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BOY 
| 


APRIL 1987 * $3.50 


he Women of TV's “Casanova” 
A Steamy Private Screening 


P Death at Dawn: Hoi 
Killed Its Morning 
. Jeans Too Sexy for Ad 


fi Rae Dawn Chong Tells 
What's Hot (and What's Not) 


Greed and Grit on Wall 
_ (Street: An Exclusive Interview BE * 
with Louis Rukeyser N 


If you smoke... 


Here's the latest comparative information for 
smokers who want lower tar 8 nicotine. 


Because times and tastes change, and be- 
cause of claims and counter-claims, we, the 
makers of CARLTON, present these few 
facts to you: 

In 1964, CARLTON first recognized the 
desire of some smokers to know the tar and 
nicotine content of the cigarettes they were 
smoking. CARLTON became the first brand 
to put these figures right on the pack. During 
the next 20 years CARLTON introduced 
a whole range of products, including the 
Jowest in tar of all brands, the lowest men- 
thol, and the lowest 120%. 

In the last 21 reports issued by the U.S. 
Government, no cigarette has tested lower 
than CARLTON. In the latest such report, 
CARLTON Box King was reported as less 
than 0.5 mg. tar, 0.05 mg. nicotine 

As you read through this statement, from 
CARLTON, you will see how CARLTON 
compares to other low tar products. For 
example: 


Carlton 
100's Box 


1 mg. tar 


0.1 mg. nic. 


Vantage 
100's 
9 mg. tar 
0.7 mg. nic. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


And if you're a Merit smoker, it might 
interest you to know that Merit 100's have 10 
mg. tar, 0.7 mg. nic vs CARLTON Box 100's 
at 1 mg. tar, 0.1 mg. nic. And the com- 
parisons continue. 


1005 


Merit 
100's 
10 mg. tar 


0.7 mg. nic. 


Carlton 
100's Box 


1 mg. tar 
0.1 mg. nic. 


CARLTON 1005 Box 
Carlton King 

Now 1005 

Kent Ill 1005 


Benson & Hedges 
Ultra Lights 


True King Size 

Merit King Size 

Camel Lights 

Kent Golden Lights 
Vantage Kings 
Marlboro Lights 
Marlboro Lights 1005 
Benson & Hedges 1005 
Winston Kings 


120's: 7 mg. "tar 
Slims: 6 mg. "tar" 


Our point is simply this. If you are inter- 
ested in the tar content of your cigarette, you 
should compare the tar content of your ciga- 
теце vs CARLTON. If you arc interested in 


LATEST 


CONFIRMS: 


no brand lower than Carlton 
Box King—less than 0.5 
mg. tar 0.05 mg. nic. 


CARLTON 
IS LOWEST 


Box King-lowest of all 
brands-less than 
0.01 mg. tar, 0.002 mg. nic. 


. There's a Carlton for you. Carlton Box 
King (less than 0.01 mg. tar, 0.002 mg. nic); 
Carlton 100's Box, 100's menthol Box and 
menthol King (less than I mg. tar, 0.1 mg. 
nic); Carlton King Soft Pack (1 mg. tar, 0.2 
mg. nic); Carlton 100% Soft Pack and 100% 
menthol Soft Pack (5 mg. tar, 0.5 mg. nic); 
Carlton Slims and Slims menthol (6 тр. tar, 
0.6 mg. nic); Carlton 120's and 120's menthol 
(7 mg. tar, 0.7 mg. nic). 


Box and 100's Box Menthol: Less than 0.5 mg. "tar", 0.05 mg. nicotine; 
Soft Pack, Menthol and 100's Box. 1 mg. "tar", 0.1 mg. nicotine; 

100's Soft Pack and 100's Menthol: 5 mg. “tar”, 0.4 mg. nicotine; 

6 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Jan. '85. 
' 0.6 mg. nicotine av, per cigarette by FTC method. 


Harley-Davidson” motorcycles have 
always held their value. First, because the 
people who build Harleys ride motorcycles. 
They know from experience what works and 
what doesn't. Second, because into every Harley- % 
Davidson we pour more steel, more handwork, 
more attention to detail. and something you can't 
get from any other motorcycle—more pride. 

If that’s not enough to convince you, heres some- 
thing else only Harley-Davidson can offer: 


INTRODUCING THE 883 RIDE FREE GUARANTEE. 
53995 WHEN YOU BUY. 53995 WHEN YOU TRADE. 


Buy а new Harley Sportster” 883 at a partici- 
pating dealer before July 31. 1987, and Harley-Davidson 
will guarantee you $3995 if, within two years of 
the purchase date, you trade upt to a new FX or FL 
model Harley.” 

Whether the Sportster 883 is your first Harley 
or your next Harley, you'll feel the pride of owning the 


machine that is pure American styling. 

From its classic peanut tank and 
shorty duals to its low-rise handlebar 
with lone speedo, it's been grabbing 
i» everyone’ attention on the 
Р street for 30 years. 

Declare your independence. 

See the new Harleys at your nearby 

dealer, and ask about the 883 Ride Free Guarantee? 

You'll discover it's not what you put into а 

Harley-Davidson. Its what you get out of it: Liberty, 
fraternity, equity. See your participating dealer for com- 
plete rules and details. 

53995 Sportster B83 avalatie in vivid Dock опу Or 
suggested retail price, exduding taxes, titie and regi 
dealer prep (if any). 

{Trade-in must be n average condition and good working orde 


participating dealer is an equal contributor to this trade up of 
affect find consumer cost. 


eS 5 THINGS ARE DIFFERENT ON A HARLEY: 


©1986 Harley Davidson. In 


This season, Jack Frost will be nipping at your navel. 


THE PEACHTREE FROSTY NAVEL 


The Peachtree Fuzzy Navel has just undergone a delightfulchange of 
season. We call it the Frosty Navel. 

Simply blend 1% oz. DeKuyper® Original Peachtree™ 
Schnapps, 1 oz. orange juice and 2 oz. ice cream or Half & Half 
with some crushed ice. Serve in a champagne glass. 

And enjoy a special kind of spirit this season. 


PEACHTREE FROM DEKUYPER® 


А 


Dekuyper” Original Peachtrea"Schnapps Liqueur, 48 Proof, John DeKuyper and Son, Elmwood Piace, OH. 


LIFE AT PLAYBOY can be rough. After long days of offering the best 
writers in the country high fees for their great fiction and nonfic- 
tion, and then facing up to our responsibility to review hundreds 
of seductive photographs of beautiful young women, we editors 
can get pretty worn out. As we fight the unceasing battle, it does 
us good to read about journalists who have suffered similar trials 
(well, not exactly) and lived to tell the tales. 

“Two examples spring to mind. First up, there's Peter MeCabe, 
who left magazine publishing for the redeye world of the CBS 
Morning News. Arbor House will soon publish his full account of 
the ordeal in Bad News at Black Rock—The Sellout of CBS News, 
but we invite you w sneak an carly peek. In this exclusive 
excerpt (illustrated by Robert Risko), McCabe uses his front-row- 
at-a-train-wreck perspective as a producer of the show 10 
recount such mishaps as co-host Phyllis George’s suggestion that 
convicted rapist Gary Dotson and his recanting victim, Cathleen 
Crowell Webb, hug each other on national TV. 

Also improving office morale is Fred Reed, who battled a land- 
mark assemblage of goons while laboring in the editorial 
trenches of the mercenary rag Soldier of Fortune. In Playing Sol- 
dier, Reed introduces us to the magazine's yahoo in chief, Bob 
Brown, and to the Soldier of Fortune readers themselves, who may 
have more in common with Dumbo than with Rambo. 

Such media struggles make the hard life at pLavboy a bit casier 
to take. After all, our readers are sophisticated men and women, 
and the only hugs recommended around here are those approved 
by the Playboy Advisor. Things could be worse. 

We could work for an overnight-air-express company, for 
tance. In They Fight by Night, illustrated by Anita Kunz, author 
1. Max Robins takes us over roughly 50,000 miles of bumpy 
research flights across the land of “When it absolutely, positively 
has to be there overnight.” Getting back down to earth, our бгу 
fiction offering—Intentional Pass—listens in on lunchtime talk 
between lawyers who were once in love. George V. Higgins, a frc- 
quent contributor to PLwHOv, wrote this tale of unresolved 
desires, and Dennis Mukai did the accompanying artwork. 

A different conversation is featured in Warren Kalbacker's 
Playboy Interview with stock-market maven Louis Rukeyser. The 
witty host of Wall Street Week slams inside traders and skewers 
slow-witted institutional investors. As a special Interview side- 
light for those who are mindful of the upcoming tax deadline, we 
grill the co-author of the new tax law, Democratic Representative. 
and 1988 Presidential candidate Richard A. Gephardt. And as you 
watch your earnings drain away, you may wish to consider 
Andrew Tobias’ interesting proposition in Quarterly Reports: Real 
Deals. He spots you $25,000 and offers the chance to invest in (1) 
a play about four dead nuns, (2) farmland or (3) apartments and 
motels, Which investment is best? The answer may surprise you. 

While you're studying facts and figures, visit with brainy, 
beautiful Rae Dawn Chong, who kicked off her carcer with a mem- 
orable rrAvBov pictorial in May 1982. Now an accomplished film 
actress (The Color Purple is among her many credits), Chong 
here answers Contributing Editor David Rensin's 20 Questions. 

Playing 20 pictures in this issue is Contributing Photographer 
Richard Fegley, who shot a collection of beauties in and out of 
their Calvins for Jean Dreams and also traveled to Spain to pho- 
tograph Richard Chamberlain and the women of his ABC-TV 
movie Casanova. The program was filmed once for American 
TV, with female flesh under wraps, and again for the racier 
European networks, with breasts a-poppin'. We deplore cover- 
ups and offer Fegley's pictorial as a public service. 

Rounding out the highlights are our peripatetic Playmate, 
Anna Clark; part one of Fashion Editor Hollis Wayne's look at 
spring and summer fashion; Playboy Music 87; and one more 
thing—what was it? Something from the fiction department. 
Oh, yes, now we remember: Michael Lubow's The Litile Blue Pill, 
which takes a skewed view of a miracle—um, memory— pill. We 
hope your month takes a few memorable turns as well. 


PLAYBILL 


FEGLEY 


WAYNE LUBOW 


PLAYBOY 


Europe’s answer to thinning hair 
For fuller, thicker, healthier looking hair 


Facts about thinning hair. 


Beyond the age of 25, our bodies tend 
to lose the vibrance and vitality they had 
in youth. And so does our hair, Fewer 
hairs are produced, and they tend to be 
weaker. One major reason is that the 
microcirculation to our hair follicles slows 
like our circulation elsewhere. Once 
starved of the nutrients circulation brings, 
activity within the hair follicle slows down. 
The hair begins to lose sheen, manageabili- 
ty and strength. 


Another natural symptom of maturity 
is that the body may produce fewer 
natural hair conditioners. Hair becomes 
thinner in diameter, weaker and more 
susceptible to breakage. 


You are not alone. 


Thinning and weak hair is a problem 
for men and women all over the world. 
Nearly 43% of all men have thinning hair 
and by 50 years of age, 25% of all women 
start experiencing hair thinning. Unfor- 
tunately, no product available to date 
has been proven to cure baldness or 
restore lost hair. 


Some encouraging news from research 


Recently, heart research scientists, both 
in Europe and America, noticed that 
special compounds they were testing had 


Foltene, 


a beneficial side effect. When used in 
topical hair treatments, condition of thin- 
ning hair significantly improved. The re- 
searchers then mixed a number of these 
biological extracts together to create a 
compound called Tricosaccaride® which 
is the basis for Foltene®. 

Hair Follicle 


Before 
Foltene Treatment 


After 
Foltene Treatment 


When massaged into the scalp, the 
Foltene double actionsystem actually pen- 
etrates both the hair shaft and the hair 
follicle, strengthening each hair shaft and 
rejuvenating the follicle. Although no 
product has been proven to stop baldness 
orrestore lost hair, Foltene treatment can 
provide fuller, thicker, healthier looking 
hair and better manageability with im- 
proved shine and hair strength. 


How to get Foltene. 


Foltene Treatment for Thinning Hair 
will soon be available at selected depart- 
ment stores and better hair styling salons. 
Or youcan order directly from Foltene by 
calling toll free 1-800-847-4438. (In 
Minnesota, call 1-800-742-5685.) Each 
package of 10, 7 ml ampules costs $45.00 
plus $3.50 postage and handling. For the 
initial attack phase, two packages are 
recommended. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 34, no. 4—april 1987 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL ..................,.... О Зоор омос а 3 
DEARIPLAVBOY Е & 3 
PLAYBOY/AETER HOURS o noe le raara EEA a aaa 15 
O ne ee ЕЕ УЫ DAN JENKINS 28 
МЕМ ... ASA BABER 30 
WOMEN Eee. es +. CYNTHIA HEIMEL 32 
AGAINST THE WIND ... CRAIG VETTER 33 


Cosanove's Companions 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


DEAR PLAYMATES 39 F 

THEIFLAYBOYIFORUM ле SA um 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: LOUIS RUKEYSER—candid conversation .................. 51 E ы 
CONGRESSMAN RICHARD A. GEPHARDI—quick conversation................ 58 

THE SELLOUT OF CBS МЕМЅ—анісіе...........................РЕТЕВ MCCABE 64 

ПЕАМ/РЕЕАМ$=рїеЮюпа!..... улл ОЛЕ AEEA dd 6в 

THEY FIGHT BY NIGHT—article .........................---). MAX ROBINS 78 Fihtina Fly Boys 

DRESS TO IMPRESS—fashion .... . 1 Ж HOLLIS WAYNE во 

INTENTIONAL PASS—fiction. ..................,.. . GEORGE V. HIGGINS 88 

PLAYING SOLDIER—article уу ыроо ыал ОК оа! FRED REED 90 

NIGHT MOVES—modern Ii .. GARY WITZENBURG 92 

ADVENTUROUS ANNA—playboy's playmate of the month Күлү 94 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ............. o 
THE LITTLE BLUE PILL—fiction . . . 
TIN-CAN GALLEY—food 

PLAYBOY MUSIC '87—survey .... ES 
QUARTERLY REPORTS: REAL DEALS—article . . 
HERE COMES CASANOVA—pictorial ........ 


20 QUESTIONS: RAE DAWN CHONG......... бо 5 A . 132 
FAST FORWARD ................. ee. eed 136 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE cie eme esee nein 171 Geyer Р.92 


COVER STORY Miss August 1986, Ava Fabian, fills out the contours of a deco 
jacket to perfection. Our thanks to Art Director Tom Staebler for the design, to 
Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda for the photo, to Pat Tomlinson 
for make-up and to Perry/Hollister for styling; her hair is by John Victor. 
Ava's getting easier to see, too; she will appear in Universcl's movie Dragnet 1987. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BULDING, 919 NORTH MICHIGAN AVE... CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS, DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED IF THEY ARE TO BE 


Poe Gu Pub MERN SERT BETWEEN PAGES 26-25, 


PLAYBOY 


HowTo MAKE AN INITIAL IMPRESSION. 


The fashion-conscious man attends to every: 


detail, while never losing sight of 


whatis practical. Add to your personal style with the Heritage Il initial keyring. 
Crafted in rich tones of gold with personalized silver engraved monogram, it 


isa fitting compan- 
ion forthe wel 
tailored image. 
And the precision 
come-apart mecha- 
nism makes the 
Heritage II keyring 
as functional as it 
ishandsome. 
Mostaffordably 
pricedat $10. 


Depress initial to 


keyring 
apart to 
separate. 


Keyrings 


Zz 
ma CH 


HE STOMACH ELIMINATOR’ 


For Travelers, Business Men and Women and 
Anyone Concerned with their Health and Good Looks 


| don't know about you, but | travel a 
lot and often it's simply not practical to 
go jogging or do exercise on the road. 
Worse, it often happens that you eat 
and drink too much while traveling. The 
result is stomach flab. a, 
APortable Device 
Recently, | found the 
answer to this problem. 
In Europe they have 
developed a 2% Ib. 
exercise device yau con 
carry in your ovemight 
bag, They call it "NO. 
STOMACH" Designed 
specifically 10 eliminote 
oll excess fat fram your 
stomach, it is a stretching 
ond exercise device 
made with three steel 
coil springs so you con 
adjust the level of work- 
out you want. 


© 1985 HARRISON-HOGE IND, INC. 
104 Arlinglon Ave, St. Jomes, NY. 11780 


10 Minutes a Day and 
Your Pot Belly Will Be Gone! 
That's our quorontee. If you're not 
sotisfied with how it works for you, 
return it for full refund. There ore seven 
simple exercises to do ond you con do 
them almost onywhere: In a hotel 
room, in your own home, etc. That's 
why I think the Stamoch Eliminator 
really is the answer for people wha 
trovel, who like to have good meols, 
but who don't want the pot belly thot 
‚often comes os o result. 

OUR GUARANTEE Il Wis product does rot re 


duce your stormoch sgniliconily in 90 doys, return 
for full refund. 


Cecil C. Hoge, Jr. 


Please send me: 


Stomach Eliminotorot $19.95 postpaid, 


Nome- 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 


ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asıo- 
ciate editor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER editor; 
TERESA GROSCH associale editor; WEST COAST: 
STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCHEN 
EDGREN, PATRICIA PAPANGELIS (administration), 
DAVID STEVENS senior editors; WALTER LOWE, JR 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writers; DARBARA 
NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, associate editors; BRUCE 
KLUGER assistant editor; KANDI KLINE traffic coordi- 
nalor; MODERN LIVING: ED WALKER associate 
editor; PHILLIP COOPER assistant editor; FASHION: 
HOLLIS Wayne. editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY 
editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS editor; JOYCE RUBIN 
assistant editor; CAROLYN FROWNE, STEPHEN FORS: 
LING, DEBRA HAMMOND, CAROL KEELEY, BARI NASH 
MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDI- 
TORS: ASA BABER, E. JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE GON- 
ZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL, WILLIAM J. HELMER, DAN 
JENKINS, D. KEITH MANO, REG FOTTERTON, RON REA. 
GAN, DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID SHEFF 
DAVID STANDISH, BRUGE WILLIAMSON (movies), GARY 
WITZENBURC 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO KOU- 


VATSOS associate directors; KAREN GAEBE KAREN 
GUTOWSKY, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant directors; 
FRANK LINDNER, DANIEL ВЕЕР, ANN SEIDL Art assist- 
ans; BARBARA HOFFMAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY. JAMES LARSON 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior staff 
photographer; KERRY NORRIS staff photographer 
DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG., RICH 
ARD 1ZUL DAVID MECEY. BYRON NEWMAN, STEPHEN 
wavs contributing photographers: TRIA HERMSEN 
stylist; JAMES war color lab supervisor 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
ELEANORE WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
‘QUARTAROLL RITA JOHNSON assistants 
READER SERVICE 
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager; LINDA STROM. 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


CIRCULATION 


RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD subscrip- 
tign manager 


ADVERTISING 
MICHAEL CARR national sales manager; 70% 
AQUILLA chicago manager; FRANK COLONNO, ROB- 
ERT TRAMONDO group sales managers; JOHN 
PEASLEY direct response 


Enclosed is o check/M.O. for S. Address. 


Charge my credit cord 


О Атех ODiners OViso OMC у o 


HARRISON-HOGE INDUSTRIES, INC. 
Dept. PB74X, P.O. Box 944, Smithtown, NY 11787 
Phone: (516) 724-8900 8:30 am-4:30 pm M-F EST 


Card No. __ Exp. Date 


Signature -~ 
NY Residents please odd soles tox. 


Stoe — Zip 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
р ғ там DOLMAN assistant publisher; м 
TERRONES rights & permissions manager; EILEEN 
KENT contracts administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


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When a man 
wears Fruit of the Loom* 
fashion, he's making a 
statement. About his style. 
His look. His way of thinking. 
He makes it with bold colors, 
stripes, and vivid prints that are 
all-out sensational. In fly-front briefs, low- 
rise and bikini cuts. All the looks that fit his 
look. Fruit of the Loom? fashion underwear. 
Go on. Make an under- 
statement. 


Fruit of the Loom? 
A mans fashion underwear. 


© 1988 Fruit of the Loom, Inc. 
One Fruit of ihe Loom Drive, Bowling Green, KY 42102 


Fora 17x 22° poster, send $2.00 (U.S.) to: Poster, Р.О. Box 780, Bowling Green, KY 42101. Offer good while supply lasts. 


DEAR РГАҮВОҮ 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


LOVING LEE 

What a way to start the new year! 
Luann Lee (rLavıov, January) is, without 
a doubt, the most gorgeous Playmate ever. 
1 tip my hat to Stephen Wayda for a splen- 
did job of photography. Luann certainly 
has the inside track for 1988 Playmate of 
the Year. 


Jim Steel 
Portland, Oregon 


NOT-SO-PLAIN JANE 

Back in 1980, my then girlfriend talked 
me into taking her to see the film Some- 
where in Time because she had a thing for 
Christopher Reeve. I anticipated a dull 
evening, but was I ever wrong! I was abso- 
lutely mesmerized by the exquisite Jane 
Seymour 
many girlfriends have come and gone, but 
Jane has remained firmly entrenched аз 
my number-one fantasy. For six long 
years I have waited with diminishing 
patience for PLwBOY to recognize this 
extraordinary woman with a pictorial 
Now, at last, you've done it. Thank you, 
клувоу and Contributing Photographer 
Richard Fegley, fora true work of art (Jane 
Seymour, Enchantress, т.лувоу, January). I 
have only one question for you: What took 
you so long? 


During the years since then, 


Dennis E. Dziadowicz 
Vernon, Connecticut 


I find the photographs of Jane Seymour 
in your January issue totally inadequate 
Your initial portrait, which appears on 
page 138, should be a harbinger of things 
to come 


Instead, you serve the dessert 
before the appetizer, without a main 
course in between. Less flattering photos 
of her have appeared in other, less scemly 
publications, the release of further images 
in the style of your Joan Collins, Sonia 
Braga, Pamela Bellwood and Maud 
Adams pictorials would make said tawdry 
outtakes obsolete and unappealing to all 
but the most tasteless of men and women. 

May I suggest that you bring this mat- 
ter to Miss Seymour’s attention immedi- 


ately so that we, the public, may be graced 

with her total loveliness without delay? 
Walter Emil Teague Ш 
Auorney at Law 
Fountain Valley, 


alifornia 


I loved the pictorial on Jane Seymour, 
especially those romantic costumes by 
Emanuel. Are they available 
mercially? 


com- 


Rita Galworthy 
Dalla 


Indeed, they are—at David and Elizabeth 
Emanuels Emanuel Shop, 10 Beauchamp 
Place, London S.W. 1 


haven't seen before. 


Here's one you 


JOHNSON WAXED 

Thanks for thc look at the man behind 
the glamor-cop image, Don Johnson 
(Playboy Interview, January). Johnson 
obviously takes himself very seriously 
with his rap about drug education and 
deglamorization. If he expects other peo- 
ple to listen, then he must educate himself 
first. His statement “Remember they said 
pot leads to other things" was his ration- 
ale for getting into hard drugs. Here we 
аге back to the Reefer Madness days; the 
cvidence shows that most drug abusers 


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FROM 
START. 


begin with beer, not pot. Miami Vice looks 
good; too bad Johnson is so naive that he 
believes that going to dinner with the 
Reagans will help prevent drug abuse. 
‘Jack Miller 
Dana Point, California 


If January’s interview with Don John- 
son had been a book, I would have stayed 
up all night reading! It was fascinating, 
almost titillating, to get the real low-down. 
on this sexy man. Don’s next logical step 
is to go for an autobiography. Believe me, 
it’ sell, babe, it'll sell! 

Audrey К. Kerzner 

Long Beach, New York 


RANDY DANDY 
lt was a pleasure to read Randy 
Newman’s fine thoughts on fatherhood 
and nine-to-fivers (Randy Neuman's Guide 
to Life, т\лхвоу, January), especially in an 
issue that lionized a no-talent such as Don 
Johnson. Thanks, Randy, for recognizing 
the real heroes. 
Chris Erskine, Jr. 
New Orleans, Louisiana 


SKIRTING THE ISSUE 

I am of Spanish descent. This is why I 
take a very strong exception to Bob Boze 
Bell’s depiction of the Spanish Santa 
(Christmas 1986, viav&ov, December) as a 
transvestite. To my knowledge, neither 
Spain nor Mexico is reputed to be a center 
of transvestism. Bell’s other Santas 
(Egyptian, Greek and Hopi) are humor- 
ous in that they play on traits for which 
those peoples have been known: Egyp- 
tians for their river dependency and 
haughtiness; Greeks for their Olympian 
attitudes and cuisine; and Hopis for their 
mode of travel and snake dance. The 
Spanish depiction, however, is purely 
insulting. I feel pLavsoy owes the Spanish 
world an apology. 

James Logan Diez 
Lovelady, Texas 

Bell's reply: 

I am sorry you feel that 1 offended only 
Spanish people. My intent was to offend the 
Neanderthals, Egyptians, Greeks, Hopis and 
Spanish equally—for, as I have long main- 
tained, you can offend some of the people all 
of the time, and all of the people some of the 
lime, but it is my dream to do both. 


CARR CONQUERS CARRIER 

This past November, the aircraft carrier 
Enterprise celebrated her 25th anniver- 
sary of commissioned service. As planners 
for the celebration party, we hoped to get 
various celebrities to make video appear- 
ances and wish the ship a happy birthday. 
The notion of asking Miss December, 
Laurie Carr, to extend her wishes to our 
grande dame led us to Bill Farley of your 
Los Angeles office. His enthusiasm and 
quick response made our project easier to 
accomplish and helped assure its resound- 
ing success. Miss Carr, besides being 
beautiful and talented, is very warm and 


friendly and an ideal spokeswoman for 
PLAYBOY. She and Farley proved once 
that PLAYBOY has been and always will be a 
friend of the Services. In a day when it 
scems that people write only то complain, 
we wanted to say, “Thanks, PLAYBOY.” 
You've got some pretty terrific people 
working for you, and we wanted to make 
sure you knew it. Kecp up the good work. 

Lt. Comdr. Dan Rippinger, U.S.N. 

Lt. Fred Eliot, i 

0.5.5. Enterprise, CVN-65 

FPO San Francisco, California 


POWER PLAY 

Electrified to see a very close resem- 
blance to cur Florida Power Corporation 
logo in the Rabbit's сус on the January 


Dale L. Gayken 


А 


РО Богат Pan FL SITE 8501312 


cover of PLAYBOY. Seems very apropos since 
we are both in the business of turning peo- 
ple on. More power to you. 
Dale Gayken 
Eustis, Florida 


STUPID-EDITOR TRICK 
I would like to correct what I felt was a 
major misquoting of me in your Fast For. 
ward column in January. What I said was 
that I enjoyed “barging into people's lives 
and screwing around with them,” meaning 
“joking around with them.” What I was 
quoted as saying was that I like to “screw 
them around,” which I guess implies that 
I like to do what I can to make other peo- 
ple’s lives a living hell. Which, of course, 
is not what 1 meant, a fact of which | 
believe the representative of pLaypov who 
screwed me around was well aware. I'm 
pissed off (and embarrassed) 
Merrill Markoe 
Malibu, California 
Sorry about the misquote, Merrill. Don't 
blame interviewer Eric Estrin, though; the 
transposition occurred in the editing process. 
In other words, we screwed up. 


BELIEVE OR NOT 
James Baldwin's January article Tù 
Crush the Serpent stands as one of the fin- 
ieces ever to appear in PLAYBOY about 
оп. As a former theist, I related to it 
strongly. 
zion should help you lead a better 
life, not control it. It should help you think 
better, not do your thinking for you. It 
appears to me that a modern philosophy 
based on reason, productive achievement 
and high self-esteem is preferable to one 
based on the beliefs of spirits. 
Roberto Santiago 
New York, New York 
(concluded overleaf) 


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Armor Allis registered trademark of Armor All 
Products Corporation. 


The Sylvania Supersystem 
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When you're looking for a video system, 
picture quality is probably your most 
important concern. Whichis fine with us, 
because Sylvania Supersetis renowned for 
its picture quality. 

However, when you look at our Superset,™ 
weigh the benefits of its other features. The 
178-channel capability, forinstance. The 
built-in broadcast stereo sound. And the 
available parental control, to let you decide 
what your children watch. 

And remember, the Superset is just 
part of the Supersystem. There's the 
new SupeRemote 44M, a remote 
control so advanced it works with 
virtually any wireless remote VCR or 
cable system. It's perfect for people 
who would rather watch television 
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While we're on the subject of 
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WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR 
L along with other students of Hobart 
College who read your article Top 40 Party 
Colleges (pLavoy, January), take personal 
offense at your incorrect survey. Hobart 
wasn't mentioned once, which 
came as a shock. 
John W. Lane 
Hobart College 
Geneva, New York 


rity of the student body at the 
ta Barbara 


party colleges. Duvall gives San Diego 
State University credit for being 
place that made the beach party legend 
ary." Unfortunately, SDSU's beach 
least a 20-to-30-minute drive away. Our 
campus is located on the beach 

Kevin A. Song 

Representative, Fifth Floor 

n Miguel West Dormitory 
Santa Barba 


Brown University? Come on, now, 
really? Whatever happened to Colgate? 
Alan Shirakawa 
Colgate University 
Hamilton, New York 


You overlooked a major contender, Bos- 
ton College. We have rivers of alcoholic 
ns of rich and/or beau- 


miel F. DeFabio 
llege 
Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts 


I was surprised that the University of 
Missouri at Columbia was not included 
ris Lyon 
University of 
Columbia, Missouri 


You must have bypassed southern New 
Hampshire during your recent poll 
Mike Byrne 
Keene State College 
Keene, New Hampshire 


I am a junior at California State Uni- 
versity, Chico. Thanks for nothing. The 
last thing in the world we need around 
here is more publicity about what a great 
party school Chico State is. It might inter- 
est you to know that two people were 
killed during one of our “world-class” Pio- 
neer Day celebrations. If your so-called 
reporter Wayne Duvall had bothered to 
set foot on campus, he might have known 
that, along with a few other unpleasant 
facts about America’s number-one party 
school Fm involved with this place 
because | can’t afford Harvard or Y 
What's your excuse? 

Rudy Minger 
Chico, California 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. 


SUFFER FOOLS GLADIY 


Planning on playing a few April Fools? 
Day jokes? Here are ten favorites designed 
especially with that significant other in 
mind. They come from contributors Par- 
ker Bennett and Terry Runté, who, last 
time we checked, were both single. Some- 
how, we're not surprised. 

1. Buy her the A.P.T.—Always Preg- 
nant Test. It turns vivid violet every time! 

2. Donate his/her 
Goodwill 

3. Place his/her name on the Church of 
Scientology mailing list 

4. Report his/her credit cards stolen 

5. Have an Ed McMahon look-alike 
show up at the door to hand over a check 
for $10,000,000. 

6. Buy а Whoopi Goldberg cushion—it 
makes the same sound as a 
whoopee cushion but 
acclaim for it 

7. Remove all the marshmallow bits 
from his/her Lucky Charms 

8. Replace ten-pound dumbbells with 
duplicates made of osmium, the densest 
clement known to man 

9. Replace her daily multiple vitamins 
with testosterone. 

10. Glue sandpaper to the inside of his/ 
her favorite record sleeves. 


wardrobe to 


regular 


receives critical 


FACTOID OF THE MONTH 


The only two U.S. Congressmen ever 
elected as Socialists were both killed in 
traffic while crossing the street 

. 

A recent survey of 2000 kids and their 
parents showed that given a choice of 
celebrity dolls, most of the kids would pre- 
fer to have a Vanna White. Their folks 
thought the kids should get Charlton 
Heston dolls. Soviet dissident Andrei 
Sakharoy was the big loser once again. 


SEX CHARGED 


A gynecologist bas invented a birth- 
control device that he says 


kills sperm by 
electrocuting them inside the female. The 
device, developed by Dr. Steven Kaali of 
the Women's Medical Pavilion in Dobbs 


Ferry, New York, uses a quarter-inch bat- 
tery that is inserted into the cervix or 
attached to a diaphragm. The battery cre 
ates a 3.3-volt electrical field in the cervi- 
cal mucus and destroys the sperm, with no 
discomfort for the female. Thus far, of 
course, the device has been tested only on 
baboons. 


PRESS RELEASE OF THE MONTH 


From Rhino Records, this fine piece of 
flackery heralds the release of “Boots: Nancy 
Sinatra’s Greatest Hits.” We reproduce it 
verbatim. 

“She's back!!! For the first time in 15 
years, Nancy is gonna walk all over 
you. ... NANCY has had 21 chart hits! 
including two Number Ones, Books & 
Somethin’ Stupid (with her Dad, Frank, 
who also sings) 

“This beautiful package contains exten- 
sive historical annotation and 
biggest hits. Nancy was a trendsetter and 
go-go getter during the most exciting and 
influential years that rock has ever seen 
A seminal '60's beauty and cutie who 
made pop history time and time again. 


‘atures her 


"The model '60's ‘tough girl,’ watch for an 
incredible girl-group resurgence in 1987 
Led by NANCY. Those legs, those 
thigh-high white go-go boots . . . that tiny 
little miniskirt. . 
darlin’ 


How docs that grab ya, 


LINDA LOVELACE IS MY COPILOT 


We're horrified to learn that the grisly 
story about a fatal crash caused by an act 
of fellatio is no longer just an urban myth. 
A recent issue of Aviation Safety, a staid 
technical journal that monitors airplane 
accidents, describes the late-night flight of 
a private plane that crashed into an 
escarpment near Overton, Nevada. The 
report concludes: “Investigators said lab 
tests showed the pilot's blood-alcohol level 
was 0.18 percent, and the level for his 
female passenger was 0.14 percent [and] 
local police reported that, as evidenced by 
the position of the bodies and certain inju- 
ries to the pilot, the passenger was per- 
forming an act of oral sex at the moment of 
impact.” Aaaaargh 


ATTATURK! 


It took six years in Turkish courts for 
Suleyman Gurersci to get a divorce. After 
his 21-year marriage ended, Gurersci went 
toa computer-dating service to find a new 
Out of 2000 candidates, the com- 
puter selected his perfect 
Caglasa, the woman he had j 


wife. 


So he married her again. This time he 


plans to be more tolerant. 


ONCE A COED.... 


Ann-Margret, though an alum of 
Northwestern University, has promised to 
leave her body to the Harvard Medical 
School. 


I HAVE A GUB 


Auempting to rob a bank, Gerald 
Rodgers handed a teller a note in which he 
threatened to blow up the bank with a 
bum. The bum, said the note, would “go 
of whenever E won't it too, and I won't 
hesitate to kill anybody starting with you 


15 


16 


RAW DATA 


Average number of 
letters received by 
the President of the 
United States in one 
day: 20,000. 
. 
Number of pra 
calls from viewers of 
The 700 Club logged 
i 4,000,000. 
more than 


Pieces of mail sent 
out by the Christian 
Broadcasting Net 
work in one усаг 
26,400,000. 

. 
Amount spent on statelottery 
tickets in the U.S. in one year: 
$0,355,700,000. 


. 
Annual gross national product of 
Nicaragua: $2,400.000.000. 
б 


Annual income per person in Nica- 
ragua: 8720. 

. 

Public funds spent on 25,000 home- 
less individuals per city: in Chicago, 
$2,500,000; in Houston, $0. 

. 

Number of malls and shopping cen- 
ters in North America: more than 
26,000. Percentage of all retail 
that are transacted at shopping malls: 
55 10 60. 


les 


. 

Percentage of television owners who 
have VCRs: 38. Cities with the most 
VCRs per capita: Las Vegas and Reno, 
Nevada, where 61 percent of TV own- 
ers have them. 


. 

A few other arcas in which Nevada 
leads all states: highest percentage of 
licensed drivers, 78.3; highest high- 
way-latality rate, 5.67 deaths per 
100,000,000 miles of travel; lowest per- 
centage of residents who told the cen- 
sus they'd voted in the 1980 national 
election, d 


. 

Percentage ol people nationwide 
who told the census they'd vote 
1980 election: 59.2. Perce 
actually voted in i 


Percentage of indi- 
idual tax returns 
not examined by the 
Internal Revenue 
Service in 1984, the 
most recent year for 
which figures arc avail- 
able: 98.7. 

б 

Number of injuries 
in one year in US 
involving — cheerlead- 
ers: 5000; involving 
ashtrays: 6000. 

. 

Total number of 
McDonald’s restau- 
rants world-wide 
9000 and climbing. 

. 


Percentage of Japanese who fear 85- 

year-old Emperor Hirohito: four. 
. 

Percentage of Greeks who say they 
don't trust Jews: 57. Percentage of 
Grecks who say anti-Semitism is “little 
or not at all widespread”: 53. 

. 

Proportion of Polish cities with 
sewage-treatment plants: less than 
half. Proportion of Polish rivers 100 
polluted to drink from: nine out often 

. 

Grenada's unemployment rate prior 
to 1983 U.S. invasion: 14 percent. At 
present: about 30 percent 

б 

Most popular kind of music among 
South African whites: country. Least 
popular: opera 


. 

Total of people in large Ameri 

cities killed by police: in 1971, 353; in 

tio of blacks to whites 

killed by police: in 1971, seven to one; 
in 1978, 2.5 to one. 
. 

ge of black quarterbacks in 

football League: in 1975, 

a f black run- 

1985, 86.4. 


Pere 
the National 


ning backs: in 1975, 65. 
. 


Number of bla in the National 
Hockey League: four. Number of Sut- 
ter brothers in the National Hockey 
League: four. Total number of Sutter 
brothers: six. 

— TOM YOUNG and PAUL ENGLEMAN 


first.” The note warned bank person- 
nel against using “markt money . . . 
exsplosive rubber bands” and further 
directed, “And you get of out thing alive. 
And whenever I leave act like nothing 
happen or eles.” Rodgers got away with 
$4550—temporarily. It seems he had 
scribbled the note on one of his mother’s 
checks, from which he'd cleverly scratched 
out her name but lefi her account number. 


AMAZING STORY 


Sylvester Stallone, who disappeared as 
a Jimmy Hoffa clone in the film F.l.S.T., 
surfaced late last year ав a spokesman for 
the Teamsters’ antidrug campaign 


HEADS-UP EMPLOYEE 


A United Parcel Service worker in Lou- 
isville, Kentucky, opened a leaking pack- 
age marked AEROSOL to see if it actually 
contained volatile aerosol cans, which are 
not acceptable cargo. He found 12 human 
heads, which are acceptable for shipment 

P.S. Although “upset and discom- 
the worker eventually regained 
his composure, repacked the heads and 
shipped them off to a research center in 
Denver. 


FAMOUS LAST WORDS 


Life isn’t fair, and that’s why every 
comic has a heckler. That's also why every 
comic has certain stock lines that exist just 
to put hecklers in their place. We sent 
Michael Walker out to collect put-down 
lines from comedy stars and up-and- 
comers. Here's what he heard. 

"What's your name? Bob? Can I call 
you Dick?” 

“105 hard to believe that out of 
8,000,000 sperm, you were the winner.” 

“Listen, I don't come down to 
McDonald's and hassle you while you're 
working.” 

“You're a good example of why some 
animals eat their young.” 

“Who did your hair, a robin?” 

Most of those lines are the lingua franca 
of comedians the world over—originators 
unknown. 

Some, however, are the sole property of 
their authors. 

“I remember my first beer.”—Steve 
Martin. 

“I tried calling you earlier, but they 
said you were out walking your rat."— 
Johnny Carson 

“What were you expecting? An Aviance 
night?”—Bob Goldthwait. 

“If Spam could talk, I guess you're 
what it would sound like."— Steve B. 
Smith. 

“Apparently, we're playing by Ameri- 
can League rules and you're the desig- 
nated asshole."— Jim Samuels. 

Nice body odor, lady. You smell like 
landfill."—Billy Crystal in his Buddy 
Young, Jr., character. 

Life may not be fair, but it can be 

equalized. 


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ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


BLONDIE was a group, and title blonde 
Debbie Harry all but vanished after the 
aggregation disintegrated five years ago. 
This was due partly to the long illness of 
her life collaborator, Chris Stein, partly to 
the disappointing sales of her klutzy solo 
album with Nile Rodgers. But with Stein 
(and Rodgers) chipping in and J. Geils 
music man Seth Justman at the controls, 
Reckbird (Geffen) skillfully updates 
Harry’s half-moll, half-Marilyn half par- 
ody. The lyrics are tough and sexy and 
slightly dizzy, the groove more lithe and 
professional than Blondie’s pop punk, yet 
not so tricky that Harry trips over it. If the 
result could sound a mite fresher, that’s 
mostly because Harry’s competing with 
versions of herself—her innovations made 
the Bangles and Cyndi Lauper and Madonna 
and even Tina Turner commercial propo- 
sitions. It's also because the late Seventies 
were Harry’s heyday, and not many pop 
icons get more than one of those 

To prevent unprofitable confusion, the 
white Run-D.M.C. tells the truth at least 
once on Licensed to Ш (Def Jam): "We're 
the Beastie Boys, not Cheech and Chong.” 
As for all the stuff about their guns, their 
girls, their dust, how they fucked the sher- 
iff’s daughter with a Wiffle-ball bat and 
went into your locker and broke your 
glasses, well, who knows? Im not even 
positive they subsist on beer, ale, White 
Castle and Chef Boy-Ar-Dee—like 
Cheech and Chong, these three hard-core 
refugees aren’t above exaggerating for 
effect. But they’re funnier than Cheech 
and Chong, and not only do they have a 
better sense of rhythm, they have the 
whomping electrobeats and ripped-off 
power chords of hip-hop mastermind Rick 
Rubin leading them on. Exploiting his 
patently inauthentic protégés, Rubin 
seized his chance to go too far, and the 
Beasties weren’t about to say no. Not since 
early punk has gleeful swagger been so 
much fun. 


NELSON GEORGE 


Bobby “Blue” Bland’s After All 
(Malaco) is not a classic album; but then, 
this is not a classic period for blues. The 
core black audience that supported the 
blues, and Bland, for years has been 
diminished by age, while the white college 
students who were the heart of the late- 
Sixties blues revival now study municipal 
bonds and condo conversions for enter- 
tainment. Still, Bland, raspy voice and 
supple phrasing intact, continues (as one 
song title puts it) Walkin’ & Talkin’ ES 
Singin’ the Blues. Backed by the dedicated 
folks at Malaco Records and the bluesy 
soul producers Tommy Couch and Wolf 
Stephenson, After All is a statement of 


A second chance to be wild about Harry. 


New stuff from Debbie, 
Bobby “Blue” Bland 
and Little Steven. 


craft, not inspiration, that pleases but 
doesn’t excite. 

Sadly, the same can be said of Doug E. 
Fresh’s Oh, My God (Danya). Fresh, billed 
as “the original human beat box,” is an 
exciting performer bursting with hip-hop 
enthusiasm. Yet the grooves and musical 
puns that made his The Show a rap 
anthem are repeated on cut after cut of his 
debut album, turning Fresh’s charm into 
redundancy. But you’ve got to hear Play 
This Only at Night, 2 cut in which rap 
mates with a pretentious synthesizer 
arrangement that Yes would envy. It is 
“progressive rap,” and it works. 


DAVE MARSH 


Little Steven Van Zandt superseded his 
status as a former member of the E Street 
Band with Sun City and his galvanizing 
presence on the final day of the Amnesty 
International tour. Both managed to ex- 
press deep social concerns—ranging from 
apartheid to the incarceration of Native 
American activist Leonard Peltier— 
with music that combed rock ’n’ roll, 
reggae and hip-hop and kept the best. 

Freedom—No Compromise (Manhattan), 
Little Steven’s third solo album, picks up 
where those events left off. His fusion of 
black American, Caribbean and African 
rhythms and native-American chants 
gains coherence because the underpin- 
nings are red-hot guitar licks and intricate 
synthesizer playing that bring everything 
back to a common root in danceable rock. 


‘The high-tech dance rock that results isn’t 
inevitably successful—sometimes it's a 
mite mechanical and cold, and Van 
Zandt's singing is on the abrasive side of 
raucous—but at its best, it clears a space 
in which stories can be told. 

Little Steven’s last solo album, 19848 
Voice of America, threatened to sink under 
the weight of its own slogans. Freedom 
offers fewer catch phrases, but it’s a lot 
more convincing. In Pretoria, Bitter Fruit 
and Sanctuary, you fecl the cflects of the 
policies Van Zandt abhors because he cre- 
ates characters who have to endure them. 
Opening Pretoria, he need say nothing 
more than “I was standing in Pretoria / 
Waiting for the sky to fall” to promise 
everything that Paul Simon is afraid to 
tackle in Graceland—and he delivers, too. 

Van Zandt’s skills as a collaborator also 
allow him to increase his emotional range 
greatly. His working with Rubén Blades 
makes Bitter Fruit the prettiest piece of 
music here; his working with Bruce 
Springsteen turns the defiance of Native 
American bittersweet, giving it Lennon- 
like emotional complexity. At the end, in 


GUEST SHOT 


TWENTY YEARS АСО, a young blues gui- 
tarist named Steve Miller signed his 
first contract with Capitol Records, 
saying, "I'm going to be making 
records here in 20 years.” He was 
right. His latest Capitol release, “Liv- 
ing in the 20th Century,” is his 17th 
LP. We asked him to review “Live 
Alive,” by another esteemed blues gui- 
tarist, Stevie Ray Vaughan. 

“Guitar lovers, pay attention. Lie 
back and take off on a musical 
fantasy full of energy to burn: 
deep-blue endings, beautiful tone 
changes, thrilling vocals and amaz- 
ing whang bar! I'm talking Live 
Alive, y'all, a double portion of 
Double Trouble with Stevie Ray 
Vaughan at the controls. In this 
double live set, Stevie puts you right 
оп the sweet spot by playing bril- 
liantly and innovatively. Every seri- 
ous music buff should get this one. 
In fact, you should have his whole 
catalog in your library. Do yourself 
a favor—get it all on compact disc. 
It will really make your world turn 
around. 'Nuff said.” 


7 


FAST TRACKS 


OCK 


[amra | eamm || es || а a 


SKMETER 


FA 


Stanley Jordan | 


Standards Volume 1 4 | 


ala ls iy 


Bob Geldof 
Deep in the Heart 
‘of Nowhere 2 


5 


5 


Duran Duran | 
Notorious 


& Double Trouble 
Live Alive 


| 
| 


Stevie Ray ламе | 


ls | 
La Tadg 


Prince, "cause he don't miss. 
18 


GOOD GOLIY, A NEW MISS MOLLY DEPART- 
MENT: We hear that little Richard has 
converted to Judaism. Richard credits 
the bedside chats he had with Bob Dylan 
after his car accident as the catalyst. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Dionne Warwick 
has been cast as a madam in Rent a 
Cop, starring liza Minnelli and Burt 
Reynolds. . . . When La Bamba, the 
movie bio of Ritchie Valens, is released 
this summer, it will make Hollywood 
history by being the first live-action 
film to come out in English and Span- 
ish simultaneously. It features music 
by Los Lobos and Santana and stars Brion 
Setzer as Eddie Cochran and Marshall 
Crenshaw as Buddy Holly. . . . Robert 
Frank, who directed a controversial and 
seldom-seen Stones documentary, is 
making There Ain't No Candy Moun- 
tain in Canada with David Johansen, 
Tom Waits, Joe Strummer, Leon Redbone 
and Dr. John. . Director Taylor 
Hackford will make On the Line, abouta 
kid who works on an assembly line by 
day and plays in a rock band by night. 
He plans to find an unknown actor and 
then try to launch him as a recording 
artist. .. . Music by Tears for Fears and 
Bananarama will be featured in Private 
Investigations. . . . Roger Daltrey is set to 
star in his first American-made film, 
Dark Tower. . . . Look out for a Huey 
Lewis documentary, which will include 
concert footage, a Paris jam session with 
The Boss and Huey on the golf course. 

NEWSBREAKS: Miami Vice and Crime 
Slory producer Michael Mann has a two- 
hour pilot about the music biz ready 
to air. If it goes, it will be an NBC se- 
ries. . . . Mick is working alone on his 
next solo effort and preparing, we hear, 
to tour with Jeff Beck, among others. . . . 
Miles Davis plans to collaborate with 
Prince, about whom he says, “I admire 
EE 


Random House editor has inspected 
the recently discovered Jim Morrison 
manuscripts and believes they are 
authentic. Peter Gethers, editorial direc- 
tor of Villard/Random House, has 
made an offer for the 15 unpublished 
songs and a 24-page poem, hoping to 
publish them. China Kantner is mov- 
ing to New York to take a permanent 
spot on MTV as a video jock. The sec- 
ond generation rocks on. . . . Our favor- 
ite quote machine, Ted Nugent, recently 
spoke at the Alaskan Bow Hunters 
convention in Anchorage to promote 
the sport among young people. “It’s 
the least I can do for my fellow man,” 
says the Nuge. . . . After Tom Petty and 
the Heartbreakers release their new 
album, it’s off to Europe with Dylan, 
followed by a summer tour in Amer- 
ica. . . . Bill Wyman and Graham Nash 
are taping a TV pilot, with Wyman host- 
ing in London and Nash in L.A. The 
half-hour show, All the Young Dudes, 
will focus on the relationship between 
music and the culture of the Sixties. . . . 
If the newly proposed immigration 
restrictions that call for an artist to 
prove extensive commercial success 
and command a high salary go into 
effect this year, a lot of acts won't make 
it over here until they're famous. 
Groups like The Police and Squeeze 
would never have been allowed in until 
after they proved their popularity. 
That would prevent us from secing new. 
talent and would leave artistic а 
sions in the hands of the immigration 
clerks. Susanna Hoffs and Vicki 
Peterson of the Bangles are shopping for 
a publisher. They have a steamy book 
in the works. Peterson says, “It’s about 
real sleaze-bags having a sexy slumber 
party where they decide to form a 
band.” Look out, Jackie Collins. 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


Sanctuary, he does sling some slogans. But 
Sanctuary is supported by a track that 
picks up where Sun City left off, and in this 
context, you want to shout every line 
along with him. 


CHARLES М. YOUNG 


I put off listening to Bob Geldof's Deep 
in the Heart of Nowhere (Atlantic) a couple 
of weeks in fear he was going to make me 
feel guilty about something. God knows 
there's lots of stuff to feel guilty about, and 
that is Geldof’s cross to bear: He organ- 
ized Live Aid and acquired this image as 
savior/saint/politician of the New Age, 
and who can dance to songs when you are 
morally inferior to the singer? This is 
rarely a problem in rock `п' roll, and 
Geldof has tried manfully to solve it with 
some nifty pop production by Rupert 
Hine and Jimmy Iovine. The first cut, 
This Is the World Calling, is completely 
successful and deserves to be a hit. The 
lyrics throughout the rest of the album, 
however, reveal an artist who is still wres- 
tling with original sin and might have 
been more comfortable in seminary than 
in the pagan realms of rock "n' roll. “Inno- 
cence will always be the only / True moral 
alibi / But I should never try to protect 
you / From being aware of our crimes," he 
tells his baby (of the infant varicty) in 
to Day. | hope Geldof runs for 
ister someday, and it was 
shameful he didn’t win the Nobel Peace 
Prize, but I doubt that this album will 
be spending much more time on my 
turntable. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Stanley Jordan’s Standards Volume 1 
(Blue Note) represents a quantum leap in 
taste and depth over the innovative gui- 
tarists showboating 1985 debut, Magic 
Touch. Standards again relies on such old 
pop chestnuts as The Sounds of Silence and 
Moon River, but this time Jordan uses 
these shopworn tunes for some serious 
improvisational excursions. 1 mean, the 
man really сш here. And as you marvel at 
the dazzling, filigreed orchestrations, you 
have to remind yourself that you're listen- 
ing to just one man, one guitar—and no 
overdubs. On the other end of the spec- 
trum, we have the Georgia Satellites 
(Elektra), a bunch of good ol? Atlanta 
boys who learned that archetypal Chuck 
Berry riff real good. Now they re going to 
use it to whomp upside the head all those 
wimpy young “roots” rockers who whine 
on about integrity and Miller Beer. We're 
talking huge, chunky guitars wrapping 
those whiplash riffs around those same 
three or four chords we all know and love. 
We're talking The Stones chugging Perrier 
from the Fountain of Youth. We're talking 
the original Faces’ raucous charm, minus 
the sloppy edges. We're talking a bar band 
from heaven that’s out to raise hell. 


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ByBRUCE WILLIAMSON 


TWO WOULD-BE New York actresses who 
have been sleeping with the same man 
(more preciscly, a rat, portrayed by Peter 
Coyote) learn that their mysterious lover 
is on the lam out in the Western badlands 
and may destroy the world unless they can 
stop him. At last they do, of course, abet- 
ted by George Carlin and a tribe of 
motorbiking Indians armed with bows 
and arrows. Did I mention that Outro- 
geous Fortune (Touchstone) is a camp-it-up 
comedy co-starring Bette Midler and 
Shelley Long, directed at reasonably high 
speed by Arthur Hiller? Well, brace your- 
self, because these women make their way 
winningly through the kind of slaphappy 
misadventure once considered the pur- 
view of Hope and Crosby on the Road to 
virtually everywhere. Eluding CLA men as 
well as a Russian acting coach with possi- 
ble K.G.B. connections, Long plays the 
serious-minded simp who affects ethnic 
accents and proves conclusively that she 
knows her Stanislavsky. Midler handles 
the down-and-dirty lines in her patented 
manner, twisting simple innuendos into 
lariats to roundup laughs by the carload. 
Without Bette, there might be time to sit 
back and ponder pesky questions about 
the screenplay. With her, doubts are soon 
banished and Fortune smiles. ¥¥¥ 
. 

Performers breaking away to stretch 
their talents in uncharacteristic roles add 
an clement of utter surprise to Square 
Dance (Island Pictures). Jane Alexander, 
usually asked to play plainer Janes, lets 
herself go as a trollopy, bar-hopping beau- 
tician who lives on the wrong side of Fort 
Worth. She's a born floozy having a fling 
at motherhood with a teenaged daughter 
who has mostly been raised on the farm 
with her crotchety old grandpa (Jason 
Robards). Among the eccentrics the girl 
gets to know in the city isa retarded young 
man—played by Rob Lowe, of all people, 
with such persuasive and poignant vul- 
nerability that his swarm of fans will 
scarcely recognize him as their favorite 
hunk. These actors deliver fringe benefits 
that far outweigh the intrinsic merit of 
producer-director Dan Petrie’s fairly con- 
ventional coming-of-age drama about 
youth, yearning and down-home truth in 
Texas. IV 


. 

This year’s bumper crop of comedies 
gets a boost from Woody Allen with Radio 
Days (Orion), a hybrid of Forties nostalgia 
and pure nonsense. Try to imagine Neil 
Simon's Brighton Beach Memoirs com- 
bined the dreamy boyish decadence 
of Fellini’s Amarcord as a clue to the tone 
of Woody's rowdy reminiscence of Jewish 
family life in a Long Island beach town 
way back when. Radio Days, narrated by 


Fortune's Carlin, Long, Midler. 


No slings, lotsa arrows 
in Outrageous Fortune; 
Woody's back to the Forties. 


self, features precocious Seth 
alter ego, a kid named Joe 
whose fantasies spin around the Green 
Hornet, the Shadow and a Masked 
Avenger. Meanwhile, little Joe’s relatives 
sit home imagining the glamorous world 
of quiz shows and celebrity gossip—some 
of it exemplified by the soap-opera exist- 
ence of a dizzy hat-check girl named Sally 
(Mia Farrow), who sleeps her way up the 
showbiz ladder before and after Pearl 
Harbor. Tony Roberts, Wallace Shawn, 
Jeff Daniels, Danny Aiello and other 
members of the Allen stock company con- 
tribute choice bits, none choicer than 
Dianne Wiest's stint as Joe’s man-hunting 
aunt or Diane Keaton's cameo as a night- 
club chanteuse wearing a snood. Almost 
plotless but not pointless, this tuneful trib- 
ute to golden oldies on the airwaves during 
America’s age of innocence ranks in th 


twice as funny and meaningful as a mag- 
num opus by anyone else. УУУ 


. 

An implausible but tidy plot by writer- 
director Curtis Hanson helps The Bedroom 
Window (De Laurentiis) shine a bit. Steve 
Guttenberg plays it straight as a hot-shot 
Balumore architect who has just chmbed 
out of bed with his boss’s wile (Isabelle 
Huppert) when she witnesses an assault 
on a girl (Elizabeth McGovern) in the 
street below. Only the faithless wife can 
accurately identify the assailant, a homi- 
cidal sex maniac who is scared off one 


murder but swiftly moves on to others. So 
Guttenberg does the gentlemanly thing, 
claiming he witnessed what the lady says 
she saw. Such gallantry, he learns, may be 
tantamount to slipping a noose around his 
own neck. While the corpse count mounts, 
Window is apt to grab and hold you 
as a formula thriller spiked with boy- 
meets-girl verve, plus a handful of neat 
surprises. Ya 


. 

Since he began making movies adapted 
from plays, director Robert Altman has 
found pretested stage works to be surpris- 
ingly good launching pads for his own 
eccentric sensibility. Altman creates a 
madcap romance for those who think Jung 
from Christopher Durang’s Beyond Therapy 
(New World), which hardly made theatri- 
cal history but did infuse some new comic 
life into 1001 oft-told jokes about psychia- 
try. Just when you thought it was safe to 
go back to your shrink, Beyond Therapy 
arrives with proof that secking mental 
health is sheer insanity. In the moon- 
struck company gathered here, Jeff 
Goldblum and Julie Hagerty play Bruce 
and Prudence, an unlikely couple who 
meet through a personals ad in New York 
magazine. Their first encounter, in a 
French restaurant, holds dim promise 
when he begins by telling her, “You have 
lovely breasts,” then confesses that he’s a 
bisexual with a roommate named Bob. 
Prudence has yet to discover that their 
therapists (Glenda Jackson as his, Tom 
Conti as hers) occupy adjacent offices and 
occasionally nip into a connecting room 
for a zipless quickie. While both Jackson 
and Conti are inspired zanies, the chief 
scene stealer among the accomplished 
screwballs at large is Christopher Guest, 
mincing hilariously as Bob, who offers to 
marry Bruce if they can find “some crack- 
pot Episcopal priest” to do the job. The 
precarious state of human affairs as 
revealed to Altman and Durang becomes 
frazzled in the telling at times, but 
seasoned Altman watchers are used to 
a degree of disorientation. This time 
around, he makes lunacy seem almost 
lyrical. ¥¥¥ 


б 

Touching a nerve that has given many 
men more than a twinge, The Good Father 
(Skouras Pictures) charts the anguish of 
an English family bloke in emotional con- 
flict because he is clearly destined by 
nature to wind up living alone. Played 
with edgy neurotic intensity by Anthony 
Hopkins, Bill is your average urban misfit. 
He has left his wife but is blindly jealous of 
her new boyfriend. He himself has met a 
younger woman who loves him, but he 
doesn't much give a damn. Occasionally, 
he wants his wife back; he misses his 
young son but deep down detests the boy 
for coming between them. Father becomes 


ye” “prona 


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23 


PLAYBOY 


24 


more interesting ıhan a standard case his- 
tory when Bill sets out to wreck other peo- 
ple’s lives—beginning with that of Roger 
(Jim Broadbent), a quiet guy who's also 
estranged from his wife and child. Bill 
becomes his chum’s malevolent Tago, and 
Hopkins plays the role with highly civi- 
lized relish. Overall, director Mike Newell 
makes much of a literate, subtle screen- 
play (adapted from a novel by Peter 
Prince) that is short of moment-by- 
moment excitement, long on sobering sec- 
ond thoughts. YW 
. 

Just as its title suggests, Czech director 
Jiri Menzel’s My Sweet Little Village (Circle 
Releasing) is an affectionately observed 
hodgepodge of human comedy. The mov- 
ie's gallery of rustic oddballs includes a 
whimsical doctor, an adulterous couple, a 
jealous husband, conniving bureaucrats— 
as well as a testy truck driver and his half- 
witted partner, whose accident-prone 
escapades smack of vintage Laurel and 
Hardy. Menzel’s wry humor is all in a 
minor key, as understated as in his Closely 
Watched Trains, winner of a 1967 Oscar for 
best foreign film. Two decades later, Little 
Village has a si г air of folksy familiar- 
ity, seldom brilliant but consistently lika- 
ble and unassuming. ¥¥ 

. 

Like many another French psychologi- 
cal melodrama, director Andre Techine's 
Scene of the Crime (Kino International) has 
more smooth talk than it has tantalizing 
suspense, The film’s one unequivocal 
asset is Catherine Deneuve, a legendary 
beauty as well as a fascinating actress who 
brings some elusive moyie magic to every 
part she plays. Here, she’s a provincial 
single parent who operates the local lake- 
front disco and becomes passionately 
attached to an escaped criminal after he 
has threatened her young son with bodily 
harm. The affair comes to a bad end and 
so does the movie, following a murder or 
two, anguished Ocdipal complexities and 
words, words, words. Even so, Deneuve 
is Deneuve is Deneuve. You might do 
worse. YY 


. 

The opening credits state explicitly that 
Personal Services (Vestron) “is not the life 
story of Cynthia Payne,” a London 
brothelkeeper who became а household 
word in England through scandalous 
headlines followed by a book about her 
wicked ways. What follows the movie’s 
wry disclaimer is undoubtedly far more 
amusing than straightforward biography 
With feisty Julie Walters (star of Educat- 
ing Rita) as a waitress who sces a brighter 
future in hustling than in slinging hash, 
director Terry Jones of Monty Python 
fame has conspired with writer David 
Leland to bring off a brassy, sassy, 
rambunctiously rude and cynical black 
comedy about hypocrisy vs. men in heat. 
A score of respected. British character 
actors appcar as scekers of “executive fun 
for the over-40s . . . kinky but not cruel.” 


McCowen, Services’ "lady" in retirement. 


A fun-filled British 
brothel beats a 
boring American one. 


Notable in the line-up is Alec McCowen 
as a retired wing commander, a transves- 
tite who усагпз "to reveal the exotic 
underbelly of this beloved country." The 
Johns traipsing through Personal Services 
are generally middle-aged, rather sad 
men, the sort whose wives knit them pull- 
overs but remain unaware of their baser 
needs. Ebullient and amazingly innocent, 
Walters is a procuress par excellence who 
describes the services she provides—any- 
thing from the Nanny and the Schoolboy 
fantasy to the House of Pain—as “just like 
a Tupperware party, only I sell sex 
instead of plastic containers.” Jones takes 
a tolerant, unjudgmental position toward 
human folly, and the prostitutes on 
parade are down-to-earth tarts, anything 
but pinups. Lots of salty talk about balls 
and blow jobs may well offend prudes, 
which is probably the aim of this curious, 
ribald comedy. Truly one of a kind. ¥¥¥ 
б 


The strong feminist slant of an Ате 
can independent feature titled Working 
Girls (Miramax) strives for a statement 
but winds up telling us nothing new. 
Director Lizzie Borden presents a joyless 
day in the life of a wholesome-looking 
hooker (Louise Smith) who suffers 
through a double shift in a tidy big-city 
brothel. When she's not with her pathetic 
customers—identified derisively as Fag- 
bag Jerry, Fantasy Fred, and so on—she 
discusses life ad nauseam with other work- 
ing girls on duty. They don’t take much 
pride in what they do, but it’s a choice 
they have made out of economic need. 
With dullish dialog and indifferent-to-fiat. 
acting, Girls reaches the foregone conclu- 
sion that whoring is boring. Y 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 
The Bedroom Window (Sce review) High 
interest on the wages of sin. WA 
Beyond Therapy (Sec review) Altman on 
an entertaining head trip. УУУ 
Brighton Beach Memoirs (Reviewed 2/87) 
1 Simon enjoyed being a boy. — YY 
Children of a Lesser God (12/86) It’s a 
love feast, hers and Hurt's. way, 
The Color of Money (12/86) Put your bet 
on Newman for an Oscar. УУУУ 
Crimes of the Heart (3/87) A sister act 
way down in Mississippi. WWA 
Dead of Winter (3/87) Steenburgen is 
dandy as the woman in jeopardy. WWW 
The Decline of the American Empire 
(12/86) Lusting in academia. WWW 
The Fringe Dwellers (3/87) Aussic abo- 
rigines learning city ways. БЫЛ 
The Golden Child (Listed 3/87) By nor- 
mal standards, a miss—but a hit by 
virtue of Murphy's law. К 
The Good Father (Sce review) Broken 
family man on a quiet rampage. ЖУУ 
The Good Wife (3/87) Love triangle in 
the Australian outlands. ш] 
Heartbreak Ridge (Listed 3/87) Rough- 
and-ready Eastwood maneuvers. Y'A 
Little Shop of Horrors (3/87) Steve Mar- 
tin steals a damn good show. vv 
The Mission (1/87) Jungle drums, high 
purpose for Irons and De Niro. ЖУУЙ 
Miss Mary (3/87) It’s Julie Christie in 
very fine form, as usual. жун 
The Morning After (3/87) Fonda on a 
holiday from high-mindedness. — YY 
My Sweet Little Village (See review) Some 
Czechs knee-deep in local color. YY 
Outrageous Fortune (Scc review) From 
fair to Midler, and that’s good. 9% 
Personal Services (See review) Love für 
sale from a London bawd. vv 
Platoon (1/87) Vietnam debacle jolt- 
ingly re-created by Oliver Stone. WWA 
Radio Days (See review) Back to the 
past with Woody and family. ww 
Scene of the Crime (Sec review) Haute 
cuisine if Deneuve is your dish. Y 
Something Wild (2/87) On a sprec with 
Daniels and Griffith. wy 
Square Dance (Sec review) Growing up 
deep in the heart of Texas. wh 
Stor Trek IV (Listed 2/87) Trek for Trek, 
about as good as they get. www 
The Stepfather (3/87) Another family 
man gone berserk. A tingler. wy 
Thérése (3/87) Simple French peasant 
girl’s journey to sainthood. ww 
Working Girls (Sce review) A so-so new 
look at the oldest profession Y 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


¥¥¥¥ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


THE ONLY TIME we hear about them is when 
they blow something up. So The Arabs: 
Journeys Beyond the Mirage (Random 
House), by David Lamb, comes as a well- 
timed relief from the bum raps, the exag- 
gerations and the silly stereotypes from 
which our burnoose-wearing friends suf- 
fer. As he was in The Africans, Lamb is 
journalistically alert—his account of the 
first days of the Israeli occupation of 
southern Lebanon is first-rate, and one 
even comes away with a better under- 
standing of the delicate and dangerous 
complexities of that devastated country. 
Lamb gives good overview and introduces 
something fresh into the Middle East: a 
calm evenhandedness. 


What were the Sixties all about? Were 
they about anything? Was the decade—as 
many believed—a time of hope, trust and 
faith, or was it just another long prayer 
session at the feet of the great American 
god Hype? These are some of the ques- 
tions that come to mind while reading 
John Gregory Dunne’s bleak and intri- 
guing novel The Red White and Blue (Simon 
& Schuster), which traces the hell-bound 
fortunes of leading hype masters (and mis- 
tresses) from the early Sixties to the mid- 
Eighties. We know them, these people; at 
least we recognize them: the celebrated 
“thinker-actress” whose dumb vanity and 
cynical opportunist “sisters” lead her to 
North Vietnam and farm workers’ strikes; 
a lecherous President with a polit 
appreciation for the marketable, the 
radical-lawyer lady who serves “the con- 
stituency of the dispossessed” with the fer- 
vor of those who measure success by the 
sacrifice of others; a Vietnam veteran who 
runs for office and runs amuck. Schemers 
and users, each and every one of them. An 
ugly crew, on the whole, and one whose 
portraits have a haunting quality. These 
are not people who fade from memory 
after the last page is turned; they're still 
with us, in fact as well as fiction, still ped- 
dling the same old fertilizer. 

Аз a master in the lean-cuisine writing 
school, Dunne is crisp and fluent, as 
always. He doesn't drown us with words; 
he doesn’t set out to dazzle with tricky 
stunts; he just tells his story—many 
stories, in The Red White and Blue—and 
then he makes us think. 


D 

Sct in the parish of Feliciana, Loui N 
and peopled with characters from the new 
South who are lively, sensuous, humorous 
and haunted, Walker Percy’s novel The 
Thanatos Syndrome (Farrar, Straus & 
Giroux) is written with his usual brilliance 
and grace. Percy asks a basic question in 
this book: If you could reduce crime and 
misery in your community by adding 
heavy sodium to your water supply, would 
you do it? That is the question Dr. Tom 
More eventually has to unravel as he 


The Arabs: a misunderstood people. 


Lamb dispels Arab myths; 
John Gregory Dunne 
dissects celebrity hypesters. 


notices subtle changes in the behavior of 
his patients, friends and family. A psychi- 
atrist whose reputation has been smeared 
by a two-year prison term for illegal pre- 
scriptions, Dr. More stumbles on a plot for 
behavior modification that is plausible 
and frightening. Chemical fascism, you 
might call it. And, as Percy shows, it could 
be very near. 


. 

Jay, the hired assassin in Her Majesty's 
Hit Man (Morrow), by Allan Prior, kills for 
queen and country. Wham. Bam. Thank 
you, ma'am, and please deposit the royal 
kill fee in a numbered Swiss account. All 
veddy civilized. Then the CIA recruits Jay 
for a very nasty bit of business and the tea 
party turns into a tempest. Prior, who can 
claim authorship of more than 250 plays 
for British television among his other liter- 
ary laurels, writes with tough conviction. 
Begin Hit Man on a cold, clammy night 
and then just uy to escape from its 


clutches. 
. 


What do fundamentalists in Vi 
gays in California, retired people in Flor- 
ida and cult followers in Oregon have in 
common? More than you might think, as 
Frances FitzGerald describes in Cities on a 
Hill (Simon & Schuster). Subtitled “A 
Journey Through Contemporary Ameri- 
‘can Cultures,” FitzGerald's book takes us 
on a tour of Jerry Falwell's Liberty Baptist 
College in Lynchburg, San Francisco's 
neighborhood “the Castro,” the Florida 
retirement community of Sun City and 
Rajnecshpuram, the town in Oregon that 


the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh incorpo- 
rated. Four states of the Union, four states 
of mind and culture—and yet, as FitzGer- 
ald shows, all are part of our American 
tradition: the search for identity and per- 
fectibility. “The mechanism at work was 
not a melting pot but a centrifuge,” she 
writes, “that spun them around and 
distributed them out again across the land- 
scape according to new principles.” Fitz- 
Gerald describes the centrifuge in which 
we live and the places to which we are 
spun with clarity and unique perception. 
. 


Ultimate Powers (Simon & Schuster) is 
the story of the making of the atomic 
bomb, from the moment the Hungarian 
physicist Leo Szilard deduced the key to 
nuclear chain reaction while crossing а 
London street in 1933 to the instant of 
apocalypse at Hiroshima 12 ycars later. 
This is a dense and sometimes over- 
whelming book with a huge cast of charac- 
ters, including the scientists Szilard, 
Einstein, Oppenheimer and Bohr and the 
politicians, soldiers and civilians who 
made it all come true. To them we owe the 
dismal fact that every man, woman and 
child on the planet lives under the same 
mushroom-shaped umbrella. Author Rich- 
ard Rhodes demonstrates his usual narra- 
tive instinct as he leads us from one 
momentous development to the next, 
occasionally blinding us with a little too 
much science, though he stays clear of 
philosophical murk and concentrates on 
the men and events in documentary fash- 
ion. Despite its unalterably grim subject, 
this is a compelling and highly readable 
book—the thriller to end all thrillers. 


BOOK BAG 


The Paris Review, 100th issue: The Paris 
Review is an American literary institution, 
la crème de la creme of literary journals. 
Founded in 1953, it recently published a 
celebratory 100th issue. And what a cele- 
bration it is. Contributors include Nadine 
Gordimer, William Maxwell, Harold 
Brodkey, Raymond Carver, James Dickey 
and Czeslaw Milosz. A collector's пет of 
literary heavyweights. 

The News of the World (Norton), by Ron 
Carlson: He knows how regular guys feel 
and writes about it thoughtfully, wittily, 
expertly. The 16 stories in this collection, 
which cover everything from wives who 
are friendly to dogs that are not, have 
more dynamism than you'll find in ten 
other story collections put together. 

The World's Most Extroordinary Yachts 
(Norton): Another coflee-table spectacu- 


cal lifestyles of the rich and (some- 
times less than) famous. 


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28 


SPORTS 


A; chancellor of this university, I have 
long been in favor of clcaning up the 
image of collegiate athletics, and I there- 
fore wanted to be absolutely certain that 
we had nothing but student athletes on our 
basketball squad before we sent the kids 
off to compete for the $800,000,000 that 
goes to the winner of the Final Four. 

‘That was why I asked each member of 
our team to fill out a questionnaire. I 
wanted to be sure they were making satis- 
factory progress toward their degree: 

I'm happy to report to the N.C.A.A 
that based on the results of my internal 
es, every single player at our 
institution scems more than interested in 
higher education. We have nothing to be 
ashamed of. 

I hereby submit as evidence the ques- 
tionnaire that was filled out by Tom 
“Trailer Hitch” Henry, our all-conference 
center and a 3.2 student in communica- 
tions. Sure, you may find fault wich some 
of the spelling and grammar, but Tom was 
in a hurry when he answered the ques- 
tions. I know for a fact that he was late for 
a test in English lit. 

Name: Same one I've always had, which 
is what people call me by. The Hitch. 

Date of birth: 1 didn’t have no time for 
dates when I was getting bom. 

Place of birth: In a hospital, like every- 
body else, unless you mean where my 
momma and daddy got it on. That could 
have been lots of places, just like nowadays 
when my daddy slips off to nail Irene and 
Claudette and my momma stays home to 
fuck Ed and Charley. 

Mothers name: Y never called my 
mother by no name, not ever, even though 
she was white trash. 

Father's name: Dickhead. 

High school: Which one? 1 can think of 
several in my town alone. 

Junior high school: Junior went to the 
same school | did until the dumbass got 
hisself arrested for stealing a Winnebago- 

Grade school: 1's OK most of the time. 
The pizza joint ought to deliver quicker to 
the athletic dorm. 

Favorite sport: Polo. What kind of a 
fucking question is this? 

Hobbies: Drugs, whiskey, 924s. 

Favorite food: Pussy. 

Favorite team: Celtics, or anybody who 
comes up with enough gift wrap. 

Why you chose this university: Mary Alice 
Johnson went here and I just followed 
them tits. 

Favorite course: P.E, but that thing 


By DAN JENKINS 


A JOCK'S 
COLLECTED PROSE 


where you look at maps is kind of fun. 

Goals in life: 1 could score a lot more 
goals if the motherfuckers would pass me 
the ball. 

Favorite book: Y cawt remember the 
me of it, or what guy with a beard wrote 
but it was real good. 

Outstanding quality: 1 firmly believe in 
this and think everybody should have 
some. 

Weakness (if any): Duke, Louisville, 
North Carolina. 

Fondest childhood memory: The day 1 
found old Billy Bob between my legs and 
saw that sumbitch stand up at attention! 

Person who had greatest influence on your 
life: Coach T. in high school. He was a 
great man who taught me not to fart in 
mixed company. 

Others who influence your life (list in order 
of importance): (A) Coach Big "Un here at 
the university. He's responsible for my 
cars, my apartment, my $2000 in aid per 
month and making sure I pass everything. 
(B) Mr. Booter at the “М” Club, who out- 
bid them other chickenshit schools in the 
first place. (C) Miz Baxter, my tutor, who 
writes real good term papers, because she 
knows old Billy Bob takes care of her. (D) 
Chancellor Tipper. He's a good ol’ boy 
who likes to win. (E) “Bundle” Feinstein. 
An athlete can’t have no finer agent. He's 
been with me since high school and Га 
trust him with my best Porsche. (F) Mr. 


Furch, my jollogy teacher. He makes rocks 
and dirt and dinosaurs real interesting. 
(G) My wife, Sheila. She flys for a airline 
and stays gone a lot, but when she’s home, 
she don’t gimme no shit on days ofa game. 
Billy Bob says it’s a good thing or he'd cut 
her ass off. 

In your opinion, who are the three grealest 
men in history? (А) Larry Bird. (B) 
Aberham Lincoln. (C) Clint Eastwood 
and Bruce Springstein (tie). 

Is there anything you would change about 
your present curriculum? 1 have never used 
a curriculum. I say if the bitch gets preg- 
nant, she can get the fucking thing fixed. 

In what direction would you like to see your 
university go in the future? | just wish 
everybody would stay off our ass and let us 
play basketball. 

How fair are the media? ‘Them assholes 
don't know shit. 

Should lady sportswriters be allowed in the 
locker тоот? Billy Bob don’t complain. 

What profession do you plan to pursue 
when your basketball career is over? This is 
unfair question to ask somebody 
"t even completed his education 
and don't know what opportunities has 
been stored up for him. I think I will prob- 
ably work in free private enterprise, how- 
ever, looking at it objectionally. 

What is the most important thing you can 
say lo a youngster taking up your sport? Get 
you a good outside shot and don't turn 
down no cock, it’s bad luck. 

Write a brief essay on what America means 
to you personally: America is a great coun- 
try, because we have very few foreigners. 
America probably has fewer forcigners 
than any other country. When you look at 
television and see foreigners fucking 
around, it makes you glad to be an Ameri- 
can. If we blew up more foreigners, we 
wouldn’t have to put up with what we put 
up with, which is all that shit in the news- 
papers nobody reads. America is great 
because of sports, and I think it would be 
greater if people left sports alone and let 
athletes inspire little kids, Youth is impor- 
tant. If we don't watch out for youth, they 
will get fucked up and then what? We must 
keep youth from doing drugs until they are 
old enough to handle it. America should 
be against war, except when it happens, 
and then we shouldn’t back off from no 
shitasses anywhere, because if we ever lost 
a war, there wouldn't be any sports per se, 
probably. I really believe what I 
think about America. E 


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Tre: is something dead at the center 
of most feminist rhetoric today. The 
ideas behind it are rattling like bones in a 
closet, and we sense that the keepers of 
this angry faith are mouthing clichés, not 
truths. Try this, for example: 

“The other day a very wise friend of 
mine asked: ‘Have you ever noticed that 
what passes as a terrific man would only 
be an adequate woman?” A Roman candle 
went off in my head; she was absolutely 
right. What I expect from my male friends 
is that they are polite and clean. What I 
expect from my female friends is uncondi- 
tional love. . .." Anna Quindlen wrote 
this stuff in a New York Times column 
called “Life in the 30s.” “I keep hearing 
that there’s a new breed of men out there 
who don’t talk about helping а woman as 
though they're doing you a favor. - . - But 
from what I’ve seen there aren't enough of 
these men to qualify as a breed, only as a 
subgroup.” 

Can you hear the wind? Are you hud- 
dled in your subgroup? Are you staying 
polite and clean as the coldness settles 
around you? 

Take heart, men. A sexual springtime is 
coming. I've scen a glimpse of it. The 
good news is this: The Anna Quindlens of 
the world are going to be passed by, left to 
sit in their ice palaces. The sun is shining 
оп a new generation of women, and they 
are far more ready to be our partners and 
friends and compatriots than the radical 
feminists who have blasted us for years. 
In its very shrewd and practical way, 
this) new. generation has come to bury 
Quindlen, not 10 praise her. 

Yes, I’m talking about a new breed: the 
generation of women who are in their 
20s, As I get to know them, I am truly 
impressed, They are bright and beautiful; 
but best of all, they are independent in 
thought and take nothing for granted, not 
even the insistent admonitions from some 
of their older sisters that the snows of dis- 
approval must never melt. 

The members of this new breed are 
postfeminist. Blind faith in any rhetoric is 
not their style, Tough, rational, scarred, 
uncertain of what's ahead, they are in the 
process of examining feminism and adopt- 
ing only those elements that are useful to 
them. They are, as а generation, one hell 
of a lot fairer to men 
lake the Jogger, for example. 

The Jogger is 25. She is redheaded, 
quick-witted, athletic. She has a stubborn 
chin, clear green eyes, a long neck, very 


By ASA BABER 


A NEW BREED 
OF WOMAN 


long legs. I met her first through a series of 
letters she wrote to me about this Men 
column. We talked by phone, and when 
she came through Chicago on business 
recently, we did her version of lunch: a run 
in the sun instead of martinis in a restau- 
rant. The Jogger has her M.B.A., is on the 
corporate fast track, makes twice as much 
money as I do and has the stride of a race 
horse. The next time, ГЇЇ take my roller 
skates and a clip board; nonetheless, it 
was worth the strain and pain. I think the 
Jogger speaks for many women her age. 

“I was born about the time feminism 
came on the scene, and I got very strong 
profeminist signals as a child. I remember 
in fifth grade, the teacher asked us to draw 
a picture of what we wanted to be when we 
grew up. Not one girl in my class drew a 
picture of a wife or a mother or a home- 
maker. We were all carcer-oriented. 

“Nobody ever asked us what we 
wanted. We were simply told what we 
should be. It was assumed we wanted 
careers more than we wanted relation- 
s, that we'd focus on business and let 
marriage and family happen later. The 
feminists thought they knew what was 
best for us. Sounds a little pompous, 
doesn't it? 

“Му generation is severely criticized by 
older feminists for not being feminist 
enough. I really resent that. I think they're 
missing the point. What are we supposed 


to do, mimic everything they did? We're in 
our 20s. We've watched our parents screw 
it up, and we don’t want to repeat their 
mistakes. 

“Sure, I run into sexism in business. Га 
have to be blind not to see it. But I look at 
it as a problem to be solved. I don't get 
hysterical about it. When some male I'm 
working with tells me to go get the coffee, 1 
see clearly that he's sexist. I get the 
damned coffee, go on to show him I’m very 
good at my real job, get him to trust and 
respect me, and then I talk to him about 
his attitude. It’s very unemotional. 

“I'm not interested in fighting the femi- 
nist wars. I’m much more interested in the 
question of choice—for men as well as 
women. Do we have the choice of doing 
what we're really inspired to do, male and 
female? If you want to stay home and raise 
a family, do you have the choice? If you 
want a career, is that option available? 

“My generation doesn't see open 
choices ahead. We've led very insecure 
lives, and there doesn’t seem to be much 
security in the years ahead. We live off 
plastic and see an economy deeply in debt 
and a Social Security system whose failure 
is going to hit us like a ton of bricks. We're 
being handed enormous obligations by the 
older generations. Why should we trust 
them when they tell us what to think? 
They're cutting off our choices.” 

We had a good run, the Jogger and 1. 
She brought a new view to an old war. In 
her way, her vision is much tougher than 
Anna Quindlen's. Yes, in some ways, the 


Jogger seems too good to be true; but she 


exists, and as she looks down the road, 
what she sces is not pretty. 

“Му generation, male and female, is the 
new proletariat. We get our credit cards 
and business degrees and health-club 
memberships and mortgages and pretend 
we're in Fat City. But we're disposable. 
We're replaceable chips. This society will 
wear us down and usc us up and then turn 
us in for newer models. We'll end up with 
no choices at all if we're not careful. Sur- 
vival is going to depend on men and 
women working together. So we've got to 
stop fighting with each other.” 

I left the Jogger fecling that there was 
warmth after winter, spring after snow, 
and that the women of her generation were 
a special breed. I also felt winded and 
sore-legged, but that’s what you get when 
you're in fast company. 

I didn’t mind. I had seen the sex- 
wal future, and st was sunny. El 


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32 


WOMEN 


I hat one, black-leather vest, over 
there,” I said. “Don't look; he’s 


looking at us.” 

Lucy swiveled discreetly. “Plaid shirt? 
You're not serious." 

“No, no. The опе with the nose." 

"Thats better. Yes, very nice. Very 
tasty. Looks like he'd beat you up if you 
asked him to. Even if you didn't ask. 

“Trouble,” I crooned across the room in 
the Lone Star Café in New York City, 
“come to Momma." 

And, of course, he did. And, of course, 
he had three ex-wives, had done time, 
flaunted a serious cocaine problem and 
thought that Hank Williams, Jr., was a 
much better singer than his daddy. 

“I can't stand a man who thinks Hank 
Jr. can sing better than Hank,” I said to 
Lucy. “Let's leave.” 

Of course I'm kidding! Of course I 
wouldn't pick up a man with ex-wives and 
prison sentences and drug addictions in a 
bar! What do you think I am? 

Well, anyway, I wouldn't have left with 
him. No way would 1 have walked into the 
night with such a stranger on my arm. But 
it is possible that if he had better musical 
preferences, hadn't doused himself with 
after-shave, had talked to me about his 
existential angst, looked misunderstood, 
called me darlin’ and told me a good joke, 
I might have taken his number. 

Do 1 hear the sound of a million men 
slapping their foreheads and cursing? Arc 
many of you thinking, Dames! You try to 
he sensitive, be good to them, give them 
equal rights, and what happens? They 
revolve right out the nearest door with a 
bozo with tattooed knuckles! 

Not too long ago, 1 was watching Love 
Connection, a TV show where you get to 
choose your dates, and there was this 
adorable guy on, looking for love. “I don’t 
understand,” he said something like. “I 
wash their cars, paint their houses, pick 
them up after work, take care of their kids, 
and women don’t like me.” 

“Oh, you moron!” 1 yelled at the TV. 
“Why don’t you just lie down on a platter 
and put an apple in your mouth?” 

Yes, it’s true; Women are perverse. We 
like trouble. Some of us court it like hot- 
headed kamikaze pilots. Others of us are 
content to go once a year to a Clint 
Eastwood movie. But we all want it. It’s 
the curse of our existence, Several books 
have been written on the subject. Millions 
of hours of therapy have been spent. I 
should do a best-selling video on the sub- 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


ASKING FOR 
TROUBLE 


ject and make $1,000,000. 

There are reasons. 

A man who will paint your house will 
cook you meat loaf. A man who will cook 
you meat loaf will want to watch you 
shave your legs. A man who will want to 
watch you shave your legs will hold your 
hand and cry at sad AT&T commercials. 
A man who will hold your hand and cry at 
sad AT&T commercials will fall apart if 
you leave him. 

We can't stand this. It makes us feel all 
weird and responsible and claustrophobic, 
as if this man who paints our house can’t 
tell where his personality ends and ours 
begins. A man who paints our house is a 
man, we feel, who wants to merge. A man 
who will look at us with eager puppy-dog 
eyes when we are trying to get the bills 
paid. A door mat. Door mats are scary; 
they need too much. We like someone we 
can collide with who won't fall down; we 
like resistance. There is nothing as unat- 
tractive as a man collapsing at one’s feet. 
Someone who doesn’t need us is a lot less 
scary than someone who needs us too 
much. 

So we'll go for a guy who gives us that 
crucial distance, who forgets to call, fails 
to buy flowers, has difficulty remembering 
our names. I know it’s dumb. 

There’s more: When we fall flat on our 
faces for the crazed sculptor who drinks 
himself into a stupor whenever possible, or 


the lecherous tramp who wants to put a 
bag over our heads, what it really means is 
that we want to be that fellow. We want to 
be the self-destructive artist who goes on 
such a bender that three full days are lost 
from his memory. We want to fuck every- 
one we sec. But women don't do this. Or 
maybe they do, but then they're not cool. 

Difficult men are considered cool, 
romantic, interesting. Difficult women arc 
considered deranged, sicko, neurotic nym- 
phos. So we see а fellow who is trouble and 
we identify. All those secret subterranean 
urges that we deny in ourselves are ma 
festcd in this man, and we fall madly i 
love with him, often not even vaguely 
understanding that we're falling in love 
with an aspect of ourselves that we've 
denied, hidden, blocked, felt terribly 
ashamed of, ignored. Before | was a 
writer, I had a husband who was a painter 
but a passive guy. He could hardly tie his 
ovn. shoelaces. So I took over. 1 got his 
paintings off the floor and into frames. 
sent to art galleries. I made him go 
after dealers and buyers. I pushed that 
poor fellow mercilessly. Meanw! 
І wasn't helping my spouse, I was lan- 
guishing in bed, eating cookies and watch- 
ing soap operas. I had no life of my own. I 
was living through my alleged better half. 
I couldn't figure out why I was depressed. 

‘Then the penny dropped and I ended 
my marriage and started working. My ex- 
husband is still confused. I tell him 
women often submerge the stronger, more 
difficult, selfish, interesting parts of their 
personalities and live through others. He 
still doesn’t understand why baking cakes 
isn't enough. 

T have seen healthy women’s eyes go 
limpid and their voices become husky with 
lust when bad boys are mentioned. If you 
don't have real excitement in your life, 
you'll go for it in bed 

Here's my proposed scenario for you 
good, sensit : Say 
you've got a crush on an adorable girl 
named Gladys, but Gladys is mad for 
some guy who crushes beer cans on his 
forehead. Here's what vou do. Say, 
"Gladys, haven't you always wanted to 
play the saxophone?" 

"So?" she'll ask. 

“Quit your accounting job, Gladys; 
know you hate it. Get the goddamned sax- 
ophone out of moth balls and go for it. 
Start hanging around all night in smoky 
jazz clubs, practicing li 

“My hero,” Gladys will say to you. 


, when 


AGAINST THE WIND 


here'll be no amnesty; that's clear 
I by now. My last hope was when 
they reformed the tax system. I thought 
they were going to give us bandoleros a 
chance to come down out of the hills with- 
out paying the full price for our fugitive 
years. Didn't happen. So this is it, the 
moment Гуе been worrying toward all 
these years. This is the confession. Pm 
tired of life underground. 1 cant go 
through another April, cruel and sweaty 
as they've become. It’s time to come 
clean. 

1 haven't paid any Federal income tax 
in . . . oh, 14 years or so. I'm not sure. I 
have a real bad case of selective memory 
about the whole business. That's what 
happens when you get behind. You don’t 
keep track, because you don’t want to 
know the details of the mess—how much, 
how long. You don’t want to know the 
truth, because the truth has been getting 
uglier and uglier every day for 14 years. 
About 14 years. 

I went hurtling off the track in classic 
style. I got divorced and I left my staff job 
to free-lance at the same time, which 
amounted to a double whammy when one 
whammy would have done the job. My 
income shriveled down to $8000 and 
$9000 a year, in some years, and when the 
bell rang for everybody to pay his taxes 
those Aprils, I didn’t have any money, so 1 
just skipped the whole exercise. Told 
myself that we could straighten it out the 
next spring, when things came up a little 
greener. 

Except the next April, 1 was still wear- 
ing the same pair of jeans; and the April 
after that, my biggest shame was the 
money I owed to friends, not what I owed 
the Government—whatever the hell that 
was by then. Plus interest, which I knew 
was being calculated by approximately 
the same formula that’s used to find the 
acceleration of falling bodies. Unfortu- 
nately, the tax people don’t recognize any- 
thing like terminal velocity. 

For the most part, I’ve learned to live 
with the galloping anxiety of my dirty lit- 
tle secret; but around the beginning of 
every year, it begins to bear down in ways 
that are hard to ignore. Every year around 
January, the IRS starts planting tax-bum 
stories in the newspapers and on TV and 
you see big wire-service photos of various 
poor cheats and evaders being led off in 
handcufls, raincoats over their heads, 
while the G men put their houses up for 
sale, tow their cars away and attach their 


By CRAIG VETTER 


L TAX FUGITIVE 


bank accounts. 

Then, sometime in February or March, 
опе tax rebel or another gets on a radio 
talk show, yammering bravely that he 
hasn't paid any taxes in years, hasn't even 
filed, because according to his reading of 
the Constitution, he doesn’t have to. Some 
time later, of course, you run across the 
wire-service photo of him being dragged, 
weeping and pleading, into a Federal 
courthouse. 

Come April, I'm a wreck. Friends who 
are in their own scramble to file and pay 
begin to ask what I’m doing in the way 
of deferments and exemptions: IRAs? 
Keoghs? Real estate? Jojoba farms? Wind- 
mill ranches? When I tell them that 1 
haven’t seen a W-2 form in more than a 
decade, their lips usually go into that 
tight little circle and they say, 
*OOOOO0000h," which usually means 
they're thinking something like, 1 cried 
because Ї had no shoes; then 1 met a man 
who had no feet. 

All these years, of course, Гуе known 
there was going to be a hard reckoning— 
jail, maybe; new financial ruin at least. 
I've worked on several approaches for 
when the moment occurred. I noticed one 
year, while Ronald Reagan was governor 
of California, that he paid no state income 
tax ona net worth of several millions, and 
I decided to just go ahead and pay what he 
paid every year and tell the IRS that Pd 
taken him as my moral and financial 


model. Somehow, though, it seemed like a 
low-percentage play, something like a bur- 
glar standing in front of a judge, remind- 
ing him that Richard Nixon never did 
time. In the meantime, Harold Washing- 
ton came into the picture, and I really took 
heart for a while. 

Washington was a candidate for mayor 
of Chicago when it was alleged that he 
hadn't filed any tax returns for years. He 
called it a technicality, said that he hadn't 
really owed anything anyway, that he defi- 
nitely hadn't been trying to cheat the 
Government or anything like that. And 
damned if it didn’t work for him. Sort of. 
He pleaded nolo contendere, paid 500 
bucks, did 30 days in jail and promised to 
be better about the whole thing from then 
on. So I decided Га just ask for whatever 
deal he got, minus the jail time, if we could 

ossibly work that out. Then he was 
elected mayor of Chicago, and it occurred 
to me that maybe that was the real pun- 
ishment he'd agreed to, and that pretty 
much cooled me off on that idea. 

So now it's down to this: public confes- 
sion and surrender. And how bad can it 
be, anyway? I own nothing that could be. 
sold at auction for more than about $112. 
There are no savings, no investments. I 
earn my living as a free-lance writer, and 
it’s a sorry little dribble of an income, for 
the most part. So what are they going to 
do? 

It’s a question I've asked myself every 
April for the past 14, and the answers I 
come up with are the reason Гуе never 
turned myself in. Jail, for instance. They 
could slap me in a Federal penitentiary 
and feed the story to the newspapers next 
January. Or, if 1 catch them in a good 
mood, maybe they'll just take 90 cents of 
every dollar I make for the rest of my life. 

Or—and this is a suggestion if they 
happen to be listening—they could make 
an example of me in another, more posi- 
tive way, a way that would be a signal to 
the millions of other tax fug 
there. They could acknowledge that to 
defer is human. They could let me back in 
the system for whatever I owe and forgive 
the monstrous interest that has surely 
accrued 

I'm willing to promise that none of this 
will ever happen again. In fact, there's an 
election coming up, and ГЇЇ even run 
for mayor of Chicago, if that’s what 
it takes. Ej 


33 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


NVI) husband and 1 have been together 
since our first date six years ago. He is 32 
and I am 36. I probably had more sexual 
experience than he had prior to our meet- 
ing, but neither of us would have qualified 
for the Guinness Book. When we began our 
relationship, I had already tried and 
rejected most artificial methods of birth 
control for various health and aesthetic 
reasons, so from the beginning, we used 
basal body temperature combined with 
creative lovemaking as a safe, fun and 
effective method. We had intercourse only 
on rare occasions, and although I missed 
it somewhat at first, the alternatives more 
than made up for what I was missing. My 
husband—then boyfriend—didn’t seem 
to miss it at all. I became accustomed to 
almost never having intercourse; however, 
because of this infrequency, I have been 
like a virgin every time, With enough fore- 
play and lubrication, the pain gives way to 
pleasure and 1 usually have no trouble 
reaching orgasm. But—and I wonder how 
many times Ihese words have been uttered 
һу а woman—he takes too long to come. I 
usually have to ask him to withdraw in five 
to ten minutes after my orgasm because of 
discomfort, and we use other means to his 
orgasm, Although he’d like to come inside 
me, he says he doesn’t mind and I really 
think he doesn’t. So, no problem, right? 1 
mean, we're talking safe—never as much 
ав а close call in six years. 

So why am I writing to you? Because 
now we want to make a baby. We no 
longer try to avoid my fertile time—we 
aim for it. But I still can count on one 
hand the number of times he’s ever ejacu- 
lated inside me. This is undoubtedly low- 
ering our chances of parenthood. I see 
how we're both contributing to the prob- 
lem. I suspect, and he agrees, that his 
difficulty in reaching orgasm through 
intercourse is at least partly because he's 
so used to manual and oral stimulation. 
My reluctance to initiate intercourse 
because of anticipated discomfort and 
frustration at his failure to achieve orgasm 
only perpetuates the cycle. Clearly, what 
is needed here is more fucking, but how do 
wc get started? He is very resistant to the 
idea of sex therapy. In other ways, our 
relationship is very good, and even this 
has not been much of an issue, but I fear it 
will become one as I creep closer to meno- 
pause and no baby is in sight. Do we need 
sex therapy? Or is there something we can 
do on our own to increase both our sexual 
pleasure and our chances of conceiving 
a child?—Mrs. Н. M., Los Angeles, 
California. 

Changing your sexual rouline тау be just 
what the two of you need. We suggest thal you 
gel your husband close to orgasm—either 
through oral sex, masturbation or other 
means—then, when he feels sufficiently 


turned on, you can attempt intercourse. 
While you are pleosuring him, he might do 
the same for you, so that you are both primed 
for intercourse from the moment of penetra- 
tion. It is quite common for a woman to 
become dry after her first orgasm. An artifi- 
cial lubricant may ease your discomfort. 
Finally, you might consider using an 
ovulation-prediction kit to more closely 
determine when you reach peak fertility. The 
rest of the month, you can make lave the good 
old-fashioned way. 


U am a fashion photographer and am 
interested in knowing if there is such a 
thing as a focusable soft spotlight. I see 
this type of lighting effect in many of your 
pictorials. It scems that this light is right 
оп the camera axis and, more often than 
not, illuminates only the model’s face. 
What type of light is this and where can I 
obtain one? Is there any difference 
between the quality of the light produced 
by one strobe head in a medium-sized- 
bank light box set at 1200W/S and that of 
three heads in the same size bank, each set 
at 400W/S?—D. R., Randolph, Ohio. 

Our Photo Department uses а focusable 
soft spotlight, Tri-Lite, by Norman, with a 
three-degree Spot Grid, by Balcar. As for 
your second question, there is no difference 
between one strobe head set at 1200WIS and. 
three of them set at 400WIS. 


IM, problem revolves around the fact 
that I lost a testicle as a result of an acci- 
dent a few years ago. Although everything 
functions normally, my loss has caused me 
some emotional problems. I have hesi- 
tated to become physically involved with 
anyone. As | initiate a new relationship, 
how and when should J inform the woman 


of my problem? Should I advise her of my 
shortage before we get too far involved, or 
should I let her find out for herself?— 
R. T. K., Lawton, Oklahoma. 

Your problem is only as big as you allow it 
to become. Many men are born with only one 
testicle—or suffer the loss of one sometime 
during their lives, as you did. In many cases, 
this minor physical flaw is virtually undetect- 
able. We see no point in telling every woman 
you date that you're short one testicle. If your 
secret is discovered in a future sexual 
encounter, make little or nothing of it—or 
have a clever comment handy (“I gave up my 
lefi ball in a real-estate deal that made me a 
millionaire”). Certainly, however, there is 
nothing about which you should explain or 
apologize. And as long as everything func- 
tions normally, as you put it, there's no need 
for you to worry. 


Would you please settle an office dis- 
pute? When my co-workers and I make 
reservations for lunch as a group, we are 
routinely charged a 15 percent gratuity 
before the first glass of water is filled. I say 
that this is a breach of etiquette, while 
some of my co-workers pass it off with the 
explanation that the owners are just trying 
to provide an ample living for their 
employees. The problem comes when the 
service is poor. Complaining is embarrass- 
ing, but not complaining ruins the meal. 
What is the proper action?—J. S., Detroit, 
Michigan. 

We think your best option is a complaint to 
management when service is poor. If you're 
embarrassed or uncomfortable about doing 
the complaining face to face, as many people 
are, by all means, sit down later and write an 
intelligent, factual letter detailing your 
crilicisms—and don't be afraid to mail it. 
This action may not resolve the problem of the 
automatic gratuity, but it will certainly make 
you feel better, and it will undoubtedly draw 
a response from better establishments. 


| ri sites fic metio ошаш 
health clubs over the years, 1 have often 
wondered about the medical risks that 
accompany steam rooms. I have had this 
discussion with friends who insist on using 
the men's steam room nude and sitting 
directly on the warm, wet tile, without the. 
benefit of a towel or any other protection 
and without thinking about the person 
who used it just before them. At the health 
club I recently joined, this is the standard 
practice. Гуе been told that the steam 
kills the germs. Since direct contact be- 
tween the tile and the anus and the penis 
(orthe vagina) is possible, often within sec- 
onds of another person's making the same 
contact, it occurs to me that there is a real 
ty for transmitting worms, proto- 
тоа, bacteria or viruses—including those 


PLAYBOY 


usually sexually transmitted. 1 am part of 
a small minority who insist on wearing 
something to avoid direct contact with the 
с. Without giving married guys another 
excuse to give their wives, what is the 
medical thinking on this? I would appreci- 
ate an opinion that I can provide to the 
health-club management—if I am not 
being overly sensitive on this sanitation 
issue —F. S., San Diego, California, 

So far, there is no evidence that anyone has 
caught a sexually transmitted disease from an 
inanimate object. The research on the subject 
suggests that these viruses and bacteria do 
not last for any period of time on inanimate 
objects and that direct person-to-person con- 
tact is the main method of transmission. 
However, using common sense (and a towel) 
in the steam room of your club is not a bad 
idea. It is a convenient, practical solution to 
a problem about which there are still more 
questions than answers. 


Here's a question about compact-disc 
players. Some models have a single laser 
beam to read the disc, while others have 
three. What is the difference between 
them? Docs one have an advantage over 
the other? The specs seem to be about the 
same. Other than playback features, is 
there a difference in sound qualit 
К. A., Jackson, Tennessee. 

The main difference between the single- 
laser-beam and three-laser-beam systems is 
the improved tracking with the latter. In a 
single-beam system, the tracking is handled 
by one laser, which reads the digital informa- 
tion on the compact disc and handles its own 
tracking accuracy. With the three-beam sys- 
tem, a central beam reads the digital signal. 
The two outside beams focus on the edges of 
the disc to supply tracking information to the 
servo-control circuitry. A deviation as small 
as .2 microns can be immediately corrected. A 
Ihree-laser-beam system will provide optimum 


tracking for both home and portable models. 


М, zeommate and T have decided to let 
йн тй (Кую allein ШЕ re 
unresolved despite hours of argument. 
First, he claims thata woman cannot'hava 
an orgasm while standing, because the 
aiia meh cr ital Ge fen poes 
would cause her to faint from lack of blood 
to the brain. Second, he claims that a 
woman's clitoris must be stimulated only 
very gently, preferably with the tongue. 1 
maintain that regular, rhythmic rubbing 
with one finger is more likely to get her of, 
because of the steady friction it causes. I 
realize that it may be diflicult for a woman 
to reach orgasm on her feet, because she is 
not comfortable, but is it really impos- 
sible?—C, T., St. Cloud, Minnesota. 
Women are perfectly capable of achieving 
orgasm in а standing position, and fainting 
spells are a distinct improbability. While mast 
women require some degree of clitoral stimu- 
lation in order to achieve orgasm, every 
woman has unique preferences in this regard. 
Some like it slow and gentle, others prefer 


manual to oral and some women find intense 
clitoral stimulation uncomfortable. Just as 
every human being is unique, so ате his or 
her preferences in sexual stimulation, We 
encourage experimentation as a means of dis- 
covering these individual likes and dislikes— 
and, of course, as a means of increasing the 
pleasure and satisfaction of both partners. 


Е.с books say that the optimum 
pulse rate can be roughly calculated by 
taking 80 percent of the difference between 
220 and the exerciser's age. Thus, a 40- 
year-old should try to maintain a pulse 
rate of 144 (220 — 40 x 0.80). I am in my 
mid-40s, and I have been running regu- 
larly for several years. My running pulse 
rate is usually around 160. Should I delib- 
erately slow down a little cach year? Does 
the above calculation apply to conditioned 
athletes or only to fledglings?—D. F 
Atlanta, Georgia. 

The general formula for roughly caleulat- 
ing the maximum taygel heart rate during 
exercise is not fixed. There is a range of 
between 65 and 85 percent; you might also 
take 70 percent of the difference between your 
age and 220. But fitness levels vary with 
age. You might consider using a more exact- 
ing measurement, named the Karvonen for- 
mula after the specialist who devised it. For 
this formula, take your vesting pulse rate 
(while still in bed), then subtract it from 220 
minus your age. Now multiply that number 
by .70 and add your resting heart rate again. 
It may sound odd, but it does indicate indi- 
vidual fitness levels more accurately than the 
first formula does. If you have any further 
questions on the subject, we suggest that you 
consult your doctor or a qualified fitness 
instructor. 


AAS one who used yohimbé bark exten- 
sively in the Sixties, I can attest to its gen- 
uine aphrodisiac ellects. Unfortunately, 
eight-hour erections don’t come cheap. 
Yohimbé also causes continuous and 
severe vomiting, headaches, heart ра1рйа- 
tions, unbearable anxiety and a fecling of 
impending death. Worst of all is the taste 
of the tea brewed from the bark. It is inde- 
scribably foul—so bad, in fact, that the 
thought alone can cause immediate sick- 
ness months later. The side effects begin 
about onc hour after ingestion—so you 
don’t have too much time to have fun! 
Finally, the hangover lasts one to three 
wecks. Don't recommend this substance to 
your readers—it’s not worth it—T. S., 
New York, New York. 
OK. 


F have discovered a way to increase the 
pleasure of sex for both the man and the 
woman. It involves a bit of discomfort for 
the man but makes a significant diflerence 
in his stamina and in the intensity of 
pleasure experienced by both partners. It 
may seem odd at first, but, speaking from 
experience, I know it works, My lover and 
I greatly enjoy sex, and we make love as 


often as we are able. After a marathon ses- 
sion one night, I became quite uncomfort- 
able. The constant friction of pubic hair 
against my penis had caused me to 
become very sore, and it made my lover 
sore, too. Checking myself closely, I real- 
ized that my pubic hair grew rather 
densely at the base of my penis and even 
grew all the way up the shaft. The next 
day, after my shower, I used my tweezers 
and began plucking out those hairs on the 
shaft, one by one. I must say that there is 
nothing erotic or pleasant about this; but 
when I was finished, there wasn’t a hair to 
be found on the shaft. I used a good lotion 
for a couple of days to soothe the soreness. 
The result is that the soft, smooth skin of 
my penis gives and receives much more 
stimulation inside my lover's vagina. It 
is an entirely new experience. She also 
enjoys fellatio even more, since she doesn't 
have to take any hair into her mouth. A 
bonus that most men don't think about is 
that it is possible to make a penis look bet- 
ter. Plucking the hair from the shaft and 
trimming the pubic area spruces things up 
a bit and actually makes the penis look 
larger. I just want to pass this information 
to others, as I think everyone should take 
some responsibility for satisfying his or 
her lover.— P. P., Dallas, Texas. 
Thanks for the tip. 


have been enjoying your magazine for 
almost 15 years, from the first issue 1 
found underneath my father’s side of the 
bed to the most recent fantastic issue. 
Because of this long-term relationship, 1 
look to you—rather, I implore you! 
your help. In the area of the country in 
which I live, there is an extreme shortage 
of sex boutiques. Because of this, my lover 
and 1 are interested in calling upon our 
most esteemed postal service for help. Our 
problem, however, is that we have no idea 
how to choose a reputable mail-order 
sexual-aid service. I hope this problem is 
not too trivial and that you will end our 
frustration by recommending to us a few 
of the more trustworthy and high-quality 
mail-order services —L. C., Knoxville, 
Tennessee. 

We suggest that you write to The Pleasure 
Chest at either or both of the following 
addresses: 20 West 20th Street, New York, 
New York 10011; or 3143 North Broadway, 
Chicago, Illinois 60657. You may also want 
lo contact Stamford Hygienic Corporation, 
P.O. Box 932, Stamford, Connecticut 
06904, to request a catalog. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, метео and sports cars todating 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages cach month. 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


Т... question for the month: 


How important is fashion when you 
are checking out a new guy? 


hs important for first impressions. It 
gives me information about his taste. I like 
it when a person takes pride in himself. I 
think a well-put-together look has to go 
with a sense of fun. I don't think dressing 
for others is the 
point. You have 
to see yourself 
in your clothes 
I always dress 
for my mood, 
and Pin very 
color oriented 
to my moods. If 
1 feel vibrant, 1 
wear red. If 1 
feel more г 
low, ГЇ put 
a flannel shirt, 
jeans and my favorite 


JANUARY 1986 


[шжан Reste o ambe res 
Both sneakers and nice shoes. Cowboy 
boots. Jeans. T-shirts. Casual stuff. Not 


Fashion tells 
me about how а 
man puts him- 
self together. 
It reflects his 
personality. It 
isn’t foolproof, 
though. Tve 
seen guys 
whose fashion 
sense I ap- 
proved of 
who turned out 
to be real jerks. Le 
without a T-shirt who has good arms and 
shoulders makes a statement to me, In 
fact, I like the whole 
ofa shirt, if he has strong arms and shoul- 
ders. 


[| 's not supposed to be important, but it 
І don't like people who look real 
trendy. The people I hang out with dress 
very strangely. They like to buy things 
from The Salvation Army and vintage- 
clothing stores and mix things. A guy who 
dresses that 

way, who's a | 

little bit differ- 
ent, who has an 
interesting face, 
is the kind Pm 
attracted to. 


Much more 
than if he’s 
wearing a T- 


shirt, a jacket, 
baggy раш», 
nice shoes— 
Miami Vice uni- 
form. Га rather he looked messy 
bizarre, as ifhe didn’t care what he looked 
like. As if he just threw the outfit together 
and wasn't too obsessed with it. 


0 


CHER BUTLER 
AUGUST 1985 


Ру portant. Not too formal, 
though. I like a guy who looks dean and 
well shaved and takes good care of his 
hair. I like to sce him in clothes that 
match, It really bugs me when I see a guy 
wearing a pink 
shirt with green 
pants. Gross! I 
love jeans and a 
T-shirt, But the 
truth 


guy, 
care what he's 
wearing. Im 


terested in his 
personality. If I 
see a gorgeous- 
locking guy in 
ragged clothes, it doesn't matter 
attracted to his looks, not his clothes. 
Fashion is important, but it’s not going to 
make or break the whole thing. 


Pm 


py ko gp „ә 


REBEKKA ARMSTRONG 
SEPTEMBER 1986 


Му important and not important. Let 
me explain. I like a guy who's got his 
Armani on. I like the pants. I like the 
shirts. | like nice cologne. Those guys 
drive me wild. 
On the other А 
hand, fashion 
isn’t important, | 
because ту 
favorite way to 
see a guy is in 
a faded pair 
of Levi’s—the 
straightleg ones, 
with no shirt 
and по shoes, 
With wet һай 
That is my ulti- 
mate fantasy look. I love it. It’s hot. Oh, 
yes, cologne at all times! Smelling good 
and kind of hanging out. That is the look 
for me! 


¡pul 


LYNNE AUSTIN 
JULY 1986 


| ШОУ ОООО es 
lot from his clothes: ifhe takes care of him- 
self. How he carries himself: Its a statc- 
ment of what kind of guy he is. I look for a 
business states 


well-dressed 


man would 
know what to 
wear in any sit- 
uation. Hed 
know what was 
required of 
him—even 
jeans and a Tos 
good-looking suit, foreign- or American- 
made, does it for me. 


ола. Edmondson) 


DONNA EDMONDSON 
NOVEMBER 1986 


Send your questions lo Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


Alive with pleasure! 


After all, 
ij smoking isn't a pleasure, 
why bother? ., 3 


W 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


PLAYBOY 


FORUM 


C O M M E N T A R Y 


hortly before the November 

elections, the President went on 

TV to announce a crusade 

against drugs. He told the 
nation that drug abuse cost society 60 
billion dollars a year—a figure that 
soon became engraved in stone. 

Hodding Carter ПІ, in a Washington 
‚Post viewpoint, commented on the 
exorbitant “social cost" numbers: 

“There is a weird lack of proportion- 
ality in all u 
They say that smoking 
costs might have been 
as high as 95 billion 
dollars last year. The 
societal cost of alcohol 
was put at 116 billion 
dollars in 1983. And in 
the same year, an 
updated study claims, 
drugs cost society some 
60 billion dollars. These estimates 
include such things as lost or reduced 
productivity, hospital or medical treat- 
ment and criminal-justice costs." 

1 was puzzled by onc thing. The 
social-cost estimates seem to presume 
that a chemically pure clite exists; that 
is, that people who don't drink or 
smoke or do drugs do not incur а social 

that the pure in bodily fluids never 
get sick or commit crimes or miss work. 

I called Henrick Harwood, the econ- 
omist who had come up with the 
60-billion-dollar drugs figure and the 
116-billion-dollar alcohol-abuse figure, 
at the Research Triangle Institute in 
North Carolina. I asked him the aver- 
age cost of staying healthy 

“In 1983," he said, “health-treat- 
ment utilization cost 350 billion dol- 
lars. That's approximately $1500 per 
person, though not everyone gets sick 
every year. People use a great deal of 
health care. Everyone has some.” 

Does drug use increase health costs? 

“Notas much as alcohol or tobacco. 
With alcohol, there are 25,000 to 
30,000 deaths each year from cirrhosis 
of the liver alone. With smoking, there 
is treatment for various cancers. There 
are по! аз many related costs for drugs. 
Instead, we identify costs for rehabili- 
tation, detox, methadone maintenance, 
emergency-room visits.” 

I asked Harwood about produc 

у. “Impaired or lost productivity,” he 
said, “accounted for 55 percent of the 
total cost of drug abuse. That's about 
33.3 billi 

What, exactly, was he measuring? 
Was Harwood talking about Ford 


tos that burn up or McD.L.T.s that 
arrive missing the L or the T? Reagan 
was pursuing a drug-free workplace as 
if it were the Holy Grail. He worried 
about the safety of the innocent. Did he 
think a drug-crazed co-worker would 
rivet someone’s hand to the grille of a 
Buick or a deadhead air-traffic control- 
ler send passengers to a fiery death in 
Des Moines? Are drug abusers a threat 
to people’s lives as well as to the life- 


THE SOCIAL COST 


blood of the country? Apparently not. 
“In economics, productivity is related 
to salary," Harwood said. “We looked 
for differences in salary between drug 
users and nonusers. After taking into 
account age, race, sex, education and oc- 
cupation, we found that intensive drug 
users made 28 percent less than others. 

I wondered why I had never seen 
that figure. If the President wanted to 
scare the bejesus out of a nation of 
Yuppics, all he had to do was say drugs 
and life on the fast track don't mix 

What drug or drugs were responsible 
for such a decrease in salary? “The 
only drug where we found a significant 
difference was marijuana. If a person 
said that he had smoked marijuana for 
30 days in a row at any point in his life, 
he was labeled a drug user. There are 
7,000,000 households where that has 
happened. And those households show 
lower total incomes, whether or not the 
person is still smoking dope. Ifa white 
male was supposed to make $21,000 in 
1980 and he had smoked dope for a 
month, we would figure that he made 
28 percent less, or about $6000 less. 
The average productivity reduction for 
all age and sex groups was $4800. You 
multiply that missing $4800 by the num- 
ber of houscholds where drugs are used 
and you get about 33 billion dollars." 

I asked if the figure reflected drug 
users’ on-the-job impairment. “Мо. 
There are no studies on that.” 

So we were looking at people who 
make 72 cents on the dollar, who don't 
get raises, who aren't on the fast track of 
corporate life. As a social cost, it seems 
rather harmless. The words counter- 


culture and mellow come to mind. 

Is there a cause-and-effect relation- 
ship? “These figures do not establish 
causality. We can't tell which came 
first—the lack of ambition and motiva- 
tion or drug use. They are just a useful 
tool for comparison with other 
figure 

And what about the diflerentwayssuch 
figures are used? Feminists found, after 

г analysis, that they were mak- 
ing only 62 cents on the 
dollar. We did not 
speak of that difference 
as impaired productiv- 
ity. We called it sexism. 
When blacks found 
they were making less 
than whites, it was 
called racism and we 
developed affirmative 
action. Against drug- 
gies, who are reluctant to organize on 
their own behalf, we have a war fueled 
by the mistaken belief that their drug 
use is costing Joe Citizen 60 billion dol- 
lars. Cost analysis is a political tool - 
with about as much discretion as a 
ncutron bomb. 

What would happen if America 
cleaned up its drug problem? It is 
hardly likely that corporate America 
would come up with a 33,3-billion- 
dollar raise. 

Would the criminal costs of drug 
abuse disappear with decriminaliza- 
tion? “The criminal-justice costs of 
drug abuse are put at 11 billion dol- 
lars. If you decriminalized drugs, some 
of that would disappear. But there is 
also the cost of the underground econ- 
omy. People who drop out of leg 
mate, productive jobs and deal drugs 
or engage in parasitic roles [robbery, 
mugging] pull money from the le 
mate, productive economy.” 

My conversation with Harwood was 
fascinating. Why hadn’t all of his 
findings made the news? “You can’t get 
subtlety into the lead paragraph of a 
newspaper story. The only figure any- 
‘one sees is the 60 billion.” 

As the man who had established the 
social cost of drugs, does Harwood 
agree with mandatory drug testing? 

“It comes down to the rights in the 
Constitution. When there is reason to 
suspect someone, when there is some- 
thing called probable cause, you have 
justification to ask for a drug test. I 
would no sooner see mandatory drug 
testing than I would a camera in every 
bedroom.” — JAMES R. PETERSEN 


41 


FOR THE RECORD 


PREVENTIVE PIGKETING = 


In a debate with Barry Lynn, legislative counsel 
for the American Civil Liberties Union, Donald 
Wildmon, director of the National Federation for 
Decency, complained that the members of the 
A.C.L.U. “were great defenders when blacks were 
picketing white-owned businesses that would not 
sell to blacks,” and said, “I’m appalled that the 
A.C.L.U. would eri 7? for picketing video 
stores. 

Lynn responded, “I think it’s disingenuous to 
compare picketing video stores with the civil rights 
protests of the Sixties. In the Sixties, blacks were 
protesting to achieve constitutional rights that had 
been denied. them. The people picketing video 
stores are attempting to prevent others from exercis- 
ing their constitutional rights. There’s a fundamen- 
tal difference.” 


B 


instance, seven thera- 
pists and two case- 
workers are responsi- 
ble for treating 1300 
sex oflenders incarcer- 
ated in four prisons. In 
Kansas, six psycholo- 
gists handle the 
mental-health prob- 
lems and treatment of 
more than 2445 
inmates at the state 
penitentiary, about 16 
percent of whom are 
sex offenders. These 
meager resources could 
have received a wel- 
come shot of publicity 
from the Meese com- 

; instead, it 
failed to even acknowl- 
edge that sex-offender 
treatment and rehabili- 
tation are the only 
approaches that have 
been found effective. 

S. Smith 

Chicago, Illinois 


KEYSTONE COMEDY 
Congratulations for 
taking a public stand 
against drug testing. 
By and large, the 
American media have 
played follow-the- 
leader, taking their cue 
from Ronald Reagan 
and endorsing his 
repressive policies 
thout question. The 
TV media were the 
most obvious rumor- 
mongers, cashing in on 
the drug crisis with 
specials such as 48 
Hours on Crack Street 
and American Vice. It 
seemed as if every 


MEESE MISSES 

Prevention of sex crimes was the sup- 
posed objective of the Mecse commis- 
sion. And the commissioners did come 
up with 92 recommendations, some of 
which were so wacky that they must 
have embarrassed those few who knew 
anything about the subject. The one pre- 
ventive measure not recommended, or 
even considered, was the treatment of sex 
offenders. Some states do mandate treat- 
ment; but as a practical matter, it is not 
widely available. In Missouri, for 


newscaster wanted to be Don Johnson. 
However, if you looked closely, you 
could find a few voices of dissent in the 
daily newspapers. The Chicago Tribune 
reported that a poppy-seed bagel could 
show up as an opiate in a urine test. One 
writer suggested that drug testing might 
not be the high-tech wonder the Admin- 
istration depicted. What if Mr. Wizard's 
chemistry set is rigged? One article 
described the Keystone comedy of the 
White House staff voluntarily sing 
into jars: “The President's urinalysis 


A С K 


sample was taken two days early, 
because he was to have a urological 
examination Saturday, and it was feared 
that an antibiotic might make his urine 
positive. . . . There is also a chance that 
the Vice-President could test positive for 
barbiturates, because Bush just returned 
from a trip to the Middle East. On a pre- 
vious journey, Mrs. Bush said the couple 
usually takes sleeping pills to avoid jet 
Чар. [A spokesman] said First Lady 
Nancy Reagan, who also agreed to vol- 
untary testing, has been taking an anti- 
arthritic drug that may show up as 
marijuana on the test.” If mistakes can 
happen at that level, imagine what 
might happen to us normal guys. 
Nathaniel Bynner 
Evanston, Illinois 
So Bush slept through the [тап arms 
deal, right? The A.C.L.U. reports that 
urine tests are unreliable—i.e., produce 
false positives between ten and 30 percent 
of the time. If administered to the American. 
work force of 100,000,000-plus, manda- 
tory drug tests could falsely label between 
10,000,000 and 30,000,000 workers as 
drug users. If they were retested, the failure 
rate would still indict between 1,000,000 
and 3,000,000 innocent bystanders. So 
far, Reagan is proceeding with his plan 
despite court rulings against drug tests in 
13 out of 17 cases. Maybe you should just 


send your sample to him. 


PEPPER PEPPERED 

In the January “Forum,” we published 
“The Anatomy of a Whispering Cam- 
paign.” Dr Pepper had used Dr. Ruth 
Westheimer in its ads for Diet Dr Pepper 
but abruptly canceled her appearances 
when it received 2000 letters from renders 
of Donald E. Wildmon's National Federa- 
tion of Decency Journal Wildmon 
objected to Dr. Ruth, a “sexologist,” as a 
spokesperson for the company. We asked our 
readers to write to W. W. Clements, chair- 
man emeritus of Dr Pepper, P.O. Box 
225086, Dallas, Texas, and protest his 
decision to roll over. Following is a sam- 
pling of your comments to Clements. 


You're living proof that ‘Texas raises 
steers, not bulls. What you did with Dr. 
Ruth was spineless. 

H. G. Ainsleigh 
Colfax, California 


1 have tasted my last Dr Pepper! 1 will 
no longer buy your soft drink and will 
discourage my friends, family and clients 
from buying it. A company that knuckles 


under to a tiny number of crackpot 
fanatics who are terrified at the notion 
that sex exists only encourages them in 
their quest to ban everything. 

Antonio Guerra 
New York, New York 


You have chosen to allow the Rever- 
end Mr. Wildmon's righteous flock of 
Bible-beating Constitution stompers to 
influence your choice of Dr. Ruth as a 
paid spokesperson for your soft drink. To 
bow to such obvious attempts at censor- 
ship only reassures the purveyors of 
rigidity that they are in the right, so to 
speak. In my household, Dr Pepper was 
the drink of choice. This is no longer true. 

J. Barrett Wolf 
Freeport, New York 


Your summary dropping of Dr. Ruth 
following complaints from Donald 
Wildmon’s National Federation of De- 
cency Journal is offensive 

І have been in private practice as a 
psychotherapist. for 37 years. I sec 
between 55 and 65 clients a week. 1 
encounter about 150 new people a year. 
Each client positively influences between 
three and seven others. Therefore, I have 
an impact on some 500 people each year. 
1 have begun an intensive “Boycott Dr 
Pepper” campaign. Who knows, it may 
catch on. 


N. D. Mallary, Jr. 
Atlanta, Georgia 


TEXTBOOK TRIALS 

An interesting side light to the text- 
book case in Tennessee in which parents 
won a court battle to allow their children 
to opt out of classes that use textbooks 
that violate their religious beliefs (The 
Playboy Forum, February) is a study con- 
ducted by six historians and educators. 
This panel reviewed 31 U.S.-history 
texts used across the nation in junior 
high and high schools. According to the 
Chicago Tribune, the “report praised the 
books for portraying our nation in a pos- 
itive light without glossing over contro- 
versial topics, such as the Vietnam war: 
presenting many points of view; encour- 
aging critical, creative thinking; and dis- 
cussing the roles of women and blacks in 
shaping American history.” It was clear 
from reports of the Tennessee case that 
these fundamentalist parents are against 
the presentation of many points of view 
and against critical thinking. The par- 
ents may have won the court battle, but 

their children are the losers. 

Т. Simmons 

Arlington Heights, Illinois 


I've been following the textbook case 
in Mobile, Alabama, in which the par- 
ents of schoolchildren are claiming that 
their children’s textbooks violate their 
religious beliefs by "promoting" a reli- 


gion called secular humanism. 1 have yet 
to read anywhere exactly what secular 
humanism is! 
H. Levin 
Miami, Florida 
Secular humanism has been called every- 
thing from “the most dangerous religion in 
the world” to a “nonreligious philosophy.” 
Here are the facts. Western humanism has 
ils roots in ancient Greece. It began as an 
antiviolence movement whose primary 
belief was that man was worthy of respect 
and that his life could and should be 
improved. Possibly because life was so bleak 
in those days and a belief in God did not 
seem lo improve man’s lot, the humanists 
turned from spiritualism to logic to resolve 
their questions about life and death; they 


In 1973, the United States Supreme 
Court adopted the test for obscenity set 
forth in Miller vs. California. The 
Miller test was thought to be a major 
step forward, for it acknowledged that 
local rather than national standards 
should be applied in banning ‘obscene 
material. The Court, however, pro- 
vided little guidance as to how those 
standards should be determined. 

Does the current method, trial by 
jury, work? Does the community really 
decide what is obscene? In most 
obscenity trials, six to 12 jurors deter- 
mine the local community standard— 
and seldom, if ever, is a jury truly rep- 
resentative of a community. As you 
know, jurors are selected at random not 
from the total population but from a 
pool of registered voters. This pool is 
made even more unrepresentative by 
the exclusion of those with work or per- 
sonal or legal conflicts. 

In the past two years, I have been a 
consultant in more than 30 obscenity 
cases around the country. I have pro- 
vided evidence for the defendants (usu- 
ally employees of adult-book stores or 
video stores) on what the real commu- 
nity standard is. This evidence con- 
sisted of the results of two community 
surveys: a local public-opinion survey 
and a local market survey. 

The communities I have surveyed 
range from predominantly lower- 
income blue-collar families to predomi- 
nantly upper-income professionals. I 
have found that opinions about 
restricting sexually explicit material 
are remarkably consistent across the 
country. 

One of the questions in the public- 
opinion survey is “Do you believe you 
should or should not be able to see any 


STANDARDS 


realized that they had to solve thetr own 
problems. 

Modern-day humanists do not necessar- 
ily believe in God—though some do—but 
they do feel that if you believe in God, that's 
fine (unlike the plaintiff in the Alabama 
case, who think that you not only must 
believe in God but also must believe in their. 
God). 

Humanists emphasize Китап values and 
human dignity. They believe that people are 
capable of looking at issues critically and 
drawing their own conclusions. They 
encourage people to think for themselves 
and to make inguiries into philosophy and 
religion. In fact, this desire for free inquiry 
is the center of the humanist philosophy. 

Now, one would think that such a desire 


showing of actual sex acts in adult 
movies, video cassettes or magazines if 
you should want to?” An average of 71 
percent of the adult respondents 
endorsed the right to see such material. 
(This is consistent with a 1986 national 
survey of 1002 adult Americans con- 
ducted by Americans for Constitu- 
tional Freedom in which 74 percent of 
those who identified themselves as 
born-again Christians strongly 
endorsed their right to purchase such 
material.) 

The market survey determines how 
much sexually oriented material is sold 
ity. We found that the 
market-survey results were consistent 
with the public-opinion-survey results 
and that sexually explicit magazines 
outsold Time and Newsweek in most of 
the communities we researched. Fur- 
thermore, 90 percent of neighborhood 
vidco outlets rent X-rated videos. Such 
material constitutes 15 to 40 percent of 
thcir total rentals. Communities not 
only tolerate these businesses but Sup- 
port them. 

We believe that community stand- 
ards shouid be determined by public- 
opinion and market surveys. An 
independent measure ol attitudes and 
behavior is an accurate barometer of 
community feeling. 

What we hear is clear. Americans 
pride themselves on freedom of choice, 
and that is the one right they are most 
reluctant to surrender. So why are we 
allowing a handful of people to deter- 
mine our local community standards 
when accurate testing tools are avail- 
able to produce reliable results? 

Dennis Benson, Ph.D 
Columbus, Ohio 


would be appreciated by parents; it would 
seem the type of education that they should 
want for their children. But no, Fundamen- 
dalist Christians are not interested in 
fostering a right to question their belief in 
creationism, and their strict interpretation of 
the Bible cannot stand up to hard scrutiny. 
The new intolerance is not so new—il's the 
same intolerance that led the founding 
fathers to leave the old country. And it is ах 
ugly now as it was then. Secular humanism, 
with a stance of reasoned neutrality toward 
religion, was the concept that allowed plural- 
ism and tolerance to flourish in this country. 
Secular humanism is nota religion; it isa 
philosophy that allows people to choose to 
practice a religion. Without it, the funda- 
mentalist Christians would be nowhere. 


“COMMENTARY” HIT HOME 
You quote Bill Carter, from the FBI's 
public-information ollice, in your Novem- 


ber "Commentary" about alarming statis- 
tics. He asks, “Do you know a child who 
has been abducted? That should tell you 
something." Ido knowa child who has been 
the victim of abduction by a stranger. My 
then two-year-old daughter disappeared 
from a back yard in Montana in 1980. 
Your "Commentary" was corr: The 
numbers that people such as the Reverend 
Wildmon throw around do trivialize the 
problem of child sexual abuse, and I can 
tell you that the artificially inflated num- 
bers of abductions did nothing to help my 
situation. When will they learn that pco- 
ple who abduct children arc sick? People 
who celebrate their sexuality are healthy. 
William J. Ginevicz 

Longmont, Golorado 


DOUBLESPEAK 
The White House condemns Poland's 

censorship of foreign news while it confi 
cates Cuban period- 


COMMITMENT, HERS; 


COMMITMENT, YOURS 


One of the sexual conflicts that may never be 
resolved is her idea of commitment versus your ideo sec 
of commitment. Although there may be no resolu- 
tion to this clash of viewpoints, we can at least try to 
explain it. Warren Farrell, author of the book Why 
Men Are the Way They Are, observes: 


Better Homes and Gardens is still the best- 
selling women's magazine—with Family Circle 
number two. These still represent women's 
Primary fantasy—better homes ond o family 
circle. Conversely, the best-selling men's moga- 
zine is still pLareoY. These represent the male 
primary fontasy—access to beautiful women 


without fear of rejection. 


How does this relate to why men ore afraid 
of commitment? For a man, 
means forfeiting his primary fantasy. For o 
woman, commitment means fulfilling her pri- 


mary fantasy. 


That's one man's view. If you have a better one, 
we'd like to read it. Write 


commitment Eva 


icals mailed to the 
U.S. It condemns 
abortion as cruel 
while it cuts back 
on welfare. It blasts 
terrorism while it 
ships arms tn Iran. 
Does anyone else 
something 
wrong here? 

Andre Bacard 

San Rafacl, 

California 


Im serving a 
ar sentence 


and 
Now 1 learn 


опе 


shotgun 


that 
the Reagan Admi 
istr: purcha 
millions of dollars’ 
worth 
send to Iran. Great. 
W. Cole 

Smyrna, Delaware 


of arms to 


AIDS TESTING 
My — company 
ssued a directive 


that all its employ- 
ces have to be tested 
for AIDS. 1 gather 

it is worried 
incurring, 
high medical-insur- 
ance costs and fears 
that having an em- 
ployee 


siness. I'm not in 
a high-risk group 
for AIDS. Do I have 
to submit to such а 
test? 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Your 
best bet is to call the local Human Rights 
Commission, or ds equivalent, in your area. 
If it cannot help, call a civil rights attorney 
or the A.C.L.U. chapter affiliate. It will 
know the local law. Involuntary AIDS test- 
img falls under human-rights and state 
handicapped-discrimination laws, and these 
can vary tremendously from place to place. 


FRAUDULENT THINKING 
Southland Corporation, owner of the 
7-Eleven stores, risked losing its liquor 
license in Florida when it was conyicted of 
tax fraud in New York. Southland had 
tried to claim $96,000 as a t i 
Federal prosecutors proved 


that 
money was really intended as a bribe for a 


New York City councilman. That makes 
Southland а felon, and felons are not 
allowed to hold liquor licenses in Florida. 
Southland appealed for special clemency, 
and Florida's Parole and Probation Com- 
mission recommended to the governor 
that the company be allowed to continue 
selling beer. Its report hailed Southland's 
decision to stop selling тїлувох and Pent- 
house as proof that it is a good corporate 
citizen. Odd, t oin that deny 
someone's right to read should be consid- 
cred a sign of a good citizen? 

J. S. Beeson 

Panama City, Florida 


TELL A JOKE, GO TO JAIL 
During а lull in a high-security WI 
House meeting last summer, 
cuss ways to further destabi а 
crackbrained Ісадег, Ronald Кеа 
quipped, “Why not invite Qaddafi to 
Francisco, he likes to dress up so much." 
Chimed in the normally stolid George 
Shultz, “Why don't we give him AIDS?” 
‘Those around the table laughed- But 
when the comments were leaked in The 
Washington Post some time later, the 
laughter stopped. A number of San Fran- 
cisco civic leaders demanded that Reagan 
apologize for the dress-up line. Others 
around the nation were outraged, not 
because Shultz had suggested terminating 
the Moslem Moc Howard (a squadron of 
F-Ills had previously signaled that intent) 
but because his remark was ensitiv 
to AIDS victims. In fact, in the wake of 
the brouhaha, a Southern California lcgi: 
lator floated the notion that AIDS jokes 
violate the civil rights of the disc; 
tims and that anybody who tells one 

should be hit with a fine or a jail term. 
Last year marked a curious offensive 
thrust in a growing war against offensive 
humor. Oddly enough, much of the intol- 
erance is coming from the liberal end of 
the political and social spectrum and from 
the universities—which used to be liber 
Consider the case of Wayne Dick, a Yale 
sophomore who last spring put up posters. 
satirizing the university's Gay/Lesbian 
(concluded on page 48) 


IN SE We 3S: IE RO). М .L 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


DRUG-FREE COSTS PLENTY 


The present vogue of on-the-job uri- 
nalysis has generated a nationwide cot- 
tage industry that, for a price, supplies 
urine that is free of drugs, alcohol or any 
other troublemaking substances. Given 
the cost—$25 to $50 a bollle—drug-free 
urine must be hard to find. Testing experts 
say that the only way to get cround urine 


substitution is to post a trusted employee to 
watch the urination take place, but even 
here, they report interesting countermeas- 
ures. In some cases, employees have kept a 
container of the pure urine taped to the 
underside of the penis, ready at all limes. 
In others, employees reportedly have filled 
their oum bladders—by means of а 
catheter—with store-bought urine. 


STAMP OUT SEN ED 


WASHINGTON. D.C. — Secretary of Educa- 
tion William Bennett has denounced pro- 
besals im a report by the National 
Research. Council of the National Acad- 
emy of Sciences that concludes that the 
most effective way to reduce unwanted 
teenage pregnancies is to encourage dili- 
gent contraceptive use among sexually 
active young people. Bennett condemned 
the suggestion that sex counseling be 
available through school clinics. He 
called the recommendations of the panel, 
composed of physicians, social scientists 
and public-health experts, “dumb policy” 
and said that “school-based birth-control 
clinics will damage our schools and our 
children.” The report notes that U.S. girls 


under 15 are al least five times as likely to 
give birth as their counterparts in. other 
developed countries for which data are 
available and that the total welfare costs 
altributed to teenage childbearing were 
16.65 billion dollars in 1985. 


~—LOVEAND MONEY 


In Money magazines annual poll 
“Americans and Their Money,” 33 per- 
cent of the 2555 respondents said they 
thought having more money would im- 
prove their sex life. “Making money is as- 
sociated with being successful, altractive,” 
said Dr. Seymour Lieberman, who specu- 
lated that those who thought they would 
gel more love for their money felt that a 
higher income would reduce tension and 
fatigue. Who says you can't buy love? 


There is increasing medical evidence 
that cocaine in small doses can be deadly 
even for healthy people. Surgical patholo- 
gists at Stanford University of Medicine 
in California have found a consistent 
form of heart-muscle damage in 28 of 30 
people, aged 25 to 74, who died after 
using coke. “Evidence is mounting that 
cocaine is not the benign drug it was once 
thought to be,” said Dr. Henry Tazelaar, 
who coordinated the study. Ever since the 
cocaine-related death last June of basket- 
ball player Len Bias, doctors have been 
taking a closer look at the effects of the 
drug. Only recently have they become 
aware that it can destroy human heart tis- 
sue. Cocaine causes the heart-muscle cells 
to enler a permanent state of contraction 
that makes them immobile. With the nor- 
mal pathways blocked, the heart may beat 
irregularly, which can cause sudden 
death. Although there is not yet solid 
proof, researchers suspect that cocaine 
users, even if initially free from heart dis- 
ease, may be causing permanent damage 
to their hearts. 


- BOOTE BLOCKER 


WASHINGTON, DC—A drug that blocks 
the intoxicating effects of alcohol and 
Sobers up drunks is causing a dilemma for 
scientists who are now testing it on pri- 
mates. Called Ro 15-4513, the drug 
holds promise for the treatment of chronic 
alcoholics and for research into the factors 
that contribute to alcoholism. It also has 


tremendous commercial potential, the 
researchers say, if markeled as an instant- 
sobriety drug. The danger they see is that 
it may encourage people to drink too 
much, leaving them vulnerable to all the 
other effects of alcohol that are not blocked 
by the drug. For this reason, it is expected 
that the Food and Drug Administration 
will certify the drug, if it proves safe, only 
for treatment of alcoholism. 


FLYING HIGH? 


WASHINGTON, DE —In a report on avia- 
tion safety, the Department of Transpor- 
tation has calculated that some 16,000 
currently licensed pilots have been con- 
victed of drunken driving and that as 
many as 2000 of them fly commercial air- 
liners. The figures were reached by com- 
paring a list of active pilots with the 
National Drivers’ Registry list of motor- 
ists whose licenses have been suspended or 
revoked for driving while intoxicated. Of 


the 16,000, an estimated 7000 did not 
admit their convictions on medical 
reviews that are required periodically 
under Federal law, officials said. The 
report recommends that the Government 
keep track of pilots driving records and 
possibly ground those who are convicted 
of D.W.1. 

Meanwhile, The Pittsburgh Press 
says that a survey of 17 drug-treatment 
centers around the country found that 
more than 69 airline pilots have been 
treated for unreported cocaine addiction 
during the past two years. Doctors fear 
thal many more pilots with drug problems 
have not sought help for fear of losing 
their jobs. 


RE: Cp Oy FRIST “MENOR 


For most adverüsing-agency execu- 
tives, the prospect of meeting with a new 
client can be exhilarating. And no more 
зо than when the project offers a unique 
challenge! 

How can we change the fact that 
there are 1,000,000 teenage pregnancies 
nationwide? 

Cynics may scoff'at the idea of Madi- 
son Avenue’s selling sex education on 
the street; but while they’re scoffing, 
conscientious organizations are busy try- 
ing to change things. They've wiscd up 
to the fact that young people make up a 
pliable group that, when approached the 
right way and in the right tone, is going 


to listen to them. 

Take Planned Parent- 
hood of Maryland, for 
instance. With an objec- 
tive of nothing more 
than “getting parents 
and kids talking to one 
another,” it spearheaded 
a campaign that resulted 
in the creation of hard- 
hitting billboards and 
posters with the question 
WHAT'S AN ORGY? IF YOUR 
KIDS AREN'T ASKING YOU, 
THEY MAY ВЕ ASKING FOR 
TROUBLE When the post- 
er hit the street (and 
schools and newspapers 
and buses), it also hit 
home. Before long, 150 


parents had registered 
for workshops on how best to discuss sex 
with their children. On Madison Avc- 
nue, that’s the payoff. 
“But the media part is only the tip of 
the iceberg,” says Maggie Williams, sen- 
ior media specialist at the Children's 
Defense Fund in Washington, D.C., a 
group that also employs intelligent and 
provocative ad campaigns. “If the post- 
ers stop people and get their 
attention—and they do—then 
maybe those same people will 
get to know the 60-some other 
sex-education and tcen-preg- 
nancy-prevention projects we now 
collaborate on in 30 states. It took a 
while before people actually started lis- 
tening to “Don't smoke’ and ‘Don't drive 
drunk’ campaigns. We're in this for the 
long haul.” 
Ketchum Advertising in New York is 


the agency responsible for the city’s 
newest and, perhaps, most courageous 
teen-pregnancy-prevention campaign— 
one designed especially for the mayor's 
office. Using attractive teen models and 
often-jarring captions ("Trust me. I 
won't get you pregnant”; “If you don't 
do it, ГЇЇ leave you”; “You don't want to 
do it? What’s your problem?"), the cam- 
paign refrains from the usual preachy 
tone associated with sex education, opt- 
ing instead to speak in a more casual 
voice. Kevin Allen, account supervisor 
of the campaign, says that this is the 
project’s most crucial clement. “In the 
past, we would wag a finger at the kids 
and say, “Don't, don’t, don't" and it just 
didn’t work. So now what we're trying to 
do is illustrate in the posters the kind of 
pressure that actually goes on within the 
adolescent group. Peer pressure. And so 


Created By Joe 


Coccaro, Jim 
Colasurdo and 
Kevin Allen of 
Ketchum Advertis- 
ing for the Mayor's 
Office of Adoles- 
cent Pregnancy 
and Parenting 
Services 


ШЕШ пе: Тумо 
SENOL рге ттд 


far, it’s been a success. The kids are even 
taking the posters out of the subway and 
hanging them in their rooms.” 

Despite their popularity, sex-edu- 
cation ad campaigns still face a few 
problems; most notably, the fact that 
they cannot advertise on television. The 
networks havea policy —which they don't 


seem likely to change soon—against 


advertising contraceptives on ТУ. 

Another problem is one of dollars and 
cents: Teenagers often don't have the 
money to be smart about sex, which is 
probably why the National Academy of 
Sciences has recently recommended 
widespread availability of free contra- 
ceptives to tecns. "And if teenagers do 


have some sort of disposable income," 


says Jeffrey Greif, media 
supervisor at Saatchi & 
Saatchi Compton advertising in New 
York, “it's going to go other places. A kid 
who's saving up $200 for a new bicycle 
certainly isn't going to plunk down five 
bucks for a box of rubbers.” 

Let's hope advertising will change 


that. ——BRUCE KLUGER 


Ario 
sound x Svea 


wha at WE 


Са 


PD 


Created by Jeff. 
McElhaney, David 
Foote and Allan 
Sprecher for Health 
Education 
Resource Organi- 
zation (HERO) 


47 


Awareness Days (GLAD). His fliers for 
Bestiality Awareness Days (BAD) tossed 
thinly veiled barbs at several prominent 
and vocal gay activists. He was accused of 
harassing and intimidating members of 
the gay community and was initially hit 
with a two-year university probation 
(which was later overturned). 

Is a pointed joke an unconcealed 
weapon? Can offensiveness be punished? 
Do minority groups deserve special civil 
rights protection against jokes made at 
their expense? How could such laws cover 
gays and AIDS patients and not employ- 
ees of NASA, Poles or the Chicago Cubs? 


Legislative fiat can't change basic 
human nature. The right to free speech 
must include the right to offend, mainly 
because there is a substantial portion of 
the population that is easily offended. 

Lampoons of gay behavior and jokes 
about AIDS are admittedly offensive 
to many. But as Margaret Anne Gallagher 
suggested in the National Review, an 
immunity from being satirized teaches 
minorities “that equality depends on the 
suppression of liberty.” This immunity, 
she added, would breed “а culture of sis- 
sies, easily hurt, always begging for spe- 
cial protection.” Sticks and stones aren’t 


Sone D 


It's cases like Ted Bundy's that make 
people crazy. This nice-looking, smooth- 
talking son of a bitch may have mur- 
dered upwards of 35 people—killed 
many of them horribly, causing them 
and their families more pain and suffer- 
ing than anyone should encounter in a 
hundred lifetimes— yet the state of Flor- 
ida can’t keep him strapped in its elec- 
tric chair long enough to throw the 
switch. Before and after each stay of exe- 
cution, he brags that they'll never do 
him And he could be right. Only six 
hours away from his latest appointment, 
he was spared again—this time with an 
indefinite stay so the court can hear an 
insanity defense. 

But it’s also cases like Bundy’s that 
invite a serious rethinking of the death 
penalty. God knows it would feel good to 
see this creep put to death, and it would 
climinate the possibility of escape or 
paroles. As matters stand now, he and 
his principled lawyers are costing the 
state cnough money to put a hundred 
kids through college. 

Unfortunately, not to afford Bundy his 
every nitpicking chance to beat the sys- 
tem would consign to death the people 
who every year are wrongly convicted of 
murder— which happens to be one of the 
easiest convictions to get on faulty wit- 
ness testimony. 

A study released two years ago by 
Hugo Adam Bedau and Michael L. 
Radelet found 343 cases of wrongful 
convictions in capital cases since 
1900—including 25 executions. Even if 
the study erred in the bleeding-heart 
direction, that’s still a pretty sorry 
record. There is now good reason to 
believe ıhat the infamous Bruno Richard 
Hauptmann, executed for the kidnap/ 
murder of the Charles Lindbergh baby, 
didn't do it. There is also some reason to 
believe ıhat Sacco and Vanzetti were 
innocent. Even proponents of the death 


Joke will admit that fancy ae 
can make the difference between convic- 
tion and acquittal and virtually always 
spares the guilty rich from receiving the 
death penalty. 

What few people understand is that 
the maddeningly long and costly appeals 
process, which death-penalty propo- 
nents cite as guaranteeing justice, does 
not even look at guilt or innocence. Gen- 
erally, the appellate process rules only 
on questions of law and procedure. A 
legal blunder or oversight may reverse a 
conviction, but obtaining a retrial is 
rare. 

Courts and the appellate process cor- 
rect injustice only part of the time. The 
Bedau-Radelet study found that more 
than one third of the 343 wrongful con- 
victions leading to the death penalty 
were overturned by other means: con- 
fession of the real culprit (39 cases), 
newspaper investigation (23), employer 
persistence or community outrage (18), 
new witness testimony (11), “sheer 
luck” (ten), prosecution persistence 
(seven), supposed victim turned up alive 
(six), police persistence (four), family 
agitation (four) and admission of perjury 
or mistaken identification (four). 

The outraged citizen who reads that 
the run-of-the-mill murderer serves only 
seven years tends to blame that fact on 
the absence of the death penalty, sure 
enough a long-term conviction. It's not 
understood that the death penalty 
applies in relatively few murder cases, 
that a person has to do something a little 
special to earn it—such as kill a cop. Or 
really butcher somebody, or a bunch of 
people. Or commit a series of atrocities 
that common sense tells us is the work of 
a madman, a category that includes 
smart psychopaths such as Bundy. But 
the appalling fact is that the death penal- 
ty seems to invite (he acts it is supposed 
to punish. Bundy moved to Florida, 


breaking bones, but words are, indeed, 
making people cry. 

Adolf Hitler established special courts 
to punish people who named their рез 
and barnyard animals Adolf. Hermann 
Goering told the Academy of German Law 
that jokes could be interpreted as acts 
against the entire Reich. This is clearly 
taking humorlessness too far. 

And 1 would have told Adolf and 
Hermann the same thing I tell people 
offended by other people's humor—just 
don't laugh. 

Jay Stuller 
San Francisco, California 


a premier execution state, to continue his 
killing. What does that say? 

What it says to criminologists and 
psychologists is that many of the crimi- 
nals we call psychos actually court the 
death penalty and will kill to qualify for 
it. Being locked away and forgotten 
doesn’t do much for them, but being the 
central figure in the legalistic pageant 
that leads to ceremonial execution by the 
state—now, that's something. 

Students of the subject find that some 
murderers, often the worst ones, submit 
with relief to their fate once they're 
apprehended. A problem faced by the 
attorneys representing death-row in- 
mates is the fact that many of their cli- 
ents object to being defended. Their 
crimes may be less acts of rational hostil- 
ity than ones of self-destruction. Further- 
more, murder rates have been shown 10 
go up around the time of a much- 
publicized execution. 

Reformers like to ask, “Why do we kill 
people in order to show that killing peo- 
ple is wrong?” That's a typically liberal 
sentiment, but it makes sense. [f the con- 
sensus is that killing is a bad thing, the 
state is setting the worst example for that 
poorly socialized class of people who are 
the chief practitioners of murder—those 
who kill in the heat of anger. The state 
may kill deliberately and in cold blood 
after prolonged consideration, but the 
message it's sending out is still a simple 
one: Some people have it coming. That 
sentiment may be shared by the insulted 
drunk, the cuckolded husband, even the 
man who catches some jerk stealing his 
television set. Unless he’s been condi- 
tioned to consider killing morally wrong, 
forbidden under any circumstances, he’s 
not really committing murder but only 
executing somebody who has really 
asked for it—to his eternal regret once 
the state's own justice system takes over. 

— WILLIAM J. HELMER 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 


Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. І сповованто 
12 то. "tar", 10 mg. nic 


un e KO z 
15 PASA 


‘When ordering vodka, call for ће best—smirnot!. SMIRNOFF® VODKA 80 & 100 Proof distilled: 
from grain. © 1968 ie Pre Smo S Mision of Heublein, inc) Hartford, CT = Made in USA” 


amor LOUIS RUKEYSER 


a candid conversation with the peppery host of “wall street week" about 
money, greed and taxes in an era of business superstars and take-overs 


Wall Street raiders, white knights and 
greenmailers wage wars for control of some 
of the nation’s prize companies. A new tax 
law, the most revolutionary in decades, 
affects every American’s 1040. Business 
journalists, once relegated lo the financial 
section, now find themselves covering front- 
page human-interest stories on layoffs and 
cutbacks that cost thousands of jobs. Not a 
few work the police beat, as the greatest 
insider-trading scandal in Wall Street’s his- 
tory continues its spasms. 

It’s no surprise, then, that the business 
media have themselves become a blue-chip 
growth industry. New publications have pro- 
hferated; existing ones have grown fatter. 
Money is the hot magazine. Television serves 
up a potpourri of specialized business shows 
where once situation comedies reigned. 

Well, not entirely. For 17 years, there has 
been Friday night's "Wall Street Week,” with 
Louis Rukeyser as host. Produced by Mary- 
land Public Television, the show began as a 
limited-run series on just a few Eastern PBS 
stations, then gradually grew to its present 
prominence: almost 300 stations and an 
audience of 10,000,000, twice the weekly 
circulation of The Wall Street Journal. 
Along the way, Lou Rukeyser emerged as the 
best-known star of public television—with 


“The M.B.A. degree is in the same position 
as the high school diploma was two decades 
ago. It’s now the entry-level requirement in 
many occupations. But most self-made execu- 
tives have total contempt for the M.B.A.s." 


the possible exception of Big Bird. 

Why all the hubbub? Rukeyser says it's 
because the financial show (пош retitled 
“Wall Street Week with Louis Rukeyser”) is 
broadcast in English, a fact that he mentions 
to guests when they seem poised to lapse into 
financial jargon. He also thinks people are 
fascinated by money —“one of only two sure- 
fire subjects,” especially, says Ruheyser, when 
presented with “a little but of flair.” 

That flair is principally Rukeyser’s wit, his 
ability to find the humor in the nation’s 
money supply or the latest merger. Each 
show, he delivers a tart monolog that skewers 
those perpetrators on and off Wall Street who 
had a hand in shaping the week's events. 
Inevitably, he ventures into politics. (“Johnny 
Carson and 1 are the only two people on tele- 
vision doing topical humor,” he claims.) 

“Wall Street Week” is nothing if not a for- 
mula show. After his solo opening, Ruleyser 
leads a panel of resident Wall Strecters (cho- 
sen from a select repertory company of 19) 
through an interpretation of the week in 
finance, The experts answer viewers’ ques. 
tions, and. each week the host and his panel- 
ists grill a guest who has played a key role on 
the Street or in the board room. 

While it’s not a stock-tip show, according 
to Rukeyser, tssues have been known to move 


“Just because a jerk like Ivan Boesky abuses 
the system is no reason to junk the system. 
Those of us who believe in it have to be most 
indignant when people abuse it, The crook 
should be jailed, and fast.” 


а point or two on the basis of a mention on 
“Wall Street Week” Invariably, Rukeyser 
asks his guests to “name names,” though he 
refrains from picking stocks himself, often 
steering the discussion toward the big picture: 
the budget deficit, international-trade consid- 
erations, problems and prospects in particu- 
lar industries, Such a canvas reflects his 
belief that for too long the news has been 
dominated by political reporters who are con- 
vinced that their stories constitute the “high- 
policy stuff, the news about war and peace.” 
In Rukeyser’s vision, economics underlies all 
events, and “if you haven't got the economics 
straight, nothing else matters.” 

He has plenty of perspective to support 
that view. Born in 1933, he went to Prince- 
ton and graduated in 1954, Then, after a 
stint in the Army, he joined the staff of the 
Baltimore Sun. He worked his way up, 
becoming chief political correspondent for 
The Evening Sun and then, at the age of 
26, becoming chief of The Sun's London 
bureau. Later he became the paper's princi- 
pal Asian correspondent. Rukeyser's report- 
ing from New Delhi, Hong Kong and 
Saigon (just as the Vietnam war was heat- 
ing up) won him two Overseas Press Club 
awards. But being a ham, he found the lure 
of TV too hard to resist and signed on as 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DEBORAH FEINGOLD 


“What do I think of the new tax law? It's 
anti-American. 105 antigrowth. It's. anti 
success. It’s anti-upward mobility. It isn't a 
tax cut . . . it’s a scam. We're all going to be 
paying for this.” 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


ABC's Paris correspondent in 1965. A year 
later, he moved across the Channel to head 
the network's London bureau. 

In 1968, Rukeyser returned lo the United 
States, where ABC gave ham a newly created 
post—econamics editor. He lobbied hard for 
the job, facing resistance from top executives 
who felt that the subject was “too dull and too 
complex for viewers used to sitcoms and 
shoot-"em-ups.”" 

Rukeyser continued to make waves—and 
not a few enemies —by charging that none of 
his colleagues was versed in economics and 
that it received scandalously scant coverage 
on television news. As he grew increasingly 
comfortable with the subject, he became the 
in-house economics expert, fulfilling, per- 
haps, his genetic legacy. Rukeyser’s father, 
Метуіе, had been financial editor of the 
New York Tribune and a syndicated finan- 
cial columnist. 

As ABC's economic editor, Rukeyser began 
delivering a twice-weekly commentary on the 
ABC Evening News and served as host for 
several special reports, such as “The Great 
Dollar Robbery: Can We Arrest Inflation,” 
which won him a 1970 Emmy nomination. 
That same year, he was approached by the 
Maryland Center for Public Broadcasting to 
advise on a show called “Wall Street Week,” 
which would relate economic developments to 
the wallet of the average person. When the 
producer asked Rukeyser to recommend a 
host, he drew a blank—and was asked to fill 
the spot himself. Rukeyser moonlighted at 
“W.S.W.” while continuing to work at ABC. 
“Wall Street Week” was picked up by the 
entire PBS network in 1972 and a year 
later, Rukeyser quit ABC. His career 
promptly took off. He became a highly paid 
regular on the lecture circuit and, beginning 
in 1976, returned to the typewriter as a syn- 
dicated newspaper columnist. He has since 
written two books, “How to Make Money in 
Wall Street” (“You'd have to be a dullard to 
cover the subject and not pick up any exper- 
tise”) and "What's Ahead for the Economy 
published in 1983 and the title of the 40 or 
50 speeches he gives each year. 

To target the business beat in this era 
of corporate superstars, Wall Street scandals 
and take-over mania, PLAYBOY sen! Warren 
Kalbocker to talk with the man who was there 
first. Kalbacker’s report: 

“The Boesky affair, involving trader Ivan 
Boesky's illegal use of inside information 
to reap huge profits on Wall Street, had bro- 
ken shortly before our first scheduled session. 
The stock market had plunged 40-odd points 
the previous day, and there was gloom in the 
air—a definite whiff of bear on Wall Street. 
Rukeyser dived right into the scandal story, 
of course, but he didn’t let it get in the way of 
his peppiness about the economy in general. 
At the end of our long conversation, he 
checked the market for the day and noted that 
it was down just a bit. "They're selling off the 
crooks,” he cracked. Nothing was about to 
shake Lou Rukeyser's faith in the free- 
enterprise system. 

“Rukeyser has a great deal to say about 
capitalism and was eager to do so in a more 


expansive medium than his 45-second TV 
answers or the 750-word bites of his weekly 
newspaper column. His spacious house in 
Greenwich, Connecticut, provided the setting 
for several early interview sessions. But 
Rukeyser seems lo be on the road as often as 
he is at home, and our talks also took place in 
hotel rooms, aboard airliners and in taxis 
and rented cars. 

“Clearly, he enjoys the niche he's created 
for himself out of broadcasting, playing the 
pundit and taking his show on the road. The 
crowds, prosperous and seemingly Republi- 
can, obviously regard him as one of their 
oum, though Rukeyser insists that he takes 
umbrage al being called a conservative. He 
can work a room with consummate skill and 
liming, bul he reminds you often that he con- 
siders himself a working journalist. 

“His affection for his roots in the newspa- 
per business is obvious, down to the manual 
typewriter on which he pounds out the script 
for “Wall Street Week’ and the city-room at- 
mosphere before the show on Friday evening. 

“Television, though, has made him the 
celebrity he is. He is frequently stopped in 
hotel lobbies and airports by people thanking 
him for investment advice gleaned from his 


“The best thing the 
small investor has 
going for him is 
the stupidity of 
the large traders.” 


show; only а few claim that the tips were bum 
steers. One young woman recognized him 
and offered him some advice of her own: 
‘Jesus saves.’ Rukeyser’s aside, a line no 
doubt awaiting just such a setup, was ‘But 
Moses invests.” 

“Rukeyser claims to be the champion of the 
small investor. At least he tried to be with this 
small investor. Before one holiday weekend, 
he predicted which way the stock market 
would move on the basis of his intuition— 
plus some ‘leading indicators,’ naturally. At 
our next meeting, he wagged his finger. “See, 
if you hadn't been so busy plying me with 
questions, you might have made a nice piece 
of change.” 

“Slory of a lot of peoples lives, I thought. 
But not Rukeysers. He asks questions and 
makes a nice piece of change.” 


PLAYEOY: Despite record highs on the Dow 
Jones, haven't the scandals of the past 
year produced a record amount of fear 
and loathing on Wall Street? 

RUKEYSER: I think the scare was healthy. 
‘There was an arrogance in many quarters 
of the investment world. A lot of those 
guys, the arbitragers who trade on giant 
take-overs, have gotten a well-deserved 
black eye, and if they’re knocked out per- 


that won't disturb me one bit. 
As you say on Wall Street Week, 
care to name any names? 
RUKEYSER: Well, Ivan Boesky, of course. 
And Dennis Levine. [Both were charged 
with illegal inside trading.] The wry joke 
among arbitragers is that since the arrest 
of Levine, the new definition of arbitrager 
on Wall Street is someone who says he's 
never even met or talked with Dennis 
Levine. Now they’re all racing to tell us 
they’ve never done business with Boesky. 
Actually, I was thinking of some of the 
others, whom I probably shouldn't men- 
tion by name, because they haven't been 
charged—yet. Yes, Wall Street is under 
fire, and the question is, Is it no longer a 
place for the average person’s money? 
PLAYBOY: And the answer is? 
RUKEYSER: That the average person ought 
to try to keep it all in perspective. The 
indignation is justified. There's nothing 
wrong with someone's being smarter th: 
I am and figuring out that Company X 
is selling at a bargain price and is a likely 
take-over target. But if that someone is 
proceeding because of a surreptitious tip 
from a merge lawyer or the vice- 
presidents mate, then he's stealing. He's 
robbing the rest of us. On the basis of evi- 
dence we have now, Boesky was a pur- 
veyor of stolen goods. He was illegally 
provided information from those who had 
a fiduciary responsibility not to reveal it 
and he was fencing it in the market place. 
But overall, I don't think the financial 
markets run corruptly. It wouldn't be in 
their self-interest to do so. The chairman 
of the Securities and Exchange Commis- 
sion, the people charged with cracking 
down on this, says himself that the extent 
of such illicit activities is far less than gos- 
sip and rumor would suggest. And I think 
the SEC is right on thi 
"The true insiders—the heads of invest- 
ment firms—are the first to recognize that 
they have to expunge this cancer com- 
pletely, publicly. They need everybody's 
money—they need cash for these markets, 
and a lot of people are being scared off 
legitimate operations because of the 
stench of the improper ones. The heads of 
investment firms want these guys taken 
care of real fast. They're terrified. 
PLAYEOY: Whom do you represent when 
you reassure people about Wall Street? 
Publicly, you speak up for the small inves- 
tor, but you rub shoulders with a lot of 
big-time insiders. 
RUKEYSER: I represent the customer. I have 
a warm identification with the small 
investor for the excellent reason that 1 am 
one. I’m just a working journalist. Actu- 
ally, in the course ofan average Wall Street 
Week, we practice three basic forms of 
journalism—reporting, analysis and com- 
mentary. It’s a litle unusual that the 
same guy is doing all three, but I think it's 
perfectly clear when Im reporting 
something—giving people the Dow Jones 
average for the weck. When I analyze, I 


try to figure out what some events mean to 
the average guy. And 1 comment when 1 
do something like offer a presumptuous 
proposal for reforming Social Security. 
PLAYBOY: We'll get back to Wall Street 
insiders; but in the larger sense, we might 
not be having this conversation if business 
and banking hadn't become so fashion- 
able these past few years. Why do you 
think all this has happened? 

RUKEYSER: Fads come and go in occupa- 
tions. Investment banking is the place to 
go for the bucks, they say, and it has 
become the subject of cover stories in 
magazines and general-interest TV pro- 
grams. But maybe a year from now the hot 
new profession is going to be interior 
design. 

When I started going on college cam- 
puses, in the late Sixties, I used to say that 
there were two extreme positions—the 
radicals said that we were the most 
immoral society in 3000 years and the 
moderates said no, only 2000. To me, 
there was always a hypocrisy to the so 
called Sixties idealism. Very often it was 
“Daddy is a terrible matcrialist, fascist 
s.o.b. I really hate the guy, and besides, 
where's the check for my stereo?” Then, in 
the Seventies, the realization set in that 
none of this works by magic. It is not pre- 
destined that America will always have 
world economic leadership and that every 
American is entitled to live better than his 
parents did 


When I lectured on college campuses 
during the height of the miscalled energy 
crisis and explained that it wasn’t just 
some scam got up by the big oil compa- 
nies, I'd say to students, “This is a free 
country and you have the right to disbe- 
lieve what Гуе just said. If so, I have a 
suggestion: If you think that the big oil 
companies are ripping off the American 
people and have this great profiteering 
scam, you can get in on the scam. All you 
have to do is put together enough money 
or borrow some from your father—it'll be 
опе of the most useful things you ever bor- 
rowed for—and get yourself a share or two 
of these rip-off artists and you can be part 
of the rip-off” 

PLAYBOY: Obviously, they didn’t all take 
you up on it 

RUKEYSER: No. And why? Because anyone 
who then got into the real world—as 
opposed to the ivory tower—discovered 
that it wasn’t such a rip-off, that it wasn't a 
guaranteed route to obscene profits. That 
was the beginning of wisdom on that sub- 
ject. So we had a terrific change. The most 
popular major on college campuscs today 
is business. That would have been 
unthinkable 20 ycars ago. 

PLAYBOY: And the M.B.A. degree is the 
ticket to success in this brave new business 
world? 

RUKEYSER: The M.B.A. degrec is in the 
same position as the high school diploma 
was two decades ago. It’s now the entry- 


level requirement in many occupations. 
But the way the M.B.A.s view themselves 
and the way they're viewed by the busi- 
ness community could be two different 
movies. Most of the self-made executives 
have total contempt for M.B.A.s. Others 
complain that graduates of our most pres- 
tigious business schools come in expecting 
to run the business in two weeks and have 
only a limited view of how they can pre- 
serve their inflated salaries. 

PLAYBOY: You think they want too much 
too soon? 

RUKEYSER: Generally, yes, though there 
are areas where youth and remuneration 
are associated. For example, the commod- 
ities pits. And particularly with the most 
recent innovations, such as stock-index 
futures and stock-index options, the aver- 
age participant is barely eligible to pur- 
chase a razor. But those casino areas of 
finance have always had the lure of instant 
wealth. My own view is that those who 
approach Wall Street as if it were a casino 
should expect casino odds. Of course, 
some people hit. 

Money doesn’t care where it goes. I've 
never agreed with those theologians who 
think the acquisition of wealth is associ- 
ated with some inner grace that is not 
bestowed on those who make less. Take 
the highly paid rock star. I don’t begrudge 
him the money. Nobody is being com- 
pelled to go to his concerts. These people 
offer their wares and the market puts a 


lat CAR WAX. 
PROTECTS AS HARD AS IT SHINES. 


PLAYBOY 


54 


price on them. If somconc has legitimately 
built an enterprise, he's entitled to every 
penny. But it's important that he abide by 
the law. Just because a jerk like Ivan 
Boesky abuses the system is no reason to 
junk the system. Those of us who believe 
in the system have to be the most indig- 
nant of all when people abuse it. The 
crook should be jailed, and fast. 

PLAYBOY: We've had laws against insider 
trading for years. Why are we only now 
seeing really big busts? 

RUKEYSER: As long as there's been a Wall 
Street Week, Гуе been hectoring every suc- 
cessive chairman of the SEC about insider 
trading. You didn't have to be a genius to 
recognize that before every major news 
announcement, there had been acti 
the securities industry that smacked of 
illegality. Га been asking them about it 
for years and they mumbled and stalled. 
The current SEC targeted this as one of 
their major priorities and said as clearly as 
they could that they now had computers 
that could trace this sort of thing more 
rapidly and accurately, and they have pro- 
ceeded as good as their word. I think the 
nextstep clearly will be SEC: The Movie. 

PLAYBOY: And the plot? 

RUKEYSER: The story contains all the great 
elements of human interest: enormous 
sums of money, spectacular examples of 
high living beyond the dreams of ai 
body, crime on a scale that would have 
intrigued Rasputin. It’s not surprising or 
improper that pcople are consumed by it. 

What worries me is that we're going to 
let the crime story overshadow the reality, 
which is that these markets perform a val- 
uable seryice and that most of those in 
them are decent—as they have to be in 
their own self-interest. 

The market needs the small investor, 
because he provides liquidity, depth, 
stability—things the great institutions 
very often don’t provide—and because he, 
and I use the word he only gencrically, 
buys many stocks that are considered too 
small and too unimportant for the great 
behemoths of investing. 

PLAYBOY: You defend the little guy; but 
without the kind of inside information 
those behemoths have, does he ever really 
stand a chance? 

RUKEYSER: You don't need this kind of 
information to make moncy on Wall 
Street. In my observations over the years, 
more money is lost than made on so-called 
inside tips. By the time the average person 
hears what he or she is told is the inside 
stuff, the information is neither illegal nor 
valuable. You shouldn't worry about try- 
ing to figure out the inside tips. What you 
have to do is pick the quality companies 
that are going to grow with America and 
stick with them through the kind of blow- 
out that has everyone murmuring that the 
whole thing is a scam, The Bocsky affair 
demonstrates the need to stick to the fun- 
damentals of investing and consider such 
old-fashioned questions as whether or not 
there really is a company there and 


whether or not it has taken on more debt 
than the government of Argentina. 
PLAYBOY: And now you're going to instruct 
us in the fundamentals of investing. 
RUKEYSER: On Wall Street Week, what Гус 
been telling people for 17 years now is, if 
somebody says something useful on a Е 
day night, don't rush in when the market 
opens Monday morning and buy, buy, 
buy, because 10,000,000 other people have 
heard that as well. Follow it up. See if it is 
а good suggestion. If it is a good sugges- 
tion, it will be a good suggestion in three 
days or four weeks—long after the initial 
flurry of enthusiasm has occurred. I don't 
think people anywhere should be grab- 
bing a sliver of information and rushing to 
commit their hard-earned money. 
PLAYBOY: You're welcome to plug vour TV. 
program up to a point, but isn't it a fact 
that large institutions have achieved real 
dominance in the financial markets? 
RUKEYSER: We have an interesting situation 
now in terms of the individual investor. 
People are scared by figures that came ош 
well before it was revealed that Bocsky 
had to pay $100,000,000, part of which 
was restitution, part of which was penalty. 
According to recent figures, as much as 89 
percent of the trading the New York 
Stock Exchange is done by institutions— 
pension funds, banks, mutual funds, 
insurance companies. So people ask what 
chance the small investor has. My view is 
that he has a terrific chance if he avoids 
the temptation to be a slickly sophis 
cated in-and-out trader. 

But getting back to that 89 percent fig- 
ure, although the institutions dominate 
trading on the New York Stock 
ge, that’s not true of all markets. 
On the over-the-counter market, they're 
still a minority. And they don't even own 
the majority of shares on the New York 
Stock Exchange, even though they're shuf- 
fling them back and forth pretty fast 
PLAYBOY: And how docs the small inyestor 
play this? 

RUKEYSER: The best thing the small inves- 
tor has going for him is the stupidity of the 
large traders. I mean that quite sincerely 
The lofty ational investors have all 
the faults they ascribe to the small inves- 
tor: They get very emotional. They tend to 
panic at critical moments. They all buy 
and sell stocks at the same time—which 
sends the price up or down. ‘The ar- 
bitragers are always at pains to try to min- 
imize that impact, and the individual who 
is not swept up in that kind of institutional 
hysteria has a terrific advantage. He has 
two others as well. He doesn’t have very 
much money; the amount of money 
involved is so picayune that we do not 
influence the course of the market. You 
and I can go along for the ride without 
influencing the price. The third advantage 
is that we don't have to report our 
results—if you can resist the temptation to 
brag to your spouse or friends or tell 
everyone at a cocktail party. These other 
fellows are always dressing up their 


HOW 
| 
\VORKS 


With traffic radar and Rashid VRSS both trans- 
mitting on the same frequency (24.150 GHz). 
normal receiver technology can't tell one from 
the other. Even when you scrutinize K band with 
a digital spectrum analyzer, the two signals look 
alike (Figure 1). 

We needed a difference, even a subtle one, 
the electronic equivalent of a human fingerprint. 
Magnifying the scale 100 times was the key 
(Figure 2). The Rashid signal then looks like two 
separate traffic radars spaced slightly apart in 
frequency, each being switched on and off several 
‘thousand times a second. 


Resisting the easy answer 

Knowing this “fingerprint” it would have 
been possible—although not easy—to design a 
Rashid-recognizer circuit, and have it disable the 
delector's warning section whenever it spotted a 
Rashid. 

Only one problem, With this system, you 
wouldn't get a 
warning if radar 
were ever operal- 
ing in the same 
vicinity as the 
Rashid. Statisti- 
cally this would 
bea rare situation. БРТ 
But our engineers 
[ета печ п 2 те арен 
‘99 percent solutions. 

‘When the going gets tough 

The task then became monumental. We 
couldn't rely on a circuit that would disregard 
two K band signals close together, because they 
might be two radars. We couldn't ignore rapidly 
‘switched К band signals, because that would di- 
minish protection on pulsed radar (the KR11) and 
“instant-on"* 


A whole new deal 

The correct answer requires some pretty 
amazing "signal processing; to use the engi- 
feering term. The techniques are too complex 
to go into here, but as an analogy of the so- 
phistication, imagine going to a family reunion 
with 4.3 million attendees, and being able to find 
your brother in about a tenth of a second. 

Easy to say, but so hard to accomplish that 
‘our AFR (Alternating Frequency Rejection) cir- 
сигу couldn't be an add on. It had to be inte- 
grated into the basic detection scheme, which 
means extensive circuitry changes. And more 
paperwork for our patent department. 


Radar waming breakthrough #4 


is now available from the same engineers 
who made #1, #2, and #3 


Baa news for rader detectors. The FCC (Federal 
Communications Commission) has cleared the 
Rashid VRSS for operation on K band. 


What's a Rashid VRSS? 

The Rashid VRSS isa collision warning sys 
tem using a radar beam to scan the vehicle's 
path, much as a blind person uses а cane. It 
may reduce accidents, which is very good news* 


Now for the bad news 

Unfortunately, the Rashid transmits on K 
band, which is one of the frequencies assigned 
to traffic radar. Rashid speaks a radar detec 
tors language, you might say, and it can set 
off detectors over a mile away. 

Faced vith this problem, we could hope 
Rashid installations will be few. Or we could in 
vent a solution. 


Opportunity knocking 

Actually, the choice was easier than it 
Sounds, because сиг engineers arein the habit 
of inventing remarkable solutions. In fact, in the 
history of radar detection, only three advance. 
ments have qualified as genuine breakthroughs, 
and all three came from our engineers. 

Back in 1978, they were first to adapt dual. 
band superheterodyne technology to the prob- 
lem of traffic radar. The result was ESCORT, 
now legendary for its performance. 

In 1983, when a deluge of cheap imported 
detectors was found to be transmitting on radar 
frequency, our engineers came through again, 
this time with ST/O/P”, a sophisticated circuit 
that could weed out these phony signals before 
they triggered an alarm. 

Then in 1984, using SMDs (Surface 
Mounted Devices), micro-electronics originally 
intended for satellites, these same'engineers 
designed the smallest detector ever. The result 
was PASSPORT, renowned for its convenience. 


жог more information on Rashid VRSS collision waming. 
system, see Popular Science, January 1986. 


They sald It couldn't be done 

Now мете introducing breakthrough num- 
ber four. In their cleverest innovation yet, our 
engineers have found a way to distinguish 
Rashid from all other K band signals. It's the 
electronic equivalent of finding the needle in a 
haystack. The AFR” (Alternating Frequency Re- 
jection) circuit isolates and neutralizes all 
Rashid signals, yet leaves the radar detection 
capability undiminished for your protection. 


No walting for the good stuff 
When testing proved that AFR was 100 
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it into ESCORT and PASSPORT. Our policy is to 
make running changes—not model changes— 
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RADAR 


RASHID 
Figure 1: А digital spectrum analyzer scanning the entire width 
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quick conversation 


AUTHOR! AUTHOR! 


CONGRESSMAN RICHARD A. GEPHARDT 


tax-time lips, insights and a few regrets by the 
man who co-wrote the tax-reform bill 


Representative Richard A. Gephardt 
(Democrat, Missouri) is the co-author, with 
Senator Bill Bradley (Democrat, New Jer- 
sey). of the Bradley-Gephardt Fair 
plan, which was the precursor to last year's 
tax-reform law. Gephardt, 45, is in his sixth 
term in the House and is campaigning for 
the Democratic nomination for President in 
1988. He is a member of the tax-wriling 
Ways and Means Committee and was a 
member of the House-Senate Conference 
Committee, which wrote the final version of 
the tax-reform act that Congress passed last 
Seplember. This interview was conducted 
Jor maysov by nationally syndicated 
columnist Donald Lambro at the beginning 
of 1987. 


PLAYBOY: As co-author of the tax-reform 
bill, what do you tell your friends who 
take you aside and ask, “Is this new law 
going to help me or hurt те?” 
GEPHARDT: І tell them it helps everyone, 
that it really does make the system fairer. 
I argue that it helps economic growth, 
which is good for everybody. Clearly, 
there are some people in every income 
category whom it hurts, but there are 
others in every income category whom 
it helps. It tends to hurt more people 
in the upper-income categories—ahove 
$60,000 or $70,000—because more of 
those people were highly sheltered. You 
have more losers per capita in tho: 
groups than you do in the lower groups. 
But there are more winners in the lowest- 
and middle-income graups—850,000 
and below—than in any other groups. 
PLAYBOY: Then what do you say to the 
middle and upper-middle carners who 
get hit the hardest? 

GEPHARDT: It depends. My feeling is that 
over 20 years, we created a bunch of t 
break junkies. People began to worry 
more about avoiding taxes than about 
making money. That’s the great benefit 
of this new law. If these people were 
absolutely intent on avoiding taxes and 
were working every shelter known to 
man, then maybe it would increase their 
taxes. But the great attraction now is 
knowing that the top rate is 28 percent, 
that you don’t have to do gymnastics to 
get the tax rate from 40 percent to, say 
28 percent 

PLAYBOY: When people buttonhole you, 
what are they most concerned about? 
GEPHARDT: Individual Retirement Ac- 


counts, because a lot of people have 
them. Also questions about interest and 
the deduction of interest. Those two 
arcas are unsettling. People also ask, 
“What's the form going to look like? Will 
it be more complicated?” Another ques- 
tion is “Are you going to change it?” All 
these stories have circulated that we're 
going to change the code, go back to 
where we were and raisc taxes. 

PLAYBOY: Just so pcople can gnash their 
tecth, tell us what they should have done 


“Over 20 years, we created a bunch af tox- 
break junkies. Now that the top rate is 28 
percent, you dan't have to do gymnastics ta 
get the tox rate down from 40 percent.” 


before the end of the year. 

GEPHARDT: A heck ofa lot of ads told peo- 
ple to buy cars [because of the phase-out 
of sales-tax deductions] or sell certain 
kinds of stocks to avoid the change in the 
capital-gains rate. [There are now limi- 
tations оп capital-gains cxclusion.] 
When friends asked, my advice on what 
and whether or not to buy was “It reall 
depends on your situation." I'm not a 
tax consultant, but I tried to warn them 
that they shouldn't be sucked into a deal 
by somebody who might make money 
out of it, unless they had really analyzed 
the facts. If you can’t afford a new car, a 
$500 deduction for the sales tax doesn’t 
make much sense. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you water down the 


tax benefits for IRAs? With the savings 
rate in the U.S. as low as it is, why would 
Congress eliminate such a successful 
incentive? 
GEPHARDT: First of all, Z wanted to keep 
[full deductibility for] IRAs. That was 
our position in the House, and I’m sorry 
that they were taken out. But whatever 
the decision, the evidence of economists 
is that IRAs don’t increase the savings 
pool in this country; they simply substi- 
tute the way the saving takes place. In 
other words, they didn’t cause people to 
save more of their net income; they 
caused them to put it into IRAs rather 
than something else. I was still for them, 
though. I think there's a strong social 
good in getting moncy into long-term 
capital that can he used for retirement. 
PLAYBOY: Are there any big surprises in 
the new tax law that we might not have 
seen? 
GEPHARDT: The average middle Amcri- 
can isn’t going to be in for a big surprise 
Some tax shelters in the real-estate arı 
especially those with passive losses, were 
taken away retroactively, and I sympa- 
thize with the criticism of people affected 
by that. 
PLAYBOY: People expected that the deals 
they'd already gone into would be 
grandfathered—in other words, ex- 
empted. 
GEPHARDT: Yes. There is some grand- 
fathering and there is some transition, 
but probably not as much as there 
should be. A lot of us fought in the 
conference to make a more generous 
transition. 
PLAYBOY: What about the effects of tax 
reform on the economy? There are some, 
such as this month's Playboy Interview 
subject, Louis Rukeyser, who think it's 
bad for the country. 
GEPHARDT: | disagree, People say that 
this new law is going to disrupt economic 
growth and that it’s going to slow things 
down. I don’t believe that. Гуе seen the 
differing econometric models, and you 
can find a model that will say anything 
you want it to say. Other factors are a lot 
more critical: The Federal deficit, the 
interest rates, the exchange rate, the 
trade issue and consumer confidence are 
all more important factors for long-term 
economic growth. 

I've never bought the argument that 
the panacea for all of our problems lies 


in changing the tax code. One of our 
goals in tax reform is to have a more level 
playing field, to get all of these tax deci- 
sions out of economic decision making— 
to the extent they've been in it—and to 
let money and capital Row to ventures 
that are designed to make money, to cre- 
ate wealth and to create jobs. 

ill, polls show that a majori 
of Americans are cynical about the tax- 
reform law. They expect to pay more 
taxes and fear that reform will make the 
tax code even more complicated ıhan it 
was before. 

GEPHARDT: I reject both of those views. I 
understand the cynicism, because the 
taxpayer has seen us change the law 
about every other year, and usually it 
does get more complex and less fair. But 
I say, let's give this a try. The fact of the 
matter is that even though there is no net 
change in revenues, we put heavier taxes 
on corporations in order to lower taxes 
on individuals. For most people, йз 
more likely that their taxes will go down 
rather than up. 

As to the second point—compli- 
cations—yes, there's change, so there 
will be complications. But 15 percent 
more taxpayers will be filling out their 
tax returns оп the short form. The num- 
ber will go from 70 percent ofindividuals 
to 85 percent. And that’s a considerable 
simplification for that 15 percent of all 
taxpayers. 

PLAYBOY: What about the argument that 
some of the reforms are bad for entrepre- 
neurs, that people who have incorpo- 
rated themselves will suffer, because the 
new law cancels their tax breaks? 
GEPHARDI: I suppose they could now 
unincorporate and go to а subchapter S 
and get back into the other mode. I 
always felt it was unfortunate that we 
had different corporate and individual 
top rates. That’s what changed when we 
wrote Bradley-Gephardt—the corporate 
rate and the top individual rate were the 
same. And that was the main reason 
we did that. Unfortunately, when the bill 
came out, we had a higher top corporate 
rate than individual rate. So now the 
people who incorporated in order to get 
the lower rate probably want (0 un- 
incorporate. I'm sorry about the paper 
blizzard that’s going to ensue, but that’s 
the way it happened. 

PLAYBOY: If you could go back and 
change one or more provisions in this 
tax-reform law, what would you change? 
GEPHARDT: Besides retroactivity and the 
IRAs? My hope is that we'll leave it 
alone. We need to let people get used to. 
the change and be able to control their 
lives and their businesses. That’s what 
we didn’t have in this country—stability 
or predictability in the income-tax law, I 
think it will be a real benefit now to have 
some tax rest. 


portfolios to make everybody believe that 
at the end of the quarter, they held all the 
hot stocks and none of the cold ones. 
PLAYBOY: Are the hot-shot money manag- 
ers attempting to take themselves out of 
the loop with this new phenomenon 
known as programed trading? 

RUKEYSER: Programed trading occurs when 
somebody—usually a large institution; 
it could be a very fat cat—buys a 
bunch of stocks and sells a stock- 
future or an option against that basket of 
stocks. 

It’s all done with computers. It doesn’t 
even take as much brains as the average 
politician has. Arguably, it can be done 
with as little as $5,000,000. The generally 
accepted minimum, though, is as high as 
$25,000,000. 105 more money than most of 
the gang I hang out with can put up for the 
average transaction. It’s a way for these 
institutions to make, in effect, a riskless 
inyestment. All they care about is getting a 
return that's higher than the yield on Treas- 
ury bills. 

I happen to think it's an antisocial 
activity and that they should quit. I blew 
the whistle on it in my column. I think I 
was the first one to write about it. It scares 
the hell out of small investors. Most of 
them, of course, protest about it when it 
sends the market down. They don't protest 
on the other days, when it sends the mar- 
ket up. 

PLAYBOY: Won’t the institutional investors 
devise new ways to get the jump on the 
average investor? 

RUKEYSER: Surc; you've got to remember 
that these fellows are paid enormous sums 
of moncy, and if they just parrot the con- 
ventional wisdom, people may occasion- 
ally wonder why they’re being paid all 
that money, so they have to come up with 
these games from time to time. 

PLAYBOY: You noted that the gang you 
hang out with can't come up with спог- 
mous sums, but you wouldn't consider 
yourself an average trader, would you? 
RUKEYSER: Of course not. Anyone who tries 
to be a trader has to have a healthy ego. 
PLAYBOY: You display a fair amount of 
self-confidence. 

RUKEYSER: I think that's just good journal- 
ism. I think most journalists, if they're 
good journalists, do not live in awe of any- 
body. If you're sensitive to hierarchies, 
you probably should find another field of 
endeavor. But I don’t devote most of my 
investing effort, time or dollars to trad 
PLAYBOY: We did happen to note your keen 
personal interest in the stock market the 
other day. You were pretty absorbed in 
your portable quote reader. 

RUKEYSER: It was a Friday and I was going 
to do my program and there was a PLAYBOY 
interviewer who wanted to distract me 
from my work. I had to keep up with what 
was going on. That was my journalistic 
responsibility. 

PLAYBOY: You did indicate a deeper, per- 
haps more personal interest when you 


index 


filled us in enthusiastically on stock-index 
futures, if we recall correctly. 

RUKEYSER: | was just trying to cducate you 
in an arcane area of the market. The stock- 
index futures, which have been around 
only since 1982, are, in effect, a way of 
buying the entire market for short periods. 
‘There are many useful, conservative ways 
to use these futures. I don’t use them in 
any of those conservative ways. For me, 
this is a hobby. When I have a feeling, 
from time to time, that I know in which 
way the market is going to head, I may 
buy or sell futures; and what I like about 
them is that they eliminate all the bull 
normally associated with investing. 
PLAYBOY: What bull is that? 

RUKEYSER: Bull excrement. The bull him- 
self, of course, is vital to upward markets. 
Anyway. futures are not all the tools avail- 
able for windows, orphans or people of 
sober temperament. I just do a little 
it because I enjoy it and find it fun. 
PLAYBOY: You also mentioned something 
about building a new swimming pool 


RUKEYSER: Well. the payoff tends to be in 
real dollars. I actually don't want to talk 
too much about the fact that I’ve had 


some pleasant successes over the years. 
PLAYBOY: You've also had some unpleasant 
surprises in your personal finances. The 
IRS is disputing your tax returns for sev- 
cral years, and Money magazine reported 
that with some relish. When Money asked 
you to comment on some of your disputed 
tax-shelter deals, you offered a very terse 
explanation. 

RUKEYSER: You told me you weren't going 
to ask about that 

PLAYBOY: We said we wouldn't make it the 
focus of this interview. But it’s a topic in 
the press. 

RUKEYSER: Well, that’s what it a silly 
little intramedia furor. A little witch-hunt 
that turned up no witch. A would-be 
hatchet job with a blunted ax. 

PLAYBOY: Then why not set the record 
straight? Ivll be tax time when the inter- 
view comes out; if there's one thing people 
sympathize with, it's IRS problems. 
RUKEYSER: I'm taking the IRS to court 
because it made some erroncous assess- 
ments, as we will demonstrate. Anybody 
who knows me can be sure that anything 
I've undertaken in my personal financial 
affairs is not only legal but legitimate and 
appropriate. The IRS, like all human 
institutions, is capable of error. They're 
not all J. Edgar Hoovers in pursuit of 
Dillingers; sometimes they're just bureau- 
crats making mistakes. That's what hap- 
pened in my case. 

PLAYBOY: According to reports, the IRS is 
saying that you cared more than 
$700,000 in 1982 and paid no taxes at all. 
RUKEYSER: I assure you we pay a lot of 
taxes every year. And while I'm not in full 
emotional agreement with Oliver Wen- 
dell Holmes that taxes are the price of 
civilization—because I fear that the uses 
to which our taxes are put aren't necessar- 
ily civilizing—Pve paid plenty of taxes in 


PLAYBOY 


the past and will pay plenty in the future. 
Plainly, I don’t plan my life with the IRS 
in the forefront of my consciousness. Гуе 
said for years that the best way to keep 
money in perspective is to gel some of it, 
but anyone who knows me knows that 
money doesn’t obsess my life or conversa- 
tion 24 hours a day. Nor am I a financial 
expert in my personal affairs. Anyone who 
wanted to prove that would have to look 
no further than my involvement with 
horses. Pm now the sole support of five 
horses, all paid for with after-tax dollars 
Docs that satisfy your interest in my finan- 
cial al 
PLAYBOY: Just fulfilling our journalistic 
responsibilities. Let's turn from your tax 
problems to tax reform in general. What 
do you think about the new law? 

RUKEYSER: Its anti-American. 105 anti- 
growth. It’s antisuccess. It’s anti-upward 


PLAYBOY: Don’t like the tax-reform bill, 
ch? 

RUKEYSER: All over this country, people 
think it’s a wonderful tax cut. That's the 
way it was sold. Yet the Government 
talked about its being revenuc-neutral, 
meaning it was nol a tax cut. How do you 
do that? It’s a scam. They y there’s a 
very big tax cut for what they call people, 
balanced by a big tax increase for what 
they call business. In the end, only рсоріс 
pay taxes, so there is no tax cut there. Sup- 
porters of the bill say it will encourage 
savings and investment, but really it’s a 
backward step because of what it does to 
capital gains, IRAs, and so forth. The 
most obvious scam here concerns the net 
long-term effects of the tax bill. We're all 
going to be paying for this. 

PLAYBOY: You worry about the effects of 
tax reform. But aren’t the economic cflects 
of all this take-over activity—the layofls, 
and so on—much tougher on рсоріс? 
Aren’t the take-over artists doing more 
harm than the tax reformers? 

RUKEYSER: I don’t accept the judgment, 
prevalent as we speak, that all these merg- 
ers are pernicious. These corporate raid- 
ers are out to make a big buck, and they 
are out to make a quick buck, but I don’t 
think the net effect of their activities has 
been negative. Yes, they’re upsetting to 
entrenched managements and, certainly, 
to the people whose jobs have been threat- 
ened. But the US. has been losing 
competitiveness, and unless we get our 
corporations in fighting condition, we 
may find it a fight we can’t win. 
PLAYBOY: But, again, fighting condi 
translates into layofß, firing, for manage- 
ment as well as labor. 

RUKEYSER: Look, many corporate 
managements had grown stagnant and 
complacent and contemptuous of their 
own stockholders, the ultimate owners of 
the corporation. They were told they were 
corporate statesmen and they were major 
figures in our society and they had roles 
and responsibilities far beyond the vulgar 
onc of making money for their sharchold- 


ers. I think all this went to their heads. 
And this self-importance was matched by 
self-indulgence. They not only paid them- 
selves handsome salaries but they lived 
the lives of 19th Century 
PLAYBOY: So you'd prescribe fewer perks 
for these guys? 

RUKEYSER: Boone Pickens, the great oil- 
company raider, told me once after he 
appeared on Wall Street Weck, “Lou, 1 
almost got into the corporate oil club 
myself. I was a good ol’ boy from Okla- 
homa and I didn't scare them the way you 
Easterners do. ] used to be invited to the 
fancy hunting lodges and the parties, the 
largest ones.” He said that the chairman 
of one of the biggest oil companies had 
said to him, “Boone, you're a bright 
young fellow. What would you do if you 
were running my company? Ha. Ha. Ha.” 
And Pickens said he looked at the fellow 
and said, "Well, the first thing ГӘ do 
would be to go to work for the shareholders 
for a change.” Boone said that after that, 
he found the invitations to the hunting 
lodges hard to come by. It’s clear that 
Pickens and others like him have touched 
many establishment executives on the raw 
nerye—their privileges. The smallest au- 
dience I addressed in the past year was the 
board of directors of one of the major cil 
companies, We had a lovely lunch, and 
afterward a very distinguished older man 
came up to me and said, “You were 100 
nice to that son of a bitch Boone Pickens.” 
PLAYBOY: As a sharcholder yourself, you no 
doubt have some ideas about how hard 
managements should work for you. 
RUKEYSER: It’s getting back to corporate 
basics. Making a product people want to 
buy. Producing it efficiently. Emphasizing 
quality. Things that used to be associated 
with American industry. 

Akio Morita, the chairman of Sony, 
found the situation almost the reverse of 
what it is today when he first came over 
here in the Fifties. I asked him about 
the American worker—a much-maligned 
character who's now taking so much criti- 
cism. Sony has a major operation in San 
Diego, and Morita said that American 
workers are fine—not just fine but every 
bit as admirable as Japanese workers. But 
he wasn’t so charitable about American 
management. He thought that there was a 
tendency to focus too much on quarter- 
by-quarter results instead of on long-term 
planning, and he thought we had a num- 
ber of other hierarchical ways of sepa 
ing labor from management that were 
impeding our progress. 

PLAYBOY: So your ideal manager has to 
watch out for the Wall Street take-over 
artist, stay on guard against foreign 
competition—and cat in the cafeteria with 
the blue-collar employees. 

RUKEYSER: In the long run, ] think this new 
awareness of the possibility that some- 
body is going to come up and throw a 
brick at you is going to be good first for the 
stockholders and, in the end, for all of us, 
for the competitiveness of American 


y, for the ability of the country to 
survive in the 21st Century. 
PLAYBOY: Those are fighting words to busi- 
ness school students and Wall Street Week 
viewers but may not sound so encouraging 
to the auto worker who's just been laid off 
or to the flight attendant grounded be- 
cause her airline has just been gobbled up. 
RUKEYSER: Certainly, there is pruning that 
is inevitable. There are pluses and 
minuses in this. The flight attendant 
who's furious at the airline C.E.O. is very 
often mad at the wrong guy. The same 
thing that's making her mad is making her 
sister down the road deliriously happy 
because she’s able to travel more cheaply 
than before. 
PLAYBOY: You think a lot of Morita. Do any 
Americans come to mind? Lee Iacocca has 
done quite a job of downsizing Chrysler. 
RUKEYSER: From a purely business stand- 
point, Iacocca has done a marvelous job 
for the shareholders of Chrysler. But I'm 
bemused by his role as culture hero. If he 
really were to become President, we would 
save on-the-job training, because he 
ready knows his way to the public till. 
People forget how significant that aid was 
at a critical moment. He did, indeed, pay 
back his loans, but Senator Proxmire— 
who is, God knows, по right-wing 
zealot—has suggested that in the end, it 
didn’t even save any jobs in the auto 
industry. Those lost by Chrysler would 
have gone to General Motors and Ford. 
PLAYEOY: Perhaps not. The auto industry 
hasn't exactly been providing lifetime 
employment. 
RUKEYSER: The auto industry was the clas- 
sic arrogant industry. It thought it knew 
better than its customers what its custom- 
ers ought to have. In the Fifties and the 
Sixtics, auto executives were snecring at 
demands for smaller and cheaper cars, 
and quality control became more and 
more of a joke. In the early years of Wall 
Street Weck, we had as a guest the number- 
one automobile analyst on Wall Street, 
and I asked him why the Japanese were 
having such success in selling their cars in 
our country. He looked at me and said, 
“Lou, first of all, they make better car: 
When I was a kid, we were all sold the 
myth that—to put it in terms of General 
Motors—you started out with a Chevy, 
then worked your way up to a Pontiac, to 
an Oldsmobile, to a Buick and, if you were 
massively successful, you could someday 
aspire to a Cadillac. Now, I don’t know 
too many 19-ycar-olds in America today 
who care one thing about that alleged 
progression—in part, because the Yuppic 
aspires to an imported car. But being able 
to identify every car that passed—not 
only to tell the Chevy from the Plymouth 
but to identify it by year and by model— 
that notion has yanished entirely. It 
would take a perceptive eye to do that on 
the American street corner today. The fins 
went up and down. The number of holes 
punched in the sides varied. Afier a while, 
we realized that that was nonsense. It had 


PLAYBOY 


62 


nothing to do with why we were buying a 
car. Our sclfimage could be based on 
more solid grounds. And I think it’s sad 
that insight into the changing American 
character was born abroad. 

PLAYBOY: Where does labor fit into this 
world of Ican-and-mean companies? 
RUKEYSER: I've spoken half a dozen times 
in Youngstown, Ohio. Each time I’ve been 
there, people have asked, “Does Youngs- 
town have a future?” My answer is always 
the same. I say, “Yes, Youngstown has a 
future, but only if it will look for the future 
in the future; if you wait for some politi- 
cian to promise you that he'll restore the 
conditions of 1958, you'll wait in vain.” 

‘The person who says, “My grandfather 
was a Youngstown steelworker; my father 
was a Youngstown steelworker; I have a 
right to be a Youngstown steclworker" 
making a very foolish mistake personally. 
In terms of his own self-interest, he's mak- 
ing a mistake. 

PLAYBOY: Mayhe so, but it’s not casy to 
trade a high-paying job for work in a fast- 
food restaurant. 

RUKEYSER: The big cliché is that people are 
going from these high-paying assembly- 
line jobs to McDonald's. But what we 
call service in a service economy is by 
no means all short-order cooks. It en- 
compasses information services, financial 
services and a lot of professions that 
are extremely high-paying. The over-all 
course of employment, income and spend- 
ing has been relatively favorable. 

But anything you say about the econ- 
omy is going to sound wrong to somebody. 
You don’t have to be a genius to know that 
many Americans are hurting in the farm- 
lands, in the oil patches, in hcavy manu- 
facturing and in the export industries. 
PLAYBOY: You're a big booster for capital- 
ism, but what about the human costs? Do 
you sce no advantage to the way some 
West European countries have tried to 
advance their economies while expanding 
government benefits for their people? 
RUKEYSER: I’ve always been told that the 
Europeans are more humane, but I’m not 
sure they're right. We've increased our liv- 
ing standards, and I don’t think we’ve 
donc it in a harsh, inhumane way. The key 
to 1 ng better is not redistribution, it's 
economic growth. The role ofgovernment 
is to provide backup for the truly needy, 
nat to provide services for Americans who 
could find help themselves at а lower 
price. 

PLAYBOY: So you have no compunctions 
about capitalism’s inherent greed? 

RUKEYSER: Capitalism. The word is pro- 
nounced with a sneer by those who've pro- 
vided their people with far less. Of course 
I condone greed. It’s a universal human 
emotion. Naturally, we ascribe greed to 
the other guy and say that as far as we're 
concerned, it’s just a legitimate desire to 
improve our condition. If you're unem- 
ployed, then to you the unemployment 
rate is 100 percent, and it’s the dominant 
problem. But our system deals with greed 


in a way to best let the average guy 
improve his situation. After all, when 
labor leader Samuel Gompers was asked 
what labor wanted, he answered, “More.” 
PLAYBOY: Let's get back to your arena, 
Wall Street. As we speak, the stock market 
ll doing well. In the long run, what do 
you think is going to happen? 

RUKEYSER: The most striking development 
in the financial world is that a forecast I 
once made no longer looks so loony. I 
wrote a column for New Year’s 1980 say- 
ing that the Eighties would be the decade 
of the common stocks. It didn’t take a gen- 
ius to see that common stocks were in the 
bargain basement—they were dirt-cheap. 
The mood of the country was changing — 
it was less hostile to business, to profits, to 
savings and economic growth generally 
Finally, nobody believed me. That helped 
conyince me that my conclusion was cor- 
rect. In the history of inyesting, when 
nobody wants to buy common stocks, it’s 
usually a good time to buy them. The 
great, powerful bull move began in 1982, 
though by some measurements it began in 
1974, and I think we have further to go. 
Stocks never go straight up. The market 
will have what are laughingly called cor- 
rections. 1 think there will be severe, sick- 
ening down spells, but I don’t think we've 
seen the end of the upward movement. 
PLAYBOY: That sounds like something close 
to a prediction. Do you want to be 
specific? 

RUKEYSER: I don’t know any more than 
any other human being. Please do not hate 
me for that, though. Only the charlatans 
will tell you they can call every turn of any. 
financial market. 

On Wall Street Week, we show the record 
of the Dow Jones over the years, and 
underneath that we show the real Dow, 
adjusted for inflation. By that measurc- 
ment, you'll find something highly inter- 
esting. The all-time highs were not 
reached in 1986. They were reached in 
1966. To establish а true all-time high in 
1986, the Dow would have had to close 
over 3300. 

PLAYBOY: Is it written in stone that Wall 
Street will always go for a Republican 
Administration? 

RUKEYSER: Anyone who attempts to get too 
partisan about the economy is going to fail 
every time. There's no coherence to either 
party’s side. Decades ago, the Democrats 
were the party of free trade and the 
Republicans were the high-tariff party. 
Now such lip service as Washington ра 
to free trade comes from the Republicans, 
while the Democrats say we have to pro- 
tect American industry. You'll find this on 
issue after issue. 

For instance, Federal spending. I think 
that should have been an election issue. 
'erybody is now obsessed with the defi- 
cit, which means that there is always a 
convenient excuse to raise taxes. But the 
problem isn’t that taxes are too low. The 
problem is that spending is too high. 
When Reagan came into office, he made a 


lot of promises. People react in terms of 
whether they despise or adore him. When 
people suggest to me that I'm being too 
tough on Reagan, I always have to ask 
them which Reagan they mean. Do they 
mean the Reagan who said he would bal- 
ance the budget no later than 1983? Or do 
they mean the Reagan who tells us now 
that that was just a $200,000,000 misun- 
derstanding? So instead of saying I’m pro- 
Reagan or anti-Reagan, Ї try to talk in 
terms of common sense, which immedi- 
ately disqualifies me for anything under 
discussion in Washington. I’m willing to 
say things politicians won't say 

1 think most people instinctively get too 
partisan about this. The point they miss— 
in addition to the fact that there is no 
intellectual coherence to any of these 
bozos—is that we're playing their game 
when we do that. What politicians— 
Republicans, Democrats, vegetarians, pro- 
hibitionists—want is for us to get highly 
partisan about these affairs, because once 
you've become highly partisan, they've 
got you hooked. Then you become afraid 
to say anything critical of your guy, who- 
ever he may be, even when you can see 
he’s going astray. Then you become sur- 
prised and disappointed two or three 
years down the road when he hasn’t made 
any difference, either. 

Think what Ronald Reagan would be 
saying if someone else had been President 
for the past six ycars and that person had 
presided cheerfully over a doubling of the 
U.S. national debt, had more than a 220- 
billion-dollar deficit in the fourth year ofa 
national economic recovery. Just imagine 
the sizzling one-liners Шуй would come 
crackling off Reagan's 
at that point. I find it hard to envision that 
there would have been any major differ- 
ence if he'd run on the other ticket. We all 
get excited about other issues, but in 
terms of the economy, I think there has 
been such bipartisan malfeasance that we 
ought to jail the lot of them. 

PLAYBOY: That may be the case by the time 
this appears. Incidentally, do you think 
the Iran arms scandal is as significant to 
Reagan's standing as the deficit 
RUKEYSER: No. The attention is on Iran 
now, but economics is the issue on which 
people vote. 
PLAYBOY: Docs it upset some people that 
you sound off politically rather than stick 
to economics? 
RUKEYSER: Sometimes people say to me, 
“You get into politics an awful lot.” And I 
always say, “I'll make a deal with you. I 
will stay out of politics if you will get the 
politicians out of the economy.” The 19th 
Century had a great understanding of the 
subject. It was taught as one subject: 
political economy. In the 20th Century, 
we have made an artificial attempt to sep- 
arate the subjects. The only people buffa- 
loed by this are some journalists who 
think that since they are political report- 
ers, they need not know how to add. 
(continued on page 139) 


Robert Ludlum has a deep dark secret. 


GUINNESS 


А secret shared and enjoyed since 1759. 


thrills! 

tears! 

glitz! 

an insider’s 
account of how 
phyllis george 
and a troupe of 
dancing tv execs 
turned morning 
journalism into 
breakfast mush 


By PETER MCCABE 


NEWS 


о му А FAW details of the internal 
machinations of CBS News were 
familiar to me when I went to work there 
in 1985—the year that CBS and CBS 
News themselves became the news. I had 
worked as a reporter and an editor—or, as 
people in television say, “in print” —and I 
had friends from print who had sojourned 
in TV, and some of them had run scrcam- 
ing into the night. So I made a solemn vow 
before 1 went into TV to keep a close 
watch on my mental balance, and I prom- 
ised myself that if it ever got too crazy, I 
would get out. What I probably was naive 
about was CBS; but, then again, probably 
nothing could have prepared me for what 
life at CBS turned out to be 

1 did, of course, know of CBS’ great tra- 
dition of broadcast journalism; the legacy 
Ed Murrow had established at CBS was a 
powerful one. It represented an ideal: 
“For any print journalist who wanted to 
work in television,” one veteran CBS pro- 
ducer told me, “the first choice of network 
in the Fifties was the one where Edward 
К. Murrow worked.” And so the people 
who came aboard at CBS News in the late 
Fifties and carly Sixties believed they were 
following in the footsteps of the best in the 
business 


. 
By the time I turned up at the CBS 
Morning News control room for a final job 
interview with executive producer Jon 
Katz, I had done my basic homework, 
learning a bit about the show's recent his- 
tory. I knew that as news-division presi- 
dent, Van Gordon Sauter had tried to turn 
the Morning News around, 10 compete 
with Good Morning America and Today, 
When Sauter took over the CBS News 
division in 1981, though he was a person- 
able, even friendly man who called a lot of 
his co-workers “big guy,” it was under- 
stood that he had not been appointed 
president to be charming; he was there to 
invigorate the CBS Evening News, whose 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BROONER 


|^ 


PLAYBOY 


66 


ratings had dropped off after the depar- 
ture of Walter Cronkite. Together with his 
deputy, Edward M. Joyce, and the then- 
executive producer of the Evening News, 
Howard Stringer, Sauter gave the pro- 
gram what he considered the necessary 
stylistic changes: Dan Rather was loos- 
ened up; there were fewer stories based in 
Washington and more features that one 
CBS correspondent called the “very” 
school of joumalism—they made the 
vicwer feel “very” happy or “very” sad. 
Eventually, the ratings would go up and, 
in the meantime, Sauter and Joyce turned 
their attention to the morning program. 

After changing the name from Morning. 
to the CBS Morning News, they focused on 
the anchor team of Charles Kuralt and 
Diane Sawyer. They dropped Kuralt, 
replaced him with Bill Kurtis and then, їп 
a move that stunned CBS News staflers, 
brought in George Merlis as executive 
producer. Merlis” last assignment had 
been at the same post at ABC's. Good 
Morning America, which was produced 
not by the news division but by ABC 
Entertainment. 

"The CBS Morning News did well under 
Merlis’ reconstruction, until Sawyer left 
her co-anchor spot to join 60 Minutes. 
Then the ratings dropped again, and the 
ring of former Miss America and sports- 
caster Phyllis George—a decision en- 
dorsed high in the corporate ranks of 
CBS—did little to restore them. 

When I reached the control room that 
morning in May 1985, I could sec that 
Katz was in his element. He strode about 
the place, rubbing his hands, slapping 
people on the back, exhorting everyone 
who could make a difference to “speed this 
baby up.” When he finally noticed me, he 
said, “Sit here,” parking me in his execu- 
tive producer's chair, while he went off to 
the studio to give the anchors a pep talk. 
Seated in his chair, I felt a bit like an 
impostor who was about to be unmasked. 
The entire scene was slighty overwhelm- 
ing. In front of me was a vast bank of mon- 
itors, some with tape fast-forwarding, 
some in reverse, others stationary. The 
monitors were labeled with codes—M.1, 
V3, Lsar—that were beyond my grasp. 
's coming over the London feed now!” 
someone called out. A news clerk burst 
through the room on his way to the studio 
with an update for the news block (the 
half-hourly five-minute news summary), 
while a few steps below me, the sound men 
argued about levels. A director called out 
camera cues. To my left sat a group of op- 
erators whose job, I gathered, was to su- 
perimpose printed words on the screen. 
Behind me, a woman in a tight-fitting 
dress, whom I took to be a producer, was 
complaining to another man that she 
couldn't hear what was being said on the 
main screen. Hers was the only conversa- 
tion I could understand. Given the decibel 
level in the room, I wondered how anyone 


could hear anything. I felt slightly relieved 
to see Katz come back from the studio. 

“Figured it out ye” 

“I could use a little help," I said, trying 
to be cool. 

“Those three monitors on the left. The 
top one is G.M.A., the one below is Today. 
The third one's us.” 

“That's great,” 1 said. "That's the one 
part Е understood.” 

Next to Katz, a short man with a trim 
beard laughed. 

Katz said, "That's all you really need 
to know around here. Our stuff has to be 
better than theirs.” 

“Not always casy,” said the man with 
the trim beard, who turned out to be 
Katz's deputy. “I’m David Corvo, by the 
way.” 

"You two haven't met?" Katz acted 
surprised. 

o, Jon, you didn't introduce us," 
Corvo said dryly. With a glance at the 
left. bank of monitors, he added, “Fuck 
G.M. A has Victoria Principal. That's a 


Katz whirled around in his chair. 
“Jane!” he yelled to the far end of the con- 
trol room. “Jane! Get over here!” 

A tall, attractive woman with a mass оГ 
dark hair broke off her conversation and 
hurried toward him. 

"What's the matter, Jon?” 

“See who G.M.A. has?” 

“I know.” 

“Well, how come we don't have her?" 

“She wouldn't do us, Jon," the wom- 
an said sweetly. “We tried and tried, but 
her agent said she would only be doing 
G.M.A. as a favor to Harman. She wasn't 
even going to do the Today show.” 

Corvo uttered a short laugh. “What 
Jane means,” he said, “is that not being 
second is better than not being third.” 
Sounds like bullshit to me, Jane, 
Katz said. 

As the woman walked away, he said, 
“See what I have to put up with.” 

“Who's Jane?” I asked him. 

“Jane Kaplan. One of the bookers. 
She's been with the show about cight 
years.” 

“Bookers book guests?” 

“Hey—we're catching on. 
you'll be running the place.’ 

“Camera two!” the director called оп 

We were watching a discussion about 
the merits of Reagan's Star Wars program 
when Corvo leaped out of his scat. 

“That name's misspelled!” 

He dashed over to the Chyron crew, 
the people responsible for our fancy 
computer-gencrated graphics, and the 
misspelled name was quickly wiped off the 
screen. 

“No, don’t correct it now!” Coryo 
shouted to the Chyron crew as he returned 
to his seat. "ls too late now. Jesus 
rist 
Katz leaned toward me. 


xt thing 


“See the big screen in the middle?” hc 
said. "That's going out over the air. If 
that’s ever black at seven o'clock, we're in 
trouble.” The show broke for a commer- 
cial, and Katz said, “Come on. Let's go 
down to my office and we can talk.” 

We reached his office and flicked on the 
TVs. As we watched the show, we went 
through my ideas 

“Carl Icahn is trying to take over 
TWA,” 1 said. “You should interview 
him.” 

“Good idea,” Katz said. “If we can get 
him.” 

“Malcolm Forbes is going to bid for a 
Fabergé egg at one of the auction houses. 
If he gets it, he'll own more than the 
Russians.” 

“Two for two so far," Katz said. 

After Га pitched ideas for another five 

utes, Katz cut me off. 
Listen, I think you could work here, 
but 1 want to be sure you understand 
what this place is like. I mean, there's a 
terror here about taking risks, doing any- 
thing new, and I want you to be happy 
here. You can’t change this business, and 
the people who try don’t last.” 

1 couldn't say I hadn't been warned. 

. 

My first few mornings as a senior pro- 
ducer of the Morning News, I sat in the 
studio, observing both anchors at work. Iı 
was obvious to me that Kurtis came pre- 
pared, He was clearly one of the most pro- 
ficient news readers in the business, and 
whether he was reading the news or doing 
interviews, he conducted himself with 
effortless grace. Phyllis, on the other hand, 
flitted between the studio and her dressing 
room in a state of near panic, often being 
briefed en route by equally panicky pro- 
ducers. She had no news background and 
was constantly concerned about her 
appearance, which seemed to me to be a 
case of misplaced priorities, because if 
there was one thing Phyllis did not need to 
worry about, it was how she looked. She 
was every bit as glamorous as when she 
achieved celebrity on the beauty-queen 
circuit in 1971, first as Miss Texas, then as 
Miss America. Since then, she had hosted 
game shows, co-hosted Candid Camera, 
squeezed in an ll-month mai to 
movie producer Bob Evans, divorced him 
and married John Y. Brown, Jr., the mul- 
timillionaire former governor of Ken- 
tucky, by whom she had two children. 
Between segments, there was always 2 
touch of make-up necessary, or a sweep ol 
the brush from Vincent, her hairdresser, 
who was forever in attendance, and enor- 
mous concern over whether or not her lip- 
stick had smudged. 

The process of booking guests, with 
which I was to be involved, began long 
before the morning preceding the broad- 
cast. It was the futures unit’s task to line 

(continued on page 76) 


“Your restaurant requires me 
to make a reservation five months in advance, and in 
the meantime I've acquired an ulcer, a new wife, and my business 
is in Chapter 11—and now you tell me you're out 
of baby quail and polenta!” 


EV IM 


more than a little 


hot and bothered 


XOTLONG AGO, Madison Avenue discovered 
that something very special happened 
when women started to sheathe their legs 
and holster their hips in denim jeans. 
Some of the ads appear opposite: Geor 
E no for Guess Jeans. Calvin Kl 
and—our favorite— Appaloosa 

s pitch by showing w 
when there is an 
effect of these 


lly poised between re- 
straint and desire, between oneself and 
one's jeans. We thought we'd turn up 
the heat a bit on this notion and let 
all that lightheaded languorousne 


| L. do 


you script a bit of West- 
ern wantonness in 
which everyone keeps 
some clothes on? Well, 
first corral all the 
dogies. And pick up 
everything in the 
pickup and put it away. 


ү сап 


take the bed out ofthe 


bunkhouse, but some- 


times it's a little 
difficult to take 
the bunkhouse out of 
the guy. 


Wen 


women wear clothes 
without regard to how 
they are fastened. They 
like to feel the hot, dry 
breeze of the high 


desert. 


B ut how 


do Western women keep 


their skin from drying 
out? Why are there no 


rough spots? 


B оу, we’ve 


had it. The hell with the 
rest of the chores. It's 
hot. We're tired. 


Time for a cold beer? 


PLAYBOY 


@ BS News (continued from page 66) 


“We performed somersaults so that Phyllis would 
think she was doing substantive stories.” 


up interview guests for entertainment fea- 
tures and for news events that could be 
pated. A list of upcoming events was 
compiled by a rescarcher; then the senior 
staff would meet and decide what could 
and should be booked ahead of time. 
These assignments were then given to the 
bookers, who would beg, cajole and solici 
guests, cither directly or through the 
press agents. The bookers’ main equip- 
ment was their book or Rolodex, with its 
valuable home phone numbers and con- 
tacts. When a booking was firm, it was 
placed on a grid to which the senior staff. 
could refer. On any morning, we hoped to 
have seven of the next day's show's ten 
segments booked; the balance would be 
made up with news stories. 

A live, two-hour, five-day-a-weck news 
broadcast is like a giant animal that must 
eat constantly to maintain its weight. The 
Morning News devoured people and sto- 
ries and was always hungry for more. It 
was a difficult place to manage, and 
Katz’s solution was not to systematize at 
all but to fly by the seat of his pants and 
try to carry the unruly mass along on a 
wave of enthusiasm. 

I was being groomed to take charge of 
booking and I did what was expected of 
me while my education went on. I came 
up with ideas, handed out assignments to 
the bookers, read their information pack- 
ets and did my part in getting the show on 
the air every day. 

The hours were brutal. The day began 
at six AM. and rarely ended before eight 
PM, and there were always phone calls at 
home in the evenings and on weckends 
and in the middle of the night. After ту 
first few weeks, I was given a beeper. My 
wife hated it, and I could never leave it 
lying around the apartment for fear she 
would test its durab with her hecl 

But after a while, I got used to the 
hours. The alarm would go off at six. By 
6:30, I would have showered and read one 
newspaper. I would read another in the 
cab on the way to the Broadcast Center. 
Га arrive just before seven and watch the 
show in the control room, which contin- 
ued to hold its fascination for me. 

Rarely did a show begin without a pre- 
monition that something would go wrong, 
and usually something did. A line would 
go down, or we'd lose audio, or a guest 
would be a total bore or, worse, com- 
pletely out of it. David Carradine was our 
biggest dud—he was in a hostile and 
obnoxious mood when Jane Kaplan 
picked him up at the airport, and we still, 
to our subsequent regret, put him on the 


air (because the show, as I learned to my 
disbelicf, had no backup piece in its 
bank). Other times, guests would go off on 
strange tangents, as TV actress Phylicia 
Ayers Rashad did, insisting that she owed 
her success to God and wanting to talk 
about little else. Meanwhile, the anchor 
began to turn green, and the booker in the 
control room went white. Or, worse still, 
one of the guests would be late. Then seg- 
ments would have to be switched, messi 
up Katz’s nicely drawn plans for a well- 
paced broadcast. Instead of being able to 
pick up the show’s pace at a crucial 
moment with an appearance by, say, rock 
star Phil Collins, we would get stuck with 
two doctors talking about strokes. Katz 
would drop his head into his hands, and 
within seconds, the phone in front of him 
would ring and he would pick it up, know- 
ing it was probably Joyce or Stringer. 

By nine o'clock, when the show ended, 
most of us were emotionally drained. 
That's when preparations for the next day 
hegan. 


. 
The choice of news anchors is a prerog- 
ative reserved for the very highest levels of 
management at CBS. Executive producers 
rarely, if ever, have a say in these matters; 
and in this case, neither did Ed Joyce, 
president of CBS News. The decision to 
hire Phyllis George was made above him. 

“It is fair to say that it was not some- 
thing I wanted to do,” Joyce said later. “It 
was a foolish decision and it certainly 
wasn't mine. І can’t absolve myself com- 
pletely, because in the end, 1 acquiesced, 
but it was Sauter and [CBS Broadcast 
Group president Gene] Jankowski who 
wanted her.” 

Joyce and others at CBS News maintain 
that Sauter had had Phyllis George in 
mind all along. He had been instrumental, 
after all, in bringing her to CBS Sports 
when he was its president, and it was his 
idea for her to make those twinkly side- 
line appearances during The NFL Today. 
According to Ed Hookstratten, Phyllis’ 
agent, “[Sauter's] endorsement of George 
was strongly supported by Gene Jan- 
kowski," Sauter's own boss, who also hap- 
pened to be a longtime admirer and friend 
of Phyllis’ and her husband's. 

“How they could make the choice of 
Phyllis is beyond me,” says Dick Salant, 
former president of CBS News. “They 
knew Phyllis was a hopeless case from 
the sports division. But there again, 
Jankowski had no idea what news was 
about. He always used to say, ‘Ifyou don't 


have the steak, sell the sizzle." 

It quickly became apparent to me that 
it was not easy to build а program around 
Phyllis George. Every day we performed 
all sorts of inverse somersaults so that 
Phyllis would think she was doing substan- 
tive stories when, in fact, she was not. 
Almost all the substantive stories— 
certainly anything that concemed a major 
political or social issue—wound up with 
Kurtis. Phyllis got the human-interest 
stuff. 

I had been watching the Cable News 
Network in the fish bowl—the glassed-in 
arca where the senior producers sat—on 
April 4, 1985, the day convicted rapist 
Gary Dotson was brought out of an Hli- 
nois prison. With his wimpy mustache 
and downcast eyes, mumbling “No com- 
ment” as he was escorted away, he did not 
seem to fit the cloak of the wrongfully 
imprisoned. Nor did I care for his erst- 
while victim, the unconvincing Cathleen 
Webb, who was now recanting her rape 
charge. As I listened each day to the live 
hcarings conducted by Illinois governor 
James Thompson, her account of her 
born-again experience seemed less perti- 
nent than her studied pauses, her lack of 
memory for det 

In the meantime, however, Dotson- 
Webb had escalated through those various 
phases—from story to carnival—that 
delight the publishers of tabloids and the 
producers of moming TV. America 
couldn’t get enough of them and had rel- 
ished every moment of the hearings as 
Thompson pressed Webb for more details 
on the condition of her underpants. Over 
the previous weekend, he had announced 
that he was commuting Dotson’s sentence 
to time served, even though he did not 
believe that Dotson had been wrongfully 
convicted at his trial. Call it human inter- 
est if you will—as a couple, Dotson and 
Webb were the most prized morning-show 
guests in the country at that moment. 

Over the previous several weeks, of 
course, we had booked and “done” every- 
body peripheral to the case. We'd inter- 
viewed the families, lawyers, friends—we'd 
even had Cathy Webb on the show when 
she announced her recantation. Through- 
out the hearings, our bookers had baby- 
sat, guarded homes and hotel rooms, 
phoned in questions and fought off the 
enemy, making sure we were represented 
on the story. Now the action had moved 
from Chicago to New York. Webb had 
arrived on a United flight from Chi- 
cago the day before Dotson was due to 
arrive on a plane chartered by NBC. It 
was evident that Today would have the 
first live interview with the two of them. 
Our best chance was to be second. But 
now, as 1 was about to learn for the first 
time, we were about to hit a snag. 

“There's a problem." The singsong 

(continued on page 161) 


RLUSTRATION BY ANITA KUNZ 


artie By J. MAX ROBINS 


IN THE DESERT Outside Tucson, it’s 109 
degrees—slow weather for a job that's all 
speed. No air conditioning in the gray Ford 
minitruck with the AIRBORNE ExPRESS logo, 
and it’s a good 300 miles racing down to 
Nogales and back before this day says good 
night. No sweat. Steve Robinson likes the 
heat. In fact, he digs the entire express 
racket—this real-life, zip-fast desert game 
of Beat the Clock. In the slip stream of C.B.- 
equipped truckers, he’s chasing booty that 
includes legal documents, medical sup- 
plies, high-tech gizmos and who knows 
what else due “absolutely positively over- 
night.” No, that’s not Airborne’s slogan; it 
belongs to Federal Express, whose long 
shadow haunts everyone else in this fren- 
zied business. (continued on page 158) 


FIGHT 
NIGHT 


DRESS TO IMPRESS 


playboy’s spring/summer wardrobe guide, 


from business smart to evening cool 


fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


Part One 


OPHISTICATED. coot. Comfortable elegance. 
color statements. Double- 
breasted jackets. Easy trousers with cuffs 
and pleats. Colorfully striped shirts. Light- 
ground paisley, foulard and border-print 
neckwear. Quality and luxury fabrics and 
fibers such as silk and silk blends, uncom- 
mon seersucker, lightweight wools and light 
wool blends, cotton oxford and twill. Shoes 
of soft and fancy woven leathers—oxfords, 


Imaginative 


loafers. The preceding notes, made months before 
part опе of this year’s Playboy Spring and Summer 
Fashion Guide went to press, are a summary of where 
tailored clothes, from business- to eveningwear, will 
be headed for at least the next six months (part two, 
next month, will address sportswear, from denim- 
look knits to patterned summer sweaters and playful 
picture-print shirts). What should you look for when 
going out to shop for a summer suit or sports jacket? 
First, consider whether you want an unconstructed, 
semiconstructed or fully constructed jacket. Uncon- 
structed means that little or no canvas is used to 
shape the chest area and lapels. This year, you'll 
see all three types of jackets represented: Some will 
be lined, some unlined, but almost all will feature 


strong, shaped shoulders rather than the natural 
look. 

Expect lapels, along with ties, to be a little wider 
this spring. The rule of thumb when wedding a tie to 
a lapel is this: The widest part of the tie should be no 
more or less than an eighth of an inch wider or thin- 
ner than the widest part of the lapel. Ties will remain 
narrow at the neck (small knots are the look you'll 
want), then widen at the apron. Bow ties, always self- 
tied, are making a comeback. 

Striped shirts, in strengths and hues from bold and 
brash to subdued and subtle, dominate in a variety of 
collar styles: Straight collar and small spread is the 
favorite, with buttondowns in linen or oxford cloth a 
close second. Contrasting collars and cufís are also 
gaining popularity, especially among younger men. 

Suspenders, or (as they say in Blighty) braces, in 
stripes, subtle paisleys or textured-linen pastels have 
nicely buttoned up part of the pants market. They 
should always be button-ons, not clip-ons, by the 
way, unless you're about six years old. Last, consider 
consigning your do-all digital to the top drawer for a 
while in favor ofa retro or antique wrist watch. It will 
bring a touch of classy individualism to an otherwise 
understated business look. 


Opposite page: The easy elegance of a lightweight silk basket-weave-patterned jacket with notched lapels, $325, 
and linen pleated trousers, $115, both by Charles Jourdan Monsieur for Hartz; a linen shirt, by Calvin Klein Mens- 


wear, $89.50; a 


silk tie with a Jacquard pattern, by Prochownick, $40; slip-ons with embossed fringe, by Alberto 


Guardiani from Avalanche, $149; silk socks, by Head Phones, $20; and an alligator belt, by Trafalgar Limited, $200. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DOUGLAS KEEVE 
AND JAMES IMBROGNO 


Left: The double-breasted suit in 
lightweight fabrics, such as linen, is 
back (some would say it never left). 
Here, a black-and-gray-plaid-linen 
four-button double-breasted suit 
with thin orange and blue 
overstriping, featuring a ventless 
fully constructed (i.e., shaped with 
canvas) and lined jacket with flap 
pockets and pleated and cuffed trou- 
sers, $585, a white-cotton straight- 
collar dress shirt, $85, and a silk 
geometric-patterned tie, $45, all by 
Hugo Boss; plus a silk pocket square, 
by Gant Neckwear, $9.50. Right: Cra- 
vats, from back to front, include an 
Italian silk-paisley look, by Reporter 
Italian Menswear, about $45; a silk- 
foulard tie, by Calvin Klein Mens- 
wear, $23.50; a multicolored cotton 
tie, by Vicky Davis, $18; an eques- 
trian-print silk tie, by Damon, about 
$22.50; a navy-silk border-print tie, 
by Savoy, $28.50; topped by a silk- 
paisley bow tie, by J. S. Blank, $15. 


1. Shirt, by Haupt, about $70. 2. & 3. 
Shirt, from Acorn by Bob Goldfeder, 
$50; and bow tie, by Savoy, $17.50. 
4. & 5. Buttondown, hy Addison on 
Madison, $59; and tie, by Jones New 
York, $22.50. 6. Shirt, by Ike Behar, 
$105. 7. Shirt, by Damon, about $30. 
8. Shirt, from Corum by Van Heu- 
sen, $26.50. 9. & 10. Buttondown, 
$51.50, and tie, $40, both by Alexan- 
der Julian. 11. Socks, from Polo 
Hosiery by Ralph Lauren, about $18. 
12. Socks, by Davco, about $10. 13. 
Crocodile loafers, by Johnston & 
Murphy, $600. 14. Shoes, by Ralph 
Lauren Footwear, $260. 15. Cuff 
links, by Mark Cross, $240. 16. Shirt, 
by Burberrys Shirts, $55. 17. 
Glasses, by Sanford Hutton tor Colors 
in Optics, about $55. 18. & 19. Shirt, 
by Perry Ellis Men, $95; and tie, by 
Damon, about $20. 20. & 21. Socks, 
by Burlington, $6; and wing tips, by 
Fratelli Rossetti, $275. 22. Slip-ons, 
by Nancy Knox, about $275. 23.— 
26. Braces by the following: Trafalgar 
Limited, about $45; Campaign, 
$17.50; Cole-Haan Accessories, about 
$45; and Campaign again, $17.50. 
27. Chronograph, by Baume & Mer- 
cier, from Marshall Field's, Chicago, 
$1150. 28. & 29. Art-deco watch, 
$195, and tank watch, $475, both by 
Calvin Klein Watches. 30. Cotton 
pocket square, by Imperial Handker- 
chiefs, $6. 31. Silk pocket square, 
by Trafalgar Limited, about $20. 32. 
‘Silk pocket square, by Ashear Broth- 
ers, about $15. 33.-36. Ostrich wal- 
let, $350, and agenda book, $200, 
lizard note pad, $85, and eyeglass 
сазе, $95, all by Mark Cross. 37. 
Glasses, by Sanford Hutton for Colors 
in Dptics, about $36. Silk ties 
38.-43. by the following: Damon, 
about $17.50; Bill Blass/J. S. Blank, 
$22.50; Fumagalli about $38; 
Stanley Blacker/J. S. Blank, $22.50; 
Addison on Madison, $27; and 
Calvin Klein Menswear, $32.50. 


More loose living in comfortable 
double-breasteds, including (left) a 
beige-linen fully constructed but 
unlined four-button double-breasted 
jacket with wider peaked lapels and 
three open-patch pockets, about 
$335, teamed with a cotton antique- 
striped spread-collar dress shirt, 
about $90, Prince of Wales glen- 
plaid linen/cotton pleated trousers, 
about $125, and a cotton/linen 
paisley tie, about $30, all by Joseph 
Abboud; plus rayon knit suspend- 
ers that button to the trousers, by 
Campaign, $24; and a multicol- 
огей madras-plaid-cotton pocket 
square, by Trafalgar Limited, about 
$9; and zigzag-patterned cotton- 
blend socks, by Davco, about $10. 
Right: A linen semiconstructed 
double-breasted ventless suit 
with a peaked-lapel jacket, $655, 
worn with a striped straight-collar 
dress shirt, $80, both by Cerruti 
1881; and a navy-ground silk-paisley 
tie, by Gant Neckwear, $18.50. 


INTENTIONAL PASS 


she was a fast-lane lawyer. he was a federal judge. she 
was appealing for a brief encounter 


fiction By GEORGE V HIGGINS 


IN 1976, seven years after she graduated magna cum 
loude from law school at Georgetown, Sally 
Deegan became a partner in the San Diego firm of 
Thompson, Roche and Royce. She specialized in 
corporate reorganizations, acquisitions and take- 
overs. She was good at her work and her work was 


good to her. Ten years later, on a cold November 
Thursday, she reported on her life to her classmate 
Paul Mariani at lunch їп Parker's in the grand old 
hotel in Boston. 

“Every so often,” she said, using her right hand 
to encompass the velvet-draped, banquetted, 
heavily linened, hushed surroundings, “I stop and 
think about the way (continued on page 155) 


PAINTING BY DENNIS МИКА! 


Chere ODIT 


pa 


90 


Don't Bc A Jerk 


LEARNTO 
TALK MERC 


DITOR AS MERCENARY. Bob Brown 

(abave) launched Soldier of Fortune in 

1975, targeting the restless-veteron 

|demogrophic. The liberal press, suffer- 
ing from a ‘Nam hangover, hit the roof over 
Brown's bush-wor boosterism, thereby assuring 
the mag's future with the fantosy-fighter set. Its 
clossified ads for hired guns have attracted 
misfiring facsimiles of the reol thing. 


lines at 5.0.f., 


and talk aricte 
ischeap By FRED REED 


PLAYING 
OLDIER 


CAME into the weird mercenary уог- 
tex of Soldier of Fortune magazine 
when the phone rang in 1980, The 
voice on the other end was low and 
conspiratorial, the vocal cords 
sounding as if they had been rav- 
aged by gargling gravel. Something 
in it whispered of far places and 
dark secrets too evil to be told 

“Hi, Fred, old asshole, I need a 
writer. Seventeen-five and band- 
ages. Interested?” The drains of the Ori- 
ent gurgled in that voice. 

I had been bumping at arm’s length 
into Bob Brown, the eccentric Special 
Forces colonel who founded S.O.F., ever 
since the heady days of the fall of Saigon. 
Bored after Asia, he had started the maga- 
zine in 1975 with about $10,000 as an 
excuse to go to bush wars. The first press 
run of 8500 copies looked as if it had been 
mimeographed in his bathroom by poorly 
trained gibbons. The photos were badly 
enough exposed, the grammar wretched 
enough to give an impression of au- 
thenticity—a correct impression. 

The first issue. contained the famous 
photo of an African who had taken a 
12-gauge blast just above the eyes—say 
"Ahhh." Horror erupted. Across the 
nation, every pipe in the moral calliope 
began honking and blowing; and, exactly 
as the old outlaw had expected, sales went 
straight up. This would become a pattern. 
Brown played the press like а piano. 
“Hm. Lemme think about it.” 

“OK. Ciao.” Click. 

I didn't think long. I was barely earning 
a living in Washington by free-lancing 
about the gray little men who run the 
world. A chance to be honestly shot 
seemed desirable by comparison. Life 
really hadn’t amounted to much since 
Phnom Penh, and Soldier of Fortune had 
an appealing renegade reputation. What 
the hell; you only live once, and most peo- 
ple don’t even do that. My wife and I 
packed the convertible. 

Crossing the Beltway and setting sail 
through Maryland into West Virginia, I 
wondered what we were getting into—not 
that it really mattered as long as it was out 
of Washington, Was S.O.F. what it pur- 


ported to be? Was it really the professional 
journal of questionable adventurers with 
altered passports, of scarred men of 
unwholesome purpose who met in the 
reeking back alleys of Taipeh? Of hired 
murderers who frequented bars in Bang- 
kok where you could get venereal diseases 
unheard of since the 13th Century? Was it 
a dubhouse for aging soldiers trying to 
relive their youth? Or was it, as one fellow 
in Washington sniffed, “ап exploitation 
rag catering to the down-demo extinction 
market”? 

We crossed Kansas in the old Sixties 
bleary-eyed, coflee-driven, unsleeping 
push and entered the People's Republic of 
Boulder—a lovely city of transplanted 
East Coasters who had gone West to 
escape the evils of Jersey and, of course, 
had taken Jersey with them. Soldier of For- 
tune had its offices at 5735 Arapahoe, in a 
park of egg-yolk-yellow warehouses where 
people made things like bowling trophies. 
I had expected a pile of skulls, barbed 
wire, a mine field or two and maybe a cou- 
ple of prisoners staked to the earth to dry. 
Instead, I found a door with a small sign: 


STOP! BEFORE ENTERING, FILL OUT A 
CARD SAYING WHERE YOU WANT THE BODY 
SHIPPED. OTHERWISE, IT WILL BE USED FOR 
SCIENTIFIC PURPOSES. 


Must be the place, 
I thought. 

А suspicious—and 
good-looking—secre- 
tary answered the 
buzzer lock in shorts 
and running shoes 
and took me through 
the warrenlike impro- 
vised offices to meet 
Brown. The walls were 
lined with pictures of { 
commandos, guerrillas 
and Foreign Legion- 
naires sweating over 
heavy machine guns in 
the deep Sahara. In an 
office, I glimpsed a short, 
weathered fellow who 
looked like Ernest Heming- 
way. (continued on page 130) 


LAY MERCS. Peoce con be on awk- 
word time for worriors; thot's why 
they invented wor gomes. At 12 
o'clock high ond five o'clock (thot's 
cbove and near right for you noncombat 
types), French Foreign Legionnoiresstolk 
imaginory enemies, while at three 
o'clock (for right), Americon toy 
soldiers secure the deep South. 


ANGEROUS DUDES. Clockwise fram top left: An 1879 Nepo- 
lese Gurkha sharpens his kukri before cutting throats on beholf of 
the British; three generations of Foreign Legionnaires do their 
duty in the desert (note the identity-obscuring long beards in the bottom two photos); 
опа two modern would-be mercs exercise their shooting eyes ot a desperodo comp in Alobomo. 


You're in the blue car, 
and out of the night 
comes the red car, 
drifting toward the 
center line with its 
brights on. Focus on 
the edge of the road 
and ease to your right, 
leaving the other car 
as much room as pos- 
sible as it passes. Then 
flip on your bright 
lights to compensate 
for any reduced vision. 


ILLUSTRATION BY MONTXO ALGORA 


HIGHT MOLES 


how to ease on down the road safely after dark 


WITZENBURS 


BY G 


DRIVING AFTER DARK is a night game whose rules are different from 
daytime motoring's. You can't travel as fast in the dark (and 
shouldn't) and you can't spot the cops if you do. Night driving is 
also fatiguing, and there’s always the danger of dozing off. Still, 
there are precautions you can take and products you can buy to 
help get you through the night safely. 

“Lack of visibility is your biggest enemy,” says truck owner/ 
operator Dan Campbell, “апа overdriving your headlights is the 
most common mistake. I always assume there could be something 
in the road just beyond my range of visibility and drive accord- 
ingly. The minute you let down your guard and put the gas pedal 
to the floor is when you're likely to end up in trouble.” 

There are two ways to deal with the danger of low visibility at 
night. The first is to reduce your speed to a point at which you can 
be certain you can stop within the range of your headlights and 
your reactions. The second is to improve how well and how far 
you can see. Some people’s eyes are (continued on page 168) 


ON THE MOVE WITH MISS APRIL, 
THE TRAVEL AGENT'S BEST FRIEND 


San Francisco is a city of 
many spectacles: cable cars, 
the view of Alcatraz, roving 
street mimes and, now, the 
spectacular Anna Clark. 


HEN YOU WALK INTO Caffé Trieste, it’s easy to forget that this is 1987. Tucked away on a narrow little street in San 

Francisco’s colorful North Beach arca, only a short walk from the famed Condor Club, wherc Carol Doda, the origi- 

nal topless dancer, defied gravity for some 21 years, Caffé Trieste is an old-fashioned coffeehouse, a throwback to the 

Beat Generation ruled by Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg, a place where disheveled intellectuals congregate to drink 
very strong coffee, smoke unfiltered cigarettes and debate the big issues: God. Art. Politics. Travel 

Travel? That's the topic at Anna Clark's table in a dark corner of Caffé Trieste. Anna, who is something of a Caffé 


regular, sits sipping a cup of espresso, her nose stuck in a science-fiction paperback, when a stranger approaches, hands 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 
GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY KERRY MORRIS 


her a white rose and strikes up a conversation. The subject immediately turns to travel, one of 
Anna’s favorite subjects. In fact, she’s in San Francisco, a 25-minute drive from her home in Mill 


Valley, to visit consulates and embassies, arranging visas and other details for her upcoming 


yearlong wip around the world. The two chat for a while, the man moves on and Anna resumes 


“One thing I can tell you,” announces Anna, “is 
that I never want to be an actress. I'd much 
rather be in business for myself or be a clothes 
buyer for a department store. I'm even using my 
Playmate money to invest in stocks.” 


һм. 


reading, A short time 
passes and another man 
stops by her table and 
introduces himself. Once 
again, the talk turns to 
travel, with Anna talking 
about the destinations— 
Australia, India, Turkey 
and other countries, most 
of them exotic, out-of- 
the-way — locales—she's 
scheduled on her trip, 
which she's doing on a 
shoestring with her 18- 
year-old brother. The 
man leaves his business 
card, which Anna uses as 
a bookmark while she 
finishes her coffee and 


walks across the street to 


a funky little pasta place. 


dventure is very 
important to те,” insists 
Anna as she picks at 
a small green salad. 
“Thats what І love 
about San Francisco. It's 
the openness, all the dif- 
ferent kinds of people 
who live here. They're 
spicy—I like that. You 
know those two guys you 
saw те talking to across 
the street? I like doing 
(text concluded on page 150) 


“I wanted to be a Playmate 
just for the experience, 

says Anna. “I consider 
this another one of 

my many adventure: 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


BUST: ZD warsT: 29 pres: Э 
HEIGHT: Sulz WEIGHT: эю 


BIRTH DATE:LO-\9 = lelo BIRTHPLACE: Ama. MANTO ERIT 


AMBITIONS: LL Wont „Де sum 


ERST e Rune werk, к ee Co ped. 

TURN-OFFS: id har, Toen Ha 

amd O^ und A 

FAVORITE BOOKS: Ihe lla Paca, Bartlett's 
Pomian, Quolationr, oM Acienee beto 

o pasamos Mato Darin, Big : Ma. Mia 


FAVORITE SPORTS: Ober C emt 


IDEAL MAN: Kuowa how ho douce uud gut 
Ond Keeps А fen Miuns Jun X. 


SECRET FANTASY: Lo ome dex wn a bhoot. 


A 
EA yem Me дод eu AmA IIT 


SDSU besutigul, mom yx- 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


One-upmanship was the name of the game at a 
recent college faculty dinner party, and honesty 
was not necessary to win. 

“Asia was by lar my favorite destination,” the 
woman told her tablemate, though she had never 
been out of the United States. “Enigmatic and 
magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of 
course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.” 

“What about the pagodas? Did you see 
them?” 

“Did I see them?” She paused to sip her wine. 
“My dear, 1 had dinner with them.” 


A Hollywood gossip columnist reports hearing 
this exchange between two aging rival stars at 
the Academy Awards: “You know, honey,” the 
first boasted, “Lloyd's once insured my breasts 
for six million dollars.” : 

“Really?” drawled the other. “What did you 
do with the money?” 


The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that 
had begun in a diner threatened to burn down 
the entire shopping district. Just then, a truck 
filled with farm workers came speeding down a 
hill toward the fire. The crowd moved back and 
the truck drove into the flames. The workers 
jumped out and beat at the fire with their 
coats— miraculously bringing it under control. 

The city fathers were so grateful for the men's 
heroism that they gave each a plaque and $1000. 
After the ceremony, a newsman interviewed the 
driver and asked him what he was going to do 
with the money. 

“You can be dang sure the first thing I'm 
gonna do,” he replied, “is get the brakes fixed on 
that son-of-a-bitchin’ truck.” 


You know the romance is over when you ask 
your girlfriend to slip into something more com- 
fortable and she sits down in your La-Z-Boy 


A visitor was being shown around the farm- 
house. “Built this place with my own hands—the 
hard way,” the farmer boasted. “See the floor? 
Didn't use no nails; whole thing is dovetailed. 
The hard way, don't you know. Sec the ceiling? 
Didn’t use no columns; hangs from a flying 
beam.” 

Just then, the farmer’s striking daughter 
walked into the room. The visitor arched his eye- 
brow quizzically at his host. 

“Yup,” the farmer said. ‘Standing up in a 
canoe.” 


A sky diver and his instructor peered down at 
the fields 15,000 feet below. “There's nothing to 
worry about,” the instructor said. “You jump, 
count to 100 and pull your ripcord. If that 
doesn’t work, pull your reserve. There'll be a 
truck down there to pick you up.” 

The sky diver КОККЕ ГА lunged into 
the blue. After free-falling, he КОК his rip- 
cord. Nothing. He pulled his reserve. A few cob- 
webs drifted out. 

“Shit,” he said, shaking his head. “I'll bet that 
goddamn truck’s not down there, either.” 


The madam answered a knock at the door. 
“Evenin’, ma'am,” the man said. “I’m looking 
for a good time. Only thing is, Pm a union man. 
Is this a union house?” 

The madam laughed and sent him on his way 
Stopping at a house farther down the road, he 
asked the same question and got the same 
response. 

Word quickly spread of the man’s peculiar 
request. Lhe proprietor of the third house was 
ready for him. “Hi, sugar,” she said. “You look- 
ing for a union house?” 

“You bet,” he replied, looking over several 
tempting ladies. “How about that redhead?” 

“No, Pm sorry. That one there,” she said, 
pointing toward a woman in her 70s, “will be 
your companion tonight.” 

“Why do I get stuck with the old lady?” the 
outraged man asked. 

“Because she has seniority.” 


walked into his office one morning with a thick 
folder and a legal pad. After discussing a number 
of legislative issues, the woman asked, “What 
should we do about the abortion bil 

“Well,” he replied, “I suppose we ought to 


pay it.” 


The customer asked the pharmacist for a con- 
dom. “I can give you а box of three,” the phar- 
macist replied 

The man paid for the box, took one condom 
out and handed the remainder back to the phar- 
macist, “I only want one,” he said. “I’m trying 
to quit.” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ill. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“See if I got this straight— we’re just an average couple. You're 
home from a hard day at the office, Гое put the kids to bed and 
we decide to have sex, right?” 


MY Two ASSISTANTS and I had just 
returned from a three-hour lunch 
at Riccardo's, celebrating the 
wrap-up of an ad campaign that 
we had designed and produced 
under a crunching schedule. The 
legendary Dr. D. L. Henry, our 
agency's biggest client, was wait- 
ing for us when we got back. 

We found him in the large con- 
ference room, the one we called 
the cathedral. He was at the head 


of the table and, as we entered the _ 


room, he looked us over pretty 
good. I could tell he was about to 
drop something major on us. 

We pulled out chairs and sat. I 
was closest to Doc Henry, on his 
right. Barbara settled into a chair 
across from Doc, where 1 could 
see her. Nice view. If she weren't 
such a good art director, she prob- 
ably could make it Ыр as a model. 
Blonde hair, long and loose. Big 
green eyes. High cheekbones, 
great lips. 

Next to Barbara sat Richard. 
Richard looks like a youngish 
headmaster at a boys’ school in 
England. He’s our walking data 
bank, copy editor and producer. 

The three of us make an un- 


THE LITTLE 


BLUE 
PILL 


pop one 
and get the feeling 


fiction 


By MICHAEL LUBOW 


beatable combination. I’m the idea 
man and group leader. Barbara's 
the artist. Richard checks all 
facts, keeps us on track and gets 
the stuff produced. And Doc 
Henry is the overbearing hero 
of American business who controls 
the largest ad budget in the coun- 
try. He began to talk. 

“I have here the 
memories.” 

He smiled and opened his hand. 
Nestled in his palm was a small 
blue pill with a tiny number 
embossed on its smooth surface. 
“And I mean that literally.” 

Doc leaned forward, his face 
well over the shiny black-marble 
conference table, making a perfect 
upside-down reflection. I looked at 
the two Doc Henrys, one smiling 
at me, one underneath, frowning. 

He fired a strange question at 
me. 

“Les, remember how it felt to 
play center in an N.B.A. champi- 
onship game? To score the win- 
ning shot and walk off the court 
with millions of fans screaming 
your name? Of course not. You 
never played pro basketball. But 
what if | (continued on page 118) 


stuff of 


1 


гот 


canned soup їо frozen pizza, 


here’s how to perk up 


punk food 


By HERBERT B. LIVESEY 


so IT was one of those days. Fill in 
the blanks. And the last thing you 
want to do is go home and join the 
designer-food grazing circuit. Yet, 
you have to eat, and even if you lack 
the time and inclination to play 
Julia Child, that doesn’t mean you 
have to settle for baloney on a bun. 
By all means, open a can or defrost 
a package. But fast and good aren’t 
mutually exclusive. A few extra 
minutes—even seconds—can trans- 
form the most pedestrian packaged 
food or leftovers into a meal that 
arouses even the weariest taste 
buds. 

Poke through your spice cabinet. 
A pinch of dried hot-pepper flakes 
perks up spaghetti or broccoli. A 
few drops of Tabasco or Louisiana 
Hot Sauce fires up soups and stews. 
One innocent jalapeno pepper 
braces a bottled Mexican-style 
table salsa or a can of tuna. And 


curry powder does wonders in 
yogurt or cream poured over 
chicken or lamb. Paprika isn’t just a 
tasteless decorative garnish on deli 
salads. It also comes in a zesty, hot 
Hungarian version perfect for stews. 
What follows are some delectable 
spiced-up, speedy concoctions, 
none of which takes more than 30 
minutes from cupboard or fridge to 
plate. 


‘ZAPPED PIZZA 


There's a supermarket pizza in 
the freezer, right? Turn up the oven 
to 425°. It has to be very hot. 
Remove all wrappings from the 
pizza. Drizzle a little olive oil over it 
and sprinkle it with garlic powder, a 
few hot-pepper flakes and oregano. 
Add whatever else you have on 
hand that suits your taste: sliced 
onions, sweet peppers, olives, sau- 
sage, ham or anchovies. How about 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD 1201 


smoked oysters from the Christmas 
gift package? Or asparagus tips. Or 
Pincapple chunks. Who's to know? 
Slip the pizza into the oven, directly 
on the rack. If you use a cookie 
sheet or a baking dish, the crust 
won't be as crisp. Cook according to 
package directions, usually about 
ten minutes. 


SKILLET CHILI 


Authentic this isn't; but it doesn’t 
take all day, either. Heat oil in a 
large skille. Add one chopped 
onion and one small diced bell pep- 
per. Cook and stir until soft, then 
remove to a bowl and reserve. 
Break up a pound or so of ground 
beef into the skillet. Cook, stirring 
and chopping with the side of a 
spoon, until lightly browned. Pour 
off fat. Sprinkle with salt and pep- 
per. Return onions and peppers to 
skillet. Add (concluded on page 147) 


TH CAN GALLEY 


= 
e 
— slop wang chunging and read this— your 1987 music-poll results 
E 
al 
Es 


called it this year. Here are some additional 
achievements, just for the record. 

Best deal on CD: Motown’s twofers, two 
classic LPs for the price of a single-LP CD. Best 
American-Afro LP: Paul Simon’s Graceland. Best 
Afro-African LP: The Inde- 
structible Beat of Soweto. Best 981и: 5150/ va mean 
Afro-American LP: Raising Hell, by Run- 
D.M.C. Classiest trend: Reissues of great jazz 
classics on Blue Note, CTI and other labels. Most 
overworked adjective: outrageous. Lionel Richie, 
j take note. Best reason for [== 
mumsroewcmuxs — breaking up: East Bay Ray left 
The Dead Kennedys because of “the oppressive and 
intolerant atmosphere rotting the hard-core punk 
movement from within.” Most unconventional 
wisdom: Mercury's aggressive marketing of blues 
genius Robert Cray. Firstest 
female: Aretha Franklin was "M21 Mapt Tm fier jim 
| the first woman named to the Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of 
Fame. Best tearjerker: At This Moment, by Billy 
Vera & the Beaters. Best quote: “If I had to start 
all over again today, it would be a lot tougher— 
now it’s all image and leather underwear” (Bonnie 
Raitt). For readers’ choices, read on. 


r- HE NEXT FIVE pages indicate how our readers || 


BEST COUNTRY LP: Guitars, Cadillacs, Fic., 
Hic. / Dwight Yeakam 


\ 


> a 
HALL OF FAME: TINA TURNER 


You can call Tina Turner 
a lot of things: rock-n'- 
roller; soul or ballad 
singer; dancer; actress; 
the consummate sexy 
woman, with the greatest 
legs working a stage in 
either hemisphere; and 
our favorite authority 
figure—because when 
Tina sang “You better be 


good to me,” our obedient 
readers responded, to our 
great delight, by electing 
her to the Hall of Fame. 


“We never, ever do 
nothin’ nice and easy,” said 
Tina in her introduction 
to Proud Mary. And that 
was true—the marriage 
had shattered both parties 
professionally by the 
time it ended. Then Tina 
set out to establish a solo 


E 1 


career that has yielded 
multiple Grammy awards, 
memorable movie appear- 
ances in Tommy and Mad 
Max Beyond Thunder- 
dome and album sales 
exceeding 10,000,000 
units. A talent such as 
Turner doesn’t rock onto 
the main stage every day. 
Congratulations to Tina. 
And to our readers for 
picking a real winner. 


HERBIE HANCOCK 


MALE VOCALIST— POP / ROCK: 
PHIL COLLINS 


шз 
‘R&B: 
4 El OE BARGE 


FEMALE VOCALIST—POP / ROCK: 
WHITNEY HOUSTON 


FEMALE VOCALIST—RBB: 
PATTI LA BELLE 


INSTRUMENTALIST—POP / ROCK: 
EDWARD VAN HALEN 


FEMALE VOCALIST— JAZZ: 
JEAN CARNE 


MALE VOCALIST— JAZZ: 
JOE WILLIAMS 


TNSTRUMENTALIST— JAZZ: 
MILES DAVIS 


: ki 
MALE VOCALIST — COUNTRY: 
KENNY ROGERS 


БИШР—4АП: 
WORLD SAX QUARTET 


INSTRUMENTALIST— COUNTRY: 
ROY CLARK 


FEMALE VOCALIST—COUNTRY: 
DOLLY PARTON 


CHARITY CONCERT 
EVENT 


Amnesty International 
Conspiracy of Hope benefit 
tour. The biggest event of 
the year, marked by reunion 
performances of The Police, 
plus shows by U2, Peter 
Gabriel, Little Steven Van 
Zandt, Miles Davis, Lou 
Reed, Bryan Adams and 
others. A question: Why did 
all the women except Joan 
Baez stay home? 


‘Janet Jackson 


NEW ARTIST 


The Outfield. А big 
year for Simply Red and 
Anita Baker, but the win- 
ners are tough boys from 
London’s 
East 
End who 
not only 
revere 
Journey 
and Foreigner but pay 
them homage оп their 
debut LP, Play Deep, 
which made it to number 
ten in Billboard. 


COMEBACK ARTIST 


James Brown. If 
there were no James 
Brown, God would 
have to invent him. 


LIVE 
RECORDING 

Pack Up the Plan- 
tation, by Tom Petty 
and the Heart- 
breakers. Here’s the 
LP that would have 
won all the other 
polls if their ballot- 
ing had preceded 
the release of 
Springsteen's five- 
record live set, as 
ours did. A real 
heartbreaker 
Tom, we're sure. 


WAY TO HEAR 
RECORDED 
MUSIC 


for 


CD. A rap on the 
knuckles to those 
readers who wrote 
in "stoned;" "drunk" 
and “during sex.” 


TELEVISION SHOW 
BANDLEADER 


Paul Shaffer of Late Night 
with David Letterman. The 
field was thick—Doc Sev- 
erinsen for traditionalists, 
Mark Hudson for Joan Riv- 
ers, Billy Preston for David 
Brenner. But only one 
bandstander stood out— 
the man who penned Ber- 
muda, a really beautiful 
entertainer in his own right, 
and we mean that sincerely. 
Congratulations, Paul. 


PERFORMANCE BY A 
MUSICIAN IN A TV 
COMMERCIAL 


Glenn Frey for Pepsi. 
Glenn picked up a cool mil- 
lion for his dimly lit appear- 
ance as himself with some 
dude from Miami 


LIVE ACT 


Van Halen. Last year, we 
asked. if Sammy Нада. 
could fill David Lee Roth's 
rhinestone-studded Lycra 
jump suit. This year, you 
said yes. 


ROCK SONG 
Robert Palmer's Ad- 
dicted to Love. 


MUSIC VIDEO 
Sledgehammer. With 
more videos this good, 
MTV wouldn't have ratings 
problems. Utilizing stop- 
frame animation, director 
Steven Johnson depicted 
Peter Gabriel in assorted 
media, including ice, clay 
and vegetables. Plus many 
extras, including plucked 
chicken carcasses dancing, 
actual sperm swimming and 
sledge hammers hammer- 
ing. That’s entertainment! 


FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS 
GUEST HOST 


€ 
Jay Leno. This 


sinks or swims on the per- 
sonality of the host. David 
Lee Roth was pretty funny, 
but who would you rather 
have in your living room? 


show 


JAIL 
COMPOSITION 


The Sweetest 
Taboo. Written by 
Helen Adu and 
Martin Ditchan, 
performed by 
Sade. 


вав SONG 

Walk This Way. 
Written by Steve 
Tyler and Joc Per- 
ry, performed by 
Run-D.M.C. 


COUNTRY SONG 

Honky Tonk 
Man. Written by 
Howard Hausey, 
Tillman Franks 
and Johnny Hor- 
ton and per 
formed by Dwight 
Yoakam. 


Addicted to Love. 
By Robert Palmer. 
Great song, but 
we wonder what 
our readers do 
whilc driving. 


Top Gun. Ri- 
valed by Stand By 
Me, Pretty in Pink 
and Ruthless Peo- 
ple, music to fiy 
jets by wacked as 
well here as on the 
Billboard chart, 
where it had 
appeared 30 weeks 
in a row by the 
end of the year 


ALBUM COVER 

Eat 'Em and 
Smile, by David 
Lee Roth, or for 
Latinos, Sonrisa 
Salvaje 


MAKE-OUT 
SONG: 

Take My Breath Away. By 
Berlin. Making out to a 
track from Top Gun? Hold 
your breath and think of 


Kelly McGillis. 


Robert Palmer 


Madonna 


20 HOT TIPS 


what to watch for 


1. Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis will pro- 
duce a hit record for Nona Hendryx. 

2. Somebody else in the Jackson family 
will release an LP. 

3. Cyndi, Sting and Madonna will 
return to their natural hair colors, 

4. Sheila Escovedo, premiering аз 
Prince's drummer, will help make him the 
number-one 1987 live act to catch 

5. Paul Brady, songwriter of Tina’s hits, 
will become a solo success. 

6. Ditto Patty Smyth. 

7. Watch Dalbello, the new chanteuse in 
s manager, Roger Da 


9. Look for Gold Castle Records, the 
quality label dedicated to old folkies. 

10. Politics and rock will come back 
Billy Bragg. Little Steven, U2. 

11. The hot country boy: Vince Gill, 

12. Whitney Houston will avoid the tra- 
ditional sophomore slump. 

13. Expect more motion-sickness videos 
such as Huey Lewis’ Hip to Be Square. 

14. Georgia Satellites may become the 
most successful bar-and-boogie band ever. 

15. Ruben Blades will arrive with his 
role in Robert Redford's Milagro Beanfield 
War, collaborations with Bob Dylan and 
Elvis Costello and an LP based on the 
writings of Gabriel Garcia Márquez. 

16. Look for Spike Lee’s music videos 

17. Anita Baker will win diva status. 

18. Capricorn Records, the long- 
defunct label of the Allmans and Marshall 
Tucker. will rise again with its former 
prez, Phil Walden, at the helm 

19. Read The Death of Rhythm @ Blues, 
Nelson George’s book about black cross- 
over, plus Charles М. Young's Blowin’ 
Chunks: The Incompleat History of Punk 
Rock and Other Stuff and Glory Day's, a 
new volume on Bruce Springsteen by 
Daye Marsh 

20. Springsteen will drop out of sight to. 
avoid the embarrassment of simultancous 
Presidential drafts by both major parties. 


PLAYBOY 


118 


BLU E Pl LL (continued from page 109) 


“What this pill does is give you someone else’s 


memory—a memory you'd pay to have. 


эээ 


you could remember how it felt to stuff 
that winning basket? To remember the 
smell of your good old locker room, the 
liniment and sweat? The feel of your silky 
uniform?” 

He sat back, grinning. Then he held out 
that little blue pill. With his other hand, 
he pinched it between his thumb and a 
stubby forefinger, picked it up and moved 
it in a slow half circle toward us. Then he 
popped it into his mouth and swallowed. 

This is high drama in the ad business, 
friends. 

“My company’s neuroendocrinology 
people have been developing pills for some 
time now that can give you the memory ofa 
particular experience. Not ап illusory 
experience—we're not talking about a 
psychedelic or narcotic here. What it sim- 
ply does is give you someone else's mem- 
ory—a memory you'd pay to have.” 

Doc burped. 

“Take that basketball example. We got 
atopN.B.A. center to lie back and remem- 
ber his biggest moment. Paid him almost 
as much that day as he makes all year. But 
it was worth it. Our lab guys wired him up 
real good. Even tapped into his spinal flu- 
ids. And when his memory was going 
strong, our computers got its formula. It’s 
just a chemical. Hell, we can make it by 
the barrel. And that was just the start.” 

From his pocket, he tossed another little 
blue pill onto the table. It bounced and 
spun and settled there on the glossy-mar- 
ble surface. Below it was a sharp, clear- 
blue reflection of itself. We all stared at it. 

“We've got twenty-five memories in 
production right now. We'll have a hun- 
dred by next year. Good memories: exotic 
cities, mountaintops, jungles, space 
flights. We've got loye memories and sex 
memories. We've got all kinds of sports 
memories: basketball, baseball, football, 
gymnastics, you name it, The product’s 
perfect. You three are the best creative 
team this agency’s got. Dream up a way to 
sell this stuff,” 

. 

One thing every ad person knows is that 
in order to find the magic selling idea 
that’s waiting to be discovered in every 
new product, you have to test the product 
yourself. 

The next morning, Barbara and Rich- 
ard were in my office. On my desk were 20 
envelopes. Each one contained a single lit- 
tle blue pill. On the outside of every 
envelope, there was а label with a memory 
description numbered to match the num- 
ber on the pill inside. 

“Well, guys,” I said, "lets pick a 


memory and see how this idea of Doc's 
really works.” 

Richard reached for a sex experience 
with the French movie star Tasha Trieste. 
Barbara, always full of surprises, decided 
to take the basketball player’s memory. I 
selected Four-Day Vacation in Venice. 

We tossed our pills back, swallowed and 
looked at one another. І said, "We can 
break now. Let's work separately for a 
while. Then we'll get back together and go 
over some ideas.” 

"They left without a word. 

Alone in my office, I didn't feel like 
working. I spun my big chair around so I 
could look out the window. I put my feet 
on the ledge and sat back. Nothing yet. 

1 began to daydream. The idea of vaca- 
tions got me thinking about my last great 
trip. What а place that had been. 

The buildings were weathered from 
1000 years of sea mist and looked all the 
more beautiful for it. You traveled on nar- 
row stone walkways or moody green 
canals. 

I remembered searching through end- 
less back alleys for Marco Polo’s house. I 
went under stained arches and through 
dark courtyards and finally, as it was get- 
ting dark, 1 found it. QUI FURONO LE CASE DI 
MARCO POLO . . . the old plaque had said. 
Here were the houses of Marco Polo. 

But my sense of accomplishment soon 
faded. I realized I was totally lost. I tried 
to find my way back to the one spot I 
knew, the Rialto Bridge, but those twist- 
ing alleyways were a maze. The more I 
walked, the more lost I got. 1 shivered, 
remembering that feeling. I shivered more 
when I realized Га never been anyplace 
like that. 

The pill, of course. I put my feet down 
and swung my chair around. The hair on 
the back of my neck was standing up. I 
hadn't felt this uneasy since that time I got 
fost in Venice. 

А knock at my door snapped me back to 
reality. Barbara walked in, obviously in 
high spirits. 

“Les, I can’t believe it. I can remember 
everything. What a game. I could 
practically fly! My arms scemed like they 
werea mile long. I was beautiful!” She got 
a mischieyous look in her green eyes. 

Now, Pve got to explain how I felt 
about Barbara. It’s simple. I thought she 
was the most beautiful woman on earth. 
She was a walking butterscotch sundae. 

So what if I was married to a woman 
whose jealousy was exceeded only by her 
hot temper? So what if my wife's father 


and her two enormous brothers hung out 
with blue-jawed gentlemen who occasion- 
ally took unlucky associates of theirs for 
one-way rides in cars known for their 
trunk size? So what? So plenty! 

Again, I felt the hairs on my neck bris- 
Че. Better be careful—keep it strictly 
business between me and Barbara. But 
that smile was getting hard to ignore. 

“Les, I remember taking a shower with 
the guys on the team.” She looked straight 
at me. “It was fabulous.” 

“Barbara, don’t you like being a girl? 
You're so good at it.” 

She turned to leave my office and, witha 
tilt of her head, said over her shoulder, 
“Hey, I don't want to be a guy. I just liked 
showering with them. You know?” 

And she was gone. There I was, stand- 
ing in my office, extremely turned on by 
Barbara. And my father-in-law and my 
brothers-in-law hate me a: My wife's 
not too wild about me, either, come to 
think of it. And she loves revenge more 
than she loves anything. 

Better just concentrate on getting the 


ads done. 


. 
The meeting we had later ıhat day 
began slowly. Barbara's thoughts were 
still on the shower, no doubt, and Richard 
was not entirely with me, cither. Нс was 
quiet about it, but [ was pretty sure his 
thoughts were on Tasha Trieste. Tasha, 
bless her, was only 19. Who could blame 
him for finding it hard to concentrate? 

But we had to get the ads done, so 1 
forged ahead. 

I started by suggesting a possible name 
for the product. 

“Let's not get gimmicky. The product is 
too good. Maybe all we need to do is just 
say what itis: a pill thát gives you memo- 
ries. Should the name have the word 
memories in it?” 

They shrugged. 

I went on. “Should it have the word pill 
in i?” 

I knew this would bring Richard back 
to reality. 

“No,” 
medicine.” 

I said, “So we wouldn’t want to call it 
The Memory Pill, would we?" 

“That sounds like you take it if you've 
got trouble remembering things,” Barbara 
said. “Know what I mean?” 

She was right, of course, and Richard 
and I agreed. 

We went around on the name issue for a 
while. Barbara thought we should just call 
it Memories, a one-word name that she 
said would look good on the package. 

She had a sketch pad on her lap, and 
she roughed it out for us with her marker. 
It was а nice design, but I felt we were 
missing something. Something was nag- 
ging at the back of my mind—something 

(continued on page 144) 


he said. “Pill sounds like 


im 
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"Yeah? Well, I think wearing skins of slaughtered animals is disgusting.” 


120 


RE 


eres 825000; Pm giving you a 

choice. You may invest it in a 

musical comedy about four dead 

nuns, in Iowa farmland described 

as consisting of “poorly and very 
poorly drained soils" or in a real-estate 
partnership consisting of three apartment 
complexes and two motels. 

Take your time. Twenty-five thousand 
dollars is a lot of money. Which do you go 
for—the dead nuns, the poor soil or the 
motels? 

Ah. I knew you’d say that. 

Well, the answer is no. You can’t just 
take the cash. I know you. It would be 
gone before you could say 380SL. I want 
you to invest this money. And, no, you 
can’t just spread it over all three choices. 
Great fortunes are not built by hedging 
bets. They are built by the bold stroke— 
that special insight that allows one to dis- 
tinguish the nuns from the mud from the 
motels. 

Being a bit of a wuss myself and pos- 
sessed of no such special insight, I put a 
little something into each. But Pm giving 
you the $25,000, so I get to set the rules. 
Choose, Charley: dead nuns, poor soil or 
the partnership. 

1 guess you need a 
information. 

The play about the nuns is called 
Nunsense. The music is terrific, the lyrics 
are tasteless and sophomoric but ulti- 
mately pro-nun, and the plot— well, brief- 
ly, this is the story of the Little Sisters of 
Hoboken, 19 of whom were out playing 
Bingo when Sister Julia, child of God, 
served tainted vichyssoise to the rest. The 
19 return to find their 52 sisters face down 
in the soup (let me say again: The show is, 
at heart, pro-nun), whereupon they bury 
48 of them (all of this off stage, to keep the 
cast down to five sisters and a band), and 
the remaining four—well, there was much 
sentiment for burying them, too, but funds 
were scarce and Mother Superior decided 
to put them in the freezer and buy a 
Betamax for the convent instead. 

As the play opens, the New Jerscy 
Board of Health has threatened to shut 
down the convent if the sisters don’t get 


little тоге 


article 


By ANDREW TOBIAS 


ALDEALS 


“Great fortunes 
are not built by 
hedging bets. They 
are built by the 
bold stroke—that 


special insight 
that allows one to 

distinguish the 
nuns from the mud 
from the motels.” 


those four blue nuns out of the freezer and 
into the ground by tomorrow morning. So 
the sisters have, in desperation, thrown 
together a little talent show to raise the 
needed funds. 

In short, your basic nun-poisons-nun, 
nun-buries-nun musical comedy. 

The farmland is in western Iowa. It’s 
flat—no problem with its washing down 
the hill onto someone else’s farm—but its 
soil is not like that rich brown earth on 
sale in sacks at Sears. It's more like the 
surface of a clay tennis court. Of course, as 
any tennis buff knows, vegetation can 
grow through clay if not properly discour- 
aged. Encouraged, it can grow as high as 
an elephant’s eye. 

This particular land can produce 100 
bushels of corn per acre (not 100 bushels 
of ears, І was amazed to learn—100 bush- 
els of just the little yellow kemels them- 


selves) unless, because of its very poor 
drainage, showers have turned it into a 
lake during what would otherwise be the 
relatively brief opportunities for planting 
and harvesting or drought has turned it 
into a desert during the growing months in 
between. 

The real-estate partnership includes 
five separate, existing, attractive operating, 
properties in Virginia Beach, Sacramen- 
to, Fort Lauderdale, Indianapolis and 
Tomball, Texas. Unlike the nuns and the 
farm—tiny, private offerings—this is a 
multimillion-dollar partnership put to- 
gether by a large real-estate syndicator. 

(A real-estate syndicator arranges to 
buy property jointly with a bunch of den- 
lists and airline pilots. The syndicator, or 
general partner, puts together the deal; 
the dentists and the airline pilots [limited 
partners] put up the money. Whatever 
profit or loss the property generates, after 
certain fees to the general partner, gets 
passed through to the limited partners. If 
it appreciates, the partnership may either 
sell it, with the investors taxed on the 
gain, or take out a bigger mortgage, with 
the investors sharing, tax-free, the extra 
$5,000,000, say, borrowed against it) 

In this deal, the syndicator guarantees 
distributions to the limited partners of at 
least six percent (shielded from tax by 
depreciation) in the second through the 
fourth years of the deal, even if the reve- 
nues from the three apartment complexes 
and the two motels lag behind their pro- 
jections. Projections call for considerably 
higher returns thereafter. 

So now are you ready to choose? Yes, 
you are. You have long since figured out 
that this must be a trick question, so the 
solution is simply to pick the worst possi- 
ble investment. A lot of us—perhaps feel- 
ing that life itself is something of a trick 
question—seem to choose our invest- 
ments in very much the same way. (Surely 
you know someone who has proclaimed 
that from now on he'll beat the market 
simply by deciding whether a stock should 
be bought or sold and then, because he’s 
invariably wrong, doing the opposite.) 

But in order to beat this wick question 


competently—if it is a trick question, and 
I didn’t say that it was, just that you'd 
concluded it must be—you have to decide 
which of the three is the worst investment, 
and for that you need more information. 

Did I mention, for example, that the 
“large real-estate syndicator” guarantee- 
ing six percent minimum distributions 
(and whose name I’m sure you noticed I 
did not reveal, to make you smell a rat) is 
actually a well-regarded, highly profitable 
New York Stock Exchange-listed firm? 
‘The guaranteed distribution checks have 
been arriving quarterly, like clockwork. 

Did I mention that the bricklike lowa 
soil comes with a water well and a gigantic 
Pivot sprinkler, unlike anything you have 
ever seen on your lawn or any other? (Ir 
looks like the world’s tallest crane, keeled 
over on its side, with a well at its base and 
big rubber wheels at intervals for support 
as it imperceptibly describes a lush, wet 
circle around the parched farm, except for 
the corners, on which you could bake 
bread.) This enormous piece of machinery 
(if it works) helps ensure that, drought or 
no, in most years we'll get our 90 or 100 
bushels per acre. Eighty, anyway. 

Did I mention that this land sells for 
just $500 an acre, compared with the 
$1200 to $1500 it fetched just a few years 
ago, when inflation raged and farmland 
was hot? 

You should also know that the U.S. is 
swimming in corn; that this land is not 
suitable for raising aspartame, aloe or arti- 
chokes; that com prices fell to less than 
one dollar last year for the first time since 
1953 (so at 100 bushels an acre, you’re 
talking $100 an acre in revenue, less 
maybe $75 an acre in seed and fertilizer, 
for a net profit—before the cost of labor or 
of equipment or of the land itself—of $25 
an acre); and that your tax dollars effec- 
tively kick in another dollar or more per 
bushel in Government subsidies, bringing 
the true revenue per bushel up closer to 
$2.50 (and the “profit” per $500 acre to 
more like $175 in a good year), except that 
there’s no telling how long Uncle Sam can 
continue these mind-boggling subsidies. 

Oh, yes. Will Rogers said, “Buy land; 


a pop quiz 
to test your 
investment skills 


they’re not making any more of it,” And 
we've all seen Gone with the Wind. 

As for the nuns, did I mention that, as 
investors in the original off-Broadway 
play, we would be entitled to a small piece 
of all ancillary rights, such as movie 
rights, sitcom rights (The Flyng Nun's 
been done, but never a sitcom about dead 
nuns), recording rights and royalties on 
out-oftown productions? Did I mention 
that virtually all New York theatricals, 
whether on Broadway or off, lose their 
backers’ money? I’ve invested in sev- 
eral—a Mike Nichols-directed award 
winner, a show by the author of A Chorus 
Line, a musical about the first woman ever 
to run for President, to name three—and 
to date have gotten back, in total, $146. 
Even the big hits that run a year or more 
often fail to return their backers’ money, 
let alone a profit 


Now are you ready to choose? 

1 grant you there's a lot more you need 
to know, but that’s always true. And even 
if you knew it—if you read the 200-page 
real-estate prospectus, with descriptions 
of and computerized projections for the 
three apartment complexes and two 
motels; if you went out to lowa and kicked 
the tires of the pivot irrigator and boned 
up on U.S. farm policy; if you read the 
Nunsense script and saw the sisters sing 
and dance—there would still be more you 
had to know. Are the people you’re relying 
on honest? Have they been realistic in 
their projections? Will we have inflation or 
deflation? Will the demand for corn sweet- 
eners surge? Do Catholics have a sense of 
humor? (Is the Pope Catholic?) And, as 
always, if this deal is so good, how come 
they’re offering it to us? 

So this is it, Seriously. Write your 
choicehere, inink, 3 
and then read on to find out how, as of this 
writing, these deals are working out. 

1 bought the farm last year, because it 
was about as bad a time to own farmland 
as anyone could remember. This doesn't 
mean that by the time you read this, 
things won't be worse (buy more!); but 
when loads of people want to sell and 
almost nobody wants to buy, that's some- 
times a sign of a bottom. After all, food is 
always likely to be worth something, and 
without farmland, it’s hard to grow. 

І was struck by the fact that for the 
same money, one could buy either a single 
condo parking space in Boston’s Beacon 
Hill garage or a 120-acre farm. Somehow, 
I felt that the farm might be more produc- 
tive in the long run—never mind the fact 
that within two miles of Beacon Hill it is 
truly impossible to find a place to park. 

When the massive Government farm 
subsidies erode, as it seems inevitable and 
not unreasonable that they will, only the 
more economical farms will survive. The 
marginal land, presumably, will go 
out of production. Prime farmland in 
the Midwest these days runs more to 
$1200 (down (continued on page 148) 


121 


HERE COMES 


CASANOVA 


richard chamberlain has a ball as the tv incarnation of history’ greatest lover 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


IACOMO CASANOVA was 73 when he died—a ripe old age 
as 18th Century life expectancies went. But even by 
the standards of that bawdy era, this mercurial priest, 
soldier, alchemist, gambler, violinist, escape artist, 
confidence man, royal-lottery director and holder of 
papal dispensations was a legendary cocksman. Per- 
fect stuff for the movies—and Casanova has, in fact, been played 
on screen by, among others, Tony Curtis, Donald Sutherland 
and (!) Bob Hope. Now he's being resurrected again—for 
TV, with Richard Chamberlain, king of the miniseries, starring. 


Two things were irresistible to Casanova: women and gam- 
bling. Both temptations are present in the casino scene above. 
Opposite, top lefi, our hero with the love of his life, Henriette 
(Ornella Muti). At top right are Faye Dunaway as Madame 
d'Urfé (described by Casanova as a “divine madwoman” and 
by biographer John Masters as “one of the great nuts of all 
time”) and her “nieces,” Gilda Germano and Aitana Sanchez 
Gijon. At bottom, Chamberlain and Dunaway share the bub- 
bly; and at center, an overflow is ignored at the gaming table. 


hamberlain has buckled his swash before: on screen, 
in The Three Musketeers and, on TV, in Shogun. But 
Casanova was different. “They just don’t grow his 
kind of characters anymore,” he told Time. And get- 
ting there was twice the fun: His love scenes were 
shot clothed for American audiences and, again, bare 
for European ones; it's the export version that you see here. 


Several of the aspiring actresses on these pages appear in 
"Casanova's" colorful casino scene. Among them: Sean 
Fletcher (above left) and Analia Ivars Salcedo (above right). 
Tina Kreher (with Chamberlain below) plays a bedmate 
knoum—guess why?—as Brunette, while Gilda Germano 
(opposite) is billed as Madame d'Urfés niece Angelique. 


Ithough many events of Casanova's life are doc- 
umented, the best source remains his memoirs, 
which themselves have an odd history. Casanova died 
in 1798, but his memoirs weren't published until 
1828, and then in an execrably expurgated edition. 
Having survived the Napoleonic Wars and a 
World War Two bombing, the original manuscript surfaced in 1960. 


Casanova's autobiography filled 12 volumes; who better to 
compress all that color into three hours than “Flashman” nov- 
els’ creator George MacDonald Fraser? The film, directed by 
Simon Langton, glitters with established stars and is graced 
by such newcomers as Noélle Balfour (opposite) and 
Inka Maushake (above and cavorting with Casanova below). 


Lee 


BC-TV'slavish three-hour version, scheduled toair 
March first, was filmed on location in Spain and 
Кају. It focuses on a mere 18 of Casanova's chron- 
icled romances and features, besides the beauties 
displayed on these pages, Hanna Schygulla as 
Casanova's mother and Sylvia Kristel and Janis 


Burns as 


two of his more memorable conquests. 


If the beauty dallying with Chamberlain here (and seen to bet- 
ter advantage on the opposite page) looks familiar, she should: 
It's our very own Miss March, Marina Baker. The young 
British actress plays the mistress of the voyeuristic diplomat 
De Bernis, who's naturally behind the scenes watching the 
action below. Above: Nadine Sapena, one of the casino patrons. 


PLAYBOY 


130 


PLAYING SOLDIER — (continued from page 90) 


“Being a mercenary is not a reasonable way to make 


money—you could do better managing a Burger Chef. 


» 


Above him was a photo of a Vietnamese 
Ranger crossing a paddy, holding a sev- 
ered human head by the hair. Yeah, I 
thought, this is, indeed, the place. 

T stepped into Bob's office, the Moon 
Room, and there he was in bush hat, cam- 
ouflage shorts and running shoes, with 
ugly hairy legs propped on the desk and a 
T-shirt that said HAPPINESS Is A CONFIRMED 
KILL. A pair of H&K 91s—wicked West 
German rifles—leaned against the wall 
with night sights on them. 

“Fred! How the fuck are you?” he bel- 
lowed, his only way of talking. Bob is 
deaf—artillery ears—and seems to figure 
that since he can't hear himself, nobody 
else can, either. Actually, when he talks in 
his normal voice, people in Los Angeles 
can hear him. He is also so absent-minded 
that he is lucky to remember who he is. 
(This brings out the maternal instinct in 
women. As a staffer put it, “I never know 
whether to salute him or to burp him.") 

“Sit down. Listen, I want you to brief 
те about some things in Washington.” He 
didn't talk so much as bark. “This is close- 
hold, real sensitive, but we’ve got some 
stuff out of Afghanistan that’s going to 
blow . . . Washington . . . open.” 

“Sounds good," I said, always willing 
to blow Washington open. 

The "stuff out of Afghanistan" lay on 
his desk: shattered instrumentation from а 
Soviet MI-24 helicopter gunship downed, 
if memory serves, by Hassan Gailani's 
men and smuggled out through the Khy- 
ber Pass into Peshawar. Brown is always 
getting terribly important trash from odd 
places. A staffer once brought in an emp- 
tied Soviet PFM-1 antipersonnel mine— 
the butterfly-shaped kind they drop by 
thousands on the trails near the Pak 
border—by wrapping it in a plastic bag 
and telling Customs it was a broken 
asthma inhaler. Anyhow, part of today’s 
booty was a bright-red box, bashed up by 
the guerrillas in tearing it out of the 
wreck, with a 13-position switch labeled: 
ominously in Russian. 

“Probably the central weapons-control 
computer for the MI-24,” Bob growled. 
“The intel agencies will pay a lot for 
this. We beat the Agency hollow on this 
onc. Hehhchhch." Splash. 

Bob splashes. He chews Skoal and spits 
into a water glass—sometimes, inadvert- 
ently, into other people's water glasses. 
You keep your hand over your cup. 

Why, I wondered, was this den of cari- 
catures selling more than 170,000 maga- 
zines a month at three dollars a copy? 

Popular myth notwithstanding, there 


aren’t any mercenaries today in the 
accepted sense of the word—small bands 
of hired white men who take over back- 
ward countries and fight real, if small, 
wars for pay. The reason is that any 
nation, even a bush country consisting of 
only a patch of jungle and a colonel, has 
an army too big for mercs to handle. The 
pay is lousy, the world being full of bored 
former soldiers. Brown himself is not a 
mercenary but an anti-Communist Peter 
Pan and, for that matter, has never killed 
anybody (though he once shot an escaping 
Viet Cong in the foot). 

True, there are shadowy categories of 
men who might be called mercenaries, but 
the word is hard to pin down. Are the hit 
men and cocaine pilots of South America 
mercs? Are the Americans who joined the 
Rhodesian army and served with native 
Rhodesians? Men working under contract 
for the CIA? In any case, revelations 
about the diversion of funds to the Contras 
in the Iran arms deal are not likely to help 
mercs find work. 

You do find a few men such as Eugene 
Hasenfus, recently shot down flying cargo 
runs in Nicaragua. Pilots are in great 
demand as mercs, because, while training 
soldiers is fairly easy, even for backward 
nations, flight training is hard to provide. 
Finding out whom these men really work 
for is not easy; the employers tend to be, 
as in the case of Hasenfus, curious corpo- 
rations, possibly but not provably owned 
by intelligence agencies. 

So who reads this stuff? Marines, Rang- 
ers and unhappy men, mostly blue-collar, 
who are weary of the unimportance of 
their lives. What the magazine sells is a 
hard-core smell, a dismal significance, a 
view of life as a jungle where the brutal 
stand tall against the sunset and the weak 
perish. S.O.F. may be the only one-hand 
magazine whose readers hold a surplus- 
store bayonet in the other hand. 

The magazine understands this and fos- 
ters it. The stories are mostly first-person 
accounts of scruffy little wars or how-to 
pieces on various techniques of murder 
but always with an undercurrent ofapprov- 
al and written in a low, throaty whisper as 
of old mercs talking shop. The classified 
ads in the back, for example: “Ex—Marine 
lieutenant requires hazardous employ- 
ment overseas. . . ." “Mere for hire. Any- 
thing, anywhere. . . .” “Pyro supplies.” 
“Young man seeks apprenticeship under 
master spook. . . .” “Uzi accessories.” 
“Merc will do anything, short-term, hi 
risk. . . ." “Laser weapons, invisible pain- 
field generators. . . .” “Ex-platoon leader, de- 


pendable, aggressive, fearless. .. .” “Night 
vision scope.” “Chemical lance.” “Savant 
for hire, an expert of weapons and demo. 
Prefer Central America. .. .” 

Most of these ads are nonsense. A jour- 
nalist once tried answering them and 
found that most were placed by poseurs. A 
few are real. Dan Gearhart, a would-be 
merc killed in Angola in 1976, got his job 
through Soldier of Fortune. At this writing, 
the magazine is being sued because some 
mercenaries put ads (“Gun for hire”) in 
Soldier of Fortune and, apparently, were 
hired to kill a law student at the Univer- 
sity of Arkansas. 

They botched the job—several times. 
Almost all mercs who get publicity prove 
to be clowns. The trade is notorious for 
attracting neurotics and cowboys and peo- 
ple who think they are James Bond. Being 
a merc is not a reasonable way to make 
money—you could do better managing a 
Burger Chef. 

The intriguing thing is the glorification 
of unprincipled ruthlessness, not of killing 
per sc but of sordid, anonymous killing. 
The readers do not imagine themselves as 
knights jousting for damsels in fair fight or 
as lawmen in Amarillo, facing the bad guy 
with hard eyes and saying, “Draw.” They 
want to shoot the bad guy in the back of 
the head with a silenced Beretta. Brown 
had discovered antichivalry. There’s a lot 
of it out there. 

Yet, although the idea was brilliant, the 
magazine barely hangs together. Despite 
Brown’s proven capacity for doing the 
impossible—starting a magazine for 
mercenaries—he has a boundless talent 
for mismanagement. The staff stays in a 
state of turmoil and turnover, mistreats its 
writers and loses them and barely gets 
issues to the printer, largely because Bob 
doesn't pay attention, won't run the mag- 
azine himself and won’t hire a competent 
editor who will. 

Although it may seem odd in a man 
who sneaks into Afghanistan the way most 
people go to McDonald’s, he is too inse- 
cure to delegate authority yet is unwilling 
to stick around and exercise it himself. For 
example, at one point, Bob insisted on 
approving cover photos but did not insist 
on being in the country when it was time 
to do the approving. Typically, everything 
would halt while frantic messages went 
out to the bush of Chad. The result made 
chaos scem obsessively organized. 

Time and again, Bob would meet some 
drunk in a bar who wanted to write for 
S.O.F. “Oh, yeah, sure, sounds great. 
Send it to the editor. Terrific idea.” Then 
he'd forget to tell the editor and would go 
off to Thailand for a month, whereupon it 
would turn out that the guy couldn’t write 
and Brown couldn't remember what the 
assignment was, anyway, and the editor 
wouldn't know what the hell was happen- 
ing. Any adventurer with a good line of 

(continued on page 150) 


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RAE DAWN CHONG 


р“ Daum Chong's first picture, at 19, 
was “Quest for Fire,” in which she intro- 
duced ancient man to the missionary posi- 
tion. Her most recent film is “Soul Man.” In 
the intervening five years, the daughter of 
comic actor Tommy Chong has graced Arnold 
Schwarzenegger's “Commando” and Mick 
Jegger's video “Running Out of Luck,” as 
well as “The Color Purple,” “Choose Me” 
and “Beat Street.” We asked Contributing 
Editor David Rensin to do for money what 
we'd gladly do for free: meet with her. “I 
found Rae Dawn in the kitchen,” Rensin 
recalls. “She grinned, giggled and said she 
шах а big fan of '20 Questions. " 


1. 


PLAYBOY: Are good looks a curse or is that 
just a myth propagated by good-looking 
people? 

CHONG: "hey can be a curse. However, 
unattractive people are much more 
obsessed with looks. In Hollywood, unat- 
tractive and powerful people can be the 
most cruel about looks. Especially peo- 
ple who do casting. Last night I saw Char- 
lie Sexton, the young musician. He's so 
good-looking. I don’t remember listening 
to a note of his music until Га heard about 
. And then I thought, Oh, 


2. 


PLAYBOY: How would you describe yourself 
to a blind man? 

CHONG: А lot of times I act like a blonde. 
There's a lightness about me. Pm very 
open-faced. I have sort of round features, 
but they work somchow. I smile a lot. I 
have a wicked sense of humor, 1 have a 
good mind, but I 
don't like to bore 
anyone with it. And 
I love to laugh. Гуе 
got a mass of curls, 
this smooth skin 
that's a neat color, 
and I'm all lips, 
teeth. Pm just а 
bunch of smiles. 


our favorite 
free spirit 
speaks out 
on lips, 
crossing 
color lines 3 

and the le 
И BeOS 
dig ео Bade 
mohair 

underwear 

e | па) GR. Mu) 
better mention my 


Shes got killer 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY NORMAN SEEFF 


lips. And on a guy, 
Charlie Sexton by 
far. He’s been men- 


boyfriend quick before I get kicked out 
[laughs]. He's got the best lips that Гус 
leaned into lately. Mick Jagger, of course, 
has the most famous lips, but I don’t think 
they're the prettiest. The most beautiful 
belong to Helena Bonham Carter. Like 
Genevieve Bujold’s, her mouth is so 
attractive and alluring. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: You've donc lots of screen nudity. 
Docs it bore you yet? 

CHONG: Yes, totally, absolutely, 100 per- 
cent. Even secing a boob or a guy's butt is 
just boring. We've all seen it. We go home 
toit; we are it. Suggestion is the art oferot- 
icism. Last Tango in Paris is probably the 
last successful movie where it was just out 
there—a classic on every erotic front. 94% 
Weeks was a bust, I'm anxious to do a real 
erotic script with no sex in it. You can 
seduce an audience without taking any- 
thing off, just like you can seduce a man 
without taking anything off, without even 
touching him. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: You went pretty far in the full- 
length video for Running Out of Luck. 
How do you remember the experience? 
HONG: Oh, God, it’s almost like porn on 
my part. 1 hated the whole love scene. 
"That was always a bone of contention. But 
I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with 
these guys, Mick and the director, Julien 
‘Temple. I was always promised it was 
going to be dark lighting, but when we got 
going, they took advantage of me. I proba- 
bly should have stopped and said, “Look, 
this is just too much.” But then, in terms 
of the context of my character, she would 
have done it. It was just too bad that we 
didn't have candlelight. What can I say 
except that I did it? I'm not embarrassed 
It wasn't totally disgusting, and it wasn't 
Inside Rae Dawn Chong. Yt was no worse 
than what Sonia Braga did in J Love You or 
anything else, and we certainly don’t think 
that she’s a walking putana. We think 
she's brilliant. So I'm not going to say, 
“Oh, it was just terrible and awful.” It 
was what it was, But I learned something. 
If I work with a director who wants to do 
some sex scenes, I hope that hell under- 
stand if I say, “Let's make this hot; let's 
not make this gross." 


6. 


praveoy: Was Jerry Hall on the set during 
the love scenes? 
con: No. She was far away. I don't think 


she knew or would have gone forit. I don't 
think she read the script [laughs]. But I 
don't think Mick was sncaking it—their 
relationship isn't so healthy or unhealthy 
that she would stand by and watch it. 
She's very jealous, and probably rightfully 
so, though I never gave her anything to be 
jealous about. 


ths 


PLAYBOY: You once said you wanted to meet 
Sting. You have one minute with him. 
What do you say and what do you do? 
снохс: I guess I'm getting busted on this 
one, I once had five minutes with Sting, so 
Pl tell you what really happened. I looked 
at him and said, “I really like your music 
and you're great.” He had on sunglasses, 
so I couldn't enjoy what I like best about 
him—his eyes. It was raining. He walked 
102 window. I said, “Oh, it’s raining.” He 
said, “Yes, this weather suits те.” And 
then he turned around and said, “Well?” 

He's totally cool and he’s the greatest 
guy, but I wish Га never met him. What 
can you do with five minutes with some- 
body? Strip him naked, not talk about 
anything, and lets Last Tango it for about 
a day or two or three and that’s it. With 
someone like Sting, it almost has to be sex- 
ual. Mind you, he’ll probably hate read- 
ing this, because he'll think, I've got so 
much to say. People know he’s a heavy 
dude; he’s got a lot more to talk about 
than his latest records, But who cares? 
You want people to get down on their 
knecs and say, “I love you.” But they 
never do. They always have wives, girl- 
friends and ex-wives, anyway. Nah, I 
don’t want to ever meet anybody I really 
care for. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Your dad's professional-doper 
persona parodied the attitudes of the 
baby-boomers. However, today’s teens 
seem to have serious drug problems. Do 
you think your dad’s generation is respon- 
sible for that? 

conc: I grew up in that very pro- 
experimentation Sixties environment. But 
my father and his group never said, “Yes, 
it’s cool to do drugs.” What they said was 
cool was that desire for experimentation; 
do what you feel, so you learn. I'm fright- 
ened about my kid’s future and what 
the kids are going through today, because 
s more a result of degeneracy than of 


133 


PLAYBOY 


134 


experimentation. Nancy Reagan's got a 
big job, because the rcason kids do drugs 
now is that the world is in trouble. The 
United States is in trouble. There’s noth- 
ing honest about our Administration. So 
why should the kids be honest? Kids today 
are not motivated to do drugs for the same 
reason that my father was. It’s more a 
numbing of their senses. It's out of 
despair. But what my dad did was some- 
thing that bound his generation together. 
Not so with kids today. That's scary. Ask 
any average 16-year-old about any 
sue, and һе or she will look at you and go, 
“Well, what's so important about that 
man? Give me another Madonna record. 
Passivity is killing us more than drugs. 
The kids don't care. They don't fucking 
care. So they kill themselves. 


9. 


pLayoy: What are the advantages of grow- 
ing up in а Si ironment? 

снохс: My inhibitions are not rooted in 
guilt. I sometimes suffer the consequences 
of that, because I'm much more freethink- 
ing and 1 don't judge. Also, growing up. 
with all these different races inside of me 
makes for some really bald truths. I don't 
need to belong to a group, and that's 
really a strong thing. I pity people who 
need to belong to a group for their roots. 
Your roots should be in your soul. My 
upbringing freed me. I don’t feel guilty 
because I make mistakes. I feel good, 
because that's life. 


“GENERIC” 
DOG FOOD? 
NO WAY I 


10. 


PLAYBOY: Where do you draw the line? 
chona: l have moral inhibitions. I 
wouldn't hurt anyone, because I wouldn't 
want anyone to hurt me. 1 wouldn't take 
somebody's boyfriend away. I dont 
believe in killing things or people. [Pauses] 
But I’m not a vegetarian. Га kill а cow, 
for sure. Kill that chicken! Just call me 
Mahatma Chong. [Laughs] 


п. 


т.лүвоү: Defend Cheech. 

cHONG: Cheech?! The great thing about 
Cheech, and what people will discover, is 
that he’s wickedly talented. I used to go on 
the road with Cheech and Chong when I 
was akid. Cheech would be the first one to 
throw a washcloth at the stewardess; then 
everybody would follow suit. He and my 
dad used to use my sixth-grade class for 
background sessions on their albums. And 
Cheech would get us all into a sound 
booth and then fart and close the door and 
leave us in there. We would be dying. 


12. 


т.лувоу: How much trouble do you have 
getting roles because you aren’t white? 

conc: Any role where people are resistant 
to my sl color, that’s fucked. They're 
afraid it distracts. Now, this could be 
totally wrong, but I really wanted to go up 
for the Daryl Hannah role in Legal Eagles, 
and I heard that Robert Redford’s people 
were not interested because of the black/ 


white thing. And I would have fucking 
aced that role—I'd be so good opposite a 
major male star as a romantic interest 
When I went up for American Flyers, the 
part was for either a 30-year-old American 
Indian or a 30-year-old blonde. When I 
walked in, I hadn't read the script. Also, I 
was wearing all leather, and 1 had my hair 
zapped out. I looked like Mad Мах, not 
some docile Indian woman from the Mid- 
west. The second I met John Badham, the 
director, I knew I was dressed completely 
wrong. But my kid, who happens to look 
like me—only he’s white and blond and 
very beautiful—ran between my legs and 
jumped up onto Badham's piano and said, 
“Oooh, a helicopter.” And Badham went 
from looking at me and probably going, 
“Oh, God, she’s really wrong for this” to 
“Wow, look at this great, beautiful kid.” 
That moment was all I needed to keep 
going and get the part 


13. 
rtaypoy; What's your favorite muscle on 
Arnold Schwarzenegger? 


chosc: [Laughs] His stomach. He's got a 
gorgeous stomach, just beautiful. Every 
muscle on Arnold’s body is sickening; he's 
so perfect. It’s not that he's the largest or 
the hardest or the most outrageous, it’s 
just that he’s in proportion. 


14. 
т.лувоу: Which spirits moved you? 

CHONG: Buckminster Fuller was a real 
guiding force. Also Baba Ram Dass. I 
read his book, Be Here Now, when I was 
11. It saved my ass completely, My father 
was a great influence spiritually, because 
he's such a Buddha. I’m a real believer in 
power. The people who are very powerful 
have had what I call conscious deaths. 
Their egos have died a couple of times in 
their hi imes. Once you've had that, no 


one can hurt you anymore. No one can 
take anything away from you. You just 
gain. That kind of understanding is really 
power. 


15. 


rLAvBov: Have you had a personality 
death? 

снохс: Yeah. My son had a brain dysfunc- 
tion that almost cost him his life. At the 
same time, my relationship with my hus- 
band fell apart, and I hadn't worked in 
two years. I had five cents to my name, a 
Kid in intensive care and a husband who 
was worthless. And when everything is the 
shittiest it can possibly be, you die. 
There's nothing to hold on to, so you sur- 
render and say OK. It was really hard on 
me, and if I hadn't been blessed, I would 
have probably gone over the edge and 
become horrible. But instead, I remember 


just looking through a window. One pane 
of glass was very clear and one was 
opaque. And I flashed that life was like 
that, It’s all perceptions. I could get hung 
up on the bullshit or the clarity. Гуе never 
looked back since then. 


16. 


pLavsoy: But seriously, what's Whoopi 
Goldberg really like? 

снохо: I love Whoopi very much. Not 
only is she busting a lot of stereotypes but 
she takes a lot of the responsibility off me. 
Whoopi is blazing a trail for black 
women—for just black anything success- 
ful. She's not a whitelooking black 
woman. She's getting evervbody's con- 
sciousness ready, so when someone like 
myself, who is milder on a lot of levels— 
and yet I think could be just as decp and 
just as intense— comes along, no onc will 
make it such a big issue. Then I can just 
get on with the fucking stuff. I can just 
bank my millions and be happy that I am 
who Гат. 

Still, 1 often ask myself if I have to be a 
30-ycar-old ex-junkie who lived in Berke- 
ley and who did stand-up comedy in Ger- 
many before I can get some respect 


17. 


pLavaoy: What's the toughest item of 
clothing for you to find or buy? 

снохо: Well, I’m a shopper extraordinaire. 
But I have one of those bodies that things 
fit right on. I don't really have much trou- 
ble. I was going to say mohair underwear 
And cruel shoes. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Are there any male-fashion 
trends of the Eighties that you wish would 
disappear? 

снохс: Men liking other men! [Laughs] 1 
guess white socks with bell-bottoms. 
Skirts. 


19. 


pLaysov: Quest for Fire was your big break 
How did you research your role as a pre- 
historic woman? 

CHONG: We studied a bunch of chimpan- 
zecs. In. London, there are these great 
parks and private estates. There are a cou- 
ple of families that own gorillas. I don't 
understand the English fascination with 
primates, but who knows? 


20. 


т.лувоу: We'd like to thank you for intro- 
ducing the world to oral sex in that film. 
снохо: That wasn't oral sex. I was putting 
something on a wound that happened to 
be in that area. The director was being 
very checky and definitely tricked me into 
doing the first head shot. I did, however, 
introduce the missionary position, and a 
lot of people have thanked me for that 


Drep us а ine if you'd lie to know more about our slow, old-fashioned ways. 


AT JACK DANIELS DISTILLERY, deep in 


"Tennessee, a man needn't rush to do a job right. 


"Two of our barrelmen have some whiskey to 
unload ín a nearby warehouse. But first they're 
taking time to chat about crops and 
taxes and where good fish can be 
found. You see, both of these 
gentlemen know it takes years and 
years for a batch of Jack Daniel's to 
gain maturity. If it’s five minutes 
late to the warehouse, there's not 
much cause for concern. 


SMOOT Ist STUB UN 
TENNESSEE WHISKEY 


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135 


GLEN FRIEDMAN 


FASTFORWAR 


RAPMASTERS soo V. 


pagne and Versace suits. In the well-tailored world of 
the recording industry, Rick Rubin (left) and Rus- 
sell Simmons (right) sta like Barry 
Manilow at a rap concert are two 
executives who are scruffy, mean-street smart 
and very successful, and insiders credit their three- 
year-old company, Def Jam Recordings, with taking 
гар from the playgrounds of Harlem and making it sell 4 > 
(yes, sell) in the cornfields of the Midwest. Their car for 
the urban beat is unbeatable. “The people at the major 
record companies are 40 and 50 years old,” chides Rubin, 24 
‘ou can't expect them to know what's going on.” Of course, 
even some younger listeners have been mystified by rap's popular- 
ity. Not Rubin, however, who claims that rap has much in common 
with the previous big teen craze, heavy metal. “They both have a 
hard sound,” he says. “I grew up listening to AC/DC and Aerosmith, 
and our rappers scream just as loud as they do.” Unsatisfied with 
mere chart-busting success, Rubin and Simmons, 29, are branching 
out into the movie business with a gangster flick called Tougher than 
Leather, which stars, appropriately enough, rap kings Run-D.M.C 
“Гус got seven gold records at home, but making movies is what 
really exci " says Simmons. Having launched Def 


NW 


s me right now, 


Jam with a mere $4000 stake, the duo is finding films a costlier under- 


taking. “Making a movic is like taking a big bag of money, holding it 
upside down and letting all the bills drop out,” Simmons means. 


“When the bag is empty, you have a movie.” —MIGHAEL KAPLAN 


LOVE ’EM & SHOOT 'EM 


Friends call her the Rager Corman of erotica, and Candida 
Royalle, 36, likes the title. “Like Corman, I’m out to find young 
film-making talent, especially women directors and writers. | want 
to give them the break they need,” says the ex—porn star turned 
X-rated-film director, producer and minimogul. “I want to estob- 
lish a whole new genre of eroticism from a womon's perspective.” 
With Femme Productions, Royolle leods о growing crusade to 
make hord-core films for the home-video morket—a market in 
which women are major consumers. So for, she has produced, 
written and/or directed four films for Femme, geared to “o 
woman's sensibility—with, ideolly, reol-life lovers making reol 
love in a slow, sensuous way.” Royalle, who misbehaved in front 
of the cameras for 
upward of 30 films during 
о six-year согеег, much 
prefers her new role. 
“Becoming а porn 
stor wes o woy 
for me to be 
sexual under 
the guise of 
playing o role. 
It's how 1 over- 
соте my Catho- 
lic good-girl 
guilt about sex,” 
she soys. 


-SUSAN SGUIRE 


DEBORAH FEINGOLD 


PEN PAL 


Some people say he has 
a pen 50 poison it's 
registered as a 
deadiy weapon. Oth- 
ers call him one of the 

best editorial cartoonists 

working. Tom Toles, however, 

is not thrilled with his fate. He 

А only reluctantly took his first job as 
4 a newspaper artist ("I had to eat"); an 
impressed editor saw his drawings and 

FZ 7 knew he had talent. Even so, Toles, 35, had 
to be dragged “tied and screaming” into his 


Ў current job as editorial cartoonist at The Buffalo 

News. Did something click? Hardly. “I struggled with 
it for a decade before getting any satisfaction at all,” he 
says. Even today, with his work syndicated in 125 newspa- 
pers, Toles is less than euphoric. “It used to be like taking 
a final exam every single day," he moans. “Now it's more 
like а pop quiz." True to form, he isn't doing any long-range. 
career planning. “When I think how hard it is to do опе car- 


toon, and then of how many I'd have to do until I'm 65, it's 
numbing,” he complains. “But | don't know. I'm not really 


qualified to do anything else. —ROBERT P. KEARNEY 


RANDY OROURKE 


SEEING RED: THE JILL OF JOCKS 


"For years, | wos very concerned obout making mistakes,” says the co-host of ESPN's 
SportsCenter. “Credibility is sa impartant far a woman. Every announcer makes mis- 
takes, but if you're a woman, you get beat up mare far them.” Gayle Gardner seldom 
gets beat up. She's smart, fobulausly redheaded, and she knows mare about sports thon 
you da. TV Guide called her “the best cat ct a dog show.” USA Today, ploying it 
straight, called her the best woman sportscaster in televisian. A New York girl who grew 
up living ond dying with the lacol teams, she left а TV production job ten years ogo ta 
toke o shot ot becoming the Billie Jean King of jock talk. "I had no idea whot on under- 
taking it would be,” she admits naw. Spartscasting was na wamon's land. She wos 
ignored, insulted ond worse. She was wrestled out of the Montreal Canadiens’ locker 
raam by the team’s owner. Locked aut of the Boston Red Sax’ men-anly clubhouse during 
с dawnpaur, she demanded—and gat—a saggy interview with baseball commissianer 
Bowie Kuhn. She built her credibility brick by brick, landed the SportsCenter job and 
4,000,000 viewers in 1983 and is naw more famous than some of the Mojsiejenkos whose 
потез she has ta proncunce every night. There's anly one problem: ESPN's red-shifted 
comeros, which sometimes make her lock like a talking head cn fire. “Allegedly we're 


getting new cameras,” she says. “My hair's red, but not quite that red." — —xevn cook 


GEORGE LANGE 


TWO GUYS TUNED INTO A NY FREQUENCY 


It's morning drive time and the program on 
your car radio takes a sudden humorous 
twist. Maybe it’s that fake ad (Mary Lou 
Retton selling out, again and again) or dialog 
so politically barbed it evokes Saturday Night 
Live. If you're chuckling while you commute, 
chances are it’s because of the handiwork of 
Andrew Goodman (right) and Bob James (left), 
the guiding lights behind the American Com- 
edy Network, which syndicates topical 
humor and satire to more than 175 radio sta- 
tions nationwide. “We're like comedic Don 
Quixotes,’” says James, 35. “We do a lot of tilt- 
ing at windmills.” Recent windmills have 
included Iranscam, the Meese commission 
and the arms-control mess. Not everyone— 
especially A.C.N.'s targets—finds Goodman 
and James funny. When the Southland Cor- 
poration decided to ban рілувоу and other 
magazines from its 7-Eleven stores, the 
A.C.N. had a field day with mock ads. “Our 
doors are open and our minds are closed,” 
one spot ran. Southland responded through its 
attorneys, of course, but was told by an un- 
daunted Goodman, 31, "Get in line. If nobody 
ever called to complain, we'd know we were 
really missing the mark." —IOHN GROSSMANN 


Diamond. 


The Mans 


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We faced each other in court. 
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I told her I was glad she was 
on my side in everything 
else. I said, “How about 
a partnership?” She said, We 
already have one.” Then she 
handed me a mans diamond. 
Well, counselor, win or lose, 
I guess its how you play 
the game. 


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LOUIS RUKEYSER 


(continued from page 62) 

PLAYBOY: And you feel that you're better 
rounded. 
RUKEYSER: Yes. 1 had more than ten years 
as a foreign correspondent. Most people 
in financial journalism do not have that 
kind of background. In order to unde: 
stand what's happening in the financial 
world, you have to understand whats 
going on outside. That's not just truc in 
the big-picture stuff. such as “Is there 
going to be a war?” You have to make an 
assessment of what’s going to happen in 
American society generally—women, 
family demographics, etc. Things t 
most remote from Wall Street may often 
be most relevant 
PLAYBOY: With busine: 
hitting the front page 
that the press is doing a good job? 
RUKEYSER: I had to conduct tutorial ses- 
ions over a lengthy period of years, but 
hey’re still not doing what they should be 
doing. There’s a need for more commen- 
tary and analysis. Onc of the problems is 
that media coverage tends to be reactive 
rather than analytical, and it goes with the 
maximum of one idea at a time. It's a 
pretty good story when people are going to 
jail and paying $100,000,000 settlements 
But over the past dozen years in America, 
we've had momic obsessions that did 
not coexist. Number one was the “energy 
crisis." Then we had inflation. Then we 
have tax reform—as it is called. It would 
be nice if we could think about more than 
one thing at a time, and it would be help- 
ful if journalists broadened the public 
mind more than they have done. 
PLAYBOY: One of those obsessions, inflation, 
certainly rated reams of copy a few years ago. 
RUKEYSER: I think probably more nonsense 
was talked about inflation than almost 
any other economic subject except energy 
We were told repeatedly that we couldn’t 
lick inflation, that it was a world-wide 
phenomenon. Well, in the Eighties, we 
stopped printing money at such a rapid 
rate and prices came down. 1 think that 
was the key reason inflation came down. 
There were other contributing factors, 
with the move from perceived oil shortage 
to perceived oil glut helping, and there 
was a world-wide oversupply of agricul- 
tural products. That helped. In the worst 
recession in arguably half a century, peo- 
ple sobered up on the wage front. Once- 
militant unions moderated their demands 
and in many cases even participated i 
at least temporary give-backs to the 
employers. All that helped, but I think th 
undcrlying reason was that the Govern- 
ment stopped printing so much money 
PLAYBOY: Arc you about to say something 
good about Government? 
RUKEYSER: I think credit for stopping infla- 
tion really doesn't belong to the White 
or to Congress. It belongs to the 
1 Reserve Board, where chairman 
Paul Volcker and his colleagues pursued a 


are 


stories regularly 
would you say now 


highly unpopular policy that resulted in a 
historic success. 

PLAYBOY: High praise. 

RUKEYSER: Now, I wouldn't give the Fed 
an A-plus, either. I think they alternately 
stepped on the gas and the brakes with too 
much severity. 1 think that exacerbated 
the recession and made unemployment 
worse than it otherwise would have been, 
and I wish they had operated much more 
openly and with less mystery and deliber- 
ate deception. But we have so few victories 
in thc economic sense that I don't want to 
be chary in giving credit where it's due 
PLAYBOY: Do you have any lingering con- 
cerns about inflation? 

RUKEYSER: I don't think we've perma- 
nently licked inflation. I think we are too 
complacent. We are plainly in a lull. Com- 
pared with the kind of inflation rates we 
grew used to less than a decade ago, this is 
nirvana. But by historical standards, it’s 
not really that terrific. I think the aim of 
public policy should be to eliminate the 
darn thing. Now, you can never entirely 
eliminate inflation over an extended peri- 
od, and some economists argue that if you 
just figure in things like product improve- 
ments, something like one percent infla- 
tion is virtually no inflation at all. But if 
the rate begins to creep up—and I fear 
we're probably going to be on the upswing 
over the next year or two—I don’t think 
we should forget everything else and call 
in the fire brigade, but we should keep our 
eye on it and begin to demand that the 
politicians do some of the fundamental 
things they have yet to do to put it under 
control. Lam not a raving optimist. 
PLAYBOY: Just how much response do you 
think you get from politicians themselves 
when you take off on one of your political 
commentarie 
RUKEYSER: You never know. I think the job 
for any of us who are lucky enough to com- 
ment on the news should be to avoid the 
temptation to seek popularity the way pol- 
iticians do. The reason they are unable to 
put together two consecutive sentences of 
common sense is that they want to con- 
vince everybody that they agree with 
them on every possible subject 

PLAYBOY: You've got a substantial audi- 
ence yourself. We've even heard you ad- 
dressed as “guru Lou.” 

RUKEYSER: All that stuff is a giggle. But I 
know who I am. I'm not 
rock star. I had a family life and a profes- 
sional life long before a lofty gentleman 
like yourself ever cared to ask me ques- 
tions. ГЇЇ still be the same guy when peo- 
ple stop asking me those questions 
PLAYBOY: Here's one a lot of people are 
probably curious about: How can y 
maintain a reporter's objectivity about 
Wall Street as an investor yourself? 
RUKEYSER: Well, I think the empathy is a 
large part of it. I think some financial- 
newsletter writers boast of the fact that 
they don’t own stocks and that therefore 
this is supposed to make them more objec- 
tive. I think that's nonsense. I think very 


me 18-year-old 


139 


PLAYBOY 


140 


often that has made them more reckless. If 
one is practicing what he preaches, he 
learns not to preach baloney. 

PLAYBOY: But you trade strictly as a 
hobby? 

RUKEYSER: The bulk of my investing is 
done in a grown-up manner. I've tried to 
get rich slow by picking good-quality com- 
panies and not being scared out of the 
market every time some would-be guru 
shouted, “Fire!” My first stock investment 
was made when I was 17 years old. I was 
graduating from high school. It was 1950 
and the Korean War had just started. 

The conventional left-wing view is that 
Wall Street is a haven for capitalist war- 
mongers. In fact, Karl Marx was wrong. 
Nobody marching in the streets in the 
ties was more devoted to peace and sta- 
bility than the stock market. The market 
traditionally and repeatedly sells off hys- 
terically in the face of rumors of war, and 
it did just that when the Korean War 
started. I invested my earnings as a high 
school sportswriter and bought $260 
worth—three shares—of General Motors. 
1 was stepping in heroically, you under- 
stand, to rescue the American economy at 
a time of crisis. The stock split several 
times, paid dividends along the way, and 
by the time I sold it in the late Sixties to 
get part of the down payment on my first 
house, that investment had increased 
seven or eight times in value. 

That experience is onc of the reasons 
I'm always skeptical of anyone who tells 
you that you need an awful lot of money to 
get started in the stock market. If some- 
body had told me that that was too little to 
invest in stocks, think how the course of 
Western civilization would have changed. 
My first experience, of course, was a very 
positive one. 1 wondered how long this 
sort of thing had been going on. 

PLAYBOY: You've done pretty well by Wall 
Street. But do you ever regret not working 
in Wall Street and earning megabucks 
instead of a mere high six figures? 

RUKEYSER: No. When I got my bachelor’s 


I wanted to go out into the world 
art earning a living, which I 
promptly did at the highly remunerated 
job of reporter for the Baltimore Evening 
Sun. It was the big money that attracted 
me. I mean, it wasn't everyone who could 
pull down $55 a week. I've made more 
money than I ever expected to make. I do 
what I enjoy, and many of my professional 
activities are not chosen for their remu- 
nerative value. J repeat, I'm just a simple 
working newsman. 

PLAYBOY: Arc you doing as much legwork 
these days? 

RUKEYSEI reader of my column asked 
me recently how large my staff is. You're 
looking at the staff of my column. I go all 
over the country all year and I talk with 
people and I read a lot. l'm on the phone 
a lot, as you noted; but that, to me, is just 
working journalism. Some focus on the 
fact that I make a very good wage by jour- 
nalistic standards; they tend to be overly 
concerned with that. 

When 1 left my job as economics editor 
at ABC in 1973, I didn't do it for financial 
reasons. I wanted to go out on my own 
and sce if I could make it. I wanted to try 
a little more independence in my profes- 
sional life. I figured it would be five years 
before I could replace the income I was 
giving up. Well, it took less than six 
months, happily. The market for my 
wares was greater than I had expected. 
PLAYBOY: Fifteen thousand dollars to 
$20,000 per speaking engagement is cer- 
tainly a living wage. 

RUKEYSER: People focus on the lectures 
because they pay mea lot of moncy—and 
they do. But there's another benefit 
beyond the fees—the instant feedback. 1 
get to run my own poll of America, and 
I'm able to spot trends before the general 
press does and stay abreast of things in a 
way you don’t get in any other medium. 
PLAYBOY: As a simple working journalist 
should. 

RUKEYSER: I am a working journalist 
Don't forget that Гус been a working jour- 


“Try not to think of me as your gynecologist, Miss 
Palmer. In some ways, I hardly know you.” 


nalist since I was 11 years old. I was writ 
ing lor the school page of the New 
Rochelle Standard-Star when I was 11. 
They didn’t start to pay me until I started 
writing sports, when Ї was 16. Do you 
know how much they paid me? Do you 
care about that, since you're so absorbed 
with my financial affairs? 

PLAYBOY: Sure. 

RUKEYSER: They paid me 50 cents an hour 
as a sports reporter at the New Rochelle 
Standard-Star. And after Га been doing it 
for a few months, I got a raise to 75 cents, 
for three reasons. One, I was the finest 
reporter since Richard Harding Da 
‘Two, I was the most gifted writer since 
F. Scott Fitzgerald. And three, Congress 
raised the minimum wage to 75 cents. 
Those three factors taken together pro- 
duced the increase. ^ 

PLAYBOY: So you have benefited from Gov- 
ernment intervention after all. How well 
do you think journalists and other outsid- 
ers cover the business world? 

RUKEYSER: I always tell my board-room 
friends that journalism is the same 
as other professions—notably including 
Wall Street—in that outsiders always tend 
to overrate the malice and underrate the 
incompetence. There are very few people 
in any profession who get things straight 
And those who are wounded by such 
incompetence tend to assume malice 
where it may not exist. TV journalism is 
the problem, of course. I don't think ai 
one ever learned journalism in a TV stu- 
dio. The ability to ask the fourth, fifth and 
sixth questions gencrally comes from peo- 
ple with experience outside the make-up 
room. If Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg 
Address today, TV would find the most 
important 45 seconds, not necessarily to 
the enlightenment of the republic. That's 
why the successful politician these days 
tends not to be the most profound but the 
one who can put the best spin on the eve- 
ning news. It seemed to me as long as 20 
years ago that the requirement for being а 
successful Cabinet officer was not to know 
anything or have useful policies for the 
nation but to be able to provide a confi- 
dent, articulate 45-second answer to every 
question—whether or not it was right. 
PLAYBOY: And now you have business- 
people training to handle the media as 
politicians do. 

RUKEYSER: Yes, now we have the new busi- 
ness heroes, who are learning how to 
manipulate the media every bit as success- 
fully as the average ward heeler. 

PLAYBOY: Meaning Lee lacocca? 
RUKEYSER: Iacocca has been able to put his 
message across in a largely controlled 
environment. 1 think that if he really were 
to run for President, he'd have to subject 
himself to rude questioning by irreverent 
reporters. Some of the ideas that now 
seem persuasive might then seem less so. 
Um thinking particularly of such areas as 
trade relations and industrial relations. 
And maybe суеп personal relations. As I 
understand it, one of the meanest things 


Henry Ford did to Iacocca was to have 
one of the Ford Company masseurs stop 
calling at Iacocca’s house. Now, I'm not 
sure that’s an issue on which Joe Six-Pack 
would march to the barricades. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't the high profile a rather 
new pose for the American C.E.O.? 
RUKEYSER: Yes. The classic, legendary cor- 
porate C.E.O. in America not only was 
not a popular hero but would have dis- 
dained the role. The job was to stay out of 
the newspaper. Now, the myth was never 
the entire reality. There have been great 
corporate financial heroes throughout 
American history. Early in this century, 
we had Henry Ford and Bernard Baruch 
and others. What we have now is not just 
the pop-hero syndrome hut the active 
solicitation of that role through the hiring 
of media consultants, public-relations 
firms, authorities on everything from what 
опе should wear to precisely which hair- 
piece would be most suitable. That’s the 
real change. Ford didn’t set out to be a 
culture hero. He set out to mass-produce 
cars and make a fortune. Baruch set out to 
make himself a pile of money. 

ОГ course, the classic public-relations 
transformation was the humanizing of 
John D. Rockefeller. Rockefeller, to put 
it mildly, was as rapacious as anyone 
involved in the present scandals. He put 
together —with massive cleverness, taking 
advantage of a very different regulatory 
and media climate—a dominance in the 
U.S. oil business that would be unthinka- 
ble in modern terms. Then he paid for 
some early PR advice, which started the 
legend about his handing out dime tips 
and encouraged him, in a more substan- 
tial way, to hecome a great benefactor. 
The average American now thinks of the 
Rockefellers as great benefactors, not in 
terms of the amassing of wealth. 

My own view is that we have things 
backward in America. We tend to assign 
great social cachct to people the further 
they are, chronologically, from the making 
of the money. But my own experience is 
that the most interesting characters are 
usually the ones who put the fortune 
together. 

PLAYBOY: And you're acquainted with a 
few of them. 

RUKEYSER: Yes, but I’m so democratic in 
my tastes, ] will even have lunch with 
exccutive vice-presidents. 

PLAYBOY: Do your board-room friends ever 
suggest to you . . . well, how incorruptible 
is Lou Rukeyser? 

RUKEYSER: Several years ago, I was speak- 
ing at a college in the South and a student 
got up and said, "Couldn't you use your 
position to make a little money for yourself 
on the side?” And I said, "Come on. The 
times are supposed to be more up front 
than that—why don't you ask the ques- 
tion directly? Your question really is, Are 
you a crook, too?” 

1 suppose that, not being the dumbest 
person in America, 1 could figure out on 
many a Thursday what a Wall Street Weck 


guest was likely to sav on Friday and buy 
some of the stocks he or she was likely to 
mention and then sell them on Monday 
morning when the great crowds rushed in, 
having heard the recommendation on 
national television. And I suppose I could 
probably get away with it two or three 
times before the SEC caught up with me. 
And if vou think they would not, you take 
them to be far stupider than they arc. 

If I were to make the most hard-nosed. 
assessment of my career assets, Га have to 
conclude that number one was honor and 
credibility, and it would be foolish in the 
extreme for me to tamper with my honor 
and credibility, even if I were tempted. 
Which, happily, Lam not. 

People are forever offering me money, 
which I have to turn down. But it’s usu- 
ally not in a criminal way, because the 
word is out that you can’t get anywhere 
with Louis Rukeyser on that. What people 
will offer me is vast sums of money to do, 
say, a commercial for them or to be a 
corporate spokesman. One great U.S. cor- 
poration recently offered me an annual 
guarantee in excess—well, an annual 
guarantee running into seven figures, and 
I wouldn't have had to do very much for it. 
PLAYBOY: We presume it could have jus 
fied the move to hard-nosed shareholders. 
The raiders may be lurkin; 
RUKEYSER: Well, there's a limit. I don’t see 
anybody racing to take over IBM, even 
though in the world of inflated financing 
that’s available today, that would not be 
an impossibility. 


PLAYBOY: IBM has been under quite a bit 
of pressure in the past year. 

RUKEYSER: They're being pressed more 
than they've been pressed in the history of 
the industry. I don’t think that means 
they're doomed. They're coming out with 
a new range of products. Maybe they're 
going to regain their position. But it 
means that nobody can just rest on his 
laurels. Excellence is not a permanent 
condition in corporate life. You've got to 
cam your wings every day—to quote a 
soon-to-disappear airline. 

PLAYBOY: We've reported and analyzed. 
Do you want to sign off with a com- 
mentary? 

RUKEYSER: Calvin Coolidge was right 
when he asserted that the business of 
America is business. It's the business of 
any country. In 1978, Congress wrote leg- 
islation that was much more favorable to 
sayings and investment than any we'd had 
in a decade. They didn't do it because 
they had a conversion on the road to the 
District of Columbia that day; they did it 
because they sensed a different wind from 
their constituents. The wind was less hos- 
tile to business, less hostile to profits, less 
hostile to savings and economic growth. I 
think that wind is still blowing. I think the 
smartest political figures in both parties 


are sensitive to it and are trying to shape 
1 


their 1988 programs in recognition ol 
think that change is good for the countr 
I also think it's good for the stock market. 


“However, I thought the special effects were very good.” 


141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


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143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


BLUE PILL „ааа fiom page 118) 


“She sat quietly for a while. ‘Hey, this is scary. I must 
have gotten more than one memory.’” 


I'd seen that would help me find the per- 
fect way to advertise this product. 

When I feel like this, I like to doa thing 
I call underthi + I just lean back, put 
my feet up and let my mind go limp. I 
tried it. 

First th 
Then | thought of my fathe 
forced myself back to the little blue pill. 
And when I got there, thc answer was 
waiting. Underthinking worked again. 

"Guys, here it comes." I sat up, excited. 

"The thing that was nagging at me wa: 
an image I'd picked up in that mceting 
with Dr. Henry. 

I could still see that pill sitting on the 
shiny-marble confe table. I re- 
membered Doc's pink face smiling at me, 
and below it was the perfect upside-down 
reflection of his face, frowning at me. 

But it "t Doc I was thinking about. 
It was the pill. There it sat, all shiny and 
blue, and right below, its perfect re- 
flection. It almost looked as if there were 
two pills, one balanced on top of the other, 
with the bottom one slightly darker, a lit- 
tle shadowy and mysterious. 

Now, what docs the word reflection 
mean? Sure, it's another word for memo- 
гу. And that's how a $50,000,000 ad cam- 
paign came to me in about 50 seconds. 

I borrowed Barbara’s sketch pad. I 
drew the pill and a big circle below it, 
which would be its reflection on a glass 
surface. 1 said to Richard and Barbara, 
“Reflect back to the meeting with Dr. 
Henry. Remember this?” And I pointed to 
the mirror image I'd drawn under the pill. 
Then, inside that reflection, I rough- 
sketched some Venice scenes—canals with 
striped poles and little gondolas. 

“Ah,” said Richard. “А good reflec- 
tion!” He smiled and eased back in his 
chair. He saw that we had it all but 
wrapped up. 

I handed the pad back to Barbara and 
said, “I think the name for this product 
should be Good Reflections.” 

“Perfect,” she said. 

1 stood up and moved around my desk 
“Our commercial should go. . . . 

I was on my feet now, gesturing, show- 
ing how the camera would move in closer 
and closer. 

"Open on the pill and its reflection. 
Bring in music—something nostalgic, like 
Memories Are Made of This. Voice-over 
says, ‘Now you can reflect back to the best 
times ever had by people who have lived 
life's most exciting experiences. . . - 

“Then the camera moves in tighter on 
the reflection under the pill. Inside that re- 


g I thought of was Barbara. 
in-law. I 


flection, we dissolve in scenes of the dif- 
ferent memories а montage of exotic 
landscapes, love scenes, famous Бай 
gamcs—as the announcer describes them. 

“We fade out of the last scene, and we 
move up and in on the pill itself! 
Announcer says, “At your store now.’ And 
while the pill’s just sitting there, a hand 
picks it up. We pull back quickly to see 
that the hand belongs to a pretty girl, who 
pops the pill into her mouth! In our sec- 
ond commercial, we'll show different 
scenes in the reflection and maybe end 
with a guy taking the pill. In others, 
maybe, we'll show a kid at the end, or 
maybe a celebrity!” 

I had to catch my breath. 1 get excited 
when I really start to cook. Then, in a 
calm voice, I added, “То wrap up, we cut 
to the package and move in on it to read: 
GOOD REFLECTIONS. Music up and out.” 

When I was donc, Barbara held up her 
sketch pad, and there it was, the last scene 
of the commercial I'd just described. 

The box said, coop REFLECTIONS, in 
bright blue. И was beautiful. So was 
Barbara’s smile. 


б 

А few hours later, I was Icaning back in 
my chair, feet up on the window, holdinga 
big Scotch in my hand and feeling pretty 
good. Outside, it was beginning to get 
dark. Lights were coming on all over the 
city. Far below, Michigan Avenue turned 
into a glittering flow of white headlights 
on one side and red taillights on the other. 

Suddenly, my door opened and Barbara 
rushed in. She looked upset. 

“Гуе got a problem, Les." She came all 
the way around to my side of the desk and 
stood close to me. “I’m afraid to go down 
in the elevator. I can't leave the floor!” 
Her voice was tight and her pretty face 
was pale with fear. Not quite panic, but I 
had a feeling that panic could be right 
around the corner, where our bank of 
elevators was. 

T put a brotherly hand on her shoulder 
and said, “You've been taking the clevator 
all along. What are you talking about?” 

“I never take elevators, Les. Never!” 


“Hey,” I reminded her, “this is the 
forty-seventh floor. How did you get 
here?” 


She began to pace. I got that prickly 
feeling along the back of my neck again. It 
didn’t make sense, of course. Barbara and 
I had come up in the clevator this mor 
And Barbara lived in a lake-shore 
high-risc overlooking Lincoln Park. Her 
apartment was on 28. 

She sat down on the white couch, look- 


ing confused and scared. I poured some 
Scotch into a mug and handed it to her. 

She took a gulp, winced at the burning 
and looked at me. “Les,” she said, her 
voice husky from the whisky, “I know 
exactly why I won't get in an clevator.”” 

“Forty-seven flights of stairs is a long 
walk, Barbara." 

“Les, when I was a kid growing up in 
New York, wc lived in a very run-down 
building. Our apartment was on ninetcen. 
I remember coming home from school onc 
day. I was in the elevator by myself, and 
about halfway up, the lights went off and 
the car stopped suddenly.” 

She took a sip of her drink. 

“I smelled smoke. I couldn't see a thing 
in the dark and I couldn't breathe. I just 
wanted to get out!" 

She took another swallow and leaned 
back. 

“After a while—I don't know how 
long—the lights came on and the elevator 
moved. The door opened and I walked out. 
There had been a small fire in the build- 
ing, but it was put out and I was fine. 

“Гуе never gone in an elevator since. I 
just won't! Les, I can't leave here.” 

Her story made no sense. Barbara had 
grown up in California, Suddenly, I real- 
ized what must be happening. 

“That never happened to you, Barb. 
You know that, don't you? Sounds like it 
might've happened to your basketball 
player, though. Right?" 

She sat quietly for a while, and it came 
to her, too. 

“I guess. Hey, this is scary. | must have 
gotten more than the memory of his game. 
But, Les, I’m not kidding, I still can't get 
in that damn elevator.” 

I refilled Barbara’s mug and poured an- 
other for myself. 

“Just relax, honey. We'll work out 
something. Stay here and make yourself 
comfortable. I want to talk with Richard. 
ГЇЇ be back in a few minutes. Don't go 
away, OK?” 

She nodded and sat there, looking likea 
lost little girl. 

Richard's office was at the end of the 
hall. When 1 got there, 1 found his desk 
lamp turned off and his coat gone. He'd 
left for the day. 

He lived only a few blocks from work. 
Maybe he was already home. I hoped he'd 
gone straight there tonight instead of out 
for his usual after-work shooter or two. 

I went around behind his desk and sat 
in his chair. I picked up the phone and 
dialed. One ring. Another. 

Suddenly, I heard Richard’s voice on 
the line. 

“Bon soir,” he said. 

“Richard. It’s Les. I've got a problem I 
want to talk to you about.” 

“Mot aussi, mon vieux, moi aussi." 

“Richard, I didn’t know you spoke 
French.” 

“Les, I didn't know a word of French 


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PLAYBOY 


16 


until this afternoon, Isn't it crazy? I think 
I could even read and write French now. 
It's kind of fun but scary. Must be Doc's 
pill. The guy who remembered making 
love to Tasha probably knew French, and 
I got his memory of i 

“You feel OK otherwise, Richard? Any 
other unusual memories or anyıhing? 

“No, I'm finc. 1 can remember pulling 
"Tasha's lace undies down over her thighs. 
With my teeth, mon ami.” 

Now, that was something to think 
about. 

“Les, are you there? Why'd you call? 
Arc you О 

“Yeah, so far. I can remember my trip 
to Venice, but that’s it. Everything else is 
normal. Barbara has the problem.” 

I told Richard everything that had hap- 
pened since Barbara came into my office. 
He said he'd come back and keep her com- 
pany until the pill wore off. 

Т told him not to bother, that Га stay 
with Barbara. Then I did a double take. 

“What do you mean, wears off?" 

“I guess I didn't tell you. I called Doc's 
lab guys to check on some details for our 
ad copy. We should have assumed this, 
Les. The pill's effect is only temporary. Its 
synthetic formula breaks down; and in 
about 24 how 
gone. Doc can kecp selling the same pills 
over and over." 
isten, Richard, when the pill wears 
off, can't you remember what it made you 
remember when it was working? For es 
ple, won't I remember being in Venice?" 

“Well, you'll remember having had that 
memory. But you won't remember how 
being there actually felt. It'll be like some- 
one told you about it, or like a movie—not 
like you actually did it yourself.” 

“Did Doc's guys say anything about 
these unexpected memories, like Barbara's 
elevator thing and you with the French?" 

“They said that some rare people might 
have side effects. Less than one percent of 
the population, according to them, but 
that would include highly creative people. 
We artistic types can sometimes pick up 
what the guy called ghost memories that 
are kind of stuck onto the mai 
but that most people won't ever notice. 
There'll be a warning on the label.” 

“Thanks, Richard. I'll tell Barbara that 
the clevator phobia won't last, that she'll 
be fine by tomorrow." 

“Yeah, but don't force her into an eleva- 
tor tonight. It could be traumatic. I'll see 
you guys in the morning. Bonne nuit.” 

. 

Barbara seemed a little high when I got 
back. She was never much of a drinker, so 
I guess the Scotch had sent her close to the 
line. 

She was standing in front of my win- 
dow, looking down on the city and smiling 
to herself, The office was pretty dark 
except for my desk lamp, which gave the 
room a nice warm glow. 


. the artificial memory is 


m- 


memory 


1 moved around my desk and stood 
behind her—close. 1 caught her scent, a 
warm humidity of girl, perfume, breathing 
and Scotch. 

We were alone, and it was all I could do 
to keep from wrapping my arms around 
her from behind. I put my hand on her 
shoulder and looked out the window with 
her. 

"How are you feeling now?” 

‘Much better.” 
‘Richard just talked to me on the phone 
in perfect French 

She laughed. “So he got more than he 
bargained for, too.” 

“But he's going to be his old self tomor- 
row, and so will you. The memories wear 
off in twenty-four hours, according to 
Doc's lab guys." 

I told her what Richard had learned 
about the ghost memories and how she 
could just wait out the night here. I said 
I'd be happy to keep her company, that 
maybe we could use the time to get a little 
extra work done on the campaign, and 
then I wasn’t talking anymore. I was kiss- 
ing her And she was kissing me back 

OK, what did you expect? 

We just stood there by the window, kiss- 
ing warmly and deeply. Out of the corner 
of my eye, I saw my big white couch sitting 
against the wall, patiently. I never knew a 
piece of furniture could look so smug. 

This was like being back in high school. 
The bonanza of a new girl in your arms. 
New lips. New body. The runaway excit 
ment, The feeling of being strangled by 
your own incredibly shrinking underwear. 
‘The danger. 

Danger! What was 1 doing? This wasn't 
the kind of danger you feel when you're in 
high school. This was big-time danger. 

“Barbara, stop.” 

I walked around my desk and poured a 
drink. I gulped at it and turned away, so 
she couldn't see the fear on my face. 

Пе? 

I looked back. She was still by the win- 
dow. The outline of her body and long 
blonde hair made a soft, curvy silhouette 
against the glow of the city behind her. 

“Whats wrong? We're alone. I know 
you've wanted to be alone with me.” Her 
voice became husky and she talked slowly, 
deliberately. “Les, today’s been so crazy. 
I nced you to help take my mind off what's 
been happening." 

My heart was thudding. Back there at 
the window, I was one step away from 
undoing the litle buttons on Barbara's 
sweater. And Га been wondering if she 
had lace undies like Tasha Trieste’s. 

Any more of this, and Га be sunk. My 
wife's family is psychic about such things, 
І swear. And Pm the world's worst liar. 
Га get home smelling of perfume and 
grinning like a cat with canary breath. It 
would be the chance they'd been waiting 
for. Out Га go. And that family doesn't 
believe in divorce. That would be too 


casy. No, my father-in-law and his side- 
kick sons would take care of me. 

“Barbara, we'll walk down.” 

“My God, Les, are you that afraid of 
me? Walk down forty-seven floors?” 

She turned her hack to me and looked 
out the window. I felt like the world’s big- 
gest jerk. Here was a woman I'd wanted to 
make love to since the first moment I saw 
her. She finally felt the same way, and I 
was brushing her off! 

I could still smell her perfume. 1 could 
still feel her warmth. Those firm breasts 
those full, moist lips. Was I crazy to run 
away from her? 

“Barbara, let me explain." 1 walked 
back around the desk toward the window. 
She turned away from the glass and faced 
me. The light from my desk lamp reflected 
in her green eyes, which shined full and 
wet. 

“Go on.” 

“Look, my wife is insanely jealous. IfI 
get involved with you, even once, she'll 
know. Her father and brothers will do 
ings to me. Terrible things. They live 
according to a very old Italian code of be- 
havior. I guess I sound like a coward. But 
I know these guys, Barbara. What they've 
done to people. I just. . . ." I looked down 
at my fect, like a school kid telling some 
impossible excuse to a beautiful young 
teacher he'd secretly had a crush on, T 
couldn't look at Barbara. But at h 
she knew. 

At first, 1 couldn't figure out what that 
noise was that she was making. She was 


t now 


upset with me, I knew, but not enough to 


cry. Then I heard a definite giggle. She 
was trying to stifle it, but she was actually 
laughing—at me. 

I looked up. She held out her arms 
“Come here, you idiot,” she said. 

She grabbed my face in her hands, 
pulled me forward and kissed me power- 
fully on the mouth. 

“Haven't you figured it out, Les?” 

‘Through the window, the city was lit up 
like a stage. 

“Figured out what?” 

“You're not married. You don't have any 
Italian wife or gangster brothers-in-law. 
Don’t you sce? It’s just like my elevator 
memory. And Richard suddenly knowing 
French. Tasha Trieste's lover must h 
known French. Your memory was of Ven- 
ice, Italy! Get it? The guy who went to 
Venice must've had a real old-fashioned 
Italian wife with the father and brothers 
who made him scared stiff!” 

“So real,” I said. “They all seemed so 
real.” 

“Want to know what's real?” she wl 
pered and put my hand on her breast. 

“Pm real,” she said. “Feel my heart?” 

Over her shoulder, 1 caught a glimpse 
of us in my window as she pulled me close 
to her. Now, that was a good reflection. 


ate 


TIN-CAN GALLEY omit om page 110) 


“A little imagination can turn the contents of those 


dusty cans and frozen packages into a tasty dinner.” 


a can of tomato sauce or of crushed toma- 
toes or a like amount of catsup. Sprinkle 
powder 
: one teaspoon each of ground 
‚ garlic powder and/or oregano). If 
you have a small can of red kidney beans, 
drain and add them at the last minute, 
just to heat through. Chili is ready when 
most of the liquid is gone. Spoon it right 
from the pan. 


MEXIGAN SALSA 


This is a no-cook, no-blend table sauce 
that fires up just about any cold or broiled 
meat, fish or fowl. Chop up two ripe toma- 
toes and one small red onion. Mince 
about one half cup of cilantro and one to 
three bottled jalapeno peppers. (One pep- 
per tangos on your tongue, two bug your 
eyes out and three fuse your fillings.) Toss 
everything їп а bowl. Add salt to taste and 
the juice of two fresh limes. Ifyou can't get 
cilantro (a.k.a. coriander), use parsley. It's 
a poor substitute but better than nothing. 
When you're cutting the peppers, it’s wise 
to use rubber gloves. Keep the juice and 
seeds away from your eyes. 


FREEZER NUGGETS 


Stop at the Golden Arches or pick up 
some frozen chicken nuggets at the corner 
grocery. While they’re heating up, pre- 
pare your own dipping sauces with what- 
ever is on hand. Possibilities: (1) Swirl 
horseradish or five or six drops of Tabasco 
in a cup of catsup. (2) Mix curry powder 
with plain yogurt or sour cream. (3) Stir 
seeded mustard into mayonnaise. (4) 
Combine soy sauce with a pinch of hot- 
pepper flakes, minced scallions or shal- 
lots and a splash of dry sherry or madeira 
(5) To equal amounts of bottled relish 
and mayo, add a dash of Worcester- 
shire, Tabasco and the juice of half a 
lemon. The sauces can be used with frozen 
fish sticks, too. 


FIVE-TICK SOUP 


Heat a tablespoon of oil in a large pot. 
Cook a chopped onion until limp. Pour in 
a can of chicken broth. Bring to a boil. 
Add a handful of elbow macaroni or pasta 
shells and equal cut-up portions of any 
available fresh or frozen vegetables. If 
there is a piece of leftover cooked chicken 
or turkey in the fridge, cut it up and toss it 
in. The mixture should be almost as thick 
as porridge. Bring to a boil, then immedi- 
atcly lower heat and simmer five minutes. 


SPICY SPAGHETTI 


Put on water for pasta. Heat a little oil 
in a pan and add a chopped onion and 
minced garlic. While they cook, chop up а 


fistful of pepperoni or chorizo. Add it 
to the pan. Throw in some sliced olives 
or mushrooms. Add a can of crushed 
tomatoes or a jar of spaghetti sauce— 
about two cups. Sprinkle with salt, pep- 
рег and orcgano. Simmer until the pasta 
is ready. 


SWIFT SCAMPI 


Shrimp scampi is redundant, but don't 
hold that against it. Heating a can of 
Campbell’s takes longer. Melt four pats 
of butter in a skillet. Add a half pound оГ 
peeled and deveined shrimps and cock for 
about five minutes, tossing and stirring. 
Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Remove 
the shrimps to a plate. To the butter 
remaining in the pan, add two minced 
garlic cloves, a few chopped scallions and 
the juice of one lemon. Stir and cook no 
more than one minute. Pour over the 
shrimps. Serve with rice. 


HASH O'BRIAN 


Use leftover boiled potatoes or drop fro- 
zen potatoes into boiling water and cook 
until tender but not mushy- Drain, rinse 
and cut into chunks. You need a little less 
than two cups. Set aside. Heat three pats 
of butter in a skillet until it starts to foam. 
Chop up one small onion, one small red 
bell pepper and one small green pepper. 
Add to the skillet, cooking until soft but 
not limp. Pour in the potato chunks. 
Sprinkle on salt and pepper and a gener- 
ous amount of paprika, preferably the hot 
Hungarian type. Stir to coat. If you have a 
piece of cooked chicken, beef or pork, dice 
it and add it as the potatoes brown. If 
things start to stick, add a little oil. 


SARDINES DIABLO 


Butter three large slices of rye or pum- 
pernickel bread from edge to edge. Put 
them into a toaster oven or under a pre- 
heated broiler and lightly toast. In the 
meantime, open two cans of sardines, 
preferably skinless, boneless and packed 
in oil. Drain, then lay them on the toasted 
bread. In a small bowl, mix a spoonful of 
mustard with two spoonfuls of oil. Brush 
or drizzle the mixture over the sardines. 
Sprinkle with bread crumbs. Place the 
open-faced sandwiches on a cookie sheet 
or in a shallow pan under the broiler and 
cook until the bread crumbs are brown. 


TUNA AND CANNELLINI 


Empty into a bowl two seven-oz. cans of 
tuna packed in oil. Drain a 20-oz. can of 
cannellini, rinse under cold water and add 
to the tuna. Add a minced garlic clove, а 
small chopped onion, a little oregano, a 
tablespoon of red wine vinegar and four 
tablespoons of olive oil. Sprinkle with salt, 
pepper, a pinch of hot-pepper flakes and 
the juice of half a lemon. Toss gently. 
Minced parsley is the optional garnish. 
Yields thrce or four servings, but it keeps 
well in the refrigerator with a tight cover. 


MEAN CUISINE 


Frozen boil-in-bag dinners can be enliv- 
ened in many ways. To enhance or add a 
Chinese taste, stir a few drops of soy sauce 
into chicken chunks or chow mein. Oyster. 
sauce jazzes up fish dishes. Minced hot 
Italian pepper can be tossed with spa- 
ghetti ог nocdles. Oregano, garlic powder, 
marjoram or all thrce work in tomato 
sauce or over lasagna. 

You get the idea. "These recipes are only 
guidelines. A little imagination and a 
Stock of versatile spices can turn the con- 
tents of those dusty cans and frozen pack- 
ages into a tasty dinner or a memorable 

idnight nosh. Improvise! 


147 


PLAYBOY 


148 


REAL DEALS „лн page 121 


“Real-estate syndicators haven't always the same 
incentive as you or I. It’s not their money.” 


from $2750) than to the $500 I paid. 
Whether or not it will remain economical 
to farm my vast clay tennis court remains 
to be seen. In the meantime, it’s rented to 
a farmer who owns land nearby, and it 
throws off eight or ten percent a year in 
rent after expenses (principally, property 
tax and a management fee). 

Those of you who chose to sink your 25 
Gs into the farmland: Smart move, guy: 
(I hope, 1 hope, I hope. 

(If you have just inherited half a million 
and want to risk a fifth of it on 80 acres of 
prime ground in the nation's heartland, or 
160 not-so-prime acres near me, two of the 
hundreds of farm managers who may be 
cager to help are Murray Wise of the 
Westchester Group in Champaign, Mli- 
nois, and Richard Thoreson of Security 
National Bank in Sioux City, Iowa.) 

I went into the real-estate deal because 
it was geographically diverse, because its 
attractive projections were based on exist- 
ing, operating propertics and because 1 
wasn't keen on paying 59 percent of my 
income in Federal, state and city taxes. 
(This was in late 1984, before Congress 
killed, retroactively, much of the tax 
advantage of investing in real estate.) 

Even so, I have always had a problem 
with real-estate syndications. Most of 
them eat up about 15 percent of your 
investment in syndication fees and sales 
commissions, leaving only 85 percent or so 
actually to be invested in real estate. Lots 
of investors accept this haircut who would 
never consider, by way of contrast, paying 
$205,000, say, for a house they know is 
really worth only $174,000. Yet that's the 
difference 15 percent makes. 

Not only that, real-estate syndicatoi 
their hurry to get something to s 
haven't always the sanı 


or 1. Where you or I might hold out for 
something really irresistible, the syndica- 
tor may very reasonably pay fair market 
value—which is to say full market value— 
or perhaps even a little more. After all, it's 
not his money. And how many dentists 
and airline pilots know whether a shop- 
ping center is worth $4,900,000 or merely 
$4,300,000, anyway? What's more, if infla- 
tion comes roaring back and this shop 
center is sold for $20,000,000, who cares? 
So what if the investors put up $5,750,000 
to buy for $4,900,000 (what's left after 15 
percent in fees) a property that a really 
tough, patient negotiator might have 
snagged for $4,300,000? 

The syndicator would certainly like to 
sec you do well—he likes to do a good job, 
just as you do, and the better you do, the 
better hell do, both in future Бизи 
from you and because he shares 
ultimate profits on the property. But most 
of that incentive is years off. The 
now is to put tens or hundreds of mil 
of dollars’ worth of deals through the pipe- 
line, getting an immediate cut thereof. 
Thats what stocks the refrigerator and 
fuels the private jet. 

Anyway, for those of you who placed 
your $25,000 on the three apartment com- 
plexes and the two motels, I have bad 
news. It turns out that things have not 
been going so well. The memos you've 
gotten from the general partner arc cheer- 
ful, to be sure, and your quarterly checks 
come just as promi: ut the 1985 finan- 
cial statement, issued in the summer of 
1986, tells a worrisome story. Revenues 
from all five properties have been lower 
than projected. They're not just generat- 
ing tax losses (what with the deprecia- 
tion), they're generating huge real losse: 
о what else is new, right But there's a 


“And I say it’s my turn to be Ginger Rogers!” 


inction here. It's one thing if you go 
into a chancy gold-mining and— 
guess what—it doesn't pan out or if you 
buy into an office building in Houston and 
then, months or years later, the price of oil 
collapses. 

You pays your money, you takes your 
chances. Nobody likes a sore loser. 

But in this case, you bought into five 
operating properties 
odd that all five, in different parts of the 
country, should turn in results sharply 
below projection for 1985? Was there a 
recession in 1985? I missed it. Were there 
unexpected economic shocks or a sudden 
steep decline in motel occupancy? No, 
1985 bumbled along much as 1984 had. 

Yet here were the property-by-property 
projections for 1985 used to sell the deal in 
late 1984, and now here were the actual 
1985 results. Rent had come in eight per- 
cent under projection from the Fort 
Lauderdale apartments, 21 percent under 
projection from the Virginia Beach apart- 
ments and 26 percent under projection 
from the Tomball, Texas, apartments. 
(Did your rent go down 20 percent in 
1985?) Gross revenues from the Sacra- 
mento and Indianapolis motels had come 
in 26 percent and 27 percent under projec- 
tion, respectively, while their “cost of 
sales” had unfortunately come in 43 per- 
cent higher than projected. 

Bad results or no, the mortgages still 
had to be paid, along with some other 
expenses, leaving a nearly $2,000,000 cash 
shortfall on an over-all investment by the 
partners of just under $8,000,000. 

Thats not much of a shortfall for a 

Third World nation (let alone our own), 
but it’s a lot for three small apartment 
complexes and two motels. Is it conceiv- 
able that the projections were based more 
on what it would take to make the deal 
look good than on the professional ju 
ment of a New York Stock Exchange com- 
pany? (Is that the way the world works?) 
Yes, the general partner is making cash 
distributions of six percent per annum 
y—those checks just roll in—but 
they take the form of loans to the partner- 
ship and, in any event, cease after three 
years. 
Now, you say, calm down. They got off 
to a rocky start. Given two or three years, 
those 26 percent shortfalls in revenue will 
gradually disappear and everything will 
be fine. 

But it’s not enough that the projects 
eventually start bringing in what they 
were projected to bring in for 1985, 
because even had the partnership per- 
formed as projected in 1985, it would have 
lost real cash money. Fundamental to the 
eventual success of the deal were substan- 
tial annual improvements in net operat- 
ing income—higher sales and/or lower 
expenses—so that there would be enough 
left over to pay the mortgage. (Not pay it 
off; just pay the interest.) 

The general partner projected that for 
1986, “net income before other expenses” 


(such as $3,468,510 in mortgage interest) 
would outstrip the 1985 target by 15 per- 
cent. And perhaps it did; the numbers are 
not yet in. To have done so, however—to 
have gotten back on track (even without 
recouping the 1985 shortfall)—would 
have required a jump in such net income 
of 160 percent. And then, to stay on track, 
another 12 percent gain in 1987, ten 
percent in 1988, ten percent in 1989 and— 
well, there’s not a lot of time in these pro- 
jections to stop and catch your breath. 

Anyhow, having studied the projected 
and actual numbers, which neither I nor 
most investors, ] think, generally do, and 
having noted that all five geographically 
diverse projects were performing under 
projection, I placed a call to the general 
partner to comment on the coincidence. 

“You sons of bitches robbed us blind!” 1 
said—though not quite that way. 

“What's the problem?” the investor- 
relations department said. “The pro- 
grans going to work out great!” (Again, І 
am paraphrasing liberally.) “Its just that 
the economy was terrible in 1985.” 

“It was?” I said. 

“Well, and we're not sure the sellers of 
the motels were entirely candid in their 
representations to us.” 

Now we were getting somewhere. 

I muttered something sweetly about 
“due diligence” and a couple of other 
legal phrases I don’t really understand 
but that 1 thought might conceivably 


apply, and within minutes—in the scale of 
time at which things like this move—the 
general partnership had agreed to buy 
back my interest. (Not for as much as I 
had paid, to be sure, but for enough, after 
taking into consideration the tax benefits I 
had received less the taxes Га now have to 
pay, for me to come out whole.) “We think 
it would be unwise for any investor to sell 
out,” read the gracious letter. “Neverthe- 
less, if you are dissatisfied and wish to sell 
at this time...” 

Whether or not any other limited part- 
ners took the time to compare the annual 
statement with first-year projections and 
whether or not, if so, any of them 
squawked, I cannot say. 

But if you chose this deal for your 
$25,000, it would not have paid you to do so. 

And now for the nuns. I know that's 
what you chose, hard as I tried to deflect 
you. You're not stupid. If you had just 
three choices—farmland, apartment 
buildings or a musical comedy about dead 
nuns—your money was on the nuns 

I went into Nunsense myself for several 
reasons, First—with all due respect—I 
thought it was hysterical. Second, it was 
capitalized at a mere $150,000—versus, 
perhaps, $500,000 these days to put on 
your average off-Broadway number (and 
$4,000,000 to mount a full-fledged Broad- 
way musical). Third, unlike most shows, 
where for each one percent of the capital 
investors put up, they are entitled to halfa 


percent of the profits (with the general 
partner sct to reap the other half, should 
there be any), this one offered a full point 
for cach point invested. Presto: The odds, 
though very long, doubled. 

Fourth, this was a show I actually got to 
see before investing. With most, you're 
asked to attend a backers’ audition in the 
producer's living room to hear a descrip- 
tion of the plot and eight of the show’s 14 
songs. In this case, а shoestring produc- 
tion of the actual show, with the actual 
cast, was playing on a high school stage in 
my neighborhood. And, filth, they needed 
the money. 

The Devil made me do it. 

And although not a penny has yet to 
flood my coffers ("You're so rich, the 
banks are charging you storage,” my bro- 
ker likes to tell me, as accurate in this 
appraisal as in most others), things are 
looking good on the nun front. The sisters 
in Life, the sisters on Today, separate pro- 
ductions in Boston, Philadelphia, San 
Francisco, Toronto, Amsterdam and Aus- 
tralia, a fat amatcur-and-stock: 
a cast album, Peggy Cass in a Michi 
production, Kaye Ballard and Jaye Р. 
Morgan stated for another, awards—it 
looks as if you grabbed that $25,000 by the 
dollar sign and slammed it down on the 
right choice 

Nice job. 


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149 


PLAYBOY 


ADVENTUROUS ANNA 


(continued from page 100) 
that—meeting new people, hearing new 
ideas. I hate being bored.” 

Clearly, Anna has always endorsed 
spunk and eccentricity, from her early 
days, when she was booted out of three 
Catholic boarding schools—once for 
smoking in the bathroom, once for wear- 
ing the wrong socks and finally for going 
A.W.O.L. while frantic nuns searched for 
her—to the two-month European trip she 
took by herself when she was only 18. 

That trip was not an unqualified suc- 
cess. “I got very lonely,” Anna confesses. 
“Without anyone [ knew around, 1 
seemed to lose my sense of identity. I 
ended up coming home earlier than I had 
planned.” Now an older and wiser 20, she 
is undertaking a more ambitious trip, and 
she’s excited about it. “I learned a lot last 
time, and 1 think that having my brother 
with me will make a big difference. Still, 
we're playing it very much by ear. The last 
thing we want isa firm itinerary.” 

While she was between trips, Anna 
moved south to take business classes at 
San Diego State. She worked part of the 
time as a hostess at a restaurant and then 
discovered an easier way to riches. “They 
had these leg and bikini contests at vari- 
ous night clubs, with cash prizes,” she 
says. “Pd enter and Га win—that's how | 
paid my bills.” 

But night clubs are more than a meal 
ticket for Anna. In both San Diego and 
San Francisco, they're yet another source 
of adventure. “One of the places I go here 
in San Francisco is called DV8. It’s 


located down near the warchouses, and 
you meet some very interesting. pcople 
there. There are artists and musicians and 
a lot of people who like to live on the edge. 
I'm not even sure where these people exist 
during the day—but at night, they’re 
crazy, and they're great dancers. | feel 
very much at home in a club like DV8. I 
even had a special vanity license plate 
made in honor of me and the clubs—wait 
till you sec it.” 

Sometimes Anna dances by herself; 
other times, she's joined on the floor by 
different men. “Some of them 1 like,” she 
“Some are a little bit too far out, but 

easy to avoid. I don’t mind danc- 

ing р myself and just being part of the 
scene. I don't feel a pressing need to meet 
anyone right now." 

Anna's last boyfriend, a fellow student 
at San Diego State, was a great dancer but 
not good enough to overcome his other 
failings. “I like a guy who isn't clingy but 
who also isn’t too independent.” Her for- 
mer boyfriend fell into the latter category, 
and while she occasionally dates, right 
now, she’s happily noninvolved. “It seems 
silly to get all wound up in a relationship 
when Pm going to be gone for a whole 
year,” she points out. “I’ve been looking 
forward to this trip so much, I wouldn’t 
want to cancel it for anything.” 

When lunch is over, Anna checks her 
notebook for the address of the 
consulate, fishes through her ри 
car keys and promises to send postcards 
from offbeat locales. ill holding her 
white rose, she climbs into her VW Sci 
rocco and drives off. And the license plate? 
Of course, it reads WILDSID. 


“Well, maybe I'm not one of the ones who 
just want to cuddle! Maybe Гт one of the ones who 
want hot, steamy sex!” 


PLAYING SOLDIER 


(continued from page 130) 
bull can con Bob out of air fares to distant 
places and live well for months at his 
expense until somebody finally figures out 
that the magazine is being taken for a ride. 

Bob doesn't really read S.O.F. He once 
told me, “Hey, Fred, I really liked that 
Spectre gunship story you did. We could 
use some more like that." The story had 
been published a year before. 

Bob misses appointment: 
answer his mail—not surprising, because 
he doesn’t read it. Mail requires decisions 
and he can’t make decisions, preferring to 
put them off until the problems go away. 
Sometimes they don't. If the office were 
burning down, Bob would want to think 
about the fire for a few days before putting 
it out. (“Yeah,” he would say in that hard 
mercenary voice, eying the flames, “I 
don't want to be too hasty. Let's kick it 
around in our heads for a while, sce what 
comes out.”) 

As І stood looking into that crafty face 
pocked by fragmentation wounds, lined 
by many wars, some of which Bob has 
been to, I began to recognize the horrible 
truth. S.O.F. is not phony, exactly—the 
stall members really do the things they say 
they do—but neither is any of it exactl: 
real. The magazine is a playground for 
half-assed adventurers, and Brown was 
having fun, that was all. I had come to 
work in Colonel Kangaroo’s Paramilitary 
Theme Park: Step right up, hit the Kew- 
pie doll with a throwing knife and win an 
Oriental garrote for taking out those trou- 
blesome sentries, Cotton candy at the next 
booth—in camouflage colors, of course— 
and... . That was the key to understand- 
ing S.O.F.—realizing that Bob is not in 
the business of putting out a magazine, he 
is in the business of being Bob. He likes 
being the international mercenary pub- 
lisher, likes playing Terry and the Pirates, 
and the magazine is just a justification. 
‘Trying to understand 5.0.Е. as journalism 
merely leads to confusion. 

This explains the odd pointlessness of 
most of what the man does. For example, 
take the time he and the green creepers 
sneaked into Laos to see the anti- 
Communist brigands. In bush wars, 
they’re all bandits, so you choose which 
bandits will be your bandits. It w: 
short trip, barely across the border. All 
that came out ofit was photos of the rebel 
village with a huge satin S.O.F. flag 
(DEATHTOTYRANTS) floating over it—silliest 
goddamn thing I ever saw. They really 
went, but it really didn’t matter. 

"The mystery is how anyone as inept as 
Bob can survive while doing the things he 
does. In the Special Forces, he was known 
as Boo-Boo Brown, because he couldn't 
get a drink of water without breaking his 
leg, losing his wallet or setting off NORAD 
alarms. Irs hard being a deaf commando 
with no memory. Bob once left an open 
bag full of cash in an airport in Bangkok— just 


forgot it, the way normal people forget а 
paperback book. Many who know him 
think that he really needs a mother, or a 
keeper, and the incident suggested that he 
might have an inyisible cosmic sponsor: 
The money was still there when a travel- 
ing companion went back, which is impos- 
sible in Bangkok. 

He thrives on conspiracies, but most of 
them do not quite exist beyond the con- 
fines of his skull. 1 once spent three hours 
in a hotel suite while he and his ambient 
maniacs discussed 
information—so trivial I can’t remember 
it—whose revelation they thought would 
prevent the re-election of Jimmy Carter 
But you can’t blame Bob for not having 
much idea how the real world works. He 
has never lived there. 

Neither he nor S.O.F. can even begin to 
keep a secret, unfortunate in a man whose 
hobby is conspiring. I have seen him begin 
a plot to overthrow a scary foreign- 
intelligence agent by inviting 13 people, 
including several strangers, into his office 
to talk about it. The magazine once taped 
some telephone conversations with me, 
neglecting to tell me it was doing so. The 
editor then sent the transcripts to Thai- 
land, where they ended up in the hands of 
a buddy of mine who was running cross- 
border operations into Laos—this was the 
Bo Gritz attempt to free some POWs 
believed to be there. When my fricnd 
came back to the States, the FBI photo- 
copied the transcripts. Oh, good. Bob is 
the Great Communicator, a sort of one- 
man CBS. 

If, as someone once said, the intelligent 
man adapts himself to the world, but the 
genius adapts the world to himself, Bob's 
а genius, living in a world he has built to 
his own specs. A fantasy world, yes; but 
Bob knows where reality begins and usu- 
ally stops short of getting into trouble. He 
is crazy by choice, when it suits him—the 
world’s oldest and most successful kid of 
11, with the kid’s tribal mentality, deeply 
loyal to his adventuring buddies but to no 
one else, playing games in Uncle Bob's 
sandbox, which happens to be the world. I 
remember his lying with his head in the 
lap of his wise and patient girlfriend, 
Mary, when someone brought up the 
subject of railroad trains. “Гус always 
wanted to be an engineer,” Bob said, look- 
ing off into some interior distance. 
“Maybe I can buy a train. Can 1 buy a 
train, Mary?” 

“You always want to be everything,” 
Mary said. She understands him. 

Mary stays with the old rogue— this is 
the only real breach of confidence I am 
going to commit in this article, for which 
Bob is likely to have a brigade of assassins 
come after me—because he is a nice guy. I 
once asked one of his best friends, who are 
very few, how vicious Bob really was 
“Well, if you insulted his ancestors, 
poured beer on his head and swindled him 
out of his magazine,” the guy said 


some minor bit of 


thoughtfully, “Bob might punch you out.” 

For a few days, my job was to edit the 
usual nutcake stories for publication, 
mostly human-interest stuff. There was 
one about how to weld razor blades to the 
bottom of your car so that a crowd trying 
to turn it over would have its fingers cut 
off, and another explaining three handy 
ways to make napalm with gasoline and 
simple soap flakes. Most of the stafl- 
smart, funny people—knew the whole 
business was madness and enjoyed it. A 
few thought it was real. 

The working-level lunacy was plentiful. 
example, glancing into red fire- 
extinguisher boxes, I found loaded 
12-gauge riot guns with the safeties off. It 
seems that the SDS at the University of 
Colorado had threatened to storm the 
office, a catastrophically bad idea. You 
should never storm a den of armed para- 
noiacs when there is no back door, 
especially when the paranoiacs have the 
firepower ofa Central American army 

I heard about the SDS’ threat from 
Craig Nunn, the art director, a former 
Special Forces sergeant and street fighter 
out of Chicago with equal affinities for 
Bach and blood. To listen to the 
Brandenburgs, Craig always wore head- 
Phones on a long cord in the art room so 
that he looked like a deranged pilot flying 
an cascl. Speaking of the attack by the 
SDS, he said with subdued longing, the 
wistfulness of a man who hasn't shot any- 
body since lunch, “I think they should 
attack if they believe in it. God, hard times 
and body bags. Га like that better than 
bubble gum.” 

The assault didn’t take place. A local 
motorcycle association, allies of S.O.F., 
walked through campus in field dress— 
scars, missing tecth, gloves with fishhooks 
on the knuckles, LO.s dragging low 
around their ankles, like skivvics at the 
dip. They announced that if any Commie 
pervert bothered S.O.F., which was a 
righteous and patriotic magazine, the 
bikers would break his arm in 14 places 
before getting down to detailwork, One 
remark in particular—“Honey, you got 
pretty eyes. I’m gonna put ‘em in my 
pocket”—is said to have directed revolu- 
tionary fervor into other channels. 

One day I was sitting in the office with 
Harry, a hulking right-winger who wor- 
ried a lot about the Trilateralists. Oddly 
enough, most of the staffers were liberals. 
Harry was a prop. (1 divided the staffinto 
workers and stage props, the latter being 
those who twitched, usually couldn’t spell 
and arrived in the middle of the night. 
The workers, mostly women, put out the 
magazine.) A glass wall separated the scc- 
retary from Harry’s office, where he spent 
the day roaring and fuming like a volcano. 
His office was stuffed with guns, one spe- 
cifically for fending off the SDS, 

“Look at the bullets,” he said. I did: 
green plastic. 

“Hollow. Filled with oil and tiny buckshot. 
They kill but don't penetrate glass. If a 


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152 


left-wing shithead comes in and 1 miss 
him, it won't kill the secretary.” 

Harry was ever a gentleman. 

After much negotiating, we got a 
Russian-language expert through the uni- 
versity to come translate the writing in the 
red weapons-control computer. She was a 
tall, horsy lady, obviously unsettled by 
being in the lair of these horrible killers. 
We all sat around expectantly, awaiting an 
i nce coup ofa high order. It looked 
like a Big Deal: The M1-24 gunship was 
largely a mı in the West. The transla- 
tor picked up the red box and read, with 
solemn emphasis: 

“In case of fire, break glass,” 

It was a fire-control device, sort of. Oh, 
well. 

Harry, the savior of secretaries, was 
strange, but he wasn't alone. The staff was 
crawling with real lulus. There was Derck, 
a brilliant fellow who had been in a spook 
outfit "Nam, S.O.G. (Studies and 
Observation Group, death-in-the-weeds 
people. Those in it are called Soggies). 
Derek talked to Saint Michael, and 
Saint Mike answered. You'd drive with 
the guy and he would be saying 
“Mumblemumble, Saint Michael, mum- 
ble mumble,” with his eyes rolled sky- 
ward, and you'd say, “Ah, er, nice day, 
huh, Derek?” “Mumble . . . yes, quite fine, 
thank you, we are blessed, mumble. mum- 
ble, Saint Michael. . . ."" Vietnam is a hot, 
sunny place, and maybe there weren't 
enough hats to go around. 

. 

At nine rM. at the Scottsdale Hilton 
Resort & Spa, under the puzzled skies of 
Arizona, the annual Soldier of Fortune con- 
vention flowed in full throbbing lunacy 
The locals were upset: You could sce it 
their eyes. Across the city, police were 
alert, parents no doubt sitting up with a 
.22 rifle to guard their daughters and the 
family cocker spaniel. After all, Soldier of 
Fortune recked of mutilated bodies in Ori- 
ental hotel rooms. It was the trade journal 
of lurching men with knife scars across 
their faces and faint German accents. One 
expected terrible things from it. 

And got them. Sort of. 

On the parking lot, lit by strategically 
placed headlights, several 
conventioners in jungle cammics £ 
to watch Dave Miller, a tiny, fierce mar- 
ual artist, pull a Blazer by a line tied 
to spikes through his triceps. The 
conventioners, by and large, were the big- 
gest collection of hopeless dingdongs to 
trouble this weary carth—twerps, grocery 
clerks with weak egos, various human 
hamsters come to look deadly in jump 
boots, remember wars they weren't in 
and, for a weekend, be of one blood with 
Sergeant Rock and his Merry Psychos. 

On the tarmac was a cluster of shave- 
headed Huns, martial dwarfs and minor 
assassins—the staf. The hamsters 
watched, agog. The conductor of this mad 
symphony was John Donovan, a muscu- 
lar 270-pound, skin-headed ex-Special 


hundred 


Forces major who, it was rumored, manu- 
ally broke up motorcycle gangs for a 
hobby. Miller stood with his arms 
upraised for the spikes, which were actu- 
ally sharpened bicycle spokes. Nobody 
asked why he was going to do this. It 
would have been a hard question to 
answer. The crowd wanted deeds of des- 
peration and sordid grit, not intelligence. 
An Oriental guy—of course—swabbed 
Miller's arms with alcohol. 

That afternoon, 1 had gone with Dave 
to get the necessary paraphernalia. Dave 
was the kind who figured that if he 
couldn't be big, he could be bad and went 
at it systematically—the Army, Ranger 
School, Pathfinder School, Vietnam, a 
dozen martial arts with names like Korean 
breakfast cereals, knife fighting, all the 
usual trinkets. S.O.F. attracts large, tot- 
tery egos. Dave and I got along. He 
explained that you couldn't use rope to 
pull the truck, because it stretched and 
somchow tore the muscles. You needed 
fabric. So we went to a fabric boutique, 
where the nicest young man, appalled, 
asked, “What do you gentlemen need?” 

Counseling, I thought. 

There we were, in worn tiger stripes and 
jungle boots, bush-hatted, with vicious 
specialty knives hanging low on our hips, 
all sorts of commando badges and para- 
military nonsense stuck to us. We looked 
like stamp collections. 

“We'd like to sce some cloth.” 

He brought us a hank, or whatever you 
call it, of lavender-flowered stuff, where- 
upon Dave told me to hold one end and, 
unrolling 20 feet, began violently pulling 
on the other end like a fra badger to 
see whether or not it would stretch. The 
© young man nearly went crazy. 

Back on the parking lot, the Oriental 
pushed two bicycle spokes through Dave's 
flesh (“Ooooh! Ooooh!) and connected 
the cloth to the bumper. Meanwhile, a 
in had been added. The truck was on 
boards like rails so that it would roll 
across some guy's stomach to show how 
tough he was. Miller went “Unngh! 


Ughh!" and pulled like hell. The truck . . . 
yes... no... yes . . . rolled slowly onto 
the guy's stomach and stopped 
there. Miller had guts but no mass. The 
guy under the tuck was real 
unhappy. Nobody had said anything 
about parking the goddamn thing on him. 


He hollered in a rising scream, 
“Oaghgeütofgetoflgetitoff!” and М 
(“Ungh! Ungh!) tied. — Nothing. 
Donovan the Man Mountain walked over, 
gave the tail gate a little tap and it shot off. 
the guy like a squeezed watermelon seed. 

Not everyone takes this stuff’ seriously. 
At the first conve n Columbia, Mis- 
uri, I and the usual bunch of camou- 
1 impostors had walked downtown 
one night in search ofa bar. A college girl, 
not too impressed, asked, “Why are you 
wearing that silly stuff? 

“It’s camouflage,” 1 said, “so we'll be 
invisible.” 


“Oh,” she said. “I thought you were a 
potted plant. 

E 

One day I went to work and saw some- 
one looking at а peculiar piece of wreck- 
age. Morc stuff from Uncle Dafly's Used 
Helicopter Lot? No. It was a Nikon, s 
tered in a way that didn't make obviou 
sense. A piece of leather had been driven 
into the lens barrel and stopped where the 
mirror usually is. 

Brown had gone to Rhodesia and left 
his camera bag in a shop—which you 
don't do in times of terrorism. The shop- 
girl, reasonably enough, had called the 
bomb squad. Those gentlemen had tied a 
long piece of горе to the strap, pulled the 
bag carefully into the street, wrapped it in 
detonation cord —TNT rope, sort of— 
and blown hell out of Bob's camera. He 
now owned the only Nikon in the world 
with the case on the inside. 

б 

For a while, Bro 
alism. Surv 
of burrowing into Utah with radiation 
suits and submachine guns, awaiting 
nuclear holocaust. They do not so much 
fear an atomic war as hope for one, so that 
they can Survive It, making them the only 
people on earth with a vested interest in 
atomic war. There are entire colonies of 
these squirrels out West, filling their base- 
ments with beans packed in carbon diox- 
ide and arming themselves. 

Brown briefly put out a magazine called 
Survive, which didn't. It folded partly 
because of amateurish management and 
partly because survivalists are too para- 
noid to let their addresses go on a mailing 
list. Survive magazine croaked early, 
remembered chiefly for its cover photo ofa 
cow in a gas mask. 

Anyway, Bob decided to build a surviv- 
al shelter. He duly found some land and 
had a phenomenally expensive bunker 
started. He did this with his patented tight 
secrecy, which meant that everybody in 
Boulder was talking about it, except to 
Bob, because people knew he wanted it to 
be secret. He began choosing people who 
would go into it and survive while every- 
body сїзє bubbled into grease and flowed 
away in the gutters. He approached those 
clect—I wasn't one—and said approxi- 
mately, “Are you saved?” Then he told 
them about Bob’s Box. Someone calcu- 
lated that six times as many were saved as 
would fit in the shelter. 

Unfortunately, it seems that the floor 
had been badly poured: Water leaked in. 
And it turned out that the water was alka- 
line, Bob was the only survivalist in Amer- 
ica whose survival shelter contained six 
inches of poisoned water. 

. 

One time, Colonel Kangaroo and his 
madmen were playing war in El Salvador. 
(War in Central America is great for 
S.O.F., because there isn't any jet lag.) 
They were out drinking one night with one 


n espoused surviv- 


alists are the folk who dream 


DY y ) 


“Excuse те; is this smoking or nonsmoking?” 


PLAYBOY 


of the Salvadoran battalions, and thi 
were getting woozy and intimat 
isn't viewed as foreign press; it is part of 
the war effort, so its reporters get to go 
places other reporters will never see. So 
pretty soon it was amigo this and amigo 
that, with all the intense comradeship of a 
war zone, and the wiry brown captain said 
to someone whom I will call Bosworth, 
“Come, amigo, 1 show you something very 
dear.” 

The captain proudly flung open a long 
blue cabinet, revealing row after row of 
preserved skulls. It seemed that the bat- 
talion contained a lot of Indians who 
hadn't lost their folkways—taking heads, 
mple. The captain grinned like a 
showing his rock collection. Bos- 
worth was charmed: This was the kind of 
thing he could appreciate. Why, the skulls 
even had painted on them the names of 
their former owners. “Wonderful!” he 
said, warmth overwelling him. 

“You like?” said the captain. "I give 
you!” Whereupon he handed Bosworth a 
pair of gaping beauties. 

So Bosworth went back to the party 
holding Pancho and José in his hands and 


announced that he was not to be parted 
from his skulls. He meant to go through 
life with them. Brown, no fool, stared with 
an “Oh, shit? expression, foresecing prob- 
Jems in the afterworld. Customs, for 
example. (These? Oh, I found them. No, 
nothing was in them.”) How do you get 
human skulls into the U.S.? 

Finally, they came up with an idea, 
They mailed them to Bosworth with a 
note, “This is what happens to you if you 
come back to our country. jViva la 
revolución! Partido Comunista.” 

D 

I once went to Powder Springs, Geor- 
gia, to cover Mitchell WerBell's Cobray 
counterterrorism-training school for the 
magazinc. WerBell, who died in 1983, was 
a legend in the mercenary racket, veteran 
of obscure wars back when there really 
were mercenaries, and he had retired toa 
small palatial mansion 

Cobray purported to teach the death- 
dealing arts to professionals—who, in 
fact, would already know them. For sev- 
eral thousand dollars, the student got a 
week or so of training in the arcana of the 
new antichivalry. The instructors—I got 


“Ahh, the sun is shining, the birds are 
singing, the flowers are blooming. . . . 1 feel so good, I 
could nuke Nicaragua.” 


to know them— were real, but the courses 
weren’t quite, which didn't matter at all to 
the students. In the morning. they got 
Introduction to Small Arms (“The bullet 
comes out of this little hole here. Point it 
somewhere else”), and in the afternoon, 
they got Advanced Small Arms and Snip- 
ing. Subjects like those take months of 
study. 

So I landed, was met by a former S.F. 
colonel and went to watch the classes. 
Among the students were a podiatrist 
from Miami, God help us, and his wife 
and two bratty teenagers. 

1 saw what had happened. Too many 
ycars of serenity and other people's feet 
had gouen to him. He, like the S.O.F. 
readers, wanted a taste of dark, adrenal- 
soaked desperation before arthritis set 
in—his quarter hour with mortar flares 
flickering in low-lying clouds like the face 
of God and the nervous click of safetics 
coming off along the wire, pokketa, pokketa. 
So here he was, $12,000 poorer, with a tol- 
ed kids in Calvin Klein 
ht Patrolling. Women 


erant wife and be 
jeans, learning 
put up with a lot. 

When | got there, Footman and the 
Powder Puffs had already studied Hand- 
to-Hand Death Dealing. The instructor, 
Marvin Tao, had told Footman that he 
had an unusually good radish position, or 
some such Oriental-sounding thing. This 
consisted of standing sort of knock-kneed 
and pigcon-toed, while turning the palms 
out and bending forward. Marvin 
couldn't have been serious. Anyway, Foot- 
man was charmed, because here was 
something he could do. A genuine Martial 
Artist from Hong Kong said so. So every 
time I turned around, there he was—bent 
over, pigeon-toed and grunting danger- 
ously. 

All this yo-yo needs, I thought, is a 
string. 


. 

Three лм. at Scottsdale. Most of the 
conventioners had turned in. Brown and a 
few cronies sat by the blue glow of the 
pool, drinking and telling war stories. 
“Remember that hooker with three 
thumbs in Siem Reap? “So Barstow 
stood on a moving tank at Pleiku and 
shot at a dog with an А.К. Fell on his 
head, tried to get disability. ..." “What- 
ever happened to Jag Morris? I heard he 
got it in the head north of Au Phuc 
Dup. . . .” Adventurers at least have 
stories to tell. 

Green smoke was pouring out of one 
window and somebody was getti 
to rappel from another. I said 
with it” and turned in. A mufiled thump- 
thump meant that Brown was firing his 
45 underwater, 

A bit later, I woke up: Derck was hand- 
ing me an FN rifle, “Found it,” he 
and walked off, talking to Saint Michael. 1 
curled around it and went to sleep. It 
made as much sense as anything else. 


INTENTIONAL PASS tontinued fron page 8) 


“You were very nice to me, and so was everybody 


else. Except that bitch you married. 


7 


I spend my days. And how lucky I have 
been. Pve got almost everything I wanted, 
being in the right place at the 

“I didn't ever think that things would 
turn out so well,” she said. “I hoped they 
would, but I never dared to believe it. The 
first time I saw the Atlantic Ocean was 
when I came east to go to Georgetown. 
And I will tell you, Paul: I was scared. I 
may've acted like 1 thought Га been 
everywhere and knew everything, but 
inside I was a California girl estranged 
from her friendly surroundings, in the 
wicked East, where everyone was mean.” 

“I wasn't mean to you,” he said 

She reached across the tablecloth and 
patted his left hand. “No,” she said, “you 
weren't. You were very nice to me, and so 
was everybody else. Except that bitch you 
married.” 

"Well," he said, smiling, “she was jeal- 
ous of you.” 

“T know that,” she said. “That was 
obvious. But why should she've been jeal- 
ous of me? Should've been the other way 
around. She took you away from те.” 

“Not fair," he said. “You and I'd come 
to the fork in our road the previous spring. 
I was a free agent the summer I met 
Denise.” 

"I know it," she said. “Why'd we do 
that, anyway?” 

“You mean, ‘Why did I do that?" he 
said, smiling. 

She shrugged. “Whatever,” she said. 

“Reason escapes me now,” he said. “It 
escaped me when it happened, far as that 
goes. І locked up and you were gone. 
Probably second-year tension. ‘Now they 
know torts—lets see how they handle 
rank anxicty.’” 

“Uh-uh,” she said. “It was something 
more than that. When I came back that 
fall, after a perfectly rotten summer, I 
knew Га made a mistake. But then I saw 
you with that stupid look on your face. I 
got rattled, Did not know what to do. So I 
didn’t do anything. I knew it was really 
over then.” 

“Well,” he said, “something else’d 
started, but it wasn't permanent then. 
That didn’t happen till the following 
spring. Nothing elsed intervened, so 1 
decided that was it. Denise was the real 
thing. And for the next fourteen years, she 
eat 

“So what the hell happened? Between 
the two of you, I mean." 

“Oh,” he said, “I don't know. It’s 
either a very long story or a very short 
one. Usual thing, I suppose, People not 

aying attention. 

“You don’t want to tell me,” she said. 
He gazed at her, “No, I don’t,” he said. 


“But it’s not personal. It’s just very com- 
plicated and I don't want to tell anybody. 
It was bad at the end. The end was a long 
time coming. I like it better over. Talking 
about it revives it. So, can 1 be excused?” 

She nodded. The sommelier appeared, 
silently poured the rest of the chardonnay 
into their glasses and silently went away. 
“I guess you'll have to be,” she said. “It’s 
just that it came as such a shock to me 
when I called you in Concord, thinking 
the best I could hope for'd be a couple of 
quick drinks and a kiss on the cheek, and 1 
got her on the phone and she told me. 1 
even said it to her, how surprised I was.” 

“And how did she take that?” he said. 

“Oh,” she said, “very well, actually. 
Entirely cool about it. ‘No,’ she said, ‘he 
isn't here. The master’s in his own apart- 
ment. You can reach him there.’ And then 
gave me your number and graciously 
hung up. I don’t think 1 would’ve been 
quite so pleasant if our positions were 
reversed.” 

“No,” he said. “Well, you always were 
the more aggressive type.” 

She chuckled. “J think Pl let that one 
pass," she said. "You're enjoying your 
work, and your life?” 

“To a degree,” he id. “The work 
more than the life—its much better 
organized these days.” He frowned. He 
looked down into his lap and picked up 
the pink linen napkin. He crumpled it and 


put it on the table. He smiled. “Га rather 
hear about your life than talk about mine. 
You're circumnavigating the globe, hob- 
nobbing with prime ministers, making 
buckets of money and having lots of fun? 

She sat back in the banquette and 
smiled and nodded at him, “That's a good 
capsule description,” she said. She drew a 
deep breath. “Two years after we gradu- 
ated, I was living in Paris. At the Crillon. 
At the expense of Damon Steel. A year 
later, Baltimore Offshore was picking up 
my tabs at the London Savoy and then at 
the Excelsior in Rome. I spent most of my 
partnership year working out of my suite 
at the Plaza, overlooking Central Park 
while I worked on the NDT take-over. 
And the next two years, when I wanted a 
vacation from the work I was doing for 
NDT in the Far East, I took the planes 
from Hong Kong to New Zealand or 
Hawaii on their credit cards. 

“I can tell you,” she said, “anything 
you want to know about hotels in Zurich, 
restaurants in Florence, how to survive in 
Brussels when your luggage’s been stolen 
and where to get a cold beer in 
Edinburgh. I know all about rental cars in 
Austria and layovers in Karachi, and 
there are a couple or three things you 
shouldn't do if you don't want to be 
delayed changing planes in Athens. 

“Now Pm here in Boston,” she said. 
“Back on Offshore’s budget for the next 
six months or so. I wear out luggage left 
and right, but my life has not been dull.” 

“You've been around,” he said. 

“Is that a crack?” she said. 

“No,” he said, “I envy you. You've 
made a lot of money, and you've had a 
good time.” 

“Well,” she said, “but haven't you? I 


Ç evee TIME X meer Tee 
INTERESTING GUY HE'S EITHER 
MARRIED, GAY, oR д WEREWOLF: 
Ü dL) 


155 


PLAYBOY 


156 


mean, aside from the divorce and that 
unpleasantness? You're a Federal judge. 
Lots of people think that's close to the top 
of the profession. What the brightest law- 
yers want and the best lawyers get. You 
can still enjoy your kids, even if you don't 
live with them. And because you don't, 
you’ve got your privacy. Why not make 
the most of it?” 

He hesitated. “Pm pretty busy,” he 
said. “Pm aware most of the lawyers're 
convinced that hearing cases from the 
bench is a lot easier than presenting them 
in the pit, but in most instances they're 
wrong. I work most evenings at the office, 
and then I take work home.” 

“Don’t you ever hear appeals?” she said 
softly, lowering her head so that she 
looked at him through her lashes. 

He grinned. “I’m a trial judge, Sally,” 
he said. “Not an appellate judge. 

“OK, then,” she said, “motions for new 
trials. Petitions for rehearing of old mat- 
ters improvidently handled, with new evi- 
dence discovered.” She gazed steadily at 
him. 

He broke eye contact. He cleared his 
throat and played with the heavy silver- 
ware. “Next Tuesday,” he said, “Fm sen- 
tencing Johnny Hadley. Two uncut kilos 
of cocaine. He is going to do some time. 
Manis forty-eight years old. Has a second 
family, three kids under twelve and a very 
worried wife, but he is going to go away." 

“Should I know this man?" she said. 
“Name is not familiar.” 

“Мо, vou never did like baseball," he 
said. "Unless you followed baseball 
closely, vou would not know him.” 

“He was a ballplayer?” she said. 

“Used to be,” he said. “1 first saw him 
play in high school, three years ahead of 
me. It was an intimidating experience. 

“My father, in addition to being a math 
teacher, was a baseball coach,” he said. 
“He was when he got to Norwood, at 
least, when I was about to turn thirteen. 
The old coach'd retired, and when they 


offered Dad the teaching position, at 
about fifty-two hundred a year, they also 
told him there was another six hundred 
bucks in the hamper for him if he coached 
the baseball team. That was serious 
money back then, in the early Fifties, and 
my father loved baseball. Shortstop. Let- 
tered all four years at Holy Cross. Proba- 
bly could’ve made it to the high minors if 
Hirohito hadn’t taken it into his head to 
listen to his chiefs of staff and bomb Pearl 
Harbor the December before Dad gradu- 
ated. Time the war was over, Dad was 
twenty-six, which is a little late to start a 
baseball career; and when you've been a 
combat infantryman and you've come 
home mostly whole, baseball probably 
isn’t tops on your list of priorities. He got 
married instead. 

“So far as I know,” Mariani said, “the 
only time I ever disappointed my father— 
until 1 got divorced, of course—was when 
what he saw rne doing in the infield when I 
was about fourteen made it impossible for 
him to pretend any longer that I could 
play ball." 

"He was upset when your marriage 
broke up?" she said. 

“Oh, he was devastated,” Mariani said. 
"Absolutely destroyed. He still is. He's 
forgiven me now, I think, but he still can’t 
quite get it out of his mind that I did 
something the Church forbids. Which is 
important to him, what the Church for- 
bids. I take the boys down for dinner 
every so often, family gatherings and that 
sort of thing, and mv sisters're there with 
their husbands and kids, and my father 
has to work very hard to pretend the 
group's complete. But he does it. He man- 
ages it better than he did concealing his 
feelings about my fielding when I tried out 
for his varsity team. 

“We can joke about it now,” he said. 
“When Tom Flanders had his strokc and 
the Senator put my name in for the court 
and the whole thing finally went through, 
l called up Dad and said, ‘See? Just like 


you did, when I was a kid. The 
on the bench.” And he sai 
something? I used to think God got it 
backward when He gave you your moth- 
er's athletic ability and my brains, but 
now I can see He was right.” 

“When the Hadley case hit my desk,” 
he said, “the first thing I thought of was 
it couldn't be the same guy. Must be 
‘idence. But it wasn't. Неа been 
arraigned before the magistrate, and the 
first time 1 saw him was when his lawyer, 
who’s a boob, moved to reduce bail. Now, 
bail was set at fifty К. This guy lives in 
Florida, hop, skip and a jump from some 
Central American banana republic that 
doesn't extradite. The nose candy he sold 
to the agents was worth maybe a mill on 
the street. And he’s griping about fifty K 
bail? The nerve of this cuckoo. So we dis- 
posed of that matter in short order, and I 
said, ‘Off the record. Mr. Hadley, are you 
the same Johnny Hadley who pitched for 
Natick back in the early Fifti 
looked sort of sheepish and sai 

“There are levels in 
Mariani said. “There are levels in the 
game we play, and levels in every other 
game. When I was working for the Sena- 
tor, doing what I did, I knew I was very 
good. I was good at that. But I also knew 
that there were four or five other guys who 
worked for different Senators who were 
better than I was. I could beat them, now 
and then, but I had to stay up lots later 
and мој Jot harder and then catch them 
by surprise. It was very hard to do that, 
and I didn’t succeed very often. 

“It’s the same thing in baseball,” he 
said. “Johnny Hadley simply played base- 
ball on a higher level than I did. Six or 
seven levels higher. But we both had to 
play on the same fields, under the same 
rules. So he would always win. And then, 
when he got into the seventh level, the 
majors, he was just barely good enough. 

“Johnny Hadley,” Mariani said, “al- 
most singlehandedly beat my father's 
first two teams out of league champion- 
ships. Norwood played home-and-home 
with N: n those years at the end of the 
season, and Dad's first year they were 
going pretty well. Came into the last two 
weeks the first season needing only a split 
10 tie for first. Two wins gave them the tro- 
phy. When my dad's team got off the bus 
for the first game, there was the Natick 
coach throwing batting practice to his 
team. He was a former high-minors 
player. He could throw very hard. My 
father expected to see him grooving the 
pitches for his kids. And that was what he 
did, until this rangy, six-two, fifteen-year- 
old junior stepped in, ‘Guy cut loose,’ Dad 
said. ‘I stood there and I could not believe 
it. Was he trying to ruin the kid’s confi- 
dence, and just before the game? And then 
I saw the kid's swing. Level as a table and 
the bat speed was terrific. And 1 said to 
myself, **Oh-oh, we are in for it, I think.” 
And we were.” 


“Hadley pitched the first game that 
year,” Mariani said. “He walked nine, but 
he struck out sixteen—they played seven- 
inning games—and he drove in six runs. 
Natick won, seven-zip. The next week, 
Hadley played outfield at Norwood; drove 
in three with two home runs and beat Dad 
three to two. 

“Next year, same thing,” Mariani said. 
“End of the season rolls around, the two 
teams are tied for first. Hadley threw a 
two-hitter at Dad’s team in the first game 
at Natick, hit two homers to win four-one. 
Second game, at Norwood, Hadley played 
outfield, drove in six runs, Natick eight to 
four. Dad came home that night and said, 
‘You know what I am going to do? I am 
going to send that kid a savings bond 
when he graduate: 
With it I enclose a 
card: “Glad to sce 


the last of you. 
Please do not come 
back.” 

“The Cubs 
signed Hadley out 
of high school," 
Mariani said. 


“There was a story 
in the paper about 
how he got the 
bonus, which today 
would be pocket 
change, and a lot 
of optimistic stufi 
about how he'd be 
out of double A and 
into the majors in a 
couple years. I 
envied that kid so 
much. 1 would've 
given my left ball to 
be in Johnny 
Hadley’s shoes." 

“Careful. she 
said. “Let’s not be 
reckless here.” 

“Then, 1 
would've," Mariani 
said. "Now I cer- 
tainly would not. 
Just let me finish 
here. 

"After Hadley’s 
lawyer gave his spiel 
to cut the bail and I denied motion, I 
called a short гсссзз and had counscl in 
the lobby. Because I’ve learned from the 
other judges that the first thing you do, if 
you want to keep your calendar moder- 
ately up to date, is hammer the opposing 
parties every chance you get, maybe 
induce a plea. The woman from the U.S. 
Attorney's oflice has a well-deserved repu- 
tation for being a hardass. Hadley's law- 
yer is a guy named Holgate who I didn’t 
know before and don't wish to know bet- 
ter. She said she'd be looking for fifteen on 
a plea. He looked at her like he smelled 
something that he didn’t like. Then he 
looked at me. 

“Your Honor,’ he said, “did you ever 


play baseball? I admitted I had tried 
"Well, he said, “as your Honor is aware, 
my client was a very good ballplayer. For 
several major-league teams 
1 told him I knew that,” Mariani said. 
“I knew it because I had mentioned the 
case to my father, who'd followed his 
career and had the books at hand. “Four- 
teen years in the bigs,’ he said. ‘Cubs 
traded him to the Dodgers in Nineteen 
fifty-three. Dodgers brought him up, mid- 
dle Nineteen fifty-four. Two-ninety-two, 
eleven homers, forty-nine R.B.Ls. Next 
season: three-oh-four, twenty-one homers, 
seventy-eight R.B.1.s? And so on with the 
stats. Traded to the Phillies, winter *Fifty- 
seven. Two-ninety-eight. Twenty-one, 
ixty-eight R.B.Ls. “Fifty-nine, Phillies— 


8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky, 


KENTUCKY STRAGHT BOURBON WHISKEY AUSTIN NICHOLS DSTILUNG CO, LANRENCEBURG KY © 1926 


Cards. Threc-oh-five, nineteen, seventy- 
cight. Stays there бус years, two-ninety— 
three-ten, around two dozen homers 
seventy, eighty ribbics 

“Cincinnati, "Sixty-five. Same kind of 
production. Better 'n most, not as good as 
the best. Stays there another year. Winter, 
He goes skiing in Vermont 
5 knee to shreds. 'Sixty-cight, 
he misses spring training. Late start. 
Traded midseason, back to the Cubs, ош- 
right release. — Retired, Nineteen 
sixt 


vs brother Holgate, Ч don't 
think a jury will convict a guy like that. 
No deal.” 


“So,” Mariani said, “two weeks ago we 


have people doing 
what he did, no 
matter what they've 
done before. 

+ "But thats not 


tricd the case, and the Government had 
him cold. Hand to hand with the junk. He 
had some cockamamie story that he took 
the stand to tell, and the jury had all it 
could do to keep from snickering.” 

“What happened to him?" Deegan 
said. “Why did he do that?” 

"Oh," Mariani said, “money. Greed. 
After he left baseball, he started managing 
a country club outside Orlando. And he’s 
got two kids from his first marriage in col- 
lege and three more coming along. He 
doesn't make that much now and he 
didn't make much then. He played before 
the players on his level made five hundred 
thousand buc 
аге making it, he 
his misfortune to have the ability I never 

had to play baseball 
but to have it too 
soon. It's my misfor- 
tune to have to sen- 
tence him." 

"What are you 
going to do?" she 
said. 

“Wallop him 

id. “1 don't have 
y choice. We can't 


” he 


my point,” he said. 
“There isn’t a scin- 
Ша of doubt in my 
mind that if he had 
that drug transac- 
Чоп to take back 
and mever do it, 
thats what һе 
would do. There 
ismt the slightest 
doubt in my mind 
that if he could 
choose not to go ski- 
ing or choose to be 
born twenty years 
later, that's what he 
would do. Timing 
is everything. Mi 
takes count. You 
have to learn both 
things.” 
“You're trying to tell me something.” 
Same thing 1 told Mr. Holgate,” he 
said. “Bascball and lives change. Neither 
always for the better. Told him to tell that 
to his client. ‘Life and baseball are alike. 
They are the cruelest sports. What you 
did before you made the mistake, no mat- 
ter how good it was, doesn't matter now. 
Time, hope, regret—they don’t change 
what's gone before. Don't count in either 
game. And no one can go back.’ 
“You follow me?” he said. 
She plucked the napkin out of her lap 
and dropped it onto the table. “Well,” she 
said, “I did this time. I won't do it again.” 


157 


PLAYBOY 


158 


FIGHT BY NIGHT ue 


“Опе of our drivers got caught in a shoot-out. The 


dispatcher told him to duck and just keep driving. 


2» 


“Speak of the Devil,” says Robinson at an 
industrial park as a Federal truck pulls out. 
as he shoots in. Then he takes careful aim 
with an imaginary riflc. 

Its 4:50 when Robinson finally tears 
into thc garage at Airborne's "Tucson 
International Airport headquarters, beat- 
ing his five-P.N. deadline by a handy ten 
minutes. Here, his pickups will join more 
than 200 parcels brought in by the 11 
other "Tucson-based drivers. Tucson, like. 
Las Vegas, is an Airborne satellite outpost 
for the region's main station in Phoenix, 
connected to it by the dual-engine Cessna 
idling on the runway. 

Precisely at 5:40, this feeder plane lands 
in Phoenix, where its pay load is quickly 
unloaded, then, along with the Las Vegas 
and Phocnix cargo, repacked into a silver 
Airborne DC-9 sky freighter. In the 
gleaming twilight waits the competition: 
United Parcel Service's brown-white-and- 
gold Boeing 747, Emery's red-and-white 
Boeing 727, Federal Express’ purple- 
orange-and-white DC-10—all poised on 
the tarmac, about to engage in the final leg 
of the nightly battle for overnight-delivery 
supremacy. 

“Ivs a war. It’s a dogfight—a shoot-out 
in the sky,” says an Airborne executive. 
“We've got to get better, more efficient, 
faster all the time. Although we've never 
had a losing quarter, the competition is 
always closing in for the kill.” 

‘The murderous metaphor is no exagger- 
ation. is, after all, is shakeout time in 
the overnight-express business, complete 
with a slowdown in growth, price wars 
and severe austerity programs. Ten years 
ago, this six-billion-dollar industry did 
not exist. Its rocket growth has been pred- 
icated on entrepreneurial daring and 
marketing strategies that have made 
advertising history and technological 
breakthroughs. It has also profoundly 
reoriented the way people do business. 
But little of it comes e; 

“If you don't provide the service, 
adios,” says Robert Brazier, president of 
Airborne. “This has become a commodity 
business where you're only as good as 
your last delivery.” Brazicr sits in his 
office at Airborne's Seattle corporate 
headquarters, fully aware that a lot of peo- 
ple think his company is on the ropes. 
He's read the articles with headlines such 
as “OVERNIGHT-MAIL FIRMS FACE SUNSET.” He 
knows what he’s up against. 

“We've got U.P.S. on one hand offering 
everybody a low price,” Brazier says, 
“and on the other end, Federal Express 
saying they offer the best service. We're in 
the middle. We price close to U.P.S. and 


about match Federal’s service. Now, if 
Federal and U.P.S. go after cach other,” 
admits Brazier, “we could get hurt pretty 
bad if we're not quick on our fect.” 

Some Wall Street savants believe that 
companies such as Airborne, no matter 
how fast they run, risk the fatal crunch ofa 
squeeze play. “This could easily become а 
two-company business," predicts John V. 
Pincavage of PaineWebber. “Nobody else 
has the combination of efficiency and mass 
of Federal Express. And U.P.S. is like an 
M-60 tank coming over the hill. It's a five- 
billion-dollar company—it has the re- 
sources for the long haul." 

Federal Express’ competitors have more 
than it and U.P.S. to blame for the stormy 
skies. The cloudy forecast is partly due to 
market maturation. A few years ago, 
deliveries could be counted on to increase 
by 35 percent or more. Now predictions 
for growth in the next five years hover 
closer to 15 percent. In most industries, 
that’s a healthy rate; not in these air wars, 
where the increased number of competi- 
tors means a smaller slice of the pie for 
everyone. Adding to the slowdown are 
businesses that, after tallying up the bills, 
have become somewhat circumspect 
about what truly has to be there abso- 
lutely positively overnight. 

Even Federal Express has had its wings 
trimmed just a little; it took a bath 
recently on its electronic-mail service, 
ZapMail. Yet with more than 37 percent 
of the express-mail market, it is the sole 
player relatively assured of a profitable 
future, though it, too, must play lean and 
mean to stay sky bound. And that requires 
speed afoot—on the ground. 

. 

There are an estimated 500 drivers— 
U.P.S., Purolator's, Federal's, Emery's, 
Airborne's among them—dueling for 
Manhattan every working дау. 

“The day's just starting,” says Richie 
Diana, “and already I’m sweating bul- 
lets,” Armed with several packs of Kent 
IIIs and a bottle of Excedrin, Airborne 
driver Diana races through the maze of 
Midtown Manhattan, the bane of traffic 
cops and the target of violation-mad meter 
maids. He'll make roughly the same num- 
ber of stops as his Arizona counterparts 
but will cover a fraction of the distance. 

It helps that the liveried doormen at the 
city’s most fashionable addresses a 
to know Diana, letting him in qui 
save precious time. For his part, 
revels in these upscale environs. 


Frank 
Giflord was here yesterday,” he confides, 


taking the escalator two steps at a time up 
to Lina Lee, a plush boutique in Trump 


‘Tower. “Wait until you see the guy at the 
desk in this place,” he says, entering the 
casting agency for Miami Vice after a regu- 
lar stop at IDANT, a sperm bank. 

Back on the street, Diana hooks up with 
another Airborne truck driver, Richie 
Tynan, who works the morning deliveries. 
They break for coffee at Burger Heaven. 
‘Tynan used to be an Airborne bike boy, 
tooling on a bicycle equipped with an 
oversized silver box, hazardous work but 
duly rewarded. In New York, Airborne is 
a Teamster shop, and even bike boys make 
upwards of $30,000. 

“Catch that traffic,” says Diana, point- 
ing toward a full-tilt, horn-blaring grid- 
lock mess. "In winter, forget about 
it—you take your life in your hands. And 
out of the truck, some places are a real 
hassle. Try figuring out Sloan-Kettering 
Hospital. One pickup at Bloomingdale's 
on the seventh floor through that mob can 
take half an hour.” 

Diana and Tynan part company at the 
loading zonc, in the shadow of AT&T's 
massive neoclassic headquarters, then 
Diana heads off for an afternoon of pick- 
ups. "Down on Canal Street yesterday, 
one of our drivers got caught in a shoot- 
out," says Diana, crossing the 59th Street 
Bridge on his way to. Kennedy Airport 
later. “The dispatcher told him to duck 
and just keep driving.” 


At Airtorne’s Kennedy Airport ware- 
house, 7500 parcels—Diana’s pickups, 
along with those of 115 drivers and 39 bike 
messengers—will be hurriedly loaded 
onto the waiting DC-9. There's not much 
chattcr—this is deadline business. “We 
don't have much leeway,” says the dis- 
triet-operations manager, Bill Blackford. 
“If we're late with deliveries, our custom- 
ers are all over us like a cheap suit.” 

Three thousand miles away, on the 
other coast, an Airborne sky freighter 
laden with 15 tons of cargo lifts off the run- 
way at Los Angeles International Airport 
and heads toward cruising altitude. “You 
have to approach cach flight as a mis- 
sion,” says Captain Carl Cross, setting the 
automatic pilot. “Six years ago, with 
another air-freight company, I'd go to 
Little Rock, Memphis, St. Louis, Chicago 
and then reverse it every night—cight to 
ten hours a night in a small twin-engine 
airplane. Га go from icing conditions at 
night to thunderstorms in the carly morn- 
ing. One time I asked this old guy sweep- 
ing the hangar if I could borrow his 
broom. I took the handle and beat the ice 
off the wings. He said, ‘You going back 
up?" I said, ‘Yeah,’ He just took his broom 
and walked off, shaking his head.” 

Gross doesn’t make ten stops a night 
anymore—maybe only four or six—but 
he’s still racing the clock on a schedule 
that begins early in the evening and 
docsn’t end until way past daybreak. 
“There’s a lot of things you can get away 
with flying at night that you can't during 


the day,” says Cross, smiling. “The 
absence of passengers makes flying a lot 
more fun. Freight doesn’t talk back. A 
Republic Airlines captain once hitched a 
ride with us and his eyes got big as plates. 
He couldn't believe we flew the plane the 
way it’s designed to be flown.” 

The first destination of Cross and the 
rest of the Airborne fleet roaring through 
the darkness tonight is the company’s air- 
port hub in Wilmington, Ohio, a former 
Strategic Air Command base and a cow 
town the freight dogs call Hooterville 
Airborne is the only air courier that owns 
an airport—a crucial timesaver. No stack- 
ups at Hooterville during the post- 
midnight hours of frenzy—this is a facility 
ned expressly for express. 

Usually it’s no problem hauling 15 tons 
of express mail, executing the perfect 
slam-dunk landing on the giant cross of 
runway lights. But once in a while it gets 
hairy. Thats when express-mail pilots 
carn their pay. The technical term for it is 
Category II, which means vicious weather 
and ground visibility down to 1200 feet. 

While the pilots chill out at Marvin's, 
the on-base spoon, with its 
crummy rec-room paneling, fluorescence 
and Formica, a small assault army autacks 
their sky freighters, In the glare of white 
light and equipped with giant forklifts and 
conveyors, Airborne's troops rush to 
unload the cargo and route it to the giant 
sort center. One section of this vast ware- 
house is dedicated to hazardous mate- 
rials— everything from the combustible to 
the radioactive. Specially trained person- 
nel ensure that restricted goods are pack- 
aged according to the Federal aviation 
code. On occasion, the hazardous-ma- 
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the gorillas on their way toa reunion with 
their mother at the Omaha Zoo, 

Like Federal Express’ hub in Memphis, 
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ton, Airborne’s hub is within 600 miles of 
more than two thirds of the nation’s popu- 
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regardless of origin or destination, pass 
through here. Even an overnight letter 
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through the Wilmington hub. That cre- 
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“We had a plane crap out in Greens- 
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talkie onto his belt. “We had to 
send a backup out of here, and thats 
going to make the whole system late.” 
Poynter, a former trouble shooter for 
U.P.S. who runs the sort center, is con- 
stantly racing the catwalks of this giant 
maze, overseeing the movement of tens of 
thousands of parcels. Right now, he's just 
ош of his nightly logistics meeting, and 
there's a. problem. Poynter knows he can 
handle tonight's crisis—there is some lee- 
way in the system that allows for the inevi- 
table mechanical or weather problem in 
the network. But it does mean that the 


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bike boy on Wall Streetand the driver out 
in the desert may have to pump extra hard 
to make delivery deadlines. Of tomorrow's 
deliveries, 96 percent will be made before 
noon, which is no small feat considering 
the variables involved in keeping the sys- 
tem goosed and greased. 

Operating an airline such as Airborne 
or Federal Express is an expensive propo- 
sition. Prior to the landmark airlme 
deregulation of 1978, freight forwarders— 
middlemen shipping freight on commer- 
cial planes—were not allowed to own 
more than ten percent of an airline; after, 
they could purchase their own aircraft. 
New planes, however, don’t come cheap. 
The Airborne fleet—20 DC-9s, four 
DG-8s and 11 Nihon YS 11 turboprops— 
is ancient in aviation terms. The DC-8 

vas introduced more than a quarter of a 
century ago, the DC-9 a few years later, 
and flying in a noisy YS 11 is something 
out of Terry & the Pirates. These plane: 
may be gas guzzlers, but they arc also reli- 
able and can be bought cheap on the open 
market. A new cargo plane, such as a 
Boeing 757PF, can cost $40,000,000; a 
used DC-9 can be bought and refurbished 
for less than $10,000,000. Hence, Air- 
borne’s estimated start-up costs were at 
Icası $100,000,000—a sizable gamble to 
catch up with Federal, which already had 
a five-year head start. “I was dead set 
against it,” remembers Robert Cline, then 
Airborne's chief financial officer and cur- 
rently its chairman and C.E.O. “This 
was dumb. We had a capital base of 


$30,000,000 and we were talking about 
spending $85,000,000 just 10 buy 
aircraft.” 


“It was hard for us to believe initially 
there were so many people willing to pay 
so much more to move a document over- 
night,” adds Brazier. But his perception of 
the market soon changed. It was time to 
do battle, he argued, Quickly 

Tn 1980, when Airborne decided to take 
the plunge and go after Federal—far and 
away the industry leader, thanks to Feder- 
al's founder and guru, Fred Smith—it was 
faced with not only an enormous capital 

nvestment but added competition. Fellow 
freight forwarder Emery, also worried 
about being left behind, had entered the 
business. 

Initially, the new competitors took their 
blows. Emery's long-term debt as it 
entered the express business went from 
zero in 1980 to $70,000,000 in 1981. 
Airbornes earnings plummeted from 
$9,500,000 in 1979 to $3,100,000 in 
1981—a capital investment to transform 
the former SAC base in Wilmington into a 
hub, coupled with the purchase of a fleet 
of airplanes, almost put the company out 
of business. Little wonder that to this day, 
Brazier says, "I hate airplanes. I hate to 
fly in 'em and 1 hate to own 'em, because 
they're so goddamned expensive.” 

By 198: irborne had righted itself. 


Most of the kinks were out of its system 
and it, along with everyone else, enjoyed a 
growing share of an industry fueled by an 
upswing in the economy. And it didn't 
hurt that some shrewd minds were work- 
ing overtime on Madison Avenue. 

. 

Airborne and the others that entered 
the air-courier field were benefiting from a 
market that Federal Express had in large 
part created by launching and sustaining 
one of the savviest ad campaigns in the 
history of advertising. Federal had not 
only created a new market but had made 
its name synonymous with it. By the time 
the competition geared up, the “abso- 
lutely positively overnight" campaigns 
had made “Federal Express it to me” part 
of business vernacular. Ally & Gargano, 
onc of Madison Avenuc's most innovative 
agencies, orchestrated Federal's pitch to 
perfection, preying on people’s anxiety in 
wailing for crucial deliveries and on the 
rampant mistrust of the U.S. mail. One 
print campaign promised delivery “abso- 
lutely positively untouched by 
ants." Whacked-out commercials, such as 
the one featuring Methedrinc-mouth John 
Moschitta (whom someone at the agency 
had first spoucd on That's Incredible!), 
won awards and customers. 

When Airborne decided to go after Fed- 
it was contacted by Jerry Della 
mina, whose firm, Della Femina 
no and Partners, had worked on 
the Emery campaign. Della Femina rel- 
ished the challenge of topping the work 
he had done for his former client. The 
firm created an Avis-Hertz scenario— 
Airborne/Avis working harder to 
catch Federal/Hertz (Emery was left in 
the dust). A controversial spot declared, 
“Federal is good; that’s wh: borne has 
to be better.” Another said, “We don’t 
talk fast, we move fast." 

On TY alone this year, express couriers 
will shell out more than $100,000,000 
to pitch fast talk and service. But the 
spending spree may be over. With few 
exceptions, express companies are now 
rerouting funds to direct sales and im- 
proved service. “Percolator, Potatolator,” 
Brazier is fond of saying, evoking a recent 
Purolator spot that made fun of the 
company’s name. “There are so many ads 
out there, I don't think anybody can tell 
the difference. What makes you stand out 
is price and the service you provide." 

. 

The same turbulence of buys, sells and 
mergers that has recently affected the 
commercial-airline industry will no doubt 
leave its mark on the sky-bound pony 
express. To survive, Federal’s competitors 
must race to build their package volume 
n order to bring down costs per delivery. 
But as volume grows, they must sink more 
money into capital expenses for equip- 
ment and personnel. 


il serv- 


was 


These days, the smart money is on con- 
solidation of two or more of the air couri- 
ers. There’s a consensus that international 
markets are key to growth, and most of 
the domestic couriers have already made 
moves in that direction. The pos: 
that a foreign courier such as DHL World- 
wide, looking for a strong domestic net- 
work, will acquire Airborne, Emery or 
Purolator is often discussed. In January, 
Australia’s TNT Limited—a giant trans- 
portation conglomerate—acquired 17 
percent of Airborne’s stock, for example. 

“I don't think there's one person in this 
industry who at one time or another 
hasn't talked to the competition,” admits 
Brazier. “A lot of people on the outside 
look at the industry and ask, ‘When is 
[consolidation] going to happen? But 
there’s a lot of ego built into this business 
from the standpoint of saying, “We have 
the capabilities of being a survivor on our 
own. If there's going to be some taking 
done, we'll do the taking." " 

е 

Its 5:30 am. Marvin’s is silent. The 
nightly poker game in the pilots’ lounge 
has broken up. In just the past few hours, 
100,000 parcels haye rolled onto the sort 
center’s Mobius strip of ramps and con- 
veyor belts and have been rerouted to 
Airborne's fleet of planes. 

The sky freighters are casing down the 
runway. Carl Cross and his copilot, Rick 
Spurlock, go through their pretake-off 
check lisis, preparing to fly the last leg to 
New York. Once airborne, the aviators arc 
cager to pick up extra minutes. George, as 
sky truckers call the automatic pilot, is 
doing the flying. Cross removes the silver- 
dollar-size cover on the trim knob at the 
back of the console to reveal a picture of a 
акса woman. “They like to put smile 
stickers on the back of fire levers, тоо,” he 
says. “Just what you want to see when 
your plane catches fire.” 

Cross had to pull all those fire levers 
fast one icy February night. As he flew out 
of Philadelphia with 18,000 pounds of 
cargo, 100 feet alter take-off, both of his 
ics flamed out. A freak occurrence. 
An instant-death scenario. In the six sec- 
onds he had, he made all the right moves 
and crash-landed the plane, smashing the 
landing gear and breaking a wing in two 
the proce: 

Something like that happens, you 
know God has already made up His 
id," says Spurlock. 

“When I saw those emergency fire gu: 
silver suits, I thought, Oh, this is what 
angels look like," remembers Cross. 

Cross and his copilot sustained some 
injuries but managed to walk away from 
the wreckage. “It could have been a lot 
worse,” an air-traffie controller told The 
Philadelphia Inquirer, praising Cross’s 
actions. Yes, agrees Cross, it could have 
been a lot worse. They could have lost the 


cargo. 
Ej 


CBS News 


(continued from page 76) 
voice was Janice Platt’s. She was one of 
the bookers. 

“Shit,” I said. “What now?” 

“They're on G.M.A. second. They don't 
want to do us at all.” 

I was silent. 

“You know what I think?" Janice said. 
“I think we'd never have had this problem 
ifthey'd letus do what Today did—charter 
a planc." 

I went back to the fish bowl to await the 
next bullctin. A few minutes later, Janice 
called again. 

"You want me to still try to book 
them?" 

“Yes,” I said. 

It was the philosophy we all lived by. 
When in doubt, book 'em. In the final 
analysis, you could always canccl, and we 
did. Often. 

By the time I left the newsroom that 
evening at eight o'clock, Dotson and Webb 
had still not agreed to appcar on the show. 
It was decided that two bookers were to. 
show up at the G.M.A. lobby at eight лм 
and try at the last minute to persuade 
Dotson and Webb to appear on CBS, We 
would be third, but we'd known losses of 
pride before on the Morning News. 

My alarm went off at six the next morn- 
ing. I got up and turned on the TV. I had 
logged seven hours of sleep, a blessing. All 
too often, the phone would ring at three 
^M. Some problem had arisen or, worse, a 
celebrity had died—peacefully, presum- 
ably, in his or her bed— in which casc the 
overnight staff would want me to think of 
somcone who could say nice things about. 
the dead person. 

In the taxi, I glanced over the Times 
and the “Life” section of USA Today. 
When I got to the Broadcast Center, the 
usual line of limos was outside thc 
entrance. Guests were emerging, people 
who didn't know me but for whose pres- 
ence there I was partly responsible. An 
odd fecling. On the way, I passed the 
grecnroom, where the guests who'd 
alrcady arrived were being served coffee 
and orange juice. It was always a bizarre 
mix—Senators, actresses, children who 
owed their lives to a medical miracle, ordi- 
nary people caught up in some horrifying 
news event that they were about to share 
with 10,000,000 others. They waited their 
turn to be escorted to the studio, being 
entertained by one of the set decorators, 
Budd Gourmen, who took upon himself 
the role of jester, loosening up our guests 
so that our anchors could freeze them. 

I helped myself to some coffee and went 
into the control room. The director and 
the technicians were in their final stages of 
preparation. Corvo was in his chair, sur- 
rounded by the usual chaos. I settled in 
next to him. 

“Thirty seconds! 
director. 

On the enormous bank of monitors in 


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161 


PLAYBOY 


front of us, I watched Bill and Phyllis 
attach their es and adjust their smiles. 
Some tape was coming over the London 
feed. Charts of mortgage rates covered 
several screens 

“Fifteen seconds!" 

“Quiet” 

Kurtis, sleek and smooth as usual, in 
pale-gray suit and snappy tie, told us what 
was in Store, then tossed to Phyllis, radi- 
ant as always, in a pink dress. Her hair, 
which had been worked on for an hour, 
was perfect. So was her make-up. Her 
checks lit up the morning. She stumbled 
over one tease for an upcoming segment, 
and Kurtis smiled his on-camera forgive- 
ness, then read the news block. 

At7:10, I strapped on a headset to hear 
what Dotson and Webb were saying on the 
Today show. Jane Pauley was doing the 
interview. The couple seemed nervous 
and reticent. Webb looked frumpy in 
a flower-patterned dress, and Dotson 
tugged at his tie. Their lawyers did most of 
the talking. 

During the local cutaway (during which 
affiliates insert local headlines and 
weather), the noise in the control room 
rose again, Two techs were arguing about 
the audio levels. The associate director, 
Eric Siegel, wanted to know where in his 
contract it said that he had to sit next to 
someone who put mayonnaise on a salami 
sandwich. 

“Call for you on 46!” 

I picked up the phone. It was Shari 
Lampert, another booker, who in partner- 
ship with Janice was on the trail of 
Dotson-Webb. She was excited. 

“They said they'll do 

“I'll be tight,” I said, glancing at the 
clock, which showed 7:48. “They haven't 
been on GM.A. yet.” 

“I know,” Shari said breathlessly. 
“They’re on at 8:10. Janice talked to them 
before they went in and they said they'll 
doit” 

“Call for you on 82!” 

“Hold on, Shari,” I said. 

I passed the word to Corvo and 
punched 82. 

“They're going to do it!” Janice 
shrieked. 

“T know,” I said. “Shari’s on the other 
line." 

"Can you believe we're chasing these 
two all over town and this schmeggege 
driver wants to stop for coffee?” 

“Listen up," I said. “As soon as you get 
them in the car, one of you call and let us 
know they're coming. Then take a cab.” 

Joan Lunden did the G.M.A. interview. 
It wasn't any more lively than Today's. 
During the interview, Corvo said. 
way, does Phyllis know anythi 
this?” 

Phyllis had received a background 
packet the night before, which gave her 
the history and outcome of the case, as 
well as a list of suggested questions. 


“Has she read it?” Corvo asked. 

“Shit, David, I guess,” I said. 

Corvo knew better than to take chances. 
At 8:15, between segments, he slid off his 
seat and went back to the studio to make 
sure she'd read it. She had. 

I looked at the clock as the Lunden 
interview ended: 8:17. Our entertainment 
reviewer, Pat Collins, poked Corvo in the 
back. 

“You're bumping me for this?” 

She was only half joking. 

“No, Pat,” he said, “you're still on. 
We're blowing off something else.” 

‘Two minutes later, the phone rang. 

“They're on their way!” Janice yelled. 
"Shari's with them!” 

She hung up, and I let Corvo know, so 
he could change the line-up if necessary. 

Ten minutes later, a page ran in from 
the greenroom, Shari, flushed and breath- 
less, was two paces behind him. It was 
8:33. 

“Take 'em right in," Corvo said. 

Shari darted out to the greenroom, then 
found out that the message had been 
relayed ahead of her. Dotson and Webb 
were already being seated in the studio. 
We could see them on the monitor. Catch- 
ing her breath, Shari began filling me in 
on the details of the chase. Corvo stroked 
his beard and listened, mildly amuscd. 

Janice arrived in the control room just 
as we were coming out ofa commercial. 

“Ready camera опе!” the director 
shouted. “And roll!” 

The cheerful intro music started up and 
the printed title xewsmaker appeared on 
the screen. When the music subsided, 
Phyllis read: 

“For the past two months, we've been 
hearing about the strange case of con- 
victed rapist Gary Dotson and of the 
woman who now says the rape never 
happened—Cathleen Webb. Today, three 
days after Dotson’s sentence was com- 
muted, he and Mrs. Webb are talking to 
each oth public for the first time, and 


they've joined us this morning with their 
lawyers.” 

The camera gave us a group shot as 
Phyllis, underscoring the fact that they'd 
been on other shows before the Morning 
News, said brightly, “Do you all feel like 


Addressing them as if they were young 
lovers, Phyllis continued, “What were the 
first words you said to each other at your 
meeting last night?” 

“I don't remember who spoke first,” 
Webb said, “but I asked for Gary's for- 
giveness and it was given sincerely.” 

“I was nervous,” Dotson said, “but I'm 
glad | met her.” 

“Did you have dinner together?” Phyllis 
asked, continuing the lover theme. 
“No,” they replied in unison. 
"Didn't go that far, ch?” 

remarked. 


Phyllis 


At that point, Dotson's lawyer, Warren 
Lupel, interrupted with some legal pabu- 
lum. Then Phyllis asked Webb if she could 
live with her burden. Webb said she no 
longer had a burden and thanked her hus- 
band and the Lord for their support. 

Т glanced at Corvo, but he was being 
summoned to the phone. 

“Is this a new beginning for you?" Phyl- 
lis asked Dotson. 

“Оһ, definitely." 

Lupel interrupted again to talk about 
the upcoming effort to reverse Dotson's 
previous conviction. 

“Why did you go on the morning talk 
shows?" Phyllis asked. 

“To show Gary's character," Webb 
said. “Gary doesn’t have the character of 
a rapist.” 

Phyllis then asked Dotson about his 
movie offers. “1 saw уси signing auto- 
graphs yesterday," she said, "and you 
were handling it like a real pro." This 
brought out a brief smile, so Phyllis tried 
an abrupt transition. “How is your 
mother?” 

Dotson assured Phyllis that his mother 
was fine. 

With Corvo on the phone, the director 
looked at me. There was no reason not to 
wrap it up. 

“Thirty seconds!” 

Then Phyllis said, “How about you two 
shaking hands at the end of a long day?” 

They obliged. 

Then, with a breezy laugh, Phyllis said, 
“How about a hug?” 

Dotson and Webb smiled awkwardly, 
frozen. 

“We'll be right back,” Phyllis told the 
viewers, all the time smiling radiantly. 
Clearly, she thought nothing was wrong. 

The director spun round. His look 
demanded confirmation that something 
was definitely wrong here. I faced the 
screen in stunned silence. Corvo hung up 
the phone. 

“Were we still on the air when she said 
that?” he snapped. 

“We sure were,” I said 

The director nodded. 

“Oh, shit,” Corvo said through gritted 
teeth. “Shit, shit, shit.” 

The phone in front of me rang. It was 
Stringer. 

“Yes,” I said, “that was what she said. 
Yes, I found it hard to believe, too. N 
nobody else here could believe it, cithe: 

Over the next few weeks, The Hug was 
the subject of hundreds of columns by the 
critics and became a joke on The Tonight 
Show and even wound ир аз the subject of 
a New Yorker cartoon. Ifeveryone who had 
heard about The Hug had actually seen it, 
our ratings would have topped G.M.A.'s 
and Todays combined. We took stock of 
the full extent of the damage in the fish 
bowl. It always seemed to me that events 
on the screen took on an inordinate impor- 
tance within the CBS News building; from 
that standpoint, the whole world was 


watching all the time. But for once, Ї һай 
to admit that CBS was not overreacting. 
We were taking broadsides, and every 
critic in the industry seemed to have a 
negative opinion. 

Then, as I flipped through the Daily 
News, | came across an item in Liz Smith's 
column. It stated flatly that Bill Kurtis 
would soon be leaving the Morning News. 
I had to assume that, with all the flap 
over Phyllis, that fact had momentarily 
escaped notice. 

Early in June 1985, Kurtis’ future was 
finally settled. He was going back to 
WBBM, a CBS affiliate in Chicago. After 
the show on Friday, June 14, there were a 
lot of sad faces among the producers at his 
goodbye party in the studio. Stringer 
made a florid speech; all the CBS News 
executives had turned out. So had Rather. 
After all, since Kurtis was going to 
WBBM, he was still part of the CBS “fam- 
ily.” A five-piece band played, and singer 
Sandra Reaves-Phillips sang a salute to 
Kurtis. There was a gag reel, too, featur- 
ing one female co-anchor after another— 
Meredith Vieira, Jane Wallace, Maria 
Shriver (all substitutes) and Phyllis— 
cach saying her piece about Bill, It ended 
with Diane Sawyer, who declared, “I 
don’t care what the other girls say, I did it 
with him first.” 

Then the people closest to Kurtis went 
down to his office and drank straight 
whiskey. 


. 

With Kurtis gone, we went to work to 
follow Joyce's mandate: to restructure the 
broadcast around Phyllis. It was only two 
months since the Morning News had 
received a complimentary notice in The 
Wall Street Journal for carıying the most 
news of the three morning programs. But, 
in fact, by midsummer, no longer was any 
thought being given to exercising what 
Salant had once called “professional news 
judgment.” 

"Where's the glitz?” Katz would say at 
our morning mectings. “We need some 
more glitz here.” 

Katz would look at his line-up each day 
and, except for a lead story or two, would 
exclude virtually everything that had the 
potential to be dull or merely informative. 
“We need more heat, less light,” he would 
say, and the staff was ordered to raise the 
temperature. A debate between two quali- 
fied people on a matter that might be of 
some interest to a lot of Americans wasn’t 
enough. The debate had to feature a star 
or stars, a celebrity of one sort or another 
or people who would add “heat.” 

I began to gripe at Katz. 

“Jesus Christ, McCabe!” he shot back. 
"You're starting to sound like one of 
Murrow's ghosts. Don't you think there's 
enough of them around here?” 

After Phyllis went on a long-planned 
vacation, I held my regular meeting with 
the entertainment bookers. They often 
had to invoke the names of the anchors to 
get guests. In this case, the name was 


Maria Shriver's, since it was Maria who 
was going to be substituting for Phyllis. I 
warned them not to do it. 

“The executive producer makes those 
decisions,” 1 said. They greeted the 
reminder as 1 had expected they would, 
with silence. 

Then Jane said, “You know, this really 
makes things very difficult. People are say- 
ing they don’t want to be interviewed by 
Phyllis.” 

They had told me this before, and I had 
discounted it. It wasn’t easy to get guests 
in August, and I had attributed their com- 
plaints to general exhaustion from work- 
ing the phones all day. But now they were 
insistent. They claimed that if it weren't. 
for Phyllis, a lot more celebrities would be 
willing to appear on the program. 

“Like who?” I asked. 

“Dustin Hoffman.” 

“That’s because he’s an old friend of 
Pat Collins’,” I said. 

Jane looked at her feet. 

“No,” she said, “that isn’t the reason. 
He didn't want to be interviewed by 
Phyllis.” 

"OK," I said, "who else?” 

“Tom Hanks.” 

Jane had a list of at least half a dozen 
major names. I was surprised. Dotson- 
Webb, after all, had been three months 
earlier; and although there had been gaffes 
and awkwardness since then, Phyllis did 
celebrity interviews better than she did 
anything else. 


“Face it,” one PR agent told me. “Your 
show has a major liability, and her name 
is Phyllis George.” 

I told Corvo what Га been told and he 
said, “Lers meet with Katz.” That after- 
noon, I laid out for Katz everything I had 
gone through with Corvo. Katz listened 
quietly. For once, there was no banter. He 
just sat there and listened, and when I was 
done, he said, “Thanks for telling me 
this.” 

The following morning, when I went in 
for the show, I was hailed by Corvo in the 
corridor. 

“Peter! I need that lis 

“What list?” I said. 

He lowered his voice and steered me 
toward his office. “The list of stars who 
won't do the show because of Phyllis.” 

“How come?” I said. 

“Katz needs it for Joyce,” he confided, 
“and don’t mention this to anyone.” 

. 

When Joyce eventually agreed that 
Phyllis had to go, it was a dramatic rever- 
sal of his position of only a few months 
earlier. In May, he had ordered that the 
show be restructured around her. But by 
August, he had changed his mind. “1 felt 
it was important that we get back to being 
a respectable broadcast,” he now says, 
“and the only way to do this was to fire 
Phyllis. I also felt it was unfair to hold the 
executive producer accountable for the 
debacle that was not his fault.” 

But the desire to get rid of Phyllis met 


“We have video workouts by Jane 
Fonda, Raquel, Kathy Smith, Jacki Sorensen, Debbie 
Reynolds and Lyle Alzado. That is it. Period. There is no 
Marilyn Chambers workout.” 


PLAYBOY 


164 


with opposition from above. “It was a 
showdown,” Joyce says, “and both Sauter 
and Jankowski were firmly opposed at 
first. Finally, they acquiesced, just as I 
had acquiesced when they hired her. 
Eventually, they said, ‘OK, it’s up to you. 
Do what you like. You want to do t Go 
ahead.” 
Joyce 
agent. 
“I think the time has come to replace 
Phyllis,” he told Hookstratten. “How do 
you feel about that?” 

One thing Hookstratten felt strongly 
about was that CBS honor the terms of 
Phyllis’ contract. The contract said “No 
cut,” and he wanted to make sure that she 
would collect her salary for the next two 
years and four months —reportedly more 
than $2,000,000. 

I was assured she would,” he says, 
“and Joyce was quite honorable about the 
whole thing. Phyllis was pooped and 
exhausted, anyway, so it was decided.” 

On the Friday before Labor Day, the 
suspicion of imminent change pervaded 
the fish bowl. Throughout the corridors of 
the building, rumor abounded. 
“I don't believe it,” one producer said. 
“What makes you say that?” senior pro- 
ducer Bob Epstein wanted to know. 

“They've got $3,000,000 invested in this 
lady. You're telling me they're going to 
walk away from that?” 

“If it's true,” senior producer Roberta 
Dougherty said, “and I think it is, the 

interesting thing will be to sec who's going 

to take the fall for this. Someone’s got to 
take the fall.” 
By three in the afternoon, nobody could 
concentrate on any work. It was fortunate 
that Monday’s Labor Day show had been 
booked way in advance. If there was one 
day of the year the show did not want to 
struggle to get last-minute guests, it was 
the Friday before Labor Day. So we had 
the usual guests already lined up—labor 
economists, a workers’ panel, a typical 
American working family, Merle Haggard 
to talk about the workingman, plus a piece 
on tennis siblings and another on life- 
guards, for variety. There was no news, 
except in the CBS News building itself, 
where the swell of rumor was about to 
crest. 

“105 happening, all right!” 

Amy Rosenblum, another booker, 
stormed into the fish bowl, shricking. 

“I just saw Ann Morfogen [head of PR 
for CBS News] in the clevator, and she 
had a batch of press releases under her 
arm, and when I tried to look at them, she 
snatched them away.” 

“The intrepid reporter,” producer Pat 
Shevlin said. 

“Can't anyone confirm it” Roberta 
said. 

Epstein got a call. He was all excited. 
“It's done!” he exclaimed when he 
hung up. “Someone in Sports just told me 


called Hookstratten, Phyllis’ 


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that Hookstratten is shopping her back to 
Sports, and they don't want hi 
“She's toast!” Shevlin exclaimed. 
. 

Katz himself was toast by October. Five 
months later, the next executive producer, 
Johnathan Rodgers, was also gone. The 
new boss of the Morning News turned out 
to be an attractive, fashionably dressed 
woman of 34, with large brown eyes and a 
tense, set mouth. Her name was Susan 
Winston. It was well known by April 1986 
that Sauter had been her biggest admirer 
when she was executive producer of Good 
Morning America. He had enlisted 
Stringer in the Winston cause, and it was 
Stringer, as the executive with hands-on 
responsibility for the program, who 
brought her by the newsroom the day after 
her hiring had been announced to intro- 
duce her to the assembled staff. 

“Аз some of you know,” Stringer said, 
“Гуе been trying for a year to get Susan 
Winston to come to this program, and I'm 
very pleased to be able to announce that 
at last I have succeeded.” 

He turned to her. “Susan.” 

Our new boss rose to speak. 

“Well, Pm not as bad as many of you 
might have heard,” she said by way of 
breaking the ice. 

The staff laughed nervously. Winston 
then made a brief speech about thc impor- 
tance of coming up with a new formula. 
When she finished, she asked for ques- 
tions. Nobody had any. 

After she left, there was considerable 
discussion in the fish bowl. Winston 
brought with her an aura of show business 
and a reputation for being tough. On 
Monday, May fifth, I went to my first 
meeting with her. 

It was to be held in Corvo's office. We 
had been told that Corvo was still running 
the program while Winston drew up her 
new plans. But as soon as the meeting 
started, it was clear who was calling the 
shots. Corvo deferred to Winston. He ran 
through the line-up, and she said yes or no 
or “Why are we bothering?” Then booker 
Vicki Gordon stuck her head into the 
room to say that singer Gladys Knight 
had canceled. 

"Get her back,” Winston snapped 
“Call her PR agent and tell her I said 
she’d do the show. Just tell her that.” 

The room was silent. 

At 10:30 that morning, once the line-up 
meeting was over, the senior stafl of the 
CBS Morning News filed into the fourth- 
floor conference room to hear from the 
new executive director what was wrong 
with their broadcast. Winston had 
brought with her a batch of manila fold- 
ers, on top of which was a yellow pad with 
the notes she had taken on that morning's 
show. She wasted no time on formalities. 

“Understand this,” she said. “I’ve been 
brought in here to get ratings, and ГЇЇ do 
anything, anything to get ratings. 1 know 
how hard everyone works on these shows, 
and don’t think I haven’t asked myself, 


“Why would I want to get into this grind 
again? But Гус been hired to do a job, 
and I’m going to do it. I've done it before, 
at G.M.A., and when I left G.M.A., it was 
the top-rated morning show, and it was 
top because everyonc pulled together and 
realized it could be done. So if anyone 
here feels they are burned out, if anyone 
here feels they don’t want to make the 
effort, let me know right now, and ГЇЇ be 
happy to accept their resignation.” 

The room was hushed. People stared at 
their yellow note pads. The moment for 
offering resignations passed, and Winston 
proceeded to find fault with nearly every 
aspect of the morning’s broadcast. 

“Lets talk about content,” she began. 
“This show’s a clone. It’s boring, flat and 
predictable, and I’m going to change it 
First, why did we even bother having Eli 
Wallach on the show? He's not the kind of 
celebrity 1 want, And almost every intro 
to the segments was too long. People don’t 
want to listen to a lot of words.” 

“Can you give us some idea what you 
want the new program to be?” I asked. 
“Amount of news content, that sort of 


rything is news to me,” she said. 
“George Shultz is news, Reggie Jackson’s 
news. There’s a whole new audience out 
there, and they’re interested in the things 
you and I are interested in.” 

“What are you interested in, Susan?” 
Peter Bonventre asked boldly. Bonventre 
was another producer hired from print. 
He was already determined to quit the 
program but had decided to stick around 
until Winston took over. He didn’t want 
to miss this for anything. 

“Money. We're all interested in money. 
Working women are interested in money 
and in business, I want a lot more of 
those kinds of segments. Also consumer 
segments.” 

That afternoon, Winston had a sugges- 
tion for the next day's program. We had 
been running with the Chernobyl story for 
a weck, a story Stringer had described as 
“our kind of story—a world event and we 
can’t spend money covering it.” Winston’s 
idea was that we should examine one of 
the school children who had just returned 
from Kiev for evidence of radioactivity. 
Ме had booked one of the kids for the next 
day’s show. 

“I want Faith [Daniels] to run a Geiger 
counter over him,” she told Corvo. 


“But ith reads the news blocks,” 
Corvo said. 
“I know. Its not a whole segment. 


Faith will ask him a few questions, then 
she'll pass the Geiger counter over him 
and we'll sec what the thing registers,” 
“In the middle of the news blocks?” 
“Sure, why not? It’s good television.” 
We called one of the bookers and told 
her what was wanted. A few minutes later, 
the booker called back, The teenager we 
had booked had been contaminated but 
only slightly. The radioactivity had been 
on his clothes, which had long since been 


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destroyed, and he himself would not set off 
the machine. 

“1 can't believe that,” Winston said. 
“Those things are highly calibrated.” 

The booker was insistent. The Geiger 
counter would not respond. 

“See if you can find another kid,” 
Winston said. 


. 

On Wednesday afternoon, May seventh, 
1 had my own meeting with Winston. By 
then 1 had come to believe that it was 
unlikely that I could ever work with her. 
Editorially, we were at odds, and I didn't 
like her style. Our meeting turned out to 
be the clincher. I told her about the mo- 
rale problem on the show 

“A lot of people are trying to second- 
guess you. The sooner you can clear the 
air of uncertainty, the more productive 
people will be.” 

“Let's talk about the bookers,” she said. 
“Who's good? Who's bad?” 

I gave her a breakdown of the people 
who worked for me. When I was done, she 
said, “What you’re telling me is that some 
people aren't pulling their weight. OK, 1 
look to you to motivate them. If you can’t, 
ГЇЇ get rid of them.” 

It seerned to me that she had missed the 
point. 

“You can’t blame the bookers,” I said. 
“They've worked endless hours for four or 
five executive producers and scen little in 
the way of results.” 

“So their attitude is bad. Whose fault is 
that? From what you're saying, it sounds 
like you’re pretty burned out yourself.” 

I wasn’t sure what to make of this 
charge. 

“What makes you say that?” I said 

“Well, you haven't exactly been bub- 
bling over with ideas these past two days.” 

“Most of my ideas are on the grid,” 1 
said. “Unlike a few other people on the 
staff, I haven't been saving them up to 
impress you.” 

“Well, I don't know that. I can only go 
by what I see.” 

We talked about ideas and about news. 
I told her that for a time we had re- 
established the broadcast's credibility as a 
news program. I said 1 felt it was impor- 
tant that this not be allowed to slip away. 
She said she was interested in news, too, 
but wc were talking at cross-purposcs. 
Having Henry Winkler and Donna Mills 
do interviews for the program didn't quite 
fit into my idea of news, no matter how far 
that rubric was extended. 

As I walked home, I recalled the mental 
note I'd made to myself at the begin- 
ning—if it ever got too crazy, Га get out. 

When I got to my apartment, I typed а 
note to Stringer requesting a transfer to 
another broadcast. I knew it would not 
please him. On the day it was announced 
that Winston was comi he had told me 
he expected her to be a “keg of dynamite” 
for the Morning Neus. 

The next morning, I left my letter with 


Stringer's secretary and went to my office 
to find Bonventre sitting there with his feet 
on the desk. He had given two weeks’ 
notice the day before. On the monitor, he 
watching an exclusive interview with 
a team of explorers who had just returned 
from an overland trip to the North Pole. 
They were the first team to make the trip 
since Admiral Peary. 

“This was your idea, wasn't it?" he said. 

"Ies my last,” I said. “I just requested 
transfer to another broadcast.” 

“Holy shit!" Bonventre said. 

I didn't see Winston that day. She was 
making a quick trip to Los Angeles. Nor 
did I see Stringer. The following morning, 
I called his secretary to remind her that I 
wanted an appointment She told me 
Stringer was aware that I did but that it 
might be difficult that day. I soon found 
out why. NBC's "Tom Brokaw had tied 
Dan Rather in the evening-news ratings, 
and panic had set in. 

With Stringer pouring oil on the trou- 
bled waters of the Evening Neus, I did not 
get to see him until Monday. 

He waved my letter as 1 was shown into 
his office. 

“What can I do?” he exclaimed. “I’m 
being told to collect heads around here. 
There's nowhere I can assign you to. West 
57th is under review. Nightwatch is in 
trouble,” 

We faced each other over a long silence. 

“Work it out with her,” Stringer said 
finally. “PFI talk to her. I'm sure it can be 
worked out.” 

“Howard,” I 
kidding?” 

I got up and left his office and went to 
search out Bonventre. I needed a drink. 

In the morning, Winston called me from 
the control room. 


said. “Who arc we 


“I can't operate like this,” she said. 
“Let’s meet.” 

“Whenever you like," I said. "I'm in 
my office.” 


1 read the papers and watched the 
show. That morning, it seemed to be 
devoted entirely to Hands Across Amer- 
ica. As soon as it ended, Winston marched 
. She was shooting from the hip, and the 
encounter was brief. 

“I sce no point in prolonging this,” she 
said. “Are you resigning from this broad- 
cast or not?” 

“I haven't resigned,” I said. 

“Then you're fired,” she told me. "I 
don’t think we have anything more to talk 
about.” 

“Fine,” I said. “Put it in writing.” 

Suddenly, I was on the outside looking 
in, as part of one always is in moments of 
crisis. 

“I want you out of here by close of busi- 
ness today,” she said. 

I laughed. “Susan, there is no such 
thing as close of business at the Morning 
Neus. It’s a 24-hour-a-day game.” 

I pulled my personal stuff together— 
Rolodex, kids’ photos, files. A group of 


bookers—Janice, Amy, Jane—were con- 
gregating outside my office. I told them to 
come in and we closed the door. The 
phone rang and I started to answer it. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Amy said. 
“Let it ring.” 

“It may be from personnel,” I said. 

It wasn’t. It was a standard PR pitch. 

“We think Dr. Diet would make a won- 
derful guest on your program . . .” an 
enthusiastic voice said. 

“Tell her to go suck a big one,” Amy 
suggested 

The other bookers dissolved in giggles. 
The PR woman rambled on and on, until 
finally I interrupted her pitch. 

“Let me sec if Pve got this right,” I said 
“You want five minutes of free publicity on 
the Morning News. You want to expose Dr. 
Dict to Maria Shriver, with the hope that 
five minutes of his unscientific ramblings 
will sell a few books. Is that right?” 

“Scuse me?” said the PR woman, 
astonished. 

"You're hoping that the Kennedy 
glamor will mean the difference between 
Dr, Diet's book sales and all the other idi- 
otic tomes on how to lose weight. Isn’t that 
correct?” 

“Is this the CBS Morning News?” the 
woman asked. 

“It sure is,” ] said. “Can the doctor do 
cart wheels or stand on his head? 1 bet he 
can't set off a Geiger counter. 

“TIl tell you what,” I continued. “Let 
me put you through to Susan Winston. 
She's just the person for this segment. And 
if you can’t reach her, try Howard 
Stringer.” 

I transferred the call and hung up. The 
senior staff came by to offer me condo- 
lences, and I did my best to look sad. 1 fin- 
ished packing my things. Then, as I was 
making a final check of my office, I heard 
the irritating litle sound that had plagued 
me for the past year. The gray contraption 
attached to my belt—the little gray beeper 
that over the past year had gone off in 
movies, on Saturday mornings, in cabs, on 
the beach, on the night stand at three 
am-—sounded its familiar beep, beep, 
beep. 

Т took it off my belt and laid it on my 
desk. Then I borrowed a shoe from one of 
the bookers, and with one blow, I sent the 
thing to beeper heaven. 

. 

‘Two months later, CBS announced that 
the Morning News, such as it was, would 
no longer exist after December 1986. At 
the same time, it was announced that 
Susan Winston would be leaving CBS. In 
September, Gene Jankowski asked Van 
Gordon Sauter for his resignation. Sauter 
obliged. Howard Stringer became presi- 
dent of CBS News in October. Ed Joyce, 
who had left the company the previous 
February, was living in Connecticut and 
writing a book about his CBS career. 


“Aside from its being a terrible waste of an erection, who'd want it?" 


167 


PLAYBOY 


168 


MIGHT MOLES: uem 


“The driver forgets to dim his headlights. You lose 
sight of the center line. What if he crosses it?” 


simply better than others’ at seeing in the 
dark. Even healthy eyes require several 
minutes 10 adjust to the dark. And the 
eyes’ most difficult time is during that 
transition period at dawn or dusk, midway 
between light and dark, and that’s when 
you should be the most careful. 

One idea is simply to sit in the darkness 
оГусиг car for a minute or two. Another is 
to put on sunglasses for a few minutes 
before starting out to let your eyes adjust 
to low-light conditions. But it's foolish to 
drive at night with dark glasses on, 
because they reduce what little light there 
is before it reaches your eyes. We know the 
Blues Brothers did it—but look how many 
cars they destroyed. 

Some professional rally drivers recom- 
mend high-quality antiglare glasses with a 
slight yellow tint. Yellow increases the 
apparent brilliance of what you're sceing, 
while enhancing details and filling in 
shadows without reducing the total light 
transmitted by more than a few percent- 
age points. Be sure to try a pair on before 
you buy, since mellow-yellow vision is not 
to everyone's liking. 

It should be obvious that another 
important factor contribuüng to savvy 
night driving isa clean windshield. A dirty 
one can cut visibility up to 25 percent. 
Streaked and smeared by bugs and bad 
wiper blades, it brings on blinding, eye- 
fatiguing glare. The need for keeping the 
le of your windshield clean is ob 
ous, but many people forget to clean the 
inside. This is especially important for 
smokers and those whose cars are so new 
that the various plastics inside them are 
still curing and giving off chemical vapors. 

Next come your headlights. Most new 
cars are equipped with quartz-halogen 
lamps. Some are better than others, and 
all need to be properly aimed. Govern- 
ment standards and cost considerations 
make original-equipment lights inferior to 
the better aftermarket units, however; so 
if you do much night driving, consider 
upgrading your head lamps with some 
high-output ones or adding a powerful 
driving light or two. Check your state laws 
to see what’s permitted. 

Be aware, too, that the factory-installed 
{агу lights common on many of 
today's new cars are not (by law) high- 
powered driving lights that illuminate way 
down the road. They are essentially fog 
lights, which have low, wide beams to 
reduce reflection back into your eyes in 
fog, driving rain or snow. Properly aimed, 
they are also good for illuminating the 
edges of the road. But they almost never 
come properly aimed, and they can be very 
annoying to other drivers. 


Once your night vision is maximized, 
you may need practice їп using it prop- 
erly. Professional instructors report that 
most of us focus too closely on the road in 
front of our cars instead of far ahead, espe- 
cially at night. “With few exceptions,” 
says former racing champion Bertil Roos, 
who now heads the Bertil Roos School of 
High Performance Driving, which oper- 
ates year round at the Pocono Interna- 
tional Raceway, Blakeslee, Pennsylvania, 
and in Woodbine, New Jersey, “your 
sharp focus must always be far down the 
road—wa-a-a-a-ay down the road and 
parallel to it, not angled downward. 

“When your focus is gliding along this 
way, you don't have to look at objects up 
close, because that part of the road has 
alrcady been investigated by your sharp 
focus and was found to be free of haz- 
ards.” Roos calls this long-focus view 
his early-warning system (E.W.S.) and 
emphasizes that it comes very casily and 
naturally once you learn to trust it. * 
inate the temptation to look down to see 
where you are,” he adds, “and you will be 
surprised at how clearly you can see the 
center line and the edge ofthe road in your 
peripheral vision.” 

The next step, especially on two-lane 
roads, is learning exactly where your 
wheels are (relative to your view of 
your car on the road) and how to use all of 
your lane when necessary. This is also cas- 
ier than it sounds. “People should be aware 
of how wide the road really is,” Roos 
tells us. “Also that there is often an apron 
along the edge that can be used in an emer- 
gency, though it may be a little rough.” 

Most drivers are rightly afraid of drop- 
ping a whecl off the edge of the road, but 
Roos also teaches the proper—and easy— 
method of recovery from that. “First,” he 
says, “keep your cyes straight ahead, 
where you intend to go. Second, don’t 
overreact. Take your time, with small and 
gentle movements of the steering wheel, 
and coax the tire back up onto the 
pavement,” 

What does all this have to do with night 
driving? Consider the oncoming car. Its 
driver may be sleepy or drunk. He forgets 
to dim his headlights. You flash yours to 
remind him, but it does no good. The 
glare gets worse, and you lose sight of the 
center line. What if he crosses it? 

First, never look directly at oncoming 
lights. Focus your attention on the right 
edge of the road, as far ahead as you can 
sce, and begin casing toward it. Roos rec- 
ommends just hugging the edge as the 
other car passes, using peripheral vision to 
keep track of both it and your position on 
the road, then easing back toward the cen- 


ter line. That way, you give the other 
driver as much room as possible, while 
keeping your visual concentration away 
from his headlights. 

Then flip your brights back on as soon 
as he passes to help compensate for your 
temporarily reduced vision, since your 
eyes may need as long as eight seconds to 
recover fully from a bad case of headlight 
glare. If your eyes are very glare-sensitive, 
consider clipping an antiglare shade onto 
your visor and Ripping it down just for the 
few moments that an oncoming car's 
lights are especially bothersome. 

Night driving also increases the need for 
another Roos technique called brake alert. 
This involves simply moving your foot 
from the gas pedal to the brake and 
squeezing it slightly to remove the slack 
any time you susped there may be a haz- 
ard ahead—instead of waiting until the 
last minute, when it's already too late, and 
slamming on your brakes in panic. 

We asked another driving-school presi- 
dent and former topracer, Bob Bondurant 
of the Bob Bondurant School of High Per- 
formance Driving, Sonoma, California, for 
additional advice. “Obviously,” he says, 
“use your brights whenever you can, but 
be aware that they're on and dim them 
right away for other drivers, cyclists, even 
pedestrians, Don't wait for the other guy 
to dim his first. If he doesn't, flash yours 
once or twice to remind him. But don’t get 
mad and leave your brights on if he 
doesn’t dim his, because s only blinds 
you both." In steady traffic, where you 
can't use your high beams for long, try an 
occasional flip to brights and back to get a 
quick look at what's farther up the road. 

“If you see one headlight coming," 
Bondurant adds, “assume it’s a car with 
the other one out. Look for some kind of 
reflection off the grille. It could be a 
motorcycle, but don't count on it. I treat it 
as a car, and lm ready to move to the 
right.” Another common hazard is a vehi 
cle with no taillights. But by using E.W.S. 
(and not overdriving your lights), you 
should be able to see red cat's-eye glints 
off the vchicle's Government-required rear 
reflectors. 

High beams in a driver's mirrors are 
also blinding and fatiguing, so always 
remember to switch to lows when 
approaching from behind or following 
another vehicle. "Terry Earwood, an active 
racer and chicf instructor of the BMW/ 
Skip Barber Advanced Driving Schocl, 
has a tip for anyone momentarily caught 
in front of someone driving with his 
brights on. “105 easy to get blinded by 
your side mirrors," he says. "But don't 
readjust them. Just lean forward for a sec- 
ond. Some cars also have tinted outside 
mirrors, which help a lot.” 

“One thing a lot of people don't real- 
ize,” Earwood offers, “is that once they've 
loaded their car for a trip, the rear end has 
sagged from the weight and they've lost 
their headlight adjustment They find 
themselves hunting for possums in the 


trees—not to mention blinding other driv- 
ers. Unless your car has automatic load 
leveling, I recommend installing air 
shocks to bring the tail back up. Also, 
whenever I stop for gas at a self-service 
station and wash my windshield, I clean 
my headlights.” 

When night visibility gets even worse 
due to fog, mist or driving rain or snow, 
slow down to compensate and increase 
your level of concentration within the field 
of vision remaining. High beams will 
reflect back at you, so use only your 
lows—and/or fog lights, if you have them. 
Use the middle of your lane (or the center 
lane of a three-lane freeway), so there's 
room on both sides to dodge around any- 
thing that may loom up out of the night. 
You may want to follow another vehicle’s 
taillights as a guide, but don’t blindly fol- 
low them off the road if the driver ahead 
screws up. 

Bondurant points out that glancing at 
the treetops can help you anticipate 
curves: When they blend together, there's 
probably a bend coming up. But don’t get 
lulled into following trees, telephone poles 
or even guardrails in bad conditions: 
Sometimes they veer off sharply one 
or the other. 

If you find yourself on newly surfaced 
blacktop at night, without any center or 
edge lines to guide you, ‘Bondurant 
advises, “Read the right edge. Otherwise, 
if the road suddenly curves to the right, 
you may not notice in time and end up off. 
the other side.” 

Then there's black ice, virtually invisi- 
ble on cold, clear nights on what looks 
deceptively like dry pavement. Watch for 
telltale shiny spots, especially on bridges, 
under overpasses and where snow may 
have melted and run over the surface in 
the daytime before refreezing at night. You 
may feel a patch of it without ever secing 
it, but don’t panic. Just steer straight, 
don’t touch the brakes or change the 
throttle setting and you can glide straight 
across. (See Winter Driving Smarts 
[rraynov, January] for more tips on how to 
cope with icy roads.) 

You also may wish to check out the 
many night-driving products now on the 
market. Among the more interesting items 
listed in the catalog of Beverly Hills 
Motoring Accessories (B.H.M.A.—the 
store, obviously, is located in Beverly 
Hills, California) are a Sleeper Beeper, 
which clips behind your car and sounds a 
loud alarm if your head tilts forward; a 
corn-ball but effective Tell-a-Tail high- 
mounted brake light, with changeable let- 
ters for your own message (DIM rr); 
custom-fit rear-deck reflectors; Euro-style 
amber fog-lamp lenses; and head-lamp 
wiper/washer kits for Mercedes-Benzes 
and other European cars. В.Н.М.А., like 
most major accessory houses, also carries 
a variety of driving and fog lamps, driving 
glasses and other useful merchandise, 


Then there are portable trouble lights 
operated by the car's battery (through 
the cigarette-lighter plug), as well as bat- 
tery-powered ones offering a choice of 
wide-angle area light, a superbright pen- 
cil beam or emergency flashers, 

Those who can't be bothered to flip 
their own inside mirrors from day to the 
glare-reducing night position and back 
can install an electronic Night Sight auto- 
matic mirror to do it for them (AMPM, 
Inc., P.O. Box 1887, Midland, Michigan 
48640-1887, sells it for $80, postpaid). 

Finally, let's discuss the most obvious 
night-driving danger—falling aslecp. 
"Sometimes I get out and run around my 
truck,” says long-distance trucker Phil 
Thompson. “But that’s good for only 
about 15 minutes, and I can’t stop and do 
it that often.” The many other stay-awake 
tips we've heard range from cold water in 
the face to singing along with the radio to 
keeping one's eyes moving and playing 
mind games to stay alert. 

Unfortunately, though, 
cluding coflee—works for 


nothing—in- 
long when 


you're tired. If you do catch yourself nod- 
ding or dozing for even a split second, the 
only real answer is rest. And the longer the 
trip, the more rest you need. Even a half 
hour of sleep works wonders to refresh the 
body and brain without delaying a trip 
very much. 

Following a study of late-night drivers 
on Germany's autobahnen, one German 
work psychologist came up with these rec- 
ommendations: a five-minute break after 
the first hour, another ten minutes after 
three and a half hours, 20 minutes more 
after five hours and a full hour’s rest after 
seven hours at the wheel. He also recom- 
mended no more than ten hours of driving 
in any one night. 

Truck owner/operator Dan Campbell, 
like everyone else with whom we talked, 
strongly recommends never pressing your 
luck with fatigue. "It's a gamble,” he 
warns. “If you snooze, you lose. And if 
you lose, you lose everything. Its not 
worth the risk.” 


“Your Frederick's of Hollywood package 


came today, but I didn't sign for 


. Instead of 


the peekaboo bra and matching panties you ordered, they 
sent two peekaboo bras.” 


Proton's acclaimed 40 Series Audio Components top to 
bottom: D940 Stereo Receiver with DPD™, 440 Stereo 
Tuner, 0540 Stereo Amplifier with DPD™, 740 Stereo 
Cassette Deck and the 830R Compact Disc Player. 


Hear What 
You've Been 
Missing 


Introducing DPD™ from Proton 

If you're running that terrific new CD player off an 
amplifier or receiver that's three to five years old, you're 
missing out on a great deal of clean, uncompromising 
sound. Most amps of that vintage just can't create the 
extra headroom that's necessary for accurate digital 
reproduction. Every time the music hits a peak, your amp 
will be gasping for breath. And you'll definitely hear 
about it. Unless you have a Proton 40 Series amplifier or 
receiver with our exclusive, patented DPD circuitry. 


Reserve power in an instant 

DPD stands for Dynamic Power on Demand™. 
Designed for the increased demands of today's digital 
audio discs and hi-fi video sound, it utilizes a 
sophisticated, dual power supply which acts as a power 
reserve. During musical 
peaks, it delivers up to 
four times the amplifier's 
rated power for an 
amazing six dB of 
headroom. And DPD 
handles these boosts 
UM much more smoothly. 
gn curent arpiters Plus, DPD sustains 
that dynamic power up to 
400 milliseconds. More 
than enough time for you to hear all the crisp, clean 
transient response you've been missing. From the pluck of 
a cello. To the crash of a cymbal. As faithfully as if they 
were being performed live. 

Best of all, DPD gives you all of this extra power 
without your having to pay the extra price for a much 
larger amplifier. 

So if you want totally uncompromising digital sound, 
you can't afford to compromise with your system. That's 
why you need Proton with DPD. With anything else, 
you'll be missing out. 


g 
Е 


For the Proton Audio/Video Dealer nearest you, 
call (800) 772-0172 In California, (800) 428-1006 


ГАСА 


737 West Artesia Blvd., Compton, Calif. 90220 


ACCESSORIES 


ver since Enzo Ferrari first put the cavallino rampante, Formula, as the collection is called, will include pocket leather 
the prancing colt, on the side of one of his cars almost goods, travel items, desk accessories, attaché cases, sun- 
four decades ago, the marque has been synonymous glasses, smoking accouterments and a collection of watches— 
with a no-compromise approach to style and quality. all tastefully emblazoned with the Ferrari name or colt and 
Now Ferrari has moved into the fastlane of status accessories, often accented with a touch of Ferrari red. Check your 
where, until now, Porsche Design held the inside track. Ferrari mirror, Ferdinand—Enzo's gaining on you and looking to pass. 


DAVE 


You're in fast company with the products pictured below, which include (clockwise from 12) leather document carrier, $175, gold-plated letter 
opener, $90, sunglasses with leather case, $120, quartz-powered Swiss-crafted chronograph, $795, water-resistant travel clock, $275, ballpoint 
pen, $65, and matte-black roller-ball model, $90, lighter with refillable and interchangeable cartridges, $65, aluminum-and-steel cigar cutter, 
$40, and a handsome grained calfskin wallet with pockets for credit/business cards and more, $75, ай by Ferrari Formula, New York. 


SUPER SHOPPING 


Aramis' Lab Series of 
men's cosmetics consists LABS ? 

бок daly mantel J > 
nance products: Skin Clearing Solu- _ Д 

tion, $10, Instant Moisture Complex, $18.50, 
and Dual Action Face Soap, $10. In addition, there 
are two specialtyitems: Active Treatment Scrub for rid- > 
ding the skin of impurities, $10, and Razor Burn Relief, $15. 


Left: The Video Pro 7 
VHS Presentation Sys- 


measuring about 18"x 
13"x65" that plays 
back standard-speed 
video tapes on its 7" 
color monitor, from Du- 
kane Corporation, St. 
Charles, Illinois, $995. 


Righl: To 
brighten 
your corner, 
there's the 
69""-tall Big. 
Mack Lamp, 
designed by 
Robert Son- 
neman and 
inspired by 
the Scottish 
art nouveau 
of C. Rennie 
Mackintosh. 
It features a 
solid-brass 
shade and a 
A| dimmable 
| 40-watt hal- 


Right: We don’t guarantee | an 
that you'll go into orbit the way Lighting, 
Chicago 8ulls superstar Michael Jordan Chicago, 


does after you've pulled on a pair of 
Nike's Air Jordan basketball shoes 
(Jordan participated in their de- 
sign), but we do know that you'll 
be walking mighty tall on thei 
pressurized-gas mid-soles, $100 
а pair. Boing. Boing. Rim shot! 


172 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


ser press is the perfect ing 47 


Two hot shooters from Canon: 
The Model T90 35mm SLR camera, 
at left, with a built-in computer chip, 
offers 15 automatic-exposure modes, a motor 
that fires off shots at the rate of 4.5 frames per 
second and shutter speeds of up to 1/4000th of a 

second, $865. The Canon Aqua Snappy AS-6 (above) 
is a fully automatic, hermetically sealed 35mm camera 
that will withstand water pressure up to 33 feet and 

even float, $273, including two buoyant film cases, 
close-up lens, sports finder, close-up frame, a handy 
waist bag for camera and accessories and more. 


Left: Corby of Wind- Right: Weighing about 
sor's Ambassador trou- ten pounds and stand- 


and an automatic ball 


electronic Jeeves; con- tech golf bag made of 
trols can be adjusted impactresistant 

for a 15- or 30-minute tic has a storage com- 
press (and canceled at partment 

any time), and there's accessories 

an accessory tray, 

fia a le dispenser, from Inno 
from BrenMer Indus- Design, Santa Clara, 
tries, New York, $295. California, $159.95. 


Six sleek radar units 
for the road are (top 
to bottom) the Whis- 
tler Spectrum 2, 
$329.95; the GUL 
С-300$, $260; Sparko- 
matic's Road Alert 
30, $230; Cobra’s 
Trapshooter Micro, 
$299.95; the Passport 
which slips into a 
pocket, by Cincinnati 
Microware, $295; and 
the Model 9507, by 
Kraco, $199.95. All 
units read X- and K- 
band signals and fea- 
ture audio-visual 
warnings, city/highway 
switches and test 
modes, and more. 


Swede Dish 


Does NANCY EKSTEDT look familiar? She's Britt 
Ekland's niece. She's also an actress and a model. 
Her dual careers met with success in Sweden, so 
she generously imported them to our shores. 
Thank goodness. Nancy obviously knows exactly 
how to drape the drapes. 


© 1906 MARK LEIVDAL 


Gaudy, Bawdy, 
but Not Haughty 


When LIBERACE hit the stage at Radio City Music 
Hall last fall, his audience expected the usual 

fine blend of flash and trash, with a couple of 
terrific Rockettes numbers thrown in for good 
measure. And that's just what it got from a man 
who describes himself as Disneyland. 


© 1906 PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC. 


Laughing All the Way to the Bank 


These two happy guysare thehot singing duo DAVID & 
DAVID. They never imagined that their debut single, 
Welcome to the Boomtown, would hit the charts, but it 
did. The results of that piece of good luck were a 30- 
city tour and a video of another tune from the album, 
Swallowed by the Cracks. Welcome, guys. 


We 


© 1086 PAULNATKIN/ PHDTD RESERVE INC. 


They're Believers Now 

We never expected to see the MONKEES again. But here they are, full of plans that 
includea new album next month, anupcoming movie and a summer tour. Who knows? 
Maybe they'll even drag Michael Nesmith in from the cold to complete the angelic 
picture. It’s back to the future for them. 


GORMAN / GAMMA-LIAISON 


Bottom 
Up! 

Ah, VANITY. There is 
Ше after Prince. If 
you've seen 52 Pick 
Up, you know she can 
act. Look for her this 
spring in Love You to 
Death, with Billy Dee 
Williams, and listen for 
her new album about 
the same time. 


© 1986 MARK LEIVDAL 


Exposing Lisa 
We've uncovered the best of LISA CHRISTIAN- 
SON, and we're proud of it. Lisa is an actress 
who has appeared on the big screen in Savage 
and Murder Maize. Now she has a staring role 
in Grapevine. It kind of makes you forget all 
about the March blahs, doesn't it? 


ТНЕ VIDEO TAXMAN СОМЕТН 


The best way to compute your 1986 income tax, of course, is to throw your 
W2 form and bushel basket full of reccipts at your accountant and fly 
south to the sun. But for all you compulsive types who want to compute 
your own, there's Video 1040 .. . 1986, a two-hour VHS or Beta tape that 
takes you through the maze of current tax laws. Financial Videos, Suite 
2970, 150 North Wacker Drive, Chicago 60606, is sel ideo 

1040 . . . 1986 for $24.95, postpaid. All the directions are simple, and if 
there's a point you don’t understand, just reverse the tape and play it 
again—for free. Don't you wish you could do that with your tax accounta 


IF YOU KNEW ISUZU LIKE WE KNOW ISUZU. .... 


American Isuzu Motors introduced its 1987 line-up of I- Marks on the 
island of Maui not long nd we're happy to report that we managed 
to fit in a bit of driving while soaking up the local beach scenery. The 1987 
1-Mark has a completely restyled front end and some other nice refine- 
ments, hut what really turned our head was the announcement that Isuzu 
was bringing out a turbocharged two-door hatchback RS” model 
(above) with a 1.5-liter 110-hp engine. (It's also available as a four-door 
notchback.) Power steering, 14-inch alloy wheels and a five-speed gearbox 
are standard, along with special instrumentation, а sports steering wheel 
and performance-oriented suspension. The price: about $11,000. 


POTPOURRI 


PICK A PAIR 


For the lady in your life who w. 

them, there's Second Look, erect silicc 
nipples that give a pert lift to the bust 
Second Look is available in two versio 
Subtle is designed for close-fitting, sheer 
garments, while Provocati nt to 
be worn with heavier clothes 50 
per pair, postpaid, from Sec 


Р.О. Box 11856, Marina del Rey, Califor- 


nia 90295, A set of both goes for $38. 


GRAPE EXPECTATIONS 


Now that you've been lapping up keeno 
vinos for years, here’s a chance to flaunt 
your oenological knowledge in the form of 
The Wine Connoisseur—A Game of Good 
Taste, which challenges players with more 
than 1100 trivia questions. Grape vari 
ties, vintages, history—these and other 
subjects are included in true/false, fill-in- 
the-blank and multiple-choice questio 
Thirty-five dollars sent to BDJ Ente 
prises, P.O. Box 261328, Tampa, Florida 
33685, gets you a game. Play and drink up. 


SOME LIKE IT HOT 


A HealthMate Sauna is one of 
those products that are almost 
too good to be true. All you do 
is buckle the two-person 
69" x 44" x 36" cedar unit 


nd turn it on. 
"The Health Mate generates 
radiant heat that produces 
plenty of sweat while keeping 
the unit's air temperature at 
80 to 100 degrees Fahrenheit 
less than a regular sauna. (You 
a burn off as many as 600 
calories in about 20 minutes.) 
Health una, Inc., 5318 
Wilshire Boulevard, Los Ange- 
les 90036, will send you the 
particulars. All for $2595. Hot 
price for a hot product 


HAIR'S LOOKING 
AT YOU, KID 


For all you fellows with 
cultivated facial hair, Mr. 
Mustache beard-and 

mu: kits con- 
taining a variety of barbering 
goodies have just sprouted in 
department stores and phar- 
macies, For $12, the Royal kit 
includes six items: mustache: 
scissors, comb, brush, wax 
(come on, admit it, you always 
have wanted to look like a cir- 
cus ringmaster), tweezers and 
a travel case. Other mustache 
kits containing combinations 
of these products arc avail- 
able for less. Pick your price 
and start preening 


BOSS POLITICS 


Want to know how to talk with 
your boss face to face? When 
and how to go over his/her 
head? Or how to blow the 
whistle on your boss? Then 
pick up a copy of the 320-page 
hardcover Problem Bosses: Who 
They Ате and How to Deal with 
Them, by Drs. Mardy Grothe 
and Peter Wylie. It's just out 
from Facts on File Publi 
for $19.95. As Ed McMa 
would say, everything you 
always wanted to know about 
dealing with the top dog is in 

k. By the way, the title 
of the last chapter is "Where 
Do You Go from Here?” 


SIGN OF THE TIMES 


Your Name on a Street Sign is a new company 
that didn't mess around when it came to naming 
itself. For $139.95, it will customize a metal city- 
code-approved double sign, dual-sided with an 


and hoth come with a choice of blue or green 

background, (Thirteen letters is about the maxi- 
mum.) Your Name on a Street Si 
7515 Wayzata Boulevard. Suite 201, Minneapolis, 


N esota 55426. Go for the letters. 


THE LONDON CONNECTION 


Anglophiles can now visit London from the com- 
fort of their casy chair, as a Mr. D, O'Neill at 94 
St. Georges Square, Pimlico, London SWI, 
England, is offering for $10, postpaid, а London 
Souvenir Package that includes postcards, pub 
coasters, a map of the Underground and more, 
plus a cassette recording of Big Ben and other 
local sounds. Or, for $39.95, pick up The London 
Encyclopaedia (Adler & Adler) —1029 pages 
devoted to old Blighty. Gheers! 


177 


178 


MOVIES: YEAR. 


FUN, PROPHET BEST CARS 


ADDICTION REPORT 


“LETTER PERFECT”—OF ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO SEE 
FEATURED IN A PLAYBOY PICTORIAL? WEVE GOT HER, IN A SERIES OF BREATH-TAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL PHOTOS. A 
SENSATIONAL SURPRISE BONUS EXCLUSIVELY FOR READERS OF THE MAGAZINE OF ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN 


“TEXASVILLE”—IT'S A SEQUEL TO THE LAST PICTURE 
SHOW AND, YES, THE MOVIE DEAL HAS ALREADY BEEN 
CUT. JOIN DUANE AND SONNY, NOW 30 YEARS OLDER, 
AT THE DAIRY QUEEN FOR A SCOOP OF THE NEWEST 
NOVEL BY LARRY MCMURTRY 


“ADDICTION AND REHABILITATION: A PLAYBOY RE- 
PORT"—SCIENTISTS ARE DEVELOPING NEW THEORIES 
ABOUT HOW AND WHY PEOPLE GET HOOKED. WHEN IT 
COMES TO TREATMENT, THOUGH, AN OLD IDEA MAY 
WORK BEST. AN UP-TO-THE-MINUTE INVESTIGATION 
BY LAURENCE GONZALES 


“THE BACHELOR HOME COMPANION”—A GENEROUS 
HELPING FROM HIS HILARIOUS FORTHCOMING BOOK 
ABOUT FEMALE-FREE DOMESTICITY, BY P. J. O'ROURKE 


“DIARY OF A HOLLYWOOD STARLET”—BEAUTY-CON- 
TEST WINNER MELISSA PROPHET HAS A TERRIFIC 
SENSE OF HUMOR, WHICH HELPS ON THE WAY UP TIN- 
SELTOWN'S SLIPPERY STAIRWAY TO STARDOM. A FUN- 
FILLED PICTORIAL FANTASY 


“THE YEAR IN MOVIES"—EVERYTHING YOU WANTED 
TO KNOW BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK ABOUT THE FILMS 
OF 1986. BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND: BRUCE WIL- 
LIAMSON'S HIT LIST. NEW THIS TIME THE REAL DOPE 
ON WHAT HAPPENED ON AND OFF SCREEN IN HOLLY- 
WOOD, BY LYNN HIRSCHBERG AND GREGG KILDAY 


“BEST CARS OF 1987"—INTERESTED IN HANDLING? 
GREAT RIDE? DISCO DASH? A SUPERB SOUND SYS- 
TEM? OR JUST THE BEST INVESTMENT ON WHEELS? 
SIX AUTOMOTIVE EXPERTS TELL ALL 


PLUS: “SIXTY SECONDS OVER TRIPOLI,” AN EX- 
CLUSIVE REPORT ON THE U.S. BOMBING RAID THAT 
WAS INTENDED TO KILL LIBYAN LEADER MUAMMAR 
EL-QADDAFI JUST ONE YEAR AGO, BY ANDREW COCK- 
BURN; “PLAYBOY’S SPRING AND SUMMER FASHION 
FORECAST, PART TWO"; *20 QUESTIONS" ABOUT 
LIFE, MOVIES, MOTHERHOOD AND LIVING DOWN A 
KOOKY IMAGE WITH ACTRESS BARBARA HERSHEY; 
AND (WOULD WE KID YOU?) MUCH, MUCH MORE 


Last year,an outbreak of herpes 
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The medical profession now has more infor- Ask your doctor about these treatment pro- 
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