the 
blac ining river; on its opposite bank, 
the forest rose steeply, a somber-looking 
monument full of tree frogs; at the top of 
that long hill, the tree line made a sharp- 
etched blackness against the night-flooded 
layer of clouds weighing down. Stepping 
into the pen, Jorge felt himself stepping 
into the transparent emptiness in front of 
Ana’s nose, It seemed precisely to fit the 
pen and was all the more tangible becaus 
he was holding his breath against the out- 
house smell; and when he exhaled, it was 
as if he could see his breath disappearing 
into it. What was that emptiness, he 
thought, but the mystery of what would 
happen tomorrow when he finally fol- 
lowed the dog into it? 

Ana watched him with enlarged, black- 
gem pupils as he crouched in front of 
her, whispering the usual friendly words 


st 


“Schneeball, Schnecball,” he singsonged; it 
meant snowball in German and was just a 
thing he'd gotten into the habit of 
when no other words came to mind. 

He rubbed the dog's neck, plunged his 
fingers into the dense, furry folds under 
her jaw, thumpingly pated the sturdy 
chest 


the back of a 
te of the previous 


At dawn, ЗІ sold 
truck to return to the 
day's ambush. It had 

ng the night and the forest was misty 
the early heat. Jaci 1 appointed Wili 
to lead the patrol. Most of the soldiers 
were armed with automatic rifles and 
extra clips, some had grenade launchers 
slung over their backs and two carried 
heavy machine guns on their shoulders, 
idge belts draped around their necks 
a the back. hold- 
seated between his 


car 


Jorge sat on a spare 
ny the leash, Ai 
ne 

"You look like a cookie," Wi 
then he mimicked Jorge's 
prehensive star 

As soon as they'd all climbed. down 
from the truck and into the forest, Jorge 
could feel through the leash how Ana 
was being pulled along by the hundreds 
of invisible enemy boots that had fled 
through the wet, soft underbrush almost 
24 hours before. There wasn't any special 
urgency to the dog’s pulling, nor had her 
hose yet become attached 10 any singu- 


‚and 
ap- 


i sa 
bland, 


larly pursuable trail. They walked awhile, 
10 the very edge of where the fighting had 
spread, where, without Ana, the soldiers 
would have had to fan out and read with 
their eyes for some sign of the enemies’ 
fight. Then they walked a little more 
belore Wili received his first lesson in the 
dog's magical talent. Although Jorge knew 
it was inevitable, it still struck him with 
the force of a new revelation when Ana led 
them struggling through layers of thick 
vegetation and into a narrow, descending 
footpath of mud oozing up through flat- 
tened weeds and grass. 

"Herc?" said Wili, gaping, as if it were 
just too easy to be true. 

“At least some of them went this way," 
said Jorge as calmly as he could. Inwardly, 
the thrill he felt was indistinguishable 
from hi 


7 said Wili. "It's a path. 

It was a perfect path, walled by vegeta- 
tion, and down they went into it, single 
fil a leading the way and Wili right 
behind Jorge. Before long, Ana's loping 
stride began to lengthen. Then the dog 
swerved off the path, through а layer of 
sun-dappled leaves, and, as if it were the 
exact and only thing they'd been looking 
for all along, she plunged her nose into a 
wet piece of cloth surrounded by flattened 
and recently hacked-out branches. Wili 
probed the cloth with the end of his rifle: lt 
was blood- and rain-soaked; it was the 
bottom half of a pants leg cur away 


an enemy uniform, 

Puta,” said Wili. “This one got it 
in the shin, and they cut the cloth off to 
tend 10 his wound.” 

He looked at the dog with an almost of- 
fended expression. 

“The ones who stayed with thei 
wounded will have to go slow,” said Wili. 
He thought a moment and added, “And 
who knows how many there are?” 

“How far is it to the border?” asked 
. He felt full of confidence in the dog 


Jo 


now. 


bout thirty kilometers.” said W 
“But the land goes up and down like a son 
of a whore.” 

"They pushed on. For hours, they fol- 
lowed the dog along that ancient, twisting. 
path that had probably been used by tr: 
pers, remote farmers, the mule trains of 
gglers and even warring 
years ago and before. The more they 
descended, the hotter and morc tropical it 
became. The suffocating, bilious-green air 

teamed amid trees with tremendous, 
shaggy, dark trunks, paler, crooked palms, 
a disorder of vines and piled growths of 
drooping leaves; the bright-red, spiky 
sheaths of parasitical pl 
branches like burning fl 


disrupt the heavy d: lence of the 
jungle. Jorge’s boots sucked green mud, 
and he heard 60 other boots doing the 


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151 


PLAYBOY 


152 


same in a long line behind him. A constant 
mask of sweat stung his eyes: Ahead of 
him, there was only the bouncing, plumed 
cobra of Ana's tail, the hinged churning of 
her rear legs driving the long, prowling 
torso forward as she opened up her private 
tunnel through the jungle. 

And so it went, as Wili had said, up and 
down like a son of a whore, out of thc jun- 
gle and into the fierce sun as they marched 
along high, grassy ridges and saw hillside 
after hillside of lush, deserted pasture and 
the occasional farmhouse—and the hills 
going on and on, bluc in the distance, all 
the way into Honduras. Half the sky was 
limpid blue and half of it, to the north, was 
an oncoming, slow-motion stampede of 
purplish clouds. 

The dog led them off the path again, 
nto a hilltop grove, where they found 
shaved sticks stuck into the ground in the 
pattern of some ancient, rudimentary 
device for reading the stars. They were 
from the makeshift lean-tos the enemy had 
camped under the night before. There was 
a barely damp cigarctte-rolling paper 
clinging to a weed. Ana sniffed it and 
hoisted her head up, with the paper stuck 
to her nose. The soldiers grinned and gig- 
gled. It was the first funny thing Jorge had 
ever seen the dog do. 

“Look, it won't come off,” joked a sol- 
dier, pretending to try to peel the paper 
from Ana’s nose, though he kept his hand 
well away. “Now the nose won't work any- 
more. It’s a new kind of mine just for dogs. 
The bastards.” 

Ana shook her head and the paper fell 


оі 


"Hah," said a soldier. "This dog can do 
anything." 

. 

They were down in the jungle again 
when it began to rain. The shimmering, 
driving rain fanned a rich breeze as it 
pushed through the broad leaves; it van- 
quished the heat, turning the jungle into a 
shivering, bright-green blur. It soaked 
through Jorge's uniform, drenched his skin 
and tired limbs, washed the sting out of his 
eyes and ran in fresh sheets over his face, 
over his lips. The rain was pure pleasure. 
It rained so heavily, and for so long, that 
its effect became trancelike. Jorge felt full 
of rain in a jungle full of rain. Ana flowcd 
along the path like a fat black water 


then the rain stopped. Jorge felt his 
uniform turn to warm, heavy mud. Steam 
rose from his shoulders and thighs. His 
wet boots began to chafe against the parts 
of his feet that already felt rubbed and 
raw. He stumbled over a slippery tree root 
and then over a loose stone in the mud. He 
felt the debris of the jungle sticking to his 
skin, deposited there, it seemed, by the 
swarms of tiny insects that had filled in the 
empty spaces left by the rain. He itched all 
over. He was stumbling more and more 
and wasn't sure, at first, if it was because 
he was becoming too tired or because the 


dog was pulling harder. Ana’s tail swung 
apidly back and forth. With every step 
she took, she secmed to be trying to 
pounce, catlike, on some speedily burrow- 
ing mole beneath the path. He pulled up 
short to slow the dog and felt his arm just 
about wrenched out of its socket; he tum- 
bled forward again. 

“I think they re close,” gasped Jorge 

“How close?” hissed Wili behind him. 

“Maybe very close,” said Jorge. 

Wili was right on Jorge’s shoulder now; 
Jorge could sce the barrel of his rifle рго- 
truding. And glancing back, he saw how 
all the humor had drained out of Wili's 
face. Wili was staring with a kind of mute 
consternation and frenzy into the jungle 
ahead of Ana. 

The dog had warned them. And now the 
enemy was behind every broad leaf and 
trunk; the enemy had even squeezed 
behind every dangling liana and was cling- 
ing to the back of every black cloud of 
hanging moss. 

“Close,” whispered Jorge. How wrong 
to be walking in front, he suddenly 
thought, his vulnerable belly and pound- 
ing heart exposed, unshielded, to the 
enemy. Was it possible that for the next 
two years of his life, this was what he was 
going to be doing? Не, Jorge, a boy? Walk- 
ing alone in front? A long linc of soldiers 
behind him, waiting like a mousetrap set 
to spring if the enemy took ‚Jorge? 

Ohhh, thought Jorge. Oh, no. 

But now was when he was supposed to 
find bravery in his ability to hold tightly to 
the leash, to remain alert and attentive, 
trusting and calm. 

Of course I'm ready to dic! he thought 
But how much better to be an ordinary 
soldier with a rifle, somewhere in the back 
of the linc. 

"Then Wili kept ordering Jorge to stop; 
and cach time Wili moved ahead, his rifle 
ready, he listened to the jungle, then ges- 
tured with his hand and several soldicrs 
came forward and disappeared into the fo- 
liage on both sides of the path, going to 
scout for an enemy ambush. They were 
gone for minutes at a time- 

And Ana waited rigidly, panting, her 
tongue hanging out the side of her mouth 
like a fresh cut of bright-pink ham. She 
stood waiting on the path, her path, the 
one h she'd singled out from all thc 
paths in the jungle. And only to Ana was 
the enemy something more than invisible. 

When the soldiers came back, the шісі 
column moved forward again; then, after a 
ile, they stopped again, did it all over 
again. For an hour, they kept up in this 
painstaking way. It was late afternoon 
and alrcady the light in the jungle was 
beginning to dim. Wili seemed not to care 
he was letting the enemy get ahead. Не 
seemed to haye fallen into a battle between 
the dog's unrelenting pursuit and his own 
habit of engaging in careful stalking tac- 
cs 
We won't catch the enemy now, thought 


wi 


Jorge. And his exhaustion overwhelmed. 
him. 

Why chase the enemy at all? he thought. 
Suddenly, it seemed а bit senscless, alma 
a comedy, to go tracking the enemy all 
day, knowing you might not catch them 

But wait, he thought. You have to chase 
the enemy, because what are you sup- 
posed to do, just let them come іп and 
kill? 

Then he felt himself on the verge of an 
important insight: Yes, it wasn't worth it 
to Wili to catch the enemy unless he was 
sure he could take them by surprise. So at 
this rate, they might go on patrol after 
patrol before he actually got it the way he 
wanted; they might walk thousands of 
kilometers, over weeks, months, con 
ally refining their tracking strategies, their 
cars and their ey nd waiting 
they'd turned the jungle into one big trap 
for the enemy. 

So it wasn't necessarily casy to get killed 
іп war, even if you had to walk in front! 

Elegante, thought Jorge. 

It must make the enemy crazy, he 
thought, 10 know that they were always 
being pursued by soldiers who would 
attack only when they were sure that only 
their enemics would die. 

Then maybe Wili doesn't like the dog, 
he thought suddenly. The notion a 
h nd as he brooded over it, his lower 
lip hung heavy. But the dog helps, he 
insisted. The key was to thwart the dog a 
little, hold her back a little, as Jorge was 
doing. 

They came to a river. It was a fairly 
wide, swift blue-green river digging its 
own deep, narrow valley through the jun- 
gle. On both banks, ash-yellow, g 
spotted, symmetrical tree trunks made a 
pretty, gilded tunnel for the river. The fad- 
ing light of the day filtered through the 
bowering leaves like long, pale-gold, trans- 
lucent streamers. 

Wili sent four sold ISS 10 scout 
the other side and let the rest take a break. 
The soldiers filed quietly down from 
the path. and spread out on the bank. 
Jorge, emotionless with exhaustion. now, 
slumped back against one of the yellowish 
trees. He closed his eyes, listened to the 
peaceful murmuring of the river. It made 
him think nostalgically of the rain; the rai 
seemed already to have happened some 
other day. Then he remembered that now- 
ig when the German ollicers, 
ays looking for ways to d 
hardiness of their € 
si spirits, had 
naked in the nearly frozen river with the 
dogs, tossing sticks back and forth 

"The memory of it must have made him 
smile, because he heard a soldier say, 
“You're happy with this dog, aren't you? 
Yes, this dog is useful. She doesn’t get 
tired, does she? No, get 
tired,” 

He opened his eyes and saw the very 
young soldier stroking the top of Ana's 


u- 


g until 


es, 


armed 


n. 


s acr 


the 


mani 


swum 


she doesnt 


nt head. 
She could go like this for a week,” said 
e, "and not even have to cat." 
n the soldiers signaled from the 
other side, the rest went across. ‚Jorge 
hooked the leash and the dog cagerly 
splashed in. Ana was a driven swimmer. 
Most of the soldiers had no trouble with 
the currents and powered 
across in a straight line, their weapons 
held over their heads. But Jorge, hold 
up his pistol, felt the river flooding heavily 
around his waist and felt his boots coi 
stantly slithering on the slippery, rocky 
bottom; several times, he had to strain 
with all his might to keep from be 
pulled downstream. He was finally about 
to step up onto the bank when he relaxed, 
forgetting that the currents were strong 
where it was shallow, too, and they 
tripped him: He fell back into the water 
with on of the dog bounding oll. 
When he scrambled up, some of the sol- 
diers were grinning goofily at him. But the 
others were looking upriver, far from 
where the path resumed its climb into the 
jungle 

‘The dog ran away,” said V solily, 
pointing up at where Ana had vanished 
into the dense loliage behind the yellowish 
wees. 

‘Then all the soldiers were gaping 
toward that spot 

“She's supposed to wait,” said Jorge, 
fear sweeping through him with a terrible 
chill. 

Wili gazed at him, almost cross-eyed 
with bewilderment. He scemed to have no 


themselves 


idea what to do 

“And won't the dog come back?" asked 
Wili 

“I think yes,” said Jorge. 


“Ah,” said Wili 
was all he said. 

They waited, all of them with their 
weapons ready. But there was no sign of 
Ana. There w: 
river, the darkening jungle rising up before 
them and the first evening chattering of 
Ше birds. 

"Well," said Wili expı у. 

“Do vou want me to call the dog?" 
asked Jorge. 

Wili shook his head no. And then hc 
quickly pointed out eight soldiers and told 
them to spread out and to make their w: 
quietly and slowly up through the jung 
He told the rest to wait and to be ready 

“Jorge,” he said. “Come.” 

V h Jorge behind him, entered the 
jungle at the precise spot Апа had 
ished into it. Hunched over, they crept 
stealthily through the pathle: 
ering 
sliding like 
wanted to bury his face in each с; 
hide forever. He was surrounded by end- 
lessly winding foliage and shadow, and 
somewhere in all this was Ana. 

Why not just go back without the dog? 
That the absurdity of this. predica- 


if relieved, and that 


the 


ly the murmuring 


ssionl 


i, w 


an- 


‚dark, qui 


ment: No matter how great the danger, it 

seemed unimaginable to go back without 

the prize animal. How would he explain 
having lost Ana to Jacinto? He might ev 

а himself sentenced to clean outhouses 

with the deserters and draft dodgers at one 

of the main military bases: it would be an 
ndable punishment. Somehow, he 
had failed: somehow, there on the river- 
bank, Ana had forgotten all about Jorge. 

Was it possible that Wili, who he was sure 

now despised the dog, was going after Ana 

just to try to save him from a completely 
dismal fate? 

Up ahead, in front of Wili, he saw the 
light glowing intricately through a wall of 
vegetation. It was the edge of a clearing. 
Wili reached it first, on his knees and onc 
hand, his other arm cradling his rifle. 
Then he motioned for Jorge to get down. 
And Jorge flattened out and stayed that 
way, buried in wet jungle. 

Then he heard Wili whisper, softly, as if 
all the air inside him were slowly being 
drawn into that one word, “Puvutaaa.” 

Son of a thousand whores, what? Jorge 
silently screamed. 

Wili turned his face toward him, his face 
partly obscured by leaves, but Jorge saw 
one of eyes: dark, wide-open, as if 
haunted. Wili put his finger to his lips and 
gestured for him to come forward 

And Jorge floated up through that last 
bit of jungle on his hands and knees, grip- 
ping his pistol tight; and then he peered 
through that final, dense curtain of swol- 
len leaves into the clearing formed by the 
sun-blotting shade of an immense jungle 
ceiba, and he could not believe what he 
saw: At the foot of the huge, dark trunk, 
between gnarled, spread roots, 
like weeds, in black-green, almost phos- 
phorescent light, Ana was straddling an 
enemy soldier, her tail hang 
enemy soldier lay flat on his back, hi 
tionless arms and legs sprawled wide. The 
pants leg of his uniform was cut away and 
his shin was bloodily bandaged. 

They dared not move a muscle. Jorge 
his check involuntarily begin to 
ch. 

Ana raised her head, her black stif- 
fening, and she stepped gingerly off the 
enemy soldier and looked back over her 
houlder at the spot where Jorge and Wili 
were hidden, and her snout was dark with 
blood. 

And blood rose like a small, sloppy 
fountain from the fang-torn hole in thc 
enemy soldicr's throat. 

Shit," whispered Wili, 

Jorge watched in openmouthed, breath- 
less horror as the dog came loping toward 
them. 


clover 


felt 
t 


al nose, 
ig eyes through the leaves, and 
Jorge felt the dog's warm breath on his 
face, and the noise of her panting filled his 


cars. 


hed her bloody, conic 


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It isa very, very special collection of sensual 
aids. Itincludes the finest and most effective 
products available from around the world 
Products that can open new doors to pleasure 
(perhaps many you never knew existed!) 

Our products range from the simple to the 
delightfully complex. They are designed for 
both the timid and the bold. For anyone 
who's ever wished there could be something, 
more to their sensual pleasure. 

If you're prepared to intensify your own 
pleasure, then by all means send for the 
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Write today. You have absolutely nothing 
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‘The Xandria Collection, Dept. PB1186 
P.O. Box 31039, San Francisco, CA 94131 
Please send me, by first class mail, my copy of the 
Xandria Collection catalogue. Enclosed is my check or 
money order for three dollars which will be applied 
towards my first purchase. (US. Residents only). 


Address, 
City. - 


State. 


no 
Laman adult over 21 years of age 


(signature required) 


Xandria, 1245 16th St.. San Francisco. Void where 
prohibited by bw. 


153 


154 


FASTFORWAR 


ol nice-guy Mect Sam 
2. a comedian angry enough to 
make Qaddafi seem like а Rotari; Kinison 
virtually stole a recent HBO young-comedians 
special when he picked up imaginary sand and 
began to scream at an imaginary starving Ethi 
орап. “See this?" he asked. "It's sand. On 
hundred years from now, it will still be sand. 
We have deserts in America: we just don't five in them. Why don't you 
live where the food is?" Its edgy stull—especially for a preacher's 
son. Even David Letterman has mimicked the opening of his ac 
¡ce member who is think: 
to him and tells him, 
1 that, 


comedy? 


ich K ls some hapless aud 
of getting married. Kinison leans close 
"Remember this face.” He then breaks into a scream so tortu 
as Jay Leno has said, “You know this guy has been married.” 


son 


n 


She's been called 1 Village version of 
famed photographer Diane Arbus. Nan 
Goldin, 32, manages to capture moments that 
initially seem mundane but become interesting 
when. “ 


sell, 


ewed through her camera. Using her- 
friends 


nd her lovers as subjects, she 
delves sely per 
sonal world of urban relationships; and in her 
first book, The Ballad of Sexual Dependency—just owt—she captures 
everything from battered women to joyfully copulating couples. "I'm 
ed with documenting my life and the lives of people around 
me,” she says. Her friends have become used to her ever-present cam- 
era. “Being photographed becomes part of the relationship that peo- 
ple have w ntains. “T want to remember every detail 
of what I do, and these photos are my public di 


obsess 


h me,” she ma 


Starting a fourth network is not unlike form- 
ing a third political. party—the fact that it 
always fails never discourages newcomers. Th 
latest attempt is by media tycoon Rupert 
Murdoch, who, after buying 20th Century Fc 
Studios and TV stations in six major markets, 
lized he had both the fa s to make 
shows and a way to get them to 23 percent of 
the country. To turn these assets into an actual network, he hired 
Jamie Kellner, 39, a former CBS exec, as president and chief 
ing officer of Fox Broadcasting Company. Kellner has never г 
network, but he quickly assembled a team of executives and spirited 
Joan Rivers away Irom The Tonight Show (sec this month's Playboy 
Interview) as Fox's first move in becoming a TV competitor. “It will 
take some time before that happens,” Kellner admits, “but when you 
start a venture like this, you have to think very long term.” 


Connoisseurs of teen films still speak rever- 
ently about Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the 
first of the current spate of youth movies to 

human as they could ever 

seem. Fast Times also launched a group of 

unknowns toward stardom, including Sean 

Penn, Judge Reinhold, Phoebe Gates, 

Stoltz, Anthony Edwards and Jennifer Jason 

Leigh. Leigh, 24, got numerous offers of work—typei 
a kid. “Î turned those roles down,” she says, “and made a con- 
scious ellort to choose parts that interested me.” The results hav 
heen eclectic, from The Hitcher to Flesh and Blood to h ent role 
as a hooker in The Men's Club. “Tm drawn to off beat films," she says 
А lot of the scripts that haven't appealed to me have gone on to be 
incredibly successful com 


ke teens secm a 


ast, of course. 


DAVID DOAK» 


the great left hope 


“You've got to keep your opponent off gua 
ır next move before he has a chance to hit you back 
And Doak should know, since Democratic P. 


ye 


aside 
rently 
For 
aged, 
winnin 


first Democrat 


ginia. 
Demo 
m 
rusty, 
Mond; 

“Ап 


27 he explains 


picked up in the courtroom, as a Mi: 


re conserv 


ims David Doak, 38 
rd and mak 


ties is like boxing,” сі 


nsiders 


чу 
st political consultant cur- 
filled rooms 


er him to be the savvi 
working the smok 
example, on campaigns Doak has personally man- 
he has batted a clean 1.000— 
ag states for Jimmy Carter in 1980, and he got the 
16 years elected to a major office in Vir- 
More impressive has been his ability to repackage 
tic candidates and make them appealing to 
ive voters, disassociating them from the 
dated image of a Tip O'Neill or a Walter 
le. 

nknown candidate is like a painter's blank c 
“Whoever can paint his clients ро 
e who's better ol." It's a skill Doak 
souri public 


€ the only 


st is the on 


defender. “I learned what it takes to prove a point of 
view to 12 people. Campaigns are like trials, except you 
have to convince millions." Doak quit practicing lw and 
went into fulltime politics in 1979. “You get more sus- 
tained satisfaction our of campaigning, and you can 
alfecı more things." 

For 1986, his company, Doak, Shrum and Associates, 
has an impressive record so far—the firm's clients went 
three for three in the spring primaries. Maine's Jim 
Tierney and Pennsylvania's Bob Casey both won the 
chance to be the Democratic nominee for govemor in 
November, and Alan Cranston is the Democratic nomi- 
пес for Senator in California. Doak, however, is already 
eying the 1988 Presidential race, which he hopes will 
mt Joe Biden, the up-and- 
m Delaware. 


include his friend and cl 
coming young Senator 

Doak is now hunkering down for the last weeks of the 
tions, a time that he says is equaled only 
by the last 30 seconds of a murder case, when the jury re- 
centers the courtroom to deliver the verdict, “This is 
when everyone pays attention,” he says. “Preparation is 
critical, or it can all slip away from vou. I like to think of 
myself as well prepared.” -SUSAN SQUIRE 


Novembs 


vNILE RODGERS 


platinum prince 


I don't think of myself as an idol maker," says record producer/ 
arranger Nile Rodgers, 34, shrugging, "It's not as if ] work with an 
artist and his career suddenly happens." However, one can casily for- 
ive confused record-company executives for thinking otherwise after 
they consider Rodgers’ platinum-selling encounters with the likes of 
Madonna, Mick Jagger, David Bowie, the Thompson Twins, Duran 
Duran and Grace Jones, not to mention his own success during the 
disco boom as a founder of Chic. One record-company honcho gocs 
as far as to call Rodgers “an insurance policy” that virtually guaran- 
wes a hit album. 

“That puts an enormous amount of pressure on me,” Rodgers 
complains. s seriously as | take my work, I have to tell myself, 
"Look, Nile, it’s only pop music—go in and make the best damn 
record you can and forget all this insurance garbage." 

“Producing an album is like being a football coach or a film dircc- 
tor,” he explains. “You have to get to know the artist outside the stu- 
dio, using vour sensitivity, technique and character to bring out that 
personality in the music. 1 really pride myself on being able to retain 
the artists character 

“My ultimate goal isn't to make records that will last for all time. 
It's much more selfish: to make records that'll make a kid with a box 
to his ear dance down the street feeling good." — STEPHEN REBELLO 


PLAYBOY 


156 


DAVID HOROWITZ continued fom page 111) 


"Marketing sexual products is a megamillion-dollar 


busine. 


s. So you can't turn your back on it.” 


cowboy boots. Fm a cowboy. Not an 
urban cowboy but a real cowboy with a 
real horse. The thing that I enjoy doing 
most, aside from being with my family and 
stuff like that, is spending time alone with 
Caesar, the kissing horse. 1 like to get on 
Caesars back. | have communication 
with that animal that is phenomenal. We 
really have good times together. 1 love my 
horse. | mean, I love my wife and kids, but 
I really love to spend time alone with my 
horse. 


9. 


riavsoy: With your high media profile, 
why don't you run for office? 

norowirz: I wouldn't be as efective as a 
politician, because Га have to be out there 
raising money, taking it from lobbics, Any 
politician who says to me, “I don't take 

speci 

is full ol y all do. I sat next to a guy 
once, someone for whom 1 have absolute 
respect, and I asked him how he felt on an 
i And he said, “I don't feel 

on this issue.” And suddenly he was 
handed an envelope across the table. He 
opened it in front of me, and there was a 
5000, made out to his 
|. “How do you feel about 


money from any 


al-interest groups" 


uc. 


ny way 


the issue now?" He said, “I’m in favor of 


10. 


PLavnoy: Will you ever do commercials? 

нокот: II accept, I'm through. How- 
ever, I'm asked to speak before business 
groups, and they pay me. That's different. 
They don't place any restraints on mc 
And they love it. 175 as though they're a 
bunch of masochists. But they also expect 


me to give them some consultative 

information about how they can improve. 
п. 

т.лувоу: Have you ever been asked to 


nvestigate the claims made by sex-aid 
manulacturers? 
HOROW 


I have had problems on sex 
aids. A guy told me that he had ordered а 
blow-up doll the anatomically cor- 
rect. It had a vibrator in the right area, it 
had breasts that moved, it was heated and 
so on and so forth, He wanted the passive 
model, the blow-up doll with the hands at 
the side. Instead, he got the S/M model, 
with the arms and legs stretched out that 
you can tie down to the bed. And the guy 
was very upset. He went to the company 
and asked 4 


ther his money back or a 


“We were just passing 
by, on our way 10 the Soviet Union to 


ask for economic aid, and we thought, H 


, let's 


drop in on the good old U.S.A.!” 


passive-model doll. It was one of these 
outfits that were operating out of a P.O. 
box somewhere, and the guy got no 
response, We tracked down the operator of 
that company through the Р.О, box num- 
ber, went to the individual concerned and 
said, "This guy is entitled to get his 
passive-model doll or his money back.” 


He got the p: 


ive model 


12. 


maysov: 15 the arca of sex aids one 
really could do with some sort of quality 
control? 

Horowitz: The Direct Marketing Associa- 
„in New York, represents all the legiti- 
mate mail-order companies in the country 
that want to belong. If you ever have a 
problem with a mail-order өшін, whether 
mplain ro the com- 


Us legi Я 
pany first, then go to the D.M.A. If you 
request it, the association will also try to 
get your name off mailing lists. [Write 10 
Mail Order Action Line. D. M.A., 6 East 
43rd Street, New York, New York 10017.] 
The D.M.A. 
sexually oriented-product companies. If 
you don't get your vibrator or your blow 
up doll or your Story of O video cassette or 
your restraints or whatever you order- 
ing, y nplain to the D.M.A. Of 
course, 1 don't know who would тох 
people would be embarrassed to 
“Hey, you know, Г ordered restraints,” or 
“T ordered the knock-down dungeon for 
my closet, and the thing didn't And 
I really would like to either get my money 
back or get the product." We also handle 
problems with exaggerated claims for love 
potions or for the French ticklers that will 
give you 400 percent more satisfaction 
than you're getting now. We do these 
things. but we don't make a point of doing 
them as a way to bring in viewers, [1's a le- 
gitimate concern, because the marketing 
of sexual products is a megamillion-dollar 
business, and there аге legitim 
nies doing it. So you can’t turn your back 
on it. ICs relevant. People use this stull 


13. 


PIAYBOY: Ifyou get a dud audience for your 
show, what do you do to get it going? 

HOROWITZ: D have dud audi 
time. People come to my 
they've waited on line in 95-degree heat 10 
see The Tonight Show. Vhey ve be 
ош. Sometimes, you know, Jol 
fantastic show. They gh the 
sick, and when they come to my show at 
eight o'clock at night, they're wiped out. 1 
have people who love my show and still sit 
there sound asleep. So my producer. Lloyd 
Thaxton, and | warm 
with our Las Vegas lounge act based on 
m. I mean, we tell jokes. We 
comment on the day's consumer news. 1 
ask the audience for questions. They ask. 
Why do you look different made up from 
the way you look normally? You look so 
much better without make-up on." And 1 
say, “Well, the reason for that is 


10w represents some of these 


say, 


те compa- 


aces all the 


show after 


n wrung 


ay has a 
selves 


the audience up 


consumeris 


9 mg. “tar”, 0.8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 


Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. = 


©1986 R.J. REYNOLDS TDBACCO CO. „@ 


‚ТАВ 
LOW TASTE 


CAMEL TA 


PLAYBOY 


158 


make-up guy.” and I bring him out and 
introduce him. "Our make-up guy works 
on this show only on Thursday nights." 
“Where is he the rest of the week?” "Over 
at Forest Lawn 


14, 


erayov: What recent product would make 
our all-time joke list? 

morowriz The diaper bell that detects 
wetness in a baby’s diaper. Can you imag- 
growing up with this? ТІ 
ain. Every time the kid pees as 
an infant, the alarm goes off. So now he 
grows up and doesn’t hear the alarm. He 
absolutely freaks out; he thinks there's 
something wrong with him. He hı 
a bell in his pants in order to go to the 
john. I mean, it's ridiculous. And yet peo- 


s is 


s to have 


ple buy this crap. Stuff like this is sent to 
me all the time. 


15. 


puvuoy: What would you like to have told 
P. T. Barnum? 

Horowitz: That he was underes 
mankind when he said, “There's a suc 
born every minute.” You can break the 
minute down into infinitesimal measure- 
ments, and in each little measurement 
there's a sucker born. People who get 
ripped off have given a little of their self: 
respect away. It's almost like losing at dice 
or roulette. When you lose, you feel like a 
sucker. The real basis of consumer report- 
ing is trying to keep people's self-respect 
intact. The reasons viewers like to watch 
shows such as 60 Minutes or 20/20 or 
Nightline is that they love to see how peo- 
ple get taken and how much of their se 
respect is lost—and they like to sce the 
heroes, the reporters, come back and 
restore it and punish the guilty. 


ng 
er 


16. 


к.лувоу: Tell us about a memorable sales 
tactic that really drove you up the wall. 

HORONITZ: We tested а floor detergent, and 
it flunked. So the guy from the manu- 
fact 


ng company got on the phone to me, 
and he was really pissed. I mean, he w 
pissed! He said, "You so-and-so, want to 
know something? You didn't use the right 
formula for dirt.” And I said, “You're put- 
ting me on. The right formula for diri? 
12” He said, "Our formula for 
at you would find behind a 
refrigerator that hasn't been moved for 
five years. You know, we use a little salad 
oil, some hair, some dust. That's our for- 
mula for dirt.” So I said to the guy, “You 
mean to say that America should have a 
formula for dirt? That your product. will 
work if everyone has the same formula for 
dirt?” Well, the guy got huffy, hung up the 
phone, didn't talk to me for five years and 
went around bad-mouthing me in the 
advertising industry. 


17. 


riaynoy: Do you ever fear for your safety? 
HOROWITZ: Not really. I don't draw kooks 
or nuts, though some corpora у, 
“Hey, let's take care of this guy; let's set 
him up." When we did an exposé a while 
back, onc of the insiders in that company, 
who was our Deep Throat, called our 
officc and said that the head of his com- 
pany was going to get two private dete 
tives "to shadow you to uy to dig up some 
dirt on you." I said, "What kind of dirt do 
they want to dig up?" "Well, to find cut 


whether you're a homosexual." 1 id, 
“Oh, well, there are a lot of homosexuals 
out there. That дое; “Or 


to find out whether you're screwing 
around with another woman, cheating on 


your wife, Or to find out if you're into 
drugs or if you steal or if you're on the 
take—to discredit you.” I said, “Hey, go 


to it. СИ even give them my tax returns, 
which are audited every year. You can 
have anything you want.” That was it 


18. 


тлувоу: Do you have any advice for Ralph 
Nader? 

нокотту: Aside from getting a dillerent 
colored suit and tie? I respect Nader. He 
was my hero when he wrote Unsafe at Any 
Speed. Some of his groups now, such as 
Public Citizen, and his  health-research 
group in Washington, arc doing a fantastic 
job. But Nader has been undercut by all 
those Washington political animals. Now 
he's a consumer advocate in search of a 
cause. And I wish he would loosen up a lit- 
tle bit and go back to being the Ralph 
Nader and do the kind of stuff that he did 
as a muckraker 15 years ago. He’s become 
like a grasshopper, jumping from issue t 
issue to issue rather than really getting 
o something and fighting for it 


19. 


PLAYBOY: You were a Vietnam correspond- 
cnt. Did we get ripped off in Vietnam? 
HOROWITZ: Yes, I went over to Vietnam at 
the age of 26, wanting to sce what war was 
like. I was a student of history and of all 
the great reporters who came out of w 
scenes. | went over there as а hawk and 
came back as the quintessential dove, bc- 
cause I saw the lies. I saw us violating the 
1954 Geneva Accords. 1 saw military advi- 
sors actually fighting. I arrived there 
shortly after E nated, and 1 
saw the beginning of the end. I saw a coun- 
try that really needed a military dictator- 
ship in order to survive; that needed what 
the North Vietnamese were doing in North 
Vietnam. After Diem was assassinated, it 
was kind of like Sodom and Gomorrah. 
There was nothing on which to center the 
culture. There was no government, there 
was no morality, just a hodgepodge of peo- 
g to survive. And Saigon was 

n isolated island compared with the rest 
of Vi im. Pm not saying this on the side 
of the Viet Cong, because the Viet Cong 
were not fun people to deal with. That was 
the other side of it. But what I saw over 
there was a part of history that we should 
not have been involved in 


20. 


PLAYBOY: IF you could be a Disney charac- 
ter for aday, which one would you be? 

mokowrrz: l really like Donald Duck. 
Donald has a personality. I mean, he gets 
emotional [quacks a little], he gets upset. 
Donald Duck is basically a real honest 
guy, a sweet guy, a very trusting guy who 
falls into all these problems because he's 
trying to do something positive. Some of 
the other Disney characters, such as Pluto, 
have the personality of a schlub. But 


Donald's a mensch. 


was assas: 


ORDINARY PEOPLE 


(continued from page 114) 
tape a weck from Precision, “just to have 
on hand for a hot one. 

“Some girls, you don't mention it to 
them, even alter you've slept with them, 
because they think the movies аге anti- 
But others, you can't hold them 
e in the 


wom 


back once you've got a good o 
chine. There's this one, Fire Storm. 


"There's a scene where this girl has three 


id it's made every woman who's 


nd | know 
st-forward 


und all 


one 
exactly where the scene is. I fi 
as if I'm just fooling around. 1 don’t let on 
that I know what Em looking for.” 

Stan has learned 


Now he's on the sixth year of marriage to 
his second wife, Ann, 32; they live with 
their Shih Tzu, Avedon (named for Paul's 
idol, the fashion photographer), in nearby 
Oak Park. 

Five years ago, Paul bought a VCR and 
suggested to Ann that they rent X-rated 
movies. “She rooted me on but insisted 1 
would have to be in charge of going out 
and getting them 

Ann also makes Paul pick up batteries 
for her vibrator, as well as for her girl- 
friends’. “1 feel silly going into stores asl 
ing for such things," Ann says later. “1 
don't want to put myself in a situatic 
where Um Little Miss Feminine gomg 
through a rack of dirty films, with guys 
making dirty jokes. It even embarrasses 


and one of her favorite fashion magazines 
Vogue or Mademoiselle. VM have a couple of 
Scotches and a copy of млуноу or Pent- 
house. After an hour or so, ГИ say, “Hey, I 
rented a new movie, and she'll tell me, 
"Great; put icon Га watch them any 
time, but she has to be in the mood." 

Once the film is on, “I get hornier soon- 

y he docs," says Ann. "We start 
playing with each other about 20 minutes 
into it, and we never get through the whole 
film—though if were both really cx 
hausted from work that day, we may get 
lazy and usc the vibrator. 

“Paul's learned stuff, too. At first, he 
kept bringing home John Holmes movies 
just because he's so big, but I explained 
that it's the whole person who gets to me. 

Fm not just into a 


through experience size thing. Holmes is 
до preview the films too skinny, and | 
before trying. them don't like his face; it 
out on dates. "Cer- always looks the 
things turn Ӯ, same. I I saw that 
OE inne OU cant ur OVE “амен 
like obnox- where, 1 wouldn't 
ious men with big look twice. Any 


cigars or too many 


or bourbon. 


creep on the street 


lesbian scenes o can stick a big one 
especially, scenes into а woran; bul 
where the woman in . that’s not what docs 
the movie doesn't есі our: on it. It’s the way he 
like whats happen- e wraps his arms 
ing to her, Anything around you, the way 


like that and the 
mood is ruined and 
you won't get laid, 
even if she started 
being real 
excited at the idea оГ 
ш а ilm." 
is careful to 
= or four 
stacked. next 
to the УСК. and 
only one of them is 
X-rated. The others 
are just 
movies, so it looks 
like a natural asso 
t of things 
VCR is pur- 
posely not in the 
bedroom: "les all 
part of the natural 
Несі U try to get. You're a lot more likely 
to get a girl to say Sure” to a porn film if 
she's sitting on the living-room couch, It 
doesn’t seem as obvious as if you were in a 
bedroom.” Stan usually pops the que 
this way: “ 
My sister and br 
all the time, and she said this was a 
good one.” Stan, of course, has no sister. 
Eleven a: Porn films have long been а 
part of Paul Leone's recreational-activities 


ош 


те 


Th 


roster. Now a strapping 42-year-old 
ex-varsity football player, he works vari- 
ously as an account executive, a music 


producer and a photographer. He and his 
first wile. whom he married at 18, used to 
watch eight-millimeter stag films together 


8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky. 


KENTUCKY STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISKEY AUSTIN NICHOLS DISTILUNGCO, LAWRENCEBURG KY © 1986 


me to be in the grocery store with Paul, 


who has a loud voice, when he asks me, 
‘Honey, do we have this PLAYBOY at 
home?” 


The Leones, who watch porn films t 
times а week, prefer to sec “straight stuff 
and threesomes with two girls and one 
guy.” The latter, Paul exp 
mutual fantasy that every once in a while 
they contemplate carrying out in 
but as vet, they've always “chi 
ош.” On X-rated nights, they follow a rit- 
ual: “First we gotta relax. We're both й 
sales [Ann, an ex-model, sells cosmetics i 
fashionable department store], and it 
сап get pretty tri ous out there, 
Paul. "Ann likes to unwind with a 


a 


joint 


he makes it special, 
his voice, how much 
passion he shows. 
TI take John Les- 


lie or Jamie Gillis 
over Holmes апу 
day. 

Paul — estin 


that BÓ perce: 
their lovemal 


ng ds 
accompanied by a 


porn movie. “lt was 
good before," says 
Ann, “and now 


ivs even better. You 
find yourself getting 
more — passionate 
from the sights and 
sounds of people on 
the screen" Ann 
and Paul never have 
friends over to watch X films, “There's 
и a couple 1 know that I'd be comfort- 
able watching a dirty movie with. IVs too 
intimate," Aun says. 
One of the couple s favorite films to date 
is The History of Blue Movies. “I loved it; 
Ann says, “because it wasn't fake; it was 
actual footage of real people, and it all 
seemed so innocent. In the early sc 
people wore bloomers and their hair in 
buns, and they were fucking and it looked 
really funny but also really erotic, . . . 
There was a scene in the Sixties with a 
woman just talking about what turns her 
She's wearing that heavy blue eve 
shadow of that era and a hippie long skirt, 
and she's got long hair, and her legs are 


159 


160 


A SURVEY FROM THE HEARTLAND 


the results of our own x-rated exit poll 


Most scientific research on people 
who watch X-rated movies takes place 
in labs. People are hooked up to ma- 
chines that measure various responses 
from arousal to discomfort. Well, 99.9 
percent of the millions of men and 
women who rent X-rated movies every 
year are watching them at home, 
hooked up only to their erotic impulses 
and their curio: 

When Susan Squire spent the месі 
end at Precision Video & Audio in 
Bellwood, Illinois, talking with people 
who rent X-rated movies, we also left a 
one-page questionnaire with the ом 
ers to give out to anyone who wanted to 
respond. We got back 109—77 from 
men and 32 from women. 

‘The answers were revi 
films are clearly a couples’ activi 
percent of the men and 59 percent of 
the women who rented tapes said they 
were married, Whatever their marital 
status, almost no respondents said they 
watched the films alone: 57 percent of 
the men and 50 percent of the women 
said they watched with a spouse; 13 
percent of the men and 22 percent of 
the women watched with their lov: 

Why do we watch. X-rated movies? 
То develop callous attitudes? Sorry, no: 
69 percent of the men and 59 percent of 
the women said that they watched to 
become sexually stimulated, which 
probably explains the answers to the 
question we naturally asked next. 
About half of the men and women said 
that watching such movies always led to 
sex, and almost as many said it usually 
led to sex. 

We wondered if the movies ever рго- 
duced negative reactions. Surprisingly, 
48 percent of the men said they had felt 
denigrated by adult films, compared 
with 19 percent of the women. About 
half of the women said that they had 
felt disgusted or depressed. As for the. 
theory that porn leads to hostility or 
violence, only two percent of the men 
said they had ever felt hostile alter see- 
ing an X-rated movie, and not one man 
said he had been violent (one woman, 
however, admitted to violence). 

Тіс Reverend Donald Wildmon 
likes to say that erotic movies arc harm- 
ful to relationships. The people who 
actually use them disagree: The over- 
whelming majority of men and women 
said that those films are not harmful. 

Feminists often charge that porn 
films present an unrealistic view of sex. 
Not according to the people who watch 
them: 57 percent of the men and 56 
percent of the women said the films 


were realistic. In an odd turnaround, 
though, 56 percent of the women and 
48 percent of the men also admitted 
that films might create unrealistic 
expectations of sex—but until you try 
what you sce, you don’t know whether 
or not it’s unrealistic, 

In general, the good news is that 
erotic films work. Two questions cen- 
tered on spreading the news. And here 
an odd difference between the sexes 
emerged. 

Nice girls don’t—tell, that is. Almost 
87 percent of the men said their friends 
knew they watched X-rated cassettes. 
Only 59 percent of the women had told 
friends. About 84 percent of the men 
id they did not feel guilty about 
watching X-rated cassettes: only 59 
percent of the women made that claim. 
This is private entertainment. 

And sexual stereotypes emerged in 
one other area of questioning. Women 
have always been the gatekeepers of 
sex, men the initiators—in other 
words, he says please and she says yes 
A large minority of the people we sur- 
veyed (48 percent of the men and 38 
percent of the women) said it was the 
man who decided to watch the film and 
chose which film to watch. However, 
almost a third of the women said the 
decision was the woman's, and 28 per- 
cent said it was mutual. The women 
may have thought that the decision was 
theirs, but 44 percent of the men said it 
was mutual. Only five percent of the 
men said the women decided. We can 
see a lot of arguments starting out there 
n video land. 

Some critics have said that porn 
movies are a symptom of sexual dis- 
tress, that they reflect a cultural ma- 
laisc, a loss of desire. 


Nonsense. Almost 84 percent of the 
men and 69 percent of the women who 
rented tapes said they were satisfied 


with their sex lives, and since 58 per- 
cent of the men and 40 percent of the 
women are making love more than once 
a week, we can see why. 

Are X-rated cassettes addicti! 
Nineteen percent of the women and 13 
percent of the men said they watched 
every day, which means that erotica is 
slightly less habit-forming than soap 
operas. More than half of the men and 
28 percent of the women indulge 
weekly; 34 percent of the women and 23 
percent of the men settle for a monthly 
night in. 

Ordinary pleasures aren't always 
dull. 


2 


spread and she's ta 
with herself, There м 
showed a little struggle, a woman who 
didn't want to go down on this guy, and all 
her emotions were written оп her face, 
Then another woman com 1 and starts 
going down on the guy, and the first girl 
gets jealous and pushes tlie second one off 
and docs it herself. It was exciting, 
because it could happen to you in real life 
You don't want to do it, maybe, but you 
like the guy and some other girl comes in 
and you're damned if you're going to let 
lier do it instead of you 

Noon: Tim Perry, 36, and wife Susie, 29, 
are from Moline, Illinois, a few hours from 
Bellwood. They had business to do in Chi- 
cago and, on their way back, they stopped 
at Precis as they often do, to check out 
the porn selection. “Where we live, there's 
not too much choice,” says Tim. Both 
come from “very repressed” Midwestern 
Protestant backgrounds, and one of the 
reasons they enjoy watching porn films a 
couple of times a month is that “secing 
people who like hay makes me real- 

€ that it’s good," says Tim. “Pm always 
trying to get over what I was taught, that 
is dirty if it gives you pleasure.” 
They started watching porn at the 
beginning of their five-year marriage, a 
Tim’s instigation. They scarch for films 
that will accommodate their differing 
tasics: Susie can't get enough of wate 
"blond, blue-eyed guys" (Tim has dub 
hair and da eyes), while Tim likes to see 
"busty women” (Susie is not well en- 
dowed). Still, ^what it boils down to is 
good-looking people enjoying life and sex, 
whether or not it's all an act. It gives me a 
feeling of freedom,” says Tim. 

“I can shut off the voice іп my head that 
says you're condemned to hell if you enjoy 
it for one minute,” adds Susic. 

Tim feels that it's OK to watch pc 
films with a woman as long as you're ma 

ied to her, "but if you were just dating 
someone, it would be too threatening. She 
would think that was all you wanted.” 

Both Perrys are fascinated by the people 
who act in the films. They're curious 
about the players’ double life. “Do they go 
home to a husband or wife; and if they do, 
aren't they too tired to have sex with 
them?” Susie wonders. 

Tim can't get over the fact that “beaut 
ful, desirable women do it for a living. Pd 
Ке to know their lifestyle and how they 
were brought up. To know that they're 
clean, intelligent, int 


g dirty and playing 
nother scene that 


EN Garl 

ad air and a crisp, close haircut. He has 
come to Precision to rent his monthly pori 
tape. Carl hasn't had a woman in a long 
time, though he'd like to for the compan- 
ionship as well as the sex. But he's been 
wiped out emotionally and sexually since 
his last girlfriend betrayed him with а 
nd of his and left him, three years ago. 
"It doesn’t matter what film I get here,” 
arl says. “1 do it only to sce if my 


equipment still working.” 

Two rw: Phillip King, a 39-year-old 
physician, is dressed, in a blazer and 
slacks, nally than the rest of Ps 
cision's Saturday clientele. He and his 
wife, Molly, a psychiatric nurse, saw thei 
first porn film together while still in 


college— were called 
art films.” 
Married 17 years, they consider them- 


selves discerning consumers who view 
for “entertainment, not 
We've been to nudist camps 
and made love all over the house, but an X 
film hasn't had anything to do with th 
W regular TV programing is “particularly 
mediocre on a given day and we want a 
change of pace,” Phillip may flick on a 
porn film on his VER, located in the basc- 
ment rec room. Sometimes, the film will 
provide the focal point of an evening with 
friends—“a sort of modern substitute for 
nir bridge.” 
ip is usually the one who selects the 


ms at Precision, because Molly “would 
be 100 embarrassed te) do it,” As a black 
man, he'd like to see “more regular black 


folk— Pm tired of seeing Сац 
ples banging it’s some blac 
stud, like Johnny Ke Бе (каста re 


most of these films arc m E for the sexual 
fantasies of middle-class white males." 
Phillip often comes in to Precision with 
his teenaged son, and although he doesn't 
attempt to hide the type of cassette he's 
renting, li s he "wouldn't feel right 
about watching onc of these movies with 
my son. But he doesn’t seem interested, 
anyw that 1 may have a real 
weirdo on my hands, because all he wants 
to sec on the VCR is violence. Maybe he 
should be looking at sex instead.” 
Two forty-five тм: Maggie Leary, 30, 
and Donna Pines, 32, are hunting for the 
“perfect porn mov 
day afternoon. Tomorrow, their boyfriends 
are going to a football game with thc hus- 
band of th friend Jennifer. It was 
Jennifer's idea to have them rent a film 
and take it to her place—she’s the onc 
with the VCR. The plan, says Maggie, is 
to drink screwdrivers, “get high and goof 
on these things, then jump on our be 
ends’ bones when they get back from 
their game. The guys think it's a great 
idea.” 
Jennifer, the only one of the trio who i: 
Qt an X-ratcd-movic virgin, can't be at 
Precision, because she works Saturdays as 
a restaurant hostess, but she’s made the 
selections in absentia. “Jenny says there's 
usually too many women in these movies, 
so the best ones to get with lots of men are 
The Dancers, which is about male strip- 
pers, and a new one called Stud Hunters, 
whic n photographer 
who naked men,” says 
they get to the glass 


I мог 


about a 
photographs 


wor 


“Some of the pictures look great. That 
опе over there looks really good, in fact,” 


Donna says, pointing to Raw Talent, 
“Let's stick to what Jenny said," Mag- 
gie insists. "Remember, she told us the 
pictures lie, and if we go by them, well 
end up with something stupid or with just 
* They are still staring into the 


case 15 


Three-thirty rt: Morgon, 29, 
an assistant bank manager and the mother 
of a four-year-old daughter, is rocking 
back and forth in her red-laced blue tennis 
shoes in (тол the X-rated case. She's 
nishing up a Saturday afternoon of 
errands, and Precision is her last stop. 
Shell get a kiddie film for her daughter 
and a porn film for herself and her hu 
nd, John, 32, who works in the same 
ank as she does. "Usually, we come in 
together to select these things once a week, 
but he's busy toda: 
made a bad choicc— "something with ani- 
mals in it; we turned it off right away"— 
but other than that, "it's been a good 
thing for us, especially me.” 

Theresa explains, “I never really saw 
why people like sex so much. I’m not too 
relaxed. with it. It embarrasses me. But 
there's something about these 
good ones, that helps me loosen up. I pre- 
tend to be the girl in the movie, as long as 
the girl is Marilyn Chambers or Sek: 

“Terry never refuses me sexually,” 
says later, “but it’s hard to be making lov 
to someone who wishes she were doing 
something else. With the right movie, she’s 
able to lose her hang-ups a little. I was sur- 
prised she would even watch one, the first 
time, but I think she really wants to want 
sex, and that’s why she tried it. It was her 
idea. It was the day we got our VCR, last 


.” she says. Once, they 


novies, the 


more?? . 


she wanted to sec 


summer, and she sai 
what a sex movie was like 

Their first movie was Behind the Green. 
Door, the Marilyn Chambers classic of the 
carly Seventies, involving a languorous 
kidnaping, a big black stud and lots of pri- 
apic men lowered on wapezes for Cham- 
bers’ consumption. According to Sid, the 
store doesn't. recommend Door. to 
phytes, because "it's a little rough for fi 
timers," but Terry had a friend who'd 
it in a theater and liked it. The Mor 
have rented it three times. 

John likes scenes of mutual « 
while Theres: le is to sec women 
on top of men. ге the most com- 
mon scenes in these movies, so we both get 
juiced,” notes John. Do they play copycat? 

Nah. Its still straight mi 
1 don't like her to be on top, 
doesn't like any kind of oral sex." 

Five ем: Claudia and Robert arri 
return Sex World before the store closes at 
“We really liked it.” Claudia is clearly 
“Tt put us in the mood to 


neo- 


sex, 


h,” agrees Robert, “but we were 
just about to start when our daughter 
came home early and we had to hide the 
tape. It was one night when we hoped 
she'd miss her cu but she's such a 
good girl. And now we have to give back 
the VCR.” 

Sex World definitely won't. be the last 
adult film for Robert and Claudia. “We 
made a decision to get a VCR for the 


few, 


whole family this Christmas instead of 
presents for each person,” says Robert. 
“Santa's coming,” says Claudia. 


с we could get by on less and they could use 
. Hey! What side of this bed did you gel up on?" 


161 


Show her the kind of forever you want (о give her. 


You always want her to 
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fitting place to begin. So let it be 
a diamond of the highest quality. 

"Today, that means spending 


about 2 months’ salary. 

So take your time. See a 
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Cut, color, clarity and carat- 
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After all, this is the one 
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A diamond is forever. 


in d 


Is 2 months' salary too much to spend 


for something that lasts forever? 


SKIN GAME 


(continued from page 93) 
or proceed very cautiously, as you risk 
spreading the infection by rubbing your 
face.) 

Many exfoliants are on the market, but 
quite abrasive—ground apricot 
hulls or nutshells—and are likely to red- 
den or tear the skin. Gentle effectiveness, 
not sanding, is the aim. The following 
home treatment will suffice until you've 
found a product in your drugstore or skin- 
care salon that suits you. 

Table salt without iodine (not coarse or 
kosher salt) works, because, unlike most 
available exfoliants, it melts 
becomes too abrasive. Cleanse your skin 
be ting, and the 
into your palm and use a damp finger to 
apply it to the skin. 

Avoid the areas around your eyes and 
lips and use light, circular motions over 
your face, neck and chest until the salt 
melt 


some 


before it 


эге exlolia 


pour some salt 


remoistening your fingers as you 


wor 

Do not rub too hard, and don't stay in 
any one spot too long. Keep moving your 
hand over your entire face and neck, 


8 
well as behind your cars. Continue adding 
small amounts of salt as it dries or is 
absorbed. 

Rinse thoroughly afterward, and follow 
with an ice cube run lightly and quickly 
over exfoliated areas (optional). Then add 
a thin layer of moisturizer if you have 
normal-to-dry skin 

Try exfoliation all over—skin isn't just 
on your face and neck. I often suggest that 
couples treat each other to а massage var- 
iation by exfoliating cach other's backs. It 
has all the sensuous pluses of a massage, 
as well as a skin-cleansing bonus. 

For a full salon treatment, follow exfol 
tion with a mask. Masks are generally 
either Indrating, to replenish and feed the 
skin, or tightening, to absorb oils and tem- 
porarily firm the pores. Clay or mud 
asks are often designed for normal-to- 
oily skin, while brands with h 
tent are suitable for normal-to-dry 
shed on and peeled 
off АП varieties aid in removing dead skin 
cells, 
nap, a ten-minute mask has been known to 
work wonders in restoring (at least for the 
afternoon or evening) vigor and firmness 
to skin punished by lack of sleep or life's 
minor vices 


avy oil con- 


Some 
masks can even be br 


nd il you don't have time for a cat 


FOR GENTLEMEN ONLY 


Here's а quick rundown on yo 
skin-care needs: 
Shaving: Never shave when your skin is 


specific 


y. Unsoftened whiskers are like wire; but 
when softened by warm water or steam, 
they'll absorb one third of their weight 
Their expansion reduces the force nece: 
ing less irritation 
Right after showering is an ideal time to 


sary for shaving —me 


shave. If that’s not possible, at least give 
your face a two-to-four-minute preshave 
soaking by splashing with tepid water and 

Commercial preshaves 


astringent—one to lubri- 


cleansing. lotion 
are ейһег oily or 
cate, the other to dry and stillen the hair. 
Choose one compatible with your skin 


e dr 
чип full of emollients. If your skin is 
use a lather (such as mentholated 
m) that bas an antigreasing formula. 
You may also lather up with your regular 
mild face soap. 

Use short, light, minimal strokes when 
shaving. Work in the direction of growth 
‘or some men, this may mean a number of 
patches veering olf in slightly different 
directions, particularly on the neck. Don't 
make the mistake of thinking that going 
against the grain gets more of the whisker; 
instead, you're iner 
getting ingrown hairs. Pulling the skin too 
taut while shaving can likewise cause 
whiskers to spring back into the skin. 


skin, choose a shaving 


asing your chances of 


Save the most sensitive or contoured 
arcas (sucb as the chin) for last. When 
you've finished, rinse thoroughly and pat 
dry instead of rubbing your face with a 
towel. 

If you suller from razor burns or rash, 
cube over your face quickly and 
with even pressure. Avoid styptic pencils; 
the ingredients have been known to scar 


run an ice 


some men. 

Ifyou shave with an electric razor, use a 
pre-electrie shave, which has a high alco- 
hol content to make the whiskers stand on 
end, as well as lubricating oils to allow the 
razor to glide. You should still soften the 
skin by washing first and rinse off thor 
oughly after shaving. Hf you have normal- 
to-oily skin, finish with an astringent to 
remove any traces of (һе pre-electric 


shave 

IF vou shave twice a day, try to use an 
electric razor at least once to reduce the 
chances of irritation. 

Ifyou have problem skin, try both blade 
and electric razors to see which best avoids 
nicking pimples. Somc men grow a beard; 
others find that that only aggravates the 
trouble. In any case, give yourself a 
breather as often as possible by letting 
your beard grow on weekends. Rinse with 
cold water after shaving (ice particularly 
irritated sections to reduce redness or 


swelling) and finish with an astringent 
Black men, and those with very curly 
hair, are especially bothered by shaving 
bumps—inflammations of the hair folli- 
cles that can casily tum into ingrown 
hairs. The coarse hair curls backward and 
nters the skin. In severe cases, your 
dermatologist may recommend elec- 
trolysis—a method of using a needle and 
electrical current to zap individual follicles 
and eventually destroy the hair bulb. A 
(concluded on page 166; see sidebar on page 165) 


Biddle, Inc. 1986 


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PLAYBOY’S GUIDE TO SAVING FACE 


A staggering array of new skin-care products for men has forev: 
changed what the well-dressed face is wearing. Here's our buyer's guide 
(all prices Approximate). 


С) PACKAGEDEALS С 


Start out with the basics: cleanser, toner, moisturizer. Each of these 
lines provides everything from soaps to masks. Begin a no-frills regimen 
with the products designed specifically for your skin type and add 
foliants and тазі 
Clinique: Allergy- tested, Face soap (S8.50/six 
ounces); Scrulling Lotion, ап exfoliant (Sb. 50/six ounces); M Lotion, a 
nongreasy moisturizer ($9.50/two ounces). Plus: Cream Shave, Ғасс 
Scrub, Non-Streak Bronzer, Touch Stick (for blemishes) 

Requisites, by Royal Copenhagen: Special products for all skin types 
Oily $ Cleansing Lotion (511/6.5 ounces); Oi in Moisturizer 
($14/1.6 ounces). Plus: Dry Skin Cleansing Cream, Dry Skin Moisturizer, 
Deep Pore Cleanser. 

Lancôme: Programme Homme includes Gel Moussant Visage, an oil- 
z gel with emollients ($10/4.9 ounces); Fluide Protecteur 
ng lotion ($17.50/3.4 ounces). 
wart: Normal-to-oily and normal-to-dry formulas. Combines 
shaving and cleansing procedures to help men avoid double washing 
Cleansers: Herbal Shaving/Cleansing Creme ($10/four ounces), normal- 
Collagen Shaving/Cleansing Creme ($10/four ounces), normal-to- 
dry oners: Eucalyptus Alter Shave/Astringent ($10/four ounces), 
normal-to-oily; Aloe After Shave/Toner ($10/four ounces), normal-to-dr 
plus many other products. 

The Gruene Natural Skincare and Shaving System: A simple, four-step 
program that comprises Daily Cleansing Scrub ($11.50/four ounc 
Aloe Cream Shave ($7/four ounces); Aloe Aftershave, an alcohol-free 
toner ($8.50/four ounces); and Moisture Formula, a greaseless lotion 
($14/two ounces). 

Skin Maintenance for Men, from Paco Rabanne of Paris: This compr 
hen: line includes Cleansing Bar ($12/5.3 ounces); Facial Toner C2 
($15/3.4 ounces); Facial Scrub СІ ($15/1.7 ounces); and Maintaining 
Color Tone E2, to promote outdoor color while protecting you from sun 
and weather exposure ($22/1.7 ounces). Dr. Fernando Aleu, president of 
the company, has also developed the Discipline Skin Care line for men and 
women, which includes Only Soap ($8) and other products. 

Lauder for Men: A line that includes Daily Cleansing Bar ($10/five 
ounces); Face Scrub ($9.50/three ounces); Close-Shave Cream ($7 50/lour 
nces); Skin Comfort Lotion ($12.50/1.75 ounces); and Cle; 

"Tonic ($9.50/six ounces). 


_ — — FINISHING TOUCHES Cn 


Once you've made a cleansc/tone/moisturize rou 
you may want to experiment with specialty items. 
Lip Relief, by Requisites: Nongreasy, with jojoba oil ($8/1.2 ounces) 
Eye Wrinkle Control Gel, by Requisites: Special conditioning lor eye arca 
($15/.5 ounc 
Enzyme Derma Layering Powder, by Nance Mitchell: Activated by 
water, this not e exfoliant sloughs off dead skin cells, makes expres- 
sion lines less crisp ($40/1.5 ounces). 
Moist Skin Lotion, by Nance Mitchell: О 
lent after-shave ($12/two ounces). 
Mousse à Raser “Extraordinai 
ing mousse ($10.50/5.25 ounces). 
Teint Sport, by Lancöme: Sport 
en ($10/1.7 ounces) 


re 


free clean: 


second nature, 


ight, with sun sereen. 


by Lancöme: An emollient-rich shav- 


t gel with moisturizers and sun 


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166 


number of sessions аге usually necessary, 
depending upon the hair texture and the 
of the area, but it can be expensive and 
timc consuming, and there's no guarantee 
that it will work. 

After-shaves: Don't splash too much aft- 
er-shave and cologne on your face. Both 
products are loaded with alcohol, and you 
may be aging your lower face and neck be- 
yond their ycars. 

Many fragrance-free shaving gels and 
balms now come with moisturizers and 
cmollients (some in casy-to-use pump bot- 
tles) for those with normal-to-dry sl 
Tales, meanwhile, absorb oils and perspi- 
ration on the skin. But don't overdo, or 
you'll lock as if your face has been floured. 
Тоо much can also clog pores. 

No sweat: Sweating is a skin cleanser 
rather than a skin clogger. Perspirati 
ап excretion of mostly water, various salts 
and minerals and acidic waste products. 
Although women actually have more 
sweat glands than men, men sweat more 
out of fewer glands. The problems—from 
odor to breakouts—start when sweat left on 


the skin triggers a bacterial build-up. 

Your athleticwear is another bacte: 
breeding ground; anywhere that moisturc 
is trapped is susceptible. Change clothing 
and towels as often as you work out, and 
wear socks with a lining of polypropylenc 
that will absorb perspiration. Common- 
sense cleanliness—a shower and thorough 
drying after exercise—should do the tric 
but if you're still troubled by odor or nerv- 
ous sweating, use talcum powder to dry 
problem arcas. 


COLD-WEATHER CONSIDERATIONS. 


Harsh winter conditions and artificial 
indoor heating can result in severe drying. 
"There's a natural loss of moisture when it's 
cold, because the air can't hold the humid- 
ity. You can combat this by buying a 
humidificr and turning down the hcat. 
Most office buildings аге terribly over- 
hcated in winter. 

Wash your facc less frequently in winter, 
and although long, hot showers are tempt- 
ing during a cold snap, try to limit them. 
Excess washing strips your skin of its natu- 


ral oils. You may also need a heavier mois 
turizer (han you would usc in summer, 
Don't lick your lips to moisten them; that 
only compounds chapping. Carry a lip 
balm instead 

When skiing, protect yourself with 
warm clothing and moisturizers that con- 
tain sun screen. 


PROBLEM AREA: 


Acne is primarily a genetically and hor- 
monally caused affliction, with men more 
apt than women to sufler severe cases. Diet 
has long been a scapegoat, but current re- 
scarch has shown that food shouldn't be 
accorded the lion's share of blame. Every- 
one reacts differently to specific foods; 
chocolate or seafood, to namc two of thc 
oli-blamed, may trigger a reaction in one 
person but not another. (Coflee, alcohol, 
tea and spicy foods, however, have been 
credited of late with inducing acne rosacea, 
a form of adult acne.) 

It's difficult to com 


incc acne suflerers 


that overdoing treatment exacerbates thei 
problem, because a “more is better” 
ev: to an insidious de- 


gree—if some washing or drying agent 
works, then using more will mean a faster 
cure, But too much drying traps the infec- 
tion under your skin. Since the oil and 
debris cannot be exuded through the 
porcs, they spread around underncath. 
And scrubbing too hard or too frequently 
can break pustules open and spread the 
bacteria. 

Bathroom surgery, or pore squeczing, 
also a sure-fire way to push the bacteri 
deeper. Keep your hands off your face. 
Consult a dermatologist for proper treat- 
antibiotics, 
ents or anti-inflammatory 
injections. If your problem is severely cys 
ic, ask him or her about Accutane, an oral 
treatment related to vitamin A that has 
had remarkable results іп many cases. 
Make sure your doctor advises you of the 
drug’s side effects. 


THE SEXUAL CONNECTION 


"There's quite a debate raging over how 
much stress and emotional well-being 
haye to do with skin, particularly regard- 
ing acne; and while their effects may vary 
from person to person, Гуе seen many 
cases in which a divorce, severe job pres- 
sure or other personal trauma reflected 
directly on the way a man looked. 

There have been experiments in which 
groups with skin problems were divided 
cqually, with half being sent to dermatolo- 
gists and half to psychologists —and both 
groups demonstrated equal recovery rates. 
Гус also noticed that men who embark on 
a healthy and happy sex life and satisfy: 
personal relationships can actually correct 
a skin problem. Carry yourself with a good 
attitude, learn to handle stress and keep 
reaffirming that you're attractive. Not only 
will it work wonders for your skin, it will 
bolster your demeanor and sense of self- 
confidence. 


ory, тар, 
EX IN CINEMA 
(continued from page 137) 
wages of sin? 

There have been other throwbacks. 
Police Academy: Back in Training is pre- 
cisely as gross as its predecessors, but the 
third time around, no one seemed to care. 
Reform School Girls features Wendy O. 
Williams, Sybil Danning and the obliga- 
tory shower-room sequence—in which, 
inexplicably, Wendy and Sybil don't 
appear—parodying all those carlier epics 
about nubile tarts behind bars. Smooth 
Talk, based on a Joyce Carol Oates story, 
is conventional but memorable for a lim- 
pid, perceptive performance by Laura 
Dern (daughter of Bruce) as a 15-ycar-old 
girl whose sexual awakening is accelerated 
by a swaggering stranger (Treat Wil- 
liams). The camera, however, records this 
virgin's moment of truth by showing us an 
empty convertible parked in a meadow— 
the defloration is presumably under way 
out of sight in the tall grass. So much for 
the strong stuff. The titles told just about 
everything junior Jacks and Jills needed to 
know about High School, Wimps, Valet 
Girls, Class of Nuke “Ет High (more toxic 
avenging), Girls School Screamers and Siz- 
zle Beach U. , movies probably des- 
tined to be rushed into the video-tape 
stores after pit stops at local dri 

For the over-30 crowd, infidelity has 
been a recurrent plot theme, perhaps con- 
veying a subversive hint that all is not so 
well in our holier-than-thou soc - Both 
Heartburn and Down and Out in Beverly 
Hills make marital hanky-panky а pivotal 
issue. So does Woo Men's Hannah and 
Her Sisters, a cunningly orchestrated and 
superbly acted human comedy about 
many urban foibles, including those of 
Hannah (Mia Farrow), her errant mate 
(Michael Caine) and her sister (Barbara 
Hershey), with whom he’s having an 
allair. Just Between Friends co-stars Chris- 
tine Lahti and Mary Tyler Moore as two 
women whose palship is strained when the 
newly widowed housewife (М.Т.М.) dis- 
covers that her closest friend was her late 
husba па lover. In Twice in a Lifetime, 

© Hackman plays a 50-year-old steel 
who takes up with an attractive 
(Ann-Margret), dumping his 
mid-life crisis squarely into the laps of his 
loyal wife (Ellen Burstyn) and family. One 
compelling sequence of the post-World 
War Two drama Desert Bloom lands Jon 
Voight in hand-to-hand combat on the 
home front when his wife (JoBeth Wil- 
liams) learns he has made a pass at her 
slinky ). There's а 
quick-a ty at the very 
et of Violets Are Blue, with Sissy Spa- 
е as youngsters just out 
of school. And that's as blue as it gets visu- 
ally, even though years later, Sissy, now a 
world-famous photojournalist, returns to 
woo Kline away from his wife (Bonnie 
Bedelia). None of these films depicts its 
adulterers flagrante delicto, but all did, ай 


To taste the noticeable difference this hard maple charcoal makes. have а sip of Jack Daniel's someday. 


WOODSMEN DROP IN from all around 
"Tennessee carrying loads of hard maple for 
Jack Daniel's. 


It has to be hard sugar maple taken from high 
ground. Our gateman will direct it to che 
rickyard where it's split, sacked and burned into 
charcoal. And nothing smooths out whiskey 
like chis hard maple charcoal does. Of course, 
none of these woodsmen 
work regular hours. So you 
never know when they'll 
drop in. But after a sip of 
Jack Daniel's, you'll know 


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CHARCOAL MELLOWED FOR SMOOTHNESS 


167 


PLAYBOY 


168 


least briefly, lure substantial numbers of 
adults away from the home wreckers at 
work on Dynasty and Falcon Crest. 

Gay love stories, treated with heart- 
warming humor and maturity, emerged 
as another major trend of 1986. Direc- 
tor Bill Sherwood's Parting Glances 
asserted itself as a stunning, outspoken 
sleeper about a homosexual couple in 
Manhattan. Facing a temporary separa- 
tion, Michael and Robert shower together, 
visit friends (most notably, a sardonic 
chum who is stricken with AIDS), go to a 
party and clear up some of the mixed sig- 
nals that befog the air between all lovers, 
gay or straight. "There's less subtlety in 
producer-director Donna. Deitch's Desert. 
Hearts, a lesbian romance set on a dude 
ranch near the divorce mills of Re- 
. Sometimes overwrought, sometimes 
downright corny, Hearts also has a tenta- 
tive touchy-feely love scene that gets right 
under the skin of its female protagonists. 
In this finely tuned tango for two excep- 
tional actresses, Helen Shaver plays the 
uptight Eastern divorcee reluctantly at- 
tracted to a vivacious change girl (Patricia 
Charbonneau) from one of the local casi- 
nos. Their graceful scenes together make 
up for a few clumsy moves elsewhere. 

The homosexual lovers in My Beautiful 
Laundrette, made in England and cleaning 
up on both sides of the Atlantic, have no 
statement to make about alternative life- 
styles. Their matter-of-fact romancing is 
merely a fringe benefit of an impudent 
comedy more often concerned with the 
way Pakistani immigrants adjust to Lon- 
don, where one of the lads (Gordon War- 
necke) takes over a run-down coin-wash 


joint and invites his punk paramour (Dan- 
iel Day Lewis) to help. 

Far and away the most blithely sophisti- 
cated gay film of the year is Dona Herlinda 
and Her Son. Made in Mexico, where it 
still has not opened commercially, the 
movie drolly spells out the play-by-play 
manipulations of a placid, wealthy matron 
who refuses to despair over the fact that 
her doctor son, Rodolfo, has a male lover. 
Dona Herlinda invites the boy to live with 
them. She also arranges for her son to тесі 
a nice girl, marry and father a child, then 
adds wings to her house so that everyone 
can be happy in a multisexual ménage à 
cing. Among the movie’s many scenes оГ 
intimate fondling from bed to sauna, the 
brashest shows Rodolfo locked in carnal 
rapture and urging his lover to hurry be- 
cause he has just learned that his wife has 
gone into labor. Almost as audacious is 
Ménage (originally titled Tenue de Soirée), 
which jolted audiences at the Cannes festi- 
val and was promptly acquired for U.S. 
distribution. Directed by Bertrand Blier, 
its hero is Bob (Gérard Depardicu), a gay 
burglar who becomes obsessed with a 
balding, middle-aged man named An- 
toine. Soon Bob lures both Antoine and 
his wife (Miou-Miou) into a life of crime 
and finally has his way with Antoine, 
whose wife doesn't seem to mind. “Getting 
it up the ass isn't so serious,” she observes, 
“but getting to like it is.” There's little 
explicit action, though the film's language 
is no-holes-barred from beginning to end. 

Foreign imports have traditionally out- 
stripped America in exploring the outer 
limits of croticism, and the current year’s 
crop is no exception. Besides the exam- 


"And would you mind 
telling the jury, Mr. Perez, precisely how 
you were hoodwinked into buying the $26,000,000 
worth of cocaine?" 


ples already cited, we'll be seeing France's 
Betty Blue, a Parisian sensation with sultry 
Beatrice Dalle in a bizarre seriocomic love 
story by Jean-Jacques Beineix (who made 
Diva). Often’ unclothed as а perennial 
baby doll whose boyfriend (Jean-Hugues 
Anglade, also tout nu a good share of the 
time) adores her despite her pouting, 
shness and occasional fits of violence, 
alrcady bcen hailed abroad as 
the new Bardot—though Betty Blur starts 
off with a highly explicit sex scene to which 
the original BB might have said non. 
Marthe Keller and a slew of top French 
actresses appear nude or seminude 
Femmes de Personne, а soap-opc 
"woman's picture” set in a medical center. 
If asked to go equally far in a relatively 
minor film, nine out of ten Hollywood 
starlets would be making noises about fir- 
ing their agents. Greece's Bordello, fea- 
tured in the Greek edition of PLAYBOY, 
caused a furor at home with its uninhib- 
ited displays of flesh and tomfoolery. 
Freely based on the life of Madame Hor- 
tense (the character portrayed by Lila 
Kedrova in Zorba the Greek), proprietress 
of a notorious Cretan brothel in the 1890s, 
Bordello is described by director Nikos 
Koundouros as “a film about schizophre- 
nia and necrophilia.” Im bulls and 
voycurs may check it out in а festival col- 
lection of Greek movies currently touring 
major U.S. cities. 
From Italy, La Venexiana is a good bet 
to stir Stateside interest, if only because 
this filmed erotic classic stars Jason Con- 
nery (son of Scan) as a handsome young 
blade secking love and adventure during a 
night on the town Venice. Among his 
conquests is a sex-starved widow por- 
trayed by Laura Antonelli. Laura man- 
ages to sec a lot of Connery, who shows 
considerably more of himself than Daddy 
ever has. Another newsworthy Italian epic 
was Devil in the Flesh (Н Diavolo in Corpo 
over there), director Marco Bellocchio's 
remake of a landmark French film chat 
was considered sensationally sensuous 
back 1946. “ 5 fly all 
tions,” according to Variety's reviewer, 
who cited “an electrifying performance” 
by Maruschka Detmers as a young woman 
having a torrid liaison with a high school 
boy (Federico Pitzalis). During a cel 
brated ex scene, Bellocchio report- 
edly left his two stars to themselves and let 
the cameras roll. Still, i's doubtful that we 
will ever sce the resulis uncensored. 
Down under, the bustling Aussies pro- 
duced yet another version of Devil in the 
Flesh, its sexual content undivulged at this 
writing. Meanwhile, New Zealand star 
Bruno Lawrence paraded around starkers, 
as they say, in a postapocalyptic drama 
called The Quiet Earth. No big deal? You 
won't catch Paul Newman dropping his 
drawers for art, and Richard Gere's once- 
famous buns have been largely under 
s since Breathless 
Hard-core pornography 
mo realm in which Ameri 


the one 
is are the 


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unchallenged leaders, in quantity if not 
always in quality, despite the militant 
elloris of the Reagan Administration to 
bring a permissive society to hecl. It's too 
soon to tell, of course, whether the U.S 
Supreme Court decision supporting state 
laws against sodomy will have a ripple 
effect of repression. Theaters showing 
X-rated movies have been shrinking in 
number, forced out of existence not by 
Edwin Meese but by video stores, where 
the same sexual schlock can be taken 
home on rental tapes and viewed for a 
fraction of the cost, not to mention in more 
convenient surroundings. A turnaround 
appears to be in the making, however, 
with the glutted cassette market producing 
a new brecd of knowing consumers who 
demand more for their moncy than mas 
produced smut. Jimmic Johnson, presi- 
dent of California's Pussycat Theater 
chain, predicts, “The business is going to 
wind up with major exhibitors, because 
today's producers arc learning it's neces- 
sary to shoot on film, then showcase a 
movie in theaters before releasing it on 
cassette, for the simple reason that the 
prestige of a theatrical first run in major 
Cities boosts cassette sales. We're shaking 
the bad apples out of the tree, eliminating 
lousy theaters and cheap quickie film: 
Now the major question is, Will the courts 
let us survive?” 

In 1986, one of the hottest-sclling adult 
videos was Taboo American Style, winner of 
the Adult Film Associ n of America's 
award for best picture of 1985. Actually a 
four-film series with superior production 
values, Taboo is a raunchy family saga that 
closely follows the format of TV's steamy 
nighttime soaps, adding fellatio, cunnilin- 
gus, varied positions, hand jobs and what- 
ever else it takes to keep customers 
titillated. Instigator of the action is Raven, 
as Nina Sutherland, а jerk-em-around 
Jezebel who becomes a Hollywood super- 
star and sex object handled by her dad, 
brother and numerous supporting plavers, 
if not quite a cast of thousands 

The cream of the 1986 porn crop 
includes Blonde Heat, starring Scka as still 
another insatiable Hollywood icon. Likely 
to succeed, too, is Every Woman Has a Fan- 
tasy Part П. A slick, randy retread of last 
year’s smash hit about wives in a 
consciousness-raising group that cvolves 
into something like hands-on sex therapy, 
Every Woman Part II drops the group for 
some experimental gropes by an actor 
(John Leslie) and his wife, an author (Lois 
Ayres), who spice up their love life with 
role playing 

Another revisited classic, The Devil in 
Miss Jones HI: A New Beginning, has even 
less to do with the original. Starring Ayres 
again, as a deccased slut оп an odyssey 
through hell, this hot-and-heavy hard-core 
flick is typical of the Dark Brothers— 
aggressively anal and odious, as well as 
patently offensive in its attitudes toward 
women. Not surprisingly, Miss Jones III 
ends abruptly with a plug for Miss Jones 


IV: The Final Outrage. However, the head- 
iest excitement in current X films is likely 
to be Behind the Green Door—The Sequel. 
which has confronted the menace of AIDS 
and herpes by promoting "safe sex" in its 
orgies (as reported in Playboy After Hours 
in June) through the use of condoms, sper- 
micides and latex gloves. Better safe than 
sorry, indeed, though such prophylactic 
prudence—also on view in The Red Garter, 
a Hyapatia Lee vehicle—may well raise 
hell with the traditional come shots so 
dear to thc hearts of dirty old men. While 
San Francisco's Mitchell Brothers could 
not hire Marilyn Chambers for the follow- 
up to their history-making Green Door sex- 
ual fantasy, they found a substitute, Missy 
Manners, to perform as Gloria—a steward- 
ess with a feverish imagination, who picks 
up where Chambers left off in 1973. 

From now through year's end, what is 
displayed on screen should tell how the 
scales are tipping between freedom of 
expression and Government-sanctioned 
repression. The Meese commission's re- 
port on pornography (already disclaimed 
and derided as the most salacious book 
of the decade) may well intimidate Holly- 
wood, yet the erratic pendulum of public 
opinion unfailingly swings both ways. The 
commission's investigators who equate sex 
with violence conveniently ignore the ob- 
scenity of violence itself, but the moguls 
making and selling movies will no doubt 
continue to measure community standards 
by box-office receipts. 

There are already some indications of 
casing attitudes. As we went to press, Top 
Gun, with Tom Cruise zooming to stardom 
in a rowdy action drama about U.S. Navy 
combat pilots, was the year’s top-grossing 
film. ICs instructive that its producers, 
alter the first wave of previews, felt it пес 
essary to keep the film on ice while they 
added some mildly steamy love scenes 
between Cruise and co-star Kelly Mc- 
Gillis. In a matter of days, No Mercy 
should arrive at your local theater, team- 
ing Kim Basinger, as a Cajun gal, with 
Richard Gere in a pairing that may con- 
tribute further warming effects to an off 
year. After that, Basinger has а third 
imminent shot, this time opposite Bruce 
Willis in Blake Edwards’ Blind Date, writ- 
ten by the author of Ruthless People. In a 
temporary move from MTV to 52 Pickup, 
with Roy Scheider and Ann-Margret, 
Vanity is gencrously unveiled as a prosti- 
tute caught up in a сазе of blackmail and 
murder. Lovers of exotic adventure can 
whet their appetites with Joan Chen in 
Tai-Pan, based on James Clavell’s epic 
novel about intrigues among the ruthless 
European traders ravaging the Chi 
coast more than a century ago. Chen (“the 
Elizabeth Taylor of the Far East”) plays 
May-May, Bryan Brown's ambitious mis- 
tress, barely veiled in her working clothes 
as а concubine. So there's hope. But all in 
all, 1986 will most likely have to be logged 
in our books as the Year of the Prig. 


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“If Meck contains Marcus, the Broncos can knock 
іһе Raiders off the top of the A.F.C. West.” 


KLECKO/STEPHENSON 


(continued from page 139) 
Stephenson says. “The second game was 
better. But playing against Joc, I can't say 
1 did great either time.” 

Klecko plays nose tackle in a cocked 
position (like a gun). He lines up slightly 
to one side of the center, which invites 
double teaming but also creates openings 
for his fellow entrails reader Gastineau. 
year, the Jets allowed the fewest 
nis in the A.F.C, and Klecko led the 
Jets’ line with 96 tackles. If you're a cen- 
ter, there is only one thing worse than 


Klecko in your face—Klecko in your 
quarterback’s face. 
Stephenson is quick and strong but not 


as quick and not as strong as Klecko. He 
uses rock-solid determination, guile and 
his most prized piece of intelligence—how 
far he can push the rules—to keep savage 
sackmen out of his quarterback’s den. He 
unknown to most fans. He is known 
among defensive lineme 

Klecko: “Dwight is very strong. And 
witty—a smart player, You have to change 
up on a player like him; you have to use 
strength and finesse. He has quick hands, 
and quick hands are the way you win on 
both sides of the line. Sure, he holds 
Holding is part of life in the N.F.L." 

Stephenson: “Joc Klecko is superstrong. 
He's very quick. He's very smart—he'll 
set you up. He'll put himself at a disad- 
vantage just to make you think you've got 
him. Then, all of a sudden, he recovers 
and he's by you 

New York Jets at M 
November 24. 


HAYNES/DUPER 


(continued from page 110) 
speed-burning, game-breaking half of the 
Dolphins’ luxury receiving duo (the other 
half of Mark If ts Mark Clayton). He 
would have been an All-Pro for the third 
time last year had he not missed seven 
mes with a fractured leg. In his return to 
the line-up, he caught eight passes lor 217 
yards and beat the Jets with a 50-yard 
finger-tip touchdown grab in the last min- 
ше. With Marino at the other end of his 
pau Duper is the most danger 
receiver in the game. 

Haynes, n teams with Lester Hayes 
in the game's finest defensive backfield, is 
football's foremost practitioner of the 
bump and run. 

If he bumps Duper hard and runs with 
him step for step, Haynes may have a 
ne like the one he had against the Dol- 
n 1984— two interceptions, one for 

ins-sinking touchdown. If Duper 


mi, Monday, 


us 


has time to maneuver, Haynes will need 
all his adrenaline. 

Duper: "Haynes is a great cornerback. 
It’s his stop and go that makes him great. 
A lot of guys are last, but he has catch-up 
speed— you think you have him beat, and 
he uses the time the ball is in the ai 
catch up.” 

Haynes: “Wide recei 
fast. Duper is onc of the 
me and him out there. I have to lock in on 
him and concentrate, and have to assume 
every play is a pass. With Miami, you 
know every play probably is а pass.” 

Duper: “We can move the ball. We can 
march up and down the field on them." 

Haynes: “I focus on his belt buckle. The 
hez 1 shoulders can move, but that 
part of the body can't move much. And I 
look for idi ies—little things he 
does t p off what he wants to do 
next. Of course, [won't say what they are, 
but Гус picked up a couple 

Duper: “E like it when cornerbacks 
bump and run. But if you don't watch 
Haynes, he'll bump you high—on the 
head or the shoulder pads. You have to be 
slippery. You can’t let him get his hands 
on vou. 

Haynes: [Grins] 
Only by accident." 

Los Angeles Raiders at Miami, 5 
October 19. 


ALLEN/MECKLENBURG 


(continued from page 141) 
n M.V.P. His 1759 yards’ rushing 
the league last year, His 2314 total 
yards—including 67 catches for 555 
ds—broke Егіс Dickerson’s NFL 
record. He scored 14 touchdowns—and 
gained 100 or more yards in each of the 
Raiders’ past ten games. He remembers 
The Hit but considers it part of the game. 
He is seldom hit hard. 

Mecklenburg, a converted delensive end 
who still lines up opposite the tackle in 
passing situations, was moved to li 
backer two years ago and became an All- 
Pro the following year. The Broncos used 
a throwaway dralt pick on him in 1983, 
the strength of his score on the 
ence test (yes, it has one). 
hest recorded that yes 


ers today are so 
fastest. TOS just 


He says I hit high? 


inday, 


Pid 
ur SACK games, ша five fumbles 
and led the A.F.C, with 11 tackles in the 
Pro Bowl. He is smart, and he hits hard. 

If Meck contains Marcus, the Broncos 
n knock the Raiders off the top of the 
. West. 


two 


“What makes Marcus so 


good is his vision. Не sees the entire field 
T's hard to get a clean hit оп him—you 
have to try to hem him in. Гус been play- 
ing linebacker only a couple of yc 
guys with Marcus’ ability trick me more 
than they should. He'll act like he's turn- 
ing in to take a pass, get me looking at the 
quarterback and then take oll." 


Allen: “I never think, Hey, thats 
Ronnie Lott or Karl Mecklenbi over 
there; I better go the other way. There's no 
time for that. | have to view the е field 


and react. He who hesitates is lost.” 
Denver at Los Angeles Raiders, Sunday, 
November 2. 


THE OTHER ONES TO WATCH 


Sunday, October 5, Minnesota at Chicago— 
Tommy Kramer vs. Mike Singletary: Q.B. 
Kramer calls offensive signals for the Vi- 
kings; middle linebacker 
tary calls defensive signals for the 
Bowl champs. Will 
intercept and/or sack Kram 
grind his bones to make his br 


or will he 
р 
Sunday, October 12, Washington at Dal- 


las—Curtis Jordan vs. Tony Dorsett: W 
promising safety Jordan has to make too 
many tackles on T.D., the Redskins will 
have to play catch-up. If Jordan 
m, Upset. 

Monday, October 20, Denver at New York 
Jets—John Elway vs. Mark Gastineau: Two 
of the A.F.C.'s best teams sq QB. 
up; defensive end Gastineau’s 
t up. Here comes Klecko, too. See 
John run 

Monday, October 27, Washington at New 
York Giants—George Rogers vs. Lawrence 
Taylor: Last year, linebacker Taylor 
invaded the 5 " backfield and retired 
Joc Theismann. This year, Washington's 
Q.B. Jay Schroeder may find discretion 
the better part of valor and hand off to 
Rogers. If the Skins are to play Giant kill- 
-Saint Rogers will have to escape 
gue's most devilish linebacker, 

Sunday, November 2, Philadelphia at St. 
Louis—Buddy Ryan vs. E. J. Junior: Not a 
physical matchup, just a telling clash 
between the Eagles’ new head coach and 
the Cards’ best defensive linebacker in a 
decade. n Buddy devis n offensive 
plan to match the talents of Junior—a 
force on the order of Ryan's old student 
Singletary 

Sunday, November 9, Seattle at Kansas 
City—Ken sley vs. Stephone Paige: 
Strong safety Easley, who is death on the 
run, will be needed to help cover wide 
ige, who gained 309 yards (38.6 
per catch)—a league recordin last 
year's final game. 


receiver Pai, 


Monday, November 17, San Francisco at 
Art. Monk 


Washington— Ronnie Lott vs 


and a 
Schroeder 


in for a Lott of troubl 
Sunday, November 30, Cincinnati at Den. 


Munoz vs. Rulon Jones: Wa 
r as good as Munoz were апуб 


play 


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PLAYBOY 


174 


but an offensive lineman, everyone would 
be able to pronounce his name (Moon-yoz). 
Defensive end ‚Jones is no weakling: but 
Munoz should handle him, and Bengals 
ОВ. Boomer ing should 

Monday, December 15, Chicago at 
Detroit—fay Hilgenberg vs. Eric Williams 
In his debut as a nose tackle last уез 
converted end Williams singlehandedly 
smoked the Vikings. In the Bears! Super 
Bowl year, Hilgenberg kept Jim Mc- 
Mahon sa imals like Williams. 
Eric is quick; nt Bear in the back- 
field with a high-caliber weapon—his body. 

Friday, December 19, Los Angeles Rams 
at San Francisco—Doug Smith vs. Michael 
Carter: No-names? Rams center Sn 


January 


made the Pro Bowl lası year; Niners nose 
guard Carter is the next great defen- 
sive force in the М.Е... If the N.F.C. West 
title hangs on thi ame, watch Smith's 
hands and see how many of Carter's jer- 
seys he destroys. 

Sunday, September 7, through Sunday, 
25—]im McMahon vs. Pete 
Rozelle: Sure, it’s a mismatch, but savvy 
nd intelligence don't count for everything 
n the N.F.L.—McMahon also has style. 
Will the commish ever understand his 
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lion since Cain mouthed off to God. 


CLIMBERS 


(continued fiom page 122) 
that could hurt you only if you did some- 
thing truly stupid. 

* 5.7: Some cin 
from. 

* 5.8 10 5.9: Sweaty clinging, someti 
on the perfectly vertical, to nubbins 
rugosities that arc too damn small 

5.10 to 5.11: Gymnastic zone in which 
there is no rest or forgiveness. 
5.12 to 5.13: Just never mind. 

Robinson started up a 5.7 crack called 
After Seven, while 1 belayed him from the 
ground. I watched and tried not to go to 
school on the holds he was using, because 
I know very well by now that to apc his 
moves without his gifts is just a quick way 
to trouble. About the time he got to the 
crux of the pitch, a dozen or so high school 
students, in the valley on a seminar, sat on 
some nearby rocks and began me 
how the rope and the rest of the hardware 
worked. They watched Robinson wl 1 
told them, and then onc of them asked, 
“Don't you ever get scared?” 

"He won't; not on this climb," I told 
them. “But I will. If it’s fear you want to 
scc, stick around. ГЇЇ swear, wl 
weep if you're lucky." 
hey thought I was kidding. 

About 100 feet up, Robinson got onto a 
ledge next to a pretty little oak, tied h 
self to it and yelled down that I could 
climb. The first ten or 12 moves were up a 
rack that fit me as perfectly as my fancy 
new $90 climbing shoes, and I felt good 
and probably looked good to the kids on 
the ground. Then, just belore I reached 
the branch in the crack that was going to 
be the gnarly heart of the pitch, a teacher 
came out of the woods and told his stu- 
dents it was time to go. 

“Not yet,” they said, almost 
© want to see him get scared." 

‘The teacher dragged them off anyway, 
and it was just as well, because the kind of 
performance 1 stepped into doesn’t want 
an audience. All of a sudden, nothing fit. I 
was about 35 feet up, with three moves to 
make through the crux. I tried a couple of 
dumb maybes and pulled back from them. 
Then 1 got desperate and muscled myself 
into the middle of the problem by a move 
that was as foolish was ugly: I still 
couldn't see or feel the way up, and all the 
strength I hadn't squandered was going 
into just hanging there. 1 yelled at Robi 
son that | was going to fall, and then I did, 
though falling doesn’t quite describe it. It 
was more as if the crack spit me out, but I 
didn't go far—three feet maybe—before 
Robinson caught me with the rope. I got 
back onto the rock, thought about it for a 
minute, made another angry, gr li 
le u ad this time | beat it, 
a shred of satisfacti 


ing, but plenty w cling 


chorus. 


“y 


but tli 
to it. 
1 I reached the ledge, I was utterly 


disgusted with myself and asking out loud 
why in hell I bothered to play this difficult 
sport if I didn't have the heart for it. We 


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sat there while I grumbled and calmed 
down; then I told Robinson that I didn't 
want any more that evening. He said, 
“Fine,” and as we pulled things together 
for the hike down a side trail, a curly- 
headed blond guy in red shorts stepped up 
10 the bottom of the pitch we'd just done. 
He was shirtless and tan. He had a chalk 
bag and a pair of climbing shoes hanging 
from his belt, and that was it. No rope. 

I said, “Doug, I think we're in for a little 
free solo here,” and I was right. Then, 
while the lone climber sat at the foot of the 
rock to change from running to climbing 
shoes, I ran down the trail so I could 
watch him from the ground 

By the time I got there, he was maybe 
three moves into the climb, and already he 
looked like water running uphill. He was 
dancing, making a fool of gravity, the way 
Fred Astaire danced. He paused only to 
reach back into his chalk bag with one 
hand, then the other, and even that fit the 
rhythm of his progress. Не moved through 
the crux as if it weren't there, except that 
what I had donc in three moves, hc did in 
six elegant little steps and reaches that 
obliterated the problem by paying it a sort 
of Oriental respect. It took him about two 
minutes to reach the oak ledge and swing 
up over it. It had taker 
where I had collapsed into a sweating 
һсар, he looked up, chalked his hands and 
kept climbing—not as if he 
something but as if he were on his way to 
tea with an old friend. Robinson and I 
watched him for about 450 feet before he 
disappeared over a hump where, like a 
wizard, he left a puff of chalk dust in the 
wind where we'd last seen him 

On the way down the trail to our car, I 
went on about the pure silkiness of wh: 
we'd just seen, and. Robinson agreed that 
whoever he was, he was a great climber. 
Then he said, “But that's Yosemite in 
spring. There are probably a dozen guys in 
this valley right now who could have done 
that.” 

I was still trying to get used to the idea 
thar there was even one who could have 
put on that show. 

In the parking lot, we coiled the rope, 
sorted the hardware, changed our shoc 
and before we were finished, the solo man 
strolled out of the woods and then to his 
car, which was just behind us. He sat and 
strapped a large ice bag to his 

I walked back and s; 

He smiled and said thanks. I told him it 
looked as if he knew Manure Pile pretty 
well and he said, “I ought to. Гуе climbed 
it about a thousand times. I could do it 
blindfolded. It's a great little warm-up.” 

E guessed that he lived in the valley and 
he said yes; and when I asked if he worked 
here, too, he said, “Мо, 1 just climb.” 

When I got back to our car, Robinson 
was having a flash of recognition. He 
looked at me and said, “That's John 
Bachar.” 

Then both of us walked back, and 
Bachar and Robinson, who had known 


late for 


“To hear him talk, not only did he come on the Mayflower, he came on Plymouth 
Rock, he came on the beach, he came at the first Thanksgiving, he came. . . .” 


177 


PLAYBOY 


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ch other off and on for years, talked 
about old friends, then about the Spanish 
climbing shoes that are the rage in the val- 
ley and for which Bachar is a distributor 
We'd heard rumors that he had tendinitis 
in his elbow; but when we asked, he said 
no, that it was worse than that: articula 
capsulitis, which heals more slowly. 
thought he was back up to about 75 per- 
cent of his peak condition. Then, with a 
wry smile, he said, “Learning to live with 
the ice bag. 
When I said something about his speed 
up the climb, he told me he had just been 
ising. “Rick Cashner and I speed-climb 
this rock sometimes,” he said. “We race 
cach other. It's a great aerobic workout. He 
holds the record—eleven minutes—and 
I was a few seconds behind him that day.” 
. 
Around five o'clock, a weary bustle be- 
gins to gather up in Camp Four. Sun- 
burned climbers straggle in from all over 
the valley, drop their gear, light 
ire. You see them supine оп foam pads, 
looking up the rock or into the trees over- 
head, adrift in a hard-won, spent glow. Or 
they catch up with friends and trade sto- 
ries about what it was like up there on 
Natural, Peru- 
lity, Outer Lim- 
of Doom, Sea of 
ainbow 
ass. You're out there 


Dreams, Gravity's 
ve point te 
smearing and pinching and it’s overhang- 
ing, and, I mean, it's animalistic.” 

Sometimes, just the telling of the tale 
can hurt you. “I damn near knocked 
myself out,” a kid from Phoenix told me. 
He'd been on a 5.12 crack called Hang- 
Dog Flier that afternoon, and he'd taken a 
nasty ten-foot fall that had ba 
pretty good, but that wasn’t where he'd 
injured himself. He had gotten the bump 
he was telling me about in camp as he w 
describing his fall to a pretty climber girl 
at the site next to his. She'd watched as he 
threw his arms out for dramatic ellect, 
then cranked his head back full force and 
bashed it into a boulder he'd forgotten was 
behind him. 

“Feel that,” he said. 1 reached up under 
pulled 


ed him 


his hair to а knob you could hav 
yourself up on. His name was Jason Sands, 
he was a carpenter, about 25 years old, it 
was his fifih trip 10 Yosemite; he had two 
weeks off, but he was going to stretch it to 


three. He figured he could get away with it 
too. He 


because his boss was a climbei 

was shirtless and had the hard, le: 
arms and shoulders most climbers wear 
and as we talked, he reminded me of surf 
ers Ed known in the Sixties, with their 
deep tans, long hair and quiet, 
tomorrow swagger. Some of thes 
come into the valley with no money and no 
campsite, If they're broke, they sometimes 
go canning, picking up empty aluminum 
is, which are worth a nickel cach at the 
cling center. If they have no author- 
ized place to sleep, they go out of bounds, 
which will get you a night [ihe 


no- 
guys 


rangers catch you, and they usually do. 

Sands and I watched as the evening's 
bouldering began on the big rocks that 
stud the eastern edge of the camp. The 

mbs on them are seven or 15 moves long 
routes de- 

outrageous gymnastics that 
¢ the top end of this sport now- 
s In a way, work on these boulders 
presaged the style modern rock- 
climbing, because once the grand obvious 
had been done—El Сар, Half Do 
the others— Yosemite climbing was 
on to the more technical, smaller, subtler, 
harder problems. So hard, in fact, that 
Bachar and the other best around here 
have built rough-hewn workout arcas so 
that alter six or eight hours of climbing, 
they can round off the day with weight-belt 
pull-ups (100 at a time) or by walking a 
slack rope for balance or hanging by their 
fingers and toes from medieval-looking 
wooden contraptions. The entire regimen 
is Olympic in intensity, and dangero 
Bachar's elbow injury, for instance, came 
not on the rocks but in an outdoor gym. 
And he is not the only one of the champi- 
ons who is climbing hurt these days. Th 
territory these men have opened up is liter- 
ally tearing their muscles from their 
bones. 
The boulders in Camp Four provide 
nother kind of warm-down from a day's 
climbing and something more—a chance 
to show your monkey, a few feet off the 
ground, to anyone who wants to wander 
over and watch, Reputations are made on 
rocks all over the valley, but Camp Four, 
after dinner, is where you strut your stult. 
These are the ego hours. 

Columbia Boulder 
in camp, and it's 
point every evening, someone will stand 
a its northeast side and look his way up 
the H or 12 moves to its flat top, which sits 
20 feet up under a toupee of fallen brown 
cedar needles. Climbing it by eye is as 
close as most will ever get to doing this lit- 
Че route, because these seven yards are the 
pure, mean essence of rock-climbing at its 
5.13 cruelest: an arc of rock that sweeps up 
nd then back out over your head in three 
tiers that make a route that most spiders 
would walk away from. The face is black 
with the stain of old campfires, 
it is chalked a streak of lightning, a sort of 
pictograph that commemorates the fi 
ascent 

The first man or woman up a route g 
to name it; and alter all the years of trying 
by all the climbers who camped here, it 
was a guy named Ron Kauk who finally 
appled through the last move and onto 
the top. He called it Midnight Lightnin 
and for two weeks, he was the only man in 
the world who could climb these 20 feet 
Sometime later, Bachar made it, and not 
long after that, a crucial bi 
hanging from broke oll: 
knob, even Kauk couldn't make it. / 
point, Kauk began what would be a y 
away from climbing: and over that time. 


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Bachar found a way up without the knob 
Kauk returned, and after several wecks or 
months (nobody quite remembers). he 
learned it, and then, for almost six years, 
they were the only two. Even now, seven 
years later, there are ¿ht or 
men who have ever made the climb 
. 

The night Sands and 1 talked, four of 
those men were in camp, but it was a lanky 
young Oklahoman named John Frank who 
started the evening’s round of attempts up 
the humbling little stretch of granite, He 
said something like “Here goes nothing.” 
laughed, then stood for a minute taking 
deep drafts of air to pump himself for the 
try. Then he chalked his hands, stepped 
into the first move and reached immedi- 
ately for the second, because once vou ve 
started, your body is already out past dead 
vertical and any hang time will sap you for 
the upper moves that are the crux. Frank 
used all of his considerable 5.12 talents to 
get about ten feet, came off with a scary 
d landed upright 
because he made a catlike gyration in the 
air. He and Sands talked about the two- 
finger hold he'd missed; le they 
did. other climbers began to dri 
half a dozen at first, then 20—and by the 
time Frank had made four tries, there were 
50 or so spectators, some of them begin- 
ning to kibitz. 

“Bachar mantles it,” said a small, baby- 
faced guy, referring to the move Fr 
couldn't get past. “T just pi 


© 


only € nine 


suddenness only 


i over— 


seam. 

He turned out to be Kurt the Kid— 
Kart Smith, fr 
guys who've made it. He had just taken a 
year away from climbing because his body 
was wasted. This was his first week back, 
and he was pretty sure he wasn't yet in 
shape to do it; but he stepped up anyway 
ked for someone to spot him, then 
looked up at the chalk splashes that 
route. When he started cl 
r that what he lacked in size 
he made up for in strength and will and 
rock smarts. He got hi cleanly to the 
eighth move, blew three blasts of айг 
somebody in the crowd yelled, “Fire 
it!’ —then pulled himself with one arm 
toward a hold so small you couldn't see it 
the ground. He got it but couldn't 
hold, and he landed in a small explosion of 
dust. About that time, a rarhead-looking 
climber on a BMX bicycle rode past the 
edge of the crowd, making very convincing 
chimp sounds. Probably the guy with the 
Lawn flamingo, 1 couldn't help think 
then, Kauk sauntered ove 
rescue à in С 
ved for the best climbers, who pay 
nothing for the spac 
call in ca 


m Lake опе of the 


from 
np Four 


site, an a 


in return for being on 


¢ ol trouble in the rocks. He was 


wearing red warm-up pants, no shirt, and 
his sted with chalky lin- 
ger marks where he had been slapping at 


He was carrying a rough 
walking stick, which gave I 


Mosquitoes. 


he vague 


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air of a mount. 
and Kurt tl 
beat the cr 
Th a 


fessor 


t how to 
1 it as a pointer. 
something unmistakably pro- 
bout the scene, and Kurt the 
Kid was listening hard, as was some of the 
crowd, because although there is по real 
to rank the champions of rock- 
this fraternity knows very well 


w 


way 


wh are. 
i made four more attempts and 
gave it up. Then Dave Cosgrove, another 


of the men who'd done the climb, m: 
the best try of the evening. He came off i 
the final move to loud sounds of disap- 
pointment from the gallery 

the crowd drifted away. four Japa- 
nese moved to the rock, pointing and talk- 
ing among themselves. Then the smallest 
of them put one hand up as if he were 
going to start the climb, another of them 
said something, then all four of them 
laughed so hard it bent them at the м 


ist. 


. 
А couple of mornings later, I stopped in 


Ahwah Meadow, 
opened my map so that I could name the 
falls for myself. relax and watch the birds 
go overhead in small sta Au least 
that's what 1 thought I was there for. И 
turned out 1 had taken a loge scat for an 
act of geological violence the likes of the 
one that had dropped Columbia Boulder 
into Camp Fou 

Pd been the 


sat in the and 


bout ten minutes when 1 
ackling, then a cannonlike 
boom from the general direction of Stair 
Step Falls, exactly across the valley. 1 saw 
the small beginnings of a dust cloud com- 
n the steep gullies between the 
pillars and buttresses near the crest of the 
mountain; then the sound of all hell cut- 
ting loose reached me, a rumble that shook 
the meadow, and I watched as mammoth 
boulders and 100-foot tre 
cd off a lower apron, then s 
massive spray of rubble that settled fi 
onto the scree slopes 2000 feet below. 
I stood, as did t f dozen other peo- 
ple in the 100-acre meadow. Don't let 
there be any climbers up there or any- 
wh was my first thought. I ап" 
expect there would be. 125 not a he 
climbed part of the ‚ and there were 
none, it turned out. Us not the sort of 
event any climber ever nec 
maybe it is, w 
so you never forget that this valley is still 
ing itself, that these rocks that seem 
ily säll and solid are alive 
g went on for two long mi 
Then silence. Nothing. Not even the chat- 
ter of the birds. A thunderhead of dust 
grew till it hid the entire mountain, then 
took 15 minutes to rise and dissipate. 


my second thought, Just 


The thi 


I was still buzzing with the experi 
when I caught up with Sand: 
at the hase of Royal Arches, and 1 asked 
them if they'd seen it. No, they said, but 
they'd heard 

They were alr 
of Hang-Dog FI 


dy roped up at the foot 
er and they had their 


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PLAYBOY 


184 


1 like boxers so that hanging in 
the sharp 5.12 crack wouldn't tear them 
up too badly. The route was about 100 feet 
long. with a vicious overhang all the way 
d a nice 50- or 60-foot fall waiting at the 
gh crux if anything went wrong up 
there. 

Eight or ten of their friends and a Jap- 
anese couple were scattered on nearby 
rocks to watch as Frank led off. Sands 
belayed him and turned Talking Heads to 
ІШІ volume on their tape machine. 

1t was hard climbing from the first, with 
no place to rest, and Frank climbed slowly 
but well, setting protection every few feet 
1t took him 45 minutes. hanging by his fin- 
gers and shoes, to go 30 fect. Ten minutes 
late: reached a spot where he could 
haul himself just off the route onto a slop- 
ing ledge by using one arm, one leg and his 
cheek to lever himself up, After a short 
rest, he got back down into the erack, took 
his first try at the crux, missed, fell about 
ten feet and swung back into the rock hard 


hands tape 


he 


enough that we heard the wind go out of 


h He swore and pulled himself back 
onto the ledge for another breather, He 
made three more tries to get over the top, 
1 energy fi and 
finally, he gave up, pulled on the rope to 
gel a higher purchase, stepped through the 
last two moves and he was there. He'd 
climbed beautifully, but he wasn't very 
happy about 
free-climbing, the game is over the first 
time you use your protection to advance, 


ut he had less r each, 


“Before I carve the turke 


because by the ethics of 


or even to balance yourself. 

Ata campfire the night befor 
er from Flagstaff had 
just that thing. His name was Rand Black, 
and he'd been cli g for 17 ун i 
he was four. Just the vear before, he'd tak- 
en a fall that had flipped him over back- 
ward and smashed his heel bone into five 
pieces. He said he could have saved the 
plunge if he'd just grabbed the rope, which 
he didn't, because climber's code told 
him not to. He said it wasn't a total loss, 
though. It had left him with an un- 
naturally large bump on his heel, which 
made his left climbing shoe fit perfectly 
nd 1 learned something from that 
climb," he told me. ^I learned never to let 
ethics hurt you.” 

With Frank on top belaying, Sands 
climbed quickly and smoothly, removing 
the chocks and stoppers as he passed 
them. Then, at the crux, Frank took up the 
slack exactly as Sands made his move and 
the taut rope pulled him oll. He fell five o 
six feet, banged the rock and then swore at 
Frank. He made two morc tries, exhausted 
himself and finally used the rope to finish 


the climb the way Frank had. The two of 


them came down arguing about whether 
ands had fallen or been yanked oll. 

As they coiled their горе, the Japanese 
couple who'd been watching rigged them- 
selves for the same climb. The woman be- 
ved from the bottom while her partner 
hung himself in the crack and moved out 
and up. Just about halfway, he took a 


I believe Grandma 


has a list of things we can be thankful for and 
Grandpa has a list of things that piss him off." 


30-foot screamer, which left him hanging 
spread cagle upside down, with his hard- 
ware draped over his face, Sands grabbed 
his сате took the picture, then yelled, 
“Nice photo.” 

“Thank you,” said the Japanese, still 
swingi 


The next afternoon, 1 caught up with 
п in the Camp Four parking 
much all 


Werner Вга! 
lot, which is his home 
year. He sleeps in hi which 
the law for everyone else in the valley, but 
Braun has a working arrangement with 
the rangers that carns him an exemption 
from that statute: He's one of the men who 
bring the dead down from the high faces 
Braun has been ii 


pretty 


Yosemite for eight years 
and is sometimes called “the Zen maste 
“1 didn't mean to stay this long.” he 
told me. “I was on my way to be an engi- 
neer. I just turned out to be a climber.” 

By all accounts, he is one of the very 
bı sometime free-soloist, though he 
refuses to acknowledge the climbing feath- 
ers that go with his reputation. “I figured 
out a while ago how to keep from getting 
hurt," he told me as we talked about the 
danger of climbing without ropes. “I just 
don't care. I climb for fun.” 

We talked about the ascent of Lost 
Arrow Spire that Kauk and Jerry Moffit 
were going to do live for АВС in two 
weeks. Braun had been hired to help carry 
video cameras to the adjacent rim, and 1 
asked him if he knew who had made the 
rst free climb of the beautiful pillar. It 
was a soap-opera question, pure climbi 
gossip. Bachar had told me that a certain 
famous climber was claiming to have bcc 
the first when he knew very well that Day 
Shultz had done it belore him. “True?” I 
asked Braun. 

“Who с; 
matter 

When I asked him about the kid who'd 
fallen off Royal Arches, he didn't know 
anything it. le had been a lucky s 
son so far, he said; no major rescues. The 
year before hadn't been so quiet 

“Last fall, we got a freak snowstorm and 
had three major rescues going at the same 
time,” he said. "We were flying down the 
valley to one ol them in a helicopter, and 
as we passed El Cap, [looked out the win- 
dow and saw two Japanese guys dead on 
the Nose Route. One of them had fallen. 
and the other was stuck and froze to death. 
It was a shock. We didn't ev »w they 
were up there.” 

A ranger pulled up in his car, and we 
asked him what he knew about the Royal 
Arches fall. It wasn't a climber, he said, 
but a hiker who had evidently wandered 
oll a lower clill around dawn. “Big, well- 
developed guy.” he told us. “Looked lik 
he might have been a football player, Had 
a couple of full beers in his pockets." 

. 


s?" he said. “It just doesn't 


1- 


Robinson and I spent our last afternoon 
back on Manure Pile. Fd climbed most of 
the week with my usual baggage of fear 


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Model Expo Inc. 


PLAYBOY 


186 


id hesi 
proveme 
get back û 
at least a 
spir 


and before we le 


wee 


base, as there usually 


up a more diff 
а 59 crack called Сос 


utcracke 
id named because of | 
music. C.S. Concert 


Robbi route 


new climb next to it 


to quit if it w 
work. For the 
didn 
drop of adren 
time, looked for the gr 
tened to the birds 
flowering suceule 


st 


ts tha 


“Tm not ask 


ion. but Га felt some small im- 
‚I wanted to 
this rock to see if I couldn't get 
мер or two nearer 

|, and Braun's, and the spirit of all the 
other young climbers Fd been with fi 


There were shouts of “On belay!” e 
ing through the woods when we got to the 
around this well- 
climbed rock. Robinson wanted to lead me 
ult route than Alter Seven, 
ucker's Conc 
It's adjacent to another route called Тһе 
, which Royal Robbins put up 
^ for cla: 
is called in the 
nother top 
aber, Yvon Chouinard's, answer 
ame poctry when he put 


much, to think about climbing, not 
falling, to dance a little, to pictui 
and his Tai Chi rhythm, to do it ke 
- And damned 
e ever on the 
1 have one desperate moment, not a 
ne. Instead, I took my 
ful line up, lis- 
admired the pretty 
live in the di 


cracks; and when I rested. I looked out at 
Sentinel Falls and down at the shadows of 
the broken clouds sliding across the valley 
floor. It was a halting, stoop-shouldered 
little dance if you compared it with 
Bachar's, but a dance nonetheless; and on 
top, Robinson and I laughed, and he con- 
gratulated me. 

On our way out of the valley, we 
stopped by the road, and through rol 
big binoeulars, we found Frank and Sands 
1000 feet straight up on the face of Sent 
Even through the glasses they were 
tiny, but they seemed to be moving well. 
six hours from the bottom, an hour or so 
from the top. And as I watched them up 
there, giving scale to this magnificent face, 
mbered something that Sands had 
said in camp one night when I asked him 
like to be on El Cap for days at 


he said, "you miss your 
friends. You want to be down in camp, 
h them. Then, about the sec- 
ond day. some! thing happens and you get 
to love it up the 


1 asked him. “The soli- 


tude? 
Not s 
being vert 


much that,” he s: 


1. "I just I 


ng you to buy into my anger. Um 


asking you to shut up.” 


“FOREIGN BODY” 


(continued from page 144) 
Indian actor Victor Banerje sh from 
sin A Passage lo India. 

At ten хм. the same day, Pim standing 
оп an enormous crate, one of the props, so 
as to get a full view of the scene. Our 
extras, their breath showing in the cold. 
have been made up and costumed in 
flimsy cotton. dhotis and sandals. The 
lucky ones arc the Sikhs, who, for rel 
reasons, wear turbans, which help keep 
them warm. Patricia, the unit. nurse. 
frantically handing out hot-water boul 
and steaming cups of soup in an attempt 10 
prevent the extras from turning blue. 

One of them, a dashing Indian in an 
officers uniform, has spotted me. He 
swaggers in my direction and, flashing a 
set of perfect white teeth against h 
smooth coffec-cream complexion, інде 
“Are you one of the stars in the film?” 

“No,” L reply, rather flattered, and wa 
for him to ask what I really do. He doesn't. 
Instcad, he starts c me up, telling 
me all about his former life in India and 
about his parents, his grandmother, his 
brother, not to mention his ugly sister. 

From the corner of my eye, L see ex- 
producer Christopher Neame 
“Its just as we thought," he 
informs me. "Well need your narration 
over the long shot.” Now realizing that I 
wrote the sercenplay, the man in uniform 
perhaps feeling that he's overstepped 
position, sheepishly saunters back to h 
colleagues. | want to call after him: 
“Hey, wait a minute. Don't go away. Tell 
me more about your ugly sister and 
about. ..." Too late. He's already van- 
ished. I take out my wri ing pad and make 
notes for the requested voice-over. 

In midafternoon, as I watch the scene 
finally being shot, the story begins to 
take life. Before me i: tol, looking more 
like Ind elf. On the word 

Action!” from the director, the extras, 
ful not to breathe in the cold air, start 
loading or unloading cargo, buying or sell- 
ng. begging or just mingling around Vic- 
tor Bani 

Banerjee plays the leading role in For- 
vien Body, a romantic comedy about a 
young Indi med Ram Das who pur- 
chases false papers to come to London in 
his to seek love and fortune and, he 
hopes, lose his virginity along the way. Ini- 
ly, all he fü ion on all counts. 
In his passionate search for romance, Ram 
Das gets involved in a sei 
temps and ends up posing as a doct 
Harley Street, London's renowned phy 


his suc 


sis reje 


es of contre- 
in 


When I stop to think of it, it isn’t too 
larfetched that director Ronald Neame 
dapt Roderick Mann's book. 
all, Lam a f body myself. was 
in the north. of Quebec in a small 
gold-mining town. When it ran out of gold, 


Small Wonder 


It’s here, pocket-size radar protection. 


[заде a superbly crafted electronic 
instrument, powerful enough to 
protect against traffic radar. miniatur 
ized enough to slide into a shirt pocket, 
beautiful enough to win an inter 
national design award. 


Small means 
nearly-invisible protection 


‘That could only be PASSPORT. 

It has exactly what the discerning 
driver needs, superheterodyne 
performance in a package the size 
OF a cassette tape. 

This miniaturization is possible 
only with SMDs (Surface Mounted. 
Devices), micro-electronics common 
in satellites but unprecedented in 
radar detectors. [t's no surprise that 
such a superlative design should be 
greeted by superlatives from the 
experts 

In a word, the Passport is a 
winner” said Car and Driver 

The experts report excellent 
performance. Simply switch PASSPORT 
on and adjust the volume knob. 
Upon radar contact, the alert lamp 
glows and the variable pulse audio 


Small means 
the size of a cassette tape 


begins a slow warning: “Әсер” for X 
band radar, "brap" for K band. Simul 
taneously a bar graph of Hewlett 
Packard LEDs shows radar proximity 
As you get closer the pulse 
quickens and the bar graph lengthens. 
Should vou want to defeat the audible 
warning during a long radar en- 
counter a special switch provides 
silence, vet leaves PASSPORT fully 
armed for the next encounter. A 
photocell adjusts alert lamp bright 
ness to the light level in your car. 
PASSPORT was designed for your pro 
tection and your convenience. 


In PASSPORT, 102 SMDs (right) do the work of 
ordinary transistors, resistors and capacitors 


PASSPORT comes with a leather 
case and travels like a pro, in your 
briefcase or in your pocket — to the 
job for trips in the company car, on 
airplanes for use in far away rentals 
Just install on dashtop or visor, then 
plug into the lighter. PASSPORT keeps 
such a low profile, It can be on duty 
without anyone noticing. 


Small means 
an casy fit in the briefcase 


One more PASSPORT con 
venience —call us direct Its toll free. 
We make PASSPORT in our own 
factory and we'll be happy to answer 
any questions vou may have. I vou 
decide to buy, we'll ship your 
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PLAYBOY 


188 


my father, a smalltime gambler, chose to 
on to bigger and better things. That 
ambition took him and the family to Mon- 
treal, then to northern British Columbia, 
‚ at the age of 16, I learned English. 
ng from school, armed with 
lish language 
and a dubious talent, looking reasonably 
attractive (see pictures), I decided to make 
Vancouver my home and resume an acting 
career that had started in French Canada 
when I was 1 

1 was 19 and had been sta 
Canadian Broadcasting Corporation com- 
y series for (he better part of a ycar 
when one day, the producer arrived at the 
studio in a particularly bad mood. Her 
nostrils flaring and her face growing a 
bright red, she threw the show's latest 
script at me. “Now look what you've 
she said rather bitterly. “The 
writer just quit because of your constant 


edi 


done,” 


uy vue 
y 
00000) 
ушы КҮТҮҮ 
JUGO U Udy 
ТҮШТҮ 
vivo 


=> Dn 


U Û Û UU e DULL 


criticism of his work. From now on, Jou 
write the scripts!" 

Only ignorance and perhaps a certain 
degree of arrogance made me do it, but I 
remained on the payroll of the govern- 
ment of Canada as a scriptwriter for two 
interminably long years, bashing out 13 
episodes per series. I then wrote a docu- 
mentary series and commentaries, did 
interviews on subjects on which по 21- 
year-old had any right to have a serious 
opinion and progressed to awful films. 
One of them was a rather infamous disas- 
ter movie that was so big and so disastrous 
that the publicity surrounding it almost 
sent те into oblivion. 

Between jobs that paid the bills, I would 
lick my wounds and write stories about 
women yearning for love, about their need 
lor friendship and their desire to ac- 
complish something important. Eventu- 
ally, I was able to draw male characters, 


"Well, please look again. There seems to haue 
been а mix-up!” 


which helped me understand and resolve 
relationships from my past. For years. in 
the privacy of my modest apartments near 
the versity of British Columb an- 
couver and on Fountain Avenue іп Holly- 
wood, I lived a double I It never 
occurred to me that those personal stories 
would ever interest anyone but. myself, 
unul I met Ronald Neame. 

I suppose vou could say that the ghost of 
Judy Garland brought us together. I had 
sought Neame out as part of my research 
on a screenplay I was writing about her. 
He had directed Garland in her last pi 
ture, Г Could Go On Singing. He also hap- 
pened to have made two cf my favorite 
films: The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie and 
Tunes of Glory. I took to him immediately 
and, apparently, he to mc. In timc, he 
became my friend and mentor. He read 
my sad and funny little stories and, to my 
immense surprise, liked them and sug- 
gested that we form a production company 
with his son Christopher. 

Diligently, we started to revise several 
projects of mine. We counted. 35 
refusals on Foreign Body. It took Orion 
Pictures’ head, Arthur Krim, for whom 
Neame had made several pictures, to 
vs the go-ahead. From then on, th 
moved rapidly to location and сой 
casting, rehearsals and several rewrites. 
On the day І handed in my final draft, I 
felt both happy and sad. I had done a good 
job, but my part in the project had come to 
an end. It was everybody else's job now to 
make the film happen. 

Then, out of the blue, I was brought 
back to Foreign Body in a rather offbeat 
way. The script called for a picture of a 
pretty girl on a Piavnoy cover. When Ron- 
nie and Chris half jokingly suggested that 
Г pose for it, I surprised them both by ac- 
ing. And then Marilyn Grabowski, 

toast Photo Editor and Playboy 
V.P., approached me about doing a layout 
for the magazine. | was genuinely flat- 
tered. Besides, the idea appealed to the 
er in me. This was an opportunity to 
experience something new. 

Having the photographs taken 
almost as major a production as making 
the film. Several weeks and 400 pictures 
later, Marilyn finally presented me with 
the proofs, all carefully divided into ^, n 
and REJECT categories. | studied the model 
as if she were someone else. he looks 
pretty good," I said. Marilyn had the 
good grace to smile and agr 


was 


. 

Seven rar Its a wrap! It's Бе a 19 
day for everyone. Battered and exhausted, 
our extras line up for a most deserved din- 


ner. Very kindly, the production has pro- 
vided a car to take me home. As the car 
pulls out, my Indian friend waves at me. 
He doesn’t look quite as handsome with- 
ош his splendid officer’s uniform. "Good- 
bye,” 1 wave back, "see vou in the 


movie!” 
E 


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EXERCISE 


oro, the Minneapolis company whose name is syn- 
onymous with the two dreaded suburban chores of 
lawn mowing and snow blowing, has muscled its way 
into the workout-machine market with the Isopower, 
an electronic machine designed to exercise 17 major muscle 
groups of the upper and lower body. The heart of the 


Isopower is an electronic control module that's as easy to use 
as a pocket calculator. You punch in your resistance level and 
the control module does the rest; there are no weights to 
change, and five sets of snap-on attachments are part of the 
package. A complete workout involves ten setups. Hey, you 
pumping-electronic-iron man! It's time to mow the lawn. 


The Isopower by Toro measures 58" high by 60" deep by 42” wide (that's less than 25 square feel), weighs about 250 pounds and has only one 
moving part. Its ten basic exercise setups: (1) leg extension/curl; (2) leg curl; (3) chest press; (4) hip adduction/abduction; (5) chest cross/row- 
ing; (6) pullover; (7) hip-back/abdominal flex; (8) shoulder press/lat pulldown; (9) inclined chest press/rowing; and (10) biceps curl/triceps ex- 
tension. If these don't get you into shape, it’s time to throwin the sweat towel, Arnold. Andall for the price of a stripped subcompact car—$5695. 


DAVID MECEY 


192 


POTPOURRI 
THE GAME OF SEX Без T 


“At your tenth high school reunion, an old girl- 
friend informs you that you have an 11-ycar-old 
son. Do you tell your wife?" That's just one of the 
milder questions in Sexual Dilemmas, The Game 
of Adult Decisions, which TDC Games, 4N240 
cavalry Drive, Unit D, Bloomingdale, Illinois 
60108, is selling for $22.50. postpaid. As cach per- 
son draws a dilemma card, others predict what 
his or her decision will be. Play it with your wife 


PIECES OF THE URBAN ACTION 


Finding your way around Paris can be confusing, bur solving a 
you finish. vowll have an ele- 
ght next to 


Paris city puzzle is fun—and whe 


gant sculpture, about 21” x 8”, that will hold its ow 
РА your Picasso ceramics. Created in Italy by designers Johnny 
Dell'Orto and Paolo Costa. city-sculpture puzzles are made of 

| gesso, а substance that painters use to treat their canvases. The 40 
or so pieces that make up each puzzle are artisan-crafted and no 
" two are exactly alike—which makes the assembled city a wonder- 
fully unusual work of art. С.К. Fine Arts, Lid., 249 A Street, 
Studio 35, Boston. Massachusetts 02210, sells Paris for $185, post- 


paid. A Plexiglas display box ік $50 more. About a dozen other 


ALL EARS FOR THE RABBIT cities, from New York to Venice, are available. 


Rabbit Systems are multiplying like, well, rabbits E 
in homes with a number of TV sets—and we can 

understand why, The VCR-Rabbit transmits a 
video/audio signal from your regular TV chan- 
nels, cable hookup or VCR to up to five other 

TVs in the house. An additional unit enables you 
to change your VER via remote control from 
another room. The price at most electronics 
stores is about $89.95 for a transmitter, one 

and minithin connecting wire. Hop to it. 


MOM tee 


GTA—ALL THE WAY 


American Motors Corporation recently introduced its 1987 entry 


in the pocket-rocket category of subcompact cars at a press pre- 
view in Ueross, Wyoming (population, 26). And the wild West 
became a little wilder as journalists from auto and general-interest 
magazines—including riAynov—took to the wide-open spaces 
Available in a two-door sedan as well as the nifty convertible 
shown above, the GTA is powered by a two-liter. 95-hp four-cylin- 
der engine mated with a close-ratio five-speed gearbox and per- 
formance suspension. The last stuck to the twisty Wyoming roads 
like a burr to a burro, һе Iping turn in a 0-to-60 time of 9.9 seconds. 


Estimated prices for the cars (as we go to press) аге 58999 for the 
512,899 for the convertible. Cheap thrills, 


two-doc 


PAYING LIP SERVICE 
TO AM/FM 


You've probably sung along with plenty of 


radios; now there's one that sings along 
with you. Yes, the Blabber Mouth talking 
radio actually talks or sings along with 
whatever AM or FM radio station you've 
tuned in—the red lips moving in sync 
with the sounds, The Blabber Mouth will 
able at Sears, |С Penney 
about every other store that you'd expect 
to stock a $15 talking radio. Buy one. 
tune it to something by Talking Heads 
and watch Blabber Mouth go wild 


nd just 


THE GREAT WHITE WAY 
GOES YOUR WAY 


“Your name will light up Broadway—the 
Great White Way. At the crossroads of 
the world—Times Square!” Yes, thrill 
seckers, Broadway Lights will put what- 
ever message you like (keep it clean) in 
lights on Broadway and then send you an 
8” x 10" matted photograph or a 20” x 30° 
photo poster for $105. Broadway Lights, 
134 Middle Neck Road, Great Neck, New 
York 11021, will provide all the info (or 
call them at 1-800-852-0483. New Yorkers 
312-1777 collect). And you 
get a certificate of authenticity, too. 


can call 1-212 


CORKS GO CORDLESS 


The Wine Kev, the first cordless 
electric corkscrew, is finding in 
stant acceptance among oe- 
nophiles in search of the perfect 


pull; and after trying it ourselves, 


we сап see why. All you do 
is press a button and the cork- 
screw is driven into the 
cork. Press it again and the 
cork pops out of the bottle 
Then press it once more to 
release the cork. The Wine 
Key is available from Meyer 
Corporation, U.S., 700 Forbes 
Boulevard, South San Fran- 
cisco, California 94080, for $35, 
postpaid (batterics not included) 
Of course, it's rechargeable 

We went through a couple of 
cases of vintage Cháteau Apple 
Dapple just checking it out 


THE INTERNATIONAL 
CITIZE| 


Citizen, the wizard of inexpen- 
sive watches, has just launched 
a new product, the World Time- 
piece Alarm & Calculator, that 
should find a place on the desk 
of every international armchair 
traveler, Measuring опу 27 x 
ЗИ”, the wedge-shaped World 
Timepiece displays at a touch 
the time in 24 cities, with New 
York, London and local time 
permanently displayed. It’s also 
an electronic beeper alarm and 
a solar calculator with three 
memory keys—all this for about 
$25 in major stores. And if the 
units wedge shape isn't right for 
you, Citizen also makes a 
wallet-size version for your 
designer suitcase 


THE RIGHT FRIGHT 


There's a new breed of mask 
makers out there, and one оГ 
the best is John Dods Studio. 
234 George Street, New 
Brunswick, New Jersey 

08901. Moon Man (up front) 
proves there is somebody up 
there who looks as if he loves 
green cheese ($125). At $375, 
the limited-edition Gothic 
Alien (right) is for serious 
collectors only. (His monster 
hands cost $98.) And don't 
let the silly grin on that 
Venusian Mutant fool you: 
he'll tear the flesh right off 
your skull! He's only $125 
Scream, gang, scrcam. 


ЖШ 


DL 


UM 


— MODE SELECT READ/SET B= 


BOO E 


Te ga dos ue ST 


GRAPEVIN 


Jeepers, Creepers, Where'd 
Ya Get Those Peepers? 


like Ruth Gordon (opposite page), British model ANELISE 
NESBITTis sporting some offbeat glasses. The specs are a hot 
item in England these days, and so is 
Anelise. We're all for 
a fashion statement 
that won't inter- 
fere with natu- 
ral beauty. 
And you? 


1986 PIP LGI 


А Star Is Born 


HELENA BONHAM CARTER is a 
young actress with extraordinary talent. If you 
saw her recently in A Room with a View, you know what we 
mean. Her next role, as Sally Bowles, will be performed for a British 
TV miniseries and will reach us eventually оп PBS. Since she's 
played so many period women, we thought you'd like to see her in a 
more contemporary pose, just hanging out. 


PAUL NATRIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC 


Tom Waits for No One 

Musician/now stage actor TOM WAITS did a gutsy thing last summer. 
- He wrote and starred in a musical play, Frank's Wild Years, that had a 
sold-out run from Chicago's famous Steppenwolí Theater. He hopes 
| ? to move it оп to New York and London. Waits, as a Las Vegas lounge 
i A lizard, was right on the money and a delight to behold. 


Giving Peace a Chance 


Here's our update on the Amnesty International concerts that took 
place in six American cities last summer: By every measure, financial and 
political, they were a success, thanks in great part to these four 
troubadours, from left to right, BONO, JOAN BAEZ, STING and PETER 
GABRIEL. Amnesty's director, John С. Healey, 

is pleased that the tour made more than 
$2,000,000; but, more important, says 
Healey, "Average Americans un- 


PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC. 


derstand what Amnesty stands 
for and that they can do some- : 
thing about injustice.” Music A 
made the difference. / 

[3 


Not Dressed for Success 

If clothes make the man, actor HOWIE MANDEL is in big trouble. 
What's he up to besides St. Elsewhere? You can look forward to Bobo 
on the big screen. Howie playsthe title role ofa loser who is separated 
from his family at birth and raised by dogs. Yes, dogs. Twenty-five years 
later, he discovers he can inherit his father's fortune if he can get his 
act together and convince anyone of his real identity. Believe us, after 
Bobo, Howie needs lamé. 


1985 PIP / LGI 


1986 RON WOLFSON 161 


What 

a Cut- 

Up! 

English model 
RUTHGORDON 
looks very good, 
even wearing a 
pair of scissors. 
When you're 
starting out, get- 
ting noticed is 
the main point. 
Looking sharp 
can't hurt. 


СОМІМС МЕХТ: 


BANDITS 


BUNDSIGHT 


“THANK HEAVEN FOR THE GIRLS ОҒ 7-ELEVEN"— 
BEHIND THE COUNTERS OF OUR SOMETIME FAVORITE 
CONVENIENCE STORES, WE FOUND BEAUTIES FROM 
SEA ТО SHINING SEA 


“COURTING DISASTER"—A FORMER ATTORNEY GEN- 
ERAL OF THE UNITED STATES ASSESSES THE SU- 
PREME COURT'S RECENT SODOMY DECISION AND 
FINDS IT FAULTY—BY RAMSEY CLARK 

PLUS: “А LAYMAN'S GUIDE TO SEX LAWS," A CHART 
SHOWING WHERE YOU CAN PUT IT, DEPENDING ON 
WHAT STATE YOU'RE IN 


"BANDITS"—FROM ONE OF TODAY'S TOP WRITERS OF 
HARD-BOILED FICTION. THE STORY OF A MORTICIAN'S 
ASSISTANT, A NUN AND A BEAUTIFUL FUGITIVE FROM A 
LEPROSY WARD—BY ELMORE LEONARD 


7-ELEVEN 


"HOMAGE TO MM”—WE WERE SURPRISED (AND DE- 
LIGHTED) TO DISCOVER MORE PREVIOUSLY UNPUB- 
LISHED PHOTOS OF OUR FIRST SWEETHEART OF THE 
MONTH, MARILYN MONROE 


BRYANT GUMBEL REVEALS HOW THE TODAY SHOW 
WORKS AND DON JOHNSON TAKES US WELL BEHIND 
THE SCENES OF MIAMI VICE IN A PAIR OF SOCKO 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEWS 


KOKO, THE SIGNING APE, CARRIES ON A PERFECTLY 
BEASTLY CONVERSATION IN “20 QUESTIONS” 


“BLINDSIGHT”—ON THE SATELLITE WORLD OF VAL- 
PARAISO, АМ EYELESS MAN HIRES A GUIDE FOR A TRIP. 
INTO OBLIVION—BY ROBERT SILVERBERG 


“FILM ALL MONSTERS"—ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN 
SHOOT THEM, AS WE DID, IN THE COMPANY OF COME- 
LY BARBARA CRAMPTON, STAR OF RE-ANIMATOR 


PLUS: FICTION BY TOM MCGUANE, JOYCE CAROL OATES, JOHN UPDIKE AND BILLY CRYSTAL; “INSIDER TRAD- 
ING,” THE HUMAN SIDE OF THE DENNIS LEVINE CASE, BY JOHN D. (CONFESSIONS OF A STOCKBROKER) 


SPOONER; VISITS BY JEAN PENN WITH "THE KIDS OF ROCK 'N' ROLI 


AMONG THEM DWEEZIL AND MOON 


UNIT ZAPPA, GUNNAR AND MATTHEW NELSON; “HAITI AFTER BABY DOC,” A MOODY LOOK AT THE НЕМІ- 
SPHERE'S POOREST COUNTRY. BY HERBERT GOLD; “LIFE IN THE DUMB LANE,” BY REG POTTERTON; 
“PLAYBOY’S PLAYMATE REVIEW”; A BOLD NEW LOOK AT “SEX STARS OF 1986,” BY JIM HARWOOD; "BOB BOZE 
BELL'S CHRISTMAS STORY”; AND OTHER GOODIES PACKAGED FOR YOUR HOLIDAY ENJOYMENT 


THE GALA CHRISTMAS AND 
33RD ANNIVERSARY ISSUES 


РЕТ | 
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