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“Colbys” 
Sex Star ` 
Stephanie 
Beacham 


The Mafia 
Princess 


Cocaine and 
College % 
Basketball 


And Much More 


о "300955"0 


FEBRUARY 1987 * $3.50 


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PLAYBILL 


irs нако to be a fan of Columbia University's football team. As 
the Penn States and the Floridas of this world were chasing bowl 
bids, the Lions pursued the only record within their grasp—that 
for consecutive losses. In that quest they were unflinchingly 
cheered by piavnoy Contributing Editor and 1963 Columbia 
graduate D. Keith Mano, who in one stretch attended 145 consecu- 
tive Columbia games, In this issue, Mano—author of seven 
novels—contributes his first piece of pryboy fiction, The Last 
Route, illustrated by Karl 
receiver who grabs a piece of glory in his final game; we're glad 
Mano has finally discovered a way to enjoy winning football 

А more dangerous legacy of failure in college athletics pro- 
vides the focus of or nonfiction package this month. As WIESUM 
the saga of the late Universit 
Bias makes its sad procession from basketball court to court of 
law, testimony on the unsavory mix of high-scoring athletes and 
high-test dope has exposed a major sports scandal. Robert Sab- 
bag, author of Snowblind: A Brief Career in the Cocaine Trade, 
hands down a few indictments of his own in a blistering assess- 
ment of Cocaine in College Basketball. 

Any discussion of drugs and sports inevitably turns to the cth- 
ics of drug testing. To consider this issue we've called on an all- 
E line-up of basketball coaches—polled in The View from 
Courtside, by Washington Post columnist Thomas Boswell —most of 
whom favor mandatory drug testing; then P. J. O'Rourke, in [legal 
Procedure?, blows the whistle on this most personal of fouls by 
citing a rulebook called the U.S. Constitution. 

Later this vear, that document will celebrate its 200th birth- 
day, an event that may well be followed by the collapse of the 
American cconomy if Paul Erdman's crystal ball is functioning 
properly. But in Don't Panic, illustrated by Terry Widener, 
Erdman offers advice on ducking the bad times he sees ahead. 

If your idea of ducking the bad climes ahead is to split for the 
Caribbean at the first sign of snow, Senior Staff Writer James R 
Petersen has contrary advice: Mect the beast head on. In Call of 
the Wild, he straps on cross-country skis to glide through the 
back country of the West. When you book your plane reserva- 
s, pay heed to Jane Costello and John Hol- 
land's Flight Pay, tips on getting maximum mileage from 


‚um. 105 the story of an aging 


a 


BOSWEI 


tions for the wilde: 


er plans. ri c 
ilcage adventure of a different kind can be found in 
our other fiction ollering, Pntermission, written by Robert Coover А 
nd illustrated by Amold Roth. As the story opens, our buxom, 
horny but most of all hungry heroine steps out to a movie-the 
lobby to pick up a snack, only to be whisked away on an adven- 
tre that would make Indiana Jones blanch, 

Of course, Indy is a high-blood-pressure type compared with 
this month's iceman interviewee, Mickey Rourke, the guy who 
cracked the whip on Kim Basinger in last year’s controversial film 
91 Weeks. Jerry Stahl tracked him down. Also answering ques- 
i 20 of them—is Ed Begley, Jr, St. Elsewhere's Dr. Victor 
` Ehrlich, interviewed by Bill Zehme. 

But enough analysis of this month's prose; on with thc poses 
If you've missed Alaska since our February 1986 salute to the 
women of the tundra, check out Miss February 1987, Julie Peter- 
son, who, you'll remember, warmed us during that first arctic 
campaign. For those interested in learning the Family business, 
Pompeo Posar's pictorial on author Antoinette Giancana—a.k.a. the 
Mafia Princess—should be captivating. A dynastic darling of 
another kind is Stephanie Beacham, Brit bitch of TV's Dynasty H- 
The Colbys. who posed belore the cameras of Doug Kirkland and 
Patrick Lichfield long belore her break on American tell 
once bitten by Phillip Dixon's photographs of Danish beani 
Knudsen, you may find yourself howling at the moon. Long win- 
ter nights get us all a bit worked up. That must be why they 
vented Valentine's Day, and the February rıayuos, for a beau- 
tiful break from the midwinter gloom, Enjoy. 


” q ВО PROOF: IMPORTED AND BOTTLEO BY O 1986 HEUBLEIN, INC., HARTFORD, CONN. I! 
nen, 


a | 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 34, no. 2—february 1987 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL ........ 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY. : е en 9 
PLAYBOY; AFTER HOURS eec e 13 
SPORTS DAN JENKINS 23 
MEN ЕС ЯР Denise ASA BABER 24 
WOMEN O RATS wawas ........ CYNTHIA HEIMEL 26 
AGAINST THE WIND ..... . CRAIG VETTER 27 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 29 
DEAR PLAYMATES. ........ 31 
THE PLAYBOY РОВОМ ............... MEOS HERR 33 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: MICKEY ROURKE— candid conversation tore SP C) 
СОСАІМЕ—агійсіе......................... sees. ROBERT SABBAG 56 


DRUG TESIS 
THE VIEW FROM COURTSIDE—symposium . THOMAS BOSWELL 58 
ILLEGAL PROCEDURE?—article............ $ ..P. J. O'ROURKE 59 
BEING BITIEN-— pictorial anst saa а терда amas aa 62 
OLD GUARD/AVANT-GARDE—fashion . .. - S HOLLIS WAYNE 70 
INTERMISSION—fiction . ROBERT COOVER 74 


Eventful Intermission 


МАНА PRINCESS—pi TT do E, SN 76 
THE LAST ROUTE—fiction sri. D. KEITH MANO 82 
COFFEE: NOT THE SAME OLD GRIND—drink............ EMANUEL GREENBERG B4 
EASY RIDER— playboy's playmate of the month ............................- . 86 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY. JOKES—hUmoer ане sana А S SN О А ЫП 98 


Equestrienne Playmate 
CALL OF THE WILD—article. . . 


DONT PANIC—article . 
FLIGHT PAY—modern living 


.. JAMES R. PETERSEN 100 
- PAUL ERDMAN 104 
JANE COSTELLO ond JOHN HOLLAND 107 


THE COLBYS' STEPHANIE BEACHAM- pictorial 112 
YEAR IN SEX—pictorial 124 
20 QUESTIONS: ED BEGLEY, JR. с pede 1130 
FAST FORWARD š gsi 134 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ................ Wea eror eet de some 163 Flying High 


COVER STORY 

The lody playing Robbit peekaboo is New York fashion model Joanne Rus- 
sell, photogrophed by Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. Joonne's 
make-up is by Yolanda, her hair by John Victor, her earrings by Ugo 
Carreani and her gloves by Noomi Misle. The combined effect was zipped 
up by stylist Lee Ann Perry and produced by Associate Photography Editor 
Michael Ann Sullivan. Note that, unlike the White Rabbit, our hare is on time. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY surowa. 9 NORTH MICHIGAN AVE. CHICAGO. NINOS вол. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS. Ондун AND PHOTOCRAPS SUBMITTED IF THEY ARE YO DE 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
‘TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 


NONFICTION: JOHN REZEK articles editor; PETER 
MOORE associate editor; FICTION: ALICER. TURNER 
editor; TERESA GROSCH associate editor; WEST 
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GREICH 
EN EDGREN, PATRICIA PAPANGELIS (administration). 
DAVID STEVENS senior editors; WALTER LOWE, JR 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writers; BARBARA. 
NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER (new 
york) associate editors; BRUCE KLUGER assistant edi- 
dor; KANDI KLINE traffic coordinator: MODERN 
LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor; PHILLIP COOP- 
ER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE edi- 
tor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: 
ARLENE BOURAS editor; JOYCE RUBIN assistant editor 
CAROLYN BROWNE, STEPHEN FORSLING, DEBRA HAM. 
MOND, CAROL KEELEY, BARI NASH, MARY ZION Té- 
searchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. 
E JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE 
GROBEL, WILLIAM J HELMER, DAN JENKINS, D. KEITH 
MANO, REG POTTERTON, RON REAGAN, DAVID RENSIN, 
RICHARD RHODES, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies), GARY WITZENBURG 


ART 

KERIG POPE managing director; CHET S LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO KOU- 
VATSOS associate directors; KAREN CAEBE. KAREN 
GUTOWSKY junior directors; JOSEPH PACZEK assist 
ат director; FRANK LINDNER, DANIEL REFD, ANN 
SEIDL art assistants; BARBARA HOFFMAN administra- 
tive manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON, JAN- 
ICE MOSES. MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; 
PATTY BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR sen- 
ior staff photographer; paviD MECEY, KERRY MORRIS 
staff photographers; DAVID GHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, 
ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, STEPHEN WAYDA CON- 
tribuling photographers; TRIA HERMSEN, ELYCE 
KAPOLAS stylists; JAMES WARD color lab supervisor 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
ELEANORE WAGNER, JODY  JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, RITA JOHNSON assistants 


READER SERVICE 


CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager; UNDA STROM, 
NIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


CIRCULATION 


RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD subscrip- 
tion manager 


ADVERTISING 


MICHAEL CARR national sales manager; ZOE 
AQUILLA chicago manager; ELAINE HERSHMAN 
eastern manager; KATIE MARIN western manager; 
JOHN PEASLEY direct response 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
J P. nM DOLMAN assistant publisher; MARCIA 
TERRONES rights ES permissions manager; EILEEN 
KENT contracts administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


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919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
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CHRISTIE ON CENSORSHIP 

I have had the opportunity to watch a 
video of Christie Hefner’s address to the 
National Press Club in Washington, D.C., 
and I would like to say that it is absolutely 
the best discussion of censorship and free- 
dom of the press that I have yet heard. I 
think it would be advisable for you to con- 
dense this speech to a half hour and show 
it in areas where the National Federation 
for Decency has exploited the Meese 
commission 

It is unfortunate that not everyone in 
this country has an opportunity to he 
and see Hefner's presentation, because I 
believe that it could help people better 
understand that the issue is not “porno, 
raphy,” as the Meese commission calls it, 
but, rather, whether we will preserve onc 
of the great American freedoms—freedom 
of the pres 


ar 


Charles Nirenberg 
Chairman of the Board and 
Chief Executive Officer 
Dairy Mart Convenience Stores 
Enfield, Connecticut 
For some of Hefner's remarks, see 


Speaks Out” in this month's 
Forum.” 
CAN WE TALK ABOUT JOAN? 


Nancy Collins” Playboy Interview with 
Joan Rivers (November) captures the 
essence of this nation’s leading comedi- 
enne, a woman who has been a driving 
force in comedy for the past two dec- 
ades. Move over, Carson, because 
“Heeere’s Joanie.” 


William B. Boyce 
Poultney, Vermont 


Is she outrageous? The Joan Rivers 
interview in your November issue is a 
scream! The lady is genuine and probably 
the most outstanding female comic of our 
time. Many thanks for a brilliant inter- 
view! 


Harold Lee Allgeier 
Eric, Pennsylvania 


Joan Rivers says that she “adored” Ron 
and Nancy Reagan but that she’s sud- 
denly frightened by the conservative and 
repressive direction this country is taking, 
What took her so long? These repressive 
changes have been the hallmark of the 
Reagan Presidency since its very begin- 
ning! What good is it to be dazzled by the 
style of a charismatic politician when you 
suddenly 
arrested in the privacy of your own bed- 
room? 


realize that you can now be 


Dan J. Curtis 
Los Angeles, California 


Joan Rivers says, “I’m apolitical—until 
something gets me angry. My first ques- 
tion is always, “How does it affect 
When they were doing the benefit for 
the homeless, Comic Relief, Rodney 
Dangerfield had one of the funniest lines. 
They called Rodney to be on the show and 
he said, ‘Fuck the homeless. What have 
they done for Israel? [Laughs]." 

This may be humor to Rivers and 
Dangerfield, but the mentality it demon- 
strates makes the uproar over less cruel or 
biased remarks by former Interior Secre- 
tary James Watt and Jesse Jackson 
(remember “Hymiewown”?) pale by com- 


Charles O. We 
Arlington, Virgi 


VETTER KEEPS GETTING BETTER 

Climbers (eLavvor, November) is Craig 
Vetter at his best, like good, clean, tex- 
tured granite. He describes so well what 
lots of us rock-climbers feel. 

You've got half a dozen writers who do 
the urban—and the urbane—and do it 
well. Keep Vetter on the hard, wild fringe 
He understands it, inside and out 

Eric Stahl 
Prescott, Arizona 


KANSAN KICKS 

The Ordinary People who rent X-rated 
videos, about whom Susan Squire writes 
(р.лувох, November), could very easily be 
my husband and I, even though we are 


CENTURY 


THE NEW ALBUM FROM 


STEVE 
MILLER 
BAND 


IT'LL TAKE YOU 
AS GUITAR AS 
YOU CAN GO. 


q Sot 


INB SAILOR RECORDS 


PRODUCED BY STEVE MILLER FOR SAILOR MUSIC 


Capitol. 


PLAYROY 


(Yes, 
even Kansans know what 1Us all about.) 


very small town in Kansas. 


We've been married 11 years and have two 
small boys. I’m usually the one who picks 
out the videos, since my husband works 
all day and Гт а housewife. Once а week, 
I go w our favorite video store, grab a 
Disney movie for the kids and an adult 
movie for us older kids. I don’t think any- 
one looks twice 
becausc it's what we enjoy, and I haven't 


I don't care, anyway, 


turned into a perverted 32-year-old yet! 
Kathy Gregg 
Nickerson, Kansas 


A HEAD OF THE SKIN GAME 

Nance Mitchell's article Winning the 
Skin Game (riavbov, November) is excel 
lent. She mentions products on skin care 
for the face, but what about skin-care 
products for bald heads? 1 am 71 years old 
and take good care of my bald head, just 
as I do the rest of my body. 

Bald is beautiful and bald is sexy. I get 
compliments from both men and women 
on my chrome dome. Why not show pho- 
tos of older bald men? My wife thinks i's a 
good idea, too. 

By the way, we both enjoy your maga- 
as much now as we did in our 
younger years. 


zine 


Julius Schulman 
San Antonio, Texas 


DO DE DUDE, DOO-WAA 

Mel Green's article Dudes 
November) is as cool as his subject mat- 
ter. However, he omits the following 


(PLAYBOY, 


essential dude don’ 

* Dudes don't do aerobics, ever 

+ Dudes don't wear galoshes 

* Dudes don't list John Ritter as their 
favorite actor 

* Dudes don't buy albums by Howard 
Jones or O.M.D. 

+ Dudes don’t join Rotary clubs. 

+ Dudes don't give money to Jim and 
Tammy Faye Bakker 

* Dudes don't eat with chopsticks; they 
clean their cars with them. 

* Dudes don't list Edwin Meese as their 
favorite politician. 


Jamie McSkimming 
Pickering, Onta 


SEEING ISN'T NECESSARILY BELIEVING 

In the Grapevine 
November issue, there is a picture from 
the Amnesty International concert that 
identifies the man standing next to Sting 
as Peter Gabriel. If Lam not mistaken, itis 
actually Bryan Adams. 


section of your 


Fred Svekric 
Cleveland, Ohio 
We apologize lo 
Adams, one of our favorite performers, for 
the misidentification. 


You're not mistaken. 


PRIMA DONNA 
Miss November, 

(Sold On Donna, PLAYBOY, 
looks fantastic! She's my 
Playmate of the Year 
saying, “I'm available.” Is she accepting 
applications? Where do I apply? 

L. Ramsey 

Vancouver, Washington 


Edmondson 
November). 
choice for 


Donna 


You quote her as 


I had never thought that religious, vir- 
ginal women would allow themselves to 
be photographed nude, as did the Novem- 
ber Playmate, Donna 
If there is a chance th 
woman like Donna, I guess ГЇЇ have to 
start attending Sunday services agai 

Randall J. Rund 
Prairie Village, Kansas 


Edmondson. 


t I may meet a 


Donna Edmondson is evid 
can be a Christian yet still have fun. She's 
to be commended for staying pure, as she 
claims, in this society. (Many's the time 1 
wish I still were.) 


c that you 


Michael Rickard 
Redlands, California 


As a 
Fede 
time 


primary-care provider in the 
al Public Health 
subscriber to 


Service and a long- 
your 
feel that you may have been remiss in 
failing to place a warning label on the 
cover of your November issue. The 


magazine, 1 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


presence of Playmate Donna Edmondson 
could place some individuals with cardiac 
conditions at considerable health risk. 

Lt. Cmdr. Michael Seybold, R.Ph. 


Weatherford, Oklahoma 


“The cadets of the Fourth Squadron at 
the U.S. Air Force Academy would like to 
Donna Edmondson to visit our 


invite 

institution, and we extend to her an offer 

to go skiing or to take in an Air Force foot- 

ball game any time she would like to 

come. She's the kind of lady most of us 
dream of. How about another look? 

Matthew J. Dickerson, С2С, U.S.A.F. 

Christopher J. Kubick, C26, U.S.A.F. 

U Force Academy 

Colorado Springs, Colorado 

OK, Matt and Chris, here's another look. 

But let us give you guys some brotherly 
ERA 


advice. If you really want to get to know a 


girl on your first dale, it’s best not to take 


along all the guys in the squadron. That 
tends to cut down on meaningful interac- 
tion. 


DEVIN RATES 11 (ON A TEN-POINT 
SCALE) 

I was overwhelmed when I laid eyes on 
Devin De Vasquez on the cover of the 
November issuc—not to mention the pho- 
tos of her fabulously luscious body inside 
the magazine (Revvin' Devin). The photos 
show all of her glamor. I fell in love with 


her at first sight. A real knockout. 
Charles Denni 
Comstock, New York 


1 was reading the text of the Devin 
De Vasquez pictorial in the November 
maynoy (force of habit; when you write for 
a game show, you read everything you get 
your hands on), and I found a mistake. 
Star Search is a good show, but it isn't 
number two in syndication. Jeopardy! is. 
(October Nielsen ratings are enclosed for 
your reference.) Star Search is number 
nine. 


Carlo Panno 
Writer-Rescarcher, Jeopardy! 
Mery Griffin Enterprises 

Hollywood, Calif 


а 


Thanks for the latest research. “Star 
Search" was, indeed, number nine in 
October. 


A LETTER TO OUR READERS 

Many of you send us letters or 
packages, then wonder why you never see 
them acknowledged in “Dear Playboy.” 
Here are some bits of advice we hope 
you'll remember: 

1. Sign your full name and include 
your address. We don't publish anony- 
mous letters or letters signed merely with 
initials. 

2. Don't send subscription renewals to 
“Dear Playboy." Send them to PLAYBOY, 
P.O. Box 55206, Boulder, Colorado 
80321-5206. 

3. If you want to propose yourself or a 
female frend for Playmate, send. the 
photo to Playmate Editor, Photography 
Department. 

4. While we appreciate the humor of 
your baby perched on a toilet or in a bath- 
tub reading pinoy, we regretfully are 
unlikely to publish such pictures. The 
same goes for those inventive snapshots of 
vegelables—or, едай, the vegetables 
themselves—shaped like various parts of 
the human anatomy. Please save such 


memorabilia for the famil album. 
As always, of course, thanks for your 
continuing support. 


Suggested read price a 
pice qil 
= 


пш 
— 


Bag, 255 Th same az Met ot agar PESOS © 


. THE TASTE BEYOND BOLD. 


RUMPLE MINZE PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS. IMPORTED FROM GERMANY. ENJOY IN MODERATION. 
100 Proof Liqueur. Imported by The Paddington Corp, New York, NY, U.S.A. 
sued 10922" poster cf this ad, please send $3.00 to Rumple Minze, Dept. B, P.O. Box 2456, New Britain CT 06051 
To send a gift of Rumple Minze anywhere in the U S., call 800-238-4373. Vod where prohibited. b 
a ыы E. 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


DR. COUCH POTATO 


Is nothing sacred? MTV—the recent 
savior of the record industry, the fashion 
wendsetter, the largest single source of 
surrealism since Salvador Dali—is in 
trouble. Its ratings are dwindling. What's 
gone wrong? Since MTV execs don't seem 
to know or are unavailable for comment— 
MTV president Bob Pittman has left the 
channel—we asked Peter Lehman, a 42- 
year-old University of Arizona professor 
who watches a lot of MTV. He has to—he 
teaches one of the country's first and pos- 
sibly last college course devoted to MTV 

Professor Lehman blames blandness 
“The potential of MTV is being lost 
because it has been forced to be as 
innocuous as possible. It has become less 
experimental and has lost its sense of rock 
camaraderie that this is our music." 

So how would Lehman fix it? More 
hard rock, more innovative music, more 
adventurousness. “Even if MTV has a 
temporary setback, I don't think it will go 
down the tubes. In any case,” said the 
videophile, “some of my students are turn- 
ing out their own music videos, and you 
don't need MTV for that. So ГИ still be 
teaching videos.” 

Thanks a lot, Professor Lehman 


SEX TIPS FOR NOW PEOPLE 


Note to comedian Sam “Louder than 
Hell” Kinison, who ended his last HBO 
show with a plea from all men to all 
women, “Tell us what you want and we'll 
do it”; Shave her legs, Sam. See what hap- 
pens. It’s smooth. [t's cool. And, according 
to some ad guys we know, leg shaving is 
what women really want. Next question. 


FOREVER ELVIS. 


We're always confused by Declan Mac- 
Manus and his unending identity cri 
He made his name as Elvis Costello, the 
legally changed it back to Declan 
MacManus but in 1986 toured as Elvis 
Costello, credited his songs to MacManus 
and m.c.cd his shows as greasy game- 
show host Napoleon Dynamite. We asked 


s 


-his-name, what he called his boss. 
” he shot back. “Whether he likes it 
or not—that's his name.” 


THE MAN WHO ATE NEW YORK 


What do you do if someone is eating 
your garder? If you're New York City, you 
nab him and then you hire him. Botanist 
Steve “Wildman” Brill was arrested by 
Central Park law-enforcement officers for 
conducting walking tours of the park, 
showing urbanites which plants are edible 
and stopping occasionally to munch. He 
was charged with “criminal mischief” for 
want of a more specific law against graz- 
ing. Ultimately, the Parks and Recreation 
Department dropped all charges and 
hired Brill to conduct the tours under 
department guidelines. Once again, jus- 
tice breaks down and another dangerous 
vegetarian runs amuck. 


EASY READER 


Most of the hot new novel-length comic 
books have been pretty serious—you 


could write term papers about them. Now 
Comico is publishing a graphic novel that 
isn’t serious at all. The World of Ginger Fox 
features sex, fashion and kung-fu as the 
titular young-woman exec saves a found- 
ering Hollywood studio. It's silly and fun 
and totally unfit to be a term-paper topic. 


COLA UPDATE 


Regular readers will remember that last 
spring, we reported on the cllicacy of 
various colas as spermicides. That time 
around, Classic Coke appeared to be the 
supreme sperm basher. Now comes Jolt— 
the new cola that boasts superhigh dos- 
ages of both caffeine and sugar. We 
wondered how it affected sperm, so we 
asked Vanderbilt University reproductive 
biologist Janc Rogers to investigate, She 
found that Jolt performed badly. It killed 
only half the sperm—in contrast to Diet 
Coke's 95 percent—and, in fact, seemed 
to energize the surviving sperm. We don’t 
recommend any cola as a douche, since 
long-range efficacy has not been estab- 
lished. However, the efficacy of commer- 
cial spermicides has been documented, 
and we do recommend their use—but not 
as beverages 


WE STAND BY OUR SOURCES, 
JUST THE SAME 


The Chicago Sun-Times ran this correc- 
tion: “An article in yesterday's Sun-Times 
incorrectly reported that the DePaul Uni- 
versity student newspaper headlined a 
story about the killing of a student on 
campus on the eve of weekend visits by 
three prominent basketball recruits. 
"There was no killing and the student 
newspaper did not have such a headline.” 

Except for these minor details, we 
assume the rest of the story was accurate. 


LONELY-HEARTS NEWS 


A mew lifestyle publication recently 
crossed our desk—the Separation/ Divorce 
Newsletter, a six-page bimonthly covering 
all aspects of breaking up, including tips 
on selecting a lawyer, dealing with friends 


13 


u 


RAW DATA 


Percentage of do 
tors who have ever 
used mood-altering 
drugs: 59. Of medical 
students: 77. Of doc- 
tors who have used 
such drugs in the past 
year: 33. Of medical 
students: 44. 

E 

Average salary of 
a National Hock 
ey League pla 
$140,000. Salary of 
Mi ta North 
Star Frantisek Musil 
before he defected 


team won. Current 

an estimated $120,000 per 

ycar—that's $1500 per game, win or lose. 
. 

Percentage of black executives who 


believe their companies patronize 
them: 41. 
. 
Percentage of the houschold chores 


shared by Israeli men who are 
36. By those who are unem- 


P 
Number of convenience stores in 
New York State: one per 6389 house- 
holds. In Oklahoma: one per 985 
houscholds. 
б 
entage of death certificates that 
incorrectly list cause of death: 29. 
. 

Number of existing machines that 
can read computer tape from the 1960 
U.S. census: two. One of them is in 
Japan. 


. 
Number of people under the age of 
15 who were arrested in 1983: 564,983. 
Over the age of 55: 375,271. 
. 

Amount of flavor enhancers needed 
to produce "acceptable taste" in chick- 
en hot dogs: 78 parts per 1,000,000. 
In all-beef hot dogs: zero. 

. 

Number of students enrolled in U.S. 

law schools: 118,700. 
б 

Number of seminarians studying for 

the priesthood: 11,028. 
. 


Number of Mer- 
cedes-Benzes in the 
United States in 1986: 
more than 900,000. 

. 


Amount of beer 
Americans drink ev- 
сту hour: 6,991,000 
12-ounce bottles. 

. 

Largest medical- 
malpractice verdict 
оп record: $29,220,000, 
for failure to diagnose 
meningitis. 

б 

Portion of the 
world's attorneys who 
are American: two thirds. 

. 

Percentage ol unemployed workers 
in the U.S. who collected unemploy- 
ment compensation in September 
1986: 29. In May 1975: 67. 

. 

Portion of the work force that does: 
work from nine to five: men, 26 pe 
cent; women, 18 percent. 

Commonly noted effects of work- 
ing nonstandard shifis: increased job 
stress, drinking and social dysfunc- 
tion. 


. 
Percentage of school administrators 
think that “casual attire” causes 
discipline problems: 77. 

. 

Number of Communist Party mem- 
bers in Jamaica: 50. In New Zealan 
50. In the U.S.: 17,500. In China: 
40,000,000. 


. 
Number of U.S. teenagers between 
15 and 19 who will kill themselves this 
year: 1700. 
б 

A few arcas in which Nevada is a 
leader among states: male and female 
suicides, marriages, cheapest Caesar- 
ean-section operation available—29 
percent below national average. 

. 

Amount of potatoes grown in Poland 
each year: 36,000,000 tons. Amount of 
potatoes caten by an average Pole in a 
year: 330 pounds. 

——ТОМ YOUNG, PAUL ENGLEMAN and 
ROBERT WOLF 


and family and renewing dating. We think 
there are other unique lifestyle situations 
that may deserve their own newsletters 
if S.D.N. is a success. Consider the possi- 
bilities: Affairs Monthly, Hermaphrodites’ 
Biweekly and—well, why not?—The Daily 
Double, for those who often enjoy a ménage 
à trois. 


GO WITH THE FLOW 


At a New York area Ozzy Osbourne 
concert, the photographers’ pit was sand- 
bagged with Kitty Litter. Promoters had 
provided festival scating—no assigned 
seats—and fans would do almost anything 
to keep from losing their seats near the 
stage, even if it meant, uh, powdering 
their noses in public. Hits magazine 
reports that the Kitty Litter effectively 
stopped the resulting downhill flow before 
it reached the stage. We wonder whether 
Ozzy has considered paper training his 
fans. 


MIXING BUSINESS WITH BUSINESS 


When hookers have a convention, do 
they go outand hire drunken businessmen 
to go back to their rooms? Not quite. 
When the International Committee for 
Prostitutes’ Rights met in Brussels, a 
reporter asked a young delegate, “Who's 
paying for your room?” 

“Maybe you, if you want,” answered 
the delegate. Well, it's one way of shaving 
those travel expenses 


INQUIRING COMRADES 
WANT TO KNOW 


Two Soviet newspapers reported that 
the AIDS epidemic was engineered by а 
United States biological-warfare program, 
so U.S. Ambassador Arthur Hartman has 
sent harsh letters of protest to the editors. 
“I can only conclude,” he wrote, “that 
[the stories] represent nothing more than 
a blatant and repugnant attempt to sow 
hatred and fear of Americans among the 
Soviet population. . . ." Yes, and with that 
type of journalism, Soviet papers would 
probably sell real well at American super- 
markets. 


FAREWELL TO BANANA REPUBLIC? 


Jack Hemingway, son of Ernest, has 
obtained trademark protection for the 
family name to market Hemingway prod- 
ucts. Jack says that Papa’s name will most 
likely be used to sell outdoor clothing. 
How about a Hemingway men's co- 
logne—combining the essence of sweat, 
fear, clk musk, French wildflowers and 
Spanish bullshit? 


NOT FOR CRYBABIES 
We spotted this ad in Soldier of Fortune: 
“Just like Daddy! Lightweight and dura 
ble camouflage designer wear for new- 
borns to age three. A loving gift for the 
best buddy you'll ever have.” 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


HIS FANS, like it or not, will find that Har- 
rison Ford has traveled light-years from 
Star Wars and Witness to his role as the 
obsessed, exasperating hero of The Mos- 
quito Coast (Warner). He's Allie Fox, а 


self-styled visionary and survivalist who 
moves his wife and four kids to a jungle 
wilderness because he hates what's hap- 
pening to America. He’s also a dreamer, 


own and 
machine with which he hopes 
ignorant savages. Even Fox's 
stand him, and the audience is invited to 
identify with their frustration under 
duress. Helen Mirren, as Mother, and 
teenaged actor River Phoenix, as the eld- 
est son, are Coast's most sympathetic char- 
acters. Australian director Peter Weir and 
screenplay author Paul Schrader only half 
the essence of Paul 
Theroux’s best seller, a resonant tale of 
high adventure with dark, symbolic un- 
dercurrents. Getting any of it right docs 
them credit, considering the thickets of 
vivid Theroux prose they have to wade 
through. On film, Mosquito Coast is 
bizarre and unsettling but smashingly 
photographed—on the Caribbean coast of 
Belize—and memorable for Ford’s un- 
compromising portrayal of a man who 
intends to get away from it all but who 
has, in fact, taken it all with him. ¥¥¥ 
. 

To sec a fine idea and a powerful theme 
frittered away by third-rate film making i 
conspicuous waste, but that’s how it goes 
with Sweet Country (Cinema Group). 
There is intrinsic fascination in a family 
drama developing in the eye of the politi- 
cal hurricane that swept Chile after the 
1973 overthrow and assassination of its 
leftist liberal leader, Salvador Allende. 
The bad news is that writer-director 
Michael (Zorba Ihe Greck) Cacoyannis has 
n ged to sabotage an awesome interna- 
tional cast ( Jane Alexander, Irenc Papas, 
Franco Nero, Joanna Pettet, Carole Laure 
and Randy Quaid, to name a few) with 
reams of talky exposition and a stultifying 
cinematic style. The action is so slow that 
one has time to wonder why the hell 
Quaid, for example, should be playing a 
malicious Chilean MP. Cacoyannis dims 
his stars uncannily and downgrades Sweet 
Country (based on Caroline Richards’ 
novel) from a blistering indictment of U.S. 
policies in Latin America to a misbegotten 
soap opera. YY 


. 

Brooklyn in 1937 is re-created with loy 
care in Brighton Beach Memoirs (Universal), 
adapted by Neil Simon from his Broadw 
hit about growing up young, gifted and 
Jewish. Abetted by director Gene Saks, 
Simon has been just as meticulous, unfor- 


Feverish Ford on Mosquito Coast. 


Harrison Ford as a 
pain in the ass; 
Dietrich as a crank. 


tunately, in preserving the staginess of his 
quasi-autobiographical human comedy. 
Jonathan Silverman archly plays the 15- 
ycar-old Eugene, whose Memoirs these are 
supposed to be, addressing Simon's gags 
about wet dreams, whacking off and wom- 
ankind directly to the audience. Close 
your eyes and you'll swear you're listening 
to Matthew Broderick, who created the 
role on stage. Puberty blues is not the 
freshest film subject, and instead of inject- 
ing new cinematic life into the play, Saks 
and Simon have killed and effectively 
embalmed it with wrongheaded casting. 
Bob Dishy and Brian Drillinger pretty 
well pass muster as Eugene’s father and 
brother. As his Jewish momma and his 
widowed aunt, however, Blythe Danner 
and Judith Ivey in tandem provide classic 
proof of how fine actresses can fail by 
stretching too far. They may be Jewish, for 
all I know, but Danner and Ivey don't 
come across sufficiently kosher to redeem 
Brighton Beach. YW 
. 

You saw him as the indolent son-in-law 
Terms of Endearment, then as the out-of 
the-frame film hero in The Purple Rose of 
Cairo. But Jeff Daniels truly comes into his 
own as an abducted Yuppie in Jonathan 
Demme's deft and daffy Something Wild 
(Orion). Fledgling screenwriter E. Max 
Frye has dreamed up a tall tale full of 
about-faces, shocks and oddball surprises, 
most of them dumped on Daniels, whose 
gangly charm smacks of early James Stew- 
art or Gary Cooper. Matching him scene 


for scene like a nouvelle Judy Holliday, 
Melanie Griffith plays the brash seduc- 
tress who calls herself Lulu and lures D: 
icls away from his lunch hour in New York 
for a lost weekend of sex, violence and 
madcap adventure. Already released 
nationwide as we go to press, Something 
Wild deserves even belated pr: 
bright romantic comedy edged 
Daniels, Griffith and Demme make it well 
worth pursuing in second ru 
sette in the unlikely event that its first run 
fizzles. ¥¥¥ 


or on cas- 


. 

Irresistible as ever, the one and only 
Dietrich simultancously saves and scuttles 
director Maximilian Schell’s Marlene 
(Alive). Forget the usual hearts and flow- 
ers trucked in on such occasions. Now in 
her 80s and camera shy, the venerable 
German-born icon scolds Schell for his 
bad manners (“a terrible, terrible man”), 
pooh-poohs her legendary sex appeal (“I 
wasn't erotic at all . .. | was snotty”) and 
professes total boredom with The Blue 
Angel (“Everyone's sick of it. , . it's rub- 
bish”). Marlene adds up to a gloriously 
crotchety and revealing portrait etched in 
acid. ¥¥¥ 


. 
Klaus Maria Brandauer, an actor 
plainly incapable of anything less than a 
thrilling performance, is reason enough to 
scc Streets of Gold (Fox). As a Soviet- 
Jewish émigré embittered by the religious 
persecution that ended his champion- 
ship boxing career, Brandauer almost 
inglehandedly lifts a fairly conventional 
screenplay well above the level of yet 
another Rocky revisited. Playing a drunken 
has-been in the Russian district of 
Brooklyn's Brighton Beach, reduced to 
scullery work in a local bistro, he finds sal- 
vation by coaching two amateur fighters 
for a match against a visiting Soviet team. 
Adrian Pasdar, as the fighting-Irish con- 
tender, and Wesley Snipes, as a lightning- 
fisted black bomber, are both strong and 
sensitive in support, with Angela Molina 
providing a woman’s tender touch. Under 
Joe Roth’s direction, Streets matches 
kitchen-sink realism with understated 
truth, as when Molina asks, “What kind 
of boys work so hard to become boxers?” 
To which the Irish lad politely answers, 
“Poor boys, ma'am.” ¥¥¥ 
. 

John Frankenheimer's sleek 52 Pick-up 
(Cannon) is the choicest thriller in acons, 
from an Elmore Leonard novel adapted by 
Leonard himself (with John Steppling). 
Co-starring Roy Scheider and Ann- 
Margret asan affluent L.A. couple in deep 
Jeopardy with murderous blackmailers, 
this is a mean, lean and ugly suspense 
drama. With nary a letup in nastiness, 
Pich-up’s harrowing game of wits features 
flashy tricks by Vanity as a porn-parlor 


15 


PLAYBOY 


16 


tart, plus a really knockout stint by John 
Glover, the most suavely poisonous villain 
since waaay back when George Sanders 
made evil deeds look dashing. ¥¥¥ 

. 

Spoofing everything from macho heroics 
to singing cowboys, ¡Three Amigos! (Orion) 
is a slapdash travesty written by Steve 
Martin, coproducer Lorne Michaels and 
composer Randy Newman. Go-stars Mar- 
tin, Chevy Chase and movie newcomer 
Martin Short—a relatively recent Satur- 
day Night Live alumnus—play a trio of 
silent-movie swashbucklers with sombre- 
ros, fresh out of film jobs and into a com- 
сау of errors that brings them face to face 
with a grungy Mexican badman incongru- 
ously named El Guapo (the Handsome 
One), played by Alfonso Arau. Until one 
of them incurs a flesh wound, the actors 
believe they're just putting on a show for a 
town called Santo Poco, which appears to 
be in a permanent state of siesta. Since 
director John Landis’ style seldom uses a 
sly nudge where a flailing slapstick will 
do, some of the gags fall as fiat as cow 
It’s uneven entertainment, but the 
best of it is not to be missed— Pm talking 
about the amigos around the campfire 
under a crimson Western sky, a guitar 
thrumming away while bobcats, coyotes, 
jack rabbits and other prairie creatures 
take five to hear our guys’ rendition of 
Blue Shadows on the Trail. Gene Autry in 
his day may have been similarly funny 
without meaning to be, but Autry never 
notched so many high-decibel horse- 
laughs. ¥¥¥ 


. 

Teenage America, if we're to believe the 
evidence in Rivers Edge (Hemdale 
bleak social landscape inhabited by desen- 
sitized mutants. Here, a bunch of seem- 
ingly ordinary high school students in a 
small town learn that one of their crowd, a 
backward lout (chillingly played by Dan- 
iel Roebuck), has impulsively strangled a 
girl they all know. Asked, “Why did you 
kill her?" the murderer answers, “She was 
talkin’ shit.” As quick as you can say 
Charles Manson, nearly everyone is seri- 
ously considering how to dispose of the 
body and otherwise keep a clearly homi- 
cidal psychopath from getting into trouble 
with the law. River's Edge gets curiouser 
and curiouser, because it is not a horror 
show but a largely realistic drama directed 
by Tim Hunter (who made the estimable 
Tex with Matt Dillon). Crispin Glover (he 
was Michacl J. Fox's fumbling father in 
Back to the Future) plays the hyperkinetic 
leader of the pack, matched twitch for 
twitch by Dennis Hopper as a local loony. 
A long way from the world of Andy 
Hardy. Neal Jimenez” coolly decadent 
script, heavy with angst for the Eighties, 
rubs our noses in Americana gone utterly 
sour. ¥¥ 


. 

The movie version of Native Son (Cinc- 
com), Richard Wright’s classic protest 
novel, is earnest, poignant and probably 


Amigos gang up for a Latin Laugh-In. 


iThree Amigos! brings 
some comic relief 
to the screen. 


as relevant now as when the book first 
appeared in 1940. In spite of that, the film 
seems dated, mainly because Richard 
Wesley's trim adaptation and Jerrold 
Freedman’s journeyman direction bring 
mere competence to 2 work that cries out 
for a spark of cinematic genius. Native Son 
needs a George Stevens, whose Place in the 
Sun made movie history from Theodore 
Dreiser's American Tragedy. There's a link 
between the two novels as epics of social 
injustice, dividing the haves from the 
have-nots, though Wright’s hero is an 
angry, unstable and impoverished black 
youth in prewar Chicago who commits 
murder and pays for it with his own life. 
In a top-of-the-line company headed by 
Oprah Winfrey, Matt Dillon, Carroll 
Baker, Geraldine Page and John Karlen, 
Native Son’s real news maker and rising 
star is newcomer Victor Love, playing the 
role of Bigger Thomas with the feverish, 
headlong intensity of a young Sidney 
Poitier. When Son shines brightest, Love 
has everything to do with it. YYVa 
. 

Given the right kind of material, Julie 
Andrews is a great screen performer. 
Given the smile-through-your-tears senti- 
mentality of Duet for One (Cannon), she's 
about as persuasive as Mary Poppins 
playing Camille, or maybe Medea. She is 
supposed to be a vibrant, world-famous 
violinist stricken by multiple sclerosis in 
this expanded version of a play by Tom 
Kempinski, misdirected by Andrei 
Konchalovsky. Duet for One is the kind of 
piece that either Bette Davis or Joan 
Grawford in her prime might have turned 
into queen bitchery; with Julie, it comes 
out Jell-O. ¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Betty Blue Hot stuff from the director of 
Diva, with Béatrice Dalle. Wh 
Brighton Beach Memoirs (Sec revicw) 
Simonized Broadway hit, miscast. ¥¥ 
Children of a Lesser God William Hurt 
all heart opposite hearing-impaired 
actress Marlee Matlin. WI 
The Color of Money Scorsese’s masterly 
sequel to The Hustler, starring } 
man and Cruise. yyy 
"Crocodile" Dundee Aussic Paul Ho- 
gan takes Manhattan. Featherweight 
fun. YY 
Dancing in the Dark Revenge of the mad 
housewife when her hubby strays. ¥¥¥% 
The Decline of the American Empire A sex- 
ual Donnybrook in academia. ¥¥¥¥% 
Duet for One (Sec review) Just call it 
Julie Andrews without a song. Y 
52 Pick-up (See review) An Elmore 
Leonard thriller done to a turn. ¥¥¥ 
Marlene (Sce review) Dietrich wins on a 
T.K.O. of director Max Schell. ¥¥¥ 
Ménage Stylish French comedy about a 
très gai burglar on the go. wy 
The Mission Genocide in the jungle, with 
Irons and De Niro. WWA 
Tho Mosquito Coast (See review) Back to 
nature with a brand-new Ford. yyy 
Native Son (See review) Earnest effort to 
film Richard Wright classic. WA 
Otello Grand opcra made casy by Zef- 
firelli, Domingo and Co. yyy 
Peggy Sue Got Married Coppola taking 
Kathleen Turner back to the future— 
and she almost justifies the trip. ¥¥ 
Platoon All-Amcrican boys under fire in 
Vietnam. Hellish but gutsy. WY% 
Rivers Edge (See review) Kids go to bat 
for a killer. YY 
Round Midnight Tavernier's superb trib- 
ute to bebop and alll that jazz in Paris 
in the Fifties, Wy 
Something Wild (See review) Screwball 
comedy comes of age. Go with it. ¥¥¥ 
Soul Man Bold, brash, surprisingly 
bright satire stars C. Thomas Howell 
at Harvard Law in blackface. yy 
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home Hardy 
crew saves wlales—and 
Spock learns to swear, sort of. Good 
fun. WI 
Streets of Gold (See review) Boxing 
drama with Brandauer punch. ЖУ 
Sweet Country (Sec review) Chilean pol- 
itics warmed over by Cacoyannis. ¥¥ 
Tai-Pan Clavell’s best seller by the 


the world; 


book, starring Bryan Brown. wy 
¡Three Amigos! (Sce review) Madcaps 
improvising down Mexico way. ¥¥¥ 


True Stories David Byrne and Talking 
Heads at large in Texas. ЕЎ 


YY YY Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


INTRODUCING A NEW EXPERIENCE FOR MEN. 


AXIS. 


1987 Lever Brothers Company 


MUSK 4 
А masculine @ 
A ` , blend of 
4 f Y sensuous Musk. 


y M Br 


WOOD SPICE 


A refreshing A fresh, bold 
combination of blend of tropical 


sandlewood and spices and deep 
evergreen. woods. 


SURF 


A handsome blend 
of sea air essence 
and warm spices. 


AXIS 


DEO-COLOGNE SPRAY 


o 1981 Lever Brothers Company 


Experience for Men. 


[5° DEO-COLOGNE SPRAY. 


Experience AXIS, the new scent made 
for aman to wear all over. 

Excitingly unique, each of the four AXIS 
scents gives a man the refreshment of 
a cologne all over. With the confidence 
of a deodorant. 

Getting closer was never better than 
with AXIS. 


Alive with pleasure! 
Newiipor 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Too much of an idol to be entirely con- 
vincing as a punk in the first phase of his 
carcer, Billy Idol now does just fine purely 
as an idol. That's a job that carries with 
it a serious responsibility—namely, not 
releasing a lot of thoughtless junk that 
your fans will buy just because you're 
better-looking than they are. And for all 
his macho strut and sneer, Idol has been 
thoughtful, especially on Whiplash Smile 
(Chrysalis). Mostly he is thoughtful about 
passion. Idol here 
emotional and sexual release, not just 
gloating over having found it, which helps 
diffuse the envy that is the underside of 
idolhood. I think the guy growls about sex 
as well as Prince whimpers, and growling 
is just one of his many yocal moves 
Clearly, Idol has learned more from Elvis 
than just curling his lip. Longtime collab- 
orator Steve Stevens seems more inter- 
ested in synthesizers now than in his 
guitar, but he's so rock "n' roll in his 
arranging that it took me three or four 
listenings to notice. Whiplash is by far 
Idol's most satisfyingly complete effort, 
with something to discover in every cut 

Iggy Pop has had just the opposite 
carcer problem. He was completely con- 
vincing as a punk, but he’s never had 
enough idol in him to live up to his last 
name. David Bowie, who has been trying 
to solve that problem for Iggy since 1973, 
has returned to coproduce Blah-Blah-Blah 
(A & M), the Ig's first album in four 
years. It is probably his most commercial 
effort ever. I do not, however, like Bowie's 
influence on Iggy’s voice. There's too 
much crooning on Blah. Even the songs 
that Iggy wrote with Steve Jones, the for- 
Sex Pistols don't kick 
enough ass. Some of Blah is reasonably 
catchy pop (Hideaway and Cry for Love), 
and Iggy's ability to free-associate on the 
title song can still astonish. He cven 
approaches his old standard of ferocity on 
Winners & Losers (“Surly Iceches gain the 
right / To send their message screaming / 
One that has no meaning /To people who 
feel”). But next time, I want lots more 
ferocity 


mer guitarist, 


VIC GARBARINI 


Chrissie Hynde claims she didn't inten- 
tionally base half the songs from The Pre- 
tenders’ Get Close (Sire) on lunar imagery, 
and I believe her. So blame it on her sub- 
conscious. The moon here symbolizes a 
intuitive, archetypal feminine 
sense, and it’s no surprise that this self- 
confessed brash, finty, tattooed love girl 
should be subconsciously reaching out to 
the gentler, more spiritual side of her 


ест to be in search of 


Whiplash snarl. 


Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy 
Idol and The Pretenders, 
plus cool new jazz. 


nature. After the trauma of losing two 
band members to drug-related deaths— 
and a troubled relationship with The 
Kinks’ Ray Davies—Hynde began to 
loosen and lighten up on 19845 Learning 
to Crawl. Get Close, which features the new 
Pretenders line-up of three top black ses- 
sion players and holdover Robbie McIn- 
tosh, continues that trend with some of the 
most poignant and heartfelt rock ^п’ roll of 
the decade. Strict structures give way to 
the kind of inner pulse that recalls the best 
jazz ensembles, balancing spontaneity 
with form, whether on the Bo Diddley 
of Dance! or the chiming waltz When I 
Change My Life. This rock "n' roll awakens 
and celebrates the body, mind and spirit. 
Easily the album of the year. 


isms 


NELSON GEORGE 


Bebop has benefited this year from 
exposure in film and rock `n” roll. 

Round Midnight, director Bertrand Tay- 
ernicr's reverent tribute to the lives of 
pianist Bud Powell and saxophonist Les- 
ter Young, features а glorious bebop score 
conducted by Herbic Hancock, who when 
not making pop records is still an acoustic 
pianist of considerable taste and inv 
tion. His arrangements of bebop stand- 
ards, including Thelonious Monk's title 
tune, are capable; occasional inspiration is 
provided by an all-star cast of jazzmen. In 
the film, saxophonist Dexter Gordon’s 


weathered face and cool, gravelly voice 
offset a sometimes-clichéed story line. On 
record, the music speaks for itself. In fact, 
the sound track Round Midnight (Colum- 
bia) is an excellent beginner's guide to 
bebop's most enduring compositions. 
Branford Marsalis’ recent rock-’n’-roll 
tour of duty with Sting gave him a media 
presence to rival that of his brother, trum- 
peter Wynton. Now if only one Stingo- 
phile purchases Branford's Royal Garden 
Blues (Columbia), his venture into rock 
will have been worth it. The title song, a 
New Orlcans jazz staple, the Coltranesque 
Shadows and The Wrath of Tain, featuring 
drummer Jeff “Tain” Watts, are smart, 
emotional music. Some complain that the 
Marsalis brothers are just covering old 
ground. Maybe. But there is a distinctive 
personality in Branford's playing here that 
marks him as much more than a clone. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


im reissucs and 
ts live till they dic 
Proof is the late Budd Johnson's swinging 
tenor-alto swan song with Phil Woods, The 
Old Dude and the Fundance Kid (Uptown). 
Or the way recently emerged over-50 
altoist Frank Morgan turns Buffy Sainte- 
Marie and Wayne Shorter into bebop 


GUEST SHOT 


AFTER A three-year silence, Motorhead, 
the British fellowship of speed and 
sonic boom, has produced a new studio 
LP, "Orgasmatron." We asked head 
Motorhead Lemmy Kilmister to talk 
about someone else with a nose for 
noise, Billy Idol, and his new album, 
“Whiplash Smile.” 

irst track, first side, first im- 
pression: The voice has found itself. 
Billy and Steve Stevens are now 
completely in sync. Great guitars 
and a great production. Last time I 
met Billy, Ї was thinking we were 
both lucky in that neither of us has 
a good voice, but both of us have 
power. I now retract this. In Don't 
Need a Gun, Billy has improved 
beyond recognition. Suppressed 
violence and atmosphere make this 
a successful LP. Not a bad track on 
a 


19 


FAST TRACKS 


OCK 


ПСС ell George Il Marsh 


METER 


Aretha Franklin 
Aretha 


| 


slol 


Billy Idol | 
Whiplash Smile 


Cyndi Lauper | 
True Colors 


Wynton Marsalis | 
J Mood 


ч |N | Jo 


Talking Heads | 
True Stories 


o ja ¡0 с 
€ jo jo |o jo 
о јо IN |o 


VERY HEAVY DEPARTMENT: We hear that 
Dovid Lee Roth has applied to the Guin- 
ness Book of World Records on behalf of 
his equipment. He feels that his 97 tons 
of gear, which takes 120 people to put 
up and tear down every day, should set 
a record 

REEUNG AND ROCKING: Look for the 
movie bio of Ritchie Valens in the spring, 
with music recorded by Los Lobos and 
sung by David Hildalgo. If you've 
scen director Jonathan Demme's псу 
movie Something Wild, you already 
know that David Byrne recorded an 
original song for it. Also contributing 
music were UB40 and Fine Young Canni- 
bals. . . . Michael Nesmith has a role in 
Whoopi Goldberg's film Burglar. .. . Mal- 
colm McLaren is set to make his first Hol- 
lywood movie, All She Wants to Do 15 
Surf. Alex Cox, who directed Repo 
Man and Sid and Nancy, has made 
Straight to Hell, starring Joe Strummer, 
with appearances by Grace Jones, Elvis 
Costello and The Pogues. 

NEWSBREAKS: Carl Perkins has made a 
deal with Reebok for a new line of blue- 
suede shoes. And it's one for the 
money. . . . Look for former J. Geils 
bandsman Peter Wolfs album of bare- 
bones rock "n' roll any time now. . . . 
This year's Monterey Pop Festival will 
include a 20th-anniversary tribute to 
the film Monterey Pop, as well as a pos- 
sible reunion of many of the musicians 
who've st, put together by 
Bill Graham, of course. . . . Mick Jagger 
and Dove Stewart have been mccting 
about Jagger's next solo effort 
Entertainment lawyer Freddie Gershor's 
novel about the music biz, Sweetie Baby 
Cookie Honey, will be turned into a TV 
miniseries. . Désirée Coleman, Patti 
LoBelle’s new singing protégée, gets the 
benefit of having Patti produce a song 
for her. It's a Marvin Hamlisch tunc. 
And if you don't think there are 


ed the 


enough late-night TV talk shows, 
Stephen Bishop has been slated by Di 
Clark Productions to host a show air- 
ing opposite NBC's Friday Night Vid- 
eos. ... To go along with The Boss's live 
five-record LP, there is talk about 
relcasing one of his concerts on video 
on pay TV. . . . Jimmy Buffett turned 40 
in December and plans to sail around 
the world to commemorate the event. 
He's looking for some travel advice 
from his fans, If anyonc knows of a 
particularly exotic or beautiful har- 
bor, drop him a note marked Jimmy 
Buffett's Vacation, Р.О. Box 1938, Key 
West, Florida 33041. . Any minute 
now, the world will have not only Bruce 
Willis‘ debut album but his appearance 
on the Pointer Sisters’ NBC special. We 
expect him to be pretty good. - . - For 
all of you golden-oldie types: Did you 
know that the New Edition's version of 
Earth Angel is the latest of about 50 
recordings by different artists and 
groups? Did you also know that The 
Penguins’ original version has never 
been out of print and still sells about 
1000 copies a month? . . . Buffalo Spring- 
field is working on a reunion album. 
that will feature Neil Young, Richie Furoy 
and Stephen Stills. . . . An independent 
audit confirms that USA for Africa raised 
$41,000,000. . . . The resurgence of hi 
song Stand by Me as a hit single came 
as a total surprise to former Drifter Ben 
E. King. Now you can be on the look- 
out for The Best of Ben E. King, featur- 
ing his greatest hits of the past, and 
new LP being produced by John 
Paul Jones, onc of the founders of 
led Zep. . . . Finally, Ringo sent a wait- 
ress in England a check for £100 
because she had treated him to a £1 
plate of beans on toast 26 years ago ina 
Liverpool café. That's what we call a 
healthy return on an investment! 
— BARBARA NI 


is 


on Lament (Contemporary). 

Chicf among the younger players who 
eschew expressionistic excess in favor of 
technical command and respect for his- 
tory is Wynton Marsalis. Although his 
immaculately stylish grooming sums up 
his aesthetic, his J Mood (Columbia) isn’t 
as staid as you might think, holding subtle 
pleasures to spare for those with time to 
spare. It's more enjoyable in the long run 
than, for instance, his brother Branford's 
engaging Royal Garden Blues, or even 
Chico Freeman’s generously conceived 
Pied Piper (Blackhawk). 

But for real history, Í prefer to range 
from New Orleans polyphony to new- 
thing noisemaking- Maybe the all-star 
Leaders, whose Mudfoot (Blackhawk) pro- 
vides the kind of fun the Art Ensemble of 
Chicago never delivers. Or exiled South 
African pianist Abdullah Ibrahim, who 
puts Ellingtonian wisdom in the service of 
cultural autonomy on Water from on 
Ancient Well (Blackhawk). Or, best of all, 
the quartet headed by keyboard virtuoso 
Don Pullen and blues-rooted sax man 
George Adams. The solid tunes, break- 
neck swing and astonishing improvisa- 
tions of Live at the Village Venguard, 
Volume 2 (Soul Note) and Breakthrough 
(Blue Note) exemplify jazz's hottest work- 
ing band—abrasive enough to scare you 
and strong enough to make you like it 


DAVE MARSH 


Jerry Lec Lewis isa major artist, a prop- 
osition amply justified by 1983's 12-disc 
boxed set The Sun Years, on which he tore 
up everything from Whole Lotta Shakin’ to 
The Marine Hymn. That was enough to re- 
establish Lewis as a giant of American 
music, but the German Bear Family label 
thinks the Sun set was for pikers. It's i 
ing the complete recordings Lewis made 
during his 14-year tenure at Smash 
Records in three ten-disc boxes. This 
seems like overkill, but maybe not. The 
first set, The Killer, 1963-1968 (Down 
Home Music, 10341 San Pablo Avenue, El 
Cerrito, California 94530), now out, is a 
masterpicce—or, rather, an assemblage of 
many masterpieces and damn little fluff. If 
there are any purists who believe that 
Lewis left his ability behind in Memphis, 
here are several hundred refutations. They 
include all three live albums and enough 
rock-'n'-roll, rhythm-and-blues and coun- 
try classics to make the head spin. One 
after another they charge at you—the best 
of Merle Haggard followed by Chuck 
Berry’s greatest hits, a nod to Hank Wil- 
liams and one to Motown. Not all of it 
works, but not one second feels imitative. I 
can think of just three other postwar sing- 
ers who might span this gamut, and 
they're all giants: Ray Charles, Elvis, 
Aretha. And on the evidence of the final 
disc, а free-association interview, Jerry 
Lee might waste "em all in a barroom cut- 
ting contest, out of sheer spite. 


Men could use 
some protection 
from women. 


(And vice versa.) 


Of course, there's no doubt whatsoever that 
men and women are the single best thing ever 
to happen to each other. 

There are, however, complications. 

The list of sexually transmitted diseases 
is long. 

And growing. 

And on the list are some diseases that are 


— 


very difficult to cure. Even impossible. 

But happily for all concerned, theres a 
simple way to help protect yourself. Its called 
the Trojan* brand condom. 

Use it properly, and the Trojan condom can 
help reduce the risk of spreading many sexually 
transmitted diseases. (Your doctor can tell you 
more.) 

But let's be frank. 

Of course, you d like to feel good and 
protected. But what about just plain feeling 
good? 

Relax. 

Trojans are barely 0.003 of an inch thin, 
and ultrasensitive. All Trojans. 

But there's a variety of different Trojan 
styles to suit your individual preferences. (We're 
as committed to protecting your pleasure as we 
are to protecting your health.) 

And how do Trojans compare with other 
forms of birth control, in the matter of control- 
ling birth? 

Impressively. 

In fact, the condom is the most effective 
method of birth control available without a 
prescription. 

You should also know, the Trojan brand is 
highly respected, widely trusted, and the one 
that's used the most in this country. 

Which is good. 

Because it would be tragic if men and 
women start to feel they're a threat to each 
other. 

Instead of the pleasure they really are. 


TROJAN" CONDOMS 


For all the right reasons. 


© 1986 Carter- Wallace, Ine 


21 


EVERYONE LIVING north of 1-80 who's 
dy suffering from cabin fever this 
year, raise his hand. I thought so. Me, too. 
Гус done a 20-year stretch so far in Chi- 
cago. In mild, sensible weather, Í love it 
morc than anywhere else. In winter, a sca- 
son that covers a lot of ground here, I hate 
orget the cold. Its the dull, tin-can 
sky for days on end, with not even a pale, 
weak sun shining through, and being 
trapped inside that get to me. After a 
while, as a semimasochistic act, | start 
reading books of travel and adventure set 
in exotic places, flagellating myself. with 
the authors’ enviable experiences—while 
shivering under three blankets, doing 
beyond wondering when the 
plumbing will explode and how we're 
going to pay the gas bill on this third 
straight day of —24 degrees, wind-chill 
factors drilling down into the low — 805, 
the cold seeping through the chinks and 
flaws in our old wooden house like water 
dripping into a cave. Sound familiar? 150, 
Гуе found several recent good books to let 
you drift away from it all—not all of them 
tropical. 

Arctic Dreams (Scribner's), by 
Lopez, show 
winter is cities. The season is something 
quite different, even splendid, in the w 
derness. Lopez is an accomplished writer 
on the outdoors who, as the best do, tran- 
scends the form a bit. His natural history 
is rock solid, but there's a certa 
vein of m m running through it, like 
a collaboration of Carlos Castaneda and 
John McPhee, with the latter as senior 
tner. Lopez spent several seasons 
traipsing around seemingly bleak, barren 
places at the top of the world. But after 
reading his evocation, ГИ never think of 
the Arctic as a frozen waste again. When 
you pay attention, as he did, to its wildlife 
and history (from aboriginal cultures 
through early explorers to the current oil- 


n 


Ss 


based disruptions of the land and people) 
and to the lines and magnetism and qual- 
ity of light—well, he makes it seem a 


beautiful and almost busy place, rich in its 
complexity. Definitely a drifi-away win- 
ner, even if a chilly one 

Should you like it hot—I mean really 
hot—there's Death Valley & the Amargosa: А 
Land of Illusion (University of California 
Press), by Richard E. Lingenfelter. Here 
the focus is on human history, which 
makes this a pleasing chronicle of greed, 
error and folly in one of the harshest 
regions on earth. The lure was mineral 
wealth—at t gold and silver, then 
borax and, this century, lead. At 
nearly 500 pages, this book is like Death 
Valley Days on an epic scale—one tale after 
nother of ra s and dreamers, outlaws 
and Indians, innocents and con artists, 
fortunes made and lost and those who died 
„starting with the first pioncers who 


scal: 


Make the great escape to new frontiers. 


The best of the outdoors; 
Rosanna Hertz studies 
dual-career couples. 


were looking for an easy route to all that 
California gold. Some made it, but they 
don't call it Death Valley for nothing. 

In thc traditional genre of jungle-crecp. 


Paul Zalis' Whe Is the River (Atheneum) is 
a recent addition I enjoyed a lot. In 1980, 
Zalis and his road buddy Tano decided to 


жо looking for some legendary lost py 
mids up the Rio Negro from Manaus 
the Amazon jungle. The queer title comes 
from Glück, their German guide, who 
habitually scrambles his English pro- 
nouns. When the travelers are lost, which 
happens fairly often as channels split and 
split again, he mutters this phrase while 
searchi he current. Naturally, they 
have hz ing adventures, but the book 
also dips repeatedly into Zalis’ past—as a 
sometime Berkeley street person, attender 
of protests and the final night at the Fill- 
more East, lover of the wrong inating 
girls, day tripper—thus deftly weaving a 
coming-ofage story into the mai 
anha-infested business at hand. 
There's an anthology, too. A Book of 
Travellers’ Toles (Viking), assembled by 
Eric Newby, is 500-plus pages of nuggets 
fron the travel writing of more than 300 
writers from Suetonius and Xenophon to 
Henry Miller and Hunter Thompson— 
the last telling the story of staying drunk 
on Scotch for three days with a Hell's 
Angels sort of Indian tribe in the r 

sts of Colombia. My major compl. 
that the entries are too short, but they're 
great john reading when the wind's howl- 
ing outside. 


in for- 


tis 


Most fun—the book that took me far- 
thest away—was Full Tilt: Ireland to India 
with o Bicycle (Overlook), by Dervla Mur- 
phy. She made the wip in 1963, when she 
was 31, and the book, long out of print, 
has just been reissued. It's captivating. 
Writing it as a daily journal, Murphy. 
who is Irish, shows remarkable pluck and 
adaptive good humor in circumstances 
that might make a strong man cry—ice 


hot temperatures in Iran, and scary day 
reported with understated good chee 
sometimes spent pushing her bike (n 
Roz) to the top of 10,000-foot Hima 
passes amid glaciers and sheer drops 
on one occasion, facing a mountainous 
bridgc-out situation, forded an icy torren 
g Roz) by holding on to 
friendly cow that was 
y, she gradu 
Пу melts into the cultures she encounters, 
finding friendliness and generosity in 
creasing in nearly direct proportion to the 
remoteness and poverty of the place. She 
sleeps cheerfully on floors in mud huts or 
outdoors on a charpoy under an apricot 
tree and eats stuff you don't want to hear 
about. Full Till is reminiscent of (though 
written before) Paul Theroux’s Great Rail- 
way Bazaar—and it’s easily as good or 
better. One profound difference is that 
Murphy liked these people and places, 
especially Afghanistan. Theroux's piece 
on the same place in his excellent if cur- 


med 


the back of a 
crossing it, too. Along the w 


mudgconly collection Sunrise with Seo- 
monsters (Houghton Mifllin), just out in 
fihan 


pa cheats 
rou I know he was there ten years 
later than she was, and times change, but 
I like and believe in her Afghanistan a lot 
more than his. Her account of its gorgeous 
countryside and kind people makes the 
war going on there now seem even sadder. 

— DAWID STANDISH 


. 
The ideology of the traditio 
imply does not work,” 
Hertz in More Equel then Others (Univ 
of California). This excellent study of men 
and women in dual-carcer ma 
points out that most of us аге now living in 
Ihree relationships: “His Work, Her Work 
and Their Marriage." No wonder you're 
tired, right? It’s a whole new world out 
there, and all of us are improvising our 
way through it. Hertz writes about money, 
children, corporations and woi 
and her in-depth interviews with du 
reer couples have a strangely pacifying 
effect: We learn that we are not alone, that 
people everywhere are encountering the 
same problems and that slowly but surely, 
we're stumbling toward solutions. 


[v] 


M 


SPORTS 


M; redes ha ick 
hockey started months ago, back 


in carly October, before the leaves had 
turned, before baseball was over, before 
most football players had even been shot 
up with painkillers. 

Ice hockey isn’t supposed to 1 
the lakes freeze over and my с: 
start. Thats when Jacques puts on 
new pair of skates to go with his recon- 
structed nose and cheekbones. 

Hockey season » supposed to end 
with the last howling winds of March. At 
best, it lasts only about two and a hall 
months. serving its purpos minor 
diversion from the dreary  pre-play-olf 
days of basketball, our nation’s only win- 
sport 
This was the role that hockey played in 
my youth, back when I could name all six 
N.H.L.—the Rangers, Black 
Hawks, Red Wings. Bruins, nadiens 
and Maple E and the season always 
ended with a riot up in Canada or somc 
where else near the Arc cle, long 
before Easte 

Feeling that I did appi 
ciation for ice hockey. a friend once 
dragged me to Madison Square Garden to 
see a big-time game between the Rangers 
and somebody. He intended to expla 
пу things to me: icing the puck, cro 
ing the blue line and why all the playe 
01 named Jacques were named Guy de 
Philippe de Jean-Claude de Moose. 


vin until 
wont 


is 


alls. 


the people who might otherwise be s 
ing storefront windows and knocking off 
delis were there in the garden with me. 
Manhattan was a pretty safe place, 1 
decided, if the Rangers were home 
When the players came onto the field— 


looked lil 


in short pants. 
ure of the sport. 
There was a mighty roar at one point, 
so I had to ask my friend what had hap- 
pened 
1e scored a goal.” my friend said. 
“Who did? 
“That guy 
“The Qu 
айг?” 


ght there.” he pointed. 
modo with his stick in the 


cah.” 
“What was it he did agai 
“He scored a goal.” 
“How?” 

le hit the puck i 


to the nec 


By DAN JENKINS 


THE LONGEST 
SEASON 


“What puck?” 

I think this may have been when I 
decided to consider ways to make ice 
hockey more interesting and understand- 
ble to non-Canadians. 

My first thought was that the sport 
needed a puck everybody could see, some- 
thing roughly the size of a party tent that 
might weigh in the neighborhood of 5000 
pounds. 

Next, to further simplify things, 1 
decided that there ought to be only two 
ms in the N.H.L., the East Coast team 
and the West Coast team. This alone 
would do away with the nced ever to know 
who Wales, Campbell, Adams, Norris, 
Patrick and Smythe were, not to mention 
the mysterious Devils. 

"The scason would consi 
With the 5000-pound puck situated in 
Lincoln, Nebraska, at the start, it would 
be a contest to see which team could get 
the puck into the other team's ocean first. 

As a bonus attraction for the fans, it was 
my idea that the players wouldn't. be 
required to wear skates. A player could 
wear skates if he insisted on it. of course, 
though he would obviously run the risk of 
being, say, less nimble than his teammates 
or opponents. 

1 imagined the periodic reports that the 
US. and Canada might hear during this 
rilling contest. I could see a sports 
announcer for network TV standing on a 


t of one game 


farm road in the Midwest at dusk, saying: 
"The town you scc in thc distance is 
Springfield, Illinois, and the people of this 
community are preuy excited about a 
hockey puck that’s expected to arrive here 
in a matter of hours 
he West Coast team has the puck 
moving in this direction, according to the 
latest report from our helicopter. The 
West Coast started a surprise attack back 
in Jellerson City, Missouri, when it caught 
the East Coast in a vulnerable tristate 


ed Coach Jacques Jack of the East 
s why he had gone to that delense. 
d he had so many players in the 
altv farm, he thought he'd better try 
something different, 
Il along, Illinois was expected to be a 
key spot in the gam 

Fans of both teams remember only too 

well how the West Coast grabbed an early 
advantage in last year's game but suffered 
a heartbreaking loss after mistaking Lake 
Michigan for the Atlantic Ocean. 
ust to recap, the West Coast scored 
1 it believed to be a victory by edging 
the puck into the lake near the Drake 
Hotel on Chicago's Near North Side 

“It was while the West Coasters were 
celebrating back at their homes up around 
Alberta and Manitoba that the East Coast 
retrieved the puck and drove it unchal- 
lenged all the way to Redondo Beach, 
where the winning goal was inched into 
the Pacific in the middle of a Miss Pre- 
п Surfer-Girl Contest and undercover 
bust. 
The people you see behind me are 
some of the sport's most passionate fans." 
‘he announcer turns to interview two 
fans who are armed with machine guns 
and machetes. 

“I understand you fellows have flown 

re from the West Coast," he says. 

h, we're number onc!" a fan snarls 


wh 


"he announcer politely says, 
ask what the machine guns and machetes 
are for?" 

The other fan answers with a wild-eyed 


May 1 


expression and a maniacal laugh. 
Its the Midwest, ain't it?” he says. 
“We figured while we're out here for the 
game, we'd have a few beers and go kill 
the Clutter family 
‘The announcer turns to the camera. 
“Thats it from the world of 
hockey. Back to the studi Ej 


23 


2 


МЕМ 


© arepa Seca day 
arc women trench coats. No, Pm 
not joking. Some of my best spies are 
beautiful women in trench coats. Women 


€ is 28 years old. She was born in 
the Far East, the child of a European 
mother and an Asian father. Cobra is a 
stunning woman who sells mainframe 
computers, speaks five languages fluently, 
swims several miles a day, keeps a well- 
shaped car to the ground in the worlds of. 
fashion and entertainment—and, for some 
reason, likes to let me know what's going 
on with her and her friends. 

‘The Men column is heavy-duty work, as 
1 keep telling you guys. Cobra doesn't 
give anything away for free, so when she 
has some good information for me, I have 
to buy a bottle of champagne and then get 
some sushi or Szechwan food. Then I have 
to hump it over to her high-rise apart- 
ment, which happens to have an indoor 
pool and a sauna, and I have to sit there 
with this beautiful woman in her bikini 
and take notes. It’s exhausting work. Soon 
I plan to ask for a raise. But not too soon. 

When Cobra called to say she wanted to 
tell me about a party she'd attended for 
onc of her girlfriends, I thought Га humor 
her and go see her. Im a nice guy that 
way. Besides, Cobra and I have a lot of. 
laughs. She is very cynical about men and 
women and the shenanigans they go 
through to try to fool each other. The ice 
her heart is as clear as glass, and it 
allows her to see the sexual wars from a 
detached distance. 

“I got a call from Terri," she said. We 
were sitting in the sauna. Cobra was wear- 
ing a towel around her head, like a turban. 
She looked like a svelte Cleopatra. “Тегі 
was so excited she was yelling into the 
phone: ‘Laura finally got John to propose 
to her. Let’s have a smut party! Let’s get 


down and dirty, just like men do!” 
“A smut party? Like a bachelor party?” 
1 asked. 


"Exactly," Cobra said. 

“Liquor and porn?” 

Liquor and porn,” Cobra laughed. 
“Just like us boys," I said. 
“That's what was interesting, 

said, smiling. 

“It wasn't just like us boys?” 

“In some ways it was. Dve been to a 
couple of bachelor partics, though, and 
somehow this wasn’t quite the same. But 
it was interesting. 

“You've been to a couple of bachelor 


Cobra 


By ASA BABER 


SMUT PARTY 


parties?” I asked. 

Cobra looked at me as if I were a 
squashed mongoose. "Of course. Would 
you keep me out of a bachelor party if it 
were up to you?” 

“Nope,” I said. 

“Pour me some more champagne before 
you bore me,” she said imperiously. 

I opened the ice bucket and followed 
orders. 

"Baber-mensch," Cobra said, “I own 
you right now, so don't interrupt, OK? 

“The Great Smut Party was at Terri's 
condo. She invited eight of Laura's best 
friends. We were all career women. Ages? 
Karen's 22, Morgan's 45. That's the 
range. Terri's a lawyer, Laura’s in PR, 
Karen's beginning a career in banking. It 
was Yuppieville, no question about it. 
Wine and cheese and lots of penises.” 
“Lots of what?” I asked. 
Lots of penises. Penis vibrators, penis 
pastries; they even had pencil erasers that 
were shaped like little pink penises. Penis 
balloons, penis swizzle sticks. Definitely a 
penis theme for the evening. 

“Then there were the gifts. I took Laura 
a pair of handcuffs, “You're 30, you've 
never been married and you've probably 
never been kinky,’ I told her, ‘but now's 
the time to start.’ Karen took her a whip. 
Terri gave her some panties with an open 
crotch. 

“The funny thing is that most of the 
women were a little uncomfortable 


through all this. 1 mean, they were mak- 


ig all the right moves, but until they got 
enough alcohol in them, they were pretty 
inhibited. There was a lot of small talk. 
Polite talk, They were very reluctant to 
really Iet go. I don’t think women trust 
each other in conditions like that as much 
as men do. They haven't had the practice. 

“Morgan broke the ice. She got bombed 
carly and she started to talk about her first 
lover—details about him, about how he 
seduced her and what the loss of her vi 
ginity was like and how many men she'd 
slept with. Then Laura started to talk 
about how horny John is and how he 
always wants to do it at dinnertime, when 
she wants to eat. ‘When we're in bed at 
night, I don't know if it's the cat or his 
penis poking me,’ she kept saying. Every- 
body laughed at that. 

“Men really don’t know how amused 
women are at male horniness. Women are 
very condescending about that. They act 
as if they're superior to men, because men 
are so needy. But it was interesting. When 
it came to the X-rated video tapes, these 
women didn't know how to handle them. 

“Га rented some Johnny Wadd tapes 
He’s hung like a horse, and I thought it 
would be funny to see how my girlfriends 
reacted. Guess what? They were very 
uncertain about their feelings. Most of 
them pretended they were grossed ош. 
But they watched very carefully, I can tell 
you that. They tried to joke about him. 
They were also embarrassed to be watch- 
ing this strange little dude with the big 
penis get his rocks off. You know what I 
think? I think those films were too much 
for them. I think they were too direct. Too 
raunchy. 

“That's what I learned. Women don't 
know how to be rowdy and raunchy y: 
They'd rather watch soft porn than a 
thing really tough. They're still secretive, 
very careful with sex. Men can handle raw 
sex. Most women can't. You want to know 
the bitter truth? It was a boring evening. 
We stopped the video tapes, they changed 
the subject as fast as they could and we 
went home early. I learned all over again 
that most women do not want to be con- 
fronted with their own sexuality. 

“The smut party wasn't much more 
than a tea party. There was a lot of chat- 
ter, a few minutes of intensity, then more 
chatter. A great big bore," Cobra said. 

“More champagne?" I asked. 

“ГИ pour,” she said. El 


PERFORMANCE COUNTS. 


= — ka 
= = =| 


| SAME GREAT TASTE. 
VANTAGE O | IN AN EXCITING NEW PACK. О. 


E mg. “tar”, 0.7 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FIC method. 


WOMEN 


ou should know what we've been 
Y reading lately, so that when we go 
all weird in an entirely new way, you 
won't have cardiac arrest. 

There is a big best seller unappetizingly 
titled Women Who Love Too Much. Every- 
where I go, women are just finishing, just 
starting or getting the courage 10 buy this 
mighty tome. “You should read it.” every- 
onc said to me. “It will change your life.” 

“Absolutely never," | said, since 1 
hate all self-help books. I feel that self- 
help books are a contradiction in form. 
АП books should be read only for pleas- 
ure; books are read so that you can jump 
into another person’s mind and live in his 
thoughts. Having some pimple-brain 
without any sense of humor or the absurd 
tell me how to live my life is not my idea of 
reading. It is an ultimately unhealthy act. 

But | bought Women Who Love Too 

Much to understand the frenzy. I took to 
my bed with it, and by page 15 1 was vio- 
lently crunching sunflower seeds all over 
the sheets while compulsively turning the 
pages and nodding in recognition. I empa- 
thized with Jill; my heart bled for Trudi; 1 
became hopelessly entangled with 
and identified to the point of mania with 
Melanie. І discovered that I am a victim 
of a disease: I am addicted to love. 
The book's basic premise is that many 
women relive the pain and horror of their 
nhappy childhoods by re-creating the 
patterns forged by their mothers and 
fathers—they become addicted to abu- 
sive, destructive behavior because it is the 
only behavior they know, the only bchav- 
ior that feels comfortable to them. Robin 
Norwood, the author, an earnest, evangel- 
ical soul, believes that love addiction can 
be cured only the same way as 
alcoholism—by following programs based 
on Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Therapy won't work, Norwood cau- 
tioned, and I felt horrible. If you don't fol- 
low the ten steps to recovery, you're 
simply practicing denial, she went on. I 
wanted to die. I went on in this vein for 
weeks, hostile yet obsessed, doing things 
ike pedaling madly on a stationary bike in 
the gym next to Rita, who is now a mem- 
ber of A.A., and whining. y 
have to go to support groups once a week 
at least," E said, “that we'll never be able 
to handle this problem on our own, even 
with the help of a therapist. Where are the 
Love Anonymous meetings being held? 
Vve never even heard of one.” 
‘Start one of your own,” said Ri 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


FACT OR 
BEST SELLER? 


“When? At two in the morning, when 
I've finally finished with my work for the 
day? I have therapy. I have the gym, I 
have Alexander-technique classes, 1 have 
my son's orthodontia problems, not to 
mention running an entire household and 
career on my own. Who has the time?” 
as to be your first 
priority,” said Rita smoothly. 

1 just don't want tosit around in a room 
full of people who know onc another by 
only their first names and say, "He called 
mc again this morning, he says he wants to 
marry me, but I know it’s because he 
knows I'm not available." That would be 
so undignified! 

Just when I was beginning to seule 
down, I was told by everybody to read the 
Intimate Partners articles in the November 
and December Atlantic, and I was again 
knocked for a loop. It seems that all my 
problems in love relations would be solved 
ifonly I could stop projecting hidden parts 
of my personality onto my partners. 

“I don't know,” I said to my pal Cleo, 
who was really excited about these new 
perceptions, “I just don't identify. I know 
Um supposed to—I know I'm probably 
just blocking—but I don't feel that I fit 
the patterns.” 

“Oh, I do,” she said confidently. “I'm 
definitely the female hysteric attached to 
the withdrawn man. No question about it, 
If I can get my boyfriend to read the 


piece... 

She did. and they had an enormou 
fight about exactly who was project 
what onto whom. I was impressed by the 
sophistication of that battle. I have never 
yet been able to get a man to admit he 
even has an unconscious. 

I would like to write a book about 
women who work at it too much, My 
image of the sexes at the moment is that 
women are reading, thinking, agonizing, 
looking for patterns, delving deep into the 
far recesses of the unconscious, while men 
are whistling vague little tunes and fid- 
dling with carburetors. What I really 
want is a man who is so psychologically 
enlightened that he can take what these 
books and articles say are my massive 
neuroses in his stride and still say, “Come 
here, woman. 

This probably won't happen: at least, it 
hasn't yet. But now, after reading, I know 
id of man I must look for: 
who doesn’t excite me with passion, who 
blood run thick with lust 
ng. A guy who will be my pal, 
who approves of me and supports me and 
is not afraid of his feclings. 

I know this is right, because 1 feel thc 
same aversion that I feel toward eating 
bean sprouts. I want Mallomars: I want 
troublesome men. 

And Im not particularly proud of 
myself, but here's what I think. I think the 
hell with it. Em tired of trying and lookin: 
and turning myself inside out. There's too 
damned much of this soul-scarching going 
on, and I find it subjugating. I may well 
be love addicted, since my childhood was 
absolutely crazy and miserable, but 1 
know Um a m of the times, and the 
times are very harsh on women who a dec- 
de or so ago opted for freedom and equal- 
ity over the security of relationships. The 
times now say that we have à greater 
chance of being shot by terrorists than of 
marrying, that women blew it; and I say 
the times are fucked, and ГЇЇ live alone if E 
have to. 

Um reading Anna Karenina now and 
feel much better, thank you. Tolstoy says, 
“Each unhappy family is unhappy 
its own way,” which means 1 don’t have 
to fit a pattern. Anna herself says, “If it 
is wue that there are as many minds as 
there are heads, then there are as many 
Kinds of love as there are hearts." Whe 
am I to believe—Robin Norwood or 
Tolstoy? 


AGAINST THE WIND 


I was one of those Chicago afternoons 
when the city behaves like an anthill. A 
big old thunderstorm had spent an hour 
dumping water out of the warm, heavy air, 
ng the pavement, driving the pedes 
(mans indoors. When it broke, the ants 
filed back out onto the streets to do their 
business 

I made a crooked way around the 
decper puddles across a small park on the 
North Side and came out onto a shady 
block near State Street. Out of the corner 
of my eye, 1 saw a small woman walking 
slowly, eating a sandwich. Without look- 
ng at me, she started across to my side; 
nd when she did, a small blip registered 
on my street radar. It wasn't the red alert 
that goes up when some slobbering jun 
picks you out for a touch, and it wasn’t 
even the yellow you get when you sense 
that an overly convinced Christian wants 
to talk Jesus or the Devil with you; but it 
was enough to provoke that quick debate 
between the compassionate you and the 
nto 


ical you when a stranger pulls 
your path on the street. 

But this petite, pretty, pug-nosed, 
brown-skinned woman didn't look at all 
e a beggar, and when she saw me look- 
ing at her, she hesitated in а way that 
made her seem to be having a small argu- 
ment of her own about whether or not to 
approach me at all. There was genuine 
fear in it for her, I thought, so when she 
did say, "Excuse me . . . I hate to... .” 
it was the soft parts of me that turned to 


listen. 
She spoke in a 
tion sai 


ight voice, and her dic- 
she'd been to school and had 
tention while she was there. “Гус 
. this is so dumb," she said. “Pm 


а, and my cars been stuck over on 
Street for about four hours. I'm out 
of gas. The gauge said ruri when I lef 
home this morning, but it’s broken. I feel 
so stupid. I Лей the house this morning 
with three dollars and a quarter.” 

I listened and watched. 

“I spent a dollar on tolls and another 
dollar-cighty on a tuna sandwich of which 
this is the last half." 

1 think it was the stupid-me look on her 
face when she held up what w 
the sandwich that won the argument for 
the compassionate me. When the other 
voice tried to get a word in, I told it to shut 
up. I dug into my pocket before she asked 
for money 


left of. 


By CRAIG VETTER 


TEN DOLLARS' 
WORTH 


“Im a very honest person,” she said, 
putting her hand between her small 
breasts as if the heart under them were 
made of spun sugar. 

"People who tell you they are honest 
never are,” said the voice, but compas- 
sionate me was paving no attention by 


ther 


“Will ten dollars get you out of your 
fix?” I asked, handing her a bill. 

“Well, yes, its... I don't even need . .. 
thats too nice . . . | can't believe this . . 
you don't even know me.” 

“My pleasure,” I said as I started away 
She had a look on her face that was com- 
ing up out of a new faith in mankind, 1 
thought. 

“TI send it back to you if you'll give me 
vour address,” she called after me. Not 
necessary, 1 told her. “1 don't believe 
this!" she called after me. 

I walked away imagining her back in 
Hammond, telling her friends that the 
mean streets of Chicago weren't so mean 
after all. Amazing how much gratitude ten 
bucks can buy, I thought to myself. 

Not that my other voice didn't run us 
back a couple of times to inspect the sce- 
nario. Had I not given her the money, the 
compassionate me would have been all 
over the cynic about selfish meannes: 
it was, the cynic was embarrassed 
angry that we'd fallen for this woman's 
performance. I told myself that ha 


been an act, it was high art, and that 
pretty much shut the other voice down. 
He did have one sharp little point, though: 
Nobody that pretty gets stuck anywhere for 
four hours. 

About a week later, a friend and I were 
walking near Michigan Avenue when I 
saw a guy in a banker's suit writing some- 
thing on a steno pad for the woman with 
whom he was standing. As soon as I spot- 
ted the pug nose, my cynical self jumped 
up, laughing and shouting and pointing, 
and he did the talking this time. I came up 
on her fast and said, “You are a wonderful 
actress; I mean, blue ribbon.” A fear that 
was not part of the act came onto her face, 
and she moved a couple of steps away. 

The sucker she was working with 
“Waita minute. What is this?” 

"Relax," I told him. "I played your 
part in the Maple Street version of th 
tle show. This lady isa brilliant actres: 

He didn't believe me. Everything about 
his posture and the look on his face put 
him on her side. As they moved off, he told 
me, “I’m a big boy," which I took to be 
the cynic in him trying to tell me he'd cho- 
sen to be conned. 

Гус thought a lot about the incident 
since then. If a tree falling in the wilde: 
ness with no one to hear makes no sound, 
is a con job that you don’t know is a con 
job а robbery? And wasn't what I got ten 
dollars’ worth any way you look at it? Ш 
someone is clever enoug i 
picking your own pocket for her, can there 
possibly be any crime to it? In any case, 
the girl from Hammond doesn't belong 
jail, she belongs on stage. 

And it can't be easy being a street actor 
In fact, I know of at least one instance that 
must have bruised thi Ys ego pretty 
good. About a week after my second 
encounter wi nd to whom Pd 
told the story was approached by her not 
far from the spot where she'd hit She 
got only the first few lines of her no-gas 
story out and my friend began to laugh 
The actress, for just a moment, was visibly 
confused. She went into an indignant little 
script, and when my friend said, “You 
ought to at least chang 
you're stuck on,” she walked off with her 
thespian feathers somewhat mussed up. 

I hope it didn't discourage her, and I 
doubt it did. Afier all, there arc days for 
even the greatestactors when the audi- 
ence laughs in all the wrong places. Б 


won 


h her, a fi 


the strect you say 


27 


PLAYBOY 


Last year, an outbreak of herpes 
made her miss the boat. 
This year, with the help of her doctor, 
she missed the outbreak instead. 


#5 


Whether you have a mild, intermediate or severe 
case of genital herpes, you should see your doctor 
to help gain new control over your outbrez 
especially ifyou haven't seen your doctor within the 
past year. 

The medical profession now has more infor- 
mation than ever before about the treatment of 
herpes, as well as effective counselling and treatment 


programs that can help you reduce the frequency, 
duration and severity of your outbreaks, 

Ifin the past you were told that nothing could 
be done for herpes, its no longer true. Herpes is 
controllable. 

Ask your doctor about these treatment pro- 
grams, and whether one of them would be suitable 
for you. 


See your doctor...there is help for herpes 


Welcome 


Burroughs Wellcome Co. 
Research Triangle Park 
North Carolina 27709. 


1986 BURROUGHSWELLCOME RHB6EW4 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


[Lr тето edt Den 
My wife and I have an excellent sex life. 
She has achieved orgasm nearly every 
time we have had sex. However, we have 
one arca on which we don't seem to agree. 
1 find it an extremely intense turn-on for 
her to masturbate, especially when she 
uses a dildo and stimulates her clitoris 
with her hand. In addition, she has a 
yoluptuous body and large breasts with 
large nipples that I enjoy seeing her stimu- 
late as well. Our problem is the frequency 
» which she delights me with my favor- 
ite turn-on. I think she has treated me 
only once in the past year. yet | would like 
this once a week or at least twice a month. 
I should add that she doesn’t dislike this 
act, so it isn't a case of her being forced 
against her will. Considering the fact that 
all else is great—we have sex at least four 
times a weck—do you think 1 am being 
selfish in asking for my treat more often? 
Should 1 just demand it or hint and beat 
around the bush (no pun intended), 
1 do now?— T. J. Charleston, South 
Carolina. 

Why not tell her what you've told us? We're 
sure that she'll be flattered by her ability to 
arouse you with these “shows,” but she may 
need some encouragement from you. It's pos- 
sible that she 15 so satisfied with your sex Ше 
that she doesn’t think of this as often as you 
do, so it may not hurt to ask. While you're at 
it, you might consider putting on a show of 
your own for her benefil. With talents like these, 
who needs a home-entertainment center? 


VW bite working up the nerve to go new- 
car shopping, I've been reading road-test 
reports, brochures and catalogs, and 1 
keep coming across a term I’m not famil- 
jar with: transaxle. What, exactly, is a 
transaxle, and what's important for me to 
know about it?—R. F.. Miami, Florida. 
Defining it is easy; explaining it takes 
more lime. Think of a simple rear-drive сат 
The engine up front ts attached to a trans- 
mission that turns a drive shaft that goes 
back to a differential between the rear wheels. 
About the size and shape of a healthy pine- 
apple, this differential is full of gears and 
bearings that take the power in from the drive 
shaft and send it out to the wheels on both 
sides. lt also has a couple of nicknames: rear 
end and rear axle. Now, consider the typical 
Jront-drive car. The engine and the trans- 
mission are still in front, but so are the drive 
wheels and, therefore, the differential. To 
save both space and weight, the drive shaft is 
eliminated and the transmission and the rear 
axle are combined into one unit in a single 
housing. Voila: a transaxle. Just as with 
transmissions, there are two basic types— 
automatic and manual—and the more gears, 
the better. Thus, a five-speed beats the old 
four-speed manual still found in some base- 
line (read cheap) models, and a four-speed 


should let it run 24 hours a day. The 
rationale was that cycling the computer on 
and off would shorten its life. My position 
is that we should turn it on at the begin- 
ning of the business day and turn it off at 
the end of the day, for the following rea- 
sons: Although the computer doesn’t use a 
lot of electrical power, by turning it off 
every afternoon we would save 123 hours 
of electricity draw per week; the power 
supply depends on an internal electrical 
fan for cooling. Should that fan fail when 
it is not attended, the entire computer 
could overheat. There might even be a fire 
hazard involved. 

The same problem applies to the video 
monitor. Normally, we use the computer 
for only the first two or three hours of the 
day. | say we should turn the video off 
when we have no anticipation of immedi- 
ate further use. My wife says her source 
recommends leaving the video on through- 
out the day. Who is right and for what 


automatic is better than the less expensive 
three-speed. Depending on the vehicle and 
the way you drive it, manual transaxles are 
normally quicker and more economical, while 
automatics are slower, less fuel efficient and 
a lot less fun to drive. We personally prefer 
shifting our own gears (except in heavy traf- 
fic), but we recommend trying both before 
choosing. 


М, wir and 1 enjoy a highly varied 
though totally monogamous sex life. She is 
especially turned on by out-of-doors sex, 
within the confines of our tent, and every 
now and then she puts on a fruit-and- 
vegetable show that is highly crotic to 
both of us. Lately, we have been thinking 
about having sex in a nearby lake or river 
alter dark. Neither of us has exhibitionist 
tendencies. We would pick a thoroughly 
secluded spot, inaccessible to others. Our 
question is whether having intercourse in 
ke or a river would introduce anything 
unhealthy into her vagina, We presume 
that the use of chlorine in swimming pools 
removes such worries for couples who 
have sex in such settings. We don’t have 
access to a pool where we would feel com- 
fortable having intercourse. Besides, a lake 
or a river is more to our liking —C. L., 
Denver, Colorado. 

Do you know what fish do in the water? 
Just kidding. If the waters clean enough to 
swim in, it’s clean enough for a pas de deux 
water ballet. But do yourself a favor and 
wait for warm weather. Certain things shrink 
in the cold. 


V own and run a small business and use 
an IBM PC/XT for various chores. My 
wile was told by one of her friends that we 
should never n the computer off but 


reasons? —W. B., Renton, Washington. 

We agree with you about shutting the com- 
puter down at the end of each day. Some 
types of electronics will last longer by letting 
them run for 24 hours, but a computer has 
moving parts that could be worn by extended 
running times. You will save much more elec- 
tricity by shutting your computer down, espe- 
cially since its use is limited to a few hours a 
day. As you suspect, the failure of a cooling 
fan could damage the system. The video mon- 
itor should also be shut off when not in use. If 
it's lefi on too long, an image could be perma- 
nently burned onto the screen. 


White my girlfriend and 1 enjoy an 
extremely satisfying relationship, emo- 
tionally as well as sexually, there is one 
aspect of our lovemaking that concerns 
me, more for her than for myself: She is an 
extremely attractive woman, yet she is 
somewhat displeased with her breasts 
because of their size and extraordinary 
sensitivity to any form of attention or stim- 
ulation. She has made several critical 
remarks about them, even though Гус 
tried to impress her with the fact that I, for 
one, find them attractive, adorable and 
integral to who she is and wouldn't change 
them even if T could, Direct stimulation of 
any portion of her breasts or, for that 


matter, any contact at all with them 
produces intense t she 
finds unpleasu Гуе tried several 
approaches—sofi, direct, peripheral, 


ach I use, she 
is very natural, 
1 forms of lovenvak- 


oral—but whatever appro 
cannot tolerate it. As she 
direct and relaxed in 
ing, Lam puzzled as to whether it is her 
mind or her body that is actually averse to 
breast contact, I haven't made it an issue 
but find that I enjoy breast contact in 
lovemaking and would very much like to 
have her experience her breasts in a 


29 


PLAYBOY 


pleasurable way. Is there a form of 
desensitivity training we could undertake? 
Are there additional approaches I am not 
aware of that could reduce the intensity of 
her sensations? Or should we just accept 
this situation and enjoy her breasts’ 
appearance, rather than include them in 
our lovemaking? I should add that, on 
a few occasions, direct oral stimulation 
by me during intercourse caused no 
aversion—but, rather, virtually no sensa- 
tion at all. Contact while embracing or in 
afterglow cuddling is all right, as long as I 
don't venture near her nipples. In short, I 
would be pleased for her and for myself if 
her breasts could realize erotic pleasure 
for her, and I want your input before we 
forsake this aspect of sex altogether. Inci- 
dentally, she is extremely orgasmic at all 
junctures of lovemaking, before, during or 
after intercourse—more so than anyone 
else Гуе ever been with. Would this have 
anything to do with her extreme sensitiv- 
ity? Any suggestions would be great.— 
S. W., Richmond, Virginia. 

If your partner is unhappy with the 
appearance of her breasts, she may not be 
comfortable with your making them a focal 
point of sex play. She may, however, learn to 
appreciate them for their attractiveness to you 
as time goes on and you become more comfort- 
able with each other. You might ask her to 
touch them first; this might overcome a flinch 
reflex. But don’t project your expeclations 
onto her body. Kinsey found that only half of 
the women he surveyed fell pleasure from 
breast stimulation. Her sensitivity in all other 
respects is a gift. Enjoy it. 


PRecently I bought a couple of shirts and 
a sweater, and noticed that all of the labels 
listed something called ramie as part of 
the fabric. A friend told me that ramie 
is the Italian word for linen, but if that's 
true, why wasn’t it translated on the label? 
What gives?—H. S., Tampa, Florida. 

Well, the first thing to understand is that 
your friend doesn't know fabric from fel- 
tuccini. Ramie is a natural fiber that comes 
from the leaves of a tall plant that has been 
cultivated and processed for at least 2000 
years, mainly in China. Before 1979, trade 
between the U.S. and China was virtually 
nonexistent, so ramie was overlooked by 
clothing manufacturers. In the early Eighi- 
ies, import quotas placed restrictions on the 
amount of such fabrics as cotton and wool 
that could be brought into the U.S., but the 
quotas did not include ramie. Not surpris- 
ingly, 505,000,000 yards of ramie were 
brought into this country in 1985, and the 
fabric accounted for ten percent of all the 
sweaters sold in the U.S. Ramie is stronger 
than cotton, holds bright dyes nicely and feels 
like slightly coarse linen. It does not mix well 
with marinara sauce. 


F have a couple of cassette players in vari- 
ous places, and I like to keep the heads 
clean. But I never remember to get the 
right kind of alcohol cleanser; or, if 1 do, 


it’s always in the wrong place. I've taken 
to cleaning the heads with the purest form 
of alcohol that’s always around—vodka. 
It seems to work. Am I doing any perma- 
nent damage?—A. K., Skokie, Illinois. 

As unorthodox as it may sound, vodka 
should be a perfectly acceptable substitute for 
the popular disc-cleaning fluids. These prod. 
ucts are mostly alcohol, anyway, with the 
addition of various inert ingredients. The 
only potential danger would be if the alcohol 
got inside the pinch rollers, causing the rub- 
ber wheel that tums the tape to start slipping. 
Damage to the rubber may also occur, so be 
sure to allow the alcohol to dry before insert- 
ing a tape. But if you're careful to restrict 
your application to the heads themselves, 
there should be no problem with using vodka 
as a cleaning fluid. In fact, you might even 
try using grain alcohol (cheaper and 100 
percent alcohol, to bool) and save your vodka 
for drinking. Cheers. 


Bam 19 years old and, fortunately for my 
shects, 1 have a steady girlfriend to whom 
l am engaged. At times, it seems, 1 mas- 
turbate compulsively. I may ejaculate sev- 
eral times a day. I have heard that the 
human male puts out X number of quarts 
of sperm in his lifetime. Does this mean 
that a zestful sex life during youth will 
restrict one’s ability to produce sperm at 
an older age? If 1 am putting out close to 
my quota, might this prevent me from 
having children? I am worried that I am 
putting out my X quarts before I’m ready 
to finish! Is this a realistic worry2—R. F., 
Washington, D.C. 

Frequent masturbation isn't really a prob- 
lem, especially at your age. Theoretically, 
there's no limit to the amount of sperm a man 
can produce in one lifetime. (You produce 
72,000,000 of the little suckers a day.) If 
you remain healthy and sexually active, 
chances are you'll also remain fertile. So, yes, 
you're worrying needlessly. 


For the time being, I live in an apart- 
ment 100 miles from San Francisco and 
cannot install a large antenna outside to 
receive San Francisco TV. Is there any- 
thing I can do, any device I can pur- 
chase?—A. G., Sacramento, California. 
Good reception, or any reception at all, has 
always been a problem for those who live in 
apartments. There are a couple of things that 
may ease your difficulty. Many apartment 
buildings have a master antenna system that 
tenants can plug into. If a master antenna 
isn’t available to you, perhaps you and the 
other tenants can get together and have one 
installed. There may be cable TV in your 
area available by subscription. This would 
involve a monthly charge, but the high- 
quality reception might be worth it. lf you 
lack a master antenna or cable TV, you still 
have a couple of choices. There are antenna- 
installation services that could install a 
system in your apartment. Check your local 
Yellow Pages. Another possibility is an indoor 
antenna, available from an electronics house 


such as Radio Shack. There are some new 
types of amplified antennas, priced around. 
$50, that sit on top of the TV or on a table 
and may give you the range necessary for 
good reception. Also available, though larger 
than the tabletop models, are amplified 
antennas that can be hung inside the apart- 
ment. You may have to hide this type inside a 
closet or behind a piece of furniture. These 
antennas, also around $50, supposedly can 
receive signals from 90 to 100 miles away. 
In any case, make sure you can return the 
indoor antennas if they don't work out. 


WM consider myself an audiophile, but there 
are two things that have always puzzled 
me: (1) On most cassette decks, there is a 
fluorescent or lighted area in the cassette 
compartment between the recls. What is 
this used for? (2) On the shells of most 
cassettes, there are lines or gradations on 
the plastic window between the two reels. 
What are those used for?—H. A., Canyon 
Country, California. 

The lighted area in the cassette compart- 
ment behind the cassette is simply a visual aid 
to let you check how much tape is wound onto 
each reel. The back lighting is there to help 
you see how much tape has been played or 
how far the tape has progressed while you are 
Jast-forwarding or fast-rewinding the tape. 
The lines on the window of the cassette 
tape can be used to judge the progress of the 
tape, but they are not a precise measurement, 


Someone told me that there is a sub- 
stance that kills both herpes and AIDS 
viruses. What is it? Where can I get 
i?—W. E., Santa Fe, New Mexico. 

A few years ago, researchers discovered 
that nonoxynol-9 would kill the herpes virus 
in the lab. A more recent experiment has dem- 
onstrated that it can kill the AIDS virus— 
again, in the lab. So what is this washday 
miracle? Nonoxynol-9 is the active ingredi- 
ent in spermicidal jelly, and studies have 
shown that people who use spermicidal jelly 
are less susceptible to a variety of sexually 
transmitted diseases. The word is getting 
around, and now there are other products 
that contain nonoxynol-9—ranging from 
lubricants (to make slipping and sliding a lit- 
tle safer) to cleansers for sex toys (so you can 
scrub your vibrator before moving on to your 
next partner). Check with your local phar- 
macy, or send ten dollars to The Pleasure 
Chest, Ltd., 20 West 20th Street, New York, 
New York 10011, for a catalog. Use a con- 
dom and you'll further cut the odds of con- 
tracting one of these viruses. 


AIL reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and eliquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
vill be presented on these pages each month. 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


The question for the month: 
What's good foreplay for you? 


Kissing. I've gotta kiss. I've got to kiss a 
long time and I’ve got to have a lot of dif- 
ferent kisses—nibbles on the lips, luscious 


kisses and 
strong ones, 
too. Гус been 


driving in a car 
and had to pull 
over because of 
all the kissing. 
I like to be 
rubbed, too. A 
rub is part mas- 
sage. Do that 
all over me. I 
like it. Then 
play with my 
hair, touch my face. But don’t grab me 
and roll me over and try to just do it to 
me. I’m not into that. I can’t get moti- 
vated for that. Why bother? That's for a 
vibrator, not another person. 


Good foreplay should specialize in the 
tender parts of the body—the temples, 
behind the ears and neck, the wrists, knees 
and toes. Start 
out brushing 
those — areas 
lightly and get 
morc aggres- 
sivc as the min- 
utes and hours 
go by. The big- 
gest mistake 
people make is 
to rush through 
foreplay be- 
causc they're 
in the mood for 
sex and they want to get to the end 
result—intercourse. But it's just so much 
more lying to take it slowly and deli- 
cately, whispering the right words and 
doing the right things. 


lr 


SHERRY ARNETT 
JANUARY 1986 


a 


Goa, these questions are making me feel 
ike Dr. Ruth! Foreplay is a very individ- 
ual thing. Some people like it tender and 
cuddly; others like it to be more aggressive 
and a little rough. For me, foreplay is the 
anticipation of 


sex. I meet 
someone, 1 
think about 


him, I fantasize 
and get totally 
prepared emo- 
tionally and 
physically. 1 
think foreplay 
is psychological 
at first. I don’t 
want to tell you 
exactly what 
does it for me; that would be telling mil- 
lions of people. But the psychological part 
of foreplay is the most important if you 
want to be happy in bed with a man. Next 
in importance is the build-up of anticipa- 
tion. Once you've thought about sex for a 
while, you're ready. 


METTE 


CAROL FICATIER 
DECEMBER 1985 


Good foreplay doesn’t always start in 
bed or in the house. Sometimes it starts 
somewhere else, in conversation. Once, 1 
took an incredibly long walk with a guy. 
We were talking up a storm about all 
kinds of things, but it was the sexual 
energy between us that kept the walk 
going—that 
and lots of eye 
contact. Some- 
times Ull take 
off all my 
clothes and sit 
down in front of 
the TV with 
him. He can’t 
stand that; it 
drives him 
crazy. Good 
foreplay isn't 
necessarily touch- 
ing; but once you actually get into bed, 
oral sex is great foreplay. Talking is good, 
in and out of bed. The rest is too private to 
tell the entire world. I think I'll just leave 


itat that. 
) 
% GH. 
2 
CHER BUTLER 
AUGUST 1985 


Goa foreplay is inventing some kind of 
game that you can play together as a cou- 
ple, like a card game. I put down five 
things 1 would 
like to do and 
my partner 
does the same. 
Every time I 
lose, I have 
to pick one of 
my partner’s 
choices for fore- 
play. Every 
time he loses, 
he has to pick 
one 

Believe me, it’s 
a fun game. Sexy lingerie is also great for 
foreplay. I like to put it on and parade 
around the house. I like sexy clothing and 
I like to be looked at. 


TERI WEIGEL 
APRIL 1986 


Kissing is good foreplay; so are a nice 
dinner and some flowers. A drive in the 
car, or a movic, either at home or out— 
anything that 
gets you 
involved with 
cach other and 


gets you talk- 
ing. I live with 
a man, and my 
idea of good 
foreplay is to 
cook a good 
dinner, light 
candles and 
take the phone 
off the hook 


while we eat and talk. You don’t need 
physical contact all the time to get excited. 
It helps, of course, but the way two people 
cat good food together can be a big turn- 
on, too. 


ioe 


KIM MORRIS 
MARCH 1985 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


31 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


"DISIBEWTCO 


12 mg. "ter", 1.0 mg.nicotine a 


THE 


PLAYBOY FORUM 


C O M M E N T A R Y 


t has bcen said that there are two 
kinds of executives: those who 
make decisions and those who 
make speeches. Christie Hefner 
has been doing both of late. For the 
past few months, she has taken time 
away from her desk, addressing the 
National Press Club in Washington, 
the annual convention of the Video 
Software Dealers Association in Las 
Vegas and the Dallas Association of 
Young Lawyers, as well as debating 
members of the Meese commission on 
Meet the Press and The MacNeillLehrer 
NewsHour. Her 
speeches have 
been cablecast on 
C-SPAN and 
broadcast on 
National Public 
Radio and have 
been excerpted in 
dozens of maga- 
zines and newspa- 
pers. We thought 
we'd share a few of 
her thoughts with 
the people 
count most. 

ON SEX 
SCAPEGOAT: 
one of the scien- 
tific studies of the 
causes of sexual 
abuse and violence 
against women 
and children con- 
cludes that por- 
nography causes 
harm et the 
Meese report 
attempts to manipulate people's real 
concerns about these social problems 
by convincing them that sexual images 
are to blame for sexual crimes. It 
attempts to fight complex social ills 
with simple prejudices.” 

ON REAL-LIFE REACTIONS TO 
PORN: “The number of X-rated cas- 
settes rented or purchased in 1984 
exceeded the number of people who 
voted for Ronald Reagan that same 
year. Millions of Americans viewed 
sexually explicit books, films and mag- 
azines without becoming vi 
of violence and abuse against women 
and children were committed in this 
country long before sexually explicit 
materials became available.” 

ON SNOWBALLING OF Ci 
SORSHIP: “The censorious effect of 
the Mcese commission has spread. It 
has legitimized the harassment of 


who 


lent. Acts 


retailers and advertisers, and now we 
can expect to see more stores stop sell- 
ing ‘controversial’ material. Wal-Mart 
stores, under pressure from an evan- 
gelical minister, Jimmy Swaggart, 
recently removed all teen-music maga- 
zines, including Rolling Stone, from 
their 890 retail outlets. Pressure in 
Texas caused some retailers to stop 
selling issues of Texas Monthly, because 
it featured a sexy ad for a Calvin Klein 
fragrance, One convenience store even 
took American Photographer off its 
shelves—for showing a bare breast 


“NOT ONE OF THE 
SCIENTIFIC STUDIES OF 
THE CAUSES OF SEXUAL 
ABUSE AND VIOLENCE 
AGAINST WOMEN AND 
CHILDREN CONCLUDES 


THAT PORNOGRAPHY 
CAUSES MARN: 


And Donald Wildmon’s National Fed- 
eration for Decency, which takes 
‘credit’ for the Southland Corpora- 
tion’s decision to drop гілувот from its 
7-Eleven stores, has denounced the fol- 
lowing TV shows and publications as 
an ^, pornographic and 
immoral: Golden Girls, Hill Street 
Blues, Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit 
issue, Archie Bunker's Place, Cosmopoli 
lan and Cheers. The vocal minority's 
list of ‘offensive’ magazines, books, 
records and other products, from con- 
traceptives to video cassettes, is very 
long. Either a retailer defines commu- 
nity standards by the market that 
exists for these products in his store or 
he will be left with very little inventory 
at all.” 

ON TOLERANCE: “We all find 
certain things objcctionable, but not 
the same things. Cable-programing 


surveys show that people find TV 
evangelists more offensive than adult 
movies. There are still people who find 
interracial marriage highly offensive. 
The Meese report highlights the fact 
that some people find premarital sex 
and even masturbation objectionable. 
And certainly most of us find the litera- 
ture and ideas of groups such as the 
К.К.К. and neo-Nazis offensive, 
mavbe even dangerous. 

“But there's a fundamental differ- 
ence between choosing not to partici- 
pate in First Amendment-protected 
activities and keep- 
ing other people 
from participating 
The pluralism that 
allows cach of us 
to make our own 
choices requires us 
to tolerate others” 
choices." 

ON INDIVID- 
UAL RESPO! 
ST IHE TES 
“Auempts to sup- 
press sexual mate- 
rial run directly 
counter to our 
basic notion of 
individual respon- 
sibility. We base 
our laws on the 
idea that people are 
responsible for 
their actions. We 
don't allow the 
killer of San 
Francisco mayor 
George Moscone 
and city official Harvey Milk to get off 
by blaming Twinkies; when a man 
pulls a two-foot sword on the Staten 
Island ferry and kills two people and 
says that God told him to do it, we 
don’t accept that as an alibi. We don't 
let someone blame alcohol for drunk 
driving; the individual is responsible 
There’s a man on trial for sex crimes 
who is saying that pornography made 
him do it. The vocal minority would 
buy that argument and say that images 
of ‘bad behavior’ should be suppressed 
because they cause bad behavior. And 
what kind of art, literature and enter- 
tainment would we be left with? 

“We need to have faith that our basic 
values will not be easily eradicated by 
an image or an idea. I wish some of the 
crusaders had a little more faith in people 
and would recognize that for the most 
part, they make the right choices.” 


B 


ONS OFPORN — 


Joseph Sobran, syndicated columnist: “Here is 
my working definition of pornography: It is that 
which, if it were to fail to appear in the next issue of 
PLAYBOY, would result in the magazine's ruin,” Aha! 
Advertising is pornography. 

Wendy Reid Crisp, the editor of Savvy: “There is 
a difference between erotica and pornography. 
Erotica makes you want to make love. Pornography 
makes you want to throw up.” Well, that's certainly 
useful. That sounds to us more like the difference 
between one glass of champagne and, say, three 
bottles of champagne. 

Mary Ann Pressamarita, housewife: “Pornogra- 
phy is pornography. There’s some that’s bad and 
there's some that’s worse. There's sick, sicker and 
sickest.” We prefer good, better and really bad. 

Father Bruce Ritter, Attorney General's Commis- 
sion on Pornography: “Опе man's nudity is another 
man’s erotica is another man’s soft-core pornogra- 
phy is another man’s hard-core obscenity is another 
man's boredom!” 


that there were 6004 
images of children in 
the three magazines 
during the period of her 
study and that more 
than a third of the 
images associated chil- 
dren with nudity or sex. 
All three magazines 
had presented images 
of adult women scant- 
ily dad іп what 
appeared to be chil- 
dren’s clothing, some- 
times holding Teddy 
bears and other toys. 
OK, Im a reason- 
able guy. 1 looked at 
the November FLAYBOY 
and saw a picture of 
Paulina holding a Ted- 
dy bear (The Playboy 
Gallery). Is this kiddie 
porn? Will looking at 
Paulina make me a 
pedophile? I know this 
is the same Govern- 
ment that paid $400 for 
a hammer, but is this 
really science? 
Desmond Ellis 
Indianapolis, Indiana 
Reisman's only knoum 
professional experience 
with children prior to the 
grant was as a song- 
writer for “Captain 
Kangaroo,” and she'd 
been a mere dabbler at 
research until she won 
big in the Government 
giveaway. Her grant 
was 50 percent larger 
than the funds allocated 
to the entire Meese- 
commission extravagan- 
za and one tenth of 
the amount Federally 
budgeted for the Office of 
Juvenile Justice. 
Reisman's entire man- 
date was to count the 


THE $732,000 HEADLINE 

What's going on? The September third 
New York Times reported on a study by 
Judith Reisman of the American Univer- 
sity. The headline claimed “CHILD ABUSE 
AND PHOTOS LINKED EY A RESEARCHER.” 
Apparently, the Government gave her 
$732,000 to count cartoons in PLAYBOY, 
Penthouse and Hustler. Great work if you 
can get it. Reisman was quoted as saying 


sexual images of children in 683 issues 
of three men's magazines. She included not 
only depictions of prepubescent individuals 
but those of adults with kids’ toys and every 
single panel of тїлүвоү'з “Little Anne 
Fanny,” whose heroine was construed to be 
a child, 

University of Pennsylvania professor 
Robert M. Figlio, a member of the panel of 
experts asked by the American University to 


A C K 


review Reisman's study, wrote, “This manu- 
script cannol stand as a publishable andlor 
deliverable product” and described the 
report's contribution to scholarship and pol- 
icy making as “nil.” He found Reisman's 
definition of child “almost meaningless.” 

No, you will not become a pedophile by 
looking at the picture of Paulina holding a 
Teddy bear. Pedophiles are sexually imma- 
ture individuals who probably had very lit- 
ile exposure to erotica during adolescence. 
They are the products of sexual repression 
who grew up in environments where their 
own sexual curiosity was denied or pun- 
ished. That repression produced crippled 
adults who, in turn, cripple children. 

If the Reagan Administration were truly 
interested in children, it would spend its 
money on shelters for abused or runaway 
children, not on wasteful and bizarre 
“research.” 


CANADIAN BUREAUCRATS 
IN BONDAGE 
I happened to be in Canada for Expo 
'86 and had an experience reminiscent of 
Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four. 1 pur- 
chased a copy of the October issue of 
PLAYBOY and found one of the pages torn 
out of the pictorial on Wendy O. Wil- 
liams (“Oh, Wendy O.!") Initially, | 
thought it must be the result of vandal- 
ism by some drug-crazed rock fan, but 
then I discovered that all of the maga- 
zines on the rack were similarly defaced. 
I asked the store owner, and he said that, 
no, rock fans weren't to blame—rather, 
some pious jerks known as the Periodical 
Review Board of British Columbia. I had 
thought Canada was a free country. 
When 1 got back to the States, 1 pur- 
chased a copy, intact, and now І am even 
more baffled. Why would anyone censor 
that picture? 
Nathanial Bynner 
Evanston, Illinois 
A bureaucrat on the Periodical Review 
Board of British Columbia looked at the 
picture of Wendy O. on pages 74 and 75 
and decided that it depicted bondage. Jillian 
Ridington, chairperson, wrote to us to 
explain her assessment: “Our opinion was 
based primarily on the fact that the para- 
chute cord is around the neck and upper 
body of the nude subject . . . and on the fact 
that the costume worn by Wendy O. includes 
a bondage harness and not the type of har- 
ness that would normally be worn by a wing 
walker.” The picture could be viewed as 
bondage only if one ignored not only the 
details of the photograph but also the text 
and pictures that accompanied it. The cords 


of the parachute were loosely tangled about 
Williams’ body. The harness, while perhaps 
not one worn by a wing walker, is one worn 
by a punk-rock star, which Williams is. Of 
course, if we had asked Wendy O. to walk 
naked on the wing of the plane and jump 
without the parachule and had published 
the results, the Canadian censors would 
have left PLAYBOY intact. 


ROAD WARRIOR 

As a physician who conducts drug 
testing on truck drivers for the Depart- 
ment of Transportation, let me inform 
you that your position against drug test- 
ing is wrong. 

1 hope some 18-wheeler being driven 
by a driver high on speed, with three 
days of coke in him and smoking a joint, 
meets up with you. 

Joey M. Pirrung, M.D. 
‘Mesquite, Texas 

Before the civil rights movement, many 
Southerners used to say that before they 
would hire a black maid, she would have to 
go for a V.D. test. They were not concerned. 
about her health; rather, they used the test to 
examine her morals and to let her know that 
her private life was their business. 

If you look at drug testing, you see a simi- 
lar pattern. Isn't it curious that the first 
people Reagan went after were the air- 
traffic controllers, the only Government 
employees with the balls to go out on strike? 
And that New York City's mayor Ed Koch 
went after the groups wilh whom he has 
the most problems—policemen, firemen, 
taxi drivers? Drug testing is an instrument 
of punishment and repression, just as the 
V.D. test was in the South. Furthermore, it 
is inaccurate. The threat of testing encour- 
ages people who abuse coke and speed 
(which stay in the body for only a few days) 
and discourages those who smoke dope 
(which can be detected for 21 days). The test 
doesn't even measure impairment, just 
recent history. There was nothing to stop 
maids from leading “immoral” lives once 
they had passed the blood test. The same 
problem applies to your profession. We think 
the testers should be tested; here you are, a 
doctor, hoping for violence. What are you 
on, doc? If you really want to ensure thal 
truck drivers or pilots or surgeons are com- 
petent to perform their jobs, test their motor 
skills before they get into the truck or the 
plane or the operating room. 


NAVY BLUES 
I'm in the Navy, and I know what 

drug testing is like. The command ran- 
domly picks a certain number of people a 
month to give a urine sample. If you 
refuse, they take you into custody and 
extract your urine by catheter. Is this 
what they call voluntary drug testing? 

(Name withheld by request) 

U.S. Navy 


SLOW BURN 

I joined the Service for the same rea- 
son I am writing this letter, and that is to 
defend my country's freedom. Jerry 
Falwell and his cohorts are attempting to 
demolish the very structure of our way of 
life by attacking one of its most bas- 
ic principles—the First Amendment. 
While others attempt to safeguard the 
house we all share, these domestic arson- 
ists attempt to burn it down from 
within. 

It is my belief that Falwell and those 
who support his cause are a bigger threat 
to democracy than any number of Com- 
munist aggressors I could expect to 
encounter on the field of battle. 

Michael A. Scott 
Kunsan, Korea 


There is an old story, possibly apocry- 
phal, about L.BJ.'s bid for his Texas 
Senatorial seat in 1948. In the final days 
of the campaign, Johnson's lead was slip- 
ping badly. He called in his most trusted 
aide and gave him the following instruc- 
tions: “I want you to leak a rumor to the 
press that my opponent enjoys sexual 
relations with his barnyard sow." His 
aide gasped with astonishment, “But, 
Mr. Johnson, no one will believe that 
your opponent is a pig fucker!” Johnson 
leaned back in his chair and said, smil- 
ing, “Of course not, but let's make the 
son of a bitch squirm.” 

I equate Meese with Johnson—and 
PLAYBOY is squirming. You'd be smart if 
you took a lesson from Richard Nixon, 
who, in 1968, fearing that George Wal- 
lace would split the Republican vote, 
ignored Wallace's candidacy. This tack 
cflectively reduced Wallace's credibility. 


Your readers believe in PLAYBOY. You 

don't have to defend yourself to us. 
Glen Golub 
St. Louis, Missouri 

We don't think we have to defend PLAYBOY 
to our readers, either, and we're not —what 
we are defending is the First Amendment. 
This entire country should be squirming 
under the threat 5 the Meese patrol. 

It’s not a wise idea to ignore someone in a 
position of considerable power who is tram- 
pling on the Bill of Rights. Many of our 
readers agree. See the following letter. 


I don’t think that people realize how 
essential it is for us to protect our consti- 
tutional rights, and I think that people 
are just simply waiting for what they 
consider the latest in Falwell fads to run 
its course. Apathy is dangerous, since it 
allows the madness of a few to affect the 
lives of millions for years to come. This is 
nol acceptable, nor can it be allowed. 

Frederick T. Marques 
College Station, Texas 


WRONG MESSAGE FROM THE RIGHT 
I recently received a postcard in the 
mail that read: 


The blood of Jesus Christ cleanses 
us from all sin. Whosoever is not 
found written in the book of life will 
be cast into the lake of fire. The 
wages of sin is death, but the gift of 
God is eternal life through Jesus 
Christ our Lord, Ask the Lord Jesus 
Christ to save you right now! 


This message is not anything prose- 
lytizers haven't sent me before. But 
what caught my eye was the 
return address on the card, which had 
my name listed, as well as the address 

(continued on page 40) 


PLAYBOY: 3; MEESEKETEERS: I — 


For the third time in four months, a Federal court has ruled in favor of 
PLAYBOY and against public officials’ attempts to censor it. On October 3, 1986, 
U.S. District Court judge Myron H. Thompson approved fees of $39,732 and 
costs of $4081 for attorneys representing Playboy Enterprises, Inc., and other 
plaintiffs against the city of Montgomery, Alabama, its county district attor- 


ney, James H. Evans, the chief of police, John H. Wilson, and special prosecu- 
tor Thomas O. Kotouc. 

The suit was filed when local magazine wholesalers and retailers refused to 
sign a form distributed by the district attorney and chief of police stating that 


they would refrain from selling adult magazines, including PLAYBOY. In retalia- 
tion, Evans initiated grand-jury proceedings against the local merchants, 
Playboy Enterprises, Inc., two other national publishers of adult magazines, 
the Council for Periodical Distributors Associations and the International Peri- 
odical Distributors Association. 

On July 24, 1986, Playboy Enterprises, Inc., and other plaintiffs won the suit 
against Evans and the city of Montgomery. Judge Thompson entered an 
injunction declaring that “Evans and the task force have engaged in an illegal 
prior restraint against all plaintiffs and that they [have] illegally instituted 
criminal proceedings against the national publishers and trade associations 
and the local merchants.” 


Many journalists called it the new 
monkey trial or Scopes II, as though 
the hearings in Greeneville, Tennessee, 
were just another Hollywood sequel. 
They were wrong. What happened in 
Tennessee resembled Galileo's meeting 
with the Grand Inquisitor rather than 
part two of Inherit the Wind. 

And what happened in Ten- 
nessee—while not devastat- 
ing in itself—is ominous. It 
will have far-reaching effects. 

Last July, born-again 
Christians from Church Hill 
went to Federal court to 
demand that the public 
schools provide their children 
with textbooks other than 
those used throughout the 
school system. They argued 
that the educational process 
was contaminating their chil- 
dren by exposing them to the 
state religion of secular 


humanism. 
The textbooks in question 


were a series published by 
Holt, Rinehat & Win- 
ston—a series, incidentally, 
used by fifth and sixth grad- 
ers at Jerry Falwell's Lynch- 
burg Academy without 
complaint. But those books, 
though good enough for 
Jerry's kids, were not good 
enough for the even more 
conservative group in Church 
Hill. The lead plaintiff, Vicki 
Frost, was alarmed by the 
texts; she explained, “I’m a 
born-again Christian. The 
word of God is the totality of my 
beliefs," and the texibooks, as well as 
other parts of the reading curriculum, 
contained much that did not jibe with 
her beliefs. 

The plaintiffs cited hundreds of 
instances of objectionable material, 
including: 

* Discussion of the Renaissance, 
because “a central idea of the Renais- 
sance was a belief in the dignity and 
worth of human beings.” 

* Discussion of Leonardo da Vinci, 
because his paintings glorify man 
instead of God. 

* A science-fiction story titled A Visit 
to Mars, because (according to Frost) it 
deals with thought transference, or 
telepathy, a supernatural ability that is 
properly God’s alone. 


“A passage in Anne Frank: The 
Diary of a Young Girl, because it 
implies that all religions are equal. 
(Anne tells a friend, “Oh, I don't 
mean you have to be orthodox. . . . 
I just mean some religion. It doesn't 
matter what. Just to believe in some- 
thing.") 

* A mention of Roman Catholicism. 
To make such a mention acceptable, 
the children “would have to be exposed. 
to the error of it.” 

* A text suggesting that children use 
“the powerful and magical eye inside 
[their] head[s]"—their imagination. 
The children of Christians, says Frost, 


‘TheCrnstan Soence Monto! 


“cannot violate their religious beliefs 
by participating inan occult practice. .. . 
I cannot cope with my child closing his 
eyes and going into a supernatural 
experience. Our children's imagina- 
tions have to be bounded.” 

* Shakespeare's Macbeth, because it 
mentions magic and witchcraft. 

* The Wizard of Oz, for concluding 
thar people have a power within them- 
selves to change the way they are. 

* The fairy tale Cinderella, because it 
mentions magic. 

+ Stories about dinosaurs, because 
their existence indicates that the earth 
is older than the Bible tells us. 

The plaintiffs’ reasoning (or lack of 
it) is enough to make most people 
chuckle. But the laughter stops when 
we read Federal judge Thomas Hull's 


ruling: “Despite the fact that many 
people holding more orthodox religious 
beliefs might find the plaintiffs" beliefs 
inconsistent, illogical, incomprehensi- 
ble and unacceptable,” the plaintiffs" 
objections were "sincerely held reli- 
gious convictions. . . ." Hull noted that. 
the plaintiffs were afraid that their chil- 
dren, after an unedited dose of the 
offending readers, "might adopt the 
views of a feminist, a humanist, a paci- 
fist, an anti-Christian, a vegetarian or 
an advocate of “one-world govern- 
ment." And he gave the plaintiffs’ chil- 
dren the right to cut class rather than face 
exposure to such godless material. 

But what if one's "sincerely 
held convictions" are not 
“religious”? Мау feminists 
demand that their children 
be allowed to cut classes in 
which history is taught 
terms of male accomplish- 
ments? May pacifists say that 
their kids ain't gonna study 
war no more? May a vegetar- 
ian cut a biology class in 
which meat is mentioned as 
part of the food chain? 

By making secular human- 
ism into a religion, Southern 
judges are rewriting history. 
They may as well hau! Guten- 
berg into court. For funda- 
mentalists, the issuc is not just 
what is in the textbooks but 
the existence of text. As Pro- 
fessor Butler Shaffer wrote, 
“When men and women were 
able to read the Bible or the 
theories of Copernicus or 
Galileo or Servetus, it was 
inevitable that most would 
become attracted to the sen- 
timent that they, as indi- 
viduals, were as capable of 
discovering truth asa Pope." Or 
a fundamentalist housewife. 

If schools have any legiti- 
mate function, it is to impart 

enough knowledge for its charges to 
function as adults in a society based on 
informed consent. Children should not 
be forced into classrooms; but the 
proper place to protect people from 
unpleasant truths is not a classroom. 
It's a padded cell. 

A faith is made no truer by willful 
denial of facts or other ideas. The 
Church authorities forced Galileo to 
recant his belief that the earth revolved 
around the sun and banned his texts. 
They established their authority but 
did nothing to change the movement of 
the planets. The devout in Church Hill 
tried to reassert their authority over this 
plague of questioning minds. Their kids 
now have the option not only of opt- 
ing out of class but of opting out of the 
"Twentieth Century. —JOHN DENTINGER 


N E W S F R ON T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


OTTAWA, ONTARIO—A report prepared by 
two social scientists for the Canadian jus- 
tice department says that concern over 
pornography is based on emotion rather 
than fact and that there is no good evi- 
dence that porn harms adults or adversely 
affects their behavior. Professors H. B. 
McKay and D. J. Dolff said they had 
found "considerable evidence of conceptu- 
ally cloudy thinking related to virtually 
every aspect of the work [on porn]. The 
literature is rife with speculation and 
unwarranted assumptions, e.g., that aiti- 
tudes and behavior are highly correlated 
or track each other directly.” The report 
was prepared for Canadian justice 
authorities prior to the government's 
introduction of criminal-code amend- 
ments that would establish a five-year 
prison sentence for anyone who produced 
or distributed pornography. But porn is so 
broadly defined as to include nearly any 
depiction of sexual behavior. 


` MAD 


NEW YORK CITY—Changing heart on a 
sticky legal issue, the American Medical 
Association has told doctors that in some 
cases, they have a moral obligation to set 
aside doctor-patient confidentiality. The 


advice came after The Pittsburgh Press 
stated that at least 23 airline-crew mem- 
bers, including a pilot near death from a 
cocaine overdose, had been treated at local 
hospitals for drug-related medical crises 
without their conditions’ bemg reported. 
According to an A.M.A. spokesman, 
“Physicians recognize the moral obliga- 


tion under certain circumstances to report 
because of the overriding consideration 
for public safety.” However, a spokesman 
for the Hospital Association of Pennsylva- 
nia said that a 1972 state law forbids 
such disclosure and puts medical person- 
nel in a bind. If they don't disclose names, 
he said, “there's a possibility for catastro- 
phe. If they do tell somebody, they're liable 
1o be sued or prosecuted.” 


EE Lm 


GOTEBORG. SWEDEN— Researchers at 
Sahlgrenska Hospital have discovered 
that elderly people who remain sexually 


active have more vitality and better memo- 


ries than their inactive counterparts. Two 
studies conducted over a 12-year period 
found that psychological rather than bio- 
logical problems lead to a decline in sex- 
ual activity and that “to give up one's 
sexual life leads to a drop in memory ca- 


pacity and intellectual ability.” 


2 МНЕ 


A nationwide survey conducted by the 
magazine New Woman finds todays 
women giving some interesting replies to 
questions on sex. Of 34,000 respondents: 

Forty-four percent of married women 
admit to having had extramarital sex. 
Fifty-five percent say they've had sex on a 
first date. Thirty percent say they've had 
Sex against their will. Ninety percent say 
they're turned on by erotica. 

One of the surprise responses, from 40 
percent of the women surveyed, was that 
they often prefer lust-filled “quickies” to 
romantic cuddling. 


AOS UPDATE 


* Researchers in Seattle have discov- 
ered a drug that elicits, in monkeys, not 
only AIDS-antibody production but also 
an immune response that is considered 
essential to an effective defense against the 
AIDS virus. The response is a “cell- 
mediated” one in which the white blood 
cells “learn” what the live AIDS virus 
looks like and proliferate im defense 
against it. 

* At the University of California at 
Davis, a drug based on the original Salk 
polio vaccine has been found to give at 
least a year's protection to monkeys 
injected with lethal doses of an AIDSlike 
virus. 

* The Federal Government has decided. 
that the drug aziodthymidine (A.Z.T.) is 
effective enough as an interim treatment 
of AIDS to be made available to victims of 
the disease. 

"A doctor at Cambridge University's 
department of hematological medicine has 
used the results of his leukemia research as 
the basis for a new AIDS test that report- 
edly is inexpensive, highly accurate, 
simple enough to be conducted with a min- 
imum of equipment and capable of detect- 
ing a strain of AIDS virus missed by most 
other testing methods. 

* A study of families in Zaire seems to 
confirm the theory that AIDS can be 
transmitted by either spouse to the other 
through sexual contact or the sharing of 
blood products but that the virus is not 
otherwise transmitted in close day-to-day 
contact between family members, even 
when sanitary conditions are poor. 

* Heterosexual intercourse is now the 
predominant means of AIDS transmission 
in Haiti, but the Haitian-American 
research team making that discovery also 
speculates that the virus may be more eas- 
ily spread among people with other sexu- 
ally transmitted diseases. 

* A doctor at France's Pasteur Institute 
reports that mosquitoes, ticks and other 
vermin in central Africa carry the AIDS 
virus and may be a “natural reservoir” for 
the disease, but he notes that epidemiologi- 
cal studies of children who are frequenily 
bitten by contaminated insects find they do 
not contract the disease from bug bites. 

* New York University Medical Center 
tests of 20 college-educated, high-priced 
callgirls who average 200 customers a 
year found only one to have the AIDS 
virus, and she described herself as an 


intravenous-drug user. 


S O R S H 


reer 


to the Meese commis- 

approval of pressure- 
group censorship, Waldenbooks staged 
a promotion featuring 52 volumes that 
had been “challenged, burned or 
banned somewhere in the United 
States during the past 15 years." The 
titles and the reasons for outrage 
against these books are so astounding 
that we decided to publish the com- 
plete list. 

"The Bastard, by John Jakes. Removed 
from Montour (Pennsylvania) High 
School library, 1976. 

“Bloodline, by Sidney Sheldon. Chal- 
lenged in Abingdon, Virginia, 1980; 
Elizabethton, Tennessee, 1981. 

“Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley. 
Removed from classroom, Miller, Mis- 
souri, 1980. Challenged frequently 
throughout the U. 

Currie, by Stephen King. Considered 
“trash” that is especially harmful for 
“younger girls.” Challenged by Clark 
High School library, Las Vegas, 
Nevada, 1975. Placed on special closed 
shelf in Union High School library, 
Vergennes, Vermont, 1978. 

"The Catcher in the Rye, by J. D. Salinger. 
Considered “dangerous” because of 
vulgarity, occultism, violence and sex- 
ual content. Banned in Freeport High 
School, DeFuniak Springs, Florida, 
1985. Removed from Issaquah, Wash- 
ington, optional high school reading 
list, 1978; required reading list, 
Middleville, Michigan, 1979; Jackson- 
Milton school libraries, North Jackson, 
Ohio, 1980; Anniston, Alabama, high 
school libraries, 1982. Challenged by 
Libby (Montana) High School, 1983. 

#€afch-22, by Joseph Heller. Considered 
"dangerous" because of objectionable 
language. Banned in Strongsville, 
Ohio, 1972 (overturned in 1976). Chal- 
lenged by Dallas, Texas, Independent 
School District high school libraries, 
1974, and by Snoqualmie, Washington, 
1979. 

The Clan of the Cave Bear, by Jean M. 
Auel. Challenged by numerous public 
libraries. 

A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Bur- 
gess. “Objectionable” language. Removed 
from Westport, Rhode Island, high 
school classrooms, 1977; Aurora, Colo- 
rado, high school classrooms, 1976; 
Anniston, Alabama, high school librar- 
ies, 1982. 

“The Color Purple, by Alice Walker. Con- 
sidered inappropriate because of its 


“troubling ideas about race relations, 
man’s relationship to God, African his- 
tory and human sexuality." Chal- 
lenged by Oakland, California, high 
school honors class, 1984; rejected for 
purchase by Hayward, California, 
school trustees. 

"The Crucible, by Arthur Miller. Consid- 

ered dangerous because it contains 
“sick words from the mouths of demon- 
possessed people." Challenged һу 
Cumberland Valley High School, Har- 
risburg, Pennsylvania, 1982. 
Cujo, by Stephen King. Profanity and 
strong sexual content cited as reasons 
for opposition. Banned by Washington 
County, Alabama, Board of Education, 
1985; challenged by Rankin County, 
Mississippi, School District, 1984 
removed by Bradford, New York, 
school library, 1985; rejected for pur- 
chase by Hayward, California, school 
trustecs, 1985. 

"Death of a Salesman, by Arthur Miller. 
Gited for profanity. Banned by Spring 
Valley Communit High School, 
French Lick, Indiana, 1981; chal- 
lenged by Dallas, Texas, Independent 
School District high school libraries, 
1974. 

The Devil's Alternative, by Frederick 
Forsyth. Removed by Evergreen 
School District, Vancouver, Washing- 
ton, 1983. 

The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank. 
Objections to sexually offensive pas- 
sages. Challenged by Wise County, 
Virginia, 1982; Alabama State Text- 
book Committee, 1983. 

East of Eden, by John Steinbeck. Consid- 
ered “ungodly and obscene.” Removed 
from Anniston, Alabama, high school 
librarics, 1982; Morris, Manitoba, 
school libraries, 1982. 

СА Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Heming- 
way. Labeled as a “sex novel.” Chal- 
lenged by Dallas, Texas, Independent 
School District high school libraries, 
1974; Vernon-Verona-Sherill, New 
York, School District, 1980. 

“Firestarter, by Stephen King. Cited for 
“graphic descriptions of sexual acts, 
vulgar language and violence.” Chal- 
lengcd by Campbell County, Wyo- 
ming, school system, 1983-1984. 
Flowers for Algernon, by Daniel Keyes. 
Explicit, distasteful love scenes cited 
among reasons for opposition. Banned 
by Plant City, Florida, 1976; Empo- 
rium, Pennsylvania, 1977; Glen Rose 
(Arkansas) High School library, 1981. 


Challenged by Oberlin (Ohio) High 
School, 1983; Glenrock (Wyoming) 
High School, 1984. 

“Flowers in the Attic, by V. C. Andrews. 
Considered “dangerous” because it 
contains “offensive passages concern- 
ing incest and sex intercourse.” 
Challenged by Richmond (Rhode 
Island) High School, 1983. 

Forever, by Judy Blume. Detractors cite 
its “four-letter words and [talk] about 
masturbation, birth control and dis- 
obedience to parents.” Challenged by 
Midvalley Junior-Senior High School 
library, Scranton, Pennsylvania, 1982; 
Orlando, Florida, schools, 1982; 
Akron, Ohio, School District libraries, 
1983, Howard-Suamico (Wisconsin) 
High School, 1983; Holdredge, 
Nebraska, Public Library, 1984; Cedar 
Rapids, lowa, Public Library, 1984; 
Patrick County, Virginia, School 
Board, 1986; Park Hill (Missouri) 
South Junior High School library, 
1982. 

‘The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck. 
Considered “dangerous” because of 
vulgar language and the unfavorable 
depiction of a former minister. Banned 
in Kanawha, Iowa, 1980; Morris, 
Manitoba, 1982. Challenged by 
Vernon-Verona-Sherill, New York, 
School District, 1980; Richford, Ver- 
mont, 1981. 

Harriet the Spy, by Louise Fitzhugh. 
Considered “dangerous” because it 
“teaches children to lic, spy, back-talk 
and curse.” Challenged by Xenia, 
Ohio, school libraries, 1983. 
"Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain. Con- 
sidered “dangerous” because of objec- 
tionable language and “racist” terms 
and content. Challenged by Winnetka, 
Illinois, 1976; Warrington, Pennsylva- 
nia, 1981; Davenport, Iowa, 1981; 
Fairfax Gounty, Virginia, 1982; Hous- 
ton, Texas, 1982; State College, Penn- 
sylvania, area school district, 1983; 
Springficld, Illinois, 1984; Waukegan, 
Illinois, 1984. 

TT Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by 
Maya Angelou. Considered “danger- 
ous” because it preaches “bitterness 
and hatred against whites." Chal- 
lenged by Alabama State Textbook 
Committe, 1983. 

lggies House, by Judy Blume. Chal- 
lenged by Casper, Wyoming, school 
libraries, 1984. 

“W's Okay if You Don't Love Me, by Nor- 
ma Klein. Considered “dangerous” 


5S © @ 


because it portrays “sex as the only 
thing on young people's minds." 
Banned in Haywood County, Califor- 
nia, 1981. Removed by Widcheld (Col- 
orado) High School, 1983; Vancouver, 
Washington, School District, 1984. 

"he living Bible, by William C. Bower. 
Considered "dangerous" because it is 
“a perverted commentary on the King 
James Version.” Burned in Gastonia, 
North Carolina, 1981. 

"tord"of the Flies, by William Golding. 
Considered “demoralizing inasmuch 
as it implies that man is little more 
than an animal.” Challenged by Dal- 
las, Texas, Independent School Dis- 
trict high school libraries, 1974; Sully 
Butts (South Dakota) High School, 
1981; Owen (North Carolina) High 
School, 1981; Marana (Arizona) High 
School, 1983; Olney, Texas, Independ- 
ent School District, 1984. 

Flove"Is One of the Choices, by Norma 
Klein, Removed by Evergreen School 
District, Vancouver, Washington, 
1983. 

"WHE Martian Chronicles, by Ray Brad- 

ity and the use of God's 


nged by Haines City 
(Florida) High School, 1982. 
тее Circle, by Robert Ludlum. 
Unnecessarily rough language and 
sexual descriptions” caused opposition 
to this novel. Restricted (to students 
with parental consent) by Pierce 
(Nebraska) High School, 1983. 

HE Merchant of Venice, by William 
Shakespeare. Objections to purported 
i-Semitism. Banned by Midland, 
igan, classrooms, 1980. 
"Ninefeen Eighty-Four, by George Orwell. 
Objections to pro-Communist material 
and explicit sexual matter. Challenged 
by Jackson County, Florida, 1981. 
"OF "Mice and Men, by John Stein- 
beck. Considered “dangerous” because 
of its profanity and “vulgar language." 
Banned in Syracuse, Indiana, 1974; 
Oil City, Pennsylvania, 1977; Grand 
Blanc, Michigan, 1979; Continental, 
Ohio, 1980; Skyline High School, 
Scottsboro, Alabama, 1983. Chal- 
lenged by Greenville, South Carolina, 
1977; Vernon-Verona-Sherill, New 
York, School District, 1980; St. David, 
Arizona, 1981; Telly City, Indiana, 
1982; Knoxville, Tennessee, School 
Board, 1984. 

"ORE Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, by 
Alexander Solzhenitsyn. Objectionable 


R E С 


language. Removed by Milton (New 
Hampshire) High School library, 1976. 
Challenged by Mahwah, New Jersey, 
1976; Omak, Washington, 1979; 
Mohawk Trail Regional High School, 
Buckland, Massachusetts, 1981. 

"ORE Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, by Ken 
Kesey. Removed from required read- 
ing list by Westport, Massachusetts, 
1977. Banned by Freemont High 
School, St. Anthony, Idaho. (Instruc- 
tor was fired.) Challenged by Merri- 
mack (New Hampshire) High School. 

"Ordinary People, by Judith Guest. 
Called "obscene" and "depressing 
Banned (temporarily) by Merrimack 
(New Hampshire) High School, 1982. 

"Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great, by 
Judy Blume. Challenged by Casper, 
Wyoming, school libraries, 1984. 

PfBePigman, by Paul Zindel. Considered 
dangerous because it features “liars, 
cheaters and stealers.”” Challenged by 
Hillsboro, Missouri, School District, 
1985. 

"HE Red Pony, by John Steinbeck. Called 
a “filthy, trashy sex novel.” Chal- 
lenged by Vernon-Verona-Sherill, New 
York, School District, 1980. 

"The" Seduction of Peter S., by Lawrence 
Sanders. Called “blatantly graphic, 
pornographic and wholly unacceptable 
for a high school library.” Burned by 
Stroudsburg (Pennsylvania) High 
School library, 1985. 

Separate Peoce, by John Knowles. 
Detractors cite offensive language and 
sex as dangerous elements in this 
novel. Challenged by Vernon-Verona- 
Sherill, New York, School District, 1980; 
Fannett-Mctal High School, Ship- 
pensburg, Pennsylvania, 1985. 

„ by Stephen King. Consid- 
ered dangerous because it “contains 
violence and demonic possession and 
ridicules the Christian religion." Chal- 
lenged by Campbell County, Wyo- 
ming, school system, 1983. Banned by 
Washington County, Alabama, Board 
of Education, 1985. 

"Silas"Marner, by George Eliot. Banned 
by Union High School, Anahcim, Cali- 
fornia, 1978. 

"Sfaughterhouse-five, by Kurt Vonnegut, 
Jr. Considered "dangerous" because 
of violent, irreverent, profane and 
sexually explicit content. Burned in 
Drake, North Carolina, 1973; Roches- 
ter, Michigan, 1972; Levittown, New 
York, 1975; North Jackson, Ohio, 1979; 
Lakcland, Florida, 1982, Barred from 


A R D 


purchase by Washington Park High 
School, Racine, Wisco 1984. 
lenged by Owensboro (Kentucky) 
High School library, 1985. 
Psuperfudge, by Judy Blume. Disap- 
proval based on "profane, immoral 
and offensive” content. Challenged by 
Casper, Wyoming, school libraries, 
1984, Bozeman, Montana, school librar- 
ies, 1985. 
"Thot Was Then, This Is Now, by S. E. 
Hinton. Objections to "graphic lan- 
guage, subject matter, immoral tone 
and lack of literary quality.” Chal- 
lenged by Pagosa Springs, Colorado, 
schools, 1983. 
"To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lec. 
Considered “dangerou because of 
profanity and undermining of race 
relations. Challenged (temporarily 
banned) in Eden Valley, Minnesota, 
1977; Vernon-Verona-Sherill, New 
York, School District, 1980; Warren, 
Indiana, township schools, 1981; Wau- 
kegan, Illinois, School District, 1984; 
Kansas City, Missouri, junior high 
schools, 1985; Park Hill (Missouri) 
Junior High School, 1985. Protested by 
black parents and NAACP in Casa 
Grande (Arizona) Elementary School 
District, 1985. 
"Ulysses, by James Joyce. “Given its long 
history of censorship, Ulysses has rarely 
been selected for high school librar- 
ies."—Judith Krug, director, Office 
for Intellectual Freedom, American 
Library Association, 1986. 
TURE Tom's Cabin, by Harrict Beecher 
Stowe. Use of the word nigger caused 
opposition. Challenged by Waukegan, 
Illinois, School District, 1984, 
The Valley of the Horses, by Jean M. 
Auel. Discredited because of obscen- 
ity and pornography, Challenged by 
Bastrop, Texas, 1984. 
"Where the Sidewolk Ends, by Shel 
Silverstein. Considered by opponents 
to undermine parental, school and reli- 
gious authority. Pulled from shelves for 
review by Minot, North Dakota, public 
school libraries, 1986. Challenged by 
Xenia, Ohio, school libraries, 1983. 
Sources for all of the above informa- 
tion: American Library Association 
Resource Book for Banned Book Week 
1986 and the Newsletter on Intellectual 
Freedom, published by the Office for 
Intellectual Freedom, American Library 
Association. Complete documentation 
is available from the American Library 
Association. 


FEEDBACK (continued) 


of The Playboy Club in Omaha. It seems 
that the “messengers” consider my mem- 
bership in The Playboy Club and my sub- 
scription to PLAYBOY sinful and something 
that will cause my damnation. I re- 
sponded to them as follows: 


PLAYBOY and what it stands for are 
not immoral except to the dose- 
minded few. You have no right to 
make a moral judgment based on 
what clubs I join or what I read. 

In a pluralistic society such as 
ours, we must be willing to tolerate 
the way other people are, think or 
act. While this fact may bother you, 
I find it an essential ingredient of 
American life. 


(Name withheld by request) 
Omaha, Nebraska 


FEEL ME, TOUCH ME 

I recently read that Congress tried to 
eliminate the Braille edition of PLAYBOY 
funded by the Library of Congress [Janu- 
ary Forum Newsfront]. Luckily, Federal 
judge Thomas F. Hogan correctly saw this 
as a breach of the First Amendment. 
(Maybe you guys could introduce Judge 
Hogan to our buddy Ed Meese.) 

The fact that there is a Braille edition of 
PLAYBOY is proof that there really are peo- 


When you have a complex, major 
social problem that seems incapable 
of solution, just take it to William F. 
Buckley, Jr. 

For example, in an article he 
wrote in March for The New York 
Times, W.F.B., Jr., solved the prob- 
lem of how to limit the spread of 
AIDS. 

“Everyone detected with AIDS,” 
he announced, "should be tat- 
tooed . . . on the buttocks, to 
prevent the victimization of other 
homosexuals." 

A brilliant concept, despite its evi- 


group. 


dent indifterence to the plight of blind homosexuals—a 
minority that surely needs every friend it can get—and the 
regrettable fact that it would oblige us to stick ink-dipped 
needles into hemophiliacs, another major AIDS-victim 


But a central question remains: Just how do we word 
this derriére deterrent, this ass alarm? Should we take a 
leaf from the antismoking movement, with something like 
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: ANAL INTERCOURSE—AT LEAST WITH THIS. 
INDIVIDUAL—MAY CAUSE SLOW, WASTING DEATH AND REPEATED INTER- 


ple who read your magazine only for the 
articles. And all these years I thought my 
father was lying to me. 

Tom A. Swanner 


Long Beach, California 
CHILLING DAYS IN GEORGIA 


As a librarian and a subscriber to 
PLAYBOY, I was pleased to see your cartoon 
on page 176 of the October issue dealing 
with library censorship. Your recent cov- 
erage of the Mecsc-commission-report 
debate has also been commendable. 
Those who hold that the report is not a 
threat to our libraries overlook the possi- 
ble chilling effect that it will have on the 
free flow of information and ideas. 

People for the American Way has just 
reported a 35 percent increase in library- 
censorship attempts in the past year, and 
a recent A.C.L.U. report, “Censorship in 
the South: A Report of Four States 
1980-1985,” has shown that here in Geor- 
gia, 73.1 percent of public libraries and 
25.7 percent of public school libraries have 
had materials challenged since 1980. 
Those figures do not reflect the informal 
censoring that occurs when libraries 
decide not to purchase materials out of 
fear of potential censorship. 

Thomas F. Budlong, Jr. 
Decatur, Georgia 


Georgia is not the only state to undergo 
library censorship. See "Censorship Score 


SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE. 


Well, hell, we can work out the details later. Whats 
important is that Bill Buckley has provided the key to end- 
ing the spread of this virulent disease, thus earning, again, 
the praise of all decent Americans. 

Except, possibly, for those legions of poor bastards who 
will contract it via contaminated tattoo needles. 


Card" for a list of books challenged, burned 
or banned in the U.S. in the past 15 years. 


CRACKED COMMENT 
Asan editor of Cracked, a magazine that 
specializes in the outrageous, I’ve been 
following The Playboy Forum intently. 
From the banning of porn to the banning 
of rock magazines—can we be far 
behind? 


. Frederic Wertham 
wrote the infamous Seduction of the Inno- 
cent, a book that blamed comic books for 
all the evils of the day. Dr. Wertham listed 
case after gruesome case involving violent 
juveniles and erroneously concluded that 
since kids read comics, it must be comics 
that make them violent. One of the main 
targets of Wertham's book was EC Com- 
ics, publisher of the classic horror comics 
of the Fifties. 

Today, the works of Wertham are 
largely forgotten. Meanwhile, all of EC's 
titles have recently been reissued in deluxe 
hardcover volumes. | trust that PLAYBOY 
will still be going strong in the next cen- 
tury as historians ask, “Meese who?” 

Michael Delle-Femine 
Editor in Chief 
Cracked 

New York, New York 

When a government goes afler sex, drugs 
and rock 'n' roll, there's little room for laugh- 
ter. Maybe you will be next. 


VIEWS BY LOCAL NEWSPERSONS FOR HUMAN- 
INTEREST STORIES? 

Nah, definitely too wordy. Let's get 
right to the point: PLOW ME AND DIE, 
maybe. Or would depressed/ 
masochistic gays just consider that a 
package deal? 

Perhaps we could adapt some 
common highway warning sign. оо 
NOT ENTER Certainly minces no words 
but is almost provocatively blunt. 
PROCEED WITH CAUTION might be 
preferable; or, better still, proceeo 
матн conbom—not perfect, true, but 
superior to, Say, STOP Of WRONG way ог 


Robert S. Wieder 
El Cerrito, California 


© 1963 R. REYNOLDS TOBACCO ОО. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking - e гел” 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Y mg. “tar”, 0.8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method, 
5 fm Ó 
uw 


Hennessy 


The civilized way i. 
to say good night [MN 


=>. 
< Z 


sumo MICKEY ROURKE 


a candid conversation with a genuine hard case 


the street-tough actor from 


Quick, name a Mickey Rourke movie. Let's 
see... he was the arsonist in “Body Heat, 
right? Small role, real intense? And he had a 
featured role in “Diner” —the popcorn scene, 
right? Now, what else? Oh, yeah, "9/5 
Weeks,” but that didn't stay in town long, did 
H? And yet ‚know 
Mickey Rourke is. That, ladies and gentle- 
men, is what is known in the brand-name 
Eighties as an anomaly: a movie star without 
a hit movie, a famous person who doesn't 
appear on TV, a million-dollar-a-pieture 
man whose pictures don't make millions 

There is as much curiosity about Rourke as 
about any actor today. He isa riveting screen 
presence, rumored to be tough to work with or 
get close to, a guy who appears to be a genu 
ine hard case. Unlike James Dean, Marlon 
Brando or Robert De Niro, heavyweights to 
whom he is often compared, and in stark con 
trast to the contemporary tough guys of show 
business, such as Sean Penn—who may be 
"bad" but grew up comfortably m the middle 
class—Rourke came up from the meanest of 
streets. Whal we may have here, in other 
words, is the real thing. 

Rourke was the product of a badly broken 
home, uprooted early and raised in Miami's 
dangerous Liberty City: his main ambilion in 
life was to be a prize fighter. At 19, when it 


everyone seems lo know who 


“You want to be bad, don't be bad in a Holly- 
wood restaurant, with a bunch of wimpy 
reporters. Punching a photographer—what's 
that? Try going lo jail. Plenty of guys there 
who'll kick your ass for a nickel.” 


became clear that he wasn't Rocky Graziano, 
he borrowed a few hundred dollars from his 
sister and headed for Manhattan. He lived 
in sleazoid hotels, scuffling up a living with 
dead-end gigs and, always, banging away in 
acting class. 

The story of Rourke's ascent fiom Miami 
street fighter to Hollywood star is as intense 
and compelling as any he has appeared in on 
screen. His recollections are peppered with 
characters whose names, for legal reasons, 
cannot be mentioned; with deeds that until 
the statute of limitations expires are best left 
sketchy. And with a battery of friends who, 
quite simply, are no longer around. Despite 
the grimness of the tale, Rourke is ever quick 
to point out that he isn't telling it because he 
thinks he had it hard. He's telling it because 
you asked. And he'd be just as happy to keep 
his mouth shut. 

The irony is, having abandoned his bad 
old ways, Mickey Rourke, the oldest 3 1-year- 


old on the planet, now commands upwards of 


$1,000,000 a picture for portraying the 
same breed of troubled tough guy, desperate 
outsider or brinked-out solid citizen he's 
either been around or been his entire lije. 
“With Mickey,” says Stuart Rosenberg, 
who directed him as would-be hood Charlie 
Moran in “The Pope of Greenwich Village,” 


"Lots of times Га end up sitting in the West- 
em Union office all fucking night, with all 
the other lunatics, waiting for ten dollars 
from my grandmother once a month. I was 
living on French-fried potatoes.” 


“you never know if he's going to kiss vou or 
spit in your face. He's got a chip on his shoul- 
der, but he’s also got that very rare quality— 
you'll forgive him for anything.” 

Indeed. In 1981's “Body Heat,” the film 
that put him on the map, it was Rourke's 
smoldering edginess, the smile of pained 
benevolence defusing those gentle killers 
eyes, that transformed a minor role as an 
arsonist into a career-making performance. 
Ti was the first of those “Mickey Rourke 
roles"—parts it was impossible to imagine 
other actors attempting. In "Diner," a film he 
stole, there was Boogie, the smooth-talking 
hairdresser with a soft spot for women and 
long shots. In Francis Coppola's “Rumble 
Fish,” he played the Motorcycle Boy—heir of 
The Wild One—a moody biker whose tattoo 
might have read WORN TO READ KIERKEGAARD, 
Ignored here, the film was hailed. as a minor 
classic in Europe, where Rourke is revered. 

In "Pope," Rourke teamed up with Eric 
Roberts as yet another struggler, a stand-up 
guy estranged from his woman and gunning 
Jor the Mob; and in “Year of the Dragon 
portrayed. New York homicide ace Stanley 
While. Most recently, of course, he starred in 
“Өз Weeks,” potentially the “Last Tango їп 
Paris” of its eva, in which Rourke introduced 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY VINNIE ZUFFANTE / STARFILE 


"Listen, man, I didn't like my foreman when 
1 was in construction. I didn't like the guys 
around the whorehouse when I worked there. 
1 didn't like punching the clock, Um a free 
man, Jack; 1 can do what I want to." 


43 


PLAYBOY 


44 


Kim Basinger to ever more dangerous sexual 
games. 

Bul if some readers are scratching their ear 
lobes and saying, “Gee, 1 didn't like any of 
those flicks," join the crowd. No smash hits 
Лете. Rourke will tell you so rather proudly — 
he's an actor hired by directors who want to 
work with him, not by studios that want to 
put his name оп a marquee. He doesn't sell, 
he delivers. And he often confounds Holly- 
wood by not even delivering what the indu. 
try might expect. The man nixed “Beverly 
Hills Cop." And it's no secret that he'd rather 
hang out with Hell's Angels than with the 
BMW owners who frequent Helena’s and 
Spago. "If there's an underbelly in Beverly 
Hills, Mickey will find it,” is how “Pope” 
author Vincent Patrick sums up this most un- 
Hollywood of Hollywood stars. 

But it was Larry King, of late-night chat- 
show Jame, who struck fear in our hearts at 
the prospect of nailing Mickey down. “He's a 
great guy,” said the master interviewer, “if 
you can get him lo talk. 

Duly warned, we sent writer Jerry Stahl off 
to find out if Mickey Rourke was real. What 
we found was that he's even realer than we 
might have imagined. 

Here is Stahl's report: 

‘1 first hooked up with Mickey Rourke in 
New Orleans, on the set of his forthcoming 
movie ‘Angel Heart,’ where we holed up for a 
spell in the Fish—code name for the Silver- 
fish, a customized silver snail-back trailer the 
star inhabits between takes. Lest any gung-ho 
studio types get a hankering to pop in, the 
man im charge has had a brass plaque 
mounted prominently on the front door. Ils 
message: EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS STAY THE FUCK 
ovr—3hich preity much puts the kibosh on 
chat-happy moguls. 

“Mickey is by reputation a hard guy—if 
not an out-and-out soctopath—but it's clear 
after half a minute with him that the opposite 
may be closer to the truth. Soft-spoken and 
unpretentious, Rourke shows the fans who 
waylay him on the street and the young actors 


who hit him up for a spot of cash the kind of 


courtesy а bastard wouldn't bother to fake. 
Even the paparazzi, bane of the big time, are 
treated with respect: “If snappin’ a picture of 
me puts food on their table, then what the 
fuck: snap away, Jack” 

“In New Orleans, we talked from mid- 
night on through the night. Same on the West 
Coast, where Rourke keeps an apartment 
that’s as close to funky as Beverly Hills zon- 
ing ordinances probably allow. The walls are 
plastered with photographs of box: most 
autographed. lending the place a kind of 
manly, clubhouse feel, like the back room of a 
barbershop. The shades are drawn tight 
enough so that, inside, three in the morning 
shows up looking a lot like three in the afier- 
noon. The place feels more like a hide-out 
than like a home, which is the way Их owner 
likes il. `I got a house; he says, ‘nobody lives 
in." This is where he prefers to hang out, 

“From the slice I sampled, Rourke lives his 
life in extremis. Sleep and solitude are his 
enemies, He staves off both with a vigilance 
that might damage a lesser camper. Ч hate to 


go to sleep; T always feel like Fm missing 
something,’ Rourke explains when asked. 
Sleep deprivation is his brand of high: ‘I can 
go for two or three days on a cat nap. When 1 
get really zoned is when I get my ideas, when 
I like to do my writing...” 

“Keeping Mickey company is a devoted 
batch of fellows, much of whose life is spent 
hanging out with the Man. Entourage is 100 
arrogant a word for this crowd. In Michey's 
case, whether they're on the payroll, like 
assistants Billy and Bruce, or just on the 
¢, like biker Chuck Zito and the ever- 
и Lenny Termo, these guys seem con- 
nected in a way that leaves mere buddies 
behind and approaches the Knights of the 
Round Table. 

“Whatever happens to be going on in the 
romance department—and Rourke is noth- 
ing if not discreet—the love you hear Mickey 
speak about again and again is for his pals, 
in particular for Termo, ‘my best friend." 
Lenny is a 50-year-old garment exec turned 
actor, a soulful New Yorker who, through 
sume happy genetic glitch, seems sired by the 
secret coupling of Sal Mineo and Zero 
Mostel. He and Mickey have been together 
on an almost daily basis for years. And to 


“What do I do? Have 
I ever shot a producer? 
What the fuck have I 
done to get a 
bad-boy image?” 


understand Rourke off screen, you have to 
understand his relationship with Termo. 

“If they told me they'd chuck а few years 
off my life, but I knew when I went, Lenny 
would go with me, Pd do it in a second,’ 
Rourke says with conviction. Termo is equally 
vocal in his devotion. "This, he'll declare sol- 
етшу of his soul mate, ‘is a great, great 
man. Lenny knew Rourke when he had 
nothing, and Lenny, as Michey loves point- 
ing ош, has nothing nav. 

“Although Rourke is not known as a comic 
actor, he and his pal seem like a nonstop exis- 
tential comedy team, laughing or wailing or 
propping each other up in the mobile bunker 
they've created to survive in Hollywood. Life 
in the Rourke trailer is such that in one type 
cal interview session, first Lenny rolls in— 
summoned, after 20 minutes, by a call from 
Mickey: 1 need you, man" —followed by 
Chuck, an affable Hells Angel flashing loud 
jewelry, followed by another friendly Angel 
and a couple of nice girls, all of whom 
appear and disappear into the back room, out 
the door or in and out of the kitchen for 
snacks as the night wears on. 

“AL one point, in what I took as the ulti- 
mate gesture of acceptance, Mickey asked 
Lenny to take his teeth out for me. Showing 
gums, Lenny bore the brunt of Rourke's tor. 
ment with as much dignity as possible under 


the circumstances. ‘Look at him,” Mickey 
cackled, ‘look at that face! And this man still 
tries to pick up 17-year-old waitresses!” 

“Eventually, between Chuck's demonstrat- 
ing kick-boxing technique and Lennys ex- 
tracting his uppers, things got a little, well, 
loud. When the lady downstairs called up to 
complain, Mickey handled the call. ‘I'm 
really sorry, he told her in his most velvety- 
smooth voice. "This is the last night, abso- 
lutely. It won't happen again. ... Talk 
about convincing! Forget the toughness, for- 
get the money, forget everything—this man 
can act, Jack. Just ask the lady who lives 
underneath him.” 


PLAYBOY: How did you get such a bad-boy 
image? 

ROURKE: I don’t have a bad-boy image. 
What do you mean I have a bad-boy 
image? What the fuck does that mean? 
PLAYBOY: You have a reputation. 

ROURKE: Wait a minute. Have I ever 
slugged a photographer? Have I ever spat 
on a journalist? Have I ever walked off a 
movie set? 
PLAYBOY: Well. 
ROURKE: No, wait. Have I ever put my 
hands on another actor? What do I do? 
Have I ever shot a producer? What the 
fuck have I done to get a bad-boy image? 
PLAYBOY: You tell us. Why do vou think 
this myth has sprung up around you? 
ROURKE: It's just words. I don't do what cer- 
tain actors do to create a bad-boy image. 
PLAYBOY: Meaning what? 

ROURKE: That I haven't cultivated it like 
some actors, ones who want to have that 
reputation or think it's fashionable be- 
causc thcy can't act. 

PLAYBOY: There's a lot of that going 
around. 

ROURKE: Right. There are a lot of actors 
who like to pretend. They're trying to 
project some kind of tough-guy image, but 
anyone can see through it. I mean, if you 
nt to be bad, go to jail. Don't be bad in 
a Hollywood restaurant, with a bunch of 
wimpy reporters. Punching a photog- 
rapher—what's that? If you want to be 
bad, motherfucker, go to jail and try it 
There's plenty of guys in there who'll kick 
your ass for a nickel and won't give a shi 
It’s all so fucking phony. 

PLAYBOY: You're talking about Sean Pe 
What do you think when an actor like 
him, who grew up well off, tries to come off 
as if he’s straight from the street? 

ROURKE: It’s a joke. But people cat it up 
out here. I's, like, everybody asks me 
about my days on the street, but I’m try- 
ing to get away from that. I don’t like to 
glorify it. The people who try to present 
that kind of image in Hollywood or New 
York, they don't really know what it's like 
to live in a flea-bag hotel and live on candy 
bars or a bag of potatoes for months on 
end, then go to work on 42nd Street in a 
massage parlor and have to hassle with the 
fucking pimps and the drunken cowboy: 
In the movies, that’s all fine and dand 
but s a fucking drag, man 


talking about, right? 
ROURKE: Yeah, I can't take away where I 
came from. I didn't choose to be there, but 
1 also know thi 
project as an actor that I couldn't if I 
hadn't lived the way 1 did then. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about that. You lived a 
tough life in Miami belore going to New 
York. How did you feel when you arrived? 
ROURKE: I was terrificd, man. Petrified. I 
thought the fucking zombies were going to 
come through the windows any minute 
The boys Т had hung out with in Miami 
gave me a club to take with me to New 
York. They said, “Where you're going, 
you're gonna need this, man." It was 1 
1 was going to hell. They made me this 
club as a going-away present. 1 carried it 
around for. like, four year 
PLAYBOY: You walked around New York 
City with a club? 

ROURKE: No, no, I kept it in the room, but 
I slept with the fucking thing under my 
pillow. I used to work parking cars and 
keep the shack on the lot. I think I left 
it there when I got fired. One day, the guy 
n the place came up to me and said, 
г, you crashed $40,000 worth of 
year. You're getting kind of 
expensive.” I just couldn't back "em in. 
PLAYBOY: Why did you go to New York in 
the first place? 

ROURKE: | knew time was running out. 1 
was living in a motel down in Miami 
called the Wild West. Me and five guys. 
And. uh, a couple of things went down 
bad. I can't really be too specific, but you 
can only get by with the kind of shit | was 
i g- The whole young macho 
g, having big balls. A lot of 
people from back then are gone now. 
O.D.ed, dropped dead, shot... . You can't 
survive that way in this day and age. And 
I knew that. I was 19. I didn't want to be 
a professional bad-ass. 

PLAYBOY: Where did acting come in? It 
doesn't sound as though you and the boys 
at the Wild West spent a lot of time kick- 
ing around Tartuffe. 

ROURKE: All through junior high and high 
school, I had a job as а pool boy at the 
hotels. I used to get up before school and 
lay out hundreds of mats in these different 
hotels. And there was a guy I worked 
with, a guy who'd been in classes with me, 
who called me up around this time and 
said he was doing this play at one of the 
colleges, I forget which, and he needed 
somebody. So I went down there and did 
this Genet thing with him, a showcase, 
about a black guy and a white guy on 
death row. I really liked it. I don't think I 
was v good, you know, in that first 
thing. But it was like, “Hey, this is a great 
feeling. Whatever this is, this is neat.” It 
seemed kind of special. And, you know, 1 
didn’t know who Marlon Brando was, 


es a certain clement I 


so le 
trip. Fight 


James Dean, Montgomery Clift, any of 
those guys. All I knew was Steve 
McQueen, Charles Bronson, Clint 


Eastwood. | knew cowboys and that shit. 
John Wayne. I didn't know who serious 


only one I knew was Ter 
PLAYBOY: Why Terence 
ROURKE: Because 1 was an usher in a thea- 
ter and 1 watched Far from the Madding 
Crowd about 79 times. I never saw the 
ending until two years ago. I got in a fight 
with another usher, who conked me over 
the head with a flashlight, and I got fired. 
PLAYBOY: How did your Wild West pals 
react when you started acting? 

ROURKE: Well, there was onc guy I knew 
who looked like Tony Curtis, a very darkly 
handsome guy. He got high a lot, so we 
used to call him Stoney Curtis. Anyway, 
we were lying out at one of the old 
hotels—the Oceanside, I think it was; one 
of those hotels on the beach—and we were 
talking about thievery, right? The usual 
thing. [Laughs] He was just out of jail and 
we were talking about some things we 
were maybe gonna do. But then I said, 
“No, man, Im gonna be an actor. Pm 
gonna go to New York.” 

“Hey, don’t do that,” he says, “stay 
here. Make a decent living stealing.” 
Man, this was serious talk! 

PLAYBOY: A little vocational guidance? 
ROURKE: Yeah. “You ain’t gonna make it,” 
he says, "cause he was honest. “You're not 
a bad-lookin' guy, but the guys out 
there that are, like, great-lookin’, and they 
can't get a job. Hey,” he says, “Z might 
not even get a job.” The guys I hung 
around with, see. were either younger 
than me or a lot older. The guys my age 
bored the shit out of me. Like, all of a 
sudden they were getting nervous about 
“life,” you know what I mean? Like, now 
they had to get serious. You know, we were 
all gonna go places, do things, but they all 
fucking copped out; they all chicken- 
shitted out. So 1 latched on to an older 
group of dudes, who knew what the fuck it 
was all about, or else a real younger 
group, who were still, like, excited about 
that shit. And it was the younger group 
that I kept having to prove myself to. 
PLAYBOY: So going to New York was 
ROURKE: Like doing time, man. I was 
gonna do five vears. [ promised myself I 
was gonna try that acting stuff. 

PLAYBOY: You didn't really know what you 
were getting into? 

ROURKE: I didn't know anything. I was in 
good shape when | went. Physically 
strong. I had just stopped boxing, so 1 
could take care of myself. But that was, 
like, the only thing 1 knew, that macho 
thing. And it didn’t do you no good in 
I was totally uneducated 


about New York. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

ROURKE: Like, everybody told me before I 
left, “Whatever you do, don’t trust any 
black cabdrivers.” They said, “Don’t get 
in a cab with a black driver, "cause he's 
gonna rip you off!” So I get off a plane in 
New York and all these regular, innocent- 
looking black guys are coming up to me: 
“Hey, you need a cab?” And I’m saying. 
“No, man, I don't need no fuckin” cab!” 


This is how fucking backward I was. 
Standing there and waiting, like, hours for 
a white driver. See what I m Twas a 
fucking yo-yo. 

PLAYBOY: So vou finally got into a cab: 
then where did you go? 

ROURKE: This is very embarrassing, where 
1 told him to go. But I wanted to learn act- 
ing, so I went straight to an acting school, 
because 1 heard that McQueen had gone 
there. And I still had my suitcases, you 
know? I walked in with my suitcases and I 
talked to this man who ran the school. He 
let me watch the class. He s I think 
you should find some place to stay.” I 
said, “Do you know anywhere?” Finally, 
some cabdriver took me to one of those 
transient places, a $35-a-week hotel. 
PLAYBOY: A roach palace? 

ROURKE: Down the hall, a little guy was 
opening the grille, pecking in; you 
couldn't even jerk off in private. It was one 
of those wellare hotels with nut jobs walk- 
ing up and down, you know, fucking 
crazies and killers and guys who were 
truck drivers who thought they were 
women. The first night, there was this 
loud fucking music coming up from some- 
where, man. And I kept hear 
voices and shit from downstai 
the window and sat there on the edge of 
the bed holding my dub, thinking some- 
body fucking crazy from the lobby was 
saing to come up and bust into the room. 
ause at the time, you know, I had left a 
lifestyle where I was a little wary of that 
kind of shit. The slightest sound at the 
door or whatever and I was jumpy. And 
there were a lot of strange sounds at that 
joint, believe me. I put a fucking chair 
next to the door with a can propped right 
on the edge, and another can on the 
dow ledge. Anybody tries to break in, you 
know, I’m gonna hear it. 

PLAYBOY: Somehow, you knew you had to 
go through all this? 

ROURKE: Sure. And ГІІ tell you, I would 
give anything now if | could just go back 
to that time. I dream about it now. I'd 
love to be so in awe of something again. 
It's like the feeling I get when Т go to 
Paris. I love Paris, because I feel lost 
there. I love not knowing. I don't like to 
get used to things. Fm territorial once Pm 
settled in. But the feeling of being lost, to 
me, is also a feeling of freedom. 

PLAYBOY: So you wandered around New 
York, lost. 

ROURKE: Yeah. When I moved to the 
Marlton Hotel, I remember I was walking 
down the street, man, and I saw these 
dudes down on Christopher Street, and 
they were all wearing motorcycle jackets. 
With all the leather, all dressed in black, 
the whole thing. They kept looki 
and I'm thinking, Fuck, man, where can I 
go? What fucking gang is that? None of my 
boys were with me. This wasn't Miami, I 
kept thinking, What the fuck is this guy 
looking at me like that for, man? ‘Cause 
you didn’t eyeball somebody back home 
in Miami unless you wanted to get down, 


PLAYBOY 


46 


you know—unless you were ready to fight. 
What I didn't realize was that they were 
sissies, all dressed up in leather. 

PLAYBOY: When did you find out? 

ROURKE: Hey, this went on for, like, a cou- 
ple of years, man. I just didn't realize, Um 
telling you. I was walking around with 
platform shoes, checkered pants, real long 
hair. "Cause that’s what we wore back 
home. I had no dealings with real hip peo- 
ple, with smart people, for a long time. 
This one time, I remember, I took a 
room—1 shared an apartment with this 
guy—and when I first got there, he swore 
to me, li i 7 j 
ing, “Pm straight, I'm straight!” 
didn't even know what straight meant. 
PLAYBOY: How did that arrangement work? 
ROURKE: Well, it was weird, because he 
had these plants in his house. He filled the 
house with plants. To me, a house smelled 
funny with plants in it. I thought people 
had plants outside. But Vil never forget 
one night I wake up and the guy is stand. 
ing there naked, with an erection, and he’s 
rubbing my leg. And I thought to myself, 
Man, what am I gonna do now? I didn't 
know what he was doing. I didn't know 
why. Finally, it dawned on me this guy 
was, like, a homosexual. And I left. 
PLAYBOY: So there you were, in this jungle 
full of weird people and situations. 
ROURKE: It was funny, in a way. In th 
wintertime, I was really, really lonely. 
And I used to work down by the water, 
moving furniture in this warehouse where 
Lee Marvin, Steve McQueen, Gene Hack- 
man and a bunch of other guys had all 
worked, too. The guy who ran it was an 
old actor or something and used to tell me 
stories about them. Anyway, I used to 
walk home during the night, and I was so 
fucking lonely, you know, Pd pretend I 
had a girlfriend waiting for me in my 
room, waiting to have a cup of coffee with 
me or go to the movies. As I walked home, 
I was still daydreaming. Same way I day- 
dreamed in school. Га say to myself, “Oh, 
now I’m going home; she'll be waiting for 

c." Because | couldn't talk to girls. It's 
casier now. They come runi 
PLAYBOY: Now that you're a sex symbol? 
ROURKE: Right. A real sex symbol. Dm 
telling you, I couldn't go up to a girl the 
if you paid me. I masturbated a lot, you 
know. But I could not get rejected, so I 
could not talk. 1 didn't know how. Any- 
way, that's how I survived—fantasizing. I 
had a redhead one night, I had a blonde 
with big tits the next night. 

Lots of times, Га end up sitting in the 
Western Union office all fucking night, 
with all the other lunatics, waiting for ten 
dollars from my grandmother once a 
month. Other times, I just had bad luck, 
living on a bag of French-fried potatocs. 
You'd buy a bag of potatoes because they 
were so filling. For a while, I was stealing 
Hershey bars out of fucking supermarkets 
because it was a meal. I knew nothing 
about nutrition or anything like that. I 
thought I could live on candy bars for two 


fucking years and Га be all right. When I 
left Miami, I was a big dude. I had a neck 
like a football player. After four years in 
New York, I weighed 140 pounds. I went 
home to see my mother, and she cried. My 
teeth were falling out. 
PLAYBOY: What else were you doing then? 
ROURKE: ig to acting class and work- 
I had a lot of jobs in New York. Mas- 
sage parlors, whorchouse jobs. I was a 
towel boy in one, night manager in 
another. | was a Good Humor man, a 
chestnut-pretzel-cart man, an attack-dog 
agitator. 
PLAYBOY: Wait a minute. Your job was to 
provoke dogs? 
ROURKE: Yeah. I showed up for the job and 
this guy says, “You ever worked with dogs 
before?" So I say, “Sure, yeah, all the 
time. 1 got dogs all over.” Next thing I 
know, the biggest fucking Doberman pin 
scher Гус ever seen in my life comes tear- 
ing out. Now, that’s acting, man: that's 
really fucking acting! 
PLAYBOY: Did you get the job? 
ROURKE: Well. slowly the guy realized I 
didn't know what the fuck I was d 
But he gave me a crack at it and J liked it. 
This guy would fire a gun at the dogs and 
I would walk in wearing this leather glove 
kind of thing. He would give a command 
and the dog would sink his teeth into the 
leather thing. That was one of my favorite 
jobs. We would go all over, to the Village. 
to the rich people on Madison Avenue. I 
liked it, because I'd meet lots of people 
and they'd always look at me like they 
couldn't believe what 1 was doing; they 
couldn’t believe anyone would do that. 
PLAYBOY: It sounds like something out ofa 
Mickey Rourke movie, like the two down- 
and-out guys in Pope of Greenwich Village. 
ROURKE: Like mc and my friend Little 
Zddie: Eddie was this 4'6" Cuban. He was 
nd of puppy-dog-eyed, a lule like a 
Cuban Al Pacino, but hairier. He was the 
only one from Miami I saw after I left. 
When Га been in New York for about a 
year, I was lonely and I asked him to come 
up. He stayed with me at the Marlton. But 
the thing with Eddie, man, Eddic just 
wanted to make a big score. It was just 
like in Pope Eddie was fucking Paul 
Every day he wanted to be Al Capone. He 
new every gangster that ever lived. He 
knew what family they were with. But 
nobody could take him serious, you know, 
because he looked kind of funny, and it 
was hard to get into the s he 
wanted on the level he wanted to get in 
He didn’t want to be no penny-ante gut 
He wanted to be well connected—which 
hard for a 4^6" Cuban with a short- 
man complex. He'd be talking to some- 
body, you know, and all of a sudden he'd 
[snarling], “Yo, man, I don't think you 
really meant what you said!” Real tough. 
And he would say that to anybody, you 
know? Any time, anywhere. 
PLAYBOY: He sounds like a screenwriter's 
dream. 
ROURKE: It was also very funn 


wa 


y when we 


would walk down the street. Pm not that 
tall, maybe 5'11%”. But back then, I had 
t would make me look, 
like, 6'5". Everybody wore platform shoes, 
you know, and I had mine handmade. Vd 
ave up all my fucking money from what- 
ever I was de and have these shoes 
Miami by this Cuban lady we all 
used to go to. They were, like, six-inch 
heels with eight-inch platforms. Black, 
pink, silver, turquoise. Back home, we'd 
all fucking wear them and go up to the 
strip in V ‚ We'd get dressed in tight 
pants, cutoff shirts and these platform 
shoes. We were all wearing those crazy 
g clothes when David Bowie came 
out with Ziggy Stardust 

PLAYBOY: The androgynous look? 

ROURKE: Yeah. and it was wild because 
none of us were androgynous types. We 
were from that shit. But I didn't Kun 
why I was dressed that way back i 
Miami. [ just liked the dudes I was Nn 
ng with because they were loose, man: 
they weren't uptight. We'd get out at 
fucking midnight, then fix ourselves up 
ke a bunch of women, we'd be at the m 
ror blow-drying our hair for a fucking 
hour. We'd all maybe lift weights together 
lor an hour or two. We'd get like a bunch 
of Indians; it was a fucking ritual. During 
we'd go down to 48th Street 
- We used to wear little tiny bathing 
; lay out in the sun, take half a dozen 
als. We were big on downers back 
Everybody would talk in slow 
motion. Everybody would be checking 
themselves out when they spoke. You 
never heard so much lying and bragging. 
Everybody was into being cool, being 
tough, getting down and geting high. 
PLAYBOY: What werc you lying about? 
ROURKE: Lying about everything! “I got 
the best fucking grass in the world!” Or “I 
picked up the most beautiful fucking girl!” 
“I didn't fuck your girliriend”—when 1 
really did, you know. Stuff like that. Back 
then, there was nothing on our minds but 
a good fucking time, a good fucking girl. I 
wasn't worried about my next deal, what 
time I have to be at work in the mo 
It was a very free, very wild time. There 
was a lot of shit going down. Jim Morrison 
was real big around that time, and you'd 
hear his music on the beach. 

It went on night and day. You'd lay out 
on the beach all day long, wiped out of 
your mind. You'd just go and go. When 
you were high like that, the waves were 
special, the way they felt. I mean, it’s 
wrong now. I'm totally antidrugs. 1 had 
my fling, but it wasn’t for that long. 


shoes on me tha 


PLAYBOY: Everybody's been there, doi 
you think? 
ROURKE: Well, like | say, I had my 


moments. And I remember watching my 
friends, a couple of friends who couldn't 
fight very good. They would get stoned 
out on Tuinals or Seconals and they'd be 
wearing their fucking platform shoes and 
they'd be fighting, beating the shit out of 
illed and not 


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PLAYBOY 


feeling it. They'd be fucking laughing 
about it, you know? It was wild. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever go over the edge? 
ROURKE: Never. 1 would always make sure 
I was in a certain amount of control, espe- 
cially where I noticed the people I was 
around were oul of control. It was just . . . 
just an incredible time. All those legends, 
a lot of them aren't around now. A lot of 
them are dead. 

PLAYBOY: Back to Little Eddie, who came 


up from Miami to keep you company in 
the Marlton. We left you two walking 
down the street in the Big Apple. 

ROURKE: Right. The thing is, Га have 


these 


nt platforms on, and Eddie, 
would be walking next to me. 
n his platforms, he still looked 
small. So we'd be walking down the street 
and he would look up and go, “Yo, man, 
how come you're doing this to me, man? 
Why you gotta wear them fucking things, 
Fd say, like, “Eddie, we're out 

man. There's fucking broads 
around, man!” And Eddie would say, 
“Look, man, if you gotta wear them 
fucking things, then step off the curb when 
the girls walk by." That way, see, he 
didn’t look as tiny. 

Because we came from Miami, we were 
really out of it. We didn't even dress for 
the weather. We had blue-jean jackets and 
we were parking cars with these high- 
heeled fucking shoes on, Eddie had it 
especially tough, "cause in Cuba, it’s 
really hot. We'd be freezing our fucking 
balls off in the little wooden shack, and 
Eddie'd go, “What are we dom’, man? I 
thought you knew people!” Pd say, 
“Eddie, wait Give me a little while.” 
He'd go, “Мап, I want to meet some fuck- 
ing people now!” But I was afraid to talk 
to anybody. I didn’t know anybody. Final- 
ly, a couple of nights, me and Eddie went 
to a couple of heavyweight restaurants. 
PLAYBOY: You hung out at restaurants 
because he wanted to break into the Mafia 
and be seen in the right places? 

ROURKE: Well, | don’t want to say that 

Let’s just say he wanted to get hooked up. 
He wanted to make his bones. At that 
time, the acting wasn't going so hot for 
me, and we were so broke we were going to 
gay bars every Wednesday and Thursday 
when they had the food with happy hour. 
"That's how we'd eat. So I was kind of 
going along with Eddie; but in another 
part of me, there was this commitment to 
my mother and my grandmother not to 
wind up like this. I had that always hang- 
ing over my head. And so Eddie and 
IT ve got to watch what I say here—we 
took a few, ah, gigs that we failed misera- 
bly at. Then I decided I didn't want to 
continue in that way of life, and Eddie did. 
I ended up getting a night job as a 
bouncer somewhere, the Cheetah or 
Adam's Apple, and Eddie, I don’t know, I 
think he got into some things and went to 
Frisco for a while. 1 don't know. . . . Little 
Eddie, where are you, man? 

PLAYBOY: Throughout all of this, what kept 
you going? 


ROURKE: What kept me going? I used to 
say to myself, “Well, if I don't make 
man, ГЇЇ go back to Miami." At least Га 
be amongst my own. I always had the 
guys. Then, one day, I fucking got out of 
bed and I thought, Who the fuck am I 
ding? I could never go back to Miami. 1 
left when I needed to leave. There is noth- 
ing there. And I realized, I can't run back 
I can't quit like I quit a couple of other 
things in my life, like 1 quit bos 
PLAYBOY: You wanted to be a b * 
ROURKE: It's all I wanted to do [rom when 
I was 15 to about 18. 

PLAYBOY: Did you have any fights? 
ROURKE: Four. Police Athletic League. 
PLAYBOY: How did you do? 

ROURKE: I won all four. But I have to tell 
you, Гуе sparred hundreds of rounds in 
the past couple of years. I still go to the 
gym and spar. To me, it's a form of phy: 
cal aggression thats very fulfilling, 
because I'm in a profession where I would 
never put my hands on anyone. What 1 
really love is the sport, the science. It’s 
just very frustrating when I have to stop 
training every day and go away for three, 
four months to do a movie. That's when 1 
start smoking, staying up all night, worry- 
ig. hyperventilating and getting coo-coo. 
PLAYBOY: Do you regret leaving the ring? 
ROURKE: Гуе always felt bad about it, 
because I quit for the wrong reasons. 1 
quit for lack of discipline and maybe lack 
of guidance, lack of respect for myself. 
PLAYBOY: Do you feel as if you've failed? 
ROURKE: Yeah, it still bothers me. One of 
my best friends in the world is Ray 
Mancini. I love Raymond. We're like 
brothers. I flew out to his retirement party 
to be with him. I remember, I was there 
among all these boxers and I was think- 
ing, Ah, these fucking guys, they made 
they stuck with it, I quit—I never knew 
how far I could have gone. 1 could have 
gone a long way. But then, I’m sitting 
there with Raymond after everyone leaves 
the party, and he gets real depressed. 1 
say, “What's the matter, Raymond?” And 
he says, “Mickey, I'm confused. 1 don't 
know what I'm going to do with my life. 
Tm trying to do business, but 1 don't 
know. . . .” He had just retired at 24 and 
accomplished what very few could accom- 
h, to be champion of the world. And 
he's sitting there talking to me and I ain't 
got no answers. So I’m thinking, Maybe I 
shouldn't have been so hard on myself for 
giving boxing up. 

PLAYBOY: During this time, you had trou- 
ble with your five stepbrothers, didn't 
you? And your father abandoned you for 
17 years. 

ROURKE: Ycah, I grew up with six brothers 
in the same room. . . . But look, everybody 
has certain things that happen in his 
childhood, and lots of people have hard 
knocks, harder than me. Just because Pm 
an actor and I'm in the public eye, I don’t 
want to overdramatize the fucking things 
that have happened in my life. I dont 
want any sympathy. 


PLAYBOY: But these things had to affect 
you. How did you deal with them? 
ROURKE: There's not much you can do at 
that age. You either click on or you click 
off. And 1 clicked off for years. When 
you're a kid, you wake up in the morning 
or try to go to sleep at night and you say, 
“Why me? Why is this happening to me?" 
Now Гуе got to look at it and, honestly, all 
I can say is | got two legs and two arms 
and a brother who's healthy, a sister, my 
mother is alive. 1 look at it that way now 
But then, it was a nightmare. 
PLAYBOY: But why do some people get out 
of the nightmare while others never do? 
ROURKE: It’s hard to say. I look at my 
brother Joe, who'd been sick for many 
years but who's still around. He got car 
cer when he was a kid and he's still got it, 
but it’s in remission. It was painful to sce 
my brother totally click off. 
PLAYBOY: What form did that take? 
ROURK ambition in life. I always 
wanted to be a big man, but Joe didn't 
Joe's a biker. That's his whole life. He 
fixes them up and he rides every day. I'm 
not the most responsible guy, but when it 
comes to the way I go about my work, I'm 
responsible. Because in the end, even if 
there's a little riffratf here and there, Pm 
going to try my hardest to give what I can, 
because there's a certain amount of pride. 
PLAYBOY: Wherc is that pride from? 
it's instilled in you at a 
very early age. When you have to bend, 
you think, Im going to bend, but I'm not 
going to break. And you channel that as 
you grow older. I used that same—what’s 
the word?— principle when I walked into 
auditions and said, “This motherfucker is 
not going to break me. 
You have to understand: When I had 
my first couple of auditions in New York, 
I'd meet these lightweight assholes, and as 
soon as they started asking me dumb 
questions, Га just look at them. They'd 
say, "What you been doing?” | 
didn't know the game. Pd go, “Ah, 
nothin'," and that would be the end of the 
conversation. I didn't know that you were 
supposed to be charming, to sell yourself. 
And so, after 40 or 50 of those, I realized, 
“Hey, vou got to go in there and get up 
this guy's ass and kiss it.” 
PLAYBOY: You don't seem like a guy who 
has kissed a lot of ass. 
ROURKE: I've kissed just enough to get by, 
you could say. But I had never sold myself 
belore, because I didn't give a fuck. So it 
was hard for me. It took me 78 auditions. 
before 1 finally cot a gig. 
PLAYBOY: What pushed you over the top? 
ROURKE: One day I just woke up and said, 
“Motherfucker, you're not going to get a 
If you don't kiss a certain amount of 
ass, then they win. You gotta go id 
steal that role." It’s black and white 
this fucking business. There ain't no gray 
All the gray is doing soap operas. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think vour life in the 
streets helped you survive life in Holly- 
wood once you made it? 


ROURKE: Well. I can't be threatened by the 
people in this business; Гус already been 
there with the real motherfuckers. I'm not 
going to get upset when some guy with 


bad breath and cream cheese runnin; 
down his chin tells me how he won't give 
this or he wants me to do that. I had a 
certain purity of fecling when I started 
acting, but I'm never going to have that 
again, because the damage is donc. You 
find out it’s all a big, fucking hustle 
In my carly 205, I just couldn't wait to 
get up in the morning and learn my lines 
and work on all my lite Stanislavski 
Method stuff. I had my fucking dreams 
about “One day, опе day, all the shit's 
going to come together and it’s going to be 
great!" 1 really thought that it mattered 
that you did the work. But its a lot of 
bullshit, and if anybody says it isn't, then 
he’s full of shit. 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about the pro- 
fession of acting? 
ROURKE: ГА say you have some moments 
when you think acting is not a very manly 
profession, because the people you have to 
deal with are on such a low level. You have 
to accept circumstances and situations 
that normally you couldn't stand for. 
PLAYBOY: How do you stay sane in the face 
of that? 
ROURKE: I make sure I keep in touch with 
real people, the friends who matter to me. 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't there a bit of controversy 
a little while ago when one of those friends 
made news? 
ROURKE: You're talking about my man 
Chuck Zito, Chuck is a Hell's Angel. He 
and I are very close. He worked for me on 
Year of the Dragon. He got mc to work on 
time, helped me get to bed on time at 
night. But most of all, he was a friend. He 
was hired through the studio, because 1 
had it in my contract at the time that he 
worked for me. 
PLAYBOY: What happened? 
ROURKE: Chuck fell on some hard times. 
‘There was a whole thing that went down 
in New York with the Angels and the D.A 
Chuck went away for over a vear. He was 
up in New York in jail. When he was 
inside, he called me every day and asked 
ow the mavie was going. I love the man 
and I know he loves me. Just because he’s 
a Hell's Angel doesn't mean he’s some 
kind of raving lunatic. The most impor- 
tant fucking thing to me is friendship, and 
kis a friend of mine. I know if | was 
in trouble, he would stand by me. So if 
he's in trouble, Гуе got to stand by him. 
Just because I'm in the public eye, I can't 
run away from that. 
PLAYBOY: But you caught some shit for 
standing by him 
ROURKE: Yeah, | caught some shit. You 
know, my agent and everybody was say- 
ing, "Stay away from those guys. You're 
going to ruin your career," But what 
would they rather Pd be doing? Would 
they rather Pd be living in à. mansion 
above the Beverly Hills Hotel, having 
Hollywood parties, sticking cocaine up. 
my nose and fucking 17-year-old models? 


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PLAYROY 


52 


Promising girls screen tests behind closed 
doors just because I wore a suit and went 
to the right places? Don’t give me that 
shit, man. You want to talk about illegal 
cts, I know a lot of guys in this business 
who are a hell of a lot more corrupt. So, 
you want to talk about guilt by associa 
tion, how about all of them lying, two- 
faced motherfuckers in the business? 
PLAYBOY: For a guy who gets $1,000,000 a 
picture, you have a lot of contempt for the 
movie industry 

ROURKE: Listen, man, I didn’t like my fore- 
man when I was in construction. I didn't 
like the guys around the whorehouse when 
1 worked in the whorehouse. I didn't like 
punching the clock when I had to punch a 
clock. | didn't even like the customers 
when I laid linoleum. I'm a free man, 
Jack: I can do what I want to do when I 
want to do it. I did it when I wasn't get- 
ling paid and I do it now. 

PLAYBOY: For better or worse. though, this 
is the business you're in. 

And I think that to be 
s, you have to be full of 
„at times, I think there's a 
part of me thats full of shit because I am 
involved with this. 

PLAYBOY: How will people in the business 
react to what you're saying here? 

ROURKE: You know, my agent says, 
“Mickey, you can't talk about the indu: 
try like that.” And I say, “Hey. man, they 
don't have to go to bed with me every 
night. When I fucking pull the sheets up 
and close my eyes, I gotta live with my 
decisions and the way I feel, and if I can't 
express that. then it’s too fucking bad.” 
PLAYBOY: Haven't you ever compromised 
in making a movie you didn’t want to? 
ROURKE: No. Body Heat was the movic that 
got things going for me, and even then, I 
took a hard line. The scenes were written 
very well, the way we wanted them. Then 
came Diner. This was a movie, I think, 
that was good for me to make at the time 
A lot of people really like that movie. 
PLAYBOY: Don’t you 
ROURKE: It’s funny. you know: The movie 
did what [director] Barry [Levinson] 
wanted it to do, but at the time, Í had no 
idea what he wanted. I didn't understand 
a lot of those guys in the movie. To me, it 
was make-believe. I would never hang out 
with those kinds of guys. But, then, my 
character really didn't, either. He was on 
his way out, so it was OK. 

PLAYBOY: Then you were an outsider on 
screen and off 

ROURKE: Yeah. I used to talk to [co-star 
Steve] Guttenberg and just crack up. I 
never spent much time with a kid like him. 
To me, he was so square that it made me 
laugh. I liked him. I enjoyed just sitting in 
a room talking to a guy like that 

PLAYBOY: The part in Diner that people 
still talk about is the cock-in-thc-popcorn 
scene. Your date sticks her hand into the 
box and finds a surprisc. Watching you 
explain your way out of that—and make it 
sound convincing—we get the feeling that 


smooth talk comes naturally to you. 
ROURKE: It goes back to the childhood 
If you grow up in harmony, lets 
you don't have to lie. But if you live 
in disharmony, then you have to lic and lic 
good. When I was a young kid, I would 
start talking to friends and Pd make sl 
up that would amaze myself. I couldn't 
tell the truth if you hit me over the fucking 
head with it. Ud be lying and really believ- 
ng it. I noticed a lot of other guys doing it, 
too. When you're so fucked up, confused 
and unhappy, you have to make shit up to 
feel good. | think a certain amount of that 
probably helps me say other people’s lines 
with conviction. That was the difference 
between me and my brother Joe. 1 would 
rather lie than get hit. My brother Joc 
would never lie, no matter what 

PLAYBOY: Did you admire him for that? 
ROURKE: І really did. But not enough to 
tell the truth. I'd do anything to get out of 
punishment; are you kidding? 

PLAYBOY: Much of your next film, Rumble 


When I was a kid, Pd 
make shit up that would 
amaze myself. I couldn't 

tell the truth if you hit 
me over the fucking head 
with it." 


ish, directed by Franci 
volved around the relationship between 
brothers. Your character, the Motorcycle 
Boy, wanted to take care of Matt Dillon, 
his kid brother, but he also knew he 
couldn't stick around to do it. Was there 
some of that going on in your life, as well? 
ROURKE: There was a very close parallel 
with my life, with the whole brother thing. 
At the time Joey was going through his 
first bout with cancer, when he didn't 
know if his time was gonna be up, I wasn't 
watching out for him thc way | should 
have. I was too concerned with learning 
my craft and all that. Joey was actually 
given the last rites twice. So his living, to 
me, is like a gift. 1 guess I’m trying to 
make up for lost time now, because I feel 
responsible. I bought a house he can live 
in, fix his motorcycle up. There was other 
stuff going on during that time, too. 
PLAYBOY: What else? 

ROURKE: During shooting, they came to me 
on the set and told me my father was 
dying. So there was that whole thing going 
on with identity—who was my father? 1 
was just starting to know him, We had just 
started writing. 1 was going to ask him to 
come visit. So Га lost the opportunity 
to start to be buddies with him. It was too 
late. Too late for me and too late for 
Motorcycle Boy, too. It made me feel, you 
know, like there was no reason for me to 
be here anymore, and I used that in the 


film. It was a painful time. Dennis Hop- 
pers father actually died during the mak- 
ing of the movie, and my father died right 
after. Coppola's son died a short time ago. 
I think t of Francis himself was 
Motorcycle Boy. It was a very innovative 
film, Rumble Fish, like nothing before it. It 
was very symbolic and mystical, In 
Europe, when I went over there later, kids 
were still talking about it. Of course, 
nobody in this country went to sce it. 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about that? 
ROURKE: Well, look at Coppola. Francis, 
God bless him, has the biggest balls in the 
world. He doesn’t саге wl nybody 
nks. There may be a part of him that 
vants people to like what he does, Pm 
but he has the guts to hang his balls 
over the fence and do something different. 
So I really learned a lot hanging around 
guys like Coppola and [Michael] Cimino, 
because of all of the shit they get from the 
people who don’t like them, the people 
who are out to get them. Seeing how they 
dealt with that was very important lo me. 
PLAYBOY: War of the Dragon, made with 
Cimino, was attacked viciously by critics. 
How did that affect you, the star? 
ROURKE: I wanted to quit and open up a 
fucking motorcycle shop. 1 just didn't 
want to expose myself to the aggravation 
І was disgusted with what the critics. 
those cowardly motherluckers, did to the 
movie because of Cimino. They tore 
Dragon apart, and instead, they praise 
these safe fucking movies—like most of 
the movies up for the awards that year. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you think they went 
after the film the way they did? 
ROURKE: It’s very obvious. The critics have 
a vendetta against Michael Cimino. If 
they try to deny that, then they're lying 
uckers, There was a certain amount 
of truth that my character, Stanley White, 
portrayed. There's this strong sense of 
truth, this sense of honor, in all of 
Michacl's movies. And this offends a lot 
of those people, because it's something 
they don't have. 
PLAYBOY: You'rc saying their attacks arc 
ultimately personal? 
ROURKE: Of course, You've got the elitist 
critics in New York and Los Angeles that 
the rest of the United States follow. Ever 
nec Heaven's Gate, they've. all hated 
Michael. Why? Because he refused to 
buckle under; he refused to apologize for 
trying to make a great movie. There was a 
lot in Heaven's Gate that was very beauti- 
ful and very real, You saw a depicted 
the way it was. He went olf a little with the 
money, but, hey, he didn’t put a gun to 
their heads and tell them to give it to him. 
He took all the heat afterward. 
PLAYBOY: We gather you don't worry a lot 
about reviews. 
ROURKE: The God's honest truth—and 
I'm not just saying it to say it—they can 
say great things about me and they can 
say shit. I don't recognize them. I did at 
one time. But now, they could call me 
great, brilliant, out of this world, from 


another fucking planet and it would not 
mean a fucking thing to me. I mean, who 
are these people? Where did they come 
from? What did they do? What are their 
credentials? Yet they're in a position to 
inform the public! Even the fucking 
schmuck at PLavBoY, the guy who reviewed 
Year of the Dragon, what rock did he crawl 
out from under? I'd like to put them all in 
a fucking room and have them tell me all 
this shit to my face, [pLavsoy went to 
press too late to review Year of the Dragon; 
Rourke is mistaken.] 

PLAYBOY: Pretty bitter. 

ROURKE: Real bitterness is when you try to 
act for critics, That's the worst. Then you 
might as well just blow your brains out 
and get it over with. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

ROURKE: Because I’ve watched a number 
of actors I’ve admired over the years turn 
so bitter that alter a while, they’d do 
anything. They give in to their insecurities, 
sell out, do projects because they think 
they might be successful, big hits or what- 
ever. They turn into what the power- 
houses in Hollywood want them to turn 
into. And that’s the worst crime of all. If 
at least you're still search- 
1 fucking passionate. 

ng of big hits, is it true you 
were offered Beverly Hills Cop and Top 
Gun and passed on both? 

ROURKE: Top Gun wasn't officially offered. 
They sent me the script, but I just 
couldn't sce myself saying most of those 
lines stuck inside a machine. And with all 
due respect to Beverly Hills Cop, there 
were lots of movies they offered me 
$1,000,000 or more to do, but, hey, I 
didn’t believe in what the message was 
PLAYBOY: But you believed in 9% Weeks? 
ROURKE: At the time, 942 Weeks was the 
first script Га seen in a while that excited 
me. I took the script for the right reasons, 
but I wasn’t in total control 

PLAYBOY: There was a lot of talk about 
your relationship with your leading lady 
in 9% Weeks, Kim Basinger. Just to put 
those rumors to rest, how would you say 
you got along? 

ROURKE: We got along. 

PLAYBOY: That's it? 

ROURKE: Uh-huh. 

PLAYBOY: There were reports of friction 
between you. 

ROURKE: Everybody else needed to create 
that. In fact, we never even spent any time 
together. A lot of that movie was so inti- 
mate physically, emotionally and psycho- 
logically, she and I made the decision not 
to be close off the set. We made a choice 
and we both stuck to it. 

PLAYBOY: Some people thought you two 
actually made love on screen. Did you? 
ROURKE: I kept my pants on the whole 
movie. Watch it closely and you'll see. 
People see what they want to see. 
PLAYBOY: Actually, there were things pco- 
ple didn't get to sce in that movie. A lot of 
sexual scenes between you and Basinger 
supposedly ended up on the cutting-room 
floor. Why? 


ROURKE: What happened was that nobody 
had a lot of beliefin the movie. Everybody 
was very timid about what kind of movie 
it was and upset because it didn't really fit 
into a pattern. It wasn't a teenage movie, 
with all those phony little brats who hang 
out, and it wasn’t that high-tech s-f crap 
and it wasn’t a Steven Spielberg thing. It 
just wasn't a formula picture, so they were 
nervous. I respect [director] Adrian [Lyne], 
but he was commercially successful with 
Flashdance and 1 think he got caught up 
in trying to reproduce that, I wanted 
to go a lot further than the movie went. 
PLAYBOY: What did you want to do? 
ROURKE: I wanted to go all the way with it. 
I wanted to show every fucking emotion 
that was going on with me and Kim. 
PLAYBOY: What would an audience have 
seen in your version? 

ROURKE: There’s a certain moment when 
you make love with 2 woman, a certain 
way you look at each other afterward, cer- 
tain things you say. Little intimacies hap- 
pen: Maybe there's a food that you eat 
after you do it, or a walk you take, or 
maybe you'll read a book together. But 
these certain little things are the reason the 
two of you are together. Even in the act 


“Гое watched actors I've 
admired over the years 
sell out. That's the worst 
crime of all. If you're 
angry, at least you're 
still fucking passionate." 


elf, there's a special thing going on, a 
secret at the heart of it. Pm talking about 
with someone you're obsessed with, that 
you love—not just a shot in the night. 
That's what this movic was about—an 
obsession. There are certain paranoias 
and fantasies, certain delicate, subtle 
things that go on between two people that 
I wanted to delve into and capture. I was 
g personally we could go further 
with these elements—but that wouldn't 
sell as many tickets as me humping Kim 
ona coffee table. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that kind of emo- 
tional detail was just too intense to film? 
ROURKE: No, I think the powers that be 
probably don’t understand it. They've 
probably never had the experience. May- 
be they're too busy up everybody’s ass to 
deal with that in their own lives; I don't 
know. I was just a hired hand. 

PLAYBOY: Looking back, do you regret hav- 
ing made that movie? 

ROURKE: I’m not ashamed І made it, no, 
especially when you look at what else was 
around that year. Maybe one day ГЇЇ 
make the movie that goes as far as I want 
it to go. I know I will. But I don’t want to 
take anything away from Adrian’s effort. 


It’s just that he had his reasons for doing 
9% Weeks and I had mine. There was a lot 
of trouble m ng that movie. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of trouble? 

ROURKE: For one thing, we were working 
with a kind of blue smokc—used for a 
hazy effect—that was getting everyone 
sick. I couldn't get out of bed for two or 
three days and they still wanted me to 
work. Two doctors came over and I had to 
tell them how sick I was. Even the director 
had to go to the hospital one day. So there 
was all this pressure and tension, a lot of 
disharmony and a lot of people pointing 
fingers. On top of that, we had five or six 
producers sitting there on the scı, telling 
the director when to cut. 

PLAYBOY: Between the criti slaying 
Dragon and the producers’ cutting up 9/2 
Weeks, was it tough for you to get up for 
another movie? 

ROURKE: I sat for over a year before I took 
Angel Heart. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you jump back in? 
ROURKE: "Cause I was broke. 

PLAYBOY: That's hard to bclieve. 

ROURKE: Look, six months ago, you had 
more money than I did. 

PLAYBOY: We doubt that 

ROURKE: No? I had $300. Listen, I’ve got 
to take less money to do the kind of movies 
I want to do and still be able to live with 
myself. Since working with Francis on 


Rumble Fish, Гус been heading in the 
direction I want to go; Гта not giving in to 
the 


money to please the masses. "Caus 
end, even if I could be mal 
more on material I don’t like, Pd just 
spend that million, too. I'm never gonna 
be a wealthy man, because I spend my 
money and give it away too quickly. 

PLAYBO а re supposed to be a зой 
touch. Tr 

ROURKE: whatever you want. Some- 
times I get a chunk of money and its hard 
for me to let it sit. 

PLAYBOY: Wherc docs it go? 

ROURKE lt depends. My family, my 
brother. Plus, I got a very, very expensive 
motorcycle habit. You know, some people 
meditate, some people like to chant, some 
people smoke cigars or stand on their 
head—what I do is ride my motorcycle. 1 
can get on the bike and get clearer than 
anywhere elsc. 

PLAYBOY: That still must leave a little 
something in the bank. 

ROURKE: A lot of moncy gocs into my own 
research for the movies I do. You'd be sur- 
prised at what that adds up to. 

PLAYBOY: There's a story about your buy- 
ing $10,000 worth of clothes and a pinkie 
ring to try out for your role in The Pope of 
Greenwich Village. 

ROURKE: 1 also bought $12,000 worth of 
suits for 9% Weeks. But they weren't what 
the director wanted. So now they're hang- 
ing in a closet. 1 sort of fancied the stuff 
when I bought it. 

PLAYBOY: Your movie, A Prayer for the 
Dying, is about a guy trying to stay true to 
himself, isn't it? 

ROURKE: It’s about an IRA man who loses 


PLAYBOY 


54 


the commitment he had for what he’s 
—noı because he doesn't believe in 
use but becausc he takes part in an 
innocent by 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about what's 
going on in Northern Ireland? 
ROURKE: I think the British should get the 
fuck out. Thats the way I feel. It's very 
much like what happened in the civil 
rights movement in this country. If you 
have an Irish Catholic name, it’s like it 
used to be being black in the South. If you 
can’t be Irish and Catholic in Northern 
Ireland, what the fuck are you supposed 
to do? One of the guys I've been talking 
to—I shouldn't mention his name—was 
describing what life over there was like. 
He was in Long Kesh prison when all 
those men, Bobby Sands and the Nine, 
died in the hunger strike, You know the 
kinds of things they were asking for? The 
right to wear their own clothes at all 
times. The right to associate freely with 
prisoners. As the song 
them goes: “ГИ wear no convict's 
uniform nor meekly serve my time, that 
land might brand Ireland's fight 800 
years of crime.” 

PLAYBOY: ЇЇ you were over there, how do 
you think you'd react? 

f I didn't have a family, I could 
and why you'd join the IRA. On 
the other hand, it's very casy for me to sit 
herc in Los Angeles and discuss what the 
IRA is doing over in Northern Ireland, 
because I'm not there. Its a little hypo- 
al even speaking about it, because 
m not there having to lay my life on the 
пе. АП Pm doing is talking about it. 
PLAYBOY: Would you like to be identified 
with the IRA as Sylvester Stallone is with 
Vietnam and vengeance? 

ROURKE: No. I don't want to make a movie 
about a macho fucking guy. I don't want to 
be an Irish Rambo. This will be a film 
about a man who happened to be born in 
2 country where he was an Irishman yet 
not allowed to be Irish. I should thank my 
lucky stars I was born here. Anyway, it's 
another movie that six people will go see 
PLAYBOY: That seems to be your М.О. 
ROURKE: Well, it’s like the other night. 1 
watching the two sweater guys on 
‚the fat guy and the skinny one 
Ebert and Siskel? 

h. I like the guy with the 
h one is he? 

: Ebert. 

Ebert, right. Nice guy, Anyway, I 
was watching the two boys on TV talking 
about the difference between Woody 
Allen's ma and Spielberg's movies. 
And they were saying, well, the difference 
is that Spielberg makes movies for the 
masses and Woody Allen makes movies 
for self, To tell you the truth, I make 
movies for myself, too. Because we're only 
here for a cup of collec, you know. I can- 
not live this one life that I have trying to 
please everybody. I can't make my choices 
on cach film I do based on whether it's 
going to make ten zillion dollars at the box 


office. I really don't give a fuck. 
PLAYBOY: Is there one role you're dying to 
play? One movie you want to make more 
than any other onc? 
ROURKE: Yes —Homeboy. It’s a movie Гус 
been working on for years. 105 a boxing 
movie, but not a gung-ho Rocky type and 
not about a champion, like Raging Bull. 
J's been turned down by the major stu- 
dios, but we've finally found a producer. 
PLAYBOY: What is it about? 
ROURKE: It’s based on a guy who used to 
box in the same gym as I did in Miami. 
He had all the tools; he just had a little 
trouble upstairs. Hc was incarcerated at a 
young age for doing nothing. He shouldn't 
have gotten thc time that he got. After 
that, it was one thing after another. There 
was no guidance in his life. There was no 
love. And if vou don't have a certain 
amount of love, you're going to turn out 
like a piece of shit. I really believe that. 
What happened to him? 
ROURKE: The last I heard, Johnny was in 
bad shape. He's either in prison now or on 
skid row. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you want to play him so 
badly? What docs he mean to you? 
ROURKE: He was my hero. I never said 
more than ten words to the guy. I was 
afraid of him then, or what he represented. 
I was so in awe of the guy, I just couldn't 
talk to him. But at the same time, there 
was some dark fucking thing when 1 
looked at n. When I looked at him, 1 
ng at myself. I knew if I kept 
because I had too many distrac- 
I had such a lack of discipline—1 
would end up just likc him. 
PLAYBOY: It sounds like the film your entire 
life has been leading up to. When do you 
start? 
ROURKE: We're going to start shooting Sep- 
tember 1, 1987. TI take half a year off to 
fight. It’s going to be great. I'll be putting 
in roles for a lot of my buddies. 
PLAYBOY: You write parts for friends? 
ROURKE: All I can. 
PLAYBOY: Why is that? 
ROURKE: That's what it’s all about. 
PLAYBOY: Because you want to give them 
work? Or because you think they'll be best 
for the movie? 
ROURKE: Нсу, most of my friends who 
don’t act are more interesting than half 
the guys getting million-dollar salaries. 
PLAYBOY: That's a kind of success—being 
powerful enough in Hollywood to give 
your pals work. So it’s becn worth it, 
including the sacrifices? 
ROURKE: Success has changed me in one 
way, exposed me to a certain level of 
independence—a kind of selfishness that 
Pm ashamed of. I got ants in my pants. 
But the fact is, when Pm working with 
people I want to, on a project that 1 
respect, I really do love acting. And that's 
all that matters. It's almost as good as 
catching somebody with a good left hook. 
PLAYBOY: Almost? 
ROURKE: That's right, baby. Maybe better. 


HOW 
| 
WORKS 


With traffic radar and Rashid VRSS both trans- 
miting on the same frequency (24150 GHz), 
normal receiver technology can't tell one from 
the other. Even when you scrutinize K band with 
a digital spectrum analyzer, the two signals look 
alike (Figure 1). 

Ме needed a difference, even a subtle one, 
the electronic equivalent of a human fingerprint. 
Magnifying the scale 100 times wes the key 
(Figure 2). The Rashid signal then looks like two 
separate traffic radars spaced slighty apart in 
frequency, each being switched on and off several 
thousand times a second. 


Resisting the easy answer 
Knowing this “fingerprint,” it would have 
been possible—although not easy—to design a 
Rashid-recognizer circuit, and have it disable the 
Ep a nce Loire 


7 опе problem. With this system, you 


wouldn't get a 
warning if radar. 
were ever operal- 
ing in the same 
vicinity as the 
Rashid. Statisti- 
cally this would 
be a rare situation. mm 
But our engineers 
have го imerest in гурде tw полон элаз. 
99 percent solutions. 
When the going gets tough... 

The task then became monumental. We 
couldn't rely on a circuit that would disregard 
two K band signals close together, because they 
might be two radars. We couldn't ignore rapidly 
switched K band signals, because that would di- 
minish protection on pulsed radar (the KR11) and 
"instant-on^ 


A whole new deal 

The correct answer requires some pretty 
amazing “signal processing; to use the engi- 
neering term. The techniques are loo complex 
to go into here, but as an analogy of the so- 
phistication, imagine going to a family reunion 
with 4,3 million attendees, and being able to find 
your brother in about a tenth of a second. 

Easy to say, but so hard to accomplish that 
our AFR (Alternating Frequency Rejection) cir- 
Cuitry couldn't be an add on. И had to be inte- 
grated into the basic detection scheme, which 
means extensive circuitry changes. And more 
paperwork for our patent department. 


— m 
If you own an ESCORT or PASSPORT: The new AFR circuity 


is Incorporated in ESCORTS from number 1,200,000, and 
PASSPORTS from 550,000. If your unitis earlier, readon. 


is now available from the same engineers 
who made #1, +2, and #3 


Bag news for radar detectors. The FCC (Federal 
Communications Commission) has cleared the 
Rashid VRSS for operation on K band. 


What's a Rashid VRSS? 

The Rashid VRSS is a collision warning sys- 
tem using a radar beam to scan the vehicles 
path, much as a blind person uses a cane. It 
may reduce accidents, which is very good news* 


Now for the bad news 

Unfortunately, the Rashid transmits on K 
band, which is one of the two frequencies 
assigned to trafficradar. Rashid speaks a radar 
detector's language, you might say, and it can 
set off detectors over a mile away. 

Faced with this problem, we could hope 
Rashid installations will be few. Or we could in- 
vent a solution. 


Opportunity knocking 

Actually, the choice was easier than it 
sounds, because our engineers arein the habit 
of inventing remarkable solutions. In fact, in the 
history of radar detection, only three advance- 
ments have qualified as genuine breakthroughs, 
and all three came from our engineers. 

Back in 197B, they were firsttoadapt dual 
band superheterodyne technology to the prob- 
lem of traffic radar. The result was ESCORT, 
now legendary for its performance. 

In 1983, when a deluge of cheap imported 
detectors was found to be transmitting on radar 
frequency, our engineers came through again, 
this time with ST/O/P”, a sophisticated circuit 
that could weed out these phony signals before 
they triggered an alarm. 

Then in 1984, using SMDs (Surface 
Mounted Devices), micro-electronics originally 
intended for satellites, these same engineers 
designed the smallest detector ever. The result 
was PASSPORT, renowned for its convenience. 


For more information on Rashid VRSS collision warning 
system, see Popular Science, January 1986. 


They sald It couldn't be done 

Now we're introducing breakthrough num- 
ber four. in their cleverest innovation yet, our 
engineers have found a way to distinguish 
Rashid from all other К band signals. It's the 
electronic equivalent of finding the needle in a 
haystack. The AFR” (Alternating Frequency Re- 
jection) circuit isolates and neutralizes all 
Rashid signals, yet leaves the radar detection 
capability undiminished for your protection. 


No walting for the good stuff 

When testing proved that AFR was 100 

percent effective, we immediately incorporated 

itinto ESCORT and PASSPORT. Our policy is to 

make running changes—not model changes 

whenever a refinement is ready. That way our 
customers always get the latest science. 


RADAR 
Figure 1: А digital spectrum analyzer scanning the entire width 
Of band can't see the difference between radar and Rashid, 


RASHID 


AFR is fully automatic. There are no extra 
switches or lights. Nothing for you to bother 
about. The Rashid problem simply goes away. 

Last year Road & Track called us “the 
Industry leader in detector technology" We in. 
tend to keep earning our accolades. 


We make shopping easy too 

Call us toll free. We'll answer all your ques- 

tions. If you decide to buy, we'll ship the next 

business day at our expense. For $6.00 extra, 

Federal Express will deliver to you within two 
business days of shipment. 


If you're not completely satisfied within 30 
days, return your purchase. We'll refund all your 
money, including return postage, no questions 
asked. 

We specialize in breakthroughs. Can we 
make one for you? 


Order Today 


TOLL FREE... 800-543-1608 
(Phone MF 8-11, Sat 9-5:30, Sun 10-5 EST) 


Lay ES) 
By mail send to address below. All orders 


processed immediately. Prices slightly 
higher for Canadian shipments. 


=> 


PASSPORT 


RADAR CEIVER 


Pocket-Size Radar Protection $295 
(Ohio res. add $16.23 tax) 


ESCORT 


RADAR WARNING RECEIVER 


The Classic of Radar Warning $245 
(Ohio Res. add $13.48 tax) 


Cincinnati Microwave 
Department 60727 

One Microwave Plaza 
Cincinnati, Ohio 45296-0100 


© 1986 Cincinnati Microwave, Inc 


Cincinnati Microwave is committed to constant advancement 
in radar warning technology. Therefore, we are working out a 
plan to offer upgrades for most pre-AFR models (PASSPORTS 


under number 550,000, and ESCORTS from 200,000 through 
1,199,099). For complete details, please send a card with your. 
name and address (no calls, please) to our special facility at 


the following address: AFR Retrofit, PO. Box 498947, Cin- 
innatl, Омо 45249-8947. We will promplly forward a packet 
with comprehensive information on the retrofit program: 


“What went wrong, tragically, is that nothing went 
wrong. The recent embarrassment, the “Len Bias 
thing,’ was nothing more than business as usual.” 


oversees is one of many of its kind. The chil- 

dren he supervises six hours a day are typical 
of thousands across the nation. On a cul-de-sac 
in a quiet middle-class American suburb is the 
neighborhood recreation center over which he 
exercises authority. Today it is overrun, as it is 
six days a week, with citizens yet to achieve vot- 


Iz SCHOOLYARD that Wharton Lee Madkins 


ing age, burning off enough energy to incinerate 
the place. 

In no hurry to impose order upon the chaos all 
around him, Madkins, sitting in his glass-paneled 
office, is politely fielding questions about school 
children and sports. Explaining how in 13 years 
he has coached 500 kids, he is telling a story 
about one of them. 


“When Lenny came here, he was 11 or 12. He 
went to the elementary school. He wanted to play 
football, but he was so tall, there were no pants 
to fit him. We didn't want him playing without 
Kneepads, you see.” 

So Madkins put him in the basketball pro- 
bud The boy played 13 and under at the rec 
center. 


the 
author of 
snowblind 
on the 
substance 
of college 


“We watched him come up, watched him 
hlossom.” 

Lenny was cut from his junior high school 
team but continued to play for Madkins. 

“When he was 15, we took him to a tourna- 
ment in Philadelphia. That's when | knew—we 
all knew.” 

Out of high school, (continued on page 68 ) 


tion of University of Maryland coach Lefty 

Driesell have suddenly sharpened debate on 
just who's accountable for drug abuse on the 
basketball court. To assess the risks—of both 
drugs and drug tests—Washington Post colum- 
nist Thomas Boswell grilled an all-star panel of 
pro and college coaches. 

JIM VALVANO, HEAD BASKETBALL COACH, 
NORTH CAROLINA STATE 

When | was coaching the freshman team at 
Rutgers in 1967, if you'd told me that in 20 years 
the most important issue for a coach would not 
be how to break a zone press but whether or not 


[“ death of Len Bias and the resultant resigna- 


to institute drug testing, I'd have said you were 
nuts. But that's exactly where we are. 

Athletics gets too much ink in the newspa- 
pers, for good or for bad. But hecause of that, we 
can be leaders on the drug problem. We can 
make headline news—on the front page, not just 
in the sports section. We should demand that our 
athletes be students and that they be drug-free. 1 
am in favor of mandatory drug testing. 

What surprises me is the amount of resist- 
ance to drug testing by people who say that it's a 
violation of individual freedoms. We're not talking 
about prayer in school here, we're talking about 
life and death. (continued on page 148 ) 


the cockpit all the time. They giggle and get 

silly and make Р.А. announcements like, “If 
you look out the left side, you'll see a big wing.” 
Then they gobble up the tourist-class desserts 
and collide with Piper Cubs. All the high school 
seniors in America are hooked on crack. They run 
through band practice tearing the uniforms off 
majorettes with their teeth. After school, they 
mug their moms and drive the nation's violent- 
crime rate through the roof. Many U.S. subma- 
rine captains take P.C.P., which is why they so 
often go into murderous frenzies, release Polaris 
missiles and start accidental atomic wars. 


IEEE pilots smoke marijuana in 


This is the impression | get from newspapers, 
magazines and the six-o'clock news. President 
Reagan and his missus must get the same 
impression. They went on television together last 
September, looking worried and a bit peeved. 
“Drugs are menacing our society,” said the Pres- 
ident. "They're threatening our values and un- 
dercutting our institutions. They're killing our 
children." 

"Drugs take away the dream from every 
child's heart and replace it with a nightmare,” 
said the First Lady, and she pointed out that 
"drug criminals are ingenious. They work every 
day to plot a new and better way to steal our 


PLAYBOY 


60 


children’s live: 

But, said the President, people who are 
terrorizing America “will see that they are 
up against the mightiest force for good 
that we know." Then he invoked God, 
country and U.S. war dead and promised 
us all drug-free schools and workplaces. 
Because, you see, there is a solution to the 
American drug catastrophe, and the Presi- 
dent announced it the very next day— 
drug tests. 

On Monday, September 15, 1986, Pres- 
ident Reagan signed an Executive order 
requiring drug tests for all U.S. Govern- 
ment employecs in “sensitive positions.” 
This includes Federal law-enforcement 
officers, Presidential appointees and peo- 
ple who handle classified information, It 
also includes everyone whose job is related 
to national security or public health and 
alety or protection of life and property, 
plus anyone in a position “requiring a 
high degree of trust and confidence.” 
Broadly speaking, it means the janitor at 
the Yosemite National Park comfort sta- 
tion and all the rest of the Federal Gov- 
ernment’s 2,800,000 civilian employces. 
Many state and municipal workers can 
expect to be tested, 100. And more than 33 
percent of the Fortune 300 corporations 
already have employee drug-test pro- 
grams, with more to come. Soon everyone 
will be tested for drugs except Mother 
Teresa (and we can catch her at Customs 
and Immigration). 

What a good idea. Poof! The national 
cancer of drug abuse will disappear faster 
than the family farm. All we have to do is 
whiz in a dish, tinkle in a cup, take a leak 
a test tube and generally piddle our- 
selves dry, and we will never again have 
any accidental ato: wars started by 
narco-crazed sub commanders. 

Of course. we haven't yet had any acci- 
dental atomic wars started by narco- 
zed sub commanders. But never mind; 
lots of other horrible stuff is caused by 
drugs. Drugs are tearing our society apart 
and destroying everything we hold dear. 
Aren't they? If drugs weren't causing 
monstrous and terrifying calamities, there 
wouldn't be all this prate and gabble in 
the media. Would there? I called the Fed- 
eral Aviation Administration's Office of 
Public Affairs and put it to them squarely. 
How m fatal accidents on major air- 
lines have involved drug use by flight 
crews, air-traffic controllers or other 
responsible personnel?” I asked FAA 


one?" 
answer is 


?" | said. 
said Fa 


“Just 
ar, “the 


MAC 
none.” 

E called the FBI and asked for statistics 
from its United States Uniform Crime 
Reports. It tums out that the nation’s 
violent-crime rate is not through the roof. 
There was a slight rise, 3.1 percent, from 
1984 to 1985. But, overall, violent crime 


has dropped 6.4 percent in the past five 
years, the first sustained decrease in recent 
memory. 

Then I called the National Institute on 
Drug Abuse, which had just completed a 
major survey on illegal drugs. “Is drug 
use up?” I asked. 

“It's basically stable,” said Press Ofli- 
cer Lucy Walker with, I think, a hint of 
regret in her voice. According to the fig- 
ures Walker gave me, 22 percent of young 
people aged 18 to 25 use marijuana, down 
from 27 percent in 1982. Cocaine use is up 
from seven percent to eight percent in the 
same period and hallucinogens are hold- 
ing steady at two percent. Among the gen- 
cral population, the trends are about the 
same. If drugs are tearing our society 
apart and destroying everything we hold 
dear, they are taking their time about it. 

Now, nobody wants to be quoted as 
saying that drugs are cute or a swell thing 
to give to babies. Drugs are bad. Anybody 
who's watched 1941 on a video cassette 
knows that. Drugs have caused a lot of 
people to do a lot of stupid things, such as 
hock their kid's Apple И, recite Rod Me- 
Kuen poetry or stab Nancy Spungen. And 
drugs have given several of my friends 
one-way backstage passes to the hereafter. 
But let's get this thing in perspective. An 
estimated 900 people died from cocaine 
overdoses in 1985. Three thousand one 


hundred seventy expired from ga 


And more than 43,000 kicked just tooling 
around on the highway. Drug use is a 
problem. We shouldn't stop worrying 
about the problem. But maybe we should 
start worrying about the solution. 

Drug tests are justifiable in certain cir- 
cumstances. As part of a drug-rchabili- 
tation program, for cxample, they make 
very good sense. And DEA agents should 
take drug tests. People who've been sent to 
guard the henhouse shouldn't develop a 
taste for Kentucky Fried. We, the general 
public, have a right, as helpless cowards, 
to ask that drug tests be given to those 
who hold our lives in their hands. Marine 
Corps drill instructors, IRS auditors and 

. Presidents should all be given drug 
tests if we think they re acting loopy. Most 
IRS auditors do act loopy, and all recent 
Presidents have. 

But the current fad for wide-scale drug 
tests doesn’t have much to do with justifia- 
ble circumstances. Note that the drug-test 
hubbub began with testing professional 
athletes. We don't depend on these guys 
for anything except covering the Super 
Bowl point spread, and there's some ques- 
tion as to whether they do that better with 
or without drugs. Truc, children look up. 
to professional athletes. But children are 
short and look up to cverything. 

Also note that there's one drug no- 
body's saying much about. This is the big 
drug—tonsil polish, idiot oil, vitamin 
. When it comes to getting sideways, 
we are not a buzzed nation. We are nota 


zoned nation. We are Drunk Country. An 
estimated 22,500,000 Americans are alco- 
holics or problem drinkers, me for one. 
Alcoholism costs us around 116 billion 
dollars a year in lost work, medical 
expenses, car wrecks and removal of stub- 
born carpet stains. Booze is responsible 
for something like 95,000 deaths per annum, 
who knows how many dumb marriages. 

There are simple, cheap and accurate 
tests for alcohol usc. However, nearly two 
thirds of American adults drink, and 
that’s a lot of voters. So alcohol testing is 
done sparingly, with probable cause, 
under highly justifiable circumstances— 
usually when you're driving home from a 
toga party. Nobody is trying to make alco- 
hol tests a regular feature of work or 
school, let alone Government employ 
ment, How many Congressmen would 
care to be tested after six PM? A bird can't 
fly on one wing. А cat can't walk on three 
legs. Freshen that up for you, Senator? 

Anyway, no drug, not even a L 
causes the fundamental ills of society. If 
we're looking for the source of our trou- 
bles, we shouldn't test people for drugs; 
we should test them for stupi 
rance, greed and love of power. / 
have such tests, too. But 1.Q. scores are 
kept strictly secret. Releasing LO. scores 
would cause Congress more embarrass- 
ment than a boxcar of Breathalyzers. And 
no onc is ever sent to Daytop Genter 
because he flunked civics. P.E. is substi- 
tuted instead. And if you get a positive 
result on life's tests for greed and power 
lust, you don't lose your job, you get rich 
and elected. 

So it’s much better to test for drugs. 
What the hell; they're illegal, so all we're 
going to catch is criminals, anyway. And 
drugs make a great patsy. Why blame 
crime and poverty on something compli- 
, like schools or the 
Blame them on drus 

Actually, using drugs as a scapegoat 
shows we're making social progress. It's a 
big improvement over “The Jews are poi- 
soning the wells." But the logic is just as 
bad, and this bad logic is probably inescap- 
able. Drugs are just too good a political 
issuc. Drug abuse is one of those home- 
and-mother oratorical points that let poli- 
ians bray without fear of offending any 
powerful lobbying groups, unless they're 
for president of Bolivia. Nobody 
except Timothy Leary and me about four 
in the morning is going to say a word ii 
defense of illegal drugs. 

And drug tests are an ideal way to usc 
the drug issue. Widespread drug tests 
make it look as if our national leaders are 
“doing something about the problem." 
The urge to be doing something about the 
problem is a fundamental American urge 
and, by and large, a good one. But, in our 
love for problem solving, we sometimes 
lorget to ask what the problem is or even 

(continued on page 147) 


“This is only a test. If this were a real emergency, you would be eaten." 


61 


itten. 
There's an evocative 
name. It suggests what 
every guy who has seen 
her More Lights 100s cig- 
arette ads would like to 
be by her. But for Bitten 
Knudsen, who left the 
cold comfort of Forslev, 
Denmark, for the hot 
lights of supermodeldom, 
the name suggests ambi- 
tion, though it can be 
more nearly translated as 
“little one.” Bitten by the 


modeling bug, she rose 
to the top of that field and 
set her sights on Holly- 
wood. “So far, Ive had 
teeny parts, like the 
gangsters girl in Holly- 
wood Vice Squad. | was 
in a movie with Tina 
Turner, but both of us 
got cut,” she says. Bad 
move, Hollywood. The 
cutting-room floor is no 
place for legs like Tina's 
or eyes like thes Im 
not worried, though.” 


your face is on 
billboards, but 
your heart is on 
the beach— 
that's what it's like 


BEING 
BITTEN 


= ын, wa 
GET READY FOR "P PA 


Bitten's cigarette ads 
made her number one 
with a bullet on bill- 
boards; her off days 
make her number one 
on the beach. This 
supermodel also surfs, 
windsurfs, sails and 
takes pictures. “I've 
just finished my first 
job as a photographer, 
shooting a windsurfing 
n in Hawaii.” 


Warring: The Sugeon General Has Determined f 
That Cigarette Smoking Б Dangerous to our Heat. УЯ 


MORE LIGHTS 1003; 


019? 
Эш the excitement! 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PHILLIP DIXON 


real 
international girl, Bitten 
started modeling in her 
native Denmark—as the 
girl in a wholesome milk 
campaign—then moved 
on to Hamburg, Milan 
and New York. The Big 
Apple fell for her. Soon 
her bedroom eyes were 
luring consumers to 
Clairol, Revion and Black 
Velvet. She spent months 
on the cover of Glamour 
and three years as the 
sumptuous More girl. “I 
always tried to add a little 
extra to my pictures, to 
get into the character, to 
play a personality other 
than my own. What would 
you call that—Method 
modeling? On a job, they 
style my hair and put 
make-up on me—that's 
not the me who goes out 
surfing." The Bitten who 
surfs would just as soon 
get comfortable and wor- 
ship the sun as dress up 
and sell sophisticated 
cigarettes, but knows that 
a Scandinavian design 
like hers would be a terri- 
ble thing to waste. 


Bitten's a Norse beauty 
with a love for the trop- 
ics. “I spent my time in 
theislands traveling 
with a man I'll call ‘the 
Napoleon of Hawaii,’ a 
good, good friend. We 
sailed a catamaran to 
Kauai and waited out a 
storm in a sheltered 
harbor. Still, there were 
35-foot waves. Scary. 
But! love Hawaii.” 


Method model, surfer, 
actress, sailor and pho- 
tographer, Bitten is a 
girl who knows how to 
relax. Her face may be 
out selling sophisti- 
cated stuff, but her 
body lies over by the 
ocean, waiting for 
somebody to yell, 
“Surf's up!” 


PLAYBOY 


COCAINE (continued from page 57) 


“Whether you win or lose is determined less by how 


well you play than by who your pharmacist is. 


ээ» 


the young man was recruited by the state 
university. As a sophomore, he started to 
play. 


“He never got so big he wouldn't come 
back here.” 

Both as a high school player and as a 
starter in college, Lenny came around to 
help out with the younger boys 

“Sometimes he came in just to talk.” 
you ever talk to him about his 


grades?” 

Madkins answers with a shake of his 
head. 

“We overlooked that,” he admits, add- 
ing forthrightly, “we should have talked to 
him about his grades, but we never did.” 

Not many others did, either. 

When Len Bias signed with the Boston 
Celtics out of the University of Maryland, 
he was flunking or had withdrawn from 
his entire course load. 

“Lenny was a kid who couldn’t say no. 
He trusted everybody; he figured every- 
body was his friend. He didn't know any- 
body was his enemy. That's what got him 
into trouble. 

The trouble Madkins is talking about is 
n Bias’ disastrously brief flirtation with 
cocaine. The trust is that which he placed 
in the person who offered him the drug 
that killed him 

What Madkins may just as well be talk- 
ng about, however, is the trust Bias 
placed in the University of Maryland, the 
state institution that failed to educate him, 
that faith that the young man invested so 
effortlessly in professional sports, the 
rewards of which, as pursued in this coun- 
try, can be as quick to turn around on you 
as any reward cocaine has to offer. 

“We finally got a superstar in our neigh- 
borhood," Madkins will tell you. 

What happened alter that is tragi 
simple 

“He just got away [rom us.” 

. 

According to estimates by the United 
States Drug Enforcement Administration, 
the American public snorted, smoked, 
injected and otherwise consumed 100 met- 
ric tons of street-grade cocaine in 1985 

Notall of the users were athletes. There 
is no evidence to suggest that the 
dence of cocaine use among athletes is 
higher than among the general popula- 
tion. [t may very well be lower. All one 
can say is that cocaine consumption is so 
widespread today that even athletes, of all 
people, are using it. 

4 the count estimated 
3,000,000 to 6,000,000 cocaine consumers. 
and the amount they are apparently con- 


suming, and given the fact that reported 
cocaine-related deaths still number only 
in the hundreds each year, the drug's le- 
thality is by every measure overregarded. 

"The saddling of cocaine with properties 
it does not possess is the contribution of a 
small but vocal group of selFinterested 
people, the more vociferous of whom fall 
into two general categories: those whose 
livelihoods depend on the drug’s contin- 
ued visibility and those who are looking, 
for one reason or another, to deflect 
responsibility for the drug problem away 
from themselves. 

Into the first group fall the Federally 
funded academics and physicians whose 
research money cbbs and flows on shifting 
political tides. Among the more ambitious: 
privately funded pitchmen are the phys 
cians who own the various cocaine hot- 
lines around the country that are designed 
to operate principally as referral services 
to clinics run for profit. As self-styled 
experts on cocaine—a staple in the phar- 
macopocia of civilization for no less than 
1000 years—they hustle the drug as 
though its mysteries were elusive to keep 
the money flowing in their direction. 

Among those who fall into the second 
group, the ones for whom cocaine pro- 
vides a very convenient dodge, is Nation- 
al Football League commissioner Pete 
Rozelle. 

“Professional athletes are an ideal tar- 
get for drug use,” he asserts. “They fall 
within the susceptible age group, 20 to 35. 
They receive inordinate salaries. They 
have free time due to the short length of 
the professional sports seasons.” 

Rozelle is correct: The average }1- 
salary-and-beneñts package їп 1986 was 
$266,000. With the rise of free agency in 
1976, the annual compensation of major- 
league-baseball players went from a 1975 
average of about $45,000 to the current 
$430,000. Very suddenly achieving the 
economic status of plastic surgeons, 
arbitragers and a handful of lead-guitar 
players, many young athletes became can- 
lates for cocaine use overnight. 

What the accuracy of Rozelle's asser- 
tion obscures, however, is the extent of his 
own culpability and that of the N.F.L.. 

Dr. Harry Edwards, a sports sociologist 
at the University of California at Berkeley 
and an organizer of the black protest at 
the Mexico City summer Olympics 
1968, says today’s athletic training room is 
all too often a “pharmaceutical haven" 
where “the pill, the capsule, the vial and 
the needle are commonplace.” According 
to Dr. Edwards, there is truth to the axiom 


“Whether you win or lose is determined 
less by how well you play the game than 
by who your pharmacist is 

Can you blame the average athlete for 
not being afraid of cocainc? What is a little 
blow to a guy who has given his entire 
body over to the wrenching physical 
chemistry of drugs that are commonly 
restricted to geriatrics and the acutely 
tated? This the most 
active years of his reproductive life ha 
been force-fed the kind of anabolic ster- 
oids traditionally associated with livestock. 

The rcal drug problem in professional 
sports is one the teams themselves have 
created and passed along to every college 
in the country. 

Even without this bad example in the 
big leagues, college athletes would be 
prime candidates for drug abuse. Elevated 
in the popular imagination to the status of 
nobility and underwritten with a salary to 
match, the successful athlete is sur- 
rounded by people who tamper with his 
ego. At a time when his character is just 
taking shape, he is forced to reconcile hi 
self-image with an image forced upon him 
by others. In college, his development is 
further skewed by his segregation from the 
student body. Taken out of the ma 
stream of college life, an athlete like Le 
Bias is further isolated by the require- 
ments of travel and tournament play. the 
demands of everything from practice time 
to press relations. 

According to Edwards, “The average 
college athlete is so removed from real col- 
lege life that he's not in the mainstream to 
begin with. He’s a player first and a stu- 
dent second, if at all. He's walked at every 
level through the academic bureaucracy. 
The disruption is having to take classes.” 

The pressures of sudden celebrity, com- 
bined with the pressures on him to per- 
form at a professional level in a sport he 
once played for enjoyment, catch the col- 


lege athlete at an age when he is un- 


equipped to deal with them. Add to this 
the current peer pressure relative to drug 
use and you have a casualty waiting to 
happen. 

There was a time when peer pressure on 
athletes was applied from the opposite 
direction—when they were considered an 
enviable and clean-living elite and were 
expected to stay that way. It was a time 
when their friends would have been the 
last to offer them anything the slightest bit 
toxic and the first to punch out anyone 
who did. 

Not only has peer pressure relative to 
drug use changed but in big-time, big- 
money, high-pressure sports, an athlete's 
talent is so prized that those who pay 
him—and many who pay to sec him 
perform—are likely to overlook a constel- 
lation of personal weaknesses. Under the 
pressure to win at any cost, team owners 
and coaches from high school to the pros 

(continued on page 155) 


bmk 


“Gosh, I never thought much about it. Do you believe in reincarnation?” 


qe AN 


AK 


OLD GUARD / AVANT-GARDE 


four famous menswear 
designers—from traditional to trendy— 
put spring into style 


X > 
Y, 
$ 
X 


fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


SPRING may not be in the 
air yet, but here's a sneak 
preview of what will 
soon hit the stores from 
four top designers—Nick 
Hilton, Bill Robinson, Sal 
Cesarani and Victor De 
La Rosa. Hilton and 
Cesarani represent the 
old guard; Robinson and 
De La Rosa, obviously, 
are the avant-garde. 
While each of the men 
has a design approach 
that’s distinctly original, 
all share one common 
fashion  thread—great 
taste. (For a peek at 
what the designers them- 
selves look like, check the 
inset snapshots incorpo- 
rated into each page.) 


With a respect for the past and a faaling for 
tha future, Nick Hilton of Norman Hilton brings what 
he terms “an international sansibility and attitude 
to the classic American-made suit." For spring 1987, 
the company has introduced the updated double- 
braasted wool suit picturad hara, about $650. 


Bill Robinson strives for a lookthat's “classical without 
being conservative. Are my clothes avant-garde? Per- 
haps neoclassical is a better way to describa them.” 
Shown here: A cotton n jacket, $215, a linen 
dress shirt, $95, cotton-poplin slacks, $70, and a silk 
tie, $32 50; plus lizardskin slip-ons, by David & Joan, $400. 


“The challenge to create the right fabrics for each 
Bianculli collection is a constant source of inspira- 
tion,” says Victor De La Rosa, the winner of a 1985 
Cutty Sark menswear award. His spring casualwear, 
above, includes a hand-woven sweater, about $325, a 
cotton shirt, about $65, and cotton shorts, about $45. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DOUGLAS KEEVE 


74 


HE LIGHTS come up and a thin 
curtain covers the screen, but 
the sign behind it telling 
everyone to please visit the 
concession stands in the lobby 
while they’re getting ready for 
the next feature can still be 
seen, and the ripply picture 
on it ofa huge, drippy banana 
split is too much for her rum- 
bling tum, so she decides to go out and see 
what she can find with less than a zillion 
calories in it. Her friend, who's flirting 
with some broken-nosed character a row 
back in a high school letter jacket and 
sweaty cowboy hat, turns and asks her 
jokingly to bring her back a salty dog— 
“Straight up, mind!”—making the guy 
snort and hee haw and push his hands into 
his pockets. 

In the lobby, there’s a line for 
everything—candy, cigarettes, popcorn, 
even the water fountain. The soft-drinks 
line is the shortest, so she gets in it, though 
the smells of mint, chocolate and hot but- 
ter are driving her crazy. She squeezes her 
belly bag to calm it down and, at almost 
the same moment, some creep behind her, 
as though to say, “And that ain’t all, kid,” 
grabs a fistful of what her girlfriend calls 
her holey altar—“You just kneel down 
and kiss it, honey!” she likes to say— 
numb from so much sitting, but 
not so numb she doesn’t go lurching into 
the smart-alecky young school kids in 
front of her, setting off a lot of sniggering 
insults, mostly about her bosom, which is 
among more adult audiences usually her 
best feature. 

She turns to scowl at the masher behind 
her, but there’s no one there. Instead, 
over by a movie poster advertising a sexy 
religious epic, (continued on page 122) 


INTERMISSION 


FICTION 


By ROBERT GOOVER 


HEY, JUST 
WHAT KIND OF 


CRAZY MOVIE 
IS THIS 
ANYWAY? 


MAFIA 


ow that 

her gangster dad 

is off her case at last, 
antoinette giancana is 


finally enjoying herself 


HE TOUGH TIMES arc finally over for Antoinette Giancana, daughter of Chicago Antoinette Gioncona says if she'd 
Mob boss Sam Giancana. And it hasn't been easy from the very beginning, as posed for puvsov while her fother, 
she'll be the first to tell you. Family life just isn't all that much fun when your father Mobster Sam Giancona, was living, 


is someone Time magazine summarized as “cruelly violent,” with “the face of a gar- "Hugh Hefner wouldn't be alive 
goyle and the disposition of a viper.” That description appeared in June 1975, the week today.” Portroits of father and 

after Giancana was found in his Oak Park home, shot in the face and neck with seven slugs — doughter, clockwise from left: Som 

from a .22 pistol. At the time, he had been implicated in a conspiracy between the CIA and the and Antoinette on her 14th 
Mafia to assassinate Fidel Castro and had recently been questioned by a Federal grand jury prob- birthday; boby Antoinette; at the 
ing Mob activities in Chicago. In the усаг after his death, Antoinette, the oldest of Giancana's age of six, with Sam on vacation 
three daughters, hit rock bottom, and she'd been headed down for a long time. She'd already in Wisconsin; Sam in 1959. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR 


7 


Snapshats from an album: 
Antoinette began madeling 
at 16 (with a little help fram 
family connections). Clack- 
wise fram right: Sam on a. 
diving baard in the late 
Twenties; Antainette in o 
photo fram her modeling 
campasite at 18; her wed- 
ding phato after her first 
marriage in 1959; backstage 
with singer Tony Martin at 
Chicago's Chez Paree night 
dub in 1957; at 20, already 
developing the famous 
Gioncana store, which, cam- 
ing from her father, wos 
deadly. Center: On vacatian 
in Hawaii shartly after her 
mother’s death in 1954. 


divorced her husband, lost custody of her 

denounced by Sam, cut out 
of his will and fought a losing battle with 
drugs and alcoh en Sam's old friends 


reduced to living in a cheap room over a 
bar and grill in St. Charles, Illinois, sur- 
ing on hard liquor and hamburge 

ing, she had a 
ating insight: “I realized that all of 
my life, Pd defined myself as Sam's 
daughter but never just as myself, Antoi- 
nette. But now 
power and also all the pain he caused me. 
And the life I'd lived as a Mafia princess 
sudd med like a game to me. And I 
said to myself, ‘OK, the game's over. Now 
I have to find out what I can be on my 
own.” And right then, I started to get 
myself together again.” Part of getting 
herself together was a health-and-fitnes: 
regimen that she’s been working at for 
eight years. It began with her quitting 
drinking and smoking and progressed to a 
nearly meatless diet and a six-day-a-week 
exercise routine that includes an hour 
on Nautilus equipment and an hour of 
aerobic exercise every session. But per- 
haps the most important part of her 
rebirth was getting the big load of 
being Sam Giancana’s daughter off her 
chest in her best-selling autobiography 
(written with Thomas C. Renner), Ma- 
fia Princess: Growing Up in Sam Gian- 
cana's Family, which hit the bookstores 
i 4 and was immediately made into 
a prime-time television movic starring 
san Lucci. (concluded on page 158) 


Antoinette grew to like Phyllis McGuire 
(below), whom Som doted during the lost 
decode of his life. With o book ond o 

movie behind her, today Antoinette (right) is 
“full of confidence, much more content.” 


After moving into her new house in a Chicago suburb, 
Antoinette soothes her aching muscles (“Unpacking 

boxes is so exhausting”) in a hot bubble bath. Her final 
advice to young men who might like to become pro- 
fessional gangsters: “Watch out. It can be very dangerous.” 


FIVE POINTS DOWN 
AND MILLISECONDS T’ GO. 
OH, Q.B., | SURELY 
WOULDN'T THROW T ME 


Fiction By D. KEITH MANO 


HUH-HUT. Hut, hut, hut. 
And release. 
My-ufiif. 

Jammed me right in the wind pod 
again. Little sniveling, needle-dick red- 
neck shit. Shove a cow prod up my pooter, 
he would, And he didn’t buy the fake nei- 
ther, right. 

Here we go again. 

My ribs moan. Got another busted one, 
you bet. And my left thumbnail is clean 
gone. Haven't come off the line once with- 
out misery and pain all day. But Fein’s 
right hand is padded up, too, from where I 
walked on it good before the half. And we 
are both blowed out—oh, the fans ain't 
gettin’ their money's worth now. Not here. 
Not on this side of the field, uh-uh. 

Once more without feelin’, let us shuck 
and jive, as Hightail would say. 

Didn’t eat the inside fake, because Fein 
knows where I’m goin’. Seventeen little 
dits on the clock, they don’t send me 
down-field on a fly. No, sir. Just a dull old 
outer t’ the side line, if I can even get there 
before they sack Knep again. Draw Fein 
cuta the coverage is all Pm here for. A 
weepin’ baby-sit. 

Damn, they got 40-leven teeny nick- 
el backs in here now. Zippin’ by like 
no-see-ums. 1 do not understand this new 
kinda football. Dill is runnin' flat-out 
down the side line by now, with a corner 
and the free hangin' on him. Fresco is 
rotatin’ and settin” a pick for little 
Coleman outa the back. With Reggic on 
an X t flood the zone. Га pitch it € 
Coleman, but Knepper won't forget he 
dropped one deep-sixer already, uh-uh. 
Knep don't forget. He takes it personal. 

And I surely wouldn't throw t me. 

You're tired, Fein. I know, I know. And 
you're pissed at me. Lookit our breaths 
goin' chug, chug, chug together. You 
expected Hightail Homer t' play, not old 
Nelse. But Hightail cut hisself with a 
cocaine spoon, right. And Knep's thrown 
t me twice all day. And you were gonna 
break the Cougar intercept record on us. 
Well, shees, if you'd give me some space 
out here, let me see turf for half a minute, 
maybe we'd get the action, huh. God, 1 
am pitiful (concluded on page 160) 


83 


( 0 


NOT 
ЖЕЛЕ: 
SAME 
OLD 
GRIND 


from your first morning cup to those brews in the 
night, here's all about what's perking 


РЕК] 


hese are the best of times to 
be alive and sipping the black brew. There are more 
options, more varieties, more high-quality coffees in the 
market today than at any other time in history. Consider 
the proliferation of beans from all corners of the coffee- 
growing world: mild, aromatic Hawaiian Kona; winy 
Colombia Medellin; spicy, medium-bodied Guatemalan 
Antigua; rare, complex Yemen Mocha; and fragrant 
Jamaican Blue Mountain, named as the best coffee in our 
January guide The Best. (Note that Jamaican High Moun- 
tain, Mountain Peak and other sound-alikes are not the 
same as Blue Mountain.) 
Tn all, more than 100 types of coffee reach our shores. 
Empire Coffee and Tea, an old-line emporium on Manhat- 
tan’s West Side, displays about 60 burlap sacks of whole-bean 


coffee on its floor. They can be had in any 
choice of roasts, from the lightest to 
ebony-hued espresso; any choice of grinds, 
from coarse to pulverized; and any combi- 
nation of beans. Favored blends are 
mocha-Java, Colombian-Brazilian and 
Empire's house blend—7 ozs. Colombian- 
American, 7 ozs. Tanzanian Peaberry and 
2 ozs. Colombian- Viennese. 

What else is perking in coffeeland? 
Quite a bit, as it happens. Not so long ago, 
the only decaf was instant. Now you can 
brew decaf from either preground or 
whole-bean coffee ground to your taste— 
with the caffeine extracted by a water 
process rather than by chemical solvent. 
One of the newest entries in the coffee 
sweepstakes is flavored coffee. The range 
of flavors encompasses such familiars as 


drink 


cinnamon, almond, orange, cherry and 
vanilla, and such exotic accents as 
amaretto, Irish cream, sambuca, rum- 
chocolate and other hyphenated varia- 
tions on the theme of chocolate. Flavored 
coffees wouldn’t be everyone’s pick for a 
morning cuppa, but they definitely have a 
place. Try one in the evening when you're 
building a romantic atmosphere. 

While these adventures in coffee got 
started in coffee boutiques and specialty- 
food emporiums, most well-stocked super- 
markets now offer a respectable selection 
of regular and decaffeinated beans. More- 
over, the big guns are moving in on the 
action. What may be the most popular 
brand in the U.S., Maxwell House, offers 
supermarket shoppers 16 coffees in a 
rangeofgrinds, (continued on page 139) 


By EMANUEL GREENBERG 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


At home in two states, Julie 
enjoys them both. In Alaska, 


she can cross-country ski over 
Mount McKinleys Ruth 
Amphitheater; back in Mary- 
land, she can walk her neigh- 
bor's old English sheep dogs 
(right) or take a canoe trip 
with her father (far right). 


very now and then, our readers’ suggestions are influential in the selec- 
tion ofa Playmate. When Julie Peterson appeared in our February 1986 
feature Women of Alaska, she struck us as a potential centerfold candi- 
date. Then your letters started coming in, and there seemed to be 
an awful lot of Julie Peterson fans out there. That did it. How could we 
r neighbor is one of the guys who wrote to PLAYBOY asking 

lic again, we know you'll want to call him up and thank him profusely. 


ould meet her, the first thing you'd notice is Julie's voice: d 
undertones like those you want to hear on late-night radio when 
you're all alone. The second thing you'd notice is that she's e 
compact—not just her body but also in the way she moves and tal 
uy what's required to get the job done. J 
what you'd expect froma girl who spent time in a place named Dead Horse on Amer- 
ica’s last vast frontier. But—surprise—Julie grew up in Maryland, not Al 


When we posed Julie with 
this exercise equipment, she 
said, “Be sure to write that 
1 don't look like this when I 
work out at The Fitne: 
Connection in Anchora, 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG / GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR 


right—Julic didn't move to Alaska until she was 17. “My parents 
divorced when 1 was 16,” she explains, “and my mom moved to 
Juneau. After my graduation from high school [Aberdeen High School 
in Aberdeen, Maryland], I moved to Alaska to live with her.” Her 
mother, a dental hygienist, had started a dental clinic in Prudhoe Bay 
for workers on the North Slope oil fields. “Most of them didn’t want to take a day 
off to go to a dentist in Anchorage or Fairbanks, (text concluded on page 142) 


Above left and right, Julie 
revisits the stables near her 


childhood home. A rider 
since the age of four, she 
used to buy, train and sell 
horses to make extra cash. 


now 
‘AMWNUGII SSIW 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: 

most: 249 masr: AA ares A. 

echt: A Ф" — e len, _ 

BIRTH DATE:A-AA-= Ne BIRTHPLACE: assis da gara, MÁ, 
AMBTTIONSI N O a rn حن‎ 900. ds 
Aya Sa - cias vun So ded. - 

mura-ons- o کر یلکد سک‎ seh О АМ 
ECT ENUCNICOMOCG S I 


TURN-OFFS: o ооо тл 
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FAVORITE BOOKS: ч a Deron Qin a. - 


FAVORITE MOVIES mean Na Ма کک‎ ањ Хо МА S, CN SS 


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A 


Women ANN KEN 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


The bank robbers arrived just before closing and 
ordered everyone to disrobe and lic face down 
behind the counter. One nervous employee 
pulled off her clothes and lay face up on the floor. 
"Turn over, Cindy,” whispered the girl lyi 
beside her. “This is a stick-up, not 
party" 


On the eve of the couple's 15th wedding anni- 
versary, the wife was bragging about her still- 
slim figure. “You know, honey,” she said, “I can 
still get into the skirts I had before we were 


?" her husband replied as he scanned 
the sports pages. “I wish to hell I could.” 


When Queen Elizabeth paid an unofficial visit 
to Kentucky to look for studhorses for her sta- 
bles, she and President Reagan went for a morn- 
ing ride together. 

Her Majesty was aboard one of her prized 
stallions when the horse suddenly broke wind. 

"Im so embarrassed!” the queen said 

“Well,” Reagan replied, “по need to be 
embarrassed. I thought your horse did it.” 


Three college roommates—two females and a 
male—began to argue alter dinner about whose 
turn it was to do the dishes. “АП right," one of 
the girls said, “the first one to speak has to do 
them.” 

The trio retired to the living room to watch 
TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, 
came by, the three remained silent. The visitor 
shrugged and led one of the girls into her bed- 
room. 

Forty-five minutes later, the young man 
emerged and approached the second girl. 
Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn 
to her bedroom. 

When he came out, he began to fix himself a 
cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove. 

“Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?” he hol- 
lered from the kitchen 

“Oh, shit!” the male roommate said, jumping 
up. “Pl do the dishes.” 


Two French nuns went to New York for an edu- 
cation conference. Taking a stroll one afternoon, 
they passed one of many hot-dog vendors, They 
decided to try this curious American food. The 
vendor wrapped the hot dogs in paper and the 
nuns sat on a bench to eat them. The first nun 
opened hers, looked at it for a moment, threw it 
into a trash can and asked the sccond nun, 


“Which part of the dog did you get?” 


A pregnant woman and her husband were in an 
automobile accident that left them unconscious 
for three days. When the woman awoke, she 
found the doctor standing by her side and her 
stomach decidedly flat 
“My baby, my baby!” she screamed 
"Don't worry, Mrs. Kraft,” the -physician 
said, soothing her. “You had twins, a boy and a 
girl. They're just fine.” 
Thank heavens,” she sighed. “But I should 
name them.” 
“While you were unconscious, your brother 
Curly named them.” 
“Oh, swell. Curly never finished the fourth 
grade. What did he name them?” 
“He named your little girl Denice. . . 
‘Oh, that’s a lovely name for a little girl 
What did he name the boy?” 
"Denephew." 


While traveling through cannibal country, an 
archacologist came across a cafeteria deep in the 
jungle, A menu posted on the door offered Fried 
Missionary for three dollars, Sautéed Safa 
Guide for five dollars and Baked Stuffed Politi- 
cian for $25, The curious scientist went around 
to the back and asked the cook why the politician 
cost so much more than the other entrees. 

“Did vou ever try cleaning one of those 
things?" he replied. 


А rumor circulating in the intelligence commu- 
nity has it that Colonel Qaddafi walked into his 
headquarters to find this message waiting: 
MICHAEL JACKSON CALLED. HE WANTS HIS JACKET BACK. 


AB Mina 


The two little girls were walking to kindergarten 
when one confided, “Guess what, I found a con- 
traceptive on the patio yesterday.” 

"What's a patio?" her friend asked. 


A man arrived home carly to find his wife in the 
arms of his best friend. To calm the shocked 
husband, the friend suggested they play gin 
rummy. 

“IfI win,” he said, “you have to get a divorce 
so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never 
to see her again. OK?” 

“OK,” agreed the husband. “But how about a 
penny a point to make it interesting?” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Il. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


WINTER scene: There is a 
slight crust of ice on the 
snow, which lies tight 
against the meadow. 
My skis make the sound of a zipper closing as | 
approach the mineral springs at Yellowstone. The 
superheated water throws off plumes of steam. Buffalo 
move, or don't move, as they see fit. Their hides are 
covered with mica chips of snow and ice. They look 
like mint-condition nickels set into blue-velvet air. | look 


around. There are no tourists, no crowds, no cameras. 


Only this memory. 


Winter scene: We ski for an hour, straight into the 


eye of a mountain bowl. A thousand vertical feet of 


blue-edged snow bends are you ready 


around us like a fun- 


house mirror or Zonker's for the 

а в 
tanning aid. | ат si ultimate Ш 
behind Nancy Burke, adventure 


head of Copper Moun- 


РА ү, 
tains cross-country skiing? 


school and runner-up in 


the annual spring bikini 


article by 
contest. Breaking raitisa JAMES В. PETERSEN 


Above, left to right: The Karhu Extreme XCDs are excel- 
lent back-country skis, $219; the Rossignol TRS is per- 
fect on packed runs, $200; the Tua Toute Neige is an 
all-snow Telemark ski, $229; and when outfitted with 
Chouinard Climbing skins, $64, they go up as well as down. 


(1) The secret to Staying warm is layering. The North Face ZOD Jacket 
has a zip-out down vest for heat control, $290. To fight the really big chill, 
don a Guide Jacket, from Patagonia, $190. The red Thermax zip-neck, 
from Wilderness Experience, $25, and the blue-and-red-stripe Snow Wolf 
Perma-Therm zip-neck, $38, wick moisture from the body. Dry is warm. 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY JAMES IMBROGNO 


professional mountaineer 
named Gordon Wiltsie, 


who started the day by 
> 


ling а story about a 


friend who once sawed a 
pair of skis in half with a Swiss army knife in the middle 
of the Himalayas to make two pairs of very short skis 
after an avalanche had claimed his 
panions skis. (The 


avalanche broke 


donis. back.) It 


[LOS „  atmesikeihatine 
reassuring to know a man who has used a Swiss Ne 


knife for something other than slicing cheese. opening 


relic of a mining town called New Boston. The cabin is 


blown apart; logs are thick and strewn about, as 


though a childs 6 = tan- 
р 9^. /l 

trum has destroyed TE J atoy. 

Actually, the slow moye- = ment of 

snow over 100 winters has undone 


the work of man. We stop and unpack lunch—an 
apple, some cheese. We pass the water bottle. A 
black-and-silver camp robber alights on a corner of the 
building, moves to the tips of 
our skis, stuck in the snow, 


then hops across the snow 


to lake bits of bread from the hand 


of our guide. We are having some 
fun. We are having a typical day in the back country. 
It's the latest craze in skiing; it's the oldest craze in ski- 


ing. Back-country skiing (concluded on page 132) 


Back-country skiing is an equipment-intensive sport. (2) For 


shelter, we recommend the Westwind four-season tent. by The 
North Face, $315. (3) The Snow Creek Pack, by Gregory Mountain 
Products, is the Rolls-Royce of internal-frame packs, $270. The 
Ramer ski, $269, is shown with a releasable Telemark binding. 
The Gates Cross Country Glove, $48, features a Gore-Tex outer 
glove, with removable inner glove. (4) Take your own fire, a Bleuet 
stove, $25. (5) The Kelty Altair, lined with Solarsilk and filled with 
54 ounces of Quallofil, $100. The Equalizer self-inflating foam 

mattress, from Basic Designs, $59.95. (6) Everest mirror 

sunglasses, from Carrera, with sunburnproof nose 
guard, $60. A safety strap will keep them on in a fall (who 
falls?). (7) The Ortovox Avalanche Beacon is a dual-frequency 
transceiver that will help friends find you under the snow, $175. 
(8) Gore-Tex is a waterproof, breath- 
able materia! that revolutionized out- 
door aerobic sports. The North 

Face Extreme Jacket, $240, and 

Bib, $177, are much-copied 

classics. The Marmot Alpinist 
Parka, $275, and Bib, $200, add D. 
Zone layers to the Gore-Tex shell. (9) 
‘Synthetic fibers have replaced wool 
sweaters and cotton turtlenecks as 
the middle layer of skiwear. Clockwise 
from upper left: The Synchilla Snap 
T-neck, from Patagonia, brings a 
rip-stop nylon lining to the 
Synchilla exterior for 
ofmovement,$105. JJ vi 
The Marmot Cavalry WE N 
“Peter Habeler” Extremes 
are adjustable ski poles/ 
An optional snow shov- 
el, $40. (11) Choui- 
pole length. They 
also convert to 


touch of bold color to function, $62. 
greater windproof- 

Sweater is made of = 
avalanche probes, from 

nard adjustable probes 

avalanche probes, 


The Glissade Pullover adds a 
ing and freedom 

Polarplus, $78. (10) Leki 
Omni International, $55. 

allow you to change 


$54.20. (12) The 
Asolo Snowpine 
is a sturdy, 
comfortable 
Telemark 
boot, $195. 


103 


first he told us that the U.S. 
banking system would collapse; 
now the author of the panic of ‘89 
steers us clear of the wreckage 


article 


PANIC 


It was the first week of December and 
the weather in Georgetown was chilly. It 
was not, howeve t the first blasts of 
winter air that were causing some of the 
more prominent residents of that elite 
community to shiver when they got out 
of bed that Tuesday morning. In this 
year of 1988 it was also the growing 
mood of apprehension that had begun to 
grip Washington since the first week of 
November. The fear that had been 
mounting during those 30 days was that 
everything would start to unravel— 

oon—and that the United States in 

1989 could find itself dumped into a sit- 
uation where the economy, the dollar, 
the banks, Chrysler and, yes, even IBM 
would all go into a dive, one after the 
other. 


THUS THE first paragraph of my new novel, 
The Panic of '89 

As the story progresses, things go dow 
hill rapidly and culminate in a financial 
panic on January 10, 1989. That's the day 
when everybody decides to get out of 
almost everything at the same time: out of 
stocks, out of bonds, out of commodities, 
out of the banks and, where foreign inv 
tors are concerned, out of the United 
States. It is a financial debacle on a scale 
so vast that October 28, 192 les by 

omparison. 

President Reagan, now in his final days 
in the White House, is faced with the most 
difficult choice of his two terms in off 
simply ride out the financial panic and let 
his successor deal with the consequences 
or to shut down America's entire 
system—its stock exchanges, its comn 
ity exchanges, all of its bai 
chaos develops. 

Fun and games? Or potential reality? 

Until very recently, it would have been 


ILLUSTRATION BY TERRY WIDENER 


PLAYBOY 


hard to find a true believer in such a 
future sequence of events. After all, since 
the latter part of 1982, the American econ- 
omy has been on a roll seldom seen in this 
century. We are in our fifth straight year of 
economic recovery. During that period, 
total employment has risen by almost 
12,000,000 in the United States. Not only 
that but the rate of inflation, instead of 
rising, as it usually does during periods of 
extended prosperity, has fallen dramati- 
cally to the lowest level in more than a 
decade. Even fixed-rate mortgages are 
almost down into single digits; only a few 
years ago, they were more than 15 per- 
cent. So why worry? All signs are still go. 
There is no reason to believe that the good 
times can't go on for another five years. 

Oh, yeah? Then why did the Dow Jones 
industrial average fall 120 points in two 
days this past September? And why did 
Hugh Sidey, Time magazine’s Washington 
contributing editor, write the following 
under the tide “Colliding with Reali- 
ties”? 


There is a feeling in Washington 
that we are gathering at the side of 
the track to watch a gigantic econom- 
ic train wreck one of these days... - - 

A growing number of Government 
experts suggest that if the American 
economy fails now, the consequences 
may be more disastrous than at any 
other time in our history. . . . 

And there are indications from 
inside that some of Reagan’s Cabinet 
have got a whiff of the same fear. 
Labor Secretary William Brock, 
Trade Ambassador Clayton Yeut- 
ter, Commerce Secretary Malcolm 
Baldrige, Treasury Secretary James 
Baker and Secretary of State George 
Shultz now form an informal consor- 
tium alarmed about the ominous 
debt. . . . They have not begun to 
meet as a group, but their views are 
joined. Maybe they have heard the 
trains coming. 


Ominous debt. 

That’s what’s got them worried, and 
with good reason. If you look at what has 
happened to the debt situation in these 
United States during recent years, you 
should probably start worrying, too. 

When Ronald Reagan assumed office, 
our national debt was less than one trillion 
dollars. Today, as a result of year after 
year of 200-billion-dollar budget deficits, 
it is more than two trillion. In just six 
years, our current President has amassed 
more national debt than all of his prede- 
cessors combined, from George Washing- 
ton on. 

We Americans have not exactly been 
shy of amassing debt, cither. The debt 
(home mortgages, installment credit and 
credit cards) of the average American 
household equals 84 percent of its entire 
annual disposable income. Ten years ago, 


it was less than 70 percent. Why this rising 
indebtedness of Americans? Because we 
consume like crazy. We live as though 
there were no tomorrow. Our savings rate 
is the world’s lowest, our consumption 
rate the world’s highest. 

So who's financing all of this deficit 
spending? 

Increasingly, it is foreigners. In 1985, 
for the first time since before World War 
One, the United States became a debtor 
nation. At the rate things are going, by my 
critical year, 1989, we will owe the rest of 
the world between a half and a full trillion 
dollars. Why? Because, as a nation, we 
import 170 billion dollars a year more 
than we export. The difference we 
borrow—principally from the Japanese 
and the western Europeans. We buy 
Toyotas and they take our dollars and buy 
American Treasury bonds or put their 
money on deposit with American banks. 
They export cars; we export U.S. Govern- 
ment debt and bank C.D.s. A real scam, 
when you think of it. After all, while we're 
having fun driving around in their cars, all 
they've received in return are pieces of 
paper with big numbers printed on them. 
How much fun can you really have fon- 
dling T-bills? 

What ifthey catch on one of these days? 
What if they not only stop shipping hun- 
dreds of billions of their savings to the 
United States each year to finance our 
folly but actually start to yank their 
money out? 

But why should they do such a foolish 
thing? Why should this wonderful interna- 
tional-money merry-go-round ever stop? 

Answer: our new friend ominous debt. 
But lm referring not to what we owe the 
Japanese and the Europeans but to whata 
lot of nations south of the border owe us. 
The Third World, led by Brazil, Mexico, 
Argentina and Venezuela, owes us, the 
developed world, a trillion dollars. That's 
$1,000,000,000,000—and rising. The 
U.S., in cooperation with the Interna- 
tional Monetary Fund and others, recent- 
ly put together a new loan of 12 billion 
dollars to Mexico, adding to the 100 bil- 
lion dollars Mexico already owed. Why 
throw so much good money after so much bad? 

Well, here we come to the crux of the 
problem: All this debt is interrelated. Mex- 
ico has to continue to borrow new money 
from the United States to stay alive. 
American banks must continue to lend new 
money to Mexico so that Mexico can con- 
tinue to pay the interest on its old loans. 
Why? So that those same banks can main- 
tain the fiction that the old loans—which, 
in some cases, exceed their entire capital 
and reserves—are still good. America, in 
turn, must continue to borrow from Japan 
and Europe to finance our enormous trade 
deficit. Japan and Europe must continue 
to lend to America if American prosperity 
is to be maintained, a prosperity that has 
been possible only because of the stimulus 


provided by deficit spending on both the 
Governmental and the consumer levels. 
For should American prosperity end, the 
demand for Japanese and European 
goods—the demand for all goods on a 
global scale, from foreign cars to foreign 
bananas to foreign oil—would begin to 
collapse. If that happens, then look out. 

For it is American economic growth that 
supports the entire global interlocking pyra- 
mid of debi. If that growth ends, that glob- 
al financial house of cards could very 
well collapse. It was Reagan himself who, 
in his September speech before the world's 
bankers at the annual conference of the 
World Bank and International Monetary 
Fund in Washington, said, “Growth is the 
key to repaying debt.” What he chose not 
to articulate was what could happen in the 
absence of growth. 

Let me try to do it for him. 

Let’s say it’s December 1988. Let’s also 
say that the American economic recovery, 
now in its 73rd month (meaning that it 
has been the longest such recovery since 
World War Two), has finally run its 
course. What will bring it to an end? The 
exhaustion of consumer spending as a 
driving force in the economy. The end will 
come when the average American family 
has finally bought all the houses and cars 
and boats and schooling for the kids that 
it can afford to finance. Since consumer 
spending provides 75 percent of the drive 
in the American economy, this will signal 
the onset of recession. 

What will now happen to that Ameri- 
can demand for the bananas and bauxite 
and shoes that we get from Brazil and 
Costa Rica and the Philippines? It will 
start to fall off a cliff. Now where will Bra- 
zil and Costa Rica and the Philippines get 
the money to pay the interest on the dol- 
lars (well over 100 billion) they owe us? 
Will we Americans lend it to them, as we 
have provided much of the funding for the 
latest 12-billion-dollar loan to Mexico, a 
loan that has enabled it to continue to 
service its debt, allowing our financial 
institutions to maintain the facade that all 
is well? Hardly; with our own economy in 
a dive and with domestic unemployment 
sharply rising, Americans will never stand 
for another bail-out of our banks when itis 
now the American people who need to be 
bailed out. 

Let’s further hypothesize that at the 
same time, the war between Iran and Iraq 
finally ends due to sheer exhaustion of the 
warring parties. Why? Because by that 
time, as a result of their war of attrition, 
which can find its historical counterpart 
only in the murderous trench warfare оГ 
World War One, there might be only 11 
soldiers remaining on the battlefield—six 
Iranians and five Iraqis, all 12 years old. 

What will now happen to the price of 
oil? Answer: It will be hit by a double 
whammy. The demand for energy will fall 

(continued on page 136) 


LIGHT/E 


ow 
to get maximum mileage 
from frequent-flier programs 


FLIGHT PAY 


PEOPLE USED TO feel sorry for the frequent flier, the man 
who spent his jet-set life trying to catch sleep on a four- 
hour layover in St. Louis. In 1987, that same man is 
probably earning valuable bonus miles for his 
hardship—in fact, he may even have rerouted himself 
specifically to accumulate mileage in his frequent-flier 
program. There are more than 100 airlines in the 
United States, as well as several international carriers, 
that offer such programs. The concept is simple: A fre- 
quent flier earns program miles on the basis of the 
number of actual miles flown on a particular airline. In 
addition, the large carriers are tied in with hotel and 
rental-car chains that offer additional mileage. In 1986, 
more than one billion dollars in frequent-flier awards 
was issued by the airlines. If you don't think that 


31v0/145r13 


modern living 
By JANE COSTELLO and JOHN HOLLAND 


can 
CO 


mex 
ACAPUL! 


you fly often enough to justify enrolling 
yourself in a frequent-flier club, consider 
this: On most major airlines, including 
American, Continental, Delta, Eastern, 
Piedmont, TWA, United and Western, it 
takes only 10,000 miles to win the mini- 
mum award. This ranges [rom a first-class 
upgrade on American to a 25 percent dis- 
count on a round-trip ticket on Piedmont. 

Most major hotel chains are tied in with 
airline programs and offer anywhere from 
500 to 2000 miles per stay, depending on 
the type of room. In addition, Marriott 
and Sheraton have their own frequent- 
guest programs modeled on the frequent- 
flier concept. Hilton and Radisson have 
quickly followed suit. Hotel programs 
offer a chance to earn mileage in both the 
airline program and the frequent-guest 
program. 

Car-rental mileage of 500 to 2000 
frequent-fier miles is readily available 
Hertz belongs to 11 such programs. Avis, 
National, Budget, Thrifty, Dollar and 
Alamo are also partnered with airlines. 
Given the extensive tie-ins with hotels and 
car-rental agencies, program mileage can 
be accumulated on the ground as easily as 
on a flight across the Pacific. 

Tie-ins are not limited to partner air- 
lines, hotels and rental-car agencies. Mile- 
age can be accumulated in a variety of 
ways, many of which involve no travel. 
In 1986, Northwest offered a 500-mile bo- 
nus for ordering a $30-or-more bouquet 
from Florafax, a national florist delivery 
service. Northwest recently offered a 
5000-mile bonus for applying for the 
Citicorp Diners Club card and 500 bonus 
miles for a subscription to Business Week, 
Not to be outdone, the now-subsumed 
Republic Airlines offered 250 bonus miles 
for buying personalized golf balls from 
Austad's and 400 bonus miles for ordering 
the Executive Fisherman’s Kit from 
Daiwa. Currently, Eastern is offering 5000 
bonus miles for signing up and using the 
Eastern Gold MasterCard, and bonus 
miles don’t end there: Earn one bonus 
mile for every dollar charged to the card. 

Midway Airlines wins-the prize for the 
most paradoxical award: one free ticket 
earned without ever having to fly Midway 
Registering for the FlyersFirst program 
earns four credits, and ordering a Citicorp 
Diners Club card through Midway gar- 
ners another credit, for a total of five— 
enough to win a companion ticket for 
travel in the U.S. 

All of the partner hotels, airlines and 
car-rental agencies, many of which switch 
allegiances, make for a very incestuous 
system. There are, however, handsome 
rewards for those willing to follow a few 
simple rules: 

Rule one: Concentrate mileage accumula- 
tion їп one program. If possible, plan to 


AIRLINE MAXIMUM AWARD 


MOST-POPULAR AWARD' 


PLAYBOY’S GUIDE 


ESTIMATED 
TICKET 
VALUE? 


175,000 MILES/2 
"il 1ST-CLASS TICKETS RN MES MR $1300 
S VIRTUALLY WORLD-WIDE ball 
12 WORLDPASS 
2 CERTIFICATES/1 COACH 
SS EP ou TICKET FOR NORTH AND $345 
D WIDE FOR E CENTRAL AMERICA 
© | tem PUE 10,000 MILES/IST-CLASS | vanes 
< r. DOMESTIC UPGRADE 
$ | 150,000 MILES/2 1ST- 35,000 MILES/1 COACH 
SS | CLASS TICKETS TO TICKET TO U.S., CANADA $350 
PACIFIC OR MEXICO 
200,000 MILES/2 1ST-CLASS | 40,000 MILES/1 COACH 
TICKETS TO BUENOS AIRES | TICKET TO NORTH AND $390 
WITH 1ST-CLASS HOTEL AND | CENTRAL AMERICA, 
CAR FOR 1 WEEK CARIBBEAN 
120.000 NILES/6 DOMES- | 20,000-40,000 MILES/1 
Ms MEE DOMESTIC COACH TICKET | $500— 
TICKETS, PLUS 4 1ST- OR 1 COACH TICKET TO $820 
CLASS UPGRADES НЕМЦЕ 
185,000 MILES/2 1ST- 
CLASS AROUND-THE- 50,000 MILES/2 DOMESTIC | $1238 
WORLD TICKETS ON TWA | COACH TICKETS 
AND JAPAN AIR LINES 
175,000 NILES/2 1ST- 
| 10,000 MILES/1ST-CLASS 
CLASS TICKETS T0 THE E. VARIES 
110,000 MILES/2 1ST- 
i 20,000 MILES/BUY 1, GET 
ERES EDU (E 1 FREE OR 50% OFF 1 se 
125,000 MILES/2 AMBAS- 
UA 30,000 MILES/1 COACH 
SAOOR SLASSTWATICKETS | Ticker CONTINENTAL US. | *°*° 
100,000 MILES/6 FREE 
ROUND-TRIP TICKETS ташны $400 
SYSTEM-WIDE 
60 CREDITS/52000 OR 
"UNE "NM 
CITICORP DINERS CLUB CONTINENTAL US. 
ACCOUNT В 


KEY: ' NOST-POPULAR AWARO IS RESULT OF SURVEY OF AIRLINES. 
7 ESTIMATED TICKET VALUE IS DEFINED AS THE 7-DAY-ADVANCE-PURCHASE PRICE OR A COMPARABLE COST. 

2 ONE TRIP INCLUDES ROUND-TRIP AIR FARE OF 2000 MILES, ONE CAR RENTAL ANO ONE HOTEL STAY; 
ENROLLMENT BONUS IS INCLUDED AS PART OF CALCULATION. 


AIRLINES ARE LISTED BEST FIRST AS IN ARTICLE. ALL PLANS ARE SUBIECT TO CHANGE. CHECK WITH AIRLINES FOR RESTRICTIONS ANO MODIFICATIONS. 


TO 


FREQUENT-FLIER PLANS 


AVERAGE NUMBER OF 
TRIPS TO WIN HOTEL TIE-INS* CAR-RENTAL TIE-INS* MAIOR AIRLINE PARTNERS® | 
MOST-POPULAR'? 
т INTERCONTINENTAL, SHERATON, mS Гать ра 
WYNDHAM BRITISH AIRWAYS 
ALL PAN AM MILEAGE 15 CREDITED TO 
AMERICAN'S ADVANTAGE. IN ADDITION, 
10 NONE NONE BONUS CERTIFICATES ARE AWARDED BY 
PAN AM FOR EVERY 20,000 MILES 
FLOWN ON PAN AM 
BRITISH AIRWAYS, SAS, AIR FRANCE, 
3 WESTIN, HILTON, KEMPINSKI HERTZ ALITALIA, SWISSAIR, LUFTHANSA, 
CATHAY PACIFIC 
EROT REE CENTIINTERNATIONAN NATIONAL, THRIFTY, | EASTERN, N.Y. AIR, AIR FRANCE, 


9 SOUTHERN PACIFIC HOTEL CORP., OMNI 
INTERNATIONAL, DOUBLETREE (COMPRI) 


EUROPCAR, TILOEN 


VIRGIN ATLANTIC, SABENA 


MARRIOTT 


9 MARRIOTT, 
PLAZA (BUENOS AIRES) 


RADISSON, WYNDHAM, 


MANDARIN ORIENTAL, RADISSON, 


HERTZ, GENERAL, 
NATIONAL, DOLLAR, 
EUROPCAR, TILDEN 


NATIONAL, THRIFTY 


Liss 


U.S. HILTON, MARRIOTT 


HERTZ 


CONTINENTAL, TWA, AER LINGUS, 
BRITISH CALEDONIAN, CANADIAN 
PACIFIC AIR, SAS, CAYMAN 


AIRWAYS, PEOPLE, N.Y. AIR 


PACIFIC SOUTHWEST AIR 
کے ا‎ | 


EASTERN, JAPAN AIR LINES, PIEDMONT, 
PACIFIC SOUTHWEST AIR 


MARRIOTT, 
TRUSTHOUSE FORTE 


PREFERRED, 


HERTZ, NATIONAL, ALAMO 


STOUFFER, 
DOUBLETREE, RADISSON, COLONY 
RESORTS 


VILLAGE RESORTS, 


AIR CANADA, WESTERN, JAPAN 
AIR LINES, AIR NEW ZEALAND, 
LUFTHANSA, SWISSAIR 


HERTZ, BUDGET 


DELTA, JAPAN AIR LINES, 
AIR NEW ZEALANO 


STOUFFER, RADISSON, OMNI HERTZ, NATIONAL TWA, BRITISH AIRWAYS 
MARRIOTT HERTZ BRITISH AIRWAYS 


BUDGET, NATIONAL 


ê 


“FOUR “CREDITS” ARE EARNED FOR ENROLLING IN MIDWAY'S FLYERSFIRST PROGRAM. 
ONE CREDIT IS EARNED FOR EACH ADDITIONAL ROUND TRIP. 


* PARTICIPATING LOCATIONS ONLY. 


“LISTING DOES NOT INCLUDE COMMUTER AIRLINES. 


PLAYBOY 


no 


stay in partner hotels and use the car- 
rental-agency and airline tie-ins. 

Rule two: Take advantage of bonus-mile 
opportunities. Most airlines offer double 
bonus miles and specials on a monthly 
basis. If a new route or service is being 
introduced, there is a good chance that 
bonus miles will be offered. United Air- 
lines recently offered a 10,000-mile bonus 
for round-trip flights from Chicago to 
Santa Barbara, Burbank and Long Beach. 
Since Long Beach is only 20 miles from 
L.A., this offered the informed frequent 
flier an excellent opportunity to enhance 
mileage and demonstrated that even on 
the same airline, awards may vary. 

Rule three: Use tie-ins effectively. Hotels 
that offer points per night, such as Inter- 
continental, give a rapid accumulation of 
mileage. The corporate or standard rates 
usually apply: Discount prices do not 
generally buy mileage. The difference 
between the corporate rate and the dis- 
count rate is often minimal. International 
partner carriers and promotions offered 
for subscriptions, credit cards, etc., will 
also enhance mileage. 

Car rentals are useful for quick mileage. 
There is generally no limit on the number 
of cars that can be rented in conjunction 
with a flight. Program credit can vary 
from 500 to 2000 miles, depending on the 
type of car rented. As long as a boarding 
pass is presented,’ it may be possible to 
rent several cars within the individual pro- 
gram limit. Car rentals offer an excellent 
and cost-effective way to add mileage at a 
relatively low cost to the frequent flier. 

Rule four: Fly business class or first class 
to enhance mileage (and comfort). Most car- 
riers offer a 25 percent mile bonus for 
business-class travel and often up to 50 
percent for first class. Mileage accumu- 
lates rapidly on international flights and 
other long hauls. In some programs—for 
example, Delta's and Continental’s— 
members may upgrade to first class for as 
little as $15, if there is space available, and 
receive the bonus mileage, as well as the 
plush service. 

Rule five: Ensure that credit is received 
for all flights, hotels and rental cars. Vt is up 
to the individual to send in the forms and 
keep on top of them. The airlines process 
thousands of credits each day, and no one 
person is assigned to any account. 

Rule six: Keep all records and program 
materials for at least one year. It is casy for 
paperwork and, consequently, credit to be 
lost in the proverbial shuffic. 

Rule seven: Read the fine print. Most 
awards come with blackout periods during 
which they are not applicable, and other 
restrictions always seem to apply. Rules 
have been known to change, and they dif- 
fer from program to program. 

Rule eight: Redeem those awards. 


Awards and award levels can change from 


year to year. Although the programs are 
open-ended, in most instances the year in 
which the award is given is the year in 
which the rules apply. You must have the 
required number of miles earned in the 
calendar year to claim the award under 
that year’s rules, In 1984, two coach tick- 
ets to Hawaii on Pan Am were offered at 
the 40,000-mile level. In 1985, it took 
50,000 to win that same award. In 1986, 
Pan Am stopped flying to Hawaii. 

Each program offers free travel for two 
to a variety of destinations. To get the 
most distance out of the miles, so to speak, 
the frequent flier should shop around for 
the best deals offered according to the type 
of awards and locations desired. Although 
most programs are tied in with interna- 
tional partners, their awards usually 
require anywhere from 10,000 to 30,000 
additional miles over the level on 2 com- 
parable U.S. airline. 

Domestic vacations: All of the airlines 
offer domestic-travel awards at relatively 
low (and attainable) mileage levels. 
Northwest offers travel for two at only 
40,000 miles and allows travel to the latest 
vacation spot, Alaska, but does not 
include Hawaii. At the 50,000-mile level, 
American and TWA offer awards that 
include Hawaii. Of the remaining major 
carriers, Continental offers travel to the 
mainland U.S., Mexico and Canada for 
55,000 miles. United offers coach-class 
tickets for travel to North America 
(including Hawaii), Mexico and the Baha- 
mas at the 75,000-mile level. Delta 
requires 70,000 miles for two coach-class 
tickets; Eastern's requirement is 55,000. 

European travel: Although not a popu- 
lar destination last summer, Europe is cer- 
tain to regain its vacation allure. The 
three U.S. airlines with the most extensive 
routes are Pan Am, TWA and Northwest. 
TWA and Northwest award free coach 
travel for two at the 60,000-mile level. Pan 
Am offers the most exotic European routes 
at 80,000 miles; TWA awards first-class 
European travel at the 90,000-mile level. 

South Pacificlthe Orient: Again, there are 
three programs that offer travel rewards to 
this area on their own airlines: United, 
Northwest and Continental. Northwest 
emerges as the clear winner in the battle 
for the South Pacific, as it offers two coach 
tickets for only 80,000 miles. Given the 
cost of tickets to the Orient, this is a true 
bargain. United's South Pacific service 
offers two coach tickets at 100,000 miles. 

South America: Going to Rio or Buenos 
Aires? Pan Am and Eastern are the two 
U.S. carriers that provide service to this 
region. Eastern Airlines is the clear 
choice: With its awards, frequent fliers can 
claim award travel throughout all its 
extensive routes in South America. How- 
ever, Eastern Frequent Traveler Bonus 


members should be green with envy, since 
Pan Am is the only U.S. carrier that 
provides free trips to Rio. Pan Am and 
Eastern provide award travel to selected 
destinations for 80,000 miles. 

For frequent fliers who prefer to travel 
first class and do not wish to accumulate 
miles, most airlines offer a free first-class- 
upgrade certificate for only 10,000 miles. 
Have an extra 20,000 miles to spare? The 
British Airways Mileage Plus member can 
upgrade from first class to the Concorde 
when flying to London. 

There are special rewards offered to 
those frequent fiers who have logged 
almost as many miles as the captain. 
These prestige programs are offered by 
most of the major carriers, though airlines 
do not widely publicize them so as not to 
encourage a stratification, so to speak, of 
frequent fliers. United’s Mileage Plus 
Premier program has a graduated bonus- 
award structure for Mileage Plus members 
beginning at the 25,000-mile-per-year 
level. At 75,000 miles, Premier Executives 
are awarded an additional 125 percent of 
their flight miles for each flight. Other 
perks include a first-class upgrade for each 
5000 miles accumulated in 1987. TWA's 
Gold Card is available to members who 
have flown at least 30,000 flight miles (or 
four transatlantic flights) and includes a 
ten percent mileage bonus for all coach 
flights, а 25 percent bonus for Ambassa- 
dor Class or a 50 percent bonus for first- 
class flights. 

American's AAdvantage Gold program 
participants are selected by the airline, 
and membership is offered to only the top 
two to three percent of frequent fliers. 
Awards include upgrades to first class, 
special deals on car rentals, and bonus 
miles for each flight. 

Most airlines allow the transfer of 
awards to family members. In reality, the 
transfer allows the frequent flier who pre- 
fers a more sedentary vacation to sell the 
award to a coupon broker. Another trav- 
eler may purchase it from the broker at a 
40-to-60-percent discount from the retail. 
price of the ticket. Most coupon brokers 
deal primarily in first-class tickets. 

The airlines employ a good deal of rhet- 
oric against ticket brokering, claiming that 
it destroys the “spirit” of the programs, 
because those flying on the free tickets are 
rewarded for their patronage to the cou- 
pon broker, not the airline. Alan Gross, a 
coupon broker from AGCO in Silver 
Spring, Maryland, maintains that “brand 
loyalty is actually enhanced for the 
ultrafrequent flier, who will continue to fly 
his airline and sell the awards he won't 
use.” The airline industry is watch- 
ing closely a suit filed by American 
Airlines last June against a Southem 

(continued on page 142) 


“Pick a number between one and one thousand and one.” 


ni 


112 


THE OBIS’ 
TEPHANIE BEACHAM 


BEFORE THERE WAS A SEQUEL TO DYNASTY, 
THERE WAS THIS PHOTO PREQUEL OF THE PERFECT, 
BEAUTIFUL BITCH IN DYNASTY Il: THE COLBYS 


he Colbys" is not 
about a family of cheese 
merchants. “Dynasty II” 
follows the exploits 
of Sable (Stephanie 
Beacham) and Jason 
(Charlton Heston), 
shown at left, as they 
Data enne in 
prime-time television. 


H, YES, said Fitzgerald to Hemingway. “The very rich are different from you and me." “Yes,” said Hemingway. 
À “They have more money.” And if you follow the prime-time soaps Dynasty and Dynasty И: The Colbys, you'll know 
the rich also have a fatal attraction for bitches. That famous chronicle of Western civilization, People, caught on to the 
main attraction of The Colbys almost immediately: "With her icy beauty, withering stare and the British accent she wields 


like a poison dart, Stephanie Beacham might just be the one to show Joan Collins the real meaning of she-deviltry." Wel- 


come to another class of pLaveoy's Celebrity Archaeology 101. We uncovered these 1972 shots of Miss Beacham in our 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DOUGLAS KIRKLAND AND PATRICK LICHFIELD 


files. Back then, 
Stephanie was living 
“as a happy hippie,” 
doing theater in Lon- 
don. She played lead 
roles for two of Eng- 
land’s most important 
repertory companies, 
the Bristol Old Vic 
and the Oxford Play- 
house. She played 
Mary, Queen of Scots, 
in a BBC production 
of The Queen's Traitor. 
She played opposite 


Donald Pleasance in 


ook closely at 

these pictures. Before 
she became Sable, the 
diamond-studded мат 
of “Dynasty II,” Steph- 
anie played in such 
offerings as "Dracula 
D. 1972," "House of 
ord," “Schizo” 
and "Horror Planet." 


15 


116 


Harold Pinter's dou- 
ble bill The Basement 
and Tea Party. She 


posed for Canadian 


artist André Durand 
and was voted by one 
organization as “the 
most sedate nude of 
the year.” In 1972, we 
asked Doug Kirkland 
and Patrick Lichfield 
(that’s Lord Lichfield 
to those of you who 
follow the real-life 
dynasty) to take a few 


photos of Stephanie. 


told 
People, е more 
years for this face, 
Friend, maybe three... . . 
If I want to do film 
work, l'd better do it 
now." Someone who has 
been this attractive this 
long is likely to be 
stunning al amy age. 


OF 


Our Photo Editor gave 


them the following 
assignment: The shots 
should be “beautiful, 
sexy, ethereal, fun, 

provocative, sen- 
sitive, interesting. Not 
asking for much. ГП 
settle for any three of 
the above.” 

Lichfield shot Steph- 
anice as a blonde, natu- 
ral child of the 
counterculture. Kirk- 
land saw her as a bru- 


nette and asked her to 


n her early 20s, 
Stephanie lived in 
what she described as 
a “sophisticated com- 
mune.” She posed for 
artists and was mol 
unused to the feel of 
fine furs and elegant 
living. Good training 
for her TV persona 


= 
ES 
ta 
> а 
N ⁄ 
N 
y 
š cw 
e xa 2 
— Дын 
4 = ү; 
` EY 


pose in one of the Mod 
wigs of the day. 

It was an important 
time in Stephanie's 
life. She had just 
landed a role opposite 
Marlon Brando in The 
Nightcomers. She told 
a reporter back then, 
“Tam not a film star. I 
never will be. It’s not 
me. I’m stubborn and 
definite about my act- 
ing and I amonly satis- 
fied when I'm playing 
the part perfectly.” 


ts hard to imag- 
ine the child of the 
counterculture shown 
here as a diabolical, 
scheming wench, ready 
to plot with the worst 
of them. What will 
Sable do this week? 
Be it bedroom от 
board room, it's fun. 


PLAYBOY 


INTERMISSION „ее 74 


“She sucks in her tummy and takes a breath to lifi her 
breasts a tad, just in case he might be interested.” 


there’s this beautiful guy, all class and 
musde, a real dream boat, as they used 
to say in her favorite musicals, looking 
somehow heroic and vulnerable at the 
same time and dressed in clothes they 
don’t even sell in a town like this— 
and he's staring straight at her! She's 
almost sure she recognizes him from 
somewhere—not from this dump, of 
course; it would have to be from some 
movie—like possibly he was a private eye 
with a tragic past or a great explorer or 
alcoholic or artist or a happy-go-lucky guy 
who gave his life for the woman he loved, 
something like that. Maybe even а half- 
naked martyr from that religious opus 
behind him—a show, if so, she wouldn’t 
want to miss, much as she admires his 
present wardrobe. She sucks in her tummy 
and takes a breath to lift her breasts a tad, 
just in case he might be interested (fat 
chance, she cautions herself, all too often a 
fool for love, she’s famous for it) —and, 
amazingly enough, he is! He fits a ciga- 
rette between his lips, curls his hands 
around it and lights it, never once taking 
his eyes off her, glancing appreciatively 
down at her breasts (her sudden gasp 
makes them quiver in her bra cups like 
sing-along bouncing balls, she can tell by 
the way his brows bob), then back up at 
her eyes once more. He smiles faintly, 
blows smoke, then holds up the pack as 
though offering her one. 

When she walks over toward him, her 
heart’s beating so hard she’s sure it must 
be showing through her blouse like she’s 
got something alive in there trying to get 
out, and she knows just what they’ve 
always meant when they say in the mov- 
ies, “I felt like I was walking on air.” Only 
it's kind of bumpy air, like any minute 
something might catch her heels and make 
her fall on her face and turn the whole 
thing into some awful slapstick routine, 
the story of her crummy life. And sure 
enough, just when she gets close enough to 
pick up his smell (which is something 
between pepper steak, hot bath water and 
a Christmas tree—buttered popcorn can't 
touch it), her knees go all mushy, and she 
thinks, wobbling, Oh, boy, here we go 
again—but he reaches out and steadies 
her with just the lightest touch on her 
elbow, and then, as though there's some 
secret signal between them, they turn and 
(she checks to make sure she's still got her 
ticket stub, you never know, don't bum 
your britches, as her girlfriend likes to say) 
step out onto the street. 

Her hands are trembling when she 
reaches for the cigarette he offers her, and 


there's a kind of fog swirling around (it 
makes her think of steamy train stations 
and damp farewells, though, in fact, she 
hasn't even said hello yet), or else she's 
going blind with mad passion, very likely, 
and she’s just trying to think of something 
brainy yet exotic to say, when four guys 
step out of the shadows and grab her and 
start dragging her toward the curb. 
“Hey!” she yelps, any language fancier 
than that escaping her as her feet leave the 
ground. She twists around toward her 
erstwhile lover boy, hoping, if not for a 
heroic rescue, at least for a little sympa- 
thy; but he only smiles mysteriously, takes 
a drag on his butt, flips it away and, trail- 
ing wisps of fog and cigarette smoke like a 
kind of end-of-reel tease, disappears back 
into the moviehouse. 

A black unmarked car with thick win- 
dows pulls up and they push her into it, 
two of these blue-suited meat sacks 
squeezing in beside her in the back seat, 
another jumping up front with the driver, 
who is hunched over the wheel in a cloth 
cap and a coat with the collar turned up. 
around his ears, like something she has 
seen a thousand times, yet never seen 
before. The fourth guy flops a jump seat 
down in front of her and sits facing her 
with a submachine gun pointed straight at 
her belly, which even in her present panic 
she realizes is what has gotten her into all 
this trouble in the first place. Maybe he 
can even hear it growling, because, as they 
roar away from the curb, he tells her to 
shut up, even though she hasn't said a 
word and couldn't if she tried. 

It's scary enough that she’s jammed 
into this car with a bunch of maniacal 
gangsters, a gun poked at her stomach 
and the car going about 100 miles an hour 
through the thickest downtown traffic 
she's ever scen around this place, running 
lights and swerving around oncoming cars 
and generally scaring the pants off any- 
body who has time to see them coming 
(someone who looked a little bit like her 
mother just went leaping backward 
through a plate-glass window back 
there—this is no joke!), but she’s also got 
the distinct impression that the driver, 
who should have his eyes on the road 
(“Yikes!” she yips as the side of a huge 
bus looms before them and the guy with 
the gun gives her a jab with it and says, “I 
thought I told you to shut up"), has them 
on her instead, staring darkly at her 
through his rearview mirror, like either. 
he's got designs on her, evil or whatever, 
or he's trying to tell her something. 
“There's somebody followin’ us" he 


snarls suddenly, as though to hide what he 
really wants to say. 

The other guys whip out their weapons 
and roll the windows down. "Step on it^" 
the one with the gun on her yells, and now 
they really get going, jumping curbs and 
racing the wrong way down one-way 
streets, taking corners on two wheels, tires 
screeching, crashing right through news- 
stands and flower carts, beating speeding 
engines to train crossings, leaping road- 
works and gaping bridges, the gorillas 
beside her meanwhile leaning out the win- 
dows and blasting away at whocver it is 
that's following them. No one's paying 
any attention to her now—if they weren't. 
going 1000 miles an hour, she could just 
open the door and step out and never be 
missed—no one, that is, except the driver, 
who is still eying her through the rearview 
mirror like he can't get enough of her. Is 
he crazy? 

Then, suddenly, one of the bruisers 
beside her slumps to the floor with a big 
hole where an eye should be, making her 
clench her teeth and pull her lips back, 
and the guy in the jump seat, looking like 
somebody just yanked his plug and let all 
the blood out, shoves her toward the 
empty window and yells in a high, nerv- 
ous voice, “You think it's funny? You just 
stick your head out there for a while!” She 
shrinks back at the same moment that the 
gunman on the other side of her spasms 
and flops against her like a bag of dirty 
laundry (and where are they now? They 
seem to be racing along the edge of some 
cliff!), and she tries her best to erase the 
grimace, but the squeaky guy just screams 
and pokes her with his submachine gun 
again. His finger is jittery on the trigger, 
his eyes rolling around like he’s about to 
lose his taffy, and the driver, squi 
her in the mirror, gives her a little go- 
ahead nod as if he might have something 
in mind, so what else can she do? 

They're going so fast her eyes tear when 
she sticks her head out, and she can’t sec a 
thing, but she can hear the squealing tires 
and the howling sirens and the bullets ric- 
ocheting off the side of the car. As for those 
two hours in the beauty parlor this after- 
noon, forget it; it’s a good thing it’s her 
own hair, or it'd all be gone by now. 
Whenever she tries to pull back inside, she 
can feel that fruitcake behind her prod- 
ding at her fundamentals with the pointy 
end of his tommy gun, pushing her farther 
and farther out the window like he might 
be trying to unload ballast, as her girl- 
friend likes to say when she has to go to 
the ladies. Then, amazingly, amid the 
roar of rushing wind and gunfire and 
speeding wheels, she seems to hear some- 
one whisper, “Jump?” right in her car. 
What? She catches just a glimpse through 
her wind-blown lashes (those aren't her 
own, and—zip!—they're gone) of the 
brim of his cloth cap, leaning out the 

(continued on page 150) 


123 


“Jeez—it’s a Jerry Falwell calendar.” 


ya ap oes e | incredible 


E. [ON 

= A N | | 44 

| 1 4 М b 
эе сабаа کک‎ = р = 


Derek Ryman sculpted “the 
most perfect body.” 


A 4 = 


L 
| р 
Ed Meese—turn-off of the year. 


Ron Reagan—our kind of 
guy. 


Tr > | = ERG 

[od ] = 
ШП Ш ES Шы 
As revealed in His Way, Ole Blue Eyes 


taunted Judith Exner after she balked 


at a ménage a trois with: “Get with it. 
124 Swinga little.” 


X 


Н 
2 
> 
E 
El 


Ё 
š 
Š 
9 
š 
= 
E 


* The Supreme Court made it an 
offense to have oral or anal sex. 


= 


"YOUR PAPERS APPEAR 
MARRIED OUPLE SORRY, 


Topless Doughnut Shop, Fort 


Lauderdale. Life goes on. 


x 
BE IN ORDER. APPARENTLY YOU ARE A 


HETEROSEXUAL 
WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE A COUPLA QUEERS. ^ 


Vanessa Redgrave starred as 
transsexual Renée Richards 
in CBS-TV's Second Serve. 


Ex-Beatle Paul McCartney 
says of record censors, “l 
kind of see their point.” 


Valid Research, but Not a Great Title for 
a Novel: A few years ago, when Glamour 
conducted a telephone poll on what 
women worry about most, war and peace 
was the most popular answer. This year, 


AIDS and herpes came in first in the poll. 


This Is Getting Serious: Dominatrix Lady 
Lia on how the AIDS scare affects her life: 


“L used to go in for a little body worship— 


let somebody kiss my body. Now I allow 


them to kiss my leather, if at all.” 


On the other hand, here is a picture of 
naked bar belles at the Café Luxembourg 
in New York. We fecl an obligation to pub- 
lish this kind of picture. 


REAR IN SIE 


On June 30, 1986, the United States Supreme Court, in a 5—4 decision, upheld laws making 


sodomy illegal in Georgia: 


“Ta hold that the act of homosexual sodomy is somehow protected as a fundamental right would be 


to cast aside a millennia [sic] of moral teaching."— Chief Ju: 


“I applaud the decision it has 
accepled practice in this country.” 
Reverend Jerry Falwell 

“This was a gratuitous and petty ruling, 
an offense to American ми "s maturing 
standards of individual 
York Times editorial 
‘Isn't ita violation of the Georgia sodomy 
law for the Supreme Court to have iis head 
up ils ass?" —riaypoy reader John Burt 


First off the Bench. . . Boulder, Colo- 

rado, women carrying cameras and binoc- 

ulars and wearing T-shirts that read son- 

omy Parrot wandered through a shopping 

mall looking for “unlawful sexual behav- 
.” They were joking. 


Let’s See—Does That Make It a Cannes- 
Can? Dutch designer J. J. Van Hartesveldt 
introduced his rump-hugging bikini bot- 
tom at the Cannes Film Festival. 


Prin- 


Then back to the heavier side. . . . 
cess Fergie weighed in with the most 
ample bottom in recent royal history. 


EAR IN 
SEX 


On the musical front . . . 


A-Wop-Bop-a-Loo- 
Bop. . . . Evangelist 


Jimmy Swaggart, 
whose first cousin is 
Jerry Lee Lewis, 
launched a crusade 
against “pornographic” 
rock music, which he 
called a more destruc- 
tive force than "drug 
addiction, venereal dis- 
ease, homosexuality, 
you name it.” Attacking 
such M.O.R. perform- 
ers as Elton John and 
Bruce Springsteen, 
Swaggart said, “I don't 
listen to this music—Im 
not in the torture 
business—but people 
in the organization do 
listen to it, for research, 
and give me print-outs.” 


A-Wop-Bam. ... А 
San Antonio ordinance 
was passed prohibiting 
unaccompanied chil- 
dren under the age of 
14 from attending musi- 
cal, stage or theatrical 
shows considered to be 
“obscene.” Champion- 
ing the new law is 
mayor Henry Cisneros, 
a Democrat, who refers 
to some rock concert- 
goers as “young people 
going to the altar to tes- 
tify for Satan.” 


Boom. California State 
U sociology professors 


ice Warren E. Burger 
ued a clear statement that perverted moral behavior is not 


Jill Rosenbaum and 
Lorraine Prinsky sub- 
jected more than 250 
teenagers to more than 
650 songs and con- 
cluded that rock lyrics 
arent damaging to 
teens because teens 
don't listen to them. 


EERIE 
SEX 


Let's Go for a Spin: 
Now there's the Sex 
Basket, a $219.95 sex 
toy that originated in 
Oriental bordellos. The 
woman sits in the furry 
seat while the man, 
lying underneath, enters 
her through the hole in 
the bottom. 


IRANI 
SEX 


The speaker of the Iran- 
ian parliament said in 
1986 that there really is 
adifference betweenthe 
sexes: Women's brains 
are smaller. 


YEAR IN 
SPECS 


What About Pulling 
the Tags off Mat- 
tresses? |n a “Sin 
Poll’ conducted by 
People, living together 
without marriage was 
rated as sinful as capital 
punishment, tattling rated 


worse than both of them 
and cutting in front of 
Someone in line was 
worse than all three. 


Why We Believe in 
Sex Ed, Part One: 
Johns Hopkins Univer- 
sity conducted a three- 
year study of 3400 
teenaged Baltimore 
girls in which half were 
given extensive sex 
education (complete 
with contraception and 
"values clarification" 
courses) and half were 
not The results: The 
half with extensive sex 
ed lost their virginity 
after their 16th birthday 
and showed a 30 percent 
drop in pregnancies; the 
other half (with only 
Maryland schools’ basic 
sex education) lost their 
virginity before their 16th 
birthday and experi- 
enced a 57 percent in- 
Crease in pregnancies. 


CHEER 
IN SEX 


You Didn't Think We 
Were Going to Get 
Through One of 
These Features 
Without Publishing 
at Least One Nudist 
Picture, Did You? 


Nudes-a-Poppin' Il,Pon- 
derosa Sun Club. 


YEAR 
INSECT 


Love Bug: Jeff Goldblum, 
as The Fly. 


YEAR 
INFECT 


In a New York Times 
piece called “Is Sex 
Necessary?” scientists 
questioned the evolu- 
tionary need for sex, 


suggesting that the 
male may have origi- 
nated as “parasitic 
DNA” and that sex was 
actually just “a form of 
disease that animals 
and plants have learned 
to adapt to.” 


YEAR 
IN 
SECTS 


In an action reminiscent 
of the 1925 Scopes trial. 
Tennessee fundamen 
talist Christians battled 
the Hawkins County 
Schools in court, claim- 
ing that textbooks ele- 
vate man at the 
expense of God. Chief 
plaintiff Міскі Frost 
claimed that, in one 
book, a picture of a girl 
reading and a boy mak- 
ing toast represented a 
reversal of traditional 
Sex roles. 


YEAR EWN! =" is 


MAYFIOWER 
“MADAM” 


Israeli Jewish funda- 
mentalists fought 
secular Jews over bus- 
shelter posters that fea- 
tured scantily dressed 
women. Calling the 
ads “the Devil's work,” 
the Orthodox faction 
torched more than 100 
shelters, destroying 
swimwear billboards 
and sparing only post- 
ers for such products as 
mayonnaise and dog 
food. In retaliation, the 


secular Jews torched an 
Orthodox synagogue. 


Another Reason 
This Has Been an 
Incredible Year: 
Thirty students at Cali- 
fornia State University 
formed an antisex 
league. They're not a 
religious group, they 
say; they just believe 
that “sex is a waste of 
time . .. one of the stu- 
pidest things we do." 


And as a Coup de 
Grace. . . . The US. 
Labor Department ruled 
that the Government 
will no longer compen- 
sate workers who lose 
“nonproductive” body 
parts in the line of duty. 
The penis was included. 


SHEER 
IN SEX 


Spicy ad for Guerlain. 


SHEARS 
IN SEX 


‘BVERYERIWG TOU EVER WANTED. 
ти А MARRIAGE...) LBBB!!! 


Rotten movie idea. 


SKIERS 
IN SEX 


Splash: The same think- 
ing that leads us to pub- 
lish nudist pictures. 


Sydney Biddle Barrows’ Mayflower Madam: “Whenever a girl returned from secing a new 
client, her description of him was entered in our client log. 
press reports after we were busted, there was no mention on these records of the client's 
xual preferences. although if the man was very well endowed, we would note this fact 
with the code LP.” 


Contrary to some of the 


Jackie Collins’ Hollywood 
Husbands, “She had the 
tight, compact body of a 
teenager. Taut breasts, firm 
thighs . . . and a flat stom- 
ach. She enjoyed sex with 
a gusto he was unuscd 
о... Other women talked, 
y just for effect. When Silver said, 
uck me hard, Wes,’ she meant it. And 
he did it nd they both got off on 


AMARA MIO 
SIE 


Ruthless People: The 
Dr Pepper company 
canned Dr. Ruth West- 
heimer as its spokes- 
person reportedly 
under pressure from 
the National Federation for Decency 


Move 
Ruth: 


Over, pi 
Phyllis Levy, 
thera: 


“being auracted to a Ger- 
golden showers" and 
As for the 


shepherd; 
turbating tọ Levy 
show's musical format, Levy played such 
chart busters as Don't Use Your Penis for a 
Brain and Please Warm My Wiener 


SEA IAE OO OS 
FEIN Ska 


At Brown: Shortly after a prostitution- 
ring scandal shook Brown University, a. 
group of Brown women published Posi- 
tons, a “feminist pornography journal" 
intended to “allow women to consume 
pornography in a nonalienated state.” 


And at Yale: In response to PLAYBOY'S 
Women of the Foy League Revisiled pictorial 
(October), a group of Yale women rallied 
ladies from seven of the cight Ivies and put 
out their own version under the same title. 


“Sc IE AER EIST 
OO OO TRES 


A Reagan aide, after a suggestion by Pat Buchanan that rıaynov be 
banned from military PXs: “That would certainly do wonders lor our 
recruitment program.” 


Pasadena Superior Court judge Gilbert Alston, dism 
T 


tute's rape с; 


whore is a whore is a whore. 


he law 


ing a pro: 
S set up to protect good people. . . 


White House Chief of Stalf Don. 
women's understanding of sum 
don't understand "what's happening in Afghan 
. . .. Most women would rather read the 
terest stuff.” On women's understand- 
ш; of sanctions against South Africa: “Are the 
women of America prepared to give up all their 
jewelry?” 


d Regan on 
he 


topics: 1 


Jerry Lewis, panned by a female movie critic: 
You can't a 
articularly if it 
d, it’s really difficult for them to function as 


P 
human beings. 


Radical feminist Andrea Dworkin, who de- 
nounces depictions of explicit sex, on why the 
graphic sex scenes in her novel Ice & Fire are 
obscene: “The reason this book isn't pornogra- 
phy simply has to do with my 
Pure and simple,” 


“STE: ER ET 
Yo" === 


Mr. Vice-President, You Have Three Minutes for Your Response: 


Ex-stripper Venus DeMilo announced her candidacy for the I. 


Board of Supervisors. 
Boasting that as a strip- 
per. she was "the best," 
DeMilo insisted she was 
serious about her political 
endeavors: “I don't take 
no lightly, and | don't 
beat around the bush.” 


Norma Jean Almodovar— 
a former L.A. traffic cop 
who was convicted in 1984 
on callgirl с 
ing another female olli- 
cer—ran for fornia 
lieutenant governor on the 
Libertarian ticker. She 
launched her campaig 
with a poster of her wear- 
ing a bathing suit and 
boxing gloves. "We need 
some tits in Sacramento," 
she said. “We already 
have the asses.” 


YEAR IN 
JOKES 


Guy walks into a parrot 
shop. 


YEAR IN 
JOCKS 


When the Chicago 
Cubs fired ball girl Marla 
Collins for appearing in 
puayeoy, the Chicago 
Tribune's Mike Royko 
put major-league base- 
ball's cardinal sins in 
perspective: “A second 
chance? If that girl had 
wanted a second chance, 
she should have kept 
her pants on and sniffed 
coke instead.” 


Double-D, Meet Triple- 
A: Morganna, base- 
bal's Kissing Bandit, 
bought into the Blue 
Sox, aminor-league team 
in Utica, New York. And 
ѕіпдег/асігеѕѕ Pia Za- 
dora became 
owner of the Portland 
Beavers. 


Yet another picture we 
feel we ought to publish, 
this one for the sake of 
international good will: 


two topless French 
women sailing their raft 
down the Cote d'Azur, 
serving ice cream to 
passing yachtsmen 


YAWN IN 
SEX 


Put Your Hand over 
Your——Oh, Never 
Mind: lt was reported 
in Omni that four 
psychiatric patients tak- 
ing the antidepressant 
Anafranil experienced 
orgasm whenever they 
yawned. The patients— 
two men and two 
women—responded in 
various ways: One of 
the women complained 
of experiencing sexual 
urges she couldnt 
resist, while the men 
spoke of having to “con- 
tinuously wear a con- 
dom” and/or “lie down 
for ten to 15 minutes 
after each yawn.” 


Meanwhile, the adver- 
tising firm D'Arcy, Masius, 


Benton & Bowles sur- 
veyed more than 1500 
people across the U.S. 
and concluded that both 
men and women get 
more pleasure and sat- 
isfaction from TV than 
from sex. Also-rans 
included marriage, 
money, children, sports, 
liquor, friends, helping 
others and reading. 


Religion rated among 
the last. 


NO SEX 


Longest Tease: Moon- 
lighting’s Maddie (Cybill 
Shepherd) and David 
(Bruce Willis) still 
haven't done it. 


SEX IN 
JEST 


Joan Rivers sued this 
fellow for impersonating 
her. The judge said he 


could butthat hecouldn't 
use her material. 


YEAR IN 
CHESTS 


Women on Japanese 
TV weighing their breasts. 
We're not sure why. 


` 


ra 


YEAR IN 
SCENTS 


And as for AllThose 
Fragrance Ads... . 
An ad for Perry Ellis, 
which some magazines 
refused to run, included 
the phrase “my best 
f----you smile." In 
ападіогРасо Rabanne, 
a woman calls a man 
who's just left her bed to. 
tell him that his secret 
tattoo is safe with her— 
and that he smelled 
good. As for Calvin 
Klein, he had the usual 
censorship problems 


Que io his interesting 
yearly Obsessions. 


YEAR IN 
TENTS 


Qaddafi, Kaddafi, 
Kadaffi, Gaddafi— 
Let's Call the Whole 
Thing Off: Not content. 
with the Governments 
disinformation cam- 
paign, an often some- 
what accurate New York 


daily issued a report 
that Muammar el- 
Qaddafi was hiding in 
his tent after last April's 
Tripoli bombing and was 
dressed as a woman. 
Under the headline 
"KHADAFY GOES DAFFY," 


was an artist's render- 
ing of what he may have 
looked like—complete 
with beauty mark. 


Why We Believe in 
Sex Ed, Part Two: 
Hal Warden, a 15-year- 
old Nashville boy, 
impregnated and mar- 
ried a 14-year-old girl, 
having impregnated, mar- 
ried and divorced an- 
other girl several years 
ago. Says the mother of 
his second wife, “He's 
just a little spoiled brat 
that thinks he should 
get everything he 
wants—women or any- 
thing.” Says Warden 
about his second wife's 
present condition, “I 
didn't think it could 


happen two times." 


YEAR IN 


A Redondo Beach. Cali- 
fornia, man was ar- 
rested for getting fresh 


with Minnie Mouse at 
Disneyland. Why? Be- 
cause he liked her. 


YEAR IN 
MOOSE 


A moose kept putting 
the moves on a reluc- 
tant cow at a central 
Vermont farm, drawing 
ogling crowds of up to 
4000. Asked why the 
moose was so smitten, 
the Hereford's owner 
replied, "She is very 
good-looking.” 


YEAR IN 
MEESE 


j'M—E-E-S-E um 
\ tg 


Busy, busy. You may 
remember that Attorney 
General Edwin Meese 
had said that anyone in 
custody was probably 
guilty; then he backed 
up his porn commis- 
sion's more crazed 
conclusions, then pro- 
nounced the Supreme 
Court not the final law of 
the of the land; and fin- 
ished his year by calling 
on citizens to help the 
war on drugs by spying 
on people in locker 
rooms. So how does a 
busy guy take a break? 
By attending a local the- 
ater, where a revue was 
staged that ridiculed 
the porn commission 
and featured singing 
"Meeseketeers.' Dur- 
ing the finale, a finger- 
wagging Big Ed trotted 
out on stage and cov- 
ered up a replica of the 
Washington Monument 
that the troupe had just 
unveiled. Now, wasnt 
that fun? 


© Reprinted wilh permission ol Chicago Sun-Times Inc. 1986 


20 QUESTIONS: ED BEGLEY, JR. 


tu’s smuggest mug waxes rhapsodic about gruesome death, 
game shows and the sexual sandwich 


4 Begley, Jr., is arguably the hippest guy 

in series television. For five seasons, 
he has expertly portrayed the 
sexist-clown resident Dr. Victor 
pig!" Ehrlich on NBC-TV's distinguished 
hospitalvérité series, “St. Elsewhere,” gar- 
nering four Emmy nominations for himself 
along the way. The son of the legendary 
angry actor for whom he is named, Begley 
has become king of the comic-cameo film 
appearance and shortly will be “seen” as the 
son of the invisible man in the forthcoming 
John Landis production “Amazon Women on 
the Moon." He has the slipperiest sibilant S 
m show business and swears that his hair has 
never been bleached. 

Bill Zehme followed Begley home from 
work one night to his cozy pied-à-terre in 
North Hollywood (the main casa Begley is an 
Ojai ranch) and rolled tape. Zehme recalls, 
“Ed drives 20 miles over the speed limit and 
speaks about as fast. But he's disarmingly 
candid. For our conversation, he flung him- 
self onto an authentic psychiatrist's couch 
and instructed me to pull up a chair. 1 felt t 
would be appropriate, he explained. И was.” 


rLAYBOY: Would you entrust your life to Dr. 
Ehrlich? 

necury: Never. That may be an unfair 
reaction to problems he has that are not 
related to his medical knowledge. He's 
actually a good surgeon. But he has this 
fey attitude that seems to interfere. I sus- 
pect people like that, people who have this 
ild card in their deck. You never know 
when it’s going to come up. Fifty-one 
times you're gonna be fine, but that 52nd 
time—bingo. Suddenly, he’s stitching your 
pancreas to your lower lip. It doesn't ap- 
peal to me. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: How's your bedside manner? 
BEGLEY: Clumsy. 1 am as square and pro- 
vincial a character as you might im- 
ne—not an adventurous soul in the 
ual arena. My sex drive was stymied 
early on by the whole Catholic routine. I 
was an altar boy. 1 mean, I never even 
masturbated until I was 16. I didn’t have 
sex until ] was nearly 21, which is pretty 
late for getting laid. And that was virtu- 
ally laid at my doorstep, if you will. 

The miracle was that my first experi- 
ence also happened to be my first and only 
time with tao women. Do you want to 
hear this? I had an apartment right across 
from Valley College out here, where I was 
studying theater. This cute girl I knew 
had left home. so I invited her to move in 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BONNIE SCHIFFMAN. 


with me. I had visions, of course, of con- 
summating my great allection for her, but 
she was resistant. Having never been any 
sort of Lothario, I didn't push it. She 
wasn't granting sexual favors and, after a 
few weeks, resentments built and she 
finally moved out. Later, 1 learned she 
was mostly interested in girls, so my ego 
wasn't quite as bruised. 

Flash forward a couple of years: We 
became friends again. One day, she came 
over with a girlfriend who was even cuter 
than she was. And, unless I was misread- 
vation, this girl was really mak- 
ing eyes at me. She seemed to like guys. 
Well, we began to drink and, at some 
nt, they seduced me. It was a wonder 
me. Although, to this day, 1 find 
myself having my hands full with just one 
woman. I’m not so arrogant as to think I 
could entertain large groups of people in 
the old sackeroo. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: You're a survivalist; give us your 
shopping list for the apocalypse. 
м у: T used to be extreme about it. Pm 
not psychic, but I have had one vision in 
my life—that Los Angeles would fall into 
the sea in 1971. My vision came on Janu- 
ary 21 and the big earthquake actually hit 
on February ninth. It was dangerously 
close. 1 went up into the Rocky Mountains 
to wait it out and stayed quite a while, 
For years, I had a survival jeep in which 
I carried around 50 pounds of brown rice, 
water, a tent, a shovel, a saw, seeds for 
planting. I figured I could live on the rice un- 
vegetable-growing season. Even now, 
1 up my glove compartment with а 
snake-bite kit, a sewing kit, miniature tool 


sets. I love stuff like that. All sorts of 
craziness. I'm a sick dude. 
4. 


PLAYBOY: Since we're on the subject of com- 
pulsive behavior, burden us with the 
shame of being a neatnik. Is it true you 
actually arrange your pocket money 
numerically 
pectes: [Sighs] Compulsive neatening and 

htening is a tough cross to hear. I 
used to be pretty bad. In the Sixties, I had. 
a series of apartments that were very com- 
fortable for me but nobody else. They 
smelled of Lysol. You had to remove your 
shoes upon entering—a nice Oriental cus- 
tom, but it made people self-conscious 
about their socks. If somebody was using 
an ashtray, I'd clean it out and put the 
matches back in it—while the person was 
still smoking. When | was a total vegetar- 


ian, I made dinner parties very tense. I 
asked questions like “Is there any chicken 
broth in this soup?" “Were those vegeta- 
bles on the same plate as the turkey? 
“Are there eggs in that salad?” Гус cut 
that out, but there's still a limit. I don't 
carc how long anybody fusses over chorizo, 
I'm not gonna eat a plate of steaming 
entrails. 


And, yes, i 


s true: Гуе held on to the 


habit of numerically arranging my pocket 
money. It has a slight practical applica- 
Gon, 1 suppose. If I need a 20, for 


nstance, I know right where to look. Also, 
І usually know how much I have on me, 
within a few dollars. Right now, I proba- 
bly have about $190. [Checks pocket] Well, 
I've got $226—way off. But it's some sort 
of security. I've never understood people 
who claim to have misplaced their money 
or car keys. I always know exactly where 
my money and car keys are—in my right 
pocket. I'd say I’ve lost my keys twice in 20 
years. No bullshit. m a maniac, but it 
makes for good copy. 


54 


rLAYBOY: You once found a garbage bag 
containing a dismembered human body 
behind your home—which sounds like a 
fastidious guy's idea of a religious experi- 
ence. What happened? 

BEGLEY: I had a little house in Studio City 
that shared an alley with a motel. A 
woman who worked at the motel knocked 
on my door one day and said, “I think 
your cat crawled under your house and 
died, because there's a terrible smell” 
Well, my cat was very much alive, but she 
wasn't kidding about the smell. I thought 
it was a rat, maybe. We went out back, 
poking through the cans to find its 
carcass, and we came upon these bags 
stuffed with bloody sheets. So I thought, 
Oh, my God, somebody killed a pel! 

Later on, some cops showed up, won- 
dering if Vd seen anything suspicious. The 
smell was now overwhelmii 1 said, 
"What's this about?” They tried to keep. 
me from looking over the back fence, but I 
saw about four unmarked cars, five squad 
cars, ten police photographers, a whole 
crowd in the alley. They had assembled 
on the ground this stuff, and, still, I swe 
to you, I didn't get it. I said, “ 
that? It looks like a hassock or a saddle 
a torso!” 


ar 


Vhat is 


о. 

Strangely enough, I never felt for a min- 
ute I was a suspect. I guess it would be 
pretty lame to kill somebody and put her in 
your trash can. (continued on page 144) 


131 


132 


CALL OF THE WILD „о 


is anything that takes you off the beaten 
track, away from the carnival atmosphere 
of lift-serviced resorts. Alp ing has 
been taken over by the cash elite, people 
who can afford a weck at Aspen, a 
designer jump suit. Back country is the 
first resort of the fitness elite, the locals 
who haye moved beyond the boundaries of 
skiing to rediscover some of the primal 
wonder of the sport. This is a return to the 
roots of skiing. You can choose from light 
touring skis or heavier mountaineering 
skis with metal edges. Both use frec-heel 
indings to allow for easy traversing. You 
take day trips, picnic lunches, overnights, 
expeditions. The sport has taken off and 
now has its own catalog. Yvon Chouinard, 
the Yosemite climber who started Pata- 
gonia clothing, has a special back-country 
catalog that goes out to 75,000 people 
cach winter. (Contact Great Pacific Iron 
Works, P.O. Box 90, 245 West Santa Clara 
Strect, Ventura, California 93002.) The 
sport has its ow ҮП 


book, Backcountry Ski 


ing, from the Sierra Club. Lito Tejada- 
Flores writes: 


"The essence of back-country skiing 
is skiing on your own. You and 


ter. Your skis and untracked, unpre- 
pared snow. It is de 


tely a state of 
nd you put on, much as you put on 
your skis and boots. It’s a state of 
mind composed of audacity and pru- 
dence, a love of winter and of effort, 
of graceful movement and of ex- 
ploration. In this overexplored world 
of ours, the winter back country is 
always fresh and unexplored because 
s always changing; each storm, 
cach shift in temperature creates new 
terrain. The back country—moun- 
tains, forests, high plateaus—has 
been renewing itself every winter be- 
yond all memory. And as long as 1 
can remember, skiers, too, have been 
renewing themselves in this challeng- 
ing white environment 


Winter scene: You have to check in with 
the ranger at Badger Pass before he'll let 


“Ratings war, eh? .. . We'll give channel five news 
a ratings war!" 


you go into the back country at Yosemite. 
His first question: "What is the name of 
your best friend?" Good question, why 
does he want to know? “If we have to send 
out an aerial search party, wc want to 
know what color clothes you are wearing. 
We figure your friends will know. OK, 
next question: What equipment are you 
carrying?” Another good question, 
designed, apparently, to test your knowl- 
edge of back-country needs. It also pro- 
vides incentive for search parties. “Well, 
let "re carrying a CD player, two 
pounds of Krugerrands, tickets for Bruce 
Springsteen at the Roxy, the keys to a 
Porsche d 

I am spending New Year's Eve in the 
mountains with my wife and two friends, 
Dick Penniman and Peggy Rickeus. We 
arc hcading for a cabin at Ostrander Lake, 
high in the Sierras. For three hours, we ski 
down a lire road, staring at a range of 
mountains in the distance. Plumes of snow 
billow and curl from cach peak, forming 
streamers 12 miles long. The mountains 
look like battleships steaming across the 
horizon. This was the sight that greeted 
John Muir in his first winter in Yosemite. 
We turn off the road and begin to nb. 
Pye borrowed a pack and, five hours into 
the tour, I feel my body being pulled apart 
by the slow weight of bad plam Each 
move produces an involuntary whimper. I 
am having some fun. I wonder about ath- 
letic events that require half a day. I can- 
not walk off the field. I cannot leave the 
court, sit on a curb or call a taxi. I am 
moving across alien terrain, trusting that I 
have gauged my energy budget correctly 
We stop for dinner. On the trail, beside a 
log, is the print of a bear paw. I recall the 
words of an arctic explorer: Adrenaline 
or joy —is coming upon the track of a bear 
when you are 200 yards ahead of the pack 
па 1,000,000 miles from home. 1 wonder 
what he said nex! 

A few moments before the sun sets, 1 
watch the heat rise from my body, turn to 
snow and fall back against the black wool 
of my sweater. I am my own weather sys- 
tem. Night falls. 1 continually und 
estimate the power of starlight as it 
edges between 400-year-old redwoods 
The snow looks like a soft white Navy 
blanket that someone has shaved smooth 

This is the point of back country—the 
careful assessment of energy, heat, dan 
ger, preparation. What it does is cause 
you to determine your exact carrying 
power. Tonight, the equation works. We 
find the hut, unroll sleeping bags and fall 
into a sleep as deep and as wide as the 
silence outside. 

The next morning, we awake to play in 
paradise. The sky is cut by jet streams, 
passage of people from city to city, 
encased in technology. The snow is cut by 
our tracks, the sibilant whisper of fresh 
snow, the passage of people from turn to 
turn. We are having some fun. 


Э] 


BACK-COUNTRY 
BASICS / тш 


Call it designer adventure. The 
only limits to back-country skiing 
are conditioning and common 
How well can you fend for 
yourself in the great beyond, espe- 
cially when the great beyond is as 
cold at night as it was 20,000,000 
years ago? We recommend that you 
head into the high country with an 
experienced partner—or, better 
yet, a professional guide, Several 
outfits offer hut-to-hut or the even 
more exotic yurt-to-yurt skiing. (A 
yurt is an igloolike tent.) Some of 
our favorite routes: (1) Aspen to 
Crested Butte via the Alfred A 
Braun Hut tem. Contact Ash- 
croft Ski Touring Unlimited (11399 
Castle Greek Road, Aspen, Colo- 
rado 81611; 25-1971). (2) The 
‘Tenth Mountain Division Trail Hut 
m from Aspen to Vail. Contact 
Paragon Guides (P.O. Box 
Vail, Colorado 81658; 303-467-0553) 
(3) Sawtooth Range with vurts 
Contact the Sun Valley Trekking 
Company (Р.О. Box 2200, Sun Val- 
ley, Idaho 8; 208-726-9595) to 
play connect the tents. (4) Karhu 
Cross Country Ski Center (Р.О. 
Box 269, Teton Village, Wyoming 
83025; 307-733-2292) offers tours of 
the Huckleberry Hot Springs and 
‘Teton Pass in the Targhee National 
Forest. 

There are schools that help you 
hone the mountaineering skills 
you'll need to stay alive and com- 
fortable in alpine settings. Yosemite 
National Park in California has the 
most spectacular campus in Amer- 
ica. The ski school at Badger Pass 
(209-372-1244) can give you guided 
overnight tours to Glacier Point. 
The Palisade School of Mountain- 
cering in Bishop, California 
(619-873-5037), offers courses as 
well as guided tours in the Sierras. 

When you get your act together, 
you can ski-trek anywhere, Cana- 
dian Mountain Holidays Lid. 
(403-762-4531) offers an alpi 
touring package out of a hig 
mountain hideaway called Battle 
Abbey in the Selkirk Range of Brit- 
ish Columbia. Alpine Guides, 
Mount Cook National Park (P.O. 
Box 20, Mount Cook, New Zea- 
land), can take you hut to hut on 
the Tasman Glacier. Le Grand Ski 
(25800 Jeronimo Road, Suite 200, 
Mission Viejo, California 92691; 
714-859-7919) can direct you to 
back-country grandeur in Europe. 


sens 


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133 


FASTFORWAR 


UNMASKED 
(SORT OF) ~ 
get typecast for role: 
depending on the per- 
sonality you project in 
Eric Stoltz. “| don't 
want that at all” 
Certainly. the 24-year-old 
actor ran little risk of falling into a rut por 
traying a deformed teenager in Mask, a per- 
formance that won him critical plaudits. “I 
loved the make-up for Mask.” says Stoltz. “It 
let me get some respect for my work and pre- 
serve my anonymity at the same time.” He is 
without camouflage in his newest movie, how- 
ever, playing a cat mechanic and budding artist 
in Some Kind of Wonderful, the latest release 
from teen-Zeitgeist expert John (The Breakfast 
Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off) Hughes. But 
Stoltz claims that even a big hit won't change 
his mania for privacy. "I do try to be under- 
standing about personal questions.” he says. “I 
simply don't answer them." —LAURA FISSINGER. 


GREG GORMAN. 


BARON WOLMAN 


JL 


MAKING BOOK nos mide a star out of 


youth— his own and others”. At 27, Morgan Entrekin, the Wun 
deskind editor at publishing giant Simon & Schuster, hit pay dirt 
with 20. -old Bret Ellis’ Less than Zero (and that was after 
Entrekin had stecred The Living Heart Diet, by Dr. Michael 


aw a ripe old 32, he has just teamed up with 
Monthly Press to publisli ten or 12 books under 
imprint. Typically, he isn't the least bit fazed by his 
more imposing, seasoned rivals. 
“We're up against dinosaurs," scoffs 
houses are just big—that's all. The publi 
so corporate that a lot of writers don 
they re working for anymore. We plan to build the hot- 
test publishing house in the business.” 

Bold words, which Entrekin plans to back up by 
ning some of the country’s fastest-rising noni 
tion and fiction writers. His line-up so far 

includes former National Lampoon editor 

P. J. O Rourke, John (Smokestack Light- 

ning) Eskow and journalists Harry 

Hurt HT and Rian Malan. Entrekin. 
of course, is nothing if not cor 
dent. 

some ass," he promises. 
MARK CHRISTENSEN 


trekin. “The other 
ig business has gone 
even know who 


BENNO FRIEDMAN 


COAST-TO-COAST TOAST ie august doy in Monhonon 


in 1977, it wos just û nice, icy fontosy. "You con't drink beer oll morning ot the office,” figured Connie Best 
(left). “Fruit juices ore too heavy,” chimed in her pol Sophia Collier (right), “and sodo is full of sugar ond 
chemicals." So the duo concocted о dream soda. "II was one of those ‘Wouldn't it be greot . . * conversations 
thot you usually forget about the nex! doy,” recalls Collier, a 30-year-old gourmet cook, But instead, she 
storied experimenting in her kitchen; the neighbors raved abou! the results; and a year loter, he women hod 
scoped together $20,000 ond started Soho Natural Sodo. It pioneered three firsts: the first chemicol- 
and preservolive-free sods, the first sada made with real fruit juice ond the first flovored water. They named 
the new brand after the artsy loft neighborhood in Lower Manhattan—and their first order arrived, oppropri- 
ately, from a Soho deli. Today, Soho is praduced o! two plonts ond distributed in more thon 30 stotes, with 
retail soles of $20,000,000. Although the company hos grown so lorge that Best, 33, hod to relocole to Son 
Froncisco to keep watch over the Western half of the business, Collier remains in New York, where it oll 
began—and almost ended “In 1983, we were still pushing Ihe sados everywhere, but no one wanted to toke 
a chance on us. 1 went into the warehouse, and it was stocked to the mox; a few doys later, 1 went bock 
ond it wos empty. | thought we'd been robbed." In foct, Soho hod sold out its inventory for the first time. How did 


BENNO FRIEDMAN 
the poir celebrote? “What do you think?” laughs Collier. "We had a few beers." —SUSAN SQUIRE 


SOFTWARE SHRINK суш оге сес бо тоз. 
goin fear that Doc has nod- 
SHE'S A SCANDAL ded off behind their backs. The latest in stote-of-the-art psychotheropy is 
It takes real sass to pull off both sex and comedy; it alert to the drone of any neurosis; it’s a computer. The brain child of L.A. 
takes Sandra Bernhard, 31. “I am witty, funny, urbane, bosed psychiatrist Roger Gould, 51, the Theropeutic Learning Program 
sexy, beautiful, honest and І sing," says the modest has already been tested on 1800 people, with results, claims Gauld, that 
comic, who is also one of the most outrageous regular con be both cheaper ond more efficient than talking to another human 
guests on Late Night with David Letterman. “David and being. In defense of his 
1 have a unique relation- machine, Gould says, “Peo- 
ship. Last year, | went on ple lock at a computer ond 
the show mock pregnant. see hardware. But it is really 
Part way through, | told о humonizing agent. 
David that my water had í Gould gained fame in the 
broken, so he threw me a Seventies with his research on 
late Night sponge. | the stoges most adults go 
sponged my crotch. He thraugh os they oge. His 
walked off the show and | work oppeored in his book 
took it over" Although 
Bernhard first received 
national attention for her 
performance as the crazed 
kidnaper in Martin Sheehy. Gould then 
Scorsese's The King of turned to the computer to 
Comedy, she has turned down most of the roles offered deliver information. The 
to her since. “I'd rather have people say, ‘Why hasn't sessions are supervised by р 
Sandra done another movie?' than have them say, 'Why o theropist. "Computers save 
in the world did she do that one?" " Instead, she spends time, which is what psychia- 
much of her time on her performance-art show, sched- trists sell,” says Gould. “The 
uled for spring. “Performance art is just like one big 
cocktail party," she explains, “except that | do 
all the talking. —GENE STONE 


Transformations: Growth 
опа Change in Adult Life 
and in Passages, the 
best seller by Goil 


RICHARD CORMAN 


people who buy that time will 
get more far their money.“ 


— ROBERT P. KEARNEY 
RON MESAROS. 


PLAYBOY 


136 


DON’T PANIC (continued from page 106) 


“What I am talking about in 1988-1989 is not a 
one-bank crisis but a systemic banking crisis.” 


as a result of recession, while the supply of 
oil will rise as both Iran and Iraq now 
start to pump oil like crazy to replenish 
their national treasuries, which have been 
completely exhausted as a result of their 
prolonged war with each other. How 
much can they pump? They have a com- 
bined capacity of as much as 9,000,000 
barrels a day. Today, with all of OPEC 
restricting its output to only 17,000,000 
barrels a day, or half of its maximum sus- 
tainable capacity, the oil producers’ cartel 
is barely able to keep the price in the $15- 
a-barrel range. 

Where can we expect the price of oil to 
land at the end of 1988, when Iran and 
Iraq go their own way? My guess: some- 
where between five and ten dollars a bar- 
rel 

This would have catastrophic conse- 
quences for Mexico, which depends on oil 
exports for the majority of its foreign 
income. It would run out of dollars within 
a matter of a few months. Even with the 
best will in the world, the Mexicans would 
no longer be able to service their debts to 
the banks in El Norte. So they would 
declare default. 

But hold on, you say. Have we not been 
told that no country would ever dare do 
that? After all, would it not face fearful 
reprisals? Would not the banks in New 
York and San Francisco and Chicago cut 
it off, seize its cargo ships, its oil tankers, 
its commercial aircraft and put it back 
into the financial stone age? 

The answer used to be yes. But no 
more. Listen to what The Wall Street Jour- 
nal reported Angel Gurria, Mexico’s chief 
debt negotiator, as saying just days after 
the U.S. Government, the I.M.F. and 
banks had agreed to lend his country 
another 12 billion dollars in order to keep 
it afloat. “If cornered, our government has 
to put the interest of our people first. . 
Now it [paying interest] is an option; 
before, it was a fact.” 

An option! Well, when oil sinks below 
ten dollars a barrel once again, it is not 
too hard to imagine that the Mexicans are 
going to choose to forgo that option. 

When do the Mexicans anticipate that 
this will all begin to come down? 

One of Mexico’s leading experts on this 
subject, Professor Jorge G. Castaneda of 
the National Autonomous University of 
Mexico and the Carnegie Endowment for 
International Peace in Washington, says, 
“This bail-out only drives Mexico deeper 
into debt and postpones any lasting solu- 
tion [my italics] . . . until the end of De La 
Madrid's term in late 1988.” 

The end of 1988. That is when recession 
is probably going to hit the United States. 


That is when the price of oil is probably 
going to be driven below ten dollars a bar- 
rel. That is also the time when Mexico will 
once again run out of money. The bail-out 
referred to above was originally 12 billion 
dollars, but now another three billion dol- 
lars will probably be tacked on, for a total 
of 15 billion dollars. Mexico likely loses 
dollars at the net rate of about 
650,000,000 a month with oil at $15 a bar- 
rel. This means that it can probably last 
another 22 months—until December 
1988, at which time it will need another 
fix. At precisely that time, Mexican presi- 
dent De La Madrid's term will end, and 
he will walk away from the entir 
ble mess, leaving the way clear for 
cessor to begin his new term by wiping the 
slate clean and declaring his nation’s debt 
to be null and void as a first element of 
that “lasting solution” to his country’s 
problems. 

What would this mean for our banks? 
How much does Mexico owe them? 
According to The New York Times, it owes 
BankAmerica 2.709 billion dollars, Citi- 
corp 2.8 billion dollars, Manufacturers 
Hanover 1.8 billion dollars, Chase Man- 
hattan Corporation 1.68 billion dollars. 
The list goes on and on. And these figures 
do not include the new loans that are part 
of the 12-10-15-billion-dollar package, nor 
do they include loans to the private sector 
of Mexico. More important, Mexico is 
only the beginning of the problem. The 
total expcsure of U.S. banks to foreign 
borrowers is 295 billion dollars, and 180 
billion dollars of this is owed to the 
nation’s nine largest banks 

What would happen to these banks if 
Mexico went into default in December 
1988 and the other debt dominoes, in the 
form of Venezuela and Brazil and Argen- 
tina and Indonesia and the Philippines, 
started to totter? The answer lies with the 
people who have their money on deposit 
with these banks, especially those nine 
largest banks, which are most exposed 
How would the depositors react to the 
news that Mexico and, perhaps, other 
nations were not just on the brink of de- 
fault but were actually taking the plunge? 

Why should they react at all? What do 
they care about their banks’ problem? 
Aren't almost all deposits covered by the 
Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation? 

Unfortunately, no. 

Unbeknown to most Americans, be- 
tween 50 percent and 60 percent of all 
the deposits in those nine largest banks 
most exposed to foreign debtors are not 
retail deposits. Ninety percent of such 
deposits are over $100,000 and are not 
covered by the FDIC. Worse, more than 


half of such institutional deposits come 
from abroad. 

Now put yourself in the shoes of some- 
one managing the funds of a German 
insurance company or a British labor 
union or a Japanese bank. If a default 
process were set in motion by Mexico, 
would you continue to keep money on 
deposit with Bank of America or Citibank, 
knowing that you were uninsured? To be 
sure, logic would tell you that, somehow, 
the United States Government would have 
to step in if worst came to worst. But could 
you be 100 percent sure? 

I think that if J were in that position, I 
would say to myself, “Look, why run the 
risk of even one in 1,000,000 that the U.S. 
Government will leave us foreigners out in 
the cold? Im getting out and bringing my 
money back home, where I know how 
things stand.” 

That is exactly what happened a few 
years ago at Continental Illinois National 
Bank & Trust Company. When word got 
out that the Chicago-based bank was 
going to suffer a billion-dollar-plus loss 
chiefly because of its bad domestic energy- 
related loans, the foreign depositors 
panicked—first the Japanese, then the 
Germans and finally the British. Wi ne 
24 hours, billions of dollars in for 
deposits were yanked from the bank. Hed 
not the Feds stepped in with what ulti- 
mately amounted to 13.7 billion dollars” 
worth of liquidity, Continental Illinois 
might have gone under in what would 
have been the biggest financial fiasco in 50 
years. 

What I am talking about in 1988—1989 
is not a one-bank crisis but a systemic bank- 
ing crisis, in which every one of the top 
nine banks has become suspect and with 
them the entire financial establishment of 
the United States. 

What would the President do? Would he 
close the banks and stop the hemorrhage, 
even though the consequences might be 
that many banks would have to remain 
permanently closed or at least merged into 
viable entities, involving a process of 
financial “shrinkage” that would sink the 
entire American economy into a depres- 
sion? Or would he request that the Federal 
Reserve and the FDIC step in and simply 
replace the flecing foreign funds dollar for 
dollar? Then we would be faced with the 
“creation” of money not seen in this coun- 
try since the Civil War. For if it took 13.7 
billion dollars’ worth of refunding to save 
Continental Illinois last time, it could well 
require 137 billion dollars to save all nine 
money-center banks of the United States 
next time. 

Which leads us to three key questions: 

1. What are the odds that such a finan- 
cial crisis will actually occur within two or 
three years? 

2. If it does occur, what will be the most 
probable outcome of the crisis—i.e., will 
we sink into a deflationary depression or 
will we quickly bounce back as a result of 
massive Governmental reflation? 


3. Depending on the answers to (1) and 
(2), how, on a personal level, should indi- 
yiduals plan for such a contingency? 

The odds: Vvc run this scenario by at 
least 50 heavy hitters in banking, the oil 
business, Government and universities. 
The consensus: There is a 20 percent to 25 
percent probability we will face a major 
economic/financial crisis in 1989 or ear- 
lier. 

The outcome: Nincty percent feel that 
the solution will come in the form of mas- 
sive rcflation. 

How to plan for it? By playing it safe. 

Playing it safe. What docs that entail? 
Let's go down the short list of areas where 
the average American family is finan- 
cially exposed, either in the negative sense 
(a large mortgage) 
or in the positive 
sense (investment in 


bonds) 

Mortgages. If the 
result of a global 
financial cris 


governments 
respond by printing 
money—anybody 
with an adjustable- 
rate mortgage will 
get badly clob- 
bered. When mas- 
sive amounts ofnew 
money start to 
chase the same 
amount of goods, 
prices must rise. 
Everybody knows 
that. So inflationary 
expectations. would 
quickly soar follow- 
ing a financial 


panic. T-bill yiclds 


would go from 
five percent to 
seven percent to 


ten percent. Your 
adjustable-rate 
mortgages, which 
are related to the 
yields on U.S. Gov- 


ernment 
such as T-bills, 
would also soar 


after a time lag of a few months. Where 
mortgage rates would end up is anybody's 
guess. But remember: When the rate of 
inflation rose to 13 percent at the begin- 
ning of the Eighties, they went to 15% per- 
cent. 

So if you want to play it safe and you 
have an adjustable-rate mortgage, convert 
it to a fixed-rate onc now. 

Other debt. If you are іп the habit of 
using credit cards for credit, break that 
habit. For if reflation is the solution to the 
economic and financial troubles that lic 
ahead of us all, the interest you pay on 
your VISA or MasterCard is going to go 
up along with all other interest rates. Any- 
body who willingly pays interest rates in 


cx Youcanth 
or bourbon. 
Especially bourbon. 


8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky 


KENTUCKY STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISHEY AUSTIN NICHOLS DISTLLING CO, LAWRENCEBURG, KY © 1986 


excess of 20 percent is simply dumb. 

There is another very good reason to 
cut back on consumer debt, starting right 
now. Under the provisions of the new tax 
law, you are no longer able to fully deduct 
consumer-debt-interest payments from 
your income, meaning that Uncle Sam is 
no longer going to pick up a high part of 
that interest tab. 

How to cut back? Well, perhaps 1987 
should be the year when you postpone 
buying a new car and/or remodeling the 
kitchen and use the money that you save 
to bring your nonmortgage debt as close to 
zero as possible. 

Investments. There are basically only 
two types of investments—in financial 
assets, such as stocks and bonds, and in 


WILD 
TURKEY 


uch as real estate or gold. 
ds in which economic growth is 
accompanied by falling rates of inflation 
and of interest, the place for your money 
to be is in financial assets. Since August 
1982, we have had precisely such condi- 
tions. Thus, the prices of both bonds and 
stocks have gone up tremendously during 
the past four years, propelled by falling 
interest rates. The relationship between 
bond prices and interest rates is direct and 
automatic: When interest rates fall, bond. 
prices rise. Where stock prices are con- 
cerned, the relationship is less direct, 
However, in Paul Erdman's Money Book, 
which was published three years ago, I 
gaye the following rule of thumb: Every 


love = 


one percent decrease in the prime-interest 
rate will produce a 50-to-75-point increase 
in the Dow Jones industrial average. It has 
worked like a charm. But the joy ride in 
both the bond and the stock markets is 
almost over, in my judgment, and is 
bound to end with or without a panic in 
"89. The Federal Reserve cannot allow 
interest rates to fall much lower than they 
are today, because during the next two or 
three years, we, as a nation, must import 
hundreds of billions of dollars of foreign 
money to finance our enormous trade defi- 
cits. These capital inflows will continue 
only if investments in New York remain 
more attractive than those available in 
Tokyo, Frankfurt or Zurich—that is, only 
if the interest that foreigners can carn in 


U.S. dollars is at 
least two percent 
higher than the 


interest they could 
get if they made 
comparable invest- 
ments in yen, marks 
francs. 
Interest rates in 
those currencies are 
now about as low as 
they are going to get 
(three to four per- 
cent for short-term 
deposits). 
must maint: 
ferential of 
than two percent in 
our favor, their in- 
lerest rates dictate 


more 


ours, since their 
rates are now bot- 
toming out, our 


rates are now about 
as low as they are 
going to get in this 


decade. This also 
means, if the 
Erdman rule of 


thumb still holds, 
that the great bull 
market of the Eight- 
ies, which was pro- 
pelled by constantly 
falling interest rates, 
is about over in any. 
case. 

Should, however, these good times end 
with a bang, a panic in '89, we will no 
doubt see an enormous capital flight from 
the United States as foreigners return 
their funds to the relative safety of Japan 
and western Europe. As already sug- 
gested, such a flight would probably force 
the Federal Reserve to compensate for the 
outflows by printing money on a large 
scale, producing fears of a revival of seri- 
ous inflation in the United States, Such 
fears, in turn, would result in soaring 
interest rates and collapsing bond and 
stock prices. The Erdman rule would, 
unfortunately, also work in reverse. 

So how to play it safe? First, don't panic 
now. Both stocks and bonds probably 


137 


PLAYROY 


138 


have a little way to go. But a year from 
now, 1, for one, will be very sorely 
tempted to get out of these markets and 
go for safety and liquidity—Treasury 
bills and FDIC-insured money-market 
accounts at banks. Sure, Ill be getting 
only five to six percent while I'm parked 
there, but that's a hell of a lot better than 
leaving my money at risk and losing 25 
percent. 

Real assets. Тһе prices of real assets feed 
on inflation. We all saw the value of our 
houses increase spectacularly between 
1975 and 1982 as a result. The same phe- 
nomenon caused speculators to push the 
price of gold to $825 an ounce 

Will gold again rise as the current good 
times end? Probably. The fear of a poten- 
tial financial debacle in the United States 
at the end of this decade and an inflation- 
ary Governmental response will probably 
move the gold price back into the $500 
range. As the South Afi ituati 
worsens, it may even go higher. 

Will we also sce real-estate prices soar 
as they did during the last bout of serious 
i ion in the United States? I doubt it. 
Prices will move up another big notch, 
yes. But another doubling in five years? 
No. Although real assets will again have 
their day at the end of this decade, 1 think 
that it will be more or less just that: a day, 
even a year, but nota decade 

Why? Because even though we may well 
have a financial panic followed by refla- 
tion at the end of this decade, I think that 
the bad times will be short-lived—that 
only a moderate amount of inflation will 
prove necessary to get us over the finan- 
cial bump in the road that lies ahead, a 
bump that will cause those upward- 
spiking interest rates and downward- 
spiraling securities markets and renewed 
action in real estate and gold. Clear heads 
will prevail as it becomes evident that, 


EMPLOYMENT 
OFFICE 
ALO 4 
3NDUGTRÍ 


when all is said and done, there is really 
no alternative to the United States and its 
capital and money markets as the last safe 
haven for a large proportion of the world's 
money. When that rcalization sinks in, 
international capital will inevitably begin 
10 return to this country in vast amounts, 
and the Federal Reserve will be able to 
withdraw gradually and quietly from the 
scene 

Then, after about 12 months, things 
will settle down, and we will once again 
return to a period of renewed growth and 
moderate rates of inflation and interest 
that will extend well into the eties. 

Why this long-term optimism? 

Because we are already making changes 
in the economic parameters of this nation 
that are bound to evoke responses in the 
private sector that will put us back on the 
onward-and-upward path in the Nineties. 

Gramm-Rudman-Hollings. The spirit 
inherent in Gramm-Rudman-Hollin; 
the new law aimed at balancing the Fed- 
eral hudger by 1991, is bound to res: n 
much lower budgetary deficits. Perhaps 
the cuts won't come soon enough to head 
off financial hard times in “89, but much 
lower budgetary deficits thereafter will 
certainly contribute to a major revival of 
growth in the United States in the Nine- 
ties, when massive Government borrow- 
ngs will no longer reduce the av y 
nd raise the cost of capital needed by the 
private sector. 
he dollar. During the past 18 months, 
its value has already been cut almost in 
half relative to the yen, the mark and the 
Swiss franc. This correction is bound to 
produce major reductions in our in- 
ternaüonal-uade deficits as cur exports 
become cheaper in foreign markets, while 
imports become more expensive in ош 
markets, setting the stage for a reinvigora- 
of our export industries and a cutt 


ilabili 


"Here you are; just fill out this application 


and fill up 


this cup." 


back of foreign competition at home, with- 
out our having to resort to protectionis 
Unfortunately, all this will probably hap- 
pen too late to prevent the troubles that lie 
immediately ahead. 

The recognition of Third World delit as the 
Joint responsibility of the American Govern- 
ment and the American banks. The packag- 
ng of the 12-billion-dollar bail-out for 
Mexico exemplifies this. Also, Secretary of 
the Treasury Baker has proposed that the 
banks make available 29 billion dollars for 
future crises. The next step will probably 
be the creation of a still larger Latin- 
American debt-relief fund, designed to 
buy bad loans from the banks in order to 
kecp them solvent and to write them off in 
order to keep Mexico and Brazil afloat. 

Tax reform. The new tax bill is bound to 
increase the incentive to work in this coun- 
try. We are going to have the lowest mar- 
ginal rate of personal taxation in the 
world. 

With such changes in the economic 
framework gradually falling into place, I 
haye no doubt that the private sector in 
the United States will respond with an 
even greater dynamic in the Nineties than 
it has in the Eightics. In Silicon Vallcy 
and on Highway 128 around Boston, we 
continuc to push back technological fron- 
tiers on almost a weekly basis, thus con- 
stantly renewing the foundation for future 
economic growth. Venture capital, that 
uniquely American pool of money, contin- 
ues to be available in vast quantities. This 
is still the only country where a guy can 
walk out of Hewlett-Packard, set himself 
up in one of those famous garages in Palo 
Alto, then head up to San Francisco to see 
some investment bankers and tell them, 
“Look, Гуе got this great id but I 
need $10,000,000 to get it off the ground.” 
And have them tell him, “Look, take 
$20,000,000 and do it right!” 

Finally, entreprencurship is stronger 
today in America than ever before 
Today's kids no longer want to pitch for 
the New York Yankees. They want to be 
like Stephen Wozniak and found anoth- 
er Apple computer, then sell out for 
$100,000,000 and do all this before getting 
too old, like 27. 

So although I see a serious bump or two 
in the road ahcad, we will be able to deal 
with them and then return to an upward 
trend that will extend well into the Nine 
tics. But be careful in your financial 
dealings during the next 24 months. Be 
prepared to park your savings safely when 
the financial storm approaches. Don't 
leave yourself overexposed to creditors. 
Then, if a financial crisis occurs in '89, 
you will have no need to panic. You will 
have positioned yourself in such a way 
that you will emerge with your capital 
intact, ready to participate in the renewed 
good times of the Ninetics. Then, at least 
where you're concerned, The Panic of '89 
will have a happy ending. 


COF F EE (continued from page 84) 


roasts and styles. The latest launch is the 
Maxwell House Private Collection, a line 
of premium coffees; it should be in your 
supermarket now. Other large companies 
present similar options. Nescafe, for 
example, fields five types of instant coffee. 
Procter & Gamble’s Folgers brand is pio- 
neering high-yield flaked coffee, of which, 
presumably, less is more. Its latest pack- 
age weighs in at 11% ozs. and is said to 
yield as much brewed coffee as a pound of 


offee-making at home was changed 
radically by the introduction of the elec- 
tric drip-filter pot, which has made the 
percolator virtually obsolete: If you meas- 
ure the coffee and the water accurately, 
you'll get a good, consistent cup. Reliable 
names are Braun, Bunn, Krups, Melitta 
and Black & Decker. Some machines will 
even grind the beans and whip up cappuc- 
cino, as well as brew coffee. A clever new 
accessory, the gold-plated permanent fil- 
ter, is said to produce superior coffee, 
because it allows more flavor solids to pass 
into the coffee than do standard paper fil- 
ters. It's made with 23.8-kt. gold and 
comes from Switzerland, so, naturally, the 
name is Swiss Gold. There's also a Swi 
Gold coffee maker that brews a single cup 
ata time. 

Coffee can be a recipe ingredient and a 
baste and also happens to be a superb 
mixer. If you have a taste for it, you'll love 
the coflee-based quafls that follow. 


FAIRMONT HOTEL CHERRY FLIP 


“The coldest winter I ever spent," 
Mark Twain supposedly said, “was the 
summer I spent in San Francisco." He'd 
have loved the San Francisco Fairmont's 
heart-warming Cherry Flip, created for 
the hotel’s elegant Cirque room by bar- 


%4 oz. cherry-flavored brandy 

% oz. creme de cacao 

Hot black coffee 

Whipped cream 

Cherry with stem 

Pour brandy and liqueur into рге- 
warmed cup or mug. Add coffee—about 5 
ozs. Top with mound of whipped cream 
Garnish with cherry. 

Note: This can be made with regular or 
decafleinated coffee. 


COUNTY CORK IRISH COFFEE 


"This version is favored by the staff at the 
Midicton Distillery, County Gork, where 
most Irish whiskey is made, 

1% ozs. Jameson Irish whiskey 

4 ozs. hot black coffee 

1 rounded teaspoon brown sugar, or to 

taste 

Heavy cream, lightly beaten 

Preheat Irish-coffee goblet or heatproof 
mug. Add whiskey, coffee and sugar; 
to dissolve sugar. Top generously with col- 


lar of cream. Don’t stir; the idea is to sip 
the coffee through the cream. 

Note: For special occasions, make the 
drink with 12-year-old Jameson 1780 Spe- 
cial Reserve. A sensuous experience. 


CAFE ANTRIM 


A warming Irish potion that has made 
new friends at Manhattan's hospitable 
Pen & Pencil steakhouse, 

1 oz. Old Bushmills Irish whiskey 

1 teaspoon cognac 

% teaspoon superfine sugar 

Hot black coffee 

М, slice orange 

Shake whiskey, cognac and sugar 
briskly in shaker to dissolve sugar. Pour 
into demitasse cup or old fashioned glass. 
Fill with coffee; stir. Garnish with orange. 


CAFE ISTANBUL 
(Four servings) 


A combination of Ethiopian Harrarand 
Tanzanian Peaberry coffees is often used 
for this kind of brew—also known as 
‘Turkish coffee. 

1% cups cold water 

% cup superfine sugar 

3 tablespoons pulverized dark-roast 

coffee 

Measure water into copper or brass- 
and-tin ibrik or saucepan. Add sugar and 
bring to boil. Stir in coffee; bring to boil. 
Allow the beverage to boil up 3 more 
times, removing from heat each time 
Sprinkle with a few drops of cold water. 
Serve in demitasse cups. 


CAMPTON PLACE CAFE SONIA 


Craig Claiborne has called San Fran- 
cisco's Campton Place “one of the most 
stylish hotels to open recently.” The 
drinks are stylish, too. 

Heavy cream, chilled 

Vanilla extract 

% oz. Metaxa 7-Star 

% oz. amaretto 

Ya oz. Tía María 

Hot black coffee 

Sugar, if desired 

Lightly beat cream with few drops 
vanilla. Reserve. To warmed 7-oz. mug, 
add Metaxa, amaretto and Tia Maria. 
Pour in coffee. Taste for sweetness; add 
sugar, if desired. Top with beaten cream. 


CAFE BROLOT 


(10=12 servings) 


A distinctive version from Brennan’s, a 
distinctive New Orleans restaurant. 
-in. cinnamon stick 

8-10 whole cloves 

Peel of 2 oranges, in thin slivers 

Peel of 2 lemons, in thin slivers 

6 lumps sugar 

8 ozs. brandy, warmed 

2 ozs. curacao, warmed 

1 quart strong black coffee, hot 

Combine spices, peels and sugar in 
brálot or 2-quart chafing-dish pan; mash 
with ladle. Add brandy and curacao; 


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Y, teaspoon sugar 
1 scoop vanilla ice cream 


nite with long match. Ladle fami 
spirits back and forth from pan to bowl, 
creating the effect of a column of fire. 
When sugar has dissolved, gradually add 
hot coffee, stirring until flames bum out. 
Strain into brülot or demitasse cups. 

Nole: For safety's sake, stand back when 
igniting liquor and be sure flammable 
table decorations are out of the way. 


cracked 
goblet. 
straws and long 


iandled spoon, 
RAGTIM 


1 oz. coffee liqueur 

1 oz. brandy 

1 oz. half-and-half 

З roasted coffee beans 


THE BIG CHILL 


ark rum 

1 oz. Kablúa 

4 ozs. coffee, chilled 
Loz. cream 


Float coffee beans on top. 


Shake all ingredients but ice cream with 
x. Strain into tall glass or 12-02. 
op with ice cream. Serve with 


Vigorously shake first 3 ingredients 
with cracked ice. Strain into cocktail glass. 


GROUND RULES POR PERFECT COFFEE 


Preparing a great cup of coffee should be a 
lot of people. There are three basic elements to the task—the water, the coffee and 
the brewing. The following is all the information you need, Master it and you'll 
never ag ve inferior coffee. 


MATER 


Aet the tap run a moment or two before filling the 


e Start with fresh, cold wate: 
kettle. 

* Naturally soft water is best. The chemicals in artificially softened water flatten 
the taste of the coffee. If you're in a hard-water area or your water is overtreated, 
usc bottled (not distilled) water to ensure a first-class cup of coflce. 

* Don't overboil water. Once the kettle reaches full steam, pour the water 
promptly 


COPPER 


* Determine your favorite coffee type or blend by systematic tasting. Concentrate 
he descriptions in the text will help you zero in on 


when you taste a new collec. 1 
your preference. 

* Buy сойсс in the grind recommended for your coffee maker. (Check the instruc- 
tions.) There’s no such thing as an all-purpose grind. 

* Freshness is of paramount importance. Vacuum-packed coffee will keep for 
months as long as it's unopened. Once the package has been breached, however, 
the сойсе can deteriorate rapidly. Keep as much as you'll use in a week in the 
refrigerator; store the rest in a tightly closed container in the freezer. 

* If mail-order coflee arrives in nonvacuum packages, immediately transfer it to 
containers with tight covers, then refrigerate or freeze. 

+ Сойсе keeps better in the bean than when ground. For the very best results, buy 
beans and grind just what you need for each pot you make. Small electric coffee 
grinders do an efficient (if noisy) job and are widely available in housewares shops 
and department stores 


BREWING 


* Carefully read —and commit to memory—the instructions that come with your 
coffee maker. (See text for hints on recommended equipment.) 

* The colleepot must be scrupulously clean. Scrub it well with detergent and water 
alter each use and rinse thoroughly. with the lid partly askew, so that air 
can circulate inside. 

= Experts recommend using Y cup water (6 ozs.) and 2 level measuring table- 
spoons coffee per cup. But feel free to modify these proportions to make the collce 
stronger or weaker, depending on your taste. 

+ Clear cup markings on the side of the pot are a helpful guide as to how much 
water to add. The first time you use a pot, however, measure the water before 
pouring it and check its level against the markings to be sure they are correctly 


calibrated. 

* Use the proper size pot for the number of cups you're making. For best results, 
the pot should be filled to at least three fourths of its capacity. 

* Once the collec has finished brewing, remove and discard the grounds to avoid 
excess bitterness. 

erve coffee as soon as 105 brewed. Don't make more than vou expect to use. If 
it’s not enough, you can always make another pot. Discard leftover collee: 
reheated, it’s not fit to drink. 


COFFEE FLING 


1 oz. Scotch liqueur, Drambuie or 
Lochan Ora 


Hot black coffee 


Pour liqueur into cup. Add hot coffee to 
fill, or to taste. Stir. Add sugar, if desired. 
‘Twist lemon peel over cup to release oils, 
then discard. 


BOONOONOONOOS 


Jamaicans say boonoonoonoos is good 
news. After you taste one, you'll agree. 

Lime wedge 
ugar 

1 oz. Jamaica rum 

1 oz. coffee liqueur 

Hot black coffee 

Whipped cream 

Powdered allspice 

Run cut side of lime around rim of large 
goblet or heatproof wineglass. Invert gl 
and swirl in sugar to frost rim. Add rum 
and liqueur. Pour in coffee to withi 
Lin, of rim; stir. Taste for sweetness; 
sugar, if desired. Pile on whipped cr 
Lightly sprinkle allspice over all. 


about 


dd 


BOURBON STREET 
(30-35 servings) 


1 bottle (750 ml.) bourbon 
3 pi bl 


ck collec, at room 


temperature 

1 pint half-and-half 

4 ozs. amaretto 

1 quart ice cream, vanilla or collee— 

half-thawed 

Bitter-chocolate shavings, option: 

In large pitcher, combine bourbon, coi- 
fec, half-and-half and amaretto. Chill 
well. Place ice cream in large punch bowl. 
Slowly stir in mixture from pitcher. Deco- 
rate with chocolate shavings, if desired. 


COFFE! 


A heady blend of brandy, liqueurs and 
coffee from the Ritz-Carlton, Buckhead 
(uptown Atlanta), the dr 
ceived by bartender Julius Bustamante 

П ozs. Courvoisier 

1 oz. Kahlú; 

Ve oz. Benedictine 

7 025. hot coffee 

Unsweetened whipped cream 

Ya oz. Mozart Chocolate 

lique 

Grated white chocolate, optional 

In warmed, heatproof 12-oz. mug or 
glass, combine Courvoisier, Kahlua and 
Benedictine. Pour in hot coflec. Тор with 

ipped cream; drizzle chocolate liqueur 
on top. Sprinkle with grated white choco- 
late, if desired. 

Threepence covered the cost of an eve- 
4's entertainment in early London cof- 
fechouses. A one-penny admission charge 
entitled patrons to listen to or participate 
in the entertaining verbal ducling. The 
remaining twopence went for a bowl of cof- 
fee. Talk about inflation 


BUSTAMANTE 


was con- 


Nouga 


Stop 
Taking 
Vitamins 


If you think the vitamins you 


are now taking are doing you 
any good, wait until you hear 


the latest news on why 
they may not. 


By Joseph Sugarman 
This may come as a shock. But according 
to the latest research, those vitamins that. 
you take every day may be doing you ab- 
solutely no good. For example. 

FACT: Vitamins should be taken after 
a meal—never before. The body must first 
have protein, fats, or carbohydrates in the 
digestive tract to properly break down the 
vitamins for proper absorption. 

FACT: Your body has a need for a 
natural vitamin balance. Too much of one 
vitamin may cause another vitamin to be 
less effective. For example, vitamin A 
should be taken with Vitamin E but ex- 
cessive iron should not. 

FACT: If you take too much calcium, you 
may deplete the magnesium in your system. 
And you need magnesium to convert food 
into energy. 

FACT: Some vitamins are best taken in 
the morning and others at night. For exam- 
ple, the trace element chromium helps break 
down the sugar in your food which in turn 
creates energy—perfect to start the day. 
But at night you should take Calcium which 
has a relaxing effect—perfect for the 
evening. 

FACT: Athletes or people who exercise 
a great deal need vitamins more than peo- 
ple who don't exercise. Vitamins are 
depleted at a much faster rate during ex- 
ercise than during any other period of time. 

But there was a series of other facts that 
surprised me too. For example, despite 
everything I've just mentioned on the care 
in taking vitamins, there are those people 
who absolutely need vitamins because of the 
mental or physical activity that they 
undergo. People on a diet, under stress, 
those who smoke, women who take con- 
traceptives and even those who take 
medication—all rob their bodies of some of 
the essential vitamins and minerals that 
they need to help combat the various habits 
or conditions they are under. 

Ard with proper vitamins in the proper 
balance and at the proper times, you may 
have more energy and vitality. Little 
changes may take place. Your nails may 
become stronger, your hair may become 
lustrous and your skin may remain more 
elastic which will keep you younger-looking 
longer. 


DOCTORS HAD IDEA 
About two years ago a group of doctors 
had an idea. They realized that many peo- 
ple were taking vitamins and not really 
noticing any difference in their health. They 
also realized that, based on the latest nutri- 


Stop ЧТР) that innocent 
looking vitamin pill 

until you read — 
this report. 


P 


tional findings, the vitamins people were 
taking may not have been doing them any 
good. So they formed a group of advisors 
consisting of nutritionists, dieticians, der- 
matologists, biochemists and physicians, 
and began to work on the development of 
a vitamin program that incorporated all of 
the latest information on vitamins, 
minerals, nutrition, food processing—even 
Stress research. They realized that vitamins 
were a two-edged sword. They could either 
help you or hurt you. 

They then took all this information and 
developed the most effective combination 
of vitamins and minerals, formulated four 
tablets—one for the morning and one for the 
evening—and one for men and one for 
women and then started a test program that 
lasted over two years. The results speak for 


themselves. 


It was ideal for weight loss programs 
and it was ideal for people under stress. It 
helped many increase their energy levels. 
Smokers benefited. Some under medication 
benefited. And before long MDR Fitness 
Corp., the company that had developed the 
program became, one of the fastest grow 
ing vitamin companies in the United States. 
And no wonder. 

SEVERAL BENEFITS 

With the proper vitamin and mineral 
balance, taken in the right quantity in the 
right combination and at the right time, 
several obvious benefits occur. First, you 
may develop a better mental outlook 
because you've got the energy and the zest 
to accomplish more. As a result of the trace 
elements copper, zinc and manganese, your 
body is helped to make its natural anti-aging 
enzymes that keep you fit. Improvements 
in your vitality translate into everything 
from better job performance to a more 
fulfilling sex life. 

JS&A has been selected by the vitamin 
company to introduce their medically for- 
mulated vitamin program. Every two 
months we send you a two month's supply 
of 120 fitness tablets—one to be taken after. 
breakfast and one after dinner. 

During the first two months, you will 
have ample opportunity to notice the dif- 
ference in your energy level, your ap- 
pearance and your overal stamina. You 
should notice small changes. Your complex- 
ion may even take on a glow. Some of you 
may notice all of these changes and others 


/ 


may notice just a few. But you should notice 
some of them. 

If for any reason, you do not notice a 
change, no problem. Just pick up your 
phone, and tell us not to send you any more 
vitamins. And if you're dissatisfied and ask 
for a refund, you won't even have to send 
the empty bottle back. It's yours free for 
just giving us the opportunity to introduce 
our vitamins. However, if you indeed do 
notice a difference (which we are confident 
you will), you'll automatically receive a two- 
month's supply every eight wecks. 


ONE MORE INCENTIVE 

I'm also going to give you one more in- 
centive just to let me prove to you how 
powerful this program really is. I will send 
you a bonus gift of a fitness bag with your 
first order. This beautiful bag will hold all 
your fitness gear and it's great too for short 
vacation trips. It's a $20 value but it's yours 
free for just trying the vitamins. Even if you 
decide not to continue, you keep the fitness 
bag. I am so convinced that you will feel and 
see a difference when you take these 
vitamins that I am willing to gamble on it 
with this unusual offer. 

Vitamins indeed are important. And 
with today's research and new nutrition 
technology, you have a greater chance to. 
achieve the fitness and health levels that 
may have eluded you with the typical store 
vitamins or the poor advice we may get in 
health food stores or from friends. Here is 
a safe, risk-free way to get one of the best 
vitamin programs in the country, for- 
mulated by a physician, with the right com- 
bination of vitamins, minerals and trace 
elements, in a convenient program that 
assures you of delivery every two months. 
I personally take and highly recommend 
them. Order your trial quantity, today. 

To order, credit card holders call toll free 
and ask for product number (shown in 
parentheses) or send a check and include 
$2.50 for delivery. 

Men's Vitamins (1155PSM) .........$24 
Women's Vitamins (1156PSM) 124 


(o) 


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CALL TOLL FREE 800 228-5000 
TL residents add 7% sales tax. OJS&A Group, Inc..1986 


141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


EASY RIDER 


(continued from page 92) 
so Mom hired dentists to come out to our 
clinic. I took care of the books.” 

The move to Alaska was more than a 
change of scenery for Julie; it was also a 
radical change in lifestyle. “Growing up in 
Maryland, I was kind of a loner and I 
spent most of my time with horses. I took 
track horses that weren’t very good at rac- 
ing and retrained them as competition 
horses. So, on the one hand, when I think 
of Maryland, I think of riding over rolling 
hills and meadows. But on the other hand, 
people there are very traditional.” 

By contrast, Alaska was both confining 
and liberating. “For the first time in my 
life, 1 was away from horses and had no 
place to channel that energy. But I began 
to love the people in Alaska. The state 
offers so many opportunities that the peo- 
ple there always have an attitude of “Try 
it, go for it, whatever it is?” 

To work off some of her excess energy, 
Julie signed up at Gold's Gym, now called 
The Fitness Connection, in Anchorage 
and began bodybuilding with free weights. 
We comment that if people passing by the 
gym could see her through the window, 
she'd probably be a one-woman member- 
ship drive, and she recalls, “Actually, a 
guy І met at the gym told me that he'd 
seen me working out there one afternoon 
and immediately bought a membership. 
Then he didn’t see me again for several 
months and he was thinking of suing the 
gym for false advertising.” 

Julie is torn between whether to call 


“Remember, 


Alaska or Maryland home. “The land in 
Maryland makes me feel that that’s my 
home, but the people in Alaska are special.” 

One thing that takes her back to Mary- 
land is her father, who works for the 
Government. “My father and my older 
brother were always the two people I 
looked up to the most,” she says. “I think 
my father is a tremendously handsome 
man. To me, he looks like one of the Marl- 
boro men. Even now, I’m always attracted 
to men who remind mc of him.” 

Does that mean that a guy who doesn't 
have a lean, muscled body and a chiseled 


jaw line hasn't a chance with her? “Oh, of 


course not. Sure, I like men with hard bod- 
ies, but that doesn't mean I couldn't fall 
in love with a guy who doesn't have one." 

The last time we talked with Julie, she 
was visiting her father and making up for 
lost horseback time. Her next trip would 
be to Los Angeles, where Playboy Man- 
sion West will be her base camp as she 
starts her promotional appearances as 
Miss February. We asked if she was pre- 
pared for another culture shock when she 


arrived in Hollywood, “Well, I'm aware of 


the temptations of the Hollywood fast 
life,” she answered, “but remember that 
there's a lot of money in Alaska, and just 
about any experience you can have in Hol- 
lywood you can also have in Anchorage. I 
don't think ГІЇ run into any dangers or 
temptations 1 haven't already seen. Well, 
with one exception. They tell me that ГЇЇ 
be picked up at the airport and driven to 
Playboy Mansion West in a limousine. Pm: 
going to enjoy that.” 


if you are not completely 


satisfied, fuck you.” 


FLIGHT PAY 


(continued from page 110) 
California coupon broker for brokering 
AAdvantage awards. It will also be inter- 
esting to gauge industry reaction to 
United’s new policy restricting transfer of 
some mileage awards. Clearly, turbulent 
times lie ahead for the “high fying” cou- 
pon brokers 

The mergers of Northwest Orient with 
Republic, Eastern with Continental and 
NY Air and Delta with Western will 
undoubtedly pressure the other large car- 
riers to beef up their promotions and 
awards. Each of the programs claims to 
have the most aggressive marketing and 
the most accessible awards. Over the past 
two years, the major programs have com- 
peted heavily for business; yet at the same 
time, they have maintained or increased 
the mileage necessary to win free travel 

‘The exception to this rule is Northwest, 
which has lowered its requirements for 
one free domestic ticket to the 20,000-mile 
level. Fran Tarkenton was quarterbacking 
Northwest’s media blitz on television last 
year and in newspapers to ensure that 
even people who don't remember him will 
remember “The Score.” 

Airline programs can be ranked by 
types of awards offered, ease of attainment 
and the quality and quantity of their tic- 
ins. Keep in mind, however, that the top 
programs all offer excellent awards and 
provide countless opportunities to in- 
crease mileage. 


AMERICAN/PAN АМ: AADVANTAGE/WORLDFASS 


"The merger of these programs combines 
Pan Am's casc of mileage attainment and 
cxotic routes with Amcrican's excellent 
service and domestic routes and offers 
international-travel opportunities based 
on the mileage level. Take advantage of 
WorldPass’ new value-added program 
and win free travel in both programs 
simultancously. The AAdvantage/World- 
Pass combination allows for mileage accu- 
mulation and free-travel awards virtually 
world-wide. 


UNITED AIRLINES: MILEAGE PLUS 


Mileage Plus offers strong program part- 
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PLAYBOY 


144 


ED BEGLEY, JR. continued from page 131) 


“Jack Nicholson told me, ‘Go for the leading-man 
parts, Begs. Youre lookin’ like a то-то. Go leader!” ” 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Defend game shows 

BEGLEY: I love "em. lve been a celebrity 
contestant on all of them: $25,000 Pyra- 
mid. Wheel of Fortune, Body Language, 
Hollywood Squares Match Game Hour. Tat- 
Пе Tales. I've been giving it a rest lately, 
not that 1 feel aloof. Quite the opposite. 
My friend Dabney Coleman told me a 
couple years ago to stop doing them. I 
said, “But, Dabney, I really enjoy them. I 
mean, Г pay (Лет to let me play the 
games!” So he said, OK, play them. But 
six months , he told me, “I 
don't care if y People 
don't think of you as an actor if you're 
doing game shows.” That’s very un 
nate; you should be able to do what you 
want, but it doesn’t seem to work that 
way. Those shows, for me, are a great 
rush. My biggest regret is having to give 
up the Pyramid. 105 the best game 
around. 


7. 


PLAYBOY: Your first acting job was a role on 
My Three Sons. Whats something only a 
17-year-old would observe about Fred 
MacMurray? 

BEGLEY: 1 seem to remember he packed a 
sack lunch. He wouldn't go eat at the com- 
missary. 1 thought it unusual ] don't 
know was a dictary or a incial con- 
sideration. Well, actually, it must have 
been dietary, because he could certainly. 
flord to cat Van Nuys for lunch if he 
wanted. He portion of 
what's now Century City, Í think. He's a 
very nice guy. 

On the show, though, I played a fi 
of Chip's who tricked him into dati 
girl with a broken leg. I w: 
what I mber best was th 
of finally getting to 
attraction to the trappings of it yon know, 
standing in front of the camera, under the 
lights, with the make-up on. In fact, 1 left 
my make-up on when I went on my paper 
route that afternoon, hoping that some- 
body would notice and ask me about it. 1 
had always been very pale, so I liked the 
way it looked. Gave me a little sheen, а lit- 
tle color. I'm not exactly a tanned individ- 
al, even today. 


once owned a 


nd 
ga 
a shyster. But 


X 


8. 


rLAVEOY: Assemble a random retrospe 
, with running commentary, of your 
most forgettable cameo roles in television 
and fil 
neciry: Got a week? I've done little pa 
in maybe 40 movies and about 100 televi- 
sion jobs before St. Elsewhere. In This Is 
Spinal Tap, L played the drummer who 


died in a bizarre gardening accident. Total 
screen time of about a minute. My arm 
was yanked off in Cat People. 1 was killed 
by a frying pan in Eating Raoul. 1 was a 
C.B. priest in Citizens Band. My meatiest 
film role was in Transylvania 6-5000; 
unfortunately, the meat was chuck roast. I 
belonged to a dub that was hazing Potsie 
and Ralph Malph on Happy Days until the 
Fonz exposed us. On Room 222, 1 was 
usually the gangly basketball player, 
Stretch Webster. On The Doris Day Show, 
I played the mail-room boy who tried to 
impress everybody with his beard, only 
you couldn't see it. My voice was in Ordi- 
nary People, during the flashback sc 
where they're putting Timothy Hutton 
into the ambulance, When somebody 
yells, “Watch your backs"'—that's me. 

Oh, and lets not forget my Disney 
years. I made a lot of those Kurt Russell 
movies: The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, 
Now You See Him, Now You Dont, 
Superdad, and so on. Thinking back, 1 
don't know if they wanted to hire me as 
much as they did my glasses. I had these 
unusual sort of geeky looking glasses then, 
These weren't props that I kept in a 
they were my strect 
Whenever the casting guy from 
would call, he'd say, “You're 
bringing the glasses, right? Don't forget 
the glasses.” 


9. 


pLaynov: Compare Ed Begley, Sr., with Ed 
Begley, Jr. 

I promised myself that I would 
never be anything like him, typical of 
father-son relationships. He died right 
after my (ссп years, but we had some good 
times together before he passed away, 
thank God. a lot of the tone of our 
relationship remains, and this is the arca 
in which Pm exactly like him, For instance, 
he had a short temper about things 
around the house, which he used sarcasm 
to deal with. 1 developed that myself, 
though Гус tried to eliminate it. Rather 
than say, “Listen, would you please water 
the lawn?” the approach was, “Eddie, 1 
don’t want you watering that lawn! Sit 
down here. You've had a hard day watcl 
ing TV, damn it!” I don't know that this is 
the best way to motivate your kids. 

On camera, of course, he was consid- 
ered one of the great angry actors. But 
right up to the moment they'd start roll- 
ing, he was the nicest guy on the set. He 
long with all the Teamsters, the elec- 
, the grips. 1 fancy myself that way 
as well. Also, he had a very quick gait. He 
would move from point A to point B at 


great speed. As a kid, I thought that was 
the way you walked. And I have longer 
legs. So when I go to the comer store, 1 
really boogie. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: Is it true that you broke your 
father’s Oscar? 
BEGLEY: My father had the 
supporting-actor Oscar in 1962 for Sweet 
Bird of Youth, and whenever we went on 
vacations, he took it with him. He had a 
ttle velvet sheath to cover it and he car- 
ried it in the back of the car. People would 
ask to have their pictures taken with him 
and he'd get out the Oscar. Hed say, 
“Here, look. Heavy, isn't it?” People 
would hold it for photographs, you know. 
Now, I personally don’t remember 
spending a lot of time holding it. One 
summer, though, we were at Los Angeles 
Airport and he asked me to hold it while 
he went for our tickets. I was kind of nerv 
ous about touching it, and 1 somehow 
fumbled and dropped it, loosening the 
base. He came back: “OK, Eddic, Pve got 
the tick—— What the hell have you done, 
boy? Ehh-deceece! Ehh-deceee!" I mean, he 
had that voice. No need for corporal 
punishment—the voi 
make you think you were going to dic. In 
the end, the Academy's trophy shop fixed 
it, and it sits, repaired, on my mantel to 
this day. 


won 


PLAYBOY: Whats the most impossible 
advice your friend Jack Nicholson ever 
gave you? 

вестку: Just recently, he told me [doing a 
perfect Nicholson], “Go for the 
man parts, Begs” He'd seen me doi 
some silly stuff on television and he said, 
“What do you want to do that for, Beg? 
You need that stuff? Go for the leading 
man, Beg. Don't make the move on the 
game show. You're out there doin’ some 
John Denver ski thing, lookin’ like a mo- 
mo. Don't do it to me, Beg. Go leader!” 

I don't fancy myself a leading man. I'd 
really like to play a villain with arched 
eyebrows, though. I don’t always w: to 
be the lovable, goofy jerk, which is how 
people usually see me. I want to be evil. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: You had a drinking problem in 
the Seventies that you've always been 
open about. Can you recall the worst 
night in your alcoholic life? 

BE It wasn't even a night. It was a 
day. | was ata bar and it was one of those 
days when you can’t get drunk anymore. I 
, you're drinking, but you can't get 
. Amd you can" get sober, either. 
You can’t wash the pain away. You're 
caught in this terrible limbo that you 
know will end in extreme physical pain 
It's like a bad movi Г 
feeling. Most people with grave alcoholic 
problems get to that point. You can 


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145 


PLAYROY 


146 


¢ your central nervous system 
for only so long, and then, finally, there's a 
note that’s due and payable. You just keep 
rolling over the interest for however long 
drunk, But one day it has to come 
That, for me, was rock bottom. 


13. 


nayuoy: Tell us something about John 
Belushi that we don’t know already. 
ако: John really saved my neck when 
we were making Goin’ South in Mexico 
with Jack. 1 had gotten into the foolish 
habit of entering drinking contests with 
Jack’s now-deceased uncle, Shorty Smith, 
who was a great guy with great stories. We 
got along right were both 
quart-a-day vodka men. These contests 
went on for a while and I never won. I got 
kind of ill in the competition, Belushi saw 
that I was headed for great disaster and 
physically dragged me out of the hotel 
lounge. He said, “Соте on, you've spent 
enough time in here. We're going outside. 
Гус rented a car.” I hadn't really been 
outside the saloon the whole time I was 
there. He and his wile, Judy, took me for 
rides around the Mexican countryside. We 
had great times together. 

When my daughter Amanda was born, 
he bought this beautiful little pink quilt as 
a gift, which he kept in New York until he 
came to L.A. to see her. It seems he took 
such a liking to the quilt that he started 
using it himself, snuggling under it for 
watching TV. He didn’t want to give it 
up. Finally, Judy reminded him that 
they'd bought it for a small child. So when 
they came to L.A., he made it a point to 
tell me that he had grown quite attached 
to this little blanket and what a sacrifice it 
was to give it up. He was a greal guy. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: There was a low point in your 
carcer when you chucked acting to be- 
come a cameraman. Ultimately, which is 
harder work? 

BEGLEY: Oh, the camerawork is much 
harder. I was an assistant cameraman, 
which involved maintaining the camera, 
loading the ma; , threading them 
through, doing the follow 
business. 1 worked on a lot of location 
shooting for low-budget movies. Pd be a 
human tripod, then carry the camera 
around deserts in the heat. All this equip- 
ment is ver y, too. It's a hard gig. 
But Гус never been one of those actors 
who sit around waiting for the phone to 
ring and enrolling in more classes. I 
always wanted to make a living. So I was 
not averse, as recently as five years ago, to 
taking some carpentry jobs, putting up 
dry wall and framing work. I have no 
pride in that area, No way. 


15. 


Let's not overlook your short- 
nd-up-comic years. Why was it 


PLAY BC 
lived st 


that you got no respect? 
sEcLEv: Actually, Гуе painted a kind of 
gloomy picture of my night-club act. Sev- 
cral people who were there at the time 
have taken exception and seem to have 
thought it was really good. I thought 
about it and realized I had had only about 
three bad nights over four years of inten- 
sive stand-up. During the early Seventies, 
I did clubs, colleges and concerts and 
opened for Dave Mason, Canned Heat, 
Loggins and Messina, Poco, Neil Sedaka, 
my good friend Don McLean. And, basi- 
cally, I couldn't do it anymore. I got tired 
of my material and, eventually, I haled my 
act. Га do characters, you know, like this 
musician named Bernie Synapse, who 
didn’t play an instrument, which he felt 
would have been all part of “the same cap- 
ic scheme, man.” Instead, he played 
his body. So I'd rap out this tune on my 
actual person. In case you're wondering, I 
hit the high notes on my checks. 


16. 


FLAYBOY: Most comics can't get arrested, 
yet you did. Tell us about it 

g the Troubadour on 
Santa Monica. My opening piece was 
always a cop routine for which I wore an 
authentic uniform that I'd made. I would 
be introduced as “Officer Ed Begley, West 
Hollywood Police Di sion.” Pd take the 
stage and “Hi, kids, I'm 
here tonight to rap with you about a prob- 
lem we're having in the community. I’m 
talking about drugs, and we'll be discuss- 
ing the whole gamut: the reds, the yellows, 
downers, dragonflies, snapping turtles— 
everything from the first reefer to the final 
needle in the arm and trip to the morgue.” 
It was supposed to be a put-on, though it 
prophesied what would come later in my 
life, since I came real close to checking out 
from chemical imbalances myself. Any- 
way, this was my most popular bit. 

On the evening in question, I had gone 
out to my car to get some props. My luck, 
a sheriff's-department car was in the 
parking lot. The cops were waiting to nab 
some guy who'd done something nefari- 
ous. They were instantly confused by my 
L.A.P.D. uniform, because this wasn't 
technically L.A.P.D. territory. They very 
quickly realized that I wasn’t from the 
L.A.P.D. at all, and they were naturally 
te pissed. I said, “Wait, I’m just play- 
ing here! I'm just an actor! Do you go onto 
the set of Adam 12 and arrest Kent 
McCord and Marty Milner?” 

I was taken to the station, where I fig- 
ured I'd be able to talk to someone with 
an above-Cro-Magnon mentality. When 
the desk sergeant did a knuckle walk over 
to where I stood, I knew I was in big trou- 
ble. I was put in county jail with some 
very serious offenders and waited three 
days to go to trial. Very high bail, very se- 
rious crime—impersonating an officer. 
But I found that I did some of my funniest. 


work in the jail cell. I was going a mile a 
minute. You know, you want to keep their 
minds off olher things. 


17. 


PLAYDOY: Describe your business card. 
BEGLEY: Where did you hear about (his? 
Currently, it says, ED BEGLEY, JR. SINCE 1949. 
A simple bit of chronology, really. Pve 
had several business cards, however. 
From about 1974 on, my card read, ED 
BEGLEY, JR., SERVING THE WORLD. By 1982, I'd 
decided that serving the world had gone 
on long enough—too much responsibility 
for one guy. So I changed it to ED BEGLE 


JR, HOLLYWOOD PHONY. People didn't know 


quite how to take that. | can't imagine 
why. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Women in Hollywood arc said to 
bc attracted to you. What's your allure? 
BEGLEY: No! Who told you that? Jeez, I 
don't know. . . . That's a good question. I 
love women. And 1 love my wife. It's truc 
that I have a lot of women friends, with 
whom I get along very well. I guess part of 
it is that they feel safe knowing I'm not 
going to make any moves on them 
"There's no confusion for a moment. But, 
mainly, here's what it is: I find a good 
audience in women. They seem to like a 
sense of humor; they like to laugh. When 
I'm around women, | always feel the nced 
to entertain them. I perform. 1 have my 
good nights and my bad nights, but the 
good secm to outnumber the bad. Perhaps 
they like me for that reason. Jeez. . . - 


19. 


pLavnoy: Do Valley boys ever grow up? 
BEGLEY: It’s funny you should ask. I was 
thinking about that today. In some ways, 
I grew up around the time I turned 30. In 
other ways, I still haven't grown up. Um 
very childish, even though I’m the father 
of two kids, Sometimes they’re more adult 
than I am. I never get serious unless I 
think it's needed—and it's rarely needed. 
I seem to take child raising very lightly. 
They're like peers. We're always rolling 
around on the carpet. lm constantly play- 
ing jokes on them, making empty thre’ 
and insane statements. They'll be c. 
their cereal and PII say, “You get right to 
bed, right now!” “What have we done?” 
“ГИ think of something!” Of course, they 
don't move. This is good for discipline 
Basically, I’ve ruined two children’s lives, 
but they have a good time. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: When are you at your absolute 
smoothest? 

BEGLEY: When I'm roller-skating. That's 
my smoothest. I walk in a clumsy fashion 
and I look very silly when I’m dancing. I 
have no dancing skills, though I overcom- 
pensate with a great deal of energy. But 
when Гуе got my skates on, I look great. 
I've always skated 


ILLEGAL PROCEDURE? „аео 


“Drug tests are illegal, expensive, inaccurate, 
stupid—and those are their comforting aspects.” 


whether or not it’s a problem. And once 
we start doing something, we often lose 
sight of whether or not that something is 
the thing to do. I give you Vietnam, just 
for instance. 

Drug abuse is a problem. But the real 
solutions—education, rehabilitation and 
medical rescarch—are difficult, complex 
and uncertain of success. In other words, 
the real solutions are like reality itself. 
And reality has never been anything poli- 
ucians could stand much ol. Besides, some 
of the solutions to the drug problem 
politically suicidal. One of the most terr 
ble proven side effects of illegal drug use is 
jail. Jail will screw your life worse than a 
Glad bag full of dafly dust. But with drug 
hysteria in the air, no politico is going to 
advocate legalization of even the lamest 
grade of Oaxacan ditch weed. And drug 
education, to be effective, would be con- 
troversial, too. It would have to speak the 
truth. We can't tell monsters-under-the- 
bed stories if we want children to believe 
us about dope. We can't tell them that 
they'll turn into hydrocephalic unwed wel- 
fare mothers if they get downwind from 
one whiff of k. Children are dumb 
enough to try drugs, but they aren't dumb 
enough to listen to that, 

Drug tests are no solution whatsoever. 
They're just a method of avoiding the 
problem, and not a harmless method, 
cither. Drug tests are inaccurate. The Fed- 
eral Centers for Disease Control studied 
13 drug-testing laboratories from 1972 to 
1981. They found that only one out of 11 
of those laboratories could test accurately 
lor cocaine—and the GDC considered 80 
percent accuracy acceptable. Gommon 
urine-analysis tests for marijuana can 
show false-positive results from painkillers 
such as Advil or Nuprin. Contac can trig- 
ger false positives for amphetamines, And 
tonic water can make it look as if you're 
shooting smack. Even the most sophisti- 
cated gas-chromatography and таз 
spectrometry tests are accurate in only the 
95 percent range. This means that one out 
of 20 people tested could end up driving a 
school bus on LSD or going to jail because 
he sipped a g. and t. last week. 

A person who got a false-positive result 
on а drug test and held one of those ill- 
defined sensitive jobs would face . 
hardly have the stomach to write about it. 
At best, he would, like Hamilton Jordan in 
the Carter Administration, emerge from a 
bureaucratic tag-team match and an ugly 
court fight with his reputation indelibly 
smeared. No doubt some Government 
agency will be established to prevent such 
miscarriages of justice. Government agen- 
cies being what they are, that should make 


things much worse 

And drug tests are expensive. The most 
accurate kind costs $100 each, which gives 
new meaning to the phrase piddling sum. 
Between $200.000,000 and $300,000,000 a 
ycar is already being spent on drug test- 
ing. The military alone spent $47,600,000 
in fiscal 1985. And The New York Times 
estimates that if annual drug tests were to 
be given to the entire U.S. work force, the 
cost would be several billion dollars, Sure- 
ly, there is something we need several bil- 
lion dollars’ worth of more than we need 
several billion dollars’ worth of falsely 
accused citizens and scot-free hopheads. 

But even if drug tests were free and 100 
р t accurate, they would still Бе 
unconstitutional. There is going to be a lot 
of legal rhubarb over this, and I don’t 
know what a Rehnquist-led Supreme 
Court is finally going to decide, But I take 
the same attitude toward the Constitution 
as Reformation Protestants took toward 
the Bible: Anyone can read it and witness 
the truth thereof. Amendment Four is per- 
fectly straightforward: 


The right of the people to be secure 
in their ns, houses, papers and 
effects against unreasonable searches 


and seizures shall not be violated, 
and no warrants shall issuc but upon 
probable cause, supported by an oath 
or affirmation and particularly de- 
scribing the place to be searched and 
the persons or things to be seized. 


It’s hard to see how scatter-shot drug 
testing could be legal under the Fourth 
Amendment, no matter how particularly 
the Government describes the way you 
take a leak. 

And the Fifth Amendment is also clear: 
“No person . . . shall be compelled in any 
criminal case to be a witness against hi 
self." If using the contents of your bladder 
as evidence isn't making you a witness 
against yourself, then I suggest that crap- 
ping on a Chief Justice isn't assault and 
battery. 

Furthermore, the president of Beth 
Israel Hospital in New York has been 
quoted as saying that during drug tests, 
someone "must watch each person urinate 
into a bottle. If that is not done, it's a 
sham." I haven't gonc through the Consti- 
tution with a finc comb, but I’m sure our 
founding fathers wouldn't have let this 
nation get off the ground without putting 
something in there about going to the 
bathroom alone. 

Drug tests are illegal, expensive, inac- 
curate, stupid—and those are their com- 
forting aspects. More frightening is what 
widespread drug tests would do to our 
country. They would create a national 
atmosphere of distrust, resentment and 


"How about coming back to my place and ГИ explain 
the new tax law to you?" 


147 


PLAYBOY 


148 


demoralization. We all remember how we 
felt when Dad sniffed our breath for beer 
alter we came home on Saturday night. 
We all remember how we acted when 
Mom went through our dresser drawers 
looking for cigarettes, rubbers and knives. 
And we remember what we wanted to do 
when our parents peeked through the rec- 
room door to sce if we'd gotten to second 
base with our dates. Does any country in 
right mind want an entire population 
g this way about its Government? We 
have a nationwide outbreak of adoles- 

tantrums, sulks and screaming 


cent 
matches, except that this time it will be 


the grownups doing it and the mom-and- 
pop elected officials will find themselves 
grounded without TV for a year. 

But it will be worse yet if the nation 
doesn’t blow up. We will have allowed the 
Government to make an unprecedented 
and probably irreversible intrusion into 
our private lives. This is the first step 
toward totalitarianism. Of course, it won't 
be the bread-line-and-barbed-wire totali- 
tarianism the Russi have. It will be 
an all-American, clean-cut, safety-first, 
Goody Two-shoes totalitarianism under 


which everybody takes care of his health, 
keeps his lawn nice and never, сусг does 
anything naughty or dirty or fun. And 
there won't be any troublesome, offbeat 
creative people left to screw it up, cither. 
Try giving drug tests to the great men of 
arts and letters. There go Coleridge, Рос, 
Freud, Rimbaud, Aldous Husley and Jimi 
Непагі 

1 can think of only one good thing about 
drug tests: All important Government offi- 
cials will have to take them, and we'll get 
to watch. Thats a nonnegotiable de- 
mand. We will get to stand and stare while 
the powers that be go potty. This is a 
democracy, and we're all equal before the 
law. If they don't trust us, why should we 
trust them? I think this will be a salutary 
experience. The high and the mighty will 
be humbled in the public eye, always a 
good thing. And—when it comes to cer- 
tain more bellicose members of Congress 
and the Administration—we, the people, 
will find out once and for all if there’s any- 
thing to this overcompensation busi 
we heard about in Psych 101. 


“Ah! Lean Cuisine.” 


VIEW FROM COURTSIDE 


(continued from page 58) 
Everyone is trying to express the problem 
graphically, but nothing can be more 
poni than seeing a talented player like 
Len Bias end his life at 22, 1 do under- 
stand individual rights, but 
problem at hand, the testing is justified. 

We've had a drug-testing program at 
North Carolina State, but 
tary. We in the athletic department think 
that mandatory drug testing is appropri- 
ate, and we want to enforce it strictly. On 
the first offense, the player is gone. We 
aren't a rehab program, and we aren't 
saying that certain substances are OK. We 
have 24 varsity sports here, and not one 
coach has a dissenting opinion, 

We've just completed our first round of 
random drug testing this year, and we 
haven't had one athlete, male or female, 
test positive. But you temper that with the 
knowledge that the most important drug 
we're trying to catch—cocaine—is the 
most difficult one to test for. 

That's why the faculty members here 
are not quite sure whether or not they 
want drug testing. Marijuana remains in 
your system for a long time, so if some- 
body smokes a joint in December and you 
test hii late January, you're going to 
But cocaine goes through your 
system in 36 hours. So you can spend big 
money on tests that tell you your players 
are drug-free, and they may not be. 

"There's a lot of speculation about what 
causes the drug problem. Is it pressure? 1 
haven't seen that with the kids Гуе 
coached. These kids grow up with pres- 
sure. If you're а good basketball player, 
that’s established when you're a high 
school freshman, and you're going to live 
with guys like me coming from all over the 
country to watch you play. Athletes today 
are more mature because of that. 

The kids are still playing a game and 
enjoying it. [Former North Carolina State 
star] Spud Webb said that the place he 
feels most at home is on a basketball 
court. Everyone wants to put the blame on 
this “win at all costs” ethic of coaching, 
but kids can cope with winning and losing 
better than anything else they have to 
cope with. Maybe the pressure comes 
afterward, in social situations and media 
situations. Maybe we have to prepare kids 
better for their lives off the court. 


IKE KRZVZEWSKI, HEAD BASKETBAL 
DUKE UNIV 


I'm a hard-lincr, a discipl 
have a real problem with drug testing. We 
don't have it at Duke. I’m not convinced 
that that’s the way to go. I would question 
whether drug testing is being used to help 
the kids or if it’s just a move to cover your 
ass. Why should a college player have to 
subject himself to that? He's not getting 
paid. 

Our emphasis on the drug problem is in 
the wrong place. I’m looking at the other 


side: where it starts, not where it finishes. 
I'm angry at the people who sell drugs. 
Why don't we use the money that goes 
into drug testing to hire undercover people 
оп the campus? 

We probably have not done our jobs as 
far as counseling the kids or increasing 
drug awareness is concerned. We have a 
drug-awareness program at Duke, and we 
kecp in as close touch as we can to help a 
youngster through a problem that might 
lead him to take drugs. But because of 
recruiting responsibilities, we are taken off 
the campus at critical times, so we don’t 
have the interaction we should with our 
players. 

Most of the time during the nonplay- 
ing season, the coaches are out chasing 
recruits, During the season, if we have a 
free night, we're going out to see a high 
school kid for the 12th time, even though 
we already know he’s good enough to play 
in our program. I always ask a recruit, 
“When you're playing at Duke, do you 
want me on the road or with you in prac- 
tice?” They all say, “I want you in prac- 
tice.” 

But still, if one coach keeps sending a 
player flowers all the time—in other 
words, showing up at his games—that 
player may be swayed by that. That's 
where the N.C.A.A. could step in and 
limit the evaluation period. The only 
that’s really enforceable in recruit- 
ing is the dead period, when you're not 
allowed to be on the road. We need more 
dead periods. 


RED AUERBACH, GENERAL MANAGER 
BOSTON CELI 


Гус been an advocate of unannounced 
drug testing from day one. I know that it’s 
an invasion of privacy, but there comes a 
time when you've got to put this altruistic 
hts stuff down the toilet, find out 
who’s using drugs and take it from there. 

Athletes are targets because of their 
leadership. Drug sellers approach them in 
50 ways, because they know that if they 
get an athlete hooked, other students will 
say, “Hey, if my hero does it, what the 
hell; I may as well do it, too.” 

That's why it’s so important to have 
drug tests. Ifa player starts in with drugs, 
you can spot it early, call him in, have a 
long chat and change his whole mode of 
life. And more drug tests should be don 
on a high school or even junior high school 
level. A high school athlete is less mature 
and less aware of the ramifications of get- 
ting involved, so he's a better target 
When the kid goes from there to college, 
the contact has already been made. 

Im not a great believer in the psychiat- 
ric approach to drug counseling. 1 do 
think college players arc entitled to some 
help with their schoolwork because of the 
amount of time they spend away from 
class. If somebody counted the number of 
days that players miss because of practice, 
road trips, tournaments, charitable ap- 
pearances and TV, it would really add up. 


"They've got to have somebody to help out. 
‘That's why [Georgetown's] John "Thomp- 
son and [Indiana's] Bobby Knight are so 
great. They tell their players, "Hell, we 
won't let you go; that's all. 

Colleges should also give athletes five 
years on scholarship to complete their 
coursework, because of the unusual de- 
mands on their time. For example, if à 
team makes the Final Four in basketball, 
the players are out pretty near a month. 
That's ridiculous. Unless the guys are 
geniuses, it's impossible for them to keep 
vp with their studies. Len Bias failed, and 
people made a big issue of it. Everybody 
blamed Lefty, but there wasn't anything 
he could do about it. There was no way 
the kid could get to class. 

"The thing to do about the drug problem 
is to continue building awareness, so that 
the ballplayers will know that they'd 
better watch their step. You've got to 
make the penalty for taking drugs strong. 
enough, because the biggest deterrent is 
fear: fear cf not getting a scholarship to 
play ball, fear of being thrown off the 
team, fear of being deprived of a profes- 


sional career. 


DEN 


СКОМ, HEAD BASKETBALL COACH, 
UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE 


To our knowledge, we've never had a 
drug problem at Louisville, but that 
doesn't mean we couldn't. We've insi- 
tuted a prevention program, and we drug- 
tested all last year on a random basis. We 
have our own equipment, and we'll con- 
tinue to use it. 

Last year, in the pre-season, we also 
had a professional group that does drug- 
prevention and rehabilitation work spend 
16 hours in a seminar with our team, 
We're doing it again this year. I was not in 
the mectings—this was just between the 
professionals and the players. They talk 
about all aspects of drug abuse: what it 
does, what people think it does, how to say 
no, how to know when somebody is 
involved. 

Education will make the difference. Im 
cally pleased to see the President and 
псу Reagan make a public issue of it. I 
think that in itself could help. And to me, 
that’s a step in the right direction. When 
they get behind ES I think people. 
will fall in line. 


JERRY TARKANIAN, HEAD BASKETBALL. COACH, 
UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA, LAS VEGAS. 


You need drug testing. I don't think you 
can continue to have intercollegiate athlet- 
or even professional athletics if the pay- 
ing customer doesn’t trust the kids who 
are playing. I certainly wouldn't want to 
see a pro team playing and find out that 
the guys were on drugs. 

We're in our third year of random drug 
testing at UNLV. The first time we did it 
last year was when school started, and 
three kids tested positive. They went 
home for the summer, got caught up with 


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PLAYBOY 


150 


their friends and made a mistake 

The first time that happens, we bring 
the kid in for consultation. The second 
time, we notify his parents. The third ume 


the player tests positive, he’s suspended 


for the season. It’s never gotten to the 
third time for any of our players. 


LARRY EROWN, HEAD BASKETBALL. COACH, 
UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS 


We've been giving drug tests at Kansas, 
and that worries me. Г always tell the kids 
I trust them, and here I am testing them 
for drugs. But if drug tests help prevent 
drug use, you've got to be in favor of them. 
1 understand the right of privacy. but I'm 
not talking about that. Um talking about 
stopping kids from doing something that 
lead to deaths like Lenny Bias’ 

We have a doctor and a laboratory that 
administer the test. They pick the kids at 
random. I'm trying to change that. We're 
going to take them all, but the dates will 
be staggered so that they won't know 
when they're coming up. The first time a 
player tests positive, the trainer notifies 
n and he goes for counseling. The sec- 
ond time, he goes for more counseling, the 
family and coach are notified and he's sus- 
pended, but he retains his scholarship. 
The third time it comes up positive, he's 
suspended and he loses his scholarship. 
But І don't think we would carry out the 
third step. I think that we would try to 
stay with the kid as long as we could. 

Drugs were just becoming popular 
when Г started coaching. I watched some 
of the greatest young players do drugs and 
I was not able to help. [Former Denver 
Nuggets star] David Thompson and I had 
an unbelievable relationship. Then he got 
volved with drugs and became distant. 
At the time, 1 didn't know what the prob- 
lem was, and when I found out, it was 
almost too late. Kids who are on drugs 
won't allow you to help them. They've got 
to make up their minds themselves. With 


ca 


[former New Jersey Nets player] Micheal 
Ray Richardson, I was a lite bit more 
aware. I helped take him to the hospital in 
New Jersey, but he was already gone. 

Belore these guys started on drugs, our 
relationships were real strong. Then, after 
the drug use started, I'd see them becom- 
ing distant from me and their teammates. 
I saw a tremendous deterioration in them 
physically, in both their appetites and 
their losses of weight and coordination. 
The thing that hurts is that when I was 
coaching at UCLA, the kids who remem- 
bered David would say, “Hey, this guy's 
the greatest.” But he changed. | call 
David all the time, asking him to come 
back to work with us at Kansas, but we 
can't even reach the guy. 

You know what else bothers me? Read- 
ing about how Len Bias was 21 class hours 
short on his academic requirements. If 
you go over the general population of col- 
lege students, it takes four and a half years 
for most of them to graduate. And for 
most of these senior ballplayers, with all- 
star games and touring, the second semes- 
ter of their senior year is a waste. Bias’ 
school record doesn't mean that Lefty 
Driesell didn't do a good job. l look at the 
21 hours Lenny had left, and I think he 
did a pretty damn good job. He was 
within half a year of graduating. If this is a 
problem, then why don't the schools stop. 
freshman eligibility? You know who that 
would hurt? It would hurt the coaches and 
the universities that want quick fixes for 
their teams. But it would help the kids. 

I get really mad when I hear the charge 
that our basketball players are under too 
much pressure. I think that comes from a 
bunch of administrative guys who are 
making an excuse, saying we spend too 
much time with the kids. The kids love to 
play. I don’t think they feel pressure and I 
don’t think pressure is put on them. This 
is the greatest experience of their lives. 


INTERMISSION 


(continued from page 122) 
window toward her, “Now!” 

“The car seems to swerve and the next 
thing she knows, she’s all alone out in 
mid-air someplace (out of the corner of her 
eye she sees the gangster’s car leave the 
cliff edge and go somersaulting explosively 
far below), and then she’s falling. She 
doesn’t know how long she keeps falling; 
maybe she passes out for a second, 
because it seems like almost the next day 
when she hits the water—which is cold as 
ice and churning like an old washing 
machine and wakes her up right away, if. 
in fact, she was asleep before. She floun- 
ders in the swirling waves, wishing now 
she hadn't always been so self-conscious in 
a swimming suit and had at least gone to 
the pool enough to learn something about 
how you stay on top of this stuff and keep 
from swallowing so much of it. What's 
worse, when for a moment she does m: 
age to get her head above the surface, she 
can scc she's being swept toward some 
kind of rapidly approaching horizon, 
which even she in her landlocked inno- 
cence knows can only be the edge of a 
waterfall: The roar is deafening, and she 
can sec spume rising from below lil 
mist they use in those films about dying 
and going to the other world. Well, out of 
the frying pan and down the drain, as her 
friend would say: She holds her nose and 
gets ready for the plunge. 

But, just as the current starts to pick up 
specd and propel her over the edge, along 
comes this empty barrel, tumbling and 
rolling in the waves, and sort of scoops her 
up, headfirst—and there she is, halfway 
inside, her head banging around on the 
bottom, her backside up in the air and fect 
kicking, when she feels the whole appara- 
tus tip, pause and then drop, It is not a 
pleasant ride. The half of her left outside 
feels very airy and vulnerable the whole 
way down, not unlike the way it felt when 
she yot sent to the principal’s office for a 
paddling in the fourth grade, while the 
half on the inside gets shaken around like 
the ping-pong balls in a lucky-numbers 
barrel. Ow! It hurts worse than the time 
she went roller skating and got thrown off 
the tail end of a snake line. Or the night 
her friends shoved some cotton candy and 
a double-dip ice-cream cone into her 
hands and pushed her down the collaps- 
ing ramp of a carnival funhouse, with a 
thousand people standing out front, 
watching and laughing their fat heads off. 

It scems to take centuries to get to the 
bottom—that's how it is when you think 
cach second is going to be your last—but 
finally the whirling and pounding are over 
and she finds herself dizzily afloat, her 
head at the dark, smelly end of the barrel, 
her legs dangling in the water, which docs 
not seem so cold now. A kind of chilly cur- 
rent passes under her and something tick- 
les her thighs, giving her the shivers, so 
she slides out ol the barrel and, holding on 


n- 


to its rim, gazes dreamily around her. She 
seems to have been cast far out to sea: 
nothing but water in all directions. And 
then she sees them: fins slicing through the 
water! Sharks! Hundreds of them! She 
scrambles back into the barrel, kicking 
frantically, and by throwing her weight at 
the bottom tips it upright, even as those 
huge slimy things come streaking by, 
whumping and thumping against it, as 
though trying to tip it over again. 

She squats down, peering over the edge 
at them, her heart in her throat (why is 
world so hungry all the 
afe for the moment but not for 
long: The barrel is more than half full of 
water—it's nearly up to her nibbles, as 
her girlfriend would say—and more is lap- 
ping in over the rim every minute. She 
tries to scoop it out with her hands, but 
it’s too slow. Her shoe doesn’t work much 
better. She makes a kind of bag out of her 
blouse. but it’s too torn up to hold any- 
thing. She feels like she’s in one of those 
slow-motion sequences in which the more 
you run, the more you don't go anywhere. 
Finally, what works best is her bra, always 
the friend closest to her heart, as the ads 
say. She develops a kind of jack-in-the-box 
motion, collapsing her hands together 
underwater, filling both cups at once, then 
quickly spreading them apart as she snaps 
the bra upward—splush! whoosh! splush! 
whoosh!—over and over, like she might be 
trying to fill up the ocean 

Eventually, the bra snaps—that much 
action it was never made for—but she has 
won the battle. She bails the rest out with 
her one remaining shoe. She notices the 
sharks have gone. Probably it just got too 
weird for them. Not that her problems are 
over, of course. She's adrift in a leaky bar- 
rel on an endless ocean, no food, no water, 
not even a cough drop. Boy, isn’t that the 
way it always is? The one time she’s 


worked off enough calories to really let 
herself go, and they take away the conces- 
sions. She pulls whats left of her blouse 
back on, loosens the buttons at the waist 
of her skirt and slumps once again into a 
cramped-up squat at the puddly bottom of 


the barrel, feeling empty and bloated at 
the same time. She'd chew on the ticket 
stub she's still clinging to if it weren't all 
soggy with sea brine. 

Days pass; weeks, maybe; she loses 
count. She gets lonely, cxhilarated, 
depressed, raving mad, horny. Then one 
day, on the distant horizon, she sees 
smoke. Right away, of course, she thinks of 
somebody roasting hot dogs or marshmal- 
lows and starts paddling frantically 
toward it with her bare hands. This is not 
very effective. She makes a sail out of her 
rt and holds it up between her arms, 
which works better. The smoke, she sees, 
is coming out of the top of a mountain, It's 
all a lot farther away than she'd thought. 
"The sharks come back and she has to beat 
them off with her shoc, temporarily losing 
the use of her masts, as they might be 
called; but still, slowly, progress is made. 


As she bobs, at last, toward the shore, 
she sees that a welcoming party—a bunch 
of natives with long spears and flowery 
necklaces—has come out to meet her. Her 
skirt has shrunk so much she can't get it 
up past her knees, but her underpants 
have little purple and green hearts on 
them (ever a wishful thinker) and might 
easily be mistaken for a swimsuit, espe- 
cially by foreigners who aren't wearing all 
that much themselves. She’s not sure what 
you say to natives on occasions like this 
but finally decides the best thing is just to 
wave and say hi. This doesn’t work as well 
as she might have hoped. They grab her, 
tie her hands and feet to long poles and 
start lugging her on their shoulders up the 
mountainside. “Volcano god much hun 
gry,” one of them explains, stroking his 
belly, and it’s true she can hear its insides 
rumbling even worse than her own. 

“But, hey, 1 haven't eaten for weeks. 
Shouldn't you at least fatten me up first?” 
she shouts back hopefully as he walks on 
ahead, but he doesn't hear her, or pre- 
tends not to. 

At the lip of the volcano, just as they're 
about to heave her in—she can already 
fecl the heat on her backside, smell the 
sulphur coiling round; it’s a desperate sit- 
uation, but what can she do, she’s never 
been good at languages—an argument 
breaks out. There’s some little fellow there 
who looks a lot like the driver of the gang- 
ster? car but now with burnt cork 
smeared on his face, leaping about hysteri- 
cally and screaming something about 
“Medicine man! Medicine man!” This 
sets off a lot of squawking and hallooing 
and spear rattling, but at last they untie 
her and send her off down the mountain 
side with kicks and spear swats, snatching 
up her rescuer and tossing him in instead. 
She can hear his fading yell for what 
seems like hours as she runs away down 
the trail they've sent her on. 

‘The trail leads to a small hut in a dear- 
ing, where a man stands waiting for her. 
It's the same guy she saw in the theater 
lobby, except his chest is bare and 
bronzed now and his shorts are so thin you 
can almost sce through them. “The plan 
worked!” he exclaims, taking her in his 
arms. “You're here with me at last” Lis- 
ten, there were probably easier ways, she 
might have said if she weren't so out of 
breath, but by now he is peeling back her 
blouse shreds and gazing popeyed at her 
best act, so what the heck. Don't step on 
them, as her friend would say. 

He fills his hands with them, rolling 
them round and round, pinching the nip- 
ples between his fingers, having all 
of fun, then leans down to give them a lit- 
tle lick with his tongue, which might be a 
lot more exciting if it didn't remind her 
how ravenous she is. That shoulder under 
her nose is about the most delicious thing 
she’s seen since the invention of peanut 
butter. He gapes his mouth and is just 
about to take one of them in whole when 
everything gets shaken by a tremendous 


explosion and suddenly a bunch of trees 
that were there aren't there anymore. He 
looks up anxiously, holding her close, and 
then another one whistles and hits, knock- 
ing them off their feet. “Invasion!” he cries 
and grabs her hand, dragging her, both of 
them scrambling toward the jungle cover. 
His hut gets hit next and it sends 
plumes of flame soaring miles into the sky, 
debris bombing out everywhere; they've 
gotten away from it in the nick of time! 
What was he doing, running a dynamite 
factory in there? “My precious experi 
ments!” he explains, gasping, as he pulls 
her, his pained face scratched and soot- 
streaked, on into the jungle. He leads her 
along a treacherous path through snarling 
panthers, shrieking birds, swamps full of 
crocodiles and mosquitoes, until they 
reach a row of bunkers down near the 
beach, where a handful of exhausted sol- 
diers are holding out against wave after 
wave of enemy invaders. He dumps a cou- 
ple of bodies aside, grabs up their rifles, 
hands her one and throws himself down 
into the bunker just as a dozen bullets ric- 
ochet off the lip of it. He pops up, guns 
down four or five invaders, ducks down 
again, the bullets pinging and whizzing 
around his ears—jeepers, he’s something 
amazing. I’m in love! she thinks, unable to 
deny it any longer. Pm cuckoo, Гт on 
fire, I'm over the harvest moon! “Get 
down!” he yells at her. Oh, yeah, right. 
She's almost too excited to think straight! 
She knuckles down beside him and he 
shows her how to use the rifle. He’s such a 
cutie pie, she wishes he'd take another lap 
at what her friend calls her honey- 
dewzies, dangling ripely in front of him— 
or at anything else, for that matter, she's 
open to suggestions—but, no, he’s too 
busy jumping up and shooting at these 
other bozos, it’s like some kind of obses- 
sion with him. Well, she'll try anything 
once, in spite of all the trouble that dubi- 
ous principle has got her into in the past, 
she must be a slow learner. She picks out a 
gangly guy just splashing in at the shore 
line, shooting dopily in all directions, gets 
n her sights and jerks the trigger. 
Wow, it nearly takes her arm right off at 
the shoulder! But it’s fun watching him go 
down: He kind of spread-eagles and goes 
up in the air about six inches, falling flat 
on his back in the wave rolling in. She 
braces herself and takes another shot: It 
doesn’t hurt as much as before, and this 
time the enemy soldier does a kind of pir- 
ovette, spinning on one foot and bouncing 
a little before flopping to the beach. She 
pops one in the face, propelling him into a 
backward somersault, hits another one in 
the knees and then in his cowlick when his 
hat comes off as he crumples toward her, 
gets this one in the belly button (misery 
loves company, she thinks, suffering an 
evil burbling and gargling behind her 
own) and that one in the ear, spins them 
around and doubles them over with shoes. 
in their ribs and finishes them off with bul- 
lets up their boo-boos, lines them up in 


151 


PLAYROY 


152 


her sights and blasts them two. three ata 
time, aims down their own barrels so their 
guns blow up in their faces. This is great! 
he never knew guys had so much fun! 
But it’s 100 good to last, as she might 
have known. She fecls a tuggil 
seat of her drawers and looks down: It’s 
the sport she came with, lying wounded at 
her feet, a bloody bandage around his 
head, hands still clenched around hi 
smoking rifle, the knuckles raw, his eyes 
red with pain and fever. He seems to be 
trying to whisper something. She leans 
close. She can hear the enemy whooping 
and squealing as they scramble impetu 
ously up the hill toward them like little 
kids on an Easter-egg hunt. “There aren't 
many of us left!” he gasps. “You've got to 
go for help! She starts to 
where's the kick in that?—but he cuts her 
oll with a sad, smile: "We're depending on 
you, sweetheart!” he wheezes, giving her a 
weak slap on her fanny like one pal to 
another, so what can she do? 

She hurries back through the jungle, 
knocking oll crocs and tigers as she gocs, 


ig on the 


otest— 


haying pretty much got the hang of this 
shooting thing: but somehow, maybe 
because she cant get her lover off her 
mind (she thinks of him now as her lover, 
such intimacies as they've shared being no 
big deal for some people, maybe, naming 
no names, but all histories, like they say, 
ve), she takes a wrong turn and 
ends up in the desert. She tries to circle 
back round to the jungle, which she can 
still sec on the horizon; but after plowing 
up and down a couple of dunes in her bare 
feet, she can’t sce it anymore, just acres 
id acres of endless sand. She tries to 
trace her footprints backward, but after 
fivc or six steps, they disappear 

She thinks maybe it’s about time to 
sit down and have a good cry; but while 
she’s still only thinking about it, some 
guys in turbans, pajamas and silky boots 
with curled toes come galloping along and 
atch her up. “Hey, fellas, you wouldn't 


happen to have a cracker or something: 
5 sks hopefully, but they only heave he 
over the back end of a horse, her little 
hearts alofi, and go thundering off to 


“Perfect!” 


some sheik's palace in an oa: 

So, OK, she's had a few sur 
the night she stepped into that movie 
lobby back in her old home town all those 
years ago, but the biggest one is yet to 
come. This sheik is the very same guy who 
was standing under the poster and who 
she just left battling impossible odds back 
in that bunker, only now here he is with 
what is obviously a very phony mustache 
pasted on his lip, and she’s made to unde 
stand that she’s his new favorite and is to 
be his bride. Tonight. Of course, there 
a lot of brides—the palace is full of v 
ladies sneaking about, there’s a couple 
dozen of them here in his bedroom 
alone—but she considers herself a grega 
ious person and doesn't mind company. 
She winks at the sheik to let him know 
she’s in on whatever he's got in mind, but 
he only scowls darkly and bellows som 
about “stinking pig” and “prepa 


serving girls, who lead her down to a kind 
of shallow swimming pool full of naked 
ladies and peel her rags all her. She pats 
her belly and points into her open mouth 
with her bunched fingers, but they don’t 
get it. Oh, well, 105 a wedding, isn’t it 
Probably there's going to be a banquet, 
she tells herself, ever the cheery optimist 
She's just got her toe in the water, testing 
how hot it is, when up comes that driver of 
the gangsters’ car again, The past couple 
of times she's scen him, he was crashing 
down a cliff in an exploding car and get- 
ting thrown into the maw of a smoking 
volcano, yet here he is again, disguised 
this time as a eunuch and insisting to 
everybody that before her bath she has to 
be taken down to what he calls the vir- 
ginorium for a health check. 

Before she or anyone else can protest, he 

а full pelt down a mirrored 
hall, her bare feet slapping boisterously on 
the marble floor, the rest of her all aquiver 
and goose-bumpy and no doubt гозу pink 
under all the grime. Her birthday suit, 
unfortunately, even as starved as she is, 
could still use a few tucks here and ther 
fact that has probably not escaped all the 
people who are turning to stare at her 
galumphing by. He pushes her ahead of 
him suddenly k corridor, pr 
his back to the wall, glances back. “LOs 
clear!” he hisses. “There's a plane waiting 
out behind the camel barns. We've got to 
move fast!” 

“Wait a minute,” she pants, “I know 
this guy, it's all right.” 

“No, you don't Its not who you think 
it is! This is his evil twin brother! Didn't 
you notice the telltale scar, the missing 
birthmark? Through forged papers, he has 
stolen his brothers inheritance! He'll stop 
at nothing! That's why you're involved!” 

"What?" It’s getting pretty compli- 
cated. “Look, Im not particular; th 
both pretty cute." 

He scizes her wrist. “Let me show you 


somet 
He dri 


more sta 


gs her down more corridors, 
rs, more narrow passages. “Talk 
about stopping at nothing,” she grumbles. 
They're now deep in the labyrinth of the 
palace. He puts his fingers to his lips, 
sidles cautiously toward a locked door 

“This is the room of the favorites,” he 
whispers. “First they dance for the sheik, 
they become his bride and then they come 
here.” He picks the lock with a piece of 
wire concealed mysteriously on his person. 
Inside: a roomful of severed heads! 

She scrca It’s a kind of reflex. © 
sorry, I don't know what came over me,” 
she whispers. They can hear footsteps 
approaching. He strokes the wall 
blind man trying to gue: 
denly, just as the footsteps come clatt 
down the stairs into the corridor, a piece 
of the wall slides open and they slip 
behind it, pressing the wall 
together again like completing a puz 

The secret passage leads back to the 
harem pool. “Grab your clothes and let's 
get out of here!” he rasps. Its y 
worth it—all that’s left are her raggedy 
blouse and bikini pai and it's a hor cli- 
mate, anyway—but she docs as she is 
told, having always been an casygoing 
sort. While she's pulling them on, the 
other eunuchs and serving girls crowd 
around. trying to herd her back into the 
pool again, but her friend makes a slicing 
gesture at his throat and grabs her by the 
hair. They all understand this and back 
away. He drags her away by the h 
which she thinks is pushing the realism 
bit too far; but before she can complai 
they run into some of the apes who kid- 
naped her in the first place. The head- 
chopping act doesn’t work with these 
guys. “You! Dance!” one of them grunts, 
pushing her brusquely toward the sheik’s 
bedroom. She trips and falls. If she can't 
even walk, do these mugs think she 
dance? Her eunuch chum helps her to her 
feet, whispering furtively in her ear, “All 
right, this is it, kid." 

"But Em a rotten dancer 
pers. “АП I can do is polka!” 

“All you gotta do is be yourself —you 
can do it! Now get in there and show "em 
your stuff! PI be waiting at the plane! 

She gets shoved into the sheik's bed- 
room, where there's a big crowd gathered 
for her show, and the hei his 
clumsy, unpleasant accent, which she still 
suspects must be some kind of put-on, 
why she hasn't got out of her dirty old rags 
(“Techy olt wrecks.” he calls them), and, 
thinking fast, she tells him that what she'd 
planned to do as her first number is the 
Dance of the Filthy Pig. He looks skeptical 
id she tells him that it’s very popular 
right now where she comes from and just 
to sit back and have a good time. She's 
never danced alone in public before, but 
once she's thought up the title, the rest 
comes easy. Anyone can do a dancing pig, 
especially if she’s had le cheerleading 
practice. She throws in a bit of dancing 


r, 


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duck and dancing cow, which has the 
sheik boggling his eyes and twisting the 
ends of his mustache, and she might have 
gone on and done the whole barnyard 
(already—she can't help herself—she's 
thinking carcer) if they hadn't interrupted 
her with a loud gong and presented her 
with a covered platter: a banquet. after 
all! Her stomach gurgles in anticipation. 
What she finds when she lifts the lid. 
however, is the severed head of her eunuch 
friend, now wearing his old cloth driving 
cap, something metal between his pale- 
blue lips. A key! She’s crying on the inside, 
or maybe even throwing up, but on the 
outside, she laughs crazily and snatches 
up the cloth cap with one hand, subtly 
cops the key with the other: Bless his 
heart, his jaws are clamped around the 
key and she has to push on his face to get it 
cut, sending the head rolling around on 
the marble floor, but this only adds au- 
thenticity to her second rendition, which 
she has just announced as Follow the 
Bouncing Head. She tugs the cap down 
tight over her eyebrows and starts dancing 
Idly around the room, kicking the head 
ahead of her and chasing after, and, before 
they can recover from their amazement, 
boots it out the door and down the hall. 
By the time she’s found a way out of this 
pretzely loony bin, she can hear them clat- 
tering and shouting right behind her. This 
going to be close! She sends her friend 
back down the corridor on one last mis- 
sion, hoping to bowl a few of them over, 
and races out into the moonlight. She has 
no idea where the camel barns might be, 
but she just follows her nose and finds 
them and, sure enough, out back she finds 
an old museum-piece airplane. As she 
jumps up into the cockpit and ties to fig- 
ure out where to put the key in (she can 
just hear her girlfriend saying, “Honey, 
put it anywhere it feels good”), she can 
hear the barns filling up behind her with 
rabid scimitar-swinging sorchcads, and 
she realizes, as though it’s just dawning on 
her, that she hasn't got the dimmest no- 
tion of how to fly one of these clunkers. Those 
head-hunting goons are already clam- 
bering up on the wing with blood in their 
cyes, though, so what choice has she got? 
When she finally does locate the slot, 
everything happens violently at once: 
She's suddenly gunning madly down the 
field at full throttle, houncing and careen- 
ing, shedding startled assassins, probably 
there’s a clutch or something she should 
have used, but too late now, all that’s 
ancient history; right now. she's got only 
one problem and that’s how to get this ga- 
zunkas up in the air before she hits 
something—like those camel barns, for 
sample, coming straight at her. She 
seems to have got spun around, and all 
those guys in the pajamas who were chas- 
ing her have stopped in their tracks, gaped 
wild-eyed shock and are now racing 
ach other for the - 
She pulls, punches, twists, Kicks, flicks, 
slaps and screams at every doobob on the 


panel in front of her, but nothing works, so 
she finally just closes her eyes, hugs thc 
steering gadget between her legs and 
shrinks back from the impending blow. 
Which doesn't come. She opens her eyes 
to find the old clattertrap miraculously 
rattling straight up into the moonlit sky, 
the palace and then the oasis itself disap- 
pearing into the darkness beneath her. 
Startled, she pushes the control stick away 
and—whoops!—she's diving straight 
back to where she came from! All right, 
she’s not completely stupid, a little push- 
ing and pulling on that gizmo, and pretty 
soon the roller coaster flattens out to 
something like a horse race with hurdles. 

Not bad for a jelly bean, as her friend 
would say; in fact, she'd be pretty proud of 
flying this contraption, first time like this 
and by the seat of her pants, as it were, if, 
one, the seat weren't so wet (listen, it was 
pretty scary back there for a while—who 
knows if all those terrorized movie hero- 
ines do any better, they don’t show you 
everything) and, two, there were some way 
of parking it and getting out without hav- 
ing to go all the way back down to the 
ground again. She pokes around for 
instructions, or even a bag of peanuts to 
calm her nerves, and comes on a sort of 
clockface on the panel in front of her with 
the minute hand pointing to empry. Oh, 
boy, that’s all she necds. Even now, the 
motors making a funny choking noise, 
like it's got something stuck in its wind- 
pipe, and what the little lights way down 
below seem to be telling her is "Good 
night, sweetheart, good night.” 

She fumbles in her scat, under it, 
behind it, finds a pack of cards, a cigar 
butt, some rubber bands, a used bar of 
soap coated with dust balls, a thumb- 
worn Western, an empty gin bottle, a plas- 
tic ring with a secret code inside and, 
finally, what she's looking for, a para- 
chute. The old crate is wheezing and 
snorting like a sick mulc by now and has 
already started to take a noser, so she har- 
nesses herself in the chute, flicks the cock- 
pit open and launches herself out into the 
night, amazed at her aplomb at such an 
altitude, since even sitting up in the bal- 
cony at the movies makes her dizzy. 

She's not sure where she's going to land 
or who's going to be waiting for her or 
what kind of impression she's going to 
make, dropping in on them in a cloth cap, 
moist undies and a few streamers of 
bleached-out blouse, but she's hoping the 
element of surprise will give her the lead 
time she needs to vanish before they figure 
out what they've seen. She does wish she 
had her lost lashes back, though, or at 
least some deodorant, not to mention the 
common comb. As though triggered by 
that thought, the cap flies off and she 
glances up through her streaming tangle 
of hair to watch it vanish into the night 
sky, thinking as she gazes up into the 
starry dome, Wait a minute, something's 
wrong—where’s the parachute?! Don't 
se things open by themselves: 


Then she remembers something from 
all those old war movies about a rii It's 
like a window shade or a wedding—you 
have to put your finger in a ring, then pull. 
She scrabbles around for it, but she can't 
find it. She can't find anything with this 
dumb thing strapped on her back; she's 
getting a crick in her neck from trying, so 
she peels it off and searches it. Nothing. 
It’s like a pillow. Should she just hold it 
under her and hope for the best? She's 
dropping so fast! Then she discovers a 
placket and buttons, like a man’s fly. She 
fumbles with the buttons, regretting tear- 
fully, not for the first time in her life, her 
lack of practice. What she finds inside is a 
kind of nozzle with a nipple on the end. 
What? Is she supposed to blow this thing 
up? This is crazy! She jerks irritably on 
the nipple; there's a windy hissing sound 
and—pop!—she finds herself suddenly 
afloat under a gigantic gas balloon. 

Wow! Here she comes, hanging on des- 
perately by one hand and whooshing 
down over lit-up Main Street, causing cars 
to screech and crash, dogs to yap hysteri- 
cally, pedestrians to stumble all over one 
another in gap-mouthed amazement. 
She's still too shaken to revel in all this 
attention, her heart’s hammering away in 
her chest like the drum of a restless native 
and her nose is cither running or bleeding, 
all she really wants right now is to go 
down somewhere for a few years, even her 
appetite seems to have failed her. And it's 
not over yet! She doesn’t know how long 
she can hang on to the nozzle, and the bal- 
loon, sweeping down the street toward the 
movie theater now, seems, if anything, to 
be rising again. 

Just when all seems lost, her hand 
sweaty and slipping its grip, the balloon 
itself caught in a sudden updraft of hot air 
from the movie lobby that might take her 
off who knows where, she spics the awning 
over the hardware store next door and lets 
go, dropping onto the awning as though 
onto a haystack and sliding down it into a 
pile of rubbish on the curb—not the pret- 
est of landings, maybe, and a canvas 
burn or two to remember it by, but she's 
an all-in-one piece, as her girlfriend would. 
say, she still has her ticket stub, and in the 
theater, the intermission buzzer is just this 
moment. sounding its final warning and 
everyone is rushing back to his seat. 

Luckily, the usher is looking the other 
way as she goes streaking past, the doors 
swinging closed behind her, the audito- 
rium already dark, some children's car- 
toon starting up on the screen: loud 
screeching and banging noises, tinkling 
music, one animal stomping another 
onc—the usual thing and distracting 
enough, she's pretty sure, that no one 
notices how she's dressed or, rather, not. 
Her friend has crawled into the row 
behind and is curled up with the cowboy, 
her hand in his lap; and just as well, 
because she's too poohed out to put up 
with any wisecracks just now—her friend 
sometimes can be a pain, especially when 


she's trying to ring some guy's bell. 

She scrunches down in her scat, feeling 
a strange chill and wishing she'd brought 
along a sweater or something, not to men- 
tion some spare blue jeans and an extra 
pair of shoes. Her teeth start to chatter 
and her flesh go I shivery, but it can't 
be that cold in here; probably it's just 
nerves (she's never sat this close to one of 
these seats before, so to speak), so she tries 
to focus on the cartoon to calm herself 
down. But there's something odd. One of 
the animals has been twisted into a kind 
of coiled spring and is boing-boinging 
around in a way that usually has people 
hooting and yipping and rolling around in 
the but no one’s laughing, No 
one's making any kind of sound whatso- 
ever. She twists around y and 
peeks over the back of her seat: The aud 
torium, lit only by the light from the pro- 
jector, is full of people. all right; but 
they re all sitting süflly in their seats with 
weird, flattened-out faces, their dilated 
eyes locked onto the screen like they're 
hypnotized or dead or something. Uh-oh. 
She reaches back and taps her friend to 
sk her what she thinks is going on, and 
her friend, jostled, slides lifelessly off the 
guy's lap onto the floor between the seats. 
There's a soft bump, clearly audible under 
the tinny whistle and crash up on the 
screen, the burlesque rattle up there as of 
things tumbling down a thousand stairs. 
The guy's not looking too great, either, 
just sprawled out there with his cowboy 
hat down over his nose, his slobbery 
mouth hanging open, his belt buckle 
undone, his hand cupped rigidly around a 
skinny behind that isn't there anymore. 
She's about to let out a yell when she feels 
this icy clawlike grip on her shoulder, and 
she can't even squeak. The claw twists her 
around in her scat until she's facing the 
screen again and holds her there, рес 
up in the creepy silence at all that hollow 
tomfoolery and wondering how she's 
going to get our of this one. If how is the 
word. It’s like some kind of spell, and 
there's probably a way to break it, but 
right now she can't think of it, she almost 
can't think at all, its like that hoodoo 
behind her has stuck one of those bony fin- 
gers deep in her car and pushed the ofr 
button. So what can she do? She stares up 
at the screen and pretends to watch the 
mayhem, wishing only that she'd at least 
ed up that soft drink on the way in or, 
heuer yet, a tub of popcorn. and a half 
dozen chili dogs; it might be a long night. 
Like her friend would say, if she were still 
alive: “Sometimes, sweetie, you just have 
to hunker down, spread your checks and 
let nature take its curse.” Anyway, as far 
as she can tell. the claw only wants her to 
watch the movie, and, hey, she’s been 
watching moy 1 her life, so why stop 
now, right? Besides, isn't there always a 
happy ending? Has to be. It comes with 


the price of the tick 


aisles- 


псазї 


es 


COCAINE (continued from page 68) 


are increasingly recruiting athletes who 
bring drug histories with them, 

Athletes are as susceptible to mixed 
messages as anyone else. Americans con- 
sume more drugs, legal and illegal, than 
any other people on earth. From prescrip- 
tion drugs to patent medicines, from the 
collee break to the three-martini lunch, 
from marijuana to cocaine, we have so 
institutionalized dope use that anyone 
who abstains from drugs could well be 
considered deviant. 

Dr. Marlin Mackenzie, counselor to 
scores of amateur and professional ath- 
letes and director of the Sports Perform- 
ance Laboratory at Teachers College, 
Columbia University, feels that athletes 
are just another group of victims in what 
he sees as a dependent culture. 

Dr. Mackenzie says ours is a society in 
which young people are not encouraged to 
take responsibility for thcir own lives: “As 


infants, we are wired to be independent, 
but society reinforces quite the opposite. 
And sports are a good example.” AL 
though the potential benefit ofan athletic 
program is in giving a student a sense of 
his own power, Mackenzie says, athletes 
today are constantly being told what to do. 

As Harry Edwards points out, “We 
begin to compress them into unidimen- 
sional personalities; we insist that above 
all they be athletes. And nobody expects 
anything else of them, They become deli- 
cient in other forms of development; they 
often feel that traditional restrictions don't 
apply to them. Even when one is found to 
be deficient, we tell him, ‘We will cover for 
you because you are a ballplayer? They 
are suspended in a state of perpetual ado- 
lescence. They rely on others to applaud 
them, to reward them, to determine 
whether they are successful.” 

They are playing for their coaches, for 
their fathers or for their teammates, Mac- 
kenzie explains, and the emphasis on win- 
ning is cnormous. They apply pressure to 


“You kid: 


don't know how lucky you ат 


. In my 


school days, we didn't have learning experiences. We 
had to settle for learning." 


155 


PLAYBOY 


156 


themselves and blame its consequences on 
others, the flip side of their dependency 
being a lack of accountability. 

What goes on out there is totally unre- 
alistic,” he points out. “Athletes expect to 
be number one, and the truth is 85 percent 
of them lose.” Taking his statistics from 
baseball (with one world-series winner) 
and from professional tennis (where two 
out of 256 win in an average singles tour- 
nament), as well as N.C.A.A. basketball, 
he says, “An athlete puts pressure on him- 
self to be one of 15 percent, and this 
emphasis on winning undermines the very 
foundation of sports.” 

According to Mackenzie, college ath- 
letes are especially vulnerable, Bias being 
a good example. 

“Many athletes don’t have the intellec- 
tual ability for college. Their depend- 
ency is exacerbated by the presence of 
academic counselors and tutors. Soon the 
student loses all sense of his own identity. 
It is very hard for an athlete today to feel 
good about himself. And one thing drugs 
do is make you feel good.” 

In a continuing spiral, illegal drugs 
reinforce an athlete's low self-esteem by 
immediately making him a criminal. Mac- 
kenzie, who sees organized athletic 
ndeavor as “a very positive growth expe: 
rience,” is optimistic about the athletes’ 
ability to interrupt that spiral. 

“Athletes are unique. They control 
their physical performance with extremely 
complex mental processes—they have 
great power and capacity. Successful 
counseling lies in simply turning a student 
back on his own resources." 

. 

"Phe resources on which we as a 
fall back are not quite so easy to identify. 

Belore the availability of nickel-bag 
free-base, before the appearance of crack 
on the street, a cocaine habit in Ameri- 
ca was about as easy to come by as 
an interest-bearing account in Zurich. 
y a law-enforcement issue until 
recently, cocaine, the white-collar white 
man’s recreational accessory, was pretty 
much overlooked by politicians in the Sev- 
enties. Where drug use in general galva- 
ed almost no political attention until it 
moved out of the ghetto in the Sixties, 
cocaine use in particular did not become 
the national election issue it is until it 
moved, in the form of crack, back mío the 
ghetto. 

A principal agent in the ruined ca- 
reers of various white professionals—the 
wealthy in particular, celebrities, includ- 
ing athletes, in general—cocaine, ironi- 
cally, has finally found its way onto the 
legislative agenda through the politicall 
unignorable death of a single black Ameri- 
can youth, 

Ronald Reagan, who turned his atten- 
tion to the drug issue only after his pollster 
Richard Wirthlin insisted he do so, may 
be the only modern President smooth 
enough to put a drug program over on the 
Amcrican public. It was not long ago that 


tion 


Americans received an enlightening lesson 
in the politics of heroin utheast Asia, 
Not much more than a decade has passed 
since the Central Intelligence Agency, in 
support of anti-Communist war lords in 
‘Thailand, was flying the heroin they proc- 
essed out of the Golden Triangle, bringing 
tons of smack to market here (where the 
‘Justice Department was jailing marijuana 
smokers) in the name of national security 

Similar forces are at work today all over 
the Middle East. A thriving market in 
hashish has its correlative in the security 
of American interests in Lebanon, Does 
anybody truly expect any President of the 
United States to move on even the most 
coke-fluid Latin-American government 
when its continued stability is essential to 
his policy in the region? 


“To have spontaneous 
access to cocaine, 
an athlete has to join 
a criminal subculture 
that sooner or later 
changes everything he 
has ever believed 


of himself.” 


Is it any wonder that so many today 
have so little respect for the law, so little 
regard for the rules, for any code of con- 
duct articulated by leadership as morally 
bankrupt as this? 

. 

In the 1986 N.C.A.A. basketball tour- 
nament, each college whose team made 
the Final Four took home $893,000. The 
1986 Rose Bowl paid $11,600,000 to the 
two teams that competed. An athletic 
scholarship today is a capital investment; 
what a university spends to make that 
ind of money. In lieu of payment for the 
athlete’s services, the ity agrees to 
educate him. Implicit in the spirit of the 
contract is the fact that the university will 
violate it. Not only do colleges recruit illi 
erates, they graduate them with bach 
lor's degrees. Compensating athletes with 
the illusion that four years of dedicated 
service will lead to a lucrative carcer in 
professional sports, they fail to stipulate 
how statistically prohibitive the odds are 
against a player’s ever being invited to 
compete at that level. Given the value of 
such a degree, the likelihood of his being 
hired to do anything else is even more 
remote. 


. 

Cocaine is more dangero 
legion of cqually powerful drugs becau 
it is not available legally. To have sponta- 
neous access to cocainc—as opposed to 


alcohol, say—an athlete has to join a 
criminal subculture that sooner or later 
alters his values, changes everything he 
has ever believed of himself. Making a 
felon out of everyone who uses it, cocaine 
breeds a kind of situational ethics in other- 
wise law-abiding citizens. Soon criminal 
behavior is nothing more than a figure of 
speech. 

Where cocaine differs from othe 
drugs is in the undeniable reality that 
everybody—including all those who so 
regularly condemn it—thinks it is sexy. 
Vilifving drug use in general, the press 
plays on coke’s glamor to sell magazines, 
daily papers and nightly news broadcasts. 
Just as local anchor people expropriated 
such words as bust and rip-off from the 
counterculture in the Sixties, they enthusi- 
astically borrow street jargon today to 
introduce cops-and-dope-dealers footage 
that scans like the typical music video. 
television program such as Miami 
Vice, in which the antidrug forces are the 
heroes, takes its glamor from the lifestyles 
of its various villains and from the stylish- 
ness of cops who just happen to live like 
coke dealers. 

No doubt, Len Bias thought cocaine 
was sexy, too. [1 was all part of a very slick 
package he bought when he left the 
Columbia Park Recreation 
he set forth from Landover, Maryland, 
cred the world of big-time sports. 

t he might have learned had he 
lived a little longer was that nobody really 
cared that he was flunking everything in 
sight. His degree was not a part of the 
package. 

“Mr. 
Celtics phys 
a piece of meat.” 


Jenter, when 


Bias said afier his 
like [they're] buying 


. 
In the end, what went wrong, tragi- 


cally, was that nothing went wrong. The 
recent embarrassment, the "Len Bias 
» was nothing more than business as 


ness in which we are all par- 
ticipants. And athletes are not its only 
victims. Ensuring the physical and intel- 
lectual development of its children reflects 
no merit upon a nation that sends them 
forth with underdeveloped hearts. 
Cocaine has been around for centuries. 
Like other things that do nothing but 
make you feel good, cocaine produces 
benefits that are only temporary. A dan- 
ger to people who have nothing better to 
do with their time, it is a calamity in a 
society overflowing with people who have 
nothing better to do with their lives. 
Wharton Lee Madkins says, “We'll pay 
more attention to the kids. We'll follow up 
this time. We're going to have a study pro- 
gram. If the kids put half their time into 
studying, they'll be smart.” 
Shaking his head, he say 
hung up on basketball.” 


El 


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PLAYBOY 


158 


M AF I A PRINCESS (continued from page 79) 


“Sam wouldn't let me go out at night, so I adjusted 
my schedule. I took long, long lunches.’ 


Not that Antoinette was totally thrilled 
with the TV movie. She first asked the 
producers to let her play herselfand, when 
they refused, asked to play her mother, the 
part that eventually went to Kathleen 
Widdoes. Finally, all Antoinette got was a 
one-line role as a guest at her own first 
Communion. She complained publicly but 
has since gotten over her pique. Unlike her 
father, she says, “I can't hold a grudge for 
a long period of time.” 

So how did she feel when she saw her 
life portrayed on prime-time television? 
“It came off pretty well. It the 
number-one-rated show in its time slot. 
Kathleen Widdocs did a decent job as my 
mother, Tony Curtis did a fine job as my 
father, and most of the other actors were 
good. My only problem was with Susan 
Lucci, as me. She overacted. Also, she 
came off as a Hollywood woman, not as a 
Chicago girl. She talked all wrong for a 
Chicago girl. If she'd called me, I would 
have helped her get a fecling for my life; 
but as it was, she barcly spoke to me.” 

Which is too bad for Lucci, if only 
because Antoinette is a walking store- 
house of anecdotes and observations 
about the unsavory men she refers to as 
“the boys” or “the outfit.” For 
instance: “Frank Sinatra says he was 
never controlled by the outfit, But my 
father opened a night club called the Villa 
Venice in Wheeli Illinois, in the late 
ics. It had gambling in the back, 
ae was how it made its real profits, but. 
my father needed some big acts to open 
the place, to get it off the ground. He 
wanted Sinatra. Sinatra didn't want to 
come, said he had another booking. 


was 


either 


Besides, the Villa Venice was a very small 
club compared with the places he usually 
worked. But my father got word to him: 
Sing or else. Sinatra was there.” 

On the subject of gangsters and their 
women, Antoinette has a wry sense of 
humor. “The outfit isn't an equal- 
opportunity employer. The boys don’t 
think women should be involved in the 
business, but that's a mistake. If the 
women had been trained to handle rc- 
sponsibility, a lot of the guys who've 
been indicted in Kansas City lately would 
have fewer worries about running the day- 
to-day business. Things are beginning to 
change, though. I understand that in Italy 
[where dozens of M chieftains have 
been indicted and imprisoned since 1985], 
the guys are turning to the women and the 
women are taking over. 

“But, for the most part, these men feel 
that their women should be saints. If they 
want hot sex, they go somewhere else. A 
wife isn't supposed to know about hot sex. 
My father viewed my mother as a saint. 
She never talked about sex. Hell, / don't 
even talk about it. It flusters me, even 
now. I get all nervous." 

In Mafia Princess, Antoinette described 
how protective Sam was of her virginity. 
So how did she manage to have “many, 
” without his knowing about 


Sam wouldn't let me go out at night, 
so 1 adjusted my schedule. I was working 
most of the time, either as a secretary or in 
a doctor's office [she's a practical nurse 
and lab technician], and Sam couldn't 
keep track of me during the day. So I took 
long, long lunches. If 1 went for a four- 
hour lunch during the day, Sam didn't 


mind. But if I went out for four hours at 
night, hc couldn't stand it.” 

Now that she’s settled down, she looks 
back on her younger days fondly but not 
without regrets. “Women are always 
attracted to men with power and money, 
and I certainly was. The problem is, the 
more you get, the more you want. I wound 
up treating men just like my father treated 
women. I used men for my own glory. 1 
wanted the candlelit dinners, the flowers, 
the pieces of jewelry. I liked to be seen 
with men who looked good and made a 
good presentation in public. But I rarely 
let my feelings get involved. I learned that 
from my father, too. Mobsters are all great 
actors. They put up a brick wall around 
their emotions, so that nobody—not even 
they—knows what they're feeling.” 

However, as Antoinette also admits, 
she’s never been hardhearted, so it wasn’t 
casy for her to numb her feelings. She 
needed assistance from a bottle to do that. 
And it is her long affair with alcohol that 
she now regrets most. 

“If there's one thing Га like to say to 
any young people who may be readi 
this, it’s ‘Hey, you may think that booze is 
sophisticated, but it can throw your whole 
life off track before you ever get started.’ I 
know. It nearly killed me. It certainly cost 
me my reputation. Drinking too much 
makes people do things they wouldn't 
ordinarily do. I think if I hadn't drunk so 
much when I was young, I wouldn't have 
messed up my life. If anyone who reads 
about my life is prevented from going to 
the depths of hell the way I did, then my 
telling my story has been worth it.” 

Now that things are looking bright for 
her for the first time in years, Antoinette 
says she finds herself becoming more con- 
servative. “It seems as if the older I get, 
the wiser I get—the more I find myself 
appreciating those old values that I 
rebelled against when I was young. Not 
the outfits values, of course, but the old- 
world Italian values: respect for the social 
institutions like family, home and Church. 
I think the reason I rebelled when 1 was 
was basically to get my father's 
п. I always felt he didn't love me 
and that I was the ugly duckling in th 
family. Now 1 realize that Sam didn't 
love anybody except my mother, so I’ve 
stopped punishing myself. 

“Pm finally more relaxed with who 1 
am, and I'm happier being me than ever 
before. Гуе even learned to like my emo- 
tions and my intensity, which got me into 
so much trouble in the past. 1 like being 
around people now. Being 
the media has given me a lot of confidence 
and sclf-csteem I didn’t have before. Now 
I feel I can get some of the th 
always wanted out of life, It may be 
late, but it’s better late than never.” 


B 


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159 


PLAYBOY 


UST ROUTE cont om zoe 


“This is what my life ll reduce to. All the 10,000 
hours of practice and the eight busted ribs.” 


slow. Гат pathetic. Tall and pathetic and 
worn on down. 

Time U wrap, Nelson. This is the big 
plastic taco and we screwed it up. Damn, 
our asses have been pinworm üght. Five 
points down, just like the Vegas line said, 
and milliseconds t' go. Well, no one gonna 
interview you in the locker room, buddo. 
No prime time for you. Pick up the vt 
and trailer and head back West 
quart of Wild Turkey and a bag of Cl сс 
Its. Forget the Checz-lts, right: I gotta 
drive. 

Back off, 

Seven steps to control and cut. I'm the 
last man in all of football t count his own 
strides, like old Ray Berry. Fein knows 
you're not runnin’ a post, knows you've 
gotta catch and get outa bounds. Yah, but 
he thinks I'm goin’ down at least 20 yards, 
not 12. Make the cut spifly for once, else 
you'll never put a step on him. A half step. 


Little fox face, he's watchin’ my belly but- 
ton again. Ca 


"t fake with your navel: 
damn thing goes where you go, uh-huh. 

Jesus, I just thought, This here is my 
st route, could be. Twenty years of 
runnin’ patterns, man and boy. My mind 
is fulla flares and slants and flags and 
drags, like wiggly bacteria. And from what 
Shep said this ayem, they are not gonna 
pick up Bob Nelson’s contract next year. 
Draftin’ for speed, right. What'd he say? 
“Play this like it was your last." Comi: 
loud and clear—the last. And I swear 
before the holy savior, next fall I will not 
play touch in the park. Sho 
useta do it, Mr. Nelson. TI 
only got female children, I 
the-roo. 

Cripes, wham I gonna do for a 

Shunta been rude t those beer people. 

Gotta get rid of this accent. Gotta learn 
? talk plain American for the TV. 

Fat chance, Nelse. 

You haveta admire Fein's technique, 
you do. Little peckerhead can backpedal 
faster'n 1 go (голага. And he's got zero 
in’ me all of a one-yard 
n. It's rape; he has carnal knowl- 
edge of me is what, which is also why 
we're losin’ here. Covered me, man, all 
day, by his lonesome, like he couldn'ta 
done with Hightail. Freed up all their 
D.B.s, right. And four more steps Y my 
cut—then nine exact U the side line from 
this hash. Exit Nelson and so long. 

My hamstrings are strung. Haven't run 
this much since the first pre-seeze. And 
here we go. 

Hey, Pll just do it this time. No cutes at 


us how you 
ank God we 


am through, 


all. Just flap my arm like Batperson and 
swivel out. So schoolyard poor Fein'll 
think it’s gotta be a fake. Yo, Fein; this 
in; flap and—cut. 

Son of a bitch. 1 caught a full step. This 
game's casy as jack-lightin' a decr, when 
you know how. And ha. Listen t Fein 
curse. He can't believe it. Herc we are 45 
yards from the E.Z., and Pm cuttin’ 
before the down marker, even. How could 
we be so dumb? 

Don't ask. 

Uh-oh, hear that now. Listen at the 
yahoos roar for blood up there. Knep 
must be flushed out and scramblin'. It's 
not the ugly roar yet, not the sack-and- 
step-on-his-gonads roar, not yet. Gotta hit 
the side line and maybe drift back deep for 
a Hail Mary. Lookit those Cougarettes 
bouncin’ their milk muscles behind the 
bench. ГЇЇ have a slice of inner thigh, 
thanks, and a lip fillet. Oh, murder, it is 
gonna be hard stayin’ home with Nancy 
all year long. Yes, ma’am, I play pro foot- 
ball; would you care € hold my cock? 

Today you are a man, Braindead. To- 
day you swear off t sty boy's game. 

Maybe go back and get my degree. 

Sure is a handsome day, like when we 
useta play Wyoming late November. 

What? Whar? 

Jesus, the safety's comin’ up. 

Wh damn Armstrong here? 1 didn't 
read zone, Move, Nelse. Knep must be 
lookin’ this way, maybe just t" throw her 
оша bounds. And now ГЇЇ haveta squint 
back inta that miserable low sun. Jesus. 
Jesus, Armstrong!ll break my piss pouch 
if he gets a blind shot. Animal was red- 
shirted 12 years in school, just loves t 
spear slow white-boy reccivers like me. 

Don't look up yet. Look up, you'll lose 
your step. 

Ball'll be there, one stride shorta the 
linc or it’s no dang use at all. Just turn and 
go up, gotta put some hcight on Fein. Like 
practice. Like Knep an’ me've played 
catch since we were rooks together. 

In six steps. 

They're lookin’ up. Cougars on the side 
line are lookin’ up. It’s headed here, sure 
asa mink has cousins. 

In three. 

Big hands, Nelse. Visualize: You got 
soft hands. Coupla hammocks there. 
Go out with a catch, Nelse, see it. Outside 
shoulder, Knep'll float it, what's left of his 
elbow 

And up. 

Hunnnnh? 

My God, you got it. You didn't see it 


and you got it. Bugger’s stuck between my 
face mask and my arm, just stuck, shit. 
Threw it behind me, hadda reach back 
and Fein's got holda my shirt but good, 
holdin’ me in bounds. Should I drop it, 
should I drop it? Armstrong’s almost here. 
Fein has me hung up like Jesus on the 
cross and Armstrong's almost here. Roll it 
down, work the ball onto your pads—— 

Nnnnngaaahh. 

I wanna drop, please. Speared me in 
the kidney, 1 wanna drop. Oh, Lord, 
oh, Lord, I hurt. Fall outa bounds, 
Nelse- 

No. 

Holy shit, no. 

Em free. I'm standin’ here mile-wide 
and free. 

Damn madman Armstrong knocked 
Fein off me and fell. He tried t` kill me too 
much and he fell. Don't go down, Nelse. 
Step over Fein, do a 180 and chug. 
Alone—in front of 60,000 people, in all 
this sudden silence here, move. Thirty 
yards, with not one blue shirt near enough 
U phone in. Lookit that Cougarette there, 
down on her sweet dimpled knees. God, 
Fm gonna score a T.D. І never saw 
comin’. They're froze along the side line, 
all teeth—like the muzzle of that ground 
hog I gut-shot, snarl at the pain and drib- 
ble piss down one leg. 

So run smooth here, with those big 
white-man strides, It is all highlight film 
and slo-mo now. Twenty yards, what a big 
red shiny apple of a day. ГЇЇ dic of lung 
cancer, Ull die of fat arteries and ГЇЇ 
remember this. This is what my 
reduce to. All the 10,000 hours of practice 
and the ‘scope twice in my knee and the 
eight busted ribs. It comes on down t 
this—what you caught with your god- 
damn helmet, right. 

I hate this loathsome game. I hate this 
ugly power I just caught hold of. Ten 
yards t` go and the bookies of America are 
n’ and hootin’, right. Sce that Cou- 
gar coach's son tear and 
woolly hat. Fein is after me now, so crazy 
he's yellin’, “Stop, stop!” I'm an instant 
replay of myself. A thing that happened, 
an accident, a single play in a single game 
It's taken my goddamn manhood away, 1 
feel it, like it always did. 

I'm sorr I. I'm sorry I come t° 
your nice ball park and did this di 
thing. | am not a winner, scc. I do not 
have the killer in me; Shep was right. 

Tm in. 

But you caught it. Nobody but you 
caught it, Nelse. The hands were big, the 
body was there and loose. Give me one 
moment alone before you come and pound 
on me, my friends. Give me one slim 
moment t’ myself. 

Yes. 

I'll just set this ball down gently on the 
turf. In case you folks wanta play with it 
again next ycar. 


ANSON MOUNT 


NOVEMBER 24, 1925-OCTOBER 11, 1986 


IN EARLY MARCH, when the rest of the sports world 
was just beginning to analyze the reports from 
baseball's spring training season, Anson Mount 
was already gathering data on the next football 
season. It was work for a dogged man, and Anson 
usually inhabited the nether world of “people who 
work late.” If you walked the halls ofour Chicago 
office at night, you'd usually find him crouched 
over a warm telephone, coaxing data out of a 
sports-information director or getting his own pri- 
vate report from an N.F.L. scout. Around 
night, he might throw on his parka and an old 
hunting cap and walk the cold, windy streets to 
the Oak ‘Tree restaurant, grab a sandwich and 
come back to the office, where he would drive 
onward until dawn, propelled by coffee, his fastid- 
iousness and Johannes Brahms. 

To the fans across America who looked forward 
to his annual forecasts of college basketball and 
football's big winners, as well as his predictions of 
the division and conference champions in pro foot- 
ball, Anson was the Nostradamus of sports, a man 
with an uncanny knack of seeing the future before 
it happened. But to those of us who worked with 
him, he was much more than that—a blend of 
qualities that grew on you over time. He was both 
sentimental and gruff, a perfect gentleman who 
could also tell you the best dirty joke you'd heard 
all year. He was not, in other words, an ordinary 
man. But then, though raised in Tennessee, Anson 
wasn’t an ordinary Southern boy, either. Con- 
sider, for instance, the fact that he was both a 
devout Methodist and also, among other titles, 
PLAYBOY'S unofficial religion editor for years 

He was hired by Hugh Hefner in 1956 afier 
Hefner read a short story that had won Mount 
first prize in a national fiction contest. His first job 
was as Assistant Promotions Manager; but a year 
later, Hefner asked for a volunteer to become an 
in-house football expert. Anson raised his hand. 
For the next few years, he had two jobs: PLAYBOY 
sports forecaster and whatever else the company 
needed him to do at the time. He was, at various 
junctures in the magazine’s history, public spokes- 
man for the pLavsoy philosophy, College Bureau 
Manager, Merchandising Manager and editor of 
The Playboy Forum. Eventually, though, his singu- 
lar skill as a sports prognosticator overshadowed 
his many other contributions. 

Going head to head with such sports-forecasting 
institutions as A.P., U.P.I. and Sports Hlustrated, 
Anson usually beat them hands down. Since 1962, 
when the Wyatt Summary began rating college 
football forecast Anson finished first five times 

ind second six times. When rı.aysov added college 
basketball and pro football to his duties as resi- 
dent crystal ball, he proved equally adept at 
picking the winners weeks before their respective 
seasons had begun. 

Although he'll be mourned by coaches and 
scouts, Anson will probably be remembered best 


by the hundreds of college All-America players 
who crossed his path, most of whom were destined 
for professional careers. They met him at 
PLAYBOY'S annual All-America Football and Bas- 
ketball Weckends, when Anson's picks for future 
All-America were invited to а three-day, all- 
expenses-paid vacation, usually at some seaside 
resort, to meet one another, relax and have a good 
time. 

Of all the players Anson came to know, proba- 
bly his favorite was Dave Butz, Washington Red- 
skins all-pro defensive tackle, whom Anson chose 
to be the godfather of his youngest son. “If Anson 
named you,” says Bu ou could be pretty sure 
that, barring serious injury, you'd be on other 
people's all-American teams at the end of the sea- 
son. If Anson picked you, you knew you were 
good. 

“He took a personal interest in the players he 
picked. It didn't make any difference il the player 
was black or white; Anson had no prejudices.” 

Once Anson was your friend, he was your friend 
for life. He picked his friends not for what they 
owned or what they did for a living but purely on 
the basis of his evaluation of their character. He 
picked All-America players the same way. He 
never watched sports on television (“It ruins my 
objectivity,” he explained to those who expressed 
amazement at this) but gleaned insights into ath- 
letes’ personalities from the coaches and scouts 
who knew them best. 

Anson's capacity for sustaining enduring friend- 
ships and his ability to read a man’s character 
were both born out of his roots in the South, where 
he returned to live after being away for 25 years. 
One of our fayorite stories about Anson was told 
by Bill Robinson, staff writer for The Atlanta Con- 
stitution, in a column he devoted to him after 
Anson’s death. It provides an insight into why, 
even after living nearly half his years in the big- 
city world of high-speed relationships and high 
anxiety, Anson never lost sight of the important 
things in life. 

“What I love about the South,” he told Robin- 
son shortly after his return to his Tennessee home 
town, “is what happened the day I came home to 
stay in 1974. I hadn't been here in 25 years, except 
to visit. Well, I pull into Junior Bibb's filling sta- 
tion and tell Junior to filler up. After Junior does 
that, he turns to me and says, ‘Anson, you want 
me to put this on your account?” 

“Can you believe that? [had been gone a quar- 
ter of a century, and there's Junior standing 
there ... . treating me like he had just seen me ye: 
terday. He had no knowledge I had come back to 
stay. But it was his way of welcoming me home” 

Anson provoked that kind of fealty: He made 
you remember him. Here at PLavBov, the sports 
forecasts and the All-America Weckends that he 
made so memorable will continue. We're proud he 
created such a legacy. We'll miss you, Smokey. 


161 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1986 


Ultra fresh. 
Ultra sm 
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smokers are heading. 
Ultra Lights rJ 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 


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0.6 mg nicotine av.per cigarette, by FTC method 


ON: THESSCEN E 


EXERCISE 


he ability to point a single scull down-river and 
pound out a fast 2000 meters may help you get a 
scholarship to the Ivies, but you won't even be near 
the water when you break a healthy sweat on 
Bally’s Liferower. You begin by selecting your workout level, 


from rank beginner to Olympic oarsman. The starting gun 
олло MECEY 


sounds—and the race is on. Two boats appear on the 
Liferower's 13" color monitor—a computer-driven pace boat 
and yours. Readouts give you your recommended stroke 
rate, your actual stroke rate, the distance you're ahead or 
behind, total distance traveled, time remaining and calories 
burned. You hear oars, but there's no cold spray. Stroke! 


Although Bally's Liferower has been endorsed by Bruce Ibbetson, seven-time National Rowing Champion, and Tiff Wood, captain of the past 
two U.S, Olympic rowing teams, you don't have to be an experienced athlete to use it, as the machine—on command gives brief instructions 
оп proper rowing technique. It’s from Bally Fitness Products Corporation in Irvine, California, for $2700. And nobody gets dunked at the end. 


SUPERSHOPPING 


Above: Nikon has entered the video- 
camcorder market with Action-8, model 
VN-800, a lightweight 8mm unit that adapts to 
both VHS and Beta formats and offers a full 
complement of automatic features, $1850. 


Right: This hand- 
some 151” solid- 
wood model Bugatti 
Atalante is hand- 
crafted in France by 
Vilac Boutique, a tiny 
company stafied by arti- 
sans who paint the 
machine and then hand-dip 
it in five coats of lacquer (a 
process that takes about a 
week), from Schylling Associ- 
ates, Salem, Massachusetts, $200. 


Left: Optica, the fast-track 
eyewear company, has 
come up with the ultimate 
power shades: wire- 

framed sunglasses, designed 

by Savelto, with 24-kL-gold- 
washed mirror lenses, $360. 


Ebtramerer 


Right: Even James Bond's control, the enigmatic 
M, would feel secure with The Scrambler, a porta- 
ble electronic telephone-conversation garbler (with 
52,000 code combinations) that fits most phones. 
An LED readout indicates whether the scrambled Y 
ог the clear mode is in operation, from The Privacy V 
Connection, Woodland Hills, California, $600 a pair. 


Above: Who says a 
portable color TV has 
to look like a white 


comes in red, silver or 
black and an AC. 
adapter, about $400. 


RCA’s nifty model 
VMT400 VHS video- 

cassette recorder gives you 
the choice of a variety of digital video effects, 
including (near right) picture-in-picture capa- 
bility that allows for VCR playback and a tele- 
¡on channel on the screen simultaneously, 
the colorful oil-painting effect (center) or a 
wild and crazy mosaic-pattern TV picture (far 
right). The unit also freezes a television frame 
as it’s being broadcast, about $700. Crazy, eh? 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


Left: The sleek Atocha Space Pen may have a futuristic 
look, but it's made from gold recovered from the 
wreck of the 17th Century Spanish galleon Nuestra 

Senora de Atocha by treasure hunter Mel Fisher, $50, 
including a NASA-approved ballpoint-pen mechanism. 


telephone dials a 
number when you 
lift the handset and 
speak a name: It puts 
the call through and audi- 
bly confirms the name 
you've chosen, from Inno- 
valive Devices, Santa 
Clara, California, $250. 


Left: Talk about 
Organization? 
Harper House's 
leather-covered 
Day Runner Sys- 
tem includes the 
Entrepreneur Edition, an 
V" x 11" portable office/lap desk with sheets for time 
planning, project management and much more, $150; 
the Suit Pocket Edition atop it converts to a wallet, $50. 


POTPOURRI 


A BANK 
YOU CAN BANK ON 


For all that loose change accumulating on 
ir dresser, there's Coinputer. the 
world's first smart bank,” which auto- 
matically tallies up pennies, nickels 
dimes, quarters and half dollars on a dig- 
ital readout. And when you're not con- 
tributing to your savings, Coinputer 
reverts to a digital clock. The pri 
. postpaid, sent to Paul Associates, 
Р.О. Box 164, Olivia, Minnesota 56277 


THE NATIVES ARE RESTLESS 


“Woven from the threads of fantasy" is how the Yungjohann Hillman 
Company describes its Mombasa Majesty, a flowing canopy much like the 
mosquito nets used in colonial East Africa during the early 20th Century— 
and are still used today. And since the Mombasa Majesty's four cotton top 
loops are attached to the ceiling by hooks that come with it, it fits any size 
bed. Six colors are available: tropical white, Caribbean coral, desert sand, 
blue smoke, misty mauve and, for lovers of Jon Hall jungle flicks, the ever- 
popular tabu black. The price for a Mombasa Majesty is $99.95, sent to 
Mombasa Canopies, 2345 Fort Worth Street, Grand Prairie, Texas 75053. 


HYPNOTIC 
ART 


People who remember early television 
may also recall awakening on the couch 
after broadcast hours and finding them- 
selves mesmerized by the test pattern 
Why you'd want to relive that experience 
is something we won't ask; but if you do, 
Raster Art, Lid., Р.О. Box 1435, Tro 
Michigan 48099, is selling this 18" x 
framed-and-matted poster for $125, post- 
paid. Ill look nice next to your auto- 
graphed photo of Mary Hartline 


BACK TO THE FUTURE 


Тай fins and TV dinners, Ken and Barbie dolls, pole lamps and pop art— 
it’s all in Populuxe (Knopf), Thomas Hine's $29.95 hardcover time cap- 
sule of the look and life of America from 1954 to 196+. Hine, who's the 
architecture critic for The Philadelphia Inquirer, calls this span of time “one 
of history's great shopping sprees,” an era when you could buy “a washer 
with a window through which you could see the wash water turn disgust- 
ingly gray” and when “a station wagon for Mom and a T-bird for Dad 
was what Dad, at least, aspired to.” More than 250 color and black-and- 
white illustrations are included in the book, Iv’ it, but 
we wouldn't want to live in it again. Take a look and see what you think. 


a nice decade to vi 


STUCK ON THE SEA 


Even if you've never been far- 
ther offshore than Fire or El 
Island, we think you'll be fa: 
cinated by the vintage graph- 
ics Faber and ber's $6.95 
oversized paperback Luggage 
Labels from the Great Age of 
Shipping. Al the sticky-backed 
removable labels ready for 

your luggage in the book аге 
adapted from advertisements 
and are part of the wonderful 
collection of printed ephemera 
housed in London's Victoria 
and Albert Museum. We'll 
never tell that you didn't 

really set sail on a West Indies 
cruise in 1909 or the Lago 
Maggiore Orario in 19 


TALES TO KEEP YOU IN SUSPENSE 


To shake off the midwinter blahs, try curling up by the fire and lis- 
tening to a good book. Cacdmon's “Great Suspense from Great 
Britain” series has just introduced six new spoken-word titles on 
cassette, all classics of the genre, including She, by H. Rider Hag- 
gard (with Kathleen Turner as She); John Buchan's The Thirty- 
Nine Steps, read by Sam Waterston; Daphne du Mauricr's My 
Cousin Rachel, read by Mel Gibson; and Sherlock Holmes’ Adven- 
tures, retold by John Wood. Each sells for $14.95. Lock the door. 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR GROWN-UPS 


GAMESMANSHIP 
PLAYBov 
ICs our pleasure to announce 
that Playboy: The Game of 
Elegant Lifestyles has debuted, 
and we think a nice round of 
applause is in order for the 
nimble minds at Victory 
Games, Inc., in Manhattan 
who got the project off the 
drawing board and into game 
and department stores nation- 
wide. Our game puts two to 
six players in the fast lane; 
possessions and romance all 
come with a price in the form 
of salary and upkeep squares 
To the victor go the spoils 
and an ideal partner. And the 
price is a winner, too: $24.95. 


THE COLOR PURPLE 


You're probably familiar with Purple Passion, the 
combination of grape wine and grain alcohol 
mixed in a bathtub that fraternities traditionally 
serve at toga parties to loosen the libidos of the 
coeds present. But if you haven't yet sampled the 
concoction, the David Sherman Corporation of 
St. Louis has taken Purple Passion out of the tub 
and put it into the can; four-packs are available 
nationwide for about $5. At 15 proof for а 12-02 
can, it’s got more kick than Kool-Aid 


IE A 


EES 


THE ART OF 
INCONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION 


Measuring 7'9" long and weighing about 75 
pounds, the Yakima Space Case is an acrody- 
namic ski-and-luggage pod that fits the roof of 
most automobiles. Its 14-cubic-foot capacity can 
y up to eight pairs of skis and poles; or fill it 
with golf clubs, tennis rackets, scuba gear, you 
name it. Bike/ski shops sell the Space Case for 
about $595; a roof rack, about $70 more. 


ca 


167 


You Can Leave 
Your Hat On 


Let's hear it for 
ELTON. He's hot 
again, both on tour 
and in record stores, 
with Leather Jackets. 
He has even hired 

" Hollywood dress 
designer Bob Mackie 
to produce outrageous 
new outfits. This hat 
would make Carmen 
Miranda weep. 


ROSS MARINO 


= 


[E 


A Little Bit of Heaven 


Actress NOREEN BORDONARO has appeared in numerous 
commercials and in big-screen events such as Bachelor Party, 
Night Shift and the upcoming feature film Sign Off. Now she's 
making her appearance in Grapevine, undressed to thrill, We 
pride ourselves on bringing you the shots the movies won't show. 


с 1946 MARK LEVDAL 


Saying It Without the Flowers 


MICHELLE WARD was a biology teacher in England when 
one of her students persuaded her to enter a modeling con- 
test. Here's proof that a change in careers was a good idea. 
Michelle plans to marry one day, and if she seriously con- 
siders wearing this outfit to her wedding, we know that she 
won't go begging for bridegrooms. 


© 1906 PIP LG 


PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE IN 


Just for the 

Fun of It 

We had to take another 
look at the talented and 
adorable WHITNEY 
HOUSTON. Her tour 
was hot, she won a 
Grammy and her new 
album will be released 
any minute now. 


PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC 


Smokin’ 


This fox is ANITA 
CHELLAMAH, from the 
rock group The Cherry 
Bombz. Her co-musi- 
cians come from The 
Clash, Hanoi Rocks and 
The Lords of the New 

Church. The Bombz's 
album is explosive. 


Surí's Up! 

Having English model ANGIE STEVENS wash up on our 
shores was much better than finding a sea shell. Angie's 
known in London for her perfume ads and her calendar 
shots. While she wails to become known in America, she's 
looking irresistible half dressed and dripping wet. 


NEXT MONTH 


y’ 
[A 


GETTING ENOUGH 


— 388 


JANET JONES CHAPLAIN'S CHALLENGE 


“THE CRISIS CRISIS”—THERE'S A NEW ONE EVERY 
WEEK: BY THURSDAY, YOU'RE AFRAID OF SOMETHING 
YOU HADN'T KNOWN EXISTED ON MONDAY. DRUGS, 
AIDS, SALT, SUNBURN. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?—BY 
PETER MOORE 

PLUS: “PROFILE OF A CRISIS VICTIM,” BY LEWIS 
GROSSBERGER, AND A HARD LOOK AT PRESS CORPS 
CRISISMONGERING BY HODDING CARTER 


LIONEL RICHIE CANT READ NOTES, BUT HIS SONGS 
ARE MEGAHITS. HE TALKS ABOUT LIFE IN MUSIC'S 
FAST LANE IN A ROCKIN’ PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“HERPES AND THE CHAPLAIN"—WHEN A HIP NEW 
HOLY JOE ARRIVES AT THE JAIL, FLANAGAN HAS TO 
USE ALL HIS WILES TO MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO— 
AN IRREVERENT SHORT STORY BY LEW STEIGER 


“THE DECLINE AND FALL OF OKKER CHIC"—JUST 
WHEN THE REST OF THE WORLD IS LEARNING TO SAY 
G'DAY, THE REAL CULTURE OF AUSTRALIA IS GOING 
G'BYE. WRY OBSERVATIONS FROM DOWN UNDER—BY 
MICHAEL THOMAS 


“WHY 12-METER BOATS COST SO MUCH"—SPEAKING 
OF AUSTRALIA, THE WORLD'S TOP YACHTSMEN ARE 
BATTLING THERE NOW, THROWING MILLIONS OF DOL- 
LARS, POUNDS, FRANCS AND LIRE AT THE AMERICA’S 


HOT BUNS 


CUP. OUR RESIDENT SAILOR, REG POTTERTON, 
SHOWS YOU WHERE THE DOUGH GOES 


“KEEPING UP WITH MISS JONES"—IN THE FLAMINGO 
KID, SHE DEMONSTRATED SHE WAS THE BEST THING 
IN A WHITE SWIMSUIT SINCE BETTY GRABLE. NOW 
PLAYBOY BRINGS YOU A BETTER LOOK AT HOT NEW 
SCREEN PERSONALITY JANET JONES 


“PLAYBOY’S 25 GREATEST RESTAURANTS"—HERE 
THEY ARE AGAIN, THE RESULTS OF THE NATION'S 
MOST COMPREHENSIVE POLL ON AMERICA'S TOP EAT- 
ING PLACES. SOME ARE NEW, SOME OLD FAVORITES 
ON THE LIST—COMPILED BY JOHN MARIANI 


“GETTING ENOUGH"—AT 40, FRANK FEELS HE NEEDS 
MORE, ER, LIFE HIS FRIEND MARTY ASSURES HIM 
THAT HE KNOWS JUST THE WOMAN FOR HIM. A BRIEF 
TALE BY CHET WILLIAMSON 


PLUS: A HAMMER-AND-NAILS “20 QUESTIONS” WITH 
BOB (THIS OLD HOUSE) VILA; “ROAD WARRIORS: THE 
NEW BMW 325i CONVERTIBLE,” BY ARTHUR 
KRETCHMER; “SHORTS STORY,” GREAT VIEWS OF 
WOMEN IN MEN'S UNDERSHORTS; "IT'S A JUNGLE 
OUT THERE,” THE HOTTEST NEWS IN SAFARI FASH- 
IONS; AND, OF COURSE, MUCH MORE 


TOYOTA í< 


THE ZOOM X EGO HERE. 
A3-door liftback never looked 
this sporty. Sportstripes, flush 
glass, air dam, optional alloy 
wheels and many more goodies. 


NEW FX 16. 


Ë ОО M B | OPEN WIDE ANO SAY, "АНН!" 
Liftback room! Five adults and 141 cubic 
feet ofcargo in complete comfort. 


Liftback versatility! Put down the split 


rear seatbacks and carry almost 
m | 30cubic feet of cargo and two people. 


The all-new Toyota Corolla FX16 GT-S has a split personality. 
Roomy and zoomy. It looks like a roomy, 3-door liftback. 

Which it is. But where does the roominess end and the zoominess 
begin? With 16 valves, 1.6 liters. Redline, 7500 rpm. Fuel injection. 
4-wheel independent suspension and 4-wheel disc brakes. 
Goodyear Eagle GT tires. There's alot more, but you get the picture. 
| Thisis a very serious fun car. 


cou МНО, TOYOTA 


FOR ANYTHING 
MORE! 


Get More From Life...Buckle Up! 


©1986 Toyota Motor Sales, U.S.A, Inc. — 


d. ch. 
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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNI 
ant Women May Re