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HOTTEST TOPIC

CONDOM ETIQUETTE

THE INTRUDER 700

Identical twins.

Vic and Van. Brothers.
Not just brothers. Twins. Not
just twins. Identical twins.

When they were kids, it
was areal drag. Same clothes.
Same haircut. It was like spend-
ing your life with a mirror. But
as they got older, they started
making their own decisions.

They still shared the same
interests. Riding was one of them.
And when it came to picking out a

The VS700GL

When it came down to
wheels, Vic chose the eye-
grabbing wire spokes and of
course, Van picked the mag-
type wheels.

They didnt surprise any-
one in their choice of color. A
deep, rich maroon finish caught
Van's eye. But the midnight blue
lacquer finish looked good to Vic.
They love to punch that
electric start and ride side by
side like human bookends.

new bike, they both picked the
cream of the cruisers. The Suzuki Intruder 700. Low
slung. Chrome on chrome. V-Twin power. Slim, tear-
drop tank. But when it came to customizing their new
ride, they were identically opposite.

Van took the traditional pullback bars, Vic
opted for the low profile drag bars.

te riding apparel
k and ride. ur owner smani safety Foundation

00 or a riding course near you.

New
at 1800-40

The 4-stroke, liquid-cooled, 8-valve V-Twin engines
play a rich, throaty baritone duet that's music to
their ears. A T
Needlesstosay Right on, Suzuki
their destinations are
as different as East and
West. Van heads for the
asphalt and neon. Vic
packs a bedroll and
sets out to find ^who-
knows-where.”

And when you
ask the “V” twins about
their V-Twins, they
say the identical
thing: “somebody
finally did it right”

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Б

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n our [road] tests."
Road & Track,

ww September, 1986

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Road & 1 'ecently tested
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Road & Track, September 1986

Sold on new high

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P gn

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SENSITIVITY IN A CORNER

inter mien- [

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SOURCE: ROAD & TRACK

SENSITIVITY CRESTING A HILL
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PLAYBILL

How DO YOU FEEL about having lots of money? We're not talking a
measly 50 or 60 grand a year here, but filthy rich. Impossible?
Aha! It’s your attitude toward making money that determines
whether or not you can do it—or, at least, that's the uplifüng
word from the “success” salesmen on late-night cable television.
Jerry Stahl, whose article Financial Evangelists profiles these fidu-
ciary fakirs, now has a closetful of tips to make him rich, if not
famous: "The key is perfectly parted Anso-nylon hair and a
swell-fitting polyester suit. I've laid in a dozen of them in various
shades of grcen, and I'm being fitted for a success toupee even as
we speak." While we're on the subject of unabashed huckster-
ism, it’s nowhere more blatant than on the TV shopathons
Zehme watched while researching his Home Shopping. Reports a
bleary-eyed Zehme, “Гуе since begun to price cubic zirconia
everywhere I go. But the question is, What 15 cubic zirconia and
why does America want to buy it?" Both Stahl's and Zchme's
very funny reports, as well as a look at the new "'videologs"—
catalogs on VCR—can be found in Prime Time for Sellevision.

"TV's success wizards are big on real estate, but we'd rather
buy a condo from Playmate of the Ycar Donna Edmondson (photo-
graphed by Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley), who, in
addition to being beautiful, also sells property. And speaking of
personal property, we've heard that some people are calling con-
doms "condos" to make them morc acceptable in polite conver-
sation. Whether or not that's true, condoms are big business.
these days, and, as Robert Coram tells us in Rubbers from Ronnie,
the U.S. has become the prophylactic vending machine of the
world. In Condom Etiquette, Contributing Editor Ase Baber offers
advice on such sensitive topics as who should, ah, install onc.

Contributing Editor David Rensin is on another type of roll,
having the kind of season as an interviewer that, if he were a
baseball player, would make him a shoo-in for the All-Star
squad. For this issue, he turned in both our Playboy Interview
with Whoopi Goldberg and our 20 Questions with Michael J. Fox.
When Rensin mentioned to Goldberg that he'd spent a whole
weekend with Shirley MacLaine for MacLaine’s September 1984
Playboy Interview, she grinned mischicvously and said, “If I
hadn't just gotten married, Га spend the whole weekend with
you, too." (But could Whoopi teach Rensin how to move crystals
with his mind?) As for his encounter with Fox, Rensin says, “He
seemed like a regular guy. The morning we talked, he let his new
kitten climb all over me while he had a breakfast of V8 juice. He
reminded mc of Alex P. Keaton [Fox's character on TV's popu-
lar Family Ties] with a hangover.”

Philosophically speaking, it isn't possible to think short with-
out thinking long, so it makes sense that in contrast to the dimin-
utive Fox, we also feature a very tall person. Boston Globe sports
reporter Bob Ryan went out to discover how 6'10" Celtics star
Kevin McHale, with a vertical leap not much higher than Fox's,
manages to be such a dominating court presence. His article,
Better than Bird! (illustrated by Herb Davidson), reveals that it's
McHale's levity, not his levitation, that makes the diflerence
Not. nearly as tall but considerably more pneumatic is former
Dallas and Three's Company star Jenilee Harrison.

To round out the issue, there's Gerald Gardners wry Irünscam
Follies; The Egret, a chilling story by Michael Bishop (illustrated by
Kinuko Y. Craft); Robert Silverberg's new science-fiction thriller, The
Pardoners Tale (illustrated by Wilson Mclean); and Passport
Smarts, by Richard and Joyce Wolkomir, the best guide to vacation
travel you'll ever read. When you take your trip, don't forget to
pack your swim trunks—preferably ones such as those Curtis
Degler photographed for Currents. If you're lucky, you'll meet
someone who looks like Miss June, Sandy Greenberg, a.k.a.
Maxine Legroom, photographed here by Contributing Photog-
rapher Stephen Wayda. That's the long, the short and the well-
rounded of this issue. Do we satisfy or what? DEGLER WAYDA

ZEHME

PAVIDSON

MC LEAN

TO Tue ronda ae, nah ay nad wanna owes suet in Tue U) PA Tex ТШШ ROMANIA MNO O

сг WM

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
= Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.
“>

%

wn
16 mg. "tar", 1.0 mg. mcotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС met
——UÜ

— —1 1

- FILTERS

Share a new adventure.

PLAYBOY

vol. 34, no. 6—june 1987 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
РСАҮВШ ra ate Каре т-да = an EU SES tS esce AERE SIE aie a 3
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 9
DEAR РІАҮВОҮ.......... 11
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS . . 15

-DAN JENKINS 29
ASA BABER 31
.. CYNTHIA HEIMEL 32
fuer nes CRAIG VETTER 33

AGAINST THE WIND . .

Top Playmate

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR . 35
DEAR PLAYMATES. . 39
THE PLAYBOY FORUM Š 41
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: WHOOPI Coma conversation . 51

THE PARDONER'S TALE—fiction .......................... ROBERT SILVERBERG 60
CURRENTS—fashion ... _.. HOLLIS WAYNE 6%
THE EGRET- fiction MICHAEL BISHOP 70
JENILEE—pictorial .
PRIME TIME FOR SELLEVISION . .

HOME SHOPPING—orticle . : BILL ZEHME вз

FINANCIAL kanae an orcs Oe ee JERRY STAHL 83

RAISING THE TUBE STAKES . .. WILLIAM MARSANO 85
THE IRANSCAM FOLLIES humor : ..GERALD GARDNER 88
THE REAL THING —playboy's playmate diis.
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor . ..
PASSPORT SMARIS—tavel
RUBBERS FROM RONNIE—article ...

CONDOM ETIQUETTE ......
BETTER THAN ВІО! personality .
PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR—pictorial . .

Pardoner's Tale

„RICHARD ar JOYCE WOLKOMIR 104
ROBERT CORAM 110
ASA BABER 112
BOBRYAN 114

Sandy/Mexine

116

20 QUESTIONS: MICHAEL J. FOX 128
132

LITTLE ANNIE FANNY-satire . . HARVEY KURTZMAN a) WILL ELDER 163
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE E e nme e Herne 167

Ronnie's Rubbers

COVER STORY

It's Playmate of the Year time again, and who better to grace our cover than
the lady herself, Donna Edmandson? Courtiers ta our 1987 queen were Can-
tributing Photographer Stephen Wayda, stylist Lee Ann Perry, make-up artist
Yolanda and hair specialist Jahn Victar. Donna's jewelry is by Zoé Coste
and her sweater is by Rhyner Designs. The cover was produced by Associate
Photography Editor Michael Ann Sullivan. The Rabbit is bra-zen, yes?

GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BuR.ONG. 919 NORTH MICHIGAN AVE. CHICAGO. ILLINOIS вови. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS. DRAWINGS ANO PHOTOGRAPHE SUBMITTED IF THEY ARE TO BE

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3460 Wilshire Blvd.. Suite 9085, Los Angeles. CA 90010 290 Bobwhite Ct.. Suite 2408, Boise, ID 83706
All Other States FOR thefollowingstatesonly: Idaho, Montana. N. Dakota.
Oregon. S. Dakota, Washington, Wyoming, Utah, All
of Canada. Minnesota

OR CONTACT (813) 985-7300
7402 N, 56th St. Suite 8005. Tampa. FL 33617
FOR the following states only: Alabama, Arkansas,
Florida. Georgia, Kentucky. Louisiana, Maryland, Missis:
sippi. N. Carolina. S. Carolina. Tennessee, Virginia

Washington D.C.. W- Virginia

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Gateway One (at Penn Station). Suite 5015
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FOR the following states only: Connecticut, Delaware.
Maine. Massachusetts, New Hampshire. New Jersey. New

York. Pennsylvania, Rhode Island. Vermont.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
and associate publisher
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director

BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE а550-
cate editor; FICTION: ALICE K. TURNER editor;
TERESA GROSCH asociate editor; WEST COAST:
STEPHEN RANDALL edilor; STAFF: GRETCHEN
EDGREN. PATRICIA PAPANGELIS (administration),
DAVID STEVENS senior editors; WALTER LOWE, JR
JAMES В. PETERSEN senior staff wrilers; BRUCE
KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN associate edi-
lors; KANDI KLINE traffic coordinator; MODERN

LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor; PHILLY
COOPER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor;

COPY: ARLENE BOURAS edifor; JOYCE RUBIN assist-
ant editor; CAROLYN BROWNE, STEPHEN FORSLING,
DEBRA HAMMOND, CAROL KEELEY, BARI NASH,
MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDI-
TORS: ASA PARER, E JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE СОХ
ZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL, WILLIAM J. HELMER, DAN
JENKINS, D. KEITH MANO, REG POTTERTON, RON
REAGAN, DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID
SHEFF, DAVIDSTANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies),
SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER. GARY WITZENBURG

ART

KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO KOU!
VATSOS associate directors; KAREN GAEBE, KAREN
GUTOWSKY, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant directors;
BILL BENWAY, DANIEL REED, ANN SEIDL art assist-
ants; BARBARA HOFFMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor: JEFF COHEN
managing edilor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate edilors; PATTY
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior staff
photographer; KERRY MORRIS staff photographer;
DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICH
ARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, STEPHEN
wayna contributing photographers; TRIA HERMSEN
stylist; james warn color lab supervisor

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
ELEANORE WAGNER. JODY JURGEIO, RICHARD
QUARTAROLI, RITA JOHNSON assistants
READER SERVICE
CYNTHIA LACEVSIRICH manager; LINDA STROM,

MIRE osTROWSK correspondents

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIENOLD subscrip-
tion manager

ADVERTISING

MICHAEL CARR national sales manager; ZOE
AQUILLA chicago manager; FRANK COLONNO, ROB.

ERT TRAMONDO group sales managers; JOHN
PEASLEY direct response

ADMINISTRATIVE
J P TIM DOLMAN assistant publisher; MARCIA
TERRONES rights € permissions manager; EILEEN

KENT contracts administrator

ADVANCE FEE

Licensed and Bonded Employment not guaranteed

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISI
CHRISTIE HEFNER president

ES, INC.

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THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and who's doing it

PLAYBOY MANSION WEST GETS TICKETED

Forthe firsttime ever, Hef has opened Playboy Mansion West to
afeature-film company. Eddie Murphy stars again as Axel Foley
in Paramount's Beverly Hills Cop Il, due out any minute, and in
the scenes at the Mansion gets tossed out of a charity fund-
raiser. When asked why he made the decision to let the film
crew in, Hefner said, “1 anticipate it will probably be the best
and most popular picture of the year." And what would a party
at the Mansion be without a bevy of Playmates, Playboy mod-
els and other seriously attractive women? Not much fun, which
is why, as you can see, everyone concerned is dressed to thrill.

Twostarsin one orbit (above):
Hef and Eddie Murphy. Be-
low, from left, Brigitte Niel-
sen, Kelly Sangher, Paul
Guilfoyle and Murphy. At bot-
tom, Miss June 1986, Re-
becca Ferratti, Dena Tenkay,
Julie Simone and Peggy
Sands surround happy co-star
Judge Reinhold. Dena and
Peggy are Playboy models.

Above, Dena Tenkay,
take one; at left, movie-
making Mansion style;
below, Eddie meets
Hef for the first time on
film. Below left: a bo-
Й nus bottom shot.

From left below:
Miss March
1981, Kymberly
Herrin; Julie
Simone; Moné
Swann, a Playboy
model; Miss
March 1986,
Kim Morris; our
models Sarah
Quickand Peggy
Sands; Rebecca
Ferratti; and
Miss March
1983, Alana
Soares.

WIN MIN WIN |
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N SEN LONGINES |
LONGINES 1000) Sq S EN Gold Medal

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“Water-resistant to 100 leet.
All prices manulacturer s suggested retail prices.

WEEP NOT FOR VANNA

The following letter was sent to Playboy
Enterprises President Christie Hefner, but
we thought that it, and Editorial Director
Arthur Kretchmer's reply, deserved a wider
audience in light of the controversy sur-
rounding the topic of discussion.

I recently heard that your May issuc
was going to feature photos of Vanna
White. I also heard her say that the photos
had been taken when she needed money to
eat, because she couldn't find work.

Гуе been buying PLAYBOY for about 14
years, and Гуе always thought it was the
only men's magazine with class. Now I
feel that your magazine has just dropped
to the level of the others.

I realize Vanna is a new sex symbol in
America. But to feed on somcone's past
misfortunes is something a cheap maga-
zine or Hollywocd paper would do.

Most of the time, these old photos were
taken by a photographer you wouldn't
even consider hiring. If you can't show
your own quality photos, why show them
at all?

If Vanna or any other sex symbol posed
for you, I would say, "Hooray for
PLAYBOY." But to take cheap shots of some-
one who has worked hard to make it big is.
another story,

From this day on, Pm not buying any
more PLAYBOY magazines. If I can't buy a
classy magazine, I won't buy one at all.

Christopher Garcia
San Jose, California

1, too, believe that PLAYBOY is a class maga-
zine. In fact, l'ue devoted a significant part
of my professional life to ensuring that it is
and will continue to be so. I think a few sur-
prises await you in this Vanna White episode,
and one of them is the fact that the photo-
graphs are excellent, of very high quality.
Perhaps you сап borrow a friend's copy of
last month's issue and judge for yourself.
They were taken by a photographer who is
currenily under contract with ғілувох. Sec-
ondly, I think that although you are unaware
of it, you are being influenced by a propa-
ganda campaign devised by Miss White. She

was not a starving model-actress at the time

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

these photos were taken. She was a striving.
actress, to be sure, bul she was living well in
Los Angeles with John Gibson, who was a
close friend of Hefner's.

In fact, as you may know, Miss White was
a close friend of Hefner’s and at one time
agreed to pose for a PLAYBOY cover for the
issue containing the photos. She changed her
mind not because the photos were damaging
to her—I sincerely believe they are not—but
because she was afraid that any appearance.
in vLavaoy would jeopardize some commer-
cial arrangements she was hoping to make.
Her anger has nothing to do with starving;
indeed, it has to do with the question of her
power lo earn enormous sums of money.

I do not believe that these photographs are
going (o damage Vanna's earning power.
After their existence became public knowl-
edge, one of the largest diversified licensing
and merchandising companies in America,
Licensing Company of America, signed
Vanna to a multiyear agreement. Her
appearance in vLaveoy may initially cost her
an endorsement or two because of the Victor-
dan mentalities of one or two companies, but I
predict that Vanna will make even more
money because of the PLAYBOY layout.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with
us. I appreciate your interest and the time you
took to write.

DINKY-DI OKKER ROCKER
What a “beaut bonza” article Michael
Thomas wrote on Oz (The Decline and Fall
of Okker Chic, puavvoy, March). Especially
good because of the numerous mentions of
Koala Blue—so pleased to be cl
enjoyed your story very much, an
us a good chuckle!
Olivia Newton-John
Pat Farrar
Los Angeles, California

NIGHT RELIEF

I've just watched a 60 Minutes
report on Lois Lec, the founder of Chil-
dren of the Night, an organization intent
on casing the plight of teenaged girls and
boys living on Los Angeles’ streets. It was
reported on 60 Minutes that for her

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1

PLAYBOY

gallant efforts, Lee had suffered personal
insults and also that her organization had
trouble obtaining contributions. Realizing
that many Americans suller from narrow-
mindedness and low social responsibility,
I was not surprised by that news. The
information that Hugh Heiner and The
Playboy Foundation were major support-
ers of the organization was quite pleasing
but again came as no surprise. Iı mak
sense that such a classy man and his organ-
ization would support such a noble
cause. I am enclosing a contribution for
you to forward to Lec, as there was no
address given for her organization during
the report. My compliments to Playboy
and to Lee.
Capt. Steve Windom, U.S.A.F.
Wiesbaden, West Germany
Thanks for the kind words about us, Steve,
and on behalf of Lois Lee and Children of the
Night, thank you for your contribution to
that worthy cause. Any of our readers who
also want to make a contribution may send il
to Children of the Night, 1800 North High-
land Avenue, Suite 128, Hollywood, Cali-

fornia 90028-4520.

RICHLY RICHIE

Thank you for identifying the source of
my recently acquired musical tastes: Lio-
nel Richie (Playboy Interview, March
Having been weaned on Fifties rock "n
roll, plus country music, and halfway
believing that all the really good songs

had been written alre: Гус been driv-
ing around in my old Chevy (with an AM
radio), listening to my one clear sta-
tion, hearing spiritual songs that I now
know come from Richie and his co-
writer, God—Who 1 suppose is every-
one's co-writer.

Occasionally, I sec or hear of someone
famous whom I feel I would like to meet
and talk with. Glenn. Plaskin’s interview
with Richie satisfies that need.

Ivan L. Minthorn
Flagstaff, Arizona

An artist produces his works primarily
to satisfy his own desire to create, though
he may also benefit from them monetarily.
A craftsman plies his trade primarily to
benefit monetarily while attempting to
produce a work of exceptional quality. A
prostitute is only in it for the money, s:
fying the desires of the customer with min-
imal regard for quality but with an intense
urge to please (pleasure equals repeat
business)

Some of us try to fall into the category
of artist and, by necessity, work as crafts-
men on the side. The interview in your
March issue indicates to me that Lionel
Richie is extremely proud to be a prosti-
tute. Keep up the good work, Lionel

John ski
Lansing, Illinois
You don't by any chance happen to be one

of the original Commodores, writing under
an alias, do you, John?

TITILLATING TATTLER

After an unbelievably awful week, 1
picked up the March issue of rr avrov, read
Asa Baber's Men column ("Tat for Tit")
and had my first honest laugh in five days.

This particular "swectheart/cookie/
baby" thinks that Baber just may have a
point about the seven types of women he'd
rather not slecp with. Maybe we women
have been too tough on men, too expect-
ant and too judgmental. I feel that ifa per-
son wants satisfaction, the most important
body partis the mouth, meaning “Just say
what you want or expect"—sort of like
“The squeaky wheel gets the grease."

Do tell Baber for me that not all women
are so hard on men. Maybe he has dated
too small a sample of Real American
Women. No rotten apples, just a heartfelt
thank-you for putting a smile on my face
when I really needed one.

Susan Champagne-Gray
Austin, Texas

P.S.: I am sure my husband will also
want to thank Baber, as tonight will also
be his best night of the week!

THE CRISIS IS NICEST

Having barely reached the bottom of
the first column of The Crisis Crisis in
your March Crisisweek feature, I had to
pause to write this. Kudos to Associate

Get the flavorof these leading

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FILTERS |

© Philp Moms Inc. 1987.

Comparisons based on king-size version of products shown
and "tar" levels from Feb.'85 FTC Report or by FTC method.

Articles Editor Peter Moore, Lewis Gross-
berger, Paul Dickson and рглувоу in gen-
eral for addressing a truly frightening
trend in the media: the wholesale market-
ing of fear. This kind of journalistic ir-
responsibility proliferates at everyone's
expense and inflicts a kind of spiritual
cancer on personal and national confi-
dence. I salute you for having the chutzpah
to spend six pages on such a relevant and
important issue that certain others might
not find profitable to discuss.

Timothy A. Johnson

Hollywood, California

The Crisis Crisis, by Peter Moore,
reminds me again to ask rhetorically,
What is the value of any of our freedoms if
we do not have freedom from fear?
Whether fear is real or imagined, its vic-
tims are bound and chained in emotional
slavery by it. As usual, Shakespeare said
it best “Such tricks hath strong
imagination, / that . . . in the night, imag-
ining some fear, / how easy is a bush sup-
posed a bear!”

Jim Turner
Hiawatha, Kansas

MOANS FOR JONES

Pve been infatuated—nay, in love-
with Janet Jones ever since I saw American
Anthem. So when I saw in your February
issue that she was going to appear the next.
month (Janet Jones, PLAYBOY, March), I

hyperventilated at the thought of seeing
still pictures of her.

But when I brought the issue in from.
the mailbox, I sat down and turned right
to page 124 and thought, What's this
peckaboo shit?

Yet on page 126, she is quoted as
endorsing "the notion of ‘bringing out
your sexuality without going too far.” T
have one question for Miss Jones: What is
too far? It certainly ain’t this.

Douglas H. Story
Burke, Vir;

Great cover shot of Janet Jones. She’sone
girl who surely has a Rabbit up her sleeve.
David Shadowfax

New Britain, Connecticut

Janet Jones is my new favorite blonde.
She is the best argument there is for don-
ing. I didn’t think Pd ever say it, but step
aside, Heather and Heather (that's
"Thomas and Locklear, for the comatose
among you)—there’s a new girl in town.

Charles T. Smith
Fullerton, California

BAKER TAKES THE CAKE
Your March Playmate, Marina Baker,
says, “I honestly wouldn't want to change
anything—except, perhaps, my nose.”
May I ask, uh, what nose?
Lanny R. Middings
San Ramon, California

Marina Baker is a stunncr! She need not
be so sensitive about her weight, for she
certainly is padded in all the right places.
Marina has the loveliest derrière and the
finest set of pins to be seen since the
demise of button shoes.

Harold O. Christensen
San Francisco, California.

Wow! Where did you find her? Miss
March is just fabulous! 1 think she has
every right to make Plavmate of the Year,
and I’m sure I’m not the only one who
thinks so. Is it possible we can have
another peek at her in the near future?

Phillip Caflery
Victoria, British Columbia.

The future is now, Phillip. And vemember:

Next November and December, you'll have a

chance to call in your choice for Playmate of
the Year. Don't let Marina down.

ij

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ground clearance
and a smoother ride.

CALL OF THE WILD
Answer the call with the roar of a
mighty gas-turbo 24 liter EFI.
engine that gives you 135 hp. Only
Toyota puts gas-turbo power in
4x4 trucks.
Where the pavement ends, Toyota 4x4 rule begins. And who but the leader

in 4x4s could bring you a truck like the Turbo SR5 Xtracab Sport? Heres
real cab comfort, even when you're climbing and slithering along the back
of beyond. Heres gas-turbo power and a slick 5-speed transmission to give
you the edge on rough terrain. So stow your gear behind the seats and
look out world.

LOOKING OUT FOR YOU HAS MADE TOYOTA

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© 1986 Toyota Motor Sales USA. Ine: Get More From Life... Buckle Up!

Light bar not supplied by Toyota noc intended for occupant safety.

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

BEACHBURNS

Sushi, pyramid parties, Hula-Hoops—
California has given us so much. Now that
bikini weather is on the horizon, we've
checked out the latest trend on famed Ven-
ice Beach. What are locals wezring with
their Jimmy Z's Jams? Sideburns. Think
back to Sixtics-cra John Lennon, with his
mutton chops inching down around his
jaw line, and you've got the picture. What
other new trend has our intrepid reporter
uncovered? Hookers on roller skates; but
that's another story.

LIVING-ROOM WAR
War is hell, except when you win. A
couple of years back, Oliver Stone, a Vict
vet, was doing more battle to line up
financial backing for his pet project
making the ultimate grunt's-eye-view
movie about Vietnam. The folks at
Vestron Video took a gamble and invested
about $1,500,000 to help get Platoon off
the ground in exchange for exclusive vidco
rights. Many rave reviews, more than
$60,000,000 in ticket sales and several
Oscar accolades later, Vestron finds itself
sitting on a bombshell. The home cassette
of Stone’s triumph should hit video stores
late this summer, with best-seller status
assured. So much for long shots.

THE OLIVER TREND

Speaking of Oliver Stone, it looks as
though we're at the cusp of an Oliver
trend. This dignificd but dated name (Oli-
ver Cromwell, Oliver Wendell Holmes) is
lately everywhere you look.

Consider: Vietnam — vet/screenplay
writer/director Stone is the auleur of the
year. Oliver Sacks, a rotund, bespectacled
neurologist with three obscure books to
his credit, put down his stethoscope to pen
the national best seller The Man Who Mis-
took His Wife for a Hat, a collection of clin-
ical tales that has turned out to be the
fastest-selling trade paperback Harper &
Row has ever published. Then there's
Oliver North, that boyish-looking Marine
formerly of the National Security Council,
who has emerged at the focal point of the

worst political scandal since Watergate,
holding the potential power to bring down
the President himself. Jumping on the Oli-
ver band wagon, Hollywood may buy
North's story. Superagent Irving “Swifty”
Lazar claims he could get $5,000,000 for
it. Even Oliver Reed, the movie star (Oli-
ver!), is in for a comeback. He starred in
this year's Captive and has just finished
filming a new movie in Africa

And a whole new crop of Olivers is com-

ing up.
Biostatistics reports a surge in newborns
with the name: 40 new little Olivers this
year, up one third from a decade ago.

SAY FA-HEE-TA

When Sonny “Е
growing up in the Rio Grande Valley,
ncighbors grilled skirt steak at back-yard
barbecues. In the late Sixties,
began selling grilled skirt steak wrapped
in flour tortillas from a roadside stand in
Kyle, Texas—the first fajita stand, he
believes, in the world. Falcon stops short
of claiming that he invented the fajita.
That crumb falls to the border-town folk

jita King" Falcon was

Falcon

4

The New York State Bureau of

who bought skirt steak (beef diaphragm
muscle—yuk!) years before anyone else,
because it was all they could afford.

In 1978, Falcon opened a permanent
Fajita King concession in an Austin mall
A ycar later, Bob Conover of Texas Meat
Purveyors noted a growing customer
demand for skirt steak. By 1982, the Aus-
tin Hyatt Regency was serving 13,000
orders of fajitas a month. The hotel chain
is credited with spreading the fajila Gos-
pel across the nation

While you can still scarf down a fajita
taco for around a buck in Texas, а fajita
plate—served with grilled onions, salsa
and guacamole—goes for upwards of six
bucks; in New York City, $10 to $15.

Now chefs all over are stuffing tortillas
with everything from lobster to chicken
and calling them fajilas. A tragedy, opines
Falcon: “The word has been raped. It's
unfair that a lot of people may never taste
a true fajita and die believing they have.”

Meatman Conover is less of a. puris
“We've taken a poor man’s necessity and
improved on it. We would have done it
with beans,” he adds, “but they just kept
falling through the grill.”

DRUMS ALONG THE POTOMAC

While the national media have been
absorbed in Contragate and carly—
yaum—Presidential-election coverage, the
dizzying pacc of D.C. life continues
unabated. Our low-down on the high life:
For a Kennedy Center appearance with
other entertainers, singer Linda Ronstadt
forbade cameras taping the event to shoot
her, because she is self-conscious about a
recent weight gain. . . . At an all-male
gathering that included Vice-President
George Bush, Republican Senator Pete
Domenici of New Mexico joked that he
so charismatic when he speaks in public
that women throw their panties at him.
“It happened again just yesterday,” said
Domenici. “I just don't know what
got into Senator Mikulski.” Barbara
Mikulski, the stocky, middle-aged fresh-
man Democrat from Maryland, wasn’t
pleased when she heard of the crack,
though her office began answering
the phone “Panty Central.” . . . Sports

15

RAW

DATA

SIGNIFICA, | _SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | STATS AND FACTS

ANIMAL STORIES

Amount spent daily
in the U.S. on pet
toys: $3,600,000.

B

Amount spent dai
ly on pet clothes:
$27,000.

.
Number of pets
handled by U.S.
shelters annually:

11,600,000. Amount.
spent annually on
food and shelter for
stray pets: $75,400,000.

CHARITY BEGINS
AT HOME

Percentage of For-

who, given a choice of
accepting a free bottle
of champagne or a
donation in their
name to charity, chose
charity: three.

CALL ME A LAWYER

Number of students seeking doctor-
ates in U.S. law schools, 1985-1986:
118,700.

Number of pra
U.S.: 673,745.

ing lawyers in the

б
Number of disbarments, suspensions
and public reprimands imposed on
lawyers by the state and Federal court.
systems in 1985: 1407.
.
Number of U.S. lawyers disbarred in
1985: 448.
E
Most frequent reasons for disbar-
ment: general neglect, felonies, failure
to communicate and commingling, con-
version or misappropriation of funds.

FLL TAKE CASH

Number of credit cards lost or stolen
per vear: nearly 3,700,000.
.

Average amount thieves spend using
lost or stolen cards: $46.22.
.
Percentage of credit cards lost or

FACT OF THE MONTH

Materials used to produce
initial orders (1,500,000 cop-
ies) of Bruce Springsteen & the
E Street Band Livel1975—85, a
boxed set—773,129 pounds of 19; of women, 21.
vinyl and 910,000,000 feet of >
half-inch tape, enough to cover
five football fields.

stolen within 25 miles
of home: 80.

SKIN-DEEP

Number of Ameri-
can men who had hair
transplants in 1984,
4275; car-reduction
surgery, 6072.

.

Number of Ameri-
can women who had
liposuction surgery in
1984, 51473; nose
jobs, 53,580.

б

Percentage of men
who would like to
change their weight,
41; of women, 55. Per-
centage of overweight
men who see them-
selves as attractive,

Amount spent
annually by Ameri-
cans at hair salons,
19.9 billion dollars; at barbershops, 2.9
billion dollars.

JUNK FOOD

Volume of Coca-Cola consumed per
day world-wide: 2.9 billion ounces,
enough to fill 539,244 bathtubs.

5

Number of Oreo cookies sold per
day: 16,400,000, enough to cover as
much wall space as 29,354 rolls of

wallpaper.

QUOTE

“My greatest gift is my ability to be
myself at all times, no matter what. . . .
l have the ability to be perfectly
vulnerable at all times.”—Oprah
Winfrey in Spy, December 1986.

TOMORROW'S LEADERS

Twenty percent of all college stu-
dents believe it is dangerous for a
woman to have sex while menstruating.

.

Fifty percent believe condoms come
in diflerent sizes.

.

Fifty percent believe that Noah's ark
existed.

commentator and ex-football coach John
Madden may appear in TV commercials
for Ramada Inns, but when he's in Wash-
ington, he stays at the swanky $175-a-
night Grand Hotel. The Grand’s hotel
staf, which fetches three-dollar cigars
from a local tobacco shop for Madden,
was sent by Christie Brinkley to purchase
Baby Wipes when the model, husband
Billy Jocl and baby were in the nation’s
capital during a concert tour.... And
whoever stole radio talk-show host Larry
g's Buick Riviera sure hated Ole Blue
Eyes. Driving off down Pennsylvania Avc-
nue, the thicf tossed 15 of King's prized
Frank Sinatra tapes out the window.

TIMEKEEPER

Most musicians consider themselves
lucky just to live to be 60. Vibraharpist
Lionel Hampton celebrates the 60th year
of his music career during the Playboy
Jazz Festival June 13 and 14. To put that
into perspective, here's a list of ten acts
whose combined careers total 60 years:
Prince, Chrissie Hynde, Mark Knopfler,
Julian Lennon, Joe Jackson, Howard
Jones, Gregory Abbott, Samantha Fox,
Stanley Jordan and the Beastie Boys. And
may they all be around as long as Hamp-
ton. Hats off to the Hamp.

UNTOUCHABLE GUY

The Untouchables may be the hit of the
summer, with a slick script by David
Mamet—including a great closing line
and enough gore to satisfy the most ardent
fans of director Brian DePalma. One pro-
duction assistant told us the real special
effects began when Robert De Niro
showed up on the set in Chicago weighing
an extra 20 pounds, ready to play an
extended cameo as Al Capone. It’s
rumored that he even had a personal bar-
ber chair installed in his hotel room—just
like Scarface. One courtroom scene lost a
take when De Niro broke free from his
mob of bodyguards and took a kick at co-
star Andy Garcia. The bodyguards, by the
way, were the real thing—hand selected
by De Niro in Brooklyn.

AND A WALK ON THE WIRED SIDE

Byteheads who previously thought that
reading was just a town in Pennsylvania
now have a novel. Amnesia, by PLAYBOY
science-fiction writer Thomas M. Disch, is
the first all-text computer adventure writ-
ten by a novelist. Here, the "reader" gets
to play the main character in a hellish
Manhattan landscape, beginning at the
mysterious Sunderland Hotel, where the
protagonist, broke and naked, has also lost
his identity. Attacks by assorted. baddies
and choice dilemmas—death by firing
squad or by suicide?—keep the going
spicy. With more than 4000 Manhattan
locations, including 650 streets and the
entirc downtown subway system, in Amne-
sia, finding oneself becomes nearly the
challenge it is in the real New York City.

1

|

>^ |

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| Con Mosa, with three

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| Our Sambuca Romana
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ways to enjoy the taste

| of Italy.

Sambuca Romana? 84
Proof Liqueur. Imported
by Morgan Furze, Ltd.
Fort Lee, N.].

Acar stereo designed
for people with ears.
And something between them.

fiddle with a confusing array of
buttons and knobs.

Keep this in mind, and its
easy to appreciate the difference
between Blaupunkt and other
leading brands.

If we don't engineer it,
we don't sell it.

While other car stereo
makers are content to purchase
tape mechanisms, amplifiers,
tuners, speaker components,
and other vital equipment from
outside sources, Blaupunkt

Odd as it may seem, most
people judge how a car stereo
sounds by judging how it looks.
Is it loaded with flashing
Littered with impressive

Then it must be a sterling:
example of modern technology.

This reaction, while some-
what understandable, never
ceases to amaze the 326 car
stereo engineers who work for
Blaupunkt in Hildesheim,
West Germany.

EJECT

The Blaupunkt Lexington SQR 46. Complex audio lechnology engineered to be simple.

engineers do almost everything
from scratch.

"To pack more tech-

nology into a smaller

space, Blaupunkt en-

They prefer to take a more
intelligent approach.

When designing car
stereos, don’t forget the car.

Blaupunkt might be the
only car stereo company that gineers design their
thoroughly understands this very own circuitry
simple fact: Controls are designed to

A car is a horrible place in ensure ease of operation even
which to reproduce true high- while wearing
fidelity sound. racing gloves.

It requires an incredible
effort to overcome challenges
like road noise and vibration.
Shrill glass surfaces. Cushiony
seats. Bad reception. Tempera-
ture variations. And the ob-
vious principle that a driver
has better things to do than to

and hybrid chips.

o eliminate wow and
flutter in cassette mechanisms,
dynamically-balanced heavy
brass flywheels are honed to
within tolerances of .005 inch.

"To make systems easier to
operate, controls are arrang-
ed in logical fashion. So
drivers can operate them
by touch, without taking
their eyes off the road.

Its a painstaking pro-
cess. And its repeated for every
product we offer.
Cassette receivers. CD
players. Amplifiers
Equalizers. Speakers.
Antennas. Even the
connecting cables.

Few manufac-
turers go to all this
trouble. With every
feature. On every
product.

Which makes it
all the more remarkable that the
design stage is only the first step
in making a Blaupunkt.

Now comes the hard part.

"Iuners are taken from
mountain ranges to bustling
urban areas to measure radio
reception.

Antennas spend weeks in
salt baths in order to measure
rust resistance.

Literally hundreds of tests
are conducted.

"To ensure performance

at 160°F above zero.
"Ioensure perform-
ance at5°F below f
zero. To ensure per-
formance after 24 hours

The mountains of
of punishing vibrations.

Last year alone, Blaupunkt
engineers spent hundreds of
thousands of hours testing.

And once a new model is
approved for production, you
might imagine that Blaupunkt

to up to 400 additional tests.
Why do we do it?

If you'rea rational person,
you almost begin to wonder why
on earth Blaupunkt goes to such
incredible lengths.

Perhaps because customers

Standard in VW and BMW (Europe), and worldwide in Ferrari, Porsche, and Audi.

engineers might relax a bit.

Wrong.

Every individual compo-
nent is tested before assembly.

"Then tested again during
assembly.

"Then the finished product
is placed on a computer stand
and tested before shipping.

But even that isn't enous

Spot checks at random
during assembly subject units
Blaupunkt technicians in
specially equipped vans
cover the globe to
test products.
covers
the US.

——

have come to expect it.

Customers like you.

And customers like Lotus.
Porsche. Audi. Rolls-Royce.
Aston-Martin. Ferrari. Just to
name a few.

But a more important
reason is simply because thats
the way they do things over in
Hildesheim, West Germany.

Since 1932, when Blaupunkt
introduced the first car radio to
Europe, Blaupunkt has

been obsessed
with automotive
sound.
It's hard to
j argue with the
results.
Over the
years, Blaupunkt
has earned hun-
dreds of patents in
the field of auto-
motive sound.
Example: ARI, a remar
able technology that brings you
up-to-the-minute local traffic
reports in many major Amer-
ican citie:
And

5 a standard feature

Europe are just one of the obstacles Blaupunkt engineers have had lo overcome to improve radio reception.

in most new Blaupunkt AM/FM
cassette receivers.
A thank you.
And an invitation.
While we appreciate this

opportunity to explain how
well Blaupunkts are built, we
are regretfully unable to demon-
strate how good they sound.
For that, we invite you to
visit the independent car stereo
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@BLAUPUNKT

BOSCH Group

PLAYMATE HOSIERY 2

TryOn The Feeling!

rises, Inc., by Adams-Millis Corp.
© 1987 Playboy Enterprises, inê.

PLAYMATE and RABBIT HEAD DESIGN are marks of and used under license from Playboy Enterpr

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

ANOTHER BOLD STEP in the post-Rambo phase
of national soul searching about Victnam,
The Hanoi Hilton (Cannon) is dynamic
drama, a kind of angst-laden epilog to
Platoon. Applauding Oliver Stone's de-
finitive battle epic was easy for antiwar
activists and liberals, who may feel stiffly
challenged by writer-director Lionel
Chetwynd's poignant homage to U.S.
prisoners of war. The movie borrows its
title from the infamous Hoa Lo prison,
where many were entombed for nearly a
decade, Perceiving themselves as forgotten
men, shaken by news from Stateside about
rising protests against an endless, un-
winnable war, they were tortured, bro-
ken in body and spirit. Many confessed to
their “crimes.” How some died and some
survived with a saving scrap of dignity is
Chetwynd's story, distilled from inter-
views with more than 100 former POWs.

The captives’ ordeal is rendered in
blood and tears within a prison com-
pound, where cinematographer Mark
(The Fly) Irwin devises an unnerving
essay on claustrophobia. In his key role as
a sensitive Navy pilot who endures a ninc-
year stretch at Hoa Lo, Michael Moriarty
is brilliant at portraying stubborn courage
corroded by fear. Other actors pushing
the envelope for honors are Jeffrey Jones,
Stephen Davies, David Soul—and, espe-
cially, newcomer David Anthony Smith,
in a knockout debut as the first GI to
break under pressure. Call it a technical
snag that the men appear surprisingly
ablc-bodicd after ycars of abuse on a star-
vation diet; their moving performances
nevertheless express progressive decay
and despair. Episodic by necessity, the
movie lobs over-the-shoulder pot shots at
some targets likely to stir debate: a vile
British journalist who sees Red as right; a
malevolent Cuban inquisitor (Michael
Russo); a visiting American film star (Glo-
ria Carlin) with her naive entourage of
apologists in an episode that will not
amuse Jane Fonda. Chetwynd claims that
all such scenes are backed by POW
testimony. Whatever one's opinion of
its politics, Hanoi Hilton is inarguably
an important picture. ¥¥¥/4

.

As a film maker, Susan Seidelman is
more foxily feminine than feminist, and
she sends another fresh and saucy sympa-
thy note to modern women in Making Mr.
Right (Orion). After Desperately Secking
Susan, a hard act to follow, what could be
righter than a bright, high-key Eighties
comedy about people desperately seeking
relationships? Seidelman’s new heroine is
a Miami public-relations dynamo (Ann
Magnuson, born to recycle Shirley Mac-
Laine parts) who's hired to promote a
robotic man named Ulysses. The robot

Moriarty's miserable Hanoi Hilton digs.

A poignant homage to
POWS; desperately seeking
Mr. Right.

has been created in his own image by an
uptight scientist (both roles played with
deadpan zest by John Malkovich). "Turns
out the replica is phallically fully
equipped and most companionable. Mr.
Right wastes very little time spoofing s-f
but does suggest that connecting sexually
and emotionally is no simple matter now-
adays. ¥¥¥
.

A movie called Lily Tomlin (Broomficld
urchill) is already in theaters nation-
wide despite efforts by Tomlin's lawyers to
obtain a court unction barring its
release. We can skip the legal arguments.
What you get here, distributed independ-
ently by film makers Joan Churchill and
Nicholas Broomfield, is a patchy, shot-on-
the-run record of Lily en route to Broad-
way with her spectacularly successful
one-woman show The Search for Signs of
Intelligent Life in the Universe. Whether or
not the lady herself likes it, Lily Tomlin on
film is revealing, riotous and sure to gener-
ate “enhanced interest in seeing the show
in its entirety.” That's a direct quote from
the California judge who said no to
Tomlin's lawsuit while giving the last
laugh to millions of depr
ncver saw Search on.

.

Danny DeVito and Richard Dreyfuss
clearly relish their roles in Tin Men (Touch-
stone) as a couple of rival aluminum-

siding salesmen hawking their wares
around Baltimore circa 1963. Happily, the
performers” enjoyment becomes conta-

gious under the skillful guidance of writer-
director Barry Levinson, a Baltimore
native back on home ground, where he
made Diner, a 1982 sleeper about mis-
spent youth. Levinson's subjects now are
an older generation of cronies and con
men who meet regularly to trade tips in
what appears to be the same diner. Jackie
Gayle and John Mahoney shine as fast-
talking side-kicks to DeVito and Dreyfuss,
whose blood feud starts with a fender
bender and winds up with Dreyfuss’
vengefully seducing DeVito’s dissatisfied
wile (Barbara Hershey). From then on,
destiny locks them into a gloriously cock-
eyed triangle. Tin Men meanders and
Occasionally strains credulity, but any
lapses are smoothed over by the casy,
affectionate tone of a shrewd film maker
working from firsthand observation. Levin-
son woos you into liking these guys. ¥¥¥
.

There is only superficial kinship be-
tween Italian director Marco Bel-
locchio's Devil in the Flesh (Orion Classics)
and the landmark 1947 French film star-
ring Gérard Philipe. Both concern a
schoolboy's passionate affair with an older
woman, and the French original stirred
controversy because the woman was a sol-
dier's wife in wartime. Bellocchio's new,
updated, X-rated version is more likely to
be remarked upon and remembered for an.
oralsex episode—specifically a tender,
loving but unmistakably explicit scene
of fellatio practiced by the heroine
(Maruschka Detmers) on her teenaged
inamorato (Federico Pitz: Detmers
has an early-Jane Fonda look, along with
an air of uncomplicated sensuality that
would excite interest on any occasion
Otherwise, Devil in the Flesh scems curi-
ously pallid and pointless despite the
director’s assured professional touch.
Here, the callow 18-year-old Andrea ај
pears only marginally younger than his
mistress, Giulia, portrayed in contempo-
rary terms as a winsome single sexpot
who's engaged to marry a penitent terror-
ist on trial for his crimes. Andrea's worst
problem is that his schoolwork suffers.
While arguments for and against fun with
Giulia soon grow wearisome, the time
spent playing hooky with Maruschka
ought to keep everyone wide-awake. YY

.

Is there sex after death? Docs the so-
called Great Beyond have angels flying
around? Is it just a city like New York,
L.A. or Chicago? So go the questions
answered one way or апос! Heaven
(Island), a provocative and diverting doc-
umentary directed by Diane Keaton (yes,
that Diane Keaton). Having a celebrity
presence behind the camera probably
gives Heaven a hand as well as a handle
to save it from sudden death and swift

17

PLAYBOY

banishment to its natural home on public
television. The concept is based on inter-
views in a trendy, otherworldly setting
with plain folk, amatcur psychics,
straights, gays, wild eccentrics or anyone
with an opinion about an afterlife. Film
editor Paul Barnes at least matches
Keaton’s contribution by bringing Heaven
into focus against a pastiche of vintage
newsreels, animation and clips from
fondly remembered old movies. Bits of it

bristle with off-the-wall humor worthy of

Woody Allen, and that’s high praise. У.
.

Wild excess is the constant factor in the
collected works of Ken Russell, a director
who's almost never dull but may occasion-
ally travel too fast for audiences sitting
down cold sober. Still, those with high tol-
сгапсе for his headlong style should find
Gothic (Vestron) one hell of a trip. It
doesn't often make sense, yet the movic
richly earns its title as a hallucinatory
supernatural tale, set in a gloomy Swiss
villa on a long, stormy night back in 1816.
Gothic freely re-creates that famous gath-
ering where Магу Godwin— mistress and
wife-to-be of the poet Shelley—conjured
up the dark, demonic forces she would one
day bring to light in a novel called
Frankenstein. In an auspicious major-
movie debut as Mary, Natasha Richard-
son (daughter of Vanessa Redgrave and
director Tony Richardson) projects the
sort of graceful hysteria appropriate to a
Gothic heroine. Letting out all stops
among the bizarre company she kecps arc
Julian Sands as Shelley, Gabriel Byrne as
Lord Byron, Myriam Cyr as Byron’s bra.
zen mistress, Claire, and Timothy Spall as
the weird Dr. Polidori, who scems devoted
to Byron, body and soul. High on opium
or heated imaginations, insomniacs all,
with their creative juices at the boiling
point, they streak from séances to sex
games to fearsome fantasies about death.
Stephen Volk’s screenplay is wordy, but
words fade against the crashing sights and
sounds of 2 cinematic Walpurgisnacht that
proves again that there's as much method
as madness in Russellmania. ¥¥¥

.

Write off the ratings battle over Angel
Heart (Tri-Star) as a tempest in a fleshpot
Alan Parker’s cerie occult suspense drama
was initially Xed (later cut ten seconds for
an R) largely because of a blood-spattered
bed scene between Mickey Rourke and
petite Lisa Bonet of TV fame, who seldom
docs anything so untidy on The Cosby
Show. Like much of Angel Heart, that gory
tumble in the sack may be mere fantasy
Bonet plays a mambo priestess, Rourke a
shambling private eye on the trail of a
missing man. As the mysterious stranger
who hires him, Robert De Niro plays
a character I cannot describe without
blowing the lid off Parker's plot (which
he adapted from a novel by William
Hjortsberg that was serialized in PLAYBOY
in 1978). The movie is stunning, though,
handsomely shot at eccentric angles to

Gothic's Richardson, Sands.

Russellmania strikes
again in Gothic; a
steamy new Devil.

give hoary old tricks a new look, Rourke's
perlormance beats anything he has done
since Body Heat, but I wish somcone had
told him that 30 years ago, a shrewd
snoop trying to pass himself off as a Gov-
ernment inspector would be unlikely to
sport a fashionable two-day growth of
beard. That's Eighties chic and no way to
treat a mid-Fiftics melodrama. ¥¥¥%
.

Coming-ofage movies about pre-
pubescents on the threshold oflife are apt
to be a pain, but My life as a Dog (Skouras)

scores as a delightful exception to the
rule. Made in Sweden, director Lasse
Hallstrom’s droll and heart-warming

tragicomedy was cited by Swedish critics
as the best film of 1985. The same group
named 12-year-old Anton Glanzelius best
actor for his portrayal of a
named Ingemar,
imp who is sent to live with his uncle in a
rustic village, leaving his dying mother
and his beloved dog behind. While death
threatens, life beckons to Ingemar in myr-
iad forms: An ailing old man enlists him to
read aloud from a ladies’-lingeric catalog;
a voluptuous blonde from the nearby
glassworks asks him to chaperone while
she models nude for a local sculptor. Ata
time when all of Sweden is cheering for
Ingemar Johansson as the next world
heavyweight champion, the boy also
meets a nubile neighbor girl who's an
expert boxer but is worried that her bud-
ding breasts may become a problem in the
ring. Unabashedly sentimental. My Life as
a Dog is nevertheless sophisticated enough
to evoke tears, laughter and bittersweet
nostalgia while summing up just how it
feels to be very, very young. ¥¥¥

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Angel Heart (Scc review) Rourke and
De Niro getting into voodoo. ЖЖ
The Assault (Reviewed 5/87) A Dutch
boy's memories of Nazi terror. ¥¥¥¥2
Beyond Therapy (4/87) Psychiatry gags
couched by Altman & Co. Ууу
Black Widow (5/87) In this glossy мер,

Russell us. Winger. E
Devil in the Flesh (Sce review) Giving
head while going classic. y

84 Charing Cross Road (5/87) Books
worms in love, sort of.

Gothic (Sce review) Lost weekend mt
Byron, Shelley and Russell. УУУ
The Hanoi Hilton (See review) Rooms
with a devastating view of Nam. УУУУ:
Heat (Listed only) Lukewarm thriller
with Burt Reynolds in Vegas. Y
Heaven (Sce review) Who's that down
here asking what's up there? Why, it’s
Diane Keaton. WW,
Hollywood Shuffle (5/87) On being
gifted and black in Tinseltown. ¥¥¥
Hoosiers (11/86) Hoop yarn about
small-town underdogs, winningly led
by Hackman and Hopper. YY
Kangaroo (Listed only) А D. Н. Law-
rence trip with Judy Davis. wu
Lethal Weapon (Listed only) Lacking
ammo, Gibson, Glover still score. ¥¥
Lily Tomlin (See revicw) Getting her
show on the road, reluctantly. ¥¥¥
Making Mr. Right (Sce review) Frisky
fun with a working-model man. ¥¥¥
My Life as a Dog (Sce review) From Swe-
den, warm coming-of-age comedy with
bark as well as bite. yyy
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 (Listed
only) So twice was not enough? More
ghoulish fun with Freddy. EA
Personal Services (4/87) Bawds of Lon-
don, courtesy of Terry Jones. ¥¥¥
Platoon (1/87) Oliver Stone's harrow-
ing images of boys at war. WI,
Prick Up Your Ears (5/87) The grim life
and death of gay Joe Orton. yyy
Radio Days (4/87) Woody Allen’s ode to
lost innocence. Tune in. m
Reising Arizona (5/87) Madcap amoral-
ity from the Coen boys. EA
Some Kind of Wonderful (Listed only) For
the wet bchind the cars. yy
The Stepfather (3/87) Edge-of-your-seat
stuff with a baaad dad. wy
Street Smart (5/87) Some rather nasty
doings in New York. PA
Tin Men (Scc review) A pair of sales
sharpics testing their теше. m
Waiting for the Moon (5/87) Somewhat
as they were, here come Alice B. Toklas
and Gertrude Stein. wu

¥¥¥¥ Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

YY Worth a look
Y Forget it

EST

^n'Roll On CDs! ©

те:
brigh

T
hter a

the original stars and their

l hit recordings.

1957 Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’
OnlJerry Lee Lewis « Little Darlin!
The Diamonds * Up Little
Susie/The Everly Brothers • Peggy
Suelauddy Holly = At the Hop/Dan,
ny and the Juniors * I'm Walkin’
Fats Domino • Keep A Knockin'/Lit-
tle Richard e School Day/Chuck
Berry * Come Go with Me/The Dell-
Vikings + Searchin/The Coasters «
Party DolUBuddy Knox • Great
Balls of FirelJerry Lee Lewis e
Jim Dandy/LaVern Baker
+ Suzie-Q/Dale Hawkins e

Happy Birthday

е Tune Weavers *
Short Fat FannielLarıy
Williams * Mr. Lee/The
Bobbettes • Could This Be
Magic/The Dubs * Young
Blood/The Coasters « Over
the Mountain, Across the
Sea/Johnnie and Joe * С.С.
Rider/Chuck Willis + Little Bit-
ty Pretty One/Thurston Harris

1962 Duke of EarliGene
Chandler * Palisades Park!
Freddy Cannon ® The Loco-Motion!
Little Eva * Soldier Boy/The Shirelles
* The Wanderer/Dion * Twistin' the

The Isley Brothers * plus 14 more!

1958 Yakety Yak/The Coasters •
Sweet Little Sixteen/Chuck Berry *
Good Golly. Miss Molly/Little
Richard « Chantilly LacelBig Bopper
+ To Know Him. IS to Love Him The
Teddy Bears * Do You Wanna Dancel
Bobby Freeman + plus 16 more!

Avis Presley: 1954-1961 Heart-
break Hotel • Hound Dog * Don't Be
Cruel = Hard Headed Woman = All
Shock Up * Are You Lonesome
Tonight? * Jailhouse Rock • Love
Me Tender * plus 14 more!

1964 Where Did Our Love GolThe
Supremes * California Sun/The
Rivieras * Under the Boardwalk/
The Drifers • It Hurts to Be in Love/
Gene Pitney • The Little Old Lady
(from Pasadena)/Jan and Dean * You
Dont Own MelLesley Gore * Oh.
Pretty Woman/Roy Orbison « My
GuylMary Wells • C'mon and Swim)
Bobby Freeman • plus 13 more!

Each album features:

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"Огу the original recordings by
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m AlI songs digitally remastered

Informative liner notes and
discography

Clear Digital Sound on
assettes and LPs

The Supremes

Get ready for a revolution in
sound. The Rock т’ Roll Era |
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Whichever format you choose,
cach album has been digitally
remastered for stateoftheart
audio brilliance, and each comes |
with informative liner notes, and
a discography.

Each album in The Rock "n^
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year. from 1954 to 1964, plus
albums spotlighting The Beach
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The Rock 'n' Roll Era brings you
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WW YES! Please send 1957 to begin my subscription to
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DAVE MARSH

MARION WILLIAMS is as talented as any living
singer this side of Aretha Franklin. She's
less well known only because she sings
Gospel music and records infrequently.
Ive Come So Far, her first album in five
years and the lead release on Gospel
expert Anthony Heilbut’s new SpiritFeel
label, is as fine an example of traditional
black church singing as anyone has
released in recent years. Farther On Up the.
Road, a hymn later converted to an R&B
hit by Bobby Bland, is given house-
shaking treatment; Гое Come So Far is a
magnificent example of Williams” blues
п; and Man-
sion Builder makes something valuable of
contemporary Gospel, a genre I'd hereto-
fore considered irredeemable.

Gospel music is as much a part of the
foundation of rock and R&B as blues or
country, but it's been ignored. Mostly,
that's because its religious themes get in
the way of secular critics, but listeners
steeped in vernacular idioms also stumble
over the fact that its greatest exponents
have often been women, such as Williams.
and Mahalia Jackson, who sing with
extremely formal diction and phrasing.
The result is an American music scene
that rewards the soulless likes of Amy
Grant but remains ignorant of such cru-
cial Gospel forefathers as R. H. Harris,
Harris is best known as the man whom
Sam Cooke replaced in the Soul Stirrers,
but, in fact, he was a grcat stylist in his
own right, as revealed by the eight Harris-
led Soul Stirrers tracks from the Thirties
and Forties on SpiritFeel’s other debut
release, Father and Sons. Marion Williams
was a crucial inspiration for Little Rich-
ard, it’s true, but the Harris-era Soul
Stirrers (like the Five Blind Boys of Mis-
sissippi and The Sensational Nightingales,
the other groups represented on Father
and Sons) were the obvious antecedents of
doo-wop and such wailing R&B greats as
Clyde McPhatter and Cooke. Both al-
bums are indispensable for anyone won-
dering where today’s music came from
and, given Williams’ exorcising of pop
Gospel's banalities, maybe even where it
could be heading.

NELSON GEORGE

Before Prince transformed Sheila Es-
covedo into Sheila E., she was а fiery per-
cussionist who'd played funk, jazz and
fusion music with passion. Under his
guidance, she became a sexy product of
the Minneapolis sound. Certainly, she
was better than Vanity or Apollonia, but
her versatility remained untapped. On
Sheila E. (Paisley Park/Warner), Sheila E.
successfully stretches out, in large part
because she had more creative control

Marion Williams: God's best?

Hot Gospel,
Beatlemania I!
and new Brit rock.

than on her first two Prince-sponsored
efforts. On such songs as Wednesday Like a
River, Soul Salsa and Love on a Blue
Train, the arrangements are clever and
Sheila E.'s aggressive vocal attack well
suited to the mostly up-tempo material.
Caravan of Love, a song written and
originally recorded by Isley-Jasper-Isley,
hit number one in the United Kingdom
when it was covered by The Housemartins
last winter, which suggests the good taste
of that English quartet and the songwrit-
ing strength of Ernie Isley, Chris Jasper
and Marvin Isley. These three, who
throughout the Seventies injected. new
vitality into The Isley Brothers, have
emerged on their own as able, engaging
tunesmiths. Their unnecessary rewrite of
Caravan as Brother to Brother notwith-
standing, Different Drummer (CBS) is
stuffed with satiny mid-tempo tunes.

ROBERT CHRISTGAU
Andy Partridge and Colin Moulding

have shared a passion for arty popcraft
since forming their first band in 1973—a
band that surfaced as XTC in punk 1977
and retired to the studio as soon as seemed
decent. Often their structures and poly-
rhythms have been too fussy, but Skylark-
ing (Geffen) is what arty solitude is for.
With Todd Rundgren adding his jeweler's
touch to some very melodic songs, the
album soars like a bird or good Shelley,
especially when it celebrates young love—
most enticingly on a song called Grass,

about something good to do there, though
at least halfa dozen others come close.

In the tradition of England's depressed
industrial north, The Housemartins are
more soulful still, and they've made а
splash in their nation's troubled waters
with their cardigans and baggy pants.
These unpretentious lads are so perky,
you think they're about to break into a
cereal commercial; but, in fact, they have
a different product in mind: so revo-
lution, with equal credit to Marx and
Jesus. And if you give the at first annoy-
ingly cheerful music on London O Hull 4
(Elektra) a chance to rouse you, you, too,
will be humming, “Don’t shoot someone
tomorrow / That you can shoot today.”

CHARLES M. YOUNG

As one who recently stuffed $2000
worth of word processor into the closet
and dusted off his manual typewriter, I
haye a decp suspicion of technology.
Nonetheless, I bought a component CD
player when Capitol started its yearlong
CD reissue of its Beatles catalog. Have I
been suckered into another pointless sub-
sidy of the microchip industry or is the
sound quality worth it? Playing the same
cut on album and CD and switching
between them, I conclude that there is a
big difference. Everything is brighter and

GUEST SHOT

ANYONE wHo knows anything about
baseball knows Keith Hernandez of
the New York Mets. He played a key
role in the Mets’ 1986 world-series
victory and has won the Gold Glove
Award nine years in a row. Under-
standably, he’s known as the premier
fielding first baseman. We asked him if
the Beastie Boys gol to first base with
their first effort, “Licensed to Ill.”

“The main thing I enjoyed about
this is that the Beastie Boys sound
like they were having incredible fun
doing it. The single (You Gotta)
Fight for Your Right (to Party)!
makes me want to pick up a glove
and play—I'd like it if they played
this album at the ball park. Pm
prejudiced, though—I've seen the
Beastie Boys perform, and some of
them wear Mets caps.”

IMPORTERS.

T DISTROS)

W YORK NE
55 PROOF

W ELL, THE GLENLIVET Scotch whisky does cost around

$20.00. Which some say is a small price to pay for a
Scotch which has been made in the same unique way
since 1747. A 12-year-old single malt Scotch with a
smoothness and unique character that is unsurpassed to
this day. All of which could explain why people are so
strangely possessive about The Glenlivet. Which is a pity.
You might just have to buy a bottle of your own.

THE GLENLIVET. JUST SLIGHTLY OUT Or REACH.

FAST TRACKS

Band Live
| Hear Yau Rackin^

The Dave. d

a

Lou Gramm |
Ready or Nat

o (un

Bruce Hornsby
& the Range
The Woy It Is 4

Psychedelic Furs |
Midnight ta Midnight

a

Patty Smyth
Never Enough 6

C |» IN

REELING AND ROCKING: Look for Ted
Nugent to make his feature-film debut
in State Park. Nugent plays himself and
sings Love Is Like a Chain Saw, which
he describes as “а moving love song
for these times.". . . Screenwriter Joe
Eszterhaus, who wrote Jagged Edge, is
writing a sequel to Nashville. . . . Tina's
hit song Private Dancer, written by
Mark Knopfler, is being developed as a
movie by the producers of Flashdance,
Peter Guber and Jon Peters. . . . Billy Jool
and Bette Midler are providing the
voices for an animated Disney film of
Oliver Twist... . . Diane Keaton plans to
direct a music video for Belinda Carlisle.

NEWSBREAKS: The Boss has recorded a
song with Little Steven for Van Zondrs
album Freedom—No Compromise. .
Check out Bebe Buell and her band, The
Gargoyles’, tune Jacuzzi Jungle.
Remember the great party band that
played for the toga party in Animal
House? Otis Day and the Knights are mak-
ing an album, produced by George Clin-
ton, duc out any day now. . . . Robert
Croy will play on Mick Jagger's second
solo effort. . . . The Temptations will
return to the studio with Dennis
Edwards in tow. Edwards will continue
to solo, too. . . . Crystal Gayle will open
a crystal-and-porcelain-gift shop in
Nashville this month. . . . Crosby, Stills
end Nash are recording together
again....Debbie Harry and Belinda
Carlisle are hosting a Cinemax special,
The Legendary Ladies, including Lesley
Gore, Martha Reeves, Ronnie Spector, Mary
Wells and Darlene Love. It will air this
summer, . . . Director John Hughes has
a distribution deal with MCA lor his
own record company, Hughes Music.
"The first release will be the sound
track to his latest movie, Some Kind of
Wonderful, but the label will also lock
for non-sound-track artists. Rick

Nelson's twin sons have completed an
album and are scouting a label. . . .
Willie Nelson is planning Farm Aid 111
for September in Lincoln, Nebraska
Willie says hc hopes there won't be a
need for Farm Aid IV. . . . Phil Ramone
is producing the next Paul McCartney
effort, and word has it that you'll be
able to hear The Beatles' influence on
the new stuff Paul's writing
Aretha, James Brown, Wilson Pickett, Rob-
ort Palmer, Billy Vera and Joe Cocker
taped a Cinemax TV special at a club
in Detroit. Aretha and the Godfather.
duet on It's a Man's Man's Man's World.
and Do Right Woman, Do Right Man.
Diana Ross is working on a special for
ABC Whats in the works for the
Beach Boys’ 25th anniversary? A TV
special, a retail clothing line, songs on
movie sound tracks, about 200 con-
certs and Annette and Frankie Avalon's
Back to the Beach, with mood music
provided by the Beach Boys.... The
thing wc like best about Cameo's suc-
cess story is not just the fact that the
band has a crossover hit with Word Up
but that it is the only U.S. R & B group
we can think of that went to England to
get hot and then came home. . . . Gui-
tar legend Duane Eddy has an album
coming out. . . . Huey Lewis has report-
edly turned down big bucks from
Coca-Cola for a commercial. . . . The
San Francisco Health Department has
high school students competing to see
who can come up with the best rap
about AIDS. The winner gets cash and
a chance to perform on TV. Here are a
few lines composed on the day the con-
test was announced: “People catching
AIDS all over the nation / For a cure,
there is no explanation / Wear a con-
dom when you get an erection. . . ./ So
you won't get any infection." Not bad.
— BARBARA NELLIS

clearer on CD, and the bass and treble
controls on my amplifier have about four
times as much power as analogue has. It is
a particular revelation to hear everything
going on in the Beatles’ rhythm section—
Ringo was one terrific drummer, and
McCartney was only passable on bass
The elimination of tape hiss and surface
noise alone is worth it for soothing the
nerves. When I want to replace a worn-
out favorite album in the future, I'm defi-
nitely upgrading to CD. Next year, I may
even try indoor plumbing.

Anyway, Capitol has reissued With the
Beatles, Please Please Me, Beatles for Sole and
A Hard Day's Night in their English ver-
sions, meaning you get more songs, but
the singles She Loves You and I Want to
Hold Your Hand aren't included. Capitol
has wisely gone back to mono where it was
recorded in mono, because all that “elec-
tronically reprocessed” stereo (the aural
equivalent of processed cheese) is bogus
technology at its worst.

The niftiest thing is that you can hear
genius unfold as the Beatles discover what
works for them and what doesn’t. What
does work (85 percent of the material) is
so exhilarating and melodious that you
don’t care if they aren't guitar virtuosos.
What doesn’t work is equally revelatory. 1
vote for A Taste of Honey and Baby It's You
as the all-time Beatles stinkers.

VIC GARBARINI

Calling Pete Townshend self-indulgent
is like calling Gorbachev a Communist
Still, Gorbachev is pretty innovative for a
Commie, and Townshend has a lot of self
to indulge. But Another Scoop (Atco), his
second double album of demos and out-
takes, should be of interest only to musi-
cologists and rabid Who fanatics. The
early Who demos, such as The Kids Are
Alright and Pinball Wizard, are of histori-
cal value but really only show how much
he needed The Who to transform them
into the explosive statements they later
became. Pete Townshend's Deep End Live!
(Atco), the album version of the long-form
video Pete Townshend's Deep End: The
Brixton, England, Concert, is a far more
satisfying overview of ‘Townshend’s work
to date. Limiting himself to acoustic guitar
and vocals, he turns in fresh, spirited per-
formances on an assortment of Who favor-
ites, cover tunes and selections from his
three solo albums. Backed by an inspired
band of veteran session men, Townshend
proves that he no longer needs the security
blanket of The Who. He sings with the
mature grace and unaffected purity of a
man who’s suffered and survived, breath-
ing new life into such classics as Behind
Blue Eyes and Stop Hurting People. Unfor-
tunately, some of the best material in the
video isn't on the album. The consumer
should note that the animated perfor-
mances and congenial warmth of the video
add a vital dimension to the music.

“Light my Lucky"

Lights: 8 mg. "tar", 0.7 mg. nicotine; Lights 100's;
9 mg. "tar", 0.8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigerette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

By STEPHEN RANDALL

WELCOME TO the year of the castration com-
plex. You may not have noticed it in your-
self, or even in your friends, but judging
from many of this year's comedy albums,
men have little else on their minds other
than an overwhelming concern about
their equipment and the supposed threats
posed to it by—gasp!—the dreaded fe-
male enemy.

Take Sam Kinison's first album, Louder
than Hell (Warner). Kinison, of course, is
this year’s hottest comic, and no one gets
bigger laughs from an audience. And
many of those laughs come from his para-
noia abont his apparatus. “The best thing
about marriage is that these arc con-
nected,” he screams (Kinison is almost
always screaming). “They don't come off.
If they did, your wife would take them as
soon as you got married." His act is popu-
lated with emasculating bitches (com-
pared with marriage, he yells, "Hell
would bc like Club Mcd"), and Kinison is.
venomous—maybe too venomous—about
women. "I'm trying to talk as many men
as I can into not fucking women in the
ass," he announces. "Come on, guys,
there's other ways to hurt them." It makes
you wonder if the poor guy has any sex life
at all.

Much of his material is even edgier,
making him perhaps the most tasteless
comedian who currently has a major
recording contract. It’s as if someone,
right after the spacc-shuttle disaster, had
released an album of Challenger jokes.
Kinison is one of life's guiltier pleasures, if
he’s a pleasure at all, and it will be inter-

ting to sec if his appeal is enduring or
imply the result of shock value.

On A Night et the Met (Columbia),
Robin Williams is also worried about, in
his words, “Мг. Phallus,” or 1
wearing a helmet. . .. We have no control
over this tiny beast,” he complains. “It
should be a separate creature. You should
be able to take him off and —boom! put
him on the ground." While Kinison ham-
mers away at the same material, Wil
shows amazing range and depth. His act is
largely autobiographical, and he's very
funny describing his own baules with
alcohol and drugs. He refers to himself as
a reformed alcoholic: “I’m the same ass-
hole, I just have fewer dents in my car.”
Talking about the desire for cocaine, he
ah, anyth
anoid and impotent, give me more of it.”

Much of his humor stems from his
manic energy and vocal contortions, but.
is material is first-rate, whether he's jok-
ing about politics (and dismissing Ronald
Reag; "Disney's last wish") or
describing the birth of his son and his new
role as a dad. So much of his album.
revolves around family humor, in fact,

Be

п аз

Cutup cuts.

Comics show
their stuff—
on record.

that Williams sometimes seems like a
younger, hipper version of that doyen of
domesticity, Bill Cosby.

These of You with or Without Children,
You'll Understand (Geffen) is Cosby's 22nd
album (and a 1987 Grammy
Cosby's ninth), so he brings a certain рої.
ish to the proceedings. It's typical C.
tracing the annoyances of raising unruly
kids back through the Bible to God's
problems with Adam and Eve—“If God
had trouble, what makes you think you're
going to walk through this whole thing un-
scathed?" But hi
meandering, it scems as if there are barely
ore than three punch lines on the entire
album. When a comedian reaches Cosby's
cynosure status, audiences are tempted to
laugh before the first joke is fired and, as a
result, Cosby gets more genuine laughs
during his build-ups than most comics get
with actual jokes.

Another album veteran, however, does
not quite live up to expectations. George
Carlin’s latest outing, Playin’ with Your
Head (Eardrum), is his unlucky h
album and, predictably, he gets carried
away in exploiting life's banalities. He's
concerned about how many ways we have
to hello and goodbye (aren't we all
and he manages to tap into Kini
phallic GUST SET that hi:
to say hello is "How's your hammer hang-
ing?" On a similar note, he’s disturbed by
people who bid you farewell by saying,
Have a good one.” “Hey, I already have

winner,

by

stories arc so long and

a good one,” Carlin likes to respond.
“Now Fm looking for a longer one.”

Father Guido Sarducci's Breakfast in
Heaven (Warner) is wry and cerebral, but
it’s also a little bit dull. There are, to be
sure, occasional bright moments: “If sex is
only for procreation, then it scems that
eating should only be for nut
Father Sarducci (in real life,
comedian Don Novello) also worries
about how much time we waste singing.
Happy Birthday and offers a shortened ver-
sion guaranteed to add six or seven min-
utes to anyonc's life.

While Sarducci is clearly funnier during
his threc-minute Saturday Night Live
stints, the opposite is true of Howie
Mandel. On talk shows, he wears glittery
Spandex, talks like a hyper idiot and is
often seen with an inflated rubber glove on
his head. (How does St. Elsewhere get him
to act like the normal Dr. Fiscus? Valium,
probably.) But on Fits Like а Glove
(Warner), Mandel is a refreshing surprise.
In fact, he may be the best comedian at
interacting with an audience since the
days when Don Rickles was still Don
Rickles. Mandel starts by asking a mem-
ber of the audience his name or occupa-
tion, and he manages to build on that
until he's involved a dozen or so audience
members in a hilarious ad routine
based on their lives. When one man
answers that he sells seafood, Mandel
asks, “Just like door to door? Say, “Hi, Pm
Ed. І got crabs'?" When another man
claims that he does nothing for a living,
Mandel wonders, *How do vou know
when you're finished?” Along the way, he
digresses into a more traditional but still
funny routinc—"I hate performing on the
road usually,” he whines, “ "cause the cars
blo pane ур = but
his real charm is the way he works an
audience, how quickly he ad-libs and how
he manages to weave everything together
into a very funny show

On You're in America Now, Speak Spanish
(Columbia), newcomer Paul Rodriguez
claims, “I’m the only Mexican that has
yet to win the California Lottery,” adding,
"Im not here to make you laugh, I'm here
to create racial tension.” That's promising
more than he delivers, though his riffs on
the Vietnamese and Hispanics are funny
in a traditional sort of way. And since a
trend is a trend, Rodriguez doesn't want
to be left out of the crotch-humor move-
ment. “God probably asked black guys,
‘What do you guys want? Jobs or cocks?"
I'm glad He didn't ask me, ‘cause I would
have been dragging it down the street.”
The Japanese, he claims, are not
so blessed. “Irs a law of nature, man,”
reports Rodriguez. “You got a small
penis, you'll build radios.”

Or, perhaps, make comedy albums.

BOOKS

PHILIP CAPUTO's novel indian Country
(Bantam) is about a Vietnam veteran
who, years after the fact, cannot come
home from thc war. Christian Starkmann
lives in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. He
drinks too much, picks fights and often
ignores June, the good woman who wants
to help him. As he finds himself tortured
by increasingly realistic flashbacks (“some
part of him had been another dimen-
sion where terms such as past and present
had no meaning”), his mental condition
deteriorates. Writing with depth and
authority, Caputo shows the complexity of
post-traumatic-stress disorder in small
gestures as well as large ones: “He tossed
a bottle of salad dressing like a hand gre-
nade.” A lot of veterans will nod in imme-
diate understanding. Indian Country does
a fine job of describing thc terrors of
P.T.S.D. and the healing that can ov
come it

.

“Wall Street was uniformly remorseless
toward a company that failed to provide
an acceptable return on investment-
return that was measured not even annu-
ally but quarterly." So writes John Taylor
in Storming the Magic Kingdom (Knopf), a
chilling and dramatic history of the
attempted take-over of the Walt Disney
Company in 1984. You'll meet Saul Stein-
berg (“I have a special fondness for
children,” Steinberg replied somewhat
disingenuously when asked why Disney
was his target). You'll watch Ivan Boesky
circle the opportunities and eventual-
ly stay out, and you'll sec Stanley Gold
pony up $12,000,000 in stock-margin calls
in three days—and then go after more
shares on margin shortly thereafter. And
you'll sce the struggle for power within the
corporation once greenmail had been paid
and the take-over prevented. Donald
Duck was 50 in 1984, and the studio tha:
birthed him learned a very Eighties les-
son: Even Donald isn't safe on Wall
Street.

е

P. J. O'Rourke is а Republican with a
big drink in his hand. His collection of
essays, Republican Party Reptile (Atlantic
Monthly), proves that a churchgoing, con-
servative N.R.A, member can still be a lot
of fun at parties. The subjects range from
the intellectual (whether its nobler to
read the New York Review of Books or
watch prime-time TV) to the automotiv
(Ferraris and pickup trucks) to the trans-
actional (dinner-table conversation) to
the political (the election of Aquino а
hostag Beirut). We get flas
O'Rourke in various ma;
including mAysov—but the cumulative
impact of this collection forces you to
acknowledge that you're in the presence of
a very gifted writer who is reporting from
territory he himself has created. Like

Indian Country: You can't go home ад;

Vietnam vet survives in
America; all you ever wanted
to know about baseball.

Hunter Thompson before him, though at
the opposite end of the political spectrum,
O'Rourke is an apologist for our times.

.

The lushness and sensuousness of
ancient Persia are exactly what Chloc
Fowler expects to encounter when she
travels to Shiraz, Iran, in the summer of
1978 to dabble in the study of ancient pot-
tery. Minus her quarrelsome husband and
children, she's prime for some steamy
Persian Nights (Knopf)—the apt title of
Diane Johnson's novel. But Chloe is in for
a surprise as Shiraz is caught up in the
impending revolution. She is quickly
embroiled in the suspicions (is her friend
SAVAK, is her lover СІА?), the mystery
(whose body was found in the cave?) and
the intrigue (who has rifled her room?) of
a country in turmoil. Johnson's rich writ-
ing captures the beauty of Iran, with its
strange juxtaposition of ancient and mod-
ern, as well as the inevitable cultural
clashes and paranoid reactions that engulf
both Americans and Iranians in a time of
tension,

.

“The obvious, the esoteric, the unscien-
tific but considered opinions of baseball
playerdom'—that’s Players’ Choice (Facts
on File). Authors Eugene and Roger
McCaffrey polled 645 baseball players—
young and old, dead-ball era to dome
cra—for their opinions on everything from
the best curve ball (Sandy Koufax's) to
the best sportscaster (Vin Scully) to one
ofthe 100 greatest players ofall time (Robin

Yount). As fireside reading, their 203 lists
can be dizzying, but the McCallreys have
provided the ultimate resource for settling
bar bets and bleacher head-butts. When
you get sick of armchair analysis of our
national game by chubby pundits who've
never swung a bat, turn to Players’ Choice.
E

No Deals, Mr. Bond (Putnam’s), sixth in
the series of post-Ian Fleming novels by
John Gardner, isa karate chop of a thriller
that begins with a flashback: Commander
James Bond aboard a submarine, rescuing
several young double agents from the
clutches of the K.G.B. Five years later,
somconc is killing the same double agents
and cutting their tongues out. Arrrrgh.
Bond has two weeks to catch and dispose
of the culprit or culprits—no questions
asked. While Gardner's latest Bond isn’t
exactly gilt-edged, it is formularized jolly
good fun, complete with car chases, tor-
ture chambers and a Q-packed bag of
assassination goodies. Even a junk Bond is
better than no Bond at all.

°

Dave Finnigan—a.k.a. Professor Con-
fidence—takes humankind one step closer
to the threshold of enlightenment with
The Complete Juggler (Vintage/Random
House), which uses a minimum of words
and an abundance of clear Шиви ns to
teach even the klutziest fumbler all the
right moves. Gomes complete with three
nylon scarves for practice. Don’t miss it!

BOOK BAG

Cheap/ Smart Travel (Evans), by Theo-

dore Fischer: Fischer's passion for travel-
ing on the cheap has created a Bible for
the pauper jet set. The guide is a font of
trade secrets from a travel writer who
could make cven Baby Doc rethink his
itinerary.
The Modern Guide to Sexual Etiquette for
Proper Gentlemen and Ladies ( Turnbull &
Willoughby), by Tom Carey: How to Fuck
Without Fucking Up would have made a
dandy title but probably would have kept
the author off the talk shows. A paperback
guide to bedroom nners and related
matters, done with wit and wisdom.

Flipping for It (St. Martin's), hy
Asa Rose: BoY contributor Rose's first
novel is about divorce from the man’:
viewpoint, done with humor and pathos.
Eat your heart out, Nora Ephron!

Man's Werk (Algonquin), by John Con-
nelly: Connelly writes about the guy
caught in that ozone layer of youth—
college-cducated but not college grad;
underemployed and one giant step from
knowing what it is he wants from life.
Connelly’s beat is his alone.

Daniel

В
3
E
з
3:

SPORTS

I vis been said that nolsport is really
worth while unless it has a literature.
Гуе always thought the person who said
this first was probably thinking about
whale fishing and Moby Dick rather than
football, baseball, boxing, hore racing
etc A ЛЕН uz Gina reni fe b
the most literature. Personally, I think
every sport is worth while to one group or
another. It's just that certain sports have a
o Te

Take bowling. Is it bowling’s fault that
so few people have ever read A Farewell 10
Ahron, by Bubba Hemingway?

I went to the door of the diner.

“Stay out of here, asshole,” onc of
the bimbos said.

“Fuck you, Denna,” I said.

“Fuck you, Frederick.”

“I'm gonna get some eggs,” I said,
“and I don’t give a fuck what you or
Catherine think about it.”

The sorry bitches left me alone
while I had my eggs, but it wasn’t
any good. It was like saying goodbye
to Cleveland. After a while, I went
out and rolled up my pack of ciga-
rettes in the sleeve of my T-shirt and
walked back to my truck in the rain.

Take surfing. Is it surfing’s fault that so
few people have ever read The Naked and
the Drugs, by Skip Mailer?

Nobody could sleep. When morn-
ing came, the speed would wear off
and the first wave of honeys would
recover from their abortions and
charge the beach at Laguna. All over
town, all through the dealers, there
was the knowledge that in a few more
hours some of the dudes would be
fucked up again.

Last summer, an American won the
Tour de France for the first time in history,
but did anybody care? No. Why? Because
so darn few pcople had ever read Herman
Walter's classic, The Winds of Cycling.

Byron Henry pedaled his bike
through a gusty gray rainstorm and
reached the top of the hill, where
Natalie was waiting for him.

“Briny, let’s go to France,” she
said eagerly.

“We just left France,” said Byron,
gasping for breath.

“That was France? Gee, it sure
went by fast. OK, let's go to Poland,”
she chirped.

By DAN JENKINS

BOOKMAKING

Byron wondered if Natalie would
ever get tired of pedaling across
Europe, especially during a war,
when the roads were so bad. If they
kept on darting around like thi
felt they were bound to wind up in
some kind of trouble.

“Natalie, that’s the German bor-
der!” he yelled. “We'd better turn
around.”

“Oh, Briny, you're such a worry-
wart.” she said, speeding down the
hill toward the village.

Byron tried to keep up with her as
she pedaled hard through the village,
tossing her hair and winking at all of
the Gestapo agents sitting at the side-
walk cafés.

While it may scem that tennis is still

bereft of literature, it is only because
Maggie Meacham’s Gone with Wimbledon
has yet to be discovered.

Scarlett O'Hair was not beautiful,
but women seldom realized it when
caught by her charm, as the Tarleton
sisters were.

Scarlett made a pretty picture as
she stood at center court, and the
Tarleton sisters stared at her pale-
green eyes, seeing in them a turbu-
lent, willful lust for life. Dared they
approach her after the match to sug-
gest a three-way?

Consider the plight of skiing. Sadly, it

gets attention only every four years, dur-

ing the

inter Olympics. But what if, by

now, everyone had read Of Human Bunk

Beds, by Billy Maugham?

The day broke gray and dull. The
clouds hung heavily, and there was a
rawness in the air that suggested
snow. A woman came into the lodge
and saw them all slecping on top of
each other. She went over to the pile.
“Wake up, Philip," she said. “Irs
time for you and these other bums to
pay your bill or get the fuck out!”

Gymnasti

is in the same category as

skiing. It is only during a summer Olym-
pics that it catches anyone's attention, but

would not be so today if Irene

Dinesen's fabulous Out of Amarillo had

caught on the way it should have.

I had a farm in Amarillo, at the
foot of a Denny's and a Taco Bell.
You want to talk about somebody
doing flip-flops and cart wheels? You
should have seen me the day I left
that chickenshit place for good.

It's hard to guess how much stoci

г

racing would benefit from a wider public
acceptance of A Tale of Two Throtlles, by
Red Dickens, butit certainly couldn't hurt.

It was the best of cars; it was the
worst of cars. It was the age of fuel
consumption; it was the age of tire
changes. It was the spring of pricks; it
was the ter of cocksuckers. We
were all going direct to Darlington, or
we were all going direct to Daytona.
Either way, we had lots of pussy.

Only those who follow wrestling as
closely as I do can know how much it

would ha
Scotty Fitz, had become a best seller.

In my younger days and more vul-
nerable years, I wore a gold cape
with sequins, and my father gave me
some advice that Гуе been turning
over in my mind ever since.

“Whenever you feel like wearing
that cape,” he told me, “just remem-
ber that there are plumbers and con-
struction workers in this world who
don't have a sense of humor."

But I believed in the gold cape, so
I beat on, heads against the mat,
borne back ceaselessly into the
ring.

ve meant if The Great Patsy, by.

28

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

MEN

and flowers. White veils.
Wedding music. Who could have known
June would be the month The Greek pan-
icked? He got married last Junc, and he's
been on the phone to me ever since.

“Nothing's changed," he always says
when I answer. The Gr does not
bother with introductions.

“Greek, how are you doing?" I laugh

“Terrible. Nothing’s changed. Life after
marriage is exactly the same as life before
marriage. Maybe a little worse."

“Yeah,” I say, “marriage doesn’t
change a whole lot. People expect too
much from it.”

“I thought Га have a myst
ence at the altar.

“Nope,” | s; Usually docsn’t.”

“I asked my wile if anything happened
for her. "Why should it?” she said. “I don't
know,’ I said. ‘I thought maybe we'd see a
light ora vision of the future or the dove of
peace floating down on a cloud."

“Greek, you've got to stop waiting for a
riage isn't like
that. It's a social contract between two
people. Period.”

But nothing's changed.” he laments.
“Pm still in debt. My father hasn't sold
the restaurant. He thinks ПИ take it over
when he dies. The investment club makes
money some months, but we're underpe
forming the Dow. My job sucks. My mar-
riagc hasn't changed a thing."

The Greck is in his late 20s. Hc was in
short-story-writing class | taught. He's
about six fect tall, maybe ten pounds ove:
weight, very conscious of his receding
hairli writer, a truly.
hot-shot writer who will onc day publish a
very funny novel about life as a contempo-
rary Greck-American. When he told me
that he had finally decided to marry the

i
woman he had been dating for ycars, 1

d his fiction and

congratulated him. I'd г
assessed his maturity and assumed he
understood. that marriage was not nir-
vana. I assumed wrong. The Greek lives
in a state of perpetual disorientation. He
had counted on his marriage to save him,
to clear up his life and end his trials.
“They don’t need us, you know, Ace
“Women?” I ask.
“Yep. They don't need us.”
“I think that's a little extreme
“My wife can repair our car. You know
what she bought herself for Christmas?
Tools. Tools and a machine to tune the
engine with."

By ASA BABER

JUST MARRIED

“Well, that’s good, Greek. You're giving

her space. Thirty years ago, she wouldn't
have dared do that. Now she’s got the free-
dom to express herself.”
Express herself? She's taking over.
There's nothing left for me. I alrcady gave
her the checkbook. She's a lawyer. She
docs the taxes, She knows more about the
law than I do. I get the feeling she carries
blank divorce papers around with her.
You know, one mistake by me and—
wham!—it's out of the briefcase and onto
the kitchen table: “Sign here.”

“You're getting paranoid, man

“Yeah? Well, think about it, They don't
need us. What's my role now? She's mak-
ng more money than 1 am. She travels
morc. She cooks better. My father likes
her souvlaki more than he likes mine. Pm
telling you, nothing's changed and it's get-
ting worse."

“Surely. you've. got some territory of
your own, haven't you?"

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

“Well, now, sec? It's not so bad.”

“1 have The Wall Street Journal.”

“That's a start.”

“ST won't let her sec it.”

“Before you've read it, you mean?”

о. I won't let her see it. Ever

1 shred

it after I read it.
“You shred The Wall Street Journal?"
“Yes. Its my territory, remember? She
keeps asking me questions about the

investment club I'm in. Me and four other
guys. From before the marriage. From
before we even started dating. I swear to
God, if I let her read The Wall Street Jour-
nal, if | answer her questions about stocks
and bonds and commodities, if 1 ever let
her come to a club meeting, I'll be history.
She'll take the club over. So I stonewall!
Mum's the word. “What's a price—
gs ratio? How do you use a bar

h
carni
chart? What's a stock option?” My lips are
scaled. I won't teach her a thing.”
“That's a little extreme, isn't it?”

“I'm telling you, Ace, we're sur-
rounded. Women can do it all. It's going
to be a maleless society one day soon.
We're useless appendages. When they fill
up the sperm banks, watch out, тап.”

“You are paranoid."

“That doesn't mean Pm wrong!” hc
yells. He is usually soft-spoken, but by
this time he is yelling. “You know what we
men are becoming? Appendixes. Ycah,
that's right: the penis as the appendix. A
useless organ.”

“Greck, you're going overboard.”

“This whole culture is
board," he says. “Where my fa
from, men had a significant rol
when they came to Amcrica, my father
was instrumental in their success. He
worked like a dog in the restaurant busi-
ness, he built up a clientele, he made the
decisions. Sometimes, when he looks at
me, he's looking at a Martian. He just
stares like Pm another form of life. We
never talk about it. But he can sec that I'm
a lost shecp. When I asked onc of his bud-
dics who's a private investigator to kecp
track of my wife, my father just shook his
head and pourcd an ouzo.”

“Detective work? You think your wife is
cheating on you?"

“I know she is.”

“Who's the gu

“Guy? Who cares about that? The other
day, she went into Merrill Lynch and

opened up her own trading account. Lis-
ten, with her luck, she'll have twice the
equity in stocks that I have within the
усаг. No way I could handle th

“Hey, it’s easy. Just buy low and sell
high,” I say.

“Thanks, Ace. Great advice. Have a
month."

“Happy June,” I
sary.”

The Greck hangs up on me. But that's
OK. I expected it. He never could
take a jok El

Y

Happy anniver-

31

WOMEN

A: that you suspect about women's
friendships is true. We talk about
dick size.

We talk about the size of dicks we used
to know, the oncs that got away and the
ones that will never be ours. It's our favor-
ite subject.

Occasionally, other topics surface. We
talk penile dimensions, then we talk about
death and hair. Recently, a new friend and
I got close when she gave a detailed
account of ап ex-boyfriend’s oral-sex
methods (“Some of them just get down
there and sort of chomp away; not him").
We then went on to where to get a lamp
fixed, the problems of pecing in the middle
of the night and the difficulty with Vene-
tian blinds. Basic stuff.

Are men so diflerent? Some say yes;
some say no.

“Women have best friends; men don't
particularly," said George.

“I have a best friend," countered Nick.
“Robin. He lives in England.”

“A best friend in England doesn't even
begin to count, lame-brain,” I said. It was
Sunday; the three of us were parading
down Seventh Avenue South, looking for
love or coffec. “Best friends have to be
phoned every day. Twice a day. When a
best friend answers the phonc, you never
say hello. You just say, “Well, I think
becoming a redhead might help’ or “That
son of a bitch showed up an hour late’ or
‘I'm going to kill myself, right this
minute.’”

“Not true,” said Nick. “I love Robin
like a brother. We talk twice a ycar. Here's
the difference between men's and women's
friendships: Ninety-nine percent of men
are activity oriented. They do things
together. They talk about doing things
together. Maybe they're both chess nuts or
cabinetmakers.”

“What I like to call Red Sox friend-
ships,” said George. “Men can spend
hours talking pitching stats or Civil War
theories or, if they're boring, stock-market
fluctuations. Let's go into this coffee shop,
sit near the window and look literary.
Maybe some cute broads will walk by.”

No cute broads walked by. The boys
drank their espresso and talked feelings,
relationships, hair in an effort to prove to
me that they were sensitive guys.

Guys, I have never met a sensitive guy
I mean really, no-kidding-around sensi-
tive. Guys are just too straightforward.

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

GIRL TALK

They call a spade a spade and think it
really is a spade. They never seem to
grasp the concept of nuancc, of detail.
Guys are always looking at thebig picture.
Women make meat and potatoes of minu-
tiae. Here's a sample conversation be-
tween two best friends:

Laura: His new girlfricnd’s name is
Kelli. With an I. She dots the I with a
circle.

BEVERLY: Oh, my God, not a
We know what that means. Didn't he
learn anything from you? How can he
be so unevolved?

LAURA: 1 had a fit. “Muriel,” I
scrcamed, “or even Phyllis I could
understand! But a bimbo? Named
Kelli? Take me now, Lord!" I saw
this note from her; she wrote, "Lovc
ya.” Y-A. Kelli with a goddamned I.
He tried to tell me her parents named
her that.

ircle!

y. She did it herself.
She probably changed it from Caro-
She wears leg warmers. Blue сус
shadow.

LAURA: Then the son of a bitch said,
“Better a circle over the I than under
the eyes.” I stopped my haranguc to
congratulate him on a good linc.
Then I hit him.

BEVERLY: So what you're say!
is, you're not over him yet.

lin

ng here

The above is an important exchange of
information, rife with undercurrent, rid-
dled with poignancy.

“I don't get it at all,” said George.
"What's in a name?”

“I once dated a stewardess
Kelly,” said Nick.

“Exactly,” I said. “Drink your coffee.
Stop ogling that girl with the knockers.
She wants a man with a Porsche and a
condo. She'll cat you for breakfast."

“Women,” said George. “Either you're
inseparable or you hate each other. That
woman with the knockers looks very
nice.”

The woman with the knockers was а
monster. A professional girl, a female who
hates other females. Normal girls can spot
a professional girl at 50 paces. We hate
them; we'll never be friends with them;
they're the oncs who
name. Professional girls want to scratch
every other girls eyes out, in case the
other girl was thinking of going ncar the
man with the yacht.

"So what you're saying is, friendships
are more important than relationships,"
said Nick.

“Friendships usually last longer than
relationships,” I said. “They may not be
morc primal, but they're more necessary.
We girls need a lot of mutual support.
Somebody has to come over with thc
Kleenex and bonbons when a lousy bas-
tard with an inflated ego says that he’s
really sorry, but he needs his space and,
anyway, he’s met this dynamite steward-
ess named Kelly. Friendships are the fai
ilies of the Eightics."

Except when you have huge fights,”
said George, “like you did with Brenda.
t trust Brenda anymore," I
said. "She was turning passive aggressive
on me. I didn't believe her reality.”

“Huh?” they said.

“That's a big part of friendship—
reality checks. ГЇЇ say, ‘Am I crazy, or is
my boss trying to undermine my position
with the comptroller?” And a friend will
ask pertinent questions—what was thc
boss wearing this morning? Does the boss
have trouble at home or ulcers? She'll get
the information and pass judgment, and
ible to trust her. Reality checks are

named

t comes to fixing your VCR,
you ask me," said George.
"That's what men are for!

AGAINST THE WIND

I ve been writing on a word processor
for about six months now, and it's all
right. Makes me feel kind of modern, kind
of like, “Kill the pigcons, Edith; we're
going to be using this telephone thing from
now on.” It's a тасу little machine, and if
it makes me fecl like I think too slowly,
what the hell. I’ve always believed that, so
there's no change there. And it hasn't
changed my writing style, either. A lot of
people told me it would make my sen-
tences longer. It hasn’t.

But then, I don’t know how to make it
do its real tricks, either. Right now, it's a
Thoroughbred that I take out and
lead around the paddock, going, "Nice
horsy ... . easy now . . . oh, God, don't do
that.” Talking to it is a little silly, but I
think you have to get machines on your
side; and, anyway, I'm the kind of guy who
talks to pliers when I’m forced to use them.

Actually, though, word processors were
invented for people like me. Pve never
been that good on a typewriter, probably
because whatever synapses connect brain
to fingers are a little frayed in my case. So
the only way I’m ever going to turn out a
clean copy of anything is on a machine
that lets you go back and fix things easily.
Even so, I can’t produce a perfect version
of anything, but I can come a lot closer,
thanks to the techies who came up with
software such as what I’m working with
right now.

I actually went to school with a guy
who wrote an early word-processing pro-
gram. He wasn't a nerd, either. His name
was Frank and he was a first-class athlete,
he had a thing for Elvis and he was a
good writer, though he didn't write much
more than he was forced to in the required
English courses. He was a math major,
and he chain-smoked Camels, bought
them by the carton.

Frank used to proofread my writing
before I turned it in. He was good at it,
too; there was something about his mind
that could look at things one digit, one let-
terat a time. Hc always made me sit in the
room while he went over the stuff, and
every now and then he'd get this pissy lit-
Че tone and say something like, "Oh,
please; how do you spell physical?" Then
Га spell it my own particular way and
he'd laugh and look at me as if I were a
child who'd just pointed to his foot when
you'd asked him where his elbow was. In
fact, Frank scemed to take some rotten
pleasure in the whole exercise, and every
once ina while, he'd make me get the dic-

By CRAIG VETTER

TECHNOROOKIE

tionary down and he'd watch while I
rooted through the Ns looking for a word
that began with a P.

Frank got into computers as soon as
he graduated. He took a job with one of
the acrospace/defense companies. Around
the ne time, I hired on with a house-
and-garden magazine at about half the
salary that he was making. Then, while I
wrote stories about bricks in your patio,
Frank started work on a classified project
This was around 1966, and I was deep-
ly into my role as a snot-nosed, draft-
deferred, liberal-arts, antiwar brat, so I
ragged him pretty good about his top-se-
cret job. I kept saying things like, “This crea-
tive stuff doesn’t pay squat. I’m going to
have to get into death and destruction like
you, Frank.” Makes me cringe to think
about it now; because ten years later,
Frank told me he'd been manning a comput-
er that took signals from recon satellites
flying every night over North Vietnam.

Around 1968, Frank started a company
of his own, which is when he began tinker-
ing around with a word-processing pro-
gram. Гус always imagined that it took
him about 10,000 Camels, but he eventu-
ally came up with something good enough
that one of the computer behemoths
bought his little shop and moved him off
to Dallas, which is where we pretty much
lost touch.

І think of him these days when I'm

using this machine, especially when I’m
running the program that proofreads.
"This particular piece of software is a lot
gentler at pointing out mistakes than
Frank was, but it does seem to have some-
thing of his sensc of humor. And not long
ago, it made me laugh a couple of times.

‘The proofing program is essentially a
word list. You fire it up and it prowls over
your sentences until it finds a word that’s
not on its list—either because it’s a typo
or a misspelling or because it simply
doesn’t have that word—then it displays
what it calls the susPECT WORD along with
its guess of what you might have been
shooting for. Then it displays a SUGGESTED
CORRECTION.

1 ran it through a story Pd written
about rock-climbers. At one point, Га
referred to the “silkiness” of one climber's
style. The program hadn't seen that word
before, so it said, siLKtNEss? Then it offered
a possible correction: sILICON And I
thought, Oh, yeah; if it’s smooth, it has to
be silicon—you machine-chauvi bas-
tard. Then, when it came to a climb
named Cocksucker's Concerto, it said,
KER? DO YOU MEAN CORKSCREW? No,
but close, I thought, if you want to think of
a corkscrew as a sort of a corksucker.

In any case, Frank, the whole thing’s
brilliant. This old dog appreciates a new
trick now and then, no matter what they
say. I do get a little nostalgic for all that
yestertech now and then. You know the
stuff I mean: those old clunkers that you
don’t have to plug in, the ones that give
you a print-out on a piece of paper exactly
as you hit the keys. And when you make a
mistake, you just go back and strike the
right character over the wrong one and let
the reader choose between them. It's
messy, sure, but there’s a weird human
charm to it that’s just right for things like
personal letters. I mean, if my friends got
a perfectly typed letter in the mail, they
wouldn't know it was from me, because a
certain carelessness is as much a part of
my signature as my signature.

Then, of course, there's the simplest of
all writing tools, and when you think
about it, it's something of a miracle itself:
costs 15 cents, fits right in your pocket,
cach one holds 15,000 or 20,000 words,
you can use it with one hand, you don't
have to sit up at a desk, and when you
make a mistake, you just take a little piece
of rubber and scrub it off the paper. And
you can even chew on it while you
sit around and think things up. Ej

33

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

елу зш a ipe tage erem
girlfriend and I have a balloon fetish. We
Tove making love on them It started when
we were messing around in the bedroom
after a birthday party. When her back was
turned, I decided to sit on a balloon to see
her reaction! when it popped. Well) it
didn't, and when she saw what I was
doing, she came over to help me by sitting
оп top of me while I was on it. When it
still hadn't popped after a couple of trics,
I had an idea. It was one of the most
pleasurable times we've had, and we've
been using balloons ever since. The thing
we like about them is that we can use them
in just about any position we desire—the
elevation is fantastic, they create an added
bounce and feel 50000 nice and soft when
we're sitting on them. They do have a
tendency to pop every now and then, but
that's really fun, too! We blow up a cou-
ple of extras just in case that happens
Docs this sound strange to you, or do you
know of anyone else who does this? It is
a wonderful feeling and has inflated (no
pun intended) our sex life considerably.—
D. C., Avon, Colorado.

Who are we to blow into your balloon? This
does sound strange. It also sounds like fun.

MI, business frequently finds me driv-
ing in other countries, and I've been con
Sidering taking my trusty radar detector
along to avoid attracting the attention of
local gendarmes. Are U.S. detectors effec-
tive against foreign traffic radar? And if so,
are they legal to use?—P. J., Evanston,
Illinois.

Here's the scoop. First, Canada: The good
news is that U.S. detectors work fine above
the border. Canadian cops use the same
X-band and K-band radar frequencies as
American cops do. The bad news? Detectors
are illegal in about half the provinces. Watch
out in Ontario and Quebec, where enforce-
ment against them is especially strict, but feel
free to use your unit in British Columbia,
Saskatchewan, Alberta, New Brunswick and
Nova Scotia. If you find yourself packing for
Australia, be sure to pack your detector,
mate, because it's both legal and effective in
the land down under. Radar-toting enforc-
ers in both Israel and South Africa use
American-made equipment and, therefore,
our frequencies, but we can't guarantee the
legality of detectors in either. Don’t bother
taking one to Japan, because frequencies are
different, enforcement is strict and there's lit-
tle opportunity to speed in Japanese traffic
jams, anyway. Ditto for Europe: Virtually all
western European police operate on radar
frequencies. different from our own, and
detectors are illegal in most countries there.
We have heard of people's modifying U.S.
detectors for use in France, for example, but.
we've also heard that such units lose a lot of
sensitivity in the modification. process, Not to

worry, though. European drivers tend. to
ignore posted speed limits, anyway, and most
of their cops (unlike ours) don't seem to mind.
very much. Keep it safe and reasonable and.
you should have no problem.

PRecenty, while 1 was shopping for a
VER with a young relative, she confided
that she enjoyed masturbating—excuse
me, pleasuring herself—to X-rated videos
when boyfriends were unavailable. I was
stunned. She giggled that she and her
friends even swapped sex videos. After
I stopped blushing, I stammered that
research showed that women were not
aroused by and explicit
erotica—and were universally repelled by
such materials. She laughed in disbc-
lief and argued that “squeamish little
mommies" and “male double standards”
programed young girls to deny their own
physical interest in sex. She also wished
that “the bullshit conservative media and
prissy women's magazines would stop tell-
ing women what makes us juice in our
panties." After thal remark, I decided to
make no further comments, since we were
in public. This vocal and otherwise femi-
nine young lady (a college senior) turned
my male understanding of female sexual-
ity completely upside down. Isn't she
abnormal? And arcn't her spurious argu-
ments just an attempt to rationalize her
abnormal sexuality?—W. B., Lexington,
Kentucky.

Lighten up, It's your sexuality that needs
an attitude adjustment. While studies and
surveys may show that some women disdain
pornography, there's a significant percentage
of the female population that finds sexual
aids (from X-rated videos to sex toys) stimu-
lating or just plain fun. It sounds to us as

male

though your relative falls into that category,
and there's nothing abnormal about it,

MI, new job requires lots of travel all
over the country, but I hate staying in
those huge, impersonal businessmen's
hotels —you know, the kind with revolving
restaurants on top and thousands of
conventioners wearing name tags. Can
оте smaller, more sophisti-
cated hotels in major cities?— R. S., Scat-
tle, Washington.

First, you need some ground rules. We
always avoid any hotel with a glass elevator
or a waterfall in the lobby. Ditto for hotels
with clothes hangers that won't come off the
rack. More specifically, we recently stayed at
Denver's Oxford Alexis (303-628-5400), a
wonderful renovated Victorian- and jazz-era
spot with just 82 rooms and a great bar.
When friends come lo visit here in Chi-
cago, we recommend The Whitehall
(312-944-6300), which feels like a small,
elegant club. In San Francisco, don't miss
Campton Place (415-781-5555), if for no
other reason than the best hotel breakfasts
in America. In New York, try Morgans
(212-686-0300), an ultratrendy hotel with
no name on the door and minimalist colors
on the floor—and every other square inch. In
Los Angeles, our vote goes to the elegant
L'Ermitage (213-278-3344), with its superb
service, though the newly renovated Bel-Air
(213-472-1211) is hard to pass up. Dal-
las boasts the Mansion on Turtle Creek
(214-559-2100), which is under the same
management as the Bel-Air and also features
avery fine restaurant.

Eve bought some condoms for my lover to
usc. I know this sounds silly, but how do
you use them? Гус just switched from
using an LU.D. and, quite frankly, I've
never had a lover use condoms. Can you
go over the basics for a beginner?—Miss
P. L, Detroit, Michigan.

Don't be afraid to ask. Most people put
their pants on one leg at a time but may not
‚know how best to put on a condom. A recent
issue of Population Reports offered these
guidelines:

“Use a condom every time you have
intercourse.

“Always put the condom on the penis
before intercourse begins.

“Put the condom en when the penis is
erect.

“Do not pull the condom tightly against
the tip of the penis. Leave a small empty
space—about one or two centimeters—at the
end of the condom to hold semen. Some con-
doms have a nipple tip that will hold semen.

“Unroll the condom all the way to the bot-
tom of the penis.

“If the condom breaks during intercourse,
withdraw the penis immediately and put on a
new condom.

PLAYBOY

“After ejaculation, withdraw the penis
while it is still erect. Hold on to the rim of the
condom as you withdraw so that the condom
does not slip off.

“Use a new condom each time you have
intercourse. Throw used condoms away.

“If a lubricant is desired, use water-based
lubricants such as contraceptive jelly. Lubri-
cants made with petroleum jelly may damage
condoms. Do nol use saliva, because it may
contain virus.

“Store condoms in a cool, dry place if
possible.

“Condoms that are sticky or britile or oth-
erwise damaged should not be used

THE VENUS-BUTTERFLY-CONTEST RESULTS

Last fall, the producers of the hit TV show
A. Law” introduced а new term into the
sexual vocabulary of America. A character
referred to an erotic technique known as the
Venus butterfly but failed to describe it in
detail. The technique, alas, was a figment of
the scripturiter’s imagination. In March,
“The Playboy Advisor” asked readers to come
up with a suitable act, henceforth to be
knoum as the Venus butterfly. Here are some
of their suggestions:

Evidently, the producers of L.A. Law
have confused the Venus butterfly with the
Trapped Butterfly. A description of the
Trapped Butterfly appears in William
Morell's book Daimy)'s Revenge, on page
138:

"You will now learn about the
‘Trapped Butterfly,” he informed her.
“I cup my hands on you, so. Herc—
where you are most sensitive. I lower
my face to my hands—so. My tongue
becomes a butterfly trapped inside
my hands. The way we did as chil-
dren, in a pleasant garden. Close
your cyes, Diana-chan, and feel the

butterfly trying to fly free, its fragile
wings fluttering against your
flesh...”

Clenching her jaw to keep from
crying out aloud and thus alarming
any late-working servants, Diana
arched her back off the bed. When
she could no longer stand it, she
pulled him forward, over her, recciv-
ing him in a single thrust. Then
the storm broke on the horschair
mattress.

—R. T., Sunnyvale, C.

ifornia.

V would like to reveal the secret of the
us butterfly. As it happens, this quite
legitimate and satisfying technique has
been misappropriated by L.A. Law in a
sordid attempt to crect ratings. Public
curiosity abounds, and it is now time to
pass along the knowledge—pro bono, so to
speak. Here goes: The female partner
assumes a prone position, with her legs
partly spread and her derrière just a bit
elevated. Her skillful male partner then
enters her vagina from behind. Simultanc-
ously, he places the forelingers of cach

hand (for maximum effect, both are
required) at either side of the lady's clito-
ris. This biwinged approach resembles a
butterfly, hence the nomenclature. His
hands help support her thighs, and as he
thrusts into the vagina, he gently applies
friction to each side of the clitoris, massag-
ing in rhythm with his other movements.
The gentle tugging lends additional pres-
sure to the vaginal introitus, generating
sensory overload. Guaranteed. I would be
happy to receive confirmatory reports
from the Playboy Test Bedrooms.— Miss
J- T., Northfield, New Jersey.

Was happy to inform you that Lam
the inventor of the Venus butterfly,
though how L.A. Law found out
about it, I haven't the foggiest idea.
Enclosed please find drawings of the
maneuver, for mancuver it
an inscct implement nor a biologi-
cal part. The thumbs, side by side,
support the chin, since, as I'm sure
you've found, the neck gets tired
while you're performing lengthy

The forefingers are
used to spread the labia; the joined
middle fingers are inserted into the
vagina and the ring fingers are
interlocked.

Well, folks, there you have it. 1 do
claim royalties every time the Venus
butterfly is used. Let's see . . .
what's your circulation?—E. C. C.
Jr., Dover, New Hampshire.

B. the сапу Scventies, I had got-
ten Dear Johned by my high school sweet-
heart when I had just a few weeks left in
Vietnam. Despondent and depressed, 1
found myself in a massage parlor being
worked over by a very lovely Oriental
lady. Noticing how unhappy I was, in bro-
ken English, she inquired as to what was
wrong. After I had explained the situation
to her, she said that if I came back the

next day with ten dollars, she would teach
me how to make love to a woman so well
that whomever I picked up would never
leave me. Not only did I go back the next
day, I went back the next ten. It was the
best $100 Гус ever invested. On the third
day, I learned about the Venus butterfly.
It rcally exists and is as follows: While the
lady lies on her back, vou place her right.
leg over your shoulder, allowing your face
casy access to her pubic mound. With
tender, gentle movements, spread her
pussy lips apart with your left hand,
exposing the clit and forming the shape of
a butterfly. While ficking and gently dart-
ing your tonguc on and around thc clit,
sometimes sucking gently upon it, slowly
and genily open and close the lips upon
the clit with your left index finger and
thumb, much like a butterfly flapping its
wings. Develop a rhythm, as this will also
massage the clit. At the same time, for
added pleasure, move the thumb of your
right hand in and out of the vagina. This
also gives your partner something to bear
down upon as she orgasms.—N. E. K.,
Scranton, Pennsylvania.

For years, 1 have been practicing this
technique with great success, though it is the
late, great blues legend Muddy Waters
who should bc given credit for inventing
it. I learned of it by rcading an interview
with him published years ago. However,
he did not give it a name. From this
moment on, I will call it the Venus butter-
fiy. Take your penis (hard or soft) in hand
and, starting at the south end of thc
vagina, gently rub the head into the
groove ol the vagina, lightly sliding it
upward to the clitoris. Now reverse the
process and slide slowly back down.
Repeat. After a few gentle repctitions, the
labia should begin to unfold, with the cleft
moistening. If it wasn’t hard when you
began, the penis should begin to harden.
Now you have prepared yourself and your
partner for the Venus butterfly. Gently
work the shaft lengthw to the fold of
the vagina. This is when you achieve the
likeness of a butterfly, with the shaft of
the penis as its head and abdomen and
the labia as its wings. Let your imagination
be your guide. One obvious benefit is that
even the smallest penis will adequately
stimulate the largest vagina and the small-
est vagina will comfortably accommodate
the largest of penises М. G., Kansas
City, Missouri.

АШ reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating.
problems, taste and etiquetle—will be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

Why Passport is the most expensive*
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37

PLAYBOY

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

Kings: 12mg. "tar," 0.9 mg. nicotine av. per cigerette, FTC Report Feb. 1985.

©lonilard, inc. USA. 1887

DEAR PLAYMATES

The question for the month:

What would you do if your lover sug-
gested a ménage a trois, a threesome?

Wi would depend on how much I cared for
my man. Do 1 feel like being agrecable?
It would depend on the moment. Do I
feel like mak-
ing him happy
by accommodat-
ing this whim?
If the answers
were yes, I
probably would
do it. It would
depend on all
the circum-
stances. As a
rue, I never
say absolutely
no. If you tend
to do that, the day will come when you
find yourself doing that very thing. Gener-
ally, I want to say that I don't automati-
cally rule anything out.

pd TOCA

CAROL FICATIER
DECEMBER 1985

AA bsolutely not. That's not making love.
I can't just hop into the sack with some-
body. I have to care about him. I couldn’t
watch my boy-
friend make
love to another
woman. It
would have a
long-term ef-
fect. It would
flash through
my head at
other times:
Did he enjoy
it? More than
being with me?
Just seeing it =
would be hard. І couldn't handle it. And
there's no way 1 could have some strange
man make love to me. I’m not interested
in just having sex. Im interested in mak-
ing love, so I’m definitely not going to be
having any threesome.

egt Bla)

REBEKKA ARMSTRONG
SEPTEMBER 1986

HH: wouldn't suggest it. But if he did for
any reason, I'd want to know who he had
in mind and why he wanted to do it. I
think Pd be shocked and curious. lt
doesn’t sound
interesting or
fun to me. But
Га want to
know all about
what made him
suggest it. Did

he feel that
something was
missing be-

tween us? Did
he feel he was
holding me

back from other
relationships? Did he see it as a positive
experience in our relationship, or was
something seriously wrong between us?

tuation was,
ty in my life.

I'd want to know what the
but I don't see it as a possi

Шаов
ple. My problem with it would be the
aftereffects. It might be a terrific turn-on
at the time, but how would I fecl toward
the stranger—
or the other
person—after-
ward? To share
the special inti-
macy between
my lover and
myself with an
outsider would
be difficult. It
wouldn't. mat-
ter which sex
the third per- Jy
son was. My

lover would be jealous of another guy; Га
be jealous of another woman. Really, the
idea sounds more exciting than the confu-
sion it would cause. And 1 think it would
create a problem in the relationship in the
future, no matter how good the fantasy
was.

zer

SHERRY ARNETT
JANUARY 1986

F dor’ think there is anything wrong with
a threesome as long as all three people are
comfortable with it. I, personally, couldn't
do it. I'm kind of old fashioned and I
have a jealous
nature. It
would be hard
for me to share
someone I
really loved,
and if I love
someone, I
don't need or
desire anyone
else. If a lover
of mine sug-
gested a third
person, I'd take
it to mean he thought something was miss-
ing from our relationship. Га try to figure
out what it was and what we could do
about it. Pd try to solve the problem with-
out adding another sex partner.

LAURIE CARR
DECEMBER 1986

[Га say no and then Га reconsider our
relationship. I'm pretty straight when it
comes to sex: I like sex with my guy, and
that's it. I've never been into girls, toys,
threesomes, inflatable love dolls or any-
thing weird.
Just me and
him and good
old-fashioned
American sex.
That's the way
I feel the most
comfortable. 1
don't do drugs.
I don't drink. I
don't smoke. I
don't have
weird sex. I like
it this way. I
have a lot of fun in my life. I like sex with
my guy, and what gocs on between us is
our business and not for any third party.

Ayre (duo y

LYNNE AUSTIN
JULY 1986

Send your questions to Dear Playriates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but we'll try.

BEEFEATE

IMPORTED ENGLISH GIN
The best of times deserve the best of taste.

94 Proof. 100% grain neutral spirits. © 1986 Imported by Kobrand Corp.. NY., NY.

*

THE

TIU

ne De ESES

PLAYBOY FORUM

REPRESSION AND SEXUAL ABUSE

the reverend wildmon should do his homework more carefully—for the
truth about abuse lies close to home

The FBI reports that one out of
every four 12-year-old girls in
America will be sexually assaulted in
her lifetime.

— DONALD WILDMON, "МЕР Journal”

The Reverend Wildmon cites the
above statistic and points to por-
nography as the cause.

Let's take a look at the fact

Wildmon obtained his statistics from
a three-year-old FBI report. The FBI
took its figures from an eight-year-old
study by David Finkelhor, the associ-
ate director of the Family Violence
Research Program at the University of
New Hampshire. His research is often
quoted and is well respected. In 1979,
he studied 796 college students and
found that 19 percent of the women
and nine percent of the men had had
some kind of sexual victimization
before the age of 20. Far from citing
pornography as the cause of the sexual
abuse of children, he cited repressive
home environments and found that
many of the abusers of children were
members of the family—not the porn-
crazed strangers that fundamentalists
arc so fond of imagining.

Finkelhor has discovered that the
very type of home environment that
people such as Wildmon promote—
that is, sexually restricted and repres-
sive, with extremely traditional sex
roles—encourages sexual abuse and
children's receptivity to it.

Finkelhor recently published Child
Sexual Abuse, New Theory and Research,
an analysis of the 1979 figures that
focuses on some of the factors that con-
tribute to child sexual abuse. Here are
a few of his findings:

The background factors most
strongly associated with sexual
victimization involved character-
istics of the child's parents. For
example, having a stepfather, one
of the strongest risk factors, more
than doubled a girl's vulncrabil-
ity. Virtually half the girls with

stepfathers were victimized by
someone (not necessarily their
stepfather). Moreover, this risk
factor remained the strongest cor-
relate of victimization, even wh
all other variables were statisti-
cally controlled.

Finkelhor believes that the way men
are socialized contributes to abuse.
Men are taught that touch and affec-
tion are sexual. In contrast, women are
raised to be affectionate without being
sexual. But women do play a role in
victimization:

Educational inferiority in a wife
did, indeed, prove to be an impor-
tant correlate of a daughter's
sexual victimization. The most
dangerous parental combination
for a daughter is not when her
mother and father are both poorly
educated but when her father is
well educated and her mother is
not. If a poorly educated mother
is married to a well-educated
father (a situation indicating that
she is on the short end of a power
relationship), her daughter is si
nificantly more vulnerable than if
both parents have little education
(44 percent vs. 30 percent vic
timized). Here is concrete testi-
mony of how inequality between
the sexes may be dangerous to the
health and well-being of children.

A mother’s importance may
also lie in the specifically sexual
messages that she transmits to her
daughter. Victimized girls were
much more likely to have mothers
who were punitive about sexual
matters. These mothers warned,
scolded and punished their daugh-
ters for asking sex questions, for
masturbating and for looking at
sexual pictures much more often
ıhan usual. A girl with a sexually
punitive mother was 75 percent
more vulnerable to sexual victim-
ization than the "typical" girl in
the sample. [t was the second
most powerful predictor of vic-
timization, after having a step-
father, and was still highly
significant when all other varia-
bles were controlled.

This indication makes clear that

sexually repressive practices back-
fire, although we can only specu-
late about why. It's possible that
girls most bombarded with sexu-
al prohibitions and punishments
have the hardest time developing
realistic standards about what
constitutes danger. Blanket taboos
often incite rebelliousness, and
such girls may discard all the
warnings they receive from their
mothers about sex, including ones
about sexual victimization. More-
over, if mothers have repressed all
the healthier ways of satisfying
sexual curiosity, these daughters
may be more vulnerable to an
adult or authority figure who
appears to give them permission
and opportunity to explore sex,
albeit in the process of being
exploited.

Whatever the precise mecha-
nism, it is clear from this finding
that it is not sexually lax but sexu-
ally severe families that foster a
high risk for sexual exploitation.

Finkelhor dispenses with fundamen-

talist moralizers:

At certain times in the past,
moralists did express concern that
children were being sexually
abused as a result, in their view, of
the liberalization of sexual values.
Since they used the issue of child
molesting as a way of campaigning

inst other kinds of progressive
reforms that most social-welfare
professionals supported (e.g., sex
education, humane treatment of
sex offenders, end to censorship),
the professionals tended to dis-
count these alarms. Moreover, in
many respects the moralists were
mistaken about the problem, since
they portrayed the greatest danger
to children as coming from stran-
gers and depraved individuals out-
side the family, not from within
the family, where, as recently doc-
umented, the more serious threat
is.

Truth is one victim of sexual repres-

sion; our children are the other.
Wildmon’s war on porn, with its easy
accusations and easier vil
of the problem—not the solution.

ins, is part

4l

F

E

NAVY BLUES TWO
This is in response to
Name withheld, U.S. Navy
(The Playboy Forum, Febru-
ary). He complains that sail-
ors are forcibly tested for
drugs. Hey, swabbie, wake
up and smell the coffee.
Nobody drafted you into the
Navy. You voluntarily swore
to uphold the Constitution
and obey the lawful com-
mands of your superiors. You
also voluntarily gave up
nearly all your freedoms and
most of your rights for the
term of your enlistment. So
now, if your superior orders
you to start World War Three
Or to piss in a bottle, you'd
better do it or you'll end up in
the brig. It's about time you
realize that your ass (and
your urinc) belongs to Uncle
Sam. I chose not to join the
military for those reasons.
You made your choice, too.
Now quit bellyaching and
live with your decision.
Jon K. Evans
Los Angeles, California

TELL ME WHY

Why is it that the people
who arc interested in having
the schools conduct drug
education are the ones who
are against sex education?
They feel that teaching kids
about drugs will turn them
ашау from drugs but teaching
them about sex will turn them toward
sex.

R. Gordon
Omaha, Nebraska

Yes, we, 100, have noticed this contra-
diction, And we figure that it's all a mat-
ter of attitude. Drug-education courses
use the word no an awful lot— "Just say
no" is their major theme. Sex-education
classes, however, are “Just the facts,
ma'am.” There are no values imparted.
And failure to teach values makes the reli-
gious Right crazy—for no values, in their
minds, means the wrong values. Presi-
dent Reagan has said that he will support
a Federal campaign to educate Americans
about AIDS if it teaches children to avoid.
sex. In other words, "Just say no." If this
comes about, we think that you'll see fun-
damentalists advocating sex-education
classes for everyone.

NEIGHBORLY NOTIONS

Pm a Canadian, and I've been fol-
lowing with growing concern all the
trouble you've been having with Ed
Meese and company. Although the
majority of your citizens are against
Mecse, it is frightening that the public
doesn't stand up and speak out. It will
take many years and much pain to
reverse the damage being done to your
Constitution.

1 am concerned for your country—
and for my own, for it seems that what-
ever happens in the States quickly
works its way up to Canada. Ronald
Reagan preaches against pornography
and then Prime Minister Mulroney
preaches against it. There’s a definite
echo.

Patrick Robinson
Kerrobert, Saskatchewan

A «C K

I thought you'd be inter-
ested in the following case.
Canadian customs officials
stopped a video cassette, G-
String, from crossing their
border. The video tape was
addressed to a Canadian resi-
dent, Conrad Coleman.
Coleman hired a lawyer to
appeal the customs decision
and asked to watch G-String
in order to defend himself.
against the obscenity charges.
"The customs officials were in
a bind. After all, the purpose
of confiscating the tape was
to protect Coleman from see-
ing it. Naturally, they refused
his request. Coleman went
to court, pursuing his right to
sce the tape—and won. "To
exclude the appellant himself
from viewing the cassette,”
ruled the judge, “does not
satisfy the fundamental right
of the appellant to be in-
formed of the subject matter
on which the decision being
appealed from was based."

This would merely be
funny if it were a single in-
stance of lunacy—unfortu-
nately, it is not.

F. Burns
Ottawa, Ontario

TEXTBOOK TURMOIL

John Dentinger's “Funda-

mentalist Fairy Tales” (The

Playboy Forum, February),

on the Tennessee school-

textbook controversy, is fine as far as it

goes. The trouble is, it does not go far
enough.

Dentinger is justifiably indignant
about the ideology of ıhis group of
ultrarcligious parents. The fact that
their convictions lead them to gro-
tesque conclusions is pathetic and
tragic.

But he misses the point. As the judge
in the case observed, these people have
a right to their views, however bizarre,
as long as they are peacefully ex-
pressed. Under a system of “universal”
tax-supported education, however,
control inevitably is exercised by gov-
ernment. Decisions (right or wrong)
are applied to all, and textbooks are
certain to cause conflicts. Ditto for
school prayer, sex education and a host
of other fiercely debated and unresolv-
able issues. (continued on page 46 )

NSE WIS F КУО N X

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

SPERM IN THE FAST LANE

BOSTON— When it comes to sperm, it's
mot the quantity but the quality that
counts. Fertility researchers at the Univer-
sity of Massachusetts have decided that
quality refers to the speed at which the
sperm travel. If sufficient. velocity—at

least 20 microns per second —is present,
pregnancy can result even when the
sperm count is low. The velocity of sperm.
can be increased by a relatively simple
procedure that involves mechanically agi-
tating the little fellows. Then a woman
can be artificially inseminated with them
at the appropriate time in her cyde.
According to one researcher, the success
rate is 35 percent and no abnormalities in
such pregnancies have been noted.

AIDS AND THE CHURCH =~

Partly because of priests’ celibacy vows
and partly because of its teachings on
homosexuality, the Roman Catholic
Church is finding it difficult to admit that
there is a small but growing AIDS prob-
lem within the Catholic clergy. Reports of
priests and nonordained brothers diag-
nosed with AIDS have been coming in
from cities such as Boston, where at least
four of them died of the disease in the past
five years, and from Chicago, where three
brothers and a parish priest died of AIDS
in 1986. A Houston physician reports
that he has almost a dozen priests in treat-
ment for AIDS, and New York counselors
report three such deaths in recent years,
Church leaders consider the problem

minuscule for a clergy numbering more
than 57,000 but admit that they have no
coherent policy on the subject.

HEAVEN GAN WAIT —

ATLANTA—A U.S. District Court has
held that the ban on prayers in public
schools extends to invocations at sporting
events. The judge found that pregame
prayers were a form of a “religious activ-
ity” in violation of constitutional guaran-
tees of separation of church and state. The
ruling resulted from a lawsuit filed
against a Georgia high school that held
invocations before its home football
games.

-TESTING FOR TRAUMA

BALTIMORE—A safe and simple dye test
developed at the University of Maryland
Hospital is now used to confirm the sexual
abuse of small girls. Researchers say that
painting toluidine blue dye on the vagi-
nal lissue within 48 hours of the abuse
enables previously unnoticeable lacera-
tions to be detected. As many as 80 per-
cent of victims show no visible signs of
physical trauma; therefore, the dye will
aid in uncovering a significant number
of sexual-abuse cases. The dye is expected
to find legal acceptance as evidence in
such cases.

г ШОК BEFORE YOU EAP =

A survey by Great Expectations, the
country's largest video-dating service,
confirms what women’s magazines and
other polling groups are finding—that
fear of sexually transmitted diseases is
putting the kibosh on casual sex. Asked
what sex with a new partner meant to
them, slightly more than half of the 1005
respondents said fear and concern, mostly
over the posstbility of catching a venereal
disease, particularly AIDS or herpes. The
companys president says that celibacy
until marriage seems to be more wide-
spread and that dating couples are check-
ing each other out more carefully before
they hop into the sack.

PLANNED PREGNANCY =

Preliminary findings by researchers at
the Universities of Washington and Mich-
igan indicate that the drinking habits of
fathers may affect their offspring's health.
In a major study of paternal drinking

and infant birth weight, the Seattle group
found, lo its surprise, that infants whose
fathers drank regularly or heavily during
the morth before conception weighed an
average of 6.5 ounces less than the other

infants—regardless of whether the mother
drank or smoked. (The baby-lite offspring
were still within normal-birth-weight
range.)

с МАШКЕ ERAGE —

SARASOTA, FLORIDA—Easily beating out
the Rambo doll as the bad-taste toy of the
decade is the Grace doll, which delivers
an anti-abortion message when you
squeeze its little bod. The message goes,
“God knew me even before I was born. . . .
I used to be a little person inside my
mommy's tummy. . . . My mommy thinks
I'm very special. She's so happy she had
me.” The Praise Unlimited Toy Company
of Sarasota reports that more than
20,000, at $40 to $50 apiece, were
sold in its first four months, mostly at
Tupperware-type toy parties. The doll
also sings “Jesus Loves All the Little Chil-
dren” and comes with a “Let Me Live”
casette by Pat Boone, Grace's official
spokesman.

Meanwhile, the Right-to-Lifers’ favor-
ite horror film has predictably spawned a
sequel, a son of “Silent Scream” titled
“Eclipse of Reason,” by the same pro-
ducer, Dr. Bernard Nathanson. This film

features fiber-optic pictures from both
inside and outside the womb as an
18-week fetus is aborted by a D and E
(dilation and evacuation) and comes com-
plete with instant replays.

The Civil War, or so we learned in
high school, was fought over the issue of.
slavery. Our teacher, Miss Velma John-
son, whose understanding of American
history was based entirely on the same
textbooks we were reading, also told us
as a fact that the Civil War ended in
1865. But lately it has dawned on me
that Miss Johnson was wrong on both
counts.

It now scems clear that the Civil War
wasn't so much fought over the issue of
slavery as it was fought over a funda-
mental difference in the way Southerners
and Northerners view the natural order
of things. Furthermore, the conflict has
never ended—it has merely moved from
the cannon fields to the courts, thereby
becoming more civil but no less a war.

The map shown here is a current
object lesson in the never-ending schism
between the Union states and the Con-
federacy. Reprinted from The New York
Times, in which it appcarcd last July, the
day after the Supreme Court upheld
Georgia's right to enforce sodomy laws,
it shows which states still have laws
against oral sex, anal sex and mutual
masturbation

You'll notice that of the 23 states high-
lighted, 16 are clustered contiguously in
the southem part of the country. These
states stand out, of course, because after
the sexual revolution of the Sixties and
Seventies, most states repealed or
revised outdated laws against ““abomi-
nable and detestable crimes against
nature,” If the sexual revolution could
be compared to a vacuum cleaner sweep-
ing up age-old dust from the carpet of
the American libidinal consciousness,
the South had the deep, ground-in dirt
that defied removal.

Since it seems an unlikely coincidence
that 11 of those 16 Southern states
formed the Confederacy and that all but
Oklahoma and Kansas permitted slav.
ery until 1865, we might well wondei
there isn't some relationship between
Southern attitudes toward race relations
and Southern attitudes toward sexual

relations. Or, at least, we might wonder
if there isn't some underlying world view
that imbues the Southern character with

a deep strain of intolerance for many of
the human freedoms that Northerners
accept as self-evident.

Developmental neuropsychologist James
W. Prescott may have answered the

a father's job to discipline them; and it is
perfectly reasonable to punish violently
adolescents (particularly daughters) who
indulge in promiscuity. It is tempting to
attribute the Southerner's resistance to

Sodomy Laws in the States

® Heterosexuel and homosexual sodomy law
E Homosexual sodomy law only
C No sodomy iaw

© 1904 THE NEW YORK TIMES COMPANY. REPRINTED BY PERMISSION.

question for us by reducing the many dif-
ferences between Northern and Southern
attitudes to one common factor—the
way the two societies raise their children.

Prescott did a cross-cultural analysis
of 400 preindustrial societies and found
that those that deprived their infants of
physical affection and were harshly puni-
tive of premarital sex were prone to
“slavery, frequent killing, torturing and
mutilation of enemies, a devotion to the
inferiority of women” and the worship of
an aggressive god (or gods).

The typical Southern approach to
child rearing is built on three pillars:
Punishment is better than lenience
(“Spare the rod, spoil the child"); it's a
mother's place to raise the children and

the pleasures of the body (whether in
infancy or adulthood) solely to his reli-
gious attitudes—which tend toward
Biblical fundamentalism. As Prescott
points out, “Violence against sexuality
and the use of sexuality for violence, par-
ticularly against women, has very deep
roots in Biblical tradition." However,
the history of religion in early America
argues against simply equating religion
with repression

In fact, the great wave of evangelism
that swept from New England down
through the South in the early 18th Cen-
tury and was called the Great Awaken-
ing by historians actually had a
liberating effect on conservative tradi-
tions. The great preachers of that time,

men such as Gilbert Tennent, Samuel
Davies and, most notably, the English
Bible thumper George Whitefield, were
voices of relative progressivism. They
argued against blind acceptance of reli-
gious tradition and for direct spiritual
experience; against strict obedience to
church doctrine and for listening to one's
individual conscience. Perhaps most
important, they promoted the idea of
a "democratic popular spirit," which
fueled the first stirrings of abolitionism.

If religion, even evangelical religion,
isn’t the primary cause of the Southern
states’ sexually repressive atmosphere
(though most Southerners would proba-
bly tell you that they base their views on
God's proclamations about such mat-
ters), what is?

It makes more sense to assume that
the social traits that we identify with the
Southern mentality, including religious
ntation, have their roots in some-
thing that precedes the adoption of
attitudes and philosophies a primal
substratum of Southern experience that
remains a part of Southern culture
despite the coming and going of slavery,
segregation, old South, new South and
the sexual revolution.

If this is so, it would also explain
why seven states outside the South also
have antisodomy laws, for many of
those states are very different from the
Southern ones, both culturally and
economically.

So, then, what is the commonality
between the Southern states and the
Western ones with repressive sex laws?
Well, for one thing, many of the сапу
settlers in those states, with the excep-
tions of Idaho and Utah, were from the
South, but that merely moves the prob-
lem back one step. The answer can be
found, though indirectly, in Prescott's
prescription for changing a violence- and
repression-prone society into a nonvio-
lent one: “The denial of female sexuality
must give way to an acceptance and
respect for it, and men must share with
women the responsibility for giving
affection and care to infants and chil-
dren. As the father assumes a more equal
role with the mother in child rearing and
becomes more affectionate [emphasis
added] toward his children, certain
changes must follow in our ѕосіоесо-
nomic system.”

James Baldwin once remarked that
о define oneself as a white American
man, and even more particularly a
Southern white American man, must be
an unbearable burden,” and in this
sense, he was right. For if there is one
thing that binds Southern men and
many Western men, it is their concept of

manhood as a state both infinitely supe-
rior and far preferable to womanhood.
For such men, the roles of men and
women must be clearly defined and rig-
idly adhered to, lest the man’s mascu-
linity be insulted. And this view of
superiority includes superiority not
only to women but to all who don't fit
the entire description white, American,
aduli and male. Nonwhites, foreigners
and children are, therefore, decidedly
inferior.

The definition ofa rcal man and how
he behaves is a very serious business for
Southern and many Western men. And
one of the things that real men don't do
is share child rearing with women.
According to this view of manhood, men
don't nurture, they discipline—and not
only children but also women and adult
nonwhites. Most Southern men were
raised by fathers who took this approach
and, in turn, have adopted the same atti-
tudes toward their own wives and
children.

Here we get to the root of the problem,
which, simply put, is that Northerners
have always seemed to be in favor of
things that are directly threatening to
the Southern male's definition of his
masculinity, both in the larger society
and in his family. First, it was freeing the
slaves. Next, it was giving blacks the vote
and allowing them accommodation in
the same public places white pcople fre-
quented. Now it's the idea (encouraged,
no doubt, by the fact that Northern
women have always been more outspo-
ken and socially active than Southern
ones) that women and men are equal
and should therefore share certain rights
as well as family duties. And to top it off,
you have namby-pamby psychologists
like James Prescott who want to coddle
and sissify children instead of whacking
some sense into them.

Viewed from this perspective, the

INO MISSOURI

The sodomy low is alive and well in
Missouri, where the stole supreme court
held thot о mon who touched onother’s
trousers in the genitol oreo—an oct con-
strued as homosexuol—must be tried
for sexuol misconduct. The foct thot
the touchee was on undercover cop had
led to the toucher's orrest, but o triol
court hod dismissed the chorges probobly
оп grounds that the offense wos no big
deol.

The state’s high court thought differ-
ently. In moking its decision, it on
the 1986 U.S. Supreme Court decision in
Bowers vs. Herdwick, which upheld the

entirety of social progress in America
has been a continuous and relentless
attack on the Southern man’s position in
his social and familial hierarchy.

It’s easy to understand how the front
on which the Old American Man fights
has now shifted to a campaign against.
homosexuality, sexual permissiveness
and the sexual corruption of children.
Homosexuals are obviously a clear
threat to the Southern concept of a real
man, and the sexual liberation of women
and the movement to educate children
about sex are both serious challenges to
the Southern male's absolute control and.
domination of his women and children.

Considering this, it's not surprising
that the Old American Man has resorted
to religion to defend his insecurity. The
days are long gone when men could
declare, “I am the lord and master of my
women, my children and my slaves,
because I say so.” So the Old American
Man naturally turns to God—a higher
authority and an unimpeachable one,
at that—and argues, "God doesn't
approve of faggots, loose women or sassy
children. I'm only trying to save the
nation from eternal damnation. Reject
my views and you reject God's views.”

What it boils down to is that there are
23 states in which a majority of men are
very much afraid that America is trying
to remove their balls, and the men in the
Southern states have felt that way for a
long time. That, at the heart, is what the.
Southern emphasis on states’ rights has
always been about. States’ rights was an
issue in the Civil War, and it has now
become an issue with the antisodomy
laws. But it's the same old issue, really:
who gets to determine who has freedom
and who doesn't. And, according to the
Old American Man, nobody should
have frecdom— particularly sexual free-
dom—unless he says it's OK.

— WALTER L. LOWE, JR.

COMPROMISE

ovthority of eoch state to use the law to
promote morality. The Missot urt said
thot the Herdwick ruling estoblished thot
“there is no fundomentol right under the
U.S. Constitution to engoge in privote,
consensuol homosexual octivity" ond thot
"nowhere does the Constitution stote that
the promotion of morality is on impermis-
sible stote objective.” With the U.S.
Supreme Court so clearly putting state
legislotures in chorge of public and pri-
vote morals, on American Civil Liberties
Union spokesperson expressed pessimism
obout the possibility of ony sex-low
reform in the neor future.

The autibodies are magic bullets
that find their targets by themselves.
— PAUL EHRLICH, NOBEL LAUREATE

Sometimes, one gets the sneaking
suspicion that not everyone is rooting
for the researchers in their fight against
AIDS. The belief that the disease is
God’s punishment for those who have
led promiscuous lives is simply too
strong. This response to tragic illness
led me to investigate the response to
science’s first great challenge by and

Sypl
mon: They are sexually tr:
and thcir cure involves solving not only
a biological problem but also an attitu-
dinal one.

It is generally thought that syphilis
entered Europe with Columbus’ return
from the New World—and the medi-
cal establishment was woefully out-
matched by the disease. Although it
was known that diseases could be
transmitted by sexual contact, it was
not until the 19th Century that physi-
cians became aware of the impact of
syphilis on spouses (generally, wives)
and, hence, on family life. The thought
that irresponsible, lustful men could
visit this sickness upon their wives
(and their children, if they became
infected at childbirth) provided the
impetus not only to cure the disease
but also—and more important, at least
as far as some people were concerned —
to change the sexual code. The battle
over whether syphilis was more dan-
gerous medically or morally was on.

There was a resistance among doc-
tors treating syphilis, as there is cur-
rently among those treating AIDS, to
informing anyone other than the
patient that he had the illness. There

was the risk of embarrassment for the
families and of ostracism for the car-
rier. There was also the risk that the
carrier would not change his sexual
patterns and would pass along the d
case. The question was raised: Should
the physician be loyal to patient or to
his society?

These questions were never an-
swered, for in 1909, Paul Ehrlich, a
German Nobel laureate, succeeded in
chemically adapting arsenic to destroy
the syphilis spirochete.

Some people didn’t take kindly to
this interference with God's punish-
ment for sin. In commenting on the
results of this new medical discovery,
one conservative newspaper sarcasti-
cally noted, “No more danger! Down
with the family! Long live prostitu-
tion— the likes of which have not been
scen since the fall of Rome!” Luckily,
this was a minority opinion. The world
press in general greeted the taming of
the scourge enthusiastically: “A real
miracle! Astounding results! Unbelicv-
able cure! A great blessing!

The enduring appreciation of
Ehrlich's achievement can be gauged
by the success of the Warner Bros. pro-
duction Dr. Ehrlich's Magic Bullet. It
was released in 1940 and was the
highest-grossing film ever for two
straight weeks after its release. It was
the favorite of Edward G. Robinson,
who played Ehrlich.

"The way our socicty is dealing with
AIDS is much the sameas it dealt with
syphilis. Let's hope that it docsn't take
more than 400 years to find a cure for
AIDS.

Frank Heynick, Ph.D.

Department of Philosophy and Social

Sciences

Eindhoven University of Technology

n, the Netherlands

FEEDBACK (continued)

‘The real question is whether or not edu-
cation should be in the hands of the state
in the first place. In my view, it should not
be. For government to be in charge of the
schools is a notion more appropriate to a
totalitarian system.

Ifall schools were operated privately, a
variety of competing institutions would
arise to serve a diversity of views. Most of
these bitter conflicts would cease to exist.
Only then would education be truly plu-
ralistic and, in fact, far more public than it
is today.

Dentinger just grazes the real issue
when he notes toward the end of his piece,
“Children should not be forced into class-
rooms." Indeed, they should not. But he
might have considered the implications of
this insight—and the alternative.

Don Hauptman
New York, New York

You're missing something. You have the
option of sending your child to the private
school of your choice. As for the rest of us, we
like having the option of public education.

ANXIOUS ADVERTISING

There is a justified concern about AIDS
and every indication that condoms may
decrease the spread of the virus. But the
advertisement that hammers us over thc
head with “I enjoy sex, but I'm not ready
to die for it" sells the anxiety, not the con-
dom. Madison Avenue can create a con-
cern where none existed (do you have
dishpan hands?) and where a natural
concern exists, it can distort it beyond all
recognition. The Lifestyle condom-ad
campaign overlooks the basic nature of
teenage sexuality: Most kids would dic for
sex. And teenagers think they are immor-
tal, that death won't happen to them.
Scaring the pants off them just means
there's one less layer of clothing to get out
of the way.

If companies really want to put con-
doms into kids’ hands, they should market
them with little British flags on the sides
called Reeboks.

L. Mitchell
Springfield, Illinois
IL is ironic, and reassuring, that the man
who came up with the "I'm not ready to die
for it” line dropped the account when the
president of the condom company was
reported as saying that AIDS was “a con-
dom marketer's dream.” The condom wars
continue.

FOREIGN AIDS
I thought you'd be interested in the
Swiss approach to AIDS. A Geneva news-
paper included a special section on the
disease and, as part of its effort to educate
the consumer, enclosed a condom. How's
that for getting your money's worth
R. Sheridan
New York, New York

In an attempt to curb the spread of
AIDS in Great Britain, all gay men should

either be shot or be sent to the gas cham-
ber. That's the view of one Conservative
in England. This widely publicized out-
burst came at a time of AIDS phobia
among Brits, caused largely by a current
government information campaign.
Almost 700 people in the U.K. have con-
tracted the disease; more than half are
now dead. Almost all the sufferers have
been homosexual men living in or near
ible groups have

addicts and

Scotch heroin

hemophiliacs.

Right-wing groups have urged chastity
as the only acceptable response to the
threat, though both Anglican and Catho-
lic Church leaders have sanctioned the
governmenr's advice to the public to wear
condoms. Government decisions to issue
free needles to addicts and to send explicit
warning leaflets to every home in Britain
have been condemned. The British
National Viewers’ and Listeners’ Associa-
tion, which reviews television shows for
possible smut, fears the government
advice to stick to one partner will be
undermined by the "promiscuous life-
styles” so often depicted on the telly. It
has been suggested that Dirty Den, the
bed-hopping lead character in a popular
British soap will catch the discase as an
example to the masses. Given the British
lead, the producers of Dallas might be
moved to dispose of J. R. Ewing by the
same means.

In spite of all the publicity, a recent sur-
vey of 18-t0-44-ycar-old heterosexuals
revealed that 80 percent felt that they were
in little or no danger of contracting the
disease and therefore had no intention of
altering their lifestyles.

The true prevalence of the virus in Brit-
ain is not known. Government estimates
daim that there may be 100,000 carriers
at large. However, of 3,000,000 units of
donated blood screened for AIDS, only 68
have proved to be seropositive.

Frank Айсу
Wolverhampton, England

NAME-CALLING
I like to think for myself and be held
accountable for my actions, unlike the fun-
damentalists, who blame the Devil for
their wrongdoing. And I believe that peo-
ple should be allowed to practice their
religion—or not. Thanks to your com-
ments on secular humanism (The Playboy
Forum, April), | now know what to call
myself.
Rick Thibodcau
Nackawic, New Brunswick

DOUBLE STANDARD

After pulling рілуноу from the store
shelves in a bid to appease the Mecse
commission, thc Southland Corporation's
7-Eleven stores in British Columbia are
now selling condoms. This is a pilot proj-
ect aimed at curbing the spread of AIDS
among young people

While I applaud the Southland decision

to sell condoms, 1 still find it amazing that
a company so concerned with the welfare
of the public continues to refuse to sell
PLAYBOY, a magazine that has always advo-
cated safe and responsible sex.

I hope that Southland recognizes this
contradictory position and rcctifies it.
Until then, I will continue to refuse to
shop at 7-Eleven stores.

Alan Webster
Surrey, British Columbia

FIGHT IRE WITH IRE
A small group of pcople is trying to
remove PLAYBOY from the shelves of local
retailers. | am strongly opposed to this,
but I'm not sure how to fight it. Can you
help?
Dan Moyer
Loveland, Colorado
The people in Loveland who are trying lo

ban adult magazines from retail stores are
affiliated with the Reverend Donald
Wildmon's group, National Federation for
Decency. Their usual tactic is to boycott stores
that sell products that they find to be offen-
sive. We can only suggest that you be as vocal
as they are. Send letters to the retailers
expressing your views and get your friends to
do the same. —

CORRUPTIVE COKE

I recently spent some time in Colombia
When people—tcachers, taxi drivers,
dock workers, doctors—found out that I
was from thc United States, they told me
that we North Americans were destroying
their country. Our demand for cocaine
has upset their economy, corrupted their
authorities, divided their society and
endangered their lives. It soon became

WHAT SORT OF MAN
READS PLAYBOY?

Attorney General Edwin Meese HT
tells group of law clerks he has
read pı.avnov and does not think й is
obscene. —NEWS ITEM

Wi: an anonymous aphorist

observed, “Loyalty is a poor substitute
for intelligence," he must have had Ed
Mecse in mind. So it embarrasses us to
learn that the U.S. Attorney Gencral
admits to reading PIAYBOY—and not
justin the line of duty as national smut

buster. What's the most recent book
he's read? Not the report of his own
porno commission, said he, but he
released it anyway. His lavorite group?
The Supremes, no doubt, featuring
Carmen Miranda. Favorite beverage?
The Fifth, as interpreted with inverted
logic: “If a person is innocent of a
crime, then he is not a suspect." Turn-
ons: the Right and the righteous. Turn-
ofls: civil rights. Favorite songs: Give
Me That Old-Time Religion and Jail-
house Rock.

47

clear to me that they were telling the
truth. Great wealth and power go to those
engaged in the drug trade, fear and frus-
tration to the decent law-abiding majority
of Colombians.

Unfortunately, the pseudo sophisticates
among us consider that it’s hip to do
cocaine. Big shots do it, so the little people
follow. Were the trendsetters to stuff beans
in their ears, the followers would do like-
wise, especially if the beans were banned
The avant-garde would discover all kinds
of orifices in which to implant legumes,
and a great debate would take place over

the relative merits of the great green lima
and the royal red kidney. Ordinary tokers
would do the Boston baked. All of which
makes as much sense, and is as necessary
to our well-being, as rolling a $100 bill
into a neat tube and sniffing an irritant up
our nostrils.

I don't give a damn if users sniff cocaine
until their noses fall off; but when their
self-indulgence corrupts their fellow man,
then it’s time to start acting like responsi-
ble members of the world community.

I don’t expect you to publish this, but
you should. There comes a time when

even your staunchest supporters—and 1
am certainly one—must conclude that the
philosophy of “Do it if it feels good and
doesn't hurt anyone" is fine only if we give
heed to the second part of this belief. Now
people are hurting—and badly, It’s up to
us to do something about it.

Ed Rist

Dundee, Florida

We couldn't agree with you more. We have

already published articles this year about
drugs and drug abuse ("Cocaine," February,
and “Drugs: Where We Stand,” May).
Cocaine hurts the user, his friends and family
and even, as you point out, entire countries.

SICK HUMORE

First the fundamentalists went after sex,
drugs and rock 'n' roll. Now it's the daily
comics. We present the following letter as we
received it. Funny?

"The war for our children’s minds con-
tinues! Over the past year several fine
organizations have banned together to
educate parents around America of the
evils of rock music, drugs and saturday-
morning television. While these orga:
zations have done a fine job of educating
and enlightening the masses it has
become obvious they have overlooked
one of the most potentially dangerous
media outlets that influences our
children's minds—the daily comic
strips. Because of this Concerned Par-
ents Monitoring Comics (CPMC) has
been formed.

Once the bastion of safe family
humor, many people today have failed to
notice the controversial and illicit activi-
ties that take place in the daily comic
strips. Syndicated strips around the
nation serve to promote antisocial
behavior, lack of respect for authority
and, in some cases, the occult and drugs.
While much of this content is thinly dis-
guised as satire we as parents must seri-
ously wonder whether or not young
minds are capable of comprehending

BLOOM COUNTY

satire, what eflects such strips might
have on their behavioral development
and just what kind of influence certain
cartoonists are trying to have on our
children.

The CPMC has been monitoring a
variety of nationally and regionally syn-
dicated strips over the past nine months.
A board composed of child psychiatrists,
clergy and educators has concluded the
following to be the most potentially haz-
ardous strips. We urge parents to use dis-
cretion when allowing young people to
read the following:

1. The Far Side A sick demented
humor motivates this strip that often
centers around acts of cannibalism and
cruelty to animals.

2. Doonesbury Complete lack of
respect for authority. A blatant play by
ultraleft idealists to influence the minds
of our children.

3. Voodoo Banana A warped strip
that promotes the occult, cannibalism
and liberal morals.

4. Bloom County Although the char-
acters are often cute animals, their mes-
sage is often a potentially dangerous one.

5. Hagar the Horrible Promotes
poor manners. Also presents bad role
models for young men and women.

6. Frank and Ernest No set moral
standards. Leaves children confused
about right and wrong.

7. Life in Hell The title alone should
tell most parents what kind of “comic”
to expect.

8. The Born Loser Portrays an айег-
work martini mentality that most of us
had hoped died in the 50's.

9. Dennis the Menace Some may con-
sider this a classic, but it's an obvious
attempt to subvert authority figures.

10. The Amazing Spiderman Blatant
violence runs rampant.

Instead, we suggest parents direct
their children toward the following,
which have proven to be the most posi-
tive strips for young readers.

1. Peanuts.

2. The Family Circus

3.

4. The Muppets

5. Gummi Bears

6. Ernie Pook’s Comeek

7. Marvin

Please help support our cause by possing
along this information to your readers or
viewers. For more information on this study
or our organization, contact Reverend Brion
Kirk at 209-432-2080.

by Berke Breathed

‘Copyright 1886. Reprinted with permission of The Washington Post Writers Group.

2 d *
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Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: WHOOPI GOLDBERG

a candid conversation with the outspoken actress and comedian about laughter,
abortion, racism, drugs, oral sex, the homeless—and how she got that name

It's a safe bet that anyone even near а TV
set, movie theater or magazine during the
past three years has on more than one occa-
sion seen a black female face, topped by a
dread-locked сой, staring back with a street-
wise grin and wondered, Who or what is a
Whoopi Goldberg?

Good question, and one that until now has
been only partially answered. Unless you had.
caught her critically acclaimed. one-woman
Broadway show in 1984, had seen il as an
HBO special or had bought her album, you
might have thought that Whoopi appeared
overnight, And although she gave inter-
views, she was stingy with biographical
details—including her real name and age.
Personal history was most often relegated to a.
few terse sentences. The past didn't matter.

In fact, although her experimental-theater
credentials were first-rate, Whoopi was
mostly the secret darling of the aesthetic cut-
ling edge—until Steven Spielberg tapped her
lo play Celie, the central character of “The
Color Purple.” That bit of inspired casting
earned her an Academy Award nomination
Jor best actress—and ensured that when Mil-
ton Berle told his Whoopi Goldberg joke (“A
black woman with a Jewish name. She
doesn't do windows, because she's got a head-
ache"), only the media-deprived wouldn't
know whom he was talking about.

"Actors have no color. That is the art form.
I'm not colorless—I'm black. Hs not some-
thing I consciously think about. It just is. I's
like having a dick. You don't think about
having a dick. You just have one.”

Today, Whoopi is having a love affair with
the public. Her second and third films
(“Jumpin’ Jack Flash” and “Burglar”) have
been released; she was a very visible prime
mover in. last year’s “Comic Relief” benefit
Jor the American homeless; she presented the
lop award at this years Grammys; she's done
а TV special with Carol Burnett and another
with the Pointer Sisters; and she narrated the
Disney film “Captain Eo." Currently, she's
filming “Fatal Beauty,” co-starring Sam
Elliott, in Los Angeles

Has success changed Whoopi Goldberg?
Well, sort of. True, she still lives in Berkeley,
near the University of California—with no
plans to relocate. And her 12-year-old
daughter, Alexandria, treals her just the way
she always has, But Whoopi—a veteran
“overnight” sensution—has also had lo come
lo grips with the velocity of her ascension.
She is, after all, a long way from her child-
hood years in a housing project in the Chel-
sea area of Manhattan.

Her parents split up soon after she was
born, leaving her mother, a practical nurse.
and, later, a Head Start teacher, to care for
Whoopi and her older brother. Whoopi's
youthful passions Halloween and
watching movies on television. When she was
eight years old, she joined an afterschool
drama group at the Hudson Guild, a local

were

“This is a motherfucker of a business. People
say, ‘You're in magazines, you're making
movies and you're complaining! I'm not. Em
freaked because I'm in the middle of ü and 1
can't tell what I'm doing.”

settlement house, and acted in local children's
theater productions.

She also spent a lot of time on the street,
suffering the insecurities of the less-than-
popular teen—in part because she occasion-
ally had white boyfriends. Eventually, she got
into drugs and dropped out of school—and
continued to act. But at 18, she married her
drug counselor and got pregnant—in that
order. A few months later, the marriage was
over and, in 1974, with baby in tow, Whoopi
moved to San Diego. There, a series of odd
jobs and welfare kept her plugging away at
acting—improvisation with groups such as
Spontaneous Combustion and stage work
with the San Diego Repertory Company.

When an acting partner canceled on a
Berkeley gig, Whoopi debuted as a solo artist.
Soon, she relocated to Berkeley, found a live-
in boyfriend and continued her work, most
notably with the Blake Street Hawkeyes. She
also began developing her one-woman out-
ing, "The Spook Show."

The show traveled to Europe, then settled
in fora run at New York's Manhattan Dance
Theater Workshop, where producer-director
Mike Nichols caught Whoopi's act, report-
edly cried and offered to put it on Broadway.
The rest is more or less history.

We asked Contributing Editor David
Rensin 10 meet with Whoopi as she finished up

PHOTOGRAPHY EY KERRY MORRIS

“I was Бот a hippie and will be till 1 die.
When I say hippie, I mean humanist. Envi-
ronmentalist. Someone who wants world
peace. Zen politics. Sunshine, rainbows, God.
But that was not cool in my neighborhood.

51

PLAYBOY

52

“Burglar” and, at this crucial career junc-
ture, put her life into perspective. Said
Rensin afterward:

“Although Whoopi was wrapping her
third film in two years, packing for a six-week
honeymoon and fighting the flu that wouldn't
go away, she agreed to squeeze in as much
time with me as possible before she left for
Europe.

"We met first in the Burbank Studios com-
missary, then moved to her trailer, parked by
the sound stage on which ‘Burglar’ was being
filmed, Like most dressing rooms near wrap
time, was a collection of clutter. Among
the items: a case of brown and blue glass eyes
fashioned into key rings; a ‘Comic Relief’
poster; assorted. Negro art (including ideal-
ized blacks selling Coca-Cola); and an ample
supply of MEM". Whoopi sat on the floor,
near the door, chain-smoking. It was the per-
fect spot from which to field the nearly con-
stant interruptions.

“Later that week, we resumed our conver-
sations at the Hollywood Hills house Whoopi
and David Claessen, her new husband, share
with her manager when she's in Los Angeles.
It, too, was filled with memorabilia: ‘Jumpin’
Jack Flash’ watches, neon sculptures, old
movie posters, a Groucho Marx doll, etc. But
without other intrusions (except for her Elvis-
lipped dog, Rutger), we managed to get a lot
more done, talking over cranberry juice and
Vantages in the dining room.

“Between sessions, I couldn't escape the
feeling that things were going loo well, that
perhaps 1 was being too easy on Whoopi, But
upon reviewing the transcripts. E saw it
wasn't true. She'd fielded some painful ques-
tions with tough answers. Still, when read,
her answers seemed more aggressive—even
angry—than | recalled. Then it dawned on
me. I had been taken in by her face.

“Whoopi describes her face as ‘Silly Putty,
Round, with lots of cheeks, huge teeth and
big black eyes.’ Add a wide mouth framed by
generously sensuous lips and a broad nase,
and it sounds like something only a mother
could love. Yet it is a crucial part of the pack-
age that makes her fans numerous and fer-
vently loyal.

Some might credit other things: according
to American Film, for instance, her
uncanny ability to ‘synthesize elements of
stand-up comedy, improvisation, tragedy and
cautionary lale . . . into six widely different
characters. Or her pinpoint sociocultural
insights or, simply, her creative use of foul
language. They wouldn't be wrong, bul the
face is the key, revealing. basic emotional
truths in а larger-than-life manner. Hs
impossible to ignore, and the connection is
immediate. Whoopi slips under your guard.
with that goofy, sincere grin and seduces you
while you think you re still making up your
mind.

hroughout the interview, she was open
and outspoken, wheeling in and out of vari-
eus characterizations, and all with a casual
self-assurance. In fact, her belief in her talent
was consistently apparent. Behind the well-
known dramatis personae, there is a woman
who knows her stufí—and has no qualms

about saying so, especially when she feels that
her spontaneity and creativity have been
restricted. or slighted. Furthermore, Whoopi
was very aware of being, at this point in her
young Jim. career, deep in the heart of the
heart of the Hollywood star-making machine.
She knew that called for extra concentration
on the work at hand, but she couldn't resist
slipping into an analysis of the process and
the price of fame as we spoke.

“Ultimately, though, Whoopi sensed that
our talk was also an opportunity to voice her
concerns about social issues, as well as finally
sel the record straight about her name, age
and background. Unclouding her shadowy
past scemed a perfect way to begin.”

PLAYBOY: Let's clear up a few basics—such
as your name and how old you really are.
You've said your age is anywhere from 30
to 36. What's the truth?

GOLDBERG: I’m only 31. My birthday is
November 13, 1955. [Shows her driver's
license] I lied about my age for a long
time, because nobody would hire mc to

“A woman said, Ч would
have called you Whoopi,
because when you’re
unhappy you make a sound
like a whoopee cushion.’”

act. Everyone said I was too young. So,
when I was 20, I put six years on my life. 1
also said I'd studied with Lee Strasberg.
Га already done a lot of acting. But, for
some reason, people don’t give you credit
for learning anything in a short amount of
time. I grew up in New York and knew
stuff that people growing up other places
just didn't.

PLAYBOY: Your real name was finally
reported as Caryn Johnson, but why the
big mystery? Why did you choose Whoopi
Goldberg in the first place?

GOLDBERG: The name was a fluke. A joke.
It started when I was doing A Christmas
Carol in San Diego. We'd backstage
and talk about names we'd never give our
children, like Pork Pie or Independence.
Ofcourse, now people are walking around
with those names. A woman said to me,
“If I was your mother, I would have
called you Whoopi, because when you're
unhappy you make a sound like a
whoopee cushion. It sounds like a fart.” It
was like “Ha-ha-ha-ha—Whoopi!” Si
people actually started calling me Whoopi
Cushion. After about a year, my mother
said, “You won't be taken seriously if you
call yourself Whoopi Cushion. So try this
combination: Whoopi Goldberg.”
PLAYBOY: That simple? It wasn't an en-
counter with a burning bush, as you've
claimed? Just your mother’s idea?
GOLDBERG: Yes. She suggested Gold!

She just thought it flowed better. Mothers,
you know, they sit and think about shit
like this. Bur you tell people the truth and
they go, “Oh, come on. It's not interesting
enough.” So that's why I made up the
burning-bush story. All I know is that
when I tried it, the name worked. People
said, “What a great name! What a great
fucking name!" Except critics. In a re-
view, one said, “Whoopi Goldberg was
fantastic as Mother Courage, but that
name is ridiculous." I wrote him a letter
and said that a rose by any other name
would still be an actor.

PLAYBOY: So why the secrecy?

GOLDBERG: That was only when I was on
Broadway. With the influx of magazines
and television, I was thinking of my kid. I
had a whole life, and I did not want peo-
ple invading my home, asking questions
that I was not prepared to answer at the
time. 1 just wanted a little privacy for
myself, for my kid. Couldn't even go to the
P.T.A. anymore, When my real name
came out in the press, it pissed me off.
PLAYBOY: How did it slip out?

GOLDBERG: | did an interview with People
magazine at my house, because I don't
like to travel. The reporter figured it out at
my home. | asked the magazine not to
mention where | lived and to leave my
name out. They said OK but didn't put it
in writing. Next thing I knew, there it was.
Now, every time Pm in People, they make
ita point to write m ame. Now all
the magazines do. Every fucking maga-
zine. [Sighs] It’s funny, because I want to
tell people stuff. I want to be able to
explain myself a little bit, but not if people
arc going to turn around and fück me up.
PLAYBOY: Don't you think that after all the
build-up in the press, a certain amount of
tearing down is inevitable?

GOLDBERG: It pisses me off that people
wait for vou to fuck up, for something to
happen to you. I like having different-
color eyes, so | sometimes wear blue
contact lenses. Then I get criticized for
wanting to be white. It's play stuff. But it's
turned into "Oh, you don't want to bc
black." I don't want to deal with this crap.
PLAYBOY: The press helped make you a
star, though.

GOLDBERG: No.

PLAYBOY: Why not?

GOLDBERG: Because I was doing my stage
show before any press came out. HBO
helped make me a star. Television. The
Color Purple. People came to see me on
Broadway because Mik ichols was
involved. They came to see if he had
fucked up. Mike Nichols gets the same
treatment as just about everybody elsc.
[Laughs] Word of mouth is what made me
famous. And then the press wanted to talk
to me.

PLAYBOY: You sound angry.

GOLDBERG: No, Um just annoyed.
PLAYBOY: Will the situation improve?
GOLDBERG: No. 1 think that it’s only going
to get a little bit worse.

PLAYBOY: Did you expect better treatm

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PLAYBOY

GOLDBERG: | don't know what I was
expecting. I didn't expect to become big.
There was no time to think, no time to
pack. I was in the delivery room instantly!
But I think Гуе fared pretty well. I read
movie-star biographies. Sid Caesar's auto-
biography prepared me for onc big aspect
of being popular that I hadn't anticipated.
He wrote that the biggest down, the big-
gest crevice most pcople fall into is “Am I
going to wake up and not be good at
this anymorc?" That's what scarcd Sid.
Marilyn Monroe. John Belushi. Errol
Flynn. Am I going to wake up suddenly
and not be able to do this anymore? I
don't have that fear.

PLAYBOY: Never?

GOLDBERG: No. Because acting is all I ever
knew I wanted to do. I know I can do it. 1
know Pm good at it. This movie stuff
could all fall apart tomorrow. That's OK.
I have the four-letter word to fall back on.
PLAYBOY: What word?

GOLDBERG: T-O-U-R. That is the saving
grace. 1 have my theater work to fall back
on. There are theaters I can work in in
San Francisco, in San Dicgo. As soon as
people sce what you're doing, what the
press says doesn’t matter. It’s all in the
box office. That’s obvious to me, because
there wasn’t a lot of great press on my
show in New York.

PLAYBOY: Could you be happy just touring
after this dose of movie stardom?
GOLDBERG: I’m gone! I'm going back next
year! Listen. I go on the road by myself,
take the old man if he wants to go. And I
work. And once I get on the stage, it
doesn’t matter what's happened before,
Its like heaven, man. It’s like fucking
heaven. I come when I work. I fucking
come when I work, That's what matters,
not being some star. Stars don't get to do
anything. Stars only are. They re a state of
mind. Pm not a star. I’m a working char-
acter actor.

PLAYBOY: In threc ycars, you've gone from.
near anonymity to being a houschold
word. When did you get the first clue that
you'd arrived?

GOLDBERG: I’m not sure that I have,
because arriving to me means longevity.
But it's funny. The first inkling that some-
thing was happening came from Mad
magazine. My kid gave it to me. She
said, "Oh, look, Ma! You!" It was like,
“Heeeceyyyyy!” They did a parody of Bev-
erly Hills Cop, and in onc of the panels,
you see a hotel lobby. Eddie Murphy is in
the background, and in thc foreground isa
picture of me labeled VALLEY GIRL, which is
based on one of my characters. It was a big
deal to me.

PLAYBOY: Even Eddie Murphy, who was
famous for keeping his poise when he
became famous, supposedly has had diff-
culties handling the rush of success. How
do уси think you're going to manage?
GOLDBERG: Somctimes it's tough to keep
my ego in check, but I blame it on the peo-
ple around me, because, suddenly, I can't

do any wrong. They tell me shit that’s not
true. And if enough people tell you that
your shit doesn’t stink, you start thinking
that maybe it doesn’t. Sometimes it’s hard
for me to get my head through the fucking
door. Meanwhile, I'm actually thinking
that all this star stuff is a goof, because
I'm really just a kid from the projects. But
no one wants to hear it. People think I'm
bragging. But, shit, I see Jack Nicholson
and Рт a puddle on the ground. It's hard
to think of myself in those terms. This is
all new for me.

But I know this cgo stuff will kill you.
It’s very isolating. Suddenly, the way you
wipe your ass is news, big fucking news!
People try to take your picture in the bath-
room. No kidding. Once, Га posed for
some photographers and then went to the
toilet. I heard someone come in while I
was in the stall. Now, I have this thing,
because I saw a movie once where there
was a killer in the bathroom and a guy
went into the stall and the killer dropped
down and strangled him. So whenever I
go in, I look through the little slit to sce
who's there. It was this woman with a
camera, waiting just outside the stall for
me to come out. I said to her, “Don't do
this. It's not good and it will really fuck
you up. Really fuck you up!" She left.
PLAYBOY: What other kinds of problems do
you encounter?

GOLDBERG: People, friends, suddenly treat
you diflerently. They don't even wait for
you to change and become an asshole.
They just assume you're going to be one
and treat you accordingly. This is very
painful when all you're trying to do is fig-
urc out that you're still OK.
PLAYBOY: When actors talk about how
tough it is, most people's response is, “We
should all have it so tough." What do you
think?
GOLDBERG: I think this is a motherfucker
of a business. I work 16 hours a day. I sit
around. Then I have to come every time
someone says, "Action." I do 80, 90 per-
formances a day when I’m working on a
movie. But people don’t understand that
movie people are still human beings. They
say, "Your name is in magazines, you're
ies and you're complaining!"
Pm not. I'm freaked because Pm in the
middle of it and I can't tell what Pm
doing. But Pm also lucky to have friends
who can still say, "Look, bitch! Don't get
cute.” My kid's like that. She says that if
she has to make her bed, so do I.
PLAYBOY: You gained national attention as
Celie in The Color Purple. You also
received an Oscar nomination for best
actress in 1986 but didn't win. Should you
have?
GOLDBERG: No. I knew immediately it
wasn't mine. In fact, 1 was probably lucky
not to win. If I had, there'd be nowhere
for me to go. People would have wondered
if was just a flash in the pan. Now they'll
wait for me to get better.
PLAYBOY: Why didn't you go to the Oscar
party afterward? Pissed off?

GOLDBERG: No. People assumed that. I
was ready to go party. Are you crazy? I
had Michael J. Fox with me, and we were
going to boogie all night. Instead, while I
was presenting the editing award, I got
very sick. I have ovarian cysts, and one
burst while I was standing there. On tape,
you can see me lean on the podium. I was
in pain! Poor Michael ended up taking me
to the hospital.

PLAYBOY: To get the part of Celie, didn’t
you do a sort of command performance
of your stage show for director Steven
Spielberg?

GOLDBERG: My management initially said,
“You don’t have to go audition for him.” I
said, "Are you crazy?" One of the great
things about Steven is that when he hears
about something new, he wants to see it in
case he can work with it. Thats why new
directors get such a shot with him. Appar-
ently, enough people had said to him,
“Man, we're hearing about this girl.”
PLAYBOY: The Color Purple created a lot of
controversy. There were complaints by
the NAACP about the depiction of black
men, criticism that the film skirted the les-
bian relationship of Celie and Shug Avery,
the fuss over Spielberg’s failure to get
an Oscar nomination, the film's getting
led at the awards. In retrospect, was
Spielberg the right director for the job?
GOLDBERG: Fuck, yes. Nobody else—
black, white, male, female—could have
made it the way it was. His name attached
to the film got people to see it. Who bet-
ter? Because of him, it got out to Butt-
Tussle, Idaho; to Supreme, Georgia, a
town of 28 people with one movichouse,
where it played for months.

PLAYBOY: What about the charge that
black men were portrayed one-sidedly in
the film?

GOLDBERG: No one said anything about
how black men were portrayed when the
book was published. Again, the key word
here is Spielberg. If a black director had.
made the film, the NAACP wouldn't have
said shit. The branch here complains
there's no work for black actors. So
Spielberg goes mostly with unknown black
actors and the NAACP says black men are
depicted in a bad light, the movie's fucked
up and you shouldn't go see

But before that, the movie Purple Rain
came out, with a lot of black men in it.
They throw women into trash cans and
scheme and lie and nigger around, as it
were. Great concert footage. I’m a big fan
of Prince’s music. But that movie is the
most disgusting throwback I've ever seen.
These guys are abusing women. Is that
image different from what they think Mis-
ter is doing? Is Morris Day any different
from Harpo? Nobody said a word.

By the way, after the Oscars, the same
branch of the NAACP bitched because
The Color Purple didn’t win anything
That says there’s some bullshit floating
around here.

PLAYBOY: What difficulties have you en-
countered, being black in Hollywood?

GOLDBERG: I don't think of things in terms.
of color. Hollywood does. When I grew
up, it was never an issue. My mother.
would say, "Look, you're black. You woke
up black this morning, you'll go to bed
black tonight. But it doesn't make any dif-
ference. It doesn't mean that you will be
better or worse at school. It doesn't mean
that you will get or not get jobs," which
was kind ol—in this field—not exactly
true. But I didn't know that until very
recently. People kept saying, "You know,
there aren't a lot of black movies." And I
didn't get what they meant. In New York,
actors are not black and white. They're
actors. You have Diana Sands and Alan
Alda doing The Owl and the Pussycat, But
you come here and people say, "You're
good but, shit, we can't have an interracial
couple." Is there a law that says you can't?
"Well, no. It's just that our audience
wouldn't be ready for it.”

PLAYBOY: How did you manage to get used
to that attitude?

GOLDBERG: I didn't ger used to it ar all. I
just kind of ignore it, and I tell other peo-
ple to do the same. I'm always asked what
advice 1 have for black actors. Simple:
Don't think about being black. Its not
like you can pretend to be a white person
PLAYBOY: Well, of course.

GOLDBERG: Not “ol course.” It’s the same
thing as my being told [ want to be white
because I wear blue contact lenses. Does
anybody tell Cher she wants to be what-
ever because she wears blue or green con-
tact lenses? Does anyone say to Tina
Turner, “Damn, Tina! You wanna be
white because you don't have nappy hair!
How come you wearing those wigs?" It
doesn’t have anything to do with being
black or white. There are plenty of black
people who have green eyes. 1 don't have
them. But if] want "em, I can get "em!

, a way to circumvent ever
са for trying to act white?
GOLDBERG: Well, how do white people act?
How do black people act? How do you
know on the phone who's what? When you
listen to my Surfer Chick, you can't tell
that I’m a black woman doing a white
woman. You can't, you know. I don't deal
with people and their color, because it
means I can't work. As soon as I put a
limit of being a black and a woman on
myself, that narrows down the field of
work to nothing. To nothing. Actors have
no color. That is the art form. Actors are
supposed to be able to do anything. Be
anyonc.

PLAYBOY: Do you bel
black pride, black ideals?

GOLDBERG: | believe in promoting pride.
Just people's pride.

PLAYBOY: Some might say your "colorless-
ness" was simply a way of side-stepping
confrontations.

GOLDBERG: With whom? I’m not colorless.
You can see that I'm black. It’s not some-
thing I consciously think about. It just is.

n promoting

It’s like having a dick. You don't think
about having a dick. You just have onc.
PLAYBOY: If being black is not an issue with
you, is being a woman?

GOLDBERG: No. I don't think of life in
terms of being a woman, either.

PLAYBOY: Would you call yourself a
feminist?

GOLDBERG: No. Look, I'll tell you what
Гт into. I like the idea of being able to
talk to people about certain issues that
аНесї men and women. For example,
abortion. Otherwise, Га have to think
about life asa woman, then as a black per-
son, then as a black woman, then what
happens if 1 add Catholic—it’s endless!
I'm trying in my own way to maintain a
humanistic view of everything. It sounds
peachy-cute to a lot of people, but I don't
give a fuck. I don't want to represent this
or speak for that. That only leads to peo-
ple fighting, and then someone says you're
not fighting hard cnough for women with
behinds that sag closer to their knees. And
what about the men with no toes?
PLAYBOY: What were your attitudes while
you were growing up?

GOLDBERG: ] grew up in a place where
people said, “Do whatever you can do and
do it well, because it’s going to be tough,
you know? Not because you're a woman,
not because you're black, but because it’s
a motherfucker out there.” I didn't know
about women's rights or men's rights. As
far as I knew, I had all the rights that I
needed. Then, suddenly, in the Sixties, we
had middle-class women who decided that
P.T.A. wasn't enough, that being a cuff
link on their husband's arm was not
enough. So they called themselves wom-
en's liberators. But they weren't liberating
people in my neighborhood, because the
mothers were always working mothers
gle parents often raised their children.
PLAYBOY: In 1965, you were ten years
old—a little young to be so aware of social
change. Was it your mother who was
aware of what was going on around her?
GOLDBERG: No, no. Awareness had noth-
ing to do with it. Everybody's parents
worked. Some people had two parents and
some people didn’t. I was aware of what
the women’s movement was asking for.
These women were burning bras and say-
ing, "We want to be able to do this and
that.” But that had nothing to do with the
people in my neighborhood. The issues
that were raised then were issues that my
mother had already fought for. She worked
as a practical nurse at French Hospital in
New York. Female practical nurses made
what male practical nurses made. Equal-
ity was never a question. In my neighbor-
hood, it’s about your kids’ being hungry,
you know?

PLAYBOY: How does that attitude work for
you in Hollywood? Haven't you ever been
offended as a woman by, say, a male-
chauvinist producer or execu
GOLDBERG: As a person, yes. Never as a
woman. Of course, I don’t like people hav-
ing nasty attitudes toward me for no rea-

son. People have told me I wasn’t pretty
cnough to do certain films. But then,
because they can’t get the really pretty
people, they have to switch and pay an
ugly woman s price. [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: Let's turn it around. Has being a
woman made it easier for you?

GOLDBERG: I've never fucked my way any-
where, if that’s what you mean. Could
never do that. [Pauses] I don't think so.
The only time I think about being a
woman here is when I see how women
treat one another. Basically, people don't
fuck with me, because I don't intimidate
anyone overtly, like by being glamorous.
I'm sure that if someone has to spend two
hours on her make-up and then she looks
at me and knows I spend five seconds just
wiping myself off, it mav be a bit intimi-
dating. [Laughs] In the same way, 1 look
at some women and think, Goddamn, if I
could just look like that for five minutes, 1
would be happy. I'd love to look like Shari
Belafonte Harper—gorgeous and a nice
person. If you're lucky, you get both. 1
have days like that.

PLAYBOY: Is it tough to relate to these
pretty fashion plates?

GOLDBERG: We don't have much in com-
mon. I can't talk about nail color, because
I bite my nails. I can't talk about the
best hairdos, facials or shopping. I have
watched a lot of women play woman
games, especially if I’m at a function with
my husband. A woman will say hello to
me and ^Hiiiiii" to my husband, The first
one is kind of a "Watch this" to mc; the
second is an “1 can make your dick hard”
to him. I could wi her car, “Bitch,
if you come near him, ГЇЇ chop your fin-
gers off,” but I don't have to. I'm too
secure to think he's going to go out onto.
the veranda and fuck some stunningly gor-
geous woman. In fact, I'm rather pleased
that women notice him.

PLAYBOY: Women's jealousy—sounds like
a subject you might discuss with your
friend Oprah Wintrey

GOLDBERG: Yes. She and I and Rae Dawn
Chong got very tight with one another on
the set of The Color Purple. We'd sit and
gab in the fucking Holiday Inn. We went
to see Patti LaBelle in concert. Also
Springsteen. 1 took Oprah to buy cowboy
boots. We talk about everything. Girl talk
about guys, mostly. You know: “Whoopi,
what's the craziest thing that’s ever
happened to you?” And I said, “My
Rolodex.” So Oprah and I went through
my Rolodex together and she was going,
“Ooh, girl! Oh, shit! I want this number!”
Now we just call each other ho. That's for
whore. “Hey, ho!”

PLAYBOY: On your next picture, Jumpin’
Jack Flash, the problems apparently hap-
pened during filming, not afterward.
What stands out about that experience?
GOLDBERG: Making that movie was awful.
It was a fucking terrible experience that
made me an ugly person—and I didn't
like that. The fact that the film has done
wellis по consolation. None. The producers

57

PLAYBOY

wanted me to be the female answer to
Eddie Murphy. But I'm not the black
female answer to anybody. At the outset,
they said, “We want something original.
You put it together with the writers.”
They went through a lot of fucking writ-
ers. But very little of what you sec on the
screen was on paper. It's me.

PLAYBOY: Wasn't the sc
done——

GOLDBERG: For Shelley Long. It's a mis-
take to try to rewrite things forme. Only I
can take the material that's already there
and have some fun with it, They'd said I
could—which is why I said yes to the
script. Eventually, I sat in a room with an
executive who said, “Well, I know we
promised you all this, but, frankly, we've
got you. You have signed on the dotted
line. You have to make this movie and
you're going to do it this way.” 1 got the
“artistic-control” handshake in the b:
ig, but Гус learned never to assume
anything again. From now on, every mi-
nute detail will be spelled out in my con-
tract so that I know where I stand at all
times. It was quite an education —like
graduate school. This film deva-fucking-
stated me! I'm not even positive that the
producers wanted to make this movie
work. [Pauses] 105 a piece of shit that flew
for some reason. It flies because I’m cute
in it. It doesn’t have any redeeming qual-
ity, and it's not a great performance.
PLAYBOY: Nonetheless, it was a box-office
success. Does its director, Penny Mar-
shall, deserve the credit?

GOLDBERG: No. Donald Duck could have
directed that film and the producers
would have gotten what they got. Penny
Marshall should have been the actress in
the movie. We clashed, because 1 had
been on the movie for a while before they
brought her in and had been going in a
specific direction. The producers had
given me some leeway to play with things
and she had her own very definite idea of
how it was going to go. There were
when she'd be standing behind the c
cra giving me nuances as I was working,
as the camera was rolling, showing me
what she wanted to see.

PLAYBOY: That's directing, isn’t it?
GOLDBERG: It’s annoying. [Sighs] But the
further I get away from it, the easier it is
for me to calm down and see that it wasn't
meant as an insult. A month ago, I would
have said it was because Penny was a rot-
ten, terrible, horrible person. And she's
not. She would never have been my choice
for a director, but this was her first time
out and there's a lot of stuff she didn't
know. And a lot of faith she didn't have in
me, OK?

For me, this is not a good way to work,
because Гуе been spoiled rotten. I got
spoiled by Mike Nichols, who said, “You
know how to do this. What are you going
to do here?” And Spielberg, who said,
“OK, great. How would this go?”

The only thing I know how to do is act
and do characters. It's one of the reasons.

t originally

for all this hoopla about me. If you don't
allow me to show you what I've developed
for the character you've given me, then
you're fucking yourself. You can get some-
one else.

PLAYBOY: Hasn't that very self-confidence
led some to call you a prima donna?
GOLDBERG: That's finc. Of course.
PLAYBOY: Have you heard it yourself?
GOLDBERG: People don't tell me shit to my
face. But, like I told you, people are wait-
ing for me to fuck up—and now I have.
But that’s OK. Jumpin’ Jack Flash made
money because I’m in it.

PLAYBOY: Your most recent film, Burglar,
wasn't written for you, either.

GOLDBERG: No. It was written for Bruce
Willis. 1 was supposed to play his sidc-
kick. When Bruce didn’t sign, the studio
canned the project. I called a weck after
they'd shut it down and said, “I can do
this." And they said, “Of course!”
PLAYBOY: The role in Burglar was written
for a man, and onc of your main charac-
ters, Fontaine, is a man. Do you like play-
ing male roles?

GOLDBERG: My attitude is that I can play
anything. I meet with resistance, but peo-
ple forget that playing different genders is
nothing new. Actors did it in Shakespear-
can umes. Or look at Linda Hurt [in The
Year of Living Dangerously]. No one knew
for a long time that she was a woman. I'd
like to play Bob Marley. I'm not saying
actors should be allowed to play anything,
but they should be able to play anything.
"That is the art form.

PLAYBOY: Why do you say it’s a mistake to
write or rewrite scripts to suit you?
GOLDBERG: Because | do too many things.
You have to give me a character and let me
build from there. For someone to attempt
to write for me means he or she knows
what I'm capable of—and it's too soon to
know that. I prefer to have things written
for Meryl Streep or Shelley Long or Diana
Ross or Robert De Niro. And let me play.
PLAYBOY: Aren’t you also saying that roles
written for you would be limited to black
women?

GOLDBERG: Yes. But also, people think
they have to write comedy for me—and
I'm not a comedienne. 1 do not do stand-up.
They try to write what they think 1 do.
PLAYBOY: How has this philosophy been
received in the corridors of Hollywood?
It's certainly not playing by the rules.
GOLDBERG: I get strange looks. And I don't
know the rules. They don't apply to me.
PLAYBOY: Interesting attitude.

GOLDBERG: It is. But so far, so good. Rules
of limitation on what 1 can do don't apply,
because if they did, then I wouldn't be an
actor. Га be a piece of meat. I'm not inter-
ested in that. I'm a good actor, and actors
can play anything.

PLAYBOY: Did you act as a child?
GOLDBERG: І started when I was eight. I
lived ncar the Hudson Guild in Manhat-
tan. They had a children's group. It's a
settlement house. You went there after
school to do whatever you were interested

in—until your parents got off work and
came for you. For me, it was like being ina
candy store and being able to have any
piece of candy I wanted. I knew right
away that I liked it.
PLAYBOY: Did you do characters carly?
GOLDBERG: No. I just wanted to do what I
saw on television. I wanted to be a Dead
End Kid. I wanted to be Carole Lombard.
I watched The Million Dollar Movie. Y
didn't even know these movies we
that they were all in black and whit
ured they were in color—only to discover
I was wrong when 1 got a color TV. But
ultimately, the absence of color made it
casicr to fantasize along with the movies.
Like Psycho. All the color you sce is nonex-
istent. But it was perfect for me, because I
love to live in my head. I love to pretend
Watching The King of Comedy was scary.
for me, because | sat at home and had
conversations with Johnny Carson.
PLAYBOY: Apparently, you had lots of time
alone, since your mom raised you by her-
self. What happened to your father?
GOLDBERG: They scparated soon after I
was born. One thing about my family: It's
pretty closemouthed. My mother doesn't
talk about this or hcr agc or hcr parents or
her relationship with my father. She's like
the Mystery Woman.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever met your dad?
Spent time with him?
GOLDBERG: Yeah. He and Mom never
divorced. I never found out why—and to
learn about it now would probably only
piss me off. I grew up in an apartment
with my mom and older brother, Clyde,
but we were like threc separate islands. I
love them very much, but it was distant.
PLAYBOY: Unhappy?
GOLDBERG: No. My mom was distant but
generous. My brother is six years older.
He was out playing sofiball and didn't
want to hear from his little sister. There
was not a whole lot of John Boy stuff going
on. But, hey, wealways had enough to cat.
We could always get a hug. There was
some affection. There just wasn't a whole
lot of talk about family. Or a whole lot of
communication. [Pauses] I should balance
this boohoo tale out, because there were
lots of great times. Mom is a wonderful
lady, just very dry. We've grown closer in
the past four years
PLAYBOY: Has having your own child
affected your perspective?
GOLDBERG: Yeah. I couldn’t know how
tough it is raising kids until I had mine.
One day I called my mom up and said,
“Shit. I'm sorry for being such an
asshole.” For my mother to have done
what she did—she was a nurse and then a
Head Start teacher—is phenomenal. We
never wanted for anything. We were
always clean and Christmas was always
fun. [Pauses] I'm realizing now as we're
talking that maybe what I thought was
her distance was simply her taking needed
space for her time and private thoughts.
PLAYBOY: You've apparently resisted or
(continued on page 154)

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

errantes]
TAME

on
By ROBERT SILVERBERG

what i sell is freedom, hope, a
nev life. there's one risk—
sometimes i don't deliver

EY SIXTEEN, Housing Omicron
Kappa, aleph sub-one,” I said
to the software on duty at the
Alhambra gate of the Los

Angeles Wall

Software isn't generally suspicious.

"This wasn't even very smart software. It

was working off some great biochips—I

could feel them jigging and pulsing as the
electron stream flowed through them—
but the software itself was just a kludge.

Typical gatekeeper stuff.

I stood ing as the picoseconds went
ticking away by the millions.

“Name, please,” the gatekeeper said
finally.

“John Doe. Beta Pi Upsilon, ten-four-
three-two-four-X.”

The gate opened. 1 walked into Los

Angeles.

As easy as Beta Pi.

б

"The wall that encircles L.A. is 100, 150
feet thick. Its gates are more like tunnels

Vhen you consider that the wall runs
completely around the L.A. basin, from
the San Gabriel Valley to the San Fer-
nando Valley and then over the mountains
and down the coast and back the far side
past Long Beach, and that it's at least 60
feet high and all that distance deep, you
can begin to appreciate the mass of it.
"Think of the phenomenal expenditure cf
human energy that went into building i
muscle and sweat, sweat and muscle. I
think about that a lot,

I suppose the walls around our cities
were put there mostly as symbols. They

ILLUSTRATION BY WILSON MCLEAN

PLAYBOY

highlight the distinction between city and
Countryside, between citizen and un-
citizen, between control and chaos, just as
city walls did 5000 years ago. But mainly
they serve to remind us that we are all
slaves nowadays. You can’t ignore the
walls. You can't pretend they aren't there.
We made you build us, is what they say, and.
don't you ever forget that. All the same,
Chicago doesn't have a wall 60 feet high
and 150 fect thick. Houston doesn't. Phoe-
nix doesn't. They make do with less. But
L.A. is the main city. I suppose the Los
Angeles Wall is a statement: J am the Big
Cheese. I am the Ham What Am.

"The walls aren't there because the Enti-
ties are afraid of attack. They know how
invulnerable they arc. We know it, too.
They just want to decorate their capital
with something a little special. What the
hell; it isn’t their sweat that goes into
bi ing the walls. It's ours. Not minc
personally, of course. But ours.

I saw a few Entities walking around just
inside the wall, preoccupied, as usual,
with God knows what and paying no
attention to the humans in the vicinity.
These were low-caste ones, the kind with
the luminous orange spots along thcir
sides. I gave them plenty of room. They
have a way sometimes of picking a human
up with those long elastic tongues, like a
frog snapping up a fly, and letting him
dangle in mid-air while they study him
with those saucer-sized yellow eyes. 1
don’t care for that. You don’t get hurt, but
it isn't agreeable to be dangled in mid-air
by something that looks like a 15-foot
purple squid standing on the tips of its
tentacles. Happened to me once in St
Louis, long ago, and lm in no hurry to
have it happen again.

The first thing 1 did when I was inside
L.A. was find a car. On Valley Boulevard
about two blocks in from the wall I saw a
*31 Toshiba El Dorado that looked good to
me, and I matched frequencies with its.
lock and slipped inside and took about 90
seconds to reprogram its drive control to
my personal metabolic cues. The previous
owner must have been fat as a hippo and
probably diabetic: Her glycogen index
was absurd and her phosphines were wild.

Not a bad car—a little slow in the shift,
but what can you expect, considering the
last time any cars were manufactured on
this planet was the year 2034?

“Pershing Square,” I told it.

It had nice capacity, maybe 60 mega-
bytes. It turned south right away and
found the old freeway and drove off
toward downtown. I figured Га set up
shop in the middle of things, work two or
three pardons to keep my edge sharp, get
myself a hotel room, a meal, maybe hire
some companionship. And then think
about the next move. It was winter, a nice
time to be in L.A. That golden sun, those
warm breezes coming down the canyons.

1 hadn't been out on the Coast in years.

Working Florida mainly, Texas, some-
times Arizona. I hate the cold. I hadn't
been in L.A. since 36. A long time to stay
away, but maybe I'd been staying away
deliberately. I wasn't sure. That last L.A.
trip had left bad-tasting memories. There
had been a woman who wanted a pardon
and I sold her a stiff. You have to stiff the
customers now and then or else you start
looking too good, which can be danger-
‘ous; but she was young and pretty and full
of hope, and I could have stifled the next
one instead of her, only I didn’t. Some-
times I've felt bad, thinking back over
that. Maybe that’s what had kept me away
from L.A. all this time.

A couple of miles east of the big down-
town interchange, traffic began backing
up. Maybe an accident ahead, maybe a
roadblock. I told the Toshiba to get off the
freeway.

Slipping through roadblocks is scary
and calls for a lot of hard work. 1 knew
that ] probably could fool any kind of soft-
ware at a roadblock and certainly any
human cop, but why bother if you don’t
have to?

I asked the car where I was.

The screen lit up. ALAMEDA NEAR BANNING,
it said. A long walk to Pershing Square. I
had the car drop me at Spring Strect.
“Pick me up at eighteen-thirty hours,”
I told it. “Corner of—umm—Sixth
and Hill" It went away to park itsclf
and | headed for the square to peddle
some pardons.

.

It isn't hard for a good pardoner to find
buyers. You can sce it in their eyes: the
tightly controlled anger, the smoldering
resentment. And something else, some-
thing intangible, a certain sense of having
a shred or two of inner integrity left that
tells you right away, Here's somebody.
willing to risk a lot to regain some meas-
ure of freedom. I was in business within 15
minutes.

The first one was an aging-surfer sort,
barrel chest and that sun-bleached look.
The Entities haven't allowed surfing for
ten, 15 years—they've got their plankton
seines just offshore from Santa Barbara to
San Diego, gulping in the marine nutri-
ents they have to have, and any beach boy
who tried to take a whack at the waves out
there would be chewed right up. But this
guy must have been one hell of a per-
former in his day. The way he moved
through the park, making little balancing
moves as if he needed to compensate for
the irregularities of the carth's rotation,
you could see how he would have been in
the water. Sat down next to me, began
working on his lunch. Thick forcarms,
gnarled hands. A wall laborer. Muscles
in his checks: the anger forever
just below boil.
talking after a while. A surfer,
the faraway and gone. He
began sighing to me about legendary

beaches where the waves were tubes and
they came pumping end to end. “Trestle
Beach," he murmured. “That's north of
San Onofre. You used to sneak through
Camp Pendleton. Sometimes the Marines
would open fire, just warning shots. Or
Hollister Ranch, up by Santa Barbara”
His blue eyes got misty. "Huntington
Beach. Oxnard. 1 got everywhere, man.”
He flexed his huge fingers. "Now these
fucking Entity hodads own the shore. Can
you believe it? They own it. And Pm pull-
ing wall, my second time around, seven
days a week next ten years.”

“Ten?” I said. “That’s a shitty deal.”

“You know anyone who doesn’t have a
shitty deal?”

“Some,” I said. “They buy out.”

“Yeah.”

“It can be done.”

A careful look. You never know who
might be a borgmann. Those stinking col-
laborators are everywhere.

“Сап и?”

“All it takes is money,” I said.

“And a pardoner.”

“That's right.”

“One you can trust.”

I shrugged. "You've got to go on faith,
man."

“Yeah,” he said. Then, after a while: “I
heard of a guy, he bought a threc-ycar
pardon and wall passage thrown in. Went
up north, caught a krill trawler, wound up
in Australia, on the Reef. Nobody's ever
going to find him there. He's out of the
system. Right out of the fucking system.
What do you think that cost?"

“About twenty grand,” I said.

“Hey, that's a sharp guess!"

“No guess."

“Oh?” Another careful look. “You don't
sound local.”

“Dm not. Just visiting.

“That's still the price? Twenty grand?"

“1 can't do anything about supplying
krill trawlers, You'd be on your own once
you were outside the wall.”

“Twenty grand just to get through the
wall?”

“And a seven-year labor exemption.”

“1 pulled ten,” he said.

“I can't get you ten. It's not in the con-
figuration, you follow? But seven would
work. You could get so far, in scven, that
they'd lose you. You could goddamn swim
to Australia. Come in low, below Sydney,
no seines there.”

“You know a hell of a lot.”

“My business to know,” I said. “You
want me to run an asset check on you?"

“I'm worth seventeen five. Fifteen hun-
dred real, the rest collat. What can I get
for seventeen five?”

“Just what I said. Through the wall
and seven years’ exem

“A bargain rate, hey?

“I take what 1 can get,” I said. “Give
me your wrist. And don’t worry. This part

(continued on page 143)

"That? Oh, that's just a little idea I had for a snack food!”

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a "amem time ago
mcgruder made a bad
mistake. no way he
would do that again

fiction
BY MICHAEL BISHOP

AL, the telephone rang at dinnertime.
From their places around the table, Polly
and the kids gave McGruder pleading
looks that meant “Please don’t answer it
for once, just let the damned thing ring."

As usual, McGruder ignored their silent
pleas and picked up the phone.

"Did I catch you at dinner?" Harry
Profitt’s reedy voice wanted to know
“Тоо bad. But at least you got somebody
to make it for you, don't you, Stork? Me, I
eat out of tin cans or fry up cheap fo
for myself. And you know whose lous:
goddamn fault that is, don't you? Don't
you, Stork-O?"

“You're never going to let me forget,
Harry."

“Damned straight I’m not. Why should
I? You ruined my life, you bastard. You've
got a wife and kids. You're а big-shot
ranger out at the state preserve. You wear
a uniform and swagger around. Me, I got
nobody. I got no position. The birds fly
over—sometimes I can't half tell them
from tatters of smoke or cloud. And it all
goes back to you, doesn’t it, Mason? For-
give me—I mean, Stork the Dork.”

McGruder took it. He took it every time
One-Eyed Harry Profitt called. Still guilt-
ridden after 30 years, he could find no easy
way to lay the specter of his culpabi

As a tall, skinny 13-year-old, Ma
“Stork” McGruder had shot the fateful
BB. [t had been a bitter-cold December
day and the bovs had all worn thermal

PLAYBOY

72

parkas or heavy coats. The idea had been
to score war-game points by making their
BBs go kerthunk! in the folds of their ene-
mies' winter clothes. Harry had lost one
eye, and an infection had settled in the
other, heaping even more guilt on the
young McGruder.

So, 30 years later, he answered the
phone every time it rang and resignedly
took Harry's abuse. Tonight, after endur-
ing a good five minutes of it, he said,
“Harry, i's time you shut up about all
that and did something with the days
you've got left.”

“Like what?" Harry railed. “A job? I
can't see worth a mole's butt. And I get
dizzy spells. They grab me when I’m not
expecting them. If it wasn't for my Social
Security, I couldn't keep body and soul
together." McGruder knew that this was
true. Harry spent some of his money on
birdsecd— watching birds was just about
his only healthy recreation— but a hell of
a lot more of it on cheap bitter beer in
long-necked amber bottles.

But at last, Harry was tiring. “Damn
you to very hell, Stork!” he concluded, as
he usually did, and slammed his handset
down with such force that the tiny bones
in McGruder’s inner car began to vibrate.
Polly looked across the dinner table at him
with reproach in her eyes.

.

One morning, slurping a mug of luke-
warm instant coffee on the top step of his
tumble-down back stairs, Harry Profitt
thought he saw something moving in the
weeds at the far edge of his yard. He had
to squint, one-eyed, to bring this living
object into focus, but the focus he got
made it hard to see much except a
cushion-sized white torso floating above
two spindly black legs. A serpentine neck,
also white, coiled up from the torso, and
atop the neck was a narrow head with a
feathery crest pointing one way and a
daggerlike beak the other.

“A snowy egre” Harry muttered.
“What's it doing in my back yard?”

Usually, like herons and ibises, the
egrets just flew over—long-legged tatters
of soiled silk on the china-bluc sky, wing-
ing inland to their rookeries. Never, in
Harry's experience, had any of these birds
dropped down to scout the weedy terrain
of his two-bit barony. Now, though, the
realization that one of the graceful egrets
had landed on it truly fretted him. About
50 yards away, after all, lived a pair of
tigerish toms who, when it came to bird-
ing, took no prisoners. They were too thin
and impatient to toy with their victims.
Already this summer, Profitt had seen
them butcher a mockingbird, three brown
thrashers, four robins and a couple of blue
jays. Pecan trees full of squawking rela-
tives couldn’t keep those toms at bay, and
Profitt himself was too achy and slow to
scare the bloodthirsty critters off.

“Egret, they'll catch you,” he said,

squinting at the small, long-legged bird
stepping daintily through the weeds.
“If you're hurt, you're doomed.”

He set down his mug and went to see
what he could do.

Shuffling to keep from pitching head-
long into the ratty bushes marking his
yard’s far boundary, Profitt stalked the
egret. (It was definitely an cgret.) The
bird, prissily high-stepping, eluded him,
but without panicking or trying to fly. It
couldn't fly, the man decided; something
had happened to one of its wings. So their
pointless do-si-do continued, the long-
legged bird moving to escape Profitt as the
half-blind man reached out lurchingly to
hug nothing but egretless air.

“To hell with this!” Profitt shouted. He
straightened, turned his back on the bird
and limped back to the house. Once
inside, he thought, Only a real son of a
bitch would leave an egret out there to
fend for itself with those damned toms
around.

Finally, it came to him to telephone
Stork McGruder and ask him how best to
handle a downed bird of this sort. Even if
it meant calling the joker for some other
reason than to remind him of how
McGruder'd ruined his life, he'd do it to
save the egret.

Profitt dialed the number of the ranger
station at the preserve and asked for
McGruder. A woman on the other end
told him that the ranger hadn’t reported
today, that he’d come down with a virus.
Great. Profitt could inconvenience buddy
boy Stork and do something for the
downed egret at the same time.

Profitt dialed again. Polly McGruder
answered. She told him angrily that
Mason could not come listen to his abuse.

“Tm so sorry to hear that,” Profitt said.
“But this is urgent enough to get poor
Mason up. Tell him who's calling.”

“Good day!” Polly McGruder said, and
Profitt knew that she was getting ready to
hang up with one of his own receiver
slams—when McGruder himself inter-
vened to take the phone from her.

“What is it this morning?” the ranger
asked, and he did sound weak.

Profitt, pretty clearly to the ranger's
surprise, told Stork about the snowy egret
in his yard. He asked McGruder's advice.
He wondered if someone couldn't come
out to his house and get the poor bird
before those damned marauding cats

"You've got to do it," MeGruder said,
warming to a problem that for once hı
nothing to do with a 30-ycar grudge. “Li
ten, Harry, you've got to go out there and
fetch in the egret.”

“Damn it, I've tried. Um better than
half blind, as you damn well know, and
that sucker, hurt like he is, dances away
from me every time I try to grab him."

“You got any meat in the house

“No filet mignon, Stork. No
tenderized beef.”

“Some hamburger? A can of sardi
maybe?”

“Well, I've got some raw bacon that's
just about gone bad on me. That the sort
of thing you're looking for?"

“vll do, Harry, it'll do. Take a strip of
it and sort of duck-walk out there, holding
in your finger tips. Your egret’s probably
hungry. Somebody's shot it or something,
and it's been tiptoeing around your back
yard looking for victuals. If you go out
there and feed it, you'll be able to grab it
while it's lifting up its head to swallow
your little peace offering."

"What do [ do once the
hand?"

"Carry it inside, Harry. You've got to
get it out of the yard. Snowy egrets re val-
uable birds, and they're legally protected,
but those cats over your way don't know
that and probably wouldn't care even if
they did. ГЇЇ call the preserve and tell
"em to send somebody over to take cus-
тоду of the egret.”

Profitt cradled the handset with mock-
ing gentleness, found a strip of nearly ran-
cid bacon in his refrigerator and went
down the back steps, squinting out into his
lot for some sign of the egret. Ah, there it
was. With the greasy bacon extended as
bait, Profitt hunkered and began duck-
walking awkwardly toward the bird. The
hungry egret scented the bacon and began
stepping gingerly toward the strange onc-
eyed man approaching it.

б

bird's in

McGruder, exhausted, slumped to the
couch beside the telephone stand. Hc was
grimacing; but in his grimace, his
thought, was something disturbingly akin
to a smile.

“What is it?" she asked him. “You fecl-
ing sick again?"

“Much better, Polly. Much better. I
might as well be hung for a hit man asa
horse thief, hadn't 1?”

“T don't understand.”

“He'll never stop calling.”

“He would if you wouldn't listen to
him, Mason.”

“I have to listen to him. I put out the
crackpot's сус. I deserve to hear what he
tells me. Some of it, anyway.”

“That's foolishness, Mason.”

“Well, from now on, itll be c
take—a whole hell of a lot casi:

“What're you talking about?

“Its instinct, Polly. It's biologically
dictated egret behavior from years and
years back."

“Do you still have a fever? You're not
making sense."

“They go for the eyes; that’s all I'm say-
ing. They take their daggerlike beaks and
go straight for the glistening сус.”

It took about an hour for the phone to
begin ringing again, but when it did, McGru-
der insisted on answering it himself.

“I think it’s cute! Just what а condom jingle should be!”

J ENILEE

a high-flying valley girl makes it big in hollywood

er first boyfriend, a Valley hunk with a weakness for beauty-pageant

contestants, dumped her for Miss Northridge. “I sulked for two
months," says Jenilee Harrison. “Then | decided he was going to regret it.”
Today, somewhere, he does. Jenilee, determined to outshine Miss Northridge,
became a beauty queen herself, winning titles that ranged from Miss San Fer-
nando Valley to Miss Young America. Beauty-pageant laurels led to TV commer-
cials and a stint with the Embraceable Ewes (пом more prosaically known as the

L.A. Rams cheerleaders). Next came several seasons as “clumsy Cindy" on the

hit sitcom Three’s Company—Jenilee replaced Suzanne Somers after Somers"
bitter contract dispute with the show's producers. Next came a role as a hooker П
with a golden heart їп the James Garner vehicle Tank. Next came South Fork.
Jenilee’s performance on Dallas as the smart, tough oil girl Jamie Ewing Barnes
made her something of a star. Now comes Jenilee Harrison, 27, formerly Miss
Young America, formerly the most embraceable Ewe of all, formerly clumsy Cindy
and tough Jamie. Currently successful, sensational, happy—and all on her own

terms. When Jenilee sets her mind to something, something definitely happens.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

American icons: On "Dallas," Jenilee played Jamie Ewing Barnes, a feisty gal
with a handsome brother (Dack Rambo) and a conniving cousin named J.R.
On a 1978 Kellogg's Corn Flakes box, she stood for other traditional values.

I ust how sexy is Jenilee? "Very, very! Cindy on Three's Company was
sweet and funny," she says, reflecting on her wholesome image.
“Jamie Ewing was kind of a tomboy. I hope people thought Jamie was pretty, but
she wasn't particularly feminine. Jenilee Harrison is an extremely sexual person.
I feel sexy eating lunch! Sex is a crucial part of life and a crucial part of me, too.”

Sexy is as sexy does—while reigning as the University of Southern California's oh-so-whole-
some Sweetheart of Sigma Chi, Jenilee flaunted it for football fans as one of the Rams’ cheerleaders.

er work address is Hollywood, but she lives in quiet Long Beach. “I
don't do the Hollywood scene,” she says. “Jenilee at home is sweats
and no make-up— not too glamorous. Don't get me wrong, though. I’m no hermit.
I hit the beach in my string bikini. 1 like to flaunt it as much as anyone. That's why
f did Praveov. I’m proud of it. | don't think you can get much sexier than PLAYBOY.”

Jenilee runs, bikes, windsurfs and (the best exercise of all) baby-sits lor three nieces, “Kyla,
Shantelle and Amanda —they re beautiful," she says. All three would love to grow up as fit as their aunt.

he's beautiful. She's sensuous. She's perhaps the most famous baby sit-
ter оп the West Coast. And she's her own boss. “I call my own shots,”
Jenilee says. “| work hard, and I’m not intimidated by anyone. I think I’ve done damn
well, but I still have a dream. It’s not to win an Academy Award but just, some-

day, to have everyone say, That Jenilee Harrison, she's a hell of an actress.’”

"Three's Company" gave Jenilee the chance to join a hit show with a popular veteran cast that.
included familiar faces Richard Kline, Don Knotts, Priscilla Barnes, John Ritter and Joyce DeWitt.

ч

NN
NS
NS

N

The zirconia
diamond's
just $39.95.
The knife
set's $9.95.
It's the big
shill. Ws...
HOME
SHOPPING

By Bill Zehme RALPH KRAMDEN, a bus driver from Brooklyn, was
the father of TV home shopping. He called it Better Living Through
Television and hatched a portentous scheme from which an
unstoppable movement has followed. For $200, he had acquired
2000 Handy Houscwife Helpers, gizmos that could core apples,
open cans, pop corks, cut glass, remove corns, scale fish and dou-
ble as screwdrivers. Certain that he could liquidate them at one
dollar apiece, he blustered his way onto live television as the self-
proclaimed Chef of the Future and, abetted by a sewer-worker
friend, attempted to demonstrate—zip, zip, zip—the item's

miraculous versatility. Viewers were (continued overleaf)

PRIME TIME FOR

ELLEVISION

Get the
low-down

on no-
down. Find
success and
salvation.
Tune in

to the...
FINANCIAL
EVANGELISTS

By Jerry Stahl ı DON'T KNOW about you, but when I dream
about success, I dream about . . . Art Fleming.

Yeah! Ages before B-lounge hair-and-teethers like Pat Sajak
and John Davidson started taking over game shows, Art carved a
niche for himself in America's heart at the helm of Jeopardy!,
charming contestants and audience alike with the swarthy verve
he brought to even the blandest transactions (“It’s ‘Presidents’
Birthmarks' for ten dollarsl").

"This stint of network stardom might havc satisficd any other
game-show host. But Art's not just any host. In fact, he's not on

any game show, either. No. Right now, (continued overleaf)

83

entreated to place orders immediately.

“The phone number to call in New York is
BEnsonhurst 5-6832!” urged the sewer
worker. “Hurry, hurry. Don't get shut
out!” Presumably, after the Chef of
the Future had hacked his fingers

to fleshy nubs, sales were spotty at
best. Still, there was an admirable
sort of earnest innocence in the
presentation.

Better Living Through Television has,
in the 32 years since, lost its innocence. It
is flat-out cathode-ray commerce: omniv-
orous, omnipresent consumerism staged
with the urgency of a discasc-of-the-weck
telethon, dressed in — pscudo-Vegas
schmaltz and pitched with dulcet-d.j.
hubba. We're talking 24-hour programing

devoted exclusively (continued on page 134)

evangelists .......
weirdly enough, four а.м. Sunday morning
on the USA Network (home of so many
great bait-'n’-tackle shows), Art's briefing
unseen legions of baffled, channel-hopping
insomniacs on The Keys to Success, a show
designed to teach those who tune in how
to be happy, how to
be successful, how to
be—look, Mal— just
like him.
Listen: “In the

next 30 minutes,”

says Fleming, look-
ing beefier than he
did in his game-show days but twice as
dapper in his Big Bill suit, with matching

Windsor and hanky puffed out of the

breast pocket, (continued on page 56)

AISING
THE TUBE
STAKES

gold mines

By William Marsano

Pity the purists. They punched Top Gun into
the VCR and couched back to watch the
world's best-trained combat pilots fly the
world's best interceptor aircraft. Then, out of
the blue, as it were, came a commercial for Diet
Pepsi. Tsk. Those caught off guard just hadn't
been watching their market-place radar. Para-
mount and Pepsi had ballyhooed the cassette of
Top Gun, 1986's box-office champ, in ads and
promotions on an unprecedented scale—about
$8,000,000 worth of publicity.

The jump in tube stakes should surprise no
one. Where viewers go, advertisers follow—and
cable and VCRs have plundered a hefty audi-
ence from network television. Creeping sponsor-
ship began with the video version of Eat fo Win,
by Robert Haas, the sports nutritionist who
taught Martina Navratilova how to have oppo-
nents for breakfast. To defray costs, the produc-
ers, Karl-Lorimar Home Video, pulled off a
tie-in scheme with the Red Lobster restaurant
chain whereby Red Lobster coughed up some
bucks because Haas, on tape, recommended
what Red Lobster serves: seafood.

Since then, other how-to tapes have slipped
in not-so-sly endorsements to help foot costs
and bump profits. When racing champion
Jackie Stewart made a video on safe driving,
Ford cheerfully provided the cars. Sexpot golfer
Jan Stephenson's How to Golf tape features
clubs and balls from Dunlop. The video of The
Mr. Boston Official Video Bartender's Guide not
only tells tyros how to mix civilized drinks but
shows how it's done by professionals at noted
saloons from Boston to Hawaii.

But plugs were just the warm-up. Indeed, the
logical next step is already here: taped catalogs,
or “videologs,” that sell via VCR. Who, after
all, wants a dull two-dimensional lingerie mail-
er when you can actually watch Dress to Thrill
($9.90), a 17-minute tape of silk bustiers and lacy
G strings sold by Fashion Video of Garland,
"Texas? Sizes, prices and other details accom-
pany every garment displayed; just dial the
24-hour toll-free number. Or sample the more
blatantly erotic Mellow Mail lingerie videolog,
which aims at prurience rather than purchases
(thus the price: $22.95). It stars four knockouts
posing in scanties while a director yells instruc-
tions and encouragement ("Ver-ec pow-fool
pose, ver-ee sex-ee!”). At the end of the tape,
cach outfit — Tigress Ecstasy, Jungle Teddy—is
reprised with a 24-hour phone number.

Nonintimate items are available from outfits
such as Brooklyn's Videologue, with its broad
product range of health/fitness items, toys, gifts
and electronics. Videologue's Marty Alter says
demonstrability is critical in selecting products.
“We have an alarm clock that wakes you by
stamping its feet—you can’t show that in print.
People see a rowing machine and think all you
can do with it is row. The vidco shows the other
exercises you can do."

Tapes arc even selling houses. Schlott Real-
tors of New Jersey has a Special Properties video
of houses listed at $750,000 and up (way up—to
$2,500,000). "The video costs $14.95," says
У.Р. Bob Natiello, “to discourage decorators
crounging ideas and voyeurs of the rich but not

If he wants a vacation instead of a house,
there's Fodor's Travel Guides on tape ($29.95
each, sponsored by VISA). Or consider Air
France's loaner cassettes, which cover its tour
packages in detail. “We take you right into the
hotel rooms.” says advertising manager John
Bowling, “even into the bathrooms. Some of our
tours are budget packages, and Americans tend
to be squeamish about less expensive hotels.”

There's even a video magazine on video tape:
OverView, published by ex-Monkee Michael
Nesmith, which has been tested in five cities
and could go national this summer. It’s a
monthly 90-minute tapezine (vidzine? magvid?)
on movies and music videos that includes com-
mercials for CBS/Fox videos, Dentvne and the
secretary's pal, Liquid Paper (invented, as it
happens, by Nesmith's mom).

What it all means is that sponsors get cheap
ads and distributors get higher sales and lower
costs. What do viewers get? A break. So far,
most sponsorship is subtle, with few blatant
pitches—and the ads or plugs bring down
prices. Sponsored aerobics videos and how-to
tapes, for instance, are cheaper to buy, and
movie prices could fall, too. Currently, only
Paramount Home Video prices major movies to
sell (829.95) rather than rent, and Diet Pepsi's
ad cut Top Сип price by three dollars, to
$26.95. Commercials could force other distribu-
tors to abandon the $80-$100 range. Savings-
conscious VCR owners may even begin to
demand commercials, especially if they're as
easy to swallow as the 60-second spot in Top
Gun, about a hot-shot jet jock who packs Diet
Pepsi on every flight.

Figure it this way: À one-minute commercial
worth three dollars means savings at the rate of
$180 an hour. A lot of VCR owners may say,
“ГИ buy that.”

Sheer salesmanship: On tape, what you
see is what you'll get.

PLAYBOY

“we'll investigate whether true opportun-
ity still exists in this country today. Our docu-
mentary cameras have visited experts,
authors, entrepreneurs and millionaires
from all walks of life, and the overwhelm-
ing consensus is that anyone can be per-
sonally successful . . . now! During this half
hour, we'll present specific how-to facts,
plans and information that you can begin
using for your own personal success!”

Finally! My own personal success! After
decades of doing nothing but entertaining,
coughing up the same old soggy dramas
and sitcoms, my Motorola's going to take
me by the hand and lead me up the Lad-
der of Financial Happiness and Personal
Fulfillment. And not a moment too soon!

‘Tapping a heretofore ignored branch of
the viewing public—People Who Stay Up
Late and Need Money—hosts like Art
and his ilk are clogging the cable box with
a whole new breed of programing: TV
that’s good for you. TV you need! TV that
wants to help you get rich in real estate! Go
for your dreams! Develop a miracle memory,
snag the low-down on no-down and, if
there’s still time, join lottery busters and
make millions at Government auctions!

If you're still driving a Pinto after all
this, you may as well just wrap your lips
around the muzzle and fire.

But not yet. There’s help. Lots of help.
Just when the wholesome thrill of the Rev-
erend Ernest Angley and friends scream-
ing “Heal!” in strangers’ faces begins to
pall and the narcotic drone of the shop-
ping shows has made long-term viewing
all but unendurable, the flood of Financial
Evangelists—and the human-potential
spin-offs evolving from them—has sprung
up to fill the void, to help keep high-
production grotesqueries on the air for
those whose lives are empty without them.

.

It's TV for the wuly jaded. Hefty blocks
of cut-rate TV time purchased by success-
ful guys and gals who could just as easily
be lolling on the Riviera or snapping up
Rembrandts as peddling through-the-mail
success cassettes. They just do it because
they want us to be as happy and fulfilled
as they are. That's why they buy up time
on the USA, Lifetime, Nashville, Tempo
networks, any of the many also-rans in the
cable feld, or scoop up off hours on
smaller local stations to spread the Gospel
of E-Z money to those less fortunate.

Imagine! They don't want people who
have money. They want people who want
it. Not just folks who need to know a few
things about foreclosures, either, but those
of us who are emotionally blocked, who
could be successes and would be, darn it,
were it not for that worm of doubt, that
psychic grub in the ego, that keeps us from
reaching our full potential. And if they
have to run the same show twice a week
every week for 52 weeks to reach us, then,

by God, they'll do it.

"That's how much they want to help!

Look at Art Fleming. He wants to help.
by introducing Mary Kay Ash, a waxen,
browless little woman, with all the charm.
of a recently embalmed Rona Barrett.
"That's exactly how she should look, for, as
Art reminds us, she made her millions in
make-up. "Mary Kay Ash started out,”
says our guide, “selling sponges and scrub.
brushes in people's homes, and today has
sales in excess of $300,000,000.”

The point, of course, is that if he really
wanted to, the eager viewer could buy his
way from spongedom to Shangri-la. All it
takes—give or take the cost of shipping —
is $149, which gets the lucky go-getter six
hours of cassettes, a “home-study” course
on Investment Property with No Money
Down, a pamphlet on Writing Buyer's
Offers, a collection of real-estate legal
forms and, just "cause the folks in charge
are feelin’ Seven-Up, a free copy of More
Money in Your Pocket, by the bona fide pro
who's actually shelling out for this eve-
ning's extravaganza: Carleton Sheets, self-
made millionaire.

First comes a handful of stirring tributes
to rags-to-richers such as Wally Amos, of
Famous Amos cookie fame, and Hawaiian
Tropic honcho Ron Rice, a former $4000-
a-year high school chemistry teacher
turned millionaire tan-in-a-bottle king.
And then we cut to Carleton, who's really:
the star of the show.

It’s true. Art just can't say enough
about Mr. Sheets, seen lounging on the
prow ofa docked yacht as though his deck
chair had been lowered by a chopper. A
lanky old boy from Delray Beach, Florida,
Sheets boasts the absolute ne plus ultra of
TV moncy-management credentials. As
Brother Art narrates: “He began investing
in real estate shortly after he was fired
from a dead-end sales job.”

Since then, Carleton's gone on to do
more than “$19,000,000” worth of real
estate. The implication is that Mary Kay
and Amos got where they are by mailing in
$149, but that’s not important. It's the
dead-end stuff we want to hear about.
That's the adjective with our name on it—
why else would we be up at four AM,
gawking at this jim-jim when we should be
knee-deep in R.E.M. sleep and dreaming
of Ginnic Macs?

No, it’s the humble roots that hit
home—and Art knows it. Humble roots
are the ticket in video Successville. That's
why Carleton marches Ken Chlopecki in
front of the audience at his on-air seminar.
Ken, you Midwesterners may recall, was
the fellow who met what's come to be
known as the Chicago Sun-Times Chal-
lenge. In a full-page ad, Carleton claimed
he could train anybody to snap up a rental
property with no money down—in one
day! And Ken, a humble Chi-town
machine-shop inspector, is the everyman
Carleton took under his fiscal wing.

What a saga! Ken got his slice of
the pie—a town house in suburban
Bolingbrook, Illinois. And he’s such an
honest example of Regular Guy—hood, the
kind of blue-collar towhead likely to snap
a towel in a Miller Lite ad, you want it to
be true. You want Ken to discover a sec-
ond income, to be happy. Otherwise—
who knows?—his marriage may go sour;
20 years from now, he may look just like
Karl Malden or, worse yet, George Shultz.

On Keys, happily, Ken talks about how
wonderfully the Sheets system worked for
him. Only later do we learn, thanks to
those meddling skeptics from the media,
that Mr. Machine Shop admits that he
still hasn’t rented the place—not exactly a
good omen, cash flow-wise—and has
tried ten times since to scoop up other
property, with nary a nibble.

But who's quibbling? It's not that any-
body thinks that these TV academies
share their faculties with the Wharton
School of Finance and Commerce. What's
really important is that these fiscal wizards
pump out some riveting TV. Indced. For
connoisseurs of the edgy, can’t-believe-
what-you're-seeing — middle-of-the-night
weirdness, the two or three dozen self
help extravaganzas now running—and
rerunning—in the furthest reaches of your
weekly listings may help some devotees
recall that peak moment when they first
spotted Peter Popoff, SCTV or Mister Rog-
ers' Neighborhood on mushrooms.

Now, that’s quality television.

е

“After birth, death is inevitable. Every-
thing else is negotiable!”

“That's the stirring, true-blue Ameri-
can motto of Tony Hoffman, whose
Everybody's Money Matters launched a new
epoch in monetary talk shows. Mr. T.,
who got his start as a lecturer for get-rich-
quick pioneer Al Lowry (Tony has even
published his own classic in the genre,
How to Negotiate Successfully in Real
Estate), hatched the supremely well-timed
idea of hosting a show where other mas-
ters of Finance from Scratch could hop on
board and hock their wares.

As Lyndon Parker, recently recruited
president of National Superstar Inc.,
Hoffman's parent organization, artfully
explains, “After the carly days, Tony was
thc first rcal innovator. Hc rcalized there
were lots of people in the world who did
something, who had things to talk about,
whether it was real estate, raising your
L.Q."—always a big concern among late-
night cable fans— "expanding your mem-
ory or whatever. He got 'em packaged and
got ‘em on the air on his own show.”

The E.M.M. set, your basic K mart
Goes Conversational, features a desk
shaped like a flying V. On the right hun-
kers Tony, whose silvery spit curls, glossy
canines and sloping shoulders somehow
lend him the éclat of a happy mole.

(continued on page 126)

“I suppose it was bound to come to this."

N
NI
i
NI

IE

2%

an illustrated history by gerald gardner

You're on your
own, Ron.

‚get out from under this sofa.

=

Me? I was
out of town.

They say they -
were overcharged
on the missiles.

You take some hostages,
then what? „u
47

The terroriste
released a dog?

Have you
burned the
tapes?

When I open my
eyes, it will
all be over.

E REAL
meet sandy greenberg,
the woman behind
the legend of
maxine legroom

“I like expressive, meaningful
body movement. My life is filled
with flamboyant and impulsive
motion. Is there calas as
much fun as motor:

As sex? I'm excited by ife

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

ORRY, guys, we
lied to you. Last January, when
PlayBoy published a pictorial on
Maxine Legroom, our Playmate of
the Minute, we allowed that she was
a computer-generated image, a fan-
tasy mate for the very popular Max
Headroom. The pictures had an
unreal quality; we were willing to
believe that no one on earth pos-
sessed such a perfect body—until
Sandy Greenberg sat down in our
office and announced that she was, in
fact, Maxine Legroom. She had just
returned from the West Coast, where
she had filmed a Maxine Legroom
rock video and comedy spots for The
Playboy Channel. Before our very
eyes, she transformed herself into a
slightly spacy child of the future, lec-
turing on condoms. "Have you ever
wondered why they are called con-
doms? Sounds like something you
buy when you can't afford a house.
And why are they called rubbers?
You aren't going out into the slush. I
prefer to call them love gloves."
Sandy is animated and very funny—
and as gorgeous in real life as Maxine
is in fantasy. She described a day in
the life of her alter ego. “They spent
eight hours putting on make-up. I
worc white contacts over cach entire
eye, blue contacts over those. It was
likc looking through a light bulb. I
had on an outfit that looked like
something Bamm Bamm on The
Flinistones would wear. Halfway
through the shooting, I asked the
camera crew to turn on some music. I
just started to dance, they filmed it
and then asked me to dance again.
They took clips and made a video
where Maxine gives advice. Her
answer to every problem is “Dance!” ”
What does the real-life lady do for
fun? "I ride. I have five BMW motor-
cycles in the garage: a white R65LS,
an orange 650, an old 6/2, a 1000
boxer with a full fairing, a K100 with
an EML sidecar. I just got back from
12 days and 3600 miles through Can-
ada by way of Door County, past

“What do I like about motorcycles? You
don't have to wait in line to have fun.

You just grab a map full of blue high-

way and ride. You can be into the bike:
you can look at scenery; you can listen

to your head. I need to be with me."

93

Niagara Falls and back to St. Louis. Last summer, I toured the Northwest, from Lake Tahoe to Grants Pass, Oregon. It's the perfect
way to travel. There's none of the verbal stuf.—no arguing, no back-seat driving, none of the stuff that gets in the way of a good time.”
Motorcycles, apart from being a passion, have been a good career move for Sandy. “I had this R65LS, called Freddie. There was one
other like it in St. Louis, in a shop window. One day it was gone, and I asked the owner what had happened. He said a photographer
was using it in a shooting. He was locking for a girl to hang off the bike. I auditioned, and the rest is visual history. I do a lot of body
modeling. My portfolio is filled with weird little shots of ankles, wrists, hands. Half of the fun of this shooting is that I get to see what

I look like." As you can observe, she looks very
good. When she's not working on a shoot, you can
find her doing supercircuits at the local health club
or running in the park. The difference between a
computer-generated fantasy and rcal flesh may be
sweat and hard work. Or passion. Vive la différence!

"This is a change of pace for me.
тлувоу is using my whole body. In St.
Louis, they just use parts for lingerie,
glove or jeuelry ads. Nine times out of
ten, if you see a navel in a St. Louis
paper, it's mine.” See what you missed?

95

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

NAME: \izahet e
BUST: DI — warss aM apes: DD
HEIGHTS 1 ero OT.

BIRTH DATE: [= 20-58 втктирілсе: Spokanle, Glesninotoy —
AMBITIONS: VO eue Financial idenenidence.

TURN-ONS: Dancing bio Cities , warm \nescheSs у
beach cops.

тин-оЕ5: Awything loud in) the спао, dict]

_*kelkepnones.

FAVORITE BOOKS: indo Rat, Parachutes 4 Misses, Arlas
C caoged

FAVORITE MUSICIANS: Coeyeais, Maunatan raster.

FAVORITE PLACE: (jcceS'bec V, Vegas, where my ocandmather
Mes.

FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Dauid \erteemen) ‚Ihe Jetsons.

DESCRIBE YOURSELF: Tm © \amboyanıt, T like a “бе of
energy , motion), eyeitemen)k , Change. Boredom

wee Kaks on my door.

me and my On, foc the Vfe
Kid Sister. oc e model.

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

А huge, Rambolike fellow walked into a tevern
and took a seat at the middle of the bar. After
downing a whiskey in one gulp, he glared at the
six men to his right and said, "You're all no-
good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem
with that?”

When no one said a word, the brawny fellow
ordered another whiskey, downed it in one gulp,
turned to the six men on his left and said,
“You're all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem
with that?”

Everybody on the left stared silently into his
drink. Suddenly, a man on the right stood up
and started walking toward the big guy. “Hey,
asshole!" the thug bellowed. “You got a problem
with what I said?”

“No problem at all,” came the reply. “I’m
just sitting at the wrong end of the bar.”

We've heard of a high-priced callgirl who enter-
tains all her clients on a water bed. They call her
the hydrocourtesan.

Ап elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean
hideaway on a chartered plane when a terrible
storm forced them to land on an uninhabited
island. When several days passed without res-
cue, the stranded couple and their pilot sank into
a despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked
her husband if he had made his usual pledge to
the United Jewish Appeal.

“We're running out of food and water and you
ask thal?” her husband barked. “If you must
know, I not only pledged a half million but Гус
already paid half of it.”

“You owe the U.J.A. a quarter million?” the
woman exclaimed euphorically. “Don't worry,
Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!”

The warden explained to the condemned man
that he could have anything he wanted for his
last meal. “Would you like lobster? Filet mignon
or beef Wellington? Maybe some caviar or
shrimp cocktail?”

“Nah, ГЇЇ just have a bowl of mushrooms,”
the prisoner said.

"Anything you want," the warden replied,
shrugging. “But why mushrooms?"

“Always been afraid to eat "ет."

Father Reilly,” the mother superior reported, “1
thought you should know that there's a case of
syphilis in the convent."
“Oh, good,” the priest
getting ured of the Chabli:

plied. “I was really

А young man and his girlfriend were walking
along Main Street when she spotted a beautiful
diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow,
T'd sure love to have that!" she gushed.

“No problem," hc said, throwing a brick
through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-
length sable coat. “What Pd give to own that,”
she said, sighing.

“No problem,” he said, throwing a brick
through the window and grabbing the coat

Finally, turning for home, they passed a car
dealership. “Boy, Га do anything for one of
those Rolls-Royces,” she said

“Jeez, baby," he moaned, “you think I'm
made of bricks?"

Members of a fox-hunting club had been
requested to take only male hounds to a chase.
One long-standing member, however, owned
only females and, out of courtesy, was permitted
to take one.

The pack of hounds was released and disap-
pcared so quickly from view that the pursuing
riders stopped to ask a farmer if he had seen
them.

“I seen ет.”

“Did you see where they went?”

“Nope,” he said. “But it was the first time I
ever seen a fox runnin’ fifth.”

Two tribesmen, depressed over recent laws for-
bidding the practice of cannibalism, were stroll-
ing though the jungle when they came upon an
abandoned archaeological dig. One noticed a
stack of rLaynovs left behind by the departed sci-
entists and began stuffing pages into his mouth.

“What are you doing?" his astonished friend
asked.

“Try it," he urged, handing over the gatefold.
“This dehydrated stuff is pretty good.”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Ill. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

"Before I can sell you this particular suit, you'll have to fill
out an environmental-impact statement."

104

PASSPORT
SMARTS

By RICHARD and JOYCE WOLKOMIR

AvE vou been longing for dappled sunlight shimmering

through island palms? For jagged white peaks soar-

ing against an alpine blue sky? For smart boulevard

cafés where people watching is an art? Ah, the

restless spirit! But be warned: The word travel has
a sobering etymology. It derives from the Middle English travailen,
meaning to toil. Worse, it is rooted in the Latin tripalium, en instru-
ment for inflicting pain. , Travel can be travail when a rental car
shudders and dies in some sun-steamed jungle outback or when
that “deluxe” suite aboard a Nile cruise ship turns out to be a
closet next to the paddle wheel. But then there’s that siren song
once more, singing of sunshine and warm blue seas, of heady aro-
mas in ancient bazaars, of sophisticated babble in smart European
nighteries—and off you go again. Here, then, are tips for travelers
who heed that call to adventure and
romance, compiled from interviews
with travel agents, tour companies,
State Department officers and vet-
eran globe-trotters. “Strong and
content | travel the open road,” said
Walt Whitman. We couldn't have
said it better.

from packing tips to
the ultimate in secluded

isles, here’s playboy’s
guide to savvy traveling

HOW TO PACK FOR AN
OVERSEAS TRIP

acking for a trip overscas is
much like packing for a
domestic journey, except that
you should include all the
amenities unavailable in Thim-
bu or Papeete: sewing kit, tiny flashlight,
plastic rain slicker foldable to handker-
chief size, extra shoelaces, extra eye-
glasses, safety pins, granola bars for
quickie meals, plastic trash bags for dirty
clothes and a plastic hanger or two (metal
ones can leave rust marks) for drying
bathroom-washed clothes. Cold-water de-
tergent and a rubber sink stopper also
come in handy; many hotel drains don’t
have built-in stoppers

Don’t forget 2 converter kit if you tote
an electric razor. (Make it a small one.)
And if you expect to take home many pur-
chases, pack a featherweight duffel bag
folded to the size of a paperback book. A
Swiss army knife is a wonderful tool for
all sorts of tasks, from peeling
fruit to repairing lug-
gage—but don't pack it in
your carry-on bag, because
in some countries it may bc
confiscated.

In Third World countries
where amenities are iffy, toilet
paper, a collapsible cup, sham-
poo and a towel are necessities —
as is a travel alarm, since wake-up
calls may be unreliable.

Take clothes you can layer on or
peel off. Travel experts at Banana
Republic, the clothing emporium, will
provide you with climate data for any
country, along with political conditions

Grand Tour: Not for those who trovel light is this
goatskin-covered steamer trunk, custom-made
in Italy, from T. Anthony, New York, $1400.

and packing tips, in a toll-free call to
1-800-325-7270 from eight лм. to five рм
Pacific time, Monday through Friday
Soft-sided bags stretch to accommodate
cramming. Obviously posh bags attract
thieves. Linings should be stitched, not
glued. Zippers should run smoothly. Han-
dles should be reinforced where they
attach to the luggage. And match your
luggage size to the length of your trip—
underpacking means wrinkled clothes.
Heavier items should go at the bottom,
fragile ones at the center; roll items such
as pajamas and sweaters to save space.
Travel light: Excess baggage charges can
vary capriciously by country. And remem-
ber this adage: Take fewer clothes than
you think you need but more moncy.

WHAT A GOOD TRAVEL
AGENT CAN—AND
CAN'T—DO FOR YOU

ta travel agency, standard

services are free. The agent

eams commissions from
carriers and hotels, not from you. When
you're agent shopping, check for mem-
bership in the American Society of Travel
Agents (A.S.T.A.) —members must meet
prolessional standards. Certified Travel.
Counselors (C.T.C.s) have passed a two-
year course in travel management, plus at
least five years’ experience. Beyond that,
choosing an agent is like choosing a doc-
tor: Word of mouth helps. Some agents
specialize in specific areas, such as the
Caribbean. Others concentrate on cruises,
‚business travel or ski trips.

Deregulation has produced a welter of
air lares. A good travel agent can search
that maze for the cheapest rate. Many
agents now issue boarding passes and seat
assignments. With airlines rampantly over-
booking, passengers with preassigned
seats are least likely to get bumped.

What a travel agent can't do is read
your mind. If you're considering a resort,
be sure the agent knows it should be, say,
a lively singles spot rather than a family

hideaway. It also is up to
you to give an agent a pre-
cise idea of how much to
spend so he or she doesn't
needlessly assemble that dream
trip to Bora Bora. Last, remember
that agencies that deal in volume
may be able to obtain rooms or dis-
counts you could never wangle
yourself.

106

WHAT TO DO IF YOU
FLY EAST AND YOUR
LUGGAGE FLIES WEST

here you stand in Budapest

or Bangkok, despondently

watching the empty bag-
gage carrousel. What do you do now? The
sure cure, of course, is prevention: Take.
only carry-on bags. If that's impossible,
make sure your carry-on contains all nec-
essary toiletries, a change of clothes, pre-
scription medicines, extra eyeglasses and
your passport.

If your luggage arrives damaged or
never arrives, report it to the airline before
you leave the airport. Make sure the agent
fills out a written form and gives you a
copy. If three days go by without your lug-
gage's materializing, use the claim form
to itemize your lost belongings. Keep pho-
tocopies of the claim forms. If you can't
get forms, send a letter to the airline,
itemizing your losses.

Be prepared: Airlines may require you
to produce receipts or olher proof that
you own the items you claimed in the lost
bags. Airlines will pay only the depreci-
ated value of lost possessions, not store
prices. Most will not cover electronic
gear, jewelry, Iragile valuables, cameras
or cash. And almost all airlines will com-
pensate you for emergency purchases
that must be made while you wait—so be
sure to ask about that.

On domestic flights, airlines are liable
up to $1250. On international flights, the
maximum liability is $9.07 per pound per
bag. You can buy extra coverage al the
ticket counter at about one dollar for every.
$100 of added coverage.

ravel is stimulating but

sometimes you sag in your

hotel room, frazzled from

tuming dollars into dinars

and fighting crowds in cathe-
drals. Here are cight ways to unjangle
your nerves.

1. Take earplugs. You don’t want to
hear unmufflered Milanese motorcycles
roaring down la strada below or the next
room's TV blasting out a sitcom in
Serbo-Croatian

2. Pack a 100-watt light bulb if you're
traveling in the United States, or get a tiny
battery-powered lamp that clips to a book
Reading in bed is a great relaxer, but
many hotel lamps have annoyingly dim
light bulbs.

3. Pack your clothes prehung on light-
weight plastic hangers. On arrival, you
can hang them in the closet without wres-
tling with the hotel's antitheft undetacha-
ble hangers, of which there will be too few,
anyway. You'll have cleverly avoided a
minor irritant.

4. Take tea. It’s an old British custom,
an hour or so off in the afternoon for
tea, scones and sweets. Or Turkish coffee,
minibagels and smoked salmon or páté on
a croissant—whatever you like. Rest your
legs and your mind. Quiet, palm-filled
lounges in old hotels arc excellent spots.

5. When making hotel reservations or
checking in, politely ask for a special

Two for Tea: The picture above is from The
London Ritz Book of Afternoon Teo, by Helen
Simpson (Arbor House), a little volume dedi-
cated to "the art and pleasures of taking tea.”

room—maybe one on the hotel’s quiet
side or with a view, or a corner room with
no noisy neighbors. You will only gain
esteem in the eyes of the hotel clerk or con-
cierge. And you just may have a more
pleasant stay.

6. Develop airport savvy. Getting lost in
an air terminal while racing to find your
connecting flight is a familiar nightmare.
The cure is The Sophisticated Traveler's
Pocket Guide to Airport Facilities and
Ground Services 1987, available from
Market Dynamics Consultants, Inc., P.O.
Box 130, Wilton, Connecticut 06897, for
$16.95, postpaid. The guide gives you air-
port maps, local transit times and costs
and cach airport's available services. It
even gives you the walking time between
the terminals at each airport.

7. Take a portable coffee brewer. Travel
specialty stores, such as The Savvy Travel-
ler at 50 East Washington, Chicago, stock
a range of coffee and tea brewers designed
to fit into a suitcase. A new Norelco model
is cylindrical, with two cups attached. It
boils water rather than just heating it—a
plus in underdeveloped countries where
the water is questionable.

8. Feet need a pickup after a day on the
streets. Try Isotoner slippers. Lightweight
and casy to pack, they improve the circu-
lation in your feet. And if you have low
arches, try Arch Doctor, a dumbbell-like
roller to revive your pedal extremities.

WHAT THE AMERICAN
CONSULATE CAN—AND
CAN'T—DO FOR YOU

any travelers are confused
about the role of U.S. consu-
lates in other countries,
which sometimes leads to
unproductive — grumpiness,
raised voices and threats to call Senators.
It is the mission of U.S. consuls to pro-
mote U.S. business interests overseas, not
to serve as tour agents, banks or nannies
lor itinerant compatriots. On the other
hand, there are services you can legally
expect from a US. consulate. They
include:

1. Legal aid. If you are arrested, ask
permission to notify the U.S. consulate. If
the police say no, keep asking, politely and
persistently. Consuls cannot pay your
legal fees, but a consular officer will visit
you, explain the local laws, help you find
an attorney and do what he can to ensure
that you are treated no worse than others.
The officer will also help you get in touch
with people back home.

2. Help with money problems. If you go.
broke because of theft, a lost wallet or mis-
calculation, the consul can tell you how to
arrange to have associates back home send
you more money. If you have lost travel-
er's checks, he or she can tell you how to
notify the issuer.

3. Help if you become injured or ill
Consuls will help you find an appropriate
doctor and report your illness to family or
friends back home.

4. Replacement of lost

passports.

CE C UA T
POLICIA -MIGRACICN|

'
L: 13 ENE 19 Э d
SALIDA jGUAYE

HOW TO PROFIT FROM
EXCHANGE RATES

eciding whether to
buy foreign cur-
rency before you
leave the U.S. or
after you arrive
abroad is like betting in a
poker game. If the dollar falls
against foreign currencies,
exchanging before you go
locks in the higher rates—
by the time you arrive,
they will have dropped.
But if the dollar goes up,
you lose. Major newspa-
pers, such as The New York -
Times, regularly publish
currency-exchange rates. How-
ever, most bankers and travel agents
agree that, generally, you get the
best deal by exchanging your money
at a bank at your destination.

Take about $100 in the local cur-
rency (available at many
U.S. banks) for arrival
expenses. But be sure to

Report a lost passport immediately to the
nearest U.S. consulate for a temporary
replacement.

5. Registration. If you are planning a
long stay or are traveling in eastern
Europe, register with the consulate. It will
facilitate help if you do have difficulties. If
you have to travel in a country with no
U.S. officials, register in an adjacent coun-
try, if possible, leaving your itinerary.

According to the Department of State,
the U.S. consulate cannot do the follow-
g: find you work, get you residence or
drivers permits, serve as interpreters,
search for missing luggage, settle disputes
with hotel managers and generally make
you comfy.

If you get into serious legal problems in
another country—and drugs are a good — |
way to wind up in the local pokey—the |
might of the United States of America in
the person of the local consul will not |
come Ramboing down upon the jail to
liberate you in a blare of rhetoric.

On foreign soil, you are subject to
foreign laws, which can be harsh.
Drug possession in most countries
these days, for example, vill get you
two to ten years in a prison that may
lack such amenities as a bed, a toi-
let, a sink and the right not to be
tortured. In some countries, such ||
as Malaysia, the penalty for drug |
possession can be death. That's a
real bummer.

-O

find out how much of it you
are allowed to take into your
destination country. Take
most of your money in traveler's
checks. Many veteran travelers take
some of those checks in foreign
denominations for easier cashing.
Major credit cards can be used
abroad—and card companies usu-
ally give good exchange rates. But
economically ailing countries often
have two exchange rates—the govern-

ment rate and the street rate, which is
better. In those countries, you can save
by paying with cash or checks, since card
transactions are figured at the less favor-
able government rate. However, street-
market exchange is often illegal.

108

SIX EXOTIC ISLANDS
NOBODY KNOWS

he ultimate peregrination,

said Robert Browning, is to

"some unsuspected isle in

far-off seas." Here are half

a dozen such getaways. On
any of them—guaranteed!—you can get
far, far away from it all.

1. Lamu: Go fast. This Arab island off
Kenya is just being discovered by travel
sophisticates. Its atmosphere is undistilled
Arabian Nights.

2. Djerba: Tunisia's island of Djerba
may be the place Homer called The Land
of the Lotus Eaters. Few Americans know
this Mediterranean Tahiti, but Europe's
lows eaters have enjoyed its sun, sand,
palms and blue waters for decades

Palmy Paradise: If it's о faraway island that
you're seeking, then consider Penang, off
Maloysia’s northwest coast. Beautiful beaches
and colonial monsians abound and, far fons
of Indiana Jones, there's even a snake temple.

3. Scilly Isles: At the English Channel's
mouth, 28 miles southwest of Lands End,
lie the Isles of Scilly, more than 100 of
them. Warmed by the Gulf Stream, the
sunny Scillies seem a hemisphere away
from England's drizzle and cold.

4. Penang: To see preskyscraper South-
cast Asia, visit Penang—“Pearl of the
Orient”—an hour's flight north of Singa-
pore, off Malaysia’s northwest coast.
Exotic temples, stately colonial mansions
and gorgeous beaches await you.

5. Rangiroa: To really get away from it
all, take the Air Polynesie island-hopper
plane from Papecte to Rangiroa. Disem-
bark on a perfect coral atoll, with a 42-
mile-long lagoon and all the sugar-white
beaches and coconut palms an escapist
could want.

6. Islas de la Bahia: To scc the Carib-
bean of 50 years ago, visit the Bay Islands,
40 miles off Honduras. Accommodations
are mostly thatched cottages. Fish, wind-
surf or laze the days away.

tart orienting yourself at
home, checking maps and
guidebooks for key sights,
local prices, the transporta-
tion system and customs.
Call tourism offices; talk with travel agents
and acquaintances who have been to the
city. When you arrive, study a detailed
map. Ask your hotel's porter or concierge
to mark on the map sites you plan to visit.
Ask how to get there and for tips on cabs,
buses and subways. Note landmarks.
Take a reconnaissance walk to get
familiar with the city’s feel and your
hotel’s neighborhood. In a non-English-
speaking country, jot down the hotel's
name and address. To fully reconnoiter
the city, even snobby loners should sign
up at the hotel for a guided tour. You'll
find some sights to skip and some to which
you'll return, and you'll get a feel for the
city’s layout. Charming local guides who
hang around the hotel's entrance may
be colorful, but you usually can get more
reliable info at a better price from a
sanctioned tour. Try to walk as much as
possible. Look for restaurants (they tend
to charge much less for meals, especially
breakfast, than hotel dining rooms). Learn
when banks, stores and restaurants are
closed. Foreign holidays and working
hours differ; and if you don't schedule

accordingly, during the Annual Remem-
brance of Our Glorious Heroes of the
Massacre of 1024 ap, you could go hun-
gry or broke. Cafés make excellent spots
to pause and replot.

Master the local currency before you do
anything that puts your fortune on the
line, such as hailing a cab. Learn at least a
few key phrases in the foreign tongue. For
example, knowing how to count from one
to ten will give you a hint of what a mer-
chant with whom you're haggling is
charging. (Guidebooks, the hotel porter or
tour guides can tell you if haggling is cus-
tomary.) Carry a pad and pen so mer-
chants can write down their price if you
don't understand what they're saying.
To lighten your load, rip out a guidcbook's
pertinent pages to carry with you.

Find out how the local telephone works,
or if it does. Make a list of addresses and
telephone numbers of any local contacts
you have, the police, hospitals, consulate
and numbers to call if you lose traveler's
checks or credit cards.

Last, walk easy and take your time. If
you have to tear through a city, you proba-
bly haven't allowed enough time for your
visit. It’s better to see a few important
attractions and soak up local color than to
master every lane and landmark, then go
away whipped.

PIE IN THE SKY

ather than brave the vagaries
of airplane feeding schedules
and menus, airline passen-
gers have taken to carrying
their own gastronomic good-
ies on board. Gourmet take-out stores,
specialty food shops, catering establish-
ments and upbeat restaurants are excel-
lent sources of airborne nibbles. The
following is a sampling of take-along fare
from cities throughout the U.S.A.

Boston: The Great Food Store is a new
carry-out venture by Monces Meddeb,
whose L’Espalier is one of Boston's top
restaurants. The store is making its mark,
too, with moist, crusty fried chicken,
homemade caponata, venison páté with
cranberries and a stunning tangerine
chocolate cake (617-536-6543).

New York: On the way to the airport,
Manhattan epicures shop at the Casual
Quilted Giraffe, scion of the fabled
Quilted Giraffe, for such delicacies as beg-
gar's purses (little bundles of fresh Beluga
caviar), confit of duck, red-onion-and-
cashew salad and lemon-pepper cake
(212-593-1221). The Ideal Cheese Shop

recommends semifirm types such as aged
gouda or double gloucester. It will gladly
chop your purchase into bite-sized pieces
to facilitate handling (212-688-7579).
Balducci’s offers airborne gourmets a
mind-boggling assortment—from anti-
pasto to dolci (212-673-2600).

Chicago: Mitchell Cobey Cuisine,
which is right down the street from our
offices, features 13 prepared take-out com-
binations. Number five, for example, is
smoked turkey and blueberry chutney on
a croissant with salad and dessert. Adven-
turous eaters may also pick caviar in crepe
bundles, phyllo cylinders stuffed with
Westphalian ham and mushrooms, pätes
and terrines, plus about two dozen wick-
edly delicious desserts (312-944-3411).

Beverly Hills: The southern California
source of food packs for planes, picnics
and the Hollywood Bowl is Jurgensen’s
(213-274-8611). Choosing from its vast
inventory of meats, cheeses and salads
isn't easy. Popular choices include smoked
turkey breast on sourdough, dressed with
homemade pepper relish.

— EMANUEL GREENBERG

Elegant Air Fare: As aeronautical brown bagging continues to gain in popularity, more epicure
'empariums, such as Chicago's Mitchell Cobey Cuisine at 100 East Walton, are offering edibles that
travel well. Below: A kiwi-ond-strowberry tort, a twa-posta salad with pine nuts, red ond black
caviar in crepe bundles tied with scallions, and smoked turkey, lettuce and cheddar an a croissant,

or several days before the
flight, get a normal night's
sleep—no wee-hour party-
ing. Have your travel agent assign your
‚seat or check in early to choose a seat you
prefer. If an international flight is delayed,
wait to clear Passport and Customs until
the new departure time is announced, to
avoid being trapped in the departure
lounge. Many seasoned travelers prefer
aisle seats, as they let you stretch and get
up easily. Bulkhead seats offer more
room, but they're often where airlines
put people traveling with children.

Emergency-exit seats offer extra room.
Shoes can weary your feet on long
flights. Many veteran travelers take travel
slippers. Flying with a head cold or aller-
gies can cause earaches. Chicago Sun-
Times columnist Dorsey Connors offers
this emergency remedy: During descents,
moisten two paper towels in hot water,
put each at the bottom of a
paper cup and hold the cups

over your ears.

For entertainment, a personal cassette

player and a collection of your favorite
tapes offer better sound than the cabin
system, and the earphones are far more
comfortable.
To fight off jet lag, the curse of the long-
distance flier, try the comprehensive diets
and regimens explained in the paperback
“Overcoming Jet Lag” (Berkley Books).
(It's also a good read to help you pass the
time while in flight.) And when all else
fails, big spender, fly first class.

RUBBERS

since 1981,
the reagan
administration
has sent
2.6 billion
condoms to
70 countries.
kind of
makes you
want to stand
up and salute

article
by
ROBERT
CORAM

IHAVE a friend in condoms.

He sells them—millions of
them. He's a major operator in
latex, which means that, given the
AIDS scare, he's sitting on top of
the most unfortunate growth mar-
ket in the world. So when my friend
speaks, I listen.

I remember a particularly inter-
esting conversation we had a cou-
ple of years ago, on the cusp of
condom mania, when he and I
were sitting in an airport bar talk-
ing rubbers. He grinned a self-
satisfied grin, then delivered a bit
of inside information calculated to
knock my hat into the creek: “The
Reagan Administration,” he said,
speaking slowly and distinctly, “is
spending $24,000,000 this year to
buy 568,000,000 condoms.”

My friend’s smile widened.
“And it's giving most of them
away.” He shrugged. “Well, some
its selling for virtually noth-

ing. They're going to people in
70 countries. Poor people. Black
people. Brown people. Yellow
people."

It was the most improbable
story I had ever heard. Besides, 1
thought, there aren't that many
rubbers in the world.

My latex buddy put on his
professional voice. "Look, I was
asked to bid on these products, so
my name has to stay out of this.
But here's what's happening. Our
Government has a cafeteria ap-
proach to contraceptives. In ad-
dition to condoms, it's buying
birth-control pills and I.U.D.s.
It’s buying sterilization kits and
calling them surgical contracep-
tives. It’s also funding family-
planning programs and putting
up $17,000,000 for contraceptive
research.”

1 was beginning to realize that
my friend was serious. What's

more, he was saving the best for
last. I still remember how his eyes
sparkled as he rubbed his hands
together, leaned forward and low-
ered his voice.

“Our Government bought
568,000,000 condoms, but the bid
has a clause alloving it to buy as
many as 750,000,000. It will buy
more condoms this year than any-
body else in the world."

My circuits burned out at the
750,000,000 figure. Scribbling on
a napkin, I determined that if a
rubber is about seven inches long,
my Government bought 82,860
miles’ worth. Tied together, they
would wrap around the world
three times and enough would be
left over to make a bow that, if
draped over the Horn of Africa,
would reach from Madagascar to
Sri Lanka. Your tax dollars at
work!

“What kind ofrubbers are they

ux O N NI E

ILLUSTRATION BY SANDRA HENDLER

ш

112

buying?" My friend wrinkled his face in
distaste. He never uses the word rubbers.
He said:

"These are the type goods being
bought: red, yellow, blue, green and plain
condoms. Lubricated condoms. Straight-
shank condoms. Nipple-end shaped con-
doms. And your ultrathin condoms."

My friend didn't know any more
details. So after he got on his airplane and
flew away, I began trying to get to the bot-
tom of this rubber business. I contacted
people from Atlanta to Seattle and from
Alabama to New Jersey. But, as with most
things this wild and weird, one must jour-
ney to the nation's capital to find true
enlightenment.

For those unfamiliar with Washington
and the relationship between Congress
and the bureaucracy, it's like the relation-
ship between those legendary 11th Cen-
tury battlers the Normans and the Saxons.
Congressmen are the invaders, the Nor-
mans. They criticize bureaucrats to di-
vert their attention; then they send as
much plunder as possible back home.

Here’s an example of their relationship:
Not long after Senator Jeremiah Denton of
Alabama went to Washington, he wrote
an inquisitive letter to the Agency for
International Development asking if it
were true that the U.S. was sending con-
traceptives all over the world. AID said
there was such a program and the biggest
supplier was Ansell Inc., in Dothan, Ala-
bama. Senator Denton probably figured
that if his state was getting the biggest
share of the money, this must be a good
program.

I found only a handful of people in
Washington who knew more than cursory
details about the U.S. Government's buy-
ing rubbers for the world. Even the most
curious did not go beyond digging into
AID's central-office budget, where, in fis-
cal year 1985, they would have found
$22,000,000 earmarked for contraceptives.
But after several dozen interviews, 1
covered that AID also funds contraceptive
and population programs from other
sources. Contraceptive research was
$17,000,000. Two Congressional alloca-
tons outside the central-office budget
amounted to $29,000,000 for population
programs. Other regional population pro-
grams came to $53,000,000. So the total
that year was $121,000,000.

The rubber program is so low-key that
not even all officials of the General Serv-
ices Administration, the Government's
procurement agency, know about it.

“I was here for years before I knew
about this," an incredulous GSA execu-
tive told me. “One day, somebody asked
me if I knew we were buying millions
of condoms every year. I didn’t be-
lieve it. Then he showed me the
paperwork for millions of pas-
tel condoms. (continued on page 150)

he time has come for some
rules of condom etiquette.

1. Who buys?

Its a joint decision. If
you'reina relationship, the two of you can
truck right down to your local drugstore
and pick out a pack of your own. The
couple that buys together plays together.

On the other hand, responsibility
starts where the rubber meets the road:
You're the one who's going to wear it, so
you're the one who's got to make the
proper fit. Maybe you'll meet a woman
like Ellen. “I buy, I supply,” she says.
She is pretty, blunt, athletic, in her 20s.
“Irs my life. I want to know what's
being used, so I keep а supply in my bed-
room. And I carry a couple of condoms
around with me just in case I meet the
love of my life. You'd be surprised how
many women my age do that."

2. You're in a mad embrace. Things are
progressing nicely. Who first mentions the
subject? How and uhen do you ask?

These can be very difficult questions,
particularly in the heat of battle. So for-
get it, right?

Wrong, spermicide breath. Condom
etiquette goes like this: Either one of you
can mention it; one of you must mention
it. Some people are embarrassed by the
subject. So what? If the two of you are so
intimate that you're about to do it,
surely you know each other well enough
to get things straight—and protected —
between you.

You're afraid she'll think you're in
trouble yourself if you mention it? That
depends on how you bring the subject
up. Just say, “It’s a new age, darlin’, and
we're going to play it safe, not sorry.”
She'll cooperate—and she'll be relieved
that you had the maturity and the cour-
age to talk straight.

She can ask, you can ask; somebody's
got to do it. And quickly, before the del-
uge. Think of it this way: If manners
really are part of a ritual we create to
preserve ourselves, it is extremely polite
and proper to mention your wish for a
pause while you put on protection.

3. You said pause? I hate that word.
Sometimes it's Ihe pause that kills.

A valid point.

No woman can understand the relativ-
ity of time as well as we men can, for we
alone know that the few seconds it takes
to stop and put on a condom are some-
times the equivalent of a year and a
half in Siberia. The noodle sometimes
droops. It is as if the mere sight ofa con-
dom, the first whiff, the first touch were a
kick in the crotch.

Don't tell me it hasn't happened to
you. You're in a fine and passionate
entanglement, you pull apart for a
moment and—voila!—there’s nothing
there. “1 don't understand it,” you mur-

mur. “This has never happened before."
Sound familiar? OK, look, life has its
risks, right? If, at this troubling moment,
your sweetheart/cookie/baby starts to
giggle and snort, you've learned some-
thing about her: She's a heartless, cruel
ball buster.

No, a good woman will be under-
standing and sympathetic. “Would
you... ?” is all you'll have to say. She
will provoke a renaissance of energy,
you will stand tall again and all will be
well— protected and well.

It's called teamwork. Try it. You'll
like it. So will she. The two of you can
even have practice sessions. Road tests.
Civil alerts. You could buy a little siren
and pretend that every time you set it
s her job to provide fallout
m within a time limit. Sure,
there's something Pavlovian and disgust-
ing about such a suggestion. That's what
makes it so wonderful.

4. It's all right for you lo come on with
this humanistic bullshit about how men and
women should buy and use condoms
together, but what do you do when your
woman becomes infatuated with condoms
and insists that you wear the colored, ribbed
ones with feathers and vibrating ben-wa
balls at the tip?

Love her and cherish her and try not
to let her out of the house. And never,
ever ask her where she learned what she
knows.

5. Excuse me, but who takes the thing off
once it's been used?

You do.

If she takes the condom off and then
runs to her freezer and puts it in a Petri
dish, you might think about leaving
early. Real early.

6. Who uses condoms?

It's very fashionable to be a condom
user. It is a sign of sexual sophistication.
It is stupid and naive not to use them, no
matter what you've been taught. Good
parents provide their children. with
information about them at the appropri-
ate age. Good young adults use them
when they begin their sexual experi-
mentation.

The best argument I’ve ever heard for
condoms came from a defrocked Catho-
lic priest. "Condoms are what separate
us from the animals," he said.

Not a bad thought. So if the condom
fits, wear it. And if it doesn't fit, give
your partner time to work on you. It
will. Especially if you understand that
it's OK to ask for help, it's OK to discuss
the subject and, in using condoms, you
are participating in an act of politeness
and gentility: You are protecting the
health of your mate, possibly your own,
and you are helping prevent the birth of
an unwanted child.

Now, that’s good manners!

Condom
Etiquette

here's a
reservoir of
information

for when

you're
ona

roll

By Asa Baber y,

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES INBROGNO

114

Kevin McHale, on scoring the first
11 points of a February 10, 1987,
game against the Denver Nuggets:
"The game plan was simple. [ was
supposed to score the first 112 points.
But 1 got tired."

N THE COURT at their practice

center in Brookline, Massa-

chusetts, the world-champion Boston Celtics begin their prepractice exercises. These men

are professionals, the best in basketball, and they conduct themselves accordingly—

bending, stretching, focusing on the business at hand. That is, all except one.

Off to the side of his 11 teammates, Kevin McHale stands with one foot up on a train-

ing device known as a Stairmaster. He bends perhaps three degrees from the waist, expend-

ing approximately the amount of energy it takes to drop a piece of paper into a wastebasket.

But he's not slacking. McHale is loosening the muscles that control one of his most potent,

and offensive, weapons: his mouth. So as he bends a little, he talks—a lot.

KEVIN MCHALE'S GOT MORE

ONE-LINERS THAN DANGERFIELD,

HE'S TOUGHER INSIDE THAN CLAJUWON

AND THIS SEASON (COULD IT BE?)

HE'S PLAYING . . .

bi ELE

THAN BIRD!

PERSONALITY By BOB RYAN

"Thus begins another workday for a
man who is called unstoppable, domi-
nant and impossible to guard when he's
not called flippant, brash and irreverent.
For if there is anything McHale likes as
much as tormenting opposing players
with his inside scoring moves, it's talk-
ing. About what he's done. About what
he's going to do. About what you've done
(as long as it was bad or stupid). About
what you can't do. About fishing and
hunting in Minnesota. About TV shows.
About high school rivalries. About the
price of silver. About the latest book he's
read.

“Гуе always said,” laughs teammate
Danny Ainge, "that if Kevin had to wear
a mouthpiece while he was playing, he
wouldn't enjoy basketball."

Better you should cut off his left arm
than remove his tongue. A silent McHale
is almost unimaginable.

“Не is one of the few players I know,”
says Celtics center Robert Parish, "who
can talk and play at the same time. It
doesn't break his concentration at all.”

Surprisingly, McHale backs his tor-
rent of words with an equivalent amount
ofaction.

In his seventh year as a professional,
Kevin Edward McHale has become one
of the most highly acclaimed players in
basketball, (continued on page 158)

ILLUSTRATION BY HERB OAVIDSON

MATE

OF THE YEAR

| ©
NCE UPON A TIME, a pretty
| lady from a smallish Southern city
posed for some sexy pictures in
a men's magazine. And before
she knew what was happening,
she found that she'd become a
Very Important Person. Donna
Edmondson's rise from old-
fashioned country girl to Playmate
of the Month to Playmate of the
Year reads like—you guessed it—a
fairy tale, only better. Suddenly
transformed from plain ol’
beautiful to PLAYBOY beautiful,

Donna has sailed on through a

string of successes so magical that

onna edmondson а one gets the impression that had
nabbed our top honors in Cinderella had the chance, she
true fairy-tale fashion would have bypassed the ball and

thumbed a ride to North Carolina
to take a few lessons. "I never
imagined it would go this far," said
Donna from her home in Greens-
boro. “I didn't think I was pretty
enough to test for PLAYBOY, let alone
be Playmate of the Month. Now
Tm Playmate of the Year! This has

really been a dream come true."

116

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

s Playmate of the Year, Donna was awarded a
Corvette convertible (right) and a $100,000
check. Ever the savvy business lady, she's investing
the cash. “My earlier Playmate earnings went
inlo mutual funds, Government securities and
n. IRAs,” she says. "The $100,000 will go into real estate."

pparently, Donna’s special blend of innocence and erotic appeal struck the hearts of American men.
‘Thousands dialed her 900 number in the Playmate Phone-In, boosting her as Playmate of the Year. (One Virginia reader

wrote nominating Donnaas Playmate of the Century.) Others proposed marriage or asked advice. “I was shocked,” Donna

says. “I thought only people like Elvis Presley got fan mail. But suddenly, everyone was inviting me everywhere—

businessmen, college guys, the Army, the Navy. Onc gentleman even offered mea planc ticket to Utah for a dinner date.”

, onna is also the first Playmate of the Year ever to star in her own “Video Centerfold.”
“IPs a very creative, very active video," she says. "To shoot one scene, I spent nine and a half
hours on à trampoline. I'm glad my aerobics class trained me for that one." Donna
admits that of all the California locations used in the video, UCLA and the surrounding
Westwood area were her favorites. “They were pretty and quaint. Reminded me of home.”

|

E |
onna's ascent in the world of real estate makes for yet another chapter in her glass-slipper success story
| | She'd had her license for only five months when her November Playmate pictorial hit the stands. Quicker than you can
Hl say “Abracadabra,” job offers from real-estate offices and independent brokers across the country came rolling in. “So
now I'm waiting for the best one. I still plan on staying here in North Carolina, though. I want to sell people on this state

|| 88 well as sell them property." And what will she use as a sales pitch? “That's easy. ГЇЇ tell "em Pm here!”
|

123

Ithough Donna
admits that she has yet to find her
princely leading man—the fellow
whose job it is to dash in and sweep
her away in storybook style—she also
confesses she's getting just a bit tired
of being asked about Mr. Right. We
can understand that: Every girl de-
serves a little privacy. “Pm sure Pl
find him one day," she says, "but
sometimes I feel a little disappointed
that I don't have someone with whom
I could share this wonderful experi-
ence. Still," she chuckles, *I'm only
21. And Im having the time of

my life." Which is, perhaps, the best

way to end our fairy tale come truc.

hile Donna doesn't plan to continue modeling ("And you can lake me to my
grave on that!” she giggles), she does liken her PLAYBOY experience to

something straight out of a fairy tale.
bedtime story was ‘Peter Pan,’” she says.

hen I was a little girl, my favorite
Nell, that's exactly how I feel right

now. Like I'm up in the sky, looking down on myself. And I'm flying!”

PLAYBOY

126

FINANCIAL EVANGELISTS

(continued from page 86)

“T start people on the procrastination tape. It keeps

"em up all night long cleaning the garage.

Lefiward sits the ever-loyal Bob Braun.
Bob, blessed with a resemblance to Fred
MacMurray so uncanny that scads of
viewers routinely call their local outlet to
see if it's true that Chip's dad has hit hard
times and switched to cable, has the pres-
tige post of Tony's full-time enthuser.

It’s Bob's earnest, hearty voice-over
that introduces every E.M.M. installment.
Against a montage of Thoroughbreds,
Chris-Crafts, mile-long limos and the like,
he pops the Big Questions: “Do you
dream of being independently wealthy?
Enjoying the good life? Traveling to exotic
places? Living in a luxurious home?” Cut
to aquick shot of some Sun Belt Taj Mahal
mit swimming hole. “If these are things
you'd like to do, you need to be part of
Everybody's Money Matters.”

Ir's a grand concept. Tony, see, boasts
his own troupe of guru entrepreneurs—
among them, Russ Whitney, "the Rehab
Man," Danielle Durant, "the Memory
Lady,” and Joe Land, former foreclosure
stud turned subliminal-tape ace, whose
stirring Program Yourself for Success stands
out as Tony's most successful show to date.
And it's Land's unique pitch that shows
wherc self-help TV's really going.

"Tell you what," Land told me in an
hourlong jaw from his Albuquerque H.Q.,
“the fact that most people aren't wealthy
proves the most convincing evidence they
can't be. That's how some people think.
That's what we're up against!”

Its a tough battle; but, doggone it, Joe
tried the darned tapes himself, and they
really work. Just listening to Joc on thc
phone, you could get a cauliflower ear
from all that confidence. “I was in the
closet with this subliminals thing," he
confides. “But I decided I believed
enough in these things, and if I believe in
something, l'm unstoppable. Thosc fcl-
lows with thc other seminars put the cart
before the horse. They have all the tech-
niques before people get the guts, the
imagination, the confidence to pull them-
selves up to the five percent of the popu-
lation who are secure financially. I was
frustrated because I knew 95 percent of
the people who bought my material would
never do anything with it. Why? Because
they could not overcome fear!"

That's Joe Land talking. Joe Land. Of
course, now that he's out of real estate and
into ego building, maybe he'll change his
name. Maybe he'll go with Joe Confidence.
Or just Joe Ego. Why not?

There's simply not enough space on the
page to capture what this fellow can teach

»»

you about the human mind on TV. The
image that lingers is Joe's audio-visual
aid. Your Improvement Promoters are all
big on audio-visual aids, especially over-
head projectors, which tend to lend the
seminars a cozy, high school civics feel
that makes you want to pass a dirty note
to the redhead next to you.

“Your subconscious mind," Joe an-
nounces, “that’s your storage room.
That's your data room. That's where
everything you've ever heard, seen, tasted,
felt, smelled, said, done is—in that room.
Picture your conscious mind as the guard
standing at the door of that room. Now the
guard is in charge and he makes all the
decisions. He does all the talking. You are
not aware of whats happening in 88 per-
cent of your mind. The only part of your
mind that you are aware of is the 12 per-
cent that's the conscious mind.”

And there й is! The perfect image—just
over Joe's shoulder. That stately guard,
with one of those giganto furry Bucking-
ham Palace hats. And behind him, the Big
Room. Where all our desires are.

Joe, God love him, appears to be pass-
ig off the notion of the Noble Savage as
his own little pensée. Its a kookie
approach for a onetime four-for-a-dollar
burger-stand operator from Clovis. Then
again, Rousseau himself might have
appreciated Joe. “When you were born,"
Joe declares—he's really wrestled with
this! —“that whole process, the room and
the guard, was squeaky clean. Nothing
in there! And your parents were the first
thing, the first ones in charge of putting
something in there, And guess what your
parents’ favorite word for you was in the
first ten years of your life? What would you
think? No. No. Is no a negative word?
Folks, nois the epitome ofa negative word.”

Joe's come a long way from No Money
Down Land. Before, he just wanted to
make us rich. Now he wants to replace
Mom and Dad. A big job! "Studies
reveal"—the successoids are big on “stud-
ies," and somewhere out there a busload of
research seems to be going on to find out
just what makes all us Regular Joes and
Joanies blow it— that the average parent,
for every positive thing they say to their.
children, they say 25 negative things."

Joe pulls out a mini tape player and
shows how he plugged himself in and lis-
tened to ten or 12 hours of subliminal
input a day. The first tape—there are 12
altogether, for $349, with optional Stop
Smoking or Weight Loss cassettes thrown in
for an extra $35 cach— Joc recommends is

Stopping Procrastination, “This particular
tape works faster than any of the other
tapes," he chuckles. “I always start people
on the procrastination tape. People hon-
estly can't listen to it in the evening,
because it keeps ‘em up all night long
cleaning the garage in the wintertime.”

But the best part—beyond the 30-
day, money-back, satisfaction-guaranteed
guarantee—is that for 15 measly green-
backs on top of the $349, you can cash in
on the coming subliminals boom, get in on
the ground floor, mind control-wise, and
become a distributor. “Every now ’n’
then,” sighs Joe, slightly overcome but
fighting it, being a man, “a product comes
along that creates such an excitement in
the customers who use it that they can’t
help but bubble over and tell everybody
they mect about what's happening to
them. And that kind of product is perfect
for a multilevel marketing plan. Now,
don’t mistake multilevel with the illegal
pyramid schemes, because there's a great
big difference.”

And what, the waffling customer wants
to know, might that great big difference
be? “Multilevel's now being taught in the
Harvard Business School." If that's not
prima facie enough, then keep this in
mind: “Both Stanford University and The
Wall Street Journal say that over 50 percent
of the retail products that are sold in this
country by the mid-Nineties will be sold
in a multilevel marketing plan. Its," says
Joe, "just a plan where the customer
becomes a dealer and he sells to another
customer and makes that customer a
dealer, and they make money from several
of those downline in their organization."
Now, that sounds simple enough.

Of course, we don't really know what
Joe's got socked away under those wave
noises. Tape number five could be telling
us, “Murder Catholic girls and bake them
in dumplings.” Its a question of faith.
But, hey, Joe looks honest. (Even though
he did let out over the phone—kind of
confidentially—that most people who pay
the extra $15 for distributing won't do a
darn thing with it.) And besides, he’s not
the only Superstar willing to spill a bean
or two in public, Our friend Lyndon
Parker—president Parker, former IRS
prosecutor and hotshot Philadelphia
lawyer—was kind enough to invite us out
to Superstar Central, the earth-tone
Westlake Village industrial park ncar Los
Angeles that the financial kings call home.

"These guys don't know how to run a
business" is Lyndon's assessment of the
Tony Hoffman gang. No more, no less.

A tiny, broad-shouldered fellow with
the swagger of a courtroom Mickey
Rooney, Lyndon plainly gets a kick out of.
pricking the Superstar myth. "They're
entrepreneurs," he chuckles. “They know
how to make it, but they don't know how
to keep it. I put the company into Chapter

(continued on page 138)

Michelob.
, The Difference Is
& Day And Night.

For exceptionally smooth taste. There is beer. And there is Michelob.
The difference is day and night.

pre night belongs to Miichelob:

2 0 UE

Sr wls

VES TAE. POS

s if the high ratings of his TV show,

“Family Ties,” the box-office haul of his
movies “Back lo the Future” and “Teen
Wolf” and the anticipation of his next two
fims—"Light of Day" and “The Secret
of My Success"—didn't create enough
pandemonium in the life of actor Michael J.
Fox, now the 26-year-old Canadian trans-
plant must wake up each morning to the
jarring symphony of a construction leam
erecting a wall around his Los Angeles home.
Says Fox, who has also added rooms and a
new driveway, “It’s a little something to keep
the fans at bay. Sometimes I've come home to
find them sitting in my bach yard, waiting for
me.” We asked. Contributing Editor David
Rensin to gel a hard-hat and pick his way
through the plaster and paint. Said Rensin,
"AL9:30 a, Fox was unkempt and unshav-
en—and completely unpretentious about it.
He drank V8 juice. It was too early for beer.”

1.

тлувоу: John Travolta was the last TV
superstar whosc first starring film role was
a megahit. But after he left his TV show, it
was downhill at the box office. What do
you have to look forward to?

rox: Well, one's good-looking and the oth-
€r's not. You figure it out. [Laughs] Somc-
body told me that once you have a big hit,
you have four chances to better it. If you
don't hit on the fourth, that's it; pack your
bags. I do feel some pressure from that;
maybe it's another reason that I stay with
my show. It's safe, it's home and I enjoy
it, and I still feel there are things to do cre-
atively. Family Ties creator Gary David
Goldberg is gener-
cus and supportive,
and he was under
no obligation to let
me do anything out-
side the show, let
alone a film. Every

the biggest
smallest actor
reveals the
secrets of his

he does it and it’s a
big hit, you've lost
him." Gary said, “1

success: his ary said
workout, his бшм He
way with 2.
royalty and pre Which role

lon't you sec your-
the role he'll

self as ever playing?
never play

rox: Le Petomanc.

He was a flatulist.
He was a big hit
PHOTOGRAPHY BY TOM ZINBEROFF

in Paris at the turn
of the century, an

one said to him, “If

amazing man. Somebody gave me a bool
about him and wanted me to develop it
Want to freak out Hollywood? "Michael
ox is Le Petomane. He laughs, he

, he farts. Flatulist extraordinaire." 1
hope it was tongue in check.
3.
mLNBOY: You're such a nice boy. What

have you got to hide?

rox: From the very beginning, I'd figured
that if I were ever lucky enough to be in a
position where anyone gave a shit about
what I did, then Га just have to be myself:
I'd do what I had to do from day one and
not worry about running around and hid-
ing things. ГЇЇ never forget that the first
person who ever interviewed me was some
syndicated columnist. I sat down and
popped a cigarette into my mouth and
ordered a beer and he said, "Wait a min-
ute, wait a minute!”

4.

You like beer. What’s the most
brew you've consumed in one day?

rox: Oh, when I was a kid, if 1 had a good
base of two hot dogs and a hamburger and
a bunch of potato chips, I think about 11.
And then you start to get a little queasy.
"But I was so much older then. Pm
younger than that now.”

5?

тлувоу: Alex P. Keaton, your character in
Family Ties, has launched a million
neoconservative Yuppies. Any changes
you'd like to make?

Fox: We didn’t so much launch Yuppies as
we grabbed the wave as it was just starting
to swell. I was talking with Budd Schul-
berg, who wrote What Mahes Sammy
Run?, and he said that people come up to
him and say, “I love Sammy. I patterned
my life after Sammy." And he was horri-
fied, because he felt that he had created an
evil character. But the preoccupation with
upward mobility has made the $
and thc Alexes into heroes now. Frankly, I
have no idea why. But it’s great that
everyone's reacted so positively. Now I
want to make Alex a little tougher. I don't
want there to be any confusion when he's
wrong. I want it pretty clear—if not to
him, at least to other people. 105 our
responsibility to the viewers, especially
the four- and five-year-olds who watch,
because wc discovered that Alex could do
anything and people would forgive him for
it—sort of like a Teflon TV character, a
Ronald Reagan of the air. Our first reac-

PLAYBOY:

tion was to pump up his sympathetic side,
so what people would sce there was actu-
ally a warm person. But it wasn't enough.
For instance, he's a blatant sexist, and 1
love to see him get stomped. We did an
episode this ycar where he goes to work in
a bank and his immediate superior is a
woman. He can't believe it. He's shocked.
And when he has to turn in one of his
rcports, it's complete with a couple of reci
pes and a couple of swatches of cloth. He's
such a jerk, and he just gets nailed. The
audience loves it. His boss just says, “Sit
down. You're gonna work. You're gonna
shut up. I don't want to hear from you.”
And there's Alex, like, terrified.

secret?

FOX: Yes. He really respects the women in
his life: he really needs them, and he's
dependent on them. He's just a nice gu
But he has bought into an ideology tha
in a lot of cases, works for him. He's prob-
ably not as conservative as he styles him-
self, but he builds this wall around
himsell—only ¡és made out of rice paper
and it’s so casy to poke your fingers
through and watch everything ooze out
Alcx is learning that he can control that,
so I think eventually he's going to come
round and be a little less outrageous.

7.

PLAYBOY: You've had Meredith Baxter-
Birney and Lea Thompson and Gena
Rowlands as your mom. Anybody else
you'd like to audition?

rox: Maureen Stapleton would be a great
mom. She's so tough. Whitney Houston
could be my mom any old time, too. And
I'm not making any jokes about breast
feeding here, either

8.

vravpov: Got a favorite short joke?

rox: Do you know the one about the guy
who goes into a bar and orders a drink
and takes a miniaturc piano out, and the
bartender says, "What's that?" The guy
takes out a tiny piano player about eight
inches high. Sits him on a little bench; he
starts to play. And the bartender says,
“Where'd you get that?" So the guy says,
on a desert island and I rubbed a
lamp and the guy asked me what I wanted

and I said, ‘An eight-inch penis?”

9.
riaynoy; You met James Cagney. What
was his parting shot?

128

PLAYBOY

rox: The last time I saw him, he was in his
chair and I was shaking his hand and he
squeczed my hand so hard, it was as if he
were trying to say, "If I could get up, 1
could still kick your ass around the block,
and don't you forget it.”

10.

pLavsoy: Which of your family ties taught
you the facts of life? Did anything surprise
you the first time?

rox: Probably my older brother. My par-
ents never sat down and said, “This is the
way things are.” We figured it all out,
though. My mother probably didn't men-
tion it because she was afraid that she
would say, “We're gonna talk to you about
sex,” and Га say, "Sex? Fornication?
What? You know, too?" The first time, |
had no expectations. 1 don't want to get
graphic; there's a girl out there who'll
read this and be embarrassed by it. I was
as dumb and awkward as anyone else.

=

11.

rLayvoy: Describe your morning routine.
rox: Three times a week, I wake up
around seven and Pete Stcinfeld, brother
ol “Body by” Jake Steinfeld, comes over.
Fete is equally ruthless and evil. Basically,
he thrashes the hell out of me before I
know what hit me. I wander in to Family
Ties around ten o'clock. Mondays and
Wednesdays we have script reading
around a table. Then I mostly just hang
out and talk football and hockey with the
crew and get a little rchearsing in. The
two mornings that I don't go in, the first
thing I do is turn on Today and gaze at
Jane Pauley. After that, my favorite thing
is to catch The $25,000 Pyramid. Ws the
perfect game show, because dumb people
don't win. There's none of this “A vowel?
You bought a vowcl?" Wheel of Fortune
stuff. I was on it a few times. I did all
right. You gotta be forceful. You gotta
imagine yourself as Captain Kirk in your
little chair, handstraps on. Anyway, Dil

“You're looking very statuesque today.”

watch that. But they've put Family Ties
opposite Pyramid in the morning. 1 don't
know who's winning in the ratings, but a
lot of people seem to watch Family 1
I'm hoping I don't unwittingly cause the
removal of my favorite game show.

12.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you once ask for etiquette
lessons before meeting the royal family at
a command performance of Back lo the
Future?

FOX: I met the Prince and the Princess of
Walcs, and it was an amazing experience
What really blew me away was that
Charles knew everything. And his wife
was gorgeous. She had thesc pearls on.
Then we went in to sec thc mo Now,
the things I knew were you never speak
until you're spoken to, never rise until
they rise. In the theater, Diana is at my
immediate left. Right here. [Pats seat] Um,
like, on a date with the princess. Unbeliev-
able. I’m thinking, Maybe I should move
my hand or put my arm around her. A
grope in the dark, who's gonna tell? |
don't think she would. I really don’t think
she would. I think she would just kind of
look at me knowingly and that would be
it. That would be our little shared
moment. But I didn't have the guts to try
that out. [Laughs] Anywav, the movie
starts and I have to go to the john. And [
know that I can't, because I can't stand
up until she stands up. And I can't speak
to her until she speaks to me. So what can
I do? Гуе got to hope that she'll say, “You
don't have to go to the rest room, do you?
Because if you do, you can go ahead." I
mean, it was very bizarre. | ended up
waiting it out. Afterward, Charles and
Diana said, “That was a very lovely
movie." I said [very rushed], “Thank you
very much. Great. Good. Gotta go.” Good
thing I didn't meet the queen. I imagine
it’s a lot more formal with her.

13.

mavsoy: Describe your strangest groupie
encounter.

x: At the end of the first season of Family
1 was in Florida, doing something for
a children’s hospital. I was staying in this
old hotel that had a balcony that ran the
length of the building. I could open these
French doors and share the common bal-
cony. As | was walking around in thc
lobby, L heard some people gi I fig-
ured a couple of people knew me. I went
up to my room and got into my sweats,
and all of a sudden, I heard this [knocks
twice on table] at my window on the bal-
сопу. 1 opened it, expecting a couple of
15-year-old girls whom 1 could tell I had
10 go to sleep. But it was ten accountants
in town for a convention. That is somc-
thing very weird.

14.

PLAYBOY: At this point, you could probably
get a date with just about anyone. Who is
still beyond your reach?

Fox: Well, Princess Diana is obviously
gone. And Јас Bisset probably
wouldn't have anything to do with me.
Squeaky Fromme is completely out of the
question. This is funny, because I was in
Japan once and I went to this night club
and it was full of American models. They
hadn’t seen that many American guys—
in my case, Canadian—and they knew
me. There were, for some reason, Back to
the Future posters in this place. And there
were 15 beautiful models kicking one
another out of their seats. | sat there and
looked over at this guy from the film com-
pany and just winked. It was nuts; it was
great; it was like Dean Martin surrounded
by The Golddiggers

15.

PLAYBOY: What kind of advice would you
want from Warren Beatty?

rox: How did you do it, Warren? Where
are they? Anything you don’t want, send
over. I admire him a lot. I think Warren's
got it figured out. And I'd like to talk with
him about directing oneself. I directed a
short film and was in it. 1 hated being in
it. I just wanted to put someone in there
who looked like me, because I was so fa:
cinated at being behind the camera. War-
ren handles both impeccably.

16.

илүвоу: Ever take a girlfriend on a tour of
your hockey scars?

Oh, yeah. But they're all facial,
which is really a drag.

17.

PLAYBOY: Picture this. It's midnight. The
house is empty. You're lying in bed—can’t
sleep. The radio is on. It’s a call-in shrink
program. You get the urge to phone. What
do you talk about?

rox: 1 was talking with Jane Fonda about
a thing called the impostor syndrome.
People attain a certain degree of success
and are convinced that they faked their
way into it and they don't deserve it. Гуе
felt so fortunate and people can tell me till
they're blue in the face that I deserve it,
that I'm so talented, but having success
and being able to have things I know a lot
of people don't have and will never
achieve—itis kind of weird. What price is
there to pay later? When the party's over
and nobody cares what Michael Fox does
anymore, I'll be very much at peace. But I
hope it goes on for a few more years.

18.

PLAYBOY: How will Alex Keaton's politics
change in the next ten years?

FOX: I think he's a rock. It would be funny
for to convert to the Democrats, but
that would demand a catastrophe of epic
proportions. My image of Alex is that one
day, he'll run for some sort of office. You

could make up a really terrific story, for
example, when the show's over about
what happened to Alex. I see him getting
busted for graft.

19.

PLAYBOY: What have you done for the Fox
family since you've made it big?

rox: My parents had always wanted to
travel overseas, because my mother’s fam-
ily lives in Belfast and my father’s family
is from England. So the first year that 1
had enough to do something for them, I
sent them on a tour of Ireland and
England. But first I called my broth-
ers and my sisters—hard-working, very
proud people—and made it clear to them
that I was in a surreal situation. I suppose
1 didn't really have to, because they're
intelligent enough to know that they
shouldn't compare themselves with or feel
competitive with me. But I asked them,
“Is this cool? Docs anybody mind this?”
And they said, “No, look, you can do
do it! Please do it!”

20.

PLAYBOY: To which Trivial Pursuit question
are you the answer?

rox: "Who was the only person Paul
Simon could beat in

basketball?"

‘one-on-one

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he battle of the boats is over. But consider for a moment à

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Who wonthis epic battle? Some of our competi-

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FASTFORWARD

HOLLYWOOD'S
NEW TOP BANANA

When you start your acting career at
age of nine, you've learned a few
ings by the age of 23, and Helen
Hunt figured she'd been through just
about every conceivable audition.

? Hardly She had wowed
¿oppola to snag a part in Peggy
Married and had turned a
gueststar stint on St Elsewhere into a
running character that lasted three years. But
then she found herself up for the female lead in
Project X. Naturally, she did a few scenes for the Y
director and co-star Matthew Broderick. Then came a
reading with the other co-star—a chimp? “Everyon
wanted to make sure that Willy didn't freak out," Y
explains Hunt, who plays a researcher who teaches the chimp sign
language. Professional that she is, she won the chimp's favor. *If he
hadn't liked me, I
I think they cast
then. Willy and
monkey biz.

never would have gotten the part.
the film with Matthew first,

then me.” Well, that’s
— STEPHEN RANDALL

\ DIRECTOR
CUM
LAUDE

7
A

n Hollywood, film students talk about
j Phil Joanot with hushed reverence. It seems like only yesterday

that he was one of the gang, just another kid taking cinema classes

at USC. Then, suddenly, he graduated to being one of the most-talked-about directors—yet
another Wunderkind. Joanou's good fortune began when his student film caught the eye of
Steven Spielberg. “We met and talked for about an hour,” Jaanou recalls. “He wanted to know
everything about the film." Apparently, Joanou had the right answers, because, fresh out of
school. he found himself hired by Spielberg to direct two episodes of Amazing Stories. One of
those shows earned its star, John Lithgow, an Emmy. and the actor credited his director in his
acceptance speech. Now. at 25. Joanou has graduated again, this time to a feature film called
3 O'Clock High. "Spielberg found the script,” he explains. "It's like he's my big brother. He
knows what I'm going through now. because he started at 23, too.” Joanou's fairy-tale leap
from school to studio has not been without some trauma. “You might think it's glitzy, but when
you get here, it's all work. No one tells you in school, "This has to be done in an hour—or else."
That's the big difference between the classroom and the real world." ERY STAHL

E
-—
TOM ZINBEROFF

NANCY SANTULLO

Bob Goldthwait, 24, is the kind of guy you'd
cross the street to avoid. On stage, where he's
known as Bobcat, Goidthwait's even jumpier—
spastic and sputtering, steailng a nervous
twitch or two from comic madmen Andy Kauf-
man and Brother Theodore, Goldtawait
approximates a punk-rock approach to
comedy—sort of The Sex Pistols Meet Soupy
Sales. Goldthwait claims that his edgy
antics—which include showering on stage,
appearing as an overweight, overwrought
Prince on the MTV Awards and having his
“father” stand in for a hoop-jumping dog—
are the result of playing it natural. “When I'm
on stage, I'm usually very nerve-racked, really
emotionally strung out,” he confesses. “1 got
tired of audiences’ getting the better of me, so
I began telling them how uncomfortable | felt.”
The strategy worked, as evidenced by his. own
HBO special and several film roles. It figures
that someone with a slash-and-burn approach
to humor isn't going to care much for more
conventional funnymen. "| don't care about
some guy who has problems meeting girls and
driving on the freeway. Fuck those guys with
Sweaters." — MICHAEL KAPLAN

CARSON MCCULLERS GOES COUNTRY

To really get a sense of what singer-songwriter Nanci Griffith is all about, try
imagining a novel by Eudora Welty or Carson McCullers set to music. “Writing for
me is making very common things and very everyday people—just average
Americans—interesting," explains the 33-year-old Texan. That gift for poetic,
homespun lyrics is finally paying off for Griffith. After ten years as a folk singer
aying bars and coffeehouses, she recently moved to Nashville and immediately
t big. Kathy Mattea recorded Griffith's Love at the Five & Dime, which spent
"ihe past summer roosting in Billboard's country top ten, and Griffith released Lone
Star State of Mind, her first album on a major label. But neither her success nor the
Crossover to country should alarm her old folk fans. “Now my music is classified
as country," she says, “but it’s always been somewhere between folk music and
hillbilly I consider it to be folk-a-billy." One critic dubbed her “a literary song
poet,” and Griffith thinks that the boredom of growing up in the Southwest helped
foster her talent. “Texas is not the

she explains, "so you
io develop an
early in
— MARK HUMPHREY

here's scientific market research and then
there's gut instinct, and Lee Abrams, 34, knows about
both. His Atlanta-based consulting firm specializes in
second-guessing the 18-to-34-year-old market, and
Abrams has used his skills to reprogram more than 175
. . . radio stations, to remold such artists as Steve Winwood,
Hitchhikers’ Guide Yes, Asia and The Pointer Sisters and to update both MTV
. and Rolling Stone. He claims to be keenly aware ofthe limits of
to the Airwaves traditional social-science techniques. "They tell you what's been

` done and what works," he says, "whereas the real loose, unscientific

| ones give you a handle on what people are ready for next." Once, in order

to help reformat a radio station in a strange town, Abrams hitchhiked around to

see which songs made drivers change stations on their car radios. He is now telling
clients that he thinks three radio formats will soon dominate the airwaves: the basic all-teen, heavy-metal station,
the progressive rock station that plays groups such as Simple Minds and INXS and, as a new entry, a boom in
programing featuring modern jazz and New Age music, aimed at soothing the shattered nerves of stressed-out
Yuppies. "Radio stations have overdone the research," Abrams admits. "Now we're trying to persuade them to
be a bit more eccentric, a little more showbiz. They have to change, because, in most cases, the audiences are
hipper than the media." — ROBERT P. KEARNEY

DAVID CARTER

PLAYBOY

HOME SHOPPING

(continued from page 84)

*Materialism has never been as blatant, shopping
never as stressless and TV never as frightening."

to acquisitiveness, to offering up stuff,
most of which you never dreamed existed,
at sub-flea-market rates, attainable by
simply dialing a toll-free number and fork-
ing over your credit-card digits. Loot
will follow, via United Parcel Service,
promptly, if not sooner. Meanwhile,
the vidco wash of marked-down merchan-
dise, luxuriantly photographed at impos-
sible angles, kecps gushing across the
screen. Materialism has never been as bla-
tant, shopping never as stressless and tele-
vision never as frightening.

If anything, TV home shopping is a
bastardized form of game-show grubbi-
ness. When Newsweek recently scrutinized
the epic popularity of Wheel of Fortune, the
focus landed on selective, upwardly
mobile greed. That is, instead of hauling
in cash prizes, winning contestants get to
Eo shopping on the set, choosing among
the Mediterrancan patio furniture, the
diamond-infested beetle brooches and
the his-and-hers catamarans. “What
could be more in syne with our
hyperacquisitive ethos?” we were asked.

|

“Wheel of Fortune is more than a game
show; it’s an clectronic shopping mall.”

Now the jackpot is tangible, tele-
phonically speaking, throughout couch-
potatodom. Moreover, the mall never
closes unless there's a power failure. Even
then, diehard shoppers won't be subdued.
l talked with onc honcy-voiced phonc
operator for the behemoth Home Shop-
ping Network (HSN) in Florida who
insisted, “They call us whenever. their
"IVsaren't working Just to And out what's
on the screen.
Michael Winerip, writing in The New
York Times, coined the term convenient no-
stop shopping and spoke with a typically
delirious addict who bleated, “I wish the
heck they sold food —I'd never go out." At
last, agoraphobiacs, a show of our own!

At first glance, these programs smell
of the big shil y hokum that con-
jures Veg-o-matic-Ginsu-pocket-fish- Mr.
Microphone memories. The on-camera
announcers, who foster buddy-buddy
rapport with suspicious ease,
vaguely remind me of that dogged strain

viewer

“I just sell stocks. If you're interested
in manipulating them, you'll have to talk to one
of our senior officers."

of salesperson who mysteriously appears
at your side the moment you enter a store
and unnervingly trails in your wake until
you are driven to buy something, anything,
nd flee for your life. These
¢ us to “get in on”
issuing such threats as,
snooze, you lose around here

“If you

and “Pd
have a tough time living with myself if I let
this deal slip through my fingers!" Then
actual viewers call in and make live on-air
testimonials such as, “This is everything a
cubic zirconia could be and more!”
The effect is that of a cajoling, animated
catalog whose static yammer is remini:
cent of those radio-phone-in yak fests. No
coincidence, really. The Home Shopping
Network was, in fact, born on radio. Its
founders, former Florida attorney general
Roy M. Speer and partner Lowell “Bud”
Paxson, latched on to the concept out of
dire embarrassment. It seems that Paxson
owned a Clearwater station, WWQT-
AM, that was anathema to advertisers.
In 1977, he and Spcer—flushed with
inspiration—decided to turn WWQT
a department storc of the airwaves.
ians flocked to listen. By 1982, after Clea
water went cable, the boys had invented a
local 24-hour Home Shopping Channcl.
Two years ago, the channel became a
national network that has since split off
into two sister networks reaching more
than 40,000,000 American homes by way
of cable and UHF broadcast stations. Fi
cal year 1985-1986 garnered Н:
$160,200,000 in sales; the figure for the
si quarter of this year was $103,500,000.
month, the company’s Home Shop-
m Game Show (the unavoidable hybrid),
produced in conjunction with tony
MCA-TV and Hands Across
impresario Ken Kragen, will roll cut into
general syndication. Contestants win
HSN Spendable Kash, a.k.a. credit, with
which to recklessly shop till they drop.
Not surprisingly, clone operations have
quickly glutted the market. According to а
Broadcasting-magazine report, video home
xpected to do 2.25 billion dol-
[ines coeli EDE E se (Er
Paxson foresees an eventual 75-billion-
dollar industry.) The clones number in
the dozens, ranging from slick to scat-of-
pants style, and air as both vampire-shi
programing and full-run channels. T
home shopping is fast becoming a bi

‚America

g
Scars and JC Penne
ling operations of their ow
ants pop up weekly. Not a few
have had a gnat's life span.

The racket is an ephemeral one. I had
ed to visit the headquarters of a
hicago-based late-night show called Amer-
ica's Marketplace; but less than a week
after 1 phoned. it was no more. “Our
capitalization fell through," a spokes-
woman said, invoking a common re
Similarly, С Eddie, with his insane
prices on electronics, has come and gone.
More fatalities are expected over the

next few months. The Playboy Channel
cautiously launched a holiday-season-only
version that offered good-life goods but
hasn't yet attempted a year-round siege.

One entrant that deserves mention is
the eminently watchable ValueTelevision
(VTV), a daily syndicated talk-and-shop
hour. Hosted by Alex “Jeopardy!” Trebek
and Meredith “Petticoat Junction"
MacRae, it combines glib chat with soft
sell on a fern-and-wicker Yupscale set.
There are cooking segments, comedy
sketches ("Alex, don't aim that Black &
Decker paint sprayer at your shirt
Yikes!) and well-worn guests such as Zsa
Zsa Gabor. Interestingly, УТУ executive
producer is Susan Winston, the Wunder-
kind expatriate of Good Morning America
and CBS Morning News. Although it has
slightly legitimized the genre, VTV is
taped in advance and loses that all-
important sense of “Buy now” immedi-
acy. The upshot: Some insiders with whom
1 talked think VTV may soon be vapor.

б
“There's nothing faddish about beating
the system," Peter Barton told me, defend-
ing the staying power of TV home shop-
here's nothing faddish about a.
I had flown to Minncapolis to
is Cable Value Network (€
action. Barton, a wry. laconic 36:
golden boy, had been CVN's president
since it began 24-hour broadcasting last
September. The network, which appeal-
ingly peddles reputable brand-name loot,
ranks second behind HSN and draws its

finesse from the direct | AT JACK DANIELS DISTILLERY, these

mammoth C.O.M.B. C
takes по fewer than 25400 fissttime- | gentlemen make whiskey as their fathers before

purchase orders per week and shows no E

sign of losing momentum. them did.
Barton, meanwhile, lives to beat the

system. He even insisted that CV!

heme-thop game show be called Beat we | There are dozens of men who work in our
reple i d count tres | Hollow whose fathers have worked here too

six people in the country" with a civilian

rating toy Air Force jets “ука B1 is | "hat's good, because it means che elder hands

опе of life's great rushes,” he will say,

beating the system. I asked whether his | ca pass cheir knowledge and skills

old classmates from the Harvard Business

School were amazed at CVN 1 | to newer generations coming along.

would call it chagrined,” he replied, smil- 3 5

ing. "Ever since the day we announced That's che way its been since МЕ

this thing, doom sayers have been running x д

nine to onc." Jack Daniel taught his nephew, Lem
For sport, I tossed the gauntlet of doom е)

at him and prepared to get the system | Motlow, how to make whiskey.

beat out of me. I wondered, [sn’t all of this

kind of odious, this crass mercantilizatin of | A Sip, we believe, and you'll be

television? “Not mercantilization,” he cor-

rected patiently. “This is the ulia ot | glad we still set store in
television. Call me an opportunist. We're В o.

the best thing that's happened to the liv- family tradition.

ing room since the easy chair. From a

cable operators point of view, we

always had a wire going into somebody’s SMOOTH SI PPIN-
house. And we've always thought, Shit, TENNESSEE WHISKEY

what else can we do with that wire? Let's try.
banking. Let's try two-way data. Retaili
is just the manifestation of that di

IM you're partial to our whiskey drop us а line. We like getting lo know cur (пег.

SESS

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PLAYBOY

136

of the Selling Out of Television. It’s the
beginning of interactivity with viewers.”

Ah, interactivity. Of course. When you
talk to your television and it talks back
When there's a possibility of actually
hearing your own voice crackle over coast-
to-coast frequency as you chat up your
incredible acquisition and jocularly ban-
ter with the nice on-camera hawker. Why,
without straying from your pancled den,
you can become an instant national celeb-
rity (doing an endorsement, even!) and the
toast of your Kaffeeklatsch. “It’s the high-
est form of television," Barton twittered
“lt feeds on itself. Viewers get on the air,
say something about the product and, ulti-
mately, sell it for us. They're our best
salespcople."

Budget Bob Circosta, the mellifluous
senior flog artist of HSN, conveyed to me
the profound impact of interactive televi-
sion. "A young lady called me on the air
just about a month ago,” he said, "and
she was ordering an exercise bike. Well, as
we were talking, she told me that she was
pregnant and in labor. Her contractions

IHR Crown

“She just asked him if il was in yet."

were 12 minutes apart and her whole fam-
ily was gathered around her—mcaning
there was no danger. So | proceeded to
give her breathing exercises over the air,
since I'm familiar with Lamaze. I tell you,
we had a lot of fun with it! And the next
day, sooo many people called in to find
out whether she'd. delivered a boy or a
girl. In fact, it turned out to be a boune
Boy!” And, if there's a God, she named
the little piker Budget Bob.
А

The concept boggles—it's spontancor
s gripping; it’s real, truc-life human
drama played out live amid a veritable
mother lode of fabulous bargains. First,
women in labor; next, couples in bed!
Patients in hospitals! Trapped baby sitters
in maniacstalked homes! Geb me Ihe
police—and, say, that Pollenex air purifier
isn't a bad idea, either! Interactivity breeds
something even more thrilling than
instant celebrityhood—call it permissible
eavesdropping. Can video entertainment
get more vicarious than this?

“Listen, this is more exci

ng than some

of the soaps,” echoed Eleanor May
retailing expert and professor at the Un
versity of Virginia’s Darden Graduate
School for Business. “And it’s certainly
more exciting than the news.”

Or, to invoke the sagacious Budget Bob
again, “There's nothing negative on our
station—everything’s good! Viewers say
they watch us for 15 to 18 hours a day—
not only to buy things but to listen to the
phone calls from all over the country
"They hear the exotic drawls, the crazy
comments, the reasons for ordering. Is
fascinating for them."

Home-shopping junkies can justify their
passion in any number of ways. Ronald
Stampfl, professor of retailing manage-
ment at the University of Wisconsin, sug-
gested a dependency theory. “You can sit
and watch battery-operated gadgets, por-
celain figurines and jewelry for just so
long," he pointed out. “Then you're
almost anesthetized. These shows do cre-
ate an anesthetizing kind of selling value.
You're at their mercy: I just want to watch
ten more minutes and see what the next item
will be. It’s like an auction, and you don't
necessarily have to bid."

Then there's the compliance effect,
according to psychology instructor
Edward Hirt of Penn Statc. “These sales-
people seem to genuincly care about you
and have your best interests in mind," he
noted after glaring at CVN for a few
hours. “You begin to think they're your
friends and, in a sense, it's always harder
to turn down a friend.”

I sidled up to a few extremely friendly
CVN on-air personalities in Minneapolis
and asked about their previous broadcast
experience. It was almost negligible; all of
them, however, had selling backgrounds.
Talent manager Mark Brown asserted,
“Bottom line: These are sales jobs, not typi-
cal broadcast jobs. We're like pioneers.

Karen Connelly, a former hairdresser
who handles the morning shift with her
husband, Skip (Coffee with the Connellys),
told me her pre-cminent career qualifica
tion: “I have the gift of gab.”

Colleen. McCarthy-Lopez, a striking
strawberry blonde, said, "We are the
adopted siblings, kids and grandkids of
our viewers. I had a lady on the air last
week who said, ‘You know, honey, you
remind me of me 30 years ago!”

The most rabid fans of the phenome-
non, at this point, tend то be lonelyhearts,
housewives, seniors and handicapped peo-
ple. “Many times, however, true retail
forms come in at the bottom of the scale,”
observed Stampfl, who envisions a day
when Ralph Lauren will create fashion
lines to be sold only on shopping channels
“You're combining our national predilec-
tion for materialism with our addiction to
television and a get-yours-now kind of
impulsivencss,” he reasoned. "You've got
amazing potential for making a dent in
America’s consuming habits.”

As Peter Barton put it, “I have seen the
future and it is now. Most lonelyhearıs

can't buy Xerox computers, and we sell
tons of em. There is no turning back.
.

Over the course of several weeks, 1
struggled to Live Better Through Televi-
sion. My office Zenith flickered, night and
day, with deals, bargains, buys, closc-
outs, givcaways, goldathons, fashion
follies, silver steals and values aplenty—
most of them courtesy of Home Shopping
Network Number Two. (Alas, I'm not
cable-ready.) Imagine a fever dream set at
K mart and we'll be on the same wave
length. Horns toot incessantly, chunky
girls model furs, announcers wink a lot
and wear plaid on plaid, callers regularly
insist that their spouses will kill them for
running up credit lines and much ado is
made over synthetic gem stones. David
Letterman has been stumping for the abo-
lition of TV home shopping. This is why

And, yet, between pitches for red-white-
and-blue feather dusters and polyethylene
anniversary clocks, I began to sce stuff I
wouldn't mind owning. Miniature TV
sets. Portable telephones. Ionizers. Cord-
less shavers. Electronic pocket address-
books. HSN's prexy, Paxson, has said of
his wares, "Its everything you didn't
know you wanted, available quickly." As
soon as the braying hustle of the audio
began to sound commonplace, the idea of
actually participating, of bansacting, was
far less, um, distasteful. I thought, Why
should it be a concession to save money? To
bestow upon myself sensible, drastically
discounted booty? Can I afford not to pay
attention to this remarkable new conven-
ience of the 20th Century?

I waited for my opening. I grew tense.
"Then it appeared: an infrared-heat neck
cushion massager. Regularly retailing at
40 bucks, it would be mine for $19.75.
Problem was, I had less than a minute to
move on it (on HSN, you can buy what
you see only while you sec it). 1 reached for
phone, but it was already ringing
Another call. A shattered opportunity. I
was now consumed with somehow making
it up to myself—a teleshopper possessed,
if you will. I prepared to pounce on the
next irrefutably useful product

For reasons 1 will never entirely under-
stand, the Black & Decker Cordless Grass
Shcar caught my fancy. Maybe it was thc
markdown—from $66.95 to a very tidy
$21. Maybe it was the announcer's
breathless promise that this excellent
instrument could trim the edge of a two-
acre lot with onc charge. Maybe it was the
jaunty way it glimmered under the hot TV
lights. It matters little now. This morning,
by way of L.P.S. delivery, I became the
owner of a very handsome Grass Shear
True, I reside in an apartment and have
no lawn to speak of, much less shear
Nevertheless, 1 feel as though I did quite
nicely for myself.

Perhaps only Ralph Kramden would

understand.

zT

When the end of the day
isjust the beginning,
Jovan Evening Edition Musk.

© 1987 Beecham Cosmeties Inc.

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PLAYBOY

FINANCIAL EVANGELISTS

(continued from page 126)

“On it goes, a saga of mangled financial strategy,

squandered resources, Corporate Keystone Copdom. . . ."

1l last year. We needed the protection.
You're talking about s who found a pot
of gold. They're grossing а lot of money,
but their expenses are outrageous. They
simply saturated the seminar business and
got out five months too late. They'd
incurred expenses that had to bc paid—at
least a million, a million-two—so they
had to take from onc end of the business to
cover another, and before you know it, it
snowballed.”

Boy, oh, boy! You could get the bends
listening to this stuff I mean, here's
Lyndon, parked in the corner office above
this jumbo room full of girls hunched over
their desks, answering phones—a framed
cover of Tony’s blockbuster How to Negoti-
ate Successfully in Real Estate mounted like
a crucifix just below the ceiling behind
him—and he's spouting this . . . heresy.

“They figured, Hey, we're great negoti-
ators,” he says affectionately of Tony and
Bob. “They believed their own story." On
it goes, a saga of mangled financial strat-
egy, squandered resources, Corporate
Keystone Copdom that, weirdly enough,
has to make you like the £.M.M. team
even more. Sure, they’re nuts—all they
can do is .. . make money!

Just like Dave Del Dotto, the ex—

Modesto dry-waller whose Go for Your
Dreams is the hottest act out of Hawaii
since Don Ho. Advicewisc, Dave's Cash
Flow System is all over town. Government
loans, sheriffs auctions, 35 Ways to Buy
Foreclosures with No Money Down, How to
Apply for Over $100,000 of Unsecured
Credit Cards—that kind of stuff.

In fact, although he looks like a tanned
and blow-dried kind of guy—a man at
home in any condo— Dave's apparently
quite a donnish fellow, having devoted,
as he says, seven ycars of his life to
completing the multivolume, 1400-page,
12-cassette opus he sells for the remark-
ably low price of $289.

What sets Del Dotto apart, though, is
more than that impressive oeuvre; it's the
wondrous ur-telethon feel he's given his
production. “My Impossible Dream," as
2 recent episode is titled, opens with a
mcdium shot of Dave staring off over the
sca wall, out at the waves crashing against.
the rocks. This is, presumably, Dave's
dream home in Kona, Haw.

“Гуе made that dream a reality,” Dave
declares, indicating all this: the swollen
palms, the rocks, the big chunk of Oahu
just beyond the ropes that run behind his
perch. Of course, we never really see

Ao

“Pll have the sushi."

Dave's house. What he's done is sort of
stick a couch out here, right on the lip of
the beach. It's pretty impressive, Dave's
couch—big, fluffy, overstuffed, with
happy white pillows. And the way he’s
just plopped it out here, in the wild, lends
the entire show a sort of Sam Beckett-y,
Oahu Goes Existential feel. Just Dave, the
waves, the couch.

“Now it’s time for a great feature of our
show,” he says. “I just love this! Га like to
introduce, right now, the beautiful Bonet.
and the Kid Samson Band!”

After Bonet's number (and, no kidding,
if you close your eyes, you really can pre-
tend it's a telethon; Kid Samson and the
boys arc just like the greats who show up
оп the local feed on the Labor Day classic,
long about three a.n., when Jerry's back in
the greenroom with a can of 10W40,
greasing his hair down for the home
stretch), Dave does a sort of nutty cha-cha
from his existential couch over to the stage
for a Hollywood cuddle.

“Thank you, Bonet, that w s beautiful!
We'll be right back after this.

And then—this is the charm, the
magic, the triumph of motivational
television—Dave in polka dots on the
beach cuts to Dave ina business suitin the
studio. Fantastic! Out of his cha-cha mode
and back to biz. Dave is his own commer-
dal. "| used only three ingredients to
achieve my dreams and goals,” he's
explaining now, “and you can do it the
same way І did!"

Wondrous as this is, Dave eventually
weighs in with the heavy ammo. Holding
up volume one of his Cash Flow System,
“Creative Financing,” he asks a rhetorical
question: “Now what do you see, ladies
and gentlemen, when you sce this book?
and gentlemen, I don't see books
and tapes when I sec these things. What I
sce is people. When I look at volume onc,
l always think about Chad.”

Dave goes a tad misty-eyed as he
describes how Chad sat in the front row at
his L.A. seminar. He listened so intently.
“And, ladies and gentlemen, he purchased
my Cash Flow System. And he wrote me a
letter a few months later. . . .”

Well, what can I say? Гуе watched this
bit of docudrama maybe cight, nine times,
and I’m still weepy. “Ву the way, ladies
and gentlemen,”—Dave’s really on
here—‘‘the reason I think about Chad
buying 1400 pages of written material
is”—monstro pause for maximum
‚effect— "Chad was blind

Cr-r-r-unch! Before we can live this one
down, Dave cuts mercilessly to an old
Cash Flow Expo. Here, he gets right in
Chad's face and has him describe how he
did it. And Chad's terrific. A natural.
He's not one of those wobbly blind guys
like Stevic Wonder. He's just this reg-
Шаг kid—no equilibrium problems
whatsoever—with the nice Princeton, the
flyaway collar, the works. Everything
you'd look for in a Young Republican.

“You bought a house using “Creative

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PLAYBOY

140

Financing?" asks Dave.

“Sure have,” Chad bounces back. “It
was a foreclosure property. I borrowed the
money from an aunt of mine.”

Now, there's an investment strategy.
But never mind. Chad just prattles on
about the 47 thou with which he rein-
stated the loan, the $10,000 he returned to
his aunt and—drum roll, please—the 14
grand he pocketed for himself. You'd think
the kid was reading a TelePrompTer.
That's how smooth he is. But—my
mistake!—he’s blind. He's blind, and he
still has the low-down on no-down.

What we have here is the fiscal equiva-
lent of Oral Roberts’ snatching that old
lady's crutches, tossing them to the crowd,
laying on hands and stepping back to
watch her do a jig for Jesus. After that,
who could resist that toll-frce 800 number
when it flashed on the screen? Could you?

.

Big Picture-wise, it’s one of the great
ironies of American Entertainment-hood
that the more sophisticated the exploit-
able technology—a cable box in every
home!—the cruder the entrepreneurs who
crop up to use it. There’s a real penny-a-
ide-show feel to the Next Wave of
Evangelists, the ones who've
cropped up since the first furry of No
Money Downers, that makes just tuning
in the equivalent of lifting a tent flap to sce
the bearded lady or the Siamese twins.

Which means something. Such
standard-issue real-estate slaves as, say,
Ed Beckley, the Millionaire Maker, are on
the ropes. Ed has apparently been
plagued by returns—the bane of the Suc-
cess Kit industry. You've got to sock about
20 percent of your profits into escrow,
according to pros, to pay for the not-
satisficd-within-30-days crowd.

Front Porch’s right to Divine Prosperity,
the new breed has all but eschewed real
estate altogether. Face it: Real estate has
gone the way of disco and est. Today,
here at the Avant-Garde Branch of
Successdom, not only don't you have to
worry about buying and selling homes,
you don't even have to live in one. You can
work out ofa shack. Who cares? With the
Latest Trend in Success Tips, you . . .
hardly . . . even - . . have to speak!

I mean, what does it take to win at
lotto? To save a couple of silver dollars? To
fire a Spud Gun? It takes nothing. And for
the first time, loads of people with exactly
that are turning to their cable stations for
a course in miracles. Money miracles.
They're here—under the tent—staring
slack-jawed at Lottery Busters!, Get Rich
with Coins, Coß$man Secrets.

Even if you think you don't know
E. Joseph Cossman, you do. Unlike the
battery of other fiscal wizards, E. Joe has
actually donc something the world has
heard about. He's made his mark. He's
the man who invented the Ant Farm!

And that's not all! By way of fill-
ing us in on his American Institute of Suc-

cess, E. joe invites the supplicant
into the Coffman Game Room. “Mr.
Cossman"—that's how he's referred to
most of the show, even when hc talks
about himself—cuts a most striking fig-
ure. Stiff-necked, Mr. C. seems spawned
from the unlikely coupling of Eliot Ness
and Mister Rogers. He's got the Eliot Ness
crime-fighting "do—a steel-wool sweep
with a part that starts somewhere south of
his left car—and, more important, the
Ness demeanor, especially when he's
holding his Spud Gun, as he is now,
aiming the muzzle at the audience. Like
Mister Rogers, Mr. Co$$man ends his
sentences with a question. You know what
I mean: “Can you say franchise?”

Right off the top, though, the Co$$man
playhouse is great. Shelves stacked with
trophies and talismans of his own high-
prestige business triumphs. Fly Cake's
another Co$$man winner—a “solid insec-
ticide” shaped like a Dunkin’ Donut that
kills flies on contact. All this, plus minia-
ture flags, mementos and photos. (Is this
Cossman and the young Hemingway?
Cossman and Freud? It's hard to tell from.
this far away, and there's so much to look
at.)

And now, two minutes into the show,
our man’s shifting back to his Robert
Stack mode. He's standing there, cocking
an cyc at the camera, gun in onc hand,
fresh-peeled Idaho in the other.

“A few months ago, somebody askcd
me, Joe, how can I find a job that will pay
me $2000 a month and in three years
allow me to work up to $100,000 a year?"
My reply to that person was, “Hire your-
self. Give yourself a monthly salary of
$5000 and in three ycars walk away with
$1,000,000.” Now, would that sound like
wishful thinking to you . . . ?

“Well, let me give you a few examples of
how I did that,” he declares, his words a
staccato monotone with a coal-country
bottom. “Some time ago, I found the tool-
ing for this Spud Gun advertised in a trade
magazine. What is a Spud Gun? It’s a lit-
tle toy pistol and it shoots potato pellets
from an ordinary potato, Perfectly harm-
less, because the nibs of the potato are 98
percent water and will not harm a
child... .

“I made a total of over $200,000 on an
investment of $500. Just by reading a
trade magazine. Now, could you do thal?”
he asks ina Mister Rogers singsong. “Sure
you could!”

Could you do that? Sure! What you do,
see, is leaf through magazines, weed
through classifieds. That kind of thing.
Mr. CoS$man discovered the doughnut
insecticide in the classified section of his
daily newspaper. Turns out a couple of
guys in chemical warfare back in World
War Two were assigned to put an end to
the fly problem in the South Pacific.
What they came up with was Fly Cake.
“In three years, 1 sold 8,000,000 Fly
Cake,” he tells us. Not Fly Cakes, mind
you, Fly Cake. In the singular. That's how

E. Joe C. pronounces it.

E. Joc made another fortune
Rebull—a mailman’s dog repellent, origi-
nally called Halt, that he repackaged and
marketed to the tune of 300,000 at $2.98
each. “On my word of honor, In
the manufacturer, I never visited
tory. All I did was send him labels and he
did the drop-shipping for me,” he adds,
nailing down that hidden appeal for all
the anonymous, low-budge agoraphobiacs
in the viewing audience.

“Now, could you do something like
that?” It’s Mister Rogers again, taking
over his being. “With my direction, you
certainly could.”

Punching another button on the chan-
nel selector will get you Gail Howard, the
Lottery Queen, who wastes no time
marching her kind of people—Lottery
Busters!—past the droopy, confused, it-
shoulda-been-me stares of her fans in
Lotto Land. Lottery Busters!, another get-
rich-from-your-sofa show, offers the very
best in Cable Financial Pleasure.

First up is Manuel Garcete, a shy little
fellow dressed in Salvation Army castoffs.
His eyes glow veiny red; check out that
crawl: MANUEL GARCETE WHO WON THE
$13,700,000 JACKPOT IN THE NEW YORK STATE LOT-
TERY. HE'S ONE OF GAIL HOWARD'S LOTTERY BUST-
ERs. The camera guys hold on Manuel, the
winning cnvelope plastered across his
chest like an X-ray shield.

*You could be Manuel” is the implicd
message in that opening cameo. But
before even that bit of colorfulness can
sink in, here's a 6'11", 86-pound, Dumbo-
lobed fellow saying, "I played the lottery
for quite a few years without any luck—
then I started to usc Gail's system, and I
began to win.”

At first, of course, exactly what it is he
won is a little foggy—hut we do know for
sure it wasn't a frec appointment to have
his ears pinned back. But, wait, this guy's
telling us he won the Australian Gold
Lotto. And Gail—she's relentless!—
wastes no time at all before flashing the
third testimonial, with Wanda and Max
Harrell, a couple of crusty Canadian lot-
tery winners.

“Stay tuned,’ booms the announcer,
“for the most important half hour on
television!” There follows a shot of Gail
herself, seated on a wrap-around white
sectional between Joel Nadel, publisher of
the Lottery Buster newsletter and Gail’s
prompter, as well as a pair of young, blond
and inappropriately upscale kids called
the Morrises, Debra and Craig.

Gail herself, to borrow that computer
chestnut, is user-friendly. TV-friendly, if
you like. A hearty peroxide blonde, Gail's
poured her torso into a sensible dress for
the occasion. Not six inches to her right,
slouched on that pearly sectional, sits
Nadel. crawl says, PUBLISHER LOTTERY
Busters. Gail’s, of course, says, WINNER OF
s IN 12 MONTHS. Old Joel, a thin-
lipped, wire-rimmed-glasses guy, very
much in the Larry King mold, appears to

+

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"If you can Imagine the Turbo Porsche of the
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The comment referred to ESCORT's
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More power under the hood

While car makers talk about horsepower,
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"E

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Character reference

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Now...same-day shipping
We build ESCORT in Cincinnati and we
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ESCORT

RADAR WARNING RECEIVER
a)

Cincinnati Microwave
Department 00767

One Microwave Plaza
Cincinnati, Ohio 45249-9502

© 1987 Cincinnati Microwave, Inc.

PLAYBOY

M2

be there as his client's handler, keeping
the busty platinum blonde from just star-
ing off into the middle distance. No doubt
she was hot once, back in her beer-garden
days. But now, well, we don't love her for
her curves, we love her for her clusters.
Her number clusters, as a matter of fact.
See, Gail, we learn, put in time as a stock-
broker and later on as a commodities-
futures trader.

“So, you were a mathematician then?"
Deb's a real terrier when she gets going.

But nothing fazes our Gail. She's han-
dled tougher ones than that. “I do use
math,” she explains, pronouncing the
word as if it were some déclassé antibiotic,
something you would ingest to defuse a
pesky venereal wart but certainly not for
public discourse. “Charting and technical
analysis is a little bit different.”

Nothing really perks Gail up. She
doesn't smile, she doesn’t frown. She just
sort of responds. But the important thing is
she knows her number clusters. Right up
front, she’s ready to dispense a few of
those hard-won lotto tips, but not before
our pal Jocl gets the ball rolling. Joel
wants people to know that, despite what
they read in USA Today, those big head-

lines about $13,000,000 U.S. winners are
so much hog swaddle. “Most people don't
realize that what the states do is pay you
out over a 20-year period with a small
amount of money each year that builds up
eventually to that, so they're really buying
an annuity for you in your name. But
nobody gets a check for $13,000,000 when
they win, but [in] the international lotter-
ies, you do get it and they have methods
for doing it on a tax-free basis.
“Something like 87 percent of all win-
ning numbers are numbers which have
appeared sometime during the last ten
games as winners,” says Joel. That's the
kind of insider info you can take to the
bank. But not until one diminutive immi-
grant, a saflron gentleman who bows
humbly in the presence of the Blonde
Lotto Goddess, asks his question does
Gail's evangelical zeal ooze to the surface.
"T've tried a couple of times to win some-
thing, and I never win anything. So 1 give
up. What kind of hope is there for me?”
And here Gail really shi . Here the
evangelical impulse that—cynics, go
ahead and scofl—we've seen so clearly in
the work of E. Joe Cossman, Dave Del
Dotto, the entire advice-dispensing gaggle

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“Remember—only good, clean, safe sex.”

of guys in the know comes to the fore once
again. Gail has plainly taken to the air-
waves out of concern for fellow humans,
especially luckless little guys like the one
who just asked that question. Just because
she works in some grim math lab cranking
out pick-six strategies does not mean Gail
doesn't have a heart.

Au contraire! Just listen to the woman:
“Oh, there's hope for you! There's hope
for you. It's people like you, you're the
reason 1 write all these publications.”

“Of course,” points out Joel, “all these
large odds, like one in 500,000, are before
you've enhanced your winning percent-
age by 500 percent utilizing some of Gail's
system, which obviously brings the odds
down to much more manageable levels.

“Is a knowledge of math and memoriz-
ing formulas necessary to work your sys-
tem?” asks another hopeful.

“Absolutely not!” Gail is finally smil-
ing! “Pye done all the work for you!”

But then, they all have, haven't they?
"hat's why we love them. Why we need
them. It doesn't matter if it's Rehab Hous-
ing (with Russ Whitney, who projects his
canceled checks on the overhead so that
everyone knows he's on the up-and-up) or
Get Rich with Coins, where the host, Keith
Degreen, J.D., fights off apoplexy every
time his guest expert, Mr. Sperduti, the
Coin Man, tells him how much some

ing little 50-cent piece would be
worth now if he'd picked it up back in '56
and stashed it in his sock drawer. Degreen
just can't keep his regrets to himself. “Tell
me thats not enough to make a guy pull his
hair out!” he exclaims. Or, “Gosh, you
could just run ош and slit your throat when
ou think about it. A $60 investment, and the
return is $14,000!”

And it's going to get hetter. Although
nobody has come out and announced it
yet, the buzz is that before, say, Ed Meese
goes back to Oakland, around the end of
"B8, there's going to be a whole new net-

ernment Auctions, Winning at Canasta.
Making Millions in Chinchilla Skins.
Secret Fiscal Tips of the Incas,

Square business! Joc Land told me per-
sonally that he’s building his own studio
in Albuquerque. And word is Ed Beckley,
the giggly Millionaire Maker himself, has
threatened to bounce back bigger than
ever with the Success Channel, a cable
outlet for nothing but motivational shows.

For now, though, we'll just have to hang
on, grab! incentive where we can,
sending off for endless cassettes and secret
plans until the day we can just slap on the
Sony, set the dial and drift off for hour
afier uninterrupted hour of Motivation.
Inspiration. Bliss. TV that helps America
do what America does best: sit in front of
the TV and fecl like it ought to be doing
something else.

dadas TAHE
(continued from page 62)
is read onl

1 keyed his data implant and patched
mine in. He had $1500 in the bank and a
collateral rating of 16 thou, exactly as he
had claimed. We eyed each other very
carefully now. As I said, you never know
who the borgmanns are.

“You can do it right here in the park?"
he asked.

“You bet, Lean back, close your cyes,
make like you're snoozing in the sun. The
deal is that I take a thousand of the cash
now and you transfer five thou of the col-
lateral bucks to me, straight labor-
debenture deal. When you get through the
wall, I get the other
five hundred cash
and five thou more
on sweat security.
The rest you pay off
at threc thou a усаг,
plus interest, wher-
ever you are, quar-

life's savings to various accounts of mine,
payable as arranged, part now, part later.
He wasn't worth a nickel anymore, but he
was a free тап. That's not such a terrible
trade-off.

Oh, and the pardon was a valid onc. I
had decided not to write any stiffs while I
was in Los Angeles. A kind of sentimental
atonement, you might say, for the job I
had donc on that woman all those years
back.

You absolutely have to write stiffs once
in a while, you understand. So that you
don't look too good, so that you don't give
the Entities reason to hunt you down. Just
as you have to ration the number of par-
dons you do. I didn't have to be writing
pardons at all, of coursc. I could have just

The next one was a tiny Japanese
woman, the classic style, sleck, fragile,
doll-like. Crying in big wild gulps that 1
thought might break her in half, while a
gray-haired older man in a shabby bus
ness suit—her grandfather, you'd guess—
was trying to comfort her. Public crying is
a good indicator of Entity trouble.
“Maybe I can help," I said, and they were
both so distraught that they didn't even
bother to be suspicious

He was her father-in-law, not her
grandfather. The husband was dead,
killed by burglars the ycar before. There
were two small kids. Now she had
received her new labor-tax ticket. She had
been afraid they were going to send her
out to work on the wall, which, of course,
wasn't likely to hap-
pen: The assign-
ments are pretty
random, but they
usually aren't crazy.
and what use would
a 90-pound woman
be in hauling stone

terly key-ins. ГШ blocks around? The
program the whole father-in-law had
thing, including some friends who

beep reminders on
payment dates. It’s
up to you to make
your travel arrange-
ments, remember. I
can do pardons and
wall transits, but
I'm not a goddamn
travel agent. Are we
оп?”

He put his head
back and closed his
eyes.

“Go ahead,” he
said

It was fingertip
stuff, straight circuit
emulation, my stand-
ard hack. 1 picked
up all his identifica-
tion codes, carried
them into central,
found his records.
He seemed real,
nothing more or
less than he had
claimed. Sure enough, he had drawn a
lulu ofa labor tax, ten ycars on the wall. I
wrote him a pardon good for the first
seven of that. Had to leave the final three
on the books, for purely technical reasons,
but the computers weren't going to be able
to find him by then. I gave him a wall-
transit pass, too, which meant writing in a
new skills class for him, programmer third
grade. He didn’t think like a programmer
and he didn’t look like a programmer, but
the wall software wasn’t going to figure
that out. Now I had made him a member
of the human elite, the relative handful of
us who are free to go in and out of the
walled cities as we wish, In return for
these little favors, I signed over his entire

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authorized the system to pay me so much
a year, 50 thou, 100 thou, and taken it
easy forever. But where's the challenge in
that?

So I write pardons, but no more than I
need to cover my expenses, and I deliber-
ately fudge some of them, making myself
look as incompetent as the rest, so the
Entities don't have a reason to begin tr

ing to track the identifying marks of my
work. My conscience hasn't been too sore

about that. It’s a matter of survival, after
all. And most other pardoners are out-
and-out frauds, you know. At least with
me, you stand a better-than-even chance
of getting what you're paying for

.

were in the know,
and they managed
10 bring up the hid-
den encoding on her
ticket. The comput-
ers hadn't sent her
to the wall, no.
They had sent her
to Area Five. And
they had classified
her T.T.D. classifi-
cation.

“The wall would
have been better,”
the old man said.
"They'd sce right
away she wasn't
strong enough for
heavy work, and
they'd find some-
thing else, some-
thing she could do.
But Area Five? Who
back

ever
from that
“You know what

comes

Arca Five is?" I said.

“The medical-experiment place. And
this mark here, т\р I know what that
stands for, too.”

She began to moan again. I couldn't
blame her. T.T.D. means Test to Destruc-
tion. The Entities want to find out how
much work we can really do, and they feel
that the only reliable way to discover that
is to put us through tests that show where
the physical limits are

^I will dic," she wailed.
My babies!”

“Do you know what а pardoner is?” I
asked the father-in-law.

A quick, excited! response: sharp intake
of breath, eyes going bright, head nodding

My babies!

143

PLAYBOY

14

vehemently. Just as quickly, the excite-
ment faded, giving way to bleakness, help-
lessness, despa

“They all cheat you,” he said.

“Not all.”

“Who can say? They take your money,
they give you nothing.”

“You know that isn’t true. Everybody
can tell you stories of pardons that came
through.”

“Maybe. Maybe,” the old man said.
The woman sobbed quietly. “You know of
such a person?”

“For three thousand dollars,” I said, “I
can take the T. ). off her ticket. For five
more, І can write an exemption from serv-
ice good until her children arc in high
school.”

Sentimental me. A 50 percent discount,
and I hadn't суеп run an asset check. Fe
all I knew, the father-in-law was a mi
aire. But no; he'd have been off cutting a
pardon for her, then, and not sitting
arourd like this in Pershing Square.

He gave me a long, deep, appraising
look—peasant shrewdness coming to the
surface.

“How can we be sure of that?” he
asked.

I might have told him that I was the
king of my profession, the best of all par-
doners, a genius hacker with the truly
magic touch who could slip into any com-
puter ever designed and make it dance to
my tune. Which would have been nothing
more than the truth. But all I said was
that he'd have to make up his own mind,
that I couldn't offer any affidavits or guar-

antees, that I was available if he wanted
me and otherwise it was all the same to me
if she preferred to stick with her T.T.D.
ticket. They went off and conferred for a
couple of minutes. When they came back,
he silently rolled up his sleeve and pre-
sented his implant to me. | keyed his
credit balance: 30 thou or so, not bad. I
transferred eight of it to my accounts, half
to Seattle, the rest to Los Angeles. Then I
took her wrist, which was about two of my
fingers thick, and got into her implant and
wrote her the pardon that would save her
life. Just to be certain, I ran a double vali-
dation check on it. It’s always possible to
stiff a customer unintentionally, though
I've never done it. But I didn’t want this
particular one to be my first

“Go on," I said. “Home. Your kids are
waiting for their lunch."

Her eyes glowed. “If I could only thank
you somehow——"

“Гуе already banked my fce. Go. If you
ever see me again, don't say hello.”

“This will work?" the old man asked.

“You say you have friends who know
things. Wait seven days, then tell the data
bank that she's lost her ticket. When you
get the new one, ask your pals to decode it
for you. You'll scc. It'll be all right.”

I don't think he believed me. I think he
was more than half sure I had swindled
him cut of onc fourth of his life's savings,
and I could sce the hatred in his eyes. But
that was his problem. In a weck he'd find
out that I really had saved his daughter-

-law's life, and then he'd rush down to
the square to tell me how sorry he was

“This is the third time this week the
copier has been down.”

that he had had such terrible feelings
toward me. Only by then I'd be some-
where else, far away.

They shuffled out the cast side of the
park, pausing a couple of times to peer
over their shoulders at me as if they
thought I was going to transform them
into pillars of salt the moment their backs
were turned. Then they were gone.

I'd earned enough now to get me
through the week I planned to spend in
L.A. But 1 stuck around anyway, hoping
lor a little more. My mistake.

.

This one was Mr. Invisible, the sort of
man you'd never nı a crowd, gray
on gray, thinning hai
getic smile. But his eyes had a sl
get whether he started talking first to me,
or me to him, but pretty soon we were
jockeying around trying to find out things
about each other. He told me he was from
Silver Lake. I gave him a blank look. How
in hell am I supposed to know all the zil-
lion L.A. neighborhoods? Said that he had
come down here to sec someone at the big
government H.Q. on Figueroa Street. All
right: probably an appeals case. I sensed a
customer.

Then he wanted to know where I was
from. Santa Monica? West L.A.? Some-
thing in my accent, I guess. “I’m a travel-
ing man,” 1 said. “Hate to stay in one
place.” True enough. I need to hack or I
go crazy; if I did all my hacking in just one
city, I'd be virtually begging them to slap
a trace on me sooner or later, and that
would be the end. I didn’t tell him any of
that. “Came in from Utah last night.
Wyoming before that.” Not true, either
onc. “Maybe New Y next." He looked
at me as if I'd said I was planning a voy-
age to the moon. People out here, they
don’t go East a lot. These days, most peo-
ple don’t go anywhere.

Now he knew that 1 had wall-transit
clearance, or else that I had some ws
getting it when I wanted it. That was what
he was looking to find out. In no time at
all, we were down to basics.

He said he had drawn a new ticket, six
years at the salt-field-reclamation site out
back of Mono Lake. People die like May
flies out there. What he wanted was a
transfer to something softer, like Opera-
tions and Maintenance, and it had to be
within the walls, preferably in one of the
districts out by the ocean, where the air is
cool and clear. I quoted him a price and
he accepted without a

"Let's have your wrist,” I said.

He held out his right hand, palm
upward. His implant access was a pale-
yellow plaque, mounted in the usual place
but rounder than the standard kind and of
a slightly smoother texture. I didn’t see
any great significance in that, As I had
done maybe 1000 times before, I put my
own arm over his, wrist to wrist, access to
access. Our biocomputers made contact,
and instantly I knew I was in trouble.

Human beings have been carrying

biochip-based computers in their bodies
for the past 40 years or so—long before
the Entity invasion, anyway—but for
most people it's just something they take
for granted, like their vaccination mark.
They use them for the things they're
meant to be used for and don't give them a
thought beyond that. The biocomputer's
just a commonplace tool for them, like a
fork, like a shovel. You have to have the
hacker sort of mentality to be willing to
turn your biocomputer into something
more. That's why, when the Entities came
and took us over and made us build walls
around our cities, most people reacted just
like sheep, letüng themselves be herded
inside and politely staying there. The only
ones who can move around freely now—
because we know how to manipulate the
mainframes through which the Entities
rule us—are the hackers. And there aren't
many of us. I could tell right away that I
had hooked myself on to one now.

"The moment we were in contact, he
came at me like a storm.

The strength cf his signal let me know I
was up against something special and that
I'd been hustled. He hadn't been trying to
buy a pardon at all. What he was looking
for was a duel —Mr. Macho behind the
bland smile, out to show the new boy in
town a few of his tricks.

No hacker had ever mastered me in a
one-on-one anywhere. Not ever. 1 felt
sorry for him but not much.

He shot me a bunch of stulf, cryptic but
easy, just by way of finding out my param-
eters. 1 caught it and stored it and laid an
interrupt on him and took over the dialog.
My turn to test him. I wanted him to
begin to see who he was fooling around
with. But just as I began to execute, he put
an interrupt on ne. That was a new expe-
rience. I stared at him with some respect.

Usually, any hacker anywhere will rec-
ognize my signal in the first 30 seconds,
and that'll be enough to finish the inter-
change. He'll know that there's no point
i uing. But this guy either wasn't
able to identify me or just didn’t care, and
he came right back with his interrupt
Amazing. So was the stuff he began laying
оп me next.

He went right to work, really trying to
scramble my architecture. Reams of stuff
came flying at me up in the heavy-
megabyte zonc.

JSPIKE, ABLTAG. NSLICE. DZCNT

I gave it right back to him, twice as
hard.

MAXFRG. MINPAU. SPKTOT. JSPIKE

He didn't mind at all.

'AXDZ. SPKTIM. FALTER, NSLICE.

FROSUM. EBURST

IBURST.

PREBST

NOBRST.

Mexican standoff. He was still smiling.
Not even a trace of sweat on his forchead.
Something eerie about , something
new and strange. This is some kind of
borgmann hacker, I realized suddenly. He

must be working for the Entities, roving
the city, looking to make trouble for free-
lancers like me. Good as he was, and he
was plenty good, I despised him. A hacker
who had become a borgmann—now, that
was truly disgusting. I wanted to short
him. I wanted to burn him out. I had
never hated anyone so much in my life.

I couldn't do a thing with him.

I was baffled. I was the Data King, the
Megabyte Monster. All my life, I had
floated back and forth across a world in
chains, picking every lock I came across.
And now this nobody was tying me in
knots. Whatever I gave him, he parried;
and what came back from him was getting
increasingly bizarre. He was working with
an algorithm I had never scen before and
was having scrious trouble solving. After a
litle while, I couldn't even figure out
what he was doing to me, let alone what I
was going to do to cancel it. It was get
so 1 could barely execute. He was forcing
me inexorably toward a wetware crash.

“Who are you?" I yelled.

He laughed in my face.

And kept pouring it on. He was threat-
ening the integrity of my implant, going at
me down on the microcosmic level, attack
ing the molecules themselves. Fiddling
around with electron shells, reversing
charges and mucking up valences, clog-
ging my gates, turning my circuits to soup.
The computer that is implanted in my
brain is nothing but a lot of organic chem-
istry, after all. So is my brain. If he kept
this up, the computer would go and the
brain would follow, and I'd spend the rest
of my life in the bibble-babble academy

This wasn’t a sporting contest. This was
murder.

I reached for the reserves, throwing up
all the defensive blockages I could invent.
Things I had never had to usc in my life,
but they were there when I needed them,
and they did slow him down. For a
moment, I was able to halt his ball-
breaking onslaught and cven push him
back—and give myself the breathing
space to set up a few offensive combina-
tions of my own. But before I could get
them running, he shut me down once
more and started to drive me toward
Crashville all over again. He was
unbelievable.

1 blocked him. He came back aga
hit him hard and he threw the punch into
some other neural channel altogether and
it went fizzling away.

I hit him again. Again he blocked it.

"Then he hit me, and I went reeling and
staggering and managed to get myself
together when I was about three nanosec-
onds from the edge of the abyss.

I began to set up a new combination.
But even as I did it, I was reading the tone
of his data, and what I was getting was
solute cool confidence. He was waiting
for me. He was rcady for anything I could
throw. He was in that realm beyond mere
self-confidence into utter certainty

What it was coming down to was this

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PLAYBOY

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was able to keep him from ruining me, but
only just barcly, and I wasn't able to lay a
glove on him at all. And he seemed to have
infinite resources behind him. I didn't
worry him. He was tireless. He didn't
appear to degrade at all. He just took all I
could give and kept throwing new stuff at
me, coming at me from six sides at once.

Now I understood for the first time
what it must have fclt like for all the hack-
ers I had beaten. Some of them must have
felt pretty cocky, I suppose, until they ran
into me. It costs more to lose when you
think you're good. When you know you're
good. People like that, when they lose,
they have to reprogram their whole sense
of their relation to the universe.

I had two choices. I could goon fighting
until he wore me down and crashed me.
Or I could give up right now. In the cnd,
cvervthing comes down to yes or no, on or
off, one or zero, doesn't it?

I took a deep breath. I was staring
straight into chaos.

“All right," I said. “I'm beaten. I
quit."

I wrenched my wrist frec of his, trem-
bled, swayed, went toppling down onto
the ground

A minute later, five cops jumped me
and trussed me up like a turkey and
hauled me away, with my implant arm
sticking out of thc package and a security
lock wrapped around my wrist, as if they
were afraid I was going to start pulling
data right out of the air.

.

Where they took me was Figueroa
Street, the big black-marble 90-story job
that is the home of the puppet city govern-
ment. I didn’t give a damn. I was numb.
They could have put me in the sewer and I
wouldn't have cared. I wasn’t damaged—
the automatic circuit check was still run-
ning and it came up green—but the
humiliation was so intense that I felt
crashed. I felt destroyed. The only thing I
wanted to know was the name of the
hacker who had done it to me.

The Figueroa Street building has ceil-
ings about 20 feet high everywhere, so that
there is room for Entities to move around.
Voices reverberate in those vast open
spaces like echoes in a cavern. The cops
sat me down in a hallway, still all
wrapped up, and kept me there for a long
time. Blurred sounds went lolloping up
and down the passage. I wanted to hide
from them. My brain felt raw. I had taken
onc hell ofa pounding.

Now and then, a couple of towering
Entities would come rumbling through the
hall, tiptoeing on their tentacles in that
weirdly dainty way of theirs. With them
came a little entourage of humans whom
they ignorcd entirely, as they always do.
They know that we're intelligent, but they
just don't care to talk to us. They let their
computers do that, via the borgmann
interface, and may his signal degrade for-
ever for having sold us out. Not that they

wouldn't have conquered us anyway, but
Borgmann made it ever so much easier for
them to push us around by showing them
how to connect our little biocomputers to
their huge mainframes. 1 bet he was very
proud of himself, too: just wanted to sec if
his gadget would work, and to hell with
the fact that he was selling us into eternal
bondage.

Nobody has ever figured out why the
Entities are here or what they want from
us. They simply came, that’s all. Saw.
Conquered. Rearranged us. Put us to
work doing god-awful unfathomable tasks.
Like a bad dream.

And there wasn’t any way we could
defend ourselves against them. Didn't
seem that way to us at first—we were
cocky; we were going to wage guerrilla
war and wipe them out—but we learned
fast how wrong we were, and we are theirs
for keeps. There's nobody left with any-
thing close to freedom except the handful
of hackers like me; and, as Гуе explained,
we're not dopey enough to try any serious
sort of counterattack. It’s a big enough tri-
umph for us just to be able to dodge
around from one city to another without
having to get authorization.

Looked like all that was finished for me
now. Right then, I didn't give a damn. I
was still trying to integrate the notion that
I had been beaten; I didn’t have capacity
left over to work on a program for the new
life I would be Icading now.

“Is this the pardoner over here?" some-
onc said.

“That one, yeah.”

“She wants to sec him now."

“You think we should fix him up a little
first?"

“She said now.”

A hand at my shoulder, rocking me gen-
Чу. “Up, fellow. It's interview time. Don't
make a mess or you'll get hurt.”

T let them shuffle me down the hall and
through a gigantic doorway and into an
immense office with a ceiling high enough
to give an Entity all the room it would
want. I didn't say a word. There weren't
any Entities in the office, just a woman in
a black robe, sitting behind a wide desk at
the far end. It looked like a toy desk in
that colossal room. She looked like a toy
woman. The cops left me alone with her.
Trussed up like that, I wasn't any risk.

*Are you John Doc?" she asked.

I was halfway across the room, studying
my shoes. “What do you think?" I said.

"That's the name you gave upon entry
to the city.”

“T give lots ofnames. John Smith, Rich-
ard Roc, Joe Blow. It doesn't matter much
to the gate software what name I give.”

“Because you've gimmicked the gate?"
She paused. “I should tell you, this is a
court of inquiry.”

“You already know everything I could
tell you. Your borgmann hacker’s been
swimming around in my brain.”

“Please,” she said. “This’ll be easier if

you cooperate. The accusation is illegal
entry, illegal seizure of a vehicle and ille-
gal interfacing activity, specifically, selling
pardons. Do you have a statement?"

“No.”

“You deny that you're a pardone:

“I don't deny, I don't affirm. What's
the goddamned use?”

“Look up at me,” she said.

“That's a lot of effort.”

“Look up,” she said. There was an odd
edge to her voice. "Whether you're a par-
doner or not isn't the issue. We know
you're a pardoner. / know you're a par-
doner." And she called me by a name I
hadn't used in a very long time. Not since
736, as a matter of fact.

1 looked at her. Stared. Had trouble
believing I was seeing what I saw. Felt a
rush of memories come flooding up. Did
some mental editing work on her face, tak-
ing out some lines here, subtracting a little
flesh in a few places, adding some in oth-
ers. Stripping away the years.

“Yes,” she said. “I’m who you think I
am."

I gaped. This was worse than what the
hacker had done to me. But there was no
way to run from it.

“You work for them?” I asked.

“The pardon you sold me wasn't any
good. You knew that, didn't you? I had
someone waiting for me in San Diego, but
when I tried to get through the wall, they
stopped me just like that and dragged me
away screaming. I could have killed you. I
would have gone to San Diego and then
we would have tried to make it to Hawaii
in his boat."

“I didn't know about the guy in San
Diego," I said.

“Why should you? It wasn't your busi-
ness. You took my money, you were sup-
posed to get me my pardon. That was the
deal."

Her eyes were gray with golden sparkles
in them. I had trouble looking into them.

“You still want to kill me?” I asked.
“Are you planning to kill me now?”

“No and no." She used my old name
again. “] can't tell you how astounded I
was when they brought you in here. A par-
doner, they said. John Doe. Pardöners,
thats my department. They bring all of
them to me. I used to wonder years ago if
they'd ever bring you in, but after a while I
figured, No, not a chance; he's probably a
million miles away, he'll never come back
this way again. And then they brought in
this John Doe, and I saw your face."

“Do you think you could manage to
believe,” I said, "that Гус felt guilty for
what I did to you ever since? You don't
have to believe it. But it's the truth.”

“Pm sure it's been unending agony for
you."

“I mean it. Please. I’ve stifled a lot of
people, yes, and sometimes I've regretted
it and sometimes I haven't, but you were
one that I regretted. You're the one Гуе

2

regretted most. This is the absolute
truth.”

She considered that. I couldn't tell
whether she believed it even for a fraction
of a second, but I could see that she was
considcring it.

“Why did you do it?” she asked after a
bit.

“TI stiff people because I don't want to
seem perfect" I told her. *You dcliver a
pardon every single time, word gets
around, people start talking, you start
to become legendary. And then you're
known everywhere, and sooner or later the
Entities get hold of you, and that's that. So
I always make sure to write a lot of stifls. I
tell people ГЇЇ do my best, but there aren't
any guarantees, and sometimes it doesn't
work.”

“You deliberately cheated me.”

"Yes

“I thought you did. You seemed so cool,
so professional. So perfect. 1 was sure the
pardon would be valid. I couldn't see how.
it would miss. And then I got to the wall
and they grabbed me. So I thought, That
bastard sold me out. He was too good just
to have flubbed it up.” Her tone was calm,
but the anger was still in her eyes.
"Couldn't you have stifled the next one?
Why did it have to be me?"

1 looked at her for a long time.

“Because I loved you,” I said.

“Shit,” she said. “You didn't even know
me. I was just some stranger who had
hired you."

“That's just it. There I was full of all
kinds of crazy instant lunatic fantasies
about you, all of a sudden ready to turn
my nice, orderly life upside down for you,
and all you could sec was somebody you
had hired to do a job. I didn't know about
the guy in San Diego. All 1 knew was I
saw you and | wanted you. You don't
think that's love? Well, call it something
else, then, whatever you want. I never let
myself feel it before. lt isn't smart, I
thought: it ties you down, the risks are too
big. And then I saw you and I talked to
you a little and I thought something could
be happening between us and things
started to change inside me, and I
thought, Yeah, yeah, go with it this time,
let it happen, this may make everything
different. And you stood there not seeing
it, not even beginning to notice, just jab-
bering on and on about how important the
pardon was for you. So I stiffed you. And
afterward I thought, Jesus, I ruined that
girl's life and it was just because I got
myself into a snit, and that was a fucking
petty thing to have done. So Гус been
sorry ever since. You don't have to believe
that. Edidn't know about San Diego. That
makes it even worse for me.” She didn't
say anything all this timc, and the silence
felt enormous. So after a moment 1 said,
“Tell me one thing, at least. That guy who
wrecked me in Pershing Square: Who was
jig

“He wasn't anybody," she said.

“What does that mean?”

“He isn't a who. He's a what. It’s an
android, a mobile antipardoner unit,
plugged right into the big Entity main-
frame in Culver City. Something new that
we have going around town.”

“Oh,” I said. “Oh.”

“The report is that you gave it onc hell
of a workout."

“It gave me one, too. Turned my brain

half to mush.”
u were trying to drink the sea
through a straw. For a while, it looked like
you were really going to do it, too. You're
опе goddamned hacker, you know that?”

“Why did you go to work for them?" I
said.

She shrugged. "Everybody works for
them. Except people like you. You took
everything I had and didn’t give me my
pardon. So what was I supposed to do?”

Ice

“It’s not such a bad job. At least I'm
not out there on the wall. Or being sent off.
for T.T.D.”

“No,” I said. “It’s probably not so bad.
If you don't mind working in a room with
such a high ceiling. Is that what's going to
happen to me? Sent off for T.T.

“Don't be stupid. You're too valuable.”

“To whom?"

“The system always needs upgrading.
You know it better than anyone alive.
You'll work for us.”

“You think Im going to turn borg-
mann?" I said, amazed

“It beats T.T.D.,” she said.

I fell silent again. I was thinking that
she couldn't possibly be serious, that
they'd be fools to trust me in any kind оѓ
responsible position. And even bigger
fools to let me near their computer.

“All right,” I said. “ГИ do it. On one
condition.”

“You really have balls, don't

“Let me have a rematch that
android of yours. I need to check some-
thing out. And afterward we can discuss
what kind of work l'd be best suited for
here. OK?”

“You know you aren't in any position to.
lay down conditions.”

“Sure I am. What I do with computers
is a unique art. You can't make me do it
against my will. You can’t make me do
anything against my will.”

She thought about that. “What good is
arematch?”

“Nobody ever beat me before. I want a
second try.”

“You know it'll be worse for you than
before.”

“Let me find that out.”

“But what's the point?"

“Get me your android and ГЇЇ show you

with it. Maybe it was
curiosity, maybe it was something else,
but she patched herself into the computer

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148

net and pretty soon they brought in the
android I had encountered in the park, or.
maybe another one with the same facc. It
looked me over pleasantly, without the
slightest sign of interest.

Somconc came in and took the security
lock off my wrist and left again. She gave
the android its instructi and it held out
its wrist to me and we made contact. And
I jumped right in.

I was raw and wobbly and pretty
damned battered, still, but I knew what Т
nceded to do and I knew ] had to do it
fast. The thing was to ignore the android
completely—it was just a terminal, it w
just a unit—and go for what lay behin
So I bypassed the android’s own identity
program, which was clever but shallow. |
went right around it while the android was
still setting up its combinations, dived
underneath, got myself instantly from the
unit level to the mainframe level and gave
the mastcr Culver City computer a hcarty
handshake.

Jesus, that felt good!

All that power, all those millions of
megabytes squatting there, and 1 was
plugged right into it. Of course, 1 felt like a
mouse hitchhiking on the back of an ele-
phant. That was all right. I might be a
mouse, but that mouse was getting a tre-
mendous ride. I hung on tight and went
soaring along on the hurricane winds of
that colossal machine.

And as I soared, I ripped out chunks of
the double handful and tossed them
to the breeze.

It didn't even notice for a good tenth of
a second. That's how big it was. There I
was, tearing great blocks of data out of its
gut, joyously ripping and rending. And it
didn't know it, because even the most
magnificent computer ever assembled is
still stuck with operating at the speed of
light, and when the best you can do is
186,000 miles a second, it can take quite a
while for the alarm to travel the full dis-
tance down all your neural channels. That
thing was huge. Mouse riding on elephant,
did I say? Amoeba piggybacking on Bron-
tosaurus was more like it.

God knows how much damage | was
able to do. But, of course, the alarm cir-
cuitry did cut in eventually. Internal gates
came clanging down and all sensitive
arcas were sealed away and I was
shrugged off with the greatest of ease.
There was no sense in staying around,
ig to get trapped, so 1 pulled myself

free.
I had found out what I needed to know.

Where the defenses were, how they
worked. "This timc the computer had
kicked me out, but it wouldn't be able to
the next. Whenever I wanted, I could go
in there and smash whatever I felt like.

The android crumpled to the carpet. It
was nothing but an empty husk now.

"It makes me dizzy when I think of all the dames
who'll get laid in these rooms."

Lights were flashing on the office wall.

She looked at me, appalled. “What did
you do?”

“I beat your android,” I said. “It
wasn't all that hard, once I knew the
scoop.”

“You damaged the main computer."

“Not really. Not much. I just gave ita
little tickle. It was surprised seeing me get
access in there, that's all."

“I think you really damaged it.”

“Why would I want to do that?"

"The question ought to be why you
haven't donc it already. Why you haven't
gone in there and crashed the hell out of
their programs,

“You think 1 could do something like
that?"

She studied me. “I think maybe you
could, yes.”

“Well, maybe so. Or maybe not. But
Pm not a crusader, you know. I like my
life the way it is. I move around; I do as I
please. It's a quiet life. I don't start revo-
ns. When I need to mick things, I
gimmick them just enough and no morc.
And the Enti don't even know I exist.
ІСІ stick my finger in their eye, they'll cut
my finger off. So I haven't done it.

“But now you might," she said.

I began to get uncomfortable. “I don't
follow you,” I said, though I was begin-
ning to think that I did.

"You don't like risk. You don't like
being conspicuous. But if we take your
freedom away, if we tic you down in L.A.
and put you to work, what the hell would
you have to lose? You'd go right in there.
You'd gimmick things but good." She was
silent for a time. “Yes,” she said. “You
really would. I see it now, that you have
the capability and that you could be put in
a position where you'd be willing to use it.
And then you'd screw everything up for
all of us, wouldn't you?"

"What?"

“You'd fix the Entities, sure. You'd do
such a job on their computer that they'd
have to scrap it and start all over again.
Isn't that so?”

She was on to me, all right.

“But Pm not going to give you the
chance. I’m not crazy. There isn’t going to
be any revolution and lm not going to be
its heroine and you aren't the type to be a
hero. I understand you now. It isn't safe to
fool around with you. Because if anybody
did, you'd take your little revenge, and
you wouldn't care what you brought down
on everybody clse's head. You could ruin
their computer, but then they'd come
down on us and they'd make things twice
as hard for us as they already are, and you
wouldn't сагс. We'd all suffer, but you
wouldn't care. No. My life isn't so terrible
that I you to tum it upside down for
me. You've already done it to me once. I
don't nced it again."

She looked at me steadily, and all the
anger scemed to be gone from her and

there was only contempt left.

After a little while, she said, “Can you
go in there again and gimmick things so
that there's no record of your arrest
today?"

“Yeah. Yeah, I could do that."

“Do it, then. And then get going. Get
the hell out of here, fast."

“Are you seriou:

“You think Pm not?”

I shook my head. I understood. And I
knew that I had won and I had lost at the
same time.

She made an impatient gesture, a shoo-
fly gesture.

I nodded. I felt very, very small.

“I just want to say, all that stuff about
how much I regretted the thing I did to
you back then—it was true. Every word
of it.”

“It probably was,” she said. “Look, do
your gimmicking and cdit yourself out,
and then I want you to start moving. Out
of the building. Out of the city. OK? Do it
real fast.”

I hunted around for something else to
say and couldn't find it. Quit while you're
ahead, I thought. She gave me her wrist
and I did the interface with her. As my
implant access touched hers, she shud-
dered a little. It wasn't much ofa shudder,
but I noticed it. I felt it, all right. I think
I'm going to feel it every time I stiff any-
one, ever again. Any time I even think of
stiffing anyone.

I went in and found the John Doe arrest
entry and got rid of it, and then I searched
out her civil-service file and promoted her
up two grades and doubled her pay. Not
much of an atonement. But what the hell,
there wasn't much I could do. Then I
deaned up my traces behind me and
exited the program.

“All right,” I said. “It’s done.”

“Fine,” she said and rang for her cops.

They apologized for the case of mi:
taken identity and let me out of the build-
ing and turned me loose on Figueroa
Street. It was late afternoon, and the
street was getting dark and the air was
cool. Even in Los Angeles, winter is wi,
ter, of a sort. I went to a street access and
summoned the Toshiba from wherever it
had parked itself, and it came driving up
five or ten minutes later, and 1 told it to
take me north. The going was slow, rush-
hour stuff, but that was OK. I went to the
wall at the Sylmar gate, 50 miles or so out
of town. The gatekeeper asked me my
name. “Richard Roc,” I said. “Beta Pi
Upsilon, ten-four-three-two-four-X. Des-
tination San Francisco.”

It rains a lot in San Francisco in the
winter. Still, it’s a pretty town. I would
have preferred Los Angeles at that time of
year, but what the hell, Nobody gets all
his first choices all the time. The gate
opened and the Toshiba went through.
Easy as Beta Pi.

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RUBBERS FROM RONNIE

(continued from page 112)

*In the years Ronald Reagan has been in office, the
condom program has, well, ballooned."

“This may be the leası-known nonclas-
sified program in Washington," he said.
“Its not something we put out in press
releases.”

About the only thing most people knew
about the rubber program was what
Senator Denton knew: lt is handled by
a State Department branch called AID.
Given the outbreak of acquired-immune-
deficien syndrome, this collection of
condom igpins has the most unfortu-
nate. if appropriate, acronym since Nixon's
Committce to Re-Elect the President.

After being grilled at length about my
intentions by an AID press officer, 1 met
John Dumm, who was then associate
director for operations in the Office of
Population, which the locals call the Pop
Office.

“AID is a many-splintered thing,”
Dumm said about 15 times, carefully
enunciating splintered so I would under-
stand. The leitmotiv of his comments was
“We don't do anything except provide
money and technical assistance. It's their
[the individual countries'] program."

Dumm me chasing after nongov-
ernmental groups that receive about half
ofthe Pop Office's budget. Population Serv-
ices International (P.S.L) and a dozen or
so others are contract organizations whose
survival depends on Uncle Sam. They
exist in the gray arca between public
health programs and the commercial mar-
ket place, handling AID’ssocial-marketing
programs, the subsidized retail sales of
contraceptives. They also act as a buffer
between America and foreign gover-
ments. If political leaders in, say, El Sal-
vador don't want local people to know
that they are accepting rubbers from capi-
talist oppressors, P.S.I. acts as a non-
governmental middleman— sort of like
Eugene Hasenfus—and administers the
program.

Robert L. Ciszewski was P.S.1.’s execu-
tive director. He is a middle-aged man
with the bored, detached humor of some-
one temporarily trapped on planet earth
He told me that the Holy Grail of AID's
population program was a knowledge of
how much money was being spent on each
person for protection against conception.
If AID could determine coital-frequency
rates for every person using contraceptives
in every country receiving them, then the

U. ernment would know the elusive,
chimerical and long-sought C.P.F.—cost
per fück.

The Reagan Administration also hires
groups such as the Program for the Intro-
duction and Adaptation of Contraceptive
Technology (PIACT), whose role it is to
teach people how to put on rubbers, not to.

re-use them—that kind of stuff.

1 finally figured that Dumm had sent
me on a snipe hunt; all these groups were
decoys, protective satellites dropping
clouds of studies and reports while block-
ing the view of the big, benevolent mother
ship—AID—that was the source of the
rubbers.

A few miles from downtown Washing-
ton, across the river in Rosslyn, Virginia,
s AID satellite building
that houses. the Pop Office's world-wide
command post. Telephones ring with calls.
from Nepal, Brazil and Morocco. Priority
teletypes from Bangladesh and Pakistan
request more rubbers.

Steven Sinding, a Foreign Service offi-
cer, was then the Big Daddy of the Pop
Office, which he described as ightning-
rod sort of agency. He stared out his
dow across the Potomac as if checking his
defenses.

“Ifthe Moral Majority sees an article in
PLAYPOY on population control. . ..” His
voice faded away and hc shook his head.
"That group has a lot of influence in
Washington."

Sinding also worries about Catholics,
Right-to-Lifers, do-gooders, women’:
bers and cons ives such as Senator
Jesse Helms. In fact, the way people at the
Pop Office talked about Helms, I expected
to scc lurch through the door any
minute with his knuckles striking sparks
off the floor.

Sinding shoved papers across his desk
showing what had happened the previous
vear. The State Department had worked
itself into a lather when someone revealed
that shaped condoms were going to Egypt.
bles demanded immediate justification
nd asked why good old straight-shank
condoms would not suffice. But whoever
leaked the cables to the press did not know
about the millions of rubbers in AID's
regional office budgets, or the additional
political funds, and Sinding was able to
keep the lid on.

The irony of all th that in between
furtive glances over their shoulders, pco-
ple in the Pop Office are almost evangeli-
cal in telling how they scek to fill one of
mankind’s most pressing needs: control of
a runaway population. And considering
that AIDS is nobody's idea of a good way
to keep the numbers down, they have
every right to proudly preach the gospel of
condoms.

The sermon begins with the genesis of
the Pop Office bac the early Si Tt
was the brain child of such idealistic liber-
als as Senators Hubert Humphrey and
William Fulbright, men who believed that
rapid population growth was slowing the

development of Third World countries.
The idea was to curb population growth
and thereby enable millions of people to
enjoy a higher standard of living.

In 1965, 1966 and 1967, the Pop Office
spent a total of about $10,000,000 as it
began buying contraceptives.

By 1970, AID's population budget was
$75,000,000. In 1985, it was $288,000,000.

It is by coincidence—not by design, as
my friend the condom mogul believes—
that in the years Ronald Reagan has been
in office, the condom part of the program
has, well, ballooned. The change came
about for several reasons. Moslem coun-
tries, which had long opposed condom:
became—in AID's word—desensit
and began accepting that form of birth
contro. Pakistan, a big recipient, re-
entered the program. The Bangladesh
program grew rapidly. Africa began to
open up.

In 1981, the Reagan Administration
sent about 234,000,000 rubbers over-
seas—almost 100,000,000 more than the
previous year. By 1984, the number was
closer to 560,000,000. In 1985, it reached
568,000,000.

To accomplish their essential goal—
the reduction of a runaway global popu-
lation—AID missions around the world
create a demand by encouraging local
governments to accept an entire range
of contraceptives, including condoms.
AID buys the condoms and sends them
to some 70 countries, where they are giv-
en away or sold for а token amount.

Asked about Pop’s successes, Sinding
pointed to Thailand, where Mech:
Viravaidya runs a population program.
He advocates birth control with such
hucksterism that in his country, a condom
is called a Mechai.

His calling card is a pack of condoms
that contains instructions for use. The last
line says, “Now smile." He hands out con-
doms to diplomats and gives them to cops
in what he calls—honestly, now—his
cops-and-rubbers program. He has had
monks bless shipments of condoms, and
he talks politicians and entertainers into
stagi condom-inflating contests on
television.

Mechai has popularized colored con-
doms in Thailand by telling people they
can use red condoms on Sundays, yellow
on Mondays, green on Wednesdays and
black when they are in mourning.

Sinding thought Mechai’s ideas were
great. “If you talk about condoms for a
long cnough time, people get used to
them,” he said.

Ciszewski of P.S.]. tried to emulate the
Thai condom king’s approach in Mexico.
He put condoms in packages labeled surer-
MACHO and TAMAÑO EXTRAGIGANTE (extra-
big size). But AID rubber barons had
nightmares about femini picketing
their offices arm in arm with Baptist min-
isters, so they panicked and prematurely
pulled out of the Supermacho program.

Despite that adventurous failure, offi

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PLAYBOY

152

still believe that innovative marketing is
the key to increased use of condoms in
Third World countries. Say you live in the
boonies of Bangladesh, a country AID
considers a rubberized success story, and
your entire existence is a struggle for sur-
vival. Sex is the only fun in your life. You
have been taught that semen is a health
tonic for women and that condoms can
cause impotence. Along comes some guy
like Ciszewski, waving a red rubber. Your
normal impulse would be to wrap it
around his neck. But marketing can pre-
vent that.

In 1985, 80 percent of the condoms
AID bought went to Bangladesh and
Pakistan—228,000,000 to each country.
Although the program is now going
strong, largely because of aggressive sales
efforts, it almost ended before it began.
P.S.I. had filled an airplane with leaflets
about pastel condoms and had them
dropped over major cities in Bangladesh.
Some fell inside the walls of a mosque.

That misdelivery is now behind the
agency, and the Bangladeshis red. Raja
may be the best-known condom in the
world. (Actually, itis a bright pink. In the
early days of the program, red and black
condoms were introduced, but their colors
leached, causing users moments of stark
panic. The pink ones, blessedly, have heen
made colorfast.)

We may consider pastel condoms a bit
frivolous, but people in developing na-
tions, where there is no history of condom
use, love them. Still, AID must pick the
colors carefully. In the early days of the
program, green condoms were sent to
Bangladesh. But the color green is sacred
in Islam, and it figures prominently in the
flags of most Moslem countries. So putting
on a green condom could be construed as
an offense to patriotism and to Allah at the
same time.

A great deal of thought goes into con-
dom names. Moonbeam condoms are big
in Sri Lanka. Condor, the rubber with the
buzzard on the package, is popular in El
Salvador. Nicaragua has been shut out on
the condom front, but there could be pen-
etration from both the north and the south
as Honduras receives Guardian condoms
and Costa Rica receives the Baron brand.
When someone came up with a Conquis-
tador condom for Guatemala, AID backed
out, once again afraid that feminists would
object to a condom whose name meant
“conqueror.”

While AID sends colored, light-bulb-
shaped and extra-thin condoms overseas,
it docs not distribute the popular textured
condoms. “You can go only so far because
of politics," one burcaucrat said. “Having
fun is out. If Senator Helms thought some-
body was having fun with what we do,
we'd be dead. People would say we were
promoting promiscuity.”

For the same reason, AID had for years
talked of condoms as contraceptives, never
as a way of preventing disease. Ironically
enough, U.S. television stations are now

beginning to accept condom ads because
of the AIDS scare, and the pitch must be
health-oriented.

There are signs that things may be
changing in the Pop Office as well.
Anthony Boni, AID's top condom buyer,
said that “because of the AIDS problem,
we will be adding funds for condoms, par-
ticularly for Africa." He went on to point
out that with infection rates reaching 30
percent in women who visit hospitals for
prenatal care in some African countries, the
prophylactic, or disease-preventive, mis-
sion of condoms is now gaining currency.

.

Former Pop Office director Sinding
went on the defensive when asked about
problems in the rubber program.

“This is one of the most successful
things AID has ever done,” he said.
“There is only anecdotal evidence of any
problems.”

So let's get anecdotal.

The Alabama factory where AID's con-
doms are manufactured is in the heart of
gnat country. Near the factory door are
electric machines that snap, crackle and
pop with the sound of gnats being zapped.
But a few slip through. And occasionally,
опе lands on a form emerging from a vat of
latex and is entombed in the walls of a
condom.

Given the prohibi against ribbed
condoms, it is a safe bet that Senator.
Helms would frown on gnat-studded rub-
bers as well. So the factory is diligent
about removing thesc novelty items from
the pipeline.

"The biggest problem AID has is storing
and effective distribution of hundreds of
millions of condoms in 70 countries. The
agency pays The Centers for Disease Con-
trol in Atlanta $1,600,000 annually to
advise it on logistics and other technical
areas, and CDC says the problems are so
great that a ten percent waste factor
should be subtracted from the total num-
ber of condoms sent to a given country.

That means that of the 568,000,000 con-
doms that went overseas in 1985, about
58,000,000 may have been wasted. What
happened?

Bugs got at them, for openers. Termites
chew into boxes and leave little piles of
crap all over the place. So do rats.

Until the manufacturer changed the for-
mula, the lubricant in which condoms are
packed was turning gray.

Officials in the Sudan warehoused con-
doms by simply stacking them in the des-
ert, where heat caused the latex to deteriorate.

So over the years, AID has had to throw
away hundreds of millions of condoms.
Asked how many, Sinding shrugged and
said he didn’t know.

When he was asked about the usage
problems, he fidgeted and looked around
as ifto make sure that Senator Helms was
not hiding behind a Dieffenbachia. Then
he mumbled something about a minor
problem in Africa.

It secmed that the men of Kenya liked

to wear condoms. All the time. You could
walk through the villages and see these
guys sitting around wearing pastel con-
doms. And that's not all. Kenyans
thought that the nipple end, the reservoir
for semen, should be pulled tightly over
the end of the penis. They bitched con-
stantly about how uncomfortable this was.

So Sinding sent in experts to teach the
locals to leave some space at the end and
not to put on a rubber until ready to do
the deed.

The reason for many of these problems
is simply the ungodly volume of rubbers
sent around the world. The men from Pop
‚order rubbers for entire countries. That
process begins with their trying to figure
out how often aid recipients need them.
People in Government do that sort of
research. Someone somewhere decided the
average use was twice per weck, or about
100 condoms per man per year.

"There are variations on the norm, of
course. In India, 70 condoms are consid-
ered enough to last a year. But when CDC
was trying to determine coital-frequency
rates in Dominica, women there laughed
at the 100-per-year figure. They said that
240 condoms, or almost five per week,
were needed on that hot little island.

After talking with Sinding, I went down
the hall to the office of Don Newman, then
chief of AID's Commodities and Program
Supports Division.

Newman is a lanky, rumpled Texan
who talked as straight as people in Texas
arc said to shoot. He said that one way
AID covers k ical uncertainties is by
keeping an inventory of as many as
60,000,000 rubbers stashed in a Govern-
ment warehouse in Maryland. If there is a
serious outbreak of screwing anywhere in
the world, a few million rubbers can be
airlifted to the troubled arca.

“How do you know how many condoms
to send for your first shipment to a coun-
try?” I asked.

Newman took a deep drag on his ciga-
rette, tilted his head to the side and looked
me straight in the eye. "Only way to do
that is with a rectal estimate. I just pull a
number out of my ass.”

Numerous Third World countries, eager
to emulate the wisdom of their American
benefactors, have used variations on this
purchasing system. Guatemala ordered
pastel and plain condoms, but users
wanted only the pastel jobs. The plain
ones piled up for years until more than
1,000,000 had to be destroyed.

AID had a problem with the size of con-
doms in the early years. Only one size was
available. Thai men joked that they had to
use string to secure condoms to their
waists so the things wouldn't fall off.

Now there are two sizes. The smaller is
160mm long and 49mm wide (about
6.2"x 1.9"). This is, in the vernacular, a
49. Then there is the 180mm length,
which is 52mm wide (about 7" x 2"). This
is the 52. About 35 percent of the condoms
AID buys are 495; they go to Bangladesh,

Nepal, Sri ka and Mauritius—
underdeveloped countries all.

It’s difficult to keep track of all the
countries receiving condoms. The ebb and
flow depend on political tides as much as
on need. Pakistan was onc of the first
countries to accept rubbers, but it was
dropped from the program in 1978 when
America thought it might be building
nuclear weapons.

If the Pakis are playing with A-bombs,
take away their rubbers. That's basic for-
eign policy.

But with the outbreak of war in Afghan-
istan, America needed a friend that shared
a border with that country. What does
America do when it needs friends? Sends
them a few hundred million rubbers,
that's what. Now Pakistan is the second-
biggest recipient of American condoms.

The politics of rubbers raises other
questions. For instance, what would hap-
pen to birth control in Bangladesh if AID
pulled out? What commercial operation
could sell condoms at half a cent each?

Who owns the Raja trademark? Ameri-
can taxpayers financed the rescarch and
pay for condoms marketed under that
name. If AID withdrew, would someone
take advantage of the millions of dollars
that have been spent making the name
known in some of the most populous
nations on earth?

Developing countries are particularly
susceptible to rumors. What would the
Hindus of Bangladesh do ifa rumor swept
the country that Amcrican condoms were
made of cow intestines?

Ciszewski, who administered the Ban-
gladesh program, nodded in understand-
ing. "Well, i'd be worse if someone
that the lubricant was made from pig fat.
"That would get both the Hindus and the
Moslems. It would put us out of business
overnight."

And a problem exists because of the se-
rious discrepancy between condom distri-
bution and condom popularity. Hundreds
of millions of condoms go overseas, even.
though sterilization and pills are ove
whelmingly preferred in most countries

Sinding acknowledged this condom
conundrum. He said that the condom was
“not a particularly effective method” of
birth control and added, “I'd recommend
a combination of condoms and spermi-
cidal gels and foams.”

е

Since AIDS entered the equation, а few
things have changed. The rubber program
continues to grow. Since the program
began in the Sixties, AID has sent 5.1 bil-
lion rubbers around the world. About
half—2.6 billion—were sent during the
first six years of Reagan's Presidency. So
our current President could spur a new
entry in the Guinness Book of World
Records. He has bought more rubbers
than any man in history

In 1986, AID spent $18,000,000 for
417,000,000 condoms. Preliminary budget
figures for 1987 show that AID is asking

for 450,000,000 condoms. Although the num-
bers for this year have not been locked
down, the thinking is that AIDS panic
will accelerate the upward momentum.

Perhaps the greatest threat to the pro-
gram, the rcason AID docs not want any-
one to know that it is buying half a billion
condoms a year, is that, in some countries,
the program has not yet accomplished
what it started out to do—stabilize the
population.

Look at Bangladesh, which last year
received more rubbers than any other
country— 192,000,000. You can buy rub-
bers in the most remote corner of Bangla-
desh; they're available in places where you
can't even buy a Coca-Cola. But when
President Reagan came into office s
years ago, the population of Bangladesh
was 93,000,000. Today it is about
110,000,000 and is growing at the rate of
about 7700 per day.

“The AID population program in Ban-
gladesh has had practically no impact on
birth rates," according to Jack Graves of
CDC. “There аге a lot of actual users, but.

And
And CAME!”
itd

Steinman

POPPED MY NTS‘

the big impact in Bangladesh has been the
desensitizing of condoms.”

Desensitizing is a word you hear often
around the Pop Office. It means that peo-
ple can talk about condoms, that they no
longer associate them exclusively with
prostitution and that they understand the
need for contraception.

But world population is growing by
78,000,000 people a year, and even the
most conservative estimates indicate that
by 2010, many Third World countries will
have up to a sixfold population increase

То put all this in perspective, during the
past two decades, the U.S. Government
spent almost three billion dollars on pop-
ulation control, part of which funded the
purchase of 5.1 billion rubbers. And the
net result is that people in 70 countries
have been desensitized—they are comfort-
able around rubbers.

But that may not be such a mean feat.
After all, as my friend the latex mogul
would hasten to point out, their lives may
soon depend on it.

“The critics seemed to like it.”

153

PLAYBOY

WHOOPI GOLDBERG coninuea fron page 58)

“People think they have to write comedy for me—and
Pm not a comedienne. I do not do stand-up.”

overcome the temptation to be bitter.

GOLDBERG: Man, I've done too much stuff.
to be bitter. There's no point in it. ГЇЇ give
you an example. When I was going to go
to the Dance Theater Workshop, which is
the first theater that I played in New York
as an adult, I wanted to go back to the
neighborhood. I figured, I'm going to
show these guys. They had laughed at mc.
Treated me like shit. But when I got back
there, I found that a lot of the people
who'd made it tough for me hadn't moved
an inch, They were still in the neighbor-
hood. They were still in their parents’
houses. They hadn't seen anything outside
the neighborhood. And that killed, for
probably the rest of my life, that infantile
desire to just have a little bit of revenge, to

twist the knife a little bit. It was a revela-
tion. Now I feel joy that I was the odd
man. It gave mc an out that I didn't recog-
nize at the time. Гус spent a lot of time
recovering from the feeling of being inade-
quate. I’m building from that now. But
then, I did all kinds of weird shit to try to
get people to like me.

PLAYBOY: For example?

GOLDBERG: Well, just saying things that 1
didn’t mean and trying to be ways that 1
wasn't. See, I'm a hippie. I was born a
hippie and will be onc till I die
PLAYBOY: Still a child of the Sixties?
GOLDBERG: Yeah. When I say hi
mean humanist. Environmentalist. Some-
one who wants world peace, Zen politics.
Sunshine and rainbows. God. It all ap-

“Oh, no, I gave the President
a clean bill of health. He never for one moment knew
what he was doing.”

peals to me. [Pauses] But that was not cool
in my neighborhood. I knew I had to be
black. It’s not something I could ignore. I
saw myself in the mirror. Brown-skinned
woman. But somehow, one also had to be
hip and black. And I wasr't hip. I was just
is kid who liked theater and music and
guys. It didn't matter to me what color
people were. But then. Га be with a white
guy and we'd get hit with eggs.

I didn't understand this. And I tried. I
tried really hard to get into it and I
couldn't, because it was bullshit to me.
Why the fuck should I be worried about
whether or not the guy's white? If he's an
ax murderer, then Pm concerned. My
instinct was always to just go one on one
and sec how it went.

PLAYBOY: Did you go out with black guys,
too?

GOLDBERG: Yeah. I went out with anybody
who wanted to go out with me. Guys were
so hard to find. I was just not a popular
girl. 1 couldn't get a boyfriend. I couldn't
get into a clique. I felt I wasn't hip enough
or smart enough or fast enough or funny
enough or cute enough. I couldn't even
dance well. The people who were those
things were the people who were going
places. I am an overly sensi
It’s very easy to hurt me. On
that, though. People can say (|
and Dll just respond, “Hey, fuck you!”
But inside, it hurts, because I'm still this
kid. The best way to explain it is I wanted
so much to be accepted that I'd hang out
in the park with some of the girls and
guys, and when they'd say, “Well, we
want to get some candy,” I'd run and Га
get some candy. But I'd come back and
they'd have gone. And I'd sit and Pd w
What hurts so much about things like that
is that I didn't learn. Га get the candy
again. Butit contributed something to me,
because I don’t let myself do that to peo-
ple. [Pauses] Sometimes, I get so busy, I
get callous. I forget stuff. But that memory
has made me concerned about how I treat
other people, because it’s painful, still.
PLAYBOY: Did those experiences push you
into your drug-taking phase?

GOLDBERG: It’s hard to tell. [Flatly] I just
did drugs

PLAYBOY: When did you start?
GOLDBERG: |Hesitates] 1 was you
Young. Acid, pills and heroin were in
vogue. I did everything. And large quanti-
ties of everything.

PLAYBOY: Do you have a problem with this
topic?

GOLDBERG: Ycah. Only because it involves
nd Mom. If I start talking
young | was, it doesn't look
good for her. If I related my full drug
experience to you before relating it to
her . . . it would not be the way Pd want
her to find out about it. I don’t want a mil-
lion people reading about it before I make
my peace with her. Pl talk about it all
some other time. It happened, I did it, it's
done. I'm not ashamed. Suffice it to say 1
was young when I started and I don't do

them now. And I don't encourage their
use, because they're too fucking dan-

Why did you latch on to drugs?
GOLDBERG: 1 had something to say to
myself. It's the greatest thing in the world,
to mc, to have donc drugs and survived
them. Besides, they changed me forever.
"The drugs of the Sixties were social drugs.
Everybody got high. Everyone smoked
pot, did ups, downs, opium, acid. Every-
one was in the same condition. lt was
almost normal. You could be real open
and do good stuff when you were loaded.
PLAYBOY: As opposed to today.

GOLDBERG: Ycah. Drugs arc cut with rat
poison and shit. I could never do now
what I did then. "Today's drugs arc too
powerful.

PLAYBOY: What changed?

GOLDBERG: Money changed it. Money is a
funny thing. It's the biggest killer of qual-
ity in any venue. Once you find a product
and realize you can make lots of money
with it, the mass production overpowers
the quality. When money people started
getting interested in drugs, the quality
dropped.

PLAYBOY: You also did heroin.

GOLDBERG: I did heroin. Ycah.

PLAYBOY: Shooting it? Snorting it?
GOLDBERG: Shooting it. At the time, it was
just another drug.

PLAYBOY: Just another drug?

GOLDBERG: Look, strychnine, rat poison
and Clorox will all kill you. They're all
fucked. Acid will get you killed. Opium.
Pills. [Annoyed, tired] For me, it was just
another drug. I did lots of drugs. I was a
junkie. I was chemically dependent on
many things for many years.

PLAYBOY: You quit school in the ninth
grade. Why?

GOLDBERG: Because it was boring. You
couldn’t ask questions. People would tell
you what they thought you should know.
PLAYBOY: How did your mother react?
GOLDBERG: She was not pleased. She was
not pleased.

PLAYBOY: What did you do afterward?
GOLDBERG: This and that.

PLAYBOY: What does that mean?
GOLDBERG: It means this and that.
PLAYBOY: Did you live at home?
GOLDBERG: Unh-unh.

PLAYBOY: On the streets, then? What is life
like out there when you're 14 years old?
GOLDBERG: I don't know. It's not the same
now.

PLAYBOY: What was it like for you?
GOLDBERG: Interesting.

PLAYBOY: You don't want to—
GOLDBERG: No, I really don't.

PLAYBOY: You've admitted doing drugs,
heroin. What could be worse?

GOLDBERG: | have answered most every
question you've asked.

PLAYBOY: It’s not as if you were in jail for
threc years.

GOLDBERG: No, I wasn't in jail.

PLAYBOY: Well, we're still curious about
those mystery years.

GOLDBERG: They're not a mystery. It's just
something I don't want to talk about for
public consumption, you know? I am a li
tle gun-shy these days, for reasons I
explained at the beginning. And so 1 just
keep this stuff to myself. I lived, I sur-
ived, I grew up, I got married, I had a
I got a divorce, I moved to California,
I lived, I got lucky in New York, got lucky
in California, Im making movies, Fm
doing OK. People don't have to know
everything about me. [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: Let's finish with the subject of
drugs—or as much as you feel you can
say. Do you remember the moment you
realized you had to stop?
GOLDBERG: Actually, no. Maybe I just got
tired of it. I just knew it was necessary. I
decided to go into a program. They took
me—and yelled at me a lot and | yelled at
them, and they put me through this Gestalt
therapy and it straightened me out.
PLAYBOY: What is that therapy like?
GOLDBERG: It's very military. You come in
at a certain time, have certain chores.
There's a group. You have confrontations,
heavy talks, people going, “Fuck! What
am I? Why am I? Drugs didn’t work.
What do you have to offer to make me feel
better about myself as a person?” The
therapists say, “Only assholes do drugs.
Look in the mirror. What do you see? An
asshole!” [Pauses] Drugs made me feel
good about myself, only not for long.
"That's the pain-in-the-ass thing about
them. After feeling great for three or four
hours, you gotta turn around and do it
again. So what’s the worse evil: trying to
make friends and keep them or trying to
get high and keep the feeling? At some
point, I had to decide what I really
wanted. People in drug programs are often
looking for some part of themselves.
They're very shy. Drugs make it easier for
them to talk. Or they feel small and drugs
make them feel big. Sometimes it's a
power trip. Sometimes it’s just a miniroad
to death. There are a million stories.
PLAYBOY: Did you see friends O.D.?
GOLDBERG: A lot of people. It was just bad
luck. The junkie's attitude is “I hope I
don't.” But if you do, you're on your own.
No one wants to go to jail as an acccsso-
ry to murder. But a lot of the drugs started
doing that—killing people. [Mutters] Li
tle mousetraps. Little mousetraps.
PLAYBOY: How do you fecl about the idea
of drug testing?
GOLDBERG: I have to take tests all the time
for movies. Honey, now they want blood. 1
hate it. I fight it. I say, “Are you asking
me if I do drugs? Why don't you ask me?
You think I'm not going to tell you? You
think you won't be able to tell? Why do I
have to give you blood? How do you know
I’m not clean for X amount of time just to
be clean for you?” I give urine. No blood.
I don’t like needles. I wouldn't give blood
to anybody. I don’t like anybody poking
me. If you want to know if I'm into drugs,
you'll just have to keep your eye on me.
PLAYBOY: How old were you when you

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PLAYBOY

cleaned up?

GOLDBERG: Seventeen. And then I married
my drug counselor. It seemed like the
thing to do at the time. He was bored with
what he was doing and wanted to try
something else. I figured nobody was ever
going to marry me, so I might as well do it
just in case.

PLAYBOY: Were you pregnant?

GOLDBERG: Oh, no. Good girls don't.
PLAYBOY: How long did the marriage last?
GOLDBERG: Not long. It wasn’t right. You
get married because you love someone
and for no other reason. It can only last if
you're deeply in love, and we weren't. It
was mutual. 1 split back to Manhattan
with my kid. I stayed with my mother for
about a month until a friend who had
been working in the theater called to ask if
I wanted to go to California. Bingo! We
drove a barf-green car to San Diego via
Lubbock, Texas. I was appalled. I
thought we were going to Hollywood. But
it was OK, because | was going to be
acting.

PLAYBOY: Are you still in touch with your
ex-husband? Does he see his daughter?
GOLDBERG: No. His loss.

lowever, when you got to San
Dicgo, things were tough. You were a wel-
fare mother, had lots of odd jobs.
GOLDBERG: Not odd jobs. Gigs. I went to
beauty college and worked in salons,
because I'd been a hair model. 1 worked
in strip joints—but I never got my clothes
off. People were screaming, “Don't do и!”
I have great legs, but once you get up near
my butt, it's not good. I also know how to
lay brick, how to Sheetrock. And I worked
in the morgue. Did their hair.

PLAYBOY: You did hair on dead bodies?
GOLDBERG: Yeah. You play with the bod-
ies. They're like big dolls. [Giggles] No

one's around. You put them in a chair,
paint their lips, do eye shadow. Make
them look punk. Or very, very dead.
PLAYBOY: They don't look dead enough?
GOLDBERG: [Laughs] You can powder their
face totally white. Or make them look like
a Raggedy Ann doll. And then you get to
work. It's good work.

PLAYBOY: Did vou have any time for a
social life or boyfriends in San Diego?
GOLDBERG: | had a boyfriend for a little
while, but otherwise I kept pretty much to
myself. I didn't want a lot of guys in my
house when my kid woke up.

PLAYBOY: But you had gained enough con-
fidence to know you could get a guy.
GOLDBERG: Well, shit! All you got to do is
open your legs and you can get a guy.
Pussy talks, you know? But then, what do
you do when you're finished? If it’s just
about getting a guy, that's very easy to do.
But | was not so interested in that. I really
wanted someone I could spend time with
if I was going to choose to do that. But
if you're a single parent and you're a
woman, you get these lines from guys:
"Oh, you know, I don't want to get
involved." "Well, [ don't want to be a
father.” It's like, Hey, we're only going to
the movies, Jack! Cool the chill! What
makes you think I want you to be a father
to my kid? Cool out! They just assume you
must be desperate.

PLAYBOY: How long were you on welfare?
GOLDBERG: Seven or eight years. Until I
started at the Dance Theater Workshop.
I did auditions, kept saying, “I can act,
I really can,” worked with groups of thea-
ter people, ations and, finally,
started. getting at the San Dicgo
Repertory Theater. I played five charac-
ters in A Christmas Carol. I did Mother
Courage. And Га do late-night-

then

PER \

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—- — | D»
mar ee nit

“Do you both promise to love, honor and obey, with
a minimum of litigation?"

theater stulf with my partner, Don Victor.
We put together a tape of our material and
submitted it to Saturday Night Live around
the time they made the first big cast
change.

PLAYBOY: What was their reaction?
GOLDBERG: Wc didn't hear, didn't hear,
didn't hear. Finally, the tape came
back mangled. We called and they said
somcone had accidentally smashed it.
“Sorry.”

PLAYBOY: When did you decide to go solo?
GOLDBERG: I didn’t. Don and I had been
working together for three years, had done
the S.N.L. tape. It never dawned on me to
do it until we were invited to perform in
Berkeley and he couldn't go. I was in a
panic. But out of the panic came charac-
ters. Fontaine was one of them.

PLAYBOY: Extemporaneously?

GOLDBERG: Yeah. I know I’m supposed to
say 1 do a lot of work on these characters,
but I don't. They kinda live in me. It’s
a residence hotel. They say things and
express stuff that I would never express.
It’s exactly like being schizophrenic.
Whoopi disappears. Гуе learned that I
have some control over them, but once the
performance experience begins, there's
not much I can do. Pm just the one who
takes care of all the business. It will sound
just as crazy as can be when people read
this, but that's the way it is. Anyway, at
the time, I just figured, OK. I can do this.
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. So I
did a lot of talking real fast so no one
would see that I didn't know what the fuck
I was doing, but it would look good. And
that was the birth of me as a solo character
artist.

PLAYBOY: What made you
Fontaine— your junkie past?
GOLDBERG: Not really. Fontaine is a junkie
because he just got tired. He was very
straight. Very brilliant guy. He actually
has a degrec. He wanted to be a teacher
but got no respect. So he started doing a
lot of drugs and more drugs and more
drugs and said, “Fuck it," and became a
thief. Which he's not real crazy about, but.
he's taking care of business. Now he goes
off and learns a lot of stuff that pulls him
further and further away from drugs.
When he shows up on stage again, I think
he will just have cleaned up.
PLAYBOY: Is that a reflection
country's current antidrug mood?
GOLDBERG: It’s more because I didn't real-
ize how many kids watched and liked my
show on HBO. I was surprised. When I'm
in a movie, you see me smoke cigarettes,
but you don't see me drink alcohol.
there are no drugs in my films—j
because I think of my kid. If other kids are
saying, "I really love your work! I can't
wait till you do something else," I have to
take that into consideration. | don't want
to promote drug use, because Fontaine
makes drugs look very hip. For him, they
work. That's how he gets through. So,
somehow, he's going to clean up.
PLAYBOY: What was the response to your

decide on

of thc

solo debut?

GOLDBERG: Pcople got up and stamped
their fect and screamed and hollered and
carried on. But no one was more surprised
than I was. I kinda went, “That was
pretty interesting. An hour ago, you didn't
know what the fuck you were going to do!
Where did this come from?”

PLAYBOY: But your characters do reflect
your political ideas, right?

GOLDBERG: They're not always my values
or politically correct. I have a character
who's like Phyllis Schlafly. A very nice
woman. She really does care. But she's
close-minded in that she doesn’t think
long term. She will make blanket state-
ments that she really believes. I feel that if
I can do that as a character and still enter-
tain, people will listen and say, "Now,
that's bullshit. How can she feel like that?
"That doesn't make sense.” People will talk
about her.

PLAYBOY: Arc those moral judgments?
GOLDBERG: Not judgments. It's just more
information to listen to. Like my surfer.
"That's not a pro- or anti-abortion piece. It
is only a slice that says, "Your kid could
end up in the women's bathroom with a
hanger in her crotch.” That is why abor-
tion is legalized—so that women do not
have to be on bathroom floors anymore.
Women were killing themselves, ruining
their bodies forever.

Women are always going to give them-
selves abortions. If a woman wants one,
she'll get one. But you don't want her
doing it with metal objects. You don’t
want people drinking acids in the hope
that it's going to abort a kid.

The safety of it is my crucial issue. I
don't want any more teenagers blecding to
death. I’m tired of that. I’m tired of giving
people loaded guns. Taking а woman's
right to a safe and legal aborüon is a
loaded gun. And these anti-abortion peo-
ple don't think. They're very callous
sometimes. Getting an abortion is a hard
thing to decide to do. That's a killer thing
to decide. It’s very painful and it's very
frightening. You feel awful for a long time,
because you're thinking about this baby.
And so if, on your way into the clinic, you
hear some asshole who is not going to help
you after you havc this baby screaming
that you're a killer, scum, that's not
exactly what you want to hear!

PLAYBOY: Do you spcak from experience?

GOLDBERG: I lived across the street from
a hospital in Berkeley where the anti-
abortion people used to picket all the
time, and it got so awful that I went out
with a man I used to live with—David
Schein—and started handing out a
hanger for every leaflet they handed out,
because these people would harass women.
going in and say devastating stuff. It’s just
mean. It’s certainly not the way to get
people over to your side. Let’s talk about
more sex education. Let's talk about really
finding programs that will help people
remember to usc birth control. Let's find
some methods of birth control that will

work and that are mutual—male and
female.

PLAYBOY: Have you had an abortion?
GOLDBERG: Yes. I’ve had an abortion. But
I didn't have the protesters. That's new.
PLAYBOY: With the new Supreme Court
configuration and a possible review of Roe
vs. Wade, what will you do if abortion is
outlawed?

GOLDBERG: I will fight. 1 will scream. ГИ
go do whatever I have to do to get out
there, which I do. I try to do as many ben-
efits as 1 can. But before that happens, 1
just want to keep people thinking, remind-
ing them of what the outcome of that
could be. And we're not just talking about
adult women. We're talking about tcenag-
ers. With the sex education that’s going
on, we've got a problem. There are a lot of
teenaged mothers out there.

PLAYBOY: What do you think sex education
should be?

GOLDBERG: Big topic. Sex education, to
me, is contraception education. My theory
is probably going to get me into a lot of
trouble, but . . . 1 think one thing they
oughta talk about when discussing wom-
en's sexual needs and desires is oral se:
You cannot get pregnant from it. You also
have to keep yourself clean with oral sex.
PLAYBOY: We could probably round up
some yotes for that

GOLDBERG: Yes! It's certainly an alterna-
tive to insertion. It should be discussed.
PLAYEOY: Let’s continue with your charac-
ters. Fontaine and the Surfer Chick are, of
course, best known from the Broadway
show Mike Nichols produced. There are a
few others: a cripple, a Jamaican woman,
a little girl. 105 been suggested that you
have most in common with the cripple.
GOLDBERG: No. But she's my favorite,
because she is very gentle. And very wry.
And very understanding of people, be-
cause the first thing she does is ask, “Are
you OK talking to me, because some peo-
ple are uncomfortable with handicapped
people.” A lot of people, when they first
see that character, laugh, because they're
afraid that I'm going to start making fun
оГ handicapped people or because they
don't know how to handle it. What she
does is talk to people. Soon you forget that
she's handicapped and start focusing on
her story about falling in love with a guy
who isn't fazed at all by her handicap. He
invites her to go swimming and she says,
“Look, no. Forget it." And he goes, “Well,
why not?” So she does these things
discovers he's right. Shes human. All
that's wrong is a physical inability. Oh,
yeah! You got a mind in there. You're а
human being. You're in love. Sex! Yes!
Handicapped people have sex! Of course!
It's a revelation.

PLAYBOY: Any characters we haven't seen?
GOLDBERG: | have Inez Beaverman, a 77-
year-old woman who used to be a lounge
singer. She always talks about her days
with Sinatra. “Oh, I introduced him to
Ava Gardner, you know?" Then I have a
guy who is in a mental institution. When

you sce him, he is eating rose petals and
making a thank-you speech.

PLAYBOY: Arc you concerned about what
thc politics you put into your shows could
do to your carcer?

GOLDBERG: 1 don't think about solidifying
my career first. I’m going to get out there.
I know that pcople ate up Ed Asner when
he talked about the U.S. and Nicaragua,
and they atc up Jane Fonda when she was
talking about Vietnam. But they're not
going to eat me up.

PLAYBOY: Why not?

GOLDBERG: Because too many things have
happened in the past that pcople have to
listen to. You have to listen. You cannot
deny that homclessness in America is
fucked. There's no way to negate it
There's no conversation. You cannot deny
that the Government has done little or
nothing to alleviate the problem. I don't
understand why anyone would take of-
fense or be pissed at me for saying that the
issue with abortion is choice. Your chil-
dren are at stake. Your children are at
stake with the toxic-waste issue. If you
don't know what they're dumping into
your drinking water—it ain't even like
they're dumping it into your house;
they're dumping it into your water! And
you don't know about it. And they don't
have to tell you! They don't have to say a
fucking thing to you! Why would you want
that? Don't you want to know how they're
killing you? As an American citizen, 1
have a right to speak out. The LaRouche
people arc crazy. Think Nazi Germany
Think about it. gotta keep people aware
And I will for as long as I can.

PLAYBOY: You did the “Comic Relief”
show with Robin Williams and Billy
Crystal last year to raise money for the
homeless. Did it live up to
expectations?

GOLDBERG: It far surpassed them. And
what's best is that we've already got the
money out there actively working.
PLAYBOY: Being so busy, how involved
could you actually get with the homeless-
ness issue?

GOLDBERG: We saw things. We went to
shelters and we read articles about the
homeless. A guy said to Billy, “Just tell
them we're not all bums." If you go to à
shelter after having read what some
dickbrain says about their all being filled
with homeless junkies and you see a five-
month-old baby, you wonder, Where are
your tracks, kid? You know, how much
wine do you drink? It was a great re-

your

sponse. Kids called up wanting to know if

they could send in a dollar. Everybody
wanted to help, because it was us, all of us,
taking care of us.

PLAYBOY: On that positive note, any mes-
sages to your people out there?
GOLDBERG: I got lucky. I know that. So I'd
like to have people remember that all I've
gotten is a little bit of recognition and not
to be afraid of me. Please cool out.

157

PLAYBOY

KEVIN McHALE connec pom page 114

“Bird is tough, but McHale down low is the match-

up that eats everyone alive in this league.

ВВ

а feat all thc тоге amazing because ће
plays on the same team as Larry Bird, who
is rated by many experts as the greatest
all-round plaver ever. But such is the
respect for McHale's own scoring, shot
blocking and rebounding that people are
answering his lighthearted banter with
serious testimonials:

“Bird is tough, but McHale down lo:
the match-up that eats everyone alive in
this leaguc."— Chicago Bulls coach Doug
Collins

“Kevin McHale is the best inside player
in the league. He is as close to unstoppable
as you can get. He’s been tough on us for-
ever, and he just seems to be getting better
and better ”— Milwaukee Bucks coach
Don Nelson.

“He's the most underrated player in the
league. He presents as many match-up
problems as anyone, ог more."- Los
Angeles Lakers general manager Jerry
West, a member of the Basketball Hall of
Fame.

Nobody can guard Kevin McHale.
Nobody."— Larry Bird his own bad self.

It seems that despi Ш the courtside

comedy, this man is a serious threat.

.
Taped to the wall of the Celtics” locker
room at their Hellenic College practice

site is a piece of paper bearing a snapshot
of McHale and the following text:

WANTED
FOR FAILURE TO TALK ON DEFENSE
KEVIN MCHALE
ALSO KNOWN AS: ERANKENSTEIN, HERMAN
MUNSTER, THE DLACK HOLE, RONA DARRETT,
TIN MAN

"May bc [scen] with a midget
named Nils Lofgren

= Usually unshaven, uncombed—
Just a generally unkempt look

* Knees shake at the foul line

* Wears a mask and fake hightops

*If seen, show him the Yellow.
Brick Road and point him toward
The Wizard—dire need of a new
heart.

This is a kind of zone-press defense
against the guy, trying to blunt the verbal
attacks—not against his opponents but
against his own teammates. McHale's vic-
tims are wasting their time: It’s unlikely
that any of them will cver conjure up a
better spontaneous one-liner than McHale
comes up with just about every day.

The primary target of his tongue for the
past two seasons has been Bill Walton, the
perpetually injured Celtics center. Just as
certain politicians provide material for

“No, thanks, I’m just looking.”

political cartoonists merely by showing up
for work, Walton provides fodder for
McHale by attending practice. McHale
rides him about his hair, his car, his
health, his UCLA background, his poli-
tics, his playing style and at least 37 other
things:

McHale on Walton's offense: “Hey,
Bill, those 1965 John Wooden face-up
moves don't cut it anymore.”

McHale on naming his own baby boy:
“We were thinking about naming him Bill,
but his feet were normal, so we had to pick
something else.”

In the face of this onslaught, Walton
remains stoically tolerant.

“Kevin is unique,” says the former
UCLA great. "He has a very upbeat,
lively personality that really flourishes
under a coach like K. C. Jones. He loves to
talk, but he has the ability to back it up.”

Unlike his predecessor, Bill Fitch, Jones
has been able to accept, even appreciate,
McHale's flapping tongue. “Of course, his
first love is talking, but the other one is
basketball. And his talk keeps us loose. If
he isn’t keeping us loose, he’s firing us up.
Still, if you give him half a chance to get
on you, it’s bad.”

E

McHale to Walton, on court, as the
1986 championship clincher wound down:
“Well, you'vc finally donc something!”

.

The 6'10" McHalc has been a produc-
tive member of the most famous franchise
in professional basketball since the day he
signed on in the fall of 1980. He averaged
ten points a game asa sixth man when the
team won the N.B.A. title that first season,
and in the ensuing five years, he has
increased his scoring average steadi
(13.6, 14.1, 18.4, 19.8 and 21.3) as thc
Celtics won additional championships in
1984 and 1986. Acknowledging that con-
tribution, the Celtics have boosted his sal-
ary to more than $1,000,000 a ycar, which
is still far less than the estimated
$1,800,000 hauled in annually by the high-
flying Bird.

McHale twice won the N.B.A.’s Sixth
Man Award (1984, 1985), and he played
in both the 1984 and 1986 all-star games.
But this season, he has elevated his game
to an extraterrestrial level. He scored 20 or
more points in each of the Celtics’ first 28
games, a streak that exceeds Bird's per-
sonal best by 11. By the all-star break, he
had scored 20 points or more in 44 of 47
games. He is making close to 60 percent of
his shots, and he is sinking nearly 85 per-
cent of his foul shots, which is eight per-
centage points better than his previous
best.

The conclusion one reaches after
reviewing all this is simple: The surest way
to get two points in the N.B.A. this year is
to put the ball in McHale's hands.
“There's no one close to him in scoring;
t's a joke.” says Bird, who ought to know.
"He's got that jump hook, and every night
we go to him. The only thing Kevin can't

do is dribble.”

Danny Ainge goes a step further, stating
without hesitation that for the 1986:
season, “McHale has been our M.V

This is all very odd, because McHale
really doesn't look like a professional bas-
ketball player. Or an athlete. Or even a
particularly healthy person. As his fellow
Celtics like to point out, he looks like Her-
man Munster. He has long legs, unruly
hair, a narrow chest, squared-off shoul-
ders and a face out of Little Rascals. His
trademark telescoping arms extend from
here to forever.

.
McHale, when questioned about his
sleeve length: “I really don't know what it
is. I only wear short-sleeved shirts.”
.

There is no question that McHale
accomplished a lot in the early days of his
carcer because people didn't take him seri-
ously. He fits no one's conception ofa ball-
player. To this day, players who should
know better have their shots blocked by
McHale because they can't believe this
strange creature is even remotely athletic
“There are cars that don't look so good
but run beautifully," says the Lakers’
West. “It’s the same with McHale. He
runs well; he just doesn’t have a beautiful
gait

McHale’s odd way of moving on the
court often provokes a hard look from the
officials, who sometimes suspect him of
defying the laws of basketball and gravity
at the same time. But when he’s called for
walking with the ball, he reacts as if he'd
been unjustly accused of transportii
stolen baskets across state lines. “Me!”
he'll shout in horror. “Me?”

What makes this peculiar physical
package work is McHale's gift of
For some reason, the subtle rhythms оГ.
basketball come easily to this ungainly
ballplayer. “I've always been able to shoot
and block shots,” he says.

McHale admits to some embarrassment
about this. He realizes that a player such
as teammate Greg Kite can work four
times as hard and get one quarter the
results. In his idle moments, which
include just about all the time he’s not
actually playing basketball, McHale can
imagine that there is a reproving angel
hovering over his shoulder, shaking an
index finger in disgust. “It’s that old
Catholic guilt,” he says. “If something
comes too casily, maybe it’s not good for
you.”

Things that are impossible for others to
master arc second nature for McHale. For
instance, hundreds of high school coaches
have preached to thousands of developing
big men that (A) it is not necessary to
dribble the basketball every time you
catch it and (B) if yowre trying to block
the shot of a right-handed player, you
should use your left hand, and vice versa.
Approximately one among those thou-
sands of players is able to put those lessons
to usc. McHale is the onc in a million who

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160

didn't have to learn;
programed.

Watch McHale play a few games and
you will note that after he grabs an oflen-
sive rebound, he never, ever puts the ball
back on the floor, where a smaller man
can grab it. Instead, he keeps it high and
flips it into the basket with a subtle flick of
the wrist, a pulse from the finger tips. It's
a good move, too: McHale has been
among the league leaders in feld-goal per-
centage all season. Similarly, blocking
shots by the book, he has remained ncar
the league leaders in that category as well;
he has snuffed as many as eight attempts
per game this year.

Nevertheless, his defensive play hasn't
earned unanimous raves this scason. Bird
attributes this to McHale's focus at the
other end of the court, calling it "just a
question of priorities.” Still, it's not as if
his defensive ability were in serious doubt.
McHale made the N.B.A.'s defensive all-
star tcam last season, and hc closcd out
the Celtics” 1986 championship series with
stifling performances against Dominique
ns of the Atlanta Hawks, Terry
Cummings of the Milwaukee Bucks and
Ralph Sampson ofthe Houston Rockets.

Bill Walton knows as much as anybody
about the war zone under the basket, and
he says that McHale is currently dominat-
ing that territory. "Kevin McHale is the
best post-up player in the league right
now," Walton declares. “He is unsur-
passed. I can't say enough about his abil-
ity to create mismatches. What makes him
the toughest inside player, as opposed to
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or Akcem Ola-
juwon. is his variety of moves.”

The primary move is a methodical
jump hook. “That's my comfort,” McHale
says. “If Pm not playing well, I go to that
shot. [t sets up so many other moves.”

.

Setting up the offensive moves he makes
with his mouth, meanwhile, is whatever's
happening within carshot. "He just talks
and talks," says Ainge. “Гус heard him
say, ‘I’m gonna score over their whole
team,’ and then score over three guys. I've
heard him say to Moses [Malone, three-
time-M.V.P. center], “You can't stop nic.”
Then he backs it up. He really frustrates
some guys. He'll goad them into fouling
him, and then he'll just strut to the line
and make two free throws.”

“I do worry about some of the things he
says publi admits Jan Volk, the Celt-
ics’ general manager. “Much of what he
says is very funny. But sometimes I fecl
bad because there is an underly
viciousness. It does trouble me on
occasion.”

A recent example of McHale's blood-
curdling humor came in late January,
after Celtics play-by-play announcer
Johnny Most’s father died. McHale
launched speculation that Most's color
man, Glenn Ordway, had passed the com-
mentator a poison apple to speed his suc-
cession into the lead job and that Most

he came pre-

to his
through

had mistakenly given the lethal fr
father. The jape spread quick

Vicious? Not e ‚ because the speaker
was McHale, a man who can be offensive
and still score points with anybody within
arm's length.

It's not enough for McHale to taunt the
guys in the broadcast booth or the people
who guard him on court. He has even
morc fun razzing the men who are guard-
ing his teammates.

"He'll go up to Isiah Thomas and say,
“Danny says he's going to kick your ass,
reports Ainge. “So then Isiah goes out and
gets 33 against me.”

With Walton incapacitated for the first
half of the Celtics! season, McHale has
adopted Ainge as an alternative, if
smaller, target. “I love to tell Danny I can
put him in slumps,” McHale says. “PI
say, ‘I can feel a bad time coming on with
that jumper.”

The person most exasperated with
McHale's humor was former Celtics coach
and current Houston mentor. Bill Fitch.
Let's just say that the cx-Marinc and the
wisecracking kid from Minnesota didn't
exactly have the same world view.

“I want to have fun,” explains McHale.
“I don't sce all this as life and death. I
look at some of these coaches and they
don't let up: they don't know how to have
fun. When we won the championship i
1981, the first thing Bill Fitch said was
"We've got to think about winning it
. I said, “Hey, let's have a party

.

McHale on road games in the 1986
championship series: “What's there to
playing on the road? My philosophy is
that the floor is always 94 feet long and the
basket is always ten fect high. The only
problem sometimes is that the officiating
can be a little different. But Гуе never
seen a fan come out of the stands and
block a shot.”

.
If McHale refuses to take basketball too
seriously, it may be because he has a
strong sense of what real work is all about.
He was born in Hibbing, Minnesota, on
December 19, I , the son of Paul and
Josephine McHale. Hibbing, which also
gave the world Bob Dylan, the Min-
iron range, and McHale's dad was

g Seven to three in those
mines is a bitch," McHale points out. “Ex-

live for Frida

It's almost as if McHale were dedicat-
ing himself to having the fun his father
couldn’t have. He is also making sure his
dad can properly enjoy his retirement.
The toys McHale has bought his parents
include a satellite dish, cnabling them to
watch any Celtics game and McHale per-
formance they choose. During his mining
days, his father never had time to develop

his interest in basketball. “Now,”
McHale the younger, “he can't
enough of

McHale joined the Celtics in 1980, after
four years of leading good but not great
teams at the University of Minnesota. At
the end of his senior year, he went to an
all-star tourney called the Aloha Classic,
dominated it and earned its M.V.P.
award. That year, Boston chose third in
the college draft, and afier Joe Barry Car-
roll and Darrell Griffith went off to Golden.
State and Utah, McHale was selected by
the Celtics. Sportswriters covering thc
draft in Boston were shown a vidco tape of
McHale blocking Carroll's first four shots
in a Minnesota-Purdue game. Since that
ic, the wisdom of that draft pick has
never been in doubt.

It wasn't as if McHale were flying into
an empty nest, of course. He arrived the
year after Larry Bird took over the town,
and he quickly sized up the situation.
“If I had come in and the Celtics had not
been such a strong team, 1 might
have approached things differently,” he
explains. "But Larry was there, and
Cedric Maxwell was there, and they were
strong personalities. There was no way I
was going to do anything to disrupt the
chemistry of that team.

His tongue may have been uncharacter-
istically still, but somchow he managed to
play the game. The team immediately rec-
ognized that this strident kid was a killer
in crunch time, the kind of guy who
demanded the ball. McHale had more big
fourth quarters in his rookie ycar than
Dave Cowens and Larry Bird combined
had in theirs.

“He was really never a rookie,” says
general manager Volk. “He didn't play
like one, and he never carried himself like
onc. Rookies usually show deference to
veterans and to the coaching staff. Kevin
McHale did not.”

But as much as he has improved over
his seven years with the Celtics, McHale
has always been able to sce the big pic-
turc, which is this: In Boston, Bird reigns
supreme. As good as McHale is—and few.
are better— he is not Larry Bird.

“I’m happy to be playing with Larry,"
he insists. "Any time I start to think other-
wise, I consider what it would be like play-
ing against him, Not getting Bird's level of
recognition docsn't bother me at all. And
it's not just me. We have other great play-
ers here, guys like Dennis Johnson and
Robert Parish, and they all feel the same
way. There has been a pecking order ever
since Гуе been here, and Larry is at the
top. That's fine, because he knows how to
handle that."

But right now, nobody in the N.B.A.
can handle Kevin McHale, who has only
onc complaint about the life he leads.

“By the time the play-offs are done,”
he says, “hunting season is over in
Minnesota.”

E

says
get

COMMAND
PERFORMANCE.

ТОР АЛУГА

[74

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BY HARVEY KURTZMAN AND WILL ELDER

ANNIE FANNY 7 SEX
BOMB OF THE WESTERN
VORLO? THISIS THE
WAY YOU'RE USING
MY CLIENTE

TT WORKS! EVEN —
IN A SPACE SUIT, SHE GIVES
ME THE HOTS?

NNIE FIGHTS THE ORENG par THE ONES
TAKING OVER THE GE STORES!
205 HAS GOTTEN HER A. PART IN IN "ALIENS.
" EHE IE ONE ОЕ SIX CREWPERSONS
TEAVELING TEN YEARS THROUGH THE COS-
MOS IN THEIR INDIVIDUAL SLEEPING Fors,
THEY'RE we AWAKENING FROM A SIX-
MONTH NAP.. SIX MONTHS WERTE A
BATH’ T T THINK THEY'D CHOKE ON THE
SMELL OF £WEAT ALONE. BUT THATS THEN WAY
IT IS WU СЕ MOVIES... NO ODORS, NO KAKA!

ARE
YOU SURE
THIS 15 IN
(HE SERIEN

WELL, IM GLAD
YOU'RE GETTING THE HOTS.
SHE'S NOT DOING A THING
FOR ME!

LETS REHEARSE EE I DON'T LIKE IT! IF
THE ALIEN EGGS OF TI THE ALIENS ARE SOME

THET'RE SHOULDN'T THEY

EVIL PLANET ESACULATE HIGHER INTELLIGENT TUMESCENT/ AT LEAST WEAR PANTS 2

ALIEN SPERM INTO CREW- LIFE FORM,WOULDN'T THEY DIS- WE DON'T WANT AN

PERSONS JONES AND THEY BE CIRCUM- CHARGE! X RATING/
FANNY. CISEDZ

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT JONES AND FANNY BACK ( THESE CREATURES MUST BE ATTACHED WITH KRAZY
TO THE SPACESHIP, NOW WE HAVE A CONTAMINATION GWE! SINCE TM THE SHIP'S ENGINEER, I'LL WORK
PROBLEM. YOU KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING IS THAT ON THE PROBLE
HAS TO BE DONE... - m 7 N Ba
< 3 x CAPTAINS TILL WORK ON
THE PROBLEM!

AND SO THE
ALIEN CREATURE
SHRIVELS AFTER

NS 175

ANNIE WITHOUT
HOOTERS7 SHOULD I CALL
THE HOSPITAL? THE POLICE?
THE ENVIRONMENTAL PRO-
TECTION AGENCY?

I KNOW?
a CALL AN

=
PL
puri CULL
BS our ON
^ PLUG!
М

You
COULDN'T MAIL.
ME IF YOU WERE

THE LAST HAMMER
ON EARTH!

THEN AGAIN, MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE TO DISCUSS

Ё A THREE-FICTURE DEAL

Whar HAPPENING
HERE. I'M SURE ANNIE FOR THE PAST MONTH, I'VE
FEELS THE SAME. BEEN NAILING ANNIE
7 : THE DUMMY!

түтү үү енин

FINLANDIA” AND "THE WORLD'S FINEST VODKA” ARE REGISTERED TRADEMARKS OF ALK

Eventually you'll arrive at Finlandia:

AN

Шер Fink dd

nporte- in

The world's finest vodka.

ow that digital compact discs (CDs) have elimi-

nated the click, pop and scratch of vinyl-LP re-

cordings, the audio gurus of the Orient and

Europe have turned their attention to cassette
tapes and those two inherent evils—hiss and flutter. Some-
time next fall, your local hi-fi store will offer you the latest
twist on the digital angle: digitalaudio tape, or DAT. Currently
on store shelves in Japan, DAT is to the CD what the cassette
is to the LP. You'll be able to buy prerecorded digital audio
tapes or roll your own. To bring you up to date on the technol-
ogy, digital audio starts in the

FOLLOW T

HE DATS

tapes. Early prototype DAT decks allowed direct connection
betweena CD player's digital output anda tape deck's di І
input—a practically perfect connection. Under pressure
from record companies, though, DAT producers have made
the decks unable to record directly from a digital source. But
even an analogue link-up will make tapes far superior to
those you get from analogue cassettes.

Not satisfied, record companies are urging Congressional
action that will force DAT makers to install an anticopy chip in
decks imported into the U.S. Such a chip would prohibit the

recording of encoded com-

studio, where a digital record-

pact discs, though it's highly

er samples live sound more
than 40,000 times per second.
Then the machine converts
those samples to an enormous
series of ones and zeros,
which go onto the master
tape. As long as the numbers
stay in the right sequence
(ensured by sophisticated er-

doubtful that record com-
panies will be any more
successful in preventing in-
fringement than video-tape
producers have been in pre-
venting home video taping.
At the same time, copyright
holders are justifiably afraid of
large-scale pirating of prere-

ror-correction techniques), the
original sound is always intact,
never degraded in the mixing-

Kenwood's prototype DAT player/recorder is designed to corded digital tapes.
dovetail with its other available high-end components.

Some
record companies have even
stated that they will not re-

and-editing process Those

lease any titles in the DAT for-

ones and zeros also go onto
the surfaces of CDs (as micro-
scopic pits) and onto digital
tape. Pop a tape into a DAT
deck and the machine recon-
verts the ones and zeros to
their pristine sound.

DAT is a shoo-in for the next.
personal-audio generation. It
takes us deeper into a digital
age in which tape hiss, wow
and flutter become entries in
the history books.

Featuring a reprise of the
VHS-vs.-Beta fight, competing
hifi companies spent years
working out a single standard
for digital audio tapes before
firing up the assembly lines.

А
INSERT THIS SIDE INTO
RECORDER

Yes,

and one will hold two hours of distortion-free sound.

mat. Frankly, we heard that
one prior to the unveiling of
other audio and video tech-
nologies now in the main-
stream—such as the analogue
cassette.

Live recordings made with a
DAT deck will be astounding.
After all, you'll be recording on
equipment that replicates the
frequency response and dy-
namic range of professional
digital recorders. And since
you can dub digitally from
tape to tape, your own per-
formances will not deteriorate
after several dupe generations.

Initial decks, such as the
Kenwood pictured here, will

DIGITAL AUDID TAPE

igital audio tape cassette,

The winning standard is called
R-DAT, for rotary digital audio
tape. Rotary refers to the design of the tape-head-drum
mechanism, which resembles that of a video cassette record-
er scrunched to Mickey Rooney size. The drum spins wildly
asthe tape crawls by, so, from even the tiny cassette pictured
here in actual size, you can record up to two hours.

And what audio you get! The sound quality is on a par with
CD's. That first-rate sound also happens to be a thorn in the
sides of record companies and copyright holders, which fear
rampant copying of digital- source material onto digital

be styled as stereo com-
ponents and priced in the
$1200-to-$1500 range. But it won't be long before DAT
machines are packaged for cars and as low-cost battery-
powered units, perhaps stealing CD's thunder in the mobile
market. (Clarion gave us a sneak preview of its dash-
mounted DAT at the Consumer Electronics Show, and we
can attest to the fact that it's one terrific-looking unit.) We're
already accustomed to the convenience of tapes in auto-
stereo and Walkman-type players, so DAT is a natural in those
areas, too. And DAT's the truth. —DANNY GOODMAN.

SUPERSHOPPING

The Corsa recumbent tricycle is
capable of speeds upwards of 40
miles per hour—and, no, you don't have
to be Greg LeMond to attain them, as it has

nine-speed gearing coupled with dual side-stick con-
trols that integrate steering, braking and shifting, It weighs 45 pounds
and will accommodate recumbent riders from five feet to 65" tall. The
manufacturer is H.P.E. Corporation, Seattle, Washington, $895. Roll on!

Designed by Eileen Gray, a pioneer of
modernism, this Shirt Chest is a reproduc-

tion of her 1924 original. It stands 30" high and
features pivoting lacquered-wood drawers that
have glass bottoms so you can view contents, from
168 Furniture of the Twentieth Century, New York, $3900.

No, the Swedish-
designed Erge
U.S.A. tennis rack-
et is not a victim
of a John McEn-
roe tantrum. It's
curved to provide
a natural grip, a
more powerful
ground stroke and
a larger sweet
spot, about $130.

These five-feet-tall, five-sided brushed-stain-
less-steel Beolab Penta speakersare two towers
of sonic power, as each houses four woofers,
four midranges, a dome tweeter and a 150-watt
amplifier. The brushed stainless steel reflects
the surrounding colors;

thus, the speakers
blend with any decor,
by Bang & Olufsen,
$2598 a pair.

JAMES IMBROGNO.

The Softel Plus Il, a two-line memory
phone for wall or desk, with a supersoft
earpiece and a contoured mouthpiece,
has more going for it than just comfort. It
also features nine-number memory, a
нор button with LED indicator and $
last-number-dialed recall, by Tele- J

Quest, San Diego, $99.95.

Panasonic’s OmniMovie PV-300 (above, top left), $2000, and RCA's ProWonder
CMR300, beneath it, $1399, are both full-size VHS camcorders. Zenith's VM6200
VHS-C (top right), about $1200, and the Sony Sports Handycam CCD-M9U, $1350,
in its bright-yellow, water-resistant case, are new, easy-to-handle miniformat
cameras. All four share aulofocus, view-finder playback and rechargeable batteries
for ease in handling. Weighing from three and a half to a little over five and a half
pounds, they'll also hook directly into television or VCR for home-video playback.
VHS-C and 8mm can also be played through any VCR with special adapters.

169

The Heat Is On

TIANA ALEXANDRA is an actress, a marlial arlist, a pro-
fessional dancer, singer and lyricist. You can catch her in Feel
Ihe Heat, slarring Rod Steiger and David Dukes. Tiana was a
protégée oí Bruce Lee's. She has also had a number-one music
video, Dumped On, and her vocalsand songs will be featured in
Feel the Heat. We do, Tiana.

OFAN MARRAZZO/GALELLAUTO.

Lip Service

GRACE JONES says what she thinks, wears what she wants and
feels at home being outrageous. Just check out her talk-show
appearances, live shows, videos, album covers or her most recent
movie, Vamp. The best part? Seeing Grace under no pressure.

© FIROOZ ZAHEDUGAMMALIAISON

ROBERT WATHEU

Naughty, Naughty Sam
Comic SAM KINISON has a lot to yell about. His HBO special,
Breaking the Rules, is on the tube; he's making Caddyshack II with
Rodney Dangerfield; he's currently touring; and Saturday Night
Live let him back on the public airwaves, to howl at Ihe moon.

NICK ELGARLONDON FEATURES INT'L.

Cyndi
Shows
Her
True Colors

Is this a future mom?
CYNDI LAUPER says a
family is on the horizon,
along with marriage,
recording, concerts,
fund-raising activities
and videos. How else
do you think a girl is
supposed to have fun?

Let's

Hear It
for the Boy
MTV-v.j. DWEEZIL
ZAPPA is a busy
guy. A movie, The
Running Man, and
an album are on his
agenda. Mick Fleet-
wood plays his dad in
the film, but real life,
Frank knows best.

MARKLEIVDAL

Holding On
to What
She’s Got

MARQUERITA WAL-
LACE is a knockout.
You've seen her in
Critical Condition, 48
HRS., Doctor Detroit.
and on TV's Miami
Vice. Now you see
her again. We know
what we like.

CHOCOLATE TO GO

Chocoholics may wish to sign aboard the
Chocolatour this coming July, August,
September or October—15 days in Switz-
erland and Belgium, visiting factorics
from Lindt & Sprungli, where chocolates
are filled with liqueur, to Broc, where
cherries are marinated in kirsch and cov-
ered with chocolate, Journeyworld Inter-
national, 410 East 5ist Street, New York
10022, offers the tour for $1975, plus air
fare. No, the leader isn’t Willy Wonka.

TANNING TOWEL, TEXAS SIZE

Where else but in the state of Texas would someone market the world’s
largest towel? Yep, eight feet by five feet of 12-ounce cotton terry/velour
that the manufacturer, Sun Days Tanning Centers, says it took six months
to find. According to the tanning-salon company, it took another six
months to locate someone who could cut and sew the towel, which will
hold two to four people comfortably. A variety of colors, including white,
is available, and your $50 sent to Sun Days Tanning Centers, Suite 612,
5500 Greenville Avenue, Dallas, Texas 75206, includes postage. Now ride
out and find yourself a big lady to share it, Tex

BUTTONING DOWN
THE PC MARKET

As part of a crusade to “stamp out com-
puter nerds,” Shamrock Computer Sup-
ply, 620 South Raymond Avenue, Suite 1,
Pasadena, California 91105, has intro-
duced Dress Code—his and hers com-
puter covers that fit IBM РС, AT and ХТ
models. His is pictured below, hers is a
suit with a pleated skirt and a perky bow
tie. Shamrock's price is $52.50, postpaid,
for each. Smart thinking.

INTRIGUING GAME

In case you haven't gotten enough of the Third World, Eastern Bloc—
versus-the- Western-democracics type of politics, a board game called
International Intrigue has just been introduced. Its distributor, Global
Trends, claims that it “faithfully simulates real-life political and military
struggles in lesser-developed nations." As players move around the board,
property and institutions are purchased and accumulated. When one team
has the necessary civilian or military coalitions to control the country, the
game is over. Global Trends, 1221 Brickell Avenue, Suite 922, Miami,
Florida 33131, sells International Intrigue for $32.95.

LEARNING BY
LAUGHTER

John Cleese, chief maniac of
"Monty Python's Flying Circus,
Faulty Towers and other comic
classics of TV and movies, is
the brains behind Video Arts,
P.O. Box 578, Northbrook,
Illinois 60065, the U.S. branch
of the hugely successful
corporate-training-film com-
pany that he started in 1972.
With 58,000 clients world-
wide, V.A. has 7000-plus in

including G.M., 3M,
Sheraton and Sears. They pay
upwards of $135 to rent its
often-hilarious how-to movies,
such as Telephone Behavior,
many featuring Cleese.

THE PIE'S THE LIMIT

ELECTRONIC HOMECOMING

American Voice & Robotics, Inc., at P.O. Box
24950, Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33307, claims to
manufacture and install “the ultimate electronic
servant of the future designed for the affluent per-
son and his custom home." And after viewing its
$25 promotional video tape, we weren't about toar-
guc. Lights go on, security systems are activated,
stock prices are quoted, the bathtub's filled —you
name it—all by voice command. Prices begin
around $35,000, so Robotic talk isn't cheap.

DOWN TO THE VIDEO DEEP

If your high-rise faces а brick wall instead of the
Pacific Ocean, you may well vant to invest in
Sunset TV: a 30-minute video tape (VHS or
Beta) of a setting sun on a shimmering bay. Or

The next time you fly out of Chicago's O' Hare Airport, don't just
fantasize about the famous deep-dish pizzas being sold in Windy
City restaurants; take a prebaked one home with you for the same
price you'd pay if you were eating out. Sky Pies’ two locations on
the Departure (upper) level are in Terminal 2, between Con-
courses D and E, and in Terminal 3, between Concourses К and
L. Sorry, the pizzas arc too large for the plane’s microwave.

pick Sunrise TV (dawn on the deep) or a New
England Bike Ride in the fall. Relax Video, 2901
Broadway, Suite 128, New York 10025, sells them
for $32.95 cach, postpaid. (To order with a credit
card, call 212-496-4400.) Play them when you're
taking a rock-video break

FIVE STARS
OVER ARIZONA

‘The prestigious 1987 Mobil
Travel Guide is out with its
five-star hotel, motel, resort
and restaurant winners,
among other listings; and, to
celebrate, Mobil held a gala
awards banquet at The Pointe
resort in Phoenix itself on

the five-star list for fü
utive years. New five-s!

ners are the Grand Bay Hotel

in the Coconut Grove area of

Miami and The Ritz-Carlton

Laguna Niguel resort in

Laguna Beach, Californi

The guide—in seven red
s—sells for $8.95 cach.

174

NEXT MONTH

E

RESTRAINED

“NIGHT LIFE IN THE AGE OF AIDS”—EAVESDROP-
PING IN SINGLES BARS AND OTHER WATERING HOLES
FROM COAST TO COAST, OUR REPORTER TELLS IT
LIKE IT IS. HOW MUCH HAS PANIC AFFECTED SEXUAL
BEHAVIOR? TUNE IN WITH DAVID SEELEY

PLUS: “THE HETEROSEXUAL RISK OF AIDS"—JUST
HOW VULNERABLE ARE MOST OF US? CAN YOU REAL-
LY CATCH THE DREAD DISEASE FROM A WOMAN?
SOME NEW EVIDENCE IS ANALYZED BY DAVID BLACK

“LIFE CAN BE A BEACH”—A SOCKO PACKAGE COM-
BINING THE SEXIEST BEAUTIES WITH OTHER GREAT
STUFF: BRUCE WILLIAMSON’S “TEN BEST BEACH
MOVIES”; THE WORLD'S BEST SURF AND SAND; NUDE-
BEACH ETIQUETTE; “HOW TO STUFF A WILD PINE-
APPLE"; TIPS ON TANNING; AND MORE

“THE TRIAL OF THE GODFATHER”—A FRONT-ROW
SEAT IN THE BROOKLYN COURTROOM WHERE CAPO
JOHN GOTTI AND SIX HENCHMEN WERE DEFENDED
BY SEVEN JEWISH LAWYERS AND PROSECUTED BY A
DIMINUTIVE ITALIAN LADY FROM THE NEIGHBOR-
HOOD—BY PETER MCCABE

WADE BOGGS, RED SOX THIRD BASEMAN AND BASE-
BALL'S BEST BATSMAN, TALKS ABOUT RBIS, SUPER-
STITIONS, BOSTON VS. NEW YORK FANS AND HOW HE

—

TUXEDOED

SURVIVED THE WORST YEAR OF HIS LIFE IN A HARD-
HITTING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

"THE WEATHER'S FINE"—IN THE L.A. OF THE FU-
TURE, MACHINES CONDITION YEARS, NOT AIR. AS TOM
AND DONNA DISCOVER, IT'S A PROBLEM FOR THOSE
WHO DONT DIG THE SAME DECADE. A PROVOCATIVE
STORY BY HARRY TURTLEDOVE

"FREEDOM FIGHTER"—ELLEN'S A BEAUTY WHO
WON'T LET TRAGEDY KEEP HER DOWN. GET TO KNOW
THIS SPUNKY LADY IN AN EXCLUSIVE PICTORIAL

“RESTRAINT”—A FINANCIER LOSES ALL SENSE OF IT
WHEN HE PASSES A DROP-DEAD FEMALE IN THE
HALL. FICTION BY FREDERICK BARTHELME

PLUS: ANDREW TOBIAS' QUARTERLY REPORT ON
"HOW TO MAKE A BUDGET"; “FOR YOUR EYES AND
EARS ONLY," A PEEK AT PROTOTYPES OF ELEC-
TRONIC GADGETS EN ROUTE TO THE MARKET; SING-
ER-SONGWRITER GREGORY ABBOTT MODELING
SUMMER FORMALWEAR; “20 QUESTIONS," TO WHICH
GARRY SHANDLING RESPONDS WITH THE TRUTH
ABOUT HIS HAIR FIXATION, HIS MISERABLE LUCK WITH
WOMEN AND HIS PROPOSAL FOR TAX-DEDUCTIBLE
DATES; NOT TO MENTION MUCH, MUCH MORE

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women Mey Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

© 1987 R.J. REYNOLOS TOBACCO СО.

original pieces

fromthe
Pice and Best Вашу Matt

KING OF BEERS.

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