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HOLIDAY 
ANNIVERSARY 
SUE 


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PLAYBILL 


HAPPY YOU-RNOW-WHAT. We have much to look forward to in 1988. " 
Soon, the earth will cease to tremble with the shrill crash of 
falling Democrats. There are midseason network replacements, 
bow! games, elections. an entire new year of Playmates. Ah, but 
before we leap too precipitately ahead, lers take а look back. 
Remember the Sixties? Just about everyone has an opinion 
about that stormy blip on the time line that actually ended з 
time in the Seventies. To keep the debate afire, we've recrui 
some celebrated writers for The Sixties: A Reappraisal (illustrated 
by Peter Max and Marshall Arisman). While screen- and short-story 
writer Harlan Ellison, who has heen called the Lewis Carroll of the 
20th Century, hails the era as one of enlightenment, former Ram- 
parts editors Peter Collier and David Horowitz think that it was all a 
big mistake. They even blame the Sixties for the spread of AIDS. 
Maybe yes, maybe no: we do know that AIDS is a central fact of 
the present decade, and this month, in Panic їп the Sheets, Michael 
(The Andromeda Strain) Crichton views the affliction both as a 
doctor and as a bachelor. He thinks the crisis is twofold—the 
horrors of the disease are coupled with the problems of a society 

at has trouble with ў 
In recent years, we've often enjoyed going around twice. You 
(SERE Wait long enough and the person or phenomenon 
>, just like the Sixties (or Chuck Berry or The Honey- 
The (Hurrah!) Return of the 
authors, Bruce Jay Friedman who 


D 


ELLISON 


rcappe: 
mooners or diner food). Now, 
Miniskirt, one of our favori 
was there the first time—happily salutes America’s reclamation 
of that tiny treasure. Contributing Photographer Amy Freytag and 
West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski provided the, uh, leg- 
work on the accompanying pictorial. We get another look at a 
classic in Krazy Kat (illustrated by Everett Peck), an excerpt from 
Jay Cantor's upcoming book from Knopf. Here you'll really see 
what pops up when cartoon characters Krazy Kat and [gnaw 
Mouse discover sex. Gilding the fiction department this month FRIEDMAN 
ned fantasist Roald Dahl's The Surgeon and distinguished 
master of short fiction Andre Dubus’ The Curse (illustrated by Phyl- 
lis Bramson). Weighty stull, though no challenge to our brawny, 

brainy January Playboy Interview subject, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 
who reveals his hidden strengths to journalist Joan Goodman. 

Now's a good time of year to play catch-up, and here's how. 
Begin with The Best, our annual roundup of ultimates. For 
maximum déjà vu, peer into our annual Playmate Review. Read 
Playboy's College Basketball Preview, by Sports Editor Gary Cole, 
and you'll learn everything you need to get you through the 1988 
season; you'll also meet Shen Morris, the winner of our first Anson 
Mount Scholar/Athlete Award in basketball, given in honor of 
our late Sports Editor. I your passion is that other winter obses- 
sion, football, Herbert B. Livesey, in Ten-Point Spread, provides a 
game plan for hosting your own Super Bowl party, Then get a 
new perspective on the Russians’ latest fad—glasnost— from 
Andrew Tobias’ Quarterly Report, Russki Business. By the way. look 
for Tobias’ new book, The Only Other Investment Guide You'll 
Ever Need (Simon & Schuster), plus a new version of his cele- 
brated MEGA soltware program Managing Your Money, both 
just out. Meanwhile, cartoonist Rowland B. Wilson makes money 
funny in A Night at the Cash Machine. For 20 Questions, Dick Lochte 
talked with L.A. Laws peroxided prosecutor, Susan Dey. Max RT 
Headroom, another hot TV property, gets into leather in the per- 
son of his alter ego, Matt Frewer іп Max to the Max, by Fashion — Goonuan 
Editor Hollis Wayne. And we couldn't leave 1987 behind without a 
fond look at the PTL's Jim Bakker through the eyes of our very 
own Little Annie Fanny. 

Our February 1983 cover girl, Kim Basinger, has moved on to 
startling success in films. Obviously, it's time to take another 
look at this screen dream, so we've done so in this month's 
steamy pictorial Кип. And allow us to introduce another Kim— 
our 1988 lead-off Playmate, Kimberley Conrad. From the looks of 
things, we're anticipating a pretty exciting new year. We're 
happy that you're along for the ride. TOBIAS WILSON Loc 


DURUS 


Its better 


artriage. 
And = oe Е 


need apear tree. 


WILD 
TURKEY 


8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky. 


TO SEND A GIFT OF WILD TURKEY*/101 PROOF ANYWHERE" САЦ 1-800:CHEER UP “EXCEPT WHERE PRCHIBITED KENTUCKY STRAIGHT BOURBON WHSKEY ALC. BY VOL. 505% AUSTIN NICHOLS EISTILLINGCO, LAWRENCEBURG, KY © 1967 


s] ! CUP ¡de 


vol. 35, no.1—january 1988 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL...... 5 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY... n 
DEAR PLAYBOY... . 13 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS... 17 


SPORTS. . DAN JENKINS 32 


MEN. ASA BABER 34 
WOMEN... .. CYNTHIA HEIMEL 36 
AGAINST THE WIND . . CRAIG VETTER 37 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ......... Se 39 
DEAR PLAYMATES. ............................. : 43 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM. Жы тыз 45 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER—candid conversation... 55 
THE SURGEON-fiction . . ROALD DAHL 74 
KIM—pictorial .. . 78 


THE SIXTIES: A REAPPRAISAL 
PART ONE: GOOD RIDDANCE—essay . . . . DAVID HOROWITZ ond PETER COLLIER 86 
PART TWO: HAIL THE LIGHT—essay. . . HARLAN ELLISON 88 


THE BEST—compendium т 3 ларе и 92 
KRAZY KAT—fiction haut Reale Ал JAY CANTOR 100 
MAX TO THE МАХ (окоп. А HOLLIS WAYNE 108 
О САМАРА playboy's playmate of the month . . 112 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor 124 


++ ANDRE DUBUS 126 
. GARY COLE 128 


THE CURSE—fiction...-........ 
PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW sports. " 


THE (HURRAH!] RETURN 
OF THE MINISKIRT—pictorial................ essay by BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN 134 


PANIC IN THE SHEETS—article — -- MICHAEL CRICHTON 142 
PROVOCATIVE PERIOD PIECES—pictorial $ E Ea 144 


20 QUESTIONS: SUSAN DEY........... Um 148 
QUARTERLY REPORTS: RUSSKI BUSINESS—article ........ ANDREW TOBIAS 150 
A NIGHT AT THE CASH MACHINE—humor. vied ROWLAND B. WILSON 152 
PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW—pictorial 3552 154 
TEN-POINT SPREAD food ond drink .. . ло 2...2... HERBERT B. LIVESEY 166 
FAST FORWARD s қ sone 172 
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—satire. E HARVEY KURTZMAN ond WILL ELDER. 218 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE .................... а SER ee FEN 


COVER STORY The holidays are a time for puttin’ on the ritz, so this month's 
cover is decked out with a painting by artist Robert Hoppe, a legend for his 
glamorous art-deco cityscapes. Hoppe’s version of the high life, Playboy style, 
recalls the days of the Ziegfeld Follies, but his dramatic vision is timeless. If you 
can't find the Rabbit right away, we suggest you ask a friend to drive. 


Шем COMES: бту Әлен INSERT IN SELECTED PEANUT шаа SOUTHERN COUOT "asthe In PUDE METRO: м SUBSCRIPTION COMES. SOUTHERN CORFONT INSENT BETWEEN PAGES 
aede 1 


When the endofthe day 
is just the beginning, 


Jovan Evening Edition Musk. 


1987 Beecham Cosmetics Inc. 


Why pay cash for batteries 
when you can charge it? 


There's no limit to how much you can charge with Toshiba's new 
КТ.4097 personal stereo. Because it's rechargeable. It comes with long last- 
ing Ni-Cad p anda EET Add the wired remote control, 
auto-reverse, AM/FM stereo, Dolby*B NR, rat Я 
lightweight headphones and you'll agree, a ouch with Tomorrow 
Toshiba deserves a lot of credit TOSHIBA 


“ТМ Dolby Labs чыка» manca re B2 Totowa Роза Метс NI 07470 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
С. BARRY COLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor, PETER MOORE (s50- 
ciate editor; FICTION: ALICE к TURNER editor; 
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate. editor; WEST 
COAST: STEIHEN RANDALL editor, STAFF: GRETCH. 
EN EDGREN, PATRICIA PAPANGELIS (administra 
lion), DAVID STEVENS senior editors; WALTER Lowe 
IR. JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff wrilers; BRUCE 
KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN associate edi- 
dors; KANDI KLINE traffic coordinator; MODERN 
LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor; PHILLIP 
COOPER. assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; 
COPY: ARLENE BOURAS editor; JOYCE RUBIN assist 
ant editor; CAROLYN BROWNE, STEPHEN FORSLING, 
DEBRA HAMMOND, CAROL KEELEY, BARI NASH. 
MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDI- 
ТОВ: ASA BABER, E JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE GON 
ZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL, WILLIAM J HELMER. DAN 
JENKINS, D. KEITH MANO, REG POTTERTON, RON 
REAGAN, DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID 
SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies), 
SUSAN MARGOLIS WINTER, BILL ZEHME 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; RUCE HANSEN associate 
director; JOSEPH paczek. assistant director; DEBBIE 
KONG, ERIC SHROPSHIRE Junior directors; BILL BEN: 
WAY, DANIEL REED, ANN SEIDL art assisianls; BAR: 
БАБА HOFFMAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRAROWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEN, JAMES LARSON, 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO КОЗАК senior 
мају photographer; kerry мов staff photog- 
rapher; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY 
FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, DAVID МЕСЕУ, BYRON 
NEWMAN, STEPHEN vava contributing photogra- 
phers; sHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE Levert color lab 
supervisor; донх coss business manager 


PRODUCTION 

JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
ELEANORE WAGNER JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTSROLI. RITA JOHNSON assistants 


READER SERVICE 


CYNTHIA LACEYSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH direcior; BARBARA CUT 
director 


associate 


ADVERTISING 
MICHAEL T CARR advertising director; ZOE AQUILLA 
midwest manager; FRANK COLOXNO, ROBERT 
TRAMONDO group sales managers; JOHN PEASLEY 
direct response 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
yous a score president, publishing group; 
] P-TIMDOLMAN assistant publisher 
EILEEN KENT contracts administrator; MARCIA TER- 
FONES rights & permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


The Timex Carriage Collection 
gifts for men 


TOYOTA SUPRA 


| 
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‚Analog instruments monitor every 
rev. 8-way adjustable driver's 
| Sport Seat and optional glove-soft 
leather interior add even more 
luxury to Performance. 
| 
\ | powem | 
STRUCTURE. 


i c Good-bye crowd. Turbo- 
di A charged 3.0-Iiter twin cam 
2 | | 24-valve engine with inter- 
| = LEAVES: cooler generates 220 hp 
at 5600 rpm. 


- ІТ BEHIND. ү = 


Its an imposing presence. An eye-magnet. Butthe1988 Toyota | 
Supra Turbo is not simply for show. The low-slung aerodynamics 
separate it from the crowd, even at standstill. But the gap widens 
quickly when its electrifying turbocharged potency is released: Oto | 
60in а mere 87 seconds* And control is precise: race-bred double | 

— wishbone fully independent suspension; ventilated 4-wheel power | _ шн: AP m = 
disc brakes; optional Anti-Lock Braking System (A.B.S.). Toyota 1 | ч 
Supra—#1 in its segment in customer satisfaction** The crowd | | 

сап look but they can't touch it. | | ~. 


Get More From Life... Buckle Up! | » k 


"United States Auto Club Certified 


Performance Figures. 
1,0. Power & Associates 1987 Customer 
Satisfaction with Product Quality and T TA 


ааа основано) ne WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE! 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


in which we offer an insider’s look at what's doing and who's doing it 


HEF PUTS THE SQUEEZE ON “DREAM GIRLS” 


That's Patti McGuire Connors on Hef's right and Sondra Theodore and Car- 
rie Leigh on his left. What brought them all together was the most famous 
рајата party onthe West Coast, Midsummer Night's Dream at Playboy Man- 
sion West. Other well-known revelers included Michael J. Fox, Emilio 
Estevez, Christopher Penn, Shannon Tweed and Kiss’s Gene Simmons. 


BEAUTY AND THE BEASTS 


October 1987 Playmate Brandi Brandt visited 
the TKE fraternity house at California State 
University at Chico, our number-one party 
school—and, asexpected, she got one heck ofa 
welcome. These guys are proud. Go, Chico! 


BIG YUKS 
IN CHICAGO 


Actress/comic 
Marsha Warfield 
headtined 
Playboy's Windy 
City Comedy Blow- 
Out, which was 
taped for The 
Playboy Channel. 
Warfield and a 
cast of hot young 
comics played it 
strictly for laughs. 
If you missed it, 
don't despair; 
they will run it 
again in 1988. 


DONNA BRINGS 
HER SPECIAL CHEER 


Playmate of the Year Donna Edmondson visited 

patients at the Veterans Administration medical facility 

in Des Moines and caught some flak froma few prudish staff- 
ers. Said Donna, “I did what | wanted to do.... What other 
people think, that's their right to feel that way.” Then, with a 
smile, she went off to charm the vets and the rest of the staff. 


CHRISTIE 
HONORED 


Mortimer B. Zucker- 
man, chairman and ed- 
itor in chief of U.S. 
News & World Report, 
presented our Christie 
Hefner with the 1987 
Human Relations 
award from the Pub- 
lishers and Distribu- 
tors Division of the 
American Jewish Com- 
mittee. We're proud. 11 


THE MIGHTY 
RABBIT 


That's our famous 
logo painted on a 
German warship 
docked in Baltimore 
Harbor. Although the 
sign said, PHOTOGRAPH. 
IEREN VERBOTEN, Our in- 
trepid photographer 
risked all to capture 
the image in the in- 
terests of posterity. 


HISTORY 
HANGS IN THE 
BALANCE! 
Youdetermine 
the outcome of World 
Warll, asone of the 
world powers battling 


TEST YOUR SKILLS 
AGAINST THE GREATEST 


for supremacy! . 
ee 


INTRODUCING SHOGUN! 


To become Shogun you must perfect the art 
ofwar. Samurai, Ninja, and Daimyo warlords 
form your armies. You'll need strategy, 
secrecy, and diplomacy to conquer all 
enemies; Feudal Japan comesalive in the 
newest GAMEMASTER SERIES challenge. 


THIS TIME IT’S 
YOUR OWN 
BACK YARD! 


America isunder sie; 


game play! 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


KISSING COVERS 
Your October cover, featuring the emi- 
nently kissable face of October Playmate 
Brandi Brandt, is delicious, particular- 
ly after the "sophisticated" but some- 
what chilly August and September covers 
featuring Paulina Porizkova and Maryam 
d'Abo, respectively. A girl who looks like 
she wants to kiss is always a good subject for 
a Playboy cover, and 1 spe: 
subscriber who’s seen about 
Nat Stein 
New York, New York 


GENERAL PRINCIPLES 

In his Playboy Interview (October), Ma- 
jor General Richard Secord takes a num- 
ber of shots at me concerning references © 
him in my book Manhunt about the а 
ties, capture and conviction of the re 
CIA agent Edwin P. Wilson 

General Secord says that I had him by a 
pool at Wilson's Virginia estate, though, 
according to Secord, there was no pool. 
He reports a conversation with me in 
which he pointed this out and quotes me 
telling him, “Oh, that was just cosmet 

] want to apprise Playboy and. I trust, its 
readers that the conversation Secord соп- 
jured up never occurred. The reason is 
that J have never spoken with him in my 
life. Despite my best efforts, he refused to 
give me an interview. 

(By the way, the pool at Wilson’s not 
only was quite large and heated but boast- 
ed a waterfall.) 

Secord laughs off his alleged connection 
with a freight-lorwarding firm called 
EATSCO. He says that it is always “the 
recipient country's responsibility [in this 
case, Egypt's] to provide transportation” 
for military aid. But that’s what made the 
incident so special. In this instance, the 
Pentagon had an absolute say in wh 
company got the contract, since the U.S. 
Government had forked over in advance 
the cost of shipping arms to Egypt, up- 
wards of $70,000,000. 

Secord also says that my description of. 


his retirement from active duty after the 
EATSCO allair was completely “inaccu- 
rate.” But when this got to be a hot topic 
in public, Frank Carlucci, former Deputy 
Secretary of Defense, was quoted in an in- 
terview in The New York Times confirming 
my account. 

Secord accuses me of using the Iran/ 
Contra scandal as an opportunity to “mat- 
ket" Manhunt. The book, however, was 
published in April 1986 and was on the 
best-seller list of The New York Times 
months before any outsiders, including 
me, had ever heard of the fran/Contra 
business. 

Finally, Secord says that I “twisted 
around" his appearance at one of Wilson's 
trials and that he was actually testilying as 
a Government witness. The court tran- 
script clearly shows, however, that he was 
summoned to the stand by the defense. 

Possibly General Secord's most pressing. 
need is for a good ophthalmologist, in. 
more ways than опе. 

Peter Maas 
New York, New York 


As a Vietnam veteran and Army re- 
servist, I can appreciate General $ 


many patriotic actions; but his com 


disturb me and warrant comment. 

Гат in the freight-forwarding business 
and have been for many years. In order to 
be an ocean-freight forwarder in the Unit- 
cd States, a firm must be licensed by the 
Federal Maritime Commission. This organ- 
ization, as well as the U.S. Customs Sci 
icc, Department of Gommerce and other 
branches of our Government, monitors the 
activities of firms such as my own to help 
ensure compliance with Federal laws gov- 
crning the import or export of goods to 
and from our country. Commissions paid 
by steamship lines are published and are 
subject to audit by the FMC. Goods of 
high-tech capabilities or potential use in 
weapons systems require export 


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PLAYBOY 


la 


prior to shipment overscas, and these laws 
are obeyed every day by many honest ex- 
porters, freight forwarders and commer- 
cial carriers (both air and ocean) 

As in any profession, there are people 
who can and will use their influence and/ 
or personal contacts to make a profit in a 
dubious manner. The general may or may 
not have been involved with Edwin P. 
Wilson in his dealings with Libya, and his 
reported profits of $8,000,000 on the sale 
of arms to Iran may or may not have been 
illegal. However, he should be reminded of 
the old saying “Tell me who you associate 
with and I will tell you what you are.” 

(By the way, our company is not anoth- 
er Air America; we just happen to like the 
name Pentagon.) 

R. Michael Miller, Vice-President 

and General Manager 
Pentagon Freight Services, Inc 
Houston, Texas 


OH, DONNA! 
1 know some readers will write to say 
that your pictorial on Donna Mills (Oh, 
Donna!, Playboy, October) isn’t revealing 
enough, but as a longtime Donna Mills 
fan, 1 was delighted and relieved to see 
that she didn't reveal everything. Ma 
I'm old-fashioned, but I prefer that some 
things he left to the imagination when I'm 
at a woman whose personality 
makes my blood hot. Donna showed just 
enough to drive me to distraction. 
Gary Holmes 
Boston, Massachusetts 


CORRECTION 

Our December issue pictures an 
extraordinary watch, the Pasha de 
Cartier, and lists the price as $2400. 
Would that it were so. Add a zero, 
guys, We're awfully sorry. 


HOMOPHOBIA VS. HETEROPHOBIA 

Hooray for Asa Baber's Men column 
“Hitler's Dream" (Playboy, October). I'm 
a gay man who subscribes to Playboy be- 
cause I enj nc. I regret that 
more gay g that 
column, because Baber makes sume great 
points. There is a huge gap in commu 
tion between gay men and straight me 
and the majority of the blame lies with 
straight men; but gay men could do an 
awful lot that they're not doing because of 
their own heterophobia. Heterophobia is 
just as harmful as homophobia. 1 have too 
many gay friends who are at a loss in a 
straight crowd. Maybe they're intimidat- 
ed, but | think that's a cop-out. Have you 
ever tried to talk football in a gay bar? It's 


oy the maga: 
men won't 


bc rca: 


not a happy experience. You just get blown 
off (no pun intended) by guys who think 
this is just your way of appearing macho 
and heterosexual And God fürbid I 
should have a copy of Playboy lying on my 
coffee table when I have gay friends over. 


They think I'm just not facing reality 


Straight men and gay men aren't really 
all that diferent (much to the dismay of 
both). We all have egos, hang-ups and 
fears. Thanks, Asa, for giving us food for 
thought. 


(Name withheld by request) 
Wichita, Kansas 


Hitler's Dream 


As a constitu 


of Congressman Bar- 
ney Frank's, I take issue with Asa Ba- 
ber's Men column in the October Playboy. 

In an essay that purports to encourage a 
dialog between gay and straight males and 
condemns gay-bashing, Baber engages in a 
bit of gay-baiting himself. 

I suspect that sour grapes over having 
his interview request rejected induced 
Baber to attack Congressman Frank and 
to conclude that Frank's refusal to speak 
with Playboy (which Baber equated with a 
refusal to open a dialog between gays and 
straights) could contribute to the return of 
fascist leadership (in response to the issue 
of AIDS). 

It is my belief that Congressman 
Frank's personal activities are his own 
business. His refusal to be interviewed by 
Playboy doesn't mean that he's against 
open discussion between gay and straight 
males. 

Straight people have no idea how hard 
or how isolated life is for gays in or out of 
the closet. Frank showed great courage in 
his announcement of something that really 
business, and that, by itself, 
y-straight 


is none of ou 


is a 


step toward progress in ¢ 


relations. 
John Rosenfeld 
Newton, Massachusetts 


ALZHEIMER'S IS NO JOKE 

Vm writing in regard to your Party Joke 
on Alzheimer's disease in the October is- 
suc. My husband and I found no humor in 
this joke and felt that it was in very poor 
taste, 

My husband's father has this disease, 
and it has taken a toll on his entire family, 
especially his mother. Each day, we watch 
his father die slowly. I hope neither you 
nor anyone you care for ever suffers from 
Alzheimer’s. 


Mrs. Gerald T. Lane 

King, North Carolina 

We regret that some of our readers found 

the Party Joke offensive. Sometimes, іп at- 

templing to make light of deeply troubling 

situations, we inadvertently offend those who 

have a personal stake. Nothing, naturally, 
could be further from our intention. 


MEN ON WOMEN 
Cynthia Heimel’s Women column 

“Courtship” (Playbey, October) points up 
the reason men are reluctant to bare their 
souls to their romantic partners. Men real- 
ize that what they say will quickly be 
shared with a half dozen other women. 
When women learn to be more discreet, 
then they can reasonably expect men to be 
more open and honest with them. 

Paul Thiel 

Crescent Springs, Kentucky 


nthia Heimel's Women column in the 
»ptember Playboy, titled "Men Who Love 
foo Little," is by far the best of her many 
good essays and raises some painful and 
honest questions. 

Are men victims of our own supposed 
stoicism? Du we stay in destructive or cas- 
trating relationships because we don’t re- 
alize or won't admit the amount of damage 
being done to us? 

My only objection is to Heimel's title. E 
suspect that if the essay had been about 
women who have given up on romance, it 
would have borne a title such as “Women 
Who Have Been Hurt ‘Too Much." Being 
wounded to the point of not finding the 
whole enterprise worth the trouble is, in 
fact, what we're talking about. 

Scott Baltic 
(e zo, Illinois 


А NOTE TO OUR SUBSCRIBERS 

Many of you wrote or called to 
complain that you received your 
November issue late. The volume of 
material involved in Jessica Hahn's 
story forced us to take extra time 
in the editing and research process 
As a result, we were late deliver- 
ing copy to our presses and to the 
bindery. We prize our subscribers 
and regret the delayed delivery of 
your copies, Please accept our 
apologies, —The Editors 


ES 


XERYUS FORMEN 


GIVENCHY 


EAU DE TOILETTE 


VEIN GE I 


PARFUMS 


olabmingooles 


From our family to yours, 
the happiest of holidays. And nights. 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


YIKES: ACRONYMS 


First there were Yuppies (young urban 
professionals), then Buppies (black urban 
professionals). Now there are OINKs (one 
income, no kids) and DINKs (double in- 
come, no kids). It appears that this cutesy 
acronymic stereotyping (CASTing) by 
Madison Avenue dolts (MADS) may never 
end. So we've expanded the concept to in- 


dude even more demographic groups of 


the Eighties. Try these: 

PINKs—private income, no kids; 
LINCs—low income, nine cats; NINKs— 
nine kids; DUDs— 
demographically undesirable! divorcees: 
PODs—punks on dope; YAMs—young 
assholes on mopeds; SLIFs—still living in 
the Fifties; SLITs—still living in the Six- 
tics; SHITS—suburban heterosexuals in 
town to swing. 

CANITS— corporate animals, no talent; 
SIMPs—sexually inactive male prol 
sionals; MIDGETS— mentally inferior 
divorced guys expecting terrific sex; 
TOADs—iennis-obsessed advanced-de- 
grec holders; RUGs—rich ugly guys; 
DRUGs— dumb rich ugly guys; SACs 
Sixties acid casualties; SIPS—single-in- 
come pot smokers; DORKs—damned 
Republican know-it-alls; 
former drug abusers; YANKs— 
young assholes, no kids; NERDs—nerv- 
ous evangelicals, recently defrocked; 
S.O.B.—son of the boss; C.P.A.—car- 
phone asshole; WIGGs—women into gay 
guys; BICEPs—bisexual college-cducated 
professionals, A.W.O.L.s—always work- 
ing out at lunchtime; SLIMEs—single 
lawyers into money and exercise; RAM- 
BOs—right-wingers afraid of Mexicans, 
blacks and Orientals. 


no income, 


overpaid 
FDAs 


FOREVER ELVIS 


With the hoopla surrounding the tenth 
anniversary of Elvis’ death, have you, like 
us, been wondering, But what has he done 
lately? Plenty, say an impr 
of Americans who claim to have been in 
contact with the departed king of rock "n* 
roll. Judging from their reports in an eye- 


number 


opening tome titled Elvis After Life by 
Raymond A. Moody, Jr., M.D., it would 
seem that in the ten years since his death, 
a busy Elvis has taken over a little boy's 
body, hitchhiked to Memphis to visit 
Momma and Daddy and helped an un- 
married woman deliver her baby, among 
other achievements. Dr. Moody assesses 
each incident reported and often ascribes 
its cause to a rare medical condition. By 
book’s end, however, he has decided that 
vis’ spiritual visits are nothing but the 
reactions of restive fans who can’t accept 
his death, Hmmm—we'd say that Elvis" 
record company would understand, given 
the vast number of Presley albums reis- 
sued since his death. Long live the king, 


ELECTRICITY COSTS LESS TODAY 


"Tony Schwartz writes in Media Industry 
Neusletter, “While walking down a busy 
New York City sidewalk, Î came upon a 
lamppost with its base plate removed. In 
front of the lamppost was a TV set 
plugged into the base of the lamp. Three 
homeless people sat around the set on old 


discarded chairs, watching the program 
intently.” What was the viewers" pro- 
graming choice? Dallas. 


МЕШ 


Ме hear that a video store in Los Ange- 
les is selling, for $7.95, a 60-minute video 
tape titled The Wit and Wisdom of Ronald 
Reagan. It’s blank 


ONE BUMPER. . . 


A reader spotted this bumper-sticker 
slogan amid a paralyzed Houston traffic 
Jam: rD RATHER BE DRIVING. 


. TO ANOTHER 


And in West Germany, therapists and 
nurses have united to form motorcycle 
teams of traffic-jam advisors. When mo- 
torists trapped in traffic jams begin to pan- 
ic, the volunteers appear at their side to 
measure blood pressure, take their pulse 
and provide a few words of comfort. Now, 
if only these Mother Teresas of the high- 
way could go to work in L. 
drivers arc not only dangerous but armed. 


—where 


LOVE STORY 


Chicago Bear Steve McMichael is right- 
fully proud of his wife, Debra, the current 
McMichacl 
lost the Mrs. America pageant, her most 
loyal fan minced no words. “They picked 
girls I wouldn't pick up in a bar if I were 
single,” groused the defensive tackle, who 
uggested that the judges of the pageant 
drinks and Thanks, 
Steve; now we know that chivalry is not 
dead, but it's probably not judging beauty 
contests, cither 


Mrs. Illinois. So, when Mrs. 


ke five vote.” 


LOVE STORY II 


Since one of the Eighties’ most popular 
fads is pregnancy, here’s a new twist on 
the subject: Women over 40 are more likely 
to give birth to healthy babies than are 
women of 25, says Park Avenue gyne- 
cologist Dr. Niels Laucrson in Sexuality 


17 


18 


RAW 


about such an agre 
ble man, but it was 
sinful that Ronald 
Reagan ever bee 
President. But... let 
me give him his due 
He would have made 
a hell of a king." — 
Tip O'Neill, in Man 
of the House. 


PLASTIC MONEY 


Average amount 
charged by Аша 

month 
ards: 5115. 


cans р 


credi 


39-21-: 


591.3 billion dollars 
. 

Number of autom 
chines (A.T.M.5) in the U 
more than 68,000. 

E 

Percentage of banks that use 
A.T.M.s: 80. 


mäa- 
ed States: 


. 
Total number of bank cards issued to 
operate A.T.M.s: 157,000,000. 
. 


Percentage of Ame n cardhold 
who actually use A.T.M.s: 33. 
. 
Total amount of money the latest- 
model A.T.M. can hold: $258,000 
. 
Percentage of the time an ¢ 
ош of order: five 
. 
Average cost to the bank of cach 
АТ.М. transaction: 66 cents. 
. 
cost to the bank of each 
action: 90 cents to 51.20. 


AM. is 


Ave 
teller tran 


THE PITS 


Percentage of pit-bull terriers in che 
United States’ dog population: two. 

. 
mber of peuple killed by dog bites 
since 1983: 28, 


. 
Number of deaths for which pit bulls 


a FACT OF THE MONTH 


DATA 


were responsible: 20 
Kinds of dogs thai 
bite people more of 
ten Шап pit bulls: 
German shepherds 
Labrador retrievers 


and mongrel 
. 


of dogs 
re worse 


cocker spaniels, Ger- 
man shepherds and 
Rotwweilers. 


THOSE WERE 
THE DAYS 
Average hourly pay 


in 1956 (in 1986 dol- 
56.80: 1986, 


Total If Barbie doll's proportion 
credit were applied to а real woman, " 
the United States: her measurements would be | 


th of time 
k in 
order to: 

Buy а man’s si 
in 1986, 30 hours. 


. 
Pay for annual car insurance in 1956, 
33.6 hours: in 1986, 50.3 hours. 


. 
Buy a six-pack of beer in 1956, 39 
minutes: in 1986, 21 minutes. 
. 
Get a haircut at a barbershop in 
1956, 46 minutes; in 1986, 39 minutes. 


BRIEF IMBALANCE 


Number of lawyers per 100,000 pec 
ple in the U.S., 279; in Japan, 11. 
. 


Ше US, 
362,000. 


pp-carning entertainers in U.S. i 
male, Bill Cosby (357,000,000); 
female, Madonna ($26,000,000). 


13,200,000; 


Highest-paid U.S. employee in 1986 
Lec lacocca, Chrysler Corporation, 
523,600,000 (includes salary, bonus. 
stock and stock options) 

. 

Top price for paperback rights to a 
first novel: $3,000,000 for Scott Turow’s 
Presumed Innocent (Warner). 


Today. More Big Chill-gencration brava- 
do? Nope; it turns out that older women 
take better care of themselves, are better 
read, want their babies more and general- 
ly receive more thorough prenatal testing 
because of their age 


PARTY, PARTY 


The rage these days in L.A.—at least 
for some phone freaks—is the party line. 
Party lines are advertised in some of the 
town’s racier tabloids as well as in the 
classified section of the more sedate L.A. 
Times. The way it works is that you calla 
976 number and for a two-dollar fee (plus 
tolls) are hooked up to a conference line 
for about three minutes. Supposedly, the 
good times just roll: hot dates. lustful chat- 
ter, you name it. Well, we called one of the 
town’s more torrid party lines on 
urday night, and guess what? It ain’t no 
party. 

It's more like group therapy for three, 
four or five horny guys looking for dates. 
"There were Tom, a supposed rock musi- 
cian from the Valley, and Tony, a sailor 
who was a bit drunk and said he was from 
Australia, and Howard, a guy from Rich- 
mond, Virginia, who should have been 
drunk. 

Presiding over the lively group was a 
39-year-old woman who said her name 
was Teri. Teri screens the calls and serves 
as a kind of ad hoc shrink. “Hi, how ya 
doing?" she coos. “You have a real nice 
voice.” Teri says she’s worked for the party 
line for five months, several times a week 
for eight-hour shifts (she wouldn’t tell us 
her hourly salary). 

“More women are calling, but I'd say 
that boys outnumber girls ten to onc,” 
Teri giggled. “There are a lot of horny 
dogs out there 

“On busy nights, we get 200 to 300 
calls. Гуе had people call five to seven 
hours at a time. The compulsion is pretty 
amazing. Some people are just lonely and 
some just have money to spend.” 

Teri says that a few customers have 
found dates through the party line. (“It's 
better than mecting somebody in a bar,” 
she boasts.) We asked her what was the 
biggest bill that anybody had run up. 

Four thousand dollars. 

What? 

“He's a businessman who travels a lot. I 
guess he's lonely.” 

It was time to hang up. 


THE WEIRD, THE WONDERFUL 

А 340-pound convicted killer, executed 
in Georgia after a last meal that included 
a half gallon of black-cherry ice cream, 
cursed the chairman of the pardons-and- 
paroles board, which had rejected his bid 
for demency: “Wayne Snow 
redeeming qualities. The only th 
to say to Wayne Snow is, ‘Kiss my ass. 
We thought consistency was at least some- 
what redeeming. Oh, well. 


© 1907.4, REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


— —— — — nm iF 


Real people .. 77.‏ مت 
ў. wantrealtaste.‏ | 
A Winston.‏ 
Wega im. m — as‏ 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. SMOOTH RICH TASTE 


1 


Theyall back memor 
But with the Sony, there 


You were just playing a your turn at bat. And Timmy the 
game. But, somehow, it was center fielder with therifle-shot 
much more to you It wasa arm who could throw a guy outat 
place to learn. To grow. And, homeplate. Or Ralphy theonly 
most of all, to make friends. catcher whocould put away a 


Fnendslike Little "D", the whole candy barbetweenpitches. 


shortstop who would make you Some of these guys still stick 
laughso hard, you'dforgetitwas ^ outin your mind like it was yes- 


terday. But you strike out trying 
to remember others. If only 
you'd had the Sony Handycam” 
video camcorder. Then, you 
could have treated your memory 
t portability 
would have kept up with the wild 


es of your old baseball pals. 


wont be a single error. 


triple play your pals made in the 
championship game. Autofocus 
could have kept the action per- 
fectly clear. And high-fidelity 
sound would have captured all 
of the cheers. 

Add the precision of its zoom 
lens. An exclusive digital super- 


imposer for special titlesand 
effects. And a design so easy 
to use, you can play back in 
the field or on any TV 

‘Today your son is playing 
ball. So its crucial to choose a 
video camera that stands for un- 
compromising quality. One you 


‘Sony Corp: 


can trust. One that never throws 
your son a curve when he sits 
down to relive his old games. 

The Sony Handycam. Its 
everything you want to remember. 


SONY. 


THE ONE AND ONLY. 


оп of America. Sony Handycam and The One and Only are trademarks of Sony 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


‘THE PROBLEM in any fair appraisal of Gaby — 
A True Story (Tri-Star) is describing this 
unique and unforgettable film experience 
without making moviegoers run the other 


la Brimmer, a ee au- 
ee victim of cerebral palsy, 
now 40ish and living in Mexico, Gaby is 
no disease-of-the-week TV tearjerker. Liv 
Ullmann and Robert Loggia, both excel- 
lent as the heroine's Jewish-immigrant 
parents, are ultimately overshadowed by 
Argentine actress Norma Aleandro, as the 
loyal and perceptive family maid, Floren- 
cia. It is her devotion that saves the 
speechless, uncontrollable child from 
stitutionalized oblivion, Alcandro is great; 
ditto Rachel Leyin, infusing the grown-up 
Gaby with astonishing force and feeling 
She is a fierce young woman who will not 
give up her fight to be as well educated, 
self-sufficient and whole as any “normal” 
person. In one wrenching scene, Gaby and 
her best friend from a school for the handi- 
capped, a sensitive boy named Fernando 
(Lawrence Monoson), struggle out of their 
clothes and out of their wheelchairs to 
make love on the foor—a moment of need 
so poignant that Gaby’s mother (Ull- 
mann), discovering them, simply sucks in 


both Levin and Чел are actors 
lating the physical and emotional angı 
of palsy. They colleagues, 
perform at a level of conviction that lifts 
Gaby above bathos into orbit with sucl 
spirational movie dassics as The Miracle 
Worker. WI Ya 


. 

In tandem with Jean de Florette, released 
last summer, Manon of the Spring (Orion 
Classics) brings French writer-director 
Claude Berri’s two-part masterpiece to a 
powerful and dramatically satisfying con- 
clusion. However, do not see Manon be- 
fore experiencing Jean, which revives the 
grand classic tradition of French cinema 
with a hypnotic story of greed, fate and 
human folly in rural Provence. In both 
films, Yves Montand and Daniel Auteuil 
give biting, bone-decp performances as the 
dreadful Soubeyrans, uncle and nephew, 
who have driven the gentle hunchback 
Jean de Florette (Gérard Depardieu) to his 
death by maliciously capping a well on his 
parched farm. Manon begins with Jean's 
daughter (played by Emmanuelle Béart, a 
breath-taking blonde wraith) as a fey 
shepherdess, cheated of her rightful inher- 
itance, who wreaks a perfect vengeance on 
the Soubeyrans and other mean-spirited 
adaptation 
5 exquisite 
old-fashioned, back-to-basics drama for 
audiences hungry to wallow in the kind of 


in 
of a novel by Marcel Pagnol 


Gaby's Ullmann, Aleandro. 


Gérard Depardieu in a new 
masterpiece; more British drollery 
from Stephen Frears. 


movie theyjust don't make anymore. When 

they do, it takes two, but the cumulative 

efect is devastating. Join the lines. ¥¥¥¥¥ 
. 

An idealistic assistant Ю.А. (Michael 
Bichn) is as еа to prosecute a dement- 
са, sadistic serial killer (Alex McArthur) 
in Rampage (De Laurenti The attor- 
ney’s double challenge is to overcome his 
personal opposition to capital punishment 
and to demand the death penalty by prov- 
ing the sanity ofa defendant he clearly be- 
lieves to be raving mad. Writer-director 
William Friedkm complicates this some- 
what schematic, talky drama about the 
pros and cons of an insanity plea by intro- 
ducing a subplot about the public defend- 
ers troubled marriage and the tragic 
death of his own child. Rampage works 
best on the gut level that Friedkin under- 
stands well, with promising newcomer 
McArthur (he was the lusty hunk in Ma- 
donna's Papa Don't Preach video) ar the 
center of a socko thriller using wanton 
murder and hideous mutilation to make 
ce squirm. Squirm you will 
and maybe sneak out for popcom during 
the lengthy courtroom debates. VV 


аш 


. 

Being born again is the theme of Made in 
Heaven (Lorimar), a somewhat precious 
romantic comedy co-starring Kelly Mc- 
is and Timothy Hutton. Following his 
accidental death, they actually meet in 
and fall in love, but she's an 
unassigned soul who's got a whole new life 


on carth ahead of her, sce? So he pleads to 
be reincarnated as another person, who 
will have to take his chances on finding 
and recognizing the girl of his dreams. 
Well, now, how do you suppose this made- 
in-heaven match turns out? Fortunately, 
McGillis and Hutton are a charismatic 
pair, and director Alan Rudolph gives 
some edge to a tale that could easily have 
become more cloying than charming. All 
hands wind up on safe ground with a m 
palatable entertainment that probably 
sounds like hell in summary. ҰҰУ; 
. 

Sexual content is overwhelmed by social 
comment in Sammy and Rosie Get Laid 
(Cinecom), a diffuse late bulletin on the 
status quo in Britain from director 
Stephen Frears (My Beautiful Laundretie 
and Prick Up Your Ears were his previous 
black comedies). Frears is a find among 
film makers, for sure; yet Sammy and Rosie 
lacks the improvisational cheekiness of 
Laundrette, his earlier collaboration with 
writer Hanif Kureishi. We're back again 
on the seamy side of London, where Sam- 
my, a young Pakistani accountant (Ayub 
Khan Din), and his wife, Rosie (Frances 
Barber), are enjoying a punk-bohemian 
existence when his father (Shashi Kapoor) 
returns from the old country. Turns out 
that Dad was an infamous political tyrant 
back home, now haunted by his past but 
horrified by the tawdry London scene. 
Race riots, revolution and general malaise 
are the backdrop for an assured but cy 
cal sex comedy that sends Sammy and 
Rosie philandering with random partners 
while Sammy's father beds the old flame 
(Claire Bloom) he abandoned during his 
quest for power. The real subject here is 
the sad decline of damn near everything. 
Asked “Why do you live in this country?” 
Sammy’s favorite extramarital lay tersely 
replies, “It’s so photogci So is the 
movie, though Frears keeps his doggedly 
witty characters talking so much about so- 
cicty's ills that their fun and games in bed 
sccm almost parenthetical. УУЗ 

б 

Something alien is getting into people in 
The Hidden (New Line), a shocker with a 
nice twist or two. Michael Nouri plays an 
L.A. detective, resisting the assistance of 
Kyle MacLachlan as a strange being who 
claims to be with the FBI but probably 
isn't. Director Jack Sholder shows his mas- 
tery of the chase while running down clues 
in an cerily concocted case—all about a 
malcvolent presence taking over the bod- 
ies of businessmen, of cops, even that of a 
voluptuous stripper (Claudia Christian). 
This spook show is mostly ham on wry, 
ith a minimum of stomach-churning spe- 
cial effects. ¥¥ 


. 
In Weeds (De Laurentiis), Nick Nolte 
has the kind of man-sized part he’s been 


JOHN WAYNE ДУ 


AMERICAN 


The Wayne family authorizes a classic— 
to honor the man and the country he loved 


THE JOHN WAYNE 


5 


Richly grained hardwood wall rack is fitted with solid brass pistol mounts and enameled insignia of all five 
American military services, Shown smaller than actual size of 14-1/4 x 12-9167 


HE WAS ONE OF A KIND. 

Loved and respected around the 
world as the symbol of America at its 
very best. 

In more than 150 films, from Sands 
of Iwo Jima to The Green Berets to The 
Longest Day, he captured our essence. 
Our strength. Our values. Our deep 
sense of purpose. 

In 1979, he became one of the few 
Americans ever to be awarded a 
Congressional Gold Medal for service 
to the nation. 

And now, to mark the 60th 
anniversary of his first film role, John 
Wayne’s family has authorized a 
dramatic new tribute. A precisely 
detailed re-creation of the .45-caliber 
automatic ied in all those 


allows neither the E nor 
ng of ammun 
‚And it, 100, îs one of a kind. To be 
forever distinguished by your personal 
serial number. 
Celebrate the legend. Enter your 
order by January 31s 


Your replica will bear both John Wayne's signature and 
your own personalized JW’ serial number, 


JOHN WAYNE'S .45 
Please mail by January 31, 1988. 


The Franklin Mint 
Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091 
Plesse enter my order for The John Wayne 
Armed Forces Commemorative .45. 

T need send no payment now. I will be 
notified when my 
bered, non-firing is ready and 
will be billed at that time for my deposit of 
$79." 1 will then be invoiced for the bal- 
ance, al four equal monthly 
installments h. 

*Рих ту state sales tax 

Signature 


Please allow 410 6 weeks from date shown above for shipment 


19 


PLAYBOY 


needing to test and burnish his talent 
‘That title, nought to do with a bumper 
crop of marijuana, refers to society's out- 
casts as wceds nurtured on drugs, crime 
and antisocial instincts. Nolte is both 
tough and vulnerable as Lee Umstetter, at 
first a semiliterate, suicidal convict sen- 
tenced to life in San Quentin, who eventu- 
ally wins his freedom by writing and 
performing with fellow prisoners in a play 
he has cribbed from Jean Genet and Saul 
Bellow. Although fictional, Nolte's charac- 
ter was inspired by writer-actor and ex- 
con Rick Cluchey, whose own redemption 
through dramatizing penitentiary life 
gives a wallop of home truth to Weeds. The 
screenplay, by director John Hancock and 
his wife, Dorothy Tristan, occasionally 
strays into the realm of let’s-get-together- 
and-put-on-a-show clichés, but pure savvy 
and ballsy black humor make it work. 
Nolte’s ex-con entrepreneur is freed 
through the efforts of a San Francisco jour- 
nalist (Rita Taggart, exuding womanly 
warmth) on the “food and drama” beat. 
He then recruits a former pimp, a flasher, 
sundry thieves and miscreants to take his 
play on tour, with jailbird groupies latch- 
ing on from town to town. The troupe 
earns national prominence after one per- 
formance for restive prisoners incites а ri- 
ot. In Nolte's ace supporting cast, John 
Toles-Bey is a real discovery as Nava 
pimp turned actor, with a super mob of 
second bananas headed by Joc М 
Mark Ralston; Emie Fadson БП Рог- 
sythe and J. J. Johnson (himself a re- 
formed felon). Rank this wayward Weeds 
one-of-a-kind, rowdy gutter poetry that 
rattles the bars like no prison drama in a 
long, long time. ¥¥¥ 
. 

Made in 1979 and long delayed by legal 
wrangling, Absolution (Trans World) stars 
the late Richard Burton at his brilliant 
best in a suspense drama about a school- 
master priest driven to madness and mur- 
der by two malicious students. Dominic 
Guard and Dai Bradley play the cum 
teenagers who exploit the priest's latent 
homosexual guilt in order to destroy him. 
Playwright Anthony (Sleuth) Shaffer's 
wickedly irreverent screenplay, directed 
by Anthony Page, depicts the awful 
of rigid d ne and sexual repress 
a British boys’ school, though the story is 
reportedly based on an incident that oc- 
curred in Germany. Heavily atmospheric 
Absolution plays like a cold, wet weekend 
in the country, warmed up by Burton's 
performance as a tortured churchman 
whose faith turns to ashes. ¥¥¥ 

. 

It would be hard to improve on Bas- 
tards as the name of a smart London 
restaurant with a chic and trendy clientel 
"That's the most inspired joke to be found 
anywhere in Eat the Rich (New Line), an act 


Nolte, Johnson doing showtime in Weeds. 


Richard Burton in his final triumph; 
Nick Nolte in jail; Brian Dennehy 
Bellys up in Rome. 


of cinematic terrorism devised by some 
British wags who first transformed the 
low-jinks of a punk comedy troupe called 
‘The Comic Strip into a hit T his 
group is conscientiously outrageous but, 
unlikc Monty Python, demonstrates that 
it's possible to be very far out without be- 
ing especially funny. The plot concems a 
gang of anarchists who kill all the cus- 
tomers at Bastards—where baby panda is 
a specialty—and reopen with a menu fea- 
turing human flesh. “Good grief, these 
people are cating their way through 
the jet set,” - Thats the 
next-best gag in a heap of Comic S 
humor that sccms to have gott 
dialog balloons deflated while crossing the 
Atlantic. Y 


someone observ 


n dts 


. 

If there were a booby prize for the best 
actor shackled to a bad movie, my vote 
would go to Brian Dennchy in The Belly of 
an Architect (Hemdale). He's literally belly 
up and bare-bellied as a celebrated archi- 
tect, preparing an arty exhibition in Rome 
and dying of stomach cancer while his 
pregnant wife (Chloé Webb) 
an obnoxious colleague 
(Lambert Wilson). Belly scores only as a 
guided tour of some spectacular Roman 
monuments. The dialog, highbrow to a 
fault, makes an mer like Den- 
nehy look like 
hill. Push comes to shove with Webb and 
Wilson, who simply let dizir lines go thud 
Let's exonerate the cast, though, since 
writer-director Peter Greenaway assumes 
full credit for a fiasco to match one of the 
sappiest film titles of all time. Y 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Absolution (See review) Ch for 
Richard Burton's last hurrah. vv 
Borfly (Reviewed 12/87) Dunaway and 
Rourke good to the last drop. vor 
The Belly of an Architect (Sce review) Not 
a gas, just badly bloated 

Cry Freedom (12/87) A timely 
enthrallii 


escape drama set in South 


Alrica—with Kevin Kline www 
Dancers (12/87) Saved by Baryshnikov 
and a dynamic filmed Giselle. — ¥¥% 


Dork Eyes (12/87) Bittersweet romance 
with Mastroianni at his best. ¥¥¥ 
Eat the Rich (Sec review) Slim pick- 
in’ compared with a Monty Python re- 
run. ¥ 
Fatal Attraction (12/87) A Close encoun- 
ter to give you goose bumps. Ww 
Full Metal Jacket (10/87) The Vietnam 
fiasco according to Kubrick. vvv 
СоЬу—А True Story (Sce revicw) OK, get 
out your handkerchiefs ww 
The Hidden (Sce review) No body knows 
the trouble it’s gonna see уу 
Hope and Glory (11/87) Boorman looks 
back at Britain in the blitz. Wy 
House of Games (11/87) A classic scam, 
deftly written but oddly misdirected by 
playwright David Mamet. 
Jeon de Florette (8/87) and Manon of the 
Spring (Sec review) Matched up, an au- 
thentic French masterw 


ts Hutton for soul mating. 
Maurice (11/87) Exquisite closet dr 
from E. M. Forster novel about t 
young and gay in jolly England. 
Orphans (11/87) Albert Finney's tour- 
de-force performance sets the tone ol a 
hypnotic play, fine on film. ww 
The Princess Bride (12/87) Fairy-tale fun 


concocted by Rob Reiner. EI 
Rampage (See review) Psycho killer 
cops an insanity plea. Chilling. — ¥¥ 


Sammy and Rosie Get Laid (Scc review) 
After 1001 words of foreplay. WY 
Shy People (12/87) Except for Barbara 
Hershey, bad news from the bayou. Y 
Siesta (12/87) Nap time, on a glum holi- 
day in Spain with Ellen Barkin. Y 
Slam Dance (11/87) Bad girl's murder 
brings Нисе down to headquarters. YY 
Someone to Watch over Me (Listed only) 
Quiet cop meets woman in jeopardy. YY 
Stocking (11/87) Christine Lahti, in the 
field for another haymaker. xy 
Weeds (Sce review) Nolte in the jug 
with jailbirds taking bows. yey 
The Whales of August (12/87) Senior-citi- 
zen stars Gish and Davis, alive and well 
and still spouting. БЫЛ 


ҰҰҰҰҰ Outstanding 
ҰҰҰҰ Don't miss YY Worth a look. 
ҰҰҰ Good show Y Forget it 


DAVE MARSH 


coxcriven or by Jimmy Томіпе? wife, 
Playmate Vicki McCarty, as a fund raiser 
for Special Olympics International, A Very 
Special Christmas (A&M) is the best rock- 
"n-roll Christmas album since Phil 
Spector's 1963 A Christmas Gifl to You. Pro- 
ducer Iovine (who has worked as a Spec- 
tor engineer) assembled an all-star cast 
and deployed it to maximum advantage. 
Not only are the performers. perfectly 
matched to the material but there's a unity 
to the entire LP, cpitomized by the nerv 
juxtaposition of Whitney Houston's ease- 
ful Gospel on Do You Hear What I Hear 
with Bruce Springsteen's struggling soul- 
fulness on Merry Christmas Baby. 

Mostly, this is a batch of superstars hav- 
ing fun: The Pointer Sisters romp through 
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town; Chrissie 
Hynde and John Mellencamp put their 
kids to work on Have Yourself a Merry Lit- 
tle Christmas and I Saw Mommy Kissing 
Santa Claus, Bryan Adams blasts Chuck 
"s Run Rudolph Run. But at the top 
ide two, the record takes a creative leap 
with the only original number on the al- 
bum: Christmas in Hollis, a seasonal fable 
by Run-DMC. 105 followed by 1125 
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home), which 
manages to do something special with a 
Darlene Love masterpiéce by adding one 
of the Edgc's greatest guitar parts ever. 
Madonna’s Santa Baby rests on a brilliant- 
ly parodistic Fifties arrangement that so 
perfectly conforms to the cartoon version 
of her image that you'd never know that 
the tune was once a hit for Eartha Kitt. 
Bon Jovi performs an all-but-unrecogniz 
on of Clarence Сапег” lascivi 
ties soul novelty Back Door Santa, 
and Stevie Nicks ends the LP with an сх- 
tended folkish Silent Night (Robbie Nevil 
fills in the Lindsey Buckingham bits) that 
sounds as if she’s finally found the song 
she was born to sing. If I were you, Га 
spring for the CD—it won't wear out and 
you'll be listening to this every Christmas 
from now on. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Mick Jagger has been projecting the 
ırker Midnight Rambler / Jumpin’ Jack 
Flash side of his persona for so many years 
now that the shift to a more vulnerable, 
sensitive Mick evidenced on his second 
solo album, Primitive Cool (Columbia), 
rings a bit hollow. It's not that you doubt 
his sincerity as he confesses his doubts, 
fears and hopes about relationships, aging 
and the arms race. But he hasn't figured 
out yet how to project his dynamic energy 
through the good Mick. Musically, those 
“nasty,” scrappy Stones rhythms have 
been replaced by Jel Beck and G. E. 
Smith's big, fat Bon Jovi-style power 


Music by lovine; concept by McCarty. 


Superstars check in 
with mistletoe and 
rock 'n' roll. 


chords—radio-ready and safe as milk. In 
t, Primilive Cool reminds me of that Star 
Trek episode in which Captain Kirk, hav- 
ing been cloned into his good and evil 
selves by a transporter malfunction, real- 
izes that rather than ignorc or suppress his 
dark side, he must confront and transform 
those confused energies in order to become 
whole. Musically and lyrically, Jagger 
comes closest to integrating his past and 
present on the funky Peace for the Wicked. 
Let's hope it's also an indication of where 
he's headed in the future. 


NELSON GEORGE 
Youd think that with their platinum 
albums and sold-out concerts, Randy 
Owens and the three other members of Al- 


арата would be happy-go-lucky guys. 
Since its debut in 1980, this quartet has 
introduced the self-contained-band con- 
cept to country and has helped soften the 
redneck image of its home state in th 
of many Northerners. But so many of the 
songs on Just Us (RCA) are laced with a 
conservative nostalgia that suggests a bas- 
ic unhappiness. Old Man, (1 Wish It Could 
Ве) 55, Tar Top and I Saw a Time all look 
back, with glassy eyes, at a people and 
time that, by implication, were better than 
today. / Saw a Time is a particularly 
blunt and decidedly dour catalog of lost 
American values (c.g., “I saw a time when 
every baby that was born was wanted”) 
that, unfortunately, never existed and 
never will, 


es 


le Alabama’ 


lyrical revisionism 
verdone, the band displays a tasteful mu- 
sical unity that should break down the 
barriers that have blocked it from the pop 
market. You're My Explanation for Living 
and °55 show the band's flexibility within 
a rock-'n’-roll setting, while the album's 
best song, Face lo Face, is as much pop-folk 
as country ballad. Face to Face is one of 
those ultramelodic adult contemporary 
sounds that most critics hate but that I 
must admit I enjoy. Now, ifonly Alabama 
would lighten up a bit 


‘CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Sting has never hesitated to take on the 
issues; nor has he been reluctant to 
take on the small issues. ... Nothing Like the 
Sun (A&M) is well within the Sting tradi- 
tion, dealing as it does with everything 
from international politics to very personal 
nightmares. The titleis taken from a sonnet 


GUEST SI 


JOHN waite, the kinetic voice behind. 
such hits as “Change,” “Missing You" 
and “Active Love,” recently released 
his fourth solo LP, “Rover's Return.” 
Since British musicians seem lo know 
more about American black music than 
Americans do, we asked Waite to eval- 
uate Michael Jackson’s soul monster 
“Bad.” 

“To answer the obvious question 
firsi—yes, Bad is very similar to 
Thriller. The title track, for instance, 
reminiscent of Beat It. The 
strength of Bad is really in the 
groove—lots of over-the-top percus- 
sion. And, on Dirty Diana, instead of 
having Eddie Van Halen play the 
Killer guitar solo, it’s Steve Stevens, 
from Billy Idol's band. In a way, 
Michael's voice is used as a rhythm. 
instrument. I admire him tremen- 
dously asa vocalist. He sings a lot at 
the top of his range on this album. 
On Liberian Girl, a really beauti- 
ful cut, he sounds as if he’s in 
mid-orgasm. On Speed Demon, the 
background vocals are definitely 
Beatlesque. Bad is filled with cool 
little details like that. 105 a jigsaw 
puzzle, and Michael's voice makes it 
come together.” 


25 


FAST TRACKS 
ОСЕМЕТЕВ 


REELING AND ROCKING: Poison contribut- 
ed to the sound track of Less than 
Zero. . . . Chris Isaak will appear in 
Jonathan Demme's film Married to the 
Mob, starring Michelle Pfeiffer. . . . Al- 
though Ron Howard has been mentioned 
as a possible director for the movie 
about the Doors, Ray Manzarek wants 
Stanley Kubrick. As to the burning ques- 
tion Who can play Jim Morrison? Ma 
zack says, “I think the in 
thing is not so much a Jim Morrison 
look-alike as the sense of danger in the 
eyes.” . . . We hear that Diene Keaton is 
interested in producing a remake of The 
Blue Angel, with Madonna playing the 
Marlene Dietrich role. . . . Roy Orbison 
teamed up with K. D. Long to record 
songs for a Dino De Laurentiis film star- 
ring Jon Cryer. Lang makes terrific mu- 
sic. . . . Kris Kristofferson is shooting an 
HBO movie called Dead or Alive. . . . 
Director Penelope Spheeris is working on 
The Decline of Western Civilization: The 
Metal Years. 

NEWSBREAKS: Rock stars arc соп! 
ing to an album of songs from Disney 
movies. You'll hear Ringo singing When 
You Wish upon a Star and Harry Nilsson 
doing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah. Also per- 
forming: Los Lobos and Tom Waits. 
Rhino Records is developing a late- 
night rock show for ABC, described as 
a “hip Mickey Mouse Club for a much 
older audience” . and in related 
news, we hear that CBS is talking with 
hot dij. Rick Dees about doing the same 

Prince, who has post- 
poned his U.S. tour, is waiting to see 
isic/documentary film Sign 
теу does in the theaters. If it 
goes really big, he'll tour. . . . News 
Sting does not rule out a Police rc- 
. Look for upcoming albums 
from Santana (a reunion), Bor Seaggs, 
Crowded House, Glenn Frey, Jimmy Buffett, 
В. В. King, New Edition, the Four Tops, Patti 


Smith, Jermaine Jackson, Brian Setzer, Rick 
Springfield and the Bangles. . . . CD 
prices are expected to drop after the 
Christmas holidays. If the theme 
music for Max Headroom scems famil- 
iar, that’s because former Tangerine 
Dream member Michael Hoenig wrote it 
and performs it weekly. . . . Jim Кет of 
Simple Minds and Johnny Marr, formerly of 
the Smiths, are helping Paul McCartney 
out with his new album. . . . The next 
Los Lobos album will be more upbeat, 
according to drummer Lovie Perez, “Thc 
songs we're writing now have more of 
an early-American, hillbilly kind of 
flavor.” American performers Whit- 
ney Houston, liza Minnelli, Art Garfunkel, 
Amy Grant and Huey Lewis will sing for 
Prince Charles and Princess Di at the Lon- 
don Palladium. Also on the bill, Elton 
John and Phil Collins. . 
will rock in your city 
Also—hang on—Pink Floyd plans to 
break up its American tour, go to the 
Far East, then return to finish up the 
U.S. . . . Ted Nugent is sitting in with 
the likes of Heart and Bon Jovi while 
completing his next album. . . . Just as 
Miami Vice has done, Private Eye will 
use a lot of rock stars in acting roles and 
on the sound track. . . . Virgin Records! 
new Swedish group Lolita Pop got its 
name from Lolita Pornography, an 
X-rated moviehouse down the street 
from its rehearsal hall. 

RANDOM RUMOR: Finally, the Beastie 
Boys are denying reports that the 21- 
foot hydraulic phallus they use to deco- 
rate the stage at their shows is for sale. 
Manager Bill Adler says, “We're going to 
hold on to it for . . . posterity, as a kind 
of memento." The Beasties plan to rest 
up, then work on a new movie called 
Scared Stupid and cut a new all 
Meanwhile, the penis is in storage 
a New York suburb. Ain't showbiz 
grand? — BARBARA NELLIS 


(“My mistress’ eyes are...") in which 
Shakespeare expresses love for his sig- 
nificant other despite or because of her 
flaws, and Sting throughout this two- 
record set wrestles with his own feelings 
toward females. Пу, the pop single 
We'll Be Together is the least interesting 
But be not put off by what you first hear. 
The best stuff is too long, too thoughtful 
and often too mournful for most radio for- 
mats—They Dance Alone concerns the 
widows and mothers of murdered politi- 
cal prisoners in Chile. Nonformatted-jazz 
and -rock fans, however, should find much 
ng here. 

This being the Christmas scason, I have 
a recommendation to anyone with younger 


y tales with ERA accompani- 
ment. My personal fave is Meryl Sweep 
reading The Velveteen Rabbit, with pi 
George Winston. I also dig Jack 
son's narration of The Elephant’s Child, 
which provides a humorous introduction 
to African-influenced music by Bobby Mc- 
Ferrin. The most enjoyable aspect of these 
records is that unlike the morons who ex- 
purgate school texts, the Windham Hill 
people understand that children love an 
occasional big word with a mellifluous 
sound. It’s just plain fun to hear Nicholson 
say “insatiable curiosity,” even if you have 
to ask Mommy what it means. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


The special CBS aired to celebrate 
(surely not to sell) its record afliliate's star 
1987 offering, Michael Jackson's Bed 
(Epic), made the mistake of filming Mi- 
chael next ta his Madame Tussaud dum- 
g to judge who was more 
alive, but the comparison was disq 
Michael's latest date with the plastic sur- 
geon has lefi him resembling one of the 
ii the Thriller video, and while 
ntional meaning) 
itely ain't bad (black-Eng- 
lish meaning), either. 

Yes, pop fans should enjoy Michael's 
new music. The electronic groove this 
rhythmic genius constructs is a muscular 
improvement on the black-pop standard 
set by producers Jimmy Jam Terry 
Lewis for sister Janet (uy The Way You 
Make Me Feel or the CD-only Leave Me 
Alone). His vivid vocal signature has ma- 
tured—the gulps and shricks are less man- 
nered, the basic attack more soulful. And 
there’s none of the cutesy goop that made 
Thriller such a jagged milestone. 

But it wasn’t 38,000,000 pop fans who 
bought Thriller—there aren't that many. 
It was 38,000,000 citizens of the world, 
and Bad won't do it for them. It’s got no 
can't-miss extras, no musical master 
strokes like Beat It or Billie Jean. And 
while words aren't supposed to matter, the 
lyrics—about fear of groupies, crime, 
cops, the man in the mirror—aren't going 
to dispel the widespread suspicion that 
this man is really Howard Hughes. 


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Fleetwood Mac: Tango In The Night- Dig 
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музйей etc: Warner Bros. 138046 


Kenny G: Duotones » sorgo, What Does 
1 Take (Te Win Your Love), etc 
ista 


Crosby, Stil 


John Cougar Mellencamp: 
The Lonesome Jubileo 134420 
Dire Straits: Brothers in Arms Money For 
Nothing. elc Warner Bros. DIGITAL 114734 


Pops In Space = John Wiliams & The Boston 
Pops Music пот Close Encounters, Super- 
man. Star Wars. olhers 

Philips DIGITAL 105392 


La Bamba/Original Soundtrack » Los Lo- 
bos: Donna. La Bamba: more trom Brian 
Selzer, Bo Diddley, others, 


144343. 


Rimsky-Korsakov, Scheherazade « Vienna 
Phil Previn. Philips DIGITAL 115415 


Bon Jovi: Slippary When Wet « You Give 
Love A Bad Name. etc Mercury 143465 


Bach, Brandenburg Concertos Nos. 1-3 


Warner Slash 120062 Тһе English Concert/Pinnock, Archiv 
DIGITAL 115541 

Brahms, Symphony No. 1 «Vienna Phil- 

harmonic Orchestralbernstein, Gratetul Dead: In The Dark » Touch О! Grey 

DG DIGITAL 125224 Hell in A Bucket. West L.A. Fadeaway. Black 


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Mystery Train, etc RCA 272289 


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Andrew Lloyd Webber. Variations: more 
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Long. Perry Loves, Running With The Night 
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‘Tomita’s Greatest Hits « Also sprach Zara: 
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Jimi Hendrix: Kiss The Sky «Purple Haze. 
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Holst, The Planets/Dutoit 115448 


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HOW THE CLUB OPERATES 

You select from hundreds of exciting Compact Discs described in the 
Club's magazine mailed to you 19 times a year. Each issue highlights a 
Featured Selection in your preferred musical division plus alternate 
selections. If you'd like the Featured Selection, do nothing. It will be sent 
to you automatically. If you prefer an alternate selection, or none at all, 
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you may retum your Featured Selection at our expense, Cancel your 


Elvis: #1 Hits 


172190 


Rachmaninov, Piano Concertos Nos.2& 
4 = Vladimir Ashkenazy. pano. Concerige- 
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Yes: The Blo Generator « Love Wil Find A 
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Decade/Best Of Steely Dan « Rikki Don't Lose 
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30 


By THOMAS M. DISCH 


THERE ARE certain restaurants to which you 
go only if you're taking someone or being 
‚en: The fiction of charity redeems the 
extravagance. There are books, similarly, 
that you'd never buy for yourself but 
which for that very reason make perfect 
Christmas presents. Georgia O'Keeffe: One 
Hundred Flowers (Knopl/Callaway) is a cla: 
sic example, the supreme colfce-table book, 
100 gorgeous color plates of O’Keeffe’s 
formula for pretty pictures: blossoms сх- 
ploded to mural size (the book's largest 
two-page plates measure 26" x 16") to be- 
come metaphors for all that is organic and 
pleasureful. No one has ever said it with 
flowers so cloquently. Paul Grushkin's The 
Art cf Rock: Posters from Presley to Punk 
(Abbeville) is more of a catalog and 
lectors guide, since most of its 1500 
posters are reproduced in playing-card di- 
mensions. A must for dichard Deadheads 
and investors in this Jatest hot collectible 
but a “gift book" only in size and price. 
Fit to Be Tied (Abbeville) is a cornucopia 
of graphic corn —hundreds of men's tics 
from the Forties and Fifties in vintage bad 
taste. Here are all those murky browns, 
muddy ochers and clunky designs that to- 


day's senior citizens wore when they were 


young and ouiré. The perfect alternative to 
giving ап actual specially to some- 
one who prefers life in a T-shirt. 

The safest сій book is usually a ticket 
for a mental flight to one of those over-the- 
rainbow Ozes that only photographers 
seem to reach—or else why don't our va- 
cation snapshots look as great as theirs? 
Stephen Wilkes's portfolio of photos of 
the Pacific Coast Highway, California One 
(Friendly Press), embodies the Platon 
idea of California: A haze of hedonism 
drenches every long -a-l 
landscape and beautiful bod. Tupper 
Ansel Blake photographs another state of 
mind altogether in Wild California (Univer- 
sity of California), a collection of tame 
photos of wild nals with a high-minded 
text by conservationist A. Starker Leo- 
pold. A few pages of Leopold's fourth- 
grade-level prose and 1 was ready to let all 
lifornia be turned into a freeway and 
never mind the plight of the state’s rap- 
tors. For wildlife photography that con- 
veys a sense of wonder and high vicarious 
risk, Mitsuaki Iwago’s Serengeti (Chroni- 
cle) is a far superior (and, with 300 color 

і generous) collection. 
go accompanies lions as they hunt, 
at dawn to catch zebras mating on a 
misty horizon and dines with hyenas and 
vultures. These pictures define awesome. 

The Kremlin—the walled-in complex of 
cathedrals and palaces in amber that i 
also the seat of the Soviet govemme: 
has been having its face lifted, and Nikolai 
Rachmanov's post-face-lift photos in The 


h-o-1-i-z-0- 


= 


Giving the gift of words. 


Holiday gift books, 
scandals on Wall Street 
and more Elvis stuff. 


Kremlin and Its Treasures (Rizzoli) present a 
strong argument for putting Moscow on 
your vacation wish list. 105 stranger than 
The Smithsonian Book of Flight 
(Smithsonian/Orion), by Walter J. Bc 
is that rarity, a coflec-table book м 
text interesting cnough to justify the mus- 
cular effort necessary to read it. If you ever 
stopped to wonder what was actually hap- 
pening in Top Gun, Boyne’s your n 
Popular high tech doesn’t get more lucid 
than this. 

Books about sports are usually about as 
exciting as books about automobile main- 
tenance, but Diemends Are Forever (Chroni- 
cle) is a considerable exception. Editor 
Peter H. Gordon has assembled a mosaic 
of ruminations about baseball by such 
famous Johns as Updike, Sayles and 
Cheever and by equally notable Roberts, 
Donalds and Davids, all in top writing 
form. The graphic component of the book 


doesn’t achieve the same high ratio of 


wheat to chaff, but baseball just doesn't 
lend itself to picturc-book-making as do 
California highways. 
This is also true of football, though Jeffrey 
Blackman's photos for End Zone (Holt) 
could not be more professional, nor the 
book's make-up livelier. The text, by An- 
gus G. Garber Ш, w ly to 
those who need tutoring in football funda- 
mentals: “The 11 offensive players all have 
the same goal: advance the ball down the 
field. The 11 defensi players have but 
one thought: take it away." Now do you 
understand? 


Marilyn Monroe (Knopf) is about another 
visual object that wouldn't seem to need 
ry text, and truly Eve 
Arnold’s 71 photographs rather than her 
text that provide the big selling point for 
“appreciation” of MM. Monroe had a 
happy relationship with all cameras, but 
with Arnold’s it was especially happy 
From happiness to joy is a natural segue, 
and from jov to More Joy of Sex: A Lovemok- 
ing Companion to “The Joy of Sex” (Pocket 
Books). Alex Comfort’s recipes for yet 
more joy are supplemented with paintings 
and drawings by Charles Raymond and 
Christopher Foss that should help even be- 
ginners achieve excellent results. 

Much the same can be said for Claudia 
Roden’s Mediterranean Cookery (Knopf). 
Here are more than 125 color photos to 
seduce the cook in the house into braving 
the unknown, and the recipes themselves 


an expla 


her 


range in difficulty from casy to haute but 
manageable. The same cannot be said for 
Jacques Pepin's The Art of Cooking (Knopf), 
which should be given only to someone 
you want kept in the kitchen for days at a 
stretch. I mean, how would you fe 
significant other idly suggested, “Darling, 
for supper, why don’t you do that Jacques 
Pepin cháteaubriand with corn purée 
crepe barquettes and mushroom timbales 
with truffle sauce”? Recipes like that could 
be grounds for divorce. 

Playboy readers will need no introduc- 
tion to The Art of Patrick Nagel (Van der 
Marck). Nagel's visual style did for the 
ican woman of the Seventies and 
jehties what such great woodcut artists 
as Utamaro did for the geishas of 18th 
Century Japan: reduce a popular of 
beauty to its bare graphic minimum. 

Finally, for those who believe that even 
at Christmas books are for reading and 
that the only reason for a high price on a 
book is that it contains lots to read, The 
Essential Ellison (Nemo Press) offers 1040 
pages of stories (and one unproduced tele- 

lay) by the premiere wise guy of science 
on, Harlan Elliso 

. 

If the prospect of С mas isn’t jin- 
gling the bells of your heart this year—if 
what you are feeling is more on the order 
of “Bah! Humbug! —then there are 
books to satisfy your needs as well. 1 rec- 
ommend The Corpse Най a Familiar Face 
(Random House), by Edna Buchanan. 
Buchanan is a reporter for The Miami Her- 
ald, where she has been chronicling rape, 
murder, drug smuggling and police cor- 
ruption for 16 years. She has a genuine, 
ion for raking muck, 
сп to the challenge, be- 
¡on's principal moral 
cesspool during her tenure at the Herald. 
Its great riot of 1980 came as the logical 
conclusion to her whistle blowing in the 
case of the police cover-up of the killing of 


fici 


ШІ 


Arthur McDuffie, but Buchanan had to 
wait ull 1986 to receive a Pulitzer for her 
work. She’s tough. She’s funny. When the 
folks at Disney film the story of her life 
(which is said to be coming soon), they've 
got to cast Bette Midler. 

. 

If Buchanan’s Miami doesn't provide 
enough yuletide sin and corruption, dip 
into Douglas Frantz’s account of Wall 
Street's insider- ing scandal, Levine 2 
Co. (Holt). Its antihero, Dennis Levine, 
s the Horatio Alger of the Eighties, a 
little schmuck from Bayside, Queens, who 
almost overnight became a major national 
criminal. The moral of Levine's story is 
that crime pays handsomely, but only if 
you're a team player. Eventually, Levine 
such major Wall Strect 
yers as Ivan Boesky, and when the 
inally came for Levine to cut a deal w ij 
the Feds, he was in a position to sell 
dozens of teammates in exchange for a sen- 
tence of only two years and all the plunder 
he could hide before he was locked up. 
Frantz writes with passionate but con- 
trolled contempt, дық g Levine @ Cos 
ngs so comprehensible that even 
financially illiterate readers like myself 
will put the book down wi sense that 
they're ready to accomplish a major felony 
of their own. 


. 

Known criminals and convicted felons 
are easy targets. For those who prefer to 
see the mighty falling and former heroes 
covered with disgrace. The True Gen (Grove) 
will do very nicely. (“True gen” is R.A. 
slang for genuine information, as opposed 
to rumor and speculation.) Denis Brian's 
compilation of testimony about Ernest 
Hemingway “by those who knew him 
best" reveals not only the idol’s feet of clay 
s, thighs and parts still higher. 
lence of ex-wives, family 
and disillu- 
sioned sycophants, Hemingway was an 
inveterate, not to say pathological, liar. He 
was vindictive, a bully, but (to give him 
his due) a consummately skilled self-pro- 
moter and careerist. 


BOOK BAG 


The Elvis Catalog (Dolphin-Doubleday), 
by Lee Gotten: A hunka hunka Presley 
memorabilia, collectibles and icons, from 
his $7500 mustar ed уен! to Love 
Me Tender Conditioning apoo and 
Always Elvis Blanc D'Oro wine. 

Confessions of a Lottery Ball: The Inside-Out 
World of Aaron Freeman (Bonus), bv Aaron 
Freeman: No target is safe from stand-up 
comic Freeman’s satirical arrows. A riot- 
ous assemblage of sketches, scripts and 
essays frothing with that nonsensical Free- 
man wit. 

The Big Store: Inside the Crisis and Revolution 
of Sears (Viking), by Donald R. Katz: The 
story of how Scars fought its way back 
from the edge of ruin. An anatomy of a 
corporate turnaround that’s a page turner. 


em 


И youre a Jack Daniel's drinker, let us hear from you. 


AT JACK DANIEL'S DISTILLERY it never 
snows too much. But when it does, it really does. 


One of our rickers (it's Lawrence Burns) is 
surveying the situation. You see, it’s his job to 


gather these hard maple logs; stack them in ricks; 


and burn them to the charcoal we use 
to mellow our whiskey. "Charcoal 
mellowing” (as this process is called) 
is more important than anything to 
the taste of Jack Daniel's. So, we 
assure you, Mr. Burns won't let 
a little snow get in the way of 
his work. 


SIMO IT lal ӘДІРІРІПЕІ“ 
TENNESSEE WHISKEY 


Tennessee Whiskey*80-90 ProofeDistilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery 
Lem Motlow, Proprietor, Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352 


31 


32 


SPORTS 


he question of which sport is the 
most dangerous has been argued for 
years. You hear votes for skiing, mountain 
climbing, powerboating, car racing, box- 
ing, eating fried food, smoking. The answer 
comes easily for me. The most dangerous 
sport in the world is riding in a New York 
City taxi. 
Nowadays, six blocks through Manhat- 
tan with Mhambed or Cadecb at the 
wheel is guaranteed to make you squeal 
mal and curl up in a 
You're thankful just to get out of the 
cab safely; never mind the wrong address. 
ng to shit water 


Never mind that you're g 
for the next 24 hours 

It happened overnight. Nine out of ev- 
ery ten New York City cabdrivers arc sud- 
denly maniac terrorists of no ascertainable 
nationality. And no onc can explain how 
this has occurred. Not Mayor Koch. Not 
Governor Cuomo, Nobody 

All I know is, I got into а cab one day, 
and before I could tell the driver my desti- 
nation, we were going 60 miles an hour 
up Third Avenue, swerving to scare pe- 
destrians. 

When I said something to the driver, his 
reply was, “Carrock ahmgamma posta me- 
glock! 

“Stop here!” I yelled. 

He ignored me. 

“Now!” I cried. 

“You speak?” 

Yes!" 

“What you want, maybe?" 

“I want ош!” 

“Where?” 

“Неге!” 

He slammed on the brakes. 

“Yebbis onga gish rackem!” be snarled at 
a city bus. 

I handed him a wad of bills and leaped 
to safety. 

That was four years ago. Now they've 
added refinements. They have No SMOKING 
signs all oyer the car and they play loud, 
horrifying, tuneless music at full treble. 

The other day, 1 got into Mhambed’ 
cab and tried to shout out the address over 
the music. 

“Seventy-fifth and Third!" I bellowed 

He hadn't waited to hear it. We were 
going 60 down Park Avenue, barging 
through red lights. 

“Sheekonga dababa rackemba dar!” was 
what I think he said, which I took to me: 
that he didn’t care if he lived or died. 

"Sir?" I said. “Excuse me!” 

We were racing toward the most danger- 


By DAN JENKINS 


DEATH AND TAXIS 


ous intersection in Manhattan, 86th and 
Park, a four-way jungle at which every 
Mhambed in town flirts with death. 
Kadash po-yamman deck!" howled 
Mhambed, as the intersection went by ina 
blur. 

I think I heard a crash behind us, above 
the screeching of the music; but Г didn’t 
glance back, because I was trying to light a 
cigarcue while sliding back and forth 
across the scat. 

Before I knew i 
through the 60s. 
bo far!" I yelled. 

No!" the driver said 
“No?” 
ou say Fifty-seven!” 

He sped past a limo. “Slobba din spice- 
lam!" he sputtered out the window at the 
limo driver. 

“Let me out!" 1 called. “Stop, damn it!” 
io! 

He didn’t stop until 57th, like he said 

“Get out,” he sneered. "You crazy 

man. 

I gave him a t 

“No change.” 

“Keep it,” I said, adoring the y 
under my feet. “Buy a grenade.” 

It doesn’t seem like all that long ago 
that New York cabdrivers were as much 
fun as they were sale. 

‘They were all named Mike or Gus, and 
ey understood something. No matter 
how fast or slowly you drove, everybody 


we were dashi 


wonnd up on 59th Street at the same time. 
And they were entertaining, because they 
spoke, by and large, English 

You got into one of these cabs and the 
driver crept away at a sane specd. Present- 
ly, he would say, “Jesus, that Carter.” 
And you had a political discussion if you 
felt like it. 

Or he would say, “Jesus, the Yankees. 
My toilet looks better.” And you could 
talk sports if you felt like it. 

But you didn’t have to say anything. 
You could just smoke and listen to Mike or 
Gus. 

Recently, I thought I had a guy like 
that. A throwback to the old days—Nick 
or Tony. 1 {elt good about getting into his 
cab. I thanked him for stopping for me and 
gave him the address. 
floored i 

We went 80 for two blocks and got 
ht by a light and some other cars. He 
at the cab 


,” he said—a 


са 


glanced ov. est to us. 
“Fuck you, asshole!” he shouted at the 
other driver 

“Go fuck yourself,” came the reply 

“Pim sayin’ fuck you!” 

“Yeah? Well, fucl H 

“Listen,” I said, interrupting. “Do you 
mird if 

But w 
other cab. 

And then we both s 
another light. 

'uckin' asshole!” my driver called out. 

I looked at the passenger in the other 
cab. Somebody's grandmother. 

‘The other driver yelled, “You know who. 
you're fuckin’ with here? You're fuckin 
u fuckhead. You want to fuck 
¿ome on! Fuck with me 

My driver said to him, “Hey, look at 
me! Fm trying’ to make a fuckin’ livin’ 
here, you fuckin" asshol 

“So make your fuckin’ living; I don’t 
give a fud 
w, fuck you.” 

“Fuck you.” 

Со fuck yourself. 

“In your ass." 

My dick!” 

Fuckin’ cocksucker. Fuck off ^ 
eah, well, fuck this! 

That's pretty much the way I left it. In 
Manhattan, I can take only so much intel- 
lectual conversation in one day. Somehow, 
I missed Mhambed. 

У] 


sped away, side by side with the 


idded to a stop at 


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MEN 


О К, men, before you do anything 
else, please take the following test. 
Les simple and quick, and I promise you'll 
learn something about yourself. 
1. І rarely get an erection. ar [s 
2. If I ever do get an erection, I usually 
don't notice vp odi 
3. If I do notice it, I don't do anytl 
about it and it gocs away soon. T F 
+. If it doesn’t go away, I simply shrug 
and whistlc a happy tunc. a 
5. Sensuality repels me. ТЕ 
6. My interest in women is spiritual, not 
physical TE 
7. If a beautiful woman asked me to 
make love to her, Га call the police. Т Е 
8. If the police were busy and she were 
pushy, I'd run away. qr i 
9. If she ran after me, Pd scream for my 
mommy and hide. ТЕ 
10. Every day, in every way, I’m grow- 
ing less and less lecherous. ae ov 
Let's call this the Universal Male Lech- 
ery Test. Were you honest in your answers? 
How many “false” responses did you give? 
Ten for ten? Га bet you came close to that 
number. I know I did. 
Now let's try an experiment. Please take 
the Lechery Test again. Only this time, 
answer it as if you were going to hand it in 


spouse or significant other; (B) the govern- 
ing board of the National Organization for 
Women; (C) a group of religious leaders 
from your community. 

Finished? How many of you scored a 


large number of “false” responses this 
time? May I see a show of hands? Why 
don’t I see any hands? Well, then, let me 
ask it this way: How many of you reversed 
yourselves and scored mostly "true" re- 
sponses? I can’t belicve it. Most of you 
changed your answers? You were afraid of 
going public with your lechery? 

Don't worry, amigos. It's happened to 
all of us. We're afraid of the L word. Call 
us lechers and we shrivel up and die a 
little. We feel defenseless against that 
charge, so when it's leveled against us, we 
lie and duck and cheat. “Who, me? 
Lecherous? Not on your life.” 

That describes the past quarter century 
of male life in this culture. It’s a hell of a 
way to live, isn’t it? Why are we so fearful 
of the L word? Why have we chosen to 
deny our basic make-up? 

There are two reasons: (A) the powerful 
nature of our sexuality, powerful from our 


By ASA BABER 


THE L WORD 


childhood years; (B) the feminist and fun- 
damentalist attack upon that nature. 

Let's face it, we're a horny bunch of 
guys. A wonderful, vigorous, amazing sex- 
ual force comes into our lives at an early. 
age. We can't hide from our own hard- 
ons— not that we'd want to—but we're al- 
so confused by them. The signals we get 
from many directions are antiscxual. The 
New Puritans imply that our aggressive 
sexuality makes us rapists and pillagers by 
definition. That's a heavy charge, and it 
hurts us. So here's this new gift, this warm 
glory, this beautiful force, yet the message 
we get from the culture cuts against it, di- 
minishes it, suggests it’s evil. 

The male experience of early sexuality is 
inherently a happy one, however. We love 
the new toy we've found. We play with it 
and pamper i . Very 
few shameful signals come from within us. 
We stare across the schoolyard at recess 
and ask ourselves how girls can be so 
naive, so protected, so unsexed. We tell 
опе another jokes while they skip rope. We 
yearn for them while they giggle and 
dream. Our horniness is obvious; our 
needs are great. We lust and fantasize and 
masturbate—yet through all this early de- 
velopment, we hear a subterranean sym- 
phony of shame that continues through 
our lives. We are, we're told, monstrous 
and unsociable in our sexualit 

Consider the fuss made during Jimmy 
Carter's Presidential campaign—over his 


remark that he had lust in his heart. Or 
consider the recent persecution and assas- 
sination of Gary Hart. “GARY HART, BEDEV- 
ILED BY DEMONS,” one headline read. Lives 
there а man with soul so dead who 
couldn’t list and identify those demons? 
Do we not shiver just a little when we hear 
the knives being sharpened for Hart as the 
L word is branded on his forehead? 

Try this: “Under the sway of his sensual 
passion, and when conquest and posses- 
sion were the issuc, he could be very in- 
tense, according to confidants of several of 
his partners. But once the passion was 
consumed, the fantasy fulfilled, and the 
specter of the start of a relationship reared 
its head, Hart would shrink back and— 
clang!—that inner steel door between his 
two selves would slam shut.” That’s Gail 
Sheehy writing an analysis of Hart in Vani- 
ty Fair. | have to wonder as I read that 
paragraph if it doesn’t describe a major 
dynamic in the male psyche—a dynamic 
that is natural and self-protective, not 
demonic and dark. 

One day soon, gentlemen, we'd better 
stand up and cheer for our nature. We'd 
better take the Universal Male Lechery 
‘Test and mark it honestly and hand it in to 
that committee with pride. “This is how 
we are,” we'll say. “Now deal with us in- 
stead of trying to condemn us. And clean 
up your own house before you come over 
and criticize ours. 

Oh, yes, that reminds me: Alter Gary 
Hart's appearance on Nightline this past 
September, a friend of mine called me 
from Washington, D.C. “That guy gives 
me the creeps,” she said. “He makes me 
gag. | wouldn't trust him for a minute. 
‘And boy, oh, boy, do I feel sorry for his 
wife. Why does she take that shit? If I were 
her, Ға throw him out of the house.” 

I listened, but I didn't say much. How 
could I? I was too busy laughing. Only 
three months carlier, she had been on the 
phone to me describing her latest affair, 
onc that her husband didn't know about. 

You don't suppose we should construct 
a Universal Female Lechery Test, do you? 
You don't suppose women go clang! too? 
They don't have problems with intimacy 
or sexuality, do they? None of the women 
candidates who've run for various political 
offices have ever slept around, have they? 

Hey, I'm just a dumb, lecherous guy, 
and I'm only asking. 


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WOMEN 


D: men nced women more than wom- 
en need men? When women finally 
achieved a tenuous form of financial inde- 
pendence, we all began asking ourselves, 
“Who needs whom more?” 

Come with те. I'm going to go all over 
town to eavesdrop on scenes between cou- 
ples, between friends, and sec how they 
grapple with the question. 

Scene one: A well-appointed dining 
room, where an eminent physicist is hav- 
ing dinner with his new wife, a part-time 
sweater designer. 

WIFE: Of course men need women more 
than we necd them. That's what I think. 
Let me give you some wine, sweetheart, 

HUSBAND: [Turning pale] 1 knew it! I 

knew we never should have got married! 
What you really want don't try to kid 
me—is a career, I'm suffocating you. 
You'd give all this up in a second fora con- 
tract with Macy’s. Oh, what a mistake 
we've made! 
IFE: You don't know me at all, darling. 
I'm devoted to you. Га do anything for 
you. You're the love of my life. You're my 
big, strong, great, wonderful man. I cook 
for you, iron your shirts, try to make you 
happy in every way I can. 

HUSBAND: Oh, I guess I'm your baby 
now. 

wire: Angel, all men are babies. And the 
sooner they know that, the better. 

Scene two: Girlfriend, a chef, is stalking 
through the living room as boyfriend, a 
carpenter, is prostrate on the sofa. 

GIRLFRIEND: Pm tired of being the cop. 
Why can’t you keep your end up? Do a 
dish? Pay some of the rent, the phone bill, 
something? 

BOYFRIEND: Ї don't want to talk about 
this. I'm tired of this. 

GIRLFRIEND: You're tired? What about 
me? What about my needs? We don't have 
any fun anymore. I have to do everything. 
Plcase, please, go see a shrink. 

BOYFRIEND: I don't want to. I'm fine. I'm 
going out now. 

GIRLFRIEND: Where are you going? When 
will you be back? 

Scene three: Sam and Gloria, friends, are 
lunching at a pastel-hucd restaurant. 

зам: My relationships are always about 
me trying to save someone. I can’t imagine 
romance without that element. 

GLORIA: So you think men need women 
more? 

зам: That's not a question that can be 
answered. Here's a cup of tea. Does the tea 
need the cup more? Or does the cup need 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


WHO NEEDS 
WHOM MORE? 


the tea more? You need both to have a cup 
of tea 

GLORIA: Ridiculous. If the cup didn't 
surround the tea, nurture it, envelop it, 
hold the wa inside it, the tea would spill 
all over the table and onto our laps and 
we'd have to get our clothes dry-clcancd. 
Tea has no shape without a cup. But a cup 
is always a cup. And if it wants to, it can 
have coffee instead. 

sam: You're not at all well 

Scene four: Husband and wife—he 
works; she doesn’t—married for ten years, 
in the bedroom at three AM 

wire: I just need my space. You know I 
love you, but I want to move out. 

HUSPAND: You can't move out, you silly 
bitch! Who would buy you your fur coats, 
your $200 shoes? 

wire: I used to support you, you know. 

HUSBAND: For about three months, when 
we were 19. 

wire: I want to find myself. I can't find 
myself when I’m looking for your socks. 

HUSBAND: You're having an affair. Admit 
it; you're having an affair! Who is it? It’s 


nussaxo: Who, then? 

wire: You don’t know him. 

HUSBAND: ГЇЇ kill you if you leave me. I 
may kill you anyway. 

Scene five: Laurie and Tina are working 
out in a gym. 


LAURIE: So then he tells me he slept with 
her. I can't believe it. How could he do 
this to me? I know how he could do this to 
me. I gave him the weapon myself. I once 
told him about Peter, who broke my heart 
by sleeping around. The bastard! 

tuna: Listen, you want him, you've got 
him. You have the power in this relation- 
ship. It’s your apartment, your friends, 
your life. You've got him by the balls, and 
if you thought about it for a moment, 
you'd know it. Of course he'll sleep 
's the only way he can pretend 
his own. 

Do you have a Valium? I’m so 
crazed I may jump out the window. 

Scene six: Clarice, a potter, and Ken, a 
musician, are having drinks in a pub. 

CLARICE: Darling, do you think we could 
give it another try? 

KEN: Docs this mean you want to have 
sex with me now? 

CLARICE: Not at this very second, dear, 
but, yes, I do think it might be nice if you 
moved out of the spare room. The children 
would like it. 

sen: To what do 1 owe this astounding 
piece of luck? 

CLARICE: Don't be sarcastic. I don't real- 
ly know myself. [t's just that since Гуе 
sold all those pots, I suddenly seem to 
adore you. 

кєм: Let's take a room in a hotel. Right 
now. 

CLARICE: ОК. 

Having witnessed the above scenes and 
similar others, I have come up with one of 
my theories, and I’m very fond of it: 

Need has nothing to do with gender, 
and things, as usual, are the opposite of 
what they seem. It is, in fact, the bullies— 
the ones who need control, the ones who 
take care of their mates—who are the 
neediest. The dependent ones—the ones 
who apparently need taking care of, male 
or female—are the ones with the power. 

Seventeen psychologists would come up 
with 17 reasons for this phenomenon: Per- 
haps the person being cared for is so re- 
sentful at her lack of independence that 
eventually she has to get out, and feels 
much better when she does. Maybe con- 
trolling types can't face their own needi- 
ness and must transfer it to their mates, 
then identify so much with these mates 
that they’d be shattered without them. 

Or maybe life is just one cosmic joke aft- 


er another. 


AGAINST THE WIND 


Px: don’t much like the press even 
in the best of times, and in times like 
these, after a monsoon of scandal, a gener- 
al disgust with journalists erupts. “Un- 
fair!” cried about two thirds of the people 
Gallup polled concerning the reports on 
where Gary Hart was probably planting 
his stem. And 70 percent of that group 
said they didn’t appreciate the bush- 
whacker tactics the reporters had used to 
get the story, either. “The sharks are ina 
feeding frenzy,” complained Pat Robert- 
son, referring to reporters after the revela- 
Чоп that his eldest son was conceived 
before marriage. 

But the mcdia always counter with, 
“Whatta you gonna do, kill the messenger 
because he brings bad news?" 

And if you listen hard enough, you can 
almost hear people answering, “Oh, yes. 
Just once, just a couple of these guys: Heat 
the tar, slash the pillows, hang them by 
their heels. Then just go ahead and kill 
"em." 

There would be a video that made 
Nightline worth staying up for. I can hear 
Ted Koppel saying, “Га like to warn the 
affiliates that we'll be running a few min- 
utes over tonight due to the highly unusual 
nature of this story.” 

The only trouble with that scenario is 
that it goes after the media for the wrong 
reason. If you want to see a nervous, de- 
fensive dance from a journalist, don’t ask 
him about the secrets he’s telling—ask 
him what he’s holding back. 

Keeping secrets is a big part of a re- 
porter's job, after all. Sometimes it’s a big 
national secret, like the Pentagon papers, 
and sometimes it’s the dirty little kind. In 
fact, if you were going to list the ethical 
duties of journalism, number one would 
have to be “to keep certain information 
confidential even if a Republican judge 
throws you in jail and threatens to keep 
you there for the rest of your miserable 
life.” 

It rarely comes to that, and it’s a good 
thing, because the protection of sources is 
a snaky business no matter how necessary 
it may be as a reportorial gambit. It's the 
one place where the ethics of journalism 
move into the kind of fog that surrounds 
the ethics of spying, a spooky atmosphere 
in which none of the players can ever be 
sure he has the whole story. 

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, 
then of The Washington Post, for instance, 
paid for the Watergate story by agrecing to 


By CRAIG VETTER 


SECRET SOURCES 


keep what might be, for all we knew, a cru- 
cial secret: Who was Deep Throat? Whom 
did he, she or they work for? And what 
were Deep Throat’s motives in delivering 
the story? It might not change the facts if 
we had the name, but if Deep Throat 
turned out to be a CIA agent who was a 
double agent for Cuba, say, that fact 
would surely have changed everything 
else, including what finally happened to 
the President. 

Woodward admits that he’s obsessed 
with secrets. And that has gotten him into 
trouble. His latest book, Veil: The Secret 
Wars of the CIA, 1981-1987, largely about 
the late CIA Director William Casey, re- 
ceived a lot of press—but not the kind 
Woodward wanted. Somehow he seemed 
surprised at the outrage that went up in 
response to his surreptitious visit to 
Casey's deathbed. Some people, including 
Mrs. Casey, don’t believe he was ever 
there, but I do. In fact, I get a very vivid 
mental picture of our intrepid reporter, 
dressed like a nurse, saying to Casey, 
“OK, Bill: Drool if you knew; blow a little 
snot bubble if you didn't. 

Just good, aggressive reporting, I guess, 
and it would be hard to fault him for it, 
except for an incident involving Wood- 
ward and Gary Hart in which thc rc- 
porter’s passion for secret telling went 
limp. It seems that when Hart separated 
from his wife and moved to Washington in 
1981, he decided that what he needed was 


a roommate who could absolutely, posi- 
tively keep a secret. So he moved in with 
Bob Woodward. The secret was that al- 
though his luggage was with Woodward, 
his body was with a girlfriend. Woodward 
was his beard. 

The strategy was as smart as it was 
sleazy. The very best way of all to shut a 
reporter up is to implicate him, which was 
easy in this case, because Woodward and 
Hart were friends. And it worked. Wood- 
ward said nothing, and Hart got through 
the 1984 campaign without a single re- 
porter’s asking him about his position on 
the Sixth Commandment. 

Last year, when Hart was finally nailed, 
Woodward admitted the roommate ruse 
and said that the whole thing had made 
him very uncomfortable. In fact, during 
the 1984 campaign, he'd gone to Hart’s 
staff and told them that if anyone asked 
him about where his buddy spent most of 
his time, he was going to have to tell the 
truth. As it turned ont, he said, the ques- 
tion just never came up. And although 
that may sound a bit self-serving to some, 
Т took it to be Woodward’s invocation of 
the Ol’ Man River clause in the journalist’s 
code of ethics, which says, basically, that 
although you may sometimes be sworn to 
keep a secret, you are under no obligation 
to write a story just because you have it 
(“He must know sumpin’; but he don't say 
nothin’ / He jus’ keeps rollin’ along"). 

I used that clause myself, once. I was 
covering a trial, a bizarre and stupid 
mockery of a civil suit, that was going to 
drag on for almost four months before it 
went to the jury. About 15 weeks into the 
bogus production, I found out something 
that surely would have caused the suit to 
be thrown out of court immediately had I 
written about it or told the judge. I didn’t 
do either. I decided to count on the fact 
that the jury would do the right thing 
without what I knew. And it did. I’m not 
sure what I would have done if things had 
gone the other way, because no matter 
what sort of ethical laws you lay down for 
yourself, you pretty much have to make 
your decisions one at a time as the ques- 
tions come up. 

So recently, when a friend of mine saw a 
book called The Virtuous Journalist on my 
desk and asked, “What is that? Full of 
blank pages?” I thought to myself, Cheap 
shot—but not that cheap. 


37 


fartlet Importing Со, Inc. North Hills, NY. © 1987. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


MAL ihe safe-sex books recommend 
utual masturbation as an effective alter- 
to intercourse. Unfortunately, my 
touching me with her 
her boring. Any hints on 
W. F., 


hands to be г; 
how to make it more interesting? 
San Diego, California. 

Tom Carey deals with this problem in “The 
Modern Guide to Sexual Etiquette for Proper 
Gentlemen and Ladies”: “T think it’s ume we 
paid some attention to the manual stimula- 
tion of the male parts, as well as the female. 
This can be a distasteful chore for many 
women at first; but, like milking a cow, once 
you gel the hang of il, it can be lots of fun. 
Make it a game. Hang targets on the wall. 
Try for new distance records.” Sounds neat, 
hey? Maybe you could set up a conveyer belt 
of ducks to move across the headboard of your 
bed. Carey also recommends mutual mastur 
bation: “Here's what 1 want you all to do. Sit 
naked on your beds facing each other. Now, 
when 1 say go, 1 want you all to watch each 
other masturbate. Ready. . . . Go. And no fair 
cheating. Girls, if you usually use a vibrator 
the size of a table leg, plug it in. Guys, if you 
normally drive carpet tacks into your nipples, 
then do that, too. All good sex books recom- 
mend mutual masturbation. WI help you bet- 
ter understand all the disgusting things your 
partner wants you to do.” 


Em writing for your advice on giving a 
bachelor party. My closest friend is getting 
married in August, and I'm in charge of 
his last night out with the guys. He 
with his fiancée just outside Manhattan, 
and I would like to organize something in 
the city, since his place isn't an option. 
Гуе thought about the traditional party 
favors; a stripper might be an idea (where 
do you find one, though?), while a prosti- 
tute is definitely out. I'm sure а lot of 
drinking and smoking will tak: and 
since the guests (14 of us) will be coming 
to the party from many directions, I'm 
sure we would have a much better time if 
no one had to worry about driving later 
that night. Unfortunately, Pm still a stu- 
dent and won't be able to spend more than 
$50 or $60 for the evening. However, 13 
guys spending the same amount should be 


ives 


able to throw a good party even in Man- 
hattan, shouldnt they? What do you 
think?—A. K. B., Wilmington, Delaware. 

Bachelor parties are very much a matter of 
individual taste these days. We think they 
should reflect the interests and preferences of 
the groom-to-be. Since you're the groom's 
closest friend, you should know what type of 
evening would be most appropriate and most 
enjoyable for him. Uf a quiet dinner out fol- 
lowed by some social drinking at a neighbor- 
hood bar fils the bill, so be it. You can always 
consult your local Yellow Pages for sources of 
singing telegrams or strip-o-grams. We agree 
that a prostitute would be a poor choice—not 


10 mention dangerous and illegal. So, for that 
malter, would be an evening that resulted in 
the tattooing of certain private parts. If your 
budget is as limited as you claim, there's cer- 
tainly no harm in asking the other invited 
guests to chip in. The only real limitation 
should be your imagination. And if you're 
really stumped. it might not be a bad idea to 
ask the groom himself about his preferences 
for the cuening. We think the idea of a bache 
lor party as one last wild night oul with 
the boys is a bil passé—but if that's what the 
groom wants, do the best you can within the 
limitations of a budget to accommodate his 
wishes, Have fun. Practice safe sex. Appoint 
a designated driver 


Р... give the formula for determining 
the size of the erect male sex organ by the 
size of his hand. Bending the middle finger 
down to the heel of the hand will indicate 
the length, but what about the diameter? 
My friends and I are having a debate over 
the ratio of length to thickness.—L. R. P., 
Scottsdal 

Here's how you use your hands to deter 
mino penis size: Take both hands and hold a 
tape measure along the side of your penis 
That's it. Old wives’ tales to the contrary. the 
size of a man’s erect penis has no connection 
whatsoever with the size of his feet, his hands 
or even his flaccid penis. 


Bam an avid tennis player, playing up to 

times per week, and have a problem 
with my strings’ breaking. 1 use a boron- 
graphite racket with synthetic strings. The 
ones | am now using cost around ten dol- 
lars, and I t afford new ones every two 
weeks. The center vertical string alwi 
breaks. I hit with a lot of top spin and the 
move around quite a bit. Is there 


ауз 


ything I сап do to correct this? 1 know 
that my local pro (who also happens to be 
my racket stringer) won't like your solu- 
tion, but my checkbook will.—B. R. 
Bowling Green, Kentuc 

You don't mention where the string breaks. 
If yours breaks in the middle, tough luck. 
Play less tennis or take up golf. This is поғ- 
mal wear, given your playing style. If your 
string breaks near the edge, there may be some 
hope. Perhaps there's a grommet that is cut. 
ting into il. Another explanation may be that 
the top of your racket is worn down, causing 
that particular string to become more promi- 
nent and more easily damaged. This results 
from your scraping your racket on the court, 
as occurs when players attempt to pick up the 
balls from the court with their rackets. If you 
have this bad habit, it is one that you should 
break—Jor the good of your racket, strings 
and pocketbook. 


Mus condoms the new rage, I have an 
etiquette. question. How long after the 
peak of ecstasy does our protective friend 
depart from the Vot from the 
penis—from the bedroom. Is there a 
proper setting prior to the final exit? Dis- 
carding a condom certainly adds a prob- 
lem of logistics to a usuall: ict time. Pd 
like to know il the procedure could be hai 
dled more smoothly.—G. M., Dal 
Texas. 

First, let's go over the basics. Remove the 
condom while the penis is still erect. If you 
wait until you lose your erection, it can slip 
off, causing leakage. What you do with a 
used condom is a matter of style. We've heard 
of one guy who kept used condoms in а serap- 
book, like pressed prom flowers, You could tie 
yours in а knot and play basketball with the 
bedroom wastebasket, Or just put it on a plate 
or towel on the bedside table. Enjoy the quiet 
time and leave house cleaning for later. 


U have a question about audio and video 
equipment. Can Freon TF be used to clean 
the audio heads of my cassette deck and 
of my VER? If по, what is the best 
method?— D. H., St. Louis, Missouri. 
Freon TF may be used to clean the audio 
and video heads of your equipment. It is not 
popular because it evaporates very rapidly. A 
90 percent isopropyLalcohol solution is move 
widely used for head cleaning. One note of 
caution: Regardless of the solution used, cot- 
ton swabs should be avoided, as they can shed 
fibers that may clog the video heads. A better 
device is a cleaner with a chamois tip. Due to 
the delicate nature of video heads, cleaning 
should be done only when necessary and 
always by a qualified video technician. The 
moderate charge of a professional cleaning 
will be a lot lower than the cost of repairing 
damage resulting from improper cleaning. 


A few years ago, while 1 was research- 
ing some ancient Taoist texts at a famous. 


38 


PLAYBOY 


library in England, I came across a few 
volumes of the Tao of Sex. In one written 
during the Tang dynasty (618-907 ap), 1 
found the sexual technique called the Hoy- 
cring Butterfly. In this technique, the man 
lies on his back, with both legs opened but 
drawn toward his chest. The woman sits 
astride him with the penis inserted. Once 


the penis is firmly entrenched, the man 
clamps his legs on the woman's w 
Then she moves up and down, which 
с 


ses his legs to move in such a way as to 
resemble the flapping and hovering but- 
terfly. (In this position, the woman can 
also lean forward and the man can suck 
her breasts at will.) The woman has to be 
quite agile. She should have good vaginal- 
muscle control. She has to use her vaginal 
muscles to milk the penis to get the man to 
ejaculate, because in this position, he can- 
not penctrate too deeply with ease. A 
woman who can master vaginal control is 
the ultimate coitus queen and is worth 
more than gold. The best way to utilize 
this technique is to alternate letting the 
woman ride up and down for a while with 
letting her sit but use her vaginal- 
muscle control. The last piece of advice is 
that the couple should take care while the 
woman is moving, for the penis may easily 
slip out if its penetration is not deep 
cnough.—T. H., Copenhagen, Denmark. 
Thanks for the lip. 


Some of my health-conscious’ friends 


have taken to moderation in a big way. 
Now, when I have someone over for din- 
ner or lunch, we seldom finish the last 
bottle of wine. Are there any approved 
methods for storing hall-ernpty bottles? — 
J. R., Chicago, Illinois. 

Restaurants that serve wine by the glass 
have a similar problem. They solve it by using 
commercial machines that reseal the bottles 
after substituting nitrogen for the oxygen in 
the half-empty containers. Cruvinet has come 
ош with single-bottle nitrogen systems. Vacu- 
Vin sells a rubber stopper with a built-in 
pump that removes the air from the bottle 
before sealing. A good wine shop should be 
able to provide help. 


Wa tic to share an unusual practice with 
you and your readers. When [ become 
erect, my penis stands up at a 45-degree 
angle and elongates considerably. This 
causes the skin around the base to stretch 
taut, When this happens, if T apply light 
pressure to the underside of the scrotum, 
шу testicles pop up into what seems to be 
a hollow cavity inside my body, on either 
side of the base of my penis. They will 
remain there until the erection. softens. 
Normally. this lasts only a few minutes; 
but the only time I ever timed this phe- 
nomenon, they stayed up inside me for 
nearly 21 minutes. The sensation is just 
the opposite of what youre probably 
thinking. It's actually amazingly comfort- 
able. Without anything hanging down, 


I'm completely smooth under my fully 
crect penis, and under the crotch, there’ 
no pain whatsoever. In fact, without any 
outdoor plumbing dangling in the breeze, 
there's nothing delicate to have to watch 
out for or be careful of. This means that 
both І and my ladyfriend can be more 
rambuncüous than usual. She docsn’t 
have to be careful of hurting me, because 
there's nothing there that can be hurt. And 
when I come this way, it secms to be more 
intense than the usual ү. Because 1 can 
do this only when fully егесі, it's not some- 
thing I do a lot; it’s just interesting from 
time to time. 

Here's wh 
Гуе never h 


I'm writing to the Advisor: 
d of another man's being 
able to do anything like this. How com- 
mon is this abi /—S. T., Vancouver, 
British Columbia. 

We've heard of this practice. Supposedly, 
Japanese wrestlers train themselves to hide 
(and protect) the family jewels in just such a 
manner. It saves a lot of yen on jockstraps 
and cups. So relax and enjoy your increased 
aerodynamic efficiency 


ру Ua aa en ero Tra 
lamps for my 1986 Prelude Si, but I have a 
few questions. Why are the majority of the 
fog lamps on the market equipped with 
amber lenses? Are they really preferable to. 
clear lenses when it comes to illumination 
1 fog, rain, snow, etc? And since 1 am 
planning to use them for more than just 


If the Walkman 


the way a world-on-the-go listens to music. 
From the Sports series to our profes- 
sional Walkman, theres a Walkman for 
everyone. 
But no matter which Sony Walkman you 


No matter who you are or what you do. 
theres a Sony Walkman" personal stereo 
thats right in step with you. 

From the first Walkman introduced in 
1979 to our ten-millionth, we've changed 


© 1987 Sony Corporationof America болу Walkman and The One and Cnly are trademarks of Sony 


foul-weather lighting, would you suggest 
that I consider looking at those with clear 
lenses rather than amber?—J. Y., Upton, 
Massachusetts. 

The amber lenses cut through fog much 
better than clear lenses do: Using a clear-lens 
lamp in fog is equivalent to using your 
brights. As you know, using your bright lights 
in fog only decreases visibility. Amber lamps 
are available in various models and types 
and cost from $15 to $70. 


Bam a 31-year-old female, happily mar- 
ried to the same wonderful guy for just 
over ten years. We have a very enjoyable 
sex life; however, there is one small prob- 
lem. We both enjoy various positions and 
especially oral sex. I really enjoy sucking 
my husband's penis, because he gets really 
excited, and I would like to be able to suck 
him off to a climax; but for some reason, I 
am afraid to do so. 1 don't know why— 
perhaps because of the taste. I know he 
would like me to do so—he has said so— 
but, being a sensitive and understanding 
y, he warns me of his c 


tween my adequate breasts to finish the 
job. 1, and probably thousands of women 
with the same hang-up, would certain! 
appreciate any advice you can oller 

helping us overcome this problem. It 
would also make our men more satisfied 


with the oral sex we enjoy so much. Is 
there a simple solution or answer?—Mrs. 
W. H., Columbus, Ohi 

Ask yourself whether it is the laste of semen 
that worries you or the smell and feel of it 
Remind yourself that sex 
of its charm. If taste is your concern, the next 
time your husband comes in your hand or on 
your breasts, put a finger in and sample it. If 
the problem is feel and smell, maybe a dozen 
raw oysters will prepare you for the consisten- 
су and scent of semen. If you are worried 
about volume, try oral sex for the second or 
third orgasm, when there is less ejaculate. 
Since you clearly enjoy sex and want to please 
your husband, we suspect that yowll find a 
way (o work this ош. Good luck. 


ІШІМЕ. friend is sall a virgin. She would 
like to engage in making love but is afraid 
she could become pregnant even if we were 
to use a condom. She wants to go on the 
pill, but Lam against that because of infor- 
n about the negative effects it can 
have on a girl. Please tell me what to do.— 
C. K., Tullahoma, Tennessee. 
Birth-control pills are still considered the 
best form of contraception for women under 
the age of 40 who don't smoke. The benefits 
Jar outweigh the infrequent drawbacks. You 
should tall with your family physician or your 
girlfriend should talk with her gynecologist to 
determine what methods of birth control 
might work best for the two of you. In the 


ma 


meantime, experiment with oral and manual 
sex—i.e., sex without репетапоп. Making 
love includes more than intercourse. 


Eier since my girlfriend and 1 saw Fatal 
Attraction, we have been arguing about ex- 
tramarital айайз. While a one-night stand 
with a stranger may have its dramatic val- 
ue, how many spouses actually take up 
кы е Зи Atlanta 
ui, 

Frederick Humphrey, of the University of 
Connecticut, studied 179 couples undergoing 
marital therapy. He found that husbands 
were involved in one or more affairs an aver- 
age of 29 months; wives, 21 months. Men 
were more likely (20 percent) to take up with 
strangers than were women (eight percent). 
For all the scare stories associating affairs 
with AIDS—or, in the case of “Fatal Altrac- 
tion,” with homicidal maniacs—u seems that 
people are still having them the old-fashioned 
way: with people they have known for a 
while, 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and eliquette—uill be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a slamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


stereo fits, wear it. 


Of course, we do have to add one 
footnote to all this. If it isn't a Sony it 
isn'ta Walkman. 


SON Y. 


THE ONE AND ONLY. 


choose, you can be sure of getting rich, 
crystal-clear stereo sound thats guaran- 
teed to put more fun in your life. And 
when it comes to personal stereo, nothing 
can be more fitting than that. 


AT SELECTED FINE STORES 


N°5 
CHANEL 


PERFUME 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


The question for the топі] 


Since sexual attraction is initially vis- 
ual, how would you make love to a 
blind man and get him to “see” you? 


Goa, that’s a great question. 1 do like to 
see a good-looking body. That turns me 
self in good shape, which 


partner. 
couldn't see 
me, he'd have 
to feel me. Sex 
talk is wonder- 
ful. Now that 
I'm really 
thinking about 
this, it could 
be very excit- 
ing. Touching 
and talking are 
really more im- 
portant than seeing. I could make love to a 
blind man. I'd stay and continue this con- 
versation, but I’m going to find one. 


ыу Mo 


KYMBERLY PAIGE 
MAY 1987 


Wouching. Creating an environment for 
sex with incense and classical music. 1 
love classical music when I'm making 
love. I don’t count on my looks or his. I 
do look for en- 
ergy and atti- 
tude, a sense of 
humor and a 
strong charac- 
шт. А power 
(ИЙ дәл Sebo 
ЕЛП treat vie 


like a woman, 


consideration. 
We could bathe 
together. I 
could give him a massage, rub oil on his 
back and then roll him over! He wouldn’t 
have to sce me. But I would do all of these 
things with the right guy whether he could 
see me or not. 


LUANN LEE 
JANUARY 1987 


Ein not too attached to my own looks. If 
the man were blind, Га first try to use 
my voice. It would be a little game. Since 
he couldn't see me, he'd have to use his 
imagination 
My voice, soft 
music, a пісе 
atmosphere 
and touching 
him around the 
face and hair. 
I'd massage 
him. I love the 
feel of skin. Га 
continue to talk 
to him, trying 
to make him 
feel comfort- 
able and relaxed. If he didn’t have looks to 
go on, he'd have to rely on feelings, his and 
mine. Touching would be very important. 
And, after a while, so would silence. 


a ЖУМЫ; 1 
(A 


\ 


REBECCA FERRATTI 
JUNE 1986 


Bre never had a relationship based on 
looks. If I were having a relationship with 
a blind man, I'd make sure my hair was in 
good condition and my skin was very 
smooth, be- 
cause different 
textures would 
be very impor- 
tant to him. He 
would be sensi- 
tive to touch. 
Smell would be 
important, too. 
Perfume would 
play a role 
His finger tips 
would be sensi- 
tive, I would be 
his eyes. It would be an honest relation- 
ship. Why? Because even if his friends told 
him I was a good-looking girl, at the end 
of the day, if my personality sucked, he 
wouldn't be interested. 


MARINA BAKER 
MARCH 1987 


What is sensuous, aside from seeing 
your partner? Skin. A healthy, supple 
body. A blind man could feel that. See- 
ing is nothing 
compared with 
touch. Soft 
hair. A fit 
body. In some 
ways, it might 
make an cn- 
counter easier if. 
it weren't. all 
based on the 
visual things 
Sex might be 
less inhibiting. 
On the other 
hand, Га be dishonest if I pretended that 
visual stimulation wasn't a part of sexual 
attraction. You just don’t need it as much 
when your other senses are working. 


AS 


JULIE PETERSON 
FEBRUARY 1987 


[гт can’t visually stimulate him, what can 
I do? Is that the question? I don’t think sex 
is all about physical beauty. It’s in the eye 
of the beholder. If two people care about 
each other, that 
in itself is stim- 
ulating. 1 feel 
confident about 
my attractivc- 
ness and I have 
a personality. 1 
can convey that 
to someone 
who can't see 
me. Also, Pm 
attracted to co- 
medians, men 
who can make 
me laugh and have something going for 
them besides a chiseled jaw. Humor is 
adorable and sexy. 


LYNNE AUSTIN 
JULY 1986 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


43 


r -. 


Perhaps you can't promise the moon, ” 
but you can still give something that's out of this world. 


Give the best Scotch in the world: 

Johnnie Walker Black Label. The Scotch thats aged 

twelve long years. Or 144 revolutions of the moon. - 
It has every right to be expensive. 


Johnnie Walker* 


Black Label Scotch 
YEARS 1 V OLD 
22 


Send a gift of Johnnie Walker” Black Label anywhere in the U.S.A. Call 1-800-243-3787. Void where prohibited. 
JOHNNIE WALKER» BLACK LABEL. 12 YEAR OLD BLENOEO SCOTCH WHISKY, 86.8 PROOF. BOTTLEO IN SCOTLAND, IMPORTEO BY DISTILLERS SOMERSET, NY, М.У. ©1986. 


PLAYBOY 


Ronald Reagan, 


FORUM 


WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU? 


lrangate was a result of President 
Reagan's ostensible concern for the 
U.S. citizens held captive in Lebanon. 
The invasion of Grenada, too, appar- 
ently stemmed from Presidential sym- 
pathy for a group of medical students 
who had stumbled into trouble on the 
Caribbcan islc. But can tourists like 
you and me count on the same kind of 
national rescue effort? Let me tell you 
what happened on my recent vacation. 
in South America. 

As I waited to board a flight out of 
Lima, Peru, with my brother Stuart 
and my friend Hal, a customs officer 
motioned us into a small room behind 
the airline ticket counter. The next 
thing we knew, two customs officials 
were rummaging through our suitcases 
and strip searching me. One of the 
officers squeezed out some of the tooth 
paste from my toilet kit, put it in a 
vial with a clear liquid and shook it. 
Nothing happened. Пе repeated this 
procedure with our soap, shampoo, de- 
odorant, eye drops, after-shave lotion 
and aspirin. Finally, he took out some 
presoaked tissues—like the towelettes 
they give you after dinner in a seafood 
restaurant—that my mother had 
bought for me at Fred’s Dollar Store in 
Eupora, Mississippi. He wrung them 
into the vial. The liquid turned blue 
and the room exploded in pandemoni- 
um. “Tengo gringo con cocaina,” the 
agent shouted into a walkie-talkie. A 
gringo with cocaine. I had apparently 
proved to be a drug smuggler. Four 
more customs men burst in, handcuffed 
me and pushed me against the wall. 

This was beginning to feel like Mid- 
night Express. The guards tore the li 
ing out of my suitcase and toilet kit, 
pulled the soles from my tennis shoes 
and ripped the pockets off my pants. 

After a while, a captain of the cus- 
toms service appeared and escorted 
me to a room where 15 members of the 
Lima press corps were waiting. The 
captain held up the towelettes, which 
he said held liquid cocaine; a half-emp- 
ty container of tooth paste, which he 
said was for hiding drugs; and the busi- 
ness card from my job as campaign 
manager for Senator Ernest Hollings of 
South Carolina, which he said showed 
I was an important politician. 

Meanwhile, Peru's crack customs 


By John Jameson 


tcam was "testing" our belongings 
again. One official put a few plaster 
threads from the cast on Hal's broken 
arm into a vial: cocaina again, Within 
five minutes, reporters were snapping 
pictures of us, the captain, the cast and 
the towelettes. Nothing of Stuart's test- 
ed positive, but he was arrested as “a 
suspicious character.” 

A few hours later, two consular 
officials from the U.S. embassy ar- 
rived. They had heard a radio broad- 
cast about our arrests. Ar last, friends 
to help us out of this absurd predica- 
ment. They listened to our story, then 
responded that “the State Department 
is not here to act as advocate for Ameri- 
cans arrested abroad." They tried to 
explain the cumbersome legal proce- 
dures we faced. They said that all they 
could do was try to ensure that we were 
treated no differently from Peruvian 
prisoners (not reassuring), contact a 
lawyer (whom we had to pick from an 
embassy list—a more specific recom- 
mendation would have violated their 
no-advocacy rule) and notify our 
families. We specifically asked that our 
parents and friends be told that phony 
drug tests had found cocaine in my 
towelettes and Hal’s cast, that we ex- 
pected that a different drug test would 
prove our innocence and that we would 
call home as soon as we were allowed. 

We were led off to jail. 

A guard unlocked the door and 
turned on the dim light. We were 
shocked to sce nine men covering every 
inch of the 6'x10* floor. The grimy 


walls were covered with graffiti prais- 
ing Pope John Paul 11 and with photos 
of Ursula Andress (nude) and Peruvian 
president Alan Garcia (fully clothed). 
During the course of our eight-day 
confinement, the inmate population 
гозс to 20. 

The next day's headlines and front- 
page photos in the Lima tabloids made 
us instant folk heroes among our cell- 
mates. According to the papers, we 
were “important American politicians” 
and “the cocaine in the cast was des- 
tined for Ronald Reagan's own con- 
sumption.” 

Incredibly, our Government seemed 
to accept the Peruvian officials’ version 
of events. One of the consular officials 
who had met us at the airport the day 
before came to the jail with the U.S. 
consul, I told our story once again. 
There had been a terrible mistake. We 
needed help arranging genuine tests to 
са vur ucs. But I soon realized 
that as far as this official was con- 
cerned, I was as good as convicted. 
“You are in a lot of trouble," she said. I 
would be held in detention for 15 days, 
then transferred to a prison for two to 
four years, awaiting trial. The ultimate 
sentence would be another ten to 15 
years. This was tantamount to a death 
sentence, for an American would never 
survive that long in a Peruvian jail. The 
consul seemed to relish her description 
of the brutal Peruvian prisons. Once we 
were convicted, she said, she would do 
her best to have us transferred to an 
American prison under the terms of a 
prisoner-exchange treaty with Peru. 
“No guarantee, of course.” 

She did agree to send a cable—col- 
lect—to our families and friends. In 
our hastily scrawled message, we ex- 
plained our predicament, implored our 
families not to come to Peru and asked 
them to have hope and patience. We 
said we expected to retain a Peruvian 
attorney shortly and we were optimistic 
that we would be coming home soon. 

. 

We tried to adjust to life іп prison. 
We wore the same fetid clothes day 
after day. If we were lucky, we got out 
twice a day: at eight am. for a shower 
and toilet break (for the rest of the day 
the only facilitics were Inca Gola bot- 
tles) and at — (concluded on page 52) 


MENTAL-HEALTH TESTING 

One evening, I accompanied 
my girlfriend to the medical lab 
where she works as a techni- 
cian. While I was there, I hap- 
pened to sec the results of drug 
tests performed on employees 
of a local manufacturing firm. 
A number of people had tested 
positive for cocaine, Cannabis 
and opiates. Also listed, howev- 
er, were those who had tested 
positive for antidepressants, 
lithium carbonate, Valium and 
Thorazine. These drugs are of- 
ten prescribed by psychiatri: 
175 astounding to me that em- 
ployers can usc drug testing 
not only to discover which em- 
ployces are using drugs recre- 
ationally but also to discover 
which ones are undergoing psy- 

chiatric treatment. 

(Name and address 

withheld by request) 


EUTHANASIA GOES 
TO THE VOTERS 

There is a bill pending in 
California called the Humane 
and Dignified Death Act. The 
legislation would. permit doc- 
tors to use any medical pro- 
cedure to end the life of a 
terminally ill, mentally com- 
petent patient who has signed a 
document requesting it. 

The bill guards against 
forced euthanasia, It would al- 
low a doctor—no one else—to 
terminate the life, and then on- 
ly if at least one other doctor 
has found the patient to have 
an incurable disease and to be 
likely to die within six months. 

The public favors doctor-as- 
sisted suicide for the terminally 
ill. In answer to the question 
Should incurably ill patients 
have the right to ask for and get 
life-ending medication? 64 per- 


FOR THE RECORD 


“ Ip 
MUSIC TO OUR... EA 

Score one for Canadian freedom. Glad Day Book- 
shop in Toronto has successfully appealed Cana- 
dian customs’ confiscation of the bookstore's 
shipment of The Joy of Gay Sex. In March 1986, Glad 
Day’s shipment was detained at the border—de- 
spite the fact that the book had been in circulation 
in Canada for almost ten years. The court ruling 
could force customs officials to rethink their present 
practice of prohibiting all materials depicting anal 
sex from entering the country, Judge D. 
Hawkins, who handed down the decision, offered an 
analogy worth noting: 

SI that the book deals rationally and unsen- 
sationally with the sexual practices of a substantial 
segment of the male population. However repug- 
nant the concept of anal sex may be to the hetero- 
sexual observer, it l find, thc central acı of 
homosexual practice. To write about. homosexual 
practices without dealing with anal intercourse 
would be equivalent to writing a history of music 
and omitting Mozart.” 


RELIGIOUS-RIGHT ROUNDUP 


Roman Catholic pontiff John 
Paul II met with 27 Protestant 
and Jewish leaders at an inter- 
denominational prayer service 
during his visit to South Caro- 
lina last September. Donald 
Jones, chairman of the reli- 
gious-studies department at the 
University of South Carolina, 
called the meeting “the most 
important ecumenical event in 


American religious history. 
But not everyone wants 
Christian unity. There arc 
those who want people to be- 
lieve only what they believe and 
want everyone to contribute 
only to their cause. Case in 
point: Jerry Falwell. He says he 
would have refused an invita- 
tion to meet the Pope (of 
course, he wasn’t offered one) 
because he doesn’t believe in 
ccumcnicism. Just another ex- 
ample of Falwell’s open-mind- 
edness. 
Billie Baker Wilkerson 
Corpus Christi, Texas 


The Reverend Jerry Falwell 
demonstrated what a tolerant 
guy he is when he urged his fol- 
lowers last September to boy- 
сой the Home Box Office 
movie Mandela, which drama- 
tized Nelson Mandela's strug- 
gle against apartheid in South 
Africa. Apparently, Falwell 
considers Mandela a Commu- 
nist and was concerned about 
the film's sympathetic portray- 
al. Falwell is against anything 
that rubs slightly against his 
grain, 

D. Wells 
Springfield, Massachusetts 


ANIMAL RIGHTS REDUX 

1 was very disappointed in 
your reply to my letter on ani- 
mal rights (The Playboy Forum, 


cent of 515 California adults polled said 
yes, 27 percent said no and nine percent 
were undecided. 

We think that the time has come for 
all American people—not just the citi- 
zens of California—to be able to vote on 
this serious issue and to decide for them - 
selves whether or not they want the right 
to die. 

Donald Gallagher 
Americans Against Human Suffering 
Glendale, California 


If the Reverend Donald Wildmon had 
gone public sooner in informing us that 
Holiday Inns provide adult movies to 
their patrons, he would have saved me 
the money that Гус been wasting on 
other motels. I'm switching to Holiday 
Inns. 

George F. Allan 
Lakeside, California 


October). It is paradoxical to say that 
you do not believe in inflicting pain on 
animals, yet you are not proponents of 
vegetarianism or of abandoning the use 
of animal skins for clothing. It is only 
through the murder of animals that 
meat, leather and fur exist. 

Besides the immoral imprisonment of 
nonhuman animals in grossly over- 
crowded factory farms and their unethi- 
cal slaughter, carnivorism inflicts real 


КИЛЕШЕ 


Forum 
Р О 


harm to human animals as well. A quar- 
ter of the world’s people are starving 
while vast amounts of land are foolishly 
tied up in feeding livestock to produce a 
few pounds of flesh for those selfish 
enough to eat it. 

For these reasons, | have already given 
up the minor pleasures of wearing 
leather and eating the butchered remains 
of animals. Now I must give up reading 
Playboy. 

Steve McRoberts 
St. Paul, Minnesota 


If you are not proponents of vegetari- 
anism, then you must think that in- 
flicting pain on animals is OK, or else 
your ignorance of life on a factory farm is 
acute. 

Rocky Leplin 
North Hollywood, California 


I congratulate you on your reply to 
Steve McRoberts. Those who maintain 
that we should halt trapping, hunting 
and utilizing animal products deny hu- 
mans the right to be part of nature. 

David L. Craig 
San Marcos, Texas 


The alternative to wearing fur is to 
wear fake fur. There are excellent imita- 
tions that neither look nor feel fake. 

Harley Cahen 
Ithaca, New York 


I'm not very comfortable with the in- 
creasingly fashionable concept of animal 
rights. The implication is that these 
rights are somehow God-given and in- 
alienable. They are not. The only rights 
animals have are those bestowed upon 
them by humans who wish to demon- 
strate their moral superiority over those 
of us who eat meat. 

Н. Matthews 
Chicago, Illinois 


PRO-LIFE 

I'm offended by the way you catego- 
rize people who are pro-life as being 
antipleasure (The Playboy Forum, Sep- 
tember). I am against abortion, yet 1 
don’t believe that sexual pleasure con- 

tributes to weak moral behavior. 
Jon Marqui 
Van Nuys, 
We didn't do the categorizing. We merely 
reported on a study conducted by the Insti- 


tute of Humanistic Science. 


GOOD NEWS FROM THE COURTS. 

Thank heavens there are some judges 
who use common sense. Here’s the story. 
A so-called Jane Doe found out that her 
husband was bisexual and had been in- 
volved in several homosexual affairs. She 
divorced him immediately. He told her 
that he had tested negative for the AIDS 
virus, but she took him to court any- 
way—seeking damages for the mental 
anguish she suffered from fear of AIDS. 
A New York State Supreme Court judge 


They advertise it so sweet. 
— BENNY LEE WILKERSON, 


Navy veteran 


“Join the Navy, sce the world.” 
"Aim high. Be an Air Force pilot.” 
“The Armed Forces: It’s a great way to 
start.” “We're not a company, we're 
your country.” “The few, dic proud, 
the Marines.” "It's not just a job, it's 
an adventure.” “We do more before 
nine am. than most people do all day.” 

"There's no question about it, the mil- 
itary has some catchy slogans on its 
side—and American young people are 
listening and enlisting at the rate of 
more than 200,000 per year. But the 
ads they see on television are a sani- 
tized, glamorized version of life in the 
military, 

С.С.С.О/А National Agency for 
Military and Draft Counseling is a tax- 
exempt, nonprofit civilian agency that 
aims to show our youth what the mili- 
tary is really about. Knowing both sides 
of the story is the only way to make an 
informed and conscientious decision. 

Most of C.C.C.O.'s material is pro- 
vided by veterans, who have learned 
about military life the hard way—by 
living it. They want to ensure that the 
next generation is more enlightened 
than they were. 

If you are considering joining one of 
the Armed Services as a means of pay- 
ing for your education, of learning a 
trade or of secing the world, please con- 
tact us before you enlist. We'll give you 
fact, not fantasy. 

Lou Ann Merkle 

C.C.C.O. 

2208 South Street 

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19146 


М 6 Е 


dismissed her claim, stating that if Mrs. 
Doe were allowed to sue, any person 
whose spouse was sleeping around could 
bring a damage action for “AIDS -pho- 
“In this day and age,” the judge 
any deviation from the marital 
nest could possibly result in exposure to 
AIDS.” 


P. Myers 
Santa Fe, New Mexico 
(continued on page 48) 


READER RESPONSE 
(continued) 


PX PLEA 

I recently read that Senator Bill Arm- 
strong of Colorado is heading a campaign 
to remove Playboy, Penthouse and other 
adult material from military retail stores. 

These magazines may seem like unnec- 
essary luxuries to someone who's never 
been far from home, but to a young GI sta- 
tioned in remote Grafenwöhr or at the Ko- 
rean DMZ, they are a life line to home. 
Take them away and see a drastic reduc- 
tion in morale. 

But there are other reasons to fight Sen- 
ator Armstrong's campaign. The members 
of the Armed Forces have sworn to uphold 
and defend the Constitution of the United 
States. One price we have to pay for this 
privilege is the reduction of our own con- 
stitutional rights. The elimination of some 
rights is necessary for good military order 
and discipline. But what is the reasoning 
behind Armstrong’s initiative in removing 
our reading material? Does he think that 
the absence of Playboy will make us better 
military people? Does he think he’s pro- 
tecting us from seditious matter? No, I 
think that he and his fundamentalist 


friends are searching for a precedent. If 


they succeed in forbidding Playboy to the 
military, they'll have an easier time forbid- 
ding it to the public. 
Turge you to help defeat this initiative. 
The American Civil Liberties Union is ac- 
tive in the fight against Armstrong and his 
campaign. It needs your support. 
(Name and address 

withheld by request) 


SPREAD THE WORD 


West Hollywood, California, officials 
ve the right idea. They are making mas- 
stores and other 
adult-only businesses hand out informa- 
if they want 
their licenses renewed. One official. cx- 
plained: “There's a lot of good informa- 
tion around, but it's not getting out to the 
public, particularly to the heterosexual 
community. By having the literature [at 
adult establishments], it encourages pto- 
ple to understand that sex is good, sex is 
healthy, but it should be done safely.” 


sage parlors, adult-bool 


tion about safe sex and AID! 


Good for West Hollywood. 
J- Carpenter 
Los Angeles, 


SEX-ED UPDATE 
Northwestern University Medical 
School has a program called Discovery, in 
which third-year medical students teach 
inner-city seventh- and cighth-grade stu- 
dents sex education in two separate onc- 
hour presentations. In a studv of more 
than 1000 children, test scores rose by 32 
percent on а 20-question true-false, multi- 
ple-choice test. On retesting ten weeks lat- 
er, the children had virtually 100 percent 


retention of their new knowledge. 
What do these youngsters do with their 
knowledge? Docs scx education reduce 
teenage pregnancy? Unfortunately, there 
are few studies to demonstrate that sex- 
education courses have any impact on be- 
havior—good or bad. Children also need 
a reason not to get pregnant. To this end, 
Northwestern has established a program 
called Horizons, in which medical stu- 
dents try to motivate children to study 
harder in school and to take more control 
of their lives. ‘This one-hour program 
affects nearly 20,000 Chicago public 
school children per year. 
Michael D. Benson, M.D. 
Chicago, Illinois 


МО PROGRESS IN GEORGIA 

Apparently, nonc of the city commis- 
sioners in Gainesville, Georgia, has heard 
that the U.S. Surgeon General, Everett 
Koop, advocates the use of condoms in 
preventing the spread of AIDS. A restau- 
tant owner in Gainesville was hauled into 
court for installing condom machines in 
the restaurants rest rooms. He hadn't 
known that he was violating a 52-year-old 
ordinance that outlaws the sale or distribu- 


tion of any “article or medical device . . . 


с of prudery is eternal vigi- 
lance. For years, we've marveled at the 
lengths to which television censors will 
go to protect viewers from what the 
Censors consider disturbing images. For 

never hear the soun 
of a toilet flushing on TV or see swe: 
in a deodorant commercial or sec toilet 
paper next to the toil 


for the prevention of venereal disease or in- 
fections within city limits . . . except by 
regularly licensed physicians, druggists or 
persons operating under a city drug li 
cense,” 
Of course, this ordinance still stands. 
How's that for progress? 
Charles E. Arnold 111 
Jonesboro, Georgia 


HERE, THERE, EVERYWHERE 
I thought you might be interested in a 
study conducted recently at Kansas State 
University. Two researchers surveyed 189 
students, aged 12 to 19, in the small Kan- 
sas town of Herington and found that rural 
teens are as sexually active and as careless 
about contraceptives as their urban peers. 
An astonishing 27 percent of the boys and 
six percent of the girls had engaged in sex 
by the age of 14; 53 percent of the boys and 
59 percent of the girls had engaged in sex 
by the age of 19; and 58 percent of the boys 
and 45 percent of the girls reported not 
having used a contraceptive during thcir 
first sexual encounter. Some of those ur- 
ban school birth-control clinics should be 
transplanted to farm country. 
J. Hanson 
Kansas City, Kansas 


As for relationships between the sex- 
es, forget real life. Ralph Danicls,a cen- 
NBC, recently told The Wall 
Journal that he had to put a 
tooth-paste commercial that showed 
lingering kisses on a restricted sched- 
ule. because the “kissing was more 
openmouthed than appropriate.” 

Prime time is not ready for French 
kissing, but what about the regular 
kind? Did you know that two people 
can't kiss in a TV commercial unless 
they're both wearing wedding rings? 
“We aren't trying to promote promis: 
cuous behavior through advertising 
says the redoubtable Daniels. But what 
if the two are married to different peo- 
ple; heh, buzo? 

We always thought that print jour- 
nalists were above this kind of flagrant 
horseshit, but no. . . . The New York 

Times recently banned the 

Charlie ad pictured here. 

Times spokeswoman. Mar- 
jorie Longley said, “We thought it was 
in poor taste, and that's all there is to 
it. We are very strict on taste in The 
New York Times. We consider ourselves 
a family newspaper.” 

Not to be outdone, Fred Hayward, 
director of Men's Rights Media Watch, 
called the Charlie ad one of the worst of 
1987. “Just imagine the reaction i 
roles in that photo were reversed." 

Why should we? We're having too 
much fun contemplating our feclings. 


Ы E VS, FEF RON OF 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


NURSING MOTHERS, BEWARE 

DUBUQUE, IOWA—A woman who breast 
feeds her baby in public could run into 
trouble under Dubuque's amended ordi- 
nance agaist indecent exposure. Pro- 
voked by an incident in which a woman 
exposed her bare breasts to passing mo- 
torists on a downtown street, the city coun- 
cilvoted to include “female breast nipples” 
among the private parts that could not be 
displayed in public. One councilman ob- 
jected, saying that banning nursing was 


an invasion of privacy. The police chief. 
who had proposed the amendment, cau- 
tioned women to nurse discreetly. Convic- 
tion on the charge could result in 30 days 
in jail or a $100 fine. 


THE GOOD, THE BAD 
AND THE UGLY 


Federal circuit courts in Tennessee and 
Alabama overturned lower-court rulings 
that favored fundamentalist plaintiffs 
who objected to public school textbooks on 
the grounds that they offended their Chris- 
tian beliefs. A lawyer for People for the 
American Way called the circuil-court de- 
cisions “a greal triumph for the public 
school system.” 

U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice 
William H. Rehnquist, acting on an ap- 
peal by the Reagan Administration, 
blocked a U.S. district-court ruling and 
reinstated Federal funding to religious 
groups that counsel teenagers to abstain 
from sex. The lower court had held that 
funding religious groups under the 1981 
Adolescent Family Life Act violated the 
constitutional principle of separation of 
church and state. The statute will remain 


in effect pending review by the Supreme 
Court. 

A St. Louis circuit-court jury rejected 
a woman’ claim that she suffered 
$4,000,000 worth of damages from 
watching 16 minutes of “Deep Throat.” 
Her attorney argued that his client was a 
victim of post-traumatic stress syndrome, 
but psychiatrists for the defense said that 
the woman displayed signs of chronic 
schizophrenia that could not have been 
caused by a single short-term event. 


ALL IN THE FAMILY 


cmicaco—More than 60 percent of 
teenaged mothers in an Illinois survey re- 
ported that they had been sexually abused 
as children, and many were in abusive re- 
Lationships with men or boys. The director 
of a social-service group for teenaged 
mothers says, "[These girls] were led to be- 
Шеше at a very early age that they could 
mot say no to sex." They feel powerless, un- 
able to prevent the abuse of their own 
children. “The best way to protect thetr 
children is by teaching them to be protec- 
five, nurturing parents.” The director of 
the state's Department of Children and 
Family Services called the numbers “stag- 
gering" and added, "When we investigate 
the abuse of a child, we will ask more 
questions of family members and tailor our 
counseling efforts to the whole family.” 


AIDS: AT HOME AND ABROAD 

The U.S. Public Health Service ts now 
requiring AIDS tests for all immigrants 
and refugees. The new regulation will 
affect about 660,000 immigrants and 
refugees, in addition to those who hold 
temporary visas. 

The Soviet Union, with the world's 
strictest anti-AIDS law, provides a five- 
year jail term for any carrier of the virus 
who engages in sex with another person. 
Police have the authority to apprehend 
suspected AIDS carriers for compulsory 
testing. 

The London Times reports thal а 
World Health Organization advisor has 
linked the spread of AIDS in Africa to 
WHO's smallpox-eradication campaign. 
According to the Times, “The greatest 
spread of HIV infection coincides with the 
most intense immunization programs.” 
Dr. Robert Gallo, a noted AIDS re- 
searcher, has long held that the use of live 
vaccines can activale a dormant infection 
“No blame can be attached to WHO,” he 
says, “but if the hypothesis is correct, itis a 
tragic situation.” 


COITUS INTERRUPTUS 

LOS ANGELES—A municipal judge dis- 
missed charges of distributing harmful 
material to minors against Jello Biafra, 
former lead singer of the Dead Kennedys, 
after the jury became deadlocked in the case 
involving the punk band's album “Frank- 
enchrist.” The item defined as harmful mat- 
ter was a poster—enclosed in the album — 
of a painting called “Penis Landscape,” 
by Swiss surrealist Н. R. Giger, depicting 
ten sets of copulating male and female 
genitalia (“The Playboy Forum,” October 
1986). The attorney for the defendant ex- 
plained to the court that the poster, lyrics 
and music symbolized “a simple hope that 
we will stop screwing our fellow man.” 


PECKER-UPPER 

Moscow — The first Soviet clinic for im- 
potent men is opening in Leningrad and 
will offer treatment with a device that, 
though not described by the Soviet press, is 
presumably a prosthesis that helps the user 
maintain an erection. According to an ar- 
ticle in the magazine Nedelya, “Good re- 
sults have been achieved by drivers, pilots 
and seamen—all types of men who, be- 
cause of their work, spend a long time 
traveling and come home tired.” 


WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERS 

rosvo—More sex and laughter will 
stem the rising morlality rate of Japa- 
nese executives, al least according to Dr. 


Kiyoyasu Arikawa, who has gone on the 
road to advocate less work and more sex 
and fun. "Going without [sex],” he says, 
“exacerbates the stress level.” He also pre- 
scribes walking for 30 minutes a day. 


49 


How many times have you sat through 
an antiporn diatribe or listened to a 
fundamentalist rail against crotica and 
wondered, Who will stand up for por- 
nography? We asked Canadian philoso- 
pher Dr. F. M. Christensen to respond to 
some of the clichéed antiporn arguments. 
PLAYBOY: Is pornography a recent phe- 
nomenon? 

Буға: Humans have produced 
pornography for thousands of years. The 
artists of ancient Greece, India and 
Japan produced quite a bit of sexually 
explicit art. In ancient Tahiti, family en- 
tertainment included the portrayal of a 
variety of sex acts, and ancient Polyne- 
sians held nude beauty contests. In most 
carly societies, evidently pornography was 
not considered disgusting or degrading. 
тлувоу: Why do we have pornography? 
CHRI! Pornography is something 
like theater or spectator sports. Humans 
can get enjoyment by watching others 
because we have the ability to fantasize. 
In particular, we fantasize about sex; in 
fact, it’s so natural that we even fantasize 
in our slccp. Pornography is a simple cx- 
tension of sexual fantasy. It is an alterna- 
tive way of satisfying, albeit imperfectly, 
some very strong needs and desires. 
PLAYBOY: But some people say that that 
makes pornography dehumanizing. 

єн! sex: On the contrary, nothing is 
more human than sexual fantasies and 
feclings. If anyone is trying to dehuman- 
ize us, it is those who would denigrate 
our sexuality. 

PLAYBOY: Docs pornography turn people 
into sex objects? 

CH sen: Our long tradition of de- 
the body, and sex in particular, 
underlies this charge. An exercise video 
tape has just as much focus on the physi- 
cal body—or the body as object—as 
does a pornographic movie. Why is sex 
object a common charge while exercise 
object is not? 

PLAYBOY: Does pornography reduce peo- 
ple to body parts? 

CHRISTEN: Look through almost any 
nonerotic magazine and you will find ad- 
vertisements and articles featuring hair, 
hands, hips, feet, etc. They may be sell- 
ing foot powder or explaining how to 
keep hips in trim or how to reduce back 
pain. They are never condemned for re- 
ducing people to body parts. The real 
reason for the attack on pornography is 
that some people consider sex organs 
shameful. 


PLAYBOY: 


Is pornography very narrow- 


minded? Does it present people as being 
nothing but sexual beings; does it carry 
the message that sex is all we're good for? 
CHRISTENSEN: Most pornography has a 
limited scope; it contains little else be- 
sides sex. This is partly because sexual 
activity has been excluded from socially 
respectable portrayals of human experi- 
ence; it has been driven out into a realm 
by itself, But almost all events, from 
sports to concerts, are specialized in their 
content. They all portray a limited view 
of human life. There are magazines that 
specialize in sports, food, music, hob- 
bies, fashion, etc. Do these publications 
portray people as whole human beings? 


Do movies or novels that do not have sex 
scenes deny our completeness? No. Hu- 
man wholeness in no way precludes 
focusing on one aspect of ourselves at 
a time, 

CHRISTENSEN: You presume that pornog- 
raphy makes all women angry. This is 
not true. In fact, many of them enjoy sex- 
ually explicit presentation. Video dealers 
report that women and couples rent most 
X-rated movies. There are many women 
who are angered by pornography. How- 
ever, the main reason for their anger 
stems from the bodily shame we've all 
been conditioned to feel. "Those feelings 
are not healthy, and the best way to solve 
this problem is to educate people to be 
comfortable with their bodies. Another 
reason for women's anger is that they feel 
their carcers have been restricted. In the 
past, they were largely limited to being 
sex partners and mothers and were not 
valued by society for their intelligence or 
creativity. Consequently, emphasis on a 
woman's desirability to men is seen as 
something bad in itself. The solution to 
this problem is not to climinate attrac- 
tion between the sexes but to continue to 
expand women’s opportunities. 
pava: Do men’s-magazines’ images of 
women create an unreal standard of 
beauty? 

CHRISTENSEN: The women pictured іп, 
say, Playboy have faces and figures that 
the average woman can’t match. Hence, 
comparison with them can only make a 
woman feel inferior and insecure. This is 
obviously not a legitimate objection to 
nudity itself. Should Playboy publish pic- 
tures of less attractive women? That 
wouldn't really satisfy those who object 
to pornography, for they don't make this 
same charge about idealization else- 
where in the media and the culture. For 
instance, children on television and in 
the movies are almost always cute and 
charming. The models in women's fash- 
ion magazines are certainly above aver- 
age in attractiveness. How does an 
average man feel when he compares him- 
self with most male movie stars? He cer- 
tainly can’t match their looks or status. 
But the real point here is that neither the 
media nor pornography creates the ideal 
of beauty. Every culture has its standard 
of physical attractiveness, and those who 
fall short feel inadequate. This problem 
will exist with or without pornography. 
PLAYBOY: Is pornography male propagan- 
da? It portrays women as being sexually 
assertive and (concluded overleaf) 


ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY 


My favorite buzz word of the porn flap 
is objectification. It is used to describe 
everything: the 62 cents females carn to 
the male dollar, catcalls and whistles on 
the street, pictures of Degas ballerinas 
and Miss January. It is what the Meese 
commission says is wrong with represen- 
tations of sex, why librarics are taking 
books off shelves and paintings with sex- 
ual themes have been removed from art 
galleries. 

When feminists in the carly Seventies 
attacked objectification, they protested 
against women's real lack of self-de- 

i —low pay, paltry political 
n, limited educational op- 
nate bur- 


representa 
portunities and disproporti 
dens in the home. Those femi 
effective because they correctly identified 
a problem and fought for its remedy. 
They won abortion rights, some af- 
firmative-action decisions and a slight 
crease in the availability of good day 
care. A few women even got into politics 
or won access to better jobs and рау 

The fundamentalists who later adopt- 
ed the word objectification have been us- 
ing it in a very different way. Eager to 
roll back the feminist advances of the 
Seventies, they tell women that their 
problems begin not with poverty or pow- 
erlessness but with disrespect. Men 
aren't treating them right. Men are treat- 
ing them like sexual objects. Wouldn't 
they like to be treated like ladies again? 

Some feminists have also succumbed 
to the idea that sexual objectification is 
evil. After years of a daunting battle 
against a sexist economy and sexist poli- 
tics, many women have tired. Desperate 
for a speedier victory, they have picked a 
weaker enemy. Sex and depictions of sex, 
convenient scapegoats in America, have 
proved perfect patsies. 

I think it’s time to ask precisely when 
objectification is degrading and when it’s 
a lark. If we, especially women, fail to 
make that distinction, we'll end up out- 
lawing all art—and all fleeting glances— 
in an effort to rid ourselves of the 
demeaning works. We'll end up denying 
ourselves the cgo boost and thrill of ad- 
miration, hoping—mistakenly—to cn- 
sure our independence and well-being. 
‘That would be not only throwing out the 
baby with the bath water but one-stop 
shopping for a chador. 

As a political condition, objectification 
is frightful. 105 a humiliating state in 
which women are ridiculed as baubles, 
“protected” as figurines, raped in and 


“It’s time to ash precisely 
when objectification is 
degrading and 

when it’s a lark.” | 


22 


АНАТ 


RE I 


ош of marriage and denied equal wages. 
But in the playful realm of art, games 
and sex, objectification is one of life's 
charms. All of us love attention. No one, 
to my knowledge, gets dressed up to be 
ignored. We want admiration, pure and 
simple. Every performer needs it on 
stage. Every player needs it on the ficld. 
Everyone needs it in bed. 

The distinction between the workaday 
world of money and power and the play- 
ful world of art, games and sex is crucial. 
Economics and politics are serious in a 
way that play isn’t, even when it absorbs 
your attention completely—as any good 
drama or round of golf will do. Econom- 


De 
52 
S 
19) 


a SR Ss 


ics and politics determine your ability to 
make a living. Playful activities, such as 
games and flirtations, are designed to 
display the body or its skills. They are 
calculated to arouse admiration, emotion 
and fantasy—often the very feclings we 
don't dare act out in the grave arenas of 
real life. Most important, we play for 
free. Our live od or survival doesn't 
depend upon the game. 

A performance of Swan Lake and the 

romance that it makes both dancers and 
audience feel are part of play. Ticket 
prices and the salaries of the performers 
are not. The effort and excitement of the 
world series are play; player trades are 
not, Falling in love is play; paying the 
mortgage is not. Sex is play; birth control 
is not. Looking at porn is play; the mod- 
els’ fees are not. Bondage between lovers 
is play; a beating in an alley is not. Rape 
fantasies are play; rape is not. 
1 only can we recognize these dis- 
linctions, we are highly sensitive to them. 
Our defenses go up and our tactics 
change the minute things get serious. 
Just uy overduing it with a friend's 
Maier 
find yourself at war. 

When we are seen, objectified, across 
the footlights, in a crowded room or on a 
bed, we are playing. And we are flat- 
tered. Anyone who has ever been looked 
up and down knows the feeling. 

If a man looks at a woman's breasts 
and hips and is aroused, it’s play. If she 
sleeps with him for a night’s wages or 
stays married to him because she can't 
support their children alonc, it's not. 

It's outside the context of play that 
objectification becomes humiliating and 
brutal. And it's outside play, in the real 
world of cash and clout, that. women 
must fight against it. There are plenty 
of opportunities to test our mettle. But 
let’s not confuse the dangers of objecti- 
fication with its delights. Let's fight dis- 
crimination and contempt—not “dirty” 
pictures. Let’s go after anti-abortion- 
ists—not “sinful” sex. Let's not waste 
our time fighting paper tigers. 

Women can demand jobs and money 
and still play. Women can exercise 
authority and still play around. To those 
who are struggling hard to be taken seri- 
ously at work and at home, this may 
sound Utopian. But why not go for 
broke? It would be a shame to settle for 
less. [Us certainl: women's interest to 


kecp objectification in the realm of play. 
— MARCIA PALLY 


But to keep it. 


51 


PORN DEBATE 
(continued) 


uninhibited, and that is just not neces- 
sarily so. 

CHRISTENSEN: In this respect, pornography 
is no different from any other fiction. It is 
not real life, its characters are idealized; 
they fulfill someone's fantasy. Docs good 
always triumph over evil? Docs truc love 
always last forever? These are fantasies, 
too—not portrayals of real In fact, 
avoiding depicting sexuality in a work is 
more unrealistic, for it suggests that wom- 
en and men are nonsexual. 

PLAYBOY: Does pornography promote rape? 
CHRISTENSEN: Some radical feminists make 
charges like that, but they are absurd 
when applied to nonviolent pornography. 
It’s important to realize that these people 
make similar libelous claims about men 
and male sexuality in general. They say 
that all men are by nature violent. These 
extremists see antifemale messages every- 
where. To them, sexual comments are nev- 
er appreciative, only hostile. Similarly, 
then, they view pornography as another 
expression of men’s desire to dominate 


women, not of their desire to have and 
share sexual pleasure. 

Emotional reactions against pornogra- 
phy tell more about the complainant's 
own sexual ions than about pornog- 
raphy. The fact is that these arguments are 
false and, indeed, potentially very harm- 
ful. Anyone who hears them should coun- 
ter with the truth. 


Dr. Christensen has written a pamphlet ti- 
ted “Pornography: The Other Side,” avail- 
able for 83.50 (54 Canadian) from the 
Gender Issues Education Foundation, P.O. 
Box 9065, Station E, Edmonton, Alberta 
TSP 4КІ 


REAGAN 


(continued) 


midday for our only meal (nearly raw 
meat, greasy fries and rancid tea). Hal, 
Stuart and I got this special treat by buy- 
ing it from the police. The others got 
bread and soup. Sleep was almost impos- 
sible. Even when I managed to find an 
open patch of concrete, there were stink- 
ing, sweating fect in my face and on the 
back of my head, and a body across my 
legs or chest. The only way to relieve the 
excruciating back pain was to stand up— 
and give up precious floor space. 

In the meantime, an officer 
State Department told our fami 
Hal and I had been arrested with more 
than a kilogram of cocaine between us. He 
never mentioned the cast or the towelettes 
or the “test” that had shown them to con- 
tain drugs. He simply told them roughly 
what the consul had told us: that Hal and 
I were likely to languish in a Peruvian 
prison for more than tcn years. Far from 
informing our familics that we claimed to 
be innocent, this official even went so far 
as to tell Hal’s mother that Hal “should 
have known better,” since he was a 
lawyer. And the consul never sent our ca- 
ble. I later found out that she had with- 
held it because, in her judgment, we were 
distraught when we wrote it. 

Finally, after six days of confinement, 
we received good news. A follow-up drug 
test, carried out in a laboratory, showed 
that our personal items contained no 
drugs. The vials that had brought us un- 
der suspicion of drug smuggling contained 
a chemical that reacts to ether— which, as 
it happens, is used in making both cocaine 
and plaster casts. It also reacts to other 
chemicals, such as those present in the 
presoaked towelettes they sell at Fred’s 
Dollar Store. 


Afier a few days, we were on our way 
home. 

In responding to our complaints about 
the briefings our families got from the 
State Department, Jack Adams, director 
of the State Department's Citizens Emer- 
gency Center, asked us to “understand” 
that such briefings “will always be less in- 
formative than those directly from our em- 
bassy, because they are working only with 
the information received by telegram and 
short telephone conversations.” Why, 1 
wonder, can't consular officials squeeze 
more information into their telegrams and 
phonc calls? 

Of course, our Government can't pro- 
tect U.S. citizens wherever we go. Ameri- 
cans do commit crimes abroad, and they 
have no right to expect a bail-out from the 
State Department when they get caught 
But that doesn’t mean that officers of the 
US. Government can be casual about the 
Presumption of innocence. Adams denied 
that the State Department assumed we 
were guilty but added that “it is not ap- 
propriate for officers to speculate on the 
probable innocence of an arrested citi- 
zen," even though all we asked his staff to 
do was tell our families that we said we 
were innocent. 

“We cannot impose our legal, judicial 
or social standards on foreign countries,” 
Adams said—a principle that, if applied, 
would invalidate about half of American 
foreign policy. 

. 

On the flight back to Miami, I recount- 
ed our ordeal to the man sitting next to 
me. He just shook his head. “If you get in 
trouble in a foreign land,” he told me with 
a travel-weary sigh, “call the British or the 
Israelis. They take care of you.” 


John Jameson is a Mississippi native and a 
Duke University School of Law graduate. 
He is now working as a political consultant 
in Washington, D.C. 


Are antiporn preachers turning 
their flocks into sex obsessives? 

That's a definite possibility, ac- 
cording to a Texas research team that 
has confirmed what most people al- 
ready suspect: If you try not to think 
about something, that’s all you can 
think about 

The researchers set up experiments 


in which they asked a group of college 
students not to think about a white 
bear. They instructed another group 
to think about a white bear, along 


with other things, at will. Sure 
enough, the students in the first group 
couldn't get the bear out of their 
minds. They reported that that image 


invaded their thoughts far more often 
than did those in the second group. 

So can we gather that if people are 
repeatedly told not to think about sex, 
they will think about little else? 

Let's do our own test. Ready? 
Think of a beautiful nude woman 
stretched out diagonally across the 
wrinkled pink sheets of a king-size 
bed, eyes closed, breathing heavily, 
moaning softly, her left hand gently 
squeezing a breast as her right hand 
reaches down past her slowly thrust- 
ing pelvis to run her finger. . . 

Cut. Now, keep that image out of 
your mind. 

We rest our case. 


Pure Joy 


ж 


(And we'll deliver...tomorrow morning) 


Imagine a superbly crafted electronic 
instrument, powerful enough to pro- 
tect against traffic radar, miniaturized 
enough to slip into a shirt pocket, 
beautiful enough to win an inter: 
national design award—and advanced 
enough, thanks to its sophisticated 
Rashid-rejection circuitry, to obsolete 
the detectors of every other maker. 

Then imaginc finding one with. 
your name on it. 


MAV1987 y 


Best Anywhere 
Money magazine, May 1987, listed 99 
Things That Americans Make Best. "All of these 
widely available US-made goods... are clearly 
superior to their overseas competitors, over 
whelmingly dominate their markets or are: 
Outstanding or novel that they have no weil 

known international counterpart” 
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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER 


a candid conversation about mind over muscle with the well-built, 
well-married and wealthy champion—yo, Sly!—of action movies 


The legend is well known: how an Austri- 
an-born muscleman, having smglehandedly 
transformed the sport of bodybuilding into a 
national pastime, went on to conquer Holly- 
wood. There, portraying a series of enter- 
taining comic-book — superheroes—from 
gargantuan cavemen lo monster robots—he 
created a new kind of strong man. His char- 
acters were invincible, often brutal, yet be- 
trayed, if one squinted, a certain vulnerability. 

The formula proved. highly baukable for 
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Blockbuster films 
such as “The Terminator,” “Conan the Bar- 
barian,” “Conan the Destroyer” and “Сот- 
mando” grossed more than $100,000,000 
each. And as the revenues rolled in, they 
made Schwarzenegger rich. His subsequent 
investments, mostly in real estate, enhanced 
his reputation for shrewdness. The record 
shows that he owns several apartment com- 
plexes in Los Angeles; that he sold a 
$10,000,000 investment property in Denver 
a few years ago; that he oums another 
$10,000,000 office block in midtown Santa 
Monica; and that he's thinking about de- 
veloping a Chicago-style Merchandise Mart 
in California. Forbes magazine recently 
estimated his two-year income from invest- 
ments and holdings to be approximately 
$26,000,000. 

Such wealth, especially among the movie- 


“In the old days, bodybuilders talked about 
eating two pounds of meat and 30 eggs a day 
and about how they couldn't have sex, and so 
оп. And 1 said to myself, "Who the fuck wants 
to be part of that kind of sport?” 


slar elite, is not unique. What sealed Schwar- 
zenegger's gnp on the American dream was 
his remarkable entry into society. In the 
spring of 1986, he walked off with one of the 
country’s great romantic prizes, Мапа 
Shriver. A niece of John F. Kennedy, Shriver 
had beauty, brains and breeding—and 
served lo replace her groom's recently expired 
green card with the ultimate blue-blood cre- 
dentials. The man who had won five Mr. 
Universe and seven Mr. Olympia titles had 
completed his conquests. 

Yet this remarkable journey from Austrian 
weight room io international stardom has not 
been easy. Born 40 years ago in Graz, Aus- 
tria, Arnold Schwarzenegger had a strict up- 
bringing. His father was a military man who, 
after World War Two, became the district po- 
lice chief; his mother also had a strong sense 
of discipline. Feeling penned in, he sought 
release in sports. 

His father had wanted him to be a soccer 
champ, so at the age of 15, Schwarzenegger 
began lifting weights to strengthen his legs. 
He was taken with the regimen and began to 
study bodybuilding muscle by muscle—learn- 
ing how each muscle worked, how to shape 
them. Soon he began to devote himself entirely 
10 weight training. His obsession alarmed his 
parents, who eventually forbade him to go to 
the gym more than three nights a weck. Un- 


“I experienced а lot of prejudice. The people 
in Hollywood had many reasons why 1 could 
not make it: my accent, my body, my long 
name. You have to establish yourself in such a 
way that no one else can compete with you.” 


daunted, he built his own gym in an unheat- 
ed room in the house. He watched Steve 
Reeves and Reg Park muscle movies. Enlist- 
ing in the army in 1965, after high school, he 
used his stint in the service as yet another 
vehicle for weight training. His dream, how- 
ever, was to compete in America. 

He arrived in the U.S. іп 1967 with “Little 
more than a gym bag” and high school Eng- 
lish. Schwarzenegger knew that he had two 
things going for him: a charismatic personal- 
ity and a strong will. “My desire,” he stated 
in his autobiography, “was to train one whole 
year and beat everybody in America.” The 
hard work paid off in the form of titles, most 
dramatically in 1970, when he was named 
Mr. Universe (jor the fifth time), Mr. World 
and Mr. Olympia—a hat trick that no other 
professional bodybuilder has repeated in a 
single year. 

In addition to his determination, Schwar- 
zenegger also showed another trait in. those 
early years: sly manipulativeness. During 
competition, he would use a variety of tactics 
to psych out his rivals. In the documentary 
“Pumping Iron,” he was shown playing on 
competitors! insecurities en route 10 grabbing 
the Mr. Olympia title. The New York 
Times, т a review of the movie, described 
Schwarzenegger's methods of 7 [messing] up 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE 


“I have a love interest in every one of my 
films—a gun. It doesn’t always have to be a 
woman. That's boring. Besides, you have to 
understand: In most action movies, women 
are in the way.” 


PLAYBOY 


56 


his opponents.” . . . He uses the guarded ca- 
maraderie that precedes the compelition to 
play all kinds of one-up games.” 

Comfortable in his adopted land, 
Schwarzenegger began to think about making 
the United States his home. He had already 
evinced a shrewd head for capitalism, start- 
ing a weightlifting mail-order-catalog busi- 
ness under the name Arnold Strong. Now, 
bored with the limited glories of competition, 
he became enamored of that tried-and-true 
American path to celebrity: movie stardom, 
Though prepared for a struggle in Holly- 
wood, he got lucky fast. Running into a 
friend who was working on Robert Altman's 
“The Long Goodbye,” Schwarzenegger was 
invited to the set to meet the director. Altman 
eventually hired him as the character whose 
primary purpose was lo beat wp Elliott 
Gould. In the credus, he was billed as Amold 
Strong. 

Pleased with the experience, he began to 
take his budding acting career seriously, 
working with professionals on his accent, his 
voice, his talent—lessons he continues today. 
His next major appearance—in “Stay Hun- 
gry,” with Jeff Bridges and Sally Field—was 
his breakthrough film, earning Schwarzeneg- 
ger a Golden Globe as best newcomer in films. 
From there, he was on to ІШЕ roles, spe- 
cifically in the “Conan” series. 

But it was Schwarzenegger's portrayal of 
the title role m “The Terminator,” in 1984, 
that secured his fame: He was named Inter- 
national Star of the Year, and the movie was 
listed among the ten best films of the year by 
Time magazine. Ihe subsequent lop-grosser 
“Commando” —as well as “Raw Deal” and 
last year’s "Predator"—confirmed his grow- 
ing popularity. That popularity was not lim- 
ited to the screen. He proved a charming and 
"witty guest on his numerous appearances in 
Front of “The Tonight Show's” TV cameras, 
Gust as he had charmed the camera in “Pump- 
ing Iron.” Yet, clearly, Schwarzenegger was a 
man who kept tight control of his cooperation 
with the media. Even after he had agreed to 
sit down for the “Playboy Interview,” it took 
months for him to slot it into his schedule. 
And when the summons finally came, it was 
abrupt. He called Playboy interviewer Joan 
Goodman in Los Angeles on a Tuesday after- 
noon and told her to take a Wednesday flight 
to Chicago, where he was making a film. 
Goodman reports: 

“When we began the actual interview, he 
was pulling on along, black Cuban Davidoff 
cigar, which he said had cost $25. Only half 
Joking, he commented, ‘Your time will be meas- 
ured in stogies. When I finish one, the inter- 
view ends." 

“In that instance, Schwarzenegger was 
merely demonstrating the fine art of con- 
trol—keeping everyone slightly off balance. 
He is one of the more finely tuned control 
freaks I have met in a career of celebrity in- 
ternews. He has said, "The only thing that 
makes me nervous is when I don't get my own 
way —and he means it. 

“My first reaction to him was, there's anew 
Schwarzenegger on the scene. A normal-sized 
Schwarzenegger. He was 30 pounds off his 


top competition weight and ten pounds down 
from his previous movie low of 210 pounds. 
The planes of his cheeks looked taut and 
sharp, the waist narrowed and hard-toned, 
In other words, he looked as near to regular- 
sized as can be expected from a man who has 
spent his life developing his pecs, abs, glutes 
and quads to outsized proportions. 

“He explained that his new size was tai- 
lored for his character in ‘Red Heat, the 
movie he'd been shooting in Chicago. In the 
film, he plays a Moscow cop on the tail of a 
Soviet drug smuggler in the U.S. Although 
the film has the usual murder and mayhem 
oven into the scripl, Schwarzenegger was 
happy to defend it—as he does all his films. 

“As you might expect, Schwarzenegger is a 
charmer with a slightly Teutonic sense of hu- 
mor. He's old-fashioned and European with 
women. He won't let you pick up a check, he 
opens doors and he watches his language. 

“I think he's probably at his best with men. 
A pal says he calls Schwarzenegger ‘the ele- 
phan,’ because he's a Republican. That, and 
because he never forgets his friends, Or his 
objectives.” 


PLAYBOY: If there's one thing your movies 


“I watched violent 
movies all my life 
and it had no 
influence on me. 
Something on the screen 
doesn’t turn a 
person into a killer.” 


are noted for, it’s violence. Sometimes it's 
cartoonlike; sometimes it’s gory. Do you 
ever think that too much screen violence 
may be bad for people? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: If I thought it was, 
then I wouldn't do those films, As far as 
In concerned, it doesn't influence people. 
I watched violent movies all my life and it 
had no influence on me. Something on the 
screen doesn’t turn a person into a killer 
unless there’s something already wrong 
with him. And I don’t think when you 
make a movie you can say, “There's some 
crazy person out there who may take this 
the wrong way, who may do something 
crazy.” If you did that, you would never 
make a movie. 

PLAYBOY: But the danger isn't just from the 
random crazy person, is it? Some stud- 
ies show that younger people, especially, 
are influenced by the violence they see on 
the screen, And some people are acting 
against it. 

SCHWARZENEGGER: Yeah, ycah, I know 
about the P.T.A., but this is just parents 
who don’t want to take responsibility for 
controlling their kids. They work or are 
divorced or something. They think they 


don’t have the time. Besides that, the press 
and the TV news focus on violence—real 
violence—all the time. Every local news 
show starts with how many killings hap- 
pened that day. 

PLAYBOY: Doesn’t that drive movie people 
like yourself to think up more and more 
violent scenes to outdo the real stuff? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: There is less violence 
and gore in my latest movie, The Running 
Man—you don’t sce it as much. The cam- 
eras focus more on thc faces and show the 
fear and the tension. Still, people get en- 
tertained in different ways. Some like love 
stories, some like historical movies, some 
like emotional films. And then there is 
that category of people who just like to go 
and see action movies with some violence 
throughout. 
PLAYBOY: And 
viewers — 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Movies are rated, for 
adults or for kids. So it’s up to the parents. 
It's a tough job. I remember when my 
father would say, "Don't go to see this 
movie,” I would run twice as fast. That's 
how I could tell how much I would 
movie: by how much my father disap- 
proved of it 

PLAYBOY: Then you know that young peo- 
ple will get in to see your movies—or rent 
them on video—no matter what the 
rating. 

SCHWARZENEGGER: Of course; whatever is 
forbidden as a kid you want even more. 
We had much stricter controls in Austria, 
because we had a police officer standing at 
the entrance to the movie theater checking 
our identification. Ifyou were not the right 
age, you couldn't get in. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get in? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: [Laughs] My method 
was to walk in backward when the people 
were coming out, like I was part of the 
audience. I always found a way to get in 
there. 

PLAYBOY: So what you are saying is, ifa kid 
is like you, there is no way to keep him 
from seeing the kind of violent action films 
you make. 

SCHWARZENEGGER: That I don’t know. 
PLAYBOY: What about the kinds of charac- 
ters you play—terminators, eliminators, 
commandos? Do you think the message 
they send is that violence is heroic? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No, because the bad 
guys do worse, My characters just defend 
themselves. The message that is sent is to 
be strong and to be smart and to rely on 
yourself to get out of danger, to save your 
own life. 

Look, you've had assassinations before 
now. Presidents were shot before Reagan 
and Kennedy, before there was television 
or radio. You can't say what puts a crazy 
idea in a crazy mind, It’s easy to blame a. 
movie rather than to blame yourself. 
Which is what parents are doing. 

Another thing about these reports that 
come out: They can be interpreted how 
you want. Many movies reflect what is 
happening in society and are taken from 


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PLAYBOY 


real stories. Maybe showing that is help- 
ful, because it makes people know what 
can happen to them if they kill someone. 

But the newspapers and news media are 
much more ational. There was vio- 
lence on the California freeways before, 
but now everyone’s doing a story on it. 
PLAYBOY: So you think the press is at fault? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: In the case of the Cali- 
fornia freeway killers, I think the big mis- 
take is that people keep guns in their glove 
compartments. The deal with that is, 
when you have a permit, you're always 
supposed to keep your ammunition and 
your gun separate, so if you get emotional, 
by the time you get your gun from the 
glove compartment and your ammunition 
out of your trunk, you have a chance to 
cool down. 

But the bad thing about all this is that it 
makes people think that we have to elimi- 
nate guns. 

PLAYBOY: And you don’t think so? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Outlawing guns is not 
the right method of dliminating the prob- 
lem. If you outlaw guns, people will still 
have them illegally. In Europe, they're 
outlawed everywhere. They have very 
strict gun control in Italy. Yet the Pope 
was shot. They have very strict gun con- 
trol in Germany. Yet you see pimps shoot- 
ing one another. Politicians have been shot 
in Sweden and Holland, where guns are 
outlawed. 

I don’t know how you handle this. Pm 
по expert. 

PLAYBOY: Has playing so many violent roles 
had any influence on you personally? For 
example, do you have a bad temper? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No; | used to losc my 
temper more easily, but then I realized it’s 
not worth it. It doesn't interest me to have 
revenge, either. [t takes too much time and 
energy. 

PLAYBOY: Although your movies have plen- 
ty of gore, they don’t have much sex. And 
your character rarely has a love interest. Is 
that deliberate? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: I have a love interest in 
every one of my films—a gun. [Laughs] It 
doesn’t always have to be a woman. 
"That's boring. Besides, you have to under- 
stand: In most action movies, women are 
in the way. 

PLAYEOY: Interesting rule of thumb. Any 
exceptions? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: If the story specifically 
revolves around the woman or the wom- 
an’s role is written to make the story work. 
But when women arc thrown in, the way 
Hollywood does—as bait to get sex in the 
movie—I don’t want to be part of that. 
PLAYBOY: Is that a principled stand? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: As long as the woman 
is a token, I won't do the movie. It has to 
be like The Terminator, where the woman 
is the main character—whcre the story re- 
volves around her. Then it is perfect. Then 
she comes out the hero. Conan is another 
great example. Or any of the movies where 
the woman has a specific purpose. But if 
they're just used for bait, then fuck it; I 


don't want them treated that way. 
PLAYBOY: There is probably a feminist 
thought in there somewhere. Actually, 
surveys show that there is a growing audi- 
ence of women who do watch your films. 
Why do you suppose that is? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: The vulnerability fac- 
tor, I think. 1 play that on purpose. First of 
all, I am vulnerable in many ways. And I 
think that what you are comes out in a 
movie. I also think that people respond to 
а sense of humor in a character, especially 
when he's playing the stud, the big, strong 
guy. 

PLAYBOY: So you think that a gentler, more 
vulnerable man shows through? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Yes, I think so. I mean, 
it depends. There is no such thing as a 
gentle man or an aggressive man; it just 
depends on the circumstances. Profession- 
ally speaking, I'm much more aggressive 
than I am gentle. In sports, I’m more ag- 
gressive than I’m gentle; but there are mo- 
ments when you ought to be gentle, and 
then I can be gentle, too. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you projected that 
same vulnerability when you broke with 
the stereotype of the bodybuilder? 


“1 think that people 
respond to a sense of 
humor in a character, 
especially when 
he’s playing 
the stud, the big, 
strong guy.” 


SCHWARZENEGGER: Yes. I think I made the 
sport more acceptable when I promoted 
bodybuilding in the mid-Seventies. For 
one thing, 1 didn't say the kind of things 
that put people off. In the old days, body- 
builders talked about cating two pounds 
of meat and 30 eggs a day, how they had 
to sleep 12 hours a day and couldn’t have 
sex, and so on. And I said to myself, “Who 
the fuck wants to be part of that kind of 
sport?” First of all, it was not accurate; 
and second of all, if you want to make pco- 
ple join a particular activity, you have to 
make it pleasant-soundin; 

PLAYBOY: What did you talk about? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: It’s like promoting 
anything: You make it fun. I talked about 
diet—but I said I eat cake and ice cream 
as well. I said I stay out nights and I have 
sex and do all the thi that everyone 
s id all you have 
to Bee is train three times a week for 45 
minutes to an hour and you will get in 
shape. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you made muscle- 
bound guys more attractive and likable? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Yeah. I think for many 
years people always that women 


weren't interested in men with bodies that 
were physically developed, men who had a 
lot of muscles. But all that stuff was only 
talk. The reality was quite different, I nev- 
er felt that women didn’t like me, nor have 
any of my friends felt that. 

PLAYBOY: You mean your bodybuilding 
buddies? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: No one ever com- 
plained to me that since he got muscles, he 
couldn't get a woman. I think a lot of talk 
was the jealousy of men, because they felt 
inadequate around people who were in 
shape. That was in the Seventies, and it's 
all changed. 

PLAYBOY: You mean the fitness trend? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Now every man be- 
longs to a gymnasium or a Y or a club of 
some sort. People work out with weights. 
From the time I got to this country until 
now, it went from having 2500 gymnasi- 
ums to having between 30,000 and 40,000 
clubs. That's what really changed. 
PLAYBOY: Where did your original goal to 
be a bodybuilder come from? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: I think I wanted to do 
something unique, something that not cv. 
erybody else did. 1 was also very im- 
pressed with the idea of weight lifting, and 
when I joined the sports club, that was all 
that was in my mind. 

PLAYBOY: Haw old were you? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Fifteen. It was my own 
idea to join this club. It was in Aus 
and it was the first time I had made a 
decision on my own, without my parents. 1 
had grown up in a very strict houschold. 
My father wanted me to be a champion 
soccer player, because I played soccer a 
little bit at that time. So to join the body- 
building club on my own gave me a really 
great feeling of independence. 

PLAYBOY: Did the other s make fun of 
you? Bodybuilding wasn't exactly a var- 
sity sport in Austria, was it? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No onc made fun of me, 
but there was a lot of misunderstanding 
about bodybuilding. But that was fine. I 
understood that people were ignorant of 
this new thing. Now, of course, it’s a very 
big sport in Austria and evervone is doing 
it. I was just ahead of my time. Whenever 
you're ahead of your time, you find resist- 


‚ you know, resistance is a very 
healthy thing. It makes you a fighter. Ir 
everything comes easy in life, you become 
а softy, and my luck was that I grew up in 
very difficult conditions, I grew up just alt- 
er the war, and there was no food around 
and very little money. It made me a 
fighter. When you're born in comfort, it’s 
sometimes harder to struggle through 
things. So I was fortunate about that. 
PLAYBOY: You have a reputation as a very 
determined person. Do vou think your up- 
bringing explains that? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Partly, yes. My mother 
and father were very strict, very proper— 
like everyone else around us. Or it may 
also be hereditary; my father was a very 
driven person, a perfectionist. Or it could 


have been competition with my brother; 
he was a year older than I it may 
have been all of it together. 

All I know is I had tremendous drive. I 

was taught that pain and suffering were 
not obstacles you should even think about 
You just go through them, You just go on 
and conquer, then move on. When people 
say to me, "It must have been so difficult,” 
it didn’t even cross my mind. It was just 
part of it all 
PLAYBOY: Looking back now, was it enjoy- 
able to spend all those years lifting 
weights? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Yes, it was the most fun 
thing to do. As a young guy, I trained with 
guys who were at the level of Mr. Austria. 
And that was a great inspiration. You 
don’t usually start out so high. To work 
out with them and go to competitions and 
see myself getting stronger and more mus- 
cular and becoming a weight-lifting cham- 
pion—something just clicked in me. 

Everyone has something in him that will 
give him the same kind of joy. People have 
to give themselves the chance to find it by 
tying out different things. Some people 
never overcome the routine of life where 
you go to school, then go to work from 
cight to five and then no time to try 
anything else, because you're tired, I was 
fortunate to stumble onto something that I 
really enjoyed 
PLAYBOY: Are you saying it’s all luck 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No, not at all. I stuck 
with it and I struggled and worked vei 
hard. It gave me a sense of accomplish- 
ment and a sensc of independence 

In bodybuilding, you're not part of a 
team. You test yourself, learn to rely оп 
yourself. "That was always a big thing for 
me. I always hated to ask anyone for help, 
though Гус gotten plenty of help in my 
life. Everyone needs help, but it was al- 
ways more difficult for me to ask for help 
than to give it. I always wanted to do cv- 
erything myself. It’s my own craziness. 
PLAYBOY: Bodybuilders traditionally re 
on more than just themselves —chemicals, 
for instance. When you were compcting, 
did you take steroids? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: Oh, surc, sure. 
PLAYBOY: Does that concern you now? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No, | don't worry 
about it, because | never took an over- 
dosage. I took them under a doctor's su- 
pervision once a year, six or eight weeks 
before competition. I was always careful 
and checked, and I never had any side 
effect 

PLAYBOY: What is your attitude today to- 
ward steroids? Can you become a champi- 
on without them? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: I always tell people to 
stay away from them and rely on hard 
work. Today, there is a whole new breed of 
bodybuilders who rely just on hard train- 
ing and use food supplements and amino 
acids and things like that. A lot of the guys 
who relied on steroids have retired 

There was always too much emphasis 
оп what steroids could do. They might 


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help you five percent, but they couldn't 
make you an overnight champion. 
PLAYBOY: Then why did you take them? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Because at 20, all you 
want todo is be a champion. You take any- 
thing that anyone else is taking. You try to 
nd out what are the best proteins, the 
best supplements around. When I came to 
this country, I found out about steroids 
and I tried them out. But I wish that in 
those days we had had drug tests. It would 
have been much better. Bodybuilding is 
at the name implies: to make your body 
healthier and stronger. Drugs do exactly 
the opposite 
PLAYBOY: What about other drugs; have 
you done ther 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Never in my entire life 
When 1 came to America, someone gave 
me a drug like speed. He told me it would 
make me sharper and Fd lose weight. But 
I lost muscle tone. It was like having a 
hard-on that’s not hard, that is half limp. I 
don’t like that. 1 like to feel fully pumped. 
I threw the pills away. Nor has anyone so 
much as smoked a joint when I was ther 
Or sniffed coke. Or taken any drugs. In 
Hollywood, | have never scen any drugs 
оп the set or anywhere. It could be be- 
cause people know me well enough to 
know that I don’t want anything like that 
I'm around actors all the time—and Гуе 
worked with them in Mexico, on jungle 
locations where you'd think it might hap- 
pen just to pass the time—and Гуе never 
seen it. 
PLAYBOY: That probably says something 
about your clout on a movie set. But the 
power you have now didn't come over- 
night, did it? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: 1 experienced a lot of 
prejudice. The people in Hollywood had 
many reasons why 1 could not make it: m 
accent, my body, my long name. That 
made it very difficult —until I realized 
that you cannot compete at that level out 
here. You have to create your own position 
where you establish yourself in such a way 
that no onc clsc can compete with you. 
You just turn the whole thing around. 
That is what black actors do—ineluding 
people like Bill Cosby and Eddie Murphy 
"They've created a certain thing 1 
one can touch; no one can compete with 
them. Studios can’t do what they did to 
Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield and 
all those girls years ago. "If we can't get 
one, we'll get the other. She's blonde, she 
has tits, she has an ass, she has a good 
body. If one didn’t want to do 
script, they would get the other. That’s 
what The Jayne Mansfield Story, which I 
did for television, was all about. [Schwar- 
zenegger played the role of Mansfield's 
husband, bodybuilder Mickey Hargitay-] 
PLAYBOY: You learned a lesson in power 
from The Jayne Mansfield Story? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: I lcarned that you have 
to establish yourself in an area where there 
is no one else. Then you have to create a 
need for yourself, build yourself up. While 
their empire goes on, slowly, without their 


realizing it, build your own little fortress. 
And all of a sudden, it's too late for them 
to do anything about it. And they have to 
come to you, because you have what they 
want. Because you're stable and your films 
always make money for the producer or 
the studio. 
PLAYBOY: But can't that stability lead to a 
vicious circle, where you always make the 
same kind of films? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: I fccl 1 like to specialize 
in action adventure films right now. I 
know that a lot of people say, "I doi 
want to be typecast,” but that's crap. It's 
all typecasting. If they want a black guy 
for a movie, no matter how fantastic an 
actor you are, if you're white, you will not 
be hired. Not even if you're Dustin 
Hoffman. And if they want somebody or- 
dinary-looking for Kramer us. Kramer, 
they're not going to hire Sylvester Stallone 
and they're not going to hire me, because 
we don't look ordinary. 
PLAYBOY: What about your own acting? 
Most critics refer to your performances as 
"wooden." Don't you ever feel as if you'd 
like to show a little more emotion? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: | don’t say to myself, 
“Gee, I wish I could show my emotions.” 
I think The Jayne Mansfield Story was a 
very emotional film in many ways. Stay 
Hungry showed a lot of emotion. So did 
Commando. 

But you're right. In action films where 
you do the action yourself, you can't al- 


ways show emotion. I think the majority of 


people out there appreciate that. They like 
to bc able to disconnect emotions and go 
alter what thcy want to go after, destroy 
what they want to destroy. That's why 
they go to sce those films. It’s a fantasy. 

I'm portraying something that everyone 
nts to do. Everybody wants to say, “I’m 
upset with my boss. I wish I could finish 
him off. I wish I could just be cold and not 
let anything get to me.” When people see 
one of my films, they subconsciously think 
it's them handling all these situations so 
easily, fighting back and getting even. So 
in those situations, you don’t want to show 
too much emotion, 

And producers also hire me because 1 
don’t look ordinary. If you do heroic things 
in movies, you can’t look like a skinny rat. 
You have to look accordingly, and that's 
typecasting. 

PLAYBOY: Was all of this—the movie ca- 
reer, the fame—an ambition you had from 
the start? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: No. When I was 
younger, I wanted to do exactly what my 
father did—to be in the military or to be a 
police officer or with the Gendarmerie, 
which is the country police, or somethi 
like that. As a kid, I always ran around 
with my father’s uniform on. I had to 
stand on a chair, because the coat would 
hang down below my feet. I put on the hat 
and all that stuff that went with the uni- 
form. That was my first dream. 

PLAYBOY: You had a brother who died. 
SCHWARZENEGGER; Yes, in a car accident in 


1971, when he was 24 and I was 23. I still 
think about it many times. I’m now bring- 
ing his son Patrick over to America. He’s 
19 and has just graduated from high 
school. He wants to study in America and 
will go to college to study business. 
PLAYBOY: You werc close to your brother, 
weren't you? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: We were close. The 
whole family was close, but there was a 
competitiveness, too—obviously in sports 
and in school and every other way. There 
was always competition, because we were 
so close in age. I’m sure that’s part of what 
spurred me on 

PLAYBOY: Which of you was the favorite 
child in the fami 
SCHWARZENEGGER: The way І remember 
‚ аз a kid you get pissed off on a daily ba- 
sis, because you fed there is no justice. 
Whatever you want to do, people tell you, 
“No, you can't” But my brother told me 
he went through the same thing, There 
was a no to him and a no to me, but some- 
times .. . I felt he got more of the yeses and 
I got more noes. But then my brother 
would say to me, “You're so lucky that 
they like you morc." My mother now says 


“While my friends were 
dreaming about 
working for the 

government so they 
could get a pension and 
that shit, I was talking 

about big things.” 


tha y always made an cflort to treat us 
the same. 

PLAYBOY: Your father had an enormous 
influence on you, didn’t he? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Oh, ycs, more than 1 
ever realized, We spent a tremendous 
amount of time together. I grew up in a 
time when family was extremely strong. 
You'd haye dinner together and breakfast 
together and lunch together, so you be- 
came much more a product of your par- 
ents than of outside forces. 

Today, women work and they give the 
kid to some nanny or school and the kid 
becomes the product of that at's why 
there is a breakdown in families today— 
kids don't fecl close to their parents be- 
cause of the lack of time they spend 
together. 

My father was a musician. He tried to 
turn me on to classical music. I had no in- 
terest in it whatsoever. He was interested 
in cultural things, which is not unusual ii 
Austria. 

My father had this thing that every Sun- 
day, something had to be done, if it was 
going hiking or going into town and secing 
buildings or going to а play or listeni 


him when he played with the police band. 
Then, the next day, we had to write about 
it, of course, and hand it in to my father. A 
ten-page paper or so. He insisted on that. 
He would then correct it with a red pencil, 
putting marks all over the place. "This sen- 
tence makes no sense. This sentence is not 
true; we did not go there. We did not see 
thisexhibit. You made a mistake in the spell- 
ing; write this word 50 times.” [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: Has this carried over into adult- 
hood? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: I remember when I was 
19, when I was in Munich, I was writing 
letters home to my father and he would say, 
“Why do you write so big? You don’t want 
to write more?” And I would say, “No, my 
handwriting is just like that.” [Laughs] So 
it was always something like that, correct- 
ing spelling mistakes or grammar or some- 
thing like that. That's the way he was. 
PLAYBOY: And did that kind of experience 
become a tool for you later on? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Oh, of course. The 
thing is that at first you bury it. You put it 
way back in your mind and you just i 

it. I thought everything my father said was 
wrong, but then you get to be 25 or 30 and 
you think back and say, “Goddamn it, can 
y ve it? All the things that I like now, 
my father was saying | should learn!” 
So somehow it surfaces again. 

PLAYBOY: Somcone said that that was what 
he noticed most about you—that you al- 
ways wanted to learn, to absorb. 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Thats truc. It’s just 
part of being hungry. Hungry lor learning. 
Continuously learning. This is what I al- 
ways try to teach my friends that are 
around me all the time. You can’t waste 
time. I you want to do something, learn 
about it, read about it, do it. Even in my 
bodybuilding days, 1 always hated just ly- 
ing around on the beach in the sun. At 
least you could have a book and read. I 
had a professor in school who said, “In- 
stead of wasting time, read 15 or 20 min- 
utes a day about something that really 
interests you. By the end of the year, you 
will be an expert in it.” 

PLAYBOY: You scem to be saying two 
things—that you resented your father’s 
exaggerated strictness but were enriched 
by it. 

SCHWARZENEGGER: Of course. You have to 
understand, mine was a difficult back- 
ground. I was born two years after World 
War Two ended, There was no food in Aus- 
tria, My mother had to go around with us to 
various farms until she gotenough food and 
sugar and stuff. I had only shelter and love 
from my parents; but after that, nothing. 
We had no television set in my house when 
I grew up. There was no phone, no bath- 
room in the sense that we know it. 
PLAYBOY: And you began to plan almost 
immediately to get away? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: It was a very small 
world and I had big visions and big goals. 
How they came into my mind, I don’t 
know. They were just there. I had great 
fantasies always about where life could go, 


PLAYBOY 


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and I went after the fantasies rather than 
just dreaming them. I made them happen. 
While my friends were dreaming about 
working for the government so they could 
get a pension and that shit, I was talking 
about big things 

Au the same time, we lived in a pretty 
large house. It was a good place to grow 
up, and my father was interested in 
antiques and art. As a kid, 1 never did 
appreci II the things that were very 
common in Europe, I didn’t like. When 1 
came over here, it went back the other 
way. So Гуе learned now to appreciate 
what my father instilled in me. I even like 
to paint now myself. 

PLAYBOY: When did your father die? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: In December 1972. 1 
was in America, in a hospital with a leg 
injury. I couldn't go to the funeral, because 
I was in the hospital. And I took it badly, 
because I knew how much he had done for 
me. When you have parents who mold you 
in acertain way, it’s a great effort for them, 
You have a chance of paying them back, 
making them feel that all that effort meant 
something. Then that’s all cut off. My 
fathcr saw my progress—that I was devel- 
oping in my sport and was smart in busi- 
ness—but he never saw the full circle. But 
death never comes at the right time, no 
matter when it is. 

My mother is also a very important 
force in my life. I bring her over here to 
America once a year for two months, and 
we often spend Christmas and New Year's 
together. She usually comes on my film 
sets, too. 

PLAYBOY: What does she think about your 
life in the fast lane? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: She thinks Um a 
workaholic, that I'm always on the go. You 
have to remember that she’s from Graz, a 
little town in Austria where people sit 
around and sip coflee—one cup can last 
two hours—and talk. Then she comes to 
my house in California and gets up at eight 
in the morning—I’m just coming home 
from training—and she says, “Why so ear- 
ly? Why don’t you cat first?” I say, “No, 
you haye to train before you have break- 
fast.” “This is healthy?” she asks. 

Then the phone starts to ring and I'm 
eating breakfast and talking business 
Then I go to the office and later I do work- 
outs at home. 1 have people to the house. 
When I get an hour free, | play tennis on 
the tennis courts at home. Or I go to the 
park and ride my horse or go for a motor- 
cycle ride. There's always a lot going on. 
My mother worries that I’m doing too 
much, but she’s a very proud Austrian 
mother. 

PLAYBOY: When people think of Austria 
these days, the subject of Kurt Waldheim 
comes up. What do you think about the 
charges against him? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: I hate to talk about it, 
because it’s a no-win situation. Without 
going into details, I can say that being 
half-Austrian and half-American, I don’t 
like the idea that these two countries that 


mean so much to me are in such a dis- 
agreement. Austria is a very important 
place for Americans, because it is a neutral 
country. With a little bit of good will, the 
problem will be straightened out. I think 
it’s well on the way. 

PLAYBOY: Spoken like a politician. Have 
you ever thought of running for office? In 
the family you've married into, the topic 
must come up. 

SCHWARZENEGGER: | have no interest in 
that. I love politics; don’t misunderstand 
me. It’s extremely important to partici 
pate in the future of the country. But I love 
the job I do and the idea of being some- 
what free. I you're in politics, you're sup- 
posed to serve the public, and then you 
have to clean up your act. 

PLAYBOY: And you wouldn’t want to clean 
up yours? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: No. I don’t have any- 
thing to clean up. I don't live the kind of 
life that will backfire. I don’t believe in 
cheating on taxes or in secret deals to set 
up companies to escape the IRS. I do this 
ош of moral principles—nor because Pm 
worried about what the public will think 
Although I admire the people who run for 
office, I cannot conceive of taking the risks 
and making the sacrifices they make. 

Still, it’s a question that comes up peri 
odically. Every so often, people ask me if 
Га run for office; but, like I said, the will 
isn't there. And the timing is wrong. I nev- 
er want to leave anything incomplete. I 
wouldn't want to leave my business at this 
point, and I haven't reached my goals in 
cting yet. 

"There's something you learn very quick- 
ly in sports—to follow through with the 
motion. In weight lifting, you always talk 
about not choking the motion. The same is 
true for careers. There are many aspects to 
the entertainment business besides acting. 
There's directing and producing. You can 
take on many challenges, and until you 
feel saturated and done, there's no reason 
to think about anything elsc. 

PLAYBOY: When you talk about getting to 
the top in acting, do you mean winning an 
Oscar? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: The Oscar is only one 
way of establishing yoursel 
PLAYBOY: What's another? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: You can establish your- 
self as the actor who makes the most mon- 
ey for the studio. Or the one who actually 
receives the highest salary. Or the one who 
has the biggest percentage of ownership of 
the film. Like Clint Eastwood, for in- 
stance. He has a unique deal. He is truly 
the king of the film industry and the box 
office world-wide. 

PLAYBOY: Are you forgetting your friend 
and fellow action-movie mogul Sylvester 
Stallone? Isn't he the highest-paid actor? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: First of all, I don't 
know about that. Second, he is not my 
friend. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: He just hits me the 


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PLAYBOY 


66 


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just slightly ahead of our time» 


wrong way. I make every effort that is 
humanly possible to be idly to the guy, 
but he just gives off the wrong vibrations. 
Whatever he does, it always comes out 
wrong. 

TIl give you an example. We had break- 
fast together not long ago, because we are 
making films for the same company. We 
discussed not getting in each other's way 
and when the films should be released. It 
was a very agreeable conversation on ev- 
‚and then he said, “You've got 
to become a member of my new club.” [ 
said, "What club?" He said, “105 going to 
be an all-male club with no women al- 
lowed. Just like in the old days. Only men 
And we sit around and smoke stogies and 
pipes and have a good time.” I told him it 
was the worst thing he could do. That 
мете living in a very sensitive time period 
when women are struggling for equality. 1 
said that I didn't agree with half the stuff 
they were talking about, but a club like 
that would offend every smart woman in 
the country. I said to stay away from it. “If 
you want just guys, invite them up to your 
house. That's what I do.” 

PLAYBOY: He's had some trouble with his 
image lately, hasn’t he? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Just because you're a 
big star doesn't mean you have common 
sense about these things. Listen, he hired 
the best publi gents in the world and 
they couldn’t straighten out his act. 
There’s nothing that anyone can do out 
there 10 save his ass and his image 

Just the way he dresses. Seeing him 
dressed in his white suit, trying to look 
slick and hip—that already annoys peo- 
ple. And the gold ring and the gold chains 
that say, “Look how rich I am"—all that 
annoys people. It’s a shame no onc taught 
him to be cool, He should have L. L. Bean 
shoes and corduroy pants with a plaid 
shirt. That's cool; that's how a director 
should look, rather than have that fucking 
fur coat when he directs. 

PLAYBOY: Haven't you ever gone through a 
flashy phase with your clothes? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No; since 1976, I’ve 
had a tailor in New York who always says, 
“Гта going to make you look like old mon- 
ey.” So I wear mostly conservative clothes 
and I don't go with trends. I love the prep- 
pic look, which, ma 
ors—ercen-corduroy pants or red pullover 
shirts. The thing is, you have to bc very 
careful when you're big. 

My favorite outfit is my shorts and my 
L. L. Bean loafers or Topsiders and a T- 
shirt. But you can't go to business meet- 
ings like this. 
PLAYBOY: For csümated your 1987 
income at close to $18,000,000—which 
you may want to comment on- 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Probably not. 

PLAYBOY: In what field do you make most 
of your money? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: It's a combination of 
things—the films, the real estate and other 


investments. I love making movies, be- 
cause you make a great salary and you 
know ahead of time what to do with it, 
such as investments. That way, I pay my 
income taxes with pleasure. 1 know that 
whatever I give the Government, my іп- 
vestments will bring back. I enjoy paying 
taxes in this country, because you can 
make a fortune investing the right way 
PLAYBOY: How much money do you make 
per picture? We've heard that you got 
something like $3,000,000 for Predator. 
SCHWARZENEGGER: 1 don't like to get into 
the financial side of it. It doesn’ 
tickets and only makes people jealous. 
There arc too many people out there who 
don't have it, so why rub it in? 

In any case, I can't talk about a salary, 
because for years now, my salary has dou- 
bled annually. So there's no salary per se. 
With certain actors, you can say, "He's 
getting $5,000,000" ог "He's getting 
$3,000,000, because that's what he's got- 
ten on the past six movies." It’s a standard 
fee. 

With me there is no such thing, because 
I am a rising person. If, for instance, one 
year I get $1,500,000, then the next year I 
get $3,000,000 and $6,000,000 the year 
after that. 

PLAYBOY: Do you also participate through 
your production company? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Yes. That's why I can- 
not say what I get. Let's say for the last 
movie 1 got $6,000,000. I then have Fox 
come after me for $8,000,000. Then I have 
Keith Barish, who did Running Man, offer 
me a five-picture deal for $50,000,000. 
PLAYBOY: And you took that? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No, I won't take it 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Because that’s not the 
bottom line. The number-one thing is the 
project itself. If the project is good, then 
they will all come to me with the money. 
Fox wants me to do another Commando 
and another Predator and then a prison 
picture. 
PLAYBOY: You're in a nice position—all the 
ant you to make films for them. 


SCHWARZENEGGER: There are such enor- 
mous amounts of money that can be made 
in the movies. [ mean, you're talking 
about profits on Predator of more than 
$60,000,000 or $70,000,000 for Fo 
PLAYBOY: Hasn't most of your movie money 
been invested in real estate? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Some has. But I owned 
apartment buildings and office buildings 
before I ever did a film. That was a great 
asset to my career. In the be ig, when 
people came to me and said, “I have a 
great part for you where you play a truck 
driver and you're on screen for ten min- 
utes, but we'll use your body,” I could 
afford to say no, because I didn't need the 
$20,000 they offered. It meant nothing to 
me. What I wanted to do was to build a 
career. 

PLAYBOY: As a newcomer from Austria, 


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________Jbeam. And with = DER. 
On Screen Display you can see every- — = ml 
thing you've programmed right on your TV 
screen. Up to 8 different programs for a full month. — Ке 1) "2 Panasoni 


This new Omnivision VCR is more than just 
simple; it simply has everything you want in a p 


S5. panasonic. 


just slightly ahead of our times 


PLAYBOY 


Panasonic 
Telephone Update 


Today, there are dozens of cord- 
less telephones to choose from. So 
if you want to make an informed and 
intelligent purchase, become famil- 
iar with what they have to offer. Two 
tips. One, look for a cordless with a 
reputation for superb sound. And 
two, look for a cordless that offers 
features that make sense for you* If 
you do that, chances are you'll de- 
cide on one of ours. 


Automatic Intercom System 

This feature allows you to take 
the handset outside and still be in 
touch with the person inside. Simply 
touch the intercom button on the 
handset, and the system is automati- 
Cally activated and ready for two-way 
conversation. 


10-Channel Automatic Scan- 
ning for Clear Reception 

Cordless telephones operate on 
channels. On occasion, they're sus- 
ceptible to noise and interference. 
When that happens, automatic 
scanning finds the clearest channel 
within a 10-channel range and puts 
you on it. Just press a button. In 
fact, you can even scan during your 
conversation. 


Security Systems 

Todays cordless telephones have 
very sophisticated security systems. 
They help prevent eavesdropping 
and unauthorized use of your tele- 
phone line by another cordless tele- 
phone owner. So look for features 
like Auto Security and user change- 
able Digital Security Codes in your 
new cordless telephone. 


Panasonic 


just slightly ahead of our time 


'* Not all eatures available on all Panasonic telephones. 


how did you know how to invest your 
moncy? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: When I first came here, 
I began to take classes. I didn't have a stu- 
dent visa, so 1 could take only two classes 
in one school. That meant I took evening 
courses in business at UCLA and general- 
education courses at Santa Monica City 
College. I took art classes at West Los 
Angeles College—I was scattered all over 
the place. 

Then I finally did a research program 
for Special Olympians at the University of 
Wisconsin. I submitted all my credits to 
them and needed only ten more credits for 
a degree. Altogether, I went to school for 
i 1s all part of being hungry. 
nd it helped you become a 
smart busincssmas 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Yes, but you have to 
have a feel for business. It's something that 
уоште born with or grow up with. Then, 
as long as you have an interest in it, you 
will want to learn and reach out and find 
out how it works and apply it to yourself. 
PLAYBOY: Do yon have an advisor for stocks 
and real estate? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: No one specific person, 
though there are some people around me 
who give me advice. I read a lot about the 
subject. And I hear things. I belong to the 
Regency Club in Westwood, which is a 
very conservative businessmen's club. 
PLAYBOY: Do they accept you as a business- 
man or as an entertainer? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: It’s not a place for 
entertainers. It's a place where I can mect 
people in real estate and business. I also 
talk with people in the stock market. It 
makes you aware of new companies and 
takc-over bids. I also follow people like 
Donald Trump and Marvin Davis, people 
with a history of good business dealings. 
You watch their moves. That will educate 
you 

PLAYBOY: Does that mcan that you handle 
your own investments? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: Yes. I always do my 
own business dealings. Most people in the 
film business have their checks sent to 
their agent; then the agent sends it to the 
business manager. Thats a sad situation. 
PLAYBOY: What about your bodybuilding 
business? Is that highly profitable? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: We have a mail-order 
business that deals with T-shirts and sou- 
venir items that kids want. Lifting belts 
with my picture on them, tank tops, gym 
bags—that sort of thing. But they're 
priced so any young kid can afford them. 
It was never meant to be a big profit 
source—just something to support the 
office. 

PLAYBOY: You also sponsor world champi- 
onships. Do they make money? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: І produce Mr. Olym- 
pia and Mr. Universe with a partner, Jim 
Lorimar, in Columbus, Ohio. It's become 
like the capital of bodybuilding. Listen, in 
my heart, I’m still as much a bodybuilder 


as I ever was. I just don't compete, 
because I don’t have the interest or the 
time. But 1 love the sport and the idea of 
supporting the young guys coming up. We 
always raise a lot of money so we can give 
good cash prizes. 
PLAYBOY: Have you made financial mis- 
takes? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: I’m sure I have. In ret- 
rospect, I can say I would have done a few 
things differently. But you ask me if I have 
ever lost money. No, I have been far away 
from ever losing moncy. 
PLAYBOY: Hasn't it been relatively easy to 
make money on real estate these past ten 
years? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: People say you never 
lose money in real estate. That is the case if 
you invest wisely. But if you don’t, things 
can fracture very quickly. There are devel- 
oping situations that you're not always 
aware of: a change of leadership in the 
White House or the balance of Democrats 
and Republicans in the Congress. All 
these things create a swift change in the 
economy. So does the outbreak of war or a 
hostage crisis. 
PLAYBOY: So you keep up with politics in 
order to be aware of these changes 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Oh, sure. When the 
Iran crisis happened, I could foresee it and 
I pulled out in time. When the shah was 
still in power, the Iranians invested in Los 
Angeles real estate. That drove up the 
real-estate market tremendously. When 
Khomeini came in, he stopped all that. On 
top of that, a proposition to bring controls 
on real estate was introduced. In a short 
period of time, a building that was once 
worth $1,000,000 was down to $750,000, 
Whenever a Democratic Administration 
is in power, we in the real-estate industry 
make more money. Real estate gocs with 
inflation. Under Carter, real estate made 
the most money. 
PLAYBOY: So you can’t be too happy with 
Reagan on that score. 
SCHWARZENEGGER: In the long run, what 
Reagan did was better for the country. You 
have to look at it in a less selfish way and 
say, “Do I want to make a quick buck now 
or do I want to have a stable economy for 
us and the next generation?” For me, Rea- 
gan was heaven. 
PLAYBOY: How does this point of view go 


down with your wife's relatives, the 
Kennedys? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Thcy understand 


where I'm coming from and I understand 
where they're coming from. You have to 
understand that my situation is quite 
different, because I’m not really part of the 
family in the way that, say, Sargent Shriv- 
er is. He worked directly with them and 
had a working relationship with President 
Kennedy. My business—whether it is real 
estate or show business or whatever else 
I'm doing—is much more disconnected 
from the family. 

PLAYBOY: Then you don't feel that you have 


Panasonic introduces a cordless telephone 
small enough to fit into your shirt pocket. 


3, bi 
And that’s not even the big news. 
E ' 

The big news is that Panasonic put so —, eliminated. The second helps prevent other 
much into such a small telephone, cordless phone owners from eavesdropping 

The KX-T3000 cordless comes with on your conversation. 
10-station automatic dialing. Built-in Y All this and more in a handset that folds in 
intercom. And auto redialing. ج‎ half so it's small enough to fit into your shirt 

There are even two security > = pocket, but big enough to have everything 
systems. One to help prevent => “. you need. The Panasonic folding cordless. 
another cordless phone owner қ AS © its an open and shut case. 
from getting yam dial tone on his се. 3 
phone. So, the inconvenience of getting x P 
bills for calls you never made is virtually anasonic 


just slightly ahead of our time 


PLAYBOY 


70 


Panasonic 
Audio Update 


Panasonic XBS stereos produce 
bass so powerful, we dare you to 
match it. But they have much 
more to spark your interest. 


XBS Goes Boom 

The RX-C38 will put more boom 
in your room. Its a sophisticated 
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recorder with auto-reverse and a 
5-band graphic equalizer. Plus 
there's a 6-speaker system that's 
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speakers are subwoofers that will 
generate enough bass to knock 
you off your equilibrium. 


XBS In A Mighty Mii 
Don't let the small size of the 
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pact stereo that produces bass 
with incredible impact. Thats be- 
cause it combines the XBS extra 
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izer and a 5-speaker system. 


XBS On A Personal Note 

For those who want to experience 
XBS on a more personal level, 
there's the RX-SA79. Its an AM/FM 
personal stereo with multiband 
graphic equalizer, Dolby; auto- 
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headphones that intensify and 
magnity bass. 

So if you want more than just 
basic bass, Panasonic XBS port- 
able stereos will be your new 
power bass. 
® Dolby is a registered trademark of Dolby Labs. 


Panasonic. 


just slightly ahead of our time « 


10 live with—or explain—the Kennedy 
mystique? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: Now, knowing the fam- 
ily so well, I would say that the outside 
world analyzes them in certain ways that 
are largely inaccurate. The whole dynasty 
trip and all that stuff that people put on 
them—none of that is the case. They are 
just very full of life, energetic people, be- 
cause that's the way they grew up. 
PLAYBOY: Do your in-laws see your movies? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Sargent and Eunice sce 
every one I make, and they immediately 
call me up to tell me what they think of it. 
They are very supportive and concerned 
that I make the right moves. 

PLAYBOY: What about the rest of the 
Kennedys? How would you assess them? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: I admire what Teddy 
Kennedy does, though I don't agree with 
his politics. I think he is the best in his 
field. Teddy Kennedy is onc of the smart- 
est about getting a bill through and deal- 
ing with other Senators. 

PLAYBOY: Is he as smart as his brothers? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: He is as smart, but he 
may not be as ambitious. He is the 
youngest, and it is hard to have that ambi- 
tion or make that effort when you are the 
youngest 
PLAYBOY: 
Kennedy? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Are you kidding? I 
loved Jack Kennedy. He combined the 
best of each party. He was a Democrat 
who did things like a Republican. He hired 
Robert McNamara, who was the head of 
an auto company, to run the business of 
the Government. 

PLAYBOY: How do you rate the new genera- 
tion of Kennedys? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: It's hard to say who 
will be the most successful. Certainly 
Maria and her brothers. The youngest 
brother has a great personality, Caroline 
Kennedy is very ambitious. She is going to 
law school now, and she wouldn't be 
putting herself through that shit if she 
weren't ambitious. She's a great girl. Jack- 
ic is lucky to have two kids like that. She 
deserves all the credit for it, because she 
raised them that way. 

Bobby Kennedy, Jr., and his brother are 
very good. They have political ambitions, 
and so does the girl Emily [Bobby Jr.'s 
wife]. She's very smart. I don't know the 
Smith kids or the Lawford kids at all to 
comment on them. 

PLAYBOY: Despite your political differences 
with Teddy Kennedy, do you see much of 
him? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: When Teddy comes to 
town, he visits us or we have a small din- 
ner for him. I also sce him on family occa- 
sions, or sometimes we go out to dinner. 
He calls Maria when he's coming to town. 

PLAYBOY: Maria is very close to her family, 
isn't she? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: She is extremely close 
to the whole family. As a matter of facı, 


Did you admire President 


Гуе never «сеп, especially in America, any 
family so close. They're 
phone with one another. She spends a lot 
of time talking with her relatives. If it isn’t 
Teddy, it’s her parents or Jackie or Caro- 
line or the Smiths or the Kennedys or the 
Lawfords. 1175 always something. One has 
a birthday, the other one gets married, the 
other one graduates—so there are always 
congratulatory phone calls and sending 
flowers and letters to one another. It's just 
continual communication, 

It’s wonderful to sec the support they 
give one another. When Maria starts a 
new job, the phone docsn’t stop ringing 
from her relatives congratulating her and 
being excited about it. 

PLAYBOY: Was Maria very upset when CBS 
took her off the CBS Morning News? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: I think that she felt it 
was time to get out of there. They got 
caught up in financial problems and there 
wasn’t the support there. She was glad to. 
move to another network—one that had 
more foresight as to where she could go 
with her carcer and also had the money 
behind it 

PLAYBOY: But all in all, would you say that 
her family has not changed your political 
views? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: I’m too strong. | can- 
not be changed. My political point of view 
has been the same since I was 18. When I 
came to this country, I was in heaven, be- 
cause Richard Nixon was President and 
Reagan was governor of California. I said, 
his is great. This is right up my alley.” 
PLAYBOY: What about women’s rights? 
Your wile also has a very visible job; has 
that been a problem for someone with your 
old-fashioned views? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: When I first came 10 
this country, I thought I would marry a 
woman who would take care of me and 
cook for me and take care of the house, the 
way my mother did. That's what I knew 
and it worked well at home, so I thought. 
That's exactly the way | would like it. 
PLAYBOY: What changed your mind? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: 1 lived here and went to 
school here and was exposed to new ideas. 
In bodybuilding, | saw women who want- 
ed to get into the sport and were treated 
like second-class citizens. 1 felt that it was 
very unfair. So, in the mid-Seventies, 1 
made a move to include women in body- 
building, even though it isn't my trip to see 
women with big muscles. But I appreciate 
their intentions. Sport is for all people, not 
just one sex. I learned that you have to 
look at women differently. It came very 
slow. But after being called a m: 
vinist pig by every girl, I now understand 
the struggle of women. 

PLAYBOY: Has marrying Maria helped? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Of course. She’s out 
there competing in a man’s profession, and 
I sce how hard it is. And it adds to my life, 
100. 

PLAYBOY: In what way? 


lways on the 


FEKEEETFEEITETILTILII 


Panasonic introduces bass so power 
it can actually blow out a match. 


XBS stereos with extra bass. 


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XBS-the new power bass. Punch the XBS 
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of the cassette decks has auto-reverse. So you 
can flip over ће music without flipping over 
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For bass you can ‚hear, feel and actually see, 

S jasonic RX-FW39 


any measure. 


PLAYBOY 


SCHWARZENEGGER: When you have a wom- 
an who has a profession, the nice thing is 
that there is an exchange of ideas. When 
you come home, you don't just talk about 
yourself and what you did. Maria tells me 
who she interviewed, what she learned. 
And 1 learn from that. So when we sit 
at dinner, we have the most interesting 
conversations. It’s a two-way street, We 
are on equal grounds. There is no boss— 
though my wife sometimes tries to make 
mc believe differently. I know for sure the 
way it really is. 

PLAYBOY: You say vou have a big ego. Do 
you ever get jealous of Maria because she 
gets a great deal of media attention, too? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Not at all. I’m doing 
fine the way 1 am. Sometimes I don't want 
to pose for a cover with Maria, because I 
know then an editor wants to do an 
Arnold-and-Maria story rather than some- 
thing that will promote a movie. But it’s 
not jealousy of Maria. If they want to put 
her on the cover instead of me, great; I'm 
very happy. But I don’t want to sell the 
Kennedy shit, because that’s something 
totally different. 

PLAYBOY: You’ve built tennis courts at your 
new home. Have you always been interest- 
ed in tennis? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: No, I became interest- 
ed in it because of Maria. 

PLAYBOY: Can you beat her? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No, I can't. 

PLAYBOY: That’s good for you. It keeps you 
humble. 

SCHWARZENEGGER: No, it’s good for her. It 
makes her feel good. 

PLAYBOY: How docs it make you feel? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: It inspires me. [Half 
jokingly) 1 say to myself, “TI take 1000 
hours of tennis lessons and I'll beat her.” 
PLAYBOY: You've said that you don't al- 
low Maria to wear pants. Now, what's the 
story? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: | hate pants. This is 
something 1 have inherited from my fa- 
ther. He despised pants, and my mother 
was never allowed to wcar them at home. 
We're talking about a different time period 
now, when the man was much more the 
ruler of the house. But I still feel that way, 
and neither my mother nor Maria is al- 
lowed to go out with me in pants. 
PLAYBOY: You prefer your women in dresses 
and skirts? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: Definitely. Although 
sometimes when I see models wearing 
pants, it looks great. It looks sexy when 
you see them dance and stufflike that. But, 
in general, 1 still like the old-fashioned 
way. A dress represents the opposite sex. 
It’s more feminine and it's sexier. There 
are times when 1 can understand that a 
woman would want to wear pants. A stew- 
ardess docsn’t want anyone looking up her 
dress. Maria would never wear pants, be- 
lieve me. 


PLAYBOY: Why not? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: Because she knows she 
looks better in dresses. Maria has the kind 
of look—the kind of face and hair and eyes 
and mouth and body—that is very royal. 
Like a queen. And I don't like to see a 
queen in pants. Maria looks great in very 
strong colors, because she has such strong 
features and dark hair; her clothes have to 
counterbalance that. She needs royal blues 
and red or black and white; she needs to 
stay away from carthy colors. 

PLAYBOY: You and Maria had known cach 
other for ten years before you got married. 
Why did you wait so long? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: The day I met her, I 
felt that she was a very special woman, but 
our relationship started very slowly. Look- 
ing back, I can say that every year I’ve 
been with her, I've loved her more. But a 
commitment to marriage is not like a busi- 
ness deal where, if it doesn’t work, you go 
to arbitration or to court. That's why I 
didn't jump in when I was 25 or 30 or 35. 
It was right to wait, because I wasn't 
ready. I jumped in when I was 39. 1 knew 
that Maria was the right woman for me, 
and she has been the greatest addition to 
my life and my happiness. 

PLAYBOY: Before you were married, you 


“I hate pants on women. 
Neither my mother nor 
Maria is allowed to 
go oul with me in pants.” 


and Maria kept separate residences. Why? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: It was better. Maria 
comes from the number-one Catholic fam- 
ily in America, and it just would not be 
right. I didn’t want people to write about 
how she lived in sin. I wasn’t thinking 
selfishly. I'm Catholic, too, but I don't 
care about all that. But I have all duc re- 
spect for the family and I didn’t want to 
hurt their image. d 

PLAYBOY: You’ve come [rom different back- 
grounds, to say the least. Docs that cause 
problems? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: That's always been a 
big asset to us. Maria has a great sense of 
humor, and she laughs at my being a per- 
fectionist. As soon as I take a sweater off, I 
want to hang it up. When I have laundry, 
L put it in the right place. rn very neat, 
and because I was a bachelor for so long, I 
picked up certain habits. My mother was 
а fanatic about cleanliness. Also, my love 
for clothes and my possessions is much 
greater than Mar 
never had anything. And whatever I did 
havc, I had to take care of. For i 
we're going to throw a football around, I'll 


"s for hers, because I 


put on a five-dollar sweat shirt. You know, 
you jump on the grass and roll around. 
Maria doesn't hestitate to put on a cash- 
mere sweater and roll around in the grass. 
I'm amazed that she can put on a $400 
cashmere sweater so comfortably and 
sweat and throw a football or play tennis 
in it. I couldn't. 

This, of course, is my upbringing. In 
Austria, silk or cashmere wasn't heard of. 
PLAYBOY: So America's leading macho man 
is concerned about cashmere. Is it truc 
that Maria gives you her buttons to sew 
on? 

SCHWARZENEGGER: Shc docsn't do that 
anymore; she will have them sewn on by 
somebody. But she knows | love domestic 
work. I used to love washing my own laun- 
dry or cooking for myselfor vacuum clean- 
ing the apartment. I really enjoyed it. 
When we have dinner at home, I will go 
and take the dishes away and rinse them 
off. Having lived alone so long, I know that 
if you leave dishes in the sink, they get 
sticky and hard to wash the next day. 
PLAYBOY: We've never thought of you as be- 
ing domestic. 

SCHWARZENEGGER: You should see me iron 
shirts! 

PLAYBOY: So, for all intents and purposes, 
yours is the ultimate American success sto- 
ry. You have more money than you can 
count; you have married a beautiful worn- 
an from one of America’s most prominent 
families; your carcer is going great guns— 
what do you fantasize about now? 
SCHWARZENEGGER: The only fantasics 1 
have are about my future. Daydreams, I 
would say. I have a very strong power of 
vision. When I used to train, I was very 
much into visualizing my body. I saw the 
body in front of me, the way it should look, 
and then I would do the exercises accord- 
ing to that vision. Many people attributed 
my winning all those competitions to that. 

It’s not something I do with a conscious 

effort at all. I don’t say. “Let me think 
about where | would like to be ten years 
from now.” It just runs by, like a movie. 
The visions come in from somewhere, and 
then I go after those things. I think, That's 
a great idea, what I just saw, and then I go 
after that. | may be guided by my visions 
more than by conscious decisions. 
PLAYBOY: But the practical side of you is 
concerned with making money, more and 
more profits. 
SCHWARZENEGGER: No, money doesn't 
mean anything to me. When I think about 
money, I want to have enough so I can 
have fun. Fun is the most important thing. 
I want joy. I want fun. I want to play ten- 
nis and go mountain hiking, river rafting 
and skiing. I want to have a great time 
with my life. 


+ 


* >Twas the night before Christmas 
andall гуш hthehouse 


nota UA was stirring, 


_ well, maybe just a little stirring 


To send a gift of Crown Royal, dial 1-800-238-4373. Void where prohibited. 
(© 1986SEAGRAM DBTILLERSCO. N.Y. BLENDED CANADIAN WHISKEY: 80 PROOF. 


HE SURGEON 


“МАКЕ A GOOD STIFF DRINK FOR EACH OF 
US, DARLING. I'VE GOT A BIT OF NEWS” 


FICTION By ROALD DAHL «o нс vone extraor- 


dinarily well.” Robert Sandy said, seating himself behind the desk. 


“It's altogether a splendid recovery. I don't think there's any песа for 


you to come and see me anymore.” 


The patient finished putting on his clothes and said to the surgeon, 


“May I speak to you, please, for another moment?” 
“Of course you may,” Robert Sandy said. “Take a seat.” 
The man sat down opposite the surgeon and leaned forward, plac- 


ing his hands, palms downward, on the top of the desk. “I suppose 


you still refuse to take a fee?” he said. 


“Dye never taken one yet and I don't propose to change my ways at 


р 


PLAYBOY 


76 


this time of life,” Robert Sandy told hi 
pleasantly, “I work entirely for the Na- 
tional Health Service, and they pay me a 
very fair salary.” 

Robert Sandy, М.А, M.Ch., 
F.R.C.S, had been at The Radcliffe 
Infirmary in Oxford for 18 years, and he 
was now 52 years old, with a wife and 
three grown-up children. Unlike many of 
his colleagues, he did not hanker after 
fame and riches. He was basically a sim- 
ple man, devoted to his profession. 

It was not seven weeks since his pa- 
tient, a university undergraduate, had 
been rushed into casualty by ambulance 
after a nasty automobile accident in the 
Banbury Road, near the hospital. He 
was suffering from massive abdominal 
injuries and he had lost consciousness. 
When the call came through from casu- 
alty for an emergency surgeon, Robert 
Sandy was up in his office having a cup of 
tea alter a fairly arduous morning’s 
work, which had included a gall bladder, 
a prostate and a total colostomy; but for 
some reason, he happened to be the only 
gencral surgcon available at the moment. 
He took one more sip of his tea, then 
walked straight back into the operating 
theater and started scrubbing up all over 
again. 

After three and a half hours on the 
operating table, the patient was still alive 
and Robert Sandy had done everything 
he could to save his life. The next day, to 
the surgeon’s considerable surprise, the 
man was showing signs that he was going 
to survive. In addition, his mind was lu- 
cid and he was speaking coherently. It 
was only then, on the morning after the 
operation, that Robert Sandy began го 
realize that he had an important person 
оп his hands. Three dignified gentlemen 
from the Saudi Arabian embassy, includ- 
ing the ambassador himself, came into 
the hospital, and the first thing they 
wanted was to call in all manner of cele- 
brated surgeons from Harley Street to 
advise on the case. The patient, with bot- 
tles suspended all round his bed and 
tubes running into many parts of his 
body, shook his head and murmured 
something in Arabic to the ambassador. 
he wants only you to look 

the ambassador said to 


Robert Sandy. 
“You are very welcome to call in any- 
onc else you choose for consultation,” 


Г he doesn't want us to," the 
ambassador He says you have 
saved 
you. We must respect his wishe 

The ambassador then told 


Robert 
Sandy that his patient was none other 
than a prince of royal blood. In other 


words, he was onc of the many sons of 
the present king of Saudi Arabia 

A few days later, when the prince was 
off the danger list, the embassy tried once 


again to persuade him to make a change. 
It wanted him to be moved to a far more 
luxurious hospital that catered only to 
private patients, but the prince would 
have none of it. “I stay here,” he said, 
“with the surgeon who saved my life.” 

Robert Sandy was touched by the 
confidence his patient was putting in 
him, and throughout the long weeks of 
recovery, he did his best to ensure that 
this confidence was not misplaced. 

And now, in the consulting room, the 
prince was saying, “I do wish you would 
allow me to pay you for all you have 
done, Mr. Sandy.” The young man had 
spent three years at Oxford, and he knew 
very well that in England, a surgeon was 
always addressed as mister and not doc- 
tor. “Please let me pay you, Mr. Sandy,” 
he said. 

Robert Sandy shook his head. “I’m 
sorry,” he answered, “but I still have to 
say no. It's just a personal rule of mine 
and I won't break it.” 

“But dash it all, you saved my life,” 
the prince said, tapping the palms of his 
hands on the desk. 

“I did no more than any other com- 
petent surgeon would have done,” 
Robert Sandy said 

"The prince took his hands off the desk 
and clasped them on his lap. “All right, 
Mr. Sandy, even though you refuse a fee, 
there is surely no reason why my father 
should not give you a small present to 
show his gratitude.” 

Robert Sandy shrugged his shoulders. 
Grateful patients quite often gave him a 
case of whisky or a dozen bottles of wine, 
and he accepted these things gracefully. 
He never expected them, but he was aw- 
fully pleased when they arrived. It was a 
nice way of saying thank you. 

The prince took from his jacket pocket 
a small pouch made of black velvet and 
pushed it across the desk. “My father,” 
he said, “has asked me to tell you how 
enormously indebted he is to you for 
what you have done. He told me that 
whether you took a fee or not, I was to 
make sure you accepted this little gift.” 

Robert Sandy looked suspiciously at 
the black pouch, but he made no moye to 
take it. 

“My father,” the prince went on, 
"said also to tell you that in his eyes, my 
life is without price and that nothing on 
carth can repay you adequately for hav- 
ing saved it. This is simply a—what shall 
we call it?—a present for your next 
birthday. A small birthday presen! 

“He shouldn't give me anything,” 
Robert Sandy said. 

“Look at it, please,” the prince said. 

Rather gingerly, the surgeon picked up 
the pouch and loosened the silk thread at 
the opening. When he tipped it upside 
down, there was a flash of brilliant light 
as something ice-white dropped onto the 
plain wooden desktop, The stone was 


about the size of a cashew nut or a bit 
larger, perhaps three quarters of an inch 
long from end to end, and it was pear- 
shaped, with a very sharp point at the 
narrow end. Its many facets glimmered 
and sparkled in the most wonderfull way. 

“Good gracious me,” Robert Sandy 
said, looking at it but not yet touching it. 
“what is it?” 

“It's a diamond," the prince said. 
“Pure white. 105 not especially large, 
but the color is good.” 

“1 really can't accept a present like 
this,” Robert Sandy said. “It wouldn't 
be right. It must be quite valuable.” 

The prince smiled at him. “T must tell 
you something, Mr. Sandy,” he said 
“Nobody refuses a gift from the king. It 
would be a terrible insult. It has neyer 
been done.” 

Robert Sandy looked back at the 
prince. “Oh, dear,” he said. “You are 
making it awkward for me, aren't you?” 

“It is not awkward at all,” the prince 
said. “Just take it. 

You could give it to the hospital.” 
үс have already made a donation to 
the hospital,” the prince said. “Please 
take it, not just for my father but for me 
as well.” 

“You are very kind,” Robert Sandy 
said. “All right, then. But I feel quite 
embarrassed.” He picked up the dia- 
mond and placed it in the palm of one 
hand. “There's never been a diamond in 
our family before,” he said. “Gosh, it is 
beautiful, isn’t it? You must please con- 
vey my thanks to His Majesty and tell 
him I shall always treasure it. 

“You don't actually have to hang on to 
it,” the prince said. “My father would 
not be in the Icast offended if you were to 
sell it. Who knows, onc day you might 
need a little pocket money.” 

“I don't think I shall sell it,” Robert 
Sandy said. “It is too lovely. Perhaps I 
shall have it made into a pendant for my 
wile.” 

“What a nice idea,” the prince said, 
getting up from his chair. “And please 
remember what I told you before. You 
and your wife are invited to my country 
at any time. My father would be happy 
to welcome you both.” 

"Thats very good cf him,” 
“I won't forget.” 

Ww bol the prince had gone, Robert 
Sandy picked up the diamond again and 
cxamined it with total fascination. It was 
dazzling in its beauty, and as he moved it 
gently from side to side in his palm, one 
facet after another caught the light from 
the window and flashed brilliantly with 
blue and pink and gold. He glanced at 
his watch. It was ten minutes past three. 
An idea had come to him. He picked up 
the telephone and asked his secretary if 
there was anything else urgent for him 
to do that afternoon. If there wasn't, he 
told her, he (continued on page 209) 


Robert 


78 


layboy predicted Kim Basinger's big-screen potential in a 1983 


cover story, a photo essay Kim herself has often hailed as “a stu- 
pendous success . . . you can't imagine what happened to my 
career because of Playboy.” Back then, judging the merits of this 
Georgia-bred honey seemed such a daunting task that we re- 
cruited a panel of experts to appraise her prospects. They judged them hot. Federico 
Fellini called her “the prototype of a galactic New Woman,” while the late Bob Fosse 


cited “a mouth that would turn a leader of the Moral Majority into a heavy breather.” 


After her kinky fix with Mickey 
Rourke in 912 Weeks (lett), 
Kim went on to star with 
Richard Gere in No Mercy 
(above) and Jeff Bridges in 
Nadine (below). Her other 
leading men have included a 
Who's Who of contemporary 
hunks: Sean Connery, Burt 
Reynolds, Robert Redford, 
Sam Shepard and Bruce 
Willis—quite a list for an ac- 
tress whose first appearance 
оп our pages, five years ago, 
brought her to the attention of 
top Hollywood directors. The 
rest, as they say, is history. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


o argument, guys, she's the steamiest screen blonde since Turner, Monroe and Bardot. 


OK, looking good came easy for Kim, aformer top 
model but so shy as a schoolgirl that she'd faint if 
called on to recite before a class. Even so, Kim in- 
sists she saw the future burning bright: “I've al- 
ways been on a roll. . . . | had my ups and downs, 
yes, but | just knew everything would come." 


asinger has dared . . . and bared . . . plenty in a series of controversial career moves. 


е, 2 


| = 
ت 


Recalling the challenge of her striptease in 9/2 
Weeks, she notes, “І figured | was only going 
to do this once in my life, so | gave it all I’ve 
got." Nadine director Robert Benton sums up: 
"She's so beautiful, it's hard for many people 
to accept her immense talent as an actress.” 


oised as a movie star or posed as a top model, Kim Basinger becomes a legend most. 


Kim, who rarely minces words, often tells in- 
terviewers that she prefers animals to people. 
And when her first unveiling here was criticized 
by a cosmetics exec whose products she had 
hyped, she replied "There's more of the essen- 
tial truth of me in the Playboy layout." Amen. 


THE SIA TIES: A REAPPRAISAL 


We asked for two viewpoints on the 
Sixties—one from the political right, 
that of David Horowitz and Peter Col- 
lier, best-selling authors of “The Rocke- 
fellers,” “The Kennedys” and “The 
Fords,” whose histories include a stint on 
the radical magazine Ramparts; and 
one from the political lefi, that of 
Harlan Ellison (overleaf), a celebrated 
short-story and screenplay writer, 
winner of PEN, Writers Guild, Edgar 
and Hugo awards, The ground rules 
were identical; The essays were to 
he of similar length, and no pecking al 
the other side’s article until publication. 


essay By David Horowitz 
and Peter Collier 


PART ONE: GOOD RIDDANCE 


T WAS the summer of 1969, a moment when the au- 
guries all seemed to point toward revolution. Tom 
Hayden, a leading movement figure facing conspiracy 
charges in Chicago, was calling for the creation of 
“liberated zones” in American cities. The Weather- 
men, the faction that had seized control of Students 
for a Democratic Society, were planning to begin 
guerrilla warfare before the year was out. But most 
radicals had fixed their attention on the Black Panther 
Party, which Hayden had called America’s Viet Cong. 

Others were talking; the Panthers were doing. Their membership 
had been involved in shoot-outs with the police that were widely re- 
garded by the radical community as dress rehearsals for the coming 
Armageddon. Because the party leadership had been decimated (Huey 


Newton was in jail for killing a policeman, Eldridge Cleaver in exile 


and Bobby Seale under indicument), Field Marshal David Hilliard had 
taken charge of the effort to keep the party together and build support 
among whites. The celebrated French writer Jean Genet was infatuated 
with the Panthers and Hilliard persuaded him to come to the Bay Area 
to speak in behalf of the party. 

One of the stops was an appearance at Stanford University and a 


cocktail party before the speech hosted by (continued on page 189) 


amid the boom in sixties nostalgia, a pair of former radicals argues that 


є the age of aquarius was one long, bad trip bya destructive generation... 


PAINTING BY MARSHALL ARISMAN 


THE SIXTIES: A REAPPRAISAL 


PART TWO: HAIL THE LIGHT 


EVEN-LEAGUE strides have been made driving 
the words nigger, kike, spick, wop and broad back 
to the darkness from which they shambled 
(Which is not to say there is any less bigotry and 
racism in the chopped liver; it’s just that even the 
most slope-browed trog knows it ain't cool to use 
such catchy appellations in nouvelle society.) 
Consigning those words to the dust heaps is one 


essay By Harlan Ellison 


of the small benefits we derived from the height- 


ened social consciousness of the Sixties. One of the uncountable num- 


ber of good things the Sixties and its action handed down to us 


struggling through the Eighties 

How ironic, then, that we now have a new epithet to replace the old 
derogatories used to dismiss those we hold in contempt, a freshly mint- 
ed replacement for beatnik, old Wobbly. longhair and burnout: Now, 
from the pens and mouths of Sixties bashers. we discover that those 
who fought and, in some terrible instances, died for those benefits are 


“refugees from the Sixties.” And the stereotype is a hairy, unkempt, 


ponytailed buffoon in either tie-dved jeans or a Nehru jacket, mum- 
bling like Shirley MacLaine about cosmic oneness and offering flowers 
on a Street corner in the Haight. 


On a current ABC sitcom called Head of the Class, the character 


...While a still-angry young(ish) man berates the sellouts and proudly 
proclaims that the song the sixties sang was sweet and enduring 


PAINTING FOR PLAYBOY BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH PETER MAX 


89 


PLAYBOY 


Charley Moore, teacher of a group of 
high-I.Q. honors students in a New York 
high school, is summed up by one cf 
his smug, computer-linked nerds as 
a “refugee from the Sixties.” Charley 
Moore lives in Greenwich Village, wears 
his hair with a slave-tail lock hanging 
over his collar, tries to imbue his charges 
with the subtleties and personalities be- 
hind the cold dates of historical events, is 
humane and passionate and bemusedly 
dedicated to the nobility of teaching with 
excellence. 

He is a refugee from the Sixties. . . - 

As opposed to the prototypical Yuppie 
in training we see around us as the 
paradigm of the Eighties, the icon 
movies and television proffer as the bill- 
board ideal for us all: the self-serving, 
essentially hollow, mass-consuming, fad- 
following, cowardly, afraid-to-spcak-up 
refugee of the Mc Decade. 

It has become accepted wisdom that 
those who were “active” in the Sixties 
(actually the period roughly beginning 
with the Inauguration of J.F.K. in 1961 
and ending with the disgrace of Nixon in 
1974) gave us nothing of value, That it 
was a 13-year carnival of clowns. A time 
of folderol and flapping jaws. That it was 
a cultural aberration from which the rich 
and prosperous Eighties, in all its som- 
nambulistic grandeur, derives no noble 
legacy. 

The phrase horse puckey leaps to 
mind. 

Strap me in the chair, turn on the juice 
and fry my fruit salad: I remember a 
different Sixties. One the bashers labor 
mightily to discredit. A Sixties that kids 
weaned on the drum box and frozen 
waffles cannot find in their parents’ 
scrapbooks among the shots of blissed- 
out flower children and vegetable-dye- 
tattooed Deadheads at Altamont. The 
Sixties J remember was a time of life be- 
ing lived at the edge of the skin, one filled 
with an entire nation of concerned, active 
Americans throwing off the restrictions of 
200 years of cultural hypocrisy and re- 
pression, challenging authority, refusing 
to believe the advertising-promoted lies 
about life and cthics that had been the 
hallmark of John Waync's Fifties. 

There was music in this land during 
the Sixties. Not just the sound of the 
Beatles or Dylan or Motown but a song 
that spoke of human involvement. A 
melody of strength and commitment, of 
responsibility and giving a damn about 
the condition of life for everyone, not just 
those who could make the best bottom- 
line showing on the year-end annual re- 


port. 


. 

The horn tooter pauses. 

I was not a kid during the Sixties. I 
was born in 1934 (also not a terrific 
year). I was on the cusp of 30 when it all 
started, just about at that “Never trust 


anyone over” age. But I was a kid in the 
Forties and I managed to live through 
the Fifties, if one uses the broadest 
definition of living. And therein lies the 
core of why the Sixtics were, and remain, 
so important. The Fifties. Anyone who 
forgets or never knew what this country 
was like during those years of the mili- 
tary draft, the war in Korea, the resur- 
gence of the Klan, the free and blithe 
testing of nuclear weapons, the miasma 
of fear produced by the McCarthy hear- 
ings, the blacklists, the Cold War hyste- 
ria, the selling of handy back-yard 
atomic-bomb shelters . . . simply does 
not remember, if they ever knew, just 
what an uptight, terrified place this place 
was. A young Hugh Hefner knew (said 
the horn tooter, knowing which side his 
essay was buttered on). And he got a 
jump on the Sixties with this very 
magazine, which by the Sixties had al- 
ready become a powerful anti-Fifties 
wedge in dislodging a bogus and self-de- 
luding image of the American way. 

In the Fifties, anyone who did not sub- 
scribe to the idea that going to war was 
nobler than opting out, emptying bed- 
pans in a hospital and coming on as a 
conscientious objector . . . was looked on 
as subversive, suspect, cowardly and un- 
American. 

In the Fifties, schools had dress codes. 

In the Fifties, there were “good” girls 
or “tramps” who did it in the back seats 
of Edsels. Those were the available cate- 
gories. Women prepared meals, bore ba- 
bies, fetched the coffee in offices and 
asserted their interest in serving the com- 
monweal by rolling bandages at the hos- 
pital two afternoons a week. Norman 
Rockwell painted the family unit for the 
cover of The Saturday Evening Post; and 
in those paintings, Mom was always 
smiling. . . no doubt as she looked for- 
ward to the load of dirty laundry waiting 
just off stage. 

In the Fifties, the voices of America 
were Pat Boone, Patti Page and Connie 
Francis. Perry Como was the voice that 
resided in the perfection of the egg at the 
center of the universe. 

In the Fifties, the lies that had sus- 
tained America through the Thirties and 
Forties began to crumble from ethical 
dry rot. We began to understand that we 
could not continue to delude ourselves 
that we were a nation formed in the melt- 
ing pot like some crazed Hollywood con- 
cept of the typical B-17 crew: one wop, 
one spick, one kike, one mick—but never 
any blacks, The supporting roles were all 
the same, all lovable in a harmless char- 
acter-actor way; and save for those 
stereotyped ethnic differences, they were 
interchangeable. In the Fifties, if you 
wanted to be a star of the first magni- 
tude, you changed your name from 
Julius Garfinkle to John Garfield, from 
Margarita Carmen Cansino to Rita Hay- 


worth, from Walter Matuschanskayasky 
to Walter Matthau; you didn’t even con- 
ceive of the possibility of getting a studio 
to make a picture starring anyone with 
а name as "unbankable" as Arnold 
Schwarzenegger, Meryl Streep or Emilio 
Estevez. 

In the Fifties, if your name was Eddie 
Murphy, you played an Irish cop. 

(Look at It’s a Wonderful Life, emblem- 
atic of all that was good in our postwar 
view of ourselves—and, as subtext, what 
was bad—the celluloid embodiment of 
all the attributes of earlier decades. The 
immigrants were all noble, all eager to 
lose their funny accents and foreign ways 
and stinky cooking, to be Just Plain 
Folks, invisible and melded with white- 
bread WASPdom.) 

But by the late Fifties, this attitude 
was seriously mildewed, thanks to Mc- 
Carthyism, television, juvenile delin- 
quency, alcoholism, Korea and the rapid 
deterioration of the small communities 
within great cities that were once called 
neighborhoods. We snarled in our chains 
and the Sixties waited, poised, to blow it 
all away. 

But I was no kid as the Sixties came 
rattling its changes. I do not look back on 
those times with blinders and sigh for the 
good old days. Although I was a part of 
much of it—the civil rights wars, the rise 
of the feminist movement, the breakouts 
in arts and letters, the antinuclear 
protests, the restructuring of political at- 
titudes—I was in it but not of it. Al- 
though I marched with King and Cesar 
Chavez, got myself on Governor Rea- 
gan's subversives list, wrote columns for 
the L.A. Free Press and lectured in hun- 
dreds of universities about the changes a 
new generation was happily forcing on 
us, I never accepted the bullshit and pet- 
tiness, the okeydoke and flummery of 
much of what individuals were doing, the 
gaffes and peccadilloes that the bashers 
now use to dismiss everything of conse- 
quence in that 13-year decade. 

Like them, I wince at the self-con- 
sciousness of protest folk singers; revile 
the irresponsibility of Timothy Leary, 
turning so many dips on to LSD; ques- 
tion the efficacy of Allen Ginsberg’s try- 
ing to levitate the Pentagon; and am 
simply reduced to porridge at the memo- 
ry of a Woodstock audience, believing 
that if it chanted in unison, it could stop 
the rain pissing on its holy ceremony. I 
praise the song of the Sixties, but I 
haven't preserved my bell-bottom Levi's 
with the appliqued butterfly in adoration 
of a halcyon era softened by memory, or 
in expectation of its return, no matter 
how big a resurgence paisley is having. 

And who gives a shit that the cam- 
paign to eat natural-fiber breakfast 
cereals was led in the Sixties by Euell 
Gibbons, with John Denver munching 
along behind in the Eighties? 

(continued on page 194) 


this time, I won't blow it!” 


91 


COME ON, 


let the 
good times 


roll 


FIFIY-FOUR YEARS AGO, Cole Porter gave us his list: the Colosseum. . . the Louvre 


Museum . . . a Bendel bonnet . . . a Shakespeare sonnet . . . a melody from 


a symphony by Strauss .. . Mickey Mouse . . . the Nile . . . the Tower of 
Pisa .. . the smile on the Mona Lisa . . . Mahatma Gandhi . . . Napoleon 
brandy . . . the purple light uf a summer night in Spain... the National 
Gallery . . . Garbo's salary . . . cellophane . . . a turkey dinner . . . the time of 


the derby winner. . а Waldorf salad . .. a Berlin ballad . . . the nimble tread. 


of the feet of Fred Astaire. .. an O'Neill drama . . . Whistler's momma . . . 
camembert . . . a rose . . . Inferno’s Dante . . . the nose on the great Du- 
rante. . . . According to him, they were all the top. The very best. It's still a 


pretty good list—and a great song, the top all on its own. Nevertheless, it’s 
time for an update. There's а sea of junk out there, whether it be counterfeit 
Hong Kong watches, TV evangelists or mud wrestling, But there is still gold 
to be discovered in them thar hills. And luckily, you have us—the Playboy 
mining team, whose job it is to bring back The Best, whether it be a revolu- 


For the third 


tionary new pair of binoculars or a customized Mercedes-Benz 
straight year, we've unearthed a selection of prizes for you, things done right 


for a change. Read on. Enjoy. And, mest important, accept no substitutes! 


THE CORRECT WAY TO SHAVE 


For a shave that’s a cut above, begin by washing your face with warm water and 
soap, but don’t dry it. Apply shaving cream, foam or gel. Shave the upper checks 
and work south. Short, gentle strokes in the direction in which the beard grows are 
more effective than longer ones. Rinse your razor frequently to prevent a build-up of 
shaving debris, and move to the upper lip and chin. The toughest whiskers grow in 
these areas, and they require more time to absorb water and soften properly. Pro- 
ceed to the neck for the final strokes. After you're through shaving, rinse the blade 
and shake off excess water. Don't wipe the blade, as that will dull the cutting edge. 


DREAM OF A SMOKE 

The ultimate pipe honors go to a rare Alfred Dunhill of 
London six-star straight-grain. The briar is chosen by Rich- 
ard Dunhill, Alfred's grandson. For $1700, it should be. 


BEST BEST NEW BEST 
ROAD SHOE BINOCULARS SHOE POLISH 


Put your foot in it with The 7x30 wide-angle- John Lobb Ltd. of Lon- 
J. P. Tod's soft driving Beecher Mirage is one don arguably makes the 
shoe, a moccasin that sixth the weight and bulk world’s best boots—hav- 
boasts true grip on the of standard binoculars ing counted Queen Vic- 
pedals and adds class toria and Edward ҮП аз 
to road trips. The price customers. I1 figures that 
is $139, from Diego its shoc polish is the best, 
Della Valle, New York. too. Just five poundsajar. 


yet offers incredible op- 
tics. When you're not 
bird watching, a rubber 
strap holds it on your 
forchead. Beecher Re- 
scarch of Chicago makes 
the Mirage for only $295 


HELLO, BROLLY 


The royal whip-and-glove purveyor to Her Majesty the queen also makes the best 
bumbershoots. London’s Swaine Adeney Brigg and Sons Ltd. has been shielding 
aristocratic noggins from the rain since 1750. A gold king’s umbrella costs £950. 


BEST OVER- 
NIGHT BAG 


While we wouldn’t ex- 
actly call her a bag, top 
honors would have to go 
to Donna Rice. Second 
place in carry-on lug- 
gage, giving a twist to 
the term few achieve, 
goes to the one Gary 
Hart carries. But from 
this picture, we couldn't 
identify the brand. Was 
it the Runaways, by 
Boy? The Dynamite 
model, by Amelia Ear- 
hart? Or Earhart’s Non- 
stop model? Possibly a 
Lark? It has a CO-X 
model, afterall. Oh, yeah! 


BEST PRIVATE 
DINING CLUB 


Unless you know Jovan 
Trboyevic, the urbane 
owner of Les Nomades 
on Chicago's Near North 
Side, its discrcet portals 
remain closed. But for 
members, a wonderful 
biswoatmosphere awaits. 
The food, often decep- 
tively simple but daring, 
seldom disappoints. And 
the wine/spirits list offers 
good value and quality. 


BEST NORMAN 
ROCKWELL FOOD 


The Avenue Grill in Mill Valley, Califor- 
nia, a splendid Fifties-deco setting for a 
rendering of traditional open-all-night 
ideas. The food, haute diner. Here can be 
found a good meat loaf, roast turkey and 
dressing, even fish sticks 'n' tartar sauce 
оп White Trash Food night—or an oyster 
poor boy, grilled black-tip shark or tasty 
holishkes, depending оп the 
night's fonds theme Inventive, 

incredibly edible Americana. 


BEST 
ICE CREAM 


The official ice cream 
of Iowa, Sweet Iowa, 
is a flavor combining 
chocolate laced with 
blackberries. Blooming- 
dale's sells it and 40 or 
so other flavors of their 
ісе cream exclusively. 
The company has even 
won a Trucks of the 
Month award for its arty 
semis. So our triple-dip 
choice for best ice cream 
goes to The Great Mid- 
western Ice Cream Com- 
pany of Fairfield, Iowa. 


BEST ONION RINGS 


If Boone’s Prime Time Pub in Suttons 
Bay, Michigan, had a carrousel, these 
are the rings we'd be reaching for. 
Sweet, fresh, saucer-sized onions thick- 
ly coated in homemade batter, then 
deep fried crisp and golden— 
$2.25 a serving. 


BEST DOMESTIC 
WINE LIST 

You'll find the most extensive domes- 
tic-wine list at the Nob Hill Restaurant 
in San Francisco's Mark Hopkins In- 
ter-Continental. Here are wines from 
34 states. Texas chardonnay, y'all? 


HARMONICATS* 
MEOW 


The Hohner Marine 
Band harmonica goes 
back to 1896. It's been 
played by everyone from 
John Philip Sousa to 
John Lennon and good 
ol” what's-his-name here. 
The Sixties folk boom 
would have been a bust 
without it. Right, Bob? 


IN THE BOARDWALK 


We can't think of a game that better exemplifies good old- 
fashioned American cutthroatedness and greed than 
Monopoly. The infinite pleasure of watching friends and 
loved ones hand over their last mortgaged properties to 

vou. The slumlord joy of 
piling houscs on Baltic 
Avenue. No wonder it's 
available in 24 languages 
and is banned in Russia. 


HOT THOCKS 


Summer 1953. David 
Mullany, Sr., feared 
for Junior’s arm as 
he threw snapping- 
wrist curves. Eu- 
reka! The Wiffle 
ball was born. A 
dipsy-doodle-sinker- 
ball pitcher's dream 


THE LOOK OF LOVE 


“A private facility dedicated to romantic marriage” is how the management de- 
scribes the Sybaris club, an establishment that offers Midwestern couples what 
surely must be the ultimate in sexy seclusion—luxurious cottages, with no win- 
dows and no phones, that are available for an afternoon or night only to a coo- 
some twosome. (No group gropes, please.) There are two Sybaris locations in 
the Chicago area, one in Downers Grove and the other in Northbrook; they 
offer a variety of rooms, from your basic Sybaris Suite, with a water bed, 
mirrored ceiling, etc., toa Deluxe Swimming Pool Suite that includes a pri- 
vate 22-foot pool, waterfall, two tubs, a steam room and more. Prices 
range from $45 to $350, depending on time, day and the suite chosen. 
There are also a variety of memberships available. Go, you sexy devil. 


CLASSICS 


LONG IN 
THE NECK 


Beer tastes better out of 
one. First introduced in 
the 1890s, long-neck bot- 
Чез have a stubborn, 
streamlined elegance un- 
matched by can or keg. 
So we salute the brew- 
eries still using them— 
you know who you are. 


MADE IN 
THE SHADES 


Not much remains hip 
for half a century. But 
Ray-Ban’s aviator sun- 
glasses, introduced in 
1937, have 

stayed 

Ж. соо1, 
from 

Mac- 

Arthur to Tom Cruise. 


FLIP YOUR 
ZIPPO 


Snapped right, it pops 
open. Zippo has divided 
the wimps from the guys 
for generations. 


THE EARS HAVE IT 


For an expert’s opinion on which compact 
discs give you the best sonic bang for your 
CD bucks, we turned to Mr. Golden Ears 
himsel{—David A. Wilson, the president 
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— 


FICTION 


By JAY CANTOR 


in which krazy kat and 


ignatz mouse discover sex!!! 


can they ever go 


back to their comic strip? 


тг ws going to be a very long time, Krazy 
decided, before she played with that Ig- 
natz Mouse again. His games were just 
too strange! In fact, the last one he'd in- 
vented—called psychoanalysis—had so 
throwmetized her that she had spent two 
whole weeks lying on her back, in the 
middle of her rug, arms and legs rigid in 
the air. Supposedly, Ignatz’ psychobusi- 
ness was going to fix Krazy's terrible 
stage fright. Now look! She still couldn't 
go back to her comic strip, to her adoring 
and bereft fans! Heck, she could hardly 
move her legs! 

The mouse had malpracticed her, but 
he had come to visit her every day, 
spoon-fecding her strawberry ice cream 
till she could at least Pogo-stick around 
her house by herself. And his new 
game—fantasy—did sound intriguing 
Ignatz said they were to imagine the sort 
of human beings they would be if they 
were human beings. 

Lips pursed, Ignaz took а judicious 
sip of tca and a ginger cookie from the 
flowered plate on her dining-room table. 
Fantasy, he said, was a necessity for 
Krazy. Her therapy hadn't succeeded 
before because flat comic-strip charac- 
ters didn't know about sex. But when 
they were people, they would have the re- 
al swect stuff, and Ignatz would be able 


to psychoanalyze Krazy more deeply. 
When they returned to Coconino Coun- 
ty, the cured, guilt-free Krazy would be 
able to move her legs casily. And they 
could work again. 

Krazy considered. They — hadn't 
worked for more than 30 years, for her 
heart had gonc on strike from the day she 
had realized that her brick-to-the-bean 
art was harmful to your health. For their 
comic strip was advising everyone, Al- 
mays mix love and pair! Imagine how she 
felt when she realized she was mousc- 
coding that message to the world! Guilty, 
that’s how! It made К.К. personally rc- 
sponsible for lemon used cars, summer 
reruns and the A-bomb! 

"Of course, it means you'll have to 
fuck, and you know. .. ." 

Krazy shuddered. Her legs stuck 
straight out beneath the table. Sex! 
Comic-strip characters couldn't even 
swear! What was Ignaw hiding? And 
how could it be worse than sex? “And 
what?” 

“Well, you know . 4 -~ 
mean. I mean, I think we'll age.” 

Krazy’ 

Ignatz’ tremolo. He. too, was scared. Die, 
Krazy thought. Her fur on fire. No more 
fur. No more her. A thing she couldn't 

ll, Ignatz the artist eternally 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY EVERETT PECK 


impressed her. Now, so that! he and 
Krazy might work again, Ignatz would 
risk humanness—even if it meant their 
doing really embarrassing things and . . . 
dying. “OK,” she said. Her brain bub- 
bled a bit with carefree champagne. Aft 
er all, it was only a game. “ГЇЇ have пісе 
breasts,” she said. And, surprisingly, her 
words left the taste of honey on her 
tongue. 

“Yes!” Ignatz shouted. His big front 
teeth glistened with delight. Krazy was 
very pleased that he was pleased. His 
pleasure meant, Print it She would have 
nice breasts. 

“And I'm a blond Satan. The smooth 
thickness of my arms, legs and body, the 
sag of my big rounded shoulders, make 
my body like a bear’s. It is like a shaved 
bear's: My chest is hairless, My skin is 
childishly soft and pink.” 

Oh, Krazy knew that fellow! It was 
Sam Spade. Ignatz worshiped the gum- 
shoe. He wouldn’t play the sap for any 
bimbo, even lovely, guileful Brigid 
O'Shaughnessy. Well, not this time! 
Krazy thought. This time, Ignatz will 
play the sap for me. “No,” she said. 
“You're thin, and small But he was 
still too threatening. “You have big cars. 
And you wear glasses.” There, she 
thought, now I can love him, He needs 
my protection. She sipped some tea con- 
tentedly. Fantasy Ignatz wouldn't be a 
spiteful tough guy. Неа be cream-cen- 
tered candy, Stan Laurel—like—sensitive 
and very quick to weep. 

“Couldn’t I bea little taller?" 

“OK. But you're still thin. 

“The Thin Man?" the mousc asked 
hopefully. 

“No. Justa thin man. Nothing special. 
Except to me.” She hummed My Funny 
Valentine, but Ignatz didn't smile. “You 
can have the hairless chest,” she added. 
“And the soft pink skin.‘ 

“Ugh!” Big-eyed, he stared across the 
table at her, half afraid of her power. 

Wow! She fixed his shape! He had to 
take the part, because he wanted to star 
in her fantasy! She bent down to lap tea 
from her cup and, giggling with pleasure, 
spluttered some on her black fur. This 
was great! She licked herself clean. 

As for Krazy, Ignatz said she would be 
pretty, with a thin nose, widely spaced 
almond eyes, good cheekbones, nice 
breasts and long, full legs. She would be 
very desirable. 

That was nice, Krazy thought. Well, 
but-sure, he was just pleasing himself! 


Men! (And strawberry ice cream, she re- 
membered, was his favorite flavor, not 
hers.) 

She would have the shape of Mary As- 
tor, Krazy said. Ignatz nodded. Brigid, 
Krazy thought, had had special sap- 
making feminine power. It had some- 
thing to do with wearing hats. When she 
was human, Krazy decided, she would 
get herself a lot of beautiful hats with 
mysterious veils. Krazy clapped her 
Paws together above her head in antici- 
pation and shouted—as when a brick 
used to land on Nogginsville—"Oh, play 
that junk-yard music, Ignatz!” 

“But you're very troubled," Ignatz 
added. Krazy's high spirits fizzled. 
natz wouldn't like a woman without pe- 
tite cars and big bazooms, so he made 
her flaw inward. “You're a graduate stu- 
dent in art history. But you're blocked. 
You can't finish your dissertation. That's 
why you're seeing a therapist. Ме: Dr. 
Ignatz." 

Krazy scrunched her eyes, making 
him disappear. Ignatz always had to 
play doctor. A respected M.D. son was 
what Ignatz’ immigrant father had 
longed for. Which meant Krazy had to 
play patient. 

“те a blocked graduate student at 
the mouse offered in а 
whecdling tone. 

Big ivy-covered deal! Well, probably 
he wanted to be her therapist because he 
wanted to be needed, too. He wanted to 
have a hand in reshaping her. "OK." 

“You сап be blonde,” Ignatz offered 
grandly. 

"T don't want to be.” She wanted to be 
the dark-haired fatal one with the spicy 
hair and the almond eyes. The one who 
didn't feel guilty about anything! “You 
can be blonde. Your wife can be blonde.” 
But Krazy knew her hair would be straw- 
colored. That was what Ignatz wanted, 
so—stop the presses!—it became what 
she wanted, because what she really 
wanted was to be what he wanted. Just 
as he wanted to be what she wanted him 
to be. Mirrors looking at mirrors! 

“My wife?" Ignatz said, exhaling 
slowly. 

“You're married,” Krazy said. She 
could see that they were both relieved by 
this turn in the story. “But you're scpa- 
rated from фе Mrs.” Why separated? 
Why not divorced? Why not never hap- 
pened? Well, ther he'll have to choose me, 
Krazy thought. Besides, he won't always 
be in my hair, my lovely blonde—I mean 


black, oh, hell, blonde hair. “Every 
Tuesday, you visit your estranged wife. 
You stay over till Wednesday. And I have 
a husband, too.” So there, mouse. But 
her left side shivered with anxiety. 

“Your husband's a psychiatrist also.” 

Santa Ignatz was handing out nice 
Jewish doctors! Strangely, Krazy grew 
depressed. 

“You're separated,” he added. 

“Thank God!” Krazy said. Why? But 
to wake up every morning beside a body 
stale from sleep—that awful sour-cream 
smell—she would have to lick him all 
day! How could she ever get her disserta- 
tion done? 

“And ГЇЇ have hands,” Ignatz said 
quictly. 

“Of course you'll have hands,” Krazy 
said. Ignatz had always been so proud of 
his near-human-quality paw dexterity, 
his skill with his claws. He was even able 
to thread a needle! But paws, she saw, 
were as nothing. If she gave him hands, 
he would be able to be affectionate with 
her, stroking, unrushed. In this, she 
thought, I will please myself utterly. 
“You have beautiful hands, with long, 
thin, aristocratic fingers.” She felt them 
smoothing her black fur and purred 
lightly. Fantasy was fun. She hadn’t felt 
so nearly mingled with Ignatz since the 
bricks had started to hurt. Today they 
drank from the same cup. 

“Thank you,” Ignatz said softly, with 
the downcast eyes of a grateful suppli- 
cant. "And Pd like to have . . . to have a 
big... cock.” 

“What?” Large? Loud? Doodle-doo? 

“A big, you know, penis . . . a big 
cock.” 

“What? Why?” What carthly differ- 
ence did that make? Who would ever 
know? Oh, well, if it was something he 
wanted. But then she saw that Ignatz 
looked rounder to her, less like, a flat 
comic-strip character, morc like a human 
who bent the light around his shoulders. 
Ignatz must truly be telling her some- 
thing she wanted, too. Even if she hadn’t 
known she wanted it. Even if it wasn’t 
exactly nice. “Yes,” she said, as if from a 
trance, her own eyes downcast. 

“Thank you.” 

“Thank you,” she said. 

. 


Dr. Ignatz remembered the second 
time they had shaken hands, at the end 
of the first month’s sessions. She had 
held his hand longer than he expected. 
“You have lovely fingers,” she had said 
with unself-conscious appreciation. Her 
hand was soft, supple, not the almost 
rigid thing that had half grasped his at 
the beginning of their work together. 
“Thank you,” he had said. Her touch 
had made him feel mixed with her, fused 
for a moment. I am her doctor, he had 
thought, 1 should not feel this—even as he 
prolonged the press of her hand on his. 


Already, he had been bewitched by her. 
Her skin was dark, yet her hair was natu- 
rally blonde, and her broad checkboncs, 
bright almond eyes and full lips had 
something unplaceable about them, per- 
haps a surprising conjunction of many 
nationalities—her face a poem. A figure 
at a bazaar “Thank you,” she had 
replied, with that same openhearted- 
ness—and just enough irony so that nei- 
ther of them had to be embarrassed. 

He had gone back to his desk then to 
bring order to the month’s notes. Fifteen 
minutes till the next patient. He remem- 
bered that he had thought it had been a 
good beginning. A good hysteric! 


6/31/85. Catherine Higgs Bosun. 
(But she insists that her nickname, 
Kate, should have a K to it.) Twen- 
ty-six years old. Recommended to 
me by my supervisor 

The outlines of Kate’s problem 
are clear. Her work is a sham to her, 
for to be a woman, she thinks, is to 
be completely submissive to anoth- 
er's needs. So when Kate tries to do 
her own work, she fecls unwomanly, 
unlovable. But when she is with 
her husband, she feels utterly sub- 
servient, his “pet.” (So she and her 
husband have separate apartments. 
And she often has affairs. If she can 
be between two men, she feels pro- 
tected from her own desire to be 
possessed.) Caught in this web of 
prohibitions, she grows brittle, stiff, 
unable to have either satisfying love 
or work. 


. 

Soon after writing those first notes, 
Kate had trusted him enough to tell him 
her most cherished fantasy. A golden 
oldy, she said: She was on a raised plat- 
form, wearing only a felt collar. 

“A leather collar?” Dr. Ignatz said 
Her voice had dazed him. 

“All right. A beautiful Icather collar, 
like the ones pets wear.” Kate's voice, 
too, was drowsy. 

Wait, he shouldn’t be furnishing her 
fantasy! And sup’s internalized baritone 
said, Keep silent, Dr. Ignatz! 

Dr. Ignatz shivered. The air condi 
tioning. His body now was covered with 
sweat. Could this have been what his em- 
inent father figure, bow-ticd head of the 
Boston Psychoanalytic Institute’s ana- 
lysts, had wanted when he had referred 
Kate? No, of course not. 

. 

“No,” Krazy said, “that’s too fast; it’s 
going wo fast. I'm not ready for that 
yet.” 

“OK,” Ignatz said. 

Krazy heard the mouse’s anxiety me- 
lisma, and that quaver made her want to 
go on ever more quickly. Where was the 
cure Ignatz had promised her for her 
guilt-manacled limbs? Krazy wanted 


Kate to bea devil in nylon hose, to wear 
black-seamed stockings, the soft, silky 
kind that even Krazy's retracted claws 
would have ripped. But could Krazy 
even give advice? She and Ignatz were 
having the fantasy, but it was having 
them, too, taking them places they 
hadn't expected. Sometimes she didn't 
even know what she truly desired until 
the story showed her. 

. 

A hysteric, Dr. Ignatz had thought 
She needs to be seen, he thought. She di 
appears when she's alone. He looked 
over at her, lying on his couch. She 
wasn't wearing a bra and she had two 
buttons of her blouse open. He could sce 
the sides of her breasts and her nipples, 
stiff beneath the gray silk. Her long legs 
were crossed at the ankles. Then, as 
if she felt his eyes on her, she uncrossed 
her legs and raised her knees. Her soft 
blue skirt fell toward her waist, showing 
the tops of her stockings and her garters. 
He hadn't known that women still wore 
garters! His doodle-doo grew stiff. “Oh,” 
she said nonsensically, “I can bend my 
knees!” As if that needed to be proved! 
Really, she was justifying her self-expo- 
sure. She hummed, as she often did dur- 
ing her silences, snatches of long-ago 
popular songs, her motor idling content- 
edly. What were the words to the song? 
It was one his mother used to sing. His 
mother, too, had lovely legs, and Kate's 
flickery here-and-gone quality. “In olden 
days, a glimpse of stocking / Was looked 
on as something shocking / But now, 
God knows, / Anything goes!” I can 
name that tune in five notes, he thought, 
charmed by Kate’s irony. 

And then he thought, Fm fully 
clothed, and Fm watching her fantasy of 
herself naked. She’s teaching me how to 
unlock her. Could I make love to her? He 
saw his supervisor's wise face, the long 
doglike cars of age, the stern yet sorrow- 
ful eyes. Don't you want to be an analyst? 
the sup's gravel-and-ash voice would зау. 
This temporary infatuation could be the end 
of your career! Dr. Ignatz willed the wilt- 
ing of his cock. I’m not going to play the 
sap for her, he told himself. She’s making 
a rapid transference. A good hysteric. 
But it was already becoming a mantra. 
Agoodhysteric. Agoosteric. A goose A 
trick. He wanted to make himself feel as 
if he were reading about Kate, as if she 
were a diagram in a textbook. But the 
soft, sweet fecling, the desire to blend 
himself with her, £o feel truly connected, 
wouldn't go away. She remained warm, 
round, compelling. How could he prefer 
the flat theoretical blueprint of a house to 
а room that he could enter? 

. 

Kate picked up her hat from beside 
the tissue Бох on the small table by the 
couch, a round hat made from blue vel- 
vet, witha veil (continued on page 174) 


107 


== E == 


headroom's alter ego in the I-I-latest look-ahead I-I-looks 
fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


Opposite page: Matt Frewer in the I-I-leather of his choice—a lamb-suede bomber 
jacket, by Bill Kaiserman, $850; flannel shirt, $155, tweed slacks, $250, both 
by Mila Schon Uomo; socks, by Interwoven, $5; and shoes, from Joan & David, New 
York, $175. Above: Denim/leather jacket, $550, zip turtleneck with leather sleeve 
accents, $595, and leather slacks with leg zippers, $1725, all by Claude Montana. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MOSHE BRAKHA 


109 


Above: Frewer in a lambskin jacket, by Andrew Marc, $395; wool knit turtleneck, 
from Kenzo Boutique, New York, $392; and worsted-wool slacks, from Pianta by 
Lowell Barry, about $95. Right: The ultimate v-v-vroom—a leather motorcycle jacket, 
by Jerry Wong Couture, $475; cotton shirt, about $100, wool slacks, $135, and silk 
tie, $42, all by Olivier Strelli; plus boots, by Susan Bennis Warren Edwards, $495. 


ATT FREWER, 
dual star of ABC's hit 
series Max Headroom, 
sums up Max as 
“Edison Carter after 
several cocktails.” Al- 
though Max's char- 
acter is m-m-much 
looser than Edison’s, 
his approach to fash- 
ion is not. Carter аї- 
fects a sleek style that 
happens to be the 
h-h-hippest right now. 
Seasoned at London's 
Old Vic for his 20-min- 
utes-into-the-future 
stardom, Frewer 
is a here-and-now guy 
whose fashion state- 
ment is a hot one. 


КІШІ 


MEET KIMBERLEY CONRAD, 
VANCOUVERS MOST 
EXQUISITE EXPORT 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


HEN SHE СОТ OFF the plane from Vancouver, Canadian Kimberley Conrad had a little 
trouble at LAX. The problem wasn’t that she was carrying contraband—it was her 
outfit. That day, Kim had on leopard pants, bare-midriff blouse and silver pumps, 
and it took inspectors the better part of an hour to clear her through U.S. Customs. “I 
wouldn't have minded, but I was on my way to a huge party,” she says. “I couldn't 
wait.” When Customs asked the reason for her trip to America, Kim said, “Pleasure.” 


113 


114 


Dato tex or ona he flet or te 
just hissing, touching, being close. 1 love 

that. I love holding and hugging and kissing, 
and it sounds corny, but that’s how 1 feel.” 


hordy after her 

airport encounter 

with Customs, 

Kim made her 

American party 

debut—still at- 
tired in leopard pants, 
bustier blouse and silver 
hecls—and wowed the 
crowd. “Two men asked if 
they could buy my outfit 
right off my back,” she 
says. No dice, Miss Jan- 
чагу told prospective 
buyers. “But I appreciated 
the fhonghr" A lingerie 
fan, she even remembers 
what she had on under 
that costume, “A G string. 
And under the blouse, of 
course, no bra. You can't 
wear a bra with a getup 
like that.” Who would 
want to? “I feel sensuous 
in fine lingerie,” she says 
“I really think the key to 
being sexy is to think that 
way. I can be a flirt, but 
I'm very passionate by па- 
ture. In bed, I think about 
pleasing my man—if it 
pleases him, that pleases 
me.” When her partner 
“los 
almost the same thing. As 
a model, I try to please the 
camera. 1 think of sexy 


is a camera, she say: 


things—garter belts and 
French-lace bras. I think 
of shopping for lingerie at 
Neiman-Marcus or even 
Frederick’s—and_ wearing 
" Seduced yet? 


it later. 


ug 


“I feel privileged to be a Playmate, but I'm not 
letting it get lo my head. Гт going to enjoy what's 
happening to me. I'm in control of my own. 
destiny, and whatever it is, it’s going to be fun.” 


ancouver is my 

home, but I 

think of myself 

as a Canadian- 

American," 

says Miss Janu- 
ary. Born in Alabama 24 
years ago, a model Cana- 
dian since she was 17, Kim 
has a feline grace, high 
cheekbones and come-on 
eyes that have made hers 
the most recognized face 
in Vancouver, Now, she 
says, she wants to take on 
the States. As busy and 
beautiful as Vancouver 
is—not to mention home 
to her fave delicacy of all 
time, Earls burgers—it 
ain't America. “I love that 
city, but I had to come 
here. If you want to suc- 
ceed, this is where it’s at. 
Besides,” she says, “I like 
American men. I think 
they treat their women 
better. American men be- 
lieve more in a woman’s 
equality. They don’t have 
to be in charge all the 
time. They're free spir- 
its—that’s what I like 
about Americans. Don’t 
get me wrong—I like 
Canadian men, too, but 
when I think American, I 
think of a guy in tight 
jeans, who's well built 
and has a suntan—mmm, 
8 apprecia- 
tion of the American male 


nice.” Кї 


is sure to be returned. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


BIRTH DATE: Of, 
AMBITIONS: 


FAVORITE FOOD: 


E cu 


FAVORITE OUTFTTS:. Silk 3 satin » leather E Jace. 
. 38 ER г 


POTENT POTABLE: 
5 - е 
MYSTERY DATE: Lm in A Casino in Monte Carlo and 


cilm 


Mom (Betsy) 3 I Dia AI ШС 
Gronks Bourque having a bar becue, ot the 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


А: the truck driver came flying over the top of a 
steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path 
rolling around in the middle of the road. The 
driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but 
the couple continued their lovemaking, oblivious 
to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt 
barely three inches from the pair. “Are you 
crazy?" the driver shouted at them. “You could 
have been killed.” 

The man stood up and faced the driver. “Well, 
I was coming, she was coming and you were 
coming,” he panted, “and you were the only onc 
with brakes.” 


The Jewish people have observed their 5748th 
year as a people,” the Hebrew teacher informed 
his class. "Consider that the Chinese, for exam- 
ple, have only observed their 4685th. What does 
that mean to you?" 

After a reflective pause, one boy raised his 
hand. “Yes, David,” the teacher said. “What 
does that mean?” 

“That the Jews had to do without Chinese 
food for 1063 years.” 


Why did New York police take the 911 emergen- 
cy number off the back of their squad cars? Be- 
cause thieves kept stealing them, thinking they 
were Porsches. 


Afer his legs had been broken in an accident, 
Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he 
was crippled and would have to spend the rest of 
his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance- 
company doctor testified that his bones had 
healed properly and that he was fully capable of 
walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and 
awarded him $500,000. 

When he was wheeled into the insurance-com- 
pany office to collect his check, Miller was con- 
fronted by several executives. “You're not getting 
away with this, Miller,” one said. "We're going 
to watch you day and night. If you take a single 
step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand 
trial for perjury. Here’s the money. What do you 
intend to do with it?” 

“My wife and I are going to travel,” Miller 
replied. “We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, 
Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes— 
where, gentlemen, you'll sce yourselves onc hell 
of a miracle.” 


ist prepared his patient for examina- 
zed the nurse and asked her to 
him a light. A moment later, she came into 
the room and handed him a beer. 

“No, Miss Collins,” the doctor hissed. “A butt 
light.” 


What do Gary Hart and the Boston Celtics have 
in common? If they had played at home, they 
would have won. 


Two friends were out drinking when suddenly 
one lurched backward off his barstool and lay 
motionless on the floor. 

“One thing about Jim,” the other said to the 
bartender, “he knows when to stop.” 


In his usual brutish way, the chief bo'sun's mate 
was bullying the men assigned to paint the ship. 
Shouting down at the sailors suspended over the 
side, the unrelenting seaman yelled, “Hall, you 
paint like I fuck.” 

"Is that so, sir?" Hall replied, looking up. 
“Did I get it on my face?” 


Philosophical graffito spotted in the bathroom of 
a sex-change Clinic: WE May NEVER PISS THIS WAY 
AGAIN, 


А Chicago salesman was about to check into a 
St. Louis hotel when he noticed a very charming 
woman staring admiringly at him. He walked 
over and spoke with her for a few minutes, then 
returned to the front desk, where they checked in 
as Mr. and Mrs. 

After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the 
man metall the front desk and told the clerk 
he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was 
handed a bill for $2500. 

“There must be some mistake,” the salesman 
said. "I've been here for only three days.” 

“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied. “But your wife 
has been here a month.” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ш. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 


whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


125 


“Make haste, girls—something wonderful has happened to Mr. Scrooge!” 


THE 
CURSE 


© By Andre Dubus 


ser MITCHELL HAYES was 49 years old, but 
wer WX P= When the cops left him in the bar with 

4 Bob, the manager, he felt much older. He 
did not know what it was like to be very 
old, a shrunken and wrinkled man, but 
he assumed it was like this: fatigue be- 
yond relieving by rest, by sleep. He also 
was not a small man. His weight moved 
up and down in the 170s, and he was 
5'10" tall. But now his body seemed 
short and thin. Bob stood at one end of 
the bar; he was a large, black-haired 
man, and there was nothing in front of 
him but an ashtray he was using. He 
looked at Mitchell at the cash register 
and said, "Forget it. You heard what 
Smitty said." 

Mitchell looked away, at the front 
door. He had put the chairs upside down. 
on the tables. He looked from the door 
past Boh ta the empty space of floor at 
= the rear; sometimes people danced there, 

Boo jukebox. Opposite Bob, on the 
wall behind the bar, was a telephone; 
Mitchell looked at it. He had told Smitty 
there were five guys, and when he moved 
to the phone, one of them stepped 
around the corner of the bar and shoved 


and it pushed him backward; he nearly 
fell. That was when they were getting 
rough with her at the bar. When they 
took her to the floor, Mitchell looked 
| once toward her sounds, then looked 
down at the duckboard he stood on, or at 
the belly or (continued on page 179) 


there were 
five of them, 


and she didn’t 


have a chance. 


nor did mitchell т 


ILLUSTRATION BY PHYLLIS BRANSON 


PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE 
BASKETBALL 


PREVIEW 


our pre-season picks for the top teams and players 
in the country’s great home-grown sport 


5 THERE a more democratic game in 
America than basketball? All you 
need is a piece of flat ground, an 
iron hoop, a roundball and kids 
with energy to burn. Alone, one on 
опе, full court, half court, day or 
night, in a gym or at а basket hang- 

ing un dhe side of a barn, fice throws are 

madc and missed, jump shots hang ago- 
nizingly on the rim and imaginary na- 
tional championships are decided. 

Ifa kid can slide the ball between his 
legs on the dribble at full speed, hit a 20- 
foot jump shot with regularity, go to the 
basket with strength and get a combined 
700 score on his S.A.T.s, he can find a 
place to play on the college scene. And 
these days, the kid might be from Beirut, 
Lebanon, as well as from Lebanon, Indi- 
ana, as coaches spread their recruiting 
nets to cover the world. 

College basketball survives drugs, 
slimy agents, fixes, rule changes, greed 
and all the hype that the likes of Al 
McGuire and Dick Vitale can muster. It 
thrives because its youth and skill and 
passion are so obvious and because the 
game is intensely competitive, regularly 
allowing the underdog to win. After all, 
what major sporting events live up to €x- 
pectations as often as the N 
season tournament and the 

We've broadened our coverage of the 
college basketball scene to include all Di- 
vision I conferences. Even though the su- 
perpowers will be battling it out as usual 
for the trip to the Final Four showdown 
in Kansas City in April, there is always 
the chance that a less well-known school, 
such as New Orleans or Xavier, could 
hang in and, like the unlikely Hickory 
Huskers in the movie Hoosiers, win it all. 


sports by GARY COLE 


with research by NANCY MOUNT 


AMERICAN SOUTH. 


The new American South Athletic 
Conference promises to be one of the 
most competitive in basketball among 
the small-school Division I groupings. 
The premiere team in the conference is 
New Orleans, which also has one of the 
best guards in the nation, Ledell Eack 
les. Eackles and the Privateers went 26-4 
last season, getting to the second round 
of the N.C.A-A. tournament before being 
beaten by Alabama. Only the lack of a 
proven big man in the middle stands be- 
tween New Orleans and a top-20 ranking. 


PLAYBOY'S TOP25 


l.Michigan 15. Nevado- 

2. Syracuse Las Vegas 

3. North 16. Kansas 
Carolina 17. DePaul 

4.Pittsburgh 18. lowa 

5. Purdue 19. Louisville 

6. Indiana 20. North 

7, Duke Corolina State 


8. Georgetown 21. Clemson 


9. Oklahoma 22. Louisiana 
10. Florida State 
11. Kentucky 23. UCLA 
12.Wyoming 24. Georgia Tech 
13. Arizona. 25. Auburn 
14. Missouri 


LONG SHOTS 
St. John's, New Orleans, Temple, 
West Virginia, Georgio, Arkansas, 
Xavier, Illinois, Notre Dame. 


For a complete conference-by-conference 
listing of the final standings, see page 202. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAUL GREMMLER 


Louisiana Tech also had a good season 
(22-8) last year. Three starters return, 
but not four-ycar team leader Robert 
Godbolt. Lamar, led by forward James 
Gulley (19.8 points per game), will try to 
rebound from its first losing season 
(14-15) in the past ten years. Arkansas 
State renis only forward John Tate 
(15.7 p.p.g.) but gets help from forward 
Ed Louden, redshirted last year. South- 
western Louisiana returns Randal Smith, 
one of three Division I players (includ- 
ing Dennis Hopson of Ohio State and 
Hunter Greene of New Mexico) to have 
500 points, 200 rebounds and 100 assists 
last year. Pan American will try to build 
its offense around guard Kevin Johnson. 


ATLANTIC COAST 


1t looks like a four-horse race in the 
basketball-rich Atlantic Coast Confer- 
ence. Perennial power North Carolina, 
always competitive Duke, 1986-1987 
A.C.C. champ North Carolina State and 
resurgent Georgia Tech will try to kecp. 
something in reserve until they go to the 
A.C.C. tournament the second weekend 
in March. 

For a change, North Carolina may 
finish stronger than it begins. The dean 
of basketball coaches, Dean Smith, has 
sparkling sophomore J. R. Reid and 
deadly outside shooter Jeff Lebo back. 
But the absence of Kenny Smith and 
Dave Popson will cause problems until 
some younger Tar Heel players mature 

Duke has been close to the gold ring 
two years in a row: the Final Four in 
1986, the Final 16 in 1987. Goach K 
(Mike Krzyzewski) will have the Blue 
Devils ready to play their usual aggressive 
man-to-man defense, and Playboy All- 
America Danny Ferry (14 p.p.) can 


129 


Eric Leckner Shon Morris 
center forward 
i Anson Mount Scholar/ Athlete 
Northwestern 


Ricky Berry 
forward 
San Jose State 


Danny Ferry 
forward 


Rony Seikaly ш, Danny Manning € 
center 2 » ч forward 
ж. > 
Derrick Chievous 


guard/forward 
Missouri 


- 
PHOTOGRAPH v. BY RICHARDIFEGLEY 


182 


THE PLAYBOY ALL-AMERICAS 


ROD STRICKLAND — Guard, 6'3", junior, DePaul. Hot Rod is a great penetro- 
tor ond open-floor player. He averaged 16.3 points and 6.5 assists per game 
for the Blue Demons last season. 


HERSEY HAWKINS — Guard, 6'3", senior, Bradley. The Hawk is the nations 
leading returning scorer (27.2 paints per game) and was Missouri Valley Con- 
ference Player of the Year last season. 


GARY GRANT — Guord, 6'3", senior, Michigan. The General was All-Big Ten 
while leading the Wolverines in scoring (22.4 points рег game), steals ond 
assists. 

RICKY BERRY — Guord, 6'8", senior, Son Jose State. Ricky con play oll five 
positions on the floor but will see most af his action at guard this year. He 
eo) 20.2 points per game and was 32 out of 78 from three-point range 
last season. 


DERRICK CHIEVOUS —Forward, 6'7”, senior, Missouri. Known as Band-Aid by 
his teammates for his habit of wearing Band-Aids on different ports af his 
body. Derrick led the Big Eight in scoring, averoging 24.1 points and 8.6 re- 
bounds per game. 


DANNY FERRY —Forword, 6'10", junior, Duke. Danny led Duke in scoring (14 
points per game), rebounds, assists and led the Atlantic Coast Conference in 
free-throw percentage (84.4). 


CHARLES SMITH — Forword, 6'10", senior, Pittsburgh. Charles con post up or 
face the basket. He averaged 17 points and 8.5 rebounds and was one of the 
top shot blockers (106) in the country last season. 


DANNY MANNING — Forward, 6'11", senior, Kansas. Danny, Big Eight Player of 
the Year, resisted the temptation of an early departure for the N.B.A. He aver- 
aged 23.9 points and 9.5 rebounds per game for the Jayhawks lost season 
and is probably the best all-raund college player in the country. 


ERIC LECKNER — Center, 611", senior, Wyoming. Eric is one of the strongest 
inside players in the college ranks. He averaged 18.6 points and 7.2 rebaunds 
last season, 


RONY SEIKALY —Center, 6'11", senior, Syracuse. Born in Beirut, Lebanon, Rony 
went to Greece at the age of nine and come to America just before he entered 
Syracuse University. An outstanding athlete, he had never played organized 
basketball until recruited by coach Jim Boeheim, who maintains that his best 
basketball years are still ahead af him. Rony averaged 15.1 points and B.2 
rebounds per game last season. 

Playboy's college basketball Coach of the Year is DALE BROWN of Louisiana 
State University. Brown, the high priest of positive thinking, is 281—167 in his 15 
years at LSU. Mast impressive is Brown’s post-season record: nine consecutive 
post-season appearances (two in the N.LT, seven in the NCAA, including 
two in the Final Four). 


REST OF THE BEST 


GUARDS: Ledell Eackles, 6:5" (New Orleans); Jeff Lebo, 6'2" (North Carolina]; 
Sherman Douglas, 6' (Syracuse); Mitch Richmond, 6:5” (Kansas State); Troy 
Lewis, 6'4" (Purdue); Keith Smart, 6'1" (Indiana); Byron Larkin, 6'3” (Xavier); 
Jerome “Pooh” Richardson, 6'1” (UCLA); Anthony Taylor, 6'4" (Oregon); Ver- 
non Maxwell, 64" (Florida); Rex Chapman, 6'4" (Kentucky); Willie Anderson, 
67" (Georgia); David Rivers, 6’ (Notre Dame) 

FORWARDS: Tom Hammonds, 6'9" (Georgia Tech); Derrick Lewis, 6'7" (Mary- 
land); Jerome Lane, 6'6" (Pittsburgh); Derrick Coleman, 6'9" (Syracuse); Shel- 
ton Jones, 6:9" (St. John's); Harvey Grant, 6'9" (Oklahoma); Jeff Grayer, 6'5" 
(lowa State); Herbert Crook, 6:7" (Lauisville); Sean Elliott, 6'8" (Arizono); Fen- 
nis Dembo, 6:5" (Wyoming); Michael Smith, 6'9" (Brigham Young) 

CENTERS: J. R. Reid, 6'9" (North Carolina); Charles Shacklefard, 6°10" (North 
Carolina State); Dean Garrett, 6'10” (Indiana); Rik Smits, 7'4" (Marist); Pervis 
Ellison, 6'9" (Louisville; Dwayne Schintzius, 7'2" (Florida); Will Perdue, 7” 
(Vanderbilt); Tito Horford, 7:1: (Miami) 


shoot, rebound and lead. The key for 
Duke, however, is probably sophomore 
guard Phil Henderson, held out part of 
last year because he didn't meet Duke's 
academic standards. 

A.C.C. tournament winner North Car- 
olina State returns four players who con- 
tributed a lot last season. Coach Jim 
Valvano, one of college coaching's most 
lovable characters, doesn’t care about 
over-all records, always peaking his team 
at post-season play time. The Wolfpack 
will be ready come March. 

Georgia Tech should improve sig- 
nificantly on last season’s 16-13 record. 
Coach Bobby Cremins has two excellent 
forwards in Duane Ferrell (17.9 p.p.g.) 
and Tom Hammonds (16.2 p.p.g.). Bet- 
ter guard play, a stronger bench and 
more games scheduled at home should 
put Tech in contention in the A.C.C. 

Glemson had a good recruiting year, 
and guard Grayson Marshall, who will 
probably become the A.C.C.'s all-time 
assist leader, is back. The Tigers, howev- 
er, will miss team leader and scorer Hor- 
ace Grant, who is headed for the N.B.A. 

At Maryland, the theme is “Don’t 
look back”: Don’t look back to the 
tragedy of Len Bias, the superbly talent- 
ed all-American forward who died of a 
cocaine reaction, and don’t look back to 
the Lefty Driesell era, which ended with 
the Bias scandal. Coach Bob Wade, 
brought in to replace Driesell, guided the 
team through suspended games, sus- 
pended players and a 0-14 conference 
record last year. Wade, always a winner 
at Baltimore’s Dunbar High School, will 
not be content to nurse the Terps 
through another losing scason. Mary- 
land will again find its winning ways 

Virginia may have lost a step in the 
A.C. due to the departure of team 
leaders Andrew Kennedy and Tom Shee- 
hey. Terry Holland, the winningest 
coach in Virginia history, must find the 
right combination of front-line talent in 
order for the Cavaliers to compete. 

Wake Forest, upset winner over Clem- 
son in the first round of last year’s 
A.C.C. tournament, must find a floor 
leader to replace the tiny (5'3") but tal- 
ented Tyrone Bogues. 


ATLANTIC TEN 


Temple coach John Chaney is 2 
workaholic. He prods, pushes and occa- 
sionally curses his players. He regularly 
holds practice at six aM. And in just five 
years, he has returned Temple to nation- 
al basketball prominence. Last season, 
the Owls were 32-4. Four starters from 
that team return, though all-American 
Nate Blackwell is gone. Freshman Mark 
Macon will try to fill the void. Temple 
should again be the team to beat in the 
Atlantic Ten. 

Four of West Virginia’s first seven 
players have (continued on page 200) 


“Oh, well, I suppose it’s the thought that counts.” 


THE (HURRAH!) RETURN OF THE 


MINISKIRT 


essay By BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN 


тмізкірте. The ultimate treat for men. No need to devise clever strategies for peeking 
at panties and possibly throwing out your back. Miniskirts make that unnecessary. 
And women are trotting around in them, proving that they do like men after all and are 
interested in more than just their fair share of the market place. 

A woman in a mini is not just saying, “Come over and hop right on.” That’s what 
caused all the trouble the last time around. Men would see those little skirts and say, “Goddamn it, she’s 
asking for it." And sometimes she was. But not always. Inside some of those miniskirts were the proud 
and curvy little bods of feminists upset that they couldn’t wear a teeny skirt without sending out the 
wrong signal. So the mini was taken away for a few decades, forcing men to consider their behavior. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


owever, it’s back 
now, though with 
the clear under- 
standing thatjust 
because a woman has onc 
on doesn't mean she wants 
to take it right off. She may 
want to keep it on for a 
while. She may have just 
bought the damned thing. 

And even though she’s 
wearing this little wisp of a 
garment and is just about 
exposing the entire pack- 
age, it does not mean she 
is ready for action. She 
may be considering the 
proper stance for America 
in the Persian Gulf—and, 
at the same time, airing 
out her legs a little. Men 
didn’t understand that on 
the first go-around, but 
they sort of do now. 

Some of the new minis 
seem — begrudging and 
tightly bound, forcing 
their owners into a duck- 
like waddle that only a 
small group of sophisti- 
cates will enjoy. 

But most of them re- 
main short, shorter and 
Where Did That Sucker 
Go? Who looks good in 
them? Surprisingly, not 
many. If you're talking 
pert-and-saucy Mary 
Hart, fine; but а flimsy on 
Dianc Sawyer would under- 
cut her serious approach 
to world affairs. A mini on 
Raisa Gorbachev comes 
ӘТ as a cheap glasnost 
ploy. And for God’s sake, 
keep Margaret Thatcher 
in something sensible. 


inis look best 
on distant, 
anonymous 
women with 
coltlike legs, slipping 
through the night to sip 
imported beers with in- 
vestment bankers. 

Also attractive in minis: 

+ Undercover decoy cops. 

* Candidates’ daughters. 

* First novelists. 

+ Old broads who hung 
around with Papa in Paris 
and always knew that the 
legs were the last to go. 

«Female characters in 
minimalist fiction. Joyous 
when they first come bar- 
reling out, these heartland 
honeys can be counted on 
to have an attack of K 
mart angst, vomit on their 
minis and wind up sitting 
in a pickup, waiting for the 
geese to fly over. 

+ Anyone’s girlfriend ex- 
cept yours. You've seen 
Joanie's legs. You see them 
all the time. It’s other 
folks’ legs you want to see. 

+ Muammar el-Qaddafi. 
(According to the late CIA 
bigwig Bill Casey. But 
didn't Qaddaf's people 
spread the same story 
about old Case?) 

Which leads, somewhat 
circuitously, to the essen- 
tial question: Why now? 
Why not wait till the un- 
pleasantness blows over? 
Who needs to sec hot legs 
and a promise of much, 
much more when it’s best 
to keep sex on the back 


burner for a while? 


139 


cople of every 
persuasion can 
agree that this is 
a dangerous time 
to reintroduce a new sex 
toy. But since when do big 
bucks have a conscience? 
An abbreviated skirt car- 
ries the same price tag as 
an honest one and uses on- 
ly one third the fabric. The 
rest is profit for the mini 
moguls. If working moms 
have to go around with ex- 
posed tushes . . . if two out 
of three skirt guys are 
forced to either sit on the 
side lines or take low-pay- 
ing service jobs . . . if the 
Japanese once again come 
ош on top . . . well, that’s 
showbiz. 
Mcanwhile, the minis 
are back, so enjoy them 


while you can, or at least 


don't let the Surgeon Gen- 


eral's face interfere with 


your pleasure. After all, 


you're only looking. Sure, 
there are studies that say 
that’s worse than a hands- 
on approach, bur so what? 
There are always studies, 
and the results are far 
from conclusive. 

Get off on those tiny 
skirts. The mini, with its 
basic rip-off attitude to- 
ward the consumer, may 
be the last gasp of the 
what’s-in-it-for-me? years. 

After that, it’s honest 
skirts and America goes 


back to work. 


142 


PANIC IN 
THE 
SHEETS 


article by 


MICHAEL 
CRICHTON 


the 
author of 
the andromeda strain 
argues that the way 
we look at aids 
is the way we look 
at ourselves 


HE ENGAGEMENT 
breaks up, the ring is returned, the 
relationship of three years comes 
to a close: tears, slamming doors, 
packing clothes, And then, unex- 
pectedly, I’m on my own again; 
and unbidden comes the thought 
It's not a good time to be playing 
the field. I see my friend David at 
the gym. We ride the stationary 
bikes side by side. 

“How’s it going with Beth?” he 
asks. 

“We broke up last week.” 

“Jeez, l'm sorry. Is it really 
over?” 

“Yeah. She moved out, David.” 

“Jeez. So, are you single again?” 

“Yeah, single man, playing the 
field.” 

I am 44 and an unattached 
bachelor, something 1 never imag- 
ined would happen, David shakes 
his head and says, “Not a good 
time to be playing the field.” 

On a business trip to New York, 
I have a date. My first date in 
three (continued on page 181) 


ILLUSTRATION BY WILL NORTHERNER 


PROVOCATIVE PERIOD PIECES 


Here's а pocket watch that makes time as well as keeps it. Created circa 1870, this French ticker conceals in its escopement a 
movable feast: a ménage à trois whose heady participants actually thrust and gyrate with the march of time. The second watch 
(inset)began making the rounds in London during the 1890s. A revolving disc on its underside provides a peep show of five nudes. 


PLAYBOY invites you to yet another ex- 
clusive showing of the antique-erotica 
collection of Boston dealer Charles 
Martignette. This is the fifth time 
since 1980 that we've sifted through 
this eclectic collection to highlight 
rare, titillating artworks that span 
centuries of arched eyebrows. As be- 
fore, we've culled a significant sam- 
pling of delightfully whimsical and 
provocative relics. To date, Mar- 
tignette has excavated more than 


3500 artifacts—arguably the world’s 
largest assemblage of materials that 
celebrate human sexuality, as ex- 
pressed in the most giddy forms of 
crafismanship imaginable. Many of 
these treasures were recovered from 
the now-defunct International Muse- 
um of Erotic Art in San Francisco, 
while others turned up in flea markets 
and musty antique shops. They in- 
clude three-dimensional art-deco and 
-nouveau objets and everyday items, 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


such as those displayed here, along 
with a full complement of French 
postcards, vintage nude photographs 
and the notorious eight-page cartoon 
booklets once known as Tijuana 
Bibles. Martignette’s collection also 
includes original pinup and popular- 
magazine art (he has recently pro- 
cured 101 original Alberto Vargas 
canvases), and conservative estimates 
would fix the total value of his acqui- 
sitions at more than $25,000,000. (For 


Get to the bottom of this 1915 bronze American poperweight. This carved Charlie McCarthy facsimile drops three legs on сие. 


Historical histrionics: A sybaritic satyr frolics with two comely wood sprites in this Sixth Century Greek terra-cotta plaque, valued at 
$6500. Meanwhile, the bronze Roman ornament (above right), forged 12 s.c., captures lovers entwined in a forum quorum of 69. 


PROVOCATIVE 
PERIOD 
PIECES 


an extended viewing of the Mar- 
tignette trove, watch for an upcoming 
feature on the Playboy Channel’s 
Sexcetera . . . the News According to 
Playboy.) 

What especially piques him, he 
stresses, is the fact that artisans of ev- 
ery social stratum have dallied, at 
some point, in erotic themes—even if 
it meant subtly injecting innuendo 
into ostensibly benign works. The 
pieces pictured on this page, for in- 
stance, each represent classic exam- 
ples of how wily craftsmen playfully 
conceal their hide-and-go-peek comic 
payoffs. Martignette claims to have 
seen 100 clam-shaped candy dishes 
like the one above, but none with com- 
parably vivid image reproduction, 
which is why this one has a cur- 
rent market value of roughly $2500. 

There is irony, perhaps, in the no- 


The hidden jokes in many pieces give collectars something ta flip over. This Victorian 
candy dish, circa 1890, was a popular carnival prize that concealed acarnal poy-aff. 
The fair lady's arms, inverted, become a surreptitious confection of very naughty bits. 


Skaters waltz and break the ice all at once in a slippery scenario on this reversible 
branze English ashtray, circa 1900. Below, the bisque Fraulein searches her décalletage 
for a flea that has cheekily alighted elsewhere. This came from Germany circa 1890. 


The idea here was to fan the flames of nuptial nooky. Ornate rice-paper fans such as this sarong number, fashioned around 1850, 
were given to brides, according to Chinese custom, as visual wedding-night primers. These various shake-that-shunga lovemaking 
positions, depicted in delicate hand-painted water colors, were fo aid the foo-young at heart. They were hungry a half hour later. 


A Twenties pocket mirror reflected execu- 
tive pluck. The lady helps him get it up. 


tion of a native Bostonian’s amassing 
such a large collection of erotic art. 
The incongruity is not lost on Mar- 
tignette: “It is interesting that this 
particular collection was spawned 
in the cradle of American conserva- 
tism,” he chuckles. “In fact, all of my 


Cryptic humor crept into this wooden American folk-art coffin, carved in 1905. The 
hopeful surprise message belies the prick of death: You can't keep a good man down. 


earliest pieces were acquired in the 
greater Boston area. In those days, 
when I visited antique stores to ask 
about erotica, I would encounter a lot 
of blushing and wrinkled foreheads. 
Some dealers threw tomatoes at me.” 
While several curators are discussing 


plans to mount retrospectives of the 
collection, the bulk of Martignette’s 
treasures are safely squirreled away 
in bank vaults. “My dream,” he 
says, “is to open a Museum of Love 
and Romance.” May we suggest a 
theme park—complete with rides? 


SN S 


117, Susan Dey began her acting ca- 

reer as Laurie, the older daughter in 
“The Partridge Family.” Now, half her life 
later, divorced, the mother of an eight-year- 
old daughter, the actress has traded in that 
wholesome-girl-next-door image for some- 
thing a little more down lo carth in the 
NBC-TV hit “L.A. Law." She plays deputy 
D.A. Grace Van Owen, prosecuting crimi- 
nals in the courtroom and cavorling with 
co-star Harry Hamlin їп the bedroom 
Free-lance writer Dick Lochte caught up 
with Dey at a Hollywood restaurant 
“There'd been a couple of recent magazine 
articles depicting her as a depressed, melan- 
choly neurotic,” Lochte says. “They didn't 
Jibe with the upbeat, energetic, tanned 
blonde who strode purposefully across the 
floor and flopped onto a chair. Introduc- 
tions over, she lighted an unfiltered cig- 
aretle, causing some guy at the next table to 
complain loudly to the waiter. The waiter 
explained that this was, after all, the smok- 
ing area. And as the guy huffed away in 
search of rarer air, Susan called after him 
cheerily, "Try "em. You'll like “ет. Really. 


1. 


pavor: It’s hard to believe you're the 
Susan Dey we've been reading about. 
SWIIY SUSAN DEY SAYS... (TM AFRALDOF EVERY: 
Y SUSAN DEV: HOLLYWOOD ALMOST 
Are we catching you on a 
y good day? 
to the woman who wrote the 
“AFRAID OF EVERYTHING" article. She said, 
“Do you hate me?” I said, “No, I don’t 
hate you. I hated the article, though. But 
I don't hate you." And she said, “I'm so 
glad you didn't take it personally.” I told 
her I realized she was in business to sell 
magazines. I 


ШАЛ ее 
deyda лоот 
makes а case hing ме wire 
forsmoking and ИКЕ 
rudeness and 

Confesses a 

preference for 

the older man 


take risks, and 1 


said that I felt. it 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY CYNTHIA MOORE 


was better if you 
do take risks and 
are afraid. 

The other one, 
LYWOOD AL. 


Most 
was this conversa- 
tion about my ano- 
rexic days, when I 


2 0 


was 17. Twenty minutes out of a three- 
hour interview. At one point, the inter- 
viewer said, “I guess you could say 
Hollywood almost killed you." And I 
laughed and said, “I don't think so. I 


never even went to a hospital. But I sup- 
pose vou could say that." And they did. 


2 


rrayboy: Grace Van Owen has been de- 
scribed as driven, uptight and a control 
freak, yet millions of men seem to be ter- 
ribly attracted to her. Why? 

Dev: It’s the suits. That's what a man 
told me on an airplane, He said, “I want 
you to know the only reason I watch that 
show is the suits.” 

seriously, I think it’s terribly exciting 
to see a woman who is so independent 
and so powerful and yet sexual and sen- 
suous at the same And vulnerable. 
You do sce Grace’s vulnerability. Until 
recently, television viewers never really 
had an opportunity to see that kind of 
woman. 


35 


PLAYBOY: Are there parts of Grace’s char- 
acter you'd like to acquire yourself? 

bey: I would love to be ruder. I would 
love to feel OK about being rude. 


4. 


тілугоу: Before that happens, lets talk a 
little about your past. Specifically, how 
does a shy teenager from Mount Kisco, 
New York, become a successful model? 
pey: I was—shy is not the word. Any 
time I could perform, I was performing 
My parents would have people over. My 
sister and brother would hide in their 
rooms. Not me. I was right up front. 

If there was any shyness, it was in 
terms of “Who am I?” E knew there was 
а world out there—beyond Mount 


Kisco—but | didn't have any sense of 
what it could be. I remember, I had just 
turned 15, and I talked to my stepmother 


abou I told her I didn't know what I 
wanted to do that summer, but I felt th 
need to see what was going on. And she 
told me she had sent my photograph to a 
modeling agency in Manhattan. I was 
horrified at first. But that’s how it all 
happened. My stepmother took me to 
the agency. They told me to lose five 
pounds and come back in the summer. lt 
was that simple. 


5 


rtaynoy; Was it everything Brooke 
Shields makes us think it is—dining with 


3 i N 


Scavullo and flying down to Rio to do a 
fashion shoot? 

pey: More so then than now. I under- 
stand things are really tight now. But I 
guess it goes both ways. We would 
change behind rocks in Central Park; 
now they have to have Winnehagos. But 
some of it used to be absolutely wonder- 
ful. All of a sudden, they would call and 


say, “You're going to Puerto Rico. You're. 
going to St. Croix.” 


6. 


eLavgoy: Did you become one of the more 
sophisticated 15-year-old models? 

DEY: I wouldn't say that. Pd never stayed 
in hotels before. I wasn’t used to maid 
service, and it was in St. Croix, I think, 
that Pd get up and make the bed every 
morning. That's how sophisticated 1 
was. 


e 


PLAYBOY: When you became part of The 
Partridge Family, did you find Hollywood 
fun, confusing, weird? What were your 
impressions? 

DEY: Everyone worked very hard. The 
show was an immediate hit. The timing 
was absolutely perfect. I loved the work. 
The publicity was something entirely 
different. This was the time of the teen 
fan magazines. They published whatever 
they wanted to. No matter how often I 
would say that I didn't do my own 
singing on the show, they convinced 
s that I did. Just the other day, I 
talking to an extra on our show and I 
happened to mention that it was not me 
singing, and he was furious. 

Those fan magazines kept images 
alive. When I first came out, 1 remeni- 
ber, there was all this talk about Bobby 
Sherman, Bobby Sherman, Bobby Sher- 

an. 1 finally had to ask someone, 
“Who's Bobby Sherman?” Га come 
from New York. Га come from a high 
school where we'd had a sit-in because of 
Cambodia. I knew about the Beatles, Ed 
Sullivan. Mia Farrow, even. But, forgive 
me, I didn't know who Bobby Sherman 
was 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Not that we're suggesting that 

Hollywood was the reason, but didn't 

you become anorexic about then? 

DEY: I was a true anorexic-bulimic. But I 

idn't know it. At the time, the illness 

was unknown. To mc, it was a new diet. 
As to why (continued on page 177) 


149 


150 


RUSSKI 


WENTY-FIVE years ago, when I was 

arrested by the Soviet secret 

police, I got а firsthand look at 

whatever you'd call the opposite of 

glasnost. Maybe that's why, to me, 
the Gorbachev regime is an enormously 
exciting, hopeful thing. (Sure, 1 was 
guilty —but of what, really?) 

This is not your standard column on 
personal finance. But personal finance is 
about nothing more (ar less) than trying 
to ensure personal economic security, 
and few things have more bearing on 
yours than our relations with the Soviet 
Union. At one extreme, we all turn to 
radioactive cinders (try to get your bro- 
ker on the phone then). At the other, it’s 
possible to envision a far more prosper- 
ous world. If half our military outlays 
could be diverted to productive invest 
ments, there would be an incredible 
stimulus to world economic growth. 
Both sides could still easily destroy the 
world. But when the pic is growing, 
there's less fighting over how to split it 
up, so they might not have to. 

We are so used to dismissing such 
thoughts as naive that when the opportu- 
nity comes along to make progress—as 
it seems to have come along with Gor- 
bachev—there's the chance we'll miss it. 
(WASHINGTON, august 21—A United Na- 
tionsconferenceon disarmament and cco- 
nomicdevelopment will open in New York 
оп Monday without the participation of 
the United States, which is boycotting 
the meeting. The conference is to examine 
how money saved under future disarma- 
ment agreements could be used to stimu- 
late economic development, particularly 
in the Third World.” All our NATO al- 
lies and all the Warsaw Pact countries 
were among the 128 nations that had 
signed up as of this New York Times г 
port, but you wouldn't catch us partici- 
pating in the dialog. We're too smart.) 

But more of this later. Right now, I am 
16, soon to be a senior in high school, on 
a three-month American Friends Service 
Committee tour behind the Iron Cur- 
tain. І am learning how it’s possible for 
good people with high ideals to become 
bitter enemies. There are the Americans 


article 


By ANDREW TOBIAS 


“T guess, at heart, 
even then, I was a 
capitalist. The 
dirty little secret 
of communism, 


if you ask me, is 
that everyhody, 
at heart, is 
a capitalist.” 


and the Sovicts, of course (this was just 
months after the Cuban Missile Crisis); 
but also, locked in equally tense psycho- 
logical combat, the adult leaders of our 
group. 

It had started peacefully enough— 
though even the early stages of the trip 
were not without drama. Three hours in- 
to it, on a KLM DC-7 from Idlewild Air- 
port (soon to be renamed Kennedy), the 
engine directly outside my window 
caught fire, I had been watching as a 
drip... drip . . . drip of black fuel had 
gradually become a drip-drip-drip and 
then a steady stream—should a 16-ycar- 
old ring for the stewardess to instruct the 
pilot to abort the flight?—when it finally 
caught fire and was shut off. My first 
photograph is of the clouds below, the far 
propeller a blurry circle and my own 
propeller so still you can read its serial 


BUSINESS 


number. We turned back to New York, 
boarded a later flight—one of those new- 
fangled jets this time—and arrived in 
Amsterdam 30 minutes early 

It was hard to decide whether our hav- 
ing arrived carly in this manner should 
be taken as an auspicious or an inauspi- 
cious sign. But there was no rush апу. 
way, as it turned out, because the two 
VW buses that had been arranged for 
our three-month camping trip were 
nowhere to be found. We spent the extra 
week in Amsterdam getting to know one 
another—easy to do when you're living 
in pup tents. 

Our leaders were a middle-aged 
Quaker couple who spoke no Russian 
and “Chrysanthemum” (not her real 
genus), a woman of about 30, with curly 
dark hair and a slight eastern European 
accent. They were responsible for 20 of 
us 16- and 17-year-olds (who also spoke 
no Russian, except me, who spoke a lit- 
tle), the two VW buses and enough 
peanut butter to last us, when smeared 
‘on local black bread, all the way from 
Amsterdam through Bavaria to Prague 
to Kiev to Moscow 10 Leningrad to 
Warsaw to—I think we ran out of peanut 
butter somewhere in Poland 

The Quakers, being Quakers, were 
morally conservative. Momma Bear, as 
we called her, was an earth mother it was 
hard not to love; Poppa Bear was a pill: 
neither of them thought 16- and 17-year- 
olds should be drinking or smoking or 
many of the other -ings some of the more 
precocious ten males and ten females in 
our group were guilty of —though by to- 
day's standards, it was all quite tame. 

Chrysanthemum was not wild about 
some of our -ings, either, but neither was 
she wild about the Quakers. The three 
had been thrown together in this endeay- 
ог by sponsors who apparently had not 
taken the trouble to define who, exactly, 
was in charge. After all, this was sup- 
posed to be a trip about people learning 
to live together in harmony. It may not 
be practical to run an entire society on 
idealistic egalitarian principles—we'd 
soon see—but surely three sensitive 
adults, two of whom had named their 


or, what the k.g.b. taught 
me about capitalism 


children Patience and Charity, would get 
along fine piloting a summer tour. 

Perhaps tellingly, it’s hard to recall 
what all the fighting was about. Says one 
tripmate, then 17, now a gene i 
demiologist: “Nothing much, reall 
cisions. It was not too much diflerent 
from a group of hippies’ trying to pick a 
restaurant.” Yet it led to a polarizing of 
the troops—with only two buses, you 
pretty much had to choose to be in one or 
the other—and, eventually, to Chrysan- 
themum’s defection, from the trip. It is 
not the easiest thing in the world for hu- 
mans to share power amicably, or even 
to be neighbors. 

The Russians are good people, most of 
us believe; it’s their government that’s 
our enemy. That's certainly how Rus- 
sians feel about Ames 
young, modern Soviet leader—the first 
ever to have been born after the revolu- 
tion—who appears cager for a better 
country (his) and a safer world (ours 
Yet there is the tendency to doubt 
motives. (“In a closed, hidebound dicta- 
torship," writes Time’s Strobe Talbott, 
“Gorbachev's slogans of openness, re- 
structuring and democratization are ci- 
ther particularly cynical or particularly 
significant. It is not yet clear which.”) 

‘The occasional misjudgment notwith- 
standing, American leaders arc funda- 
mentally decent people out to make a 
better world. Soviet leaders are funda- 
mentally evil. Yet could it all really be so. 
simple? Black hats and white hats? Cow- 
boys and Indians? A hundred fifty years 
later, it appears the Indians may not 
have been entirely in the wrong, after all. 

It was just such seditious thoughts I 
was thinking as we traveled through Rus- 
sia. For in truth, the Soviet system 
sounds pretty good on paper. Especially 
to a 16-year-old. There were these czars 
and aristocrats on the one hand, these 
serfs and a few factory workers on the 
other. Nothing remotely smacking of 
democracy; all very "Let them cat 
cake,” Then along came Lenin with 
ideas about liberté, égalité, fraternité, 
only in Russian, and soon you had scenes. 
like the one in Doctor Zhivago where Rod 


aus, Nuw comes a 


Steiger is dining and dancing with Julie 
istic at a spectacularly lavish restau- 
lins, chandeliers and formal- 
wear—while down below, out in the 
cold, the hungry workers sing We Shall 
Overcome (or words to that effect). And 
then you had revolution, Although not 
very broad-based —the masses knew next 
to nothing about it—the revolution cer- 
tainly was not without justification. But 
soon things got messy, and then things 
went awry (power corrupts), and then 
you got Stalin (“and absolute pow- 
er ..."), who made some of the dictators 
supported look like angels with 
snowflake wings. But the goals and 
principles of the revolution, however im- 
practical and however subsequently dis- 
torted, are hard to fault per sc. 

So there I was, litle Red menace, 
ig by one of our VW buses outside 


we've 


an Intourist hotel, protected from the 
light afternoon drizzle by а 99-cent five- 
and-dime plastic raincoat. We had been 
told the day before on our way in from 
Czechoslovakia not to sell anything on 
the black market. Free enterprise was 
illegal; Western influences—clothes, rec- 
ords, books—could subvert the revolu- 
tion. (One needed special permission at 
Moscow's Lenin Library to sce The New 
York Times—and one’s request would be 
noted in the file whether permission were 
granted or not.) 1 had not paid much 
attention to any of this, because I hadn't 
the slightest intention of setting up shop 
in Red Square—nor had { anything to 
sell, 

Or so I thought ший a man ap- 
proached saying something unintelligible 
n either German or Engl "Zdrast- 
vweeche!" | brightened immediately, 
thrilled to have a real, live, uncontrived 
reason to use—not study or practice— 
my high school Russian. 

“Kak vwee pozhivayelye?" 

He allowed as how he pozhivayetyed 
just fine, thank you, but what he was 
really interested in was my raincoat. He 
wanted to buy it. 

Now I was really excited—a boy so 
unused to taking an activc, adult role in 
life he was too shy to call attention to his 
soon-to-explode airplane engine. sud- 
denly carrying on spontaneous East 
West negotiations in Russian, in Russia. 

My counterpart was less demonstra- 
He was talking under his breath, 
y ten rubles for the raincoat. 

n rubles was a lot of money for a 
99-cent raincoat—oflicially, $11.11 back 
then, but enough to buy a dozen hard- 
cover books (we subsi 
ers, the Soviets subsidize books)—so 1 
started to take it off. “Nye zdyace!” ( 
here”) he whispered urgently, no doubt 
amazed I could be so oblivious to the 
seriousness of the crime. We walked half 
a block to a less traveled thoroughfare, 1 
chatting up a storm, amazed to see that 
the Russian I had been learning for two 


lize tobacco farm- 


years from a textbook could actually be 
understood (more or less) for real. 
Inaminute, (continued on page 186) 


151 


ы. 
Issue golden 
parachutes 


1D) Kick their lazy 
asses out 
CHOOSE DNE 


oq kot 


SE THEIR OWN Pssst. We're sturk at ЧО percent | 
USE TONEY! of the stock. An old lady in Paducah | 
— won't unload her 12 shares. 1 
2 


e 


Nice gesture, Bud, but you're 
already over your $500 limit. 
And a bit of advice—corporate 
raiders 

NEVER. EVER 


Not to worry, Bud. | be- 
lieve I can access a little. 
inside information that 
could tip the scales in our 
favor capisce? 


Yes 


No 


Why, sure. What 
the hell? 


Im still working on It, Bud; but whatever — 
| the outcome here tonight, remember one Т? 
thing: You're one ballsu 5 ah. ў ER: En. mese 


ic dae arme 


= D]! plead the Fifth 
IF NO IMMUNITY, CHOOSE D 


154 


PLAYBOY'S 
LAYMAT 


a roundup fi the past del 


REVIEW 


ght ul dozen 


WHO DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE 
PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR? 


irs ris time of year again—time 


to go on record in support of your 
favorite Playmate of 1987. All you 
have to do to participate in this 
nual extravaganza is pick up the 
phone, dial 11 numbers and give 
our friendly computer your input 
Each Playmate—from Miss Janu- 
ary, Luann Lec, to Miss Decem- 
ber, India Allen—has her own 900 
number. Whether your fave is Lu- 
ann, India, Brandi, Marina (we 
had some great names this past 
г) or one of our more tradition- 
ally named beauties, you can be 
sure that she'll love you for calling 
Each call will be acknowledged 

d logged by our computer, 
which will then inform your favor- 
ite Playmate of your support, This 
year, you'll have more than a 
month to get in on the action: The 


n- 


Donno Edmondson, cur reigning Playmate of 


the Yeor, gets personal with one of the many 
thousands of collers who supported her con- 
didacy lost year. This yeor—who knows? 


phone lines will be open 24 hours 
E.S.T. Novem. 
Л. De- 
cember 20. The cost is just 30 
cents per call, a major bargain 
Calls from outside the 50 states, 
Canada, the U.S. Virgin Islands 
and Pucrto Rico will be charged 
the regular long-distance rates 
But don’t let that stop you if you 
happen to be partying in Hong 
Kong or São Paulo—the interna- 
tional operator will be greatly en- 
tertained by your message, and the 
Playmate of your choice will be 
duly impressed. Remember: This 


a day, from ten en 
ber 18 untl ten 


year, we're expecting upwards of 
100,000 calls, so cast your vote 
early. Now lock at the pictures on 
the pages that follow, make your 
choice for Playmate of the Year 
and call us. The ladies are waiting 


TAKE A CHANCE ON TALKING WITH 
YOUR FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


As an extra added attraction, when you call in, you 
may get to while away the time with the Playmate of 
your dreams. Each day during our phone-in period, at 
least one of 1987's centerfold stars will answer random- 


loveliest women on 
Playmate—end one da 


ly selected calls. So if Lady Luck smiles, you may find 
yourself talking person to person with one of the 12 


arth. Reach out and touch a 
y you can tell your grandchildren 


Miss Vlovember 


1-900-210-5577 


Pamela Stein (left), who made her first Playboy appearance as one of August's sizzling Women of 

will soon make another—hers are the luscious legs on one of our upcoming covers. “Being 
a Playmate has been fabulous so far,” says fabulous Pam. As for 1988, she I'm keeping my 
fingers crossed.” Lucky so far, Pam looks forward to a future as bright as the Clearwater sun. 


ober 
1-900-210-5280 


Movie and TV roles are the prey Brandi Brandt (above) is after. "Ive had a lot of film offers, but I'm 
taking my time. There's no hurry," says Brandi—an understandable sentiment for someone who 
recently turned 19. For now, she is content fielding offers, taking a few acting сі neeting 

a lot of people and having fun." Brandi's latest gig is Frederick's of Hollywood's Christmas catalog. 


157 


| June 
1-900-210-0188 


St. Louisan Sandy Green- 
berg (left) —Maxine 
Legroom to her many 
fans—plans to let 1988 
“take care of itself. Nine- 
teen eight $ 
great—life as Miss June 
has been even more fun 
than I expected. Now I'm 
just caught up in enjoying 


Sandy has two new posi 
ош, опе as (vavoom!) a 
BMW motorcycle girl. 


iss February 
1-900-720-0077 


Julie Peterson (right), she 
of the sultry eyes, came 
south from Alaska and 
promptly took Southern 
California by snowstorm. “I 
keep up with my Alaskan 
friends, but we don't hike 


mukluks in LA." Julie says 
that life as a Playmat 
something she could never 
forget, and our readers 
the same about her. 


Miss September 


1-900-210-1255 


An Arab-American born in 


ош (Traxx, with Priscilla 
Barnes and Shadoe 
Stevens), a Star Search 
spokesmodeling competi- 
tion coming up and a Hora- 
tio Alger attitude. "Playboy 
has been such a positive 
experience for me," Gwen 

5 cant see anything 
but good ahead." 


Miss December 
1-900-210-7333 


India Allen (left), a Virgini- 
an with Polish, Indian and 
psychic roots, calls being 
Miss December "the high 
light of my life. Гт going 
10 take my Playmate money, 
invest it in some land in 
the California gold country, 
go everywhere promoting 
Playboy —and have a real 
good time.” Her mom, the 
psychic in the family, gave 
India the genes to be both 
seer and looker. 


Miss July 
1-900-210-1232 


The best thing about Car- 
men Berg's (right) tenure 
as one of our dazzling 
dozen has been “sharing 
my life with a lot of people, 
with my family and 
friends—even fans. I've 
been getting fan mail, 
which seemed funny at 
first, but you've got to love 
il. I try to answer it all. If 
anyone who wrote to me 
hasn't heard back, don't 
worry—L ll get to you.” 


Ке ү Miss August 
) 1-900-210-1233 


PS A Longview, Washington's, 
Sharry Konopski (right) re- 

À cently returned from a two- 
А weck promotional jaunt to 
Montreal, then soaked up 
some California sun before 
heading home—for the 
moment. Never one 10 cool 
her heels while the world 
rushes by, this logger turned 
ate, who recently 

turned 20, plans to be set- 
ting the modeling world on 
its ear by the time she’s 21 


- 
7 

4 [d 
"T 


Miss March 
1-900-720-3076 


March, England's 
aker (left) has 
movie with 
Richard Chamberlain, can- 
wassed London for the Lib- 
eral Party and founded her 
wn theater company. Be- 
ng Miss March, says M: 
na, “has been wonderful— 
and it certainly livens up 
dinner parties. 'And what 
have you been doing, dear” 
“Well, I've been the 
Playmate of the Month. ^ 


Miss May 


1-900-720-6300 


Designing woman Kym 
Paige (right) has her own 
jeans-and-jackets label, 


4 the aptly named 2KOOL 
\ fashions. 


1 love most, 
“Getting my own business 
together has kept me 


CAN 2KOOL creations in better 
YE stores and on better bodies 
everywhere in 1988. 


Miss April 


1-900-720-5499 


Just back from a whirlwind tour of Australia, Thailand, India (“I put my arm in the Ganges”), Kenya, 
Egypt, Greece and Holland, Anna Clark (right) is putting the finishing touches on her Playmate 

video and planning to go to graduate school. “I want to go on to Berkeley and get my business de- 
gree,” says Anna, who loved Sydney, Nairobi and Amsterdam but still prefers her native San Francisco. 


Miss January 

1-900-720-0011 

When last we heard from singer/model/equestrienne/financial whiz Luann Lee (above), she was buy- 
ing up sugar futures and training for a Las Vegas engagement with Playboy's Girls of Rock & Roll. 

The sugar proved a sweet investment, and the singing went even better. “It was hard work,” says 
Luann, now back in L.A. after rocking Vegas’ Maxim Hotel and the Hilton in Reno, "but I loved it.” 


E 


[LES 


OOD AND FOOTBALL go together like burgers and fries. 
E Like strikes and negotiation. Think tail-gate picnics 
at the stadium, pretzels and beer at the sports bar. And come 
Super Bowl Sunday, the symbiosis is manifest in what is 
rapidly becoming an international secular festival. Brits stay 
up past midnight to cheer the likes of Eric Dickerson and 
John Elway while downing bitter and bangers (those are beer 
and sausages, mate). Amateur linebackers in Munich tune in 
to pick up pointers from Lawrence Taylor and Mike Single- 
tary, all the while snaffling up indigenous munchies and 
brews with umlauts in their names. 


Just like home. You're 


у, 


how to host a winning 
super bowl party and see the game 


food ond drink By HERBERT B. LIVESEY 


inviting some people 
over, right? It’s the game, 
=: after all. But with all the 
hype, interviews, music 


videos, predictions and, 


a lot of time to fill. Espe- 
cially when the Super 
Bowl proves to be a 


yawner and those onc- 


day fans who otherwise 
couldn't care less about leather spheroids are looking for 
diversion. As host, you should be prepared with more than 


corn chips and clam dip. 


What you necd is a touch of class, a gastronomic spin 
here and there, but hearty fare, not nouvelle wimpery. What 
you don't need is to be sweating over the skillets when some 
player scoots 101 yards with the opening kick. So what we 
have here are dishes that can be prepared completely or in 
part in the morning or the day before the ceremonial coin 
flip. Some are fiery, some mild, some cold, some hot. None 
of them takes more than 45 minutes to put together, and 
even the drinks are made ahead. Most of the recipes serve 
four to six diners but can be doubled or tripled easily. Lay 
out plates, napkins, condiments, silverware and any other 


necessities and invite all to help themselves. You want 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


PLAYBOY 


168 


to watch the game, too. 


SUPERHERO 


Call ita hoagie, a wedge, a sub ога zep. 
the hero is the quintessential football 
sandwich. The mandatory loaf of fat, fresh 
Italian bread even looks a little like the ob- 
ject those 22 large men are fighting over. 
Get yours straight from the bakery, if pos- 
sible, not the supermarket. Makes 2 sand- 
wiches serving 4 to В. 

2 large loaves Italian bread, preferably 

with sesame seeds 

10 tablespoons olive oil 

4 tablespoons red-wine vinegar 

Ya teaspoon oregano 

Ya lb. imported prosciutto, thinly sliced 

Ye Ib. smoked turki 

% lb. provolone, sliced 

7-oz. jar roasted peppers, packed in oil 

1 large red onion 

24 pitted black or green olives 

Salt and pepper, to taste 

Split loaves lengthwise. Pull out some of 
the soft center bread to cradle the fillings 
and catch the oil and vinegar. 

Over each of the 2 bottom halves of 
bread, drizzle 3 tablespoons oil and 1 ta- 
blespoon vinegar and sprinkle with ore- 
gano. Lay in slices of prosciutto, turkey 
and cheese, dividing cach evenly between 
2 loaves. Drain roasted peppers, slice into 
thin strips and arrange equally over both 
sandwiches. Peel and thinly slice red 
onion. Separate into rings and arrange 
them over roasted peppers. Chop olives 
and scatter them over tops. Drizzle re- 
maining oil and vinegar over fillings. 
(Mustard, mayo or both can replace oil 
and vinegar.) Add salt and pepper, if de- 
sired. Wrap tightly and refrigerate until 
ready to eat. Slice into negotiable sections 
and serve. 


Buy crab claws already cooked and raw 
shrimps in their shells. A pound of either 
feeds 2 to 4 people, depending on their ap- 
petites. Buy good-sized shrimps, about 24 
to 30 toa pound. 

1 Ib. cooked crab claws 

1 Ib. raw shrimps in their shells 

1 large clove garlic 

2 small ribs celery, with leaves 

A teaspoon dried hot-pepper flakes 

1 bay leaf 

12 whole peppercorns 

6 whole allspice 

Beer to cover 

Peel garlic but leave it whole. Coarsely 
chop celery. Place all ingredients except 
crab claws (which will be served as is) in 
large sauccpan. Bring to boil, remove from 
heat and let shrimps stand in liquid for 2 
minutes, Drain. Serve hot on platter with 
cold crab claws. Guests peel their own 
shrimps, dipping into the following sauces. 


CATSUP- HORSERADISH 


1 cup catsup 

Y cup bottled horseradish 

1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce 

3 scallions, minced 

1 tablespoon lemon juice 

Put all ingredients in bowl. Stir thor- 
oughly. Adjust seasonings to taste. For 
Spicier sauce, add a few drops of Tabasco 
sauce or a pinch of dried hot-pepper 
Hake Jover and chill for several hours or 
ight. 


AIOLI (GARLIC MAYONNAISE} 


5 cloves garlic 

1 cup homemade or store-bought may- 
onnaise 

Juice of % lemon 

Paprika, for garnish 


“Oh, wow! How did you know I 
was a Dickens freak?” 


Peel and mince garlic. Put it in blender 
and process 15 seconds, Add mayo: blend. 
‚Add lemon juice; blend. Scoop and scrape 
into bowl and sprinkle with paprika. Goes 
well with broiled or roasted fowl and pork, 
as well as shrimps. 


CHICKEN AND PEPPERS IN JALAPENO PESTO 


This is a cross-cultural twist on tra- 
ditional recipes. The Italian basil-and- 
pignoli pesto sauce takes on added punch 
with the addition of minced Mexican hot 
peppers. All ingredients can be prepared 
the day before, then heated together 5 
minutes before serving. If you desire, the 
results can be poured over cooked rice or 
pasta, stretching it to feed extra guests. On 
its own, it serves 4. 

1-1% lbs. skinless, boneless chicken 

breasts 

3 large sweet red peppers 

3 fresh or bottled jalapeño peppers 

1 cup pesto (available in many super- 

markets and specialty food stores) 

3 tablespoons olive oil 

4 tablespoons freshly grated parmesan 

ог romano cheese 

Salt and pepper, to taste 

‘Trim chicken breasts of any vestiges of 
skin, cartilage and connecting tissue. Fill 
saucepan with enough water to cover 
chicken when added. Bring to boil. Add 
chicken. Cook at a low boil for 5 minutes. 
Drain chicken and cut into long strips or 
chunks. Set aside. 

Cut red peppers in half lengthwise and 
remove stems, seeds and soft inner ribs. 
Slice peppers lengthwise into narrow 
strips; set aside. 

Using rubber gloves, cut jalapenos open 
and remove stems, seeds and inner ribs. 
Chop peppers and place them in blend- 
er. Mince. Add pesto and blend thoroughly. 
Pour into bowl and set aside. (If desired, 
preparations to this point can be made up 
to 24 hours in advance, Simply cover in- 
gredients tightly and refrigerate. Allow 
them to come to room temperature before 
final assembly.) 

Heat oil in large skillet over medium- 
high heat. Add sweet-pepper strips. Toss 
and stir continuously for 3 minutes or until 
they start to get limp. Add chicken strips 
and continue stir-frying for 2 minutes 
more, or until meat is heated through. 
Turn heat down to low and pour jalapeno- 
pesto mixture over chicken and peppers. 
Toss until well coated. Pour it all into serv- 
ing and sprinkle with cheese, salt and 
pepper to taste, 


MARINATED FLANK STEAK 


‘The choice is whether to serve the steak 
hot or cold. It’s good either way. To serve 
it cold, marinate and cook the day before 
the game. The sliced meat can be heaped 
on pumpernickel or warmed onion rolls or 
catcn straight. An average flank steak 
weighs 1% to 2 pounds and serves 3 or 4. 

(continued on page 170) 


4 


Share the wreath. 
Give friends a sprig of imported English greenery. 


Tanqueray Gin. 
A singular experience. 
Tanqueray anywhere nthe USA. Call 1-800-243-3787. Void where prohibited: 


PLAYBOY 


170 


For the marinade: 

1 cup olive oil 

% cup red-wine vinegar 

1 tablespoon Dijon mustard 

1 small onion, chopped 

1 bay leal 

1 teaspoon thyme 

1 teaspoon basil 

1 teaspoon rosemary 

Salt and pepper, to taste 

Cherry tomatoes and pi 

garnish 

Combine all ingredients except garnish 
in bowl and whisk until smooth. Score 
steak lightly crosswise on both sides. 
Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place steak 
on platter and pour marinade over it. Cov- 
er and refrigerate for at least 4 hours, turn- 
ing meat in marinade 2 or 3 times. 

Preheat broiler. Lift steak from platter 
and allow marinade to drain. Reserve 
marinade. Place steak on broiler pan and 
put it about 4 ins. under broiler. After 
cooking for 4 minutes, turn steak and 
brush on some marinade. Broil 4 more 
minutes. Make an incision to sce if steak 
has reached desired doneness. If not, turn 
and baste again. It won't take more than 
another 2 or 3 minutes. Remove steak to 
cutting board and allow to rest for 5 min- 
utes. Then, using sharp knife held at 45- 
degree angle to board, slice steak in very 
thin strips crosswise. Serve immediately 


су sprigs, for 


on platter with a few cherry tomatoes and 
parsley sprigs for garnish. Or, ifyou plan to 
serve it cold, cover and refrigerate until a 
break in the endless pregame show. 


CHILLED FUSILLI WITH OLIVES, 


TOMATOES AND PROSCIUTTO. 


Make this up to 24 hours ahead. Im- 
ported olives and prosciutto are preferable 
to domestic, but plain cooked ham can be 
substituted. If you have time to make your 
own mayo, fine, but a good-quality store 
brand suffices. No need for salt, except in 
the pasta water—the olives, capers and 
prosciutto provide enough. Serves 4 to 6. 

2 large ripe tomatoes 

%# cup pitted green olives 

¥ cup pitted black olives 

% Ib. prosciutto, in two thick 

Ve red onion 

3 tablespoons fresh basil leaves, or | tea- 

spoon dried 

2 teaspoons salt 

Ye Ab. fusilli (spiral pasta) 

1 tablespoon olive oil 

1 tablespoon vinegar 

% cup mayonnaise 

Juice of one lemon 

2 tablespoons capers 

Bring water for pasta to boil. Gore 
tomatoes and cut into chunks. Slice olives. 
Remove excess fat from prosciutto and cut 


ез 


"I only wish there were more believers like you.” 


meat into thin strips. Peel and chop onion. 
Cut out stems of basil leaves and chop. Put 
tomatoes, olives, prosciutto, onion and 
basil in large mixing bowl. 

Add salt to boiling water, then add fusil- 
li. Cook according to package directions, 
usually about 12 minutes. Drain pasta in 
colander and rinse under cold running wa- 
ter. Pour pasta into large serving bowl. Add 
oil and vincgar and toss to coat. 

Add prepared vegetables, mayonnaisc 
and lemon juice. Toss thoroughly. Sprinkle 
capers over top. Cover and refrigerate for at 
least one hour. Toss before serving. 


LENTIL AND TOMATO SALAD 


This is a lot tastier and more colorful 
than it sounds and can be made 24 hours 
before kickoff. Serves 4 to 6. 

Ye Ib. dried lentils 

+ tablespoons olive oil 

1 cup onion, chopped 

1 tablespoon garlic, minced 

2 cups canned crushed tomatoes 

1 cup beef broth 

1 teaspoon oregano 

1 teaspoon dried basil 

1 bay leaf 

Salt and pepper, to taste 

1 bunch scallions, chopped 

Y cup parsley, chopped 

1 large sweet red pepper, cored, seeded 

and diced 

2 tablespoons red-wine vinegar 

Juice of one lemon 

Wash and drain lentils. In large sauce- 
pan, heat 1 tablespoon olive ой. Cook 
onion and garlic over medium heat, sti 
ring until soft, not browned. Add lentils, 
tomatoes, beef broth, oregano, basil, bay 
leaf and salt and pepper to taste. Bring to 
boil, then lower to simmer. Cook, covered, 
for 40 minutes, or until tender, not mushy. 

While lentils are cooking, prepare scal- 
lions, parsley and red pepper. Put them 
bowl, cover and refrigerate. When len- 
til mixture is done, pour it into serving 
dish. Cover and refrigerate for at least 2 
hours. To serve, combine vegetables with 
lentils. Stir in vinegar and remaining 3 ta- 
blespoons oil. Add lemon juice and, if de- 
sired, more salt and pepper. Remove bay 
leaf. Toss thoroughly and serve. 


CHILI CONFETTI RICE. 


A hot dish in both senses of the word. 
All the chopping can be done ahead and 
each of the ingredients kept in separate 
plastic bags in the fridge. The actual cook- 
ing takes only 20 minutes, and the rice can 
stay in the covered pan for as long as 30 
minutes while other dishes are being as- 
sembled. Serves 4 to 6. 

1 sweet red pepper 

2 fresh ears corn, or 1 cup frozen corn 

kernels 

1 small onion 

3 tablespoons butter 

1 cup raw rice 

2 tablespoons chili powder 

1% cups chicken broth 

1 cup frozen peas 


Quarter red pepper. Remove seeds, core 
and soft inner ribs. Cut quarters into 
strips, then into cubes. Husk corn. With 
sharp knife, cut kernels from cobs. There 
will be about one cup. Peel onion and 
coarsely chop. 

Melt butter in saucepan over medium 
heat. Add onion and cook until soft, stir- 
ing. Add rice and toss and stir until all 
grains are coated in butter. Add pepper 
cubes and corn kernels. (If using frozen 
corn, keep it aside and add later with 
frozen peas.) Stir until coated. Add chili 
powder and chicken broth. Stir. Bring to 
boil and immediately lower to simmer. 
Cover tightly and cock for 17 minutes. 

While rice and vegetables cook, remove 


peas from carton and run hot water over 


them until all are separated. Set aside. (If 


using frozen corn, repeat process and айй 
to peas.) When rice mixture is done, stir i 
peas and corn, and fluff rice. Remove from 
heat and serve. 


BELLINI 


The hottest brunch drink since blue- 
hued margaritas is an import from Harry's 
Bar in Venice, one of Hemingway's favored 
haunts. Our version couldn't be simpler to 
put together. 

1 bottle champagne or other dry white 

sparkling wine 

4 peaches 

1 tablespoon sugar 

Mint leaves, optional 

Chill champagne. Ped and pit peaches. 
Purée in blender or food processor. Pour 

ў g bowl and add champagne. 
Stir gently but thoroughly. Add sugar only 
after tasting. Float some mint leaves on 
top, if you have them. Ladle into punch 
cups or wineglasses. Serves 4 to 6. 


WHITE SANGRIA 


This variation on the Iberian red-wine 
stand-by has only recently started appear- 
ing in Spanish restaurants. It must be 
made ahead and goes fast, so plan accord- 
ingly. No need to be rigid about the fruits 
used. Lemon can be substituted for the 
limes, peaches for the apple, or add red or 
white seedless grapes. Serves 6 to 8. 

2 bottles dry white wine 

% cup Grand Marnier, Cointreau or 

similar orange-based liqueur 

Ya cup vodka 

1 red apple 

1 orange 

2 limes 

Sugar, to tas 

Club soda, optional 

Wash but do not peel fru 
and cut in half lengthwise 
to thin wedges. Cut orange and limes in 
half lengthwise and halves into crosswise 
slices. Combine all ingredients except club 
soda in large pitcher or bowl. Stir, cover 
and refrigerate for at least four hours, or 
overnight. Taste for sweetness and, if nec- 
essary, add sugar a tablespoon at a time 


Core apple 
ice halves in- 


until correct. If using dub soda, add it a 
cup at a time to achieve the desired taste. 


Serve in stemmed wineglass over ice cubes. 


PEPPER VODKA MARTINIS 


The game starts during the cocktail 


hour, so what better way 10 toast the 
touchdown than with America’s clas 
belly warmer? The flavoring of the vodka 
is begun at least two days before drinking. 

1 liter vodka 

2 tablespoons whole black peppercorns 

Dry vermouth, to taste 

Lemon twist 

Chili pepper, optional 

Pour peppercorns into vodka and re- 
place bottle cap. Let stand for 48 hours, 
ally. When ready 
to usc, pour vodka through strainer into 


shaking Боце occasi 


carafe or cocktail shaker. Discard pepper- 


corns. Add dry vermouth to squat glass 
filled with ice. Fill ‘er up with vodka 
(which will have a smoky color) and add 
lemon twist, To add another coal 10 the 
fire, cut fresh chili pepper in half and put it 
in with peppercorns. Strain it out and dis- 
card with peppercorns. Or use chili pep- 


per alone, remembering to use gloves 
when cu 


None of this means you can't have the 
conventional noshes on hand. Place bas- 
kets of chips and pretzels within easy reach 
of chairs. 
four kinds of beers and wine coolers. And 
make sure there's a sofi friend to help 
clean up when everyone else has lett. 

One last tip: Take the N.F.C. champ 
and give the points. Trust me 


ill an ice chest with three or 


“While you're in that mood, Bruce—there's a pile 


of slamps lo be licked up here.” 


171 


Heldman, 25 


“I can't believe her husband is running for Р! 


FASTFORWARD 


“I'd love to have lunch with Tipper Gore, 
‚ one of the new breed of video jocks on MTV 


Success has put James Spader 
squarely in the fast lane—literal- 
ly. The 27-year-old actor, who 
scored an impressive triple play 
with sizable roles in three recent 
big films—Wall Street, Baby Boom 
and Less than Zero—has adopted 
the ultimate transcontinental life. 
He spends a third of each year in 


ghs Carolyne 


ident.” OF 


course, you'd expect an MTV v.j. to take issue with 
the infamous Tipper, the wife of Senator Albert Gore, 
who has helped launch a crusade to protect America’s 
youth from what she sces as the corrupting influence оГ 
rock 'n’ roll and music videos. “I don't think they're 
harmful to kids," says Heldman. “The videos are no 
worse than what they rc getting on regular television. 
And ifthe women in videos care to ex- 
ploit themselves in that way, 
then they should be able 


ploitation, since the 


men are taking oll their shirts 
and posing. What's good for the 
goose is good for the gander.” 
Alter working for a year and a 
half as a disc jockey at a small 
radio station in Aspen, Colo- 
rado, Heldman sent an audi- 
tion tape to. MTV, which 
was looking for younger tal- 
ent to suit the music chan- 


ОНЕ 
WANTS 


nel’s target audience. 
“The first five v.j.s stuck 
with it too long,” she ex- 


plains, But Heldman appar- 
ently isn't burdened with 
the same superloyalty to 
MTV as her predecessors 
“Gosh, ifsomeone offered 
me a movie role, I cer- 
tainly wouldn't turn it 
down." —ROBERT CRANE 8 5 
FRANK MCELOTTA 


STRIPPED FOR ACTION 


‘The Vietnam war is everywhere: in theaters, on TV and now—thanks to The 
“Nam, where it probably belonged in the first place—in a comic book. Mar- 
vel Comics and author Doug Murray have created a no-hero, grunt's-eye view 
of the war—told, boasts Murray, as "accurately as the comics code will al- 
low.” That means that there are first sergeants who are on the take, officers 
who get shot by their own men and “people who bleed and die and have 
trouble getting to sleep at night.” Murray, 40, a Viet vet himself, doesn't want 
kids to get a Ramboized view of the war. “There were guys who thought they 
were Rambo, but they usually didn't come back in one piece,” he says. In one 
of The ‘Nam's first issues, a group of recruits watch John Wayne in The Green 
Berets on an outdoor screen while another section of the base is under rocket 
attack—an experience Murray lived through. “You were sitting there watch- 
ing a movie about a war while a couple of hundred yards away there was a 
real war going on, and it was just like another part of the show,” he recalls. 
Although sales are brisk, with The ‘Nam closing in on Uncanny X-Men, Mar- 
vel’s current number-one seller, Murray is reluctant to drop his day job as 
vice-president of the Long Island branch at Chase Manhattan Bank. “I'm 
waiting to see my first royalty check.” — MICHAEL TENNESEN. 


Е 
2 
E 


New York, a third in L.A. and a 


third behind the wheel 


of his 


1969 Porsche 911 convertible, 


US. Its 
h 


from 


is parents, 


college teachers 
who would take 


the 


Euro) 
b 


t 


kids to 
on sab- 
cals and 


drive around 


the 


Continent. 


Now Spader is 
seeing Amer- 
ica second 


like to visit different 


. environments,” 


he says. 


"Traveling tends to clear 
my head out and remind me 


that show b 
.really what 
about.” 


ss isn't 
is all 


— MATTHEW SMITH 


© TIMOTHY WHITE/ ONYX 


LATE NICHT WITH HOWARD 


It may be the leastheralded job in comedy, but when David Letterman flips a card through the 
fake window behind his desk or fires his dart gun at the camera lens, the man who gets the yoks 
у. the show's 36-year-old audio engi 
v-trademark sound effects, such as the 
s. the baing of the dart hitting glass or any of 
sounds he has available, “try to find a sound 

that Dave can play off into a joke,” he says. “1 can 

usually sense his mood and what he'll react to. 

The only rule is, Don't interrupt a guest." Letter 
man once immortalized Vini all-time favorite 
inds in a Late Night top-ten list. They included 
S crooning “Who loves ya?" Penny 
Head ("a sql j of sourd,” 
ins), Pigs ın Fear, Electronic Jive Talk 
Peacock. Vinitsky, who had 


Space Coaster a now-defunct 
out of a tiny room stuffed with 
800 aucio cartridges. Sometimes, he receives an on-air 
critique from Letterman. “Give yourself a rase, How- 

ard,” he said when one of Vinitsky's sound effects got a 

laugh. Once however, the sound was followed by mock fury- 
after one too many audio interruptions, Letterman snapped, 
"Oh. its The Howard Vinitsky Show now NCE SUTIN 


ASTAR 
IS FORMED 


Rachel McLish, 30, 

the most celebrated 

female bodybuilder 

in the world. likes the 

smell of sweat. “Sweat is 

a cleansing mechanism.” 

she says. “If you have a 
clean body. sweat has a 
clean smell. If your body is 
full of junk and smoke and 
you have bad habits. such as 
not bathing. you'd better 
leave." And if McLish tells you 
to leave. you may want to 
listen—shes the holder 

of two Ms. Olympia ti- 

tles, the author of two 
best-selling books 

(Flex Appeal and 

Perfect Parts) and 

has be known 

to start her day 

with a tive-mile 

run and an hour 

of weight training 

She's now channel- 

ing her discipline into 

her embryonic movie 
career. which already in- 
cludes The Man Who Loved 
Women. “The roles offered to me 
are Conanlike, where I decapi- 
tate people,” she complains, in- 
sisting that when she does 
make a movie, it will be on 
her own terms. Who's going 
to argue?  —ROBERTCRANE 


NYNO ONNI 


PLAYBOY 


174 


KRAZYRAT oinaan pae 107) 


“She swirled her black-stockinged legs over the side. 


‘Let’s fuck,’ she said.” 


tucked around the rim, not in any decade’s 
style, yet her style. She swirled her black- 
stockinged legs over the side of the sofa 
and sat up. 

She touched the hat, straightening the 
veil forward. “Let’s fuck,” she said. 
“Hey!” she added, as if surprised by her 
own voice. “1 can swear!” 

“What?” He thought, 1 am not a good 
boy anymore and felt his heart beat with 
hard whacka-whacka willfulness. Hewent 
to her and she circled him with her arms. 

“My arms bend, too,” she said, with 
what sounded like genuine surprise. May- 
be she, too, was shocked that they were 
able to do this thing. The keeper of 
the psychoanalytic laws, the sup, would 
be horrified. He wanted Dr. Ignatz to be 
moral, nourished by rectitude, unhappy, 
like all the Jews since Abraham. Well, who 
was more important—this lovely woman 
or the sup? Kate was, would be, had to be. 
Good, Dr. Ignatz thought, I'm bad! And, 
as if in response, Kate kissed him with the- 
atrical fury, hurting his lips. He nuzzled a 
quarter-sized patch of discolored skin on 
her collarbone, and Kate made a pleasant 
growly sound from her throat. He slowly 
stroked the soft skin of her thighs, between 
the tops of her stockings and her lacy un- 
derwear, drinking her with his hand. 

“My fingers work,” he said, playing 
with her. But his fingers did feel special, as 
if he had just recovered from a long, 
numbing illness, as if Kate and he had 
almost invented hands, invented touch. 

She smiled, her lips together, and 
purred lightly. He looked down at his 
once-inadequate, hairless, pink body. As 


Kate stroked his chest, it was as if this 
body—oh, impossible!—were truly what 
she desired, what she had always wanted! 
“Oh, play that junk-yard music! Whip it, 
horns, whip it!” 

. 

His couch was vinyl and had stuck to 
their skin, making crackling sounds as 
they rolled about. 

“Thank you,” she said when it was 
over. 

It wasn’t over. His career might be over, 
but not their lovemaking. He smelled her 
perfume on the fingers of his right hand 
mixed with the magical oil from her 
cunt—a new fragrance called Disaster. 

. 

It wasn't like what she had imagined, 
Krazy thought. 

Ignatz stared into the distance. “It’s 
different," he said, bemused. Yet there was 
something about the bitterness that could 
only be sweetened, satisfied, fulfilled, if 
they did it again. 

“I want to try again,” Krazy said. 

“Once more,” Ignatz whispered. 

. 


“Thank you,” Dr. Ignatz had said. 

She had put her stockings back on, 
snapping them to her garters. Smiling at 
him distantly, she had smoothed her rum- 
pled cotton skirt. 

He watched her walk out, a blonde ignis 
fatuus, a fairy light. And he knew that he 
would soon run after her, an Ignatz fatu- 
ous. Was that why he wanted her so, be- 
cause even as she opened her arms to him, 
she seemed to be moving away, drawing 
him onward? Perhaps chasing Kate would 


"What is Santa Claus really like?" 


free him from his unhappy marriage that 
wasn't a marriage, And throw him out of 
the carcer that he loved! 

. 

“Stroke your cock,” she ordered. It was 
two weeks later. 

“Thank you,” he said meekly, kneeling 
in front of her on his office floor. Kate 
knew that he liked to stroke himself or to 
hold his cock with his hand gently under- 
neath, like a jeweler—or a butcher— 
showing off a choice piece of goods, and he 
performed with a pleasing small boy’s in- 
nocence, not adolescent cock proud but as 
if he were delighted and surprised that he 
had one. Not that his cock was that impor- 
tant to Kate; she loved Dr. Ignatz one and 
indivisible. But he sometimes acted as if 
Mr. Cock might have its own favorite 
flavor of ice cream (strawberry, probably), 
Presidential preference, plans for seces- 
sion. In truth, though, maybe she was es- 
pecially fond of his cock, so much longer 
and larger than one would have expected 

“Thank you,” he said again. 

"What?" Kate turned down the corners 
of her mouth with mock anger. 

“Thank you, mistress,” he said, looking 
down at the floor. 

That was the signal to continue a 
"strip," just as saying their special non- 
sense word—Pupp—would mean that one 
of them was scared, that they should print 
for the day. How had this begun? Their 
strips—and why had they cach thought to 
call them that?—had certainly started 
with some pretty straight stuff. And even 
now—she knew from service magazines 
and ladies'-room gossip—they were still 
‚conventional in their plots, a graduate stu- 
dent and a psychiatrist, bourgey S/M, a 
little spice, like faddish Cajun cooking. 
After all, it was only a game. 

. 


But when, Dr. Ignatz wondered, had she 
thought to take the leading role—hot 
tomato become top banana? She was an 
inspired . . . entertainer. Kate was an artist, 
really—witty, deeply empathetic, respon- 
sive. 

“Beg,” she said now, as a director might 
say “Action.” “Beg, my dear little pet, my 
dreamy little boy.” She wore a black-felt 
hat shaped like a flattened paper boat 

The comedy of that hat, tilted on her 
head like a wink, with its veil pinned 
around it, made the scene possible for him, 
not 100 serious, yet serious enough, a 
shared joke, so he was backstage and on 
stage at the same time. Making the fantasy 
up and living it out, while knowing it was 
just a fantasy, On his knees, he cast down 
his eyes before her cunt. “Мау I lick you, 
mistress?" 

She pulled him by the hair and brought 
his lips to her cunt, then—oh, luxury! — 
she drank from a balloon of cognac while 
he licked her. Dribbling the last of the 
brandy on his black springy bair, she lay 
back on the couch, where as her analyst, 
he had once given a shape to her by telling 
her what her fantasies meant. Now, for as 


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175 


PLAYBOY 


176 


long as she held his head between her legs, 
she knew what he wanted; she drew his 
shape. 

“Oh, that’s nice,” she hummed. “Now, 
strut it ош!” 

He licked harder, and she came skim- 
mingly, as if'she were the boat, yet she was 
the wind, and she was the ocean the boat 
moved across. 

She took his head from between her 
legs, pulled him up and laid him down on 
the couch. Straddling him, she sucked and 
bit his nipples, pulled lightly, then harder 
on their curlicues of black hair. 

“Please,” he implored in a sleepy yet 
insistent voice, “harder.” 

Her tecth dug into him like claws. Kate 
hummed another Cole Porter tune, a fa- 
vorite of his mother's: “So your baby сап 
be your slave? / Oh, why can't you be- 
have?" He would behave, he said; he was 
her slave. He let himself sink into the mild 
pain, like a warm bath; the dark pool was 
a place where she was there with him, for 
certain; sharply joined; inseparable; fused 
together. 

She rose over him and he entered her. 
“Come, slave,” she said. “Show you be- 
long to me. Give yourself.” 

He came into her. And she came, too. 
Lovingly, Kate stroked Dr. Ignatz’ hair. 

“Thank you,” Dr. Ignatz said, his voice 


still a bit sleepy-slavish, caught in the spi- 
der-web ties of a dream. 
. 

Ignatz Mouse stared at the space in front 
ofthetablewhiere thefantasy images formed. 
It had been so good. Kate had given Dr. 
Ignatz what Krazy Kat had never given 
him. Always he had bricked her, pursued 
her. Now Kate had given him a reciprocal 
sign; she had given him—well, sort of 
him—the brick back to the . . . the certainty 
thal they were connected. 
fecling faded like yesterday's headlines. 

If only they would do it again! 

. 

Later that same week—oh, how long 
will Krazy and Ignatz remain lost in fan- 
tasy? When will they return to their comic- 
strip work?—Kate sat behind the couch in 
Dr. Ignatz’ tall red-metal chair, smiling at 
this office furniture’s pleasing higgledy- 
piggledy eclecticism (though his therapy 
techniques had been Freud-pure until her 
beauty had —unintentionally!—made him 
play the sap for her), Probably, the decor 
was mix and match because he couldn't 
stand thinking about furniture; his mother 
had spent too much time antiquing, and 
he still saw furniture as a competitor. 
(That, she thought, was a good analysis! 
She must tell him.) 


“He made some wisecrack about an elernity here 
not being half as bad as a day with his ex-wife. So, 
naturally, we looked her up.” 


Dr. Ignatz worked now behind his large 
old desk, trying to produce the draft o 
new paper. To become more than an 
structor at the Harvard Medical School, 
one had to produce 16—or was it 60 or 
600 or six quadrillion?—published pa- 
pers. But Dr. Ignatz’ papers were different 
from the others, not make work but truly 
brilliant. He would risk anything s 
his patients might be OK, even desc 
really embarrassing things he had done 
Dr. Ignatz wouldn’t tell her what this pa- 
per was about, but she was sure he was an- 
alyzing the strips they did together. Which 
made her an important part of his work. 

She heard Dr. Ignatz’ sharp chicken- 
scratch pen stop, so she brought hima cup 
of Java from the coffee maker she had 
bought for the office, their secret place. 
Serving him his coflee, she bent down low 
so he could see the new half-bra she was 
wearing, and the tops of her breasts. He 
would have to have her; the more she seem- 
ingly served him, the more he wanted her. 
“Thank you,” he said, and smiled at her. 
She smiled. How could he want the dia- 
gram ofa house more than a room that he 
could enter? 

He couldn't. He pushed his papers aside 
and they walked together to the couch. For 
so long she had resisted her desire to be- 
long to someone, to be cared for. Soon, he 
would touch her all over with his beautiful 
long fingers, petting her, smoothing her, 
admi her, warming her. 


Krazy stared in fascination ar the fanta- 
sy that formed in front of her dinin 
table like the bluest of movies. And bing! 
went a bulb over our Kat's head! Every- 
one, she saw, wanted a little spice sprin- 
kled on his or her pleasure, a soupcon of 
power mi 
love. It made you feel truly connected. That 
iccounted for Kate and Dr. Ignatz’ 
bizarre strips of masters and mistresses! 
And sure, Krazy Kat had said with every 
daily bonk to her bean that loye should be 
mixed with hurt! But it wasn’t just Krazy’s 
idea, it was Kate's and Ignatz’ and Dr. 
Ignatz’ and yours and mine, too! 

. 

Entering her from behind, һе had one of 
beautiful hands on her breast, and one 
of his long lovely fingers stroked her, in- 
sisting that she come. She pressed her 
cheek up against his. "Thank you," she 
murmured, “that was that was steam- 
heated!” 


. 

Krazy basked іп the warmth of Kate's 
coming. While she watched Kate and Dr. 
Ignatz “doing it”—though she didn't yet 
understand what all exactly they were do- 
ing—she felt as good as anyone. Because 
Krazy wasn't especially guilty —not as long 
as everyone was doing it. But then, how 
could she and Ignatz ever return to their 
comic strip? She kicked her long, limber 
legs up in the air, banging the table. They 
had to do it again! 

Ej 


SUSAN DEY (continued fum page 149) 


“This guy said, ‘Weren't you in “First Love"?' 
I knew he was thinking of the moles on my breast.” 


1 became anorexic, I think it was a need to 
feel control. “I can control this cating 
thing. ГИ just have half” And classically 
with young women, it’s a denial of your 
sexuality. You starve yourself to the point 
where you have no breasts and you do not 
menstruate. I had just arrived in Califor- 
nia. I had a great job and I was busy and I 
just didn’t want to have to deal with that. 

It went on for about a year and a half, 
and by then I'd begun to feel comfortable 
with my life, more secure. And I was 
around people who were cating normally, 
and [snaps fingers] like that I started cat- 
ing again. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: Once the final Partridge episode 
had been put to roost, you started appear- 
ing in TV movies as a child beater, a teen 
jailbird—roles that were very different 
from Laurie Partridge. Was that a break- 
the-image move? 

: No. I didn't see my image as a prob- 
lem. I really was happy about ending the 
series. But then I thought, Now what? It 
had been my first acting experience, and I 


didn’t know that after every job, actors al 
ways wonder if they'll ever work again. 
Pd led a really protected life. And I was 
scared about finances. The money on The 
Partridge Family was absolutely nothing. 
At the end, I was making $1100 a week. 
That was in the fourth year. 

So I signed with [Partridge co-stars] 
Shirley [Jones] and David [Cassidy]'s 
manager, Ruth Aarons. And I did these 
roles. Young women in peril. “My broth- 
er's been busted for drugs." Or "Some- 
body stuck a needle in my arm and now 


Pin doing porno films.” It was the era of 


melodrama. Some of them were really 
good, good pieces. Melodramatic but 
good. I mean, Terror on the Beach, in which 
Dennis Weaver played my father and Es- 
telle Parsons my mother and we all got 
attacked by thugs, was not exactly a gi 
But the imprisonment one, Cage Without a 
Key, was considered hot. Wonderful to get. 


10. 


тлувоу: All of which led to the motion 
picture First Love and your much-publi- 
cized nude scene. Was it difficult for you to 


take off your clothes in front of the camera? 
теу: Nope. I mean, every single time I 
walk onto a set, I feel slightly hysterical. 
But that was a wonderful shoot and it was 
my first real film. The nudity was not a 
problem for me at all. Not at the time. 
This was before cable. This was before 
cassettes. My assumption was, Sure, Um 
going to do this, but how long will the film 
stay in the theaters? But I was in a bank 
about three years after the film was re- 
leased and this guy came up to me and 
Weren't you in First Love?” He had 
just seen it on cable. And I knew he was 
king of the moles on my breast. I just 
knew it. And I thought, Oh, and he proba- 
bly taped it, too. 


11. 


п.дүвоү: In the movie Looker, you played a 
model. Did your modeling experience 
come flooding back? 

DEY: A lot of it came back. How do I look 
and who's at the party and what’s my next 
job and where do you get your nails done? 
And it was fun being that kind of person 
For a while, Because there was an actors’ 
strike, I had the luxury of being able to 
prep for the role. Went to the gym every day 
and got that chiseled, untouchable look. 


12. 


т.лүвсү: Albert Finney played a plastic 
surgeon in that film. Have you ever consid- 
ered having one of them make the look 


PLAYBOY 


178 


even more chiseled? 
теу: No; in fact, [Columbia producer] Ray 
Stark said to me when I was 15 or 16, “I 
like you. We should have your nose done. 
Apparently he was joking, but I thought 
he was serious. And I just freaked. 
These days, 1 know I carry things 
face. Emotional pain. Stress. And I have 
learned recently, through—as corny as it 
sounds—loving myself more, how much 
control I have over that. I can release all 
the bullshit, but it's not easy. ІГІ get really, 
really tired of working on that, maybe 1 
will try plastic surgery. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Describe your worst date. 
bey: Гуе never really done a lot of dating. 
But two come to mind. One was with a 
musician. All we did was listen to his 
usic. I guess that was his way of commu- 
“ating, but it wasn't minc. 

Then there was a first date and a last 
one, as I recall. We were driving by street 
construction. And, just by way of conver- 
sation, I said, “There's something about 
those sawhorses with the little lights that’s 
great. Something quite artistic.” The next 
thing I know, the guy is out of the car, 
picking up a sawhorse and putting it on 
the back scat. When he took me home, he 
carried it into my living room. I told him I 
didn't really want it there, particularly 
because it had PROPERTY OF THE CITY OF LA. 
written all over it. But he left it anyway. 1 


D 


had to drag it outside. And, sure enough, a 
policeman came to my door and asked, 
“How did that get there?” And I looked at 
him unblinkingly and told him I didn't 
have any idea. 


14. 


TLAYBOY: Articles about you inva 


nention your preference for older me 
rue? 


hat's basically true. My first mar- 
riage was 10 an older m nd Pm 
engaged to someone who might be consid- 
ered an older man, But I think my life has 
been balanced. | have been attracted to 
young men, some younger than myself. 
When it comes to commitment, though, 1 
definitely favor the older man. 


15. 


тлувоу: Whar's the most romantic thing 
that has ever happened to you? 

эм: A birthday bed. To celebrate my 
birthday, a room had been reserved at a 
hot L entered, a birthday bed 
had been prepared for me. Lets see, how 
to describe it? I don't think 1 can. You can 
probably figure it out. There were bal- 
loons. And the gifts were not wrapped. 


16. 


т.лутоу: Aside from the obvious! 
anoresia problem, there have been reports 
of other unusual dicts in your past. Could 
you tell us something about the carrots 


id when 


“It's a happy hour that got away from us." 


episode and the doggy Milk Bones? 
pev: Right around the same time as my 
anorexia, I began eating so many carrots 
that I turned orange. Since then, someone 
has made an awful lot of money selling 
жепе to people who want to get last 
tans. When the doctor told me I was turn- 
ing orange because of the carotene in с 
rots, I should have started marketing it. 
As for the other, I did eat Milk Bones 
when I was a kid. I pretended I was a dog, 
Т used to get on the floor with our dog and 
use my “paws” to eat them. I loved them 
1 was very young. It was like sucking on a 
baby bottle. | have tried them since and 
found them disgusting. But my daughter 
asked if she could cat them and 1 said, 
“Absolutely: go right ahead.” 


17. 


Plavnoy: Would you be happy having your 

zhter follow in your footsteps in other 

Acting, for cxamplc? 

г: She's had offers, and recently, I took 
her to a luncheon for the L.A. Law cast and 
she said, “1 like this life." She is also inter 
ested ing. She has informed me she 
hopes to get a contract to write a bookabou 
me. It’s going to be something like Mom- 
mie Dearest, Chapter seven, she says, will 
be titled “Mommie Isn't a Real Blonde.” 


18. 


praynoy: People magazine called him the 
sexiest man alive, and you have to spend a 
ic in bed with him, but is Harry 
cally your type? 

[Long pause] Nobody's ever asked 
that before, and let me say this: There is 
1 my life. Only one. Arc he 
id Harry the same type? I don't think PIL 
answer that. Watch the show. See how 
Harry and I get along, 


19. 


piaynoy: Is it possible that Grace Van 
Owen is too tough, that audiences will 
stop finding her appealing? 
vey: There is a difference between being 
tough and being strong. There are tough 
ladies who are also very dependent on 
men. Grace is not dependent. [think that’s 
part of her appeal—her independence. 
But 1 don't believe this show is about 
ting characters that are appealing to 
keep the audience watching. That's not 
L.A. Law cocreators Steven Bochco and 
Terry Louise Fisher. In last scason's 


nwi 


episodes, just when you thought you were 
comfortable with the cl 
shifted 

20. 


PLNBOY: What's the worst advice about 
men vour parents ever gave you? 

pex: When I was still living at hom 
stepmother told me not to go out with a 
man because he was 37 ycars old. I was 
15, So, of course, I snuck out to sec him. 
If she hadn't said anything, I probably 
would have thought he was too old for me. 


E 


THE CURSE continued fom page 127) 


“The door opened and the girl walked in from the 
night, a girl he had never seen.” 


chest of a young man in front of him. 
He knew they were not drunk. They had 
been drinking before they came to his 
place, a loud popping of motorcycles out- 
side, then walking into the empty bar, 
young and sunburned and carrying hel- 
mets and wearing thick leather jackets in 
August. They stood in front of Mitchell 
and drank drafts. When he took th 
order, he thought they were on dru: 
later, watching them, he was certain 
were not relaxed in the way of most drink- 
crs near closing time. Their eyes were 
quick, alert as wary animals, and they 
spoke loudly, with passion, but their pas- 
sion was strange and disturbing, because 
they were only chatting, bantering. 
Mitchell knew nothing of the effects of 
drugs, so could not guess what was in their 
blood. He feared and hated drugs because 
of his work and because he was the stepfa- 
ther of teenagers: a boy and a girl. He gave 
l and served them and leaned 
against the counter behind him 
Then the door opened and the 
walked in from the night, a girl he 
and she crossed the floor to- 


never scen 


ә! Со Now York NY BO Pool. © 1907 Thistalepho 
очи 


ward Mitchell. He stepped forward to tell 
her she had missed last call; but before 
he spoke, she asked for change for the 
cigarette machine. She was young—he 
guessed 19 to 21—and deeply tanned and 
had dark hair. She was sober and wore 
jeans and a dark-blue T-shirt. He gave her 
the quarters, but she was standing be- 
tween two of the men and she did not get 
to the machine. 

When it was over and she lay crying on 
the cleared circle of floor, he left the bar 
and picked up the jeans and T-shirt beside 
her and crouched and handed them to her 
She did not look at him. She laid the 
clothes across her breasts and 
Mitchell thought of now as her wound. He 
left her and dialed 911, then Bol 
ber. He woke up Bob. Then he picked up 
her sneakers from the floor and placed 
them beside her and squatted near her 
face, her crying. He wanted to speak to 
her and touch her, hold a hand or pres 
her brow, but he could not. 

The cruiser was there quickly, the siren 
coming cast from town, then slowing and 
deepening as the car stopped outside. He 


what 


num- 


is void where prohibited by law 


was glad Smitty was one of them; he had. 
gone to high school with Smitty. The other 
was Dave, and Mitchell knew him because 
it was a small town. When they saw the 
girl, Dave went out to the cruiser to call lor 
an ambulance; and when he came back, he 
said two other cruisers had those scum- 
bags and were taking them in 
was still crying and could not talk to Smit 
ty and Dave. She was crying when a man 
and a woman lifted her onto a stretcher 
and rolled her out the door and she van- 
ished forever in a siren 

Bob came in while Smitty and Dave 
were sitting at the bar drinking coffee and 
Smitty was writing his report; Mitchell 
stood behind the bar. Bob sat next to Dave 
as Mitchell said, “I could have stopped 
them, Smitty.” 


The girl 


“That's our job,” Smitty said. “You 
want to be in the hospital now 
Mitchell did not answer. When Smitty 


and Daye left, he got a glass of Coke from 
the cobra and had a cigarette with Bob 
They did not talk. Then Mitchell washed 
his glass and Bob's cup and they left, turn- 
ing off the lights. Outside, Mitchell locked 
the front door, feeling the sudden night air 
after almost ten hours of air conditioning. 
When he had come to work, the day had 
been very hot, and now he thought it 
would not have happened in winter. Phey 
had stopped for a beer on their way some- 
where fiom the beach; he had heard 
them say that, But the beach was not the 


ч 


ү 


PLAYBOY 


reason. He did not know the reason, but he 
knew it would not have happened in win- 
ter. The night was cool, and now he could 
smell trees. He turned and looked at the 
road in front of the bar. Bob stood beside 
him on the small porch. 

“Ifthe regulars had been here . . * Bob 
said. 

He turned and with his hand resting on 
the wooden rail, he walked down the ramp 
to the ground. At his car, he stopped and 
locked over its roof at Mitchell. 

“You take it casy,” he said. 

Mitchell nodded, When Bob got into his 
car and left, he went down the ramp and 
drove home to his house on a street that he 
thought was neither good nor bad. The 
houses were small, and there were old 
large houses used now as apartments for 
families. Most of the people had work, 
most of the mothers cared for their chil- 
dren and most of the children were clean 
and looked like they lived in homes, not 
caves like some he saw in town. He wor- 
ried about the older kids, one group of 
them, anyway. They were idle. When he 
was a boy in a town farther up the Merri- 
mack River, he and his friends committed 
every mischievous act he could recall on 
afternoons and nights when they were idle. 
His stepchildren were not part of that 
group. They had friends from the high 
school. The front-porch light was on for 
him and one in the kitchen at the rear of 
the house. He went in the front door and 
switched off the porch light and walked 
through the living and dining rooms to the 
kitchen. He got a can of beer from the re- 
frigerator, tumed out the light and sat at 
the table. When he could see, he took a 
cigarette from Susan's pack in front of 
him. 

Down the hall, he heard Susan move on 
the bed, then get up, and he hoped it 
wasn't for the bathroom but for him. He 
had met her eight years ago, when he had 
given up on cver marrying and having 
kids; then, one night, she came into the 
bar with two of her girlfriends from work. 
She made six dollars an hour going to 
homes of invalids, mostly what she called 
her little old ladics, and bathing them. SI 
got the house from her marriage, and child 
support the guy paid for a few months till 
he left town and went south She came 
barefoot down the hall and 
kitchen doorway and said, “ 
right?” 

“No.” 

She sat across from him, and he told 
her. Very soon, she held his hand. She was 
good. He knew if he had fought all five of 
them and was lying in pieces in the hospi- 
tal bed, she would tell him he had done the 
right thing, as she was telling him now. He 
liked her strong hand on his. It was a pro- 
fessional hand, and he wanted from her 
something he had never wanted before: to 
lie in bed while she bathed him. When 
they went to bed, he did not think he 
would be able to sleep, but she knelt be- 
side him and massaged his shoulders and 


rubbed his temples and pressed her hands 
оп his forehead. He woke to the voices of 
Marty and Joyce in the kitchen. They had 
summer jobs, and always when they woke 
him, he went back to sleep till noon, but 
now he got up and dressed and went to the 
kitchen door. Susan was at the stove, her 
back to him, and Marty and Joyce were 
talking and smoki He said, “Good 
morning,” and stepped into the room 
“What are you doing up?” Joyce said. 
She was a pretty girl with her mother’s 
wide cheekbones, and Marty was a tall, 
good-looking boy, and Mitchell felt as old 
as he had before he slept. Susan was 
watching him. Then she poured him a cup. 
of collec and put it at his place and he sat. 
Marty said, “You getting up for the day?” 
“Something happened last night. At the 
bar.” They tried to conceal their excite- 
ment, but he saw it in their eyes. “I should 
have stopped it. I think I could have 
stopped it. That’s the point. There were 
these five guys. They were on motorcycles, 
but they weren’t bikers. Just punks. They 
came in late, when everybody else had 
gone home. It was a slow night, anyway. 
Everybody was at the beach. 
“They rob you?” Marty said. 
“No. A girl came in. Young. Nice-look- 
ust a girl, minding her 


The 
prehensive. 


nodded, and their eyes were ap- 


wanted cigarette change; that’s 
all. Those guys were on dope. Coke or 
something. You know: They were flying in 
place.” 

“Did they rape her?” Joyce said. 

“Yes, honey." 

“The fuckers.” 

Susan opened her mouth, then closed it, 
and Joyce reached quickly for Susan's 
pack of cigarettes. Mitchell held his lighter 
for her and said, “When they started get- 
ting rough with her at the bar, I went for 
the phone. One of them stopped me. He 
shoved me; that’s all. I should have hit 
him with a bottle.” 

Marty reached over the table with his 
big hand and held Mitchell's shoulder. 

“No, Mitch. Five guys that mean. And 
coked up or whatever. No way. You 
wouldn't be here this morning." 

“I don't know. There was always a guy 
with me. But just one guy, taking turns.” 

“Great,” Joyce said. Marty’s hand was 
on Mitchell's left shoulder; she put hers on 
his right hand. 

“They took her to the hospital,” he said. 
“The guys are in jail.” 

“They are?” Joyce said. 

“I called the cops. When they left.” 

“You'll be a good witness,” Joyce said. 

He looked at her proud face. 

“At the trial,” she said. 

. 

The day was hot, but that night, most of 
the regulars came to the bar. Some of the 
younger ones came on motorcycles. They 
were a good crowd: They all worked, ex- 
cept the retired ones, and no one ever 


bothered the women, not even the young 
‘ones with their summer tans. Everyone 
talked about it: Some had read the news- 
paper story, some had heard the story in 
town, and they wanted to hear it from 
Mitchell. He told it as often as they asked, 
but he did not finish it, because he was 
working hard and could not stay with any 
group of customers long enough. 

He watched their faces. Not one of 
them, even the women, locked at him as if 
he had not cared enough for the girl or was 
a coward. Many of them even appeared 
sympathetic, making him feel for moments 
that he was a survivor of something horri- 
ble; and when that feeling left him, he was 
ashamed. He felt tired and old, making 
drinks and change, talking and moving up 
and down the bar. At the stool at the far 
end, Bob drank coffee; and whenever 
Mitchell looked at him, he smiled or nod- 
ded and once raised his right fist, with the 
thumb up. 

Reggie was drinking too much. He did 
that two or three times a month, and 
Mitchell had to shut him off, and Reggie 
always took it humbly. He was a big, gen- 
tle man with a long brown beard. But 
tonight, shutting off Reggie demanded 
from Mitchell an act of will, and when the 
1]-o'clock news came on the television and 
Reggie ordered another shot and a draft, 
Mitchell pretended not to hear him. He 
served the customers at the other end of 
the bar, where Bob was. He could hear 
Reggie calling, “Hey, Mitch; shot and a 
draft, Mitch " 

Mitchell was close to Bob now. Bob said 
softly, “He’s had enough." 

Mitchell nodded and went to Reggie, 
leaned closer to him, so he could speak 
quietly, and said, “Sorry, Reggie. Time for 
coffee. I don't want you dead out there.” 

Reggie blinked at him. 

“OK, Mitch." He pulled some bills 
from his pocket and put them on the bar. 
Mitchell glanced at them and saw at least 
a ten-dollar tip. When he ran up Reggic's 
tab, the change was $16.50, and he 
dropped the coins and shoved the bills in- 
to the beer mug beside the cash rcgister. 
The mug was full of bills, as it was on most 
nights, and he kept his hand in there, 
pressing Reggic's into the others, and saw 
the sunburned young men holding her 
down on thc floor and onc kneeling bc- 
tween her legs, spread and held, and he 
heard their cheering voices and her 
screaming and groaning and finally weep- 
ing and weeping and weeping, until she 
was the siren crying, then fa into the 
night. From the floor behind him, far 
across the room, he felt her pain and terror 
and grief, then her curse upon him. The 
curse moved into his back and spread 
down and up his spine, into his stomach 
and legs and arms and shoulders until he 
quivered with it. He wished he were alone 
so he could kneel to receive it. 


PANIC IN THE SHEETS (continued from page 142) 


“What is this? Some kinky routine where I talk her 
out of her fear of AIDS so she'll go to bed with me?” 


years. I'ma bit rusty with small talk. Over 
lunch, we talk about the theater, her son's 
school, her impending divorce, her work, 
my work. She’s pretty and lively. We have 
a clear rapport. The cappuccino is 
brought and a silence falls, the sort of 
pause where somebody clears his throat 
and somebody else says, “Well, this has 
been fun,” and perhaps another date is 
arranged, perhaps for that night, perhaps 
for the next night. A night date, with all 
that that implies. The pause falls over the 
table, and in that pause she says brightly 
о. What do you think about AIDS?” 

I'm surpriscd at the question. It is only 
too clear that she's really saying, “I am 
thinking about having sex with you, and 
that makes me think of AIDS. 8 

I say, “Not mud 

“It’s all my girlfriends talk about. My 
sister wants every man to have a blood test 
before she'll go to bed with him.” 

I think, Im glad you're not your sister 
“That seems a little extreme,” І say. 

“Well,” she says, “you never know who 
other people have been to bed with." She 
is staring at me in a certain way, an ap- 
praising way, 

As if I were a purchase she might make. 

All I can think of to say is “Are you 
asking if I'm bisexual?” 


That is what she is a: 
“Then what?” 
“Heterosexuals can get it, too. They say 

a lot of prostitutes have it." Still looking at 

me, watching m. 

“Well,” I say, “I’ve been in an exclusive 
tionship for the past three years 


“All the newspaper and TV reports are 


n is pretty small. 

“So far” she says, finishing her cap- 
puccino. “But what about five years from 
now?" 

Her insistent contradictions confuse me. 
I don't understand where they are leading. 
Are we having an argument? Is she decid- 
ing against me? Is this woman so fright- 
ened of AIDS that she’s going to turn 
down a second date with me? 

“Who knows about five years from 
now?" I say to her. “You could be dead 
from a car crash next week." 

“True, true." She is nodding now, sud- 
den agreement. “I had a friend—she was 
always so healthy, watched her diet, and 
she died in a car crash." 

“You have to balance the risks,” 
nodding 

We are both nodding 
much better. 

“You really think the risk of AIDS is 


I say, 


Things arc gu 


overstated?” she asks, resting her hand on 
my arm. 

“I really do." I look into her eyes. 

“OK,” she says. She squeezes my arm. 

So what is this? I wonder as we stumble 
out of the restaurant into the afternoon 
sunlight. Verbal foreplay? Some kinky rou- 
tine where I talk her out of her fear of 
AIDS so that she'll go to bed with me? She 
must be weird 

But it turned out she wasn't weird at all. 
She was simply my first date in three 
years. And 1 hadn't yet understood the re- 
ality of dating in the Eighties: that every- 
body out there, male and female, is afraid 
of getting AIDS. 


. 
It's my friend Ellen оп the telephone. 
“You're a doctor. 


Aren't you worried 


“Pm not homosexu- 
al and I don't inject drugs and I don't have 
intimate friends who do. So, no, I’m not 
worried.” 

“How can you be sure about your inti- 
e friends?” 
You can’t be sure. 
careful.” 
jut there ıs heterosexual transmission." 


You can only be 


as a heterosexual of catching. AIDS is 
roughly the same as your risk of catching 
rabies,” 

She's confused. 
about rabies?” 

That, of course, is my point. 

Ellen presses on, unconvinced. “But 
what about Africa? Heterosexual trans- 
mission is commos Africa." 

‘We're in California, Ellen.” 

Vi 

“Tuberculosis is common in Africa, too. 
You don’t spend your time worrying about 
tuberculosis.” 

Ellen sighs, exasperated. “I don't see 

how you can be so casual,” she says. “The 
rest of the world is terrified and you talk as 
ifit were nothing at all.” 
"m not casual. I'm very aware that 
AIDS is a tragic affliction for certain 
groups. But at this point, it’s not prevalent 
among heterosexuals.” 

“Not prevalent? They're saying it’s a 
plague,” Ellen says. 

“Who's saying?" 

“Everybody. The papers. The news." 

A mass-media society offers its citizens 
many advantages, but accurate under- 
standing of risk is not among them. The 
media must sell themselves, and they do so 
by overstatement. This is hardly news. 

“A plague,” Ellen is repeating fiercely. 
“And an epidemic. That place in Atlanta 
says so. And I heard that somebody, a 
doctor, called it a scourge. How do you 
answer that?” 

1 ат getting ured of this conversation. 
It’s like a political argument: It has no 


“Rabies? Who cares 


PLAYBOY 


182 


end, no possible way to persuade the other 
person. Ellen wants to be frightened. She 
is much more comfortable being frightened 
than she is being reassured. 

Why, I wonder, is that? 

. 

A phone call comes to my office. Some- 
one wants me to speak at a medical con- 
vention on “AIDS: the modern-day 
Andromeda strain.” I get invitations like 
this every few wecks. 

“No,” I say to the caller. “I won't do 
that." 

"You'd be performing a public serv- 
007 
“No, | wouldn't. Because AIDS is not 
the Andromeda strain. And people don’t 
need to be made more fearful right now. 

For the past year, the rumors have been 
flying. The AIDS virus was manufactured 
by the CIA. (It unquestionably wasn't.) 
Mosquitocs can infect you with the AIDS 
virus. (Unproved and unlikely.) Doctors 
who care for AIDS patients are getting the 
disease. (None has, except those in a 
known-risk group.) One hundred percent 
of the population of Zaire now has AIDS. 
(Wrong.) 

So 1 am not going to add to the rumors 
in any way. I refuse to speak. 

"I don't know," the 


caller says. 


a lot of interest out there about 
the subject of AIDS.” 
That, 1 think, is putting it mildly. 
. 
Marilyn says, “I was going to hire Jim, 
but at the last minute, I changed my mind 
and hired someone else. 


“So I have a small office, and there’s 
only one bathroom. Everybody in thc 
office uses the same bathroom.” 

“You're kidding," 1 say, thinking, You 
wouldn't hire a ga: because you didn't 
want him using the same bathroom zs you? 

“IĮ just don’t want to take the chance,” 
Marilyn says. 

“But you can't get AIDS from using the 
same bathroom.” 

“I just don't want to take the chance.” 

. 

My friend Barry, who is gay, announces 
that he hasn't given up anal intercourse. 
"I don't seë why 1 should change my 
habits," he says. “Illness is all in the 
mind, anyway." 

"That's fine, Barry. But illness is also in 
the virus. Га stop having anal intercourse 
if | were you.” 

"E won't use rubbers, ейін I hate 
them. 1 just don't see why I should.” 


Bra 


“Actually, ladies, I bought this car used with those 


bumper stickers already on it. 


» 


“One reason,” I say, 
want to go to your fune: 

But I am thinking, Shit, what is the 
matter with you? You've got several 
friends who are alrcady dead and more 
who are dying. What's it going to take to 
make you wake up? This isn’t a matter of 
personal preference, Barry. 

I feel angry with Barry, because he is 
my friend and he is threatening me with 
the pos 
behavior the way Га resent any friend who 
told me he was going to commit sui 

“I can do what I want,” Barry say 
“Ies a free country.” 

I think, The only thi 
panic is blind denial. 


"is that I don't. 


ig worse than blind 


By now it is several months since the 
end of my relationship, and 1 don't wake 
up feeling sad anymore, and I am dating 
lots of women. And I am becoming accus- 
tomed to these inevitable, 
interminable, conversations about AIDS. 
It seems to be a feature of every new rela- 
tionship, something that has 10 be talked 
about. 

‘The panicky women blurt it out over the 
first dinner salad; the cooler ones wait un- 
til the second date or the third; but nobody 
ts into bed without a thorough conversa- 
tion first. 

And even then, the discussion doesn’t 
stop. The first conversation is a kind of 
statement of position: I'm afraid or Pm 
not afraid; I insist on condoms or 1 don't. 
The later conversations are different in 
character: probing, exploring and ini 
mate, with lots of looking deeply into the 
eyes. The topic may be clinical, but the 
context is romantic. And the subtext is / 
like you, but how much of a risk are you? How 
many people are you screwing? How many 
people have you been screwing in the past five 
years? How afraid of you should 1 be? 

1 begin to notice certain recurring fea- 
tures. The first is that everybody scems to 
be responding to the constant media focus 
on AIDS, rather than to any specific infor- 
ration Nobody ever quotes statistics. 

People are chicfly disturbed by the fact 
d iat AIDS is always on the network news; 
з everywhere you turn. 
illen calls again, “You who think AIDS 
isn’t such a big deal: I clipped an 
from The New York Times and sent 


1 got it." Standard stuff, no new infor- 

Along filler in the “Metro” section. 
Well?” 

“Did vou read the article, Ellen?” 

“I skimmed it. It didn’t frighten you?” 


“No.” 

“Why not?” 

1 try to explain about risk. 1 have re- 
cently noticed how few people really un- 
derstand the risks they face. People keep 
guns in their houses, dri 
belts, cat artery-clogging French food а 
smoke cigarettes, yet they never worry 
about these things. Instead, they worry 
about AIDS. It's crazy. 


“Ellen, Do you worry about dying in a 
саг crash?” 

“No, never.” 

“Worry about getting murdered?” 

ШЫСАЙ 

“Well, you're much more likely to die іп 
a car accident, or to be murdered by a 
stranger, than to get AIDS.” 

“Thanks a lot,” Ellen says. She sounds 
annoyed. “I’m so glad I called you. You’re 
really reassuring, Michael.” 

e 


Now we are in the realm of philosophy. 
Life is inherently risky. Everything you do 
carries a risk. You walk across the street, 
you take a chance. You cat in a restaurant, 
you might die of food poisoning. You go 
jogging, you could drop dead of a heart 
attack. You make love, you could catch a 
disease and dic. 

Through all of human history, sex has 
carried the risk of death, Even in this cen- 
tury, prominent statesmen and artists have 
dicd of syphilis. It is only in the past two 
decades that the combination of contra- 
ceptives and antibiotics led people to think 
that sexual intercourse was without risk. 
Now people are offended and angry be- 
cause risk-free sex has been taken away 
from them. And they are overreacting. 

I sce Tom at the gym. He's sweating on 
the bodybuilding machines; his body looks 
good; but he leans over and says, “To tell 
you the truth, these days I'd just as soon 
not make it with anybody at all.” 

It takes a moment to remember that all 
the great lovers of history, from Casanova 
to Sarah Bernhardt to Errol Flynn, carried 
off their amours at the risk of death from 
incurable disease. That didn’t stop them. 
And it won't stop us, either. We're justin a 
period of adjustment. 

. 

Her apartment, late at night. Pv 
been here before. She is on the phone in 
the next room with her ex-husband, who 
has called unexpectedly. I am in the living 
room, trying not to listen. T set down my 
wineglass next to hers, get up off the 
couch, walk around the room, touching 
things, looking. 

1 don't know this woman well; she is an. 
artist and a sometime model; bright, quick 
and full of contradictions. 1 know little 
about her background, but she is a terrific 
woman now. 

1 come to the bookcase, scan titles of 
books on art, on Italian literature, photog- 
raphy. She has lots of photography books. 
Idly, I open a few. Some of them have 
themes of bondage: male bodies in narci 
sistic poses, hard lighting, studded leather. 
‘The imagery is homosexual, though some 
women appear here, too. 

On one page, a picture of her among all 
the male bodies. She's nude and she's very 
beautiful. But she's among all these male 
leather-strapped bodies, 1 think, Uh-oh. 

I have a vision of the photographer's 
studio, all these people walking around in 
states of undress, talking, mingling. I have 


eve 


a vision of her bohemian artist’s avant- 
garde background stretching back over the 
years. Her life starts to look different to 
me. This woman isn't exciting and exotic 
anymore. She's dangerous. 

Now I'm looking through the front of 
the book, trying to find the publication 
date. How long ago were these shenani- 
gans? Nineteen eighty-one. Doesn't tell me 
much. 

She comes back into the room, blowing 
hair out of her face, exasperated. “Sorry 
about that. 

“It's OK.” 

She drops onto the couch next to me. 
“Гуе told him not to call late. I think he 
does it because he knows I have people 
over.” 

I'm thinking, How often do you have 
people over? How many? Any bisexuals? 
Any of the guys in these pictures? I dislike 
myself for these thoughts, but I have them. 

“Were you able to amuse yourself?” she 
asks me, sipping her wine. “Oh, I see you 
found the books." 

rcs 

“I don't look like that anymore,” she 
says. “Those pictures were taken years be- 
fore they were published. They were all 
done in 1975 or so.” 

Whew, 1 think. 

“Really,” she says. “I have to warn you. 
I don't look like that anymore.” 

“That's OK,” I say. “That's really fine.” 


In the face of all the fear and tension, 
it's possible to overlook some advantages 
to the new situation of the Eighties. 

After the age of 30, I lost my taste for 
swift conquest. | began to have other 
goals, other reasons for spending time with 
a woman, And by then, I had learned cer- 
tain facts, such as the fact that if you really 
liked a woman, you shouldn’t jump into 
bed with her right away. Not out of some 
old-fashioned idea of respect for her but 
cut of respect for the relationship you 
hoped to have, because there was some- 
thing about the sex act that tended to halt 
a relationship in its tracks, at least for a 
while, You stopped becoming friends and 
you became lovers, which was something 
else. So if you wanted a good relationship, 
an interesting and complex relationship 
based on friendship, you were better off 
postponing sex for a while. 

On the other hand, if you didn’t care 
about a woman, you could go right 
ahead—shake hands and go. Quick sex 
was, in fact, a way to get rid of people to 
whom you were only marginally attracted, 
a way to burn it out fast and efficiently and 
get on with other things. 

So, in my view, quick sex had become 
the very opposite of what the sexual revo- 
lution had promised. Quick sex was not a 
way to increase intimacy and communica- 
ion but, rather, a way to avoid them. 
Quick sex objectified the other person, 
made him or her into a thing. A sex object. 

But quick sex was the order of the day, 


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PLAYBOY 


184 


and in the frantic Seventies, most women 
expected it. I knew women who would say, 
“Listen, if I mect a guy I like, I want to 
fuck him before dinner, so I can get that 
tension out of the way—you know, so I can 
really enjoy my food. . ..” 

Back in those days, if you weren't inter- 
ested in quick sex, you had a bit of a prob- 
lem. It was necessary for a man to state his 
intentions. From another man, I learned a 
joke to signal what I had in mind. I'd say to 
women, “I don't put out on the first date.” 

The women would laugh, but they'd get 
the point. Usually, they seemed relieved. 
A few wouldn't see me again. But in those 
days, it was necessary to shift gears expl 
itly, to power down from the frantic erotic 
pace of the day. 

"That's no longer a problem. 

These days, nobody's in a hurry to get 
into bed. It makes relationships more 
leisurely and more serious. To me, that’s 
all to the good. 

"There's a time in a man’s life when he 
only wants to get laid and he doesn't care 
about love at all; and if he says he does, 
he's lying, because in truth, he’s always on 
the prowl. He can profess undying love to 
a woman as he crawls out of her bed, and 
by the time he gets to his car and puts his 
key in the ignition, he's already thinking of 
someone new. It’s nothing personal; it's 
just the effect of raging hormones. 

But after that time passes, other priori- 
ties take over. For me, love is the most 
important thing in my life. To mc, that 
means a feeling of closeness, of being un- 
derstood, of sharing ordinary things. My 
goals in a relationship are more modest 
now and, in a way, more ambitious. 

But I know you can't feel love if your life 
c a train station, with lots of people 
coming and going. You can only feel active 
and busy—so busy, you have no time to 
feel. Гус done that for periods in my life. 1 
know how it works. I'm not interested in 
doing it again. 

I want the best that life has to offer me, 
and | sense that the best lies in fewer, 
deeper relationships. In fact, I want only 
one relationship, This may be a difficult 
and frustrating path to choose, but it's 
what I want, 

Not because of AIDS, but simply with 
age, 1 find I have less interest in exploring 
the field for its own sake. By now, I've 
been around, I know what I want and 1 
would prefer to get on with it. The pur 
posefulness in relationships is mirrored 
by a purposcfulness in other aspects of 
my life. My writing and my free time are 
all spent with closer attention to outcome 
I don't want to waste my time. At 44, I 
don’t worry about impending death, but I 
don’t want to waste my time. 

E 

As the months passed, 1 began to notic: 
something else. Despite all the compulsi 
AIDS talk, there were some men and 
women who didn't mention AIDS at all. 

Lunch with Bill, a lawyer. Like me, he 
has recently ended a long relationship. 


"How's it going?” he says. “Meeting 
anybody? 

“Not really, not yet... . There's a lot of 
AIDS panic out there, a lot of frantic con- 
versation.” 

“I haven’t run into much of that,” Bill 
says, shrugging. And our conversation 
moves on. 

Bill doesn’t need to talk about AIDS. 

And Carol, whom I have been seeing 
occasionally for several weeks, never 


brings it up until finally, one night, having 
a late snack in the kitchen, I say to her, 
“Do you ever think about AIDS?” 


“Isn't it awful?" she says. “My room- 
mate's hairdresser has it, and she’s real 
upset. Poor guy, it must be awful for 
gays.” And then she changes the subject. 

Carol doesn’t need to talk about it, 
either. 

Carol is direct, comfortable with ü 
су, at case with her own sexuality. As I 
think it over, it seems to me that Bill and 
Carol and the others who aren't wound up 
about AIDS аге all people who are com- 
fortable with їпїтасу. 

In my experience, few people are com- 
fortable in intimate situations. In fact, 
most people are actively looking for ways 
to avoid intimacy, because even the 
thought of getting close to somebody puts 
them in a cold sweat. So they get very busy 
with their jobs (“Ѕиге, let's have lunch the 
middle of next month; that’s my first open- 
ing. ... Gee, 1 couldn't have dinner until 
May ol next year; sorry. ..”’) or they get 
very busy with their families (*Eddic has a 
sore throat, so І can't go out for the next 
six months") or they get very picky about 
their partners (“1 really had to stop secing 
him, because he was always five minutes 
late”), These are old mancuvers. Now 
there's a new one: They can panic about 
AIDS. (“I really don’t want to go out with 
anybody, because it’s just too dangerous, 
too dangerous.”) 

This puts the heterosexual AIDS panic 
ina new light. AIDS is a serious problem, 
but many heterosexuals accept the bad 
news almost eagerly, exaggerating the 
threat for their own purposes. Because in 
the end, it’s casier to blame AIDS for the 
way you live than it is to face the uncom- 
fortable truth that you're terrified of the 
very intimacy you say you desire. 

б 

As а writer with a professional interest 
in the future, I’m sometimes asked, “What 
do you think will happen with AIDS in the 
next few years?” 

T hesitate to answer. Because despite all 
the media attention, despite all the panic, 
1 don't think people have really acknowl- 
edged how bad this disease might become. 

My friend Linda works with AIDS pa- 
tients now, and she is full of what she con- 
lers horror stories. People with AIDS 
being ostracized, fired from their jobs, 
abandoned by their friends and families, 
having warnings spray-painted on their 
apartment doors. She tells these stories 


with a great sense of human tragedy. The 
unfairness of it all. The inhumanity of man 
to man. 

And my friend Wendy, a Washington 
lobbyist, talks about the “terrible preju- 
dice against people with AIDS,” as if it 
were similar to racial prejudice, without 
foundation. 

The media still talk about AIDS as if it 
were a civil rights problem, not a publi 
health problem. But AIDS is a public- 
health problem of massive and growing 
proportions. There is not only the problem 
of AIDS’ spreading, there is also the enor- 
mous cost of caring for what will soon be 
hundreds of thousands of dying pati 

Studies have shown that it is difficult to 
motivate anybody to use a condom, either 
to prevent disease or to prevent pregnan- 
cy. Additionally, we know that some peo- 
ple with AIDS people who know they 
are dying and who know they can infect 
others—do not abstain from sex and fre- 
quently do not use condoms, either. 

This means we have a problem. How 
can we prevent people who already have 
AIDS from spreading their discase, since it 
seems to be difficult to get them to act re- 
sponsibly on their own? What will we as а 
nation do to prevent the spread of this 
lethal disease? How far will we go? Forced 
quarantine? Incarceration? Internment 
camps for AIDS patients? Mercy killing? 
A black market in falsified AIDS-test doc- 
uments? 

No one is yet willing to consider the full 
implications of this situation. But every 
time I hear some newscaster or group 
spokesman refer to AIDS as a plague, I 
think, You don’t know what a plague is. 
And you'd better hope that AIDS doesn’t 
become a plague for our society as a 
whole, because civil rights will go right out 
the window if people become frightened 
enough. You think it’s bad now, a few 
thousand people getting fired, a few 
being forced out of school? This is nothing 
compared with what may be to come. 

Unless we are very, y careful—each 
one of us, acting as individuals. It's time to 
be compassionate but tough-minded, sen- 
sible but firm. Harsh realities must be 
faced. The discase must be stopped from 
spreading. Everybody's lifestyle must 
change in response to this threat. This is 
not the time to misunderstand issues of lite 
and death by casting them in the Sixties 
mold of civil rights or in the Seventies 
mold of sexual freedom. We're in the 
Eighties, and AIDS is forcing us to change 
our thinking and our conduct, whether 
we like it or not. 

But blind panic and unreasoning terror 
won't help us make this change. It is time 
to drop the panic, to inform ourselves 
about the facts and to transform our own 
lives appropriately and wisely. 


"nts. 


‘one of that going home to Grandma’s for Christmas for me! 
I'm having an affair in Philadelphia!” 


PLAYBOY 


186 


RUSSKI BUSINESS (continue rom page 131) 


“The dirty little secret 


of communism is that 


everybody, at heart, is a capitalist.” 


I was back at the bus, damp from the 
drizzle but rich, and flushed from the 
adventure. 

OK, I guess I thought (if I thought at 
all), we are not supposed to be doing this. 
But where's the harm? He wants the rain- 
coat; | want rubles to buy more book 
about the Soviet Union; the Soviets proba- 
bly want me to have more such books— 
“Meer ee druzhba!” This was the greeting 
we got everywhere (“Peace and friend- 
ship!”), and I didn’t see how a little East- 
West trade violated its spirit. 1 guess, at 
heart, even then, I was a capitalist. The 
dirty little secret of communism, if you ask 
me, is that everybody, at heart, is a capital- 
ist. But ГИ get to that. 
ight now we had traveled a couple of 
cities deeper into Russia and were camped 
on the outskirts of Kharkov. Tanya and 
Tonya, our two Intourist guides—sup- 
plied by the government whether you 
wanted them or not—accompanied us into 
town each morning. [t was their hope that 
all 20 of us, plus our fractious leaders, 
would stand dutifully in front of each stat- 
uc and muscum exhibit while they ex- 
plained, in sl 


significance. We were not tech 
quired 10 do so, however—i 
"best" that we do—so my 
(the genetic cpidemiologist) and I began 
striking out on our own. Mark supplied an 
uncanny sense of direc nd consider- 
able courage; I supplied the subtitles 
would go up to people on the Moscow sub- 
way (for example) and, nervous and em- 
barrassed but also a little giddy, say 
“Guess where we're from!" 

The moon, they were probably thinki 
but "Germany?" they would guess 
ly. "New York!” 1 would grinning, 
certain this would please them very much. 

1 can't imagine now ever having done 
such a thing, let alone what Га do next. 
But I was completely caught up in the 
flush of discovering that Russians were 
nice people, too, and that the Soviet con- 
stitution, like ours, was filled with unas- 
sailably high-minded principles. Kennedy 
and Khrushchev were finally beginning 
to come to terms—the nuclear-test-ban 
treaty was signed that summer in Mos- 
cow—and Í was more than a little tak- 
en with the fact that we were not qi as 
perfect as Pd been taught (well, what 


“How about if I just blow you while I hum 
‘White Christmas?” 


about unemployment and racial oppres- 
sion and slums in the shadows of skyscrap- 
ers?) nor communism quite as malevolent 
(what's so awful about "From each ac- 
cording to his abilities. to each according 
to his nceds"?). 

So my next question, once I'd captured 
their attention, was usually something like 
"Excuse me, but may I ask what kind of 
work you do?” And then: “How much are 
you paid per week?” 

Amazingly—perhaps 
could sce I was brimming with good will, 
if ever so slightly short on tact—most of 
them told me. (They earned about $150 a 
month, as I recall, which was more than 
enough, because there wasn't much avail- 
able to buy.) One even invited us back to 
his flat—an 87 x 15' high-ceilinged room 
with a hot plate and a pile of newspapers 
and vodka bottles in the corner 

‘The point is, Mark and I were not your 
model tour members, and 1 think this had 
been noticed. 

There had already been a couple of oth- 
er approaches since my first score with the 
raincoat (“Blue djzheen 
us quietly. “Dj ah 
and now, waiting for the group to assem- 
ble outside the Intourist hotel in Kharkov, 
pproached by a man intent on do- 
ted in 
finding out what he did for a living and 
what he carned—I had to keep something 
to wear—but he was insistent. He pulled 
out a huge wad of multicolor ruble notes 
and ollered to buy whatever I had—shoes, 
shirts, anything. I said I didn’t have much 
and that I didn't think it would fit him, 
but I could get my suitcase from out of the 
bus if he wanted to look. This was а partic- 
ularly dumb idea, he told me (with 
eyebrows) we should meet 


because they 


would as 


place е. Where was 1 
with hindsight, I think he knew all along 
where Ew; ing. At the time, though. 


it never crossed my mind that 1 was being 
set up. so I told him we were staying at the 
npsite. Did he know where it was? Yes, 
he'd meet me outside the gate at six that 
evening. Bring clothes. 

Mark and I hid in the grass by the gate 
with what little we could spare. I had 
already purchased and mailed home a 
ten-volume colorfully illustrated Soviet 
childre encyclopedia ($44). I was run- 
ning short of funds and cager to buy more 
books. I was excited by my growing exp: 
tise in Soviet economics (I knew what just 
about everybody earned) and enthu tie 
about the sides of comm m American 
textbooks conveniently overlooked (a d 
tortion matched by the section on the U 
in my Soviet children's encyclopedia). 

A little after six, Ivan showed up with 
an empty suitcase and his wad of bills. He 
would make the exchange across the road, 
in the woods, he said—and just with me, 
not Mark 


me 
ta few yards into the forest and, 
just as Ivan was making a big show of 


PLAYBOY 


188 


holding up a pair of pants to appraise their 
value and fit, who should happen to come 
walking through the woods but two Sovict 
“citizen policemen.” 

In a bad novel, the dialog would have 
gone something like this (which is how it 
did go, only in Russian): 

“What goes on here?” they barked. 

“Nothing. Mind your own business,” 
Ivan snapped back. 

"Grab him, comrade!’ one of the tall, 
becfy Russians shouted, grabbing me at 
the same time. 

A scuffle ensued (doesn’t it always?), 
Ivan struggling vainly (invariably how 
people struggle in bad novels, though to 
me it suggests a fellow struggling with an 
eye toward how he looks while struggling) 
to break his captor's grip; I, my heart 
in my shoes, standing there limp, reali 
ing that—out of nowherc—my life had 
come to an end at the age of 16 in the 
woods outside a campsite outside Kharkov. 

I didn't think they'd literally shoot me, 
of course. But even six months in Siberia 
would seriously disrupt my plans. 

Coincidentally, the citizen police—who 
had just happened by at that precise mo- 
ment— had a key toa nearby shack. Coin- 
cidentally, too, one of them spoke enough 
English to interrogate me and had pen and 
paper ready for my confession. 

I was not read my rights, because I had 
no rights. J was not allowed a phone call to 
let Mark and the Quakers know I'd never 
scc them again, because it doesn’t work 
that way (and the phones thcuisclvcs 
didn’t work real well, either, and there 
were no phone directories). Instead, for 
four hours, we went back and forth in Eng- 
lish, they asking me what I had been do- 
ing, J—normally far too well behaved to 
lie—telling a preposterous story that my 
interrogators, having almost surely set this 
whole thing up in the first place, knew 
was entirely untrue. (1 had gathered my 
dothes to do a wash, I said—shoes, too?— 
and had been lured to the campsite gate 
by this man asking me what time it was.) 

What difference did it make what 1 said? 
They could do anything to me they want- 
cd. And since wc'd been warned on our 
way in not to sell anything, I couldn't say 
they were entirely out of bounds. I had not 
been a good guest in their country. 

They told me that Ivan, supposedly in 
another room (but probably home for din- 
ner by now), would be shot. But J got off 
easy. Because I was so young, I would be 
given a second chance. “Don’t do it 
again,” they told me. And then, simple as 
that, I was allowed to run back to the 
campsite. That should keep the little bas- 
tard in line for the rest of the trip, they 
must have been thinking. And (until we 
got to Poland) it did. 

Now, here's the problem with commu- 
nism: Its human nature to be sclfish. It’s 
human nature to be competitive. It’s hu- 
man nature to respond to incentives. Even 
the Iranians dying “selflessly” for the 
cause are doing it because they believe 


they'll get а terrific heavenly reward. 
(Well, aren’t they?) 

There was a bomb scare at the Pan Am 
Building in New York a couple of years 
ago. Quick! Everybody out of the building! 

At one brokerage office there, all 
the salaricd personncl—secrctarics and 
clerks—went downstairs to enjoy the aft- 
ernoon. All the commissioned reps—the 
brokers—stayed glued to the phones. 

Whether it’s in New York or Paris or 
Peking or Moscow, people respond to in- 
centives. This is the first rule of economics, 
As 1 say, those incentives need not be 
purely monetary. There's the incentive of 
getting your picture on the wall as em- 
ployee of the month; there’s the incentive 
of doing a job because you believe it 
should get done. But monetary incen- 
tives—which are a surrogate for comfort 
and leisure and security and a competitive 
measure of sclfworth (however falsc)— 
loom large. Tell a Sovict factory manager 
to produce 100,000 pairs of shoes within a 
certain budget and he will—only they'll 
all be the same size (it’s cheaper than re- 
tooling in the middle of each run) and they 
will be small (it takes less material) and 
they will be entirely without style (how do 
you specify panache?). His incentive is 
simply to fill the quota. 

The beautiful thing about the free mar- 
ket is that it hamesses man’s natural 
selfishness for the benefit of all. If you 
provide what people want, you'll get what 
you want. You don't need an elaborate cen- 
tal plan or an arcane set of imerwoven 
incentives (a la the U.S. tax code). Adam 
Smith’s “invisible hand” takes care of cv- 
erything. Or a lot, anyway. 

There are, naturally, places where indi- 
vidual free enterprise must be balanced 
against broader community interests 
(which is presumably why I was taken into 
an interrogation room and strip-searched 
by U.S. Customs agents when I returned 
to Idlewild Airport that summer—somc- 
thing about a crackdown on kids bringing 
switchblades into the country, they told 
me when they discovered I was clean) — 
but by and large, we make those adjust- 
ments, too, for our own selfish good. Some 
of thc motivation of our social programs is 
selfless—once we're well off, we really do 
like to see others nearly as well off (just as 
long as they are not better off). But some 
of it is “I could need that benefit myself 
one day” or “If we don't do this, the poor 
will rise up and take what we have" or “In 
the long run, our economy will be stronger 
if these people can read”—all fundamen- 
tally practical, selfish motives. 

Gorbachev seems to recognize a lot of 
this, just as the Chinese have. He has tak- 
en dramatic steps to open the Soviet 
Union to modern Western influences and 
to Western-style critical debate. He has 
taken dramatic steps toward legalizing in- 
dividual free enterprise and toward Ictting 
the profit motive, rather than central-gov- 
ernment planning, drive the workings of 
the economy. 


If he's not derailed by the entrenched 
bureaucracy, the Soviet system will look a 
lot more like our own than it ever has. 
That is not to say it will be the same. 
Ownership of most assets (factories, large 
farms, mineral resources) is likely to re- 
main mostly in collective hands. But that's 
a different social system, not an evil one. 

Our society has itself moved toward so- 
cialism in the years since the Russian Rev- 
olution. Back then, there was no income 
tax or estate tax or Social Security tax to 
speak of, all three of which massively re- 
distribute income from the prosperous to 
the less so (and all of which most of us, at 
least grudgingly, acknowledge are worth 
while). And anyone who thinks we have an 
cconomy free of Government controls has 
never tried to start or run a business. 
There are tens of thousands of pages of 
regulations trying to safeguard the broad- 
er social interest from the individual inter- 
ests of unrestrained capitalism. 

If the Gorbachev restructuring pro- 
ceeds, our two systems, while still decid- 
edly different (and ours still, for me, 
decidedly better), will be approaching 
more or less the same center from different 
ends. We assume capitalism and modify it 
for the greater good. They assume social- 
ism but hope to make it work by harness- 
ing the power of free-market economics. 
Both—in theory—aim toward healthy, 
happy, productive, equitable societies. 

Humans being humans, lots goes 
wrong. Here is Castro, the quintessential 
revolutionary, reported in Time this past 
summer as having 14 villas and a Несі of 
yachis. Here are American capitalists ex- 
changing suitcases of cash in mindless pur- 
suit of more, American politicians doing 
back-room deals because it’s in their 
selfish interest to do so. The Soviets have 
Afghanistan and Czechoslovakia and 
Hungary; we have Vietnam. 

This is not to say that because we both 
fall short of our respective ideals, we are 
morally equal. The Soviets doubtless be- 
lieve that the selflessness of their revolu- 
tion and their social vision is superior to 
ours. We believe (and we're right!) that 
our system, particularly as it has worked 
ош and is likely to continue to work out in 
reality—not in theory—is superior 

But under the kind of Soviet Union Gor- 
bachev scems to envision, there is no fun- 
damental reason the two systems must be 
at war, Cold or otherwise. 

Unless, that is, also human nature 
to require an enemy—which one might 
easily conclude. Teams work best when 
they're competing to beat (not just play) 
other teams. 

Failing a team of malevolent Martians, 
the challenge of the next century will be 
substituting enemies such as hunger and 
poverty and disease for the traditional cnc- 
mies it is easier to grab by the throat, 
throtile and shoot in the head. 

With that thought in mind, holiday rev- 
elers, peace on earth, good will toward 
men. And women. And Mr. Gorbachev. 


GOOD RIDDANCE 


(conlinued from page 86) 


“The Sixties were a time when everyone in America 
exhaled in unison to inflate the era to epic size.” 


Gordon Wright, former diplomat and emi- 
nent historian. The Panthers arrived carly 
in the afternoon in their black-leather 
jackets and sunglasses, looking like some 
lost Nazi legion whose skin color had 
changed during the Diaspora. Genet, a 
small Frenchman with bad teeth and 
shabby clothes, spoke through a young 
woman interpreter on loan from Ramparts 
magazine. He praised the Panthers’ au- 
thenticity (a characteristic he said he also 
admired їп the Marquis de Sade, whom he 
praised as “the greatest revolutionary of 
all, greater even than Marx”). The Pan- 
thers milled around in sullen incompre- 
hension as he talked. Discovering that 
Wright's son, a law student, had brought a 
black friend home with him on leave, Pan- 
ther Elmer “Geronimo” Pratt confronted 
the young black man in the kitchen and 
spat in his face, loudly calling him an Un- 
cle Tom and “an agent." When Pratt reap- 
peared in the living room, the white guests 
pretended not to notice. 

Not long after the cocktail party began, 
an unexpected guest dropped in. It was 
author and Merry Prankster Ken Kesey, 
who hung around the fringes of the Stan- 
ford scene. Oblivious to the Panthers, 
Kesey, his eyes cloudy with drugs and an 
out-of-plumb smilc on his facc, said that 
he had come because he had heard that a 
great French writer was there, and since 
he was a great writer, too, it seemed a 
good thing that they should meet. 

The guests sensed that a portentous mo- 
ment was approaching as Sartre’s Saint 
Genet, déraciné homosexual outlaw, and 
Tom Wolfe’s Saint Kescy, picaresque hero 
of the acid test, shook hands. In what 
seemed an act of semiotics, Kesey flashed 
a smile that showed that one of his front 
teeth had a cap in the form of an American 
flag. Genet, self-conscious because of his 
own chipped and discolored teeth, was de- 
lighted by the desecration and laughed out 
loud. Kesey pointed down at his feet. “I’m 
wearing green socks,” he said with a 
beatific look on his face. Genet frowned 
uncomprehendingly as Kesey kept on talk- 
ing: “Green socks, Can you dig i? Green 
socks. They're heavy, man, very heavy.” 
‘Trying to keep up, the interpreter rendered 
the remarks literally: “Les chaussettes 
vertes. Elles sont très, très lourdes." Genet 
looked down at Kesey's feet with the be- 
ginnings of sympathy. But before he could 
commiserate with him over the fact that he 
had somehow been condemned to wear 
heavy green objects around his ankles, 
Кезеу? attention had lurched off in anoth- 
cr dircetion. Pointing at the Black Pan- 
thers, he said to Genet, “You know what? I 
feel like playing basketball. There’s noth- 


ing better than playing basketball with 
Negroes. I could go for a little one on one 
with some of these Negroes right now.” 

So taken aback by the boyish innocence 
of Kesey’s manner that they momentarily 
failed to grasp the implications of his 
words, the Panthers stared at him. Then 
one of them moved forward threateningly. 
David Hilliard stopped him: “Stay cool, 
man. This motherfucker is crazy, and 
we're getting the fuck out of here." 

The Panthers left, pulling Genet along 
with them. The diminutive Frenchman 
turned and glanced at Kesey, shrugging 
slightly as if to indicate that left to his own 
devices, he would just as soon stay with 
him and exchange bizarre comments 
through a translator, Kesey watched him 
go. "Wonder what's wrong with those Ne- 
groes,” he asked as the entolrage moved 
away. “Don’t they like basketball? I 
thought Negroes loved basketball.” 

D 


In another era, this would have been 
secn simply as an odd moment—two men 
from different worlds trying to communi- 
catc across a vast cultural divide. In the 
Sixties, however, such an event was rou- 
tinely regarded as an epiphany. We were 
fond of this term in the Sixties, because it 
tended to clevate the commonplace and 
infuse a sense of portent into situations 
whose heaviness, like that of Ken Kesey’s 
socks, was not otherwise discernible to the 
inquiring eye. The Sixties were a time 
when every man was his own apocalypti- 
cian, when everyone in America seemed to 
have exhaled in unison to help inflate the 
cra to epic size. Revolution, cosmic con- 
sciousness and other grandiose goals al- 
ways seemed just an агт? length away. 
Although separate in other ways, political 
radicals and counterculturalists believed 


together that the millennium was at hand 
and just one small push was needed to 
pierce the last remaining membrane—of' 
civility, bourgeois consciousness, capital- 
ism, sexual uptightness or whatever other 
impediment prevented them from break- 
ing on through to the other side. 

From its earliest battle cry—" Never 
trust anyone over 30” — until the end of its 
brief strut on the stage of national atten- 
tion, the Sixties generation saw itself as a 
scouting party for a new and better world 
It was the master of ceremonies presenting 
a “cultural revolution” that would release 
the nation from the prison of linear 
thought. It was the social horticulturalist 
whose “greening of America” would allow 
the long-stalled postindustrialist age 
finally to break through the crust of the 
Puritan past. It was the avenging angel 
that would destroy the evil empire of 
“Amerika” and free the captive peoples of 
color around the world. The Sixties gener- 
ation had created a new age, the Age of 
Aquarius, whose kingdom was surely at 
hand. 


Tt was an era in which the ordinary was 
special. For those of us who lived through 
the Sixties (and we were editors of Ram- 


parts, the New Left magazine), it was an 
era filled with moments such as that meet- 
ing between Genet and Kesey, moments 
stuck in the memory like a gallery of still 
photographs: Joan Baez singing Blowin’ in 
the Wind as free-speech protesters filed in- 
to a Berkeley hall before being hauled 
away in the first mass arrest; Allen Gins- 
berg chanting mantras before a Vietnam- 
protest march and gentling the Hell's 
Angels in attendance; Hunter Thompson 
stopping by the office of Ramparts with a 
duffel bag filled with pills that our mascot, 
Henry Luce, munched on before being 
rushed to the vet; Jane Fonda returning 
from India after breaking up with Roger 
Vadim, saying she was afraid the Sixties 
were passing her by and could we help her, 
please, become a leftist? 

It is little wonder that people who lived 
through the Sixties, or who felt the nostal- 
gia for it that such films as The Big Chill 


PLAYBOY 


190 


conveyed, regard this decade as the last 
good time. The images that remain are of 
youth—kids arriving in buses from all 
over America to converge on Haight-Ash- 
bury, kids sharing their dope and bodies 
with newcomers who dropped into their 
communes, kids with pictures of outlaw 
heroes such as Bonnie and Clyde on their 
walls. [t was a time of eternal youth when 
even adults acted like kids. 

That was the problem: In the Sixties, we 
never grew up, becoming instead addicted 
to irresponsibility and freedom from con- 
straint. Has any other generation ever 
been so successful in promoting its claims 
of Utopia? Looking at the era two decades 
later, we see only an image reflected in the 
glass of Sixties narcissism. We are assured 
that it was the best of times and the worst 
of times; a time of great idealism populat- 
ed by individuals who wanted nothing 
more than to give peace a chance; a time 
when dewy-eyed young people in the 
throes of moral passion sought only to re- 
make the world. Were they driven to ex- 
treme remedies? It was because that world 
was governed by cruel power. Did they 
burn out quickly? It was because a dark 
world needed their glorious light. 

The reality, of course, was less exalted. 
If not quite the low, dishonest decade of 
the Thirties, the Sixties was nonetheless a 
time when what began as American mis- 
chief matured into real destructiveness. It 
was a time when a gang of ghetto thugs 
such as the Black Panthers could be 
anointed as political visionaries; when 
Merry Pranksters of all stripes went into 
business as social evangelists spreading a 
chemical Gospel. 

If God had died in the Fifties, the victim 
in the Sixties was the “system,” that col- 
lection of inherited values and assump- 
tions that provides guidelines for the 
n ша! and the nation. As one center of 
authority alter another was discredited un- 
der our assault, we convinced ourselves 
that we murdered to create. But what we 
proposed to put in the place of destroyed 
authority—a new social order, a new sys- 
tem of human relationships—turned out 
to be dangerous Utopias infected with ba- 
nality and totalitarian passion. 

Nor did the baleful influences unleashed 
by this mischief remain quarantined in the 
decade itself. History doesn't work that 
way. Our own time remains trapped in the 
halflife of the Sixties. An epidemic of drug 
abuse and violent crime, a new poverty, a 
national weakness and confusion of pur- 
pose—these problems, more than hope 
and idealism, are the real legacy of the Six- 
s. To a remarkable and depressing ex- 
tent, the way we were then continues to 
determine the way we are now. 

. 

During the Sixties, we became a culture 
of splinter groups, people who identified 
themselves according to ethnicity, gender, 
special interests—a galaxy of minorities, 
united only by a sensibility that regarded 
society at large as an enemy. Within the 


culture the Sixties created, these minori- 
ties exist in perpetual adversarial relation- 
ship to America, inspired by assumptions 
about its malign intent learned from thi 
symbiosis between the black revolutioi 
and the war in Vietnam. This factionaliza- 
tion and division, this suspicion about our 
home ground is the enduring legacy of the 
Sixties. 

Liberation was the watchword of the 
Sixties. Where did it lead us? The AIDS 
epidemic that now threatens a greater 
death toll than the war in Vietnam sug- 
gests one answer to this question. Basking 
in the reflected glow of the Sixties, gays es- 
tablished their own liberated zone and 
pursued an ideal of liberated sex for more 
than a decade. Their bathhouses became 
institutional symbols and political organ- 
izing halls, as well as the sexual gymnasi- 
unis of the gay movement. They also came 
to resemble Petri dishes culturing the dan- 
gerous diseases that began to afflict the gay 
community. 

Public-health officials in San Francisco, 
Los Angeles and New York watched with 
alarm as a succession of venereal epi 
demics swept through those communities. 
In the past, public action would have been 
taken; this time, there was no action. The 
liberated gay culture was doing its thing. 
Public-health officials were too intimidat- 
ed to speak out, lest they trespass against a 
“minority lifestyle.” 

Even after AIDS appeared at the begin- 
ning of the Eighties, the situation did not 
change. In San Francisco, gay activists 
and their liberal allies in the political ma- 
chine that controls the city prevented ac- 
tion to close the bathhouses and obscured 
life-and-death matters with fusty Sixties 
rhetoric about “pink triangles" and “final 
solutions.” The political establishment 
caved in to this rhetoric and, during the 
crucial year when the virus first spread, 
stalled on warnings that would have edu- 
cated the public about the sexual trans- 


by many gay activists). Gay lead 
the public-health officials they so casily 
cowed refused to pursue strategies that 
might have slowed or even isolated the epi- 
demic for fear of infringing on the liberated 
lifestyle. With true Sixties gall, they indict- 
ed the Government as homophobic for not 
providing more moncy for AIDS research. 
It is now too late for the public-health 
measures that are a community’s first line 
of defense against a virulent epidemic. The 
AIDS virus is in place and has infected 
three quarters of San Francisco's gay men. 

The same lesson about liberation can be 
learned from social epidemics. The un- 
precedented increase in violent crime that 
has infected America over the past two 
decades is an example. The Si 's defined 
itself by its ellorts to delegitimize the police 
as an “army of occupation” while also cel- 
ebrating crime in the form of existential re- 
bellion and the outlaw as a perceptive 
social critic. There was a numbing barrage 
against what was derided as law and order 


seen in slogans such as “Off the pigs,” in 
the insistence that all prisoners were polit- 
ical prisoners and in the romanticization of 
murderers such as George Jackson, who 
deserved to be locked deeper in the prison 
system rather than becoming international 
symbols of American injustice. 

The Sixties raised incalculably what we 
now regard as an acceptable level of vio- 
lence and menace in our workaday exist- 
ence. Once again, however, the most 
prominent victims were the intended 
beneficiaries of this liberation—the black 
communities of the inner cities, whose 
members watch helplessly as crime tears 
their lives apart. But the social theorists 
and Sixties-nostalgia artists are as un- 
caring as they were for those they deliv 
ered into the hands of the Communists in 
Vietnam. 

Finally, there is the Eighties drug epi- 
demic, the end product of Sixties con- 
sciousness expansion. For people such as 
Ken Kesey and Timothy Leary, drugs 
were the weapons of a folk revolution, a 
democratization of the sublime, America 
Wonderland. For the political radicals, 
drugs were a short cut to potentially revo- 
lutionary alienation and a repudiation of 
the social mainstream. In 1969, during the 
People’s Park uprising in Berkeley, Tom 
Hayden participated in drawing up the 
Berkeley Liberation Program, which, 
among other things, recognized “the right 
of people to use those drugs that are 
known from experience to be harmful.” 
Belore, drugs had been quarantined in the 
social underground; now they were part of 
idual's bill of rights. This moral 
imbecility stood out even in the Sixties 
theater of the absurd. Yet the political 
ethos behind it survives to this day. Thus, 
The Nation, a leftist publication, recently 


against communism. . . . With its redo- 
lence of racism . . . its anti-Third World 
and anti-1960s overtones.” 

. 

New decades rarely start on time. The 
election of John Kennedy, however, was 
such a calculated attempt to break with 
the past, substituting youth for Eisenhow- 
ers age and “vigor” for the old President's 
evident exhaustion with the ambiguitics of 
the postwar world, that 1960 sccmed like a 
watershed moment. Kennedy did lend the 
office an existential brio, but his 1000 days 
were spent playing out the themes of the 

s. What we think of as the — 
that historical interlude that would have 
such a distinctive style and tone—really 
began the day the assassin went to Dallas. 
The "lone crazed gunman,” a specter that 
would haunt the era, had been loosed. 
J-F-K. became a melancholy ghost rattling 
his chains for the rest of the decade—: 
symbol first of its betrayed promise and 
eventually of its corrupted innocence. 

Even during his thre ıs in office, 
Kennedy had been a bystander of the most 
crucial event of the beginning of the 


decade. This was the civil rights move- 
ment, which opened America to its black 
outcasts. The summary moment of the 
rights movement came three months 
before Kennedy’s death, when Martin 
Luther King, Jr., stood in front of the Lin- 
coln Memorial and delivered his “I have a 
dream” speech. It seemed at the time that 
the speech might have set the tone for the 
Sixties. What was surprising about King’s 
movement, however, was not how quickly 
it arrived (it was pre-eminently a move- 
ment of the s) but how quickly 
passed. 

By 1965, when the “high” Sixties was in 
gear, King was on the defensive, under at- 
tack by a new radical generation. With 
Stokely Carmichacl as their representat: 
figure, black militants rejected попу 
lence and social integration, calling in- 
stead for “black power.” They used 
threats of violence to exclude tradi 1 
civil rights leaders such as Roy Wilkins 
and Whitney Young from their protest and 
put pressure on King himself. The torch- 
ing of the urban ghettos, beginning with 
Watts in 1965, provided the light by which 
the black-power movement wrote a violent 
and chaotic epilog to King’s history of de- 
cency and courage. 

King continued to speak, before dimin- 
ishing audiences, about peaceful and cre- 
ative change, about building a movement 
of love and hope. The black activists op- 
posed to him rode his coattails at the same 
time they were privately deriding him as 
“Uncle Martin” and “de Lawd." In a ges- 
ture characteristic of the nihilism that was 
coming to be the most typical feature of 
Sixties politics, they made it clear that 
they wanted no part of King’s American 
dream. They were not interested in being 
integrated into the system, which they had 
decided was irredeemably racist d 
wanted only to bring to its knees. King 
talked about brotherhood; Carmichael 
preached the doctrine that blacks were a 
“colony” and called for “national libera- 
tion” from America itself. 

The guerrilla army of this liber: 
was to be the Black Panthers. While g 
had enriched the national dialog on race 
and civil rights, the Panthers completed 
the debasement of political language and 
process with totalitarian slogans such as 
“OR the pigs,” “Power grows out of the 
barrel of a gun” and "you're either part of 
the solution or part of the problem.” As in- 
vestigations revealed later, they were kill- 
ing one another to resolve their internal 
struggles for power at the same time they 
were using rhetoric to titillate whites en- 
amored of “revolutionary violence.” 

Except for the Panthers! murder of a few 
of their own and their gun battles with lo- 
cal police, black militancy was primarily. 
talk. (In retrospect, 1t could be said that 
the only necessary implements of the Six- 
ties were a soapbox, a megaphone and a 
suppository.) But even talk had practical 
consequences. A daunting cxample of the 


ct that the rhetoric of the Sixties had 
y can be seen in the way the black 
family—a time bomb ticking with growing 
ominousness today—got pushed off the 
political agenda. 

While Carmichael, Huey Newton and 
others were launching a revolutionary 
front against the system, the Johnson Ad- 
ministration was contemplating a commit- 
ment to use the powers of the Federal 
Government to end the economic and so- 
cial inequalities that still plagued Ameri- 
can blacks. A Presidential task force under 
Daniel Patrick Moynih 


was 


ing blacks from sei: 
that had been grasped by other minority 
groups. About the same time as the pas- 
sage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, 
Moynihan published findings that empha- 
sized the central importance of family 
shaping an individual life and noted with 
alarm that 21 percent of black families 
were headed by females. "[The] one un- 
mistakable lesson in American history,” 

he warned, is that a country that allows 
“a large number of young men to grow up 


in broken families, dominated by women, 
never acquiring any stable relationship to 
le authority, never acquiring any set of 


tions about the future— 
that community asks for and gets chaos. 
Crime, violence, unrest, disorder—partic- 
ularly the furious, unrestrained lashing out 
at the whole social structure—that is not 
only to be c: 
evitable.” 
Moynihan proposed that the Govern- 
ment confront this problem as a pri 
but his conclusions were bitterl‘ tacked 
by the black radicals and white liberals 
joined in a coalition of anger and sclf- 
flagellation. The White House retreated 
before this onslaught and took the black 
family off the agenda. As Moynihan said 
later, “From being buoyantly open to 


ideas and enterprises, [Johnson] became 
near contemptuous of civil rights leaders, 
who he now believed car 
bols.” In his next State of the Uni 
dress, the President devoted only 45 words 
to the problems confronting blacks. 

Tt was a typical $ 
outcome—rejecting real solutions in favor. 
of demands that had been made with the 
knowledge that they could not be met. The 
consequences of this syndrome have, with 
time, become painfully clear. By 1980, 
poverty had become increasingly youth- 
ful, black, feminized and enu ed. 
Unwed mothers had become the nom 
rather than the exception in the black 
community 

It is a problem that the present-day 
apologists for the Sixties blame on the sys- 
tem, too. By as early as 1970, however, 
black families that were intact and living 
outside the South and in which both 
adults had a high school education had at- 
tained income equality with their white 
counterparts. These were blacks who had 
remained committed to the opportunity 
system King had embraced. But the radi- 
cal leaders who had pushed King aside 
continued to condemn the system and 
counscled blacks to buy out of it so vehe- 
mently that a commitment to self-better- 
ment almost had to be made against the 
grain of black life, In 1951, when America 
did have a racist system but did not have a 
selfanointed priesthood preaching about 
its evils, 8.7 percent of black teenagers (as 
opposed to 9.5 percent of whites) were un- 
employed. In 1980, after a decade and a 
half of Sixties rhetos 
black teenagers were unemployed. Obvi- 
ously, the bad-mouthing of America was 

iot the only cause for this disastrous turn 
of events, but it was an instance of contrib- 
utory negligence on the part of radicals. A 
part of the black community has made 


, some 38 percent of 


191 


PLAYBOY 


advances since 1960. But their accom- 
plishments are in spite of such Sixties 
figures as Stokely Carmichael, who fied to 
exile in Guinea after a frightening run-in 
with the Panthers, or Huey Newton, who 
has been charged with one fclony alter an- 
other since returning from Cuba. Their 
success is a reward for following King’s 
advice to commit themselyes to the Ameri- 
can dream, while others were remaining 
trapped in the sclf-pitying victimhood so 
adroitly exploited by radical demagogs. 

Black radicals who reviled King during 
his lifetime as an Uncle Tom now kneel 
with cynical reverence at his shrine, 
though they still reject his vision. Blacks 
still face poverty and unemployment, but 
chief among their disabilities are Sixties 
leftovers, such as Jesse Jackson, who have 
revived the anti-Americanism and infatua- 
tion with T World totalitarianism ex 
hibited by King’s radical opponents 20 
years ago. How would King have regarded 
Jackson's remarks about “Hymies” and his 
praisc for a black extremist such as Louis 
Farrakhan? Probably in much the same 
way he regarded white demagogs in the 
Sixties who talked about niggers and 
praised white fascists in robes. 

. 

Another reason for the degradation of 
the civil rights movement was the willing- 
ness of its radical leaders to buy into the 
notion, part of the vulgar Marxism in 
vogue during the Sixties, that blacks were 
victims not only of discrimination and 
prejudice but of the American empire it- 
self, of Amerika. Like other destructive 
ideas that fastened themselves like an exot- 
jungle fungus on our national sel-con- 
ception, this notion came directly by way 
of Vietnam, 

If civil rights was the central movement 

of the Sixties, Vietnam was the central 
fact. It informed the life of an entire gener- 
ation. The war was such a pervasive expe- 
rience that even noncombatants felt as 
though they had been waist-deep in rice 
paddies and occasionally experienced a 
sudden stab of fear at the swooping sound 
of helicopter blades. The war continues to 
be fought well into the Eighties, in litera- 
ture and film as well as in foreign policy. 
Should the U.S. have gone into Vietnam? 
Could we have won? 
To argue these questions is to become 
volved in battles long after the war has 
been lost. It is also to lose sight of the most 
important fact about Vietnam: It was a 
cultural occasion as much as a historical 
event. The destructive anti-Americanism 
that eventually came to characterize the 
era had been off limits, intellectually and 
morally, at the beginning of the decade; 
the Vietnam war was the justification the 
movement needed to cross the linc. 

‘The first antiwar protesis—by those 
who had been part of the civil rights move- 
ment as it developed under King—were 
responses to what was perceived as the 
humanity of the war. But this moral 


192 dimension in the antiwar movement was 


soon replaced by an irrational hatred of 
America and all it stood for. (The war 
corrupted everything—the people who 
protested against it as well as those who 
fought.) The movement soon determined 
that what it perceived as the lies of the 
U.S. Government must be fought by lies 


Washington of his country) to the strategic 
(North Vietnamese regular troops were 
not fighting in the south alongside the 
N.L.F.). Truth was the first casualty—in 
the war at home even more than in the one 
in Vietnam. 

After it was over and movement 
tivists” (as the media generously calle 
them) were looking for a way to make thei 
revolt seem like a patriotic act, they creat- 
ed the myth that they had detoured into 
hard-line positions because that was the 
only way to stop the war. In fact, Vietnam, 
like Voltaire’s God, would have had to be 
ап? exist, because itjustified 
mericanism that was part of the 
movement from its very beginning. 

As the war escalated, the treason of the 
heart committed by the many became a 
treason of fact for the few. In 1969, SDS 
splintered into factions, the chief of which 
was the Weathermen. That year, the 
Weathermen leaders and others went to 
Havana to form the Venceremos Brigade. 
While they were there, they held discus- 
sions with the North Vietnamese and 
Cubans that led them to return home com- 
mitted to a wave of terrorism cut short on- 
Ју because their high command blew itself 
up in a Manhattan town house. 

Like other wounds sullered by 
radicals, this one was өсі 
spite their incessant compl 
brutality, Sixties radicals lived for 
most part in a no-fault system, demanding 
their constitutional rights at the same time 
that they were denouncing the Cons 
tion. They knew they had the option, 
which many of them ultimately used, of 
diving back into the system when they 
tired of being extrinsic. (For that reason, 
New Leftism, though discredited in poli- 
tics, continues to thrive in the academic 
work of former radicals who returned for 
postgraduate degrees to the universities 
they had carlicr tried to destroy.) It was an 
example of the cynicism that marked the 
decade—the radicals were counting on the 
fact that America was exactly the sort of 
flexible and forgiving society they were 
condemning it for failing to be. 

Yet the war was hard to give up. Viet- 
nam was a powerlul drug. One of the 
sclfrevealing comments of the antiwar 
movement came when the Communists 
first agreed to negotiate. “We try, try, try, 
and then they sell us ош!” was the de- 
spairing response of one radical leader. 
Vietnam was in our marrow, We were ad- 
dicted to the sense it gave us of being in- 
vincibly correct and utterly moral—thus 
the fecling of emptiness that came over the 


“ас- 


ixties 


ixties generation when the withdrawal 
from the war began. 

By the time the last U.S. personnel had 
ingloriously left, Sixties radicals were al- 
ready searching for new connections (in 
Af and Central America) that would 
restore the high they had lost. They turned 
their backs on Vietnam. Their moral out- 
rage did not come into play when Hanoi 
took over in the south. The only “lessons” 
of Vietnam that interested them were 
those that confirmed American guilt. They 
weren't interested in the curriculum in- 
volving Communist genocide in 
dia or the imperialism of Hanoi. Their 
moral amnesia allowed them to ignore 
the fact that more Indo-Chinese died 
in the first two years of the Communist 
peace than had been killed in a decade of 
the anti-Communist war. 

At the same time that they ignored these 
realities, the Sixties radicals were making 
sure that the war, or at least their version 
of it, would linger in the nation's con- 
sciousness. Just as the Sixties had been 
dominated by the fact of Vietnam, so the 
postwar era has been dominated by the 
Vietnam metaphor. Until the Sixties, 
the dominant political image for American 
policy had been provided by Munich, 
which encapsulated the lessons of the 
Thirties as a warning to democracies to 
arm themselves against aggressors who 
talked about peace. But the Munich 
metaphor was repeatedly assaulted in the 
Sixties by those who claimed that it had 
lured us into the Southeast Asian war. In 
the Seventies, Munich was replaced by the 
metaphor of Vietnam, a concept with the 
opposite moral—that a vigilant democra- 
cy inevitably leads to “abuses of power” 
and that totalitarian Third World move- 
ments are actually manifestations of harm- 
less nationalism. 

The Vietnam metaphor dominates the 
politics of the Eighties as the Vietnam war 
did the politics of the Sixties. Whenever 
America even considers acting in its self- 
defense, opponents of such action merely 
invoke the specter of Vietnam. “Another 
Vietnam" is a curse on action whose effect 
no American political leader has yet been 
able to exorcise. Less an argument than an 
incantation, it has become an irresistible 
pressure for passivity, isolationism and ap- 
peasement. 

The current battle cry “No Vietnam in 
Central America” is the Vietnam meta- 
phor in action. The slogan smothers all 
distinctions of time and place that separate 
these conflicts and define their individual 
meanings. Playing on fears of another 
quagmire that would engulf this coun- 
try, this slogan becomes a persuasion to 
do nothing about the expanding Soviet 
threat. For nostalgic radicals, however, it 
is an unfulfilled wish. These people are 
like Japanese soldiers wandering in a cere- 
bral jungle, unwilling to admit that the 
war is over. They really want another 
Vietnam—another cultural upheaval; an- 
other defeat for the U.S.; another drama of 


moral self-inflation; another orgy of guilt 
and recrimination: a reprise, in short, of 
the Sixties. 

In the Vietnam metaphor, we have the 
tunnel at the end of the light. 

E 

While the nihilism that was part of the 
Sixties’ advertisement for itself makes it 
tempting to blame the decade for every- 
thing that has gone wrong since, to leave 
such an impression would, of course, be 
uncharitable and untrue. There is a sense 
in which it was the best of es. There was 
an expansion of consciousness, of social 
space, of tolerance and of experience itself. 
It was exciting to be alive, to find oneself 
swimming in the rush of history’s stream 
of consciousness. But while the beauty of 
the Sixties was that it was a decade of 
youth, its defect was an inability to grow 
up. It was constitutionally unable to see 
the other side of the ledger, condemned to 
ignore the fact that there are equal and op- 
posite reactions in society as well as 
physics, social costs for social acts. 

In the end, the works of Lennon deci- 
pher the truth of the era in a way that the 
works of Lenin, who enjoyed a brief but 
depressing vogue among radicals of the 
day, did not: “You say you want a revolu- 
tion? / Well, you know / We all want to 
change the world. ___/ You say you got a 
real solution? / Well, you know/ We'd all 
love to sce the plan.” But when all the pos- 
turing and self-dramatization were over, 
there was no plan, no idea about how to 
replace what had been destroyed. 

Schizophrenic to its core, the era was 
never clear whether its primary identity 
was that of creator or destroyer. Its am- 
bivalence was suggested by the two groups 
that dominated the popular music that 
was the great, perhaps the only real artis- 
achievement of the time. Was the inner 
voice of the Sixties that of the Beatles, in- 
nocent minstrels on a "magical mystery 
tour"? Or of the Rolling Stones, the van- 
dals presiding at its “beggar’s banquet”? 

For a while, these groups reigned jointly 
over popular culture, expressing the auda- 
cious delusion of the Sixties that it was be- 
yond consequences, beyond good and evil, 
able to have it all. It was possible to as- 
sault the cops by word and deed but also 
be safe on the streets, to reject authority 
and yet live coherently, to be an outlaw 
culture and yet a humane and harmo- 
niously ordered one 

Listening to the Beatles and the Stones, 
Sixties rebels registered these ideas with 
growing grandiosity, believing they had 
gone from counterculture to counternation 
once they planted the flag of discovery at 
Woodstock. A place consecrated by love, 
holy to the Sixties in the way the Paris 
Commune was to the Marxist tradition, 
Woodstock institutioi ed the right to 
live outside the rules. Unlike the doomed, 
inhabitants of Amerika, the citizens of this 
new nation could have joyous copulation, 
access to illegal drugs. If the drugs caused 
bad trips or the sex carricd disease, the 


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193 


PLAYBOY 


immigrants of Woodstock were there to 
care for their own. 

But the Woodstock Nation was an illu- 
sion as ungrounded in reality as the hallu- 
cinations induced by the LSD that was its 
national chemical. A few months after its 
founding, the decade began to draw to- 
ward its apocalyptic close. As a portent of 
things to come, the Beatles were breaking 
up. The title song of their last album might 
be taken as a recognition of the destruc- 
tiveness of the Sixties crusade against the 
established order: Let It Be. The Rolling 
Stones answered this act of contrition with 
the tide song of their album: Let It Bleed. 
"Then came Altamont, the Krystallnacht of 
the Woodstock Nation. At Altamont, the 
gentlefolk of Woodstock met the Hell's An- 
gels—not only criminals but suppliers of 
the drugs that were destroying the new na- 
tion from within. After the Stones had 
sung Sympathy for the Devil, a black man 
lunged near the stage with a gun in his 
hand and was beaten to death in front of 
everyone by the Angels. Devils and An- 
gels: It all came together and came apart. 


Appalled at what had happened and at 
the mayhem that ensued, Mick Jagger saw 
that the Sixties were over. It was time to 
go back to the dressing room, time to stop 
posturing as one of the “satanic majesties” 
of an era, time to grow up and simply be- 
come part of the rock scene again. 

All of us had to do the same thing— 
learn to live with adulthood. And so the 
Sixties has faded into gauzy memory—the 
good old days when we were all so bad, a 
time of limitless possibilities and wild 
dreams made all the brighter by the som- 
ber and complex world that succeeded i 
This is the paradoxical reason for the Six- 
ties’ growing appeal: It created the tawdry 
world that we now measure and find want- 
ing by comparison with it. 

‘There is truth in the nostalgia. It is the 
memory of the cra that is false. The 
Pandora’s box the Sixties opened is still 
unclosed; the malign influences released 
then still plague us today. The Sixties are 
the green socks around our ankles: heavy, 
man, very heavy. 


“In the final movement, the mood abruptly changes 


from despair to joy as the composer is awarded a grant 


from the National Endowment for the Arts.” 


HAIL THE LIGHT 


(continued from page 90) 

The bashers can correctly ridicule a 
brainless philosophy like “Don't trust апу. 
one over 30," but the song of the $ 
was also “No war toys," and I'd hate to 
lose that baby with the bath water of trivi- 
ality. One truth remains: You judge, at 
your peril, an entire decade and its ac- 
ists by the worst of its adherents. All but 
those who have a secret agenda for making 
us ashamed of our past understand that a 
time and a movement are evaluated on the 
basis of the best, not the dumbest. 

. 

Nothin’ happened in the 5 You 
really think comedians like Sam Kin 
son and Richard Pryor and Eddie Mur- 
phy and Robin Williams and Franklin 
Ajaye and “Bobcat” Goldthwaite would 
be working the material they’re laying 
down in comedy clubs and on HBO if 
there hadn't been shrapnel catchers like 
Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Mort Sahl, 
the Firesign Theater, the Smothers Broth- 
ers and Harry Shearer and David L. Lan- 
der with the Credibility Gap? Remember, 
if you will: Monty Python got going in the 
Sixties. If it hadn't been for jokers like 
Lenny, Elayne Boosler wouldn't be telling 
us today that she’s picking up CB mes- 
sages on her IUD; we'd still be picking 
bits of old Bob Hope routines out of our 
teeth. and spuds like Buddy Hackett 
would still be running loose instead of be- 
ing institutionalized in Vegas lounges. 

In the pre-sodal-consciousness days оГ 
Disneyland, kids with long hair were for- 
bidden entrance to the Magic Kingdom, 
and, some say, those who jammed their 
hair up under caps and slipped through of- 
ten found themselves patted down for fun- 
ny stuff by the security staff. By the end of 
the Sixties, rock bands had replaced Grin- 
ning Young American groups in Walt’s do- 
main, and attempts to prevent same-sex 
dancing were later knocked back so fast it 
made Tinker Bell’s tummy ache. 

In 1961, the first real awareness that 
television was turning us into a nation 
of functional illiterates, that it wasn’t 
universally a swell thing, was voiced 
by FCC Chairman Newton N. Minow, 
who told a National Association of Broad- 
casters convention, “I invite you to s 
down in front of your television set when 
your station goes on the air and stay there. 
You will sce a vast wasteland—a proces- 
sion of game shows, violence, audience- 
participation shows, formula come: 
about totally unbelievable families 2 
blood and thunder . . . mayhem . . . 
sadism, murder . . . private eyes, more 
lence, and cartoons . . . and, endlessly, 
commercials—many screaming, cajoling 
and offending. . . ." 

Did that have an effect on us here in the 
Eighties? 

The networks didn’t hear the song 


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Devin Reneé DeVasquez 


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Minow was singi nd today they've lost 
almost half their audience. As Santayana 
told us, “Those who cannot remember the 
past are condemned to repeat it.” The 
bashers of the Sixties, for their own rea- 
sons, want us to forget the Sixties—per- 
haps because the strengths that emerged 
from that time are counterproductive to 
their ends here in the Eighties. 
. 

Nothin' happened in the Sixties? The 
rise of black consciousness, black 
opening channels for all the black versions 
of Albert Einstein and Marie Curie and 
William Faulkner who had been denied to 
us for 200 years. The rise of the feminist 
movement, for all its Bitch Manifestos and 
bra burnings, unleashed a tsunami of cul- 
tural change by that half of our population 
previously kept barefoot and pregnant. 

We got: 

Credit cards and credit banking; oral 
contraceptives that demolished thousands 
of years of male fiat as to who would get 
screwed and by whom; space-program 
technology that gave us not only desktop 
computers and weather and communica- 
tions satellites but popularized Tang and 
Teflon coating for pans. (OK, so not every- 
thing was laudable.) 

Producer Edward Lewis broke the Hol- 


lywood blacklist by defying the conspiracy 
of silence and hired Dalton Trumbo to write 
Spartacus ... and gave him credit on screen. 

A fascination for the youth culture that 
has remained undimmed, prompted by the 
thorough domination of rock "n' roll, the 
Beatles and their haircuts, Mod fashions 
and total cross-country mobility. And all 
because the baby boomers’ demographic 
bulge swelled into late adolescence and 
young adulthood. This docs not mean I 
can listen to the Beastie Boys or Prince. 
But then, that, too, shall pass. 

On the plus side, we got Ralph Nader. 
How many of you out there are alive today 
because of his kvetching about auto safety, 
which resulted in the redesigning of cars, 
the installation of seat belts, frequent re- 
calls of death traps and consumer protec- 
tion laws? Truth in packaging. Truth in 
lending. Childproof caps оп cleansers, 
drugs, paint thinners. On the minus side, 
we got terrorism and skyjacking. 

All through the Forties and Fifties, we 
were told that rampant urban develop- 
ment was progress! Pave it over, tear it 
down, plow it under. In the Sixties, we 
learned that we are all part of the plane- 
tary chain—remember The Whole Earth 
Catalog and Frank Herbert's Dune and 
Denis Hayes’s founding Earth Day?—and 


“Гое got him! Now you hit him with the rock!” 


a magical environmental awareness blos- 
somed. The EPA was created in 1970, the 
same time America celebrated that first 
Earth Day. 

But by 1966, the Department of the In- 
terior—operating from a sancr philosophy 
of life than that offered by our recently 
posed sweetic James Watt, who told us it 
didn’t matter if he sold off the forests for 
McDonald's packaging, because the apoc- 
alypse is coming and we won't be here to 
enjoy them, anyway—had already gotten 
the rare-and-endangered-species list to 
Congress, and in 1966, that act was 
passed. Millions of acres of land were pur- 
chased by the Government for parks and 
preservation. Tough smog standards were 
clamped on a heretofore-unchecked heavy 
industry still trying to convince us (as 
Coolidge had said) that “the chief busi- 
ness of the American people is business.” 
Leading the environmental movement was 
the state of California, with higher emis- 
sions standards than anywhere else in the 
nation. From the land of the flower chil- 
dren, the Sixties bashers seem to forget, 
came the desire to breathe more healthily 

In the Sixties, women got “equal pay for 
equal work” from the 1963 Congress; the 
beginnings of success in sexual-harass- 
ment lawsuits; the National Organization 
for Women, founded by Betty Friedan; the 
removal of “women’s menus,” sans prices; 
the topless bathing suit, introduced by 
Rudi Gernreich, which led to a general 
abandonment by young women of bras- 
sıeres staved with metal that produced 
breast cancer; and, by 1969, panty hose to 
replace girdles, garter belts and nylons, 
unless one chose to use them in the privacy 
of the sexual arena. Martina Nayratilova 
would not today be a millionaire several 
times over had not Billie Jean King per- 
ceived that whipping the crap out of Bob- 
by Riggs was an object lesson for the sons 
of machismo, and not just a cheap show 
filled with megabucks. 


. 

Nothin” happened in the Sixties, O my 
bashers? 

Well, howzabout in addition to the Civil 
Rights Act of 1964, we got the Gideon deci- 
sion in 1963, providing legal counsel for in- 
digent defendants, and Miranda in 1966, 
ensuring a suspect’s right to remain silent, 
right to have an attorney present during 
questioning, right to have his brains left 
unscrambled by cops straight out of a 
Spillane novel? Don't say 
do with the Eigl : [n addition to turn- 
ing arresting officers into crybabies be- 
cause they can't use the truncheon as 
freely as they might wish, Miranda has 
made the writing of cop shows on TV 
much harder. They actually have to re- 
semble the real world now. Sure. 

The first community for older cil 
Del Webb's Sun City, opened outside 
, 1960. L.B.J. signed the first Medi- 


founded, "That's what the old 


got from the Sis 


1970. 


. And homosexuals 


fought back in the late ics, chiefly 
as a result of the constant police harass- 
ment of the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in 
iew York; that led directly to the forma- 
tion of gay rights groups, lobbies, newspa- 
pers, a forceful movement. Now, that may 
not be a very positive result of the Sixties 
sensibility, in the view of the bashers; but 
as one who had a good friend, one of the 
best men and best editors Гус ever know 
blow his brains out because he'd bee 
driven nuts living in the closct most of his 
life, I submit that the freedom of choice 
championed in that 13-year decade has re- 
sulted in hundreds of thousands of decent 
men and women’s being able to live in the 
Eighties in a somewhat saner atmosphere, 
Jerry Falwell and his “wrath of God” in- 
terpretation of AIDS notwithstanding. 
. 

Now we'rcon a roll. Kids became a sub- 
ject of concern in the 5 Not just leav- 
ing the tots to the tender mercies of 
parents who used them as cheap labor and 
whipping posts but beginning to consider 
them as people, with rights. In 1969, the 
got Sesame Street. Pras 
schools in 1963. Traditional resu 
ages of little boys and little girls, and what 
was acceptable for a boy or girl to aspire 
to, were thrown up for grabs. / 
brutality laws became a prime concern of 
city and Federal courts. 

You want to talk responsi y? Consid- 
er something as trivial as celebrity. Apart 
from those who, in any era, would be 
frivolous dips even if we were sloughing 
through a nuclear winter, in the Forties 
and Fifties, the social involvement of. 
celebrities was largely manifested by their 
narking on one another in front of the 
House Un-American Activities Committce 
or Tail Gunner Joe's All-Purpose Com- 
mieSymp Inquisition. In the Sixties, we 
saw a dawning awareness of the power of 
celebrity, coupled with a sense of personal 
worth and responsibility on the part of 
showbiz personalities and sports heroes. 
Muhammad Ali laid it all on the line 
rather than serve in a war he felt was 
wrong, a war he had the nerve, the gall, 
the chutzpah to point out was dedicated to 
killing his people and people like his peo- 
ple. He was busted, jailed and stripped of 
his tide. And some schmucks were so 
dopey on John Waync-ism that they sug- 
gested he was afraid to go. Tell that to Joc 
Frazier. 

The faces we knew from the coyers of 
the National Enquirer and TV Guide were 
the faces we saw in daily newscasts, 
marching through Alabama under the gun 
sights of rednecks and state troopers, be- 
ing schlepped across the pavement like 
sacks of millet during antiwar protests, 
working for Greenpeace and Native Amer- 
ican rights and The Southern Poverty Law 
Center, Marlon Brando, Jane Fonda, Paul 
Newman, Joan Baez, Burt Lancaster and 
even Vanessa Redgrave (like her position 
or not) demonstrated that merely taking 
the gravy and giving nothing back was а 


Fifties aberration. 

In 1968. Paul Ehrlich founded Zero 
Population Growth, Inc., and for the first 
time a great many fast-breeding Ameri- 
cans learned the ultimate horror of the 
Malthusian theory of geometrical popula- 
tion increase. Pave it over, tear it down, 
plow it under: filing cabinets for humans, 
color-coded structures for cars, and broth- 
er. can you spare a maggot sandwich? 

Does it all jumble, onc fact over anoth- 
er, onc event atop the next? Docs it have a 
breathless crazy-quilt quality that leaps 
pars and squinches history into a bewil- 
dering cube, like something burped out of 
а car compacter? Paraphrasing Whitman, 
“Do I jumble? Very well, then, I jumble. 
The Sixties were large; they contained 
multitudes.” It all happened at once, so it 
now seems. Not a day passed that the fab- 
ricof American society did not get redraped 
om a general consciousness being raised 
from its Quasimodolike bestial slouch. 

б 


the Sixties 
ghties? Coun- 
dependence in 
the Sixties, with which we now have to 
deal as part of the universal economic 


chain, include: Somalia, Ghana, Upper 
Volta, Senegal, Nigeria, Rwanda, Syria, 
Algeria, Jamaica, Uganda, Malawi, Zam- 


bia, Biafra, Guyana and Botswana, not to 
mention the 25 others I don't need to make 
the point. The bashers seem unable to 
make any connection between the rise of 
black power in this country at the time, the 
riots, the demands for an equal share of 
that mythical American dream that blacks 
saw on television every day, and the as- 
sumption of responsibility for their own 
destinics of black people in far places. It 
took the French 13 years after America de- 
dared its independence to get the mes- 
sage. But then, maybe black folks ain't as 
slow as Professor William Shockley and AI 
Campanis think they are. Maybe there 
was one of those sudden biological leaps in. 
intellect; after all, Amos 'n' Andy had been 
pulled from syndication in 1965, and 
there's no telling what that did for univer- 
sal black intelligence. It certainly did a lot 
for blacks’ self-image. 
ven our obese citizens benefited from 
the Sixties: Weight Watchers was founded 
in 1963—the year that gourmets realized 
Hydrox were better than Oreos. 

We came to learn 
person could make a differenc 
Savio's stand in defense of free speech be- 
ап campus unrest at UC Berkeley in 1964 
and culminated in the Kent State mas- 
sacre of 1970, thereby bringing to full, 
hideous circle an object lesson we needed 
desperately to learn, that the cost of civil 
disobedience in the service of the common- 
weal can end up b 
than a failing grade in civics; Martin 
Luther King, Jr., dedicated, and finally 
gave up, his life that part of a nation might 
scc out of the eyes of the other part; Rachel 
Carson almost singlehandedly raised the 


alarm that we were killing the earth be- 
neath our feet, alerting a gencration to its 
responsibility to something as arcane as а 
planet; John Kennedy, for good or bad the 
youngest President we ever clected, killed 
antipapist bigotry where the highest office. 
in the land was concerned and brought to 
his constituency a love of literature and 
the arts that not even Reagan can wholly 
flense from our priorities, try though he 
may; Ralph Nader went at the corpora- 
tions again and again, like some mad 
Quixote, till they clapped their hands over 
their ears and screamed, “Enough 
ready! We'll make it safer, cheaper, better, 
saner!” Those were the positive icons. We 
had, as well, the classic Jungian archetype 
of the trickster—madcaps like Ken Kesey 
and Hunter Thompson and Paul Krassner 
and loony Abbic and that 
lante who called himself The Fox 
peared in bright sunlight to dump £ 
in the pristine lobbies of Dow 
Company and the Rand Corporation, to 
bring the publics displeasure with war 
games to the very doorsteps of the sightless 
masters on far glass mountaintops 

And we had our negative images. Men 
and women who gave us pause at the 
depth and inventiveness of their ability to 
make the world a drearier, deadlier place: 
Charles Manson, Anita Bryant, Mayor 
Richard Daley, Spiro Agnew, John Mitch- 
ell, Lieutenant William L. Calley, Jr., 
the mad bombers of the Weathermen, Lee 
Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby, James Earl 
Ray, Judge Julius Hollman. Forget their 
names. They made us feel bad, and many 
of them are, thankfully, now worm food. 
They were that part of the learning expe 
ence of the Sixties that produced in us the 
occasional unworthy thought that maybe 
we ought to simply pack it in and let 
the cockroaches take over the ball game. 
But they had their place: They showed us 
what we'd be like if we continued to oper- 
ate off the status quo. 

P 

The jumble coalesces. The great Bayeux 
tapestry of the Sixties, from J.F.K.’s joy- 
ous Inauguration to Nixon’s ignominious 
fall from power, solidifies into one un- 
seamed memory. The good times and the 
bad times, the ri of blood and the 
brave winds of change. All the names that 
mostly mean nothing to high school kids 
today, as distant and chill as the Norman 
Conquest. But definitely not the revisionist 
horse puckey of the bashers. 

Is the current prevalence of reactionary 
attitudes a product of the baby boomers’ 
hardening of the liberal arteries? Where 
has all the passion gone? What happened 
to the great starts made in the Sixties, now 
backslid with erosion of civil rights, femi- 
nist imperatives, environmental concerns, 
humanistic philosophies? 

Even Rolling Stone has sold out. Gonsid- 
er its recent ad campaign. A ten-page, 
slick-paper explication of the magazine's 
stance as a journal oh, so au courant an- 
nounced, “If your idca of a Rolling Stone 


197 


PLAYBOY 


reader looks like a holdout from the Six- 
ties, welcome to the Eighties.”” On the left 
we see a hippie in jeans and Mexican wed- 
ding shirt, festooned with love beads, an 
elephant-hair bracelet on his wrist, auburn 
locks fit for a Biblical prophet hanging to 
his elbows, the beatific look only enhanced 
by the beard and the poached-egg eyes. 
Above the photo is the single word PERCEP- 
TION. On the facing page is the photo of a 
gently smiling, self-assured, clean-shaven, 
neatly coifled Yuppie in linen slacks, pi 
stripe buttondown shirt, loose-fitting Gior- 
gio Armani jacket and a look of such 
consummate smugness that we know with 
the certainty of those who were never i 
vited to pledge his frat that this demo- 
graphic rep of the 18-34 wedge is 
wondering whether there'll be a ticket on 
the windshield of his Porsche when he gets 
finished with this photo sitting. Over his 
head is the word REALITY. 

On succeeding spreads, we get as PERCEP- 
Tios the Day-Glo-painted hippie VW bus 
and as REALITY that smirking Yuppie's 
burgundy-toned, mag-wheeled import 
the rear-deck spoiler and the back 
scat only Billy Barty could love; you get 
the idea. The final spread for PERCEPTION 
is that weary disappointment Gcorge 
McGovern, arms outspread as he makes 
his speech, his hands open and a trifle pa- 
thetically imploring; on the right (oh, 
yeah, on the right) we done got the REA 
ty: Ronald Reagan, a grin as wide and as 
deep as the Cayman Trench, arms lifted 
and thumbs up in his best Gipperwin ges- 
ture. 

All that this little appeal to Miami Vice 
manqués lacks is a left-hand shot of back- 
yard-grown marijuana PERCEPTION with a 
dozen fat lines on glass of the best un- 
stepped Peruvian nose candy as REALITY. 

What a sorry pass it all seems to have 
come to. Technology pioncered in the Six- 
ties to better our condition of life has been 
co-opted by the recidivist Eighties not only 
to abet the Me Decade selfishness and 
lethargy of an increasingly conscience- 
dulled electorate—pocket calculators, so 
no one has to be able to add or subtract; 
digital watches, so no one has to figure out 
what it means when Mickey’s big hand is 
over his head and his little hand is in his 
crotch; cable TV and video cassettcs, so 
no one has to read a book that ain’t inter- 
active or a newspaper that doesn't sport a 
headline informing us that ““300-POUND 
MOTHER TRADES TWINS FOR COOKIES” —but 
that same technology has totemized the 
post-Me Decade sensibility. It has given 
the semiliterate, smug know-nothing a ca- 
chet. To rely entirely on the purchasable 
gadget is the mark of Homo superior. And 
since the President himself is all style and 
no content, a man who may not be a know- 
nothing but who doesn’t seem to know 
what he knows, or when hc did or didn't 
know that cachet looms large as 
reflected in the top man of the U.S. 

How did it happen? No big secret. No 


198 Codex needed to fathom it. Activists got 


weary after 13 years on the barricades. 
"Took a breather. The whole country took a 
breather. Out went Nixon, and we thought 
we'd bought some surcease. But, as we 
keep forgetting, the price of freedom is 
eternal vigilance; and in that vacuum of 
power, with the balming hum of Gerald 
Ford's motor in neutral, Torquemada re- 
turned with Reagan, Meese, Schlafly, 
Watt, Falwell, Ollie North and all that lit- 
tle gang of knuckle-brushing shamblers 
from the 15th Century, We snoozed a few 
years too long. 

Now we have the sorry spectacle of that 
Brightest Hope for the Future, the young 
of this nation, littering in a way that would 
have been unthinkable in the Sixties, 
g out for the benefit of MTV ex- 
during spring break in Fort Lau- 
derdale and Palm Springs, coming out of 
school only slavering to work in airless cu- 
bicles for a corporate pension; we have 
Ramboism, vigilantism, racism redux, 
Bernhard Gocız as Zorro, inhumane TV 
interviews with people saying of murderers 
who've drawn life sentences, "He should 
oughtta burn in hell forever"; we have mil- 
lions gulled in every aspect of their lives by 


retarded 12-ye: ; and we have the 
bashers of the Sixties. A decade, we are 
told, not worthy of our respect. 

There is a scene in The Big Chill, written 
by Lawrence Kasdan and Barbara Bene- 
dek, a famous dinner scene that is the 
perfect example of Newspeak about the 
Sixties. In that scene, we have seven char- 
acters who have gathered to attend the fu- 
neral of one of their Sixtics group. The 
time is more or less today. The seven are 
Sam, a successful TV actor known for hi: 
popular Magnumlike series; Sarah, a suc- 
cessful doctor; Michacl, a successful 
People-style gossip journalist: Nick, a suc- 
cessful drug dealer; Harold, a successful 
manufacturer of running shoes; Meg, a 
successful lawyer; and Karen, a successful 
suburban wife and mother. 

At the funeral, a disingenuous Peck- 
snilhan minister who didn't even know 
Alex, the dear departed, lays down the 
first paradiddle of the song of revisionism 
sung by the Eighties about the Sixties: 
brilliant physics student at the University 
of Michigan who, paradoxically, chose to 
turn his back on science and taste of life 
through a seemingly random series of oc- 
cupations.” 

Let us rewrite history through the i 
cent medium of the nostalgic mov 
dismiss the symbols and the reali 
scintillate into nothingness, for the oxen 
are slow, but the earth is patient. And 
memory fades. And youth knows not. 

They sit at the dinner table, these seven 
(and Alex’ “now” generation girlfriend, a 
model of pragmatic sensibility and sweet- 
ness, not a mean bone in her body, but 
also not a passionate one, either), remem- 
bering what Harold had said at the serv- 


Alex drew us together from the be- 
ginning; now he brings us together again.” 
Alex as symbol of the Sixties. Time gone 
by, and the bashers have told us that 
iendships were transitory, so we know it 
now by these seven; they have grown 
apart. Alex as symbol of the fruitless Six- 
ties—lost hope, misspent life, protracted 
irresponsibility, frustration, self-loathing, 
suicide. 

The song Karen played at the funeral: 
the Stones’ You Can't Always Get What You 
Want. 

And here is the dialog: 

The doctor: “I feel 1 was at my best 
when I was with you people.” 

The TV star: “When I lost touch with 
this group, I lost my idea of what I should 
beu 

The journalist: "There was something 
in me then that . . . made me want to go to 
Harlem and teach those ghetto kids." 

The lawyer: “And I was going to help 
the scum, as 1 so compassionately refer to 
them now." 

The doctor: “I hate to think that it was 
all just fashion . . - our commitment.” 

‘The lawyer: “Sometimes I think Гуе 
put that time down, pretended it wasn’t 
real, so 1 could live with how I am now.” 

And the running-shoe magnate sums it 
up: “We were great then and we're shit 
пом?” 

How sad if Larry Kasdan and Bar- 
bara Benedek really believe that ready- 
made tract for the bashers. They portray 
these seven “refugees from the Si 
as cynically hollow, confused, ambivalent, 
duplicitous, betraying, , Sel 
absorbed, settling for mediocrity, overly 
analytical but at heart simply shallow— 
profligates, has-beens, dopers, figures 
better suited to He Lost Gener- 
ation Шап to the activist Sixties. 

But that’s the bashers’ view. That's the 
revisionism proffered by people who have 
settled into way-over-30 guilt at having be- 
come part of Reagan’s America, the Yup- 
pie generation, the survivors of the Me 
Decade. And like those who drink till they 
puke on your shoes at a party, they cannot 
stand to see those who came out of the Six- 
ties with their souls and huma intact 
not drinking. So they will ridicule sobriety. 
Rambo teaches us that going to war in 
"Nam was somehow morally superior to 
staying out. Environmentalists are fuzzy- 
headed idiots who care more for the snail 
darter than they do for the sensible devel- 
opment of watershed land for a new shop- 
ping mall. Anybody who ain't looking out 
for number one is simply a wuss whom we 
will not see lodged in upper management 

They pose the question: Was it all just 
fashion? 

And they reassure themselves 
they've made the right choice, joined the 
winning side, played it smart, outgrown all 
that kid stuff, by answering, negatively, 
with the skepticism swamping Reagan 
right now. Like Rolling Stone, in for the 
ride when it was fashionable to follow the 


dissenters (from a safe distance behind 
the typewriter), they try to convince us 
that the sexual revolution ended up in 
herpes and AIDS, that the creative fer- 
ment, questioning of authority and out- 
pouring of simple concern for others lead 
to the Big Chill 

But we live with the benefits of the Six- 
ties, the large and small treasures enumer- 
ated here. In the din of the bashing to 
justify personal moral flaccidity and 
floating ethics, they try to drown out thc 
song the Sixtics sang. 

They despise themselves and what they 
have settled for; and so they seek to make 
us join their zombic death march to the 
ncarest point of purchase. 

But here are the vocals accompanying 
the song, remastered and digitalized, pure 
in their melody: 

Martin Luther King, Jr: “I have a 
dream. I have a dream that one day, on 
the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former 
slaves and the sons of former slaveowners 
will be able to sit down together at the 
table of brotherhood. . 

Ronald Reagan: “If you've seen one 
redwood, you've seen them all." 

Muhammad Ali: “I ain't got no quarrel 
with them Viet Congs.” 

Barry Goldwater: “Extremism in the 
defense of liberty is no vice . . . moderation 
in the pursuit of justice is no virtue." 

Eldridge Cleaver: “Your” 
the solution or part of the problem.” 

Neil Armstrong: “That’s one small step 
for man, one giant leap for mankind.” 

Richard Nixon: “I am not а crook.” 

Anonymous, 1965: “Save water; shower 
with a friend,” 

Bob Dylan: “Don’t follow leaders; 
watch your parking meters.” 

Pogo: "We have met the enemy and he is 
us." 

Martin again, and last, and always: 
"Free at last! Frec at last! Thank God 
Almighty, Im free at last!” 

I thought I'd buy it at the age of 14, but 
Tve done the Thirties, the Forties, the 
Fifties, the Seventics and most of the 
Eighties. And although the sky is no dark- 
er and although the friends have gone to 
dust and although the killers of the word 


are still with us, I must tell you that those 
who bash the Sixties out of present shame 
and self-loathing flummox you about a 
time that this country can be proud «f. 


МАША ai herren 


Mediterranean. 
Hotels in which every room is num- 


bered 101. 
Screw ‘em. The Sixties were exactly as 
good as you remember them. The Eighties 
Suck because viewers couldn't handle 
Buffalo Bill. And God don’t hear the 
prayer of the Swaggart. 
Cup your hand behind 
hard. The soi 
loud, perhaps, but j 
better in the morn 


pur ear. Listen 
ig sung, Not as 
st as sweet. It'll all be 
iddo. 


either part of 


Celebrate 


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1208 LaBallo St . Chicago. TI. 60908: PELOfTee of the Treas- 
turer, 610 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ш. 80811; Industrial Eq- 
тшу (PACANC) за. 7820 Fay Awe.. Sulta 380, La Jolin, Саш. 
92037 н. Known bonähelders, mertrugent. and other security 
holders owning or holding one percent or nore of total amount 
‘of bonds, mortgages or other securities None. 8. Por oompie- 
en by nonproDt organizations authorized to mall at special 
ratos: Not applicabile. 10. Extant and nature of circulation: Av- 

erago no. copies each шөше during preceding 12 monta: А. 

‘Total no. copies, 4.805.240; B. Paid ciroulstion, (1) Sales 
through dealers and carriers, street vendors and counter sales, 

зато, (2) Май sobecriptiona, 2,906,490; C. Total раза lr 

culation, 4560150: D. Free distribution by mall, carcer or. 
‘other mensa, samples, complimentary, and other free copies. 
190,076, Е. Тош. distribution, 1,752,005; F Copies not dle 
tributed, (1) Office use, left over, unaccounted, spollad after 
printing, 14.812. (2) Returns from news agent, 1,128,409; G. 

Total, 4,000,240. Actual no. copies cf aingle seve published 
олате filing date: A. Total по. coples, 4,760,800; B. Paid cir- 
‘culation, (1) Gales through dealers und carriers. street vendors 
ani counter palas, 902,425, (2) Mall mibacriptine. 2.409.000: 
C. Total paid circulation, 3.492.425; D. Free distribution by. 
mall, carrier cr other moana. mumples, complimentary, aad 
‘other free орел. 188.288: E. Total distribution, 3.87789: 

E Coples not distributed, (1) Office use, left over 
uncounted, spoliat after printing, 12,382, (2) Returns from 
теше agente, 1070.727: О. Total 4.780.600. 11. I сегїйу that 
the atatements made by me abor are correct and complete. 

Arthur Krechmer, Eaitorial Director, Associate Publisher. 


199 


PLAYBOY 


COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW (continued from page132) 


“Highly competitive schedules will groom the Big East 
teams to survive the grueling road to the Final Four.” 


departed, but the Mountaincers have too 


much talent and tradition not to recover 
by season’s end. West Virginia, 23-8 last 
season, has had seven straight 20-win 


years under coach Gale Catlett. Forwards 
Darryl Pruc and Tyrone Shaw will get 
help from Chris Brooks, held out last sea 
son by his failure to meet the N.C.A.A.'s 


S.A.T.-score requirement for incoming 
freshman players. 

Rhode Island returns all five starters 
from last year’s 20-10 team, a surprisingly 
strong showing for rookic coach Tom Pen- 
ders. Guards Carlton “Silk” Owens and 
"Tom “Chief” Garrick are one of the better 
backcourt tandems in the East. 


ANSON MOUNT SCHOLAR/ATHLETE 


this year to recognize accomplishment both in the classroom and on 


Ре; institutes the Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award in basketball 


the court. Nominated by their universities, the candidates are judged by 


The award winner attends 


of the winners university. 


lost year. 


the editors of Playboy on their collegiate scholastic and athletic achievements. 
Playboy's pre-season All-America Weekend, this 
year held at Disney World/Epcot in Orlando, Florida, receives a bronzed com- 
memorative medallion and is included in the team photograph published in the 
magazine. In addition, Playboy awards $5000 to the general scholarship fund 


The first Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award in basketball goes to Shon 
Morris of Northwestern University. One of the top forwards in the nation, Mor- 
ris earned Big Ten honorable mentions the past two years, while he led his 
team in scoring and rebounding. He never quits, no matter what the score. 
Morris majors in human development and social policy at Northwestern and 
currently carries a 3.54 average. He was a first-team Academic All-American 


Honorable mention: Brian Quinnett (Washington State), Mike Hess (Califor- 
nia-Irvine), Peter White (Yale), Steve Trax (Old Dominion), Derek Rucker (David- 
son), James Rhode (Idaho State), Ronnie Bellamy (North Carolina—Charlotte), 
Don Royster (Tulsa), Joe Calavita (Vermont), Andrew Fisher (Toledo) Gary 
Koterwas (Morgan State), Darin Maccoux (Dartmouth), Morc Urquhart (lowa 
State), Steve Martenet (Bowling Green), Ryan Nesbit (The Citadel). 


Macon, 6'5" (Temple) 


(North Carolina) 


Spencer, 611” (Georgio) 


Rossum, 


BEST FRESHMEN IN NATION 
GUARDS: Lyndon Jones, 6'3" (Indiana); Michael Christian, 6:3” (Georgia 
Tech); LaBrodford Smith, 6'3” (Louisville); Eric Manuel, 6'6" (Kentucky); Karl 
James, 6'3” (Nevada—Las Vegas); King Rice, 6' (North Carolina); Mark 


FORWARDS: Sean Higgins, 6'9" (Michigan); Perry Carter, 6'8" (Ohio State); 
Cedric Lewis, 6:10” (Maryland); Dennis Scott, 6'7” (Georgia Tech]; Byron Tuck- 
er, 6:9" (North Carolina State); Bobby Martin, 6'9" [| 
Tucker, 6'8" (Georgetown); Dwayne Davis, 6'7” (Florida); Rick Fox, 67" 


ittsburgh); Anthony 


CENTERS: Sean Muto, 611: (St. John's); LeRon Ellis, 611% (Kentucky); Elmore 


OUTSTANDING JUNIOR COLLEGE TRANSFERS 
GUARDS: Daron “Mookie” Blaylock, 6° (Oklahoma); Rudy Archer, 6'1” (Mary- 
land}; Greg “Boo” Harvey, 5°11", and Michael Porter, 671" (St. Johns); Clint 
62" (Nevada-Las Vegas), Joey Johnson, 6'4' (Arizona State); 


Keenan Carpenter, 6'2" (Auburn); Richard Hollis, 65" (Houston) 

FORWARDS: Andre Wiley, 6'5", ond Tyrone Jones, 6:5“ (Oklahoma); Johnny 
Steptoe, 6'7" (Southern University); Tony Dawson, 6'7" (Florida Stole) 
CENTERS: Marvin Branch, 6'10" (Kanscs); Brent Blair, 6110” (Virginia) 


Last season, injuries and eligibility 
problems plagued St. Joseph's. After post- 
ing a 26-6 record two years ago, the 
Hawks fell to 16-13 and were forced to fill 
the roster with four walk-ons by season's 
end. Center Rodney Blake (17.6 p.p.g;) 
has fully recovered from his ankle injury 
but is the only returning starter. 

Penn State is optimistic about improv- 
ing on last year's 15-12 record. All five of 
last scason's starters return, but the more 
talented Atlantic Ten teams will be tough 
to surpass in the rankings. 

Massachusetts, Rutgers, Duquesne, 
George Washington and St. Bonaventure 
all return significant percentages of last 
scason’s starting teams, but all five teams 
are on a par with one another and none 
appears likely to fight its way out of the 
bottom half of the conference. 


BIG EAST 


The Big East will continue to be one of 
the dominant conferences in the nation, 
with at least three teams having legitimate 
national-championship aspirations. Up- 
tempo offenses, aggressive full-court de- 
ghly competitive schedules and 
coaching will groom the best of 
the Big East teams to survive the grueling 
road to the Final Four. 

Syracuse returns its three most talented 
starters from last year’s team, which fell 
one basket short of the national champi- 


onship: Sherman Douglas (17.3 р.р), 
sophomore Derrick Coleman and Playboy 
All-America center Rony Scikaly. Coach 


Jim Bocheim’s troupe needs only to find 
that clusiye team chemistry to win itall. 

Pittsburgh has outstanding talent in 
Playboy All-America forward Charles 
Smith and Jerome Lane, one of the na- 
tion’s leading rebounders. If Pitt can get 
the backcourt play it needs from Deme- 
treus Gore, the Panthers could be there 
atthe end. 

And then there's Georgetown, For- 
midable coach John Thompson will miss 
the scoring punch of departed Reggic Wil- 
liams, but he will have the Hoyas in their 
usual feisty and tenacious mood. Thomp- 
son, an all-round massive presence in the 
basketball-coaching firmament, will have 
опе сус on his Georgetown crew, the other 
оп his upcoming challenge as head coach 
of the 1988 Olympic basketball team. 

Two of the most colorful coaches in the 
conference—or in America, for that mat 
ter— Lou Camesecca and Rollie Massimi- 
ne, will both mold teams greater than 
their individual parts. Carnesecca, in his 
19th year as coach at St. John’s, has lost 
Mark Jackson and Willie Glass to the 
N.B.A. He'll look to forward Shelton Jones 
(14.6 ppg.) as part of the answer this 
year. Massimino, with the memory of Vil- 
lanova’s national championship dimmed 
by the departure of Harold Jensen and the 
Gary McLain Sports Illustrated drug ex- 
posé (in which McLain admitted that 
he'd played on cocaine during the 1985 
М.С.А.А. championship game), has four 


“Raise her ass up a minute, will ya, Chet? I have to get Sandra's coat.” 


201 


PROJECTED 1988 MEN’S BASKET 


AMERICAN SOUTH 
71. NEW ORLEANS 5. SOUTHWESTERN, 
2 LOUISIANA TECH LOUISIANA 
З. LAMAR 6 PAN AMERICAN 


4. ARKANSAS STATE 


STANDOUTS: Ledell Eackles (New Orleans); Randy 
White (Louisiana Tech), James Gulley (Lamar); John 
Tate (Arkansas State); Randal Smith (Southwestern. 
Louisiana). 


ATLANTIC COAST 


*]. NORTH CAROLINA "5. CLEMSON 
2. DUKE “6. MARYLAND 
*3. NORTH CAROLINA 7. VIRGINIA 


STATE B. WAKE FOREST 

*4. GEORGIA TECH 

STANDOUTS. J. В. Reid, Jeff Lebo (North Carolina); 
Danny Ferry (Duke): Charles Shackleford, Vinny Del 
Negro (North Carolina State): Duane Ferrell, Tom 
Hammonds (Georgia Tech); Grayson Marshall, Jerry 
Pryor (Clemson); Derrick Lewis (Maryland); John 
Johnson (Virginia), Sam Ivy (Wake Forest). 


ATLANTIC TEN 
*1 TEMPLE 1 RUTGERS 
72. WEST VIRGINIA 8. DUQUESNE 
3. RHODE ISLAND. 3. GEORGE 
4. 51. JOSEPHS WASHINGTON 


5. PENN STATE 
Є MASSACHUSETTS 


STANDOUTS: Tim Perry (Temple); Darryl Prue, Tyrone 
Shaw (West Virginia), Carlton Owens, Tom Garrick 
{Rhode Island). Rodney Blake (St. Joseph's): Тот 
Hovasse (Penn State): Lorenzo Sutton (Massachu- 
setts); Brian Shanahan (Duquesne). 


BIG EAST 


6. PROVIDENCE 

7. SETON HALL 

8. CONNECTICUT. 

9. BOSTON COLLEGE. 


10. ST. BONAVENTURE 


71. SYRACUSE. 
*2. PITTSBURGH 
*3. GEORGETOWN 
^4. ST. JOHN'S. 
5. VILLANOVA 


STANDOUTS. Rony Seikaly. Derrick Coleman. Sherman 
Douglas (Syracuse); Charles Smith, Jerome Lane 
(Pittsburgh); Perry McDonald (Georgetown); Shelton 
Jones, Greg Harvey (St. John's); Doug West (Vil- 
lanova); Delray Brooks (Providence); Mark Bryant 
(Seton Hall); Cliff Robinson (Connecticut); Dara 
Barros (Boston College) 


BIG EIGHT 
71. OKLAHOMA 5. IOWA STATE 
*2. MISSOURI 6. OKLAHOMA STATE. 
*3. KANSAS 7. NEBRASKA 


*4_ KANSAS STATE 8. COLORADO 


STANDOUTS: Harvey Grant, Ricky Grace (Oklahoma). 
Derrick Chievous (Missouri); Danny Manning (Kan- 
sas); Mitch Richmond (Kansas State); Jeff Grayer 
(lowa State). 


BIG SOUTH 
*]. CAMPBELL 5. NORTH CAROLINA- 
2. COASTAL CAROLINA ASHEVILLE 
3. RADFORD 6. BAPTIST 
4. WINTHROP 7. AUGUSTA 


STANDOUTS: Henry Wilson (Campbell); William 
Calvin (Coastal Carolina); Donnell Howard (Rad- 
ford); Lenwood Harris (Winthrop); Milton Moore, 
Ricky Chatman (North Carolina-Asheville); Oliver 
Johnson (Baptist); Vincent Jackson (Augusta). 


BIG SKY 


6. NORTHERN ARIZONA 
7. IDAHO STATE. 


*]. BOISE STATE. 
2. MONTANA STATE 


3. IDAHO 8. WEBER STATE. 
4. NEVADA-RENO 9 EASTERN 
5. MONTANA WASHINGTON 


STANDOUTS: Chris Childs, Arnell Jones (Boise 
State): Tom Domako (Montana State). Boris King 
(Nevada-Reno); Kevin Hood (Montana); Rico Wash- 
ington (Weber State). 


BIG TEN 
*1 MICHIGAN 6. OHIO STATE 
+2. PURDUE 7. WISCONSIN. 
*3. INDIANA 8. MINNESOTA 
"4.10WA 9. NORTHWESTERN. 
*5. ILLINOIS 10. MICHIGAN STATE 


STANDOUTS: Gary Grant, Glen Rice (Michigan); Troy 
Lewis, Todd Mitchell, Everette Stephens (Purdue) 
Keith Smart, Dean Garrett (Indiana), Roy Marble 
В ) Armstrong (Iowa): Кеп Battle, Lowell Hamilton 
(Illinois); Curtis Wilson (Ohio State); Trent Jackson 
(Wisconsin); Shon Morris (Northwestern). 


COLONIAL 


6. NORTH CAROLINA- 
WILMINGTON 

7. EAST CAROLINA 

8. WILLIAM & MARY 


*1. RICHMOND 

2. JAMES MADISON 
3. GEORGE NASON 
4. AMERICAN 

5. NAVY 


STANDOUTS: Peter Woolfalk, Steve Kratzer (Rich- 
топо); Kennard Winchester (James Madison); Kenny 
Sanders (George Mason); Mike Sumner (American), 
Cliff Rees (Navy): Blue Edwards (East Carolina) 


EAST COAST 
"1. LEHIGH 5. RIDER 
2. LAFAYETTE 6. BUCKNELL 
3. DREXEL 7. DELAWARE 


4. TOWSON STATE 8. HOFSTRA 


STANDOUTS. Daren Queenan. Mike Polaha (Lehigh), 
Otis Ellis (Lafayette): Michael Anderson. John 
Rankin (Drexel), Marty Johnson (Towson State): Ron 
‘Simpson (Rider); Taurence Chisholm (Delaware). 


E.C.A.C. METRO 


71. MARIST 6. MONMOUTH 
2. FAIRLEIGH 7. LOYOLA (MARYLAND) 
DICKINSON 8. ST. FRANCIS 
3. ROBERT MORRIS (PENNSYLVANIA) 
4. LONG ISLAND 9, ST. FRANCIS 
5. WAGNER (NEW YORK) 


STANDOUTS: Rik Smits (Marist); Damari Riddick, 
Jaime Latney (Fairleigh Dickinson), Calvin Lamb 
(long Island); Dean Borges (Wagner). Fernando 
Sanders (Monmouth). 


E.C.A.C. NORTH ATLANTIC 
+1. NORTHEASTERN 6. HARTFORD 
7. MAINE 


2. CANISIUS 3 

3. BOSTON UNIVERSITY 8. COLGATE 

4. SIENA 9. VERMONT 

5. NIAGARA 10. NEW HAMPSHIRE 


STANDOUTS: Derrick Lewis (Northeastern); Brian 
Smith (Canisius); Drederick Irving (Boston Universi 
ty); Mark Henry (Niagara); Anthony Moye (Hartford) 


IVY LEAGUE 
*]. DARTMOUTH 5. PENNSYLVANIA 
2. PRINCETON 6. COLUMBIA 
3. YALE 7. HARVARD 
4. CORNELL 8. BROWN 


STANDOUTS: Jim Barton, Bryan Randall (Dart- 
mouth); Bob Scrabis, Dave Orlandini (Princeton): 
Paul Naley (Yale): Greg Gilda (Cornell): Tyrone Pitts 
(Pennsylvania); Matt Shannon (Columbia). 


METRO 


4. SOUTH CAROLINA 
5. VIRGINIA TECH 


71. LOUISVILLE. 

*2. MENPHIS STATE 

*3. SOUTHERN 6. CINCINNATI 
MISSISSIPPI 7 FLORIDA STATE 


STANDOUTS: Pervis Ellison. Herbert Crock (Louis 
ville); Marvin Alexander, Sylvester Gray (Memphis 
State); Randolph Keys, Derrek Hamilton (Southern 
Mississippi); Terry Dozier (South Carolina); Vernel 
Coles (Virginia Tech), Roger McClendon (Cincinnati) 
Jerome Fitchett (Florida State) 


METRO ATLANTIC 
^1. LA SALLE 5.ST. PETER S 
2. ОМА 6. MANHATTAN. 
3. FAIRFIELD 7 ARMY 


4. HOLY CROSS 8. FORDHAM 


STANDOUTS. Lionel Simmons, Tim Legler (La Salle); 
Richie Simmonds. Alvin Lott (lona); Troy Bradford 
(Fairfield); Glenn Tropf (Holy Cross); Willie Haynes 
(St. Peter's); Billy Wheeler (Manhattan); Greg Pedro. 
Joe Paleruu (Furlan). 


MID-AMERICAN 
71. CENTRAL MICHIGAN — 6. WESTERN 
2. MIAMI UNIVERSITY MICHIGAN 
3. BOWLING GREEN 7. EASTERN MICHIGAN 
4. OHIO UNIVERSITY 8. BALL STATE 
5. KENT STATE 9. TOLEDO 


‘STANDOUTS: Dan Majerle (Central Michigan); Trimill 
Haywood, Eric Newsome (Miami University): Anthony 
Robinson (Bowling Green); Paul Graham (Ohio Uni- 
versity); Reggie Adams (Kent State); Tony Baum 
gardt (Western Michigan); Grant Long (Eastern 
Michigan); Derrick Wesley (Ball State) 


MID-CONTINENT 


*1. CLEVELAND STATE. 5. NORTHERN IOWA 
2. SOUTHWEST 6. WESTERN ILLINOIS 
MISSOURI STATE 7. VALPARAISO 
З. ILLINOIS-CHICAGO 8. EASTERN ILLINOIS 
4. WISCONSIN- 
GREEN BAY 


STANDOUTS: Kenny McFadden, Eric Mudd (Cleveland 
State); Stan Worthy (Southwest Missouri State); 
Nathan Chambers (lllinois-Chica o); Richard Sims 
(Wisconsin-Green Bay); Jason Reese, Greg McDer- 
mott (Northern lowa); Mike Ayers (Western Illinois); 
Harry Bell (Valparaiso). lay Taylor (Eastern Ilinois) 


MIDEASTERN 


"1. NORTH CAROLINA — 5. FLORIDA A & M 

6. COPPIN STATE 

7. BETHUNE-COOKMAN 

8. DELAWARE STATE 

9. MARYLAND EASTERN 
SHORE. 


АЕТ 

2 SOUTH CAROLINA 
STATE 

3. HOWARD 

4. MORGAN STATE 


BALL CONFERENCE STANDINGS 


STANDOUTS: Claude Williams, Thomas Griffis (North 
Carolina А & T); Rodney Mack, Bernard Bowman 
(South Carolina State); John Spencer (Howard): Troy 
Brown (Morgan State); Leonard King, Reggie Henry 
(Flonda A & M). Larry McCollum (Coppin State); 
Tracey Wilson (Delaware State); Marvin Biye (Nary- 
land Eastern Shore). 


MIDWESTERN 
*1 XAVIER 4. LOYOLA OF CHICAGO 
*2. EVANSVILLE 5. BUTLER 
3 ST. LOUIS 6. DETROIT 


STANDOUTS: Byron Larkin (Xavier); Marty Simmons 
(Evansville); Roland Gray. Monroe Douglass (St 
Louis); Kenny Miller (Loyota of Chicago); Chad Tucker 
(Butler); Archie Tullos (Detroit). 


MISSOURI VALLEY 


*1. BRADLEY 5. SOUTHERN ILLINOIS 
2. ILLINOIS STATE 6. CREIGHTON 

3. WICHITA STATE 1. DRAKE 

4. TULSA 8. INDIANA STATE 


STANDOUTS: Hersey Hawkins, Donald Powell (Brad- 
ley); Tony Holifield (Illinois State); Tracy Moore 
(Tulsa), Steve Middleton (Southern Illinois); Rod 
Mason (Creighton); Bart Friedrick (Drake) 


OHIO VALLEY 


21. AUSTIN PEAY STATE 5. YOUNGSTOWN STATE 

*2. MIDDLE TENNESSEE 6 MOREHEAD STATE 
‘STATI 7. MURRAY STATE 

3. EASTERN KENTUCKY 8. TENNESSEE TECH 

4. IENNESSEE SIAIE 


STANDOUTS. Andre Нагі, Barry Sumpter (Austin Peay 
State); Dwayne Rainey, Randy Henry (Middle Tennessee 
State); Jeff McGill (Eastern Kentucky); Arthony Mason 
Tennessee State); Tilman Bevely (Youngstown State): 
Bo Rivers (Morehead State); Jeff Martin (Murray State); 
Earl Wise (Tennessee Tech) 


PACIFIC COAST 
*1. NEVADA-LAS VEGAS Б. UTAH STATE 

2. SAN JOSE STATE 7. FRESNO STATE 

3. CAL STATE В. CALIFORNIA-IRVINE 
FULLERTON 9. NEW MEXICO STATE 

4. CALIFORNIA- 10.UNIVERSITY OF 
‘SANTA BARBARA THE PACIFIC 

5. CAL STATE 
LONG BEACH 


STANDOUTS: Gerald Paddio (Nevada -Las Vegas); 
Ricky Berry (San Jose State); Richard Morton (Cal 
State- Fullerton); Brian Shaw (California Santa 
Barbara); Morlon Wiley, DeAnthony Langston (Cal 
State-Long Beach); Kevin Nixon (Utah State); Mike 
Mitchell (Fresno State); Wayne Engelstad (Califor- 
nia-Irvine). 


PACIFIC TEN 
41. ARIZONA 6. ARIZONA STATE 
*2, UCLA 7. WASHINGTON STATE 
3. STANFORD 8. OREGON 
4. OREGON STATE 9. WASHINGTON 
5. SOUTHERN 10. CALIFORNIA 
CALIFORNIA 


STANDOUTS: Steve Kerr, Sean Elliott (Arizona); 
Jerome Richardson (UCLA); Todd Lichti (Stanford); 
Gary Payton (Oregon State): Arthur Thomas (Arizona 
State); Brian Quinnelt (Washington Slate). Anthony 
Taylor (Oregon); Leonard Taylor (California). 


SOUTHEASTERN 
*1 FLORIDA "в. VANDERBILT 


*2. KENTUCKY 7. TENNESSEE 

*3. GEORGIA 8. ALABAMA 

*4 LOUISIANA STATE 9 MISSISSIPPI 

“5. AUBURN 10. MISSISSIPPI STATE 


STANDOUTS. Vernon Maxwell, Dwayne Schintzius 
(Florida); Rex Chapman. Winston Bennett (Ken- 
(шеку: Willie Anderson, Toney Mack (Georgia); Ricky 
Blanton. Jose Vargas (Louisiana State); Jeff Moore, 
Mike Jones (Auburn); Will Perdue (Vanderbilt); Dyron 
Nix (Tennessee); Michael Ansley (Alabama). 


SOUTHERN 


6. APPALACHIAN STATE 
7. VIRGINIA MILITARY 


*]. MARSHALL 
2. TENNESSEE- 


CHATTANOOGA 8. EAST TENNESSEE 
3. FURMAN STATE 
4. DAVIDSON 9. THE CITADEL 


5. WESTERN CAROLINA 


STANDOUTS: Skip Henderson, Tom Curry (Marshall); 
Lance Fulse (Tennessee-Chattanooga): John Castile 
(Furman); Derek Rucker (Davidson); Lavelle Webster 
(East Tennessee State) 


SOUTHLAND 


*1. STEPHEN F. AUSTIN 5. NORTH TEXAS STATE. 
2. NORTHEAST 6. NORTHWESTERN 
LOUISIANA STATE (LOUISIANA) 
3. SAM HOUSTON 7. TEXAS-ARLINGTON 
STATE 8. SOUTHWEST TEXAS 
4. MC NEESE STATE STATE 


STANDOUTS: Eric Rhodes (Stephen F. Austin), 
Michael Saulsberry (Northeast Louisiana), Tracy 
Pearson (Sam Houston State): Michael Cutright 
(McNeese State): Tony Worrell (North Texas State), 
George Jones (Northwestern State); Eliezar Gordon 
(Southwest Texas State) 


SOUTHWEST 
71. ARKANSAS 5. HOUSTON 
*2. BAYLOR 6 TEXAS CHRISTIAN 
3. SOUTHERN 7.TEXAS 
METHODIST B TEXAS A EM 


4. TEXAS TECH 9 КІСЕ 


STANDOUTS: Ron Huery. Andrew Lang (Arkansas); 
Darryl Middleton, Michael Williams (Baylor); Kato 
‚Armstrong. Carlton McKinney (Southern Methodist); 
Sean Gay (Texas Tech); Rolando Ferreira (Houston); 
Andy Gilchrist (Rice) 


SOUTHWESTERN 


*1 SOUTHERN 5. ALABAMA STATE 
UNIVERSITY 6. MISSISSIPPI VALLEY 
2. GRAMBLING STATE STATE 
3. ALCORN STATE 7. JACKSON STATE 
4. TEXAS SOUTHERN. 8. PRAIRIE VIEW 


STANDOUTS: Kevin Florent. Avery Johnson (Southern. 
University); Terrell Wesley (Grambling St); Doug 
Carter. Roosevelt Tate (Alcorn 51.) Fred West (Texas. 
Southern); Terry Brooks (Alabama St): Carl Curry 
(Mississippi Valley SL): Reginald Jones (Prairie 
View). 


SUN BELT 

*1 ALABAMA- 5. WESTERN KENTUCKY 
BIRMINGHAM 6. SOUTH ALABAMA 

72. NORTH CAROLINA- 7. SOUTH FLORIDA 
CHARLOTTE 8. OLD DOMINION 

3 JACKSONVILLE 

4. VIRGINIA 
COMMONWEALTH 


‘STANDOUTS: Eddie Collins (Alabama-Birmingham); By- 
топ Dinkins, Ronnie Bellamy (North Carolina -Char- 
lotte): Troy Mundine (Jacksonville); Phil Stinnie (Virginia 
Commonwealth); Brett McNeal (Western Kentucky): Jeff 
Hodge, Junie Lewis (South Alabama); Darrell Coleman 
(South Florida). Anthory Carver (Old Dominion). 


TRANS AMERICA 

*1. ARKANSAS—LITTLE 5. HOUSTON BAPTIST 
ROCK 6. CENTENARY 

2. STETSON 7. GEORGIA STATE 

3. TEXAS-SAN 8. MERCER 
ANTONIO 9. SAMFORD 

4. GEORGIA 10. HARDIN-SIMMONS 
SOUTHERN 


STANDOUTS: James Dawn (Arkansas-Little Rock); 
Randy Anderson (Stetson): Frank Hampton (Texas-San 
Antonio). Jeff Sanders (Georgia Southern); Fred Mc- 
Nealey (Centenary); Harlen Graham (Georgia State); 
Rembert Martin (Samford), 


WEST COAST ATHLETIC 
*1. LOYOLA 5. SAN FRANCISCO 
MARYMOUNT 6. GONZAGA. 
2. PEPPERDINE 7. PORTLAND. 
3. ST. MARY'S 8. SAN DIEGO 
4. SANTA CLARA 


STANDOUTS: Mike Yoest (Loyola Marymount); Tom Lewis 
(Pepperdine); Robert Haugen (St. Mary's): Jens Gordon 
(Santa Clara); Mark McCathrion (Sen Francisco); Jim 
McPhee (Gonzaga). 


WESTERN ATHLE TIC 
*1. WYOMING 6. AIR FORCE 
^2. BRIGHAM YOUNG 7. COLORADO STATE 
3. NEW MEXICO. 8. HAWAII 
4. TEXAS-EL PASO 9, SAN DIEGO STATE 


STANDOUTS: fennis Dembo, Eric Leckner (Wyoming); 
Michael Smith, Jeff Chatman (Bigham Young): Hunter 
Greene (New Mexico); Chris Sandle (Texas-El Paso); 
Mitch Smith (Utah): Raymond Dudley (Air Force); Pat 
Durham, David Turcotte (Colorado State); Chris Gaines 
(Hawaii); Tony Ross (San Diego State). 


INDEPENDENTS 


*1. DEPAUL 11.U.S INTERNATIONAL 


*2. NOTRE DAME 12. NORTHERN ILLINOIS 

*3. MIAMI 13. NICHOLLS STATE 

4. MARQUETTE 14, CHICAGO STATE 

5. DAYTON 15. SOUTHEASTERN 

6. ORAL ROBERTS. LOUISIANA 

7 AKRON 16. CENTRAL 

8. MARYLAND- CONNECTICUT 
BALTIMORE 17. WRIGHT STATE 
COUNTY 18. MISSOURI 

9. CENTRAL FLORIDA KANSAS CITY 

10. BROOKLYN 


STANDOUTS. Rod Strickland, Kevin Edwards (DePaul); 
David Rivers. Mark Stevenson (Notre Dame): Tito Hor- 
ford, Eric Brown (Miami); Michael Sims (Marquette); 
Anthony Corbitt (Dayton); Haywoode Workman (Oral 
Roberts); Russ Heicke (U.S. International); Rodney 
Davis (Northern Minos). 


*Qur predictions to make the N.C A.A. post-season 
lournament. 


PLAYBOY 


returning starters, including the big (7'2") 
but not very mobile Tom Greis at center. 

Providence would have had trouble any- 
way recovering from the loss of four of last 
year’s starters, including the indefatigable 
Billy Donovan. But when coach Rick Piti- 
no flip-flopped one more time and took the 
head coaching job for the New York 
Knicks, the Friars’ fate was sealed. Seton 
Hall, led by forward Mark Bryant (16.8 
p-p-g.) and Leland “Pookey” Wigington 
(573%), will play the conference dark horse 
and upset maker. 


BIG EIGHT 


Oklahoma will be big, physical and 
maybe better than last season, even after 
losing three of last year's starters. Harvey 
Grant and Ricky Grace will be joined by 
outstanding junior college transfers Daron 
“Mookie” Blaylock and Andre Wiley. 

Last year, Missouri sneaked past peren- 
nial Big Eight powers Kansas and Oklaho- 
ma to the conference tournament. The 
Tigers won't have the clement of surprise 
this season, but they will have all of last 
season's starters, including Playboy All- 
America Derrick Chievous, and excellent 
bench strength. 

At one point last season, it appcared 
that Kansas coach Larry Brown was head- 
ed to the New York Knicks and star player 
Danny Manning to the N.B.A. draft 
However, Brown, to everyone's surprise, 
stayed put, and Manning, a two-time 
Playboy All-America and probably the 
best college player in the nation, opted to 
finish his college career. With Archie Mar- 
shall returning after a season off with med- 
ical problems, thc Jayhawks necd only thc 
emergence of a solid point guard to have a 
good chance for post-season success. 

Kansas State will return four starters 
but will miss the departed Norris Cole- 
man. Lack of size and speed hurts the 
team’s chances against its stronger conler- 
ence opponents. Iowa State will have 
standout forward Jeff Grayer but not 


enough else. Oklahoma State will be im- 
proved by the return of 7'4" Alan Bannis- 
ter, redshirted last season, and Proposition 
48 returner Derrick Davis. Nebraska will 
struggle to doas well as its 1987 third-place 
National Invitational Tournament finish. 


BIG SOUTH 


One of the less familiar Division I con- 
ferences, the Big South features small but 
evenly matched teams. Campbell Univer- 
ty, located in the bustling metropolitan 
center of Buies Creek, North Carolina, ap- 
pears to be the favorite. Baptist, which 
beat Campbell by one point in last year’s 
conference championship, has dropped 
too much offense as a result of graduation 
to repeat, Coastal Carolina and Radford 
are the other conference-title challengers. 


BIG SKY 


Boise State returns Arnell Jones (15.8 
P-p.g.), a great inside player, and Chris 
Childs (15.4 p. If the Broncos im- 
prove their perimeter shooting, they 
should be conference champs. Montana 
State will also be strong. The Bobcats re- 
turn forward Tom Domako (20.3 p.p.g.) 
The only other team that has a shot at the 
top spot in the conference is Idaho. Re- 
turning forward Andrew Jackson will get 
some help from Raymond Brown, a 678” 
transfer from. Mississippi State. Nevada- 
Reno has Boris King (18.5 p.p.g.) at guard. 
but not enough size up front. The rest of 
the league is in various stages of rebuild- 
ing, with Eastern Washington being a new 
member of the conference this year. 


BIG TEN 


The Big Ten splits down the middle in 
fairly neat order: The top five—Indiana, 
Iowa, Illinois, Michigan and Purdue—are 
teams with the potential to play all the way 
to the Final Four; the teams in the bottom 
half of the conference, with the possible ex- 
ception of Ohio State, will have to content 
themselves with beating one another and 


“I enjoy speaking, but rolling over and 
playing dead are no fun at all!” 


hoping to upset one of the top five on an off 
night. It looks as if Michigan has a razor- 
thin edge over Purdue and Indiana. lowa 
and Illinois arc one step behind. 

Michigan will build on the proven tal- 
ents of Playboy All-America Gary Grant 
(22.4 p.p.g.) and Glen Rice (16.9 p.p.g.). 
They'll be joined by guard Rumeal 
Robinson, who sat out last year because of 
Proposition 48, and center/forward Terry 
Mills. If coach Bill Frieder can mis the 
talent properly, the Wolverines will be as 
good as any team in the nation 

Purdue loses only one starter from last 
year's 25-5 team. If Troy Lewis (18.5 
P-p-g.) has recovered from a broken foot in 
the off season, he will lead the offense. Ev- 
erette Stephens, at point guard, may be 
the best athlete on the team. Melvin Mc- 
Cants (69) provides the size. 

How about a sequel to the movie 
Hoosiers? In it, Gene Hackman follows his 
high school crew to Indiana University, 
wins three N.C.A.A. titles in the next 16 
years, develops a fondness for red sweaters 
rolled up around his waist and keeps his 
players, the referees, opposing ccaches and 
especially the media off balance with a 
combination of temper and humor on his 
way to the Basketball Hall of Fame. The 
problem with Hoosiers IT is that Bob 
Knight has already lived most of it. Steve 
Alford and Daryl Thomas are gone from 
last year’s national champions, but there 
are more Indiana Mr. Basketballs (Jay 
Edwards and Lyndon Jones) w 
join returning Dean Garrett, Ric 
loway and Keith Smart. 

Towa has lost three starters from last 
year's 30-5 squad, but because of the 
human-wave substitution techniques of 
coach Tom Davis, the Hawkeyes still have 
several players with significant playing 
experience. Forward Roy Marble (149 
P-P-.) is the team standout. 

Illinois has also lost three starters from 
last year, but the talent well is deep in Ur- 
bana, especially since the addition of 
transfer forward Ken Battle and Proposi- 
tion 48 returner Nick Anderson. Marcus 
Liberty, the consensus number-one high 
school player in the country last year, 
failed to make the required 15 on his 
A.C.T. and must sit out this season. 
have a difficult time 
to the top half of the conference, 
despite the addition of Georgetown trans- 
fer Grady Mateen (6'11"). The team will 
miss Dennis Hopson’s 29 points per game 
of last season. Wisconsin guard Trent 
Jackson will try to lead the Badgers out of 
last year’s 14-17 doldrums. Minnesota 
will improve on last scason's disappoint- 
ing 2-16 conference record. Northwestern 
and coach Bill Foster have Anson Mount 
Scholar/Athlete Shon Morris but little 
else. Michigan State returns only two 
starters and will lack offensive punch. 


COLONIAL. 


Now that David Robinson, last year's 
all-media college player of the year, is 


headed for a tour in the Navy and then the 
N.B.A., life can return to normal in the 
traditionally balanced Colonial Athletic 
Association. This season’s favorite appears 
to be Richmond, a team that returns all 
five starters, including forward Peter 
Woolfolk, who should become UR's care 
scoring and rebound leader by season’ 
end. Two schools named for American pa- 
triots, James Madison and George Mason, 
are probably next best. James Madison 
has good depth but must improve its re- 
bounding game from last year. George 
Mason features the outstanding Kenny 
Sanders (17.9 p.p.g.) at forward. 

American University returns four 
starters but will miss the 25.2 p.p.g. it got 
from departed point guard Frank Ross. 
Navy will try to re- 
place Robinson in 
the middle with 6'9” 
Byron Hopkins. 
North Carolina— 
Wilmington has also 
lost its big man, 69” 
Brian Rowsom. East 
Carolina and V 
liam and Mary are 
both likely to im- 
prove on last year's 
records, if not their 
positions in the 
standings. 


FAST COAST 


East Coast Con- 
ference basketball ıs 
a virtual 6'6”-and- 
under league. But it 
makes up for what it 
lacks in size with 
speed and style. The 
most stylish play- 
er in the conference 
is Lehigh’s Daren 
Queenan, a 6:5" for- 
ward who averaged 
24.8 p.p.g. last year. 
Queenan should put 
Lehigh on top of the 
pack. Next in line 
for a title shot is 
Lafayette, led by 
junior forward Otis 
Ellis (21 рр). 
Lafayette is coached by Butch van Breda 
Kolf, a much mellowed version of thc 
coach who had 40 technical fouls called 
against him in one season when he headed 
the L.A. Lakers. Drexel University also 
may have a shot at the top spot, because 
one of its four returning starters is stand- 
out guard Michael Anderson. Towson 
State and Rider will both be competitive, 
while last season's conference champ, 
Bucknell, will have to rebuild after losing 
most of its team to gradvation. 


ECAC. METRO 


Eindhoven, Holland; Paris, France. Is 
this a United Nations roll call? No, these 
are the home towns of some of the players 


by The Paddington 
parted, 9 
2 


from Marist College, a school іп Pough- 
keepsie, New York, that could turn up 
night in the middle of the N.C.A.A. post- 
season tournament. The team revolves 
around 74 Rik Smits, dubbed The 
Dunkin’ Dutchman by his teammates and 
the media. Smits, one of the best big men 
in the country, will likely be a high first- 
round pick in the next N.B.A. draft. If he 
can stay away fiom injuries and out of 
foul trouble, Marist will dominate the 
A.C. Metro and give the superpower 
teams all they can handle 

Fairleigh Dickinson, with Damari Rid- 
dick, has a team that in a Smitsless time 
would probably be in a position to take the 
conference crown. Robert Morris and 
Long Island both return four starters from 


(її Ө] Amaratio di Saronno Anywhere inthe U.S. cal 1800-2384373 
por 


last scason but aren't quite up to Marist or 
FDU standards. The remainder of the 
2. Metro will have to be content to 
gs out among themselves and 
ts to go to the N.B.A 


wait for © 
ECAC. NORTH ATLANTIC 


With the departed Reggie Lewis taken 
in the first round by the Boston Celtics in 
this year’s N.B.A. draft, you'd think 
Northeastern might be ready to relinquish 
its four-year hold on the E.C.A.C. North 
title. Lewis was the N.C.A.A. ninth-all- 
time career scorer (2709 points). But an- 
other Lewis—Derrick—is ready to step in, 
and the remainder of the team looks strong 
enough to make it five titles in a row. 


ration, Fori Lee, NJPhoto: Ken Nahioum. 


Canisius has retuming guard Brian 
Smith and a new coach, Marty Marbach 
Boston University also retums a star 
guard in Drederick Irving. Siena and Niag- 
ara round out the most competitive of the 
E.C.A.C. North teams. If Northeastern 
falters, any one of them could emerge as 
the champion 


IVY LEAGUE 


There's a basketball hotbed in the 
making in Hanover, New Hampshire, 
where the Dartmouth Big Green has a new 
arena, a legitimate seven-foot center and 
four talented starters returning from last 
season’s 15-11 club. Dartmouth should go 
to the head of the class this year in the Ivy 
League. Next in line in the conference is 
Princeton, coached 
by teacher, philoso- 
pher and pizza 
gourmand Pete Car- 
ril, the dean of Ivy 
League coaches 
Yale returns four 
starters from last 
year’s team, which 
was strong on the 
boards and from the 
three-point line. 
Pennsylvania, last 
year’s conference 
champion, will drop 
into the middle of 
the pack in а re- 
building year. 


METRO 


If it seemed im- 
possible that Louis- 
ille, N.C.A.A, 
champion in 1986, 
wouldn't make thc 
64-team field of 
toumament invitees 
in 1987, what are 
the odds that it 
won't be there in 
1988? Whatever the 
odds, don’t take the 
bet, because coach 
Denny Crum, with 
four Final Four ap- 
pearances in the 
Eighties, will bring 
the Cardinals back with a vengeance. Per- 
vis Ellison, hopefully a little wiser this 
year, is exceptionally talented. Freshman 
guard LaBradford Smith should help 
Louisville with floor play and the three- 
pointer, aspects of the game with w 
the Cardinals had problems last season 

Coach Larry Finch took over the troubled 
Memphis State program last year when 
former coach Dana Kirk was ousted by re- 
ports of unethical and possibly criminal 
conduct, The talent-rich Tigers and Finch 
put together a 26-8 record, remarkable 
under the circumstances. Two freshmen, 
Elliott Perry and Russell Young, should 
have an impact this scason. 

Southern Mississippi turned a good 


PLAYBOY 


season into a great one last year when it 
accepted a bid to the N.LT. and proceed- 
ed to post five straight victories and win 
the N.LT. crown. Four of the starters from 
that tcam are back, and their experience 
could lead to an N.C. 
portunity this year. 

Cincinnati, Virginia Tech and South 
Carolina each retum four starters from 
last scason and will be improved. Florida 
State has to do some serious rebuilding aft- 
er losing most of last year’s 19-11 team. 


METRO ATLANTIC 


La Salle has the most talent and experi- 
ence of any of the teams in the Metro At- 
lantic Athletic Conference. Its best player 
is sophomore Lionel Simmons (20.3 
p-p-g-). lona returns last year's starting 
five intact. Second-year coach Gary 
Brokaw, a former assistant under Digger 
Phelps at Notre Dame, will have the Gael 
running and pressing. Last year’s confer- 
ence-tourney champ, Fairfield, has a re- 
building job, while Army will try to find 
out if there is life after Kevin Houston, the 
departed number-one scorer (32.9 p.p.g.) 
in the nation last year. Manhattan, St. Pe- 
ter's, Holy Cross and Fordham will all be 
competitive in what appears to be a well- 
balanced conference. 


MID-AMERICAN 


Central Michigan won the regular-sca- 
son conference battle and the Mid-Ameri- 
can Conference tournament last year. Dan 
Mayerle, a strong and consistent forward 
who averaged 21.1 p.p.g. last season, is 
back from that team, along with cnough 
other talent to make the Chippewas the fa- 
vorite to repeat. Miami of Ohio and Bowl- 
ing Green both had good teams last season 
that should improve with another year’s 
experience. 


MIDCONTI 


т 

The Mouse is still loose in the Mid- 
Continent—Kenny “The Mouse” Mc- 
Fadden, that is. As a freshman, he helped 
lead Cleveland State to a 29-4 record and 
the Final 16 of the N.C.A.A. tournament. 
Last year, McFadden helped his team 
overcome the untimely loss of teammate 
Paul Stewart to a heart attack and a sea- 
son-ending injury to. Eric Mudd. Unless 
some unpredictable misfortune strikes 
again, McFadden and Mudd should lead 
Cleveland State to another conference title. 

Southwest Missouri State, conference 
champ last season, will have to rebuild 
around the nucleus of two returning 
starters. By season's end, the Bears should 
be good enough to make a run at Cleve- 
land State. New coach Bob Hallberg will 
try to teach the llinois-Chicago Flames 
some defense, while Wisconsin-Green 
Bay, a tough man-to-man defensive team, 
will look for additional offense. 


MIDEASTERN. 


Pity the poor fellows who have to play 


26 North Carolina A & T in the Mideastern 


Athletic Conference, Even though the Ag- 

gies lost guard George Cale, the М.Е.А.С. 

Player of the Year last season, they return 

three starters and are the favorites to win 

their seventh straight title. Southern Caro- 

lina State and Howard will be A & T's on- 
rious competition, 


MIDWESTERN 


If you missed the Byron Larkin/Xavier 
act in 1986-1987, there’s a good chance 
you'll sce an encore this season that's even 
better. Xavier won the Midwestern Colle- 
giate Conference championship last year, 
upset a very good Missouri team in the 
first round of the N.C.A.A. and nearly up- 
set Duke in the second round. Lark 
one of the best guards in the country. 

Evansville, no slouch last year at 16-12, 
returns all five starters, the best of whom is 
hard-nosed transfer Marty Simmons, once 
the apple of Bob Knights eye at Indiana. 
St. Louis, 25—10 and an N.LT. participant 
last year, has an extremely competitive 
team led by forward Roland Gray. Loyola 
of Chicago plays a frenetic up-tempo game 
that can wear better teams down. 


MISSOURI VALLEY 


Bradley University, located in Peoria, 
Illinois, has traditionally recruited players 
from Chicago's inner-city schools. When 
they got Playboy All-America Hersey 
Hawkins from the Windy City's Westing- 
house High School, they got one of the 
best players in the nation. Bradley has all 
five starters back, and with the team ad- 
justed to second-year coach Stan Albeck's 

ide-open game, the Braves should win 
the conference crown. 

Wichita State has several experienced 
players back but will have to replace its 
top two rebounders from last year. Illinois 
State returns four starters from a 19-13 
team. Tulsa tries to improve with the addi- 
tion of several talented junior college 
transfers, one of whom, Jeff Sadowski, al- 
legedly has a vertical jump of + inches. 


OHIO VALLEY. 


When Austin Peay defeated Illinois 
68-67 in the first round of the N.C.A.A. 
tournament last year to the raucous chant 
“Let's go, Peay” from its fans, it served no- 
tice that the Ohio Valley Conference is 
ready to compete on a big-time level 
college basketball, Even though Austin 
Peay lost four starters from that team, in- 
cluding strong man Darryl Bedford, it may 
be able to fight its way into post-season 
play once again, thanks to several out- 
standing transfers. Barry Sumpter, who 
came over from Louisville, may be the 
dominant big man in the conference. 

Improved quickness will make Middle 
‘Tennessee State an even more formidable 
contender than it was last year, when it 
finished 22-7. Eastern Kentucky has four 
starters from last year’s squad, which ac- 
cumulated 19 wins. Tennessce State, a 
conference newcomer, will be competitive 
behind the shooting of Anthony Mason 


(19.5 p.p-g.). Youngstown State, with for- 
ward Tilman Bevely (23.6 p.p.g.), also has 
to be taken seriously. 


PACIFIC COAST 


When asked to name the three best 
teams in the Pacific Coast Athletic Associ- 
ation, an official from one school an- 
swered, “UNLV, UNLV, UNLV.“ Who 
can blame him for sounding shell- 
shocked? Jerry Tarkanian's Runnin’ Reb- 
cls were 18-0 in conference play last year 
and 37-1 until they lost to Indiana in the 
N.C.A.A. semifinals. Armon Gilliam, the 
second the N.B.A. draft, and Fred- 
die Banks are gone, but Gerald Paddio 
and Jarvis Basnight are back. UNLV will 
still be the class of the P.C.A.A 

Bill Berry, the coach for San Jose State, 
gets no complaints about playing his son 
Ricky all the time. Ricky, a two-time 
Playboy All-America, is one of the best 
and biggest (6787) guards in the nation. 
San Jose State will churn out lots of offense 
but probably doesn't have enough balance 
to catch Las Vegas. Cal State Fullerton 
and California-Santa Barbara cach have 
three starters back from teams that had 
winning records last vear, but they and the 
rest of the conference will continue to be 
overshadowed by Tarkanian's troops. 


Pac I0. 


Coach Lute Olson and Arizona 
Wildcats may finally attract some national 
basketball attention this vear. Olson has 
all five starters returning from last sea- 
son's 18-12 squad, including forward 
Sean Elliott, the first Pac 10 sophomore to 
score 1000 points over two seasons. The 
best news of all is that Steve Kerr, the Pac 
10's top point guard two ycars ago, returns 
to the team alter missing last season be- 
cause of a knee injury. 

UCLA has some superathletes, particu- 
larly guard Jerome “Pooh” Richardson. 
However, coach Walt Hazzard and the 
Bruins will miss the outside scoring touch 
of Reggie Miller. One step down from Ari- 
zona and UCLA are Stanford and Oregon 
State. Both teams lost only onc starter 
from last year, though Oregon State is 
likely to feel more acutely the loss of theirs, 
center Jose Ortiz. Coach George Raveling 
of Southern California has yet to unravel 
the mystery of building a winner with the 
Trojans, but they should finish beter than 
last season’s last place, California, which 
had a 20-win season last year, has lost 
four starters to graduation, Fortunately. 
standout forward Leonard Taylor is back 
after а scare with a spinal injury. 


SOUTHEASTERN 


ile Florida has lost half (Andrew 
Moten) of its M&M guard combination, 
the better. M, Vernon Maxwell, is back, 
as is huge (737) sophomore center 
Dwayne Schintzius. With the addition of 
some freshmen recruits on the front 
line, the Gators appear to be the strongest 
of the strong im the highly competitive 


Southeastern Conference. 

Kentucky, down a notch last season 
from its usual position of national promi- 
nence, has four starters back from last 
year, including the phenomenally talented 
Rex Chapman, If Winston Bennett can 
make a successful return from a knee in- 
jury and freshmen LeRon Ellis and Eric 
Manuel live up to expectations, the Wild- 
cats will do much better, 

When Georgia lost three of its best play- 
ers last year to academic problems and іп 
jury, you might have expected the team to 
fold. Instead, the players rallied around 
6'7" guard Willie Anderson and finished a 
surprising third in the S.E.C. Anderson is 
back, as is Toney Mack, an academic casu- 
alty last season. 

Louisiana State 
can be expected to 
play its usual split 
season: During the 
regular scason, the 
team often threat- 
ens to disappear un- 
der the weight of 
опе of the nation’s 
toughest schedules, 
but in post-season 
play, Playboy’s 
Coach of the Year, 
Dale Brown, has 
the Tigers ready to 
take on all comers. 
In the past two 
seasons, LSU has 
won seven N.C.A.A 
tournament games, 
and it came within 
one basket of beat- 
ing last year's 
champ, Indiana, in 
the regional finals. 
Straight-faced, 
Brown says that 
LSU does so well in 
post-season play be- 
cause “[the team 
members] dare to 
love each other. And 
if that sounds drip- 
ру, 1 don't apolo- 
«ize Ы 

Auburn will look 
for better rebound- 
ing and depth in the front court to improve 
оп last scason’s 18-13 record. Coach 
С. M. Newton has seven-foot Will Perdue 
back at center for the Vanderbilt Com- 
modores but not much talent at the for- 
ward position. Alabama, one of the most 
powerful teams last year, is reeling due to 
the premature loss of premiere center Der- 
rick McKey to agent machinations. Coach 
Wimp Sanderson has only one starter 
back. 


SOUTHERN 


There's no question that Marshall's 
Thundering Herd knows how to handle its 
competition in the Southern Conference 


(it was 15-1 last season). And coach Rick 
Huckabay has been 0 overall since he 
left his job a sistant to LSU's Dale 
Brown three years ago. But Marshall has 
lacked the ability to win in post-season, 
falling meekly (76-60) to Texas Christian 
in last year's first round of the N.C.A.A. 
tournament, Huckabay has all five starters 
returning, including high-scoring (21 
p-p-g.) guard Skip Henderson. 

Tennessee-Chattanooga has a good 
coach in Mack McCarthy and an excellent 
scorer and rebounder in forward Lance 
Fulse (14.9 p.p.g.). Two other hopefuls in 
the Southern are Furman and Davidson, 
each of which returns three starters from 
last season. 


^ maretto; di 


Ί send a git of Amaretto di Saronno sera 
„5#ўгоо! © 1987, Imported by The Paddington Corpo 


SOUTHLAND 


The Southland Conference is a Texas- 
Louisiana league made up partly of teams 
from the now-defunct Gulf Star Confer 
ence. Stephen F. Austin was one of the 
leading teams in the nation in three-point 
percentage last усаг, That translated into 
a 10-0 record in the Gulf Star and a trip to 
the МІТ. Eric Rhodes and Scott Dimak, 
Austin’s three-point gunners, are back, 
and the Lumberjacks figure to win the 
Southland this year. Northeast Louisiana, 
Sam Houston State and McNeese State 
look like the other title contenders. 


SOUTHWEST 


The best teams in the Southwest Con- 


мв U.S. call 1-800-243- N 
fori Lo NJPhoto: Көй Nahim. 


ference are Arkansas, Baylor and Southern 
Methodist. Coach Nolan Richardson, who 
had such a great career (119-37) at Tulsa. 
is beginning his third season at Arkansas 
Richardson got 19 wins out of a very 
young, inexperienced group last year, and 
with everyone back, the Razorbacks 
should be better 

‘Two years ago, coach Gene Iba and the 
Baylor basketball program were distracted 
by an extensive N.C.A.A, in ation. 
With the cloud lified last year, 
managed 18 wins and a trip to the N.IT 
With four starters back, Baylor will press 
Arkansas for the $.W.C. title. 

With this year's football schedule can- 
celed by the N.C.A.A. for numerous and 
repeated recruiting violations, maybe 

- Southern Metho- 
dist’s basketball 
team can get a little 
attention from Mus- 
tangs fans. SMU, 
led by guard Kato 
Armstrong (17.3 
P-P-g-), should be 
improved in scoring, 
rebounding and de- 
fense. 

Texas Tech has 
guard Scan Gay (15 
p-p-g-) but not 
enough other talent 
to challenge. Hous- 
ton continues to live 
in the shadow of the 
great Phi Slamma 
Jamma teams of the 
past. Texas Chris- 
tian, 24-7 last ycar, 
will be down aficr 
losing four starters. 


Baylor 


SOUTHWESTERN 


The nod in thc 
Southwestern. Con- 
ference gocs to 
Southern Universi- 
ty, primarily be- 
cause of point 
producer Kevin 
Florent (17.1 p.p.g.) 
and guard Avery 
Johnson, who led 
the nation in 
last scason, Pressing Southern for the con- 
ference title will be Grambling State, Al- 
сога State and Alabama State. 


assists 


SUN BELT 


Anyone locking to start a winning 
Division I basketball program ought to 
steal a page from Alabama-Birmingham 
Or maybe the best thing would be simply 
to try to steal Gene Bartow. Since he start- 
cd UAB's basketball program in 1978, the 
Blazers have been 194-94, with seven 
N.C.A.A. appearances, Barıow and UAB 
have a ton of talent returning from last sea- 
son's 21-11 team and arc the team to beat 
in the Sun Belt 

In only three seasons, former N.B.A. 


PLAYBOY 


great Jeff Mullins has coached North Car- 
olina-Charlotte from oblivion to 18 wins 
last year. Guard Byron Dinkins will lead 
UNC-Charlotte's charge at Alabama- 
Birmingham. Jacksonville has enough size 
(Emmett Smith, seven feet) and skill 
(Troy Mundine and transfer Curtis Tay- 
lor) to hope for post-season play. Western 
Kentucky and V Commonwealth 
are both weaker than usual. 


TRANS AMERICA, 


The Trans America is yet another of the 
smaller basketball conferences in which 
the quality of play is potentially high 
enough to catapult a team into national 
prominence. There are threc teams in the 
conference—Arkansas-Little Rock, Stet- 
son and Texas-San Antonio—with such 
|. Arkansas—Little Rock, which 
made it to the N.LT. final four last year, 
brings back four of its five starters, plus a 
couple of hot prospects, Proposition 48 re- 
tumer James Scott and junior college 
transfer Johnnie Bell. Stetson coach Dr. 
Glenn Wilkes has had only five losing sea- 
sons in 30 years, and three starters are 
back from last season's 18-13 squad, in- 
cluding forward Randy Anderson (15.8 
p-p-g.). Dr. Wilkes and the Hatters should 
surpass .500 with е Coach Ken 
Burmeister and Texas-San Antonio are 
promising to put basketball on the South 
Texas map this year. The Roadrunners 
have more depth and size than last season 
Georgia Southern was the conference 
tournament champ last year but was un- 
lucky enough to draw Syracuse in the first 
round of the N.C.A.A. tournament. De- 
spite returning three starters, it is unlikely 
to get as far this season. Houston Baptist, 
second in the conference last year, is big 
but inexperienced. 


WEST COAST 
Paul Westhead, former N.B.A. coach 


with the L.A. Lakers and the Chicago 
Bulls, adds three outstanding trai Bo 


Kimble, Hank Gathers and Corey Gaines, 
to a talented Loyola Marymount’ team. 
Last year’s conference scoring leader, 
Mike Yoest (19.3 p.p.g.), returns for his 
senior year. 

Pepperdine, 25-5 two years ago, fell on 
hard times last season (12-18) before re- 
viving somewhat to finish second in the 
conference tournament. “The Waves will 
start stronger this year. Santa Clara and 
St. Mary's both have outside shots at the 
conference title. St. Mary’s must improve 
оп the boards; Santa Clara lacks depth 
and quickness. San Diego, 13-1 in the 
conference last year, will suffer through a 
rebuilding year. 


WESTERN 

When you think of Wyoming, images of 
snowy peaks, antelope and cowbo 
to mind. But the University of Wyoming 
has assembled its own bunch of Cowboys, 
who can shoot the lights out with basket- 
balls, not bullets. The fastest gun in the 
Cowboy posse is a fellow with the unlikely 
handle of Fennis Dembo (20.3 p.pg.). 
Riding shotgun for Dembo is 611” 
Playboy All-America Eric Leckner, the 
best center west of the Mississi 
Benny Dees, formerly of New Or 


come 


replaced Jim Brandenburg, who high- 
tailed it for San Diego State. 

Brigham Young, 21-11 last season, has 
lost three starters but, fortunately, returns 
Michael Smith (20.1 p.p.g.), one of the 
best junior forwards in the nation. Lack of 
depth and experience is a big hurdle for 


even with Hunter Greene (21.1 p.p.g.) 
back for his senior year. Texas-El Paso, 
winner of five W.A.C. z a row, has 
to rebuild in a ycar that finds most other 
conference teams improved, Utah has four 
starters back, and plenty of aspirations, 
but not enough over-all talent to make a 
serious bid for the conference crown. 


“Oh, gosh, that was 1966 and it was just a little 
tricycle. You don't need to thank me now.” 


INDEPENDENTS 


Dallas Comegys, the last DePaul team 
member to play under Ray Mever, has de- 
parted, and DePaul fans are finally Бе 
g to think of Joey Meyer as the coach 
stead of as the coach's son. Joey, who 
has seemed tentative at times, has never- 
theless compiled a 65. record over the 
past three years, including two trips to the 
Final 16. The talent recruited by DePaul 
continues to be superb. Playboy All-Amer- 
ica Rod Strickland is a great penetrator 
and an excellent scorer (16.3 p.p.g.). If the 
Blue Demons can get strong inside play 
from returning Kevin Edwards and Stan- 
ley Brundy, they could find their way to 
the Final 16 again. 

Last year, Notre Dame point guard 
Rivers recovered from a serii 
tomobile accident in August and still man- 
aged to average 15.7 p.p.g. As for his 

ity, coach Digger 
s that he could put Rivers 
and four student managers on the floor 
and still have a pretty good team. To get 
post-season play, Notre Dame 
have to be more than pretty good— 
which may be a problem, because its in- 
side game will miss the departed Donald 
Royal. However, Phelps always gets the 
maximum out of the talent on hand 

Miami will get its program over the 500 
mark this season as Tito Horford, the 771” 
giant wha cansed such a stir a comple of 
years ago in trying to find a school that 
would have him, begins to fulfill his poten- 
tial. The Hurricanes have excellent size 
and quickness and could surprise more 
than a couple of the superpower squads 

While Spa. bas talented guards. 
Michael “Pops” ns and Tony Smith, it 
will beyoungand inexperienced in the front 
court. Much will depend on the develop- 
ment of 6'10" freshman center Rod Grosse. 

Coach Don Donoher has had only three 
losing seasons in 23 years at Dayton, E; 
though the Flyers are young (four sopho- 
mores will start), don't ber against. their 
ending up on the plus side of .500. Next 
Dayton joins the Midwestern Col- 
giate Conference. 

Evangelist Oral Roberts may have dı 
some strange things this year, but rehi 
Ken Trickey as head coach of the Oral 
Roberts University basketball program 
was not one of them. Trickey coached Oral 
Roberts to a record of 118-23 during his 
previous tenure (1969-1974). This is the 
school’s first season as an independent 
since leaving the Midwestern. 

Akron, Maryland-Baltimore County 
and Central Florida are all solid programs 
and аге improving. Wright State and Mi 
souri-Kansas City make their debuts this 


is au- 


very 


Here's hoping your team wins. 


THE SURGEON 


(continued from page 76) 

thought he might leave early 
"There's nothing that can't wait until 
Monday,” the secretary said, sensing that 
for once this most hard-working of men 
had some special reason for wanting to go. 
ings of my own Га 


“Гуе got a few th 
very much like to do. 

“Off you go, Mr. Sandy,” she said. “Try 
to get some rest over the weekend. ГЇЇ see 
you on Monday.” 

In the hospital rk, Robert Sandy 
unchained his bicycle and mounted it and 
rode out onto the Woodstock Road. He 
still bicycled to work every day unless the 
weather was foul. It kept him in shape, 
and it also meant his 
wile could have the 
car. There was 
nothing odd about 
that. Half the popu- 
lation of Oxford 
rode on bicycles. He 
turned right on the 
Woodstock Road 
and headed for The 
High. The only 
good jeweler in 
town had his shop 
on The High, half- 
way up on the right, 
and he was called 
H. F. Gold. It said 
so above the win- 
dow, and most pco- 
ple knew that H 


stood for Harry 
Harry Gold had 
been there a long 
time, but Robert 


had been inside only 
once, years ago, to 
buy а small bracelet 
for his daughter as 
a confirmation pres- 
ent 

He parked his 
bike against the 
curb outside the 
shop and went in. A 
woman behind the 
counter asked if she 
could help him. 

Is Mr. Gold in?” Robert Sandy said 
Yes, he is." 

“I would like to see him privately for a 
few moments, if 1 may. My 
Sandy." 

“Just a minute, please.” The woman 
disappeared through a door at the back, 
but in 30 seconds she returned and said, 
“Will you come this way, please." 

Robert Sandy walked into a large, un- 
tidy office in which a small oldish man was 
scated behind a partner's desk. He wore a 
gray goatee and steel spectacles, and he 
stood up as Robert approached him 

“Mr. Gold, my name is Robert Sandy. I 
am a surgeon at The Radclilfe. I wonder if 
you can help me.” 


name is 


“TH do my best, Mr. Sandy 
down.” 

“Well, it’s an odd story,” Robert Sandy 
said. “T recently operated on one of the 
Saudi princes. He's in his third year at 
Magdalen and he'd been involved іп a 
nasty car accident. Now he has given me, 
or rather, his father has given me a fairly 
wonderful-looking diamond.” 

“Good gracious me," Mr. Gold said. 

How very exciting." 

1 didn’t want to accept it, but Pm 
id it was more or less forced on тс.” 
‘And you would like me to look at it?” 

“Yes, I would. You see, I haven't the 
faintest idea whether it’s worth five hun- 
dred pounds or five thousand, and it's only 
sensible that I should know roughly what 


Please sit 


afr 


the value is 

“Of course you should,” Harry Gold 
said. “ГИ be glad о help you. Doctors at 
The Radcliffe have helped me a great deal 
over the years.” 

Robert Sandy took the black pouch out 
of his pocket and placed it on the desk 
Harry Gold opened the pouch and tipped 
the diamond into his hand. As the stone 
fell into his palm, there was a moment 
when the old man appeared to freeze. His 
whole body became motionless as he sat 
there staring at the brilliant shining ching 
that lay before him. Slowly, he stood up. 
He walked over to the window and held 
the stone so that daylight fell upon it. He 
turned it over with one finger. He didn’t 


word. His expression never changed 
Still holding the diamond, he returned to 
his desk, and from a drawer he took out a 
single shect of clean white paper. He made 
a loose fold in the paper and placed the dia- 
mond in the fold. Then he returned to the 
window and stood there for a full minute, 
studying the diamond that lay on the paper 

“I am looking at the color,” he said at 
last. “That's the first thing to do. One al- 
ways does that against a fold of white pa- 
per and preferably in a north light.” 

“Is that a north light?” 

“Yes, it is. This stone is a wonderful col 
or, Mr. Sandy. As fine a D color as Гус 
seen. In the trade, the very best-quality 
white is called a D color. In some places. 
it’s called river. A layman would call it 
blue-white.” 

“It doesnt look 
very blue to me.” 
Robert Sandy said 

The purest 
whites always con- 
tain a trace of blue,” 
Harry Gold said 
Thays why in the 
old days, 
ways put a blue bag 
in the washing wa- 


they al- 


ter. It made the 
clothes whiter.” 
"Ah. yes, of 


course.” 

Harry Gold went 
back to his desk and 
took out from an- 
other drawer a sort 
of hooded magnify- 
ing glass. “This is a 
ten-times loupe,” he 
said, holding it up. 

“What did 
call и?” 

“A loupe. It is 
simply а jeweler’s 
magnifier. With 
this, 1 can examine 
the stone for imper- 
fections.”” 

Back again at the 
window, Harry 
Gold began a mi- 
nute examination сі 
the diamond 
through the ten-times loupe, holding the 
paper with the stone on it in one hand and 
the loupe in the other. This proecss took 
maybe four minut 
watched him and kept quiet. 

So far as I can sce," Harry Gold said, 
it is completely flawless. It really is a 

The quality is superb 
fine, though 


you 


Robert Sandy 


most lovely stone 
and the cutting is very 
definitely not modern." 
“Approximately how many facets would 
there be on a diamond like that?” Robert 
Sandy asked. 
“Filty-cight.”” 
“You mean you know exactly? 
Yes, I know exactly.” 
“Good Lord. And what, roughly, would 


209 


PLAYBOY 


210 


you say it is worth 

“A diamond like this," Harry Gold 
said, ta from the paper and placing 
it in his palm, “а D-color stone of this size 
and clarity would command on inquiry a 
trade price of between twenty-five and 
thirty thousand dollars a carat. In the 
shops, it would cost you double that. Up to 
sixty thousand dollars a carat in the retail 
market.” 

“Great Scot Robert Sandy cried, 
jumping up. The little jeweler’s words 
scemed to have lifted him clean out of his 
Seat. He stood there, stunned. 

“And now,” Harry Gold was saying, 
“we must find out precisely how many 
carats it weighs.” He crossed over to a 
shelf on which there stood a small metal 
apparatus. “This is simply an electronic 
scale,” he said. He slid back a glass door 
and placed the diamond inside. He twid- 
dled a couple of knobs, then read off the 
figures on a dial. "It weighs fifteen point 
two seven carats,” he said. “And that, in 
case it interests you, makes it worth about 
half a million dollars in the trade and 
more than one ion dollars if you 
bought it in a shop.” 

“You arc ig me nervous,” 
Sandy said, laughing nervously. 

“If I owned it,” Harry Gold 
would make me very nervous. Sit 
again, Mr. Sandy, so you don’t faint.” 

Robert Sandy sat down. 

Harry Gold took his time settling him- 
self into his chair behind the big partner's 
desk. “This is quite an occasion, Mr. 
Sandy,” he said. “I don't often have the 
pleasure of giving someone quite such a 
startlingly wonderful shock as this. I think 
I'm enjoying it more than you arc." 

“I am too shocked to be really enjoyi 
it yet,” Robert Sandy said ve me a 


Robert 


moment or two to recover.” 

"Mind you" Harry Gold said, "onc 
wouldn't expect much less from the king of 
the Saudis. Did you save the young 
prince's life?” 

“I suppose I did, yes.” 

“Then that expl it.” Harry Gold 
had put the diamond back onto the fold of 
white paper on his desk, and he sat there. 
looking at it with thc cyes of a man who 
loved what he saw. “My guess is that this 
stone came from the treasure chest of old 
King ibn-Saud of Arabia. If that is the 
case, then it will be totally unknown in the 
trade, which mak even more desirable. 
Are you going to sell it?” 

“Oh, gosh, I don't know what I am go- 
ing to do with it," Robert Sandy said. “It’s 
all so sudden and confusing.” 

“Мау I give you some advice?” 

“Please do.” 

“If you are going to sell it, you should 
take it to auction, An unseen stone like this 
would attract a lot of interest, and the 
wealthy private buyers would be sure to 
come in and bid against the trade. And if 
you were able to reveal its provenance as 
well, telling them that it came dircctly 
from the Saudi royal family, then the price 
would go through the roof." 

“You have been more than kind to me,” 
Robert Sandy said. “When I do decide to 
sell it, I shall come first of all to you for 
adyice. But tell me, does a diamond really 
cost twice as much in the shops as it does 
in the trade?” 

“I shouldn't be telling you th 
Gold said, “but I'm afraid it doc 

So if you buy one in Bond Street or 
anywhere else like that, you are actually 
pa s intrinsic worth?" 

"That's more or less right. A lot of 
young ladies have received nasty shocks 


Harry 


050 


| 


“And you don't have to worry about my orgasm. I took 
care of it before you got here.” 


when they've tried to resell jewelry that 
has been given to them by gentlemen.” 

So diamonds are not a girl's best 
friend? 


v are still very friendly things to 
have,” Harry Gold said, “as you have just 
found out. But they are not generally a 
good investment for the amateur.” 

Outside in The High, Robert Sandy 
mounted his bicycle and headed for home. 
He was fecling lightheaded. It was as 
though he had just finished a whole bottle 
of good wine all by himself. Here he was, 
solid old Robert Sandy, sedate and sensi- 
ble, cycling through the streets of Oxford 
more п a million dollars in the 
pocket of his old twced jacket! It was mad- 
ness. But it was truc. 

He arrived back at his house in Acacia 
Road at about half past four and parked 
his bike in the garage alongside the car. 
Suddenly, he found himself running along 
the little concrete path that led to the front 
door, “Now, stop that!” he said aloud, 
pulling up short. “Calm down. You've got 
to make this really good for Betty. Unfold 
it slowly." But, oh, he simply could not 
шай to give the news to his lovely wife and 
watch her face as he told her the whole sto- 
ry of his afternoon. He found her in the 
Kitchen, packing some homemade jam into 
a basket. 

“Robert!” she cricd, delighted as always 
to see him. “You're home ea How 
nice!” 

He kissed her and sai 
early, aren't 1?” 

“You haven't forgotten we're going to 
the Renshaws’ for the weekend? We have 
to leave fairly soon.” 

“I had forgotten," he said. “Or maybe 
I hadn't. Perhaps that’s why I'm home 
carly.” 

1 thought Га take Margaret some 


"pb am a bit 


jam. 

“Good,” he said. “Very good. You take 
her some jam. That's a very good idea to 
take Margaret some jam.” 

‘There was something in the way he was 
acting that made her swing round and 
stare at him. “Robert,” she said, "what's 
happened? There’s something the mat- 
ter.” 

“Pour us each a drink," he sai 
got a bit of news for you.” 

“Oh, darling, it’s not something awful, 


ve 


No,” he said. “It’s something funny. I 
think you'll like it." 

“You've been made head of surgery?" 

“It’s funnier than that," he said. “Go 
on, make a good stiff drink for each of us 
and sit down and ГИ tell you.” 

“Its a bit carly for drinks," she said, 
but she got the ice tray from the fridge and 
started. making his w and soda 
While she was doing this, she kept glanc- 
ing up at him nervously. She said, “I don't 
think Гус ever scen you quite like this be- 
forc. You arc wildly excited about somc- 
thing and you are pretending to be very 
calm. You're all red in thc face. Arc you 


sure it’s good news?” 

“1 think it is,” he said, “but WII let you 
judge that for yourself” He sat down at 
the kitchen table and watched her as she 
put the glass of whisky in front of him. 

“All right,” she said. “Come on. Let's 
have it.” 

“Get a drink for yourself first,” he said 

“My goodness, what is this?" she said, 
but she poured some gin into a glass and 
was reaching for the ice tray when he said, 
‘More than that. Give yourself a good, 
stiff one.” 

“Now I am worried,” she said, but she 
did as she was told and then filled the glass 
up with tonic and ice. “Now, then,” she 
said, sitting down beside him at the table. 
“Get it off your chest.” 

Robert began telling his story. He start- 
ed with the prince in the consulting room 
and he spun it out long and well, so that it 
took a good ten minutes belore he came to 
the diamond. 

“It must be quite a whopper,” she said, 
“to make you go all red in the face and 
funny-looking.”” 

He reached into his pocket and took out 
the little black pouch and put it on the 
table. “There itis,” he said, “What do you 
think?" 

She loosened the silk cord and tipped 
the stone into her hand. “Oh, my God!” 
she cried. “It's absolutely stunning!” 

“It mon 

“It's amazing 

“1 haven't told you the whole story yet,” 
he said, and while his wife rolled the dia- 
mond from the райт of one hand to the 
other, he went on to tell her about his visit 
to Harry Gold in The High. When he 
came to the point where the jeweler began 
to talk about value, he stopped and said, 
“So what do you think he said it was 


ig," she said. “Its 
bound to be. I mean, just look at it!” 
Јо on, then, make a guess. 


much?" 


How 


“Ten thousand pounds,” she said. “1 re- 
айу don’t have any idea.” 


“Try again 

“You mean it’s more?” 

“Yes, it's quite a lot more. 

“Twenty thousand pounds! 

“Would you be thrilled 
as much as that?" 

“Of course I would, darling. Is it really 
worth twenty thousand pounds?” 

Yes," he said. "And the rest" 

“Now, don't bea beast, Robert. Just tell 
me what Mr. Gold said.” 

“Take another drink of gin.” 

She did so, then put down the glass, 
looking at him and waiting. 

"It is worth at least half a million dol- 
lars and very probably over a million.” 

“You're joking!” Her words came out in 
a kind of gasp. 
175 known as a pear-shape,” he said. 
“And where it comes toa point at this end, 
it’s as sharp as a needle. 

"I'm completely stunned,” she said, 


it was worth 


still gasping 
fou wouldn't have thought half a mil- 
lion, would you?” 

“Гуе never in my life had to think in 
those sorts of figures,” she said. She stood 
up and went over to him and gave him a 
huge hug and a kiss. “You really are the 
most wonderful and stupendous man in 
the world!” she cried 

“I was totally bowled over,” he said. “1 
still am." 

“Oh, Robert!" she cried, gazing at him 
with eyes bright as two stars 
alize what this means? It means we can get 
Diana and her husband out of that horrid 
little flat and buy them a small house!” 

“By golly, you're right!” 

“And we can buy a decent flat for John 
and give him a better allowance all the 
way through medical school! And Ben . 
Ben won't have to go on a motorbike 
to work all through the freezing win- 
ters. We can get him something better. 
And and and... 

“And what?” he asked her, smiling at 

her. 
“And you and 1 can take a really good 
holiday for once and go wherever we 
please! We can go to Egypt and Turke 
and you can visit Baalbek and all the other 
places you've been longing to go to for 
years and years!” She was quite breathless 
with the vista of small pleasures that were 
unfolding in her dreams. “And you can 
start collecting some really nice pieces for 
once in your life, as well!” 

Ever since he had been a student, 
Robert Sandy's passion had been the his- 
tory of the Mediterranean countries— Ita- 
ly, Greece, Turkey, Syria and Egypt—and 
he had made himself into something of an 
expert on the ancient worlds of these vari- 
ous civilizations. He had done it by read- 
ing and studying and by visiting, when he 
had the time, the British Museum and the 
Ashmolean. But with three children to cd- 
ucate and with a job that paid only a rca- 
sonable salary, he had never been able to 
indulge this passion as he would have 
liked. He wanted above all to visit some of 
the grand remote regions of Asia Minor 
and also the now below-ground city of 
Babylon in Iraq, and he would love to see 
the Arch of Ctesiphon and the Sphinx at 
Memphis and a hundred other things and 
places, but neither the time nor the money 
had ever been available. Even so, the long 
coflee table in the living room was covered 
with small objects and fragments that he 
had managed to pick up cheaply here and 
there throughout his life. There was a mys- 
terious pale-alabaster ushabti from Upper 
Egypt, which he knew was from about 
1000 вс. There was a bronze bowl from 
Lydia with an engraving on it of a horse, 
and an early Byzantine twiste T 
necklace, and a section of a wooden paint- 
ed mask from an Egyptian sarcophagus, 
and a Roman redwarc bowl, and a small 
black Etruscan dish and perhaps 50 other 
gile and interesting little pieces. None 
particularly valuable, but Robert 


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PLAYBOY 


212 


Sandy loved them all. 
"Wouldn't that be marvelous?” his wife 

was saying. "Where shall we go first?" 

“Turkey,” he said. 


on the kitchen 
table, “you'd better put your fortune away 


mond that lay sparklin; 


somewhere safe before you lose it.” 

“Today is Friday,” he said. “When do 
we get back from the Renshaws’?” 
ight.” 

And what are we going to do with our 
million-dollar rock meanwhile? Take it 
with us in my pocket?" 

“No,” she said. “That would be silly 
You really cannot walk around with a mil- 
lion dollars in your pocket for a whole 
weekend. It’s got to go straight into a safe- 
deposit box at the bank. We should do it 
now." 

“It’s Friday night, my darling. All the 
banks are closed ull next Monday.” 

“So they are," she s “Well, then, 
we'd better hide it somewhere in the 
house.” 

The house will be empty till we come 
7 he said. “I don't think that's a very 
good idea.” 

“T's better th: 
your pocket or in my handbag.” 

“Pm not leaving it in the house. An 
empty house is liable to be burgled.” 

“Come on, darling,” she said, “surely 
we can think of a place where no one could 
possibly find it.” 

“Tn the teapot,” he said. 

“Or bury it in the sugar basin,” 
said. 

“Or put it in the bowl of one of my pipes 
in the pipe rack,” he said. “With some to- 
bacco over it.” 

“Or under the soil of the azalea plant,” 
she said. 

“Hey, that's not bad, Betty. Thar's the 
best so far.” 

They sat at the kitchen table with the 
shining stone lying there between them, 
wondering very seriously what to do with 
it for the next two days while they were 
away. 

“I still think it’s best if I take it with 
me,” he said. 

“I don't, Robert. You'll be feeling in 
your pocket every five minutes to make 
sure it’s still there. You won't relax for one 
moment.” 

“I suppose you're right,” he said. “Very 
well, then. Shall we bury it under the soil 
of the azalea plant in the sitting room? No 
‘one’s going to look there.” 

“It's not one hundred percent safe,” she 
said. “Someone could knock the pot over 
and the soil would spill out on the floor 
and—presto!—there’s a sparkling dia- 
mond lying there. 

“It's a thousand to one against that,” he 
said. “It’s a thousand to one against the 
house being broken into, anyway.” 

“No, it’s not,” she said. “Houses are be- 
ing burgled every day. 175 not worth 
chancing it. But, look, darling, I'm not go- 
ng to let this thing become a nuisance to 


n carrying it around in 


she 


you, or a worry." 

“I agree with that," he said. 

They sipped their drinks for a while in 
silence. 

“Гус got it!” she cried, leaping up from 
her chair. “I’ve thought of a marvelous 
place!” 

“Where?” 

“In here!” she cried, picking up the ice 
tray and pointing to one of the empty com- 
partments. “We'll just drop it in here and 
fill it with water and put it back 
fridge. In an hour or two, it'll be hidden 
inside a solid block of ice, and even if you 
у vouldn't be able to see it.” 

Robert Sandy stared at the ice tray. 
“It’s fantastic!” he said. “You're a genius! 
Let’s do it right away 

“Shall we really do 

“Of course. It’s a ter 

She picked up the diamond and placed 
itin one of the little empty compartments. 
She went to the sink and carelully filled 
the whole tray with water. She opened the 
door of the freezer section of the fridge and 
slid the tray in. “It's the top tray on the 
left,” she said. "We'd better remember 
that. And it'll be in the block of ice farthest 
away on the right-hand side of the tray.” 

“The top tray on the left," he said. “Got 
it. I feel better now that its tucked safely 
away.” 

“Finish your drink, darling," she said. 
“Then we must be off. Гус packed your 
case for you. And we'll try not to think 
about our million dollars anymore until 
we come back.” 

“Do we talk about it to other people?” 
he asked her. “Like the Renshaws or any- 
one else who might be there?” 

wouldn't," she said. “It’s such an in- 
credible story it would soon spread around 
all over the place. Next thing you know, it 
would be in the papers.” 

“I don't think the king of the Saudis 
would like that,” he s; 

“Nor do L So let's say nothing at the 
moment." 

“1 agree," 
kind of publici 

“You'll be able to get yourself a new 
car," she said, laughing. 

“So I will. ГИ get one for you, too. 
What kind would you like, darling?” 

Pit think about it,” she said. 

Soon after that, the two of them drove 
off to the Renshaws' for the weekend. It 
wasn’t far, just beyond Whitney, some 30 
minutes from their own house. Charley 
Renshaw was a consultant physician at the 
hospital, and the families had known each 
other for many years. The weekend was 
pleasant and uneventful, and on Sunday 
evening Robert and Betty Sandy drove 
home, arriving at the house Acacia 
Road at about seven вм. Robert took the 
two small suitcases from the car and they 
walked up the path together. He unlocked 
the front door and held it open for his wife. 

“ГИ make some scrambled eggs,” she 
said, “and crispy bacon. Would you like a 
drink first, darling: 


he said. "I would hate any 


“Why not?” he said. 
He closed the door and was about to 
carry the suitcases upstairs when he heard 
a piercing scream from the living room. 
“Oh, no!” she was crying. “No! No! No!” 
Robert dropped the suitcases and 
rushed in alter her. She was standing there 
pressing her hands to her checks, and al- 
ready tears were streaming down her face. 
The scene in the living room was one of 
utter desolation. The curtains were drawn, 
and they seemed to be the only things that 
remained intact in the room. Everything 
else had been smashed to smithereens. All 
Robert Sandy's precious little objects from 
the coflee table had been picked up and 
flung against the walls and were lying in 
tiny pieces on the carpet. A glass cabinet 
had been tipped over. A chest of drawers 
had had its four drawers pulled out, and 
the contents—photograph albums, games 
of Scrabble and Monopoly and a chess- 
board and chessmen and many other far 
ly things—had been flung across the 
room. Every single bock had been pulled 
cut of the big floor-to-ceiling bookshelves 
against the far wall, and piles of them were 
now lying open and mutilated all over the 
place. The glass on each of the four water 
colors had been smashed and the oil paint- 
ing of their three children, painted when 
they were young, had had its canvas 
slashed many times with a knife. The arm- 
chairs and the sofa had also been slashed 
so that the stuffing was bulging out. Virtu- 
ally everything in the room except the cur- 
tains and the carpet had been destroyed. 
“Oh, Robert,” she cried, falling into his 
arms, “I don't think I can stand this.” 
He didn’t say anything. He felt phy 


al- 


ly 
“Stay therc,” he said. “Pm going to 
look upstairs.” He ran out and took the 
steps two at a time and went first to their 
bedroom. It was the same in there. The 
drawers had been pulled out and the shirts 
and blouses and underclothes were now 
scattered everywhere. The bedclothes had 
been stripped [rom the double bed, and 
even the mattress had been tipped off the 
bed and slashed many times with a knife. 
The cupboards were open, and every dress 
and every suit and every pair of trousers 
and every jacket and every skirt had been 
ripped from its hanger. He didn’t look in 
the other bedrooms. He ran downst: 
and put an arm around his wife's shoul- 
ders, and together they picked their w: 
through the debris of the living room, to- 
ward the kitchen. There they stopped. 
The mess in the kitchen was indescrib- 
able. Almost every single container of any 
sort in the entire room had been emptied 
onto the floor and then smashed to pieces. 
The place was a wasteland of broken jars 
and bottles and food of every kind. All 
Betty's homemade jams and pickles and 
bottled fruits had been swept from the long 
shelf and lay shattered on the ground. The 
same had happened to the stuff in the store 
cupboard—the mayonnaise, the catsup, 
the vinegar, the olive oil, the vegetable oil 


and all the rest. There were two other long 
shelves on the far wall, and on these had 
stood about 20 lovely large glass jars with 
big ground-glass stoppers in which were 
kept rice and four and brown sugar and 
bran and oatmeal and all sorts of other 
things. Every jar now lay on the floor in 
many pieces, with the contents spewed 
around. The refrigerator door was open, 
and the things that had been inside—the 
leftover foods, the milk, the eggs, the but- 
ter, the yogurt, the tomatoes, the lettuce— 
all of them had been pulled out and 
splashed onto the pretty tiled kitchen 
floor. The inner drawers of the fridge had 
been thrown into the mass of slush and 
trampled on. The plastic ice trays had 
been yanked out, and cach had been bro- 
ken in two and thrown away. Even the 
plastic-coated shelves had been ripped out 
of the fridge and bent double and thrown 
down with the rest. All the bottles of 
drink—the whisky, gin, vodka, sherry, 
vermouth, as well as halfa dozen cans of 
becr—were standing on the table, empty. 
The bottles of drink and the beer cans 
seemed to be the only things in the entire 
house that had not been smashed. Practi- 
cally the whole floor lay under a thick lay- 
er of mush and goo. It was as if a gang of 
mad children had been told to see how 
much mess they could make and had suc- 
ceeded brilliantly. 

Robert and Betty Sandy stood on the 
edge of it all, speechless with horror. At 
last Robert said, “I imagine our lovely dia- 
mond is somewhere underneath all that.” 

“I don't give a damn about our dia- 
mond,” Betty said. “Pd like to the 
people who did this.” 

“So would 1,” Robert said. “Гуе got to 
call the police.” He went back into the liv- 
ig room and picked up the telephone. By 
some miracle, it still worked. 

The first squad car arrived ina few min- 
utes. It was followed over the next half 
hour by a police inspector, a couple of 
plainclothesmen, а fingerprint expert and 
a photographer 

‘The inspector had a black mustache 
and a short, muscular body. “These are 
not professional thieves,” he told Robert 
Sandy after he had taken a look round. 
“They weren't even amateur thieves. They 
were simply hooligans off the street. 
Кіта. Yobbos. Probably three of them. 
People like this scout around locking for 
an empty house, and when they find it 
they break in and the first thing they do is 
to hunt out the booze. Did you have much 
alcohol on the premise: 

“The usual stuf” Robert said. 
“Whisky, gin, vodka, sherry and a few 
cans of beer.” 

“They'll hi 
spector said. 


drunk the lot,” the in- 
Lads like these have only 
gs in mind, drink and destruction 
They collect all the booze on a table and 
sit down and drink themselves raving mad. 
"Then they go on the rampage.” 

“You mean they didn’t come in here to 
steal?” Robert asked. 

“I doubt if they've stolen anything at 


all,” the inspector said. “If they'd been 
thieves, they would at least have taken 
your TV set. Instead, they smashed it up.” 

“But why do they do this?” 

“You'd better ask their parents,” the 
inspector said. “They're rubbish; that's all 
they are, just rubbish, People aren't 
brought up right anymore.” 

Then Robert told the inspector about 
the diamond. He gave him all the details 
from the beginning to end, because he re- 
alized that from the police point of view, it 
was likely to be the mest important part of 
the whole bus 

“Half a m 
“Jesus Christ" 

“Probably double that,” Robert said. 

“Then that's the first thing we look for,” 
the inspector said. 

“I personally do not propose to go down 
on my hands and knees grubbing around 
in that pile of slush,” Robert said. ^I don't 
feel like it at this moment.” 

“Leave it to us,” the inspector said 
“We'll find it. That was a clever place to 
hide it.” 

“My wife thought of it. But tell me, 
spector, if by some remote chance they had 
found T 

“Impossible,” the inspector said. "How 
could they?" 

“They might have seen it lying on the 
floor after the ice had melted," Robert 
said. “I agree it’s unlikely. But if they had 
spotted it, would they have taken it?” 

“I think they would,” the inspector 
said. “No one can resist a diamond. It has 
a sort of magnetism about it. Yes, 
them had seen it on the floor, I think he 
would have slipped it into his pocket. But 
don't worry about it, sir. ІСІ turn up. 

“I'm not worrying about it,” Robert 
said. “Right now, I'm worrying about my 
wile and about our house. My wife spent 
years trying to make this place into a good 
home. 

“Now, look, sir,” the inspector said, 
“the thing for you to do tonight is to take 
your wife off to a hotel and get some rest. 
Come hack tomorrow, both of you, and 
well start sorting things out. There'll be 
someone here all the time looking after the 
house." 

“I have to operate at the hospital first 
thing in the morning," Robert said. “But I 
‘expect my wile will try to come along.” 

“Good,” the inspector said. “Its a 
nasty, upsetting business having your 
house ripped apart like this. It's a big 
shock. Гус seen it many times. It hits you 
very hard.” 

Robert and Betty Sandy stayed the 
night at the ıdolph Hotel in Oxford, 
and by cight o'clock the following morn- 
ing, Robert was in the operating theater at 
the hospital, beginning to work his way 
through his morning list 

Shortly after noon, Robert had finished 
his last operation, a straightforward non- 
malignant prostate on an elderly male. He 
removed his rubber gloves and mask and 
went next door to the small surgeons’ rest 
room for a cup of coffee. But before he got 


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his coffec, he picked up the telephone and 
called his wife. 

“How are you, darling?” he said. 

“Oh, Robert, it's so awful,” she said. “I 
just don’t know where to begin.” 

“Have you called the insurance com- 

о" 

“Yes, they’re coming any moment to 
help me make a list.” 

“Good,” he said. 
found our diamond: 

"I'm afraid not," she said. “They've 
been through every bit of that slush in the 
kitchen and they swear it's not there." 

“Then where can it have gone? Do you 
think the vandals found it?” 

“T suppose they must have,” she said. 
“When they broke those ice trays, all the 
ice cubes would have fallen out. They fall 
out when you just bend the tray. They’re 
meant to.” 

“They still wouldn’t have spotted it in 
the ice,” Robert said. 

“They would when the ice melted,” she 
said. “Those men must have been in the 
house for hours. Plenty of time for it to 
melt.” 

“I suppose you're right.” 

“It would stick outa mile, lying there on 
the floor,” she said, “the way it shines.” 

“Oh, dear," Robert said. 

“If we never get it back, we won't miss it 
much, anyway, darling,” she said. “We 
only had it a few hours.” 

“I agree,” he said. “Do the police have 
any leads on who the vandals were?” 

“Not a clue," she said. “They found lots 
of fingerprints, but they don’t seem to be- 
long to any known criminals.” 

“They wouldn't,” he sai 


nd have the police 


“not if they 


were hooligans off the street.” 

“That's what the inspector said.” 

“Look, darling,” he said, “Гус just 
about finished here for the morning. I'm 
going to grab a coffee, then ГЇЇ come home 
to give you a hand.” 

"Good," she said. “I need you, Robert. 
I need you badly.” 

“Just give me five minutes to rest my 
fect," he said. “I feel exhausted.” 

In number-two operating theater, not 
ten yards away, another senior surgeon 
called Brian Goff was also nearly finished 
for the morning. He was on his last pa- 
tient, a young man who had a piece of 
bone lodged somewhere in his small intes- 
tine. Goff was being assisted by a rather 
jolly young registrar named William Had- 
dock, and between them they had opened 
the patient's abdomen and Goff was lifting 
out a section of the small intestine and 
fecling along it with his fingers. It was rou- 
tinc stuff, and therc was a good deal of 
conversation going on in the room. 

“Did I ever tell you about the man who 
had lots of little live fish in his bladder?” 
William Haddock was saying. 

“I don't think you did,” Goff said. 

“When we were students at Barts,” 
William Haddock said, “we were being 
taught by a particularly unpleasant profes- 
sor of urology. One day, this twit was go- 
ing to demonstrate how to examine the 
bladder, using a cystoscope. The patient 
was an old man suspected of having 
stones. Well, now, in one of the hospital 
waiting rooms, there was an aquarium 
that was full of those tiny little fish— 
neons, they're called; brilliant colors— 


“I thought for your Christmas 
present, Га stop fooling around!” 


and one of the students sucked up about 
twenty of them into a syringe and man- 
aged to inject them into the patient’s blad- 
der when he was under his premed, before 
he was taken up to the theater for his cys- 
toscopy.” 

“That’s disgusting!" the theater sister 
cried. “You can stop right there, Mr. Had- 
dock!” 

Brian Goff smiled behind his mask and 
said, "What happened next?” As he 
spoke, he had about three feet of the pa- 
tient’s small intestine lying on the green 
sterile sheet, and he was still feeling along 
it with his fingers. 

“When the professor got the cystoscope 
into the bladder and put his eye to it,” 
William Haddock said, “he started jump- 
ing up and down and shouting with excite- 
ment. 

“ “What is it, sir? the guilty student 
asked him. ‘What do you see?” 

““‘Tt’s fish" cried the professor. "There's 
hundreds of little fish! They're swimming 
about? ” 

“You made it 
said. “It’s not true. 

“It most certainly is true,” the registrar 
said. “I looked down the cystoscope my- 
self and saw the fish. And they were actu- 
ally swimming about.” 

“We might have expected a, fishy story 
from a man with a name like Haddock,” 
Goff said. “Here we are," he added. 
“Here's this poor chap's trouble. You 
want to feel it?” 

William Haddock took rhe pale-gray 
piece of intestine between his fingers and 
pressed. “Yes,” he said. “Got it.” 

“And if you look just there,” Goff said, 
instructing him, “you can see where the 
bit of bone has punctured the mucosa. It's 
already inflamed.” 

Brian Goff held the section of intestine 
in the palm of his left hand. The sister 
handed him a scalpel and he made a small 

incision. She gave him a pair of forceps 
and Goff probed down among all the 
slushy matter of the intestine until he 
found the offending object. He brought it 
out, held firmly in the forceps, and 
dropped it into the small stainless-steel 
bowl the sister was holding. The thing was 
covered in pale-brown gunge. 

“That's it,” Goff said. “You can finish 
this onc for me now, can't you, William? 
I'm mcant to be at a meeting downstairs 
fifteen minutes ago.” 

“You go ahead,” William Haddock 
said. “PI close him up.” 

The senior surgcon hurried out of the 
theater, and the registrar proceeded to sew 
up first the incision in the intestine, then 
the abdomen itself. The whole thing took 
no more than a few minutes. 

“Pm finished,” he said to the anes- 
thetist. 

The man nodded and removed the mask 
from the patient's face. 

“Thank you, sister,” William Haddock 
said. "Sce you tomorrow." As he moved 
away, he picked up from the sister's tray 


the theater. sister 


the stainless-steel bowl that contained the 
brown-gunge-covercd object. “Ten to one 
it’s a chicken bone,” he d, and he 
ried it to the sink and began rinsing it un- 
der the tap. 

“Good God, what's this?” he cried. 
me and look, sister!” 

The sister came over to look. "It's a 
piece of costume jewelry," she said. “Prob- 
ably part of a necklace. Now, how on carth 
did he come to swallow that?” 

“Неа have passed it if it hadn't had 
such a sharp point,” William Haddock 
said. “I think ГИ give it to my girlfriend.” 

“You can't do that, Mr. Haddock,” the 
т said. "It belongs to the patient 
Hang on a sec. Let mc look at it again.” 
She took the stone from William Had 
dock's gloved hand and carried it into the 
powerful light that hung over the operat- 
ing table. The patient had now been lifted 
off the table and was being wheeled out in- 
to recovery next door, accompanied by the 
anesthetist 

“Gome here, Mr. Haddock,” the sister 
said, and there was an edge of excitement 
in her voice. William Haddock joined her 
under the light. “This is amazing,” she 
went on. “Just look at the way it sparkles 
and shines. A bit of glass wouldn't do 
that.” 

“Maybe it’s rock crystal," William 
Haddock said, “or topaz, one of those 
semiprecious stones.” 

You know what I think?" the sister 
“1 think it’s а diamond” 

Don't be damn silly,” William Had- 
dock said. 

A junior nurse was wheeling away the 
instrument trolley and a male theater as- 
sistant was helping clear up. Neither of 
them took any notice of the young surgeon 
and the sister. The sister was about 28 
years old, and now that she had removed 
her mask, she appeared an extremely at- 
tractive young lady. 

“105 casy enough to test it,” 
Haddock said. "Scc il it cuts glass 

Together they crossed over to the frost- 
ed-glass window of the operating room. 
The sister held the stone between finger 
and thumb and pressed the sharp pointed 
end against the glass and drew it down- 
ward. There was a fierce scraping crunch 
as the point bit into the glass and left a 
deep line two inches long. 

“Jesus Christ!” William Haddock said. 
“tas a diamond?” 

“IL it is, it belongs to the patient,” 
sister said firmly. 

“Maybe it does,” William Haddock 
said, “but he was mighty glad to get rid of 
it. Hold on a moment. Where are his 
notes?” He hurried over to the side table 
and picked up a folder that said on it JOHN 
niccs. He opened the folder. In it there 
was an X ray of the patient’s intestine, ac- 
companied by the radiologists report 
John Diggs, the report said. Age 17. Address 
123 Mayfield Road, Oxford. There is clear- 
ly a large obstruction of some sort in the 
upper small intestine, The patient has no 


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recollection of swallowing anything unusual 
but says that he ate some fried chicken on 
Sunday evening. The object clearly has a 
sharp point that has pierced the mucosa of the 
intestine, and it could be a piece of bone. . . . 

“How could he swallow a thing like that 
without knowing it?" William Haddock 
said. 

“It doesn't make sense,” the sister said. 

“There's no question it's a diamond aft- 
er the way it cut the glass,” William Had- 
dock said. “Do you agree?” 

“Absolutely,” the sister said. 

“And a bloody big one at that,” Had- 
dock said. “The question is, how good a 
diamond is it? How much is it worth?” 

“We'd better send it to the lab right 
away,” the sister sai 

“To hell with the lab,” Haddock said. 
"Lets have a bit of fun and do it 
ourselve: 

“How: 

“We'll take it to Gold's, the jewelers in 
The High. They'll know. The damn thing 
must be worth a fortune. We're not going 
to steal it, but we're damn well going to 


find out about it. Are you game?” 
Do you know anyone at Gold's?" the 
sister said. 

“No, but that doesn’t matter. Do you 
have a car?" 


in the car park.” 

ed. DI] тесе you out 
there. It’s about your lunchtime, anyway. 
ГИ take the stone.” 

‘Twenty minutes later, at a quarter to 
опе, the little Mini pulled up outside the 
jewelry shop of H. F. Gold and parked on 
the double yellow lines. “Who cares?” 
William Haddock said. “We won't be 
long." He and the sister went into the 
shop. 

‘There were two customers inside, a 
young man and a girl. They were examin- 
ing a tray of rings and were being served 
by the woman assistant. As soon as they 
came in, the assistant pressed a bell under 
the counter and Harry Gold emerged 
through the door at the back. “Yes?” he 
said to William Haddock and the sister. 
n I help you?” 

Would you mind telling us what this is 


“Remember, it's guys like 
you—the smalltime crooks, the punks, the 
misfits of soctety—who are responsible for guys 
like me having these good jobs.” 


worth?" William Haddock said, placini 
the stone on a piece of green cloth that lay 
on the counter. 

Harry Gold stopped dead. He stared at 
the stone. Then he looked up at the youn 


"Well, well,” he said as casually as he 
could. “That looks to me like a very fine 
diamond, a very fine diamond, indeed 
Would you mind waiting a moment while I 
weigh it and examine it carefully in my 
office? Then perhaps IIl be able to gi 
you an accurate valuation. Do sit dow! 
both of you.” 

Harry Gold scuttled back into his office 
with the diamond in his hand. Immediate- 
ly, he took it to the electronic scale and 
weighed it. Fifteen point two seven carats. 
That was exactly the weight of Mr. Robert 
Sandy's stone! He had been certain it was 
the same one the moment he saw it. Who 
could mistake a diamond like that 
now the weight had proved it. His 
was to call the police right away, but he 
was a cautious man who did not like mak- 
ing mistakes. Perhaps the doctor had al- 
ready sold his diamond. Perhaps he had 
given it to his children. Who knows? 
Quickly he picked up the Oxford tele- 
phone book. He dialed The Radcliffe 
Infirmary's nber and asked for Mr. 
Robert Sandy He gor Robert's secretary 
He told her it was most urgent that he 
speak to Mr. Sandy this instant. The sec- 
“Hold on, please.” She called 
the operating theater. Mr, Sandy had gone 
home half an hour ago, they told her. She 
took up the outside phone and relayed this 
information to Mr. Gold. 

“What's his home number?” Mr. Gold 
asked her. 

“18 this to do with a patient?” 

1" cried Harry Gold. “It's to do 
iven's sake, woman, 
give me that number quickly!” 


in The 
m 


“Harry Gold! Pm the jewel 
High! Don't waste time, I beg 
She gave him the number. 
Harry Gold dialed again. 

“Mr. Sandy?” 

“Speaking.” 

“This is Harry Gold, Mr. Sandy, the 
jeweler. Have you by any chance lost your 
diamond? 

“Yes, 1 have.” 

“Two people have just brought it into 
my shop,” Harry Gold whispered excited- 
ly. "A man and a woman. Youngish 
re trying to get it valued. They're 
ing out there now 
you certain it’s my stone? 

Positive. I weighed it.” 
“Keep them there, Mr. Gold!” Robert 
Sandy cried. 
I'm calling the police!” 

Tear cen este die police station. 
Within seconds, he was giving the news to 


ves 10 them! Humor them! 


the detective 
of the 


pector who was in charge 
ase. "Get there fast and you'll 
both!” he said. “I'm on my 


wife. “Jump in the car. I think they've 
found our diamond and the thieves are in 
Harry Gold’s shop right now, trying to sell 
ir 


When Robert and Betty Sandy drove up 
to Harry Gold's shop nine minutes later, 
two police cars were already parked out- 
side. "Come on, darling," Robert said. 
go in and sce what's happe 

Phere was a good deal of activit: 
the shop when Robert and Betty 5 
rushed in. Two policemen and two plain- 
clothes detectives, one of them the inspec- 
tor, were surrounding a furious William 
Haddock and an even more furious theater 
sister. Both the young surgeon and the the- 
ater sister were handcuffed. 

“You found it where?” the inspector was 
saying. 


e these damn handcuffs off me!” 
the sister was shouting. “How dare you do 
this! 

“Tell us again where you found it,” the 
inspector said, caustic. 

“In someone's stomach! 
dock yelled back at him. 
twice!” 

“Don't give me that crap!" the inspec- 
tor said. 

“Good God, William!” Robert Sandy 
cried as he came in and saw who it was. 
“And Sister Wyman! What on earth are 
you two doing here?” 

“They had the diamond," the inspector 
said. “They were trying to flog it. Do you 
know these people, Mr. Sandy?” 

It didn't take very long for William 
Haddock to explain to Robert Sandy and, 
indeed, to the inspector exactly how and 
where the diamond had been found. 

“Remove their handcuffs, for heaven's 
sake, inspector,” Robert Sandy said. 
“They're telling the truth. The man you 
want—at least one of the men you want— 
is in the hespital right now, just coming 
round from his anesthetic. Isn't that right, 
William?” 

“Correct,” William Haddock said. “His 
name is John Diggs. He'll be in one of the 
surgical wards." 

Harry Gold stepped forward. "Here's 
your diamond, Mr. Sandy,” he said 

“Now, listen,” the theater sister said, 
still angry, “would someone for God’s 
sake tell me how that patient came to 
swallow a diamond like this without know- 
ing he'd done 

“I think I can guess,” Robert Sandy 
id. “He allowed himself the luxury of 
putting ice in his drink. Then he got very 
drunk. Then he swallowed a piece of half- 
melted ісе.” 

“I still don't get it,” the sister said. 

“ГІ tell you the rest later," Robert 
Sandy said. “Why don't we all go round 
the corner and have a drink?” 


William Had- 
Pve told you 


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217 


218 


INNIE DISCOVERS JIM AND аме 


MUNCHKIN AT HERMITAGE US 
‘Bur SHE WED LIKE Ea MAKE 
AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT EVERY- 
Бору ELSE HAS МАГЕ ONE, co WHY NOT 
2. ANNOUNCEMENT PENG НАТ Он: 
LESS YOU, THE READERS, 009000 
COPIES OF THE NERTANNIE 10009 ISSUE, 
E боор Li IS GOING TO SUMMON 
НАБУ Отам АМ ANC WILLY ELDER HOME. |62 


HES PUT MONEY IN OUR FOCKETS! FORTUNATELY, HE 
VOES we BY panci WHEN OUT OF THEIR 


BUT FIRST LET ME TAKE YOU ON 
A TOUR OF HERMITAGE U.S.A... 
YOU'LL SEE WHAT THE GOOD 
PEOPLE OF MY MINISTRY 
FLOCK FROM MILES 
AROUND TO SEE. 


IM LOOKING FOR A TAMMY MUNCHKIN REPLACEMENT. 
THOSE EYELASHES OF HERS! THEY'RE DRIVING ME 
CRAZY. ME Se Ne ALL OUT OF 


А HEAPACHE! HALLELUJAH! 
I'VE GOT JUST 


HOWZABOUT HEALING THIS HEEL, You DOG! 
THE THING; OH, — 
WHAT YOU NEED 15 LAYING 
ON OF THE HANDS-- 


NIKE! TAMMY, 
DISGUISED AS A CHAUFFEUR, PLUS 
THE WHOLE PTL, 15 HIDING IN 

THE FRONT SEAT! 


HOWEVER, BEING 
THAT WERE LOVING 

AND FORGIVING, 

WE'LL LET YOU 

KEEP THE LIMO, 
BANISH YOU TO HELP YOU MAKE 
FROM THI TRACKS AND YOUR 
MINISTRY AND SWIMMING FOOL 

FROM HERMI- TO WASH 
AWAY YOUR 
SINS. 


CLEANSE ME! CLEANSE 2: WE'LL l MAYBE 
ME OF TAMMY! TAKE HER AND HER ~ MOVE INTO THE | ORES 
EYELASHES AS FART OF THE DEAL... AND 
YOU: ANNIE, WILL HELP ME START My 
NEW MINISTRY, BEGINNING WITH 
THE LIMO AND THE SWIMMO! 


TRY A 
TYLENOL! 


219 


PLAYBOY 


Can vou find 
the bêst friend 
in this ad? 


Not surprisingly these days, its encourage and support this wonder- 
the man who is not drinking. Why? fully grown-up idea. Indeed, we will 
Because he volunteered to be the promote it to the public and urge our 
Designated Driver tor his friends industry to do likewise. More than 
who are enjoying their drinks. 


The makers of Smirnoff® Vodka 7 me Yi th Saving 


or 34 years, the Playboy Playmate of the Month has 
been the world's most popular pinup. Now we're ring- 


— THE PLAYBO 
ing in the new year with an exciting new celebration of 


| the centerfold: The Playboy Portfolio, Playmates 1987, a 
limited-edition (only 500) set of 12 gatefold-size custom 
prints, individually signed by our 12 1987 Playmates and pre- 


SEN E 


Y PORTFOLIO —— 


sented in a tied case. The portfolio prints are without folds, 
and each set contains a notarized letter of authenticity and 
the individual set number. A pair of white gloves is included, 
and each print is further protected by a vellum overlay on 
which is inscribed the Playmate's name and her month of 
publication. The portfolio is a beauty—like our Playmates. 


The limited-edition Playboy Portfolio, Playmates 1987 is available from Playboy Products, Р.О. Box 1554, Elk Grove Village, Illinois 60009-1554, 
for $850, postpaid. (Illinois residents should add seven percent sales tax.) To order by credit card, call toll-free 1-800-228-5000. Orders 
received by December 11 should arrive for Christmas 1987. As the first in a series, the set is sure to be a collector's item. Order early. 


BINNEN INN NN 
LF LIPO AIL. 
Vga VRS 

АА же 


‘> 


2, 
2. 


21 


SUPERSHOPPING 


If you carft own a Porsche 959, there’s The Great American Sports Bag comes PA 
always this handsome 6” х 12” model packed with some unbeatable features— 
that's been hand-carved from alder nine pockets and compartments for 
wood and finished with a transparent. everything from keys and sneak- 
lacquer that allows the beauty of the ers to wet towels and 
natural grain to remain visible, sweaty workout 
from Woodeye Productions, gear, from Ronald 
San Fernando, Califor- Louis, Boulder, 
nia, about $300, Colorado, 
including a $150. 
wood base. 


Ease on down the road or hit 
the slopes in Bercy sun- 
glasses, from France, which 

_ 44), have a pliable thermoplas- 
tic frame and interchange- 

able yellow or mirrored 
lenses, from Renais- 
sance Eyewear, Fords, 
New Jersey, $95. 


Zapit's optical re- 
mote-control pow- 
er booster turns 
ordinary infrared 
remote-control 

devices into su- 
percharged 

command cen- 
ters. The Zapit 
system ampli- 
fies signal 
strength with 


walls and around 
corners. Beam us up, 
Scotty! From Monster 
Cable Products, $24.95. 


New Wave, an 
art-deco-influ- 
enced neon wall 
clock measuring 
30" x 17" x 5", features 
a German quartz battery- 
operated movement and an 
A.B.S. plastic body. The neon 
will probably last more than 30 
years, while the transformer, 
which can be replaced, is good 
for ten years or more, from The 
Electric Art Company, St. Louis, 
Missouri, $400. 


Bose’s mini loud-speakers are smaller than a quart of 
milk and weigh about two pounds. They are part of 
the AM-5 Acoustimass Speaker System, featuring 
two sets of the two-cube speaker array and the 
Acoustimass module (not shown), designed to han- 
dle frequencies below the range of the cubes, $699. 


Enter any avenue address into the 
credit-card-size Manhattan City Key, 

and inless than a second you have an 
easy-to-read digital display of the 
nearest cross street in the Big Apple. 
The City Key also doubles as a calcula- 
tor, from Macy's, New York, about $30. 


This well-designed and elegant multidrawer gentle- 
man’s jewelry chest is lovingly handmade from cherry 
wood and fitted with solid-brass hardware and 
sueded pigskin. The front panel 

2 has three positions; it locks 
А, the chest, serves as a tray or 
stows out of sight, from 

H. Gerstner & Sons, 

Dayton, Ohio, $400. 


"i "GRAPEVIN E— 


M The Lady in Black 


» Actress VIRGINIA MADSEN can rest on her attractive. 
laurels. Slam Dance, with Tom Hulce, is in the theaters 
now, and Hot fo Trot, with Dabney Coleman, is due out this 
Not too shabby fora young actress. We picked this 
sophisticated pose so we could tell you her secret passion: 
White Castle burgers. 


Cheers to Racy Tracy 
You can watch actress TRACY 
RICHMAN on TV in It’s a Living, 
but we guarantee you won't see 
her looking like this. The way we 
see it, TV's loss is our gain. 
Thanks, Tracy. 


Andee 
Blooms in 
New Year's 
Balloons 
Actress ANDEE 
GRAY pops out 
of her balloons 
as a little 
holiday treat. 
You've seen 
Andee on TV in 
the soap Santa 
ғ Barbara and at 
' the movies in 
a | Vasectomy and 
1 


FIROOZ ZAHEDI / GAMMA-LIAISON 


RoboCop. But 
you're seeing 
her at her best 
in Grapevine, 
because we 
know how to 
ring in a new 
va year: with 
a bang! 


— 


4 1987 MARK LEIVDAL. 


© 1987 MARK LEIVDAL. 


ROSS MARINO 


Guitar Magic 


Y | Motley Crüe's MICK MARS has his own way of making a long concert tour interesting, 
Crüe's tour of the U.S, ended in November, and the band is now making Europeans 
Y ү happy. Girls, Girls, Girls went double platinum on the charts, Mick’s proud. 


George Gets Back 
GEORGE HARRISON 


Hail 


took a break from his to the 
nonmusical duties 10 Chief 

cut an album with 

help from his DONNA BOISE 
friends Elton, "> 4 can sit around our 
Eric and campfire any time. 
Ringo. = Her acting credits 


indude Can You 
Feel Me Dancing? 
on TV and Hard 
Rock Zombies on 
the big screen. The 
next time Ameri- 
can Indians ne- 
gotiate with the 
Government, we 
suggest sending 
Donna. Who could 
possibly resist her? 


© ROBERT MATHEU 


Double Fault Й b " Am 


Ski star SUZY CHAFFEF's injured leg belongs to her doctor, but her ass belongs to us. 
Last summer, at Ihe Aspen Tennis Festival, Suzy's revealing rear got more attention 
than the players at the charity event, which included the likes of co-hosts Bill Cosby 
and Martina Navratilova, as well as such celebrity guests as Don Johnson, Sugar Ray 
Leonard and Linda Evans. Line judge Buddy Hackett was so taken 

with Suzy's performance that he dropped his own 
pants. No contest. 


А 
9 
3 
а 
5 
А 
E 


Remember 20 Questi 


THE ROARING 20S 


ns, the classic parlor game 


in which players attempted to guess subject mat- 
ter that was people, places or things? It has re- 


surfaced in a clever board game of the sam 


name 


that makes luck just as important as knowledge. 


Macy's, F 
er stores, sell the ¢ 
c of the cclebrities to identify “w 
ofa playboy even after he turned 30. 


А.О. Schwarz and Foley among oth- 


By the way, 


ss who. 


THERE'S A STORM BREWING 


Eye of the Storm has just hit the stores, and al- 
ready the manufacturer, Rabbit Systems, Inc., of 


Santa Monic 
"the next Hula-Hoop or Pet Rock 
similar "plasma spheres? in which 
ning" is created inside a clear-gl 
been available 


s predicting that it will become 
Actually, 
"living light- 

s chamber have 
imited editions priced at $1200 
s $200 price tag makes it doubly 
¡ing can't suike twice? 


POTPOURRI 


BIONIC POOCH 


“The first animated, com- 
puter-aided walking ro: 
botic pet in the world" 


is how Phonetica One, 
Inc., Р.О. Box 279, 
Colorado City, Colorado 
80421, describes Fred the 
Ameri-Mutt. And if that 
isn't just what you always 
wanted to have curled up. 
on your hearth, then we'll 
cat our weight in bionic 
dog biscuits. Fred has four 
modes: voice command, 
entertainment, 
security and 
cuddle chit- 
chat. He 
dances, 
ks, 
stands guard 
duty and more, 
all for only 
$79.95, post- 
paid. And just 
around the cor- 
ner is a follow- 
up smart toy 
the Spuds 
Macke 


a tux. Woof! 


FROM THE LAND OF THE RISING FUN 


Toyota introduced its 1988 line of cars at Oregon's Portland Inter- 
national Raceway not too long ago, and there's not enough mustard 
in the world to cover the automotive hot dogs who took to the track 
and the nearby scenic byways for several days of dicing. Just oll the 
mbly line is the Celica All-Trac Turbo, shown above—an all- 
ive liftback powered by a 2.0-liter, 16-valve, twin-cam, tur- 
icr that’s available with optional antilock brakes. 
Toyota also has added all-wheel drive to its reliable Camry line, and 
the flagship of the fleet, Supra, gets some needed interior fine-tun- 
The MR2, named Best Fun to Drive in our Cars '87: The Best 
feature last May, is even more fun with the addition of a sup 
charged engine. Let the good times roll! 


a 
whee 
bocharged hui 


THE LITTLE WORLD OF PARIS 


Who else but the French would manufac- 
ture an 8%” x 7" shadow box and popu- 
late it with a miniature lead figure of an 
elegant toper in dinner jacket and party 
hat sleeping it off on a park bench while a 
clochard and his dog check out the near 
cst garbage can? That scene, titled Waking 
Up in Panis, is just one of many diorama 
by Pi lable from Schylling Associ- 
ates, One Peabody Street, Salem, Massa- 
chusetts 01970, for $80. Trés amusing. 


STRIPPING VECAS STYLE 


We can’t say for certain whether the 
Palomino Club in North Las Vegas is 
America's premiere strip joint, but it gets 
our vote. So if you're onc of the 100,000 
ors to the In 


or so VE ational Winter 
Consumer Electronics Show January sev- 
enth through tenth, drop by and watch 


some of the world’s most beautiful women 
take it off, take it almost all off for an un- 
cover charge of $10 per person, plus a 
couple of drinks. See you in the front row. 


PAYING 
THE PIPER 


To celebrate th 
sary of the ри 
first Sherlock Holmes story, A 
Study in Scarlet, Dunhill of Lon- 
don has created a limited-edi- 
tion (250) commemorative 
hand-fashioned briar calabash- 
style pipe with a sterling-silver 
mounting. It comes fitted into 
an elegant leather-covered 
bookcase, with a gold-embossed 
like nan Doyle's world- 
renowned detective on the cover 
and the book title on the spine 
The price? Elementary, my dear 
Watson: a mere $750—if you're 
clever enough to sleuth one up. 
It's a dream of a pipe 


ess of 


at your friendly ne 


"YOUR PLACE МАТ OR MINE? 


For the Mr. Big who cats at his desk, there are Lunch-In Mats, file- 

folder-sized laminated place mats that wipe clean and have three 

culinary settings illustrated on them: a country picnic, a countertop 

ighborhood diner and (shown) a table setting in a 

classy restaurant. Each is $5.95, postpaid, sent to Banning Enter- 
1921 Bellmore Avenue. Bellmore, New York 11710. 


PEACH OF A LIQUEUR 


Pécher Mignon, a liqueur that's 
made from white peaches found 
in the south of France, has just 
been introduced to the Ameri- 
can market by 21 Brands, Inc., 


of Manhattan; and if you'd like 


to add an immen: h after- 
dinner (or aperitif) offering to 
your liquor cabinet, then it 
definitely is your sip. Pécher 
Mignon, incidentally, plays on 
the French phrase meaning 


“little sin,” and even the Evelike 


lady on the bottle holds out the 
promise of naughty pleasures 
(In Chinese folklore, the white 
peach was considered so seduc- 
tive it couldn't be planted any- 
where near a lady's boudoir.) 
About $13 bottle. Nice. 


| 
1 


228 


NEXT MONTH 


FEVERISH GRUSH 


“WHY SPY?'—IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT COVERT OP- 
ERATIONS OFTEN GET US INTO MORE TROUBLE THAN 
THEY GET US OUT OF. BUT THE AUTHOR, AN EX-SPY 
HIMSELF, SAYS THAT WITHOUT OUR SPIES, WE'D REAL- 
LY HAVE PROBLEMS—BY WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR. 
PLUS: “COMPANY BOYS"—A WOMAN WHO TRAINED 
WITH HER CIA HUSBAND FOR MOSCOW DUTY GIVES A 
BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK AT THE COARSITIES AND 
COURTESIES OF SPYING—BY KAREN WYNN 


“IRRESISTIBLE FORCE”—A HARD-HITTING PROFILE 
OF MIKE TYSON, THE 21-YEAR-OLD GLADIATOR WHO 
JUST MAY BE THE MOST AWESOME HEAVYWEIGHT IN 
THE HISTORY OF PUGILISM. (DON'T BELIEVE IT? ASK 
TYSON'S LATEST VICTIM, TYRELL BIGGS) BY ACE 
SPORTSWRITER PETE DEXTER 


OLIVER STONE—THE VIETNAM VET WHOSE FILMS IN- 
CLUDE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS AND THE OSCAR-WINNING 
PLATOON—TALKS ABOUT GROWING UP ANGRY AND 
HIS NEWEST FILM, WALL STREET, IN AN INTENSE 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


"IN SEARCH OF PRIMITIVE MAN”—OUR TALL, 
BLONDE EX-CHEERLEADER LEAVES THE LAND OF 
CONDIMENTS AND CONDOMS FOR THE LAND OF 


BOILED FROGS AND PENIS GOURDS TO FIND THE 
MEANING OF LIFE—BY E. JEAN CARROLL 


“TV GREED”—YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY TELEVISION 
WALLOWS IN MEDIOCRITY? A HOLLYWOOD WRITER 
SPILLS THE BEANS ON THE BUSINESS THAT HAS 
MADE HIM RICH—BY BENJAMIN J. STEIN 


“PAGE-THREE GIRLS”—BRITISH TABLOIDS OFTEN 
HAVE A COMELY LASS ON PAGE THREE TO KEEP 
THEIR READERS, AH, ABREAST OF THE NEWS. IT'S NOT 
JOURNALISM, BUT ІТ IS DEFINITELY TITILLATING 


“WAITING FOR THE NIGHT FLIGHT"—CAN MAGIC 
JOHNSON CONJURE UP AN OLD FLAME? MAYBE YES, 
MAYBE NO. A STORY ABOUT ROMANTIC HANG TIME BY 
DAVID MICHAEL KAPLAN 


“AN ANCIENT AFFAIR"—A BLUE-COLLAR PYRAMID 
WORKER GETS INVOLVED WITH THE PHARAOH'S WIFE 
IN THIS TALE OF HIEROGLYPHIC HIGH-JINKS BY 
AARON ABBEY 


PLUS: “20 QUESTIONS” WITH CHICAGO MAYOR HAR- 
OLD WASHINGTON; LUCIEN CLERGUE'S HOT SHOTS 
OF A DESERT BEAUTY; AND MUCH MORE 


Next to Peachtree? 
theres only one thing that tastes 
more like a fat, juicy peach. 


PEACHTREE FRO 


Straight, rocks, or with orange juice. Bite її 


To sendagiftof Peachtree? or any DeKuyper* Cordial, dial 1-800-BE-THERE or 1-800-CHEER-UP Voi 
Dekuypar® Original Peacttrea Schnapps Liqueur 48 Proof John Dekuyper and Sar 


Until now, beer this real came only from a keg. 


Draft beer is as real as beer gets. Since it’s not heat-pasteurized, 
heat can’t change its rich, smooth, real taste. 
Miller Genuine Draft is as real as that. It's not heat-pasteurized 
e most other beers in bottles and cans. Instead, it's cold-filtered so 
it's as rich and smooth as only real draft beer can be. 


As realas it gets.