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AUGUST 1987 + $3.50 


abulous 


AN EPIC INTERVIEW 
WITH IMELDA AND 
FERDINAND MARCOS 
ON BEAUTY, TYRANNY 
AND THE SECRETS 

OF HUMAN NATURE 


THE COMEBACK KIDS 
GUYS WHO HAVE TURNED 
FAILURE INTO SUCCESS 


METS PITCHING ACE 
A Sneak Preview of Her Hot New Calendar RON DARLING 


ROCK’S WILD MAN 
DAVID LEE ROTH 


WHERE THE GIRLS ARE 
THE WOMEN OF FLORIDA 


b Г; y 

4 + t 

5 

a a 

— Loupe d 


e & 4 é kt 
Gto Wr. rd 7 N & [o NE AI i5. - 
[4 ср 552 See, E 
E SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking к» 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal Lights Kings & 100. 


Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 16 mg “tar” 10 mg 
> Lights 100's Box: 11 


4 


P—Kings-& 1005 8 Menthol: 
ort Feb. 85— 
igarette by FTC method. 


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876 PB 


PLAYBILL 


THINKING Amor a vacation? This 
relax time of year. М 
cal paradise, whe 
your friends, trash your enemi 
plans for the future. So 
specifically, deposed Philippin 
his controversial spouse, Imelda, this month's Playboy Interview 
subjects, who were questioned by Ken Kelley and Bronstein. 
Veteran piavsoy interviewer Kelley, who has conversed with 
Anita Bryant, Sparky Anderson among others, 


alter all, the kick-bac 
be you're dreaming of an exile to a tropi 
ou could rehash the good old days, praise 
es and cook up some revolu! 


ned the renowned couple i 


com 
Hawaiian home, where the reputedly wc 


table upper- 

[thy ex 
presidential pair had been holed up waiting for the other, uh, 
shoe to drop back home. Despite Bronstein's sometimes scath- 
ingly critical stories during the years he covered the Marcos 
regime, he and Kelley were allowed to speak at length with the 
exiles. What was Ferdinand and Imelda’s favorite topic? (No, 
not footwear, though that subject did come up.) Their comebac! 
of course. Nothing peps them up more than a little talk about 
returning to power in the Philippines. 

Mr. and Mrs. Marcos may profit from a good look at Anthony 
Brandt's article Comebacks—it explains how best to triumph over 
adversity. And just to prove the point, writers Bill Zehme and Jay 
Stuller have assembled Rallies & Resurrections, an inspiring linc- 
up of those mercurial types who've gone under in one way or 
nother only to be borne again on the waves of success. If their 
gs can teach you one thing, it’s that life is pretty much 
gamble. Which brings us to Steven Criss Gambling in America 
(illustrated by Philippe Weisbecker). a roundup of the best and 
worst betting spots in the U.S. And Maurice Zolotow tracked down 
the heavy action—bets in the four-, five- and six-figure range— 
for High Rollers 


The Fiction De; Chet Williamson's weird and 
wacky fantasy Sen Yen Babbo E the Heavenly Host (Паи d by 
Ed Girard), which is about a world in which evangelical wrestling 


bigger than the Super Bowl. Proving once again that fact is 
stranger than fiction, P. J. O'Rourke went after the real evangelist 
story for his Travel column on Heritage USA, the theme park 
that was created by fallen TV preachers Jim and Tommy Faye 
Bakker. 

When ace Mets pitcher Ron Darling got oll to a bad start this 
season, Lewis Grossberger cringed. That's because he had just 
turned in our profile of Darling, Pitcher Perfect (illustrated by 
Anita Kunz). Figuring that he'd jinxed the Yale-educated jock mil- 
lionaire, Grossberger assumed full responsibility 
slump—and, we suppose, for all his later triumphs 
the streets a little safer this summer, ace cyclist Nelson Vails put 
his shoulder to the wheels to write The Art of Urban Cycling, a 
complete two-wheeler tutorial for city bikers, including Vails's 
tear-out tips on pumping your way around town—and surviving. 
‘Thanks go to Kevin Cook for putting it into high gear editorially. 

And for the rest—we must reach for the superlatives. Writer 


Mark Zussman stayed hot on the heels of the hardest-working 
woman in the modeling business to contribute the text for Pau- 
lina, a sexy sample of shots from Paulina Porizkove's upcoming cal- 


endar. On 


of the top photographer's models in the country, 
also our cover girl this month. Watch for her film 
debut in Anna. And don’t miss the Sunshine State's fine 
ces, the Women of Florida. Possibly our 20 Questions 
subject wishes they all could be California girls. Dovid Rensin 
nterviewed David Lee Roth about tight pants and stuff like that. 
Contributing Photographer Stephen Weyda snapped Sherry 
Konopski, our August Playmate, who's the prettiest pizza slinger 
in the great Northwest, Appetite whetted? Turn the page 


F. MARCOS, KELLEY, BRONSTE! 


WILLIAMSON 


ZUSSMAN 


RENSIN 


y i Шу Peachtree 
ШЕ Fuzzy Navel. 


When the flavor of 
fresh-picked peaches 

/ meets orange juice, 

it’s love at first sip. 

1% oz. Peachtree” from 

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f with orange juice. 
Serve over ice. 


om E- A 


PEACHTREE | 
Bite into something wonderful. | 


DeKuyper® Original Peachtree" Schnapps Liqueur, 48 Proof, John DeKuyper and Son, Elmwood Place, OH. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 34, no. 8—august 1987 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
РДБ аас ER а араат з 
DEAR e RIED SE IL PE 
FÜAYBOYSAFTER BOREL Kec RA ATA ARS 15 
TRAVEL: оогон rer — P. J. O'ROURKE 24 
SPORTS. ccce Dee rcge are eue E ... DAN JENKINS 26 
OEE OSTEO lUe ER VIERTE . ASA BABER 30 
WOMEN: раар E T CYNTHIA HEIMEL 31 
AGAINST THE WIND . RE ЫЗ С cee CRAIG VETTER 33 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR .............. ———Ó À 35 
DEAR PLAYMATES. .......... Ra aE cee en e E КЫ . 38 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM..................- ee et x 41 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: IMELDA AND FERDINAND MARCOS—candid conversation ... 51 
GAMBLING IN AMERICA—artidle. .............................5$ТЕУЕМ CRIST 62 
HIGH ROLLERS .............. SSE EARTE ..... MAURICE ZOLOTOW 140 
PAULINA— pictorial.............. ETE text by MARK ZUSSMAN 66 
PITCHER РЕВЕЕСТ—регзопайу.... ..................... LEWIS GROSSBERGER 72 
A GENTLEMAN'S BASIC WARDROBE-—fashion................. HOLUS WAYNE 74 
SEN YEN BABBO & THE HEAVENLY HOST—fiction .......... CHET WILLIAMSON 80 
SHARRY—playboy’s playmate af the month 82 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor .. . 94 


PARADISE FROST— drink. 2x A . EMANUEL GREENBERG 96 
COMEBACKS—article. . . .. ANTHONY BRANDT 98 
THE ART OF URBAN CYCLING—article. NELSON VAILS 104 


WOMEN OF FLORIDA pictorial . x А > 108 
20 QUESTIONS: DAVID LEE КОТИ... з.» Ee ee e pt A 120 
FASTI FORWARD). ics eth teaver past ve RD ROS pecas 126; 
WE -_: 
PLAYBOY/ONITHE'SCENE EENET ETETE TEA ^ 155 Coribbean Cocktails P. 96 


COVER STORY Paulina Porizkova looks like what millions of American 
women wish they looked like. That's why, to herald our pictorial on Paulina, 
we asked Marco Gloviono (who also photographed her new calendar) to 
take this exclusive photo of America’s favorite cover girl. The foldout cover 
provides twice as much hiding space for the Oryctologus cuniculus. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY DULOMG, 912 NORTH MICHIGAN WE.. CHICAGO, на. 


Sujata CI. 
GI romero rosa. 


PLAYBOY 


г 


EYES ON 
YOUR 
PLAYMATE 


For your speci 
lady: a fun, oversized 
PLAYMATE Face T-Shirt. 
50/50 cotton/poly. 
One size fits all. 
Item #871, $11.00 

To order, indicate item 
name and number, 
enclose check 

‘or money order 

plus postage 

153 25 for first 

item, $1.25 

for each ad- 

ditional) and 
send lo: 

Playboy Pro 

ucts, Р.О. Box 

1554, Elk Grove 

Village, IL 60007 
Minois residents, add 


ж 


CHANGING YOUR ADDRESS? 


Please let us know! Notify us at least 8 weeks before 
you move to your new address, so you won't miss any 
copies on your PLAYBOY subscription. Here's how: 


1. Attach your mailing label from a recent issue in the 
space provided. Or print your name and address 
exactly as it appears on your label. 


[= == ا‎ mm m m m m m m | 
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2 Print your new address here: 


Name (please pnnt) 
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3. Mail this form to: PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEI ER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER av1 director 
GARY COLE photography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 


ARTICLES: JONN REZEK edilor; PETER MOORE asso- 
сийе editor; FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER editor 
TERESS GROSCH associate editor; WEST COAST: 
STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GREYCHEN 
EDGREN, PATRICIA PAPANGHIS (administration), 
DAVID STEVENS senior edilars; WALTER LOWE JR 
JAMES Ko PETERSEN senior staff writers: WRUCE 
ELUGER, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN associate edi- 
dors; RANDE KLINE traffic coordinator; MODERN 
LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor; Panam 
COOPER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAY St 
editor; CARTOONS: wind UKKY editor, 
COPY: ARLENE BOUKAS editor; JONCE RUBIN assist 
аш editor; CAROINS BROWSE, STEPHEN FORSLING. 
DENRA HAMMOND, CAROL KEELEY, ВАШ NASI 
MARY лох researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDI- 
TORS: ASA BANER. E. JEAN CARROLL. LAURENCE GOS 
ZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL WILLIAM J. MELMER, DAN 
JENKINS, D. KEITH MANO, REG POVTERTON, RON 
REAGAN. DAVID KENSIN. RICHARD RHODES, DAVID 
SERT, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies), 
SUSAN MARGOLISAVINTER, GARY WITZENBUR( 


ART 


KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI. L 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN. THEO RC 
Ултзов associate directors; KAREN САБЫ: KAREN 
GUTOWSKY. JOSEPH PACZEK assistant directors; 
BILL, BENWAY, DANIEL REED, АХУ SEDI. af. assist 
атк; АНАК А HOFFMAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast edilor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA. KENNEN, JAMES LARSON 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; PITY 
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior staff 
photographer; KERRY MORRIS staff photographer: 
DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY FREVTAG, RICH 
ARD TZUL, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN. STEPHEN 
wara contributing photographers; IRIS MERMSEN 
stylist; james warn calor lab supervisor 


PRODUCTION 


JONN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
ELEANORE WAGNER. JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLL RETA JOHNSON assistants 


READER SERVICE 
сууп LACEYSIKICH manager: 
NIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


NDA STROM. 


CIRCULATION 


RICHARD SMITH director: ALVIN WIEMOLD subscrip 
поп manager 


ADVERTISING 
MICHAEL т Cong advertising director; Zo NUILLA 
midwest manager; FRANK COLOSNO, ROBERT 
TRAMONDO group sales managers; JONS PEASLEY 
direct response 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
J. TM DOMAN assistant publisher: MARCIA 
TERRONES rights ES permissions manager; EILEEN 
KENT contracts administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, ING. 


CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


LOOKING FOR GOOD MOVIES? 


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For more information on how to become a Playboy Channel subscriber 
call your local cable company. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


GOOD MESSAGE, BAD MEDICINE 

As a treatment professional struggli 
to assist the recovery of chemically depend- 
ent clients sentenced by the courts to 
treatment programs, I must applaud your 
article on addiction (Addiction and Reha 
bilitation, viavuoy, May) as the most 
coherent, well-researched piece I have yet 


Icohol-susceptible public. 
What amazes me is that the Gov- 
ernment’s "war on drugs" emphasi 
mass urinalysis, more sophisticated law- 
enforcement technology, more manpower 
and additional prison cells rather than 
education and treatment to deal with a 
population we have long recognized as sul- 
fering from a treatable disease. Would we 
а сапсег апф һсап- 


Program Соога 
Storefront Centers for Counseling 
Drug & Alcohol 
Sarasota, Florida 


I salute you on the fine job your staff did 
in repgrting the facts of the disease con- 
cept of addiction in Addiction and Rehabili- 
lation in your May issue. 

As a recovering addict and an intake 
counselor in a drug-treatment center, 1 
found your report accurate, informative 
and medically sound. It is our duty as 
recovering individuals to mes- 
sage to the addict who still suffers. Your 
port has helped us in that work and also 
has enlightened thousands of others for 
whom drugs may become a problem. 

Thank you for a job well done. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Grand Rapids, Michigan 


1 bought my first copy of PLAYBOY in 


ic monthly, hav- 
ury's back 


ing nearly à quarter ce 
оп my shelves 
In all those years, I've had indescriba- 


ble enjoyment and entertainment but have 
felt a few times that you unknowingly 
undermined a little of your credibility in 
regard to the usc of drugs. 

But with the last three words on page 
148 of your Л issue, you have a very 
well-deserved right to feel proud. Those 
three words? “Don’t ta 

Г never have, 
spoken out, others won't, either 

Michael Frysinger 
Lima, Ohio 


лувоу has 


VANNA MANNA 
Concerning pages 134—143 of your May 
issue: Is there a T? How about an R? Oh, 
there are two Rs. OK, is there an F? Now 
how about a C? Hey, Dm doing all right 
Now I'd like to buy a vowel or two. Is 
there an E? Second letter is an E, 
huh? Wow, I think I know what the word 
is. Га like to buy an I. Two ГУ, you say? 
I know Гус got it! Vanna is spelled 


T-E-R-R-I-F-I-C! 


Lanny R. Middings 
San Ramon, California 


To be honest, when I first read of your 
plans to publish photos of Vanna White, 1 
thought, Here we go again; another 
crawls out from under some rock and sells 
pictures of a celebrity that were taken 
acons ago. Well, I couldn't have b. 
more pleasantly surprised. David G 
an’s shots of Miss White in your May 
e terrific. He maintains a level of 
onalism and good taste that meets 
the high standards of your Playmate 
pictorials. I'm sure readers across the 
country will agree with me and say thanks 
to you and to Gurian for capturing these 


delightful glimpses of a spectacular 
woman. 
Paul Yuratich 
Metairie, Loui 


Your pictorial of Vanna White is beauti- 
fully done. I feel that I speak for the vast 
majority of men when I say that these pic- 
tures in no way change how we feel about 
Vanna, On the contrary, I, for one, 


Note 0f 
Interest To 
PLAYBOY 
Subscribers 


Periodically, PLAYBOY sup- 
plies carefully screened or- 
ganizations (whose products 
and services we feel could 
be of interest to you) with 
the names and addresses of 
our subscribers. Most sub- 
scribers enjoy receiving mail 
of this nature. However, oth- 
ers sometimes object to 
having their names released 
for this purpose. If you wish 
to have your name deleted 
from lists furnished to out- 
side companies, please mail 
your written request (and 
include your mailing label, 
if available) to: 


Cynthia Whitner 
PLAYBOY Magazine 
919 N. Michigan Avenue 
Chicago, IL 60611 


PLAYBOY 


admire her even more alter seeing her 

in your magazine. My friends and 

co-workers agree on two things: She's gor- 

geous and we all love her. Good luck, Vanna! 
Hal Simonsen 


5t. Paul, Minnesota 


Having been a Wheel of Fortune fan for 
the past two years, Гус had ample oppo 
tunity to relish the fully clothed Vann: 
White, while at the same time practicing 
the time-honored male art of undressing 
woman with one’s eyes. However. no mat- 
tently I exercised my imagina 
s mis 


tec how 
tive powers, Гус always felt I w 
some of the cial de 
navel, for instance, (Innie or outic?) 
Thanks to the photos on pages 134-143 
my question has be 


tils—Vanna’s, 


Wayne Presh 
Little Rock, Arkansa 


М: White is what every 
wants to look like in gorgeous ling 
what's the fuss? 

Mr. and Mis. John Alger 
Wixom, Michigan 


woman 


ic. So 


The three biggest hypes so far this y 
are the declaration by Oral Roberts that 
God is a terrorist Who held him for ran- 
som; that gal's publicizing her brief sex 
liaison with Jim Bakker, alter seven years 
and a $265,000 trust fund as hush money; 
and Vanna White's $5,000,000-plus law- 


ar 


suit against Pavnoy 
1 have a snapshot of my aunt Emma in a 
bathrobe that has about as much eroti- 
cism as those pictures of Miss White. As 
for nudity and embarrassm. 
more at any public beach. And the text that 
accompanies the pix is very supportive of 
her. Instead of suing your magazine, she 
ought to be paying you for the exposure. 
S. R. Durkee 
Bethesda, Maryland 


nt, you see far 


THE BOMBER'S NO BOMB 

While a Senate staller with some hard 
questions for the Air Force in the wake of 
the Libya raid. I had the rare opportunity 
to Ay with the 380th Bombardment Wing 
stationed at Plattsburgh AFB, New York. 
This introduction to Ше capabilities of the 
FB-11] (the slightly heavier and longer- 
winged sibling of the F-111s) did not jibe 


with Andrew Cockburn's critical assess- 
ment in Sixty Seconds over Tripoli (vi wow, 
May) 


Screaming over the Adirondacks at 600 
miles per hour at 200 feet in zero visibility, 
an act of supreme faith for me, was routine 
fare for the 380th. We engaged in a mock 
attack thar demanded that the pilot, do- 
ing double duty 


without a weapons offi- 
cer, simultaneously fly, navigate, monitor 
the terrain-lollowing radar. operate the 
C.M., handle the radio and teach me 
offset bombing. | sensed no “task over- 
load." As for the FB-HI itself, it is an 


amazing weapons system. ‘The assertion 
that the F-H is “less maneuverable than 
the Boeing 707” is ludicrous. Acrobatics, 
however, are of questionable relevance 
when the mission is low-level, all-weather 
night attack. Where speed. stealth and 
surprise are everything, the F-111 has no 
equal. 

It is true that bombs strayed. Technol- 
ogy will never eliminate the “log of war.” 
zhly accurate weapons can minimize 
teral damage and spare innocent 
ans the horror of indiscriminate car- 
pet bor Considering the 
nature of the mission and the extremely 
tight rules of engagement, the Air 
and the nation have every 
proud of the performance of the men and 
craft of the 48th Tactical Fighter Wing, 

Li 
The Asahi Shimbun 
American General Bureau 


grueling 


CA- CA CARS 
ading Cars 87 
Editorial Director and Associate Pub- 
lisher Arthur. Kretchmer’s sidebar, And 
fiom Where 1 Sit. . ... in the May issue ol 
maveoy, E thought perhaps Krerchmer 
might like some help in answering his 
“marketing question number two: Is Gen- 
eral Motors going 10 be in the car business 
in 19977" 

Irs tragic that my G.M. cai 


The Best and 


, terminally 


THIS PRODUCT 
MAY CAUSE GUM 
DISEASE AND 
TOOTH LOSS 


WHO WANTS TO TRY 
SOMETHING NEW FROM SKOAL? 


ill and not even two years old, will nev 
experience life in the fast lane. This mar- 
vel of high techn а supe 
gasoline, averaging 27 miles to the gallon, 
thanks to its mighty four-cylinder engine 
with turbocharger. Of course, most of 
the time, it won't shift into second gear, 
so the turbo probably is still new. 

I can confirm the engine power. When 
I'm sitting still at traffic lights with my 


logy aver on 


foot on the brake, the rpms register 5000! 
1t took only three trips to the garage to get 
worked out. The clectronic 
Had to 
lly 


that little 
dashboard is a terri 
have it replaced the first year, but it rea 
works now. When the car is motionle: 
the speedometer reads seven miles per 
hour. 1 figure its merely making up for 
the 1700 miles that were erased when the 
і alled. 

looks brand-new. Had to 
ther scat covers and the rubber 
molding on the doors the first year, not 
to mention the air conditioner. 

It’s becoming obvious to me why we 
should not buy foreign cars. By support 
ing the American automobile industry, we 
arc endorsing big wages for inferior work. 
By pu ng gas savers, we arc restrict- 
ing OPEC's power, as suggested by our 
Government. And, not least, we are giving 
muscle to our garage mechanics, whose 
carning power is а mere $40-plus an hour 

Wanda Kopczynski 


Tacoma, Washington 


IMAKE A MESS, THEREFORE I AM 
I bought your May issue just to see 

Vanna White: but in my haste, my usually 
accurate thumb fell a few pages short to 
P. J. O Rourke's The Bachelor's Home 
Companion. | can understand that some of 
your readers may find O' Rourke's article 
humorous. However, I find the tips and 
insights truly gifted—just good common 
sense for the less glamorous side of bache- 
lordom. 1 was so impressed with the arti- 
cle that I nailed a copy to the refrigerator 
door for handy reference. 

Albert Gay 

Tallahassee, Florida 


The Bachelor's Home Companion 


late you on another superior humor 
Pat Massey 
St. Louis, Missouri 


А PAIGE WORTH TURNING ТО 
1 would like to thank you for your pic- 
torial of May Playmate Kym Paige, What 
сап 1 say, except “Wow!” How "bout a 
parting shot for all your readers who must 
have been as moved as I was? Thanks, 
and keep up the excellent work. 
Ronald H. Curry 
Enfield, Connecticut 
We don't get many letters from Enfield, 
Ron, but you've asked the right question. We 
wouldn't mind taking another look at Kym our- 


selves. The rodeo-loving Miss Paige brings 
out the bronco in a guy, don't you think? 


BARING GIFTS 
Since Ed Meese 
the centerfold in a recent issue, has deter- 
mined that m.avuov does not, in fact, fall 
“within the Supreme Court definition of 
obscenity,” | have decided to enlighten 
the gentleman with a gift subscription. 
Please bill me in accordance with your 
regular billing practices relative to such 
subscriptions. I hope Ed enjoys the pic- 
tures, since in my humble opinion, he 
seems to be rather illiterate. 

Mark E. Mascara, Esq. 

Washington, Pennsylvania 


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. PLAYBOY AFTER 


AIR STERNO 


Howard Stern, talk radio's current bad 
boy, is now assaulting television. Fox 
Broadcasting Company is developing a 
pilot featuring Stern, the notorious New 
Yorker whose morning talk show originat- 
ing on WXRK-FM combines jokes, 
insults and parodies (and caught the ear 
of the FEC—see page 4) 

If Fox censors try to limit Stern's forays 
into religion and sex, he may be cut off 
from his best material. For example, his 
referring, on the air, to his former boss at 
New York's WNBC-AM, Kevin Metheny, 
as Pig Virus; "Not for Goyim Only," a 
periodic Stern fcature starring Rabbi and 
Mrs. Murray Kahane of Temple B 
Vegas of Atlantic City, confronting such 
issues as Jewish pornography (The Devil 
and Miss Cohen, Debbie Does Yeshiva); his 
playing the Ku Klux Klan's hotline mes- 
sage; or his lampooning of Mary Beth 
“Mother M" Whitehead (“Hair like an 
Egyptian,” sings Stern). Of course, if 
scandal's a problem, he 
become a TV evangelist 


can always 


WALK THIS WAY OR YOU BE ILLIN’ 


When Run-D.M.C 
Boys started touring together in June, they 
weren't the only ones who'd bes 


and the Beastie 


n rehears- 
ing. Rush Productions, management for 
both groups, didn’t want a repeat of some 
unfortunate. goings on just prior to last 
year’s Run-D.M.C. show in Long Beach, 
California ted prepping for secu- 
rity this spring, Rush even produced its 
own video, with the rap on good and 
bad security practices, and passed it on to 


so it sta 


security teams working various venues— 
sort of STV. That, plus the walk-through 
and hand-held metal detectors, ought to 
do the trick 


PLAY IT AGAIN, SAN 


As if the trade deficit to get 
nother Japanese import. Not geisha girls 
Not kabuki. When the tired Tokyo busi- 
nessman goes out with the boys, he’s likely 
to hit a karaoke bar. Karaoke (that's cara- 


needed 


oh-kay) literally means “empty orches 
tra." There's no piano player, no piano— 
just a special laser-disc machine that plays 
an orchestral arrangement while a video is 
screened on strategically placed TV moni- 
tors that also scroll printed words to the 
song. A bar patron, fortified by sake or the 
drink of choice, Chivas Regal 
spotlight and sings his heart out—solo 
There are literally thousands of karaoke 
bars in Tokyo and a growing number in 
New York and Los Angeles. We checked 
out Chicago's Café Shino, where owner 
Hitoshi “Tommy” ‘Tamura told us, “I try 
to make my place as authentic as possible, 
just like а real Japanese night club." 
There 


ands in a 


are six attractive hostesses who, 
among them, speak Japanese, Korean and 
Chinese as well as English, and 1000 Japa- 
nese songs on karaoke discs, plus 25 
Engli: We asked a hostess to put on 
New York, New York, a big favorite with 


h one: 


the Japanese customers. Images of the 
Manhattan skyline TV 
monitors. Oh, did we croon—all to enthu- 


flashed on the 


= 


siastic applause. It was another Japanese 
breakthrough: a big improvement on our 
shower 


TAPE DOCTOR 


So the N.B.A. play-offs are finally over. 
and 16 years and two dozen farewell par- 
ties later, we've sadly seen the last of Jul- 
ius Erving, right? Well, through the magic 
of video tape, Dr. J lives on. CBS/Fox 
Video Sports has just come out with a 
tape slugged Dr. Гу Basketball Stuff. les 
part instruction and part magic, In addi- 
tion to basic tips for kids and weekend 
warriors alike (haven't you always wanted 
to learn how to do a finger roll?), the 
action highlights make you sit back and 
wonder how a human can fly 

The tape, priced at $19.98, is the first 
installment in a series of hoopla to come 
out of an agreement between CBS/Fox 
and the N.B.A. The video company will 
now have exclusive rights to all game 
highlights shot by the league. In the near 
future, you can expect to sec s 
footage— your favorite team, the best sla 
dunks, the biggest bobbles—as well as 
instant videos of championship play-olls. 

The dcal should put CBS/Fox right up 
there in a league with NFL 
both quantity and quality of production. 
It will also make a lot of money for Julius 
Erving. Just what the Doctor ordered 


ason 


Films in 


HITS Y MISSES 

An attack of déjà vu hit when we saw 
the new movie about chicano pop star 
Ritchie 
the name of his biggest hit. How many 
recorded versions of the bar-band staple 
exist? Well, it turns out that the 
been waxed more than 140 times between 
Valens’ 1958 version and the one on the 
movie sound track by Los Lobos. Among 


Valens—La Bamba, which is also 


tune’s 


the notables: 


La Bamba by The Youngbloods, who 


sing Spanish with a deep Southern drawl 
The post-Buddy Holly Crickets turn the 
song into surf music: “They call my baby 


15 


16 


RAW 


DATA 


QUOTE 


1 don't know 
thing now, and I'm 
22. Tm still trying to 
figure out whats 
going on. I wasn't 
working, I wasn’t try- 
ing to find a job, so I 
figured, What else to 
do? Соте out."— 
New York debutante 
Cornelia Guest in 
Interview. 


IT'S A LIVING 


current salary 
range for dental 
hygienists, $12,000- 
$23,000; dentists? 
median gross is 
$150,288 per y 
College | professors 
make $25,000 to 
$38,000 per year, 
while college football 
head coaches basc 
salaries are between 
$50,000 and $103,000. 


BABY STUFF 


Age at which infants are now 
believed to be able to distinguish 
happy, sad and angry facial expres- 
sions: ten wecks. 

. 

Earlicst age at which a child can 

speak two languages: three years. 

. 


Age at which most children learn 


KIDS TODAY 


Number of American kids (aged 12 
to 18) who run away from home cach 
year: 500,000 to 1,000,000. 


Number of American girls under 15 
who get pregnant every year: 30,000. 
. 


Number of American adolescents 
(male and female) who become prosti- 
tutes each year: 900,000. 

. 


Percentage of American kids who 
graduate from high school: 76.1. 
. 
Money spent in a ycar on records, 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


I's even money who's in pany owns Godiva 
more trouble: 
divorce lawyers. 
the percentage of men between 
the ages of 25 and 34 who have tion 
never married has increased 
from 15 to 30. And the per- 
centage of women between the 
ages of 25 and 34 who have pany owns We 
remained unmarried has in- 
creased from nine to 20. 


tapes and CDs by 
Americans under 19: 
1.5 billion dollars. 

. 

Average number of 
kids who appear on Soul 
Train every week: 150. 

б 

Percentage of 
American kids (aged 
six to 15) who have 
their own TV sets: 45. 
Percentage who think 
they ought to have 
their own TV sets: 65. 


CORPORATE 
ODD COUPLE 


Campbell Soup C 


preachers or Chocolatier, Inc. 
Since 1970, . 
Sara Lee Corpora- 
owns Hanes 
Hosiery, Inc. 


. 
H. J. Heinz Com- 
ht 


Interna- 


Watchers 
tional, Inc. 


. 
RJR Nabisco, Inc., owns R. J. Reyn- 
olds Tobacco Company 


IT'S A TOUGH WORLD IN HERE 


Number of annual U.S. bathroom 
accidents involving toilets, 21,000; 
s, 18,000; towel racks, 2700; 
drapes, curtains and shower curtains, 
4300; washcloths and towels, 2300. 


LAST WORDS 


The word lady is derived from the 
Old English hlefdigo, which means 
“bread-kneader.”” 

. 

“Red tape” comes from the color of 
the tape that was tied around official 
documents in 17th Century England. 

. 


The nickname gat for gun, often 
heard in the gangster moyies of the 
Thirties, derives from Richard Jordan 
Gatling, inventor of the machine gun. 

. 

Parasol comes from the Italian 

parasole, “to defend against the sun.” 


La Bamba. ” New Riders of the Purple 
Sage make it a hipster C&W bar tune. By 
Johnny Rivers, La Bamba sounds as if it 
were recorded at the beach around a sun- 
set wienie roast. [ts mid-section segues 
into Twist & Shout, La Bamba’s bastard 
child, as do versions by The Sabras, an Is- 
raeli rock group popular in the Catskills, 
and Apache Spirit, a pop-folk band from 
the White Mountain Apache tribe in / 
zona. Another Indian rendition, by Vi 
Molina, wins honors for the most deli- 
ciously raunchy 

Chubby Checker sings it half in English 
ypso-rock beat: “Para bailar la 
bamba/A little bit of limbo, a little bit of 
samba." Joan Baez acoustic version dis- 
s good, jour- 
neywoman job sounds as if it were 
arranged for the Vegas stage 

Lawrence Welk: easy to snap your fin- 
gers to. The Mormon Tabernacle Choi 
"The world's most adaptable choral group 
proves here that versatility doesn't equal 
virtuosity. Still, the choir is better than 
101 Strings, whose clevator-music La 
Bamba would make anyone push the 
emergency button. Oh, yes—there's a 
disco La Bamba (by Antonia Rodriguez) 
and several folkies’ versions, more than a 
dozen courtesy of Travis Edmonson, who 
reports that in the Fifties, he was subpoe- 
naed before a McCarthy committee that 
thought he was singing about the bomb. A 
bomba it isn’t. And last, The Plugz, who 
from the first note sound as if they can’t 
wait to finish, do the very worst Version 
ever recorded. 


A HORSE, A GUN AND 
A GOOD WOMAN 


Mention the word party to the Ayatol- 
lah Khomeini of Iran and he'll think Party 
of God, right? We wondered, given Iran's 
restrictive social environment, what the 
average mullah might do to get happy 
AbulFazl Shakuri, writing in Kayhan 
International, has clarified the Iranian 
concept of fun: “Playing is not suitable for 
a believer except in three cases.” The 
exceptions: ^1. Playing to train a mount. 
2. Shooting exercise. 3. Playing with one's 
wife. These deeds are all right." Let the 
good times roll! 


MAD GENIUS 

We've always suspected as much, and 
now we've got rescarch to back it up: 
"There's a fine line between madness and 
creativity. Psychology Today reports that 
Dr. Nancy Andreasen studied members 
of the University of lowa's prestigious 
Writers’ Workshop for 15 years and found 
that 43 percent of them were man 
depressives to some degree, compared 
with ten percent of a similar but non- 
g group. Looking on the bright side, 
Р.Т. suggests that manic-depressive ill- 
hess may give creative individuals access 
to a richer and more intense 
not shared by the rest of us. 


writ 


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By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


LOVE BLOOMS AT a mountain resort in Dirty 
Doncing (Vestron), all about a nice New 
York girl who finds romance and rhythm 
with a resident entertainer when his regu- 
lar partner (Cynthia Rhodes) takes time 
out to have an abortion. Jennifer Grey 
(Joel's talented daughter) and Patrick 
(Red Dawn) Swayze, a former ballet 
dancer here strutting his stuff on film as if 
to top Travolta, generate body heat as the 
principal duo, whose only real problem is 
the girl's father (Jerry Orbach). Dad's a 
bigot on the subject of boys with dubious 
seasonal emplo such as 
Johnny Castle. Set in a not-so-distant past 
where Flashdance merges with Herman 
Wouk's Marjorie Morningstar, Dirty Danc- 
ing moves in more ways than one. ¥¥¥ 
е 
A charming, small-scale comedy about 
the final summer of another Borscht Belt 
hotel in the Catskills, producer-director 
Steve Gomer's Sweet Lorraine (Angelika) is 
plainly a labor of love as well as a personal 
statement. As the aging proprietress of 
"The Lorraine, Maurcen Stapleton glows, 
as usual, opposite Trini Alvarado, as her 
loyal granddaughter. riding point for a 
cast of brash young perlormers who wait 
on tables, mock the clientele, improvise 
entertainment and generally give ethnic 
gags a good name. Without a shred of con- 
descension, Gomer drums up nostalgia for 
the social traditions of an area affection- 
ately known as the Jewish Alps. Even if 
you've never made such a trip, the kosher 
flavor is appealing. ¥¥ 
. 
Scratch. those carly 
(Columbia) would be an expensive disas- 
ter to rival Heaven's Gate or Howard the 
Duck. Yes, it's a decidedly muzzy * 
epic written and directed by Elai 
with an obvious tip of the hat to the Hope- 
Crosby comedies of yesteryear. But co- 
stars Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman 
aren't bad at all. Correction: They're so 
bad that they're often raflishly hilarious as 
a pair of inept songwriters who get mixed 
up with sheiks, CIA sche 


ment and name 


umors that Ishtar 


nes and unde- 


served success in Ishtar, a Godforsaken 
Middle Eastern t 
afoot 


»uble spot. The troubles 

are shared by Isabelle Adj 
les Grodin and Jack Weston (a hoot 
чу and Hoffman's slcazeball agent) 
d up recording a live- 
Their songs (written 
mostly by May, themselves and Paul W 
liams inspired drivel, topped by a 
cunningly witless Williams ditty called 
Wardrobe of Love (“There's a wardrobe of 
love in my eyes. . . . /Sec if there's some- 
thing your size. ..."). Dopey? You b 
Ishtar spotlights two magnetic supersta 
messing around, winning some, losing 


‘Swayze, Grey hooling it in Dancing. 


Two from the Catskills; 
Warren and Dustin on the 
road; more from Murphy. 


some in May's flawed but jaunty screen- 
play. Hope and faked their way 
through dry patches, too, remember. 
While Bob and Bi surer song- 
and-dance men, this odd couple turns all 
the traditions upside down, with Warren 
(ho, ho) as the bumbling partner who has 
no luck with girls. ¥¥¥ 
° 

"The first in a pair of films based on a 
two-volume novel by Marcel Pagnol, Jean 
de Florette (Orion Classics) is a bookish 
but brilliant drama that has drawn cheers 
and tears abroad for taking French cinema 
back to basics. If splendid acting, eye- 
filling cinematography and a strong story 
linc are old-fashioned ues, credit direc- 
tor Claude Berri with the courage to give 
Pagnol's fiction its due as a modern cl. 
sic. In thc title role, Gérard Depardieu 
wins instant sympathy as a hunchbacked 
city man who returns to his roots on a 
Provencal farm, taking along his wife and 
child and a headful of impractical dreams. 
Eventually destroyed because his land 
apparently has no water, the dreamer 
never recognizes the greed and cruelty of 
a treacherous neighbor (Yves Montand) 
who conspires with his nephew (Daniel 
Auteuil) to secretly block up a spring on 
Jean's property. Under Berri’s direction, 
the meanness of French country life lights 
the movie with a kind of elemental ener- 
gy, placing human folly in the scheme 
of things as much as rain, fire, frost or 
the changing seasons. Like a gnarled old 
oak against this landscape, Montand 


rosby 


magnificent, a peasant in whom every 
normal passion except fierce family pride 
seems petrified. While Jean de Florette 
ends somewhat inconclusively on a note of 
evil does it, there's poetic justice and rich 
retribution in Manon of the Spring, the 
companion piece that resumes the story 
ten years later—though it's not slated for 
U.S, release until late 1987. No fair. Once 
hooked, you won't want to wait that long 
to learn how the hunchback's vengeful 
daughter pays back the wages of sin. ҰҰҰУ 
. 

Eddie Murphy's kiss-mine insolence, 
plus his percolating comic chemistry with 
Judge Reinhold and John Ashton, should 
be enough to make Beverly Hills Cop Н (Par- 
amount) a runaway box-ollice hit. The 
movie sullers from sequel slippage, with a 
plot so skimpy it could be printed on a 
pinhead with room to spare. Murphy loy- 
alists probably will not care, and director 
Tony Scott (who did Top Gun) keeps the 
action fast, loud and just about nonstop, 
s Axel Foley character sneak. 
at in Detroit to help his West 
s (Reinhold, Ashton) avenge 
an attack on their friend Bogomil (Ronny 
Cox). Germany's Jürgen Prochnow and 
svelte Brigitte Nielsen are the elegant vil- 
Jains who, in one sequence, crash a bene- 
fit party at Playboy Mansion West with 
Murphy's gangbusters in hot 
(Hef shows them the door; see | 
PLAYBOY for further details). For me, the 
second time around is pure hype with- 
out much hilarity, but why cite logic 
against Murphy's law? Stay tuned for 


B-H. Cop HI. vv 


. 

Wildlife preservation is the underl 
message of Harry and the Hendersons (Uni- 
versal). Bearer of the message—the Harry 
of the title, designed by make-up wizard 
Rick Baker and portrayed by 7'2-all 
Kevin Peter Hall—is a bigfoot, or sas 
quatch, a critter of legend in the Pacific 
Northwest. John Lithgow and Melinda 
Dillon take charge as the Hendersons, 
playing Dad and Mom to two sitcom-sassy 
brats. They family of conspicuous 
consumers whose station wagon collides 
with Harry while they're driving home to 
Seattle from a camping trip. How a hir- 
sute, humongous house pet subsequently 
disrupts life in the suburbs makes for some 
noments of droll domestic comed: 
Don Ameche called in on the c 
master of bigfoot lore. Produced by 5 
Spielberg's Amblin Entertainment, Harry 
gets downright sloppy with sentiment 
about loving our furry fricnds and hating 
hunting rifles. It's a throwback to E.T., 
amiable but not half as successful at bring- 
ing out the awe-struck child in all of us. ¥¥ 

. 

Italy's Lina Wertmúller, a woman 

already acknowledged as a world-class 


7 


PLAYBOY 


18 


film maker, stirs up another heady mi 
ture of sex and politics in Summer Night 
(New Line). Like her 1975 hit Swept 
Away . . ., this stylish, insubstantial satir 
ts Mariangela Melato as a wealthy 
blonde bitch who meets her match 
virile male from the overprivileged 
ian underworld. Here, she’s a billionaire 
so incensed by a wave of profitable kid- 
napings that she decides to restore the 
honor of the ruling class by kidnaping the 
master terrorist (Michele Placido) respon- 
sible for hijacking her high-and-mighty 
friends. Once captive at her sumptuous 
island retreat, milady’s prey wears chains 
by Bulgari and is served caviar, cham- 
pagne and a steady stream of insults. She 
calls him “a left-wing prick,” while he 
challenges her to come to bed and try it. 
Wertmúller finally reduces the class war 
to a simple-minded joke about sex as the 
great equalizer. Pure fluff, but Melato and 
Placido grapple like spoiled Olympian 
gods going for the gold. ¥¥¥ 
. 

A startling Spanish import, Padre 
Nuestro. (International Film hange) 
stars Fernando Rey as a dying Roman 
Catholic cardinal who returns to his 
native village to square accounts before 
the grim reaper calls. His Eminence's 
odyssey flushes some fairly carthy skele- 
tons out of his family closets, revealing 
that he was quite a lusty young priest 
before his three decades of service in the 
Vatican. The past haunts him mainly 
through encounters with women: his 
tyrannical old mother, his wary grand- 
child, his daughter by a former mistress. 
The wayward daughter (Victoria Abril) 
is now a flamboyant prostitute who flouts 
convention by selling herself to clients as 
la Cardenala. As if that weren't enough, 
the ailing old cleric also has a bachelor 
brother (Francisco Rabal) who is hooked 
on the joys of masturbation. Performed 
with impeccable style, always under- 
stated, director Francisco Regueiro's 
Padre Nuestro (Our Father) may set reli- 
gious zealots back on their heels, but for 
just about everyone else it puts the con- 
founding human comedy in sharp per- 
spective. VY. 


n à 


. 

Talent, intelligence and good 
cannot save Gardens of Stone (Tri-Star), a 
curiously flat Vietnam drama directed by 
Francis Coppola as if he had spent all his 
creative ammo several movies ago. Set 
back in 1968, among the so-called Old 
Guard who bury the nation’s war dead at 
Arlington National Cemetery, Gardens 
segues from a eulogy into flashbacks high- 
lighting how fate fingers an cager young 
Army recruit (D. B. Sweency) who can 
hardly wait for reassignment to a combat 
unit in "Nam. He's a naive superpatriot 
surrounded by a home-front array of 
hawks, doves and peaceniks portrayed by 
James Caan, James Earl Jones, Anjelica 


Placido, Melato: Who's the boss? 


Back to the battlefield 
of the sexes with Lina; 
Caan almost saves Coppola. 


Huston, Lonette McKee and Mary Stuart 
Masterson. Coppola's earnest but listless 
version of a novel by Nicholas Proffitt gets 
most of its emotional snap and crackle 
from the leathery top sergeant played by 
Caan—back on the screen after a five-year 
absence, he acts the bejesus out of the 
meaticst role he's had since Coppola 
directed him in The Godfather. Now 
they're even. YY 


. 
Director John Schlesinger's acknowl- 
edged skills guarantee that The Believers 
(Orion) is always riveting, if not always 
plausible. Voodoo evil seems to be “in” 
as a subject for thrillers, and this one 
(smoothly concocted by Mark Frost from 
a Nicholas Conde novel) sets Martin 
Sheen down in Manhattan as a widowed 
psychologist whose young son becomes 
the target for a ring of ritual child murder- 
ers. Helen Shaver plays Sheen’s glamor- 
ous landlady, who becomes involved with 
santería, a mysterious religion of Afro- 
Cuban origin. So do Robert Loggia, 
Jimmy Smits and an ace company, all 
reeling in horror from time to time with 
New York as a backdrop. With Marathon 
Man and Midnight Cowboy to his credit, 
Schlesinger could give lessons in how to 
combine urban glitter and ghoulishness. 
“Weird fuckin’ city you moved into, Doc,” 
snaps Loggia, playing a harried police 
lieutenant. Yeah. While the ending looks 
both overdone and predictable, by then 
Believers will have you in a tightened circle 
of terror. And for once, the shocks are 
unspeakable but largely unseen. ¥¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


As of now, this column will hop up from a 
Jour- to a five-Rabbit rating system (see 
details below). The change is designed to 
be more precise, allowing a fairer shake—as 
well as fewer split hares—for films listed. 
L'Année des Méduses (Reviewed 7/87) 
Beach bums and boobs in France. ¥ 
The Assault (5/87) Oscar's choice as 
best foreign-language film. vay 
The Believers (Sce review) New York. 
Y., under Schlesinger's spell. ¥¥¥ 
Beverly Hills Cop II (See review) If you 
dote on Eddie Murphy, smile. vv 
Blind Date (7/87) More like a bland 
date, directed by Blake Edwards. ¥¥ 
Dirty Dancing (Scc rcview) Mostly good 
clean fun in the Catskills. yyy 
Gardens of Stone (Scc review) Best of 
Coppola's slow show is James Caan as 
a disillusioned Vietnam ver YY 
Gothic (6/87) Waxing poetic with Ken 
Russell on a Byron-Shelley trip. ¥¥¥ 
Hannah and Her Sisters (3/86) Woody's 
Oscar-laden tale of Manhattan. ¥¥¥¥¥ 
Harry and the Hendersons (Sec revicw) A 
sasquatch goes to suburbia. vv 
Heaven (6/87) The hercafter explored, 
sort of, by Diane Keaton. Wh 
Hollywood Shuffle (5/87) Being young, 
gifted and black in showbiz. yyy 
Ishtar (Scc review) Mixed bag, ycah, 


but yields a few good giggles. yyy 
Jean de Florette (Scc iew) French 
country life with a vengeance. УУУУ 


Making Mr. Right (6/87) Robotic man on 


the rocky road to romance. E 
Padre Nuestro (Sce review) Cardinal 
sins come home to roost wy 


Project X (7/87) Matthew Broderick us. 
scene-stealing chimps. БЫ 
Radio Days (4/87) Yesteryear fondly 
remembered by Woody Allen. vvv 
Raising Arizona (5/87) Baby snatchers 
in a rollicking comedy from the Coen 
brothers, with Nicolas Cage. way 
А Room with a View (5/86) From wall to 
wall, a stylish comic gem. vvv 
The Secret of My Success (7/87) Big busi- 
ness for Fox, Michael J. wy 
Summer Night (Scc review) Turning the 
tables on a terrori: yyy 
Sweet Lorraine (Scc review) Memories 
shackle mountain inn. yy 
(7/87) With 
y ag head. ¥¥¥ 
Tin Men (6/87) Dreyfuss and DeVito 
trade insults, truths and Barbara 
Hershey. WI, 
Withnail and 1 (7/87) A lively lost weck- 
end with two English hams. yyy 


YVYYY Outstanding 
¥¥¥¥ Don't miss YY Worth a look 
¥¥¥ Good show ¥ Forget it 


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‘Phone Mon-Fri Harm Прп, Sat 9-539, Sun 10-5 EST) 


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Why Passport is the most expensive* 
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in leading auto magazines 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


DAVID HOWE changes images the way Cyndi 
Lauper changes hairdos, so the news that 
the old chameleon is making yet another 
comeback is no news at all. And he'll 
ikely get away with it, but let's agree right 
here that this time, he deserves something 
worse— Chapter 11, maybe. Never Let Me 
Down is proudly but expediently described 
by EMI America as uncategorizable. This 
means that instead of coming up with 
something “new”"—such as the mechani- 
cal but functional rock disco of 1983's Let's 
Dance—Bowie has cannibalized his own 
past. There's hard rock and pseudo soul, a 
Spiders from Mars rehash, some mechani- 
cal but functional rock disco and a ridicu- 
lous spoken-word fable called Glass Spider 
Through it all, Bowie favors the worst of 
his many inadequate voices, that of the 
overwrought chanteur who first surfaced 
on 1973's Time. The accompanying profit- 
taking promotion will be trademarked the 
Glass Spider Tour. Don’t get caught 

Having already crossed Run-D. M.C. 
with Acrosmith and set the Beastie Boys 
on A.C./D.C., Rick Rubin is now said to 
have transformed four Brit doom fops 
called The Cult into Led Zeppelin, Direct 
comparison, however, reveals that Jimmy 
Pages thunderclap riffs, Robert Plants 
banshee yowls and John Bonham's ka- 
boom are as difficult to replicate as you'd 
imagine. Electric (Sire) is nothing more 
than a collection of rocking riff tunes that 
dispenses with the droning echoes and 
laggardly beats of 1986's Love. 1 hear lots 
of Led Zep simplified—no sagas, no 
tempo shifts, no blues. I hear Steppenwolf” 
(an unconvincing Born to Be Wild), Cream 
(Aphrodisiac Jacket recalls Tales of Brave 
Ulysses) and lots of Acrosmith—fop but no 
fool, Ian Astbury apes Steve Tyler rather 
than the unapproachable Plant. And | 
hear an LP every bit as ent ning as, 
say, Aerosmith's underrated Done with 
Mirrors. Good work, Rick 


VIC GARBARINI 


Tom Petty has always been more of a 
feeler than a thinker. So when he 
attempted the Big Statement on 1985's 
Southern Accents, the results were predict- 
ably mixed. “Let Me Up (I've Had Enough)" 
(MCA) is his best album since Damn the 
Torpedoes, not because it offers the Right 
Answers but because he asks the Right 
Questions—such as “Who the hell am D” 
Petty goes back to musical basics, admits 
his confusion and attempts to make art out 
of it. He's at his best when he bursts 
through his inner muddling on the 
Stonesian title cut and on Jammin’ Me, a 
witty generic protest song for the Eighties 
in which, with a little help from co-writer 
Bob Dylan, Petty gleefully focuses his frus- 


Xgau on the eternal chameleon. 


Charles M. attacks Mac; 
Dave does Bryan; Vic gets 
Petty; and Nelson gets down. 


tration on the irritations of life in media/ 
consumer land. 

On Hard Times in the Land of Plenty 
(Columbia), Omar and the Howler 


know 
exactly who they are: They're Creedence 
Clearwater Revival—revived. This legend- 
ary Louisiana bar band comes by its 
roots honestly. The populist title cut 
nearly out-Fogertys Fogerty, and if the 
loopy charm of Dancing in the Canebrake 
(imagine Sam the Sham fronting the 
Band) doesn't land the Howlers in the top 
ten this summer, then radio’s even lamer 
than you feared 


DAVE MARSH 


Bryan Adams intends into the Fire 
(A & M), his fifth album, to establish his 
credentials as something more than a teen 
idol. There's no better formula for produc- 
ing rock's most useless flops, but he gets 
away with his big ideas a fair percentage of 


the time. Those who think Adams a non- 
entity haven't been paying attention 
(which is what has driven him to this 


much sell-consciousness, of course). He has 
already proved that he can write a rock 
ballad that tugs heartstrings (Summer of 
69) and, in Diana, he displayed a sense of 
humor, trying to argue th 
Wales into dumping her prince. 

Although the songs on Into the Fire have 
ostensibly weightier topics, he sticks to his 
basic A.O.R.-guitar attack; most of the 
music here isn't anything Foreigner didn't 
think of first, though Adams has a much 


princess of 


less ponderous rhythmic touch and the 
Clear- 


advantage of coproducer Bob 
mountain’s crystalline sound. As a 
he'll never be Lou Gramm, but he 
close enough for rock n’ roll. The lyrics 
arc another question. Adams comes olf 
well in some of the most difficult songs: 
He's smart enough to set his antiwar num- 
ber in World War One and to make sure 
that his song supporting native Americans 
contains the line “АП these changes can- 
not be undone.” Into the Fire is an album 
about lives in flux. But its weakest songs 
are the ones in which Adams speaks most 
personally — Home Again and, especially, 
Rebel. Rebellion isn't one of his great vir- 
tues; and, whether he knows it or not, the 
flux he's describing is the product of 
greater forces than mere rock rebellion 
But that doesn't mean he doesn't make 


GUEST SHOT 


WITHOUT QUESTION, Bruce Hornsby 
(with his band, the Range) is rock's 
rookie of the year—he's got the best- 
neu-artist Grammy to prove il. Cur 
rently working on his second LP, he 
commented on another group making 


serious music—U Heres Bruce's 
word on "The Joshua Tree”: 

“Гуе liked U2 ever since 1 saw 
the band in 1983. On The Unforget- 
table Fire, U2 started expanding, 
with more variety in sound 
duction. Joshua Tree continues in 
that direction, from the beautiful 
church-organ opening—a lot ol 
songs have a certain spiritual 
quality—to the use of harmonica, 
acoustic guitar, percussion and, on 
One Tree Hill, even strings. The folk 
influences seem a bit more pro- 
nounced on Runniug to Stand Stil. 

U2 retains its intensity, espe 
cially in Bono's vocals and ‘The 
Edge's rhythmic guita 
Bono's range of vocal nuance and 
emotion on With or Without You just 
could make it my favorite song—I 
know it's the hit, but it really is the 
one that gets me the most. The lyr- 
ics are evocative and express a lot of 
feelings. I also love J Sill Haven't 
Found What I'm Looking For. These 
guys do a lot of things that other 
pop musicians can learn from.” 


nd pro- 


playing 


TASTE 
THE 
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À THE HIGH PERFORM 


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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
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ANCE ULTRA LIGHT. 


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| AND WELL PROVE ITI ——9À 


IF YOU MISSED THE PERFORMANCE, 
TURN BACK ONE PAGE 
S0 YOU DON'T MISS OUR OFFER. 


some kick-ass rock 'n’ roll or that it 
doesn’t say something. 


NELSON GEORGE 


Jody Watley’s Looking for a New Love 
was one of the spring’s hottest singles and 
a real woman's anthem in the tradition of 
Donna Summer's She Works Hard for the 
Money. But Jody Watley (MCA) doesn't 
come near matching that instant dance 
classic. Despite several big-name writer- 
producers and a duet with George 
Michael, this album doesn’t establish 
Watley as a distinctive vocalist. It’s all 
gloss 

Public Enemy emerges from a provoca- 
tive set of cultural antecedents: Malcolm 
X, the Black Panthers and the Nation of 
Islam. P.E.’s logo is a Kangol-cap-wearing 
black urban teen framed in the gun sight 
of a police revolver. As you might imag- 
ine, these Long Island rappers aim to be 
as political as they are fresh. On Yo! Bum 
Rush the Show (Def Jam), Chucky D and 
Flavor-Flav, supported by d.j. Terminator 
X, are mean-spirited revolutionaries with 
such incendiary cuts as Timebomb and 
Righistarter (Message to a Black Man). But 
even the nonpolitical raps rain verbal 
sniper fire on cops, upwardly mobile 
blacks and crack dealers. 


little feeling. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Of all the Fleetwood Mac-alumni solo 
albums, I have derived the most pleas- 
ure from Mick Fleetwood’s The Visitor, 
recorded in Africa in 1980, when Paul 
Simon was still a one-trick pony. Despite 
its experiments with form, the record was 
solidly grounded in Flectwood's brilliant 
sense of percussion, which ranks him right 
up there with Ringo and Charlie Waus for 
egoless taste. He and bassist John McVic 
guided Flectwood Mac through all its 
ns over the years and seem to 
have discouraged the excesses of their 
songwriting pcers— Lindsey Buckingham, 
Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie. Unfor- 
tunately, Tango in the Night (Warner) is not 
the latest proof that Fleetwood Mac is 
greater than the sum of its parts. Tango 
lacks the hypnotic weirdness of Tusk and 
the relentless hooks of Rumours, which 
was probably a once с pop 
masterpiece. But what it most lacks is the 
sanity of Rumours, the exhilaration of set- 
ting oneself and one's partner free from an 
addictive relationship. Here Buckingham 
yearns for a Big Love that will solve all his 
problems and Chi ne MeVie thinks that 
the antidote to her broken heart is a lover 
who will tell her “sweet little lies.” This is 
the romantic equivalent of a reformed 
drunk’s slipping back into the bar for a 
final binge: Maybe it seemed like a good 
idea at the time, but it’s hard to justify 
later, even with a great rhythm section. 


FAST TRACKS 


OCK 


Christgau | Garbo 


METER 


George | Marsh | Young 


Bryan Adams | | 
Into the Fire. 3 


al 


David Bowie | 
Never Let Me Down 3 


Fleetwood Mac | 
Tango in the Night 


Prince | | 
Sign 'O' the Times 10 


Thompson Twins | 
Close to the Bone 


| 
?_ | ol o 
ARE 
TÀ E dee a 
ow еа 2 
2 TES 


BORN TO SHOP DEPARTMENT: Musicade, 
known for the world's greatest rock-'n’- 
roll catalog, has opened its first store in 
San Diego. The store, like the catalog, 
will have, the owners say, the largest 
selection of rock T-shirts, posters and 
memorabilia anywhere. Look for a 
Musicade storc in your city in the not- 
too-distant future. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Club Nouveau's 
Jay King plans his film debut this fall in 
Just Watch This Movie. . Tina Turner, 
Joe Cocker, Freddie Mercury and Rebbi 
Nevil are апи the international art- 
ists contributing songs to the German 
movie Zabou. . . . Adam Ant is making 
World Gone Wild with Bruce Dern, 
Michael Paré and Catherine Mary 
Stewart Look for Tem Waits in 
Ironuweed, starring Meryl Streep and Jack 
Nicholson. . . . Michael Nesmith has two 
films in production: Zippyvision, based 
on Zippy the Pinhead, and Motorama, 
set in the future. He'd like to work with 
The Monkees on a movie, if they asked 
him. . . . Sam Moore (of Sam and Dave 
fame) and Jr. Walker have teamed up in 
Tapeheads. They play a soul duo called 
The Swanky Modes. . . . Stevie Wonder 
is working on a concert feature that 
will have him performing songs from 
Motown’s golden age right through to 
the present. Plans are to release it in 
theaters and then make it available as a 
home video. . . . We hear that Michael 
Jackson is working on a spoof of the 
making of music videos, calling it a 
“mockumentary.” It will include 
celebrity cameos and be shown in 
theaters. 

NEWSBREAKS: Beach Boy Cad Wilson is 
producing demos for Maria Muldaurs 
y daughter, Jenny. He'd like to 
produce her debut album. . . . Peter 
Wolf may consider an invitation to 
rejoin J. Geils, but mostly he's focused 
on his own album. . . Four of 
Motown's hottest Sixties stars, Martha 


Reeves, Mary Wells, Eddie Kendricks and 
David Ruffin, arc joining forces this sum- 
mer for a Dancin’ in the $ 
They'll be performing across the coun- 
try, so come get those memories. . 
Jan Hammer is leaving Miami Vice to 
write, produce and perform on Clarence. 
Clemons’ new record. He may also tour 
with Jeff Beck. . . . Bill Wyman plans to 
tour England this summer with the 
Stones’ mobile studio and record new 
talent free. He's calling the program 
Opportunity Knocks and plans to give 
the young musicians he finds legal and 
management help as well. "I want to 
give something back,” he says. Those 
planning to be in England and wishing 
to submit tapes should send them to 
Hugh Anderson, Interaction Associ- 
ates, Atlantic House, 35! Oxford 
Street, London WIR IFA. Willie 
Nelson, The Judds and Manhattan Transfer 
are all scheduled to play in China this 
fall. . . . Frank Zappa is writing his auto- 
biography, with the working title of 
The Real Frank Zappa Book, for publi 
cation in the fall of 1988. . . . We cheer 
Tem Petty, who settled with the B. F. 
Goodrich Company, which used a song 
in a commercial that was too similar to 
onc of his. The commercial has been 
withdrawn. ... The rock group Keel's 
new song, Uniled Nations, was re- 
corded with 75 background singers, 
including other musicians, record- 
company staffers, journalists, girl- 
friends and people pulled in off the 
street. Then the producers reproduced 
the 75 voices 20 times, creating the 
«ссі of 1500 voices—a possible Guin- 
ness world record. And finally, 
when U2 was flying to the US. to start 
a tour, the pla s struck by light- 
ning. Sophia Loren was on the same 
flight, causing Bone to comment, “It 
must have been God taking her 
picture.” —BARDARA NELLIS 


21 


P 4/4 Af ‘Nf 7, y My A “Mf BL Заб 
A iF Me 7 Y 7, АС? K 
Y VA Б ‚т, / Wf] 
WS 
ZA 7 y 
" А df, A Te) € 
/ A 


2 

22 zt ИРИ 
уеп! in the dark. Without labels. Ог bote Le $ 4 
shape. Or hype. You can tell the difference. ^ 

Because it's not the way Michelob 
looks that makes it special. It's the way it 
tastes. The full body of a superb lager with 
an exceptional smoothness no other beer 
can match. 

For over ninety years, Michelob has 
been carefully brewed with the world's 
most expensive ingredients. Aged to 
perfection. A beer to be savored. 

A beer that could make tonight the 
best part of your day. 

Of course, you don't have to wait until 
night to drink Michelob. But you just might 
want to sit back, close your eyes and enjoy 
the difference superior quality makes. 


The night belongs to Michelob: 


TRAVEL 


M y girlfriend, Dorothy, and I spent a 
weekend at Heritage USA, the 
born-again-Christian resort and amuse- 
ment park created by TV evangelists Jim 
and Tammy Bakker, who have lately been 
so much in the news. Dorothy and I came 
to scoff—but went away converted. 

Unfortunately, we were converted to 

i iow we're up half the night 
ches’ sabbaths and have to 
spend our free time reciting the Lord's 
Prayer backward and scouring the neigh- 
borhood for black dogs to sacrifice. 
Frankly, it's a nuisance; but if it keeps us 
from going to the Heritage USA part of 
heaven, it will be worth it. 

Just kidding. In fact, we didn’t actually 
go to Heritage USA to scoff. At least, 1 
didn't. I went because I was pissed. I 
mean, normally, I take a live-and-let-live 
attitude toward refried Jesus wheezers. 
They've got their role in life and I've got 
mine, Their role is to be dim, sanctimonious 
and boring. My role is to have a good time, 
But when the founders of Heritage USA 
start having drug blasts and zany extramari- 
tal frolics, they're stepping on my turf. 

Heritage А is a fair-sized chunk of 
Christendom, 2300 acres. It's half an hour 
from the go-go New South Sun Belt to 
of Charlotte, North Carolina—just over 
the border in the poky Old South Bible 
Belt county of York, South Carolina. The 
Heritage entrance gate looks like a Colo- 
nial Williamsburg turnpike toll plaza. 
Admission is free, however. Inside the 
gate, you have the same vaguely depress- 
ing pine barrens that you have outside. A 
dozen roads meander through the scrub 
with the sly purposelessness of burglary 
lookouts. Not that Heritage USA is an 
“empty vessel” (Jeremiah 51:34). By no 
means. Recreation facilities are “mi 
tered unto you abundantly” (H Peter 
1:11). There are playgrounds, kiddie 
rides, bridle paths, tennis courts and 
swimming pools, where I guess you have 
to lose faith at least temporarily or you'll 
just stand around on top of the water. And 
there are vacation cottages for rent and 
condo homes for sale, plus camp; 
and acres of gravel to park your V 
bago on. A golf course is bein 
ГИ rush back as soon as it's done, just to 
hear what new kinds of blasphemy Chris- 
tian golf leads to: 

‘This cup is the New Testament in my 
blood."—4 Corinthians 11:25. 
"E will put my hook in th 


n 


nose." 


By P. J. OROURKE 


HERITAGE USA 


And you can visit the world headquar- 
ters of PTL, which is in the middle of a 
huge scandal right now, just like a real tel- 
evision network. 

Amid these lesser marvels is an artificial 
lake with a 52-foot water slide and the 
s largest wave-making pool. A little 
in goes all the way around 
. And across from the 
station is an enormous hotel, shopping, 
theater, restaurant and indoor ins] 
tional-loitering ce 

"The architects must have been touched 
by the Holy Spirit, because they were defi 
nitely speaking the language of design in 
tongues when they did this. At one end, 
there's the Heritage Grand Hotel, Geor- 
gian on steroids, Monticello mated with a 
Ramada Inn and finished in Wendy’s Old 
Fashioned Hambui s Gothic. This is 
attached to a 200-yard stretch of bogus 
Victorian house fronts that screen the 
shopping mall. The house fronts have 
extruded-plastic-gingerbread det d 
are painted in colors unfit for baboon pos- 
teriors. Interesting that the same God 
Who inspired the cathedral at Chartres, 
Westminst Abbey and the Sistine 
Chapel inspired this. Big Guy 
Upstairs can be a real 

Dorothy immediately went shoppi 
She's normally as good at this as any 
human female. But she was back in min- 
utes, with no bags or packages and w 
a dazed, perplesed expression, like a 


hiopian given a piece of wax 
fruit, What could be the matter? 

We went into the bookstore and I found 
out, There on the shelves were personal 
affirmations of faith by Roy Rogers and 
Dale Evans, a born-again diet plar, a 
transcription of the horrible (though 
rather unimaginative) things you can hear 
you play rock-'n'-roll records backward 
and a weighty tome arguing that every 
time the New Testament says wine, it 
really means grape juice. But I couldn't 
find anything you'd actually call a book. 
The Bibles themselves had names like A 
Bible Even You Can Read and The Bible in 
English Just Like Jesus Talhed. 

‘Then we went into the music store. It 
was the same thing. There were racks of 
tapes and records by Christia 
groups. Christian folk groups, С! 
heavy-metal groups, Christian 


reggae 
groups, all of them singing original com- 


positions about the Lord. No album was 
actually tided / Found God and Lost My 
Talent, but Vm sure that was just an over- 
sight. There was even a “Christian rap 
music" cassette called Bible Break. (1 was 
witnessing a miracle, I was sure, or audit- 
g one, anyway: Here was something that 
sounded worse than genuine rap.) 

The toy store was weirder yet. The 
stuffed toys had names like Born-Again 
Bunny and Devotion Duck. A child-sized 
anoply of Biblical weapons was for sale, 
including Armor of God, Helmet of Faith 
and a Sword of Truth that looked ideal for 
a clobber of little sister. And there were 
Biblical action figures—Goliath with a 
bashed skull, David looking fruity in a 
goatskin sarong, Samson and Delilah 


as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria 
Shriver, COMES SEDUCTIVELY DRESSED read 
the copy on Delilah’s bubble pack. Here 


was a shopper's hell, indeed 

I looked at the people crowding the 
Heritage Main Street mall. They didn't 
seem to be having much fun here. Many of 
them werc old; none looked very well off. 
‘There was a dullness in their movements 
and expressions. Even the little 
looked somber and thick. In the men's- 
room stall where I went to sneak a ci 
rette, there were only four bits of graffiti 
bo YOU KNOW WERE [sic] YOUR WIFE IS AT 
JESUS IS #1 
666 
PLEASE DON'T MARK THESE WALLS 
The last was scratched into the paint 
ith a key or pocketknife. 
Talmostdon’t (concluded on page 153) 


BOOKS 


THERE IS HOPE, sometimes rewarded, that 
biographies will provide a golden key, 
unlocking some essential mystery about a 
person of unique interest—that and some 
good gossip. Timeless insights into the hu- 
man condition, plus a little dirt, are what 
we're after. 

We didn't go for obvious oncs; we tried 
to find those you might have missed, 

Evelyn Waugh: The Early Years 1903-1939 
(J. M. Dent), by Martin Stannard: 
Waugh was a curmudgeon, peevish and 
crabby, and probably the funniest black 
humorist ever, his clean prose a lesson to 
us all. Waugh was also something of a boy 
wonder, a novelist famous before he was 
30, who sullered from what might be 
called Robin Leach's discasc—a compul- 
sion to hang out with rich people. Served 
up in this somewhat academic but reada- 
ble biography is plenty of roaring- 
‘Twenties bisexual debauchery, travel to 
exotic places and failed love affairs, which 
all add spice to a most unusual care 

William Foulkner: The Man and the Artist 
(Harper & Row), by Stephen B. Oate: 
Faulkner, considered by many the greatest 
20th Century American novelist, was also 
a drunk, a charming liar and, when he 
chose to be, a cold son of a bitch. He loved 
airplanes but was a rotten pilot. Until latc 
in his life, his books never made much 
money, so he labored through the Thirtics 
and Forties in Hollywood, writing script 
alter script to support the crowd of rela- 
tives back in Mississippi, taking comfort 
in bourbon, an understanding mistress 
and bird hi ig with friends. Faulkner's 
is the triumph of vision over big feet of 
clay, here nicely told 

Mary Shelley (Dutton), by Muriel Spark: 
They didn't call them romantics for noth- 
! This new revision of Spark's first book 
reveals a novelist’s narrative skill in pace 
and selective detail which is to say that 
onc of its virtues is that it's short. Mary 

vas the daughter of the famous William 
Godwin and Mary Wollstonecraft, wife of 
the more famous Shelley, whom she out- 
ived by many years, and author, before 
she was 20, of Frankenstein. But hers is 
mainly a love story with a sad ending. 
Shelley, married at the time though soon 
to be divorced, young himself, fell in love 
with her when she was 17—and they took 
off running to Europe, giddily happy with 
each other. They kept a journal, traveled 
on the cheap, read and wrote; all but one 
of their children died, and Mary was left 
with a heart full of bitterness, 

Wilbur and Orville (Knopf), by Fred 
Howard: While it could be a Horatio 
Alger novel—Obscure Bicycle Makers from 
Dayton Make Good!—this is also а ro- 
mance, only here the love affair is with 
nuts and bolts, technology. Neither Wil- 
bur nor Orville ever married, and they're 
noticeably short on girlfriends, even, i 


A potpourri of intriguing biographies. 


A biography roundup; 
Dickey's tour de force; 
a guide to music videos. 


these pages— but they were long on good 
old American know-how and inventive- 
ness. Howard is excellent at describing the 
thinking and scientific principles that 
went into the Wrights’ carly experiments 
with flight. What's more intriguing, how- 
ever. is what happens affer the in- 
vention—the competitive scramble to 
make the plane commercially viable (the 
Wrights’ first prospective customers, nat- 
urally, were the military) and the long 
battles to protect patents—making this as 
much a business story as a saga of grit and 
personal daring. 

Winsor McCay—His Life and Art (Abbe- 
ville Press). by John Canemaker: McCay's 
life was fairly uncventful, but he was the 
creator of Little Nemo in Slumberland, an 
carly landmark Sunday comic that was an 
opium dream of a strip and that served as 
the basis of one of the first animated car- 
toons, predating Disney by 20 years. This 
handsomely produced volume brims with 
color reproductions of McCay's work; il 
the biography is less than compelling, it's 
well worth a spot on the collce table of 
anyone who's interested in comic art. 

Peter the Greot (Dutton), by Henri 
Trovat: Czar Peter, on the other hand, 
couldn't have had à more eventful life. 
Brilliant, brutal, headstrong. tempestu- 
ous, passionate, he attempted nothing less 
than the modernization of carly- 18th 
Century Russia. Unfortunately, he wasn't 
above donating the lives of thousands 
peasants to the causc—whether in war or 

п building St. Petersburg in the mud and 


marshes. A man of vast appetites, with an 
array of quirks ranging from the endearing 
(he loved to travel incognito and work as a 
common laborer) to the ghastly (he loved 
torture, too, and personally tortured one 
of his own sons to death), Peter was a 
giant figure in a giant land. Trovat's biog- 
phy does a good job of capturing the 
man and his place in legend. 

Is That И? (Weidenfeld & Nicolson), by 
Bob Geldof with Paul Vallely: Who would 
we thought it? In many ways, the best of 
the lot is this autobiography of a rebel 
rocker, leader of the Boomtown Rats, who 
organized Band Aid and Live Aid and was. 
nominated lor a Nobel Peace Prize. The 
ting is surprisingly good, often funny, 
nd Geldof comes off as a bright, likable 
chap—even while growing up delinquent 
in Dublin, at war with his old man and his 
Catholic teachers (he once wrote to China 
for 100 of Mao's Little Red Books and dis- 
tributed them to classmates). Geldof’s con- 
cern about the Ethiopian famine was no 
sudden publicity stunt but had roots dat- 
ing back to his childhood. His tireless 
work to launch those benefits and then to 
remain a spokesman for the cause are 
sharpened by the fact that the Boomtown 
Rats’ declining popularity found Geldof 
broke and in debt, even as he was mecting 
international heads of state to. promote 
famine relief, A good lad. —DAVID STANDISH 

E 

There is a difference between a tour de 
force and a masterpiece, and if you want 
to know what it is. consider the works of 
James Dickey. His first novel, Deliverance, 
a masterpiece; it was also a terrific 
odern adventure story, a book that put 
him in the honored company of Jack Lon- 
don. His new novel, Alnilem (Doubleday), 
is a tour de force that belongs in the com- 
pany of, oh, Norman Mailer's Ancient 
Evenings or William Faulkner's A Fable. 
This is a big, enveloping book with astro- 
nomical goals (Alnilam happens to be the 
Idle star in Orion's belt) and concerns 
n, blindness, fatlierhood, even air. 
But it is also long and windy and relies on 
an irritating split-screen device that alter- 
nates the point of view ofa blind man with 
that of a sighted observer. This technique 
does very little other than make the book 
mechanically, as well as conceptually, 
hard to read. In the end, onc is grateful for 
the occasional flights of language and can 
hope that Dickey has gotten this one out of 
his system. 


E 


was 


BOOK BAG 


Music Video: A Consumer's Guide (Ballan- 
tine), by Michael Shore: Music journalist 
and MTV staff writer Shore has amassed 
900 entries with info, reviews and rating 
stem of must sce and must avoid. 
music-video addict? You'll want this book. 


26 


SPORTS 


А! of my patients аге encouraged to 
drop by the office any time they 
wish, whether they have a session sched- 
uled or not. Many of them do come just to 
sit around, drink coffee, read magazines, 
watch my secretary mail bills. Occasion- 
ally, some of them bring their deli sand- 
wiches and sodas and have lunch in thc 
waiting room. I would much prefer to have 
them here in the warmth and safety of my 
office rather than out on the street, where 
they might be tempted to go to another 
Red Sox game. 

Basically, two kinds of patients come to 
me for help. There are those who are try- 
ing to fight their Red Sox addiction and 
those who have already been infecied with 
the Red Sox virus and are struggl 
cope with it, hoping to find some peace 
ess in the few months they have 


Needless to say, I hear a lot of horror 


stories. Let me just play you a couple of 


tapes. First, here's part of a n | had 
last month with a Red Sox addict who now 
lives in New York: 

“I never thought it could happen to me, 
Doc. I thought | could control it. At first, 
it was just bumper stickers. I didn't think 
anything about it. Everybody had а 
bumper sticker of some kind. Mine were 
harmless. They didn't say ruck REAGAN or 
anything, they just said Go RED sox 

“But then it gets a grip on you. Like. I 
went to this black-tie dinner and wore a 
Red Sox cap. I was getting seduced. Next, 
I was taking showers in my Red Sox 
warm-up jacket. I couldn't take a shit 
without it 

“Pretty soon, you start calling in sick at 
work. All you want to do is stay home and 
watch the games you've taped. Somebody 
says you're about to lose your job, but so 
what? The Red Sox a thing 
that's important any more 

“Then come the lies. My wile said, 
‘What are you doing wearing that stupid 
cap and warm-up jacket around the 
house? I said, ‘What cap? What jacket?" 

She took away my cap and jacket, but I 
had others stashed away. I kept them 
locked up in drawers. I'd unlock a drawer, 
sneak a peek at the в on a cap or a jacket, 
then slam the drawer shut. Thirty-seven 
minutes later, Ud have to do it again. Pd 
have to sce that logo, 

‘After a while, vou get paranoid. You 
start to close the curtains before you 
unlock the drawer and look at the logo. 


€ the only 


By DAN JENKINS 


THE DOCTOR IS IN 


And you stand for hours peering out of 
the window, keeping a lookout for all thi 
Yankee fans who are out there wanting to 
give you a urine test. 

“Ies everywhere, Doc. It's on the 
school grounds, in corporate offices, res- 
tau bar you frequent, the discos, 
all over the streets. Why can’t the cops do 
something? They know where most of it 
comes from. Boston! They know who's 
bringing it in. Perfectly respectable-look- 
ing people. Grown-up men and women. 

“F guess I finally realized I needed ther- 
apy when I started sleeping with the pho- 
tograph of Roger Clemens. And 1 knew 
the heartbreak 1 was in for. 1 knew I'd lose 
my wile, the kids, the job, my home, 
everything. I tried to tell myself it would 
be worth it if the Red Sox won the world 
series; but somehow, | knew deep-down, it 
couldn't happen. They never win the 
world series. Not with Ted Williams or 
Yaz or nobody. So how were they gonna 
win it with this bunch of creeps? 

ETE st thing it does to 


ou. 
you and 
gonna win the world 

you'll have these world- 
hip patches to put on your 
warm-up jacket and these world-cham- 
pionship bumper stickers to put on your 
car. 


It makes vou feel brilliant, like 
the Red Sox 
series and 


an outsmart you, 
Il you're gonna do 


is wind up in the gutte 


“1 know this is true, but I can feel it 
happening to me again. You got to help 
mc, Doc. Make me a Me ything. 

Um happy to report that the patient is 
5. I started him off 
s Rangers program, 
three 


it’s tougher to deal with 
someone who's been infected with the Red 
Sox virus. The tape you are about to hear 
is heartbreakingly typical of the person 
who's been stricken: 

“My friends and I had always known 
how promiscuous the Red Sox arc. We'd 
heard about all of these people who had 
been infected in 46 and others in 767 
and still others in 773, but nothing serious 
happened to them, because penicillin took 
care of everything. Sure, à lot of them 
wound up in mental institutions, but 
nobody died, for God's sake 

“Now [don’t know, Doc. I fear for the 
future. My life is over and Um resigned to 
it, but what about the next ger 
f we have a few more seasons | 


virus by 19 
Red Sox are going to stop fucking people. 
and that’s mainly how you can catch it. 

“It’s so casy to get taken in. They flirt 
h you and fondle vou. like they did last 
year, and you fall for it. You fall into the 
trap of making love with them in all the 
normal ways, and the next thing you 
know, they've stuck it up your ass 

“You know the risk you're tak 
somchow you can’t resist. You get swept 
up in another world. The carth moves. 
You think, Here 1 am, just an ordinary 
m, but I'm making it with the Red 

nd we're going to win a world se 
“Your eyes roll back in your head and 
you them on the shoulders, 
ou're on this roller-coaster ride you hope 
ever ends. You forget the dangers. All 
that seems to matter is the moment. 

“But then it happens. The unthinkable 
‘The same old thing. Just as you're in the 
middle of the most wonderful dream 
you've ever had—you ean even envi 
the ticker-tape parades—the ball r 
between this guys legs, 
realize that love never 
with it; you've only bee 

“Forget me, Doc. I'm done for 
we care about the future, there's 
answer. We've got to find a way 
make the Red Sox wear condoms. 


ies. 


and 


claw 


w 


ion 
lls 


ad suddenly you 


d anything to do 
fucked again. 

But if 
nly one 


"в 


When the 
heat is on, 


escape to 
the ultimate... 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


© ты? A... REYNOLOS TOBACCO СО. 


17 mg. "tar", 1.3 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


REFRESHEST 


30 


MEN 


Yur probably reading this while 
you're lying on the beach. You're 
probably looking around at the scenery 
every ten seconds. The hills and valleys 
and tan places with suntan oil on them— 
that’s the scenery I’m talking about. You 
say it’s taken you 15 minutes to read these 
four sentences? I understand. 

You're trying to get up your nerve to 
talk to the women who appeal to you, 
aren't you? You're thinking of intros. 
“Nice day, isn’t it?” “Excuse me, do you 
have the time?” “Pm sorry, but could I 
borrow a little suntan lotion?" “Do you 
know your back is getting sunburned? 

Oh, clever. Really clever. You know 
those are dumb lines. You know you'd like 
to have some new material. And you also 
know that you're not crazy about possible 
rejection. Face it: There's not a man alive 
who hasn't backed down, wussied out, 
walked away from a woman who was 
attractive to him—but who seemed too 
beautiful and formidable to deal with. 

Well, you've come to the right column 
There arc ways around your shyness. It 
just takes a little thought, some minimal 
planning. All you need is a knee brace, an 
old shirt and a piece of paper—thrce 
items that will change your luck for the 
better. You use them at different times in 
different ways, but they all point to th 
same goal: meeting and greeting women. 

1. The knee brace. We're talking much 
more than an Ace bandage here. We're 
talking a device, an implement, a big old 
thing that has straps and braces and 
leather and hinges, a medieval contrap- 
tion that makes it look as if you definitely 
have a knee that doesn't work. Sure, it'll 
cost a little, but you can always buy the 
basic brace and then jazz it up at home. 

Frankly, if you had your knec brace 
with you on your beach blanket, you pri 
ably wouldn't be alone now. If you 
limped onto the beach while wearing it— 
and you have to limp with a knee brace or 
you'll spoil the effect—you'd have been an 
mmediate conversation piece, You'd have 
been noticed, and some of the women 
ng you would have felt sorry for 
which is exactly what you want. 

Go back to the beach tomorrow we 
your knee brace. Limp toward the water 
Smile bravely. If you sec an attractive 
woman, sink suddenly to the sand while 
you hold your braced knee with both 
hands. Don't fall right on top of her. Have 
a little couth. Drop to one side of her towel 
and moan once. Only once. If she offers to 


yor 


By ASA BABER 


THREE TO GET 
LUCKY 


help you, refuse that help. At first. But 
keep talking as you test your knec, col- 
lapse again, stare at the sky and silently 
curse your fate. 

Do not claim that your injury is an old 
war wound. Women these days couldn't 
care less about veterans. They sec them as 
stubborn and devious and preoccupied 
with sex, which is accurate. No, you want 
to comeon as a professional athlete who has 


just signed a huge contract and has three 
months to go before timc trials/football 
camp/spring ing. The three months 


give you time to figure out another story. 

The knee brace presents you as virile 
but temporarily fallen, a condition most 
women cannot resist. It is ideal for 
beaches, health clubs, jogging paths, 
swimming pools. It’s almost as good as 
the shirt 

2. The shirt. 1 don't know which shirt. 
Just pick out one of your old shirts. Then 
buy some small tubes of paint from an 
artists’-supplies store. Put dillerent colors 
on cach of your finger tips. Slowly wipe 
them all over your shirt. Let the paint dry. 


‘Take the shirt with you wherever you go. 


The gig is thi 


You go to the nearest art 


museum and find the room with the 
a it. You're wearing your 
shirt. You've mussed your hair 


slightly. You 
ings. You seem oblivious to everyone. Ti 


tand and stare at the paint- 


to look tortured, hungry and rebellious. 
Think of your last tax audit or something 
like that. 

Within three minutes, onc or two 
women will begin circling around you and 
the painting you're staring at. Sigh once 
Only once. By this time, you'll probably 
be asked if you're a painter. Nod that yes, 
you are, and ask one of these three ques- 
tions: (A) “Do you think Scurat was dia- 
betic, or was he really exploring. the 
nature of light and form?" (B) “If Dau- 
mier were drawing today, do you th 
Disney Studios would givc him a job? 
(C) “Do you ever want to get away from it 
all the way Gauguin did?” 

There is a chance that you will be asked 
about your work. You should say, “I'm 
into acrylics, mostly, but I still like oils." 
If pressed further, sav, "Look, I really 
don’t like to talk about my w while it's 
in progress." Say this with a controlled 
hysteria that indicates that your brilliance 
often gives you agony. She'll love it 

3. The piece of paper. Any piece of paper 
will do. Write down some things you need 
for your home. Do not list brand names 
That shows no imagination and defeats 
your purpose. Not much conversation can 
be made out of "Where's the Clorox?” 

So you write vague descriptions of the 
things you need: "stuff to clean floors 
with," “something to cat," “bleach and 
soap." That's cnough. You're doing cat 
gorics, not names. 

Then go to your nearest grocery store. 
Better make it a large onc, because you're 
going to be hanging around for a while. 
Your face should be a combination of puz- 
zled, hopeful, sorrowful, plucky, sexually 
neutral. Glance at the list, stare at the 
shelves, shake your head in confusion, 
look around shyly for help. 

You are the ultimate helpless male. You 
are either divorced, widowed or just back 
from Central America (you pick it). As a 
helpless male, you have every right to as 
vice from the women who happen to 
pass by and who, coincidentally, happen 
to appeal to you. You arc harmless, vul 
nerable, trying to hold your own housc- 
hold together. How can any woman be 
offended? You and she are, at that 
moment, just two tired girls on the high- 
way of life! 

OK, that's three to get lucky. Гус got 
more of them. Later ГЇЇ tell you about 
the toe shoes, the dark glasses and 
ihi goldfah, [3] 


WOMEN 


I packed my bags and left town with the 


kid. He had always wanted to go to 


the Caribbean. I didn't care much. My life 
was shot. ОК. not shot. 

But there comes a time in a woman's Ше 
when too much water has gone under the 
bridge and the idea of knitting seems 
awfully racy, ja 
much trouble- When the prospect of be 
sexual seems appalling. My friends se 
when I said I was never taking my clothes 
oll in company again. “Well, not for a 
year,” I said. “I may not be retired, but 
I'm on a leave of absence. Anybody wants 
to fuck me, he can apply in June 1988.7 

"EH bet you dinner at the Gotham 
you'll get laid in the next two months,” 
said Ri 

“Don't be crude,” I said. “We're talking 
is here.” 
ironclad reasons. One is the 
myth, political propaganda 


I hav 
male-shori 
to make women feel desperate. Wome! 


are 
up jobs 


be 


па pressured intensely to gi 


Antifeminist propaganda has re 
ning high. Even my erstwl 
Baber has joined the band w 
recent Men columns. This depresses me 
Then there are the diseases; then there is 
my personal life. 

Maybe this has happened to you: You're 
demented in love; you spend too long find- 
ing out it will never work. Then you spend 
an equally long time feeling like a plant 
that has been bending toward the sun but 
whose light source has changed 
time to start growing upright aga 
say you know what Î mean. 

Anyway, Barbados is just off Trinidad, 
near the equator; the heat is so thick you 
feel as if you're being ironed. The airport 
probably ten miles from our hotel, but 
wok about 45 inutes, 

in highways were barely 
nd people walked on them, 
often holding parasols or carrying large par- 
cels on their heads. Plenty of wild, strangely 
configured palms, plenty of monk: 

We arrived at our hotel, the Colony 
Club, which probably has the best beach 
situation in the world. Overhanging trees, 
chaise longues under thatched umbrellas, 
the bar and open-air luncheon patio right 
there, so you can get a thickly rammed 
pina colada and lie there getting gently 
drunk and then stroll into the Caribbean, 
which cradles you like a baby. 

I floated and stared at the poisonous 


now it's 
п. Please 


E 
the 
because the n 


cab ride 


two cars wide 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


HOLIDAY HEALING 


manchincel trees and got to feeling rickety 
and strange. The last thing 1 wanted was 
for the tension to ooze Irom my body, 
since it was holding me together. So I got 
dressed and went to the police station 

“I want a driving permit, please,” I 

said to the cutest cop I've ever seen. He 
took my moncy, stared deep into my eyes 
and told me his name was Colin. Perked 
ight up. 
The kid and I went to the flower forest 
and took pictures of cach other. We went 
to the wildlife preserve, where 1 went into 
shock watching a monkey carrying around 
her dead baby while the other monkey 
tried to wrest it from her grasp. We went 
to Bridgetown, the capital, and looked at 
hideous duty-free china. We sweated like 
pigs and drank Banks beer, which is won- 
derful. I was running around as if I were 
in New York. 

That night, while I sing for 
dinner—which you have to do in Barba- 
dos, since there don’t seem to be any inele- 
gant restaurants—the telephone rang. 
This was obviously a mistake; no one was 
allowed to call me. It was the cop. 

I swear I said I would go out with him 
only because the tourists in Barbados 
so unappealing you don't want to talk 
with them. So I said, “Sure. Colin, come 
right over.” 

He doesn't drink; he is in the habit of 
busting people for drugs; he lives with his 
mother and several siblings. “How do you 


as dre: 


© 


like the tourists here?” I asked him. 

“Is there a city in the United States 
led Georgia?” he wondered. “1 
shouldn't say this, but those people are 
rude. Why do they come here, where the 
population is 90 percent black?" What 
could I tell him? 

I don't know, it be 
The sun did the 


me а relationship. 
nevitable and relaxed 

ne. I bought a tiger-print sarong from a 
beach vendor. I snorkeled and saw the 
pretty fishies. Colin called three times a 
day, often fresh from another drug bust. 
We had tiffs, even. More like negotiations. 
About my not being where ГА said Га be, 
about his being late. 

It seemed normal, which I'm not used 
to. I'm used to 1987, the attitudes between 
the sexes being basically “I hate you and 
I'm going to play every game I can think 
of" “Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you!" This 
vacation relationship was organic give- 
and-take; I started dimly remembering 
the way things used to be. 

1 was having vivid dreams and night- 
mares every night to the tune of the ceil- 
ing fan. One morning, I woke up and the 
unhappiness that had been permeating 
me suddenly seemed discrete, tangible. I 
could almost sec it—a black bundle of 
misery—and I was beginning to separate 
from it. I don't want to be like this any- 
more, I thought. I'm going to stop. 

“Pm hungry, Mom; let's go to break- 
fast" said thc kid. We ate papaya and 
pancakes and drank strong tea and 
decided we were 100 lazy to ever move 
I felt my misery floating away, off 
nto space. Tropical strangeness. 

Meanwhile, I was hardly letting Colin 
hold my hand. Too soon it was my last 
ight. Colin 
beach. Every 
closed up. He thought I was a ma 
used up some courage to put my arm 
around his waist, where 1 felt a bulge. He 
wasn't glad to sce me; he had a pistol in 
his pocket. We came to some rocks. 

"Let's go skinny-dipping.” 

“I don't want to.” 

“Why not? 

What could I say? Because I'm a dried- 
up prunc? Untrusting and frightened? 
Let's go skinny-dipping.” 

Reader, I looked up. At that moment, a 
star dropped straight down from the sky. 1 
looked at the sea, then at Colin, grinning 
in the dark. 1 started untying my 
eng What the hell; you ОВУ 


31 


Eventually you'll arrive at Finlandia. 


i 


M 
\ 
Ag 
$ 


"d е Dik if 


The world’s finest vodka. 


AGAINST THE WIND 


М; accountant and I met for the 
first timc at a place called The 
Adventurers Club. Very damned appro- 
priate, it seemed to me, because I'd been 
crouched in the deep bush for years and 
years without paying Federal income tax 
(Against the Wind. v . April). I'd had 
my reasons at the time I went off the track, 
but Га outgrown them; and now I wanted 
passage back over to the legal side of the 
border, which was going to take a guide 
who knew how to wield the big machete. 

Just inside the door of the clubroom, a 
monstrous grizzly, arms spread, jaws 
open, loomed over us as if to say, "If I 
weren't dead, you'd be lunch.” Antlered 
heads stared from the walls across the 
room into a glass casc where a couple of 
shrunken heads napped side by side—a 
sort of reminder, I thought, that in some 
places, death and taxes are not only inevi- 
table, they are the same thing. 

‘Chances are good you won't go to 
1," the accountant said by way of open- 
ing the conversation, trying to calm me 
down. “Unless, of course, you lie about 
your income or otherwise try to defraud 
the Government. I don't know of a single 
case where someone who has turned 
selfin voluntarily has actually done time.” 
He was careful to add that nothing was 
guaranteed; anything was possible if some- 
body at the IRS got a hair up his ass. 

I rendered my situation for him as hon- 
estly as I could: A decade or so outside the 
em, I don't know what | owe—and 
whatever it is, I didn't have it then and I 
don't have it now. He nodded, said he'd 
had c like this before, and then he 
started talking logistics. 

Finally, I said, “You know, I think the 
main reason | haven't kept up with this 
stuffis that I'm scared of money. Just deep 
down terrified.” 

"Me, too," the accountant. 1 
decided that was the right answer, in the 
spirit of great climbers Гуе known who 
say things like “If you're not afraid of 
heights, you don't belong up here 

A couple of days later, I sat amid the 
rubble of old checkbooks and receipts and 
1099s. Over the years, Pd thrown all ту 
financial records into a large trunk against 
the day I knew Га have to take this trip; 
and once I had them out and on the fl 
around me, the situation did: 
bad as Pd expected—it seemed worse, 
much worse. I'd been trying to keep my 
sense of humor about the whole thing. and 
Pd done all right up to then; but as 1 


sc 


By CRAIG VETTER 


TAX FUGITIVE II 


began picking through the garbage heap 
of my records, all laughter died a whim- 
pering sort of death. 

I'd put a quote from Ralph Waldo 
Emerson on an index card before Га 
begun, and I read it again to try to get 
my mind moving in the right direction: 
"Money, which represents the prose of 


life, and which is hardly spoken of in par- 
n 


ts elects 


lors without an apology, is, 
and laws, as beautiful as roses. 

I tried to remember as many of the laws 
of money as I could; and as I did, 
became clear that if those laws are really 


anything like roses, what they amount to 
for people like me is the garden of agony. 
If money is just a way of keeping score, for 


instance, shouldn't there be a slaughter 
rule for those who fall hopelessly behind? 
And if money doesn't buy happiness, why 
is it that poverty scems to buy worry and 
trouble in such wholesale lots? 

An hour after Pd begun sorting the 
nasty scraps, I had that sweat on me that 
smells morc like piss than like perspira- 
tion. I took it to be the pure distilled 
essence of every fearful moment I'd spent 
fleeing financial adulthood. I tried to tell 
myself to relax, that it was only money we 
were dealing with here. Then I found a 
six-year-old telephone bill with a long- 
distance call on it that had cost me $24. 
1 remembered it vividly: a pathetic, 
anguished call, just one of a series of des- 
perate late-night conversations that had 


ended in the kind of pain it takes years to 
shake. And it hit me—none of this is 
about money. Every old envelope con- 
tained at least one canceled check, or a 
bill, or an I O U that was a trap door to 
some scene I didn't want replayed. 

Just before Га started the sorting, a 
reporter friend had said something he'd 
meant to be encouraging. "Once you've 
taken your deductions and figured them 
against your earnings, you probably won't 
owe that much. 1 mean, a journalist can 
pretty much write his whole life oft." Over 
the 15 hours it took me to put those years 
on columnar paper, it occurred to me that 
there were three meanings to his words 
and that only one of them had to do with 
the IRS. 

So far, it's taken five sessions, a couple 
of hours cach, with the accountant to 
assemble the fragments of my sorry fiscal 
life into the kinds of line items and final 
sums that fit onto a tax return. A half ап 
hour into the interviews, I was ready to 
bolt, to go to jail if that was what it 
meant—anything to end the horrible per- 
sonal inventory he was taking. 

“Апа what year were you divorced?" 

“Oh, God... ah... 1983 for the formal 
decree, I think.” 

No. I mean the first 

“Oh, Christ. й 

Then, while I sat there fighting off a 
memory with a face like a meat-eating 
bear, he'd riffle through the books and 
charts and tables that contained the appli- 
cable IRS laws of money—the Federal 
roses—for that year. Every now and then, 
he'd brighten and say something like “Oh, 
this is excellent,” and then he'd read the 
double- and quadruple-negative speak of 
some old statute that seemed to move 
things a measly distance in my favor. I 
sat there wondering whether it's proper to 
thank the man who brings you a cup of 
poison because he's managed to spill some 
of it on the way out of the kitchen. 

On my walks home from the sessions 
with the accountant, I gave myself all 
the little Zen sermons about the uni- 
verse unfolding just as it should whether 
we know it or not, but they didn't work. 
The estimate of what I owe so far is awful. 
Of course, if the IRS lets me pay it off ata 
couple of hundred bucks a month, it's go- 
ing to take only 10 or 12 years to settle up. 
Then again, I haven't even heard from the 
Government yet, and it may have an- 
other idea on how to prune my roses. 

1 can't wait. 


vorce.” 


ее 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Ba the June 1986 Playboy Advisor, 
vised that there is no safe way to 
increase the length of one’s penis. Let me 
sk you, is there an unsafe way to do it 
Um sick and tired of missing out on so 
much action just because I am a dimple 
dick. I am attractive, affectionate and vir- 
ile, but my erections are on the small side 
of average and the flaccid state is down- 

ight embarrassing. The sex “experts” 
insist that size really doesn't matter, but 
that is a crock! Just check out any of the 
swingers! magazines. At bars, women will 
е me the eye; but when they r 
crotch, the eye is all I 


no sexually tra itted di 
sess all the other qualities of a good lover: 
it is just that the tool doesn’t measure up. 
Pm ready to try anything. To me, it’s 
worth the risk. After all, when a hooker 
akes one look at you and offers a 
discount—what more can 1 say? Thanks 
for any advice or referrals —D. L., Cin- 
cinnati, Ohio. 

Sorry, but your argument doesn't measure 
up. We suspect that your basic problem is not 
in the size of your penis—it’s in your head. 
Numerous studies have shown that clitoral 
stimulation —not the size of a lover's penis — 
is the key to sexual satisfaction in women. 
lf you suspect that you're particularly 
underendowed, see a urologist or an. endo- 
crinologist for an examination that can 
determine whether there is a physiological or 
hormonal cause for your problem. Otherwise, 
you're just going to have to learn to live with 
yourself the way you are. In your letter, you 
describe yourself with many positive. ad- 
jectives—and we think those are the traits 
and qualities you should emphasize when 
dealing with women. We believe that once you. 
find а caring, understanding partner who 
will accept you as you are, your concerns will 
be banished forever. In the meantime, we 
repeat: There is no safe, effective means of 
increasing the size of the penis. Many of the 
products you see advertised that make such 
claims are not only ineffective but potentially 
dangerous, Change your attitude and save 
your money 


Wi lizer added to my 


stereo system, I plan to record a lot of my 
cassettes in the near future. This equalizer 
features a pink-noise generator and is 
capable of recording equalized tapes. 1 am 
sure that this will greatly enhance the 
quality of my recordings, but my questions 
Am I better off recording the mi 
equalized to my current listening room's 
acoustics, or will a nonequalized record- 
ing yield better sound quality when 1 
the equalizer to accommodate 
partments and rooms (considering 
room dime: carpeting, fur- 


th a 


new e 


re 


niture, etc.)? Will I minimize the equaliz- 
er's capability by playing equalized tape 
number one (recorded in room number 
one) in room number two with the cqual- 
izer compensating for thal room's acousti- 
cal character? Of course, this is just 
another of life’s quandaries. What's my 
best move?—G. J., Madison, Wisconsin. 
We recommend that you not equalize your 
tapes when you record them. It would be best 
to use the equalizer to compensate for a 
room's acoustics al the time of playback. As 
you mentioned, you will get бейет sound 
quality in a future listening room by compen- 
sating for that room's acoustics with a non- 
equalized tape rather than by possibly having 
to make large compensations to balance out a 
tape equalized to a different room. Another 
reason is that nonequalized tapes will be 
available for playback in your car stereo, in a 
portable unit or at a friend's. house. This 
would not be true of an equalized tape. If 
your room's acoustics dictate the need for 
severe equalizations, pre-equalized tapes may 
sound terrible in another environment. Your 
best bet is to record the tapes without equali- 
zations and use the settings specified by the 
pink-noise generator for playback of your 
tapes. That approach will allow you the best 
sound quality now and in fulure applications. 


AIDS has increas 


ale 


1 our awareness of 
Now a lot of my friends are us- 
ing condoms or trying to. The resistance 
we get is amazing—inane remarks such 
as "b can't feel a thing when I wear a 
condom; it’s like wearing a raincoat in 
the shower." Got any witty responses for 
liss E. W., Hartford, 


this situation? 
Connecticut. 
‘Can't feel a thing? Then you won't mind if 


1 practice nipple piercing, or open-heart sur- 
gery, or my heavy-metal SIM act on your 
backside,” No, we're not sure that levity is the 
best solution for this kind of confrontation. 
Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality ran 
a list of typical remarks of defensive, resistant 
or manipulative partners. There are those 
who argue they don't need to use condoms: "I 
know I'm clean [disease-free]: 1 haven't had 
sex with anyone in X months.” The suggested 
response: "Thanks for telling me. As far asl 
know, I'm disease-free, loo. But Га still like 
to use a condom, since either of us could 
have an infection and not know it.” Then 
there are partners who argue that “condoms 
are unnatural, fake and a total turn-off. 
The suggested response: “There's nothing 
great about genital infections, either—either 
give the condom a try or let's look for alterna- 
tives.” "What alternatives do you have in 
mind?” “Just petting and maybe some man- 
ual stimulation. Or we could postpone 
orgasm, even though 1 know we both want 
it.” Then there are the manipulative assholes 
who rant, “This is an insult. You seem to 
think I'm some sort of disease-ridden slut or 
gigolo." The prim-and-proper response: “1 
didn't say or imply that. 1 care about us both 
and about our relationship. In my opinion, 
ils best to use a condom.” And then the last 
gasp of the desperate: “Just this once.” Reply: 
“Once is all it takes.” Clearly, there is a lot of 
pressure and urgency out there. Taking time 
to talk it out will not destroy the passion. 


M reconitty пей а healthi club û got back 
in shape, lose my love handles and per- 
haps find someone to work out with in the 
best two out of three falls. What's the lat- 
est theory on the best time of day for 
exercising?—R. F., Des Moines. Iowa. 

For over-all fitness, find a time that will fit 
your schedule. If you don't make your work- 
outs, nothing happens. No matter what time 
of day you work out, your body does the same 
amount of work. However, according to a 
recent study, if you exercise in the morning 
on an empty stomach, the calories you burn 
come more from fat than from lean, so you 
may slim down faster if you skip that break- 
fast at McDonald's and hunker down over à 
short stack of iron. As for the social side of 
working out, it varies from club to club. If 
you like playing to crowds, the after-work ses- 
sions are prime time. The people you meet in 
the off hours are more likely to be serious fit- 
ness freaks, which, to our minds, makes them 
more interesting. 


Wi; кийиш goes ш a «бой in 
another state. One of the ways we keep 
this long-distance alfair going is by 
exchanging sex fantasies by mail. V 
read Anais Nin's nie Barbach's 
collections of sexual fantasies, as well 
the books by Nancy Friday. We then try to 


PLAYBOY 


custom-tailor fantasies for cach other. 
Neat, right? Now, here is the problem, if it 
a problem: We've noticed that my fanta- 
sies are longer and more varied than hers. 
Does this bode ill for the relationship? Гуе 
read that different levels of desire in a cou- 
ple can wreak havoc. Are different fanta- 
sies an сапу warning?—P. J., Boston, 
Massachusetts. 

Relax. If you are uninhibited enough to 
share fantasies, this relationship has a great 
chance of making it into the Playboy Advisor 
Hall of Fame. Don't let distance be the only 
excuse for sharing X-rated scenarios; be sure 
to keep it up when you're next to each other. И 
happens that the differences you've noticed 
are normal. Two researchers at the Univer- 
sity of South Carolina asked students to write 
sexual fantasies, Males wrote longer, more 
explicit and varied fantasies than did 
females. There were some interesting differ 
ences in how the sexes reacted to examples of 
fantasy. Males, when they read fantasies 
involving sexual activity within relation- 
ships, mentioned more specific sex organs 
than did males reading materials involving 
casual strangers. Females included more sex 
organs when they read examples describing 
sexual encounters between casual strangers 
than when they read fantasies describing sex 
within a relationship. You figure it out. Not 
surprisingly, the level of guilt that a partici- 
pant experienced affected the length of the 
fantasy he or she wrote. When a person is 
uptight, his or her fantasies are shorter and 
show less variety. And people who feel guilty 
are less aroused by the fantasies they read or 
write. But listen—being totally without guilt 
and terminally horny, we enjoy a good fan- 
tasy, loo. Next lime you write, send us a fan- 
азу. Maybe we'll publish it. 


What is the vest са. 


IMlinois. 

Best for what? Commuting to work? 
Transporting teenagers? Winning slalom 
competitions? Impressing the socks off your 
friends and neighbors? The point is, there is 
no “best car,” though there may be a best one 
for you. To find it, first get your priorities 
straight: Decide which attributes and charac- 
teristics are most important to you. No car 
can be best al everything, so you will have to 
make some trade-offs and sacrifice some econ- 
omy for performance, ride softness for corner- 
ing agility, style for practicality, features or 
quality for a lower price. List these things, in 
order of importance, along with financial 
and other considerations, and use them as a 
check list for shopping. Get some car maga- 
zines and buyers” guides and consult an 
expert, if possible. But beware the one- 
marque “expert” who believes his car is great 
and everything else is junk—such free advice 
is worth exactly what you pay for it, Above 
all, don't make the common mistake of decid- 
ing what you want and then focusing on the 
“deal.” A good deal on the wrong car is not a 
good deal at all. 


. R., Evanston, 


F met a woman some time ago, but we've 
seen cach other infrequently and non- 


Recently, she let me know 
someone she had been seeing had 
asked her to sce him exclusively and that 
she had agreed. She added that she would 
like to continue seeing me as a friend and, 
when asked, made it clear that there could 
be something more than just friendship 
between us if the relationship didn’t work 
out. Now, this woman is a 31-year-old 
(Um 38), successful corporate type who I 
think wouldn't say something she didn't 
mean, My head tells me that if she’s worth 
it, and I don’t let this stop me from seeing 
other women, then there's no harm in an 
occasional drink with her after work. My 
heart says this will make me look like a 
stage-door Johnny, she'll sce this as a will- 
ingness to be second choice, and why be a 
masochist? What's your opinion?—L. T 
Los Angeles, California. 

There's nothing wrong with being a friend 
toa woman—and besides, neither of you has 
ruled. out the possibility that there might be 


something more between you down the line. If 


you are more hung up on this woman than 
you've realized or admitted and find that 
merely being friends is difficult, you'll have to 
make your feelings known to her or just with- 
draw gradually from dealing with her as time 
goes on. For now, however, why nol at least 
give friendship a chance? Al the same time, 
keep your options open by meeting and dat- 
ing other women. You may find you need a 
friend, 


An original suggestion for the Venus 
butterfly (The Playboy Advisor, March and 
June): Pucker your lips, drawing them 
tightly around your teeth. Then, keeping 
the tension up, form a small opening the 
diameter of a pencil between them. Place 
your pucker on your partner's clitoris and 
move your tongue to the back of your 
mouth, forming a suction and drawin 
her in. Release the suction by moving your 
tongue forward again. This technique is 
distinguished from similar ones by the fact 
that the tongue is not used for direct stim- 
ulation, and with a litte practice, you can 
average between four and six reversals 
direction per seeond.—H, Bi, Holbrook, 
New York. 

Your entry was late but worth publishing. 
Thanks. 


Bm 5'6" and а real fashion plate. E have 
my clothes altered and they are well fit- 
ting; however, I have a problem with ties’ 
13 properly. It seems the only way a 
tie is short enough is when 1 tie a Windsor 
knot. Any suggestions?—-H. W., Sacra- 
mento, California. 

A Windsor knot, as you sugges, is a very 
good way to shorten a too-long lie, since it 
takes up an extra inch or so with the wrap- 
over, Another solution is to tie the knot so that 
the wider outside piece is at the right position 
or length (mid—belt buckle) and the narrower 
piece in back is tucked inside the shirt (at 
about the second or third button), with the 
bottom of the tie tucked into the trousers. It is 


also possible to have some lies altered; compa- 
nies that narrow ties can shorten them. 


Hos can you iell if your parner is 
frigid? I'm going with a woman whom I 
feel 1 love, but our sex life leaves some- 
thing to be desired. I don't get the im- 
pression that she is even interested in 
sex. What are the symptoms of a real prob- 
lem?—G. D., Atlanta, Georgia. 

Frigid is a great word to describe the 
weather, not women. Helen Singer Kaplan 
created a set of guidelines for diagnosing 
inhibited sexual desire (1.5.0). A person has 
to meet al least three of the following criteria: 
“a lifelong history of asexuality, phobic 
avoidance of sex, low level of initiation or 
sexual receptivity, low frequency of sexual 
activity, a consistent negative reaction to sex- 
ual activity, verbal expression of a lack of 
interest in sex, significant decrease in libido 
from a past norm for that particular individ- 
ual, engaging in sex for reasons other than 
desire (e.g., to avoid hurting a partners feel- 
ings) and partner complaint." A receut study 
published in. Archives of Sexual Behavior 
compared a group of women suffering from 
LS.D. with a group of other women. Some 
interesting differences emerged. Women with 
LS.D. initiated intercourse five percent or 
less of the time; the majority of the non-1.S.D. 
women initiated sex 50 percent or more of the 
time. The majority of women with 1.5.0. 
refused sex more than half the time, whereas 
96.3 percent of the non-I.S.D. women 
refused five percent or less of the ime. More 
than half of the husbands of the 1.5.0. 
women had almost stopped initiating love- 
making because of the refusals, whereas none 
of the non-LS.D. women reported this. 
Women with 1.S.D. were less aroused by fore- 
play and intercourse. And they were less com- 
municalive: Only 33 percent of the 1.5.0). 
women asked their partners for what pleased 
them, compared with 55 percent of the other 
group. The causes of the dysfunction are not. 
completely clear: The researchers found, for 
example, that women suffering from 1.S.D. 
thought their parents had negative attitudes 
toward sex and that they had grown up with 
little parental demonstration of affection. 
Contrary to some previous findings, women 
with 1.S.D. were more likely to have engaged 
in premarital sex than were their non-1.S.D. 
beers. And many of the women had developed 
the problem during the course of their cur 
rent marriage. If you think your relationship 
fils this picture, you should find a qualified 
sex therapist or family counselor. Change the 
things you can change and live with the vest. 


Al reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquetle—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Hlinots 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


TO FILL OUT YOUR COMPACT DISC COLLECTION, 
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© 1987 Columba House | 


Wills—The Return of 
Bruno. Motown] 
352245 Dowid 
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DEAR 


PLAYMATES 


Thre question tor the month: 


Is there anything about the way you 
look that you don’t like? 


f. 1 feel tha 
could 


Bim very happy with m 
I'm proportioned well, but if 1 
change anything, I'd change 
and my feet. | 
would be taller 
Pe SE. Pa 
add two inches 
and I would be 
happier. It 
would make a 
big difference 
to a modeling 
Those 
iwo inches 
could tak 
into bigger cit- 
ics bigger mar m 
kets. Otherwise, people think of m 


my height 


career. 


fect aren't as petite as the reste 
don't like my toes. I'd like to have a more 


delicate-looking foot. Well, ther 


SHERRY ARNETT 
JANUARY 1986 


n quite thrilled with my 
small. [t doesn't have a 
r Thomas’. My 
ther than 
al little. 1 


nose. Is kind « 
perfect shape, like Heath 
hands are kind of small, ı 
long and slender. My butt's 
mean. it’s 
but its small 
you know? Гус 
always liked 
the cheerleader 
bubble butt 
and Гус 
had one 
to my ne 
a second 

fantasy is 


My 


glamoroi 
geons nose 
mot my cute, 


short little nose with tiny nostrils. | have 
strils in the world! 


the tiniest ne 


) = 
i Hype om 


LYNNE AUSTIN 
JULY 1986 


but I would never tell 
to know why? Because some- 
e parts of your body or face 
fied with that oth- 


а sou 
times there 
that you may be di 


when I sec 


sma 


my breasts. I alous 


women with rı 


ers don't sec. If you go to the trouble to 
point them out, Hey. 


get j 
ally 


meone may зау 1 breasts. 


she's right.” If Then you can be more active. All of a sud- 
vou say ath- den, at 17, | blossomed out. Until then. Т 
ng, other peo never even got noticed. People kept saying 
ple may mot “You never used to look like tliis; vou were 
even node à skinny lite twerp." 

Why wuld? i om 

point out mw % Gare 

flaws to your er CHER BUTLER 
readers? I know AUGUST 1985 
D have them. 

Т nor a. Big ty glamorous. Um com- 
deal now the fortable with my looks, and I feel at ease 
way GU owas ео а 

when I was a i front ol 

tecnägenand used (о dwell oni such things. someone. 1 

Now I say, “So what" Nobody's perfect don't worry 


= about it. ] used 
Алі, GA A ERE а 
plex about my 
R 


CAROL FICAT nose when I 
DECEMBER 1985 was geting 

ady for high 

Mi 1 could change one thing about my- school It 


sell, Га give myself perfect. vision. 1 slopes up. They 
see so badly sed to call me 
that when I Ski Slope. [t 
walk down the bothered me when they said it. but then 
street, people 1 all of a sudden. it didn't bother me anv- 


know think I'm 
ignoring the 
IF 1 could 
change a 
thing else, Ud 


more. I guess Û outgrew their teasing 


ева Gurgaon 


REBEKKA ARMSTRONG 
SEPTEMBER 1986 


be — physically 

E ed INI í like all of my body. If there is any 
бу Seite Yann х of me that 1 work harder on than 

more. Other- other, it's 

wise, T try to be happy with the way Lam. hip arca. 

1 don't think the physical things are as зеп seem to 

important as p in trouble 

nd the 

and а lot‏ سے 

fat ends 

LAURIE CARR UP there. I like 

DECEMBER 1086 my hips, but I 

work hard (o 

There are tots ts 1 don't like. | Keep them in 


shape. I think 


don't like my te big, Ask 


me to smile and you: have, ta 
all you sec is E \ accept what 
Жен PA has been given to you and be happy with 
like my breasts ¿and 1 am happy with it, Of course, it's 
hee tor good prove on what you have been 


ven, too. 


big. too, I know 
ke them, 


but 1 can't run; DONNA EDMONDSON 
theyre always NOVEMBER 195 
getting in the 
way Clothes 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 


Чо ft right; Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 


EE N u 
amer А MY nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
ned rese . able io answer every question, but we'll try. 
big, also. They're bigger than most men's. 


-l thin! 


that’s it. Mostly, it's my teeth and 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


Kings, 17 mg, “tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotine; 100's, 17 mg. “tar”, 1.3 mg. nicotinerLights 
Kings, 10 mg. "tar", 0.8 mg. nicotine; Lights 100°, 11 mg. "tar", 0.9 mg. nicotine; 
Menthol Kings, 18 mg. “tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


© 1987 B&W T Co. 


Suggested retail price of Richland 25's is the same as that of regular price 205. 9 


3 DLE os Nero NY 


X eran n 1007 кеш pets Del Frog 


PLAYBOY 


FORUM 


PRAISE THE LORD AND 
PASS THE POPCORN 


the Meese commission issued 
its findings on the connection between 
pornography and violence, some of the 
researchers who had testified before 
the commission said that their work on 
pornography had been misinterpreted. 
Violence, not erotica, they said, causes 
harm to society. That point became a 
rallying cry for people who wanted to 
protect raveoy from the pious anti 
pornographers who wanted to keep 
Debbie Does Dallas out of the clutches of 
the National Federation for Decency 

We should have known better. You 
cannot escape being a scapegoat by 
offering up an- 
other scapegoat 
One man's vio- 
lence is another 
man's Friday 
Night Video. 

We are finding 
that the dynamics 
of the violence 
witch-hunt are the 
same as thosc of 
the sexuality 
witch-hunr A 
glimpse of a naked 
body, claim the 
witch-hunters, 
leads to rape; a 
glance at a fist 
ight leads to mur- 
der. Witness the 
National Coalition 
on Television Vio- 
lence, a group 
against violence iı 
stores 

A copy of the N.C.T. V. newsletter 
reads like a Consumer Reports of car- 
nage. It gives capsule summaries and 
ratings of some of our favorite junk 
movies. The Meese commission fo- 
cused on the most violent forms of 
pornography, then tried to censor the 
mildest forms of erotica. N.C.T.V. 
starts with the most noteworthy exam- 
ples of violence before moving on to the 
ridiculous. Once you start looking for 
violence, it's everywhere. 

Avenging Force received N.C.T.V.s 
highest rating, XUnfit, as the most vio- 
lent movie of 1986. It has 121 acts of 
violence: "After dozens of murders and 
much pseudopolitical babble, the 
movie comes to its inevitable conclu- 
sion, a brutal man hunt in the bayou 
country of Louisiana. Alcohol glorified 
Violence includes much shooting, 


movics and in toy 


punching, stabbing, kicking, choking, 
bombing, impaling; attacks with 
spears, crossbow, grenades; car chases 
and crashes; men pushed off 
buildings.” 

Here's another winner of the XUnfit 
award. Guess the title: "In Texas, two 
demented brothers continue the string 
of chain-saw murders they started 14 
years carlier. A disc jockey and a police 
lieutenant investigate the crimes, and 
they discover that the two lunatics 
work for their father, a chili maker 
who uses human flesh as a special 
ingredient in his sauce. Violence 

includes many 
murders with 
chain saws and 
hammers; shoot- 
ing, punching, 
chasing. choking. 
knifing. One of thc. 
heroes holds a 
lamp to the plate 
in a man’s head 
and  clectrocutes 
him." 

No contest—the 
film is The Texas 
Chainsaw Massa- 
cre, Part 2. 

OK, well con- 
cede that these 
movies aren't what 
you'd want to 
watch with your 
five-year-old; but 
then again, we 

haven't noticed a sudden epidemic of 
people with plates in their heads’ being 
electrocuted in copycat killings. 

And how about those movies you 
will want to watch with your kind 
gartner? How about that Walt Disney 
classic Lady and the Tramp? 

"In this animated 
film, a foot-loose dog of 
the streets meets and 
falls in love with a pedi- 
greed house dog. They 
have a series of adven- 
tures together, many of 
which relate to an ill- 
natured aunt who baby- 
sits for the children of 
Lady's master. Vio- 
lence includes biting, 
fighting, chasing, shooting." 

CTV. has a hard-on for Disney: 
"Few entertainment writers have noted 
the high levels of violence in cer- 


tain Disney movies like The Black Hole, 
TRON or Something Wicked This Way 
Comes. None has questioned the selling 
of war toys at Disneyland and the sev- 
eral violent amusements provided to 
children." OK, scratch the trip to 
Epcot Center. Let's take the kids to the 
ballet. Sorry; here is N.C. T. Vs review 
of The Nutcracker: "The story concerns 
a young girl's dreams about her cecen- 
tric uncle and a nutcracker she receives 
as a Christmas gift. Violence includes a 
battle between soldiers and mice using 
swords, bayonets and cannons.” 

As self-appointed censors, the guys 
at N.C.T.V. are connoisseurs. They 
are like safe-crackers who sand their 
finger tips for increased sensitivity. In 
onc movie, they found “violence lim- 
ited to some shooting on a TV show." 
These guys go to a movie and look at 
what's on the tube in the movie? This 
must be violence's equivalent to pas- 
sive smoking. 

N.C.T.V's editors have gone where 
no man has gone before, let alone Gene 
and Roger. For Slar Trek ГУ: The Voy- 
age Home, they claimed "mild profan- 
ity, alcohol use. Violence includes 
chasing, gun threat, one Vulcan nerve 
pinch.” 

They borrow the boycott tactics of 
the Reverend Donald Wildmon, en- 
couraging pressure campaigns against 
advertisers who support violence 
in television. If we hadn't read their 
newsletter, how would we have guessed 
that “the U.S. military was the 
number-one sponsor of violent TV pro- 
graming, followed by General Motors 
and almost every U.S. and Japanese 
automotive company 

If you can't find people who actively 
engage in violence, then ferret out the 

fellow travelers. Are you 

now or have you ever 

been a Clint Eastwood 

fan? Gosh, these cam- 

paigns of gentle pressure 

are fun. We've got to 

drop these guys a line 

and tell them thanks. 

N.C.F.V.'s address is 

P.O. Box 2157, Cham- 

Illinois 61820. 

We'd go there in person, 

but we don't want to join 

a club of people who've seen more vio- 

lent movies than we have. They're 
probably dangerous. 

— JAMES R PETERSEN 


41 


42 


R E 


MEDIA MINISTRY 
It’s interesting that the Rever- 
end Jim Bakker has never had a 
problem with calling sin by its 
right name—until recently. Too 
bad we can't all blame our trans- 
gressions on “treacherous former 
friends” who “wickedly manipu- 
lated" us. 
Mike Pusch 
Omaha, Nebraska 


I find it amazing that the media 
have made so little out of the 
television-evangelist scandals. Jim 
Bakker’s sexual gooliness and 
Tammy Bakker's make-up artistry 
are being treated as something to 
clicit guffaws, while the real sins of 
these people are ignored. Tele- 
vangelists are using the Gospel to 
make money—loıs of it. They are 
preying upon people, many of 
whom can ill afford the gifts they 
give. This is the sin of the Bakkers 
and other evangelists like them. Let 
Jim have his tawdry affair and 
Tammy her mascara, but stop them 
from supporting their lavish life- 
style with money that should right- 
fully go to helping others. 

J. Landers 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


We should thank whatever God 
there is that the behavior of funda- 
mentalists is restricted by our cul- 
ture and political traditions. If it 
weren't, we'd have the U.S. equiva- 
lent of Lebanon, where hostility 
between Moslem fundamentalists 
and Christians is at the heart of 
religious wars. 

B. Collins 
Bloomington, Indiana 


Last усаг, the Bakkers’ 
reported $129,000,000 in revenues, 
$44,000,000 of that in the form of tax- 
exempt contributions from their tele 
sion audience. PTL Club paid the 
Bakkers nearly $5,000,000 in salary and 
bonuses, a decent wage even by Wall 
Street standards, and Tammy and Jim 
claim that PTL owes them as much as 
$9,000,000 in royalty payments. IRS 
rules for tax-exempt organizations such 
as PTL require that no individual 
receive funds except as “reasonable” 
payment for goods and services—but 
that hasn't stopped the Bakkers from 
drawing a hefty pay check. 


ministry 


E R 


FOR THE RECORD 


SEND IN THE CLOWNS 

As usual, the porn-film industry is under 
fire—but this time from its own people. The 
reason? AIDS. 

The fire's coming from we camps: those 
who feel that they should make only sale-sex 
porn movies and those who, like producer- 
actor Bill Margold, believe that safe-sex films 
are “a fad [and] not what America wants to 
sce. They want to see us taking chances. It’s 
like a circus, They don't want to see a net 
under the high-wire act.” 


Even the Assemblies of God church, 
in which Bakker was a minister, shows 
little interest in the financial aspects of 
the PTL scandal. Charles Cookman, the 
Assemblies of God superintendent in 
charge of investigating the affair, said he 
had not looked into the question of 
whose money had been used to hush up 
Jessica Hahn. “It’s not under my pur- 
view," he said. “The question of moral- 
ity is under my purview.” Apparently, 
for these people, personal spending of 
money intended for religi 
has no moral sig 


"Tom Daubert 
Helena, Montana 
Televangelisis seem to have brought to 
the tube only one practice of Christianity: 
the collection plate. They perform acts not 


of charity but of greed and self- 
aggrandizement. At their best, 
churches are congregations of people 
who altend to one another т the 
spirit. of their faith. Electronic minis- 
tries do away with the communal 
aspects of the church. Since 
teleministers never face their congre- 
gations, they get to use the cash 
contributions for their own ends, their 
own ideas of Christianity. In 1979, 
Billy Graham denounced the new 
breed of televangelists: He formed 
the Evangelical Council for Finan- 
cial Accountability. According to 
Journalist Henry Fairlie, not one of 
the top ten televangelists belongs to 
the council—in fact, all ten consist- 
ently breach its code. Even as the 
Reverend Jerry Falwell was calling 
for a new accountability, his money 
machine was sending out letters to 
several hundred thousand followers 
asking for more cash for Christ. This 
time, Falwell wants to raise 
$8,000,000 to produce a television 
special on AIDS for prime-time 
preaching. (This is approximately 
eight times the average cost of an 
episode of “Moonlighting” or "Mag- 
num, P.L," and we can assure you 
that it won't have snappy dialog or a 
car chase.) Falwell, in his usual 
smarmy way, exploits a genuine соп. 
cern, pumps it up with a taste of the 
apocalyplic and begs you to reach 
deeper into your pockets: “Please, 1 
beg you, don't fail to heed this warn- 
ing; for if we don't take immediate 
action, AIDS will prove to be the 
final epidemic, with millions dy- 
ing each year Only God can 
save our nation from the ALDS epi- 
demic. . . . The homosexual and the 
prohomosexual politicians have joined. 
together with the liberal gay-influenced 
media to cover up the facts concerning 
AIDS." Will Falwell make his. special? 
Maybe. Will it cost 88,000,000? Maybe. 
Will every penny he receives go for this 
project, as promised? Maybe. But you have 
no real way of knowing. If Jesus came back, 
would he do a TV special on AIDS. от 
would he minister to the dying? 


FOREIGN RELATIONS 
AIDS is causing new anti-American 
sentiment in the Philippines. Why? Be- 
cause thousands of Filipina “hospitality 
girls” are being tested for AIDS—os- 
tensibly to protect American 
Anti-American groups claim that the 


R E S 


-= OR UM 


P O 


Servicemen brought the disease to their 
islands. They аге demanding the 
removal of U S. military bases and com- 
pensation from the U.S. Government to 
AIDS victims and their families 

AIDS is providing a new wrinkle not 
only in sexual relations but in foreign 
rel as well. 


ions 


Mark Jenkins 
Boston, Massachusetts 


HOW WE DIE 

One television ad says, “Fm a nice 
guy who gocs out with nice girls. But 
these days, some pretty terrible things 
arc happening to some pretty nice peo- 
ple.” The speaker is referring to AIDS 
and the ad attempts to sell condoms. Out 
of curiosity—and as an attempt to allay 
my ow (cars about getting AIDS—I did 
a little checking and found out that some 
other pretty terrible things happen to 
some pretty nice people, too. In 1984, the 
most recent year for which statistics are 
complete, 765,114 people died of heart 
disease; 453,492 people died of cancer; 
154,327 people died of strokes, 92,911 
people died in accidents; 69,100 died of 
pulmonary disease; 58,894 people died 
of pneumonia and influenza; 35,787 peo- 
ple died of diabetes; 29,286 people com- 
mitted suicide; 27,317 people died of 
cirthosis of the liver; 24,462 people died 
of atherosclerosis; 20,126 people died of 
kidney disease; 19,796 people died as a 
result of homicide. 

In 1984, 4380 people died of AIDS. 
The figure has increased in three years to 
19, 394, but even so, you still stand a 
greater chance of catching a lethal flu 
than you do of getting AIDS. 

M. Cook 
Los Angeles, California 


AIDS RELIEF 
I've read many stories about the AIDS 
epidemic, most of which indicate that 
everyone is going to catch the disease. But 
alter reading the New York Times ¢ 
"AIDS Alarms, and False 
reprinted in The Playboy Forum in May, I 
realize that 1 have little reason to worry 
that / will get AIDS. I am currently in a 
mutually monogamous relationship and 
I know that none of my former sex part- 
ners would ever have had sex with a 

member of a high-risk group. 

Brent Lee 
Long Beach, California 
Don't get carried away by confidence: the 
virus does exist, and you cannot tell if a per- 
son has ever used LV. drugs or slept with a 
homosexual, И doesn't pay to be paranoid —. 


that was the point of the editorial—but 
there is still room for caution, For now, we'd 
agree that you have no cause jor alarm. If 


М S E 


state senator W. D. Childers, arc those 
that mention sexual intercourse, sexual 
acts or human feces. 


your situation changes, practice safe sex. It 


won't hurt. 


MAMMAIS VS. REPTILES 
sur “Commentary” “Does 
pression Cause Violence?" (The 
Playboy Forum, May) illustrates 
that “mammalian” behavior. 
which includes nuzzling and hug- 
ging one’s young, is behaviorally 
superior to—in fact, more human 
than—reptilian behavior, which is 
characterized by an absence of 
physical affection. The question 
we have to answer is, How do we 
encourage the pleasure-giving 
aspects of our society? It’s obvious 
that repressive elements in the 
United States are in control—we 
have to change that situation 

Michael Rinclla 
Albany, New York 


FATHERIY LOVE 

I'm responding to a letter from 
Robert Banks (The Playboy Forum, 
May) in which he states that a 
woman he dated for three weeks 
became pregnant. Not wanting 
the child, Banks feels no obliga- 
tion to support it financially. 1 
cannot comprehend how any par- 
ent can be that callous toward his 
child. Such a person must have no 
capacity for love. 
iam D. Cobourn 
Concord, New Hampshire 


COST OF DRUGS 
Your “Commentary he So- 
cial Cost of Drugs” (The Playboy 
Forum, April) hits home on a 
number of iss How can I 
donate money to NORML. 
(National Organization for the 
Reform of Marijuana Laws)? 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 
Send all donations to NORML, 
Suite 640, 2001 $ Street, N.W., 
Washington, D.C. 20009. 


NO OFFENSE 
ida state legislators arc 
doing their best to protect the resi- 
dents of their state from secing 
anything offensive. Their latest 
target is bumper stickers. Otfen- 
с bumper stickers, according to 
the bill's sponsor, Democratic 


If the state’s going to get nd of offensive 
bumper stickers, Let's start with 1 VOTED 
FOR REAGAN IN з. Now, that’s offensiv 

Donald Vaughan 
Greenacres, Florida 


Re- 


1 would like to amplify your “Commentary” 
“Does Repression Cause Violence?” (The 
Playboy Forum, May), in which my research 
was cited. Since my theories were published, 
cultural anthropologists have conducted fur- 
ther research indicating an even stronger Corre- 
lation between the amount of affection in a 
culture and whether that culture is peaceful or 
violent. When all the variables—including 
physical affection given to infants, views ofado- 
lescent sexuality and attitudes toward premari- 
tal sex—are examined, we can accurately 
determine 100 percent of the time whether or 
not a culture is peaceful or violent. 

The new research also indicates that depri- 
vation of physical affection in infancy can be 
compensated for later by encouraging physical 
affection in the adolescent’s sexual relation- 
ships. Conversely, the advantages of carly- 
infant physical affection can be reversed by 
repressing adolescent sexual expression. 

Neuropsychologists find that depriving an 
infant, child or adolescent of physical affection 
during the formative periods of brain develop- 
ment results in damage to the neural circuitry 
that controls and regulates depressive and vio- 
lent behavior. This leads to an impaired ability 
to form intimate relationships and can cause 
dependency upon alcohol and drugs in an 
attempt to cope with the lack of affection. 

When sexual repression is added to depriva- 
tion of affection, wc can expect to scc an even 
greater increase in depression, chemical depend- 
ency and violence. Because the human necd for 
sexual affection cannot be met within a caring 
and nurturing relationship, it will be met 
within the context of sexual violence. Thus, 
there will be a higher incidence of rape, sexual. 
exploitation and violence. 

1 think you'll agree that these studies provide 
a powerful rebuttal to the religious right's con- 
tention that sexual freedom increases sexual 
crimes—for, in fact, it does just the opposite. 

James W. Prescott, Ph.D. 


West Bethesda, Maryland 


RADIO „Фе AMERICA 
WHOSE 
IVIN 
00 


IST 
ANYWAY? 


What we are doing here today is to 
correct an altogether too narrow inter- 
pretation of decency. 

FCC CHAIRMAN DENNIS PATRICK. 


On April 16, 1987, the Federal Com- 
munications Commission changed the 
rules of the game. Henceforth, when disc 
jockeys mention sex, even through innu- 
endo, double-entendre or playful lan 
guage, they risk censure by the FCC. 
They may no longer talk about sex with 
impunity, even if they avoid the famous 
seven dirty words banned in a 1976 FCC 
ruling (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, 
motherfucker and tits). Now the 1987 
FCC has created a new yardstick, generic 
indecency. In the future, the FCC will 
се a definition of indecency as being 
language or material that depicts or 
describes, in terms patently offensive as 
measured by contemporary community 

standards for the broad- 
cast medium, sexual 
ог excretory activi- 
tics or organs 
Heraldi 
this new 
the 
sued 
ings to a 
New York 
talk-show 
host, Howard 
Stern, for 
indulging in 
shock radio" 


18 
cra, 
FCC 


warn- 


44 


during a time when children might be 
tening, and to a radio station at the 
University of California at Santa 
Barbara for playing a ten-year-old song 
called Makin' Bacon. It also handed over 
to the Justice Department for further 
action transcripts of a discussion of gay 
sex and excerpts from a play called 
Jerker, broadcast by a Los Angeles sta- 
tion, КРЕК. 

One would think that this broad defi- 
nition, with its far-reaching conse- 
quences, could come about only with the 
wide support of the public. Wrong. Polls 
show that the majority of Americans are 
against the curtailment of First Amend- 
ment rights. 

What, then, spurred the Government 
to broaden its interpretation of inde- 
cency? The answer: a very few com- 
plaints. Unfortunately, those complaints 
happened to coincide with the mor: 
stance of the commissioners. 

In July 1986, Nathan W. Post wrote a 
letter to Tipper Gore, champion of Par- 


ents’ Music Resource Center. Gore 
passed the letter along to the FCC. 
Last Saturday evening, 1 sat lis- 


tening to the radio KCSB, 91.9. 
The announcer was Eric Stone, Eric 
plays heavy metal, punk and what 
ГИ term raunch. He doc show 
from 9:30 to midnight titled Strictly 
Disco. Eric Stone . . . will gener- 
ally throw in at least two extremely 
vulgar, sexually explicit songs per 
show. The others vary in shade and 
degree. Many are liberally spi 
kled with the word fuck or one of a 
number of variations. . . . If the use 
of a few expletives were all I had to 
contend with, then I wouldn't have 
bothered writing a letter. The prob- 
lem is that a number of these tunes 
go beyond the occasional 
obscer 


ty. 

If these people were list 
these tunes in their . . . homes, it 
wouldn't matter much, either, but 
this is broadcast over the public air- 
waves and available to all ages 

Perhaps you are wondering about 
the kind of lyrics Pm referring to. 
Wall, this past Saturday night, they 
cluded 

"Come here, baby, make it 
quick / Kneel down there and suck 


ning to 


on my dick / Makin’ bacon is on my 
mind/Makin' bacon is on my 
mind / Turn "round, baby; let me 


take you from behind 


Some people are shocked by lyrics 
many of us find amusing. They would no. 


doubt stop us from list 
ics in the privacy of our homes. They 
haven't accomplished that—yet. They 
want the airwaves to be as clean as PTL 
Club's broadcasts. They're working on 
it. Their contemporary community stand- 
ards are those of Salem, Massachusetts, 
circa the witch trials 

In September 1986, the FCC received 
another letter, this one from the Rever- 
end Larry W. Poland. 


ш to such lyr- 


On Sunday суспі ugust 31. 
1986, I was driving home from the 
airport here in the Los Angeles area 
when my automatic-search radio 
picked up station KPFK, 90.7 FM 
The program being aired between 
ten Рм and 11 PM was J Am Are 
You. It was featuring excerpts from 
a play the broadcasters said was 
being performed in the Los Angeles 
area called Jerker. 1 was initially 
stunned when the individuals read- 
ing the script of the play used the 
words luck and fucking freely but 
was totally unprepared for the con- 
tent that followed. The hour was 
filled with dramatic reading of sex- 
al fantasies between homosexual 
men. - . . I have six children. If 
of them had tuned in to КРЕ 
the time that I did, they could have 
lost in one hour the precious inno- 
cence 1 as a father work so h 
protect year in and year out. This 

n't narrowcasting we are talking 
about, this is broadcasting, broad 
enough to be picked up by every 
child with a five-dollar transistor 
radio. 

Frankly, that hurts and angers 
me! It violates the values and sanc- 
uty of my home, my family and my 
faith! 


God's hand, in the form of the 
autoscan, subjected the Reverend. Mr. 
Poland to an hour of gay dialog. He 
could have changed the station or turned 
off the radio; instead, he cru 
highways, taking notes of the br 
Poland also protested announcements 
in simple, everyday language of events 
sponsored by gay groups. It was not the 
language but, it seems, the mere exist- 
ence of such programing that he pre 
tested, Eminently concerned with the 
violation of Ais rights, he has no concern 
for the violation of others’ rights 
he broadcast was devoted to sensu- 
ality in the age of AIDS," said David 
Salnicker, the executive director of the 
Pacifica Foundation, which owns КРЕК 
“It was broadcast at night, following a 


disclaimer that warned that some listen- 
ers might find the material objection- 
able. If we can't do a show about AIDS 
in language everyone understands, 
where are we? The play in question has 
never been charged with obscenity in 
Los Angeles, but we have been re ferred 
to the Justice Department for broad- 
casting obscenity. The language was no 
different from what you hear on late- 
night sex-therapy shows. We now find 
that what was permissible is now 
ally a crime.” 

Two letters sent to the ЕСС were from 
a familiar person. The Reverend Donald 

Wildmon of Tupelo, Mississippi, 
complained. about WYSP's Howard 
Stern Show. minister from Tupelo 
must have incredible reception on his 
living-room radio: When he's not listen- 
ing то God, he can pick up shows from 
halfway across the country. He sent the 
FCC tapes from shows that he had found 
offensive. The seven-dirty-words ruling 
was not enough to pacify Wildmon; his 
hit list included penis, prostate, tampon, 
hookers, cock, nipples, orgasm, kissing 
ass, K-Y jelly and breasts 

Should mentioning breasts, whether 
facetiously or in a graphic discussion of 
cancer, be against the law? 

A New York group called Morality in 
Media suggested to Mary V. Keeley, a 
concerned mother, that she write a letter 
to the FCC complaining about Stern, 
which she did: “Despite the claims of 
this station that they are now appealing 
to a more mature audience, I personally 
know of many young people who tune in 
to this station every day. When 1 wrote 
and complained about the programing 
to the station manager, his response was 
that parents should exci 
over any material that we feel is inappro- 
priate. This is difficult due to the use of 
headphones by the kids, and I would 
not... have know {Thad 
not accidentally tuned in one morning." 

She enclosed a tape of Stern convers- 
ing with his assistant, Susan: 


cise restraint 


srers: Hey, Susan, honey, 
remember the song Does Your Chew 
ing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bed- 
post Overnight? Here's my version. 
You ready? 

susan: No. No, no, no. 

sexx: “Does Berzerkowit 
party on the bedpost every 
When her boyfriend says, ‘Dor 
it,’ does she mount right up in spite? / 
Does she grin and moan with pas- 
sion and yell, “Hi-ho, Silberclite'? / 
Does Berzerkowitz have a party on 
the bedpost every night? 


It’s not exactly the height of Western 
civilization, but neither does it present a 

danger to society. To bedposts, maybe. 
"The letters read as though the authors 
(concluded on page 46) 


THE LEGAL 


CENSORS HIP 


The FCC's decision to expand the 
seven-dirty-words ruling alarms broad- 
casters and listeners alike. Although 
allegedly aimed at “shock radio” shows 
such as the Howard Stern program, 
originating in New York and simulcast 
in Philadelphia, it has far-reaching 
effects on radio programing of all kinds. 
To find out the legal implications of the 
ruling, we talked with the American 
Civil Liberties Union's legislative coun- 
sel, Barry Lynn. 

pLavsoy: Do you think that the 
complainants have a valid point in 
taking programs such as these to task? 

LYNN: Гус listened to Howard Stern 
and I personally find his program 
offensive. But my radio dial is not 
welded to Stern's station. Unfortu- 
natcly, some people don't scem to 
realize that if you do not like what 
you're hearing, there are dozens of 
alternatives. And they don't seem to 
realize that the purpose of the FCC is 
not to be the national arbiter of good 
taste. 

PLAYBOY: Diane Killory, FGC gen- 
eral counsel, maintains that the 
change in policy is warranted bc- 
cause there is no way to restrict chil- 
dren from hearing these broadcasts. 

пуху: There are plenty of programs 
on the radio for my eight-year-old not 
to hear. But in a free society. we can- 
not restrict the adult population of 
the country to hearing only those 
things suitable for my child. The 
policing of what children hear must 
be the responsibility of parents and 
not the responsibility of a national 
nanny in the form of the FCC. 

praveov: But parents can't possibly 
police everything their children hear. 

аххх: No, parents can't have con- 
trol all the time. But children who 
hear a Howard Stern broadcast are 
not likely to have their lives shattered 
because of it. This material does not 
have magical qualities that will sub- 
vert values taught by the family, 
schools, churches or synagogues. Peo- 
ple overemphasize the impact of 
hearing what they consider untasteful 
or indecent remarks. Are these pro- 
grams going to corrupt our children? 
I'm sure they won't. 

PLAYBOY: The FCC claims to receive 
20,000 complaints each year about 
indecent programing. Why, then, has 
it decided this year to revise its 
guidelines? 


LOW-DOWN 


AND THE FCC 


1yxN: The FCC has been perceived 
by the religious right as doing noth- 
ing about sexually salacious material. 
The FCC issued the new ruling 
because it's been under pressure— 
particularly since the Meese- 
commission report—to do something 
procensorship. 1 believe that the 
pressure is almost entirely from the 
religious right. 

PLAYBOY: Americans are very much 
anticensorship. How docs the FCC 
justify being procensorship? 

ухх: The FCC is now packed with 
censorship-minded people, people 
who like to scrutinize the American 
airwaves for any allegedly dirty, sex- 
ual material. They use the complaints 
of a few people as an excuse for acting 
in a censorial way against radio and 
television broadcasters—which has, 
1 think, been their inclination for 
some time. Under the law, the FCC’s 
obligation is to determine community 
standards— which it did not do in the 
Stern case. In fact, the FCC file about 
the Stern show contains only 35 com- 
plaints prior to this inquiry. And 
that’s from a population in Philadel- 
phia of 1,700,000 people. These fig- 
ures make it very difficult to argue 
that the Stern program violates con- 
temporary community standards. 

PLAYBOY: Is the FCC going to start 
issuing fines and pulling licenses, or 
has it published the new standards 
merely to bring stations into line? 
The main purpose of this 
action was to intimidate broadcast- 
ers, who are not always the most cou- 
rageous people in town. | don't 
believe that there will be more than a 
handful of efforts by the FCC, if that 
many, to utilize this new standard. 
But the damage has already been 
done. With all the hoopla surround- 
ing this decision, broadcasters have 
already cut back and will continue to 
cut back on their willingness to be 
frank about sex, whether it’s in the 
context of rock music, sex therapy, 
disc jockeys, presentations of radi 
plays or political commentary. This is 
intimidation It’s just like the Meese 
commission's sending letters to con- 
venience stores saying, “We're not 
sure what we're going to do, but 
we want to put you people 
on notice: We think that you're 
engaged in some dirty enterprise." 

(concluded on page 46) 


45 


46 


WHOSE LIVING ROOM IS THIS, ANYWAY? 

(continued from page 45) 
had taken the same course in How to 
Complain to the FCC. It’s postgraduate 
work, after you complete How to Com- 
plain to 7-Elcven and How to Coerce Dr 
Pepper. First, stress that you are an aver- 
age citizen who would never listen to 
shock radio except by horrible accident 
And imply that your shock incapacitated 
you, forcing you to listen almost against 
your will to the entire show, while tape- 
recording the highlights. Next, stress that 
you are concerned about the effect of 
fringe language on innocent children. 
Imply that your own children are model 
creatures who have never uttered a four- 
letter word and would not know what one 
meant. Ask for sympathy by stressing that 
technology, in the form of headphones or 
transistor radios, makes your task as a 
parent impossible. You need help. 

The shocking fact of the matter is that 
apparently on the basis of those five let- 
ters, the FCC decided to expand its defini- 
tion of obscenity. 

At the heart of those complaints is the 
question “Whose living room is this, any- 
way?” Wildmon seems to argue that 
improper broadcasting is an invasion of 
his privacy, that even a chance hearing of 
the word breast would destroy a family 
member. Well, who's to say? Maybe he 
knows his family better than we do. How 
fragile their values are if mere contact 
with a conflicting idea will corrode them. 
In 1978, the Supreme Court bought the 
notion that broadcasters had to behave as 
if their material were being heard in the 
drawing room of someone as pristine, 
puritanical and casily offended as the 
Reverend Mr. Wildmon. In the seven- 
dirty-words ruling, the Court argued that 
broadcasting should follow the tastes of 


It is the 200th anniversary of the 
United States Constitution and, given 
the conservative temperature of the 
country, I feel that it’s appropriate that 
we consider adding a parallel version of 
the Bill of Rights—the Sexual Bill of 
Rights: 

We, the people of the human race, in 
order to form more perfect unions, 
establish justice and ensure the pursuit 
of happiness, hold these truths to be 
self-evident: 

1. There shall be no law infringing 
on any private sexual act between con- 
senting adults. 

II. There shall be no law restricting 
sexual preference for private relations 


A SEXE 


the weakest links in society. Justice Wil 
liam Brennan, one of the dissenting Jus- 
tices, pointed out the flaw in this position: 


Without question, the privacy 
interests of an individual in his home 
are substantial and deserving of sig- 
nificant protection. In finding these 
interests sufficient to justify the con- 
tent regulation of protected speech, 
however, the Court commits two 
errors. First, it misconceives the 
nature of the privacy interests 
involved where an individual volun- 
tarily chooses to admit radio commu- 
nications into his home. Second, it 
ignores the constitutionally protected 
interests of both those who wish to 
transmit and those who desire to 
receive broadcasts that many— 
including the FCC and this Court— 
might find offensive... . . 


We don't want to live in the Reverend 
Mr. Wildmon's living room. And we don’t 
particularly want to live in a country 
where the politics of complaint dictate 


what we can listen to or sec or read. Amer- 
ica is diverse and, theoretically, tolerant of 
that diversity. People who enjoy candid 
conversation about sex or songs about a 
lusty love style have just been sent by the 
FCC to their room without supper. 

We agree with Dennis Patrick's attempt 
to correct the interpretation of decency, 
but we consider it indecent that any fac- 
tion of society can dictate to any other 
faction what it may or may not listen to on 
the public airwaves. Let the market place 
determine what is acceptable, not five 
commissioners in Washington or one min- 
ister in Tupelo. Generic freedom is not 
what the founding fathers had in mind. 


between adults. 

III. There shall be no law restricting 
housing or employment, or any public 
or private benefit, because of sexual 
preference or marital status. 

IV. There shall be no law restricting 
the possession of visual imagery of 
nudity or sexuality (except insofar as 
children are depicted). Display or sale 
of sexual depictions may be restricted 
only as appropriate to the age of poten- 
tial purchasers. 

V. There shall be no law restricting 
information about, or access to, birth 
control. 

VI. There shall be no law restricting. 
information about abortion, nor any 


THE LEGAL LOW-DOWN 
(continued from page 45) 

Sometimes, intimidation works better 
than lawsuits, particularly the 
intimidation comes from a powerful orga- 
nization such as the FCC. 

PLAYBOY: How does this new ruling differ 
from the old seven-dirty-words ruling? 

ухх: The seven-dirty-words ruling was 
a terrible decision in its own right; but 
bad as that decision was, there was noth- 
ing to indicate in it that anything other 
than a direct use of those particular seven 
words would constitute actionable inde- 
cency. So the FCC has expanded that rul- 
ing to cover innuendo, suggestivi 
double-entendre—things that are certainly 
well within constitutional protection. 

PLAYBOY: Under the seven-dirty-words 
ruling, a station could broadcast “adult” 
programs after ten ьм апа before seven 
AM, times when children probably were 
not listening. Is this still truc? 

ухх: Under the peculiar reasoning of 
the new ruling, it seems that no time is 
absolutely safe except, possibly, really 
graveyard hours, literally in the middle of 
the night, for there is no time when chil- 
dren might not conceivably be listening: 
there are always children with insomnia! 

PLAYBOY: Is there any way to combat the 
religious right's crusade for censorship? 

ухх: There are ways to combat it. Peo- 
ple can support broadcasters’ right to air 
controversial material in two ways: first, 
by writing letters to individual stations 
urging them to kcep doing what they have 
been doing, even if that includes frank sex- 
ual discussions, and second, by writing to 
the FCC expressing displeasure with the 
new ruling. It doesn't hurt to build an 
FCC file of leuers from people who don't 
approve of the decision. That helps but- 
tress the argument that it has totally mis- 
represented community standards. 


when 


restriction on access to abortion. 

VIL. There shall be no law crim- 
inalizing consenting sexual behavior 
before or outside of marriage. 

VIII. There shall be a uniform age 
of consent (16); and public sex educa- 
tion shall be freely available, as appro- 
priate to the age of each person. 

IX. There shall be no law restricting. 
the sale or possession of sexual accesso- 
ries by adults. 

X. Any enforcement of sexual limits 
not specified in this Bill of Rights shall 
not be assumed by Federal, religious or 
self-appointed authorities. 

J. Gordon 
Atlanta, Georgia 


N E W S Е R О N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


DEAD DRUGS 

SOUTH HOLLAND, ILuNOIS—ÜUnder- 
whelmed by the DRUGS ARE DEATH banner 
and general death motif of a three-year- 
old antidrug display, a burglar broke into 
a civic meeting hall and made off with 
150 samples of illegal drugs and drug 
paraphernalia that had been arranged 


inside a locked coffin. One civic official 
commented, "I guess this really shows the 
need for a drug-prevention program. 
This was done for the drugs. Nothing else 
was taken. The drugs were the only thing 
on this person's mind.” Bul the township's 
youth director suspected that the thief was 
really “a 14-year-old boy who now has a 
shopping bag of stuff to impress his 
friends.” In any case, the undereducated 
thief evidently didn't know that a lot of the 
drugs were phonies and that others may 
have changed chemical composition with 
age. 


GAY COMMUNISTS 

moscow—In а display of candor new 
to the Russian press, a Communist Party 
youth newspaper reports that homosexual- 
ity appears to be on the rise in the Soviet 
Union. The report remains consistent 
with Soviet policy, however, by maintam- 
ing that homosexuality should continue to 
be treated as a crime to prevent the spread 
of AIDS: "If there is freedom for homo- 
sexuality, that means [AIDS] would auto- 
matically spread. It would be the same as 
advertising i." The article, which quotes 
a specialist who blames homosexuality 
on a breakdown of the traditional family 
structure due to an increasing divorce 
rate, endorses the state's position that 


homosexuality can be cured through edu- 
cation and proper upbringing. It added 
that “the comparison will not please some 
people, but this can be treated by the same 
methods as alcoholism is treated.” 


CABLE CABAL 

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme 
Court upheld two lower-court decisions 
and struck down, without comment, 
Utah’s Cable Television Programming 
Decency Act. The 1983 law had loosely 
interpreted the term “indecent program- 
ing” and suspended such broadcasts 
during the hours when children and 
“unconsenting adults” normally watch 
TV, a period that the state's attorney gen- 
eral had declared to be from seven am to 
midnight. Both the trial court and the 
appeals court had found that the law was 
loo vague and focused solely on nudity 
and genital display without considering a 
work's artistic merit, 


PICKING ON PORN 

_aris—France’s conservative govern- 
ment has decided to prepare for next year's 
elections by attacking pornography and 
has effectively banned a number of sexu- 
ally oriented magazines, including the 
French edition of Penthouse and a 
French magazine called Gay Foot, aimed 
at male homosexuals. Sale of the maga- 
zines is nol actually prohibited, but 
because publishers now cannot use their 
accustomed magazine-distribution system, 
it will be prohibitively expensive for them 
to deliver their magazines to bookstores. 


THE JOY OF CENSORSHIP 

pumtin—Following a resurgence of 
right-wingism, Ireland's Censorship of 
Publications Board has come out of hiber- 
nation to ban the international best seller. 
“The Joy of Sex." Within 90 minutes of 
the announcement, the Family Planning 
Association's stock of 25 copies was sold 
out. The chairman of Eason and Son, the 
country's largest bookseller, said he hoped 
the condemnation pouring in from medi- 
cal, business and literary circles would 
eventually help end such censorship. "I 
think it's a bit of Irish weirdness that we 
will get over. What the censorship board. 
obviously doesn't know is the difference 
between a manual and a piece of 
pornography.” 


DIRTY-TRICKS DEPARTMENT 
cHicAGO— Postal authorities are inves- 
tigating the case of a bogus “personals” 
ad in a local weekly paper in which a sup- 


posedly gay University of Chicago student 
sought to meet other homosexuals. Several 
persons responded, only to find that who- 
ever had placed the ad was sending copies 
of their letters to their landlords, neigh- 
bors and employers. The accompanying 
warning that the person in question “may 
be a carrier of AIDS” and should be 
avoided at ail costs was on the letterhead 
of an organization called the Great White 
Brotherhood of the Iron Fist. 


FEELING THEIR OATS 

SAN FRANCISCO—A Chinese fish story 
has pointed the way to a natural food sup- 
plement with aphrodisiac qualities, at 
least according to the people who would 
like to parlay it into the biggest sex drug 
since the pill. The Institute for Advanced 
Study of Human Sexuality in San Fran- 
cisco is testing whal it calls ExSativa, an 
oat-based product originally developed by 
the Swiss as an antistress tonic, which 
the institute claims increases the sex drive 
and improves sexual performance. One 
researcher stated that “over 200 volun- 
teers took the product for varying periods 
of time. . . . Not every person reported 
beneficial results, bul many reported 
enhancement of desire, performance andl 
or sensation, and almost everyone felt bet- 
ter." The use of oats as an aphrodisiac 
was reportedly inspired by a Chinese 
farmer who dumped some prematurely 
harvested grain into a pond full of carp 


and then noticed a dramatic increase in 
their breeding behavior. Although 
ExSativa is currently available as a food 
supplement, it is nol yet being marketed as 
ап aphrodisiac. 


4 


48 


AIDS 


A fatal disease that's transmitted by 
sexual contact and that as yet has no 
cure is bound to lead to hysterical or 
outrageous action. And despite almost 
daily reporting about AIDS in newspa- 
pers and on television, there are still 
pcople who are misinformed about this 
disease. 

"The following stories illustrate how 
deep the fear of AIDS goes, showing 
that people believe what they want to 
believe, facts notwithstanding, and 
that some will go to any length for 
protection—or revenge: 

«Some 20 District of Columbia 
police officers raided a homosexual 
social club wearing gloves, face masks 
and bulletproof vests to “protect them- 
selves from a lethal threat." An official 
of the Fraternal Order of Police told a 
D.C.-council-committee hearing that 
his men had not been trying to humili- 
ate gays, as leaders of that community 
were charging, but added, "There is 
medical evidence that indicates a real 
possibility that the bite ofan AIDS vic- 
tim, or the resulting exchange of fluids 
that could occur if an officer had to hit 
an AIDS carrier in the mouth, may 
transmit AIDS. Due to fatal conse- 
quences of the infection, I could not 
good conscience fail to alert my constit- 
uents and recommend safeguards." 
Referring to a program to teach all 
District-government employees about 
AIDS, a city councilman commented, 
If this program is effective, and police 
were included, then why are we experi- 
encing these kinds of foolish acts?" 

+A British AIDS victim who died of 
the disease has been entombed in con- 
crete at a cemetery in North Yorkshire 
as a precaution "in case we ever 
opened up the coffin again," explained 
a spokesman for the county's health 
department. 

* A psychotherapist with London's 
National Children's Home says that 
he knows of 18 male prostitutes who are 
aware that they are infected with the 
AIDS virus but who are continuing to 
engage in “revenge scx” with custom- 
ers. “They are like time bombs waiting 
10 go off. They hate their [custom- 
ers]... and they hate the world for 
what they feel it has done to them. 
They arc so consumed by hate that 
they want to infect as many mcn as 
they can as a way of getting back.” 

+ U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett 
Koop, an evangelical Presbyterian 


with conservative moral values, says 
that he has been besieged by hate mail 


from fundamentalist Christians for 

ioning sex education in schools 
condoms as a precau- 
tion against AIDS. Koop says that he 
has been accused of "sponsoring 
homoscxually oriented curricula . . . in 
the third grade and providing condoms 
to eight-year-olds.” According to 
Koop, “Nothing I ever said . . . would 
indicate I would ever discuss sodomy 
[with a child], let alone teach it. 
[And] I know a lot more about the size 
of an eight-year-old’s penis than they 
do—and let me tell you, condoms 
don't fit." Questions he has been asked 
by fundamentalists indicate that some 
of them still believe that AIDS can be 
spread through casual contact. 

*A psychiatrist at San Francisco 
General Hospital reports that as many 
as ten men hospitalized for depres- 
sion and self-destructive behavior have 
attempted suicide by trying to contract 
AIDS, cither through multiple sex acts 
with members of high-risk groups or by 
sharing hypodermic needles. 

*The Japanese government is 
threatening to impose compulsory 
AIDS testing on homosexuals, prosti- 
tutcs and members of other high-risk 
groups if they do not cooperate with 
medical authorities by accepting coun- 
scling and guidance from health serv- 
ices. Other measures the government 
may take include setting up computer 


centers to process 
data on the sexual 
contacts of AIDS vic- 
tims and obtaining 
information on the 
employment and sex- 
ual behavior of for- 
cigners suspected of 
having AIDS who are 
attempting to enter 
the country. Japanese 
legislators are also 
considering enacting 
laws to deny visas to 
known carriers of 
AIDS. 

* The director of a 
Chicago AIDS clinic 
and information hot- 
line reports a phone 
call from a wor- 
ried motorist who 
had run over a pedes- 
trian he believed to be 
gay. The motorist 
wanted to know how 
to decontaminate his 
car, which had the 
man's blood on it. 

+ As initially reported by newspa- 
pers, Indiana police were seeking mur- 
der and attempted murder charges 
against a man who had bitten his 
intended robbery victim in a struggle 
over the robber's gun. The fight was 
witnessed by the victim's wife, who 
then died of heart failure after learning 
from police that the attacker was a 
hemophiliac who had contracted AIDS. 
through a blood transfusion. Several 
months later, the truth came out: The 
"robber" was really the wife's lover, 
the fight was between the husband and 
lover over the relationship and the 
woman had committed suicide after 
learning that the man with whom she 
had been sleeping had AIDS. 

* A new District of Columbia law 
bars insurance companies from testing 
for AIDS, bars insurers from denying 
coverage based on positive test results 
and prohibits them from raising premi- 
ums until the reliability of AIDS tests 
is proved. This action has prompted 82 
percent of the district’s major insur- 
ance companies to stop writing new 
individual-life policies rather than 
comply with the law. “The issue is 
whether insurance companies should 
be able to evaluate risk," said one 
insurance executive. “You're not going. 
to go and put insurance on a burning 
building." E 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: 


IMELDA AND FERDINAND MARCOS 


a candid. conversation with the former president and first lady of the 
philippines about tyranny, revolution, betrayal, love—and those shoes 


On a good day, Ferdinand Marcos rises 
with the sun, does a few stretching exercises 
and gazes out at his domain: a couple of 
acres of grass and flowers in the hills of Hon 
olulu, with a decent view of Diamond Head. 

His wife, Imelda, wakes up a few hours 
later and prepares for her day: tending 
the rows of dark-red bougainvillaea she's 
planted, pottermg about in her garden—an 
assemblage of clay pots with plants from the 
homeland enclosed by а mesh of chicken wire. 
She then plans the day's main events—lunch 
and dinner. The rosary beads she fingers keep 
her constant company. 

Theirs is a classic study in bathos—how 
the mighty have fallen. For 20 years, they 
ruled supreme as the president and first 
lady of the Philippines. Elected president in 
1965, Marcos declared martial law in 1972 
in the face of what he called “lawless ele- 
ments" and the Communist-led insurgency 
and effectively turned his country into his 
оит personal fiefdom. For 14 years, he con- 
solidated his rule, resisting calls for fair elec- 
tions, confident in his support by successive 
U.S. Governments, which were always eager 
to have a firm ally securing the two giant 
U.S. military bases in the Philippines. As 


| 


“1 believe you have to make an accounting to 
Sod after death, For instance, He'd probably 
ask, ‘Weren't you a participant in killing 
Benigno Aquino?" Fd tell Him, You ku 
better than that, Lord, because I was sick, 


martial law stretched into the Eighties, there 
were increased reports of systematic looting of 
the public purse and more and more disre- 
gard for human rights. 

Meanwhile, Marcos had named Imelda 
first governor of Metro Manila; she assumed. 
vast control over the citys life. Always 
obsessed by “beauty,” she determined to leave 
her mark by gutting slums and erecting a 
huge cultural center in. Manila, where she 
could entertam such famous friends as 
George Hamilton, Cristina Ford and Ronald 
Reagan. She also made the most of her posi 
tion by jet-setling around the globe and meet- 
ing world leaders (Qaddafi, Castro, Mao, 
Kosygin, the shah, the Pope, to name a few), 
sometimes negotiating in her husband’s stead. 
Her lavish taste for the finer things in life, 
the huge—some said obscene—amounis of 
money she spent on furs, jewelry and shoes, 
and her reputation for dealing harshly with 
perceived enemies earned her the title in the 
world press of Steel Butterfly. 

“An enchanted fairy tale" is the way 
Imelda Marcos likes to describe her political 
and marital union with her husband. The 
fairy tale began to sour quickly in. 1983, 


“After a leader has fallen, he's suddenly ugly, 
a crook. Somoza! The shah! Everybods 
Human rights! What about. human. right? 
We chose to be with America, and that's why 
we're now being crucified!” 


when the Marcoses’ major opposition leader, 
Benigno Aquino, returned from exile in the 
United States and was assassinated moments 
after his commercial flight landed in Manila 
Although Philippine army troops had been on 
hand to meet him, under the command of Fer- 
dinand Marcos’ military chief of staff, Gen 
eral Fabian Ver, Marces maintained that a 
Communist gunman had somehow made his 
way through the ranks and shot Aquino, 
Intemational opinion said otherwise; Mar- 
cos was pressured into ordering a special 
couri to investigate the matter. The mid- 
dle class of the country took to the streets in 
an unprecedented display of opposition, which 
was covered by international television. 
When Ver was officially acquitted and 
reinstated to his army post. the political pres- 
sure from the United S/7tes—the. Reagan 
Administration having been a particularly 
staunch supporter of the Marcos regime— 
and the daily demonstrations in Manila led 
Marcos to call for a quick election. His oppo- 
nent was Aquino's widow, Corazon, and her 
campaign pledge to rid the country of cor- 
ruption led to a mass movement. An interna- 
tional team of observers, including a 
delegation from the United States Congress, 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID HUME KENNERLY 


“They claim Em worth—how much? Thirty 
billion? 1 say, "Show me the paper and we 
can split it and say goodbye like friends.’ But 
they have to find it first! And not in pesos— 
in American dollars! 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


was dispatched to watch the polling places in 
the February 1986 election. The reports of 
vote fraud were unambiguous: Marcos was 
the reported winner, but the election was 
rigged. 

The pressure at home and from the 
U.S. continued unabated. Demonstrations 
increased. President Reagan dispatched his 
friend and advisor Senator Paul Laxalt to 
tell Marcos of U.S. concerns. Still, Marcos 
resisted. But within two weeks of the election, 
a key player, defense minister Juan Ponce 
Enrile, switched sides. He joined with 
Corazon Aquino to engineer a bloodless revo- 
lution. Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos, along 
with an assortment of family members and 
staff, were forced to flee the Malacanang Pal- 
ace in the middle of the night, leaving ha 
eaten dinners on the table. After a stopover in 
Guam, they ended up in Honolulu, There 
they have been “marooned Imelda Mar- 
cos’ word—ever since. 

Aside from gardening and stargazing, the 
Marcoses spend a lot of time trying to avoid. 
appearances before two American grand ju- 
ries convened to investigate their finances— 
and those of the Philippines, since they were 
intertwined for more than 20 years. The 
Marcoses” reported wealth—his salary as 
president was less than $6000 a year—is in 
the billions and is supposed to include real 
estate in Manhatian, entire corporations, 
countless foreign bank accounts. 

Although they insist, as did General 
MacArthur, that they will return to the Phil- 
ippines, many observers feel that their “ 
tirement” in Hawaii is appropriate. Both 
Marcoses grew up while the Philippines was 
an American protectorate; and when they 
reminisce about the past and talk about the 
present, the tone of the conversation is almost 
that the Philippines, after all, is the 51st 
state—more American than America. Both 
have the ultimate colonial mentality. 

Still, their desire to return, however far- 
fetched, seems sincere. Their eyes fill up when 
they talk of it, in impassioned speeches, in 
poetry, in bursts of song. Reclaiming their 
power in the Philippines is something they 
consider their divine destiny. PLAYBOY sent 
West Coast-based free-lance writer Ken 
Kelley and San Francisco Examiner. re- 
porter Phil Bronstein to Honolulu for a week 
to conduct the “Playboy Interview” with the 
deposed couple. Here is Kelley's account: 

“I asked Bronstein to be my co-interviewey 
because he's been covering the chaotic Philip- 
pine scene for the past five years and knows 
Filipino politics on both sides of the Marcos 
fence. Most important, } knew that Ferdi- 
nand and Imelda Marcos trusted him to 
give a fair depiction of their predicament, 
even though some of his reports about them in 
the Examiner were quile scathing. He was 
the first reporter in the palace the night the 
Marcoses fled. 

“I also knew that viawwoy had tried to 
interview Marcos while they were still in 
power, only to have the deal fall through at 
the last minute. And, indeed, this one almost 


did, too: After the session had begun, Ferdi- 
naud began waffling about whether or not he 
wanted to go through with it. He was per- 
suaded by Bronstein to carry on, perhaps 
aided by the reporter's spirited piano playing 
to accompany Imelda's versions of ‘Sentimen- 
tal Journey’ and “Don't Fence Me In." 

“Some of the old forms were followed. We 
drove up to chez Marcos and waited a good 
half hour before being admitted —leefy secu- 
rity guards shuffled about, but here the hired 
help were watching Wheel of Fortune’ on a 
TV set in the vacant garage. 

“Duly admitted, we waited an hour or so 
before Ferdinand Marcos emerged, impecca- 
bly attired in his pinstripe-wool suit. The 
temperature was around 90 degrees, and he 
didn't even sweat a drop. He did appear to 
have a lot of trouble walking. He tectered 
and toltered about, one step at a time. 

“I figured we would be lucky to get an 
hour out of him. Wrong. We interviewed him 
for several hours in his living room; and as 
we talked, he became rejuvenated and would 
vigorously gesticulate when trying to empha- 
size a point—il was a remarkable transjor- 
mation, So much so, in fact, that Imelda 
Marcos, who had arranged the daily lunch 
spread, one o'clock on the dol, was waving 


“There was fraud 
on both sides. 
But mine was 
not massive.” 


her hands in obvious displeasure—Get in 
here now" motions 

“Eventually, we did. 

“We ended up spending seven hours 
around that immense table, a piece of wood 
that seemed ten yards long. Ferdinand —Mr. 
President,’ as he prefers to be called —sat at 
the south end of the table with Bronstein and 
his mike, while I sat at the other end zone 
with "Ma'am, Imelda's official appellation, 
my lape recorder running. 

“Ht was a fascinating interplay. Bronstein 
was at one end, I was at the other; and 
although we'd have а lot of uninterrupted 
one-on-one discussion, Imelda has а finely 
tuned ear. And a strong voice. Occasionally, 
while talking with me, she'd interrupt the 
Bronstein-Ferdinand conversation to inler- 
ject her own opinions, to which her husband 
would sometimes reply with exasperation. 

“Talking with Imelda Marcos is like talk- 
mg with the Filipina version of Maria von 
Trapp—she sings her point of view so often, 
songs from Broadway classics to nursery 
rhymes she'd learned as a child. She does it to 
make her point in a light way. Her husband, 
on the other hand, likes to lighten things up 
by telling lawyer jokes; having been one for 
so long, he knows them all, and so does every- 


body he's telling them to, and the staff cracks 
up because he's telling a joke—he's Marcos, 
after all. But when you boil it down to sheer 
entertainment value, Imelda wins hands 
down. She plays her living room with gusto. 

“During our luncheon session, the conver- 
sations were repeatedly interrupted by calls 
from the Philippines. Some were taken in the 
dining room, some just outside; but. Ferdi- 
nand's and Imelda's responses could be still 
heard. His voice was much more low-key; hers, 
much more animated. ‘Now you make sure 
that you get your act together, combine all the 
liberation forces, make sure that the Moslems 
and the Christians get together and we'll free 
the country and become one nation again, 
she shouted at one point. It was not just for 
the benefit of the reporters’ ears. Ferdinand 
and Imelda Marcos desperately want to 
return. And that was the topic with which we 
began our conversations.” 


PLAYBOY: Mr. President, if you were some- 
how to return to power in the Philippines, 
what would be the first thing you would do? 
FERDINAND: Immediately stop the corrup- 
tion taking place under Madame Aquino. 
PLAYBOY: The same corruption that many 
feel drove you from office in the first place? 
FERDINAND: That is the popular percep- 
tion, encouraged by the media. What is 
never mentioned is that Madame 
Aquino's family has been onc of the larg- 
est landholders in the Philippines for 
centuries. 
PLAYBOY: How would you stop this alleged 
corruption? 
FERDINAND: Arrest everybody engaged in 
Madame Aquino doesn't have the 
тус to do that. 


р 
PLAYBOY: So if vou went back into power, 
vou would arrest Mrs. Aquino on corrup- 
tion charges? 

FERDINAND: No, I would just prevent her 
people from participating in all the enter- 
prises they are engaged in. Like Peping 
Cojuangco [Aquino's brother]. He should 
just be anesthetized. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Speaking of corruption, your old 
friend former defense minister Johnny 
Ponce Enrile, who helped stage the revolt 
against you, said he committed fraud for 
you during the last pre ial election, 


the one you claim you rightfully won. 
FERDINAND: Come on! Come on! He 
doesn't have the guts to commit fraud. 


He is a guy who always orders somebody 
else to do the dirty work, 

PLAYBOY: Don't you concede it was poss 
ble that there was fraud during th 
elections? 
FERDINAND: Yes 


“There was fraud on both 


sides. But mine was not massive. In the 
1 my opposition was using 
greenbacks to buy votes. We have the 


sworn statements of some of these people 
PLAYBOY: Did you giv 
the team of U.S. 
your side with voter fraud? 

FERDINAND: The tcam treally both 
One gentleman—I won't name him— 
visited one clection precinct, then went to 


s to 


the bar and made up stories about us. 
PLAYBOY: Thinking back about your down- 
fall, do you now think you relied on people 
who betraved vou? How did you know 
whom to trust? 

FERDINAND: It came down to a choice 
between bad and worse. 

PLAYBOY: Mcaning? 

FERDINAND: Me: 


g General [Fidel] 
Ramos or General Ver. How can you 
choose? One guy, Ramos, is a weakling, 
and his people are traitors. The other, 
Ver, would give his life for you—but he's 
too rough. He kicks people—things like 
that. Like Patton. 

IMELDA: [Speaking at the other end of the 


table] Y used to tell him, “The palace is a 
snake farm." 
FERDINAND: Still, 1 think the first lady and 


I acquired an instinct in determining who 
can be trusted. We flatter ourselves in 
believing we have been largely right. 
IMELDA: Our instincts? Well, remember, 
he’s a very linear thinker—very precise, 
logical, one, two, three. But I think 
very . - . woman, very holistic. So some- 
times he thinks I’m dumb and spaced out. 
PLAYBOY: What's an example? 

IMELDA: I'll tell him this or that guy is no 
good. He'll say, “Wanna bet? His creden- 
tials are this, that, fantastic; he comes 
from Нагу; or wherever." ГЇЇ say, 
“Funny, but he just doesn't look right. 
PLAYBOY: And you always mistrusted 
Enrile? 

IMELDA: Yes, and I’m sorry 1 was proved 
right 

PLAYBOY: Mr. President, Mrs. Marcos says 
you are rational and logical, yet others say 
you are superstitious. Don't you believe in 
special numbers and carry a talisman? 
FERDINAND: I am not superstitious. But I 
do believe in clairvoyance. I believe in 
extrasensory perception. I believe in tele- 
pathic messages. I get the idea to watch 
out lor a particular fellow—he may have a 
ol in his pocket, ready to shoot me. 
Does your clairvoyance tell you 
ng about a possible return? 
FERDINAND: Yes. I have that feeling. God, 
or the Big Guy up there, my guardian 
ngel, tells me. I keep asking, “Give me a 
nif T can return." 
PLAYBOY: Any signs so far? 
FERDINAND: So far, the si 
“Don't move yet.” 
PLAYBOY: What about the move vou made 
in January, when there was a private jet 
waiting for you at Honolulu Airport to fly 
you back to rally your supporters just after 
tempted coup? 

FERDINAND: No, no, wait a minute. 1 
clarify this. There was someone 
this fellow who made inquiries to us 
but we never got in touch with 
ybody— except when they were already 
here and sent word they were availa 
[laughs] if we wanted to use them. I s. 
“After all this hullabaloo, how can 1 
accept your offer? I'm not going to be shot 
down in the middle of the Pacific. That's 
not the graveyard I choose!” 


п has been 


PLAYBOY: You mean because the matter 
had become so public? 
FERDINAND: Yes, all the hubl 
created. But back to your question: Do 1 
believe in the spiritual, in the effectiveness 
of, well, communicating with your God? 
Yes, And I believe you will have to make 
an accounting to Him after death. Say 
you'd killed so-and-so. I would have to 
say, “Yes, Lord, forgive me.” If I did. 
Like, for insti „ He would probably ask 
me, “Weren't you a participant in the con- 
spiracy to kill Benigno Aquino?" And, of 
course, Га tell Him, “You know better 
than that, Lord, because I was sick; I 
wasn't even working at the time it hap- 
pened. I really ripped into the office of 
security.” 

PLAYBOY: Does t| n you still believe 
in the lone-assassin theory —that the gun- 
man, Rolarido Galman, managed to pene- 
trate all the airport security that your 


b that was 


me 


BEFORE THE FALL. The Marcoses preside over 
Malacañong Polace in 1982. Four years later, 
they tock more madest quarters in Hawaii. 


friend and military chief of staff General 
Fabian Ver had set up? 

FERDINAND: I don't "believe." I know. 
PLAYBOY: Yet you announced that theory 
суеп before your own investigators had 
concluded their study. 

FERDINAND: That was because the Ameri- 
can Ambassador and the State Depart- 
ment people were pestering me, along 
with my other critics. 

PLAYBOY: What would you have done with 
Aquino if he had not been murdered? 
FERDINAND: Bring him back to prison! 
Because he already had а death sentence 
over him, there was no need to assassinate 
him. All you had to do is bring him back 
to prison and let the execution take place. 
PLAYBOY: You mean you would have killed 
him anyway? 

FERDINAND: ‘Throughout my 20 year 
office, 1 executed only one prisoner—a 
heroin dealer who took pride in having 
destroyed the lives of so many Filipinos. 
Aquino, though, he was а sly one. He kept 
calling me to sce if he could negotiate his 
way into the government. He even tried to 
do that a couple of months before he came 
back, 

IMELDA: / ran against Aquino [in congres- 
sional elections}. He was no threat to the 
president and me. I beat Aquino by more 


than 1,000,000 votes. 

PLAYBOY: But. Mrs. Marcos, he was in jail 
at the time 

IMELDA: Well, my God! That was the most 
romantic place to be in! I would like to be 
in jail when 'm running for office. No, my 
conscience is clear on Aquino. After [the 
assassination], people suspected me of 
conspiring with General Ver, but I'd be 
surprised if I've spokcn ten sentences to 
the general in the past 20 years. In fact, 
when I called him, he would be terrorized 
PLAYBOY: Mr. President, wasn't Aquino's 
assassination the turning point for vou? If 
he hadn't been killed, wouldn't you still 
be in Malacanang Palace? 

FERDINAND: His assassination just added 
to the resolve of the U.S. embassy to try 
to knock me out. It was [former U.S. 
Ambassador to the Philippines Michael] 
Armacost, 1 think, who masterminded the 
whole thing. But, look, he’s now number 
three in the State Department. Let's not 
pick a quarrel with him. We have enough 
enemies. 

PLAYBOY: The first lady is signaling us that 
it's time to eat. 

FERDINAND: Well, she's the mistress of the 
house. In the Philippines, we say that once 
the lady of the house has spoken, you sa! 
"Amen." 

[There is a break for lunch, during which 
Mr. and. Mrs. Marcos agree to keep taping 
the interview. Mrs. Marcos has laid out a 
buffet lunch.) 

IMELDA: You know, these are all my reci- 
pes. I don’t make the food myself, but 
they're all from my family tradition. Let's 
see—why don’t you sit down next to me. 

[Mrs. Marcos is at one end of the table, the 

president at the other.) 
PLAYBOY: Mrs. Marcos, do you feel a bit of 
cabin fever, overseeing the running of a 
small compound here in Hawaii, instead 
of the glory you once commanded 
IMELDA: No, because 1 feel that this is just 
an intermission in my life. I don't have as 
much to do as I did when I was in my 
country, but I feel very happy. I have my 
garden to tend to. My bougainvillaeas are 
blooming, and I feel hopeful 

One of the things for which I pat myself 
on the back is that I have not missed my 
possessions. It would be wonderful if 1 
could sce them once in a while, but I have 
a good memory. Malacanang Palace will 
always stay with me. 

PLAYBOY: Still, to go from dini 
heads of state to gardening— 
bother you. 

IMELDA: What bothers me more is that the 
press has got it all wrong. My husband, a 
great humanist, is called a tyrant! A great 
dict—uh, I mean a great democrat is 
called a dictator! That bothers me. Fight- 
for the Philippines is like fighting for 
America, because we are one in spiri 
And yet you leave the Philippines, this jew- 
cl of a country, in the hands of a coconut! 

What bothers me even more is that 
being here in America, the most beautiful 
country in the world—oh, why do you let 


g with 
must 


PLAYBOY 


54 


Japan outsmart you, beat you? 
Let me show you something. [Gels up, 
goes out of the dining room and returns] 
Look at this—what's this? 
PLAYBOY: It looks to us like Uncle Sam in a 
clown outfit 
IMELDA: It is! Uncle Sam as a clown, and 
when you wind it up, it has a music box 
underneath that plays God Bless America. 
s what American kids buy now. 
What a disgrace to us Americans. 
PLAYBOY: L's Americans? 
IMELDA: [Laughs] I cant believe 1 said 
that, us. [Knocks on her temples] Can you 
imagine, me being an American? But you 
see what I am saying—in America, this i 
what is being offered to American kids for 
playthings. Look at this one, too. 
PLAYBOY: It’s a sort of Joe with a wal- 
rus head and long tusks holding a 
bazooka. 
IMELDA: Thats what it is. [Delaches 
bazooka and fingers it] These walrus 
fangs—that’s what they painted on our 
pictures in the Philippines after Cory 
Aquino took over, all over the place, fangs 
everywhere on the posters of me 
president. (Turns over toys] Let's 
where these things were made 
Japan. The country saved by America 
after it tried to destroy America—they 
turn around and do this thing to America, 
and America just gobbles it all up. It 
so terrible. Children, American children, 
are buying Japanese toys that ridicule 
America. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you have these items, 
then, if you're so disgusted by them? 
IMELDA: My grandchildren. wanted some 
and someone bought them. If | 
© à policeman, I'd shoot them down, 
these symbols of America, My friends in 
the Philippines tell me that they're now 
ing Cory Aquino dolls that look like 
those horrible rag dolls—what do you call 
them? 
PLAYBOY: Cabbage Patch Kids? 
IMELDA: Yes, those. And they're ugly, All 
the time I was in the Philippines, they 
never made a doll of me. I guess it's not 
my fault, because I’m not ugly. 
PLAYBOY: Whereas Mrs. Aquino is? 
IMELDA: No comment. [Laughs] | just 
believe in beauty. Take mov, for 
instance. PLAYBOY lly shows beautiful 
women in a way they can be admired. 
Some people call it pornographic, but 1 
don't think so. I think rraypoy shows the 
beauty of the female body. Goya did 
the same thing a century ago. Americans 
have admired beauty, and 1 
admire Americans because of that. But— 
look at these toys! This is not beauty! 
PLAYBOY: We recall that you had some- 
thing of a problem with naked pictures of 
yourself way back when: 
IMELDA: Yes, I got into trouble during the 
1965 election. Somebody mounted my 
ce on naked pictures. 1 was so furious— 
they were very naked, very ugly bodies. 
If they had used Marilyn Monroe's body, 


alway 


then I would have had no problem. I 
might even have ordered some. [Laughs] 
But. again, I just don't understand why, 
when you have the most beautiful country 
in the world, you let other countries out- 
smart yo 
PLAYBOY: What would be a better system? 
IMELDA: There should be only one leader. 
‘Too many cooks spoil the broth! You have 
the Congress, a very strong Congress; you 
have the Justice Department — 
PLAYBOY: You mean the Judiciary 
IMELDA: Yes, that. And then you have the 
President, and then you have a fourth— 
the media! Who think of nothing but 
perception: 
PLAYBOY: Mr. Mar 
like ours. You ha 
the Batasang 
con 
IMELDA: Yes, and that is why Marcos 


began with a system 
d in the Philippines 
Pambansa, your 


own 


WORKING OUT. Marcos showed his fitness 
to rule in an exercise video tope shot in 
Hawaii and then released in the Philippines. 


nged it. Originally, it was like yours, 
it did not work, because we were all 
out—7150 islands. So Marcos 
changed it to a parliamentary system 
xcuse me, you're wrong. The 
reason was that in the old days, the con- 
gress system ended up with some con- 
gressmen blackmailing the preside 
when the president tried to—well, s; 
atize the expenditure of public funds. 
Why? Because a lot of the congressmen 
were collecting bribes. 
IMELDA: I didn't know thi 
FERDINAND: If wc hadn't stepped in, the 
entire system would have collapsed. 
IMELDA: And as the days went by, it would 
hay 
FERDINAND: Please hold on! Instead of the 
simple martial law we declared, the alter- 
iv ld have been the commander in 
chiefs taking over the entire government, 
PLAYBOY: Of course, your critics charge 
that that's exactly what you did 
FERDINAND: You must understand that | 
was also protecting my life and the life c 
my family. After the 1969 election, two 
men wi aught in an 
attempt to assassinate me. 
IMELDA: And they were hired by. 
FERDINAND: Hold it! ‘They were hired by 
Eugenio Lopez, Sr., and many other of my 


we 


enemies 


Many of them confessed. Even 
when Eugenio came to the Malacañang 
Palace to confess and apologize—he was 
g all over the place—I just said, 
“You didn’t need to come here. І know 
what's going on. Furthermore, the lies you 
have spread about me and my wife 
IMELDA: The president and mysel 
FERDINAND: Hold it, hold it! Lopez apolo- 
gized to me. He said, “I had nothing to do 
with the assassination plot, but I admit 
that the information 1 published about 
vour wife was fabricated.” [U.S. press 
reports tell a different story: A member of 
a prominent family, Eugenio Lopez, Jr., 
was imprisoned without formal charges 
s, while his family refrained 
om public criticism of the Marcos 
regime and tumed over more than 
$400,000,000 worth of holdings—includ- 
ing a newspaper and a broadcasting 
network—to Marcos’ relatives and sup- 
porters. In 1974, Lopez Sr., then dying of 
cancer, visited the Marcoses at the palace, 
but his son was not released. Lopez Jr 
then went on a hunger strike, and his fam- 
s. It was not 
that Marcos first charged 
Lopez Jr. with attempted assassination. ] 
IMELDA; The worst things he'd published 
were stories that | was stupid! And that I 
hadn't grown up across the street from 
where General MacArthur had h 
headquarters—that I grew up in a little 
shop. Can you imagine that? 
PLAYBOY: Why werc you called stupid? 
IMELDA: | went to a Benedictine convent 
for my enüre education. And im this 
yearbook that you'd autograph for your 
classmates, І would miss an E or an I or 
whatever. At least 1 wrote some words. 
FERDINAND: She was also the student- 
council president. 
IMELDA: "That's not the point—a psychia- 
trist came to look at how I wrote, and he 
said, "She thinks faster than she can 
write.” I always mistake words when | 
write, even today. 

[Marcos leaves to take a phone call.] 
PLAYBOY: Earlier, we were talking about 
the betrayal by Enrile 
IMELDA: On the day we arrived here, know- 
g exactly that the main culprit of the 
coup was Johnny Ponce Enrile—J-P.E., 
Marcos called him. Can you imagine 
that—calling your enemy—— 
PLAYBOY: Who had been your fr 
ycars? 

IMELDA: Exactly. But Marcos 
take over the prime ministership of the 
parliament and I will support you.” 
Imagine! Mrs. Aquino did not offer the 
prime ministership to J.P.E.! 

PLAYBOY: Did that make you angry? That 
your husband had 
IMELDA: I was very angry. All of us were in 
a state of shock. This man ile, the one 
who caused all of these problems—it was 
so terrible. We sullered all these indigni- 
ties when we left. We were dumped into a 
C-141, were all on top of each other; there 
was no opening in the airplane, and we 


could barely breathe, and it went from so 
cold to so hot—it was a plane meant only 
for cattle! So on the day, the very moment, 
we arrived in Hawaii, he put in a call to 
J.P.E., saying he'd support him. 

PLAYBOY: And how did you react? 

IMELDA: I said, “You are insane!” 

[Marcos returns to the room in time for 

that remark.) 
PLAYBOY: Mr 
think 
FERDINAND: Take her, take her, please. 
[Laughs] 
IMELDA: I'm serious. Mrs. Aqui 
ished the constitution, 
parliament—and they talk about Marcos 
as a dictator? Marcos as oppressive? Mar- 
cos, a tyrant? Mrs. Aquino, do you think 
that if you destroy Marcos, the Philip- 
pines will flourish? If Marcos was the 
problem, OK; he's out. Why do you have 
to spit at him, curse him, kick him? 

This woman, Aquino, she is satanic. In 
the name of God, she used God to package 
communism, these crazy things. 

PLAYBOY: Mr. President, if you do not suc- 
ceed in going back, how do you think his- 
tory will remember you? 

FERDINAND: | cannot answer that yet. 
There are several scenarios. 
PLAYBOY: Meaning you still 
return? 

FERDINAND: Let's put it this way: History 
is not through with me yet. I still believe 
that justice, no matter how slowly. it 
grinds. But it grinds exceedingly well. 
PLAYBOY: Well, let us put it this way: When 
you hear your wife refer to you as honest, 
generous, loving and the most wonderful 
man on carth, do you believe lier? 
FERDINAND: [ Pauses] I am a full man. 
IMELDA: No, you're a whole man 
FERDINAND: Right, I'm a whole man. 
PLAYBOY: Which means? 

FERDINAND: Most of the Third World pco- 
ple have lost the yalues that made them a 
whole man—the perception of dignity, the 
true meaning of freedom and the willi 
ness to fight for that freedom. 

IMELDA: Can I grab your pen for a minut 
I can draw it for you, to show what I 
mean. [Takes pen and draws circles, squares 
and other shapes] We're talking about the 
whole man—body, mind and spirit. You 
ve the body what is good and makes him 
healthy [draws circle]. Give the mind the 
truth to make him educated [draws stars 
over the circle]. And then, when everything 
n harmony, he is whole and starts to 
smile [draws a smiling face over the other 
drawings]. And if you take off one part of 
that, the picture will look like a crocodile, 
not content with that. We want 
fulfillment and happiness to make a tru 
happy face. If he has an unhappy face, it’s 
this [draws an upside-down heart]. Mind, 
body and spirit—and we all have a happy 
face! 

PLAYBOY: Is this semeiology a way of 
expressing a, what shall we say 
IMELDA: I call it a theology. It’s 
sumptuous, but it i 


President, what do 


hope to 


and we 


little pre- 
correct. [made a the- 


ology toward а new human order, using 
symbols. And | call it Seven Portals to 
Peace. [Takes pen in hand again] Here I'm 
going to use only the numerical symbols of 
one and zero. Number one, how does the 
children [sic] draw a tree? Zero and one. 
Sec? As long as there is one tree on the 
planet, there will be infinity to bring 
about ecological order. [Keeps drawing] 
Number two, as long as there is one 
woman—this the sex symbol of the 
woman—and one man, the phallic sym- 
bol, there you have it: woman and n 
So there will be infinity and there will bea 
human order. Are you following me? 
PLAYBOY: We're trying. Please go or 
IMELDA: Number three, as long as you're 
not thinking of the dollar and going in cir- 
cles for the dollar like a porcupine, man 
will be the center, and man will flourish, 
the dollar will go around and there will be 
an economic order. Using only zero and 
one! Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. And man 
is the center. And here's number four—I 
always say the problem is also an oppor- 
tunity, 1 don't solve problems. I re 
problems into assets. 
PLAYBOY: Of course, your financial assets, 
many of which are being held, have been 
of great interest to the U.S. media. 
IMELDA: Thats my problem. I have an 
American mind; I'm honest and open 
"That's what my problem is and the prob- 
lem of America is—we tell everything. 
PLAYBOY: You haven't told everything to 
the courts about your assets, 
My dear, | 


yele 


will 


survive 


PLAYBOY: Such as, of course, the shoes 
your palace closet 
IMELDA: At least there were no skeletons in 
my closet, no? [Laughs] People forget. In 
the Philippines, shoes are now 60 pesos a 
pair—that’s three dollars. And this busi- 
ness of my having 3000 pairs of shoes— 
even if I'd had 10,000 pairs of shoes for 20 
years, that’s only $30,000, Many people 
spend a lot more than that in ten years. 
The thing is, I was promoting anythi 
that was Filipino—I was the first lady 
remember that 
PLAYBOY: Did 
shoes? 
IMELDA: Well—I was not always parochial, 
let's say. [Laughs] But I did wear a lot of 
Filipino-made shoes. Look at these, for 
instance. [Takes shoe off right foot] This is 
Oleg Cassini, franchised in the Philip- 
pines, and it was made in two hours 
[Holds up shoe for inspection] In Italy, the 
shoes would have taken two 10 make. 
Two days! 
PLAYBOY: Yes, but if they'd been made 
Italy, they wouldn't have rubber sole: 
yours do, would they? 
IMELDA: They still stand up for wear. 
"The point is, by making these shoes, we 
were able to give jobs to our people. Shoes 
were not even my weakness. 
PLAYBOY: What was? 
IMELDA: [Laughs] Um cei 
to say it out loud for 


you wcar only 


pino 


n 
as 


ly not going 
1 Aviv; arc you kid- 


g? Seriously, my weakness was tri 
people I shouldn't have trusted. 
FERDINAND: One thing about her shoes— 
she lost a shoe on a state visit to China, 
because so many people were bugging her 
Later, when the media publicized the 
3000, we joked that we should have taken 
them all along on that trip. 

IMELDA: I got along the rest of the day in 
China with one shoe by wearing a long 
gown. But when I got back to the hotel, I 
threw that shoe away. Then, a few days 
after we got back to Manila, the Chinese 
ambassador came to call. He had with 
him the shoe I had thrown away 

"The moral is, never throw shoes away, 
because they will catch up with you. 
[Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: President and Mrs. Reagan 
made their own state visit to Bali last усаг, 
Were you disappointed that you didn't get 
to speak with them in person? 
IMELDA: [Pauses] No, I was happy that wi 
got to speak with them on the phone. We 
were grateful that they remembered to 
call, that they took time to speak with us. 
I had spoken with Mrs. Reagan during the 
final days in Ma 
PLAYBOY: Really? You spoke with Mrs. 
Reagan on the phone during that period? 
IMELDA: Yes. On the day the palace was 
under attack by rockets, she said to me, 
‘Come, Mrs. Marcos, I invite you to the 
United States." The Reagans were very 
sweet and wanted us to be their guests. | 
had to say that I would be the last to leave 
my country. Unfortunately, the Reagans 
were then fed lies by bureaucrats. But I 
surely appreciated their humane concern. 
PLAYBOY: Has it ever occurred to you, now 
that the Reagans have their own troubles 
with the Iran/Contra crisis, to call up 
Nancy Reagan and return the favor—tell 
her to just hang in there, that sort of thing? 
IMELDA: Yes, I feel there will be a time for 
all of that, but I don’t want to be pre- 
sumptuous. They're smart enough to do 
this thing right, and what President Rea- 
gan did has a moral foundation to it. 
PLAYBOY: Selling arms to Iran has a moral 
foundation? 
IMELDA: You just cannot argue with me 
about it—President Reagan did what he 
did because he wanted to protect Amer- 
ica. Reagan's number-one oath is to pro- 
tect America. And the system would not 
help, so he had to go an illegal way. But it 
was morally righ 

And, of course, Т understand what 
like to be in distress. Last year, just before 
Thanksgiving, we were getting so con- 
gested in our home here—people were 
getting hotheaded with each oth 
wounding each other, hurting cach other; 
it was like everybody had his own foxhole. 
So then some of our people came and said 
“Mr. President, we are leaving; we can't 
nd this anymore; we're up to hei 
[Points to neck] 

PLAYBOY: A mutiny? 
IMELDA: A mutiny. So the president said, 
"Gentlemen, this situation reminds me of 


ing 


PLAYBOY 


my namesake, Ferdinand Magellaı 
said, “When Magellan and his crew had 
not seen land for many months as they 
were circumnavigating the globe, Magel- 
lan went before all of his men and said, 
"Gentlemen, today we are no longer oi 
nary mortals. We have just turned into 
gods. And let us thank the Lord for this 
great privilege of having been so deprived, 
so humiliated, and given all these indigni- 
ties, because these are all instruments for 
heroism and greatness.” 

“And I promise you," said Marcos, 
hat this is one fight no one will lose— 
even if we fail, we fail as martyrs for free- 
dom.” There were three or four minutes 
of silence; then everybody stood up and 
saluted Marcos and said, "We're sorry, 
sir." 1 have never seen the president in a 
more glorious and shining moment than 
then. 

When I saw this, I had to go and 
embrace the president. I said, “Hallelu- 
jah, this is something!" And ever since 
then, things have been fine with our staff. 
PLAYBOY: You think of yourselves as gods, 
then? 

IMELDA: Yes, because we are on a divine 
mission. 

PLAYBOY: Which is? 

IMELDA: To return to the Philippines to 
reclaim our destiny. 

FERDINAND: We are part of the achieve- 
ment of being a god. That is what we are 
about now. An ordinary mortal would not 
be able to stand it. All of our statements 
now have to prove that we have not gone 
back to being ordinary mortals. 

IMELDA: And even if we fall— 
FERDINAND: We'll fall as martyrs for the 
cause; we'll fall with honor. 

PLAYBOY: You've said you would do any- 
thing to keep the “flame” alive- 
IMELDA: The flame of freedom! 
PLAYBOY: What, exactly, does that mean? 
FERDINAND: I'm willing to If neces- 
sary. But I don't think that may be neces- 
- I will not be surprised if by the 
time this appears in print, we are enjoying 
the Manila sunsets. 

[Marcos leaves to take a phone сай.) 
IMELDA: After you ve been deposed, after a 
leader has fallen, he's suddenly ugly, a 
crook. Somoza! The shah! Everybody! 
You know who was the first to call us 
when we got here? The shah's widow. 

But, again, why did Marcos proclaim 
martial law? Because the Communists 
were already pounding on the gates of 
Malacanang Palace and in congress. Did 
Americans realize why we did it? No! 
PLAYBOY: What Americans did hear were 
the many allegations by human-rights 
groups, such as Amnesty International, of 
the terrible things the Marcoses had 
ordered done to people 
IMELDA: Human rights! Human rights! 
How about human right? We chose to be 
with America, not the Communists, 
that’s why we're now being crucified! 
PLAYBOY: You keep invoking the Deity. Do 


м 


you think God has something special in 
mind for you? 

IMELDA: Yes. I think He has something spe- 
cial in mind for me. This has been too 
much of a preparation. And I don’t just 
believe in God—I make God real. I want 
to be surrounded by what is beautiful. 1 
want to do beautiful things. 

FERDINAND: [Returning to the table] My 
doctors have been telling me to take my 
nap. I said I had an interesting interview 
with pLayuoy. They asked, “Are they mak- 
ing you the centerfold?” [Laughs] Maybe 
we should send them the immigration 
commissioner's picture. 

IMELDA: They can't use your pictur 
don't want you to look too healthy now 
You'll be forced to sit down before the 
grand jury in Virginia [about alleged mis- 
use of U.S. Government funds]. [Laughs] 
Me, I recycle everything—even being in 


jail would be very positive for me if they 


called me to a grand jury. 
FERDINAND: I do not want to go home that 
way. [Laughs] 
IMELDA: Andy, tell them about your bitter- 
est enemy. 
FERDINAND: You're talking about the guy 
who tried to turn me into a queer, which 
I'm not and don't intend to be! 
PLAYBOY: A homosexual political enemy? 
FERDINAN 
PLAYBOY: Yet enemies of Marcos had real 
reasons to fear you, didn’t they? 
IMELDA: OK. What so terrorizes a lot of 
people in the Philippines who would fight 
against Marcos is that, always, all of Mar- 
cos’ enemies somchow go and get sick, or 
something terrible happens. [Laughs] 
From time immemoriable [sic]. 
FERDINAND: Unfortunately, my enemies 
are slowly dying away. And so the game is 
not as exciting as it used to be. 1 am sur- 
prised at the way they are disappearing 
from the scene. 
PLAYBOY: Some pcople charge that, over 
the years, you have been responsible for 
some of their disappearances. 
FERDINAND: Let them say what they want. 
It's not true. 
PLAYBOY: What if something terrible were 
to befall Cory Aquino? 
FERDINAND: The Communists will proba- 
bly try to kill Madame Aquino and blame 
it on mc. It's in their blood. 
PLAYBOY: It's in their blood to kill Cory? 
FERDINAND: What do you mcan, Cory? 
Everybody! All the leaders of every party, 
induding ours. All she did was release 
from jail the 441 most prominent Commu- 
nist leaders our government had spent 
ing to track down! The way the 
Communists are conducting themselves, 
even if Madame Aquino survives the elec- 
tions, she will not last the year. 

[The interview resumes in the living 
room.) 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the hours before 
your downfall, Why didn't you try to 
mount a counterattack with troops loyal 
to you? 
FERDINAND: | could have had the Mala- 


cañang Palace bombed. I could have done 
a number of things to ward off the айас! 
ers. But I had another plan. I was going to 
cut off all the palace's utilities and then 
infiltrate the defense building—friends of 
Enrile’s are also friends of mine. So T 
called him and said, “Let's stop this fool- 
le promised me he would try 
to work it out; but by that time, I suspect, 
Cory was already in touch with him— 
through the Americans. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you suspect that? 
FERDINAND: Because I received a threat 
that the Marines would be used against 
me. The U.S. Marines! I got a formal 
note—unsigned—from I won't say whom, 
but it was a high-ranking U.S. official. 
[Marcos has elsewhere named former 
Ambassador Stephen Bosworth as the offi- 
cial who threatened him. Bosworth denies 
this.] 

PLAYBOY: How did you respond? 
FERDINAND: | said, "You show me this 
note, but signed by President Re: 
ГЇЇ surrender to you." I теа! 
Reagan was declaring war on me—what 
the heck! I surrender! I face reality! ГИ go 
to the President and say, “I'm your pris- 
oner; what's happening?" [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: Yet it seems clear that the order 
for vou to step down came from the 
President. 

FERDINAND: I seriously doubt it. It was the 
diplomatic-level people at the U.S. em- 
bassy, The policy there was to get Mar- 
cos out. There was a U.S. Senator there 
whose 24-year-old daughter felt 
because there was a party she wasn’t 
invited to attend. [State Department 
sources say that no one of that description 
was in the U.S. embassy at that time.] I 
talked with President Reagan later and I 
think he was unaware; he was misled. 
PLAYBOY: And the assassination of Aq 
as we have discussed, was crucial 
FERDINAND: The Aquino assassination 
added to the resolve of the U.S. embassy 
to try to knock me off. But Pm not going to 
fault anyone. All I know is that somebody 
from a Senator's office [presumably that of 
then-Senator Paul Laxalt, who served as 
go-between during that period] called and 
said, "You'd better get out of there. Even 
gunboats will be used against you." So I 
immediately issued an order that if any 
American gunboat came into Manila Bay, 
or if the Marines landed, no firing. [Li 


о, 


It then. called 


Laxalt checked out. Lax 
Marcos to assure him that there was no 
such threat.] 

PLAYBOY: So, in effect, Senator Laxalt told 


you that you had to cut and run. 

FERDINAND: No, he never said those words 
to me. In fact, 1 do not know what 
Laxalt’s memory is, but the truth is that I 
did not talk with him before the events 
that ended in my departure from the Phil- 
ippines. I talked with him afterward. 
[Laxalt says this is not truc and that 
he and Marcos spoke several times before 


his departurc.] If he had ever said those 
words to me, I would have said, “May 1 
talk to President Reagan?” 

PLAYBOY: And what would you have said to 
your old friend President Reagan? 
FERDINAND: I would have said, “You know 
you're ordering the use of American 
troops and violating the law. You are sup- 
posed to submit this to the Congress 
within 90 days.” 

But the President did not know what 
was happening to us. I know this because 
he stopped off in Honolulu last year, on 
his way to Bali, and he gave me the 
impression that he did not know. It was 
all underlings. The same type of under- 
lings that, in my case, I say stole so much 
money from the Philippines 
PLAYBOY: Since you bring it up, do you 
know what your net worth is? 
FERDINAND: Yes. But Pm not about to tell 
you. [Laughs] The true answer is yes and 
no. My net worth is covered by the docu- 
ments I have, and I am ready to show 
them at the proper time. My enemies say 1 
have deposits in the Bahamas, in Panama. 
Now, Га like to see those, because 1 don't 
have any paper on those 

They claim Um worth—how much? 
Thirty billion? I say, "Show me the paper. 
and we can split it. You take 29 billion, 
give me one billion and let's say goodbye 
like friends." But they have to find it first! 
And not in pesos—in American dollars! 
[Laughs] 


IMELDA: You remember The Wall Street 
Journal had stories that either the money 
didn't exist or Marcos was smart to have 
hidden it so well. Which was it, Andy? 
FERDINAND: Well 
IMELDA: You were smart! [Laughs] 

[Mrs. Marcos leaves for a while.] 
PLAYBOY: Earlier, when you talked about 
America, and when Mrs. Marcos referred 
ans," it seemed as if your 
so tightly intertwined with U.S. 


history. 
FERDINANI 
burg Address before I could read. We were 


Look, I learned the Gettys- 


under the U.S, educational system. But 
my grandfather headed the revolutionary 
forces and fought to the death! 

PLAYBOY: Against the Americans? 
FERDINAND: First against the Spanish, then 
against the Americans. So 1 knew about 
American history through his stories, 
and I fascinated by American 
heroes—Teddy Roosevelt, all the guys my 
grandfather fought. I guess I was always 
fascinated by America. 

PLAYBOY: So you grew up in an essentially 
American way 

FERDINAND: Yeah, with hopes of going to 
Harvard, only I was ordered into the mili- 
tary. But I had, I remember, a yellow con- 
vertible, a Chrysler fireball, all kinds of 
other cars. I lived the bachelor existence. 
PLAYBOY: A pretty lavish one, too. You had 
some early success as a lawyer, didn't you? 
FERDINAND: Yes, I was carning a good liv 


was 


, because I had a reputation for having 
represented myself successfully before | 
got my law degree. 

PLAYBOY: What case was that? 

FERDINAND: | was accused of murder. In 
9. The guy testifying against me as 
an eyewitness was someone I'd never seen 
before. 1 jumped on him right in court and 
started to choke him. I was strong and for- 
got myself. I was actually in jail when I 
took my bar exam and, of course, every- 
one said, He'll never be able to concen- 
trate and take the exam." But I am the 
type who can put aside tensions and wor- 
ries, and I took the exam, passed it and 
began handling big cases right away. 
Although I specialized in corporate law, I 
decided to practice some criminal law, for 
the sake of the criminals who had been in 
the penitentiary with me. 

Anyway, when you're a lawyer in the 
Philippines, you're automatically consid- 
ered presidential material. One of my first 
cases was that ofa bon vivant charged in a 
gold-mining scam. He was living quite the 
bachelor life. 

PLAYBOY: Unlike yourself? Didn't you say 
you led a fast life—cars, ladies? 

FERDINAND: God, we’re returning to sex! I 
try to avoid it. The answer is yes and no. 
There's a saying in the Philippines, “You 
can be hungry in the eyes but no further 
than that.” My greatest fear was that 
someday | might wake up and discover 
somebody I was not in love with beside 


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PLAYBOY 


me in bed. I was afraid I would go crazy 
and shoot myself. So I promised myself 1 
would never have an allair to the extent 
that a woman could, well, corner me into 
a shotgun wedding. So | kept window 
shopping. But when I met Imelda, I was 
swept off my feet. I proposed to her in the 
first 30 minutes, 
PLAYBOY: What persuaded you? 
FERDINANI irst, I made her stand up to 
find out how tall she was. She was about 
my height, and I said, “I guess you'll do." 
I told her I felt bells, I smelled roses, I 
could quote poctry the whole night 
through—I had never felt like that about 
ny other мота! 
PLAYBOY: And you did not even kiss her 
until —— 
FERDINAND: The altar. She was very cir- 
cumspect and had a chaperon before we 
were married. Our wedding was in '55, 
and I was running for congress, and she 
started having these migraine headaches. 
[Both were involved with others at the 
time of their wedding, which was in 1954, 
and Marcos was already a congressman.] 

We went to the doctors and they told me 
the headaches were caused by my desire to 
become involved in politics. They said, 
“Either you give up politics or she will not 
be able to perform normally as a wife.” 

So I said to Imelda, “ГЇЇ give up poli 
tics. ГЇЇ practice law, write books and 
amass a fortune—part of which I could 
put into a foundation for the poor." But 
she cried, “I cannot make you give up 
your life's ambition! Everyone says you 
will run for president in 20 years!" I beat 
them by nine years, by the way—I ran for 
president 11 years later. But basically, she 
said, "I'm going to be a politician's wife." 
PLAYBOY: "Then it must have hurt when, 
over the years, she was portrayed as the 
ultimate dragon lady. 

FERDINAND: Of course. She was not any 
thing like that. She was not ambitious. She 
was not grasping 
PLAYBOY: ‘Then why 
tion of her the oppo: 
FERDINAND: Because she did not bother to 
explain herselí—1 had to do it. In the 
carly days, she was always alraid of 
appearing before a crowd—until I got her 
to sing. She'd always been a good singer. 
When she was a kid in the Benedictine 
convent, she lived right across the street 
from General MacArthur's headquarters, 
and he used to have her come over and 
ig for his staff. 

PLAYBOY: And you then began to sing 
together as a campaign trademark, right? 
FERDINAND: Yes. Before I knew it, she was 
also delivering speeches. 

PLAYBOY: And —— 

FERDINAND: And she stopped having 
migraine headaches. [Laughs] 

[Mrs. Marcos rejoins the interview.) 
PLAYBOY: We've heard that there is an 
interesting story about your first public 
appearance as a singer. What year are we 
talking about? 

IMELDA: Oh, don't ask me this! It was 


the world’s percep- 


1944, and 1 was singing ata garden party 
in the MacArthur compound. Е sang a 
song—God Bless the — Philippines—and 
Irving Berlin, who was there, heard me. 
He came up to me and embraced me and 
said, “Dear girl, this song is God Bless 
America" I said, “No, this is God Bless the 
Philippines." He said, “I composed this 
song, and it's God Bless America.” 1 said, 
“There's no difference, because America 
and the Philippines are the same.” He 
said, “No, no, no. Almost the same but 
not really the same; this song is really 
meant for America.” So Irving Berlin 
went off into a little corner and stayed for a 
while. He came over to me and said, “I 
must have a piano." So he went to our 
house right across the street and played a 
new song. “I have this new song for you," 
he said—Heaven Watch the Philippines. 
“You'll learn this,” he said. “апа tomor- 
row there's going to be a big show I'm 


HIGH NOTE. Imelda Marcos, pianist in exile, 
claims that in 1944, she sang before General 
MacArthur and the entire U.S. Eighth Army. 


going to present. You'll premiere this in 
front of 40,000 men.” So the next day, I 

ng it in front of the entire Eighth Army, 
with General MacArthur and Admiral 
Nimitz and Admiral Halsey, and I had a 
backup chorus of 200 soldiers! You should 
have seen me! [Irving Berlin, 99, says he 
composed the song in 1945, not 1944, and 
"definitely not” for Mrs. Marcos. Penta- 
gon sources say that it is highly unlikely 
that such an event took place during that 
period.] This is how 1 first 
public—I was ten or 12 ye 
[Laughs] 1 still do love to sing, but I don't 
get much of a chance anymore. 
PLAYBOY: Perhaps you could sing a song or 
two for us. We'll play the piano. 

[Phil Bronstein, one of the two interview- 
ers, sits down at the piano.] 
IMELDA: Well... . all right. Let's start with 
Sentimental Journey—do you know it? 
PLAYBOY: We'll try. 
IMELDA: [Gives a rousing rendition) “UM be 
counting every mile of railroad track that 
takes me back./Never thought my heart 


tion./. . . [Breathy voice] Never thought 
my heart could be so yearny./Why did I 
decide to roam?/Got to take the senti- 


mental journey, sentimental 
hommmmmmmmme. 

PLAYBOY: Bravo. 

IMELDA: Now let's try Don't Fence Me In. 
[Sings with great gusto] “I want to ride to 
the ridge where the West commences,/ 
Gaze at the moon till I lose my senses. . . ./ 
Don't fence me in. [Winds up] Oh, baby, 
now, don't fence me in. Don't you fence 
me in!” [Applause] 

PLAYBOY: Do you have a secret desire to be 
on Broadway? 

IMELDA: 1 do have an offer to do a show. 
It's called Aloha. It has seven beautiful 
songs, and it's the story of Hawaii. In it, 
the queen, Alika, comes out beautifully 
dressed in her lei and grass skirt and long 
hair—my hair is long, anyway. But the 
nice part is, my first public appearance 
will be with beautiful things in my hair, 
wearing a grass skirt—and without shoes! 
[Laughs] Im going to make money on 
those shocs, you know. How is that for 
recycling a problem into an asset? 
PLAYBOY: Is there a singer whom you par- 
ticularly admire? 

IMELDA: Elvis Presley. He was ahead of his 
time, because he had deep feelings. He 
had the privilege of deep feclings because 
he was deeply loved by his mother, 
Gladys. He was able to appreciate deep. 
profound beauty in sounds. And he 
started a musical revolution. They say all 
revolutions start from love. 


journey 


PLAYBOY: Including the Aquino 
revolution? 
IMELDA: No! That was started in 
vengeance! 


PLAYBOY: Your own love story was pretty 
special, according to President Mar- 
cos 
IMELDA: Yes, it was made in heaven. Гуе 
been so blessed. Our life is a fairy tale. 
PLAYBOY: Yet the rumors persist about 
extramarital affairs. Yours, for instance, 
with George Hamilton. 
IMELDA: Well [pauses], at least he's good- 
looking, isn’t he? I'm in good comp: 
because he's got one of the most beau 
women in the world as his girlfriend, 
Elizabeth Taylor. We are beautiful 
women, beautiful people. Why does the 
press lap up all this stuff? Because we are 
all beautiful people. But George Hamilton 
and I were never more than good friends 
PLAYBOY: Then, too, there has been much 
publicity of late about your husband's 
alleged affair with a starlet, Dovie Beams 
de Villagran, a former B-movie actress who 
claims she was once his mistress. 
IMELDA: [Laughs] W nute! | know 
better. I have a special sensitivity about 
these things. You can tell when they're 
playing hooky. We're too close. 1 would be 
able to tell if he was with somconc elsc. 
[Mrs. Marcas leaves for a while.) 
PLAYBOY: Mr. President, vour own health 
became the topic of speculation through 
the last years of your presidency. There 
were reports that you were a candidate for 
a kidney transplant. Is that truc? 
FERDINAND: I was ready for a transplant, 


ycs. But when I came to the U.S. in 1982 
and the doctors saw the results of my kid- 
neys’ performing, they laughed me off the 
operating table. I said, “Be frank with me; 
do I need one?” Because I might haye had 
to give up my dutics as president, and I 
said I would have to settle my affairs and 
would like to in the Phili 
better yet, live in the Philippines. They 
said, "Don't worr 
PLAYBOY: Kidney dialysis is a procedure 
that many people cannot afford. Yet 
when the Aquino forces took over the pal- 
ace, they found seven dialysis machines. 
FERDINAND: That's right, seven. When a 
doctor friend of mine was asked why I 
would need seven dialysis machines, he 
said I probably had seven kidneys. 
[Laughs] The truth of the matter is, we 
were preparing for a battle, so we were set- 
ting up an cmergency hospital. The first 
wounds in battle are usually those that 
affect your kidneys. That's why they were 
there. 

PLAYBOY: There was also a stir raised on 
American TV when a video of your own 
version of a Jane Fonda workout was 
broadcast. Was it to show people in the 
Philippines that you were healthy, despite 
the rumors? 

FERDINAND: To be frank, I did not intend 
for it to be shown in the Philippines, 
though it was. I wanted it as a record of 
how I was feeling. Somebody apparently 
got hold of it and sold it. 

PLAYBOY: How could that happen? 
FERDINAND: That's like asking how some- 
one can tap my phone—but they do. The 
telephone company even told me so. I 
wrote a letter to the State Department 
complaining, but to no avail. 

PLAYBOY: Lers talk briefly about some of 
the world leaders you've met. Can you 
give us some thumbnail sketches of the 
grcatest —Mao Tse-tung, to start? 
FERDINAND: | admire all leaders who 
attain their objective, no matter what their 
politics. I appreciated Mao because it was 
always said that no one would ever be able 
to unite China. He did. He probably 
killed morc people than were lost in World 
War Two, but at least he kept to his 
objective—until the last few years. He 
wiped out Chi 
PLAYBOY: Did Fidel Castro impress you? 
FERDINAND: Yes, very much. A flamboyant 
person. He impressed me in this sense: 
He's one of the leaders who believe that 
in war, as in love, deceit is acceptable. 
[Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: And Margaret Thatcher? 
FERDINAND: Her? The Iron Lady? Don’t 
they say she’s the best man in England? 
[Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you say, when Mrs. 
Aquino ran against you, that it was 
beneath your dignitv to run against a 
woman? 
FERDINAND: Oh, 
that incompetent! 
PLAYBOY: Yet didn't you have Mrs. Marcos 


no! Not all women are 


negotiate the Tripoli Agreement with 
Muammar cl-Qaddafi in 1977, when you 
were seeking to have him cease funding 
the Moslem rebels on the Philippine 
island of Mindanao? 

FERDINAND: Yes, Mrs. Marcos had been 
over in Libya for a few days, and I talked 
with Qaddafi through her efforts. In 15 
minutes, we had reached an agreement 
through the persistence of Mrs. Marcos. 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't she threatened by the 
P.L.O. during that trip? 

FERDINAND: Yes, they were going to bomb 
the plane she was on. And so all the macho 
soldiers, including Ramos and Enrile, 
abandoned her and took another plane 
back to Rome. She stayed on the plane, on 
the theory that the P.L.O. didn’t kill 
women. I said, "Knock on wood,” 
because they had killed women. 

[Mrs. Marcos rejoins the interview.) 
IMELDA: So, what are we talking about 
here? 

PLAYBOY: World leaders and your role in 
dealing with some of them. 


PLAYBOY: Qaddafi 
IMELDA: Oh, him. You know, I really went 
out of my way to be friends with Qaddafi. 
The stories I could tell! But I will tell you 
this: I think he has a real problem because 
he was spoiled by his mother—whom I 
met and who is a wonderful lady—but it’s 
this whole Arab macho thing. 

PLAYBOY: Mr. President, is there one 
achievement you're proudest of during 
your 20 years in office? 

FERDINAND: Yes. Getting rid of this slavish 
colonial mentality in the Philippines. Con- 
verting a people to learn their own past, to 
stand up for themselves. None of that 
ing. beggary, mendicant posture. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think the people appreci- 
ate that? 

FERDINAND: Why do vou think they cling 
to these ideas even after I’m gone? It's 
only because of me. Those young kids— 
they're not just fighting for Marcos but for 
what he may have taught them. I was a 
symbol. Those in their 20s knew no other 
president except me. They knew Marcos 
as a guy who could crack jokes, who could 
demystify the complicated philosophy of 
ife. He could quote Rousseau and explain 
it—which no one had ever done. 

IMELDA: That was one reason the U.S, was 
so fascinated by us, as well. When we were 
elected, we were called the Kennedys of 
the Far East. I remember that The New 
York Times, Life, Time, Newsweek covered 
us. I even had my own articles in Reader's 
Digest. Because we were fighting for the 
same thing America stands for. This 
estrangement now is just an interlude, an 
intermission. Wait ull the second time 
around. It’s going to be a big, big love 
affair. [Sings] “Love is lovelier the second 
time around... .” 

PLAYBOY: Yet your reputation now, both in 
the U.S. and in the Philippines, is of your 


wi 


wealth and extravagance in a poor 
country 
IMELDA: What the president and I see in 
the Philippines is not what you see. When 
you go to the Philippines, you sec poor 
people. You must remember how poor 
they were yesterday. 
PLAYBOY: Still, your 
gance 
IMELDA: I always believed there was no 
extravagance in good taste. There was no 
extravagance in what I did and bought 
for my country. I lost my mother, the 
prime giver of love, when I was nine. We 
were poor. Then, years later, when I was 
able to give, I was crucified for it. If you 
want to be intimate with poverty, be a 
poor relation. And I was. I came from a 
third-class province of a Third World 
country to become leader of the country 
for more than 20 years, to travel in all the 
major corridors of power in my time. Isn’t 
that something? 

PLAYBOY: When you sang Don't Fence Me 
In, we couldn't help feeling that you were 
singing that your soul does feel fenced in, 
living in exile. 

IMELDA: It's a divine birthright to live and 
di one's country. I never willed and 
desired to be born in the Philippines—it 
was just destiny. 

PLAYBOY: If you got the opportunity, 
would you go back to the Philippines 
without President Marcos? 

IMELDA: ‘The president is no longer here in 
mind and spirit—this is only the shell of 
a man. He’s physically in Hawaii, but his 
mind and heart are in the Philippines. 
PLAYBOY: Yes, but if he had to stay here— 
let's say for health reasons—and you had 
the chance to go back by yourself, would 
you go? 

IMELDA: Yes, oh, yes, I would. Right at this 
moment, Pd go home. It's the only place 
I'm obsessed with. Thirty-five years ago, I 
went to Manila with a youthful face, a 
dream and five pesos in my pocket. This 
time, I will not go home even with a face, 
because I've been deprived of my honor 
and my dignity. ГЇ go back with five 
pesos and make billions and billions of dol- 
lars, because what I do comes from the 
heart and the brain—Pve got both. 
PLAYBOY: Mr. President, we'll be winding 
up now—— 

FERDINAND: Did I tire you? Did I bore 
you? As long as I did not bore you. 
PLAYBOY: Not at all. But one more ques- 
tion: something we alluded to before. You 
said you're not yet ready to say what your 
place in history will be. But how would 
you want your epitaph to read? 
FERDINAND: I don't . . . what's the lawycr's 
epitaph? HERE LIES A LAWYER 
IMELDA: WHO LIES NO MORE. 
FERDINAND: WHO LIES STILL 
PLAYBOY: Your epitaph, Mrs. Marcos? 
IMELDA: One word: Love. 
PLAYBOY: And your place in history? 
IMELDA: I just want to be in heaven. 


own  extrava- 


61 


| GAMBLING 
AMERICA 


A stow tropical breeze wafts through the 
sun-baked marble veranda overlooking 
the walking ring at Hialeah Park. It is ten 
minutes to post time for the cighth race, 
an event that now seems certain to deny 
me the $96,000 Pick-Six payoff that should 
be mine, all mine. So far today, | have 
been the Lord of the Races, picking the 
first five winners in the , horses 
that looked like baffling long shots to the 


lis not 
whether you win or 
lose, its where 
you play the game 


mere mortals in the stands but were rou- 
tinely brilliant selections for a Lord of the 
Races. Now, though, I have only one horse 
going for me in the sixth and final leg of 
the Pick. , A filly named Clay Path, and 
Lam certain she will lose. 

Clay Path, a class act who today is 
matched against a pack of second-raters, 
has not raced months, but she is so 
much more talented tha opponents 
that she need be only [way ready to 
win. The odds board g me, though, 
that she is out for only a prep and some 
exercise today, not to make me rich, She 
should be an overwhelming favorite, but 
a tepid choice and her price 
is not falling. She is a dead piece, and the 
sharpi ving away. 

I explain all this to my beautiful 


article 


BY STEVEN CST. 


ILLUSTRATION ВУ PHILIPPE WEISBECKER 


PLAYBOY 


companion on the veranda, a five percent 
investor in my Pick-Six syndicate and, 
thus, the beneficiary of $4800 if Clay Path 
gets home first. 

“It doesn't matter," she 
her banana daiquii Where ii 
would you rather be? 1 hear i 
back in New Yor! 

Here, it is a balmy 72 degrees at the 
country's most beautiful race track, a 
palatial tribute to French architecture. 
From where we stand, we can sce the 
dreaded Clay Path and her rivals being 
saddled up in a grassy walking ring that is 
surrounded by tall, swaving palms. Beside 
them is a bronze of the great horse Cita- 
tion, surrounded by a pool filled with 
water lilies. On the other side are foun- 
tains, beds of flowers as vibrant in their 
color as the South American parrots in the 
aviary on the grounds of the race track. 

On the front side of the track a few min- 
utes later, the world’s largest colony of 
pink flamingos preens on the two islands 
in the track infield as the gates open for 
the eighth race. Clay Path, away from the 
gate sharply, is cannily snatched up and 
taken back to the end of the pack by a 
jockey who holds the reins as tightly as à 
frightened child on a merry-go-round. He 
loosens them slightly when the cause is 10 
letting Clay Path finally advance to fifth 
place, a dozen lengths behind the winni 

The Pick-Six is lost and the final two 
races on the card are a bust, but the 
splendor of Hialeah and a gorgeous 
south Florida sunset remain to soothe me 
on the way out of the track, along with my 
companion’s uttering the magic words 
“Let's go to the dog track for dinner.” 

I am, in a sense, $96,000 poorer, but I 
am in Gambling Heaven. Six months later 
and 1000 miles north, I find myself in the 
heart of a lower circle. The road maps call 
it Adantic City, and the sign at the 
entrance to this place says DEL WEBBS 
CLARIDGE CASINO HOTEL, but I know that I 
have found Gambling Hell. 

I have been sitting at a $25 blackjack 
table for seven hours, trying to win back 
the $1200 that virtually disappeared in the 
first half hour. I have worked the remain- 
ing $75 hack to $800, but every time 1 
approach the $1000 threshold, the cards 
fall with cosmic injustice. The dealer, sul- 
len and hostile, is snapping the cards at 
me, grabbing my losing bets with enthusi- 
asm. Only a few feet away, the clanging 
slot machines are hammering at my brain 

Finally, the cards start falling, and 20 
minutes later, there is $1600 in front of 
me. I stand up, almost falling as I find 
that both legs have fallen asleep, and 
begin to shove through the slot-machine 
crowds to the cashier. [t takes 20 minutes 
to get to the front of the cashier's line. 
Staggering toward the lobby now, I feel 
the eyes of the Casino Undead upon me: It 
is a pack of the Bus People, the backbone 
of business in Atlantic City, desperate 


sipping 
the world 
snowing 


wretches who lose their quarters carly in 
the day and then sit in the lobby, staring 
vacantly ahead, until it is time for the bus 
to take them home. Finally reaching the 
pavement and the first fresh air 1 have 
breathed in half a day, I can look forward 
to the 20-minute wait for the valet-parking 
drones to find my car and then a two-hour 
drive home on a dark and rainy turnpike. 
. 

Paradise Loss Satan and Star Trek's 
Khan said they would rather rule in hell 
than serve in heaven, but 1 preferred los- 
ш out on $96,000 in Gambling Heaven to 
winning $400 in Gambling Hell. Even a 
gambler docs not live by bread alone. 

"The American gambling landscape has 
plenty of examples of both paradise and 
inferno, with a lot of purgatories in 
between. For most novice or casual gam- 
blers, it is hard to tell them apart until 
one's sentence is sealed. Unfortunately, 
there is no sign on some of Las Vegas’ 
most opulent gambling halls saying, we 
TAKE YOUR MONEY AND TREAT YOU LIKE GAR- 
BAGE, no Caveats at some race tracks that 
OUR RACING IS AWFUL AND SO IS THIS TRACK. 

Finding a good place to gamble does 
not mean finding a place to win money. 
Ninety-nine percent of the people reading 
this article are going to lose money gam- 
bling in the course of their lives, and the 
more they gamble, the more they will lose. 
he remaining one percent comprises pro- 
fessional gamblers, the winners of lotteries 


and those who work the winning side of 


gambling—bookmakers and race-track 
and casino owners. 

This is not meant to be discouraging. 
One hundred percent of the people read- 
ing this article will lose money the next 
time they go to the movies or out to din- 
ner. The point is finding value for the 
entertainment dollar. In gambling, there 
the additional lure that the nonprofes- 
sional may actually go home a few dollars 
ahead. If not, the idea is to walk away 
enriched from the fun of it. 

. 

Casino gambling in this country is legal 
only in Nevada, Atlantic City, New Jer- 
sey, and Puerto Rico, though the action on 
that commonwealth island is a minor 
attraction for tourists and lures few serious 
gamblers. Nevada and Adantic City offer 
the same major games—blackjack, craps, 
roulette, baccarat and slot machines— 
and the biggest casinos in both places are 
attached to luxury hotels. Otherwise, they 
could hardly be more different. 

All the best Nevada action is in Las 
Vegas, our national monument to greed 
vulgarity. A 24-hour-a-day psyche- 
delic engine, the city turns mild-mannered 
folk from the heartland into depraved 
gamblers. The idea is to go wallow in it 

A good rule of thumb for the Vegas 
greenhorn is lo forget about staying in or 
doing any serious gambling at the casino/ 
hotels you've heard of, but by all means 


to walk through them. Caesars Palace's 
moving sidewalks and replica of Cleo- 
patra’s barge are wonderfully wacky. The 
gambling tables, though, attract an inor- 
dinate number of high-rolling sleazeballs, 
fat dentists and contractors in country- 
club sweaters. The scene is similar at 
Bally's Las Vegas, formerly the famous 
MGM Grand, which is as big as its old 
name but a cold and hostile place 

Las Vegas is essentially two cities, the 
Las Vegas Strip and downtown Las Vegas. 
The St where the Rat Pack used to 
run and where the highest rollers play, but 
downtown is where to have fun. Down- 
town not only is Vegas in its most glorious 
tackiness but also offers the most favorable 
and pleasant gambling venues. 

Downtown is packed into five long 
blocks that seem like one continuous neon 
casino. Audio-animatronic monkeys and 
cowboys beckon pedestrians to come 
inside and try their luck, and homely girls 
in wild West garb shove coupons at every- 
one for free slot pulls and souvenirs. (For 
get about finding hookers, though: the 
street trade has all been moved indoors 
after a rash of incidents in which husbands 
were boldly solicited despite wearing 
wives on their arms.) Almost im le 
the gaudiness of downtown is the 
city’s best-kept secret, а casino/hotel with 
the aptly invisible name of the Las Vegas 
Club. The rooms cost $25 to $40 a night 
and are as nice as those renting for twice 
as much on the Strip. The casino is an 
even better deal. The Las Vegas Club 
advertises itself as having the world's be 
blackjack rules, and it's right. A player 
can double down not just on his first two 
cards but on his first three or even first 
four cards, pairs and aces can be split and 
resplit indefinitely, the surrender rule is in 
effect and there is an automatic winning 
payoff for any six-card hand totaling 21 or 
less. For those to whom the preceding is 
gibberish, suffice it to say that those rules 
give a good player an advantage over the 
house even without counting cards 

The entire place is roomy and sedate 
and the dominant motif is baseball, owner 
Mel Exber's passion. The dealers dress in 
sedate baseball jerseys, easy on the eyes, 
and are uniformly talkative and cheerful. 
‘This is the rule downtown, where many of 
the casinos are owned by old-timers. On 
the Strip, home of the corporate conglom- 
crates, the dealers arc instructed to talk as 
little as possible, to keep the game and the 
profits going quicker. 
Many of the downtown casinos, includ- 
i the Mint, the Horseshoe and the Fre- 
mont, offer single-deck or double-deck 
blackjack instead of the four-, six- and 
cight-deck games elsewhere. The dealers 
are under orders to shullle up early if bla- 
tant card counters tip their hands, but a 
good, discreet player can get a real edge in 
the single- and double-deck games. 

(continued on page 138) 


*Really? That's exciting! Which one of the Beatles are you?" 


66 


Irreverent... 
Outrageous... 


Sizzling... 


PA 


WN SHE was а l5- 
W:=- -old kid in Paris, 
at an age at which 
most girls are still sleeping in 
kitten-print flannel pajamas, 
trying to make sense of trigo- 
nometry and dreaming of 


boys they'd never have the 
nerve to talk to, Paulina 
Porizkova was living in night 
clubs, dancing on tables and 
pouring drinks down the 
necks of strangers. Her tiny 


Latin Quarter apartment 
served as headquarters to a 
horde of fashion-industry 


kids who stumbled in at 


with her new swim- 
suit calendar, the 
hottest model in 
the world could give 
a man sunstroke 


By MARK ZUSSMAN 


dawn, only to revive hours 
later for more raucous rev- 
elry. That, though, was years 
ago. This past spring, the 
world's hottest model—also 
the world's smartest, brashest 
and most controversial model 
and, arguably, the world's 
most beautiful woman— 
turned 22. The days when 


experience everything, good 
and bad, whatever it was, so 
that when I died, I could say, 
“Boy, I've done it.’ So I did 
do it. And I'm still doing it. 
Except...” 

Here the voice trails offand 
turns vaguely serious. Yes, 
there have been some adjust- 
ments. There are more in the 
works. Paulina, for example, 


fun. Then, in the next line, 
Pm saying shit and fuck. My 
experience tells me that the 
people who read Dostoievsky 
usually don’t say shit and 
fuck. So I’m not going to say 
them anymore.” 

Paulina is one of those 
bright-burning cosmic phe- 
nomena that occasionally 
blast into view in high-profile 


ULIN 


she is said to have worn her 
TOO DRUNK TO FUCK T-shirt are 
apparently history. 

“I was a wild kid, but 
who wouldn't have been?" 
she says. “You're in Paris. 
You're 15 years old. All of a 
sudden, after having been 
rather ugly as a child, you 
discover that you're attrac- 
tive to boys. You're earning 
tons of money—and there are 
no parents around. Who 
wouldn’t go completely nuts? 
My old philosophy, which I 
formulated when I was about 
ten, was that I wanted to 


has recently abandoned her 
highly principled take-me-as- 
Lam impudence and has had 
her formerly crooked teeth 
bonded. For the first time, 
she has begun to appear on 
magazine covers with her 
mouth open. This exquisite 
and expensive mouth, more- 
over, is on the verge of turn- 
ing a bit proper. “I do read 
my press, and when I see 
what I’ve been saying,” she 
says, "sometimes I go, ‘Uh- 
oh.’ Here I am, trying to 
present myself as the intelli- 
gent model. In one line, 
Im saying that 1 read 
Dostoievsky and Dickens for 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARCO GLAVIANO 


fields such as modeling. Yet 
she stands apart; she is one of 
those notorious exceptions 
who are at the same time 
huge successes and rebels (or 
at least not true believers). 
From that megabuck mouth 
have come shocking irrever- 
ence, disdain for the code of 
sentimental mush that those 
models who can speak speak, 
along with regular aggressive 
(text continued on page 128) 


The world's hottest model has 
the magazine covers to prove 
it; on the following pages, 
shots from her new calendar. 


Fy whos that guy in 
the subway, the one 
who looks tall, dark and famous? Isn't 
that . . . ? Yeah, it was, but he's gone 
Zoom! Ron Darling is on the run, and the 
question is, Why? He rushes to a cable sta- 
tion to do some dinky talk show on danc- 
ing, of all things. He rushes to his 
about-to-open restaurant, gets down on 
his knees and hammers flooring. He 
rushes to the gym and hammers away at 
his body, which you'd swear looked per- 
fect already. Now he's off to school to lec 
ture kids about evil Mr. Drug Abuse. Now 
to a photo studio to get his comely mug on 
some magazine cover 
Run, Ron, run. Can't ever seem to stop, 
can't even slow down. Taxi, subway, fec 
whatever gets there fastest, he grabs it 
Everywhere, people do double takes and 
try to mooch a signature or a handshake. 
Phone messages pile up at all stops 
Hey, Ron! Whoa! Hold it up. Take a 
break. You're entitled. Your team won the 


personality 


By LEWIS GROSSBERGER 


PITCHER 
PERFECT 


year. for Chrissake 
You're a certified, honest-to-God hero: but 
instead of going moose fishing or bass 
shooting or suds gulping or whatever the 
hell normal ballplayers are supposed to do 
off season, vou're running harder than 
ever. Listen, Ron, relax. Go home. Toni's 
pregnant and lonely, and you could lean 
back and catch some tube and chat about 
baby furniture. Before you know it, win- 
ters gone and it's back to work. Now's 
your time to take it slow 
Ви по. not you. 


world series Last 


. 

The Dr. Sun Yat Sen Intermediate 
School in lower Manhattan. A welcoming 
committee is out front—Chinese men in 
suits, anxiously watching for the guest 
The guest is late. Whoops, there he is 
now, striding briskly down the sidewalk in 
a black-leather jacket with long, Western- 
style fringe. He wears a backpack, which 
is full of autographable photos, and also 
holds а racket, just in case hc can steal 


some time later for tennis. No chance. 

‘The kids waiting in the gym give him a 
boisterous welcome. Girls squcal as if hc 
were a rock star. “Why are vou so cute?” 
one asks in a question-and-answer session. 
With the desperate shortage of Asian 
celebrities in America, Darling is a major 
idol in Chinatown, though he’s only part 
Chinese on his mom’s side. He gets a sure- 
fire laugh here with the line "I got my 
height from my dad and my patience, 
looks and intelligence from my mom.” At 
the end, order crumbles and Darling is 
mobbed, a calm giant (63") among bur- 
bling Lilliputians. Finally. he breaks free, 
and ofl he goes. Run! 

At this point in Ron Darling’s life, so 
much is going on that he often scems more 
like a corporation than a person. To 
coordinate all his public appointments, he 
has his own public-relations man. In Phil- 
adelphia, his financial agent is readying 
his salary arbitration with the Mets. There 
is another (continued on page 118) 


WITH A MILLION BUCKS, 
A GORGEOUS WIFE AND 
A MEAN SPLITTER, YOU'D 
THINK RON DARLING 
WOULD TAKE IT EASY. 


THINK AGAIN 


ILLUSTRATION BY ANITA KUNZ 


THE BEST REVENG 


FASHION BY HOLLIS WAYNE 


GRAV-WOOL-FLANNEL SLACKS, a Crocodile belt, a striped shirt ol 


a Island cotton and a double-breasted 
navy-blue blazer with gold buttons—these are the cornerstones of a well-built wardrobe. But don't 
kid yourself: The luxury of wearing things that wear well doesn't come cheap. The initial dollar out- 
lay, of course, is returned to you in the quality and the longevity of the wardrobe you build. Call it 
investment dressing. A single-breasted gray-pinstripe suit is a tried-and-true mark of a gentleman 
that pays back dividends every time you wear it. A cashmere pullover is an old friend that just gets 


better with age. Whether you choose a richly textured cardigan, a pair of custom-made shoes or an 
ancient-madder dressing gown, the result is the kind of personal satisfaction that comes from the 
ownership of something that never goes out of style. Give yourself a pat on the well-tailored back 


lollowing the numbers: 1. Custom-made 
English wing-tip brogues, by John Lobb, $1150. 2. Silk ancient-madder-patterned tie, by Cutlass & 
Moore, about $35. 3. Leather shoeshine kit with brushes and supplies, from Barneys New York, $65. 4. 
through 8. A Swiss cotton pocket square with a navy border and a hand-rolled edge, $9.50, a cotton 
tone-or-tone pocket square, $5, a pocket square with a navy-and-red-striped border, $9.50, a cotton 
pocket square with tone-on-tone checks, $5, and an Irish-linen pocket square, $8, ali from Barneys 
New York. 9. Ostrich-leather credit-card case, by Hermes, $465. 10. Cowhide key case with brass 
key rings, by J. & F. Martell, $66. 11. Onyx-and-gold cuff links, by Alfred Dunhill of London, $225. 


ore basic 

togs to bank on: 1. Double-breasted 
camel's-hair overcoat with peaked 
lapels and a self-beit, from Polo by 
Ralph Lauren, $1100. 2. and 3. Troplcal- 
weight-wool pinstripe suit with twin 
vents and double-pleated trousers, 
$995, plus a cotton pocket square with 
a blue border, $9.50, both by Alfred 
Dunhill of London. 4. Silk Jacquard fou- 
by Aquascutum, $40. 5. Silk 

twill tie, by Hermes, $65. 6. Red-silk tie 
with a mini paisley print, by Alfred Dun- 
hill of London, $55. 7. Black-calfskin 
belt with a brass buckle, by Peter Bar- 
ton, about $60. 8. Sea Island cotton 


dress shirt with blue pinstripes and a 
pointed collar, by Alfred Dunhill of Lon- 
don, $95. 9. Cotton-broadcloth dress 


shirt with a straight-pointed collar, by 
Ermenegildo Zegna, about $110. 10. 
Pink-cotton-broadcloth dress shirt with 
a regular pointed collar, by Van Laack, 
$95. 11. Striped Sea Island cotton- 
broadcloth dress shirt, by Cutlass & 
Moore, $80. 12. Sterling-silver cuff 
links, by Hermes, $275. 13. Calfskin 
straight-tipped shoes that have been 
hand-lasted, -welted and -finished, by 
Johnston & Murphy, $650. 14. Silk 
ancient-madder dressing gown with a 
shawl collar, patch pockets and a self- 
beit, by Cutlass & Moore, about $400. 


T 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JESSE GERSTEIN 


STYLING BY PATRICK GALLAGHER 


| he finishing 


touches: 1. Treated-cotton trench coat 
with a button-in wool! robe liner, 
detachable wool collar, stitched belt 
and leather buckles, by Aquascutum. 
$575. 2. Crocodile belt, by Trafalgar, 
$120. 3. Cashmere cable-knit crew- 
neck, from Cashmere-Cashmere, $295. 
4. Cashmere hand-framed crew-neck, 
by Alan Paine, about $500. 5. Sea Island 
cotton-broadcioth shirt with a button- 
down collar, by Cutlass & Moore, 580. 
6. Pleated wool-flannel slacks, from 
Polo by Ralph Lauren, $185. 7. Ostrich- 
leather eyeglass case, by Hermes, 
$475. 8. Silk rep tie, by Alfred Dunhill of 
London, $65. 9. Silk paisley bow tie, 
from Polo by Ralph Lauren, $22.50. 10. 
Silk braces trimmed with lizardskin, by 
Cole Haan Accessories, about $50. 11. 
Wool schoolboy scarf, by J. Press, 
$32.50. 12. Silk pocket square, by 
Hermes, $45. 13. Double-breasted 
cashmere blazer with a silk lining and 
14-kt.-gold-plated antique buttons, by 
Robert Mannino, to order, about $800. 
14. Calfskin handmade tasseled slip- 
ons, by J. M. Weston, $335. 15. Lamb's- 
wool socks with contrast tipping, by 
4. Press, $6.50. 16. and 17. Cashmere 
socks with a golf motif, $55, and 
a cashmere  cable-knit cardigan, 
$530, both from Cashmere-Cashmere. 


fS vo пив 
THE HEAVENLY HOST 


in the cosmic world of evangelical wrestling, there rises a 
diabolical new star! 


fiction By GHET WILLIAMSON 


1 USED TO tell my students at the seminary that an evangelical wres- 
tling match was a morality play for our time. Gone were the days of 
politically ideological wrestling, of grunting Iranian tag teams and 
fat, sweating pseudo sheiks. Now saints and sinners grappled with 
cach other on a stage of sin and redemption, the struggle between 
good and evil so clearly delineated that even the most obtuse specta- 
tor could comprehend and shout, “Hallelujah!” We could now— 
thank you, Jesus—see the power, not of a man or even a country, büt 
of the Lord. God was not only good, He was bigger and better than 
ever. 

Unfortunately, He also cursed me with a weakness for libidinous 
and willing coeds, a weakness that eventually cost me my professor- 
ship at the seminary. 

It was therefore with a joyful heart that I received a comcall from 
the Reverend Donald Devout of Denver, a man whose outrageous 
piety was equaled only by his love of alliteration. “Harry, boy, how 
are you?" His down-home accent was so thick Moses couldn't have 
parted it, even though he was from Philadelphia, same as me. 
“Understand you got some problems at the seminary.” 

It was the first I had heard from Don since we'd been roommates 
at Good News of the Airwaves Bible College. In the intervening 
years, he had become the king of evangelical wrestling and had grown 
reputedly wealthy and definitely famous in the process. “How did 
you know Га been fired?” I asked him. 

"How did Daniel know the dreams of Nebuchadnezzar? A Vision. 
came to me in which you dipped into a tender virgin's inner temple!” 

I was irked. “For heaven's sake, Don, she was twenty-two if she 
was a—” 

“Blasphemy, 100?” he bellowed so loudly my ear hurt. “But Jesus 
forgives. So do I. Ever think about the wrestling ministry, Harry? It's 
a great way to serve the Lord." He was finally spcaking without ital- 
ics. "Your plight has reached my cars just as I have lost one of the 
Lord's servants. It is a sign.” 

To make a long sermon short, Don offered me the job of villain 
manager. 

Evangelical wrestling, of course, required villainous instruments of 
Satan, and villains required managers. The managers were to find 
appropriately ugly baddies and train and outfit them. Reverend Don, 
fortunately, paid for the cyberprosthetics. (continued on page 106) 


ILLUSTRATION BY EO GIRARO 


81 


TAKE A LONG LOOK AT 
LONGVIEW'S NATURAL RESOURCE 


F YOU'RE ever in Longview, Washington—a logging town beside the Columbia River where 
firs, cedars and alders brood until Sharry Konopski's dad and his men cut them down— 
stop at Bruno's Pizzeria. There you'll find the prettiest pizza slinger in the great North- 
west. “Someday I'll be a model, actress, mom or all three," says Sharry with a smile 
that could fell the tallest fir or the most macho lumberman. “Right now, I’m 19. I’m still 
figuring out my life. Pm a waitress, a good one, who also happens to be 
PLAYBOY's Playmate of the Month. It’s my way of saying to the world, ‘Voila! Here I am!” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


hen the news got around," Sharry says, “people started coming to Bruno's to look 
for the PLavBov girl. Now, at work, I wear my hair up—nobody wants a hair in his 
pizza—my nails aren't done and I'm in jeans and a T-shirt. They looked right past 
me! I stayed behind the counter and thought, You'll never find me!” They will now 
Longviewers will find Sharry unpretentious (her fave date is a movie and a long 
walk), resourceful (she recently rebuilt her car's engine) and—almost despite 
herself—glamorous, even though she does prefer pizza to nouvelle cuisine. 


don't like to wear clothes all the time. | like to be comfortable. 
Sometimes | like to be silly. | like to run around the house nude, so 
posing nude wasn't so different. When we were kids, my girlfriend 


and I used to strip and climb trees bare-assed, feeling silly and free.” 


arilyn Monroe was gorgeous, witty, sexy—I 
idolize her. When I was ten or 11, | used to 
dream of being like her. And one morning 1 


woke up and had breasts. | thought, Isn't this neat?" 


hen I was little, | was really little. As а 
baby, | slept in a shoe box, and later a 
dresser drawer. | still think I'm kind of 


short and stubby, but people don't seem to mind." 


"т sexy— when | want to be. | don't want 
to be pushed or grabbed. | like things 


slow. 1 want the kind of guy who flatters 


me, shows me off and makes me feel sexy.” 


ome people in Longview are going to say it's 
S wrong being in р.лувох. My thinking is, it's like 
pressing a rose in a book. Someday, I'll bea 
grandma— might as well get a picture of it while I’ve got it.” 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: Kc a 
EF . a 


N 
merca: LC 2. WEIGHT: TOON 
BIRTH DATE: / ~ AO) BIRTHPLACE: 


амвтттонз:—а_{ unat to haue e E 7 

And succeed ad Lhat ello. 

FAVORITE THINCS: Ny, сиў. Boon. ths beach. x 

PET PEEVES: QUA ља Av vi 

: É 927 E 

ROLE MODELS: e 

лыла 
d Au меа 


SIE E her op ul 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Vatican sources report that during Oral Rob- 
eris! dollars-or-death vigil, the evangelist called 
the Pope and asked if it would be possible for 
him to be buried in Vatican City should the Lord 
call him home. The Holy Father replied that 
that would be most unusual, but he promised to 
take it up with the cardinals and get back to him. 
A few days later, the Pope called. “Mr. Rob- 
erts, because of your lifelong dedication to God's 
work, we have agreed to make a special excep- 
tion in your case, However, the fee will be 
$100,000." 
A hundred thousand?" the startled preacher 
replied. “But, Your Holiness, I expect to be there 
for only three days.” 


On his first day in the shop, the novice barber 
nicked a customer badly while giving him a 
shave. “I'm terribly sorry,” the barber apolo- 
gized. “Let me wrap your head in a towel.” 

No, thanks,” the customer replied. “СИ just 
take it home under my arm.” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines impotent 
loser as a guy who can't even get his hopes up. 


Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string 
asked for a beer. 

“Wait a minute, Aren't you a stri 

“Yes, Lam." 

TE m sorry. We don't serve strings here.” 

The determined string left the bar and 
stopped а passer-by. "Excuse me," it sa 
“Would you shred my ends and tie me up 
pretzel?" The passer-by obliged, and the string 
re-entered the bar. “May I have a beer, please?” 
it asked the bartender 

The barkeep set a beer in front of t 
then suddenly asked, “Hey, aren't 
I just threw out of here?" 

“No, I'm a frayed knot." 


a 


e string, 
vou the string 


An elderly guest at a large hotel accidentally 
locked himself, stark-naked, out of his room. The 
poor fellow, in an effort to locate a staff member 
to readmit him, opened a door down the hall 
and found himself in the midst of a ladies’ flower 
show. Spotting an exit sign across the room, the 
horrified man sped for the door and escaped— 
but not before the three judges awarded him a 
blue ribbon lor best dried arrangement. 


The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drin 
and asked the bartender if he wanted to hea 
dumb-jock joke 
“Hey, buddy," the bartender said, “see those 
two guys next to you? They used to be with the 
“hicago Bears. The two dudes behind vou made 
the U.S. Olympic wrestling team, And for your 
formation, Ї used to play center at Notre Dame 
“Forget it,” the customer . “1 don't have 
time to explain it to five guys. 


What do you get when you cross the Godfather 
with an attorney? An offer you can't understand. 


A sheep farmer troubled by coyote attacks was 
visited by a Department of the Interior bureau- 
crat just as he was taking aim with his rifle 
the official shouted. “There's no need 

to kill them. We have a drug that makes them 
impotent.” 

^] don't know what y'all do back in Washing- 
ton,” the farmer drawled, taking aim again, “but 
ош here, the coyotes eat the sheep.” 


(f 


VAT lema 
РА 


What do you do with 365 used rubbers? You 
make a tire and call it a good year. 


A man plied to become а 
police officer. Since his uncle was the police 
chief, the interviewer overlooked his lack of qual- 
ifications and posed only one examination ques- 
tion. “Who shot President соіа? he asked. 
Hmmm," the man pondered. “May I think 

about it?" 

"Sure. Come back tomorrow. 

When the man returned home, his wife 
“Did you get the job?” 

“Yes,” he replied happily. “They 
me working oi ase. 


sked, 


ready have 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, visio, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
11. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card. is selected. Jokes: cannot be returned. 


p 


Jotm 


Imp 504 


“Well, how's the old celibate doin’ today?” 


*« 


ROST 


By EMANUEL GREENBERG 


EAT, ignore the humidity. People with 
ts know that the antidote to thermal 
all, frosty, spirit-laced goblet tin- 

n fact, sipping such a cooling quaff 

at le ¡sure-time activities—attested 


ian not, rum is the liquor of 
rums, since the Caribbean 
rial 


a number 


‘on page 


= 


article By ANTHONY BRANDT 


DENNIS CONNER did it After losing the 
America’s Cup in 1983, the first time in 
132 years an American skipper had suf- 
fered such humiliation, Conner came back 
three and a half years later to compete 
again for sailing’s Holy Grail. After dis- 
patching 16 other 12-meter yachts in a 
series of 43 round-robin challenge races, 
he blew the Australians away four—zip in 
the showdown finale. Dennis Conner, the 
carpet salesman from San Diego. 

Sugar Ray Leonard did it. Leonard, an 
Olympic champion, then the world wel- 
terweight champion, the good guy of box- 
ing, had been forced to quit the ring five 
years carlier because of a dangerous injury 
to his eye that required surgery. In defi- 
ance of much wise counsel, he emerged 
from retirement to fight a machine of 
destruction who hadn't lost in ten years, 
who was a middleweight, not a welter- 
weight, and whose motto was “No 
mercy.” Leonard beat Marvin Hagler and 
to his three other titles added middle- 
weight champion of the world. 

We associate comebacks with sports, 
and these were two of the most thrilling in 
recent memory. Sports, of course, epito- 
mizes the back-from-the-dead saga, per- 
haps because the setback often seems so 
final, the end of a career. Joe Louis 
endured a humiliating defeat at the hands 
of the great Aryan hope Max Schmeling in 
1936, then destroyed him two years later. 
І wasn't even born then, but I know the 
story well; people talked about it for years. 
But businessmen make comebacks, too; 


RECOVER GIRL: Moonlighting as 
Maddie, Cybill Shepherd, last seen in a prom 
plunge, has surfaced as the comeback queen. 


Lee Iacocca took the moribund Chrysler 
Corporation and restored it and himself to 
health, after having been fired by Henry 
Ford IT because Ford didn’t like the cut of 
his jaw. Iacocca made $20,600,000 last 
ycar in salary, bonuses and stock options; 
Chrysler made close to 1.5 billion dollars. 
Performers make comebacks. Where was 
Cybill Shepherd a scant few years ago? 
Down and out in Beverly Hills. Tina 
Turner, abused and dismissed, turned up 
the volume on her ageless sexual energy 
and made entire busloads of younger rock 
stars look insipid. Dennis Hopper, the bad 
boy of Hollywood, shook off drug ram- 
pages and scandal to re-emerge as an 
Oscar contender. Now he's directing a 
film. 

We love comebacks. More than that, we 
seem to need them. We need to know that 


eres to tat gutsy 
qang thats been ed 
aled Knocked 00, 
papel and ogoten 
and retumed to trump 


BACK 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE CALVER 


100 


the tide turns, that after 
defeat can come victory, after 
failure, success. We need it so 
much that we let Richard 
Nixon come back, the man in 
all the United States who 
may have least deserved it 
We don't need Nixon, we 
need the myth of revival, of 
renewal. A man is down, 
he's been hit hard, but he 
picks himself up off the floor, 
dusts himself off and is ready 
to try again. He does and he 
wins! Like little children with 
a favorite book, we never tire 
of hearing this tale. We'll for- 
give just about anybody if he 
makes a comeback. 

We even forgave Bobby 
Ewing for dying, 

Sort of. There are peo- 
ple who make comebacks, 
there are others who merely 
come back, and Patrick Duffy's 
return to Dallas required 
no triumph of will or wile; he was 
just an actor coming in from 
the cold. Stacy Keach, on the 
other hand, shrugged off a 
cocaine conviction in Eng- 
land tostaronce again as TV's 
Mike Hammer—a character, 
by the way, created by a 
writer everyone had generally 
dismissed as a has-been but who 
has made a remarkable come- 
back of his own. Count no man 
out till he’s out, and then count 
a little longer (wasn’t Gene 
Tunney saved, after all, when 
he survived a count of II and 
went on to knock out Jack 
Dempsey?) We need this 
stuff, we need it because 
we've all been there, or somc- 
where like it. We've 
all passed through 
our personal Slough 
of Despond and had 
to find the resolve, 
the means, the cour- 
age to face our mis- 
takes, our bad luck, 
and come back strong. 
We need the Dennis 
Conners and Sugar 
Ray Leonards and 
Richard Nixons be- 
cause of what they 
signify: Don't forget 
me, pal. PII be back. 

An example. A 
friend of mine on the 
West Coast was doing 
well as an independ- 
ent video producer; 
he had shot some 
documentaries for 


(concluded on page 125) 


BILLY CLUBS = 


Twin Billy 


RALLIES & RESURRECTIONS 


They are down but THE SWEETEST 


never out. Against all 5 REVENGE 

Солун А) FA А 
sneers to cheers. 

The comeback > 7 
trail, that | hi YOu BACK? 
circular | jm 

avenue, is Я 
dogged with 
their numbers. 
Remember the 
Mets? Bom again. 
Miniskirts? Мот 
again. Faded denim? 
Ralph Lauren again. 
Pinky Lee is back as 
Pee-wee Herman. 


Nick and Nora are 
back as David and 
Maddie. Here's to 
Halley's comet and DAVID CROSBY 
Hayley Mills: What DICK CAVETT 
Twiger 
goes around comes iis 
aroused чау а 6. GORDON LIDDY 
JERRY RUBIN 
ED ASNER 
GERALDD RIVERA 


Tiger Billy Ranger Billy Athletic Billy Yankee Billy 


He brawied, pub crawled, managed half the American 
League; and now, as color man on Yankees broad- 
casts, Bily Martin still gives George Steinbrenner fits. 


the number-one net- 
work by 1985. Still, 
he's more than willing 
to rerun the disaster, 
that others might steer 
clear. 

Brandon Tartikoff: 
“I've prided myself 
that in seven years, 
Гуе made a lot of 
mistakes but not the 
same ones twice. | 
find new ways to 
screw up. I look back 
at that (811-1983 
schedule and realize 
that I made the clas- 
sic mistake of trying 
to serve too many 
masters. 

“Your main master 
B) should be the Niel- 
sens. After that come 
the affiliates; you 
In 1983, program- want good ratings for 


» 

» ing chief Tarükoff them so they won't 
launched nine prime- hang you іп effigy 
time bombs, all of during their annual 


which were off the air meeting. But with the 
in a matter of months. nine programs that 
But in the best come- failed, 1 scheduled 


back fashion, he was them for too many 
NBC'sPlucked able to clear the rubble other reasons. 
Peacock and build NBC into (concluded om page 148) 


BACK 
FROM THE 
BRINK 


NORMAN COUSINS 
BARBARA MANDRELL 
DAVIO GEFFEN 

BILL WALTON 

JOSEPH HELLER 
TEDDY PENDERGRASS 
ORAL ROBERTS 
DAVID BEGELMAN 

PIA ZADORA 

SILAS MARNER 
JACKIE MASON 


CLAYMATE OF THE YEAR | 


7 


ТАКЕ A HIKE, IKE 


Tina turned on after spik- 
ing hubby Ike and began 
private dancing. 


م —— 


WAITING Ne” 
FOR THE _Ex-National Velveeta 


Johnnys off the spot: DeLorean beat 
a trumped-up drug rap and Mob boss 
Gotti walked away from RICO charges. 


RERUNNERS 


JOAN COLLINS 
ALAN THICKE 
SUSAN OEY 

BOB NEWHART 
LARRY HAGMAN 
JANE CURTIN 
SUSAN SAINT JAMES 
CYBILL SHEPHERO 
ANDY GRIFFITH 
‘STACY KEACH 
BEAVER CLEAVER 
JANE WYMAN 
CESAR ROMERO 


WETBACK 


Patrick Dufty 


FIFTY-FOUR SKIDOO 


Studio 54 clubmeister Steve Rubell packed off to 
jail for tax evasion but now runs the Palladium and 
Morgans, a hip 
hotel. 


DUE BACK (ANY MINUTE NOW) 


HALSTON GARBO 

JIMMY HOFFA LASSIE 

D. В. COOPER SHANE 

1.0. SALINGER BO DEREK 

BOBBY FISCHER EVEL KNIEVEL 
CATCH THE WAVE 


America's Cup skipper Dennis 
Conner aptly titled his book Come- 
back; Mao's book is still well Red. 


DLAN 


BUSHNELL 


Video Game Casualty 

Bushnell's Atari 
Corporation, a bleep- 
ing success story in 
the Seventies, crashed 
hard when video gam- 
ing went bust. At the 
same time, he also lost 
all the dough he'd 
invested in a restau- 
rant chain called Pizza 
Time Theater. Now 
Bushnell’s back on a 
roll in the toy biz, but 
his memories of disaster 
are horrifically clear. 

Nolan Bushnell: 
"Before Pizza Time 
Theater, I was flying 
much too high to be 
brought down by a 
small arrow; it took 
a three-stage rocket, 
because I was in the 
stratosphere. 

“With the tremen- 
dous success of Atari 


and Pizza Time, you ness has no place in 


start believing that business. 
you аге a Wunderkind "But more than 
and that you can до that, I felt I could 


no wrong. This is 
very dangerous. The 
minute you get that 
fecling, you become 
reckless, and reckless- 


handle other things 
besides Pizza Time, 
and they started tak- 
ing 30, 40 and 60 
(concluded on page 148) 


ROCKIN 
REDUX 


FLEETWOOD MAC 
92 PRINCE 
Т | PAUL SIMON 
У | RY COODER 
| | THE MONKEES 
AM ` Ї = IGGY POP. 
YOU BETTE YOUR LIFE pue 
Former tipsy First Lady Betty licked substance abuse; JOHN FOGERTY 
Miss M divinely rose again after emotional collapse. PETER FRAMPTON 
ERIC CLAPTON 
YMA SUMAC 


MAGIC KINGDOM— 
COME AGAIN 
Uncle Walt is stil on ice, 

but new boss Michael 


Eisner has given Dis- 
ney Studios new life. 


FROM THE 2 
DEAD 


KING TUT 
SHERLOCK HOLMES 


ULYSSES 


104 


an olympic 
sitver medalist 
and former 
manhattan 
bike messenger 
reveals his 
two-wheel 
survival tricks 
In the asphalt 
Jungle 


N... Vails, 26, a 


National Sprint Cycling cham- 
pion, Pan-Am Games gold 
medalist and 1984 Olympic sil- 
ver medalist, learned to ride on 
the streets of his native New 
York. Friends called him Chee- 
tah for his speed and competi- 
tive drive. Irate drivers called 
him less flatiering names for 
his hell-bent style. Vails served 
as technical advisor for the 
1986 movie “Quicksilver. '' He 
also starred in the film's open- 
ing sequence, a mano a mano 
race between a cab and himself 
on wheels. He is now training 
with the U.S. team for the 
upcoming Pan-Am Games. 


Monhattan to Queens with- 
out having to stop for a sin- 
gle traffic light? 

A lap around New York is 
о great test for any cyclist. All 
recreational riders should try 
it. Take your life in your 
hands. If you don't live in 
New York, any big city will 
do, but a weekday afternoon 
in Manhattan is the best. | 
want you blasting down 
Broadway on Friday at five 
o'clock. You've got to put your 
behind on the line 

Of course, if you think it's 
going to be a joy ride in 
the park, don't woste your 
time—or clog the streets 


By Nelson Vails 


RIDING A BIKE in the city is like 
playing a game with your 
life. If a cab, a bus or a truck 
doesn't run you down, and if 
the cramps, crazies and traf- 
fic cops don’t get you, you 
win. | always win. I’ve been 
playing the game since | was 
a Harlem kid on his first bike. 
| got great at it when | spent 
two years as a bicycle mes- 
senger in New York City. 
Now I ride on tracks all over 
the world. But for me, urban 
cycling is still the all-time 
thrill. How else could you 
make it all the way from the 
World Trade Center in lower 


At the very least, you'll 
need professional help. You 
wouldn't go into с combat 
zone without a little basic 
training, would you? Well, 
urban cycling is as different 
from riding in the park as 
Platoon is from Radio Days. 
IIl be your drill instructor 
My ability to stay on a bike 
has kept me alive for the past 
20 years. l've never hit a cor, 
truck, bus, limo, hot-dog cart 
or moilbox. | hove hit o 
pedestrian or two, but they 
were asking for it. Trust me. 
Awareness—that's lesson 
one (continued on page 150) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRUCE AYRES 


PLAYBOY 


SEN VEN ВАВВО inact rom pe 81 


“At last I heard Reverend Don introduce me, paint- 
ing me as one of the great sinners of our age.” 


Cyberprossing was what really made 
evangelical wrestling succeed. The public 
never would have stood for it in old-time 
pro wrestling. The outcry had been bad 
enough when the old-time wrestlers cut 
themselves with hidden razor blades. So 
can you imagine the clamor at seeing 
hands ripped off, ragged stumps pumping 
blood (oh, yes, human—Reverend Don 
also owned a medical center) all over the 
first few rows? Washed in the blood of the 
Lamb, indeed. 

But evangelical wrestling got away with 
it. Its popularity was so strong that for a 
public official to condemn it would be sui- 
cidal. Literally. The fans were fans in the 
worst way—fanatics. And it was a pack of 
those fanatics who unknowingly made an 
opening for me. 

Sinning Sam Silverstein, who not only 
managed Pilate the Proud and Horrible 
Herod but was also a Jew, had been sav- 
aged by an angry mob outside the stage 
door. It seems that Herod and Pilate had 
unwisely roughed up David and Jonathan 
in a tag-team match before they had 
allowed themselves to be battered into 
submission by David's harp, and the 
crowd took it out on poor Sam, who was 
pronounced D.O.A. at Denver. General. 
Bad luck for Sam, good luck for me. Rev- 
erend Don gave me a weck to find a wres- 
ter. "The uglier and meaner and the 
bigger enemy of Christ the better!" he told 
me, promising to banklink money for 
expenses. 

е 

I found my man easily enough, а 40ish 
black brother named Mustafa who was 
ugly enough and mean enough but 
depressingly neutral toward Christ. We 
flew to Denver, where Reverend Don met 
us. Since our seminary days, he had 
become a huge, hearty man with a crown 
of hair like a shellacked air bag. Once in 
his limo, he wasted no time in telling Mus- 
tafa and me what the next few weeks 
would hold. 

“You,” he said unto me, “are now Har- 
ry the Heretic, manager of Mammon, and 
you,” he said unto Mustafa, “are Asphodel, 
the Ebony Demon!” Then he smiled 
broadly and generously. "Now, young 
man, whom the Lord hath scen fit to de- 
liver unto me, which hand would you pre- 
fer to have replaced —thc right or the left: 

Such was my introduction to evangeli- 
cal wrestling. Mustafa, who required 2 
minimal amount of persuasion and much 
less money than I would have asked for, 


chose to have his left hand replaced by a 
cyberprosthetic one. It was, admitted: 
an extraordinary piece of craftsmanshi 
The technology was so far beyond the 
myoelectric limbs of the Eighties that it 
made their owners look like Captain Hook 
in comparison. Instead of operating 
through muscle movement, a cyberpros 
limb is controlled through brain waves 
whizzing through a micromini implanted 
beneath the rib cage. Mustafa's new hand, 
fitted firmly into the slot installed between 
ulna and radius, did everything a real 
hand could do, and with extra strength. It 
was a shame that he would have only the 
one match in which to show it off publicly. 

That Saturday night, we were both 
extremely nervous as we stood in the ramp 
waiting to make our entrance. It was 
nearly eight, and soon Mustafa and I 
would be on TBS world-wide, seen by tens 
of millions of people, a significant number 
of them rabid Bornies howling for 
Mustafa's blood. Everything was ready. 
The redpaks and the raw liver had been 
tucked into the phony wrist, and my 
man’s face had been painted by Reverend 
Don’s make-up artist, though I thought he 
looked more like a little-theater Mikado 
than like a demon. 

At last I heard Reverend Don introduce 
me, painting me as one of the great sinners 
of our age, a man hurled out of the semi- 
nary for teaching not only free love and 
communism but also demonology and 
photographic techniques in child pornog- 
raphy. The more Reverend Don talked, 
the more the crowd shrieked out their 
hatred for me. But his diatribe against me 
was nothing compared with the number 
he did on poor Mustafa. There was noth- 
ing racially oriented, since Reverend Don 
had his share of black followers; but 
when he was finished, there couldn’t have 
been a soul in that arena who believed 
that Mustafa was anything less than the 
vilest, most depraved demon of the pit. 

For all their hatred, they were well 
behaved when Mustafa and I entered the 
arena. They shouted and threw things at 
us, but nothing heavier than a pair of bin- 
oculars. The ring was blazing with light, 
and high on the eastern wall hung a video 
screen that displayed a compugenerated 
Jacob wrestling with the Angel, the same 
footage that began and ended each show. 
We climbed through the red-velvet ropes, 
and then Reverend Don introduced “Solo- 
mon the Slammer! The Wisest Wrestler 
beneath the Heavens!” Solomon came on, 
handsome, bearded, golden-robed, sur- 
rounded by modestly dressed handmaidens. 


The match began, and in a brief time 
Solomon was slamming the Devil out of 
poor Mustafa, or Asphodel, as I tried to 
think of him. The fatal moment at last 
came to pass, and Solomon grasped the 
left hand, wrenched and stood up with a 
cry of godly triumph, holding the hand 
high above his head, the myriad circuits 
making the fingers flex and twitch as 
though still connected to the screaming 
demon writhing on the floor. Mustafa 
seemed thoroughly possessed by the spirit 
of the thing, flailing his arm so that the 
geyser of blood doused a woman in the 
front row who had been calling him a 
“nigger Devil” throughout the match. 

Finally, the redpak ran dry and the 
implanted sensors shut off the pump, the 
chunks of liver hiding the plastic and 
metal that formed Mustafa’s wrist. His 
struggle subsided and medicos rushed into 
the ring with a stretcher, tossed Mustafa 
onto it and whisked him away before any- 
one could see that he was still breathing. 1 
followed, shaking my head and making in 
the air what I thought might be inter- 
preted as arcane signs. I was booed, I was 
spat upon, but I was not hit. At least not 
hard. 


For his pains, Mustafa received five fig- 
ures, a ticket back East and the cyberpros 
hand, a $50,000 consolation prize with 
which he could win bar bets until the day 
he died. 

. 

As for me, my remuncration was suffi- 
cient but not extravagant. Reverend Don 
kept the big bucks, and I learned as the 
months went by that charity was one of 
the areas in which the reverend could have 
more closely emulated the Master. 

The money, you see, is not in the 
baddics but in the good guys. They're the 
ones, always angelically handsome (as 
though goodness had something to do 
with looks), who get the commercials, the 
product endorsements, the workout vids, 
the guest spots on The 700 Club. My boys 
got used and abused and tossed back into 
the anonymity from whence they came, 
and I spent my days hanging around gyms 
looking for more canonical fodder. My 
hopes of managing a hero were nil, 
because all of them were already managed 
by—you foretold it—the Reverend of the 
Ring his divine self. And Don Devout 
liked it that way. 

Weeks went by, and I saw Mary the 
Virgin trash my gal, the Whore of Baby- 
lon; watched David smash my seven-foot- 
tall Goliath; beheld Moses the Mighty 
mash my gilded Golden Calf, ripping off 
his implanted horns and piercing each of 
his four liquid-hydrogen stomachs with а 
startling blast of hell-fire. What could a 
Golden Calf endorse? And a dead one at 
that? But secing the calf get sautéed made 
me think about other livestock, and soon 

(continued on page 133) 


“We sure appreciate your doing all you can to make 
the weather interesting, Herb!" 


107 


if the beach boys 
could see these 
girls, they would 
definitely change 
their tune 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND DAVID MECEY 


€ had sus- 
pected for quite a while 
that something was, 
well, happening in the 
southernmost of our 
contiguous states. What 
with its burgeoning 
economy, sunny climate 
and relatively low cost of 
living, Florida seems to 
be attracting the sort 


of adventurous young 
woman who used to 
head for San Francisco 
or L.A. Could Florida be 
turning into the Califor- 
nia of the Eighties? We 
sent Contributing Pho- 
tographers David Mecey 
and Amy Freytag to 
crisscross the state— 
from the fast lanes of 
Daytona to the tequila 
sunrises of the Keys and 
points between, What 
did they find? Replied 
Mecey, "Remember that 
song California Girls? 
Let's just say it doesn't 
tell the whole story." 


"Something wild is 

going on here,” says 
Lynne Austin, Miss July 1986 
(above), who helped spark our 
Florida campaign. From the 
looks of Sunshine Staters 
Anita Faircloth, Amy Weiss 
and Robin Zourelias (lounging 
below), we can't disagree. 


ell, Tampa girls are hip; we really dig the Л 


smiles they wear . . . 


Б Ahoy! On board the 
ES M Scarab (at left), in 

Don Johnson chases the 
bad guys in Miami Vice, is 
Ormond Beach's Robin Zourelias, 
administrative assistant to 
Hawaiian Tropic suntan-lotion 
founder Ron Rice. Hosing down 
ashore (above and near right) is 
Tampa's Kristin Leslie, who, like 
Lynne Austin, works for the popu- 
lar Hooters bar-restaurant chain 
The soueze me gal in the sequence 
at near right is Barbara Ward, a 
singer from Plantation. At far 
right, another look at Orlando's 
Anita Faircloth, who insists, 
"Girls would get along better if 
they started thinking like guys." 


nd Orlando girls, playin' in the sand, 
make the lifeguards float on аг... 0 


Beach bums had better be on their best behavior when 
approaching Clearwater's Pamela Stein (far left). She's 

not only the baby of her family, she has five brothers— big brothers. 
You might have better luck, though, with Altamonte Springs’ Chris- 
tina Murphy (relaxing at right and going through the motions at 
left): She's got six sisters. “Then again, most of them are married,” 
Christina says, "which is 

something | don't want to do 

right now. I'm having too 

much fun!” Kicking back at 

the Parkesdale strawberry 

farm in Plant City is Tampa's 

Kelly Jo Dennis (top right) 

Kelly Jo devotes most of her 

spare time to reading novels 

and writing poetry. Finally, 

meet Boca Raton's Linda Car- 

roll (above). Why is Linda sit- 

ting in an air boat powered by 

a giant fan? Well, if you were 

into windsurfing, parasailing, 

roller skating and fast cars, 

you'd need to cool off, too! 


a aytona girls love sunshine and they really 
E I f 


й 


Lounging poolside (left) is 
EM Brenda Muenzner, a 19- 
year-old student who's an admitted 
pushover for “adventurous men 
with good, creative ideas.” Brenda, 
like Christina Murphy, comes from 
tiny Altamonte Springs—obviously 
a reliable source of beauty. Busy 
chasing down a cosmetology degree 
is Ashley Brooks (above), a student 
and part-time model from the Lake 
Mary area. Sun and surf aren't 
entirely unfamiliar to Ashley—her 
dad's a Navy man. Heidi Guenther 
(right) is a waitress and hot-fudge- 
‘sundae freak from St. Petersburg. If 
you're trying to figure out 
what's on this lovely's mind, you 
can be sure she'd be doing the 
same with you if she had the 
opportunity: Heidi is working 
toward a Ph.D. in psychology. 


de A nd Miami girls, with the way they move, 
make the stars come out at night. . p 


Would you buy insurance from Kristina Hauser? We sure would. The 20-year-old from Sarasota (above) is aiming 
toward opening her own agency. We've posed her in a traditional Florida setting, the Arturo Fuente Cigar Factory 
in Tampa. Amy Weiss (top) of West Palm Beach is locking for a mysterious, sensitive guy with blue eyes and blue jeans. 
A "stargazer” and an actress, Amy claims that her main ambition in life is "to make my dreams into a reality." At last, 
we come to Myra Baldwin (far right), a football-and-boxing enthusiast from Tampa. What else is she doing when she's 
not putting in hours working at the local tanning salon? She's out on the beach, of course, soaking up the real thing. 


PLAYBOY 


118 


RON DARLING „а 


“Here's Mr. P.! Carter shouts when Darling shows 
up. ‘It must be the perfect time for practice.” 


agent to handle product endorsements. In 
Houston, a lawyer is preparing for Dar- 
ling's trial resulting from The Notorious 
Incident in a Texas saloon. In a gym 
uptown, there is his personal-conditioning 
coach to oversee his workouts. At home, a 
manuscript awaits Darling’s labors at the 
word processor. Today every star must 
publish a book, but only Darling insists on 
writing his. 

Why is Darling doing all this? He didn't 
have to go to the restaurant every morning 
to bang on nails. He had zero restaurant 
experience and three partners who would 
have been content to have him just show 
up and look pretty once the place opened. 
He didn’t have to go to the gym four after- 
noons a week and pay a professional to 
lock him into Nautiluses and Polarises to 
pound his flesh away and then pedal off 
still more on an exercise bike that simu- 
lates hills, for crying out loud. 

Why, Ron, why? “I really wanted to go 
all out this winter to put myself in the best 
possible shape,” he says. But, Ron, the 
Mets came in first. See this gold ring with 
the shiny rock stuck in it? That means you 
won. What's the story here, Ron? Turn on 
Friday Night Videos and there you are 
introducing the Bangles. Why all the TV? 
Beats him. "Sometimes I ask myself that," 
he says. "I wonder why I do so much." 
Maybe someone else can toss us a clue 
here. Someone like Gary Carter. 

Turns out that the exuberant Mets 
catcher has his own name for Darling. 
"Hey, here's Mr. P." Carter has been 
heard to shout when Darling shows up. 
“Must be the perfect time for practice.” To 
the naked eye, his life must, indeed, seem 
perfect. At the age of 26, Ron Darling has 
everything: looks, wealth, fame, brains, 
talent, youth, three quarters of a Yale edu- 
cation, a Manhattan duplex penthouse, a 
foreign sports car, a restaurant, frequent 
offers to appear on TV and a world- 
championship ring. 

"There's also a beautiful wife. In fact, a 
model wife. In the former Toni O'Reilly, 
model and sometime actress, Darling 
found himself the perfect Mrs. P. 
Together, these aptly named Darlings 
make up a spectacular package. With the 
contrast of her red hair, blue eyes and fair 
skin against his basic dark motif, there is 
an exceptionally high incidence of over-all 
cuteness. This is an act with a future in 
showbiz. Ron's a bit stiff on camera, but 
he's learning; Toni's a natural. When they 
co-hosted Good Morning America, actress 


Susan Sullivan could not keep from blurt- 
ing, “You two are adorable!” 

Yes, Carter is on to something with that 
Mr. P. routine. Except that it implies per- 
fection achieved. Fact is, the man has a 
deep need to become perfect. Despite his 
placid, shy, withdrawn exterior, Ron Dar- 
ling is a driven man. A man who can't sit 
still. Even when he finally does get home 
and watches TV, he drives Toni batty, 
madly remoting from channel to channel 
And hc hates to lose, even if it's just a card 
game with his wife. Behind that sleepy- 
handsome face, so impassive, cool and 
controlled, a turbine roars. 

Sometimes he allows us a peck inside 
Shea Stadium. The world series. Mets vs. 
Red Sox. Darling gets the start in game 
one, and he is pumped. He pitches per- 
haps his best game of the year. His team, 
however, is in a stupor. The Mets have not 
yet recovered from their torture marathon 
with Houston for the league champion- 
ship and can muster no offense. Boston 
ekes out one unearned run on a Mets 
error; it’s enough to win 

Normally, win or lose, Darling doesn’t 
hold on to a game. But this one he had 
wanted more than any he could remem- 
ber. He pitched again twice in the series; 
overall, he did fine. So did the Mets. New 
York rejoiced; champagne flowed. But 
Darling stayed up nights obsessing over 
game one. Replaying it. Wondering what 
оп earth he could have done differently, 
thinking, I did everything perfectly and I 
still got the loss. Ron, let go! You did all 
you could! For heaven's sake, go to sleep! 

Dream about the good old days. 

Worcester, Massachusetts. The Sixties. 
Search back far enough and you find that 
every adult had a childhood. Never fails. 
Ron Darling had a fairly normal one, com- 
plete with two parents, though an exotic 
pair they are. His father, Ron Sr., is an 
orphan, raised in French Canada and 
New England. He was a fine athlete but 
turned down college scholarships to join 
the Air Force. Stationed in Hawaii, he met 
and married Luciana Mikina Aikala, of 
Hawaiian-Chinese descent. She was only 
18 when Ron was born. The couple moved 
to Worcester to raise a family. With four 
sons, both parents had to work hard. Ron 
Sr. was a machinist and worked at other 
jobs on the side. His wife, though a tiny 
woman, loaded trucks for United Parcel. 

The oldest son and namesake, Ron Jr. 
became the focus for his father’s ambi- 
tion. He was expected to do well in sports 
and in school. Every day, despite his 
heavy work load, Senior took Junior out 


back and drilled him in the sport du jour. 
Summers, it was hit 100 balls, field 100 
grounders. This is where Ron must have 
learned the lesson that he wasn’t ever 
good enough. He had to get better. 

Part of the curriculum was learning not 
to show pain. If little Ronnie got whacked 
by a bad bounce, he knew better than to 
whimper or the next one from Dad would 
come in twice as hard, Jump ahead a dec- 
ade or so and see that lesson pay off: 

Yale. (Well, of course. Would a perfec- 
tionist be content with some jock factory?) 
Somewhat bigger Ronnie is pitching. A 
scholar from East Carolina College drops 
him hard with an unstoppable smash off 
the knee. Darling limps off the field. In the 
stands, major-league baseball is watching. 
Joe Mcllvaine, then a scout for the New 
York Mets, thinks, Well, that’s the last ГИ 
see of that kid today. Darling goes back to 
the mound, takes some warm-ups and 
resumes pitching. "It really showed me 
something,” Mcllvaine says. “А lesser 
guy would have quit at that point.” 

That's our species for you. Find a pat- 
tern early and stick with it. You are what 
you were and what you'll be. No wonder 
Ron do run run. Dad fired the starting 
gun. And it wasn’t long before Ron found 
yet another endlessly demanding father to 
keep him hopping. 

Ron, meet Davey Johnson. Well, no, not 
quite yet. Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1981. As 
much as you love Old Eli, major-league 
moola is tough for a working-class kid to 
kiss off. So when the Texas Rangers draft 
you number one, you trade your senior 
year in New Haven for double-A ball in 
Tulsa; you're such hot stuff, the Rangers 
promise you'll be up to the bigs in a blink. 
Next thing you know, they trade you! 
You're stunned. You'rc depressed. All you 
can think is, Hey, this outfit picks me 
number one and now they don't want me 
at all. Don't worry, Ron. It's all gonna 
work out OK, because you're headed for 
your team of destiny and the manager you 
were born to play for. 

OK, Tidewater, Virginia, 1983. Up in 
New York, the Mets are a long-run disas- 
ter; but below, things are quietly chang- 
ing. A new management has been stocking 
the minor-league system with young tal- 
ent. Down on the farm grow Strawberry 
and Gooden. By Ron’s second year in 
Tidewater, he and his teammates believe 
they are a better team than the Mets. So 
does their supremely confident leader, 
Davey Johnson. Coach feels that he is 
building the nucleus of a new, winning 
Mets team and that its new, winning man- 
ager will be Coach himself. 

‘Johnson helped Darling a lot. As when 
he decided that the Rangers had screwed 
up Darling's natural delivery. “Have you 
always thrown overhand?” he asked dur- 
ing a game in Syracuse. Darling said no. 

(continued on page 131) 


Discoveranultra light with real flavor. 


2 0 aque 


STINS 


DAVID LEE ROTH 


(Сч Editor David Кепип met 
with the Lows Prima of rock, David 
Lee Roth, on the San Francisco leg of his 
Eat "Em and Smile" tour. In his hotel suite, 
Roth shed a safari jacket, offered some spar- 
kling water and nuts, asked his ladyfriend to 
amuse herself in the bedroom for a couple of 
hours and started talking even before the tape 
was rolling. Rensin asked их afterward, 
“What can I say about Dave that he hasn't 
already said himself?" 


PLAYBOY: You're surrounded by beautiful 
з your videos. But we wonder 
why we have never seen you socially with 
a member of the other sex. 

ROTH: What you're talking about is my pri- 
te life. I'm not a television star. This is 
not The Love Boat. Vm not in the movies 
I'm not a stand-up comic. I'm not in the 
National Enquirer unless some TV star 
gets involved in my liule piece of the 
world. So I guard my privacy—or ГІІ 
have an audience for that as well. Look, 1 
share more of what I am and what I do 
with the public than 90 percent of my col- 
leagues in the music business do. Sure, it's 
ggerated. Sure, it's in Technicolor. 
Us the way I see it and that’s the way I 
live it. But I don't believe in putting 
nonshowbiz people I'm involved with on 
the pages of mag; 


women 


Th 


ines. 
2. 


PLAYHOY: Why aren't you as press-shy as 
most big rockers? Have you ever been at a 
loss for words? 

коти: America is the only place where 
people think you're stuck up for not pro- 
moting yourself, for hiding out, like 
Prince—though if you're wearing a Day- 
Glo red-white-and-blue tuxedo and you're 


dimbing out of 
rock’s а pearlescent lim- 
ousine at the 7- 

spandex Eleven, you cant 
nr wonder why every 
whirlwind on one's looking at 


you. A lot of mu- 


showmanship, = 


ians are in- 

. articulate because 
swordsmanship they communicate 
solely with their 

and HOW Van instruments espe 
ж, cially if they've 

halen hurt his Sen me pase 14 


cars practicing an 
E chord in private. 
Гус always seen the 
press as a 
munications avenue. 


feelings 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DEBORAH FEINGDLD 


com- 


1 love to entertain people. I'm part of an 
old, old tradition—only the latest model. 
But I don't talk much about the music. I 
talk about what's around me and what I 
am and what I scc, because that lights up 
the music a little better for you when vou 
ying to get you to feel the 
way I feel for three and a half minutes. 
And when I get finished with my story, I 
have no problem disappearing. All I have 
to do is shut up. 


3 


тлувоу: Is there life without an audience? 
ROTH: I couldn't imagine it. I like show- 
and-tell time. I live for it. [Big laugh] And 
it means lots of different things. But that's 
not to say I'm always performing. I'm 
often asked if the line between David and 
Dave hasn't blurred quite a bit by now. 
Can 1 tell the dillerence? Absolutely 


4. 


PLAYBOY: OK. Lets talk Dave. Define 
Daveness. What's the difference between 
Dave and David? When is Dave too much 
for even David? When is Dave most alone? 
көтн: Daves surf. They catch a wave and 
make it look good all the way. Daves think 
five moves ahead or, at least, master the 
ability to appear to do so—which may be 
better, A Dave ys stuck with a Paul 
Shaffer—in my case, Pete Picasso. In my 
case, Dave does not have a whole lot of 
responsibility in his life, docs not have to 
worry about having his head in the clouds. 
Dave doesn't have to count past four. 
David carries the stop watch. David 
checks the gas gauge before leaving. 

Dave is too much for even David when 1 
get physically tired. I can stand my fair 
share of partying. and sometimes Í just 
go completely Babylon. But that’s in- 
tentional. All my training on the road is 
sport-speeific. | can go for miles and 
miles. I can hurl my body off a drum riser 
with regularity and still dance until dawn 
backstage. Pm one of those kids who 
always bobbed and weaved in the back of 
the classroom. I'm like a Frisbee dog who 
chases and chases until he drops. So I 
have to be really careful of that. 

Dave is most alone backstage before the 
show. It’s the quiet before the storm— 
which is why the parties generally last so long 


5 


pLavnoy: What prompted you to follow in 
the footsteps of Vikki Carr and Linda 
Ronstadt and re-record your latest album 
in S| sh? And what was the problem 
with translating the title? 


ROTH: 1 wanted to go boldly where no rock 
band had gone before. I grew up in South- 
ern California, going to schools with lots of 
Spanish-speaking kids. One of my first 
girlfriends was Mexican; the family owned 
a Mexican restaurant. My first job, when I 
was 13, was shoveling shit at a horse sta- 
ble near the Santa An race track. 
Everyone | worked with spoke Spanish. I 
speak Spanish. That stuffs close to my 
heart. On top of that, I keep hearing about 
how the United States has one of the 
world’s largest Spanish ing popula- 
tions. Гуе been up and down the highway 
a few times, so when I hear people in Cal- 
gary, Chicago and Hartford speaking 
Spanish, I begin to discern a pattern 

As for the title, in English, “Eat em and 
smile” means different things. Its sexy, 
competitive, aggressive—a sense of 
humor and worldlincss is implicd. When 
you're forced to use your imagination to 
come up with what / meant, thats poetry 
If you translate it into Spanish, it means 
only one thing—and then it’s just a 
bumper sticker. When it's too specific, it 
ain't poetry. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Every band has its method of 
spotting beautiful women from the stage 
and recruiting them for postconcert duty. 
How do you cast your net? 

ROTH: Well. this is the Eighties. We have 
matrix-coded headsets that function on 
their own crystal wave lengths. We have 
security guards, wearing these headsets, 
on either wing of the stage, crouched 
behind the monitors. And they're con- 
nected to all the guys in the pi 


which is the barricade between the stage 
and 


the audience. Its about four feet 
е, and the inside of the pit is numbered 
is. During the guitar solo, ГІ 
dance into a dark corner and say, “Beauti- 
ful blonde, red T-shirt, three feet back, 
number six.” And a guard will radio 
down into the pit, and a guy will be on his 
way. [Laughs] See, the payoll out here is 
people. Not money. We're here to make 
friends. Besides, what the fuck else can I 
write about in my songs? The hotel? The 
airports? Sure, I have my girlfriends back 
home, specific people | always go back to. 
My best mates, companions. It's till death 
do us part—or a different time z 


Te 


PLAYBOY: What do you regret most about 
your breakup with Van Halen? 

nora: [Tight-lipped stare] 1 regret most 
that Van Halen saw fit to kick me when 


ne 


121 


PLAYBOY 


122 


1 was down and they were on their way 
up. It was unnecessary and particularly 


little morons for doing it. I'm angry. 
[Paus . 1 thought Га 
the last 
e I saw Edward, we shook hands and 
we both shed a tear and said. "Hey, like 
/ band, we ing [the best of] a 
carcer difference," But two weeks later, 


I'm reading in the international press 
an asshole | am and how Edward 
had to put up with —Fm quoting— 
my bullshit for 12 years. And the band 
maintained that—even on stage—up 
until the very last show of their tour. The 

just went alter me. They told the press 
that Dave left to be a movie star. When 
the public didn't buy that, they said, 
“We threw him out to get a better singer.” 
When they didn't come up with one, they 
said there were other problems. Now, after 


wha 


“She bought her phone, he leases hi 


ik they are a bunch of 


months of this, I'm bitter. They're litle- 
time people, in a little-time band, making 
ittle-time music because of it. Spiritually, 
they're all fucked up, and that's going to 
come out in their music, their fat faces and 
their videos. In fact, they didn't make any 
videos because the people would sec it. 
And it’s all the same kind of lying and 
mindless word drool that led me to leave 
that bunch of guys in the first place. 


8. 


vivnov: Perhaps the press blew it out of 
proportion. 

ROTH: No. The press only quoted what was 
coming out of Van Halen’s little faces. But 
the press sees through it now, because 
tape does not lie. I've got a new band and 
a show, and now we sce where the spirit 
came from, where the music came from, 
where the songwriting came from. And you 
bet your ass I'm taking credit for it. 1 


That tells you 


a lot about the marriage.” 


don’t want to hear any of this crap about 
Van Halen's being number one, either. 
Most people don't understand how the 
record business works. Besides, Van 
Halen still sold millions less than the last 
time I was in the band. But I'm already 
double platinum with a new band. And 
we're over 4,000,000 internationally—and 
that doesn't even include the Spanish 
album. So fuck you, pal. I'm not going to 
wait for you or anybody else to get out of 
bed. That's why I’m here and why they 
spent only 80 or 100 days on the road last 
year. They're tired and slow. Edward 
wanted to make music that took more 
than a year in the studio and play it live 
for two months. 1 wanted to make music 
in half that time and play it twice as much 
You get to swing the bat only threc times 
and then you're out. [Grins] It’s cat-'em- 
and-smile time! 


9. 


vi BOY: What's your best memory of Van 
Halen? 

ROTH: When the band was hungry, work- 
ing to get somewhere, to make great 
records—to be great at whatever we did. 
That’s where we put our hearts, souls, 
money. The concept of buying an all- 
terrain vehicle or going on a prolonged 
vacation never entered into it. Off? How 
do you spell that? Everything that hap- 
pened while we were locked into that fast- 
forward mode is my best memory. 


10. 


pLavwoy: After leaving your old band, you 
almost made a movie. Will we ever sce it? 
What was the story? Did you want to be a 
movie star instead of a rock star? 

ROTH: | was in no way going to give up 
singing and dancing and touring and mak- 
ing albums to make movies. Ї was just 
hoping to take the videos to the big screen, 
because it would look better. It's more col- 
orful, more icing on the cake, The cake is 
music. The cake is being on stage live. The 
cake is the studio. Everythi i 
Wanna make a video? Pink icing. Wanna 
sell a T-shirt? Orange icing. Wanna make 
a movie or talk about it all in an inter- 
view? Green icing. None of these aspects is 
essential, but what's a cake without the 
icing? The story was based on all the char- 
acters and the nuts and bolts of everything 
that is Diamond Dave. Essentially, my 
evil manager, Bernie Colon [laughs]. sells 
my contract to a couple of clowns who arc 
determined to have me work six shows a 
day at Caesars Palace. Then they follow 
me on my first vacation in many, many 
years. 


‚else i: 


11. 
pıavnoy: You're known for your jungle 
trips. What do you pack, and why? 

rom: I always take books, for three rea- 
sons. First, toilet paper immediately rots 
from the jungle humidity. So you have to 
stay at least 15 to 20 pages ahead of 


yourself, because you're gonna get a bug 
and get sick. Unless you're a fast reader, 
you're gonna get ahead of the book. Sec- 
ond, personal reading enjoyment while 
you're sick. In fact, probably the only 
you'll have to read is when 
around in your hammock. Third is to read 
out loud. After the 12th hour of the 12th 
day, you just don't want to carry your 
Walkman anymore. Besides, the batteries 
are dead and everything is rotting. I 
remember in New Guinea once, we didn't 
even bother setting up tents. We'd go for 
14 hours, stop, carve a little place in 
the jungle, put up a tarp and everyone 
would camp down together like dogs 
and Australians—excuse me, abori 
[Laughs] Five or six of us, plus eight little 
guys with bones in their noses and tribal 
scarring on their faces, were under a tarp 
in the pouri 

loud to put everyone to sleep—only it was 
National Lampoows A Dirty Book, so 
everyone was laughing. And the book was 
ultimately going to a great use anyway. 
But the only bock the little guys had ever 
seen was a Bible, with a thumping mis- 
sionary attached. And they couldn't figure 
out why everyone was laughing when I 
was reading from the Bible. [Laughs] 


12. 


PLAYEOY: Alter giving away some prizes on 
the MTV Awards show, did you discover 
any TV-show-hosting ambitions? 

ROTH: Not for someone else's show. But I 
thought of one recently. We'd go on every 
Wednesday and have no specific format. 
We'd start with a Letterman-type inter- 
view, but we could always go ringside or 
show videos or just talk. And mostly we'd 
talk about what was wrong with every- 
thing. Mind you, | wouldn't critique 
somebody unless I thought he could stand 
up to it. This business is tough enough. 
We'd call the show What's Wrong [tiny 
pause] with Dave? 


rain. And I was reading out 


13. 


PLAVEOY: Are your body-hugging jump 
suits more dangerous to get into or out of? 
And while you're at it, defend Underalls. 
ROTH: The tough part is not getting into 
or out of them. It’s finding somebody 
dependable who can get down on his 
knees and suck all the air out of the сий. 
"Then you have to seal them off with a cou- 
ple of bandannas—and even then, you 
never know. I had a blowout recently in 
Seattle. I started taking air in my left leg 
about the fifth song. Rock "n' roll can be 
ugly. Ugly. It was a stage-front blowout 
and, of course, I can't carry a spare tire. 
I'd have some trouble defending Under- 
alls, counsel, because I love panty lines. 
They're the second-greatest thing Гуе 
seen in my life, the greatest being 
what's contained therein. Packaging is 
only half the battle. The people at Pills- 
ill tell you Jesus Christ, I dis- 
covered panty lines when I was seven 


bur 


M you'd like to know more about how we age our whiskey, drop us a line. 


AT JACK DANIELS DISTILLERY, moving a 
whiskey barrel uphill takes sure hands and 


strong arms. 


Richard McGee has both. And is as good at 
"reading" a barrel as he is at changing its 
location. That writing on the barreltop informs 
him how long this particular whiskey 
has been resting in the barrelhouse. 
And whether it’s sufficiently aged to 
go out in the world. They say most 
things in life don’t improve with age. 
But after a sip of Jack Daniel’s, 
you'll discover a rare exception 
to the rule. 


O 


S 


5 


ESS 


SMOOTH SIPPIN' 
TENNESSEE WHISKEY 


Tennessee Whiskey-80-90 Proof-Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery 
Lem Motlow, Proprietor, Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352 


PLAYBOY 


124 


years old, and I don't see why women 
would want to smooth that out. As for my 
jump suits, well, that's truth in packaging. 
1 can't very well write the ingredients on 
my sleeve. 


14. 


тлувоу: Suppose you've had a lunch invi- 
tation from Tipper Gore of the Parents" 
Music Resource Center. How would you 
smooth things over and sweep her off her 
feet? 

поти: Tipper Gore is not to be swept off 
her feet; she is to be contained. Besides, I 
think she has ulterior motives. Her hus- 
band, Albert, who wants to be President, 
is concurrently attacking the entire mu: 
industry, hustling to expose more payola 
and promotion scandals. They think that’s 
going to get them a big name. People like 
them come along every eight to 12 years, 
peddling this nonsensical hysteria about 
lyrics" ruining our kids. But we can't 
ignore Tipper. She's sawing away at some 
of the basic tenets of our great society. I 
don’t want to trade off my constitutional 
rights to someone who feels capable of 
censoring my reading and listening mate- 
rial. She wouldn't want me censoring hers. 
I would suggest to the record industry and 
my colleagues at large that we not play 
ostrich on this one, regardless of who is 


spearheading the latest movement. Never 
play ostrich. You know what happens to 
ostriches’ butts, 


15. 


pLaveov: How does Dave say no to drugs? 
What's your message for the youth of 
today? 

котн: Oh, 1 go through my phases, though 
certainly not the way I used to. 1 do more 
than my fair share of partying—fooling 
around with my body chemistry—just in 
terms of pure energy. Гуе gone three days 
hout sleeping, without any drugs, with- 
out any outside stimulus except sex— 
which finally wore me out. 1 guess I'm 
type A. I handle it by finding things I like 
better [than drugs]. I substitute. Sce, I 
like to throw myself around with great 
abandon, and 1 can't do that if I'm hu 
over, fat and slow. I've been fat and slow 
and know the difference. 1 love motorcy- 
cles, but I like dancing better. Maybe I'm 
not good enough to beat my addictive lit- 
de personality. I won't even approach 
that question. I just substitute. It’s a great 
way to start. 


16. 


rtavnoy: All right, about what are you still 
insecure? 
noni: I've got a big dream here to do it all. 


! 00, 


It's easy to hide behind saying the agent 
fucked up or the record company didn't do 
its job or blaming the п But Fm 
out in the open now, and it's not toy timc 
anymore, There are no auteurs in rock ^n" 
roll—though the press peddles it that 
way. When a rocket goes up 
back OK, everyone interviews the astro- 
naut. But there are 1700 guys in Houston 
who did all the major stuff. We're flying 
rockets here, and people arc waiting for us 
to fail. What makes me insecure is the pos- 
sibility that the different facets of the dit- 
ferent teams may fall apart. Or that ГИ do 
something wrong, make a bad decision 
that costs not in money but in time. And 
in carcer. 


come: 


17. 


PLAYBOY: What do you have left to prove? 

котн: That we can complicate things even 
more, that we can really twist things up. 
We want to take complete control here and 
expand. We want to set up our own tours, 
videos, recording. There are bands that 
did these things singularly. The Stones 
had a record company. Zeppelin did a 
movie. But no band did it all—and 1 
know we can. That is the rock-’n’-roll 
dream to me. This is a $1,000,000 empire 
run by Spanky and Alfalfa, Maybe by 
Huck Finn. No—the two guys Huck picks 
up on his raft. [Laughs] That’s who the 
Picasso Brothers are and where we're 
headed, and it will change some things 
in this industry. Maybe people will now 
k twice before signing everything away 
to the intermediaries. 


18. 


pLavsoy: If a brand of rock `n’ roll were 
named after you, what would it be called? 
котн: Big Rock. Big fun. Big time. Big 
sound. Big feeling on the way to the show. 
Big feeling afterward. Big videos. Big pop- 
ularity. Big money. Big mouth. Big ass 
Big tits. Big fist. Big microphone 
laugh. Big everything. Big Rock! 


19. 


PLAYBOY: When is sex the 
mind? 
konn: [Very big smile] 


20. 


PLAYBOY: You once required that the brown 
M&M’s be removed from the candy 
dishes backstage. What are your current 
idiosyn 
kora: 1 tie the right shoe first and t 
clockwise in the shower. Lucky pennies 
are heads up. And things are going just 
great. Fucking A! I used to work for a liv- 
ng. Now Гус got my ninth platinum 
album. Um not fucking around. If that’s 
all Гуе got to do to stay m this tax 
bracket, I'll tie the right shoe first for the 


rest of my life! 


ast thing on your 


n 


COMEBACKS tion page 100 


“At our best and bravest, we mimic that same refusal 
to quit, that fist-shaking Pll-show-you grit.” 


public television, he'd worked on video 
productions with some big stars, he was 
slowly building a reputation and a career. 
Then a major long-term project he had 
going with Home Box Office went into 
turnaround. In other words, it was dead 
About a month later, he found out he had 
diabetes. 

I was in L.A. around this time, and we 
drove up and down the freeways in his lit- 
tle blue MG. He was a mess. He was 36 
years old, his budding career had gone 
down the cathode tube, and he faced a 
lifetime of insulin shots, not to mention all 
the other problems, such as deteriorating 
circulation and impotence and blindness, 
that diabetics can suffer. He drove very 
fast. I remember. He didn't talk much. 
Then one cvening, while he was building a 
fire in the fireplace, he started beating the 
kindling with the poker, sending splinters 
flying all over the room. Then he walked 
out the back door and didn’t return for a 
long time. 

He fought the discase for wo years. He 
tried to lick it with dict and exercise, with 
specialist after specialist, with sheer will 
power. His weight fell to 110 pounds at 
опе point; at 6'1”, he looked like a corpse. 
Finally, he found a doctor who showed 
him how to test his own blood-sugar level 
morning to see how much, if any, 
insulin he needed that day, and that was 
the turning point that allowed him to 
bring his condition under his personal 
control. He stopped fighting the disease, 
started taking insulin as he needed it, 
regained his weight, slept through the 
night again. Then he took a neglected tal- 
ent for graphic design and turned it into a 
business. The titles on a recent TV block- 
buster miniseries were his. His business 
is booming. A year ago, he got married. 
He's spirited, happy—F m proud to have 
this guy as a friend. 

The details vary, but the struggle is 
achingly familiar. We get fired from our 
jobs or we get diabetes or we slip into 
alcoholism—and have to claw our way 
back into the light. Friends who've been 
there inspire us—but it's the people who 
have made grand public comebacks whom 
we look to for proof that even the most 
embarrassing failures need not be final. If 
nothing seems as perilous as celebrity. 


nothing is so noteworthy as that return 
from c 


lebri 


y lost, from obscurity and 


rank Sinatra's. Sinatra, who, if 
Kitty Kelley's biography His Way is to be 
believed, has got to be one of the most 
arrogant, hot-tempered, nasty stars ever 
to fall out of the American heavens, com- 
pletely messed up his life and carcer chas- 


ing Ava Gardner around the world in the 
late Forties. As Kelley reports, he was still 
married to his first wife and his open defi- 
ance of the marriage vows did not endear 
him to his dwindling public. He was losing 
his touch as a performer, furthermore; 
movies were bombing, his records weren't 
selling and his voice had a tendency to 
freeze at concert dates. He opened 
mouth but nothing came out. He was 
deeply in debt. For a while, Ava Gardner 
supported them both 

But Sinatra is no Eddie Fisher, who, 
when he was finished, was finished. 
Sinatra is nothing if not determined. He 
went after the part of Maggio in From 
Here to Eternity, Maggio being the skinny 
Italian soldier who gets killed in the knife 
fight with Fatso, the sadistic sergeant. 
Nobody thought Sinatra could act, but he 
wouldn't give up. He sent telegrams to the 
producers of the film and signed them 
“Maggio.” He tested for the part; big 
stars like Sinatra never tested for parts. He 
offered to do it for free. “Lam Maggio,” he 
said, over and over again. (Dennis Hop- 
per said the same thing, trying to get the 
part of Fr; in Blue Velvet: “1 am Frank." 
And got the part. And made a comeback.) 
In the end, Sinatra was cast and was paid 
$8000. Eight thousand dollars! He owed 
the IRS $109,000, and that was a pittance 
compared with what he had agreed to pay 
his wife to get out of the marriage. But the 
film went on to win cight Academy 
Awards. Sinatra took home best support- 
ing actor. Variety called it “the greatest 
comeback in theater history.” 

A story like that changes everybody's 
perception of the possibilities. This wasn't 
an obscure citizen wrestling with yet an- 
other job search or trying to figure out 
bow not to screw up marriages number 
two and three. This was Sinatra, in full 
public disclosure—and that must really 
jack up the pressure. Plenty of public fig- 
ures, after all, don’t make comebacks; 
they wisely retreat to the background, like 
Gerald Ford, or attempt to come back, like 
Muhammad Ali, and only make sad fools 
of themselves. But Sinatra pulled it off, 
and his ultimate triumph makes our pri- 
vate setbacks a little less daunting, less 
overwhelming. At our best and bravest, 
we mimic that same refusal to quit, that 
fiseshaking l'II-show-you grit. The how of 
itis simple—defy and persevere. Use your 
head, 100, of course: think out your 
strengths and weaknesses and plot a гса- 
sonable reach. We can't all be movie stars, 
but anybody can keep on trucking. 

It's an inspirational story, all right. It's 
also, perhaps, a litle phony. There are 
those who say that Sinatra got the role of 


Maggio not because he was gu 
determined but because certain well- 
connected buddies put the squeeze on the 
producers. That could be. Friends in high 
places help. And luck, too, plays a part 
in comebacks. Was it to the Mets’ eter- 
nal credit that Bill Buckner let Mookie 
Wilson’s easy grounder roll between his 
th game of the world se- 
us von Bülow got a second trial 
on his attempted-murder charge, but did 
he make a comeback or did he just fall 
the hands of a friendlier jury? Did Nixon 
actually plot and stage a return—or did 
he simply wait in the wings, guarding his 
health till the climate shifted, till we for- 
gave and forgot? On the other hand, let us 
not confuse moral fiber with mawkishness. 
Television is full of sentimental, slightly 
phony comeback scenarios. Retarded men 
ty outside the asylum 


struggle for 
and achieve it. Quadriplegics, with enor- 
mous effort, learn to ski again. Vietnam 


vets get their lives together after hitting 
the skids for eight or nine years. It gets 
more than a little tearful, more than a lit- 
tle tiresome. 

But we keep on watching in spite of our- 
selves. The market in comebacks contin- 
ues bullish. With good reason: This is the 
original country of the comeback. This is 
what America is for. Europe was locked 
to the rigidities of a class system; a man 
out of luck in Europe was out of luck for- 
ever. Not here. Nobody cared here what 
had happened to a man elsewhere. This 
was the country of the second chance. It 
still is. I used to live near a guy who had 
been a successful Broadway dancer; then, 
when his legs gave out, he became a 
printer and set up a printing shop. It 
failed, and he went bankrupt. He opened 
an art-supply store. That didn't do too 
well, either. When last seen, he was cheer- 
fully establishing vet another enterprise. 
It was almost laughable; like Charlie 
Chaplin, this was a man who, if you told 
him there was no food, would matter-of- 
factly make a stew of his shoes. But you 
had to respect him. Only the dauntless get 
the magic back. Yes, the Mets were ridicu- 
lously lucky, but luck and pluck frequently 
travel together. 

We need the comeback story, senti- 
mental or not. This is the country where 
Liz Taylor loses miraculous amounts of 
weight, where Bette Midler makes a virtue 
of vulgarity, where Betty Ford sobers 
up—and nobody mocks the spectacle of 
restoration; not at all, we cheer them on. 
Call no man beaten until he's dead, and 
maybe, in the land of the born-agains, not 
even then. In this, the homeland of free 
enterprise, failure and defeat require a 
tonic to get us back on our feet, back in the 
market place. Not all of us, by any means, 
have what it takes. But the possibility 
exists: Others have done it: maybe we ca 
two. We all live by th 


125 


‘fore most of us arc out of pajamas, Deborah Norville's workda 
finished. As the new anchor of NBC News at Sunrise, she rises at (wo AM, arrives at 
the midtown Manhattan studio before four and appears fresh and alert as the 


broadcast rolls at six an —actually before sunrise during the winter. For 29-year- 
old Norville, it is “the ideal job in television," allowing her to deliver news “that 
for some people is the only information they get to begin their day." It's also quite 
obviously the start of a major major-network career for Norville. Her intelligence. 
friendly Southern voice and ingenue manner have caught the attention of NBC's 
brass, who ask her to sit in on the Today show during Jane Pauley's absences. 
Norville, in fact, has always turned heads; in the late Seventies, a CBS station man- 
ager's wife saw her working as a college intern on the Atlanta PBS channel and 
tipped her husband off to her. “I think everybody hated me at the University of 
Georgia when I returned for my senior year,” Norville admits. “They were asking, 
"How did you get that job? and I didn't have an answer" Later, at 
Chicago's — WMAQ, she became a popular "anchor fo: 
as some fans called her; but she 


FABIO NOSOTT! 


quit to take over the New York 
rooster shift from Connie 
Chung, who advised her, 
"Get used to being 
tired." "Obviously, if 1 
could change any 
thing about my job, 
says Norville, 
“it would be 
the hours.” 


GEORGE LANGE 


CYNTHIA MOORE 


—AMY ENGELER 


THROUGH 
A LENS DARKLY 


Black and white and spread all over the toniest 
publications in America, the photographs of Wayne 
Maser feature libidothrobs dressed in denim. The sultry, 
scorchy scenarios he's shot for Guess? jeans during the past four years 

have expanded the parameters of print advertising and heated up controversies 
aplenty. “1I suppose | make taboos palpable," shrugs Maser, a boyish 40-year-old N 
whose possum-playing demeanor makes him seem incapable of conjuring images of swollen- 

lipped nubiles teasing truckers and mounting cow pokes. "Somehow, | author my own fantasies,” he says. 

“I mean, anything can happen outdoors—it’s real. What's funny is that people read more sex into these pictures 

than really is intended.” Hollywood, of course, is intrigued: Maser has recently shot movie posters (92 Weeks, Falal 
Attraction) and directed a Daryl Hall music video, with a slew of other offers piling up. “The interesting thing is, 
everybody seems surprised that I'm this very normal guy,” he chuckles. “I think they expect me to have a cattle pen 

126 іп my bedroom.” вц ZEHME 


HART AND SOUL 


OF ROCK 'N' ROLL 


Il the real Corey Hart please stand up? 
Is he the rock star with the spiky- 
cuteness and be v appeal who's the 
subject of so much hormonal gush from the 
teen-fan mags? Or is he the serious mus 
cian, the darling of criti 


serious trouble. 1 th 
1 v," What's not funny 
had since his first. 
al Night. 
he’s been in the upper 
ies of the charts with Never 
and / Am by You 


tent. But 


hat the bulk of my 
fans are at my shows because they love what 
I do musically. They may want to know 
about my personal life, but when I sit down 
at the piano to play a song, 1 know they re 
listening to me sing.” — MERRILL SHINDLER 


Meet Miss Goodwrench 


For the past five years, Kim LaHaie has worked 
12-hour days in an auto shop, changing rods and 
pistons, retooling crankshafts and replacing cylin- 
der walls. If that sounds prosaic, consider the fact 
that the motors she tinkers with propel the 
3000-horsepower nitro-burning dragster driven by 
her dad, racer Dick LaHaie. Car Craft has twice 
nominated her for Crew Chief of the Year, a heady 
honor, considering her age—27—and the fact that 
she's the only woman to run a top-fuel pit. Of 


course, drag racing s most notable woman, Shirley 
Muldowney, made her name behind the wheel, 
something LaHaie dreams about doing when she 
revs Daddy's hot rod before it hits the starting line. 
"We've talked a lot about my driving someday.’ 
says Kim. "It's a question of time and money. It's a 
costly thing. In these cars, you can make a mis- 
lake that costs you $20,000." О! course, with a little 
luck—and the right mechanic—you can fix those 
mistakes back at the shop. —PAMELA MARIN 


STEPHEN PUMPHREY 


BONNIE SCHIFFMAN 


NERD, INC. 


fI seem weird,” apologizes comedian Taylor Negron, “it's 
because | never fully recovered after they switched Darrins on 
Bewitched.” And while that hardly explains Negron's termi- 
nal on-stage nerdiness—when it comes to comedy, he may well be the quintessen- 
tial nerd—a glimpse of his childhood may help. “In school, 1 was the one who came 
into class wearing slacks, a retainer, a dickey and clogs—you know, the one pushing 
the projector,” he says. What's worse, he was an audio-visual nerd in Glendale, an 
L.A. suburb so dull, he claims, it “makes Burbank look like Berlin in the early Thir- 
ties." That background gives Negron plenty of on-stage fodder and hasn't hurt his 
burgeoning film career. His first and briefest role was a memorable cameo in Fast 
Times at Ridgemont High. "1I delivered pizza to Sean Penn," he remembers. “With- 
out me, there'd be no Sean Penn." Up next are two more impressive roles, one in 
Moving, with Richard Pryor, and another in Punchline, with Tom Hanks and Sally 
Field. Still, Negron, 30, insists he'll continue to work night clubs and college con- 
certs, despite filmdom's obvious benefits. "In stand-up, you have to wait backstage 
with prostitutes and drug dealers,” he observes. “In films, you can have them come 


directly to your trailer.” — DAVID SHEFF 


PLAYBOY 


128 


PA U LI NA (continued from page 66) 


“Paulina seems to recognize that the market place 
can bear a whiff of titillation.” 


sallies against the hand that feeds her: 
Modeling is stupid. (Alternately: “It 
sucks.") She hates the work. She's in it for 
the money. Beauty tips? Ask Christie 
Brinkley. There is, perhaps, something 
like a pissing contest going on here. The 
pictures featured here were photographed 
for Paulina’s 1988 calendar, her first 
Christie Brinkley has done three. Not, for 
the record, that Paulina has any ill to 
speak of her rival. not at all. On the 
contrary. I'm saying she's very smart. You 
make a lot of money giving people tips on 
how to look 

Paulina not only doesn't dispense 
beauty tips, she doesn't listen to them. 
She considers exercise boring. She smokes. 


She drinks. Sometimes she falls asleep 
with her make-up on. “If you're a model, 
you tend to be about my age,” she says, 


“and at my age, if you have one last late 
ight, it doesn't really matter. Your eyes 
are red? You can always use Visine. When 


"TI take a personal check from any Japanese ban 


Pm at an age at which 1 no longer look so 
good, obviously III no longer be able to 
model.” This is cold, indecent reality but 
not necessarily the way things ought to be. 
“Modeling would be a great business to 
get into when you're a 30-year-old wom- 
an—30 or over. By that time, you know 
where уоште going. The trouble with 
modeling is that agencies keep grabbing 
girls who are 14, 15 and 16, and they 
screw them up, and five years later, 
they're wacko.” 

Paulina, of course, can say anything she 
damned well pleases and still get paid 
$5000 a day—minimum—for slipping her 
body into and out of clothes. She gets 
away with it for the simplest of reasons: 
Whatever she puts on in the way of clothes 
and whatever she has put out in the way of 
magazine covers—Glamour, Mademoiselle, 
Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Self, Sports Illus- 
trated—sells. Far from self-destructive, 
she seems to recognize that the market 


place can bear a whiff of titillation, Even 
today, she exercises only minimal sel 
censorship. She trusts in the good will of 
others, particularly journalists, not to mis- 
understand; and if they do, she doesn't 
really give a flying hoot. 
conclusion is that she is s 
tionistic intellectually 


a model has 
to be physically. In addition to a well- 
developed impulse to shock, she also has a 
well-developed impulse to please; and in 
her case, the two work nicely together, 


nce the more she shocks, the more she 
pleases—if not everyone, ће 
sizable part of her audience with a t 
for irreverence. 

“You want something really shocking 
and outrageous to put in PLAYBOY?” she 
asks. “How about if the editors were out- 
raged and shocked by the simple truth— 
that I'm a normal girl who happens to be 
a model." 

Sure, Paulina. 


at least that 
te 


. 
Paulina Porizkova was born in 1965 in 
the Czech town of Prostöjov, and she was 
three years old when Soviet armored vehi- 
cles rolled in from the east to put an end to 
liberalism. Her father, a sometime univer- 
sity student and occasional truck driver, 
periodically in trouble with the police 
authorities, and her mother, then a secr 
tary, climbed onto a motorcycle and 
crossed to an Austrian refugee camp three 
days before the Soviets closed the border 
Then, from Sweden, where they settled 
they çe media 
campaign—the centerpiece of which was 
a hunger strike—to get their daughter out, 
too. Pictures of Paulina, then an ungainly 
child with a dumb smile, made the front 
pages of Swedish newspapers—to no 
avi In a recklessly bold rescue effort 
Swedish pilots next put Paulina’s mother, 
Anna, down at a small, little-used airfield 
close to where Paulina was living with her 
grandparents. But not even а wig, a doc- 
tored passport and cover of night were 
enough to pull this onc off. The guys in the 
trench coats had been alerted. Anna was 
arrested, jailed and, because she was preg- 
nant, finally released to house arrest. The 
relatively happy ending is that, three years 
later, the lot of them—mother, daughter 
and a little brother, Jachym, born while 
Anna was under arrest—were expelled 
unceremoniously and bidden never to 
show their faces in Czechoslo а ag. 
For Paulina, the ordeal has had last 
consequences, First, anticommunism, i 
herited, in a sense, from her father and 
mother, runs pretty deep in her. Husäk, 
the name of the current Prague front man, 
is also, she is quick to point out, the Czech 
word for goose. “A good name for him. 
she says. Glasnost? She's for it. "But who 
cares? It's about as interesting as Ra 
Gorbachev's having her American 
press card refused in New York.” 
Second, though she professes to believe 
in home and family, she doesn't really 
have a home, except where she hangs her 


Ex- 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


PLAYBOY 


130 


hat and has her piano moved in, Nowa- 
days, she travels on a Swedish passport, 
but Sweden certainly isn’t home. The five 
Swedish years were the really miserable 
ones. The family was, in fact, no sooner 
reunited than her father abandoned it and 
Paulina was left to cook and look after 
baby brother while her mother swabbed 
floors in a hospital. “ is suppos- 
edly the frecst country in the world, 
because you're allowed to be anybody or 
nything,” she says, “but people kill 
themselves because it’s so boring.” 

If Sweden isn't home, neither is Paris. 
She was invited there at the age of 15 
when a friend put some make-up on her 
and took some pictures, which found their 
nto the hands of that impresario of 
style John Casablancas, head of the stable 
of beauties that is the Elite modeling 
agency. Her success was immediate and 
Paris was nice—but yesterday. 

Even New York. the town with the big 
pay checks, the town that a girl like Pau- 
na can't aflord not to live in, is hardly 
more than a rest stop of opportunity. At 
first, she didn't 
and, of course, 
the damned place listens to Chopin!” 
she groused. "Nobody in the damned 
place reads!" To add to her essential, one 
might even say existential, homelessness, 
the house in which she had been living 
burned down four years ago. “I had 
finally set myself up,” she says. ^I had a 
little kitty, a piano, a carpet, the whole bit. 
And 1 lost it all. I was lucky to get out 


alive—me and the cat. And it kind of 


teaches you that material things are not 
that important. The next time I got an 
apartment, the first thing | bought was a 
new piano. That's one material thing that 
is very important to me. Next I got a bed. 
As long as I have a piano and a bed, I'm 
fine." 

What motivates her, she claims, is 
money. If not for the pretty things it can 
buy, then for security? "No," she says, “L 
care about money as a source of freedom. 
I care about money because it can buy 
you less wor 


The other thing that could keep Paulina 
in New York right now, the high-quality 
paydays aside, is a live-in American boy- 
friend. What she loves about him, she 
says, is everything, and she means to 
marry him as soon as possible, whatever 
that means; but his identi nd what he 
does for a living are secrets. In the past, 


she has identified him as a starving writer 


or a starving artist. To pLavuoy, she said, 
“There's no sense in my telling you what 
he does, because I'm not going to tell you 
the truth. . .. OK, he's a window washer." 
A few conclusions can be drawn about 
him, nevertheless. We know, for example, 
that Paulina doesn’t much care about 
famous men, and she also doesn’t much 
care about conventionally handsome men 
“Tom Cruise, Richard Gere, all the 
national heartthrobs, all the pretty boys 
pretty much leave me cold. They look Ii 
male models to me, and male models. 
е me about as much as baby soap. 
My ideal dream prince, whom I started 


ex 


“Do you want your filthy little carbons, sir? 


constructing as a child, has to be 
mysterious-looking, and he has to be intel- 
ligent and have a sense of humor and he 
has to read books and be passionate about 
music and art.” Asked if her friend's iden 
tity wouldn't be easy to discover simply by 
watching for the two of them at concerts 
and restaurants, she admitted, “Yes, bu 
that just shows how uninteresting | must 
really be, because no journalists have been 
hunting me down to get at my private 
life.” 

Having appeared a couple of years ago 
in the Cars’ video Drive, she has also 
recently completed а first feature film, 
Anna, which opened this past spring at the 
San Francisco Film Festival to positive 
reviews. It is expected to be distributed 
commercially in the fall. “Its a low- 
budget movie, a very low-budget mov 
and I'm quite proud of it. I play a Czech 
farm girl named Krystyna, who’s just got 
ten out of Czechoslovakia and comes to 
New York. She doesn’t speak any English, 
and the only person she even knows of 
here is this Czech actress who was very 
big in the Sixties and then got expelled. 
Krystyna tracks ber down, and then it 
becomes sort of an All About Eve story.” 
Paulina accepted the part after turning 
down numerous offers to play corpses on 
Miami Vice and naked bimbos in space. 
No second movie is in the works. 

She tries not to work more than three or 
four days a week, never evenings, never on 
weekends. “Work,” she says, “is an irra 
tional interruption of one’s private life.” 
She works, however, in pastels on canvas, 
plays Chopin on the piano, reads, takes an 
occasional stab at writing a children's 
book on the life of her cat, stays out of dis- 
cos and night clubs. 

Her two best friends are British-born 
model Joanne Russell, who appears on the 
cover of the February 1987 pLaypoy, and 
Kenyan-born model Khadija, Sometimes 
they go horseback riding in Central Park. 
They also shop and help clean one 
another's apartments and sit around i 
coffee shops, smoking cigarettes and bitch- 
ing about the business. "Being a model 
and being a girliriend isn't any diflferent 
from being a secretary and being a girl- 
friend. Girlfriends are girlfriends. We talk 
girl talk; we talk about work. What other 
chance do you have to really complain and 
say exactly what you think and not have 
anyone write it down and make headlines 
out of it? 

She was brought up as a Catholic but 
doesn't “think” Catholic, though she does 
still believe in God and occasionally likes 
to walk around in a church and maybe 
light a candle and "feel a little religious for 
about five minutes," She hasn't been to 
confession in a long time. “Are you kid- 
ding? 1 go to interviews,” she says. 
long as you're allowed to talk about yo 
self for hours and hours, you're going to 
stay completely healthy and sane.” 


[y] 


RON DARLING 


(continued from page 118) 
At Yale, he'd thrown three-quarter style. 
Johnson told him to go back to the old 
way. He did and pitched better. 

Johnson also criticized Darling a lot 
And rarely praised him. Remind you of 
anyone, Ron? In their four years together, 
the two would develop a richly rewarding 
and irritating relationship. It was inter- 
rupted slighdy at the tail end of 1983, 
when Darling was promoted to the Mets. 
For him, it was a sickening spectacle. The 
Mets were comfortably nestled in extreme 
last. “The team was a joke,” Darling says 
“No one was trying.” 

But he was. He debuted against the 
division-leading 
Phillies, and it was 
enough to unnerve 
a guy. The first 
three hitters he 
faced were Hall of 
Fame shoo-ins. He 
struck out Pete Rose 
and Joe Morgan, 
and he got Mike 
Schmidt to ground 
out. “When I 
walked back to the 
dugout,” he says, 
t was like I was 
walking on air." 

Over the winter, 
the Mets metamor- 
phosed. Johnson 
named mar 
ager. His Young 
Arms, Gooden, 
Darling and Com- 
pany, would 
become the back- 
bone of a team that 
leaped from rigor 
morlis to instant 
contention. Johnson 
nursed the Arms 
along oh, so carc- 
fully, rationing their 
innings so as never 
to overtire them 
or undermine their 
confidence. 

Johnson and Dar- 
ling also nursed along a classic prickly 
relationship. Their shouting matches— 
never held in person, only through the 
media—evoked comparisons to Rome vs. 
Carthage, Earl Weaver vs. Jim Palmer and 
other famous feuds of history. After a 
game, Johnson (a known Rolaids addict) 
might tell reporters that Darling had got- 
ten behind on so many batters, it made his 
stomach ache. Darling would read that 
and gripe that Davey never talked with his 
pitchers. Davey would read that and belch 
anew for quotation. On they'd merrily growl 

Of course, what we have here is two 
world-class perfectionists butting head: 
Good as Darling was, Johnson wanted 
him better. Fortunately, so did Darling. So 


was 


what else could happen? He got better 
The Darling who first came up to the Mets 
was that great cliché, the hard-throwing 
but wild rookie. The Darling of today 
is a finesse pitcher. "For a young man. 
that’s really quite a remarkable thing," 
says Keith Hernandez, the Mets’ saga- 
cious first baseman. “To do that in two 
years. It’s like you almost forget that he 
used to be wild at one time.” 

Johnson's problem was that Darling 
always acted like a finesse pitcher—even 
before he had finesse. Always he was try- 
ing to outsmart the hitter. “Arrrgh!” 
Johnson said one day in 1985. “I want to 
strangle him by the throat until he's 
dead!” Johnson was sick of Darling's try- 
ing to hit the corners and missing. He 


said, “Don't get fancy— just fling it down 
the middle and let your natural hop get 
the outs." Darling tried but couldn't 
always manage it. Johnson secihed. You 
couldn't fool him. That damn Yalie was 
out there thinking 

Darling worked and evolved. He still 
walks people, but not so many. He has a 
good mix. He has mastered the trendy 
pitch of the Eighties, the split-fingered 
fastball. The spliuer loves to do its 
impression of a normal fastball until the 
last millisecond, when it plunges insanely 
The batter weeps. 

Ron has thought about the parallels 
between the manager and the father 
whose back-yard drills pounded home the 


lesson so thoroughly absorbed: Gotta get 
better. He knows that Johnson scems to 
understand something about him. “Davey 
criticized me more than anyone else,” he 
said in a reflective moment. “At first 1 
took offense at it, but I think Davey did it 
only because he knew I could be a lot bet- 
ter. And he was right. He was right.” 

Thus Ronnic runs. Ran to Manhattan 
when he arrived on the Mets, unlike most 
ballplayers, who cleave to the suburbs. He 
can’t understand that. Here they have the 
chance to experience the great throbbing 
whacked-out hub of the universe and they 
hide on Long Island 

Darling couldn't wait to hit Gotham. 
Before Toni, his hunger for experience 
seemed to focus primarily on night life, at 
least according to 
the New York tab- 
loids, which pla 
him in half the 
town's clubs and 
restaurants on а 
given evening. Ron 
did enjoy life. He 
had a much- 
publicized date with 
Madonna. He made 
Cosmopolitan's list of 
the ten most eligible 
athletes. But he says 
the debauchery was 
mostly media inven- 
tion. Even so, his 
employers 
nervous enough to 
start dropping hints 
for him to cool it. 
Johnson got up to 
Speak at a promo- 
tional dinner on 
Long Island and 
began, “Pm glad 
Ron Darling has 
been able to take 
time away from the 
New York social 
scene to join us." 

Marriage con- 
ferred instant re- 
spectability. Toni 
O'Reilly, out of an 
Irish family much 
like Darling’ (lots 
of kids, little money), escaped to the U.S 
and a modeling career. Ron didn't settle 
for the shrinking, worshipful type; Toni 
likes to tease her husband and he seems to 
enjoy it. “I couldn't believe how shy he 
s," she says of their first date. 

“I couldn't believe how brash she was,” 
he shoots back. 

As he’s admittedly “not very good at 
planning evenings," Mr. Excitement 
mosdy took Toni to basketball games. 
They went out for about a year before 
they got married. Toni has faced some 
of the classic adjustment problems of 
baseball wives—loneliness when Ron is 
on the road and the fame factor, which, 
after the world series, sometimes became 


ced 


were 


131 


PLAYBOY 


132 


overwhelming. “God Almighty," she says, 
“we can't even go to Macy's or the super- 
market. People just mob him. And they 
pushing me out of the way; some girl says, 
"Can you believe he married her? God, 
she's not even pretty." ^ 

. 

With the new season approaching, Mr. 
P. had to run harder than ever. Events 
were all converging. The most dreaded 
was the trial. Darling flew to Houston to 
nally resolve his most mortifying defeat, 
the Battle of Cooter's Saloon. The head- 
lines had yowled about the four Mets 
arrested for fighting with cops in a bar. 
They were actually off-duty cops moon- 
lighting as bouncers, and the problem 
started when they objected to Tim Teufel’s 
attempt to leave with an open beer bot- 
tle—a crime in Texas. Scuflling broke out; 
Darling went to Teulel’s aid and was 
used of attacking the security men. 

From the first, Darling had insisted that 
he was innocent and hoped to go on trial 
and prove it. But there was no trial. In 
Houston, his lawyer immediately plea 
bargained the felony-assault charges into 
oblivion. Even the sentence of a year’s 
probation would be quietly quashed a 
month later as part of the deal. 

What a relief it was to be of the 
cloud that had hung over him the past half 
year. For the man who would be perfect, 
the embarrassment had been intense. 
Here's a guy who gives antidrug talks for 
the governor's task force, who visits sick 
kids in hospitals, who thinks about maybe 
going to law school after his baseball days 
or becoming a TV newsman or living in 
Europe, and now people must figure he's 
some lo goon who brawls in bars. 
What he'd wanted lor his public image 
was a Guy with Class! Oh, well. His 
public-relations man was working on it; 
but at least, Ron consoled himself, the 
people close to him knew the truth. “They 


monster." 
lorida for a brief 


know I'm not this crazy 
Ron and Toni flew to 


vacation before spring training. Then Ron 
flew right back to New York. Time for 
what he called his arbitrary hearing. It 


was his second in a row, and he was 
annoyed. For three years, he'd been over- 
shadowed by the Wunderkind Dwight 
Gooden. If Ron was Mr. P., Dwight was 
Dr. K., and before his spring drug test, at 
least, he appeared to be of a higher order. 
So for Gooden, the Mets always went all 
out to negotiate a nice, friendly contract 
settlement; for him, Darling felt, they'd 
dig in and virtually dare him to try the 
crap shoot that is arbitration. His first 
time, asking for $615,000, he had lost. 
"This time, asking for $1,050,000, he won. 

Ron Jr. called Worcester to tell Ron 
Sr. that he had a millionaire son. This had 
scemed like an exhilarating thought; but 
then, when he made the call, it didn't 
seem so great “My father worked his 
back off for 30 years,” Ron says. “He 
won't carn $1,000,000 in his lifetime. It 
seemed the height of something fanciful, 
almost frivolous. 

In the midst of all the other chaos, the 
restaurant opened. The place pulled a big 
downtown lunch crowd, and one of the 
main reasons sat at a table and worked 
hard at playing host. Dressed in modish 
black, with a tiny diamond stud i 
car lobe, Darling obliged a stream of 
handshakers and autograph hounds. “Гуе 
got butterflies in my stomach,” he said. 
“Tt doesn’t make any sense. You know, 1 
can pitch in front of 50,000 people, but I 
don’t like to be in big crowds and I don't. 
like to be the locus of attention.” 

Still, competitor that he is, Darling goes 
forth to slay the butterflies. He puts him- 
sel'in situations where he draws attention, 
and he handles them with apparent confi- 
dence. He docs have an extroverted side 
that peeps out now and then—like when 


it’s silly time at the ball park and in the 
midst of some gang of pranksters perpe- 


Then, 
again. “You 
on," says 


trating a hotfoot, there is Dar 
suddenly, he’s the cool lon 
never know which phase 
Hernandez. ^He can be very distant or 
al guy.” 

g loves the game. It’s the sanctu- 
у hich he can shut out all worldly 
distractions, unleash his laserlike concen- 
tration and shoot for the Big P. But when 
the game ends (unless it's a world-series 
loss by onc uncamed run), it is folded up 
and put away. Off duty, Darling wants to 
hear no baseball talk, hang with no base- 
ball players. “1 do not take my work 
home,” he says. “We do not talk about 
baseball. Ever.” It’s important for Dar- 
ling to think of himself as a well-rounded 
person, not just Joe Jock. It’s also impor- 
tant for him to assert his individuality 
inst the forced conformities of team 
So subtle little symbols of independ- 
ence sometimes appear . . . such as that 
tiny carring of his 


. 
St. Petersburg. Finally, the Darlings 
managed a few idyllic days in the sun 


together before training camp. Toni loved 
lolling on the beach. Ron was bored. So 
was Tyler Christian Darling, im utero. 
What, lic around till April? Forget it. The 
kid rushed into the world three weeks 
carly. There could be no doubt that this 
was the son of Ron Darling. Run, Ty, run! 

So with the baby on the scene and his 
court appearance behind him, it was time 
for . .. baseball! Ron was in the best shape 
of his life. Hed always had this problem 
with no-decisions; he'd get pulled out of a 
game ahead or tied and not get the win 
What can a pitcher do? That's baseball, 
right? Not if you're Mr. P. “Make me awe- 
some," he'd ordered his conditioner. The 
goal had been more stamina. Don't tire as 
quickly and stay in longer. You control 
your own fate. That was the plan. 

Florida has dutifully provided the 
required supply of sun, palm trees, gentle 
breezes and sea gulls. Huge crowds belly 
into the flimsy fences guarding the Mets’ 
practice fields, adequate when the team’s 
down but now bursting with 
Ron Darling works to Gary 
Carter with a fluid grace. He’s back in the 
back yard, striving, as always, to do it bet- 
ter. The sweet old rhythm of pitch and 
catch thrums out as Darling throws and 
Carter plays Dad. “Get that movement,” 
arter says. "That's all I'm concerned 
about right now.” 

“Uhhh,” Darling says. Whump! 

“Don't come across the body.” 
Uhhh." Whump! 

“Good! That's it, right there.” 

“Uhhh.” Whump! 

“Let it out!” 

The ball comes harder. A new scason 
means a new chance for perfection. Mr. P. 


iria again, 


SEN YEN BABBO 


(continued from page 106) 
the idea came to me for a hero of my very 
own 

"Samson," I told Reverend Don after 
the match that night, while I waited for 
the angry mob that wanted to kill me to 
disperse. 

He raised an eyebrow 
resembled a woolly-bear caterpillar, 
“And a horde of Philistines?” he inquired. 

“One Philistine. Phil the Philistine.” 


that closely 


“Phil the Fornicating Philistine!” he 
amended. 
1 nodded graciously. “Whatever. But 


the gimmick is that instead of beating him 
with the jawbone of an ass, Samson rips off 
the Philistines jaw- 
bone. 

“His jaw- 
bone?" Reverend 
Don's wide and 
atery eyes glit- 
tered, and he 
stroked his blocky 
and clean-shaven 
chin. “His jaw- 
bone,” he repeated 
thoughtfully. “TI 
have to ask for 
divine guidance on 
that one. And find 
out if eyberpros can 
rig it up." He shook 
his head. “Jawbone. 
Sometimes, Harry, 
n spite of all your 
sins, I think thc 
Lord touches you 
with divine inspira- 
tion!” 

Maybe so, but 
the Reverend Di 


didn’t touch me 
with ine 
funding alter he 
used my He 
атон, 
and yours truly 
found the slob to 
play Phil the 
Philistine—an ex- 
jock — jaw-cancer 
patient who was 


only too glad to trade a night in the r 

for a state-of-the-art job of reconstructive 

cybernetic surgery. Everyone made out 

like a bandit except Harry the Here 
. 

So the months passed, months of scul- 
fling and hustling, of being the lackey of 
Reverend Don and the nemesis of good, 
. wrestling-loving Christians 
ywhere, months of disguises and sub- 
1 being lynched by those 
same good Bornies. It was a lifestyle that 1 
feared would go on as long as I survived. 
But that was before Reverend Don found 
the Hammer of Christ and 1 found Sen 
Yen Babbo. 

The Hammer, like Samsor 


terfi 


was my 


Amaretto di Jac 


56 proof ©1987, Imported by The PaddinctaniGaraeration; 


idea, Reverend Don's imagination had 
never extended to using a cyberpros limb 
on a good guy, and when I made the su 
gestion, hoping against hope that ће 
would let me be the one to find and man- 
age the newest servant of Yahweh, his eyes 
lit up as quickly as my hopes dimmed. I 
could tell that he thought it was a great 
idea—an inspired idea—and that he 
would never entrust it to me. 

I was right. He didn’t, Within three 
days, he had found the Hammer the 
guise of a wrestler at Colorado State. 
The kid was a senior and a glorious mon- 
ster, with a face like a horny angel's. He 
was also а Bornie, all six feet eight inches 
and 300 pounds of him. Fifiy pounds, 
however, were soon happily sacrificed for 


a cyberpros r m, a perfect match for 
the left, natural one, right down to hair, 
moles and the tiniest pores. It slotted 
smoothly into the articular capsule, where 
it moved eflörtlessiy and without the 
creaking noises that my own age-wei 
shoulders make 

At first, the Hammer was simple, trust 
ing and enthusiastic. He didn't scem sur- 
prised to learn that the blood, sweat, toil 
and tears were all an act and didn't care, 
since the subterfuge was, in his words, 
“truly justified since it doth magnify the 
Lord.” He spoke in italics, too—the Rev- 
crend Don influence. The kid was so nice, 
in fact, that 1 was afraid he was going to 
blow his first match. 


SARONNO | 


1122. NJ Photo: Ken Nahoum 


The crowd was getting dulled out, as 
my man, Bad Battlin’ Beelzebub, wasn't 
supposed to give the Hammer the works 
until after the sixth commercial. Beelz 
bub was doing all right, roaring and curs: 
ing and slamming the Hammer with an 
occasional forearm to get out of the cor- 
ners, but the kid didn't seem as if his heart 
was in it. 

I stood at ringside, making sorc 
gestures, yelling to the kid that his mom 
sacrificed to Baal, trying to get him to 
show a little zip, all to no avail. But, as we 
were to learn, the kid needed no urging. 
He'd been setting us up—us and the 
whole booing crowd 

Finally it was timc. Beelzebub made a 
move that was amazingly slick for a man 
of his girth and age 
and had the kid's 
right arm wrenched 


up behind his back, 


TOUS 


pressing the hand 
and wrist ever 
higher, until they 
touched the kid's 


neck. Not once did 
the kid's face dis- 
the pain that it 


Е pla 
would have caused 
anyone with a real 
right arm. 
Now the crowd 


started to quiet 
down, so that all 
10,000 of them 
heard the sharp and 
heart-stopping crack 
that the cyberpros 
arm made as it split 
way from the 
shoulder in a rush of 
blood and d " 
meat 
The 
gasped 


crowd 
Even 1 
gasped. Beelzebub 
laughed in prema- 
ture triumph and 
held the dripping 
arm above his head 
with both hands, 
shouting, "Satanas! 
Satanas!" which 
endeared him not at 
all to the shocked throng, who now started 
to buzz in a definitely menacing undercur- 
rent. and I wondered if we had gone toc 
аг. Alter all, this had never happened 
before. Not Elijah nor Solomon nor Daniel 
nor any of the good guys had eve 
much as a pinkie, and here we were rip- 
ping off an entire arm. 1 felt the blood 
leave my face as I looked around at all the 
dream-shatiered Bornies apportioning 
their anger between me and Beelzebub, 
whose demoniac mirth had begun to be 
replaced by fear 

And then the Hammer of Christ made 
his move, Through all of Beclz 
celebratory posturing, the F 
not winced nor cried aloud. He merely 


lost so 


133 


PLAYBOY 


134 


stood, his face stony, his shoulder reser- 
voir pumping a steadily diminishing sup- 
ply of blood onto the ring floor. Now he 
slowly turned and fixed Beelzebub with an 
icy glare 

I will never forget that moment—the 
feel of the flop sweat sticking my sorcerous 
robe to my flesh, the mixed smells of body 
odor, popcorn and spilled grape juice, the 
sound of 10,000 drawn breaths—and, 
most of all, the look of deity on that young, 
beautiful and human face. 

In utter silence, thc Hammer of Christ 
walked the few steps to his adversary and, 
with one swift move, ripped the cyberpros 
arm from his hairy hands, raised it over 
his head like a maul and brought it down 
on the head of Beelzebub, driving him to 
the floor of the ring as brutally as Charl- 
ton Heston smashed the Golden Galf in 
The Ten Commandments 

The crowd loved it. They yelled and 
screamed and stomped and cheered and 
stood up and threw their programs 
and popcorn boxes and hats and coats and 
Bibles in the air, then picked up what had 
come down on their heads and threw it up 
again. And all the time, the Hammer of 
Christ kept whomping that cyberpros 
arm—all 50 pounds of it —down upon the 


unconscious head and body of my boy 
Beelzebub, that fat, flabby, dumb 50- 
year-old widower who had just wanted to 
make enough money in this onc night to 
move to Florida. It was wrong, all wrong 
It had been planned, of course, for the 
Hammer to take the arm and strike down 
his opponent—but with a pulled blow. 
One blow—a fake one—not the deadly 
storm of them that the Hammer was rain- 
ng down. 

I couldn't do a thing. If the Hammer of 
Christ didn't lambaste me, the crowd 
would. I could only watch as the Hammer 
of Christ, the bastard whose sweet face 
had fooled all of us there in different ways, 
beat an ex-pug named Billy Petrossian to 
death while thousands cheered. 

At last he stopped, held up the arm for 
all to see and pressed it back to his shoul- 
der, guiding it skillfully in a move he had 
rehearsed for weeks, slotting it so that all 
those little circuits joined, all the little 
brain waves zipped and zapped and took 
that dead, ripped-off arm straight up over 
his head, where a false and bloody fist 
clenched in holy, inholistic victory 

б 

Тһе Hammer and Reverend Don found 

me sitting beside Petrossian’s still form 


“Apparently, Jefferson didn't say a word 
about drug testing." 


when they came into the dressing room 
ten minutes later. The medicos had left. 
They were fakes, of course, and de 
scared them. Reverend Don had a thin 
smile on his full face, like a little boy who's 
won a game by cheating but is happy he's 
won just the same. The F looked 
ecstatic. “He's dead," I told them. “You 
Hed him." 

The Hammer shook his head. “I'm only 
His instrument. It was the Lord that 
brought down destruction." 

“It was you that brought down the 
arm!" 

“I was filled with His spirit” 

I couldn't believe it. "It's a game, you 
moron! It's a fake, a show, a fraud! None 
of it’s real; it’s not supposed to be real!" 

Reverend Don smiled, fully now. “We 
grieve along with you for the loss of our 
brother here, Harry, but you must 
remember he died in the service of Christ 
and is so ensured of a place among the 
saints." 

“A place... you mean that's it?" 1 
looked from onc face to the other. “That's 
all there is? Billy Petrossian dies, no 


sweat? And thc Hammer lives to kill 
another day?” 

“The Hammer,” Reverend Don 
toned, “is the greatest bles: 


cal wrestling has ever seen. He will win 
more souls to Christ by showing the power 
of the Lord than any servant of Christ in 
this sorry century.” 

“But . . - you've got a dead man here!” 

“Zealousness in defense of the truc and 
good is no crime. The death of this man is 
a pity, true, and it shall not happen 
again"—he gave the Hammer a sidelong 
glance—“but the ministry of the Hammer 
of C must not be stopped by an unfor- 
tunate accident.” 

Т grabbed Reverend Don and hustled 
him into the hallway, away from the Ham- 
mer. "Accident? That was no accident- 
that kid loved it. It wasn't necessary, 
at all! He's a killer, Don!” 

“Not with peace but with a sword,” 
Reverend Don reminded mc. 

I shook my head to try and understand. 
“You're going to wrestle this kid again? 
You're going to sce he gets off” 

He shrugged. "An accident. One we 
can avoid in the future. ГЇЇ keep him 
under tighter control, and you find some 
foes of Christ with tougher skulls.” 

. 

Reverend Don was serious, and he did 
what he said. There was an inquiry, but 
the Hammer was exonerated in full, wres- 
tling being a “high risk" profession. It was 
not a surprising decision, as Reverend 
Don's influence reached high. I almost 
quit, but I didn't 

Instead, I did as Reverend Don had 
said and searched for hard skulls. I found 
them at the rate of one a week. It was cas- 
icr, since they didn't have to undergo c 
berprossing. Ob, sure, when they found 
out they had to wrestle the Hammer of 
Christ, some of them balked. But Reverend 


о! 


Don kept the Hammer in check, and none 
of my boys was hurt too badly, except for 
the one who caught a concussion when he 
didn't twist his head at the right moment. 

Still, I could see that urge in the Ham- 
mer, and I feared he would go over that 
thin edge again. For all his self-professed 
piety, he was no Christian but a pagan 
gladiator, and what I had foolishly mis- 
taken for deity in his face had been an 
angelically pure blood lust 

. 

I came across Sen Yen Babbo in a dirty 
little gym in Pueblo that looked as if it had 
tried to be a health spa and failed. The 
free weights looked well used, while Nau- 
tilus machines rusted in the corners. 
There were no beautiful people there, just 
a bunch of aging 
fighters, a few 
flabby bodybuilders 
d some young 
Turks punishing 
punching bags. 1 
saw no onc with the 
physical oddities 
that Reverend Don 
thought made for 
good villains and 
was just about to 
leave when Sen Yen 
Babbo walked in. 

He was the oldest 
man there, proba- 
bly in his mid-50s 
He was wearing a 
Gold's Gym T- 
with so many holes 
that one saw more 
flesh than cotton, 
and that flesh was 
unpleasant to bi 
hold. It was yel 
low in color, made 
a muddy ocher by 
the matted covering 
of gray-brown body 
hair that sprouted 
through the holes in 
the T-shirt. His 
bald head looked as 
though it 
made of spong 
pped together 
with papier-maché 
The nose had been broken times beyond 
counting, and the cars belonged on a rel- 
ish tray. He was short and bandy-legged, 
and his stomach hung al inches over 
the sagging waistband of his gym shorts. 
In short, he was a perfect match for the 
beautiful, godly, diabolical Hammer of 
Christ. 

1 walked over to where 
bench pressing a bar with an absurdly 
large number of iron plates on it. “How 
asked him. He di 
That's sure a lot of weigh 


2828 


OR 


AS 


were 


he'd begun 


nt 
1 
“My 


you doing?" 1 


respond 


observed. He still didn't answer. 
in 


He dropped the bar bell into the sup- 


name's Harry," I tried ay 


ports and looked at me. “Sen Yen Babbo,” 
he said. 1 must have looked blank, for he 
went on immediately, “That's m’ name.” 
Sen Yen Babbo turned out to be 
extremely talkative for a man who didn’t 
talk well, He possessed a host of impedi- 
ments, all of them acquired from his 
varied carcer. Thirty-plus years of prize 
fighting, professional wrestling and just 
plain roughhonsing with his peers had 
shattered his jaw, scattered his teeth and 
cleft his palate until he was left with the 
barely distinguishable slur of a stroke vic- 
tim. Still, before long, I was able to make 
out most of the words and found him 
astute enough to comprehend the merits of 
y offer 
“Wan' me ta rassle this Hammer guy." 


lm OE АСЕ oS 


i di Kid Creole 


bythe r роп ‚Corporation, Fort Lee, NJ Photo, Ken Мойт. / 
1 


I nodded. “He's not very nice. He'll hit 
you hard. You have a tough skull? 

He laughed, an unpleasant, gargling 
sound. “Touch "t," he grunted, lowering 
his head so that the bald pate faced me 
like a small boulder. I felt, delicately, and 
found a slightly yielding top layer and. 
beneath, a hard, calcified something. “Scar 
tisha,” he said proudly. "Е ya can't bus" 
it open, va can’t hur’ me.” 

"Did anyone ever bust it open?" 

“Нат” 

“Well, the Hammer might 

"Leddim 

Sen Yen Babbo didn't seem averse to 
losing. He'd lost plenty of times when he 
was a pro wrestler back in the Eighties 


“Think they ledda guy look like me win? 
Naah, I lose alla time, know howda lose 
good." 

The agreement was made, and I took 
Sen Yen Babbo to see Reverend Don. 
The holy man loved Sen Yen Babbo, his 
face, his body, his manner, everything 
about him but his name. “Sen Yen Babbo? 
Nonsense, well call him the Beast, after 
the beast in the Book of Revelation.” 

"Sen Yen Babbo," answered Sen Yen 
Babbo. 

Pardon?" said Reverend Don. 
Sen Yen Babbo.” answered Sen Yen 
Babbo again 

“I think," I tried to expla “that he 
wants to use the name Sen Yen Babbo.” 
Sen Yen Babbo nodded. “Sen Yen Bab- 

zu Бо," he repeated 

“But but it 
doesn't mean any- 
thing; what does it 
mean?” 

"Means те" 
clarified Sen Yen 
Babbo. 

The VideoGuide 
listed the match as 
the Hammer of 
Christ us. Sen Yen 
Babbo. 

The night of the 
match, we went over 
the procedures one 
more time. Sen Yen 
Babbo had prac- 
ticed with the Ham- 
mer all week, and I 
thought he was 
ready. Still, there 
was a lack of preci- 
sion about him that 
made me edgy. I 
wanted him to 
remember every- 
thing that was sup- 
posed to happen, 
because I didn't 
want him hurt. 

“After the third 
commercial break," 
I told him again, "is 
when you go for the 
right arm. It'll come 
off easy. 1 don't 
w when he'll grab it back from you— 
he milks that like crazy. But when he 
does, be ready for the blow and go with it. 
Don't let him hit you head on, because if 
he sees he's really hurt you, well, some- 
thing might snap and he might rcally bang 
you up." 

Sen Yen Babbo lool 
“Wha 
huh?” 

SI just don’t want anybody to get hurt” 

"This Hammer guy, he killed that 
"' I nodded. “Боп” you 
worry about me. That Petrossian, he had 
a soft head." When he grinned at me, I 
was glad he liked me. “You good guy. Don" 


A 


Y, 
/ 
" / 


ed at me oddly. 
you so worried about me for, 


Petrossian, din’ he: 


135 


PLAYBOY 


ight.” 
Yen Babbo 


gly enough, 


was right. 
. 

The evening began — auspiciously 
enough. The mob hurled imprecations 
and a number of popcorn boxes at Sen 
Yen Babbo and myseli we entered the 
arena. І was accustomed to it, and it 
didn't bother him. As he climbed into the 
ring, a juice bottle bounced off his head, 
but he gavc no indication of its presence. 
Seeing that made me feel better. He strode 
immediately to the middle of the ring and 
twirled about with a body not built for 
twirling. The long red robe wafted out- 
ward like a film of blood, and he roared a 
guttural challenge to the world at large. 
"Then he spat at the audience. 

‘That was a new one on me and a new 
one on the audience as well. To be spat 
upon was bad enough, but to be spat upon 
by ancient, evil, repulsive Sen Yen Babbo 
was something clsc entirely. The first 
three rows stood en masse and moved to- 
ward the ring in a wave. But Sen Yen Bab- 
bo swirled around again and roared and 
stilled the waters as quickly as Jesus ever 
had. Then he laughed and shouted as clear- 


ly as he could, “Bring me the Christian.” 

I was terrified. My previous wrestlers 
had bullied and blustered but had never 
spat, and no one had ever called for a 
Christian in that blasphemous tone of 
voice. It was fast becoming a nasty crowd. 

As loudly as they had reviled Sen Yen 
Babbo, all the more loudly did they cheer 
the Hammer of Christ as he entered the 
arena. "Ham-mer, Ham-mer, Ham-mer!” 
rang the chant as the Scourge of God 
vaulted over the ropes and landed with a 
deft bounce. Here was a man who dis- 
dained twirling. He simply strode to the 
center of the ring, smiled a closed-mouth 
smile and raised his cyberpros right arm, 
fist clenched, showing the happy people 
the Hammer of the Hammer. 

They cheered and continued to cheer, 
and I whispered to Sen Yen Babho, 
“Third comme 

He nodded. *"Fhir commersh’.” 

The ring announcements, alternately 
laudatory and condemnatory, were made 
by Reverend Don, who locked crisp and 
clean and holy in a white-silk suit. The 
Hammer preened, Sen Yen Babbo snarled 
and the bell rang. 

It was a good show. The Hammer 


“I hope you're into foreplay.” 


leaped and pirouetted and turned, pu 
ing and being punished with grace and 
style. And Sen Yen Babbo was magr 
cent in his own right, biting and clawing 
and gouging with such artistry that had I 
not known it was all spurious, I would 
have been easily convinced that real may- 
hem was occurring. And every ch: 1 
got, I whispered sotto voce to Sen Yen 
Babbo, “Third commercial? and he 
would nod and mumble, “Thir 
commersh’.” 

At last the time had come. Reverend 
Don had plugged the latest evangelical- 
wrestling viddiscs for the thi and 
we were back to meat slapping meat. Now 
Sen Yen Babbo broke the Hammer's full 
nelson, spun, grasped the Hammer of 
Christ by the wrist and wrenched with all 
his strength. The arm went taut, snapped 
and Sen Yen Babbo wrenched again, as 
though trying to tear that last bit of gristle 
that tenaciously holds the drumstick to the 
rest of the Thanksgiving turkey, 

‘The drumstick snapped off in a rush of 
blood, and Sen Yen Babbo held over his 
head, like some grisly trophy, the left arm 
of the Hammer of Christ. 

Leftarm? 

Whoops. 


б 

I suppose I had thought everything was 
all right because the Hammer had not 
screamed. He had never screamed before, 
since screaming was not consistent with 
his miraculous aura. But the reason he 
didn’t scream now was that he had fainted 
dead away from pain and shock. Reverend 
Don walked, trembling, to where the 
Hammer lay, oblivious to the pumping 
blood that was staining his ice-cream suit. 
Sen Yen Babbo still stood, the arm above 
his head, apparently waiting to have it 
snatched from his hand and get conked on 
the head with it. All this time, the crowd 
was deathly still. 

At last Sen Yen Babbo turned impa- 
tiently and saw Reverend Don bending 
over the Hammer, saw how pale the Ham- 
mer was where he wasn't splashed with 
red and saw how pale Reverend Don was 
às well. It was enough to give Sen Yen 
Babbo pause and make him examine the 
grisly relic he held. A cursory glance at the 
strips of muscle and ligament dangling 
from the shoulder joint told him some- 
thing was awry, and he then did the only 
thing that he apparently felt he could do 
under the circumstances. Clinging desper- 
ately to the now-aborted scenario, he 
attempted to knock himself unconscious 
with the arm, since it didn't look as 
though the Hammer of Christ was going 
to be able to in the near future. 

The attempt was unsuccessful. The arm 
bent limply at the elbow and flopped over 
Sen Yen Babbo's shoulder. He dropped it 
and looked at me in dismay. 

. 

I could give him no consolation, for I 

knew that we were doomed. The crowd's 


stunned silence had ceased, and a low, 
turbulent roar was slowly growing. In 
another moment they would be upon u: 
destroying both the slayer and the mar 
ager who had been responsible for the 
destruction of their hero. Even now they 
were rising, shoulders hunched forward, 
eyes burning with the zealous fire of divin 
retribution. I started to pray. 

And the prayer was answered. A voic 
spoke out that could be heard in each cor- 
ner of the arena. 

“Six-six-six!” 

At first I thought it was God but 
quickly realized it was Reverend Don on 
his mike 
The mark of the beast! Here on his 
head! Hidden in his hair! The sign of the 
Antichrist!” 

I realized several things at once then. 1 
realized that it was the Hammer's head 
Reverend Don was referring to and not 
Sen Yen Babbo's, since Sen Yen Babbo 
had no hair; and I realized, too, that no 
wrestler for God, in the six years in which 
evangclical wrestling flourished, had ever 
lost a match. And Reverend Don did not 
intend a wrestler for God to start now. Ifa 
wrestler for God lost, then he could be no 
wrestler for God. Reverend Don was a 
man who knew how to cut his losses. 

“The Hammer of Christ? No, my 
friends—rather the Hammer of the Anti- 
christ" He called to the medicos. 
“Remove this pestilence from our sight! 


They rushed into the ring, threw the 
unconscious and possibly dead Hammer 
onto the stretcher and dashed out. 

“And here.” Reverend Don went on, 
pointing to Sen Yen Babbo, “is God's 
instrument! As the Lord Jesus converted 
Saul the sinner to Paul the saint, so he has 
converted this sinner to his truth! No 
longer shall this man be Sen Yen Babbo, 
but he shall be Paul the Convert! And as 
such he shall battle for the Lord and smite 
the heads of the simmers! 1 almost 
expected Sen Yen Babbo to decline the 
ne change but he seemed to г 
the gravity of the situation 


and 
accepted the new appellation with good 


ize 


сс. 

Then Т came to my last realization— 
that if I did not join in quickly, the train 
that was bound for glory and riches would 
without me 
Hallelujah!” 1 cried in letters as italic 
as I could squeeze from a fear-parched 
throat, leaping into the ring and embrac- 
ing first Sen Yen Babbo and a confused 
Reverend Don, whose microphone I took 
easily. “I have seen the light at last! 
Through my unwitting guidance has this 
man Paul defeated a minion of Satan!“ 

“M? manager!” Sen Yen Babbo grunted 
into the mila 

"Hallelujah! The manager of Paul the 
Convert! Born again—as are we all—to 
manage this man against the forces of evil! 
‘To join hands with Reverend Don and rid 


this good world of the sin and the vermin 
that corrupt it!” 

I grinned at the man in the strawberry- 
ice-cream suit, and handed him back his 
mike. “Right, Don?" I asked him, and he 
nodded dully as the crowd screamed their 
delight at the saving of the souls of Sen 
Yen Babbo and Harry the Heretic. 

. 

There's not much else to tell. The Ham- 
mer lived, which was more than he 
deserved, and sued Reverend Don when 
he wouldn't buy him a second eyberpros 
m. The Hammer lost, of course. You just 
don't sue Reverend Don in Colorado. Paul 
the Convert became, as everyone knows, 
the most beloved wrestler since Hulk 
Hogan, and I've managed him ever s 


се, 


along with the rest of the Apostles, the 
hottest tag team in the business. They're а 
good bunch, with a lot less violence and a 


lot more showmanship, which seems to be 
the direction in which evangeli 
tling is going 

One more thing. I found out from one of 
the Apostles that Sen Yen Babbo was a 
good friend of Billy Petrossian, the pug the 
Hammer killed in his first match. Maybe, 
despite the childish ignorance he conveys 
on The 700 Club, Sen Yen Babbo isn't 
quite as punchy as I gave him credit for 
being. 

The Lord works i 
blunders to perform 


El 


al wres- 


mysterious ways His 


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137 


PLAYBOY 


138 


GA MBLING (continued from page 64) 


“If you regularly lose $20,000, casino owners will 
gladly send a car or plane to get you.” 


M of the downtown casinos also 
have installed the most entertaining slot 
machine ever invented, the Sigma Derby. 
As many as ten players sit around a 
mechanical race track, feed in coins, bet 
on one-two combinations of the five run- 
ners and then watch little plastic horses 
contest one of thousands of variations on 
races. Players root for their tiny Secretas 
ats, and the whole thing is a lot more con- 
genial than waiting for little pieces of fruit 
to appear in the slot-machine windows. 

One real edge the Strip holds over 
downtown is in providing plush surround- 
ings for sports and race betting. Cacsars 
Palace has the world's best off-track- 
betting parlor, a high-tech room with 
giantscreen live telecasts from major 
tracks. The Stardust has a similar room, a 
bit dowdier but also livelier. A lot of sports 
bettors congregate in those two places to 
watch satellite telecasts of football games 
from around the country. In every major 
casino, there is a sports book that will take 
bets on virtually anything that moves. 
Sharpies shop from casino to casino for 
the best odds and point spreads. 

Playing poker in Las Vegas for serious 
money should be left to the professionals, 
who wait hungrily to pick the bones of 
tourists who arrive expecting to repeat 
their success in kitchen-table games back 
home. The pros are content to put in eight 


hours a day, play only one in 20 hands and 
grind out a profit, and many play as secret 
partners or as shills for the house. Ama- 
teurs should stick to the low-limit games 
and play "em close to the chest. 

(Draw poker, incidentally, is legal 
some Southern California towns, but play 
ing the big poker rooms there is extremely 
unpleasant. Those places have all the 
ambience of a high school gymnasium, 
and the players are a scary bunch of hus- 
tlers who are not above stealing a chip 
from your stack if you turn your back.) 

Taking children to Las Vegas, or ex- 
pecting to improve one’s health while in 
town, seems to contradict the spirit of the 
place. For those who insist, the Las Vegas 
Hilton is strong in both areas. The Hilton, 
which is just off the Strip and is one of the 
world's largest hotels, with more than 
3100 rooms, offers extensive supervised 
youth activities and even separate dormi- 
tories in which to pack away the kids while 
the folks are losing their college-tuition 
money at the tables. The sprawling spa 
area is well equipped, and even the disso- 
lute can enjoy the ten-dollar oxygen pep- 
up offered to weary gamblers. 

А 

The rest of the Nevada gambling scene 
consists of Lake Tahoe, Reno and some 
smaller pit stops, such as Henderson and 
Carson Of those, only Lake Tahoe is 


“Sorry, Eldon, I won't do it unless you use a condom!” 


worth a visit, and then only for those who 
want some alpine scenery mixed with 
their gambling. The betting rules throug! 
out northern Nevada are unfavorable to 
the blackjack player, and other games are 
limited, as is the choice and variety of casi- 
nos. In Lake Tahoe, C s has the best 
casino and hotel, with many of the rooms 
providing huge circular tubs for those 
ntent on reliving the of 
the latter Roman Empire. 

Northern Nevada, despite its limita 
ns, is paradise compared with Atlantic 
City, a living civics lesson in why ca: 
gambling should probably not be legalized 
anywhere else in the country. Since the 
first casino opened ther 1978, the 
place has been a disaster for virtually 
everyone except the fabulously successful 
casino operators. Crime and housing costs 
have soared, dri 


g out many residents, 
and few of the promised benefits that 
wooed New Jersey voters to approve casi- 
nos in a 1976 referendum have paid off. 

Atlantic City, an hour from Philadel- 
phia, two and a half hours from New York 
City and within 200 miles of 20,000,000 
Americans, is in essence a huge slum with 
ten palaces towering above it. While the 
famous boardwalk has a certain tacky sca- 
side charm during daylight in the summer, 
the rest of the town is a frightening and 
gloomy ghetto that should not be navi- 
gated on foot at any hour. 

The philosophy on which Las Vegas 
was built, and which survives there down- 
town, is to make everything attractively 
inexpensive so that people will gamble at 
your casino. In Las Vegas, parking is usu- 
ally free, rooms fetch reasonable rates and 
meals are outrageously cheap. In Adantic 
City, the prevailing attitude is “Gouge the 
customers at every turn." Rooms start at 
$90 a night in most places, food prices are 
similarly inflated and posted parking rates 
are as high as ten dollars for 12 hours. 

Casinos everywhere thrive on the busi- 
ness of high rollers, most of whom are 
extremely inept gamblers who like the feel 
of betting big bucks, cither because their 
jobs provide no opportunities for risk tak- 
g or because they are self-destructive 
individuals. Any bettor who buys in for 
$10,000 or more in the course of a v 
command a range of perks from meals to a 
n air fare. Generous guys, 
those casino owners: If you regularly lose 
$20,000, they will gladly send a car or 


it can 


suite and ev 


Any ying for more than sp: 
change in the slot machines should ask the 
nearest casino pit boss to validate his 
parking stub, wl without hesi- 
tation. Anyone who plays for a while at 
more than $15 a hand can command at 
least a free meal in the coffee shop. Nov- 
ices, though, should beware of seduction 
by frecbi me that once led to 
tory’s most expensive 


ich is dom 


On my first trip to Las Vegas ten years 


M Alive with pleasure! 


Me N minu 
After all, 
if smoking isn’t a pleasure, 
why bother? 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


PLAYBOY 


140 


HIGH ROLLERS 


Las Vegas may be tacky; it may be 
inhabited by polyester pod people. The 
noise from the slots may cause brain 
damage. But it’s still the one place 
you'll find serious high rollers, gam- 
blers who, in the words of gambling 
writer Howard Schwartz, play “with a 
bank roll that has a comma after the 
first number." They're attracted to 
Vegas by more than the desert air—not 
only do many of the major hotels and. 
casinos woo big spenders with free 
room and board (and, for those who 
establish a credit line of $20,000 or 
more, free air fare and a suite of rooms 
fit for Liz Taylor) but the more adven- 
turous gaming rules make winning, or 
losing, large amounts of money easier 
than at a race track or in Atlantic City. 

You'll rarely see a true high roller at 
the race track. High rollers like to be 
treated like royalty, and race tracks 
charge admission; in fact, they charge 
for everything from parking to beer. 
The track's share and taxes take a 
quick 17 to 21 percent out of every dol- 
lar that is wagered. And pari-mutuel 
betting—in which money is put in a 
pool so that bettors are actually betting 
against one another—works agains 
those with a large amount of cash to 
wager. Putting too much money on a 
horse can significantly lower the odds, 
so that you'll make less money if you 
win. In some cases, such as a Pick-Six 
payoff, the track will even do the Goy- 
ernment the favor of deducting your 
taxes on the spot. Serious horse players 
place their bets with bookies, and it's 
not unknown for a big spender to take 
his bookie to the track, whispering bets 
into his ear, rather than take the short 
but less profitable walk to the pari- 
mutuel windoy 

In Atlantic City, the Spartan ameni- 
ties and more stringent credit restric- 
tions inhibit the professional gambler. 
"That's not the case in Las Vegas, where 
the red carpet is waiting. At Caesars 
Palace, for instance, those of us with a 
mere few hundred to squander play at 
kjack tables with tiny Formica 
that read BEITING LIMITS AT THIS 
TABLE $5 TO $500; but for the high roller, 
the figures are a bit different. “Our 
it is $25,000 in blackjack and craps, 
$100,000 baccarat and $500 on a 
single roulette number,” says Dan 
Reichartz, president and С.О.О. of 
Caesars, adding, perhaps needlessly, 
“These are not limits we would extend 
to every player.” 

And in Vegas, betting action is not 
ited to the casinos, “Our sports 
book has a $10,000 limit on college 


football games and a $20,000 limit on 
pro football,” says Reichartz. "In 
championship prize fights, we are flex- 
ible. On the Hagler-Lconard bout, we 
were taking some very high action—in 
the five-figure category." 

Of course, there are those who feel 
hemmed in even by those generous lim- 
its. Binion's Horseshoe on Fremont 
Street in downtown Las Vegas occa- 
sionally waives the limits—any limits 

It is also the site of the World Series 
of Poker. The climax of the event is a 
four-day no-limit-hold-'em game in 
which the buy-in is $10,000 and the 
winner usually walks away with at least 
$500,000. Over at the Golden Nugget, 
you may find such poker greats as 
Doyle "Texas Dolly" Brunson, Jack 
“Treetop” Straus, “Amarillo Slim" 
Preston and Johnny Moss sitting 
around a pot of $50,000 or more. 

Those aren't stakes for amateurs, to 
be sure, but the high roller gencrally 
follows his own path. A sophisticated 
blackjack player, for instance, would 
not want to play at a club with suppos- 
edly easy odds (which may not favor a 
smart gambler). And the pros gravitate 
to a different type of hotel as well, 
partly because of the fantastic ameni- 
ties offered to big spenders, partly 
because the flexible house limits make 
gambling more lucrative. 

Caesars Palace leads the list of the 
so-called Fabulous Four hotels favored 
by serious players. While some find 
its rococo extravagance florid, bei 
comped one of the Olympic Tower 
suites (complete with four bedrooms— 
two with mirrored ceilings over the 
bed—and an indoor whirlpool with a 
floor-to-ceiling window overlooking the 
Vegas Strip) is not a bad way to relax 
while doing some high-limit gaming. 
Another favorite is the Desert Inn 
Hotel & Casino. Its luscious grounds 
make it easy to forget you're actually in 
Vegas, and it’s also the only major 
Strip hotel/casino with a professional- 
tournament-class golf course. 

The Golden Nugget is the only 
downtown hotel that can compete with 
the luxuries of the Strip, as well 2s pro- 
vide the excitement of high-stakes 
poker. Outside Vegas, high rollers are 
most likely to visit Harrah’s Lake 
‘Tahoe, one of the few U.S. hotels to 
carry both the A.A.A. 5-Diamond cita- 
tion and thc Mol 
Harrah's is the ideal place to combine 
the excitement of high rolling at the 
tables with the pleasures of fishing, ski- 
ing, golfing and hiking, while inhaling 
pure, pine-scented air. 

In other words, it’s a sure bet. 

'AURICE ZOLOTOW 


il 5-Star award. 


ago, | was playing $25 bla 
Union Plaza Hotel and Casino on a morn- 
ing so slow that I was the biggest bettor in 
the pit. A bored casino floorman began 
stroking me, lighting my cigarettes, giving 
me tips on what to do in town and telling 
me to be sure to let him know if I wanted 
to get something to eat when I was done 
playing. Flattered by the attention, I felt 
slightly obliged to keep playing at a table 
where the cards were running badly and 
had run through all but $100 of a $1500 
buy-in when I finally had the sense to give 
it a rest. The floorman, friendlier than 
ever, rushed over and gave me a chit for 
the coffee shop. Frustrated and furious 
with myself, 1 tried to get some of my 
losses back by searching for the most 
expensive thing on the menu. So I got a 
free $12 crab-meat-and-gruyére-cheese 
sandwich that cost me only $1400. And it 
asn't even any good. 

The typical Atlantic City player, 
though, is a day tripper and a low roller, 
giving the city an additionally cheap and 
desperate feeling. In Las Vegas or Lake 
Tahoe, almost everyone has a hotel room 
to go back to, some strolling and sight- 
seeing to do and a set number of days over 
which to budget a gambling bank roll. In 
Atlantic City, people are always checking 
their watches and betting more than they 
should in their last few minutes before 
heading home. 

Atlantic City offers far less gambling 
variety than Nevada, without poker, keno 
or sports- and race-book betting on the 
menu, While the rules concerning double 
odds are favorable for those who insist on 
playing craps, a game of pure chance that 
demands no skill and offers no long-term 
chance of beating the house, blackjacl 
played with six or eight decks out ofa shoe 
practically everywhere and pairs cannot 
be resplit, a bad deal for the player. 

If one must go to Atlantic City, as even 
I must two or three times a year when 
the blackjack demon's call proves irresist- 
ible, the best bet is Bally's Park Place. 
(Yes, the properties in Monopoly really 
arc named after Adantic City streets all 
the way down to Mediterranean and Bal- 
tic avenues.) Bally's, alone among the 12 
superstructures, keeps the slot machines 
decently separated from the gaming ta- 
bles, offering some relief from the noisy 
machines and their yapping players. 
Bally's is darker, quieter and generally 
more civilized than its counterparts, and 
the personnel seem a tad friendlier. The 
irony here is that Bally is the world’s larg- 
est manufacturer of slot machines, which 
would figure to make its casino the noisi- 
est one-armed-bandit joint anywhere; but 
the opposite is truc. 

Bally's has the advantage of being cen- 
trally located among the ten casinos on the 
boardwalk and within walking distance of 
some of them. The two casinos off the 
boardwalk, Harrah's Marina and the 


wi 


When ESCORT wa 


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While car makers talk about horsepower, 
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Rashid rejection too 

Of course, there's more to detection 
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The warning must be real. No false alarms. 


RADAR 
Figure 1: A digital spectrum analyzer: 
of K band can't see the difference be 


RASHID 
anning the entire width 
¡een radar and Rashid. 


When the FCC cleared the Rashid VRSS 
collision warning system for operation on K 


band, there was no known way to distinguish 
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Power-ON LED 
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Signal Strength 
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Highway/ Cy 
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ESCORT also provides separate warning 
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Character reference 

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ESCORT 


RADAR WARNING RECEIVER 
A 


Cincinnati Microwave 
Department 10787 

One Microwave Plaza 
Cincinnati, Ohio 45249-9502 


© 1987 Cincinnati Microwave, Inc. 


PLAYBOY 


142 


Trump Castle, are a few miles away on а 
marina in what promoters call the other 
Atlantic City. True, they are somewhat 
less crowded, but their isolation from the 
city’s lone attraction, the boardwalk, 
makes them unappealing. 

. 


The best place to gamble in Atlantic 
City is six miles from the nearest casino, at 
Atlantic City Race Course. It is not a par- 
ticularly attractive track and the racing is 
generally second-class, but the fact that 
the game is horse racing and not craps, 
roulette or blackjack makes it a winner. 

A quick way to win a bar bet is to chal- 
lenge the nearest sucker to name Ameri- 
ca's most popular sport over the past 
decade. Give him three guesses. Profes- 
sional basketball isn't even close, pro- 
fessional football is warmer and 
major-league baseball runs a strong sec- 
ond. But the winner on paid attendance 
seven out of the past ten years is horse 
racing. The figures are somewhat phony, 
though, because a hard-core of daily race- 
goers runs up the turnstile count whil 
casual fans grow scarcer each year. The 
two main reasons are that racing remains 
largely absent from network-television 
exposure, and that the game carries an 
outdated stigma of disreputability. A race 
track, in the eyes of many Americans, is a 
place where your unemployed brother-in- 
law goes to hang out with creepy old guys 
and criminals, with a few rich cretins sit- 
ting in the box seats. 

In fact, while horse racing may no 


longer be the sport of kin; 
of choice among most profe 
blers, bettors who relish an 
challenge and players who enjo 
thetics along with their action. And while 
a cheerfully larcenous spirit is close to 
the heart of the game’s appeal, race tracks 
are uniformly safe and honest enterprises. 

The pleasure of betting on races, rather 
than on cards or dice, is the challenge and 
exhilaration of smoking out a winner. 
Fans are betting against one another, not 
against the house. There is a sense of tri- 
umph on choosing the right horse that is 
absent in the casino. The winning black- 
jack, craps or slot player has merely been 
sitting in the right place at the right time. 

There are two or more tracks in virtu- 
ally every major city in the country, 
except in those states, mostly in the South, 
that piously ban the sport because they 
prefer to keep gambling illegal. There are 
two types of racing: thoroughbred racing, 
the more popular kind, with jockeys riding 
sleek and fast horses, and harness racing, 
in which horses of a different breed pull 
little carts and drivers while trotting or 
pacing at a slower gait. Most thorough- 
bred racing is conducted during the day, 
and the big wheels roll at night. 

The ideal thoroughbred track combines 
the best of zoos, botanical gardens and 
parks with the most challenging gambling 
around and a sport that is unrivaled for 
color, drama and pageantry. The most 
important racing in the country takes 
place in New York, Southern California 


a 


= 


"She's out there somewhere, Charley. A girl with a 
sense of humor, a kind heart and a love for life. A smart, 
funny, tolerant, courageous girl with big tits." 


ıd south Florida, and those states have 
the nation's most splendid track: 

The time to go racing in Florida is in the 
Season, the first three months of the 
when the action is at either бии 
Park, north of Miami, or Hialeah Park 
in the heart of that city. Hialeah, the 
aforementioned scene of the $96,000 miss, 
was modeled on Longchamps in France 
but is far more attractive. The place reeks 
of tropical decadence at its best. Gulf- 
stream, sleeker and more prosperous, 
lacks Hialeah's lushness but is still a 
lovely place to win or lose. 

In California, Hollywood Park, near 
Los Angeles International Airport, is con- 
venient but hardly worth seeing. An hour 
north, though, is Santa Anita Park, at the 
foot of the San Gabriel Mountains with a 
majestic backdrop and an architecturally 
appealing Spanish facade. Stargazers 
should hit the Turf Club, where the likes. 
of Fred Astaire, Walter Matthau and Dick 
Van Patten regularly shovel their salaries 
through the pari-mutucl windows. 

New York, home of the nation’s best 
racing by a neck over California's, offers 
tracks that are open year round. Stay away 
from November through April, when 
dreary Aqueduct in Ozone Park, Queens, 
is playing. But Belmont Park, which oper- 
ates the rest of the year except for August, 
is stately and grand, physically the 
nation's biggest track at onc and a half 
miles around and a monument to good 
taste and simple elegance. 
tors to New York City may be 
tempted to visit one of the 100 or so green- 
and-white Off: Track Betting shops around 
town, but they should resist. O.T.B. is a 
civic fiasco and a raw deal for bettors, 
offering lower payoffs than either tracks or 
bookmakers pay out and doin 
shabby and unpleasant surroundings. 

Just about everyone involved in New 
York racing spends the year waiting for 
August to roll around, because then the 
action moves for four weeks to Saratoga 
Springs, 150 miles north of New York 
City. What ensues is a four-week p. 
a postcard-pretty small town th 
alive with glitter and raffishness and the 
classiest month of racing in the sport. The 
track, a wooden relic, has the feel of a 
county fair, with wholesome food and 
questionable hot tips being hawked with 
gusto behind the stands. In the mornings, 
the best horses in the world gallop 
through the dawn mist as waiters serve 
local melons and bei 

The racing, besides attracting the top 
horses from around the country, varies 
more than anywhere else, making it an 

i challenge for the regulars and 
a primer of the sport for the novices. Races 
are run at many distances, grass racing is 
plentiful and there are even steeplechase 
races. This is also the meeting where the 
most bluc-blooded and highly touted 


so in 


comes 


] { 


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PLAYBOY 


144 


two-year-olds are cracked out for their 
debuts, offering a preview of thc following 
springs Triple Crown races. California 
has its own version of Saratoga, a summer 
mecting at the Del Mar Thoroughbred 
Club near San Diego. The racing is not 
quite as good and the atmosphere 
nowhere ncar as electric, but the track is 
an attractive one and the ocean breezes 
are soothing. Every day after the last race, 
fans are serenaded with a recording of 
Bing Crosby crooning Where the Surf 
Meets the Turf. 

Some of the nation’s best-known tracks 
and races should be avoided like a slow 
horse with a bum ankle. Chief among 
those is the Kentucky Derby at Churchill 
Downs, a delight mainly for undergradu- 
ates who like to sit in the infield, swill and 
regurgitate beer and hold up signs exhort- 
ing female passers-by to SHOW US YOUR TITS. 
For horsemen in the business, rich folk 
who can afford thc ncarly $4000 tables in 
the clubhouse and television viewers, it is 
a great race, the culmination of months of 
drama and speculation. For the rest of the 
public, it is an afternoon with all the 
charm of crawling through a commodities 
trading pit. The betting lines are impossi- 


bly long and it is difficult to see the races. 
In addition, onc or two of those Derby-day 
races often have the suspicious look of lo- 
cal sharpies' putting a few good things over 
on the unsophisticated crowd. Those dying 
to experience the legendary mint julep 
should skip the trip and try tasting the 
combination ofsix spoons ofsugar ina glass 
of bad bourbon. Stir with a stick of mint 
gum. Keep a spittoon and a chaser handy 

Probably the worst place to bet on 
horses in North America is Keeneland, the 
Lexington, Kentucky, track that is dear to 
the hearts of the nation’s tony owners and 
breeders. Running only three weeks in the 
spring and fall, it functions largely as a 
social event for the arca's horse gentry, 
who maintain a clubhouse that is truly a 
private club, with the public barred. 
Operating under the slogan “Racing as it 
was meant to be,” Keeneland fulfills its 
self-appointed role as a guardian of tra 
tion by offering no public-address system, 
no race caller and no cxotic bets such as 
the trifecta or the Pick-Six. Add to this 
Kentucky's generally high-handed treat- 
ment of the horse player and Keeneland 
becomes a horse player's nightmare. This 


“How nice to see you again, Dr. Schmidt. 
Гое been waiting to ask you what, exactly, was in that 


last presc 


plion you gave me.” 


is really a pity, because the track itself is 
pretty and the quality of horseflesh high 

"The success of the Adantic City casinos 
has forced several race tracks in the North- 
cast to close in recent years, but the shut- 
g of such dingy plants as Bowie and 
nonium in Maryland was no loss. 
Track operators have finally realized that 
they must make their plants modern and 
somewhat competitive with the glitz of the 
casinos. Three tracks in particular deserve 
an A for effort and are worth sceing 

Garden State Park in Cherry Hill, New 
Jersey, just outside Philadelphia, is an 
ultramodern plant with a unique glassed- 
in paddock and the swankiest restaurant 
of any track in the country. It is largely 
modeled on Meadowlands, across the Hud- 
son River from Manhattan. Meadowlands 
is probably the best night out in all of 
horse racing, with superior restaurants 
and, for the first eight months of the year, 
the richest and classiest harness racing in 
the country. 

Laurel Race Course, outside Baltimore, 
was a dump for years; but under new own- 
ership, it has opened the most sophisti- 
cated gambling facility at any track in the 
world: The Sports Palace, a horse player's 
toy store. A bank of video-cassette players 
allows a bettor to sec a tape of any race 
run at the track in the past six months, 
and a computer system with 12 terminals 
lets a horse player research sophisticated 
statistical data about horses, trainers and 
jockeys. The Palace also features several 
huge television screens showing races and 
major sporting events around the count 
and there is even a continuous ticker 
play of the latest sports results from 
around the country. Of course, betting on 
football games is illegal outside Nevada, 
but people have been known to get down a 
bet regardless. 


. 

If winning the bar bet on America's 
number-one spectator sport seemed casy, 
here's one that’s a license to steal: Ask a 
mark, "What is 
spectator sport?” It’s not horse racing this 
time, and the Bruins, Celtics or Red Sox 
won't win the drink. The answer is that 
Boston has gone to the dogs. 

Greyhound racing, legal in just 15 states 
but fabulously successful in New England, 
Florida and pockets of the West, may be 
America’s most invisible gambling suc- 


Boston's number-one 


cess. Mention of the sport unfairly con- 
jures up images of dogfighting or 
cockfighting and stirs memories of the 


hilarious lead story on the inaugural ¢ 
sode of ABC-TV's 20/20 a decade ago: 
Geraldo Rivera went undercover amid 
much intrigue to yield a searing exposé on 
the burning issue of whether or not racing 
dogs are trained to hunt down jack rab- 
bits. The sports visibility has further suf- 
fered because of concerted lobbying by the 


KING OF BEERS». 


] EN QUE DUM 
ESAT 
| AX 

а але СВ 


BUDWEISER& + KING OF BEERSO » ANHEUSER BUSCH INC. «ST. LOUIS 


PLAYBOY 


146 


The Best and Worst Places to Gamble in Ame 


WHAT AND WHERE 
NEVADA CASINOS 


ATLANTIC CITY 


HORSE RACING 


DOG RACING 


OFF-TRACK 
BETTING 
POKER 


CASINOS: 
ACTION 


opps 


PERSONNEL 


CLIENTELE 


ATMOSPHERE 


HORSERACING: 


QUALITY 
HORSES 


QUALITY 
HORSE PLAYERS 


JOCKEYS 


BETTING 


ATMOSPHERE 


OTHER GAMES: 
RACING DOGS 


JAI ALAI 


SPORTS & 
RACE BOOKS 


SLOT MACHINES 


BEST 


The Las Vegas Club hos the 
best rules and the friendliest 
staff and surroundings. 


Bally's Park Place is a haven 
of restraint in Hell Town. 


Tie: Hialeah Park in Miami is a 
soothing tropical paradise; 
Saratoga in Upsiate New York 
hos the best racing. 


The Hollywood Greyhound 
Track, just north of Miami, hos 
the spart’s classiest faci 
and fastest dawgs. 


Caesars Palace in Las Vegas is 
о high-tech dream for horse 
players. 

The Golden Nugget in Los 
Vegas has the most options and 
action. 


WINNERS 


Binion's Horseshoe in down- 
tawn Vegas for noisy, two- 
fisted whooping it up. 
The Las Vegas Club has the 
world’s best blackjack odds. 
Double-dawn heaven. 
Bob Stupak’s Vegas World hos 
the best deal in town: Far $396, 
you get $1000 in betting action, 
plus о room for twa night: 
Bally's Park Place in Atlantic 
ity actually permits employees 
to Behave like human beings. 
The slickest weasels and high- 
est rollers just can’t help going 
la Caesars Palace. 
The Las Vegas Golden Nugget 


is so tastefully decorated, you 
won't believe you're in Vegas. 


WINNERS 


Saratoga in Augus is where all 
the gaad anes end up. 


Only the brave of heart ond 
bank roll can survive the winter 
meeting at Aqueduct. 


Ai Santa Anita ond Hollywood 
Park, the riders are sa good 
that Bill Shoemaker is o liability 
оп your horse. 


The cowboys and crazies who 
fill Oaklawn Park hate to bet 
fovorites: big prices on cinches 


Hialeah Park makes Miami 
Vice Іосі as if it's shot in black 
and white. 


WINNERS 


The pups ot Derby Lane in St. 

Petersburg, Hollywood Grey- 
hound Track, near Miomi, ond 
Wanderland 


outside Bos- 
кажа io na c e non 


Seen one, seen 'em oll. 


The Stardust and Caesars in 
Las Vegos are more fun than o 
corner baokie—high tech all 
the way. 


The ones right near the doors 
їо the casino showrooms. Set ta 
pay off frequenily to make 
gamblers out of farmers wait- 
ing ta see Wayne Newton. 


WORST 


Bally’s Los Vegas Grand is 
cold, joyless and forbidding, 
with a staff to match. 


Del Webb's Claridge is a study 
in depression and desperation. 


Keeneland in Lexington, Ken- 
tucky, is the darling af monied 
breeders but an ill-equipped 
insult to the horse player. 


Green Mountain Race Track, 
on the New York-Vermont bor- 
der, attracts few bettors; the 
‘odds are poor, the atmosphere 
depressing 

Any New York City O.T.B. Par- 
lor, where patrons gel low pay- 
offs in shabby storefronts. 


Keep an eye on your chips ot 
ту othe dismal poker clubs 


rn California. 


LOSERS 


Bally's Las Vegas on the Strip. 
and Harrah's Marine in Atlan- 
tic City make nice mousoleums. 
Anyone ing blackjack in 
Pure uc Ferd 
‘arrested for stupidity. 


The computerized Comp Card 
at the Claridge in Atlantic City 
Play for ten years and you may 
get о free sandwich. 


Union Plaza in Las Vegas 
employees failed the niceness 
test at callection agencies. 


Zombie Bus People can't stoy 
away from A.C/s first and 
worst, Resorts International. 


The Atlantic City Golden Nug- 


is a noisy eyesare, making 
RUE EE e 


LOSERS 


Horses you thought had died о 
decode ago are still running at 
Penn National. 


The Northern New Jerseyans of 

Meadowlands came to eat and 

ploy lucky numbers and have 
yel to learn which end of the 
iorse eals. 


The champion jockey in Lovisi- 
ana is the one who spends the 
fewest days a year testifying 
before grand juries in race- 
fixing cases. 

The good al’ breeders who 
watch their pets run al 
Keeneland don't mind taking 
short odds on a sure thing. 


Churchill Downs on Derby Day 
isa vibrant, swirling crush of 
humanity sort of hike heil. 


LOSERS 


Running o! the Arizona avals 
shouldn't happen ta a dog, but 
it does if it can't make it any- 
where else. 


Seen one, seen one too many. 


Belting al an O.1.B. shop in 
New York City is anly slightly 
less pleasant thon waiting in 
line far an unemployment 
check. 


The ones in the Las Vegas and 
Reno airports. Five more bucks 
won't gel уси even for a week 
atthe crop table, and you'll 
need it for carfare home. 


horse-racing industry, which has good 
rcason to want dog racing suppressed: In 
every head-to-head clash between the two 
forms of gambling, dog racing has come 
out the м 
game is extremely appealing. Be- 
yond the presence of man’s best friend, the 
races are short, quick and easy to follow 
over a small track. There are no jockeys 
whose motives can be questioned, and the 
dogs show and hold steady form by racing 
twice a week. There are only a hand- 
ful of professional dog bettors, because the 
betting pools at most tracks are too small 
to exploit and there are few opportunities 
for a major coup. But the game is readily 
accessible to the first-time or casual fan. 

The world’s best-named race track 
where Bostonians bet the dogs: Wonde 
land Park in Revere. (Actually, Wonder- 
land ties for best name with Phoenix 
thoroughbred track: Turf Paradise.) Top 
dogs flock to Wonderland in the summer- 
time, and the track is a lot nicer than its 
thoroughbred cousin down the road, 
Suffolk Downs. 

‘There are dog tracks in Key West and up 
and down both Florida coasts, and most 
of them are surprisingly appealing. Derby 
Lanc in St. Petersburg is particularly nice, 
and the Sanford-Orlando Kennel Club. 
ncar Orlando is a perfect antidote to a day 
at Disney World or Epcot 

"The very best place to play the pups is 
the Hollywood Greyhound Traci Hol- 
Iv wood, Florida, north of Miami and just 
up the road from Gulfstrcam Park. The 
best dogs in the country head south for the 
winter meeting and rich stake races from 
Christmas through il. Many dog 
tracks are cramped and rickety, but Hol- 
lywood is palatial by comparison and has 
two snappy restaurants specializing 
stone crabs and Key-lime pie 

On the night of the $96,000 near miss at 
aleah, Hollywood Greyhound Track 
was the logical place to recover—cn 


er. 


> 


ab restaurant didn't 
have to bring the menu 

"The usual vodka martini, shrimp 
cocktail, stone crabs and Key-lime pic, 
Mr. C.?" she asked, making me feel like a 
Ilion bucks, give or take $96,000. The 
sting of the day's losses was gone now, sof- 
tened by the surre 
pect of 13 dog races to come. The sleck 
and tawny greyhounds would run their 
hearts out for me, and I would be the Lord 
of the Races again. A tower of $100 chips 
in the blackjack pits of Atlantic City could 
not have been as soothing. 

1 was happy and serene without ha 
cashed a bet, a gambler's ultimate vict 
"The lesson + Of course it matters 
whether you win or lose, but not as much 
as where vou play the game. 


El 


ndings and the pro 


c 


Enjoy all the privileges and VIP treatment normally 


given only to Las Vegas ‘high rollers’ with this virtually 


Yuu be glad you waited 
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BENEFITS PER COUPLE 

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*$1000.007 55. 


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August 11, 1987 


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action $1100) for responding before 
August 6, 1987. 


TO ACCEPT 


Bot Stupaks 


VEEAS@ WORLD 


Act before August 11, 1987 
Vacation auytime before Jauuary 18, 1989 
PRIVILEGES AND PROVISIONS 


|. Valid seven days a week until January 16, 1969 except weekends 


of major holidays. Reservations can be made now or later, but all 
reservations must be made at least 20 days before arrival 


. A reservation fee of $198 per person (total $396) must be 


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MONEY BACK GUARANTEE — We guarantee you reservations 
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in full. 


. RESERVATIONS — No Thursday or Saturday arrivals. Resched- 


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one you choose. 

Transportation and any other individual expenses are not 
luded. 


j. Terms and conditions may in no way be altered. So we may 


adequately plan room availability, you must act before August 
11, 1987. 
FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO ORDER BY PHONE 


CALL TOLL FREE. 1 M 4-6301 
24 HOURS A DAY 


THIS INVITATION 
aredeemable reservation 
fee of $198 per person is 
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PLAYBOY 


148 


RALLIES & RESURRECTIONS 
BUSHNELL (continued from page 102) 


percent of my time. But I believed the pro- 
fessional management Га put in at Pizza 
"Time was adcquatc. In three months, the 
company went [rom profits to major 
loss 

“1 used to think I was very lucky. In the 
summer of 1983, my sailboat won the 
"Transpac, one of the oldest yacht races in 
the world. We came into Hawaii first, past 
Waikiki Beach with spinnakers flying, out- 
running powerboats. With airplanes and 
helicopters flying overhead, I stepped onto 
the dock and faced 2000 people and the 
news media and thought, Shit, this is great! 
But from the minute 1 stepped onto that 
dock, it was like my luck was all used up 

“The boat lost its keel while being fer- 
ried back to California and Pizza Time 
started down the tubes. I thought, I can 
control everything else, but not my luck, 
and when it's gone, it's gone. 

“Well, you can control luck. Once 
you've used it up, you do three things: 
work hard to replace it, do good works for 
your fellow man or, if that fails, sacrifice a 
virgin. I'm kidding about the last one. 
During the fall of 1983, I would sit in my 
office on dark, rainy days and just stare 
out the window, trying to figure out what 
to do. About five months alter 1 left Pizza 
Time, it went into Chapter 11 

“In the summer of 1984, I spent a 
month at my house in Paris, asking 
myself, "What's next, big boy? The expe- 
rience of going from Wunderkind to goat 
showed me that if you're a part-time quar- 
terback, some full-time quarterback is 
going to kick your head in. I figured that 
I'd been done in by a lack of focus, so I 
decided to concentrate on clectronics and 
toys. And then an Inc. maga: y 
suggested that I knew how to start compa- 
nies but couldn't run them. That not only 
pissed me off, it made me say, ‘Well, ГИ 
show the bastards.” 


TARTIKOFE  (coninued from page 101) 

“I was reading the overnight ratings, 
and it looked bad. Га be up early Satur- 
day morning calling the first person to 
reach the oflice in New York and find we'd 
had a 15 share for Friday, and on Sunday 
Га find we'd had only an 18 for Saturday. 
Each time, it was like a big punch in the 
mid-section. 

“The point is, I was in trouble 
November and we needed a show for 
Monday night at eight o'clock, where we 
were getting a 16 share. The normal 
of gestation from a concept to a program is. 
five months, and 1 had to bail myself out 
in five weeks. At that point, I was just this 
short of using snuff movies. Well, I'm not 
that immoral, but I was a desperate man. 
brought Dick Clark and John 
McMahon from Carson Production 
together in my office and married them 
a civil ceremony and got a program—T V's 
Bloopers and Practical Jokes —that could go 
on the air five weeks later. And we also 


m 


(continued from page 101) 


had another new detective show for Tues- 
day nights called Riptide. 

“Riptide solidified Tuesday and helped 
give us the first winning night we'd had in 
more than two years. By the end of the 
season, Bloopers averaged a 30 share, 
which doubled our ratings in that time 
slot. I was like a quarterback scrambling 
around, throwing to the opposite end of 
the field and getting a completion 

“I used to watch Kenny Stabler at the 
height of his game with the Oakland Raid- 
ers. He'd know that when his team was 
behind and there was 1:58 left on the 
clock, he could get them down the field, 
because he'd been there before, Well, no 
matter what kind of programing straits 1 
get into, ] know the drill to get out of it.” 


CHARLES SCHWAB 
Broker on the Rebound 

Charles Schwab, as head of a high- 
performance mutual fund called Investment. 
Indicators, suffered a humiliating defeat at 
the hands of the Securities and Exchange 
Commission, leaving him $100,000 in debt. 
But he survived to become the Ray Kroc of 
discount stockbrokers, providing cheap, fast 
financial services nationwide. He offers his 
disaster-aversion advice at discount as well. 

Charles Schw: “Investment Indica- 
tors was very successful during the stock- 
market craze of the late Sixties. By 1970, 
we had some 10,000 shareholders, about 
$18,000,000 in the fund and were one of 
the top performers in the country. Publi- 
cations were mentioning that we were 
doing well, and we began receiving unso- 
licited orders from around the country. 
But that eventually led to our downfall. 
We ran into legal trouble with the state 
commissioner in ‘Texas and with the 
Securities and Exchange Commission. 

‘Investment Indicators died a slow 
death, taking about two years. What 1 
found most upsetting was that this thing 
was out of my control. It was an enormous 
setback to my confidence and ego. I didn't 
think about jumping off the Golden Gate 
Bridge, but I felt totally responsible for 
the situation, and 1 couldn't find anyone 
to help me out of it. The lawyers couldn't 
help. And while the issues eventually 
sorted themselves out, the result was that 
the lawyers who couldn't help made a sub- 
stantial amount of money on it. 

“I eventually walked away from Invest- 
ment Indicators feeling Га done the best I 
could for shareholders and conceded 
defeat. There were a lot of unhappy peo- 
ple, but most were empathetic toward те. 
I suffered more substantially, proportion- 
ally, than me else. Because I had 
borrowed heavily for the company, I was 
more than $100,000 in debt. My personal 
life was in worse shape. Largely because of 
the strain I'd been under, my mai 
to trouble and 1 soon found mys 

ivorced. К 
There was absolute frustration cmo- 
tionally and financially. I came to under- 


stand that no matter how ethical you are 
or how strongly you feel about doing a 
good service for your customers, there are 
still elements outside your control. 


SCHWAB: Down $100,000 after an SEC 
probe, he rode a bull market straight back to the top. 


“But it didn’t take me too long to get 
going again. I had started a small broke 
age operation in 1971 and I refocused m 
interest on it, preparing research repor 
on companies. | also did a couple of 
investment-banking deals, one of which 
provided enough to retire my debts. In 
1973, I founded Charles Schwab & Com- 
pany, and I launched the discount- 
brokerage concept the next year. 

“On the positive side, Investment Indi- 
cators gave me empathy for setbacks had 
by others. 1 pay a high premium for pco- 
ple with that kind of experience, especially 
if they've learned something about them- 
selves and how to manage their way 
through such swings.” 


ALLEN NEUHARTH 
Born-Again Publisher 

With just two years as a journalist behind 
him, Allen Neuharth launched a weekly tab- 
loid called SoDak Sports and lost $50,000 
ef his friends’ and relatives’ money 
Neuharth recovered to build Gannett into 
one of the world's mightiest media companies, 
but he hasn't forgotten the lessons of his early 
failure. 

Allen Neuharth: “My partner, Bill Por- 
ter, and I were young, cocky and confi- 
dent. In school, we talked about being 
rich and famous. We figured we knew 
everything about it. 

“SoDak Sports was a weekly tabloid pat- 
terned after The Sporting News, covering 
high school and college sports in South 
Dakota. We had raised approximately 
$50,000 from the sale of common stock, 
most of it to friends and relatives. We were 
going to build a publishing empire. And 
we worked like hell. 

“But even as circulation kept going up, 
we kept losing money. We simply couldn't 
crack the solid advertisers. The situation 
kept getting worse. At one point, we 


approached the Sioux Falls Argus Leader 
the big paper in the area, and tried to sell 
the management on publishing our paper 
as a once-a-week supplement. But we'd 
been smartasscs; our paper had been mak- 
ing fun of the Argus Leader and its sports 
coverage. Fred Christopherson, the pub- 
lisher, laughed us out of his office and told 
his friends that the inevitable had 
happened 

"When bankruptcy proceedings start- 
ed, I was struck by how routine it all was. 
Signs were put up and ads were placed in 
the classifieds, and people came in and 
bought our desks, typewriters and station 
gons. What the hell; everything went. I 
cricd. The stockholders never got a penny 
back on their investments. 

“Completely broke, | took off for Flor- 
ida and sat down to analyze what had 
gone wrong. ГА obviously screwed up on 
this one, and I learned that no matter how 
good an idea or product is, you've first got 
to be able to pay the rent. The SoDak 
Sports experience helped a great deal in 
making me aware of risks and rewards and 
of how to approach future endeavors. 

“I was up front with the managing edi- 
tor at The Miami Herald about SoDak 
Sports. He said he didn't give a damn 
about the paper but hired me because T 


NEUHARTH: His sports tabloid wound up 
in the loss column, bul al Gannett, he's unbeaten. 


showed rcasonable promise. 
still think about SoDak Sports and it 
still bugs me. I think about what I should 
have done with capitalization and finan- 
cial goals. It was a total, belly-up failure, 
but at least I was old enough to learn from 
it and young enough to recover. If it had 
, Га probably be putting 
out a couple of moderately successful 
papers in South Dakota and have a mem- 
bership at the Minnehaha Country Club. 

“Oh, yeah, in 1977, Gannett bought the 
Argus Leader. Fred Christopherson has 
retired. We laughed about it.” 


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PLAYBOY 


150 


CYCLING 


(continued from page 104) 
through 100. Urban cycling is all about 
timing and judgment. It's about the thrill 
of being aware, You have to think all 
the time. Think Quicksilier—the movie 1 
made with Kevin Bacon. By “think Quick 
silver,” | mean think quick and think 
movie. 

The urban cyclist encounters think-last 
situations everywhere. He may have a 
split second to make a move; and if that 
n't right, he's going to get clipped. 
If he’s looking at a Bloomingdale's win- 
dow or waving at a pretty girl, he’s going 
to be looking up at the bottom of a truck. 

He has to sce everything. He has to read 
that scene in front of him, as if he’s looking 
at a movie—see the things that could hurt 
him and think fast enough to avoid them. 

Look at the car in the center lane. It 
may move over a lane and start a cha 


NELSON 


move 


reaction by forcing another car to move. 
Look at that lady on the curb. She's either 
going to step into the street to catch a cab 
or stand in the street and wait for the light. 
It doesn't matter that she's standing in a 
bike lane. Pedestrians think a bike lane is a 
in-the-street-waiting-for-the- 
light-to-change lane. That chain reaction 
begun in the center lane may force you 
into that lady. If you've been watching all 
this unfold, like a movie, you have your 
next move planned. If the sidewalk isn't 
crowded, up you go. If you have to stop, 
you stop; but if you think ahead and watch 
that movie, you can almost always find a 
way to make it through. 

One thing you can't do and still be 
aware of your surroundings is waste time 
fooling with gears. When | was a mess 
ger, I had the perfect city bike, a one- 
speed coaster with two working hand 
brakes. You need only one speed in the 
city. If you have a ten-speed, put it in 


A1188 


TEN RULES OF THE STREET 


EB Prepare. Streich before you ride to prevent cramps. Dress for cycling suc- 
cess. It's cold, wear wool underwear, ski gloves and ski goggles, take a bandanna 


to wear over your nose and mouth (you'll look 


c Jesse James, but your lungs 


won't freeze) and stick some paper under your shirt to keep the wind off your 


che: 


EB Bc aware. 


‘The surprised rider is the one who hasn't been paying atte 


tion. Watch out for mirrors when you go between cars. Watch cabs—they'll stop 


anywhere to pick up a fare. W: 


everything. 
ЕЙ Be aggressive. 
gets heavy. Be posi 
alternative route. 
ways at once. If you do that, the w. 


atch people getting out of ears—they don't look first. 
Watch pedestrians, Watch that last car try s 


y to cross on an orange light. Watch 


Too many people fear cars. They go wobbly when traffic 
ive in your cycling. If the traffic ahe 
rhe best way to get clipped is to be indecisive and try to go two 
you'll usually go is down. 


d of you closes up, find an 


ЕЙ In a jam, stop if you can. Aggressiveness is not the same as craziness 
The recreational cyclist should always have a fallback—stopping. Risk your shins 


and your ankles, but not your life. 


EX If you can't stop, go straight. Going straight gives the other person an 


idea of where you will be a second from now, 


KA Never trust a turn signal. 
they're going until they get there 


Make an educated guess. 


0 he can be somewhere else. 


elf-explanatory: People don't know where 


You can sec a problem coming when there are 


changes in traffic. A chain reaction starts when one car changes lanes. You can 


avoid it if you make your move early. A cab is ge 
guring out the plot of a movie before the events 
happen—you can keep yourself on your bike by seeing the thi 


sticks his hand up. [t's like 


you. Or help you. 


ЕЙ No sight-seeing. If they're having a big 


there is a pretty 
waving at their friends. 
EA Be courteous. 
pedestr 
with 


Ш Never hit a baby. When 


n, listen to what th 


Tip your cap to the laa 
other person has to say. Help him up. Kill people 
indness, up to the point where you have to defend yourself. 


g to stop traffic for anyone who 
s that could hurt 


k. lf 


ale at Macy's, you can 


‘irl on the sidewalk, you can walk your bike. Some bikers wipe out 
If you want to sec the sights, you should join a tour. 


le. In a confrontation with a 


ou’re up on the sidewalk, watch out for baby 


carriages. Set а good example for future cyclists by missing them. 


whatever gear you're most comfortable 
with and leave it there. Or buy a mount 
bike. They have big, rugged tires 

they're sturdy. Their handle bars are too 
wide for city riding—if you go between 
cars, you'll get chopped by rearview 
mirrors—so have your bike dealer cut the 
handle bars to the width of your shoul- 
That way, they can be like a cat’s 

If they make it through a tight 
spot, you know your body can make it, too 

So speed up and squeeze through, or 
slow down and weave around. Watch t 
movie and pick the straightest line. Make 
up your flight plan as you go. That's what 
makes urban riding interesting. 

Drivers are what make urban riding 
frightening. Some of them hate you just 
because you're on a bike. They think of 
you as the enemy, and you can get in a 
street fight if you're not careful. My only 
real squabble was with a guy in a yellow 
Dodge Colt. We had stopped, waiting for a 
light to change, and 1 put my hand on the 
gutter over his window. This was a man 
with a grudge against cyclists or black 
guys or both, so instead of saying “Take 
your hand off my car," he slapped me. 1 
got off my bike, leaned it on the bumper of 
a parked car, went back and gave him 
some awareness of my fist. When the light 
changed, he was in the passenger seat. 

Fighting is a last resort, though. I don't 
want trouble with anyone. I never pound 
on a car door, no matter how stupid the 
driver may have been. There's no point in 
denting someone's car. That pisses him 
off; and, in general, you don't need somc- 
one trying to kill you when he has a car 
and you have a bike. You can show a bad 
driver the error of his ways, but be courtc- 
ous. Knock on his window and say, “Hey. 
Awareness.” If that doesn’t work, catch 
him at the next light and park in front of 
him. He'll honk and call you four- and 12. 
letter words, but he can't just run you over. 

Ne underestimate a cab. Most cab- 
drivers are good drivers, and they're just 
out there making a living like everyone 
else. But you get some who think it's their 
job to test you. They'll play with you— 
squeeze you into a double-parked car or 
run you up the curb— just to see how you 
handle yourself. A lot of bikers get them- 
selves into hard spots by pissing cabdriv- 
ers off, Don't. It's not in your best interest 

It’s the same with a bus driver. His 
vehicle weighs something like 20 tons and 
yours weighs 22 pounds. That is a mi 
match, but you're 1000 times 
maneuverable, so you should be able to 
stay out of his way. 

"Trucks are tough, because you can't see 
around them, they turn very wide and 
they take up a lot of space. You can almost 
always go between cars, but two trucks 
side by side leave a space about as wide as 
your front tire. Give them room. Do what 
I say, not what I do, which is draft behind 
a truck if сап find one going a steady 25 
A truck has two or three times the draft of 
a car—P get right up on its bumper and 


morc 


do a little coasting. 1 don't recommend 
drafting to the recreational rider, though. 
Us dangerous. Trucks make a lot of sud- 
den stops, and you can wind up pasted to 
HOW AM I DRIVING? decal 
Limo drivers deserve respect. Most of 
them are careful. They don't want brake- 
lever scratches on their doors. The limo 
driver has a big, wide-turning machine to 
watch out for, so he's mellow. But limos 
change lanes without signaling, like every- 
onc else. You have to watch that Cinerama 
in front of you at all times—even the 
whale with the mayor in it can hurt you. 
Cops should also be treated with 
respect. It's perfectly all right, if you're in 
a hurry, to ride against traffic. Just don't 
do it in front of a cop. You may think you 


can jam right past him, since hc has better 
th 


5 to do than chase a cyclist. Don't. 
ops have radios. 

Tourist drivers are the worst. They 
never seem to signal, they just weave back 
and forth in front of the Empire State 
Building. The driver will go from the left 
lane to the right lane while his wife is look- 
ing at a map and saying, “Look, honey! 
We were supposed to make a left here. 
Bingo—chain reaction. Everyone swerves 
left and you're running into people from 
Minnesota. There’s not much you can do 
about tourists except give them room. Be 
aware of that out-of-state license plate. 
Don’t take anything for granted. The only 
thing worse than a tourist driver with a 
map is a tourist driver without one. 

You may think I am an expert at dodg- 
ing dogs, but I’m not. There aren't m: 
dogs in New York, at least without leashes. 
I've never been chased by one, but I think 
1 know what I'd do if a dog came after 
me. I'd bark; and if that didn't work, Га 
try to set a personal best in the sprints. 

Remember this: There is nothing on 
the street—animal, mineral or vegetable 
(there are some vegetables with a driver's 
license) —that is going to hurt you if 
you're thinking fast and watching that 
movie in front of you. Don't be afra 
Don't wobble. Don't hesitate. He who hes- 
itates gets clipped. 

I've given you a lot of don'ts, but they 
all boil down to awareness. Use you! 
and your common sense. You have noth- 
ing to fear from that cabdriver. When it 
comes right down to it, he’s not going to 
run you over—he can't айога to have 
vehicular homicide on his record. You 
don’t have to worry about that pedestrian; 
he to worry about you. Go right 
through, man! 

Coexist with the street. Look at every- 
thing in that movie. You're part of it. 
You're one bike in this huge city, and it’s 
dangerous, but it's fun. You have thc thrill 
of being aware. You're zigzagging in and 
out, beating the light. You've got to get 
somewhere and you can't afford to stop. 
But if you hear me yelling "Waaaa!" 
behind you, make way. 


wits 


COCKTAILS 


(continued from page 97) 
elements in the process. АП Puerto Rican 
rums are given a minimum of one year in 
charred white-oak casks to smooth out 
and mellow. Specialty rums such as 
Bacardi Anejo, Don Q El Dorado and 
Barrilito are aged longer. 

At the other end of the Caribbean-rum 
spectrum is the full-bodied Jamaican 
breed. Somewhere between these poles— 
more or less in order of intensity—are 
rums made in St. Croix (American Vir- 
gins), Barbados, Haiti, Trinidad-Tobago, 
British Virgins, Martinique and Guiana, 
The last is best known for its smoky 
Demerara. 

Caribbean watering holes are the ideal 
setting for exploring the possibilities of the 
ion. Tending bar in the Caribbe: 
is more than a job, it’s almost a calling, 
and island bartenders are something else. 
They handle the mixing with aplomb, 
defily rocking out a succession of au- 
dacious drinks: coladas, rum punches, 
coolers and other chilling concoctions. 
Caribbean mixologists say that people 
drink with their eyes. They'll drape a 
papaya slice or a curl of shrimp on the rim 
of a glass, top a drink with a sprinkle of 
nply garnish it with a tiny 
wild orchid or a hibiscus blossom to prove 
their point. Of course, it helps to 
such delightful exotica literally growing 
on one’s doorstep. 

Another piece of local wisdom holds 
that drinks designed to be cooling should 
look that way. That means that all bever- 
ages are served snapping cold. Frigid! 


icy 


cinnamon or si 


e 


Julia, Valé 


Glasses are frosted, either by burying 


them in crushed ice or rinsing them in cold 
water, then setting them in the freezer for 
ten to 15 minutes. Even simpler, the rim of 
a glass can be moistened, then swirled in 
powdered sugar for that arctic image. 
Fresh, hard-frozen ice is preferred, and 
extra icc goes into the shaker. Tropical 
syrups such as Falernum, passion frui 
guava and soursop (guanábana) are sta- 
ples of the Caribbean bar, adding subtle 
flavors and often replacing plain sugar 

Following are selected recipes from. 
some of the best Caribbean resorts. 
Except for wild orchids and hibiscus, 
everything you need to make them be 
found Stateside. And if you're moved to 
visit the islands, so much the better. 


DIRTY BANANA 


Guests at El San Juan Hotel & Casino, 
Puerto Rico, sun themselves on the spa- 
cious beach, then cool out with shivery 
drinks such as the Dirty Banana. 

1 oz. Puerto Rican white rum 

2 ozs. coffee liqueur 

1 medium-size ripe banana, sliced 

2 ozs. half-and-half 

1 teaspoon superfine sugar 

% cup finely crushed ice 

Place all ingredients in chilled blender 
container. Blend until just smooth. Serve 
in large tulip or highball glass. If you like, 
save slice of banana for garnish. 


DORADO TRIPI 


Dustin Hoffman, Howard Baker, Raul 
Giscard d'Estaing and Lee 
Trevino are just a few of the celebrities 
who have enjoyed the serene atmosphere 
and suave drinks at the Hyatt Dorado 


RUM 


“Just sit tight and, hey, no more surprise 
appearances with Phil Donahue, OK?" 


151 


PLAYBOY 


152 


Sensual 
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Beach Resort, Puerto Rico. 

1% ozs. Paso Fino rum liqueur 

1 oz. Puerto Rican white rum 

Y oz. lemon juice 

1 teaspoon superfine sugar 

1 teaspoon grenadine 

Y oz. Bacardi Anejo 

Pincapple wedge, for garnish 

Briskly shake first 5 ingredients with 
ice. Strain over cracked icc in tall glass. 
Float Añejo by pouring slowly over the 
back of a spoon. Garnish with pineapple. 


HALF MOON BROWN COW 


When guests at the spilly Half Moon 
Club, Jamaica, take a сойсе break, it’s apt 
to be with this relaxing number. 

1% ozs. Tia María coffee liqueur 

2 ozs. milk, chilled 

Roasted collce beans, for garnish 

Shake coffee liqueur and milk briskly 
with ice. Strain over fresh ice in old fash- 
ioned glass. Float several coffee beans on 
surlace if desired. 


JUMBN BEACH PEACH 


Jumby Bay Resort is a very private, 
very special Caribbean retreat two miles 
north of Antigua. Below, a peachy house 
drink created by Jumby Bay’s bartender, 
Woody Steele. 

1 oz. apricot-flavored brandy 

2ozs. Riunite Natural Peach 

2 ozs. orange juice 

Fresh peach slice or mango, for garnish 
Shake first 3 ingredients with cracked 
ice. Pour unstrained into chilled highball 
glass. Top with slice of peach or mango. 


TRYALL YELLOW BIRD 
At the Tryall Golf and Beach Club, 


Jamaica, a Yellow Bird is not an ornitho- 


logical species—it's a great cocktai 

1% ozs. light rum 

Y oz. apricot-flavored brandy 

% oz. Galliano 

Y oz. lime juice 

2 ozs. orange juice 
tin season, for garnish 
hake all ingredients except fruit with 
ice until chilled. Strain over fresh ice in 
highball glass. Garnish as desired. 


CERROMAR BEACH COOLER 


Enjoy a unique drinking experience! Sip 
a cooler while floating down a man-made 
stream, 1776 feet long—past waterfalls 
and water slides—at the unique Hyatt 
Regency Cerromar Beach hotel, Puerto 
Rico. 

1 oz. Puerto Rican 151-degree rum 

1 oz. Cointreau 

11% ozs. tropical-fruit punch 

% oz. fresh lime juice 

2 ozs. papaya nectar (or %4 cup cubed 

fresh papaya) 
1 cup crushed ice 
Papaya slice, for garnish 


Place first 6 ingredients in chilled 
blender container. Blend 30 seconds; stop 
and let contents settle. Blend until 


smooth. Pour into poco grande (chimney) 
glass; hang garnish on rim. 


PETER ISLAND BEACHCOMBER 


Peter Island Hotel and Yacht Harbor, 
British Virgin Islands, is a superlative set- 
to do nothing but swig icy coolers, for 
which the bar is known. 

| oz. vodka 

1% ozs. Puerto Rican white rum 

6 ripe strawberries, stemmed and sliced 

1 small ripe banana, sliced 

Ye oz. coconut cream 

Ya oz. lime juice 

% oz. grenadine 

% cup finely crushed ice 

Ground cinnamon, for garnish 

To chilled blender container, add all 
ents except garnish. Blend 
mixture is just smooth. Pour into tall glas: 
or goblet. Sprinkle lightly with cinnamon. 
Serve with straws. 


моко JUNE 


An interesting combination of tastes 
from Williams and Daniels, a finc restau- 
rant on St. Thomas. 

2 ozs. Pertsovka vodka 

4 ozs. orange juice, chilled 

Lime wedge 

Light splash grenadine 

Orange slice, for garnish 

Pour Pertsovka and orange juice over 
ice cubes in tall glass. Squeeze in juice of 
lime; drop peel into glass. Add grenadine 
to taste. Stir until chilled. Garnish with 
orange slice. 


BON Bl 


From the Fort Nassau restau 
island of Curacao, a light, sprightly 

1 oz. Don Q white rum 

1 oz. curacao liqueur 

2 ozs. pineapple juice 

Pineapple wedge, for garnish 

Shake all redients briskly with ice. 
Strain over fresh ice in old fashioned glass. 
Garnish with pineapple wedge 


BAHAMA MOMMA 


When you want something that 
tasting and good for you, go to Momma— 
Bahama Momma. You'll find her at smart 
eating and drinking spots all over the 
Bahamas. 

1% ог. Nassau Royale liqueur 

1% ozs. Ronrico white rum 

2 ozs. pineapple juice 

2 ozs. orange juice 

Dash Angostu 

1% oz. grenadine, or to taste 

% orange slice or cherry, for garnish 

Shake first 6 ingredients with ice. Strain 
over fresh ice in tall glass. Top with fruit 
garnish. 

Ifyou have the Caribbean in your blood 
but can't hie off to the islands just now, 
find solace—and savor—in these beguil- 
ing tropical drinks. 


good- 


bitters 


TRAVEL 


(continued from page 24) 
have the heart to make fun of these folks. 
Ir's like hunting dairy cows with a high- 
powered rifle and scope. Then again, 1 
have to consider what they'd do to me if 
they caught me having my idea of a 
vacation—an undressed bimbo in a sleazy 
Florida hotel room, a bottle of lotion, 
some drugged wine. . In fact, you 
already know what they did when they 
caught Jim Bakker. Heck, they want to 
hang the likes of Jim and me. And all I 
want to do is rib them a little. 

Гуе always figured that if God wanted 
us to go to church a lot, Неа have given 
us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller 
heads to think with. But God or carbohy- 
drates or something had done that for 
these people. They all had huge bottoms, 
immense bottoms. It looked as if everyone 
in the place had stuffed a chair cushion 
down the back of his leisure slacks. And 
what leisure slacks! Heal them, O Lord, 
for they are injured in the buds of taste. 
and I had dressed quietly for the 
But my buttondown shirt and 
chinos and her blue blazer and tartan skirt 
made us stick out like nude calypso danc- 
crs. We were wearing the only natural 
fibers for 2300 acres in any direction. 

“You know what you've got here?" I 
said to Dorothy. “This is white trash 
behaving itself{—the only thing worse than 
white trash not behaving itself.” 

Shhhh!” said Dorothy. “That's mean.” 

“These people aren't having any fun,” 1 

said. “They should join the Klan. They'd 
be better off. They could hoot and holler 
and what not. The Klan doesn’t do all 
that much really bad stuff anymore, 
because there are too many FBI double 
in it. And if these people joined the 
they could smoke and drink again. 
v'd get to wear something half- 
way decent, like an all-cotton bed sheet. 
J.” said Dorothy, "stop it! Every- 
body can hear you." 
„” I said. “All you people, 
you ought to——" Dorothy slapped a 
hand over my mouth and pulled me 
outside. 

The next day, Dorothy and I pretended 
to be married and went house hunting in 
the Christian condominium subdevelop- 
ment. The homes were mostly freestand- 
ing ranch jobs built on slab foundations 
and supplied with a couple of hundred 
dollars of old-úmy exterior trim. Each 
unit is supposedly built to order, but nei- 
ther the designs nor the floor plans can be 
altered. (What God and contractor have 
joined together let no man put asunder.) 
Condo prices ranged from $128,000 to 
$144,000. I checked the real-cstate sec- 
tions in the local papers, and this seemed 
to be almost a third again the going rate 

The model homes showed no special 
religious features, no total-immersion 
adult baptismal pools in the johns, Last 
Supper-style dining arcas, scapegoat pens 


or walk-on-the-water beds, ‘There was also 
a sad lack of evangelical hard sell. 

Instead, there was a lonely-looking 
middle-aged lady with a layer of Tammy 
Bakker-style make-up. “Now, I live by 
myself here,” she said, "but, gosh, there 
are so many things going о! 
a moment to feel lonely.” 
rupted by a phone call from Maine. 
“Excuse me,” she said, "this lady is call- 
ing from all the way up in Ma 

The caller was, I gathered, very elderly. 

“Yes,” said the real-estate lady on the 
phone, “you can live right here at Herit- 
age USA. ... No, dear, you shouldn't 
ig you haven't even seen... . 
Well, maybe you can get your minister to 
drive you down." 

We slipped out during the phone call, 
feeling a little creepy. Something is draw- 
ing forlorn old ladies and poor, troubled- 
g families to Heritage USA. Five 
n went there in 1985. It can't be 
Jesus making them do a thing like that. 
He's a compassionate guy, isn’t he? 

We took one more walk through the 
mall. 1 was cavesdropping hard, hoping 
for somie final, telling quote. No luck. 

Everybody was on good behavior, just 
like the day before. There were no scream- 
ing toddlers, no running kids, no griping 
adults. It was like being in the First 
Church of Christ Hanging Out at the 
Mall. Dorothy heard a jewelry salesman 
tell his customer, “It has a lifetime guar- 
antee, or until Jesus returns—whichever.”” 

A Goody Two-shoes treacle seemed to 
flow sluggishly through the place, and I 
think it was making Dorothy a little crazy. 
She kept whispering that we should go 
behind a Coke machine or into a mop 
closet or someplace and “pet.” They must 
have this problem a lot at Heritage USA, 
because all the Coke machines were right 
out in the middle of the rooms and the 
mop closets were locked. We tried a stair 


well, but it had a floor-to-ceiling window 
opening on the hotel lobby. 

And that was when it dawned on me. 
There's only one explanation for Heri 
USA: Jim and Tammy are working for the 
other side. Their own recent behavior 
scems to make that obvious. And consider 
the other evidence: a bookstore without 
books, a record shop without mu: 
what else could these be but the vain and 
empty works of the Devil? And Heritage 
USA has lots of rules and ugly architcc- 
ture, just like Communist Russia, that den 
of Satan. And don't forget that fundamen- 
talism prohibits premarital sex, yet you 
have a proper black Mass without 
using a naked virgin as an altar. Put two 
and two together—it’s not a pretty pic- 
ture. Furthermore, as a result of our visit 
to Heritage USA, Dorothy and I had com- 
mitted every one of the seven deadly sins: 

Pride—looking at our fellow visitors 
had turned us into awful snobs. 


Wrath—we wanted to murder the 
architects. 

Lust—if we could have found an open 
mop closet. . 


Avarice—by proxy (Jim and Tammy 
Bakker, as founders of Heritage USA, had 
committed this sin for us). 

Envy—how come Jim and Tammy get 
to live so high on the hog? Why didn't we 
think of Heritage USA? 

Gluttony—especially for a quick drink. 

Sloth—we spent three days in bed 
recovering from the drunk we went on 
after we got out of there. 

This is no way to have fun. Everybody 
likes a good laugh. and there's nothing 
wrong with that. But on this year’s vaca- 
tion, steer clear of Heritage USA. For the 
sake of your immortal soul, stay home 
and take drugs and have sex, the way Ji 
and Tammy do. (After all, 1 understand 
they've been forgiven.) 


“You're not going lo watch ‘Masterpiece Theatre’ 
in that shirt!” 


LOWENB 


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TIONAL TRAVEL PACKAGE FROM LOWENBRAU 
Find the toll free number on Lowenbrau displays 
Call Heather and instantly win. 
* A Porsche 911 Coupe 
* Trips to Furope or Japan 
* Car Phones 
* Porsche Design Sunglasses 
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С.Е. Porsche AG. Permission granted. 
Sweepstakes ends Ji реп to U.S. residents of legal drinking age 
in their state at time of entry. 
Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin 


/(ON-THE-SCENE 


ot long ago, the only patterned sock a man would, or 
could, wear was the familiar diamond-plaid Argyle. 
Now, when he puts his feet up on his desk, he's mak- 
ing a fashion statement. Socks today are a rainbow of 
color and a daring mixture of fun patterns and designs. Mod- 
ern technology and the Nigata computerized knitting ma- 


HOT SOCKS 


chine have turned the sock industry heels over toes. The 
Nigata makes possible intricately knitted designs that pre- 
viously had to be applied by a printing process. Whether the 
knit is a richly textured Jacquard weave, a kicky over-all pat- 
tern ora clock design on the outer side of the sock, you defi- 
nitely have something stylish to step into before stepping out. 


From upper left to right: Abstract-patterned cotton/nylon socks, by Laura Pearson, about $16.50. Jacquard wool/nylon socks, by Falke, about 
$14. Striped acrylic/wool/nylon socks, by Head Phones, about $13. Golfer-patterned acrylic/wool/nylon socks, by Modules at Format, 
$9. Video-game/car-patterned cotton/nylon socks, by Christian Dior for Camp Hosiery, $6.50. Red wool/acrylic socks, by Bill Ditfort, $17. 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


SUPERSHOPPING 


It has a 1000-watt high-power motor, finger-tip 
controls and an on-board accessory compartment; 
it's German-made and an S 238i. Relax, BMW; we're 
talking about Miele’s great-looking canister vacuum 
cleaner, the ultimate Yuppie baseboard racing ma- 
chine. It features a triple-air-clean-filter system, plus 
blower capability, $450; optional power brush, $150. 


The СТЕ 7400 Integrated Telephone/TAD. 
is a space saver's savior. The unit features 
hands-free speaker-phone operation, one- 
touch memory access to 20 of your best 
telephone buddies, last-number redial, 
tone selection and pulse dialing. The Tele- 
phone Answering Device is built right in 
and offers beeperless remote, one-button 
playback and remote turn-on that activates 
the machine with ten rings of the phone, 
about $200. Look, Ma Bell, no hands! 


Donvier’s Cordially Yours home cordial maker 
will create a tasty aperitif or a delicately colored 
after-dinner liqueur in two to eight hours, using 
radiant heat to release the natural essence of 
fruits, nuts and spices. The result is a doit- 
yourself potion of flavor, nutrients and aroma 
that’s an interesting alternative to brandy 
or port, distributed by Nikkal, about $65. 


The Italian-crafted Venezia couch is of 
ariline-vat-dyed cowhide atop a lacquered- 
wood base. Both ends of the 7%-foot-Iong 
unit swivel—as shown—revealing low-set 
lacquered corner cocktail tables and creat- 
ing an intimate seating group, from Euro 
2000, Escapades, Chicage, about $1650. 


p" 


Look out below Sony's 

MPK-M6 Marine Pack 

for its 8mm Handy- 

sony  WARNEPICN сат camera/recorder 
ШЖ. is a self-contained, sub- 

surface little wonder that 

takes home video all the 


5 395 ay down to 165 feet, $1975. 
2 Optional video light, $35. 


The Exclusive Sunglasses, from Porsche Design, 
| are as flattering as they are functional. The 
X interchangeable lenses are surface-hardened, 


heat- and impact-resistant, and the gear- 
regulated folding hinges will withstand 


T much abuse, $195; extra lenses, $25 each. 
_— 
er” 
Breathe easy: The Instapure Air Filtration System 
Model AFI-W reduces dust, pollen, furnace gas 
and cigarette smoke by 99 percent and adsorbs | 
common household odors. It's fully program- || 


mable and features a digital clock and wood- 
grained cabinet, from Teledyne Water Pik, $375. 


Clik Cases are tough, water- 
proof plastic travelers that 


you customize to hold 

"€ cameras, cassettes 
or what have you. 

> They're all yours 

in 12 classy col- 

ors, from 

Outer 

Circle 

Products, 

Chica- 

E go, $12 


| > 


y JANES IMBROGNO AND RICHARD ızu 


—GRAPEVINE 


This Snake 

Ain't Fake 
THE FAT BOYS have an 
album, Crushin', a mini 
summer tour with the 
Beach Boys and a new 
movie, Disorderlies, hap- 
pening at the same time. 
The movie, co-starring 
Ralph Bellamy, has the 


Here’s Tracy, 
Looking Racy 
Model TRACY OWEN 
made her first TV com- 
mercial when she was 
only five. Now she's go- 
ing to Japan to model 
British-made clothes. 
While we wait for her 
next career move, feast 


IL NATHIN / PHOTO RESERVE 


boys, playing the three 34g your eyes on this. 
worst orderlies in nurs- We sure can pick 
ing-care history, taking “em, right? 


care of Bellamy, the 
world's richest man. 
Guaranteed laughs. 


Little Dab 
will 
Do 


Actress WANDA 
AGUNA knows 
where to put the 
frosting. You've 
seen Wanda, 
dressed, on The 
Young and the Rest- 
less and Days of 
Our Lives and on 
the big screen 
in Man Killers. 
We think this 
pic is a man- 
killer, too. 


t 1987 PIP LG 


Three’s a 
Crowd 


These boys from 
down under—New 
Zealand and Australia, 
tobe exact—make upa 
hot new group called 
CROWDED HOUSE. @ 
They were an opening 

act this past winter in the 
U.S. and blew the main 
attractions, well, out of the 
house. We're telling you, 
these guys have moved in. 


I Read the News Today, Oh, Boy 


Currently London's most-talked-about page-six girl, MARIA WHITTAKER 
has been on the TV talk-show circuit, has a race horse named 

after her, has won a bunch of dance contests 
and is making her first trip to 
the U.S.A. Welcome! 


Bruce Is Loose 
With Moonlighting in reruns 
and the fate of Maddie and 
David on hold, BRUCE WILLIS 
is working on a new Blake Ed- 
wards film, Sunset, with James 
Garner, set for a Christmas- 
time release. Willis is playing 
Tom Mix In his free time, 
Bruno may retum to rock 
clubs, harp in hand, wowing 
the ladies and making grown 
men chuckle. 


env 
oto ie 


HOT TO DOT 


If you're looking for a good reason to put some 
lead in your pencil, there's Naughty Dots, a $5.95 
softcover from Salem House Publishers in 
Topsfield, Massachusetts, filled with 30 connect- 
the-dots drawings that definitely aren't child's 
play. Each set of dots has its own caption (we 
especially like “Now it's your turn to look for my 
contact lens!”). Try it on your next date and sce if 
it doesn’t draw out some interests you'll like. 


BEARIFONE WITH US 


When К.С. Bearifone 11 speaks, people listen— 
and look. In fact, we first saw K.C. at the winter 
Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, and it 
didn't take long before every showg town 
wanted one. К.С. is a voice-animated speaker- 
phone with mouth and eye movements synchro- 
nized to the caller's voice pattern. It even has a 
ном button. TeleConcepts is the manufacturer, 
and K.C. is available for about $180 at Macy's, 
Spiegel and other outlets. Cute! 


POTPOURRI 


ALL THAT GLITTERS. ... 


Glitter guru David Jerome, the president of Jerome Russell Cos- 
metics (U.S.A.), Inc., claims the inspiration for his Glittering Sun- 
tan Creme came while he was vacationing in the south of France, 
where “attractive half-naked female bodies are a dime a dozen." 
Obviously, the one who stood out in the crowd would get the most 
Jerome's Creme (which is available in sun-block 
strengths of two, four and ten) definitely is an eve catcher. A 2.2- 
ounce foam-spray can sells for only $5 at drug and 
department stores. Twinkle, twinkle, little starlet! 


77 2 
HOME COOKING—THE BANCHET WAY 


It was Playboy that hired a talented young French chef named 


Jean Banchet to head up the kitchen at our late, great Club and 


Resort at Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, some years ago. Today, as epi- 
cureans of the world (and all of you who read our 25 Best Restau- 
rants in America feature in the March 1987 now, Jean 
Banchet owns Le Francais in Wheeling, Illinois, one of the true 
temples of gastronomy in this country. And to get you busy at the 
stove, Banchet has video-taped Cooking for Guests, a 37-minute 
VHS-only segment in which he tutors the viewer on how to pre- 
pare a scallop salad, a capon entree and a dessert the Banchet 
way. The tape sells for $43.95, postpaid, sent to J. W. Starbuck 
Productions, 310 Clay Street, Woodstock, Illinois 60098, or call 
1-800-338-9999 to put it on a credit card. Bon appetit. 


MAPPING OUT PAPA'S LIFE 


The next time you curl up with The Sun 
Also Rises, make the carth move for you 
by spreading out the four-color 20" x 27" 
Ernest Hemingway Adventure Map of the 
World, which lists nearly 200 locations in 
Hemingway's fiction, as well as his homes 
and hangouts throughout the world. 
Aaron Blake Publishers sells the map for 
only $5.75, postpaid, sent to them at 
Suite 130, 1800 South Robertson Boule- 
vard, Los Angeles 90035. A poster is $9. 


К aen. 


STICKY SUBJECT 


Wonder what those tall and tan and 
young and lovely girls on the beach at 
Ipanema are wearing these days? Would 
you believe Tantalizer Tossaway Tops— 
maxipasties that are water-resistant and 
remain on the breasts a day or more with 
an FDA-approved adhesive? It's the 

next best thing to going topless, and wo 
sets cost only $9.50 sent to Temptu 
Marketing, 157 Hudson Street, New 

York 10013. Vavoom! 


GO JUMP! 


Big shots who have clawed 
their way to the top can now 
experience the equally exhila- 
rating thrill of getting to the 
bottom fast by signing aboard 
the Lüft Taucher Alpine Rap- 
pelling tour for executives in 
the Bavarian Alps this October 
17 through 24. While there, 
you'll climb with experienced 
mountain guides during the 
day (no previous mountaineer- 
ing experience necessary) and 
be wined and dined in first- 
class accommodations at 

night. All for $2500, including 
round-trip air fare, booked 
through Liift Taucher Interna- 
tional Rappelling Tours, 511 
South 1] Avenue, Minneapolis 
55415. You go first. 


THE EYES HAVE IT 


Harry Pearson is a perfection- 
ist. As editor-publisher of the 

bimonthly magazine The Abso- 
lute Sound, ће ha: 
past 14 years fi 
improvements 


home audio 


gear. Now he has given birth 
to The Perfect Vision, a quar- 
terly sibling publication 
devoted to “the fine and not- 
so-fine points of video technol- 
ogy.” Articles on laser rot and 
MTS stereo sound ar: the 
first issue, along with just 
about c hing else you've 
ever wanted to know about 
video and were too dumb to 
ask. A year's subscription goes 
for $22 sent to The Perfect 
Vision, P.O. Box 357, Sea Cliff, 
New York 11579. Tunc in. 


ZIP SLIP 


Slippery Stuff has been 
around for years, merchan- 
dised as “a unique silken liq- 
uid that enhances the 
pleasure of human contact." 
It was sold in a box that had 
about as much sex appeal as 
a busted rubber. Then 
Feathre Luv Enterprises put 
this zippy new packag- 

ig, and the rest is sales 
history. Ladies love to be the 
first to zip open Slippery 
Stufl's cardboard container. 
Order it for $10 from Feathre 
Luv, P.O. Box 261, Harvard 
Square, Cambridge, Massa- 
chusetts 02238 and sce what 
gets unzipped quick. 


161 


162 


NEXT MONTH 


BONDED BEAUTY 


NEWTON'S NOTEBOOK PRO PICKS. 


“SPIES LIKE US"—INSIDE THE INSIDE STORY OF 
WHO'S DOING WHAT TO WHOM, ESPIONAGEWISE—BY 
RUDY MAXA; PLUS: “THE LISTENING WARS”—BY 
JEFFREY RICHELSON 


"THE MAN WITH THE SILVER ANNIVERSARY"— 
SPEAKING OF SPIES, 007 IS CELEBRATING HIS 25TH 
YEAR IN THE MOVIES WITH HIS NEWEST RELEASE, THE 
LIVING DAYLIGHTS. PLAYBOY AND JAMES BOND GO 
BACK A LONG WAY, WE TOAST THE RELATIONSHIP 
THAT HAS BROUGHT YOU BEAUTIES FROM URSULA 
ANDRESS TO THE LATEST LOVELY, MARYAM D'ABO 


“THE RULES OF ATTRACTION"—ROMANCE ON CAM- 
PUS, EIGHTIES STYLE, BY THE HOT YOUNG AUTHOR OF 
LESS THAN ZERO, BRET EASTON ELLIS 


"DRIVING IN THE REAL WORLD"—OFF-TRACK TIPS 
FROM TOP RACING PROS DAN GURNEY, KEVIN CO- 
GAN, DANNY SULLIVAN AND OTHERS 


JOHN SCULLEY TALKS ABOUT BRINGING APPLE BACK 
FROM THE BRINK, THE STEVE JOBS AFFAIR AND THE 
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN US. AND JAPANESE ENTER- 
PRISE IN A BUSINESSLIKE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


ASPHALT ADVICE 


"PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW"—ITS THE BE- 
GINNING OF A NEW ERA: PIGSKIN PROGNOSTICATIONS 
BY OUR OWN GARY COLE 


“THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING BON JOVI"—HOW DID 
THIS TESTOSTERONE-SOAKED ROCK BAND ZIP ITS 
SLIPPERY WHEN WET WAY UP THE CHARTS? WITH A 
LOT OF HELP FROM SOME UNCONVENTIONAL 
SOURCES, THAT'S HOW. TIMOTHY WHITE TAKES US 
BEHIND THE SCENES WITH A MUSIC PHENOM 


"SEX SCANDALS OF 1987"—TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE 
IN A SASSY QUIZ: WHO WAS THE HART STOPPER? DID 
BAKKER HAVE A DOZEN? AND OTHER HOT QUESTIONS 


"HELMUT NEWTON'S PLAYMATE PORTFOLIO"— 
YOU'VE SEEN ROBERTA VASQUEZ, LESA ANN PEDRIA- 
NA, CHRISTINE RICHTERS, BARBARA EDWARDS AND 
KIMBERLY MCARTHUR BEFORE. BUT NOT LIKE THIS 


PLUS: *HAIR APPARENT," THE LATEST IN GROOMING 
ADVICE, PLUS A LOOK AT MINOXIDIL + A, THE NEW 
BALDNESS REMEDY, "20 QUESTIONS" WITH PENN 
AND TELLER; “BACK TO CAMPUS FASHIONS”; AND 
THE EVER-POPULAR MUCH, MUCH MORE 


Can you find the radar in this picture? 
Cobra can. 


The Cobra Trapshooter, for visor or dash 


By the time you see the radar source, chances 
are its too late. But if you had a Cobra Trapshooter mount, literally fits in the palm of your hand 
radar detector, it would sniff it out in an instant. The Trapshooter Ultra is even smaller, with its 
Cobra Trapshooters not only find radar unique, sporty design, and 3 different alarm settings 
wherever it lurks, but also filter out false signals that voice warning, melody, and beep. 
other detectors simply can't. To find the dealer nearest you, call 
Both the miniaturized yet incredibly sensitive 1-800-COBRA 22. 
Cobra Trapshooter Ultra, and the Cobra Trapshooter Oh, the radar? Take a good look. It's just beyond 
employ the latest technology in electronic the bend, behind the row of trees on the right 
circuitry to warn you of radar, even over hills and Still can't see it? Better geta Cobra 


around the bend. § 


Cobra 


DYNASCAN CORPORATION 


Cobra Teapshooter RD MIO. 


Cobra Trapshoorer Ultra RD 4170 


Real Pride | ME | are 


ner taste. 
instar 


| L. al 
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
2 Smoke Contains Carbon Мопохійе. 
© 1987 R.J. REYNOLOS осо. mo. "tar", 0. m i 


ша E 
ZA O0TR мо т 
nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method. ASTE