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HOT INTERVIEW:
GORE VIDAL

САНАМ WIL
RAY BRADBURY, ED
AIN, JUSTINE

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PLAYBILL

CULTURAL LITERACY is a phrase that’s been making the rounds of
our least favorite cocktail parties recently. It was bad enough
when hosts used to pull out a game of Trivial Pursuit. Now along
comes a prolessor—E. D. Hirsch, Jr.—who insists that unless
you can identify the 4500 academic buzz words, facts and
phrases central to Western civilization as we know it, you may as
well work the rest of your life in a gas station.

The way we figure: You could go back to college and pick up a
few more key terms, or you could read this issue of Playboy. Since penek ТҮЙҮП
you may find yourself'at a party in the near future, here are three
concepts that are the pillars of enlightened thinking: Catch-2}
Fahrenheit 451, The 87th Precinct, We are not talking cultural lit-
eracy; we are talking vital signs. These are not mere artifacts or
clutter: They are adventures. Thus, we are pleased to present
works by Joseph Heller, Roy Bradbury and Ed McBoin—three men
who qualify as national living treasures.

Yossarian Survives (illustrated by Chorles Walker) is a recently
discovered fragment of Heller's Catch-22. Twenty-five years ago,
Heller and his editor trimmed an 800-page novel down to 600 MC BAIN
pages; one of the chapters they cut is a brilliant send-up of phy:
cal fitness, military style. It may not have belonged in the novel,
but it does belong under your Christinas tree. (Heller is finishing
a novel, Poetics, to be published by Putnam next fall.)

Bradbury is best known for his science-fiction classics; Fahren-
heit 451 ran in the March, April and May 1954 issues of Playboy.
Since that initial appearance, Bradbury has contributed 28
pieces of fiction and nonfiction to our pages. The Laurel and
Hardy Love Affair is a tender three-handkerchicl romance, a
quality change of pace.

McBain was voted a grand master of mystery by the Mystery
Writers of America in 1986. Tricks (illustrated by Stephen Turk)
follows the boys from the 87th Precinct as they try to locate
a missing magician. The story is part of a book published by
Arbor House.

No holiday issue this year would be complete without a whiff
of scandal, so we offer the second part of The Jessica Hahn Story,
which chronicles the cover-up of the PTL debacle. With sex and
politics occupying center stage, we thought it natural for the
Playboy Interview to check in with Gore Vidal. David Sheff recorded
Vidal's thoughts on the fiasco known as recent American history.
For those of you who like your cultural commentary from beyond
the fringe, we asked Jerry Stohl to visit the happy mediums who
relay messages from ancient spi Channel Hopping (illus-
trated by John O'Leary) reports on the latest trend among psychics.

Culture—be it pop or profound—must also keep track of each
important batch of Hollywood personalities. David Seeley profiles Pan
Dennis Quoid, the hot star of Suspect and The Big E Robert Сгопе Li RITTS
interrogates Justine Botemon, thc other star of Family Ties, for a
revealing 20 Questions. Jim Horwood has donc his usual brilliant
survey to report on Sex Slars of 1987, with an imaginative lay-
‘out—including a look at Playmates on film—created by Senior
Art Director Chet Suski. Photographer Herb Ritts gives us a smash-
ing pictorial of Brigitte Nielsen: Cultural literacy surely involves а
nonverbal appreciation of beauty.

It's not that we're against cultural literacy; we just think that
the proponents of such snobbery don’t include the real essentials
of survival. Denis Boyles, Alon Rose and Alan Wellikoff spent the past
several years putting together a curriculum for the complete VELLIKOFF, ROSE, BOY LES.
man. And it features the important stufl—such as how to take a
piss without those bothersome little drips. This is an excerpt
from The Modern Man's Guide to Life, to be published by Harper
& Row. And since any cultural sophisticate must know how to
relax, we've included Great Lounge Ads, with photography by
John Goodman. No amount of education prepares you for life in an
L-shaped studio, so we asked Joonne L. Krotz to decorate the ulti-
mate bachelor pad. As long as you have a coffee table, or a place 1
to put your December issue of Playboy, you're doing all right. GOODMAN. KROTZ

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PLAYBOY

vol. 34, no. 12—december 1987 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
РАВИШИ АЕНА 5

DEAR PLAYBOY е 13

PLAYBOY AFTERHOURS Sn nn ү e E SS Е E E RES 17

РОТУ A СОЛУН eee ect DAN JENKINS 29

WOMEN . CYNTHIA HEIMEL 30

MEN -ASA BABER 32

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR . 35 Gitte Nielsen Survives
IDEAR PLAYMATES (Doc у Oates sce ee ieee Е Lone 39

THE PLAYBOY FORUM 4

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: GORE VIDAL—candid conversation.............. Sce da 51

THE LAUREL AND HARDY LOVE AFFAIR—fiction ................ RAY BRADBURY 76

GITIE THE GREAT—pictorial. во

THE MODERN MAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE—article. ... . DENIS BOYLES,

AL ;, ALAN WELLIKOFF 94
THE 12 STORES OF CHRISTMAS modern living. . 98 So Does Yossarian
TRICKS- fiction . . Ч ..ED MCBAIN 104
MEET INDIA— playboy's playmate of the month... 106
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES-humor КЕЕ у isses eee eese n8
20 QUESTIONS: JUSTINE BATEMAN ааа: . 120
THE JESSICAIHAHN STORY, PART TWO BE oo ee nec TERRE 122

GREAT LOUNGE ACTS— fashion . ..
DENNIS, ANYONE?— personality. .. DAVID SEELEY 128 India's Miss December
CHANNEL HOPPING—article З JERRY STAHL 131
URBANE RENEWAL— modern living. ....................... JOANNA L KROTZ 138

... HOLIS WAYNE 124

YOSSARIAN $ИЕУ!УЕ5—В‹Ноп.............................. JOSEPH HELLER 144
SEX STARS OF 1987—ркїопо!....................... text by ЛМ HARWOOD 148
THE SUBSTITUTES—humer ..................... -. GAHAN WILSON 154

NOW .

ЕДЕ "- 194
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ..

217

COVER STORY

When Brigitte Nielsen split from ex-hubby Sly Stallone, she didn't wont to
tolk about it. Still, her face and figure speak volumes, os you'll see in
Gitte the Great. This cover photo was produced by West Coast Phatography
Editor Marilyn Grabowski ond shat by Contributing Photographer Stephen
Wayda. Gitte's dress is Нот Addictions, Los Angeles, and her jewelry
is courtesy af М Gollery, Los Angeles. The Rabbit is as handy as ever.

олло ашлы P. 222: TERI fon
Ботпон Comes. PITSBUNCA BAEWNG INSERT IN SELECTED PENNSYLVANIA ISRUES MENT TET BETWEEN PAGES 24-33; MIGHT SPICE SCENT STR BETHEEN PAGED 36-3. PATE Ж) USA

PLAYBOY

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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
and associate publisher
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso-
ciale editor; FICTION: ALICE K TURNER edilor;
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate edilor; WEST
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: СВЕТ
CHEN EDGREN, PATRICIA PAPANGELIS (admmistra-
ion), DAVID STEVENS senior editors; WALTER LOWE
JR, JAMES E. PETERSEN senior staff writers; BRUCE
KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, associate edi-
¡DI KLINE traffic coordinator; MODERN
ED WALKER associate editor; PHILLIP
COOPER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor;
COPY: ARLENE BOURAS editor; JOYCE RUBIN assist-
ani editor; CAROLYN BROWNE. STEPHEN FORSLING,
DEBRA HAMMOND, CAROL KEELEY, BARI NASH,
MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDI-
TORS: ASA BARER, Е JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE GON:
ZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL, WILLIAM J. HELMER, DAN
JENKINS, D. KEITH MANO, REG POTTERTON, RON
REAGAN, DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID
SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (Movies),

SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER, BILL ZEHME.
ART

KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN

WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO KOU

varsos associate directors; KAREN GABE, KAREN
GUTOWSKY, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant directors;
BILL BENWAY, DANIEL REED, ANN SEIDL art assist
ants; BARBARA HOFFMAN administralive manager

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west ©
managing editor; LINDA Ki
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; PATTY
BEAUDET assistant edilor; POMPEO POSAR senior
staff photographer; KERRY MORRIS staff photog-
rapher; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, АВХУ
FREYTAG, RICHARO 1201, DAVID MECEY, BYRON
NEWMAN, STEPHEN WANDA contributing photogra-
hers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color lab
supervisor; JOHN Goss business manager

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
FLEANORE WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD
QUARIAROLI, RITA JOHNSON assistants

READER SERVICE
CYNTHIA LACEVSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM
Е OSTROWSKI correspondents

CIRCULATION

RICHARD SMITH director; BARBARA GUTMAN associate
director

ADVERTISING
MICHAEL T. CARR advertising director; ZOE AQUILLA
midwest manager; FRANK COLONNO, ROBERT
TRAMONDO group sales managers; JOHN PEASLEY
direct response

ADMINISTRATIVE
JOHN A. SCOTT president, publishing group;
J-P- TIM DOLMAN assistant publisher
EILEEN KENT contracts administrator; MARCIA TER-
RONES rights & permissions manager

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER president

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Hello?
Is this the man with the secret tattoo?

Now that you know about it, it’s not
а secret anymore, 15 it?

Your tattoo is safe with me. Were
you able to get a taxi ?

I walked home.

And how was Paris while all the
sensible folk were still in bed?

It was grey and drizzling and
bloody marvelous. I kept making
up poems with your name in
them. Also a love song that, for
rhyming reasons, ended up being
all about your right elbow. I don't
think my feet touched the ground
once all the way home.

I meant to tell you. I love the way
you smell. Most men’s colognes
make them smell like they take
themselves too seriously.

I thank you. My Paco Rabanne
cologne thanks you. My mother
thanks you.

Your mother would never approve of
what you and your Paco Rabanne
do to me, so let's leave her out of

this. Am I going to see your tattoo
again tonight?

That’ up to you, isn't it?

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& RELAX

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBDY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE.

CHICAGD, ILLINDIS 606

IS IT A HAMBURGER
OR A MC MAHONWICH?

Gary Cole, in Playboy's Pro Football
Forecast (September), vastly overestimates
Jim McMahows quarterbacking abilities.
McMahon’s greatest talent lies in self-
motion, not quarterbacking. He has hyp-
notized his fellow players, his coach and
the Chicago media into thinking he’s
dispensable to the Bears; but if he can’t
much this season, the Bears may be
cr off.

They don’t need a ham with a hanı-
burger shoulder as quarterback. With
their defense, all they need is a physically
sound, reasonably intelligent quarterback
such as Mike Tomczak or Jim Harbaugh.
The running game, with Walter Payton
and Neal Anderson, and the defense will
take care of the rest.

Mitch Johnson
Lansing, Michigan

Jim MeMahon’s importance to the
Bears is being blown way out of propor-
tion. When the Bears won the Super Bow!
in 1986, they had a great opportunistic
defense and an average offense. When
McMahon was lost in the middle of the
1985-1986 scason, Steve Fuller replaced
him and won six consecutive games. 1
don’t have anything against McMahon,
but he isn’t the key to the Bears’ success;
the defense is.

Patrick A. Idowu
Logan, Utah

Your 1987 Pro Football Forecast is very
well written but comes to some wrong con-
clusions. Even if Jim McMahon has the
best season of any quarterback who ever
played tlie game (unlikely, considei
condition of his shoulder), the Chicago
Bears will not win the Super Bowl.

Cole is right when he predicts that the
best National Football Conference teams
аге going to keep winning until thc Ameri-
can Football Conference teams learn how
to play the shove-the-ball-down-your-
throat defense. Well, I believe that this
season, we'll be looking at one of the most

perfect throat-stulfing football teams i
N.F.L. history: the Seattle Seahawks.
They have signed Brian Bosworth, who,
according to some N.F.L. scouts, is the
most talented linebacker since Dick
Butkus. With All-Pro safety Kenny Easley
it's going to be hard to score
against the Seahawks. So all your readers
who believe in easy money ought to bet on
them, not on the Bears,
Matthew Lankford

rginia Beach, Virginia

TELLER VS. HARPO?

I would like to comment on your 20
Questions featuring Penn and Teller ii
your September issue. I hope Teller real-
izes that people don't compare him to
Harpo Marx just because he doesn’t speak
during parts of his stage act. There are
other obvious similarities: Like Tell
Harpo was an athletic comedian who often
performed prestidigitatorial antics (wit-
ness the endless supply of silverware up
his sleeve in Animal Crackers). Teller also
looks a bit like Harpo and uses facial
expressions similar to those Harpo used.
It seems to me that his argument about
Harpo's “happy” presence vs. his own
“malevolent” presence is an attempt to
mask his fear that perhaps he is being
accused of stealing from Harpo, or is the
result of insecurity from being compared
to a past comic giant. Teller really
shouldn’t worry; he has demonstrated on
the stage and in films his remarkable уег-
salility. He should also keep in mind the
fact that Marcel Marceau has never re-
sented being compared to Stan Laurel.

James O'Malley
Gillette, New Jersey

BOND FOR GLORY

Congratulations on your James Bond
pictorial (25 Years of James Bond) in the
September Playboy. H: viewed the
25th anniversary special on TV (a major
disappointment to a Bond fan), I have to
say that yours contains more information.
Of course, after my friends read the cap-
tions, | won't be winning many more

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PLAYBOY

drinks by naming Bonds. Most people
can't remember George Lazenby, let alone
name David Niven as the superspy. Hav-
ing viewed the latest 007 movie, I think
тофу Dalton’s portrayal brings Ian
Fleming’s Bond back home. Гт sure that
alter four or five more movies, we will be
worrying about Dalton’s replacement.
Rick Porambo
Clearwater, Florida

I admired your September tribute to the
Women of 007 —with one major exception.
You have done many of us a majestic dis-
service in excluding Diana Rigg. Having
recently returned from London, where I
enjoyed the avenging alter ego ol Mrs. Peel
as she starred in the musical Follies, 1 can
assure you that there is more than one re-
gal Diana in England these days. Sexy?
She is, indeed. Licensed to thrill? Without
a doubt. At least the attractive Maryam
d'Abo recognizes her talented predecessor.

Mark McPherson
Grosse Ile, Michigan

Enjoyed your salute to James Bond in
the September issue. One thing I would
like to point out, however: In your pictori-
al Women of 007, you mistakenly credit
French actress Corinne Clery as Hugo
Drax's helicopter pilot in Moonraker. That
part was played by Caroline Munro. Just
to set the record straight, you understand

Colin L. McKenney
Northglenn, Colorado

This longtime Playboy reader and Bond-
ophile really enjoyed Women of 007. How-
ever, a correction is in order.

It was Molly Peters (not Claudine
Auger) who administered the Thunderball
massage to Sean Connery. Astute fans
may recall Miss Peters for the impression
she left on a steamy shower-stall door dur-
ing a torrid postexercise encounter with
007 in that film.

Mark Tourin
Bronx, New York

We're batting 500 here, fans. Hugo
Drax's helicopter pilot in “Moonraker” was
Corinne Clery, not Caroline Munro, as read-
er McKenney suggests. Munro played Naomi
in “The Spy Who Loved Me.” According to
Charles “Jerry” Juroe, longtime publicist for
the Bond films, however, reader Tourin is
correct. We had assumed, erroneously, that it
was the auburn-tressed Auger, "Thunder-
ball's” principal female star, who was depict-
ed in the movie poster, though the blonde
Peters actually administered the rubdown in
the film.

MATURE MEMORIES

Hey, guys, you forgot about me—in the
September Dear Playboy, you mention old-
er women you have featured, including
Vikki La Motta and Kathy Shower, but
you forgot to mention Meet the Mrs.
(Playboy, May 1983).

I was 36 then, am 41 now and am proud
to have been a part of Playboy. | have two

sons, ages 18 and 16, and a beautiful 12-
year-old daughter. Gall me when I’m 50
and ГИ look even better!

Here’s how I look оп an '87 Porsche cal-
endar I posed for recently—further proof
that older women are great!

Marilyn Griffin
Mrs. Oklahoma 1980
Tulsa, Oklahoma

HYPNOTIC HELMUT
The king of kink, Helmut Newton, has
hypnotized me once again. His photo of
the heavenly Rebecca Ferratti and Ven-
ice Kong in Helmut Newton’s Playmates
(Playboy, September) is absolutely trance-
inducing and mouth-watering!
Michael A. Correa
Mount Vernon, New York

FAWNCIFUL THINKING.

Including Lieutenant Colonel Oliver
North and Fawn Hall in The Great Ameri-
can Sexy Scandal Quiz (Playboy, Septem-
ber) is really a cheap Shot. Whether you
like Colonel North or not, nothing has ever
come to light to indicate that he and his
secretary at any time had anything other
than an on-the-job boss-and-employee re-
lationship. While I am not a prude and see
nothing wrong with the rest of your quiz, I
feel that your quizmaster had to scratch
pretty deep and twist а few facts to come
up with five items out of 42 that related
even remotely to North and Hall and sex.

Incidentally, it seems that whoever
printed Colonel North’s picture on page 91
reversed the negative. Medals are worn on
the left side of a military uniform, not on
the right side, as shown.

Lt. Col. Charles F. Gies
U.S.A.F. (Ret.)
Silver Spring, Maryland

Somewhere near the beginning of our press
run, we caught and corrected the error.
Colonel North's medals appeared on the left
side of his uniform in most copies of our Sep-
tember issue. A few magazines containing the

vein,

photo of the reversed negative were distribut-
ed; it seems you have one of them.

AMOUR DU PAPILLON:

It seems, from the letters you publish,
that your readers read everything in
Playboy except The Playboy Advisor: 1 can’t
remember your ever publishing a letter of
commendation to Senior Staff Writer
James R. Petersen, who writes the Advisor
column. So let me break the silence. Pe-
tersen spoke at my college last year and
was witty, wise and informative, just like
his column. Lately, the Advisor has been
ona roll when it comes to sexual informa-
tion, thanks to the guys who've written in
to describe their variations on the Venus
butterfly in the March, June, August and
September issues. This technique and its
variations have singlehandedly resuscitat-
ed my relationship with my girlfriend of
five years. If more men were taught to do
the Venus butterfly, I'm sure there would
be fewer divorces.

Watson Jones
Los Angeles, California

FOLLICULATED FANCIES
Nance Mitchell's Hair Apparent
(Playboy, September) is the first article I
have read, including those in medical
magazines, that spells out the positive and
negative aspects of the newest rage for
balding pates, minoxidil. Quite а fine arti-
cle. Playboy, as usual, keeps us up to date
оп everything from head to toc.
Bruce W. Cave
Phoenix, Arizona

HEARTBREAKER, DREAM MAKER
Miss September, Gwen Hajek, bears the
closest resemblance to the girl of my
dreams that I’ve ever seen. She definitely
gets my vote for Playmate of the Year.
Would requesting another look at Gwen be
too much to ask?
Pete Kirk
St. Catharines, Ontario
Not at all, Pete. How's this view?

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PLAYBOY

CHANCES ARE YOU WEREN'T

AN EXPERI WHEN

YOU FIRST PICKED OUT

YOUR CONDOM.

A little red-faced
perhaps, but you went
ahead and chose it.

You called ка
rubber (or worse). And
no teenage wallet was
complete without one.
ut you've changed
y a lot since then, and so
has the condom
The Today'condom
is just what it says it is.
A condom for today.
ts contoured, for
comfort.
ts passed strength
tests way beyond the
accepted standards, for
reliability.
ts ultra-thin, for
sensitivity.

And its available
either non-lubricated,
or with a standard or

spermicidal lubricant

Your old condom
was fine, believe us.

But that was then.
= And this
9 is Today.

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

HOT JOLT
Sure, its label boasts that it contains

“all the sugar and twice the cafleine" of

regular cola, and diehards swill it while
they crunch for finals; but evidently, Jolt
cola isn't enough for the surfers at Fry's
Market in Newport Beach, California
The beach blondies there cram Fire Stix, a
sticky cinnamon-flavored sugar candy, in-
to a can of Jolt, shake it up until the candy
dissolves and then slurp the mixture
down. We figure that must be where those
T-shirts originated. You know—the ones
that say, LIFES A BEACH AND THEN YOU DIE.

ROOTS, PART II

We dof our hats to New Republic colum-
nist Michael Kinsley, who dedicated his
latest book, Curse of the Giant Muffins and
Other Washington Maladies (Summit), to
his parents. “Any factual errors or lapses
judgment are strictly their fault,” he
writes. Uh-huh, and the dog ate your
homework, right, Mike?

BARRISTER BOUTIQUE

With top law firms now shelling out
$60,000 annual salaries to new law school
grads, it’s no wonder that a legal boutique,
The Law Source, has premiered in the
heart of Chicago’s downtown attorneys”
row. In addition to the traditional weighty
legal tomes, the shop offers, among other
sundries, an anatomically correct model
of male genitalia for dramatic courtroom
demonstrations and T-shirts imprinted
with the scales of justice. The Law Source
plans new shops in Los Angeles, New York
and the District of Columbia. And after
that? Maybe a line of underwear—legal
briefs?

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP

Reid Fleming, World’s Toughest Milk-
man, is a comic-book hero—or is that
antihero? According to his boss down at
Milk Inc., he’s someone who was born “on
the wrong side of bed.” Fleming is a

grouch, plain and simple. He picks fights,
he insults little old ladies, and nary a kind
word passes his lips.

Regardless, a Fleming cult has blos-
somed since the 1980 publication of his
first comic book, by Vancouver cartoonist
David Boswell. That’s why it’s big news to
Fleming fanatics that Eclipse Comics is
publishing a Reid Fleming series four
times а year, which is as often as Boswell
can produce enough of the strange, heavily
crosshatched drawings for a book. Boswell
claims he doesn't know what's next for
Fleming, but we know we'd pay six bucks
to see Jack Nicholson play him in a movie.

CATCH A WAVE

New Age music, the stuff that has been
described as “ear pudding,” is no longer
purely a staple of Yuppie dinner parties—
now it’s on the radio almost everywhere.

The Satellite Music Network has

started beaming a New Age radio format,
called The Wave, to markets across the
U.S. The Wave is a foamy meringue of
soft rock, jazz and New Age in which

Suzanne Vega and Sting segue into Pat
Metheny and George Benson or into such
New Agers as Andreas Vollenweider and
Suzanne Ciani.

The Wave started last February, when
veteran rock-radio programers Howard
Bloom and Frank Cody dismantled Los
Angeles’ legendary album-rock outlet
KMET, firing the on-air staff in favor of an
untried d.j.less format on the rechristened
KTWV, The Wave

Instead of d.j.s, the station—and now
the network—provides a toll-free phone
number to listeners who want to identify
the music. It is, alter all, “а mood service,
more than a radio station,” according to
director of programing Cody.

Advertisers like The Wave, because it
appears to deliver, according to Bloom,
the most prized demographic segment of
the population: 25- to 54-year-olds, who
make up the most numerous, wealthy
group in America. That, says Bloom, is
“where the money is.”

While we were mulling over just how
much of the Bloom/Cody hoopla was
hype, we got word that the widely respect-
ed radio consultants Burkhart/Abrams
have taken the cue from The Wave's suc-
cess and become consultants for their own
string of New Age stations. “Seeing The
Wave work in a market the size of L.A. has
definitely taken people from ‘I don't know"
to ‘Yeah, maybe this is the way to go,”
Lee Abrams. Still, we wonder, What’s
going to happen to all the d.j.s who get
fired? Maybe they'll become radio-pro-
graming consultants.

BIG BUST

After one week of schooling, the current.
class of the Arizona Task Force on Mari-
{чапа Eradication got a dose of on-the-job
training. Some 50 armed narcs raided
three homes near tiny Arivaca, where
surveillance had indicated that marijuana
was growing. At the first home, they found
a greenhouse full of tomato plants—no
marijuana. At the second terget, more
tomatoes—no boo. At the third, they

RAW

DATA

just couldn't eat
enough to throw up.
as much as Га like:

Sarl-Eduard
ler, East |
Germanys chief of ®
televised commen-
tary, after viewing a! ^]
ncws dip of a diplo-
mat praising West
Germany

SHOPPERS.

Average amount of
time an American
adult spends shop-
ping each week: six
hours. In

Average amount of
time spent reading
cach weck: onc hour,

Percentage of
Americans who visit
a regi shopping.
mall weckly: 70.

Average number of times a weck an
‚American visits a neighborhood shop-
ping center, two; goes grocery shop-
ping, two.

Japan.

.
Percentage of a shopping mall's cus-
tomers who are malc: in 1987, 33; in
181, 25.
.
Percentage of people who visit a тай
with no specific purchase in mind:

харс of American college
freshmen who wished to develop a
meaningful philosophy of life: in 1967,
82.9; in 1986, 40.6.

Percentage ol freshmen who wished
to become financially well off: in 1966,
43.8; in 1986, 73.2.

Percentage who considered them-

selves to be on the political left: in 1966,

in 1986, 20.

Percentage who felt they were above
average in terms of popularity: in 1966,

FACT OF THE MONTH

alifornia, a ton of rice
sells for $180. But in Japan, it

Is for around $2000. Before
you set up your import-export
- company, though, be warned:
The Japanese government for-
bids importation of rice into

31.9; in 1986, 44.3.

JOCK WATCH

Percentage of all
entering freshmen
who eventually grad-

Percentage of stu-
dent athletes who
graduate from the
same universities:
62.6.

Percentage of male
basketball and foot-
ball players and gym-
nasts who graduate:
50.

Percentage of fe-
male college basket-
ball players who
graduate: 75.

Percentage of fe-
male cross-country
runners who graduate: 50.

5НГ 1ТЕ INFOTAINMENT

Number of television sets in Iran,
2,100,000; number of VCRs, 380,000.
Population of Iran: 45,191,000.

б
The year of lran's first televised
broadcast: 1958.
Percentage of Iranian TV program-
ing that is domestically produced: 90.
Percentage of religious programing,
12; of news and information, 20; of en-
tertainment, 25; of advertising, 0.

б
Number ofradios in Iran: 7,500,000.
Percentage of Iranian religious radio

programing, 8; of entertainment, 6; of

news and information, 20.

.
Number of Iranian fcaturc films pro-

duced in 1985 and 1986: 33.

Number of movic theaters in Iran,

398; in the United States, 20,000.

FUNNIES

Ages of comic heroes: Dick Tracy,
56; Brenda Starr, 47, Mickey Mouse
(comic strip), 59; Buck Rogers, 59; Su-
perman, 49; and Batman, 48.

found a naked woman out for a walk—but
по weed. The DEA had assembled the at-
tack squad and organized the raiding par-
ty in corjunction with the Federal Law
Enforcement Training Center in Mai
Arizona. The empty-handed narcs report-
edly wore caps with the slogan ARIZONA
WEED WARRIORS, CUT 'N* BURN, 1987 TASK FORCE.
We're thinking of writing to them for to-
mato recipes.

PAWN CHECK

Cash America Investments, Inc., a Fort
Worth-based pawnshop chain, has begun
selling stock to the public, and it looks like
a growth industry—at least in Texas,
where 1000 pawnbrokers now do business,
compared with 200 20 ycars ago. But New
York State boasts only 35 brokers, 12 of
them in New York City. Why the differ-
ence? Texas allows pawnbrokers to charge
as much as 20 percent in monthly interest,
while New York limits them to three per-
cent. Atany rate, Cash America shares have
fluctuated between $11 and $16 a pop.

WHAT KIND OF MAN...

When Kim Wilson, singer and
composer of the Fabulous Thunderbirds,
was asked where he found the inspiration
for his lyrics, he promptly answered, “Fe-
males and топсу and the surplus or lack
of both.”

JUST SAY NEIGH

Researchers at the University of Penn-
sylvania report that the use of anabolic
steroids on race horses is causing mating
problems among stallions. The horses are
uninterested in sex, cannot achicve a prop-
er erection or cannot ejaculate. Apparent-
ly, they respond well to behavior therapy
and the administration of antidepressants
or anti-anxicty drugs. The dud-stud prob-
lem could cost the racing business plen-
ty—its economy is dependent upon the
horses’ ability to breed

MODERN LOVE 1987

Our source swears that this story is true:
А guy who worked as a sales rep for a busi-
ness-machines company managed 10 stay
in close touch with his wife from the road.
Every night, she was home to answer his
phone calls, or so it seemed, Eventually,
though, hc learned he'd been duped by
progress—namely, Call Forwarding. His
wile had been forwarding her calls to the
site of her nightly assignations. Here’s
what we don’t understand—if he was
away, how come she had to leave home?

FORE SKIN

The Rockford, Illinois, cop accused of
taking off his pants during the annual po-
lice-department golf outing last summer
has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct.

farli Aongo” Peterson, 30, al-
legedly played several holes of golf with-
out pants. His score is unavailable.

I'll change the way you. bokat m

Ву BRUCE WILLIAMSON

ох THE HONORS list of movies that really
matter, reserve a top spot for Cry Freedom
(Universal), from producer-director Rich-
ard Attenborough. Picking the right high-
minded subject at the right time may be
the secret of Attenborough's success. In
another fruitful collaboration with writer
John Briley, whose screenplay
of Gandhi's eight Oscars,
mounts an epic, enthralling adaptation of
two books by Donald Woods about his
dangerous friendship with Stephen Biko, a
young Bantu leader who died in jail in
1977 after uth Alrica's
ruthless security police. Writing about the
Biko tragedy made Woods, a white news-
paper editor, an officially banned person
under constant surveillance. How he
smuggled his family of six to safety and
managed to fice his native land, disguised
as a priest, is the spine of the story. Аз
Woods, Kevin Kline delivers his best
screen performance ever, with some ultra-
sensitive counterpoint by Penelope Wilton
as his angry but steadlast wife. Playing
Biko, Denzel Washington (of TV's St.
Elsewhere) is also superb. The huge sweep
of eyents in incendiary South Africa before
and after the Soweto massacre of 1976
gives Cry Freedom emotional validity de-
spite Attenborough's sometimes clunky,
too-literal style. 105 not a great picture,
but it is a great escape drama, with а pas-
sionate one-two punch of tim
bashing the fascist monster known as
apartheid. Rest assured there be no
gala premiere in Pretoria, where Woods
and his works remain prohibited. ¥¥¥¥
.

Her portrayal of a weathered back-
woods woman in Shy People (Gannon
brought Barbara Hershey a best-actre:
award at this year’s Cannes Film Festival.
Hershey is fine, and so are the misty im-
ages of the Louisiana bayou country
caught by cinematographer Chris Menges
(an Oscar winner for The Killing Fields).
‘The rest is ridiculous and all but incom-
prehensible hokum, with Jill Clayburgh
obviously swamped by her role as a Cos-
mopolitan magazine writer doing a story
about her own family roots. From a
screenplay that would be fogbound in any
language, Russian director Andrei Kon-
chalovsky has thrashed out some laugh-
able drivel involving the hicks, half-wits
and disadvantaged types who are said to
be the Cosmo author's kin. If you're tempt-
ed by such backwater sociology, stop to
consider that wrestling an alligator might.
be more fun. Y

ess—

Mixing the New York punk scene with
wild-West hoss opera is a risky proposi-
tion. In Dudes (New Century/ Vista), direc-
tor Penelope Spheeris loses more than she

Kline exults in Cry Freedom.

Star turns by Kevin
Kline, Barbara Hershey
and Marcello Mastroianni.

wins while wooing her target audience
presumably a bunch who are young, rest-
less and wear Mohawk haircuts. Jon Cryer
and Daniel Roebuck play two California~
bound freaks on a quest for vigilante jus-
tice out West after a chum has been wasted
by murderous road warriors. All of which
leads to a highway duel between the lads’
battered VW bug and a black van,
stops with a gas-station gamine (Catherine
Mary Stewart), occasional rescue missions
by a shadowy phantom cowboy, along
with a barrage of music by Sting, The
Vandals, The Little Kings and others of
that ilk. Get the picture? I didn’t. Dudes is
different, for sure, but its mini-macho fan-
tasies finally go thud, courtesy of unin-
spired casting and overkill. YY
.

The bestactor award at Cannes '87
went to Marcello Mastroianni as a charm-
ing, indolent nc'er-do-well in Dark Eyes (Is-
land). Mastroianni’s masterly buffoonery
makes the show, fresh proof—as if any
were needed—that he is a genius at reveal-
ing human frailty to a movie camera. Dark
Eyes presents him as a sad but exuberant
old faker telling a cruise-ship companion
about his three long-lost loves of yes-
teryear—the beautiful rich woman he
married (Silvana Mangano), his bold, be-
mused mistress (Marthe Keller) and the
young Russian matron (Elena Sofonova)
whom he wanted most of all. Sumptuously
filmed in Italy and the U.S.S.R. by Rus-
sian director Nikita Mikhalkov, Dark Eyes
is a series of flashbacks, exquisite and
drawn like a fine, fruity old wine from the

short stories of Anton Chekhov
fashioned fiction holds few surprises but
leaves a highly agreeable aftertaste. VY

One long, hot weekend of nonstop extra-
marital scx gamcs turns into a nightmarc
for the New York lawyer played with tight-
jawed intensity by Michael Douglas in Fo-
tal Attraction (Paramount). Glenn Close is
dynamic as the blonde psycho who re-
sponds to rejection by launching a reign of
terror, and Anne Archer makes the most
of her largely passive role as the chas-
tencd philanderer’s wife. Some predictable
glitches in plotting are swept aside by
director Adrian Lyne (whose previous
movies range from Flashdance to 9⁄2
Weeks) in a sleck and scary grown-up
shocker cleverly disguised as а nouveau-
chic sermon on the wages of sin. ¥¥¥

Director Rob Reiner recruited a slew of
talented friends to fool around in The
Princess Bride (Fox), a fairy-tale romance
adapted by William Goldman from a
prankish novel he wrote some years ago
On film, the mischief gets under way with
Peter Falk's reading a bedtime story to his
hip grandson (ten-year-old Fred Savage.
who looks disconcertingly like a miniatur-
ized Jay Leno). “Hold it, hold it," cries
indignant tyke as Falk begins. “Is
kissing book?" The answer is yes,
Princess Bride recounts the dopey n
ventures of a beautiful princess named
Buttercup (Robin Wright) and а princely
lowborn youth named Westley (Cary El-
wes) who woos her but loses her to an
amoral prince (Chris Sarandon). Mandy
Patinkin, as a fighting soldier of fortune,
Wallace Shawn, as a vicious kidnaper,
Christopher Guest, as an evil count, and
Billy Crystal, as an ancient, madcap wiz-
ard, Miracle Max, are among the forces
for good or evil unlcashed by Reiner with
airy disregard for traditional kid stuff.
Laughs arc what he's after, and Bride, de-
spite а few clinkers, is the kind of broad,
handsome, rollicking and irreverei
e that Mel Brooks might envy. ¥¥¥

His natural film sense is seldom en-
hanced by first-rate screenplays, so direc-
tor Abel Ferrara's reputation rests on such
stylish B-movie schlock as Ms. 45 and Fear
City. New York's his turf, and in China Girl
(Vestron), Ferrara explores sex, violence
and racial enmity between neighboring
youth gangs on Manhattan's Lower East
Side. Two pretty new faces, Sari Chang, as
‘Tyan-Hwa, and Richard Panebianco, as
‘Tony Monte, play the star-crossed lovers,
each with a roughneck sibling to create
panic in the streets. The movie too often
resembles West Side Story shorn of ti
home tunes and choreography, yet Ferrara
and writer Nicholas St. John do offer some
interesting side lights on the ruthless but

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superior to their overseas competitors, over.
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б
Seeing Los Angeles through а glass
darkly has been a carcer for roustabout
poet-novelist Charles Bukowski, whose
screenplay for Barfly (Cannon) recalls his
own carly years as a writer on the sauce
and on the skids in La La Land. The hack-
ncyed notion that there is some intrinsic
nobility in characters who drink them-
selves blind instead of joining the ninc-to-
five ratrace obviously beguiles French
dircctor Barbet Schrocder, but Gallic film
makers habitually relish Stateside slum-
ming on any pretext. Actors enjoy letting
their hair down, too, and Barflys premium
hams are Faye Dunaway and Mickey
Rourke. Both have lots of seedy scenery to
chew, with booze and sex for chasers, plus
barroom brawls bet n binges—his with
a muscular barkcep (Frank Stallone, Sly’s
look-alike brother) who periodically beats
him to a pulp, hers a claws-out caterwaul
with a literary editor (Alice Krige) whose
talent search takes her pretty far afield. In
the cinematic scheme of things, the movie
doesn’t amount to much more than ап act-
ing exercise, but it’s always a pleasure
to see thoroughbreds put through their
paces, even on a muddy track. Dunaway's
disheveled glamor is a sight for bleary
eyes, and Rourke is hardly recognizable as
the shambling, unshaven slob who picks
her up because he likes her antisocial atti-
tude. Although it's doggedly downbeat,
Barfly slips us a:Mickey more potent than
any maverick he has played since Body
Heal and Diner. ¥¥¥%2
P
Mikhail Baryshnikov gets Dancers (Can-
non) soaring with a lushly photographed
and breath-takingly performed version of
the ballet classic Giselle. Baryshnikov's
supple, sexy partner in the ballet's title
role is Alessandra Ferri. Leslie Browne
and Julie Kent play other ambitious bal-
lerinas. All are beautiful as well as gifted,
and they seem to swirl on tiptoe through
the tedium of the plot. Pay no attention to
it. Something about a womanizing ballet
superstar who's in Rome to make a movie
of Giselle and habitually makes out with
the comelier members of his company.
Не’; a heartbreaker, yes; but a bit of dal-
liance seems obligatory for a ballerina on
her way up. Director Herbert Ross, who
ablished Barvshnikov's movie-star cha-
risma in The Turning Point, should have
scrapped Giselle's romantic bubble wrap
and filmed the ballet as is, minus all the
movic-within-a-movie fluff. This way,
Dancers plays like a sappy half-hour ту
soap, with а masterpiece tacked on for
good measure. УУМ

Bette. Davis, Lillian Gish, Ann Sothern
and Vincent Price arc a scintillating quar-
tet of cinematic senior citizens who have
richly earned the right to do just about
anything they please. The Whales of August

Rourke, Dunaway boozing in Barfly.

Rourke, Dunaway bum around
and ham it up in Barfly;
Barkin deserves better than Siesta.

(Alive), their recent group activity, direct-
ed by Lindsay Anderson, looks as though
Andrew Wyeth had painted it—the rocky
Maine seascape, the bleak old house on a
bluff, even its crusty inhabitants. Davis
and Gish are the resident sisters (Sothern
and Price merely drop by to visit), dear
old things whose most urgent problem, at
the time we encounter them, is whether or
not to install a large bay window. They
finally decide they will, but not until they
have doddered through a duet of grande
dame tics and crotchets, plainly guided by
‘on-with-the-show instincts that age
not wither. Га call Whales the movie
equivalent of “over the river and through
the woods to Grandmother’s house we
0." Y'A

.
Anyone who can explain the muddled
subtext of Siesta ( Lorimar) in 100 words or
less deserves tickets to a much better
movie. Ellen Barkin, wearing a bright-red
dress—and shortly to be wearing nothing
at all—wakes up at the end of an airport
runway in Spain, penniless and emotional-
ly distraught. Scems her life is a mess,
though she may not actually be alive at all.
Besides, she’s an acrial stunt person who's
booked to parachute out of a plane over
Death Valley on July fourth, only a few
days hence. Ponder that for symbolism.
Barkin does, while moving in body or s
it from Martin Sheen to Gabriel Byrne to
Julian Sands, and from bed to worse. Jodie
Foster has the most seductive secondary
role, while Isabella Rossellini looks as
though she might have wandered onto the
wrong film set. The cast is stellar, but even
at its sexiest, this surreal psychodrama is
gloom-inducing—born to snooze. ¥

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Barfly (Зее review) Bottoms up, and
let's drink to star power. Wh
The Big Easy (9/87) Quaid's the bent
cop, Barkin his conscience. WIA
Costaway (11/87) A man and a woman
on an island, with lots of hang-ups but
almost nothing to wear. Ww
China Girl (See review) East meets West
in Manhattan. vv
Cry Freedom (See review) Exhilarating
escape from South Africa. УУУУ
Dancers (Sce review) Tired story but а
big bonus named Baryshnikov. ¥¥¥%
Dark Eyes (Sce review) Here’s looking at
you, Marcello. Magnifico. yyy
Dudes (Scc review) Punks go West. YY
Fatal Attraction (Зее review) Hell to pay
for a steamy one-night stand. yyy
The Fourth Protocol (10/87) Cold War
kicks, with Pierce Brosnan as a K.G.B.
man licensed to kill. yy
Hamburger hill (11/87) Morc blood and
guts. Bring back Platoon. Y
Hope and Glory (11/87) John Boorman's
genial recollections of World War Two
Brits during thc blitz УУУХ
House of Games (11/87) Mamct drama,
too mannered but mesmerizing. УЖ
In the Mood (11/87) WW II nostalgia for
a sexually precocious teen. E
Jean de Florette (8/87) Yves Montand
triumphs in a French cla: УУУХ
The Living Daylights (9/87) A brand-new
007 powers the Bond wagon. — ¥¥¥¥
Matewan (11/87) Rustic poctry about
the mine wars, by John Sayles. — УЗУ
Maurice (11/87) Boy meets boy in a bit-
tersweet Cambridge romance. yyy
No Woy Out (10/87) More Washington,
3., corruption, defily played by Kev-
iner, Gene Hackman. wy
Orphans (11/87) Finney at his peak in a
tingling tour de force. УУУУ
The Princess Bride (Scc rcvicw) Rob Rei-
ner’s latest movie magic. yyy
RoboCop (10/87) Hcavy-mctal man with
a head on his shoulders. wm
Shy People (Sce review) And plenty to ES
shy about, all in all.
Siesta (Sec review) Zzzzzzzzzz. 5
Slam Dance (11/87) Tom Hulce and
much ado about a murdered party

girl. Ww
Stacking (11/87) The one who really
makes hay is Christine Lahti. vv

Stakeout (Listed 11/87) Sprightly fun,
plus suspense, with girl-watching dicks
Dreyfuss and Estevez. vvv
Street Trash (11/87) Barf time
Tough Guys Don't Dance (11/87) Mailer
should have sat this one out. у
The Whales of August (Sce review) А
slow, genial geriatric outing. ww

YYYYY Outstanding
УУУУ Don't miss ¥¥ Worth a look
¥¥¥ Good show Y Forget it

Quorum. А cologne Юг men.
Because there are women.

CHARLES М. YOUNG

THE FIRST THING you're going to notice
about John Cougar Mellencamp's The
Lonesome Jubilee (Mercury/PolyGram) is
that it doesn't sound like everything else.
This is because he's using a lot of folk in-
struments—such as the accordion and
hammered dulcimer—that have rarely
powered a rock riff. The resulting sound is
fresh and emotive and highly American,
more rock-folk than folk-rock.

‘The second thing you're going to notice
is that you can’t sing along with the catchy
melodies unless you sit down and do some
serious memorizing. Very few rhymes here,
and only a line or two will lend themselves
to a stadium chant а la U2 or Bruce
Springsteen. So we aren’t talking teen
anthems here, or Jack and Diane revisited.
We are talking about approaching middle
age and wondering if the emptiness so
many people feel has to do with the culture
as a whole or just with individual neu-
roses. Through the many characters who
populate his songs, Mellencamp argues
that the culture is the culprit, that the
economy is tearing families and friends
apart, that politicians are lying about why
it's happening and that it's noble to
remain truc to yourself in spite of it all.
Even with an occasional lapse into propa-
ganda, Mellencamp is the sort of artist you
want to take aside and argue with rather
than di 5 when he screws up. But most
of the time, he doesn’t screw up. Which
brings me to the third thing you'll notice:
Аз grand statements about the United
States go, The Lonesome Jubilee is damn
fine, both as metaphor and as album.

NELSON GEORGE

Touch and Go (Tommy Boy) is the Force
M.D.'s best effort ever, and it's one of the
best pop albums of the year. It shrewdly
balances this quartet’s unique talents.
They can rap and break dance as well as
any of today’s young black vocal groups,
but these guys can also harmonize and
glide across stages with Temptationesque
finesse. In short, the Force M.D.'s are hip-
hop/doo-wop. This album, especially side
one, is masterly pop that fulfills the cross-
generational potential. Love Is a House is а
skillful transfer of Jimmy Jam and Terry
Lewis (that duo produced the Force
M.D.'s hit Tender Love) keyboard riffs to a
pretty melody with an car-catching title.
Would You Love Me? mixes brief snatches
of rap with a percolating, light funk
rhythm. Touch and Go and Couldn't Care
Less are supple mid-tempos on which the
Force M.D.’s recall the melancholy style of
Smokey Robinson and the Miracles over
state-of-the-art Eighties production.

On Wendy and lisa (Columbia), guitarist
Wendy Melvoin and keyboardist Lisa

Mellencamp rocks.

Cougar by a different
name and rap doctors
with mean cuts.

Coleman, the latest refugees from Prince’s
Minneapolis music factory, will surprise
those who thought they were musical
lightweights. All 11 cuts display agile, in-
telligent arrangements and outstanding.
command of their instruments. In fact,
White, a chuming funk instrumental domi-
nated by Lisa's sensuous keyboards and
Wendy's wah-wah guitar, is the album's
most compelling cut. Although their occa-
sionally stiff vocals may limit them as
recording artists, this distaff duo has the
musical chops and imagination to emerge
as important producers.

DAVE MARSH

Def Leppard spent four ycars making
Hysteria ( Mercury/PolyGram), and the сЁ
fort shows up not in strain but in sustained
musicality. Hysteria is ace hard-rock pro-
ducer Mutt Lange's most extravagant son-
ic expedition in several years; the group
wrote some real songs, and the result is
layers of vocals (not just shouts—actual
singing with a sense of pitch and dynam-
ics) balanced against Steve Clark’s smart-
ly turned guitar licks. This is one of the
best pop-metal albums of the decade.

Mostly, of course, you don’t want to
know about the band's lyrics; such titles as
Pour Some Sugar on Me, Run Riot and Ani-
mal tell their own tale. But even in this
area, Def Leppard has some tricks up its
sleeve, Gods of War is mostly barely accept-
able antiwar grunge ’n’ groan. But at
the end, the “antiterrorist” speeches of

Ronald Reagan and Margaret "Thatcher
are added to the mix, and suddenly, the
group's "What the hell we fightin’ for?”
makes a more substantial kind of sense.
And Def Leppard isn’t preaching to the
converted but to the kids who enlist. Gods
of War suggests verbally what the music
states throughout Hysteria: In Def Lep-
pard’s hands, heavy metal has become a
matter of passion again, not just the by-
product of bozos rubbing their guitars
together the hopes of conjuring up
something in fish-net hose.

Don’t get me wrong: It’s not that D.L.
isn’t hoping for similar results. It’s just
that the music makes you root for the
band. It’s been a while since there was
metal like that around.

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Marianne Faithfull attained her pop
moment with Jagger-Richards’ As Tears

GUEST SHOT

WHILE RECORDING his latest LP, “Got
Any Gum?" in Memphis, асе gui-
tarist Joe Walsh heard a new guy
named Jimmy Davis and liked him so
much he stuck around to play оп
Davis first LP, “Kick the Wall" (ОМИ
MCA). We asked Joe what he liked
about Jimmy.

“Jimmy reminds me of myself—
he'll still be around 20 years from
now working at his craft, a valid
spokesman for his gencration. We
old-timers have to hand over what's
left of the art form to young kids
about whom we have a gut feeling.
And in that context, I give him an
A-minus for his first try. My favor-
ite tracks are Kick the Wall, a male
summation of relationship frustra-
tions, the catchy Catch My Heart
and Over the Top, а top-quality
rocker. It doesn't matter that I
played on this one—I had to ask,
by the way. He didn't need me—he
holds up on his own. I also compli-
ment his band's musicianship and
suggest that (һе members not Бе
uncomfortable with the focus on
Davis. He deserves a quality sup-
port team. I salute them all. Good
luck, Jim. Ya donc good."

Get the flavor
ofthese leading brands,
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and "tar" levels from Feb.'85 ЕТС Report or by ЕТС method.

icoline av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Feb’85

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

Go By, achieved cult-heroine status with
her scabrous 1979 LP Broken English and
then settled into a formula that made cyni-
cism its subject and was favored by con-
noisscurs of rock divadom. On Strange
Weather (Island), producer Hal Willner
continucs that last trend by putting Faith-
full’s songwriting on hold and handing her
world-weary material, from Jerome Kern’s
Yesterdays to Hello Stranger, a new one by
the Doctors Pomus and John. Borrowing
backups from Tom Waits and Lou Reed,
Willner proves that pop realism can tran-
scend the blues tradition. Which is not
to say that the two are incompatible—
check out Faithfull’s a cappella Leadbelly
interpretation.

Sonic Youth came up in the postpunk
confusion of Los Angeles hard-core and
New York no wave. Dominated by hulki
guitarist Thurston Moore and crazed
bassist Kim Gordon, these seli-promoting
bohemian obsessives developed their brac-
ing guitar sound playing Glenn Branca's
"rock symphonies," then cultivated an
undisciplined-to-shapeless expressionism
that other bohemians find sexy. Me, Гус
never gone for Squeaky Fromme. But on
1986's ЕР Starpower and their new LP Sis-
ter (both SST, Box 1, Lawndale, California
90260), I hear the point. Gordon’s vocal
on the tranced-out breakdown Pacific
Coast Highway makes me understand why
some guys (and gals) get off on obsessives
Mostly, though, 1 like this record's
sound—and its shape, which permits this
skeptic to follow the sound through. Like
Strange Weather, it’s a respite [rom conven-
tional rock 'n' roll that can make a rock-
*n’-roller’s дау

VIC GARBARINI

R.E.M’s latest, Document (1.R.S.), lacks
the haunting melodies and solid hooks
that made last year’s Lifes Rich Pageant
such a commercial and artistic break-
through for these Athens, Georgia-based
cult favorites. But the scrappier, unvar-
nished approach displayed on Document
yiclds sufficient pleasures to compensate
for the lack of immediate accessibili
There's more thrash than chime in gui-
tarist Peter Buck’s neo-Byrdsian modali-
ties—R.E.M. is becoming а truly
muscular rock-n'-roll outfit. And while
enigmatic singer Michael Stipe's lyrics
about working-class realities are often

more mystifying than mystical, the galva-
nizing clarity of his vocals Ваз a resonance
and power that are undeniable. Exhuming
McCarthy reworks an old Smokey Robin-
son riff quite effectively, while It’s the End
of the World As We Know It borrows from
Dylan’s early rap stylings. But in its dark
yet unembittered reflections and its folk-
rock neotraditionalism, R.E.M. may well
become the Neil Young of the new Ameri-
can rock movement.

FAST TRACKS

| Grazu |! сава | | vens

Def Leppard
isan | Я | 5 5 | 7 | 8
Force M.D/s | | | 7 |
Touch and Са 3 S 9 5 5
La Bamba l | | |
(Sound track) Ji 6 Fi 4 74
John Cougar

Mellencamp
The Lonesome Jubilee 9 8 5 9
10,000 Maniacs | | |
їп Му Tribe 6 Ui 6 2

REELING AND ROCKING: Ozzy Osbourne County Redevelopment Agency is

plays a washed-up rocker making a
comeback in Penelope Spheeris' Seeing
Stars. The Monkees’ comedy-adven-
ture movie will be out next year. . . .
Alfre Woodard is said to be interested in
plaving the blues legend Elizabeth Cotton
in a film bio. . . . Harry Nilsson and Terry
Southern have written a screenplay
called Obits. . . . Madonna is interes!
g a movie about World War 7
correspondent Marguerite Higgins.
The Call's Michael Been will play John the
Baptist in Martin Scorsese’s The Passion.
NEWSBREAKS: A linc of rock home
videos called Rock and Roll Goldmine
will debut in January, Also included in
the series are The Soul Years, The British
Invasion and The San Francisco Sound.
The first tape will feature the Beatles,
Jimi Hendrix, The Who, Creom, Janis, the
Stones and Steppenwolf. . . . Tom Woits's
fall tour will be filmed for theatrical
and home-video releases. . . . Record
mogul Joe Smith's book We're Talking
Music will be out next year. It includes
200 interviews with recording artists,
cll as his own stories. Smith is vice-
pitol-EMI, but he spent
years at Warner Bros. . . . Look for a
lynyrd Skynyrd reunion tour. . . . Stevie
Wonder is working on a double concept
album that will be released in two
parts. . . - Aretha Franklin has recorded a
€ Gospel album at her late father's
Detroit church. . . . Showtime plans ап
hourlong TV special to celebrate 15-
land Records’ 25th anniversary, with
U2, Steve Winwood, Robert Palmer, Jethro
Tull, Joe Cocker, The Spencer Davis Group,
Bob Marley and the Wailers and even Cat
Stevens doing the honors. Also look for
a double album commemorating the
event. . . . A music scholarship for
young Hispanics has been set up in
memory of Ritchie Valens. The L.A

sponsoring the scholarship along with
Columbia Pictures, Coca-Cola and a
theater chain. . . . Don Johnson is work-
ing on a TV sitcom, Pop Rock, about a
rock star who leaves the music bi -
hind to raise а family. .
concert One World Fest
bly take place this month. Festival or-
ganizer Michael Aminian has rcccived an
offer to use Moscow's Olympic Stadi-
um. “It would have been ridiculous to
stage a One World Festival without the
Soviet Union," he said. The festival,
unofficially dubbed Live Aid Two, is
designed to raise awareness as much as
money. . . . Yet another piece of John
Lennon's life is being auctioned off in
London. An autographed draft of А
Spaniard in the Works, written on a
white envelope and two brown-paper
bags, is expected to bring in more than
$20,000. ... The Stones’ Ron Wood is
touring with Bo Diddley, playing large
clubs and ballrooms. . . . The Fat Boys
will tackle the gangster and horror
genres in their next two movies, but
don't get them mad. The three rappers
in the Joe Piscopo Miller Lite commer-
cial are not the Boys. “They asked us to
do the spot, but we turned them down.
What Miller has done is a total imi
tion.” . , . The power of music takes а
new twist: Van Morrison led a conscious-
ness-raising seminar in Britain this fall
called The Secret Heart of Music. .
Sibling rivalry? Prince's half sister Lorna.
is reportedly suing him, claiming that
he has stolen her song lyrics. She's not
mad at him, mind you; she just wants
her words back. OK, Prince? . . . For-
mer Wham!er George Michael will be in
your city in concert next summer.
And, finally, Christine McVie says her in-
spirations for song lyrics "come from
either the heavens or a good bottle of
wine.” — BARBARA NELLIS

"Iwas the night и Christmas
andallthroug h the house
not о, was stirring,

_ well, maybe just a little stirring,

To send a gift of Crown Royal, dial 1-800-238-4373. Voi id where prohibited.
©1986 SEACRAM DISTILLERS СО, N.Y. BLENDED CANADIAN WHISKEY» 80 PROOF

Ву THOMAS М. DISCH

READING А NEW Kurt Vonncgut novel is like
visiting a relative in another part of the
country, a gabby uncle you see only once
in a while. On some visits he'll be crusticr
than on others, or windier or more bril-
liant; but if you love him, the visit needs
no other reason than the sound of his voice
and the crackle of his wit. So it doesn’t
much matter to me that Vonnegut's latest,
Bluebeard (Delacorte), is not the satirical
tour de force that Galäpagos was; he’s still
my favorite uncle. Bluebeard takes the for
of an autobiography by a famous painter,
Rabo Karabekian, but it doesn’t take it
very seriously. Born in 1916 to Armenian-
refugee parents, Rabo has a life that is a
series of unlikely collisions with various
Vonnegut oddballs. He's apprenticed to a
sadistic Norman Rockwell type of painter,
stumbles into success as one of the first
abstract expressionists and achieves noto-
riety when his paintings self-destruct, hav-
ing been painted with Sateen Dura-Luxe
house paint. Rabo stops painting, marries
an heiress and keeps everyone guessing

to what he’s got locked up inside the barn
that used to be his studio. When the barn
door is finally unlocked, its secrets are nei-
ther amazing nor entirely believable. The
problem is that Vonnegut lacks a gut feel-
ing for painting. But Uncle Kurt is still
funny more often than not and full of his
usual curmudgeonly charm. Family mem-
bers will enjoy the reunion.

"Thomas Keneally's novel The Playmaker
(Simon & Schuster) is an account of the
first play to be performed on the continent
of Australia. The play was George Far-
quhar's comedy The Recruiting Officer, the
date was June 4, 1789, the cast was com-
posed of the newly arrived convicts of the
penal colony of Sydney Cove and the play
maker (director) of the title was Licu-
tenant Ralph Clark. Readers of The Fatal
Shore, Robert Hughes’s history of Aus-
пайа? founding felons, may recognize
Clark's name, for his journals were a ma-
jor source for Hughes's account of the
colony's carly, horrific years. As in thc
prize-winning Schindler's List, Keneally
shows himself to be a master of that most
difficult of all fictional forms, the “non-
fiction" historical novel, in which all the.
characters are real and nothing happens in
the plot that isn’t governed by document-
ed facts. That а story so stirring and dra-
matically well engincered should also be,
in essence, truc is a little spooky. The stage
on which Kencally sets his drama is, like
Shakespeare's, as wide as the world.

Toni Morrison’s Beloved (Knopf) is a
ghost story, but don't be put off by that
It’s also a first-rate historical novel that
ranges from antebellum Dixic to Recon-
struction Cincinnati. The basic plot is a

Biuebeard: Vonnegut's latest.

Visiting with Uncle Kurt;
books about headline makers
Arthur Miller and Kenneth Tynan.

close cousin to Uncle Tom’s Cabin's, with
a fugitve-slave heroine, Sethe, who can
casily take her place beside Harrict
Beecher Stowe's archetypal Eliza. Mor-
rison's greatest creation is the spectral
Beloved, Sethe's daughter, murdered in
infancy, who returns in adult form to
reclaim her mother's love; she's а super-
natural entity as real as your next-door
neighbor. Morrison writes in her own in-
vented vernacular, prose that is musical
without being highfalutin and as rich as
pecan pie. The book is heartbrcaking,
breath-taking, mind-boggling and soul-
satisfying. Read it.
.

Arthur Miller's real autobiography,
Timebends (Grove), covers the same span of
time and much the same rags-to-riches so-
cial territory as Vonnegut's book, but the
truth in this case is definitely stranger than
fiction. Miller grew up in south Harlem
when it was not yet 100 percent black. His
father, a coat manufacturer, was ruined by
the Depression, and Miller's youth took
the then common form оГа radical-activist
faith slowly eroded by history. Eroded but
never entirely destroyed; when the 34-
year-old Miller's plays АЙ My Sons and
Death of a Salesman carned him national
celebrity and he became a prime target for
the witch-hunters of the McCarthy era, he
responded by writing The Crucible, his
great barnstorming tragedy about the
Salem witch trials of 1692. Then he mar-
ried Marilyn Monroe. Rarely has life dealt
any potential autobiographer a royal flush
to match this, and Timebends actually does

justice to the richness of its material. For
most of its length, it has the density of a
good realistic novel. However, as he
rounds the bend into the Seventies, Miller
becomes impatient and querulous. “Aside
from Death of a Salesman,” he kvetches,
“every one of my plays had originally met
with a majority of bad, indifferent or
sneering notices. . .. I exist as a playwright
without a major reviewer in my corner."
He surely will not have the same experi-
ence as an autobiographer.
.

That a great writer who has led a head-
c-making life should produce а good
autobiography is not very surprising. That
the widow of a once-famous critic and the-
atrical wheeler-dcaler should produce a
vivid, loving and judicious biography of
her philandering spouse is a much greater
source of wonderment, but that is what
Kathleen Tynan has done in The Life of Ken-
neth Tynan (Morrow). Тупап died of em-
physema in 1980, at the age of 53, and his
obits dwelt on his notoriety more than on
his accomplishments: He was the first per-
son to use the word fuck on television and
was the creator of the long-running erotic
musical Oh! Calcutta! The obit writers
were not really to be blamed. Tynan's gen-
ius for self-promotion sometimes verged
on buffoonery (he sported mock-leopard-
skin tights in the uptight Fifties), but just
as often it was the flip side of courage. A
black belt in the art of invective, Tynan
was also a charismatic crusader for the two
causes he championed throughout his life:
a larger theater freed of the constraints im-
posed by genteel twits and dimwits and
sexual mores likewise loosened up. Tynan
succeeded so far in his first objective that
he was appointed literary manager of
Britain’s National Theatre and, from 1963
to 1973, working with Laurence Olivier,
revolutionized English-language theater.
In pursuit of his second objective, ‘Tynan
was a frequent contributor to Playboy.
Ironically, "Iynan the writer may not be
remembered so well or so long as Tynan
the celebrity, the subject of his second
wife's Life,

BOOK BAG

The Only Other Investment Guide You'll Ever
Need (Simon & Schuster), by Andrew To-
bias: Playboy's money-management maven
updates the update of his late-Seventics in-
vestment classic with new fiscally facile in-
formation. A great return for the money

Football by the Numbers 1987 (Prentice
Hall), by George Ignatin and Allen Barra:
Football fanatics, gird your loins. Thi
book, the second annual edition, is a tell-
all compilation of strengths, weaknesses,
trends and ratings for college and pro foot-
ball teams—everything for gridiron fans
but Super Bowl tickets.

У]

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ight situations and one that can make a brilliant difference in all your
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Ke the light.

SPORTS

Je o beat the spate of all-American
teams, I picked mine before the se:
son began, strictly on the basis of names. 1
don’t care whether or not these guys
played a down of football. Their names
alone make them standouts. I might add
that their plaques, rings, wrist watches,
sweaters and blankets are in the mail, un-
less my butler has fouled up again.

Keep in d that these all-Americans
are real people, listed on real rosters.

OFFENSE

Azizuddin Abdur-Ra’ Maryland,
split end. His name never surfaced during
the Iran/Contra hearings, but if it had, he
could have outrun Ollie North’s shredder.

Keith Jackson, Oklahoma, tight end. A
busy man between catching passes and
wondering who his next color man on
ABC will be. Still remembered for the
best quote of 86: “Гуе played on a nation-
al champion. I’ve been to the Orange
Bowl Im an all-American. I’m at
peace.”

Nacho Albergamo, LSU, lineman.
Beef, cheese, guacamole, beans, onions—
Nacho has it all.

Robbie Coffin, Stanford, lineman.
Known for his willingness to bury oppo-
nents. Faster than a funeral procession.

Bob Kratch, Iowa, lineman. Bruised
his way out of a Dickens tale, and now. .. .

Lance High, Dartmouth, lineman. At
6'6", he started off as the highest tackle in
the Ivy League and, at 265, one of the
widest.

Amosa Amosa, Hawaii, center. Served
in a coconut with a straw, he locks harm-
less enough, but nobody has ever been
able to drink more than two Amosas and
walk out of a bar.

Demetrius Brown, Michigan, quarter-
back. Not to be confused with Demetrius
Brown, the running back from Utah State,
or Demetrius Harrison, the linebacker
from North Carolina А&Т, or Demetrius
Bell, the tackle from San Diego State, or
Demetrius Zolatka, a doorman in my
building, but it seems obyious that this is
(all sing) the dawning of the age of
Demetri

Admiral Sydnor, Delaware, running
back. An old salt if there ever was onc,
a reliable flawop who handles pretty

п а heavy sea.

Hiawatha Berry, Georgia, running
back. Heap-big ball carrier who makes the
defense circle the wagons.

Ivy Joe Hunter, Kentucky, running

By DAN JENKINS

THE NAMES OF
THE GAME

back. We all remember his first hit single
back in the Sixties, Get Down, Baby, Get
Down.

Tom Tupa, Ohio State, kicker. Played
the tupa in the Buckeye band for two years
but kept misspelling Ohio in script and
became a kicker.

DEFENSE

Ulysses Slaughter, Southern Missis-
sippi, lineman. Inspired, no doubt, by
what Grant did to Vicksburg.

Tracy Rocker, Auburn, lineman. Be-
came a star in his own right after he left
Ivy Joe Hunter's group. Best known for
his album Roch Around the Wer.

Natu Tuatagaloa, California, lineman.
Virtually uninhabited since the last
H-bomb test. Located 1000 miles cast and
slightly south of Okinawa.

Doc Wise, Ncvada-Las Vegas, linc-
тап, They say thc kindly old Doc never.
should have sold the neighborhood drug-
store and tried to play football, not at his
age.

Mark Pimpo, Navy, lincbacker. Were it
not for this guy's toughness and ability,
there would be a lot of wisecracks about
his side line.

Heath Bobo, Oklahoma State, line-
backer. Heath rugged as they come, too.
You bet

Yepi Pauu, San Jose State, linebacker.
This completes the linebacker corps, and

if you can say the names fast—Pimpo,
Bobo, Pauu—you can converse with your
two-year-old child.

African Grant, Illinois, secondary. If
this guy gets the right kind of hit on
you, he'll knock you from Tanzania to
Swaziland.

Trent Croaker, Montana State, sec-
ondary. After he escaped from a Raymond
Chandler novel, he opened his own pri-
vate-cye agency and was last seen on the
trail of the Chinatown killer.

Thane Gash, East Tennessee State, sec-
ondary. A man of many lives. In his early
carcer, he succeeded Wyatt Earp as the
marshal of Dodge City. He later became a
noted dress designer. Most recently, he
to be the kingpin of a gang in
hinatown and, when last seen, was elud-
ing Trent Croaker in the dark alleys of Los
Angeles.

Falanda Newton, TCU, secondary.
Nobody personified the Motown sound
better than Falanda. We shan’t soon forget
his rendition of Heard 11 on the Defense.

SPECIAL AWARDS

Best name that didn’t make the first-
am offense: Stoney Polite, North Caro-
A&T, running back.

Best name that didn’t make the first-
team defense: Foot Daley, Arkansas
State, linebacker.

Coaching name of the усаг: Spike
Dykes, Texas Tech.

Yuppie name of the year: Kelly Skip-
per, Fresno State, running back.

Star Wars players of the year: Lance
Zeno, UCLA, guard, and Cosmo Curry,
running back, The Citadel.

Funkiest name of the year: Joe Funk,
Idaho State, wide receiver.

Mozart’s player of the year: Cedric
Figaro, Notre Dame, lincbacker.

Penicillin's player of the year: Tommy
Clapp, LSU, defensive end.

My plumber's player of the year: Sim
Drain, Oklahoma State, linebacker.

Headline writers’ player of the year:
Tony Cherico, Arkansas, nose guard.
How many battles of Cherico will be
fought, give or take a dozen?

Legal aid’s player of the year: Lawyer
Tillman, Auburn, wide receiver.

Retrospective award to one of the best
Names ever, any year, any sport: Car
Radio Murphy, who played last year at

Georgia.

WOMEN

N: that this is really what the
column is about, but 14 ycars ago,
when I was a slip of a girl living in Eng-
land, I fell (thud) in love and had my
heart broken for the first time. Oh, it was
awful; 1 was so seriously besotted, sure
that my feelings were returned, and then it
turned out that he was one of those guys
who make girls fall for them just to see if
they can do it. It was my first exposure to
this virulent species of tick, and I've never
totally recovered. In fact, we keep in
touch, John and Г. Saw each other recently

But mainly I went to England to see the
girls. Do you know that English girls are
the greatest? Not only are they crisp and
witty, with those rose-petal complexions,
and all completely mad, but they are
definite about things. No shilly-shallying,
no ambivalence; these girls give the most
complicated of human situations names.

“Well, did he have the boy disease?”
Felicity (brunette, stunning) demanded
when I related my travails with a certain
guy. We were cating spaghetti carbonara
in the magnificently cluttered kitchen of
Louisa’s house in Bayswater, the kind of
place where you go through the entrance
hall and suddenly think, Wait a minute;
wasn't that a Cézanne I just walked by?
Anyway, the boy discasc?

“You know," said Felicity, “when ev-
erything's just great and you're having а
wonderful time and then he suddenly be-
comes very weird and disappears. It's epi-
demic nowadays. I believe it was first
isolated by Natalia Schiffrin, who noticed
that if her friends were looking starry-cyed
and walking on air one week, they were
bound to be hollow-eyed, pale and listless
the next. Apparently, boys are being dis-
appointing in droves these days.”

“But why?” I wondered.

“No one knows,” Louisa (blonde, gor-
geous) said. “Perhaps it has something to
do with Chernobyl. Now, do we all want
chocolate and cream? Or shall we just
drink another bottle of wine?”

The next day, L called John, my neme-
sis. “Delightful that you're here,” he said
“Unfortunately, tonight I'm going to the
Hurlingham Club, tomorrow I'm off to
Regent’s Park and on Thursday it’s the
Lunch, I’m afraid.”

“Fuck you!” I cried. “You, the one who
broke my heart, can’t stop being posh for a
minute to sce me?” No, I didn't, really.
“Lunch will be lovely,” I said

“Fuck him,” 1 said to the girls. "I'm
not going."

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

SWINGING THROUGH
ENGLAND

“Со and be horrible to him, which will
make him fall madly in love," Felicii
said.

“Felicity is such a man,” Sue (Ursula
Andress look-alike) giggled
No, she's not; she's a woman," I said,
her breasts.
he's right. I am a man,” said Felicity
“But you don't know Will Wenham’s fa-
mous theory?” she asked me.

“Ius perfectly simple,” said Louisa.
“All women are girls, women or men. And
all men are men, boys or hairdressers.
Stop looking like a dead halibut.”

“You've lost me,” I said. “Give exam-
ples.”

“Sigourney Weaver is a man. Jane Fon-
da is a man. Diane Keaton is a girl id
Louisa. “Jessica Lange is a woman. Mel
Gibson is a boy. Clint Eastwood is a man.
Cary Grant was a hairdresser.”

“How dare you!” I said.

“No, it's perfectly OK. There's nothing
wrong with being а hairdresser, and it has
nothing to do with sexual orientation,”
said Felicity. “Very good people are hair-
dressers. Louisa’s father is a hairdresser,
and he’s a great man.”

“My father is not a hairdresser!” said
Louisa, shocked. “Му father is God.”

“Of course he said Felicity, “but
he's still a hairdresser. He knows about
color and clothes and cares if his hair's a
fright.”

“Perhaps he’s a creature,” said Sue.

Creatures, it seems, defy description
completely and are the best of all.

"He's a hairdresser,” said Felicity
"and thank God he is. Most men arc boys.
Men who are men are probably the best
but almost impossible to find.

“Whercas I, though female, am
definitely a man,” said Louisa, shifting
her gorgeous legs coquettishly. “I even
have the boy disease; that's how much of a
man 1 am. I get madly interested in some-
one, pursue him to the ends of the earth,
and the moment he shows some sort of
interest, I think, Hang on; I’m not sure 1
really like the way you wear your pin-
striped shirts all buttoned up, and the way
you breathe gets on my nerves. And I
leave him; I can’t help it.”

“You're a bunch of loonics," I declared.

“We're not; it's an exact science,” Sue
said. “We've studied it for years. We even
know that girls tend to have women for
daughters.”

“What am I?" I asked.

“You’re a woman.”

“Well, it's true, my mother was a girl.”

“You see, then,” said Louisa, “the more
you study this, the more your life will fall
into place.”

It did. I went to lunch. John recently
turned 40. His temples are graying. He
told me about his love life. “I'm involved
with an architect. She was married in May
1986. In June 1986, I kissed her in a gar-
den in Clapham. In January 1987, she left
her husband.”

“Апа now, of course, you don't want
her anymore.”

“Well, it is a bit of a problem.” He
creased his face into seriousness but
couldn't hide the gleam in his сус, and I
felt chilled. But then the light dawned.
You're a boy, I thought to myself. 1 can
see you in the sandbox, red face, poncy
little sailor suit and lollipop, only wanting
the other children's toys, taking them
away and then losing interest.

On the bus going home, the conductor
was tidying his receipts fussily; 1
such a hairdresser. So was the waiter at
the Indian restaurant who kept realigning
the glasses.

The day before I was to leave, a fel-
low phoned and offered me a trip to
St.-Moritz, where 1 would stay and be
pampered in the best hotel; he would
take care of everything.

A man, 1 thought, terrified.

[у]

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MEN

Ne lives in San Diego. Гуе never
met her, but I’ve talked with her by
phone and Гус seen pictures of her danc-
g. She’s a professional ballerina, slim
and blonde and long-legged and flexible.
Edible is a word that comes to mind.

She called. me the other day with a
present. “I loved your “Three to Get
Lucky’ column [Playboy August], Ace,”
she said. “You want me to tell you how to
get lucky with dancers? It's really casy.
Ги surprised you didn’t mention it. All
you have to do is go to ballet class."

“Ballet class? Sounds kind of wussie to
те,” I said.

"That's the point. Think about it. The
ratio of women to men in your average
class is about ten to three, The ratio of
women to straight men is about ten to onc.
Get it?"

“Got i

“There’s a world of dancers out there
waiting to be, uh, mined.”

“Tell me how.”

“Rule number one: When you go to
class, dress for the part. Wear black-Lycra
tights, an old sweat shirt with the arms cut
out, some leg warmers and ballet shoes.
Scuff up the shoes. Scuff up everything.”

“I have to buy dance clothes?”

“You can't go in there in your Levi's,
Ace. Show a little couth. Buy the basics:
shocs, Icg warmers, tights. Tight tights,
OK? We dancers like to look, too, We
check out the merchandise, believe me. We
know who's hung and who isn't.”

“You dirty little girls," I

“Yep,” Nan said. “Now, listen up: Use
your workout bag for a dance bag. Carry a
small towel, an extra pair of leg warmers,
some sweat pants. Your bag should look
overstuffed and artistically sloppy. And it
should never be zipped up. Remember,
you're a casual kind of guy."

“But I don't know anything about bal-
I said. “Г look stupid in class.”

“If you look too good, we'll assume
you're gay and just trying to pick up other
men—and we won't talk to you at all.”

“So awkward is good?”

“Its OK. You don't have to take the
whole class. Just barre will do. Just warm-
ups. Stand there at the barre and try to do
the exercises.”

“I do a few squats at the barre and wom-
en will hit on me?”

“You have to know a few things.”

"Such as?”

“Well, try the basics: Those satin-cov-
ered shoes the women wear are called

By ASA BABER

A BALLERINA’S
SECRETS

pointe shoes, not toc shoes; when you're at
the barre, you always start with your right
side first; and remember, as a male who's
à beginner, you don't have natural turn-
ош. Complain about that and compliment
the women on thcir turnout, the way they
can point their fect in different directions
and still do the exercises.”

“OK, can I go to class now?”

“Not yet. First you have to go to the li-
brary. Read about a few ballets. Learn
their plots. Giselle is good. Ditto Sleeping
Beauly. Include one Balanchine-Stravin-
sky collaboration, such as Firebird.”

"I saw The Nutcracker onc

“No good, Ace. Among serious dancers,
it's a joke.”

“] wanna go to class!”

“Patience, little man. You must learn
three basic concepts and say them after
me: One, Balanchine changed everything;
two, Baryshnikov is the greatest male
dancer who ever lived; three, there will
never be another Suzanne Farrell.”

“I can’t say that. I hate Bar
Every woman I know is in love with him.
Why should I pimp for him?”

“If you attack Baryshnikov in a ballet
class, you'll be dead meat,” Nan said.
“We've all been screwing him for years.
We hold on to his thighs and he carries us
into the heavens. Don’t fight it.”

“ГЇЇ say it, ГИ say it.”

“Very good. You're almost ready. Get to

class about fifieen minutes early. Be cool.
You'll see а lot of women stretching like
cats. Sit down next to one who appcals to
you. Do not ogle her. Yes, her legs are
sprcad 180 degrees and, yes, her leotards
are skintight. Supposcdly, you're used to
this and it's no big deal.”

“Мо big deal," I mumbled.

“You've scen it all before.”

“Гуе seen it all before.”

“You love ballet for artistic reasons.”
ight.”

You even play a little hard to get.
You're absorbed in your own stretches and
100 busy to really lock at the women."

"I can't stretch the way they can
stretch. They'll know I’m faking it."

“Try this: Sit with the soles of your feet
together and press down on your knees.
Pretend you're pressing hard and act like
you're in pain, They'll buy it.”

“But when the barre exercises start, ГИ
be totally lost.”

“That's the point. This is your big
chance. Go up to the cutest woman you see
and ask her ifshe minds if you stand next
to her at the barre Say you need someone
to follow. You're being modest and vulner-
able. She can't say no. And—voila!—
there you'll be, a few inches away from
everything you've ever dreamed of.”

“What do I say to her?"

“Pull out your ballet small talk.”

“Balanchine changed everything."

“Very good.”

“Baryshnikov is the greatest male
dancer."

“Absolutely.”

“There will never be another Suzanne
Farrell, will there?

“Not in my opinion."

“Now can I ask her out for dinner?”

К her out for coffec. Most of your
as have eating disorders. If you ask
them out for a meal, they'll panic.”

“I think I feel anorectic.”

“She'll understand.

“T think Baryshnikov is a god!”

“Oh, yes.”

“Trl be that easy?”

“I can practically guarantee it. Dancers
are some of the loneliest people in the
world. You men are missing a bet if you
don't check them out. Don't forget,
dancers need love, too.”

“Thanks, Nan,” I said

“That's OK, Misha,” she said.

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

ІМ, girlfriend and I have started sharing
fantasies. Some of them are pretty normal;
some arc pretty weird. Do you have any
information on typical fantasies? How can
we tell what's normal and what's no? —
К. L., Miami Beach, Florida.

A paper published in “The Journal of Sex
Rescarch stated that 88 percent of the women
studied had experienced a sexual fantasy. The.
researchers found that the subjects of the eight
sexual fantasies most frequently experienced,
without regard to sexual satisfaction and in
order of mention, were an extramarital affair
(41 percent), reliving sexual experience but
not first sexual experience (39 percent),
different position for coitus (38 percent), cur-
rent sex partner (36 percent), sex in rooms
other than the bedroom (35 percent), new sex
partner (34 percent), more affectionate sex
partner (30 percent) and sex on a carpeted
floor (28 percent). Rounding out the top 15
were having sex in a motel and pretending to
be with a former partner (27 percent each),
reliving first sexual experience and sex on a
beach (26 percent each) and having multiple
orgasms or oral sex or being sexually unin-
hibited (25 percent each). Out of all these
fantasies, only two were associated with satis-
faction or dissatisfaction with a partner. If
you liked your current partner, you tended to
fantasize about him or her; if you were dis-
satisfied, you tended to fantasize about a more
affectionate sex partner. As for normal
behavior—you've already crossed that line by
sharing your fantasies. The researchers found
that only 25 percent of sex partners were
aware of their partners’ fantasies. When
asked what they thought their partners’ reac-
tion might be if they learned about the fan-
tasies, they gave the following responses:
acceptance (47 percent), trying harder to
please (27 percent), damage to ego (26 per-
cent), feeling hurt (25 percent), jealousy (18
percent), feelings of adequacy (18 percent)
and sexual arousal (15 percent). This is a
classic example of the sexual hypocrisy of
American culture. Everybody fantasizes, yet
almost everybody thinks that if his or her part-
ner found out, he or she would feel hurt or
under pressure to perform. If a fantasy
arouses you, why wouldn't it arouse your
partner? All power to you for sharing.

И have a question of the utmost impor-
tance that deals with the very fibers of cti-
quette. Thorough searches through the
archives of manners and morals have
failed to solve this very serious social prob-
lem. I'm hoping you can help. Is the
monogram on a sock to be worn on the
inside or the outside of the leg2—D. R.,
Lawrenccville, Georgia.

Му goodness, life must be slow in Law-
renceville. Were assuming that this is a query
asked in earnest, so we'd have to say that the
monogram should be worn facing outward.
Otherwise, why bother paying extra money for

something decorative but useless that no one
else can possibly see and appreciate? On the
olher haud, monograms are déclassé, so you
might want to wear them on the inside so no
one will see them. Or just 1055 the socks into
the same drawer as the underwear that has
your name sewn on little labels.

Tam involved with a wonderfully stimu-
lating, sensitive and caring man. We make
love every available waking minute—and,
oh, what a time we have! His kisses, his
licks, his soft strokes make my body tingle,
and this crescendoes into erotic waves of
throbbing passion as he brings me from
one orgasm to another and still another.
We play for hours, and never once have 1
been able to get enough of this wonderful,
loving man. My problem, you ask? It is
simply this: When our lovemaking carries
mie to that erotic peak of near insanity, just
as the waves of orgasm overtake every
trembling inch of me, I scream: 1 can't
help it; i's uncontrollable. My breasts
pulsate and the screams just slip from my
throat. My lover is appalled by this; his
first instinct is to grab a pillow and push it
into my face to muffle the noise. He franti-
cally urges me to stop, insisting that the
neighbors will hear (I live in an apart-
ment). Needless to say, this puts a bit ofan
edge on my excitement. My spontancity
leaves me and 1 usually end up feeling
self-conscious and embarrassed. What
should 1 do? I don’t want to stop making
love to this man; he brings me endless
hours of pure joy. Is there something
wrong with me?—Miss Р. S., Lindenwold,
New Jersey.

No, there is not necessarily something
wrong with you. Many people react verbally
when they achieve orgasm. We can under-

stand your boyfriend's concern, but we don't
think this is anything for you to be embar-
rassed about. We suggest that you soundproof
your walls—or move into a house in the sub-
urbs—so you can wail away. Or turn up the
stereo until your teeth vibrate. If the neigh-
bors don't complain, you're home free.

Мо: advice to P. В. (The Playboy Advi-
sor, September) about making copies of
tapes recorded with Dolby С noise reduc-
tion is quite logical. Unfortunately, it also
happens to be wrong. The proper way to
dub tapes made with Dolby is to turn the
Dolby circuits in both decks on, not off.
Otherwise, you run the risk of dull or
overemphasized treble in the tape сору.
This is because the Dolby NR systems
work by boosting weak high frequencies in
recording, then cutting them back to пог

mal in playback, on the basis of the level
recorded on the tape, A small error in level
sensing at the playback end throws the
process off, so that the highs are cut back
either too much or not enough. Dolby C
NR is especially sensitive to this, because
it uses more boost and cut, over a wider
frequency range, than Dolby B. Tape
copies almost always come out with a
slightly higher or lower level than the orig-
nal. Íf you make that copy with both
decks’ Dolby circuits off, this

alters the copy’s Dolby calibration, so it
won't sound right in playback. If you copy
with both decks’ Dolby circuits on, then
the playback deck's Dolby circuits are
operating on a properly calibrated tape,
giving the fattest response. The second
deck then makes a Dolby-encoded tape
that is properly calibrated for the level at
Which that deck is actually recording. This
also gives you the chance to switch noise-
reduction systems, making the copy with
Dolby B NR, dbx or none at all; this
causes no frequency-response problems

Your advice to P. В. is correct, however,
for tape copying with dbx noise reducti
"The dbx system is not level-sensitivc.—
1. B., New York, New York.

A spokesman for Dolby said that when
using two decks to dub, leave the Dolby on.
With а single dubbing deck, leave the Dolby
off.

Wie: docs sexual ее oome Попе i
met a girl recently who was so hung up
about sex that she refused to engage in any
kind of lovemaking at all. How do you deal
with a person who is convinced from the
outset that she won't enjoy something2—
R. G., Hartford, Connecticut.

Let's define terms. An article in Archi
of Sexual Behavior defines дий as
generalized expectancy for self-monilored
punishment for violating or anticipating the
violation of internalized standards of socially

PLAYBOY

acceptable behavior." In simple English:
Even if you feel good doing it, you know that
tomorrow you'll hate yourself: and if you
don't, then yowll make yourself hate yourself.
Guilt is something you choose. Studies have
shown that people with a lot of sex guilt gen-
erally have “less sexual experience, less of a
tendency to participate in certain sexual acts,
such as intercourse, cunnilingus and petting
1o orgasm.” Never have so many felt so bad
about so little. You might think that sex edu-
cation would help, but people who suffer sex
guilt are less able than others to receive sex-
related information. Some researchers say
that guilt is associated with moral develop-
ment: If you are at a level where you “con-
form to law and order and place importance
‘on meeting obligations and maintaining soci-
ely's rules,” you tend to have a high level of
sex guilt. If you “value such rights as life and
liberty and believe in rules for the welfare and
protection of all people” (if you view life in
terms of self-chosen principles), you have less
sex guilt. М. Gerrard and Е. X. Gibbons sug-
gest that “sex guilt тау limit sex experience,
that limiting sexual experience allows the per-
son to avoid the moral reasoning associated
with that experience and that their avoidance
in turn limits moral development on these
specific sexual issues.” Sharon Propper and
Robert A. Broum recently tried to determine
whether or not parental attitudes affected sex
guilt. Earlier studies revealed that if your
parents had a negative aititude toward sex,
you would be more likely to experience sex
guilt. Propper and Brown found that
tive family upbringing significantly тай
the level of guilt in members of the group oth-
er researchers had found to have low guilt—
the people who based their moral reasoning
on interpersonal contracts rather than con-
forming to law and order. You and your girl-
friend might discuss her atlitudes, those of her
parents and those drawn from your own past,
Experience is the best teacher and the best
cure. Have patience.

F hear that half of the new-car buyers in
this country don’t even test drive before
deciding on a car. I can’t imagine anyone's
buying a car he's never driven; but for
those with better judgment, have you any
tips on doing it right?—T. D., San Fran-
co, California.

Here's how to test: Before driving, adjust
the seat, safety belts, mirrors and steering
wheel, then check visibility all around. Check
the location, ease of reach and operation of
all important controls. Start the engine; shift
into gear; move forward, backward; maneu-
ver this way and that to see how the car feels
at parking-lot speeds. Once out of the lot,
allow time for the engine lo warm and your-
self to get accustomed to the controls. Drive
the way you will as an owner—up and down
hills, in traffic, on freeways—not just around
the block. Then (in a safe place) try the throt-
Це response, the steering, the handling and
the brakes.

The salesperson will want to ride along

and demonstrate every marvelous feature,
but don't let him distract you from the busi-
ness of touching, feeling and sensing
whatever you can in the time you have. If he
rattles on, ask him (politely) to save it for the
showroom. If possible, try all the candidates
оп your shopping list back to back, on the
same roads, on the same day, for valid com-
parisons. If a dealer can't offer the model and.
power train (engineltransmission) you want
for demonstration, make an appointment to
go back when he can—or try another dealer.
And there's nothing wrong with returning
for a second or third drive in the same car as
your list narrows to a precious few. Sooner or
later, you'll know which car is best for you,
and you'll be glad you took the time to do it
right. We can't prevent you from buying
without driving first if you're so inclined, but
we can tell you our reaction when a salesper-
som refuses us a drive: We make a break for
the door.

F iove skiing in Colorado but hate having
to deal with the crowds and delays during
the change of plane in Denver. Is there any
way to get to the slopes without stopping
at Stapleton Airport first?—G. N., Boston,
Massachusetts.

Here are а couple of suggestions: (1) Geta
job on Wall Street as an investment banker,
make several million dollars and buy your
own jet. A Lear will set you back about
$3,500,000; but to have any status in places
like Aspen, you'll need a bigger Gulfstream—
the plane for real men with $17,000,000 or
so. Assuming that you're in a hurry to ski this
season, though, you might also consider (2)
avoiding Denver and the rest of Colorado by
flying to Utah instead. After all, Alta and
Snowbird are less than 25 miles from the Salt
Lake City airport, which is not only uncrowd-
ed but also rarely closed by snowstorms. If you
don't want to take our advice (and, in fact,
we often don'(—we love to ski in Colorado),
you should be aware of the fact that several of
the state's top ski resorts will have nonstop jet
service this winter from major cities around
the country. Steamboat, for example, has
nonstop flights from Dallas, Chicago, Los
Angeles and San Francisco on American
Airlines, and from Minneapolis on North-
west. sted Вие has announced several
nonstops via Continental, as well as a daily
nonstop from Dallas on American. Both
United Express and Continental Express
(formerly Rocky Mountain Airways) are now
full-fledged subsidiaries of their eponymous
big brothers, by the way, so if you do have lo
change planes in Denver, we'd suggest trying
to stick with the same carrier on your connect-
ing flight. If youre paranoid about losing
your luggage, try carrying your boots onto the
plane instead of checking them. Even if your
skis go astray, you'll look cool at the bar.

АМ О сус i
in less than two minutes, he's called a
premature ejaculator, while if a woman

reaches orgasm in less than two minutes,
she's called hot and responsive? It seems
unfair.—E. O., Dallas, Texas.

We think you're on to something. Why is it
that а man who takes two hours to reach or-
gasm is called a stud, while а woman who
takes two hours to reach orgasm is called
frigid or the victim of an insensitive lover?
Sexual stereotypes don't take into account the
infinite variety of lovers. Leave your stop
watch and box of labels at the bedroom door
and you'll have a lot more fun.

Dio Пф creo ran cmo ar
doms' cutting down on sensation. Have
you ever heard the woman's side? My girl-
friend says that when we use condoms, sh
experiences discomfort. Is there an expla-
nation?—D. W., Denver, Colorado.

A nationwide survey by the makers of Con-
domMate found that as many as 67 percent.
of the women who utilize condoms experience
some degree of dryness or discomfort. Never-
theless, the majority of the women surveyed
(60 percent) don't believe that condoms sig-
nificantly reduce pleasure. Almost three quar-
ters of the obstetricians and gynecologists
surveyed considered “vaginal dryness during
sexual intercourse а problem associated with
the use of condoms; dryness that results in
vaginal discomfort and the increased risk of
condom breakage.” CondomMate is an ar-
tificial lubricant designed to be used with
condoms. You should be able to find it at your
local pharmacy.

Dd ita
the Venus butterfly (The Playboy Advisor,
March, June, August, September) are
great. However, it is obvious that none of
the writers have been paying attention to
the dialog and story line of L.A. Law. In
cach episode in which Stuart and Ann сх-
periment with the technique, the session is
always preceded with a line of dialog indi-
cating that Stuart has to call room service
before they begin. I can only guess what
he needs from room service. Since I can
assume that ice is readily available, it
would scem that the “missing ingredient"
is something more exotic. Whether itis food
or some device can only be told by the
writers. Let's hope that someday they will
tell us.—R. A., Furlong, Pennsylvania.
You have a point. We will reopen our con-
test. т 200 words or less, describe an act of
room-service sex, something that requires the
assistance of hotel help. (Clean sheets are not
enough.) We'll publish the best descriptions.

All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 М.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The точ provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

FAR TOO ROMANTIC FOR THE DAY.

NIGHT SPICE A NEW FRAGRANCE FOR MEN.

TO BRING ON THE NIGHT, OPEN HERE,

FAR TOO ROMANTIC FOR THE DAY. |

NiGH1 SPICE: A NEW FRAGRANCE FOR MEN.

FAR TOO ROMANTIC FOR THE DAY.

NIGHT SPICE: A NEW FRAGRANCE FOR MEN.

PLAYBOY

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

РЕАК PLAYMATES

Tre question for the month:

Have you ever had sex on a first
date?

Панева dre itn
people Гус known for a while. I did sleep
with my boyfriend on our first "official"

date. We have a very lustful relationship.

Sex is impor-
tant to me, and
it matters to me
that my partner
is sexual, too.
Generally
speaking, I
don’t think sex
on a first date
is a great idea,
because you
givc up too
much intrigue
100 soon. Also,
you don't know or care about a man and
you slecp with him, you may have nothing
to say in the morning, and that's a waste of.
time.

уа авео"

JULIE PETERSON
FEBRUARY 1987

П aia it once and 1 ended up living with
the guy for a year. But it’s not something
Га do anymore. If I choose not to have sex
on thc first, sec-
ond or third
date, it makes |
the sex, when I ў
finally have it,

even better. Ifa
guy can't wait
and quits
calling me,
that's his prob-
lem. I don
have mc to
worry about
him. Some
guys are as transparent as cellophane.
Some guys are better than that. It's about
luck, really. Sex on a first date isn't the
best way to start off a relationship, and
there is a health scare now, so I don't do it.

"JULY 1986

Wes. But it's a rare occurrence. I'd much
rather get to know someone first. 1 think
sex is very intimate, and the more you
know someone, the more fun you can have
with him. You can have fun
a one-night
stand, too, but
if you want a
relationship,
you have to
wait. If I cared
about someone

h a guy on

that

make the sex
more meaning-
ful. I don't

think men are
only looking for sex, but those who are
make it pretty obvious. That is not to say
that you don't wonder about sex on a date.
105 in the back of everyone's mind. And
your date could have an infinite number of
endiny

LAURIE CARR
DECEMBER 1986

Woere are guys I just want to have sex
with and guys | want to sec in a differe:
way. If vou sleep with a guy on a first dat
the focus is on the physical, not on com-
municating. I can read a guy pretty well. I
stare into his eyes when I'm turned on. I
wouldn't go into a bar and just go home
with some-
—not in the

то know about
somcone. May-
be he's a friend
of a friend. 1
know pretty
much what Pm
getting myself

into. m par-
ticular. If I > d RL
want to have

sex with someone, I definitely know if the

chemistry is there: I'm the kind of person
who docs what she wants to do, with no re-
grets. 1 don't wake up in the morning fecl-
ing shitty if it’s something I wanted to do.
It was something we both wanted, and if,
for some rcason, he isn't goi er
in, he's not worth мап

Prot

KYMBERLY PAIGE.
MAY 1987

И haven't. Гуе never had а one-night
stand. The reason is that, to me, that kind
of intimacy means giving my energy to
someone. It's not the act of sex I'm giving,
it’s me, my deepest emotions. To give my-
self to someone
like that means
that he has to
be special. It
also means that
I'm pretty sure
I'm not going
to get dumped
on and that
he will call me
again. There
have been
times when Гуе
had an extra
glass of wine and Гуе thought, I want to
be with this guy, but I don't follow the
feeling. I get pragmatic instead. Some men
take a kiss at the door as rejection. 1 find
that attitude revealing.

М. гус had sex on a third or fourth
date, but never on a first. Гус never found
anyone so appealing that I could open up
to him and just say, “Hey, baby, here I
am." I really

have to get to
know him bet-
ter than that, If
I'm giving a
part of myself
to someonc,
he’ d better be
my life for a
Tama
romantic. It
would be terri-
ble to go out on
a first date, do
it and then never scc him again. Га rather
wait awhile and get to know him. Can hc
be open with me about his thoughts and
feelings? That's more important than the
sexual thing.

dicens Ape E.

REBECCA FERRATTI
JUNE 1986

Send your questions to Dear Playmates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but we'll try.

One SizeFits All.
HoHo.

ТО SEND A GIFT OF JIM BEAM DIAL 1-800-CHEER-UP OR 1-800-BE THERE
(Except Where Probie by Ши Kentucky Sunigh Bourbon Whiskey. 80 Prot. Оне and Восе by James B Beam Distilling Ca,Cermont, bea Ку.

ТНЕ

P L A Y B O Y

FORUM

THE PLAYBOY PHILOSOPHY

highlights from the original *playboy philosophy," in which our editor-
publisher spelled out our guiding principles and editorial credo

Twenty-five years ago this month, the
first installment of “The Playboy Philoso-
phy" appeared in the pages of Playboy.
Over the next few years, in 25 install-
ments, Hugh M. Hefner tried to define.
the principles and perspectives of the
magazine to readers and critics alike.
What the founding fathers in Philadel-
phia did for democracy, Hefner in Chi-
cago did for the sexual revolution.

The “Philosophy” mirrored the conver-
salions our culture was having about sex;
it clarified the issues. Hefner questioned
some of our more irrational and hurtful
values.

Now we celebrate 25 years of contro-
versy. “The Playboy Philosophy” is still
many things to many people. For some, it
represents the ultimate expression of per-
missiveness. For others, it is a clear vision
of a rational society. The original text
speaks eloquently. We are pleased
to present selected passages from “The
Playboy Philosophy.” Here is Hugh М.
Hefner, in his own write.

The Playboy Philosophy is predicated
on my belief in the importance of the
individual and his rights as a member
of a free society. That's my most basic
premise—the starting point from
which everything else in which I be-
lieve evolves.

[We hold] the view that man's per-
sonal self-interest is natural and good,
and that it can be channeled, through
reason, to the benefit of the individual
and his society; the belief that morality
should be based upon reason; the con-
viction that society should exist as
man's servant, not as his master; фе
idea that the purpose in man's life
should be found in the full living of
life itself and the individual pursuit of
happiness.

.
America is presumably the land of
the free and the home of the brave. But

еч
емон,
4 metu егте,

Hugh M. Hefner, in 1962, working on
The Playboy Philosophy

our legislators, our judges and our
officers of law enforcement are allowed
to enter our most private inner sanctu-
aries—our bedrooms—and dictate the
activity that takes place there.

It is simply our purpose, at this mo-
ment, to point out the utter lack of
justification in the state making unlaw-
ful these private acts performed
between two consenting adults. Organ-
ized religions may preach against them
if they wish—and there may well be
some logic in their doing so, since ex-
treme sexual permissiveness is not
without its negative aspects—but there
can be no possible justification for reli-
gion using the state to coercively con-
trol the sexual conduct of the members
of a free society.

Church-state legislation has made
common criminals of us all. Dr. Alfred
Kinsey has estimated that if the sex
laws of the United States were consci-
entiously enforced, over 90 percent of

the adult population would be in
prison.
D

The sexual activity that we
pompously preach about and protest
against in public, we enthusiastically
practice in private. We lie to one anoth-
ег about sex; we lie to our children
about sex; and many of us undoubtedly
lie to ourselves about sex. But we can-
not forever escape the reality that a
sexually hypocritical society is an un-
healthy society that produces more
than its share of perversion, néurosis,
psychosis, unsuccessful marriage, di-
vorce and suicide.

A society may offer negative, sup-
pressive, perverted concepts of sex, re-
lating sex to sin, sickness, shame and
guilt; or, hopefully, it may offer a posi-
tive, permissive, natural view, where
sex is related to happiness, to bcauty,
to health and to feclings of pleasure and
fulfillment.

But what you cannot have is a society
that stresses the negative side of sex pri-
or to marriage, with the anticipation
that it can all be replaced @ posi-
tive responsiveness to sex immediately
after the marital rites take place. A
healthy sexual attitude isn't like a dress
suit that can be hidden away in a trunk
in the attic all the young years of one’s
life, and then brought forth when need-
ed—cleaned, pressed and slipped in-
to—on the wedding day. It just doesn't
work like that

Sow concepts of sin, shame and sup-
pression in the early years of life and
you will reap frustration, frigidity, im-
potence and unhappiness in the years
thereafter.

There are a great many well-mean-
ing members of our own society who
sincerely believe that we would have a
happier, healthier civilization if there

were less emphasis upon sex їп it. These
people are ignorant of the most funda-
mental facts on the subject. What is
clearly needed is a greater emphasis upon
sex, not the opposite. Provided of course,
that we really do want a healthy, hetero-
sexual society.
D

Nor can we accept the argument that
it is some flaw in the nature of man, some
weakness or devil in the flesh, that. pro-
duces our sexual yearnings and behavior;
we reject as totally without foundation
the premise of the prude, who would
have us believe that man would be
healthier and happier if he were some-
how able to curb these natural desires.

I certainly think that personal sex is
preferable to impersonal sex, because it
includes the greatest emotional rewards;
but I can see no logical justification for
opposing the latter, unless it is irrespon-
sible, exploitive, coercive or in some way
hurts one of the individuals involved.

We are opposed to wholly selfish sex,
but we are opposed to any human rela-
tionship that is entirely self-oriented—
that takes all and gives nothing in
return,

Sex is, at its best, an expression of love
and adoration. But this is not to say that
sex is, or should be, limited to love alone.
Love and sex are certainly not synony-
mous, and while they may often be close-
ly interrelated, the one is not necessarily
dependent upon the other. Sex can be
one of the mest profound and rewarding
elements in the adventure of living; if we
recognize it as not necessarily limited to
procreation, then we should also ac-
knowledge openly that it is not necessari-
ly limited to love either. Sex exists—with
and without love—and in both forms it
does far more good than harm. The at-
tempts at its suppression, however, are
almost universally harmful, both to the
individuals involved and to society as a
whole.

I do believe that sex can sometimes,
quite properly, be an end in itself. And if
sex can serve as a means of sell-realiza-
tion, this is purpose enough and

justification enough for its existence. But
I do not believe that sex, or any of man's
behavior, can be scparated from its
consequences.

The religious views of a portion of so-
ciety are forced upon the rest of it—
through government coercion—whether
they are consistent with the personal
convictions of the in ual or not.

Ifa man has a right to find God in his
own way, he has a right to go to the Devil
in his own way, also.

Our society’s repressive and зирргез-
sive antisexualism is derived from twist-

cd theological concepts that became
firmly imbedded in Christianity during
the Dark Ages, several hundred years aft-
er the crucifixion of Christ, and spread
and became more severe with Calvinist
Puritanism after the Reformation. In the
Old World, the people suffered under to-
talitarian church-state controls of both
Catholic and Protestant origin and many
of the early colonists in America came
here in search of the religious freedom
denied them in Europe. Our own found-
fathers, well aware of the history of
religious tyranny in other countries, cs-
tablished with the Constitution of the
United States the concept of a separate
church and state as the best means of
assuring that both our religion and gov-
ernment would remain free, thus guaran-
teeing the freedom of the people
Unfortunately, the seeds of religious
antisexualism were already planted in
the people themselves, however; in addi
tion, through the centuries, a certain

amount of ecclesiastical law had found its
way into the common law of Europe, and
then into American law as well. As а re-
sult, not even the guarantees of the Con-
stitution itself were enough to keep our
religion and government apart.

Nowhere is this unholy alliance be-
tween church and state more obvious
than in matters of sex. In our most per-
sonal behavior, no citizen of the United
States is truly free.

Some sexual behavior is the proper
concern of the state. In protecting its citi-
zens, the state has the right to prohibit
unwelcome acts of sexual violence or ag-
gression; it also has the right to protect
the individual from sexual exploitation
and fraud. Before a certain age, individu-
als lack the maturity necessary for full
participation in a free society and so it is
logical to have special legislation for the
protection of minors. . . .

All other sexual activity—specifically,
all private sex between consenting
adults—is the personal business of the
individuals involved and in a free society
the state has no right to interfere.

Religious puritanism pervades every
aspect of our sexual lives. We use it as a
justification for suppressing freedom of
thought, expression and, of course, per-
sonal behavior. By associating sex with
sin, we have produced a society so g
ridden that it is almost impossible to
view the subject objectively and we are
able to rationalize the most outrageous
acts against mankind in the name of
God.

But what sort of God would have man
deny his God-given sexual nature?

Some members of our society sincerely
believe that sex has a single purpose:
procreation. As such, sexual activity is
logically limited to coitus within the
bounds of marriage, since children
benefit from the presence of both parents
and a stable familial environment is best
established within the bounds of wed-
lock. But life is more complex than that.
To deny the true emotional and physical
significance of sex in society is to turn
our backs on all the knowledge about
man that the sociological and psycholog-

ical sciences have given us. In suggesting
that the sole purpose of sex is the perpet-
vation of the species, we reduce man to
the level of the lower animals.

So intimately is sex interrelated with
the rest of human experience that it is
impossible to conceive of a society exist-
ing, as we know it, without benefit of the
primal sex urge. Most certainly, if such а
society did exist, it would be a very cold,
totalitarian and barbarous one. The exist-
ence of two sexes, and their attraction for
one another, must be considered the ma-
jor civilizing influence in our world. As
much as religion has done for the devel-
opment and growth of society, sex has
done more.

If we want to have a healthier, happier
society, we ought logically to approve of
whatever art and literature treats sex in
an attractive and appealing way and dis-
approve of that which makes sex seem
ugly or shameful. We do just the орро-
site, of course, because the censor and
the prude understand almost nothing
about the subject with which they are so
concerned. Thus they tend to attack the
healthiest, most heterosexual expressions
of the erotic, all but ignoring the sex
associated with sickness and sin. We
pander to the perverted, the sado-
masochistic, the guilt- and fear-ridden,
perpetuating the most negative side of
man’s sexual nature. The extent to which
a society emphasizes sex isn’t what mat-
ters, but the way in which it is empha-
sized is.

The charge of obscenity itself is some-
times used as a cover for other things to
which the censor objects: Political, philo-
sophical, social, medical, religious and
racial ideas have all been damned at one
time or another for being “obscene.”

It was disconcerting when we first dis-
covered that many of those who consider
nudity and obscenity nearly synonymous
often drag God's name into the act—this
struck us, and strikes us still, as a partic-
ularly blatant bit of blasphemy. The log-
ic that permits a person to call down
God's wrath on anyone for displaying a
bit of God's own handiwork docs, we
must admit, escape us. If the human

body—far and away the most remark-
able, the most complicated, the most
perfect and the most beautiful creation
on this earth—can become objection-
able, obscene or abhorrent, when pur-
posely posed and photographed to
capture that remarkable perfection and
beauty, then the world is a far more
cockeyed place than we are willing to
admit. That there may be some people in
this world with rather cockeyed ideas on
subjects of this sort—well, that's some-
thing else again.
.

It has long seemed quite incredible—
indeed, incomprehensible—to us that
detailed descriptions of murder, which

we consider a crime, are acceptable in
our art and literature, while detailed de-
scriptions of sex, which is not a crime,
are prohibited. It is as though our society
put hate above love—favored death over
life.

Only a man who carries the obscenity
within him will see obscenity in a book, a
painting or a photograph. If you find the
obscene in a work of art or literature, or
in life itself, you have manufactured the
idea of obscenity yourself. And you have
no one to blame but yourself for having
made it obscene. If it is true that “beauty
is in the eye of the beholder,” one must
accept its logical corollary, that uglincss
is, too.

"Those who favor censorship are often
motivated by what they believe to be the
best of principles. We have Government
agencies to ban harmful foods and
medicines—why not do the same with
“harmful” art and literature, they rea-

son. What they fail to recognize is that a
bad food or drug is a matter of indis-
putable fact, but a "bad" book or movie
is a matter of taste or opinion, and noth-
ing more. And in our free society, we are
fundamentally opposed to the suppres-
sion of ideas with which we do not agree,
or the forcing of our own ideas onto
others.
.

The attitude that some ideas are best
kept from the citizenry advances a соп-
cept of totalitarian paternalism that is
contrary to the most basic ideals of our
free society. It is akin to the colonialist
concept thata new nation may not yet be
ready to rule itself. The only way in
which the people of a country can ever
become mature enough for self-rule is by
setting them free to praclice self-rule.
Similarly, the only way in which a soci-

. ety can mature sexually, socially and

philosophically is by allowing it natural-
ly free and unfettered sexual, social and
philosophical growth. By treating our
‘own citizens like so many overprotected
children, we have produced our present,
too-olten-childlike, immature, hypocriti-
cal social order.
.

Discussing, describing or graphically
depicting sex too explicitly, or with an
improper moral point of view, is still pro-
hibited throughout much of these
supposedly free United States. Why? Be-
cause it may lead to like behavior. And
that is the greatest fear of all: that sex
may be indulged in freely, without the
burden of guilt and shame placed upon
it by our ignorant, superstitious, fear- `
ridden ancestors in the Middle Ages.

Never mind that the contemporary
psychiatrist knows, and will gladly teil
any who care to listen, that books, and
pictures, and pamphlets and papers that
deal openly and honestly with sex have
little or no effect upon human behavior
and whatever effect they do have is
healthful, rather than injurious, to soci-
ety; never mind that the science of
psychiatry has revealed that it is the.
repression of the natural sex instinct,
and the association of sex with guilt and
shame, that cause the hurt to hu-
mankind—producing frigidity, impo-
tence, masochism, sadism . . . and all

manner of other sexual perversions, so-
cial and psychological ills, neuroses
and psychoses; never mind that all of
history documents the utter impossibil-
ity of curbing the normal sex drive, of
kceping the male and female free from
this sin of the flesh; never mind that
modern research into sex behavior has
revealed that America’s own Puritan
attempts at sexual suppression have
failed to halt or seriously hinder the
“immoral” sex conduct of the majority
of our adult population and resulted in
nought but frustration, aberration,
agony and heartache; never mind that
any cHort to regulate or control the pri-
vate scxual morality of the adult citi-
zens of the United States is contrary to
the principle of individual freedom that
is the very foundation of our democra-
cy, and is in conflict with the most ba-

ic guarantees of our Constitution and
Bill of Rights.

Never mind—for such arguments are
based upon reason. And there is noth-
ing reasoned or rational about our soci
ety's attitude toward sex. It is based,
instead, upon an irrational conglomer-
ation of prejudice, superstition, fear,
faith, mysticism and malarkey.

The lowest forms of pornography
tend to flourish in a sexually suppres-
sive atmosphere rather than one that is
open and permissive. . . . Censorship
creates an appetite for the hidden and
suppressed; pornography would lose
much of its appeal in a sexually free so-
ciety.

There is presently a considerable
school of scientific opinion amongst au-
thorities on human behavior suggesting
not simply that pornography is harm-
less, but that it may actually have some
value as a sublimation and release for
pent-up sexual frustrations and desires.

Since the beginning of recorded his-
tory there have been individuals deter-
mined to force their own standards
upon their fellow men. And time in-
evitably proves that the "dangerous"
work of art or literature of one genera-
tion is the classic of the next—that any

contemporary condemnation of the
spoken or the written word appears
ridiculous to succeeding generations.

For it matters little if а book is

burned because it contains an unpopu-

al idea or an unpopular moral

jous one—the book has been

burned just the same—and society is a

little poorer for having lost perhaps just

one small voice, one difference of opin-
ion, one divergent thought or idea.

"The founding fathers included neces-
sary safeguards in both the Constitu-
tion and the Bill of Rights specifically

ishi s freedom and the

separation of church and state. To this
end, they had a much earlier reference:
“Render therefore unto Caesar the
things which be Caesar's, and unto
God the things which be God's" (Luke,
20:25). But for all their precautions, we
do not enjoy true religious freedom in
America today. In a remarkable exam-
ple of double-think, we’ve successfully
sustained our frecdom of religion, but
not freedom from religion.
.

Puritanism was still so dominant a
force in America less than 50 years ago
that, from 1919 to 1933, the entire na-
tion suffered under the enforced Prohi-
bition established by Congress with the
18th Amendment. . . . National Prohi-
bition, known as the “Noble Experi-
ment,” was almost certainly the most
corrupting legislation ever established
in the United States; it made criminals
out of honest men, and drunkards out
of sober ones. It stands as a monument
to the evil that can result when man at-

tempts to establish by governmental
edict what should rightfully be a matter
of personal choice.

We confess to a strong personal prej-
udice in favor of the boy-girl variety of
sex, but our belief in a free, rational
and humane society demands a toler-
ance of those whose sexual inclinations
are different from our own—so long 25
their activity is limited to consenting
adults in private and does not involve
cither minors or the use of any kind of
coercion.
.

Progress necessarily requires the ex-
change of outdated ideas for new and
better ones. By keeping open all lines of
communication in our culture, every
new idea, no matter how seemingly
perverse, improper or peculiar, has its
opportunity to be considered, to be
challenged and ultimately to be reject-
ed by society as a whole or by some
small part of it. This is the important
advantage that a free society has over a
totalitarian one, for in the free ex-
change of ideas, the best will ultimately
win out. A dictatorship, with its pre-es-
tablished dogma, is chained to the past;
a free socicty may draw from past,
present and the future.

Society benefits as much from the
differences in men as from their simi-
larities, and we should create a culture
that not only accepts these differences,
but respects and actually nurtures
them.

It is important to remember that our
American democracy is based not sim-
ply on the will of the majority, but on
the protection of the will of the minori-
ty. And the smallest minority in society
is the individual.

The Bible singles out the meek and
the poor in spirit for special blessings.
We'd like to add one of our own:
Blessed is the rebel— without him there
would be no progress.

М E W

S Е К

OS NS

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

PICASSO WHO?
ORLANDO, FLORIDA—Police nearly
burned an original Picasso etching when
they cleaned out their files of confiscated
pornographic material. The etching, val-
ued at as much as $9000, was saved

when a city manager decided he liked the
frame and wanted to keep it. The work de-
pics a naked woman and а bearded man
and was deemed “horrible” by the evi-
dence-room workers.

ILLEGAL IN CHINA

PEKING—Chinese officials are cracking
down on the illicit private publishing in-
dustry that has flooded the country with
books the government considers “obscene
and bawdy” or politically incorrect. Ac-
cording to one survey cited by the New
China News Agency, 40 juvenile delin-
quents were actually victims of books
“extolling themes such as murder, pornog-
raphy and trends going against the Com-
munist Party, the people and socialism.”
Also under attack are modern Western lit-
erature and art. One government official
declared, “It is regrettable that in recent
years, Some writers and critics uphold-
ing ‘literature and art for its own sake’
have forgotten the precise nature of and
requirements for socialist literature and
Cibo od?

RELIGION RETURNS
SACRAMENTO—Two years ago, the
California Board of Education upset cre-
ationists by demanding that science text-
books pay more attention to evolution. It

won't have the same problem with its new
demand—that history books pay more al-
tention to religion. The state superintend-
ent explained that the goal of the new
guidelines is not to advocate one doctrine
over another but to put more emphasis on
the role religion has played in shaping
U.S. and world history. The effect of Cali-
fornia's request will be far-reaching; the
state buys such a large number of books
that publishers will necessarily accede to
its wishes.

SOVIET SEX

moscow—Western sources claim that a
typical Soviet woman has seven abortions
and that 50 percent of Soviet marriages
end in divorce. Dr. Igor Kon, a leading
Russian sociologist, blames widespread
ignorance about sex for these high rates of
abortion and divorce. He says that many
of the country's women believe that abor-
tion is their only means of birth control,
and he feels that the Soviets’ ignorance
about sex causes severe stress in mar-
riages. Dr. Kon believes that the Rus-
sians’ new policy of glasnost should also
apply to sexual issues.

RENEGADE ROMANS

SOUTH BEND. INDIANA—Á survey of
nearly 4000 Catholic alumni of the Uni-
versity of Notre Dame reveals that a ma-
jority of them disagree with their Church's
teachings on significant moral issues.

»Eighty-ihree percent consider ar-
tificial methods of birth control acceptable.

= Seventy-five percent think abortion is
permissible in some instances.

+ Seventy-nine percent think that the
Church should allow divorced Catholics to
remarry.

+ Fifty-six percent favor the ordination
of women to the priesthood.

SIGH OF RELIEF

AIDS may not pose as great а threat to
heterosexuals as has been believed. A new
study published in The Journal of the
American Medical Association suggests
that а heterosexual epidemic of AIDS is
not imminent, since the virus 1s far less in-
fectious to heterosexuals than was once
thought. Although there is evidence that
male-to-female transmission of AIDS oc-
curs, there is increasing evidence thal it 15
a difficult disease to transmit through het-
erosexual encounters.

HEART AND SOUL

MOUNDSVILLE, WEST VIRGINIA—An_ in-
mate serving a life sentence for murder at
the state penitentiary requested permission
to donate all his organs to science. The re-
quest was denied. The prison warden said
that he might let the inmate donate a “kid-
ney or an eye," but "he's going for the
whole ball of wax —and suicide isn’t al-
lowed under prison regulations,

SMILE, YOU'RE ON
CANDID CAMERA

LOS ANGELES—Law-enforcement agen-
cies in America's 16 largest cities spent
an average of $2000 for each prosti-
tution arrest—at a yearly cost of
$120,000,000. These figures were pub-
lished by the University of California's
Hastings Law Journal, reporting on a
study that concluded that “arrests for pros-
titution, a misdemeanor, exact a. dispro-
portionately high toll on law-enforcement
resources” and that we can no longer
afford to keep prostitution illegal.

The researcher for the study also
learned that some of the leading hotels in
San Francisco allow police the use of rooms
to film prostitutes conducting business

with cops posing as customers and that po-
lice sometimes tape the women disrob-
ing. Some legal experts claim that this
practice violates the Fourth Amendment,
but a spokesman for the American Civil
Liberties Union said that limited video-
taping “may be appropriate but raises a
number of disturbing issues,” such as how
much unnecessary taping is done and the
extent to which the hotels cooperate.

R E

МОТ WILD ABOUT WILDMON
The righteous Reverend Don-
ald E. Wildmon once again
wants to ban what he finds of-
fensive (The Playboy Forum, Au-
gust). If he can't accept open
and free communication, maybe
he'd better move to Russia or
China; but then, he couldn't
practice his religion in thosc
countries. Maybe — Wildmon
complains only because he can.
J. Barrett Wolf
Freeport, New York

It is not possible that Donald
Wildmon can be more oflended
by hearing the words breasts
and nipples on the radio than I
am by listening to religious
preachers. I think it’s the ЕСС?
duty to forbid moralistic pro-
graming during the day, when
my children might hear it.

F. W. Donour, Jr.
Norfolk, Virginia

I've hcard so much about
Wildmon lately, not only in
Playboy but in other magazines
and newspapers, that I felt com-
pelled to write with a warning:
If Wildmon wants to keep cen-
soring things that offend him,
eventually someone will come up
with the idea of censoring him.

J. Robert Nichols
Miami, Florida

I'm forming an organization called the
Separation of Church and State Group,
which will address the issue of Govern-
ment favoritism of religious, particularly
Christian, broadcasts. There are some
1300 Christian radio stations and 221
Christian television stations in the Unit-
ed States. Some of those stations are
obviously in business—the business of
raising money—and should pay taxes.
Join my group (no money required) and
write to your Congressman, IRS Com-
missioner Lawrence B. Gibbs and the
FCC to complain! If these religious
charlatans can complain about “dirty
words,” we can complain about them.

Bob Horowitz
Grass Valley, California

EL SALVADOR
In David Harrington’s description of
the flawed military strategies in Vietnam
and El Salvador (The Playboy Forum,
July), he’s telling only part of the truth,

FOR THE RECORD

HOW TIMES CHANGE

Lenny Bruce got arrested for saying cocksucker in
the Sixties, but Meryl Streep got an Academy
Award for saying it in the Eighties.
— PAUL KRASSNER, The Village Voice

In both cases, political considerations
were and are of overriding importance in
the selection of military options.
B. Jefferson Le Blanc
Ben Lomond, California

PRO MEN
W. D. Cobourn (The Playboy Forum,
August) cannot understand how a man,
having known a woman for only three
weeks, would not want to support their
accidentally conceived child. Your head-
line on the letter, “Fatherly Love,” is in-
appropriately sarcastic. The woman has
all the control in situations such as this.
Men have yet to experience the “libera-
tion” women have by being able to extri-
cate themselves from future obligations
by means of abortion.
John A. Rossler, President

PORN PATROL

I've found a way to beat the decency
advocates at their own game. I read an
editorial in my local paper describing the

ies of the DuPage Citi-
zens for Decency, a group that
published the “DuPage Busi-
ness Decency Report.” Out of
curiosity, 1 ordered the report.
The introduction state ‘This
booklet consists of two separate
Part One lists busi-

parts.
nesses that are not selling
pornographic material. [We]

arc grateful to the owners and
managers of these businesses for
conducting their operations re-
sponsibly. These businessmen
and businesswomen should be
commended for considering not
only the question ‘How can |
maximize my profits?” but also
How can I operate my business
without causing possible moral,
social or spiritual harm to the
people in the community?”

“Part Two is а list of business-
es that sell books, magazines,
video tapes or other products
that many might consider to be
pornographic [my emphasis].

This convenient listing is
an excellent way for Playboy
readers to strike back at these
self-appointed guardi of
American morality. Locate your
local porn patrol and use its
handy guide to fnd out which
businesses still believe in the
First / ndment

Kathleen Hague
Carol Stream, Illinois

SINGAPORE'S SEXUAL POLITICS

Until recently, residents of Singapore
were confronted daily with posters urg-
ing married couples to Утор xr Two.
These posters were part of a successful
20-year-old birth-control program, which
the government has now decided was too
successful. Government-sponsored sur-
veys show that by the ycar 2030, two
young people will be supporting one old
person, compared with the current nine
young people supporting onc old person
The prospect of a graying society trou-
bles the government, and now it is
trying to backtrack a bit on its birth-
control advocacy. In an effort to encour-
age more pregnancies, the government
has instituted several measures:
rebates, subsidies for day care, school-

tax

placement priority and generous mater-
nity leave—all for parents who have a
third child. Singapore is the first country

К Е S

in the world to offer such magnanimous
measures to promote procreation,
Mark Jenkins

Boston, Massachusctts

AIDS ALARM

1 am a 35-year-old businessman from

a small town in South Dakota. One year
ago, I went out of town on a business
trip. After a long afternoon of drinking, I
ended up in a topless bar, where I drank
І passed out.

even more. Eventually,

I will leave out the details.

That should have been the end of the
story, except that five months later, I be-
came very ill and began to lose weight. I
immediately feared that I had AIDS. I
went to a doctor т a nearby town, who
thought I was nuts to worry about AIDS
but, at my insistence, gave me the
ELISA test. Ten days later, I received a
call—the test was positive! The doctor
a confirmation test for me, the
lot, but told me that the chance
of the ELISA result’s being wrong was

Dr Joyce Brothers, the original
blonde with a brain, is doing for
Ph.D.s whot Donna Rice has done for
Phi Beta Koppas. The famous media
shrink, a pop psychologist with her
own chair on Hollywood Squares,
writes on odvice column thot is syndi-
cated throughout the U.S. For the post
year, she has been regurgitoting the
findings of the Meese-commission
zealots as though they were accepted
by the scientific community. It seems
that for Dr. Joyce, the only kind of erot-
ica thot exists is hard-core porn with
violence. A mother, we are told, finds
her !B-yeor-ocld son's collection of
hard-core, featuring nude women tied
to chairs. A father shows his nine-
year-old son оп odult movie with vio-
lence. Brothers then claims that "while
it's true pornography has been around
for a long time, it's become much
more violent and sodistic in the post
decade. Almost all pornography
humiliotes and devalues women.”
(Actually, studies show o decline in

Р О

one in 500. I confessed everything to my
wife and parents. The wait for the results
of the second test was an unbearably
stressful time for me and for them. I felt
doomed.

Incredibly, the Western-blot test was
negative. 1 was given the ELISA test
again: il was negative.

Unfortunately, some damage had al-
ready been done. Because of the guilt and
stress, | suffered a nervous breakdown,
was hospitalized for two weeks and was
put on antidepressant medication.

Га like to say that now all is well. But
it’s not. Even though a specia
me that I don't have AIDS, I still don't
understand why I tested positive in the
first place. Why was the ELISA test posi-
tive and the Western-blot test negative?
Do you think that I should be retested?
Ги still afraid that I really do have
AIDS. Гус been relatively healthy for
the past ycar— just depressed. Please help.

(Name and address
withheld by request)

Get а new doctor, one who isn't blmded

by science, The ELISA test has a false-posi-

assures

violence: Most hard-core films hove
less violence thon most R-roted films
or PG films.) Our chief Hollywood
square even formulates о new version
of the old ободе that nice girls don't.
When о mon writes to her saying that
he has met a woman who likes hard:
core, Joyce hos о hondy diagnosis:
"Women who like hard-core porn
have very low self-esteem. As women
feel better about themselves . . . the
more lurned off they ore by films ond
literature that degrade ond humiliate
them." And os for men who like hord-
core, well, you wouldn't want your
daughter to date one: "As o parent
and mother of o daughter, | hove 10
tell you | would be concerned if her
young mon were a collector of hord-
соге porn. Of course, the definitions of
pornography differ, but one of the
differences between hard-core and
soft-core porno is the amount and de-
gree of violence and aggression in-
volved. In almost all pornography, the
victim is op! to be female, or some-

М 5 Е

tive rate of up to 97 percent when used on a
general population. For every 100 people
who test positive, only three are actually
infected with the AIDS virus. The more
expensive Western blot is considered more
accurale.

Your letter is eloquent testimony against
routine testing or testing without profession-
al counseling. You don't have the virus.
Take heart and get on with your life.

PLAYMATE AND FRIEND

I stumbled across this fascinating pas-
sage from Nun, Witch, Playmate: The
Americanization of Sex, by Herbert W.
Richardson: In Playboy, “the sexually at-
tractive woman is here conceived as a
friend and equal. Thevery name Playmate
carries with it reminiscences of preado-
escent childhood, when sexual differ-
ences were not decisive for friendship
groups. The Playmate is the girl from
whom all the aggressive aspects of hu-
man sexuality have been removed. . . -
The Playmate is not of interest simply for
her sexual functions alone. The photo
montage that surrounds the Playmate

times a
child." There
you have it: Any de-
piction of the sex act victim-
izes the woman. It is sex itself that is

the villain. And as far men who like
sex, "Any young man who consistent-
ly views women as sex objects is go-
ing to be unable to have constructi
loving, healthy relationships with
them.” Welcome to the 17th Century,
Joyce. It’s fime to block that square.

portrays her in a variety of everyday activ-
ities: going to work, visiting her family,
climbing mountains and sailing, dancing
and dining out, figuring out her income
tax. She is, first and foremost, the play-
boy's all-day, all-night pal. . . . In fact, in
the playboy-Playmate symbol, there is no
longer a ‘man’s world’ and a "woman's
world.’ . . . The Playmate likes mountain
climbing, working for a living and being
independent. The playboy likes to cook
(he's а gourmet chef"), enjoys shopping for
cosmetics and fashionable clothes (for
himself), and even is interested in playing
‘mother’ to the kids. The playboy likes
children. Imagine that! The equalitarian,
nonaggressive relation between the play-
boy and the Playmate stresses the similari-
ty between the two. He enjoys sex, she
enjoys sex. . . . The implication of this fact
is that all social life can be heterosexual,
that men and women can be constant
companions and the best of friends. It
means that their sexual relation will no
longer be segmented from, but integrated
within, their total personal life together.”

Isn't that refreshing reading after years

It started ct the 1984 United
Nations International Canference on
Population in Mexico City, when the
Reagon Administration decided to
deny funding to any international
fomily-planning agency that favar-
ably mentioned abortion. Na matter
that illegal, self-induced abortions
are among the leading causes of
maternal death in the Third World; no
matter that as many as 200,000
women die each уесг in that part of
the world from such abortions; no
matter that elimination of those funds
would close down many clinics and
deny women access to badly needed

birth-control counseling.

It continued this past July, when
Reagan carried out more of the right-
wing agenda by denying Federal

of seeing nothing but negative feminist di-
atribes against the Playmates?
S. Gilbert
Miami, Florida
Yes, and we've been saying that for years!

BANK YOUR BLOOD

The AIDS scare has led to an increased
awareness that donated blood can trans-
mit serious illness. AIDS, of course, is not
the only virus transmitted. A serious hep-
atitis virus can also be contracted. Ap-
proximately five percent of people who
receive two or more units of blood acquire
a type of hepatitis that can lead to cirrho-
sis and liver failure. Although contracting
a serious virus is fairly uncommon, the risk
can cause a lot of anxiety. There is a
way to considerably decrease that risk,
though—by donating your own blood bc-
forc entering the hospital for surgery.
Since blood can be stored for as long as six
wetks, a unit of blood can be deposited ev-
егу week or so in а blood-bank account
and then used during surgery. Of those
who donate their own blood, two thirds
were able to meet their transfusion needs,

funds to domestic family-planning
clinics that counseled clients about
abortion.

Reagan's right-to-life agenda is
on a roll. Although it's at odds with
Congress, which has repeatedly dis-
approved of his measures to bon
abortions, that clearly doesn't matter
to Reagan. Facing a rapid loss of
power, prestige and influence
because of hislame-duck Presidency
and because of Irangate, Reagan has
apparently decided that he will exer-
cise his power where he can— against
family-planning clinics’ mostly low-
incame and teenaged clients. Now,
there's power!

thus seriously reducing their risk of getting
a virus from someone clsc's blood-—and
this practice helps keep other blood avail-
able for emergencies.

Apparently, not many people know that
this option exists, because only about five
percent of patients who undergo elective
surgery choose to donate their blood. It's
an option you should ask about.

L. Watson
Cambridge, Massachusetts

LEGALIZE HEROIN FOR PAIN

Senator Daniel К. Inouye has gotten a
lot of television exposure as Senate chair-
man of the Iran/Contra hearings, but he's
alo known to my organization for his
work for patients with intractable pain. In
1984, the Compassionate Pain Relief Act
was considered in Congress. This bill
would have permitted prescription of hero-
infor terminally ill cancer patients. It was
not passed—apparently because legisla-
tors thought that it would appear as if they
were seeking to legalize heroin. Inouye
reintroduced the bill in the Senate. He
pointed out that without heroin, as many
as 8000 Americans may die each year in
unnecessary agony. He also cited an arti-
cle in The New England Journal of Med-
icine that reviewed medical findings about
the unique and superior qualities of heroin
as a painkiller and noted that British
physicians consider it indispensable in the
treatment of advanced cancer.

The American Psychiatric Association
has endorsed the bill, stating that “the
effectiveness of relief of pain in terminal-
cancer patients should take priority over a
concern about ‘addiction’ of the terminal-
cancer patient and should take priority
over a concern about medication diversion
to addicts.”

The senseless prohibition against medi-
cal use of heroin for terminal-cancer pa-
tients is appalling and horrible. Many
thousands suffer because of it.

Judith Н. Quattlebaum

National Committee on the
Treatment of Intractable
Pain

Washington, D.C.

USER, BEWARE

If you have a cordless telephone, I'd ad-
vise you to use it only for ordering pizza.
Why? Because all your cordless-telephone
conversations can easily be intercepted by
anyone nearby who owns a decent anten-
na. Intercepting telephone conversations
without one party’s authorization is a vio-
lation of Federal regulations and carries a
penalty of up to $10,000 in fines and up to
five years in jail, but I've known some pco-
ple who don’t care about such little mat-
ters. Make a call on your cordless at your
own risk.

(Name and address
withheld by request)

125 Years.

You don't become smooth overnight.
We've been working at it for well over
acentury. That's why Early Times is
the smoothest tasting whisky you'll
find anywhere.

We distill it our own special way and
age it really slow, so it matures up
mellow and pleasing.

Take a sip of Early Times, and you'll
understand т a mornent, why we
spent 125 years making it this way.

ere's only one jean endorsed by the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association.
Wrangler Cowboy Cut jeans. Original style. Authentic colors. ——

Y Wrangler Cowboy Cut Jeans

x 4
f % — 1
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8 WRANGLER iS PROUD TO ВЕ A SPONSOR OF АВС. OO — "
= < 1987 WRANGLER А\/- СОМ!

en N ERWA AA z
COVERAGE OF THE 1988 WINTER OLYMPICS IN CALGARY PANY V ALEAGER IN QUALITY APPAREL
D еъ

umma GORE VIDAL

a candid conversation with the wicked wit of the west about the decline
and delightful fall of sex, politics, literature and the u.s. empire

If Core Vidal, author of the recent best
seller “Empire,” is correct, and “hislory is the
final fiction,” then it is in entertaining if mis-
chievous hands, For nearly 40 years, Ameri-
ca's wittiest and most prolific gadfly has been
providing a kind of brash counterhistory of
the republic through his novels, essays, lec-
tures, political campaigns and television ap-
pearances. A man of letters as well as popular
culture, Vidal is astonishingly productive,
with an outpouring of carefully researched
and well-read novels whose subjects range
from the fall of the Roman Empire to the
wobbly rise of the American one.

His revisionist versions of American his-
tory—his best-selling “Washington, D.C.
“Burr,” “1876,” “Lincoln” and this year's
“Empire” —are not the history taught m high
school. His acerbic sketches of this country's
most revered heroes have hardly endeared him
to what he would call America's ruling class.
Vidal, himself to the manor born, has made a
carcer of thumbing his nose at tradition in
scathing terms

At 62, despite a. fatigue-inducing disease
known as Epstein-Barr syndrome, Vidal is
still cooking. The age of Ronald Reagan has
been a fertile one for Vidal’s brand of one-lin-
ers, and he is amused to claim that it was he
who was initially responsible for getting the
Gipper elected President.

“None of our institutions are of any use at all
at this point in our history. Especially the
Presidency. And Reagan's is the most corrupt
Administration since Warren Harding's.
erybody knows Reagan is a criminal."

Vidal's literary forays outside history and
politics have often erupted into scandal, He
was one of the first novelists to create, in the
late Forties, a sympathetic, all-American ho-
mosexual character (in “The City and the
Pillar"); in the Sixties, an orgy-loving trans-
sexualist was the protagonist of his very suc-
cessful “Myra Breckinridge.”

His on-the-air sparring with William Е.
Buckley, Jr., while they were cocommentators
during the 1968 Democratic Convention was
one of TV's golden moments. (Vidal called
Buckley a “crypto-Nazi”; Buckley lashed
back, “Now, listen, you queer. Stop calling
me а crypto-Nazi or ГЦ sock you in your god-
damn face and you'll stay plastered.”) There
have also been famous feuds with Norman.
Mailer (who once took a swing at Vidal),
Truman Capote (who was sued by him) and
Bobby Kennedy (who supposedly banished
him from Camelot for laying a hand on the
bare shoulder of First Lady Jackie Kennedy)
Vidal, of course, has his oum version of all of
the above

Born at West Point, Vidal grew up in
Washington, D.C., where his grandfather
was a U.S. Senator from Oklahoma, His fa-
ther, an aviation expert who worked in
Franklin D. Roosevelt's Administration, and
mother divorced when he was ten. She was
remarried to Hugh D. Auchincloss, a descend-

“Journalists write about me as if I'm dying of
AIDS. This is wishful thinking. I am dying,
but at the usual majestic pace. 1 have a physi-
cal once a year and, other than Epstein-Barr,
and terminal hypochondria, I'm fine.”

ant of Aaron Burr's and, later, the step-
father of Jackie Kennedy Onassis. Vidal's
relatives have been well connected in Ameri
can politics for generations, one of the cur-
rent Democratic hopefuls, Senator Albert
Gore, is a distant cousin—and so, by mar-
riage, is the rock-’n’-rollers’ favorite, lyric
watchdog Tipper Gore

Vidal graduated from Phillips Exeter
Academy in 1943 but never attended college.
He served in the Army and, while a warrant
officer on a transport ship in the Aleutian
Islands, wrote his first published book, “Willi-
waw,” a war novel whose wriling was com-
pared to Hemingway's. “The City and the
Pillar,” his third novel, was released in
1948. Its treatment of homosexuality caused
а furor and, he claims, his virtual black-
balling in the publishing world.

His subsequent five novels were largely ig-
nored; he then turned to writing for television
(his teleplays and screenplays included “Visit
to a Small Planet” and “Suddenly, Last
Summer”). Vidal found an audience for the
essays he had begun to publish in 1950 (The
New York Review of Books has been his
main outlet since 1964) and then, not con-
tent to lambaste politicians and institutions in
print, he decided in 1960 to run for Congress
as а Democratic candidate in Upstate New
York. Although it was a heavily Republican

PHOTOGRAPHY BY LUCIANO TRAMONTANO
"If I had been Gary Hart, I'd have told the
reporters, ‘You guys are sick, All you can think
about is Don’t you realize there are other
relationships? Miss Rice ts one of the greatest
economists in the U.S." And walked away.”

РЕАУВОУ

district, Vidal lost the election by only a small
margin—and has been telling wry stories
about it ever since.

The writer became a politician once again
in 1982, when he plunged (some say quixoti-
cally) into the race for the Democratic nomi-
nation for U.S. Senator in California—and
‚finished second to Governor Jerry Brown out
of a field of 11 candidates. Whether or not
it's true, as has been suggested, that Vidal's
real dream was of becoming President, he
has now returned—permanently, it would
seem—lo writing and raising hell from his
abode in beautiful Ravello, high above the
Amalfi coast in southern Italy.

This, the final year of the Reagan Presi-
dency, seems an ideal time to ask Vidal to de-
liver his State of the Union address. Our
interviewer, Contributing Editor David Sheff,
whose past “Playboy Interview” subjects have
ranged from John Lennon to Ansel Adams,
first met Vidal in Moscow at the peace confer-
ence sponsored by the Soviet Union earlier
this year. Sheff's report:

“When I met with Vidal, shortly after ar-
riving in Moscow for the first lime, he was
lunching with Soviet poet Yevgeny Yev-
lushenko. Vidal was in fine form. ‘One of the
things I like about Gorbachev,’ he was saying,
‘is that he improvises a great deal, which
is the only thing you can do when you have
а country as slow-moving and resistant
to change as this one. People here are clued to
something that the Americans have yet to
wake up to—the growing irrelevance of both
our countries. Except for nuclear arms, we're
both hopeless. That is cause for union, I say. 1
view us as the two klutzes of the Northern
Hemisphere. I think we deserve each other.”

“Six months later, I arrived in Ravello.
Vidal— lo scrittore, as he is known by the lo-
cals—rarely descends from his cliffside villa,
where he is surrounded by vineyards and
panoramic views of the Amalfi coast. That
night was an exception. Vidal was holding
court al an outdoor bar on the piazza,
sharing gossip with longtime friends and
guests. The conversation, as you might ex-
pect, was long on wit and name-dropping.

“Shortly after I joined them, Vidal mo-
tioned into the dark-blue night. Suddenly,
magnificent fireworks lit up the sky. Members
of an orchestra began playing on a platform
below. The doors of the village church swung
oben and a procession began. Vidal re-
marked, ‘We thought we'd do something a lit-
Ше special for your first night in Ravello.’

“Although the festivities were actually to
celebrate the town’s patron. saint, Panta
Leone, Vidal got as much attention as the
golden effigy being paraded through Ravel-
lo's narrow streets, and he smiled like a
Medici prince at the passing crowd. ‘TI
why I come down rarely,’ he said. ‘Just like
you-know-who, the more miracles you give
them, the more they want.”

“Vidal, who divides his time between an
apartment т Rome and Ravello, where he
writes in his book-lined studio, insisted on
giving me an introductory tour of the coast
before the interview sessions began. As we
cruised the coast line and he pointed out pre-

Christian ruins and modern eyesores, I won-
dered if this man might, indeed, be one of
those lucky men to have had it all—fame, for-
tune, adventure, literary respect, academic
acknowledgment, popular recognition and
all the party invitations the world could offer.
That and a sense of having given the world
some important things to ponder. So was it all
so perfect? Maybe, maybe not. When I raised
the topics of loneliness and of Vidal's feelings
about personal relationships, I felt I was get-
ting into subjects he hadn't revealed before.

“We began our conversations, however,
squarely in the present tense.”

PLAYBOY: You scem to have been all over
the place this year, taking shots at all that
is sacred. Since it has been nearly two
decades since you last spoke with Playboy,
why don’t we begin with Gore Vidal’s cur-
rent State of the U:

institutions are of any
usc at all at this point in our history. Espe-
cially the Presidency.

PLAYBOY: Good, we have that cleared up.
And in this, the year of the Iran/Contra
hearings, what’s your verdict on the Rea-
gan Presidency?

“President Reagan is
popular as a TV performer,
period. His ideas, to the
extent that he has any,
ате not popular.”

VIDAL; Reagan’s is the most corrupt Ad-
ministration since Warren Harding’s.
PLAYBOY: You don’t think the hearings
showed, as Watergate did, that at least the
system eventually works to curb abuses of
Presidential power?

VIDAL: Quite the contrary. Since the Iran/
Contra hearings, everybody knows Reagan
is a criminal. Everybody knows he’s bro-
ken at least four or five laws of the land. If
we had a nation of law instead of a nation
of privilege for the very few, Reagan would
be impeached and imprisoned.

PLAYBOY: How were you able to watch the
Iran/Contra hearings in Ravello?

VIDAL: I watched Ollie North with an Ital-
ian voice-over, but there was enough of
him coming through to afford delight.
[Laughs] On the tube, he always had that
twinkle in his eye, as if he was on his way
to get a great hand job at some Contra
massage parlor. Safe sex, of course. Ollic
would only do safe sex.

I knew that he would move into every
American heart without actually lying but
without cver telling the truth, either, while
diverting attention to the horrifying dan-
gers of communism and how he alone has
helped save the United States. I mean,
somcone has to do it, doesn't he?

PLAYBOY: Had you been on the Congres-
sional panel, what would you have said?

VIDAL: 1 would have explained to him a lit-
Че bit about the American Constitution
and how his hatred for the Congress was а
hatred for the people. I would have asked,
“When, Colonel North, did you discover
that you hated the American people and
their representatives? At what point did
you figure that they were all wimps or
stupid, that you knew more?” If I were
President, the only thing I would allow a
lieutenant colonel in the Marines to do is
to organize a barbecue on the South Lawn
of the White House—but I would first
alert the fire department.

PLAYBOY: If Reagan is such a criminal, why
didn't Congress impeach him?

VIDAL: Our legislators want him to stay.
PLAYBOY: Why?

VIDAL: For the Democrats, in power now—
they rotate with the Republicans like
crops—what could be better than to have
a totally incapacitated Chief Executive? If,
on the other hand, there is a move to do
justice to Ron and to the country by re-
moving him, it will come from the other
crop—sorry, faction—the Republican
Party.

PLAYBOY: His own party? Why?

VIDAL: They could follow the Nixon scena-
rio. First, George Bush resigns and is par-
doned for his sins.

PLAYBOY: Wait a minute. Why Bush?
Didn't he manage to steer relatively clear
of the Iran/Contra scandal—at least as far
as the hearings went?

VIDAL: Bush is into the Contra business up
to his eyeballs. Much of it was conducted
out of the Vice-President’s office, we have
been told. There’s story after story about
Bush, his son down in Miami working for
the Contras, Bush himself being the White
House point man, just as Nixon was on
Cuba. Bush’s little specialty has been
Nicaragua. Someone’s bound to notice
ly to provide work for lawyers,
пара! task of government.

So: Bush resigns and gets pardoned.
Reagan then appoints, let us say, Howard
Baker as Vice-President, as Nixon ap-
pointed Gerald Ford. Then Reagan takes
the Walter Reed route—not feeling too
good, the White House announces. Then
ме have President Baker, who will then Бе
clected in his own right, and the Republi-
can faction will stay in power and keep the.
dark limos and clattering choppers.
PLAYBOY: Do you think Republicans are re-
ally sittingaround planning these scenarios?
VIDAL; Well, we’re sitting here in Ravello
discussing it. Don't think Georgetown is
not awash with the sound of similar
Muzak. 1 would think that at some mo-
ment, the Republicans—Robert Dole,
let's say, who seems to be a clever ma
would say, “My God, we're not only going
to lose the White House but we're going to
lose Congress and we might lose for the
next eight years and miss the fun of over-
seeing a depression!” So then Dole, with
Howard Baker, will say, “Mr. President,
you've got to leave. You're going to destroy
the party and we'll never make it again.”

PLAYBOY: So, by your logic, the Democrats
are rooting for Reagan to hang in there?
VIDAL: Sure. The Democrats are saying,
“This is wonderful! Whoever we nominate
will be elected President!”

PLAYBOY: Except Gary Hart, who removed
himself from the race this year. Did we
miss something with his fall from grace?
vipat: Hart would have been a perfectly
conventional President, just like the other
1001 dwarfs. The Presidency of Gary Hart
would have been no different from that of
Dole, no different from that of Bush, no
different from that of cousin Al Gore.
PLAYBOY: Cousin Al?

VIDAL: He’s about a sixth or seventh cous-
in, or so his father once told me. Although
the relationship will get more and more re-
mote the more I hear about that wife of
his, who wants to censor the lyrics of rock
songs. I admired his father.

PLAYBOY: If you had been Hart when the
scandal broke, what would you have done?
VIDAL: If I had been Gary Hart, I would
have gone up to those reporters from The
Miami Herald and said, “You know, you
guys are sick. All you can think about is
sex. Don't you realize there are other rela-
tionships in this world? As it happens,
Miss Rice is one of the greatest economists
in the United States, and I now have a
deep understanding of supply-side eco-
nomics.” And I would have walked away.

Instead, he gets hysterical and, of
course, blows it. Hart ought to have known
better. Everybody feels he could have been
caught, but a little charm and a bit of wit
would have got him through.

PLAYBOY: What do you think about report-
ing on the candidates’ private lives?
VIDAL: In America, if you want a successful
career in politics, there is one subject you
must never mention, and that is politics. If
you talk about standing tall, and it's
morning in America, and you press the
good-news buttons, you're fine. Ifyou talk
about budgets, tax reform, bigotry, and so
оп, you are in trouble. So if we aren't going
to talk issues, what can we talk about?
Well, the sex lives of the candidates, be-
cause that is about the most meaningless
thing that you can talk about.

Now there is a lot of tension building up
in our society. We're going broke, we're
losing our place in the world, the quality of
life goes down and the public educational
system is gone. So what shall we talk
about? Anything that can distract the folks
from taking revenge on the country’s own-
ers, who have ripped us off. Let’s talk sex.
PLAYBOY: Yet your friend Jack Kennedy
was famous for his womanizing and it was
ignored. What was the difference?

VIDAL: There was a gentleman's agreement
in those days. It was clearly understood
that one's sex life and one's political life
were two separate things.

PLAYBOY: How discreet was he?

VIDAL: The higher echelons of the press cer-
tainly knew about Jack's activities, and, of.
course, those of us who knew him knew
what he was up to a lot of the time. I don't

think anybody much cared. I mean, what
has sex to do with—let's say—the missile
gap, which he helped invent? Now, that's
important. That started the arms race. And
our current bankruptcy stems from that.

I once wrote an essay about the 12 Cae-
sars in which I said that 11 of them prac-
ticed bisexuality or homosexuality. The 12
Caesars were far more interesting than
most American Presidents. The point 1 am
making is this: In order for the state to con-
trol people, it is useful to create sexual ta-
boos. Then enforce them. Human nature is
far more complex than the enemies of hu-
manity care to admit. They want power. So
they exploit various crank religions, such as
Christianity. The Roman emperors were
simpler. They ruled through the army.
They had no interest in regulating the sexu-
al lives of their subjects—or their own, for
that matter.

PLAYBOY: But if sexual behavior determines
character—for either the Caesars or the
President—is it relevant?

VIDAL: Sexual behavior determines sexual
behavior, not character. As for sex and
cians, my father, who had a sort of
Cabinet post under Franklin D. Roosevelt,
thought that power itself was very satisfy-
ing to most of the political people he dealt
with. Their sex was politics. On the other
hand, from Napoleon Bonaparte to Alex-
ander and Julius Caesar, it seems as if the
two drives often intertwine. Who knows?
Who cares?

PLAYBOY: Was that truc for Kennedy?
VIDAL: Jack was sick, both physically and а
bit in the head. First of all, he was on corti-
sone, which makes you quite horny but not
very good at performing. He would feel
rather revved up all the time. And he was
also in competition with that terrible father
who collected movie stars like stamps.
PLAYBOY: Any opinions about the current
сгор of Democratic contenders?

VIDAL: Paul Simon wrote a very good book
оп Abraham Lincoln. On the other hand,
in the last election, he got the most money
from the Israel lobby. Wouldn't he be crip-
pled in dealing with the one billion irritable
Moslems who share the small planet with
us? Mario Cuomo could be nominated and
he could probably be elected, but Ве is
smart enough to see what's coming. А ma-
jor depression. So why not sit it out? Of
course, he may well convince himself that
something will turn up. But, of course, it
won't. And who wantsto preside over a ma-
jor depression? Who wants to be Herbert
Hoover?

As to the others, it's too soon to tell. But
how much hope can you have for a line-up
of politicians called the seven dwarfs? Any-
way, it doesn't much matter. I am for abol-
ishing the Presidency entirely, except
perhaps as a ceremonial post.

PLAYBOY: Why?

VIDAL: At Philadelphia 200 years ago, there
were a great many people who were quite
wary of the notion of a powerful executive
who would also be Commander in Chief of
the Army and Navy. Thomas Jeflerson an-

ticipated trouble. He thought that it was а
serious error to concentrate so much pow-
er in one man's hand. We were making it
quite possible for the man who would be
king to seize power. Well, in effect, this has
been happening over the years.

PLAYBOY: How?

VIDAL: From Nixon to Reagan's private
group of thugs working out of the White
House, it is apparent that the President
feels himself above and beyond the law,
that Congress is just an echoing chamber.
PLAYBOY: And what would you propose?
VIDAL: Starting all over. We need а new
Constitution in which the power of the
Government branches is redefined.
PLAYBOY: And how likely do you think that
is to happen?

VIDAL: It has to. However, it's very unlikely
that a new Constitution would solve the
problems, because the authors would in-
evitably be a part of the problem, threat-
ened by any radical reform. In the
Thirties, Lady Astor asked Stalin, “When
are you going to stop killing people?" Sta-
lin said, “The undesirable classes do not
liquidate themselves, Lady Astor." Well,
no political system is going to be abolished
by those who profit from it. They are the
ones in the White House and the Congress
and on the bench who are employed by the
one percent who own the country, whose
power is increasing, not decreasing. When
Reagan became President, one percent of
the population owned 19 percent of the
wealth. Seven years later, the one percent
owns 29 percent. This is a country for that
one percent, the ruling class.

PLAYBOY: That's stock left-wing rhetoric.
Wouldn't you admit that America is far
less class-defined than many other West-
ern countries?

VIDAL: That's the genius of our ruling class.
"They're so brilliant that no one knows
they even exist. The political-science pro-
fessors, perfectly sane men, look at me
with wonder when I talk about the ruling
class in America. They say, “You are one
of those conspiracy theorists. You think
there's a headquarters and they get togeth-
er at the Bohemian Grove and run the
United States." Well, thcy do get together
at the Bohemian Grove and do a lot of
picking of Secretaries of State, anyway.
But they don't have to conspire. They all
think alike. It goes back to the way we're
raised, the schools we went to—after all,
I'ma reluctant member of this group. You
don't have to give orders to the editor of.
The New York Times. He is in place because
he will respond to a crisis the way you
want him to, as will the President, as will
the head of the Chase Manhattan Bank.
PLAYBOY: What happened to you?

VIDAL: Every now and then, you get a mav-
erick who opts out. А sense of justice prob-
ably would be the simplest way of putting
it. But people are very shy and tend to ac-
сер! the world view that they grew up
with. And if they do well at it and if their
class is doing very well, why rock the boat?
Even if someone can't help but see how

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PLAYBOY

unjust the system is, the truth is that not
many people want to be unpopular. To go.
against the status quo is dangerous. You're
discredited, you're censored— worse.

But now our rulers are getting a bit hys-
terical. They have had only one thing go-
ing for them for 40 years, one way to hold
their power over the people aside from
moncy: The Commies are coming. Now
it's pretty plain that not only are the Com-
mies not coming, they never were, particu-
larly back when Truman and friends
invented the ongoing Cold War and
rearmed Germany, and established uni-
versal military conscription at a time when
we alone atomic weapons, world
bases, the number-one economy, while the
Russians were a second-class power sitting
on their collective ass.

PLAYBOY: Aren't you jumping the gun? No
onc high in this Government has conceded
that the Commies aren't coming.

VIDAL: Well, they're. desperate. They'll
reach out for anything. Watch out!
Nicaraguan imperialism may yet destroy
us! They cross over at San Antonio in
their Greyhound buses and rape and loot
and pillage unless Gold Star mothers unite
and the National Rifle Association mem-
bers get their guns out and we shoot their
cojones off at the border. [Laughs] We like
an occasional little word picture

PLAYBOY: Seriously, if the Soviets aren't a
threat, what happens to the world order

built around the Cold 2
VIDAL: One alternative is that we redirect
billions of dollars from defense to educa-
tion—and save the country. Otherwise,
the clearest scenario is a total economic
collapse. Which is more likely than not. As
it is, we're 20-something in quality of life.
Down to around 11 in per-capita income.
We decline and decline. We burn up our
money on “defense.” How do we keep go-
ing? The Japanese buy onc fourth of the
Treasury bonds at every auction. This
pays for our empire. The day they stop
paying for us, the game is ир.

PLAYBOY: Why would they stop?

VIDAL: Why do they continue? I can see the
Japanese becoming totally alienated from
us. We say, “Without our markets and
magnificent military machine, they can’t
survive.” Well, they can survive very well,
indced. I see them marrying China before
the century ends. I sec them opening up
all over the world. They are brilliant at
selling. Something we used to be. They
have a global view that we lack. They were
being scolded by us—insulted by us—be-
cause they weren't doing enough for the
Third World. So they said, “All right. This
year, we will take the United States’ place
and put up five billion dollars for Third
World development.” Where did they put
it? Mexico. "They're building a pipeline
near Tabasco, where all the Mexican oil is.
They're building refineries. The Mexican
oil that we thought would finance our gas

guzzlers is going to go off to Japan in Japa-
nese ships. If that will be their main fuel
supply for the next 100 years, they won't
need the Middle East, on which they're al-
together too dependent right now.
PLAYBOY: OK, let’s play out your grim sce-
nario. If our economy collapses, as you
predict, what will happen politically?
VIDAL; A dictatorship. There’sa real fascist
in the American psyche, which was
zed recently by Ollie’s boyish,
charm. He appeals to the vigilante,
the lonely Gary Cooper type out there try-
ing to defend the honor of womanhood
and property against hoodlums. It has al-
ways been part of the American myth, yet
it’s a fascist notion, because it goes against
the whole idea of law and order and due
process.

PLAYBOY: So what do we do?

VIDAL; Imitate the Russians. They are in a
worse mess than we are. They are trying to
save themselves from economic inertia,
from becoming a Third World nation. So
they are turning inward. They will get out
of Afghanistan and Poland. I used to tease
Soviet friends about Poland, a country
they hate as much as the Poles hate them.
I'd say, “Why don’t you just pull out and
turn Poland оуег to the United States?
Stop all aid to the Poles. Let the United
States step in and pay Poland’s bills. Two
birds with one stone.” 1 suspect that that
is what Gorbachey is doing—trying to
do—turning the Soviet Union inward. The

STYLES VARY

next U.S, President—if we have а Presi-
dent—is going to have to forget foreign af-
fairs—the only fun Presidents have—and
go domestic. He'll have no choice. There's
going to be a good deal of internal strife.
In spite of all our secret police and all the
killings and all the people sent to prison.
Did you know we rank number three in the
world in people in prison?

PLAYBOY: Are you referring to all prisoners
or to political prisoners?

vipat: I call them political and so do the
blacks, but the whites don't. I would say
half the blacks in prison are, in a sense, po-
litical prisoners. The land of the free fol-
lows South Africa and the Soviet Union in
the number of people in prison.

Of course, it's the dream of all rulers to
have as many people in prison as possible.
It's my dream to have them in prison, start-
ing with Ronald Reagan and working my
way to George Bush and to most of Con-
gress. [Sinister smile] We all have our pri-
orities. There's a wonderful Russian
Every madman has his agenda."
iyway, it may be that Gorbachev will
save us, because he has opened the possi-
bility of the end of the Cold War. If we re-
spond, we have а chance. If that budget is
not cut and we don't stop the “The Rus-
sians are coming" propaganda, there isn't
going to be an economy.

PLAYBOY: Conservatives would argue that
the Sovicts have not stopped their ad-
vance, that glasnost is just cosmetic.

VIDAL: Anyone who knows any history
knows that they are not moving anywhere.
Anyone who knows any history knows that
the United States has been constantly on
the move since 1847. 125 the mind-set.
“They're on the march!” We always had to
have a rationale for expansionism, and
Americans, as we were basically Anglo-
Saxon then, held the Anglo-Saxon preten-
sions about white man's burden, believing
our institutions were better than those of
anyone else and that we would bring frec-
dom, justice and little Lord Jesus to other
people, whether they wanted him or not.
PLAYBOY: You sce no aggressive Soviet
moves? What about Czechoslovakia, Po-
land and Afghanistan?

VIDAL: Yes, they went into Afghanistan and
they did very badly there, but it wasn’t as
dumb as our invasion of Cuba nor as total-
ly insane and disastrous as our Vietnam
adventure. Yes, they did take the eastern
European countries as buffer states. With
our connivance. A part of the Truman
phony Cold War. We had to have an ene-
my. Stalin was a monster. So we pinned
him down in the dismal corner of Europe
and let him persecute his captives. Our
"conservatives," to choose a polite word,
like to say that Stalin really won the war
and the Soviets doubled their territory.
They didn’t quite do that, but we quadru-
pled that

PLAYBOY: On what map do you basc that?
VIDAL: They got eastern Europe. We got

Germany and Japan and western Europe.
Now, face it: Would you rather have Ger-
many, Japan and western Europe or
would you be happier with Romania and
Czechoslovakia?

PLAYBOY: You don’t sce a difference be-
tween allies and satellites? The U.S. has
not taken over its allies.

VIDAL: We have had military control—
bases, atomic weaponry, troops—in the
Axis powers Germany, Italy and Japan ev-
cr since 1945, We invented NATO to con-
trol our European allies, militarily, under
our suzerainty. Only De Gaulle ever ob-
jected, and much good it did him. We oc-
cupied England in 1948 with our B-29s,
and it’s still occupied. Latin America is
more or less within the empire, as are Aus-
tralia and, in part, the Asian countries.
Now let’s hear again about the Soviet
menace. They're winning all the big ones.
Like Cuba.

PLAYBOY: There still is a difference. They
forcibly took over.

VIDAL: We have taken over to the extent
that we have wanted to, and Japan and
Europe have obeyed us loyally. We have
our bases there and they have done what
we want. There’s been no rebellion against
us, because while we were bullying every.
one, they—particularly Japan and Ger-
many—were busy mastering the 20th
Century world while the United States lost
its grip as a mercantile powcr.

PLAYBOY: Largely, because Germany and

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PLAYBOY

Japan could rely on Ameri

ican defense.
VIDAL: We gavc them no choice, particular-
ly Japan. They were able to put everything
into business, and then they took our busi-
ness away from us.

PLAYBOY: American tradition is not to dic-
tate to Japan or Germany or its other allies
how to live or how to run their countries.
"The Soviet tradition is somewhat different,

wouldn't you agree?
VIDAL: You don’t think we're trying to tell
the people of Nicaragua and El Salvador
how to live? Were we trying to tell the peo-
ple of Vietnam how to live? For decades,
we have determined the governments of
Germany and Japan. Things now crum-
ble. Slowly. Of course, the Soviets’ system
is repressive. It’s inherent in their culture
But you can be certain that if our clients
were to get seriously out of line, we'd tight-
en the screws. Yet according to Ron and
the system he works for, it’s the Reds who
are perpetually on the march

PLAYBOY: You once predicted that Ronald
Reagan could never be President, because
the United States isn’t yet Paraguay

VIDAL: Well, as I said shortly after his elec-
tion, “Welcome to Asuncién.” [Laughs]
Did you know that 1 made Reagan Presi-
dent in the first place? I was casting a new
version of [my Broadway play] The Best
Мап, and I refused to cast Reagan on the
ground that he wouldn't be convincing as
a Presidential candidate. I picked Melvyn
Douglas, because he would have been
quite a good President, come to think of it
Had I given Reagan the job, his career
would have been reyived and he would
never have gone into politics.

Anyway, we were talking about the rul-

ing class. If it weren't a prerequisite that
ou have millions of dollars to run for
office, you might have something resem-
bling democracy, which we have never
had. The founding fathers were just as
terrified of democracy as they were of
monarchy—and curiously enough, we're
tending toward monarchy now, rather
than toward democracy. As a result, half
the people never vote at all, and it’s not
because they're stupid or apathetic. 105
because they think, What’s the point?
"There's nothing to vote for. "There's only
one political party, the property party,
and it represents the owners of the coun-
try. It has two wings, the Democratic and
the Republican, but it’s basically the
same party, paid for by the same peopl
The candidates are all the same. If there
are two parties in the United States, they
are the 50 percent of the electorate that re-
fuses to vote—I'm the leader of that par-
ty—and the 50 percent that docs vote in
Presidential elections. Not voting is as
much оГап act as voting,
PLAYBOY: Historian Arthur Schlesinger
says it’s all in the cycles—that the swing of
the pendulum evens things out, giving us
the kind of stability other countries envy.

VIDAL: Arthur, watch out! Here it comes;
oh, my God, the pendulum! Crassshhhh!
The pendulum got Arthur. My God, it can
get any of us.

PLAYBOY: So you don't subscribe to his the-
ory of cycles as it applies to our elections?
VIDAL: There’s something the French call
la politique du pire. In moments of despera-
tion, I tend to it—that you vote for the ab-
solutely worst possible person in order to
bring on the crisis a little sooner. Reagan
was ideal for that. He has polarized the
country, disturbed the usual apathy
PLAYBOY: And perhaps made Americans
desperate for a change?

VIDAL: Which they won't get. People felt
that Kennedy was going to be a radical
change, but by the time Jack was killed, he
had proved that he didn’t represent any-
all the candidates as
being essentially the same person, with the
same viewpoints and the same limitations
Obviously, some have more talent than
others and they vary in character and per-
haps even wisdom. but it’s systemic. Indi-
viduals cannot affect a system that has just
run out of gas.

PLAYBOY: Let's go back to a time before the
system ran out of gas. What would have
happened had Kennedy not been shot?
VIDAL: He would have gone on with the war
in Vietnam. Maybe not as long as Lyndon
Johnson did, but he loved war. He found it
very exciting and dramatic. 1 was in the
White House one day and there he was,
busy designing the uniform for the Green
Berets. He picked the green beret, green
for mother Ireland, and he was designing
the little insignia that went on the lapels. I
said, “The last chief of state I know of who
designed military uniforms was Frederick
the Great of Prussia.” Jack was not very
amused by that.

PLAYBOY: What about Kennedy’s record?
VIDAL: Hopeless. He was a wonderful man
and great fun, very witty, the best compa-
ny on earth, the greatest gossiper who ever
lived, though Walter Mondale is pretty
good in the gossip department, too. Jack
would tell you where everybody on earth
was—and with whom.

‘Jack was very punctilious about John-
son, because he knew mot only that
Johnson didn’t like him but that he
was potentially dangerous politically. In
those days, when the Vice-President came
into the room, everybody took cover, in-
cluding me. But Jack wanted Lyndon to Бе
happy. He introduced him to a very young
beauty with a very rich old husband. Lat-
er, Jack heard that they had got on very
well, indeed. Jack was astonished [imitates

1 “Isn't Lyndon a little too young
?" [Laughs]

What do you think of Johnson's
Presidency?

VIDAL: I think [biographer] Robert Caro is
going to show that he was probably the
most corrupt man in public life the United
States has ever known. Не was also опе
of the most interesting—as а politician.
My father, with Amelia Earhart, started

thing new. No, I s

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PLAYBOY

something called Northeast Airlines. In
the Fifties, Northeast, which had never
been profitable, was trying to get a Miami
route, which they thought could turn thc
Eline around ЇКА ctl itn Е
of Representatives with John McCormack
from Boston, the Speaker. Johnson at the
time was Senate Majority Leader. A high
official of Northeast asked my father to
give Johnson $30,000 in cash—he thought
my father was the logical person, since he
had been in Roosevelt’s Administration
and had known Johnson. My father said,
"But that’s a bribe!” The official said, “ОГ
A course it’s а bribe.” And my father said,
“Well, I don't understand it. Does John-
Le Parc offers you a great luxury suite | лиг aic frac uc
He said, “No, he couldn't care less, but he
even when your budget affords | eyes w рый for every single vot
that he delivers." My father refused to do
a good hotel room. it, and somebody else gave the money to
‚Johnson and they got the route to Miami.
T have told that story for years and nobody
erat oiee t Nas Е
all of this out in great detail.
PLAYBOY: How about Johnson's record on
issues such as civil rights?
VIDAL: He and Kennedy were just complet-
ing the work of the New Deal. Jack's death
made Johnson able to get through a lot of
legislation in one year. I’m not saying that
Johnson didn't have some interesting
ideas. In domestic matters, he was not a
fool. But he was a crook and certainly Ве

entertainment center fool about Vi That ad
A Н ; I = > was а fool about Vietnam. at adventure
arate from ceping area. Ir in a d
sep: from the sleeping area. And, if your in-suite facilities still aren't кере тати aaa

sufficient for your company, our conference rooms and multi-lingual staff | Only internally and militarily but econom-

t Le Parc Hotel we

believe in business.
And good value is good
business. All 154 luxury
suites at Le Parc come
equipped with multi-lined
telephone systems. Each
suite provides for a com-
fortable conversation/

are there to run things your way. ically. That's when the big debts came.
W: also believe in relaxation. Thats where the rooftop tennis court Let me give you my full historical per-
comes in, and the swimming pool, the spa, the g gym, the private рака ПЕ уна арр О

spect, was that they had had a winner with
Eisenhower——

PLAYBOY: Who is they?

VIDAL: The ruling class. Now, Eisenhower
did give an embarrassing speech warning
against the military-industrial complex
and thus almost gave away the game, but
he had served it loyally. When it came to
1960, and the candidates were Kennedy
and Nixon, they preferred Nixon, but they
could live with Jack. He was a member of
the team. Then he invaded Cuba. Disas-
ter. Then he puffed up the Missile Crisis,
which made the world unsafe for a few
minutes, and then he started the war in
Vietnam. All in all, not a great record.
Then he was removed from this vale of
Hotels. Our flagship Beverly Hills hotel, е E
LErmitage, is the only all-suite Five Star, Five Johnson, who turned out to be a madman
оп the subject of his cojones in Vietnam

Diamond hotel in А o 7
All five LErmitage howls — LERMITAGE HOTELS, 800-424-4445 | Не ran up huge debis. Kept taxes down

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ood business also

dictates a good
location. Ours is excel-
lent: a quiet residential
street at Melrose and
La Cienega, imme-
diately adjacent to.
Beverly Hills. The recording, movie and design
industries are our neighbors and downtown is
only 20 minutes away.

€ Parc is a member of LErmitage

: Ç The day that Wall Street demonstrated
are intimate, luxury, all- against he Vietnam war, I knew the fol-
suite hotels and share the lowing: that the war was over, that that
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the next President. And, indeed, they did.
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PLAYBOY

Roosevelt, Nixon is probably ıhe only
President who has becn worth a damn.
PLAYBOY: Why?

VIDAL: Because of détente with the Soviet
Union and the opening up of China. For-
get his motives. They were always base.
You must never worry about motives in
politics. What matters is what is done.

But then they find out that he's nuts,
too, and that he's got this little flaw in his
character that no matter how marvelously
his back is being scratched, he must get it
against the wall. He nearly brings down
the republic, brings on a constitutional cri-
sis and flirts with dictatorship.

Now, if you're running the United
States, what do you pick next? What about.
a liberal Southerner who believes in God
and will dean up the image of the office,
which is a little sordid after Johnson and
Nixon? They get Jimmy Carter. Like ev-
eryone ele, I'm skipping Gerald Ford.
Beuy is something else. But Carter gets
bogged down in details and there's far too
much Jesus even for their taste.

Now there's real ра у
Why don't we get the best TV-commercial
pitchman in the business? And they did.
They hired the old actor to read their lines
for them. And he gave them everything
they wanted. They wanted tax cuts, not
only for individuals but particularly for
corporations. Не cut all those taxes and
then he ed the poor in the ass, which
they love; that’s fun for them. He gave all
our money to the military while generally
staying out of wars. He was ideal, but the
chickens are coming home to roost. He
decided to go covert in a way that other
Presidents have done, though not so exu-
berantly or so stupidly, and he got caught.
Now, that's where we are. Who will they
give us next?

PLAYBOY: Do you also feel that people and
countries get what they deserve?

VIDAL: God, no. I have more compassion
for my countrymen than that.

PLAYBOY: Perhaps. But you haven't alw:
been so cynical —

VIDAL: Realis!
PLAYBOY: Whichever. А critic wrote that
yours has been a “destiny unfulfilled” bc-
cause you were never President. Do you
feel that was ever a glimmer?
VIDAL: I was brought up to be a politician,
but I was born a writer, which I never par-
ticularly wanted to bc. I didn't have any
choice in the matter. If I had wanted to be
President, I promise you I would have
found a way—though the thing, finally, for
the individual, is accident—right time,
right place. Also, I would have to have
made myself seem like all of them and hid-
den any signs of the lurking reformer. You
must be really ignorant to be successfully
false. I 25, I wrote that
Christianity was the greatest disaster ever
to befall the West. There, to put it mildly,
ic—even Duluth.

In the 1960 election, when you
ran for Congress, what broke your ties
with the Kennedys?

VIDAL: In the New York Republican district
in which I ran, I got the most votes any
Democrat had received since 1910. I lost
by a very small margin. 1 also ran 20,000
votes ahead of Jack Kennedy, at the top of
the ticket. He always said [imitates ].F.K.],
“The most embarrassing thing about 1960
was Claiborne Pell running 1,000,000
votes ahead of me in Rhode Island and
Gore 20,000 ahead of me in Upstate New
York.” Had he not done so badly, I would
have been elected.

On Halloween night, Bobby Kennedy
arrived at a Democratic gathering in the
district. He was two hours late and gave
опе of the worst speeches Гус ever heard.
Afterward, he came up to me and said [im-
itates R.F.K.]. “Why don't vou ever men-
ket?" 1 said, “Because I want to
vway, bad blood flowed ever
since Halloween. Later, I wrote a piece in
which I expressed my deep dislike of Bob-
by Kennedy, the FBI and his policies as
Attorney General. I took him to task for
not riding herd on J. Edgar Hoover. He
didn't appreciate that.

PLAYBOY: And he once threw you out of the
House, didn't he?

VIDAL: Truman Capote gave an interview.
in which he went into great detail about
how Bobby Kennedy had thrown me out
ofa party to which Capote had not been
invited. I took him to court. He was found
guilty of libel. He then appealed but
couldn't afford the appeal and wrote me а
g that he had lied and

he knew that he had lied, so I withdrew
the sui

‚ The actual event was pretty unin-
I was squatting beside Jackie’s
chair. We were talking. There was no arm
or back to the chair, so Ё had one hand on
her shoulder, to balance myself. Bobby
came along and removed the hand. What
followed was not the most brilliant ex-
change. I went up to him and said, “Don't
ever do that in.” Each of us then, un-
witnessed by anyone, told the other to fuck
off, Then came dinner. Later, ] left the
White House in a car with Arthur
Schlesinger, Jr., George Plimpton and
John Kenneth Galbraith. So much for the
dramatic story, so popular in neo-Nazi
circles.

PLAYBOY: Arc you still friends with Jackic?
VIDAL: I never see Jackie. A mutual sister
Straight, Vidal’s half sister and
stepsister] keeps us informed.
Years later, we ran into each other in a lift
in London on my 50th birthday.

PLAYBOY: Did she wish vou a happy birth-
day?

VIDAL: I'm afraid two of the cooler people
ofour time stared with mouths ajar at cach
other. Then I turned, impolitely, away.
PLAYBOY: That's not your only celebrated
feud. There was one with Norman Ma
who decked you at a dinner party.
VIDAL: He swung at me and grazed my lip
and I pushed him away and he fell back-
ward on top of Max Palevsky. Max
thought it was a hostile act, throwing
Mailer at him. It all was over something I

had written, а defense of women’s libera-
Чоп in which I had a paragraph or so
about Mailer's Prisoner of Sex. Norman
took great umbrage. But that was long
ago. Only the media remember these
things, getting the details wrong and miss-
ing the point. These “feuds” arc largely
the work of others; I’m not the ir
though Capote had an interesting
them. In his pretrial deposition [in Vidal's
libel action against him], he said, “Gore
never starts a quarrel, but he incites you to
it; then he’s ready a gun.

PLAYBOY: Is it a way of amusing yourself?
VIDAL: Well, I like fighting. It's part of the
Anglo-Irish heritage, I suppose. But I also
deplore ii

PLAYBOY: Do you want to say anything
about William Е. Buckley, Jr, with whom
you had your most notorious feud?

VIDAL: A figure of no consequence, whom I
neither read nor watch.

PLAYBOY: Back to your life as а politician.
Why didn't vou run again in 19642

VIDAL: I got smarter, I made a conscious
¡sion nof to go to the House of Repre-
sentatives. As Jack always said, "Thc
House of Representatives is a can of
worms." I certainly wasn't going to hang
around Washington listening to that
buzzer go off for the voting in the House.
It's a pretty grim place, unless that's to be
your carcer; it wasn't going to bc minc,
and I didn't see a Senate scat opening up
in the near future.

PLAYBOY: Until 1982, when you ran in the
California primary against Jerry Brown.
VIDAL: And could have won.

PLAYBOY: Why didn't you?

VIDAL: 1 couldn't have won the general
election. The Republicans would have
spent $50,000,000 to buy that seat for Pete
Wilson.

PLAYBOY: Then why did vou run?

VIDAL: 1 had been lecturing up arg down
, getting large crowds. I realized
it was a moment in our republic’s history
when the people were getting nervous.
Even Carter had detected a malaise. I de-
cided that I would go against Brown, be-
cause he was weak and I could beat him.
However, I was death to the wine-and-
cheese liberals, who always suspected that
I might be for real, while they knew that
Brown was not—hes a good beggar,
though, which is what politics is today,
begging people for money.

Still, I decided to have some and
make people read about the election. I
started at five percent and ended with 15
percent and about half a million votes,
ich is quite a lot. You must remember
that there arc many people who are very
terested in what 1 am politically and
they don’t very often have anybody to vote
for. 1 was awakening them and vo
their objections to things in the socien
› you ran because it was your
patriotic duty?

VIDAL: I never wanted it said of me, “Oh,
he just complained. He never did any-
thing.” Well, there’s no other critic who

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PLAYBOY

has run for the House in New York and the
Scnate in California as well as cochaired a
political раму. 1 have been more of an ac-
tivist than any other writer in our history.
PLAYBOY: You've said, “I write to make art
and change society" and “A writer with an
audience has more power than most Con-
gressmen." Do you still believe that?
VIDAL: I’m not so sure anymore. They al-
low you to be rich and famous, but they
don't allow you to be influential, so what
influence you do have is very indirect. To
the extent that you're allowed to express
your ideas, they are apt to fall upon fertile
soil, and you may set offa chain of reaction
that you'll never know about. Who knows
what future political genius I may have in-
spired? And you can have more visibility.
Alter all, with the exception of Teddy
Kennedy, 1 suppose 1 am better known
than anybody in the Senate, which isn't
saving very much, because people aren't
awfully interested in Senators

PLAYBOY: Lets say some of the things
you've called for have taken place—a new
Constitution, no President and a parlia-
mentary system of which you are a part.
What do we do first?

VIDAL: We dismantle the defense budget.
Ме withdraw from NATO. We stop all aid
to the Middle East. And we abolish the op-
erative end of our secret services, spe-
cifically the CIA. The savings there alone
would balance the budget. Then 1 would
do a crash course in education with thc
money that is being saved and not being
wasted on stockpiling nuclear weapons.
PLAYBOY: How, briefly, would you restruc-
ture the educational system?

VIDAL: The idea is simple: to téach children
to think and to tell them what other people
have thought. To do that, 1 would make
history the spine of any educational sys-
tem. Га start with the big bang and the
cosmos and the Garden of Eden—give all
the theories to the six-year-olds. Then
keep going, so that by the time they're 17,
they will be getting today’s history and
they will have gone through at least an
outline of the story of the entire humai
race and will know not only about the
Western world, from which we come, but
also about the East.

Along the way, the kids would come
naturally to the various sciences, and
those who are going to specialize in one
another will sort of bend off in a given di-
rection. Also, it would be obligatory to
learn one foreign language, which should
include (itis, Japanese and Russian.
night have an educated
id, an awful lot of our po-
litical problems would go away.

PLAYBOY: Nothing too radical there.

VIDAL: Try to get it through the system,

though. The politicians are quite happy

with the way things are. If you ran a coun-

try like the United States and were cur-

rently ripping it off, you certainly wouldn't

want an educated citizenry

PLAYBOY: What happens to American for-
ign policy in the world according to Gore?

vipat: I think the United States should
mind its own business for a while.
PLAYBOY: And do what, for instance, in the
Middle East?

VIDAL: I don’t think we should give aid to
Isracl or Egypt or Jordan or sell radar
planes—or whatever—to anybody. Pull
ош of the Middle East and pull out of
Central America.

PLAYBOY: Thats a brisk policy. What
about the Philippines and other trouble
spots around the world?

VIDAL; Let them all go. Ofall the really un-
important countries, the Philippines takes
the cake. It's an issue only because it used
to be our property. What the Marcos fami-
ly did not steal, Aquino’s family will now
steal. Nobody scems to know it's the same
family. They just have different names. We
don’t have any understanding of that part
of the world.

PLAYBOY: How about Korea?

VIDAL: Let it go. Nobody cares.

PLAYBOY: The Persian Gulf? All that oil?
VIDAL: The big terror is supposed to be that
the Russians will become the new allies of
Iran and they'll end up taking all that oil,
righ? OK, let's say they've got the oil.
What are they going to do with it? Drink
it? Deny it to western Europe unless every-
body in western Europe gives up his
Rolex? Are they going to burn it up be-
cause they're evil? No. ГІІ tell you exactly
what they'd do. They would—brace your-
self—sell it, because they need hard cur-
тепсу, and their oil might actually be
cheaper than what we buy from the oil
cartel, which fixes prices.

PLAYBOY; What is your prescription Юг
fighting Arab-sponsored terrorism?

y itself. The Israclis are go-
ing to have to give back the land they have
stolen from the Palestinians, and create a
pluralist state. Nothing else will work.
"There is no morality in politics. There
are only interests. And it is not to our in-
terest to have the hatred of 150,000,000
Arabs, the hatred of onc billion Moslems.
They hate the United States because of
our connection to Israel. 1 was a great
Zionist when the thing started. Lebanon is
what turned me around. 1 realized that not.
only is the Israeli leadership demented but.
the Shamir/Sharons are active fascists in
the way that the Reagan/Rehnquists are
passive fascists.

PLAYBOY: It’s that kind of statement that
has gotten you branded as anti-Israel and
even ani
VIDAL: I have made myself very clear on the
subject. Isracl has skewed American poli-
tics like nobody's business. It is going to
stop soon. When the American people
wake up to it and realize what is going on,
they are going to be very, very angry. We
haven’t got the moncy to support Israel.
You think the Japanese are going to give us
money to give to Israel to beat up on the
Arabs and to make nuclear weapons?

PLAYBOY: What do you think of sanctions to
equalize the trade imbalance with Japan?
VIDAL: I think they're pointless. Japan has

won economically. We live on their
sufferance. If we make them really angry,
they will cut us loose. Then what do we
do? Join Argentina and Brazil and Mexico
as the bankrupt Western Hemisphere?
Japan could even live without us as a ma-
jor market. China and Russia and even
western Europe will take up the slack.
PLAYBOY: If you feel that governments
should mind their own business, then
should they meddle in South Africa?
VIDAL: Га stop all meddling. We're too
small, too poor and too ignorant to try to
тип the world. This isn’t 1945, when we
were all-powerful. Га pull out of every-
where and try to become again what we
were once very good at—making and sell-
ing consumer goods. Another point that
few have noticed: The nation-state is
finished.

"The future—if we make it to the fü-
ture—belongs to the multinational, which
means extranational, conglomerates. We've
seen only the evil side of them, which is
that they have no loyalty to any country,
that they rip off everybody, won't pay tax-
es, and so forth. On the other hand, they
are beyond nationalism, which is good.
They're outside the nation-state. Ulu-
mately, they're going to want a peaceful
world, a well-educated world—so they
can sell better gadgets. ITT will not allow
you to bomb Moscow, because Moscow is
а big market. Can you imagine if they put
up an expensive skyscraper in downtown
Moscow and we got a crazy fundamental-
ist President who believed in Armageddon
and wanted to blow up the capital of the
evil empire? ITT would say, “Oh, no you
don’t. We've just made a big real-estate
commitment there. Forget it. Pick on

somebody your own size. Like Jamaica.”
PLAYBOY: Just as briefly: What do you think

is going on in Gorbachev's Russia?
VIDAL: I think that what Gorbachev is do-
ing is disarming—unilaterally. He can't
tell his own people that, because his gener-
als would go up the wall. And he can’t tell
us that, because he can’t give away those
bargaining chips, as Nixon would say. Yet,
in practice, he’s cutting back on the mili-
tary and putting the money elsewhere. It
would be nice if he could persuade us to do
the same thing, but he has already figured
out that we're going broke anyway, so it
doesn’t matter what we say or do.
PLAYBOY: Let’s move to your social ideas.
You've said you would legalize drugs. De-
fend that in the cra of “Just say no.”
VIDAL: Legalizing drugs would remove all
drug-related crime, which is most of or-
ganized crime. There would be no play-
ground pushers, because there would be
no money in it. It would be the end of the
Mafia, the end of the С
caine from Asia and Latin America, as it
used to do during the Vietnam war and
still seems to be doing in Central America.
Most people don’t want to die, so most
people won't become addicts. The ones
who will die are going to die any
PLAYBOY: That's being pro-choice in a

way

fairly brutal way.

VIDAL: Beyond all the individual issues, the
big one is, Do we want the state to be pa-
ternalistic and determine what we eat and
drink, how we dress and so on? In my Ше-
time, we have moved away from a concept
of the state as being something to run the
post office. A convenience to protect per-
sons and property. For what it’s worth, the
founders didn’t think that the Federal
Government should be in the business of
legislating private morals. To underline
the point, they gave us a Bill of Rights.
Anyway, I never thought I'd live to see the
day when a President would get up in the
Congress, where before him stood, sym-
bolically, George Washington, Thomas
Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln, and talk
about abortion. Reagan symbolizes the end
of the American republic.

Whether you have an abortion, what
you put in your own body, with whom you
have sex—these are not affairs of the state.
A government does not exist to control the
citizens. When it does, it is а tyranny,
and must be fought. The tree of liberty,
Jefferson warned us, must be refreshed
with the blood of tyrants and patriots.
PLAYBOY: Do you consider mandatory birth
control, which you favor, a state concern?
VIDAL I see that coming anyway. The
planet last summer celebrated the birth
of its five-billionth inhabitant. It simply
won't support unlimited growth.

PLAYBOY: But how can you justify telling
people whether or nor they can have chil-
dren and, if so, how many and not give
prescriptions about abortion or drug use?
VIDAL: Wantonlv adding a life to a socicty is
just about as arbitrary and aggressive as
taking a life. What you do in the way of ba-
by making stays on for another generation
alter you've departed this Slough of De-
spond, because the society can't support
the child and there may be nothing at all
for it to do. I think most people should be
discouraged from having children, because
most people have no gift for parenthood
Most parents realize this eventually. The
children, of course, realize it right away
PLAYBOY: One of your long-standing goals
is to see religion taxed, isn't it?

VIDAL: Oh, yes. God, I get applause with
that one from audiences everywhere. Yes, I
would tax the lot, including the TV evan-
gelicals. The founding fathers’ idea of ex-
empting churches from taxation had to do
with the property tax on the little white
church on Elm Street. It was not meant to
exempt the little white church’s portfolio
of stocks in Union Carbide and Standard
Oil. An interesting reason for the deterio-
ration of the older American cities is that
so much of their more valuable real estate
was—is—owned by church and temple.
Since these properties are largely tax-ex-
empt, municipal governments go broke.
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about a continu-
ing issue of this era—Attorney General
Edwin Meese and his commission?

VIDAL: Yet another assault on the First

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Amendment. Pornography is а nonissue
but a lot safer to talk about than taxing
Wall Street’s Trinity Church.

PLAYBOY: Then why have Meese and other
so-called moralists—the cvangelical TV
ministers—gotten so much attention?
VIDAL: According to Schlesinger's pendu-
lum number, there's always a kind of ebb
and flow. When politicians need diversion,
they start talking about prayer in school,
pornography, homosexuality and drugs.
Тһагъ when they want to keep you from
watching what they're doing. It's like the
magician who's picking your pocket with
his right hand and distracting you with
gestures with his left hand. Whenever I sce
anybody pushing those issues, I start look-
ing very seriously at tax reform and sce
what he's up to. Fawn Hall, Donna Rice,
Jim and Tammy Bakker arc all diversions.
Sexy, but diversions.

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about AIDS. Have vou
anything rcvisionistic to say about that?
VIDAL: Well, there is one definite plus from
this horrible disease—the fact that birth
control will now be universal as people re-
sort to rubbers, so it will cut the

ply, and that’s a good thing. One odd
thing—for an epidemic that has created зо
much hysteria in the press, the numbers
are so small.

There's an awful lot of sex going on in
western Europe, at least here in southwest-
em Europe, and there are very few cases of
AIDS. Many more people would die on a
bad day of the influenza epidemic in 1917
than have died in seven, eight, ten years of
this. The practicing of safe sex has cut
down the rate of new cases in San Francis-
co and the gay communities around the
world, and the famed heterosexual com-
munity, whoever and whateyer it may bi
seems not to be overly afflicted. So here is
the question: What could it be that has
caused so much distress? Could it be the
hatred of faggots? Of casual sex? Even, God
help us, of Haitian refugees? I think it
PLAYBOY: How is AIDS affecting sex?
VIDAL: It's going to be interesting to see the
eflect it has on those who are by nature
promiscuous. In my youth, I was always a
devotee of promiscuity, and my generation
did not have penic could get
syphilis at any time, which could be a
death warrant. We could wander around
with it and not know it and give it to other
people, who could suddenly die of it. We
were shown horrendous movies im thc
Army that preached, “Beware of syphilis
and bad girls off the post,” showing drip-
ping cocks in lurid color, with huge chan-
cres. They showed us the V.D. films at
least once a month to get everybody out of
the mood for sex, which, of course, did no
good at all. But, as with AIDS, there was
no real cure for syphilis then. Gonorrhea
was the same. Doctors used to have to
stick a little umbrella up your cock, and
then they opened it up inside and reamed
it out to get rid of the gonorrhea. They
were very proud of how extremely painful

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it was, showing once again that sin was be-
ing punished

Anyway, the postpenicillin generation
has no idea that there was ever any risk at
all in sex. So what it means socially is
quite interesting. What will young people
do? They used to have sex, you know.
They don't now. What will take its
PLAYBOY: According to you, poli
better bang, anyway
VIDAL: [Smiles] When 1 wrote “Sex is poli-
tics,” I was speaking hyperbolically
PLAYBOY: And there arc those who suggest
that mother nature is weeding out the pop-
ulation with AIDS.
VIDAL: Which proves what an ironist moth-
er nature is. The onc group that does not
add to the population and, therefore, is in
the truest sense altruistic is the onc group
to get knocked off. It should obviously be
the heavy breeders that get the plague if
nature was looking out for our best inter-
ests. People who did not make babies
would be preserved and the baby makers
would die. Pm afraid mother nature
doesn't really likc the human racc, but
then, why should she?
PLAYBOY: What's the scrious political dan-
ger in all this?
VIDAL: That they start locking people up.
However, what if you run a blood test on
everybody in the United States and you
find that 2,000,000 have the antibody bub-
bling around in their blood? You can't lock
up 2,000,000 people. And a lot of people
tested will show up negative and the dis-
ease will show up a week later, а year lat-
er, five years later, from past activity
PLAYBOY: What docs one do responsibly?
VIDAL: I think you educate and you take
precautions and that’s the end of it. The
miniplague will run its course or they'll
find a cure or both, Some people are natu-
rally immune. Why? There the cure begins.
PLAYBOY: Will AIDS causc the return of
some of the taboos about sex?
VIDAL: We know that there’s been a lot of
hysteria about people's being open about
sex, which violates the essential roots of
our religio-political life, roots that have
been seriously frayed during the past 20,
30 years of sexual glasnost. Out of the so-
called Judaco-Christian synthesis have
come truly perverted attitudes toward
sex—toward life, toward government, to-
ward everything. Now a backlash begins.
PLAYBOY: Do you sce this attitude spilling
over into other forms of repressior
VIDAL: Obviously, the faggots and the
needle users are the first targets, two un

r in with. I also think

I be a concerted effort on the part
of the Jesus Christers and the Orthodox

isa

Jews and Moslems to smash to bits the.

women's movement. Why should 2 wom-
an have sex freely? She's supposed to mar-
ry, according to God, and have sex with
only one person, her husband. She's to
have babies only from him and there is a
blessed family. We could have a revival of
monogamy, not so much as a religious ide-
al but as a medical reality. “РИ be true to

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you, Mildred." “And I to you, Herman."
PLAYBOY: Or use rubbers

VIDAL: Or use rubbers.

PLAYBOY: Do you see that necessarily as а
bad thing?

VIDAL: Rubbers?

PLAYBOY: No. A revival of monogamy.
VIDAL: Certainly it would not suit me. I
personally feel that we live far too long to
be monogamous. It was a nice notion
when you might not make it to the age of
14, so you'd better impregnate someone by
13, before a rock was dropped on your
head. These days, the biggest thing keep-
ing marriages together is the vibrator.

1 see marriage as a social device to
trap the working population, traditionally
young males, in order to get them to do
work they don’t want todo in order to sup-
port their wives and family. This pattern
gocs back a long time. But it became a true
prison during the industrial revolution.
Conditioning starts at birth. First thing a
little girl got was a baby doll to get her
used to being a mother. A little boy got
soldiers, just in case, and team sports un-
der a coach just like his future factory
manager. Things are only slightly better
now. Women's liberation altered certain
ideas about the family, but the women
then were as trapped in the work force as
the men.

PLAYBOY: [t has been reported that you
have Epstein-Barr. How bad is it?

VIDAL: I may not even have it or I may be
in some kind of remission. According to
the tests, Гуе had it, so I must have it
пом it’s incurable—but I don't feel ill at
all. Anyway, much of the American popu-
lation may have been exposed. Acute
fectious mononucleosis is an aspect of it.
When it does hit, you feel as if you're on jet
lag. They—you know who “they” are by
now—are desperately trying to make it
sound like AIDS. Journalists write about
me as if I'm dying. This is wishful think-
ing. I am dying, but at the usual majestic
pace.

PLAYBOY: Have you had an AIDS test?
VIDAL: Sure. In fact, I have a physical once
a year and I always test for everything,
from syphilis and AIDS to whatever. Oth-
cr than Epstein-Barr, and terminal hypo-
chondria, I'm fine.

PLAYBOY: You've been asked about it often,
butdo you think you will ever discuss your
own sexuality in public?

VIDAL: People of my time and place don’t
discuss that sort of thing, nor do we say
how much moncy we have. I’m not all that
charmed when other people go public. I
mean, the way [Anthony] Burgess goes on
in his memoirs about his sex life; I like An-
thony, but I don't ever want to know апу-
thing about his sex life—or anyone else's.
What do you think we have fiction for?
Erotic delight. The real thing, when writ-
ten about, chills.

I'm not that involved with other people,
nor do I want them to be that involved
with me. And Гт not that involved with
myself. I'm not going to do an autobiogra-

phy. I’m not my subject. Гуе never inter-
ested myself that much.

PLAYBOY: How do you describe your rela-
tionship with Howard Austen, the man
who lives with you?

VIDAL: We've been friends for a long time:
37 years. Our paths kept crossing and he's
а good companion.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been in love?
VIDAL: No.

PLAYBOY:

Do you think you've missed

VIDAL I doubt it. Actually, if I were to
place any value judgment on it at all, I'd
say it was a plus.

PLAYBOY: Maybe that’s why Time maga-
zine called you "the disparager of all
mankind."

VIDAL: Come now. In truth, it’s a real plus
not needing people. My favorite god-awful
Iyric is “People who necd people are the
luckiest people in the world.” I turned to
Mary Martin once and said, “I think
that’s the stupidest lyric I've ever heard
E time I hear it I get anxious." She
|. "You know, so do I. I’ve always
cn song." I said, “People who
need people are in terrible trouble. I think
that’s how the lyric should go.”

PLAYBOY: Perhaps now we know why
there's so little romanticism in your work.
VIDAL: Well, let’s not start feeling sorry for
me. Of course you need people. But one's
happiness is not contingent on the moods of
others. That's the point, Obyiously, Гт
aware of lust, and in youth, I’ve been sexu-
ally obsessed, as everybody has. But when
most people say “I love you,” what they
mean is “You must love me, as much as I
love me.”

PLAYBOY: Are long friendships valuable?
VIDAL: Of course, but I don’t think they
should be self-conscious, I can’t imagine a
friendship in which one is constantly con-
gratulating oneself about having sustained
this marvelous, warm, mature, deep rela-
tionship for so long. No, friends are nice.
Some people you seem to like better and
sce more of than others.

PLAYBOY: [t sounds rather lonely.

VIDAL: I’ve never been lonely. Гус spent
most of my life with myself and books. Be-
sides, my sort of books couldn't get written
with a lot of people around.

PLAYBOY: Where do most of your good
friends come from? p
VIDAL: I used to have more friends in
England—before everybody started dy-
—than anywhere else, They are—or
were—the best talkers. And the jokes аге
wonderful. The only upper class in the
world that can be genuinely witty
PLAYBOY: Is the joking, the wit, also a de-
fense mechanism to kecp people from get-
ting too close?

VIDAL: I suppose it can be used as that. It’s
very much a class or tribal thing. Most of
my friends in the United States are Jewish.
Jokes may be a Jewish device to keep peo-
Ple at a distance, for self-protection.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever had pangs about
not having had a family or children?

VIDAL: I think that around 40, men go
through a period of wanting a son. It pass-
es. One thing that we're all programed for
is to teach, to instruct. Dogs, cats, all
mammals, at least, do it. A writer's desire
to teach is fulfilled by his work. You act
out your programing, your desire to teach,
on the page. ИТ hadn't been able to write,
1 probably would have had a family.
PLAYBOY: You say that writing, or teaching,
is your real legacy. And you've lit into the
ruling class for its contempt for the people
But you've also said that “the sad paradox
of liberalism is to want majority rule while
realizing that the majority is instinctively
liberal."

VIDAL: Did I say that? It sounds sadly true.
PLAYBOY: In the same interview, you said,
“The Bill of Rights was the creation of the
educated few, not of the ignorant m:
What we’re getting at is, don’t you see а
contradiction in this? Isn’t there a lot of
contempt for the people here?

VIDAL: Anal is not contempt. The ma-
jority is trained to respond the way that
the majority that rules wants it to. Га
change the rulers and educate the majori-
ty. After all, the only legitimate govern-
ment is based upon the people at large
There is nothing else to base it on, unless
you believe in little Lord Jesus, say, and
you want a theocratic society, As it is, we
have a Bill of Rights—to ensure that the
majority doesn’t damage minorities out of
ignorance.

PLAYBOY: You criticize the ruling class for
contempt toward the people but say that
the people aren't competent to be listened
to. On the other hand, if you believe in
democracy, the people have what they
want in Reagan.

VIDAL: First, never fall for the bullshit that
Reagan was elected to office with a great
mandate. Reagan is popular as a TV per-
former, period. His ideas, to the extent
that he has any, are not popular. He
knows how to push emotive buttons such
as “Save our children.” which translates
into “Get the fags”; “Right to life,” which
“Abolish abortion”; or “Just say no,”
which is “Submit to mandatory drug test-
ing.” More diversionary politics. Instead
of talking about who's stealing all the
money and why we don't have an educa-
tional system, you start talking about
prayer in the schools instead of textbooks
in the schools. So I'd get of the non-
sense issues and go to the real issue, which
is the education of the majority. In a way,
that's all I've ever done as a wi
PLAYBOY: So you е ап idealistic view of
your job as writer.

VIDAL: Well, I strongly believe that one
should learn something from reading. This
is unfashionable. The romantics—which
is to say most American writers, with all
their I, I, I, from Melville to today’s
hacks—don’t believe you should learn
anything from a book except the poignant
wonder of the author's life. I do the oppo-
site. ГИ examine the Fifth Century вс,
ich is when every idea that we now have

first burst upon the seene. That takes an
awful lot of work, but anybody who reads
Creation is going to end up knowing a good
deal about Confucius, the Buddha, the So-
cratic philosophers. It is a crash course in
comparative religion and philosophy. |
think that’s worth doing. Europeans like
this sort of thing because they arc curious
about the origins, while Amcricans tend to
resent it. Why should they learn anything
from a book? On the other hand, the most
popular American writer is James Mich-
ener, who just gives you millions of items
of information, often without a story.
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about the fairly
standard line among critics that your es-
says are superior to your novels?

VIDAL: I suppose that’s because they can
actually read essays. In fact, they have to
read pieces about books in order not to
read books by anybody. In my case, how
can they say I'm a bad essayist when
everybody reads them and knows other-
wise? On the other hand, it is casy to say
that any book, by anybody, is bad because
so few people will ever read it anyway
PLAYBOY: Do the novels and essays come
from diflerent parts of you?

VIDAL: Well, I do my reflections, such as
the historical, religious works— Creation,
for instance—with a lot of study and ad-
vance planning. The inventions, such as
Duluth, which is my favorite, are written
with much more abandon, more pleasure.
But I don't find any difference between an
essay and a novel. The same mind creates
cach.

PLAYBOY: In your current novel, Empire, SIT TO CHRISTMAS DINNER at

you have William Randolph Hearst say,

“True history is the final fiction.” What | Mrs. Bobo's Boarding House in Lynchburg,
З А ›

docs that mean in terms of your work?

VIDAL: There is no such thing as history, | Tennessee and you're likely to be there a while.
only some random "facts" that I try to 2

honor. I don't make any divisions between

history, biography, science fictio, mys. | T he occasion calls for unhurried enjoyment of

tery novels. Its all invention. When you

Я
tre writing about actual ша you ewe | dishes from every lady present. Lynne Tolley’s

it to the readers to use what I call the

1
seredip bce. In ether words, Laon | Daked turkey; Mary Ruch Hall’s scalloped oysters;
do what E. L. Doctorow does. 1 thought | Diane Dickey's tipsy sweet potatoes;

Raglime was a charming book, but by de-

liberately ignoring the agreed-upon his- Mary Kathryn Holt's boiled custard

tory, he does a disservice to the readers

who don't know who Houdini, J. P. Mor- | and coconut cake. And compliments

gan or Emma Goldman was. ] think

there's an obligation to keep to the known. | from one and all. All of us in

PLAYBOY: Which of your books is the closest R
to you? Lynchburg hope your Christmas
VIDAL: Га say the onc that most approxi-

mated my youth and general background | dinner will be equally unhurried.

is Washington, D.C. The two houses in that

book are the two houses in which 1 was | And equally well attended by family
brought up, though Im much more auto- :

biographical with the houses than 1 am | and close friends.

with the people. As I've said, 1 don't really

see myself as being one of my own subjects.

PLAYBOY: You once wrote you're not ап SIMIO ТБ SIM IN
“American” writer. What did you mean? TENNESSEE WHISKEY

VIDAL: I don't conform to any of the ideas
of what an American writer should be.

ther you're academic or you're popular. Tennessee Whiskey80-90 Proof«Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery
Either you are an upholder of the status Lem Motlow, Proprietor. Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352

T 2

E x

PLAYBOY

quo or you are a romantic subversive. T
don’t think I'm like anybody else on the
scene, and I think that has caused disturb-
ance. You're not supposed to have as large
an audience as I do if you're any gocd.

There is also great suspicion of those
who can't be categorized. They don’t
much like Burgess, either. He's always try-
ing something new. On the other hand, as
much as 1 like old Graham Greene and
enjoy the books, I would go crazy writing
that same book over and over again. Final-
y, there is a true hatred of popularity, but
if literature is too good for the people,
what is it good for?

Among the hicks and hacks of academe,
le of faith that Га book is ac-
cessible to people who read, it must,
deed, be a very bad book. They've even
convinced themselves that all the great
writers were unpopular, which is absurd.
George Eliot was one of the most popular
writers of her time, and certainly the best
novelist in the English language. 1 don’t
think they know much about literature.
PLAYBOY: How do critics and academics
view your political involvement?

VIDAL: For them, everything is a matter of
deportment. To sign a letter to The New
York Review of Books to protest the silenc-
ing of a dissident Czech writer is correct
politics. To run for the House of Represent-
atives is bad form.
PLAYBOY: So the problem is that you're not
a well-behaved writer?
VIDAL: As opposed to John Updike, who
has been almost perfect in the way he's
conducted his carcer. He's also quite tal-
ented and, to me, perfectly boring. I can
predict what he'll say about almost any-
thing, though he writes very prettily, Still,
is all absolutely predictable and conserv-
ative and highly suitable for middle-class,
middlebrow Americans.
PLAYBOY: How about Mailer? Сап you pre-
dict his output?
VIDAL: No—which makes him more inter-
esting. He's chaotic. I don't know to what
end all that energy is being put, but at
least he has tried to define the prospect.
PLAYBOY: You once described Mailer’s
Naked and the Dead as a “clever, talented,
admirably executed fake.”
VIDAL: Well, after all, I had read Malraux
first. 1 recognized the scene coming down
the mountain in Man's Fate. Actually,
1 never finished Mailer’s book, so 1 can’t
really judge it.
PLAYBOY: Arc you trying to wi
your early assessment?
VIDAL: That was not an assessment but a
comment. In gencral, I never thought that
the novel as a form was of much use to
im. He wants much quicker public reac-
tion than one gets as a novelist. That
means journalism or politics or making
movies, all of which he has done.
PLAYBOY: You similarly skewered Capote as
being completely unoriginal
VIDAL: I don’t worry about originality, а
word our countrymen use to describe nov-
elty. But Capote was unusually derivative.

iggle out of

We used to play a game with Capote's
work, We'd read a passage from A Tree of
Night or Other Voices, Other Rooms and
then try to find whom he had stolen it
from, Carson McCullers was his principal
quarry, but he did very well with Eudora
Welty. I even found scenes from old
Warner Bros. movies that he had lifted.
He was ruthlessly unoriginal.

PLAYBOY: Do you have a favorite writer?
VIDAL: In my time, Italo Calvino.
PLAYBOY: How about Americans?
VIDAL: Рус always liked Saul Bellow. We're
both Puritan moralists, though from dif-
ferent viewpoints. He's also an intellec-
tual, which none of the others is. In fact,
they rather pride themselves on bi non-
intellectuals. They are happy not to > know
history, religion, politics, languages, other
literature or even their own. It goes back
to Hemingway, I suppose. But you can
talk to Saul. He’s more of a European in-
tellectual—like Calvino or Primo Levi—
than an American he-man author.

I have friendly relations with many of
the others, but after they finish telling you
about how much moncy they make and
what kind of alimony they're paying their
‘wives and their aches and pains, there isn't.
much to talk about.

PLAYBOY: Do you feel that you're part of
the tradition of writers— Voltaire, Shaw,
Swift—who were also involved in politics
and who uscd writing for political cnds?

VIDAL: I would tl that Voltaire certainly
had many of the preoccupations that I
have. I'm often compared to Shaw and
Swift. I hate Swift, so I find that this
causes consternation. No, I didn’t read
Gulliver's Travels as a child and become
forever mordant and satiric. But you can
resemble a predecessor without liking him.

My job, I suppose, is instruction, and
holding together a number of disparate
facts in my head and looking for a pattern.
The one advantage of age is that your syn-
thesizing ability gets better, because you
have more data—theses?—to synthesize.
You get so that you can put together a
large mosaic quite beyond what those
younger and less curious can do.

PLAYBOY: You usc the pronoun we when
you speak about Americans. Although you
choose to live in Italy, do you really con-
sider yourself an American?

VIDAL Oh, yes. What else?
PLAYBOY: You live as an expatriate.

VIDAL: Only in Los Angeles, where I have a
houst patriate. Ex-patriot. What a fun-
пу word to use to somebody like me. Pa-
triotism, literally, is my subject. America
is my subject.

PLAYBOY: Yet you live here, commenting on
America from across the Atlantic.
vipat: But I also live there. Anyway, we all
read the same newspapers. I know exactly
what's going on, as much as any member
of thc U.S. Senate, plus, here I can get the
European view. In the winters, I am Asi-
айс, centered on Hong Kong. So I get yet
another point of view.

PLAYBOY: Yet, in а way, you've bailed cut.

VIDAL: Voltairc lived on the Swiss border.
It’s very wise for someone like me to be out
of their reach.
PLAYBOY: Meaning what?
VIDAL: When empires fall apart, scapegoats
are needed. Who better than one of the
first messengers with the bad news?
PLAYBOY: Are you a U.S. citizen still?
VIDAL: Oh, sure. I pay U.S. Federal tax.
California property taxes, too. A variety of
European taxes. . . .
PLAYBOY: Could your current apparent
contentment in isolation above the Amalfi
coast make it ible for you to write
another great novel of the imagination?
VIDAL: Current “contentment” created our
greatest novelist’s three greatest novels, at
my age, too: The Wings of the Dove, The
Ambassadors, The Golden Bowl. Of course,
Henry James was living in England. Oh, I
still crupt.
PLAYBOY: Isn't there less and less to erupt
against when you have said it in as many
ways as you have?
VIDAL: Well, there's always the Israel lob-
by. [Laughs] And Ollie. Reagan has cer-
tainly been bringing a twinkle to my сус,
as I bring а twinkle to his eye.
PLAYBOY: Meaning?
VIDAL: Recently, in Newsweek, 1 attacked
the sleaze of thc Reagan Administration in
general and himself in particular as sym-
bols of all that we have lost sincc World
War Two, our high noon. Reagan read the
piece, was not happy; told his man at Time
magazine that I wasn't accurate, histori-
cally, because I wrote that Lincoln had
watched the sunrise [rom his White House
office, which wasn't possible. Of course,
neither Time nor Reagan knew that Lin-
coln's office had a fine view of the sunrise.
They thought he presided from the Oval
Office, which wasn't built until 1909. Time
wrote that the President had a “twinkle in
is eye” and “chuckled” when he criti-
cized my book Lincoln.
PLAYBOY: Do you get weary criticizing the
same things for 25 years?
VIDAL: Well, it is quite startling how
monotonous it is, but things have changed
a bit in my lifetime. They are no longer as
confident as they were. They are getting
quite nervous. The twinkles in their eyes
might be not just contact lenses but the
odd tear. 1 think they are nervous. So
things do change. I hope it’s not too late
PLAYBOY: And despite the small changes, in
your view, the one percent still rules; the
rest of the population is powerless.
VIDAL: Of course.
PLAYBOY: You'll continue to take them on?
VIDAL: No choice.
PLAYBOY: Have you become bitter?
IDAL: No, I’m very cheerful. Would one
like to change the system and start all over
again? Yes, of course. A second American
Revolution? Why not? But Га settle for a
Constitutional Convention. Anyway, we're
all still here. Each in place. Finally, the
work of art is never finished, any more
than that of a republic is. All is becoming.

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LOVE OF FAIR

“another fine mess you've
got us into,’ he said. and
that was how it all began

HE CALLED HER Stan, she called him Ollie.

That was the beginning, that was the end, of what we
will call the Laurel and Hardy Love Affair.

She was 25, he was 32 when they met at one of those
dumb cocktail parties where they all wonder what they
are doing there. But no one goes home, so everyone
drinks too much and lies about how grand a late after-
noon it all was.

They did not, as often happens, see each other across a
crowded room; and if there was romantic music as back-
ground to their collision, it couldn’t be heard. For every-
опе was talking at one person and staring at someone
else. They were, in fact, ricocheting through a forest of
people but finding no shade trees. He was on his way for
a needed drink, she was eluding a lovesick stranger,
when they locked paths in the exact center of the fruitless
mob. They dodged left and right a few times, then
laughed, and he, on impulse, seized his tie and twiddled
it at her, wiggling his fingers. Instantly, smiling, she lift-
ed her hand to pull the top of her hair into a frowzy tas-
sel, blinking and looking as if she had been struck on the
head.

“Stan!” he cried in recognition.

“Ollie!” she exclaimed. “Where have you been?”

‘Fiction Ly
KAY BRODRURY

ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y. CRAFT

PLAYBOY

“Why don't you do something to help
me!" he exclaimed, making wide, fat ges-
tures.

They grabbed cach other's arms,
laughing again.

“J she said, and her face bright-
ened even more. “I—I know the exact
place, not two miles from here, where
Laurel and Hardy, in 1932, carried that
piano crate up and down one hundred
and fifty steps!"

“Well!” he cried. "Let's get out of
here!”

His car door slammed, his car engine
roared.

Los Angeles raced by in late-afternoon
sunlight.

Hc braked the car where she told him
to park. “Here!”

“I can't believe it,” he murmured, not
moving. He peered around at the sunset
sky. Lights were coming on all across Los
Angeles, down the hill. He nodded. “Are
those the steps?”

“All one hundred and fifty of them.”
She climbed out of the open-topped car.
“Come on, Ollie.”

“Very well,” he said, “Stan.”

They walked over to the bottom of yet
another hill and gazed up along the steep
incline of concrete steps toward the sky.
The faintest touch of wetness rimmed his
eyes. She was quick to pretend not to no-
tice, but she took his elbow. Her voice
was wonderfully quiet. “Go on up,” she
said. “Go on. Go.”

She gave him a tender push.

He started up the steps, counting, and
with each half whispered count, his voice
took on an extra decibel of joy. By the
time he reached 57, he was a boy playing
a wondrous old-new game, and he was
lost in time, and whether he was carrying
the piano up the steps or whether it was
chasing him down, he could not say.

“Hold it!” he heard her call, faraway.
“Right there!”

He held still, swaying on step 58, smil-
ing wildly, as if accompanied by proper
ghosts, and turned.

“OK,” she called, “now come back
down.

He started down, color in his cheeks
and a peculiar suffering of happiness in
his chest. He could hear the piano fol-
lowing now.

“Hold it right there”

She had a camera in her hands. Secing
it, his right hand flew instinctively to his
tie to flutter it on the evening air.

“Now те” she shouted and raced
up to hand him the camera. And he
marched down and looked up and there
she was, doing the thin shrug and the
puzzled and hopeless face of Stan, baffled
by life but loving it all. He clicked the
shutter, wanting to stay here forever.

She came slowly down the steps and
peered into his face.

“Why,” she said, "you're crying.”

She placed her thumbs under his eyes to
press the tears away. She tasted the re-
sult. “Yep,” she said. “Real tears.”

He looked at her eyes, which were al-
most as wet as his.

“Another fine mess you've got us in-
to," he said.

“Oh, ОШе,” she said.

“Oh, Stan,” he said.

Не kissed her gently.

And then he said, “Are we going to
know each other forever?”

“Forever,” she said.

And that was how the long love affair
began.

They had real names, of course, but
those don't matter, for Laurel and Hardy
always scemed the best thing to call
themselves.

For the simple fact was that she was 15
pounds underwcight and he was always
trying to get her to add a few pounds.
And he was 20 pounds overweight and
she was always trying to get him to take
оЙ more than his shoes. But it never
worked and was finally a joke, the best
kind, which wound up being, of course,
"You're Stan, no two ways about it, and
I'm Ollie, let's face it. And, oh, God,
dear young woman, let's enjoy the mess,
the wonderful mess, all the while we're in
it!”

It was, then, while it lasted, and it
lasted some while, a French parfait, an
Amcrican perfection, a wildness from
which they would never recover to the
end of their lives.

From that twilight hour on the piano
stairs on, their days were long, heedless
and full of that amazing laughter that
paces the beginning and the run-along
rush of any great love affair. They
stopped laughing only long enough to
kiss and stopped kissing only long
enough to laugh at how odd and miracu-
lous it was to find themselves with no
clothes to wear in the middle of a bed as
vast as life and as beautiful as morning.

And sitting there in the middle of
warm whiteness, he shut his eyes and
shook his head and declared pompously,
“I have nothing to say!”

“Yes, you do!” she cried. “Say it!”

And he said it and they fell off the edge
of the earth.

Their first year was pure myth and fa-
ble, which would grow outsize when re-
membered 30 years on. They went to sce
new films and old films, but mainly Stan
and ОШе. They memorized all the best
scenes and shouted them back and forth
as they drove around midnight Los An-
geles. He spoiled her by treating her
childhood growing up in Hollywood as
very special, and she spoiled him by pre-
tending that his yesterday on roller
skates out front of the studios was not in
the past but right now.

She proved it one night. On a whim,
she asked him where he had roller-skated
as a boy and collided with W. С. Fields.
Where had he asked Fields for his auto-
graph, and where was it that Fields
signed the book, handed it back and
cried, “There you are, you little son of a
bitch!?”?

“Drive me there,” she said.

And at ten o'clock that night, they got
out of the car in front of Paramount Stu-
dios and he pointed to the pavement near
the gate and said, “He stood there.”

And she gathered him in her arms and
kissed him and said gently, “Мом, where
was it you had your picture taken with
Marlene Dietrich?”

He walked her 50 feet across the street
from the studio. “In the late-afternoon
sun,” he said, “Marlene stood here.”
And she kissed him again, longer this
time, and the moon rose like an obvious
magic trick, filling the street in front of
the empty studio.

“Now,” she said quietly, “where was
it you saw Fred Astaire in 1935 and
Ronald Colman in 1937 and Jean Har-
low in 1936?”

Апа he drove her to those three places
all around Hollywood until midnight
and they stood and she kissed him as if it
would never end.

And that was the first year. And dur-
ing that year, they went up and down
those long piano steps at least once a
month and had champagne picnics
halfway up, and discovered an incredible
thing:

"] think it’s our mouths,” he said.
“Until I met you, I never knew I had a
mouth. Yours is the most amazing in the
world, and it makes me feel as if mine
were amazing, too. Were you ever really
kissed before I kissed you?”

“Never!”

“Nor was I. To have lived this long
and not known mouths."

“Dear mouth," she said. “Shut up and
kiss."

But then, at the end of the first year,
they discovered an even more incredible
thing. He worked at an advertising agen-
cy and was mailed in one place. She
worked at a travel agency and would
soon be flying everywhere. Both were as-
tonished that they had never noticed be-
fore. But now that Vesuvius had erupted
and the fiery dust was beginning to set-
tle, they sat and looked at each other
one night and she said faintly, “Good-
bye...”

“What?” he asked.

“I can see goodbyc coming,” she said.

He looked at her face, and it was not
sad like Stan in the films but just sad like
herself.

“I feel like the ending of that Heming-
way novel where two people ride along in
the late day and say how it would be if

(continued on page 210)

“Funny how it worked out. I show up with a microwave oven;
yow've got a couple of frozen dinners on hand; we're both horny. . . .”

PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ HERB RITTS

LETE

THE

SANS SIALLONE, SHES THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE

RIGITTE NIELSEN is one Naturally, she plans a series of music
very busy woman. She's videos to help push the album. And then

an actress, of course, the there's TV—Italian TV, at least, where

star of such films as
Beverly Hills Cop П,
Red Sonja, Rocky IV
and Cobra. Then
there’s her career as
recording star; she re-
cently cut her first
pop-rock album, Ev-
ery Body Tells a Story,
which includes two
songs she co-wrote
and has already been

released in Europe.

she's just finishing a
14-week stint co-host-
ing Festivale, a popular
weekly variety show
on which she sings,
chats with celebrities
and screens her vid-
cos. “It’s wonderful
publicity," she says.
But most of all, Bri-
gitte is busy being half
of one of Hollywood's

steamiest divorces.

ack т 198:

t was big news when Gitte (pronounced ghee-ta) met Sylvester
Stallone. She had gone to New York to discuss her first Playboy pictorial

(Rating Nielsen, September 1985) and to promote her first film, Red Sonja,

when she discovered that Rocky himself, her longtime heartthrob, was also

in town. Although married to а Danish musician and the mother of an infant, Gitte was not shy

about getting to meet Stallone, 1

aving, she admits, eight messages a day at his hotel for five da

running. When words failed and Stallone didn’t respond, Gitte resorted to visual aids, sending

her picture to his hotel room. That, naturally, got Stallone's attention. Within four months, they were
engaged: nine months later, they were married. And, of course, 18 months later, they were embroiled
in a divorce so messy that several tabloid editors thought they had died and gone to heaven.

sty?” headlined People magazine, which managed to cram all the rumors about the

X ONT

divorce into one juicy paragraph: “Gitte is said to have been sleeping with (1) her Beverly Hills Cop H
director, Tony Scott; or (2) her secretary,
Kelly Sahnger, whose new breasts and im-
proved nose were a gift from her boss; or (3)

Cop II co-star Eddie Murphy; or (4) all of the

above. . The relentlessly tacky New York
Post, not surprisingly, staked out the Giue
beat with a vengeance, Paparazzi caught her
cayorting in the French seaside resort of
St.-Tropez with banker Lucas Rossi, whom
the Post described as “a well-known Italian
playboy” and “а lusty Lothario,” adding,
“Brigitte’s public display of togetherness
with her Riviera Romeo comes just a month

after European papers blamed the breakup of

the Stallone marriage on a possible relation-

ship between her and Miss Sahnger.”

HAIR BY SALLY HERSHBERGER / VISAGES STYLE
MAKE-UP BY GEORGE NEWELL / VISAGES STYLE
STYLING BY SHARON SIMONAIRE / VISAGES STYLE

iven the enormous amount of attention she received, Gitte, who is now 24, also

proved quite adept at side-stepping, well, personal queries. Her comments on

el. “We are

the divorce been exceedingly bri not here to talk about my private

life,” she told People. And even though she had obviously given liberally of her

time for this Playboy pictorial (her third), nailing her for an interview was not so easy;

sions about what had gone wrong was a challenge that

and getting her to answer qu

would daunt Rambo. Our first phone conversation lasted a gen conds, “I’m very busy right

now,” she said with Nordic firmness. “Could you call me later?" She w 1 Fernando Valley

recording studio, — putting the

ing touches on her album.

alls went ba and forth; some-

times Gitte explained how busy she
was, while other times the excuses

fell to Kelly Sahnger (yes, that

Kelly Sahnger). "Call back їп 15
minutes” was the usual request. Pil-

teen minutes later, it turned out,

Gitte had left the studio.
She was gone, but we were not for-
gotten. А mere five minutes later,

our phone

ng and it was Gitte, who

sounded as if she were calling from

an empty high school gym. She was,

in fact, ng time to talk while on

the high-risk San Diego Freeway,

prepared to spill all on her car's

speaker phone, as she headed

toward home in her Mercedes.

hat аге we going to talk about?” asked Gitte, while the cellular-phone
signal faded in and out as the car passed between the hills. The usual
stuff, we told her: her career, the pictorial, the divorce.

Suddenly, we weren't talking with Gitte anymore. And we weren't on the
speakerphone. Kelly Sahnger, thc most infamous secrctary since Fawn Hall, had picked up the car-
phone receiver and was lecturing us about discussing the divorce. “It’s totally against what she wants
to do or what I think she should do,” warned Kelly. “She doesn't want to ever talk about it.”

We pressed the issue but struck out. “Т don't want to sound mean or anything," said Kelly,
sounding mean, “but there's no use in even talking about Sylvester. It's just that she won't do that. It's
old news. Why even bother to bring it up? Sylvester Stallone is out of her life.”

And, apparently, out of our interview, which turned immediately to Gitte's career news— “I love
the fact that I have both acting and music," said Gitte, speaking for herself this time, “because they are
such different things. In acting, you always portray somebody else. In singing, you are you—you bring
your personality, your feelings, your emotions out of you," she confided. “If the album is a hit in Eu-
горе, we definitely have a go-ahead here in the U.S. I wouldn't want to release it here if it’s not good.”
Unfortunately, the vagarics of the L.A. cellular-phone system soon proved as formidable a challenge as
Gitte. The signal fad-
ed in and out, ques-
tions and answers had
to be repcated and
there lingered the anx-
iety that if we forgot
and mentioned you-
know-who, we might
risk causing a 12-car
pile-up on the 405. At

one point, the signal

disappeared entirely-

inutes later, we were relieved when Gitte called back to answer our
question on why she had chosen to do the Playboy pictorial. Actually, it
wasn’t Gitte. “This is Kelly again,” said a familiar voice. “Brigitte and I
were talking, and she doesn’t want to say why she did Playboy.”

“I have a reason,” Gitte broke in, “but it's not anything I'd like to talk about. It's very personal.”

Having already learned how to adapt to these sticky situations, we artfully dodged the issue
with a truly tough question: Where will you be living now as a permanent home base?

Gitte confessed that she planned to stay in L.A., and now that she was no longer chez Rambo,
she'd buy her own house. (By the way, the tabloids estimate that she's sitting pretty from the
pay-out dictated by a prenuptial agreement she and Stallone had signed.) "I love the weather
and I love the opportunity to be a success. People have really respected me here.”

We could tell that Gitte was beginning to tire. After all, her day had started at eight that
morning with business calls and meetings, and she had spent the afternoon and much of the
evening in the recording studio. She was on her way home at 9:30 PM. to change for an
important dinner meeting, and the next morning, she'd be leaving for her lengthy European stay.

Do you like this pace? we asked. Don’t you need more time to unwind? The phone made some
strange noises. The
Mercedes was appar-
ently getting closer to
home, entering a hilly
area that’s death to
car phones. Gitte said,

byte RA
я “Hello?” plaintively,
уре ә
and then we were dis-

connected once again.

It was, we supposed,

life in the fast lane.

а.
UT а

listen up аз we reveal the essence of civilized manhood in an uncivilized world

article
By Denis BOYLES, ALAN ROSE and ALAN WELLIKOFF

YEAR OR TWO AGO, we sent out what amounted to a chain

letter asking modern men for advice about modern life.

We hoped that by doing so, we could raise a sort of ex-

tended barroom conversation, nationwide, and get the

best take on life from the three or four modern guys sit-
ting next to the pretzels there under the TV in bars across the
country. We could ask, for example, “Неу, what do you think
of rats?" and somebody would probably tell us a little more
than we really needed to know about rats. And mice. And
how to take a gentlemanly piss. And how to win a woman.
How to survive losing one.

Most important, while collecting answers, we discovered
something about figurative colorization.

Colorization is what they do to old black-and-white movies
so they can make some more money off their re-release. It's
complicated, expensive and very progressive. Trouble is, it
screws up somebody's film in the process.

Colorization of one kind or another is everywhere. АП the
stuff that is supposed to make our lives so much casier only
makes them more complicated. The most trivial daily activi-

ties—getting dressed and going to work, for example—have
become fraught with political, social and moral implications.
To be a man in the late 20th Century is to be a confused op-
pressor who dresses funny.

The New Man, who looked so promising in the Seventies,
has broken down completely. The guy wimps around and
cries on cue and is very sensitive and all, but he's useless in
thesack and a pain at work and, worst of all, it turns out that
girls, who were supposed to be the market for the New Man,
hate the sucker.

The Modern Man is, in fact, an old-fashioned kind of guy,
a reasonably thoughtful fellow who has listened with varying
amounts of patience to all the new ideas so passionately advo-
cated by well-intentioned people (sometimes including him-
self) over the past two decades and has discovered that while
all of them may be new ideas, 90 percent of them are also bad
ideas. So what appears here is conventional wisdom. Much of
it was conventional 25 years ago; much of it will be conven-
tional for the foreseeable future.

And that’s just as well.

(continued overleaf)

ILLUSTRATIONS BY DAVE CALVER

RULES OF COURTSHIP

ust goes to show, there are rules for everything
The ultrarule, There is no such thing as an innocent lie.
Every lie you tell during courtship will come back to
haunt you. А teeny little white one about something com-
pletely inconsequential ruins your credibility forever. If
you're found out in a fib about being late to work, you can
forget about ever being believed again; your flattery will go
unwelcomed and your sincerity will sound like false flattery.
Modern Men—and most women—find that there is no
charm їп а lie, no endearing foible that justifies taking liber-
ties with the truth. Never cheat on a woman whom you care
about and expect to get away with it. She'll always find out.
Keep your emotions tidy. Tossing off meaningless emotional
demands and tantrums is extremely irresponsible.
Control your ego. Don't make emotional submission a part
of your sexual conquest. Making somebody jump through ego
hoops is not only dishonest, it’s cruel.

THE METAMECHANICS OF THE
OPENING LINE

n approaching a woman in a bar or other public place, re-

member that you'll almost never get back more than you

give. A good opening line should always do two things: It

should invite a response (other than a simple yes or no)

and it should reveal something positive about you. Also
note: While first lines are important, fifth and sixth and even
75th lines are crucial. If you don’t have anything to say after
she says hello, don’t even start a conversation. Passive rejec-
tion is preferable to active failure.

The less threatening the environment, the more aggressive you
can become, In the produce section of a supermarket, you can
use almost any opening line that comes to mind. In the New

York subway, nothing short of absolute brilliance will work.

Tramps like us A good opener will imply that something
special separates the two of you from the rest of the crowd in
the room and beyond—e.g., “What are two good-looking
people with legs like ours doing in a dive like this?”

THE PROPER Piss

ne thing that separates the boys from the girls is the
relative portability of our urinary habits. But this seeming
advantage is not without its perils—especially given the
occasional unpredictability of the equipment.

Avoiding the telltale dribble. The horror of the postpiss
dribble can be easily avoided by firmly pressing one or two
fingers up and out on the area immediately behind the scro-
tum after urinating. This forces a tidy evacuation of the uri-
nary tract and prevents the surprise that appears alter you've
closed the zipper on light-colored trousers.

If, for some inexplicable reason, that doesn’t work, simply
walk to the basin, sprinkle water all over your chest and lower
abdomen and, when rejoining your companion, place the
blame on faulty plumbing in the men’s room. Better its
plumbing be suspect than yours.

Five rules to piss by:

1. Always lift the seat before pissing.

2. Always lower the seat when finished.

3. Ifyou make a mistake and miss, clean it up. This is espe-
cially good advice for house guests, since it means that your
host will not find himself standing in a pool of your piss dur-
ing some nocturnal visit.

4. In houses with immodestly placed toilets or with flimsy
walls, try to ricochet your shot off the porcelain inner surface.
If this is impossible, don't mess around: Go for the big splash
in the deep end. Make it sound like The Bells of Saint Mary's
and God bless you.

5. Never try to piss in the dark.

FIRSEDATE MISDEMEANOR

adies love outlaws, sure enough; but just watch the open-

ing scene of Bonnie and Clyde to see the effect of involving

a woman in some spontaneous larceny. This doesn't mean

that to win her heart you've got to risk an ambush by

federales. But if robbing a store on the first date got
Clyde wrestled to the floor of his stolen car by an admiring
Bonnie, then breaking into the zoo by moonlight or some sim-
ilar misadventure ought to at least win you a smooch.

How ESQUIRE FOOLED YOU

‘omen hate so-called New Men, despite the media’s
protestations to the contrary. The idea of a man's sit-
ting down and weeping about his difficulties on the job
or shedding tears of joy at the thought of a Saturday-
night dinner date is enough to make most women puke.

THE WORLD OF WORK

he office is where you spend the most meaningless hours
of your life. To admit this, however, would be to wear a
Gillette bracelet, so go to work and get serious. Acquire
wealth and power. Exploit markets and labor. Win. Win
so hard it hurts good.
Never steal anything from your employer with a market value
of less than one year's salary. This includes stamps and pencils.
Brain power. No matter how many hours you spend work-
ing, your brain won’t give you more than six hours a day.
You'll notice that if you work longer, you become distracted
and require more rest intervals. You can think about this as
long as you like, but after six hours, you'll be on overtime and
running on empty.

WHAT Ir TAKES ТО ВЕ
А ТУ NEWS PERSONALITY

ou should be female, preferably a female member of a minor-
ity group. You must, however, try as hard as possible to
sound like a white male. Listen to women who work in
radio and TV news. Do you think they talk like that
around the house?

If you're something other than female, you should have rel-
atives in dentistry and hair care.

You should be a college graduate who majored in something
called communications. A network-news personnel director—
an old hand at the business—pointed out with some sadness
that the networks are no longer interested in hiring print jour-
nalists, the traditional background of correspondents and an-
chor men. "The people we're hiring can't write complete
sentences," he said.

You must be able to project what one network vice-president
called believability. You can cheat on your wife and your taxes,
but if you can look into a camera and pretend you understand
what you’re saying, you can get on TV—no sweat.

If you have a normal attention span, shorten it. Ditto your
vocabulary.

Make certain that your view of every story you cover conforms
to conventional wisdom. If you work in TV, you probably won't
have much of an independent point of view, anyway, so talk
with a lot of people around the office and sce what they think
of the world. If you get seriously divergent opinions on an
issue, ask fora show of hands. Get someone to help you count.

POWER

or secular success, this is the big one, the only one that
counts. e
Who has it, Almost nobody has real power. Look
around you. Divide your working world into two
groups—those who have the power to say yes or no and
those who have only the power to say no.

Your first list will have very few names on it: the president,
maybe the chairman of the board, Almost everybody vill be
on the second list: receptionists, secretaries, administrative
assistants, vice-presidents. Anyone can say no.

The trouble is, nobody wants to appear powerless. There-
fore, those who have the power to say no exercise their fran-
chise with wild abandon, since the admission that they will

have to ask a superior for the power to say yes is crippling to
their self-esteem,

Five THINGS то Do Every Day
TO HELP YOU GET ORGANIZED

f possible, do this stuff the night before; you'll sleep better.
1. Set your priorities by making a careful and thoughtful
list. This is such an obvious aid that most people just skip
it. Don't. Take the time to make a list every single day.
2. Do the items you want to do the least the first thing in the
morning and get them cut of the way.

3. Get all correspondence out of the way immediately—if possi-
ble, early in the day.

4. Meet with your staff frequently and make sure channels of
communication are wide open. Always allow time to be avail-
able to discuss the staff’s various projects and problems

5. Commit one hour at the end of the day to reading. Go
through all those newspapers and magazines that you'll lug
around for weeks because you think there might be something
useful in them.

FIRING PEOPLE

iring people is the downside of all the other upsides you
enjoy as an employer or supervisor.
Start your dismissal conversation by reinforcing yourself as
the employer. You're going to be nervous, and it’s not such
a bad thing to show it.

Build your case over a period of time—and make sure it’s in
writing. Lawyers are everywhere.

Always fire an employee first thing in the morning It will cut
down on the angst. Never do it on a Friday; you don’t want
him to brood for an entire weckend. Monday is the ideal day
for an axing, because your ex-colleague can go directly from
his former workplace to the (concluded on page 173)

The 12 Stores of Christmas

from herald square to rodeo drive, playboy shopped for the niftiest presents money can buy

VALENTI
THE AFTON TOY SHOP
BEVERLY HILLS MOTORING ACCESSORIES
AMERICAN SHOWSTER GUITARS

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO

A handsome five-foot-long-
and-four-foot-high pachyderm
bar, handmade in Spain of
pigskin with brass hardware,
is no pink-elephant joke.
Housed in its rich-looking
pinewood interior are the fit-
tings for as many as five bot-
tles held in a recessed holder as
well as an ice bucket and glass-
es, from Quality Furniture Flor-
ida Inc./Valenti, Miami, $4265.

Н. пате is Bond, and now
the fellow who has drawn more
than a billion and a half
moviegoers to the theater is
back as one of the hand-paint-
ed, pewter-cast pieces in the
James Bond Chess Set. The
whites are the good guys
(Goldfinger is the black king)
and the pieces are stored in
the board, from The Afton Toy
Shop, Afton, Minnesota, $189

= Products, Inc.,
created the Eliminator, a kit-
built, gas-powered, quarter-
scale funny car, with Drag City
in mind. The 50" fiberglass
1987 Corvette body covers a 4-
horsepower engine that can
propel the Eliminator down the
strip at more than 100 miles рег
hour, from Beverly Hills Motor-
ing Accessories, Beverly Hills,
$1245 without remote control.

Th A/S Chevy Guitar is the
ultimate rock-'n’-roll vehicle
for the Eighties. Hand-crafted
to match the tail fenders of the
classic 1957 and available in
12 original Chevrolet colors,
the guitar is custom-made
from ebony, maple and bass-
wood—and, yes, the tail-
light works, from American
Showster Guitars, Maplewood,
New Jersey, about $2500.

The 12 Stores of Christmas

py (TTÉáÓOOCEEEEGE E a nn

І, these days of raised con-

sciousness, we're not about to

POLO RALPH LAUREN comment on Kipling's famous
CARTIER dictum on women and cigars;

but we do know that a good

LAKE CYCLE cigar case is a thing of beauty,

THE SPORT CHALET and that's what this antique

English — crocodile-and-ster-
ling-silver case is, $750, plus.
$220 for the accompanying
leather match holder, both from
Polo Ralph Lauren, Chicago.

Iss in 1933 for the
pasha of Marrakesh, the Pasha
de Cartier watch is truly an
Aladdin's treasure of a time-
piece. The watch itself is of
18-kt. gold set with cabochon
sapphires and features a
quartz movement and a second
time zone that shows the date
and phases of the moon, from
Cartier, Chicago, $2400, in-
cluding an 18-kt.-gold band

Hours 1000 Hurricane is
a wicked 998-c.c., 130-horse-
power, 16-valve whirlwind.
Aerodynamically designed, it
produces more power than any
other production motorcycle.
The Hurricane turns опа 59.1”
wheelbase and has triple disc
brakes for when it's time to
rein in your horse and head for
the barn, from Lake Cycle,
Merrillville, Indiana, $5398.

Tm pair of Evolution's
Black Pearl skis is handmade
in the States from prepregnat-
ed carbon and fiberglass, then
hand-painted with a variety of
exclusive designs. The foam
core, electra 6000 base and
Dynaflex cracked steel edge
make the Black Pearl the gour-
met ski for major bumps or deep
powder, from The Sport Chalet,
La Canada, California, $900.

The 12 Stores of Christmas

ишш кшш —_—_-—————__ ===HHI>)>))]>=,

ЛЕ year's ultimate chic
duffel surely must be the

GIORGIO weekend bag Les Lieges de

SPEX, INC. Kati Maulin, а durable French-
PAN PACIFIC CAMERA CENTER pue ш,
MACY'S 28" x 17" x9". It's made of nat-

ural cork and is trimmed and
lined with calf leather (inside
аге a separate pouch and
money compartment), from
Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $400.

Gar bronze-tinted
Boeing Shield, a sleek, new,
sophisticated look in sun-
glasses, offers a wide, unin-
terrupted field of vision and
features an adjustable nose
pad, shock absorbers at the
temples and a frame that's
embossed with its own serial
питье, from Spex, Inc.,
Chicago, $195, including a
cargo box and a guarantee.

ae GX680 Professional is
the first 6 x 8 single-lens reflex
camera with a full range of
lens movements—tilt, rise,
shift and swing. It all adds up
to a medium-format camera
that offers state-of-the-art
Capabilities with the conven-
ience of a roll-film camera,
from Pan Pacific Camera Cen-
ter, Los Angeles, $1675 for the
body only; lenses from $813

Sa wears holiday colors
on its QT-V40 AM/FM stereo
radio/cassette recorder. Three-
and-one-half-inch full-range
speakers provide crisp sound
from the automatic-level-con-
trolled recorder directly off the
air. Measuring only 15” long,
the QT-V40 is the perfect size
to slip under anyone's tree this
Christmas, from Macy's, New
York, $80, including cover.

104

НЕ saw ripped through

wood, ripped through

flesh and bone along the

middle of the wooden

box and the middle of

the woman. Blood gushed

from the track the saw

таас, following the sharp

teeth. The saw itself was

bloody when at last he

withdrew it from box and woman. He

looked up at the wall clock—5:05 рм.
He nodded in grim satisfaction

And lifted the lids on both sides of the
box.

The woman stepped out in one piece,
grinning, and held her arms over her
head. The audience began to applaud
and cheer,

“Thank you, thank you very much,”
the man said, bowing.

The audience was composed mostly of
boys and girls between the ages of 13 and
18, because the performance was being
held at the high school on North 11th.
The woman who'd stepped out of the
box now rolled it off the stage. She was a
good-looking blonde in her late 20s,
wearing a sequined costume that ex-
posed to good advantage her long, long
legs and her exuberant breasts. Most of
the boys in the auditorium could not take
their eyes off her. She wheeled a tall ver-
tical box onto the stage.

The magician—whose name was Se-
bastian the Great—was wearing tails
and a top hat. “Ah, thank you, Marie,”
he said to his assistant.

“You see here a little box—well, not so
little, because I’m a pretty tall fellow—
which I'm going to step into in justa mo-
ment. ... Thank you, Marie, you can go
now, you’ve been very helpful; let’s have
a nice round of applause for Marie,
kids.”

Marie held her hands up over her
head, legs widespread, big smile on her
mouth, and the kids applauded and
yelled, especially the boys, and then she
did a cute little sexy turn and went strut-
ting off the stage in her high heels.

“That’s the last you'll sce of Marie
tonight,” Sebastian said. “Апа in just a
few minutes, you'll see the last of me,
too. What I’m going to do, kids, I’m go-
ing to step inside this box. .. .”

b He opened the door on the face of the
ох.

“And I’m going to ask you all го count
to ten .. . out loud . . . one, two, three,
four, and so on—you all know how to
count to ten, don't you?"

Laughter from thc kids.

“And I’m going to ask your principal
to come up here— Мг. Ellington, would
you come up here now, please?—and
when you reach the number ten, he's go-
ing to open the door of this box, and Se-
bastian the Great will be gone, kids; I
will have disappeared, vanished, poof!

ficion By ED McBAIN

ЇЙЇЎ

first it was a routine
disappearing act, and then
it was murder. but the
87th precinct has a problem—
where's the body?

So... ah, good, Mr. Ellington, if you'll
just stand here beside the box, thank
you. That's very good." He took off his
top hat. Stepping part way into the box,
he said, “Гт going to say goodbye to
you now. ...””

Applause and cheering from the kids.

“Thank you, thank you. Now, the
minute I close this door, I want you to
start counting out loud. Goodbye, kids,”
he said, closing the door behind him.

“One!” the kids began chanting.
“Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven!
Eight! Nine! Ten!”

Ellington opened the door on the box.

Sebastian the Great had, indeed, van-
ished.

The kids began applauding.

Ellington went to the front of the stage
and held up his hands for silence.

ILLUSTRATION BY STEPHEN TURK

He would have to remind the kids not
to try sawing anybody in half, because
that had been only a trick.

Marie Sebastiani seemed uncomfort-
able talking with a cop. Most honest citi-
zens were; it was the thieves of the world
who felt perfectly at home with law-en-
forcement officers.

Fidgeting nervously, she told Detec-
tive Cotton Hawes how she'd changed
out of her costume and into the clothes
she was now wearing—a tweed jacket
and skirt, a lavender blouse and high-
heeled pumps—while her husband,
Sebastian the Great, ака. Frank
Sebastiani, had gone out behind the high
school to load the Citation with all the
little tricks he used in the act. And then
she'd gone out (continued on page 187)

MEET

REN.

Ok INDIA ALLEN, life has offered up
very few surprises—which, when
you think about it, is one of the
logical benefits of having а psy-
chic for a mother. *My mom is

a really good psychic," India says.

“She has always told me, ‘Your pic-

ture is going to be seen everywhere.”

In high school, I really didn’t believe

her, because I was real tall and real

thin.” But Mom, a full-blooded Al-
gonquin Indian who has looked into
the future for various celebrities and
has attempted to help police solve
crimes, was more specific—she even

“saw” her daughters pictures on

these pages and urged her to try out

as a Playmate as soon as India turned

18. “I didn’t have much self-confi-

dence then,” admits India, who’s now

22. “My mom thought I had a pretty

body, but I was chicken.” But four

years of modeling all over the United

States and Europe “has really tough-

ened me up,” she says. “It’s amazing

that being rejected can give you so
much confidence, but I’ve really got
all the confidence in the world now.”

miss decembers name
isn't the only exotic
thing about her

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

Ait school, I was a jockette. I played field hockey and
tennis, and I was real good at basketball. When.
you're tall, you get recruited for every sport,” says
India. "I never thought I would be à beauty queen.

I got busty in my sophomore year, but the rest of

me just stayed straight all the way down. I didn't

get any curves at all, and I still don't have many.”

till, India didn't give much thought to Playboy, despite Mom's early-warning system. The idea resur-
faced when her agent sent her to do a small role in a short film parody of Beverly Hills Cop II, playing,
appropriately enough, a Playmate in the Playboy Mansion West scene. One of the other actresses,
who was perhaps overqualified for the part, was Monique St. Pierre—Playboy's Playmate of the Year
in 1979. Even though India and Monique became fast friends during the shoot, India was stunned
when one of the producers mentioned Monique's stint as P.M.O.Y., and even more surprised when
he suggested that India should consider giving Playboy a call. India turned to Monique for advice,
and Monique, after locking through India's portfolio of modeling assignments, turned from friend to

unofficial agent, taking her to Playboy's West Coast photo studios on Sunset Boulevard for test shots.

nce I walked through the

doors at Playboy, I felt as

if this was where I be-

longed,” says India. “It

was really weird.” There's
been no flak from other quar-
ters, either. Her mother, natu-
rally, is thrilled; her father,
who took some of the early pho-
tos that helped launch her
modeling career, is equally
pleased. And her fiancé, veteri-
narian Bill Garfield, surprised
India with his enthusiastic sup-
port. *He's a real health fanat-
ic," she says. "That's why he
has such a good attitude about
it—he’s such a body person.
His body’s perfect.” So, appar-
ently, are his scruples—the
couple met when India was 18
and he was 35, an age gap so
large that he refused to date
her. It was only after four years
of long-distance friendship that
he reconsidered. They now live
together and plan to marry in
the spring. Once again, India’s
mom saw it coming. “She al-
ways hinted that we would end
up together,” says India. And,
as we've discovered, mothers
definitely know best.

M. y mom named me after
a legendary old Southern
woman, India Allen, who
was born with hair the color
of India ink, just like I

was. Mom worried that the
name was too exotic, but for
modeling, it was perfect.

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

name; LN Ya Al dan
Busts BI must CX A4 — ures 3 «f
mom: LI uem LOZ Y A
BIRTH DATE: ‹@=—/-&$__втатнр1лсЕ bers zn, Ve Lt.
AMBITIONS: ZO Buey 22174 DON Animal 26 ¿fal
Lid bae a « SuccessFul mack tins ze
zum-ons: COAT AoA Ed ive DS , SAR E

776-45 Ne vet

TURN-OFFS:
(E .

FAVORLTE BOOKS: 2 — ее Й 2 TG = х=

Comma DOE]
FAVORITE MOVIES: (Be C puiet 22, (AL Za US,

LA TALE [2778
>

I'LL KNOW I'VE MADE IT WHEN: —%— D Core EEK

Zas ео А

IDEAL WEEKEND:

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

When 1 drink, everybody drinks!" a man shouted
to the assembled bar patrons. A loud general
cheer went up. Afier downing his whiskey, he
hopped onto а barstool and shouted, “When 1
take another drink, everybody takes another
drink.” The announcement produced another
cheer and another round of drinks.

As soon as he downed his second drink, the fel-
low hopped back onto the stool. "And when I
pay," he bellowed, slapping three dollars onto
the bar, “everybody pays"

Dad,” the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up
from his social-studies text, “what did you do
during the sexual revolution?”

“Well, son,” his father replied, “I guess you
could say I was captured carly and spent the
duration doing the dishes.”

Morris had been down on his luck for months
and, though not a devoutly religious man, had
begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's
help. One week, out of desperation, he praved,
“God, Гус been а good and decent man all my
life, Would it be so terrible if You let me win the
lottery just once?”

The despondent fellow returned week after
week, One day, Morris, nearly hopeless now,

rayed, “God, I've never asked You for anything

efore. 1 just want to win one little lottery.”

As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice
boomed, “Morris, at least meet Me halfway on
this. Buy a lottery ticket!”

‚After making а daring escape from the peniten-
tiary, the convict eluded bloodhounds and police
roadblocks and dodged helicopter scarchlights
on his way to sec his wife. Finally sneaking in a
back entrance, he knocked on the door and
smiled triumphantly as she opened it. “Where
the hell have you been?” she blared. "You busted
out more than four hours ago!

Rumor has it that the descendants of the Ele-
phant Man have offered $10,000 for the remains
of Michael Jackson's nose.

The old man had lived all his life in a little house
on the Vermont side of the New Hampshire-
Vermont border. One day, the зигусуог came to
inform him that they had just discovered that he
lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.

“Thank heavens! was his reply. “I didn't
think I could take another one of those god-
damned Vermont winters."

How many surrcalists does it take to change а
light bulb? Two—one to hold the giraffe and the
other to fill the bathtub with Jell-O.

When the usher noticed a man stretched across
three seats in the movie theater, he walked over
and whispered, “Sorry, sir, but you're allowed
only one seat." The man moaned but didn't
budge. “Sir,” the usher said more loudly, “if you
don't move, ГИ have to call the manager." The
man moaned again but stayed where he was.
The usher left and returned with the manager,
who, after several attempts at dislodging the fel-
low, called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said,

“All right, what's your name, joker?”

Joc,” he mumbled.
“And where're you from, Joc:
“The balcony.”

э»

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the
wrong way down a onc-way street when a police-
man pulled him over. “Didn't you sec the arrow,
buddy?" he asked.

"The arrow?" the confused driver said. “I
didn’t even see the Indians.”

Aiter 20 years’ obedience to his vow of silence,
the Trappist monk was called into the abbot's
study and told that Бе could utter two words.
Bad food," he said softly. His superior nodded
and dismissed him.
Twenty years later, the monk was again sum-

{о heat," the monk said,

moned by the abbot. “N
head bowed.

By the time he was called again, a new,
younger abbot had been appointed. The monk,
an old man now, entered the study waving his
“I quit.” he declared.

“So be it,” the abbot said. “I hear you bitch
too mu ү

Heard a funny опе lately? Send it on а post-
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“Get a load of ol’ Rudolph, the brown-nosed reindeer!”

119

ZR Шш Е

зо 0З NES

JUSTINE BATEMAN

obert Crane cornered the less-than-

bashful “Family Ties” star Justine
Bateman at her home in the Hollywood
Hills. He reports, “Justine wore a black
miniskirt and a black tank top. The outfit
brought tears to my eyes. She confessed that
she would eventually like to be a magazine
editor, though she doesn't actually know
what an editor does. She would love to ob-
serve. I was able to cajole Playboy's Articles
Editor, John Rezek, into showing Justine
the ropes—uwhat he does and how he does it.
The logistics are being worked out.”

PLAvEOY: In what ways are you like and
unlike Mallory, your character on Family
Tie?

BATEMAN: Mallory is in me somewhere.
It's really a relief to play her, because she
has almost no worries; she grew up with
an older brother and а family that had
nine-to-five jobs. It’s a protected envi-
ronment. She loves life, and just every-
thing’s groovy with Mallory.

On the other hand, I had a higher
grade-point average than she did. I’m
much less open when I meet people. We
dress differently. We look the same;
that’s about it. Mallory is much more
concerned with looking absolutely cor-
rect. I’m more into letting the clothes
reflect how I'm feeling that day. I wear
black a lot.

тлүвоү: What would be your dream exit
оп your last episode of Family Ties?

BATEMAN: Mallory is comparing her rela-
tionship with Nick with that of Alex and
whoever he is with at the time, and she
says, “The great thing about Nick and
me is that I feel so comfortable with him.

3 I don't have to
tv’s cupcake think when I'm
with him. It's like

on how she we have опе cob
lective — mind."

hangs out
with the boys,

Alex says, “Who's
using it tonight?"

Mallory says,
ids i "God, 1 don’t
avoids jealousy „С°,

and never has 3.

avisible тато: — Sports

. car. Home in the

panty line hill. Have you

gone Hollywood?

BATEMAN: If you

PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ MATTHEW ROLSTON / OUTLINE PRESS

had $50,000, you'd

buy a Porsche, too. I always ask my busi-
ness managers, “How am I doing? Am I
spending too much money?” They say,
“Give mea break. You spend, like, noth-
ing.” There comes a point when you
have to spend your money. It’s not smart
to keep paying rent—for tax reasons.
You can’t just keep putting your money
in a money market. | sat back and
thought, This is nuts. I'm 20 years old
and I bought a house? It’s really nice not
to get slips of paper under the door say-
ing, "Move your car" or "The rent's go-
ing up three percent."

PLAYBOY: What's the strangest thing we
would find in your purse?

BATEMAN: A puck. A Swiss army knife, I
have pens, clips, Porsche keys, Trident
gum, money. A Hard Rock Cafe Express
card. It's funny; once you're in a position
to get these cards, vou don't need them
anymore. I have a valuable phone book.

PLAYBOY: How should a voung, attractive
woman prepare for Hollywood?
BATEMAN: Really like yourself a lot. Be
prepared to be rejected because of the
color of your hair or because you're not it
that year—you don't have the right look
or they don't like your acting. Make sure
you are a good actor.

PLAYBOY: Do you have any advice for Lisa
Bonet?

BATEMAN: [t's her career, it's her choice.
If I were in that position, I wouldn't have
taken that role in Angel Heart. Essential-
ly, she was the tits and ass in the film. 1
didn't see the necessity of it. What Julie
Andrews did in S.O.B. was great; it
worked. lf it's just to take it off to take it
off, hire someone else to do it.

PLAYBOY: When you lunch with your
friends, what are the recurring themes?
Plumbing? Sex?

BATEMAN: Ї don't really talk about sex
with that many people. It’s, like, why
talk about it? Even though you try о
avoid it, you always wind up talking
about films. Always. Or old Twilight
Zone episodes. I don’t sit around and gab
about guys, because I'm usually with
guys. Me and my guy friends gab about
girls. I learn a lot from that. I've been
hanging out with guys since I was six.

Гуе learned things, like don’t start
calling him every night if he's not calling
you, because he’s trying to gently say
that when he’s ready to call you, he’s go-
ing to call you. Don’t get hung up on
that. Go live your life. If he happens to
call you later, you might even have for-
gotten about him.

Girls should know about football. At
Thanksgiving, I always resented the fact
that it was assumed that I would go in
the kitchen and help. I wanted to watch
the foothall games, too.

So many girls don’t know how to hang
out and talk with guys. “So, what's going
on in your life now?” “Just work and
stuff" "Oh, really? What have you
done?" It’s like this interview. Girls are
always interviewing guys. Just hang.

PLAYBOY: How does the sentence begin
that indicates the guy's a total dork?
BATEMAN: Its not a sentence, it's an atti-
tude, You're walking through a club on
the way to the rest room and there's
some guy on the other side of the room
who calls you over with his finger.
"Me?" His finger motions you over.
Here's something 1 really despise:
You're standing at the corner, waiting to
cross the street, and you're just think-
ing—right?—and some guy comes up to
you and says, “Hey, smile; life's not that
bad.” You want to turn around and say,
“What the fuck makes you think you've
got any right to tell me how I'm feeling?”
I went into a store the other day and I
was chewing on the end of my glasses,
and the guy who was working there
said, “Don't chew on your glasses." I
said, "Why пою" He said, "You
shouldn't." I said, “Says who?" He said,
“I'm just kidding.” You never find a girl
going up to a guy and saying, “Hey, cheer
up! Smile! What are you so miserable
about?" He'll turn around and belt you.

9.
PLAYBOY: What line never fails with уси?
“Want to see my Harley?”
10.
PLAYBOY: Is it in his kiss?
BATEMAN; Yes. And the way he dances
n.

PLAYBOY: Who leaves first in your rela-
tionships, you or the man?
pareman: Me. (concluded on page 182)

122

PART TWO

IN HER OWN WORDS: THE COVER-UR
HUSH MONEY, MEDIA MADNESS,
HOLY WAR—THE MORAL OF THE STORY

n Part One, Jessica described her upbringing, her life in the church
and her encounter with two preachers in a Florida hotel room. This
installment begins with her reaction to reports of the cover-up.

GOLSON: The press is still reporting on the blackmail you sup-

posedly got from the PTL.

HAHN: Yes. But what's so unbelievable is that this was a sev-
en-year thing. But the media made it sound like "Jessica Hahn
jumped into bed with two men and then, a week later, she tried to
blackmail them." I went through hell. .

“BLACKMAIL FOR SEX"—that was the first headline. The truth is
that it happened in 1980; I was 21 years old; and then, after it hap-
pened, I spent four years by myself, keeping quiet, getting phone
calls that went "Shush, shush, shush,” working at the church,
minding my business. I was counseling for four years after this
happened. I was not living їп a luxury apartment, driving around
in limos. I was living with my mother, making $98 a week. With
the money I got from the trust that PTL set up, I paid some credit-
card bills and maybe bought a kitchen set.

SCHEER: We'll get to the money; but let's pick up the story in 1980,
after Bakker and Fletcher left you in your hotel room.

HAHN: All right. That night, I just stayed awake, shivering, in my
hotel room and waited for dawn to come. John Fletcher called and
said, “Look, thanks а lot, but we've got — (continued on page 196)

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVIO SMALL

GREAT
LOUNGE

ACG IS

lefs hear it for fireside finery
fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE

uoo ор and break open the
brandy. T is the season to be
jolly—and comfortable—and that
calls for loungewear that brings a
stylish warming trend to the great
indoors. Our man at left has
already slipped into something
casual: A rich cashmere robe, from
Polo by Ralph Lauren, $850; and
silk pajamas, by Van Tisse Men,
$265. Right: A silk robe, $320,
and sexy silk-Shantung pojama
pants, $110, both by Howard Behar.

PHOTOGRAPHY
BY JOHN GOODMAN

he easy ele-
gance of a soft woolen
robe or a silk smoking
jacket on а frosty
morning or an arctic-
cold night will send old
man winter packing.
At left, а cashmere/
superfine-wool robe in
а herringbone pattern
with а shawl collar
and raglan sleeves, Бу
Peter Barton, about
$385; plus а silk-bro-
cade ascot, by Howard
Behar, $80. Under-
neath the robe, he’s
wearing navy tone-on-
tone striped cotton pa-
jamas, from Sulka,
$150. (His close friend
has on a silk-Shantung
pajama outfit, also by
Howard Behar.) Right:
The stuff that smoke
dreams are made of —
а silk smoking jacket
with a printed peacock
design and gray shawl
collar and cuffs, $650,
silk Jacquard dress
shirt, $340, silk bow
tie, $32, and silk paja-
ma pants, about $240,
all by Cecilia Metheny.

personality By DAVID SEELEY

DENNIS, ANYONE?

in the sly, sexy dennis quaid,
hollywood has found its
newest matinee idol

vr YOURSELF in Dennis Quaids shoes. Its the summer of 1984.
You're suffering from a string of stinging failures: Your marriage
to actress P J. Soles has ended in divorce court. She was the jewel

of your life, and now you're arguing over who will get the dogs.

Urban Cowboy was written for you. You read with Debra Winger. Everything was all set Then
director Jim Bridges had to tell you that John Travolta wanted the role, which meant $33,000,000
in advance film rentals, which meant you were out on the street. You got away from it all by
taking a trip to New Delhi, only to be awakened on a sultry Eastern night by a frantic call from
your agent in Г.А. “Come back here now!” he said. “They want you for Az Officer and a
Gentleman! Its in the bag!” You flew halfway around the world; but by the time you were
touching down atL.AX, Richard Gere’ pen was touching down on the contract. Your only great
news in those years—getting your dream role of Gordo Cooper in The Right Stuff—was
dimmed when the movie fizzled at the box office. All your hopes were riding on the part of the
rock-n'roll astronaut, the youngest of the bunch, the best damn pilot in the goddamn world.

Now The Right Stuff has come and gone, and nobody knows who you are. People confuse
you with your big brother, Randy. They confuse you with Robert Carradine or James Keach or

ILLUSTRATION BY MATT MAHURIN

PLAYBOY

130

опе of the five other actor brothers you
starred with in The Long Riders. After
seven years of working your way toward
stardom in L.A., you realize something:
You're losing it. Whatever passion and
hope thumped in your chest when you
rode west on that bus from Houston at 21
have escaped you. What do you do?
What can you do?

This is what Dennis Quaid did: He
bolted out of Hollywood and went to New
York. There he co-starred with his
brother in an off-Broadway production of
Sam Shepard’s True West. For four
months, the Quaids lived the story of two
brothers, one a screenwriter, the other a
big, menacing, unpredictable bruiser. By
the end of each performance, they
exchanged identities and were grappling
on the floor, trying to kill each other. Per-
forming in True West would be a kind of
cathartic сиге for Dennis Quai

One night, after they'd lived inside the
incredibly physical play for months,
something went wrong. They met back-
stage as Dennis walked back from a
shower and Randy trashed his perform-
ance by seething, “You quit.”

“No, I didn’t,” Dennis said. And all at
once, they exploded with a screaming,
kicking, shoving, hitting rage. The crew
stood back, aghast. People filing out of the
theater turned to listen, thinking the
brothers were rehearsing. The fight was
broken up and Dennis stormed to his
dressing room, vowing to leave the show
and never see his brother again. There
were two holes in the wall, left by his
predecessors. He put his fist through the
plaster beside them. Then he remem-
bered it was January, his hair was soaking
and the hair drier was next door. In
Randy’s room.

He went next door toget it. Quietly, the
two brothers began talking about why
they hated each other, why they loved
each other, what they admired and
envied about each other. They left the
theater that night arm in arm, went out
and had the greatest time they’d ever had
together.

Whatever demons Dennis Quaid exor-
cised that year in New York don't seem to
be bothering him in 1987. After appear-
ing in last year’s s-f flop Enemy Mine, he
hit the screen with a succession of good,
high-profile films: Innerspace, the Steven
Spielberg-produced, Joe Dante—directed
s-[comedy in which he plays Tuck Pendel-
ton, a hot-shot test pilot who is mi
turized and accidentally sent zooming
through Martin Short’s veins; The Big
Easy, a tale of police corruption in New
Orleans, in which he has a steamy ro-
mance with district attorney Ellen Bar-
kin; and Suspect, co-starring Cher, a
courtroom murder mystery directed by
Peter Yates, who also directed Quaid in
his first major role, as a young Indiana

quarterback in Breaking Away.

In June, 1 flew to Austin to catch up
with Quaid on the set of a remake of the
1950 B-movie thriller D.O.A. Неа been
filming in the Texas capital, close to his
home town of Houston, for five weeks.
Nearly all of it had been night shooting:
this was the first day in a month that the
crew and cast had seen sunlight. It was а
set of zombies—people bumping into
walls, teamsters snoring on folding chairs,
key grips downing Jolt cola. Quaid and I
went to his trailer, one of several broiling
in the 95-degree Texas sun. He'd just
come from make-up, where he'd been
aged to look six years older than his 33
years, and wore only Nikes and a pair of
loud shorts.

“This is Maggie and Jesse,” he said,
pointing to a lumbering basset and a hy-
per golden-retriever pup. “I bring ‘ет
with me to the set; it makes it seem a little
more like home." He plopped onto a beat-
up brown sofa and offered me his “Jet-
sons" chair, a jetlike turquoise-vinyl seat.
He pulled out a cigarette, then scoured
the trailer for а match. Не held ще
cigarette a little gingerly; the weck before,
he'd cut his hand open busting out a win-
dow Юга scene and had gotten ten stitch-
es. He lighted the cigarette, inhaled it
gratefully and said, “Kids, don't try this
at home.”

Even though Quaid was exhausted
from thejet-lag switch to day shooting, he
was cracking jokes, performing, talk;
a high-volume stage voice. (As an actor,
he's no brooding, mumbling Method
type, no young Brando or pouty Sean
Penn; he’s closer to Jack Nicholson:
brash, male, full of smirking humor.)

If Quaid were ten years younger, he'd
be the age of today’s hottest young movie
stars—the young kids, the Brat Pack:
Emilio Estevez, Judd Nelson, Charlic
Sheen and Rob Lowe. I tell Quaid about
a People cover story on Charlie Sheen:
how he claimed to have made the deal for
Platoon on the phone in his black
Porsche; how he said he'd had a girl-
friend but “I got that piano off my back”;
how he said he liked to go out in L.A. at
night and “check out some butts.”

He laughed. “Ten years from now, he'll
look back and go, ‘Ooooo! Cringe сиу? I
wouldn’t have handled it very well, to tell
you the truth. The danger involved in
getting success early is losing that inspi-
ration you started out with about why
you wanted to become an actor. What
happens is you get all caught up in want-
ing to be in a hit movie, caught up in the
commerciality and the financial deci-
sions, instead of the material and what
you should be concentrating оп. It seems
to have happened to people I admire
most—like Robert Duvall—in their 30s.
It seems a lot of people who make it in
their 20s don't really have a chance to
live life, to garner some experience. After

that, you become a spider in a glass jar
Lite watches you instead of you watching
it, which is how an actor gets his meat.”

His ambivalence about stardom 15
reflected by his two homes: onc in the
Hollywood hills, in the th of the Г.А.
scene, and the other in the wilds of south-
western Montana, a region noted for its
lack of multiplex movichouses. Quaid is
buying a ranch he’s rented for years there.
It helps him fit a peculiar schedule: Half
the time, he’s racing like crazy to get the
hugest audience possible: the other half,
he's running away, holing up. Few people
recognize him when he's in Montana; it’s
a place where he can be, well, just a rich
young guy with his own ranch.

"It's gorgeous country,” he said. “It
used to be Warren Oates’s and Sam Peck-
inpah’s place. Warren was a good friend
of mine; we were in Tough Enough togeth-
er, We were great friends the last year of
his life. Then he checked out. Hi
are right out in back of the house, in fact,
spread around a campfire where we all
used to how! at the moon." He plucked a
felt marker off a nearby table, held it up.
“Therc're pieces about as big as this.
You can pick him up. One night, I took
him to dinner. Put him back, though, of
course. He was a great guy.

“The ranch is 1400 acres, bordered by
a national forest. You can go out the front
door, make a right turn and go for 200
miles without crossing a road. It's pretty
incredible. Four and a half miles of creek
goin’ right through the property. Go right
out the front door and fish. Trout, Ger-
man browns, natives, cutthroats. The
Yellowstone River is about a mile and a
halfaway. It's gorgeous in the wintertime.
In Montana, if you see somebody on the
highway, you wave. It's, like, ‘It’s another
car" I run to the window to see who it is if
I hear a car coming down the road. But
mostly, I just sit and watch the clouds до
across the sky. The whole valley becomes
your mind." He smiled. “Warren used to
describe it as nine months of winter and
three months of guests."

I asked him how he would wind down
from his four-film run after D.O.A.
wrapped; the production was heading
down to the wire, trying to get it in under
the gun of the Directors Gi strike.

“Its a ritual," hesaid. “First, 150 toan
island paradise, sit with my girlfriend on
the beach, with a piña colada in my hand,
and relax. Then Montana.”

“What docs she think of your place in
Montana?"

“Who?”

“Your girlfriend.” I knew he’d been
linked to actress Lea Thompson, star of
Back to the Future and Some Kind of
Wonderful. Га also heard they were on
the skids.

“I don’t have a girlfriend now,” he
said. “We split up about five months

(continued on page 180)

Channel

e Оо. .Р.|. М.С
encounters with the dead are more

than the new-age path to enlightenment—they
may also be the safest sex in town

ARTICLE By JERRY STAHL

RIGHT OFF, let me say I've got nothing
against the dead. There are a few I really
like. In fact, some of my best friends are
dead. But that doesn't mean I want to hang
out with them on weckends and kick
around old times.

Oh, I don't mcan to sound like a bigot. I
just think the dead should know their
place—and not come scooting back from
the Other Side just ‘cause this year they re.

in" and everybody wants onc at a party.

Bad enough you don't know where
they've been. Even worse, with the sudden
slew of trance channels on hand to help
them spout off, today's dead tend to be
real know-italls. Less likely to dish out
grectings from Gramps than with tips on
how to shake your inner turmoil, or news
that you used to be known as Festive Olga
in the ycar nine, when half the Eskimos in
Greenland were wont to toss old seal chunks.
into your igloo for hours of fun and blub-
ber—the kind of info you'd just as soon
stayed packed away with Jimmy Hoffa.

But enough about me. The only reason 1
mention the whole business is that I'm
meeting Mafu. Mafu, you may as well
know, is also a deadie. Dead but psychic,
like the rest of them. He’s lived 17 times—
that's just counti incarnations on
carth—as everything from Egyptian
Pharaoh to Pompeian leper. But lately,
eschewing a bod of his own, he appears
exclusively in the full-figured form of 28-
year-old Penny Torres, bright and bubbly
ex-wife of an L.A. police officer.

Penny channels “the Fun Guy,” as she
calls him. This means that for the past year,
she’s been gracious enough to vacate her
body when the frequently deceased wants
to sidle in and start dispensing the special
brand of beyond-the-grave wit and wisdom
that’s made him spiritual darling to legions
of devotees.

All truc. The ficld's crowded, but Mafu
has already emerged as one of the hottest
entities on the channel circuit since
Ramtha, the famed 35,000-year-old war-

rior who got nailed asking believers to shell
out big bucks for Arabian ponies. Said
fillies, coincidentally, were raised on the
Yelm, Washington, ranch of J. Z. Knight,
the gifted blonde who leaves her incarnate
being to channel Ramtha when he’s feeling
chatty. Word in the New Age world is that
Dick Chamberlain and Mike Farrell,
among numerous others, swear by the big
R, while Linda Evans has switched camps.
Now she’s Маб girl.

Or am I going too fast?

Channeling, for the four or five of you
ho think I'm discussing Iranscam fund-
ing techniques, is the cosmic rage that has
halfof Hollywood spending more time yak-
g with spirits from Atlantis with names
like after-shaves than with their own agen!

Basically, channels are enlightened
zens who, through chance or training,
know how to turn themselves into human
telephones. They do this by entering a
trance and stepping out of their bodies to
let the spirits in. This enables the rest of us
to pay money and gather round, not just to
hear the Other Worlders speak through
them but to bask in the wondrous energy
their formless entities just seem to emit, like
benevolent swamp gas, while they tell us
what's what.

If it’s still confusing, imagine the channel
as Mister Ed and the believers as a batch of
happy Wilburs—who happen to pay any-
where from $10 to $1500 for the privilege
of kicking around cosmic secrets with invis-
ible visitors. Los Angeles alone is home to
1000 channels, with countless full-timers
and followers sprouting up coast to coast.

Weird as the whole process may sound,
weirder still is the sheer normalcy of the
good souls involved. People into channel-
ing—a trend, no matter how you slice it—
tend to be relentless examples of Regular
Guy- and Galhood. Which makes sense
when you realize that most Americans got
their first glimpse at this extreme-o phenom
on that most unextreme of venues—TV!

Channeling may be the first grand-scale
spiritual movement to have been promul-
gated primarily on the tube. Christianity

ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN OLEARY

at least existed before Oral Roberts started
tossing crutches to the ushers in the first
row. But for most contempo devotees,
channeling didn't show up in their brains
till those cultural trail blazers Merv Griffin
and Shirley MacLaine put it there.

Merv was first, back in the summer of
"86, when he played host to Lazaris, a non-
physical entity channeled by Jach Purscl.
As luck would have it (if you call sitting
home watching The Merv Griffin Show
luck), 1 caught that media milestonc. Actor
Michael York and his wife, Pat, the Jim and
Tammy Bakker of New Age thcology, were
on hand to help introduce the masses to
their man. And Merv made the point right
up front that “many of our top stars are
now consulting not Jach but the entity."

With that kind of build-up, you're ex-
pecting Sun Myung Moon. Even more
incredible, on comes this Teddy-bear R.V.-
salesman-of-the-month type. And this is
Jach. Channel to the stars!

Considering its impact, it's worth reliv-
ing the thrill of that cognitive landmark.
After the obligatory couch chat, Pursel says
he's ready to make room for Daddy. First
he gulps in air, squinches his eyes shut,
wrinkles his nose and bares his teeth like a
Disney chipmunk.

The contorto stuff is part of the excite-
ment of channel watching. See, it’s not casy
letting some strange spirit sublet your
body. You'll find channels who snufflc,
channels who snort, channels who groan
and twitch. But Jach’s one of your tamer
pros. Upscale. The furthest he goes is that
nose wrinkle.

At last, Jach is banished to the metaphys-
ical greenroom; Lazaris pipes up with
his trademark opener: “All right!” Pro-

nounced “Oo-right,” in an accent best
described as Charlie Chan in a kilt.

‘The entity’s message turns out to be your

create your own reality!" And my own fave:
“After you leave this plane, your body gets
younger and thinner and more athletic.”
Perlect!

“We have earthly things to do, called
commercials," blurts a respectful Merv at
onc point.

“We know of such things,” quips Laza-
ris, wrinkling up again. I mean, he's never
been incamated, The guy dwells in some
timeless ether. But, by God, he knows
about commercial breaks. Now, here's a
spirit for our ега!

The medium, in ways Marshall Mc-
Luhan never guessed, is clearly the mes-
sage. Awash in our media Zeitgeist, we can
ine intervention. But, this
ies America, we need it
repackaged—postmodernized— preferably
in telegenic bytes by blow-dried shamans

such as Jach and his compadre Kevin Ryer-
son, the channel catapulted to stardom by
MacLaine's blockbuster Out on a Limb.

Limb, without question, has done for
channeling what Saturday Night Fever did
for disco. The miniseries weaves the tale of
Shirl's stormy affair with a married British
pol and her plunge into the paranormal.
"The scene that opened a grateful nation’s
eyes, however, was her Malibu tête-à-tête
with Ryerson.

Kev is one of the nation’s premiere medi-
ums (Joyce DeWitt sometimes tours with
him). He's tall. He's dark. He wears a
fedora tugged low over one eye. And it’s
amazing, the stuff Ryerson reveals. For one
thing, he informs Shirley that she and her
beloved had been married on Atlantis. His
nibs was a diplomat then, too. Unfortu-
nately, even on Atlantis, he was too caught
up in his career to really adore Shirley the
way she required.

It all makes sense! That's the thing about
reincarnation: the way past lives make the
twisted and inexplicable present logical as
sitcoms. Each life's just another episode.
There are, as channels onc and all insist, no
accidents,

Their session over, Shirley'd love to find
out more about this right-brain, faith-in-
the-unseen situation, but Kev's got a date.
“I need to be picking up my lady" is how he
purs it.

Alone again, the codivine Miss M.
reports that she was “vibrating with this
strange, almost magnetic energy down
[her] arms.” Thankfully, no paper clips fly
across the room and scar her elbows.
What's most exciting is that this revela-
tion—the irrational is as real as meat
loaf—has transformed her on the spot. And
her transformation sparks scads of split-
level, job-family-and-Allstate Insurance
types to see the clear light right along with
her, Like Shirl, a soul, after that first taste,
just needs to get out there and sample the
magic firsthand.

There exist, оп ıhe New Age chain of
being, three modes of attaining atoneness
with the channel of your choice. You've got
your retreats, your cvening get-togethers
and your personalized sessions (or, as
industry insiders like to call them, your
“privates”). Retreats, often week-long af-
fairs in some suitable idyllic setting, tend
to be the most demanding, spiritually and
financially.

So when I get a call that I can meet
Mafu's own Penny T., who had already
canceled a couple of meetings, at midnight
that very night at some place called the
Institute of Mentalphysics in Yucca Val-
ley, I drop everything and flee my modest
movieland hovel for the three-hour drive.
The pointofher (continued on page 174)

(did

“Why, thank you! Га love to dance!”

138

how to
turna
nothing
studio
apartment
into the
ultimate
L-shaped
room

modern living

By Joanna L. krolz

Clubroom glamor, rich color and some smart investments take the edges off this

ordinary white-box studio (above). But high style works here, too: Diagonally
placed Oriental carpets (see floor plan, top, and photo at right) help zone the
sleeping, dining and living areas. Underneath, sisal floor covering highlights the
‘antique woods and rugs. Low-hung curtains add privacy yet turn the windows into

3-D posters. And small tables and trunks mave easily for porties of two or 20.

PLAYBOY BY DESIGN

URBANE RENEWAL

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI
MODEL-APARTMENT DESIGN BY JACK KREITINGER, CHICAGO

O MANY settle for the modern
convention: a sofa backed up to the
longest wall, a rug squarcd off against
the sofa, an armchair on lone guard duty
and, overhead, one of those snap-in light-
ing tracks that a friend promised were
easy to install. Swell. The apartment is
done. There's just one glitch. No one
wants to live there. It's a thorny prob-
lem, all right: only one room, with
microkitchenette and sleeping alcove
(maybe not even that), into which you
must fit all the needs of а man living
alone—your entire life, loves, posses-
sions, enthusiasm and comfort. Not easy.
And—we won't kid you—it's a situa-
tion that calls for compromises.

A studio apartment obviously sets lim-
its. Space is at a premium, and every
piece of furniture, each accessory and
object must be chosen with care. But
before you rush out and throw money at
the problem, think about how you spend
your time at home. Don't get snookered
by the rules. There aren't any

Some designer in the Fifties may have
decided that chrome and glass and mo-
torcycle leather provided the ultimate
bachelor ambience, but that's no reason
for you to go out and follow outmoded
prejudices. This is the Eighties, remem-
ber. No more hard-edged, right-angled
lines about what makes the man. Today's
style for the man about town runs the
gamut from cozy nights with the VCR
to playing host for glittery parties. Make
sure it's your home that's being planned,
not someone else's image. Be confident.
Above all, trust your taste.

STRATEGIES FOR SPACE: YOUR
LIVING-AND-ENTERTAINING ROOM

Тоо often, when it comes to studios,
the prevailing advice is “Think small.”
So scaled-down furniture is installed in
scaled-down apartments, and the result
looks like one of those trick model rooms
that make you notice how hard everyone
is working to fool you. Don’t fall into the
wap. Instead, think trade-offs. The idea
is to take the edges off the impersonal
white box. Since most newer high-rise
spaces have none of the character of
yesteryear’s, you have to import it by
adding sculptural shapes that will work
as interior architecture. Look for virtu-
oso furniture, something imposing or
intricate that the eye can roam around.
That can be an outsize poster, a huge,
curvy sofa—a significant investment
in style and space. (continued overleaf)

Chosen with care, big-scale furnishings do the job of walls. Opposite page, the

foot of a sleigh bed makes a low-slung bedroom border, while о screen outlines
the room within а room and camoufloges skis and weights. An airy wicker love
seat provides easy transition from the “bedroom” and intimate extra seating,
too. Antique trunks and suitcases, sporting grand-tour patinas, store linens

(above), and a small chest of drawers (top) is more efficient than a night table.

141

142

Old World comfort may reign here, yet performance is very up ta date: Dining

chairs can mave confidently into the living area. A gate-leg table serves dinner ar
backgamman (above left). At the entrance, a sideboord— rather than a table—
halds clothing os well as the mail (top). An antique armoire (opposite page)
houses high-tech equipment, while a trampe l'oeil book stock (above right)

opens to store magazines. Function counts, but personal style makes the home.

eave some air around it, some
breathing room, so the shape is sharp
and clear. Personality counts. The more
your individuality is in evidence, the
more the room will feel like home. But
function must count, too. In a studio,
you don't have the luxury of the mercly
decorative.

Storage is the problem in any apart-
ment, especially the one-room home.
And it’s perhaps the most logical one to
be solved by a major piece. An antique or
reproduction armoire with shelving and
doors will hold most electronic goodies
and still store books and trophies or
glasses and wine. Sleck and efficient stor-
age units now on the market have the
virtue of seeming built in once in place.
It’s useful to choose one with both open
and closed storage—drawers and cabi-
nets as well as shelving. Some are being
manufactured with precut holes in the
back to fit computer cables and lines for
other electronic components. Take your
pick of laminates, painted or natural
woods, high-tech metals, streamlined
plastics or combinations. Many units are
designed to stack or coexist side by side.
Whatever your taste, make sure the unit
will stow а good deal of stuff

THE CHARM OF THE UNEXPECTED

The most lighthearted people we know
lose their sense of humor and turn
earnest when it comes to furniture. Fac-
tors that never seem to matter much in
other purchases—such as safety or life-
time durability—assume paramount im-
portance when applied to a lamp or a
chair. The most fashionable of men still
end up with sofas that are tried, true and
boring. Why? Because of a tendency to
get their rooms in order and then go on
to more major concerns. Because furni-
ture is pricy and you don’t discard a sofa
like last year’s suit. You figure, with rea-
son, that the smart policy is to choose the
unobtrusive, the neutral, the convention-
al. “It'll still look good in ten years,”
urges the salesman

Maybe. In any case, ten years from
now, you'll undoubtedly be somewhere
else, doing something different, and that
sofa will be, at best, an annoying re-
minder of where you were. Try thinking
of the room the way you do your
clothes—just with a longer timetable.
Your wardrobe changes, gets added to,
edited. You never consider it finished.
Homes are like that, too.

Take a chance with an item or
two. One (continued on page 212)

wrreree/

FICTION

By JOSEPH HELLER

M my memory is correct, no eplsodes or characters
were deleted when the first typed manuscript of
Calch-22 was reduced in the editing from about 800
pages to 600. My memory is not correct. Shortly after
the novel was published in late 1961, a friend who had
read the original deplored the omission of a series of
letters from Nately to his father. Subsequently, those
eight orten pages were published In Playboy under the
title Love, Dad (December 1969).

T should state that all of the cutting had been for the
sole purpose of obtaining more coherence and effec-
tiveness for the lotal work.

More recently, on the 25th anniversary of the publi-
cation of the novel, two officers at the U.S. Air Force
Academy doing research on the work wanted to know
why 1 had removed an entire small chapter dealing with
a physical-education instructor and with the applica-
tion of calisthenics and other exercises as preparations
Tor combat and survival.

My reactions of surprise were contradictory: | had
forgotten I had written it; | was positive | had left it in.
“Do you mean it's not there?” | exclaimed. “That line
"Don't just lie there while you're waiting for the ambu-
lance. Do push-ups'?”

They assured me that the entire chapter had been
excluded, that they felt it was good, still timely, and
that it ought to be published.

Checking on my own, 1 find them correct on all
points. That chapter is not In the novel; I think it ought
to be published.

Here itis. — JOSEPH HELLER

ACTUALLY, YOSSARIAN OWED his good health to clean living—to plen-
ty of fresh air, exercise, teamwork and good sportsmanship. It was
to get away from all of them that he had gone on sick call the first
time and had discovered the hospital.

At Lowry Field, where he had gone through armament school
before applying for cadet training, the enlisted men were condi-
tioned for survival in combat by a program of calisthenics that was
administered six days a week by Rogoff, a conscientious physical-
education instructor. Rogoff was a staff sergeant in his mid-30s. He
was a spare, wiry, obsequious man with flat bones and a face like
tomato juice who was devoted to his work and always seemed to
arrive several minutes late to perform it

In reality, he always arrived several minutes early and con-
cealed himself in some convenient hiding place nearby until every-
one else had arrived, so that he could come bounding up in а
hurry, as though he were a very busy man, and launch right into
his exercises without any awkward preliminaries. Rogoff found
conversation difficult. He would conceal himself behind a motor

in a lost chapter of catch-22, our hero discov-
ers that the best exercise is no exercise at all

SU AVE ES 5

PAINTING BY CHARLES WALKER

145

PLAYBOY

146

vehicle if one were parked in the vicinity
or hide near the window in the
room of one of the barracks buildings
or underneath the landing of the entrance
to the orderly room. One afternoon, he
jumped down into one of ex-Pfc. Winter-
green's holes to hide and was cracked
right across the side of the head with a
shovel by ex-Pfc. Wintergreen, who
poured a stream of scalding abuse after
him as he stumbled away in apologetic
humiliation toward the men waiting for
him to arrive and put them through his
exercises.

Rogoff conducted his exercises from а
high wooden platform between two pri-
vates on the ground he called his
sergeants, who shared the same unques-
tioning faith in the efficacy of exercise
and assisted him by performing each cal-
isthenic up front after he himself had
stopped to rest his voice, which was
reedy and unpredictable to begin with.
Rogoff abhorred idleness. Whenever he
had nothing better to do on his platform,
he strode about resolutely, clapped his
hands in spasmodic outbursts of zeal and
said, “Hubba, hubba.” Each time he
said “Hubba, hubba” to the columns of
men in green fatigues on the ground be-
fore him, they would say “Hubba, hub-
ba, hubba, hubba” right back to him and
begin scuffing their feet and shaking their
elbows against their sides until Rogoff
made them stop by unctuously raising
his hand high in an approving kind of
benediction and saying, as though deeply
moved, “That's the way, men. That's the
way."

Hubba, hubba, he had explained, was
the noise made by an eager beaver, and
then he had laughed, as though at an
extraordinary witticism.

Rogoff conducted them through a wide
variety of obscene physical experiences.
There were bending, stretching and
jumping exercises, all executed in unison
toa masculine, musical cadence of “One,
two, three, four, one, two, three, four."
The men assumed a prone position and
did push-ups or assumed a supine posi-
tion and did sit-ups. The men learned a
lot from calisthenics. They learned the
difference between prone and зирте

Rogoff named, then demonstrated,
each exercise he wanted done and схег-
cised right along with them until he had
counted one, two, three, four five times,
as loudly as he could, at the top of his
frail voice. The two privates he had
promoted to Бе his sergeants continued
doing the same exercise after he had
stopped to rest his voice and was pacing
spryly about on the platform or clapping
his hands with spirit.

Occasionally, he would jump down to
the ground without any warning, as
though the platform were on fire, and
dart inside one of the two-story barracks
buildings behind him to make certain

that no one who was supposed to be out-
side doing calisthenics was inside not do-
ing them. The men on the athletic field
would still be bending, stretching ог
jumping when he darted back out. To
bring them to a halt, he would begin
bending, stretching or jumping right
along with them, counting one, two,
three, four twice, his voice soaring up-
ward almost perpendicularly into anoth-
er octave the first time and squeezing out
the second set of numbers in an ago-
nized, shredded falsetto that made the
veins and tendons bulge out gruesomely
on his neck and forehead and brought an
even greater flood of color to his flat red
face. Every time Rogoff brought an exer-
cise to an end, he would say “Hubba,
hubba” to them, and they would say
“Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba” right
back, like the bunch of eager beavers he
hoped from the bottom of his heart they
would all turn out to be.

When the men were not bending,
stretching, jumping or pushing up, they
were taught tap dancing, because tap
dancing would endow them with the
rhythm and coordination necessary to do
the bending, stretching, jumping and
push-ups that would develop the rhythm
and coordination necessary to be pro-
ficient at judo and survive in combat.

Rogoff emoted the same ardor for judo
as he did for calisthenics and spent about
ten minutes of each session rehearsing
them in the fundamentals in slow mo-
tion. Judo was the best natural weapon
an unarmed fighting man had for coping
with one or more enemy soldiers in a
desert or jungle, provided he was un-
armed. If he had a loaded carbine or sub-
machine gun, he would be at a distinct
disadvantage, since he would have to
shoot it out with them. But if he was
lucky enough to be trapped by them
without a gun, then he would be able to
use judo.

“Judo is the best natural weapon а
fighting man has," Rogofl would remind
them each day from his pinnacle in his
high and constricted voice, spilling the
words out with haste and embarrass-
ment, as though he could not wait to be
rid of them.

The men faced one another in rows
and went through the movements slowly,
without making contact, since judo was
so destructive a natural weapon that it
could not even be practiced long enough
to be learned without annihilating its
students. Judo was the best natural
weapon a fighting man had until the day
the popular boxing champ showed up as
а guest calisthenics instructor to improve
their morale and introduced them to the
left jab.

“The left jab,” said the champ without
any hesitation from Rogoff's platform,
“is the best natural defensive weapon a
fighting man has. And since the best de-

fensive weapon is an offensive weapon,
the left jab is also the best natural
offensive weapon a fighting man has,”

Rogolf's face went white as a sheet.

The champ had the men face one an-
other in rows and counted cadence while
they learned and practiced the left jab in
slow motion to a dignified four-beat
rhythm, without making contact.

“One, two, three, four,” he counted
“One, two, jab, four. Now the other
column. Remember, no contact with the
left jab. Ready? Jab, two, three, four, jab,
two, jab, four, one, jab, three, jab, jab,
two, three, jab. That's the way. Now
we'll rest a few seconds and practice it
some more. You can’t practice the left jab
too much.”

The champ had been escorted to the
athletic field in his commissioned-
officer's uniform by an adulating retinue
of colonels and generals, who stared up
at him raptly from the ground in lam-
bent idolatry. Rogoff had becn bumped
aside off his platform and was completely
forgotten. Even the honor of introducing
the champ to the men had been denied
him. An embarrassed litte smile tor-
tured his lips as he stood off by himself
on the ground, ignored by everyone, i
cluding the two privates he had made his
sergeants. It was one of these sergeants
who asked the champ what he thought of
judo.

“Judo is no good,” the champ de-
clared. “Judo is Japanese. The left jab is
American. We're at war with Japan. You
figure it out from there. Are there any
more questions?"

There were none. It was time for the
champ and his distinguished flotilla to

go.

“Hubba, hubba,” he said.

“Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba,” the
men replied.

There was an awkward hush after the
champ had gone and Rogoff had re-
turned to his desecrated platform. Rogoff
gulped in abasement, failing abysmally
in his attempt to pass off with casual in-
difference the shattering loss of status he
had just suffered.

“Men,” he explained weakly in a
choked and apologetic voice, “the champ
is a great man and we've all got to keep
in mind everything he told us. But he’s
been traveling around a lot in conncction
with the war effort, and maybe he hasn’t
been able to keep up to date on the latest
methods of warfare. That's why he said
those things he did about the left jab and
about judo. For some people, I guess, the
left jab is the best natural weapon a
fighting man has. For others, judo is the
best. We'll continue concentrating on ju-
do here, because we have to concentrate
on something and we can't concentrate
on both. Once you get overseas to the jun-
gle or desert and find yourselves attacked

(continued on page 184)

“One pumps iron, the olher is recovering from a
damaged relationship. Easy does и.”

147

ЕХ
TARS

OF 1987
E X
- і 4
4e $
Y
A t
y
EN N
EX
~

Torrid Twosome

KEVIN COSTNER and SEAN YOUNG |

Моме
Screens are beginning to
steam up again, thanks in no
small partto such stars asSean
Young and Kevin Costner(oppo-
site), who are obsessed with
each other in No Way Out,
and ever-sexy Kim Basinger
(right), most recently paired -
with Jeff Bridges in the goofi-

ly romantic thriller Nadine.

this year, hollywood had
a lot of competition—
from amateurs

text by
JIM HARWOOD

OR А WHILE, 11
seemed as if the Sex
Stars of 1987 would
turn out to be a ram-
bunctious bunch of
overnight sensations

who might never be
heard from again. For-

tunately, a few experi-
enced veterans came off

the side lines to make
the year а memorable
mix of high-jinks rather

(text continued on page 168)

KIM BASINGER

A Now Kind of Blonde

MEDIA DARLINGS

One could scarcely open a
periodical in 1987 without en-
countering Vanna White (left),
Wheel of Fortune's popu-
lar letterwoman, whose May
Playboy issue was a sellout.
As for Gloria (Ms) Steinem

M (above), she brightened our
year by posing in a mini for
Vanity Fair. We're glad you've
finally caught up with us, Glo-
ria. If you hadn't had great
gams, youd never have be-
come a funny Bunny. A lady
named Angelyne (top right)
had herself immortalized on
billboards and ап 85-foot mu-

VANNA WHITE rel, while model Paulina Poriz

Fortune's Favorite kova (bottom right) had a new:

calendar and Playboy ШУ |

"^ —

PAULINA PORIZKOVA

Page Turner

GLORIA STEINEM

Most Liberated Legs

Е
t

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

Most Be-Witching

How does he manage it?
Mickey Rourke (left) can look
like a slob in such films as
Angel Heart and Barfly, but
he still turns on the ladies.
Michelle Pfeiffer (above) en-
livens The Witches of East-
wick as well as the zany
spoof Amazon Women on the
Moon, while Patrick Swayze
(below), previously cast as a
tough, outdoorsy kind of guy,
transforms a Borscht Belt ho-
tel dance floor into an eroge-
nous zone in Dirty Dancing.

"/ PATRICK SWAYZE

Dirtiest Dancer

MICKEY ROURKE

Slovenly but Sexy

SONIA BRAGA

Milagro's Miracle

BRIGITTE NIELSEN
So Long, Sly

Brazil's spectacular Sonia
Braga (left), owner of one of
our favorite foreign bodies,
stars in Robert Redford's ир-
coming Milagro Beanfield
War; great Dane Brigitte
Nielsen (above) split from
husband Sylvester Stallone,
has lots of movie offers (not to
mention a sizzling pictorial in
this issue). And super-Swede
Dolph Lundgren, no longer
Grace Jones's main man,
conquers all as the superhero
of Masters of the Universe.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Dis-Graced

You've been
under a rock if you aren't aware
that 1987 marks the 25th anni-
versary of 007 movies, duly not-
ed with a Playboy retrospective.
(September) and a new film,
The Living Daylights, starring
Timothy Dalton (below) as
Bond and Maryam d'Abo (left)
as his musical Bondswoman.

MARYAM D'ABO TIMOTHY DALTON

Comeliest Cellist — ehe Heir Apparent

MADONNA
Queen of the Road

JON BON JOVI

Teens' Dream

Musics charms do more to
inflame than to soothe when
it's Madonna (left) on stage;
her round-the-world tour was
a near sellout wherever she
went, filling such giant arenas
as Houston's Astrodome and
London's Wembley Stadium.
(In her movie Who's That Girl,
though, she took a fall.) Jon
Bon Jovi (above) drew the
lion's share of the year's
groupies, while Whitney
Houston (below) scored with
a second top-selling album.

WHITNEY HOUSTON

Pop's Top

GARY HART

Losingest Weekend

FAWN HALL

Sexiest Shredder

DONNA RICE O OLIVER NORTH ©

Hart Stopper " 4 >) Soep Killer

$оте
of the year's sexiest sto-
ries featured people who
popped up on television
newscasts, not sitcoms.
Donna Rice (far left) is a
Miami party girl whose
past has been revealed to
be much more colorful
than she would like to ad-
mit. Donne, who has been
described in the press as
"Wild Rice" and an "ac-
tion girl helped torpedo
the Presidential ambitions
of candidate Gary Hart
(top left) when they were
Observed during an all-
night stake-out at his
Washington town house. It
later turned out that Rice,
the ex-girlfriend of a con-
victed drug dealer, had ac-
companied Hart on a
swinging cruise to Bimini.
Fawn Hall (center left)
shredded heaps of docu-
ments, then smuggled oth-
er papers from the office
of her boss, Lieutenant
Colonel Oliver North (bot-
tom left), in her blouse;
this fueled sniggering
speculation about their re-
lationship that both de-
nied—and that has never
been confirmed. But the
years hottest story was
that of former church
Secretary Jessica Hahn
(right), whose revelations
about the sexual and
financial misdeeds of TV
evangelist Jim Bakker led
to his downfall and to the
near demise of his multi-
million-dollar PTL empire.
Jessica has told her com-
plete story exclusively in
the pages of Playboy.

à |

JESSICA HAHN
Avenging Angel

LAYBOY'S
LAYMATES

ia the /|/Jowies

JULIE MCCULLOUGH
Miss February 1986
Big Bad Mama Il

F. the beginning, Playboy’s Playmates have appeared in
movies. Think of Jayne Mansfield and Stella Stevens. This year,
though, there's a bumper crop. The eight gatefold girls on these
pages have been in more films than we have space to list. Other
Playmates are also making cinematic waves: 30th Anniversary
Playmate Penny Baker, for example, is Charity in Million Dollar
Mystery; Heidi Sorenson is the mayor's best girl in Roxanne; Ava
Fabian, in Dragnet, plays Dabney Coleman's companion, Ava;
Susan Scott stars in Student Confidential and Pamela Bryant in
Tiger Shark; Yuliis Ruval, a.k.a. Lillian Müller, is in Stewardess
School. Independent film maker Andy Sidaris features a verita-
ble stock company of Playmates, among them Hope Marie Carl-
ton, Cynthia Brimhall, Patty Duffek, Dona Speir and Roberta
Vasquez, in his secret-agent movies Hard Ticket to Hawaii and
Picasso Trigger. Catch a Playboy centerfold on the screen soon!

PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ RICHARD FEGLEY

— = р
HOPE MARIE CARLTON, _ ~
Miss July 1985

Double Exposure

Slaughterhouse Rock

Hard Ticket to Hawaii

(OREL

DEVIN DE VASQUEZ

Miss June
Can't Buy Me Love

‚House Il: The Second Story

KIMBERLY EVENSON
Miss September 1984
Kandyland

Porky's Revenge

SHANNON TWEED
Playmate of the Year 1982
Code Name: Vengeance
Steele Justice

Lover Boy

DONA SPEIR
Miss March 1984
Into the Night
Picasso Trigger

Hard Ticket to Hawaii

REBECCA FERRATTI
Miss June 1986

The Silent Assassin

Gor

Outlaw of Gor

Playmata of the Yaar 1986
] The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck

THE SUBSTITUTES
Golem Won

THE MOST optimistic scientists agree that massive overcrowding is just getting
started (wait until we all try to pack ourselves aboard the spaceship!), and its just
begun to dawn on us that many living creatures we enjoy or need are space-
wasting and could easily be replaced with computerized, mechanical substitutes.

We all wanted childhood

friends, sure, but they often ate
cookies we expected to eat, and
they selfishly refused to let us play
with their toys, so we often had to
beat them, which made them bleed
or swell up, and that got us into
serious trouble with adults. Now
American know-how is developing
a wide variety of robot chums that
will talk to kids, follow them
around on cute little feet or treads
and even urinate on them.

Of course, the experimental
models they come up with next
may now and then get a mite too
clever, but they'll be awfully
surprised to learn that Daddy has
bought a little gadget of his own

to cover that eventuality.

Pets will be a natural for mechan-
ical replacement, though there
may bebugs in the earlier devices.

Many a would-be mom and

рор, debt-ridden for life from their
college education and unable to
afford flesh-and-blood offspring,
will buy computerized children
that can be traded in for
computerized adolescents.

Later, when the pretend parents
get on in years and feel like
playing Grandpa and Grandma,
they can trade their matured
offspring back in for a fresh new
ES set of little tots, which will make
> appealing walking planters and

Y Е handy mobile end tables. . . .

And if the old folks get cranky,
they can indulge themselves in act-
ing out a fantasy that has crossed
many a grandparents mind on
long, rainy afternoons.

And, of course, they will all have
built-in rheostats.

The wildest and most glorious
imaginings of men will at last

be realized when customized, per-
fect lovers come onto the market.
They will be programmed with the
“Kama Sutra,’ just for starters. . . .

The Pentagon will be сотршег-
ized, though not without some
flawed prototypes at the start.

Politics will finally be perfected
when political offices are held by
genuinely artificial mayors,
Congressmen and, yes—most
decidedly— Presidents.

In the end, we will all be

replaced by tidier replicas of
ourselves, and in many ways it
will be a great improvement: All
the trains will finally run on time;
the streets of our cities will be
spotlessly clean; and there will be
no starvation anywhere in all the
world, except for the occasional
power failure.

Its а pity no one will be there
to notice.

PLAYBOY

168

SEXSTARS (continued from page 149)

“Such a tale Hollywood hasn't heard since the good

old day.

. Part way through, Romina swooned.”

than an endless display of clum,
enthusiasm.

Sure, it was fun to watch a part-time
model undo a Presidential candidate and
an ex-church secretary bedevil a preacher
and his painted wife, while a White House
honey stuffed her shirtwaist full of secrets
to protect a new American hero, who
wanted only to save the country from com-
munism and pick up leotards for his kids
at the panty-hose store.

But trying to get at the truth was just
too tiring, as even a Congressional com-
mittee discovered. We want our sexual evi-
dence sworn to in the courtroom by a
swooning Italian “passion flower" while
the wronged soap-opcra star glares at her
philandering husband. We want married
hunks and hunkettes splitting apart amid
conflicting press releases. We want porno
stars to win elections and reach voting age
or, at least, the age of consent. We want
stars behind bars. Hallelujah, we got it
all—and more. Where to begin? From the

amateur

standpoint of history, Miami model Danna
Rice doubtless caused the most trouble—at
least for Democrats—by sailing off with
Presidential front runner Gary Hart to the
Bahamas and into the headlines. He was
forced to quit the race and she tried to
paste up a new career from the clippings.
А suspicious nation was prepared for
the worst when it turned out that hand-
some Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North had
had a tawny aide-de-camp named Fawn
Hall (none of these girls is ever named Mil-
licent Feenweather, we notice) helping him
at the shredding machine in the Irangate
scandal. But he said he was true to wile
Betsy—and Fawn, as she fended off a flood
of offers that would have let her profit from
the experience, also denied fooling around.
Donna was love-struck and Fawn was
devoted. But Jessica Hahn said she just
wanted to pay her religious respects when
she spent time in a hotel room with Jim
Bakke, the popular PTL Club tele-
vangelist with the Howdy Doody grin.

“And you in your kerchief and I in my turban had just
settled down for a long evening's bourbon.”

Some seven years later, Hahn revealed
that she had been wicked into bed with
Bakker. Repenting, Bakker said he had
been trying to make his heavily painted,
astonishingly eyelashed co-host wile, Tam-
my, jealous because she was being too
friendly with a country singer. The
Bakkers said it was all one big misunder-
standing but still wound up out of work;
their dog's air-conditioned house was auc-
tioned off while they struggled to hang on
to several mansions of their own.

Hand in hand through it all, Jim and
Tammy were shining examples of marital
devotion in public, as were ОШе and Betsy
and Gary and his wife, Lee. Alas, Holly-
wood marriages sometimes aren’t equal to
the strain. There were Joan Collins and her
Swedish younger hubby, Peter Holm,
fighting it out in court over his demands
for a couple of mil in joint property, plus
$80,000 a month to support his manly
needs. At a dramatic moment, her lawyer
called Romina Danielson, who took the stand
in a tight dress to tell all about her love
affair with the impoverished plaintiff.

Such a tale Hollywood hasn’t heard
since the good old days. According to 23-
year-old Romina, she lived with a kindly
elderly millionaire husband who approved
of her extramarital flings, including bed-
ding down in the bushes with Peter, who
spread petals on her body and called her
his Passion Flower.

Part way through her testimony, Romi-
na swooned and collapsed on the witness
stand, ripping at her well-filled bodice as if
gasping for air, As the court recessed,
jaunty Joan stepped past the supine inter-
loper, whose testimony was subsequently
dismissed when she failed to reappear for
cross-examination, The divorce was grant-
ed, but at presstime, Holm was still look-
ing for the 80 grand.

If it ever gets to court, the divorce of
Sylvester Stallane and his 24-year-old bride,
Brigitte Nielsen, promises to display some
provocative witnesses, too, if even a tenth
of the gossip can be believed. Although the
parties communicated through press re-
leases denying the good stuff, the tabloids
were atwitter with all sorts of speculation
about Nielsen’s ramblings away from
Rambo. (For details—and pictures—sce
Gitte the Great elsewhere in this issue.)

Gary Hart had obviously had enough of
such attention by the time he visited Bar-
celona, shortly after withdrawing from the
Presidential race. Scheduled to appear on
a Spanish talk show, he ducked out when
he discovered that a fellow guest was to be
llana Staller, newly clected to the Italian
Chamber of Deputies. Hart apparently felt
that he needed no new exposure with
Staller, а porn star who had run for office
under her better-known stage name, Cicci-
olina. In office, she vowed to seck the over-
turning of various antiporn laws under
which she had been prosecuted

The U.S. porno industry could only

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PLAYBOY

look on in envy at Staller's success as it
was rocked from the inside out by revela-
tions that tender temptress Traci Lords had
been tender, indeed—well under the
legal age of 18—when she appeared in
hundreds of popular films, tapes and
magazines. The products had to be pulled
from the shelves and destroyed at painful
expense to the industry, and some produc-
ers were prosecuted for having done busi-
ness with her. The law left Traci, now 19,
alone, but after the release of a new hard-
core video, Traci, I Love You, she an-
nounced she was entering a new field with
an exercise video, Warm-up to Traci. If the
porno purveyors had hung around the
L.A. jail long enough, they might have had
а good chance of running into a famous
face: Seon Penn, who seems to make regular
stops at the poky. Already on probation
for punching a songwriter at a night club
when he suspected that the tunesmith was
trying to kiss his wife, Modomo, Penn
flared up again on the set of Colors, swing-
ing at an extra for taking a photo of him
and co-star Robert Duvall. The judge gave
Penn a 60-day sentence, but his little wom-
an was patient and understanding, insist-
ing that her man would have to be a
“pacifist or a Buddhist” to ignore the
taunts tossed his way. “They bait Sean i

ways I can’t even tell you,” Madonna
complained. “They call me obscene names
in front of him just to get him to react, but
Scan is trying to learn not to take the
bait. . . . I think he will emerge from jai
as a better person and as an even greater
actor.” This was good news for those who
had seen the pair together in Shanghai

Surprise Madonna fared little better with
her solo outing in Who's That Girl, but her
concert tour drew sellout crowds from
Tokyo to Paris.

Bruce Willis also wound up at the sta-
tion house after police were called to
quiet a nonstop three-day party at his Hol-
Iywood Hills home. According to the cops,
the Moonlighting star put up an argument,
and he was subsequently arrested for аз-
saulting an officer. Before stardom, Willis
had had a reputation for loud all-night
parties back home in New York. But bois-
terous bachelor Bruce had a lot to cele-
brate, having squired in short order such
beauties as Jonet Jones, Olivia Brown and
Demi Moore.

The mother of new twins with her
husband, chiropractor Bruce Oppenheim,
Willis’ co-star, Cybill Shepherd, says Bruce
could never woo her romantically. “I went
toa therapist to make sure that kind of guy
wouldn't be in my anymore," she said.

Some of this year's lovely ladies have led
pretty rowdy lives of their own. Take Pauli-
no Porizkova (and many wanted to after her
layout in our August issue). Known for her
teenage adventures in Paris’ Latin Quar-
ter, Paulina is now tying to calm down.
“My experience tells me that the people
who read Dostoievsky usually don’t say
shit and fuck,” she observed. “So I'm not
going to say them anymore.” Oh, darn.

But some loyelies, such as Theresa Russell,
are leery of carrying ladyhood 100 far.
‘Talking of “smart and elegant” women in
London recently, Russell told writer Buck
Henry of her occasional aspiration to look
like that, According to Russell, Henry re-
sponded, “Yeah, but would you want to

“Last time, we got monkeys on our umbrellas.”

fuck her?” “All of a sudden,” Russell re-
called, “1 said, ‘Oh, no! You mean, 1 could
be like that and nobody would want to
fuck me?" I don't think 1 would like that!”

Still, fashion can he sexy—especial-
ly this year, with the return of the т
skirt. While the short skirt infuriated some
feminists, such as Вену Friedon, who said it
was like “trying to put women into girdles
again,” others—notably Glorio Steinem—
found charm in the garment and actually
posed in и for a cheesecaky Vanity Fair fea-
ture. Said Steinem, “Women have seized
control of what they're wearing. 105 more
about style, less about fashion."

More and less, less and more; it always
goes in cycles. And for all the people who
got into trouble, an equal number of Sex
Stars remained relatively well behaved. As
usual, the good guys were inspired by Van-
no White, whose May Playboy pictorial did
g to mar her clean-cut image: she
remained as puzzlingly popular as ever,
turning those Wheel of Fortune letters with
one hand and cranking out a book and a
fitness video with the other.

On balance, although the aberrations
draw the most attention, nice, normal lives
seem to be in vogue. Corbin Bernsen, who
plays a repellent, womanizing divorce
lawyer on L.A. Law, pretty well summed
up his private life—and those of a lot of
people—by noting, “I’m not as promiscu-
ous as my character. My idea of a great
date is swinging in a hammock, sipping a
margarita with a sunset coming over the
aqua-blue sea.” Bernsen, incidentally, has
kept company with the aforementioned
White and with Heother Thomas, great
dates in anybody's book.

Former eligible bachelor Mork Hormon
played it doubly clean-cut on screen in
Summer School and in private life hy mar-
rying wholesome Pam Dawber оГ My Sister
Sam. The couple sneaked away for their
wedding. Asked why, Pam explained,
“Look what happened to Bruce and Ju-
lionne Springsteen. . . . We didn't want a
circus, like Scan Penn and Madonna.”

Another happy family man is Kevin Cost-
ner, suddenly clevated to major stardom by
The Untouchables. Married ten years to his
college swectheart, Cindy, with whom he
has two daughters, Costner says he's never
been a big sex symbol. "Girls don't run
after me,” he says, “But sometimes guys'll
stop me on the street and introduce their
girlfriends. They don’t seem to be threat-
ened by me, for some weird reason.” Our
guess is that has changed since the guys
have seen Kevin’s steamy performance in
№ Way Out, opposite a startlingly sultry
Sean Young.

Even old coals аге flaming up again
Melanie Griffith has reported that she
and ex-husband Don Johnson are keeping
company again, though not exclusively.
Melanic was only 14 when she first moved
in with Johnson; in 1976, after four years
together, they married, but the union

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PLAYBOY

172

lasted less than a year. Former groupie
Pamela Des Barres boosts Don's image in
her new autobiography, I'm with the Band:
“Huge cock,” Pamela told her diary. “I'm
getting off like I haven't in ages”

Tina Turner found new love with a Ger-
man recording exec, Erwin Bach, 16 years
her junior. “When people first heard
about us, they reacted as though he was a
teenager,” she fumed. “But he’s 31 years
old, for Chrissakes. How old do you have
to get to be a man?”

“I want your sex,” former Wham!
singer George Michael belted while censors
fumed, ignoring the rest оГ the song's
lyrics, which assert that “Sex is natural /
Sex is fun / Sex is best when it’s one on
one.” When MTV refused to air the video
without editing, Michael protested, “Sex
is not a public enemy at the moment;
promiscuity is a public enemy, but sex
isn't.”

Jon Bon Jovi, with his 14-inch locks—

ay he has the best hair in rock "n^
as eschewed some of the mu-
sic world's excesses of the past, insisting
that the kids to whom he appeals don’t
need to know that much about his private
life. Still, they might have wondered about
the title of the group’s hit Slippery When
Wel’s having been inspired by two strip-
pers in a shower.

Other heavy-metal workers were rela-
tively calm at home. Nikki Sixx settled
down with Vanity, who claimed, "We've
kind of tamed each other. At home,
Nikki’s such а farm boy! He wears granny
glasses. . . . You don't need booze and
drugs when you're in love.”

Prince, Vanity’s former companion, was
going strong on an intercontinental tour,
crooning to a hot new momma, Cot Glover;
but Parisians’ eyes were on Sheena Easton,
ostensibly in the City of Light to make a

video with Prince; rumors had it that her
interest in the star was more than musical.

"Safe sex" was the battle cry for the
year, leaving Hollywood a bit schizo-
phrenic. Sweet little Lisa Bonet, one of the
nicest daughters Bill Casby could want on
television, boiled over on the big screen
with Mickey Rourke in Angel Heart, which
was cut and recut to get its original X rat-
ing changed to ап В.

Pretty Alexandra Paul, who almost stole
Dragnet in the role of a squeaky-clean vir-
gin, complained that her character was
not like her. “I don't think I am a particu-
larly nice person,” she commented. “But
for some reason, I tend to get cast as the
sweet thing.” Although she’s played girls
next door in most of her films, she did get
to essay a hooker in Fight Million Ways to
Die and liked it. “Playing a whore, I had to
be comfortable with my body. It made me
explore my sexuality.”

‘Two of the most daring explorers of the
year were Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin,
who filmed a volcanic sex scene together in
The Big Ea. I think Dennis was a little
horrified when 1 pulled his pants down,”
Barkin said after shooting the scene. “We
hadn't practiced that, and I know he got
mad at me. I understand him completely.
If, in the middle of a scene, someone just
ripped my blouse off, I'd
Cut.

Sexy or sedate, many Beautiful People
are just busy working. Sonia Braga stars.
with Richard Dreyfuss and Raul Julia in
Moon over Parador and in Robert Redford's
Milagro Beanfield War, duc soon. Dolph
Lundgren, split from former fiancée Groce
Jones, appeals to the kids in Masters of the
Universe and to adults as a hired assassin
in Red Scorpion. Patrick Swayze, the stud of
Dirty Dancing, plays a young man trying to

make amends to his father after holding
him hostage in Tiger Warsaw.

Sexy—and working plenty—are a slew
of Playmates. Shonnon Tweed, Playmate of
the Year for 1982, appears in Code Name:
Vengeance, Steele Justice and Lover Boy.
Kathy Shower, Playmate of the Year for
1986, shows her winning form in a film
tentatively titled The Further Adventures of
Tennessee Buck and The Woman Who Loved
Too Much, Dona Speir, Miss March 1984, is
in Into the Night, Dragnet, Hard Ticket to
Hawaii and Picasso Trigger, Hope Marie
Carlton, Miss July 1985, in Double Exposure
and Slaughterhouse Rock, as well as Hard
Ticket lo Нашай and Picasso Trigger; Re-
becca Ferratti, Miss June 1986, in The Silent
Assassin, Three Amigos, Beverly Hills Cop II,
Gor and Outlaw of Gor; Devin De Vosquez,
Miss June 1985, in Can't Buy Me Love and
House II: The Second Story; Kimberly Even-
son, Miss September 1984, in Kidnapped
and Kandyland; and Julie McCullough, Miss
February 1986, in Big Bad Mama И.

Standing alone was Angelyne, who has
been hanging around Hollywood trying to
become famous for several years. She
finally made it this year by having her
lorm painted in an 85-foot portrait on the
side of a building near the corner of Holly-
wood and Vine. That was it and she was
pleased. “I’m the first person in the histo-
ту of Hollywood to ever become famous
for not " she boasted.

Timothy Dolton became the latest person
to play James Bond, in The Living Day-
lights, and the first person to delight in do-
ing so with lovely Maryam d'Abo, who won
Playboy readers’ hearts with a September
pictorial. But the blonde with the cute rear
end in the movic's poster turned out to be
Kothy Stongel, who was paid $500 for a
four-hour posing session.

Dalton won a libel suit against an Eng-
lish newspaper that had wrongfully re-
ported he had been fired from the role of
007. But Princess Diono was in no position
10 sue over endless stories in her country's
tabloids about her alleged antics. She
finally had enough and protested that
“contrary to recent reports in some of our
more sensational Sunday newspapers, |
have not been drinking. And I am not, I
can assure you, about to become an alco-
holic.”

In the face of such irritations, the mark
of a truly veteran and experienced Sex
Star is to stay calm no matter what. With a
stack of his own libel suits pending against
British tabloids, Elton John took an even-
handed view: “I have more writs lying
around England than I have hit records
lately. . . . There's nothing they could say
about me anymore that would embarrass
anybody—except if they said ГА slept
with Prince Philip, and that would only em-

barrass him.”

MODERN MANS GUIDE nent om ье»

employment agencies and the unemployment office; doing some-
thing about his new state of unemployment will help give him a
sense of control over his situation.

Be positive. Talk about his strong points and emphasize his
worth. Don't overdo this, or he'll end up with your job.

SHINE, MISTER?

atronize your local shoeshine parlor. A good shine per-

formed by somebody who really knows what he's doing is

not only a threatened masculine tradition, it’s also a damn

fine show—the snap and pop of a buffing rag in the hands of

a pro is a unique thing. Besides, loafing for a quarter hour in
a shine parlor is good for what ails your ego; you are, for exam-
ple, strongly advised to visit a shoeshine parlor on your way to a
job interview.

I'M Еве You Quit!

side from dying at your desk, the only way to get out of a job
is to get fired or to quit. So don’t make a big deal out of
either one. These things happen.
If you leave a job with bitterness, conceal your feelings from
your co-workers and your boss. Leave no loose ends, even if
it means working overtime. If you explode and storm out, you'll
just be leaving a group of people who will happily gossip about
you and call you a jerk behind your back.

REVENGE

evenge must be secn as a risky investment in which you will
either gain a grcat deal or lose much more than you can
айога. Therefore, we don't recommend it. If, however, you
just can't help yourself:

Make it fast. The romantic notion that you can wait a
lifetime to avenge some slight is bullshit. The longer you wait,
the morc your determination will cool.

The return. Be sure the screwing you give is worth the one
you'll get.

Clichés. Every cliché we've ever heard about revenge is true,
especially the one about success’ being the sweetest variety. If
you really want to get even with ex-girlfriends, ex-wives or
ex-employers, get along better without them.

MODERN ROMANCE

he cardinal rules. On behalf of all men everywhere, please
observe the following rules of behavior at all times.

1. Do not whistle, shout or make animal noises at females

in public.

2. If you are over the age of 40, do not make suggestive
remarks or double-entendyes during a flirtation ritual with a
younger woman

. Do not make rude or suggestive comments to any females
th whom you have а less than intimate acquaintance, espe-
cially if you are in the company of other males.

4. Never touch a female with whom you have a less than inti-
mate acquaintance in any way differently from the way you
would touch another male

Note: Women who wish you to violate these rules will make
their wishes known to you in unambiguous ways. Until then,
assume that all women—along with all Modern Men—will find
the violation of these rules grotesquely offensive.

SEDUCTION AND SEX

ook out for number one. The key to great sex is selfishness, not
hypersensitivity. The best sexual encounters begin with bold
and unapologetically smoldering gazes and lead to a kind of
foreplay in which your thoughts and moves subtly impart the
message that you're going after what you want, no matter

what. Then forget all you’ve ever heard or read about technique.
In fact, forget about everything in the world, except for that part
of it which is before you. No amount of tender (or timid) consid-
eration will ever please her as much. Never ask if it was good
(you'll feel no need to) and be sure to return to being a gentle-
man when the lights go back on.

"Ehat's how it works. Sometimes.

Ам ENGLISH-LANGUAGE/GIRL-T ALK
DiRr* WORD GLOSSARY

ts very fashionable for women to be foulmouthed—but
only in public. In private, intimate moments, when blunt
words might be expected, women turn coy and revert to.
a chaste, mysterious language. Below is a brief list of.

translations.
ENGLISH GIRLTALK
Cock It
Balls Those
Tits These
Cunt There
Shit Freshen up
Fuck Dinner and a movie

THE PuBIC WORKOUT

good round of P.C. (for pubococcygeus)-muscle exercises
will do more for your sex life than years of psychotherapy.
"Fhe P.C. is the central muscle of the pelvis, suspended
like a hammock from the front of your crotch to the back.
"The proper exercise of the muscle may help you enjoy more.
frequent erections, increased sexual endurance, an infection-
free urinary tract.

Simply finding the P.C. muscle will give you an intuitive
understanding of why this workout helps. To locate it, sit down
оп the toilet with your legs spread and urinate. The Р.С. muscle
is the one you use to start and stop the flow of urine, Now that
you've found the muscle, you can exercise it—without having to
piss to do so.

You exercise the P.C. simply by contracting it according to the
following variations.

1. —which are rapid and rhythmic.

2. Holds—which are maximum contractions held for ten sec-
onds or so, then relaxed for ten seconds, then repeated. Work
yourself up to the point where you're а P.C. heavyweight. Note
any benefits; if the P.C. exercise works, you'll be sure to keep it
up. And share this information with female friends: P.C. work-
outs also increase orgasms for women.

BREAKING UP

here's only one rule here, but as much gloss as you like:

The rule. When it’s over, it’s over.

The gloss Your desperate attempts to patch things up—
especially if you've been dumped—will make you look even
more pathetic to your estranged honey and to everyone

else.

‘The more effort you put into trying to unbreak a breakup, the
more unlikely is the possibility ofa reunion.

Ifyou do manage to get back together, you'll find that the rela-
tionship has been fatally wounded, and it won't be long before
you'll break up again

If you do persuade her to give it another shot, she'll hate you
for making her do something she doesn't want to do.

The comfort. The chances are about 50-50 that if you let it go,
she'll call you sometime within five years, and you'll discover
you don’t want the relationship anymore.

A reminder. Three months after you've split, you'll find your-
self thinking you want her back. You'll be wrong.

PLAYBOY

174

channel «.0-+-r-1:n:6

(continued from page 136)

“Мари bursts to life like Ed McMahon doing Yoda. ‘Tt
is, indeed, a glorious thing to be here in your time! ?

I dimly recall a plastic lint remover and the
sensation that Ted Koppel was watching
те from my TV. Now Гиз faced with the
threat that some ex-Pharaoh will root out
worse truths.

Of course, the average person will say to
himself, “None of this can be real.” And

appearance, apparently, is to greet arrivees
at the opening of her monstro $625-a-head
six-day human-sexuality retreat, What а
thrill!

Torres, of course, doesn’t show. Which
leaves me, drenched in rent-a-car sweat
and dazed with anticipation, more or less at
ls here in the desert moonlight, But
that’s OK. There аге no accidents. (I’ve
decided to try out this world view while
doing this piece, just as а nutty break from
my meat-and-potatoes “Life is hell.”)
What's meant to happen is that ГИ hang
out at the Mentalphysics sign-in office,
meet a couple of hard-core Mafu fans and
snag some valuable testimony. Which is
what docs happen! It’s almost spooky.

“Mafu gets right in your face. It’s
intense,” chuckles one friendly attendee,
а real perfect-teeth-and-triathlon guy—it
turns out he’s appeared in commercials

and soaps (Capitol and As the World Turns).
Like lots of those here at the institute,
Michael Doven seems to have attended just
about all of Mafu’s recent events, trai
the zesty entity from retreats and intensives
as far afield as Colorado, Seattle and Peru.

“He'll say," Doven continues, “ "Would
you lay with an overweight woman?” No
matter what you answer, he knows the
truth. And when it comes out, all the over-
weight women in the room are mad.”

Good God!

“There's no point lying” —big daytime-
drama grin—“Mafu knows. I mean, he
knows what shirt you were wearing last
Tuesday. He knows what you did two
nights ago!”

Nobody ever said inner growth was easy.
But even now, that first flush of panic is as
vivid as heat rash. What spooks me is that
I can’t remember what I did two nights ago!

“Well, it does say “Serve at room temperature." "

yet—here’s the crux, the quaking nub, the
unspeakable, hell-freighted hypothesis any
sane neurotic has to lug like a ball and
chain to channel land: What if—what if it’s
all real?

Next morning, about 50 pairs of shoes
are lined up, like good little soldiers, out-
side the Mentalphysics meditation center.
At first, dulled by sleep deprivation and all-
round angst, your correspondent thinks
maybe the impossible has happened: The
whole group's gone nonphysical, except for
their Reeboks. Turns out, though, the
socks-only retreatees are already inside,
awaiting Mafu's rescheduled arrival. He's.
duc in at ten.

Inside, giant ferns flank a sort of Nau-
gahyde throne on the flowered platform.
A pair of purple pyramids sway languidly,
dangling on gold wire from the sanctuary
ceiling. The assembled seekers might have
been scooped up and teleported irom a
Donahue audience. A wholesome bunch.

Promptly at ten—here’s Penny! And
she’s Elayne Boosler’s little si Or could
be. Torres comes on like a lipstick-and-
eye-linered, Letterman-ready comedienne.
She's got enough blonde hair to stuff а
whoopee cushion, and a killer delivery.

“My niece, I found out last time, is, like,
a major virgin.” Big laugh.

She works the room, peppering regulars.
"You might not want to sit next to your
mother during this one,” she kids an Opie-
esque 17-year-old lad wedged between his
folks. “Have you had sex?” she asks the
squirming youngster. *No, don't tell me!
We'll get Mafu to get it out of you.”

Before this morning's big draw emerges,
there's а Malu-pronouncement update.
One bit of news is the intergalactic AIDS.
quarantine. Seems our off-planetary neigh-
bors, skittish as preschooler parents with
an HIV-pos. child in their day-care center,
have gotten together to keep carthlings
from spreading our killer virus. This
explains, among other the Chal-
lenger disaster. It wasn't those frosty
booster seals after all. It was the Astral
Command, cracking down on interstellar
immigrants. (If Morton Thiokol attorneys
can get that in a deposition, it'll save the
company zillions in settlements.)

At last, Penny settles on her Naugahyde,
sits back and prepares to transmogrily.
Mild rocking gives way to twitches. Then
come shudders, a wrenching, tortured
groan and —mirabile dictu! —it's not Penny
anymore. It's Mafu, who bursts to life like
Ed McMahon doing Yoda. “Itis, indeed, a
glorious thing to be here in your

Other channels stay put on their thrones,
squinch-cycd and sedentary. But Mafu fol-
lows, quite literally, in Ramtha’s footsteps.
He pops up and manipulates his hostess’

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PLAYBOY

haunches around the room in a flat-footed,
ALFlike waddle to greet his regulars.

The spirit wastes little time before wad-
ing into heavy water. “A state of marriage
can be a tation. What if you desire to
lay with someone else?”

Mafu pauses, nostril to nostril with a
pretty middle-aged lady, who manages to
smile sweetly at the assault: “You're famil-
iar with this, aren't you?”

“Do you want me to answer right now?"

“No, why don’t we wait for another life-
time?”

Ouch! In another seat, a nervous, preg-
nant young woman weeps over whether or
not to abort. Across the room, the sheepish
dad, in the company of another young
woman, is told, in effect, that he’s at the
counter ashing for another life if he doesn't
shape up. (If we're really good, эсс, we
won't have to come back; we can ditch this
mortal coil and groove out as pure energy,
like guess who?) The tone's pesky but
affectionate: Joe Pyne come back to life as a
cross-dressing Kreskin, hosting The Newly-
wed Game.

Mafu punctuates his most scathing
queries with a hearty it’s-all-a-joke
chuckle. But still, when he shuffles his way
near my row, clomping ever closer, I leave
so much sweat on my seat back, I’m afraid
irll peel off when I leap up and run scream-
ing out into the desert, to die among cacti,
too plagued by Ted Koppel shame to get
even: Mafu’s term for attaining perfect no-
beans-left-to-spillness.

Mafu pauses, swings my way, but—

maybe he can read minds; maybe he's mer-
ciful—shuffles on by toward a handsome,
familiar-looking fellow in the first row. Pm
so relieved that I can't even remember how
many Valiums I've gobbled.

Back in the marital tug of wars, Mafu
stops short by this swarthy looker, who, it
turns out, is Andrew Rubin, star of Police
Academy and the late, lamented Joe Bash
show, among other things.

“Hector, how do you like laying with my
woman?" Mafu wonders. The drift's a little
unclear at first —until it turns out Hector is
how Mafu pronounces actor, and Andrew
is Penny’s fiancé. (At the same time, trick-
ily enough, she’s Mafu’s “woman,” which
makes it that much more high-impact when
М. asks А. what he'll do if he feels desire for
another woman when he's married to P.)

In all honesty, Г probably implode if
the gal of my dreams turned into a chuck-
ling dead man and began to grill me on
true-love dos and don'ts. But Andrew, to
his credit, is as cool as a cuke. Maybe this
happens all the time around their house.
And why not? The half-hour-comedy
potential's endless. / Married. Mafu!—
about a guy who never knows when the
little lady will twitch out and re-emerge,
her perky self possessed by a crusty-but-
lovable ascended master. "Hector!"

“Don't judge yourself; you're all God" is
Mafu’s message. It's like the opposite of
est. First you find out all the reasons you're
an asshole. Then you find out there's no
such thing as an asshole, anyway! So go
ahead and love your funky se

"Well, I'll do what I can, Mr. Vice-President, but
just to satisfy my own curiosity, what on earth did you
do with the pair God gave you?”

Hats off to those brave channel fans who
can handle the program! Personally, I'm
back on highway 62 before I crack and con-
fess to spanking а WAG.

Happily, on just about any night here in
the psychic hub of the universe, there's
enough channel action to make Edgar
Cayce want to reincarnate and lease а

i. L.A’s so hopping, benevolent
us seekers are less
likely to go trekking through Nepal than
through the San Fernando Valley. The only
way to keep track—unless you're already
psychic—is to snap up a copy of the move-
ment’s New Awareness bible, The Con-
scious Connection. Tellingly enough, its
founder, Susan Levin, used to run the sin-
gles connection, Mix and Match.
explains Levin, now a pillar of the L.A.
spiritual community, “1 got tired ofthe des-
peration.”

Exactly! Here in the Tainted Semen Era,
smart singles are looking to get intimate
with nonphysical beings
that guy-n'-gal stuff. Thus far, nobody's
even caught athlete’s foot from a formless
let alone the killer sex plague
Teat Even the brief-
igh-colonic and

est ri through Lev
“color energ Is a smorgas-
bord of other-world get-togethers. You've
got Pele, Hawaiian volcano goddess.
You've got Bell-Bell from Atlantis. You've.
got Merlin and St. Germain. You've got
Raydia from pass thc Pleiades. Li Sung, Dr.
Peebles, Master Ho, Zoroaster, Zamar and
Moe Howard. Гуе caught them all. Or
almost. (1 made up Мос, but only because
I have this feeling that when | start chan-
ncling, that's who's going to take over.)
For weeks, I attended a channel an
evening, not to mention those “privates.”
Grim but truc. One more jolt of psychic
cnergy and my offspring will be born with a.
сус.
Take Darryl Anka's Bashar, from the
sassani. Darryl, a special-eflects
ig, distributes his own videos
and holds O. Thursday-night chann
ings at the Encino Women’s Club. The day
after we caught him, he was offto break still

new frontiers—to channel in Japan. The
may have invented ancestor worship, but it
takes good ol’ American know-how toshow

them how to get in touch with their dead-
and-goners.

For once, they can't cop the technology
and sell it back to us, either. There isn't.
any. Unless you count crystals. Every trend
generates its own peculiar paraphernalia.
And the same chest-haired hepsters who
once dangled coke spoons around their
necks are now likely to be dangling ame-
thysts instead. Not ‘cause they're trying to
be hip —no!— but "cause they want tomag-
nily their energy field.

Young Darryl, a compact, goateed Са-
nadian in this incamation, docs not
seem to require mineral assistance. He's
empowered enough in unadorned jeans
and a snug muscle T. Before Darryl can
relax up front and bcam in Bashar, his

roadies have to set up the vid-cam, check
the P.A., make sure tapes and transcripts of
channels past are on display by the door
where seckers drop their $12 admission on
the way in, Which gives Valley spiritualists
time to browse among the twinkly display

The biggest table belongs to Dr. Shawn
Shelton, a ish, blonde lovely in tight
stone-washed jeans and enough lip gloss
to lubricate a submarine. “The magic of
crystals can create a more beautiful and
powerful you.” according to the doctor's
testimony. Better still, her mile-long array
offers stones for specific psychoemotional
hankers. Such as aventurine the money-
and-business crystal? Or Apache-tear
obsidian —“perfect for immediately trans-
forming worry, fear and anxiety.”

By the time
Bashar's manager,
big Steve Muro,

starts his warm-up.
spiel, dozens of true
believers arc already
clutching their crys-
tals. A few rest them
on their heads.
Others simply roll
the wonder nuggets
back and forth
between their fin-
gers, like Captain
Quceg in The Caine
Mutiny. “Uri Geller
was on Good Morn-
ing America,” says

Muro, Shirley
MacLaine has her
own miniseries,

Whitley Strieber” —
author of the
extraterrestrial best
seller Communion —

“was on Johnny
Carson. The New
Age is approach-
ing!”

Yeah! The Сот-

munion deal means
a lot to В:
See, their епу?
not a past-lifer, he's
an alien. From the
planet — Essassani.
Apparently, several
years ago, Darryl spotted a craft (insiders
never call them spaceships) over greater
Los Angeles. That sighting triggered the
memory of his real mission аз an carthling:
10 get the rest of us ready for the shift to
Fourth Density, last stop on the physical
plane before entering Pure Lightville. АЙ
of which, just so you have time to pack the
Polaroid, should start happening 26 years
from now. For the record, Bashar's breed
are already Fourth Density, going on Fifth.
Essassanites "average five fect of your
height, with gray skin coloration with wide
upturned eyes. . . . Males have no hair
Women have white Auf.” Гуе seen similar
creatures grubbing for Burger King buns in
Times Square subway bins, but draw vour

own conclusions.

By way of transition, the alien of the hour
breaks into a heavy catarrh, a loud hack
and swallow on his way from being Darryl
to being Bashar. It’s not really appetizing.
But maybe, on Essassani, postnasal drip is
a sign of welcome—like vomiting in Aus-
tralia

“АП right, ГИ sav, and how are you all
this evening of your time as you create time

That's how Essassanites speak English
shar pronounces world “wurrl-ed” and
doles out tureens of ethereal data before
breaking for no-nonsense Q. and А. with
the cager Valley metaphysicians lined up
along the women’s-club wall. This is ser
ous biz. Beyond your standard “Is some-

8years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky:

thing in my past life holding up my cable
deal?” queries, Bashar tackles some arcane
inquiries. One little bald fellow, when told
that killer whales are the “samurais and
sorcerers of the sea,” asks if dolphins have
mulüple-point consciousness.” “Yes,”
Bashar replies, “and so do you.” Who'd
ever have guessed?

At half time, actor Allen Garfield, who
starred as the tempetuous new police chief
in Beverly Hills Cop И, abandons Dr.
Shawn’s crystal emporium long enough to
explain what's brought him back to Bashar
three weeks in а row. “From a purely enter-
tainment value, ivs fabulous," gushes
Garfield, looking svelte and elegant. “The
guy sounds like a Valley version of Yul

Brynner in The King and 1. But he says
some great things. Every time I come, I
drive home thinking, I just spent three
hours with some fucking entity from some
fucking spaceship who looks like he works
in the post office. And what he’s saving
fuses with things going on in my own life.”
Here the actor's actor pauses, his face
aglow with ethereal glee

“Besides, 1 love seeing Shawn. A lot of
gorgeous chicks come to these things.”

Dr. Peebles, the departed Scotsman
channeled by affable Thomas Jacobson, is
actually the same entity channeled by the
Reverend William Rainan, Tom's psychic
structor. That happens a lot. “John,” for
mple, speaks through Kevin Ryerson
and Gerry Bowman.
But it's OK. "That's
one of the sweet
things about the
movement. Chan-
nels, by and large,
hold the same atti-
tude about spirits as
Eskimos do about
their wives: They
don't mind sharing,

Tom shows upina
crew-neck patterned
Sweater, wool pants

and wafer-soled
Italian shoes—the
weekend C.E.O.

look. Right off, he
helps а roomful of
well-groomed white
people groove out on
a guided meditation,
employing the same
Hobbity visuals
aging hippies started
ainting on the sides
of vans in the mid-
Seventies. The uni-
corn-and-white-light
feel favored by
Gilbert Williams,
the premiere New
Age artist, repre-
sented by Jach
Pursel at his thriving
Hluminariam gal-
lerics. (Jach, the one
channel who eschews the Eskimo share-
the-spirit approach, opens every video with
a caveat emplor: Anybody else claiming to
speak as Lazaris is a fake. It's that simple.
Jach’s also the only channel flush enough to
open up a très-glam art gallery at Number
One Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. There
are, it becomes more and more obvious, no
accidents.)
"You're loony,” the dead cutup tells an
carnest gent who insists he's being con-
tacted by a spirit named Philip. “Only
teasing,” adds Peebles. "I'm only using
some of the earth humor Гуе heard di-
rected toward me."
"The heart of the affair, as is once more
the case, are the questions. Your dancers,

PLAYBOY

178

your scribes, your aspiring Jerry Bruck-
heimers—all crave the kind of insider info
that, weirdly enough, they're confident а
man who lived centuries before step deals
were even invented can somehow dish out.

“Pve been working on a script," an-
nounces a chunky but sweet first-time
writer in the back. “I’ve just left my job.
I'm about to finish, and I feel a lot of fear.”

“Well,” ad-libs the enlightened sage,
“all you have to do is make the spirit the
star of the script."

What а kook! And the wacky patter's
enhanced by the fact that Tom himself
bears an uncanny resemblance to lounge
legend Shecky Greene.

‘After the yoks, Dr. P. proceeds to more
nuts-and-bolts material. “Names and titles
are important," he points out in that ro-
guish burr, eyes shut, hands webbed upon
his sloping belly. “If you don't feel a little
nasty, you're not going far cnough. You
have wonderful humor, but be a little more
black. Without apology."

When Miss Screenwriter finally men-
tions the name of her opus— Chances Are—
Peebles makes no bones about his reaction.
“Change the title, for goodness’ sake! The
public will respon

This is priceless advice. Considering my
own agent, whose general response to just
about anything is “See if Taco Bell is hir-
ing,” you can't help but love the guflawing
master’s М.О.

б
Now, though, it's time to talk privates,
For fivc years, twice a weck, Гус been

shelling ош $50 pop to hit the couch at my
analyst’s, Dr. Housebomb. Just trying to
geta handle on things. And now, for a com-
parable fee ($50 to $300—but you don't
meet as often), Гус had the privilege of
sampling the kind of consultation only a
quality trance channel can provide. And let
me tell you, as therapists, your channels
supply bushels morc Big Insights рег
depression-fighting dollar. Not to mention
the bonus entertainment value.

“People don't have time for traditional

therapy anymore" is how Margo Chan-

ісу, Ph.D., explains it. “A channel session
is like an accelerated psychoanalysis. It’s
quicker, This is what we need.”

And not just because we're a bunch of
go-go moderns, cither. The whole universe
is accelerating. Time's speeding up. Ac-
cording to Dr. Chandley (she snagged her
doctorate studying 13 top-drawer practi-
tioners), the last days of our millen mare
а time when the planet itselfis revving up
for a leap in consciousness. That's why all
these enlightened beings are popping up in
the first place.

Dr. Margo's theory is that Mavans were

fted at levitation on account of their

pincal glands, which were jumbo compared
with Homo moderno’s, which are as with-
cred in disuse as a Tyrannosaurus” arms.

How do you think the Mayans built those

hefiy pyramids? Surely пог by hand. No,

sir, the denizens of Olde Mexico had
plainly mastered tel

lvs the same with Atlantis. And I ought
to know—/ was there. Lazaris told me per-
sonally.

Тт serious. Jach was gracious enough to
grant yours truly a one-on-one with the Big
Guy at the L.A.X. Hilton. To his credit,
J-P. still charges a modest $53 per private,
easily the low end of the nonincarnate con-
sultation scale. Mafu, by contrast, charges
two C notes. And most middle-of-the-road
energies bill at least $100.

Pursel and 1 sharc a Diet Pepsi; then Laz
arrives and tells me I had а key lifetime
back on Atlantis, round about 11,300 вс
"The scene: Dad was a wealthy banker, and.
I wrote wful epic ballads. I was, near
as I can make out, a sort of gradc-D Rod
McKuen. My poetry was so bad I was di
owned. I became an outcast and dicd
broke. Until—scant consolation—decades
after I checked out, my work was rediscov-
cred and used as propaganda by the reign-
ing fascist administration. The regime that
revered me eventually destroyed the entire
civilization. Which may, 1 suppose, mean
that the batch of light verse I'm currently
preparing will be critically lambasted, then
end up quoted extensively in Sly Stallone’s
2004 Presidential Inauguration speech.
When, thankfully. ГИ already be dead.

Unlike your ho-hum, poky analysts—
such as Housebomb—Lazaris will occa-
sionally toss out a hot stock-markct tip. [Us
nice, The spirit (considered by many the
most avant entity in the cosmos) tailors
cach tip to his client’s particular psychic
make-up. Says the loving and rotund
Lazaris with a smile, “We would tell you,
because of your temperament, hold on to
blue chips.”

"The ancient-scribe motif is also picked
up by Gerry Bowman. He channels “John”
on the Out of the Ordinary Show, America’s
first radio call-in formless-energy program.

If Jach Pursel is the Pat Boone of trance
dom, Gerry Bowman's the flat-out El
He holds privates in a converted garage
behind his funky, ramshackle house
Altadena.

It's kind of a blue-collar feel. Bowman is
wire-thin, with ropy veins down his arms, a
droopy mustache and a tattoo of an cagle
clutching а U. bannergracing his right
wrist. Before deciding “to take the spook
the road,” our man was a Boston mechanic,

a Vietnam vet and a window-and-door
contractor.
Among non-Yup aficionados (your

BMW clones tend to go in for Laz), Bow-
man’s considered the purest energy helping
us out right now. Word is, when John shows
up, there’s not much of Gerry left to pollute
the spirit’s vibe. Meaning, when this cow-
boy leaves his body, he leaves his body. In
fact, Gerry confided that he can channel
John’s energy only eight or nine times а
week. (Compared to the dozens of sessions
your standard professions take on.) More
than that, he confesses, and he starts doing
“the Thorazine shule.” There are, need-
у, easier ways to make a living.
Intense strain does not begin to capture

the throes Bowman goes through to let in
John. First off, he stubs out a pre-out-of-
body cigarette. Then, for a moment, he
stays inhumanly sull, staring at an Egyp-
tian print on the wall—the eye of Horus.
Inanimate as stone, he suddenly pitches
forward, flushing scarlet, and begins to
shiver, the veins in his throat pulsing like a
hanged man’s. At last, jerked back upright,
he closes his eyes. By now, the twitching
has gripped him all over. Organic clec-
troshock, inches from my own incredulous
self. If there’s such a thing as a contact
heart attack, I'm a likely candidate.

I've said it before, but under the cir-
cumstances, it’s worth repeating: After a
minute or two, anything seems normal. And
sure enough, in no time, I'm used to this
уйга! a Ban-Lon shirt, kncc-
сср in another twisted-scribbler saga.
This time, Pm a malcontent scribe with
prophetic powers. In ancient Egypt. Even
then, I secm to have, um, “problems with
relationships with the opposite sex.”

But that's OK. Three hundred fifty light-
years from now, John says ГИ come back as
à "gascous state on the planet Elgon" and
finally find happiness as a fume.

Of course, your conventional, West
57th-type wisdom might dismiss ch:
neling as a “sel£love, Yuppie religion.”
But that’s way off. Channel infatuation
isn’t about selfishness or status. It's about
raw, steaming, bodily-fluid-friendly sexual
pleasure. The kind nobody has anymore.

My most memorable privates—with
Sherman Oaks’ hugely popular Natalie
Wood look-alike Taryn Krivé and North
Hollywood's sultry-but-spiritual Shawn
Randall, whose channel classes have
inspired some top entities in the biz—left
me with a warm glow. They were, you might
say, models of The New Intimacy. The

In the old days, you could have scx and
not connect. As the Eighties climax, all
that’s lefi is connecting. Which is what
Taryn and I did, separated only by a floral-
nt FV tray in her private channel room.

о begin, Taryn rubs a chunk of purple
crystal along the length of her torso. The
former legal secretary starts at the crown of
her brunette shag. She cases the charged-
up mineral between her Bambi eyes,
between her breasts, due south to her flat
and seductive tummy. She opens chakras
onc through seven and slides the electro-
magnetic silica back up to her pretty skull.

Actual touching at this point would be as
inappropriate as martinis. What 1 the
dient do is wait for the spirits to arrive, so
we can abandon the pesky physical realm
altogether and get down to business.

For $100, it’s just us, all alone in this cozy
salon. “You and I knew cach other in
Lemuria,” Hopi spirit Barking Tree reveals
through Krivé, “I was married. We had a
relationship that was very close.”

Well, gosh. Is it getting warm in here? 1
hardly know this creature, and she’s telling
me what а really deep female I was way

179

“Oops. Гт afraid I'm at the wrong party.”

PLAYBOY

180

back when. I mean, you could sleep with
somebody dozens of times and she'd never
dream you were once a Lemurian bache-
lorette. But get down with a channel and
without so much as a smooch, you’re
totally exposed.

“You had a lifetime їп Alaska, and you
were what is called Eskimo. In that life-
time, I was not in physical form, but I was
опе of your spirit guides."

Oooh, yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, the
unconditional love floating over me at this
moment is more than I can adequately con-
vey. Just being here with Barking Tree, now
letting me know that in my Eskimo mode, I
“had a limp and a tendency to hidc"—just
sharing such intimacy with this caring and
adorable woman generates that lifc-affirm-
ing, warm glow deep down inside of me.

Somchow, in retrospect, it all seems
weirdly inevitable. Here at the dawn of the
New Age, sex has been bounced by hands-
off, soul-to-soul communion. Any day now,
we'll be formless, anyway. Today’s channel
hoppers are simply boning up for the big
transition.

Despite this new-found enlightenment,
my excitement at meeting Shawn Randall,
legendary channel instructress and vessel
for ascended entity Torah, is shamelessly
crude. In her prcholiness mode, Randall
wrote screenplays. And it just so happens
she co-penned onc of my all-time favorite
cinema gems: Pia Zadora's The Lonely La-
dy. The prospect of communing with the
woman who put words in Pia’s lips is just
too thrilling. I can’t imagine morc total ful-
fillment.

Once Lady's author enters her trance
and admits Torah, she gives me the low-
down on my life asan alienated crystal wiz-
ard back on Atlantis. That existence, 1
embraced psychic powers at 45 and died а
bemused seer decades later. Past life-wise,

it’s not too shabby. Compared with some of

the karmic pit stops I’ve slimed through,
this one sounds like а jaunt at Club Med.
But even this info is not what makes ourscs-
sion so special.

Beyond all the channeled specifics, what
really sends me are the dynamics of the

HOE

AND Now BACK TO OUR Movie.
FEATURE," ТТ5 A WONDERFUL LIFE."

affair. Shawn greets me at the door of her
beige condo with her blouse open down to
her navel. Our eyes lock and a wave of de-
sire suffuses my loftier urges. We instantly
give in to retro, animal drives that are big-
ger than both of us. And then —

I'm lying, of course. I don’t even know if
Pia’s scribe knew she was baring more than
her soul. It’s just that even an inadvertent
breast exposure sets a tone. Especially if
there are no accidents.

By the time our session gets under way,
my fantasy's already fading. The accom-
plished, beautiful channel sits at her end of
the couch, transformed into Torah. The
squirmy seeker sits at the other end, all
keyed up for some cosmic oneness.

What, really, is left to say? Moments pass
in heayenly communion. Torah tells me she
and I both lived in Lemuria, that long-
defunct continent in the Pacific, and lets me
know she fought in the Crusades. I have no
idea what it means. All I know is, after a
passel of revealing details, it’s white light
a-go-go. Torah explains everything.

“Sensuality,” she reveals, “is in reality
very spiritual. At the point of orgasm, you
are closer with your higher self than at any
other time. Total surrender to lovingness,
total surrender to sensation that overcomes
all other ills and problems of the day. This,
in a sense, is you opening to the energy.”

By now, my advisor has buttoned up.
But still, the mood lingers on. What she’s
saying is at once crotic, outrageous and
completely logical. Channeling, as you've
doubtless already guessed, is the ultimate
safe sex. Not just safe but cosmic. . . empow-
ering... divine... .

Go ahead and laugh. Now that flesh and
blood arc off limits, spirit’s the next fron-
tier. Ten years from now, you won't even
take your own body on your honeymoon.
You'll just unpack, clutch your crystal and
slip into a trance.

It's perfect! Tune in, turn on, talk true
love with the saucy godhe:

mpi

(continued fiom page 130)
ago. Lea." He looked up at me. “Do you
know Lea Thompson? We lived together
almost—shoot—five years. It got to be
that we just never were together. The time
factor. It’s just too tough after a while. Six
months apart is just too much. So we're
still great friends. But it's . .. tough.”

“T guess it’s a rough business to be in, in
that respect.”

He took a pul of his cigarette. “Yeah. It
is true . . . but everybody's got that trou-
ble, anyway. If you're together all the
time, you've got troubles, too.”

He suddenly seemed faraway, staring at
the cigarette clouds drifting around the
trailer, thinking about things he preferred
not to think about. I asked him if he were
still into boxing, and he brightened some.
When he was 18, he started to box to avoid
taking a dance class for stage movement
Неа never been much of an athlete
school—he was kicked off the football
team, which Texas high schools is all
that matters—but he found that he сх-
celled at boxing. He суеп dreamed of com-
peting in the Olympics, but he was a
middle-class white boy who lacked the
killer instinct, as he likes to say, and there
was only so much he could do, only so
many opponents he could knock to the
floor. The muscles we saw on him in Jn-
nerspace and The Big Easy, the ropes of
sinew slung across his shoulders as he
slouched in his trailer were shaped by a
dozen years of boxing.

“I broke my nose three times,” he said.
“Twice in movies. Г broke it in Tough
Enough [in which he played a boxer] and
broke it in Long Riders. It was an acci-
dent—James Keach was supposed to
miss, but on the tenth take he hit me, and
blood was spurting out like this. We kept
doing the scene, but we couldn't use it, be-
cause he had such an apologetic look on
his face. My nose went to a melon, man.

“What the game does to people, if you
keep at it, itll tag you. You know what
happens when you get knocked out? Your
brain sits in a pan of fluid. And when you
get knocked out, your brain tilts like this;
and that pan, after a while of getting hit
like that, Г.О. points start going.”

He hung up his gloves after he saw his
hero, Muhammad Ali, in a Santa Monica
gym. “Апа he was . . . sad, man. He was
slow.

“Now Pm into yoga and golf" He
laughed, then said he wasn't kidding. “It’s
embarrassing to admit that you play golf,
because the image of white shoes and
white belts and Pat Boone comes up. But
there're а lot of cool people playing golf
now. Bob Seger and I play golf. I figure, if
Bob Seger plays golf, why not me?”

The hot summer seeped relentlessly in-
to the trailer, vanqui the barely
effectual air conditioning, as we talked
about many things: his nightmarish mem-
ories of making Enemy Mine, which

dragged on forever, with fired directors,
canceled locations on fire- and hail-rav-
aged islands off the coast of Iceland and,
finally, a quick fizzle at the box office; how
doing The Right Stuff started his love affair
with flying—he even does acrobatics, snap
rolls, lazy eights; how music is nearly
important to him as acting—he has writ-
ten songs since he was 13 and has written
and performed songs for a number of pic-
tures, most recently for The Big Easy.

Finally, he was called to the set. After а
long day of waiting, he was acting, finally
getting down to business.

He wanted to take a break, have some
fun. That night and the next, we talked
about storming Sixth Street and beyond,
drinking and catching bands at Antone's
and the Black Cat Lounge. Here and
there, we'd talk and Га take notes. But ev-
night, shooting would go overtime.
Dailies from the weck before would be
screened late at night in north Austin. So
instead of bar hopping, we'd ride in a big
black limousine to the screening room,
with the windows down, the dogs wres-
tling in back, a tape of Quaid's own music
booming on the stereo and a huge grizzly
bear of a man named Jim at the wheel. By
the time the dailies were shown and dis-
cussed, Quaid would have eaten most of a
huge jalapeno-laced pizza, and then he'd
head for his place west of town to catch a
few hours of sleep before his 7:15 Ам. call.

Hc called me one night at onc лм. “Lis-
ten, where are you?"

I gave him my address, in a quiet neigh-
borhood north of the ОТ campus.

“OK. How about if I come over and we
just walk the suburban streets?"

Оп а flat black stretch of Sky View Road,
Dennis Quaid pointed out Saturn. He's an
amatcur astronomer and often looks at the
Montana sky through a telescope. I asked
him what the winking body was next to Sat-
urn, and Ве said, “I don't know. A star.”
(All right, so he's not Carl Sagan. Givc him
abrcak.) He was walking with a beer in his
palm, another cold one stuffed in the hip
pocket of his shorts. The night was cerily
quiet, except for the padding of our shocs
on the asphalt, the chorus of crickets, the
rumble of a distant trai

“Did vou do this when you were a kid?
Quaid said suddenly. “Walk up and down
the suburban walks? There’s something
very safe aboutit. I always wanted to be out
of it. I always kinda envied those guys who
grew up in the inner city of New York, who
knew the real life, because of the boredom
that goes on in the suburbs. But at this time
of night, it’s very mysterious sometimes.”

We sat on a curb across from a row of
darkened homes. Quaid popped his second
beer. The long day had dragged him down,
put some fatigue into him, and his gusto-
filled Texas baritone had dropped to a
scratchy, drawling bass.

We talked about Suspect. It’s about a
homeless man who's accused of murder
and put on trial; Quaid plays a young

Washington lobbyist who's on the jury, and
Cher is the homeless man’s public defend-
er. During the trial, Quaid becomes con-
vinced of the man’s innocence and gets
involved with both his attorney and his de-
fense. While he worked on Suspect, Quaid
became interested in the problem of the
homeless, spending the night on a grate
during the Great American Sleepout, and
he plans to perform in а concert for them
this Christmas Eve in Washington.

“Everyone in the movie is homeless,” he
said. "Including me, including Cher; we all
live separate lives. We live alone. When we
sce the places we live in, they're barren,
they’re stark. A home is two people. Don’t
you feel that way sometimes? I do. It’s a
question of loneliness.”

Tasked him if he felt that way on his huge
ranch in Montana.

You mean in paradise? Yeah, You feel it
in paradise. There’s no way in the world
you can geographic your way out of it. It's
just a part of all of us that we're going to
feel, you know? Relationships. That's what
we'rc all after. It's love, man. To really get
to know one person in your entire lile, to
really, really know one person. It seems to
be our real quest in life, to escape our own
loneliness."

We sat and sipped our beers. A light went
on in a house across the street, went back
out. “My dad died about three months ago.
And I’m just coming to terms with, uh, dy-
ing, It sounds stupid now, I guess, ‘cause
here it is one in the morning and I'm dog-
tired; I don't know what the fuck Pm talk-
in' about."

He shrugged, ran his hand through his
hair. “Losing a parent kind of gives you a
sensc of mortality. Before that, I thought of
myself as living forever, and that’s all
changed. He and I were great friends. He
was a frustrated actor all his li he used
to tap-dance around the house and do Bing
Crosby and Dean Martin impressions. He
was a really funny guy, the reason Randy
and I were both actors. There was a legend
in the family that he was in San Francisco
getting ready to ship out—he was in the
merchant marinc—and a couple of talent
scouts from Columbia approached him and
said he looked like Dana Andrews and
wanted him to do a sereen test. But he had
to ship out. Probably not true,” he said,
managing a little laugh. “But it’s a good
legend nonetheless.”

We walked back toward where the
limousine was parked. Big Jim was walk
around with Maggie and Jesse, whose tin-
kling chains were arousing the canine life of
greater Austin. I shook Quaid’s hand,
minding the stitches. He had to get going
He was making a movie in the morning,
and then he had to keep moving, working
hard, making music, diving into other lives,
making other movies. There were millions
of people sleeping through that quiet Amer-
ican night who still had no idea who Dennis

Quaid was.

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181

PLAYBOY

182

JUSTINE BATEMAN

(continued from page 121)

"In Los Angeles, you start complaining about the
tiniest little things. I like L.A.”

L once went to a wedding where there was
onc unlit candle in the middle and one
lighted candle on either side of it, repre-
senting each of those people. They each
took a candle, they lit that center candle
together and then blew their own candles
out. 1 thought that was the most asinine
thing Га ever seen, because you're blow-
which is

ing out your own y.
what attracted you to each other.

AF T ever get married, it will be at a big
party on the beach in Mexico. Why start a
marriage on a serious note?

12.
PLAYBOY: What sex acts do not constitute

13.

: Any time I gain wei
raight to the hips. But i
change that, go t0 the
that. I like everything OK 7
look in the mirror and say, “Oh, my hair
won't go anywhere 1 want it to go and I
just look like putty and
Play-Doh.” You get over it, Ги always
checking out the guitar calluses on my
finge: m the waist up, that's always
OK. І do bench presses to get it right.

14.

ravuoy: Which animals should die for
your footwear?

“You might have told him to call back another time, rather.
than ‘Hold on. ГИ be with you in a sec.”

paremas: D hate to think of it that way,
because I do have little shoes with fur on
them. Cockroaches. We should do some-
thing with cockroaches. That's one thing
we don't need. When there is a nuclear
ster and all human life is gone, cock-
aches will rule the earth. Why is that?

15.

н.лувоу: Is it true you never wear under-
wear on Family Ties?

paremas: There's nothing more annoying
than seeing panty lines on women. So |
wear panty hose on TV, but I never wear
panty hose in real life.

16.

PLAYBOY: What can't be forgiven?

BATEMAN: Destroying your trust in a per-
son. When you really trust someone and
he does something that would never enter
your mind. Like embezzlement. Some-
thing comes out of a person's mouth that
you just can't belicve. Just when you
thought you knew someone.

17.

piaynoy: What's the antidote to jealousy?
uareman: Get your own shit together.
Youll never have a problem with it if.
you're really secure and happy with your-
self. Too many pcople live their lives
according to how other people perceive
them. You start getting sucked into that
and the person you're with won't want to
be with you anymore.

18.

PLAYBOY: You haven't attended a college or
university, but you're rich enough to
endow а chair at onc. In which depart-
ment? At which institutie
BATEM It would б be in art ог
journalism. And I’m partial to the schools
that accepted me: Northwestern, NYU,
BU, Dartmouth.

19.

riavuoy: What's the worst rumor you've
heard about Hollywood?

2 rels in Los Angeles
the black plague. That if you get bit-
ten by a squirrel, you're in deep shit.

But I certainly wouldn't move. I
recently spent eight weeks in South Car
lina, and eight weeks away from home
too much. I miss traflic jams. 1 miss Win-
chell’s doughnuts. I miss smog. I miss
ng in line to get into a restaurant. In
Los Angeles, you start complaining about
the tiniest little things. I like L.A.

20.

piaynoy: Disprove the
petrated on your gende
with the punch li
BATEMAN: Why 15 six afraid of seven?
[Pauses, trying lo remember joke] Oh, yeah,
because seven eight ninc.

Have I saved the female race?

jous slander per-

Tell us a joke

z
» А -

Alive with pleasure!

cAjter all,
ij smoking isn't a pleasure,
why bother?

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

PLAYBOY

ШШ Ж ЖУУ

“If he ever found himself cornered without а gun by
enemy soldiers, he knew what to do: beg for mercy."

by one or more cnemy soldiers when
you're unarmed, I'll let you use the left jab
if you want to instcad of judo. The choice
is optional. Is that fair? Now, I think we'll
skip our judo session for today and go right.
to our game period instead. Will that Бе
OK?”

As far as Yossarian was concerned, there
was little in either the left jab or judo to
justify optimism when confronted by one
‘or more enemy soldiers in the jungle or
desert. He tried to conjure up visions of
regiments of Allied soldiers jabbing, judo-
ing and tap-dancing their way through the
enemy lines into Tokyo and Berlin to a
stately four-beat count, and the picture
was not very convincing.

Yossarian had no need of Rogoff or the
champ to tell him what to do if he ever
found himself cornered without a gun by
two or more cnemy soldiers in a jungle or
desert. He knew exactly what to do: throw
himself on his knees and beg for mercy.
Surrender was the best natural weapon he
could think of for an unarmed soldier
when confronted by onc or morc armed
enemy soldiers. It wasn't much of a
weapon, but it made more sense than left
jabbing, tap dancing or judoing.

And he had сусп less confidence in cal
thenics. The whole physical-exercise pro-
gram was supposed to toughen him for
surv: and save lives, but it couldn't
have been working very well, Yossarian
concluded, because there were so many
lives that were being lost.

In addition to exercising, tap dancing,
judo and left jabs, they played games.
They played games like baseball and bas-
ketball for about an hour every day.

Baseball was a game that was called the
great American pastime and was played
on a square infield that was called a dia-
mond. Bascball was a very patriotic and
moral game that was played with a bat, a
ball, four bases and 17 men and Yossarian,
divided up into one team of nine players
and one team of eight players and Yossari-
an. The object of the game was to hit the
ball with a bat and run around the square
of bases more often than the players on the
opposing team did. It all seemed kind of
silly to Yossarian, since all they played for
was the thrill of winning.

And all they won when they did win was
the thrill of winning

And all that winning meant was that
they had run around the square of bases
more times than а bunch of other people
had. If there was more point to all the
massive exertions involved than this,
Yossarian missed it. When he raised the
question with his teammates, they replied
that winning proved that you were better.

When he raised the question “Better at
what?” it tumed out that all you were bet-
ter at was running around a bunch of
bases. Yossarian just couldn't understand
it, and Yossarian's teammates just couldn't
understand Yossarian.

Once he had grown reasonably familiar
with the odd game of bascball, he elected
to play right field every time, since he soon
observed that the right fielder was general-
ly the player with the least amount of
work.

He never left his position. When his own
team was at bat, hc lay down on the
ground in right field with a dandelion stem.
in his mouth and attempted to establish
rapport with the right fielder on the oppos-
ing team, who kept edging farther and far-
ther away, until he was almost in center
field, as he tried to convince himself that
Yossarian was not really there in right field
with a dandelion stem in his mouth, saying
heretical things about baseball that he had
ncver heard anyone say before.

Yossarian refused to take his turn at bat.
In the first game, he had taken a turn at
bat and hit a triple. If hc hit another triple,
he would just have to run around a bunch
of bascs again, and running was no fun.

Опе day, the opposing right fielder de-
cided that baseball itself was no fun and
refused to play altogether. Instead of run-
ning after a ball that had come rolling out
to him between two infielders, he threw his
leather baseball glove as far away from
him as he could and went running in to-
ward the pitcher’s mound with his whole
body quaking.

“I don't want to play anymore," he
said, gesticulating wildly toward Yossarian
and bursting into tcars. "Unless he goes
away. He makes me feel like an imbecile
every time I go running after that stupid
baseball.”

Sometimes Yossarian would sneak away
from the baseball games at the earliest op-
portunity, leaving his team one man short.

Yossarian enjoyed playing basketball
much more than he enjoyed playing base-
ball.

Basketball was a game played with a
very large inflated ball by nine players and
Yossarian, divided up into one team of five
players and one team of four players and
Yossarian. It was not as patriotic as base-
ball, but it seemed to make a lot more
sense. Basketball consisted of throwing the
large inflated ball through a metal hoop
horizontally fastened to a wooden back-
board hung vertically high above their
heads. The team that threw the ball

through the hoop more often was the team
that won.

All the team won, though, was the same
old thrill of winning, and that didn't make
so much sense. Playing basketball made a
lot more sense than playing baseball, be-
cause throwing the ball through the hoop
was not quite as indecorous as running
around a bunch of bases and required
much less teamwork.

Yossarian enjoyed playing basketball
because it was so easy to stop. He was able
to stop the game every time simply by
throwing the ball as far away as he could
every time he got his hands on it and then
standing around doing nothing while
somebody else ran to get it.

One day, Rogoff sprinted up to Yossari-
an's basketball court during the game and
wanted to know why nine men were stand-
ing around doing nothing. Yossarian
pointed toward the tenth man, who was
chasing the ball over the horizon. He had
just thrown it away.

“Well, don't just stand there while hc
gets it,” Rogoff urged. “Do push-ups.”

Finally, Yossarian had had enough, as
much exercise, judo, left jabs, baseball and
basketball as he could stand. Maybe it all
did save lives, he concluded, but at what
exorbitant cost? At the cost of reducing hu:
man life to the level of a despicable ai
mal—of an eager beaver.

Yossarian made his decision in the
morning, and when the rest of the men fell
out for calisthenics in the afternoon, he
took his clothes off and lay down on his
bed on the second floor of his barrack.

He basked in a glow of superior accom-
plishment as he lay in a supine position in
his undershorts and T-shirt and relaxed to
the rousing, strenuous tempo of Rogoff’s
overburdened voice putting the others
through their paces just outside the build-
ing. Suddenly, Rogoff's voice ceased and
those of his two assistants took over, and
Yossarian heard his footsteps race into the
building and up the stairs. When Rogoff
charged in from the landing on the second
floor and found him bed, Yossarian
stopped smirking and began to moan.
Rogoff slowed abruptly with a look of
chastened solicitude and resumed his ap-
proach on tiptoe.

“Why aren't you out doing calisthen-
ics?” he asked curiously when he stood re-
spectfully by Yossarian’s bed.

"Im sick.”

“Why don’t you go on sick call if you're
sick?”

"I'm too sick to go on sick call. I think
it’s my appendix.”

“Should I phone for an ambulance?”

о, I don’t think зо.”

“Maybe Га better phone for an ambu-
lance. They'll put you in bed in the hospi-
tal and let you rest there all day long.”

That prospect had not occurred to

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185

Yossarian. “Please phone for an ambu-
lance."

“PI do it this very minute. I’ll—oh, my
goodness, I forgot"

Rogoff whirled himself around with a
bleat of horror and flew at top speed down
the long boards of the echoing floor to the
door at the end of the barrack and out onto
the tiny wooden balcony there.

Yossarian was intrigued and sat up over
the foot of his bed to observe what was
going on.

Rogoff jumped up and down on the
small porch, clapping his hands over his
head.

“One, two, three, four,” he began
yelling downward toward the men on the
ground, his voice struggling upward
dauntlessly into his tortured and perilous
falsetto. “One, two, three, four. Hubba,
hubba.”

“Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba,” came
back a sympathetic mass murmur from his

invisible audience below that lasted until
Rogoff raised his hand high in a formal
caricature of a traffic cop and choked it off.

“That's the way, men,” he shouted
down to them, with a clipped nod of ap-
probation. “Now we'll try some deep knee
bends. Ready? Hands on hips . . . place!”
Rogoffjammed his own hands down on
hips and, with his back and neck г
sank down vigorously into the first move-
ment of a deep knee bend. “One, two,
three, four, one, two, three, four.”

‘Then Rogoff sprang up, whirled himself
around again and flew back inside the
building toward Yossarian and zipped
right past him with a chin-up wave of en-
couragement and pounded down the
stairs. About ten minutes later, he came
pounding back up the stairs, his corrugat-
ed red face redder than a beet, zipped
right past him with a chin-up wave of en-
couragement and flew down the full length
of the building again and out onto the bal-

“This litile piggy went to market, this little piggy

stayed home. .

. This little piggy... .

cony, where he yanked the men out of their
сер knee bends, hubba-hubbaed them a
few seconds and flung them back into
straddlc jumping. He was showing signs of
the heavy strain when he returned to
n. His sparc, ropy chest was
pumping up and down convulsively in
starving panic, and fat, round drops of
sweat were shivering on his forehead.

“It will take—I ain't getting any air! It
will take the ambulance a little while to
get here,” he puffed. “They have to drive
from all the way across the field. Г still
ain't getting any air!”

“I guess I'll just have to wait,” Yossari-
an responded bravely.

Rogoff caught his breath fi "Don't
just lie there while you're waiting for the
ambulance,” he advised. “Do push-ups.”

“If he's strong enough to do push-ups,”
said one of the stretcher-bearers, when the
ambulance was there, “he's strong enough
to walk.”

“Tos the push-ups that make him strong
enough to walk,” Rogoff explained with
professional acumen.

“Im not strong enough to do push-
ups," Yossarian said, “and I’m not strong
cnough to walk,”

A strange, regretful silence fell over
Rogoff after Yossarian had been lifted onto
the stretcher and the time had come to say
farewell. There was no mistaking his sin-
cere compassion. He was genuinely sorry
for Yossarian; when Yossarian realized
that, he was genuinely sorry for Rogoff.

“Well,” Rogoff said with а gentle wave
and finally found the tactful words. "Hub-
ba, hubba.”

“Hubba, hubba to you,” Yossarian an-
swered.

“Beat it,” said the doctor at the hospital
to Yossarian.

"Huh?" said Yossarian.

“I said, “Beat it?”

“Huh?”

“Stop saying ‘Huh? so much.”

“Stop telling me to beat it.”

“You can't tell him to beat it,” а corpo-
ral there said. “There's a new order ош.”

“Huh?” said the doctor.

“We have to keep every abdominal com-
plaint under observation five days, be-
cause so many of the men haye been dying
after we make them beat it.”

“All right,” grumbled the doctor. “Put
him under observation five days and then
throw him out.”

“Don’t you want to examine him first?"
asked the corporal.

“No.”

They took Yossarian’s clothes away,
gave him pajamas and put him to bed in a
ward, where he was very happy when the
snorers were quiet, and he began to think
he might like to spend the rest of his mili-
tary career there. It seemed as sensible a
way to survive the war as any.

“Hubba, hubba,” he said to himself.

TRICKS (continued from page 109)

“He was gone—disappeared, vanished, poof—and his
tricks were scattered all over the driveway.”

back to where she was supposed to meet
him, and the Citation was gone, and he
was gone, too—disappeared, vanished,
poof—and his tricks were scattered all
over the driveway.

Hawes listened intently and then
scratched at his back. He was sunburned
and peeling. He had returned Monday
morning from a weck’s vacation in Ber-
muda and his skin was still the color of his
hair. He маз а big, redheaded man with a
white streak over the left temple, where
he'd once been slashed.

“By little tricks . .." he :

"Oh, you know, the rings and the
scarves and the balls and the bird cage—
well, all this stuff all over the place here.
Jimmy comes with the van to pick up the
boxes and the bigger stuff.”

“Jimmy?”

“Frank's apprentice. He's a Jack-of-all-
trades—drives the van to wherever we're
performing, helps us load and unload,
paints the boxes when they need it, makes
sure all the spring catches are working
properly . . . like that.”

“He dropped you both off today, did
һе?”

“Oh, yes. We drove the Citation in and
he followed in the van.”

“And helped you unload and all?”

“Same as always.”

“And stayed for the performance?”

“No, I don’t know where he went dur-
ing the performance. Probably out for a
bite to eat. He knew we'd be done here
around five, five-thirty."

“So where is he now?”
Well, I don't know. What time do you
have?"

Hawes looked at his watch.

“Five after six,” he said

“Сес, I don't know where he is," Marie
said. "He's usually very punctual.”

"What time did you get donc here?"
Hawes asked.

“Like I said, around five-fiftecn or so.”

“And you changed your clothes."

“Yes. Well, so did Frank.”

“What does he wear on stage?”

“Black tie and tails. And a top hat.”

“Апа he changed into?"

“Ts this important?”

“Very,” Hawes said.

“Then let me get it absolutely correct,”
Marie said. “He put on a pair of blue
slacks and a blue sport shirt—no pattern
on it, just the solid bluc—and blue socks
and black shoes and а... what do you call
it? Houndstooth; is that the weave? A sort
of jagged little black-and-blue weave. А
houndstooth sports jacket. No tie.”

Hawes was writing now.

“How old is your husband?” he asked.

“Thirty-four.”

“How tall is he?”
“Five-cleven.”

“Weight?”

“One-seventy.”

“Color of his hair?”

“Black.”

“Eyes?”

“Blue.”

“Does he wear glasses?”

зама

“Is he white?"

“Well, of course,” Marie said.

“Any identifying marks,
tattoos?"

“Yes, he has an appendectomy scar.
And also а meniscectomy scar."

“Whats that?” Hawes asked.

“He had a skiing accident. Tore the car-
tilage in his left knee. They removed the
cartilage—what they call the meniscus.
"There's a scar there. On his left knee.”

“How do you spell that?” Hawes asked.
“Meniscectomy?”

“I don't know,” Marie said.

“What's your address?”

“Well, PI give you Frank’s card,” she
said and dug into her shoulder bag and
came up with a sheaf of cards. She took
one from the stack and handed it to
Hawes. He scanned it quickly, wrote both
the home and the olfice numbers on his
pad and then tucked the card into the
pad's flap.

*Did you try calling home?" he asked.
Why would I do that?"

"Arc you sure he didn't go home with-
out you?"

“He never has.”

s Jimmy . . . what's his last name?"
“Brayne. B-R-A-Y-N-E.”

“Апа his address?"

“He lives with us.”

ame house?”

“A little apartment over the garage.”
“And his phone number?”

“Oh, gee,” she said, "I'm not sure I
remembe

“Well, try to remember," Hawes said,
“because I think we ought to call back
home, see if either of them maybe went
back there.”

“They wouldn't do that,” Marie said.

“Let's find a phone, OK?” Hawes said.

“There's onc inside," she said, "but
calling them won't do any good."

“Ном do you know?”

“Because Frank wouldn't have dumped
his tricks all over the driveway this way.
These tricks cost money.”

“Let's try calling them, anyway."

“И won't do any good," Marie said.
“Pm telling you.”

He dialed Sebastiani
numbers from a phone i

scars ог

home and office
side the school

and got no answer at either. Marie at last
remembered the number in the room over
the garage, and he dialed that one, too.
Nothing.

“Well,” he said, “let me get to work on
this. ГИ call you as soon as—”

“How am I going to get home?" Marie
asked.

They always asked how they were going
to get home.

“There are trains, aren't there?”

“Yes, but—”

"Il drop you off at the station.”

“What about all those tricks outside in
the driveway?”

“Maybe we can get the school custo-
dian to lock them up someplace. Till your
husband shows up.”

“What makes you think he'll show ир?”

“Well, Pm sure he’s OK. Just some
crossed signals, that’s all.”

“Pm not sure 1 want to go home
tonight,” Marie said

“Well, ma’am——”

“I think I may want to . . . could I come
to the police station with you? Could I
wait there till you hear anything about
Frank?”

“That's entirely up to you, ma’am. But
it may take a while before we—”

“And can you lend me some money?”
she asked.

He looked at her.

“For dinner?"

He kept looking at her.

*['II pay you back as soon аз... as soon
as we find Frank. Pm sorry, but Рус only
got a few dollars on me. Frank was the one
they paid; he's the one who's got all the
money.”

"How much money, ma'am?"

“Well, just enough for a hamburger or
something.”

“I meant how much money does your
husband have on him?”

“Oh. Well, we got a hundred for the
job. And he probably had a little some-
thing in his wallet; І don't know how
much."

Which lets out robbery, Hawes thought.
Although in this city, there were pcople
who'd slit your throat for a nickel. He sud-
denly wondered how much money he him-
self was carrying. This was the first time
in his entire life that a victim had asked him
for a loan.

“Pim sort of hungry myself,” he said.
“Let's find the custodian and then go get
something to cat.”

At 7:35 on a Friday night, there were a
lot of restaurants open, but Marie felt like
pizza, and so he chose a little place just
south of the avenue, on Fourth. Red-
checkered tablecloths, candles in chianti
bottles, people waiting in line for tables.
Hawes rarely pulled rank, but now he
casually mentioned to the hostess that he
wasa detective working out of the 87th and
hc hadn't had anything to cat sincc he came
on at four o'clock.

"This way, officer," the hostess said at

PLAYBOY

188

once and led them to a table ncar the
window.

As soon as the hostess was gone, Marie
said, “Docs that happen all the time?”

“Does what happen?”

“The royal treatment.”

“Sometimes,” Hawes said. “You sure
you only want pizza? There’s plenty other
stuffon the menu.”

“No, that’s what I really feel like.
Cheese and anchovies.”

“Would you like a drink?” he asked.
“гт on duty, but... .”

“Do you really honor that?”

“Oh, surc.”

“ГИ just have beer with the pizza.”

Hawes signaled to the waiter and then
ordered a large pizza with cheese and
anchovies.

“Anything to drink?” the waiter asked.

“A draft for the lady, a Coke for me.”

The waiter went off арай

“This is really very nice of you," Marie

said and reached across the table to touch
his hand briefly. A whisper touch. There
and then gone.

“I'm sure he’s OK," Hawes said.

“Pm sure.”
He wasn't at all sure.

ing something terrible

*] just keep thi
has happened to him.

He didn't want to tell her that maybe
her husband had driven off on his own,
heading for the wild blue yonder. Let the
lady enjoy her pizza and her beer. If her
husband had, in fact, abandoned her,
she'd learn it soon enough. If he was lying
dead in an alley someplace, she'd learn
that cven sooner.

He didn't bring up Jimmy Brayne agai
until after they'd been served.

She was digging into the pizza as if she
hadn't eaten for a weck. She ate the way
that woman in the Tom Jones movie ate.
Licked her lips, rolled her eyes, thrust

“Do you have any that calm men down?”

pizza into her mouth as if she were making
love to it. Come on, he thought. Strictly
business here.

“He's normally reliable, is that right?”
he said.

“Who?”

“Jimmy Brayne.”

“Oh, yes. Completely.”

“How long has he been working for
you?”

“Three months.”

“Started this July?”

“Yes. On the Fourth.”
he know where he was supposed
ick you up tonight?”

“Qh, sure. He dropped the stuff off at
the school; of course he knew."

“Is it possible he went someplace with
your husband?”

“Like where?”

“For a drink or something? While you
were changing?”

“Then why was all that stuff on the
sidewalk?"

"It's just that . . . well, both of them dis-

appearing. ..."
"Excuse me,” the waiter said.
“Officer?”

Hawes looked up.

“Officer, I hate to bother you,” the
waiter said.

“Officer, there's somebody's arm іп one
of the garbage cans out back.”

“What we have is three cards here,"
Marie said. “The асе of spades, the ace of
clubs and the асс of diamonds." She
fanned the cards out, the ace of diamonds
under the ace of spades on the left and the
ace of clubs on the right. “Now I’m going
to put these three aces face down in differ-
ent parts of the deck,” she said and started
slipping them into the deck.

Three detectives were watching her.

She had done four card tricks since
Hawes came back to the squad room with
her. He had called in to report the arm in
the garbage can. Artie Brown, Hawes's
partner, had rushed on over with Gencro.
Three pieces of a naked corpse had been
found—the upper torso and a pair of
arms. No head, no hands, no legs.

Hawes was standing closest to Marie.
He could smell her perfume. He was hop-
ing her husband had abandoned her and
run off to Hawaii. He was hoping her hus-
band would call her from Honolulu to say
he had left her. This would leave a cold,
empty space in Marie’s bed. Her proxim-
ity now was stupefyingly intoxicating.
Hawes guessed it was her perfume, Maybe
hubby and his apprentice had flown off to
Hawaii together. Maybe hubby was gay.
Hawes glanced at Maries pert little
behind as she leaned over the desk to pick
up the deck of cards. He was sorely
tempted to put his hand on her behind.

“OK, Detective Brown,” she said.
“Pick one of those three cards. Either the
ace of clubs, the ace of diamonds or the
ace of spades.”

"Clubs," Brown said.

Не was a hefty, muscular black man,
standing some 64" tall and weighing 220
pounds. Therc was a glowering look on his
face. He always looked glowering, even
when he was smiling. Brown could get an
armed robber to drop his piece just by
glowering at him.

Maric rifflcd through the deck, the
cards face up, searching for it. When she
found the ace of clubs, she pulled it out
and tossed it onto the desk.

“Where's the trick?” Genero said. “If
you're looking at the cards, of course
you're going to find them.”

“Right you are,” she said. “Which card.
do you want?"

“The ace of diamonds.”

“OK,” she said and handed him the
deck. “Find it for me.”

Genero started looking through the
deck.

“Have you found it yet?” she asked.

“Just hold on a minute, OK?” he said.

He went through the entire deck. No
ace of diamonds. He went through it a sec-
ond time. Still no ace of diamonds.

“Have you got it?" she asked.

“It isn’t here,” he said.

“Are you sure? Take another look.”

He went through the deck a third time.
Still no ace of diamonds.

“I give up; where

“Right here,” she said, grinning, and
reached into her blouse and pulled the ace
of diamonds out of her bra.

“How'd you do that?" Hawes asked.

“Maybe ГИ tell you sometime," Marie
said and winked at him.

The telephone rang. Brown picked up.

“Eighty-seventh Squad,” he said
“Detective Brown.” He listened. “ОК,”
he said. “And the name on it? Thanks,
we're rolling." He put the receiver back on
the cradle. “Let's go," he said. “We just
got ourselves the lower half. Name tag on
it this time.”

“This trick is The Mystic Prediction,"
Marie said and began shuffling cards.

“What do you mean, name tag?"
Genero asked.

“The dead man's carrying a wallet,"

“What do you mean how? In his pocket
is how.”

"I'm going to ask any one of you to
write down a three-figure number for
me," Marie said.

"You mean
Genero said.

"Unless there's a pocket sewn on his
ass," Brown said

“You mean there's pants on the lower
half of the body?”

“Whyn’t we run on over and sce for our-
selves, OK?"

"Who wants to write down three num-
bers for me?" Marie asked. “Any three
numbers.”

“And his name's in the wallet?" Genero
said.

hes wearing pants?"

“On his driver's license,” Brown said.
"Let's go.”
“So what's his name?” Genero asked.
“Frank Sebastiani," Brown said.

And Marie fainted into Hawes’s arms.

They led her inside-

The morgue stank.

She reeled back from the stench of
human gases and flesh

They walked her past a stainless-steel
table upon which the charred remains of a
burn victim’s body lay trapped in a pugil-
istic pose, as though still trying to fight off
the flames that had consume:

The four pieces of the dismembered
corpse were on another stainless-stecl
table. They were casually assembled, not
ing there on the table like
aw puzzle.

She looked down at the pieces.

"There's no question they're the same
body," medical examiner Carl Blancy

Lavender-eyed, white-smocked. Stand-
ing under the fluorescent lights, seeming
ncither to notice nor to be bothered by the
intolerable stink in the place.

The lower half of the torso was naked
now

Marie kept looking down at it.

“Would you know his blood type?”
Blancy asked.

“Yes,” Marie said. “B.”

“Well, that's what we've got here.”

“Do you recognize anything, ma'am?"
Brown asked.

“The scars,” she said.

“Would you know what kind of scars
those arc?" Blaney asked.

"The one on the belly is an appendec-
tomy scar."

Blaney nodded.

“The one on the left knee is from when
he had the cartilage removed.”
g else, ma'am?” Brown asked.

Neither Blancy nor any of the detectives
blinked. This wasn't the Meese commis-
sion standing around the pieces of а
corpse, this was a group of professionals.
trying to make positive identification.

"What about it?" Blaney asked.

“There should be a small . . . well,
beauty spot, I guess you'd call it,” Marie
5 “On the underside. Оп the
гез

Blaney lifted the corpse's limp penis in
one rubber-gloved hand. He turned it
slightly.

“This?” he asked and indicated a birth-
mark the size of a pinhead on the foreskin,
an inch or so below the glans.

"Yes," Мане said softly.

Blancy let the penis drop.

The detectives were trying to figure out
whether or not all of this added up to a
positive 1.0. Just the blood type, the scars
on belly and leg and the identifying birth-
mark on the penis.

“How tall was your husband?" Blaney

asked Marie.

“Гуе got all that here," Hawes said and
took out his notebook. Hc opened it to the
page he'd written on earlier and began
reading aloud. “Five-eleven, one-seventy,
hair black, eyes blue, appendectomy scar,
meniscectomy scar."

“If we put a head in place there,"
Blancy said, “we'd have a body some hun-
dred and eighty centimeters long. That's
just about five-cleven. And Га estimate
the weight, given the separate sections
here, at about what you've got there, а
hundred seventy, a hundred seventy-five,
in there. The hair on the arms, chest, legs
and pubic area is black—which doesn't
necessarily mean the head hair would
match it exactly, but at least it rules out a
d or anyone in the brown
itely ET

“Is this your husband, ma'am?" Brown
ked.
“That is my husband,” Maric said and
turned her head into Hawes's shoulder
and began weeping gently against his
chest.

He yanked the phone from the receiver
the moment it rang.

“Hello?” he said.
i," Marie said. She was standing on
a platform in the train station.

“Where are a he asked.

“Metro West. Im catching the ten

forty-five К

“Tough night," she said. “Any trouble
on your end?”

“Nope. They made identification, huh?
I saw it on television.”

“I was the one who made it. Where'd

you leave the Citation
“Behind an A&P near the riv
“Cause they already found it, you
know."

“Who's on the case?”
^A salt-and-pepper team. Hawes and
Brown. Big redhead, big black guy. In
case they come shopping.
“Why would they?
m saying in case. They're both dum-
mies, but you oughta be warned. They got
a bull Out . . . they asked me for
descriptions. They're gonna be watching
all the airports. What flight аге you on?
“TWA’s one twenty-nine. Leaves at
twelve-oh-five tomorrow afternoon."
“What time do you get to Frisco?”
Four forty-seven.”
“Р try you at the hotel around six-
thirty. You'll be registered as Theo
Hardeen, am I right?"
“АП the dead ones," he said
laughed. “Like Sebastian the Great.”
“Give me the number of the Hong
Kong flight арай
“United cight-oh-five. ves Frisco at
one-fifteen Sunday, gets there around
seven the next evening.”
“When will you call me?”

and

PLAYBOY

“Soon as I’m settled.”

“You think these passports'll work?"

“They cost us four hundred bucks; they
better work. Why? You running scared?”

"Nerves of steel,” she said. "You
shoulda seen me with the cops."

"There was a long silence on the line.

“Ве careful."

“Oh, yeah."

“They know what you look like.”

“Don't worry.”

Another silence.

“Maybe you oughta call me later
tonight, OK?”

“Sure.”

“Be careful,” she said again and hung
up.

She’d have to call Frank's mother as
soon as she got home, and then his sister,
and then, she guessed, some of his friends
in the business. Had to get in touch with
that detective again, find ош when she
could claim the body, arrange for some
kind of funeral; she wondered how soon
that would be. Today was Friday; she
didn't know whether or not they did
autopsies on the weekend—probably
wouldn't get around to it till Monday
morning. Maybe she could have the body
by Tuesday, But shed better call an
undertaker first thing in the morning,
make sure they could handle it. Figure a
day in the funeral home—well, two days,
she guessed—bury him on Thursday
morning. She'd have to find a cemetery
that had available plots, whatever you
called them; maybe the undertaker would
know about that. Had to have a stone cut,
100—HERE LIES FRANK SEBASTIANI, REST IN
PEACE—but that could wait; there was no
hurry about a stone.

She'd call the insurance company on

Friday morning.

Tell them her husband had been
murdered.

Make her claim.

Two hundred thousand dollars, she
thought.

Invest it at ten percent, ага bring
them $20,000 a year, more than enough to
live on like a king and queen. A maharaja
and maharani was more like it. Go to the
beach every day, have someone doing the
cleaning and the cooking, have a man pol-
ishing the car and doing the mark
vu era dean e Ner oa
wrap them, maybe get herself a little dia-
mond for her позе. Even at eight percent,
the money would bring in $16,000 a ycar.
Моге than enough.

And all they'd had to do for it was kill
him.

There were a lot of things bothering
Brown about the Sebastiani case.

The three most important things were
the head and the hands. He kept wonder-
ing where Jimmy Brayne had dropped
them.

He also wondered where Brayne was
right now.

“You think they're making it?” he asked
Hawes.

"Who?"

“Brayne and the woman.”

“Marie?”

"The possibility had never occurred to
Hawes. She had seemed so honestly
grieved by her husband's disappearance
and death. But now that Brown had men-
tioned it. .

“I mean, what I’m looking for is some
motive here," Brown said.

"The guy could've just gone berserk,
you know. Threw those tricks all over the

ourse I give them urine tests. Look at
them. Wouldn't you?"

driveway, ran off in the Citation. .

“Yeah, I'm curious about that, too,"
Brown said. “Where'd he chop up the
body, Cotton?"

“Coulda done it anywhere in the city.
Found himself a deserted street, an aban-
doned building. . . .”

“Yeah, you could do that in this city. So
he chops up the corpse, loads the pieces in
the trunk and starts dropping them all
around town. When he gets rid of the last
one, he leaves the car behind the A&P and
takes off.”

“Yeah.”

“So where’s the motive?”

“I don't know.”

“She's an attractive woman,”
said.

Hawes had noticed that.

“If she was playing house with Brayne
in that apartment over the garage. .

“Well, you’ve got no reason to believe
that, Artie.”

“I’m snowballing it, Cotton. Let's say
they had a thing going. Brayne and the
woman.”

“OK.”

“And let's say hubby tipped to it.”

“You're thinking movies or television.”

“Tm thinking real life, too. Hubby tells
Brayne to lay off; Brayne’s still hungry for
her. He chops up hubby, and him and the
woman ride off into the sunset."

“Except Brayne’s the only one who rode
off,” Hawes said. “The woman’s——”

“You think she’s home yet?” Brown

asked and looked up at the clock.
.

Brown

The house was a white clapboard build-
ing with a white picket fence around it. A
matching white clapboard garage stood
some 20 feet from the main structure. Both
buildings were оп a strect with only three
other houses on it, not too far from the
turnpike. It was two minutes past mid-
night when Hawes and Brown reached the
house.

There were no lights burning on the
ground floor of the house. Two lighted
windows showed on the second story. As
the two men walked to the front door,
their breaths plumed from their mouths.
Hawes rang the doorbell.

“Probably getting ready for bed,” he
said.

“You wish,” Brown said.

They waited.

“Give it another shot,” Brown said.

Hawes hit the bell button again.

Lights snapped on downstairs.

“Who is i?"

Marie's voice, just inside the door. А
trifle alarmed. Well, sure, midnight
already.

“It’s Detective Hawes,” he said.

“Oh.”

“Sorry to bother you so late.”

“No, that’s all . . . just a minute,

lease."

She fumbled with the lock and then
opened the door. She had been getting
ready for bed. She was wearing a long blue

robe. Laced ruff of a nightgown showing
in the V-necked opening. No slippers.

“Have you found him?" she asked at
once.

“Мо, ma'am, not yet,”
“OK for us to come in?”

“Yes, please,” she said,
and stepped back to let them in.

Small entryway, a sense of near shabbi-
ness. Worn carpeting, scarred and rickety
piece of furniture under a flaking mirror.

“I thought... when you told me who
you were . . . І thought you'd found
nmy,” she said.

"Not yet, Mrs. Sebastiani," Hawes
said. “In fact, the reason we came out
here——"

“Come in,” she said. “We don't have to
stand here in the hall.”

She backed off several paces, reached
beyond the doorjamb for a light switch. A
floor lamp came on in the living room.
Musty drapes, a faded rug, a thrifi-shop
sofa and two upholstered armchairs, an
old upright piano on the far wall. Same
sense of down-at-the-heels existence.

“Would you like some coffee or any-
thing?” she asked.

“T could use a cup,” Brown said

«РИ put some up,” she said and walked
back through the hall and through a door-
way into the kitchen.

The detectives looked around the living
room.

Framed photographs on the piano—
Sebastian the Great doing his act hither
and yon. Soiled antimacassars on the
upholstered pieces. Brown ran his finger
over the surface of an end table. Dust.
Hawes poked his forefinger into the soil of
a potted plant. Dry. The continuing sense
of a house too run down to care about—or
a house in neglect because it would soon
be abandoned.

She was back.

“Take a few minutes to boil,” she said.

“Who plays the piano?” Hawes asked.

“Frank did. A їе.”

She'd grown used to the past tense.

“Mrs. Sebastiani," Brown said, “we
were wondering if we could take a look at
Brayne's room.”

“Jimmy’s room?” she said. She seemed
a bit flustered by their presence, but that
could have been normal, two cops showing
on her doorstep at midnight.

“See if there's anything up there might
give us a Icad,” Brown said, watching her.

“PI have to find a spare key some-
place,” she said. “Jimmy had his own key;
he came and went as he pleased."

She stood stock-still in the entrance to
the living room, a thoughtful look on her
face. Hawes wondered what she was
thinking, face all screwed up like that.
Was she wondering whether or not it was
safe to show them that room? Or was she
merely trying to remember where (һе
spare key was?

Brown said.

"excuse me,"

ing to think where Frank might
have put it," she said.

A grandfather clock on the far side of.
the room began tolling the hour, eight
minutes late.

One ...two...-

They listencd to the heavy bonging.

Nine... ten... eleven . . . twelve.

“Midnight already," she said and
sighed.

“Your clock’s slow," Brown said.

“Let me check the drawer in thc
kitchen," she said. *Frank used to put a

lot of junk in that drawer.”

They followed her into the kitchen.
Dirty dishes, pots and pans stacked in the
sink. The door of the refrigerator smudged
with handprints. Telephone on the wall
near it. Small enamel-topped table, two
chairs. Worn linoleum. Only a shade on
the single window over the sink. On the
stove, the kettle began whistling.

“Help yourselves,” she said.
cups there and a jar of instant.”

She went to a drawer in the counter,
opened it. Hawes spooned instant coffee
into each of the cups, poured hot water
into them.

She turned from the drawer, handed
Brown a brass key that looked like a house
key.

The telephone rang.

She was visibly startled by its sound.

Brown picked up his coffee cup, began
sipping at it.

The telephone kept ringing.

She went to the wall near the refrigera-
tor, lifted the receiver from its hook.

“Oh, hello, Dolores,” she said at once.
“No, not yet; I'm down in the kitchen,”
she 5; and listened. “There are two
detectives with me,” she said. “No, that’s
all right, Dolores.” She listened again.

“They want to look at the garage ко)
Listening again. “I don't know yet," she
said. “Well, they . . . they have to do an
autopsy first.” More listening. “Yes, ГИ
see you soon. "Bye, Dolores."

She put the receiver back on its hook.

“My sister-in-law,” she said.

“Taking it hard, I'll bet," Hawes said.

“They were very close.”

“Let’s check out, that room,”
said to Hawes.

“PI come over with you,” Marie said.
о need," Brown said. “It’s getting
cold outside.”

She looked at him. She seemed about to
say something more. Then she merely
nodded.

“Better get a light from the car,” Hawes
said.

“There's

Brown

The apartment over the garage was рег-
haps 12 feet wide by 20 feet long. There
was a пеайу made double bed in the room
and a dresser with a mirror over itand an
upholstered chair with a lamp behind it.
The wall surrounding the mirror was cov-

ered with pictures of naked women
snipped from men's magazines banned in
7-Eleven stores. All of the women were
blondes—like Marie Sebastiani. In the
bottom drawer of the dresser, under a
stack of Brayne's shirts, the detectives
found a pair of crotchless black panties.
The panties were a size five.

“Think they're Brayne's?" Hawes asked
dryly.

“What size you think the lady wears?”
Brown asked.

“Could be a five," Hawes said and
shrugged.

“T thought you were an expert.”

“On bras, Um an expert.”

Men’s socks, undershorts,
handkerchiefs in the other dresser drawers.
Two sports jackets, several pairs of slacks,
a suit, an overcoat and three pairs of shoes
in the single small closet. There was also a
suitcase in the closet. Nothing in it. No
indication anywhere in the apartment that
Brayne had packed and taken off in a
hurry. Even his razor and shaving cream
were still on the sink in the tiny bathroom.

A tube of lipstick was in the cabinet
over the sink.

Brown took off the top.

“Look like the lady’s shade?” he asked
Hawes. “Pretty careless if it’s her, leavin’
her 0.c.p-s i

“Her what?”

“Her open-crotch panties.”

“Oh.”

“You think she was dumb enough to be
makin’ it with him right here in this
room?"

"Let's sce what else we find," Hawes
said.

What else they found was a sheaf of let-
ters rubber-banded together. They found
the letters in a cardboard shoe box on the
top shelf of the closet. The letters were
inside lavender-colored envelopes, but
none of the envelopes had been stamped
or mailed. The name jimmy was scrawled
on the front of each envelope.

"Hand-dclivered," Hawes said.

“Mmm,” Brown said, and they began
reading the letters.

"They were written in purple ink.

The first one read:

sweaters,

Jimmy,
Just say when.
Marie

It was dated July 18.

“When did he start working for them?"
Brown asked.

“Fourth of July.”

“Fast worker, this lady," Brown said.

The second letter was dated July 21. It
described in excruciatingly passionate
detail all the things Marie and Jimmy had
done together the day before.

“This is dirty," Brown said, looking up.

"Yes," Hawes said. He was reading over
Brown’s shoulder.

There were 27 letters in all. They
chronicled a rather active sex life between

191

РЕАУВОТ

the lady and the sorcerer's apprentice,
Marie apparently having been compulsive
about jotting down everything she had
donc to Jimmy in the recent past and then
outlining everything she hadn't done
to him but that she planned to do to him.
in the foresecable future, which—if the
chronology was faithful—she had, indeed,
gotten around to doing to him.

She had done a lot of things to him.

The last letter was dated October 27,
four days before the murder and dismem-
berment of the lady’s husband. She sug-
gested in this last letter that one of the
things she wanted to do to Jimmy on Hal-
loween night was tie him to the bed in his
black-silk undershorts and spread herself
open over him in her black crotchless
panties and then——

“You see any black-silk undershorts in
the dresser there?” Brown asked.

“No,” Hawes said. “I’m reading."

“A celebration, do you think?" Brown
asked. “All this stuff she planned to do to
him on Halloween?”

“Maybe.”

“Do hubby in, chop him up in little
pieces, then come back here and have a
witches’ Sabbath.”

“Where does she call it that?"

“Call it what?"

“Witches’ Sabbath."

"Pm calling it that,” Brown said.
“Black-silk undershorts, black o.c.p.s."

“So where's Brayne?" Hawes asked. “If
they were planning a celebration. . . .

“Did you look under the bed?" Brown
asked and then turned suddenly toward
the window.

Hawes turned at exactly
moment.

An automobile had just pulled into the
driveway. It was silver-sided, with a black
hardtop—a 1979 Cadill; eville, still in
scemingly excellent condition.

The woman who got out of the Caddy
was in excellent condition herself, tall and
leggy, wearing a black-cloth coat the color
of her hair. Hawes and Brown watched
her [rom the upstairs window as she went
directly to the front door of the house
and rang the bell.

Hawcs looked at his watch.

Dolores Eisenberg was
bastiani's older sister.

Five feet ten inches tall, black hair and
bluc eyes, 38, 39 ycars old. Hugging Marie
to her when Brown and Hawes came over
from the garage. Tears in the eyes of both
womei

Marie introduced her to the cops.

Dolores seemed surprised to see them
there.

“How do you do?” she said and glanced
at Maric.

"We're sorry for your trouble," Brown
said.

An old Irish expression. Hawes won-

dered where he'd picked it up.

the same

Frank Sc-

Dolores said, “Thank you," and then
turned to Marie again. “I’m sorry it took
me so long to get here,” she said. "Max is
in Cincinnati, and I had to find a sitter.
God, waitll he hears this. He's crazy
about Frank."

“I know,” Marie said.

“Poor baby," Dolores said and hugged
her sister-in-law close again. Her arm still
around her, she looked at Brown and said,
“My mother told me you think Jimmy did
it; is that right?”

"That's a strong possibi
said and looked at Marie.

“You haven't found him, though?”

“No, not yet.”

“It’s hard to believe,” Dolores said and
shook her head. “My mother said you
have to do an autopsy. I wish you
wouldn't, really. That's really upsetting to
her."

It occurred to Brown that she did not
yet know her brother's body had been dis-
membcred. Hadn't Maric told the family?
He considered breaking the news, opted
against it.

“Well, ma’am,” he said, “an autopsy's
mandatory in any trauma death.”

“Still,” Dolores said

Brown was still looking at Marie. It had
further occurred to him that on the phone
with Dolores not an hour ago, she herself
had told her sister-in-law about the
autopsy. He tried to remember the exact
content of thc phone conversation.
Marie's end of it, anyway.

Hello, Dolores; no, not yet; I'm down in
the kitchen.

Which meant that her sister-in-law had
asked her if she was in bed or getting
ready for bed or whatever, and she'd told
her, “No, I’m down here with two detec-
tives.” Which meant that Dolores knew
there were two detectives here, so why had
she looked so surprised to find them here?

Brown decided to play it flat out.

He looked Dolores dead in the eye and
said, “Did you call here about an hour
ago?”

‘And the telephone rang.

Brown figured there had to be a God.

Because if the earlier ringing of the
phone had visibly startled Marie, this time
the ringing caused an immediate look of
panic to flash in her eyes. She turned
toward the kitchen as if it had suddenly
burst into flames, made an abortive start
ош of the entrance hall, stopped, said, “I
wonder . . ." and then looked blankly at
the detectives.

“Can't be Dolores again, can it?"
Brown said.

“What?” Dolores said, puzzled.

“Better go answer it," Brown said,

Marie hesitated.

“Want me to get it?” Brown asked.

“No, КИ... it may be my mothe:
law,” she said and headed immediately for
the kitchen, Brown right behind her.

ү,” Brown

Marie lifted the receiver from the hook.

“Hello?” she said.

And listened.

Brown kept watching her.

“It's for you," she said, sounding
relieved, and handed the receiver to him.

They were sitting in the living room
when Brown got off the phone—Marie
and her sister-in-law side by side on the
sofa, Hawes in an easy chair opposite
them.

Brown walked in, looking very solemn.

“Genero,” he said to Hawes.

“What's up?” Hawes said.

Brown tugged casually at his ear lobe
before he started talking again. Hawes
picked up the signal at once: little dog-
and-pony act on the way.

“They found the rest of the body,”
Brown said.

Marie looked at him.

“The head and the hands,” he said. “In
the river. Fm sorry, ma'am,” he sa
Dolores, “but your brother's body was dis-
membered. J hate to break it to you this
way.”

“Oh, my God!” Dolores said.

Marie was still looking at Brown.

“Guys dredging the river pulled up this
aluminum case, head and a pair of hands
in it,” he said.

Hawes was trying to catch the drift. He
kept listening intently.

“Did you know this?" Dolores asked
Maric.

Marie nodded.

“You knew he'd been . . . ?”

“Yes,” she said. “I didn’t tell Mom
because I knew what it would do to her.”

“Genero responded,” Brown said to
Hawes. "I hate to have to go over this
another time, Mrs. Sebastiani, but I won-
der if you can give me a description of
your husband again."

“T have it right here,” Hawes said. He
was beginning to catch on. He took his
notebook from the inside pocket of his
jacket, flipped through the pages. “Male,
white, thirty-four years old . . .” he said.

“That right?” Brown asked Marie.

“Yes,” she said.

“Five-cleven,” Hawes said, “опс-
seventy... .”

“Mrs. Sebastiani?"

“yes”

Eyes flashing with intelligence now.
Hawes figured she was beginning to catch
on, too. Didn't know exactly what was
coming but was bracing herself for it.
Hawes didn’t know exactly what was com-
ing, cither. But he had a hunch.

“Наш black,” he said. “Eyes —"

“Why do we have to go over this again?”
“I identified the body; you have
everything you——”

"My brothers hair was black, yes,"
Dolores said softly and patted Мане”
hand.

“Eyes blue," Hawes said.

“Blue cycs, yes,” Dolores said. “Like
mine.”

“Will I have to come into the city
again?" Marie asked. “To look at . . . at
hat they . . . they found in ће... ?”

"Mrs. Sebastiani," Brown said, "the
head we found in the river doesn't match
your husband's photograph."

Marie blinked at him

Silence.

"Then:

“Well... does... does that mean . . . ?

“It means the dead man isn’t your hus-
band,” Brown said.

“Наз someone made a mistake, then?”
Dolores asked at once. “Are you saying
my brother isn’t dead?”

“Mrs. Sebastiani,” Brown said, “would
you mind very much if I read you this
description you gave me of Jimmy
Brayne?”

“I really don’t see why we have to go
over this a hundred times,” she said. “If
you were doing your job right, you'd have
found Jimmy by now.”

Brown had already
notebook.

“White male," he read, "thirty-two
years old. Height six feet, weight a hun-
dred and seventy. . .."

“Yes,” she said impatiently.

Eyes alert now. Hawes had seen those
eyes before. Desperate eyes, trapped eyes.
Brown was closing in, and she knew it.

“Hair black, eyes brown.”

“Yes,” she said again.

“Mrs. Sebastiat
brown.”

“Yes, I just told you:

“On the head in the river. The eyes
were brown.” He turned to Dolores.
“Does your brother have an appendec-
tomy scar?” he asked.

“A what?"

taken out his

the eyes were

“Did he ever have his appendix
removed?”
“No. I don't understand what
en

“Was he ever in a skiing accident? Did
he ever tear the cartilage on his——
He never skied in his life,”

sai

She locked extremely puzzled now. She
glanced at Marie. “Marie, what is he talk-
ing about?” she asked.

“I think she knows what I’m talking
about," Brown said.

Marie said nothing.

“If the prints come up blank," Brown
said, “we've still got the head. Someone ll
identify him. Sooner or later, we'll get а
positive I.D.”

She still said nothing.

“He's Jimmy Brayne, isn’t he?” Brown
asked.

Silence.

She sat quite still, her hands folded on
the lap of her robe.

“Mrs. Sebastiani," Brown said, “would
you like to tell us where your husband is?"

“Police,” Brown said and knocked on
the door again.

Silence inside the room.

Then the sound of a window scraping
open.

"He's moving!" Hawes said.

Brown was already backing away from
the door and raising his right leg for a pis-
ton kick. Arms wide for leverage, he
looked like а football player going for the
extra point. His leg lashed out, the sole
and heel of his shoe hitting the door flat,
just about at the knob. The latch sprang,
the door swung inward, Brown following it
into the room, gun extended. Don't let
there be another gun in here, Hawes
thought.

A man in his undershorts was halfway
out the window.

""That's a long drop, mister," Brown
said.

"The man hesitated.

“Mr. Sebastian?” Hawes said.

The man still had one leg over the win-
dow sill. There was no fire escape out
there; Hawes wondered where the hell he
thought he was going.

«Му name is Theo Hardeen,” he said.

“So your wife mentioned,” Hawes said.

“My wife? I don't know what you’re
talking about.”

‘They never knew what anyone was talk-
ing about.

“Mr. Sebastiani," Hawes said, “at this
very moment, your wife is driving in from
Collinsworth with two detectives from the
Eighty-seventh Squad: ^

“I don't have any wife in —”

“They also have a chain saw in the car,”
Brown sai

“We found a chain saw in your garage,”
Hawes said.

""There's a lot of blood on the saw,"
Brown said.

“Апа a lot of blood in the garage,"
Hawes said.

“Sir, we're arresting you for the crime of
murder," Brown said and then began recl-
ing off Miranda-Escobedo. Sebastiani lis-
tened to the recitation as though he were
being lectured. He still had one leg over
the window sill.

“Mr. Sebastiani?" Hawes said. “You
want to come in off that window now?”

Sebastiani came in off the window.

“She blew it, huh?" he said.

“You both did,” Brown said.

194

People,
places, fads
and culture—
all that's
happening
coast 10 coast

ENOUGH, ALREADY

Let’s face it; time’s run out on Dennis Miller and his smirky
humor at the Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” desk.
Enough with the smug mugging; the jokes just aren’t very funny
anymore. Оша here. . . . And speaking of anchors, will Mary
Hart please weigh hers? The hostess of Entertainment Tonight
drops celebrity worship to new depths. Her swell gams are
insured for 2,000,000 bucks? She, with Johnny Carson’s cele-
brated lawyer, *Bombastic Bushkin,” actually accompanied
Johnny on his honeymoon? Each day seems to bring another
appalling bulletin in the columns. And, oh, that relentless perk-
iness: “I’ve always been perky,” she tells reporters. Climb off the
high wire, Mary, and give us a break. . . . Finally, how about
calling a halt to the trumped-up bravura of avant-garde theatri-
cal “Wunderkind” Peter Sellars, who irked so many with his
wretched excesses at Washington’s Kennedy Center. His next
likely offense: Nixon in China, opening this month at the other-
wise select Brooklyn Academy of Music. . . . Enough also about

Mark Harmon, Jim McMahon and Michael Jackson’s return.

pass the salsa

It's Spanish for sauce—and it's hot. Check it out
on Thursday nights at New York's Palladium,
where crowds of 2000 slither to the music thot
salsero Ruben Blades calls a mix of Afro-Cuban
rhythms, Brazilian samba and Colombian cum-
bias—tinged with rock 'n' roll. Or hit the action
‘on the opposite coast, home to the east L.A. band
Los Lobos and the cooking new dance club
Samba e Saudade. Cooking? Salsa is the New
Big Thing. At BMW heaven, Rebecco's in Venice,
California, have grapefruit solsa with your
grilled lobster; at Saint Estéphe in Manhattan
Becch, star-shaped tortilla chips with truffle—
pinto-bean salsa Or go to the soft-taco chain
1а Salsa, with its salsa music and зоба bars.

rock golf

Who, pray tell, is fairest on the fairway? If you
guessed heavy-metal rockers last on the list,
step up to the tee. “Next to my band,” says
Gregg Giuffria of Giuffria, “my life is golf. I
want the world to know that the game is no
longer dominated by the polyester elite.”
Apparently not. Members of Dio, Y & T,
Triumph, Uriah Неер, Judas Priest and the
raucous Mötley Crüe, to name just a few,
hauled clubs to Giuffria's first Rock & Roll
Celebrity Golf Tournament, as did mellower
musical types such as Cheap Trick and The
Eagles. One reason for the, er, heavy turnout:
With drugs passé, metal hackers can now be
awake early enough to get a decent tee time.

SS A
BEEPER
MADNESS

Remember when only doctors car-
tied beepers? Now the belted gadgets
are used by 6,500,000 people, from
C.E.O.s to club hoppers. Nearly
1,000,000 beepers are toted strictly for
their after-work advantages, since the
new pagers function as portable an-
swering machines, putting the owner
just a beep away from the action.
Beeps, in fact, are the least of it. The
newest pagers can display a caller's
phone number, transmit а 300-charac-
ter message or relay a 20-second voice
message. Within a year, they will
deliver stock-market results, and units
will be small enough to fit on wrists.
The best news is that many of these
beepers announce their messages by
vibrating or flashing a light—silently.

Marital status: Single

Stats: Weekend anchor, KNBC-TV, Los Angeles;
1987 Associoted Press Trophy for "Kids Who
Kill“; 1986 Golden Mike Award for “Disoster
over Cerritos”

Viewer testimonial: "Colleen defies the
trends among anchor women—she's not
blonde, ethnic or pregnant. When she wears
block, she's devastating.”

Trademark: A natural white streok in dork-
brown hoir

Roots: Farm reporter on Omaho's radio stotion
WOW: “1 had no idea what I was reoding. 1
figured pork bellies might translate os bacon.”
On fandom: “I get flowers ond letters oll the
time. My co-anchor likes to do newsroom read-
ings of viewers’ fontosies obout me.”

SECRET PASSION

Designer Ralph Lauren has been indulging a very private romance— with the blood-
red Italian cars that flaunt the black prancing horse of Ferrari. Crown jewel in his sta-
ble of almost two dozen Ferraris is the legendary 1963 250 СТО, valued in excess of
$1,500,000. And that's just for starters.

Lauren also owns two vintage 250 Testa Rossas, an exquisite pontoon-fendered road-
ster and a shark-nosed TR6l; there are a wine-hued 275 GTS/4 NART Spyder and two
retired Le Mans racers, a 250 LM and а P3/4. Lauren’s big, brutal 375 Plus two-seater
is flanked by two 170-mph Daytona Spyders, worth more than $500,000 each.

Lauren, who admits that he is not quite expert enough to drive the competition
cars, explains his Ferrari mania: “Му friends kidded me because I never bought art.”

boomtown

It used to be a sleepy central Florida town with lush orange groves, a tiny Quonset-hut
airport and a few mom-and-pop hotels for tourists en route to Daytona Beach. Today, the
groves are а skeletal forest, the airport is a stunning ultramodern $300,000,000 facility
and the place boasts more than 62,000 hotel and motel rooms.

Orlando is booming. Elaborate theme parks (Boardwalk and Baseball the latest,
Walt Disney World the pioneer), giant malls, upcoming film studios (Universal and Dis-
ney/MGN), a doubling-in-size convention center—all make Orlando the rage in realty.
There is 16 billion dollars sunk into development projects. Led by Harcourt Brace
Jovanovich, holf а dozen corpora- . THE BIG TEASE
tions have already moved to build

headquarters there. And an М.В.А.

fronchise is set for 1989 named,

appropriately, Orlando Magic. „

Contributors: Ken Gross, Pat Jordon, Richard
Lalich, Maury Lew, Richard Notale, Dovid
Rensin, Merrill Shindler, Bill Zehme

When Robert Englund wel-
comes you to his night-
more, he's deodly serious.
A.k.a. Freddy Krueger of A
Nightmare on Elm Street, he
has become one of the hot-
test faces on video. Now
he'll have some compony:
With the cossette release of
А Nightmare on Elm Street
3. Dream Warriors, Media.
Home Entertainment hos
shunned the trend of add-
ing а commerciol to the
tape and insteod is insert-

= ing а music video. It stors
+ heavy-metal maniocs Dok-

ken and features Freddy in
о cameo. Whot next? A
guest-vj. spot on MTV.

It's the holiday video you've
been woiting for: Peter
Clark's Christmas Tree Tips.
For o mere $19.95, Home
Services, Ltd. offers 30
minutesof insightson light-
ing ond trimming, includ-
ing where to hong ycur
balls. . .. Super VHS now
hos on accelerated-deliv-

* ery timetoble in the US.

While fewer thon 400,000
VCRs with the super-high-
resolution formot will make
it to our shores this year,
that number is expected
to jump to 4,000,000 in
1989. . . . And flat-screen
TVs may be closer thon
you think. NHK, Japan's
national broadcosting
company, recently demon-
strated а prototype of a
wall-hung 20-inch mod-
el. NHK's gool is а 50-inch
set. Look, Ma, по tubes.

ат

"Tis the season for trailers. During the Christmas crush, studios unleash
upwards of 30 films, most of their big-gun Academy Award hopefuls, and
pressure mounts on those specialists who can lure an audience with a 90-sec-
ond promo. А $100,000 90-second promo. Although studios and a few di-
rectors occasionally make their own, two companies—Kaleidoscope in
Hollywood and Gary Kanew in New York—dominate the trailer business.

“Leave an impression, give them goose bumps,” says Kanew of his strat-
- egy. “But I want less razzle-dazzle, more information." Kanew, who has
produced trailers for three of the past six best-picture Oscar winners, has two
likely holiday candidates: Steven Spielberg's Empire of the Sun and Richard
Attenborough's Cry Freedom. They’re both coming soon to a theater near you.

195

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“Bakker wants to see you again. He's willing to pay

your way anywhere to do anything.

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to go. Jim and I are going. The jet is wait-
ing. And the limo." He made a point of
mentioning the jet and the limo.

I called downstairs and asked for 3ome-
body to help me with my bags. They got
me a cab—which I paid for with my own
money—to take me to the airport. Fletch-
er had given me exactly $129 to buy a tick-
et home. I got the last seat on the plane,
near the bathroom, and spent the whole
trip thinking, Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I
am the one who did wrong. Maybe this is
God's will. Maybe I did something to
somebody.

I was crying on the plane, because con-
fusion started to set in. I thought, I am
alone; how am I going to deal with this? I
по longer had these people to depend on,
to trust.

GOLSON: What happened after you got
home?

got home Sunday morning, un-
packed, put a robe on, saw my parents. I
tried to smile, acted like everything was
fine: “I saw John and his family. It was fun
doing the telethon.”

T covered up. No way was I going to tell
my mother—or show her—what I went
through. So 1 climbed into bed and stayed
there. I was in physical pain

Sunday came and went. I was holding in
my anger, my confusion. I was wondering
again if I had gotten pregnant by Bakker.
While he was with me, Fletcher had said
that he had had a vasectomy.

GOLSON: In the tape you later made with
your legal advisor, Paul Roper, you said it
was Bakker who had had the vasectomy.
HAHN: No, the transcript was wrong. I was
worried about having Jim's baby. John
told me he’d had a vasectomy.

The next day, I went back to work at the
church. But I wasn't right—I was just all
messed up. So Tuesday night came. It was
about eight o'clock. I was in my room.
The phone rang and it was Jim Bakker. Не
said right away, “I don’t want you to tell
anybody. | don’t think that it would
benefit anybody. You would hurt a tre-
mendous number of people.”

I said, “Jim, why did you do thi

He said, “You will appreciate it. You

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will realize that I chose you. You were the
one woman, out of all the people, that I
chose.”

GOLSON: How did you respond?

HAHN: I said, “Who would I tell?”

He said, “That's good, because you re-
ally are blessed; you really are special. 1
will pray for уси.”

Then he continued, “Jessica, I just want
you to know that if this becomes public
knowledge, it will be devastating not only
to me but to my ministry, to the kingdom
of God. Millions of people will suffer. Гуе
got a lot more to lose than you do.”
SCHEER: He used those words—"T've got a
lot more to lose"? Did he mention any
money?

HAHN: Nope. Nothing.

SCHEER: Did he say he'd take care of you?
HAHN: Nope.

GOLSON: Did he ask you how you felt?
HAHN: №

SCHEER: What else did you say?

HAHN: I said, “Why did you choose me?”

He said, “Because I was able to trust
you. And I still trust you. And I trust that
you will not tell anybody.”

I said, “How do you know you can trust
me?" and he said again that he knew all
about me—where I had been, how I was
in the church my whole life and I under-
stood the importance of keeping silent. Be-
cause this was something that would just
destroy the entire kingdom of God.

Now, you have to understand my train-
ing. Since I was 14 years old, that was
what I was most scared of doing—hurting
the church, hurting others.

SCHEER: Did you tell him that you were
hurting?

HAHN: Yes. He said, “You'll get over it.
You'll appreciate it later. You did some-
thing for Jesus. You did something for
God." He also explained again how belit-
tled he fclt by his wife and how important.
a thing I had done for him. He seemed
caught up in fecling like a man.

"There was one last thing he said, where
the conversation turned. He said, “Now, I
want you to forgive me, but if certain
things come up, some things may need to
be done; I’m not sure." He was subtly
warning me that if there were any leaks, he
would have to go through channels to shut
me up.

And that’s exactly what happened. But
the leaks didn't come from me. They came
from him—a few weeks later.

SCHEER: Did anyone else call you that first
week?

HAHN: Yes. John Fletcher called me some-
time that first week, saying, “Jessica, Jim
Bakker wants to see you again. He’s will-
ing to pay your way anywhere to do any-
thing, because he enjoyed you so much.”
He said Bakker had his own jet and we
could go anywhere we wanted without be-
ing seen. 1 hung up on him.

SCHEER: When did you hear that Bakker
was leaking news about the incident?
HAHN: Within a couple of weeks, his assist-
ant—David Taggart, the guy who was

paid $600-some-thousand a year—called
me and said, “Jim Bakker confided in
mc." He also said Bakker had confessed to
a sexual encounter with a woman from
New York to his church board.

“But he is just broken,” Taggart said,
“and he does not want you to talk." 1 lis-
tened as he told me about Jim’s tre-
mendous problems,
constantly remind-
ing me of the dam-
age it would do if I
talked. That got me

angry.
GOLSON: И Bakker
was beginning to

talk to the people
around him, why
the continuing ef
forts to stifle you?
HAHN: Because of
Fletcher, who even-
tually broke with
Bakker. As the
months went on and
the PTL continued
to call Fletcher's
name came имо
their conversations
more and more.
Taggart would call
to say that Fletcher
was going to be
brought before the
board because of
these problems.
GOLSON: What other
problems?
HAHN: Alcoholism
and other stuff
They wanted to
let John go—they
didn't want him to
be connected to the
Assemblies of God,
didn't want him
preaching on TV. So
John was apparent-
ly fighting back
by dropping hints
about Bakker. You
see, John had а
plan. His plan was
to hold something
over everyone.
SCHEER: — Including
Bakker?
HAHN: Especially Bak-
ker. Because John
knew that Jim Bak-
ker had been with
me; Bakker may not
have known if John had been with me.
GOLSON: Even though the scene on the TV
telethon was of two guys sharing a secret?
HAHN: That was John taking the credit for
giving Bakker a good іс “Мс had а
good rest today, Jim.” Bakker may not
have known John came back.

So now Fletcher is obviously saying,
“Hey, you're not going to kick me ош. 1
know something you don’t know.”

That was just the beginning. John’s
campaign was just starting. He would call
me and call the PTL. Eventually, he
would even call the press about Bakker
and me—keeping his part secret.

GOLSON: As the calls continued, why
didn't you go to your pastor, Gene Profeta?
He was Fletcher's friend and had given

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him a church to preach in.
HAHN: I eventually talked to him, but he
was there to tell me that not everybody is
like that—not all prcachers агс animals.
“I can prove that," he said, “by helping
you and being there—emotionally and
spiritually.”

SCHEER: Surely, he wasn’t that calm and
collected about it.

fter he heard about it, he wanted

LIGHT, SMOOTH; MELLOW. `

to kill both of them. His immediate re-
sponse was to cry. And he is not a crier.
SCHEER: How much did you tell him?
HAHN: I told him enough. I didn’t go into
every tiny detail. Obviously, he asked
what went on, what happened. He said,
“Why didn't you tell me sooner?”

hat did you say to that?

HAHN: I said, “Be-
cause you know
John.” I didn't want
to cause chaos be-
tween them.

After I had told
him, he never again
had John back to
preach.

GOLSON: As we've
said before, Profeta,
а tough, flamboyant
man, is not every-
one's idea of a
pastor.

HAHN: Maybe, but
afier everything hap-
pened, I went to
him and he became
very protective and
we became very
close; he watched
over me. I had been
there in his church
since the time I was
l4—always doing
whatever had to be.
donc.

So now it's early
1981, and I contin-
ued to work at
church. About the
pregnancy, obvious-
ly enough time
passed. But I was
still trying to sort
out whether or not
this was God's will.
GOLSON: Wcre your
parents worried?
HAHN: Yes. I began
to lose a great deal
of weight. My par-
ents thought that 1
had anorexia. They
would make up
trays of food for me
and 1 would just
throw them away. 1
stayed in the house
when I was not
working. | didn't
care. I would come
home and go to bed
and not slecp. I was under the covers all
the time. When I went to church, I was
not the same. I was not able to worship the
way I once did. I didn’t hear the preach-
ing. I cut myself off from everything and
everybody. People would call the office
and want prayer and I would pray with
them over the phone, but I actually got to
a point where I thought, Lord, who is go-
ing to pray for me? I thought, I need help. I

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197

PLAYBOY

198

need somebody to tell me whether or not
this is the way things happen in life.
Actually, Г needed somebody to say,
“Jessica, they were wrong.”
GOISON: Did the calls from PTL continue?
HAHN: The calls were always the same.
“Please be quiet; don't talk.” Jim Bakker
did not call me anymore. He used Taggart
to call. So I finally thought а psychiatrist
might help. I couldn’t really afford him,
but I looked up one who was listed as a
“Christian psychiatrist'—you pay accord-
ing to what you make. It was $50 an hour,
which was a lot for me, but I went.
GOISON: Did you tell him about Bakker?
HAHN: No. I was working up to tell him
when I asked him, “Do you know who Jim
Bakker is?” He said, “Yeah. Гуе been on
his TV show.” I just thought, God.
SCHEER: It sounds like a Hitchcock movie.
HAHN: Well, that's how it was. My circle of
people were Christians, and anybody who
was a Christian—a born-again Chris-
tian—knew Jim Bakker.
GOISON: At some point, it began to look as
if the news would break. Later, some re-
ports said the break came from you.
HAHN: It is on the record that in 1983,
John Fletcher called a reporter in Char-
lotte, North Carolina, and said, “Remem-
ber the name Jessica Hahn, with Jim
Bakker.” He then did that over and over.
He would call PTL and do the same. This
was his way of fighting the charges against
him by the Assemblies of God.
GOISON: Were those charges made public?
HAHN: They were public among the As-
semblies of God people. The leaders dis-
cussed the charges among themselves. I
think what happened is, John began to
wonder why Jim Bakker's star should
continue rising while his was falling. Re-
member, he was intensely jealous and
competitive. And little by little, he began
to leak the story. In 1984, I had heard that
a reporter named Charley Shepard of The
Charlotte Observer had my name. I called
him because I was scared. He said he had
heard a story that Bakker was involved
with this young girl, Jessica Hahn, from
New York. He made it sound like this big
affair and like we were running all over the
place together. So, in defense, I said to
Charley, "Thats not what happened.”
And for the first time, I told an outsider
some of what happencd—the Bakker part
of the story—so that Charley could draw
his own conclusions. I didn’t add anything
Shepard didn’t have, such as the Fletcher
part. I only wanted to defend myself
against the Bakker charges. I even tried to
chicken out from that a short time later.
But that began everything.
GOISON: So Shepard had your name as
early as 1984 but didn’t reveal it until two
years later. Has he ever said why he didn’t
break the story earlier?
HAHN: He didn’t have proof. He wanted to
meet with me and set up a thing where I

would help break the story. But I didn’t
want to get involved in breaking a story—
I never did. I didn't want to work with this
reporter. If he wanted to ask me some-
thing, fine. I wouldn’t volunteer anything.
Now we're into carly '84. Richard
Dortch came on the scene. He took over
Taggart’s job of calling and saying,
“Please keep quiet.” Now, Richard
Dortch—I don't know who is worse, him
or Jim Bakker. Dortch would call me at
night—two, three times a week. He asked
to meet with me. He said things were be-
ginning to come out. So first off, Dortch
offered to move me into PTL territory, 1
guess so they could watch те.
GOLSON: What is PTL territory?
HAHN: The hotel in Heritage USA. I said

no.
SCHEER: What happened then?

HAHN: Dortch finally requested that I
meet with him in March of 84 and told me
that a woman would also be there to case
things—so that it wouldn't just be me and
Dortch in the hotel. We were going to meet
at the Holiday Inn at La Guardia Airport.
SCHEER: Why did you agree to the mecting?
HAHN: Dortch made it seem desperate. He
said, “Jessica, something’s going on; you
should know about it. I need to talk to
you." And he said that this woman, Aimee
Cortese, a board member of the PTL,
would be there, too.

1 went to the airport to meet Aimee at
the La Guardia gift shop. 1 remembered
her from my church, years belore. She
looked like a large prison warden, standing
there with her arms crossed, holding a
pocketbook. The first thing out of her
mouth was, “Why do you dress like that?”
I had on a black-and-white dress. I looked
nice. Decent, not overdone. I didn’t have
any money to be overdone. She had on a
ratty coat and looked like Miss Humble.

So we went off to meet Richard in a ho-
tel room. Richard hadn't come in yet.
Aimee sat down with me and got all
confidential. She said, “All right, Jessica,
Jim Bakker has marital problems, and be-
cause of it, he does have a problem with
women.”

Dortch came in the room. He’s got this
sugary way and started off by talking
about how the news was going to come
out. “Now, Jessica," he said, "we could
get a lawyer, but God's people don't need
lawyers. We depend on God." I finally got
mad. I said, *Richard, don't be ridiculous.
Don't start using God. We all love God,
but let's talk.”

What was on their mind was not to go to
a lawyer but to get me to sign a document.
Fletcher's story would not be believable if
I denied in vriting that anything had hap-
pened; it would be me and Bakker's word
against John’s.

“But, Richard,” I said, “Aimee tells me
that Jim Bakker has been with other wom-
en.” Aimee immediately said, “That’s not
what I said” —this is ten minutes later! “I

only said Jim Bakker is having marital
problems.”

I said, “No, Aimee. I'm not stupid. You
told me that he was having problems with
other women.”

So we went through that. Then Richard
said, “Jessica, how would you feel if Jim
Bakker took a gun and put it to his head
and shot himself?” I said, “Richard, why
would Jim Bakker do that?” He said, “Be-
cause his brother did.”

To this day, I can't find out if he had a
brother who committed suicide. Maybe
they'll turn it around and say it was a
brother in Christ, if it needs to be docu-
mented. Still, he told me Jim Bakker was
suicidal and that it was up to me whether
Jim Bakker lived or died. This is exactly
how Dortch put it. Then Aimee began
telling me that she loved me like her own
daughter —

GOLSON: Out of the blue?

HAHN: Out of the blue. She wanted to be
there to help me, to bring me through this.
Because there was something I could do
to save the ministry—“Look, you know
whats going on with PTL; we're building
hotels, we're building everything. You can
save lives, keep all that moving"—if I
agreed to sign a paper saying that Bakker
never did anything to me.

They explained that the document
would state that I came to them for
financial help and that they helped me.
They started mentioning some sums of
money—up to $30,000—which I could
have taken then, without any lawyers’ per-
centages or anything. I didn’t. But the doc-
ument was going to say that I had, in
effect, raped him.

They said they had papers like this
signed before when the ministry had been
threatened—kind of like some form letter
for people like me.

So Е said, “Look. Г have about had it
with all this.”

But Aimee said, “Jessica, you won't have
any peace if this story breaks. Just think
what it would do to your brother to
see that you were involved in this. Think
what it would do to your parents. We can
prevent this story from coming out.”

What she said about my brother Danny
started playing on my mind, so I said it was
true, I didn’t want it to come out. So—for
Danny’s sake and my family's—I was al-
most willing to do something. Aimee began
to tell me how much PTL meant to her and
how she ministered to thousands. They
went on and on—hours and hours of this.

Afterward, they left. No agreement was
made then.

GOLSON: But didn’t you say you’d begun to
weaken a bit?

HAHN: Yes, because of Danny and my
family. That's why I agreed to another
meeting, to think about it. Soanother meet-
ing was set up, and we were back and forth
on the telephone that summer.

GOLSON: Did they show you a draft of what

“Pm a romantic old traditionalist when it comes to Christmas, Miss Bishop—
holly, mistletoe, a roasting log fire, a black garter belt. .

PLAYBOY

they wanted you to sign?
HAHN: Yeah. And they wouldn't let up on
me about signing it. It was a complete lic.
id you consider getting some le-
gitimate advice? You led a sheltered life,
but surely you knew enough not to sign a
contract without having a lawyer look at it.
HAHN: But if somebody had looked at it, I
would feel like I was telling him what hap-
pened. And the whole idea was not to talk.
Besides, I didn’t have any money-
GOLSON: What were you making?

HAHN: Maybe $10,000 a year.

So throughout 1984, Dortch called to
ask me to sign the paper. “I really think
you should pray and think. . . .”” Novem-
ber rolled around. Dortch was telling me
how crazy Fletcher really was and what he
was capable of doing. In a way, he was
telling me that my life was in danger, be-
cause John Fletcher would do anything,
anything. If the story came out, I would
have to pick a side. Dortch argued ıhat
signing the paper was protection for me.
Then we could go to the authorities and
say, “This man 15 losing his mind. Here,
this paper was signed— that's the proof.”

Either way, I couldn't win. If I signed
the thing, John would find out and he
would come after me. ШТ went in the other
direction and said that Га talk, the PTL
would ruin me.

They would manipulate you and get you
to believe anything, these people. They are
trained to program you to “йо it this way
because it is in your best interest.” Thats
their skill.

GOISON: And all to prevent Bakker's repu-
tation from being tarnished?

HAHN: Right. Jim Bakker was the king. In
fact, during our telephone conversations,

Dortch never called him Jim Bakker. He
called him J.B. I would say, “Richard, say
“Jim Bakker.” And he'd reply, “I’m say-
ig J.B.” Everyone was always taping
everything. I was told, “When you call,
say you're Jennifer Leigh. Don't use the
name Jessica.” Everything was a big deal.
GOLSON: What finally happened with the
document?

HAHN: I went to the Bronx to meet with
Aimee Cortese again. It was in a tough
neighborhood, and she had two enormous
guys standing at the door.

So I went upstairs to her office. It was
the size of a bathroom stall. Tiny. Just
room enough for a desk and a person and
another person. I sat down; she handed
me an envelope with the papers and said
to me, “Jessica, sign these.”

I began arguing about what the docu-
ment claimed I did. By now I was mad,
talking back to her. I said, “What are you
getting out of it?" She said, "I'm getting
nothing but the peace of God.” I said,
“Aimee, you are full of crap! You tell me
you love me like your daughter; would you
have your daughter sign this?”

She just gave me the paper. | said,
“Aimee, I am not going to sign this." And
she said, “If you don’t sign it, the story is
going to come out. Then people are going
to look at you as this woman who slept
with two men.”

And so... I м

as stupid enough to let
her talk me into it. She did talk me into it.
And it did say rape—of Jim Bakker by
me—and it did have extortion in it,
GOLSON: Why would you ever sign such
a document, especially since you were
finally angry at these people?

HAHN: That's just it. Га been so mad, and

“Well—do you feel joyful and triumphant?”

she'd persevered so hard, I figured she had
to know something. It really was going to
break. It all was going to fall on me. Why
else would she persevere?

I found out why later: I read that she
got $60,000 as a “gift” from PTL. And she
had $10,000 for me in an envelope. As I
was about to walk away, she tossed me an
envelope that had the money in it and
said, in a tone like “Get lost,” “Get some
counseling.”

GOLSON: Why not ask for another version
of the document? Something less damag-
ing to you?

HAHN: | don’t know. There wasn’t time;
she was pushing. I screwed up. I signed
the paper. I should have thought, This is
crazy, let’s rewrite it. But the woman said,
“Гуе got to go—I'm late for a church
meeting—and you've got to sign it.”

These people are vicious. Dortch told
me he had done this before and that this
document would never, ever, ever be secn
by anyone. It was just for their personal
assurance. It was to prove to them that I
could not be the one who would leak the
story—because then I would damage my-
self. If 1 talked, they would show this. It
would let them trust mc.

SCHEER: How? This sounds complicated.
HAHN: It is. They were telling me, “We
can't protect you from Fletcher and others
who know about this story unless we have
your trust, unless we believe that you arc
completely sincere in not wanting this
story to come out. And the only way wc
can Бейсуе that 1s if you sign this. When
going to say you did a lot
of things you didn't do. Then we will know
you would not bring this story ош.” Arc
you with me so far?

SCHEER: You're locked together in a trust
ight. We're on the same side now.
Jim is not going to talk, because he has an
empire. I am not going to talk, because I
just signed a document that says I seduced
Jim. So if John starts to talk, I deny it be-
cause of the document, Jim denies it and
John's credibility is down the drain.

That was their way. Their Christian
way, the kind of games thev would play
with you. They got me to a place wherc I
would have to sacrifice myself again in or-
der Юг them to protect me.

GOLSON: When did you know how much
money you'd been given?

HAHN: When I got in the car and looked. 1
thought there might be $300— money for a
few counseling sessions. But there was
$10,000. So I went home and that night it
hit me: “What did I do? My God, I've just
committed suicide, practically."

GOLSON: What did you do?

HAHN: The next day, I called Aimee and
said, “Aimee, | changed my mind. I want
to give you this money back. And I want
that document" Shc said, "Look, lady,
you signed it. Too late. It’s being sent to
the PTL for safekeeping.” I said, “What
do you mean? It's not even nine o'clock
You couldn't possibly have mailed it. It's
in your office. I want it.” She said, "You're

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not getting
Now I couldn't get that document back.
1 had to have help. I couldn't go on like
this. The money meant nothing to mc. In
fact, I hid the money—I barely touched it.
felt like it was dirty, anyway.
GOLSON: But you kept it.
HAHN: Yes. I put it in а safe-deposit box
and I used to take a few hundred out and
get money orders and pay bills—which is
probably wrong, but I couldn't exactly put
it in the bank. I was afraid. The whole
scene was зсагу.
GOLSON: You spent the money?
HAHN: I hid the money and began using it.
Га gotten it for signing a document I
couldn't get back, but I knew it didn't
seem right. 1 am admitting that. That's
what drove me to finally get help.
SCHEER: The papers reported that the
$60,000 Aimee Cortese received may have
been PTL money laundered through the
Wedtech corporation, which has been
linked to widespread Bronx corruption.
What do you know about Wedtech?
HAHN: Nothing. I picked up a paper one
day later on and read, “JESSICA HAHN POSSI-
BLE LINK To wrpTrCH." I didn't even know
what Wedtech was. I had to call up the

Daily News reporter and ask him. I still
don't know.
SCHEER: Aimee Cortese's brother, Con-
gressman Robert Garcia of the Bronx, was
allegedly involved in the Wedtech investi-
gation. You know nothing about it?
HAHN: No. Was it Wedtech money? PTL
money? Are Wedtech and PTL somchow
linked? I can’t say. All I read was that
Aimec Cortese was paid $60,000. And that
she was supposed to use it for her church.
GOISON: You said the money and the fact
that she wouldn't give back the document
caused you to get help.
HAHN: Yes, that was Paul Roper. The
brother of my pastor, Gene, knew that
Roper had previously gone after a church
organization that allegedly was misusing
funds.
GOLSON: Where did you meet him?
HAHN: He had come to our church in Mas-
sapequa and taught. He was also some-
body who studied the Bible a lot. So I
called to say, “Paul, you have handled thi:
sort of thing before. Something's terribly
wrong here. What should [ do?” He came
to Long Island and said, “Jessica, I’m go-
ing to need to know the details.”

So we sat in an office with a recorder

"you're angering them, Carter. It doesn't work
if you anger them.”

and I told him over a two-hour period
what had happened to me, in chronologi-
cal order. My pastor was there. There was
one tape. I said, “Do not let this tape get
out.” Pm not stupid—I know there
could've been copies made. But it was an
honor thing. We didn’t put anything in
writing. I just trusted him. I didn’t realize
until later that he wasn’t an attorney, but
a law student.

GOLSON: How often did Roper stay in
touch with you after that?

HAHN: Maybe once a month by phone,
then less. Г saw him once at the signing of
the papers, then not again for two ycars.
GOLSON: Why did you make the (аре?
HAHN: То let these people know I had real
help, that I wasn't just some naive girl,
that what they'd done was serious. Е want-
ed them to know someone else knew the
details and could file a lawsuit.

GOLSON: And what, exactly, was your ob-
jective?

HAHN: To say, “We are serious. If you're
going to threaten Jessica, we're going to
follow through and press charges.” I want-
ed them to say, “Jessica, we're sorry.”

But they wouldn’t even return Paul’s
phone call. So Paul got angry and sent pa-
pers. Paul sent them the transcript and a
list of the charges we could make—which
were very heavy, heavy charges: that I was
held against my will; that I was sent across
state lines; the whole thing.

Then they woke up.

GOLSON: To whom were the papers sent?
HAHN: To PTL—Jim Bakker, Richard
Dortch. Paul had someone official deliver
them, like a summons. Dortch called and
said, “We don't hire lawyers. We do every-
thing on our own. We believe God is our
lawyer.” Then he turned right around and
hired one of the biggest attorneys in the
United States, Howard Weitzman—John
DeLorean’s attorney.

So after the PTL retained Weitzman in
California, Roper and Dortch met a few
times to discuss what would happen.
There was finally a meeting in California.

‘After they met, Paul Roper came back
to me and said, “Jessica, this is the thing:
They want to pay you.” A trust fund
would be set up—the Jessica Hahn
trust—at $150,000. This trust fund, Paul
said, would be set up to pay me for 20
years.

Paul called me and said, “Jessica, we
want to settle this and we need you to
come to California.” I flew to California.
Now, let me set the stage: I went into
Weitzman's office. Roper was present
There was Howard Weitzman, who was
Jim Bakker’s attorney. There was Scott
Furstman, who was Howard Weitzman's
assistant. And there was this retired judge,
Charles Woodmansee, who I assumed was
there to give an impartial hearing.
GOLSON: Then you were represented by а
law student against one of the toughest at-
torneys in California and his staff.

HAHN: Yes. Paul had someone else draw up

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PLAYBOY

the legal papers—and I heard later that
he was a law student, too. Anyway, we sat
down and we read the papers—and to this
day, I don’t remember what I read. Some-
thing along the lines of, for 20 years, I
couldn't talk with Bakker. And the same
went for him. It was supposed to stop any
harassment.

But I wasn't going to talk. Why would 1
talk? The PTL had no reason to shut me
up. All they needed to do was to go back to
where they started from and hush their
own people. All the people that Jim
Bakker complained and cried to were the
ones they needed to hush up, not Jessica
Hahn.

SCHEER: But the PTL didn't know that.
They thought they were dealing with this
woman whose legal advisor was threaten-
ing to suc them and cxpose them.

HAHN: OK—the PTL did this to make
sure I didn't talk for 20 years. That was
their thinking. I hardly understood what
was being said. Paul always translated it
to me as "You're going to be set for life."
But | didn't jump up and down. When
Weitzman handed Roper the check, 1
asked Paul where it was going. “I’m going
to put it in the bank," he s; I didn't un-
derstand where it was going. All I knew
was that I was going to receive $20,000
and that Paul Roper would receive
$95,000. And the rest—$150,000—would
Бе placed in a trust. Every month, I would.
receive interest payments.

SCHEER: What happened then?

HAHN: We left. The trust was to go into a
California bank. To this day, I still don't
know where my money is. All 1 know is
that Roper and Furstman are the trustees.
GOLSON: Why can't you find out more?
HAHN: Every time I ask for papers, I'm
told they'll be sent. I don't have anything

in writing in front of me. And I don’t un-
derstand that stufl—bank business.
GOLSON: Why did Roper get $95,000?
HAHN: Because he said that was a stand-
ard fee—30 percent.
GOLSON: He has since explained that he re-
ceived expenses, plus $2500 a year for the
20-year trust. Since Roper took his money
all at oncc and the trust froze when the
news broke, have you gotten some money
back?
HAHN: No. I don't hear much from Paul.
GOLSON: When Roper said, “I'll take
$95,000," why were you so passive?
HAHN: Because | didn't know what the
normal procedure was.
SCHEER: So what did you get out of the
meeting that was important to you?
HAHN: Well, I didn't get what 1 wanted—
that paper. It was very simple: “Give mc
back the document 1 signed, and some-
body please acknowledge that I have been
hurt.” But, in the end, I felt like I was at
a real-estate mecting where somebody
bought and sold a home, got their money
and everybody went their way. Nothing
was accomplished.
GOLSON: But something was accomplished.
You were going to get interest payments
from $150,000.
HAHN: It wasn't what I wanted! I wanted
Jim Bakker to get on the phone and say,
“Jessica, 1 was wrong. I harmed you." I
wanted that document. I didn't give a
damn about the money! I felt sadder than
Т felt even before 1 went in, because 1
thought, Now it’s a 20-year secret.
Nobody ever gets back to basics. No-
body realizes what really happened. No-
body understands why Jim Bakker lost his
ministry. People only see what their first
love is: money. Everybody is worried
about bank balances. Fine. I understand

that—that’s how people exist and feed
their families. But from the day that it
happened, there has been nothing but pco-
ple making money offof this. At PTL, pco-
ple were paid off by the hundreds and
thousands of dollars to keep silent about
the incident. When this story broke, why
do you think all you saw in the papers was
a money trail?

And now people are running around
saying I’m capitalizing on it. What have
they been doing? At least I'm doing it by
making some beautiful pictures and by
telling my story once and for all.

GOLSON: OK, assuming you were pres-
sured into this trust arrangement, why did
you continue to accept the checks?

HAHN: | accepted the moncy because 1
thought it was over; it was the way to keep
peace. But why did I keep accepting the
money later on? I don’t know if I have an
answer. Roper kept saying, “You're a rich
lady,” and I felt like the same thing
again—a little kid.

GOLSON: But you'd already taken $10,000
from Cortese; once it was obvious that the
$10,000 wasn't going to keep them off your
hack, why did you think money from a
trust would be more effective?

HAHN: Because the trust was more for-
mal—it was morc binding. It came out of
a meeting with a lawyer and a retired
judge. It was more real to me—it made me
think that this thing might really just end.
It was also an admission by Bakker.
GOLSON: Of what?

HAHN: Of guilt. Why else do you give
somebody money? In a case like mine?
GOLSON: Then the money did have some
satisfaction for you?

HAHN: It was a way of finally saying that
the first piece of paper wasn't true, be-
cause he never would have given me any-
thing if 1 had really seduced him.

GOLSON: In another incident, before the
trust was set up, a letter was sent by some-
опе who apparently knew your story and
demanded $100,000 from the PTL.

HAHN: Yes. There was а girl who Га
pulled through some tough times. I told
her some of what had happened to me to
make her feel better. She then wrote this
letter to the PTL, which she thought was
on my behalf—but I didn’t know about it
in advance. It later turned out she was
signing my name to things and wasn't very
stable. I'm sorry it happened.

GOLSON: That adds up to a lot of financial
activity by people who said they repre-
sented you. Don’t you think that’s why
people find it hard to believe you weren't
interested in getting money from the PTL?
HAHN: If it were money I wanted, would I
have had all these middlemen? I could
have taken money at an carly stage and
just walked away—they were offering it to
me! АП 1 wanted was the document Aimee
Cortese made me sign. If anyone thinks 1
was trying to get something out of the
PTL, he’s right—it was that lying docu-
ment that brought the whole thing down.
That’s what I wanted—not money.

SCHEER: Let's move ahead to when the
story broke. Where were you?

HAHN: Га moved into a small apart-
ment—the upper floor of a house in west
Babylon, Long Island. On March 18,
Charley Shepard called to say that he'd
finally gotten proof about the payments—
from a source inside the PTL—and was
breaking the story the next day.

GOLSON: Not from you?

HAHN: No, I refused to give him what he
wanted. Hc got the proof on his own. I had
only told Charley my side to defend my-
sclf—no more. I still didn’t want it to
come out. Anyway, Charley told me the
big news—that Bakker was going to resign
and that he said it was because he'd been
“wickedly” manipulated into a sexual en-
counter and blackmailed. Charley asked
mc if I had any comment. I didn't know
what to say. I said, “Jim Bakker obviously
has to protect himself.” I also said |
wished it wasn't going to happen. АП I
could concentrate on was that all these
church people were going to be hurt, and it
was going to be my fault

Then the news broke all over.

My first contact with a newspaper re-
porter, besides Charley Shepard, was
when a woman from Newsday came over
and got a photo of me in my boots and
jeans—what 1 had been wearing around
the house. I didn’t know how I was sup-
posed to look, what I was supposed to say.
The following day, my picture came out in
Newsday. That’s when the image of the
“sex secretary" began.

1 didn’t dare go anywhere. 1 couldn't
call anyone. The news reports were non-
stop. The phone began to ring—and never
stopped. All I could think to do was stick
to my routine, to hold on to my sanity. Sol
began to pedal on my exercise bike, listen
ing to tapes. All of a sudden, 1 heard this
rumble outside. I stopped pedaling, took
off my carphones and went to the window
to look out. There were vans and trucks
and sound booms everywhere. There were
blankets on my lawn, chairs set up. There
were—no kidding—120 newspeople mill-
ing around. There were photographers on
top of the vans, focusing their cameras on
my window. People perched on my car.
The street was blocked. And I was scared
to death—I didn't dare open my door.
When 1 did, it was just a crack to let my
dog, Missy, out.

Somchow, my unlisted phone number
got out—and the phone began to ring non-
stop. When one call stopped, another be-
gan. The counter on my tape machine
went to 100, and it just started up again,
over and оуег. Everyone on earth wanted
an interview—“Barbara Walters would
like an interview, please get back to us”;
“Newsweek wants to talk to you"—every-
one. So I had my phone going endlessly,
my dog going crazy, the little girl from
downstairs bringing up messages cvery
five minutes, microphones on the end of
poles coming up to my window, bright
lights all night long—and 1 ended up sit-

ting in my living-room chair like this
[clasps knees, rocks back and forth], saying,
“My God, what do I do?”

GOLSON: You couldn't get any advice from
anyone?

HAHN: Roper was never in. This was way
past any experience my family had. I
didn’t have close friends or a husband.
And anyway, with all the press calls, no
опе else could get through. Who was I go-
ing to turn to? I thought they were going to
come any minute with handcuffs,
the basis of what Bakker was saying. He
was the one who knew how to talk to the
press. I didn’t know how to begin saying
what I had to say to the press. And even
then, I was afraid of speaking out. So I just
hid inside for days

Finally, when it got to be too much—
the doorknobs were jiggling, people were
throwing things at my window—I slipped
out my front door. They weren't expecting
me and there was this rush—a guy was
eating pizza and dropped it when he saw
me—and they knocked me over. 1 stood
up and went back to my doorstep. 1 was
wearing sunglasses, not just because Га
always worn them but because my eyes
were a disaster from crying so much.

So I prayed, “God, help me,” and I just
walked up to the camera people: “Where
do I go? Where do I stand?" And when ev-
eryone was ready, I just said, “My biggest
concern is not to hurt the church.” I know
it sounds strange in retrospect, but it was
all I could say. I also managed to say I was
worried about my parents and my little
brother, and that was why I couldn't ex-
plain very much. And that was the first
time I talked to the press.

SCHEER: But not the last time. Penthouse
published an article by Washington Post re-
porter Art Harris questioning your story
and quoting documents obtained by Pent-
house, What was that all about?

HAHN: I saw Bob Guccione on TV one
night, saying he thought I was being ma-
nipulated. I was as low as could be, I had
no lawyer, and I was impressed that he
was so direct. I knew I wasn’t going to be
able to tell my story to a family newspa-
рег. So I called him. I went over to his
town house in New York. We met in а con-
ference room. There was security all over
the place and big, huge dogs. To impress
me, he told me he could find out in 24
hours who had sold the transcript of the
tape I made for Roper, which the Star,
The Washington Post and everyone else was
publishing. Ironically, that transcript is
mast of what Penthouse ended up publish-
ing as its “exclusive” story

Guccione told me that night how hun-
gry he was for this story; that he wanted to
get Falwell and the others for having cost
him $12,000,000 worth of magazine busi-
ness; and that payment to me would be
“endless.”

SCHEER: Did he say how much?

HAHN: He just said it would be endless.
But first he wanted to wire me up.
SCHEER: What do you mean?

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PLAYBOY

HAHN: Hc wanted to hide wires on me and
send me out to tape-record people like Fal-
well and Jim Bakker. By myself. I left
without saying much, but I was scared to
death. It seemed crazy and dangerous,
someone wiring me. As I left, Guccione
said, “Call me any time, night or day,
Jessica. I never sleep.” I felt I was leaving
some dark place.
SCHEER: How did you feel when you read
the Penthouse story?
HAHN: What Penthouse did is no diflerent
from what Bakker and Falwell and some of
the others have done—taken my story and
used it for their own benefit. The Washing-
ton Post reporter, Art Harris, was someone
I trusted. He said he had compassion for
me, believed me and wanted me to deal
ith him. Then he went to Penthouse.
Did either Guccione or Harris
ever challenge your story when they were
trying to convince you to deal with them?
HAHN: No, never. They both said they
were totally on my side.
GOLSON: How do you feel about the fact
that some pcople will continue to call you
a liar?
HAHN: Resigned to it. lm finally telling
story my way—but to a lot of people
who knew me back when, that translates
into money and celebrity. And it will at-
tract people who want a part of this.
"They'll claim that I slept around or that I
wasa bad person or that I took more mon-
ey or—1 don't know if it will ever stop.

But what's ironic is, what does any of
this have to do with what's important? I
mean, what would it matter if Га slept
around а lot—which I haven't? Despite
any rumors vou might hear, I'm here to
tell you, as God is my witness, that I was а
virgin before 1980 and that my experience.
since then has been very, very limited
Anyway, isn't what happened inside that
hotel room what's important? That a
preacher I worshiped forced himself on me
and, on that same afternoon, the preacher
who baptized me did even worse? "That's
why Гуе given all the details I remember
of the incident—so they won't be able to
lie again about that.

Ifsomc of the things that have happened
to me and some of the people who've been
around my life secm kind of strange to пог-
mal people, well, it seems that way to me,
too, now. I can’t believe how complicated
s been. And I sure haven't always had
the best taste in who I turned to for advice
or help. But this is the environment I came
out of. It wasn't because I went looking for
the complications.

GOLSON: But it was not just the small-
timers who jumped on this story, was it? A
few days after the news broke, the big-time
TV preachers were in full cry, weren't
they?

HAHN: Yes, юпе had an angle. Jerry
Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, John Anker-
berg, they all used me. The Roper tape
was not only played for the Assemblies of

God pcople but Jimmy Swaggart, who is
not a member, also listened to the tape. As.
for John Ankerberg, he took a copy of the
tape and, from what I understand, not on-
ly listened to it but began to hand copies out.

These men couldn't wait to go on TV
and say, ^I listened to a tape, and this
poor little girl...” They all got up and
said how vi ed I was, yet they used
me, too. They loved the details. They had
to pick a side—and they said to them-
selves, “If we're going to fight Jim Bakker,
who are we going to fight him with? What
tool can we use?” And the only tool they
could use was Jessica Hahn.

I was used. I was not cared about. It
was pretty obvious Ї had no one to turn to,
but no one said, “What can we do for
?" But when it came time to go on tele-
vision, they all had a lot to say about me. I
hate Jim Bakker for that and I hate John
Fletcher for that, but I do not need these
other men coming along and playing God
and deciding that Jim Bakker should burn
and they're going to do it. Because when
they burn Bakker, they burn Jessica. 105
been a war of words—their war—with my
name as the weapon. Each man had his
own vendetta.

SCHEER: So you weren't able to take much
comfort from any of the church people
who came to your aid.

HAHN: Right. Most of them turned out to
be the ones who hurt me the most.
GOLSON: But you're not referring to the
people from mainstream churches. You're
talking about—

HAHN: That circle, that world, that clique of
churches. And that's why it felt like being
mistreated by your own family. It’s like a
child-abuse story. A child goes to the
mother or the father because that child be-
lieves they cannot do wrong. Then the par-
ent abuses that child. So the child feels
helpless and asks, “Where do I go? These
were the very people I loved and needed,
but they turned on me."

GOLSON: Didn't anyone come to the door

HAHN: No. I paid somebody to go out and
buy my groceries. I couldn't leave because
of the press—ropes were finally put up.
You know, I saw thc transcript of the tape
I'd made for Roper appear in the Star and
The Washington Post at the same time ev-
eryone else did, and I wondered how it got
in there. When I asked about it, nobody
knew. I would like to know how these
things got out—thesc little bits and pieces
of the story that 1 never confirmed ог
talked about until this day.

GOLSON: But didn't you give out some bits
and pieces yourself? Aside from the news-
paper reporters we mentioned, there was a
period when you would talk with disc jock-
суз and wire-service reporters, sounding
very disoriented. What was going through
your mind then?

HAHN: I was trying to make a decision

alone—without a lawyer, without an
agent, without any kind of representa-
tion—as to how I was going to straighten
things out. So if U.P.l. or A.P. called me,
I would pick up the phone. But basically,
the stories were just about my back-
ground—where I lived and what I was
like. But I learned real quick that the press
publishes what it wants.

At опе point, I decided to be brave and
agreed to go on the Phil Donahue show. I
just showed up in the car they sent and
walked into the waiting room. Phil came
in and looked around. "What?" he said.
“No lawyers, no agents?" I just looked at
him and said, "It's just me, Phil.” But
when I did his show, I managed not to talk
about my story for a full hour. I just want-
ed people to get a little impression of me,
not to believe I was some slut.

GOLSON: You also began having breakfast
conversations on the air with Howard
Stern, a comic d.j. who specializes in near-
obscene radio talk. How did that dialog
come to happen?

HAHN: When Howard Stern called, ] was
like a caged animal. I was sleeping one
morning and I heard someone saying
through the answering machine, “Jessica,
Jessica, pick up," so I figured it was some-
body I knew. Nobody just gets on the
phone and says that. So I picked up and he
said, “Its Howard Stern, and you are on
the air."

And as sad as it may sound, Howard
Stern was somebody on the outside, talk-
ing like a human being to me. Even though
we were on the air, I said, “ГИ take it,”
because 1 was desperate.

GOLSON: Because he was the only one ask-
ing how you were?

HAHN: Exactly. He never asked me about
Bakker. He just said, “What are they do-
ing to you? Are you all right?” 1 was so
desperate for some human contact—for
somebody—that 1 took his calls.

GOLSON: Isn't that part of why people saw
you the way they did? Here was an ap-
parently intelligent woman talking about
her abuse on an outrageous radio show.
Wasn't it an odd way for you to vent your
feelings about something as serious as
what was happening?

HAHN: It shows you how desperate I was;
that is all I can say. That is the point I was
at: I needed somebody to listen to me and,
out of all these people, Howard Stern
cared about me. “Jessica, are you all
right?"

GOLSON: Wasn't your pastor there through
that period?

HAHN: But 1 didn’t want to get him in-
volved. I told him, “ГИ be all right. Just
stick to preaching. Don’t be a part of thi
He knew all along the pain I was in, but
what was he going to do, sit there and have
people snap pictures of him?

That was part of my leaming process.
He obviously cared about me, but I real-
ized I couldn’t go through life depending

y a
^ "s Mr diat
"OK, so Их a Christmas tree . . . it still beats me why
people in the West get so excited about them."

207

PLAYBOY

on these people.

SCHEER: But from what we can sce, you're
still not free of them, even though you're
finally telling your story.

HAHN: Yes, the calls and threats keep com-
ing in. The fact that I can talk about
things now is a relief, a release—and they
want to steal that. They want to turn it in-
to something to their advantage.

GOLSON: Arc these powerful people?
HAHN: No. These are cveryday people.
Homemakers. People who arc aggravated
because I’m not under their thumb. Peo-
ple who don't know my whercabouts and
are frustrated because Гт not responding
to their every whim anymore.

I came that close to suicide. And they
kept it up! You know, I fell off a horse once
and broke ribs. I came real close to dying.
My ribs were broken and I injured my kid-
ncy and hit my head. While 1 was in the
hospital, the first phone call I got was:
“Jessica, I wish you would have died.”
This was a church person.

‘These are the things that come back to
me now. These are the kind of people that I
had around me. And it makes me so angry,
because these are the people I loved so
much and wanted to please so much. They
take my kindness for stupidity. And it's
just not true. I am kind, but I am not
stupid. And they used that. They saw I
was friendly and called me a flirt.

Before, I depended on these people for
love, for support, for guidance and direc-
tion. And now that I’m more in control of
things, it drives them nuts. To think that
for à second I might be able to make a de-
cision by myself! I don't ever have to ask
for their advice anymore. I don't need
their love anymore. And I guess 1 never
had it in the first place. In a way, it was
always fake—it was false.

Now I feel I've snapped out of some-

thing. I can separate the good from the
bad. I am on my way to being happy.
GOLSON: But can you really tell the differ-
ence between bad people and good peo-
ple? After all, you say you were assaulted
by Fletcher, the very man who had bap-
tized you at the age of 14. How can anyone
tell if you couldn’t?
HAHN: John Fletcher only glorified John
Fletcher. When you are in a church and
you look around, you have to ask, “Does
this glorify God?” The secret is to go to
church and sec if people are talking about
themselves and their own problems or
talking about God.

We all know there are bills to pay. But if
I wanted spiritual help, I wouldn’t want to
hear Jim Bakker using precious TV time
to complain about the press being mean to
him for his wife’s mink coat. I would want
help.

And that’s how I feel about all those
other ministers right now, too. They all do
it—Falwell, Swaggart, all of them. They
need to stop talking, to stop pleading.
They need to get back and realize that
somebody hung on the cross for a reason!

208 That there are people who are dying and

hurting and have nothing—no love!
GOLSON: All of this is tumbling out of you
as if it’s been pent up, waiting to come out
all these years.

HAHN: Yes. And it’s because those people
told me for so long, “Just shut up, Jessica.
We have much bigger problems than
yours." But what makes me angry as hell
is that their big problems are, How are
they going to look in front of the public?
What are they going to say about their col-
lege or their $1,000,000 building that the
built for no other reason than because
makes them look morc powerful and big?

A church is to minister. These buildings
are being built in a competition for money.
"There's no reason to put yourself in debt
because you had to build 70 buildings that
make the place look like Walt Disney
World. These buildings aren't going to
help people. They're just buildings

If you're going to usc all your television
time to cry that you can't pay for anything,
stop building for a while and get back оп
track. Then you could minister!

GOLSON: What would you say today to a
14-year-old who walked into the kind of
church you did?

HAHN: I would say, “Worship the way you
want to, not the way the preachers tell
you to. Have a relationship with God,
not God's representatives. Realize that
preachers are only a vessel, only a tool.
And don't be misled, don't put your life in
their hands, as I did.

“Keep your mind. You can become so
caught up in one man's way of thinking
that you do lose your own mind. You start
saying, "Well, ГИ just leave it to him to de-
cide. If he says wearing make-up is wrong,
then I'm just not going to wear it.’ You can
be so heavenly minded that you become no
earthly good.

“Just get back to basics. If you're going
into church, don't get into the politics,
don't become part of a clique. Just go in
there, worship, love God, give 100 percent
of yourself and go your way. Don't allow.
them to say where you're going to school,
who you can and can't talk to. You've got
to use your own brain. Don't lock yourself
in. Remember this isn’t your whole
world—you can bring God with you
wherever you go."

GOLSON: You said you snapped out of
something, as if you had awakened. Look-
ing back, what do you think of the kind of
conditioning you went through?

HAHN: It starts when you're a child. You
walk in а place and everything is wonder-
ful and you think, This is where I want to
spend the rest of my life. As a kid, you're
easily influenced—you believe everything
and everybody and just want to hang on.
And I think in my case, it turned negative

I'm glad that this is finally me now. Not
a little girl who is being influenced by all
these big men that have all this power. It’s
Jessica now—making decisions on her
own. But this hasn't been easy. Pm not go-
ing to lie to you. Suddenly, you look back

at what's happened and you say, “Му
God, my life really was destroyed by this."
GOLSON: Now where are we? Are we talk-
ing about the cvents in the hotel or-
HAHN: I'm talking about from the time I
was 14 ycars old up until now! The church
and worship and my personal relationship
with God are probably the best things that
ever happened to me, only the people sur-
rounding it were nol the best thing that
happened to me. I can’t understand how I
could have allowed all of this to happen in
the first place. What allowed me to trust
people and let them use me? What allowed
me to get to that point? What kind of tech-
niques did they use? What did all of these
little men have that allowed them to do
this to me?

So it’s amazing and it’s depressing and
it's scary and it saddens me, because I re-
alize that all of my 20s, all of my teen
years—all of my life—have been in-
fluenced by this. It feels like I went to sleep
on my Ith birthday and didn’t wake up
until my 28th.

That was the day that I said, “That's it.
I've got to get help." From someone, some
institution that wasn’t involved in this
clique of people. 1 thought, I am not going
to take this anymore. I can’t lie under the
covers. | am 28 and I have done absolutely
nothing with my life but accommodate
these people. I have gone nowhere. I have
no money. I have $40 and my heart is
breaking and Pm mad as hell. I was also
close to ending it for myself.

Within hours, things changed. I picked
up the closest thing to me—the New York
Post—and I saw Dominic Barbara’s name
in it. He's a divorce attorney on Long Is-
land. I liked his style. So I called him, we

igned a real contract, and I ended up here
talking to you.
GOLSON: How did the Playboy pictures go?
HAHN: Now, don’t laugh, but I believe this
experience has brought me closer to God
In my quiet moments, my faith was all I
had. In Chicago, when I was at Playboy to
be photographed, I'd go for walks by Lake
Michigan and talk with God. I'd say,
“God, help me through this. I need a
friend.” I couldn't call anyone. Who else
was in my shocs? Who else could under-
stand where I was coming from? So Га
walk by the water and say, “God, help me;
it's really You and me right now."
SCHEER: Did vou think you might be
doing the wrong thing by posing for the
pictures?
HAHN: No, but I wondered. I prayed one
day and said, “God, please, if I'm doing
the wrong thing, just show me." And this
is probably going to sound real corny, but
I asked for a sign if I was doing wrong. I
said, “God, I feel at peace about what Pm
doing, but I don’t want to be this woman
who marked the church in the I
don’t want to be this woman who is iden-
tified with evil. I want to be identified with
You. I'm doing all of this in Playboy, and /
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ade me this way and I’m not ashamed of
what You created. But I need a sign just to
be sure.”

And as J was walking —you don't have
to believe me, but this is true—1 saw а
rainbow. I saw it, and it was like “Hey,
I'm here for you. You're going to be OK.
I'm on your side." That was enough for
me. God may not always be there when
you want Him, but He's there when you
need Him. I didn't have a church or a
preacher to run to. I had just me and God
walkin’.

SCHEER: You're something of a preacher
yourself, Jessica.

HAHN: Well, I know how ironic it is to be
saying this in Playboy, but—it's the time
and the place. If Playboy wants the truth,
this is all of it. Not just the pictorial, not
just the hotel encounter. You're going to
have all of me. My whole dream was just
to get that message across. You don’t have
to be just one way to love God.

GOLSON: And you remain comfortable with
your decision?

HAHN: Playboy allowed me to be myself, to
do what I wanted to do. 1 don’t believe
anyone else has ever done that for me in
my life. Playboy did more for me than 1
could ever do for Playboy. It gave me a new
lease on life.

GOLSON: Wouldn’t some say there was a
price tag here, too—that you took your
clothes off as the cost of telling your story?
HAHN: Thats not a price to p
forced me to take my clothes off. They sim-
ply said, “You decide, Jessica. You decide.”
GOLSON: Well, Jessica, for someone who
was so careful and so quiet about this
storv—this whole story—for so long,
you've certainly opened up.

HAHN: One hesitation 1 had all along
about telling the raw truth was that it
would leave people with a bad feeling. My
whole goal was to tell it in a way where
there was a happy ending despite the bad
stuff. My goal was to show that at the end,
you can survive something like this. You're
nota slave anymore. You're free.

GOLSON: And what do you have to say to

those people you were so afraid of hurting
for so long—people who truly believed in
Jim Bakker and who say
that faith?

you destroyed

the Bible, God used a jack-

across. God will use
anybody. Because we're really all just ves-
sels. Sure, He used Jim Bakker. I believe

He used Jim Bakker. Г
But if people say 1 di
him, then they had thei
thing. If you're going
Jim Bakker or in Je
going to fail. That's wh
in God, not people. Thi
you every time.”
SCHEER: Still, Playboy is an unexpected fo-
rum in which to read this kind of talk.

HAHN: Гус prayed about it many times
and Гус felt at peace about it. You know.

п not denying it
troyed their faith in
һ in the wrong
have your faith in
ahn, sure its
1 say, “Have faith
re going to fail

the body is something God made, and
what God made is good; it shouldn't be
abused. And 1 don't mean in just a hotel
room. I mean, it shouldn't be exploited, as
it is in some magazincs. But if you're going
to just appreciate something pretty in a
nice way, it’s how people choose to see it.
God made Adam and Eve this way and
it wasn't until they ed and noticed
cach other's nakedness that it became
wrong, that they covered themselves. They
ate the apple and there was sin—and
when there was sin, they covered up.
Everything out there is Юг us—trees,
stars—because God loved us so much, He
gave us all of this to enjoy. For no other
rcason than for us to enjoy. Nature is real-
ly beautiful—it’s people who make ugli-
ness.
SCHEER: How about your own happy end-
ing? How far have you come from that day
in 1980? How about love and romance?
HAHN: Well, it took mc ycars to realize it
was those men who were wrong, not me. 1
thought for a while that every time 1
thought of a man and a woman together. it

would remind me of pain.

It took mea long time to realize that it is
not that way. That a body is something
God created, and it is precious, it is a mir-
acle, it is not to be abused and it is not
ugly. I leamed to appreciate a human
body and sec it as something beautiful.
something, precious, to be handled gently,
delicately.

GOLSON: Why didn’t this experience—
both physical and mental—overwhelm
you? What were you able to draw on?
HAHN: I finally realized all these things led
to God. These guys—all of them—are the
oncs who messed up. God didn't. And 1
finally got my priorities in order and
stopped worshiping them.

It’s so easy to become wrapped up—to
let people run your life. It’s so easy be-
cause you want so badly to be loved. Ev-
erybody needs to be loved. That's why a
church is so important in people's lives—
people just need to be loved. And some
pay a high price for that love. 1 did.

“What I believe in is my parents’ buying me everything

I want so ГЇЇ love them.

PLAYBOY

210

OREN «> MANAM

(continued from page 78)

“This is my one and only offer, Ollie. I won't
ever propose again; it’s hard on my knees." ”

they could go on forever, but they know
now they won't,” she said.

“Stan,” he said, “this is no Hemingway
novel and this can't be the end of the
world. You’ll never leave me.”

But it was a question, not a declaration,
and suddenly she moved and he blinked at
her and said, “What are you doing down
there?”

“Nut,” she said, “Ги knecling on the
floor and I'm asking for your hand. Marry.
me, Ollie. Come away with me to France.
Гуе got a new job in Paris. No, don't say
anything. Shut up. No one has to know.

Гус got the money this year and will sup-
port you while you write the great Ameri-
can novel-

*But——" he said.

“You've got your portable typewriter, а
ream of paper and me. Say it, Ollie, will
you come? Hell, don't marry me—we'll
live in sin—but fly with me, yes?”

“And ich us go to hell in a ycar and
bury us forever?”

“Are you that afraid, Ollie? Don't you
believe in me or you or anything? God,
why are men such cowards, and why the
hell do you have such thin skins and why

“Pm sorry, Inspector Lestrade, but for reasons

which I confess are sentim

ental, I feel I must, just this

once, decline my services to Scotland Yard.”

are you afraid of a woman like a ladder to
lean on? Listen, Гус got things to do and
you're coming with me. I can't leave you
here; you'll fall down those damn stairs.
But if I have to, I will. I want everything
now, not tomorrow. That mcans you,
Pa and my job. Your novel will take
time, but you'll do it. Now, do you do it
here and feel sorry for yourself, or do we
live in a cold-water walk-up flat in the
in Quarter a long way off from here? This
is my one and only offer, Ollie. Гус never
proposed before; I won't ever propose
hard on my knees. Well?”

Have we had
fore?” he said.

this conversation be-

in the past year, but you
never listened; you were hopeless.”

“No, in love and helpless.

“You've got one minute to make up your
mind. Sixty seconds.” She was staring at
her wrist watch.

“Get up olf the floor," he 5
rassed.

"If I do, it’s out the door and gone,” she
said. “Forty-nine seconds to go, Ollie.”
“Stan,” he groaned.

“Thirty,” she read her watch. “Twenty
Гус got one knee off the floor. Ten. I'm be-
ginning to get the other knee up. Five
One.

And she was standing on her fect.

What brought this on?” he asked.

“Now,” she said, “Гат heading for the
door. I don't know. Maybe Гуе thought
about it more than I dared even notice, We
arc very special, wondrous people, Ollie,
and I don't think our like ever come
again in the world, at least not to us, or
Em lying to myself and I probably am. But
I must go. and you arc free to come along
but can't face it or don't know it. And
now"—she reached out— my hand is on
the door and ——"

"And," he said quictly.
"m crying,” she said.

He started to get ир, but she shook her
head.

“No, don't. If you touch me, ГИ cave in,
and to hell with that. Um going. But once
a year will be forbearance day, or whatev-
cr in hell you want to call it. Once a year,
Pil show up at our flight of steps, no piano,
same hour, same time as that alternoon
when we first went there, and if you're
there to meet me, ГИ kidnap you or you
me, but don’t bring along and show me

id, ci

your damn bank balance or give me any of
your lip.”
"Stan," he said
“My God,” journed
What?”
“This door is heavy. I can't move it.”

She wept. “There. It’s moving. There.”
She wept more. "I'm gone.
he door shut.

Stan!” He ran to the door and grabbed
the knob. It was wet. He raised his fingers
to his mouth and tasted the salt, then
opened the door.

The hall was already empty.

air

where she had passed was just coming
back together. Thunder threatened when
the two halves met. There was a promise
of rain.

He went back to the steps on October
fourth every усаг for three years, but she
wasn't there. And then he forgot for two
ycars; but in the autumn of the sixth ycar,
he remembered and went back in the late
sunlight and walked up the stairs because
he saw something halfway up, and it was а
bottle of good champagne with a ribbon
and a note on it, delivered by somcone,
and the note read:

Ollie, dear Olli. Date remem-
bered. But in Paris. Mouths not the
same, but happily married. Love,
Stan.

And alter ıhat, every October, he sim-
ply did not go to visit the stairs. The sound
of that piano rushing down the hillside, he
knew, would catch him and take him along
to where he did not know.

And that was the end, or almost the end,
of the Laurcl and Hardy Love Affair

There was, by amiable accident, a final
meeting,

"Traveling through France 15 ycars later,
he was walking on the
late one aftemoon with his wife and two
daughters, when he saw this handsome
woman coming the other way, escorted by
a very sober-looking older man and a very
handsome dark-haired boy of 12, obvious-
ly her son.

As they passed, the same smile lighted
both their faces in the same instant.

He twiddled his necktie at her.

She tousled her hair at him

They did not stop. They kept going. But
he heard her call back along the Champs
s the last words he would ever hear

“Another fine mess you've got us into!”
And then she added the old, the familiar

name by which he had gone in the years of

their love.

And she was gone and his daughters
and wife looked at him and one daughter
said, “Did that lady call you Ollie?”

“What lady?” he said

“Dad,” said the other daughter, leaning
in to peer at his face. “You're crying."

“No.”

you аге, Isn't he, Mom?"
four poppa,” said his wife, “as you
well know, cries at telephone books."
No,” he said, “just a hundred and fifty
steps and a piano. Remind me to show you
girls someday.”

They walked on and he turned and
looked back a final ime. The woman with
her husband and son turned at that very
moment. Maybe he saw her mouth form
the words Ollie.” Maybe he
didn't. He felt his own mouth move, in si-
lence, “So long, Stan.”

And they walked in opposite directions
along the Champs Elysces in the late light
of an October sun.

So long,

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212

URBANE RENEWAL continued from page 142)

“A dose of wit goes a long way. One trompe Voeil
mural or chest can enliven the room.”

dramatic, unexpected piece, whether ma-
jor or not, can do wonders for injecting
personality and presence into a small
space. A burgeoning possibility nowadays
is art furniture, found in gallerics, designer
showrooms and upscale shops. An art
piece will work as furniture, storing pos-
sessions or lighting up, but it will also Бе
startling and exciting.

А dose of wit goes a long way, too. One
trompe Pocil mural or chest, for example,
ог a neoclassic table with ceramic swags
can enliven the room. Much of the touted
Memphis design collection achieves a sim-
ilar eflect. Wit, as you well know, often
comes from context, from not expecting
some object to be in that place. Imagine
an outdoor chair—perhaps а leggy
Adirondack—inside. Or a column work-
ing as a divider. Many commercial objects
will look witty when moved into a home
from restaurants, libraries, theaters, ho-
tels, hospitals, board rooms.

THE UNUSUAL

их

In this postmodern age, when contem-
рогагу fashion means acknowledging the
influences of the past, design culls from all
eras. Small spaces particularly benefit
from contrasts. Forget all those matched
suites of furniture. They ll just make the
room fecl cramped and ordinary. If you
fancy a Victorian sofa, fine; but then look
for something in the Italian streamlined
mode, too. If you're a fan of the country
look, concentrate on roughhewn, woodsy
pieces, and then set a few slick objects
alongside them. The range now mixes
metal with wood, fabric with hard edges,
high-tech with traditional. Think about
serious furniture next to some cartoon
character—a familiar, sturdy wing chair,
say, pulled alongside a classic Fifties kid-
ncy-shaped table. Watch the proportions
and colors, though. A few contrasting ele-
ments are all you need.

One of the fastest ways to achieve an up-
to-date mix is by combining period fur-
nishings with the latest in lighting—which
means a halogen light. The advent of the
tiny, hard-working halogen bulb has revo-
lutionized lighting design, in much the
way the silicon chip forever changed the
shape of electronic equipment. Lighting is
now slim, elegant and remarkably ver-
satile. And one of the first halogen
lamps—the status-conscious Tizio, de-
signed in 1972—has now been joined by
an array of snazzy space-age choices that
swivel or dip, go on the wall, the table or
the ceiling. No matter what materials and
styles you have in the room, lighting
can make it feel contemporary.

BEYOND THE LOOKING GLASS

Mirrors move in and out of fashion in
living spaces, much like plants and plat-
forms. Currently, they're back, though а
decade or so ago, you didn’t sce many.
except in dressing rooms. They're obvi
ously useful for a studio, reflecting light
and, perhaps, a view. Mirrors open up
space like nothing else.

But be careful. Most people fal
of two categories as soon as a mirror is
anywhere close. Your date may be made
uncomfortable by the constant reflection of
herself and be unable to relax, or she may
be an admirer of her own good looks,
unable to stop the self-appraisal. In either
case, you've lost her. Position mirrors
where they'll. reflect light without domi-
nating the social arena. Often, a broken
reflection will work—mirrored squares on
a structural girder, for example, or a slim,
horizontal bar over a long table.

THE DOUBLE TAKE

We've mentioned the need for compro-
mise in a studio apartment, but we don’t
mean on quality or style. We mean this:
You can't айога furnishings that will do
just one thing. Rigorous multiple function
is the goal, without sacrificing comfort or
design, of course. Don’t choose a table that
simply sits there, waiting for a party. A
drop-leaf or gate-leg table will expand to
accommodate dinner for cight, every re-
ceipt you've squirreled away for tax time
or a buffet brunch for 12. At half capacity,
it’s just the right size for an intime break-
fast Юг two. And when you're dining out,
¡CI fold snugly against the wall and turn
into a sideboard for keys, mail and bri
case. А wall piece becomes a table when it
comes off the wall to top the two trestles
that are stored in a closet. A few handy
side tables can slide into position for dining.

You're best off with chairs that will
change roles, moving from social to dining
modes with the mere proximity of a table.
Select a design that will work for both. Or,
if you're a staunch traditionalist and must
have division of labor, think about chairs
that stack. Three or four nestled in a cor-
ner make for sculpture—and a movable
feast. A short stack will fit in a closet and
appear at the right time. Many on the
market nowadays will not only stack but
fold, too. These are lightweight and ingen-
iously designed for looks and comfort.

Every space needs some definition, a
way of dividing one area from another.
The wick in a studio is to make those
dividers functional. An open-shelved stor-
age unit can zone sleeping and dining
areas or living and cooking arcas, while

still providing a place for books and the
baseball-hat collection. lighting and the
stereo. But remember: That unit needn't
tower over the room. A low-rise unit will
do it, perhaps backed up against the sofa.
Pay attention to the horizontal lines in the
studio and try to match your horizons.
That will make for a more harmonious
room. If this is the place for a tall divider,
be clever. Get one with access from both
sides, so you won't block out light and you
can reach what you want without circling
the piece.

And consider a standing screen to divide
space. A nifty solution, the screen is basi-
cally a movable wall that will create an
instant room wherever and whenever it's
nceded: a private guest room, for example.
Or a dining area. A home office, perhaps.
If the screen has a distinct personality,
you've ended your scarch for a major piece
as well.

OFF THE WALL

A word about furniture arrangement: A
powerful tendency for anyone dealing with
a small space is to push everything against
the wall. Resist it. That stiff line-up of sofa,
table, standing lamp and chair looks very
much like a waiting room. Yes, the cardi
nal rule of allowing for traffic patterns docs
apply, but that doesn’t legislate a hole
the center. Your studio’s longest line, of
course, is a diagonal. If vou can set the liv-
ing arca at angles to the room's straight-
edged rectangle, in one fell swoop you will
gain both space and interest.

THE ART OF CLUTTER

Received wisdom for a studio dictates
Ican-and-mean furnishings: Keep every-
thing spare, say the decorating dicta.
Make sure surfaces are clean. That's a
perfectly acceptable strategy for people
who like to live that way. For those who
have lots of tapes, books, records, clocks,
cassette players and maybe even an insa-
tiable appetite for whatnots, it’s no strat-
egy at all. While it's true that acquisitive
instincts should be curbed in a studio,
there’s still room for the stuff of life. You
can feel comfortable in a one-room home
with many textures, patterns and posses-
sions as long as you assemble everything
with care. If it’s pattern you crave, choose
a palette and stick to it. The designs may
vary—paisley to stripes—but the color
theme will unify the pieces. Usually, a
two-tone motif works best but that
depends on just how much pattern you
want. 105 personality you're after, not a
formula. Pay attention to scale as well. A
jumble of skyline shapes that force the eye
up and down without rest will be uncom-
fortable and awkward to be around. When
you add surfaces covered with more
shapes and colors, however prized, the dis-
comfort may well turn to claustrophobia.

BEDROOMS WITHOUT WALLS: ТН
WITHIN THE ROOM

It's usually about six by nine feet and
ifs called the sleeping alcove—in other

OOM

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is needed)
who makes
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SSS — ol ————— 2

214

URBANE RENEWAL

1A. & 18. Two Shiraz Oriental rugs meas-

uring 6' x 9', $4000, and 4° x 5’, $1400,
both from Caspian Oriental Rugs, Chicago. 2.
Oak 17th Century gate-leg table, from Victoria
Peters Antiques, Chicago, $6000. 3. & 4. Wal-
nut dining chair, $3415, and Ralph Lauren
wicker love seat, $2195, both from Marshall
Field's, Chicago. 5. Hunt prints, from Victoria
Peters Antiques, $425 each. 6. Hand-colored
French knight engravings, from Branca, Inc.,
Chicago, $325 each. 7. Victorian leather trunk,
from Victoria Peters Antiques, $575. 8. & 9.
Hand-colored engraving, $350 each, and
French lithograph, $450 each, both from
Branca, Inc. 10. Horn mirror, from Jay Robert's
Antiques, Chicago, $2700. 11. & 12. Leather
chesterfield sofa, $2400, and brass lamp,
$480, both from Marshall Field's. 13.
Mahogany pedestal table, from Victoria
Peters Antiques, $1800. 14. Baker tufted
lounge chair, from Marshall Field's, $1477.

[] tems available in our room with a view:

Peters Antiques, $1795. 3. Brass column lamp, from Marshall Field's, $475. 4. Hand-colored engravings, circa 1800, by Jean-Baptiste Audebert,

IF ollowing the numbers, above left to right: 1. Georgian floor lamp, from Marshall Field's, $585. 2. Antique mahogany side table, from Victoria

from Branca, Inc., $475 each. 5. 19th Century English crewel screen, from Victoria Peters Antiques, $1500. 6. Mahogany reproduc-
tion of an antique sleigh bed, from Marshall Field's, $1855. 7. Tole book table with a lid that opens for storage, from Decorators Walk, Chicago, about
$150. 8. Antique ottoman, from Marshall Field's, $2600. 9, Antique-oak hunt-board side table, from Jay Robert's Antiques, $4000. 10. Three blue-and-
white Chinese porcelains, from Marshall Field’s, $1200. 11. Unsigned Scottish oil painting, circa 1830, from George Rettig Antiques, Chicago, $2800.
12. Steerhorn lamps, from Marshall Field's, $425 each. 13. Equestrian prints, from Milvia Swan Prints & Fine Arts, Chicago, $900 each.
14. Gothic Windsor chairs, from Marshall Field's, $1750 each. 15. Sarreid decorative wooden dog, from Decorators Walk, $375. 16. Antique Irish
linen press, from Marshall Field's, $9500. 17. Hand-colored copper engravings of fish, circa 1785, by Marcus Elisier Bloch, from Branca, Inc., $625
each. 18. Brass French oil lamp, from Marshall Field's, $550. All other items pictured are the property of wealthy, worldly Playboy editors.

words, the short leg of an L-shaped box.
What you're looking for is a cozy bed-
room, with a distinct atmosphere separate
from the living area's. We suggest а
canopied four-poster. With just the one
piece of furniture, you create a room with
a sense of presence, mood, architecture
and function. If space is tight, or if window
light is а problem, choose a four-poster
without the top. Four upstanding posts
will still work.

If you're not partial to four-posters,
there are other choices, based on the same
idca ofan open-walled room. Consider, for
example, a Murphy bed (which, by the
way, makes a dandy guest room as well).
The days of Thirties movies are gone
forever: Murphy beds will no longer flop
down of their own volition, thus spoiling
seduction scenes. New technology has
made a significant difference. Beds now
hide in the most handsome and stream-
lined of cabinets, including some with clos-
ets and shelving alongside. The result is a
miniroom housed in a cabinet.

A KITCHEN THAT WORKS

It's amazing how little work space you
really do need to cook. Everything impor-
tant can be included in one tidy line: sink,
stove, fridge and, for а work top, a butch-
er-block board placed over the sink.
That's a worst-case scenario.

Move up from there. Don't think for a
second that every bit of kitchenware must
reside behind closed doors. Likewise, a
drawer full of jumbled tongs and graters,
mashers and knives is а waste of space.
Any small niche should be pressed into
service. Spaces under the cabinets and
above the counters can hold shelves—
ready-made systems are widely available.
Hang everything you can— pots, utensils,
serving dishes, glassware. Use the backs of
doors and wall space above the stove (for
the saucepans). It's OK to let everything
show. It’s also much smarter for providing
access. Good-looking stainless-steel-grid
systems attached to the wall have made.
pegboards obsolete. A few hooks and
you're in business. A closet pole or two, at-
tached high up near the ceiling in closet
sockets, will perform the same trick

You can always find space for a fast
kitchen meal by hinging a shelf and tuck-
ing a stool under it. The shelf will fold
down, out of the way when not in use, and
will also double as a work counter.

THE REAL-ROOM BATH

You may be lucky enough to live in a
studio in an older building where the bath
fixtures include real porcelain and ped-
estal sinks. Most studios, however, are
found amid the modern high-rise hustle,
and bath space in the apartment is an
afterthought—a sterile white-and-chrome
laboratory thrown into glaring relief by а
fluorescent fixture.

Begin by changing the lighting. While
halogen designs aren’t a good idea in the
bath (too much moisture), warm incan-
descent works a lot better than cold
fluorescent. There’s also no reason you
can’t have more than one, An efficient
light over the sink can be complemented
by others near the tub and elsewhere.

And why does the building-supplied
medicine cabinet have to remain? It’s usu-
ally downright ugly. Further, if not inset,
why must it be above the sink? You can
find a dozen varieties of wall storage units
that can be hung anywhere there’s space,
to replace or complement the original. Per-
haps an antique oak cabinet to change the
mood of the bright-white box. Or, if you
have the floor space, move in a low-rise
chest of drawers and store towels and sun-
dries there. Open shelving units will work
just as well. Then, find a streamlined,

handsome mirror—maybe a snazzy art-
deconumber—and hang that over the sink.

As in the living and bedroom spaces,
don’t forget to personalize. Little things
do, indeed, mean a lot, Long-armed mir-
rors, well-designed accessories, the new
electronic clocks, scales and radios will
warm the cold white room. Small earthen-
ware jars or ceramic urns do the same
work as plastic and are just as moisture-
proof. Color helps—even if you feel right
only with matte black. Big, lush towels are
a lot more luxurious than postage-stamp-
size ones. It may sound like common
sense, but it’s easy to forget comfort.

Remember, rules are made to be bro-
ken. Nothing has to match—it just has to
look and feel good. And the bottom line is
this: It’s your home; make it a place to
come home to.

“Let’s eat Chinese.”

215

| Eventually you'll arrive at Finlandia.

N worlds finest vodka.
Аз

PILAY BOY

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT’S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING I1 HAPPEN

—LET THE GAMES BEGIN-AGAIN—

ghter-pilot tension, video-game cartridges are enjoy-

ing a revival that brings them out of the arcade and into

the home via two exciting entertainment systems. Sega

and Nintendo are truly the comeback kids of this comeback,
supplying the tools of the technology—a programmable

Е rom the heady world of Super Tennis to Top Gun-like

RE 29660
GEER 279kmh SY

robot, light-phaser video рип, brilliant color graphics and
arcade-quality joy sticks—that add simulation thrills to fantasy
fun in an industry that has bounced back more often than little
Mario in Donkey Kong. With Rocky, World Grand Prix and
Slalom waiting to be played, forget your quarters, turn on the
TV and load the cartridge. Pac-Man, we hardly knew ye.

‘Lon COUR
¿TOP CEPTS. is

Above is Hang On, a thrill-a-minute motorcycle game that comes with the Sega Master System, which includes a video gun and con-
trol pads, about $100. Below left is Sega's Choplifter, а hostage-rescue game Ollie North would love, $35. Nintendo's Entertainment
System includes a deck and controllers, a wireless programmable robot and a video gun, $140. Nintendo's The Legend oí Zelda
(below center) is a journey into swords and sorcery, $44, and its Pro Wrestling (below right) is mat mayhem at its best, $34.

HERS (BAS) 253
-

SUPERSHOPPING

Vendex Pacific's MultiTech WeatherBeater is a
compact water-resistant, hands-free telephone and
AM/FM radio that's designed to be mounted out-
doors by the pool or patio or even in the shower,
$49.95 in white or pink, and that price includes
a section of water-resistant telephone cable.

туше,
э
Lm m

Weather Beate. ——

The Munch-

kin Моде! R-3980,
Sharp's new .3-cubic-foot
microwave oven, is designed primarily for
the single urbanite who often eats frozen dinners, leftovers or

imeals and has a modicum of kitchen-counter cooking space to work with. It
features automatic defrost, one-minute key, two power settings and day/date
digital display. The R-3980 is available in red, yellow or white, $169.

The Eagle Rubbolver, technology's
answer to the thumb and forefinger,
is an 18%”-long mahogany six-
shooter that comes dis-
played in a velvet-lined
maple case equipped
with brass target and
rubber bands, from
Eagle West Enter-
prises, Santa Bar-
bara, Cali- Р.
fornia, e
$89.95. 4

/ Hé

Baby, it's cold outside,
and the unique temper-
alure-sensing strip on your

pair of Gore-Tex Thermo ski gloves. >
has changed from pink to blue. That's

the signal to save your fingers from
frostbite by slipping in the silver space-
age liners that come with the gloves, by
Roeckl, $100 the pair—and well worth it.

Cavallino. Rampante,
Ferraris prancing
horse, rears back in
stainless steel on its
base of American
black walnut that's
laser-engraved with
the legendary Ferrari
name. The desktop
work is a signed, num-
bered limited edition
that stands about six
inches high, from
Mascots Unlimited,
Naples, Florida, $495.

A sampling of cam-
corders (top to bottom):
JVC's GR-C11 VHS Video- Movie weighs
only 1.6 pounds and features a record-oniy one-
button-activated mechanism with a fixed-focus
lens and one-hour record time on VHS-C tape, $1149.
Canon's 8mm camcorder VM-E2 weighs only 3.5
pounds but packs the Canovision 8 punch in its small-
format taping capabilities, $1700. Zenith's nifty
M7100 verticalloading hi-fi stereo VideoMovie
camcorder will lie completely flat on a monitor or a
table, thus becoming a VCR that will play standard
VHS tapes for up to eight hours, about $1800.

“Winner Takes All," an ele-
gant lacquered box trimmed
with brass, concealsa game
board for backgammon
and checkers and comes
stocked with an array of
Perry Ellis toiletries
men, from the Perry Ellis
for Men Contemporary
Christmas Collection, $200.

For milord's bathroom,
there's the Cabnimere,
an adjustable defogged
mirror housed in a cabi-
net made of sennoki—
an Asian tropical wood
known for its resistance
to humidity. The Cabni-
mere's focusedlighting system is accented
with an antiqued-bronze interior, crossarm and
mirror mechanism. An outlet is conveniently located inside.
the walemounted unit, from Mergenthaler, Inc., Glenview, Illinois, $360.

STEVE CONWAY ANO JAMES IMBROGNO

® KERMAN| / GAMMA LIAISON

Hizzoner

The mayor of Carmel is a busy guy. From governing the locals to meet-
ing the Pope to owning a restaurant to playing golf, CLINT has most of.
his days already made. For you moviegoers, the mayor will put down
his gavel and start shooting in 1988.

Master rapper LL
COOL J got the
gold for his sec-
ond album, Big-
ger and Deffer,
and then hit the
road with the
Def Jam '87
tour. Says LL
about the fu-
ture, "There
hasn't been a rap
star yet... . There
will be .. . when one
of us is standing next
to Michael Jackson at
the Grammys, getting
just as many as he is.”

PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC.

Jamming with Lisa
Singer LISA VELEZ’ group, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam, shot up the
charts with its album Spanish Fly. A New Yorker, Lisa got her
start at the Fun House,where Madonna and Jellybean
Benitez used to hang out. She
has her own cult now.

Belly up
to the
Barre

Actor/dancer PATRICK
SWAYZE showed off
some of his best moves
in the recent movies
Dirty Dancing and Des-
ert Warrior. Look for
him again in the spring
release Tiger Warsaw,
with Fiper Laurie. Sway-
ze reminds us that slow
dancing has nothing to
do with the box step.

NANCY MORAN / SYGMA

-4

Getting Cured

ROBERT SMITH, lead singer for The Cure, has
по major worries. The band's album Kiss Me
Kiss Me Kiss Me went gold. The Cure’s North
‚American tour was a smash and the boys are
now giving Europe its chance to rave. So if
something's ailing you, save on your doctor
bills. Go for The Cure instead.

The Eyes Have It

Actress ARLENE JULIAN appeared
on the big screen in Mankillers and
on TV in The Young and the Restless.
Now she’s doing some man-killing їп
Grapevine. Don't look for clues. Ar-
lene gets away with murder.

Deck
the
Halls

Our season's greet-
ings come unwrapped,
of course. Actress
KAREN RUSSELL has
appeared in the mov-
ies Dragon Fly, Mod-
ern Girls and Hell
Bent. lí we were
naming things, we'd
call Karen heavenly
and raise a glass
to holiday cheer.

<
E

PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC

THE LONG AND
THE SHORT OF IT

Now, here’s a product whose
time has come: Safety
Shorts—unisex boxer shorts
that are snazzy enough to be
worn outdoors for recrcation
and functional enough to be
worn indoors to prevent pro-
crcation, because hidden in-
side the waistband is a pouch
containing a condom. “It
replaces the cold shower for
good, clean fun,” says the
manufacturer, Petracca Pro-
ductions, 473 Columbus
Avenue, New York 10024.
Just $18.95 sent to them will
get you a pair of shorts in
small, medium or large
and your choice of eye-pop-
ping polka dots, jazzy pat-
terns or solid colors. (The
shorts, we've been assured,
are also being stocked in
some of Manhattan’s trendi-
est boutiques; and they'll
soon be available in select
stores nationwide.) And a
percentage of the profits.
made from the sale of the
shorts goes to AIDS rescarch.

sizi

THE BUTLER DID IT

“Most messages on an answering machine are boring,” says British-born
Chris Sotnick, one of the founders of The Perfect Answer, a company at
416 Douglas Avenue, Dunedin, Florida 34698, that specializes in creating
personalized answering-machine tapes. A Shakespearean bard and an
Aussie who sounds like Paul Hogan are two of the 15 choices available,
but our favorite is the British butler who tells the caller, “You have
reached the [your name] residence. The master of the house is indis-
posed,” etc., just $19.95 for two selections, postpaid. The Perfect Answer

222 does custom tapes, too. Write for details

POTPOURRI

A WINTRY BREW

Samichlaus, a rich, full-bodied beer from
Switzerland that’s brewed only once a
year—on December sixth—and is re-
leased for sale the following October,
has just hit the stores. Before you pick up
a six-pack (for about $15), be warned
that these suds pack a mighty wallop:
about 13.7 percent alcohol. Phoenix Im-
ports Ltd. imports Samichlaus and you
can write to the company at 2925 Mont-
clair Drive, Baltimore 21043, for where-
to-buy info. Then put some away;
Samichlaus ages in the boule.

PUTTING BOND ON THE MAP

Like the Ernest Hemingway Adventure
Map of the World (August's Playboy
Potpourri), the 21" x 27" Ian Flemi
Thriller Map offers more than 100 locales
where James Bond dealt with Draconian
villains and luscious, lethal ladies—plus
such 007 iconography as his Aston Маг-
tin. All for $5.75, postpaid, sent to Aaron
Blake Publishers, 1800 South Robertson
Boulevard, Suite 130, Los Angeles 90035.
And for those of you whose tastes are
Victorian, a handsome Sherlock Holmes
map is available, too.

YUPPIE SLURP

“The Yuppie lifestyle requires
an esoteric refreshment to
match the occasion," says the
Rikki B. Company, and that's
why it's marketing Yuppiér
(pronounced Yup-c-a), caf-
fcine-free, sodium-free, calo-
rie-free ten-ounce bottled
water that comes in three
flavors: plain, cherry and.
vanilla. “Whether you're clos-
ing on a condo deal over the
cellular phonc in your BMW
or walking your Akita, nothing
attracts other Yuppies like
Yuppiér." And all for $9.50,
postpaid, a four-pack from
Rikki B., 2210 Wilshire Boule-
vard, Suite 654, Santa Monica,
California 90403. Drink up!

wd — «0
THE LITTLE COMPUTER ENGINE THAT COULD

Just runn

electric train around the Christmas tree used to be
enough to get your adrenaline flowing. Now Märklin. the Ge
company famous for its model trains, has introduced a new Di
HO Starter Train Set that can be operated with a home computer,
no less. For $965, you get two digital locomotives with rolling stock
two electric switches (and a decoder 10 operate them), the

control unit, a transformer and 18 feet of track. A call to 800-772
2490 will get you the name of a local dealer. Chug. Chug.

DREAM PIPES

The world's first pipe-smok-

and-collecting VHS video
pe, The Ultimate Pipe Video,
has just debuted, hosted by
Richard leton Hacker, the
author of The Ultimate Pipe
Book and The Christmas Pipe.
In it, Hacker gives a fireside
chat about the love and lure

of pipe smoking. Two versions
are available: а 60-minute
tape, which sells for $31.95,
and a 100-minute collector
edition that’s $4995. (Both
prices are postpaid.) Order
from Rick Hacker, P.O.

Вох 634, Beverly Hills.
California 90213.

BAUBLES, BANGLES AND BILLS

Pressman Toy Corporation has just introduced
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous—The Game, in
which would-be millionaires guess the cost of
items from six categories, including Posh
Playthings and Ghampagne Wishes and Caviar
Dreams. If that isn't enough to wean you from
Trivial Pursuit, Lifestyles also comes with brass-
plated markers, colorful gem stones, a leather-
look game mat and more. All for about $20 from
better game and department stores, of course,

BAREFOOT'S GIRLS
WITH CHEEKS OF TAN

To get all you gentlemen in the northern climes
through the long, cold winter, there’s California
G a four-color 24" x 36" poster on which are
reproduced no fewer than 30 bil bottoms being
worn by some of the West С. heekiest sun
. Barefoot Press, 1856-1 Cherry Road,
Maryland 21401. sells it for only $18,

CAFORNA GRIS

COMING NEXT: Anniversary issue
f w

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

Kings, 17 mg. "tar", 1.2 mg. nicotine; 100's, 17 mg. “таг”, 1.3 mg. nicotine; Lights
Kings, 10 mg. “tar”, 0.8 mg. nicotine; Lights 100°, 11 mg. "tar", 0.9 mg. nicotine;
Menthol Kings, 18 mg. “tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.

= = AlsoAvailablein |
Meigen &Menthol Te

Rich

CHARLES ТАМО НИЯ
LONDON. t

t бас
-——Ó CHARLES TANQUERAY &
LONDON. ENGLAND

ENGLAND + 10)

Even a perfectionist
needs alittle variety nowand then.

Tanqueray
Have at least one thing in your life thats absolutely perfect.

Send a gift of Tanqueray Gin anywhere in the U.S.A. Call 1-800-243-3787. Void where prohibited.
TANQUERAY* IMPORTED ENGLISH GIN, 100% GRAIN NEUTRAL SPIRITS, 94.6 PRODF, IMPORTED BY DISTILLERS SOMERSET, N.Y., М.Ү. ©1984

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