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HIT MOVIES or 9 ОО 


MUSIC VIDEOS EACH! 


plus shipping & handling with Club membership. 


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No waiting like some other Clubs. You don't 
have to buy two or three videocassettes to enjoy 


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ductory movies or music videos anume 110840 [MANNA UVE TMEVIFGINTOUR — [110622 [TE KARATE KID 1110017 
when you join the RCA Video THE TRIP TO BOUNTIFUL 110958 [GHOSTBUSTERS 110048 [CRITTERS 110876 
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videos, $29.95-$79.95 for movies. (THE AWFUL TRUTH 11077% [IRONEAGLE PRUDHOMME "S LOUISIANA COOKING _ [110684 
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just return the card always pro- 1 MAILTO: RCA Video Club - Р.0. Box 91506 » Indianapolis, IN 46291 П 
vided, by the date specified. You'll Please accept my membership in the RCA Video Club and send me the selections indicated here for just $1.00. 
always have at least 10 days each under the terms outlined in this offer. | agree to buy just 2 more selections in my video category at 
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to decide, but if you don't you | O nro аво ces are — 77 regular Club prices during the next two years, after which I 
may return your featured video (please indicate by number) - | may cancel my membership, or continue and keep 
at our expense for full credit. 1 getting 1/2 off savings. (Shipping /handling added to each | 
RESET І Ө) Send my videos on (check one ony): shipment.) 1 
off savings bonus! OWS FIBER 
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6550 E. 301h Street Indianapolis, IN 46219-1194 Festes 


НЕ MICRO EYE VECTOR 
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PLAYBILL 


YOU'VE SEEN THEN —the scare headlines, the magazine covers, the 
ads for TV specials blaring out yet another message of impend- 
ing doom. If it's not AIDS, it’s crack, herpes, Third World debt, 
sunburn or salt, bv Thursday, you're afraid of something that 
you'd never heard of on Monday. In Crisisweek, Associate Arti- 
cles Editor Peter Moore examines this phenomenon and its v 
tims, with a little help from Lewis Grossberger and Paul Dickson. 
The trend's a classic case of overkill—a word that, not inciden- 
tally, ranks high in A Guide to Crisis Journalese, Dickson's guide 
to the hypesters’ hottest hits. Speaking of lexicons, stone the 
crows if it isn't the fair dinkum; that’s from Say What, Mate?, “А 
Glossary of Aussie Argot,” accompanying Michael Thomas’ The 
Decline and Fall of Okker Chic. Ilustrated by Robert Giusti, Chic is 
nostalgic tribute to the g'day syndrome that has conquered the 
rest of the world but is fast becoming extinct in its homeland. 
Down under, it seems, the mates are drinking LA’ beer and cat- 
ing quiche— when, of course, they're not battling the Fremantle 
Doctor, some upstarts from New Zealand and a bunch of crazy 
Americans bent on vengeance in the final throes of the world’s 
most expensive sporting event, the America’s Cup yacht race. 
Reg Potterton and marine technical illustrator Stephen 1. Do 
explain in Of Bucks and Boats, a stem-to-stern breakdown of the 
12-meter boats competing in the race, why they cost so bloody 
much. Davis should know all about boat-buikling expenses; he 
lives with his wife and daughter near Port Townsend, Washing- 
ton, on а 45-foot cutter he helped design and construct. A cup 
victory, it's estimated, will be worth upwards of a billion dollars 
to the winning country. 

So you want to escape the crisis crunch but you're a bit short 
of the float for a trip to Australia? Start by making reservations 
for an unforgettable dinner at onc of the establishments listed 
Critics Choice: The 25 Best Restaurants in America, a compilation 
put together for us once again by food authority John Marioni, 
whose latest book is Mariani’s Coast-to-Coast Dining Guide. Edi- 
torial Director Arthur Kretchmer slipped out from behind his desk 
and into the driver's seat of the hot new BMW 325i convertible 
for this month's Road Warriors feature. If that doesn’t finish off 
your winter blahs, we prescribe a vicarious trip to the tropics to. 
check out the safari-inspired styles in Fashion Editor Hel 
Wayne's Jungle Fever. 

Herpes and the Chaplain, our lead fiction, doesn't sound 
exactly escapist; but trust us, you'll marvel at the ingenuity дї 
played by Flanagan in this prison yarn by Lew Steiger. Steiger. 
who lives in Prescott, Arizona, has been a professional river 
guide in the Grand Canyon for 14 years and is working on a 
novel with the Colorado as its setting. Chet Williamson tells us ТИЗ 
that his short story in this issue was “the first piece of writing I MARIANI 
did on my first day as a full-time free-lance writer.” The tale, 
illustrated for ri Boy by Olivia De Berordinis, was inspired by a 
visit from a salesman. We won't tell you what the guy was pitch- 
ead Getting Enough and you'll understand. You say you're 
not getting enough? Maybe you've been spending too much time 
around the sort of ladies Asa Baber describes in his Men column 
this month: the Cliff Dweller, the Statistician, the Fastest 
Douche in the West and their frosty female friends. 

Not our kind of women, those. We prefer the likes of Playmate 
Marina Baker, photographed in England (as was Shorts Story) by 
Byron Newman; actress and cover girl Janet Jones, shot for us by 
Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda and profiled by Con- 
tribu Editor Bruce Williamson; and Truc-Blue Detective 
MiSchelle McMindes, who posed in and out of her trench coat in her 
home town of Pendleton, Oregon, for Contributing Photogra- 
pher Richard Fegley. (A graduate of Pendlejon High School, Sen- 
ior Editor Gretchen Edgren, wrote the text.) But we know you 
really read ет.лувот for the interviews, so we won't disappoint you 
there, either: Meet supermusician Lionel Richie, interrogated by 
‚Glenn Plaskin, and This Old House host Bob Vilo, dealt 20 Ques- 
tions by Glenn Rifkin. Now you're set to go forward with March. RIFR] WAYDA | 


MOORE. 


DE BERARDINIS 


© 1987 т.) REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


"s 


CAM 
LIGHTS 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


ic tok 


vol. 34, по. 3—march 1987 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PUAYBIL e sse desea pe DERIT eT 3 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY. 2 
DEAR PLAYBOY. 11 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS жалы 52% 4% 15 
SPORTS E SEK AES EES ОЕ RT DAN JENKINS 31 
МЕМ.......... er Ae RC .......... ASA BABER 32 
WOMEN е НЫ e кй nee eM CYNTHIA HEIMEL 33 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ......................... ка ete 35 Te om 
DEAR PLAYMATES. . 38 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM a 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: LIONEL RICHIE—candid conversation. 49 
CRISISWEEK 
THE CRISIS CRISIS—article. ..........- „ааа... PETER MOORE 63 
A GUIDE TO CRISIS JOURNALESE .......................... PAULDICKSON 66 
VICTIMS OF PRESS STRESS— satire .......... LEWIS GROSSBERGER 67 
TESTE S AENT РРО ОИ 70 
THE DECLINE AND FALL OF OKKER CHIC—article........... MICHAEL THOMAS 78 
BMW 325i CONVERTIBLE —modern living 2 5 D 84 


HERPES AND THE CHAPLAIN fiction - LEW STEIGER 86 
SHORTS STORY—fashion ........... E 5 .HOLLIS WAYNE 88 
GREAT BRITON—playboy's playmate of the month . тие 94 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY 10КЕ5-Һитог.......................................... 108 
JUNGLE FEVER ано 110 Мау Mer 
GETTING ENOUGH—fiction................. Te 116 
CRITICS’ CHOICE: THE 25 BEST RESTAURANTS—article ..... JOHN MARIANI 119 
20 QUESTIONS: BOB VILA 122 
JANET JONES—pictorial. . Beeren ка. 128, 
ОР BUCKS AND BOATS—article ..REG POTTERTON 132 
FAST) FORWARD от 142 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE .............. GT EA омы 25220250 es 165 Sofari Styles 


COVER STORY 


"Gee, that reminds me a little of Hef,” observed Janet Jones after seeing 
o praof of her cover photo by Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda 
(with styling by Elisabetta Rogioni for Cloutier). She should know; she has 
been a frequent guest at Playbay Mansion West and counts Playmates Heidi 
Sorenson (July 1981) and Tracy Vaccaro (October 1983) among her close 
friends. For more of this hot young actress, see her eight-page pictorial. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BULONG, 219 NORTH MICHEGAN AVE- CHICAGD, ILLINOIS 60611. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS. DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED IF THEY ARE TD DE. 


РІАҮВОҮ 


HUGH М. HEFNER 
== سے س‎ = editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editar 


EDITORIAL 


editor; FEYER MOORE asso- 
ALICE К. TURNER editor; 
— 3 И їн associate editor; WEST СОА: 

STEPHEN RASDALL. editor 

IDGREN, PATRICIA PAPANG h 

s senior editors; WALTER LOWE. Jk 

ETERSEN senior staff write BARBARA 

NOLAN, associate editors; BRUCE 

Ek assistant editor; KANDI KINE traffic coord 

nator ED WALKER Associate 

edilor LIP COOPER assistant editor: FASHION: 


1 r е р eM. ONS: MIC: к 
Тһе Sylvania Supersystem ee 


assistant editor; CAROLYN BROWNE, STE 


= Hr ойто һ r LING, DEBRA HAMMOND, CAROL KEELEY 
gives you retnan ИЧ 
" rs za 5ге TORS: ASA BABER, Е JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE GC 
usta reat ıcture me ZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL WILLIAM J. HELMER, DAN 
4 е 2 JENKINS, D. KEITH MANO, REG FOTTERTON 
р 
When you're looking fora video system, , AMEN (noster, амы 


picture quality is probably your most WITZENBURG 


important concern. Which is fine with us, _ ART 
because Sylvania Superset isrenowned for کی‎ KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI LEN 
- its picture quality. WILLIS senior аа BRUCE HANSEN, THEO KOU 
тм VAISOS associate directors; KAREN CAEBE, KAREN 
Howevera aien you look at our Superset, GUTOWSKY, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant directo 
weigh the benefits of its other features. The FRANK LINDNER, DANIEL REED, ANN SEIDL art assis 
178-channel capability, for instance. The ANÍS: BARBARA HOFFMAN administrative manage 
built-in broadcast stereo sound. And the 
available parental control, to let you decide MO Ca 
(ARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFE COHEN 
уаш: Че watchs ЕТЕ managing editor; LINDA KENNEN, JAMES LARSON 
rei г, the Sul et iS Ju: MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors, PAYI 
part of the Supersystem. There's the < pone editor; ғомгко wii ха) 
m hotographer; KERRY MORRIS staff photographer; 
new SupeRemote 44%, a remote DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY FREYTAG, RICH 
control so advanced it works with ARD 1210, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, STEPH 
virtually any wireless remote VCR or хур contributing pholegraphers; тыл mst 
cable system. It's perfectfor people = stylist; JAMES WARD color lab supervisor 
wis Wou Id father watch television PRODUCTION 
ап play with two oreven three O director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
remote units. WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 


While we're on the subject of QUARTAROLL. RITA JOHNSON assistants 
VCR's, we suggest you look at the 
Sylvania SuperTech, which we think 
is superior. The SuperTech has all the 
recording and playback features you need... 


READER SERVICE, 
тыл LACEV-SIKICH manager; LINDA STROM 
E OSTROWSKI correspondents 


and it's backed by Sylvania's exclusive three- CIRCULATION 

year limited watranty on video heads. RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD subscrip- 
The point is thatthereare plenty of reasons tion manager 

to buy a Supersystem beside the great color = == 

picture you getwith the Superset, Of course, CARVE O 

some people think that's reason enough MICHAEL cake national sales manager; zok 
hich is f h зы AQUILLA chicago manager; ELAINE  HERSHMAN 

which is fine with us, too. n manager; KATIE MARIN western. manage 


x direct response 


SYLVANIA Sn A 


J в TIM DOLMAN assistant publisher; MARCIA 
electronic brilliance TERRONES rights ES permissions manager; EILEEN 
KENT contracis administrator 
©1987 N.A.P. Consumer Electronics Corp. ЗЕНА masa 
ANorth American Philips Company. PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
‘Sylvania isa registered trademark of СТЕ Products Corp. CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


Simulated TV picture. 


rley-Davidsor Па 
always been worth more than 
the average motorcycle. When 
you buy. While you ride. When 
you sell. 
NOW WE GUARANTEE IT. 
At the soul of every Harley- 
Davidson is something hard to 
explain. But easy to understand 
once you're on one. 
It's a strong attraction that 
has to do with pride, style and a 
powerful piece of Arnericana. 
And because we build 
Harley-Davidson motorcycles to 
hold up, so does their value. This 
year, we guarantee it. 


Buy a new Harley Sportster” 


883 at a participating dealer 
before July 31, 1987. and Harley- 
Davidson will guarantee you 


63995 WHEN YOU BUY. 
$3995 WHEN YOU TRADE. 


$3995 if, within two years of the 
purchase date, you trade up to a 
new FX or FL model Harley.t 

What if you already own an 
883? The deal still holds. Just 
trade in your Sportster before 
April 30, 1987. 

Whether the Sportster 883 
is your first Harley” or your next 
Harley, you'll feel the pride of 
owning the machine that is pure 
American styling. 

From its classic peanut 


tank and shorty duals to its low- © 


rise handlebar with lone speedo, 


's:been grabbing everyone's 

attention on the street for 
30 years. 

Declare your independence. 
Talk to your nearby Harley- 
Davidson dealer. Take a look at 
the new Harleys. Ask about the 
883 Guarantee, 

And ride free. 

See your participating 
dealer today for complete rules 
and details, 


THINGS ARE DIFFERENT ON A HARLEY. 


affect бга 
©1987 Farley Davi 


PLAYBOY 


RUN AWAY TO ROME 


GET OFF TO AFLYING START 


5,000-THIRD PRIZES 5,000 avid 
See world-class athletes perform ? sports fans will receive a lightweight insulated 
in Rome while you continue to sports cooler that keeps your favorite liquid 
get a world-class performance. refreshment as hot or coo! as you like it, 
from your TDK audio and video 15,000-FOURTH PRIZES 15,000 runners-up can keep tabs on 
cassettes. the pace with a sporty high tech digital stopwatch that keeps 
2-$50,000 GRAND PRIZES. track of tine with pinpoint accuracy. 
If you're one of the lucky Grand Prize winners in TDK's "Dash for Go to your ТОК dealer today and pick up your entry coupon in 
for Cash" Sweepstakes, you'll receive a fully paid, 8-day/7-night specially marked packages of TDK audio and video cassettes or 
deluxe trip for 2 to the World Championships in Athletics to be write for entry coupon and official rules to “DASH FOR CASH", 
held in Rome August 29-September 6, 1987. It includes round- PO. Box 2312, Yonkers, NY 10703. Include a self addressed, 
trip airfare via Alitalia Airlines, luxury hotel accommodations stamped envelope, except residents of Washington and Ver- 
and 2 VIP passes to the games as guests of TDK. All this plus mont. One request per envelope. All requests for entry coupons 
$40,000 in cash! must be received by June 1, 1987. No purchase necessary. All 
5-FIRST PRIZES Five lucky first entries must be received by midnight June 30, 1987. Void where 
prize winners will win a fully prohibited. 1986 TDK Electronics Corp. 
paid Grand Prize trip for 2, 
complete with airfare, luxury 
accommodations and 2 VIP 


= passes, compliments of TDK. 
27 е Plus 55,000 in cash! 
лере 50-SECOND PRIZES Each of50 
second prize winners will receive 4 чё 
EXT DIK  зшеонһелиуаеосатсо- | | 
der to record their favorite live AND OTHER SPECIALI 


OFFICIAL AUDIO ANDVIDEO een re il 
BE | = &TDIC 
мопо CHAMBIONSHIPS IN ATHLETICS 
‘ROME. ITALY moments. Y THE ART 


OF PERFORMANCE. 


THE WORLD ОЕ PLAYBOY 


in which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and who's doing it 


ART FOR ART'S SAKE 


Celebrating his induction into the Art Direc- 
tors Club Hall of Fame in New York (below) 
аге PLaYBoY's Founding Art Director, Arthur 
Paul, who designed the Rabbit Head, and 
Playboy Enterprises President Christie Hef- 
ner. Also honored was thecreator of another 
world-famous eared creature, Walt Disney. 


CAN WE TALK? MEET THE PLATINUM PLAYBOY 


It's a hot time on the talk-show set as Joan Rivers gets 

her late-night gab fest going with an all-star panel of - 

guests. From left above are singer Michael McDonald, comic 

Howie Mandel and Mr. Playboy himself, Hugh M. Hefner. In the inset at 

right, Hef holds a matched pair. He has plenty to smile about: The more than 
two dozen home-entertainment programs produced by Playboy Video have gar- 
nered multiple awards for sales. Among the platinum winners have been the 
first Playboy Video magazine (left, with Playmate Lonny Chin on the cover) and 
the first Video Centerfold, featuring Miss January 1986, Sherry Arnett (right). 


VISITORS TO A 
STRANGE PLANET 


Miss June 1986, Rebec- 
ca Ferratti (left), stars in 
Cannon Films’ forthcom- 
ing adventure flicks Gor 
and Outlaw of Gor, based 
on the science-fiction 
books by John Norman. 
Here she's on location in 
Africa with boyfriend Jim- 
my Franzo, who plays a 
Snake man on the planet 
Gor. Rebecca plays the 
warrior princess Talena; 
co-stars include Oliver 
Reed, Jack Palance 
and Urbano Barberini. 


BLAZING 
ANOTHER 
SADDLE 


The shot at right 
isn't from science 
fiction: It’s January 
Playmate Luann 
Lee'snewSuzuki 
Quadracer poster. 
She has another 
one, too, forthe 
company's Intruder 
1400 bike. Sizzling. 


THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT 


Phillip Epstein, food and beverage director 
of the Sheraton Bal Harbour hotel, gets a 
boost (above) from Kansas forward Danny 
Manning (left) and St. John's guard Mark 
Jackson (right) during Playboy's AllAmerica 
Basketball weekend at the Florida resort. 9 


PLAYBOY 


Vision 
Break- 
through 


When | put on the pair of 
glasses what I saw І could 
not believe. Nor will you. 


By Joseph Sugarman 

Tam aboutto tell you a true story. If 
you believe me, you willbe well reward- 
ed. If you don't believe me, I will make 
itworth your whileto changeyourmind. 
Let me explain. 

Lenisafriend of mine who hasaneye 
for good products. One day he called ex- 
cited about a pair of sunglasses he own- 
ed. “It’s so incredible,” he said, “when 
you first look through a pair, you won't. 
believe it.” 

“What will I see?” I asked. “What 
could be so incredible?” 

Len continued, “When you put on 
these glasses, your vision improves. Ob- 
jects appear sharper, more defined. 
Everything takes on anenhanced3-D ef- 
fect. Andit's not my imagination. I just 
want you to see for yourself.” 

When I received the sunglasses and 
put them on I couldn’t believe my eyes. 
Tkept taking them off and putting them 
on to see if indeed what I was seeing 
through the glasses was indeed actual- 
lysharper orifmy imagination was play- 
ingtricks on me. But my vision improv- 
ed. It was obvious. I kept putting on my 
cherished $100 pair of high-tech 
sunglasses and comparing them. They 
didn’t compare. I was very impressed. 
Everything appeared sharper, more 
defined and indeed hada greater three 
dimensional look toit. But what did this 
product do that made my visionso much 
better? I found out. 

DEPRESSING COLOR 

The Perception sunglasses (called 
BluBlockers) filter out the ultraviolet 
and blue spectrum light waves from the 
sun. You've often heard the color blue 
used for expressions of bad moods such 
as‘‘blue Monday” or‘‘Ihavethe blues,” 
Apparently, thecolor blue, for centuries, 
hasbeen considered a rather depressing 
color. 

For eyesight, blueisnota good color 
too. There areseveral reasons. First, the 
blue rays have one of the shortest 
wavelength in the visible spectrum (red 


is the longest). Asaresult, the color blue 
will focus slightly in front of the retina 
which is the “focussing screen” onto 
which light waves fall in your eye. By 
eliminating the blue from thesunglasses 
through a special filtration process, and 
only letting those rays through that in- 
deed focus clearly on the retina, objects 
appear to be sharper and clearer. 

‘The second reason is even more im- 
pressive. It is not good to have 
ultraviolet rays fall on our eyes. 
Recognized as bad for skin, uv light is 
worse for eyes and is believed to play a 
role inmany of today’s eye diseases. In 
addition, people with contactlensesare 
at greaterriskbecause contacts tendto 
magnify the lightat their edges thus in- 
creasing the sun’s harmful effects. 

Finally, by eliminating the blue and 
uvlight during the day, your nightvision 
improves. The purple pigment in your 
eye called Rhodopsin is affected by blue 
lightand the eyes take hours to recover 
from the effects. 


SUNGLASS DANGER 

But what really surprisedme wasthe 
danger inconventional sunglasses. Our 
pupils close in bright light to limit the 
lightentering the eye and open wider at 
night just like the aperture in an 
automatic camera, So when we put on 
sunglasses, although we reduce the 
amountoflight thatenters our eyes, our 
pupils open wider and we are actually 
allowing moreofthe blue and ultraviolet 
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BluBlockers sunglasses are darkerat 
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They look like sunglasses. 


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We also have a clip-on pair that 
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I urge you to order a pair and ex- 
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DRAMATIC DIFFERENCE 

But from what Гуе personally 
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be no way you'll want to return it. 

Astronomers from many famous 
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To order, credit card holders call toll 
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IL residents add 7% sales tax. OJS&A Group, Inc.,1986 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


UHF CONVERTERS: 
* JERROLD > 


< 
“ОАК % 


REVVIN' WITH 7-ELEVEN 

Hooray, hooray for your pictorial 
Women of 7-Eleven (т\лузоу, December)! I 
was disgusted with 7-Eleven's deci 
bow down to the Moral Majority faction 
and suspend sales of PLAYBOY in its stores. I 
feel quite strongly that this action is a 
brcach of my constitutional rights and a 
frightening step toward “Big Brother is 
watching." My husband and 1 have 
enjoyed rLavuov for years and will con- 
tinue to do so despite the efforts of Meese, 
Falwell and the rest of the bunch. More 
power to you and your wonderful sense of 
timing 


ion to 


Mary R. Limoges 
Poway, California 


After 7-Eleven stopped selling PLAYBOY, 
I solemnly vowed I'd never set foot in one 
of its goddamn stores again. Now, with 
Women of 7-Eleven, vaveoy has presented 
me with a moral dilemma: whether to 
stick to my wavering principles or hotfoot 
it into 7-Elevens in scarch of those dyna- 
mite dolls 

Lanny R. Middings 

San Ramon, California 


The pictorial Women of 7-Eleven is а 
great way to come back against The 
Southland Corporation. 1 applaud you! 
For years I have subscribed to PLAYBOY and 
find absolutely nothing wrong with show- 
ing the nude human body as you do. 
There is great beauty in properly done 
nude photos. If The Southland Corpora- 
tion or any of those TV evangelists think 
we shouldn't read your magazine, 1 have 
only one thing to say to them: Just watch 
MTV on yor nnel 
of the things they do on MTV are disgust- 
ing. I do not have any children, but if I 
did, I would much rather they watched 
‘The Playboy Channel. 

Yes, you can publish this letter and use 
my пе. I hope the owner of The South- 
land Corporation sees it. I also hope a few 
of the evangelists sec it and like it (1 know 
they won't, but who the hell cares?). Just 


local cable cha 


Some 


* HAMLIN 27 


CALL TODAY FOR PRICE 


RADAR DETECTOR 


don't publish my address. | don't want to 
start receiving mail from the evangelists 
on any subject 

Albert 5. Lobel 

(Address withheld by request) 


Re Women of 7-Eleven—bravo! Now 
how about some Meescketeers (i.e, the 
women of the Justice Department)? 

Keep up the good work 

Luke Finlay 
Annapolis, Maryland 


RETAIL 
$249 


PIX CLICK 

І loved the old photos of tuxedocd 
celebrities in your Civilization. Revisited 
feature (рілуноу, December). Where did 
you find them? 


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PLAYER 


Rachel Morrison 
Rio Piedras, Puerto Rico 
From the top sources of vintage photos: 
The Bettmann Archive and Culver Pictures. 


RETAIL 
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GOING FOR GUMBEL 
After reading the December Playboy 
Interview with Bryant Gumbel, I stopped 
to write this letter before finishing the rest 
of the magazine, Gumbel's ability to anal- 
ogize interviewers, talk-show hosts and 
newspersons with players on a baseball 
team is fascinating. At first it sounded 
a stupid idea; but as Gumbel gave his rea 
sons for each selection, I had no problem 
imagining Johnny Carson as a steady first 
baseman or David Hartman as a durable 
catcher. 
Lam happy to sce Gumbel enjoying suc- 
cess on the Today show; however, I will 
miss him in sports. As a sports- 
he displayed the same candor that 
made his interview one of the best Гуе 
read in rLavpoy. Incidentally, 1 think he 
would make an excellent baseball com- 
missioner. 


RETAIL 
53000 


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TRIAL 


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(612) 560-6603 


Rick Roberts 
Dayton, Ohio 


1 fully agree with Bryant 
why should he bust his hump to make 
some jerk look terrific? Га much rather 
hear him chat with Jane Рашеу or Willard. 


QUICK 
DELIVERY 


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PLAYBOY 


12 


Scott than put up with the celebrity of the 
month pushing his/her latest book/movie/ 
ТУ show. The interview is an ezsy and 
enjoyable read, displaying Gumbel's wit, 
candor and insight, but scemed much too 
short. How about a follow-up—Gumbel 
11: The Story Continues? 

Paul Stefaniak 

Denver, Colorado 


Some years ago, Bryant Gumbel inter- 
viewed me on the Today show on the sub- 
ject of ground-water pollution. 1 thought 
he arrogantly interjected himself into the 
interview as an expert on something of 
which he had clearly only superficial 
knowledge. I have harbored an unfair bias 

st him ever since. David Rensin’s 
h him is one of ru.avuov’s best 
as an avid rcader of your 
Mr. Gumbel in the 


forward journalist with the kind of human 


ightness we should all desire from 
our television news celebrities. The 
Rensin/Gumbel baseball-tam gambit 
could well become a classic in brilliant 
interview repartee. 

I would like this letter to serve as a for- 
mal apology to Mr. Gumbel for my long- 
held unfair and undeserved opinions. May 
he and млуноу continue to do this job as 
well for many years to come 
Jay H. Lehr, Ph.D., Exccutive Director 
ational Water Well Association 
Dublin, Ohio 


KID STUFF 
1 really enjoyed Jean Penn's Rock Bruts 
(rLavnoy, December). Now that kids have 
started to turn their parents in to the 
police for committing various kinds of 
mischief, 1 think it’s important (o know 
just what our kids really do think of us. 
How about some interviews with parents 
of famous kids? What did the parents of 
sty McNichol, Michael Jackson, Ron 
Howard, Rob Reiner and Gary Coleman 
have to contend with? 
Jack S. Margolis 
Los Angeles, California 
We're ahead of you, Jack. Check out our 
July 1985 issue for some comments by Carl 
Reiner about life with son Rob. 


WIN A FEW, LOSE A FEW 

It has been said that a picture is worth 
1000 words. Those 1000 words would fall 
tenfold short of describing _ pLavucy’s 
December cover, featuring Brooke Shields. 
My compliments. 


John С. Poster 
Omaha. Nebraska 


What is this with the Brooke Shields 

cover? She's got about as much sex 

as a department-store manneq 
Р. В. Pantley 
Kirkland, Washington 


‘The December rravnov is by far your 
most tasteful issue. The cover photo of 


Miss Shields is absolutely succulent. 
Alfred К. Gudka 
Bloomingdale, Illinois 


Brooke Shields’s photograph on your 
December cover is a cruel and monstrous 
hoax. What was the motive for featuring a 
photograph of a woman known for her 
uncommon modesty on the cover of an 
erotic men's magazine? Is this a joke ora 


scam of some sort? 
J- В. Renn 
Redwood City, California 


Brooke Shields! Beautiful photograph, 
beautiful woman—but I get the impres- 
sion that she is unhappy. Why can't mod- 
els smile, especially for Christmas? 

С. E. Willis 
San Diego, California 


CLASSIC CARR 
Miss December, Laurie Carr, is a beau- 
tiful woman. But what sets her apart from 
so many others is the fact that she really 
smiles. I'm sure other readers will agree 
with me: Looking sexy and өшігу is nice, 
but a warm smile is also appreciated. 
Gordon Chow 
La Mesa, California 


Well, g 
you on making a recent college graduate 


s, I just want to congratulate 


regret having sold his drums for white- 
collarness. I wish 1 had known that the 
fe of a rock-'n-roll star could include 
a woman as incredible as Laurie 
Please, Laurie, tell me a business suit can 
be sexy, too. 


тг. 


J. Rogers 
t. Louis, Missouri 


Pm infatuated with your December 
Playmate, Laurie Ca-Ca-Carr. 1 still ca- 
ca-can't ca-ca-catch my breath. What 
beautiful eyes! Please, just one more look 
at the future Playmate of the Year. 

Cı E. Durr 


ingham, Illinois 


ОК, Craig—but are you sure you're nol 
ghostwriting for Max Headroom? 


BAD COMPANY? 

In her December Women column, Cyn- 
thia Heimel says that all she has seen in 
the movies lately is “Meryl Strecp be 
victimized. Or Robert Redford deciding 
between a good woman and а bad 
woman.” Where was I while this was 
going on? Oh, yes, I remember. I was hav- 
ing my socks blown off by Sigourney 
Weaver's stunning performance in Aliens. 

As for your assertion that Sigourney 
lacks personality, maybe you aren't her 
first choice "for a martini and a chat," 
either, Cynthia. 


Т. Richards 
St. Peter, Minnesota 


THE EYE OF THE BELIEVER 

I'd like to make some comments on 
your December issue. | am a Bible 
believing Christian, but I don't believe in 
censorship of апу kind. Woman is a beau- 
(fal creation, made from one of Adam's 
ribs, and your photographs are like Rem- 
brandt paintings. Readers can't have sex 
th these women; they probably will 
ncver mect them personally. So the photos 
arc art and I don't believe in censorship of 
them. It’s the same with the TV evar 
lists Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Jim 
Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart. They are but 
pictures on the boob tube—not even art- 
work. Vet these men get funds to support 
themselves and their empires through 
Christian gangsterism: extortion from gul- 


ect creation of 

hty dollar. 
Paul R. Van Engen 
Mattawan, Michigan 


almighty God, not 


GORILLA OUR DREAMS 
"Thank you for the 20 Questions. with 
Koko the gorilla in your Decemb: пе. 
Her commentary is far more entertaining 
and enlightening than the drivel coming 
out of the Attorney General's office and 
the Supreme Court these days 
William Holdsworth 
Providence, Rhode Island 


SENSE IN CINEMA 
L enjoy reading Bruce Williamson’s 
movie reviews each month and frequently 
consult them before and after ing a 
film, But when I desire to reread them, Um 
inconvenienced by having to flip through 
past issues, hoping that 1 have the correct 
onc. This time could be saved if you were 
to put the month the review appeared next 
to its title in the “Movie 
Another benefit would be that a reader 
could immediately learn by consulting the 
“Movie Score Card" whether or not the 
film had been reviewed. This would be a 
great service to me and, perhaps, to other 
readers. Keep up the good work. 
Larry Jacobucci 
Newnan, Georgia 
Thats a good suggestion, Larry. Check 
this month's “Score Card. 


© Lorillard, Inc., USA., 1966. 


Alive 
with pleasure! 


Newport Lights 


Newport pleasure comes 
to low-tar menthols ` 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking тер ОЙ 
Ву Pregnant Women May Result їп Fetal En ПУТ Кыр 


Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 100: 10 mg. “tar”, 0.8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, 
FTC Report February 1985. 


TOYOTA “5:4 TURDO 


RIDIN’ HIGH 
Hi-Trac independent 
front suspension 
gives you great 
ground clearance 
and a smoother ride, 


THE HIGH AND 
THE MIGHTY 


Where the pavement ends, Toyota 4x4 rule begins. And who but the leader 
іп 4х45 could bring you a truck like the Turbo SR5 Xtracab Sport? Heres 
real cab comfort, even when youre climbing and slithering along the back 
of beyond. Heres gas-turbo power and a slick 5-speed transmission to give 
you the edge on rough terrain. So stow your gear behind the seats and 
look out world. 


CALLOFTHE WILD 
Answer the call with the roar of a 
mighty gas-turbo 24 liter EFI 
engine that gives you 185 hp. Only 
"Toyota puts gas-turbo power in 
4x4 trucks. 


LOOKING OUT FOR YOU HAS MADE TOYOTA HL 


COULD ASK TOYOTA 
FOR ANYTHING 


MORE! 
Light bar not supplied by Toyota nor intended for occupant safety. 
© 1986 Toyota Motor Sales, USA; Inc. Get Моге From Life... Buckle Up! 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


THE HUMAN HOOK 

Watch for Showtime at the Apollo, 
upcoming on Saturday-night TV. It's not 
unlike Star Search, but йв origins go way 
back to a historic live show-—amateur 
night at the Apollo Theater in Harlem 
Amateur talent competitions have come 
and gone over the years, but the Apollo 
version has always been a little diflerent 
from all others—the Apollo audience has 
never been encouraged to hide its reac- 
tions. 

Although audience approval may reach 
fcver pitch in response to a piercingly pre- 
cise high note or a perlectly timed punch 
line, a muffed riff or a shallow rendition of 
a pithy ballad can evoke a barrage of boos 
sufficiently overwhelming to traumatize a 
young performer for life. Once, when a 
rookie comedian teetering on the brink of 
rejection attempted to save himself with 
an impression of Al Jarreau singing 
McDonald's theme song, hecklers nearly 
stormed the stage 

The inevitability of such disasters and 
the lynch-mob mentality they elicit has 
resulted in a position at the Apollo known 
as the Exterminator, a job faithfully exe- 
cuted for many years by Howard “The 
Sandman” Sims, a 69-year-old tap dancer 
whose show-business career began on an 
amateur night more than 30 years ago. 

Dunng particularly dismal acts, when 
an early exit seems mandatory, it is Sims 
who soft-shoes his way onto the stage and 
diplomatically conducts the performer to 
safety. Dressed in outrageous costumes 
with wigs, hats and sunglasses, Sims 
employs props—a siren, a trombone, а 
giant rubber hammer—to distract the 
audience while he shuttles the nixed per- 
former off stage. “Тһе buzzard roost— 
that's the second balcony—can get 
vicious and they'll throw things and holler 
all sorts of names if they don’t like you,” 
Sims states grimly. “Getting little kids off 
the stage is very delicate, because you 
don't want to hurt their feelings, but you 
can’t let them stay out there and take all 
that abuse, either.” 

During one recent show, Sims had to 
remove so many acts that “hell, they even 


booed me off stage,” he cackles. In fact, 
one reason he wears such crazy outfits is to 
ensure his own survival. Some acts dis- 
lodged from the stage by Sims have waited 
around until after the show to get even 
with him. “But,” he says, shrugging philo- 
sophically, “since they never know what I 
really look like, they don’t know who to go 
after. One guy who was looking for me 
even asked me if 'd seen me anywhere.” 


GUNS & AMMO 


President Reagan sometimes wonders 
out loud why all those pesky reporters 
insist on giving coverage to his Adminis 
tration’s inconsequential little covert 
operations in foreign countries. Until now, 
we had supposed that such journalistic 
excesses probably resulted from the pro- 
verbial slow news day—afier all, newsp 
pers had to publish something, didn’t 
they? But now we think the media are just 
trying to give the public what it wants 

Judging from the 1986 figures for maga- 
zine circulation, the public wants to read 
about the stuff of covert little wars stuff 
such as handguns, other weaponry and 


secret operations. The Audit Bureau of 
Circulations reports that while subscrip- 
tions were down 50.1 percent for National 
Lampoon and 14.8 percent for Amen- 
cana in 1986, subs to Soldier of Fortune 
increased 24.9 percent, and American 
Handgunner subs rose 20.8 percent. So 
what's a news medium to do? We think the 
President should forgive the media their 
intemperance. After all, even he admitted 
he admired Rambo. 


TINY TEMPEST 


After a foreign student at the University 
of Illinois designed the set for a produc- 
tion of Shakespeare’s The Tempest, stage- 
hands assembled it according to his 
specifications. Only опе problem—the 
specs were scaled to the metric system and 
the stagehands were working in inches 
and feet, so the set turned out to be much 
smaller than it was supposed to be. No 
word of complaint fom the actors. We 
suppose it helped their egos 


FACTOID OF THE MONTH 


Did you know that the dog treat known 
as jerky is actually made from dried cow 
lungs? Yuk. 
. 
New York's Hard Rock Cafe has posted 
this message on its bathroom-stall doors 
NO DRUGS OR NUCLEAR WEAPONS ALLOWED. 


"SIT, FLORES, SIT” 


When Santa Cruz County, California, 
deputy sheriff Joc Flores couldn't overtake 
a flecing prowler, he decided to bluff. Fk 

res shouted that he would send a police 
dog after the prowler if he didn't stop. 
When that failed, Flores barked at him 
‘The prowler stopped in his tracks and was 


apprehended. 


. 

Dr. А. Jay Block of the University of 
Florida Health Science Center says that 
people who snorc аге more likely to score 
lower on intelligence tests than those who 
don't. In studies, Dr. Block has found that 
snorers experience breathing lapse 
ing sleep, resulting in oxygen loss, which is 


dur- 


15 


RAW DATA 


Weight of a hockey 
38 pound. 
ht of the world's 
largest ball of string: 
10,000 pounds. Aver- 
age weight of a Chi- 
huahua: five pounds. 
Average weight of a 
Saint Bernard: 190 
pounds. Average 
weight of Fred 
Astaire: 140 pounds. 
. 

Average amount of 
dust to settle on the 
U.S. cach year: 
43,000,000 tons. 
Amount per six-room 
house: 40 pounds. 

. 

Air time, New York to Tokyo: 15 
hours and 35 minutes. 

. 

Average number of sperm per ejacu- 
lation: horse, eight billion; human, 
500,000,000; mink, 960,000; golden 
hamster, 3450. 


. 
Percentage of women іп various U.S. 
occupations: secretaries, 99.2: nurses, 
96.7; bus drivers, 45.1: auto mechanics, 
ir-conditioning mechanics, 0.0. 
. 

Percentage of nonwhites in various 
US. occupations: domestic workers, 
52.5; garbage collectors, 32.9; lawyers, 
2.7, airline pilots, 1.4. 

А 

Percentage of American lawyers who 
own a new Mercedes, 7.2; who own а 
piano, 39.3; a car tape deck, 57.7; a 
35mm camera, 75.4; a home-security 
system, 15.1. 

Average annual income ofan Ameri- 
can lawyer: $104,625. 

Number of lawyers with a net worth 
of $1,000,000 or more: опе out of nine. 


. 
Snail's pace: .00758 mph: 
Length of: 
AIL the te: 

tons. 
Velocity ol a speeding bullet fired by 

а Colt 45: 800 feet per second. 

. 
Number of Americans over 100 
ycars old: 13,000; number who are 

overweight: 16,000,000. 


China: 356,000 metric 


Length of gestation 
of an African ele- 
phant, 610 days; of a 
human, 267 days; of a 
rabbit, 31 days. 

. 


“Temperature at 
which butter тей: 88 
degrees Fahrenheit. 

. 

Length of time that 
caffeine remains in the 
blood stream after 
ingestion; adults, five 
to six hours; pregnant 
women alter the first 
trimester, ten to 18; oral- 
contraceptive users, 
12; smokers, 3.5. 

. 

Percentage of Americans who 
approved of U.S. bombing raid on 
Libya: 71. 

Percentage who approve of future 
f there are more terrorist attacks; 


ra 
80. 

Percentage who would have turned 
down a trip to Europe last summer 
because of terrorism: 79. 

. 

Percentage ol Americans who habit- 
ually wear seat belts: in 1973, 28; in 
1982, 17; in 1986, 52. 

. 


Percentage of parents who would let 
their children attend school with a 
child who had AIDS: 67. 

. 

Percentage ol Americans who think 
the national drinking age should be 
21, 80; who favor the 55-mph speed 
limit, 66; who say they always obey the 
limit, 17. 

Percentage of Americans whose 
favorite evening entertainment is 
watching TV: in 1966, 46; in 1974, 46; 
in 1986, 33. 

Percentage of Americans who 
believe that homosexuals should not be 


given jobs in sales, 22; in the military, | 


38; in teaching, 60. 

Percentage of Americans who 
believe that female nudity in films 
should be illegal: 32. 

Percentage of Americans who 
believe that people should have the 
right to sec or read pornography: 78. 

PARKER KENNETT and TERRY RUNTÉ 


known to imp: clligence. We suppose 
further research will reveal. more—but 
don’t hold your breath. 

. 

Mike Tyson’s convincing victory over 
‘Trevor Berbick has made him the young- 
cst heavyweight champion in history. 
After the fight last fall, Berbick's trainer, 
Angelo Dundee, had no words of encour- 
agement for future contenders. Chicago 
Tribune columnist Bob Verdi asked Dun- 
dee about Tyson. “Гуе never seen anyone 
like him. How do you fight him? With a 
gun," deadpanned Dundee, who counts 
Muhammad Ali among his many former 
trainees. “How do you slow him down?" 
he mused. “1 don't know. He's young. 
Maybe hell find himself a. girlfriend." 
How about a rcal knockout? 


HOW YA GONNA KEEP 'EM 
DOWN ON THE FARM? 


Proving once again that the National 
Organization of Women's work is ncver 
done, Darrel Lafon of Des Moines, Iowa, 
has opened a garage employing topless 
female grease monkeys. Boob and Lube 
has been picketed by 50 NOW members, 
but Lalon is ng that protests will 
only increase his business. Don't, how- 
ever, bet on Shirley Muldowney's rolling 
in for a tunc-up. 


. 
Cyndi Smock, the wife of Campus 
Ministry's founder, the Reverend Jed 
Smock, visited Dartmouth College last fall 
with some advice on dating, sex and mar- 
riage. The self-prodaimed “born- 
virgin” condenined Dartmouth women as 
whores who drive men to masturbation 
with “premarital К Then Cyndi 
instructed coeds to ¢ potential hus- 
bands with three questions: Are you ready 
to rule over me? Are you willing to die for 
me? Do you masturbate? camer answers: 
yes, yes and no. 


PRAYING WITHOUT A NET 


Three touring American tennis players 
were sent home from Nigeria after seeing 
God, according to a Reuters report. ‘The 
Supreme Being apparently directed Mor- 
ris Strode and Bud Cox to tear up their 
money, traveler's cl and passports 
and renounce tennis. Jimmy Gurfein 
crashed through the of his first- 
floor hotel room screaming, “Jesus!” And 
here we thought God was love. 


THE MATING GAME 


Faced with declining income from its 
oil-and-gas industry, Indonesia has de- 
cided to place more emphasis on tourist 
attractions. One new form of entertain- 
ment being considered is an elephant- 

ing show. Indonesian Travel Agencies 
ion chairman Sri Mulyono be- 
lieves that tourists “who arc fond of 
strange things not existing in their coun- 
try” will be fascinated. We think it will 
just make them feel insecure. 


OBSESSION 


FOR MEN 


I Charge. Account No. 


Signoture (required И using credit cord) 


1 
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18 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


WHEN a shocker is as well crafted and chill- 
ing as The Stepfather (New Century/Vista), 
some of its claims to seriousness seem 
unnecessary. Taking off with a screenplay, 
by Donald E. Westlake, tightly woven 
from the loose ends of an actual unsolved 
case, director Joseph Ruben explores the 
psyche of a serial killer who has grue- 
somely murdered his whole family about 
the time we тесі him. He then sets off 
to start a life with an attractive 
young widow (Shelley Hack) and her un- 
happy teenaged daughter (Jill Schoclen), 
a perceptive kid with a strong hunch 

new 


new 


there's something weird about t 
dad. As Stepfather moves toward a breath- 
stopping climax, with many intermediate 
stops along the way, the odds increase that 
the youngster will be proved dead right, 
In the title role, Terry O'Quinn performs 
with cool precision as an affable middle- 
dass maniac subject to unexpected light- 
ning bolts of rage when crossed. While it 
may be argued that director Ruben is 
exploring the dark side of an clusive 
American dream about home and family, 
I suspect he's keenet to keep an audience 
riveted with whatever he can find in his 
bag of stylish movie tricks. Hc uscs them 
sparingly, with a minimum of gory detail, 
and that's good enough to send thrill seck- 
ers home wasted but happy. ¥¥¥ 
. 

Replacing perfectly fine Broadway ac- 
tors with bankable movie stars is no guar- 
antec that a hit play will succecd on 
screen. An infusion of star power, how- 
ever, seems altogether beneficial for 
Crimes of the Heart (Dc Laurentiis), Beth 
Henley's Pulitzer Prize-winning comedy. 
On Broadway, Henley struck me as 
à watered-down Tennessee Williams or 
Carson McCullers, with a good ear for 
dialog but very little weight behind her 
overpraised stage sitcom about three 
eccentric sisters pooling their problems in 
the town of Hazlehurst, Mississippi. But 
with Diane Keaton, Jessica Lange and 
Sissy Spaeck under the direction of 
Australian-born director Bruce Beresford, 
Crimes becomes а wiple-ihreat tour de 
force. Which of the three actresses will be 
the front runner for an Oscar is anybody's 
guess at presstime, though my money 
would be on Spacek, who's both droll 
and poignant as Babe—the ditsy sister 
charged with shooting her husband be- 
cause, as she enigmatically confesses, "I 
didn't like his looks.” Sissy’s showstopper 
is a failed-suicide scene so cunningly car- 
ried out that any further description might 
spoil it. 

Keaton, cast against type, plays the 
stay-at-home spinster sister with а 
“shrunken ovary,” and Lange is the 
bimbo who has a fling with her married 


O'Quinn, Schoelen in chilling Stepfather. 


New faces ina 
taut thriller; star 
power enhances Crimes. 


former beau (Sam Shepard) after her Hol- 
Iywood singing career has been stymied 
by a nervous breakdown. Both are excep- 
tional. “Tess Harper, as a meddlesome 
kissin’ cousin, and David Carpenter, 
as Babe's enraptured defense attorney, 
round out a company of adroit farceurs who 
give Henley’s screen adaptation a warm 
new tingle of life. Taken on its own terms, 
as flavorsome potluck instead of a seven- 
course meal, Crimes is a picnic. WIN Ya 
. 

Back on home ground among the abo- 
rigines of Queensland, Beresford also 
wrote and directed The Fringe Dwellers 
(Atanti: This exotic and carthy slice 
of life, based on a novel considered a 
modern classic down under, examines 
n uprooted, racially ambiguous family 
called the Comeaways. While they try to 
escape from a makeshift village of corru- 
gated huts into a ncat white tract house 
town, their moves toward upward mobil- 
ity seem predestined to fail. Scen mostly 
from the perspective of a proud, hand- 
some native girl (Kristina Nehm) who 
vows she'll put aboriginal ways behind 
her, Fringe Dwellers—not altogether in- 
advertently—bolsters many a negative 
racist preconception about poor blacks. 
Here, the menfolk are shiftless and irre- 
sponsible, the girls fertile as well as fairly 
casy, and people given a nice new house 
tend to despoil it with loud colors and 
loud fighting or by moving in hordes of 
noisy relatives. The heroine manages to 
extricate herself at last only after her ille- 


gitimate baby has suffered a suspicious 
fatal “accident.” Although he shows com- 
passion, Beresford pulls few punches in 
depicting the kind of slow genocide gener- 
ally rationalized as social progress. Amer- 
ican Indians will understand. У 

. 

Those Thorn Birds lovebirds, Rachel 
Ward and Bryan Brown, met and married 
while making the TV miniseries. They аге 
teamed again in The Good Wife (Atlantic), 
a feverish romantic melodrama that is 
energized by eroticism but is ultimately 
derailed by serious lapses of logic. Peter 
Kenna’s screenplay, set in a backwoods 
Australian community circa 1939, begins 
well enough with a graceful and touching 
performance by Ward as a lumberjack’ 
bored, childless wife, а local do-gooder 
who notes wistfully, "Sometimes it seem: 
nothing exciting will ever happen to me. 
All that changes when her devoted hus- 
band (Brown) inexplicably approves her 
sleeping with his lusty kid brother (Steven 
Vidler), presumably to preserve close 
family ties. Soon after, the wocbegone wife 
goes quictly, then not so quictly, ber- 
serk—maddened by her sexual obses- 
sion with a bartender (Sam Neill) who 
won't give her a tumble, though hc sets 
out to seduce every other female for miles 
around. The movie lacks conviction, but 
not for want of watchable efforts by Ward, 
Brown and Neill, a trio of А-1 actors in 
search of an author. YY 

. 

"Ehe perennially radiant Julie Christie, 
as Miss Mary (New World), brings her par- 
ticular magic to an atmospheric period 
piece by Argentine director María Luisa 
Bemberg, whose Camila was a 1985 Oscar 
nominee. Made in English but set in 
Argentina during a volatile political cra 
before the 1945 emergence of Juan Perón, 
Bemberg's depiction of family life among 
the right-wing aristocrats of the time is 
graceful and satirical, with a cutting criti- 
cal edge. Christie plays the houschold’s 
prim English governess, a woman who 
keeps her passionate nature in check while 
tutoring two young girls but ultimately 
succumbs to their handsome older brother 
(Donald McIntyre) one stormy night after 
a party celebrating his coming of age. 
Exposed and dismissed almost immedi- 
ately, the governess кос. Most of her sad 
tale unfolds in flashbacks, but what the 
lady's fall from grace has to do with the 
sc of the Peronistas remains a mystery 
that neither Bemberg's film sense nor 
Christie's incandescence can bring to 
light. That dichotomy takes a lot out of 
Mary. AY Ya 


. 

Father-son enmity erupts at well- 
clocked intervals in Billy Galvin (Vestron), 
with Karl Malden as a high-rise construc- 
tion worker in Boston who wants his son 


Billy (Lenny Von Dohlen) to study archi- 
tecture so he can design the skyscrapers 
that lesser men build. Well, Billy would 
rather be like Dad, if only Dad could 
say “I love you." Thereby hangs an all- 
too-familiar tale retold by writer-director 
John Gray with obvious sincerity, au- 
thentic local color and reams of all-too- 
conventional dialog about needing to love 
one another because “life goes by so fast.” 
The movie cannot be charged with speed- 
ing, but Malden and Von Dohlen осса- 
sionally force electricity into the long, long 
pauses. ¥ 


. 

Show me a top female star who would 
pass up the chance to play ап alcoholic 
actress on the skids, and Ull show you 
Joan Grawlord’s secret recipe for girl- 
scout cookies. Jane Fonda, taking tempo- 
rary leave from social nificant issues, 
galvanizes The Morning After (Fox) as a 
bleached-blonde Hollywood bimbo who's 
scared stiff after she wakes up one bleary 
мм. in bed with a very dead porno entre- 
preneur known as the king of sleaze. 
Jane's cultural slumming expedition is a 
kick, though Morning After is по Klute. 
Despite Sidney Lumct's lively direction, 
this thriller—even with Jeff Bridges and 
Raul Julia to add staunch support— 
winds up woefully undernourished. Any 
armchair sleuth will know within minutes 
that the heroine has been framed, and 
James Hicks’s haphazard screenplay offers 
scant margin for error in pinpointing 
suspects. What you see and what you 
get is Jane on a holiday from high- 
mindedness—a dazzling, dynamic floozy. 
letting all stops out but instinctively infus- 
g her B-movie has-been with a touch of 
class. YY 


. 

Mary Steenburgen, gamely tackling a 
triple role in Arthur Penn's Dead of Winter 
(MGM), starts off as a young actress hired 
to stand in for a murder victim she strik- 
gly resembles—a detail she doesn’t 
grasp until she's trapped in a remote 
country house with two diabolical schem- 
juicily played by Roddy McDowall 
d Jan Rubes. Although Steenburgen’s a 
bit mild for pure bitche Winter itself 
strikingly resembles those arch formula 
thrillers of yore in which Olivia de 
Havilland or Bette Davis would play iden- 
tical twins, at least one of them seething 
with homicidal impulses. The potboiler 
plot seems pretty thin gruel for Penn, but 
he frames a scene with flair and pushes 
performers to wring spinc-stiflening sus- 
pense [rom rather familiar fluff. 9% 

. 

In its newest and zaniest incarnation, 
Little Shop of Horrors (Warner) is chock-full 
of top bananas, among them John Candy, 
James Belushi, Bill Murray and Steve 
Martin, doing guest shots. Unquestiona- 
bly mingly funny in his 
as a sadistic dentist, steals the show. As 
his masoch patient, Murray has the 
part played by Jack Nicholson in Roger 


ers 


Fonda, frowzily fantasti 


Fonda as a bimbo, 
Martin as a dentist? 
Odd, but it all works. 


Corman’s 1960 black comedy, later trans- 
into a stage musical with book 
y y Howard Ashman (music by 
lan Menken), In this song-filled ci 
ema version, Rick Moranis drolly play 
mour, the schnook who works in a 
‘ow flower shop and discovers a flesh- 
cating plant that has ап insatiable аррс- 
tite. Seymour calls his find Audrey II in 
tribute to a bruised shopgirl named 
Audrey (Ellen Greene). who gets beaten 
up a lot by that dentist, while he lasts. The 
special effects аге а tongue-in-check trib- 
ute to Spielberg and his ilk, and there's 
суеп a glitzy Greek chorus. E 
Oz (of Muppets fame) makes all of it 
stagy, sublimely silly and as flamboyantly 
trashy as that other cult favorite, The 
Rocky Horror Picture Show. ¥¥¥ 
. 

The stringent asceticism of Thérése (C 
cle Releasing), filmed on minimal sets 
without background music, makes it hard. 
slogging for moviegoers in search of sim- 
ple pleasures. Even so, sheer integrity 
brings a glow to French director Alain 
Cavalier's austere chronicle of the life, 
death and long-sullering devotion оГ 
Thérèse Martin, a sickly country 
became a bride of Chri 
order and was canoni; 
three decades after her deat 
between religious exaltation and auto- 
erotic sensuality is а fine one, but Cava- 
lier consistently manages to illuminate it 
without a hint of prurience. His acc in 
the unremitting holiness is Catherine 
Mouchet, an unaffected young actress 
whose beauty and innocence produce 
something like a miracle to crown a mag- 
nificently disciplined piece of work. ¥¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Billy Golvin (Scc review) Father-son 
conflicts on building site. Y 
Brighton Beoch Memoirs (Reviewed 2/87) 
If you believe Blythe Danner as a Jew- 
ish mother, enjoy. БЫ 
Children of a Lesser God (12/86) Hurts 
all heart opposite lip reader Matlin, 
who's all hurt. WI, 
The Color of Money (12/86) Scorsese 
revisits The Husiler with Cruise contol 
and a triumphant Paul Newman. ¥¥¥¥ 
Crimes of the Heart (See review) Three 
screen sisters heat up Henley. ¥¥¥¥% 
Dead of Winter (Sce review) Middling 
suspense abetted by Penn pal. Уу 
The Decline of the American Empire 
(12/86) Sex games people play. ¥¥¥ 
Duet for One (2/87) Ailing Andrews fid- 
dles while Bates roams. v 
52 Pick-up (2/87) John Glover trumps 
as villain in Elmore Leonard plot. ¥¥¥ 
The Fringe Dwellers (Sec 
aborigines down under. 
The Golden Child (Listed only) Murphy 
into mysticism. Mediocre comedy. YY 
The Good Wife (Sec review) Some Aussic 
rustics have a go at bed hoppi E 
Heartbreak Ridge (Listed only) Glint 
Eastwood trains Marines to curse, 
swagger and invade Grenada. ¥¥¥% 
Little Shop of Horrors (Scc review) All- 
star sci-fi set to music. yyy 
The Mission (1/87) For Jesuit martyrs, 


it's really a jungle out there. | ¥¥¥% 
Miss Могу (Sce review) Prime time for 
Julie Christie fans, period. EA 


The Morning After (Sce review) Through 


a glass darkly, Fonda working ош. YY 
The Mosquito Coast (2/87) Theroux 
ng to Harrison Ford. yyy 


Notive Son (2/87) Richard Wrights 


classic, dated but deserving. WV 
No Mercy (Listed only) Colorful, 
implausible suspense down in bayou 


country—with Kim Bas 
Richard Gere as avenge УУ 
Platoon (1/87) Harrowing drama about 
U.S. youth on the line in "Nam. УУУУ 
Rivers Edge (2/87) Odd Americana. 
Some clean-cut high school kids aid 
and abet a murderous psycho. ҰЯ 
Something Wild (2/87) U 


nger as prize, 


Daniels meets Melanie yyy 
Stor Trek IV (Listed 2/87) Saving whales, 
deftly spoofing the seri WY, 


The Stepfather (Sce review) Just keep 
weapons out of his reach УУУ 
Sweet Country (2/87) Well-meaning but 
dim drama about a crisis in Chile. ¥¥ 
Therese (Sec review) A nun's story in an. 


austere French tableau vivant. ¥¥¥ 
¡Three Amigos! (2/87) A droll posse add- 
ing up to Zorro. viv 


YY Worth a 
¥ Forget it 


¥¥¥¥ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


look 


amed, Jeff 


18 


Europe’s answer 
to thinning hair: 
Eoltene, | 

a es 
solution. 


Now available in the United States 


Foltene” is a remarkable European 
discovery that brings new help to 
millions with thinning hair. 


Facts about thinning hair. 


Bcyond the age of 25, our bodies 
tend to lose the vibrance and vitality 
they had in youth. And so does our 
hair. Fewer hairs are produced, and 
those that are tend 
to be weaker. (One 
majorreason is that 
Ше microcircula- 
tion within our hair 
follicles, which 
leads to healthy 
looking hair, slows like our circula- 
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nutrients circulation brings, activity 
within the hair follicles shuts down. 
The hair begins to lose sheen, man- 
agcability and strength. 

Another natural symptom of ma- 
turity is that the body usually pro- 
duces fewer natural hair conditioners. 
Without them, hairs are thinner in di- 
ameter, and weaker; more susceptible 
to breakage. 


You are not alone. 


Thinning hair and weak hair is a 
problem for men and women all over 
the world. Nearly 43% of all айин 
males have thinning hair. By 50 years 
of аве, 25% of all women have also 
begun to experience hair thinning or 
changes in patterning. Part of this 
problem is hereditary. And although 
neither Foltene nor any other product 
has been proven to be a cure for male 
pattern baldness, Folténe does repre- 
senta remarkable breakthrough in the 
treatment of thinning hair. 


Some encouraging news from 
research. 


Recently, heart research scientists. 
both in Europe and America, noticed 
that special compounds they were 
testing had an interesting effect. 
When they were used in topical hair 
treatments, condition of thinning hair 
significantly improved. 

The European rescarchers went оп 
to identify, extract and purify this fol- 
licle reactivating substance. А sub- 
stance which was soon to become 
the primary ingredient іп Foltene. 


How Foltene works—a double 
action system. 


The secret of Foltene Treatment for 
Thinning Hair is a mixture of biologi- 
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COOH CH,O-R 
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{9 OH Ао Кон o 
OH NH-R 
Тассвассалде Basic Structure. In 
When massaged into the scalp, the 
Foltene double action systemactually 
penetrates both the hair shaft and the 
hair follicle, filling them with the 
nourishment and conditioning that 
healthy, attractive hair requires. Be- 
cause of this action, Folténe not only 
strengthens each individual hair 
shaft. it also rejuvenates the follicle. 


How to get Foltene. 


Foltene Treatment for Thinning 
Hair is at last being introduced in 
America and soon will be available at 
selected department stores and better 
hair styling salons. But the only way 
to get this remarkable European 
discovery now is to use the attached 
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21 


МІС GARBARINI 


THE FIVE-RECORD LIVE SET Bruce Springsteen 8 
the E Street Band Live / 1975-85 (Columbia) 
has been eagerly awaited by the faithful 
for the past umpteen years. Its 40 selec- 
tions have been culled from more than. 
a decade of marathon touring, ranging 
from a moving acoustic Thunder Road, 
recorded during a club date circa 1975, 10 
selections from the multiplatinum Born in 
the US.A., recorded at the Los Angeles 
Coliseum almost ten years later. And 
although they're often Springsteen's most 
fully realized works, the later songs some- 
mes sound strident and strained—as if 
written to be pitched toward the back 
bleachers of the stadiums he’s been filling. 
Three songs from the unre 
Nebraska are 
the Boss is just as willing as Elvis Costello 
and Johnny Lydon (and often more able) 
to confront his demons, while the cight 
selections from Born in the U.S. 


of reality with his hope, vision and humor 
not just unimpaired but renewed. Maybe 
y attempt to capture rock's most 
cathartic performer live on vinyl must be 
somewhat disappointing. But if Badlands 
ог Caudys Room or The Promised Land 
doesn’t transport you to that place where 
you first discovered that rock "n" roll could 
free your soul, check your pulse. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


All who think that traditional blues 
rock and the double live album are mori- 
bund forms are hereby directed to check 
out live Alive (Epic), by Stevie Ray 
Vaughan (and Double Trouble), who is the 
ace number-one bull-goose guitar hero of 
the decade. No one could accuse Vaughan 
of originality; but Vladimir Horowitz 
doesn’t make up his own tunes, cither. 

As long as we're on the subject of virtu- 
osos, my nomination for ace number-one 
bull-goose hero of the acoustic guitar (six- 
and 12-string) gocs to Preston Reed for The 
Road Less Travelled (Flying Fish). Not many 
people have heard of him, because his 
style falls between the cracks: He ain't 
New Age, һе ain't folky, he ain't jazz and 
he ain't rock. Well, then, what is he? Very, 

fast. More orchestral than Stanley 

ап. Early Leo Kottke is probably the 
closest precedent, so let's call him neo-Leo 
and start a new genre just for Reed. 

A lot of the best New Age music is old 
age, specifically medieval. My theory is 
that at any given concert 400 years ago, 
half the audience was probably dying of 
bubonic plague, tuberculosis or syphi 
and the musicians were therefore prima- 
rily interested in cooling people out rather 
than in inducing a jig. So if you want to 
cool out, listen to Legacy of the Scottish Harp- 


E Street live. 


Two Davids; two 
Durans; there's 
still only one Bruce. 


ers, Volume Two (Flying Fish), by Robin 
Williamson, a Scottish harpist who dug 
around in some dank basements and dis- 
covered some great tunes that haven't 
been heard since Black Death was domi- 
ing the charts. 


NELSON GEORGE 


This is a tale of two very different black 
guitar heroes, Nile Rodgers and Robert 
Gray. Once a partner in disco's best band, 
Chic, Rodgers has since become a pro- 
ducer to the stars, with good (Madonna, 
David Bowie) and, more recently, bad 
(Philip Bailey, Al Jarrcau) results. He's 
back in the good groove with Notorious 
(Capitol), by Duran Duran. Those 
revamped pretty boys, with erage 
White Band drummer Steve Ferrone funk- 
ing up the skins (and programing on the 
drum machine), are as danceable as they 
wanna be on the title track, as well as on 
Proposition and Vertigo. А surprisingly 
artsy and affecting ballad, Winter Marches 
On, suggests that the fab five (now minus 
some original members) haven’t been 
hanging out only at clubs. 

While Rodgers makes superstars sound 
super, Gray is building a carcer that may 
make him the first black blues-gui tar 
since Jimi Hendrix. As a player, he есһосв 
such masters as Freddie and Albert King 
without becoming a blues “greatest licks” 
machine. On his major-label debut, Strong 
Persuader (Mercury/Hightone), Cray per- 
forms with spirit and fire, doing some seri- 


ous blues-guitar house rocking on New 
Blood and exercising his pliant, soulful 
vocals on I Guess I Showed Her. This 
strong statement firmly establishes Gray 
as an important figure in contemporary 
music 


DAVE MARSH 


David and David's Boomtown (A&M) 
may be the most impressive debut album 
of the past year. Certainly. it’s uncom 
monly sophisticated and intelligent. Vo- 
calist and lyricist David Baerwald and 
musical architect David Ricketts, together 
with producer Davitt Sigerson, make 
music of diverse textures that captures the 
modern and decaying quality of lives in 
such overexpanded urban centers as 
Houston and (especially) Los Angeles. 
Here's a succ il ia sound 
that relics neither on close harmony nor 
on denatured rhythm-and-blues. What 
Ксерз you coming back is pure mystique, 
embodied in the sound itself, a mixture of 


GUEST SHOT 


HAVING COLLABORATED previously with 
such jazz greats as Dexter Gordon, 
Quincy Jones and Chick Corea, bassist 
Stanley Clarke looked for Ihe abstract 
truth with colleagues Herbie Han- 
cock, Stewart Copeland and David 
Sancious on his new LP, “Hideaway.” 
We asked Clarke for the truth about 
Talking Heads’ “True Stories" (Sire). 

“Many years ago, while I was 
doing a European tour with Jeff 
Beck, Talking Heads opened for us. 
I liked them then and I still do. 
They don't profess to be the world's 
best musicians, but they take what 
they have and unprctentiously de- 
liver it 100 percent. On True Stories, 


they continue their tradition of 
working with ethnic American 
sounds. David Byrne’s lyrics arc 


simple, but he picks key words that 
let the songs tell many stories. 
two gets very visual. If you haven't 
seen the movie, you can imagine 
what might be in it.” 


thesized devices and gloriously wail- 
guitars that sharply accentuate the 


Treatment for Thinning Hair. 


е L— = 
O visa O MasTERC O AMERICAN EXPRESS О CHECK OR MONEY ORDER 
EAMAN ГЛ Г ЕЙ 


uing bank = - — 


Charge Ace 


Fxpiration Date Signature (required for credit card) 


TO ORDER BY PHONE CALL TOLL FREE 1-800-847-4438 Іп Minnesota call 1-800-742-5685 


FOLTENE® ® Dept, PY-3 ө P.O, Bax 521 ® Chanhassen, Minnesota 55317-9987 


S 


AFIT 


L866-LLESS NW 'NISSYHNYHO 
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PERFORMANCE COUNTS. 


| SAME GREAT TASTE 
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9 mg. “tar”, 0.7 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


1986 RJ. REYNOLDS TOBACCO СО. 


Тһе coins іп this collection 
will bear the first new 
coinage portrait of Queen 
Elizabeth II to be issued in 
20 years. Shown actual 
size. Diameter: 38mm. 


А. extraordinary new series 
of official legal tender coins— 
the first of its kind ever issued 
by any government... 


Тһе Government of the British Virgin Islands announces 


The TREASURE COINS 
of the Cartbbean 


IN SOLID STERLING SILVER 


A collection of 25 silver Proof coins, portraying the most important 
sunken treasures of the Caribbean— recovered and unrecovered. 


Available by subscription only. 
Face value: $20 U.S. | Price for 
Collector's Proofs: $25 U.S. 

Price guaranteed for subscriptions 
entered by March 31, 1987. 


THE CARIBBEAN ... crossroads of 
empire and wealth. Where galleons, 
men-of-war and marauding privateers 
challenged the elements—and one an- 
other—in their quest for treasure. And 
where, today, adventurers explore for 
those ships that went down long ago— 
laden with riches beyond measu: 

Now, for the very first time, you can 
acquire a collection of official coinage 
that embodies this seafaring heritage of 
the Caribbean. A collection of monetary 
coins unlike other ever issued. 
Consisting оГ sterling silver coins 


that recapture, in superb sculptured 
detail, the legendary treasures of the. 
Spanish Main. 


Treasure Рой 


© 87 eu DU 


The Franklin Mint 
Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091 


OFFICIAL 


The TREASURE COINS of the Caribbean 


As legal tender of the British Virgin 
Islands, the coins will bear a face value 
of $20, equal to $20 in U.S. currency. 
The coins are large—the size of cov- 
eted pieces of eight. And Proofs will be 
struck only in solid sterling silver. The 
тазе of this precious metal is becoming a 
rarity in world coinage—especially in 
coins of this size and weight. 

Portrayed on the coins will be the. 
most significant treasures of the fabu- 
lous ships of fortune lost in the Carib- 
bean. Each has been selected through a 
major initiative involving marine ar- 
chaeologists, treasure-divers, and such. 
noted repositories of maritime records 
as the British Museum, Lloyds of Lon- 
don, and the Archivo General de las In- 
dias —the leading authority on Spanish 
colonial shipping. 


ilver and gold, royal 
revenue and private wealth that never 
reached its де: ation, Other coins will 
depict significant archaeological finds 
—offering a view of life during the age 
of exploration. And perhaps most ii 
triguing of all will be the silver coi 
portraying those treasures still undiscov- 
ered —but whose existence is known 
through drawings, ships’ manifests, 
and maritime disaster reports. 

Taken together, these 25 match- 


BSCRIPTION APPLICATION 


Please enter my subscription for one Proof Set of “The Treasure 


Coins of the Caribbean," consistin; 


will be sent to me at no additional charge. 


*Plus my state sales tax and $1. for shipping and handling 


of 25 coins of the British 
Virgin Islands with the face value of $20. each, to be minted in 
solid sterling silver and sent to me at the rate of one per month. 

Ineed send no money now. I will be billed $25.* for each silver 
Proof, heginning when my first coin is ready to be sent. This price 
is guaranteed to me for the entire series. My presentation case 


Signature. 


ing denomination coins will constitute 
the most comprehensive series ever із- 
sued on a unified theme. A collection 
unequaled in scope by the coinage of 
any nation in our time. 

The collection is available by sub- 
scription only. The Government of the 
British Virgin Islands has authorized its 
official minter, The Franklin Mint, to 
accept and fulfill valid applications. 
Subscriptions entered by March 31, 
1987, will be accepted at the guaran- 
teed price of $25 for each sterling silver 
Proof. To make this guarantee possible, 
the minter will contract for sufficient 
silver, at current prices, to cover the en- 
tire series of coins for each subscriber. 

Each Proof coin will be accompanied 
by a reference folder and location map, 
relating the intriguing story of the treas- 
ure portrayed. A special presentation 
case for the collection will be provided 
at no extra cost. 

By entering your subscription now, 
you and your family can share a unique 
adventure in collecting —as you build a 
valuable treasure of solid silver coins. 
To acquire your collection at the guar- 
anteed price, return the accompanying 
application by March 31, 1987. 


Please mail by March 31, 1987. 


Mr./Mrs./Miss. 


Address == 


City, State, Zip. 


107 


FASTTRACKS 


PARTY ANTHEM DEPARTMENT: Richard 
Berry, the writer and original performer 
of the rock classic Louie, Louie, has 
regained royalty rights to it 30 years 
after signing them away. More than 
1000 versions of the song have sold 
300.000,000-plus records. From punk- 
ers to the. Rice University Marching 
Band to TV commercials for wine 
cooler, Louie, Louie has made everyone: 
feel like yelling, “It’s party t 

REELING AND ROCKING: Laurie Anderson is 
doing the music for Jonathan Demme's 
next movie, Swimming to Cambodia. . . . 
Ozzy Osbourne will play thc evi 
mother in a rock version of Cinderel- 
іш... Fleetwood and Dweezil Zappa 
will play a father and son in The Run- 
ning Man, bascd on a Stephen King 
story. . . . Adam Ant and X's John Doe 
have made a movic, Slam Dance, with 
Тот Нисе and Harry Dean Stanton. It’s 
scheduled to open this spring. Ant 
plays a night-club owner and Doc а 
corrupt cop. - . . David Bowie, Genesis, 
Paul Hardcastle and Squeeze have con- 
tributed to the sound track for the ani. 
mated British film When the Wind 
Blows, based on an antinuclear car- 
toon. . . . Griffin Dunne will co-star with 
Madonna іп Slammer. . . Janet Jackson 
will make her movie debut in a film 
with The Time this spring. The movie 
will focus on the misadventures of Mor- 
ris Day, and word has it that former 
Prince associates Vanity and Jerome Ben- 
ton may also havc roles in i 

NEWSBREAKS: Beatles producer George 
Martin is working on рагі British 
ТҮ series on pop music from the F 
ties to the present, called All You Need 
Is Ears, We can only hope it eventually 
reaches us. . . . The Mattel toy com- 
pany, with the help of Giorgio Moroder, 
is launching a massive talent hunt to 

on of the Barbie 


lind a real-life vei 
doll in her rock-n-roll incarnation. 


OCKMETER 


The winner will get а recording con- 
tractand a band. The catch? She has to 
look exactly like the doll. . George 
Lucas is doing a video of the song To 
Know Him Is to Love Him with Linda 
Ronstadt, Dolly Parton and Emmylou Har- 
fis. . ... Brian Wilson is working on a solo 
LP... „Peter Gabriel and U2 will appear 
on thc upcoming Robbie Robertson 
album. Prince's Revolution is over. 
Wendy Melvoin and Lisa Coleman arc 
going to record an album together and 
work on a movie sound track, and 
drummer Bobby Z plans to concentrate 
on songwriting and producing. Pi 
will be working to come up with some- 
thing completely differ - Look for 
à new album from the Grateful Dead 
this spring . . . and a new album from 
Ringo, too. . . . Both Stevie Wonder and 
Michael Jackson have asked Run-D.M.C. to 
in their upcoming al- 
bums. . . . A search is on for an actor/ 
ger to portray Dylan in a stage рго- 
duction called Dylan: Words and Music, 
scheduled to open in Francisco 
this spring. Producer/director Peter 
Landecker got the rights after reassuring 
Bob that the play would be a celebra- 
tion of his music, not a production such 
as Beatlemania. . Bob Seger has 
turned down an HBO ofler. Says Seger, 
“When you expose your whole show— 
all the best stufl—who would want to 
go see it? Concerts are like tribal 
events, and you just can't capture them 
оп the small screen, not to mention the 
sound.”. . . Marsha Hunt, singer and 
mother of Mick Jagger's daughter Karis, i: 

writing lier autobiography, Real Life. May- 
be she'll dish some real-life dirt. . . . 
Daryl Hall has put together a band for 
his first tour without John Oates. He's 
on the road now. Rick Derringer 
about Cyndi Lauper, with whom he 
toured, “She's better live than Barbra 
Streisand.” — BARBARA NEL 


two-packs-a-day gravel of Bacrwald's 
inging. When he sings about devastated 
lives, you can taste the rack and ruin. And 
because the structures and melodies are 
descended from Top 40 рор, barroom 
blues and hard rock, the result is genuine 
avant-garde pop, not just bohemian ges- 
turing. Like all good records, Boomlown is 
about matters of consequence, The songs 
develop characters who are archetypally 
virtuous or perfidious while remaining 
truc to life. particularly the decadent gang 
in the opener, Welcome to the Boomtown. 
Like the album’s other songs, this is the 
sound of collisions between jaded, joyless 
sex, pointless thrill seeking, the ashes of 
idealism and hopes of revolution. In the 
final track, Heroes, Baerwald and Ricketts 
say some things about the connection 
between glory and hard work that are a 
million miles from Bruce Springsteen and 
every bit as honest and revealing. Pop 
music doesn’t come tougher or more arty 
than this—or much better. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


No way Boston's Tom Scholz is a 
profiteer—not when he's spent six years 
doing Third Stage (MCA) his way- In fact, 
even though he's patently reluctant to 
venture out of the studio retreat he calls 
home, he's more like a priest of the 
Church of Latter-Day Arena Rock, per- 
fecting majestic guitar sounds and angelic 
vocals for hockcy-rink cathedrals the 
world over. And just in case designated 
singer Brad Delp—or, heaven forfend, 
Scholz himself—doesn’t hear the call to 
go out among boys and preach the word, 
Scholz has also designed elegiac melodies 
suitable to a modern radio ministry. What 
it all means is known only to adepts. МСА 
figures there are about 10,000,000 of "em. 

In Britain, shambling has been de- 
scribed as a new movement or, at least, 
a new revival, though it sounds like a 
slightly effete variation on the Sixties-style 
all-guitar pop heard in American garages 
since before Mitch Easter was a legend. 
The first three entrants with domes 
label deals are all talented young bands, 
but, like their U.S. counterparts, they 
tend toward stasis. Hence, The Mighty 
Lemon Drops will probably end up also- 
rans, though the tough, uncute edge of 
their Happy Head (Sirc) sets it apart— 
from, for instance, James's Stutter (Sire), 
which redcems itself somewhat by deliver- 
g morbidly eccentric lyrics and cut 
ting its peculiar hooks with hints of 
neopsychedelic chaos. So far, only the 
Woodentops have more to say musically 
than is dreamed of in electric jangle and 
- Their fastest tracks— 
ally also their earliest ones, sad to say, 
which is why Well Well Well . . . (Upside, 
225 Lafayette Street, New York, New York 
10012) tops Ше fairly wooden Giant (Co- 
lumbia)—could be punk without 

m. Let's hope the cuteness is only a ph 


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Because life is not a spectator sport” 


е” 


RICHARD GID POWERS’ Secrecy and Power (Free 
Press) has to be the definitive biography ог 
one of this nation's most powerful men, J 
Edgar Hoover. On May 10, 1924, Hoover 
5 named acting director of the FBI, а 
position he would hold until the day of his 
death, Мау 2, 1972. That comes to 48 
years as head ofa Federal police force that 
could surveil, arrest, harass and indict. 
What Secrecy and Power shows us іп a bal- 
anced and thoroughly rescarched wav is 
that Hoover came from a long line оГ 
burcaucrats (“The Hoovers were part of 
an almost hereditary order of families who 
knew their way in and about the Federal 
agencies”), held his office with brutal effi- 
ciency (“By refusing ever to forgive or 
forget anyone who crossed him 
Hoover was giving his subordinates a 
taste of what was in store if they ever gave 
him reason to turn on them") and had his. 
moments of extralegal activity (“Hoover's 
next step outside the law was to apply the 
disruptive tactics of COINTELPRO to an 
attack on black radicalism”). But through 
it all, Powers shows that Hoover dii i 
to be professional and responsible. “His 
most unassailable achievement was creat- 
ing onc of the great institutions in Ameri- 
can Government,” he writes. And it’s not 
a bad epitaph for a complex, sturdy man. 
. 

World-class writing this isn't; but for a 
polemical romp into well-researched Bap- 
tist bashing, you won't find anything quite 
like Arthur Frederick Ide's Evangelical Ter- 
rorism (Scholars), appropriately subtitled 
“Censorship, Falwell, Robertson & the 
Scamy Side of Christian Fundamental- 
ism." Half the fun is in the footnotes, 
which not only provide a libraryful of 
sources but gleefully expand оп every 
point that supports Dr. Ide’s contention: 
Fundamentalists are as dangerous as they 
iculous, 


. 

Wil n Goldman is responsible for one 
of the most terrifying images in cinema: 
the tooth-drilling torture scene in the film 
of his novel Marathon Man. The book was 
a success, the movie was a success, the 
video rental was a success. It was inevita- 
ble that Goldman would return to the 
same terrain. Brothers (Warner) brings 
Seylla back from the dead. He survived 
the knife attack in the middle of Marathon 
Man, we are told, and was reassigned to a 
tropical island until an appropriate inter- 
national crisis arose to demand his talent 
lor Killing. Brothers trots out an odd 
assortment of psychoactive drugs (one of 
which causes people to commit suicide), 
an attempted rape, sudden deaths and 
exploding weryone with a code 
name gets killed gruesomely. The entire 
work has the feel of being written on an 
Etch A Sketch: good for a plane ride but 
not much more. Halfway through the 


The FBI's czar examined 


Read about Hoover, 
fundamentalists, bogus 
Nazis and high finance. 


book, when Scylla is hiding out in a movie 
theater, he muses, “They really should 
pass а law . . . No Movie Sequels. Ever. 
Under threat of death or worse.” Brothers 
doesn't follow its own advice. Too bad. 

. 

Whats refreshing about reading each 
Harry Crews novel is learning what's on 
his mind this time. In All We Need of Hell 
(Harper & Row), his subjects are hand- 
ball, bicycling, weight conditioning, nutri- 
tion and, of course, karate. The issues 
addressed, on the other hand, аге divorce, 
sex, sex gone stale through marriage, chil- 
dren gone astray, revenge and the deep 
mental poison with which each of us who 
knows the world isu't quite right lives. 
Early in the novel, Crews muses that God 
lives “їп a hot muscle strained beyond its. 
limits." By analogy, this funny and wise 
book lives in that hot corner of fiction that 
has successfully spilled over its borders. 

. 

What if the banking crisis we are cur- 
rently enjoying were a Commie plot, one 
that was hatched between two of Keynes's 
brightest, gayest students—one Ameri- 
can, one Soviet? What if, as Lenin said it 
would, communism gave capitalism the 
rope with which to hang itself? These and 
other intriguing questions are given lush. 
and high-level soap-operatic treatment 
in The Ropespinner Conspiracy (Warner), 
Michael М. Thomas’ most si 'ssful. 
financial thriller yet. In addition to giving 
us palatable lessons in banking history 
and finance, he keeps us abreast of his 


other arca of expertise, art, through his. 
heroine, an investor. Тһе main hero, 
though, is a former Wall Street wonder 
turned Episcopal priest, a twist so nifty it 
makes our eyes water. Thomas grinds his 
ах for ethical capitalism with such enthu- 
asm and grace that we should airlift 
planeloads of this book all over castern 
Europe. Have we forgotten to mention it's 
a dandy read? 


. 

Marshall McLuhan's global village has 
finally come of age, with electronic cot- 
tages, PCs and desktop publishing. And 
Michael Green has written/composcd/ 
encoded/designed a new bible for high- 
tech artists. Zen & the Art of the Macintosh 
(Running Press) is about creativity, as dis- 
covered in the process of gencrating com- 
puter graphics on a Macintosh. This is 
software for the spirit, an amusing, 
enlightening, playful romp through the 
possibilities of man and computer: a tech- 
nological гис of passage. The book works, 
whether you arc Apple- or IBM-com- 
patible. Give it to your local techno- 
nerd as an cxample of what books can 
do. You remember books? 

б 

Мете beginning to think that World 
War Two couldn't have been fought with- 
ош doubles. There were Monty’s double, 
Churchill’s double and now Rommel's 
double. Hey, double your trouble, double 
your fun. Jack Higgins has worked this 
turf before, in his best seller The Eagle Has 


Landed. This time, he sends a philosopher 
spy to the Channel Island of Jersey to res- 


cue from the clutches of the Nazis the one 
man who knows the date and destination 
of the D-day invasion. There's also the 
usual crew of Resistance fighters, Gestapo 
villains and Nazi superstars, including the 
bogus field marshal. Night of the Fox 
(Simon €: Schuster) is for armchair agents 
everywhere. 


. 

Andre Dubus has long been writing 
about the unhip: the unemployed, the 
blue-collar worker, the soldier, the sad. 
Не has a corner on this particular terri- 
tory, because nohody writes it better. His 
new collection, The Last Worthless Evening 
(Godine), consists of four novellas and 
two short stories, all demonstrating 
Dubus’ uncanny ability to get inside the 
heads of a remarkable variety of regular 
people: 15-year-old girls, young sailors, 
11-year-old boys, aging men. Pick up The 
Last Worthless Evening and give yourself a 
worthwhile night. 


. 
If you're a fan of Tom McGuanc's fic- 
tion, you're aware that it is habit-forming. 
Be glad wc've told you that To Skin a Cat 
(Dutton) contains 12 of his best stories. 


[v] 


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SPORTS 


P: football is finally over, but I 
wouldn’t want the sport 1 depart 
from your consciousness without letting 
you in on a television-series possibility 
red by the NF L's “electronic of- 
ficial” —the replay guy. 

I would call the show Fumbles and, as 
creator, writer, producer and director, 
would hope to find a good group of indeci- 
sive, stammering and blind actors to por- 
tray the zebras, or game officials. 

In the pilot episode, a running play 
occurs in which the football winds up roll- 
ing around loose on the ground, being 
fought over and then scooped up by a 
defensive player, who carri nto the 
end zone for a crucial touchdown. Two 
officials signal a touchdown, but two oth- 
ers throw their flags. А big mecting of 
zebras then takes place on the field. 

In real life, you can't hear what is said 
in these meetings, but you can in the sit- 
com. Thats the charm of Fumbles. Well, 
that, plus an ongoing subplot about one 
zebra’s love all with his numbered 
account in Swii 

Anyhow, the meeting takes place and 


the referee says to the back judge, “ОК, 
Charley, what have we got?” 
fouchdown, Defense.” 
The referee turns to the umpire. 
“No fumble,” says the umpire. “The 


guy was down.” 

The referee glances at the field judge for 
help. 

“How'd you see it, Fritz?” 

“See what?” the field judge asks. 

“The play. Was it a fumble or no 

‘The field judge shrugs apologctically. 

“Gee, I don’t know, Frank,” he says to 
the referee. “I was looking at that blonde 
cheerleader over there. 

The referee calls in the head linesman. 

“Al, did you see a fumble or not?” 

“When? 

“Never mind,” says the referee. “We 
better ask upstairs." The referce nods to 
the umpire to establish contact with the 
zebra in the booth. 

The umpire beeps on his pager and 
speaks into a walkie-talkie that he un- 
hooks from his hip 
sround to booth . 
Come in, Robert. Ove 

Upstairs in the press box, Robert, the 
“electronic official,” spreads caviar on a 
piece of party гус and sips champagne. 
Robert, with a cert 
in his voice, speaks into the w 


ground to booth. 


amount ol 


By DAN JENKINS 


SCORING WITH 
GRID VID 


“Yes?” he says. “What is it this time?” 

“How'd you see it, Robert?" the umpire 
asks, 

“The field goal was good.” 

“What field goal?” 

“The one the Dolphins just kicked.” 


“What game are you watching, Rob- 
> 


егі 


“Dolphins-Patriots, silly. What game 
do you think Im watching: 

“I kind of hoped it might be the 
Cowboys-Giants, since we happen to be at 
The Meadowlands,” the umpire says. 

“All anybody ever has to do is tell me,” 
Robert says, switching channels on his 
tube TV. 

Down on the field, the referce says to the 
umpire, "Eddie, are you sure it wasn't a 
fumble?” 

“The ground can't cause a fumble,” the 
umpire says, 

“What do you mean?” asks the referee. 

“Its the rule. The ground can't cause a 
fumble. The guy didn’t lose the ball until 
he hit the ground.” 

The referee looks frustrated. 

“Are you trying to tell me, a man who's 
refereed eight Super Bowls, that a ball car- 
rier gets tackled, hits the ground, loses the 
football and it's not a fumble?” 

The umpire spits, looks off and says, 
“The ground can't cause a fumble. 

The referee glares at the back judge, 
field judge and head linesman. They all 


shrug, and the back judge says, “He's 
right.” 

“Well, that’s the goddamnedest thing I 
ever heard of,” says the referee. “Back 
when I played, the ground was the main 
thing that could cause a fumble.” 

The head linesman asks for calm 
> he says, "I think we 
ler all the things that might 
be at stake on the decision we make. A 
touchdown would put the Cowboys ahead 
by 14. Is that what we really want with 
only six minutes left to play?” 

“Good point,” the back judge says. 
My next-door neighbor has the Giants 
with seven and a half. Right now, he’s 
ahead. I don't want to sway anybody, but 
he’s a real nice fellow with a fine family, 
and he's been hoping to buy one of those 
С.Е. no-frost rel 
cube dispenser. This game could do it. 

“Yeah, well, fuck him,” says the field 
judge. “My next-door neighbor has the 
over, and Га like to put this son of a bitch 
out of reach for him.” 

Back upstairs, Robert hollers into his 


“Booth to ground, booth to ground! І 
st saw the replay, Eddie.” 
“Good!” shouts the umpire into his 
walkie-talkie. “What is it?” 

“T can’t tell,” says Robert. 

“You can't tell if it's a fumble?” 

“Don't snap at me, Eddie. I've looked 
atit from both angles. I think you can call 
a fumble if you want to, but on the other 
hand, 1 think you can get away with not 
calli a fumble, if that’s what you feel 
like. I mean, it's kind of up to you guys.” 

The umpire whispers something to the 
referee. The referce snatches the walkic- 
talkie from the umpire. 

“Listen to me very carefully, Robert,” 
the referee says. “Pm calling it no fumble, 
no touchdown. The ground can’t cause a 
fumble,” 

“Since when?” Robert asks, frowning- 
“Just shut up and listen!” says the ref 
егес, “We never talked, do you read me? 
Our communications broke down. Maybe 
we picked up a few words—I don't know 
yet—but we never got through to you, 
OK?” 

“Whatever you say, Frank. 

“We never talked, right?” 

“Not a syllable. No one has called all 
day. I have по date for the prom.” 

The episode ends as Robert refills his 
champagne glass and switches his TV 
set to a movie channel. 


31 


МЕМ 


Ye think I won't pay for this one? 
Hey, not for 1000 years will I be for- 
given for this one. But a man’s got to do 
what a man’s got to do. 

We men have been hearing for decades 
that we are lousy lovers. It’s a given in this 
culture. If we are dumb enough to believe 
what women have been telling us, it seems 
that today's males are hasty, inconsider- 
ate, ignorant, confused and uncaring. We 
are, supposedly, limp-dicked premature 
ejaculators with no sense of timing or 
communication. There's not a Casanova. 
among us, according to the hypercritics 
who blast us from TV and radio, in books. 
and magazines. 

Гус got news for you, swectheart/ 
cookic/baby. When it comes to sacktime, 
most of you aremt such great shakes, 
either. Granted that this culture is sexu- 
ally chaotic, repressed and unhappy. But 
it's time to give tat for tit —after too much 
tit for tat. You women contribute just as 
much to our culture's sexual malaise as we 
men do. Аз hard as it may be to believe, 
you sometimes make lousy lovers, too. 

Let me count the ways. 

The Otherwise Engaged: If she were on a 
frequent-flier plan, it would take her ten 
years to earn a trip from Des Moines to 
Cedar Rapids. To live with her is not to 
know her. “Not tonight; I have a head- 
ache" has become “Not this year; I have a 
career.” In this relationship, the hand you 
hold will probably be your own, but don't 
be embarrassed by that. Rejection and 
lack of interest are general all over this 
workaholic culture. You think you're the 
Lone Ranger because you're living with 
an Infrequent Flier? Then who are all 
those other masked men out there? 

The Cliff Dweller: She lives on the edge 
of everything, especially the extended 
orgasm. It is always just around the cor- 
ner, but the corer is forever disappearing 
into the distance. Superman might be able 
to satisfy her, but it's 60-40 he'll finally 
'с up and take a nap. Be assured that 
when he awakes, he'll hear about how 
inconsiderate he was. 

The Sperm Hater: This woman has a 
basic fear of our precious bodily fluids. 
She treats the male orgasm as if it were an 
explosion at a nuclear-power station, She 
scrambles away, a distasteful expression 
on her face, as you lie there like a beached 
whale. By her standards, sperm is radio- 
active poison and should never be depos- 
ited on skin, sheets or clothing. She is also 


By ASA BABER 


TAT FOR TIT 


the Fastest Douche in the West. 

The Statistician: You can spot her by the 
tape measure she keeps under her pillow 
and the pencil marks on her wall. She's a 
combination C.P.A., historian and Offi- 
cial Scorer. Her brain is one big computer 
printout, and if you ask her, she'll reel off 
numbers and measurements that boggle 
your mind: how you rate compared with 
her other lovers in terms of genital hefi, 
number of orgasms (hers, then yours), 
errors committed, times you were too base 
and runs batted in. Her accounting will be 
accurate, impersonal and cold. Only her 
eyes will glow as she quantifies love. 

The Electrician: Yes, you guessed it; the 
Electrician is sister to the Statistician. 
Indeed, they may be one and the same 
person. The Electrician punches data into 
her computer keyboard while your love- 
making progresses, but it will be difficult 
for you to see that as you struggle to keep 
your headphones from becoming entan- 
gled with hers and as you sort out the 
vibrators that she keeps in a batrack by 
her bed. On average,.she will have two 
video-tape machines running—one to 
record your activities, the other to play 
back an X-rated movie for the TV moni- 
tor on her cei Don’t feel dehumanized 
by the stock-market ticker she has on her 
wall. And, yes, it can be disconcerting 
when the Electrician carries on telephone 
conversations from one of the six phones 


she has on her headboard while you are 
huffing and puffing awa 


The Aerobic Lover: Isn't she something? 
Will her activity ever cease? Why docs 
your back hurt? Why are you dehydrated? 
ing if you'll have a 


Why are you wonde 
coronary and she'll never even notice? Is it 
fair that she can go for four hours straight 
and never even stop for breath? Why does 
she wear her aerobic-dance shoes to bed? 
Gatorade instead of champagne. Only one 
change of sweatbands allowed. Mirrors all 
over, even the floor. Bolero is too slow for 
her. What are those yelping sounds she 
makes at odd moments? Why does she 
confuse you istructor? 
Why does she have а hotline to her own 
team of paramedics? Why аге they leaning 
over you and giving you oxygen? Why is 
she still bouncing on the bed? 

The Screscher: This one is sncaky and 
mean. There is no known way 10 spot her 
beforchand, either. You just have to place 
your bets and then go for broke. It's a 
sweet moment. You're making love with a 
warm and wonderful woman, and if the 
truth were known, this is how you'd like to. 
make your living. You love comfort and 
tenderness and humor and caring, and sex 
is central to your life, a denial of death, а 
creative gesture in a sometimes cold uni- 
verse. You wait for her; you hold yourself 
in; you administer and placate and excite. 

Then, as you feel her rhythms rise, your 
own pleasure approaches; and as she rides 
into her sunset, you take a deep breath 
and— your ears; what is happening to 
your cars? You have never heard a sound 
like that before. Is it nuclear war? Is there 
à jet engine in the bedroom? Your cars are 
bleeding; you're sure of it. There is this 
uncarthly sereeching going on, and there 
is no distance between you and the 
screeching. She has your head in a vise, 
and her mouth has just swallowed your 
cardrums. They are somewhere slightly 
above her voice box, and they are now 
hers forever, because you will never hear 
again, not a sound, not even the whimper 
of a child. The Screecher has claimed 
another vietim. 

OK, you cultural vixens who have 
mocked male sexuality, you angry females 
who have claimed that men are such а 
mess in the bedroom, how do you like 
them apples? 

They're no more rotten than the 
ones you've been throwing at us. ÈJ 


WOMEN 


don't think І have any friends who 


aren't virgins,” said Alan. 
“Most—well, а lot—of my friends 
aren't virgins,” said Evan. 


“You s out with older guys," said 
Mark. 

“At this age of sexual inexperience, the 
most attractive aspect of a girl is willing- 
ness," continued Al 

I was naturally agog, but then they 
broke off talking to contort their hands 
een-year-old boys do a lot of strange 
things with their hands. Right now they 
were flapping them violently at the wrist 
so the fingers made а snapping sound 

“My mom can't do this at all,” said my 
son (who for the purposes of this piece 
would like to be called Mark) as he and 
his friends stood in a semicircle, flapping 
and snapping. 

“I don't care about that; I want to hear 
more about girls,” I said. Being the 
mother of a teenager is a strange and pre- 
carious exercise; you both know about sex, 
but nobody's talking. Better to talk about. 
cannibalism, 

But Гуе known Alan and Evan since 
they were grimy-handed and milky-faced 
seven-year-olds with water-color stains on 
the cuffs of their cotton pullovers. And 
I've been carefully cultivating them all 
these years—feeding them chocolate milk 
and letting them watch TV until dawn— 
so that when this day finally came, I could 
force them to tell me about their sex lives. 

"You can't tell your mother things 
about sex," said Evan. *A mother has her 
own problems with P.M.S. and all. Plus, 
it’s your mother!” 

“1 am not opening my mouth," 
Mark. 

“Girls are people, maybe,” said Evan, 
a baby-faced hulk with bleached hair. 
“Most boys my age don't think about the 
true value of a woman. They just think 
about sex.” He stretched his hands wildly 
above his head іп an enormous yawn and 
knocked over a vase of flowers. “That's 
how suave I am with the womenfolk,” he 
said. 

“There was this girl,” said Alan, who is 
blond and intense. “We told her we were 
NYU drama students. We thought we 
could pull it off” 

“She was very sexual,” said Evan. “She 
oflered me, Alan and this other kid: 

“Let's just say a motel, tequila and fun 
and pleasure entered into it,” said Alan. 
“Anyway, she was just leading us on. We 
found out later that she had herpes.” 


said 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


BOYS ON THE 
BRINK 


` said Evan. 


“She was aggressiv. 

Aggressive? 

“There's one kind of girl you have sex 
with,” said Alan, “another kind of girl you 
have a crush on.” 

Oh, guys, please, don't tell me this. 

“The girls I have liked, I have only 
liked from a distance,” said Alan. “None 
of them has been aggressive. Swect girls. 
But the girls I go out with are pretty 
aggressive. I'm a nervous guy. I guess it’s 
not a big deal getting rejected; you forget 
about it in a month. But I’ve asked a girl 
out only about five times. I just can't bring 
myself to do it. So if a girl sits on my lap 
and wiggles her... аһ... well, it’s easier 
to ask her out.” 

"TII think a long time before I ask a girl 
out,” said Evan 

“ГИ do it if I will myself to do it,” 
said Alan, 

"I refuse to answer anything,” 
Mark. 

"Thats why sluts are easier,” 
Evan 

Sluts? Oh, my God. Still? Readers, 1 
had hopes for this generation. Sons of the 
women’s movement, sons of single moth- 
ers, sons of women with demanding 
careers. Sluts? Has anything changed? 
What about feminism? 

“Throw it out the window,” said Alan. 

“It’s silly that a woman should be paid 
less for the same job as a man,” said Evan. 


said 


said 


“She shouldn't have the job in the first 
place,” said Alan, “Only 

“But I’m not chan; " said 
. "In a theoretical sense I would, but 
I don't like children.” 

"Remember in Lucy's class," Alan 
asked Mark, "she was reading us Charlie 
and the Chocolate Factory and 1 stole your 
comb and you hit me and she threw me out 
of class? Me? Remember that, smegma- 
head?” 

“Bogey-bum,” said Mark. 

“We're not exactly grown-up yet,” said 
Alan. 

We went to a restaurant and they made 
plenty of jokes about the blowfish on the 
menu. 

"Why can't women give gifis to men?” 
asked Evan. “Why do wc always 

“Гуе never given a gift to a woman,” 
said Alan. 

“What about those earrings?" asked 
Mark. 

“What 
Evan. 

"You know, | stay away from the 
women I like more than I stay away from 
the sluts," said Alan. “There was this girl 
I really liked and shc liked me. I got so 
freaked out every time I saw her, I would 
go away. I just started acting like an 
asshole so she wouldn't come near me. 
Her smile drove me crazy." 

“Its a lot harder to talk to a girl you 
really like. 105 easy with casier girls," said 
Evan. "Although I think girls should tall 
about their scxuality. I'm mature. I li 
with my mother and know how a woman 
acts. Girls like it when I tell them Um a 
virgin.” 

Suddenly, they were all pressing their 
palms together and making snaky move- 
ments. 

“All this hand playing 
symbolic, boys.” 

“Very phallic,” said Evan. 

“Very Freud,” said Mark. 

“Іп junior high, sluts got attention; we 
were just breaking into masturbating 
then," said Eva 

“They just get hated now,” said Mark. 

“Тһе girl Pm in love with,” said Alan, 
“if she brought up sex, Pd probably say 
по, because we're not ready. Even in this 
day and age, I think it should be special. 
Especially the first time. I also think right 
now we can't think straight." 

“We're 16 years old," said Evan, “апа 
let me tell vou, our hormones are 
more active than our brain cells." 


about that bracelet?" asked 


is extremely 


33 


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Пааа о сосы 
characters referred to a sex act called the 
Venus butterfly. A polygamist with 11 
wives had used the technique to keep his 
ladies happy. I have a suspicion that it 
has to do with the female labia, which, 
when spread, somewhat resemble but 
terfly wings. Can you explain the tech- 
nique?—T. S., Marysville, Ohio. 

It's a new kind of Nielsen rating: Appar- 
ently, the producers of “L.A. Law” were 
inundated with several hundred phone calls 
asking for more details about the Venus butter 
fly. They got caught with their creative pants 
down. They took the official line that it was a 
secret technique and that viewers would have 
to watch later episodes. The response from 
the sex-starved hordes is such that it could be- 
come a running gag. Since й doesn't exist, the 
show's creators can't very well explain й; and 
according io our inside source (Deep 
Throat), they won't even try (though execu- 
tive producer Steven Bochco did give us baby 
oil in the microwave on “Hill Street Blues” 
years ago). The Venus butterfly makes а mar- 
velous Rorschach test. It brings to mind some 
of our favorite orchestral maneuvers in the 
dark. “Sensuous Woman” had а butterfly 
flick, a fellatio technique that consisted of 
moving the tongue in circular motions about 
the male penis while sucking on it. Substitute 
the clitoris for the penis and you have some- 
thing. "Xaviera's Supersex" mentioned the 
butterfly, а maneuver that involves flicking 
your eyelashes over lips, nipples or other 
erogenous zones—slowly at first, then faster 
The Pleasure Chest sells Joanie's Butterfly, a 
small vibrator that rests above the clitoris in a 
special G string. Clearly, none of these is 
ready for prime-time TV. If the Venus butter- 
fly doesn't exist, it should. So we are 
announcing a contest: Invent a sexual tech- 
nique that deserves to be called the Venus but- 
terfly, describe it in 200 words or less and we 
will publish the best suggestions, after testing 
each one in the Playboy Test Bedrooms. 


Д. a format dinner, after cutting the food 
on your plate with a knife, should you 
place the knife back on the table or leave it 
on the plate?— J. S., Gainesville, Florida. 

After using your knife to cut your food, you 
should place it оп your plate—unth the cut- 
ling edge facing inward. 


epson dealer orice 
My girlfriend says that humans secrete 
pheromones—special scents that affect 
sexual behavior. I know that other species 
release such chemicals as sex attractants, 
but Га always heard that we were differ- 
ent. What's the story?—R. K., Portland, 
Oregon. 

Well, there is some proof that men do pro- 
duce a pheromone, but its effect is less than 
spectacular. Scientists at the University of 
Pennsylvania Medical School and the 


Monell Chemical Senses Center had a group 
of nearly celibate women rub essence of male 
armpit under their noses three times a week. 
A second group sniffed an alcohol swab. 
After about three months of this, the group 
that had inhaled aroma de macho developed 
regular menstrual cycles of approximately 
29.5 days (prior to the experiment, they had 
cycles longer than 33 or shorter than 26 
days). Apparently, the chemical that ts pres- 
ent in sweat glands in the armpits, the genital 
area and around the nipples can be transmit- 
ted to women via intimale sex. Scientists con- 
clude that a woman who has regular sex is in 
better physiological condition as a result. She 
has regular menstrual cycles, fewer infertility 
problems and a milder menopause—as well 
as a smile on her face. 


е instructional video tapes really 
improve your sports performance? I'm 
thinking of taking a ski vacation in the 
near future and wonder if I should rent or 
buy one of those tapes. Any recommen- 
dations?—A. L., Des Moines, Iowa. 
There are two basic types of sports videos. 
The first type has a star or a knowledgeable 
instructor talk you through the basics, fol- 
lowed by a taped demonstration. Such tapes 
can be walk-throughs by fairly inarticulate 
stars or inspired seminars by true sports mys- 
tics. A second type of video—one that shows 
loops of perfect performance, repeated over 
and over—suggests “Do what I do, not what 
1 say.” In skiing, you have an assortment of 
tapes to choose from. “Warren Miller's Learn 
to Ski Better” (Karl/ Lorimar Home Video) is 
а humorous collection of lessons for novice, 
intermediate and advanced skiers. The 
tions on bump skiing and powder are right 
on—belter than any written lesson we've 
read and as good as the best real-life lessons. 
Once you've had some on-slope experience, 


you may be ready for the nonverbal tapes— 
they work better for experienced skiers. You 
have the choice of SyberVision’s “Skiing” 
(SyberVision, Fountain Square, 6066 Civic 
Terrace Avenue, Newark, California 
94560) or Phil and Steve Mahre's “Ski 
Right” (Sports Imaging, Р.О. Box 120, 
Gypsum, Colorado 81637). Both stem from 
the old “Inner Game of Tennis” idea that if 
you have a mental image of the perfect 
motion, you can repeat it without words. It is 
called subconscious competence by some. For 
après-ski, ше recommend “Debbie Does 
Denver” or similar X-rated flick. If erotic 
videos can improve your sex life, then sports 
videos can improve your athletic perform- 
ance. 


Some time ago, I had a date with an 
attractive young thing who had an iron- 
clad rule about how far to go in a first 
encounter. The chemistry was right, and 
after an evening of heavy petting, we were 
both experiencing a lot of sexual tension. 
When it was time to say good night, I 
decided there was no reason for both of us 
to go to bed horny, so I enhanced the 
goodnight kiss by masturbating her with 
the palm of my hand through her clothing. 
My little courtesy surprised and thrilled 
her—no one had ever done it for her 
before, she said—and our next date 
resulted in some wild and uninhibited 
sacktime. While I have used this dry- 
masturbation technique before, when sex 
impossible for some reason or 
another, I have never masturbated an 
undressed female. In fact, I’m not sure 
exactly how to go about it properly. Since 
there are а number of delightful things to 
do in the sack that could be enhanced by 
manual stimulation of the female geni- 
talia, it might be useful if the Advisor 
would give all of us clunısy male readers 
some basic instruction in this delicate 
area.—J. J., Newport Beach, California. 

Ask your unclad friend to show you how 
she masturbates. Or have her touch an area. 
of your body to give signals (faster, slower, 
softer, right or left, up and down, whatever). 
Then, for variety, try feathers, fur mittens, 
silk scarves or gasoline-powered vibrators for 
a sensation that she is not used to. Use your 
toes under the table. This list should get you. 
through your next date. 


was 


MM шко o afan od EDI EA 
the annual showing of the best short films 
from the Erotic Film Festival. Now that 
the kids are grown and thc dog has died, 
we would like to purchase vidco versions 
of those films to kecp us entertained dur- 
ing the long winter nights here. Ur 
most X-rated films, they were typica 
gentle, loving and often terribly funny. 
Can you help us locate a source of such 


PLAYBOY 


tapes or similar-quality X-rated videos to 
refresh our old memories and help us 
make some new ones?—T. G., Fairbanks, 
Alaska. 

We suggest that you take а look at Robert 
Rimmers book “The X-Rated Videotape 
Guide,” published by Harmony Books, 225 
Park Avenue South, New York, New York 
10003. This book, which retails for $16.95 
in paperback, reviews 1300 films, some of. 
which you're sure to remember from the 
Erotic Film Festival days. You might also 
consult a paperback guide titled “Adult 
Movies,” available for $3.95, plus postage 
and handling, from Pocket Books, 1230 
Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 
10020. Happy viewing. 


МЇ, lover calls it the sixpack. She 
reclines on her back and I straddle her 
belly, facing her feet, pinning her just 
firmly enough to prevent her from strug- 
gling away from my control. With the fin- 
gers of my left hand, I tease her lubricated 
clit; my right thumb I keep in her vagina, 
and my right forefinger—also lubri- 
cated—goes snugly into her anus. As she 
grows more excited, 1 gently pinch and 
wiggle her perincum occasionally, using 
about as much pressure as one would need 
to lift a six-pack of beer. From time to time 
during our congress, I rise on my knees 
and scoot backward, dangle my genitals 
above her active mouth and enjoy her 
kinetic tongue. When she achieves 
orgasm, I keep her pinned to the bed; her 
hands cannot reach around my body to 
prevent me from extending stimulation to 
the point of ecstasy. She says it feels better 
than anything should be allowed to feel. 
She keeps claiming she’s going to do th 
same thing to me—accommodating our 
anatomical differences. of course—but 
just can’t bring herself to touch my anus. 
We both bathe thoroughly before and 
after. How can I change her mind?— J. R., 
Houston, Texas. 
Beg. 


Шс been looking ac European luxury 
cars and I’m almost ready to buy. But why 
are most of them so plain? You'd think for 
those prices, they'd at least have white- 
wall tires.— D. S., Louisville, Kentucky. 
Lei us put it to you this way: Fashion 
changes. Most of us don't dress the way we 
did in the Fifties and Sixties, so why should 
our cars? Following the lead of the European 
makers, American auto fashion has evolved 
toward the subile, clean and understated. 
Along with padded roofs, opera windous, 
coach lamps, excessive exterior chrome and 
(yechhh!) wire wheel covers, white-wall tires 
are now “out,” as are chrome mag wheels 
and white-letler tires on performance cars 
Definitely “in” are smooth, aerodynamic body 
shapes with restrained bright trim and black- 
wall or black-letter tires on styled aluminum 
wheels. Hipper still are body-color trim for a 
monotone look, flared-out fenders to fit lower, 


wider tires and “ground-effects” skirts along 
the lower sides of performance-type cars. 
Inside the cabin, tastefully textured vinyl and 
leather are “in,” fake wood, bright accents 
and pillow-style seats in whorehouse velour 
very much “out.” A subtle touch of veal wood 
is de rigueur in British luxury cars and 
acceptable in most others 

Who cares? Well, like it or not, we are 
what we drive—and we like и. Our automo- 
biles make a statement. People judge us by 
what we arrive in. If you want to be thought 
of as old, conservative and out of style, drive 
a big, blocky American car with a vinyl roof, 
slap on some white-walls and simulated wire 
wheels. But, please, no white-walls on Euro- 
pean cars. That's about as tasteful as a torn. 
T-shirt and tennies with your tux, and pink- 
plastic flamingos on the laum. 


асе 
afraid to hear. 1 am а 30-year-old female 
with a simply marvelous 23-year-old 
lover. Our sex life together is morc than 
satisfying, except for onc thing—I cannot 
scream! Î want to scream when he orally 
brings me to the heavens (as hc most cer- 
tainly does), and I want to scream when 
he is inside me, because I love it, but I 
seem to be inhibited. Onc night in bed, һе 
even looked up at me and said, 
"Scream "—he could tell he was turning 
me on that much—but, once again, I 
didn't. Pm so sick of this yearning to 
scream. Am I simply being inhibited? If 
so, please suggest something for me to 
do.— Miss D. Los Angeles, California. 

Are you afraid that the neighbors will hear 
you or that Edwin Meese himself will come 
pounding on your door? Reflecting on the 
latter possibility should be enough to make 
you want to scream. You may be inhibited 
about expressing yourself sexually, which is 
probably a learned response to prohibitions 
you were exposed lo while growing up. You 
are certainly capable of learning new 
response patterns, including learning how to 
let go. Lf you don't talk during lovemaking, 
start doing so—or at least allow yourself to 
vocalize pleasurable feelings; moaning and 
groaning are definitely allowed. Practice let- 
ting go while masturbating and see if getting 
deeper into your fantasies doesn't help you 
Jorget about yourself somewhat. Finally, just 
grab the nearest pillow and use it to muffle 
the sound. 


Whenever I make a cassette recording 
of an album, if 1 so much as touch the 
record-level knobs, a grand array of static, 
hissing and popping appear on the fin- 
ished tape. This has made fading out 
nearly impossible. Recently, this problem 
has worsened. Now, if I adjust the volume 
knob on the receiver (whether I'm record- 
ing or just listening), | get the same 
annoying static. The stereo is almost ten 
years old, but I have never had this prob- 
lem before. Гуе tried cleaning the tape 
heads with a cleaning kit, but it doesn't 


work. My recordings are suffering and I 
would appreciate any advice—M. T., 
Salt Lake City, Utah. 

You have encountered a service problem 
соттоп in older equipment. Dirt or dust has 
found its way into the control knobs on your 
equipment, causing static or popping noises 
in your system. You may be able to solve the 
problem yourself. Electronic-parts supply 
stores carry tuner-cleaner sprays commonly 
used in TV servicing. Pull off the knobs on 
your cassette deck and receiver and spray 
inside the controls while turning them repeat- 
edly. If this does not solve the problem, 
unplug the unit and remove the top. Locate 
the controls and spray them from inside the 
casselte deck or receiver, again turning 
the controls repeatedly. This should remove 
the dirt or dust from inside the controls. If 
you still have not solved the problem or do not 
want to atiempt the repair yourself, a repair 
facility can take care of it for you. It will dis- 
assemble and clean the controls or replace 
Іһет if necessary. Repairing the record-level 
controls on the cassette deck and the volume 
control on the receiver should. eliminate the 
annoying noise problem. 


Dan a 22-ycar-old college student and I 
have what I feel is a very serious problem. 
During erections, my penis curves down- 
ward noticeably. I feel that this is due to 
my years оГ masturbating while Iying on 
my stomach. I've had this condition for a 
long time, and Гуе been afraid of get 
into any sexual situations, because I think 
that it must make sex extremely difficult to 
perform. It would probably also make my 
partner think that I was deformed, since a 
penis should be really perfectly straight 
during an ercetion. Common sense tells 
me that Ї may never have a normal sexual 
relationship with anyone now. Is there 
anything that can be done?—R, S. 
Francisco, California 

Relax. There's no direction 
when it comes lo erections. You can have nor- 
xual relations any lime you want. If sex 
in the missionary position is uncomfortable, 
ту it with the woman astride, facing away 
from you. You will find that some positions 
that others might find painful will work for 
you. For example, instead of going down on 
you, your partner can go up on you. We've 
seen an X-rated movie in which a couple sat 
on opposite sides of a hot tub, joined at the 
middle. The woman sort of floated in place, 
gyrating on a downward-pointing erection. 
Give il a by. 


an 


unknown 


АШ reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating. 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


Join the 
CBS Compact 
Disc Club and 


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РЕАК PLAYMATES 


The question for the month: 


Do women brag about sexual con- 
quests the way men do? 


Mos human nature to boast from time to 
time. When women do it, 175 usually more 
in terms of the romantic details. Men usu- 
ally brag about the sexual details. I tend 
о keep my per- 
sonal life pri 
vate. I think 
that the morc 
you care about 
someone in а 
relationship, 
the more pri- 
vate you аге 
about it. Its 
casier to be 
public about a 
casual encoun- 
ter. When 
women talk about these things to one 
another, thcy focus more on what a man 
said and how heacted than on how he was 
in bed. They tend to discuss the way he 
treated them—the romantic parts. 


C pne C) 


LAURIECARR 
DECEMBER 1986 


С. women brag, but not exactly 
the same way as men. Women tend to tell 
their best friends lots of details about their 
love lives. So in that way we do brag. Do 
we brag about 


the conquest? 
No, b 
let's 
it's «азу for 


most women, if 
they аге half- 
way decent, to 
get a man to 
bed if they 
want him to be 
there. What we 
do is confide in 
our friends— 
not the gory details but the informational 
ones. And women tend to confide in one ог 
two close friends, not a tableful or a 
barful 


һы, ac 


CAROL FICATIER 
DECEMBER 1985 


АА woman might tell her closest. girl- 
friends, but I don't think most women go 
around bragging about who they've slept 
with or how well he performed in bed. Ifa 
woman is іпзе- 
cure, she may 
boast to make 
herself look 
better or to 
make a friend 
jealous. But I 
think women 
are short on 
the details. A 
friend might 
say, “Well, how 
was he?” You'd 
answer some- 
thing like, “He cuddles пісе” or “We had 
a wonderful time." Most women wouldn't 
get too specific. A few might talk about 
size, but I won't get into that. 


5-52 2 
as men do. If they're having a crisis, they 
might talk a little more. Гуе noticed that 
men quit bragging when they find some- 
one special. Then, all of a sudden, it's not 
as much fun 
to talk about. 
Boasting апа 
bragging is 
really kind of 
a college thing. 
Everyone goes 
through that 
phase when 
you talk about 
who you've had 
or how many 
different people 
you’ve had at 
the same time. Women generally don’t go 
into great detail. When they talk about 
intimate information, I think it's meant 
more for conversation and for trying to 
understand a relationship or a situation, 


-/ 


SHERRY ARNETT 
JANUARY 1986 


Women boast entirely differently from 
men. І don’t think they do it verbally. 
Instead, they start wearing his clothes, his 
shirts, his shorts, his jewelry: or they'll 
hang his pic- 
turc in some 
prominent 
place where 
other people 
can see it. Then 
their girlfriends 
will say some- 
thing like, 
“Where'd you 
get the shirt?” 
And they'll say, 
“Ies my boy- 
friend’s.” You 
don’t have to say anything else; that pretty 
much says, “I slept with this guy and he 
was great.” Wearing his clothes, on the 
other hand, is showing off in another way. 


22 СНЕК BUTLER 


AUGUST 1985 


Мы MOT 
friend did it with the school jock. She was 
so excited, so happy, but she didn’t yell 
it out. Women like to tell a close friend 
and swear her 
to secrecy. If 
someone came 
up to me and 
asked me if I 
was sleeping 
with Mr. X, I 
would deny it. 
I wouldn't say, 
“Yeah, I'm 
sleeping with 
him. And he's 
great." No 
way. Га say, 
“Who?” That is not to say that sleazy 
women don't go around bragging about 
who they got, but most women would brag 
to only a close friend. 


REBEKKA ARMSTRONG 
SEPTEMBER 1986 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


© 1986 R.J. REYNOLDS ТОВАССО CO. 


Р 2. 
"| SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking |, 
4 Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. || 


IMPORTED 


(madian (44 
4 Moly 


CC SOUR: 11» oz. Canadian Club, З oz. lemon juice, 1 tsp. sugar. Shake well with ice, strain and pour. 
To send Canadian Club anywhere in the U.S., call 1-800-238-4373. Void where prohibited. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


В” ASC K 


If Meese's recommendation is 
accepted by Congress, perhaps I 
tors who disagree— should abandon some of my longer- 
for political rea- standing contracts—my student loan, 
sons. my car payments—and write them off 

Now it’s Attorney 10 the fact that I signed them before I 
General idwin was a responsible adult; that is, before 
Meese who's play- I turned 21. 
ing politics һу 
proposing a new re- 
striction on 18-to- 
2l-year-olds. He is 
recommending that 
people under the 
age of 21 be barred 
from modeling in 
X-rated videos. Не 
wants it to appear. 
as if he is attempting 
to curb the prob- 
lems of child abuse 
and kiddie porn. 


always seems to be a 
handful of legisla- 


Doug Hatt 
New York, New York 


Attorney General Edwin Meese 
wants Congress to pass legislation out- 
lawing the use of models under the age 
of 21 in X-rated films. The notion that 
a person is old enough to enlist, to go to 
war, to marry and bear children but 
not to engage in sexually explicit acts 
before a camera is absurd. 

If Meese really wants to dry up the 
X-rated-film business, he should ask 
that the age of its actresses be raised to 
65. No one would want to watch the 
Golden Girls engaged in kinky sex, 
righ? Dr. Ruth Does Rochester? No, 
thanks. Since Meese feels that people 
who watch porn films are driven to 
repeat the behavior they see on screen, 
perhaps he should try to pass a law 
stating that only impotent or frigid 
people can be filmed attempting sex. 

J. Johnson 
San Francisco, California 


But consider the fol- 
d lowing: 
FOR THE RECORD Sa 


DIAL-A-PORN 


18-year-old 
woman can mar- 
ry—without her 
parents’ consent— 
yet she would not 
have the right to 


Our special thanks to Senator Jesse Helms for 
providing some oomph to the normally dry Congres- 
sional Record. Helms is оп a crusade to ban dial- | appear іп a sexually 
a-pom phone calls and induded the following | explicit video. 
evidence in his testimony before Congress. *A — 19-year-old 
man, on his signa- 
ture alone, can take 
out a loan for 
$10,000, yet would 
not be able to pose 
nude for a calendar 
shooting to help him 
pay back that loan 

“А — 20-year-old 
can sign a lease and 
rent a studio in 
order to film an orgy 
scene for a movie, 
yet would not have 
the right to appear 
in that scene, 

And so on. 

In other words, 
people in this age 
group are presum- 
ably intelligent 


Hi. I'm Nellie from High Society, and I'm so 
busy getting ready for my June wedding. Why 
don't you and I have a private shower—a tool- 
and-lingerie shower. ГЇЇ supply the lingerie, 
black crotchless panties, and you provide the 
tool. Let me slick my tongue over the head of 
your swollen rod and watch it grow even big- 
ger. Ooh, 1 can feel it throbbing in my throat 
and I love it. Really, umm, ooh, I'm wrapping 
my lips tightly around your tool and sucking. 
Umm, ooh, as I tickle your hairy back. Come 
on, I said I wanted a shower, a shower of your 
come. Ahh, ahh, ahh, umm, umm, ahh, umm, 
yum. I have an empty box that needs to be 
filled with your wedding present, so call hack 
after six. 


"DOPEY" TELEVISION 

The media antidrug blitz may go out 
with a bang if what I read recently is 
true. Apparently, one of the "drug 
dealers" busted on national television 
by Geraldo Rivera in his program 
American Vice: The Doping of a Nation 
was none other than an innocent house 
painter who was busy painting basc- 
boards when Rivera and his drug bust- 
crs appeared on the scene. She was 
slammed against the wall, handculled, 
dragged off in a paddy wagon and held 
two days in jail. 

She is—naturally—going to sue. If 
she wins big enough, maybe this will 
stop some of the ridiculous lengths to 
which the media are going in hyping 
the “drug crisis.” 


And Helms says he got this transcript for 
research. 


B. Gordon 


X-RATED MATURITY 

Whenever a state legislature reacts 
to MADD pressure by raising the legal 
drinking age to 21, a familiar com- 
plaint is heard from 18-to-21-ycar-olds 
“I can be sent to war, but I can't buy а 
drink.” Even though most people con- 
sider 18-year-olds to be adults, there 


enough to marry, sign a mortgage, 
enlist in the military, vote and be 
expected to fulfill “adult” obliga- 
tions—yet are not considered mature 
enough to take off their clothes in front 
of a camera. This has nothing to do 
with child porn; it has everything to do 
with politics. 


Atlanta, Georgia 


DRUGGED DOWN 
President Reagan has said that the 
current war on drugs is intended not to 
punish drug users but, rather, to help 
them 


In spite of (concluded on page 46) 


41 


At eye level оп the wall of my office is а 
poster for the Thirties antimarijuana 
film Reefer Madness. WOMEN CRY FOR IT— 
MEN DIE FoR IT: blares the poster, whose 
lower-left-hand corner features a wild 
woman dancer transported іп DRUG- 
CRAZED ABANDON, A cloud of deadly smoke 


wafis toward the upper-left corner, 
warning, ADULTS ONLY! 

I keep the poster there as a reality test. 
Whenever I read a certain kind of story, 
filled with a certain kind of outrageous 
anecdote, my eyes drift toward it, and 1 
think, They're at it again. 

This year's reefer madness is some- 
thing called sexual addiction. Newspa- 
pers from The New York Times to the Los 
Angeles Times to USA Today have run 
articles on this newest menace. 

Even the usually reliable Sex Informa- 
tion and Education Council of the 
United States (SIECUS) has contributed 
to the melodrama surrounding the topic. 
In an article in the SIECUS Report titled 
“A Sex Addict Speaks," we are shown 
how quickly innocence is subverted and 
degradation triumphs: 


After І had ап orgasm, I wanted 
to have sex all the time. . . . I would 
have sex constantly. I also got into 
bestiality. After this guy would have 
sex with me, his dog would lick my 
genitals. I used sex as an escape, to 
avoid dealing with life. My whole 
life revolved around having sex. The 


BOM RT CE .R' 


only time I had any selfworth 
was when someone was having sex 
with me. I felt that sex was all I 
could offer in a relationship. I also 
felt powerful when I pleased some- 
one sexually. When my psychia- 
trist asked me what my main goal 
was, I told him it was to have as 
many orgasms as possible. 


АП sorts of supposed experts 
are promoting the new reefer mad- 
ness. Dr. Victor Cline, a Univer- 
sity of Utah clinical psychologist, 
testified before the Meese com- 
mission that porn was addictive: 


t: There is an addictive 
The тап gets 
hooked on pornography 
and keeps coming back for 
more to get his sexual 
turn-ons. Second, there is 
an escalation in need for 
rougher and more sexu- 
ally shocking material in 
order to get the same 
sexual stimulation as before. Third, 
there is, in time, a desensitiza- 
tion-to-the-materials effect. What 
was first gross, shocking and dis- 
turbing becomes, in time, accepta- 
ble and commonplace. And fourth, 
there is an increased tendency to 
start acting out the sexual activities 
seen in the pornography witnessed. 
What was first fantasy, in time, 
becomes reality. АП sexual 
deviations—the best evidence sug- 
gests—are learned. And it often 
happens through a pattern of mas- 
turbatory conditioning. What is 
viewed is first masturbated to at the 
fantasy level then later acted out in 
real-life behavior. This, in my clini- 
cal experience, nearly always dis- 
turbs the individual's marriage or 
psychological equilibrium. 


Let's get that straight. Sex is some- 
thing so good, you shouldn't do it even 
once. The soft-core stuff (pornography 
and masturbation) leads to the really 
hard-core stuff (actually having sex). 
Clearly, this was a menace that had to be 
investigated, and immediately I started 
hunting for examples of reefer-madness 
mentality. They were not hard to find. 
Donald Wildmon's NFD Journal intro- 
duced a story about a Meese commission 
witness with this intriguing come-on: 
“The chance discovery of a deck of por- 
nographic playing cards changed the life 
of Larry Madigan.” Quick, what hap- 


S 


pened next? If you guessed that Larry 
masturbated, had a wonderful orgasm, 
learned how to play contract bridge, 
went on to a great relationship with a 
gocd-locking girl and built a fine family, 
wrong. If you guessed that Larry started 
stealing PLAYBOYS from the grocery store, 
had oral sex with the family dogs and 
tried sodomy with another young boy, go 
to the head of the class. 

The textbook for students of sexual 
addiction is something called Out of the 
Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addic- 
tion, by Patrick Carnes. It opens, appro- 
priately, with a list of dramatic moments 
culled from the life of a hypothetical sex 
addict. According to Carnes, “А moment 
comes for every addict when the conse- 
quences are so great or the pain is so bad 
that the addict admits life 1s out of con- 
trol because of his or her sexual behav- 
ior." Carnes then gives a few examples of 
such moments that manage to rival the 
drug-crazed ruin of the victims in Reefer 
Madness: “When the squad car pulls into 
the driveway and you know why thcy've 
come. ... When your teenaged son finds 
your pornography!” (Hold on a minute. 
Is Carnes equating being arrested for a 
sex crime with stashing a copy of Swedish 
Nude Volleyball under one's mattress? 
The latter would result in a man-to-man 
discussion about sex, not a phone call to 
a lawyer.) Advance warning of sexual 
addiction, according to Carnes, comes 
when you find yourself “in a room full of 
people, three of whom you have made 
love with recently.” I guess Carnes has 
never been to a college reunion or a mid- 
town coed health club. 

Carncs’s book is filled with fictional 
composites of sex addicts. A fictional 
composite, by definition, is a person who 
does not exist. Among those figments of 
his imagination is one real person who 
would never identify himself as a sex 
addict. Carnes offers as illustration (or 
is it diagnosis?) a passage from Gay 
Talese's Thy Neighbor's Wife: 


Although Hefner was approach- 
ing 45, and had been involved with 
hundreds of photogenic women 
since starting his magazine, he 
enjoyed female companionship now 
more than ever; and perhaps more 
significant, considering all that 
Hefner had seen and done in recent 
years, was that fact that cach occa- 
sion with a new woman was for him a 
novel experience... . and he never tired 
of the consummate act. He was a sex 
junkie with an insatiable habit. 


NOT 


Е В 


о о к 


We should all be so sick. I've told Hef 
of Talese's diagnosis as confirmed by 
Carnes. Hef has agreed to have himself 
committed to a Mansion in Holmby 
Hills for the rest of his life. 

1 laid hands on a copy of Carnes's 
sexual-addiction screening test, a list of 
25 questions designed to help readers 
distinguish between addictive and non- 
addictive behavior. The questionnaire 
starts with a serious query (“Were you 
sexually abused as a child or adoles- 
cent?”), then quickly moves to the ridic- 
ulous ("Have you subscribed to 
regularly purchased sexually expl 
magazines like pLavBoy or Pentouse?”). 

Gosh, this sexual addiction must be 
worse than I thought. That would give 
you at least 15,000,000 fellow addicts 
right there. (Carnes’s official estimates 
are even grander. He told USA Today 
that sexual addicts numbered between 
three and six percent of the population. 
Others say ten percent. That's some- 
where between 6,600,000 and 22,000,000 
people. Think about that for a minute. 

More danger signs from Carnes: 

0. Do you find yourself preoccupied 
with sexual thoughts? 

A, Га guess that they occur every ten 
minutes or so. Is that obsessive? Accord- 
ing to a study at the University of Louis- 
ville, that's about average. 

О. Are any of your sexual acti 
against the law? р 

А. In 25 states they are, but that's 
because of a fucked-up Supreme Court 
and archaic sodomy laws, not because of 
my behavior. 

Q. Do you have to hide some of your 
sexual behavior from others? 

А. Yes—that's why God invented Lev- 
olor blinds. 

0. Do you ever feel bad about your 
sexual bchavior? 

A. Only when I’m not getting any. 

I went to another screening test, used 
by Dr. Mark Schwartz, professor of psy- 
chiatry at Tulane University. He lists as 
опе of the symptoms of sex addiction 
“fecling compelled to have sexual rela- 
пз again and again within a short pe- 
riod of time.” Clearly, Dr. Schwartz has 
never checked into a room at the UN 
Plaza with a lover for the weekend or, for 
that matter, gone on a honeymoon. 

1 began to see what was going on. For 
Cline, Carnes and Schwartz, all excess is 
wretched. The old definition of a nym- 
phomaniac was “someone who had a 
stronger desire than the person doing the 
labeling.” And that’s what sexual addic- 


ties 


tion is—a label. In last summer's hit 
comedy She's Gotta Have It, one of the 
men who tried to court and control a 
woman with a healthy sexual appetite 
said, “I'm not calling you a slut or a 
nymphomaniac. Maybe you're a sex 
addict.” 

If it weren't so dangerous, it would be 
funny. Dr. Eli Coleman, associate direc- 
tor of the human-sexuality program at 
the University of Minnesota Medical 
School, writing in the SIECUS Report, 
goes straight to the heart of the matter: 
“Free use of the words addiction and 
compulsion has rendered these terms 
meaningless. The way that some are 
defining these terms renders the world 
and all people within as compulsive or 
addictive.” 

One has to wonder: Why now? 

Coleman explains: 


There seems to be no coincidence 
that the growth of interest in sexual 
compulsivity or addiction has paral- 
leled the growth of right-wing, 
conservative and discriminatory 
attitudes about sexuality and the 
increase in the dangers of sexually 
transmitted diseases, such as herpes 
and AIDS. The argument has been 
made that the mental-health pro- 
fessionals using such conceptu- 
alizations have become simply 
instruments of such conservative 
political views and have made peo- 
ple who do not fit into a narrow, tra- 
ditional sexual lifestyle feel bad, 
immoral and now mentally ill. For 
example, a young client came to me 
and said that he was a sexual addict. 
When I asked him why he thought 
this, he told me that he masturbated 
two to three times weekly and had 
been trying to stop for several years. 
He began worrying about this 
behavior after he learned that sex 
could become “addictive.” 

His behavior could be understood 
as addictive by some or compulsive 
by others. Or his behavior could be 
defined as a conflict between con- 
servative sexual attitudes and a mis- 
understanding of normal or healthy 
sexual behavior. I chose the latter in 
treating this individual. 


When I read that quote, I wondered 
where that young boy had gotten the 
idea that sex was addictive. Maybe he 
read USA Today. Maybe he watched 
Donahue. Or had he gotten the message 
from the agents of repression who used to 


say that masturbation would make you 
insane, grow hair on your palms, deprive 
you of sight? Clearly, the young man had 
run into a hurtful message about sex 
right at the time when he was most curi- 
ous and most vulnerable. But isn't that 
the point? 

Just as the film makers who created 
Reefer Madness tried to warn children 
about the dangers of drug use with dis- 
torted side-show images, the conserva- 
tive right tries to threaten the wonder 
and delight of sexual pleasure with the 
ominous specter of addiction, It portrays 
sex as something beyond your control. 
Just as the Meese commission tried to 
classify all erotica as pornography, the 
new theorists suggest that all sex is 
potentially addictive. The Meese com- 
mission designated three classes of harm- 
ful pornography. Carnes describes three 
levels of addictive behavior: The first 
includes such widespread behavior аз 
“masturbation, heterosexual relation- 
ships, pornography, prostitution* and 
homosexuality.” Once hooked, some vic- 
tims drift inexorably into the second 
level: “exhibitionism, voyeurism, inde- 


cent phone calls and indecent liberties.” 
And on level three, lurking in the shad- 
ows, are the true horrors of “child moles- 
tation, incest and rape.” 

Why all of this emphasis on horror? 
Carnes is trying to scare you back into 
“The 


the fold with such remarks as 
addict runs great risk by being 
outside of a committed relations! 
“The absence of a relationship and the 
desire for heightened excitement are the 
twin pillars of sexual addiction.” He con- 
demns a “macho socicty” for its array 
of topless bars and porno movies. “A 
veritable smorgasbord of obsession for 
the addict exists." Working in a shoe 
store, however, does not make one a shoc 
fetishist. 

Sexual addiction is a loaded term, 
complete with a hidden agenda. Says 
Coleman, “The concept can potentially 
be used to oppress sexual minorities. For 
example, individuals with multiple sex- 
ual partners or same-sex partners may be 
viewed as compulsives or addicts 
because they do not conform to the 
moral values of the prevailing culture (or 
therapist). With the political swing to the 
right in sexual morality, the dangers for 
abuse of this conceptualization are rife.” 

The notion that sex is addictive is non- 
sense. I am sure that there are people 
who are troubled by sex and that there 


аге people who abuse sex. But I refuse to 
let them give sex a bad name. Psycholo- 
gist Sol Gordon, professor emeritus at 
Syracuse University, says, “Any form of 
behavior can become compulsive. Some 
people eat too much, not because they 
are hungry but because they have high 
levels of anxiety. Some people drink too 
much, not because they are thirsty but 
because of anxiety, and many become 
alcoholics. And there are those who mas- 
turbate too much, not because they are 
aroused but because of tension. My point 
is that if you absolutely must have a com- 
pulsion, please choose masturbation 
rather than overcating or overdrinking. 
Nobody has ever died from 
overmasturbating.” Or from having too 
much sex. 

For sex 10 satisfy the classical defini- 
tion of an addictive substance, two con- 
ditions would have to be met: (1) The 
addict would have to partake of progres- 
sively larger doses to get the same physi- 
ological effect; (2) drawal from sex 
would have to result in noticeable symp- 
toms. I have found that a little dose of sex 
(a quickie) produces the same effects as a 
large dose of sex (a marathon). The only 
condition withdrawal from sex causes is 
boredom. 

Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan, one of the 
foremost experts in the field of sexual 
problems, does not believe that sexual 
addiction should be a distinct diagnostic 
category, duc to its rare occurrence and 
indistinguishability from other compul- 
sive disorders. She believes that sexual 
addiction is a media term that has no sci- 
ity—in other words, a hype. 

At the center of the sexual-addiction 
controversy is a fallacy. Sexual Addicts 
Anonymous is рацегпей оп Alcoholics 
Anonymous. People get up and confes 
“I used sex just like alcohol sometimes. 
If I had a bad day, Га use it to make 
myself feel better. Pd use other people 
the way an alcoholic uses drink." lf you 
follow that analogy, then it is people who 
arc addictive, not sex. Do I use sex the 
way I usc alcohol? Sometimes I have sex 
before a meal, sometimes after and, on 
occasion, during. I have used sex to for- 
get. I have used sex to remember. I have 
used sex to celebrate a success. 1 have 
used sex to drown my sorrow at the 
death of a friend. I have been roaring 
horny. I have been a belligerent lover— 
and morc. 

To deny that sex is multifaceted, to 
reduce it to a single authorized, itemized, 
rationed usc, is to devalue it completely. 

Webster's gives as onc of its definitions 
‚of addict “one showing zealous interest” 
or onc who has "enthusiastic devotion, 
strong inclination or frequent indul- 
gence.” That's me. I confess. I’m a sex 
addict. I can live with it. 


PUTTING 


When it first made news, a lot of 
people laughed off the 
Defense Initiative (S.D.I.) as the finest 
example of deranged politico-military 
thinking since the Maginot line. Its 
projected costs would make it the most 
expensive human venture in the his- 
tory of the solar system—and maybe 
the most reckless one, considering the 
amount of self-delusion required to 
imagine that it would (A) work and 
(B) not freak out the Russians, whose 
equanimity in such matters can be 
judged by their past behavior toward 
errant Korean airliners and snoopy 
U.S. Army officers. 

But since S.D.I. managed to shoot 
down the arms talks in Iceland without 
even being deployed, it appears we're 
stuck with it and will just have to make 
the best of the situation. So I’ve re- 
examined this cloud in search of a sil- 
ver lining, and I think Гуе found 
it—we can use Star Wars as a sanity 
test for people secking public office. 

The test is simple. A “Yes, I believe 
in Star Wars” tells us all we need to 
know—which is to say, the candidate's 
unhealthy capacity for wishful think- 
ing. 

Just consider for a moment what 
supporters of the Strategic Defense Ini- 
tiative presume: 

* That the military hardware will 
work, that i work untested, that it 
will work 100 percent, that it will work 
indefinitely; 

* That subsequent scientific discov- 
eries won't turn it all into useless space 
junk; 

«That the Russians will stand still 
while we fill the heavens with exotic 
military hardware; 

"That world politics will remain on 
present course indefinitely; 

+ That future American Presidents 
will share Ronald Reagan's vision of 
military strategy; 

* That we can do without New York, 
Washington, Houston and the rest of 
Our coastal irate Russian 
submarine skippers might take out just 
for spite. 

Anyone who believes in even one of 
those things should be considered as 
crazy as an outhouse mouse and clearly 
unfit to hold public office. 

It's.obvious from watching Govern- 
ment officials defend S.D.I. on televi- 


the 


Strategic , 


sion that they have a desire to believe 
in Star Wars that is religious in its 
intensity and is also immune to contra- 
dictory information. They remind me 
of Samuel Shenton, the last presi 
member of England's Flat Earth So 
ety. No matter how severely tested, his 
faith that the earth was flat remained 
unshaken. 

(Snicker at Shenton if you will, but 
in our own land we still have millions 
who cannot abide the godless concept 
of evolution, and among them are some 
scemingly rational and educated pco- 
ple who toil away for ycars in laborato- 
ries to scientifically defend the literal 
Biblical account of creation. I have yet 
to hear of one who looked at evidence 
to the contrary, concluded it was over- 
whelming, sighed and changed his 
mind.) 

"The S.D.1. Shentons have the same 
fervent mind-set and espouse the same 
Philosophy; that is, “I think it should 
be, therefore it is." They have an as- 
yet-unexplained imperative to believe 
in a space god, just as their ancestors 
had to believe in magic, which can be 
regarded as the S.D.L's basic operat- 
ing principle. There's not much point 
in arguing about Star Wars with peo- 
ple who believe in it. All we can do is 
promote our S.D.I. sanity test just to 
annoy them, meanwhile hoping that 
the Russians will understand that they 
arc dealing with loonies and will be too 
afraid to start anythii 


. 
On the other hand, 1 may be all 
wrong about S.D.I. supporters. It’s 
possible that President Reagan and 
теп аге, in fact, the shrewdest states- 
men of our time, masters of political 
subtlety, and that they sense world 
danger from the diminishing credibil- 
ity of Mutually Assured Destruction 
(M.A.D.). How brilliant of them to 
replace that worn-out doctrine with 
a Crazier-Than-Thou approach to 
secure an arms-control agreement on 
the most favorable terms possible. Try 
to imagine yourself an atheistic Rus- 
sian arms negotiator who would sin- 
cerely like to avoid war for his own 
selfish reasons, knowing that the 
world's other great nuclear arsenal is 
in the hands of the Ayatollah 

Khomeini's American counterpart. 
— WILLIAM J, HELMER 


N E W S F R О М Т 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


BIRMINCHAM— Opening another front 
in the war on drugs, scientists at the Uni- 
versity of Alabama have adapted the 
radioimmunoassay technique to test hair 
samples for cocaine and other drugs that 
are no longer present elsewhere in the 
body. Writing in the Journal of Forensic 
Sciences, researchers Frederick P. Smith 


and Ray Liu state that traces of drugs are 
deposited in hair as it grows in the scalp 
and remain detectable even after the hair 
is cut or lost. Since hair grows half an 
inch per month, a person with 18-inch- 
long locks could be tested for drug use as 
far back as three years. The scientists 
added that one advantage for investiga- 
tors is that about 50 hairs fall өш every 
day and can be obtained without a per- 
son's consent, 


Afier paying researcher Judith 
Reisman $734,371 to examine PLAYBOY, 
Penthouse and Hustler for images of 
children and expecting her to draw con- 
clusions about the portrayal of children 
and sex in these magazines, the Justice 
Department has announced that “the 
major objectives of the study . . . were not 
accomplished" and that the reports qual- 
ity is too low for publication. “As the final 
report from American University [which 
sponsored the study] acknouledges, there 
ате multiple serious flaws in the methodol- 
ogy,” the acting director of the juvenile 


justice office wrote. "We believe, based on. 
confirmation. of the problems by external 
peer reviewers, thal these flaws signifi- 
cantly reduce the definitiveness and use- 
fulness of the findings.” 


SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS—/7 а key ruling, 
the Illinois Supreme Court rejected a 
wrongful-life claim by parents who con- 
tended that it would have been better for 
their child never to have been born than 
for it to have suffered through a painful 
and fatal degenerative disease. The par- 
ents accused doctors of not informing 
them of prenatal tests that could have 
detected Tay-Sachs disease in the fetus; 
such test results might have prompted the 
option of abortion. Referring to the argu- 
ment that abortion would have been pref- 
erable to the child's suffering, the court 
majority held that “man, who knows noth- 
ing of death or nothingness, cannot possi- 
bly know whether that is so." A dissenting 
justice wrole that the court had enmeshed 
itself "in a philosophical issue which it has 
no competence to resolve” and suggested 
that, “given the nature of the birth defect, 
nonlife may have been preferable to life.” 


cmicaco—The Department of Unin- 
tended Consequences, — Righleousness 
Division, reports that more than 1000 
retail stores have added тулувоу to their 
reading racks in the wake of pressure- 
group efforts to limit availability of adult 
publications. In addition, sales of the 
‘magazine increased by 30 to 40 percent 
in chain stores that resisted the censorship 


campaigns. 


rome—In a thinly veiled criticism of 
homosexual lobbyists in the Catholic 
Church in America, the Vatican has 
issued new guidelines that reiterate the 
Church's doctrinal condemnation of 
homosexual acts. The statement urges 
greater vigilance in opposing the “deceit- 
ful propaganda” of prohomosexual 
groups in society and in the Church. 
While not actually calling homosexuality 
а sin, the guidelines do demand celibacy 
on the part of gays in order to avoid con- 
flict with Church teachings. They also 


direct Church officials not to permit. 
homosexual-rights groups to meet or hold 
worship services on Catholic Church 
property. Error in attitude toward homo- 
sexuality was one of the factors cited in 
two recent cases of Vatican disciplinary 
action against two prominent Catholic 
clerics in the U.S. 


CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS—The Christian 
Broadcasting Network is free of sex but 
is hot for killing, according to the Na- 
tional Coalition on Television Violence. 
N.C.T.V. research director Thomas 
Radechi said that Presidential hopeful 
Pat Robertson's very proper CBN bills 
itself as “The Family Entertainer,” but its 
shoot-em-up Westerns and other action 
dramas deliver more death and violence 
than any other TV channel in the coun- 
try. He noted that in CBN reruns of “The 
Man from U.N.C.L.E.," the two heroes 
kill 48 of their enemies, attempt to kill 
another 14 and knock 61 people uncon- 
scious. “Violence is something all around 
us.” countered CBN spokesman Earl 
Weirich. “And it always has been. You can 
no more take violence out of our lives 
than remove love. You can ignore it, bul 


it's stall there. It has to be shoum for what 
it is.” He said that CBN had received 
bundles of mail fiom parents thanking 
them for providing alternative program- 
ing that they feel comfortable watching 
with their children. He failed to explain 
why CBN ignores sex, which, like vio- 
lence, is something all around us. 


PLAYBOY 


46 


these words, judges in Chesterfield 
County, Virginia, continue to give stiff 
sentences for possession of small amounts 
of controlled substances. Their intention 
is most certainly nol to help drug users but 
to punish them. 

In 1978, І broke my neck and back. 
While trying to combat the chronic pain 
from my accident, I became drug- 
dependent. I knew I had a problem; but 
before I got myself together to join a drug- 
rehabilitation program, I was arrested for 
possession of .17 gram of cocaine and sen- 
tenced to five years. Between the time of 
my arrest and my sentencing, I admitted 
myself to a rehabilitation program at the 
VA Medical Center in Salem, Virginia. I 
haven't used any cocaine since my arrest. 

In any case, whether or not I've gone 
through rehabilitation, I'm faced with 
spending time in a state penal institution. 
I don't see that any good, for the state or 
for myself, will be accomplished by my 
being incarcerated. In view of President 
Reagan's statements concerning drug 
users, the sentencc I received has left me 
very confused. 


Stephen Allen Redd 
Chesterfield, Virginia 


Our Government is billions of dollars in 
the red, yet it’s spending millions on mili- 
tary reconnaissance flights to detect mari- 
juana planted in our national forests 
More millions are spent on eradicating 
these plants. Why aren't we legalizing 
marijuana—and taxing it? We'd be saving 
on law-enforcement costs and wed be 
making money on its sale. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Alexandria, Louisiana 

Contrary to what President Reagan wants 
us to believe, the facts are these: Federal 
funds for drug education and treatment have 
declined from $332,000,000 in 1980 
to $234,000,000 in 1986, while law- 
enforcement measures cost more than one 
billion dollars per year. The Reagan Admin- 
istration is spending heavily on high-profile 
antidrug operations. You may remember the 
recent series of helicopter raids on deserted 
cocaine laboratories in Bolivia, or the block- 
ade of New York harbor, when 21 law- 
enforcement craft stopped 90 pleasure and 
commercial boats in search of drugs. Both 
were costly expeditions that contributed noth- 
ing to the һай of the drug trade. Іп any case, 
Reagan is apparently more interested in 
using drug-test results as a way lo discharge 
or punish workers than in using them as a 
way to cure people. The Government's Office 
of Personnel Management has issued new 
guidelines оп illegal drug use by Federal 
employees. The rules, which became effective 
last November, give Federal agencies 
immense discretion im deciding what discipli- 
nary action should be taken if a worker is 
found using drugs. Dismissal is possible after 
а first offense, mandatory after a second. 
These Federal guidelines contradict Reagan's 
statement last September that the program of 


drug testing and screening would not be used 
to punish Federal workers. 


LIMITED ACCESS 
I read recently that there is more infor- 
mation in one weekday New York Times 
than a person in the 16th Century had 
access to in one lifetime. The people in 
Tennessee and Mobile, Alabama, are try- 
ing to put their children back to the 1500s 
by not allowing them access to the infor- 
mation that’s available. 
William Price 
Chicago, Illinois 


If a parent protects his child from any- 
thing that the parent considers threaten- 
ing, how is the child ever going to be 
able to make decisions on his own? At 
some point, no matter how protected peo- 
ple are, they will be hit with an incredible 
array of information from which decisions 
have to be made. I find this movement 
toward banning texts and censoring 
library books frightening, indeed. 

John Randall 
Scottsdale, Arizona 


ADULT DECISIONS 

Тһе Toot 'n Totum Food Stores, based 
in Amarillo, Texas, have decided to begin 
selling adult magazines again after a poll 
showed that the majority favored their 
sale. 

According to the company’s survey, 
which involved 500 customers in 17 stores, 
75.6 percent were against removing the 
magazines and 23.8 percent were for a 
ban. Three respondents said that they 
didn’t care one way or another. 

I think that the folks at Toot "n Totum 
have the right idea. ГЇЇ bet that if all pro- 
posals to ban reading material were put to 
a public vote, our nation’s convenience 
storcs, so casily intimidated by the far 
Right, would be very surprised by the 
results. 

Contrary to popular belief, antiporn 
advocates and other book burners are not 
the majority. They just have bigger 
mouths than those of us who favor free- 
dom of choice. 

Donald Vaughan 
Greenacres, Florida 


‘SIMPLE ANSWERS FOR 
SIMPLE QUESTIONS 
In January Forum Feedback, J. A. Rice 
asks a simple question: “7-Elevens don't 
sell sexual aids such as vibrators, so why 
should they sell sexually oriented maga- 
zines?” I have a reply: 7-Elevens don't sell 
military equipment such as grenades, so 
why should they carry Soldier of Fortune 
magazine? They don't sell running shoes, 
so why should they carry Runner's World? 
Can't fundamentalist thinkers come up 
with better arguments than those they’re 
giving us? 
Vincent J. Tomaino 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


WOMEN FOR PORNOGRAPHY: 
CENSORED 
Last November, a volunteer for Women 
for Pornography called in a classified ad to 
The Huntsville Times. Buford Bagwell, the 
classified-ads manager, would not accept 
the following copy: 


Women for Pornography to open 
Alabama chapter. For information, 
write Melanie Holzman, P.O. Box 
20579, Columbus, Ohio 43220. 
Include S.A.S.E. and $2. 


Now, what is so unprintable about that? 
1 never imagined that newspapers would 
begin supporting censorship! 

Decdra Merope 

Women for Pornography 

Huntsville, Alabama 


IM-PEACHY IDEA 
In the past, I've been a passive person. 
But no more! I'm starting a campaign to 
impeach Attorney General Meesc. Any- 
опе care to join? 
Paul R. Williams 
Austin, Texas 


SEX AS A RELIGION? 

I've read that fundamentalists have 
gone to court in Alabama to prove that 
secular humanism is a religion. Although 
they scem upset that humanists don't 
believe in God, I'll bet their major beef is 
the fact that secular humanists believe in 
the right to birth control and the right to 
abortion and are against prohibiting sex- 
val practices between consenting adults. 
Let's let the fundamentalists win this сазе. 
We'll make secular humanism a religion 
and make sexual promiscuity its main 
tenet. Pornography will become a reli- 
gious text protected by the First Amend- 
ment. The nine-billion-dollar-a-year porn 
industry, supposedly feeding the coffers of 
organized crime, will receive the samc 
tax-exempt status as organized religion. 
Cable TV won't just show X-rated movies 
but will allow the producers of such shows 
to ask for tax-deductible charitable dona- 
tions. Since we don’t allow religion to be 
taught in public schools, we will have to 
forgo sex education (thus giving funda- 
mentalists one victory); but at least after 
high school, we secular humanists will be 
allowed to worship in our own way. 

М. Freedman 
Chicago, Illinois 


“PERVERTED” THINKING 

Imagine the trouble it would cause if ail 
us perverts who delight in the heinous 
crime of heterosexual oral sex were to turn 
ourselves over to the authorities, confess 
our transgressions and demand to be pun- 
ished. 

What would those states that consider 
sodomy a crime do with us all? Maybe 
then they’d change their laws. 

М.Р. Kahl, Ph.D. 
Sedona Arizona 


Marlboro Red or Longhorn 100's— 
you get a lot to like. 


© Philip Morris inc. 1986 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


16 mg "tar; 1.0 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, FIC Report Feb 'B5 


Show her the kind of forever you want to give her. 


You always want her to 
have the best of everything. Her 
diamond engagement ring is a 
fitting place to begin. So let it be 
a diamond of the т quality. 

"Today, that means spending 


about 2 months’ salary. 

So take your time. See a 
jeweler. Learn about the 465 that 
determine a diamonds quality: 
Cut, color, clarity and carat- 
weight. And send for our booklet, 

“Everything Youd Love to Know... 
About Diamonds.” Just mail 


$1.25 to DIC, Dept. DER-PL, 
Box 1344, NY, NY 10101-1344. 
After all, this is the one 
thing that will symbolize your 
love every day of your lives. 
A diamond is forever. 


> 


Is 2 months’ salary too much to spend 


for something that lasts forever? 


«aa: LIONEL. RICHIE 


а candid conversation with the number-one songwriting champion about 
breaking away, dancing on the ceiling and singing all the way to the bank 


At three хм,—їп the middle of his compos- 
ing day— Lionel Richie is locked away in the 
soundproof studio of his Bel Air home, 
“mean and rolling,” he jokes. Oulfitted in a 
mustard-yellow track suit and munching a 
bagful of Famous Amos cookies, the 37-year- 
old singer sits surrounded by a one-man 
band: two synthesizers, a 24-track board, 
three electronic keyboards, a Yamaha grand 
and a “live” microphone hooked into mam- 
moth speakers. Tape recorders are strewn 
everywhere, because the nation’s number-one 
hil man doesn't read music, much less bother 
to write it down. 

No matter. Blessed with an impeccable car 
that can pull one discordant error from 24 
Richie is a self-professed “humma- 
conjuring up tunes “from a radio 
playing in my head” and customizing lyrics 
during 45-minute showers and three-hour 
drives on the Pacific Coast Highway. 

Hidden behind his ubiquitous shades and 
revving to 80 miles per hour, Richie roams 
in his beefed-up white Porsche or silver 
Mercedes—both of them miniature recording 
studios, equipped with studio-quality tape 
decks and vibrating doors that serve literally 
as speakers. Sleeping half the day, working 
most of the night, he searches for the melodies 
and words that describe his favorite subject, 
love: the loss of it, the pain of it, the joy of it, 


“I was a boy scout. I was an altar boy. 1 grew 
ир on a college campus. Who the hell wants 
to hear about a kid who wasn't from a broken 
home? Well, that's not how it happened for 
те. Not everybody can һе оп drugs.” 


the anything of it. Not for him the whimsical 
eccentricities of Michael Jackson, the bad-boy 
sexual taunts of Prince, the grit of Bruce 
Springsteen. Richie does, however, see him- 
self as a rock-’n'-roller and proudly shows off 
his punky collection of rainbow-coloved 
leather pants, vowing lo “rock up my pop” 
and “take off my shirt” in future work. 
Although unsympathelic critics can be 
scathing about what they've called Richie's 
saccharine tunes and boy-scout demeanor, 
Richie himself says matter-of-factly, “My 
music works, People respond, the records 
sell—and nobody determines my musical 
journey but me: 
Richie's composing muse has yielded nine 
years of consecutive number-one singles, an 
astonishing record rivaled only by Irving 
Balin, who also topped the charts for nine 
years running. Motoum executives hope that. 
hus latest album, “Danang on the Ceiling,” 
will eventually outsell Richie’s last block- 
buster, “Can't Slow Down,” the biggest- 
selling album in Motown history: more than 
15,000,000 units sold, more than 


$100,000,000 grossed. Richie has five 
Grammys (out of 33 nominations), 13 Amer- 
ican Music Awards, a Golden Globe and a 
roomful of People’s Choice statuettes. His 
bathroom is for pholographs—and its walls 
are covered with favorites: Quincy Jones, 


“Success means more to me than hip. Success 
means selling 20,000,000 albums, filling 
20,000-seat coliscums. I'm into total masses 
of people. I want as many people lo hear ту 
music as possible.” 


Michael Jackson, Diana Ross, right-hand 
producer James Anthony Carmichael and 
members of Richie's Alabama family. “Mak- 
ing the wall,” he laughs, "means true 
friend.” Although he grounds himself with 
‘family trips to Hawaii and likes to return 
periodically to Tuskegee—where he keeps the 
same apartment he used as а college 
student—the touring life and the fast lane 
hold equal appeal. 

To hear him tell it, the following hap- 
pened, nol so unusually, within one two-week 
period: He shared soul food and a private 
screening al home with Elizabeth Taylor and 
George Hamilton; Michael Jackson dropped 
by to demonstrate dance steps on a specially 
built floor in the family gym; he had a chat 
with Placido Domingo on the travails of per- 
forming in mammoth amphitheaters; he put 
in a couple of hours sun-bathing with 
Springsteen; he slipped unnoticed into a 
Prince concert and afterward was backslap- 
ping in the theater parking lot with Muham- 
mad Ай; he danced at his favorite L.A. night 
spot, Tramps; he spent an afternoon trading 
gossip with Tina Turner; he unpacked the 
polka-dot boxer shorts sent to him by admirer 
Calvin Klein; and he generally just hung out 
with family friends, Quincy Jones and Sheila E. 

Not bad for a painfully shy Alabamian 
who, as a boy, flubbed his classical-piano 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK SENNETT 

“Twas the kid who was too slow for baseball, 
too short for basketball, too light for 
Football—and I wasn't the world's greatest 
lover. So here was something 1 could do: 
Writing was like therapy.” 


49 


PLAYBOY 


assignments and dreamed of becoming an 
accountant or a lawyer. 

Born June 20, 1949, Lionel Richie was 
raised in academic environs, across the street 
from the Tuskegee Institute. The hard-work 
philosophy of Booker T. Washington, the 
school's visionary founder, served as the 
Richie family credo. Both the boys father, 
Lionel, a systems analyst for the Army, and 
his mother, Alberta, an elementary. school 
principal, believed the key to success was edu- 
cation. And both parents were determined to 
keep their son protected. from a more alien 
environment. “I never even went the three 
miles into town without them—and then, 
only to the bank," he vecalls 

Richie attended. Tuskegee оп a tennis 
scholarship, majoring іп economics and 
accounting, and also took to roaming with 
his sax case—a ploy designed to impress the 
opposite sex. Thanks to a freshman talent 
show, he hooked up with five ambitious 
crooners who boasted that they would become 
the black Beatles. In 1969, armed with a 
200-page game plan for success master- 
minded by Richie—which copied many of the 
touring and public-relations ploys used by the 
Beatles—and calling themselves the Commo- 
dores, they painstakingly carved out a 
regional following and hit the big time іп 
1971 as the warm-up group for the Jackson 
5. Their 1974 hit “Machine Gun” fired them 
into the national spotlight, as did “Just to Be 
Close to You” (1976). But it wasn't until 
Richie led the way with " (1977), 
“Three Times a Lady" (1978), “Still 
(1979) and “Sail On” (1979) that the group 
soared, racking up four gold and three plati- 
num albums. 

The down. side of this success was the fact 
that while Richie had captured the spotlight, 
his colleagues were being virtually ignored. 
Jealousy and resentment infested the relation- 
ship, though Commodores manager Benny 
Ashburn tried desperately to hold the band 
together, Group member William King 
accused Richie of pulling the group apart: "I 
Just hope he realizes Ihe price the band paid 
so he could become a star.” The final break 
came in 1980 with “Lady,” rejected by the 
Commodores as “corny” and rebelliously pre 
sented by Richie to Kenny Rogers. "Lady" 
became Rogers’ biggest single to date, tally- 
ing more than 15,000,000 copies. 

Laler that year, when ifighting among 
the Commodores reached its height, Richie 
wrote “Endless Love,” a duet with Diana 
Ross that further enhanced his solo status. It 
became the biggest hit single of Ross's long 
career. Richie cauld do no wrong. 

Going solo in 1982, he enlisted the sup- 
port of rock-pop-business wiz Ken Kragen, 
who" for wars had masterminded Rogers" 
career. Kragen’s challenge was to make 
Richie's face as recognizable as his songs—a 
feat partly accomplished in 1984, when the 
singer signed an $8,000,000 pact with 
Pepsi-Cola—topping Michael Jackson's deal 
at the time with Pepsi by $3,000,000. 

It was Kragen who, not content with being 
merely the manager for Rogers and Richie, 
helped develop the idea for USA for Africa in 


1985, A year later, he created and adminis- 
tered Hands Across America—the overblown 
clone of USA that would yield disappointing 
financial results. But to his chagrin, Kragen 
discovered that Richie—worn out from his 
backbreaking organizational feat for USA 
for Africa and eager to finish his latest 
album—had refused to become as fully 
involved in Hands. Kragen impulsively fired 
Richie on February 5, 1986, and then cut his 
staff to the bone, axing ten employees. The 
two speedily reconciled, yet one senses a new- 
found wariness in Richie: “Agents and pub- 
licists come and go,” he says пош. 

Accompanying the singer throughout these 
limes is his wife of 11 years, Brenda, a native 
of Brewton, Alabama, who has been de- 
scribed by Richie as a “systems person— 
Miss Organization.” Brenda is a formidable 
businesswoman, overseeing the marketing of 
Richie merchandise, directing his fan club 
and otherwise protecting her husband from 
opportumisis. “She has a temper and knows 
how to use it,” he says proudly. 

Brenda, a social worker with a passion for 
children, has also faced, with Richie, the dis- 


“Wimpy to me means— 
guess what? —sales. 
Criticisms don't bother 
me. One guy called me 
‘yucky, gooey, icky.” 


appointment of not yet having been able (о 
have children. In the meantime, they relish 
the visits of their ten godchildren, who roam 
a Spanish-style house sumptuously decorated 
with African objets d'art, overstuffed furni- 
ture and, in the living room, Lalique swans 
nesting near a mammoth Bösendorfer concert 
grand. “He deserves to have the best,” says 
Brenda of her husband. 

We sent writer Glenn Plaskin, whose last 
“Playboy Interview” was with Calvin Klein, 
lo talk with Richie during the five-week pe- 
riod that included the singer's completion of 
“Dancing on the Ceiling” and preparations 
Jor a world tour. 

“I worried that Richie, the perennial nice 
guy, might turn out to be as bland in conver- 
sation as sharp-longued critics have accused 
him of being in his music,” Plaskin says. “А 
sky-high career hadn't driven him to drugs or 
М of star temperament; his sunny disposi- 
tion and tongue-tied thank yous for dozens of 
award — This is outrageous!” he'd say over 
and over again—had become the butt of 
good-natured jokes; there were no marital 
scandals or nervous collapses, not even a 
workout video. 

“I was therefore relieved to meet the real 
Skeet, as he calls himself: mischievously 
ironic, a methodical craftsman, perhaps too 
quick to trust and disarmingly candid— 
though as cagey as any political candidate 
when dodging an unwanted question. 


“One marked contradiction is Richie's atli- 
tude toward money: Although he insists that 
matenal objects and cold cash mean little to 
him, he admits unabashedly that every song 
and lyric is gauged with concert-ticket and rec- 
ord sales in mind. “Mass appeal is it, he says. 

“Business aside, Richie frequently ex- 
presses his emotions in pel phrases he em- 
phasizes aloud. “That's called memo off my 
desk,” he said of Kragen's dismissal of him, or 
hat's called being slow motion,” of his 
early sex life. On the subject of sex, Richie 
discussed. candidly—if shyly—the past temp- 
tations of the road and his present-day con- 
lentment with his wife. Not once did he refuse 
10 answer a question—whether about fidelity 
in his marriage, his curiosity about drugs or 
the racism he faced from radio program 
directors in the Seventies. 

“Our first session, а one э.м. breakfast іп 
the Richie dining room, started with a platter 
of spaghetti and a head-on collision between 
Richie and those who criticize him.” 


PLAYBOY: As a songwriter and perlormer, 
you've had more consecutive number-one 
singles than anyone else in history—that 
includes Frank natra, the Beatle: 
Michael Jackson and Bruce Springsteen 
Those are pretty staggering statistics. Do 
you feel bowled over? 

"m laughing. What in the world is 
1 was going to do a quick spin 
`n’ roll with the Commodores, make 
whats called fast money and then go to 
a ave a clue about the 
thing. By the time I won 
the Oscar for Say You, Say Me, my dream 
had actually come true. 

PLAYBOY: That's when you made a rather 
gushy acceptance speech. 

RICHIE: I had practiced my acceptance 
speech in the privacy оГ my bathroom 
hundreds of times—I had prepared to be 
ever so calm and gracious. But when 1 
won. my mouth didn't work. I found 
myself spilling out my guts, while inside I 
el, don't do this. This is 
t you want to say." But I meant it. 
PLAYBOY: Your fans love you, but some cri 
ics think of you as a boy scout. Are уо! 
RICHIE: 1 was a boy scout. 1 was an altar 
boy. I grew up on a college campus. The 
word is boring—because who the hell 
wants to hear about a kid who wasn't 
gangster from a broken home? Not every- 
body can be on drugs. The stand: 
tion is “How did you make 
business?” and the standard an 
started out in the ghetto, coked up, didn't 
know my mom and dad, finally struggled 
my way into a rock-n'-roll band, got off 
drugs and here 1 am today.” Well, that's 
not the way it happened. 

» when critics charge you with 
being a Іше... wimpy? 

RICHIE: [Laughs] | say, “Thank 
Watch me at the ticket booth; 
record sales. Wi 


me. 
коосу, 


One guy called 


те “yucky, 


icky—a true maltz schmaltz" before Can't 
Slow Down came out. "Then I received a 
telegram from him saying, Ок. FELLA, I was 
WRONG. 

PLAYBOY: Whosc opinion do you genuinely 


John ©. Public’s. Pm selling to 
him. Гус discovered that the avcrage John 
responds best to a simple lyric—nothing 
flowery, flamboyant or abstract. He's not 
impressed by big words. So-called edu- 
cated people like to sit around and 
impress one another with how much they 
can remember. I'm not selling to that 
crowd. Г want to 


In very simple terms, 
I'm hurting, 
there's only onc way to 
? It sounds boring, but 


, “I love vou, I miss you, 
" Now, 
m lonely 


ii lone 
say it: * 
it works. 
"There's a little saying in thc industry: 
Compose a fast song and you can write, 
Baby, ah-ah, baby, ooh-ooh," and it 
makes no dillerence— people will dance to 
it. But in slower songs, you've got to reach 
in and find something that people can 
relate to. That's what I do. 
PLAYEOY: Do you think you're a good lyric 
writer? 
RICHIE: 1 think that I'm hitting it de 
the head. Period 
PLAYBOY: As you did most memorably with 
We Are the World, a collaboration with 
Michael Jackson. How did that work? Did 
Jackson say “We are” and you say “the 
world"? 


RICHIE: [Laughs] We'd wanted to write a 
song together ever since 1971 but never 
had. 
PLAYBOY: Who wrote more of the melody, 
you or he? 
RICHIE: He did. 
PLAYBOY: And thc words? 
RICHIE: We did. Michael and I were willing 
to test ideas out on cach other without 
pene embarrassed that we'd look like idi- 
. We sat down and talked about the 
SR for three days before we wrote it and 
came around to the main point: The song 
had to be an anthem. Quincy Jones told 
us we could never use phrases like “Let us 
stand together as опе” il one artist were 
performing the song. But when you've got 
45 of the strongest performers in the busi- 
ness, the body of sound and spirit lives up 
to the words. 
PLAYBOY: The song became a monster hit 
It also became a target for parody on Sat- 
urday Night Live. Did that bother you? 
RICHIE: I always trust success when 15 
jokes in five languages surface 


in four 
days. I think it’s a fabulous song consider- 
ing its purpose. But I understood the 
jokes. It's called burnout on the radio. But 
when I turned on my television set and 
watched people in. London, New York, 
L.A., Paris singing in the street—when I 
found out that jailed rebels in South 
Africa and South America were singing in 
their cells—how big a joke was this song? 
PLAYBOY: So why, despite your popularity, 


are some people so hard on you? 
RICHIE: Because who the hell wants to hear 
about a great dose of love? That's so ridic- 
ulous: People want to hear about beating 
people in the head and stabbing them in 
the back. And that’s not what I'm about 
A lot of people who write about me 
don’t give a damn about me. Even worse, 
they don't know what they're talking 
about. They'll say, 
guy; the music guy is sick.” Or “I was at 
the Springsteen concert last night; fabu- 
lous show—how does your music com- 
pare with his?” 
PLAYBOY: People on your stall have told us 
you would desperately like to have more of 
a Springsteen edge in your music. True? 
RICHIE: I hate They're great 
marketing tools—but they limit an 
I don't tell myself, “Pm a balladeer; 
keep composing ballads, because that's 
what I am.” That means I’m not testing 
myself. I 
slightly, but I can't go to a rocker and say, 
“Wi onc of 
wouldn't. be believable. I'm not going to 
lose the Гус built and say, 
"Ladies and gentlemen, on this album, 
Im doing my thing, and anyone who 
wants to come along—welcome.” Barbra 
Streisand did that a number of times and 
lost. ТЇЇ come out with three ballads every 
two усагв and hope the fans are happy 
PLAYBOY: You kecp a lot of fans happy, but 
some say that during your shows, your 


‘I'm really the sports 


categories 


do want to dirty up my music 


songs" —it 


c mc your 


audience 


A few drops of Tabasco’ sauce add a little flavor. A ж, of dropsadd a lot of life. 
So your condiments, entrees and side dishes will have a zest you just can't get from salt or black pepper. 


IT’S FOR MORE THAN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FOR. 


1987. TABA! 


O isa registered trademark of Mellhenny Company, Avery sland, Louisiana 70513. 


PLAYBOY 


52 


carly stuff—the Commodores material— 
really swings, while the later songs can 
seem, in the words of опе critic, 
“schmaltzy, TV-evangelist, calculated. 
trite sentimentality.” Sound familiar? 
RICHIE: Yup. I am not insulted. The one 
thing I know about the world is that 
everybody wants to feel they're hip, when 
actually, most of us aren't. There are only 
three or four hip capitals of the world: 
Paris, New York, London and, maybe, 
L.A. Now, try to write a song for those cit- 
ісе and you're going to bomb. That's 
called fad. For ten years, Willie Nelson 
and Kenny Rogers have come out as top 
vocalists in listeners’ polls—not Mr. Mis- 
ter, Prince or Michael Jackson. Why? 
Because Nelson and Rogers represent the 
world between New York and L.A. 
They're not hip. They don't know any- 
thing about hip. But they understand 
words: Johnny Paycheck sings “Take this 
job and shove it." Jackie DeShannon sings 
“Рига little love in your heart.” And the au- 
dience reacts, “Yeah, that's how I feel” 
PLAYBOY: But is audience draw equivalent 
to artistic success? Porky's and Friday the 
13th were popular, too. 

RICHIE: I know exactly what you're saying 
and I’m not going to psych it out, nor tell 
you that Pm looking at my career with 
rose-colored glasses. But after an evening 
of Truly, Lady, Three Times a Lady, pcople 
arc jumping out of their scats. When I say 
I'm going for some edge, I don't mean I'm 
taking apart the Lionel Richie everybody 
knows; I’m just going to test the waters. 
PLAYBOY: Where do you draw the linc 
when testing new waters? 

RICHIE: You have to Бс open-minded. The 
punk groups only look punk—it’s not real. 
When I was a kid, I once turned on the 
television to watch a press conference with 
а "wild sex-maniac fanatic" named Elvis 
Presley, who sang black music. The lower 
part of Elvis’ body was out of control. Ten 
years later, Tom Jones was worse, or bet- 
ter, and he got a television show by doing 
it. 

PLAYBOY: Do you like hard-core punk? 
RICHIE: Some of the groups are a little bit 
ridiculous, but I won’t call names. How- 
ever, when a singer says fuck on the 
stage—I mean, give my imagination a 
break; let's bring in some old good taste. 
Let me at least fantasize a little bit 
PLAYBOY: Do you worry about not sceming 
hip enough? 

RICHIE: I don't give a crap. What is hip? 
Success means more to me than hip. Suc- 
cess means selling 20,000,000 albums and 
filling 20,000-seat coliseums. I’m into total 
masses of people. 1 want as many people to 
hear my music as possible. 

PLAYBOY: You're a composer and a lyri- 
cist — 

RICHIE: Yes, but nof a trained musician. 
My grandmother's great frustration with 
mc was that I memorized piano music 
rather than read it—and I still don't read 
music. But I have a great car. When I lis- 
ten to an orchestrated song, I can hum all 


ы 


the parts. 

PLAYBOY: Wouldn't reading music or writ- 
ing it down be a useful tool in the studio? 
RICHIE: When | first got to California, I 
ran into a wonderful guy named Norman 
Whitield—he wrote Heard It Through the 
Grapevine and a lot of Temptations hits. I 
asked, “What music school did you grad- 
uate from?” He said, “I hum." That’s all 
I needed to hear. I asked Quincy [Jones] 
about reading music and he said, “After 
you retire, Lionel, after you retire. Right 
now, you're doing just fine." And my pro- 
ducer, James Anthony Carmichael, also 
told me not to worry about people who 
urged me to learn to read music: “Lionel, 
for every day they can read, they wish they 
could write.” 

PLAYBOY: How do you compose? 

RICHIE: One of two ways: Either ГЇЇ just 
start singing melodies and keep my tape 
recorder in the car or studio running until 
I hum something I like or I'll sit down at 
the pianoand “Say you, say me” or “Easy 
like Sunday morning” will come right out 
of my mouth. It comes out all in one 
breath, without my consciously thinking 
of it or planning it. This is a blessing, 
because I'm not trying. I asked Kareem 


throw it down there, man." I asked O. J. 
Simpson, “How do you run from goal post 
to goal post?” He said, “I just start run- 
ning." I start with the hook. 

PLAYBOY: А hook? You mean like “АП 
night long"? 

RICHIE: Yeah. When people listen to All 
Night Long, they can’t recite the verses, 
but they can remember “All night long.” 
In order to create a best seller, you've got 
to have a hook. It didn’t take me years of 
theorizing to learn that 

PLAYBOY: Arc you as good a singer as you 
are a composer? 

RICHIE: I'm not a singer, I’m a stylist, 
whereas Streisand is both. But I do know 
how to make my songs sound believable. 1 
know how to sell my voice. But if I got up 
and stood next to a singer-singer, he'd 
blow me off the stage. I love what Kenny 
[Rogers] told me the first time I walked 
into a recording studio with him, to record 
Lady: “Um not a singer. 1 just know how 
to make what I do sell.” That's really all 
that matters. 

PLAYBOY: Then you're а businessman- 
singer? 

RICHIE: No, I'm a pulling-off-what-you- 
can-do singer. My belief is that what 
makes a person great is knowing his short- 
comings as well as his strengths. When 1 
recorded All Night Long, I loved playing 
that character, though Pm not Jamaican. 
It gave me a chance to be somebody else, 
and that's fun to me. Lionel Richic singing 
his song with a calypso flavor is one thing, 
but singing a calypso song with a calypso 
accent? That could have backfired. 
PLAYBOY: Still, some think you play it 
safe. 
RICHI 


If you don't think bringing out a 


HOW 
| 
WORKS 


With traffic radar and Rashid VRSS both trans- 
mitting on the same frequency (24150 GHz), 
normal receiver technology can't tell one from 
the other. Even when you scrutinize К band with 
а digital spectrum analyzer, the two signals look 
alike (Figure 1). 

We needed a difference, even a subtle one, 
the electronic equivalent of 2 human fingerprint. 
Magnifying the scale 100 limes was the key 
(Figure 2). The Rashid signal then looks like two 
separate traffic radars spaced slightly apart in 
frequency, each being switched on and off several 
thousand times a second. 


Resisting the easy answer 

Knowing this "fingerprint; it would have 
been possible—although not easy—to design a 
Rashid-recognizer circuit, and have it disable the 
detector's warning section whenever it spotted a 
Rashid. 

Only one problem. Wilh this system, you. 
wouldn't gel a 
warning if radar 
were ever operat- 
ing in the same 
vicinity as Ihe 
Rashid. Statisti- 
сайу this would 
be a rare situation. 

But our engineers 
have no interest in fe ma masou! sa, 
99 percent solutions. 

When the going gets tough... 

The task then became monumental. We 
couldn't rely on a circuit that would disregard 
‘two K band signals close together, because they 
might be two radars. We couldn't ignore rapidly. 
‘switched K band signals, because that would di- 
minish protection on pulsed radar (ће КАТ!) and. 
“instanton” 

A whole new deal 

The correct answer requires some pretty 
amazing “signal processing” to use the engi- 
neering term. The techniques are too complex 
to go into here, but as an analogy of the 50- 
phistication, imagine going to a family reunion 
with 4.3 million attendees, and being able 10 find 
your brother in about a tenth of a second. 

Easy to say, but so hard to accomplish that 
ош AFR (Altemating Frequency Rejection) cir- 
cuitry couldn't be an add on. It had to be inte- 
grated into the basic detection scheme, which 
means extensive circuitry changes. And more 
paperwork for our patent department. 


Radar warn 


|. 


ing breakthrough #4 


is now available from the same engineers 
who made #1, #2, and #3 


Ваа news for radar detectors. The FCC (Federal 
Communications Commission) has cleared the 
Rashid VRSS for operation on K band. 


What's a Rashid VRSS? 

Тһе Rashid VRSS isa collision warning 5у5 
tem using a radar beam to scan the vehicle's 
path, much as a blind person uses a cane. It 
may reduce accidents, which is very good news? 


Now for the bad news 

Unfortunately, the Rashid transmits on К 
band, which is one of the frequencies assigned 
to traffic radar. Rashid speaks a radar detec 
tor's language. you might say, and it can set 
off detectors over a mile away. 

Faced with this problem. we could hope 
Rashid installations will be few. Or we could in 
vent a solution. 


Opportunity knocking 

Actually, the choice was easier than it 
sounds, because cur engineers are in the habit 
of inventing remarkable solutions. In fact, in the 
history of radar detection, only three advance- 
ments have qualified as genuine breakthroughs, 
and all three came from our engineers. 

Back in 1978, they were first to adapt dual 
band superheterodyne technology to the prob- 
lem of traffic radar. The result was ESCORT, 
now legendary for its performance. 

In 1983, when a deluge of cheap imported 
detectors was found to be transmitting on radar 
frequency, our engineers came through again, 
this time with ST/0/P", a sophisticated circuit 
that could weed out these phony signals before 
they triggered an alarm. 

Then іп 19B4. using SMDs (Surface 
Mounted Devices), micro-electronics originally 
intended for satellites, these same engineers 
designed the smallest detector ever. The result 
was PASSPORT, renowned for its convenience. 


жог more information on Rashid VRSS collision warning, 
system, see Popular Science, January 1986. 


They sald It couldn't ba done 

Now we're introducing breakthrough num- 
ber four. In their cleverest innovation yet, our 
engineers have found a way to distinguish 
Rashid from all other K band signals. It's the 
electronic equivalent of finding the needle їп а 
haystack. The AFR” (Alternating Frequency Re- 
jection) circuit isolates and neutralizes all 
Rashid signals, yet leaves the radar detection 
capability undiminished for your protection. 


No walting for the good stuff 
When testing proved that AFR was 100 
percent effective, we immediately incorporated 
it into ESCORT and PASSPORT. Our policy is to 
make running changes—not model changes— 
whenever a refinement is ready. That way our 
customers always get the latest science. 


RADAR RASHID 
Figure 1: А digital spectrum analyzer scanning the entire width 
of K band can't see the difference between radar and Rashid. 


سس 


AFR is fully automatic. There are no extra 
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PLAYBOY 


song called Three Times a Lady in the mid- 
dle of the disco craze was taking a chance, 
think about it. Or let's talk about Kenny 
Rogers’ and Lionel Richie's getting 
together on Lady—that was quite ап odd 
couple. I like stretching, though it's not 
good for your stomach. 

PLAYBOY: Are your songs autobiographical 
or just plain fantasies? 

RICHIE: І don't live half the stories I write 
about, nor am I this wise owl that sits up 
on a hill. m just an observant person 
who walks through life. 

I start with my friends. Still is about a 
couple in Houston I happen to love very, 
very much. We were classmates at Tuske- 
gee; they married and, years later, decided 
to divorce. When they split, 1 couldn't 
believe it. I said, “What are you talking 
about?” And they said, “Well, we've been 
fighting like cats and dogs, everything 
we've done is wrong and we realize we 
made a mistake: Marriage is not for us. 


But we love cach other—still” End of 


story. Inspiration can take exactly five 
seconds. 

PLAYBOY: In onc interview, you said, “My 
co-writer is God.” How literally did you 
mean that? 

RICHIE: I get chills thinking about that 
quote, but, yes, I said it. I'm not a fanati- 
cally religious person. After being an altar 
boy for seven years, I elected to kecp going 
to church. Every Saturday, I'd show up 
for one hour of acolyte practice; afterward, 
I'd play ping-pong with Father Vernon 
Jones, who turned religion into recreation. 
He was the best ping-pong player in town, 
and he taught me every bit of religion I 
needed across the table. 

When I write, I prefer to say I'm sur- 
rounded by guardian angels— people like 
Benny Ashburn, James Carmichael and 
Brenda. 

PLAYBOY: You make composing sound very 
easy. Are there down days? 

Laughs] Not everything that Lio- 
¡chic writes is gold. For every good 
song, there аге 20 that arc pure crap. I 
throw them away 

PLAYBOY: Whom do you go to when you're 
stuck? 

RICHIE: To James or Quincy. my musical 
foundation. They've both mastered the 
music and spcak to тс in a simple form I 
can understand. I’m not embarrassed to 
say lm having a problem, and I know that 
their advice works. Quincy inspires me as 
an all-round musician-producer. He's just 
a nasty musician—a killer cat on Өч 
level. When it comes down to arranging, 
composing and conducting, he can't be 
beat. But most of it's up to me: I work 
from one o'clock to five in the morning 
every day. I stay in my studio or drive 
around and I сап be me. At home, I need 
a room no one will touch. If the studio 
needs cleaning, I'll do it; if it needs vacu- 
uming, I'll push it. Nobody touches this 
room. I’m a gypsy, and I'm the only one 
who has a key. Brenda can come in. 
PLAYBOY: Brenda has a duplicate key? 


RICHIE: No, you didn’t hear what I said. 
This is my house. Right here. Really off 
limits. She respects it, and anybody can 
walk in if I'm crazy enough to leave the 
door open. But I need to know there’s one 
place where I can drop tapes, hide things 
in the drawers and not worry. I don’t want 
interior decorators or stylists in this room. 
There's nothing here but what I need to 
pull off what I do. This is my sanctuary. 
It’s very selfish, but I'm the recognized 
guy living with this strange animal called 
fame. It's a long way from Tuskegee. 
PLAYBOY: You hardly suffered there, did 
you? 

RICHIE: Deprived was definitely not the 
word. In the Fifties, there were three 
places in the South affluent blacks gath- 
ered: Nashville, close to Fisk University, 
Atlanta and Tuskegee—a self-sufficient, 
self-supporting black community. a nov- 
elty in the middle of the black belt. Inte- 
gration may not have existed anywhere 
else in the South, but in those communi- 
ties, you could find a host of black doc- 
tors, lawyers, politicians, scientists and 


“Му dad always told me, 
"Aptitude plus attitude 
equals altitude,’ which 

is absolutely true." 


professors—who were considered the elite 
of the community. They may have made 
only $5000 a year, but a black professor 
had a car and a home, and he was the 
socialite of the campus. Those people were 
my family’s friends. I was taught you can 
be anything you want to be—no limita- 
tions. Just go for it. 
PLAYBOY: So racism didn't play a very hig 
part in your childhood. 
RICHIE: I didn't inherit racist complexes. 
Mostly, what you still get in the world is 
“You better watch out for those black peo- 
ple, because they're violent." Hatred isn't 
inborn—it’s taught. My parents never 
told me, “We hate Jewish people" or “АП 
white people are bad." They never sold 
that crap to me. 
PLAYBOY: Were your parents strict with 
ou? 
RICHIE: [Laughs] 1 could get four whip- 
pings before I got home to get one from 
my father, because I hada ton of love from 
у of folks who cared about me. 
I hated school. In fourth grade, I was 
learning Latin and French—because Tus- 
kegee teachers were trying to create 
superkids. But I was the kid who said, “I 
don’t want to learn that crap.” I wanted 
to go out and play. 
PLAYBOY: You use this line in one of your 
album ads: “I love going back to Tuske- 
gee, because the only Mr. Richie there із 


my father.” What did you learn from 
him? 

RICHIE: Dad had a wonderful habit of talk- 
ing to everybody the same way. A brief- 
case and a three-piece suit didn't impress 
him. “The guy with the mop may haye the 
answer you need,” my father told me, 
“but if you're holding your head too high, 
you're going to miss what he’s say 

The second thing I got from him was 
the ability to laugh in the face of disaster. 
Although he wound up a systems analyst 
for the Army, he came from humble 
beginnings and never had much money. 
So he didn’t dwell on materi ic things. 
He sold me heart and didn't spoil 
me. Every time I said, “Dad, I need this,” 
he answered, “Son, let me tell you about 
not having a suit until “ Or “Dad, Га 
like to borrow the саг”; “Son, let me tell 
you about the time I used to walk.” 

My dad always told me, “Aptitude plus 
attitude equals altitude,” which is abso- 
lutely true. You can have the greatest per- 
sonality and no brains or be a total asshole 
but a genius. 

PLAYBOY: Did Tuskcgee’s elitist cnviron- 
ment shield you from racism? 
RICHIE: Absolutcly. I even went to a spe- 
cial elementary school sponsored by the 
college and attended by all the sons and 
daughters of the professors. 1 was totally 
insulated. 
PLAYBOY: So even though you spent your 
childhood in Alabama, you never wit- 
nessed or experienced blatant racism? 
RICHIE: Nobody threw a rock at me and 
called me nigger. Never. So I never felt the 
bitterness and the anger. But 1 remember 
driving from Detroit to Tuskegee and say- 
ing to my dad, “Lets stop off at a hotel,” 
and he told me we'd have to make it to 
Nashville first. 1 couldn't understand why 
and he wouldn't tell me—just “It's the 
best hotel for us,” and that was all. Thank 
God I missed the hate, the anger and frus- 
tration and moved on. I got the experience 
secondhand, but / never suflered. And 
missing it had a great deal to do with the 
way I approached my music. I was 
ng to Bach, Beethoven and Chopi 
day. 
PLAYBOY: This relatively privileged exist- 
ence must have irritated some of your less- 
than-fortunate colleagues later on. 
RICHIE: Damn right. I was once on a plane 
with Count Basic, returning from Japan, 
and I tried to identify with him. I said, 
“You know, Count, the business is hard. 
We travel so much da, da, da." He 
looked at me and s; “Lionel, you don’t 
even know what struggle is about. At least 
you come in the front door and get paid 
after you're finished playing. At least the 
black bandleader doesn't sleep on the bus 
and have his meals sent down to him there 
le the white boys in the band slecp in 
hotel” That was a lesson, an era 1 
‚ an era that Quincy Jones and 
ton told me about—but cats 
el Jackson and me knew noth- 
ing about it. 


PLAYBOY: Do you feel alienated from the 
black experience? 

RICHIE: That question makes me angry 
Heavy white acts, like the Beatles, said 
they patterned their music after Muddy 
Waters and Chuck Berry—black R&B 
artists. The Stones have said the same— 
and not one interviewer asked them ifthey 
were leaving their roots. The passage of 
time has created a new breed of black 
guys, though everything isn't perfect for 
them. It's not perfect for me. 

In my early years with the Commo- 
dores, what I didn't know about racism 
didn't kill me, because my naïveté and 
ignorance got me farther upstream. I 
didn't approach getting ahead in the 
music business out of militancy; I wasn’t 
interested in making any social statement 
I thought, You sit down, you write a song, 
the record companies say "Great" and 
you're a hit. And that's it. 

PLAYBOY: It didn't work that way, did it? 
RICHIE: Nope. 1 discovered the world of 
categories —a quiet, subtle form of racism. 
Why is it that the Temptations could sell 
2,000,000 albums, the Grand Funk Rail- 
road the same—but the Grand Funk 
played Shea Stadium and the Temptations 
at club? 

In the Seventies, the Commodores 
couldn't get into that white marker. ГИ 
never forget 1969. We took a song to a pop 
radio station in Baltimore. The program 
director, who happened to be a woman, 
told us, “Sorry. I can't play this record, 
because it's too black.” Reality hit me in 
the face. What does that mean? The nerve 
of that bitch, How can you look at six 
black men, make that statement with a 
straight face and not even turn red doing 
it? I felt more embarrassed than she did 
PLAYBOY: Only embarrassed? 

RICHIE: I was furious. I wanted to curse 
her out—but it’s not the thing to do. I 
decided to kill her with a good dose of the 
truth; i.e., prove her wrong, which is 
exactly what we did. That one lady got me 
off my behind to work harder. I asked 
myself, “How can we, the Commodores, 
make a difference?” You know what? We 
didn't adjust our music one iota. We hit 
stations with Machine Gun, and then with 
Brick House—both of which went gold. I 
went back to Baltimore and asked the 
same woman, “Is this white enough?” 
The third time I visited, she wasn’t at the 
station anymore. 

PLAYBOY: Did the Commodores want to be 
a star band? 

RICHIE: We'd listen to groups that had 
made it and say: “We could do that; that's 
no problem." 

PLAYBOY: But you weren't trained musi- 
cians. 

RICHIE: God, no. At the beginning, the 
thing that kept us rock-'n'-rollin' was the 
fact that none of us—except for our drum- 
тег, Walter Orange—was a music major. 
We were six guys crammed into a Chevy 


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PLAYBOY 


van—piled high with equipment and a 
few mattresscs—who approached the 
music business as something we'd do for a 
while belore going our separate ways as 
architects, engincers and business majors. 
I was considered the horn holder, and 
the joke of the group was that 1 carried my 
sax around campus in order to learn how 
to play it. It wasn't until two years into the 
Commodores that they found out I was 
doing a real good job of faking it. Wer 
а good sound together, but we weren't 
Killer musicians. 
PLAYBOY: What made you begin to take the 
Commodores seriously? 
RICHIE: Money. When we broke into the 
big time by opening for the Jackson 5, we 
watched Michael and his brothers walk 
ош onto the stage of Madison Square Gar- 
den, and they played about an hour and 
were paid $70,000. We traveled with the 
Jackson 5 for almost three years and, in 
1971, Motown heard us in Detroit and 
signed us to a long-standing contract. 
PLAYBOY: During those carly years, what 
kind of a guy was Michael Jackson? 
RICHIE: We're talking about a little kid who 
loved to knock on the door, holler for help. 
and throw a trash can of ice-cold water on 
you at seven лм. He was also an isolated 
little kid, because he'd given up the sand- 
box too soon—nine ycars old and he had a 
hit record. So he missed everything, 
because all he'd ever heard were warn- 
ings: Herc come the girls, watch out; here 
come the fans, watch out; here come the 
reporters, watch out. So he's been watch- 
ing out for 20 years! 
PLAYBOY: And? 
nd I watched fame slam a door 
on his existence. Recovering from Ше pub- 
li blitz of Thriller was tough— 
38,500,000 records, the covers of Time, 
Newsweek, People 
him, his glove, jackets, pants 
wear being duplicated. It can dri 


nd under- 
ге you 


nuts. I think that his closest link to reality 
is that he's trying lo come out. 


ame fright- 
cns n to death, but he's survived. The 
Michael Jackson I know—not the person 
the world knows—is a really beautiful cat. 
He's trying his best to stay real in an 
unreal situation. 
PLAYBOY: But the breathy voice, the make- 
up, plastic surgery, retreats to Di 
and а menagerie of house pets 
really the way to touch down in the real 
world? 
RICHIE: That’s his voice. He's not putting it 
on. He's got to find his space. I think he's 
just built a world that's comfortable for 
him—something he can survive іп, 
though PH tell you that he's the prac- 
tical joker I knew. He entertains practi- 
cally every evening. Sereens movies at 
house or goes out to the movies with a 
team of people: Um not talking about 
security; lm talking about friends. That 
bout 
beth Taylor, М.Ј. and I 
went out to dinner, and I couldn't believe 
the chemistry between Elizabeth and 


Rolling Stone; dolls of 


Michacl—the best Га ever seen. Because 
she was also a child star, Elizabeth could 
relate to him, and they talked about isola- 
tion and what you do when you're lonely. 
It was good for Michael to hear that 
Elizabeth often went out of the house with- 
out security guards. Тһе idea that you 
could live without them was a revelation 
to him. 

PLAYBOY: So you were touring with the 
Commodores and things were looking 
pretty good. Did you sce yourself as а 
composer back then? 

RICHIE: No, no, no. I didn't know anything 
about being a writer. I was still the great 
horn holder and singing two songs a 
45-minute show. The turning point for me 
came in 1974, when the Commodores had 
their first hit, Machine Gun. Milan Wil- 
liams, who wrote the song, received a 
check for $35.000! Now, the rest of us were 
ing around making $150 to $200 a 
which was pretty good money for 
college guys—but that $35,000 gave me 
all the incentive I needed to be a com- 
poser. I said to myself, "Wait a minute: 
there's a market and a profit here.” So 
1975, I wrote This Is Your Life, the first 


“The Michael Jackson I 
know—not the person the 
world knows—is a really 
beautiful cat. He’s trying 

his best to stay real.” 


song I ever composed. And a few years 
later, Easy, my first gold. I had no idea I 
could write! 

PLAYBOY: What inspired you? 

RICHIE: Money. Remember, now: I was the 
kid who was too slow for baseball, too 
short for basketball, too slow for track, too 
light for football—and I wasn't the 
world’s greatest lover. So here was some- 
thing I could do. | suddenly felt good 
about myself, and my confidence level 
rose. Every song I wrote—Just to Be Close 
to You, Sail On, Easy, Three Times a Lady— 
tapped more and more of my insides. 
Writing was like therapy. Suddenly, 1 
wasn't shy about spilling my guts to peo- 
ple in songs—though I wouldn't tell them 
what I was feeling face to face. 

PLAYBOY: Were the Commodores suppor- 
tive of you as a composer? 

RICHIE: Absolutely. at least at the begin- 
ning. Every time I wrote something that 
was successful, they'd say, “There you go, 
Lionel. Do a 
PLAYBOY: According to the manager of the 
Commodores, by 1981, the group wa 
begging you to leave. You were agreeing to 
concert dates and recordings and then 
canceling. You were “fucking them up” 
endlessly and they wanted you out. Is that 
how it was? 


RICHIE: They didn't beg me to leave—I 
left. That was a real love-hate wrestling 
match. | was looking desperately for 
acceptance from the group. Imagine: We 
started out as equal partners—$100 а 
man per week. I was the last one you'd 
expect to succeed; I was the guy who 
ironed the shirts and uniforms—the joke- 
ster. But as my ballads became more pop- 
ular, we began to fight. The group would 
say, “We don't want your song.” It hap- 
pened with Lady. By then, the anger had 
built up in me; we weren't speaking, and I 
thought, You don't want it? Fuck you. 
Well, here we go, Kenny Rogers. 
PLAYBOY: But you'd been together 15 
years. Wasn't there some way to talk with 
them, to reconcile? 

RICHIE: I didn’t know what to do. І ago- 
nized for months over giving away Lady, 
but after 15 years of playing on the team, I 
didn't think I had to prove I was one of 
the guys. 

PLAYBOY: Next came Endless Love. 

RICHIE: A magical moment. Diana Ross 
had been a star when 1 was still in high 
school, and even though we had known 
each other in 1980, when we recorded the 
song, it wasn't until after the session that 
we really got to be friends. She loved the 
song. 1 couldn't go to New York and she 
couldn’t come to California. so we met in 
Reno at one aM. and by 4:30, we had his- 
tory on tape. 

PLAYBOY: What did it do for her career? 
RICHIE: I think it was her biggest hit and 
an all-ume record seller at Motown. 
PLAYBOY: And vour carcer? 

Well, Kenny Rogers’ singing Lady 
and telling everyone I wrote the song was 
the beginning for me; but there was rcally 
no face on the record. It was Kenny's all 
the way. But with Endless Lowe, 1 was on 
the screen, singing with Diana—the first 
time the public really got to see my face. 
People started to buzz, “Maybe he really 
will go solo.” 

PLAYBOY: What did the Commodores say? 
RICHIE: They said, “We do Commodore 
albums—not Diana Ross/Lionel Richie 
duct trips." It was a real fuck-you atmos- 
phere. I couldn't believe their pettiness. 1 
didn't realize that composing Lady and 
Endless Love was the best thing that could 
have happened for me. 

PLAYBOY: In terms of your becoming a solo 
artist? 

RICHIE: Yes, but at the time, I wasn't confi- 
dent about going solo. My God, the idea 
terrified me. I was petrified to stand out 
there and take the rap, all the criticism 
and flak. It was just so much easier to per- 
form as a group. So I told them I wasn't 
going anyplace. But they kept saying, 
“No, you're leaving: you're leaving any 
day now." 

PLAYBOY: What was the final straw? 
RICHIE: I couldn't take the pressure. The 
press would review the group and end up 
just writing about me. It was like pouring 
gasoline on a fire. I finally said. “Screw it 
Let it go." I remember standing up in a 


тоот one day with the Commodores and 
crying. I pleaded with them: “Guys, Pm 
not leaving." In fact, the rumors of my 
leaving weren't coming from me but from 
the Commodores themselves. They want 
ed me to get out but just didn't want to 
say it. That hurt mc a lot. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't any of them take your 
side? 

RICHIE: No. They were threatened, bottled 
up with their own frustrations and the 
fear of the unknown. What really got me 
was that | expected the fiber of love 
between us to surface—for someone to 
come to me and say, “I love you and I'm 
going to fight for you.” But I never got the 
phone call. The key word is loss 

PLAYBOY: What did Brenda say to you at 
the time? 

RICHIE: She was just trying to hold me 
together. She'd say, “I didn't get you into 
the Commodores, so I’m not going to be 
But the split came 


the one to get you out 
anyway 
PLAYBOY: Regrets? 
RICHIE: I don't blame those guys. We were 
all being petty, picking on one anothe 
When you spend 15 years waking up with 
the same guys and going to bed with them 
every night, it’s sad to lose them. To be 
honest with you, I miss them a lot. What 
makes groups so wonderful is that when 
you win, you know who's going to be at 
the party, and when you lose, you take 
heart. Gamaraderie. I's a cushion. Pm a 
group player. 
And don't listen to what people say 
about me nowadays. Lionel Richie did not 
make it by himself. ГЇЇ say that now. The 
Commodores are a part of me, and I lost 
them. 
PLAYBOY: In 1981, you chose Rogers’ man- 
ager, Ken Kragen, to launch your solo 
career. Why? 
RICHIE: Ken was brought up in Berke- 
ley, an environment as sheltered as 
Tuskegec—and he didn't know anything 
about the black community. It took me 
three months to give him а brief history of 
the black experience so he could under- 
stand that he couldn't manage me Kenny 
Rogers style. ] tried to explain to him that 
cert 
For example, when Richard Pryor or a 
black mayor would call Ken’s office to 
speak to me, Ken would automatically 
say, “Lionel's not available for comment; 
he'll get back to you.” In the black world, 
that means “Screw you!" Now we work 
together well. I don’t want a hip manager, 
a guy to sit down and say, “ОҚ, baby, I 
heard the record; it sounds great, but. 
No. Ken says, “You give me something to 
sell and ГИ sell it for vou." The creative 
part is mine. 
PLAYBOY: But didn’t Kragen face any 
obstacles in getting you crossed over from 
black to white airwave: 
RICHIE: No. I'd love to sit here and say we 
had the biggest strategy of my life and that 
Kragen masterminded my crossover. But 


n things are just not said or donc. 


that’s not how it happened. I walked in 
the door of Kragen & Company with End- 
less Love, 12 Grammy nominations, two 
American Music Awards and 15 years 
with the Gommodores. I was not Kenny 
Rogers, but I had some credentials, Still, 
nobody knew my face. 

PLAYBOY: Kragen certainly remedied that. 
RICHIE: Pepsi helped. “Do this commer- 
cial," he said. Pepsi is a hungry company. 
They said, “How would you like to be pre- 
sented?” How? At the end of every basket- 
ball game. At the end of every cartoon. At 
the end of every Saturday afternoon. What 
we had wasn’t a commercial but а glori 
fied video of Running with the Night. 


Instead of its running on MTV, we had it 
running on prime-time television. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever expect USA for 
Africa or the song We Are the World to 
become such mammoth successes? 

RICHIE: Never. | remember saying to 
Kragen, “This year, | want to get 
involved in a charity that will help Afri- 
cans who have nothing to eat. ГЇЇ write a 
Then I was talking with Quincy, 
and he said, “I was talking with Harry 
[Belafonte], and, you know, Michael 
would like 10 do something like that 

Next thing I knew, We Are the World 
PLAYBOY: What about the recording ses- 
оп sticks in your mind? 


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PLAYBOY 


RICHIE: I'l never forget standing at the stu- 
dio door and watching Diana Ross. 
Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Bob Dylan, 
pringsteen, Steve Perry, Hall ала 
Oates—everybody coming together. But 
suddenly Ray Charles walked in and all of 
us were in awe. Suddenly, we were null and 
void. It was also wonderful when two Ethi- 
opian ladies walked in and said, “Before 
you all get started, we want to thank you 
for saving our country.” That also put us 
in our place. 

PLAYBOY: There were also the Com- 
modores—personally invited by you but 
not in the actual recording studio. Why 

were they kept away from the micro- 
phones? 

RICHIE: My inviting the Commodores was 
sincere, but the doors were slammed after 
45 artists were in the studio. Remember 

now: There were two rooms; one had all 
the celebrities in ii—people like Sidney 
Poitier who weren't recording—and the 
other had the 45. I didn't have a lotof time 
to go out and find out what was happening 
with the Commodores. I'm sure they 
wanted to record with us, but the problem 
was, I couldn't get them in. 

PLAYBOY: You—who wrote the song and 
organized the session—couldn't get them 
in? 

RICHIE: Remember, now: Our reconcilia- 
tion hadn't yet started, and we weren't on 
the greatest of terms. So just saying, "Hey 
guys, Га like you to come down” felt a lit- 
tle awkward to me—because | didn’t 
now how they felt about me. But as far as 
my being in Ше best of their graces was 
concerned, I wasn't. I did the best I could 
under the circumstances. 

PLAYBOY: Quite a few egos were intermin- 
gling that night. Who impressed you as 
modest? 

RICHIE: Springstec 
That's because he 


. I dug him the most. 
5 business. | didn't have 
to worry about making him the prima 
donna. He came in the door and said, “I 
came here to do this. Just tell me where to 
go and I've got it, buddy. 

After it was all over, 1 was vacationing 
in Haw. nd Bruce was there оп 
to Australia for a tour. I called up 
said. “Hey, I'm here,” and we spent the 
afternoon hanging out, partying. He is so 
cool. We sat on the beach, just the two of 
us-—no guards, nothing. 


PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your physi- 
image. Has Kragen suggested any 
changes? 


RICHIE: No. His thing was simply "Let the 
people know who you ar 
PLAYBOY: Then why. in photos and videos 
since that time, docs it seem as if your skin 
tones have become lighter, your hair closer 
cropped? Even your music seems less 
funky. Do you agree? 

RICHIE: Absolutely. But loo! 


has never uttered a funky phrase in her 
whole с. and 1 name black clas- 
al conductors, like William L. Dawson, 


or ballet dancers; same thing. The point is, 
why, all of a sudden, when wc get down to 
rock-n'-roll or contemporary-music per- 
formers, do critics start talking about 
straight hair or white music? Is that all 
you expect from a black person? 

PLAYBOY: We're talking about image. 

RICHIE: Well, let me tell y The Afro is 
gone because I сап no longer maintain 
that much hair. But when I look back at 
pictures taken with ıhe Commodores, I see 
the greatest-looking cat in the whole 
world. Everybody had Afros out to here— 
and if you had five cats in a car, that маза 
real crowd. Everybody walked down the 
street in those dancin’ platform shoes 
Now when I think about it, I say, “Му 
God. how could I have looked like that?” 
Nowadays, 1 сап experiment as a solo рег- 
former: I like the idea of being uptown, 
downtown and in between. 

PLAYBOY: Docs Kragen call the shots? 
RICHIE: Show me a great army and ГЇЇ 
show you a great general. Although 
Brenda is my rock, when it comes 10 man- 
agement, Kragen is wonderful. I mcan, 
this guy can build you up and make you 
feel like you're going to take over the 
world. You have to be pumped up when 
2.6 billion people are watching, and after a 
coaching session with him, it's “Thank 
you very much, Kragen; I'm ready to go.” 
In fact, after three years, I went into his 
office and said, “I think you can slow 
down now.” Fame is an amazing thing; it 
n drive you nuts. Final conclusion: He's 
done a great job. 

PLAYBOY: Then why, last February, at the 
height of your record-and-ticket-selling 
power, did Kragen virtually fire you? 
RICHIE: How do I say it kindly? Ken was 
bottled up with creative frustration and 
wanted something meaningful to do with 
his life. Hands Across America was it. He 
wanted to make a statement, so I said, 
“Fine; go ahead and do it. 
PLAYBOY: What did he do? 
RICHIE: He made опе of the greatest errors 
of his life, called memo off my desk. He 
began by announcing to the L.A. Times 
that the two of us were going our separate 
ways. He told me, “Lionel, I can’t handle 
the work load that you and Kenny bring 
in,” and he didn’t want to jeopardize my 
career by committing himself so fully (0 
Hands. 

PLAYBOY: He fired a third of his creative 
department, didn’t he? 

RICHIE: That’s right. He panicked. I won't 
use the word maniac, but it takes sizable 
balls—chutzpah—to put your ass on the 
line. He could allord to do it thanks to me. 
I even appreciated his being up front 
Most cats hustle you for cash—but he 
n't coming from that angle. Still, I told 
him, “Ken, Hands is a charity, which 
means it’s going to happen and going to 
end May 25, 1986, You don’t have to make 
this decision.” But he said, “Goodbye, 
Lionel. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't that a bit like the serv: 
firing the king 


RICHIE: I you're not used to thc spotlight 
shining in your face, it will affect you in 
strange ways. Right alter the announce- 
ment, he regretted it, called mc up and 
said, *My God, what happened?" 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you consider finding 
another manager? 
RICHIE: I never thought for а moment that 
Ken wasn't coming back to me. Гуе seen 
lawyers handle major clients who are used 
to telling them, “Fuck you." They don't 
expect to lose those clients—until they do. 


They don't realize that their power is in 
who they're managing. 

PLAYBOY: How did you patch up the rela- 
tionship? 


аз a very simple phone call. Не 
k we can work some- 
“Fine.” 


thing ош?” I said, * 
PLAYBOY: ҮҮ hat did you work ош? 


alled business as 
usual. 1 dreaded the idea of starting over 
again and learning about a new manager 
We had just spent three ycars ironing out 
kinks, 

PLAYBOY: Alter Can't Slow Dewn—a title 
that pretty much sums up your career—it 
took you three years to come out with 
Dancing on the Geiling, and even that was 
eight months late. What happened? 
RICHIE: It’s called fame. 1 told Motown, “I 
didn’t promise you speed, I promised you 
quality.” But Motown doesn’t under- 
stand. And it isn't getting any саѕісг. I'm 
becoming a world entity: A tour no longer 
means three months on the road from New 
York to L.A.—it means Japan, Australia 
and Europe. too. 

PLAYBOY: But when vou're not being an 
entity, you're known to be a pretty shy 
guy 

RICHIE: 1 used to be painfully shy, and 
audiences frightened me. Then, about ten 
years ago, a wonderful thing happened i 
Washington, D.C. As I went out on stage, 
I could practically hear my heart beat- 
ing when I held the microphone close 
enough tomy chest. Then a girl screamed, 
Sing it, Lionel!” Then somebody else 
screamed. Then everybody started in. I 
realized, “They like what I'm doing. They 
like me 
PLAYBOY: Aren't th ights when 
don’t feel like performing? 

RICHIE: Many a night. But there's some- 
thing about a coliseum packed with 20,000 
people that gets you in the mood. I'm still 
a shy guy until the lights come on. The 
fool—a 37-year-old kid. 


you just 


Pm a total d. 
having recess. 

PLAYBOY: How about all those women who 
would like to come up onto the stage? 
What docs that do to you? 

RICHIE: Oh, God. Man. 1 laugh at me 
PLAYBOY: Do you think 

RICHIE: No, по, по--//еу do. Thats why I 
keep laughing. I don't see myself li 
at all. I don't think Pm good-looking. In 
fact, I can't deal with looking at publici 
pictures of myself. There's something 
lens that scares the shit out of 
me. I have to leave the room. I sec things 


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62 


that other people don't sec, like, “My 
God, the cyebrows—they shouldn't be so 
low." 

PLAYBOY: Why do you think women find 
you sexy? 

RICHIE: There аге two kinds of guys: the 
hulk hunk, like Sylvester Stallone or Tom 
Песк, and the Woody Allen type—the 
average guy with some personality and 
wit. Thats ше. I was the guy who 
couldn't tell a girl face to face I loved her. 
In high school, I was out of it. I would 
have loved to be the lover of life back then, 
but it was slow motion. I was awkward— 
just couldn't figure out a formula that 


worked. But about my junior or senior 
year, it started clicking. 
PLAYBOY: Was part of the click losing your 


virginity? 
RICHIE: It was called “This is what the 
talk about . . . this is the аһа... yes.” I 
guess I was expecting The Star-Spangled 
Banner to break out—which it didn't— 
but it was close enough. I was 17. 
PLAYBOY: Nowadays, that would be consid- 
егесі slow, wouldn't it? 

RICHIE: “Chats called real slow now. But I 
remember walking around the next day 
saying, “I gotta try that one more time” 
My God, I didn’t know what I was feeling, 
other than “Hallelujah, here we go!” 
"That's why I got into the music business. 
in the first place. Forget the money. OK? 
When I played the saxophone on the * 
Керсе campus, guess what was in the audi 
ence. Girls. After three hours of playing 
the top-ten songs, all 1 had to say was 
“н” 

PLAYBOY: So you were a wil 
lege. 

RICHIE: I was a wild and crazy man when it 
ате to parties and hanging out, but for- 
get the crap about “the lover." The Com- 
modores nicknamed me “Holdin' hands, 
in’ all kinds of plans,” because 
me on back to my hotel room" were 
words that wouldn't come out of my 
mouth. But all I had to do was sing three 
notes and women were suddenly drop, 
their skirts. 

PLAYBOY: Were you tempted to partake оГ 
all this? 

RICHIE: I burned out on it. I lized that 
there were real-life things called paternity 
suits. I was horny all day long but usually 
went back to my room alone. 

PLAYBOY: So, nowadays, when women in 


Id man in col- 


your audiences throw themselves at 
you: 
RICHIE: I absorb it. I don't deny it. 1 take it 


n, because it’s a wonderful feeling to be 
loved. On the stage, it’s like making love 
to 20,000 people. 

PLAYBOY: What if a woman wants to go 
backsta; 


hen she's in trouble, because І go 
out the back door. There's only one of me, 
and Гуе already gone through the period 
when I wanted to make love to the whole 
world. 

PLAYBOY: Arc you a romantic? 

RICHIE: I'm a hopeless romantic. Гт a 


belicver that man has the capacity to love 
more than just once, One of the reasons 
I'm so successful is that Гус been loved by 
so many ladies in my life: my mom, my 
grandmother, my sister. 

PLAYBOY: What about your wife? 

RICHIE: I've been married 11 years, and 
Гуе found that romance comes down to 
some very simple qualities: You find the 
person who knocks your socks off and, ide- 
ally, the relationship builds. Brenda was a 
freshman at Tuskegee, a majorette, when 
we met, and I was a senior, playing the 
opening act at track meets with the Com- 
modores. Brenda was Miss Prude. It's 
called come up with some meaningful dia- 
log. She didn't fall for that “Oh, baby!" 
crap. She had the ability to be playful vet 
serious, too. When her mind got locked on 
to something, you could forget it. Stub- 
born. Virgo. A real systems person. 
PLAYBOY: But you eventually got married, 
and the relationship has not сеп without 
its problems. In My Love, you write, “Life 
with me, I know for sure it ain't been 
casy / But you stayed with me anyway. 
Just how hard has it been for Brenda to 
stay with you? 

RICHIE: Weve weathered the ups and 
downs. My Love was a very personal state- 
ment lor me. For the first six years of our 
marriage, I woke up every morning with 
Brenda and asked her, “You sure you 
want to try this again?” 

PLAYBOY: What was the biggest problem? 
RICHIE: The newness of the temptations of 
ladies, the temptations of money, the 
temptations of travel. All of a sudden, I 
was making an outrageous amount of 
money and was traveling two or three 
wecks at a time. I was facing aggressive 
women. I would say, “I'm sorry, but Pm 
married," and they would say, “ОК, 
excuse me; I didn't know.” But soon they 
began asking me, “Is she here?” It wasnt 
easy to be that adored on stage. But that's. 
over; Brenda and I are through wrestling 
with each other. She knows that wherever 
Lam, ГИ be home at six. 
PLAYBOY: Is your understanding of mar- 
riage one of total fidelity? 

RICHIE: That's asking a lot. I was brought 
up the old-fashioned way: There is a wile 
nd there is a ton of respect, and it worl 
for me not to disrupt that, My lawyer once 
told me, "You could not only lose your. 
marriage, you could lose your mone) 


100." Divorce is expensive. That's all I 
need to hear: Um the original Jack 
Benny! 

PLAYBOY: So you're the monogamous 
type. 

RICHIE: If'] said to you that for 11 years I'd 


been the saint oflife, it would be a lie. But 
I try to keep it that way; I really try des- 
perately to kecp it on that level. 

PLAYBOY: OK, how do you keep your sex 
life fresh? 

RICHIE: If you asked my wife, she'd say, 
“Fresh?” [Laughs] It’s been good with us 
because Brenda and I have managed to 
laugh in bed, and 1 sometimes use fanta- 


sies to inspire me. The saving grace is that 
Шеге no pressure to perform. I can't 
imagine getting into bed and suddenly 
being this stud. | go in and say, “No rules, 
no regulations; we're going to enjoy each 
other.” Conversation is so important. 
Right in the middle of something “seri- 
ous," ГЇЇ crack a joke because Brenda's 
feet are cold. Those spontaneous moments 
take the pressure off me. 

PLAYBOY: Brenda has a reputation for 
being a tough businesswoman—and 
many say she wears the pants. True? 
RICHIE: In order for me to be the creative 
person that I am, Brenda deals with the 
business. Shell sit through four-hour 
mectings and bring information back to 
me. Іп order for me to turn my back and 
say, “I am now going to devote six months 
to creating an album and I'm not going to 
worry about the house, cars, anythin 
else,” I have to know I have a partnership. 
with Brenda. What makes this marriage 
work isn't only love or sex. I need some- 
body called partner. 

PLAYBOY: Does she protect the family 
purse? 

RICHIE: Absolutely. Point-blank. She gets 
livid when a guy says, “I'll be glad to do 
your gardening for $1000 a week.” That's 
ridiculous. 

PLAYBOY: According to someone who's 
close to the Commodores, “Brenda can be 
а real bitch" to those around you. Truc? 
RICHIE: I say great! Brenda doesn’t take 
any shit from anybody. In order for me to 
be the nice guy, she has to be the heavy. 
When I walk into a room. everybody 
smiles. They don’t smile at her. Nine 
times out of ten, they don't know who she 
is—she blends in. People have the chance 
to put their foot in their mouth—to spend 
the cntire evening talking about what they 
don’t like about Lionel Richic—and later 
wonder, Who was she? When they find 
out, it’s “Oh, my God.” 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever play the star, even in 
your own home. and expect to be attended 
to hand and foot? 

RICHIE: In my house, Um Skeet—the kid 
Brenda marricd in college. The one thing 
she will not tolerate from me, the onc 
thing I won't tolerate. from her, is the 
drama of “ta-da”—ıhe drumbeat of “Lis- 
ten, I'm Lionel Richie now and [ want 
A-B-C-D now!” I never could pull that 
crap off on Brenda. Its called a grand- 
stand. 


PLAYBOY: Then what happens when mar- 
riage and career conflict? 
RICHIE: The struggle is Brenda's battling 


with my mistress— "the craft.” Pm really 
married three times—to my wile, to my 
keyboard and to the audience. It's not like 
I dread going out on tour: It's like a won- 
derful love affair and I want to go. But it's 
ever so delicate figuring out which of my 
loves is in control. A wile always has to 
feel, “Yes, if anything ever goes wrong, 
he’s coming home to me.” 
PLAYBOY: Arc you? 

(continued on page 152) 


= 


Crisisweek 


Toxic tooth paste, 
breast milk that kills, 
your radioactive pet 
and much, much worse! 


64 


icture а crowded bar. Three 

television sets hang from 

the ceiling, tuned in to the 

network feed. This is a high- 

tech joint, so there аге 
compeling amusements, as well: MTV 
on wall-sized monitors, dueling juke- 
boxes, video games with synthetic 
voices. On top of this racket, there's the 
festive roar of conversation. 

That is, until the news comes on. Talk 
stammers to a halt and eyes are cast 
upward; they dart from screen to 
screen. The anchor men begin to talk 
loudly, and they're talking crisis— 
drugs, vanishing rain forests, terror- 
ism, Armageddon, They're inflating 
stories to ten times their natural size, 
decrying the end of the world, Their 
graphics are flashier than video games, 
their footage better than MTV, their 
high-tension talk scarier than s-f. 

In the face of this onslaught, the 
patrons can't concentrate; they can't 
even think. Aghast, afraid, they gulp 
their drinks as the hysteria level rises. 


. 

When they've got а crisis to hawk, 
news magazines love to start stories in 
italics. In that type face, they can get 
away with anything: apocalyptic fic- 
tion that would otherwise be out of 
place in straight journalism, even 
overextended metaphors for American 
society like the one in the paragraphs 
above. Italic type can also clear the 
way for a single anecdote to stand in 
for the latest trend that's ravaging 
society, and it lays the groundwork for 
paragraphs that begin, "Тһе sad story 
of Bob J. is all too familiar in America 
today. He represents an insidious epi- 
demic that is sweeping. . . .” 

As it so happens, America today is 


THE 
CRISIS CRISIS 


It's bad news, Biblical style: Plagues of 
swarming journalists are swallowing—and 
selling—every doomsday scenario in sight 


suffering an epidemic of nation- 
sweeping events unseen since the Bib- 
lical plagues in Egypt. In the attack of 
the killer trends, we are terrified on 
Monday by a crisis we scarcely knew 
existed the previous Friday, and Mon- 
day's dark portent, in turn, gives мау 
to the next week's hysteria. 

In horrific succession, herpes anxi- 
ety is overtaken by the plague of 
AIDS, which is followed by the shock- 


It's Gett ng Worse 


1982 1983 1984 1985 1986 1987 


ing specter of Third World debt. After a 
brief but chilly nuclear winter, we are 
threatened by our own national-debt 
crisis and devastated by starvation in 
Ethiopia; then it's back to our leaky 
ozone layer. Terrorists are suddenly in 
our midst, then the homeless—until 
all is swept away by crack mania. 

'The problems appear, the alarms 
sound, the cover stories and the special 
reports proliferate. Then the media 
lose interest, and it’s on to the next dis- 
aster. The phenomenon is so ретпі- 
cious, it's worthy of a cover story all its 
own: Call it the Crisis Crisis. 

Nobody would tell you that our 

loated national debt is a healthy sign, 
that AIDS is a passing annoyance or 
that crack is good for you. These are 
serious problems deserving of seri- 
ous reporting and concerted follow- 
through—if only that would happen. 

No, the Crisis Crisis is not a matter 
of what's reported, it's a matter of who 
reports the bad news and how it's 
reported. This new menace springs 
from the number of news outlets com- 
peting to force tragic trends down our 
throats and the vehemence with which 
they deliver the goods. 

In the September 15, 1986, issue of. 
Time, associate editor Evan Thomas 
told us that given the proliferation of 
drug abuse, “we really are in the midst 
of a national crisis." The previous 
spring, Time had decried the state of 
liability insurance in numbingly simi- 
lar terms: "a rising flood of problems 
growing out of what has become a 
new national crisis." Newsweek easily 
matched the hysteria level of its com- 
petitor, asserting in the August 18, 
1986, issue that radon gas is "the most 
dangerous source of radiation in Amer- 


їса” (a window fan іп contaminated 
homes turned out to be the solution). 
The radon scare followed a classic in 
slam-dunk Crisis Crisis delivery by no 
less a source than Newsweek editor in 
chief Richard M. Si . In the June 
16, 1986, edition, he wrote that drug 
abuse is "as pervasive and as danger- 
ous in its way as the plagues of medie- 
val times." 

If the editor wanted to talk drug 
plague, he needed to look no further 
than the early 1900s, when cocaine use 
was far more commonplace than it is 
ight. to identify 
a plague, but it doesn't have anything 
to do with drugs, the use of which has 
remained pretty constant in the Eight- 
ies. Тһе swarming critters gnawing on. 
the landscape these days are not 
locusts but news-hungry journalists, 
and they are truly omnivorous beasts. 
Fueling their appetites is the intense 
competition for attention, both from 
the public and from the all-important 
advertisers. 

Its no secret that Newsweek—the 
magazine that brought you the Hitler 
diaries—has been suffering a decline 
in ad pages. There's no dishonor in 
that; the past few years have been a 
tough time for many magazines. But 
when Newsweek's bottom line dipped, 
its hysteria level rose; suddenly, sun- 
shine could kill the sexy babe it put on 
its cover and unmarried 40-year-old 
women were "more likely to be killed 
by a terrorist" than to find a husband. 
Newsweek told us that Richard Nixon 
was "back" (now, there's a crisis), and 
the magazine has driven the cocaine 
band wagon from the start, with three 
1986 cover stories on the subject. 

As The New Republic recently as- 
serted, "Newsweek has vowed to pur- 
sue the lonely struggle against crack 
no matter how much money it makes." 
And the results have been good: Ив 
"Kids and Cocaine" cover sold 15 
percent better than average, and 
"Cocaine—The Evil Empire," the Feb- 
ruary 25, 1985, granddaddy of drug 
hysteria, weighed in with a whopping 
37 percent bonus on the newsstand. 

Time was in there slugging as well, 
nearly matching Newsweek's torrid 
pace on drug coverage with "The 
Enemy Within" and "Drugs on the 
Job," finding toxic waste in our water 
(and repeating a scary 1980 cover 
image in the process) and shrieking 
about the insurance crisis. 

Тһе television networks, suffering 
from a defection of 18 percent of their 
prime-time audience over the past 
eight years, may be the loudest con- 
tributors to the noise level. As ad reve- 
nues fall and corporate shake-ups rock 


Day-Care Dopers: Steps [тот White House, toking teachers swap urine samples. 


65 


THE CRISIS CRISIS 


the executive suites, news depart- 
ments have become pressure points. 
Тһе same competition that has esca- 
lated on-camera news positions into 
multimillion-dollar jobs is pushing 
these media superstars to lend their 
voices to inflated crises worthy of their 
inflated salaries. 

So we watched Geraldo Rivera un- 
veil American Vice: The Doping of a 
Nation (December 2, 1986), propelling 
the independent Chicago superstation 
WGN to a Nielsen rating of 18.1, dou- 
bling its average for the Tuesday 
prime-time period and trouncing the 
offerings from NBC and CBS in the 
Chicago market. On September 2, 
1986, Dan Rather relived 48 Hours 
on Crack Street; a few days later, 


Tom Brokaw toured Cocaine Country. 
Rather's descent into drug-trend hell 
earned the highest ratings of any 
documentary in the past six years; 
15,000,000 people tuned in. 

Crack use was then, and still is, a 
local—not а nationwide—phenome- 
non and nowhere near as deadly as, 
say, drunk driving. But that mattered 
less than the public's hunger to know 
about the new form of cocaine, and 
CBS mainlined the sordid goods 
straight into their living rooms. Not 
surprisingly, a Newsweek poll in the 
August 11, 1986, "Saying No!” issue 
showed that public perception of the 
drug crisis—skewed by media over- 
bad—rated crack and cocaine as close 
seconds to alcohol as threats to soci- 


PAU 


ICKSON 


ety. And from the press coverage, who 
would know any different? During the 
Crisis Crisis, the boring old news about 
the high societal costs of alcohol abuse 
just won't play. Clearly, the networks 
and the news magazines had given 
their customers what they wanted, 
which is the first rule of merchandis- 
ing. But when the product being sold is 
the news, that age-old hustle takes on 
a whole new meanîng. 

Never mind that the public may 
actually believe the hyperbole that 
they see and read. The greater problem 
is that impressionable Government 
officials in Washington may believe it. 
Our legislators must have watched all 
17 hours of drug programing on net- 
work TV during the first half of last 


A Guide to Crisis Journalese 


n recent years, І have become fascinated with jour- 
nalese, the professional jargon of journalists. It is an 
amusing but often deceptive tongue that requires 
careful translation. For instance, there is the way 
journalists describe people: Ebullient usually means 
crazy, outgoing means noisy, Rubenesque is fat, spry 
means not in a wheelchair and ruddy-faced means 
drunk. If you are called crusty in print, it means the 
writer thinks you are 


are ever-increasing and ever-mounting, which invaria- 
bly amplify problems and casualties. 

3. Pumping prefixes. Many are used—mega-, пео-, 
super-, hyper-, etc.— but the most effective may be оуег-. 
One must now use overcrowded in all articles about cri- 
ses in schools, psychiatric institutions and prisons. Simi- 
larly, overcommercialized is becoming the pumped-up 
modifier for Christmas, the Olympics, popular tourist 

attractions and the drive 


obnoxious. 

There are also rules 
concerning words, phrases 
and verbal tricks that are 
trotted out when a crisis 
is being invented. Care- 
fully deployed, the de- 
vices below can build a 
swarming of termites or a 
flooded basement into the 
breathless stuff of a news- 
magazine cover story, a 
front-page special report 


Теп Time- (and 
Newsweek-) tested 
tricks of professional 
crisismongering 


to raise repair money for 
the Statue of Liberty. 

4. Mix-'n’-match meta- 
phors. When crisis looms, 
journalists call out the 
metaphors. A problem to 
be studied by a committee 
becomes a crisis to be 
attacked by a task force. 
Crisis reporting requires 
the use of terms from each 
of the following meta- 
phorical groups: 


or a TV news series. 

1. Alliteration adds anxiety. Poets, playwrights, prose- 
cutors and politicians have long known that drama is 
drummed up when sounds at the beginning of words are 
repeated. So it is not quite by chance that we have crisis 
headlines about "CRACK AND CRIME,” “FALTERING FARMS,” 
"TROUBLED THRIFTS” and “KIDS AND cocaine.” The D words 
make a special contribution at disaster time: Where 
would journalists be without death and destruction, 
doom and despair, diseased and dispirited, dull and 
dreary and drunk and disorderly. 

2. Hyphenate for the double-whammy effect. Hyphen- 
ated words always give a special pop to the proceedings. 
Gangland-style murders are more alarming than 
garden-variety killings but not quite as scary as those 
deemed to be execution-style. Two sure crisis boosters 


MILITARY 
Attack, defeat/surrender, task force, battle, invasion, 
casualties, strike. 
MEDICAL 
Epidemic, terminal, malignant, festering, hemorrhag- 
ing, surgical. 
RELIGIOUS 


Born-again, crusade, evangelical, Armageddon, 


doomsday, apocalypse. 

5. The romance of high numbers. In crisis journalism, 
numbers should be expressed early, often and high, and 
only in deaths or dollars. The wildly wrong death 
count offered up immediately 


(concluded overleaf) 


Ву Lewis Grossberger 


tan H. and his wife, 
Gloria, slump deject- 
ейу in the squalor 


of their once mere- 
ly unkempt suburban 
home, their vacant eyes 
fixed on the tele- 
vision screen, their shaky hands 
clawing at the rising tide of newspa- 
pers and magazines. They both 
know that they are helpless victims 


Victims of Press Stress 


PCBs, dioxins, radon gas, fluorocar- 
bons, acid snow and gamma rays— 
and terrorists are behind it!” 

Lost in their frenzy, they both 
begin to rock rhythmically back and 
forth, emitting the hackle-raising, 
defeated moan that is the character- 
istic cry of America's most pathetic 
individuals—the crisis-crisis vic- 
tims. Such unfortunates have been 
exposed to so many crises, near 


of something awful, but they're not 
sure exactly what, as they haven't 
yet seen a thing about it in Time or 
Newsweek. 

“Once we were a special kind of 
family,” says Stan bitterly. “You 
know, a family not trapped in an 
ever-deepening nightmare spiral of 
fear, anguish and horror.” 

“Shh!” says Gloria. "The six- 
o’clock news is on. My God! They 
say the nation is caught in the vise- 
like grip of a deadly drug crisis!” 

"Forget that,” says Stan, whim- 
pering. "1 just heard a bulletin on 
my Walkman. North America may 
soon be engulfed by a lethal cloud of 


News junkies: Average family implodes after mainlining nightly news. 


crises and pseudo crises that their 
bullshit-immunity systems have 
broken down, leaving them defense- 
less against news-media penetra- 
tion of the vulnerable, gray blob 
that is the human brain. 

Stan, only recently thehandsome, 
40ish manager of a prosperous used- 
pet boutique, is now a gaunt, unem- 
ployed zombie of 58. Gloria, а 
rancid, gargoylelike caricature of 
the beauty queen and supermarket 
cheese demonstrator she once was, 
has the smudged fingers and blood- 
shot eyes of the hard-core news 
abuser. Their three children, 
Jane, 15, 


(concluded overleaf) 


year, because they rushed through 
some spectacular—and probably un- 
constitutional—drug legislation dur- 
ing the pre-election rush last fall. 
Before crack mania, Federal anti- 
drug initiatives had apportioned 1.8 
billion dollars to catch dope smugglers, 
dealers and users, compared with 
$230,000,000 for education and reha- 
bilitation of substance abusers, even 
though everyone from the President on 
down had said that we should attack 
this problem from the demand side. 
With the media drums pounding for 
action on the latest crisis, Congress 
responded to this serious problem not 
with a well-thought-out 1 1986 
plan but with a proposed |1. 
$900,000,000 worth of Ша 


Exclamation 
Point Tally 
т! 
q^ 


Newsroom Catastrophe Count .— 


The Crisis Index 


frenzied half measures and hocus- 
pocus. As New York Representative 
Charles Schumer said, "What happens 
is that this occurs in one seismic jump 
instead of a rational build-up. The 
down side is that you come up with pol- 
icies too quickly and that the policies 
are aimed at looking good rather than. 
solving the problem." 

Savvy politicians play the hysteria 
game another way as well. Aware that. 
the press is always up for a good 
scream, President Reagan and Secre- 
tary of State George Shultz were able 
to score points against the Evil Empire 
in the hours after the downing of КАТ, 
flight 007, charging that the Soviets 
willfully shot down a planeload of 


Journalese 


after the Chernobyl accident has done 
nothing to suppress journalists' appe- 
tite for big, early returns. Consider 
street value, the term used to alert 
readers to an upcoming, fantastic esti- 
mate of the value of a recently seized 
cache of drugs. Has anyone ever seen 
an explanation of how street value is 
determined? Do news organizations 
keep junkies on staff for this purpose? 

6. Anecdotal apoplexy. The press 
loves to reprimand the President for 
letting the story of a lone farmer or 
welfare mother stand in as a token for 
a much larger issue, but this may be 
because he is encroaching on one of the 
favorite techniques of crisis journal- 
ism. Show me an article on the farm 
crisis that does not contain а wrench- 
ing tale of barnyard suicide and І will 
show you ап academic journal. 

7. Negating positives. Panacea, for 
instance, is a word that is now journal- 
istically restricted to such usage as “It 
is not a panacea, he warned.” Ditto for 
the increasingly scarce—some зау 
extinct—easy answers and cure-alls. 
Crisis journalese requires an assertion 
that "Band-Aid solutions" will not 
work and that the crisis at hand cannot. 
be solved by "throwing money at it." 
Technical and scientific help is possible 
but inevitably “years away"—perhaps 
not until after the year 2000. 

8. The year 2000. Crisis writing 
always benefits from a dire prediction 
of how bad the problem will be in the 
year 2000 unless something is done 
now. The beauty of the year 2000 is 
that it is just far enough away that we 
will have forgotten the dire predictions 
by the time it rolls around. 

9. There's no word like a buzz word. 
When possible, journalists compare 
crises to (A) Watergate, (B) Vietnam, 
(C) Jonestown or (D) Chernobyl. They 
quote "noted authorities" and "some 
observers" who always say that the cri- 
sis may be worse than is generally 
acknowledged. If there is a phone num- 
ber to be called, it's always a "hotline"; 
if a committee is appointed, it must be 
a “blue-ribbon” panel; and anyone 
given authority to deal with the prob- 
lem will be called a czar who has 
"unprecedented powers." 

10. Pandora's press box. The opening 
of Pandora's box has а nice fatalistic 
feel if one wants to suggest a host of 
new ills and evils that are about to be 
released on a crisis-weary world 


Victims 

Bryant, ten, and little Willard 
(a wizened toddler sad beyond 
his years) are locked’ in the 
air-purified, multidisaster-resistant 
fallout shelter in the basement to 
protect them from the plague of vir- 
ulent crises ravaging society 

"This is one screwed-up family," 
says Dr. Mumford Kittle, head of 
the Crisis Dependency Network, 
who is chained in the attic. “I 
thought we were making progress, 
but when I arrived for our session 
yesterday, Stan knocked me out and 
dragged me up here. Gloria had 
read a story about a wave of child 
abuse surging across America, and 
she suspects everyone. We're back 
to square one, treatmentwise.” 

Back downstairs, Gloria's digital 
wrist watch starts beeping; she 
stands bolt upright. “Testing!” she 
screams. “It’s testing time!” 

Scrambling to the basement, the 
panicky couple bursts into the fall- 
out shelter. “OK, kids, fill up these 
specimen bottles,” says Stan. 

“You haven’t succumbed to the 
nightmare of crack addiction, the 
number-one menace in the US. 
today, have you?” Gloria demands. 

“Aw, Ma,” Bryant whines. “You 
don't sniff it, you smoke it.” 

“Aha!” his mother cries. “How did 
you know that?” 

“Dan Rather.” 

“Good God!” shouts Stan, stricken 
with terror. "Where's Jane?" 

Bryant says that he saw his sister 
sneak off to school. “She had to,” he 
says. "She's scared she'll become 
unemployable and end up a starv- 
ing bag person roaming the streets 
of some overpopulated megalopolis, 
easy prey for psychotic killers, 
AIDS and the partnerless-single- 
woman syndrome." 

"But school," Gloria sobs. "It's full 
of crime, illiteracy, rap music, 
satanic cults and secular-humanist 
values, whatever they are.” 

"We've got to save her,” says 
Stan. 

"You're right,” says Gloria. 

But neither moves toward the 
door. Instead, they resume that ter- 
rible moan, a sound so irritating 
that bystanders frequently become 
agitated to the point of homicide—a 
fact that, expert crisis theorists now 
believe, may result in America's 
worst crisis yet: a crisis-crisis- 
victim-victimization crisis. 


Crisis Crisis 

innocents. In The Target Is Destroyed, 
Seymour Hersh pointed out that the 
Russians had simply made a tragic 
mistake and that our Government 
intelligence gatherers knew it had 
been a mistake, as did the President 
and Shultz. They wouldn't admit that. 
in the glare of a crisis, mind you; why 
waste the spotlight? 

During the Qaddafi hysteria, the 
press was fully lathered to accept State 
Department- manufactured assertions 
of Libya's intended terrorist activities, 
and it ate up the fiction that our bomb- 
ing raid had weakened "Mad Dog" 
Qaddafi's grip on his government. The 
crisis machinery was already in place 
and functioning, waiting for the next 
bit of news to pump up. In a telling bit 
of timing, the strike itself took place at 
two o'clock in the morning Libya time, 
which was seven o'clock in the evening. 
New York time. And there was Dan 
Rather, encouraging his Tripoli corre- 
spondent to hold his microphone out 
the window so the American public 
could hear the 12 minutes of mayhem. 
At 7:20, Larry Speakes was in the 
pressroom, waging media war. 

Reflecting on the whole mess, House 
Majority Leader Jim Wright told The 
New York Times, "One of the unfortu- 
nate by-products of the television age 
is the short attention span of the 
American public. We walk along fat, 
dumb and happy until a crisis grabs us 
by the throat. Once it is off the front 
burner of nightly television coverage, 
we go back to sleep." 

So it is that the wave beyond the Cri- 
sis Crisis takes shape: dismissal by 
cover story. Once Time covers the fam- 
ine in Ethiopia, we can forget about it. 
After Newsweek looks at nuclear war, 
the bombs disappear. Under the new 
system, crises will spend their few 
minutes in the spotlight, grant inter- 
views all around and then gracefully 
retire, like Joe DiMaggio. 

. 


Were back in the bar again, as you 
can tell from this italic type. With all of 
ihe TVs blaring, the din of crisis- 
mongering has increased to a heavy- 
metal sonic boom. But the patrons no 
longer look frightened. Theyve stopped 
watching the moniiors; theyre numb to 
the very latest causes for hysteria. But 
thats what happens in noisy bars: 
Turn up the sound loud enough and 
you'll deafen the customers. 

— PETER MOORE 
n 


“Since she arrived, you never say Thank God it’s Friday’ anymore." 


Detect уе 


E | ' 
p 
1 


wu 


HEN WORD leaked 
out that MiSchelle MeMindes 
(rhymes with finds), a licensed рг 
vate investigator and a seven-year 
resident ol Pendleton, Oregon. was 
posing for a rı.aysoy pictorial, the let- 
ters column of the local daily, the 
East Oregonian—which had run a 
front-page story about her—got the 
predictable protest mail from Falwell 
followers. ‘The story even made the 
news іп big-city Portland, 200-plus 
miles west. “WILL PLAYBOY “STRIP” AWAY 
PENDLEIONS iMac” ап Oregonian 
headline inquires. Responds MiSchelle, 
an attractive, articulate 29-year-old 
native of Nebraska: “No way.” To 
understand what the fuss is about, it 
helps to put Pendleton in perspective. 
It's the kind of place, as the adage 
has it, “where the men are men and 
the women are glad of it.” Its cham- 
ber of commerce claims it’s “not the 
old West, not the new West—the real 
West." Stroll down Main Strect on a 
Saturday and you'll meet an eclectic 
mix of cowboys, Indians, doctors, 
Lawyers, even an occasional merchant 
chief. The town’s money, most of it, 
comes from the surrounding land 
rolling hills that nurture wheat, peas, 
cattle, sheep and pine trees. During 
one week m mid-September cach 
year, the place explodes in the heady 


blend of dust, horse sweat, whis 


and excitement that heralds the Pen- 


dieton Round-Up, one of the coun- 
try’s top rodeos. For the other 51 
week: this community of 14,500 
inhabitants and 32 churches is fairly 
calm. That may change if MiSchelle's 
pictorial sets Pendleton on its 107- 
year-old ear. Frankly, though, she 
expects the citizenry of her adopted 


home town to take it in stride. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


he reactions 
(^ Im hearing from 
)) people" MiSchelle 
7^ old us. 
real proud of you 
vour issue coming out? 
can't wait” How she came to 
be in PLayBoy is a story in itself 
After being approached by a photographer who 
represented himself as a scout for a Layo 
feature on female private eyes, MiSchelle wrote 
to our Chicago offices to check him out. Associ- 
ate Photography Editor Michael Ann Sullivan 
read the letter, called MiSchelle and said, 
“We've never heard of this guy, but the idea 
sounds great. Are you interested?” MiSchelle 
was. So was Richard Fegley, a genuine PLAYBOY 
Contributing Photographer. The results you 
see here, MiSchelle came to her field by a 
roundabout route. She'd majored in music and 
theater in Nebraska and Calilornia, then took 
seminars in counseling at the Menninger Foun- 
dation, A job with a mental-health progr 


Independent Living, drew her to Pendleton. 


On the steps of the Umatilla County Library (above), 
Pendleton mayor Joe McLaughlin (left) runs into 
MiSchelle, her boyfriend, Morrie McCormmach (back 
to camera), and Mike Hagen, with whom she's working 
оп a movie project scripted by Ken Kesey. “I spend a 
lot of time in the library doing research,” she says. 
“Luckily, it's only about a block away from my office.” 


74 


fier three years with Independent Living, MiSchelle 
decided she wanted to live independently and start her 
own business. “I had done some volunteer work with 
rape victims, during the course of which I met several 
attorneys," she says. “One suggested I might be a good 
investigator." Jı took a bank loan, hard work refinish- 
ing floors and stripping brick walls to renovate her 
oflice space and a year of pounding pavements before 
her firm, Northwest Investigators, took off; "but once I 


convinced some attorneys that I had the moxie to do 
the job. word of mouth just spread. Now I can pretty much pick and choose what 


cases Pll accept." Nearly all are referrals from attorneys, who may ask her to con- 


duci surveillance on accident victims suspected of fraudulent workmen’s- 
compensation claims, pose as a store clerk to smoke out a shoplifting employee or 
locate and interview witnesses to a traffic mishap, “If you don't do it right,” 
MiSchelle says 


‘ou can scare away potential witnesses or make them hostile.” 


On Main Street just outside the Rainbow Café (top), a funky favorite local watering hole, 
MiSchelle talks with Richard Thompson (left) and Isaac Parr of the tribal police from the nearby 
Umatilla Indian Reservation. Above, she interviews veteran saddle maker Bill Severe in the 
Severe Bros. Saddlery, which he shares with sons R.L. (background) and Monty (partly 
obscured al right), seeking details about a traffic accident he'd witnessed. “Actually, I do most 
‚of my investigating outside the immediate area," MiSchelle says. “Іп a small town like this, 
where you know almost everybody, it can be very hard to avoid conflicts of interest.” 


Т the job, MiSchelle 
enjoys life to the hilt 
On the ranch. where 
she lives with wheat 
farmer Morrie МеСопп- 
mach, she gardens 
and raises 
poodles. In town, she 
has scores of friends. 
“I dove the small- 
town feel ore, the fact that 1 can walk to 
the bank, the post office, do a little shopping 
and be back in my office іп 15 minutes. Or I 
can go for a beer after work, and people just sit 
down in the booth next to me and start telling 


stories. And where else but a town like 


Pendleton could you go into a bar and find real 


cowboys talking like real cowboys do on TV?” 
"There's more to it, she adds. “People here are 
intelligent; they go to concerts and plays and 
keep up on contemporary issues. We're not just 
a bunch of hicks.” What about the down side 
of small-town life—its lack of privac 

MiSchelle laughs. “Well, if you really want 
to go on a rip and tear, you can always get out 


of town, go and be anonymous somewhere." 


MiSchelle's work puts her in contact with a variety of 
people. Conferring in her office are (above, from left) 
insurance agent Roger Bisneit, appraiser Larry Davis 
and agricultural scientist Richard Greenwalt. All, she 
suspects, are looking forward lo this feature. What 
made her decide to do it? “Seeing a rLaveo pictorial,” 
she says, "makes me feel proud to be a woman.” 


Pon 


78 


the bush-bred koali 
made it great? ha: 
its beer-besotted soul? 


By Michael Thomas 


THE DECLINE AND FALL ОЕ 


OKKER’ 
CHIC 


DON'T you love Paul Hogan? He's the Rogue Okker in the 
Australian Tourist Commission commercials chucking 
prawns on the barbie. Have you seen the Foster's Lager 
campaign? Hogan again, in his cashmere jumper, gasping 
for a drop of the amber nectar. 

They love him in Beverly Hills. Since “Crocodile” 
Dundee, they've been sending him all the scripts that Har- 
rison Ford doesn't want to do. The studio intellectuals 
have actually read The Thorn Birds—not just the press 
coverage—and quite a few of them drop into Koala Blue 
on Melrose after they've had lunch at Trumps or 
Moustache Cafe. And if all that hadn't attracted. their 
attention, there was Rupert Murdoch buying up half оГ 
20th Century Fox. 

Murdoch muscled his way in by waving greenbacks, 
but Hogan's a natural. He's got the born-innocent Bondi- 
blue eyes and the straw hair and the seamless amber tan 
and the sloppy grin and the cauliflower knees you get from 
knecling on a surfboard and the whole who-gives-a-root- 
she's-apples Rogue Okker insouciance he was born with. 
But it's the verbal they love in L.A. That wacky dinky-di 
slang. And the vowels—those excruciating A's and E's 
and oi's ricocheting off the adenoids and resonating up 
there in the sinuses like a blowfly caught in a bottle of 
Chateau Tanunda. It's the way he says “G'day.” 

The way he speaks, that dinkum larrikin adenoidal 
vibrato, is the way entire suburbs in Australia speak. Тһе 
entire North Shore of Sydney and everybody else with two 
bob to rub together have been trying to stamp out that 
peculiar noise in their sons and daughters ever since 


*Okker (noun): Australian rogue; presumed extinct due to low- 
alcohol beer and loss of habitat. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ROBERT GIUSTI 


World War Two. But that was before Okker Chic. 

Okker Chic really became official the day it went inter- 
national, on October 4, 1983, when Olivia Newton-John 
opened Koala Blue on Melrose. By then, there were 
agents in Hollywood—hardhearted men, real ruthless, 
liver-eating hyenas—who had menus from Sydney’s 
Berowra Waters Inn in frames. They’d bludged a free trip 
to Sydney to tell a few funny stories at some movie confer- 
епсе, they’d spent the day on a yacht in Sydney Harbor 
and they'd had lunch on the Hawkesbury River. Now they 
were foaming at the mouth, talking about the oysters and 
the lobsters and the wine that smelled faintly of passion 
fruit. They were raving about the women, especially the 
wild, fresh, amusing and—here was the thing—oddly 
intelligent women, in miniskirts up to here. The word was 
out, and the word was: If you were looking for the next 
best thing to heaven on earth, Pan Am 815 flew nonstop to 
Sydney three days a week. 

Meanwhile, on the up-and-coming 7300 block on 
highly desirable Melrose Avenue, there was Koala Blue. 
Forget the fact that Olivia's a ring in, an arriviste, like the 
Gibb boys or Mel Gibson, for that matter, or all the other 
boys and girls of penniless migrants who arrived in Aus- 
tralia when they were 12 and never looked back. As far as 
anvbody in Hollywood was concerned, Olivia Newton- 
John was as dinky-di as, well, Lorraine Crapp. But the 
Koala Blue in Hollywood had the real Aussie goods: 
Eta peanut butter, Vegemite, the full range оГ 
19 AUSTRALIA T-shirts and AYERS ROCK T-shirts and hand- 
knitted Merino-wool cardigans with a kanga on the back, 
or а koala or а kookaburra, op'ra-house stuff, America's 
Cup stuff, beach towels spelling out the rules of cricket ог 
the complete lyrics of Waltzing Matilda. 

Stone the crows! It was amazing. Suddenly all this 
Okker junk had meaning. Cling peaches! Jaffas! Minties! 
Lamingtons! Hoadley’s Violet Crumble Bars! Pelaco 
shirts! Akubra hats! These things had become cultural 
artifacts, as though Australia had not just a look, not just 


THE AUSSIE IMPACT 


It Came from Down Under 


under 


*Before Okker Chic 


weather, not just good oysters and cold beer and big surf 
and funny accents, not just infinite space and light and 
waterfrontage but a culture, It was embarrassing. What 
was next? Jo'burg? Voortrekker Chic? 

Okker Chic owed its early speed not to friendly, freckle- 
faced Paul Hogan, thank you, but to Sydney radio host 
John Singleton. Singo was the architect, the Wernher von 


A Glossary of Aussie Argot 


Akubra hats. Cowboywear, 
hopelessly out of date but 
coming back with the help of 
Aussie golfer Greg Norman. 
amber nectar. Beer, espe- 
cially Foster's Lager. 
Australian Rules. High- 
kicking, nonstop rugbylike 
game of football. 

barbie. Barbecue. 

bludged. Lit., borrowed, but 
implying gravel rash on the 
knees; very, very insulting. 
bodgie. Unlettered lout. 
Bondi. Sydney's best-known 
surfing beach. 

bottle-brush. Flower with 
blooms like punk lavatory 
brushes. 

Cháteau Tanunda. Austral- 
ian answer to Night Train and 
Wild Irish Rose. 

chunder. Drunken vomit. 
Crapp, Lorraine. Olympic 
champion swimmer of the 
mid-Fifties. 


daggy. Unattractive. 
didgeridoo. Aboriginal wind 
instrument fashioned from a 
hollow log; when blown, 
sounds like the world's com- 
ing to an end. 
dinkum. Cf. DINKY-DI. 
dinky-di. Genuine, 
loyed, the real thing. 
Dirty — Digger. 
Murdoch. 

float. Enough money in your 
pocket to back the first horse- 
race winner. 

G'day. Universal salutation. 
get stuck into. Attack. 

gum tree. Eucalyptus, native 
to Australia. Its leaves are 
the staple diet of the koala 
bear. 

Hoadley’s Violet Crumble 
Bars. Chocolate-coated honey- 
comb that sticks to your 
teeth. 

Jaffas. Orange-jacketed choc- 
olate balls for rolling down 


unal- 


Rupert 


+ | THREE BILLION B.O.C.* 
Australia, future playground for 
marsupials, solidifies down 


Rock formed 


shipment of 
British crooks 


and hooligans 
vy 


B 500,000,000 Ei 1947 Pan Am 


В.О.С. Ayres 


begins excruciating 


El 1962 Rod Laver 


wins grand slam of 


Braun of the affair; he lit the match. Singo's a big bodgie 
with a loud voice and a foul mouth and a chip on his 
shoulder the size of a trailer home. His view of the fancier 
things in life came across loud and clear when some ding- 
bat phoned in on The Singo Show on station 2KY and 
asked him what he thought about arts and culture іп Aus- 
tralia. “Jeez, mate,” he goes, “what race is she in?” 


the uncarpeted aisles of sub- 
urban Cinemas. 

Jumper. Sweater. 

Kanga. As іп "оо. 

King Gee shorts. Daggy. 
kookaburra. Cheeky, king- 
fisherlike, carnivorous bird 
with a laugh like gravel in a 
bucket. 

lamingtons. Day-old sponge- 
cake, dressed in chocolate 
syrup and sprinkled with des- 
iccated coconut. 

Lantana. Flowering bush 
with a pretty flower and a dis- 
appointing bouquet. 
larrikin. Rowdy, undisci- 
plined lout. 

Merino. Wool offthe sheep's 
back. 

Minties. Hard peppermint 
candy, famous for the car- 
toon and slogan on the box. 
Sample subject: A bloke is 
caught with his stripes (q.v.) 
round his ankles, rooting the 
ass of the boss's wife, and 
the slogan reads, “It's 
moments like these you need 
Minties.” 

Okker. Australian, but the 


meaning Changes depending 
on who says it. Said by a 
REFFO (q.v.), it's derogatory if 
not inflammatory. Said by an 
Okker himself, it's a back- 
handed boast. 

Pelaco shirts. Officewear. 
prang. Road accident. 

reffo. Feringi. Lit., refugee; 
by extension, any lowborn 
foreigner. 

ring in. Illegal or unauthor- 
ized entry. 

schooner. About a pint. 
She's apples. Everything's 
A-OK. 

singlet. Sleeveless undergar- 
ment. 

“Stone the crows!” Exple- 
tive equivalent to “You 
could've knocked me down 
with a feather!” 

strides. Trousers. 

turn-up for the books. 
Unexpected, form-defying re- 
sult, such as Australia's win- 
ning the America's Cup. 
up himself. Pretentious. 
wattle. Flowering tree. 


yakka. Labor. 


Bho 


Australian 
Rules foot- 
ball cable- 
cast on qo 
ESPN a 


H 1973 


Foster's Lager, 
the amber 
nectar, flows 
Stateside 


1977 The Thorn Birds 
alights in U.S. 


Singo may have the manners of а professional lawn 
mower, but he was the last half-witted voice of the indige- 
nous white English-speaking culture that found its hero in 
the iconoclast. He spoke for the little battlers, a breed of 
men with no time for bankrupt European airs and nothing 
but scorn for trashy American high-rise and hard-sell 
"There used to be an entire nation of them. АП the little 
battler asked out of life was a cooked breakfast and a few 
beers and a float to take to Randwick to get stuck into the 
bookies. Sunday morning, he'd wake up stony broke and 
still laughing, pull on his navy-blue singlet and a pair оГ 
daggy King Gee shorts and take the street kids fishing off. 
the rocks. Afterward, he'd fire up the barbie on a stretch 
of empty beach and fry flatheads and yellow jackets for 
breakfast 

Nobody dared get up himself that far—but there was ап 
ethic here: Nobody had any status he couldn't defend. If. 
you didn't see eye to eye with the bloke at the bar, you 
stepped outside. You didn't discuss it. You settled it. It 
was rough, but it was just. 

What you had here, in the postwar years, until the big 
boom in the Sixties, was a society unlike any other in the 
history of the planet. You had equality. You had resolute, 
doctrinaire mediocrity. If you got a cab, you rode up front 
with the driver. Everybody shined his own shoes. There 
were no rungs on the social ladder. There was no ladder. 
There were only two unforgivable heresies: success and 
failure. 

Failure was shame. All anybody had to do to make 
a decent living was get out of bed in the morning. The 
country was so rich and so empty that if you failed to 
make the grade in Australia, you got 
what you deserved. Success was 

worse. Success was subversive. 

It broke the first unwritten law of 
mediocrity, which is: No tall 
poppies. It sounded like hard 
yakka, like five days a 
week, or else it was 


Bes stone 


the crows! Australia 
wins the America's Cup! 


по ı982 rne 


Road Warrior 


Foster's 
pitchman 
Paul Hogan 
stars in 
"Crocodile" 
DETRAS 


PLAYBOY 


theft. Either way, it was unnatural. 

Australians—indigenous white English- 
speaking Australians—didn't much like 
to work. Adults worked. And Australians. 
didn't much like the idea of adulthood. 
What they liked was adolescence until 
death. 


. 
It was Singo who first heard the nag- 
ig didgeridoo hum in the national mar- 
row. There was a growing need to paint 
the Union Jack off the flag, change the 
national anthem, kiss off the queen and 
the entire embarrassing colonial pals’ act 
and stand up and be seen among the front 
runners, internationally speaking. Singo 
knew what the mob would put their 
money down for. 

Hogan cracked it first in advertising. Не 
came straight off the Harbor Bridge in 
Sydney, which he was painting at the 
time. Hogan said, “Апуһом, have a 
Winfield," and Winfield became the mar- 
ket leader. It was those vowels. Hogan 
was talking to people in their own lan- 
guage, Okker to Okker, ratbag to ratbag, 
and it was thrilling. After years of being 
made to feel vaguely ashamed of them- 
selves, Australians looked in the mirror 
and fell in love. 

Okker Chic spread like a bush fire: АП 
was quiet, one match fared and 
whhhoooooooosssshhh! It transformed 
everything, rewrote the consciousness, 
turned known facts upside down. It wasn’t 
just a matter of accent, though accent was 
fun for a while, like suddenly learning how 
to sing in tune. There were other things. 
Take Albert Namatjira, the aboriginal art- 
ist. All anybody ever gave Albert 
Namatjira while he was alive was all the 
beer he could drink. Namatjira landscapes 
of central Australia were pure play school 
dreck, but people began to look at them 
again. Now they saw space and color and 
form and naive mystical geometries. 

Everything home-grown became ach- 
ingly significant, invested with patriotic 
magic. Arnotts Sao dry biscuits, Sar- 
geants' pies, Ayers Rock, the Sydney Har- 
bor Bridge, the Acroplane Jelly song, 19th 
Century paintings of gum trees, 20th Cen- 
tury paintings of gum trees, the gum trees 
themselves. 

Oh, but the op'ra house was it. The 
most fantastic building of the 20th 
Century, a glittering armada docked in 
Sydney Harbor, the very flagship of born- 
again Okker pride, a daily reminder of 
how far we'd come up in the world. It's 
traditional to put up an opera house when 
you've goiten rich quick and yearn for sta- 
tus. But the Sydney Op'ra House, as 
everybody knew, was the best fuckin” орта 
house in the world! 

In throngs, the mob flocked to the col- 
ors. The rush was on. For years, the rush 
had all Бесп the other way: All most peo- 


ple with any brains wanted to do was get 
out of Australia, even if it meant traveling 
six to a cabin on a Greek boat. You 
couldn't shake off the feeling that you were 
shipwrecked on a remote pink rock at the 
bottom of the atlas, and no matter how. 
loud you shouted, nobody could hear. 

Оккег Chic did away with all that. By 
the Eighties, it was one-way traffic home. 
АП the unbelievers who, in the Sixties, 
couldn't wait to get out realized on reflec- 
tion that adolescence unúl death had a lot 
to recommend it. 

Okker Chic really got out of hand when 
we won the America's Cup. The hum in 
the national marrow became a 10,000- 
voice choir singing in tune. This is a coun- 
try that likes sport. We very nearly quit 
the Empire in the Thirties over a cricket 
match. Australians read the paper from 
the back; 100,000 of them turn up ev- 
ery weekend at the Melbourne Cricket 
Ground to watch Australian Rules foot- 
ball, and one cf Australia's biggest-selling 
records in the Eighties was some clown 
doing a foul-mouthed parody of a cricket 
telecast. Pure Okker Chic, in fact. But 
when we won the America's Cup—when 
skipper John Bertrand came back from the 
dead and broke the longest winning streak 
in sporting history—the barrage of pop- 
ping corks sounded like war breaking out. 
Great Western champagne had the best 
day's sales in the history of grapes. By 
Christ, vou should've seen us. If you 
thought folks in America were a bit 
worked up when the hostages got back 
from Tehran, if you thought Mrs. 
Gandhi's funeral got a little out of hand, 
you should’ve been in Sydney the day we 
won the cup. It was sheer frenzy. Bob 
Hawke had a fit. 

Prime Minister Hawke, who is now on 
the wagon, showed up at the Royal Perth 
Yacht Club with tears streaming down his 
cheeks. They drenched him in Great West- 
ern, and it must have soaked through his 
skin and gotten into his blood stream, 
because he started flailing about as if he 
were trying to bite himself on the back of 
the neck, He was slapping people on the 
back, being everyone's best mate—this is 
the prime minister, mind you—and when 
they finally got a microphone on him, he 
yelled, “Апу boss who sacks a bloke for 
not showing up at work today is a bum!” 

People were still staggering around days 
later, evil, inky udders under their eyes, 
tears spilling down their cheeks, kissing 
policemen in the street. We carried on that 
way because the America’s Cup had been 
unwinnable. It was bolted down in an 
inner chamber, under glass, and guarded 
by the Grail knights of the New York Yacht 
Club. Bertrand’s attack on it was heresy. 
When he smashed the glass and grabbed 
the Grail, brought it home for the current 
cup chase on our own stretch of ocean off 


Fremantle, he proved once and for all that 
we could do anything. 

Ask Clay Felker. He knows all about 
that. He found out the hard way. It was 
Clay, remember, who first took on Rupert 
Murdoch. What Clay discovered too 
late—when the bathroom door opened 
and the Dirty Digger stepped into the 
llth-hour board-room meeting and all 
Clay's old friends suddenly looked the 
other way—was this: Okkers play dirty. 

Clay couldn't believe it. He can't to this 
day. He, Clay Felker—inventor of New 
York magazine when it was in a class of its 
own and before that of the legendary Her- 
ald Tribune magazine, a legend himself, 
Mr. Manhattan, practically, with one оГ 
the top tables at Elaine's—outwitted, out- 
flanked, totally trounced by this rube, this 
baboon, in fact, this badly dressed nobody 
from a remote pink rock at the bottom of 
the atlas where they still wear corks on 
their hats to keep the flies off! 

Clay has never recovered. And Rupert 
has never looked back. Now no newspaper 
in the Western world is safe. No corpora- 
tion is too big. The bigger, the better— 
you just build up a holding and make a 
silly offer. It's taken a few years to sink in, 
but the board rooms and news desks are 
beginning to recognize the ghastly truth: 
It's not just Murdoch. There's a pack of 
them down there—a rogue Mafia of Dirty 
Diggers with more money than sense and 
no scruples whatsoever—and they're 
barking at the door. Alan Bond, of Bond 
Corporation, barks loudest of all. Bond's 
mascot—the kangaroo that flew on thc 
mainsail of Australia II—was weari 
boxing gloves. The message was plain: 
Get out of the way or get thumped. 

. 


Singo is still going strong on 2KY, 
defending the larrikin wav of life. But he's 
lost the plot—there's nobody out there in 
navy-blue singlets anymore. They're all 
wearing alligator shirts and running 
shoes. They're sitting around in butterfly 
chairs, under the ficus in the open-plan 
distressed-pine dining-cum-sitting room of 
their $250,000 home units with a view of 
the yachts on Sydney Harbor, eating gua- 
camole quiche and drinking LA beer. And 
whatare they talking about? They're talk- 
ing about giving up smoking. They're 
driving Datsuns. Half the people in Syd- 
ney don't even speak the same language. 

The bottom’s fallen out of Rugby 
League. Nobody wants to watch grown 
men kick one another's teeth in and gouge 
one anothers eyes out anymore, so 
nobody goes. There are no fights in Aus- 
tralia anymore, either. There are no fight- 
ers. No more little battlers. If you went 
looking for a dinkum Okker little battler 
these days, you'd need four-wheel drive 
and a Mobil map and a few days to spare. 

(continued on page 138) 


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BMW 3251 
VERTIBLE 


Deauville, France, is a seaside resort 
on the Normandy coast, the sort of chic 
village where they shoot James Bond 
films. It’s picturesque, civilized and 


h expensive. Recently, a group of editors 
дайа from тулүувоу?з 13 international editions 
met there to discuss the demanding work 
of putting out these magazines. To 
motor lighten their load, BMW sent over five 
пеш 325i convertibles. (“So you won't all 
go stir crazy,” said BMW's PR man- 
ager.) It took about half a day for the 
WO rks editors to realize that the most impor- 
tant strategic question facing them was 
how to wangle the key to one of the cars. 
Their routine was set in short order: By 
BUM 
they raced for the BMWs. rLaxeoY's Edi- 
torial Director, Arthur Kretchmer, was 
0 In one of the lucky drivers. Here's his 
impression of the 325i. 
SKILLFUL ENGINEERING is the spine on 
| which BMW has built this sexy соп- 
( vertible. Because open-top cars аге 
less structurally sound than sedans, 
BMW gave its usual Teutonic attention 
to detail when it came to reinforcing 
the frame and stiffening the 
convertible's chassis. To give you an 
example of how dedicated the BMW 
engineers were to the strength and 
integrity of the shell, the frame that 
holds the windshield in place is so 
strong that it serves as a roll bar in 
case a driver does a 180-degree turn in 
three dimensions. To give you an 
example of how well thought out 
BMW Ss are in general, the buttons that 
control the electric rearview mirrors 
are perfectly (concluded on page 144) 


No, it isn't true that with the intro- 
duction of the 325i convertible, BMW 
now stands for Better mit Wind. Five- 
speed manual is standard, autornatic ор- 
tional—and there's the possibility that 
an easy-to-attach plastic hardtop weigh- 
ing about 55 pounds will be available. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RAOUL MANUEL SCHNELL 


86 


AND THE 


x = ә 


if the chaplain is going to save any souls in this jail, he's got to 
pass flanagan's test. and he'd better not flinch when he does it 


fiction BY LIEW STEIGER 


HERE IN TANK ONE, Nobody has come or gone for about two 
weeks, and in the accumulated seconds spent together, 
we've reached an understanding. We’re all innocent. 

All of us except Snow, maybe, but he doesn’t count. 

It can’t last, of course. Some they'll ship to prison, and 
they'll let others go or move them to different tanks and 
then new ones will come in. We'll get a queer or a nut or 
an obnoxious punk, and the mood will shift. But right 
now we've struck a balance. We've developed, you might 
say, a certain tenderness toward each other. 

Flanagan, the oldest, is the ringleader of this common 
decency. It goes like so: The bars clang, the electric locks 
slam shut, they’ve spit someone else in here. He comes 
through a set of doors built like an air lock; he's a man 
entering a submarine. It's Peters, who was our last addi- 
tion. “What did you do?” says Braxton. “I didn't do 
shit," Peters says. “Of course you didn't, son,” Flanagan 
soothes in a slow, deliberate drawl. “He was jist askin' 
you what the chaaahge is.” “Drunk,” Peters says. “Which 
I had a right to be.” “Why, sure you did," Flanagan says. 
“There ain’t a man alive that never once had a right to be 
drunk. Every one of us has had a right to be drunk. And 
been that way, too, naturally. Now come on.” Flanagan 
gets up and takes Peters by the arm, steering him toward 
the last vacant bunk in cell D. “You look like you need to 
lie down, boy. Take a load off your mind.” 

Peters is young; he's got a fresh gash on his forehead 
and a huge shiner, and his right arm is swathed in band- 
ages. Coming into this tank, he's a bomb ready to 
explode—and that's Flanagan for you. He keeps things 
calm for us. We like things quiet in here. If Peters was just 
a drunk, he'd be in the drunk tank, Tank Five, not in Tank 
One. But so what? What's the difference? We're in this 


hole together, and while we are, nothing else matters. The 
point is to do good time, not hard time. Flanagan has 
been in longer than anybody, since July, and here it is 
February, and his trial date isn't even set, but do you see 
him sweating it? No. He's dry as dust. 

Flanagan is a big, pear-shaped guy with yellow skin 
from chain smoking and a crewcut and false front teeth. 
He's about 55. They don't let us see the papers in here, 
but on the one channel of TV we get, they're calling him 
the Septic Tank Killer. 

Flanagan had this retard living with him and his girl- 
friend. The retard was married to Flanagan's girlfriend, 
and the insurance, along with a Government pension, was 
in her name. Flanagan drove over the retard with a rented 
backhoe while he was digging a new septic tank. Flana- 
gan says he backed into the retard without seeing him. 
But, allegedly, blood, hair and bone chips were found on 
the front bucket of the backhoe, then underneath, in а 
pattern to suggest that Flanagan knocked the retard down 
going forward, then drove back and forth over his head 
about three times. Flanagan says he was flustered. He 
never drove a backhoe before; he was trying to drive the 
backhoe off the retard. Flanagan says if he wanted to kill 
for money, why wouldn't he have done it sooner? Why 
would he put up with all that bullshit for three straight 
years before committing the crime? Flanagan says he took 
the victim into his home because the worthless bastard 
had nowhere else to go. He was wrong in the head. He 
was dying of a brain tumor, anyway, and the only reason 
Flanagan’s girlfriend married him was to become his 
guardian so the state couldn't come along and commit 
him. It was charity, pure and simple. While they salivate 
on TV about Flanagan's love triangle and the delay of jus- 
tice, Flanagan will just sit there playing dominoes with 
Braxton. He'llhavehisteethouton (continued on page 92) 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE CALVER 


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BYRON NEWMAN 


We've come along 
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= =e 
Н I: p P I: ҸӘ (continued from page 86) 


“Snow beat a man to death with his bare hands and 
he won't say he's sorry about it.” 


the table—the steel picnic table that's 
bolted into the concrete foor—and he'll 
just chuckle and shake his head. 

Flanagan, a trapped man, is cooler than 
January in Idaho. And he's got the rest of 
us talked into being the same way. Which 
is why, on this Saturday morning, we have 
a nice, quiet, decent tank with no hassles. 
And all of us are innocent. 

That is, all of us except Snow. Snow is 
out there. Snow beat a man to death with 
his bare hands on a sidewalk in broad day- 
light and he won't say he's sorry about it. 
Snow can't get the difference. between 
hard time and good time, cither. He suf- 
fers constantly. Which is understandable. 
*Give the kid time," Flanagan says. 

Snow won't talk much. He's a real 
good-looking kid, but about all he does is 
lie on his bunk and stew. Either that or 
wash his hands and face. He's always 
jumping up to wash. He's a sharp kid but 
very tight; he's not looking for trouble, but 
he's not somebody people would fuck with 
just for the hell of it, either. Anyway, one 
day Snow makes an announcement. He 
gets his cup through the slot in the morn- 
ing, like always—every morning at wake- 
up, they bring us the cups мете going to 
have for the day, just ordinary plastic cof- 
fee cups. They give them to us in the 
morning and take them away at night after 
dinner to be washed, and nobody thinks 
anything about it. But on this particular 
morning, Snow ties a tom little piece of 
sheet on the handle of his cup and holds it 
up for everybody to look at. 

“бее this cup?" he says. “Тһе cup with 
the tag on it is mine. Anybody touches my 
cup is going to be very sorry. You all got 
that? Don't touch my cup." 

We think he's crazy, of course. We got 
our own cups; who would want to touch 
Snow's cup? We roll our eyes at each 
other. Snow's gone off his nut. He isn't the 
first. 

Then, a couple of days later, whammo, 
the blisters. For the first time, we see 
Snow's blisters. 

Its something. Here's this great- 
looking kid. He has this fine white face 
and nice dark hair and big, innocent 
brown eyes. And around his mouth he has 
the grossest case of herpes anybody ever 
saw. Not just one little cold sore, either. 
We're talking blisters here. 

When half of us go to the commissary, 
Peters rummages through the magazine 
stack and digs up a dog-eared old Time 
magazine with a cover story on the sub- 
ject. “The New Scarlet Letter” is the title. 


Snow's back in the tank, so Peters reads us 
the gory details out loud: There's no cure, 
you get it for life; some people never have 
sex again; it's extremely painful; it comes 
and gocs, but when you have it, you can 
feel it coming; it's people who sleep around 
that get it. Finally, they say it's good; 
maybe it will usher in a new morality. 

Braxton laughs at Peters’ horror, “Look 
at you, Peters,” Braxton leers. “What the 
fuck you want to worry about that shit 
for?” he says, slapping Peters on the back, 
“I was you, man, I'd be thinking about 
AIDS....” 

Peters takes the magazine back into 
the tank with him, anyway, and Flana- 
gan confiscates it immediately. Flanagan 
pushes it out through the slot. 

. 

А дау or two later, Flanagan asks Snow 
to read his case. Snow reads the papers, 
then gives them back to Flanagan. “You 
shouldn't have said you backed into him,” 
Snow says softly. “You should have just 
said you hit him going forward and it was 
an accident." 

Flanagan shrugs. Не takes back the 
papers. You can picture how it was for 
him. She marries the retard. He's going to 
die any day, any minute. It's barely а 
ime. It’s just a neat piece of engineer- 
ing. Social justice. Who else would get 
the money? The Government? But then 
the retard won't die. He won't die and he 
won't die and he won't die. After three 
years of having him underfoot, something 
tears loose inside Flanagan. He's outside 
trying to dig a septic tank and the retard’s 
on the ground, in the way. The retard 
won't leave Flanagan alone; he's out there 
slobbering in the wind. Flanagan sits on 
the cold steel seat of the backhoe, grinding 
his teeth, breathing exhaust, trying to get 
the job done. Then the retard stumbles in 
front of the backhoe. Afterward, Flanagan 
panics. He tells the wrong story. 

In jail, Flanagan rallies. He's surren- 
dered all the dignity he's going to. No 
more. He's told them his story and that's 
the one he's going to ride with. 

And in the cell, looking at Snow, he 
shrugs. 


. 

But now its the second Saturday of thc 
month, the day they have the rap session. 
At first, none of the new ones are going to 
go, but then Flanagan says they have a 
coffee maker in there and you can drink all 
you want. Sometimes they even have 
doughnuts, and the old chaplain is pretty 
easy, too. Pretty laid back. 


At the last minute, Flanagan gets Snow 
to come. Snow’s had a paper towel spread 
out on his pillow. He's been lying on his 
bunk, his face to the wall, since wake-up. 

We go to a plain concrete room with TV 
cameras in two corners and metal chairs 
set in a circle. Sure enough, there's a coffee 
maker on a little card table back in a cor- 
ner, outside the circle. Just our luck, 
though, no doughnuts. The bastards in 
here before us have caten them all. Right 
off, we make a beeline for that coffee, 
though. 

It’s a new chaplain, not the regular. 
This one is young and he's cool. He nods 
the guard away with a look that says he's 
got things under control God's on his 
side. The guard locks us in as he goes, and 
the rap session begins. As we sit, Braxton 
rolls his eyes at the cameras to say, 
“Watch out, the room could be bugged.” 
It’s true, too; there are little microphone 
slots in the camera housings under the 
lenses. In the center of the jail is a control 
cage, and wherever you go in the jail ош- 
side a tank, somebody watches you. 

The chaplain has а sip of coffee. “The 
first thing we have to decide,” he says, “is 
whether we want to have smoking in this 
room or not. How many smokers do we 
have?” It's a democratic circle. The chap- 
lain is sitting in a metal chair, just like 
ours, and he's a coffee drinker, too. He's 
assumed a position ofno particular impor- 
tance, except nobody will sit next to him, 
so he's got a couple of empty chairs on 
either side of him. There's seven or eight 
of us in the room, and all of us raise our 
hands except Snow and the chaplain. 
“Well,” the chaplain says, "obviously 
we're outnumbered.” He indicates himself 
and Snow. *And obviously we'd rather 
you didn’t smoke. But it’s up to you." 

The rest of us purse our lips at each 
other and smile. It’s like this is some kind 
of test, where if we don’t smoke, it proves 
we could be good citizens or it’s a victory 
for the chaplain or something. This bird is 
pretty Mod Squad. He's trim, he's got a 
nice haircut, with the hair still down over 
his ears to show he wasn’t asleep back in 
the Sixties and Seventies. He’s wearing a 
fancy turquoise ring and a nice sport shirt, 
faded jeans, jogging shoes. He's got this 
look that says, “I’ve been there, too, baby. 
There and back. I know what it’s all 
about. We can talk.” 

The chaplain doesn’t even blink when 
Flanagan lights up. Were all thinking 
about the camera, wondering how to play 
this one. Flanagan lights nght up. The 
chaplain smiles. He takes another sip of 
coffee, then he leans to put his cup down 
оп the floor in front of him. He stretches. 
He puts his hands behind his head and 
bends over the back of the chair, shuts his 
eyes tight as if to say it’s already been a 
long day for him. He's had people in here 
before us, and he'll have more after we're 

(continued on page 118) 


“Is Wendy's precious Ronnie too busy to come to the phone just now?” 


t the time we met actress/Playmate Marina Baker, she’d just bought 
a flat in London. Marina told us all about her mortgage, her monthiy note, finance 
brokers, interest rates and how she saves most of what she earns. So, we ventured, 


we take it you're a British Yuppie. “I suppose I'm a Yuppie,” she agreed. “Тһе 


few Yuppies here are thriving more than most Sloane Rangers, meaning certain 


upper-class types who live near Sloane Square, a posh arca of London.” 


“My greatest friend is my mother, Margaret [above left]. She's a poet and she used 
to be a schoolteacher. Now she and I go riding together every Sunday morning.” 


At top: Marina is made up for her role as Nina іп a production of “The Seagull." 
96 


"m not a Sloane, but I’m invited to Sloane dinner parties. You know, ‘Marina’s an actress—she’s so amusing.” But 
I don't often entertain the Sloanes anymore since I've been in Forever Elvis." That's the long-running musical-theater 
production in which Marina plays Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. “And when I'm not acting, the time I have is not spare— 


it's used. I’m taking singing lessons, trying to find time to ride horseback and to develop a one-woman show.” 


"ve done things before that have been very camp, very feminine. I want my solo show to be hard-hitting, Maybe 
it'll be political—though I don't particularly want to be labeled as political. In the meantime, I'm really quite happy at 
the moment in my new flat with nothing to sit on as yet. I may not be a Sloane, but I honestly wouldn't want to change 


anything—except, perhaps, my nose. Not really—my nose and I get on quite well now. We've been together 19 years.” 


“When I visited the United States for my shooting, it surprised me that it was very much like American 
television shows. Га always heard it wasn't. People really do say, ‘Have a nice day!” So many people spoke 
to me. They asked things like, “Do you know Princess Diana?” Very friendly people. Amazingly so!” 


102 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY BYRON NEWMAN 


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fes FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE U.S.: Could) д" 


decent сор of tea, 


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Eralien Rose meand muy pony is Mor mel?! 
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PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


А horny American visiting Amsterdam was 
down to his last five guilders when he walked 
through the red-light district. Stopping one оГ 
de cia De MU Darai dh Auen 
Express?” 

“PII do it as fast as you want,” she replied. 


Billy Graham and Green Bay Packers coach 
Forrest Gregg were spotted shaking hands at a 
recent charity event. 

"Amazing," remarked an observer. “They're 
probably the only two men in the country who 
can each get 40,000 people in a stadium to rise to 
their feet, shouting, “Jesus Christ!” 


Mario, the underboss of the local Mafia family, 
agrecd to see the godfather about a job for his 
deaf-mute nephew, Carmine. The godfather 
decided that Mario's nephew would make a per- 
fect bagman, as he would be unable to hear or 
speak of the underworld's activities. 

A year passed without incident until one day 
the godfather summoned Mario to his favorite 
restaurant. “Your nephew's a nice bo x 
he said. "But his latest delivery is $150,000 
short. Mario, I'm sending Bruno with you to 
find ош how he made such a mistake." 

When they arrived at the young man's house, 
Bruno put a gun to Carmine's head and told 
Mario to ask his nephew what had happened to 
the money. 

“The godfather is willing to forgive you if you 
tell him what happened," Mario said in sign 
language. “Now, Be onen 
eyes popping in fear, Carmine signed 
back, “It was a mistake. ГЇЇ never do it again. 
The money's in a shoe box behind the furnace." 

“OK, what'd the punk say?" Bruno rumbled. 

“He said he doesn't think you have the balls to 
pull the trigger.” 


The soldier came home from a two-year hitch over- 
seas to find his wife with a new baby. Furious, 
he was determined to track down the father. 

“Was it my friend Allen?” he asked. 

“No,” his wecping wife replied. 

“Was it my friend Steve?” 

MEE 

“Well, which onc of my son-of-a-bitch friends 
was it?” he demanded. 

“Don't you think I have any friends of my 
cum?” she snapped. 


А farmer was intent on running off the couples 
using his property as a lovers’ lane, so one Satur- 
day night, he went out armed with his flashlight 
and a shotgun. 

At the first car, he knocked on the steamy 
window and yelled, “Неу, whadaya think yer 
doin’?” 

The girl in the back seat raised her head, gig- 
gled and said, “We're doing the rumba." 

“OK,” the farmer said, “just hurry up and 
move along.” 

The farmer knocked at the second саг. 
“Whadaya doin’ back there?” he yelled. 

“We're doing the tango,” came the reply. 

“OK,” said the farmer, “just move along.” 

At the third car, the farmer stuck his head into 
the open window and said to the two naked, 
gyrating occupants, “I suppose you two are 
doing the bossa nova.” 

“Oh, no,” replied the startled girl. “I'm doing 
him a favor.” 


Talk in publishing circles is of the debut of an 
entertainment magazine designed exclusively for 
married теп. It will look like other men’s 
magazines—except the centerfold will be the 
same every month. 


po 


А flashy showgirl married a 97-year-old mil- 
lionaire, largely in the belief that ае 
would never survive the wedding night. 

While her husband was in the bathroom, the 
woman slipped into a black-lace nightgown and 
struck her most seductive pose on the bed. When 
the old man finally emerged, she was surprised 
to see that he was stark-naked except for ear- 
plugs, nose plugs and a condom. 

“Why are you wearing those?" the startled 
bride asked. 

* "Cause if there's anything I can't stand," he 
grumbled, “it's the sound of a woman screaming 
and the smell of burning rubber." 


Heard a funny one lately? Send il on а post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ill. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


LAC cyan 


AE 


"Goodness, do you need all this money just to go skiing?" 


JUNGLE 
FEVER 


the safari look 
has never been һоНег 


fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


HE LAW of 
good design is not dissimilar 
to the law of the jungle. To 
survive, you have to fulfill a 
function. And function— 
along with good design—is 
what safari-style clothing is 
all about. It's the symbol of 
an adventurous international 
spirit. Indiana Jones and 
dile" Dundee are cine- 
matic Johnny-come-latelies 
to the bwana look, as anyone 
who's seen The Roots of 
Heaven and endless episodes 
of the Jon Hall Ramar of the 
Jungle TV series already 
knows. Yet they vc certainly 
contributed to the enduring 
popularity of the sun-ncver- 
sets-on-the-British-Empire 
clothes. And with sequels to 
both films rumored to be in 
the works, bush jackets, 
Bombay shirts, slouch socks, 
Forcign Legion jungle 

hats, sahib shorts, etc 
aren't about to fade away. 


Left: The urbane autback 
lock—a cotton photojournalist’ 
vest with 22 pockets ond a zip- 
front snap-clasure combinatian, 
$89, that's worn over a cable- 
stitch crew-neck sweater, $59, a 
cottan long-sleeved shirt, $20, 
and khaki-cotton shorts, $25, 
all by Banana Republic; plus a 
cottan round-neck shirt, by 
Gianfranco Ruffini, $48; санап 
slouch socks, by E. G. Smith, 
$8.50; waterproof insulated- 
leather work boats, by Timber- 
land, $120; ond a leather wrap 
watch, by Piri, New York, $28. 
Right: Home is the hunter in 
same great-loaking safari- 
inspired clothes, including а 
lambskin jacket, by Bill 
Kaiserman, about $1200; a 
rayon wark shirt, by Gene 
Pressman and Lance Karesh for 
BASCO, $64; Kenya pants with 
zip-off legs, $59, and a multi- 
colored cotton fringed scarf, 
$18, bath by Banana Republic; 
ond a leopard-print leather- 
band watch, by Pini, $28. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
ROBERTO ROCCO 


either 
is a chain of stores named 
Banana Republic. Started in 
eventies by Mel 
and Patricia Ziegler, Banana 
Republicis a retail phenom- 
cnon, with 66 outlets nation- 
wide, as well as a thriving 
mail-order business. The 
company's catalogs are witty 
and imaginative, and 
excerpts from them have 
been incorporated into the 
Zicglers' hardcover Banana 
public Guide to Travel & 
Safari Clothing, published 
some months ago, that chron- 
icles the couple's success 
while celebrating the adven- 
turous life (and the clothes 
you'll need to enjoy it) ina 
tongue-in-cheek Walter 
Mitty style. While Banana 
Republic keeps the adventur- 
ous spirit alive, the details of 
the clothes themselves also 
add to the romance. 


Left: Now, here's a rough-ond- 
reody fellow who's certoinly 
long in the tooth (tusk, octu- 
olly), ond we olso like the 
lengths he's gone to in his choice 
of outerweor—a ton silk trench 
coot with two potch pockets, 
obout $425, worn with o multi- 
colored viscose Cosoblonca 
comp shirt, about $145, and 
viscose/royon pleoted slocks, 
obout $175, oll by Byblos; plus 
о giroffe-print ponyskin belt 
with o bross buckle, by Al B. 
Arden, $116; ond a handsome 
pair of calfskin boots, by Suson 
Bennis Worren Edwords, $525. 
Right: A look thot's right out of 
Africo but never out of style, 
including o noturol-linen sofari 
jocket with epoulets, two flop 
pockets, button front ond o self- 
belt, about $180, plus noturol- 
linen pleoted slocks, obout 
$100, both by Willis & Geiger; 
о royon print shirt, by Pink 
Drogon, obout $75; and o 
brown-and-block cotton print 
tie, by Byblos, obout $42. 


were created by the 
to keep their bandoleers from 
slipping off th 
Baggy bush-jacket pockets 
are credited to the British 
са! place to stash trin- 
ated after a battle, 
And khak 
according to the Zieglers, 
can be traced back to ene 
Lieutenant Harry Lumsden, 
stationed in the Punjab in 
1846, who chucked his red- 
felt uniform in favor of dyed- 
tton pajamas and. thus, 
distinguished himself as the 
only comfortable Anglo- 
Saxon south of Liverpool.” 
That's the kind of detail that 
enhances the romance of 
Banana Republic. It also 
makes for sharp, comfy 
clothing. Remember, men, 
it's a jungle out there 
Adventure awaits. And so do 
stores filled with fashion 
prey. Bag yourself a winner. 


Left: Richard Halliburton, we 
presume? No, just а bwana who 
shares his taste in tropical 
threads, including a khaki sports 
jacket, $75, and white cotton/ 
linen slacks, $62.50, both by 
Yves Saint Laurent; а royon 
shirt, by Robert Lighton for Brit- 
ish Khaki, $4B; and a wool 
scarf, $16, ond pocket square, 
$4, both by Banana Republic 
Right: Twa for the adventure 
road. The chap at near right 
wears a linen/catton safari suit, 
by Bill Kaiserman, 5590; а vis- 
cose shirt, by Ideas by Massimo 
Osti far C. P. Company af 
Italy, $135; a cotton print tie, 
by Pink Dragon, about $17; a 
robbit-fur/felt hat, by Willis & 
Geiger, about $110; and a 
quartz watch, by Rabert Lighton 
for British Khaki, obout $325. 
His buddy likes a catton sports 
jocket, $295, plected slacks, 
$135, a catton shirt, $95, and 
a safari lapel ріп, $17.50. all 
by Reporter; plus a rayon fie, 
by Pink Dragan, about $20. 


116 


IF MARTY RECOMMENDED 


HER, SHE HAD TO 
BE GOOD 


FICTION 


By CHET WILLIAMSON 


need life, Marty. 
I псса life.” Frank Ames looked over the 
rim of his third gin and tonic at his friend 
Marty Green. “Christ, I’m forty and not 
getting any younger, I’ve been married to 
the same woman for seventcen years; I got 
three kids. ...” 

“I have somebody for you.” 

“Huh?” 

“A girl. When you going up to the city 
again?” 

“Two weeks.” 

“Good.” Marty pulled from his pocket 
the stubby pencil he’d used to score their 
match, smoothed out his cocktail napkin 
on the bar and scribbled on it. “Here.” It 
read, SHARON—815-8872. 

“This on the level?” 

“I kid you? She's the best I ever found. 
You want life, this is the lady.” 

Frank didn't wait two weeks to go to the 
city. Monday morning, he told his wife he 
had agency meetings both that afternoon 
and the following day. She drove him to 
the station, smiled and kissed him good- 
bye, not realizing that along with his 
clothes, he had packed the unopened bot- 
Че of cologne his daughter had given him 
last Father's Day. 

When Frank checked into his hotel, he 
brushed his teeth, then dialed (һе number. 

“Hello, Sharon Allison speaking. . . .” 
The voice reminded Frank of a Black Vel- 
vet billboard. 

“Uh, hello, Sharon. My name is Frank. 
Marty Green gave me your number.” 

“Oh, yes, he told me you'd be calling. 
He thought that maybe you and I could. . . 
do some business together.” 

God, this is easy, Frank thought. 

“Would you like to come over here?” 
Her voice dripped with lust, with the prom- 
ise of clandestine acts of indescribable 
whoopee. 

He was about to ask for the address 
when, amid thoughts of silky flesh, came 
creeping other thoughts of hidden cam- 
eras, blackmail, divorce settlements, law- 
yers. “Well, maybe it would be better 
here. I’m expecting some calls.” 

“And when would be convenient?” 


“От... any ti 
“Say in an hour?” 
sure.” 

“So tell me a little about yourself.” 

“Why?” 

“Well, I have to know what you want.” 

Frank thought for a moment. “The 
usual, I guess.” 

“The usual?” She laughed, a clear, bell- 
like sound that made the base of Frank’s 
spine sweat. “There аге so many ways to 
go, Мг....” 

“Ames.” He bit his tongue. He'd been 
[елиш to tell her his name was Smith, 

ut the truth had jumped ош of his mouth 
faster than a bad clam. 

“Мг. Ames. . . ." He had always thought 
his name was short, but her voice made it 
delightfully polysyllabic. “And I do want 
to work up something very special for you, 
since you're a friend of Marty's. Now. 
How old are you?" 

How old was he? Was she worried about. 
his heart, or what? “Thirty-seven,” he Ней. 

“Are you married?” 

“Uh. . . .” Why should I lie? Maybe 


there's a discount. “Yes.” 
“Children?” 


A Icading question if ever there was onc. 
“Oh, yeah.” 

E 

What the hell; he'd said sillier things. 
“Around the world . . . you know?” 

“Hmm,” she mused breathily. “That 
could be a little extra.” 

“No problem.” 

“Now, how about any illnesses?” 

Although it was an intrusive question, it 
made him feel relaxed. If she was so con- 
cerned, the chances of picking up anything 
from her would be very small. And Marty, 
as Frank knew, was a very cautious man. 
“Oh, no, I’m clean." 

“Oh!” She laughed again, and his tocs 
curled. “It’s so good to be clean. Just one 
more thing—do you smoke?” 

"Smoke . . . what?” 

“Cigarettes.” 

“мо” 

“Good. That'll make things much 
nicer. And less expensive, too.” 

Frank wondered if she were associated 
with the American Cancer Society or if 
she simply detested smoker’s breath. Ei- 
ther way, he was glad he had quit. 

“So,” she went on, “I’ll be there at six. 
Where are you?” 

He gave her the name of his hotel and 
the room number. 

“I assume you have everything we 
need?” 

Another leading question. “Well, I... 
should hope so.” 

“Fine. Then you'll be all ready for me 
when I arrive.” 

He frowned. “You mean . . . be ready to 
start as soon as you get here?” He realized 
she was a professional, but there were, 
after all, amenities. 


ILLUSTRATION BY OLIVIA DE BERAROINIS 


“Sure.” 

“Well, do you want anything to drink 
first?” 

“Oh, no, I really don’t like to drink on 
the job.” 

“Ah. T'I just be ready to go, then.” 

“Yes. Have everything out when I get 
there.” 

“Everything ош?” 

“Mmm-hmm. You know.” 

“Everything out.” 

“Right.” 

“Right.” 

“See you.” 

“Right.” 

There was a click, and she was gone. 
Frank sat thinking for a minute, then went 
into the bathroom, showered, shaved and 
splashed the Father’s Day cologne into all 
his cracks and crevices. There was no tell- 
ing what she might do, and if she was so 
concerned about smoker’s breath, he 
wanted to make sure he didn’t offend in 
any other way. 

Cleansed and anointed, he stood before 
the full-length mirror in the bathroom 
door and looked at his pink and naked 
body. Not bad for 40. He thought the two 
miles a day on the stationary bike had 
helped. He brushed his teeth again, sat on 
the bed and waited. 

At six o'clock, there was a knock on his 
door. He thought of getting up to open it, 
but romance and bravado overcame him, 
and he lay back on the bed, arranged him- 
self to his best advantage and called, 
“Come in, Sharon!” 

The door opened and she walked in, 
wearing a black dress that clung to her tall 
and slender body. Her face and form were 
so lovely that he didn’t notice the briefcase 
in her hand until she slowly moved it in 
front of her like a shield. 

He looked at her, she looked at him, 
neither saying a word. They remained like 
that for several minutes, giving Frank 
plenty of time to wonder what bizarre de- 
vices she might have in her case. 

At last he spoke. “Well,” he said, 
“aren't you going to say anything?” 

She swallowed heavily, and he became 
suddenly and horribly aware that the red 
flush in her checks was not merely healthy 
color. 

“I was going to ask,” she whispered 
huskily, her voice trembling, “if you 
wanted term, whole life or endow- 
mentes 

Sharon left ten minutes later. In her 
briefcase, along with the print-outs she 
had brought for Frank Ames, was a check 
for $900, the first of four quarterly pay- 
ments he would send to her company 
every year for the next two decades to pay 
for his $250,000 Flexible-Premium Policy. 

At least, he thought that evening on the 
train home, she had complimented him оп 
his cologne. 

E 


GETTING 


PLAYBOY 


118 


е 
М) (continued from page 92) 


“The chaplain leans forward; he’s so close to notch- 
ing up Peters’ soul, he can taste it." 


gone. “You're Flanagan, aren't you?” he 
says. Flanagan nods. “OK, Flanagan, you 
want to spread out some ashtrays?" 

Flanagan gets the ashtrays. They aren't 
real ashtrays, they're little cereal boxes 
with the fronts torn out of them, tin foil 
left inside so the cardboard won't catch 
fire. Flanagan sits back down and scoots 
the ashtrays across the floor at strategic 
intervals. Nobody else can tell whether to 
light up or not. Wc look from Flanagan to 
the chaplain, and we're still waiting for 
some kind of sign. 

"What it boils down to is this," the 
chaplain says. He sighs and shakes his 
head. “There isn't a man alive who 
wouldn't like to suck his own dick.” 

Everybody sits up except Flanagan. 
“There isn't a man in this room who 
wouldn't like to smoke his own bonc," the 
chaplain says. 

He stops to let the thought really sink 
in. 

Flanagan leans back in his chair. Some- 
thing's got his attention. He leans forward 
and rubs the whiskers on his jaw and 
frowns, staring. Then he smiles. Those оГ 
us who are smart enough start looking for 
what's made him smile. It takes whoever 
is going to get it a second or two to put it 
together, but by the time we do, the chap- 
lam is pretty much back to being just 
another chaplain. 

“we'd all like to fellate ourselves, but 
we can't, can we?" the chaplain says. “We 
can't suck ourselves ofl, because God 
didn't have that in mind for us.” 

175 great. It's a terrific opener, because 
they never cuss. It’s so rare a preacher will 
ever say a dirty word. And it's true what 
he said. Anybody that claimed he never 
thought of it would be a liar, So if Flana- 
gan hadn't noticed the chaplain's cup, 
then the chaplain would've pulled it off. 

The thing about the cup is, there'sa lit- 
tle picce of pink yarn ticd to it. 

We'd have all missed it; if Snow hadn't 
taken us through the same mental exercise 
earlier, none of us would have even 
noticed the chaplain and his cup, but now 
we're primed for it. First it’s like—hey? 
"What's the chaplain got? Then, just by 
looking at him, it changes. We can sce it in 
the set of his mouth and the way his head 
sits on his neck and even in the manicure 
he's got—in the soft, surgical cleanliness 
of his hands. It’s . . . what's he afraid he 
might catch? There's vermin slouching in 
and out of here all day long, right? A man 
could catch something. But a guy who's 
that fastidious . . . well, how could he ever 
put it together on his own that all of us 


have thought about sucking our own 
peters? It’s like he'd never come up with it 
оп his own, so it’s probably a borrowed 
line, It’s got to be a borrowed fucking 
line. 

“God didn't make us that way,” the 
chaplain says, “so no matter how much 
we'd like to, we can’t gratify ourselves in 
that fashion. But what we’re here to talk 
about today is how and why we're all in 
this particular room together, and what 
we may be able to do about that. 

“Come on,” the chaplain says, “how 
about somebody starting us off? How 
about you?” He indicates Braxton. 

Braxton’s chewing gum a mile a min- 
ute, grinning. He lights a cigarette before 
he spcaks. “I'm here because my ex-old 
lady says I got a little face off her 
scventcen-ycar-old daughter,” he says. 
“Which is pure crap. I never touched that 
kid. Now that ain't, uh, that ain't to say 
I'm perfect or nothing. I done some wrong 
things in my life, for sure. But being in 
here this time has really made me think. 
I'm... uh... I'm on the verge of getting 
it together. І mean, going to church on 
Sunday . . . all of that shit. Steady job, no 
more drinking, no more fooling around. 
“This time 1 think Гуе, uh, this time Гус 
damn sure seen it, you know . . . the 
light." Braxton leans back and cyes the 
camera over the chaplain's head. He nods 
at it once for emphasis. 

“бо ГЇЇ see you tomorrow, then,” the 
chaplain says. “At the service.” 

“Uh,” Braxton says frowning. He sucks 
оп his cigarette and cracks his gum faster. 
“That's right, Father. You, uh, you sure 
will. Unless . . . unless I was to get real 
sick or something, I'd damn sure be there, 
all right. The only thing. . . the only thing 
possibly could stop me is if I got real sick; 
then I might just lay іп my bed. But if I 
ever did have to lay up sick, I'd sure be 
praying right there. You can take that one 
with you to the bank, Father. I'd pray 
right there in my bunk and nothing could 
stop me. Wild horses couldn’t keep me 
from praying in that bunk. No, sir, Father. 
Га just buckle down and make the best of 
. Just go right on in spite of the sickness 
and pray my worthless heart out right 
there in that skinny old bunk.” 

“OK, that’s fine, that’s real good,” the 
chaplain says. “Now . .. how about you?” 
He looks at Peters. 

“Me?” Peters touches himself on the 
chest. “Ме?” he says again in a squeaky 
voice. 

“You,” the chaplain says. 

"I, uh. . . .” Peters sits up. “I’m here 


because of my wife,” he says. “It’s all her 
fault.” 

The chaplain frowns. “Why do you say 
that?" 

“Тһе dog," Peters says. 

"The dog?" 

“Yep. The dog.” 

"I don't understand,” the chaplain 
says. 

“Tt was the dog. That bitch. That cunt. 
If she wouldn't of let the dog out, like I 
told her not to, then the dog wouldn't of 
gotten runned over. And if the dog 
wouldn’t of got hit, then I wouldn’t of had 
to get drunk. And I wouldn't of gone driv- 
ing the truck on the road like I did. I 
wouldn’t of hit the car and the little kids 
wouldn’t be dead and I wouldn’t be in 
here, And now that cunt won't even visit. 
I been in here two solid weeks and she 
hasn’t even answered my phone calls.” 

“But here you are, aren't you?" the 
chaplain says. 

“Yep. Here Lam.” 

“So what are you going to do about 
Hen 

“Divorce her. I'm gonna divorce that 
bitch.” 

Everybody laughs except the chaplain 
and Snow. The chaplain leans forward. 
Snow puts his cup down between his legs 
on the waxed concrete floor. He sits up 
and covers his mouth with his hand. 

“Come оп,” the chaplain says to Peters, 
“think about it. Irs not her fault you 
crashed that truck. It's not her fault the 
kids are dead. Is it?” 

Peters looks exasperated. “I already 
told you. She let the dog out.” 

The chaplain shakes his head. “Check 
your heart, man. Think about it. Letting 
the dog out is not what killed those kids.” 

“The hell it isn’t,” Peters says. 

“Тһе hell it is,” the chaplain says. 

Peters frowns down at the floor. He’s 
told her not to let him out,” 
I told her once, I told her a 
thousand times. Now, what the hell else 
could I do? Huh?" 

“You could kneel down now and ask 
God about it," the chaplain says. 

“Huh?” 

“You could ask God for for 

Peters looks around the 
he whispers. “Іп front of everybod: 

The chaplain leans forward; he’s so 
close to notching up Peters’ soul, he can 
taste it. 

“I had a dog once," Flanagan says, 
abruptly. “Не was a razorback. Good 
nose on him. I was out driving this ridge 
once. Seen cat tracks crossing the road.” 
Flanagan leans forward. “Put the dogs on 
them,” he whispers. “Off they go. Slow at 
first. Then they start baying. I know 
they're on to something. Razorback is 
leading them, sec. I can hear him. I hear 
him just steam-rolling through that brush. 
I'm following them on foot, running fast 

(continued on page 146) 


'eness.” 
rcle. “Now?” 


` 
D 


— 
picem 
A 
s 
قت‎ 


ша 
= 


saure 
кал ы 
um 


а en 
| 


1. ВЕ ARENT many 


opportunities in life to say, “This is the 
best there is," but PLAYBOY'S restaurant 
poll comes close. In 1980, we first polled 
the nation's food critics, columnists and 
editors to identify the absolute best res- 


taurants in America; that list, revised in 
1984, stands as the grandfather of such 
rankings. The chefs and owners, an indi- 
vidualistic bunch, are said to regard 
them as the definitive selections in the 
restaurant industry. It is the only 
national ranking of American restau- 
rants based on an extensive survey ofthe 
most distinguished American food com- 
mentators— people who monitor both the 
latest trends and the finest enduring 
classics to determine the direction that 
American gastronomy is taking in 1987. 

Secret ballots were sent to more than 
120 experts around the country, who 


By 
JOHN MARIANI 


ж 
T 


120 


were asked to vote for and rank what they 
believed were the best restaurants in 
the United States, without regard to 
cost or location. Our critics were also 
asked to vote for a separate list of those 
restaurants within their own locality to 
help form our Regional Favorites list 
Those who candidly felt that they had not 
eaten around the country enough ab- 
stained fram voting for the top-25 list. 

As is apparent from the 
results, it is about as easy to 
remain on PLAYBOY'S list as it 
is to survive the cut on the 
Chicago Bears’ defense. 
While there is an encourag- 
ing number of veterans, 
many old-timers from our 
first two lists have been 
dropped (albeit sometimes 
by only one vote), while 
an interesting number of 
rookies—including опе 
open little more than a 
year—have been hoisted to 
a solid position. To make 
PLAYBOY's list at all, of 
course, is an extraordinary 
achievement, and in many 


* THE FOUR SEASONS 


NEW YORK CITY 


з LE BERNARDIN 


NEW YORK CITY 


* LE CIRQUE 


NEW YORK CITY 


might have looked like clones of one 
another—deluxe decor, heavy draperies, 
French cuisine and snooty captains. 
Today, our top restaurants are as different 
from one another as is imaginable, even 
when the cuisine or locale might dictate 
similarity. Thus, deluxe French restau- 
rants such as Le Francais and Jean-Louis 
at the Watergate bear little comparison in 
food and decor, except in their devotion to 


CRITICS' CHOICE FOR THE BEST IN '87 


LUTECE 


NEW YORK CITY 


ROUTH STREET CAFE 


DALLAS 


STARS "° 


SAN FRANCISCO 


MICHAELS" | 2 


LOS ANGELES 


‚American cuisine served at New York’s An 
‚American Place and the snappy California 
cockery at Los Angeles’ Spago 

Much attention these days is owed such 
young American chefs as Bradley Ogden 
(Campton Place), Barry Wine (The 
Quilted Giraffe) and Anne Rosenzweig 
(Arcadia), who have captivated both crit- 
ics and public with their imaginative 
transformation of American traditions and 
ingredients. In many ways, 
this has led to a streamlin- 
ing and simplifying of a 
French cuisine that—some 
feel—too long depended оп 
classic clichés and overly 
elaborate dishes to dazzle 
the palate. The more sensi- 
ble lessons of a tony nouvelle 
cuisine have been absorbed 
while its more extravagant 
aberrations have all but dis- 
appeared from good restau- 
rants, so that tastes are now 
purer, ingredients are better 
and menus tend to respect 
contemporary concern 
about too rich a diet. 

While there are only two 


cases there is a difference of 
only one weighted vote sep- 
arating two restaurants, 
especially those ranked 11 
through 25. 

We аге delighted to see 
thc reappcarance of numer- 
ous restaurants demonstrat- 
ing the staying power of 
classic cuisine and service; 
three—Lutéce, The Four 
Seasons and Commander's 
Palace—have maintained 
their pre-eminent positions 


AURORA” 


NEW YORK CITY 


AN AMERICAN PLACE "® 


NEW YORK CITY 


ШШШ 


NEW YORK CITY 


LE PAUILLON?° 


WASHINGTON, D.C. 


LERMITAGE? 


= CHEZ PANISSE 


BERKELEY 


5 [E FRANCAIS 


WHEELING, ILLINOIS 


TSPAGO 


LOS ANGELES 


* CAMPTON PLACE 


SAN FRANCISCO 


° JEAN-LOUIS 


real Italian restaurants— 
Felidia and Valentino—on 
our list, the influence of 
authentic Italian food on 
other restaurants has been 
significant pasta will read- 
ily appear on the menus of 
Aurora, Chez Panisse and 
Chinois on Main, and the 
use of ingredients virgin 
olive ой and sun-dried 
tomatoes is becoming as 
much a part of American as 
it is of Mediterranean gas- 


for more than a quarter оГа 
century. Then there are 
newcomers such as Le Ber- 
nardin, Aurora and Stars 
that have joined the select 
ranks within a ycar or two 
of their opening 

What strikes us most 
about all these restaurants 
is that each has such a dis- 
tinct personality behind it. 
In some cases, it is the chef 
(and often owner), such 
as Le Bec-Fin’s Georges 
Perrier or Routh Street 
Cafe's Stephan Pyles; other 
instances, it is the restaurateur whose ded- 
ication to both the kitchen and the dining 
room shows in every detail, from the 
superb cuisine to the professionalism of 
the staff. Restaurateurs such as Joe Baum 
at Aurora, Paul Kovi and Tom Margittai 
at The Four Seasons, Piero Selvaggio at 
Valentino and Alice Waters at Chez 
Panisse sum up all that is meant by savai 
faire and impeccable taste. Only ten years 
ago, the best restaurants in America 


WASHINGTON, D.C. 


"COMMANDER'S PALACE 


NEW ORLEANS 


"THE QUILTED GIRAFFE 


NEW YORK CITY 


"2 [E ВЕСНА 


PHILADELPHIA 


"> PAUL'S LOUISIANA KITCHEN 


NEW ORLEANS 


manifesting their owners’—Jean Banchet 
and Jean-Louis Palladin, respectively — 
personal style and imagination. The ele- 
gant ambience and Creole cuisine of 
New Orleans’ Commander's Palace is a 
180-degree turn from the down-home- 
luncheonette atmosphere and spicy Cajun 
cooking at that city's K-Paul's Louisiana 
Kitchen. And the Texas panache that 
characterizes the food at Dallas' Routh 
Street Cafe contrasts vith the refined new 


LOS ANGELES 


ARCADIA? 


NEW YORK CITY 


JAMS” 


NEW YORK CITY 


CHINOIS ON MAIN 


LOS ANGELES 


VALENTINO * 
LOS ANGELES 


tronomy. 

No Oriental restaurants, 
we're sorry 10 see, made our 
past two polls, mainly 
because, as our critics told 
us, Chinese, Japanese and 
Thai restaurants lack con- 
sistency from year to year. 

As we noted last time, the 
clout of the superstar chef 
has increased tremendously; 
exalted cooks such as 
Wolfgang Puck, Alice 
Waters, Jonathan Waxman 
and Paul Prudhomme 
merely have to add a new 
dish to their menu for it to be published in 
newspapers within days and adapted by 
other cooks within weeks. 

Menus change; not all the dishes men- 
tioned here may be offered when you go. 
But whatever happens in the years to 
come, PLAYBOY will be sure to monitor the 
excitement. For now, in 1987, 
these are the very best Amer- 
ica has to offer. Our con- 
gratulations to them all. 


аң 
E 
ай 


1. LUTÈCE 


249 EAST 50TH STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 
(212-752-2225) 


For Lutèce to take the top spot on 
PLAYBOY'S list for the third time in a row is 
achievement enough, but for it to do so in 
the face of such intense competition from a 
new generation of exciting chefs is truly 
extraordinary. Chef-owner André Soltner, 
a man wholly dedicated to the highest 
principles of French classicism, offers a 
cuisine that is both 
simple and wondrous. 
He always tries to do 
the least possible to an 
ingredient to bring out 
its essential taste, 
whether it’s quail in 
a sauce périgourdine, 
baby chicken cooked in 
Riesling or a tangerine 
soufflé. Soltner’s food is 
never fussy, never too 
rich, always light on 
the stomach and, 
although his basic 
menu seems conserva- 
tive, the ever-changing 
specials—such as а 
mousse of cod, zuc- 
chini blossoms (from 
his own garden) or the 
most perfect blueber- 
ries of the season 
warmed in puff pas- 
try—are exquisitely 
prepared. Such is the range of Lutéce's 
kitchen that you may go there for years 
and not get the same dish twice. The 
newly renovated premises of Lutéce 
аге equal parts deluxe formality and 
breezy familiarity, from the richly 
appointed dining rooms upstairs to the 
airy garden room downstairs. 
Reservations are still 


CAJUN TRIUMPH: 
PRUDHOMME 

WITH PRIZE FARE 
IN NEW ORLEANS 


tough to get—plan on calling a month in 
advance—but persist and you'll be amply 
rewarded. 


2. THE FOUR SEASONS 


99 EAST 52ND STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 
(212-754-9494) 


Since its opening in 1959, The Four Sea- 
sons has been the very model of the 
modern New York restaurant, from the 
urbanity of architect Philip Johnson's 
masculine design to the influential menus 


GRAND CLASSIC: NEW YORK'S LUTECE WINS TOP HONORS (AGAIN) 


that have helped define what is meant by 
the new American cuisine. The profession- 
alism of the staff —which is overseen by 
owners Tom Margittai and Paul Kovi—is 
finely attuned to every whim of a very 
demanding clientele. Its stirring feel of 
spaciousness, in both the handsome Grill 
Room and the shimmering Pool Room, 
and its appointments—including two- 
story windows behind a scrim of beaded- 
metal draperies, a glassed-in wine cache 
and some monumental paintings by 
Picasso, Frank Stella and James 
Rosenquist— make The Four Seasons 

the ideal rendezvous for such New 
York power brokers as Donald 
Trump, S. I. Newhouse and 

David Rockefeller. Seppi 

Renggli's austere 
cooking style com- 
bines a pas- 
sion for 


freshness with a desire for lightness—the 
beautifully roasted squab breast with figs, 
lobster risotto, perch in a marrow-and-red- 
wine sauce—and he is the pioneer of the 
low-calorie, low-sodium spa cuisine 
designed for customers who eat at Тһе 
Four Seasons five times a weck. 


з LE BERNARDIN 


155 WEST 51ST STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 
(212-489-1515) 


Few restaurants have ever opened to 
more instant critical 
and popular praise 
than Le Bernardin, a 
stunning dining room 
built at a cost of 
$6,000,000. Within 
weeks of its opening 
last year, it garnered an 
unprecedented four 
stars from The New York 
Times, and when 
PLAYBOY sent out bal- 
lots, votes tumbled in 
from critics all across 
the country, many of 
whom had dashed to 
New York to see what 
all the fuss was about. 
The reason for the 
excitement is the bril- 
liance of the cuisine 
prepared by chef-owner 
Gilbert Le Coze, whose 
Le Bernardin in Paris is 
considered one of 
France's great seafood restaurants. You'll 
be amazed by the quality of the fish here 
as well as by the refinement of the decor, 
with its 19th Century seascapes, blue-gray 
walls and teakwood ceiling. Even the most 
blasé gourmets are bowled over by such 
dishes as tuna carpaccio, black bass with 
coriander and basil, monkfish with savoy 
cabbage and halibut in a warm 
vinaigrette—reveries to be finished off 
with fruit sorbets or a selection of caramel 
desserts. Le Bernardin will run you $55 
before you order wine or tip the waiters, 
but you won't regret a penny of it. 


4 LE CIRQUE 


58 EAST 65TH STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 
(212-794-9292) 


The pre-eminence of Le Cirque (“the 
circus”) as New York’s high-society 
restaurant may for some obscure the 
fact that it also serves some of the best 
food anywhere. Classic but imagina- 
tive French cuisine with a few Italian 
pastas perfectly reflects the heritage 
of owner Sirio Maccioni, an urbane 
Tuscan who orchestrates his fashion- 
able clientele (continued on page 154) 


121 


122 


2О QUESTIO 


JS: BOB VILA 


the man who set america’s house in order defends vinyl siding 
and retires some old saws about rehabbing 


В” Vila, the host of PBS’ “This Old 
House,” pulled up the long drive to his 
very old and very large house in his vintage 
fire-engine-red Jaguar XK-E convertible. 
The car, a present from his wife, was in honor 
of Vila's 40th birthday а few days earlier. 
The house is a 125-vear-old Gothic revival 
in а spectacular locale hidden by woods and 
acres of lush lawn in the Jamaica Plain 
neighborhood of Boston. Vila directed free- 
lance writer Glenn Rifkin to the expertly 
renovated enclosed porch overlooking the 
swimming pool for their conversation. 
Despite nine years of continued renovation 
апа vemodeling, Vila is ready to build his 
dream house and move out of this imposing 
structure. “I hate the idea of leaving il,” he 
admitted, “because I hate the idea of 
somebody's not taking the kind of care it 
deserves. But I'm getting tired. It's so big. You 
want another glass of water? I have to walk 
100 feet to get to the kitchen from here.” 


PLAYBOY: Describe the house in which you 
grew up. 
vita: It would fit into this house six times. 
My father built it. It was your basic For- 
ties concrete-block Miami structure, with 
cypress beams and planks on the front 
porch. It kept on growing as I was grow- 
ing, and by the time 1 left for college, it 
had expanded to fill up most of the lot. I 
probably knew how to mix cement by the 
time I was ten. 


2. 
PLAYBOY: How did a south Florida Cuban 
end up in the Back Bay of Boston, renovat- 


ing houses for Yuppies and Brahmins? 

vita: Life is all connections: who you meet 
and where you go and who asks you out to 
пег. I came to Boston because the best 
friends I had made in the Peace Corps in 
Panama were going to school here. I fin- 
ished the Peace Corps at 22, and I was 
pretty sure that I did not want to make 
south Florida my permanent home. I had 
traveled enough to know that I wanted to 
live in a bigger, older city. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: Does your show inspire people to 
take on projects that they can’t handle— 
financially, emotionally or technically? 

vita: A type-A person is going to under- 
take something that he is incapable of han- 
dling regardless of whether or not he 
watches me traipse through a construction 
project. Hf anything, the program shows 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOHN GOODMAN. 


people that some things take а lot of time, 
money and talent to accomplish. We try to 
distinguish between whatis feasible for the 
amateur to attempt and what should bc 
handled only by the professional. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Did you gain TV 
through the service entrance? 
vita: I did not set out to be on television. It 
was just a coincidence that 1 got married 
and bought a wreck of a house in a very 
good neighborhood and a newspaper 
reporter pulled her car into the driveway, 
saw the renovation we were doing and put 
me in the newspaper. It was a further 
coincidence that a TV producer saw the 
article, came out and asked if he could 
shoot some video tape and interview me 
and then called back six months later to 
ask me to host a new show. I was the most 
embarrassed man in Boston after that first 
show went on the air. At the end of the sea- 
son, of course, we had an Emmy 


% 


PLAYBOY: What do you say when you whack 
your thumb with a hammer? And what 
does master carpenter Norm Abram say? 
vita: T stick to “Shit.” Norm probably has 
not whacked his thumb in a long time. 
Anyway, he's the kind of guy who doesn't 
say “Shit. 


stardom 


6. 


тлүвоу: How do you build soul and per- 
sonality into a house? 

уша: Do what you like on the inside and, if 
it’s an important piece of architecture, get 
advice on the outside. There's а current 
obsession with the English country house, 
and it’s painful to see people trying to 
achieve that look in a ranch house. 

Best is when people stick to being them- 
selves and live with things they like— 
weird things they've inherited and crazy 
things they've won at an amusement park. 
People should be honest about their sur- 
roundings and possessions and not create 
stage-sets for themselves. 


ТБ 


PLAYBOY: You've said that you are about to 
build your own dream house. What will its 
personality be? 

vita; Relatively informal. Here we are liv- 
ing in a house that is too big and is quite 
formal. We bought this house because it 
was practically a giveaway ten years ago. 
With five acres of land, it was like moving 


into a private park. Now we want to live 
on a smaller scale, and I'm starting to cre- 
ate my drcam housc. In my mind's eye, it 
has rocks and stones that I can gather оп 
the property. It has large timbers and slate 
and copper, the classic building materials. 
It does not involve any kind of fussiness— 
except, perhaps, for one formal room. 
We'll also have a big kitchen with a wood- 
burning stove and a huge table; at the 
other end, a fireplace and a TV, a place 
where the whole family can live together. 
That really appeals to me. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Explain your show's visit to 
Trump Tower. 

vita: That episode stands ош in 
everybody's mind, because we were look- 
ing at a $5,000,000 two-bedroom condo- 
minium; but that season, we also looked at 
log cabins, antique houses and floating 
houses in Seattle. Trump Tower was a fun 
place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live 
there. I like to be able to walk out my door 
and step on my ground. 


БА 


PLAYBOY: Didn't you feel that the place was 
hidcously overdone? 

vita: D was taken aback by the level of 
expense and degree of ostentation. I have 
been in the homes of many wealthy people, 
but I'd never gone into a house where all 
the walls were covered in silk and 24-kt. 
gold. 


10. 


muwBOv: What's the 
made in renovation? 
vita: The dumbest mistake is to put in 
$100,000 worth of renovations that price 
you out of the market. What good is it to 
buy a $75,000 house in a neighborhood of 
$100,000-to-$150,000 houses and then put 
$100,000 into it? 


dumbest mistake 


п. 


PLAYBOY: To viewers of the show, it some- 
times seems as if you turn over the difficult 
chores to Norm. Do you think that's a rea- 
sonahle impression? 

vita: Norm is there as master carpenter. It 
would he inappropriate for me to stand 
behind him, saying, “Now do this, Norm.” 
Tactually miss the stuff we build together. 
I remember four years ago, we built a set 
of kitchen cabinets, but in the past few sea- 
sons, we've all been too involved with real- 
life homeowners. On the show, my role 
continues to be (concluded on page 163) 


123 


т 


a hot young 
actress gives us 


ареек at her 


very best form 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STEPHEN WAYDA 


Janet's career highs 
so far are (from left): 
Debuting with Matt 
Dillon in the 1984 hit 
The Flamingo Kid, she 
strode off with eLavsov's 
Year in Movies cita- 
tion for Best Bathing 
Suit. In 1985, she 
stepped lively in 

A Chorus Line and 
sprang ahead in Amer- 
ican Anthem, oppo- 
Site Olympic gymnast 
Mitch Gaylord. 
Janet's off-screen 
love match, though, is 
with tennis ace Vitas 
Gerulaitis (right). 


S HER movie 


career Cinderella style, 
with a sunny-California 
twist, Janet Jones was 
lobbing balls over the 
net on the courts at La 
Costa resort when 
director Garry Marshall 
approached her. He 
saw a beautiful blonde 


with a marvelous body, 
just what he needed for 
The Flamingo Kid. 
“Сату walked over to 
me and said, 'I think 
youd be right for my 
new movie starring Matt 
Dillon." Janet still calls 
it a dream come true, 
grateful because she 


"never had to beat the 
pavements" but soon 
began to get phone 
calls about reading 
more movie scripts as 
well as about posing for 
Vogue and Harper's 
Bazaar. She wound up 
on the cover of Life. 
Anyone for tennis? 


At rest or romping іп 
menswear, says 
Janet, “the real me Is 
movement.” She also 
tells us she endorses 
the notion of “bring- 
Ing out your sexuality 
without going too 
far.” We say she's got 
it about right. 


G їп watching be- 


comes a subtle art 
when there's a Janet 
Jones to contemplate. 
Believe it or not, this all- 
American beauty insists 
she was chiefly cele- 
brated right through 
high school for her skill 
at softball. "The guys 
wouldn't start the game 
till | finished my dinner," 
says Janet, adding, `1 
guess І stopped looking 
like one of the boys 
when I was about 18." 
By that time, number 
Six in the Jones family 
line-up of seven kids 
had already traded her 
baseball cleats for 
dancing slippers and 
won a Miss Dance of 
America tile. She 
joined a San Francisco 
ballet troupe but 
decided that the rigor- 
ously disciplined life of a 
„ballerina was not her 
style. “I wanted more 
freedom, more fun . . . 
more time to be with my 
friends." So she moved 
to LA, got a job on 
(concluded on page 144) 


Seductively pensive 
in—or out of—the 
manly mode, but still 
getting next to her 
Calvins, this jazzy 
Jones girl recalls her 
igins as a tomboy 
Missouri, the Show- 
Me State. Putting all 
that aside (overleaf), 
our Miss Jones has 
clearly come a long 
way from St. Louis. 


132 


Е 
Dies AND ® 


WHY IT COSTS $10,000,000 TO RACE FOR THE AMERICA'S CUP 


article By REG POTTERTON 


OCEANS OF cash and high-security dementia 
have transfigured what was once a rela- 
tively low-key nautical spree between 
sporting amateurs into a rare and often 
ludicrous frenzy, the kind that inevitably 
results when corporate sponsors jump into 
bed with jingo loonies, tiny-brained yacht- 
club yahoos and seagoing rock stars—the 
generic label for 12-meter skippers and 
other key crew members. 

In the pre-1983 history of the America's 
Cup, the foreigners took their boats to 
Newport, Rhode Island, got soundly 
thrashed by the U.S. defender and went 
home to sulk, leaving the cup safe on its 
pedestal ar the New York Yacht Club, 
where it had resided for many happy, 
smug decades. Australia put an end to 
that in 1983, leading the U.S. yachting 
establishment to conclude that the end of 
the world was imminent and setting off a 
recovery campaign that has little prece- 
dent in any sport. Now the stigma of los- 
ing carries with it the enormous thrill of 
spending millions upon millions of dollars 
in the world's biggest floating crap game. 
It's been estimated that the current chal- 
lenge will produce a write-off of as much 


as $300,000,000, regardless of the result 
In 1977, when Ted Turner won with 
Courageous, cach of the three American 
boats entering the final selection trials had 
spent about half a million dollars. This 
time, $10,000,000 is a typical budget, and 
estimates for the heaviest hitters—the 
New York and San Diego yacht clubs— 
range from $15,000,000 to $25,000,000. 
The traditional motives for cup racing 
were honor, prestige and sailing suprem- 
acy; and while these high-minded con- 
cepts still have their place, other and more 
pragmatic forces have come into play. For 
openers, a billion dollars, which is the 
estimated revenue windfall for the host 
country. We want the cup back because 
it's got our name on it—so there. The Ital- 
ians want it because they'd like to make 
their part of the Mediterranean the 
world’s premier yacht-racing venue, and 
the Canadians crave it because it's about 
the only chance they have of forcing every- 
one else to race in their frigid waters. New 
Zealanders want it because, as the Aus- 
tralians" closest cousins, they'll do any- 
thing to annoy them, while the French 
want it because they're French and 


because they have ambitions for their 
stretch of the Mediterrancan. As for the 
Brits, who made the cup and lost it in 1851 
хо the black wooden schooner America, 
they'd like to get their hands on it 
because, dash it all, it was theirs to begin 
with; a joke's a joke, lads, fair enough, but 
gosh. And all six challenger nations and 
the Australian defenders have spent 
money as last as they could raise it, to the 
immeasurable benefit of the Australian 
tourist industry and everyone remotely 
concerned with designing, building and 
equipping 12-meter yachts. 

The boats themselves are compara- 
tively worthless after the race. A modern 
12-meter is too lightly built for heavy- 
weather sailing over long distances; it has 
no engine, no living accommodations and 
no crew amenities except for a plastic 
bucket for “used food." А 12-meter yacht 
is mainly a high-speed warchouse for sails. 
You can pick one up for a few hundred 
thou once the racing's over. 

Precise figures lor America's Cup 
expenses are impossible to determine. 
They're as jealously guarded as the secrets 
of 12-meter keel configurations, and 


Standing rigging: 


Once made of горе, then of wire, it was 
and is intended to hold up the mast 

Modern 12s use rods made of nickel- \ 
cobalt alloy. Riggers—once a breed of 

seagoing steeple jacks who worked with 

B.F.H.s (big effing hammers) —now talk ) 
about the “modulus elasticity factor’ and 

“the elliptical transverse.” Aerospace 

engineering and aerofoil techniques, in 

particular, play a major role їп rod-rigging | 
construction; and while the rigging still 1 
helps support the mast, it serves mainly. 

as a sophisticated tuning mechanism. 

With two sets of spares: $150,000. 


Sa ils: Canvas is history. Dacron's on 
„he wäy out. Nylon and Mylar are widely 
used for lighter sails, but the newest sail- 
cloth (for mainsails and headsails) is 
Kevlar, which is used for tire cord and 
bulletproof vests. Attrition is horrific— 
and expensive; figure about $23,000 for 
a main, $6500 for a spinnaker, as much 
as $16,500 for a genoa. A low-budget 
„operation will have a minimum inventory 
of 50 sails; one with deeper pockets car- 
.. — “ties 400 or more. Allowing for original 
research—computer time and design— 
and for spares, sail budget totals 
$1,500,000. 


Hul [ Except for the fiberglass New 
Zealand boats, all 125 in the current series 
have aluminum hulls and decks. The most 
critical stage in hull development after 


ance value. For this, putty 15 caked liber- 
ally onto the hull and then faired—or 
sanded by hand—dozens and dozens of 
times. Under the 12-meter rule, alumi- 
num hulls can be no thicker than 5mm 
above the water line, 6.5mm below, with 


design and construction is the fairing 
process—to provide optimum perform- 


Spars: The mast, the spinnaker 
ole al 


ind the mainsail boom. The mast js 
aluminum, while the rest are carbon filler, 
which weighs less. To further reduce 
weight aloft, some syndicates replaced 
stainless-steel fittings on the mast with 
costly titanium, achieving up to a 40 p 
cent weightsaving. Because masts may 
now be built more lightly than in the 
1983 сир series, breakages and md 


have been frequent, straining both cre 
and budgets. Spars and their spares: 
$250,000. 


Hardware: sust about eve 


fixture on and belowdecks is made of 
expensive metal: stainless steel, alumi 
num, titanium, nickel-cobalt and other | 
big-ticket platings and alloys. Hardware 
ranges from the tiniest nut, bolt and 
washer to the steering system and rudder 
The two major winch-grinding systems 

(for sail control) cost about $50,000 апа 
$20,000, respectively. The six-part 
hydraulic installation that tunes the rig 
costs about $50,000. In all: $200,000. 


reinforcement layers where necessary. 
New Zealand's fiberglass hulls were in 
excess of 30mm thick. A U.S. protest 
against the Kiwi hulls failed from lack of 
support. Figure the hull (including keel) 
between $400,000 and $550,000. 


Electronics: Nautical nerds 


have become the new gurus of 12- 
meter-racing exotica. Complex on-board 
omputers integrate information from 
nventional electronic instruments (wind 
locity, boat speed, course, etc.) and 
her data to provide a “wind history” 
at is transmitted ashore for instant anal- 
then stored for future tactical guid- 
e. Other gimmicks: a device that 
zi ures distance to start line and a laser 
Running N ment still in development that reads 


12 needs close to 3000 fee Vind direction upcourse by analyzing 


ient of dust particles. A California 
to landlubbers). Sheets are th fate that rented a Navy computer 
an sails; Kelvans (from Рај more computer hours оп hull 
yard) hoist sails up the mast; aftergu \ eis 
control spinnaker poles. Most of the [han the Navy spent designing 


оп a 12 is Kevlar; some lines are all Kevla ў en ost any whee fiom 


some are wire spliced to Kevlar. The 

wire costs about $1.50 a foot; Kevlar, 
two dollars a foot. Some syndicates 
replace all of it daily. In the 1983 cup 
series, a sailmaker boasted that the four 
boats he supplied used enough line to 
teach from Newport to Los Angeles. Run- 
ning rigging for three full sets: $20,000. 


Kee The Australians introduced 
the revolutionary winged keel, which 
took the America's Cup in 1983. All mod- 
ern 125 now have winged-keel shapes of 
varying configurations, some more radical 
than others; all use good old-fashioned 
lead to provide the needed weight. The 
advantages of winged keels over conven- 
tional shapes are threefold: They provide 
greater stability, reduce drag and improve. 
the boat's performance when sailing 
close to the wind. Five of the six American 
syndicates іп the current challenge had 
their keels built by a California firm that 
by early 1986 had received orders for 20 
winged keels, each of which required 
about 400 man-hours to build. Cost: an 
ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEPHEN L. DAVIS average of $40,000. 


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body ever knows what the final tab will 
be, because equipment replacements dur- 
ng the race can easily run to six figures 
before the meter stops. Moreover, some 
equipment and services are donated by 
sponsors and manufacturers in exchange 
for promotional tie-ins. On the basis of 
nlormation from a current challenger, 
however—one whose budget was slightly 
less than the magic $10,000,000 
© compiled the cash breakdown that 
follows. Anyone curious to know why it 
costs so much to campaign a. 12-meter in 
the America's Cup need look no further. 
Our figures (which are composites that 
reflect only minimal outlays in some ca 
with allowances for spares im certain 
categories) are culled from numerous 
12-meter authorities, including sailmak- 
ers, builders, sailors, equipment suppliers 
and research experts, as well as one of the 
world’s foremost naval architects. In the 
best tradition of the 12-meter game, every- 
one asked for anonym 


experim 


with hull shapes without hav- 
ing to build a complete model each time. 
The designer works on a range of boats for 
testing, design and wind-tunnel testing of 
keels, rescarch in hull, keel and spar mate- 
rials, construction methods, rigging and 
sail development. He also collects data 
from existing 12-meters. For this, he and 
his team receive about 20 percent of the 
total R-and-D cost, 


URAN 


For oflices, docks, boats, equipment, 
cars, housing and an Australian base team 
of about 50 personnel. including 11-man 
racing crew. 


CREW 


Most syndicates remain coy on the sub- 
ject of crew pay, though one defender esti- 
mates that ten percent of its $10,000,000 
budget goes for wages. Some rock stars are 
in the six-figure bracket, with promises of 
fat bonuses for winning, plus incentive 


‘Trimmers (green) and grinders (pink) control soils; sewermen (dork blue) ond mostmen (groy) stow 
and supply soils; the helmsmon (orange), the toctician (light blue) and the novigotor (red) form the 
afterguord; the bowmon (purple) has ће riskiest job, often works oloft. Except for the ofterguard, 
others in the 11-mon crew may be deployed elsewhere while racing, especially during scil chonges. 


DESIGN. RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT 


Generally the biggest single expense in 
meter racing, our $2,500,000 figure 
may be tripled or quadrupled for the New 
York and San Diego syndicates. which 
produced more designs and more boats 
than any other challenger. More than half 
of the total gues for tank testing (at $5000 
a day) and model building (56000 10 
$15,000 apiece). The big spenders will 
test for as long as 18 months, work- 
ing in the tank for one or two weeks at a 


time, evaluating the results and 
returning for another series. The 
themselves are normally used for naval 


developm 
re located in California, New Jo 
4 and England. The Hydronautic Ship 
Model Basin at Tracor Hydronautics in 
Laurel, Maryland. is about 415 feet long, 
25 feet wide and 13 feet deep; it has a full- 
time tank staff of about 15. The models are 
about 20 feet long and are usually of mod- 
шағ construction to allow the designe 


© 


packages of real estate, cars, boats. As an 
Australian sponsor said in the summer of 
1986, "If you pay peanuts, you get mon- 
keys." There is по connection. between 
this statement and the fact that mastmen 
and grinders—the strongest men on rac- 
ing boats—are known as gorillas. 

irs the grinders who provide the raw 
muscle that makes а 12-meter Ну. Whi 
ever the boat tacks (changes direction), 
their job is to winch in the headsail so that 
it picks up the wind from the new course 
without losing a foot of headway. It's like 
working a high-speed treadmill, except 
that it’s done by hand on a steeply canted 
moving surface th. often half sub- 
merged. When they're not grinding, 
they're pumping water out of the hull or 
helping with sail changes; and when 
they're not doing that, they're gettin 
ready for the next tack. Like everyone else 
who works the deck, they're also busy try- 
ing not to be washed overboard. 

What kind of people are grinder: 


When a Fremantle pub staged ап arm- 
wrestling contest before the present series 
started, one of the New Zealanders broke 
the arm of an Australian rival. 


PRACTICI 


PROGRAM 


ncludes costs of con 
boat to practice site, gear rep: 
replacements, crew accommodat 
lowances, clothing, food and travel. 


"TRIAL HORSES А 


UD TENDERS. 


Secondhand 


meters against which 
the main boat is tested and powerboats 
used for towing, supply, rescue and 
mobile-communications missions. 


‘TRANSPORTATION 


The cost of shipping the boat from the 
home country to Australia; also includes 
the cost of a crane for lifting the boat on 
and off its trailer. 


AD? 


ISTRATION 


Office stall and rental, travel, equip- 
ment, consultants. 


FUND RAISING 


s includes everything from setting 
up public photo sessions (give a buck, get 
ned picture of crew with boat) to 

zing $10,000-a-plate send-off parti 
and buying media space to enlist support 


AUSTRALIAN CAMPAIGN 


This covers all costs while a challenger 

is down under, including ad: а 
boat and materiel transportation within 
alia, crew housing, food, travel, dock 
shops, small-boat operations 
ily sailing cost of about 


$1000 per boat. 
THE FUTURE 


To quote journalist Mike Royko: “If 
rich people want to spend their time and 
money proving which of them can sail a 
yacht fastest, that's OK. But I wish they'd 
stop trying to convince the rest of us that 
what they do is a matter of national pride 
and a potential boon to our economy 

A lot of people might agree. But the 
cup is one of the few remaining inter- 
national contests—the hardest testing 
ground of any sport. That counts for 
something at a time when it seems to have 
been proved beyond any reasonable doubt 
са 
half-wit: that an 
American baseball or football team will 
ever meet a Soviet team, the possibility 
can't be ruled out that one day, the Rus- 
sians will challenge for the America's 
Cup. Or the Libyans will. Like us, they ve 
got their share of sailors; and, like u: 
they'd be facing the same problems— 
wind and water. And, like a lot of people, 
they'd probably rather be sail 


137 


PLAYBOY 


138 


OKKER CHIC continued fiom page 82) 


“All you had was an hour after work to down the 


amber nectar. The Six ОС 


Лоск Swill, it was called.” 


You might just find a few throwbacks at 
the Silverton Pub outside Broken Hill, 
and you'd be all right in Tibooburra. But 
you'd be buggered in Sydney. Tim Bris- 
tow's cating quiche 

‘There was a time when just the drop of 
Bristow's name sent icy Chopin up and 
down your spine. When this free-lance 
thug turned race-horse trainer turned 
detective walked into the Newport Arms, 
th was a hush. Heads turned. Grown 
men—six-footers, — 200-pounders—went 
weak at the knees. It was like а volcano 


just took a seat at the bar: You could feel 
the heat, hear a deep, subterranean rum- 
bling, sniff the sickening, sulphurous 
fumes of sheer unadulterated terror; it was 
just a matter of time before he'd blow. 
Some numbskull with a skinful would put 
s young manhood on the 
his mates and pick a figh 
Hammer! This was what Tim liked, what 
he was good at, what he was famous for. 
Bristow in full cry was the most vio- 
lent human being I have ever seen. Now 
he sits in the sunshine, nursing his belly, 


wre 


rane 
MATE wen D 


“Anyhoo, there I was, at 37,000 ж. the bird 


on autopilot and my hands up th: 


stew's shirt, when who 


walks onto the flight deck but the regional 
director of the FAA!” 


thinking about all the things he'd like to 
do to Bo Derek, drinking LA beer. 

A is a market 
sissy piss with scarcely a trace of alcohol, 
but if you don't want to get banned for 
years if the police flag you down on the 
Parkway, 

has the lowest, mc 
breath-test fail score in the non-Isl 
worl he sniff of a cork and y 
the limit, and $50 won't help—these days, 
a traffic cop costs four figures. 

It’s all part of the Ulterior Agenda, the 
grand plan to detoxify the society. They 
say they want to save lives, but what 
they're really doing is laundering the sap, 
physically wringing the booze out of the 
blood and reprograming the national 
genetic inheritance. For years, on all the 
indexes, the number-one expenditure in 
the average little Басет? household budg- 
et was booze. 
опа, and then you'd get down to food and 
shelter. But booze was where the money 
gallons of it, lakes and occans of 
ng middies and schooners of KB and 
DA апа Tooth's Old and Toohey's New. 

Before the rot set in, before the Ulterior 
Agenda took shape, the pubs closed at six 
pm, so all you had was an hour after work 
to down the amber The Six 
O'Clock Swill, it en the big 
hand got to five, everybody would drop 
everything and stampede for the pub and 
start sinking schooners. Just getting to the 
bar was like fourth down and inches. You 
either had to launch yourself, Marcus 
Allen-like, over the pile-up at the line of 
scrimmage or get down low and duck and 
dive and burrow and elbow and somehow 


it’s the only way to 
nest 


ure over 


a close sec- 


worm your way near enough to scream at 
the barmaid. The noise! The roar! These 
places would hold 200 or 300 thirsty Ok- 
kers, all shouting at the top of their voices, 


bawling in one another's faces, get 
drunker and louder by the minute 

At 5:30, when the pub was so full you 
couldn’t move an inch and the air was full 
of smoke and noise and B.O., the late- 
More and more peo- 


22 


comers would arrive 


ріс, till the clock’s hands crept round to 
45 and the very” 


this sea of jabbing fi 
ing frantically in the air and heads pogo- 
ing up and down and a noise that killed 
fish underwater, a roar like the Super 
Bowl in an eggcup. 

When the pubs closed, the streets filled 
ith wild cries and the gutters ran with 
chunder. Legless drunks 
up the street, barking at the pavem 
caroming off the buildings and the pla 
glass, crawling on their hands and knees 
the last few yards to their cars, fumbling 


full of money w 


ne staggering 
t, 
te 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result їп Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


LIGHTS: 10 mg. “tar”, 0.8 mg. nicotine, KING: 17 mg. "tar". қ 
13 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by FTC method. mt. 4 


54477 


$ 
8 
8 
8 
2 
H 
$ 
E 
% 
в 


t takes. 


سد 
ex , — Г e 1 /‏ 
SIETE SUD uiris,‏ 
SUED G2 ra | EL LS CU.‏ 


PLAYBOY 


140 


for the keys, spilling cha 
these totally blotto conver: 

“PI be buggered.” 

“You'll be lucky.” 

“Fuckin? dickhead. 

“Who's a fuckin” dickhead?” 

“Who d'you think?” 

“Don't you fuckin’ call me а fuckin? 
dickhead, you fuckin’ dickhead and so 
on. Totally bloto, they'd crawl into the 
„ shut one eye and drive home. There 
were only two ways to drive home in d 
condition: dead slow or flat out. Flat out, if 
you hit something, you had the momen- 
tum. Dead slow, limping along at 20 miles 
per hour in third gear, there was the dan- 
ger you'd forget where you lived. that 
you'd blink and fall aslecp suddenly. 

You have to go a long way to find a pub 
in Sydney in 1987. The Newcastle and the 
Brooklyn have been knocked down to 
make way for the skyline. АП the pubs 
have been turned socictics— 
just to save a few miserable lives. 

They've got the numbers to prove it. 
Since the Ulterior Agenda took root, with 
front and back seat belts and breath tests 
and big concrete ramps in the middle of 


nto build: 


don't change for so long you've got time to 
read the Mirror, since the arrival of LA 
and detoxification, the number of people 
killed on the roads has fallen off a lot. 
Days go by without a decent prang. 

The big right-hand bend on the Wake- 
hurst Parkway—the main drag from the 
beach to Sydney—was so famous for 
head-ons and total write-offs that it used 
to draw a crowd. All these ghouls would 
picnic in the stringybark trees, waiting 
for the next scecrreeeeech of brakes, the 
hkaarrrrruunnnch of metal as another 
North Shore boy ina TR4 with twin cams 
hit Kamikaze Korner blind drunk and flat 
to the boards. 

Road accidents were the daily bread of 
the Australian popular culture. Without 
the Wakchurst Parkway, you might never 
have heard of Rupert Murdoch. It wasn’t 
tits and ass and garrotings and scalpings 
and air conditioners falling from the sky 
that sold Murdoch's Sydney Daily Mirror, 
it was these fantastic front-page pictures of 
twisted steel and burning rubber and tell- 
tale pools of black blood, followed ир 
ide with all the grisliest details— 
hospital shots, the fatherless kids, the 
limbless girlfriends, the weeping widows, 


“You certainly did call me a jerk. Let's just check it 
on the instant replay.” 


the grieving mums. You people in New 
York think the Post is cheap? You think the 
London Sun and the News of the World 
lower the tone? You should sec the Mirror, 
where it all began. 

This may not seem so important to you 
Paul Hogan fans. You may think it a wee 
capricious to decry the passing of 
multicar pile-ups and drunken brawling 
and grown men on their knees being sick 
in the street. But English-speaking white 
Australian culture was hatched in the 
pubs. It was rooted in drunkenness. The 
jokes, the songs, the poems of Henry Law- 
son, The Man from Snowy River and 
The Sentimental Bloke, the language and 
the who-gives-a-root-she’s-apples Rogue 
Okker insouciance that was the blood and 
guts of Okker Chic were born in the box 


democracy of the Six O'Clock Swill. Aus- 


tralia on low-alcohol beer is like а car 
without gas. It just sits there looking 
good. 

But LA was only half the story: There's 
the wog channel, for instance. Channel 
0/28, ethnic TV, is only serving its audi- 
ence when it puts out all these Egyptian 
soap operas and Iraqi sitcoms and wacky 
zero-rating Herzegovinian folk-dancing 
shows. When Okkers refer to the immi 
grant population that now numbers more 
than half the country as reflos, 
they talk of Maltese and Greeks and 
Cypriots and Kurds and Calabrians 
and Lebanese and Serbs and Croats and 
Montenegrins and Herzegovinians and 
Shi'ites and Sunnis and bewildered 
Salvadorans as dagos and grease-cating 
turd burglars, they're only joking. These 
people have done wonders. 

They've taught the mob how to са 
pasta and quiche and falafil. They've 
brought violins: You can hear Mozart and 
Mendelssohn 24 hours ay on FM. 
They've raised the tone. They've certainly 
taught the economy a few tricks. Middle 
Europeans, wily Hungarians and plaus 
ble Poles with a flair for green mail have 
built huge conglomerate empires. 

And oh, my, those Chinese deals! Nine- 
teen ninety-seven isn’t far off, and all the 
shrewd Hong Kong money's flooding into 
Sydney, but you've got to understand the 
way the Chinese like to play the game 
They always give you room to take un! 
advantage, a certain latitude to steal. This 
is to scc what you're made of. If you don't 
steal anything, they're not interested. If 
you steal too much, the 
less. But if you're devious enough, if 
you've read Confucius and you steal just 
the right Confucian amount, then you're 
in business with the best and the sky's the 
limit. The Chinese like buildings, and they 
© them big, with all the lights on. 
^re sinking untold zillions into the 
yline. Not to mention our, ahem, Japa- 
nese friends: All the Hitachi personnel are 
quictly colonizing the garden suburbs. 


when 


couldn't. ca 


They have made the соц 
What Okker malconten! 
pesti 


y prosper. 
are mutte 
t want to be 
sonnel at the 
Half the population 
hardly even speaks the same language. It 
was funny to start with. There were books 
about the pratialls of a newly landed 
migrant from Italy. The first cappuccino 
machines drew a crowd just to watch them 
steam and h 

What began in the Sixties is now past 
thc post. Nobody talks about New Aus- 
. 105 bad taste and it's 
ls arc in charge. 
The little battler has lost the plot. As the 
known world was rewritten be 
eyes along brighter, more TV. 
and the new hybrid society shrugged off 
doctrinal mediocrity and surrendered to 
the dizzy delights of status envy—the 
extra leg room in Clipper Class, the fault- 
less engineering of the 280SL, ctc 
social ladders sprouted like oil rigs, the 
indigenous white English-speaking culture 
retreated into truculent pockets of resist- 
ance, with small cells of paranoid men 
and women clinging to the wreckage A 
few of the boys started putting some of the 
more inflammatory graffiti into effect and 
beating up boat people, who struck back 
ny kni 

This is the unacceptable face of Okker 
Chic, the creepy paranoid streak that 
came out of the closet when Australia won 
the cup. This is the sharp end of flag- 
waving national pride. It peaked at the 
11th hour, just as the tide was turning and 
the little battler and all he ever stood for 
was left standing on the shore with his 
pants rolled up round his ankles, shal 
his puny fist at the ocean. Okker Chic, 


as 


with sl 


this sense, offered a last Ning, a last dehant 
before 


adolescent. rapture the 


came down for good 


сипа: 


bliss—a lot like Ca 
obvious drawb. 


homes, big 


d you can still 


pools, plenty of Po 
live your whole 
Champagnes dirt cheap. The surf's big, 
the oysters are good. the sun shines, the 
yachts come and go on the harbor, the 
op'ra house . There's money to 
burn. If it reminds you of somewhere 
else— Sausalito, perhaps, or Marbella or 
the Hamptons—if the Ozone looks like 
l'errace at the Cannes Film 


this is it As Ok 
ized world and al 


Chic sweeps the ei 
Australian has to do is open his mouth 
and eyes light up all round the room, 
here's a memo to all you Paul Hogan 
fans—you missed it. Tough luck. It’s all a 
dream, Irs not there anymore. Tim 
Bristow eats quiche. 


I you're а friend of Jack Daniel's whiskey, raise a glas or two. 


ON JACK DANIELS BIRTHDAY most folks 
like to bake a cake. 


Some of our employees gather 
= in che office Mr. Jack built 

=| when he started our distillery 
© in 1866. And down at 

| Î Mary Bobo's boarding House, 
Margaret Tolley has chocolate 
= cake for everyone at 
her cable that day. No, we never serve 
Jack Daniel's Whiskey on these occasions. 
(Lynchburg, you see, is dry) But we 
hope the law is more lenient where 
you work or live. And that, come 
March 25th, you'll find time to 
raise a glass or two. 


SMOOTH SIPPIN’ 
EIN ESE АШ КАЕ 


Tennessee Whiskey=80-90 Proof=Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery 
Lem Motlow, Proprietor, Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352 


141 


GETTING THE JUMP ОМ STARDOM 


Donna Keegan, 26. can't figure out what's toughest about her soon-to- 
be ex-job—the anonymity or the danger. When she drove the speeding car 
that chased after Tom Cruise in Top Gun, it was Kelly McGillis who got 
the credit. When she was tackled by Robert Redford in Legal 
Daryl Hannah got all the sympathy. Did anyone care when Keegan was 

shot oll a cliff for K; apshaw in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? 
When she was mac unned and broke three ribs in Scarface? 1075 по 

ne of Hollywood's top 


agles, 


wonder Keegan is retiring, giving up her status 
stunt women, to becomc— what clse?—an actress. “I guess Pm getting 


r. "I'm even 


out of my tomboy stage,” says the former world-class di 
starting to dress like a girl.” Was she envious of the actresses for whom 
she'd doubled? Is the Pope Catholic? "Sure—Tm the one who's being 
dragged along the street by a car, but you hear her voice saying. ‘Oh, по!” 
At least in acting, the only thing that gets bruised is your 
ego.” Her cgo gets its chance in this summer's 
Robocop. “For the first time, I walked 
onto a set and wasn't worried : 
about going home with a м” 
broken bone,” she sigh: 
SL felt relieved. 
SM MANNA 


TEARJERKER Pop-and-soul heartthrob 
Freddie Jackson, 28, almost made a 
highly premature stage debut His 
rnother—his very pregnant mother—was 
оп stage singing Gospel. “And during the 
middie of her concer, she went into 
labor. Luckily, there was а hospifal just 
around the corner from the concert hall. 
Thats why people like fo say that I was 
born to sing.” Jackson grew up in a Gos- 
pel household; his mother is a Gospel 
singer, as was her mother before her. 
Balking at such a heritage, Jackson went 
to business school—and became 
а 100-word-per-minute typist. At night, 
though, he began to sing at small clubs— 
until he was noticed one evening by 
Melba Moore, who told her manager to 
check Jackson out, The result was а pair 
of number-one soul hils—Rock Me 
Tonight and You Are My Lady—several 
Grammy nominations and an end to 
Jackson's career as a typist. “though | 
guess | could always go back to it if all this 
falls арап” His most important lessons 
about singing, Jackson likes to stress, were 
learned in church. "Thats where you 
really want the audience to feel what 
youre singing about. If you don't make 
them cry, you aren't doing anything. Now, 
when | sing a ballad or a love song, | look 
for fears in people's eyes That's my seal of 
approval.” — MERRILL SHINDLER 


STAR ALE 


DAVID SEELIG 


Í BREWS IN 
| THE NEWS 


As a photographer, Bill Owens, 18. 
produced an odd book called Subur- 
hia, a cult classic filled with some very 
| offbeat photographs of some very 
ordinary people. As a beermaker, 
Owens is doing virtually the same 
thing—he's en a very ordinary 
beverage, brewed it in ап offbeat 
manner and come up with some 
highly select, idiosyncratic beer. How 
about pumpkin ale, made with 
mashed pumpkin? Or a beer he calls 
Tasmanian Devil, because it’s made 
with Tasmanian hops? But don't go 
looking for Owens” beer at your local 
supermarket. This is truly “designer 
чы. Ый beer, sold only in his own Brewpub 
(Owens! registered э Bill's Brewery in Hayward, С 
fornia, just southeast ol San Francisco. It's one of a growing number of 
ies that have recently sprouted around the country, in states 


enun a » 
where the sale of beer brewed on the premises is allowed. “We're part of a 


: E 8 ‘ ANCHOR’S AWAY 
general revolution in society,” says Owens. “Ten years ago, you walked 


and there was nothing bur air bread. Now, there's all- His humor's sly and dry. His take on current events 
would make your high school history teacher scream. 
He's Saturday Night Live's Dennis Miller, and his 


GEORGE LANGE 


microbrew 


MECHELE CLEMENT 


into a supera 
grain, seven-grain— everything, The beer revolution is on, too, and о 


message is that for the first tim сап sit to a beer that's de a a 
cious, with a floral bouquet of hops. Its distinctive and different. You “ШЕ Кр ож М netto ПЕ есігі аа 


don't get that in big-brewery American beers." — MERRILL SHINDLER witty look at the week in review. Miller, 33, has not 
only brought pointed political gibes back to S.N.L., 

he's also added an attitude, a hip smugness not 

unlike David Letterman's. “I just want to look confi- 

ч Т glib at home, because this is show business and you 

My skull is too flat, my have to jack everything up a couple of decibels so peo- 

ears stick out, my mouth ів ple know you're doing something, but the perceptions 

ema Ehren le КИТ) home there's no variance." Miller, who writes most 

i A of his own material, began developing his sarcastic 

Beate Deles apren take on world events in the late Seventies in comedy 

clubs in his native Pittsburgh. He moved to New York 


dent behind the desk—like | belong,” he insists. 
too big and my belly too are the same. My stand-up, me at the desk, me at 


of herself. But critics 


who've seen the 2l-year- but wasn't ready for it: “1 had to fuck my life up a little 
old in Betty Blue, the more, | guess." He returned home, honed his act and 
highly praised French tale got a series of odd jobs, finally landing a spot as host 
of erotic obsession, com- of a local kids’ TV show. That on-camera experience 


gave him the confidence to move to L.A., where his 
appearances as a club comic first drew raves and 
attention. Even with his success on S.N.L., Miller is 


pare her to Brigitte Bar- 
dot and Marilyn Monroe. 


“She is a challenge to still a regular on the club scene, to perform or just 
the rules of beauty,” hang out at spots such as New York's Catch a Rising 
says director Jean- Star and, during off weeks, L.A.'s The Improvisati 
facques| Bene she “I'll always do stand-up. That's what | do, 


s > explains. “I don't drink, I don't do dope. There are 
zas ошеа ans times when | can't unwind at night, so 1 go to a club 
the gift of God —the and tell jokes. It cools me out.” ERIC ESTRIN 
camera loves her. 
RANDALL 
FLEMING 


* 1985 HELMUT NEWTON /SYGMA 4 |i 


PLAYBOY 


14 


JANET JONES 


(continued from page 128) 
"TV's Dance Fever, acquired an agent and 
began doing commercials for such prod- 
ucts as Kodak, Shasta cola and Wrangler 
jeans. 
"The stroke of luck that led to her role in 
“lamingo Kid came about because she had 
aken up tennis with actor 
Van Patten. Their four-ycars-plus rela- 
tionship ended about the time Janet went 
into A Chorus Line. The film didn't fare so 
well, either, but Janet recalls it as “а Га 
tastic learning experience," noting that 
she also remains good friends with Nels. 
In her code of cheerful fatalism, what hap- 
pens is most likely what's meant to be. 


What happened next was her major role 
as a gymnast in American Anthem. “To do 
it was thrilling, even if the movie as a 
whole didn’t really work out. Seeing 
myself up on a screen thal much, my first 
real starring part, was a little scary, a ter- 
rific responsibility. Thank God 1 saw it 
with Vitas, and he was proud of me, 
because he knows I give all Гуе got in 
whatever 1.40.7 

Now settled into an 
Gerulaitis 


gagement to ten- 
nis star they haven't set a 
wedding date yet— Janet calls her off-the- 
court courtships pure coincidence. “I 
wasn't ever a tennis fan. Until I met the 
Van Patten family, I didn't even know 
how to keep score—though I did meet 
Vitas once, when I was 17, and had an 
instant crush on him.” 

‘That crush took years to blossom. Once 
known—not unlike his close friend John 
McEnroe—for his volatile behavior dur- 

ng matches, Gerulaitis is “‘semire 
from competition, devoting himself to 
business, to bicoastal romancing of fair 


Janet and to a charitable youth foundation 
that bears his name. “People always loved 
him because he was so colorful on the 
court,” Janet notes. “In private, he's fun 
and very giving—a great guy with a heart 
of gold.” 

Before Miss Jones officially becomes 
Mrs. G., both agree there’s much to do. 
“We definitely want a family, but we have 
to get our careers going first. Um up for a 
couple of new movies. Vitas plans to open 
a tennis camp in cither Delray Beach or 
Malibu. And we'll be deeply involved 
together in a wonderful club һе just 
opened in Dallas, called Pasha. It's 
clegant—a sort of disco for socialites who 
like to dress up but not as wild as thc 
Hard Rock Cafe, right down the street.” 

Meanwhile, they're commuting from 
Dallas to his Kings Point mansion on 
Long Island's North Shore and to Janet's 
Los Angeles loft and making numerous jet 
stops in between. Discussing her PLAYBOY 
appcarance over lunch on a rainy after- 
noon in New York, Janct smiles. “Му 
mother’s worried, of course. But so far I’ve 
been very fortunate in my choices. Choos- 
ing thc right men, the right friends, the 
carcer moves that have turned out best for 
me. Pm happy, I'm lucky, but I don't 
plan that far ahead—except that when I 
was a little girl and hated cleaning my 
room, 1 always told my mom that some- 
day Га have а maid.” Now, of course, she 
can allord one. Will success and domestic 
help spoil Janet Jones? Probably not, 
according to her own footnote: "Last 
night, I was doing Vitas washing and 
ironing when he came in and said, "Well, 
this is a sight for sore eyes." And so she is. 

— BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


BMW 325: CONVERTIBLE 


(continued from page 85) 
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to rest. An important consideration when 
you're at light speed on the autoroute 
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and a Porsche 930 wants to pass. 

When the 325i gets to the States this 
spring, it will immediately become ап 
automotive cupcake, the car for which 
Yuppie bankers will hock their Rolexes. 


They won't drive them, but they'll give 
them пісе homes. The car deserves better. 
It's a muscular driving delight. It does the 
things you'd expect a BMW to do, only it 
does them faster and crisper. 

The engine is a 2.5-liter six with 12 
valves that run up and down the геу 
counter like a small Italian four. The seats 
are firm and the dash looks Spartan, but 
the good stuff’s all on board (cruise, air, 
central locks, cassette, antilock brakes, 
etc.). German cars seem to be at their best 
when you give them their heads on twisty, 
mountainous roads. This open-air BMW 
is no exception. The car stays flat and 
firmly bonded to the road, and with thc 
top down, you get a much better view of 
the scenery — which, in France on a sunny 
day, is the only way to travel. 

The top itself is ingeniously balanced 
and counterweighted so it slides up and 
down with ease. How ingenious? you ask 
Try this: The rear section doesn't have to 
be snapped, clamped or buttoned. It just 
stays there, held in place by a lateral rod, 
secure and waterproof. The convertible 
top's fabric has three layers, designed so it 
won't stretch or rot. The bcarings in thc 
rods that hold the top in place have Teflon 
inserts so they'll function smoothly for- 
ever. You want more? lt takes about 25 
seconds to get the top up—from first latch 
opened to last latch closed. Honest. About 
20 to get it down. You do have to stop the 
car and stand alongside to slide the top up 
or down. The Bav: i 
that problem. 

Are there any negatives? Sure: The 
steering gets a little light above 80 miles 
per hour; there's not much rear-scat leg 
room; there’s going to be a waiting list 
(the cars were sold out in England before 
they actually went on sale); and, at about 
$30,000, the 325i isn’t cheap. There are 
also some neighborhoods where you won't 
want to leave it unattended, Then again, 
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146 


ERPIES 


SD (continued from page 118) 


“What's so funny?’ the chaplain says. ‘Me? Im 
laughing at your notion of God,’ Snow says.” 


There goes razorback, roooo, 
тоооо, гоооо.” Flanagan throws back his 
head to imitate the howling. He sits up. 
“АП of a sudden, it’s quiet," he says. He 
snaps his fingers. “Right now it's quiet. 
Too quiet. I th Uh-oh, trouble, Some- 
times nothing is the worst sound you can 
hear, you know? Sure enough, 1 find him 
in a draw. Belly's split. Guts hanging out. 
He's just laying there real quiet and still. 1 
take my T-shi nd-new white 
T-shirt, I take it offand wrap it around his 
belly. I get some water from the creek, I 
splash his guts a litde to clean them. Push 
"em back inside. Tie my T-shirt around 
that belly y him to the truck real 
Slow. Son of a bitch weighed sev- 
ighty pounds, too. Long way to the 
n home, laid him down in 
a shot of penicillin, 
put some of that Ыис қоор оп the gash. 
Wrapped him up. Boy”—Flanagan 
shakes his head, chuckling— "you should 
have scen him whimper when he saw that 
needle. He knew he was going to get a 
shot, He knew what that needle 
ant." Flanagan eyes. “Well,” 
he says, finally, now that dog 
liv days without 
mo 


went on. And that was the quickest dog 1 
ever saw to catch a coyote." Flanagan 
snaps his fingers. “He'd be оп a coyote 
like that. Never would kill him, though 
He'd just stop him and sniff him, then let 
him go “ Flanagan shakes his 
head. "Never could get him to kill a coy- 
otc. Used to make me sooo mad. Furious. 
Finally, I gave him to my brother, Brother 
said he could make that dog kill coyotes. 
Knew fora fact he could. Well, he thought 
he could. but he never did. He shot him 
instead. Got so mad at that dog for not 
killing covotes, he shot him. Oh, he never 
told me that, of course. Told me the dog 
just disappeared one day. But I know 
damn well he shot hi 

We all sit there blinking. It’s li 
gan cast a spell on us, took us а 
second 

“The chaplain frowns 


4 


Flan: 
fora 


"What does that 


have to do with what we меге rapping 
about?" he says. 
“Well Flanagan rubs his eye. “It 


reminded me of that dog.” 

The chaplain turns to Peters and con- 
siders him. [1 doesn’t quite seem lil 
Peters is ready to pray anymore. "Look, 
see me after this hour is up, OK? Will you 
do that?" the chaplain says to Peters. 


“I would like you to know from 
the beginning, Miss Keller, there are certain things 
about myself I am unable to discuss." 


Peters looks around the circle. Finally 
he nods at the chaplai 

“Good.” The chaplain claps his hands 
together and beams at the rest of us 

Snow laughs. 

What's so funny?” the chaplain says. 

“What are you laughing at?" 
Me? I'm laughing at your notion of 
iod," Snow sa 
What do 


* the chaplain 
say: 


You think God looks like 
БА ры | а 


us, don't 


lain says, pissed 


Snow says, “if God 
does look like a man and if God just sat 
down and made all of this up off the top of 
His head, then God is an asshole.” 

The chaplain blinks. Snow drops 
hand from his mouth. The chaplain 
looks at the floor. “I don't quite follow 
you,” he says. 

“How could you?” Snow says. 

“Lay the chaplain 
recovering, leaning forward agai 
willing to try.” 

“На.” Snow glances around the room. 
Nobody can look him in the eye except the 
chaplain. 

“Come on, man,” 
nowhere to go but up.” 

Snow shrugs 

“You keep it 
sure," the chap 
limes over. For eternity. 
tion for you. Th 
opposition wants." 

“Оһ, Jecesus now groans and shakes 
his head. The opposition. As though life 
a football game. 
Hell, son, go ahead.” 
He's leaning bac 


it on me, 


5, 
^п 


? he says. "You've got 


ll you for 
. "A thousand 
I's the oppo 
actly what the 


їз e 


Flana 
r, legs crossed 
and arms folded, head laying slecpily to 


іп his cha 


one side, smoking a fresh cigarette, rub- 
bing his whiskers with the hand holding 
“Man might have a point 

Snow looks at Flanagan. 

“Ahem, a-he-he-he-em!” Braxton clears 
his throat. He jerks a shoulder toward the 
camera. 

Fuck that camera,” Flanagan says. 
There ain't nobody on the other end of 
that thing but Sergeant Hobe 
way, and if he ain't reading d 
he's probably got his eye over on Six." 

“What's Six?” 

“The women's.” 
smoke 
to Snow. 
good.” 

Snow 


Peters says. 


Flanagan blows a 
ng. “You go ahead, son," he says 
pit it out. Probably do you 


around the 


lool 


room again. 
"Then һе turns to the chaplain. He has to 
work at getting the words started, but 
when they finally come, the 


rush. “She was beautiful, 


come in a 
says, 


now 


| 


Discover where todays 
smokers are heading. 


= || SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
E Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


PLAYBOY 


148 


shaking his head. “She was as nice a 
woman to look at as Гус ever seen. She 
was a brilliant actress. She was really, 
really good. Me, too; l'm an actor, I 
mean. Not great, but I worked at it. But 
she was something else. Exceptional. She 
was very sensitive and she had . . . like, a 
lightning rod for feelings. And | loved 
her. For her acting, first . . . then later just 
because. Just because in the beginning 1 
didn't know any better and once you give 
yourself over to that, well, it stays. 

"So we werc living together. We tried 
out for leads in the same play. A local 
thing. Short run. But she got hers and 1 
didn't get mine. I got асса out by 
Just in from the Coast, right? Just made a 
movie. They know his name. 

“Бо she's out for rehearsals and I'm sit- 
ting at home, broke, looking at myself in 
the And Higgins, everybody 
knows his name. 

“She was fragile in bed. I had to handle 
her with so much care . . . so gently. 
She .. . she could never come in the usual 
way. I don’t know why. I don't know what 
it was. But . . . if I wanted to lift her up 
there, I always had to go down on her. I 
had to give myself over to it completely. I 
had to play her softly. with absolute con- 
centration, or I couldn't take her away. 

“OK, I loved her, right? It was what I 
ive her. 


two-l 


mirror. 


I сап tell someth 
g there, right? You can always 
tention. But what 
am I supposed to do—rant and rave? It's 
not my stylc. 

“We never talked about it. One night, 
we're in bed together and I can tell some- 
thing's bothering her, and I decide the 
best 1 can do is her away. She stops 
те. She says, ‘No, don't. Don't do that.’ 
And [ miss it completely. I tell her not to 
worry, 1 tell her it’s all right. It doesn't 
matter. It simply docsn't matter. And she 
believes me. She gives in, she lets me. And 
I do it. I take her away and that’s the las 
time. The next day, she's gone. . . ." 


Snow starts to cry. "She was too weak,” 
he says. “АП she needed was the strength 
to tell me and it wouldn't have mattered. 
If she'd just stopped me, I wouldn't һауе 
cared. Even afterward . . . all she had to 
have was the strength to face и. But no. 
She's gonc. Packed a bag and went. 

“I kept thinking it was me. For a week, 
I worried about her. Then I get these . . . 
these twinges all around my face. Then, а 
couple of days later, this." Snow indicates 
. “Then I don't care whether I 
find her or not. I put it together. The 
twinges. She knew something was wrong, 
but she was too weak to face it. She didn't 
want to tell me she'd been screwing 
Higgins. Then, the next day, she gets her 
first outbreak and realizes what it is. She 
knows she'll probably have given it to me, 
too. She can’t handle it—she knows it 
means my career—and she splits. 

“Ten days she’s gone, and then she 
calls. She isn't brave enough to walk 
through the door. 

“Listen, she says. 

Listen, hell,’ I say. 

"You've got it, then . . . you have it,’ 
he says. ‘I gave it to you." 

“Me, I can’t make myself speak. I'm 
trying to say something and E can't. 

“Where?” she says. "Where is it?” 
“I close my eyes. I still can't talk 
“I'm coming over,” she says. 

**No, I say. ‘Don’t come. Wait dll it 
goes." 


“Oh, my Ged,” she says. 
“And she hangs up the phone. Now, 
те... you've got to understand . . . I'm 


trying to grasp it. How can 1 work? How 
can Lever love anyone again? They say it's 
only contagious just prior to and during 
an outbreak. But they're not sure. They 
waffle. No one will say when it’s guar: 
teed you're safe. So if she could give it to 
me unknowingly, then why couldn't I give 
it back to her or to anyone else without 
even knowing it? I don't even have to fuck 
anybody. All I have to do is kiss them. 
Drink out of the wrong glass at the wrong 


“Secure in the knowledge that my 
tax bill will be appreciably lower next year, Га 
like to buy you a beer.” 


time. Most people, it’s no big deal, right? 
They have a few outbreaks or just one or 
none at all. But me, J get this. The out- 
breaks keep coming, one alter another. 
nd no one can tell me why. Why is it me? 
You know what they say? I take it too seri- 
ously. I worry about it too much. Shit. IfI 
idn't have it, I wouldn't worry about it, 
would I? You have to understand, ¡ús my 
life. It's my work. How could I ask for a 
part, knowing that at any time it could 
nail me again? They'd have to stop shoot- 
ing. If it was a play, Га have to cancel out. 
So what could be worsc? You tell mc. How 
could it get worse?” 

Snow looks around the room. We shift 
uncomfortably in our chairs. Nobody сап 
say a word. 

“They fish her out of the river," Snow 
says. "That's how. They fish her out of the 
fucking river!" 

Snow boots his coffee cup across the cir- 
cle. Coffee spills all over the floor. The сар 
clatters to a stop two chairs over from the 
chaplain. Snow's voice fills the silence, 
but now it's just a whisper. 

“She ran her fucking MG off the fucking 
bridge," Suow says. "An accident? You 
tell me. Explain that onc." His face twists. 
Не nods to himself as he runs the last of it 
down. “Зо we do the funcral. Wc have the 
funeral, and my first outbreak has passed, 
and then the second, and then the third. 
Months go by. I’m sitting at home, drink- 
ing, watching TV. Going to the movies. 1 
don't see anybody. There's nobody I want 
to see. І go out when it's OK, I sce some- 
one, I keep thinking of the next time it 
won't be ОК. Sooncr or later, it's going to 
1 mc again. 

“Then I see Higgins. I meet him on the 
street, outside the theater. I ask him. How 
long has he had herpes? How much of a 
problem for him? He takes it in. I can 
see him adding it up. Standing there 
watching me, addin 
the gall to tell me it’s no big deal. ‘Every- 
body has it these days,” he says. ‘You get 
it, it's bad for a couple of years, then it dis- 
appears. No problem. It’s no sweat.’ And 
just from the way he says it, I know he 
never told her. He never said a word to her 
about it. Not one fucking word. He had 
herpes and he knew it and he gave it to her 
just so he could fuck her. “No sweat,” he 
says. He knows he gave it to her and to 
тас. And he knows I know, and he tells me 
по sweat. So I drop that cocksucker right 
there and 1 beat his fucking brains out on 
the curb. And ГИ tell you something—if | 
had it to do over again, I would do exactly 
the same thing. And if there is a God and 
He's up there watching this and He looks 
just like you and me, and everything that 
happens is something He made up for a 
test if that really is what it's all about 
and He actually can control it all but just 
won't... if H weird that He has to 
let it all happen so we can prove to Him 
how much we love Him in spite of it, and 
then He's going to make it up to ив... 
we'll just say we're sorry every day and 


it up. Then he has 


5 


tell Him we love Him, then when we die, 
He'll scoot us on up there to heaven . . . if 
that’s how it works . . . then He can kiss 
my ass." 

Snow breal 
ing. 

The chaplain shudders. He jumps up. 

"No, man. No, no, no. Don't you sce? 
You've got it all wrong. All of you. Can't 
you sce it? You. Your herpes ts nothing. 
What's herpes? There are a thousand dis- 
eases you could have that are worse than 
herpes. All of you. All your afflictions . . . 
all the afflictions оп carth are nothing 
compared to what's in store if you don't 
come to God. Don't you see? God is your 
only hope. It's been written! The Bible, 
man— that's where it is. What else would 
we have if not for 
our God, for our 
faith? But God has 
left it to us to 
choose. We "e do 
take the first step. 
We have to give our- 
sclves to God. And 
if you don't . . . all 
of you"—the chap- 
lain slams a fist into 
his open palm with 
cach — phrase—“if 
each and every one 
of you won't take 
that first step, then 
youre — doomed 
You're lost." 
Shit" ^ Snow 
says. "What can 
God do lor me now? 
Get me probation? 

The chaplain 
can't believe it 
"Don't you scc и?” 
he cries. “Look at 
you? He turns 
around the room. 
Look at 
selves, 
you? 


5 off and sits there quiver- 


уош- 
Where arc 
Where have 
you come without 


Him? You’re on the 


brink, and still 
you're blind. You'll 
never know what 


God can do lor you 
until you open your hearts to Him. A 
man’s faith . a man’s faith can move 
mountains. Herpes. Ha! Jesus was cruci 
fied on the cross for that herpes of yours, 
for those children of yours, Peters; 
foryour perversity, Braxton; for the weight 
of your conscience, Flanagan . . . Jesus did 
it long ago. And all you need to gain His 
forgiveness is the guts! All you nced is the 
balls to get down on your knees in this 
room, with me, right now, and ask Him 
for it! ГИ show you! ГЇЇ go to my kne: 
this minute, and if there's 
тап in this room, he'll join me. .. . 
“Hold on a minute, there, ch 
Flanagan's up. "We don't necd all this 
shouting," Flanagan says. He squints at 


another 


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the chaplain. “If He's there, He'll hear us 
all right, We ain't gonna need to be jump- 
ing up and down, shouting and carrying 
on, for Him to hear us. There’s enough 
fuss in this world as If we're all gonna 
have to get down on our knees, we might 
as well do it in a calm and sober fashion.” 
Flanagan sighs. “Now let’s just set here a 
minute and have a real quiet cup of coffee 
to settle our nerves before we go any fur- 
ther. Here, ГЇЇ buy this round.” Flanagan 
stoops to get the chaplain's cup. “Апа... 
uuuuhh! Oof! Snow, Ull get you one, 
too." 

Flanagan drags Snow's cup out from 
under the chair. There he stands in the 
center of the circle in the puddle of spilled 
сойее in his shower slippers. “The rest of 


in finer nests 
everywhere. 


WILD 
TURKEY 


you want to just sit still and shut your 
aps for a while,” Flanagan says. “If 
we're gonna let this chaplain lead us down 
onto our knees, we ought to do it like men. 
We ought not to do it’—Flanagan’s left 
the circle; he's talking over his shoulder, 
real slow and easy—“we ought not to do it 
like a bunch of hysterical school kids. If a 
man's going to set out to talk to God, then 
he might as well try and do it with a clear 
head” —Flanagan is back, standing before 
the chaplain—“and there's nothing . . . 
there just ain't nothing in the world like a 
nice, hot cup of coffee to clear a man's 
head for him. Here you go, Father. Now 
you just wrap your hands around a cup of 
this good ОГ java and set yourself down 


and lead us in a moment of silence, for 
starters." Flanagan is staring at the chap- 
lain and the chaplain is staring at the 
cups. Flanagan holds both cups cut to the 
chaplain, asking him to pick which опе he. 
wants. And the chaplain stares at those 
cups like they're a couple of 8 x 10 snufi 
photos, Because Flanagan’s taken the torn 
piece of sheet off Snow’s, he’s taken the lit- 
tle piece of pink yarn off the chaplain’s, 
and now they're just two yellow cups 
Looking at the chaplain, you can sce the 
wheels spinning. 

What he'd like to say is “No, no thank 
you. I don't want any coffee." But then 
Flanagan would say, “Why, sure you do, 
chaplain. Why, a man like you has just got 
to have so much faith that he'll damn ncar 
leap ош of his 
britches at a chance 
to demonstrate the 
strength of that 
faith. Why, the pos- 
sibility of getting 
herpes . . . that little 
trifle wouldn't mean 
shit to a man іп 
cahoots with God. 
Would it?” 

You can sec the 
chaplain working it 
out. If he says no 
thanks, Flanagan 
will have him. Or, 
worse, hc might 
even get on the outs 
with God. 

If he's going to 
keep saving souls 
this jail, he’s got to 
take onc of the cups. 
And the hell of it 
is... he better not 
flinch when he does 
it. All he can do 
now is reach for one 
of those cups and 
hope the hand of 
God puts his own 
hand on the right 
опе. 

And that's 
he does. Не takes 
one of those cups 
and sits down. Then 
Flanagan hands the other cup to Snow 
and gathers the rest of the empties. He 
tanks them up and passes them out. And 
all that time, the chapla staring at 
Snow’s mouth. He’s trying not to, but he 
can't stop. 

And Snow isn't covering his mouth any- 
more. He's just drinking coffee 
ing Flanagan. Watching the ch: 

Flanagan sits down, and he's watching 
the chapl. 
the chaplain, and the chaplain is suddenly 
watching Flanagan. He's not watchir 
Snow anymore, he's watching Flanagan. 

At last he takes a drink, Then another. 
Looking at him, you know yourself that if 
it was you, you'd want to put your mouth 


what 


149 


== 


ARSS 


a 


X 
D 


конАачнта 


Si 
i 


S 
S 


ed 


ve never encounlere 
stament." 


pars as an allorney, I 
standard last will and te: 


уе 


from the 


74 like to say that in thirty 


egin, 1 


а more interesting departure 


we be 


“Before u 


150 


on the tiniest spot you could, But he can't 
even do th 

And suddenly we're all holding our 
breath, watching it. It’s like it's a movie 
nd they don't have a ceiling on the set 
па the camera zooms up out of the room, 
out of the building, out of the city. 

Here's one man sitting in а room full of 
men, in a building full of men, in a town 
full of men. The room is still, but the rest 
of the world is busy; no onc else is watch- 
ing. Here's a man sitting in a dingy lit- 
tle room, drinking collec out of a plastic 
cup. 

Is God watching? 

And you know. . . . That little son of a 
gun polishes off the entire cup without 
flinching. 105 prim. But he doesn’t blink 
and he Не drinks her 
down. 

So now we're really on the edge of our 
chairs, and the big question is just ringing 
through that room: 

Is God watching? 

And finally the chaplain looks at Flan 
gan, and the chaplain looks at Snow, and 
you can see it: He's going to slide off his 
chair and lift his arms and call out to 
Jesus. 

The chaplain looks at Flanag 
even Flanagan is on the edge of hi: 
He is staring holes into the chaplain 

The chaplain swallows onc last time. 
Then he looks at Snow and shuts his 
eyes. Then he stands. He leaves the 
circle. Looks up at the camera 

"Guard," he says. Then louder 
“Guard. Would you come in here, ple 
On the double.” 

The chaplam stands there with his back 
to us, facing the door. 

Pretty soon, the lock slams open on the 
steel door. The guard enters and the chap- 
lain leaves without a word. The guard 
shuts the door behind him 

“Whar did you assholes do to the chap- 
lain?" the guard says 

A collective sigh runs around the room. 

“I said, What did you assholes do lo the 
chaplain?” 

“Nothing,” Flanagan 
went to wash his mouth out.” 

“What?” the guard sa: 


doesn't wince: 


s. “He just 


"He's went to wash his mouth out,” 
Flanagan says, 


‘and it’s a damn shame, 
too. 


n looks at Snow. 3ot to hand. 
it to him, though, don't you?” Flanagan 
shakes his head. “That little son of a bitch 
almost hung it out there, didn't he?" Flan- 
agan snifls and shakes his head again. 
“Damn shame. You know, if he'd just held 
ов. . . well, hell, Га have got down there 
and prayed right with that kid.” 

Flanag: 
he smiles wryly, almost sadly, at Snow. 
“Yep,” he wl pers. “It would have been 
a good experiment, wouldn't И?” 


El 


n nods slowly to himself, then 


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PLAYBOY 


LIONEL RICHIE (continued from page 62) 


"If you have a little problem, get a lot of money and 
the little problem becomes a big one." 


either me or your 
— because the woman always loses. 
PLAYBOY: So if push came to shove 
RICHIE: I wouldn't want to even tl 
about it, and I hope I never have to face 
that choice. That decision would tear me 
apart, 

PLAYBOY: Since so much of your married 
life revolves around your career, does your 
being the center of that universe become 
tedious for you both? 

RICHIE: Yes. There ағс days when even / 
get enough of me! Sometimes I just O.D. 
on “Lionel, your album; Lionel, your 
album cover; Lionel, what about your 


tour? Lionel, what about the ticket 
reservations?” —it’s the L.R. crunch. 

PLAYBOY: What's the best part of success? 
RICHIE: Tasting control. This is hcaven up 
here. Гуе built a little sanctuary that 
allows me to live with my family but also 
be separate from them when I want to be. 
I сап go out into the night in my car and 
gather information, come back here, stay 
up till morning and slecp all day. That's 
what I mean by control. There's no such 
thing as standard today; I can create my 
life just as I create a song. I own my 
time—but the money is spooky. Money 
doesn’t erase problems. I always hear peo- 
ple say, “ІГІ ever got enough moncy, all 


“We're all out of blackened redfish. How about if we 
Just burn you a nice herring?” 


my problems would go away.” Not true. 
What money docs is magnify what you 
arc. If you have a little problem, get a lot 
of money and the little problem becomes a 
onc. A little bit of fame and fortune 
сап actually drive you into the nuthouse. 
PLAYBOY: What drives you nuts? 

RICH! oing into a supermarket and get- 
ting clobbered with attention at the egg 
counter. 

PLAYBOY: And when you're compared with 
songwriters such as Cole Porter, Paul 
McCartney, John Lennon and Irving Ber- 
lin, what do vou think? 

RICHIE: One night recently, I had a co 
sation with Tina Turner. She said, 
know, for the longest time, Lionel, I 
guilty about living like a queen"; but then, 
she nk about all 
those years of nonstop gigging—the hard- 
core gigs. And she said, "You know what? 
1 deserve it.” I've definitely put the time 
in, too, dedicated 18 years of my life to get- 
ting exactly where I am, and I’m not 
going to make excuses about my success. 
Tina and I have worked hard for what 
we've got. 
PLAYBOY: On the Richter scale of ambition, 
where do you rank—anywhere near Syl- 
vester Stallone? 

RICHIE: Certainly the body is different. 


ver- 


He's a little heavier. 1 think we're both 
ambitious. He obviously has a craft that 
he believes in, and he wants to get paid for 
it. So do I. 


Some would say отер. 
think about how silly the world 
really can be. А friend of mine from col- 
lege studied for years to be a neurosur- 
geon, and I recorded Baby, Baby, Baby for 
three minutes and four seconds and made 
his lifetime earnings. I'm not saying I feel 
sorry for him; you can’t compare us. 
PLAYBOY: What about someone like Ken- 
ny Rogers, who, at one point, spent 
$16,000,000 on a house in Hollywood? 
RICHIE: Kenny and 1 are very different 
when it comes to money, but how he 
spends it is his business. Га be a nervous 
wreck spen $16,000,000 on a house. 
In fact, it was Kenny who actually helped 
me get over my upset stomach when I 
bought this house in Bel Air. Kenny said, 
“I hate to tell you this, Lionel, but you've 
got to get їп. Once you buy your fi 
house, the rest is easy.” We're talking 
about spending $1,000,000-plus оп this 
house. 

PLAYBOY: Have you gotten your money's 


like it. But I still need to go to 
that’s why Brenda and I 
keep a home there, too. 1 can come back 
down to being the guy that I know myself 
to be. Remember, now: Most people think 
famous people get on a rocketship that 
takes them back to the moon right after 
the concert. But Гус got to live right here, 


But before their lifetime ends, they alway: 
wind up finding out that their home was 


earth. Vhey're forced to see 
PLAYBOY: How casy is it to forget that 
fact? 

RICHIE: Very. On occasion, 
land can get overwhelming. There are 
s when I say, “Let me back up a little 
." Tm going to take my machete and 
Меса Eater out into the back yard, and 
then Pm going up into the woods and cut 
out my own path. I like to walk in thc 
woods. I just think, reflect. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever get depressed? 
RICHIE: My God, you can't experience the 
extreme high of performing for 2. 
people at the Olympics, of singing Say You, 
Say Me at the Academy Awards or per- 
forming for 20,000 people eve 
six months and then come home for a 
three-week vacation and go to bed at nine 
o'clock without feeling depressed. 
PLAYBOY: Havc you ever used drugs 10 
pump yourself up or down? 

RICHIE: I experimented with grass in col- 
lege, and when the Commodores and 1 
began traveling, we came into contact 
with cocaine. In New York, a guy came up 
to me and said, “Do you w 
coke?” I said, “Great.” He sai 
$400." That's the end of my drug story. 
PLAYBOY: You've never used drugs to get 
a periormance? 

No. TI tell you my great m 
story. I was outside a club one night 
and an old bebopper came up to me and 
said, “Lionel, babes, you've got to get a 
You'll play that horn bet- 
ter than you ever did." I took two pulls of 
it, went on stage and forgot the show. 
Since then, Гус discovered. that. сус 
body's trying to be fashionable with drugs 
and only half the folks аге using them. 
PLAYBOY: What's your biggest fcar? 

RICHIE: Not ing control of my life. 1 
hate the idea of being trapped. 1 would 
hate having to go in to do a job I disliked 
se I needed the money. That's a hor- 
rible line. But the biggest fear ofall is рео- 
ple deprivation: I can’t imagine being 
friendless. 
PLAYBOY: How could that ever happen? 
RICHIE: [m not talking now about fans; 
Pim speaking of actually being in a tight 
bind and saying, “God, Гус got to talk to 
somebody” and not having anyone to call. 
Did you know there are actually people in 
s town who say, "I'm having a party" 
d call up a PR firm to invite th 
They have no friends. That's terrifying. 
PLAYBOY: You don't worry about your 
careers coasting downhill? 
RICHIE: The terror to me is not be 
out dollars. I went through years of having 
very little money and feeling the fear of 
poverty. On а bad day, I can still get a 
roup together and go play at 
the Holiday Inn 

PLAYBOY: Assuming that won't be neces- 
бағу, whats the next challenge in your 
carcer? 

RICHIE: Motion pictures, definitely. 1 
wouldn't be so presumptuous as to say I'd 
demand a leading role, but Га like to 


this fantasy- 


night for 


approach a film career in the right v 
as Cher did. Cher didn’t want an audience 
spending two hours watching just her ii 
her first movie; she came іп with estab- 
lished actors who could take some weight 
off her 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you have real act- 
ing talent? 

RICHIE: I'm certainly а ham. I know that. 
And 15 years ago, if you had asked me if I 
had talent as a composer, Га have said, 
“Are you kidding me? No, man." I'm not 
going to be presumptuous and say, “Turn 
on the camera! I can handle it," and I 
know a movie isn't a music video. But 
until I try, КЇЇ never know, 

PLAYBOY: As a guy from a small Southern 
town, do you find Hollywood phony ог 
bo 


ing? 

RICHIE: I try to tell my wife, parents and 
friends that 1 can t write blues in the back 
of a limousine. I have to get back to Ala- 
Бата or get to street level—to the real 
world—in order to be an effective writer. I 
live in Bel Air for convenience’ sake only. 
crything; it's safe. 

PLAYBOY: How much do you worry about 
your personal safety? 

RICHIE: I can't worry about it. When I'm 
standing in front of 20.000 people, any- 
body who wants to shoot me has a good 
chance. Anybody who wants to grab me 
has got me. So I just live my life—cool. If 
I were dealing drugs or bound to creditors 
or the Mafia, Шеп Га need beefed-up 
security. But all I do is sing. 
PLAYBOY: Where do you sce yoursel 
years, when you're 572 

RICHIE: On the moon. Or wherever. 1 hope 
the key word is happy. 1 still feel Pm 
in the achievement years, when Pm laying 
the foundation for my future. What Um 
really doing is putting together my insur- 
ance policy to play with and in lite later. 1 
want to make sure that when I'm 50 or 60, 
I can, indeed, go out ol my house and play 
with life rather than be victimized by it. 
I've heard so many horror stories about 
people who had their moment, killed it 
and wore themselves out. So what's happi- 
ness? 

PLAYBOY: You tell us. 

RICHIE: It is not a formula; it's not living i 
i lot of happy people can't 
down and relax anywhere! I relax in a 
24-track studio, and my friends think I'm 
crazy. But I have the choice of being there, 
and I want to be. But what Fm ultimately 
aiming for is quality of life, It doesn’t 
ire a 24-track studio. [t doesn't 
require an airplane. It doesn’t require 
20,000 people applauding me in a coli- 
scum. It's called turn off the lights; every- 
body go home. Now: Am I happy? 

And the answer is? 

RICHIE: Yes, hopefully. 

PLAYBOY: Then what? 

RICHIE: Then Гус pulled off the best Ше 
ble—and maybe there'll still be time 
just one more song, 


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153 


PLAYBOY 


154 


CRITICS’ CHOICE 


(continued from page 121) 


“Few restaurants have ever opened to more instant 
critical and popular praise than Le Bernardin.” 


and suave staff with the control of Arturo 
"Toscanini and the сус of Dan Marino. The 
bright, swanky decor is a fit setting for a 
whose 100 scats arc filled daily 
with clients such as Richard Nixon and 
Woody Allen. And when anyone wonders 
why the tables must be set so close 
together at Le Cirque, Maccioni shrugs 
and asks, *Would you rather sit far away 
from or right next to Sophia Loren?" Put 
yourself in his hands and the kitchen will 
send forth little bites of fried sole with a 
sauce dijonnaise, fresh sautéed foie gras 
ive, perhaps a little fettuc 
with white truffles, then а heady bouill 


with cı 


baisse, perfectly succulent baby lamb 
accompanied by a grand cru Bordeaux 
from an astounding wine list and an array 
of desserts that understandably includes 
Le Cirque's famous cróme brûlée. Polish off 
the chocolate truffles and petits fours with a 
glass of sauterne, and you will come to 
know the true meaning of pampered luxury 

5. CHEZ PANISSE—1517 Shattuck 
a (415-548-5525). 
isse and its owner, 


Avenue, Berkeley, Californ 
The impact of Chez P. 
Alice Waters, on Ameri 
can hardly be exaggerated. It was here 
ally burst forth 


п gastronomy 


that California cooking 


with such exuberance and style that such 


signature items as pizzas with California 
goat cheese, pasta with Northwest wild 
mushrooms and salads made with garden- 
grown field greens have since become 
standards in restaurants from Berkeley to 
Boston. Yet Chez Panisse has remained 
true to its French Provençal and Mediter- 


rancan inspirations—good, simple home- 
style dishes such as ratatouille, a scallop 


soup, grilled squab with braised g 
doves, squash ravioli with giblets and 
sage and compotes of fresh berries and 
fruits. Alice is still the matriarchal pres- 
ence at Chez Panisse, while chef Paul 
Bertolli heads the latest of a long line of 
brilliant protégés who have included Jere- 
miah Tower (see Stars, number 15), Mark 
Miller and Joyce Goldstein—all now star 
chefs on their own. And despite all this, 


isse is still a most unpretentions 


Chez 
place, as befits its location in laid-back 
Berkeley, where the idea took root in 1972. 

6. LE FRANGAIS—269 South Mil- 
waukee Avenue, Wheeling, Illinois (312- 
541-7470) 
Chicago and feel in the mood for blowing 
out all the stops and din 
any nobleman cf the ancien régime, make 
the 40-minute drive to suburban Wheel- 
ing, settle yourself behind a banquette at 


If you are anywhere near 


ng as lavishly as 


the best- 


your money-management book is still on 


ellers’ list." 


Le Francais and try not to gape as the 
extravagant dishes pass before your eyes: 
terrines and pátés and mousses of excep- 
tional richness, a galette of crab with mus- 
tard sauce, lobster au gratin with sauce 
Nantua and basil, tenderly cooked red 
snapper in an herbed беште blanc, va 
squab and sweetbreads in vividly reduced 
pan juices, sorbets the color of purple vel- 
vet and desserts set in fragile layers of pull 
pastry decorated with spun sugar. Chef- 
owner Jean Banchet refuses to skimp on 
ything, so you may be sure the foie gras 
is of the best quality, the game perlectly 
aged and the raspberries at their ripest. 
All of this arrives via silver serving carts, 
is set on Villeroy-Boch china and is served 
by swooping waiters who seem as en- 
thralled by the sheer profusion of it all 
as you will be. Le Francais doesn't look 
like much from the outside, but you're 
sure to leave Wheeling knowing you have 
dined at onc of the truc temples of gastron: 
omy in this country 

7. SPAGO —1114 Horn Avenue, West 
Hollywood, California (213-652-4025). 
It's a good bet that if Spago started ser 
ing nothing but burritos and Cobb salads, 
it would still be one of the hottest resta 
rants in L.A., for on any given night you 
are likely to see Joan Collins, Tony Be 
nett, Barbra Streisand or Tom Cruise 
meandering about the wide-open spaces of 
Wolfgang Puck’s decibel-busting restau- 
ip. One cannot even 
begin to count the number of drop-dead- 
beautiful and just-plain-drop- 
dead agents who fill the rest of the seats. 
But, in fact, Spago has made its reputation 
not on its decor, its atmosphere or its 
celebrity clientele but on the terrific food 
from the open grill and the pizza oven. 
And Puck has kept up the level of his cui- 
h on our last visit included piz: 
za with sweet peppers and prosciutto, 
sautéed Pacific oysters with a spicy salsa, 
crabcakes with lime butter and winter 
greens, chervil-and-black-pepper noodles 
with smoked duck and wilted greens, red 
snapper with pecan butter, Sonoma baby 
lamb with herb butter, a macadami: 
coconut tart and a blueberry-buttermilk 
tart. Spago has gone way beyond being 
trendy: It is part of the new Hollywood 
establishment and is still a bellwether of 
great cooking on the West Goast. 

8. CAMPTON PLACE—340 Stockton 
Street. San псізсо, Califor (415- 
781-5155). As elegant as Campton Pla 
is, its fame does not rest on its owner's 
reputation, for the restaurant is the din- 
ing room of the deluxe Campton Place 
Hotel off San Francisco's Union 
No, the aurant owes its national гер! 
tation to the talents of chef Bradley 
Ogden, a 33-year-old native of Michiga 
who has set foot in France but 
whose culinary skills would be the envy of 
y sous-chef in Paris or Lyons. Ogden is 


rant above Sunset 5 


starlets 


sine, wl 


are. 


ever 


one smart сооКіс, and he shows it in 
dishes of simple, unerring taste—even at 
breakfast and lunch, which may include 
scrambled eggs with prawns and creme 
fraiche, chicken with biscuits or a spinach 
soufflé with Sonoma-jack sauce. At din- 
ner, Ogden nto high gear with deli- 
cacies suc швед morels оп buttery 
brioche toast, barbecued prawns with veg- 
etable slaw, baked lobster with ginger- 
tomato sauce and knockout desserts such 
as blueberry shortcake and nectarine crisp 
with homemade vanilla ice cream, Ogden 
clearly works out of a long American tra- 
dition but gives it a twist of refinement 
that makes Campton Place a stellar act 
and one a lot of chefs are trying to follow 

9. JEAN-LOUIS АТ WATER- 
GATE 650 Virginia Avenue N.W., 
Washington, D.C. (202-298-4488). Here's 
another restaurant that shows how far 
hotel dining rooms have come in this 
country. Jean-Louis is located in the lower 
depths of the Watergate Hotel and has а 
sexy intimacy about it that attracts as 
many lovers as it does lobbyists. Indeed, 
for some reason, there always seems to be 
a couple at the next table discussing their 
torrid love affair in whispers. This only 
adds to the intrigue of the place, and chef 
Jean-Louis Palladin would be the first to 
admit that he loves nothing better Шап to 
stage a surprise. He'll do that by offering 
the kinds of dishes you won't find any- 
where else: Palladin once served a meal in 
which every dish had truffles in it (even 
the dessert was a truffle ice cream). On 
other occasions, he may serve a jellied 
consommé of crawfish, a lobster mousse 
with osietra caviar, сере mushrooms 
stewed with squab breasts or shrimp 
sautéed with a sauce of green and red pep- 
pers. Menus change all the time, and 
Jean-Louis is at his happiest when you let 
him compose a menu for you (which may 
cost up to 5100 per person). The wine list. 
incidentally. is as enticing as the food. 

10. COMMANDER’S PALACE— 1403 
Washington Avenue, New Orleans, Loui- 
siana 8221). Commander's Pal- 
ace is everything you'd want a New 
Orleans restaurant to be, with the possible 
exception being the fact that it is not situ- 
ated in the French Quarter. Instead, it 
is in the residential Garden District in 
а multiroomed 19th Century mansion, 
wherein you'll find the heart and soul of 
Creole hospitality in the Brennans, long- 
time owners who have made Command- 
er's the New Orleans mecca for all serious 
epicures. The decor has a swaggering 
antiquity about it, апа there's no better 
place to enjoy a café brülot than on the 
leafy brick patio here. And if the private 
dining rooms’ walls could talk, you'd get a 
quick course in Louisiana politics—such 
is the popularity of Commander's among 
the local political bigwigs. Chef Emeril 
Lagasse’s new haute Creole cuisine is cre- 
ative without straying far from cherished 


аз 


tradition, so you may begin with a deli- 
cious old-fashioned turtle soup or a spicy 
shrimp rémoulade or a rich gumbo, then 
try the shrimp-and-andouille soufflé or the 
hickory-grilled redfish with a basil-tomato 
sauce glazed over with pepper cheese. The 
bread-pudding souflé is sensational, and 
the raspberry Grand Marnier mousse 
cake could, on its own, bring you back 
here again and again. Add to this a wine 
list of real depth and service of genteel 
charm, and you've pretty much realized 
your dream of what a New Orleans restau- 
rant should look, smell and taste like 
11. THE QUILTED GIRAFFE— 
Second Avenue, New York, New York 
(212-753-5355). Barry and Susan Wine 
never wanted to open a restaurant in the 
first place, but since his suburban law 
practice wasn’t very exciting and he'd 
already invested іп a restaurant in New 
Paltz, New York, Barry shifted his atten- 
tion to fine cuisine. Now, ten years later, 
The Quilted Giraffe, removed to Manhat- 
tan, has become one of the most inventive 
dining rooms in the country. Although 
Barry's ideas sometimes get the better of 
him—like the time he served a poached 
pear with basil sauce—he is a masterful 
cook who turns out a magical confit of 
duck with a winsome side dish of creamed 
corn and tomato. Other fine dishes 
include sweetbreads in crushed pecans, 
shrimp and mango with broiled tomatoes, 
chicken aioli with fried sweet potatoes and 
pecan crisp with vanilla ice cream. Wine 
will never overcook a fish or overelaborate 
a dish, and his Grand Dessert of several 
sweets is irresistible (though it will add ten 
bucks to your bill). The dining room is 
warm and comfortable, the wine list excel- 
lent (but very pricy) and the staff one of 
the best-trained 

12. LE BEC-FIN—1523 Walnut 
Street, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (215- 
567-1000). Imagine a dining room in one 
of the great chäteaux of France—with 
Scalamandre damask on the walls, paint- 
ings of Louis XIV and Catherine the 
Great, silverware from Christofle and a 
private room done in a trompe l'oeil ccil- 
ing motif of clouds—and you'll have a 


good idea of Le Bec-Fin's new premises. 
Pe 


Owner Georges Р 
to bring the quality of his decor into line 
with the quality of his cuisine, which is on 
an unabashedly Lucullan level. Perrier 
doesn't kid around every dish is care- 
fully prepared to dazzle your eyes, nose 
and palate, from the first taste of swect- 
breads salad to the last bite of chocolate- 
ganache cake with mint sauce. In between, 
he offers at least three other courses on his 
$66 menu, all of them equally awesome in 
design and richness: ravioli stuffed with 
truffles, swordfish with а confiture of 
onions, a jambonneau of chicken with a 
sauce sabayon, a filet mignon of veal with 
morels and cream, several peak-condition 


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cheeses and a tiered pastry cart groaning 
under nearly three dozen iu from 
floating island to apricot-mousse cake. 


Lunch, at $20. is a great bargain, but you 
owe it to yourself to have dinner here to 
appreciate how sericusly Perrier takes his 
profession and his cuisine. 

13. K-PAUL'S LOUISIANA KITCH- 
EN—416 Chartres Street. New Orleans, 
1 П (504-942-7538). If you've never 
rd of Paul Prudhomme. then you've 
spent the past three years cating out in 
bera. Prudhomme, the gargantuan, 
effusive and inspired chef/teacher from 
the Cajun. country оГ Louisi revo- 
lutionized cooking in this country by 
waking up the taste buds with his fiery 
dishes, such as blackened redfish, and Са 
jun martinis laced with jalapeño peppers. 
K-Paul’s Louisiana Kitchen is where it all 

arted almost eight years ago, first as 
little breakfastand-lunch shop serving 
hoy sandwiches, now as a common 
ıs café of Cajun cookery and as much 
а tourist attract іп New Orleans as 
the Preservation Hall Jazz Band. The tiny 
restaurant still has Formica tables, pap 
napkins and diner-class silverware, but 
the waitresses could charm an al 


gator 


out of the bayou. The multilevel flavors of 
the food will blow you away—chicken- 
and-andouille gumbo, rabbit tenderloin 
with m 


stard sauce, stuffed eggplant with 
shrimp butter cream, shrimp elouffie, 
deep-fried softshell crabs with sauce 
Choron and, ol course, the now-famous 
blackened fish. Prudhomme's bread pud- 
ding with lemon sauce and swect-potato- 
pecan pie will send you reeling. No one 
leaves K-Paul's disappointed (or hungry), 
and you get a star on your check if you 
clean your plate. 

14. ROUTH STREET CAFE—3005 
Routh Stre Dallas, Texas (214-871- 
7161). ICS a delight to sce a Texas din- 
ing room again represented on our lisi, 
and with good reason: The Routh Strect 
Cale, owned by John Dayton and chef 
Stephan Pyles, is the foremost kitchen 
a burgeoning movement to upgrade the 
image of Texas cooking from chili and 
nachos to something of a higher quality. 
Some examples: tenderloin of wild b 
with sweet-potato pancakes and a t 
rind-ancho-chili sauce, smoked pheasant 
in emerald Riesling vinaigrette and catfish 
that will make you rethink your attitude 
toward that critter. Pyles, who once stud- 
ied music, loves to get his seasoi i 
harmony and may use sev 
together with several sweet peppers to 
achieve unique flavors. His concepts аге 
er odd and are always based on the 
game, meats, seafood and pro- 
‚ so you'll feast on axis veni; Gulf 
shrimp, Texas beef and some impressive 
cabemets and chardonnays from wineries 
r Lubbock and Fort Davis. The prem- 
ises have a streamlined two-level design of 
peach-pink and gray, and this is clearly 
where the young professionals of Dallas 
dining these days 


15. STARS—150 Redwood Alley, 


San co, California (415-861-7827). 
Would-be architect Jeremiah Tower got 
his first cooking job at Chez. Panisse (sec 
above) when he improved a soup by add- 
ing cream and salt to it. Since then, he's 
honed his own genius for coaxing the best 
flavors out of ingredients and for refusing 


AMERICA'S 
25 GREATEST 
RESTAURANTS 
1984 
for your reference, 


here are the rankings from 
our list three years ago 


1. Lutéce, New York, New York 
2. The Four Seasons, New York, 
New York 
3. Le Francais, Wheeling, Illinois 
4, Chez Panisse, Berkeley, California 
5. Le Cirque, New York, New York 
6. K-Paul’s Louisiana Kitchen, 
New Orleans, Louisiana 
7. The Quilted Giraffe, New 
York, New York 
8. Le Perroquet, Chicago, Illinois. 
9. La Cote Basque, New Yi 
New York 
10. Commander’s Palace, 
New Orleans, Lou 
11. L'Ermitage, Los / 
California. 
12. The Coach House, N 
New York 
13. La Grenouille, Ncw York, 
New York 
14. Le Bec-Fin, Philadelphia, 
Pennsylvani 
15. Michael's, Sa 
California. 
hington, D.C 
17. Ma Maison, Los Angel 
€ 
18, Кех--П Ristorante, Los Angeles. 
California 
19. Spago, Los Angeles. California 
20. Valentino, Santa Monica, 
California 
21. Ernie's, San Francisco, California 
22. П Nido, New York, New York 
23. Ее! , New York, New York 
24, Jean-Louis, Washington, D.C. 
25. Parioli Romanissimo, New York, 
New York 


10 disguise what is best about fresh fish or 
pungent herbs. Consequently, his peers 
credit him with onc of the sharpest palates 
іп cooking today. "Tower is now the owner 
of Stars, a truly stellar restaurant very 
much in the San Francisco-grill tradition 
and very much the kind of comfortable 
brasserie where people enjoy cating. Stars’ 


kitchen is right out in the open, and the 
entire place has a bright conviviality that 
makes this as perfect a spot (ог а full-scale 
dinner as for dessert and cognac after a 
night at the nearby opera. Tower's cook- 
ing concentrates on the intensity of 
tastes—a paillard of yellowt 
ger, cilantro and black beans, a spicy lentil 
soup with a red-bell-pepper cream, а 
braised-veal-and-lamb ragout with wild 
rice and some first-rate California-style 
zas and French frics. Finish with a par 
‚on of a blueberry pie or some lusciously 
rich ice cream, and you'll have а lasting 
memory of the kind of food you wish you 
could eat every night. 

16. MICHAEL'S— 1147 Third Street, 
Santa Monica, California (213-451-0843), 
Even after cight years, Michael's is still 
the most serenely beautiful restaurant in 
the Los Angeles arca. With its pale-peach 
walls, its superb collection of graphics by 


top contemporary artists and its peaceful 
garden patio set with canvas umbrellas 
over roomy tables, Michael's has estab- 
lished a new concept 
Even more impressive 
the ch 


dining out in L.A. 
сг а decade is 
‘ity of owner Michael MeCarty's 

vision, which is to serve only 
the most refined and delicate French 
cuisinc—a mousse of foie gras with apples 
and calvados, a salad of chicory, hot goat 
d and walnut vinaigreue, grilled 
chicken with tarragon butter, veal steak 
with caramelized lemon and desserts that 
know few cquals in a city of great sweets. 
If Michael's had opened only yesterday, 
its food would seem like a breath of fresh 
gans going on 


air amid the loopy shenan 


L.A. kitchens these 
McCarty has stayed his course through 
the follies of recent years is to his enor- 
mous credit, and Місі Қ а result, 
has clearly emerged as a California classic 
of style, grace and unerring taste. 

17. AURORA—60 East 49th Street, 
w York (2 
owner of Aurora, Joc Baum Company, set 
ош to capture an upscale-cxccutivc m. 
ket and, from the day it opened а 
more than a year ago, has succeeded by 
providing a sedate, restrained dining room 
(decorated by g Milton 
Glaser) of rich woods, stippled, painted 
borders, leather-upholstered chairs and a 
savvy U-shaped bar where you can grab а 
quick lunch. Joe Baum knew that his cli- 
entele would also want the kind of im, 
native but sensible food served at The 
Four Seasons (see number two), which he 
once ran. So he hired an esteemed French 
chef named Gerard Pangaud to develop a 
menu of beautifully wrought light dishes 
such as smoked sea bass 


суу York 


lobster poached with ginger, lime 
terne and just about the most delect 
chocolate-mousse cake you'll ever encoun- 
ter. Nor will you want to miss the papillon 
of apricot, p: nd caramel ice cream. 
The wine list is small, carefully selected 


nd fairly priced, and the staff, alter some 
carly faux pas, is now as impeccable in its 
ministrations as in its dress. Aurora has 
emerged as one of those dining rooms that 
define New York's unique temperament in 
the Eighties 

18. AN AMERICAN PLACE 969 
Lexington Avenue, New York, New York 
(212-517-7660). So celebrated was chef 
Lawrence Forgione's reputati 
worked at Brooklyn's Ri 
every aritic who had voted for that restau- 
rant in our 1984 poll pulled his vote on 
hearing that he had resigned as its chef 
that year. Fortunately, Forgione soon 
opened An American 
Place, where he ha hed himself as 
one of this country's most important chefs 
of the decade. Here, in а small room 
with spare but appealing decor, Forgione 
began streamlining his once-elaborate 
cooking concepts and devoted himself to 
a thorough investigation of the truc 
strengths of American cookery. His re 
terpretations of classic dishes—such as 
planked salmon, barbecued chicken with 
creamy potato salad, grilled Key West 
shrimp and even devil's-food cake and 
apple pandowdy—have carned him the 
mantle of his late beloved mentor, James 
Beard. Meanwhile, his new dishes—such 
as duck sausage with spoon-bread griddle- 
cakes and corn salsa, sirloin st with a 
dark-beer sauce and terrine of three 
smoked fish with their own caviars—show 
ample evidence of his inventiveness. Any- 
onc who wishes to know what the inevita- 
ble direction of American cooking will be 
should book a table at An American Place 
without delay. 

19. FELIDIA—243 East 58th Street, 
New York, New York (212-758-1479). 
Felidia has moved up our list and stakes 
its claim to being the best Italian restau- 
rant this side of the Atlantic. From the 
moment you enter the bustling dining 
room, with its dark woods, exposed brick 
and airy skylight, you have a real sense 
that this is not the place to order lasagna 
ог veal parmigiana. The wine list has 
extraordinary depth to support a kitch 
of extraordinary range. The only sensible 
thing to do is to throw yourself into the 
arms of owners Lidia and Felix Bastianich 
and ask them to feed you. You will there- 
upon be rewarded with such enchanting 
dishes as polenta with wild mushrooms, 
pasutice pasta with lobster, a raviolilike 
pasta called Arafi, filled with veal, lemon 
zest, cheese and rum, grilled mackerel 
marinated with garlic and olive ой and 
feathery-light crepes for dessert. Eyen а 
simple dish of tomatoes, mozzarella and 
fresh basil will thrill you because of the 
quality of the ingredie nd you could 
casily make a meal of such first courses as 
Felidia’s own air-cured prosciutto and 
some figs or a mélange of cold seafood. 
Lidia, who is nothing if not maternal, 
wants you to feel good alter a meal, not 
stuffed, so her sauces are far from the 


heavy, pasty cover-ups served in most 
Italian restaurants in this country. Trust 
her as you would your Italian aunt. And if 
you don’t have an Italian aunt, trust us. 
20. LE PAVILLON—1050 Connecti- 
cut Avenue N.W., Washington, D.C. 
(202-833-3846). If cooking is, indeed, ап 
art, then Yannick Cam is an artist. 
Le Pavillon 
demanding gastronome swoon over such 
dishes as a soup of wild mussels and white 
corn, a gralin of turbot, potato and leek, 
beet-filled ravioli with osietra caviar, 
roasted lamb with white asparagus and an 
array of ethereal desserts. Cam seems 
driven to be better and better, and he sets 
standards for Le РауШоп that would be 
unnerving for any other chef to meet. The 
second-story dining room is itself an exer- 
cise in subtlety and sophistication, from 
the romantic lighting to the Lalique- 
crystal display table and the salmon color- 


ings that flatter every woman in the 
roomm—none more so than Cam’s beauti- 
ful wife, Janet, who directs the dining 
room with a grace апа perfectionism 
you'd be hard put to find even in France. 
"The wine list is long, offering a variety of 
choices to accompany the exquisite cui 
sine. 

21. L'ERMITAGE—730 North La 
Cienega Boulevard, Los Angeles, Califor- 
(213-652-5840). Perhaps the highest 
compliment you can pay chef Michel 
Blanchet of L'Ermitage is that if you close 
your eyes, you'll be able to identify every 
ingredient in every dish he serves you. So 
strong is Blanchet's sense of taste and tex- 
ture that he is determined not to sully the 
full Aavor of crawfish or rabbit or apples 
with any sauce or reduction that might 
sk the essence of the m. ingredients. 
This means a marvelous fidelity to classic 
technique that is too often disappearing in 


IT PROBABLY poc 


HNE WORKED — 
OUT ANYWAY, 


IT PROBABLY LWOLLDNT 
HAVE WORKED OUT 
ANYWAY 


He ly 


157 


158 


Some ol the restaurants on this list 
missed making our top 25 by just a few 
points. Some represent the regional 
critics’ choices of the best іп their 
locales. Others are new, exciting pros- 
ресіз to watch in усаг to come. 

ARIZONA 

Vincent Guerithault оп Camel- 
back, Phoenix (602-224-0225) 

Janos, Tucson (602-884-0426) 

CALIFORNIA 

Gustav Anders, La Jolla 
159-4499) 

Fog City Diner, San Francisco (115- 
982-2000) 

Fournou's Ovens, San Francisco 
(415-989-1910) 

Masa's, San l'rancisco (415-989- 
7154) 

Mustards Grill, Napa (707-944-2424) 

Primi, West Los Angeles (213- 
475-9235) 

Square One, San Francisco (415- 
788-1110) 

Trumps, Los Angeles (213-855- 
1480) 


(619- 


COLORADO 
The Rattlesnake Club, 
(803-573-8900) 
CONNECTICUT 
L’Americain, Hartford. (203 
6500) 
Fine Bouche, Centerbrook (203-767-1277) 
Restaurant Jean-Louis, Gre 
(203-622-8450) 
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA 
Le Lion d’Or (202-296-7972) 
FLORIDA 
Bern’s Steak House, Tampa (813- 
251-9421) 
Joe's Stone Crab Restaurant, 
Miami (305-673-0365) 
GEORGIA 
Capriccio, Atlanta (404-237-0347) 
Carsley's, Atlanta (404-261-6384) 


Denver 


45 South, Savannah (912-354-0444) 
HAWAI 

La Mer, Oahu (808-923-2311) 
m 


Ambria, Chicago (312 

Carlos, Highland Pa 
0770) 

Jackie’s, Chicago (312-880-0003) 

Les Nomades, Chicago (312-649-9010) 

Spiaggia, Chicago (312-280-2750) 

KENTUCKY 

Casa Grisanti, Louisville (502-584- 

1371) 


72-5959) 
К (312-432- 


LOUISIANA 
Galatoire’s, New Огіс 
2021) 


(504-525- 


REGIONAL FAVORITES 


Le Ruth’s, Gretna (504-362-4914) 
Vernick’ bbeville (318-893-8008) 
MARYLAND 
The Conservatory, Baltimore (301- 

727-7101) 
Obricky’s Crab House, Baltimore 
(301-732-6399) 

MASSACHUSETTS 
Chanticleer, Nantucket (617-257-6231) 
Chillingsworth, Brewster (617-896- 

3640) 
L’Espalier, Boston (617-262-3023) 
Restaurant Jasper, Boston (61 
1126) 
Restaurant Le Marquis de Lafa- 
yette, Boston (617-4 
MICHI 
Chez Raphael, Novi (31 
Elizabeth's, Northville (313-348-0575) 
Justine, Midland (517-496-3012) 
Tapawingo, Ellsworth (616-588- 
7971) 


MINNESOTA 
Primavera, Minncapolis (612 
8000) 


MISSOURI 

Café Allegro, Kansas City (816- 
561-3663) 
io's La Fourchette, 51. Louis (31 
863-6866) 

Jess & Jim’s Steakhouse, Kansas 
City (816-942-9909) 

Richard Perry Restaurant, 51. Louis 
(314-771-4100) 

Tony’s, St. Louis (314-231-7007) 

NEVADA 

La Pamplemousse, Las Vegas (702- 
733-2066) 

The Summit, Lake Tahoe (702-588- 
6611) 


NEN JERSEY 
Chez Catherine, Westfield (201-232- 
1680) 

The Knife & Fork Inn, Atlantic 
City (609-344-1 
NEW YORK 

Arizona 206, New York (212-838- 
0140) 

La Caravelle, New York (212 
1252) 

Chanterelle, New York (212-966- 
6960) 

The Coach House, New York (212- 
717-0303) 

La Cöte Basque, New York (212- 
688-6525) 

The Gotham Bar and Grill, New 
York (212-620-4020) 

Hubert's, New York (212-673-3711) 
ranite Springs (914-248- 


586- 


Palio, New York (212-245-4850) 
Le Périgord, New York 5-624) 
La Tulipe, New York (212-691-8860) 
ошо 
Barricelli Inn, Cleveland (216-791- 
6500) 
The French Connection, Cleve- 
land (216-696-5600) 
Maisonette, Cincinnati 
2260) 
Sammy's, Cleveland (216-523-5560) 
Z Contemporary Cuisine, Shaker 
Heights (216-991-1580) 
OREGON 
Jake's Famous Crawfish, Portland 
(503-226-1419) 
PENNSYLVANIA 
Philadelphia 


(513-721- 


Déja-Vu, 
1190) 

DiLullo Centro, Philadelphia (215- 
546-2000) 

The Garden, Philadelphia (215-546- 
1155) 

La Normande, Pittsburgh (412-621- 
0744) 


(215-546- 


RHODE ISLAND 
AI Forno, Providence (401-273-9760) 


TENNESSEE 
Chez Philippe, Memphis (901-529- 
4188) 
TEXAS 
Brennan’s of Houston (713- 
9711) 


Cafe Annie, Houston (713-780- 
1522) 

La Fogata, San Antonio (512-340- 
1384) 


The Mansion on Turtle Creek, 
Dallas (214-526-2121) 

Sonny Bryan's, Dallas (214-3: 
7120) 

Tony's, Houston (713-622-6778) 

лан 

Cafe Магіроѕа at Silver Lake, 
Deer Valley (801-649-1005) 

Liaison Restaurant, Salt Lake City 
(801-583-8144) 

VIRGINIA 

The Inn at Little Washington, 
Washington (703-675-3800) 

The Trellis, Williamsburg (804-229- 
8610) 


WASHINGTON 
Le Gourmand, Seattle (206-784 
3463) 
Ray's Boathouse, Seattle (206-789- 
3770) 


WISCONSIN 
Grenadier's Restaurant, Milwau- 
Кес (414-276-0747) 


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159 


PLAYBOY 


the new Los Angeles eaterics. Blanchet's 
cassolette of snai 
veal with apples and calvados, salmon 
in cabernet sauvignon, cream-of-turnip 
soup, apple tart and chocolate charlotte 
are textbook examples of the power and 
glory o ing. New owners have 
recently refreshed the look of L'Ermitage, 
but the place still bespeaks a luxury that 
makes a visit here cause for celebration. 
If you need a break from caviar pizzas 
and waiters dressed like Talking Heads, 
L'Ermitage is a soothing change of pace. 
22. ARCADIA—21 t 62nd Street, 
York, New York (212-223-2900). 


Rosenzweig, co-owner of Arcadia 


ssic tr 


New 
A 


ails au gratin, médaillons of 


with Ken Aretsky, has proved that female 
chefs аге as much a part of the dynamics 
of the new American cooking as are men. 
Having earned the respect of her peers, 
Rosenzweig has also won the hearts and 
minds of critics and the public, who flock 
to this tiny g room—with its bucolic 
Paul Davis murals and French windows— 
night and day. Reservations, therefore, 
have become the toughest tickets in town. 
The restaurant's small size allows К 
senzweig to oller a scasonal menu reflec- 
tive of what she finds best in the market. 
Consequently, you may feast on buck- 
wheat pasta with goat cheese, a salad оГ 
roast quail with fresh-fig chutney, grilled 


“With sophisticated quartz-controlled. 


aperture-priority programmed 
computerized multimode autofocus 


TTL metering and 
stem, plus variable 


3.5 f. ps. sequential-drive ШЫН action 


capability and. . 


tuna with red-pepper marmalade, corn- 
cakes with creme fraiche and caviars or 
Rosenzwcig's signature dish—a dazzling 
lobster club sandwich. Also to her credit 
are the chocolate bread pudding, the pear- 
and-pecan crisp or any of the other v 
some desserts. You could ask for a longe 
wine list, and the service staff can ос 
nally be snooty, but you'll have won- 
derful food here and get an idea of what a 
personal cooking style is all about. 

23. JAMS—154 East 79th Street, New 
York, New York (212-772-6800). The own- 
ers of Jams—Jonathan Waxman and 
Melvin. Master, give the 
тааш its name New 

Yorkers their first real tası fornia 
cuisine: grilled and sauteed fish, meat and 
poultry, ingenious combinations of pep- 
pers and baby vegetables in pastas and 
salads and rich, devi rc desserts, 
all served up with а casual but informed 
attitude. Sincc Jams opened in 1984, oth- 
ers have tried to copy its form 
has enjoyed the success of th 
nal restaurant. Herc, in two stark, brighuly 
lit dining rooms with a downstairs open 
kitchen, you'll be treated to such special- 
ties as tiny shrimp on cabbage with 
blanched bacon and diced tomato, deep- 
rabbit on a bed of pasta, swordfish 
with blood oranges, the best French fries 
you'll ever eat and scrumptious desserts 
such as lemon tart and chocolate-truflle 
terrine with praline sauce. Some critics 
cluck that Waxman doesn’t spend much 
time in the kitchen these days (he and 
Master own two other res ts), but 
few question his ingenuity or Masters 
ability to keep things humming night after 
night. 

24. CHINOIS ON MAIN—2709 
Main Street, Santa Monica, California 
(213-392-9025). It isn’t surprising that not 
one but two of Wolfgang Puck's restau- 
rants should appear on our list, for there's 
little question that Puck has more creative 
juices and spunky ics than any five 
other chefs in Califori 
on the edge of new ideas since 
the late, lamented Ma Мао: 
Spago, which is basically an affair of 


whose 


ura 


Chinois is an honorable 
culinary traditions of E: 
"Therefore, you may begin with some 
Japanese-style tuna sashimi or stir-fried 
chicken in lettuce bundles, then move on 
to roasted-leg-of-lamb salad or marinated 
grilled salmon atop black and gold noo- 
dles and id down with an upside-down 
The decor (done by Puck's 
ngles 
Oriental and Occidental elements, includ- 
ing a gold Buddha over the bar, jade- 
green tables and enormous crane cloisonné 
sculptures. Chinois is designed to be fun 
pod a little käschy, and after one bite of. 
with. plum-wine 
sauce, you'll happily settle into the 


ING COLLECTION 


[ESA [| — 
Catalogs with 


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Large sizes catalog also available. 


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[— — — "send coupon 10: CATALOGS USA ===> 

| co Nielsen догу Service, FO. Box 2015, Clinton, 1A 52735 | 

| Seek the ltt ofeach listing the catalogs you vant, Enclose | 
а check or M.C. for the total, including a $1.00 mai 
charge. Allow 4 weeks for delivery. 

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ADVERTISERS I you would hike Information on advertising in future Caulogs U S.A. pages. Contaci Stanley 1. Fishel, 635 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y 10022 


3501517 


161 


PLAYBOY 


162 


restaurants other main attraction: the 
celebrity watch 

25. VALENTINO —3115 Pico Boule- 
vard, Santa Monica, California (213- 
829-4313). It would be easy enough to 
convince you of the greatness of Valen- 
tino simply by listing the components оГа 
typical meal here: a soft focaccia bread, 
sausages, zucchini flowers and smoked 


scamorza cheese. carpaccios of calamari 


with pesto, scallops with red peppercorns, 
rabbit salad, duck salad with a sweet-ı 
sour pickle, ravioli with arti 
tagliolini with pepper, risotto with coi 
polenta with shiitake mushrooms and 
quail, lamb in little purses of radicchio, 
dates, mascarpone cheese and chocolate, a 
semifreddo of roasted nuts and several fruit 
sherbets. This is Italian food 
style, and every course has something 


superlative in it. The exuberant owner, 
Picro Selvaggio, recently redecorated the 
restaurant to resemble a country estate in 
Tuscany rather than a dining room 
Santa Monica, but the enthralling menu is 
always changing. Piero aches to show you 
a good time, and no one who cares about 
food can айога to miss Valentino. The 
wine list is onc of the best in the West. 


El 


Molly Abraham, restaurant critic, Detroit Free 
Press: author. Restaurants of Detroit. 

Antonia Allegra, food editor, San Diego Trib- 
ине. 

Colman Andrews, rant columnist, Los 
Angeles Timos; author. Catalan Cuisine 

Anonymous restaurant critics, 
Monthy 
s Bailin, rest 
LIVE 

Robert Lawrence Belzer, 
Trawl- Holiday 

Ariane and Michael Batterberry, authors 
and food consultants; founders, The International 
Review of Food E Wine. 

Charles Bernstein, «lior, Nations Restaurant 
author, Great Restaurant Innovators 

Sally Bernstein, restaurant critic. The Houston 
Post 

Alexandra Mayes Birnbaum, editor in chief, 
Good Food magaz: 

Anthony Dias Blue, author, American Wine: 
WCHS-Radio, New York. New York, restaurant 


Texas 


ant critic, Northern Ohio 


pod and beverage 
edi 


Paul Bocuse, cookbook author: owner of Paul 
Bocuse Restaurant, Lyons. France 
Gene Bourg, restaurant columnist, The Times 


Southern New Eug 
York Times Conn 
Ellen Brown, au 
American Chefs 
Patricia Brown, (ood wiiter/consultant. 
Pat Bruno, restaurant critic, Chicago Sun- 
Times 


or, Cooking with the New 


Anne Byrn, food editor/restanramı critic, 1 
Atlanta Journal Constitution, 
Teresa Byrne-Dodge, restaurant critic, Sun- 


gazine of The Houston Past 
Paul A. Camp, restaurant critic, Chicago Trib 
Michael Carlton, restaurant critic/tcavel edi 
tor, The Denver Post 
Doral Chenoweth, restaurant reviewer, The 
Columbus Dispatch. 


da; 


Moria Cianci, food editor. Restaurant Business 

gazine 

Craig Claiborne, food editor, The New York 
Times. 

Alison Cook, restaurant writer. Titus Monthly. 

Betty Cook, restamant critic, The Dallas 


Morning News 


Lucy Cooper, restauran сейіс, The Miami Her- 
ай 


laine Corn, id edio 


The Sacramento Bre 
т, Houston Chronicle 
editor, Knife & Fork: The Insider's 
Guide to Manta Restauranis; restaurant critic, 
Georgia Trend и с. 

Constance Daniell, {ood writer and colum 
The Milwaukee Journal. 

Jane De Mowy, food and wine editor, Baltimore 
mag; 

John Dorsey, bret restaurant reviewer, Bal- 


ie editor. Food & Wine, 
writer, former restau- 


Barbara Ensrud, 
lorence Fabricant, author, Florence Fabri- 
гапу Pleasures of the Table 

Donna Ferrari, tableiop. food and wine editor, 
Bride's magazine. 

Fred Ferretti, (ood writer, Gourmet 

Tom Fitzmorris, cdivor, The New Orleans Menu 
magazine; author, Encylopedia of New Orleans 
Restaurants 
MolcolmS. Forbes, publisher. Forbes n 


CHOICE CRITICS 


Charles Forman, editor, Restaurant Insights. 
ите Franey, [ood writer, The New York 
Times; author, The 60- Minute Gourmet, 

Jacqueline Friedrich, food, wine and travel 
"Ruth Gardner, food editor, Elle magazine 

Marion Gorman, editor, Gastronome: 
author 

Diane Gould, restaurant crit 
zine and Daily Camera, 

Emanuel Greenberg, 
writer, PLAYBOY 

Madeline Greenberg, contributing writer. 
Chocolatier 

Bert Greene, 
au 

Goel Greene, rcsiaurant critic, New York mag- 
“Joshua Greene, editor, Wine & Spirit ma 
zine 

D. Gustibus, former dining critic, Houstonian 

azine. 

Phyllis Hanes, food editor, Christian Science 
Monitor. 

Zack Hanle, New York editor, Bon Appétit. 

Marilyn Hansen, editor, Country Accents 


food 


‚ Denver maga- 


wine, food, spirits 


food columnist; cookbook 


m: 


Judith Hill, «ditor in chief Cook's Magazine 
Polly Hurst, lormer restaurant critic, Philadel- 
phia maga 

Jeremy к сейіс, Minneapolis 


Star and Туйи 

Schuyler Ingle, 
өш the cuisine of the Pacific Northwest 

Jay Jacobs, contributing editor, Gourmet, 

Leslie James, restaurant critic, The San Diego 
Union 

J. Marry Jardene, restaurant reviewer, Hons- 
ton City Magazine 

Elin Jeffords, rc 
Republic 

Barbara Kafka, 
author. Food for Friends 

Rob Kasper, “The Happy Eater” columnist, 

nore Sun. 

Allen and Carla Kelson, dining cri 
саро magazine: 

Elliot S. Krane, restaura 
Review-Journal, 

[ 


thor of an upcoming book 


The Arizona 


food columnis, Vogue. 


Chi 


editor, Las Vegas 


‚Simon & Schuster. 
ithor, The Best: Tast- 


Jenifer Harvey Lang, 
ings [rom Ketchup to Caviar 
Bob Lape, restaurant critic, Crain's New York 
Business 
Michel LeBorgne, 
ingland Culinary Insti 
Robert Levey, restaurant critic 


chef, New 


executive 


The Boston 


Globe. 

Lorry Lipson, restaurant critic, Los Angeles 
Daily News 

Liz Logon, senior editor/restaurant critic, D 
Magazine, 

Karon Macs er food and wine editor, 


USA Тойду. 
Tom Martin, restaurant critic, Memphis maga- 
Peter D. Meltzer, coauthor, Passport to New 

York Restaurants 
Ferdinand E. Metz, presiden, The С 


ary 


Institue of Ame 

Stephen G. Michaelides, «dior, Restaurant 
Hospitality 

Bryan Miller, food critic, The New York Times 


Donna Morgan, food editor, The Salt Lake 
Tribune. 

Jane Moulton, food and wine editor, The Plain 
Dealer 

Barbara Gibbs Ostmann, food editor, St 
Louis Past-Dispalch; co-editor. Food Editors 
iles Cookbook. 


Jacq cookbook author. 
Bea Pixa. restaurant critic, San Francisca 
Examiner. 
Joe Pollack, restaurant writer, St. Louis Post- 
Dispatch. 


Steven Raichlen, restaurant critic, Boston 
gazine: author, Taste of the Mountains Cooking 
School Cookbook. 

Ruth Reichl, restauran editor. Los Angeles 
Times. 

William Rice, co-author, Where lo Eat in Amer- 
ac columnist, Chicago Tribune. 


Charlotte Observer. 
Marilyn Mcbevit 
Pittsburgh Press. 
Susan Sarao, associate food and equipment 
editor, Ladies Home Journal. 
David Sarasohn, restaurant critic, The Orego- 
Gus Saunders, restaurant critic and featured 
food writer, The Boston Herald; host, The Yankee 
Kitchen 
„Richard Sax. author, Fran the Formers Mar 
ч. 
Arthur Schwortx, fuod editor, New York Daily 


Deborah Scoblionkov, food and wine critic, 
Atlantic City Magazine and Inside magazine 

Richard Т. Scott, president and publisher, 
гойо Travel Guides 

Donna Salle Segal, food editor, The Indianap- 
olis Star. 

Stan Sesser, resta 
Chronicle. 

Marvin R. Shanken, editor and publisher, The 
Wine Spectator. 

Patricia Sharpe, senior editor, Texas Monthly 

Merrill Shindler, restaurant critic, Los Ange- 
les Herald Examiner 

Art Siemering, restaur: 
City Star 

Sandra Silfven, restaur 

unnist, The Detroit News 

Camille Stagg, food writer; author, The Cooks 
Advisor 

Harvey Steiman, managing editor. The Wine 
Spector: hosi. The KCBS Kitchen. 

Stendahl, pseudonym for the food and wine 
critic, WNCN Radio, New York, New York. 

Corrine Streich, editorial director, Corner 


Table Magazine. 
The Philadelphia 


Elaine Tai 
Г 
Robert Tolf, restaurant critic, Florida Trend 
Fort Lauderdale News/Sun-Sentinel; author, 
Flonda Restaurant Guide. 
Patricia Unterman, restaurant critic, San 
Francisco Chronicle. 
Roger Verge, cookbook author; owner, Le 
Mougins. 
las, food and wine editor, Town С? 
hor, James Villas" Town & Country 


б critic, San Francisco 


nt critic, The Kansas 


nt critic and wine col- 


food 


critic, 


Cookbook. 
Jomes Ward, restaurant critic, WLS-TV, Chi- 
cago. 
Donna Warner, editor, food and design, Met- 
ropolitan Home. 
Jon Weimer, 


nior editor, food, Bon Appetit 
, food editor, Cleveland maga- 


«й- IV food commentator 
nerican president, Confrérie 
Röuisseurs. 


BOB VILA (coninuct fion paze 123) 


“If I can't swim or get exercise, I may end up building 
something or knocking down trees or clearing brush.” 


down-and-w 
posed to 


13. 


How do you build a sensuous 


TLAYBOY 


room? 

vita: From the point of view of the archi 
tecture, you have to equate the word sen- 
suous with the word cozy. A vast space 
not a sensuous environment. Frankly, 1 
equate the sensuousness of a room with 
the ability to lock the doors. But, Шеп, 1 
have three kids running around. 


14. 


pLaygoy; Defend vinyl siding. 
vita: Pm certainly not dumping on it, but 
I don't sce it as a product that belongs in a 
historic district. I would never say that 
vinyl siding is appropriate to put on a 
house that is an antique. But it’s very 
appropriate if someone is creating a 1986 
replica of a 1686 garrison. Let's face it 
The economics of housing today make 
carefree living very important. Mainte- 
nance is expensive, and it doesn't make 
any sense to force people into situations 
where they constantly have to worry about 
getting the то: to paint the house, 
There are some improvements 1 would 
refuse on aesthetic grounds, such as add- 
ing a Florida room to a perfect Federal 
house, I wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot 
pole. Marrying materials is another of my 
pet peeves. Гт a big booster for natural 
materials, though in today's economy 
harder to айога them. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Could you move into a house that 
needed no work at all? 

vita: No, I could never move into some- 
body else's space without personali 
1 bought this house from a fellow who had 
just spent a year working on it, and it has 
taken me nine years to get it into closc-to- 
terrific shape. Не had—oh, God, the 
bedroom—he had just put up some Vic- 
torian wallpaper, a replica that was 
shades of green and mustard. yellow, and 
it had a pattern that was a series of repeat- 
i plumes going up the walls. 
moonlight, it looked like giant spiders 
crawling across the walls. It was 
I always hate to remove matcrial that 
somebody has spent good moncy on, but I 
couldn't live with that. 


16. 


Are there opportunities in Ameri- 
can housing today such as you encoun- 
tered in Boston 13 years ago? 
vila: Yes. Some аге in the inner cities 
lor instance, has some great 
opportunitics. In the country, Maine right 
now is where Cape Cod was ten years ago 
in terms of development and potential for 
turning a tidy profit. 


17. 


What makes something worth 


PLAYBOY: 
saving? 
vita: Has it been touched by the hand and 
the mind of a designer, artist, sculptor? 1 
have a basement full of doors and dentils 
and an occasional mantelpiece, and every 
bit of it is from before 1900. In my dream 
house, I will incorporate a lot of it. 


18. 


PLAYmov: What's the critical element an 
amateur necds to get through a project? 

vita: The safety zone: the ability to get out 
of the battlefield. That may mean checl 
ing into a motel for the weekend or going 


to the trouble of creating some elaborate 
safe zone within the project. 


19. 


When other people get tense, 
Ik or eat or read. You move furni 


PLAYBOY: 


vna: 105 like juggling. Sometimes you 
ject a new element into the way you use 
a room that makes you have to juggle the 
furniture or the books around. I may go in 
to look for a book and find a certain 
amount of disarray. Everyone's gone to 
bed, so I may have a brandy and spend 
the next hour trying to figure out why cer- 
tain books ended up in a certain place, ог 
I may move the furniture around. I do the 
same thing outside. ІГІ can't swim or get 
, I may end up building something 
or knocking down trees or clearing brush. 


20. 


praveoy: When your oldest son was three, 
he climbed onto the monkey bars at nurs- 
егу school and shouted, “Let's build a 
condo!” Are you pleased with the influ- 
єпсє you are having on your children? 

vita: Yes. I just worry about making these 
children live up to something that may be 
difficult to live up to. I mean, I didn’t have 
a daddy on television. I want them to be 
themselves. If they decide that they would 
like to live on the 30th floor of some sky- 
scraper, that’s ter 


“Oh, wow! Is that ever neat! Let's ask for a 
million of them and then see how many we can really get.” 


163 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


©. освазутсо. 


12 mg. “tar”, 1.0mg,nicotine av. percigarette by FTC method. 


ON: ТЕШЕ © ee NIE 


ELECTRONICS 


ny resemblance between the original pocket calcu- 

lator and the sophisticated Lilliputian devices pic- 

tured below is truly coincidental. Aside from doing 
arithmetic, three of these models—Casio's Digital 
iary/Pocket Calculator, Seiko's Dayfiler and The Calling 
Card—act as electronic appointment calendars, memo pads 


and phone books, recording dates, names and numbers for 
future reference. (The Calling Card is as thin as a credit card 
and adheres magnetically to its own leather case) The two 
other devices bring electronic ease to the golf course and 
the wine cellar. Caddy Card is the world's first computerized 
golf-score card, while the Wine Guide II gives vintage ratings. 


Clockwise from 12: Casio's large-screen Digital Diary/Pocket Calculator features a 10,000-character memory capacity for phone numbers, 
etc, and 200-year instant calendar recall, $110. Caddy Card, the computerized golf-score card, ends the day of the three-inch pencil, from 
On-course International, Thornhill, Ontario, $50. The Calling Card is an electronic little black book that holds phone numbers, messages and 
more, from International Telesis, New York, $50, including the leather case shown. Seiko's Dayfiler is a pocket-sized solution to personal 
time management, $100. And, last, Wine Guide I1, rates vintage wines back to 1945, from Hammacher Schlemmer, Chicago, $56.95. 


SUPERSHOPPING 


Maserati design 
has gone from the 
road to the wrist in 
а Maserati watch 
with a pivoting 
body and hinged 
sides that hide the 
stem, $1100. For 
info, contact Ven- 
ture Network Inter- 
national, Arlington 
Heights, Illinois. 


That beige box just above. 
is a Videophone, and when you connect 
itto the optional TV, camera and modulator shown, 
you can send video pictures in the form of a series of snapshots (which 
remain on a screen for five to ten seconds) to anyone who has a similar hookup. 
Or use it to monitor the beach cottage when no one's there. It's 
available from Videophone, Inc, Riverside, California, 
about $600 per unit. Dick Tracy would love it. 


Panasonic wants to 
get into your head. 
This lightweight 
Soundband digital 

headphone features a 

built-in EM-stereo tun- 

er and sophisticated 
Gre 


Pale CD players. 
Soundband's 
earpieces are 

adjustable, 
about $110. 


The Professional 
Taster, at left, а 
portable foam-lined 
wooden attache 
case, contains four 
different Les 
Impitoyables— 
exclusive and 
beautiful French- 
made crystal wine- 
glasses, all 
available from the 
n Winewares division 
- r of Morrell & Co., 
166 New York, $225. 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


Designed by 
Roberto Trapeletti, 
the Italian-made 
Cose bike may 
look like a cheese 
grater, but its 
aerobic design and 
single-speed gear 
make it ап invigor- 
ating machine to 
pedal, from Cose, 
Chicago, $550, in- 
duding а гетоу- 
able headlight and 
rubber saddlebags. 


Right: The rug- 
ged Ranger-2 e 
AM/FM/weath- eo"? 


er-band portable 
radio operates 
on batteries ог 
you can hand- 
crank it, if nec- 
essary, from 
Cosmo Commu- 
nications Corp., 
Miami, $79.95, 
including the 

cover shown. 


Canon's sporty PC-3 


SPAT CR is ST event ing CA segne i j personal copier comes in 
yo АҚ VES Уе дү, SET audio- eset ларе more uni four colors—red, blue, black 
NES s 1% and * hays PIS ы И app 

features aie Bnd plays түү and white—and makes copies in 
andae comme at Voca E wireles five: black, red, green, blue and brown. 
cable ory 5 quina Its pop-up handle makes transportation 
a ШКА EN easy for anyone toting it to and from 


the executive desk, the office 
at home or the 
dorm, $695. 


GRAPEVINE 


Cheesecake 


Here are two great-looking women to check out. On the left, actress ANNA 
- UPPSTROM, and on the right, JENNIFER LEIGH RICE, who has 
made her mark in numerous commercials. Uppstrom, 
а former airline stewardess, successfully 
went Hollywood in TV gnest appear- 
ances and on the big screen 

in movies such as 
7) Caddyshack and Club 
Paradise. You may re- 
member Rice from the 
Richard Gere remake of 
Breathless, but more likely 
youknow her from Dr Pep- 
per, Budweiser and Charlie 
Commercials. Once again, 
Grapevine's on the beat. 


©1096 | 
ак рл, 


Here’s Mud in Your Eye 
ROBERT PALMER can afford the toast. His career 
is in high gear. Riptide has done so well that he's 
holding up a new album until later this spring. 

And Madison Avenue has discovered 
him. Look for his video in 
a Panasonic commercial. 


PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC. 


“ 


Two Axes to Grind 


CRAIG CHAQUICO of The Starship 
designs his own art pants, plays 
two guitars and gets to hear 
Grace sing every night. A new 
Starship album will be ready in 
the late spring and the band 
has a song on the movie 
sound track of Mannequin. 


© 1985 NICK ELGAR / LGI 


© 1986 STILLS / LGI 


I, Tina 

The wild one, TINA TURNER, is off to Europe but will be 
back to sing io a city near you this summer. Her book hit 
the best-seller li The New York Times, no less. Asked 
recently what her best feature was, even Tina mentioned 
her legs. Here's the P d the rest. 


Danish Pastry 

LINDA KRIJGSMAN left Denmark for London 

to look for rock stars—Duran Duran's John 

Taylor in particular. She hasn't had any luck with 

Taylor yel, so she's taken up a modeling career. 

The way we see it, his loss is our gain. P.S. to 
in London. 


Say Hey to Stevie Ray 
Can STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN play the 
guitar? Are little green apples green? 
His U.S. tour is about to end, and 
on his album Live Alive, he does 
what he does best. He's tour- 
ing Europe soon. Go, Stevie! 


PIP LGI 


2 
е 
E] 


ZAGATCHA AGAIN! 


Canny New Yorkers have known for years about 
the Zagat New York City Restaurant Survey, an 
informative softcover compiled by Nina and Tim 
Zagat, with a little help from about 1500 food 
mavens. Now the Zagats have broadened their 
culinary horizons: The 1987 Zagat Washington, 
D.C., Restaurant Survey has joined the New York 
edition, as have Los Angeles, Chicago and San 
Francisco. (Boston is coming soon.) Each is avail- 
able for $9.95, postpaid, from Zagat Survey, 55 
Central Park West, New York 10023. Read up! 


HOT FOR TEA 


Anyone can brew a simple cup of Earl Grey, but 
for those of you who like to do your teamaking in 
grand style, there's Mr. Tea, a 24"-high electric 
samovar made in West Germany and available in 
four finishes: gold plate (5550), silver plate 
($350), chrome plate ($300) and stainless steel 
(5250). Вест California Corporation, Р.О. Box 
2001, Glendale, California 91209, sells the samo- 
vars, and each comes with a one-year warranty 


POTPOURRI 


IT'S A WHOLE NEW LOLOBAL GAME 


Just when you thought you'd scen every crazy aerobic device 
imaginable, along comes Lolobal, a Dutch exercise toy that looks 
like the planet Saturn. In reality, it's a durable rubber ball wedged 
into the center of a plastic platform on which you squat and 
bounce your stomach and leg muscles back into great shape while 
also improving your cardiovascular system. Lolobal is available 
from In-Tech Marketing, Inc., Suite A-110, Benjamin Fox Pavilion, 
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania 19046, for $27.95, postpaid. Hop to it 


GO TO THE DEVIL 


To the locals, it’s known as the Йе du Diable; but to you, it's Dev- 
il's Island, that heautiful but infamous French penal colony 12 
miles off French Guiana, where Dreyfus and Papillon toiled in the 
tropical heat. Devil's Island was closed as a hell in 1949; now it's 
been reopened, though undiscovered, as a tropical paradise, and 
Hanns Ebensten Travel, 513 Fleming Street, Key West, Florida 
33040, includes a two-day stay there as part of a week-long “Dis- 
cover Guyane” guided tour from July 18 to July 25. In addition, 
you spend two days on Martinique and overnight in the Guiana 
jungle, checking out the region’s incredible flora and fauna. The 
cost: $1185 per person, plus $563 air fare from Miami. Now let 
someone ask, “Where did you spend your vacation?” 


REACH OUT AND 
TOUCH NO ONE 


Everybody knows that it's not what you 
own, it’s what people think you own that 
gets you moving up the status ladder. 
That's why Faux Systems, 101 First 
Street, Suite 431. Los Altos, California 
94022, created the Cellular Phoney 

plastic replica of a cellular phone that 
attaches to any surface in your car, plus 
an with magnetic base to complete 
your phony four-wheel act. АП for $17.95, 
luding monthly charges. 


chines for rolling your own cig- 
arettes. Now you can buy a device for 
rolling your own sushi. That's what we 
call progress. All you do is load the plas- 
tic sushi maker shown here with rice, fol- 
mple directions and—banz; 
little sushi ovals ready for 
‘The price: $55 
P.O. Box 1218, 
is 60521. Hai! 


LA BELLES 
ARE RINGING. 


Raymond Vincyards, onc of the 
sin 
introduced а. 
second label, LaBelle, and to 
give it a fresh new look, it com- 
missioned designer Ralph 
Collona and illustrator Mark 
Gray to create a new label for 
the project. Pictured at right is 
their Erté-inspired joint venture. 
It appears on bottlings from 

nc and chardonnay to 
white zinfandel and is also avail- 
a handsome 24" x 36" 
poster distributed by Wine Post- 


able i 


Street, 5 
$25, postpaid. Hang it next to 
your case of LaBelle vino. 


pantics a 
attached to a rcalis 
Come on! What аге 
to use for a vase? Seriously, 
Pantiroses are a pretty 
product. From a distance, you 
can't tell them from the 
real McCoy; and if you hurry 
nd call 1-800-235-6646, exten- 
on 850, the De Novo Market- 
Group, 731 S. 
Suite 20, Deerfield Beach, 
ida 33441, will try to deliver 
them by Valentine's Day. А 
alf-dozen Pantiroses (one size 
fits all) in red, white, pink or 
black go for $39.95, postpai 
dozen will set you back $ 
and. yes, De Novo accepts 
VISA and MasterCard. 


CHARDONNAY | 


THE ZEUS 
CONNECTION 


is a new extra-di 
remote-control device that’s 
ig the market with wel- 
come winter light. The hand- 
held unit zaps on lights or 
appliances (even the g 

door ope 

about 150 
sent to Novitas, In 
Euclid Street, San 
fornia 90404, 
transmitter 
receiver. Addition: 
and appliance rece 
icr modules 


garage-door-o 
are available. It's an inex- 
pensive way to light up 


m 


172 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


AUR WARS. 


SEXY DENIM 


"BEHIND THE SCENES AT SOLDIER OF FORTUNE"— 
WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO WORK WITH BOB BROWN IN THE 
EARLY DAYS OF HIS JOURNAL FOR MERCENARIES? 
FOR ONE THING, YOU LEARNED TO COVER YOUR COF- 
FEE CUP. JOIN THE FUN AND GAMES AT COLONEL 
KANGAROO'S PARAMILITARY THEME PARK WITH A PIO- 
NEER PARTICIPANT, FRED REED 


“INTENTIONAL PASS"—EAVESDROP ON THE CONVER- 
SATION BETWEEN A HOT-SHOT ATTORNEY AND HER 
LAW SCHOOL BOYFRIEND 17 YEARS LATER, WITH A 
LITTLE HELP FROM A FAVORITE FICTIONAL DIALOG 
MASTER, GEORGE V. HIGGINS 


“CASANOVA AND COMPANY"—MINISERIES KING 
RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN IS DUE IN AN ABC BLOCK- 
BUSTER ABOUT THE LEGENDARY LOVER. ACCOM- 
PANYING HIM ON THE TUBE AND IN OUR PAGES: 
SOME SOON-TO-BE-LEGENDARY LOVELIES 


“AIR WARS"—WHAT HAPPENS TO THAT PACKAGE YOU 
CONSIGN FOR OVERNIGHT DELIVERY? RIDE WITH 
THE COURIERS, FLY BOYS AND DISPATCHERS OF AIR- 
BORNE EXPRESS, THE MOST AGGRESSIVE OF THE 
NEXT-DAY CARRIERS—BY J. MAX ROBINS 


“BAD NEWS AT BLACK ROCK”—AN EX-STAFFER GIVES 


INTENTIONAL PASS 


US A RINGSIDE SEAT FOR THE SPECTACLE OF CBS 
NEWS' DESCENT TO GLITZMONGERING—BY PETER 
MCCABE 


“SEXY DENIM"—SENSATIONAL VIEWS ОҒ WORLD- 
CLASS WOMEN ІМ (AND OUT OF) A WORLD-CLASS 
FABRIC 


“THE LITTLE BLUE PILL"—WORKING UP AN AD CAM- 
PAIGN FOR A MEMORY PILL, AN AGENCY TEAM DIS- 
COVERS SOME FANTASTIC SIDE EFFECTS IN THIS 
YARN BY MICHAEL LUBOW 


*QUARTERLY REPORTS: REAL DEALS"—WHICH IN- 
VESTMENT WOULD YOU РІСК: A MUSICAL ABOUT DEAD 
NUNS, PARCHED IOWA FARMLAND OR APARTMENT 
COMPLEXES? PLAY THE GAME ALONG WITH ADVISOR 
ANDREW TOBIAS 


PLUS: A LIVELY “20 QUESTIONS" WITH RAE DAWN 
CHONG; "PLAYBOY MUSIC '87," INCLUDING RESULTS 
OF THE PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL; HERBERT B. LIVE- 
SEYS “TIN-CAN GALLERY,” HOW TO MAKE 
BLAH FOOD TASTE GREAT QUICKLY; PART ONE ОҒ 
*PLAYBOY'S SPRING AND SUMMER FASHION FORE- 
CAST," BY HOLLIS WAYNE; A SURPRISE PLAYBOY 
INTERVIEW; AND THE RELIABLE MUCH, MUCH MORE 


Not Evolutionary Т 


Na em 5 
EI A = = m x 9 т 
. 3 . ... 

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Lue 
N OF. 


THE CANADIAN 


IMPORTED BY B-F SPIRITS LTD. LOUISVILLE, КҮ. > 
CANADIAN WHISKY—A BLEND, 80 PROOF 01984 PHOTOGRAPHED AT GARIBALDI LAKE; CANADA LIGHT, SMOOTH, MEELOW.