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PLAYBILL 


FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS, the guy next door has been a twit in a brie- 
fucled BMW. Then, last October 19, the stock market went 
through what analysts called a correction but what ordinary 
street criminals would call a mugging. And suddenly, we have a 
new breed of man on the planet. Let's call his species the Post- 
Yuppie Generation. The good news is that you'll never again 
have to blacken redfish. The bad news is that there's a whole new 
set of rules to live by. We give you a start in our trendproof guide, 
Getting Real. For more post-Yuppie advice, we turned to people 
we trust. In Taking Stock, John D. Spooner, an author, investment 
advisor and therapist, tells us where to put our money to cure 
postparty depression. At the time of the crash, he was working 
on an article for Playboy titled When to Get Out of the Market, 
about which he observes, “The world is 2,000,000 years old and 
we were a month too late." Oh, well. We sent Claudia Dreifus, who 
interviewed Daniel Ortega for the November 1987 Playboy, to talk 
with Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr. In Sering Daylight, Schlesinger, a 
man who understands historical cycles, states айу that Reagan- 
ism is finished. “an episode of the American past,” and assures 
us that idealism is again just around the corner. 

You may notice that two of your favorite columns are missing 
from this issue. Cynthia Heimel took a one-month break from her 
Women column, while Asa Baber put Men aside to go hunting for a 
conservative idol of the Eighties: Oliver North. True North is one 
Marine's judgment of another Marine. Baber said it was his 
hardest assignment ever; we think it's onc of his best. Its а hard 
look at what ambition does to honor and truth. 

Who are today's heroes? After viewing Gerald Gardner's send-up 
of the election-year candidates, Who's in Charge Here?, vou won't 
look to Washington for them. (The material is excerpted from 
Who's in Charge Here? 1988, to be published by Bantam Books.) 
Gardner, whose irreverently captioned photos have long been 
Playboy staples, is currently working on The Mocking uf the Presi- 
dent: A History of Campaign Humor from Ike to Reagan 

About the only good thing that can be said about some past 
Presidents is that they took up golf. In Shark Attack, Chris 
Hodenfield profiles Australian Greg Norman, the sport's great 
white. Artist Wilson Meleen hit a double this month; he illustrated 
both the Hodenfield and the Schlesinger pieces 

Some of our favorite herocs—Mr. I Hate When That Hap- 
pens, Mr. Forget About It, Mr. Don't Get Me Started—live in 
the mind of Billy Crystal, this month's Playboy Interviewee. David 
Rensin interrogated Crystal, one of the hottest stars in Holly- 
wood. Steve Oney checked in with one of America’s truest artists 
for a 20 Questions with Tom Waits. Welcome to the world of 
hotels. 


wooden kimonos, wolf tickets, smoky bars and term 
Waits, a one-man subculture, is the opposite of everything Yup- 
pics stood for. 

Scott Ely presents a fictional portrait of fighting dogs in Pit Bull 
(illustrated by Braldt Bralds), part of a book to be published by 
Weidenfeld & Nicolson. Our second fiction offering, by T. Cor- 
aghessan Boyle, looks at sex in the age of AIDS. Modern Love 
(with visuals by Olivia De Berardinis) features a heroir 
suffers from mysophobia (le nd germs) 

Longtime contributor Dan Greenburg was so moved by Con- 
tributing Photographer Richard Fegley's celebration of The Natural 
History of Lingerie that he ollered us his thoughts on the finer 
things in life. Speaking of which Kevin Cogan and various 
tomotive experts have chosen Cars 88: The Best (pho- 
tographed by Richard Izui) 

The market may rise and fall, but one thing remains con- 
stant—our love of beautiful women. Meet model Janice Ой! 
son, photographed in Africa by the legendary Peter Beard, and 
Playmate Susie Owens, recruited from our 1983 nurses pictorial, 
Women in White. If you could put these pictures in your IRA 


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PLAYBOY 


vol. 35, no. 3—march 1988 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PUAYBILUR ВРТИ e e cute ther ere de леба» з 
DEAR PLAYBOY.............. РТИ CR n 
PLAYBOV/AFTER HOURS, coser er UE ES a AE 15 
C ОЕ" ee re DAN JENKINS 26 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ........ С ir TES 31 
DEAR PLAYMATES. rinses ttt brein itak ae ASS Og 34 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM... e 37 Ка 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BILLY CRYSTAL—candid conversotion .................. а dm 
A VE AEE RSS m 
SEEING DAYLIGHI—articla 4 ARTHUR M. SCHLESINGER, IR. 66 
TAKING STOCKaricle. .. ............................-1ОНМ D. SPOONER 68 
GOING WILD WITH А МОрИ—ркюна........................у[ 70 
SHARK АТТАСК—регзопоЙу............................СНЁб HODENFIELD 78 
A LEG TO DIFFER—fashion .................... DAS . HOLLIS WAYNE 82 
РЕШ ваја еса MO anaes COIE 1ER 
IF YOU KNEW SUSIE—playboy's playmate of the month . . 90 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES- humor... уй калун hne nre hurt ra ee 102 
TRUE NORTH EE. OES SERSAR etree STER E ASA BABER 104 
CARS '88: THE BEST—medern living... 106 
MODERN LOVE-Fiction ........................... Т. CORAGHESSAN BOYLE 112 


WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?—humor. .. GERALD GARDNER 114 


THE NATURAL HISTORY OF LINGERIE—; essay by DAN GREENBURG 118 


20 QUESTIONS: TOM WAITS sss ee 128 
FAST FORWARD: La oia II 132 
ا‎ 163 ger TT 
COVER STORY 


Our cover is designed by Managing Art Director Kerig Pope and photo- 
graphed by Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. Model Terri Doss's 
stylist was Lee Ann Perry, her hair is by John Victor and her make-up by 
Pat Tomlinson. Her earrings ore by Philip Cantrell and bracelets from Details 
from Design Network, Chicago. The photograph was hand-colared by Donald 
Bouterse. When the Rabbit plays hide and seek, he daesn't mesh around. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BULONG. 218 NORTH MICINGAN AVE. CHICAGO, LINOIS воен. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS, ORAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED WF THEY ARE то BE 


A. CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPH 
iS P. ©, ANT аутист. 24, BENO FRIEDMAN, P. 3 (2) ANDREW GOLDMAN P. 3: STAN CROSSPELO. P. 03: JESSE МАСЛАН MCLAUI P. 3, BON 


ENEL сит BETWEEN PAGES 10:17, CALVIN RLON SCENT Sm BETWEEN PAGES 20-21 PRINTER IN ЫЛЛА, 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 


JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso- 
nate editor: FICTION: ALICE k TURNER editor: 
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate editor: WEST 
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH. 
IN EDGREN, DAVID STEVENS senior edilors; WALTER 
LOWE, JR. JAMES R. PETERSEN senior slaf) writers; 
KRUCE KLUGER. BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN ASSOC- 
ate editors; KANDI KLINE traffic coordinator; MOD- 
ERN LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor, vinta 
COOPER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; 
COPY: ARLENE BOURAS editor: JOYCE KOREN assist 
unt editor; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE. DEBRA 
HAMMOND, CAROL KEELEY, BARI NASH. MARY ZION 
researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: Asa 
NABER. E JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE GONZALES, 
LAWRENCE GROBEL, WILLIAM J. HELMER, DAN JENKINS, 
1) KEITH MANO, REG POTTERTON. EON KEAGAN, DAVID 
KENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STAN 
ISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies), SUSAN MARGOLIS 
WINTER, RILI. ZEHME 

ART 
Kerc pore managing director; CHET SUSKI. LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BUCE nasses associate 
director; JOSEPH PACZER assistant director; DEBBIE 
KONG, ERIC SHROPSHIRE junior directors; BILL. BEN. 
WAY, DANIEL REED, ANN SEIDL art assistants; BAR 
MRA HOFEMAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast edilor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY. JAMES LARSON, 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; PATTY 
BEAUDET assistant editor, POMPEO POSAR senior 
aff photographer; KERRY sowas staff photog: 
vapher; DAVID CHAS, RICHARD FEGLEV, ARNY 
TRENTAG, RICHARD IZUL DAVID MECEY, BYRON 
NEWMAN. STEPHEN WYDA coniribuling phologra 
hers; SHELLEE WELLS stylish; STEVE LEVITT color lab 
supervisor; JOHN GOSS business manager 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS. manager; 
ELEANORE WAGNER. “JODY JURGETO. RICHARD 
(QUARTAKOLL, RITA JOHNSON assistants 

READER SERVICE 


CYNTHIA LACEYSIRICA manage 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


LINDA STROM, 


CIRCULATION 


KICHAKD SMITH director; RARBARAGUTMANassociate 
director 


ADVERTISING 
MICHAEL. т. CARK advertising director; 208 МОЛИЛА 
midwest manager; FRANK COLONSO, ROBERT 
TRAMONDO group sales managers; JONN PEASLES 
direct response 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
lons a scort president, publishing group: 
LP TIMDOLMAN assistant publisher 
LILEEN KENT contracts administrator; MARCIA TER 
KONES rights ES permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


PLAYBOY 


CHANCES ARE YOU WEREN'T 
AN EXPERT WHEN 
YOU FIRST PICKED OUT 
YOUR CONDOM. 


A little red-faced 
perhaps, but you went 
ahead and chose it 

You called it a 
rubber (or worse). And 
no teenage wallet was 
complete without one 
But you've changed 
a lot since then, and so 
has the condom 
The Today condom 
is just what it says it is. 
A condom for today. 
ts contoured, for 
comfort. 

Its passed strength 
tests way beyond the 
accepted standards, for 
reliability. 

ts ultrathin, for 
sensitivity. 
And its a 
either non-lubricated, 
or with a standard or 
spermicidal lubricant. 

Your old condom 
was fine, believe us. 

But that was then. 


© 1987 VLL Corp. From the m. the doy Sponge” 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBDY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


ARS BREVIS, VIDAL LONGUS 

Thank you for David Shells Playboy Im- 
terview with Gore Vidal (December). In 
addition to finding him incredibly intri 
guing, I found Vidal to be i 
tating, intelligent, irreverent, insensitive, 
irrepressible, iconoclastic, impious, im- 
politic, impertinent, incisive, incorrigible, 
irredecmable, impish and (only occasion- 
ally) irresponsible, 

Alas, too often he succumbs to 
ties—his selfindulgent apology for com- 
munism - something out of a 
Sixties а 
Vidal is en irresistible. If he 
Jut exist, they (lor Vidal, there's always 
a "they," a mechanism through which cv- 
crything is explainable) would have to in- 
vent him. 


book. But mostly, 


Ed Rader 
Alexandria, Virginia 


Vidal's witty and robust mind serves 
him well in the realm of history but be- 
comes limp-wristed the moment present- 
day politics land on the water bed 
ven so, his hit-and-miss score would 
be admirable were it not for the fact 
that his venom overrides his logic. Bile is 
a vile judge of politics; while Vidal gores 
them to death, his moti © an open 
book floating daintily between Caesar and 
Caligula. 


R. H. Velvart 
Willowdale, Ontario 


Gore Vidal may be a great writer, but 
he is also a terrific asshole. 

Ron Ownby 

Kansas Citv, Missouri 


The Playboy Interview with Gore Vi 
ought to be required reading in all high 
school civics and history classes. His views 
of Soviet-U.S. relationship: 
d their future, are illuminating, 
cially in light of the recent negotiations on 
arms control. His prognosis of America’s 
upcoming depression really struck he 
after the stock-market cra 
this interview around to a n 


neighbors, I believe that Vidal has gotten 
quite a following in thi 
ative part of the country. 

How about running for President your- 
self, Mr. Vidal? After all, if you followed 
the policies you outline, the world would 
be a much safer, saner place in which to 
live. You're a much better choice than any- 
е put forth so far. 

Gary K. Arnett 
Dinosaur, Colorado 


normally conserv- 


one they 


Gore Vidal’s opposition to social Dar- 
winism is a lost cause. It's a shame that his 
self-deluded belief in Soviet ameloration 
mpts Russia from his sparkling misan- 
‚ Soviet jingoism is red in tooth and 
id no less d ing of Vidal's 
fierce contempt, though it's also worth 
noting that (to paraphrase Vidal) most 
Amcricans havc a grudging admiration for 
Russia as a bully. Similarly, most conserv- 
atives have a grudging admiration for Vi- 
dal as a literary predator. 

Justin Reed 
Phoenix, Arizona 


CHANNEL CHUCKLES 
Hats off to that king (or should I say 
Pharaoh?) of comedic investigative report- 
ing, Jerry Si t millennium's 
guage should 1 be writing, anyway? 
Although I always find entertaining, 
amusing and cnlightening articles in 
Playboy, never have 1 been so "trans- 
formed" into a heap of uncontrollable 
gles and bursts of spontancous laughter 
as I was upon reading Channel Hopping 
(December) 


on At 
lantis to delighting us with his nonstop wit 


writing “god-awful epic ballads 


in your pages 


Shari Story 
Marietta, Georgia 


TRICKY BUSINESS 


to read the whirlwind 
thriller Tricks, by Evan Hunter (Playboy, 
December), under his pen name, Ed 


Yow ve read our magazine, 


PLAY 


PLAYBOY: The Game of Elegant 
Lifestyles is designed for those 
who want it all now. Create the 
lifestyle and environment of your 
choice. Have all the good things 
life offers while you search for your 
one, true, ideal romantic partner. 
Live your fantasy lifestyle with the 
Playboy game. Rules for up to 6 
players. 

#5340 Playboy Game.... $24.95 
To order, indicate item name and 
number, enclose check or money 
order, plus postage ($3.25 for first 
game, $1.25 for each additional 
game) and send to: Playboy Prod- 
ucts, P.O. Box 632, Elk Grove 
Village, П. 60009-0632. Illinois 
residents, add 7% sales tax. For 
credit card orders, call toll-free 
1-800-228-5444. 


PLAYBOY, PLAYMATE and RABBIT HEAD 
Design are trademarks of Playboy Enterprises, Inc. 


n 


PLAYBOY 


McBain. Hunter is a master of combining 
suspense, macho guys. sexy women, blood- 
curdlingly violent gymnastics and brittle 
dialog, 


John G. Fuller 
Weston, Connecticut 


As movie/drama critic for WMCA radio 
in New York and WICC radio in Connecti- 
cut, I enjoy the best in entertainment— 
and Playboy is one of my favor 

agazines. I started to buy it to read the 
Ian Fleming stories before they were pub- 
lished anywhere else, and now Playboy 
brings me that master of mystery, Ed 
McBain, albeit snuggled next to India 
Allen, Miss December. Why not publish a 
photograph of the rugged author him- 
self—and let us girls get our jollies? I know 
you had a small snapshot of him, as well as 
Joseph Heller and Ray Bradbury, on the 
Playbill page, but why not more about our 
favorite writers? Tricks is diverting and de- 
lightful—let’s see more McBain in the fu- 
ture. 


Susan Granger 
Westport, Connecticut 


SWEET NUTCRACKER 
As “girl-next-door” types have always 
turned me on, 1 fell in love with Justine 
Bateman the first time 1 saw her on Family 
Ties. Therefore, it was an indust 
strength disappointment for me t discos 
er in her 20 Questions interview in the 


December issue that Justine is just an- 
other run-of-the-mill, spoiled, egotistical, 
foul-mouthed, ball-breaking Hollywood 
princess 


Lyn A 
San Juan o, California 
GITTE, ARCHITECTURAL WONDER 
Gitte N 


۳ 


her in the December issue are among the 
most beautiful you've ever pul 


Arlington, Virgi 


A FRANK REBUTTAL 
In the October Playboy, Asa Baber, in 
his Men column, “Hitler's Dream," dis- 
cusses some comments of minc and inter- 
prets them incorrectly, Baber refers to а 
partial quotation, apparently, of my re- 
sponse to a request that I give an interview 
10 Playboy about the details of my private 
life as a gay man. My response to that re- 
quest was that I did not wish to discuss the 
details of my private life with Playboy or 
anybody else, That is, I rejected that re- 
t for an interview not because of the 
azine in which it would appear but be- 
use of the subject matter. 
Baber apparently read the quotation to 
mean that | was "snubbing" Playboy. And 
he suggests that there might be “an Ed 
Meese inside [me] secretly struggling to 
get out.” In fact, I disagreed very much 
with the Attorney General's Commission 
on Pomography's effort to censor the sale 
of Playboy and other magazines in conven- 
ence stores. 

1 would be glad to discuss with Playboy 
or any other publication any public issues, 
including the Persian Gulf, arms control, 
the resistance to Russian aggression in 
Afghanistan, the prospects for peace in the 
Middle East, human rights in various 
parts of the world, apartheid in South 
Africa, the tax code, housing, discrimina- 
i inst various minorities, including 
gay men and lesbians, the proper way to 
deal with AIDS, the need to resist Ed 


If the Walkman stereo fits, wear it. 


No matter who you are or what you do, there's 
a Sony Walkman® personal stereo thats right in 


step with you. 


From the first Walkman introduced in 1979 to 
our ten-millionth, we've changed the way a world- 


on-the-go listens to music. 


From the Sports series to our professional 
Walkman, theres a Walkman for everyone. 


But no matter which Sony Walkman you choose, 
you can be sure of getting rich, crystal-clear stereo 


sound that's guaranteed to put more fun in your life. 


And when it comes to personal stereo, nothing can 
be more fitting than that. 


Of course, we do have to add one footnote to all 


© 1987 Sony Corporation of America. Sony Walkman ard The One and Only are trademarks of Sony 


this. If it isn't a Sony 
itisn'ta Walkman 


SONY. 


THE ONE AND ONLY. 


Iecse's censorial instincts, etc. I will not 
discuss with Playboy or any other publi 
tion the details of my private life. It was 
the topic and not the publication that 
led me to say no. I remain available if 
Playboy wants to interview me on the 
public issues that come before me as a 
member of Gongress. 

Representative Barney Frank 

US. House of Representatives 
Washington, D.C. 


JESSICA'S STORY: TAKE TWO 
1 am 27 years old and until last month, I 
had never looked at a Playboy magazine. I 
was lured to the November and the De- 
cember issues by The Jessica Hahn Story. 1 
was surprised by the high quality of your 
journalism but even more so by the shock- 
ing revelations Jessica made. I feel for her. 
I'm amazed by the amount of persecution 
she has endured. No doubt she will contin- 
ue to receive bad press, but at least your 
magazine has published her side of the sto- 
ry. Lam very impressed by Jessica Hahn 
and what she has communicated through 
your magazine. She has my respect. 
Steven Skattebo 
Yarnell, Arizona 


While much of the press was laughing 
at (and off) the Jim Bakker and Jessica 
Hahn affair, Playboy had the good sense to 
go after the available truth and deliver it 
seriously. Too many people in this country 
sull think of, e Bakker, 
and not Jessica, as the Not only is 
that a sad comment on the average Ameri- 
can intellect but it gives an idea of the pow- 
er TV preachers have over their viewe 

And to think the whole mess could have 
been avoided if Tammy Faye had done her 
Kegel exercises. 


Vic Oberhaus 
Liberty Center, Ohio 


From its inception, the key ingredient 
lacking in the dynamics of the feminist 
ovement has been a culture heroine, a 
persona who embodies the hopes and 
dreams of womankind, someone who has 
been to the depths and been resurrected, 
it were, with a clear and purposeful vi- 
il ntion, out of 
obscurity spi Jessica Hahn to lead us 
all out of the wasteland. Here is a woman 
who been down and dirty and has 

isen from the ashes to stomp on the heels 
of her oppressors 

Hahn talks turkey, not rhetoric, She has 
turned victimization into liberation, a 
comeback fueled with humor and balls. 
No whining, no apologies, no sclf-admoni 
tion, She is just going to step on Jim 
Bakker like a nasty little squash bug. 

“This woman has an instinctual com- 
mand of media unparalleled since Frank- 
lin D. Roosevelt. She shaken the 
complacency of a fatted middle class. Sud- 
denly, ostensibly mature adults are kick- 
i and screaming about the virgit 


total stranger; but, as Marshall McLuhan 
would put it, she's cool 
Michel Yeuell 
Brooklyn, New York 


MOVIE MYSTERY 

Thad always thought that Playboy was 
fearless in its scarch for the truth and un- 
afraid of pressure (rom any source 

In one recent issue, you give the movie 
The Hanoi Hilton three and a half Rabbit 
Heads, which I interpret as “good show, 
plus." In the very next issue, the listing is 
gone from the “Movie Score Card.” 

Does Jane Fonda really have that much 


power? 


Many things that happen today are 
scary. The IRS has more power than the 
K.G.B. and our freedoms slip away by the 
hour 


Please tell me a reason, even an ex- 
g of Hanoi Hilton. 
James D. Tilford, Jr 
Mobile, Alabama 
Check your back-issue file again, James. 
he Hanoi Hilton" is reviewed in our June 
issue and listed in July's "Movie Score Card.” 
Dwindling audiences, not censorship, deleted 
it from our August listings; by then, “Hanoi” 
was on its way off screens and onto video. The 
good news: It’s now available on cassette. 


cuse, for your censo 


Radar detectors: 
Which are really best? 


These days every maker seys their radar 
detector is best. Who's telling the truth? 
Freedom of the press 

Ifyou read movie ads, you know how 
each one finds a short phrase from a 
review that makes it sound like “the year’s 
best” Well, some detector makers play 
the same game 

But we wor't play games. Below are 
the overall results of the three most recent 
independent tests of radar detectors. 


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or 1981 ne 1907 por 
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tested rt 
nottested) BEL Quantum 
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Radio Shack 
les Whistler 
BEL Fox 
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Master BEL Vector M GUL 
Sparkomatic Snooper Radio Shack 
К Fuzzbuster à 
s Sporkomatie sf Spatkomatic 
си Sunkyong "LMaxon 


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13 


Introducing Anjelica Huston’s typically eccentric Cuervo Séabreeze. ii) 
Just mix Cuervo Gold, the premium tequila, with grapefruit juice and the eta of = 


cranberry juice. ..апа relax Anjelica-style. 
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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


TRUCK-STOP TEDDIES 


On a road trip a couple of years ago, 
Vicki Lewis surveyed the shopping at a 
great many interstate truck stops. She 
found lots of tacky coffee mugs, key rings 
and bumper stickers. Lewis, a former fash- 
ion-design student with no prior business 
or trucking experience, sensed a market 
for something sexier, the type of thing a 

ignificant 
other after a weck of white-line fever. 


guy could carry home to his 


So she came up with an appcaling 
item—a sultry little black-lace teddy with 
а navel-deep neckline plunge and a barely 
wider-than-a-G-string back. Lewis pack- 
aged her translucent designs in glossy 
black gift boxes, christened them (and her 
new firm) Black Lace and placed samples 
in truck stops. The idea, says Lewis, was 
to let a trucker buy Black Lace on the road 
and keep on trucking, eliminating those 


time-consuming detours to the lingerie 
boutique. Now, just a year later, Lewis” 
teddies retail for 20 bucks at more than 70 
truck stops around the country. One chain 
alone has placed a $40,000 order. For 
Christmas, Lewis offered a special run of 
white teddies, and for Valentine's Day— 
you guessed it—hot-red numbers. Our 
advice: Proceed with caution—dangerous 
intersection ahead. 


MINING THE ORE 


Hordes of head bangers showed up last 
fall for a Metal Marathon at the Roosevelt 
Hotel in New York City. For two days, se- 
lected panels discussed such heavy-metal 
rock arcana as “Metal and Radio: Hell in 
Your Home” and “Image us. Substance: Is 
Ti the Look or the Lick?" Here, from our 
reporter's notebook, are the highlights. 
Keynote speaker Dee Snider of Twisted 
Sister on how to overcome discourage- 


ment: “Masturbation. I found that when I 
felt my worst, just being alone for a few 
minutes and relieving that tension made 
the whole day easier. Sometimes two, 
three times a day, l'd just have to step into 
a bathroom, a subway, anything.” He was 
kidding .. . we think 


Snyder 
be one of the first speed-metal bands: “It 


gain on how his group came to 


was anger, it was frustration, it was the 
desire to get the fuck out of there before I 
got my ass kicked for wearing lingerie.” 

Manowar bass player Jocy DeMaio on 
heavy-metal musicianship: “Most of these 
bands have no talent. They have no busi- 
ness owning instruments. It's like giving a 
murderer a gun.” 

Producer Ric Browde on rock aesthet- 
ics: “People who equate art with music are 
making a mistake. Rock "n' roll should be 
about Saturday night, making you want to 
go out, luck, get laid, fuck some more, get 
drunk, maybe take some drugs, do all 
those things that your parents told you you 
weren't supposed to do. That's what rock 
"n roll is. And anybody who does not 
make an album that makes your parents 
tell you to turn that shit off, they failed." 


And, finally, Lemmy Kilmister of Mo- 
torhead on allegations that videos are sex- 
ist “I want to know what's wrong with 
fuckin’... . You think we don't like fuckin” 
anymore, so we shouldn't have girls in our 


videos. I mean, girls should have boys in 
their videos, I don't mind. Both sides, go 
ahead. I love to fuck.” 

So who said the gentle art of conversa- 
tion is dead, anyway? 


IT CAME FROM HOLLYWOOD 


And in keeping with the high tone estab- 
lished by Kilmister (see above), here's a 
preview of some curious movie titles to an- 
ticipate this year, according to Variety. 

Alone in the T-Shirt Zone, Assault of the 
Killer Bimbos, Bitchin’ Sorority Babes, Blood 
Frenzy, Bloody Pom Poms, Curse of the Can- 
nibal Confederates, Deadly Daphne's Ke- 
venge, Demented Death Farm Massacre, The 
Dirty Filthy Slime, Eunuchs, Ferocious Fe- 
male Freedom Fighters, Galactic Gigolo, 
Hack 'Em High, Hell Comes to Frogtown, 
Hide and Go Shriek, Hideous Sun Demon: 
The Special Edition, Hollywood Chainsaw 
Hookers, I Hate Actors, 1 Was a Teenage Sex 
Mutant, I Was a Teenage Vampire, In а 
Shallow Grave, Man Eaters, Maniac Cop, 
Mortuary Academy, Operation: Take No 
Prisoners, Raiders of the Living Dead, Slime 
City, Space Sluts in the Slammer, Subter- 
raneans, Test Tube Teens from the Year 
2000. 

To catch these classics, we suggest that 
you bypass the movie ads in your local 
newspaper in favor of the new-arrivals 
board at a nearby video store. We have a 
sneaking suspicion that these flicks are go- 
ing straight to . . . tape. 


BIRDMAN 


Bird, the film biography of jazz genius 
Charlie Parker duc out later this ycar, has 
its share of surprises—not the least of 
which is that it’s produced and directed by 
Clint Eastwood, who turns out to be the 
keeper of the bebop flame. And this is no 
Lady Sings the Blues, the largely inaccurate 
film biography of Billie Holiday 

Parker's story contains cqual parts in- 
candescent brilliance and mythic selfde- 
struction from heroin, alcohol and periods 
of pure gluttony. (When Parker died, the 


15 


RAW 


“There are only 
two occasions when 
Americans respect 
privacy, especially in 
Presidents. Those 
are prayer and fish- 
ing.”—Herbert Hoo- 
ver in the May 19, 
1947, New York Her- 
ald Tribune. 


Number of Good- 
year blimps in the 
United States, three; 
number of crew mem- 
bers of an airborne 
blimp, one or two pie 
lots, plus a camera- 
man and a technician. 


. 

Average blimp alti- 
tude during a sports 
event: 1000 feet above 
the ground. 


. 

Number of gallons of fuel used per 
hour: ten. Length of time a blimp stays 
in the air during a sports event: three to 
six hours. 


. 
Amount of helium needed to inflate a 
blimp: 202,700 cubic feet. 


. 

Cost of renting a Goodyear blimp: 
nothing—if Goodyear decides to pro- 
mote your event. 


BANG, BANG 


Percentage of murders in the United 
States committed by a relative or an 
acquaintance of the victim: 58. 


. 
Number of children under 15 in the 

United States who die as a result of 

handgun accidents: one per day. 


. 

Amount spent annually in the Uni 
ed States to treat victims of shootings: 
$500,000,000. 


. 
Number of people killed by hand- 
guns in 1986: in Manchester, England, 
16; in Miami Beach, Florida, 148; in 
Munich, West Germany, 75; in Detroit, 
Michigan, 635; in New York, 1582. 


FACT OF THE MON’ 


Percentage of oil shipped 
through the Persian Gulfthat is 
bound for the United States: 
five. Amount of money the U.S. 
Department of Defense spends E 
10 protect the gulf's sea lanes: 
$3,000,000 per day. 


DATÀ 


THE LITTLE BOARD 


Spaces on which 
players land most of- 
ten during a Mo- 
nopoly game: ILLINOIS 
AVENUE, В & O RAILROAD 
and co. 


. 

Number of reasons 
Parker Brothers ini- 
tially cited in reject- 
ing Monopoly in 
1934: 52. 

Amount of play 
money in cach Mo- 
nopoly set: $15,140. 

. 


Number of little 
green houses pro- 
duced by Parker 
Brothers since 1935: 
2.88 billion. 


Number of lan- 
guages in which 
Monopoly sets are 
available: 22. 

5 

One of the languages in which 

Monopoly is not available: Russian. 


LIARS AND THIEVES 


In a Califomia poll, percentage of 
people who say people are less honest 
today than they were a decade ago, 50; 
percentage who say there has been no 
change, 43. 


. 

Percentage who have called in sick to 
work when they weren't ill: 48. 

. 

Percentage who have received too 
much change and not given the money 
back: 44. 

. 

Percentage who have taken work 

supplies home: 43. 
. 

Percentage who have stolen towels 
and other hotel items: 36. 

Percentage who have not filled out 
their income-tax returns truthfully: 22. 
. 

Percentage who have used someone 
else’s credit card tomakea purchase: two. 


attending physician examined his body 
and guessed him to be 55. He was 34.) 

Even so, Parker, whose nickname Yard- 
bird was shortened to the Bird invoked by 
jazz musicians and fans, practically in- 
vented bebop in the early Forties; he was 
certainly its greatest practitioner 

“Its really a labor of love. Clint wanted 
to be as authentic as possible,” said trum- 
peter Red Rodney, who played with Par- 
ker in the late Forties and was hired as 
both a consultant and a sound: 
former for Bird. "And there's an 
message—that jazz's 
couldn't get rid of his drug habi 
at 34.” Rodney said the film featui 
tle-known true incident in which Rodney 
and Parker played at a Hasidic bar mitzvah. 

Bird has been planned for years: 
Richard Pryor first bought the option for 
the Joel Oliaı 


walked in. The film stars Forest (The Color 


of Money) Whitaker as Parker and I 
Ferona as Chan Richardson, 
common-law wife at the time of his death. 
But the real star may be the music. 
sing an elaborate method to upgrade 
the quality of actual Parker recordings, 
Eastwood and composer-arranger Lennie 
Niehaus isolated and digitally enhanced 
the sax solos before combining them with 
newly recorded accompaniments true to 
the period. Among those who took part in 
the recording: trumpeter Jon Faddis, pi- 
anists Monty Alexander and Barry Harris, 
bassists Ray Brown and Ron Carter, and 
John Guerin on drums 

What's more, Eastwood and Nichaus, 
reluctant to rely solely on Parker's many 
reissued recordings, unearthed several 
never-released performances in Richard- 
son’s possession. These sessions include 
onc "basement tape” featuring drum leg- 
end Art Blakey playing brushes on a tele- 
book. So when Bird hits theaters in 
summer, it is likely that Charlie Par- 
ker will fly again. 


KID STUFF 


In Santa Monica, C: 
dom-carrying dolls c 
have been snapped up by schools, hospi- 
tals and sex-education programs 
to the nonprofit Pediatric Proje’ 
the distributor, the dolls are 
clue kids in on contraceptio 
prevention. 

Still, the dolls haven't ended up in many 
homes. “Parents are not used to hav 
dolls with genitalia around,” says execu- 
tive director Pat Azarnol!. In fact, parents 
who were raised with GI Joe and Barbie 
might wonder what happened to mess kits 
and party dresses. The adult female doll 
comes with a tampon, a sanitary napkin 
and a baby on an umbilical cord that can 
be removed from the vagina, The adult 
male totes a condom in its back pocket. We 
wonder where makers of ultrarcalistic 
dolls are headed. How about a one-night- 
stand doll? You pick it up and a day later 
you throw away its phone number 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


FOR ALI mis legal and artistic problems in 
the Seventies, George Harrison has had 
the most successful carcer of the surviving 
Beatle alumni in the Eighties. Ringo is en- 
dorsing wine coolers and Paul can't see 
to find his muse. But George now heads up 
HandMade Films, which has produced a 
string of wonderful movies, including 
Withnail and 1 aud Mona Lisa. With Cloud 
Nine (Dark Horse/Warner), Harrison re- 
turns to pop music for the first time in five 
years, and his confidence is audible. The 
uncomfortable quaver in both his voice 
and his guitar used to navigate uncertainly 
between vulnerability and whine. Now, 
with EL.O.s Jeff Lynne co-producing, 
Harrison sings and plays solid, melodic 
pop with nary a trace of whine and only a 
few traces of E.L.O. in the rhythm and 
harmony tracks, which is the maximum 
allowable dose of E.L.O. for anyone who is 
not E.L.O. Harrison seems to be living 
proof that artists don't have to suffer to 
make their best art; they have to be happy 

Not to be confused with the Bags from 
Los Angeles of a few years ago, the Bags 
(from Boston) fall somewhere among the 
Ramones, Hüsker Dü and early Kiss 
Their debut, Rock Starve (Restless), con- 
sists of thrilling guitar-bash riffs that 
pound like the sound of a herd of giant 
woolly mammoths going over a cliff. just 
enough melody rasping through shredded 
vocal cords and lyrics wholly unbe- 
smirched by any panty-waist college-poct- 
ry influence: “О Lord, how can it be/My 
lover has become my enemy/l moved out 
but it’s not enough/She wants to see me 
with my head cut of.” I highly recom- 
mend it. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Ten vears after the Band’s breakup, its 
guitarist and chief songwriter has finally 
released his first solo cllort. And while it's 


standard practice for an artist in Robbie 
tar 


Robertson's league to invite supe 
buddies to help out on his debut, Robert- 
son relies so much on the buddy systen 

that he almost sounds like a guest on his 
own album. He's primarily backed by U2 
and Peter Gabriel's band on Robbie Robert- 
son (Geffen), and while such songs as Fall- 
en Angel and Showdown at Big Sky prove 
that Robertson's songwriting talents are 
undiminished, they get overshadowed by 
his sidemen. In fact, Sweet Fire of Love and 
Tistimony, for all practical purposes, are 
U2 songs in tone, arrangement and execu- 
tion. The original Band drew its musical 
strength from the 
community its members shared. Hs invit- 
ing intimacy was hard won by years of 
touring honky-tonks and woodshedding in 
Woodstock. The lack of that spiritual ma- 


most familial sense of 


Quiet Beatle makes out. 


George, Robbie, Miki 
and Lynyrd, plus 
a word on the remix. 


trix diffuses Robertson's lyrical and musi- 
cal impact here. While its he 
sec him finding the courage to r 
himself for the Eightics, letting 
“channeled” like some rock-'n"-roll spirit 
wal guide—even by such ace talents as 
Gabriel and U2—isn't the answer. What 
this man needs—excuse the expression— 
is a band 


NELSON GEORGE 


Miki Howard's debut album, Come 
Share My Love, was a decent enough first 
go-round. But it struck me as unfocused 
and, despite a couple of black chart hits, 
none of it made a deep impression 
Howard's new Love Confessions (Atlantic) 
disproves the old sophomore-jins truism. 


She shows considerable growth as a vo- 
calist and has found a coherent musical 
direction. Like another impressive young 
female, Regina Belle, Howard taps into 
the strident, jazz-influenced tradition of 
that new trendsetter Anita Baker. Overall 
Love Confessions is mature. mid-tempo and 
mellow without being maudlin. Howard 
takes a real risk in tackling Earth, Wind & 
Fire's soul standard Reasons, but by utiliz- 
g a diferent syncopation, she turns it 


to a new yet still moving song. The high- 
lights are two gutsy songs with the vocal 
trio LeVert, Crazy and an 
That's What Lave Is. 

Also worth listening to: Doc Powell's de- 
but, Love Is Where It's At (Mercury/Poly- 
am), a fine mix of guitar instrumentals 


nstant classic, 


and vocals from Luther Vandross’ side 
man, and Steve Arrington's erratic Jom 
Packed (Manhattan), in which the former 
funk bad boy, now a born-again Christian, 
vacillates between softened heart and 
funky roots. The funky roots win out on 
side two, especially on Kelly 16-33 and 
Trouble. 


DAVE MARSH 


А lot of people in and outside the music 
industry found it amazing that Lynyrd 
kynyrd's comeback tour last fall was so 
successful. They shouldn't have—Skynyrd 
wasn't only one of the biggest American 
bands of the Seventies but, by the time its 
plane went down, it was probably the best. 

To understand how good Skynyrd was. 
listen to legend (МСА), an album of 
leftovers. There's nothing here that 
matches the group's greatest hits, but on 
it, Skynyrd docs everything it did best: 
blues, country, ballads, And Ronnie Van 


GUEST SHOT 


actor/bassist Gene Simmons, in his 
own wards, “has tried to incorporate 
women, girls and females into the 
manifesto of the rock band Kiss, which 
is ‘Anything that feels good is worth 
doing again.’ And,” he adds, “some of 
the panties Гуе collected have shid 
marks.” Who better, then, to judge a 
Rhino Records vocal collection called 
"Va-Va-Voom!" by the world’s all-time 
sex kittens? 

“Out of the nine singers—Jayne 
Mansfield, Diana Dors, Mamie Van 
Doren, Marilyn Monroe, Ann-Mar- 
gret, Elke Sommer, Jane Russell, 
Sophia Loren and Rhonda Flem- 
ing— Monroe is by far the most mu- 
sical. She never tries to sing out of 
her range and never tries to be 
something she’s not. Mansfield does 
а caricature of Monroc—but, what 
with men being the snakes we are, 
junk food gets the same reaction as 
filet mignon. My favorite cut is 
Loren’s Bing Bang Bong. Va-Va- 
Voom! also has gorgeous photos and 
great stories on wach lady, and it 


was pressed on pink vinyl. l'm par- 
tial to the photograph of Loren 
checking out Manslield's cleavage." 


17 


18 


FASTTRACKS 


OCK 


Cerea lerin e || atat 


METE 


R 


ng 


Earth, Wind & Fire | 
Touch the World i 


E e Eel 


George Harrison 
Cloud Nine. 


less thon Zero 
(Sound track) 


Lynyrd Skynyrd 
Legend 


NIN IN fa 


һ | 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 


Son IN fa IS 


7 
7 
6 
6 
6 


| 
| 
| 
| 


o [ч lo | 


REELING AND ROCKING: We hear that a 
movie bio of Cab Calloway is in thc 
works, with Kid Creole playing the your 
b and Lionel Richie playing the older. 
Stay tuned. . . . Kris Kristofferson ha 
made a deal to turn his song Me and 
Bobby McGee into a movie. Kris- 
tofferson will serve as story consult- 
nt. Look for Sting in Stormy 
Monday with Tommy Loo Jones and Mol- 
anie Griffith. He plays the gangster own- 
of a jazz club. In other Sting news, 
he, Miles Copeland and an unnamed 
former CBS executive have formed a 
new record company, Pangaea, which 
will release pop, rock, jazz, classical 
and avant-garde projects. The first re- 
leases are expected any бау... . Expect 
а Tom Waits concert film. . . . Dionne War- 
wick will score and probably sing the 
title song in Force of Destiny, a Mob 
movie. 

NEWSBREAKS: Dy the time you read 
this, will Prince be on tour? Thats the 
rumor. . . . Seth Justmon of J. Geils says 
not to count the band out. He hopes it 
will record this year. About Peter Wolf, 
Justman says, “The lines of communi- 
ation are open; we're on spea 
2 Yes will be tour 

David Bowie says he's 
back control over 
much of his music catalog and that he 
intends to assemble an album of rari- 
Чез, outtakes and ephe 
as it's legal. Bow 
some i 
[Brian] Eno and 1 did so much stuff that 
never came out and Pd really like to 
release it." . . . Keith Richards joined Chris 
Frantz and Tina Weymouth in the studio to. 
add guitar on a song for the Ziggy Marley 
album. Keith played with Zigay's fa- 
ther, Bob Marley, too. Linda Ronstadt 
produced David Lindleys album... . A 
rock treatment of Jules Verne’s Around 
the World in Eighty Days, with songs by 


PODARI 
gradually winnin 


Ray Davies, is being developed to de- 
but next summer in a theater in Cal 


fornia. . . . Mark Knopfler says that 
Straits’ days may be numbered 
not really interested in the band at the 


moment. . .. [just don't feel like it, and 
there are more challenging things for 
Paul Shaffer, musical directe 

« n Lale Night with David Lellerman, has 
been working on a record with a variety 
of guest stars, including Erie Clapton, Fats 
Domino, Donald “Duck” Dunn, Allen Tous- 
saint aml Dave Edmunds. Mick and 
Keith have been nominated for the In- 
ternational Award at the Songwriters 
Hall of Fame ceremony in April. 
They're competing against the likes of 
Paul Anka and Noel Coward. . . . Two 
Caribbean islands have honored John 
Lennon and Elvis by issuing stamps in 
their likenes: - The Amnesty In- 


ternation: 88 Tour may tra behind 
the fron nd possibly in South 
Africa beginning in the fall. Peter 


Gabriel, Bryan Adams and Jockson Browne 
are expected to be among the partici- 
pants. If you're a print collector 
who's passionate about the Beatles, 
you'll want to check out Targeted Com- 
munications’ 12 original album-cov 
prints, from Please Please Me to Let It 
Be. The prints were created by Tom 
Klvepful, former head of graphic design 
at New York's Museum of Modern Art 
They make terrific gifts. . . . Due soon: 
new albums from James Taylor, thc Clash, 
Sade, ‘til tuesday, Cheap Trick, Stevie Ray 
Vaughn, Bobby McFerrin, Grandmaster 
Flesh, the Talking Heads, the Ramones, 
Rickie Lee Jones, the Reddings, the Com- 
modores and even Conway Twitty. . . . And 
finally, Sting says his song ideas come 
to him That ought to 
make shrinks all over the world feel 
great. —HARBARA NELLIS 


n his dreams. 


5 his heart out. 

Skynyrd never got much respect, be- 
cause its members looked like what they 
were—a bunch of Southern ruffians. But 
the fact is they were ahead of their time, as 
you can tell even from this hodgepodge. 
Try Four Walls of Raiford, which tells a 
disastrous story about a Vi 
ten years or so before Born in the U 
It's some scary music, and whether or not 
you were around to witness Skynyrd in its 
glory, you ought to hear it now. 

‘The songs on Cress Our Hearts (Upside, 
225 Lafayette Street, New York, New York 
10012), Canadian Jeffrey Hatcher's debut 
with the Big Beat, are shaped something 
like the heartland rock of Springsteen and 
Mellencamp, but Hatcher has 
a common with V 
work off a combination of wry er 
bitter anger. Here they re best expressed 
in yet another soldiers story, Eye of the 
Needle. ‘These more modest songs 
make a nice contrast and complement to 
Legend. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


‘The remix is half consumer fraud, half 
connoisscurship run amuck. Of course, a 
good club d.j. can jolt the assembled asses 
with the right dub, but most of the extra 
stuff the labels put on 12-inchers functions 
as filler for anyone except a beat baby. So 
I was surprised to discover three recent 
remix compilations that have their uses 
Madonna's You Can Dance (Sire) leaves her 
biggest radio hits untouched for some fu- 
ture compilation; yet, not counting the 
dub-mad Into the Groove, a dance track to 
begin with, these seconds sound more at 
home in their specially segued all-new ex- 
tensions than buried away on her albums. 
Side B of Billy Idol's Vital Idol (Chrysalis) 

just macho disco, but side A plays up the 

cartoonishness of his sneering persona 
with special effects his videos should only 
equal. And moving to the sublime, we 
have New Orders Substance (Qwest). 
When the band was still extricating itself 
from the cerebral gloom of Joy Division, 
ew Order liked disco because it was 
trancelike—that is, boring, But just to 
keep themselves awake, the band members 
devised their own system of kinetic percus- 
sion and topped things off with hypnotic 
chants, especially on the singles that are 
Substance's substance. A revelation. 
Long ago and far away, Earth, Wind & 
ire taught black pop fans the wisdom and 
beauty of the self-contained band. Al- 
though a tour featuring the two oth ue 
inal members is planned, the band on the 
new Touch the World (Columbia) is com- 
posed of two solo arti leader Maurice 
White and his sometime compadre Philip 
Bailey—joining their voices in song with 
а bunch of L.A. studio and publishing 
hacks. Yet White still gets good music out 
of his trademark. No matter who created 
them, System of Survival and Money Tight 
make him sound more in touch with the 
world than all his solo artistry. 


WINNER! 


Top-rated radar detector beats Passport. 


Only 1a" tall, 
wide, and 41/2" long. 
Fitsin your pocket. 
ls where you travel. 


load & Track magazine recently tested 
ight popular radar detectors. SNOOPER 
D-4000 won big. In actual road tests 
where it counts. Around the corner and 
over the hill radar ambushes. What about 
current best-seller Passport? ”. .. second 
only to the SNOOPER D-4000.” Sorry guys. 
Fact: The SNOOPER D-4000 beats Pass- 
port ‘on performance, Fact: It costs $115 
less! No doubt who won. 
"The SNOOPER D-4000 produced the 
earliest warning in our arourid-the- 


corner and over-the-hill tests.” 
Road & Track, September 1986 


Sold on new high 
performance cars. 
The SNOOPER D-4000 is made in Garland, 
Texas by Microwave Systems, Inc. — the 
inventor of solid-state radar detection for 
cars. The first to use superheterodyne dr- 
cuitry. The pioneer in remote devices. 
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етме 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


HOMELESS PEOPLE who rave in the street 
probably want to tell us something about 
being socicty's dispossessed. That humane 
message comes through loud and clear in 
Ironweed (Tri-Star), adapted by William 
Kennedy from his masterful novel about 
some end-of-the-line bums in Albany, New 
York, back 1938. Director Hector 
Babenco, whose Kiss of the Spider Woman 
had an equally depressing subject but be- 
came a surprise success and brought an 
Academy Award to William Hurt, beats 
the odds again with this downbeat, poetic 
bur achingly beautiful treatment of a 
difficult theme. Stars Meryl Streep and 
Jack Nicholson have the charisma to draw 
crowds and the awesome talent to hold 
them. You can bet the family farm on 
Streep’s getting an Oscar nomination for 
her portrayal of a broken-down former 
singer and concert pianist; when she 
croaks out a hoozy ballad called He's Me 
Pal for a bunch of barfli "s magic-mo- 
ment time. Streep's part has been built up 
substantially for thc movic, with reward- 
ing results, and Nicholson is no less bril- 
liant as the onetime ballplayer who keeps 
confronting the ghosts of his unhappy 
past. Carroll Baker and Чоп Waits (scc 
this month's 20 Questions) stand out in the 
vivid gallery of character portraits that 
catapult /ronweed into scoring position 
among the year's best. YYYY 
. 

The ticker tapes full of bad 
still fresh when Well Street (Fox) arrived. 
another perfectly timed big one from Oli- 
ver (Platoon) Stone. There's nary a hero 
for audiences to cheer in this doggedly 
moral tale of financial high rollers, yet di 
rector Stone, who co-authored the script 
with Stanley Weiser, stays on his hot 
streak in several respects. Slick and street 
smart, the movie is a kind of F 
end of our time: all about a hungry young 
stock trader (Charlie Sheen) who barters 
his soul—and even sells short his own 
dad, an old-school union man (played by 
his real-life father, Martin Sheen) —for a 
giant bite of the Big Apple. As the buyer, a 
corporate raider named Gekko, Michael 
о takes aver the picture in the 
ing performance of his carcer, 
even topping his megahit Fatal Attraction. 
“Greed is good, greed is right . . . greed 
works,” rasps Douglas. That’s a sampler 
from a screenplay about as subtle as a 
mile-long strip of billboards. Whether or 
not Wall Street wins public favor, its a 
headlong, even nt, сПогі to make 
some of the money boys’ manipulations 
comprehensible, ¥¥¥ 

. 

For the first half hour or so, Steven 
Spiclberg's Empire of the Sun (Warner) is 
moviemaking at its zenith. The eyes pop 


Streep, Nicholson and Waits in lronweed. 


Star power scores in 
Ironweed, Wall Street; 
a mind-boggling Empire. 


and the mind boggles at this sprawling, 
tic adaptation of J. С. 
Ballanı's autobiugraphical novel about a 
British boy, born to privilege but interned 
in a Japanese prison camp near Shanghai 
afier the outbreak of World War Two 
Working from a sensitive if convoluted 
screenplay by Tom Stoppard, Spielberg 
fills his giant canvas—much of it filmed in 
China—with eloquent vignettes of West- 
erners, all dressed up for costume parties 
and exhibiting chin-up complacency on 
the eve of Armageddon, December 1941. 
The role of Jim, who's 11 at the picture’s 
beginning, is played by ian Bale, a 
miraculously unaffected young actor who 
never tries to win us over with cutesy kid 
stuff. Jim’s a natural survivor, torn away 
from his parents to grow up wild in a 
child's garden of horrors. His odyssey be- 
gins with Shanghai in chaos at the time of 
Pearl Harbor and ends alter the second 
atom bomb pulverizes Nagasaki. Being a 
kid. he's more into macho adventure than 
morality and seems equally impressed by 
hot pilots, whether they're all-American or 
Japanese kamikazes. His role model in the 
camp is a conniving U.S. seaman named 
Basie (John Malkovich), who makes him 
an honorary Yank, While Empire soars 
high intermittently, the movie seems 
bogged down with the book's device of 
forcing us to look at everything—from sex, 
death and sadism to black-marketeering— 
through the bright prism of a boy's lost 
innocence. The effects lose ellect as the 
movie's length stretches to two hours plus; 


awesome, coolly 


Spielberg's vision blurs, an obtrusive 
heavenly choir dominates the sound track 
and his masterful technique starts to 
smack of exuberant self-indulgence. 
Which is not to suggest that any film buff 
worthy of the name should pass up an epic 
bursting with evidence of genius. ¥¥¥ 
D 

Say yes to Broadcast News (Fox), on the 
slate of top-notch movies released at year’s 
end, too late for more timely review but 
likely to stick around. Picking up roughly 
where Paddy Chayelsky's Network left off 
more than a decade ago, writer-producer- 
director James L. Brooks has wrought a 
far less savage but cutting-edge satire that 
amounts to open-heart surgery of the 
news-as-entertainment industry. As with 
his 1983 Oscar winner, Terms of Endear- 
ment, Brooks frames a slew of prizeworthy 
performances. William Hurt is smashing 
as a slick, photogenic nonentity who's 
born to make it big on the tube, though 
he's damn near upstaged by Holly 
Hunter—plainly perfect as the brainy, 
ambitious Washington-bureau producer 
who wants him but tells him, “You're 
uneducated, you have almost no experi- 
ence... and you can't write.” However, 
he counters, “Pin making a fortune.” Al- 
bert Brooks completes the stellar triangle 
with his zinging shot as an also-ran re- 
porter who notes, on a hazardous gig in 
Central America, “I just risked my life for 
a network that tesis my face on focus 
groups!” Finally, Broadcast News boasts 
such rich comic assets that it can afford the 
luxury of Jack Nicholson in a brief but 
commanding stint as a smug, powerful 
network anchor man. YYYY 

. 

True to formula, the creators of sus- 
pense drama can seldom resist the tempta- 
tion to stage a dif-hanger climax in a 
monumental landmark building. That's 
the only good reason for Kelly McGillis to 
be pursued by an agile villain through the 
scenic sky-high catwalks of New York's 
Grand Central Station in The House on Car- 
roll Street (Orion). Up to this point, direc- 
tor Peter Yates will have you believing 
most of the murderous intrigue afoot in 
Walter Bernstcin's taut, provocative 
screenplay about the McCarthy era. 
McGillis plays a Life photo editor eased 
out of her job after testifying about her lib- 
eral sympathies in front of the House Un- 
American Activities Committee. ean 
FBI agent she'd love to hate ( Jeff Daniels) 
keeps an eye on her, she stumbles onto a 
scheme to smuggle some Nazi doctors into 
the United States. They're all war crimi- 
nals with fake credentials, bound for 
Chicago—presumably to do more foul but 
unspecified deeds. Behind the plot is a po- 
litical shyster played with snaky relish by 
Mandy Patinkin. McGillis, looking plain 
but persuasively brainy as the heroine, is a 


21 


PLAYBOY 


а le match for Daniels, who must be 
the most amiably casygoing leading man 
ce Jimmy Stewart. Brim full of person- 
y, they top an acting ensemble that 
adds a lot to Carroll Street's inviting ambi- 
ence. Worth a visit if you care to poke 
around in a reasonable facsimile of Hitch- 
cock's old neighborhood. ¥¥¥ 
. 

The United States ıs. Nicaragua is the 
subject of Walker (Universal), director Alex 
(Sid and Nancy) Cox's misbegotten movie 
that makes all the wrong moves in a liberal 
cause. Ed Harris has the title role, his cus- 
tomary star power obscured in a fog of self- 
righteous platitudes, as William Walker, 
an infamous American soldier of fortune 
who conquered Nicaragua in 1855 with 
the finan backing of U.S. tycoon Cor- 
nelius Vanderbilt (played as a greedy-cap- 
italist cartoon by Peter Boyle). Marlee 
Matlin, last year's Oscar-winning actress 
in Children of a Lesser God, also turns up in 
à brief, thi rss role as Walker's di 
mute bride-to-be, whose untimely death 
drives him deeper into political madne: 
Walker's credo was manife 
lar of US. foreign policy 
Century, when right-thinking Ameri 
wed imperialist expansion as a God- 
is new? Not a hell of 
a lot, and lest anyone miss Walker's con- 
temporary relevance, Cox and screenplay 
author Rudy Wurlitzer lay on heavy 
to press the point home. Deploy 
device of black comedy when 
but rarely displaying any 
wit, they suddenly introduce Time, News- 
week and People magazines into Nicaragua 
circa 1857. Anachronistic autos and even a 
military helicopter zoom onto the scenc as 
reminders that little has changed in a cen- 
tury or so—and for slow learners, the fin; 
credits feature Ronald Reagan on TV, r 


stating his well-known hostility toward 
Managua’s present regime. ¥ 
. 
Cathy Moriarty, who would be high on 


anybody’s list of memorable screen new- 
comers, won an Oscar nomination for her 
1980 debut as Vicki La Motta in Raging 
Bull, appeared in a so-so comedy called 
Neighbors, then dropped off our radar 
screen. Still drop-dead beautiful, Moriarty 
is back, talking street tough and ca 
ing the camera with every 
in White of the Eye (Cinema Group). М 
er-director Donald Cammell’s cerie shock- 
er casts her as a New York expatriate in 
Arizona. She's an impulsive sexpot who, 
en route to Malibu eight years 
abandoned her ne’er-do-well boyfriend 
(Alan Rosenberg) to settle down in Tucson. 
after being turned on and tuned up by a 
handsome hi-fi-installation man (David 
Keith). Time passes and the old beau 
resurfaces during an outbreak of grisly 
murders by a woman-hating psycho who 
mutilates his victims. mmell, a maver- 
ick film maker who codirected Performance 
(a 1970 cult favorite starring Mick Jagger), 


Walker's Matlin, Harris. 


A Walker with two 
left feet; the return 
of Cathy Moriarty. 


approaches White of the Eye at askew an- 
gles, with supercharged, offbeat acting to 
match. Except for а preposterous, pre- 
dictable finale at an abandoned mine site, 
here's a Moriarty showcase full of tingling 
B-movie vibes. УУМ 

. 

Saddled with his own so-so sercenplay 
for a conventional thriller called Cop (At- 
ic), w ctor James В. Harris al- 
most saves it by casting James Woods in 
the central role. As a horny, hell-bent L.A. 
detective who makes Dirty Harry look laid 
back, Woods chews the seri i 
the scenery. His case © 
serial killer whose bloody trail leads to a 
feminist bookshop whose neurotic propri- 
etress (Lesley Ann Warren) has all kinds 
of problems with men. While Cop has 
loose ends galore, Woods infuses every 
loose end with live-wire energy. YY 


. 
At best reminiscent of 


ference Mal 
ics Badlands, writer-di Michael 
Holliman's Promised Land (Vestron) is an 
arresting vision of restless youth. Kiele 
Sutherland, Tracy Pollan and Jason Ged- 
rick play young adults who have gone to 
high school together in the same small 
Idaho town and return a couple of vears 
later—not for a class reunion but for an 
unscheduled date with destiny that leaves 
one of them dead. Another elusive / 
can dream gone sour. Sutherland is the 
mainspring character, a born-to-lese nerd 
and recent jailbird, abetted by Meg Ryan 
in a fine flamboyant stint as the manic, 
hoydenish wife he's d g home for the 
holidays. Both are electric in an ambitious 
and worthy project developed at Robert 
Redford's Sundance Institute. YYY 


meri- 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Broadcast News (See review) Hurt is the 
anchor and he's hot wy 
Cop (See review) Shallow police drama 
with some deep, dark Woods. yy 
The Couch Tip (Reviewed 2/88) All the 
shrink jokes Aykroyd can handle. ¥¥ 
Cry Freedom ( 12/87) Anti-apartheid d 
ma, uneven but powerlul—with Kevin 
Kline, Denzel Washington. wy 
The Dead (2/88) John Huston's swan 
laughter Anjelica shines. YYYY 
Empire of the Sun (Sec review) When it’s 
good, it’s Spielberg at his һем. УУУ 
Five Corners (Listed only) Jodie Foster 
takes the Bronx, sort of. эз 
Goby—A True Story (1/88) Three cheers, 


but get out your handkerchiels. ¥¥¥ 
Goodbye, Children (Listed only) Malle 
on a trip down memory lane. ¥¥¥% 
Hope and Glory (11/87) Brits during the 
blitz, through a glass brightly. УУУУ 


Housekeeping (Listed 2/88) Untidy but 
nice off beat comedy from Bill Forsyth, 
starring Christine Lahti. vr 
The House on Carroll Street (Sec review) 
McGillis spying on it yvy 
Ironweed (Sec review) As street people, 
Streep and Nicholson triumph. УУУУ 
Jean de Florette (8/87) and Manon of the 
Spring (1/88) Yves Montand in a rivet 
ing French masterwork. wu 
The Lost Emperor (2/88) High, wide and 
handsome historical еріс of modern 
China, by Bernardo Bertolucci. УУУУ 
‘Moonstruck (2/88) Oh, men, oh, women, 
oh, Cher and Olympia Du 
Overboard (Listed only) A: sia vic- 
tim, rich bitch Goldie Hawn finds sim- 
ple joys with poor carpenter Kurt 
Russell. They keep it afloat. МА 
Poss the Ammo (2/88) Targeting Gospel 
truth according to PTL types. БЫ 
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (Listed 
only) Sieve Martin mees John 
Candy in 1001 hilarious mishaps. | ¥¥¥ 
Promised Land (Sce review) Misspent 


youth again, but above average. ¥¥%4 
September (2/88) Woody in a gray 
mood. ET 


Three Men and a Baby (Listed only) Fun 
with swinging surrogate dads Danson 
Selleck, Guttenberg. wy 
Throw Momma from the Train (2/88) A 
coup for Crystal and DeVito. wy 
Walker (Sec review) Stumbling about 
Nicaragua back when. E 
Wall Street (Scc review) Stone's throw is 
still reasonably accurate. wy 
White of the Eye (Scc review) At least 
catch Cathy Moriarty WA 


YW Outstanding 
УУУУ Don't miss YY Worth a look 
WY Good show ¥ Forget it 


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By THOMAS M. DISCH 


1 E STONE was the great muckraking jour- 
nalist of the Fifties and Sixties. Operating 
without benefit of syndication or a spon- 
soring newspaper, he published his own 
ich he regularly scooped the 
ajor news media not by the 
derring-do detectivework of Woodward 
and Bernstein but by a close, skeptical 
reading of such dry-as-dust sources as the 
Congressional Record and other publicly 
available material. You could call it the 
Purloined Letter, or hidden-in-plain-sight. 
school of journalism. Stone stopped pub- 
lishing his newsletter in 1971 and in retire- 
ment returned to his early thwarted loves, 
philosophy and history. With background 
of only one semester of Greek in college, 
Stone taught himself the language, steeped 
himself in its literature and applied his 
special brand of investigative reporting to 


the most celebrated criminal trial in an- 
cient history. The result 


The Trial of 
Socrates (Little, Brown), a work of classical 
scholarship that brings ancient history to 
vivid life not by the usual expedient of col- 
oring the known facts with novelistic detail 
but by approaching the task with passion- 
ate partisanship. Stone regards Socrates 
not as the noble marble metaphysician of 
legend but as a right-wing apologist for 
those who had twice subverted Athenian 
democracy by military coups. He hates 
Socrates in much the way he must hate Pat 
Buchanan or Jerry Falwell—and philoso- 
phy has nothing to do with it. The animus 
Stone brings to bear is impressive, and the 
case he is able to construct seems water- 
tight. I never have liked Socrates—and 
now I know why. 


А 
1 Dickens were alive today, he would 
surely make Edward Abbey a character in 
one of his novels, for Abbey has that Di 
ensian quality of being smug and sancti- 
monious in ways that are always consistent 
but are constantly surprising. He has only 
a—he loves the great outdoors— 
hundred kinds of moral 
fall. Commissioned 10 write about San 
Francisco in comparison with other West- 
ern cities, Abbey bristles, “1 am not a con- 
noisseur of cities. In general, all big ci 
seem alike to me: appalling places.” Ac- 
cordingly, he leaves behind his fifth wi 
and fourth child and drives off to sce Big 
Sur, there to complain about the traffic 
jam caused by all the miserable tourists 
and to philosophize about the population 


problem and “the touchy subject of immi- 
gration. I Sooner or later 
we must draw the line, say, No More, our 
bo; enough.” There is 


other essay in which Abbey advocates 
spiking trees with 60-penny nails when 
one goes hiking in the wilderness as a way 
spare these trees.” 


Socrates on trial, again. 


1. F. Stone brings ancient 
istory to life; Cave Brown's 
book of gentlemanly spying. 


For the woodman himself, Abbey shows 
no such compassion. Reading this latest 
book of essays, One Life at a Time, Please 
(Holt), could turn even Henry David 
Thoreau into a supporter of the Depart- 
ment of the Interior's ellorts to dam the 


Colorado River and turn the Grand 
Canyon into a speedboat raceway. 
. 
About face. And three cheers for 


Lawrence Wright, who has written the 
most compelling and unlikely 
nonfiction that Гуе read in a long while. 
the New World (Knopf), subtitled “Grow- 
g Up with America 1960-1984," is а 
combined memoir and history of the peri- 
od from 1960 to 1984, from Wright's mov- 
ing to Dallas at the age of 13 to his return 
there 24 vears later as a journalist covering 
the Republican National Convention. His 
book touches all the major historical 
bases—the Kennedy assassinations, Viet- 
nam, Martin Luther King. Jr.'s, assas- 
sination and the riots ensued, 
Watergate—familiar subjects, true, but 
Wright manages to shape this quarter c 
tury into an era that seems, at lcast as he 
tells it, to have had a coherent meaning, 
and one connected to his own youth, The 
New World to which Wright refers in his 
title is the Sun Belt, where he grew up 
Dallas, where Kennedy was killed; New 
Or Atlanta. Wright al- 
ways has the knack of expressing just what 
you've always felt about all those familiar 
faces on the nightly news but have never 
managed to put into words. Its odd to 


; Nashville; 


agree with someone on virtually every 
page of his book and still want to keep 
turning those pages as avidly as if the book 
were a suspense thriller with a baffling 
plot. I suppose, though. that if you think 
bout it, that’s exactly what history is. 


And, Lord, can Wright think—and 
write—about it. 
. 
^C" (Macmillan), by Anthony Cave 
Brown, is subtitled “The Rise and Fall of 


Sir Stewart Graham Menzies”; and if 
you've never heard of Si tewart and 
wonder what he did to merit a biography 
in two thick volumes, you necdn't feel un- 
informed. Throughout most of his carcer 
as ^C," an officer in and lly the head of 
Britain's Secret Intelligence Service, Men- 
zies had no official existence except as a 
clubman and a huntsman. The book is one 
long obeisance to his lordliness, sagacity 
and unimpcachable honor, all based on 
secondary sources, since the British Secret 
Intelligence Service is nothing if not secre- 
tive. Those parts of Menzies” story that 
best bear repeating, such as the Ultra op- 
eration, which deciphered the Germans’ 
Enigma code, have been told better else- 
where. On the subject that cast а long 
shadow over Menzies’ retirement—the 
Kim Philby spy scandal, with all that it 
suggested about the endemic corruption of 
the old-boy system of gentlemanly spy- 
ing—Cave Brown offers lite more than a 
loyal harrumph. C supposedly served as 
the model for Tan Fleming’s M and John le 
Carre’s Control. He rem: ivid— 
and more credible—as a figure of fiction. 


BOOK BAG 


Time and Tide (Simon & Schuster), by 
Thomas Fleming: A novel of the Navy, 
with a sense of history, honor and struggle 
scattershot with suspense and action. 
Tough to put down. 

A Girl's Guide to Chaos and Other Pieces 
(Fireside), by Cynthia Heimel: The script 
for our columnist's ofl-Broadway hit. Like 
having a seat on the aisle, 

Ron Wood: The Works (Harper & Row), by 
Ron Wood with Bill German: An engaging 
collection of the Stone's sketches, portraits 
and candid reminiscences. 

Wall Street Words (Houghton Mifin), by 
David L. Scott: For those who think they 
still speak English on Wall Street. 

Psychotic Reactions ond Carburetor Dung 
(Knopf), by Lester Bangs, edited by Greil 
Marcus: Bangs walked point for rock с! 
cism. This chronicle of the late writer's 
works reloads a gun left smoking much too 
soon. 

Nando Devi: The Tragic Expedition (Stack- 
pole), by John Roskelley: One of the 
world’s foremost mountaineers retraces his 
steps in an emotional look back at a trek 
gone awry up India's famed mountain. 


SPORTS 


I has been said that a little blonde dish 
named Sonja Henie invented the wi 
ter Olympics. She won the gold medal 
figure skating in 1928, 1932 and 1936. It 
has also been said that Sonja Henie tried 
to kill the winter Olympics by becoming a 
movie actress. 

For years, all anybody knew about win- 
ter sports was Sonja Henie, who came out 
of Norway to steal our hearts and, occa- 
sionally, John Payne’s. 

There's one thing you could be sure of 
when you went to see a Sonja Henie 
movie. She might be in the role of a shop- 
girl, a maid, the daughter of an innkeeper 
or even a spy, but somewhere in the plot, 
she would happen upon this frozen pond, 

A pair of ice skates would suddenly at- 
tach themselves to her dainty feet, accor- 
dion music would come out of a void and 
in her platinum hair, worn like a skullcap, 
she would go spinning, hopping, gliding 
over the pond 

Part of the charm of the winter 
Olympics ie that ice skating and all the 
rest of those Olympic sports completely 
disappear for four ycars at a time. 

The events haven't changed much since 
the first winter Olympics in 1924. They've 
only multiplied. 

Take speed skating. There are now 7319 
speed-skating events, which are all the 
same Competition, People wearing leotards 
and shower caps, swinging one arm, skate 
around this oval until Sports Illustrated 
stops taking pictures. 

In each winter Olympics, 7310 of these 
events are won by the same athlete, whose 
name is Ivar, Thun or Eric. 

Up in Lake Placid in 1980, when Eric 
Heiden was winning his 7310 races, many 
among the press got so bored with cover- 
ing it that they took to hollering at Eric 
each time he came around a turn. 

“Fall!” more than one would shout, 
hoping for something different to write 
about. 

In women's speed skating, the 7310 
events are usually won by the Beast of 
Buchenwald. 

Bobsledding has its followers. This is a 
sport in which demented people sit on 2 
sled that goes 2000 miles per hour down 
an ice ditch. The same sport is often prac- 
ticed without ice—when four drunks leave 
a fraternity party in a BMW. 

Hockey leaves Canada every four years 
to go to the winter Olympics, but nobody 
knows it’s there unless the United States 
beats Russia. 


By DAN JENKINS 


SNOW JOB 


Cross-country skiing is a sport that still 
mystifies me. In another life, I covered the 
winter Olympics twice, once in Austria, 
once in France, What you do at a cross- 
country ski race is look for the athlete 
whose nose has grown the longest icicle. 

These guys spend four hours in the 
woods, and most of the time they’re going 
up something. 

"The winner of any cross-country ski 
race always has a name like Johan Sven 
Oddbjörn and speaks fluent salmon. 

Cross-country skiing is not a sport. It’s 
merely how a Swede goes to the 7-Eleven. 

And then there’s ski jumping. All of the 
demented people who aren't bobsledders 
are ski jumpers. 

The athlete, whose name is Birger 
Viklund Saarinen Haug-Skutnabb, comes 
down the world’s tallest playground slide 
and soars into the air, headfirst, hoping to 
land somewhere near a quaint little village 
below. 

Beneath him, 50,000 people eagerly 
await his arrival, knowing that if he comes 
down on his head, he won't be hurt, but if 
he hits sideways, he can be killed 

Ski jumping is how a Finn goes to the 
7-Eleven. 

"The least watched event of a winter 
Olym is the biathlon. This is because 
the sport is relatively new and so misun- 
derstood. But there is nothing complicated 
about the biathlon. 

A Russian puts on a pair of skis, picks 


up a rifle, slides around in the trees and 
stops every so often to shoot an East Ger- 
man. 

Nowadays, the glamor sport of the wi 
ter Olympics is Alpine skiing, principally 
because of people like Andrea Mead- 
Lawrence, Toni Sailer and Jean-Claude 
Killy, handsome figures who won gold 
medals and brought racing stripes to long 
underwear. 

Pleasure skiing, admittedly, can be a 
graceful, scenic, exotic sport. It has broken 
up a lot of marriages. But pleasure skiing 
has nothing to do with Alpine racing 

To be a great Alpine racer, it helps 
small way to be utterly stupi 

First, you have to feel comfortable lean- 
ing down a mountain. And then you have 
to relish such things as bumping into tree 
trunks at high speed, turning cart wheels 
down a slope for 200 yards at a whack, 
veering of course at a hairpin turn and 
winding up in St. Anton when you wanted 
to go to St.-Moritz and having your leg in 
a cast for three months out of every year 

I don't regret covering the winter 
Olympics. Those were the days when the 
French and the Austrians were the most 
interesting ski racers. They gave me great 
quotes. 

The Frenchman who would say 

“It is, for me, good, yes, but bad, not so 
much. I go fast, as I have learned, but the 
mountain is not for me to say. Yes, my skis 
are good, but as a child, which is what my 
father taught me. He was an old man, like 
my teacher in the Avec Saint-Raclette, you 
have been? Here, yes, the mountains are 
high but only as steep as my heart. Each 
man has two legs at the top. Yes, more 
wine. You are paying? I must have that 
woman over there. Is she rich?” 

And the Austrian: 

“Here it is not as pretty as home. Klein 
er Feister Sterner is beautiful, you have 
been? Yes, I am great, but I lost at Bang- 
Platz-Henkel, a mistake. It was my moth- 
ers illness. Fir und fumpsig, seeben und 
drysig. The snow will go with my skis. 
Here I must win, | think, But the moun- 
tain must tell my feet. I will live here one 
day and take a bath.” 

In the end, Sonja Henie’s sport turns 
out to make the most sense. It's clegant, 
its safe, it's indoors. 

You can see some great legs on the girls 
and a lot of guys who'd make darn fine 


waiters 
[v] 


Created for mighty Charlemagne | 
over a thousand years ago... 

used in crowning more than \ 
25 monarchs, from Louis XIV to 
Napoleon. ..this glorious sword is | 
today a national treasure of France. | 


And this magnificent replica, \ 


artistry by the legendary 
swordsmiths of Toledo, Spain, 
captures both the power and the 
opulence of the sword as it exists 
in France today. 


wrought with precision and \ 


Lavishly decorated with pure 24 
karat gold electroplate...set with 
rich blue lapis. .. etched with the 
heraldic emblems of France’s 
greatest rulers. ..it comes to you 
in a solid oak wall display rack 
To discover the thrill of holding a 
thousand years of history in your 
hand, reply by March 31st. 


Own the sword 
that crowned 25 Kings 


ize of sword: 
m blade tip to pommel. 


== COMMISSIONING AUTHORIZATION = 


THE SWORD 
OF CHARLEMAGNE 


Please mail by March 31, 1988. 


The Franklin Mint 

Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091 

Please enter my commission for the historic 
re-creation of The Sword of Charlemagne. 

I need send no payment now. I will be 
billed for the issue price of $395.* in five 
equal monthly installments of $79.* each, 
beginning when my sword is ready to be sent 
to me. I will receive the 44%" x 9%" solid 
oak wall display at no additional charge. 

“Phas my ste sales ux 


Signature 
Mr 

Mrs 

Miss 


Address 
City 


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Today the use of X and K Band police 
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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


M was thumbing through some of my 
lover's Playboy issues and ran across your 
questions on the “fictitious” Venus but- 
terfly of L.A. Law. Well, after reading a few 
of the responses, 1 realized that Venus but- 
terfly was the perfect name for what I had 
been doing all these years with my lover. 
Te wot only requires instruction to perform, 
it requires mood. Here's how it happened: 
The motel room overlooked the slowly 
flowing river and my partner motioned 
toward the phone, I knew if 1 wanted it, I 
would have to make the call. 1 lifted the 
receiver and dialed room service: “Yes, 1 
would like the peacock feathers out of the 
centerpiece in the main dining room, 
please. That's right, room 969." As we 
awaited the familiar knock on the door, my 
partner and I exchanged baited glances 
and began to undress. The bellboy would 
leave our request outside the room; we'd 
been here before. I took my position on the 
dresser, my bare back against the cold 
mirror, legs slighty bent and perched 
upon adjacent chairs. The anticipation 
was killing me. pples were growing 
hard and the tingling in my most sensitive 
place was beginning to hurt. The knock. 

My partner lowered the lights and 
walked toward me, tapping the flowing 
feathers on his hand like a sensuous riding 
crop. He began with my half-closed e 
lids, working his way downward to my 
throat, then my breasts. Like the wings of 
a butterfly, the feather brushed against my 
kin, lighting only long enough to cause 
immense pleasure . . . it wouldn't be long 
now. The feather brushed down 
and touched upon my most sensitive place 
the most imperceptible fluuering, causing 
my body to shiver with desire. The dane 
g flicker provoki 
hard, tangible object inside me to com- 
plete our rendezvous. He gave without 
query. My partner (husband/lover) and I 
meet twice a week—any more often would 
drive a woman insane.—Mrs. B. A. 
Austin, Texas. 


Thanks. 


Herc are ovo suggestions. When my 
lover performed the Venus butterfly, he 
began by calling room service for a pot of 
collec—strong and black. Everyone knows 
that coflee is the one true aphrodisiac. He 
would take a small sip of the hot coffe 
making sure it was not (00 hot for the ten- 
der labia and clitoris, and then nip, lie 
suck and gargle the clit and surrounding 
skin until the coffee cooled. Then he'd 
repeat the process. I'm not the 
secret is the heat, the caffcinc or the tongue 
action. But it is probably the length of time 
spent using a whole pot of coffee in thi 
manner. Or my lover would phone room 
service for a napkin ring and a pair of 
chopsticks. He would proceed to place the 


ire 


pkin ring on his penis, in the manner of 
a cock ring (don't try this at home. 
"Taking a chopstick in each hand, he would 
roll the pubic hair on each side of the 
vagina into a tight curl around the stick 
and gently pull back the two lips. Then he 
would lick and screw as though there were 
no tomorrow. It's so simple.—Miss M. D., 
Novato, California. 

Great. 


Every year, it seems, auto makers find 
themselves up to their eyebrows in leftover 
cars and oller incentives to get rid of them 
giveaways, cheap financin 
гп? And which type is 
best?—R. S., St. Paul, Minnesota. 

They may never learn , . . not as long as 
tastes are fickle, economic conditions unpre- 
dictable and product lead times several years 
long. Auto makers have been trying to wean 
the public from costly incentives, but that’s 
tough when we've learned to expect and wait 
Jor them. As Jor which to choose, that depends 
on your needs and priorities. The lowest 
finance vates are always for the shortest terms 
(typically, two years), so a low-interest loan 
saves substantially tn total cost bul requires 
much higher payments. If lower payments are 
your goal, take a longer-term loan at a higher 
rate and go for the gift or the rebate, if 
offered. Your total cost will be higher, but 
your initial and monthly outlays lower 
Beyond that, pick your car very carefully, 
test-drive and compare the value for the 
money. A good deal on the wrong car is nota 
good deal. Look for a dealer who has a lot of 
them in stock, since he's likely to be more 
flexible. Watch for salespeople's contests and 
incentives (Hawaiian vacations are big) and 
buy toward the end of the month, when they 
may accept less profit in order to make the 


sale. And keep your eye on the total deal, the 
bottom line—uot just the trade, or the incen- 
tive, or the top-of-the-page price or the dis- 
count on the car you're buying. 


Bam a single malc who frequently mastur- 
bates and likes to experiment with 
ferent. techniques. 
the common variations (using the right 
or left hand, rubbing the penis against 
the belly, masturbating with or without 
lubrication, etc.) and would like to dis- 
cover other safe, more exotic ways—diller- 
ent strokes, positions, locations, object 
ctc.—to stimulate myself and increase the 
excitement. I've looked for literature on 
the subject, but comprehensive books 
specifically devoted to male masturbation 
are difficult to find. Have you any sugges- 
tions?—B. J.. Los Angeles, C. 

Well, let's see: Henry Miller celebrated 
the cored-apple-and-cold-cream combination. 
Have you tried other fruits and vegetables? 
You could try bondage. Tie yourself up first 
No, that wouldn't work. Why not go through 
“The Joy of Sex” and try all of the positions, 
minus a partner? Maybe do й hanging 
upside down from a gravity-inversion bar. 
The only drawback to masturbation is that it 
leaves everything lo your imagination. So use 
i. 


V always thought (perhaps incorrectly) 
that one should match socks to trousers: 
eg, gray trousers get gray socks, even 
though the shoes are black. Also, are cor- 
dovan shoes OK with gray or blue suits? 
Last, must the belt always match the 
shoes?—L. B., Quakertown, Pennsylva- 
nia. 

With a gray suit, either gray or black socks 
are correct—assuming that you think they 
both look appropriate with the ensemble, Cor 
dovan shoes are generally casual-looking and 
are inappropriate with either a gray or a blue 
suil. The belt need not match the shoes: if 
anything, since the shoes are much farther 
from the belt line than the pants themselves, 
your best bet is to wear a belt that coordinates 
with the pants. 


Along with everybody else in America, 1 
read Presumed Innocent, the heralded pot- 
boiler by Scott Turow. I was mesmerized 
by the following passage: “She bumped 
her behind against me until I realized that 
was what I was being offered, a marble 
peach.” Marble peach? Vs this a new collo- 
quialism for anal intercourse?—B. Z 
Chicago, Illinois. 

We asked Turow, who is a Chicago atlor- 
ney, as well as a hugely successful first novel- 
wt, about the marble peach in question. 
Indeed, he coined the phrase, which we must 
admit we like enormously. “It was simply 
а metaphor,” Turow told us. “Now it seems 
lo have taken on cult significance. One 


m already aware of 


31 


PLAYBOY 


morning last summer, I was getting off my 
train at Union Station and 1 noticed a guy in 
business attire approaching me with a smile. 
As he drew closer, he said sort of surrepli- 
tiously, Don't say anything—just listen. 
Marble peach! Baskin and Robbin's flavor of 
the month*” Makes sense to us. 


F nally, I bought a car with a delux 
sound system that includes a ten-band 
graphic equalizer. How do 1 set the ten 
switches for maximum 
W. Z., Detroit, Michigan. 

If we tell you, will you come over to our 
house and leach us how to program our 
VER? Just kidding. Welcome to the wonder 
ful world of high tech. Think of each of the 
switches as a one-octave tone control. On old 
units, the basic tone control allowed you to 
accent either the bass or the treble. Now you 
can adjust bands of sound, through the ten 
oclaves audible to the human rar. Here are 
some hints: To improve EM reception, nudge 
the S-kHz and the 16-kHz slides—the two 
highest octaves, That should bring up the 
sound quality of cymbals, guitars and strings, 
Af you have а lot of hiss on cassette tapes, cut 
back on those slides. The uext-besl stralegy is 
to sel the equalizer in response to the instru- 
mentation of your favorite tapes. If you like 
Captain Nemo organ solos or want to turn 
your BMW into a bass drum, boost the 32-H 
band. To put some punch into regular rock 
roll bass, try boosting the 64-kH= band. 
The next twa bands (125 Hz and 250 Hz) 
are responsible for much of the warmth and 
richness of the over-all sound. Think mellow 
cello and set accordingly. The midrange shde 
covers 500 Hz—the range of male voices, 
most strings, piano and woodwinds. The ad- 
jacent upper midrange (I kHz) and lower ire- 
ble (2 kHz) cover the female voice and mast 
acoustic instruments. Boosting these levels 
сап accent a voice and put the singer right in 
the front seat with you. (Cutting these bands 
can cause the voice or the instrument to 
cede.) The three highest slides (4 KHz, 8 kHz 
and 16 kHz) can be juggled to create image, 
depth, crispness, openness, etc. Still with us? 
Now turn on your car engine and sil there. 
Adjust one slide at a time to see what the effect 
is. If you are listening to a violin solo, 
fiddling with the bass slides will have no no- 
ticeable effect. From here on, you're on your 
oum. We set our equalizer in a basic banana 
shape that accents voices, but that’s our laste. 
Af you share a car pool with Bigfoot, you may 
want lo adjust the controls lo make up for that 
sound absorption. 


enjoymen?— 


an unusual question, Alter es 
с foreplay, I often become quite ex- 
1 overlubricated, which makes me 
too wet pery. 1 was wondering if 
perhaps alum, such as that used for sl 
ing cuts, would keep me drier inside. If it 
won't harm me, does it come in a powdery 
If this isn't a good idea, then Га 
te any suggestions! —Miss J. K., 
ıgton Beach, Californi 


There's no need. lo try artificial drying 
agents in an attempt to minimize lubrication. 
Not only might the introduction of chemical 
agents cause adverse reactions lo your (or 
your partner's) genitalia, it is an extreme and 
unnecessary solution. The simplest and easi- 
est remedy is lo use your hand(s) to wipe away 
any excess lubrication on the labia or just 
inside the opening lo the vagina, or keep some 
tissues nearby for this purpose. A quick pass 
over your genital area can be accomplished so 
defily and quickly that your partner may 
never be the wiser, though this is certainly not 
a cause for concern or embarrassment. 


Weis pears ago; I ects DONE witira 
woman who was going through a particu- 
larly difficult divorce from her abusive 
husband of 20 years. We weathered death 
threats, assaults and ugly court scenes but 
came out intact. Eight months after the 
divorce was final (and her ex-husband had 
finally decided he'd spent too much time 
in jail for bothering her), we separated. It 
was a time wh ther of us was sure 
whether I had been with her for true love 
or just to provide her with protection. The 
separation lasted six weeks. We found that 
we could not forget each other. We've been 
together since then, and things have been 
fantastic. We have both abandoned our 
I: protec 
ered a new level of mutual support and 
dedication. We laugh, hold cach other and 
take pride in cach other's accomplish- 
ments, Now there ts no doubt as to why 
we're together, It sounds like the perfect 
ending, but here is the catch: She is 13 
years older than I am and worries that she 
will physically break down before me if we 
should marry. 1 don't believe this. She is 
the most physically active woman Гуе 
ever been involved with, We swim, water- 
ski, climb cliffs, explore caves, run and 
have the most pleasurable sex that either 
of us has ever had. Her strength and dura- 
bility are incredible. Гуе pointed out to 
her that she would far outlast almost any- 
one else her age and that as we grow older, 
the difference in our ages, relative to our 
actual ages, will become smaller. All in 
all. I believe that 1 have found the perfect 
companion for me, and I know her well 
enough to know that she would not be 
гапу as happy with anyone else. There 
are no reasons to hurry any deci 
I feel that marriage is a probable outcome. 

likes the idea but is afraid. What is 
ion of the 
ton, Massachusetts, 

AI doesn't really matter what our opinion 
is. If this woman is comfortable enough with 
the idea of marriage, shell eventually come 
around to your way of thinking. If her past 
marriage is haunting her, however, you're 
going to be hard pressed to ease her hesitancy. 
We don't think age difference is the real issue 
here—but there's a chance she's using that as 
an excuse until she's more certain about her 
feelings for you. Give her time—and space, if 


ons and have discov 


po 


ns, but 


necessary. We feel that sooner or later, she'll 
realize thal you're basically correct about the 
insignificance of the difference between your 
age and hers. We wish you both well 


Recently, Гус seen discs available tha: 
“restored to original mono—di 
mastered.” As a general 
oldies discs, such as Elvis Presley and th 
Beatles. Can you explain why they maki 
the CDs in mono when the l LPs 
were released in stereo? —M. A., Redwood 
City, California. 

There may be a single reason or a combina 
tion of reasons for releasing a CD in mono 
cuen though a stereo version of the LP was 
once available. The decision is usually based 
on sound quality rather than on economic 
factors. Some of the very ald recordings were 
mastered in mono bul were released or reproc- 
essed in some sort of simulated stereo that 
sounds even more artificial on CD. In some 
cases, the original mono and stereo record- 
ings were compared and the CD was released 
in whichever sounded better. Because of a 
lack of technology and equipment in slerco's 
infancy, often the mono version sounds betler 
and, just as important, has less background 
noise than the stereo version. Introduction of 
and exposure to CDs have raised the public's 
awareness of sound quality as no other medi- 
The simulated stereo, limited 


are 


um euer has 
frequency response and high background 
noise of the past are just not acceptable to the 
increasingly sophisticated public. Mono re- 
leases of oldies are being cleaned up and re- 
leased the way they were meant to be heard: in 
mono, 


Fo: iha past two years, Liase been using 
condoms because of my fear of contract- 
ing the AIDS ‚ My question is this: 
On the back of all the condom brands I've 
used, there is the warning that “petrole- 
um-based jellies, cold creams or any other 
il-based products are not to be used with 
ex (rubber) condoms." I'm curious to 
know why, and what effect, if any, these 
products will have on a condom.—J. S., 
hington, D.C. 

A petroleum-based jelly can dissolve the la- 
tex, causing il lo shred. (You can lest your 
Javorite lubricant while masturbating to see if 
it causes a condom to deteriorate.) 


All reasonable: questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The mast provocative, pertinent que 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


ies 


ACTUAL SIZE 
Rudolph Valentino. His name was 
synonymous with self-assured 
style. Off and on the silver 
aste in jewelry reflected 
able confidence in his 
own masculinit 
Now. for the first time, the ring 
that he actually wore has heen 
re-created from the original now 
in the permanent collection of the 
Strong Museum. 


creen. 


prestigiou: 
An 


personal lu: 


pressive symbol of 


afted in the 
richness of solid ster 
And set with dramatic metallic 
black hematite. 
crafted in Idar-Oberstein, 
Germany. And hand-finished with 
ate intaglio design 
rs that appea 
Att 
priced at 

ш of a legend. For the 


adividually 


the same intr 
of Greek wa 


man of today. 


ORDER FORM 


Please return by March 31. 1988. 


‘anklin Mint 
klin С 


19091 Signature 
r The Rudolph 
ad set with black hematit 
ney naw. Û will be billed fo 


monthly installments of $59.*, the 


Name 


sterling silve 


I need send по m 
Address 


rst payah 


ity. State, Zip 
و‎ ? 85360-12 
FIT IS GUARANTEED. If the ring does not fit when you 


юп may return it for replace 


Indicate ringsize 


CORREC 


receive 


Mna 


you to 


ize is specified, you will receive a ring siz 
: г correct size with you 


ent. 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


Т... question for the month: 


What was having sex like the 
first time? 


СЭ, my Cod; sy moihaa reading iia; 
Tuo abe isl wea im love алй лени: 


anything like what I had dreamed about 
for so many 
years. lt was 


painful. We 
were in the 
front seat of a 
car. It was 
so terrible that 
I seriously 
thought, ГЇЇ 
never do this 
again, and I 
didn't for about 
a year after- 
ward. And 
guess what? It wasn't any better the sec- 
ond time. Obviously, it's improved dra- 
matically since. then; but at the time, I 
didn't like it at all. 


ge 


LYNNE AUSTIN 
JULY 1985 


WM iiec ose my virginity or give it away. Y 
found it. I found a wonderful experience. 
It was something I got in return for what I 
gave. It wasn't good or bad; it was inter- 
esting. I think a woman experiences it 
differently from 
а man. It cer- 
tainly can bc 
Чё and рай 
The frst 
ismt a 
experi- 
sa new 
experience. 1 
was in a rebel- 
lious period. I 
was very nerv- 
ous. | didn’t re- 
ally feel sexy 
until I gat older. When [ got morc familiar 
with sex and got used to it, then 1 started 
to feel sensuous and sexy. 


LUAN 
JANUARY 1987 


F was a romantic. 1 wanted to save sex 
for marriage. When I was away at school, 
my friends and 1 made a pact, We used 
to climb into an attic and have secret 
mectings. The group vowed to wait for 
marriage. One 
by one, each 
girl lost hers 
until I was the 
only one lefi. 1 
left school with- 
out giving in, 
nd when it 
finally hap- 
pened, 1 kind of 
regretted it, be- 
cause | didn't 
love him. I 
hadn't done it 
with anyone I did love, so why did 1 do it 
with him? That's women, I think. Were 
like that sometimes. I regretted not wait- 
ing for Mr. Right, but I did have a big gri 
оп my face, anyway. 


ан Eder 
MARINA BAKER 
MARCH кез 


This is. a delicate question. On the last 
day of high school, I decided it was time to 
have sex. I didn't have a boyfriend, so I 
chose a boy who had been a friend of mine 
for а long time, 1 was ready to find out 
what sex was 
like, and the 
most diplomat- 
ic thing | can 
say is that it’s 
certainly much 
better now. He 
was just a 
young man, 
and I was pret- 
ty uptight. 1 
had heen kissed 
only once be- 
fore: aee 
up our friendship, because afterward, we 
were uncomfortable about what we had 
done. I guess the classic statement “I want 
to keep you as a friend” is true. 


“аа qu 


JU 


/TERSON 
FEBRUARY 1987 


OS 
and-take with my first boyfriend. I 
was 18 and I was so involved in sports 
that I didn’t have a lot of time for 
guys, even though I was attracted to guys 
in sports. I was 

very nervous 
and 
when N 
took place. We 
were in a pool. 
1 love water— 
s so sensu- 


ous—but that 
first time, it 
was pretty 
quick and it 
hurt. It w 

great and 


it wasn't awful. It just happened. It didn't 
ruin my attitude toward sex at all. Now I 
enjoy it a lot, both making love and having 
sex with my boyfriend. 


A hosti 


REBECCA FERRATTI 
JUNE 1996 


Wi was great for me, because it happened 
with someone I loved. We were together 
for two years afterward. I was very scared. 
I didn't know what I was doing, but he 
was wonderful. 
I was in love 
with him, and 
that’s what 
made it special. 
He was пос 
inexperienced, 
though we had 
been together 
for a long time 
before | was 
ready for sex, 
and he put up 
with that. He 
said, "When you're ready, let me know 
He never tried to trip me up. He just wa 
ed until I was ready, and to this day, I'm 
sure he didn’t do it with anyone else while 


KYMBERLY PAIGE 
MAY 1987 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
| Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


12 mg. "tar", 0.8 mg. nicotine av. 
per cigarette by FTC method. 


| 
Also available in A 
King Size ol! Mess i 


©1967 BAWT Co. 


Any cola’s 

more delicious 
with 

atouch — 

of Comfort. ' 


Southern Comfort has a distinctive, appealing flavor. 
It’s a drink that makes any other drink taste that much better. 
ı Comfort & Cola: Pour 1 jigger (1% oz.) of Southern Comfort into a tall glass over ice. Fill with cola. 


AAA ж 
OS 


Souther Comlort Company, 80-100 Proof Liqueur, Louisville, KY 40201 ©1987 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


QU. E 


ا 


CON ES 


At a fashionable dinner party in 
Chicago, the hostess reads aloud from 
The Book of Questions, a best-selling pa- 
perback by Gregory Stock: 

“Would you be willing to murder an 
innocent person if it would end hunger 
in the world?’ ** 

* Assume there were a technological 
breakthrough that would allow people 
to travel as easily and cheaply between 
continents as between nearby cities. 
Unfortunately, there would also be 
100,000 deaths a year from the device. 
Would you try to prevent its usc? " 
Someone very close to you is in 
pain, paralyzed and will die within a 
month. He begs you to give him poison 
so that he can die. Would you? What if 
it were your father?” 

“If you knew your child would be 
severely retarded and would dic by the 
age of five, would you decide to have an 
abortion?" 

"While on a trip to another city, 
your spouse or lover mects and spends 
a night with an exciting stranger. Given 
that they will never meet again, and 
that you will not otherwise learn of the 
incident, would you want your partner 
to tell you about it? If roles were re- 
versed, would you reveal what you had 
done? " 


. 
On his morning commute, а busi- 
nessman reads the following questions 
in a full-page ad in The New York Times, 
sponsored by The Jewish Theological 
minary of America: 
You run a small business making 
fants’ clothing. One hundred families 
a depressed arca depend on you fora 
living. A Government agency discovers. 
that the Hameproofing ingredient used 
on your fabrics is carcinogenic—your 
entire inventory is banned from sale in 
the U.S.A. The government of a neigh- 
boring country imposes no such restric- 
tions on infants’ clothi You could 
sell the garments there and save your 


business. What do you do?” 
“You are an expert in 19th Century 
art. At a garage sale, you spot a small 


vil painting in a cracked frame. The 
price is five dollars. You are certain 
that it is the work of a minor master of 
the period, worth tens of thousands of 
dollars. You could legally pay the five 


? 


dollars without disclosing the paint- 


а z 
ing's worth. Do you buy and run?” 

“Your son, a high school junior, has 
a term paper due on Tuesday. Early 
Tuesday morning, he tells you that he 
has not finished writing it. He asks you 
to call him in sick so that he can finish 
the paper and hand it in on Wednesday 
without being penalized. He says, *Ev- 
eryone does it. You want me to be the 
only one playing by the rules? I need 
this grade so 1 can get intoa decent col- 
lege. Anyway, who does it hurt?” And 
what do you say?” 

. 

Allan Bloom, conservative author of 

the best seller The Closing of the Ameri- 


can Mind, provokes students suffering 
from cultural relativism with this ques- 
tion: 

“If you had been a British admi 
trator in India, would you have let the 
natives under your governance burn 
the widow at the funeral ofa man who 
had died?” 


A chaplain at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, 
asks soldiers at a values seminar to re- 
solve the following quandary: 

“You are in charge of a fallout shelter 
that can hold only ten people. There 
are 12 people, including a doctor, a 
lawyer and a prostitute, who are trying 
to get in. How do you decide?” 

б 

А doctor considers this medicolegal 
problem in a copy of Medical Aspects of 
Human Sexuality: “A patient has tested 
positive for HIV [the agent responsible 
for AIDS], confirmed via enzyme-linked 
immunosorbent assay (ELISA) and 
Western-blot techniques. He is asymp- 
tomatic and refuses to inform his wife of 
the test results, despite my explana- 
tions and urging him to do so. What is 
my legal obligation in this case?” 

. 

Ethical questions have replaced Triv- 
ial Pursuit as the parlor game of the 
Eighties. The blurb for The Book of 
Questions suggests, “Ask your friends. 
Ask your parents. Ask someone you 
hardly know.” The ad in The New York 
Times counseled, “Every day, cach of 
us faces conflicis and confusion, temp- 
tation and the fear of seeming a suck- 
er—tough decisions with no easy 
answers. If we shared our moral dilem- 
mas with the people we care about, it 
might make a difference in the choices 
we make. If our children heard us dis- 
cussing moral issues, perhaps they, too, 
would start asking questions.” 

In a culture that thrives on novelty, 
it is no surprise that these questions 
have an inordinate ability to fasci 


Most Americans 


strike us as novel 
don't face them every day. We make the 
decisions we want to, not the ones we 
have to. What do these little cattlc-prod 
questions signify? 

This is either the beginning ofan era 
or the end of one. 


R E 


A D 


E R 


A BYTE AGAINST PRIVACY 

Janlori Goldman's “Taking a Byte 
Out of Privacy” (The Playboy Forum, 
November) is a load of biased garbage 
There are cases in which innocent per- 
sons are arrested because the police use 
the National Crime Information Center 
computer, but those cases are extremely 
rare. Compare them with all the other 
times police officers and other agencies 


case is only one of the egregious examples of 
how an innocent person can be harmed by 
misusing the system. A Federal court recent- 
by held that the Los Angeles Police Depart- 
ment and the city of Los Angeles were liable 
lo Rogan for damages for violating his con- 
statutional rights. The court called their 
conduct “both grossly negligent and sys- 
lemic in nature” (emphasis mine). 

Levels of data integrity vary greatly from 


stale lo state. Because all arrest records are 
sent to the NCIC system and are later ac- 
cessed by law-enforcement officials around 
the country, there is no way for anyone to 
know with certainty whether he is calling up 
an accurate or complete record. For in- 
stance, New Jersey submits a final disposi- 
tion (the record of whether a person x 
convicted or acquitted) for only four percent 
of the arrest records given to the NCIC. Ver- 


use the NCIC to arrest the 
guilty. If we didn't use this sys- 
tem, muggers, rapists, thieves 
and murderers would walk our 
streets unchecked. Criminals 
love liberals like Goldman—for 
making their lives of crime 
easier. 

Mike Roberts, Patrol Officer 

Fort Worth, Texas 


Goldman is wrong when she 
states that "a significant per- 
centage of [NCIC information] 
is inaccurate or incomplete.” 
The NCIC regularly audits its 
information system. In fact, a 
recent NCIC audit of the Texas 
Harris County Sheriff Depart- 
ments criminal-warrants en- 
tries found an error rate of only 
«10 percent. I attended a Texas- 
sponsored school on the NCIC 
system and we were told repeat- 
edly that agencies that misused 
the system would be disconnected. 

The NCIC is a threat to the 
individual privacy and liberty 
of only one group—criminals. 
Goldman and the A.C.L.U. 
should consider the civil liber- 
ties of victims. 

David E. Kaup, Sheriff 
Harris County, Texas 

Goldman responds: 

The A.C.L.U. is not opposed to 
the NCIC, in fact, we believe that 
the NCIC system. if properly used, 
can benefit citizens as well as the 
law-enforcement community. What 
we are opposed to is the proposed 
dramatic expansion of the NCIC's 
scope—especially without any 
statutory authorization. The ex- 
pansion would include tracking 
and linkage systems far beyond 
anything ever envisioned when the 
NCIC was created. Study after 
study (including one by the FBI) 
shows that the NCIC houses a 
large percentage of inaccurate, in- 
complete crinunal-history infor- 
mation. The Terry Dean Rogan 


FOR THE RECORD 


MOMMA DON'T PREACH 


Brown University, in response to Nancy Reagan's 
“Just say no” campaign, held a forum called The 
Weekend of Choice to encourage college students 
“to think for themselves. 

One speaker, philosopher and guru Timothy 
Leary, told students that families, not governments, 
should teach morality. He himself forbids his 14- 
year-old son to do drugs, just as he forbids him to 
drive a car or use a chain saw. “Call me Attila the 
Hun or square, but that’s the way it is. You can’t 
fuck your mother, either.” 

But for those over the age of consent, he’s all pro- 
choice: “The Reagan Administration, which is with- 
out any doubt the most harcbraincd, fruitlooped, 
nitwit, impractical regime since Caligula’s, is trying 
to tell us what to do in the privacy of our own homes 
and bedrooms, and what we can or cannot put into 
our bodies. I want Nancy Reagan to keep her hands 
off our neurological pleasure dials.” 


mont, on the ather hand, submits 
the final disposition 97 percent of 
the time. Although arrests are au- 
tomatically entered into the NCIC 
depository, the FBI does not en- 
force any mandate that requires 
‚states to submit disposition data on 
those records. Therefore, someone 
cruising the streets af Chicago who 
makes an illegal left turn can be 
pulled ver and checked through 
the computer, only to have infor- 
mation turn up that he or she was 
arrested. sometime: previously for 
murder. Chances are the records 
will not show that the person was 
later acquitted. This is particular- 
ly disturbing because, m some in- 
stances, the NCIC records are 
released to the non-criminal-jus- 
tice community for employment or 
licensing purposes. In fact, 50 
percent of the inquiries to the 
NCIC system are from the non- 
law-enforcement community. 


The NCIC should be an aid 
to enforcement, never a detri- 
ment to innocent citizens. We 
must put a cap on this kind of 
system, 


A. Q. White 
Salem, New York 


Goldman's name probably 
went right into the NCIC's com- 
puter when the November issue 
of Playboy hit the stands. 
Robert Bradford 
Memphis, Теп 


ssce 


INSULIN FROM ANIMALS 
Lam a diabetic, kept 
daily doses of insulin 
there may be a better source of 
insulin than an 
but currently there's not. Stop 
killing cattle and you'll kill me 
instead. Is that what animal 
rightists want? 
Ralph Sizer 
Providence, Rhode Island 


R ES 


P O 


FORU vı — 


N S E 


A FATHER RESPONDS 

Lam no feminist and have even, on 
occasion, been called a male chauvinist; 
however, 1 must respond to John A. 
Rossler, president of The National Con- 
gress for Men (The Playboy Forum, De- 
cember). Rossler obviously does not 
believe that a man should feel any re- 
sponsibility, love or compassion for a 
child conceived during a short-lived rela- 
jonship. As the father of six, I canna 
understand how any man can be devoid 
of these feelings for any of ildren. If 
don't have un- 


you don't want children 
protected sex. 
William D. Cobourn 
Concord, New Hampshire 


SAVE OUR CHILDREN 
The time, effort and money spent by 
procensorship people on lawyers, boy- 
cots, lobbying and letter-writing cam- 
paigns supposedly in the name of the 
children would be better utilized in help- 
ing them learn and grow. With true con- 
cem and effort on the part of the adult 
populace, maybe our children will have 
an easier time facing their future. 
James Haas 
Gunnison, Colorado 


ANTI-ABORTION UPDATE 
1 thought you'd like an update on 
“Ronald Reagan, No-Choice Advocate" 
(The Playboy Forum, December). A New 
York Federal judge dismissed a 1 
suit by Planned Parenthood that 
sought to overtum the Reagan Ad- 
ministraüon's policy of denying 
Federal funds to overseas planned- 
parenthood groups that mention 
abortion as an alternative to pregnan- 
cy. The judge, in dismissing the suit 
said, "It would amount to a ruling by 
ihis court requiring the Executive 
[branch] to render financial assistance 
abroad to applicants whose activities 
opposition to the an- 
d foreign policy of the United 
States.” I can't understand why Rea 


are squarely 


nounc 


didn't nominate that judge for thc 
Supreme Court. 
W. Jacobs 
Albany, New York 


The Reagan Administration's denial 
of funds to any international family- 
planning agency that counsels abortion 
as an option to pregnancy serves only to 
ensure that illegal back-alley or self-in- 
s are widely practiced in 
the Third World. 

1 spent six months working at a 


sion hospital in K 
the highest fertility rate in the world (the 
average Kenyan woman bears more than 
eight children in her lifetime). While 
there, I dealt with the consequences of 
numerous illicit abortions. Some were of 
the “coat hanger” variety, others were 
used by overdosing on medicine to 
produce a spontaneous abortion 

e faced with a terri- 


ble predicament. Family-planning serv- 
not always available (and will be 
even less so with the new Reagan Admin- 
istration policy); sex education is op- 
posed by the three major churches, 
Catholic, Presbyterian. and Islamic 
(those religious groups feel that sex edu- 
cation encourages promiscuity); families 
unable to provide food and pay 
school fees (school is not free in Kenya) 
for the children they already have; a 
tubal ligation, the most practical option 


for many, costs money and requires the 
written consent of a husband or another 

gnilicamt male family member (and 
male Kenyans consider their ability to 
procreate to be a sign of virility), and 


barrier contraceptives are impractical 
because of the scarcity of water. School- 
girls who become pregnant face certain 
expulsion fiom school and the censure 
and possible physical abuse from older 


plicit comic books, writ- 
ten to inform readers about ALDS, 
have received some harsh words from 
Senator Jesse Helms for “not encour- 

ging] a change in that perverted 
behavior.” He added, “I may throw 


Before Helms gets sick, he should 
talk with Dr. Michael Quadland, a 
professor of psychiatry at Mount 
Sinai School of Medicine. Dr. Quad- 


male family members 

Lam not an advocate of abortion as a 
means of population control. However, 
when population pressures impose exces- 
sive hardships on people who don't have 
access to adequate family-planning tech- 
nology, women will bc forced to resort to 
sperate and sometimes brutal meas- 


Randy Rockney, M.D. 
Cumberland, Rhode Island 


HOW SWEDE IT IS 
Swedish female politicians arc wearing 
h-nct stockings and miniskirts to work 
these days—all in the line of duty. 
As they walk the streets dressed as pros- 
titutes, they warn the men who approach 
them that they can catch AIDS from us 
ing hookers. Apparently, some Swedish 
prostitutes are Г.У, drug users and have 
contracted the AIDS virus via the 
needle. Tourists, beware 
M. Powell 

cago, Ilinois 


UNANSWERED QUESTIONS 
Douglas Ginsburg was forced to with- 
draw his nomination to the Supreme 
Court because he admitted (o having 
smoked marijuana. Asking a candidate 
for the Supreme Court if he has ever tak- 
en drugs and asking a candidate for 
sted office if he has ever committed 
adultery are just the kinds of questions 
we should expect from a society with 
a history that includes the Salem witch 
trials. 

But where do the questions stop? 
Perhaps we should ask all candidates 
tor the Supreme Court and for elected 
ollice if they have ever engaged in oral 
n any of the 19 states that still have 


land recently conducted a study of 
619 gays and bisexuals, in which he 
found that the men who watched erot- 
safe-sex films made significant 
changes in th çual behavior. 
There were no such changes in ıhe 
men who studicd sex guidelines, or 
who listened to someone with AIDS 
cuss his disease, or who read erotic 
stories describing safe sex. 

Quadland acknowledged that some 
people might find the safe-sex films, 

ich show gay lovers engaging in 
mutual masturbation, offensive, but 
“this is a health issue, not a moral 
issue." 
Jesse Helms, listen up. 


heterosexual-sodomy statutes. Perhaps we 
should ask them if they've ever driven 
faster than 35 miles per hour. Have they 
ever hired an illegal alien? What about the 
woman who haby-sits occasionally? Have 
they checked her green card? Have they 
ever paid a handy man or a baby sitter 
cash, without taking out Social Security 
ments or reporting the transaction to 
the IRS? Have they ever rented an X-rated 
video? If we keep serecning our candidates 
so carefully, the only men in. Washington 
will be clones of Jerry Falwell and Jesse 
Helms—or the Hitler youth 

Nathanial Benner 
ston, Illinois 


HEDONIC DAMAGES? 

Given the fact that Playboy has ber 
cused of being guided solely by hedonism, 
1 thought you'd be interested in the fact 
that the Seventh U.S. Circuit Court of Ap- 
peals upheld a $1,600,000 award that i 
cluded $850,000 in hede damages. 1 
nt to the estate of 19-у 
d, who was shot by 


ас- 


sw 
Id She 
policeman 
the policeman and 


Joliet, 


city of Jol 


jury granted them the money as са 
sation for Sherrod's “loss of the pleasure of 
living.” The dollar amount was deter- 


mined by an economist who estimated the 
hedonic value of the young man’s life 


PORN HUSKERS 
Make love, not war" is а chant that 
wasn't heard in Towa last summer. An 
lowa state-fair art exhibit featured two 
works of art that three people found 
offensive. One showed a woman with 

breast visible through a sheer gown (a 
work that had previously won lirst place in 
a Des Moines art show) and another 
showed a woman's nude thighs and pubic 
area. The three people complained and 
the art was removed from the show, One 
al said, “I'm opposed to 
war. Do you suppose if I complain about 
these tanks (displayed at the fair), they 


will get them out of here?” 
P. Tucker 


lowa City, lowa 
JUDGE NOT 
Amid reports that Jim and Tammy 


Bakker might return to host The PTL Club, 
Jerry Rese, president of Chicago's Chris- 
tian television channel 38 said that he 
would drop the show from his daily televi- 
sion schedule if they did return. Rose said 
that the Bakkers were “not in any s spiritual 
condition to lead the PTL mini 


If Elle, а hot wom- 
en's magazine, doesn't 
stop publishing brash 
displays of nudity like 
this, folks up North will 
be hard put lo purchase this magazine. 

Censorship mania has apparently 
moved up the ranks, from store owners’ 
yanking “offensive” magazines to distrib- 
ulors' refusing to supply them, as the fol- 
lowing letter attests. 

“Dear Elle: As a wholesale magazine 
distributor in southern Minnesota, 
Тома and parts of South Dakota, 1 was 
distressed to see a woman nude from 


Naked 
Threats 


the waist up in an 
article on sunscreen 
(Summer Skin,’ 
June). 

“Elle has been a 
real success story for us and all distrib- 
utors. But if you continue to include 
such nudity, we will be forced to re- 
move it from all of our upscale su- 
permarkets. I dont believe there's a 
magazine wholesaler in the country 
who will not be faced with the same 
problem.” 


Judith A. Hecht 
Mankato, Minnesota 


Whatever happened to “Judge not lest ye 
be judged”? 
R. Perry 
Chicago, Illinois 


AND CALL A NUT A NUT 

The follies of Jesse Helms are always 
worthy of reporting, and I knew you'd be 
interested in this Helms quote: “We have 
got to call a spade a spade and a perverted 
human being a perverted human being.” 
Helms was, of course, referring to how 
sexuals. As Archie Bunker used to say. 
Stille yoursell" 


L. Mason 

New York, New York 

For another great Helms quate, see the "Fa- 
rum" box “Safe Cinema.” 


JUST ASK HOW 
Is the “Just say no" approach to alcohol 
as misguided as Prohibition was? I think 
so. Lam a Brown University professor and 
an anthropologist specializing in alcohol 
consumption. Fellow anthropologist A. М. 
Cooper and 1 think that governments 
should teach us how to drink rather than 
not to drink, a position that contradicts ev- 
eryone from Nancy Reagan to the World 
Health Organization 
We came to this conclusion after study- 
ing the drinking habits of people from a 
number of countrics. The Italians arc an 
example of a group of people who are 
taught how to drink and, therefore, have 
very few problems with alcohol. Italian 
parents expose their children to it at an 
early age, discourage them from drin! 


in moderation. Restricting the availab; 

of alcohol by raising the drinking age or by 
enacting other anti-alcohol laws is coun- 
terproductive. 


Dwight Heath 
Providence, Rhode Island 


THE WRITTEN CONNECTION 

From 85 to 90 percent of all divorced fa- 
thers do not receive custody of their chil- 
dren, and many of these men feel more like 
visitors th like fathers. 

The Written Connection is a system 
that helps fathers communicate with their 
children. It evolved out of a divoreed par- 
ent’s necd to find a better way than phone 
calls and occasional visits to strengthen 
the emotional link between father and 
child. 

The Written Connection offers organi- 
zation, monthly projects and ereative-writ- 
ing ideas geared toward kids between 
three and ten. It was developed with the 
help of professionals and has been en- 
dorsed by the National Gongress for Men 
and the National Council for Children's 
Rights. 

Kids love mail, and letters are perma- 
nent reminders of-a father's interest and 
commitment to them. 

Melanie Rahn 
The Written Connection 
P.O. Box 572 
Chandler, Arizona 85224 


N E W S Е К О М T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


TRUTH IN LABELIN 


PORTLAND, OREGON—Overcrowded pri 
ons are having an effect on the kind of 
punishment judges are meting ош to 
offenders. One Oregon judge, knowing 
that child molester Richard Bateman, who 


refused to participate in a rehabilitation 
program, would spend only a brief time in 
Jail due lo lack of space, ordered a short 
sentence and a five-year probation, with 
one stipulalim—Bateman must post a 
sign al his residence and on any car he 
drives: DANGEROUS SEX OFFENDER. NO CHII- 
DREN ALLOWED. 


YES, WE HAVE 
SOME BANANAS 


WASHINGTON. nc —Members of the ba- 
nana industry are thoroughly upset that 
the world's number-one fruit is becoming 
the subject of choice for condom demon- 
strations. The banana, which formerly 
took a bruising because of its potential use 
as a dildo, is once again getting the kind 
of publicity its promoters prefer to avoid. 


COVERT TESTING 


WASHINGTON, D.C—Since November 
1985, women applying for jobs as D.C. 
police officers have secretly been tested for 
pregnancy. The women submitted urine 
samples for drug testing and were not told 
that their sample would also be used to test 
for pregnancy. The tests were halted only 
when a female employee of the testing clin- 
ic complained that the tests were an inva- 
sion of privacy. It is not known if any 
candidate tested positive or was denied a 
position because of a positive test. D.C. 
police are re-examining their policy. 


CRUEL AND UNUSUAL 
INDIGNITIES 

Los ANGELES—T he. sheriff of Orange 
County has been ordered to pay $5050 
to a convicted murderer for subjecting 
the man to indignities that included 
confining him for three months in a cell 
without a bed, allowing him less than 15 
minutes lo eat meals, not allowing him 
tuo hours of outdoor exercise a week and 
confiscating his subscription to Playboy. 
The prisoner contended that he had been 
singled out for harassment and the judge 
apparently agreed. "Knock it off," he told 
the sheriff, “and treat [the prisoner] with 
reasonable decency.” 


YOU BE THE JUDGE 

CITY. АҺАВАМА—А judge has held 
that it’s OK for a school administrator to 
paddle a student but not OK for a parent 
to paddle a school administrator. Parent 
Vicki Elmore hit assistant principal Elsie 
McGowan with a paddle because her 
seven-year-old son had been paddled 
by MeGowan—despite her request that 
McGowan notify her before disciplining 
her child. McGowan. hauled Elmore into 
court and the judge convicted her of first 
degree assault and sentenced her to five 
years in prison. “I was pleased with the 
sentence, because 1 felt that justice had 
been done,” said McGowan. Was this а 
fair sentence? You be the judge. 


SEX=NO-FRILLS 
WEDDING 


musron—Roman Catholic bishop Jo- 
seph Fiorenza has instructed priests in 
his diocese to refuse to give couples tradi- 
tional church weddings if they are cohal- 
iting and to refuse to set wedding dates 
until the couples’ living arrangements are 
known. These who are “living in sin” will 
be allowed only a simple ceremony unless 
they agree to move into separate quarters 
and forgo sex for six months prior to their 
marriage. 


HIGH-TECH ESCAPE 

Los ANGELES—The County Sheriff 
Department is looking for an employee 
who sent ош a computer message тесіп 
Jailers to release an accused cocaine dealer 
being held on $3,000,000 bail. The sus- 
pect bypassed five security check points 
and had been gone six days before he was 
missed. 


SON OF SUSHI 


Loxpos—Some British researchers be- 
lieve that a diet heavy in fish may help 
produce sons. The number of male births 
in Scottish coastal towns is as much as 30 
percent higher than the national average. 
Researchers think that an organic arsenic 
in fish alters the male sex hormone and 
contributes to the higher male birth rate. 


RUMOR DEMONGERING 


WASHINGTON, DC—As an apparent 
good-will gesture, the U.S.S.R. has decid- 
ed lo retrad the rumor it started that the 
U.S. military artificially cultivated the 
AIDS virus for use in biological warfare. 
The AIDS rumor first appeared in the So- 
viet press and then made the rounds of 
Third World countries. Soviet scientists 
have published an article in Izvestia, an 
official government newspaper, denying 
that the rumor has any basis in fact. 


AIDS RECOUNT 

WASHINGTON, pc — The widely quoted 
1986 estimate that 1,500,000 Americans 
are infected with the AIDS virus ix under- 
going a reassessment that will greatly alter 
the picture of the epidemic. White House 
officials admil that the 1986 figure was 
much too high and that new data indicates 
that the spread of AIDS has slowed drasi 
cally. Public Health Service administra- 


tors are acknowledging that the infection 
“is not spreading beyond the existing risk 
groups.” Dr. Otis Bowen, Secretary of 


Health and Human Services, says, 
“There is not'an epidemic among helero- 
sexuals, as some people think.” Estimates 
suggest that the number of those infected 
may be as low as 275,000. 


41 


FEARMONGERING FOR FUN AND PROFIT 


Last fall, Jerry Falwell announced that 
he was resigning as president of the 
Moral Majority and its alter leuerhead, 
the Liberty Federation. He was going 
back to preaching, back to winning souls. 

Чоо bad, we thought, we'll miss open- 
ing our morning mail. Some of Jerry's 
best work occurred in the communiqués 
from the Moral Majority. Falwell is a 
man of letters, and in the periodic ap- 
peals for cash, he raised fund raising to 
the level of art. Consider the following 
excerpts. 

"I HAVE HAD IT WITH THE 
EFFORTS OF CERTAIN PER- 4 
SONS AND ORGANIZA- © 
TIONS WHO WANT US ғ 
ТО АССЕРТ НОМО- 


people are giving because I signed the 
letter. They could care less if the project 
was being administered by whatever 
arms of the Jerry Falwell ministry 


enterprise." And they 
could care less if 
the letters are truc. 
Fal- well's 
letters char- 


mosexual politicians have joined 
together with the liberal, gay-in- 
fluenced media to cover up the facts 
concerning AIDS. 

“You must help me expose them— 
and tell America the truth about this 
deadly epidemic—which may well 
affect. our children and grandchil- 
dren. 

“I know you are a moral, conserva- 
tive person. You believe, as I do, in 
the traditional American family and 
moral ethic that has made this na- 
tion an example to others. 

"You do not practice the per- 


the AIDS epidemic. 


SEXUALITY AS A “men, You, "uals any F8 to “But you must re- 

NORMAL LIFE- "ша their „and alize that none of 

STYLE. us are safe 

"Something : a now. The 

RT CE n d бау AIDS 

А шту, Ги му зон by becoming a Faith Paring ТЕЙ, virus has been 

o Moos EE а spread through- 

"In July of 1983, LU you WILL КЕСЕП” — out every walk of 

I wrote you and thou- Dra life and into every 
sands of Moral Majori- шыш 


ty members about the 
deadly AIDS threat that was 
raging out of control in the 
male homosexual community of 
our nation. 

“We spent untold thousands of dol- 
lars trying to warn our leaders in gov- 
ernment and medicine about the ‘gay 
plague,’ but few people realized the 
danger, or responded.” 

An interesting admission. The money 
collected by Falwell is spent in untold 
thousands, and is unaccounted for by 
any authority other than Falwell and 
friends. A former staffer for Falwell al- 
leged that a 1979 appeal to help boat 
people ra $4,000,000—much more 
than the $100,000 that was pledged to 
and eventually given to a Cambodian re- 
lief fund. Then, in 1987, records showed 
that he had shifted $6,700,000 from po- 
litical contributions to his religious min- 
istries. Falwell said, “I think that most 


cally = point to 
an imme re diate 
threat and - a conspira- 


cy of liber- al, weak anti- 
Christian forces to be 
defeated, and assert that only Jerry Fal- 
well knows the truth. 

“Please, I beg you—DON’T FAIL 
TO HEED THIS WARNING—for if 
we don't take immediate action, AIDS 
rove to be the ‘final epi- 
"—with millions dying each 
year—even your loved ones. .. . 

“The homosexuals and the pro-ho- 


3 community—homosex- 
. ual and heterosexual... . 
3 "THIS MAKES MY 


lomosexuals have expressed 

the attitude that hey know they are 
going to die—and they are going to 
take as many people with them as 
they can.’ 

“And this deadly plague is already 
spreading into the heterosexual com- 
munity, because of bisexuals who are 


carriers—even affecting innocent 
young children. 
"This is sexual TERRORISM— 


and even more deadly than a gun or 
bomb. 

"Across the country the militant 
homosexuals— carriers of this deadly 
disease—have gained civil rights ad- 
vantages which seriously compro- 
mise the health and safety of 
Americans everywhere." 

Do civil rights cause AIDS 


MF or u vn ш 


“You and I are the innocent vic- 
s of this perverted and deadly 
styleCAND WE HAVE NO 
PLACE TO HIDE. 

“Once again—1 MUST ISSUE A 
WARNING—and this time, the warn- 
ing must be heeded, or we will not get 
another chance. 

“Will you help me produce and air 
a prime time television special on the 
threat of AIDS—within the next 10 
days? .. 

“We do not have the money to pro- 
duce and air this costly special—we 
must work together to make it possi- 
ble—to save our families from AIDS. 

“WE ARE LOSING THE BATTLE 
NOW—WE MUST TURN THE 
CORNER BEFORE ITS TOO 
LATE... 

“Please help me with as large a gift 
as possible, but send at least $25 by 
return mail 

Falwell went back to this well repeat- 
edly in 1987, gay bashing for dollars 

“I MUST REPORT TO YOU— 
THE SITUATION IS EVEN MORE 
CRITICAL THAN I THOUGHT! 

“CERTAIN MILITANT HOMO- 
SEXUALS—THE PRIME CAR- 
RIERS OF THIS DEADLY 
DISEASE—ARE FIGHTING BACK 
ON ALL FRONTS TO PROTECT 
THEIR DEVIANT LIFESTYLE! ... 

“I HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT 
THE HOMOSEXUAL POLITICAL 
LOBBY IS QUIETLY TRYING TO 
PUSH THROUGH CONGRESS A 
NEW BILL GIVING HOMOSEXU- 
ALS SPECIAL RIGHTS.... 

“THIS NEW BILL COULD RE- 
SULT IN SPECIAL RIGHTS AND 
PRIVILEGES FOR THEM UN- 
DER PROTECTION OF THE 
US. GOVERNMENT—ALL THE 
WHILE THEY ARE PROMOTING 
THEIR DEVIANT AND DANGER- 
OUS PRACTICES. ... 

"ATTACHED TO THIS URGENT 
DISPATCH IS WHAT I BELIEVE 
TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT 
PETITION I HAVE EVER ASKED 
YOU TO SIGN. 

“PLEASE READ IT,SIGN ANDRE- 
TURN IT TO ME ALONG WITH AN 
EMERGENCY GIFT OF $30, $15, 
OR $10 IMMEDIATELY.” 

When a gay newspaper in Seattle sug- 
gested that gays tie up Falwell’s 800 
number (a tactic inspired not by a gay 


but by a computer hacker whose invalid 
mother had given away most of her 
ings to Falwell), Falwell was quick to ex- 


int homosexuals have at- 


tacked me again—on an unprecedent- 
ed scale. ... 

“Perhaps you can send $100, $50 or 
even $25 or $10. . .. 

“And if you could have your gift 
postmarked within the next 10 days, 
it would be so helpful. We arc facing 
some ominous deadlines.” 

Assuming you had given to one of the 
carlier appeals, you might ask yourself 
where the money went. Was there an 
AIDS special? If there was, we, along 
with the rest of America, missed it. Did 
AIDS halt the end of western civilization 
as we know it? It seems that Jerry had 
moved on to other campaigns: Enter Jer- 
ry Falwell, freedom fighter. 

“And we have just spent literally 
every dollar we had in our campaign 
to alert Americans about the tense sit- 
uation in Central America between 
the freedom fighters and the Commu- 
nists.” 

As though Time, Newsweek, and the 
evening news weren't doing that already. 
The difference between Jerry Falwell and 
Time magazine is that Time asks for mon- 
ey only once a year. 

Here is Central America according to 
God's gift to the Contras 

“It’s time we gu to war to solve the 
problem in Nicaragua. 

“But the kind of war I'm calling for 
will not be waged with guns and bul- 
lets. Instead, it will be waged with the 
weapons of truth. 

* And our young men vill not need 
to die. 

“It’s time that America learned the 
truth—who the ‘good guys’ are and 
who the ‘bad guys’ are in Central 
America... . 

“The Sandinistas have massacred 
entire villages, buried people alive, 
burned homes, stores, crops, and 
churches to the ground. ... 

“Before we know it, Communist 
terrorism will be knocking at our 
back door! 

“J don't want this situation to turn 
into a bloodbath. 1 don't want to see 
the United States forced to invade 
Nicaragua. 

“But I do want to see our country 
aid the Contras, those “good guys’ who 
are fighting for freedom and democ- 
racy. 

“Аай no T have decided to wage a 
war. Not a war with guns and bullets 
and tanks and planes—but a war of 
information... 

“But to wage this war, it will take 
thousands of dollars— money we do 
not have. 

“This has been a long and difficult 


summer for Moral Majority, and sev- 
eral unexpected emergencies have 
stretched our resources to the limit. 

"That's why I need your help. 

“I hope you will be able.to send a 
gift today of $25, $50, or $100, or 
even more to help me wage this 
war on Communism in Central Amer- 
ica... 

“Because if we do not help them 
fight now—soon it will be the United 
States that is involved in this battle. 

“I'm sure you agree that it would be 
far safer to help the Contras now than 
to wait until we are forced to shed 
American blood on foreign soil in our 
fight to halt Communism. . . . 

“That’s why I hope you'll send a 
generous gift today of $25, $50, $100, 
or more to help Moral Majority get 
the truth out before it’s too late.” 

Falwell wanted the money to fund a 
prime-time television address to the na- 
tion. When the lran/Contra hearings 
pre-empted his initiative, he exploited 
the situation 

“Most red-blooded Americans are 
fighting mad over the way Congress 
has treated Colonel North! 

“J am tired of what is happening in 
this country today. 

“I am tired of these senseless Con- 
gressional hearings and the probings 
of the Independent Counsel. Every- 
time I think of the amount of our tax 
dollars spent on these ridi 
hearings my blood starts to boi 

Falwell's blood may be thicker than 
water, but it has a substantially lower 
boiling point. Of course, he rails against. 
those weak Congressmen. 

“Lam tired of a spineless Congress 
led by liberal Speaker Jim Wright and 
Senator Robert Byrd criticizing ev- 
erything right in this country. If the 
Congress had voted to support the 
Freedom Fighters in Nicaragua, this 
dilemma would never have oc- 
curred. 

Precisely. And because they didn't, 
and because Colonel North and the Pres- 
ident chose to disregard our democratic 
process, we found ourselves with a crisis 
that Falwell dispensed as a mere dilem- 
та, Falwell's solution: 


“1 say its time to stop these ridicu- 
lous hearings! 

“I say its time to get this country 
moving forward again! 

“Will you join me in this cam- 
paign? Will you help me to wake up 
Congress? Will you write your mes- 
sage to Congress? 
“And will you enclose a generous 


43 


contribution . . . of $30, $20 or even 
$15 today to ‘Wake Up Congress’ and 
get America moving again.” 

Why write to your Congressman in care 
of Jerry Falwell? You could send your ler 
ter to Congress via the U.S, Postal Service 
for 22 cents, Falwell, on the other hand, 
would forward your letter for $15 to $30. 
This is called the privatization of democ- 
racy. You can pay Falwell to carry out 
your right to write. What a deal. 

In another letter, Falwell asked the peo- 
ple on his mailing list to participate in 


a five-que 1987 Moral Majority 
National I Poll. 

"I am plain tired of liberal, biased 
organizations like CBS, NBC, ABC, 


The Washington Post, etc. who claim 
their ‘random surveys’ (to a few hun- 
dred people) tell the pulse of the Amer- 
ican people on an important issue. 

“Let me ask you this—Have they ev- 
er called you and asked your opinion 
in_one of their ‘random surveys’? (I 
don’t know many ‘average’ Americans 
who have been called.)” 

Of course, in addition to participating in 
his poll, you could also send money 
to help Falwell in his campaign against 
liberals 


“And the liberals—supported and 
heavily financed by such groups a: 
Norman Lear's People for the Ame 
can Way, the American Atheist Society, 
militant homosexuals, the National 
Organization for Women, the National 
Education Association, the American 
Civil Liberties Union, Planned Parent- 
hood, and the Communist Party—fully 
intend to elect a liberal president in 
1988! 

“They don’t mean to just have their 
‘own way’ in the affairs of this nation— 
I believe that they actually want to 
silence you and me. 

“As an American—I will not be si- 
lenced.” 

Falwell says that he is giving up the 
Moral Majority to go back to saving souls. 
Those of you who, like us, will miss his 
c of truth, need only 
tune into the Old Time Gospel Hour and 
become a Faith Partner. Then you'll get 
on his ministry mailing list—and the 
rhetoric is just the same. Note this letter 
from Falwell telling his flock why he's go- 
ing to concentrate on his ministry 

‘Never before in my 31 years of min- 
istry have I seen such a concentrated 


prose style and defe 


effort by Satan to damage the cause of 
Christ. 

“Norman Lear's People for the 
American Way is making efforts to re- 
move certain Christian programs from 
television stations across America. . .. 

“Satan is having a ‘field day!’ The en- 
emies of Christ are laughing up their 
sleeves at everything that represents 
Jesus Christ... . 

“We are in the middle of a raging 
storm! ... 

“We must be alert and careful. We 
must be on our guard against Satan. 
And we must work harder than 
ever before to try and bring people to 
the only person in whom there is NO 
disappointment—Jesus Christ! 

“Will you help me by becoming 
a Faith Partner? For just $15 a month 
(or $180 a year), you can help me stay 
on the airwaves preaching the gospel to 
a lost and dying world. ... 

“As a Faith Partner of the Old Time 
Gospel Hour ministry, I will send you 
two gold-plated Jesus First lapel pins 
for you to wear as testimony that Jesus 
is the Lord of your life.” 

At least they aren't plastic 

Jerry. keep those letters coming 


EZ 


"If a couple does the 'S' word without using а "С? word they could contract the deadly "A' word 
. . There, I hope that clears ор any confusion there might be in your filthy little minds." 


THE INJURY 


Members of the senior class of Orem 
High School in Alpine, Utah, asked 
their sociology teacher, Pamela Leet- 
ham, for AIDS education. Letham 
was smart enough to solicit the parents’ 
approval, which they gave enthusia: 
cally, before she asked Dr. Patricia 
Reagan, one of Utah’s foremost AIDS 
experts, to instruct her students. 

Easy enough so far—until Leetham 
was informed that the school district's 
policy on AIDS states that teachers or 
lecturers “must not discuss the sex act 


or the prevention of pregnancy by ar- 
tificial means, whether in discu 
human reproduction or transmission 
and prevention of AIDS or any social 
disease” and must not use the word 
condom in any context. 

At that, Dr. Reagan replied, “I'm a 
health educator; I'm not sure I can talk 
about AIDS without mex 
doms. And I cci 
AIDS without discussing the sex act.” 

The lecture was canceled. 


THE INSULT 


Leetham’s attempts at sex education 
were thwarted on another front. An 
Alpine school-district administrator or- 
dered her to remove a Planned Parent- 
hood poster from her classroom. 
"There's just something about the 
graphicness of the poster,” he said. 
appears distasteful and demeani 
making a boy look pregnant," 

Lectham, her students and their 
parents are clearly fighting an uphill 
battle. 


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ramones. BILLY CRYSTAL 


a candid conversation with fernando, sammy jr., dopey, buddy and ali 
about the real-life adventures of a stand-up comic turned movie star 


If you could poll some of the characters in 
Billy Crystal's repertoire for a joint assess 
ment of their creator, the response might be 
something like this: “Tonight, friends, some- 
one absolutely mahvelous and unbe- 
bierewuble—and we mean that —Mr. I Hate 
When That Happens, Mr. Forget About It, 
Mr. Don't Get Me Started: Billy Crystal! 
Can you dig it?" 

We dig him, tov- 
though these days, with his movie career ex- 
ploding, introductions of Crystal can no 
longer be limited lo Las Vegas—style wind: 
ups. His recent success in films such as “Run- 
ning Scared,” “The Princess Bride” and 
“Throw Momma from the Train” proves 
there's a lot more to the 39-year-old. actor! 
comedian than a rubbery face and an uncanny 
knack for mimicry. 

Of course, Crystal has had plenty of time lo 
tune his ear. He broke into comedy at the age 
of five, in his parents’ living room, doing 
shtick for relatives, Showbiz ran in his blood, 
or at least trickled there. Crystal's mother used 
to perform in shows at the local synagogue 
апа one year did the voice of Minnie Mouse 
Jor a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. His 
uncle Milt ran the Commodore and Decca 
record labels and introduced “Rock Around 
the Clock" lo the world; his dad managed the 
Commodore music store and produced jazz 


and we mean that—even 


Today, we've got the yellers. We've got the 
comics wha hold up puppets and strangle 
them on stage. Others pull balloons out of 
their pants. Very few people being themselves. 
It's like Berlin in the Thirties. It's Dada art. 


concerts m Manhattan. With such connec- 
Lions. Ws no surprise that one of Crystal's ear- 
ly fans (and baby sitters) was Billie Holiday: 
She called him “Mister Billy.” But like many 
New York kids of the Fifties, Crystal spent 
much of his wonder years watching the tube 
(Ernie Kovacs, Sid Caesar, Jonathan Win- 
ters and, later, Bill Cosby). following the 
Yankees and nurturing dreams of playing 
professional baseball. 

Crystal did become a hot shortstop in high 
school but decided he was too short for the big 
leagues (he's 577) and went to college in- 
stead. While he was there, he met his future 
wife, Janice, and worried about the draft, un- 
til his lottery number came up 354—high 
enough for an exemption. Immediately, he 
called twa friends and formed an improvisa- 
tional comedy troupe named 3's Company. It 
proved a successful East Coast act—but not 
so financially rewarding that Crystal didn't 
have to support his wife and new baby on 
extra income from substitute teaching. 

But the group's managers wanted Billy to 
try his act alone; Billy agreed. Som, 3% 
Company was defunct. By 1973, he was 
working New York's Catch a Rising Star as a 
solo act when the creators of a new comedy 
show set to air late Saturday nights on NBC 
approached him to join the cast on a semireg- 
ular basis, Despite weeks of rehearsal, an ar- 


71 remember packing my stuff, walking out 
and Gilda running after me. I was crying. 1 
went home. Then I watched ‘Live from New 
York, its “Saturday Niglu!"" And I went, 
“That's it. E fucking blew it” 


gument erupted opening might over the 
duration and placement of Crystal's bit and 
resulted in has being cut from the first broad- 
cast of “Saturday Night Live.” The emotional 
repercussions of watching the careers of such 
y. N.L." comedians as John Belushi, Chevy 
‘hase and Dan Aykroyd skyrocket, after hav. 

ing just missed that same showcase, plagued 
Crystal for years. 

Desolate, he joined Howard Cosell on his 
"Saturday Night Live”—a prime-time vari 
ely show that proved a resounding flop. As a 
stand-up comic, he was also opening concerts 
for Susan Anton, Neil Sedaka, Melissa 
Manchester and Billy Joel; during the day, he 
led a Mr. Mom life on Long Island, caring 
for his daughter while Janice worked. In 
1976, Crystal moved the family to Los Ange- 
les (he had been promised an ABC contract 
that didn't work out) and appeared as Rob 
Reiner’s best friend in one episode of “Allin 
the Family." In 1977, he took the role as the 
gay son, Jodie, ou the wacky soap-opera send- 
up “Soap.” His movie debut was as the first 
pregnant man in Joan Rivers’ unsuccessful 

Rabbit Test.” In 1982, he debuted “The 
Billy Crystal Comedy Hour” on NBC and in- 
troduced his infamous Fernando's Hideaway. 
But the “Comedy Hour” was canceled after 
five shows. He appeared as a mime caterer in 
pal Reiners “This Is Spinal Tap,” and in 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY KERRY MORRIS 
“One day, I took a clicker counter with me to 
see how many people would say You look 
mahvelous’ to me. I got up lo about 170. Ted 
Kennedy said it to me. Then Kissinger. You 
know, I'm sick to death of it now." 


47 


PLAYBOY 


several HBO comedy specials, and put in 
some memorable turns on both “The Tonight 
Show" and “Late Night with David Letter- 
man.” Crystal was emerging as a rare and 
versatile humorist who could field an impres- 
sive array of characters, remain topical and, 
in the tradition of the great comic actors, oc- 
casionally bring a lump to the throats of his 
audiences. 

Then, ten years afler being dumped from 
“Saturday Night Live,” Crystal got his 
chance to “stop saying ‘What if' " and was in- 
wilted lo join the show's cast, now under a new 
producer. That season, Crystal dominated the 
show with characters such as the fatuous Fer- 
nando, Ricky the Vietnam vet, Willie the 
masochist and a startlingly real portrayal of 
Rooster Willoughby, an ancient black 
ballplayer. His impressions of Sammy Davis 
, talk-show host Joe Franklin, Prince and 
other blacks and Jews drew wild acclaim. But 
when Lorne Michaels, “S.N.L.’s” original 
producer, returned for the 1 Ith season, Billy 
and the rest of the cast didn't. So Crystal 
made “Running Scared," cul down his tour 
ing commitments and hasn't looked back. 

We asked Contributing Editor David Rensin 
to catch up with Crystal just before he began 
work on his next film project, “Memories of 
Me,” which he co-wrote, We wanted to find 
out from the man who knows that it is better 
“to look good than to feel good” how he has 
handled the change-over from TV comedian 
to full-time movie star, from one career high 
to another. Says Rensin: 

“When I rang Billy's doorbell, he greeted 
mo wearing blue jeans, a sweat shirt and the 
beard from "Running Scared." 1 asked to use 
the bathroom. Billys eyes widened. ‘Oh, 
please. Yes. Use the bathroom,’ he said almost 
too graciously. He pointed toward a door in 
the foyer. ‘I's right there.” 

“His eagerness to please should have alert- 
ed me. The door handle seemed oddiy fa- 
miliar. Closing il, I suddenly heard a 
slatic-vowed pilot radio for take-off instruc- 
tions. A porthole to my right showed a sky full 
of clouds. A red sign flashed: RETURN TO DEN 
RETURN TO DEN. A warning on the toilet seat 
advised against putting puppies or Playmate 
centerfolds into the head. Other signs were in 
an unfamiliar language. 

“Billy was waiting with a satisfied grin. Tt. 
cost about $1000, plus the labor to install,” 
he said. Its from an Arab airliner. Every 
thing's in Arabic and English. My designer 
located the junk parts somewhere in the Mo- 
jave Desert. I even used the same carpeting.” 
In fact, he rejected only the idea of including 
hydraulic lifts beneath the toilet for genuine 
airborne effects. He apparently wasn't willing 
to put up with the inevitable near misses. 
uch inspired flights of imagination have 
been Billy's ticket into America's funny bone. 
He is renowned for his visual humor and 
spontaneity. For example, he never hesitated 
to make a point by using a character voice, 
and suddenly I'd be in the room with Sammy 
Davis Jr. or Dopey the dwarf. Yet it was also 
clear that while he is enduringly fond of his 
characters, Billy has preity much left the old 
faces behind for new ones—including, sig 


nificantly, his own. He doesn't just want to be 
remembered for acting like someone else. 

“Billy best epitomizes what is meant by the 
Yiddish word mensch. We were immediately 
comfortable together. He is compassionate 
and kind—and his showbiz stories are great. 
He is the perfect bridge between the Catskills 
and the Comedy Store. 

“One thing surprised me. During our ses- 
stons, he'd stray from the comic vein and bare 
an underside not covered in his press clip- 
pings. Revealed was the residue of ancient 
injuries and years of feeling screwed by cir- 
cumstance, fate and his own optimism. Of 
course, one major sticking point was his hav- 
ing been dumped from the original ‘Saturday 
Night Live’: another was further in the past 

“However, thal first morning on his sun- 
drenched front patio —after the bathroom 
episode broke the ice—Billy scemed in fine 
form, He was confident and energetic and 
radiated a good tan. 

“Just as we got started, the tape slipped 
through the deck-chair cushions. I searched 
for a secure perch, with no luck. After Pd 
fumbled around for a bit, Billy decided to 
help and offered to hold the machine.” 


PLAYBOY: You want to hold the 


recorde 


tape 


“It’s a bad drug, 
Jealousy. Eats people up. 
Jealousy is the crack 


of comics.” 


CRYSTAL: It's OK. 
PLAYBOY: Arc you sure? You won't be able 
to move around. 

CRYSTAL Am I sure? Look, a Jewish 
Playboy interviewer and a Jewish’ inter- 
viewee! “Are you sure you want to hold 
this? You sure you want to talk today?” 
“No, Em finc. Pil sit. ГЇЇ be in the shade. 
Tvl be good." “Are you sure you want to 
talk about something that personal?” “No, 
it’s fine.” “You want to cat someth 


“No, no. Pim here to interview. . . . 
PLAYBOY: Let's settle this once and for all 
Do Jews make the best comics 
CRYSTAL: There's a great deal of laughter 
and joy in that heritage. And let's face it 
our holidays are not the best. There's a 
whole day set aside to say just how miser- 
able you are. It's "Shut the light off and 
don't eat today. You did terrible things, 
but next year, you'll be better.” Hanuk- 
kah is also great—because it's eight days 
long. And you don't have to go to school 
on Rosh Hashana and Yom 
which, in the Fifties, m 
time. ГА want to watch, because the 
kees were always in it Wha 
yeah. Girls thought we were gre: 
lly? 

e. Date 
every show-business magazine: You sec 


Yan- 
else? Oh, 
t catches, 


Jewish guy. Look in 


ful actress with a Dr. Abra- 
ham Phlegm. Like Mary Tyler Moore's 
husband. Who could be WASPier and 
prettier than she? And Victoria Principal 
married Dr. Harry Glassman. Sec, sooner 
or later, they come around to our wav ol 
thinking—that it’s not so bad to boil all 
the flavor out of the meat 
PLAYBOY: Who are your 
Jews? 

CRYSTAL: Mel Brooks is the top two— 
though Spaceballs made me a little de- 
pressed. Rob Reiner and 1 were tall 
about this. We know that, one on one, 
there's no one funnier than Mel. So to do a 
Star Wars take-off ten years later? | know 
he'll be mad that I said this, but I felt bad. 
He's right at the top, and it hurts to not see 
him stretching. Even if he fails. But I love 
the guy. He was responsible for my want- 
ing to be a comediai 

PLAYBOY: Were you a funny kid? 

CRYSTAL: I've always been very comfortable 
on stage. In elementary school plays, Га 
1 while 
some bewildered little kid with a flower 
face was saying [high voice], “Who is he? I 
thought the ginger man was supposed to 
come out now.” At home, 1 used to per- 
form for my relatives in the living room 
When they came to visit, Pd put on their 
hats and coats and imitate them. I still im- 
itate them. Pd stand on the coffee table 
and do my impressions. If they liked the 
act, they gave me dimes and I put them on 
my forehead. The show was over when my 
forehead was full. [Tries sticking a few 
dimes to forehead, fails] Nah. California 
1с too dry. In New York, there's humidi- 
ty. They stick. [Wets a few dimes; they stick] 
Sec? Thank you very much. If they stay 
there, E think ГИ do the rest of the inter- 
view like this. If Fm funny, maybe PIL 
make some more money. 

PLAYBOY: We'll sec. Lers back up. These 
days, stand-up comedy has become big 
business—if comics aren't on TV, they're. 
n the clubs: if they're not in die clubs, 
they're on cable. Not long ago, someone 
aid that once there were 200 comedians 
nd only six were funny, and that 
here are 2000 of them and, still, 
fun 
: That's accurate. Look, I think it's 
great that there are more comedians, be- 
cause it says we recognize how important 
it is to laugh, that we nerd these people. 
But these days, a lot of people are saving 


some beau! 


three funniest 


go off book and start improvi 


wa- 


nothing. 

PLAYBOY: For example? 

CRYSTAL: Weve got the yellers. They 
scream. We've got the comics who hold up 
puppets and strangle them on stage. Oth- 


ers pull balloons out of their pants. Very 
few people being themselves. Irs like 
n in the Thirties. It's Dada an 
Rec 


ly. 1 worked 


ley 


Cha 
ball 


Putz. Schmuck 
Schmuck. He made a gigantic 
glove and wore it on stage. Then he threw 
ef balls covered with 


o, 


thèse enormous 


Velero into the audience. Then he had the 
audience throw the balls back and he'd 
run across the stage and catch them in his 
big glove. It was kind of silly and goony. I 
remember wondering what makes a per- 
son go out as a baseball glove instead of 
wanting to talk about things. It’s a funny 
idea, but maybe that's what the critics 
mean. Everyone comes on stage as some- 
one else, some character, not himself. I 


do a character, but 1 come on as me, 
nd throughout the show Im talking foi 
myself. These days, audiences leave the 
performance with nothing. But they had a 
good time while they were there. 
PLAYBOY: Why don't they demand more? 
CRYSTAL: Because this is the generation that 
grew up on Star Wars and thinks RoboCop 
is the greatest movie ever. We have a 
three-minute mentality—sometimes less 
than that. Because of the fucking cable 
box, our attention span is horrible, We sit 
there lil inkies. It's a pretty shitty world 
where we've got a discase that's gonna kill 
who knows how many millions of people. 
All we're hearing about is death, death, 
death. Shooting on the freeways. [Smiles] 
You know, it’s a two-shot minimum now to 
get onto the San Diego freeway. 
PLAYBOY: Cute. So in light of what you've 
just said—that there are a million funny- 
men running around, most of whom are 
really saying nothing—where does that 
leave you? 
CRYSTAL: I've been a stand-up comic for a 
long time, and a good onc. But a stand-up 
is different things w different peuple. To 
me, it’s a man or a woman who goes out in 
front of people emotionally naked and 
talks about real things. Its not the guy 
who says, “Hey, my wife . . . she put my 
thing in the toaster.” That stuff is boring 
to me, And I cringe when I see it, though 
there are guys who do it very well. I'm not 
putting that down. This is just my taste 
Its the difference between a comic and 
a comedian. A comedian says things that 
arer n. And a comic comes out 
and pulls down his pants and says, “Look, 
I got a rubber duck here!" That's why I 
love Lily Tomlin, Richard Pryor and Al- 
bert Brooks. Their stuff is about some- 
thing. When 1 start feeling like Pm a 
comic is when 1 stop doing it. 
PLAYBOY: What about od 
who've made the jump from clubs to 
movies? Steve Martin, for instance. 
CRYSTAL: Here's a guy who, at the height of 
his comic carcer, just boldly quit doing 
stand-up. Just went oll and did a strange 
movie like Pennies from Heaven, with nota 
lot of laughs, and he taught himself how to 
tap-dance. ГЇЇ go with him right to the 
wall if he's trying something different. 
Who thought a guy with an arrow through 
his head could do the quality and the intel- 
ligence of the work he did in Roxanne? 
Even if he’s goonier in the next film, it will 
be teve’s terms. 
PLAYBOY: Robin Williams, 
you've worked, is another example. How 
do you rate him 


comedians. 


with whom 


CRYSTAL: Explosive. Picasso. [Pauses] 1 
wish I were closer to him. We talk, we kid, 
but I don't really know him, For some rea- 
son, I'd like us to be really friendly. He's 
opinionated, has great self-focus, knows 
who he is—not unlike Burns or Benny. 
And lately he's been getting reckless— 
which makes his show more dangerous. 
Which is great. 

PLAYBOY: Is it tough keeping up 
on stage? 

CRYSTAL: His mind is, like, “Get outa the 
way. Get him outa the way!" Even though 
he wants you to be there. It’s like being in 
the ring with Sugar Ray Leonard at his 
peak. He's got you in the corner and he's 
bop-a-da, bop-a-da, bop-a-da, Sometimes 
you don’t know whether he's working with 
you or against you. 

PLAYBOY: Do you get jealous of other comics? 
CRYSTAL: 1 was jealous of Freddie Prinze, 
because he made it big so suddenly. But I 
understand why. There's a difference be- 
tween a star and a superstar—a look in 
the сус. A little something that’s off, and 
Freddie had that. When he went on stage, 
it was boom! 105 very similar to what's 
happened to Eddie Murphy. Both are 
products of television. Freddie could hear, 
could imitate anything. Not a lot of guts 
and soul but a talent that was extraordi- 
narily electric. I remember feeling jealous 
years ago when things weren't so good for 
me. That was hard. And I still go through 
bouts. Jealousy is a terrible emotion, be- 
cause you create your own. It’s very, very 
destiuctive. It's a bad drug, jealousy. Eats 
people up. Jealousy is the crack of comics. 
PLAYBOY: You mentioned Eddie Murphy. 
Does he impress vou? 

CRYSTAL: I don't think he's a good comedian. 
PLAYBOY: Seriously 
CRYSTAL: | think he's a wonderful actor and 
a line sketch player and characterizer, but 
1, who love comedians, have a tough time 


ith Robin 


sitting there hearing, orton, let me 
shove my dick in your ass.” I mean, come 
on. I don't even think it’s funny. Rob 


Reiner and I saw him perform in Los An- 
geles. It was weird. Some guy yelled out 
“Buckwheat!” The audience was restless, 
because they loved not only Eddie, of 
course, but his characters. Eddie didn't 
1 to do any of them. So he yelled back, 
uck my cock!” The audience laughed. 
So Eddie turned to the audience and said, 
“That's all I say to hecklers. Suck my 
cock.” At which point Rob turned to me 
and said, “Oh, a contributor!” I think it's 
gonna be exciting to see what Eddie will 
be like as he gets older, and what roles he 
chooses to play. We'll see how truly ver- 
satile he can be. 

PLAYBOY: You sound skeptical. 

CRYSTAL: When he came back and hosted 
Saturday Night Live during my season, it 
was an uncomfortable week—one of the 
two times I got really mad that year. He 
walks to the beat of his own drum section. 
He would come very late to rehearsals or 


But we weren't young schmucks there. 
Chris Guest, me, Marty Short and the rest 
of the cast were treated . . . not great. No- 
body was really happy about his attitude. 
PLAYBOY: We'll get back to your experi- 
ences with Saturday Night Live, but lets 
finish this. How about Pee-wee Herman? 
CRYSTAL: He used to annoy me. Now I 
think he’s neat. He's found a place for 
himself, and you've got to admire his chil- 
dren's show. He devoted his energy to it— 
instead of Pee-wee's Next Movie. 
PLAYBOY: Gallagher? 
CRYSTAL: You're setting me up. [Laughs] 1 
give him a lot of credit, because he’s very 
productive, but crawling on the floor 
vegetable juice—what is that? Albert 
Brooks called me once and said, “Billy, 1 
want to form a thing called The Friends of 
Comedy. We'll get you, Rob [Reiner], peo- 
ple we respect. Well be the new Friars 
Club. All we need is a building.” Then he 
said, “I already know what the agenda of 
the first meeting will be.” I said [ patient- 
ly], “What, Albert?” He said, “We decide 
who gets to kill Gallagher.” 
PLAYBOY: Stand-up comedy is a ficld that's 
pretty much dominated by men. How are 
the women faring? 
CRYSTAL: Comedy is perceived as a man’s 
place, just as it would be weird to see a 
woman play major-league baseball. It's 
tougher for a woman to be accepted as a 
stand-up by audiences 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
CRYSTAL: [Construction-worker voice] Be- 
cause they don't have a big penis! They 
can’t grab their dicks on stage. They can't 
talk about fucking their wives and how 
their wives don't wanna fuck them. They 
can’t talk about their balls ог how they 
farted last night. Can't talk about the 
great piece of ass they saw. Can't talk 
about beavers and bearded clams. . . . 
[Pauses] Hey, that was funny, wasn’t it? 
PLAYBOY: Here’s a couple of dimes. 
CRYSTAL: Thanks. [Pauses, seriously] But 
women comics have to be classy. Other- 
wise, they don’t have a chance. 
PLAYBOY: A chance for what? Must they 
talk about sex organs? 
CRYSTAL: I'd like to see a woman stand-up 
do that. But I don’t know if the audience 
would accept her talking about those 
things. A man says, “So, I'm fucking this 
chick and her legs keep flying up over her 
head. I said, ‘Schmuck! Take off your 
panty hose" " Right? Thats what a guy 
would do. Is a woman stand-up gonna say, 
“So, the guy's fucking me . . .”? Wouldn't 
you be uncomfortable in the audience? 
[Pauses] I don't know. Maybe it's already 
happened and I've just missed it. 
PLAYBOY: Which women comics impress 
you? 
CRYSTAL: Roseanne Barr, because she's got 
an honest character and an edge. She’ 
throwback to W. С. Fields, an annoying 
character, a whiny thing, but funny. She's 
clever. Another, Margaret Smith, does a 
female Steven Wright sort of thing. 

But when women come out playing 


49 


Marlboro 


LIGHTS 


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PLAYBOY 


instruments or doing their version of the 
screamer, I get nervous. 

PLAYBOY: Being a screamer hasn't hurt 
Sam Kinison much, has it? 

CRYSTAL: No, because Kinison has some- 
thing to say, both outrageous and funny, 
within the yelling. It’s not a gimmick. He 
screams his lungs out because that's what 
he really believes. He's saying that some- 
thing is wrong. 

PLAYBOY: With what? 

CRYSTAL: Well, for example, when he tells 
an audience that he's id off at the 
Ethiopians—|yells like Kinison] "Why 


don't you move to where the food is?”— 
he’s touching that one little chord in those 
selfish people who won't give anything or 
are skeptical and almost 
volved. You know them 
comes around 


UNIC. 


raid to get in- 
When the ki 
on Halloween with the 
can, they go, “Oh, here's a 
I'm not giving vou a nickel. 
Get outa here.” The way Sam touches on 
those things is great. / couldn't get away 
with it. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

CRYSTAL: Coming from me, it would seem 
like a sarcastic cheap shot. Coming from 
him, it seems OK. I think of that stuff, I 
just don't say it. Г have one of the grossest 
minds around. | can do very bizarre 
things. It’s just not what I choose to give 
an audience. 

PLAYBOY: Give us a peck at your morc 
bizarre side, 

CRYSTAL When Chris Guest and I did 
those “I hate it when that happens” skits 
as Willy and Frankie on Saturday Night 
Live, we were talking about meat ther- 
mometers in your car and putting your 
tongue in a sell-threading movie projector. 
Vivid images of self-mutilation. 

PLAYBOY: What about something we 
haven't seen on Saturday Nigh Live? 
CRYSTAL: Well, when I hosted The Tonight 
Show recently, I got into trouble for saving 
that I was getting tired of watching the 
news and every night secing a map of Re: 
gan's colon. I said, “Now they're sellin 
them on Sunset Boulevard next to the 
stars’ homes. You know, they sent the 
same camera up there that they used to ex- 
plore the Titanic, because both are 75- 
year-old wrecks. Anyway, they shove th 
thing up his ass, and who’s in there? Ger- 
aldo Rivera announcing “the mystery ol 
Reagan's colon" " I could see the veins on 
[Tonight Show producer] Fred DeCor- 
dova's neck standing out. Of course, 
Fred's lived in Reagan's colon. He took a 
condo there. 

Anyway, the show got upset about it 
Must have been a call from the White 
where, by the way, they've got 
their new Reagan computer: no memory, 
no colon. 

PLAYBOY: When you guest host The Tonight 
Show, truc that there are certain items 
on Johnny Carson's desk that you're not 
supposed to touch? 

CRYSTAL: They let me. 1 opened the ciga- 
rette case to do a little Sammy Davis Jr. 


with Paul Shaffer. They let me run the foot 
panel. But I wasn't allowed to change the 
backdrop. There were also a couple of bits 
I wanted to do that they said no to. I want- 
ed a black Cabbage Patch doll with hair 
that stood straight up to give to Don King. 
It would have been a funny sight gag. 
PLAYBOY: You said Mel Brooks was your 
number-one—no, your number-one and 
-two— comedian. Didn't you also become 
close to the family of Brooks’s old partner, 
Carl Reiner? 
CRYSTAL: Yeah. Ten years ago, Penny Mar- 
shall invited me to Rob Reiners 30th 
birthday party at his father, Carl's, house. 
I freaked. We'd just moved to Los Angeles. 
Rob and 1 were just becoming 
then. Га never met Carl, but Pd worn out 
his and Mel Brooks’s record The 2000 Year 
Old Man. At the house, I open the front 
door and a goat comes running out of the 
kitchen. The goat's scared to death—pel- 
lets are flying out of his ass. He's like this 
slot machine that’s always paying off— 
ba-bi-da, ba-bi-da—dropping his little 
bombs. Rob is hysterical, saying, “Look 
what | got for my birthday!” This is my in- 
troduction to Carl Reiner's house. But 
Carl's not there. And I'm stiff as a board. I 
am like a starched shirt. It’s horrible. 
can't relax. To my wife, Janice, I'm saying, 
“Where 
me?” Ten minutes later, the doorbell rings 
and here’s this guy with his arms filled 
with Chincse-food cartons, wearing ripped 
jeans and a stupid hat. Carl, He was a reg- 
ular guy. He'd brought everyone kazoos 
and toys. It was so refreshing. 
PLAYBOY: Rob has since become your best 
friend. What was the moment that 
clinched it for you? 
CRYSTAL: One day, while sitting right here, 
he was feeling miscrable and I was feeling 
miserable. And we talked to each other for 
three hours about our symptoms and how 
our depressions manifested themselves. 
We went on and on and on. He said his 
headaches felt like rubber bands across the 
forchead, that he'd get them for hours and 
weeks at a time. And I said, “Did you ever 
get the one where your car hurt?” Aud it 
was like two neurotics' trusting cach other. 
When I get real uptight, I have the most 
amazing headache, which I can only de- 
scribe as the Buddy Rich Band tuning up 
in my skull. And when Rob sees that look 
оп my face, he says, “Buddy Rich?” Once, 
I was sitting in traffic in Chicago with 
reg Hines. It was rush hour. We were 
cold and miserable. When we finally dis- 


covered what was blocking traffic, it was 
the Buddy Rich Band bus! Can you be- 
lieve iı? I ran to the hotel and called Rob 
immediately. 

PLAYBOY: By the way, what did Carl think 
of you? 

CRYSTAL: We got along fine. But an amazing 
thing happened at the party. Albert 


Brooks had bought Rob some books. One 
was Stunts and Games, And Albert said. 
“Let me read you some of these things.’ 
At lirst he read some real ones. Then he 


s he? What's he gonna think of 


started making them up and reading them 
as if they were in the book. “This one’s 
called National Football League. Get 30 of 
your friends together, have them donate 
$5,000,000 each to buy black people who 
can run and hit.” Or “Kennedy Assassi- 
nation. Pretend you see smoke coming on- 
ly from the ‘Texas Book Depository, 
ignoring the man with the rifle in the wee 
standing next to you.” I'd probably never 
seen anyone funnier in my whole In 
fact, it was so funny that he had to leave 
immediately afterward. It was like a per 
formance. I felt sad that Albert couldn't be 
a person; he had to leave. 

PLAYBOY: Are your peers often funnier in 
private? 

CRYSTAL: Yeah. We had a funny night a 
couple of months ago at a party at Teri 
Garr's. It was Steve Martin and me 
Marty [Short], our wi 
anc Keaton. It was guys-vs. 
Pursuit. Steve was acting like a chauv 
game player. [As Martin] “Come on, girls. 
can't shake the dice? Whats the matter? 
Your (ifs in the way?” And then, when 
they would confer about a question, he'd 
go, "Isn't that just like cats talki 
like when a guy is naturally funny. without 
the make-up and the tie ket 
The times I attended P.T.A. meetings 
where Mel Brooks’s son and my daughter 
Jennifer went to school were ridiculous. 
People magazine would have loved то cover 
the meetings. 1 had to keep pinching my- 
self to believe 1 was really there. 

PLAYBOY: Do you do shtick, too? 

CRYSTAL: No. I get tight. I lie on the ropes. 
I play rope-a-dope. ГЇЇ throw a hard one 
only when I see the opening. I'm getting 
better about it now 

PLAYBOY: Where and when does the comic 
muse strike? 

CRYSTAL: Sometimes I carry on when Tm 
alone in the car and do a lot of writing 


there. People pass me on the street, won- 
dering, Who's he tal 


nowhere I started singing Penny Lane 
raspy won That became Penny 
Lane, a transvestite piano-bar character. 
[Gravelly, sexy voice] “Hi, welcome to the 
Flaming Parrot ... Pm Penny Lane.” 1 
did a whole scene, flew back to New York 
that night, went into the office the next day 
and wrote it up for Saturday Night Live. 
PLAYBOY: Do you get any great ideas in the 
make-up chair? 

CRYSTAL: Tons. Dillerent stages of make-up 
change one's whole face. М 
the Sammy make-up off o 
thing was gone except the big nose. I had a 
stocking cap on. Suddenly, I was Lou 
Goldman, weatherman. 1 did him on Sat 
urday Night Live [Low's crusty, aging Jewish 
voice]: “The weather for T day is 
"Don't be a big shot take a jacket" " 
When I took off th racle Max make-up— 
for my character in The Princess Bride- 
became totally bald. Then I was Dopey, 
the dwarf, at 90, at an NYU Film School 
class, being interviewed. [High-pitched, 


e night. Every- 


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PLAYBOY 


sweet and shy aneient-dwarf voice] “The ov 
ly problem I ever had at Walts was I 
wanted a thumb very badly, because 1 had 
trouble picking up spoons and dimes. And 
Walt said, "Get out.” I was a big star. | was 
getting more fan mail than any of the other 
dwarls. So I called my agent and said, 
‘Try. E don't trust this guy, I want a ne 
erase clause.’ Dopey is my favorite char- 
acter of all time 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever wear any of the 
make-up home—just for fan? 
CRYSTAL: When I was making Running 
Seared, | wore a scar home, with horrible 
results. Now 1 just take home my mental 
sears. Another Г was on the road 
playing the m.c. in Cabaret. 1 wore his 
Kewpie-doll make-up home and my kids 
freaked out. [Pauses] Did you know that 
[silent-screen star] Pola Negri fucked 
Hitler and Ci plin, and Rudolph 
Valentino? Did you know that? 
PLAYBOY: Uh, no. 
мал thar amazing? Imagine this 
when World War 
nd there's this guy in th 
that she fucked behind a bookstore 
And all she can say is [old wom- 
anís voice) “Jesus Christ! Honey, remem- 
ber that guy | told vou about? Look! 
Hitler! He's running the war! Lookit! The 
m thing! T fucked him о Its gotta 
be weird. 
PLAYBOY: How does your wife react when 
you do this—slip in and out of characters 
tion? 
laughs. And then she goes, 
Hello in there? Can I talk to you, please? 
Is Billy in there? Nice to see you, Buddy 
hut Billy and I have to balance the 
Or shell just stare at me, 
like, "Schmuck? It's me. What are you do- 
g this for? 
PLAYBOY: Lets talk about your most fr- 
mous character, Fernando. Once and 
forever: Was he or was he not based on the 
late Mr. Lamas? 
CRYSTAL: [Il tell you a funny story. I met 
Scan Penn in a New York restaurant. He 
was on the phone: I was going to the bath- 
room. But when he saw me, he hung up 
d said, “You know when the song [Yon 
Look Mahzelous] came out and you men- 
tioned Madonna?" And I thought, Oh, Je- 


home 


Youn 


sus, don't hit me. But he said, “T loved 
Then he told me, “I lost $1000 on you, 
man.” And I said, “What do you mean?" 
Apparendy, a friend of his had said I was 
ly doing Fernando Lamas. But Scan 
ando Lamas, 
The point 
ting the actor. He 
cter was notan imita- 
tion, My Fernando is а distorted сагі 
ture, I said, “You're both right. The id 
for Fen 
not him." He 
back. 
PLAYBOY: But von got trouble from Lamas" 
widow, F 


id he'd get half his money 


stupid. | met her at 
after I took oll Fe 


nando make-up and she couldn't have 
been nicer, She said that she loved the was 
1 did the character, thought it was terrific 
"Then I met her son, Lorenzo Lamas, who 
aid his dad loved boxing—so 1 should 
talk about boxing. Esther even wanted me 
to do a movie with her that she owned th 
«из to, The Mirror Cracked. Bottom line 
She loved what Га done. Next time 1 
heard about any of this was when | opened 
up People and saw the story. 
PLAYBOY: She objected to the © 
and the unrclentir 
of Fernando, who was. 


quency 
constancy” of your 
after all, based 


on her husband— 
CRYSTAL: Her dead husband. It was a little 
heavy-handed. If Esther had called me 


and said, “I'm uncomfortable with this.” I 
would have made some adjustments. I 
ando frequently 

it more than I 
gle 
& my track and 


wasn't even doing Fer 
Eve 


yhody else was d 
fact, when my 
disc jockeys were tak 


putting their own words to i 
wasn't getting played as much as ones by 
king (hey were funny. I did not 


o the character 
PLAYBOY: Didn't Femando's popularity 
start to get in the way of your carcer? 
CRYSTAL: One day. I took a clicker counter 
with me—just an off-the-cull idea—to see 
how many people would say "You look 
mabvelous” to me. | got up to about 170. 
1t got ridiculous. The far-reaching effects 
first hit me when T › © 
me. Whoopi Goldberg. Robin and 1 had 
lunch with hint to talk about Con Relief 
1 walked in, he said [imitates Kennedy], 
“You look mar-ver-lous.” Then Henry 
Kissinger said it at the Statue of Liberty 
He said [imitates Kissinger], “Here's my 
son. He wants to be a comedian, He loves 
you and you are marvelous." Then 
there's Janive’s grandmother Pauline. 1 
think she's 86. She still says it. You know, 
Um sick to death of it now 

PLAYBOY: Obviously, it stopped being fun. 
CRYSTAL: III tell you about one time 1 
heard it that was funny: Um in the 
combs—the ones outside Rome— 
y led by a guide 
torch, A small group of people. 


е sto- 


ries below ground, bei 
with 
Right before you leave, they have one spot 
where there are bones behind glass. A 
skeleton is all laid out. The guide says, 
“Who knows where they're from. 

from the darkness, some guy says, 
Brooklyn accent, “They don't look so ma 
velous, do they, Billy? 


enormous appeal? 
CRYSTAL: All of the "Hideaways" were im- 
provised; | think people knew I was wing- 
ing it. Doing him was dangerous, and 
people sensed that. It was T don't 
miss him anymore, though 

PLAYBOY: Why, then, the album, the video, 
the Pepsi commercial and the book t 
ted Absolutely Mahvelous? You certainly 
shed 
CRYSTAL: You've got to. I didn’t want to 
call the book that, but the publisher in- 


isted. I wanted Don't Get Me Started, the 
same as my HBO special. I would have 
been happy with The Color Crystal, lacocca 
H or Elvis, Priscilla and Me. 1 fought them. 
T almost pulled out of the project because 
| the title. I said, “Enough, enough! 
PLAYBOY: It was Saturday Night Live that 
brought Fernando into most living 
Although your expe th that show 
were for the most part—excuse us—mah 
velous, they let you get away without s 
ing you up for a second season, Why? 
CRYSTAL: A couple of reasons, Dick Eber- 
sol, our producer, quit. Martin Short had 
declined to return. Chris Guest, too. Har- 
y Shearer had been fired. I could have 
done another season if we'd gone after peo- 
ple like Andrea Martin and Eugene Levy: 
and if they'd. don . Marty and Chris 
would also have done a few shows. We 
were talking about a rotating company. 1 
was ripe for it, | loved being in New York 
In fact, when I was in Los Angeles, testi 
for Running Scared, the negotiations for 
Lome Michaels [the original producer of 
Saturday Night Live] to return to Saturday 
Night Live had broken down and 1 got a 
call from [NBC's head of programing] 
Brandon Tartikoff saying, “How would 
you feel about becoming permanent host 
of Saturday Night Live? We'll call it Satur 
day Night Live with Billy Crystal” 
PLAYBOY: Didn't that prospect excite you? 
CRYSTAL: I would have done it. I immedi 
ately started thinking about stalling and 
material, But, but, bu this was on 
Tuesday in April I tested for Running 
Scared on Thursday, So I told Brandon, 
"If. you're serious, we have to talk right 
away, because the movie will start shoot- 
ing in September and 1 know I hax 
“The test is just a formality.” The next day, 
NBC called back and said that Saturday 
Night Live with Billy Crystal wasn't exactly 
what they meant. Then I found out that 


Michaels was returning and had 
nounced that he didn't want anybody 
back from the r bef He wanted 


sink or swim with his ow 
ter how good Marty 
had been. 
PLAYBOY: Were there some person 
lems between you and Michaels? 
CRYSTAL: I hadn't spoken to him in years 
Га seen him at a party and he came over 
and said hi, but I said, “Lorne, ГА love to 
talk to you for six minutes, but 1 can't.” It 
was a joke 
PLAYBOY: Based 
CRYSTAL: The fact that Pd been scheduled 
10 do the very first Saturday Night Live and 
was bumped—Lorne had me in the last 
spot and wanted me to cut a six-minute 
"tine down to two minutes, which I 
couldn't do. 
PLAYBOY: That was a tough m 
wasnt it? 
CRYSTAL: It hui 
The people 


people. no ma 
nd I, in particular, 


al prol 


ment, 


It bothered me for years 
n the show were doing thi 
id of work Pd dreamed of doing. After 
that, I watched the original performers go 
on to fame and fortune. Then 1 watched 


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Robin Williams happen huge. All these 
iends of mine—on and on. М 
I'm on Soap, thin a 
half page scene this week. There was four 
years of that. It was sul 
though people said, “You're getting a lot of 
money. You should be happy. You're оп a 
hit show.” But for a long time, I had, not a 
chip on my shoulder, but 1 was ойу 
low did you get involved in Sat 
ht Live's debut season? 
: Lorne had met me at the Catch a 
ng Star comedy club in New York. I'd 
been doing stand-up on my own for about 
a year. He told me about the show and I 
almost didn't believe him, because my im- 
age of a producer was, of course, a guy 
with gray hair and a cigar and a satin jack 
et with tour dates on the back. But he 
struck me as—I hate this word—hip. And 
confident. I also knew who John Belushi 
was, because of [the stage show] National 
Lampoon's Lemmings, and I'd heard Chevy 
Chase's and Gilda Radner's names. 
ventually, Chevy came to see me, 
along with the head writer and the dire 
tor. Pretty soon, 1 felt like a big part of this 
project. We talked about my making six 
appearances the first season and being the 
rst noncelebrity guest host. [t was a 
enormous break. My first daughter was a 
year old; Pd just broken off with my come- 
dy group: I'd been substitute teaching 
PLAYBOY: Were you considered as a lull- 
time Not Ready for Prime Time Player? 
CRYSTAL: I'd had а meeting with Lorne 
told him I thought maybe 1 should be one 
of them, because I could write and do 
characters, too. But he said, “You're better 
doing what you're doing. No one will 
ye from this group 
PLAYBOY: He di quite get that righ 
CRYSTAL: Yeah. I think he probably had his 
group set and didn't want to put anyone 
else in it. 1t was a producer's way of saying 
no. In fact, he made it sound like my not 
being involved in the chaos would be bet- 
ter for me; I'd have my freedom. Sc 
months of all this, he blocked out the show 
and put me on at five to one am —last in 
the rundown, first to be cut. I told him I 
couldn't do the piece he'd requested in two 
minutes, that he should throw out some- 
thing that hadn't worked in rehearsal 
When I came in the next day, my manager 
and agent were fighting with Lorne. 1 
offered to trim the piece to five minutes. I 
was waiting in the hallway when my man- 
out and said, “Thats it. We're 


How did you feel then? 

CRYSTAL: Lost. Totally lost. Pd had almost 
no say in the final decision. I remember 
packing my stuff, walking out and Gi 
running alter me. I was crying. I couldn't 
believe it. Richard Belzer was doing the 

arm-up; was walking out. | went home 
and called everyone. It was horrible 
“What did you do? What did you say? Did 
you get fired?” That kind of stuff. Then I 
watched from New York And I 


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PLAYROY 


went, “That's it. I fucking blew it 
As rough as that first show was, E could 
tell it was going to take shape and work 
After that, even when | got good react 
from something else like Soap. I was look 
ing over my shoulder at Saturday Night 
Live and going, “Shit!” I was very bitter 
and sad. I was out of sorts with myself for 
more than 1 when 
cialized with the cast members, Ud hear 
about it, My firing was all Belushi talked 
about cight years later. 
PLAYBOY: If you had dor 
Night Live, how do you thin 
would have changed? 
CRYSTAL: 1 d ike to indulge 
but OK: Th 
do another show. It de 


ver I so 


decade 


e the first Saturday 
your Ше 


"t go quite as 


the first, but it’s good. Four weeks 
Wow 


, Vm back and they 
We didn't know you cc 
Igo, “Yeah, it's what I started with.” Five 
weeks later, they fire Chevy. [Smiles] They 
hire me. Ten years later. ^m in the Betty 
Ford Center 

PLAYBOY: But the truth is, you did go back 
alter ten y 

CRYSTAL: АП E really wanted to do was 
show people what | could do. Г been 
hearing “Is he the guy from Soap?" for ten 
years. 1 was apprehensive, maybe a little 
desperate, certainly driven to testing my- 
lessly so. I knew there was a lot 


saying. 
ld do charact 


id that if, for whatever reason. 
I didn’t happen from this show, the 
would no excuse alterward. 
PLAYBOY: And if the exposure eventually 


lcd to movie deals, all the bett ши? 
CRYSTAL: 1 would not have gone back if I 
hadn't thought it might lead to that. I 
needed a place to do my thing. My first 
two HBO shows were huge hits, but they 
were only once every three years and for 
just a few million people. For all its 
faulis—with all that’s been said. about 
Saturday Night Liv 
still the pl be sce 
PLAYBOY: Obviously, it worked. 
CRYSTAL: [Laughs] Yeah, well, you should 
see the offers I The first thing that 
came in alter Running Scared was Cops R 
Us. Even the title was terrible. The num- 
ber of bad scripts is frightening. I get bud- 
dy movies, gimm „а black 
ghost in a white ma 
But films are wh: 


first decade—it was 


I want to do. E just 
know that Гус come а long way and 1 
don’t want to fuck it up. 

PLAYBOY: You haven't toured а 
for more than a year. Why? 
CRYSTAL: I didn't feel that Î У 
thing new. So Em waitin; 
tion to be diferent. Um into someth 
else that makes me happier. Ris 
really want to be seen as great in Throw 
Momma from the Train. n I want to di- 
rt my own film. [Smiles] Of c now 
that lm doing something else; Pm having 
pangs abi efi 
PLAYBOY: Why don't yo 
CRYSTAL: I could go to the I 


a stand-up 


prov tonight 


and hit on or ¢ and feel, Hey, Гуе got 
it again! But going through the news] 
pers or my life to think of funny things is 
not a top priority now. I don't feel the 
pressure of “My God! Гус got to get out 
there on stage or they're going to forget 
me." That's a big step for me. I don't want 
to use the word workaholic, but most of 
my career has felt like Гус be 
this Ironman triathlon. Гуе made a lot of 
adjustments and Um now thought of as a 
creative person who can do lots of things 
Vm no longer thought of as “the fag from 
Soap." And in the past three years, I" 
proved t myself. So this is the lo 
stepped back: and. c 
also feels like 
пу phases. 
PLAYBOY: So something can replace the fecl- 
ng you get from stand-up. 
CRYSTAL: Yeah. There”: éclair that they 
make Victor Banish on Third Street 
thats close, 
PLAYBOY: Scriously—il yo 
the stage, what would your show be li 
CRYSTAL: Something more theatrical: a 
show similar to Lily 7 f 
The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the 
Universe. 1 wouldn't have to worry about 
ш booze and smoke in the audience. 
and the people would listen to what 1 
wanted to talk about 
PLAYBOY: Which is? 
CRYSTAL: Once, Lenny Bruce did nothing 
i ions. Or "Make me a malted. 
alti." Thad was in his 
But people forget. H you he; 
у albums, you ask, “What's the big 
Then you notice the adjustments in 


nci- 
Һе most success- 


went back on 


ke? 


deal? 


his material. how he began talking about 
the Ke 


necd 


on stage. T 
right now. 
nside me 


medy as 
¡har kind of ch 
something going 
ilar—and that 

come out on sta 


tion 
nee 


The 
oceans are polluted with disease. 1 like 
sushi—so Um a dead man in five years. 
We're killing ourselves, and it frightens 
me. | Pauses; laughs] What I must sound 

‘This is turning into the Oscar Le 


ry a lot. 
CRYSTAL: Funny. [Hands the inte 
dime, sings] “Is just the Jew in my 
soul 7 [Pauses] I don't know what it is. 
think that that feeling 1 had for ten 
vears— from the time I got bumped fre 
Saturday Night Live until 1 finally went 
back on—staved with me. Maybe it's 
residue from Rabbit Test, the movie bomb I 
Irs all of that bad tumo 


viewer a 


was first 


that T just want to get out of my sys 
Vim trying te drop that burden. Гус de 


good deal of that by not touring this year 
PLAYBOY: Your social concerns go back to 
Comic Relief "86 —your benefit for the 
homeless. Intended as a one-shot deal, it's 
now an annual event, isn't it? 
CRYSTAL: Um more involved in Comic Ri 
lief than 1 ever thought Td be involved 
besides my family. But E really 
I really get off on going to 
g that homeless people 
are better off than when I visited them the 


first time. 
PLAYBOY: The show also gave vou the 
chance 10 perform with your comedy for 


hers. W 


that a dream e 
CRYSTAL: Yeah. No egos, cox 
s. At the first Comic Re 
the wings and watched Sid Caesar do 
mime piece. 1 was like a kid on his first 


me tru 
licts or jeal- 
f. 1 sat in 


ou 


so nervous. | wanted to run up to 
him and say all these schmucky, gushy fan 
things. When I did, he said. “I think 

re wonderful.” AIL 1 could respond 


with was “Y e the greatest” My book 


is dedicated to him. 
PLAYBOY: And now you're in the 
stream while they fade away. Does d 


make you uncomfortable? 

CRYSTAL: A friend of mine since sixth gradi 
Dr. David Sherman, put it best. He said. 
You're the people who are going to make 
augh in the next 30 years.” OR. Lets 
Lers get it on. It’s time, What makes 
me uncomfortable is that Fm ter 
that day when /'Il 
Dele pants. 1 


hed of 


e to wear the 


gine myself as diis tiule 
man chewing on a cigar, reading the Molly- 
wood Reporter. Ws scary to think that 
someday, I may have to guest on Love Boat 
because there's nothing else out there. 
PLAYBOY: Have you һай confrontations 
with cantankerous old-timers who are un- 
willing to step ? 

CRYSTAL: Yeah. Buddy Hackett. We 
a plane. Buddy'd had a couple of d 
guess. He said that 1 should c 
spend a couple of days at his house to I 
about the busi Richard Pryc 
ц, 
You'll come and study with me. . . 
PLAYBOY: How does Sammy Davis Ji 
about your rendition of him? 
CRYSTAL: I was at his house once, after sec- 
ing him and Sinatra perform, and he told 
me he didn't like it, that | was doing the 
old Sammy Davis Jr. And in the next 
breath —and it was really sweet Sammy 
gave me a huge ring and a meda [A 
Sammy] “So, when you do it, have some- 
thing of mine.” 

PLAYBOY: Getting back то your movie ca- 
reer, you mentioned your movie bomb. 
Rabbit Test —which was about a man who 
got pregnant. What was your impression 
of your director, Joan Rivers? 

CRYSTAL: She was living in this 
Bel-Air m A butler, 
English. It didn't 
home. We talked, m 
ng out of a guy 
didn't fit in with 


met 


did 
he told me. “They all come to study. 


feel 


redible 


nsion 


de jokes about a baby 
ass. Somehow, it just 
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59 


PLAYBOY 


more wine, sir?" But she was funny, 
charming, though at the time there was a 
different Joan in ther 

PLAYBOY: In what way? 

CRYSTAL: Not as caustic, Not as physically 


put together. Not as flamboyant, styled. I 
haven't spoken with Joan in cight or 
years. She's mad at me, because People 


quoted me as having said something like, 
“I like the movie, but mistakes were 
made." I think she took offense that I 


would rap the movie in any way in public. 
I don't even remember saying that. Of 
course, I don't remember her mentioning 
the movie in her Playboy Interview, either. 

PLAYBOY: What did you think of her now- 
failed talk show? 

CRYSTAL: I saw only little bits and pieces. I 
can't take her as a steady diet. Why pur 
somebody on the spot and go, “Who are 
you sleeping with? Was it good? Tell me 
ur first sexual . . ."? It's catty and yatty 
d yerch. And she applauds like a seal! 
"Throw her a herri nd put a ball on her 
nose and let's call it a day! 

PLAYBOY: Was the failure of Rabbit Test on 
your mind when vou did Running Scared? 
CRYSTAL: [t was a bit like getting beaned 
and having to get back into the batter's 
box. I was nervous. I thought. Oh, shit. 
What if this one goes belly up? Will I have 
ruined all the work that I've been busting 
my ass for the past nine years? Wi 
momentum be killed? It certain: 
have affected me ci onally. But from the 
moment Gregory Hines was cast opposite 
me and we got to know cach other, I knew 
that things would be OK. 

PLAYBOY: Your chemistry with Hines was 
evident on screen. What was your best off- 
screen п 
CRYSTAL: OK. It's six лм, We're in an ele- 
vator in Chicago alter an excruciating 
night of shooting stunts, and Gregory says, 
t danced in five months." We're 
ng for the |2th floor of this building. 
He's wearing sneakers and starts tap- 
dancing on the wood floor of the elevator, 
dancing to the Muzak, Someone gets on at 
the fifth floor. He's 501 dancing. Someone 
gets on at the cighth floor, same thing. We 
get lo the 12th floor, the doors open up 
and he finishes with a зоор da-da diiii-up, 
doop-doop! Then, “You wanna get some 
breakfast?" 

PLAYBOY: In your n m, Throw Momma 
from the Train, you share the bill with 
Danny DeVito. He also directed. Is it easy 
ng orders from a guy shorter than you? 
CRYSTAL: [Laughs] It made me feel like a 
power lorward. Look, I’m a short guy, too. 
Danny is a multitalented man whom peo- 
ple are really gonna find out more about. 
In many ways, Danny's career is just be- 
ginning. | feel that way about myself Still, 
with all his credits, the first thing people 
say is “Boy, he's a short guy 

PLAYBOY: We were just having a little fun 


A little Tun. You'd have a lot 
Ih Gene Hackman. 


PLAYBOY: With good scripts tough to come 
by. how about your own ideas for movies? 
CRYSTAL: I've written a script that draws 
heavily on my past. In fact, it's about the 
rs of my life, after my father 
died of a heart attack when I was 15. It's 
called Here Comes Mr. Sleep. It opens with 
a scene exactly as it really happened—a 
funeral. There's a leathery-skinned black 
clarinetist playing a wailing blues. The 
camera is tight on him, then pulls around 

sitting 


two wors 


yea 


to a man in a coffin, then to a 
next to his mother and his heavy-set aunt, 
who says, “He's only sleeping.” The kid 
says, “Good. I'm gonna wake him up. 
Let's get the fuck out of here!” 

What's terrible is that, in real life, my 
dad and I had an argument the night be- 
fore he died. So I never had the chance to 
say “I'm sorry.” Suddenly, God throws 
me a bogga-bogga! 

PLAYBOY: Was it a struggle to w 
something that personal? 
CRYSTAL: For a while, every time I tried, it 
was too painful. I worry sometimes about 
ercating from pain, about being self-indul- 
gent. But I realized I had to go through 
with it to get it out of my fucking system. 
PLAYBOY: Did your father’s death make you 
think about your own mortality? 

CRYSTAL: I think about it constantly. Every 
time there's a litle flutter in my heart, to 
this day, I'm afraid. When I tuck my two 
girls in at night or when I go on the read, 
it’s hard for me to say good night to them, 
because I never know. And that's terrible. 
"That I don't like. But it also made me live 
better for each moment, because one can't 
live afraid. 1 went through those periods. 1 
mean, it sounds like a Hallmark card, but 
we're here for such a short time and I get 
mad at myself sometimes for working so 
my dad—and not living more. 
Isn't one of your characters a 
homage to your father? 

CRYSTAL: Face. The old black jazz musician 
an you dig it? I knew that vou 


tc about 


PLAYBOY: What relationship did your father 
have to black mu: "s 

CRYSTAL: My dad managed the Com- 
modore Record store at 42nd and Lexing- 
ton. On Fridays and Saturdays, he held 
these great, great jazz concerts called The 
Sessions in a building on Second Avenue, 
next to the Fillmore. His love for those 
men and their music had a very bi 
influence on me. My house smelled from 
bourbon and cigarettes a lot. And those 
guys—their attitude; their hipness; the 
way they dressed; the way they never wore 
thing real tight. It was cool. You know? 
And today, 1 feel Um at my best when 
there's a jazz to what lm saying. 

PLAYBOY: Afier you her died, who did 
you tum to for advice on such things as, 
say, girls? Your older brothers? 

CRYSTAL No. They were away. I pretty much 
turned to your magazine. [Laughs] 1 wasn't 
g much in those days. Your 


Playmates and I were a real item every 
month. 

PLAYBOY: You also liked sports. Didn't you 
want to play pro baseball at one time? 
CRYSTAL: Yeah. I may be small, but I could 
play. When I was a kid, our back yard was 
almost a replica of Yankee Stadium—a 
short right field, deep left center—and my 
older brother Joel invented a game with a 
shuttlecock from a badminton set and a 
lile bat. It was like stickball. We even 
had seasons. We had an old-timers” day 
where we walked like old people for three 
innings. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever get to mect any of 
your Yankee heroes? 

CRYSTAL: Yeah. The first time I went to 
Yankee Stadium, we went into the club- 
house before the game and I met Casey 
Stengel. I was cight years old. I said to 
, “Casey, who's pitching?” He said, 
“You are, kid! Suit up!" Someone took my 
program and came out with Mickey 
Mantle's signature on it. Гуе kept it all 
these years, never knowing whether 
Mande had really signed it or not. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever find out? 

CRYSTAL: Twenty years later, I was on the 
Dinah Shore Show with Mickey Mantle as 
a guest and I took along the program. I 
said, “Mickey, did you sign this 20 years 
ago?” He said, “I sure did. I don't sign 


like that anymore, but that is mine, 
definitely." I asked him to sign it agai 
and he di 


PLAYBOY: And then you wound up domg 
the preshow with him for the 1985 All-Star 
Game. Didn’t he say something to you on 
that occasion that made you cry? 
CRYSTAL: Yeah. It was overwhelming. In 
the show, we're on the field in Coopers- 
town, where they supposedly invented 
baseball, and I'm saying my good nights. 
And Mande comes into the background 
and says, “Will you stop talking and play 
some catch?” Throws me a glove and then 
the ball. 1 catch it. He says, “Nice catch, 
kid." Suddenly, I was this blond kid in the 
weeds in the middle of Iowa, you know? 
The Natural in slow motion. I looked at 
the camera and said, “I love when that 
appens.” 

PLAYBOY: Are there any sports figures you 
don't care for? 

CRYSTAL: Reggic Jackson. I was working a 
boy Club one New Year's Eve and 
and ] were sitting alone in an up- 
stairs room, waiting to get paid. We'd just 
smoked a joint. Reggie, who was playing 
for Oakland at the time, walked in. He was 
wearing a black cowboy hat. I said, “Hap- 
py New Year, Reggie.” He said, “Fuck 
you." I was depressed for months. 
PLAYBOY: Have you seen him since? 
CRYSTAL: A couple of times. I never bring it 
up. He might say the same thing. [Pauses] 
Look, I respect him as a ballplayer, but 1 
also saw him tell two autograph-seeking 
kids in Milwaukee to go fuck themselves. 
PLAYBOY: You had a memorable evening 
with Muhammad Ali, didn't you? 


y 


Alive with pleasure! 


© Lorilard, Inc.. USA., 1987 


== 


12 == 
و == 
29 
=== 
>== 


Kings: 8 mg. “tar”, 0.7 mg. nicotine 
av. per cigarette, FTC Report February 1985. 


61 


PLAYBOY 


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To enter, look tor Hennessy 
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CRYSTAL: Yeah, at the Los Angeles Forum 
when he retired in 1980, He was in the au- 
dience, of course. There were 20,000 peo- 
ple. And I closed the show, though I was 
by far the least of the names. 1 took an imi- 
tation of Ali I had been doing and made it 
into a nine-minute piece called Fifteen 
Rounds, where I played АН throu 15 
diflerent stages of his life—punctuated by 
boxing-ring bells. 

PLAYBOY: What was 11 lil 
CRYSTAL: The young Ali was wide-eyed 
bushy-tailed, handsome and ready for the 
world. [Young Ali voice] “Um the greatest 
thing of all time! Sonny Liston's a big 
bear. Floyd Patterson's a washerwoman 
Um predicting the rounds. Em colorful.” 
The next Ali was lower-voiced but still 
strong. It’s 1957. [Ali voice] "T will not 
step forward: I will nat cross the line. I'm 
a Muslim. I will not fight in this war. I 
ain't got no quarrel against the Viet Cong. 
I'm ready to die. 

And that's [pounds his fists together] why 
I love that guy. What he did gets lost in 
the symbols of the war, the protests. We 
tend to think of only the era’s music. But 
the most famous man in the world said, 
don't believe in this war.” To me, that wa 
huge. Here was the heavyweight champion 
saving no, no, no. And Lyndon Johnsc 
and Richard Nixon were saying yes, yes, 
yes. [Ali again] “1 will not 
you're going to shoot me, shoot me. 

Then Ali gets older and he comes back 
alter a broken jaw, and 1 do him with his 
jaws clenched. [Clenched-jaws АШ “I'm 
coming back. It's never too late to start all 
over again.” And although his jaws were 
wired shut, he still sounded so pretty. Still 
had that luster. When he loses to Leon 
Spinks, I play him as a very old, beaten 
man. A tired man. But then the spark 
mes back and he starts ranting and ra 


c v- 


ng. and you see the hints of the younger 
guy we met in the bes 
stirring. [Old Ali] “Nobody's ever come 
back. I want to be champ for the third 
time. Nobody's ever done that before; but 
then again, no one’s ever done anything 
like me, And you can be whatever you 
want to be, no matter what you is in lif 
no matter what color, no matter what reli- 
gion; even if things is bad, it's never too 
late to start all over again. Listen to me, 
‘cause I ат the greatest of all time!” 
PLAYBOY: How did Ali react? 

CRYSTAL: Ali is sta 


comin; 


ng, and it's very 


g there with tears 
out of his eyes. Its probably i 
greatest moment Ell ever know on stage. 
Im lost. Um out there. The voice is 
nowhere—it’s not even close to АН. Im 
just sereaming—1 love this guy—I'm 
screaming to 20,000 people and they stand 
up before Um done. 

Afterward, 1 went backstage. Richard 
Pryor and Chevy Chase met me there 
Both were erying. Th k into 
room and Ali was there. All these peo- 
around him. And he just parted every- 


nT went 


thi: 


body, like the Red Se: 
and he just lifted me up by my elbows, like 
you do to a little kid. He held me so tight 
to him and said, “Little brother, you made 
my life better than it was.” 

It was like—whoof! When does that 
happen, ever? I don't know many other 
comedians who will have that mome 
you know? I know Um sounding cocky. 
But it’s important stufi. It makes up for 
that left-out feeling I've talked about. It's 
better than telling any joke I know [ve 
touched ix min 


and he came over 


iore than any s 


ome 
utes in a stand-up spot could. 
PLAYBOY: So can we safely s: 
ing better about yourself these days? 
CRYSTAL: Pim OK. I like me. ОК, 
some things I could rewrite. Seriously, 
they say you live two lives—the lile you 
h and the life you live thereafter 
Until 1 was 35, it was all dress rehearsal 
PLAYBOY: Do you still think there's a sword 
ош there hanging over vou, threaten 
ruin everything again? 

CRYSTAL [Laughs] Arc you kidding me? It's 
always th The sword comes with the 
territory. It's one of the horr 
. It's worse for Jews, because 


m 


you're feel 


there are 


learn w 


sof being in 


the busi 


we think its gonna cut our penis again. 
Its that "Lets have another bis for your 
carcer. Cut off the last picture." 
PLAYBOY: Maybe you'd better explain what 
abris is 
CRYSTAL: A circumcision rit 
er excuse for Jewish fami 
that’s the first thi 
was cight days old 
and 1 was screaming in agony, I know I 
heard my Uncle Max say [ethnic accent], 
"Let's eal.” 
PLAYBOY: Any thoughts about how you'll 
be remembered? 
had a dream about this. Con 
Chung is doing a newscast about my death 
nd they show a clip from Soap. Suddenly 
the lid comes off my casket and my cadaver 
tion —walks 


u 


ber. When I 
ey cut my penis 


runs down to the television s 


imc—and 


right onto the set during air 
says, "Didn't you ever see my other charac- 
ters? The old black ballplayer? Ricky, the 
Vietnam ver? Buddy Young, Jr.?" But then 
1 see the headline, “THE YOU LOOK 
SIAHYELOUS MAN IS DEAD." [Fernando accent] 
“Remember, it's better to look good than 
to feel good.” [Wild-eved] God. What a 
horror. My obituary is probably already 
written that way I know it! 

Turn off the tape. 105 over: Why go on? 
PLAYBOY: Because we want you to take a 
stab at summing up Billy Crystal 
CRYSTAL: Yeah, but I don’t want 10 sound 
like a schmuck. [Pauses] How about just 
“Dopey—with the Buddy Rich Band hap- 
pening in his head.” 

PLAYBOY: You can hand back the tape 
recorder now. 

CRYSTAL: [Touches his forehead) OR. but 
Vm keeping the dimes. 


E 


Hen | 
The worlds most civilized spirit Sy 


da 
me rd 


GETTING REAL, 


Say goodbye to the greed breed. 


Yuppie glut has bubbled over and left a postparty depression. 


As the following pages demonstrate, getting ahead now 


simply means getting it right. 


ESTO CHANG 


or The day the Yuppies died, a 
joke began to ci 


rculate amid the rubble of 


Wall Street. ft checkily pointed out the 
difference between pigeons and voung stock- 
brokers: A 
pigeon could 
still make a de- 
post on a 
This was come- 


BMW. 


of new fiscal reali 

deed, some considered 
the market crash just 
deserts—sans — cappuc- 
cino or something choco- 
late and flourless. It was 
the end of a soulless, sel 
involved cra that ca 
ized robber barons (Ivan 
Boesky) and clown po- 
tentates (Donald Trump), 
iarists (Joe Biden) 
and Kennedy imperson- 
ators (Gary Hart). It was 
a remorseless time driven 
by strident status seckers; 
call it the So Sue Me 
Decade. 

Yuppies never got respect—not суе 
other Yuppies, all of whom were loath to hear them- 
selves so labeled. The packaging was odious fiom the 
start: running shoes padding along bencath pinstripes, 
cellular phones twitching inside Porsche 911s, fusilli 
spooled to the beat of Vivaldi. Yuppies were smug, 
post-tecnage poscurs, unashamedly pretentious, ci 
pletely unaware of how geeky they looked in their 
Walkman headsets. They drooled over the mergers and 


take-overs that ruined small business and cvis 
the American dream as we knew i 
quality and time and quality time, confused living well 
with living fast. But, damn, could they sniff out good 
Thai food! 

The shitake hit the fan 
last October 19—not 
Black, but certainly Gray 
Monday. Yuppies arc 
now Puppies (poor urban 
professionals, natch) 
and, thus, lives are bei 
re-evaluated. Priorities 
have taken an honest 
turn. The obit for 
Reaganomics spells the 
end of ultimate plastic, 
those twin Killers—dcbt 
and deficit. Easy money 
has given way to labor, 
conscienee and simpler 
rewards. Quality is job 
one, Even mashed pota- 
tocs arc beginning to look 
good again. Indeed, not 
all is lost—just gross 
habits and brand names. 
To help make your way in 
a confusing time, we offer 
the accompanying chart, 
a sure sign that as the text of one era ends, the style of 
another begins. 

Then, on the ensuing pages, we pre 
ened instr n of two gifted think 
gist John D. Spooner imparts eut-to-the 
for getting on. Historian Arthur M. Schlesinge 
feisty special interview, forecasts the end of smug con- 
servatism and the resurrection of idealism lor the next 
generation, Enjoy and take heart. 


t the enlight- 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE CALVER 


LIFE AFTER YUPPIES 


heed the commandments, 
a trendproof guide to the new simplicity 


YUP POST-YUP 


Perrier .. 
Home as showcase 


(o Coke classic 
++ Home as home 


Arugula Iceberg lettuce 
Cybill Shepherd Jami Gertz 
Suspenders Pocket square 
BMW Anything else 
Kiwi Banana 
Banana Republic Sears 
Bryant Gumbel Larry King 
Neiman-Marcus Macy's 
Quality time Time 
Personal Quotron Personal bookie 
Tarragon balsamic vinegar Lemon juice 
Cellular phone Satellite pager 
Satellite dishes Pyrex dishes 
Career path Career 
Investment bankers Savings accounts 
Money magazine Inc. magazine 
L.A. Law Washington Week in Review 
Stocks Zero coupon bonds 
Biblical names Common names 
Garrison Keillor Elmore Leonard 
Creme fraiche Sour cream 
Valium Bourbon 
Andrew Lloyd Webber Cole Porter 
Three-name names Two-name names 
Tanning bed Fireplace 
Shar-Pei Spuds MacKenzie 
StairMaster Walking to work 
Squash Fishing 
Making a killing Making a living 
Та Dim sum 
David Letterman David Letterman 
Reeboks Converse high-tops 
Tofu Steak 
Blackened fish Cheeseburgers 
Alex Keaton Slap Maxwell 
Gentrification Rehabbing 
White chocolate Frozen Snickers 
AIDS panic Flirting 
George Winston Ray Charles 
Thirtysomething The Tracey Ullman Show 
State of the art State of the nation 
Jane Pauley Lesley Stahl 
Jane Fonda Playmate of the Month 
Divorce Monogamy 
Parenting Raising children 
AmEx Platinum Card irline Visa cards 
Cocaine ar 
Cheers Frank's Place 


SEEING 
AY EIGHT 


historian and jfk aide 
arthur m. schlesinger, jr, sees a new 


idealism blowing in the wind 


nterview By CLAUDIA DREIFUS 


eve theorized that American 
politics is eyclical—moving 
from conservatism to liberalism 
and back, decades at a time. If 
so, where are we naw? Will the 
Reagan Presidency give way to 
something like the Camelot days 
of the early Sixties? Are the times 
a-changin’ once again? 

Yes. The new generation’s time is com- 
ing—in the Nineties. And it will defy the 
Reagan period. If this rhythm holds, the 
conservative cycle will come to an end 
soon and herald a new mood of idealism 
and reform. You've gor a lot of pe 
like that in the Senate right now—pe 
who grew up during the Kennedy y 
who are quite able. So 1 don't mean 
we're going to get a lot of hippies. But i 
the sense that the generation of the Sis 
ties believed in racial justice, in equality 
for women, in treating other countries 
decently, in limiting nuclear weapons, in 
hopes for peace—in that sense, those 
ideals will return with new force in the 
Nineties, 

How can you be sure? 

There is an identifi hythm in our 
politics about every 30 years. arial- 
ly, it's an alternation between periods 
dominated by action, passion, idealism, 
reform, a sense of public purpose—peri- 
ods you might call “liberal” periods or 
“progressive reform” periods —and peri- 
ods dominated by a sense of private in- 
terest, which would be the conservative 
periods. Obviously, the period we live in 
aday, the Eighties, is a time when pri- 
vate interest (continued on page 134) 


ble 


PAINTING BY WILSON MC LEAN 


TAKING STOCK 


ifs no bull, the market took a nasty spill. 


heres how to grin and bear it 


article By JOHN D. SPOONER 


Y Is A TIME for philosophy. When- 
ever there is a crisis, 1 call upon 
people who know history, who can 
perhaps sec a light at the end of the 
tunnel and convince me that it 
isn’t a freight train. Such a person 
is Henry the Red, whose nickname 
comes from the color of his former 
s has been in 
The motto 


hair and who for many y 


the maternity-dress busines 
of his company is “You 
frock "em." The business runs its 
lowing Henry the Red to read boo 
dulge his hobbies and comment on the 
ing scene. 

The market crash is part of adult 
7 he tells me. “And all of adult life is 
a process of preparing us for death. Each 
ache and pain, each whack we take in 
business or in our personal lives gets us 
used to the idea that the end may not be 
so bad 


s, that’s depressing, Henry," 1 


We 
“wh 


co 
n, 


ring a period,” he contir 
, like it or nol, honesty is 
everything. People are going to be com- 
paring their losses instead of wumpeting 
thcir triumphs in estate or the 
amount they overpaid for a Frank Stella 
painting. When I was going off to col- 
lege,” he he last of four children, 
I said to my father, Well, Dad, all of 
your kids are out of the house. You're 
finally going to be set free.” 

“On the contrary,’ my father said. 
*My troubles are now just j 


ues, 


some trou- 
really 


what the crash 


ns that the casy money is 
been made, 1 estate, 
art and stocks. The wipe-out of billions 
of dollars in value means that in the fore- 
secable future, we are going to have to 
work our tails off, ‘Hard work’ is going to 
be the motto for the Nineties. If you're 


not willing to do it. you're going to suck 
wind.” 

Bernard Baruch was once asked 
How much money do you need to 


answered, “A little more.” 

I manage money for more than 1000 
people all over America, from board 
chairmen to cabdrivers, from Pulitzer 
Prize winners to ex-K.G.B. agents. All 
of them checked in after the stock mat 
кес implosion to ask about their money 
and their future, and also to ask about 
the state of my health. “How have you 
been sleeping?” inquired a Hollywood 
producer 

"Em sleeping just like a baby,” I 

Every two hours, I wake up and 

At the end of last October, the time of 
the crash, fewer than 28 percent of Amer- 
ican households owned stocks. But if you 
think you're not кой 
the crash because you don't own stocks, 


aid. 


10 be affected by 


you are wrong. It will affect all of us in 
varying degrees. The worst affected will 
be the people who believed that good 
times would roll forever and borrowed to 
live for today 

I know a stockbroker who has been 
called Mickey the Wise Guy since gram- 
mar school. Mickey represents the kind 
of person who was destroyed by the 
crash. He lived for the commission in the. 
investment business, not for the clients 
and he practiced what he preached 
ge was his middle name. He bor- 
rowed money in high school to buy 


clothes: the most pegged of pants, the 
bluest of suede shoes, the biggest rolled 
collars. And he hustled pool and can- 
dlepins to pay back the loans, except for 
My stifled 


those from girls, whe 
or kept stringing along until gra 
when they would leave town for college 
and never see Mickey again. A real 
sweetheart, even though he did have the 
nest D.A. haircut in town. Mickey went 
where the casy action was, and in 1983, 
he became — (continued. on page 160) 


PAINTING BY ROBERT GIUSTI 


N 


EVER BEFORE has there been a wave of models as great as the ones we're secing today.” 


atest of them all.” With 


says photographer Peter Beard, “And Janice 


plaudits like that, Janice Dickinson—whose face has e 


launched half a thousand issues of Vogue, Cosmopolitan, 


з just the gr 


Harpers Bazaar and practically every other fashion 


magazine in the Western world —might have been for- 


given for becoming a stay-at-home, for sticking with the 


New York-London- Paris fashion axis that made her 


famous. Did she really need a grand Kenyan si 


She had conquered Vogue. She was that Cosmo girl 


whom the reader could only dream of being. Did she really need tsetse flies? A Brook- 


lyn girl who reached the summit of her profession by dint of “hard work, the belief 


that | could do anything" and the “timeless beauty" she laughingly cites instead of 
giving her age, Janice could have settled cozily into the satin sheets of that world she knew best—bright lights, big 


was an excitement to this that was unlike 


cities, Blass menageries of designer duds 


7 she re- 


and hourly wages that might make Don anything I'd ever done before, 


Mattingly blush. Instead, she took a fier. calls, “because it was Playboy, because it 


Before it was over, she had logged 14,000 would take me to Africa, because Ud be 


working with Pet 


Irequentilight miles, suffered some seri- —1 expected it to be 


ous sunburn and endured several hun- the most unusual shoot 1 had ever done. 


dred insect bites—not exactly what she And it was.” She took the redeye to 


had anticipated at the outset. “There Nairobi (every fight to Nairobi is a 


GOING 
WILD 
WITH A 
i MODEL 


redeye), a short distance from Beard's Hog Ranch near 


ar to We: 


Kenya's Ngong Hills—a region made tar 
erners by Karen Blixen, who wrote under the pen 
al 


name lsak Dinesen. Upon her ar Ken 


first thoughts. were of. getting 


however, 


“the Club Med.” 


Out of Africa. “Tt was not.” she says 


Southern Kenya was. in fact, a vast wilderness domi- 


strange sounds and men who 


nated by wild bea 


killed without blinking an eve—much like New York but without hot-dog stands 


anice, a woman more at home in a limousine than in a mud- 


and Thai restaurants 


crusted Land-Rover, mentally itemized her luggage and realized she had for- 


s—ıhings tches, Pepto-Bismol and crocodile 


gotten to pack the necessi 
repellent. Here she was, a glamorous, worldly sophisticate in a land where Bazaar 


mel prices.” Nevertheless, there 


meant “a large tent where you haggle over used- 


was no denying the gr » which she 


leur of the plac 


suddenly found herself This was the site of К 


Blixen and Denys Finch Hatton's love allair—and of their filmic reunion, played 


а land 


out by Meryl Streep and Robert Redford in the movie Out af Africa U way 


both harsh and inellably romantic. Life was simple in Kenya, where mosquito netting 
took the place of evening gowns, where animals you were accustomed to ogling 


in zoos might make dinner out of you. Janice Dickinson of Brooklyn, New York, grit- 


ted her teeth, pped down to the bare essentials and set out to tame Africa. 


PETER BEARD 
UNCOVERS 
JANICE 
DICKINSON 
IN HIS 
FAVORITE HAUNT— 
THE ANIMAL 
KINGDOM OF 
AFRICA 


had a farm in Africa, at the foot of the Ngong Hills,” 
wrote Dinesen in Out of Africa. “The geographical position and the height of the land combined to create a landscape 
that had not its like in all the world. There was no fat on it and no luxuriance anywhere; it was Africa distilled up 
through six thousand feet like the strong and refined essence of a continent.” This is the land of Peter Hill Beard, 50, 
who settled on land adjoining Blixen's farm when he was 22 and has become renowned as one of the world's finest 


wildlife photographers. His 1967 collaboration with Romain Gary resulted in a legendary Life magazine pictorial 


devoted to Kenya's elephants. Photos from his book Eyelids of Morning, “The Mingled Destinies of Crocodiles and 


Men,” were shot into space in 1977 as part of the Voyager probe's time capsule. His book The End of the Game, a 


record of 20 years spent observing the slaughter of Tsavo's wildlife, is a definitive document of man’s inhumanity to 


nature. “A monument over the Old Africa which was so dear to my heart,” Dinesen called it. Beard is also, not 


coincidentally, one of the world's best photographers of women. “Beauty or the beast? I have no preference,” he says. 


“I love anything beautiful.” His pictures of African model Iman, one of the most sought-after models on earth, in 


Beauty and the Beasts (Playboy, January 1986), affirm his point. For the present shooting, Beard called on Janice, “a 
great friend—one of the 
smartest women | know. And 
a joy to work with, a very 
good photographer herself.” 
Janice says she enjoyed 
her African sojourn with 
Beard but was a little less 
than pleased to тесі some 
of his friends. “I was 
allergic to the cheetah, and 


I kept secing red ants that 


were big enough to ride. 


ecping her cool in Kenya 


layboy sends model to Africa, model gets bitten by mites 


from chectah,” Janice reports with a laugh. “I had to put ice cubes all over my body.” Glamorous, indeed, is a 
model’s life in Africa. The cheetah was spectacular; Janice was more so; the cheetah’s parasites thought they were 
both delicious. “It wasn't the easiest shoot I have ever done,” says the model. “At times, it was dangerous. I didn't 
know why I was doing it, but it was rewarding. Being in a place like that gives you a different perspective. It puts you 
in a whole new time zone, that's for sure. It took me two months to reacclimate myself to the world of people.” She 
survived to return to the land of subways, Chipwiches and ants the size of, well, ants, to cement a few friendships 
(Janice became Iman's daughter's godmother) and to appear briefly with Beard and Iman in an upcoming ABC-TV 
special, With Peter Beard . . . in Africa: The Last Word from Paradise, first of a projected series. Beard—back in the 
U.S. to work on the TV project—continues to rave about the woman he plucked from the cover of Vogue and took to 
lion country. “Janice is absolutely one of the finest models ever,” he says. “Photography is subject matter, and when 
you're working with someone of that caliber, someone that far ahead of the pack, it’s pleasure.” Of course, pleasure 
and danger—as every big-game shooter knows—can be opposite sides of the same coin. To capturc the look he was 
after, Beard put Janice on the 
back of a crocodile and ex- 
posed her to—and with—a 
cheetah that still had gazelle 
on its breath. Now, how- 
ever, our heroine is safe and 
sound in America, near the 
foot of the Hollywood Hills, 
with a new husband, a life- 
time supply of matches and 


memories of a land so vast 


it seemed to go on forever. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PETER BEARD 


REG NORNAN is 
consumed by the 
hungers. What- 
ever he wants, 
he wanıs it bad- 
ly. Whatever he 
does, he does it 
full force. 
Ifit is a friend- 
ly round of golf with his cronies—just a 
good ol' bunch of salesmen, duffers and 
hacks—Norman is still grinding away 
with his powerhouse specialty act that 
screams past your head like a flaming 
parrot. When you total up the damage, 
you see that he has thrown a 62 at you 
If he asks you to follow him out to the 
house for a beer, you will find yourself 
involved in a hell-for-leather Mad Max 
chase scene down some backwoods Flori- 
da two-lane, muscling cars out of the way 
like a moonshiner shaking off revenuers. 
If he collected any car in the world, 
naturally it would be the Ferrari. He has 
three and recently put a deposit down on 
a fourth—the new F40, good for 200 
mph. Wherever he’s going, he’s going 
with the wind howling, the streamers 
Aying and the pedal mashed to the floor. 
Modern golf is not overburdened with 
such swashbucklers. Norman, the Great 
White Shark, is one of the few profession- 
al golfers who actually appear to be full- 
blooded athletes. He has impressively 
wide shoulders, narrow waist, muscular 
poise. Long, angular face framed by his 
platinum-white surf-Nazi hair. Even amid 
the monotonous bronzed perfection of 
American golf, the sight of Norman, ri- 
fling his unconscionably long and straight 
drives and taking divots that should slow 
thc carth's rotation, has inspired deep 
contemplation and held breath. 
He has worked his way into the public 


personality 
By CHRIS HODENFIELD 


australias great 
white, greg norman, 
plays golf spikes up 


PAINTING BY WILSON MCLEAN 


PLAYBOY 


consciousness with outsize images of vic- 
tory and loss. Even his defeats have been 
titanic, unforgettable curtain scenes. He 
spent 1986 riding a very high wave, be- 
coming, according to the global Sony 
rankings, the best in the world. Then the 
wave broke. He was thrust into golf lore 
at the 1986 P.G.A. championship when, 
at the last hole, his opponent, Bob Tway, 
sank a sand shot and instantly trans- 
formed leader Norman into a goat. But 
Norman could laugh about it. He had al- 
ready won the British Open, and he 
would go on to win the most money on 
the P.G.A. Tour, along with nine tourna- 
ment wins world-wide. The man who 
had held the lead in all four majors now 
planned to win them all. 

Then the floor fell away at the 1987 
Masters. Norman's tragedy happened at 
the second hole of the sudden-death 
play-off. He had already shaken off Seve 
Ballesteros. Now he faced Larry Mize, a 
mild-mannered Georgia golfer who was 
famous for collapsing in play-offs. Nor- 
man was safely on the green, facing a 
long birdie putt. Then came “the chip.” 
Mize stood in the semirough, 140 feet 
away from the pin. His chip skated on 
the rise, rolled down a sloping putting 
greenasslickasanice loc—and dropped. 
Another not-in-a-million-years shot. 

This time, the Shark was gutted. Hav- 
ing had his pocket picked twice, Norman 
went through a long, barren year looking 
over his shoulder, mentally clutching his 
wallet. 

It was this troubled and overtalented 
man I found in Orlando one sweltering 
summer day. By the middle of 1987, he 
had dropped off the tour for a while to 
get a spiritual rebuild. He beat balls all 
day and in such coolic labor found 
strength. He wanted to turn himself into 
a machine. 

Professional golf, after all, is the busi- 
ness of capturing a state of mind. Out in 
the field, the pro is pulled by a variety of 
impulses and compulsions. He must 
combine the killer instinct of Genghis 
Khan with a George Gobel calm that al- 
lows for about 280 cool-tempered strokes 
over four days of competition. One does 
some hard thinking out on the golf 
course, all the time knowing that it is go- 
ing to be the teensy idle thought that 
yanks his tee shot into the ocean. 

Is it any wonder golf is short of swash- 
bucklers? 


. 

Every 24 seconds, Greg Norman let 
loose. He stared down-range, tapped an- 
other ball into place, tightened his glove, 
settled his massive legs into position and 
gathered his thoughts. “All right,” he 
muttered, "here's the 15th at Augusta.” 

He rotated until his driver was over 
his head; and then, in a compressed 
lunge, his wide shoulders swiveled swift- 
ly and the club head flashed past and 


cracked the ball 280 booming yards 
down-field. He drove so hard into the 
ball that his cleated right foot dragged 
forward a few inches. He finished bal- 
anced on his left foot. 

Club-head speed for such a drive is 
about 120 mph. Achieving any kind of 
accuracy with such a mighty strike is 
akin to flicking out a cigarctte with a 
bullwhip. But Norman's drives were 
straight enough. He worked generally on 
the fine points of trajectory. A fine-look- 
ing blast that rose ten feet too high was 
for him a failure. 

In the distance, the practice green was 


Jows 5, the Australian: Dead in the water 
for much of 1987, Normon resumed his con- 
quests in last November's Austrolion Open. 


clogged white with balls. Norman’s 
progress up the fairway, working his way 
through four irons, six irons and nine 
irons, was marked by a chain of divots, 
each the size of a manhole cover. 

Almost three hours work took him to 
the 220-yard mark. He pulled out the 
two iron and practiced his “quail-high” 
shots. "Here's a Scottish shot,” he said. 
"Let's see how low I can get this.” He 
moved his hands forward and belted a 
low line drive that hugged the grass for 
about 180 yards. Then it rosc and gently 
dropped to earth. 

Norman stared at these artful wallops 
with a baleful glare. His face was cut 
sharply, with an angled nose and eye- 
brows and watery, pale-blue eyes and a 
thin, split lip. His platinum hair flopped 
in his face, and even his scalp was sun- 
burned. He was glazed in sweat. His 
white shorts and purple shirt were plas- 
tered down. On his golf cart, the steering 
wheel was draped with three golf gloves, 
all sopping wet. 

This favored practice ground was the 
Grand Cypress resort, cut out of the 
central Florida woods. The Jack Nick- 
laus-designed golf course is à wee bit o” 


Scotland, with terraces and sea-link 
swales, rolling mounds and shooting- 
grass rough, with picturesque waterways 
skimmed by long-necked herons. The 
vast practice grounds include a three- 
hole course, which makes it the perfect 
happy hunting ground for a dozen tour 
pros who live in Orlando. If you're not 
bumping into Nick Price there, you're 
bumping into Payne Stewart or Brad 
Faxon, all in comfy clothes, hammering 
balls. But in the absence of Emperor 
Nicklaus, Norman is the local matinee 
idol, the one who parks the black Rolls- 
Royce Corniche under the clubhouse 
awning, the one who slaps backs and 
grabs checks and makes grand gestures. 
‘The White Shark is the only one who can 
easily be spotted from half a mile away. 

Out on the field, however, he stays 
locked up in a solitary force field. The 
only person to really enter into his pri- 
vate world of practice was a short, wiry 
man of 49 named Charlie Earp. The 
head professional at Royal Queensland 
golf club in Brisbane, Australia, he was 
the one who polished the young Nor- 
man's game. And now he was here to 
cast his eye over Norman and say a good 
word. With his rapid-fire Aussie argot, 
Earp’s every third word secmed to be 
“bloody,” and he bloody well told Nor- 
man to bloody slow down, because he 
was swinging like a bloody fan. 

While Norman usually speaks in a flat 
Americanized accent, around Earp he 
slipped into gaudy jackaroo talk. 
“Christ,” he’d say, as he stretched, “I’m 
stiffer than a honeymooner’s prick.” 

“No wacking furry,” Earp would re- 
ply, meaning there was no fucking worry. 

Norman hit only 20 or so full drives, 
but then he spent an hour practicing 
chips onto the green. “Watch,” he said 
quietly. “Here's a Larry Mize.” From 
behind a grassy mound, he duplicated 


„the tricky little chip that had defeated 


him at the Masters. This one narrowly 
missed the hole. He regarded it and said 
tonelessly, “Every shot makes somebody 
happy? 

Around the Norman house, Mize’s 
miracle was simply called the chip. It 
was spoken of the way another family 
would refer to “the Crash” or “the oper- 
ation.” His wife, Laura, finally com- 
pared it to a death in the family: “He 
tried not to deal with it and say, That's 
golf; that’s what happens.’ But it’s hard. 
You go to sleep thinking, My God, I 
could have been the Masters champion. 
How could that have happened? You 
can’t help going over it.” 

Watching Norman practice his Mize 

ips, Earp put some comfort into his 
voice. “Next time,” he said, “itll be your 
turn to do it to somebody else.” 

Silendy, almost machinelike, Norman 
took his Wilson 8802 putter and went to 

(continued on page 142) 


“How would you like to pluck that sucker at this 
year’s Metropolitan Boat Show?” 


A LES 10 DEFER 


suits and socks—a shoe-in combo 


RADITION- 
ALLY, MEN TEND TO 
PLAY IT CONSERVA- 
TIVELY—ESPECIALLY 
AROUND THE ANKLES. 
ANY FLAIR IS SAVED 
FOR THE NECKTIE, A 
SPLASH OF COLOR IN 
THE POCKET SQUARE 
OR SNAPPY-LOOKING 
SUSPENDERS— WHEN 
ONE FEELS EXPANSIVE. 
Opposite page: Wool/silk plaid on a jade, berry and copper overplaid single-breasted suit 
with double-pleated pants, by Austin Reed of Regent Street, about $425; is combined with 
cotton/nylon Jacquard socks that have textured striping, by Laura Pearson, about $19. 
shoes: deerskin lace-ups with a low vamp, cap toe, perforated detailing and a flexible 
leather sole, by Andrea Getty tor Jandreani, $178. Above: Wool-blend glen-plaid single- 
breasted suit with a subtle overplaid, exaggerated shoulders, a ventless back and double- 
ted suit pants, from Lanvin Studio by The Greif Companies, $325; plus cotton/nylon socks 


black polka dots, by Studio Tokyo, about $10. His shoes are black-leather lace-ups with 
a cap toe, perforated-design front and leather soles, by Jon Franco Pirelli, about $100. 


FASHION 
By HOLLIS WAYNE 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


ird Holtzmen, $495; is teamed with 
low socks, by Interwoven, $6.50; and 


Above: The plaid suit (top left), from Hervé Benard by 
red/black/gray socks, by Laura Peerson, about $19; 
black/aqua op-art socks, by E. G. Smith, $7. The gray-plaid suit (top right), from Perry Ellis 
Portfolio by The Greif Companies, $365; is wedi Argyle secks, from Colours by Alex- 
ender Julien, by Merum, about $7.50; pastel socks, by Dore Dore from The French Americen 
Greup, $16.50; end agee socks, from Віа by Gilbert, $6. Above: A wool snit, from 
Firma by ji striped cetton/nylon socks, by Studio Tokyo, about 
Pearsen, about $19; end pink socks, by E. G. Smith, $12. Right: 
Wool/linen suit, by Pierre Cardin, $320; end colorful socks, by Claiberne Furnishings, $6.50. 


FURNITURE FROM MANIFESTO, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 


UT MORE 
AND MORE, SMART MEN 
ARE REALIZING THAT 
SOCKS ARE A GREAT 
BYE CATCHER—AND 
PERFECTLY COMPLE- 
MENT A WELL-TAI- 
LORED LOOK. SO MATCH 
TODAY'S SPRING SUITS 
WITH SUITABLE SOCKS: 
IT'S AN 


INVITATION 


TO STEP LIVELY. 


JACK PURSE thought 
his father’s plan to 
get his recently 
foreclosed farmland 
back by fighting his 
last pit bull was a 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRALDT BRALDS 


sign the old man 
was losing his grip on things. No one was 
going to bet against a dog that always 
won. It was as simple as that. 

The pit bull at Jack’s feet, a medium- 
sized black dog with yellow eyes, shook his 
head, rattling a swivel heavy enough to 
hold a bear. Alligator had a dry, acrid 
stink that never washed off, no matter how 
many times Jack swam him in the lake. 

“Muzzle that dog,” his father, Dexter, 
said from his seat in an armchair by the 
big mahogany wheel. Their river boat was 
moored to the shore of the oxbow lake the 
Corps of Engineers had created by cutting 
a channel to straighten a loop in the river. 

“He won't bite me,” Jack said and 
petted the top of the dog's head. 

Alligator looked up. Jack was never sure 
about him. He always carried a wedge- 
shaped breaking stick in his belt, just in 
Case the dog latched on to someone and he 
had to pry his jaws loose. Yet he let the dog 
sleep in his room on a rug beside his bed. 

“I ain't worried about you," Dexter 
said. “IIe bites onc of my neighbors, 
there'll be a lawsuit. You put the muzzle 
on him now.” 

Jack thought about telling the old man 
to go to hell. But instead, he put the muz- 
zle on Alligator. The dog endured, as al- 
ways, in silence. Jack seldom heard him 
make any sound. He stroked Alligator’s 
head, the coat smooth beneath his finger 
tips. No puncture scars or ragged ears. 

Alligator’s cars stood up, and the dog 
looked toward the open door of the pilot 
house. Earl Blackmon walked into the cab- 
in but stopped when he saw Alligator. He 
and Dexter had been rivals in dogfight- 
ing for years. He looked the picture of a 
gentleman farmer: polished boots and a 
seersucker suit with a blue tie. He carried 
a book with a green cover under his arm. 

“Don’t worry, we got him muzzled,” 
Dexter said. 

"You're smart,” Blackmon said. 
"Thats a crazy dog. What comes of 


fiction By SCOTT ELY 


he'd sold off all his dogs 
to raise cash. only alligator 
was left—lonely and mean 


PLAYBOY 


breeding fathers to daughters. Got a 
strong bite and good moves but no game- 
ness.” 

“He's dead game,” Dexter said, the 
words coming out of his mouth so slow 
Alligator raised his head to hear. 

“Hell, Dexter, you don't know that,” 
Blackmon said. 

The only way to find out if Alligator 
was dead game was to fight him to the 
death and see if he held on even after he 
was dead. 

Dexter said, “You got the dog that'll 
beat him?” 

“Would if you let your boy work my 
corner.” 

“He don’t like to work in the pit.” 
Dexter paused. ‘Pretty, though. Women 
like him just fine.” 

“Don’t be so hard on the boy,” Black- 
mon said, smiling. 

“Т take Alligator back to the truck,” 
Jack said. 

“Stay right there,” Dexter said. And 
then to Blackmon, “See, I can't even get 
him mad. We used to have some good 
fights. Could always put him on the 
ground; still can.” 

Jack wished he had one of the frags 
he'd used in Vietnam in his hand right 
now so he could toss it to the old man. 
That would be a sweet way to watch him 
die. 

Dexter continued, “Take that dog on 
home. P've got work to do here.” 

Jack left the cabin. At his truck, he 
took the muzzle off Alligator. Sometimes 
he could tell just by the way the dog car- 
ried his tail that it was safer to keep the 
muzzle on. It was when his eyes glazed 
over, a smoky-white film over the gold 
surface, that he became dangerous. The 
dog had never tried to bite him, but Jack 
knew he would give no warning when 
that day came. 

He drove his truck away from the boat, 
the tires bouncing in the ruts, raising 
twin plumes of dust. He crossed the levee 
and went past the row of catfishermen’s 
shacks. A little man with a beard, clean- 
ing a shotgun on the hood of a truck, 
stared but did not wave. Now the land 
was perfectly flat, scored by geometrical 
rows of cotton and soybeans, all belong- 
ing to owners who lived far away from 
the delta. 

Jack stroked Alligator, looking into 
those yellow eyes that never looked away 
and smelled his stink. He knew the dog 
was indifferent, content to eat and sleep 
and wait for his chance to grab hold and 
never let go. 

е 

Jack saw the vet’s blue truck pull into 
the yard. He walked off the porch and 
followed the truck around to the back, 
where the gravel driveway ran under a 
sign: 


ТОР DOG KENNELS 
HOME OF FIGHTERS THAT FIGHT AND WIN 
OR DIE TRYING 


"Come give me and Squirrel a hand," 
Dexter said to Jack as the vet got out of 
his truck. 

The cat mill, with its long weighted 
arm and cage, in which Dexter kept a 
Halloween mask of a goblin as a lure in- 
stead of a cat, was empty. The gates to 
the runs for pregnant bitches stood open. 
Dexter had sold off his dogs, 50 in all, to 
raise cash and avoid feed bills. Only Alli- 
gator sat beneath the shade of his shelter. 

“What's going on?" Jack asked. 

“I told you I'd get my land back,” 
Dexter said. “Alligator’Il do it for me.” 

“Good luck on getting a fight,” Jack 
said 

Alligator had been fought just twice. 
The second fight had happened because 
nobody believed the first—Alligator bor- 
ing in under his opponent, then lifting 
and flipping the bewildered dog before 
the astonished crowd and catching him 
with those steel-trap jaws midway along 
the backbone, severing the spine with 
опе bite. 

“Earl thinks that Texas Firecracker 
dog of his can beat Alligator,” Dexter 
said. “Firecracker dog outweighs him by 
twenty pounds. Earl thinks he’s got the 
advantage.” Then he turned to Jack and 
continued, “With you in the pit, we'd win 
for sure.” 

“I won't do it," Jack said. 

“That land bought the clothes on his 
back,” Dexter said, talking slow. “Now 
he won't help get it back.” 

“With Alligator, it won't matter who's 
in the pit,” Squirrel said. 

. 

Jack helped them unload the equip- 
ment: a self-contained liquid-nitrogen re- 
frigerator, milk as a semen extender, an 
artificial vagina and plastic straws for the 
storage. The A-V. had hollow walls filled 
with hot water to protect the semen from 
the shock of cold air and a collection 
tube at one end. The vet had brought 
along a hound bitch in heat to stimulate 


“Well have Jack stimulate him while 
we hold his nose to the bitch.” 

“What you mean?” Jack asked. 

Dexter laughed. “Why, give that dog a 
hand job,” he said. “He likes you.” 

“I'm not doing that,” Jack said. 

Dexter said, “Boy, it's just a dumb an- 
imal. Nobody'll ever accuse you of liking 
nothing but women. Army had me do the 
same thing for my guard dog. Was a 
standing order. Did it once a weck. 
Damn dog loved me for it.” 

“No way.” 

“Do like yow're told.” Dexter was talk- 


ing slow and making Alligator's ears 
stand up. 

“We'll bring him up close to the bitch 
again,” Squirrel said. 

“He's not interested,” Jack said. 

“It can't hurt,” Dexter said. “Maybe 
he'll discover there's something in his life 
besides killing.” 

They brought Alligator's nose up to 
the whimpering bitch. 

“You do it,” Jack said to Dexter. 

“Dog hates me,” Dexter said. “You're 
the only one he likes. We sell enough 
gator juice and we're on our way to get- 
ing our land back.” 

“OK,” Jack said. "Bur I don't want 
to hear about this next time 1 go to 
Greenville.” 

“Nobody'd think it was worth telling 
but you.” 

The two men struggled to hold Alliga- 
tor. The dog did not kick or twist about, 
just moved steadily one way and then an- 
other to test their strength. Jack knelt be- 
side him. 

“Go ahead.” 

Jack massaged Alligator's penis, fecl- 
ing the dog's heat. Alligator became ex- 
Cited, swelling to fill the artificial vagina 
as Jack guided him into it. Alligator 
trembled. The bitch began to howl. 

“How long?” Jack asked. 

Squirrel said, “For dogs it takes a long 
time.” 

“He don't have a drop in him,” Jack 
said. "We're wasting our time.” 

“Don't you stop,” Dexter said. 

Jack really wondered why he was do- 
ing it and not the old man. Suddenly, Al- 
ligator began to come in short spurts, the 
milky-white semen trickling into the col- 
lection bottle at the bottom of the А.У. 
He smelled the sour scent of it, all mixed 
up with the stink of the dog. Then the 
smell of the last woman he had been 
with, a girl in a motel in Memphis, came 
out of nowhere, and he stopped. 

"Don't stop now,” Squirrel said. 
“You're doing beautiful. Dogs go a long 
time.” 

Jack put his hand back on the dog, and 
Alligator began to come again. 

"We'll be able to make a thousand Al- 
ligators,” Dexter said. 

"Not that many," Squirrel said. 
“Maybe we can do ten bitches with what 
we done today.” 

“This boy's so good at it, we can do it 
once a week at least,” Dexter said. “Took 
this long to find out what he does best.” 

“You'll never make enough money off 
this,” Jack said, “Won't even be able to 
Pay the taxes on the house.” 

“You let me worry about that, Just 
keep working that dog.” 

(continued on page 149) 


le.” 
“Supple, always keep your fingers supp 


rta аы 


IF YOU KNEW 


texan susie owens is nursing a new career and loving it 
B 2 


F the 
lady beside that 1953 
Chevy pickup (lcft) 
seems familiar, she 
probably is. You first 
saw Susie Owens as one 
of the nurses we fea- 
tured in our November 
1983 pictorial Women 
in White. She started 
working at 22 as a nurse 
in Oklahoma City hos- 
pitals, where in seven 
and a half years she 
went from delivery- 
room duty to cardiology 
and finally oncology— 
cancer care. Her ap- 


pearance in Playboy 


caught the eyes of the 
producers of an Oklahoma City television sports-talk show, who invited her to host a five-minute 
segment devoted to health and fitness for women and men. As she says, “I was ready to get out of the 
illness part of health care and into the wellness area," so the show was the perfect remedy. Her TV 
stint sparked an idea that came to fruition a year later, right after she returned from a trip to Los 


Angeles, where she'd noticed that a large number of personal trainers actually made a decent living. 


he decid- 
ed to start a fitness busi- 
mess, FemLine, which 
offers personalized fit- 
ness counseling for 
women in the Dallas 
area. She’s currently 
offering a lecture series 
called “Females & Fit- 
ness” at a large Dallas 
health club, and she’s 
negotiating to do a ra- 
dio show. She’s making 
it. But that’s just her 
career. You also ought 
to know that she just 
recently became unat- 
tached and shares a 
house with her nine- 
year-old daughter, 
Shauna Darlene. One 
more thing you might 
like to know is how a 
31-year-old nurse gets 
herself into this kind 
of physical condition: 
squash. Intense, sweaty 
hours of squash. “I hate 


aerobics,” she says. Not 


one to stifle her opin- 


ions, Susie has them on 
a wide variety of topics, 
a few of which we'll 


share with you. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR 


й the difference 
between being 21 and be- 
ing 31: “When I was 
younger, I was silent, 
submissive and sexless, 
but Pm way past that 
phasc. When you turn 
31, you don't have time 
for bullshit.” On nurs- 
ing burnoul: “A lot of 
nurses get out of it in 
five to seven years. 
Thats why there's a 
nursing shortage. The 
wages are too low for 
the kind of grueling 
work we do.” On staying 
in shape: “I'm not like 
the 18-year-olds who 
have it naturally. Гус 
put a lot of work into 
this body. That's why I 
don't mind showing 
myself naked.” On the 
illusions of spandex: 
“You see those girls 
working out in spandex 
outfits? Well, Гуе seen 
some of them come into 
the locker room and 
just explode out of them. 
Pm not like that. I 
never owned a spandex 


outfit and never will.” 


“I don't think there's 
© sexual prime time, 
though I'm in my 30s. 
It has more to do with 
how comfortable you 
ore with yourself. 
Right now, I'm the 
happiest I've ever 
been and the most 
sexual I've ever been.” 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


mun ое Diane Oben 


sus: _IS — wars AS mps: GS 
merca 972" _ wero: //7 OS. 


» : 2 gi 
TURN-ONS aa a uaman Etat, азм д ind таас 
А » 2 4 » , A Á d J 4 4 A 


TURN-OFFS: 


FAVORITE TV SHOWS: 


FAVORITE PLACE: 


FAVORITE PAMPERING ACTIVITIES: 


7 7 


OCCUPATION: — — Дера anne, personal 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


The Scottish sergeant major walked into the lo- 
cal pharmacy in full military dress. As the 
chemist approached, he pulled a torn and tat- 
tered piece of paper from his sporran and care- 
fully unfolded it to reveal a perforated, used 
condom. 

“How much for a new onc?" the soldier asked. 

“One pound 50.” 

“How much to have this one repa 

"One pound ten.” 

“FIL be back tomorrow,” the sergeant major 
said as he refolded the paper and carefully re- 
turned it to his sporran. 

The nest day, he walked back into the store, 
unfolded the paper and told the chemist, “The 
regiment would like this one repaired. 


ed? 


With their political fortunes on the wane, Gary 
Hart and Joe Biden are considering forming a 
law partnership to be kaown as Cock & Bull 


A very sheltered Southern girl returned to G 
gia from her first trip to New York and excitedly 
told her equally naive friend what she had 
learned there. 

“Charlene, honey, did vou know that up 
North, men kiss other men . . . down there?” 

“Heavens, no!” Charlene gasped. “What do 
you call them?” 

“You call them homosexuals. And did vou 
know that there are women up there who kiss 
other women down there 

“Oh, mercy! What do you call them?" 
Charlene asked 

"You call them lesbians. And the 
men who kiss women . . . down thei 

7M that don't beat all. What in heaven's name 
do you call them?" 

“Girl, you call them “Sugar” 


also have 


How do you get a stockbroker out of a tree? Cut 
the rope. 


А Russian had saved for years to buy a car. 
When he finally had enough money. he went to 
the auto window at the goverament building. 
Alter counting out the bills, the official said, 
Everything seems to be in order, but it will be a 
ten-year wait, comrade,” 

Thats " the applicant said, “but will it 
be delivered in the morning or in the alterno: 
“What do you mean? It'll be ten ye Y 

“Yes, but Гуе got a plumber coming in the 
morning.” 


While glancing through the personals in the lo- 
cal paper, a dog fancier spotted this ad under 
Lost AND FOUND: "Lost—pit Chihuahua. Likes 
children, prefers tacos.” 


An elderly woman approached the pearly 
and knocked. “Who is i2” Saint Peter asked 
“It is L7 the woman answered. 

“Good God, muttered. “Another 
damned schoolte. 


ates 


‚Alter he knocked his second consecutive tee shot 

water, the angry golfer grabbed his bag 
walked to the edge of the pond 
and proceeded to throw the rest of his golf balls 
and each of his clubs into it, Then he tossed i 
the bag and told the caddie, “Now Fm going to 
jump in and drown myself.” 

“You can't do that, si 
can if I damn well please 
lowed 

“Ма 


* the golfer bel- 


you can't, sir." 
hell not? [Us my life! 


When they discovered there were no vacancies 
in the local Moslem nursing home, Muhammad 
Shazaam's children were forced to house him 
temporarily in the town's Catholic home. Six 
months later, a room opened up in the Moslem 
home and his children went to move him. 
“1 don't want to go,” he said. “1 like it here. 7 
“What do vou mean vou like it here? 
“These Catholics are so optimistic. Sce that 
guy over there? He has no legs, but they call him 
Speedy. That « there has no tecth and they 
call him Smily. And me, I haven't had sex in 
years and they fucking Arab 


all me 


posse of federales asked a farmer if he had seen 
acho Villa. 

“A man on a big white horse came down this 
very road,” the farmer said. “He drew his gun 
and told me to get off my burro. What could I 


do? He had a gun. 1 got off. He told me to 
eat burro shit. What could I do? He had a gun. I 
ate it 


he man on the big white horse laughed so 
rd he dropped the gun.” the farmer continued. 
1 picked up the gun and told the man on the 
white horse to get down, What could he do? I 
had the gun. He got down. 1 told him to cat 
arse shit. What could he do? I had the gun. He 
ate it. 
“And you ask me i 
farmer said, shrugging. 
other d. 


h: 


(1 saw Pancho Villa? ic 
Why, we had lunch to- 


Heard a funny one lately? Send Н on a post- 
card, please, lo Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Hl. 60611. 5100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“It would never work, АЁ—Гт ‘L.A. Law’ and you're Benny Hill?” 


True 


you think ollie was a hero? a patriot? a martyr? 


go tell it to the marines 
article By ASA BABER 


THIS COUNTRY had a love affair last summer. 
Televised testimony held us riveted for 
several days in July, while a series of 
posters and magazines and video tapes 
and paperback books presented a new 
hero to the American people. Licutenant 
Colonel Oliver L. North, United States 
Marine Corps, fascinated us with his 
handsome features and his sincere words 
and gestures. 

The fact that North temporarily won 
Our acceptance is proof to some experts 
that we Americans are a people who can 
be manipulated into hasty choices. Histo- 
rian Barbara Tuchman, writing about our 
infatuation with North when it was at its 
height, concluded, “The ‘Ollicmania’ phe- 
nomenon—which now reaches from Oli- 
ver North T-shirts to clubs promoting 
North for President—demonstrates a dis- 
tressing popular development that I con- 
sider the main point of the Iran affair, 
deeper than the issues of incompetence in 
government. It is the public’s acceptance 
of the pictured image without regard to the 
reality underneath. - . This is the result of 
a visual—which is to say nonthinking— 
culture." 

Tuchman's assertion raises serious ques- 
tions: Are we Americans passive partici- 
pants in a "nonthinking" culture? During 
crises, do we foolishly accept “the pictured 
image without regard to the reality under- 
neath"? Did we buy The Oliver North Sto- 
ry—about a bemedaled and uniformed 
war hero who was ready to face down 
Abu Nidal, arm the Contras, mine Nica- 
raguan harbors, sell missiles to Iran and 
give his President total loyalty—no ques- 
tions asked? (continued on page 154) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ANITA KUNZ 


105 


CARS '88 


| 
l 


five top automotive journalists and race-car driver kevin 
cogan pick this year’s hottest wheels 


O.. AGAIN, we've t 


sis money can't 


ned 


loose five of best aut 


ative jou 


buy— plus race-car driver and Playboy Products spokesper- 


iety of cate- 


son Kevin Cogan—to choose Best Car in a va 


gories. Sur ts (it's the 


Bentley 


we include Best Car to Impress СЇ 


ht, pictured above), but we haven't forgotten 


that not everyone can afford heavy English metal, so you'll 


also find expert imp prtals can 


on categories that 
relate to, such as Best Car lo Tell Yo 
(No, the criteri 


Girlfriend to Buy. 


did not ude a comfortable back seat.) 


пе background information on our expert panel follows. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


Ti 


lr 


Best Two-Seater Under 
$20,000: Toyota's peppy 
supercharged MR2 out- 
distanced all competi- 
tors, with four of our six 
panelists picking it as 
their favorite form of in- 
expensive two-seater 
transportation. “After you 
buy this car, you'll want 
to find the most winding 
road you can to get from 
Ato B." said Kevin Co- 
gan. John Lamm agreed 
and applauded the addi- 
tion of the supercharger 
for 1988. Brock Yates 
and David Stevens also 
voted for the MR2 
(Stevens called it a “seri- 
ous grinmobile"). One of 
our panelists’ two dis- 
senting votes went to the 
Honda CRX Si, about 
which William Jeanes 
said, “In traffic, the CRX 
Si is like a turbo roller 
skate on racing slicks.” 
Ken Gross cast his lot 
with the Mazda RX-7, 
commenting that it had 
“all the Sturm und Drang 
of a 944 but at a fraction 
of Porsche's pricing.” 


toa 


AND THE WINNERS ARE... 


Best Car to Tell Your 
Girlfriend to Buy 


Volkswagen Cabriolet 


Best Two-Seater 
Under $20,000 


Toyota MR2 Supercharged 


Best Superindulgence Car 
Lamborghini Countach 


Best Basic Car 


Best New Engine Honda Civic 


BMW 750iL 

Best Car to 

Impress Clients: 
Bentley Eight 

Best Winter Car (Tie) 
Audi 90 Quattro and 


Jaguar XJ-S 
Jeep Cherokee aguan 


Best Sedan (Domestic) 
Lincoin Continental 


Best Interstate Cruiser: | 
Mercedes-Benz 
560SEL 


Best Off-Road Vehicle: 
Range Rover 


BMW 750iL 


$7000 to $10,000 (Equipped) 


Best Convertible 
Under $20,000 
Ford Mustang GT 


Best Convertible 
over $20,000 (Tie) 
BMW 325i and 


Best Sedan (Foreign) 


Best Car for a 
California Coast Highway: 


Mazda RX-7 Turbo 
Convertible 


Best Over-all New Car: 
BMW 750il 


Best Suspension 
Mercedes-Benz 560SEL 
Best Car for 

Trouble-Free Operation 
Honda Accord 


Best Engineering 
Innovation 


Honda Prelude Si with 
four-wheel steering 
Best New Feature 


Buick Riviera 
cellular phone 


PLAYBOY”S PANEL OF JUDGES 


Kevin Cogan: After just 86 starts, Califorman Cogan 
spokesperson for Playboy Products, is ranked among the 
top 15 in all-time Indy Car earnings. He finished the 1987 
CART sanctioned PPG Indy Car World Series solidly in the 
top 20 behind the wheel of the Patrick Racing Team's Marl 
boro March Chevrolet and is always a name in contention 
on the grueling Indy Car circuit 


Ken Gross: Author of Driving in the Real World (Playboy. 
September 1987), Gross is an internationally known and 
widely respected automobile writer and marketing consult 
ant. His motorcar savvy has graced the pages of Automo- 
bile Magazine, Auto Gallery and Automobile Quarterly His 
books, on Ferrari (Ferrari 250GT SWB The Definitive 
Car) and BMW (Illustrated BMW Buyer's Guide), 
are two volumes that belong in any car buff's automotive 
library 


William Jeanes: Editor of Car and Driver magazine and long 
time automotive journalist with credits in Playboy The 
Loveliness of the Long Distance Runner (January 1986) 
Parade, Automobile Magazine and Sports Hlustrated, 
Jeanes is à past president of the American Racing Press 
Association and à member of the National Motorsports 
Press Association. He was on last years panel of experts 
for Cars 87. The Best (Playboy, May) 


John Lamm: Road & Track editor at large and well known 
free-lance automotive writer and photographer, Lamm, 


also returning for his second stint on Playboy's car panel, 
earned his motor sport spurs with time at Motor Trend 
magazine and as a Road & Track staffer early in the 
Eighties. His latest project took him to Japan with World 
Driving Champion Phil Hill to do a story on the Grand Prix 
Champion Honda Williams. 


David Stevens: A veteran Playboy employee with more than 
22 years on the magazine staff, Stevens is the Senior Editor 
in charge of Playboy service features. “Anything you can 
drink, drive, eat, smoke, tune, fiddle with or fondle that 
isn't flesh,” he says. Stevens’ automotive forays for the 
magazine date back to 1970. when he raced in the 
Mexican 1000 Road Race for a Playboy article titled Baja's 
Queasy Rider The following year. he crossed the Sahara 
Desert in a Land Rover for another Playboy story a 
journey that took one month ‘Stevens’ personal wheels are 
a nonrunning. 1970 Citroen DS 21 Pallas, a machine that 
he claims will one day rise again 


Brock Yates: Columnist for The Washington Post Magazine 
«nd Car and Driver, author of nearly three dozen articles for 
Playboy and countless other publications, Yates, it seems. 
will eventually write about anything that rides, rolls or 
traverses. He has written for the big screen and managed 
to find time to squeeze several books into his busy 
schedule. 15 there anything that this guy hasn't done? Last 
year he sat on this panel for Cars 87, and this year marks 
the fifth start for his One Lap of America road rally. 


Best Superindulitence 
Car. The vote was four to 
two for Lamborghini's 
rartinyt bull of a vehicle 
the $130,000 Countach, 
which commands respect 
even when ding stilt 
‘Put this baby down in 
northern Australia and an 
abongine tibe would 
worship it,” said Stevens, 
“People stare, wave and 
even stop in their tracks 
when a Countach rum 
bles by You don't have to 
prove a thing, except per 
haps how you paid for it 
was Gross's assertion 
Cogan echoed it. as did 
Yates, who commented 
that "Ralph Nader has 
Hot 10 despise the Coun 
tach, and that's good 
enough for me ” Lamas, 
апа Jeanes's opposition 
votes went to the 
$145,000 Aston Martin 
Volante, which is no 
slouch of a machine, ei 
the imm said, "You 
have to see these cars 
being built to really ap 
preciate hem A true 
cottage industry” 


Best New Engine: Our 
panelists gave the BMW 
750iL 12-cylinder power 
plant a clear mandate, 
with five out of six voting 
for it. “Just when you 
thought it was safe to 
brag about your four- 
valve four-banger . . ." 
quipped Yates, while 
Jeanes declared that 
"the 750iL V12 is noth- 
ing more or less than 
what automobile engines 
ought to be. It's the 
Rolex President of power 


units.” Cogan, whose 
racing career has intro- 
duced him to some very 
potent machinery, point- 
ed out that he is “always 
for more power. And if 
its in a car that handles 
well, that's twice as 
nice.” Stevens and Gross 
also cast their votes for 
the 750iL. Gross. espe- 
cially, waxed euphoric 
about the engine, saying 
that “currently, Mercedes 
and Cadillac are rushing 
their V12s to imitate it 


The Germans love to 
demonstrate that they 
can balance a five-mark 
coin on the intake mani- 
fold while the engine's 
running. It's that 
smoocoooth." Lamm's 
dissenting vote went to 
the Honda Civic. "While 
my head goes with the 
Honda Civic. my heart is 
with the BMW. Before the 
crash in October, | might 
have chosen the BMW, 
but now I have to go with 
the Honda.” 


MORE PICKS 


Best Car to Impress Clients: 
“Impress ‘em? Hell. intimi- 
date them!” said Yates about 
the $98,000 Bentley Eight 
"The Eight's posh interior is 
upholstered and paneled 
like a proper British club 
The price of membership is 
rather bloody steep, though” 
was Gross's comment. 
Stevens agreed, adding that 
in the Bentley, “nobody will 
try to borrow your Grey Pou- 
pon mustard." Jeanes and 
Cogan opted for the Mer- 
cedes-Benz 560SEL. while 
Lamm picked the Jaguar 
XJ6. calling it "the best com- 
bination of newness, plush- 
ness. snobbishness and 
worldliness. 

. 


Best Winter Car: It was a 
dead heat for the Audi 90 
Quattro and the Jeep Chero- 
kee. In the Audi 90's camp 
were Stevens and Lamm, the 
tatter picking it partially 
because "skiers love the 
pass-through-seat feature 
that enables you to carry 
your boards inside the car 
instead of on the roof or in 
the trunk.” Yates and Gross 
picked the Jeep Cherokee 
Yates had the opinion, how- 
ever, that “this tall, tough 
four-wheel-drive tourer 
ought to have its spotty 
quality upgraded by its new 
owner. Chrysler.” Cogan 
chose the BMW 325ix four- 
wheel drive (“If you live 
where it snows, there's noth- 
ing wrong with four-wheel- 
ing in style“). while Jeanes 
went for the Range Rover 
("Nothing else is so Civilized 
and capable. The capital C. 
in this case. is well 
earned”) 

. 


Best Interstate Cruiser: 
Cogan, Jeanes, Stevens and 
Yates all voted for the Mer- 
cedes-Benz 560SEL, Jeanes 
commenting that "the Mer- 
cedes is the great-big car 
Detroit still can't quite figure 
out how to build.” Yates 
quipped that “in it, you can 
outrun the cops with the 
kids asleep in the back 
seat.” Gross's choice was 
the BMW 750iL, while Lamm 


picked the Jaguar XJ6, say- 


ing, "It has the best ride, 
seats and ambience.” 


. 
Best Off-Road Vehicle: "At 
first glance, one might think 
the Range Roveris too 
pricey.” said Lamm about 
Range Rover's incredible 
$33,000 luxury boondock 
machine, “but by the time 
you add options onto some 
of the other vehicles against 
which its selling, it is not 
that far off in price.” Stevens 
agreed, pointing out that the 
Range Rover makes a great 
urban street fighter, too. 
Jeanes also liked it, though 
his heart is with the Range 
Rover's more primitive older 
brother, the Land Rover. 
Gross's vote went to the Jeep 
Wrangler (“It'll eat a Suzuki 
for breakfast’); Yates liked 
the Nissan Pathfinder (“Just 
the thing for a tour of the 
Iran-Iraq war front”); and 
Cogan picked the GMC 
S-Jimmy ("When you are 
really off the road, you want 
dependability to avoid 
becoming a pedestrian"). 

. 
Best Car to Tell Your Girl- 
friend to Buy: The Volkswag- 
en Cabriolet was the topless 
turn-on for three of our pan- 
elists, with Lamm caution- 
ing that you should suggest, 
rather than tell her: “1 like 
my women to be fun-loving, 
and that means convert- 
ibles " Other votes went to 
the Honda Prelude Si with 
four-wheel steering, which, 
according to Gross. “looks 
very tricky in new Barbados 
yellow"; the Nissan Pulsar, 
whose design, according to 
Jeanes, “displays that rarest 
of qualities—uniqueness '; 
and the Honda CRX Si, about 
which Yates said, “Just be 
sure this little sucker isn't 
cuter than your girlfriend. 


. 
Best Basic Car $7000 to 
$10,000 (Equipped): It was 
four to two for the Honda 
Civic over the Toyota Tercel 
Lamm commented that "it 
was really a tie with the Ter- 
cel, but the Honda wins on 
style points.” Yates thought, 
"One puzzles over what 
might have happened if 
Honda had been a serious 


player in World War Two.” 
Stevens and Cogan picked 
the Tercel, about which 
Cogan said, "It's a very solid 
choice for those who are 
careful with their money.” 

. 
Best Convertible Under 
$20,000: The Ford Mustang 
GT galloped away with five of 
the six votes, with Cogan 
hanging tough for the Toyota 
Celica. “| always approach 
the Mustang GT thinking, 
Well, | wonder how the old 
fart is doing. Then | get in 
the car, let that V8 do its 
work and come away hoping 
Г be as up to date when l'm 
an old fart,” said Lamm 
Jeanes agreed: “Ford keeps 
sawing off the teeth on this 
‘one and adding claws and 
muscle. Its just a hell of a 
car, despite its aged 
design.” Grosss comment: 
"Great gobs of horsepower 
and a fliptop that folds. The 
Mustang evokes those 
‘finest kind’ Fifties feelings, 
and the sticker won't break 
your bank account." Cogan's 
opinion of the Celica: "Built 
to last, this car should blow 
your hair for years to come.” 

. 
Best Convertible Over 
$20,000: The BMW 325! 
and the Jaguar XJ-S tied for 
first, with one vote each 
going to the Ford Mustang 
GT (Yates picked it even 
though the cars price is 
under $20,000, calling the 
machine “the classiest top- 
less American since Mari- 
lyn Monroe posed nude") 
and the Saab 900 Turbo. 
"The Jag is a real prow! car.” 
commented Stevens, "and 
the fact that in 1988 they'll 
be made on an assembly 
line instead of being con- 
versions makes them even 
more desirable." Cogan 
agreed. saying. "It's a clas- 
sic now and will continue to 
be in the future." Lamm and 
Gross both picked the 325i. 
Gross's comment: “The Yup- 
pie's favorite fliptop is a 
cinch to operate .. апа it's 
built like a little bank vault 
stuffed with D-marks 
Jeanes called the Saab 900 
“a drophead that not only 
works but also has a person- 


OF THE PACK 


ality. A strange personality. 
of course. but it wouldn't be 
a Saab otherwise.” 

. 
Best Sedan (Domestic): The 
Lincoln Continental is “the 
best of a still so-so lot,” 
said Gross. "Americans may 
build great sedans when 
they raise their speed limits 
to autobahn levels.” Four 
other panelists agreed that 
the new Continental was 
no con job. “Sorry, General 
Motors, but Ford has done 
it again," was Lamm's opin- 
ion. "While G.M. makes 
statements, Ford makes 
good cars. However. the 
Pontiac Bonneville SSE also 
gets high points. It's just 


that it has a sort of unneces- 


sary G.M. glitz about it." 
Jeanes agreed that the Lin- 
coin Continental comes 
closer to the standards set 
by Mercedes and BMW 
than anything ever built in 
this country. Yates added, 
“Now, guys, hold the opera 
lights and the moon roof; 
it’s fine just the way it is 
Cogan cast the lone dis- 
senting vote, opting for the 
Cadillac Sedan de Ville 
with touring suspension. “A 
very nice feel for a domes- 
tic. Long trips are made 
shorter in this one.” 


. 
Best Sedan (Forelgn): BMW 
edged out Mercedes-Benz 
їп a close decision, three 
panelists (Gross, Jeanes 
and Stevens) voting for the 
750iL (Gross drove it at 
260 kph on the Frankfurt 
autobahn and said that 
“even Porsches pull over 
when they see those 
flattened kidney grilles") 
and two (Lamm and Yates) 
putting their money on the 
Mercedes 300E. (Lamm 
called it "still the best 
four-door sedan in the 
world. Period.”) Cogan al- 
so went for a Mercedes but 
picked another model — 
the 560SEL— saying that 
"it's expensive, but if that 
doesn't matter, there is no 
other choice." 

. 
Best Car for a California 
Coast Highway: Voting was 
(concluded on page 154) 


her favorite movie was the boy in the plastic 
bubble—that should have told me something 


HERE was по ех- 
change of body fluids 
on the first date, and 
that suited both of us just 
fine. 1 picked her up at sev- 
en, took her to Mee Grop, where she 
meticulously separated cach sliver of 
meat from her phat Thai, watched her 
down four bottles of Singha at three dol- 
lars per and then gently stroked her bal- 
sam-smelling hair while she snoozed 
through The Terminator at the Circle 
Shopping Center theater. We had a late- 
night drink at Rigoletto’s Pizza Bar (and 
two slices, plain cheese), and I dropped 
her off. The moment we pulled up in 
front of her apartment, she had the door 
open. She turned to me with the long, el- 
cgant, mournful face of her Puritan an- 
cestors and held out her hand. 
“It’s been fun,” she said. 
“Yes,” I said, taking her hand. 


She was wearing gloves. 

“РЇЇ call you,” she said. 

“Good,” I said, giving her my richest 
smile. “And ГЇЇ call you.” 

Б 

Оп the second date, we got acquaint- 
ed. 

“I can't tell you what a strain it was 
for me the other night,” she said, staring 
down into her chocolate-mocha-fudge 
sundae. It was early afternoon, we were 
in Helmut's Olde Tyme Ice Cream Par- 
lorin Mamaroncck and the sun streamed 
through the thick frosted windows and 
lighted the place like a convalescent 
home. The fixtures glowed behind the 
counter, the brass rail was buffed to a 
reflective sheen and everything smelled 
of disinfectant. We were the only people 
in the place. 

“What do you mean?” І said, my 
mouth (continued on page 116) 


ILLUSTRATION BY OLIVIA DE BERARDINIS 


113 


ho’s 
in charge 
here? 

an irreverent 


look at election 
year notables 


humor By Gerald Gardner 


1 wos elected 
President twice. 


You make one 
little mistake. 


My wife 


We're going to Will that offect 
believes me. 


hove o fourth living æa our lecture fees? 
ex-President. 


Do you know onything 
besides Bridge over 
Troubled Waters? 


PLAYBOY 


116 


MODERN LOVE (ou from page 113) 


< felt the soft flicker of her lips against mine. I love 


you,’ she said, T think.’” 


glutinous with melted marshmallow and 
caramel. 

“1 mean Thai food, the seats in the 
movie theater, the ladies’ room in that 
place, for God's sake. ... .” 

“Thai food?” I wasn't following her. I 
recalled the maneuver with the strips of 
pork and the fastidious dissection of the 
glass noodles. "You're a vegetarian?” 

She looked away in exasperation and 
then gave me the full wide-eyed shock of 
her ice-blue eyes. “Have you seen the 
health-department statistics on sanitary 
conditions in ethnic restaurants?” 

Thadn’t. 

Her eyebrows leaped up. She was 
earnest. She was lecturing. “These peo- 
ple are refugees. They havc—well, 
different standards. They haven't even 
been inoculated.” I watched her dig the 
tiny spoon into the recesses of the dish 
and part her lips for a neat, foursquare 
morsel of ice cream and fudge. “The ille- 
gals, anyway. And that’s half of them.” 
She swallowed with an almost impercep- 
tible movement, a shudder, her throat 
dipping and rising like a gazelle's. “I got 
drunk from fear,” she said. “Blind panic. 
I couldn't help thinking I'd wind up with 
hepatitis or dysentery or dengue fever or 
something.” 

“Dengue fever?” 

“I usually bring a disposable sanitary 
sheet for public theaters—just think of 
who might have been in that seat before 
you, and how many times, and what sort 
of nasty festering little cultures of this 
and that there must be in all those an- 
cient dribbles of taffy and Coke and ex- 
tra-butter popcorn—but I didn't want 
you to think I was too extreme or any- 
thing on the first date, so I didn't. And 
then the ladies’ room. . . 2 She ducked 
her head and I ncarly fell into her eyes. 
“l mean, after all that beer, . . . You 
don't think I’m overreacting, do you?” 

As a matter of fact, 1 did. Of course 1 
did. I liked Thai food—and sushi and 
ginger crab and greasy souvlaki at the 
corner stand, too. There was the look of 
the mad saint in her cye, the obsessive, 
the mortifier of the flesh, but I didn’t 
care. She was lovely, wilting, dlear-eyed 
and pure, as cool and matchless as if 
she'd stepped out of a Pre-Raphaelite 
painting, and I was in love. Besides, 
1 tended a little that way myself. 
Hypochondria. Anal retentiveness. The 
ordered environment and alphabetized 
books. I was a 33-year-old bachelor, I 
carried some scars and I read the news- 
papers—herpes, AIDS, the Asian clap 


that foiled every antibiotic in the book. 1 
was willing to take it slow. “No,” I said, 
"I don't think you're overreacting at 
all.” 

T paused to draw in a breath so deep i а 
might have been a sigh. “I'm sorry,” 
iving her a doglike look E 
. "I didn't know. 

She reached out then and touched my 
hand—touched it, skin to skin—and 
murmured that it was all right; she'd 
been through worse. "If you want to 
know,” she breathed, “I like places like 
this.” 

I glanced around. The place was still 
empty but for Helmut, in a blinding- 

hite jump suit and toque, studiously 
polishing the tile walls. 
you mean," I said. 


“I know what 


б 

We dated for а month—museums, 
drives in the country, French and Ger- 
man restaurants, ice-cream emporiums, 
fern bars—before we kissed. And when 
we kissed, after a showing of David and 
Lisa at a revival house all the way up in 
Rhincbcck and on a night so cold nv 1 un- 
of-thc-mill bacterium or commonplace 
virus could have survived it, it was the 
merest brushing of the lips. She was 
wearing a big-shouldered coat of synthet- 
ic fur and a knit hat pulled down over 
her brows, and she hugged my arm as we 
stepped out of the theater and into the 
blast of the night. “God,” she said, “did 
you see him when he screamed, ‘You 
touched me!'? Wasn't that priceles: 
Her eyes were big and she seemed wei 
ly excited. 

“Sure,” I said, “yeah, it was great,” 
and then she pulled me close and kissed 
me. I felt the soft flicker of her lips 
against mine. 

“I love you,” she said, “I thi 

A month of dating and one dry, 
fluttering kiss. At this point, you might 
begin to wonder about me; but really, I 
didn't mind. As I say, I was willing to 
wait—I had the patience of Sisyphus— 
and it was enough just to be with her. 
Why rush things? I thought. This is 
good, this is charming, like the slow, 
sweet unfolding of the romance in a 
Frank Capra movie, where sweetness 
and light always prevail. Sure, she had 
her idiosyncrasies, but who didn’t? 
Frankly, I'd never been comfortable with 
the three-drinks, dinner-and-bed sort of 
thing, the girls who come on like they've 
been in prison for six years and just got 
out in time to put on their make-up and 
jump into the passenger scat of your car. 


Breda—that was her name, Breda 
Drumhill, and the very sound and syl- 
labification of it made me melt—was 
different. 


. 

Finally, two weeks after the trek to 
Rhinebeck, she invited me to her apart- 
ment. Cocktails, she said. Dinner. A 
quiet evening in front of the tube. 

She lived in Croton, on the ground 
floor of a restored Victorian, half a mile 
from the Harmon station, where she 
caught the train each morning for Man- 
hattan and her job as an editor of Anthro- 
pology Today. She'd held the job since 
graduating from Barnard six years earli- 
er (with a double major in Rhetoric and 
Alien Cultures), and it suited her tem- 
perament perfectly. Field anthropolo- 
gists living among the River Dayak of 
Borneo or the Kurds of Kurdistan would 
send her rough and grammatically tor- 
tured accounts of their observations and 
she would whip them into shape for pop- 
ular consumption. Naturally, filth and 
exotic disease, as well as outlandish cus- 
toms and revolting habits, played leading 
roles in her rewrites. Every other day or 
so, she'd call me from work and in a 
voice that could barely contain its joy 
give me the details of some new and hor- 
rific disease she'd discovered. 

She met me at the door in a silk 
kimono that featured a plun; 
and a pair of dragons with 
tails. Her hair was pinned up as i shed 
just stepped out of the bath, and she 
smelled of Noxzema and Phisoderm. She 
pecked my cheek, took the bottle of Vou- 
vray I held out in offering and led me in- 
to the front room. “Chagas’ disease," she 
said, grinning wide to show off her per- 
fect, outsized teeth. 

“Chagas disease?" I echoed, not quite 
knowing what to do with myself. The 
room was as spare as a monk's cell. Two 
chairs, a love seat and a coffee table, in 
glass, chrome and hard black plastic. No 
plants (“God knows what sort of insects 
might live on them—and the dirt, the 
dirt has got to be crawling with bacteria, 
not to mention spiders and worms and 
things”) and по rug ("A breeding 
ground for fleas and ticks and chig- 
gers”). 

Still grinning, she steered me to the 
hard-black-plastic love seat and sat 
down beside me, the Vouvray cradled in 
her lap. “South America,” she whis- 
pered, her eyes leaping with excitement. 
“In the jungle. These bugs—assassin 
bugs, they’re called; isn’t that wild? 
These bugs bite you, and then, after 
they've sucked on you awhile, they go 
potty next to the wound. When you 
scratch, it gets into your blood stream, 
and anywhere from one to twenty years 
later, you get a disease that’s like a cross 
between malaria and AIDS.” 

(continued on page 146) 


“Louis sees me as the wind beneath his wings.” 


117 


18 


THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 


essay By DAN GREENBURG 


ow Loxc has lingerie been around? It has certainly 

] ] been around for quite a bit longer than Freder- 

ick’s of Hollywood. Although lingerie as we 

know it today was actually invented in 1723 by a 

Parisian professor of art named Jean-Pierre Lingerie (pronounced 

Lan-zhe-ree, incidentally—not Lawn-zhe-ray, which refers to a form 

of lingerie, the grass underskirt, worn on Oahu), there are definite 

indications of a rudimentary type of lingerie in the Homo habilis fos- 

sils unearthed by anthropologist Louis Leakey at the Olduvai Gorge 
in Tanzania. 

Thirty thousand years ago, Cro-Magnon woman was thought to 
have used garter snakes to hold up her stockings, and before that, 
Australopithecus Prometheus woman apparently wore the skins of 
koala bears—the first teddies. 

But back to Professor Lingerie. On a Thursday evening in Decem- 
ber of 1723, an event occurred in his drafty studio in Montmartre, 
where he taught life-drawing classes, that would alter forever not 


only the professor’s own life but the very fabric of fashion history. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


120 


n this chilly December night, Professor Lingerie's nude model Mimi, a 

plump young woman from the Pigalle district, had complained of goose 

O bumps. Mimi asked the professor if she could be permitted to cover herself, if 

only till the goose bumps flattened a bit, and Lingerie said, What was the 

point of drawing from the human body if that body were draped in folds that totally concealed it, 
for God’s sake? 

Teeth chattering, Mimi persisted. Exasperated, Lingerie looked about for something that 
might warm his model without totally obscuring her voluptuous figure. He spied a piece of white 
silk he’d been using as a paint rag—part of an old formal gown, long since discarded by his wife. 
He seized it, then swiftly and irritably fashioned it into a makeshift bra and step-ins. He then 
fitted his hurriedly constructed garments over the shivering young woman and returned to scruti- 
nizing his students’ sketch pads. 

But his students—all young men in their сапу 20s—scemed paralyzed. They were inexpli- 
cably unable to move, unable to hear his entreaties to continue drawing, unable to do anything 
but stand and stare at the model now draped in two hastily fashioned scraps of paint-smeared 
white silk. Lingerie turned and looked in the direction of their stares and realized he had unwit- 
tingly created something even perkier than a naked lady. 

That night was to be Professor Lingerie’s last at teaching life drawing or anything else. He 
abandoned all his students and threw himself obsessively into the design and manufacture of 
what he called le cou- 
vert contre le vent—lit- 
erally, “the cover 
against the wind.” His 
supply of paint- 
smeared white silk 
soon gave out, how- 
ever, and he was 
eventually forced to 


experiment with other 


materials—silk Char- 
meuse, satin, Lycra, 
nylon tricot, rayon acetate, polyspandex. It was to be six more weeks before he realized that the 
new materials did not need to be smeared with paint. 

Often students ask, “Did Lingerie invent the panty?” Well, he did have a hand in it. Here's 
what happened. By March of 1724, Lingerie had created a line of intimate apparel that was the 
talk of Paris. An entrepreneur named Jacques Panty then struck a deal with Lingerie. 


anty wanted to market Lingerie’s creations, but he thought the appellation le 


couvert contre le vent too cumbersome for print ads. 
Panty proposed to Lingerie that the new product be called simply 


panties. Lingerie was livid and accused Panty of being a self-aggrandizing 
egomaniac. Fearing that he was risking blowing a good thing, Panty quickly recanted, suggesting 
that an even better name might be lingerie, and the professor perked right up. 

To this day, intimate apparel the world over is known as lingerie, and only underpants are 
known as panties. 

Scholars have also been confused about the origin of the term Merry Widow. A few bio- 
graphical facts will help. 

Madame Geneviève Lingerie was the neglected and long-suffering wife of the professor, who 
spent as many as seven days a week—and often nights as well—laboring in his atclicr, creating 
slips, corsets, chemises, peignoirs, camisoles, teddies and bustiers pampered with princess seam- 
ing and Chantilly lace. Designing, cutting, sewing, fitting and altering his creations on the actual 
bodies of young Parisian models, Lingerie found the hours he was able to spend at home shrink- 
ing to an alarming degree. 

Indeed, in the seven years following the appearance of his prototypes for the full-cut brief 
and the demicup underwire bra with front closure, Lingerie was home so infrequently that one 
evening when he entered their bedroom and prepared for bed, his wife screamed and claimed not 
to recognize him. 

But tragedy was 
soon to overtake Lin- 
gerie. Working late 
one night in his atel- 
ier, the overzealous 
inventor got his head 
tangled in the straps of 


a prototype garter belt 


he was fitting on one of 
his young models, and 
before the startled girl 
knew what was happening, the professor had turned blue and strangled to death. 

When news of her husband’s untimely demise reached Madame Lingerie, she reportedly 
burst into near-hysterical Jaughter that did not subside until the family physician administered a 
sedative some 12 days later. Cynical neighbors dubbed Madame Lingerie the Merry Widow, and 


the name stuck, to be subsequently co-opted by a Hungarian composer of operettas. 


126 


estern scholars have long known that the best lingerie has always come from 
France, Italy and the United States; but recently, the Russians have entered 
the field and are trying hard to be competitive. I am often asked what it is 
like and how serious a threat it is to our own. 

While NATO nations have always excelled in the design and manufacture of state-of-the-art 
lingerie, lately, Communist-bloc countries have made serious inroads into what was once a pri- 
marily Western industry. The Slavic product is predictably weak on delicacy and sensuality but 
is effective protection in contact sports, in the operation of heavy machinery and for use by female 
military personnel in the frigid climate of Afghanistan. 

An impressive display of combat lingerie was noted by Western observers in Moscow's Red 
Square at last year’s May Day parade. Squads of grim-faced, solidly built women commandos 
trooped past the reviewing stand, decked out in canvas push-up bras, burlap bikini panties, 
garter belts madeofindustrial- 
strength nylon webbing and 
chain-link fish-net stockings. 

Although lingerierepresent- 
atives in New York, Paris and 
Milan have maintained a 
public posture of noncha- 
lance and even disdain for the 
Soviet product, privately, 
Western manufacturers of in- 
timate apparel are plotzing. 
They feel that there is a dan- 
gerous surplus of lingerie in 
the market place and that it 
threatens an already shaky 
world economy. 

Millions of Bolshevik un- 
derpants are stored in Rus- 
sia’s northern latitudes, along 
what has come to be known 


as the V.P.L., or Visible 


Panty Line. Secretary of State George Shultz and Soviet foreign minister Eduard Shevardnadze 
have agreed to high-level East-West talks to discuss banning all medium- and high-cut briefs 


from the international market, if a means of effective on-site verification can be agreed upon. 


AUN 
NON 
N SNS N 
PENNA 
To MUN 
Na 


TIO IM WEA 


ost people know singer-songuriler 

Tom Waits as the poet of late-night 
metropolitan areas, the bard of smoky 
lounges and cue-ball moons. But lately, 
Waits has been experimenting, both on his 
past three albums, which have included 
songs пайга together from pieces of “found 
sound” —deafening jackhammers, sirens, 
strains of an Irish jig—and as an actor 
("Тһе Cotton Club,” “Down by Law,” 
“Ironweed”). Writer Steve Oney showed up 
at a favorite Waits hangout, a seedy café on 
the fringes of downtown L.A. “Waits, now 
37, arrived looking wild-haired and mystic- 
eyed and dressed in a parson’s black suit 
and tie,” he reports. “He was insistent upon 
talking into a tape recorder for fear of being 
misquoted, but he began the conversation 
with the warning, Tm gomg lo pull your 
string from time to time. " 


L 


rLaveow: In spite of the fact that your al- 
bums have won you a loyal following, 
your work is rarely heard on the radi 
What kind of payola do you think it 
would take to get disc jockcys in Des 
Moines to play a few cuts from Franks 
Wild Years? 
warts: Send them some frozen Cornish 
game hens. That would probably do the 
trick. Or maybe some Spencer steaks 
The people who succeed today essential- 
ly write jingles. It's an epidemic. Even 
worse are artists aligning themselves 
with various products, everything from 
Chrysler-Plymouth to Pepsi. 1 don't sup- 
port it, I hate it. So there 


2. 


у in your career, some of 
igs—lor instance, ОР "55, which 
Eagles covered—hecame hits, and 


Р almost all of them, 
rocks hack iets r 
alle poet ШЫ Bente 
makes noise 'y¥—especially on 
about music, 
movies, seedy 
bars and 


PLAYBOY 


your past three 
albums— you've 
moved from hum- 
mable tunes to 
what you call “or- 
ganized no 


5 Why? 
taking the kids wns 1 was cue 
ЕН ting off a усу 
small piece of 
to disneylan A 
E do. I wasn't. get- 
ing down the 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RUVEN AFANADOR 


2 0 Que 


things 1 was really hearing and experi- 
encing. Music with a lot of strings gets 
like Perry Como after a while. It's why I 
don't really work with the piano much 
anymore. Like, anybody who plays the 
piano would thrill at seeing and heari 
one thrown off a 12-story building, 
watching it hit the sidewalk and being 
there to hear that thump. It’s like school. 
You want to watch it burn. 
3. 

mavnov: To create a marketable pop 
song, do you have to sell out? 

warrs: Popular music is like a big party, 
and it’s a thrill s 
being invited. Every once in a wl 
guy with his shirt on inside out, w 
lipstick and a pillbox hat, gets a chance 
to speak. Гус always been afraid 1 was 
going to tap the world on the shoulder for 
20 years and when it finally turned 
around, I was going to forget what I had 
to say. 1 was always afraid I was going to 
do something in the studio and hate il, 
put it out, and it was going to become a 
hit, So Pm neurotic about it. 


4. 


PLwBOY: Who was Harry Partch, and 
what did he mean to you? 

warts: He was an innovator. He built all 
his own instruments and kind of took the 
American hobo experience and designed 
instruments from ideas he gathered trav- 
cling around the United States in the 
Thirties and Forties. He used a pump or- 
gan and industrial water bottles, created 
enormous marimbas. He died in the ear- 
ly Seventies, but the Harry Partch 
Ensemble still performs at festivals. It's 
a little arrogant to say 1 see a relation- 
ship between his stull and minc. I'm very 
crude, but I use things we hear around 
us all the time, built and found instru- 
ments—things that aren't normally con- 
ered instruments: dragging a chair 
across the floor or hitting the side of a 
locker real hard with a two-by-four, a 
freedom bell, a brake drum with a major 
imperfection, a police bullhorn. It's 
more interesting. You know, 1 don't like 
straight lines. The problem is that most 
instruments are square and music is al- 
ys round. 


5. 


Considering your predisposi- 
tions, which modern artists do you like to 
listen 10? 

watts: Prince. He's out there. He's un- 
compromising. He's a real fountainhead. 


PLAYBOY: 


S TION $ 


Vi 


Takes dangerous chances. He's androgy- 
nous, wicked, voodoo. The Replace- 
ments have a great stance. They like 
distortion. Their concerts are like insect 
rituals. I like a lot of rap stuff, because 
real, immediate. Generally, I like 


things as they begin, because the indus- 
try tears at you. Most artists come out 
the other side like a dead carp 


6. 


mavnoy: What do you think of when you 
hear the name Barry Manilow? 

warts: Expensive furniture and clothes 
that you don't feel good in. 


7: 


PLAYBOY: In your musical carcer, you've 
tied to retain maximum creative con- 
wol; yet within the past few years, you've 
become more and more involved in the 
most collaborative of all media, theater 
and film. What's the attraction? 

warts: It’s thrilling to see the insanity of 
all these people brought together like this 
life-support system to create somet 
that’s really made out of smoke. The 
same thing draws me to it that draws me 
to making records—you fashion these 
things and ideas into your own monster 
ICs making dreams. I like that 


8. 


тлувоу: In Ironweed, you worked with 
Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep. What 
did you learn from them? 

wars: Nicholson's a consummate story- 
teller, He's like a great bard. He says he 
knows about beauty parlors and train- 
yards and everything in between. You 
can learn a lot from just watching him 
open a window or tie his shoes. It’s great 
to be privy to those things. I watched cv- 
crything—watched them build charac- 
ters fiom pieces of things in people they 
have known. It's like they build a doll 
om Grandmother's mouth and Aunt 
Betty's walk and Ethel Merman's pos- 
ture, then they push their own truthful 
feelings through that exterior. They're 
great at it. 


9. 
PLAYBOY: Have there been musical bene- 
fits from involvement in theater and film? 


wars: Just that Pm more comfortable 
stepping into characters in songs. On 
Franks Wild Years, 1 did it in I'll Take New 
York and Straight to the Top. Vvc learned 
how to be different musical characters 
hout feeling like Im celipsing myself. 
On the contrary, you discover a whole 


PLAYBOY 


130 


family living inside you. 
10. 


т.лувөу: Three years ago, you made much 
ado about leaving Los Angeles lor Man- 
п. You praised New Y. 
for shoes,” but now ус 
fornia. What happened? 
wars: I was developing tourette syn- 
drome. I was blurting out obscenities in 
the middle of Eighth Avenue. | turned 


an eraserhead. Bur it’s been arrested 
With rescarch, there is hope. 
п. 


PLAYBOY: If you were to give a tour of L. 
what sights would you include? 

эмт»: Let's sec. For chicken, I suggest the 
Red Wing Hatchery near Tweedy Lane in 
south central L.A, We're talking both 
fryers and ritual chickens. Hang one over 
the door to keep out evil spirits; the other 
goes on your plate with paprika. For your 
other shopping needs, wy B.C.D. Market 
on Temple. Best produce in town; also 
good pig knuckles, always important in 
your dining plans. Ask for Bruce. Below 
the Earth, on Hill Strect, is the best spot 
for female impersonators; then you're go- 
ing to want to be looking into those pickled 
eggs at the Frolic Room, by the bus sta- 
tion. Guy behind the bar has the same 
birthday as me, and his name is Tom. Fi- 
nally, you have to take in Bongo Bean, 
who plays the sax on the sidewalk in front 
of the Hotel Figueroa, We're talking Pen- 
nies from Heaven time. Bongo is tall, good- 
looking, there most every night. Accept no 
substitutes. 


A, 


12. 


mavsoy: While L.A. may be your stomping 
grounds, your other great love is the wee- 
hours world of America’s big cities. From 
all your travels, what have been your fa- 
vorite dives? 

The Ste 


WAITS? ing Hotel, in Cleveland 


Great lobby. Good place to sit with the old 


men and watch Rock Hudson movies, 
Then there's the Wilmont Hotel, in 
Chicago. The woman behind the desk, her 


son's the Marlboro man. There's the 
Alamo Hotel, in Austin, Texas, where I 
rode in an elevator one night with Sam 
Houston Johnson. He spit tobacco juice 
into a cup while we talked. Let's see: The 
Swiss American Hotel is San Francisco's 
insane asylum, ‘The Paradise Motel, right 
here on Sunset in L.A. Is nice in the sum- 
mer when there's a carnival across the 
street. And, oh, the Tali. 1 think they're a 
chain. You can probably get off a train in 
just about any town, get into a taxi and 
say, “Take me to the Taft Hotel” and wind 
up somewhere unsavory. Yeah, say, “Take 
me to the ‘Taft, and step on it.” 


13. 


Despite your reputation and 
s that glorify hard living and carous- 
ng, you've been married seven years and 
have two children, How do you balance 
your domestic and creative lives? 
warts: My wife's been great. Гус learned a 
lot from her. She's Irish Catholic. She 
got the whole dark forest 1 
her. She pushes me into areas I would 
not go, and I'd say that a lot of the things 
Um trying to do now, she’s encouraged. 
And the kids? Creatively, they're astonish- 
ing. The way they draw, you know? Right 
off the page and onto the wall. It's like you 
wish you could be that open. 


14. 


mavsov: Do you do all-Ame 
things, such as go to Disneyland? 

warrs: Disneyland is Vegas for children. 
When I went with the kids, I just about 
had a stroke. It’s the opposite of what they 
say it is. It's not a place to nurture the 
imagination. I's just a big clearance sale 
for useless items. I'm not going back, and 


AYBOY 


ican-dad 


“Something to give me a heightened sensitivity to 
the promises of life.” 


ng inside of 


the kids won't be allowed to return until 
they're 18, out of the house, And even 
then, I would block their decision. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Your songwriting technique is 
very unusual. Instead of sitting down at a 
piano or synthesizer, you hole up alone 
somewhere with nothing but a tape r 
corder. Why do you work that way? 
warts: I don't want to sound spiritual, but 
1 try to make an antenna out of myself, 
lightning rod out of myself, so whatever is 
out there can come in. It happens 
different places, in hotels, in the car— 
when someone else is driving. 1 bang on 
things, slap the wall, break things —what- 
ever is in the room. There are all these 
things in the practical world that you deal 
with on a practical level, and you don't no- 
е them as anything but what you need 
them to be. But when Fm writing, all 
these things turn into something else, and 
1 see them differently—almost like Гус 
taken a narcotic. Somebody once said I'm 
not a musician but а tonal engineer. | like 
that. It's kind of clinical and primitive at 
the same time. 


a 


16. 


mavsov: While you may strive for musical 
crudity, lyrically you're quite sop 
ed—interior rhymes, classical allu 
and your hallmark, a great car for the ver- 
nacular. In a sense, you're the William Sa- 
fire of street patois, rescuing such phrases 
as walking Spanishi—incbriated saunter— 
and even coining some pretty good lingo of 
your own, such as rain dogs: stray people 
who, like animals after a shower, can't find 
their markings and wander aimlessly 

What are some of your other favorite bi 
of slang, phrases you'd like to see get more 
everyday usc? 

wairs: For starters, I'd like to sce the term 
wooden kimono retum to the lexicon. 
Means collin. Think it originated in New 
Orleans, but I'm not certain. Another one 


В 


I like is wolf tickets, which means bad 
news, as 
generally insubordinate. In a sentence, 
you'd say, "Don't fuck with me, I'm pass- 
ing out wolf tickets.” Think it's either 
Baltimore Negro or turn-of-the-century 
railroadese. There's one more. Don't know 
where it came from, but I like it: Satur- 
daynightitis. Now, it’s what happens to 
your arm when you hang it around a cha 
all night at the movies or in some bar, try 
ing to make points with a pretty girl. 
When your arm goes dead from that sort 
of action, you've got Satur ightitis. 


someone who is bad news or 


тлувоу: You ha 
hear music over a cra 
than over the best sound system. What's 
the matter with a good CD player? 

wars: Î like to take music out of the en 
tit was grown in. I guess I'm al- 
ways aware of the atmosphere that Um 
listening to something in as much as I am 


nma 


of what I'm listening to. It can influence 
the music. 105 like listening to Mahalia 
Jackson as you drive acre vas. Th 

different from hearing her in church. It's 
like taking a Victrola into the jungle, you 
know? The music then has an entirely 
different quality. You integrate it into your 
world and it doesn’t become the focus of it 
but a condiment. It becomes the sound 
track for the film that you're I 


18. 


bravo: Your score for One from the Heart 
was nominated for an Oscar, Did you en- 
joy writing it enough to try another? 
wats: Working on One from the Heart was 
almost a Brill Building approach to song- 

g—sitting at a piano in an office, 
writing songs like jokes. I had always had 
that fantasy, so I jumped at the chance to 
do it. Гус been offered other films, but Гуе 
turned "em down. The director comes to 
you and says, “Here, I've got this ching 
here, this broken toy." And in some cases, 
Can you fix it?" Or maybe he 
st wants interior decorating or a haircut, 
So you have to be sure you're the right 
man for the job. Sort of like being a doctor. 
Rest in bed; get plenty of fluids. 


19. 


maveov: You've remarked that Franks 
Wild Years is the end of a musical period 
for you, the last part of a trilogy of albums 
that began with Suwordfishtromboues. Have 
you turned a corner? Is this album your 
last experimentation with the scavenger 
school of songwriting? 
wairs: I don't know if I turned a corner, 
but I opened a door. I kind of found а new 
scam. 1 threw rocks at the window. Im 
not as frightened by technology maybe as 
I used to be. On the past three albums, 1 
was exploring the hydrodynamics ol my 
own peculiarities. 1 don't know what the 
nest one will be. Harder, maybe louder 
Things are now a little more psychedelic 
for mc, and they're more ethnic. I’m look- 
ing toward that part of music that comes 
from my me g Los Tres Aces 
at the Continental Club with my dad when 
I was a kid. 


20. 


riavroy: How far would you go to avoid 
getting a star on Hollywood Boulevard? 
waits; I don't think it works that way. It's 
pretty much that you pay for it. Pm not 
big on awards. They're a lot of head- 
lights stapled to your chest, as Bob Dylan 
said. I've gotten only one award in my life, 
from a place called Club Tenco in Italy 
They gave me a gı made out of tiger- 
eye. Club Tenco was crea an alterna- 
tive to the big San Remo al ch 
every усаг, It’s to commemorate the death 
i whose name was Tenco and 
self in the heart because he'd 
lost at the San Remo Festival. For a while, 
it was popular in Italy for singers to shoot 
themselves in the heart. That's my award. 


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| BRINGING | 
THE WAR 
BACK HOME 


Forest Whitaker, a 
big bear of an ac 
tor with the soft 
est voce, is still 


FASTFORWARD 
ШШШ 


emocracy is a growth business,” declares John Aristotle making his name 
ips, 32, who ought to know. His Washington, D.C.— H 1n uniform. A veter- 

based company, Aristotle Industries, is the nation’s first an of Platoon. he's at 
and largest political-campaign-software company; it stream- So appearing in this 
lines campaign chores such as fund raising, mailings and years take on the war, 
polling, and sells the programs at prices even a novice pol can Good Morning, Vietnam. a 
afford. "We're making political technology available to anyone M*A*S*Hlike dark comedy 
who wants to take part in the democratic process," explains starring Robin Williams as an 
Phillips. A tireless self-promoter, he unashamedly calls his compa- Armed Forces radio disc jockey. 
ny a ^K mart for office seekers.” (In addition to selling franchises, | always wanted to do a project 
I. offers a frequent-buyer plan, with VCRs and cruises among on Vietnam, the right project 
the incentives.) Phillips is no stranger to notoriety—he was When Platoon came along. | knew 
dubbed the “A-bumb kid à Princeton junior in 1976, when his it was it," Whitaker says. "I think 
rescarch paper on how to build a nuclear bomb almost fell into the war still needs to be under 
Pakistani hands and triggered a diplomatic storm—but the 1988 stood." A product o! the USC 
campaigns should give him and his I1-ycar-old company plenty of School of Drama, Whitaker, 26. 
attention. Already, more than 2000 winners and losers have hustled a memorable game of pool 
bought the software, and current customers include Representa- from Paul Newman in The Color of 
tive Richard Gephardt, Senator Lloyd Bentsen and ABC, which Money, played a detective in 
uses it to analyze candidates’ financial Stakeout and has learned the sax 
backgrounds. Although Phillips himself to play Charlie Parker in his upcom 
undertook two unsuccessful Congres- ing film biography. “I don't mind 

sional campaigns (1980 and 1982 if | play good guys or bad or 
Connecticut as a Democrat, he crazy guys." Whitaker says. "as 

ong as they have something to 
АМҮ ENGELER 


TONY COSTA 


maintains a strictly nonpartisan 
stance when it comes to business. Say 
‘After all,” he reckons, "if we sold 

to only one side, we'd have 
twice as much. "ED DWYER 


Serious Laughs 


It's no wonder that Margaret Smith, 33, 

is known as the Emily Dickinson of 
comedy. She looks frail, frazzled and 
deadly serious, even on stage at a 
comedy club, where she mumbles 
sorry-sounding punch lines about 

her alienated social life and her 

crackpot family. "It's that time of 

the month again," she sighs. 

“The rent's due." Her romantic 

life is terrible—“I'm always 

attracted to men | can't have. 

My first love was the guy on 

the dime"—but her career 

is going great. She's been 

on the HBO young come- 

dions’ special, has a role in the 

upcoming Vibes, with Jeff Goldblum, 

and has even learned talk-show etiquette 
(when David Letterman invited her to take a 
seat next to him on Late Ni: she droned 
wearily, “No, thanks, I’ve n sitting all 
day”). Now there’s even talk of a sitcom. But 
will success cost Smith her cynical edge? 
“Cynical?” she asks, sounding genuinely 
surprised. “Cynicism implies that you don't 
have any hope, and ! could never preach 
that. I'm more like an idealist who gets let 
down all the time.” — MICHAEL KAPLAN 


RUVEN AFANADOR 


NEW AGE IN A CAN 


hen Andy Narell was eight years old, his father—a 

Jewish social worker on Manhattan's Lower East 
Side—began using steel drums as a lure to keep young gang members off 
the street. The instrument has a legacy that intrigued the disadvantaged 
youths—it had been created out of 55-gallon oil barrels by blacks in Д 
Trinidod in the late Thirties and Forties when oppressive British colonial- 
ists outlawed conga drums. But no one was more intrigued than young 
Narell himself, and now, at the age of 33, he's the acknowledged 
master— which makes him a major star in the Caribbean, where the 
drum is a national treasure. “I can't even get through customs with- 
out being recognized,” he boasts. “I walk down the street and 
people call out my name.” Now that he's recording with Wind- 
ham Hill, the company that has cornered the market on New 
Age music, Narell may get similar acclaim from stressed-out 
Yoppies. But that doesn't put him in the New Age slot. “It’s a 
delicate subject,” he admits. “My music is for stimulating, not 
meditating. This whole New Age thing is just a name for a 
bunch of people they couldn't find a category for" 

— MICHAEL TENNESEN 


which hasn't intimidated casting director: men, 29, has just 
finished her biggest role to date, as the 
fiery, sharp-tongued female lead 
in Robert Redford’s long- 
awaited The Milagro Bean- 
field War, wo be followed by 
that of a lusty peasant oppo- 
site Raul Julia in The Peni- 
tent. With а very mixed 
heritage, Carmen isn't wor- 
ried about being stereotyped 
as a Hispanic. “1 don't accept 
Chiquita Banana roles,” she 
insists. “Milagro doesn’t have 
any derivative characters; 
they're all unique, whole hu- 
man beings. I think it will 
help do what La Bamba has 
already started —bust open 
the door for Hispanic proj- 
ects.” That boom will no 
doubt mean more work for 
Carmen, but she isn’t giving 
up her psychoanalyti 
ing. “In that profession, the 
older vou are, the better you 
get. That's not always the 
case with acting." —JAN GOLAR 


RAUL VEGA. 


PLAYBOY 


134 


SERING DAYLIGHT шыл» 


“Reaganism is finished, whoever is elected in 1988. 
It’s an episode of the American past.” 


has been the dominant ethos of the coun- 
try, when we feel we can best deal with our 

oblems through pri s, through 
the deregulated market, and so on. In this 
regard, the Eighties are evidently a re-cn- 
actment of the Eisenhower Fifties, as the 
Fifties were a re-enactment of the Тус 
ties, the Harding, Coolidge, Hoover years. 

These periods in which private interest 
is the dominant value tend to run on for a 
while, and then they're replaced by peri 
ods in which public purpose becomes pre- 
dominant. These, too, come in 30-year 
intervals. Theodore Roosevelt in 1901, 
Franklin Roosevelt in 1933, John Kennedy 
in 1961. What happens is that cach of 
these phases of the cycle runs its natural 
course. A time of reform, idealism, and so 
on, is very exhilarating for a while. But 
the Presidents are rather demanding— 
Presidents such as Theodore Roosevelt, 
Woodrow Wilson, Franklin Roosevelt, 
Kennedy. They call upon the people to 
think about public affairs, to get involved 
as they support actions of one sort or an- 
other They call for change. АЙ of this, aft- 
er being exciting for a time, begins to pall. 
It begins to wear people out. They get e 
hausted by the process and somewhat di 


illusioned by the results. So, after a time, 
ly for a change in a more con- 


servative direction, and they're very re- 


they're rea 


to k come along a 
y about pol 
about public 
an concentrate on the private 
aspects of life. Turn everything over to 
the free market, The free market will take 
care of your problems. Your problems will 
solve themselve exhausted people, 
this has е appeal. So then we 
enter periods of private interest, h 
everyone is told that he serves the com- 
Ith best by serving his own inter- 
est, and in which self-interest becomes the 
general modus vivendi. 

These periods go on for a while, and 
then they, 100, run their natural course, 
because the problems neglected during 
these times become acute and threaten 10 
become intolerable. At the same time, peo- 
ple begin to get increasingly frustrated by 
the vistas of life held out by self-interest 
and ialism. They want some larger 
meaning than chasing a fast buck. After a 
e, they begin to ask not what their 
country can do for them but what they can 
do for thei: county. When Пасу get to 


in whi 


monwe 


point, they're ready for a n Е 

Is that where you think we are now—ready 
to chuck Reagan conservatism? 

Reaganism is finished. Whoever is elect- 
ed in 1988 will not be a Reaganite, even if 
a Republican wins, Neither Robert Dole 
nor George Bush is ideological 


episode of the Ameri 


past 


But this conserva 
with Ji Carter—not wi 
Reaga ter was tlie most conservative 
Democratic President since Grover Cleve- 
land. After the national traumas of the 
Sixties and Seventies—the assassination 
the Vietnam war, the riots in the cities, the 
student demonstrations, Watergate —peo- 
ple got tired and disillusioned; The citi- 
zenry began to welcome the idea that they 
might not have to think about the public 
sphere, People became cager for a period 
of respite, and Carter, in a way, was a 
reflection of that mood. But even though 
Carter's appointments were a good deal 
beter than Reagan's, his policies were not 
dissimilar to Reagan’s. 

Still, the country ultimately became disillu- 
sioned with Carter. 

Yes. So we got a Republican ex—movie 
star who said, “Don't worry. We're going 
to stand tall and our problems will solve 
themselves.” And luck with Reagan 
for a considerable period. And as long as 
luck was with him, the people forgave him 
almost anything and the press overlooked 
what it knew about his def cies as а 
manager of events. But that time is over. 


Too many things have happened. Prob- 
lems are not solving themselves. they are 
compounding. ‘The public is beginning to 
be ready for something else. 

When Presidents overrea 
has done, they set 
forces to redress the balance of the Cons: 
tution. Let 


п moti 


c give you an example. Some 
say that the growth of the evangelical right 
is a sign that the country is moving further 
to the right and that the cycle will remain 
with the Republicans, But in terms of the 
Republicans, what are seen as strengths 
are really the source of their undoing. The 
fact is, the stronger the right wing and 
the stronger the evangelical right becomes, 
the more it splits the Republican Party itself. 

Why is that? 

Because the Republican P. 
stable alliance between big business and a 
bunch of ts from the Bible Belt, to 
What businessmen who sup- 
port Reagan care about is reducing regula- 
tion and taxes. They couldn't care less 
about school prayer. As for abortion, they 
make use of it all the ume. Some ol their 
best friends are homosexuals, And so on. 
So that whole agenda of the evangelicals is 
atithetical to mainstream Republicans. 
Yuppies don’t like it; big bus s doesn't 
like it. That's why the more powerful the 
zcalots become, the more they split the 
Reagan с n. I'm not worried about 
the right. I think the Republic: 
be likely to face a tough time i 
if the Iran/Contra scandal, 
weakened Reagan, had nev 

In your book “The Cycles of American His- 
tory,” written two years ago, you predicted 
very accurately when things would begin to 
unravel for the Reagan Presudency—about 
the time the lran/Conwa scandals broke 
What did you know that the vest of us didn't? 

Well, Î thought that Reaganism was 
running out of steam. Of course, no one 
could have predicted the [ran/Contra 
scandals, but they were an added benefit 
that speeded up the end of the Reagan cy- 
cle. However, in the months before the 
scandal broke, you could see that Reagan- 
was coming apart—the debacle at 
Reykjavik. and so on. This culminated in 
taking the Senate in the 
November 1986 election, a certain sign of 
change. By then, there was a general re 
ization of what people had unconsciously 
known for a long time: that Reagan w 
negligent Chief Executive who re 


rty is 


ale 


oversimpl 


would 
1988 even 


me. Then the scandals broke 
we arc—Bedtime for Bonzo. 
There has been a lol of talk about the men- 
tal state of the President. Do you think he 
is losing his grasp? 
He seems as competent to me as he eve 
did. He doesn't seem to me апу dopier 


than he did in 1981 

Then do yon think that people are noticing 
his mental lapses more? 

No, people are writing about them: I 


think they've always noticed them. The 


fact is, the press covered up for Reag 


The press knew perfectly well how he spun 
along, and he got things wrong, he invent- 
ed things and he couldn't remember any- 
thing. Nothing new about any of this 

The press covered up for him, The rea- 
son it covered up is that it discovered 
when it wrote honestly about Reagan t 
his popularity was such that it got 
trouble. The press has such great paranoia 
wway—it’s always afraid of being un- 
popular. So it just gave up trying to tell the 
truth about a popular Presiden 

Now that his popularity is considerably 
less, the press is prepared to tell the truth. 
But | find it hard to believe that there has 
been any marked deterioration. He seems 
to me the same old fellow. IF you read 
David Stockman’s book on Reagan— The 
Triumph of Politics—the man he describes 
in 1981 and 1982 was pretty much the 
same guy 

Do you feel that the Iran/Conıra scandal 
was as serious historically as Watergate? 

I think it was different from Watergate 
in that Watergate was purely domestic 
Iran/Contra had the ellect of restraining 
this Administration from taking more 
reckless, mindless initiatives in foreign 
affairs. And I think that’s very good. Peo- 
ple talk about “the horrors” of a crippled 
Presidency—but when a President is the 
kind to do stupid things, it's much better 
to haze him crippled. I think that the best 
situation would be to have this Adminis- 


tration in a state of passivity for the last 
year, rather like the last two years of the 
Eisenhower Administration 

But, to answer your question, yes, his- 
torically, Iran/Contra will be seen as more 
serious, because Watergate was a kind of 
dirty trick in domestic politics, while this 
affair was an effort to manipulate foreign 
policy. It was characterized by secrecy 
and dupli ed to inordinate and 
probably illegal lengths. And it affected 
our relations with other countries. IVI] be 
a long time before other countries are go- 
ing to take seriously anything that the 
President of the United States or the Secre- 
tary of State says to them 

Did you also predict the 
crash? 

One had to assume that the various 
bubbles would burst—the budget deficit, 
the trade deficit, public and private debt. 
The illusion of Reagan prosperity was 
bound to go. I didn't know when, but I 
wasn't surprised. 

The curious thing about this present sit- 
uation is that where a President such as 
Hoover inherited a mess and couldn't real- 
ly be blamed for it, Reagan created this. 
one. This is a needless, gratuitous econom- 
ic mess the country is in. He created it by 
this folly of supply-side economics—the 
notion that the more you lower taxes, 
the greater the revenue will be—which 
George Bush properly called voodoo eco- 
omis in the 1980 campaign. And so 
Reagan did was cut taxes for the 
ich, cut social programs for the poor and 
ase spending for defense, And it was 


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136 


those policies, not some ineluctable natu- 
ral law, that created the present mess. 

I was talking with Felix Rohatyn—he is 
the man who rescued New York City from 
bankruptcy—and he remarked that Rea- 
gan has done to the United States what 
Juan Perón did to Argentina, except where 
Perón turned the country over to the 
unions, Reagan has turned it over to the 
speculators. And that’s what the notion of 
greed as the prime motive in life inevitably 
produced. 

What kind of peril are we in now? 

I'm no economist, but judging by what 
happened in 1929, we'll have a time of sta- 
bilization, then the market will fall again, 
then a time of stabilization, and then the 
market will fall again, until things will be- 
gin to reach more natural values—not 
pumped up by speculator fever, by lever- 
aged buy-outs and by all this nonsense. 

The problem is whether we can pursue а 
policy that won't tip us into a depression. 

So when historians look back on the Eight- 
ies, will they interpret the Reagan eva as a 
time in which content was divorced from 
form—in which style became everything? 

Yes. And why should we be surprised? 
"This is a President whose years as a young. 
man were marked by his experiences as a 
movie aclor—and 1 don't think that can be 
overestimated in understanding him. The 
result is that you get this tenuous sense of 
reality where life is defined by scripts — 
where the script requires you, in the 
course of the day, to have the world de- 
stroyed by nuclear war, and then you go 
home and have a swim, have a drink, and 
life goes on. I don't think Reagan has that. 
kind of sense of reality that other 
Presidents had. It’s almost suggested by 
the fact that he doesn’t seem lo age. He's 
been in office for six years, he's quite old, 
and he's still the youngest, best-looking 
man of his age in the country, especially 
among those who've been operated on for 
cancer and shot in the chest. Everybody 
ages under the pressure of responsibility. 
Franklin Roosevelt was 13 ycars younger 
than Rcagan when he died, and he had 
aged terribly. Kennedy aged in his short 
time in office. But Reagan docsn't age! If 
you don't fecl the responsibility, it doesn't 
age you. 

You talk about. Reagan's being an actor. 
Do you think his success was all packaging? 

No. I think Reagan is the triumph of a 
man who earnestly believed in something. 
And he believed in it in bad times as well 
as good. He went up and down the coun- 
uy expounding his gospel, and eventually 
the cycle turned from public purpose to 
private purpose, and it was his time. I 
don’t think i mph of packaging; 
I think it was a triumph of commitment. 
Substantive commitment. 

Reagan, whatever he did, got where he 
is by not compromising on his convictions, 
whatever the polls said. I think that Rea- 
gan is proof of the power of conviction pol- 
ities. Nothing has been more damaging 
than the notion that to succeed in politics, 


you must move toward the center. The two 
most successful politicians in the United 
States in the past 50 years have been 
Franklin Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan. 
And both of them were conviction politi- 
cians— they stood for what they believed. 
This struggle right now within the Demo- 
cratic Party to move toward the center is 
wrong. There's a feeling among Democr. 
ic leaders that, damaged or not, Reagan 
had a secret, and if we Democrats could 
only learn that secret, we could succeed, 

That secret was, essentially, to be 


too. 
promilitary, probusiness, antilabor, anti- 
black—in other words, for the Democrats 
to become as much like the Republicans 
as possible. 

The last thing this country needs is two 
Republican Parties. It’s a disastrous direc- 
tion for the Democrats to take, because if 
the country is in a conscrvative mood, if 
s in the conservative phase of the cycle, 
it’s going to choose the real thing every 
time, not a pallid, unconvincing Demo- 
cratic imitation. The Democratic Leader- 
ship Council, essentially, as 1 read its 
statement, stands for Reaganism with a 
human face. And when you look at people 
such as Bill Bradley, who was for aid to 
the Contras, who's for Star Wars, well, I 
don’t see what relationship these people 
have to the Democratic Party. If the Dem- 
ocratic Party is going to succeed, it’s going 
хо succeed. the same way Ronald Reagan 
succeeded, and that is by believing in 
something in bad times as well as good, 
and standing for it. 

What do you think of the current crop of 
Democratic candidates? 

I think they're a pretty capable group. 
As the old joke goes, one friend asks anoth- 
er, "How's your wife?” And the other says, 
“Compared with what?” So, compared 
with Ronald Reagan? Any of them. Even a 
Republican, I think Bush and Dole are 
pretty capable people. The value of the 
primary process is to sort things out, let 
people show their qualities, and I don't 
think it's too bad a situation. 

Whom do you like in your own party? 

Among the declared candidates, Paul 
Simon and Mike Dukakis are the ones who 
interest me the most. 

And Simon wears bow lies, as you do. 

Any man who wears bow ties inspires 
confidence. 

What do you see happening on the Repub- 
lican side? 

I don't think either Bush or Dole would 
have the capacity, or perhaps even the de- 
sire, to replicate Reaganism. Irs hard to 
tell about Bush. He's a decent man, a civi- 
lized man, but I think the Vice-Presidency 
is a destructive office. 1 have a chapter in 
Cycles arguing for the abolition of the Vice- 
Presidency. It’s not only pointless but, far 
from equipping people for the Presiden- 
cy, it handicaps them. I think Hubert 
Humphrey would have made a much bet- 
ter President in 1964 than he would have 
after four years of Vice-Presidency. The 
reason is that the Vice-President has noth- 


ing to do except echo the President, wait 
around for the President to die. And after a 
time, if he's Vice-President long enough— 
and a loyal one, as modern Pres 
dents feel they have to be—he begins to 
lose his sense of his own identity. If you 
keep spending all your time defending 
someone else's views automatically, after a 
while, it's destructive of your own convic- 
tions. The only reason Harry Truman was 
such an tive President was that he was 
Vice-President lor such a short time. 

And your prediction? 

Politics is totally unpredictable. In 
1940, if anyone had predicted that the 
next President of the United States after 
Franklin Roosevelt would be a back-bench 
Senator from Missouri, that the President 
after that would be an unknown major in 
the Army and that the President after that 
would be a kid then in college, no one 
would have believed it. And yet Truman, 
nhower and Kennedy were the nest 
e Presidents. 

How do you feel about such campaign is 
sues as adultery and marijuana? 

I think they're ridiculous—American 
politics has reached a new low when a 
reporter asks a candidate for President 
whether he ever committed adultery 
When private behavior affects public be- 
havior, that's a different matter. If a man’s 
likely to get drunk when he’s making deci- 
sions, then that’s something the public has 
a right to know about. But I don't think 
marijuana and adultery are issues. 

At the time that the Gary Hart case was 
breaking, | was attending the ceremony 
for the Robert Kennedy Book Awards. 
The award was made to David Garrow for 
his biography of Martin Luther King, Jr. 
The runner-up was a book about Cambo- 
dia by Elizabeth Becker ol The Washington 
Post. 1 was chatting with Garrow and 
Becker and we discussed the fact that 
King, like Hart, was a man of convulsive 
and disorderly sexual habits. Yet g was 
a very noble fellow and did grcat things for 
thc republic. 

Pol Pot of Cambodia, on thc other hand, 
was a man of exemplary behavior, a model 
of fidelity. No one ever accused him of 
even having lust in his heart. Perfect on the 
adultery standard. All he did was murder 
3,000,000 of his countrymen 

Talking about disorderly sex habits, you 
were in the White House while J.F.K. was 
presumably having his flings. If everyone 
knew about it, why wasn't il reported? 

You say everyone knew about it; Г didn't 
ow about it. Look, ifall the women who 
claimed to have slept with John Ke 
had done so, he wouldn't have had а 
time for anything else. AU I can tell you 
that during the entire period 1 worked in 
the White House, 1 was not c of any 
goings on or of any interrup 
public responsibilities because of them 

Do you think that the taint surrounding 
Ted Kennedys personal life—including 
Chappaquiddick —will ever disappear? 

In the year 2000, Teddy Kennedy will 


еду 


w 


ons of his 


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PLAYBOY 


be younger than Ronald Reagan is today. 
He's been an excellent Senator and has 
strong and clear views. I think the Nineties 
will be much more congenial for Ted 
Kennedy. 

And by then, he will be old enough that his 
sex life is no longer an issue? 

I hope one never gets too old. Is 
having just passed my 70th birthday. 

Given the state of this Presidency, do you 
think Reagan might do what embattled lead- 
ers historically do—took for foreign adven- 
ture as a diversion, especially in the closing 
days of his Presidency? 

I don't think so. I know people have 
that fear. People such as Colonel North 
might like to do just that. But others, such 
as Secretary of State George Shultz and 
Treasury Secretary Jim Baker, are going to 
urge restraint. I think Reagan must have 
enough sense of reality to know that t 
would be something that would horrify 
Congress and the people. And in general, 
also, he's been rather cautious and 
effusive. He pulled the Armed Forces out 
of Lebanon rather quickly. True, he invad- 
ed Grenada shortly thereafter, an island of 
100,000 with no army, navy and air force. 
But against more consequential oppo: 
tion, I don't think he'll do much—for in- 
stance, in Nicaragua. Anything’s possible, 
but that’s not a high-priority worry of 
mine 

You were one of Kennedy's top advisors 
during the Bay of Pigs invasion. What are 


y that 


the parallels between American policy toward 
Cuba in the Sixties and American policy to- 
ward Nicaragua in the Eighties? 

E think there are many parallels. The 
Bay of Pigs, of course, was an operation 
the Kennedy Administration inherited 
from the Eisenhower Administration. It is 
something I doubt would have originated 
with President Kennedy himself. It was 
alrcady in dvanced stage of training. 
More than 1200 Cubans had been assem- 
bled in Guatemala, Something had to be 
done with them. The choice was between 
disbanding them, which would have 
caused problems, or letting them go 
ahead. The problems caused by disband- 
ing them might have been less serious than 
the problems caused by going ahead. At 
ny rate, 1 opposed things, and my view 
did not prevail. We did go ahead 

There are many illusions that guided 
the planning of that operation and that 
exist with the current conduct of the Cen- 
ual American policy today. The Bay of 
Pigs was based on the assumption that an 
invasion would cause uprisings behind the 
lines in Cuba, defections from Cuban mili- 
tia, and this was to strike a great respon- 
sive chord in the country. No onc thought 
that 1200 exiles could overthrow Castro. 
But the 1200 exiles and the support that 
they would presumably ignite inside the 
country were thought to be enough to do 
it, It’s the same illusion here: that the Con- 
tras have all sorts of support within 


Nicaragua itself. Obviously, the Sandi 
nistas have probably very much narrowed 
their support in recent times. But still 
they've armed a lot of people in the coun- 
try. They don't seem to fear the populace’s 
having arms—they are not likely to arm 
people who will turn against them. What's 
more, there is no ind t the Con 
tras arc more popular in Nicaragua than 
the Sandinistas. So the notion that a Contra 
invasion of Nicaragua is going to set off 
great anti-Sandinista uprisings behind the 
line is as wrong, l'd imagine, as the notion 
that the CIA had about Cuba in 1961 

What are the other parallels? 

We are seeing a dependence on the CLA 
10 make foreign policy—which was cer- 
tainly the case in 1961. I don't know what 
the situation is today, but I wouldn't be 
surprised if the covert-action people had 
sought assessments from the intelligence 
branch of the CLA as to the probability of 
the Contras’ defeating the Sandinistas— 
and been spectacularly wrong 

What are the dangers of covert action? 

Well, the short-run dangers of covert ac- 
tion are that vou make mistakes by involv- 
ing yourself in the internal rs of other 
countries you don’t know well enough 
You choose the wrong people. You place 
the credibility and reputation of the Unit- 
ed States in the hands of a lot of con men 
and do not achieve the results you expect. 
The long-run danger is that you might 
achieve those results, in which case you 


| STYLES VARY. 


=з 


interrupt the normal political evolution of 
the country 

Guatemala, for example: In 1954, the 
CIA intervened successfully to overthrow 
the regime. They got, in consequence, a 
dictatorship of the right that is far worse 
than the earlier regime. Iran: The CLA 
intervened successfully to overthrow 
Mossadegh in 1953. We first got the shah 
nd now we have Khomeini. Today, we'd 
be so happy to settle for Mossadegh. But 
by preventing a sort of almost secular na 
tionalist like Mossadegh from staying in 
power and by restoring the shah, we cre: 
ed the situation where the reaction went 
all the way to the mullahs. Chile—the 
same thing. It's very difficult for me to sec 
that Pinochet is an improvement over 
Allende. So, on the whole, we're better off 
not trying to decide the destinies of other 
countries 

Isn't there also a question as to what this 
sort of meddling does to us as a country? 

I think the notion that we have the di 


vine right to try to shape the destinies of 


other countries is bad for us. And on a 
more mundane level, the kind of people 
who benefit from this sort of activity—this 
whole shadowy world of Bay of Pigs sur- 
vivors, secret agents, arms dealers, and so 
on—are not good for the country, either 
Theirs is a corrupt world. You get a lot of 
nuts, fanatics, adventurers, war lovers, vi- 
olence lovers. 1 don't mean to say that all 


people involved in covert action are like 


that. But it is inevitably bound to attract a 
certain type of person. They're hard peo- 
ple to control, so that the CLA officers in 


Langley often can't really control what 
their agents in the field are doing. Even 
with precise warnings from President 


Kennedy that there would be no use of 
U.S. forces in the Bay of Pigs invasion 
some in the CIA let the invading forces 
believe that U.S. forces would back them. 
It’s that kind of miscalculation I mean 

In 1986, you traveled twice to Cuba, 
where you finally met the nemesis of the 
Kennedy While House: Fidel Castro. What 
was that like after so many years? 

It was a very interesting experience. I 
went to Cuba with Kathleen Kennedy and 
Robert White, our former Ambassador 10 
El Salvador. The ostensible reason we 
went was to try to do something to get out 
some political prisoners, but of course we 
did get to mect Castro. He is a great per- 
former. He's got this kind of cascade of 
jokes and rhetoric and historical analyses 
and impersonations of people and more 
jokes—it goes on and on. 

On the other hand, he does listen if you 


penetrate, punctuate this flow, and he 
even will take notes on occasion, and he 
responds to questions. Bob and Kathleen 
and I drove out and saw the Bay of Pigs 
We swam in the Bay of Pigs, in fact. Later, 
we talked with Castro about that experi- 
ence. But Castro’s not much interested in 
the past. He's much more interested at this 


point in the question of Latin America’s 
And what I felt was that 
Castro’s great problem is that he has al- 


external debt 


ways been too big a man for a small coun- 
try—too big in his ideas and his energies 
and his aspirations. What he would like to 
dois run the world. Failing that, he would 
like to run the Third World. He tried to do 
that fora while. But 1 think that with ume, 
his ambitions have contracted. 

1 did, however, get to talk a bit about 
those years with Carlos Rafael Rodriquez. 
the Cuban vice-president 

Castro and his vice-president were men you 
were once committed to kill, right? 

I didn't want to kill them. 1 opposed 


them. 

You wanted them ont of power and, by 
sending an invasion force lo their country, 
hoped to kill them 

1 was opposed to them, as they knew. 1 
wrote the once-notorious white paper 
about how Castro had betrayed the Cuban 
revolution. But Castro's a professional 
Times change 

Then you have changed, too, because 
Castro was the main obsession of the Kennedy 
Administration 

That's overdoing it. The Administration 
had other things on its mind, too. In fact, 
the Kennedy brothers were opposed to the 
invasion of Cuba. It was their actions that 
preserved Castro. If he had been their ob- 
session, the installation of nuclear missiles 
would have given them an excuse that 


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140 


everyone in the world would have under- 
stood to invade and overthrow Castro. 

Except that it might have precipitated 
World War Three. 

No. It couldn't have precipitated World 
War Three. The Russi: were in Cuba 
because they knew their nuclcar inferiority 
was so great. They weren't going to com- 
mit suicide. They could never conceivably 
have gone to war. They were so far behind 
in warheads in that period, there was no 
chance of war's coming as a result of 
deliberate decision. The thing that con- 
cerned Kennedy and probably concerned 
Khrushchev was a war by accident some- 
where down the line. That's why Kennedy 
ted on getting the command and con- 
trol. He was afraid that somebody stop- 
ping a Russian tanker might do something 
or that some local commander might get 
out of control. 1 suppose Khrushchev had 
that same concern. But it would have been 
suicide for the Russians to start a war. 

Since were on Ihe subject of the Bay of 
Pigs, it has become known that you gave out 
false figures on the numbers involved in the 
invasion force there. That’s now called disin- 
formation. In light of that, do you think you 
were any different from the Reagan people 
whom you now criticize? 

It was a great mistake. 1 have no dc- 
fense. It just shows the corrupting in- 
fluence of covert operations. There was a 
cover story, and I gave the caver story to 
the press, and Гус never ceased to regret 
it. Honest people find themselves in a posi- 
tion of having to repcat the cover story, 
and that corrupts them, and so on, in a 
widening circle of corruption, and I don't 
think it’s worth it. I think there's always a 
certain amount of dissembling involved in 
government, but I think outright lying 
should be reserved for only the most criti 
cal and exceptional circumst 
when the life of the republi at stake 
‘The life of the republic was not at stake in 
the Bay of Pigs. There was no excuse for it. 

If it’s true, as you say, that the generation 
brought up in the Camelot era will be assum- 
ing leadership of the country in the Nineties, 
how do you explain Kennedy's vole in starting 
the Vietnam war? 

I think the Vietnam commitment really 
went back to “Truman and Eisenhow 

There were only several hundred American 
advisors over there when Kennedy look office. 

Yes, and 16,000 when he left. He did 
breach the Geneva Ассо: But when 
Kennedy was still a Congressman, in 
1951, he and Bobby visited Vietnam. He 
became pe the French could 
never win against the Viet 
namese. So he was resolutely opposed to 


ics —only 


war 


were advisors attached to the South V 
namese army 


in and again in 
istration to American- 
ize the war by sending combat units, He 
rejected them every time. He planned to 
remove the advisors, His plan was adopt- 


ed by the Department of Defense in M. 
of 1963, and the withdrawal of the first 
1000 men was announced in October 
1963. That plan was canceled after 
Kennedy's assassination. John: 
placed the advisors and decided to Ameri 
canize the war 

What did you do in the aftermath of the 
J.F.K. assassination? 

1 resigned my White House job. At first, 
Lyndon Johnson didn't accept my resigna- 
tion. He was always saying how 
sable all ihe Kennedy people w 
and how we had to stay, out of patriotic 
duty. So I said I would stay for the transi- 
tion. But I said, “I feel very strongly that a 
President should have his own people 
around him—people who have worked 
with him and know him and whom he 
trusts.” This was the end of November: 
resigned in January. The second time 1 
vd it, he accepted my resignation with 
at alaerity. 

Did you just not get along? 

T rather liked Johnson. 1 Mark Twain 
and Faulkner had collaborated, they 
would have produced something like Lyn- 
don Johnson. He had this infinite reper- 
wire of old American folk tales and jok 
and expressions. He was capable of being 
very funny, though always at someone 


n soon re- 


else's expense. He was a very good mimic 
He had no gifi lor turning humor on him 
sell, as the Kennedys did. But he was not 
for me, and I was not for him. 

Did he [eel that you were one of the Eastern 
liberal Harvard guys out to gel him? 

Yeah. 

What made him feel that way? Differences 
in personal style? 

He had an inferiority 
thought that because he 
nd had gone to a teachers colles 
who had gone to Harvard and places | 
that looked down on him. The fact of the 
matter is, people who come from Harvard 
and places like that ove people like Lyn- 
don Johnson. They loved Truman. Tru- 
man got along superbly with people like 
Dean Acheson, who'd gone to Groton and 
Yale. So Johnson was quite wrong in his 
geopolitical analysis of snobbery 

You also clashed with Richard Nixon. But 
after you were both out of public office, he 
moved mio the town house next to yours in 
Manhattan. What kind of a neighbor was 
he? Did he ever come by and borrow a cup of 
sugar? 

No. Never. Га been on Nixon's enemies 
list. of course, so our relati were unde- 
veloped, lt did п 
1 that Nixon was moving in- 
to the neighborhood and I was int 
wed on our front steps and was asked 
what I thought about it and I, ungr 
ly, replied, “There goes the nei 
vod." This was widely repeated al 
not have encouraged Nixon. At any 
y children had been used to climbing on 
the fence that separated our two houses 
Shortly alter Nixon and the Secret Servic 


complex. He 


was announ 


ious- 


moved in, my children were hounded off 
the fence. So | got a siepladder and 
climbed up on the fence and harangued 
the Secret Service people and said. “This 
is ontrageous. My children have always 
climbed on thi: 

Who owned the disputed territory? 

The fence was owned, 1 suppose, in 
common between us. The fact that s 
one who, if justice had been done. s 
have been in the Federal penitentiary w 
now trying to deprive my children of th 
historic right to climb the fence was unim- 
pressive to me. The Secret Service replied 
that when 
they disturbed certain security systems 
they had set up. I said that that was their 
problem. So we had inconclusive conver- 
sations. I then wrote to the head of the 
Secret Service to say how outrageous this 
was, and eventually, my children were re- 
confirmed in their right to climb up on the 
fence. 

How did Nixon respond to that crisis? 

One day, I came home and my wife, 
Alexandra, said to me, “You know. Fin 
beginning to feel a little sorry for Nixon." I 
Why would you feel sorry for 
She said, "Well. Eo was looking 
out the window today, and he was in his 
garden. Robert was climbing the fence. 
nd Nixon gave him a little wave.” Robert 
was then six or seven y i 


fence," 


w children climbed the fence, 


s old, and it was 


heart-warming. 1 asked him about it. I 
said, “Robert, whats all this about your 
chmbing on the fence and Nixon waving at 
you?" Robert said, “Yes. He was waving at 
me to get off the fence." 

On a more serious note, the chaos sur 
rounding Nixon's resignation caused a lot of 
Americans to feel shaken about their faith in 
the American system. As a historian, did you 
feel that way 

Not then. But I did in 1968, The killing 
of Robert Kennedy, after the killings of 
John Kennedy and Martin Luther King, 
just scemed to be too much. I suddenly 
had a conviction about this potential for 
violence in the American soul. We became 
a country by killing red men and enslaving 
black men. It's just bred into us, a capaci- 
ty for cruelty and for violence. We deny it, 
but it exists. There's been this tradition in 
America, going back to our earliest years, 
of regeneration through violence. And 
that’s very much part of our lives. It has to 
be identified and guarded against. The 
rest of the world recognizes our potential 
for violence more than we do ourselves. 

What do you recommend we do? 

T think that we a great tendency 
rd self-righteousness, We think we're 
a superior race, superior to lesser breeds, 
outside the law, commissioned by the 
Almighty to redeem mankind. Thi 


con- 


vietion that Americans are a chosen peo 
ple is a great source of mischief in our 
policy. When we think of ourselves that 


way, we suppress the unlovely elements in 
the American character, such as the 
lent strain. | think we'd be much better if 


we ended this illusion that we аге a chosen 
people and confronted our own history. 

You've listed your criticisms. What are the 
things you admire about America? 

What I like about America is its histori- 
cally experimental attitude toward life, its 
willingness to try things, to measure things 
by their consequences. It’s the attitude 
that produced the only distinctive Ameri- 
can philosophy, which is William James's 
pragmatism. That, plus the rejection in 
principle—if not always in practice—of 
classes. A general belief in social equality 
and social mobility. And a reserve ofideal- 
ism that cocxists uneasily with the perva- 
sive moneygrubbing and materialism. 

How to be an American in a world 
in which America simultaneously domi- 
nates and is vulnerable is very difficult. 1 
think the only answer to it is to have some 
sense of our own best traditions. That's 
why the Constitution is important. Al- 
though we heard a lot of abstract talk last 
year on the bicentennial of the Constitu- 
tion, it is simply the document that 
codifies what our best traditions arc. 

Have you always believed thal? 

As any American historian had to, of 
course, I had to know all about the Consti- 
tution. But I never really recognized the 
majesty of that document until it was test- 
cd in the Watergate period. That led me to 
rercad, after many ycars, the Federalist 
papers and the other writings of Alexander 
Hamilton and James Madison, and so on. 
1 suddenly got a much more vivid sense 
than I ever had before of the extraordinary 
intelligence and penetration of these fel- 
lows at the beginning of the republic, I 
suddenly realized how blessed we were to 
have such a superb founding generation. 

Uniquely blessed? 

The longer you examine the frame of 
government they put together, the more 
vou see that the Constitution is an extraor 
dinarily wise document—which is why i 
has survived with a minimum of amend- 
ments. It has survived the transformation 
of the United States from 13 predomin 
ly agricultural states straggling along the 
Eastern Seaboard into a great continental, 
industrial and now world power. In fact, 
ours is the oldest Constitution extant in 
the world. When you think that we've had 
one Constitution for 200 years, and a rela- 
tively enlightened country such as France 
is now in its fifth constitution in the past 
century, that suggests the high intelligence 
of the people who drafied it 

As we head into the Presidential campaign 
year, what advice would you give the Ameri- 
can people? 

Distrust anyone who invokes God. And 
1 would tend also to distrust people who, 
when The Star-Spangled Banner is played, 
place their hand over their heart. I think 
patriotism is a vital emotion, but patriot- 
ism that exploits itself—the kind that's 
on the sleeve—is, as Dr. Johnson 
, the last refuge of a scoundrel. 


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141 


PLAYBOY 


SHARK ATTACK 


(continued from page 80) 


“Nicklaus and Norman share Luftwaffe poster-boy 
looks and the resoluteness of an assassin.” 


work. Earp advised him that he wasn't set- 
shoulders squared to the 


ting up with h 
target. The news came as a revelation. 

“When he was a kid," Earp said in a 
low voice on the side lines, “I had to bar 
him from the bloody course. He practiced 
so much, it looked like bloody pigs had 
been rooting up the fairways.” 

Таше about Norman's youth suggests 
his later determination. He had no apti- 
tude for school and a big aptitude for 
surfing and fishing all day on the Queens- 
land coast. He briefly went out for Aus- 
tralian Rules football and got his nose 
flaucned. He dreamed of being a jer 
fighter pilot, but that was as far as his am- 
bition took him. He had no desire to follow 
his broad-beamed father, Mervyn, into the 
mining-engincering trade. 

His parents, however, gave him a real 
example of will power. “Dad is very . 
well, dogmatic might be a strong word 
Norman reflected one day. “But when he 
wants to do something, he doesn't procras- 
tinate. He does it [bangs table] now. 


"That's it, boys; we're going to do it right 
now and we're going to do it right.’ I am 
basically the same wa 

Norman's mother, Toini, a small 


Finnish woman, was an avid golfer—she 
played the game even while pregnant with 
her son. She was a natural and played toa 
handicap of three. Her son did not pick up 
a club until 1970, at the relatively late age 
of 15 and a half, when he caddied a round 
for his mum. He borrowed her clubs im- 
mediately thereafter and played a round. 
Suddenly, the beach bum acquired the 
will of a Foreign Legion sergeant on a 
forced march in golf’s desert. 

His mother gave him two books by Jack 
Nicklaus, Golf My Way and 55 Ways lo Play 
Golf. His handicap was established at 27. 
It took just two years to drive it down to 
scratch. After another year, he won the 
Queensland Junior Championship and 
earned an entry into the Australian Oper 
He was in a close fight for top amateur 
placement when an errant tee shot struck 
his caddie-bag cart, incurring a two-stroke 
penalty. After chewing out his caddie, he 
burst into tears 

Turning pro, he fell under the tutorial 
eye of Earp, who was as strict about disci- 
pline as he was open-minded about golf 
technique. Norman was already accus- 
tomed to an apprentice’s schedule that 
once had him out of bed by four am so he 
could practice at the break of dawn, and he 
would turn out the lights at the driving 
range at I] P.n. 

“When he was young, he used to build 
himself up, put weights on his feet and 


142 Walk around,” Earp explained, sitting in a 


golf cart’s shade while Norman broiled 
nself in a sand trap. "He's lucky to be 
It that way—so well proportioned 


bi 
He's strong in the hands and arms. He's 


grooved such a great swing, nothing much 
Can go wrong with it. You will probably 
find that he gets better as he gets olde 

When he was a young stud, Norman's 
ego told him to crush the ball as far as 
he could. His style was quickly noted. Aft- 
nessing one of his 360-yard drives. 
the Brisbane Courier Mail snilled, “For 
- it was downright 


kes gambling on the course 
taught him something about pressure, as it 
will when you carn $32 а week and have 
$1200 riding on a match. With those gains, 
he financed his trips to the Asian and the 
European tournaments. But the same re- 
lentless desire that led him to, for instance, 
play in the Australian Open the morning 
afier a kidney-stone operation would also 
betray him at times. There were choked 
putts, thrown clubs, rages. Only in the 
past few ycars, in fact, has he stopped try- 
to drive every short par four 

Still, a mere seven years after he took up 
the game, he won the Martini Internation- 
al in Scotland. He quickly stacked up im- 
pressive wins: two Hong Kong Opens, the 
1980 and 1983 Suntory World Match Play 
Championship in England, the 1980 Aus- 
tralian Open, the 1981 and 1982 Dunlop 
Masters, 

By the time he became a regular on the 
American tour in 1984, he had already 
won 28 tournaments world-wide, While he 
had tasted fame and the fast life in Lon- 
don, his greatest advantage upon arriving 
in America was his assumption that he 
was a ner ће winner. 

There's a saying in tennis that you'll 
never get a dominating player out of 
Southern Califor now because of the 
massive local competition: No kid ever 
grows up believing that he or she is the 
best in the world. The wealth of talent on 
the Ame . Tour guarantees that 
kind of parity in home-grown golf. This 
has left an opening for such overseas com- 
petitors as Norman, Ballesteros and Bern- 
hard Langer, all of whom arrived 
triumphant and relatively unscarred. A 
few years on the American tour and they 
get that familiar hunted look in their eyes 

In 1983, Norman racked up six wins 
outside America. He gained a name in the 
1984 U.S. Open at Winged Foot by inspir- 
ing Fuzzy Zoeller’s famous towcl-waving 
ntics. He tied Zoeller with a ridiculous: 
45-footer on the 72nd and final hole, but in 
the next day's. play-off, Zoeller stomped 
him 67-75; this time, Norman waved the 


while towel. The startling image that re- 
mained, though, was of two funny guys 
out on a golf course, all dimples and teeth 
and snifling the roses. Norman suddenly 
had an image in America. He backed it up 
a few weeks later in the Western Open; he 
failed to sink a 50-foot putt in a sudden- 
death play-off with Tom Watson, so he 
dramatically collapsed to his knees. 

"ut to the 1987 U.S, Open at Sa 
cisco's Olympic Club. Norman is cı 
a Tuesday practice round with Nicklaus 
and brothers Bobby and Lanny Wadkins 


The betting is heavy: the wisecracks are 
rough. Nicklaus, signing autographs, is 
slow getting up to the 12th tec. He's in 


Norman's line of fire. “If you're ge 
stand there,” Norn 
spread your legs.” 

Nicklaus looks up, surprised. His fea- 
tures regroup in hardened irony. Can it 
be? Nicklaus getting needled by this 
Aussie upstart? Nicklaus first saw him at 
the Australian Open in 1976, when Nor- 
man was a raw youth of 22. They were 
paired in the opening round, and Norman 
stepped up to the first tec with 30,000 peo- 
ple lining the fairway. “And I topped it,” 
Norman recalled. “Shit, Га never met the 
guy before in my life. He was my idol. And 
T stone-cold topped my tee shot in front of 
30,000 people. I walked down the 35 or 40 
yards, hit it down there, knocked it on the 
green and made my five. I shot 80; he shot 
72. But what ГЇЇ always remember: He sat 
down next to me in the locker room and 
said, ‘It was good to play with you today 
and I think you've got the game to play in 
America.’ Forget the intimidation; here is 
a guy who has a hea 
icklaus and Norman share a lot be- 
sides the Luftwaffe poster-boy looks. Both 
have the resoluteness of an assassin, yet re- 
main gentlemen. Both are avid outdoors- 
men, fishermen. Both were youthful 
prodigies. Both have saddled their first- 
born sons with their famous first names. 
w they are neighbors. When the 
ans decided to move down to Nick- 
laus' Palm Beach neighborhood, Jack and 
his wife, Barbara, registered the Norman 
kids at a very private school. “Well be liv- 
ing a driver three iron from Jack,” Nor- 
man boasted. “For Jack, anyway. For me, 
it's driver wedge.” 

As to the matter of Norman's now-supe- 
rior power, Nicklaus found out exactly 
how superior it was during practice at the 
1987 Masters. At the 13th tec, laus 
pointed to some trees 290 yards down the 
line and bragged that he used to hit over 
the treetops—when he was younger, of 
course, and the trees were 25 years shorter 
"Norman didn't even flinch,” Nicklaus re- 
called. “He pulled the three wood from his 
bag, teed the ball up, picked out the 
highest tree and sailed the ball over it. It 
wasn't so much that it was long; it was 
about 312 yards high. He is awesome.” 

Another factor to guarantee Norman a 
long future is that he walks down a fairway 
in full participation with the yearning 


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masses. Example: At the U.S. Open prac- 
tice, after nearly canning his tee shot on 
the par-three 13th, Norman raised his 
arms like a symphony conductor and ex- 
horted the grandstands to stand up and 
cheer. 
the ste 
the gesture. 

Norman's e: lor 
sharing his emotions with the crowd calls 
other golfer: Arnold 
Palmer. And, like Palmer, he is on his way 
to becoming as rich as Croesus. Greg Nor- 
man does not know when he made his first 
51,000,000. He is not even certain of his 
present fortune. He says to ask the wife. 

He knows, at least, that impulse buying 
is not a problem now. A guy who strikes i 
rich, even a golfer in checked pants, wants 
10 get a Ferrari or two, or three or four. То 
the 1972 Daytona, he has added a Dino 
246 and a new Testarossa, Despite all his 
dreams of being a race-car driver (he 
counts Grand Prix driver Nigel Mansell as 
a close buddy), a man in his cleats will al- 
ways be counseled that these machines 
represent a sound investment. More mon- 
ey is surely on its w 

Golf is one of the few sports to offer its 
plavers a steady, intimate view of empire 
building. A reasonably successful and 
amusing tour pro gets thrown together 
with all the captains of industry at every 
Wednesday pro-am. And every golfer lives 
with the ever-present examples of Messrs. 
Palmer and Nicklaus, chairmen of consor- 
tia worth $300,000,000 and $200,000,000, 
respectively. This rosy vista now crowds 
Norman's personal view finder. 

His golf winnings alone in 1986 totaled 
more than $1,300,000, But that's not what 
you would call steady money. Adding lus- 
ter to life is appearance money, which is 
allowed on the American tour; but he 
is worth more than $100,000 just for show- 
ing up at tournaments in Australia and 
а league-leading $100,000 in Asia and 
Europe. A mere one-day corporate outing, 
shing and hacking with executives and 
their guests, means a $40,000 payolf. 

But itis in the field of endorsements that 
the moncy gets plentiful. Norman signed a 
multimillion-dollar contract with Recbok 
for a line of shoes and clothes. On that 
Reebok shirt sleeve, he made room for 
some Golden Arches, because he also 
signed with McDonald's. On top of his 
distinctive head went an ungainly-looking 
bushwhacker's hat, because he signed a 
contract with Akubra 

Add to all that hi lvertisements for 
Spalding golf clubs, Epson computers and 
Qantas Airways. In Australia, there are 
Hertz, Swan lager and Niblick shoes. Fc 
representing golf resorts in Japan and Aus 
tralia, he also signed multimillion-dollar 
contracts. Since Australia taxes him 62 
ce on the dollar, he does most of hi 
business through American accounts, via 
a Dutch co ‘ation. He docs it with good 
reason: In the past year, he has signed 
contracts worth more than $12,000,000. 


to mind only one 


His instructional video, Shark Attach: 
Greg Norman's Guide to Aggressive Golf, 
will appear shortly, accompanied by a 
book of the same name. A syndicated 
newspaper strip will appear in 100 papers 
to keep his name alive. Should he desire to 
turn to TV commentating, his occasional 
stints on CBS telecasts have shown him 
to be charming and outspoken enough. 
Offers to design golf courses are als 
rolling and while he has strong ideas 
about course design, he also has, one no- 
tices, not a shred of time left in his life. 

“Its important that he find time to 
work on his golf,” acknowledges his agent, 
Hughes Norton. “But then I go through 
these deals and I just start laughing. How 
could anybody turn these deals down? 

“Face it: Greg loves money and loves 
the things money can buy. So he doesn’t 
want to just be a monk and play golf and 
make nothing but prize money.” 

The danger is that a golfer, reeling in 
success and appearances, may become just 
a one-year meteor, like Bill Rogers. 
ton should know all these dangers, as 
he runs the golf affairs for International 
Management Group, the Cleveland-based 
company that kicked off the sports-agency 
boom and helped change the face of 
sports. It was I.M.G. founder Mark Me- 
Cormack, a golfer in the Fifties, who trans- 


lor- 


formed the telegenic Palmer into the 
of endorsements and opened what Norton 
calls the Pandora’s box of sports age 

The crucial issue fa 
that 25 percent is lopped off every dollar 
by 1.M.G. It is that Norman's pursuit of 
wealth will sandbag his pursuit of golfing 
excellence. 


. 

“Before this break, I hadn't had a vaca- 
tion for two years,” Norman said. “I 
hadn't stopped playing golf for more than 
two days for two years. 

At home in his darkly paneled office, bc- 
hind a cluttered desk, Norman becomes 
just another outdoor laborer with a sun- 
bumed, tired face. 

“You've got to honor your commitments 

to every company. Everybody wants a 
piece of the pie. It's understandable! 
It's hard for me to say no. If people 
want to do interviews or somet! else, if 
I make them unhappy, I feel guilty. If you 
make one person unhappy, there’s going to 
be a chain reaction.” 

In his airy, spacious Bay Hill house, 
Norman looked out his office window at 
Morgan-Leigh, four, and Gregory Jr., two, 
splashing in the pool. The view across the 
lake was deeply impressive, with birds 
hopping and wheeling and an alligator 
floating by, but it was not so captivating 


“Say! Just how long have you been doing 
liposuction, anyway?” 


143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


wouldn't soon excha 
ch ocean view 

“My wile gets very defensive when 
Hughes comes along with another con- 
he says, ‘Well, what's he got to do? 
We're all very protective of my time.” 
"he former Laura Andrassy of New 
Jersey, Norman's wife was i 
they met eight years ago. $ 
at heı sband was a shy 
young fellow on the airplane that night, 
and that's why she reluctantly met him for 
a drink. It quickly turned into a Greg Nor- 
man tour de full force, with limousines’ be- 
commandeered in the middle of the 
night and Norman's going the wrong м 
from "Tokyo to London just so he could se 
her one night in New Yo 

He has that Australi 

Laura acknowledged with a 
“but he's a better family 
thought he would be 

Norman is, in many w п 918-6 
ioncd fellow. For one thing, he is а prolific 
letter writer. That is one way he fills his 
time late at night or on long plane flights 
Politically, he is of the Reagan/Thatcher 
persuasion. His fantasy is to retire to a cat- 


that h 
alm Be 


ge it for a 


man than | 


sh- 


far out in the Australian boon- 
docks, The schedule that he keeps would 
give anyone dreams of the outback. 
was playing with Jack Nicklaus and 
"Tom Watson for a charity in Kansas," he 
said, rubbing his pinkish eyes, “and T told 
them I'd never been able to find time just 
for myself. I asked Tom, ‘How did vou get 
through when you were winning all the 
British Opens and all the U.S. Opens, the 
Masters and stuff?” He said, “You've got to 
days aside and do nothing. Just 
family; don't answer the phone 
о, right, we borrowed a friend's yacht 
and took off for the Bahamas, Just skin- 
dived and speared crabs. No phones, no 
golf—nothing. 
He blinked and formed a dazed smile. 
“Pm all right now. I felt that my whole 
system was stale. The one t 
missed this year is that I hav 
able to practice. Being out on the practice 
tee six or seven hours a d i 
ightencd and got s 
“1 love to wake up in the morning 
knowing I'm going to the practice range, 
because nobody bothers me there. ГИ tuck 
myself away in the corner somewhere and 


М. 


“Dear diary: Mega Industries 
offered $490,000,000 for our company. They're 
always doing things like that, and I really hate them. And they 
act so imporlant, wearing those striped suits 
and pointy shoes all the time. . . ." 


stay there. 1 enjoy the solitude. 

“And | miss that. Гус been running 
around, been in a diflerent city on Monday 
and coming back and . . . everything’s 
been a little uneven in the keel. 

He glanced outside and watched Earp 
hese down the ki 

“To go a week without playing is hard.” 
He grinned, suddenly enthusi When 
you walk by your golf clubs and they start 
quivering, that's when you know it's time 
to go back and practice. When we got back 

rom Palm Beach, the first thing I did was 
take out a club and wiggle it, to sce if my 
hands had swollen or changed.” 

Alter just a week? 

“When you're fishing or doing som 
thing different,” he said, nodding emphati- 
cally, “you're using different muscles 
When you use those museles, thats when 
your golf goes, If one muscle gets flabby 
and another gets stronger, you've got а 
different feeli ink that in all other 
sports—motor nis, football, 
basketball—the athletes can play golf. But 
a golfer can't play basketball, can't go mo- 
tor racing, can’t swim, can't go surfing— 
he uses the wrong muscles for golf. He's 
changing his body.” 

T asked if this were true for all golfers. 

“If you want to try to be best in the 
world,” he replied with stately concert 
“you have to be aware that one minor 
change in your system may mean a major 
ur golf game. If you change 
of an inch, that’s 
30 yards at the end of the shot. Thirty 
yards is going to screw you every time. 
row-focused world, then, is his 
life. Any joker on the street would perceive 
it to be a permanent vacation. But with 
Norman, it is all duty and destiny, a lark 
in the park lighted by Rashes of lightning. 
It is a world wound tighter than those of 
chess and gymnastics. And Norman winds 
himself tighter than а 100-compression 
ball. Looking at Norman, 1 thought of 
something that the late South African 
golfer Bobby Locke once wrote: A golfer 
has to tell himself that he's going to beat 
the head and keep on 
ng him till his skull cracks. 

While that would seem a natural voca- 
tion for the big Aussie, the cver-present 
danger is that an aggressive golfer winds 
up B is own skull, just as the 
teenaged Norman once threw clubs and 
burst into tears. In the 1987 season, he 
placed even more pressure on himself to 
win the majors, He took time off before 
each one and screwed himself right into 

tice. A fi 


Australia, an owne: 
took him aside 


lly came together and he 
jan Open by a record ten- 


won the Austi 
stroke n 

Along with the Locke quote, it is worth 
recalling something Johnny Miller once 


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145 


PLAYBOY 


146 


told Tim Gallwey, author of The Inner 
Game of Golf. Miller declared that, aside 
from Palmer, very few golfers can handle 
the live-or-die syndrome. “I really think 
one can self-destruct earlier in his carcer 
that way. The guys with long careers are 
all of the same sort of temperament— 
Gene Littler, Julius Boros, Sam Snead 
They're not devastated by failure.” 

Norman, a proud live-or-die player, lis- 
tened and nodded. “It depends as well on 
what you want out of it,” he replied with 
mounting energy. “It depends on your de- 
re, your goals. I know mine are extreme- 
ly high. 

Yo 


ve got to want; that’s what it is. 
Golf'is a matter of desire. Whatever the de- 
rc is in the individual, whatever level you 
want to attain, that is your level of concen- 
tration. Il you're happy making $300,000 a 
year," he said with a sneer, “and don't 
care if you win a tournament or not, fine 
I'm not happy with that. My desire, ever 
since 1 sı g this game, has been 
to be the best player in the world. 

“A lot of people think I have an obses- 
sion with the green jacket at Augusta,” he 
said, relerring to the annual U.S. Masters 


ted playı 


pe 


== 
v те \ 
V id | A 
ЭЧ. Л 


WIE ) 


prize. “I want that golf tournament more 
than anything else in the world. I know I 
will win at Augusta somed 
want it bad enough.” 

As the afternoon wore on, what Norman 
wanted more than anything was to play with 
his children. Morgan-Leigh had asked him 
to take her out in the speedboat. They had 
a favorite hiding place fa 
of lakes. She wanted to net some tadpoles. 

For such a big-boned cuss, who even in 
relaxation appears to be locked in power- 
ful concentration, Greg Norman is truly 
the obliging sort. He went out to the land- 
and lowered the speedboat. 

With Gregory Jr. sitting in his lap, Mor- 
gan-Leigh holding her net into the wind 
and his guests safely in the back with beer 
in hand, wheeled the boat 
around. It was a languid afternoon in 
Orlando, a fine day for a balmy old run 
for tadpoles. With the boat pointed toward 
the sun, Norman dropped the throttle 
on the 351 V8. A blaring roar filled the air, 
the boat swelled on its haunches and Nor- 


, because 1 


down that chain 


Norman 


man was soon winging at top speed for the 
f 


shore. 


“Nothing to be concerned about, Jonathan; it’s simply 
our standard predating agreement." 


MODERN LOVE 


(continued from page 116) 

“And then you dic," I said. 

And then you die." 

Her voice had turned somber. She 
wasn't grinning any longer. What could | 
say? I patted her hand and flashed a smile. 
“Yum,” I said, mugging for her, “what's 
for dinner 

She served a cold cream-of-tofu-and- 
carrot soup and litte lentil-paste sand- 
wiches for an appetizer and a garlic soulllé 
with biologically controlled vegetables for 
the entree. Then it was snilters of cog 
the big-screen TV and a movie called The 
Boy in the Plastic Bubble, about a kid raised 
in a totally antiseptic environment be- 
cause he was born without an immune sys- 
No one could touch him. Even the 
sneeze would have killed h 
Breda sniflled through the first half hour. 
then pressed my hand and sobbed openly 
as the boy finally crawled out of the bub- 
ble, caught about 37 discases and died be- 
fore the commercial break. “Гус seen this 
movie six times now,” she said, fighting to 
control her voice, “and it gets to me every 
time. What a life,” she said, waving her 
snifter at the screen, “what a perfect life- 
Don’t you envy him 

] didn't envy him. I envi 
dant that dangled between her breasts, 
and I told her so. 

She might have giggled or gasped or 
lowered her eyes, but she didn't. She gave 
me a long, slow look, as if she were decid- 
ing something, and then she allowed hei 
self to blush, the color suffusing her throat 
in a delicious mottle of pink and white. 
“Give me a minute,” she said mysteriously 
and disappeared into the bathroom. 

1 was electrified. This was it. Finally 
After all the avowals, the pressed hands, 
the little jokes and routines, after all the 
miles driven, meals consumed, museums 
paced and movies watched, we were 
finally, naturally, gracefully going to come 
together in the ultimate act of intimacy 
and love. 

1 felt hot. There were beads of sweat on 
my forehead. I didn't know whether to 
stand or sit. And then the lights dimmed. 
and there she was at the rheostat, 

She was still in her kimono, but her hair 
was pinned up more severely, wound in a 
tight coil on the crown of her head, as if 
she'd girded herself for battle. And she 
held something in her hand—a slim pack- 
age wrapped in plastic, It rustled as she 
crossed th 

“When yo 
she s 
rocl 


tem 
slightest 


vom 
re in love, you make love,” 


id, easing down beside me on the 
ike settee. “It’s only natural.” She 
nded me the package. “I don't want to 
give you the wrong impression,” she said, 
her voice throaty and raw, “just because 
Um careful and modest and because 
there's so much, well, filth in the world, 
but 1 have my passionate side, too. 1 do. 
And I love you, I think.” 

"Yes," I said, groping for her, the 


package all but forgotten 

We kissed. I rubbed the back of her 
neck, felt something suange—an odd sag 
and ripple, as if her skin had suddenly 
turned to Saran Wrap—and then she had 
her hand my chest. "Wait," she 
breathed, "the, the thing. 

1 sat up. “Thing; 

The light was dim, but I could sce the 
blush invade her face now. She was sweet 
Oh, she was sweet, my Little Envly, my 
Victorian princess. “It's Swedish," she 
said. 

1 looked down at the package in my lap. 
It was a clear, skinlike sheet of plastic, 
folded up in its transparent package like a 
heavy-duty garbage bag. I held it up to her 
huge, trembling eyes. A crazy idea darted 
in and out of my 
head. No, I thought 

105 the newest 
thing,” she said, the 
words coming in a 
rush, “the safest 
I mean, nothing 
could possibly ——" 

My face was hot. 
"No," I said. 

“It's a condom,” 
she said, tears start- 
ing up in her eyes 


on 


“My doctor got 
them for me; 
they re they're 


Swedish.” Her face 
wrinkled up and 
she began to cry. 
“Its a condom,” 
she sobbed, crying 
so hard the kimono 
fell open and I could 
sec the outline of the 
thing against the 
swell of her nipples 
full-body 


con- 


dom 
. 

I was olf 
admit it. It 
so much her obses- 
sion with germs and 
contagion but that 
she didn't trust me 
after all that time. 1 
was clean, Quintes- 
sentially dean. 1 was a man of moderate 
habits and good health; I changed ту 
underwear and socks daily—sometimes 
twice a day—and | worked in an office 
with clean, crisp, unequivocal numbers, 
managing my late father's chain of shoe 
stores (and he died cleanly himself, of a 
myocardial infarction, at 75). “Bi 
Breda,” I said, reaching out to console her 
and brushing her soft, plastic-clad breas 
in the process, "don't you trust me? Don't 
you believe me? Don't you, don't you love 


me?” I took her by the shoulders, lifted her 
head, forced her to look me in the eye. 
"Em clean," I said. “Trust me.” 


She looked away. “Do it lor me,” she 
said in her smallest voi f you really 


love me.” 

In the end, I did it. I looked at her, cry- 
ing, crying for me, and I looked at the thin 
sheet of plastic clinging to her, and 1 did it 
She helped me into the thing, poked wo 
holes for my nostrils, zipped the plastic 
ripper up the back and pulled it tight over 
my head. It fit like a wet suit. And the 
whole thing—the stroking and the tender- 
ness and the gentle yielding—was every- 
thing I'd hoped it would be. 

Almost 


А 
She called me from work the next da 
was playing with sales figures and thinking 
of her. “Hello,” I said, practically cooing 
into the receiver. 
“You've got to hear this—" Her voice 


ke 


é го; aywhere In the U.S. сай 
ported by ee d Corporalign, FarLee, NJ. Photo 


was giddy with excitement, 

“Hey,” E said, cutting her off in a pas- 
sionate whisper, “last night was really 
special.” 

“Oh, yes,” she said, 
was. And I love you, I до...” She paused 
to draw in her breath, “But listen to this: I 
just got a piece from a man and his wile 
living among the Tuareg of Nigeria—these 
are people who follow cattle around, pick- 
ing up the dung for their cooking fires?” 

1 made a small noise of awareness 

“Well, they make their huis of dung, 
too—isn't that wild? And guess what 
when times are hard, when the crops fail 
and the cattle can barely stand up, you 
know what they eat?” 


“yes, last night. It 


“Let me guess," I said. "Dung?" 
She let out a whoop. “Yes! Yes! Isn't it 
100 much? They eat dung!" 
I'd been saving one for her, a discase a 
doctor friend had told me about. “Oncho- 


cerciasis,” I said. "You know it?" 

There was a thrill in her voice. “Tell 
me." 

“South America and Africa both. A Ну 


bites you and lays its eggs in your blood 
stream, and when the eggs hatch, the lar- 
vac—these little white worms —migrate to 
your eycballs, right underncath the mem- 
brane there, so you can sce them wriggling 
around.” 

There was a silence on the other end of 
the line, 
Breda?” 


“That's sick,” she 
said. “That's really 
sick.” 

But I thought.” 
I trailed off. “Sor- 
ry,” I said. 

“Listen,” and the 
edge came back into 
her voice, “the rea- 
son I called is be- 
cause I love you, I 
think J love you, 
and 1 want you to 
meet somebody.” 

“Sure,” I said. 

“1 want you to 
meet Michael 
Michael Malon: 

“Sure. Who's 
he?" 

She hesitated, 
paused just a beat, 
as if she knew she 
was going too far. 
“My doctor,” she 
said 


. 

You have to work 
at love. You have to 
bend, make subtle 
adjustments, sac- 
rifices—love is 
nothing without sac- 
fice. 1 went to Dr. 
Maloney. Why no 
Pd caten tofu, ban 
tered about leprosy 
and bilharziasis as if 1 were immunc and 
made love in a bag. If it made Breda hap- 
py—if it cased the nagging fears that ate at 
her day and night—then it was worth it 

The doctor's office was in Scarsdale, 
his home, a two-tone mock ‘Tudor with a 
winding drive and oaks as old as my 
grandfather's Chrysler. He was a young 
man—late 30s, I guessed—with a red 
beard, a shaved head and a pair of over- 
sized spectacles in clear plastic frames. He 
took me right away—the very day I 
calle nd met me at the door himself. 
“Breda's told me about vou," he said 
leading me into the floodlit vault of hi 
oflice. 
moment, murmuring, “ 


He looked at me appra 
Yes, yes 


singly a 
into his 


147 


PLAYBOY 


148 


beard, and then, with the aid of his nurses, 
Miss Archibald and Miss Slivovitz, put 
me through a battery of tests that would 
have embarrassed an astronaut. 

First, there were the measurements, in- 
cluding digital joints, masilla, cranium, 
penis and car lobe. Next the rectal exam, 
the E.E.G. and the urine sample. And then 
the tests. Stress tests, patch tests, reflex 
tests, lung-capacity tests (1 blew up yellow 
alloons till they popped, then breathed 
into a machine the size of a Hammond or- 
gan), X rays, sperm count and a closely 
printed 24-page questionnaire that includ- 
ed sections on dream analysis, geneal- 
ogy and logic and reasoning. Maloney 
drew blood, too, of course—to test vital 
organ function and exposure to disease. 
“We're testing for antibodies to over fifty 
discases,” he said, eyes dodging behind 
the walls of his lenses. “Youd be surprised 
how many people have been infected with 
ош even knowing it." ] couldn't tell if he 
was joking or not. On the way out, he took 
my arm and told me he'd have the results 
in a week. 

That week was the happiest of my life. I 
with Breda every night, and over the 
weekend we drove up to Vermont to stay at 
a hygiene center her cousin had told her 
about. We dined by candlelight—on real 
food—and afterward, we donned the Sa- 
ran Wrap suits and made joyous, sanitary 
love. I wanted morc, of course—the touch, 
of skin on skin—but I was fulfilled and I 
was happy. Go slow, I told myself. АП 
things in time. One night, as we lay en- 
twined in the big white fortress of her bed, 


I stripped back the hood of the plastic suit 
and asked her if she'd ever trust me 
enough to make love in the way of the ce 
turies, raw and unprotected. She twisted 
free of her own wrapping and looked away, 
giving me that matchless patrician profile. 
“Yes,” she said, her voice pitched low, 
“yes, of cou 

“Results?” 

She turned to me, her eyes searching 
mine. “Don’t tell me you've forgotten.” 

I had. Carried away, intense, passion- 
imming with love, Га гроце 
“Silly you,” she murmured, tracing the 
lips with a slim, plastic-clad 
Does the name Michael Maloney 
ring a bell?” 


. Once the results are in." 


. 

And then the roof fell in. 

I called and there was no answer. I tried 
her at work and her secretary said she was 
ош. I left messages. She never called back 
It was as if we'd never known cach other, 
as if I were a stranger, a door-to-door 
salesman, a beggar on the street. 

I took up a vigil in front of her house. 
For a solid week, I sat in my parked car 
and watched the door with all the fanatic 
devotion of a pilgrim at a shrine. Nothing. 
She neither came nor went. I rang the 
phone off the hook, interrogated her 
friends, haunted the clevator, the hallway 
and the reception room at her office. She'd 
disappeared, 

Finally, in desperation, I called her 
cousin in Larchmont. Га met her once- 
she was a homely, droopy-sweatered, 
baleful-looking girl who represented ev- 


“Pm putting in cable.” 


erything gone wrong in the genes that had 
come to such glorious fruition in Breda— 
and barely knew what to say to her. Pd 


made up a speech, something about how 
my mother was dying in Phoenix, the busi- 
ness was on the rocks, I was drinking too 
much and dwelling on thoughts of suicide, 
destruction and final judgment, and I had 
to talk with Breda just c 
fore the end, and did she by any chance 
know where she was? As it turned out, 1 
didn’t need the speech. Breda answered 
the phone. 

“Breda, 
going crazy looking for yo 

Silence. 

“Breda, whats wr 
my messages?” 

Her voice was halting, distant 
see you anymore,” she said. 

"Can't see me?” I was stunned, hurt, 
angry. “What do you mean?” 

“All those fect,” she said, 

Feci?" It took me a minute to realize 
she was talking about the shoe business. 
“But I don't deal with anybody's feet—1 
work in an office. Like you. With air condi 
tioning and sealed windows. 1 haven't 
touched а foot since I was sixteen.” 

“Athlete's foot," she said. “Psoriasis. 
Eczema. Jungle rot.” 

What is it? The physical?” My voice 
cracked with ouwage. “Did I flunk the 
damn physical? Is that it?” 

She wouldn't answer me. 

A chill went through me. “What did he 
say? What did the son of a bitch say?” 

"There was a distant ticking over the 
line, the pulse of time and space, the gentle 
sway of Bell Telephone's hundred million 
les of wire 
“Listen,” I pleaded, “sce me one more 
time, just once—that's all Lask. We'll talk 
it over. We could go on a picnic. In the 
park. We could spread a blanket and, and 
we could sit on opposite corners—"" 

“Lyme disease,” she said 

“Lyme disease?” 

“Spread by tick bite. They're seething 
in the grass. You get Bell's palsy, meningi- 
tis, the lining of your brain swells up 1 
dough.” 

“Rockefeller Cs 
the fountain.” 

Her voice was dead. '* 
said. “They're like flying га 

“Helmuts. We can meet at Helmuts. 
Please. 1 love you 

“Pm sorry.” 

“Breda, please listen to me. We were 


be 


nore 


` E choked. 


Гуе been 


Didn't you get 


ng? 


1 can't 


nter, then,” I said, “by 


cons," she 


o 


close —— 

“Yes,” she said, “we were close,” and I 
thought of that first night in her apart- 
ment, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble and the 
n Wrap suit, thought of the whole 
dizzy spectacle of our romance tll her 
voice came down like a hammer on the re- 
frain, “but not that close. 


y] 


PIT BULL 


(continued from page 88) 

Alligator continued 10 fill the collection 
bottle for what seemed to Jack like five 
minutes 

Then it was over. They put Alligator 
back on the cable while Jack went to wash 
his hands with the hose. 

Squirrel checked the sperm content of 
ple with a photometer and pro- 
nounced it excellent. Then they mixed the 
semen with the milk and cooled the mi 
ture down to five degrees centigrade. Fiv 
hours later, they added glycerol to protect 
the sperm from freezing and placed sam- 
ples in clear-plastic straws, which they 
sealed and stored under liquid nitrogen in 
the refrigerator 

It w late after- 
noon. Alligator slept 


in the shade of his 
plywood shelter 
The sun came 
through the big win- 
dows of the porch 
which Jack’s mother 
once kept filled with 
plants. That was be- 
fore she walked out 
on Dexter. Now the 
shelves were 
empty and the squat 
stainless steel refrig- 
erator, which looked 
like a miniature 
space capsule, sat 
оп a table surround- 
cd by empty clay 
flowerpots. 

Jack held a straw 
up to the light. Milk 
crystals had formed, 
sparkling in the sun- 
light, Alligator's sap 
locked in the ice, 
awaiting life at the 


glass 


pleasure of the old 
jack 
dered at the thought 


shud- 


man 


of fierce dogs whose 
only love was battle, 
matched in a thou- 
sand pits. 
E 

Dumas, Dexter's trainer, made part of 
his living by catching rattlesnakes and sell- 
ing their venom to pharmaceutical compa- 
mies. He had not worked Dexter's corner 
for a long time, but in the old days he was 
always there during a tough fight. At the 
end of the barge he lived on was a row of 
es he was milk- 


cages where he kept sn 
ing. Usually, he milked them and let them 
loose in the woods, He claimed he could 
find a particular snake any time he wanted. 


Alligator trotted over and sniffed at the 


sacks. Then he backed off. 

“They won't stick their tusks in you,” 
said Dumas’ wife, Carrie. “Afraid they'll 
get poisoned.” Then she said to Dumas, 
“What you gonna do with all them 


snakes? You know they're not buying poi- 
son right now.” And turning to Jack, she 
continued, “He's been milking snakes all 
morning. One of these days, he's gonna get 
hisself bit.” 

Dumas laughed. “Why, a snake would 
belly up in five minutes, he bit into me.” 

They put Alligator into Dumas’ wooden 
skiff he had built it himself cut of cypress 
boards. Dumas took the oars and Jack sat 
with Alligator next to him 

“Get in there with the snakes and tur- 
iles," Jack said, and the dog went over the 
side without hesitation. 

Dumas rowed up the lake at a steady 
Alligator fallowed, swimming easily 

“Well work him about a quarter of a 
mile today,” Dumas said. "Won't overheat 


Amaretto di Joy 


To send a gift of Amaretto di Saronno anywhere In the US, call 1-800-238-4373. 
56 proof ©1988, Imported by The Paddington Corporation, Fort Les, NJ. Photo: Ken Nahoum. 


in the water.” 

Jack turned his back to Dumas and 
watched Alligator swim. He believed the 
dog would continue to swim until he want- 
ed him to stop. Swim all the way to fucking 
China. There was not a thing that he 
would have to say to him. That was why 
Dexter wanted him in the pit 

Alligator was the most dangerous thing 
in the lake, worse than some 100-pound 
snapping turtle lying in the mud on the 
bottom. And it was all because he had hot 
ns, not some thin, 
new the diff 


blood running in his ve 
cold, watery stuff. He 
between love and hate. 
“That dog smells like a skunk 
said. 


nee 


Dumas 


You could swim him all day long and 
he'd still smell,” Jack said. 
"He works good for you." 
"Why?" 
"Don't know. You raise him?" 
"Nope." 
“Some dogs just latch on to a person." 
“I don't even like him.” 
Jack pulled him over the side and Alli 
gator shook himself, spraying water on 
them. He sat in the bow and began licking 
himself dry. 
Sure you do," Dumas said. “Не knows 

it. See how good he worked." 

“Ain't going in the pit.” 

“1 know. But fights are won in train- 
ing." 

“Then we'll train him good.” 
How come your 
daddy wants to 
match him against 
the Firecracker?” 

“Breeding 


Jack told 
Dumas about the 
liquid-nitrogen re- 
frigerator and the 
semen collections. 
“He ain't that 
good. Twenty 
pounds is too much 
to give up. Won't be 
able 
that dog and bite 


to snatch up 


сап through his 
backbone.” 
“Then he'll lose 


Dexter Il have shot 
his wad.” 

“Maybe so.” Du- 
mas paused, pulling 
on the oars, which 

creaked in the oar- 
| etr | lods. "What that 
pus, dog needs is an 
edge,” he said. 

“How?” Jack 
knew that some 
handlers tried to 
cheat by putting 
poison or some bad 


AMARTIO 
SARONNO. 


tasting substance on 
their dogs. 

“Tve been hired 
to train and handle a dog,” Dumas said 
“1 don't plan on losing.” 

"Daddy! be mad; 
smart for any cheating.” 

“Well, we'll train him good. That's the 
best way.” 

Back at the barge, Dum: 
with a piece of tr 
over the limb of a big oak. Jack had Alliga- 
tor take the inner tube in his mouth. They 
pulled him up and let him hang suspended 
for a count of ten. Then they lowered him 
and let him pull on the inner tube before 
hoisting him again, the mu 


Blackmon's too 


s threw a rope 
ck inner tube tied to it 


cles in his neck 


bulging. 
‘Then they fed him. It was commercial 


149 


PLAYBOY 


150 


dog food out of a sack. Carrie poured 
broth over it, and Dumas added a liquid 
out of a small blue bote. 

“What's that?" Jack asked 

“Vitamins,” Dumas said. "We used to 
think red meat was what to get them ready 
with, Learned we was wrong about that 

Alligator sniffed at the food and walked 
away. 

Duma d, “Tell him to eat.” 

“Go on, dog,” Jack said. 

Alligator returned to the bowl and ate in 
his usual unhurried manner. 

“We'll swim him once a day for a 
while," Dumas said. “I want you to talk to 
him. Make a fuss over him. Pretend he's a 
girl you're sweet on.” 

Alligator got up and shook himself, a 
fine spray of water falling on Jack, the 
stink rising from the dog's damp coat. 

. 

Jack ran Alligator on the cat mill early 
Friday morning, the fight only one day 
away. People had come in for it from Texas 
and Louisiana, even from as far away as 
California. Dumas sat under an umbrella 
at the road to keep anyone from coming 
up to the house to get a look at Alligator. 
The dog pursued the fanged-goblin mask 
around and around. 

“Remember he's fighting tomorrow,” 
Dexter sai 

“Dumas says a short workout don’t 
hurt,” Jack said. 

“When you fin 


, 1 want you to put 


him in the house,” Dester said. “Next new 
thing he sces, I want it to be that 
cracker.” 

Alligator stopped working and Jack 
took him out of his harness. 
‘ou afraid of him?” Dexter asked. 
“Pm smart.” 


= 


“See that,” 
fields, which stretched away perfectly fat 


Dexter pointed off across the 


toward a distant tree line. “Dog’s gonna 
get that back for us.” Then he turned back 
to Jack. “I want you in the pit.” 

“Won't be my fault he gets beat. Dumas 
says he can't give up the twenty pounds." 

“Let me worry "bout that." Dexter 
again stared out wistlully at the fields that 
he had lost, “Next spring, we'll be working 
that land.” 

Alligator tugged on the lead, looking out 
across the same expanse. 

“Smells a rabbit," Dexter said. “That's 
why he needs to go inside until the fight. 
Wasting energy worryin' about rabbits.” 

Jack took Alligator to his room and set- 
tled him on the rug by his bed. He lay 
there staring up at the ceiling, smelling the 
stink of the dog and through the ópen w 
dow the early-autumn scent of barren 
fields and dead poplar leaves lying in 
heaps beneath the big tree by his window. 


A hawk hung in the high blue sky, turning 
in slow circles over the ditches and 
swamps. 


More than once he had thought of 


“Play the outraged husband if you 
must, but as your lawyer, I must advise against your 
doing anything rash!” 


shooting Alligator and destroying tl 
frozen semen, That would end everything. 
But it was too easy that way. He had to see 
Dexter embarrassed before his friends. Or 
maybe . . . maybe Dexter could make his 
crazy scheme work and get the land back 
Land that would be all his one day. 

Then, in Jack's mind, Alligator swelled 
up and took the land's place: His 
glazed over with a milky film, mu: 
his hind legs knotted and quivering, hi 
twisting as he searched for where the big 
red dog lived 


б 

On Saturday night, the people who were 
going to attend the fight met in the gravel 
parking lot of Bascomb's church, the 
moonlight shining off the tin roof, the bar- 
ren fields stretching away to distant lights. 
A school bus would carry them to the 
fight. Once a person got on the bus, he 
could not get off or leave the fight until it 
was all over. 

Jack followed in the truck with Dexter 
and Alligator. He felt the lump of thi f 
veight .38 under his jacket, Dexter 
ing $10,000 to bet on the fight and 
had insisted that Jack go armed. The old 
man was carrying a -«H-caliber derringer 
that had belonged to his father. 

Jack and Dexter and Dumas had built 
the pit close to onc of the rows of bleachers 
in the high school gym. It had plywood 
sides and a floor of green outdoor carpet. 
Dexter had taped scratch lines four lect 
from each corner. A dog would have to 
russ the liuc un signal, and апу dog that 
shied away would be declared the loser. 
Wash-and-rinse tubs full of warm water 
had been placed behind cach corner so the 
dogs could be washed belore the fight. 

They took Alligator out of the truck, the 
dog standing on the ground like an 
statuc. He turned his head slowly and 
sniffed the air, locating his enemy. 

“Knows he's gettin’ ready to fight” 
Dexter said. “Muzzle him. Already goin” 
crazy.” He turned to Jack. “You mind 
him. I'm countin’ on you." 

Jack slipped the muzzle on the dog, talk- 
ing softly to him, but it did no good. The 
dog Anew. And instead of the anticipation 
ofa dogfight, Jack felt as he used to before 

Phere was that dry smell 
of dying grass, the crickets chirping with a 
slower beat, and the night was cool. 

Inside, people were standing about on a 
gym floor where just one night before, his 
neighbors had held a Halloween carnival. 
‘The smell of whiskey hang in the air. Du- 
mas and Dexter both held leads attached 
to Alligator's collar. They tugged gently at 
them, afraid to do anything to set him off, 
and guided the dog slowly toward the pit 

The crowd fell silent as they crossed the 
floor. Alligator strained at the leads. Jack 
bent down and petted him, and it was like 
stroking a piece of iron. The dog’s claws 
clicked on the floor, his paws sl: y as he 
attempted to gain purchase on the waxed 
surface. 

Blackmon and the 


Texas Firecracker, 


big and red, waited by the side of the pit 
The Firecracker was unmuzzled and his 
trainer, Tudor, knelt beside him, the lead 
twisted around his hands. Alligator pre- 
tended not to see the other dog, but it was 
all Dumas and Dexter could do to keep 
him from pulling them right over into the 
ner. The Firecracker watched 
Alligator carcfully but did not move. Jack 
picked up Alligator to prevent him from 
wasting any morc energy. 

A Texas man wearing a white cowboy 
hat and a sharp black tux had been chosen 
referee, He directed them to wash down 
their dogs. He gave them two towels and a 
blanket apiece. The trainers washed down 
the opponent's dog. After they were done, 
Blackmon said, “Taste him.” 

“No, that’s not in 
the rules,” Jack said 

“Was ‘once,’ 
Blackmon said 

Dumas walked 
over from their cor- 


enemy's сє 


shed him,” 
Dumas said. "That's 
enough.” 

“What does the 
owner say?” Black- 
mon asked. “You 
have this old man 
taste the Firecrack- 
en 

“Go ahead,” Dex- 
ter said. “We got 
nothing to hide.” 

So as dog men 
had done at the start 
of the sport in Eng- 
land, Tudor licked 
Alligator from head 
to tail. He concen- 
trated on his cars, 
nose and hind leg: 

“Don't taste like 
nothing but scap,” 
Tudor said. 
wrapped Allig: 
a blanket and 
lifted Alli 
tor's stink had been 
brought out by the 
water. Squirrel was 
on the outside of the 
pit with a case of veterinary supplies. Peo- 
ple in the crowd were making bets 

“One thousand on the black dog,” a 
man shouted. 

“You covered,” the odds maker said. He 
looked up into the crowd, holding his arms 
above his head, and yelled, “Anybody 
else?” 

More bets were placed, Odds were run- 
ning three to one against Alligator. Dumas 
climbed out of the pit, leaving Jack alone 
with the dog. He took Alligator's muzzle 
off and removed the blanket, feeling him 
begin to tremble bencath his hands. Jack 
felt sick. 

“Face your dogs, gentlemen,” the refer- 
ces 


Jack wrapped both of his arms around 
Alligator and waited for the signal 

“Ready, gentlemen,” the referee said, 
nodding to the timekeeper. “Release your 
dogs.” 

The dogs ran straight for cach other, 
meeting in the center of the pit 

The Firecracker tried fora leg hold, sub- 
marining under Alligator as he went lor it 
but Alligator threw his own hind leg up on 
his back, and the red dog's teeth snapped 
at the air. The crowd gasped in approval. 
But immediately, as if at a signal, the 
crowd grew quict, and the dogs fought in 
absolute pin-drop silence. Jack watched 
the muscles in Alligator’s hind legs swell 
and hcard the tendons e little popping 
sounds as both dogs stood on their hind 


legs and used their [ront paws 
wrestlers. 

Jack went down on his hands and knees 
next to Alligator, encouraging him. Tudor 
bared his teeth and spit flew out of his 
mouth as he talked to Firecracker. Jack 
kept one eye on the little swamper in case 
he should come after him 

“Come on, baby!” Jack yelled. 

Tudor retorted, “Do it to him, Fire- 
cracker!” 

The red dog got a hold on Alligator's 
shoulder and pushed him to the carpet, 
shaking him hard. Finally, he tired and 
paused, allowing Alligator to break free 
and get a nose hold. He twisted and shook 
his head. But the red dog broke the hold. 


pez | 


Fificen minutes had gone by, and both 
dogs paused fora moment, standing inch- 
es away from each other. The red dog 
turned his head and shoulders away from 
Alligator and then went for an car hold 
and shook the black dog. 

"There's a turn! A tum!” Dumas shout- 
ed 

The referee allowed them to pick up 
their dogs because the red dog had tumed 
away from Alligator. But it was another 
ten minutes before the red dog lost his 
hold and the two were separated. Now the 
red dog would have to scratch, to see if he 
were willing to cross the line. Jack wiped 
the blood off Alligator's shoulder and 
checked his mouth for broken teeth. 

“See, he didn't keep hold long,” Dumas 
whispered to Jack 
“Don’t like the taste 


of him. Firecrack- 
erll wear hisself 
out.” 


Jack wrapped his 
arms around Alliga- 
tor hard, thinking it 
looked as if he had a 
chance of winning. 
The red dog did not 
seem to have his 
heart in the thing. 
The crowd contin- 
ued to yell. 
“Get ready," the 
timekeeper called 
“Twenty-five sec- 
опе, gentlemen," 
the referee said 
“Face your dogs.” 
Jack held Alliga- 
tor, waiting for the 
charge of the Fire- 
cracker. 
"Red dog ready?" 
the referee said. 
“Tudor nodded. 
“Let's go," the 
timekceper yelled. 
“Release your 
the referee 


shot 
across the pit with 
no hesitation. Jack 
waited until he was 
only a few feet away and then let go of Alli- 
gator, who submarined under Firecracker, 
twisting his head and going for a hold on a 
hind leg. But he missed, and then the red 
dog closed his jaws on Alligator's hind leg 
just above the hock. Jack did not hear 
bone cracking. Alligator got a hold on the 
red dog's shoulder, both animals now 
locked together, shaking cach other until 
they both were exhausted. The fight was 
now one hour and a half old. 

“Crunch that bone!” Tudor yelled to his 
fighter. “Want to hear it break.” 

“Running out of gas,” Jack said to Alli- 
gator. “Hang in there.” 

“Red док give,” Dumas kept saying. 
“Red dogll give.” Then, in a whisper 


151 


PLAYBOY 


152 


when Jack came close enough to the cor- 
"Won't the taste.” 
ifteen minutes passed, both dogs still 
locked together, each only occasionally 
shaking his hold. Jack knew that when 
Firecracker eventually gave up his hold, 
Alligator would be doomed by that in- 
jured hind leg, at the mercy of a larger 
dog. 

Then the red dog relaxed his grip, al- 
lowing Alligator to twist frec. 

at old man's putting poison on 

Tudor yelled at the referee. “You 


watch 

The crowd cheered and more money 
was passed. Alligator's hold slipped off 
and cracker turn faulted when 
the smaller dog jumped for a hold on his 
upper jaw. Jack yanked Alligator out at 
the next opportunity. He sponged him olf, 
Tudor yelling all the time to the referee, 
“Look out! Look out for the poison!” 
Dumas checked the hind leg. Jack mas- 
saged him. The fight was now about two 
hours old. 

“Went clean through,” Dumas said 
“Bone’s all right.” 

“You watch the old man, Mr. Referce!” 
Tudor shouted. “I want to taste their wa- 
ter.” Tudor came across the pil 

“Go ahead,” Dexter said, and Dumas 
handed him the pail, ‘Tudor scooped up 
some bloody water in his palm and gulped 
it down, wincing. 

“Drink the whole fuckin’ pail,” Jack 
said. 

Tudor spit. 


“Taste blood, that's all.” Tudor yelled it 
across the pit to BI оп. 

The referee ordered them to face their 
dogs. Firecracker hesitated just for a mo- 
ment before running across the pit to Alli- 
gator, and the dogs went at it ag 
covered in blood. The carpet was 
with it. By now the crowd had become as 
sluggish as the dogs. 

Alligator's left car was shredded and a 
stream of red ran down to his hind leg. He 
never hinted at turning away. 

Firecracker scratched three more times, 
cach time hesitating more than the last, 
before he shot across the pit toward Alliga- 
tor’s corner, Tudor kept complaining to 
the referee that Dumas was putting poison 
on his dog. 
ight came up on the three-hour 
k. Both dogs were fighting in slow mo- 
tion. Firecracker got Alligator down by 
ing his superior weight and bit deep into 
his shoulder again, shaking him like a ter- 
rier would shake a rat until, exhausted, the 
red dog collapsed on top of him 

"Kill him, kill him, kill him!" Tudor 
chanted. 

“Come on, baby, get up,” Jack coaxed, 
his face not six inches from Alligator’s 
head. 

He smelled the sweet metallic tang of 
blood, the air around the pit heavy with it 
now 

“Got that red dog!” Dumas shouted 
“Worn out!” 

But Alligator did not look much better 
to Jack. The dog should be lying in some 


“I knew il would come to this. First 
they advertise condoms . . . now they show you 
how to put one on.” 


quiet place with a quart of Ringer's solu- 
tion dripping into him. 

Jack took one step to pick up All 
but suddenly the dog twisted beni 
big red dog, finding a chest hold, rolling 
the Firecracker ov 
shaking the larger dog as if he were a rat 
The red dog wheezed and coughed as he 
attempted to breathe. 

Then the Firecracker just q 

“That's it,” Blackmon said. 

“Alligator of 
three hours and ten minutes.” the referee 
announced 
Jack took the breaking stick and stepped 
forward, but Dexter snatched it from him. 

“It’s not over yet,” Dexter said. “God- 
damn, he’s dead game.” 

Dexter knelt beside Alligator and stuck 
the tip of the stick into the back of his jaw. 

“Pick up your dog, Blackmon,” he said. 
“Alligator fight till he's dead. You'll 
see. 

“They fight anymore, both those dogs 
to die,” Blackmon said. “My 

tin’ today." 
ison on that hule dog,” Tu- 
shaking his head. 

“Shut up,” Blackmon said to him. “It 
was a fair fight.” 

"Tudor ran over and lapped at Alliga- 
tor's water again. “Nothing, damn it," he 
said. 

Dexter looked toward the crowd and 
said, very deliberately, “Hed be dead 
game. Damn red dog quit. " 

Jack realized then that Dexter had 
counted on Firecracker's beat 


t the same time and 


on—that would have made him worth 
double at stud. "Dead game" was a holy 
incantation among pit-bull handlers. 

Dexter twisted the stick to try to make 
Alligator let go. 

“Pinch his nostrils shut,” Blackmon 
suggested. 

Dexter put his hand on Alligator’s nose. 
Suddenly, the dog let go and turned on 
him, kno im to the carpet. Alligator 
sc un- 
derneath the old man’s ribs, and began 
shaking, it all happening so fast no one 
had a chance to move. It seemed kto 
ake forever . . . but he took three steps to 
his father and pulled the Airweight out of 
its holster. 

He shoved the barrel into Alligator's 
car. He pulled the trigger. 

Instead of releasing, the dog shook Dex- 
ter harder than before. Jack shot again 
ligator kept on shaking, blood and brains 
splattered on the surface of the pit. After 
the third round, he finally lay still. They 
had to use the breaking stick to pry apart 
dead jaws. 


cnough dead game,” some- 
one in the crowd yelled. 

Dexter looked real bad. He had turned 
the gray color of November soybean stub- 
ble and was barely conscious. Squirrel 
punched the Ringer's solution into the old 


man’s arm and they carried him to the 
parking lot. 
. 

Dexter escaped with just two broken 
ribs. He had bet for Alligator to lose, and 
the entire $10,000 was gone, But people 
had heard about the semen stored under 
liquid nitrogen: ‘The phone rang constant- 
ly with inquiries from breeders, owners 
and fans. Dexter talked to them from his 
bed, quoting prices and writing down or- 
ders in a green account ledger. 


mo box he used to carry shotgun shells on 
dove hunts. 

“When you gonna start selling?” Jack 
ed 

“When I'm good and ready." Dexter 
wore a pistol at his hip. “Let's go for a 
ride,” 

“We going shooting?” 

“Boy, you ask too damn many ques- 
tions." 

Dexter drove out across the levec and 
then to a ruined park Dexter had once 
built for the community. The roof of the 
arbor had fallen in and honeysuckle vines 
climbed up the sides. A jungle of weeds 
and small trees had grown up, much of it 
sumac whose leaves had turned blood-red. 
Jack followed his father, who carried the 
ammo box, out into the thicket, and they 
made their way out to the sand bar. Jack 
kept expecting to step on a snake. He gave 
up worrying when he realized he couldn't 
even sec his own fect in the tangle. 

When they came out of the jungle onto 
the sand bar, the river appeared wide and 
brown before them, the Arkansas shore 
thick with willows. whose leaves had most- 
ly fallen off, leaving the bare trunks grow- 
ng at an angle over the water. Dexter 
walked down to the water, the river mak- 
ing a sucking sound as it moved past the 
sand bar. He put the ammo box on the 
sand. 

Dexter took the pistol out of the holster. 
It was his favorite .357 Magnum, and he 
offered it to Jack butt first 

“What are you waiting for?” Dexter 
asked. 

“What” 

“Thought you wanted me dead,” Dex- 
ter said. Jack looked olf at the river. 
“Killing’s casy. Living's hard. Thought 
you'd learned that oll in the war.” 

The pistol in Jack's hand felt as if it 
weighed a thousand pounds, his arm 
hanging slack by his side. 

Dexter knelt down and opened up the 
ammo box, its lid popping, open with a 
clunk. He pulled out a handful of pla 
straw: 


n't let the people breed more crazy 
dogs," Dexter said. "Won't make enough 
money off the stull, anyway. You were 
right.” 


“They re already ruined,” Jack said. 

He tossed the pistol onto the sand and 
took a straw out of the box. Holding it up 
to the light, he saw that the crystals were 
gone. Nothing remained but a milk-shake 
slush. He felt like shooting Dexter and was 
glad he had dropped the pistol. 

“The land?” Jack asked 

"Lost." 

"The old man tossed straws into the 
er, onc by one. They floated on the brown 
water, bobbing in the current. 

Dexter said, “For the fish.” 

“How will you live now?” 

Dexter picked up the ammo box and 
emptied the rest of the straws into the riv- 
er. “Best way 1 can 

uddenly, Jack embraced his father, 
hugging him as tight as he had held Alli- 
gator in the pit 

“Careful, my ril 


ипе way you will. 


Dexter said. 


A towboat pushing a string of barges 
came into view around the bend and gave 
a blast on its hori 

“Maybe 1 can find some work in Or- 
leans,” Jack said. "Offshore oil, That's 
good money.” 

“Go dow! 
said. 

The straws were gone now, Noating 
down to the Gulf, and just the empty 
brown water and the towboat, approach- 
ing in the distance. [1 blew its horn again. 

Together, they left the sand bar. Dexter 
had trouble climbing up the slope into the 
jungle, and Jack gave him his hand, 
pulling him up the slipperv bank. He led 
Dexter into the dense insect-loud brambles 
of cane, briers and sumac, holding branch- 
es aside and breaking trail as they walked 
across the ruined park back to the truck. 


E 


there if you want,” Dexter 


“ thought he was a stiff the first couple of weeks, but 
suddenly, the money kicked in.” 


183 


PLAYBOY 


154 


CARS '88 


(continued from page 111) 
all over the map in this category, but the 
Mazda RX-7 Turbo Convertible squeaked 
by the competition. Stevens and Gross 
liked it. ( New—a bit 
different equipped with a 
wind deflector. Its price, $21,800, versus 
that of the RX-7 coupe, is so low it must be 
a mistake.") Other votes went to the Mer- 
cedes-Benz 300E (Cogan), the Porsche 911 
Cabriolet (Lamm), the Ford Mustang GT 
convertible ( Јсапеѕ) and the BMW M3. 

. 

Best Over-all New Car: You guessed 
it; the big Bimmer, the BMW 7501, 
pulled votes from direc of our six pan- 
elists—Lamm, Stevens and Gross (the last 
saying, “Best new engine and best import 
sedan. BMW’s new 12 is outselling the S- 
class Mercedes in Germany. Do you sup- 
pose they know something?”). Other votes 
went to the Mercedes 300CE Coupe (Co- 
gan), the Mazda 929 (Yates said i 
“engincering sex goddess in a hause 
dress”) and the Honda Prelude (Jeanes, 
who would have picked the Lincoln Conti- 
nental "if it weren't available with those 
awful casket-upholstery interiors”). 

. 

Best Suspension: The Mercedes-Benz 
560SEL pulled way ahead of the pack with 
four votes—those of Cogan, Stevens, Yates 
and Lamm. Lamm explained that while 
the Lig Benz was a bit stiff for some tastes, 
it was still his favorite, with BMW and 
Jaguar “just back of the Mercedes’ bump- 
cr.” Other choices were the BMW 750iL 
(Jeanes) and the Jaguar XJ6 (Gross), 
which “just edged out the BMW 750177 

. 

Best Car for Trouble-Free Opera- 
tion: For day-to-day reliability, nothing 
beats the Honda Accord, in the opinion of 
four judges (Сорап, Jeanes, Stevens and 
Gross). Said Gross, “This car is like a hair 


"s an 


drier, You take it out of the box and it 
works without fail for ten years. Then you 
buy another one.” Other votes went to the 


Toyota Camry (Lamm: “There has to be a 
Toyota at the head of this list. Toyota 
earned that reputation and hasn't forgot- 


ten how it was earned. We're talking am 
here") and the Acura Integra (Yates 
“These guys are beginning to act like the 
smug bastards with the 160 LQ. who ran 
straight A’s in your calculus class”). 

. 

Best Engincering Innovation: Hon- 
da's latest contribution, four-wheel steer- 
ing as available on the Prelude Si, picked 
up five of our judges’ six votes. Yates won- 
dered, however, if “it’s the first sign of 
technological overkill.” Cogan was the 
lone holdout, Toyota's super- 
his car handles 
id when that’s the case, adding 
power is always a great idea.” 

. 

Best New Feature: The optional Buick 
Riviera cellular phone, which is built in 
and hands-free, got the call from four of 
our judges, mainly because, as Lamm put 
i'd "vote for anything that would get 
hands back on the wheel, which is 
they belong.” Jeanes agreed, saying, 
“Now you can ride down the freeways 
yelling "Get me Bernie on the Coast’ with- 
out endangering your fellow motorists 
You even call Buick to find out how 
that TV-monitor dashboard works.” 
Gross's vote went to Mazda's new wind 
deflector that’s incorporated 
vertible: “Long-hairs, take note: Maz- 
da brings you the breeze without the wind- 
blown look.” Yates chose the Chevrolet 
Corvette ZR-Rated supcr-high-perform- 
if they could only make 
the car as good as the tires... 

These are our winners for the best of 
breed in 19 categories for 1988. Take the 
information and ease on down your own 
road driving the wheels of your choice. 
Happy motoring. 


“Now remember, if you start flapping your wings during 
the jump, you'll be disqualified!” 


TRUE NORTH 


(continued from page 105) 

We're not as dumb as Tuchman think 

Most of us suspected that the Oliver 
North story was more complicated than 
that, but we didn’t have much information 
to go on. So we shut up and walked 
through the bookstores and newsstands 
and airports that were clogged with the 
trappings of Olliemania. To calm my own 
suspicions, I went to Washington, D.C. I 
was working on the theory that no man is a 
hero to his colleagues, that if you want the 
scoop on an individual, you interview his 
peers; so I talked with people who h: 
served with North in the Marine Corps 
and on the National Security Council stall. 

Every source I quote is a combat veter- 
an. Each one knew North personally 
Most of my sources are still active-duty 
Marines or intelligence personnel. ‘Thev 
have some interes: stories to tell about 
their experiences with Oliver North, sto- 
ries that run contrary to the publicized im- 
ages of him. North is, to these men, more 
complex than the TV picture we absorbed 
last summer. Much more. 

. 

“Let's have lunch with Ollie,” one for- 
mer Marine officer wrote to another last 
July. “He can lie to Congress, but he can't 
lie to us.” That comment may sound 
flippant, but if so, the flippancy has been 
well earned. Those two former Marines 
are Vietnam veterans who spent several 
months at Khe Sanh in 1968, participating 
in one of the most difficult battles in 
Marine Corps history. 

Talk with Marines who know North and 

have served with him, and if you are an 
outsider, an automatic code of silence will 
go into effect. You will be frozen out. Its 
nothing personal, really. The Marine 
Corps is one of the last truly tight-knit or- 
ganizations in this culture, t protects 
its own people with fierce loyalty. But if 
you are a former Marine (as | am), an in- 
sider by virtue of your training and serv- 
ice, you will find Marines willing to talk 
with you frankly, if anonymously, about 
Oliver North. 
s display a consistent reaction 
you ask about the veracity of North's 
public image: They laugh at the gulf be- 
tween the illusion and the reality. They 
are amused at how simplistically North 
has been portrayed. They think that the 
American people got only one side of the 
Oliver North story during the Iran/Contra 
hearings—not “the good, the bad and the 
ugly,” as North claimed he was giving us, 
but something more like “the good, the 
better and the best.” There is, the Marines 
h whom I talked suggest, a large varia- 
tion between true North and magnetic 
North, between the complex human being 
they know and the simple public picture 
песа of him, 

The bare bones of North’s career are 
these: Born in 1943 in Texas (the son of an 
Army officer who carned a Silv 


World War Two), raised in the state of 
New York, North graduated from high 
school in Philmont, New York, in 1961. He 
took classes at State University College of 
New York at Brockport in 1963 (school 
officials deny North's claim that he earned 
a degree there). He attended the United 
States Naval Academy, lost a year of 
school after he was badly injured in 
an automobile accident, graduated from 
Annapolis in 1968 (his class yearbook 
says he “expertly concealed his scholarly 
attributes from all but the Bull Depart- 
ment"), accepted a commission at gradua- 
tion as a second lieutenant in the Manne 
upon completion of Basi 
course of instruction for 
all newly commissioned Marine officers) 
at Quantico, Virginia, in November 1968, 
found himself with orders to go to Vietnam. 

North served in South Vietnam as an 
Infantry platoon commander from De- 
cember 3, 1968, to Augus! 1969, In 
that time, he perlormed aggressively in 
combat, winning both a Silver Star and a 
Bronze Star. He left Vietnam in late 
November 1969 for an assignment as an 
instructor at Bas hool. From 1969 to 
1973, North remained at Quantico. He 
was promoted to captain in 1971. In 1973 
and 1974, he ser on Okinawa as officer 
in charge of the Northern Training Area 
(essentially a jungle-warfare school). 

In December 1974, something un- 
planned happened to Oliver North. The 
ails are murky, the records unavailable, 
is generally accepted among his col- 
leagues that he cracked up. He was found 
in a state of high anxiety one day, holding 
his .45-caliber pistol and threate i 
cide, He spent 22 days in Bethese 
Hospital, near Washington, D.C. The 
official diagnosis, according to reliable re- 
ports, was “delayed battle stress.” 

The Marines who knew North at that 
time were not willing to go into too many 
details for the record, but there were com- 
mon elements in their memories. Accord- 
ing to them, rth had exhausted himself 
physically and emotionally while running 
the Northern Training Area, and it was at 
that juncture that he also had to face some 
very real problems with his marriage and 
his family back in the U.S.A. 

“Twas in Washington in 1974 when Ol- 
lie got back from Okinawa,” one Marine 
reports. “He was interviewing for a posi- 
tion at Eighth and 1, the Marine Corps 
barracks in D.C. It’s the show place of the 
Marine Corps, really, a spit-and-polish 
billet with lots of parades and reviews 
The next thing I knew, Ollie had disap- 
peared. He didn't get the Eighth and I 
post. I was told he'd had some kind of nerv- 
ous breakdown. I won't go into the part 
ulars. but I think Ollie was affected by 
lot more than combat stress.” 

After his release from Bethesda, North 
spent the next four years as a manpower 
analyst at Marine Corps Headquarters in 
Washington, D.C. In June 1978, he was 
sent to Gamp Lejeune, North Carolina, 


where he was promoted to major and 
served as a battalion staff officer for two 
years. He then attended the Naval War 
College in Newport, Rhode Island. On 
August 4, 1981, he was assigned to duty 
with the National Security Council. He 
was promoted to lieutenant colonel on Oc- 
tober 1, 1983. 

That's the basic structure of North's ca- 
reer, and it is fine as far as it goes. But 
North apparently took it further. Accord- 
ing to Marines who should know, he pre- 
sented inflated credentials in the grand 
Eighties tradition of the fictional resume 
and the exaggerated autobiography. Men 
in the public eye, such as Gary Hart, Joe 
Biden and Pat Robertson. have all been 
wed with creating their own myths, 
editing their lives, inventing themselves, 
fictionalizing their exploits. North, to 
some, is also a man who has played loosely 
with biographical truth, who has orches- 
trated some significant elaborations about 
his own history. 

“Ollie came over to the Ni staff in 
1981," says a man ГЇЇ call Max, a profes- 
sional intelligence officer who is still active 
in some of the most difficult assignments 
available. It is part of his job to keep a 
close watch on the world’s dangerous 
characters. He is as tough as they come, 
and he has been down some alleys that 
North has only dreamed about. 
nam veteran himself, Max speaks in con- 
trolled, bemused tones about a man he 
knows well. Ironically, we are sitting in 
Lalayette Square, across from the old Ex- 
ecutive Office Building, the home of the 
National Security Council. 

“In 1983, North wrote a single-page 
ography,” Max says. “It’s been with- 
drawn since then, but you should see it. 
It's pure Ollie North, and it's also pure 
bullshit. He writes that he ‘participated in 
both conventional and unconventional 
warfare operations in Southeast Asia.’ 
He's putting that down in print. It's sup- 
posed to hint that he was playing Green 
Beret on the Ho Chi Minh Trail or that he 
was doing cross-border operations into 
Laos and Cambodia. He used to tell peo- 
ple those war storics, you know. But here 
he’s submitting them as truth in an autobi- 
ographical document fer the NSC. And 
that ‘unconventional warfare operations’ 
stuff is bullshit. Ollie North was an 03, an 
Infantry officer in a line company—noth- 
ing morc, nothing less. 

"Look at the rest of this biography. 
When we got this piece of paper at the 
NSC, we laughed and laughed. "Major 
North is responsible for national-level con- 
tingency planning, crisis management and 
counterterrorism.” Do you suppose any of 
the rest of us on the NSC had any respon- 
sibilities? Was he really in charge of all 
that, as he claims? No way, José. You still 
reading? ‘He has organized and directed 
combined operations with more than a 
dozen of our allics.' This is dated Septem- 
he’s been on the staff two years 
at this time and he’s directing combined 


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operations with our allies? Sounds like 
grade-A bullshit to me. Ollie's writing a 
novel here. He's claiming primary respon- 
sibility in arcas where he was nothing spe- 
cial, just another gofer. 

“This whole damned bio sheet is sus- 
pect. He says he “has published works i 
various military journals? Where are 
they? We can’t find them.” 

Max hands the sheet of paper to me 
with a chuckle. It is autumn in Washing- 
ton, still hot and muggy, and as I read 


North’s description of himself, 1 think of 


the years he worked in the building I can 
see from where 1 am sitting. 
“You w 


iow what we think of Ol- 
" Max asks. "We think he's 
the ultimate self-promoter. He's out there 
blowing his own bugle, baby. Full blast. 
All the time. And here he is, in print, for 
the record, jiving us as usual. 

We sit for a time without talking. Max 
fidgets, stands up to leave, sits down again. 

"One more thing. It may 
but it really has a lot to do with how 
America looks at this guy. Oliver North 
never wore his uniform to work while he 
was with the NSC. Not for six years. Not 
until the day he was fired. He wore civilian 
clothes at all times. I've often wondered 
how his testimony would have gone down 
if he'd been si there in front of the 
Iran/Contra committee in a three-piece 
suit. You know how many Marines hated 
to sce him up there in that uniform? He 
dragged the corps into the scandal and 
he successfully exploited the image. But he 
wasn't working for the Marine Corps 
when he did all that slick NSC stufl. So he 
should have left the corps out of it.” 

‘This is the one theme I heard more than 
any other from the Marines who had 
worked with Oliver North. They were 
frustrated with their power! 
rect the image he had projected of a 
Marine officer, in uniform, admitting that 
he lied to his superiors, shredded vital evi- 
dence and deccived the nati 

SI worked with Ollie practically every 
day for five years,” Max says. “Гус seen 
him kiss ass like a choirboy and Гус seen 
him buddy up to admirals and generals on 
a first-name basis. I've heard Fawn Hall 
n asshole when he got too stuck 
- Гуе been on secret trips where 
I was embarrassed to be with him, he was 
so standoflish and undiplomatic.” 

Task a question that has bothered me 
for a long time: How did a man with some 
у erratic behavior in his past gain en- 
ce to an agency as important as the 
National Security Council? 

Max smiles. “If you understood Ollie's 
story at the NSC, it might help put him 
in perspective. Ollic was at the Naval War 
College in 1980. That's a one-year stint, 
but he made the most of it. He wrote a 
per about (he recommissioning of World 
War Two batileships. Why did he choose 
that subject? Well, it may be more than a 
coincidence that the recommissioning ol 


seem small, 


mess to cor. 


World War Two bat 
to be the pet project of the new Secretary 
of the Navy at the time, John Lehman 
And it may be more than a coincidence 
that Ollie's paper ended up on Lehman’s 
desk. Ollie and Lehman got to be buddies, 
and Lehman had a lot to do with North's 
SC appointment. 

“When Ollie got to the NSC, he was 
basically an casel carrier. He helped set up. 
exhibits and carry briefcases when sei 
oflicers went up to Capitol Hill to testi 
Luckily for Ollie, the Reagan Administra- 
tion was in the process of making the NSC 
its secret operational arm in all s 
crises. ОШе was in the right place at the 
right time, made himself noticed by work- 
ing nights and weekends, became indis- 
pensable in small ways that started to 
grow as the NSC grew. The Reagan Ad- 
ministration was saying, "We're looking for 
and Ollic was say- 
1 just happen to have my horse with 
And when Ollic and Bill Casey met, 
it was two character flaws falling in love 
with cach other. But let me make it clear: 
No matter what Ollie says on his own bio 
sheet, he was never the number-one hon- 
cho; he was not top dog in every depart- 
ment at the NSC. He had bosses. He had 
people to report to.” 

Max talks about his exasperation as he 
watched North testify at the Iran/Contra 
hearings, “I started yelling at the TV set. I 
couldn't believe how much they were let- 
ting him get away with. Finally. 1 went up 
to one of the Senators 1 know. ‘Why don't 
you blow him away? I asked. "Why are 
you letting him build himself into a nation- 
al hero? You know his real biography. He's 
not that special, He's got some glitches.” 
The Senator didn't even blink. ‘Nobody 
wants to take him on,’ he said. "We know 
his lily. But nobody wants to 
bad guy. " 

Max and I shake hands and part com- 
pany, It is dusk. There are lights on in the 
windows of the NSC olfices as I jog by d 
xecutivo Office Building later that 
evening, I laugh to myself, wondering how 
many nights Oliver North worked under 
those lights. wondering whether the brief 
biography of North that Max showed me 
had been prepared and typed in that very 
building. 

This business of North's exaggerated 
claims and false credentials crops up often 
as Marines reflect on his image. Re 
Marine lieutenant general Victor Kru 
wrote a column about that for the 
Diego Tribune: “There has been a lot of 
press discussion about what a two-fisted 
man North is. His combat exploits 
re romanticized, like the 
y-supplement tale of his valiant 
singlehanded midnight foray across the 
Demilitarized Zone to capture and bring 
back a North Viemamese prisoner. It is an 
exciting story, but, like many others, it 
never happened.” 

A former Marine Corps ollicer who 


ips just happened 


jor 


s of 


а few good cowboy 


n; 


me 


knew him well told me that North had had 
an early reputation for self-promotion 
“Tm a charter member of the Olliewatch- 
ers Club “A bunch of us formed 
it back in Basic School when we wer 
missioned. We've been watching Ol 
mote himself since 1968, He was in 
Basic School class and he stood out. For 
one thing, he was politically well connect- 
ed. He always had a godfather, some 
senior officer looking out for him. For an- 
other, he hyped himself all the time. I re- 
member working with Ollie on Okinaw 
in 1973 and 1974. He did a good job run- 
ning the Northern Training Area, But he 
also called newspapers and reporters and 
got himself written up in the Navy Times 
and places like that. He was such a public- 
ity hound. The Ollicwatchers laugh about 
it. Marine officers don't go around arrang- 
ing their own PR. But Ollie did. That's 
just his natur 
To a man, the Marines with whom I 
alked resented North's continual search 
for the spotlight. “Showboat” and “hot 
dog” were terms often used to describe 
him by men who had won as many medals 
as he had, run as many risks. 
‘North's not like any other 
officer I've ever known,” one active 


Marine 
-duty 
at the 20th reunion of 
recently. D looked 
ghi and T thought 


Marine says. “I w 
Khé veterans 
around the room that 
about what great guys these Marines аг 
what shit they'd been through in Vietnam, 
how modest they were about it. Most of 
them were quality people then and are 
quality people now—really normal guys 
who went through hell and then. came 
back to America and tried to adjust. Some 
of them stayed in the corps and did their 
jobs and got promoted or passed over, but 
I'm here to tell you, they neve 
of attention to themselves. Som 
let the Marine Corps and 
lawyers, stockbrokers, real-estate sale 
men. One of my buddies is a janitor in 
Alaska, Another writes children's books. 
Another runs a truck stop in Florida. Nor- 
al guys who adjusted as best they could 
They would never think of showboating 
the way Ollie does. They really don't ap- 
prove of that. They sec him as a very 
strange anomaly, a two-percenter. He's 
out on the fringe; that's all I can tell you.” 

The perception that North was some- 
how outside the normal bounda: of a 
M: officer's conduct, that he was too 
willing to hype himself to his bureaucratic 
bosses at the NSC, too eager to succeed 
and achieve in the civilian world wl 
holding a military 
through most of the 
about him. E m 
him in his years saw him as a per- 
son who had lost the sharp focus of the 
combat Marine and had turned himselfin- 
to an office politician. 

“Oliver North is a tremendously com- 
ples man,” says a Marine officer who 
served with him at various times over a 


Sanh 


drew a lot 
of them 


became 


in 


commission 
omments I heard 


van 


who had admired 


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157 


PLAYBOY 


158 


period of ten years. “Belore his problems 
in 1974, he was one of the best officers Га 
ever served with. He was good in combat, 
outstanding as an instructor at Quantico, 
terrific on Ok а when he was running 

the Northern Training Area. I remember 
once I literally put my life in his hands 
when he taught me how to rappel out of a 
pter. We were hovering 100 
Okinawan jungle, and he 
nap link to my line, checked the 
knot and out of that chopper I went. He 
was cool and competent, and if he'd 
screwed up that day in 1971, l'd be dead. 
It’s as simple as that. 

“But Ollie went through tremendous. 
changes at the end of 1974. Face it: Hospi- 
talization for emotional problems could 
have a strong negative impact on an of- 
ficor's advancement within the corps. 

“I saw North at a Marine Corps Birth- 
day Ball after he joined the NSC, and I 
was surprised at his appearance. He had 
the demeanor of a politician. There he was 
in his dress blues, medals and all, but he 
needed a haircut and he was ng like 
an Assistant Secretary of State. He was 
trying to be a bureaucrat, not a gung-ho 
Infantry officer. I watched him at the 
Iran/Contra hı gs and I felt the same 
Take off the uniform, Ollie, I kept 
mumbling at the TV. ‘Don’t bring the 
Marine uniform into that charged political 
atmosphere. A Marine officer doesn’t lie to 
Congress. He doesn't fudge the truth. He 
doesn't shred documents. He stays politi- 
cally neutral, because thats what his 
officer's commission requires him to be." 

“The real truth about Oliver North? 
He's an unusual alloy, a strange combina- 
tion of things. He h displayed real 
courage in combat, and wo this day. I 


would follow him into battle any time, 
anywhere. But he's also got an enormous 
cgo when it comes to seli motion. Both 
halves of that equation are true. but I sus- 
pect that sometimes those two con 
parts collide. The bureaucratic self-pro- 
moter and the combat Marine mect at his 
center and cancel cach other out. What 
happens to him then? I don't know, but 
maybe he loses sight of himself and has no 
idea at that time who he really 

There is a fecling among North’s fellow 
officers that Marines belong somewhere 
other than the heady environs of the State 
Department and the NSC. They see North 
as a man who, essentially, got fancy. They 
think he didn't really know what he was 
doing as he tried to participate in allairs of 
state. He was holding the commission of a 
Marine Corps officer, but, in the opinion 
of some of his colleagues, he seems to have 
forgotten that. They think his actions dis- 
play truly bad judgment. Bad as in deadly, 

“I almost dropped at the knees when I 
d about Ollie's helping with arms 


ting 


sales to Iran,” says one former battalion 
commander who served in Beirut in the 
сапу Eighties. “He should have known 
better. 


Those Iranians sponsored the ter- 
who blew up the Marine barracks 
n Beirut and killed 241 of our men. What 
was Ollic doing selling weapons and mi 
siles to those bastards? 

“I think I know something about what 
Ollie experienced at the NSC. He felt like 
a big shot. Гуе been there. When I walked 
around Beirut, the press wanted to talk to 
me. I liked that. 1 liked being lionized, 
being interviewed, There's a зау 
money doesn’t get you, power will.” 
derstood that. And I guarded agains 
But 1 think Ollie held himself in awe. And 


“Thas is your captain speaking—the blonde stewardess 
with the big tits is mine.” 


he made some lousy judgments, like back- 
ing arms sales to our enemies. 
The man pauses, searching for words. I 
remember how, when the news of the 
bombing of the Marine barracks irut 
reached me, I almost vomited. I remem- 
ber exactly where I was, what I was doing, 
how quickly I left the room to be by myself 
and hold down the nausea. That may seem 
melodramatic 10 some people, but once a 
Marine, alwavs a Marine; you identify 
with the corps, no matter what your politi- 
cal convictions, and the men who are lost 
long after you leave the Service are still, 
rms. 
called Ollie 
Licutenant Colonel Rambo long before the 
public got 10 know about him. The only 
way I can put it is this: Some guys have a 
hidden agenda; you know what | mean? 
Some guys want to be in Marine recon a 
little t00 much. They want to carry lots of 
ammo and four kinds of knives and wear 
camouflage paint, even in the mess hall. 
They hot dog it in front of the troops and 
the troaps love it, but you have to ask 
yourself what the agenda is for those guys. 
1 always thought Ollie had a hidden agen- 
da. I think he loved power and glory a lit- 
tle too much. I never would have agreed to 
sell missiles to the people who blew up my 
men, not for all the praise in Washington, 
D.C. But Ollie had another agenda. I'm 
not saying he favored the bombing of the 
barracks. I'm saving he didn't think clear- 
ly about the consequences of his actions 
He wanted glory. And he got it. Sort of." 
Ollie North leaves behind a trail of sto- 
ries wherever he goes. A lot of them are 
about his overzealous behavior, and they 
frequently evoke laughter. Take the one 
about the lockers at Gamp Lejeune. 
“Ollie had a strange reputation at 
Lejeune because he liked to stay up for two 
or three days at a time—no sleep, no rest, 
just work," a Marine colleague relates. “It 
was dumb to do that. Nobody can stay up 
that long and not make mistakes. But Ollie 
thought it made him look good. I guess 
Sometimes some of the senior officers 
would just shut Ollie down. They'd tell 
him to take a break, go home, be with his 
family, It was weird. Ollie was taken out 
by stress in 1974, but he piled more and 
more stress on himself in the п 
Why? To prove he could take it? 
he was a man? I don't know. 
“Any the battalion 
back from a Medite The 
commanding officer wanted the lockers in 
the barracks checked to make sure every- 
thing was OK. So Ollie took over and 
walked in with the adv ty and cut 
off all the locks on the lockers, without tr 
ing to find keys or combinations or get 


was с 


ancan erui: 


ng 
any of the troops to help him. He just fired 


from the hip and tore the place up. The 
С.О. was pissed. He almost canned him 
then and there. The rest of us were laugh- 
ing. It was pure Ollie North: Leave him 
unsupervised and he'll break your back." 

And what of the Marine Corps itself? Is 


it responsible for the actions of Oliver 
North? Did it manufacture him ош of 
whole cloth, encourage him to exaggerate 
his autobiography, ask him to become 
more bureaucrat than grunt? Is Marine 
Corps waining deficien? Does it reward 
workaholism and hot dogging, punish in- 
depth thinking and careful planning? 

I's not as if the Marine Corps leader- 
ed the problem. Listen 
of the men in 


ship hasn't com 
to the statements of onc 
charge of officer training 
“Long belore it was public, we were 
aware of Ollie’s activities, and we were 
very uncomfortable with some of them. We 
asked ourselves a basic question: Did our 
training support this kind of personality? I 
hate to say it, but the answer is, in some 
ways, yes, we are re- 
sponsible für the 
mind-set of Oliver 
North. He brought a 
lot of problems to us, 
but he’s also a prod- 
uct of our system 
“When you train 
Marines for combat, 
you aren't sitting 
around a table 
somewhere dis- 
cussing computer 
programming 
You're training 
Marincs to go to 
war and get thc job 
done. So it’s always 
a delicate balance. 
You want a man 
who will take the 
hill when it has to 
be taken—but you 
also want a man 
who will coordinate 
his efforts and be 
part of the combat 
team while he's do- 


“After the Iran/ 
Contra scandal 
broke, | was really 
surprised by the re- 
actions of the young 
lieutenants who 
were in Basic School 
at the time. IUs true 
that North was a hero to some of them, but 
it's also true that they had a pretty good 
perspective on the guy. The term hot dog 
came up a lot when they discussed him. 
They could sense that Ollie was a grand- 
stander. 

“The tr: 
went through 


ing has changed North 
Basic School. We're trying to 
teach Marines how to fight smarter, bet- 
ter. We don't train them to go hi diddle 
diddle right up the middle, the way we 
used to. “Don't confuse bravery with intel- 
ligence, we tell them. “If you've got the 
time to fall on a grenade for your buddies, 
you've also got the time to yell, 
“Grenade!” and hit the dirt " 

The man pauses and thinks about his 


8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky 


HENTUCAY STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISKEY ALC BV VOL 


own example. So do I. We both know men 
who have sacrificed themselves in just that 
fashion. There is a terrible beauty in such 
gestures. But you are sometimes left wor 
dering if, just before that moment of seli- 
sacrifice, there wasn't a better choice. 
Today we emphasize that we don't 
want people with a hidden agenda. We 
don't want people with a death wish. I tell 
every class | teach about a company com 
mander I knew at Khé Sanh who stood up 
and walked around and played macho man 
every time we had incoming artillery 

At Khe Sanh, we were taking several thou- 
sand rounds of incoming every day. 1 tell 
them what a jerk I thought that company 
commander was, how it was his job to be 
on the horn planning counterbattery fire, 


There are less 


expensive bourbons. 


There are also 
thinner steaks and 


smaller cars. 


WILD 
TURKEY 


how he should have been helping his 
troops by thinking and coordinating and 
strategizing, not swaggering around like 
some cowboy. We're looking for that deli 
ate balance between aggression and com- 
mon sense.” 

‘The Marines have spoken, and it is clear 
that they see Oliver North as a man, nota 
myth. He is more than a picture on a 
post nore than a talking head on TV, 
“North's behavior," writes General Kru- 
lak, “has gained for him a variety of 
descriptives: z xtremist, mystic, rad- 
missionary, hero, prophet. While 
none of the descriptive terms is totally cor- 
cect, all of them portray a man who has an 
apostolic devotion to his cause—a devo- 


alot. 


ical, 


IST паднос DSTILING CO LAVRENCLEURG KY 1987. 


tion, however, that created a blurring be- 
tween means and ends.” 

It is precisely that blurring between 
means and ends that we, the American 
people, sensed last summer. We knew 
something was missing as we watched the 
tube and put up the posters and bought 
the books and read the magazines. 
“What's wrong with this picture?” we kept 
asking ourselves. We didn't articulate our 
doubts, really, but they were there. And 
rightfully so, it turns out. We were practic- 
ing a quiet, patient, careful form of patri- 
otism in the midst of all that noise and 
hoopla, and we were notas dumb as some 
people thought 

“I always assumed Ollie would have 
happy in northern Bavaria in the late 

Thirties,” a Marine 

officer told me with 

le. “He stood 

licked hi 

never 

talked to the Presi 

dent on the phone. 

It seemed like some- 

thing out of a bad 

movie to me, but he 

meant it. And that 
scared me.” 

It is possible that 
if Oliver North were 
to graduate from the 
United States Naval 
Academy this sum- 
mer and were to 
head for Marine 
Corps Basic School, 
he would receive the 
kind of training that 
would help him be- 
come a more secure, 
less frantic officer, 
nd he would grow 
into a man less ea- 
ger to please his 
periors and more 
genuinely modest 
and humane. He 
might also find role 
models who could 
teach him that war- 
riors need wisdom 
as much as they 
need ambition and 
that there are many forms of sel{-destruc 
tion, including that sneakiest of contempo- 
rary vices, workaholism. 

But harsh reality has a way of decl 
itself in the military. The fact si 
that no educational system and no 
role models can subdue those few officers 
who romanticize their purpose, overdram- 


bi 


ing 
ns to be 


ries of 


atize their importance and fictionalize 
their history. Those few ollicers will do 
anything their superiors tell them to do, 
and they will doitwith flair, gusto, I 


efficiency, shrewdness, energy—and one 


‘avery, 


more thing: a certain kind of blindness. 


159 


PLAYBOY 


160 


TAKI Mi STOCK (continued from page 68) 


“Remember the words of Baron Rothschild: ‘When the 


streets of Paris are running with blood . . 


.T buy? 


a stockbroker, marking up municipal 
bonds four points for widows. (A point is 
ten dollars рег $1000 bond, the usual 
charge. Four points is considered а 
felony.) He cold-called gullible 
tors and lawyers at dinnertime to sell 
specialized products such as movie syndi- 
cations, storage centers, commodity-strat- 
egy funds and options on anything Iro 
gold to IBM. With thei ble commis- 
sions, options tend to be brokers’ dreams 
and htmares. Mickey 
played the market himself, he into op- 
tions on thc * 500 avcr- 
age, heavily into low-price stocks on 
Mickey also bought everything 
his life on margin: a Jaguar, a beach 
house, a Wagoneer for oll-road picnics, a 
m in town, a fisher coat far his 


doc- 


customers? 


condom 


wife, private schools for his kids—the 
Wise Guy's dream, Even while making 
$700,000 a усаг in commissions, Mickey 
would deliberately send the mort 
check on the beach house to the f 
company holding the 
loans and vice versa, to pick up the float, 

1 recently saw Mickey in the men's 
room of a restaurant. He was locked into 
his own image in the mirror, combing his 


ег on his car 


hair into a D.A., endlessly combing. Ev- 

ш had been sold out from under 
him. “They say that the Eightie like 
the I s. Mickey told me tonclessly 


1с5 not like the Fifties. My pants аге 

pegged. My killer smile is gone. 1 ca 
skip on my loans from the girls.” I left him 
trying to recapture his D.A. and saw the 
death of the Wise Guys all over America 


“Wake up! Who's Shirley MacLaine?” 


If the easy money has been made and 
now unmade, and if we all must get back 
to the work ethic that made this country, 
what also is necessary more than ever 
plan. I suggest a three-pronged program, 
cither to initiate a financial scheme or to 
rebuild from the rubble. 

1. Reconstruct by buying zero-coupon 
Treasury bonds. These double your money 
in about eight years and are an ideal way 
for some investors to get bac 
with virtually no risk. 5 


higher yield andimay be 
2. Make a small list of several bl 
companies, such as IBM, 4 


ing over se 
з my opinion, а 


vill provide, 
positive return, and you have the 
chance to initiate buys in compa 
major discounts from their highs. Pa 
is the key in this strategy, as it always is 
when you are serious about your mone: 

3. Compile, or have your new stockbro- 
ker or advisor compile, a list of quality 
secondary companics—somcthing 1 am 
calling a Vulture Fund. This third part of 
a portfolio that can afford risk for possible 
greater return should be invested in com- 
panies that cither have lots of cash and n 
debt or have unusual long-term prospects. 
These stocks (particularly in the over-the- 
counter market) should have been ham- 
mered down out of all proportion to their 
worth and should be selling at two, three, 
four, five dollars to nine dollars a share— 
though they had been selling as high as 
ten dollars to $25. If you buy 1000 shares 
of ten such companies on the bargain 
counter, it would cost, say, $35,000. This 
is a portfolio designed to perhaps triple 
over the next several years because of the 
fictional prices of many issues that got de- 
emotional selling. Many of 
gardless of the 

w 


stroyed in 
these are true bargains, reg 
pessimism that surrounds us all right 
Remember the words of Baron Rothschild 
when asked how he made all of his money: 
“When the streets of Paris are running 
with blood . . . I buy 

The next several years will also be a 
time for concentration, for judgments that 
are not emotional. Gone will be the clichés 
of recent times, such as “Good real estate 
av—up." Or “Mutual 
Or “Sure, 
-equity line is 
“ This is what 


he best tax EM th 
n by concentration 
a tailor from a small village in the 
hills of Umbri dience with the 
Pope. He stays with the Pope a long ame, 
20 nutes, a private audience. When lu 
goes home to his village, the people line 
the streets. They celebrate a huge welcome 
home for Luigi. The people crowd around 
their hero. “The Pope,” they cry. "Il Papa. 
What was he like?” 

The r looks at them. 7 
like?" Luigi says. “A forty-two lon: 

It is going to be a time to focus on a 
ty, to make yourself particularly 


good at what you do or what you are 
thinking of doing. In an economic climate 
in which fat is going to be trimmed, com- 
panics are going to be more bottom-lir 
conscious than ever. You are not going to 
be allowed to fake it anymore 

For many, it will be a desperate period 
as well; people will not believe that the 
big-spending days are done. Before every 
period of stress in the past 20 years, a man 
wild to ma 
the last big score before reality sets in. He 
is Sid the Schemer. His appearance always 
augurs tough times ahcad. Sid is a psy- 
chologist by profession. He is the kind of 
person who gives psychology a bad name, 
the way doctors and dentists who spend 
time on real-estate deals and tax scams 
c medicine a bad name. In the mid- 
сез, Sid tried to gel me to raise 
$100,000 for a device he promoting 
that would enable women to pee standing 
up. This time, the stakes are higher, be- 
cause Sid's time is running out. “Гуе got 
letters to IBM, Digital, Wang,” he says. 
“Pye got something that will not only 
make us a fortune but carn us the thanks of 
every mother in the world. A quarter of a 
mil will return a billion in five years.” 

“What is it, Sid?” I ask him 

"Pm working on an implant for chil- 
dren, an alarm system to prevent kidnap- 
ing or sexual abuse. It’s put in a tooth or 
underneath an arm, and it emits a signal if 
the child is threatened. It rings in police 
headquarters, and it's gonna win me the 
Nobel Prize. Except for IBM, Digital and 
Wang, I came to you first.” I usher Sid 
from my office and tell him to wait until he 
hears from IBM 

Frantic people will be coming out of the 
woodwork. They don't want to have to go 
to work 

But one result of the crash of 1987 will 
be a bonus. My wife and I recently went to 
a cocktail party given by a novelist to cele- 
brate nothing more than the season. He 
provided entertainment, an old-fashioned 
ide accompanied by a piano. 
The singer sang songs by Gershwin, 
Rodgers and Hart, Cole Porter. She sang 
songs of romance and finished with “Lets 
do it, let's fall in love. 

We are heading into a time when ro- 
mance will be in lashion— the simple ro- 
mance of strolls in the country and walks 
in the rain. Lyrics will inspire and sustain 
us. This isn’t all bad 

1 tried this observation out on the per- 
son who shines shoes in the office for two 
dollars a shine. Usually the tip is another 
dollar. “I agree with you,” the shoeshine 
person said. “But that’s maybe your child- 
hood. My friends and I want to go hack to 
softer days also — the Beatles of Strawberry 
Fields, the blues, people sharing low-down, 
ignored my Quotron and 
lady graduated 
, class of 1987. She 


has appeared in my offic 


not high time 
listened. The shocsh 
from Wellesley Colle 
majored in history 

El 


MAKES YOU 
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ceptionally comfortable. Call or 
write today for your FREE color 
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ELEVATORS: 


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Р.О. Box 3566, Frederick, MD 21701 


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5 PH 


HeaithTech, Inc. 
3430 Conn. Аме. N.W. #11207 Dept. PY 3/88 
Washington, D.C. 20008 Vea & MC orders call 
1-800-333-TONE, if busy coll 1-800-872-8787 
ask for operator 130 For into: (202) 362-5921 
-30-day money-back * One-year Made in 
guarantee. warranty. USA 


24.HR. VALENTINE HOTLINE: v 
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JA 


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THAT 
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г SAFE SEX 


To place an ad in 
PLAYBOY 
MARKETPLACE 


call 
1-800-592-6677, 
New York State 
call 
212-702-3952 


VIDEO MOVIES 
800-777-0075 


IM-FS AM-7 PM, SAT 8 AM-5 PM, C.T.) 


VHS & Beta, All Ratings 


Let our huge Family and Nostalgic 
catalogs (over 10,000 titles) put the 
world of video as close as your mail- 
box. Also, receive 12 monthly issues 
of the "Coming Attractions” video 
magazine. as well as periodic flyers on 
sale items and blockbuster releases, 


The above catalog package is available 
for only $6.95. 


Like Adult titles? Enclose anadditional 


$6.95 for our huge (210 page) Adult 
catalog. 


Predator 
Robocop $89.95 
Spaceballs $89.95 
Catalog free with order over $75 

Write or Call Toll-Free to order. Visa, 
MasterCard, Am. Exp., Diners Club, 
Carte Blanche and COD orders 
accepted. Please, No P.O. Boxes 


Non-USA, APO's, FPO's-Add $2.00 


VIDEO AGE, INC. 
4820 Excelsior Blvd., Suite 112 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55416 

800-777-0075 
(612) 927-7484 


$89.95 


161 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


12 mg “tar” 0.8 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Feb.'85. 


THE 


PERFECT RECESS 


_Re-cess (Webster): A break from activity for rest or relaxation. 
a rliament: A шей filter for e xtra smooth taste and low tar pacte 


PARLIAMENT 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1908 


ON ae 


‘SCENE 


———AS THE SPIRIT MOVES YOU — 


raveling bars, flasks and other appurtenances for the 
executive road warrior provide not only sustenance 
for the journey but also a sense of panache upon 
arrival. Why hunker down in a hotel bar when you can 
relax with a snifter of your house call and a hot bath before 
heading out on the town? Remember that drink accessories, 


Clockwise from 


New York, $400. Calfskin Trafalgar Travel Bar, from Picadilly West, Fort Washington, Pennsylvania, $110. It 
New York, $30. Antique walking stick, circa 1875, with concealed flask and a ste 


irca 1920 English leather-cased traveling bar with decanters, cocktail shaker and utensils, from Kentshi 


both contemporary and antique, have as much style and 
race as today's luggage—they boast rich leathers with flashes 
of stainless steel and sterling silver that mix well with glass 
flasks and shiny jiggers. Whichever your favorite one for 
the road, from a flask walking stick to a leather-cased bar, 
such elegant accessories definitely make traveling easier. 


Galleries, Ltd., 
п fruit/cheese knife, from Sointu, 
-silver cap, from Kentshire Galleries, Ltd., $600. A German 


stainless-steel corkscrew, $28, half-pint English pewter flask, $80, and one-pint Finnish stainless-steel flask, $75, all from Sointu. Happy travels. 


SUPERSHOPPING 


The Pentax SFI, pictured here with the SMCP- 
F 35-70mm zoom lens, is the first autofocus 
SLR camera to incorporate built-in flash with 
motor drive. A beep tone signals when the 
focus is right and a large LCD readout panel 
monitors the camera's functions, eliminating 
guesswork. SFI body and 35-70 lens, $500. 


Shower adjusts within a 20” 
vertical range and provides a 
gentle cascade of water from 
an Australian-made standard 
U.S. V" brass fitting covered in 
a variety of baked-enamel 
colorsand finishes, from Gem- 
ini Distributors, Tucson, Ari- 
zona, $115. Splish, splash. 


StereoSweats ofíer a clever personal sound sys- 
tem built right into the zippered sweal 
shown here. The module, removable for wash- 
ing, connects with any stereo radio or cassette. 
(Sharp's JC-F3 AM/FM personal stereo cassette 
player, $39.95, is shown pocketed on the star- 
board side.) Stereo- 
Sweats come in 

three colors, from 
Sport Electron- 

ics, North- 

brook, Illinois, 


VisiTel, from Mitsubishi, is a visual telephone display, the first still- 
frame telephone designed specifically for home use, featuring a 
built-in video camera and 4%” monitor. VisiTel enables callers to 
send and receive freeze-frame black-and-white "video snapshots” 
over standard telephone lines using any modular phone plug, and it 
can also store images for use during the next call, about $395 each. 


STEVE CONWAY ANO RICHARO 201 


EWS Bisa,” 
e 0 


The Lone Ea- 
gle flies again! 
For the 60th 
anniversary of 
Lindbergh's 
Atlantic crossing, 
Longines produced а m 
scale, ion replica 


by Lucky Lindy himself, about 
$1950, including the leather band. 


Talking Baseball, a hand-held 
electronic game, by Video 
Technology Industries, pro- 
vides the announcer's 
voice and crack of 
the bat, $39.95. 


Clear the electronic decks for clarity. These three VCR models 
almost double the usual 240 lines of horizontal resolution we're used 
to seeing on the tube. Mitsubishi's HS-423UR Super VHS VCR (top) 
has hi-fi audio, MTS stereo sound, wireless remote with digital pro- 
gram display and two-week, eight-event programing, $1200. Sony's 
Super Hi-Band Beta SL-HF1000 (center) has built-in editing func- 
tions, including a character generator with eight-page memory, hi- 
band record and playback and three-week, eight-event timer, $1700. 
The VRD700HF Super VHS deck from Zenith (bottom) features 
MTS stereo sound, VHS hi-fi audio, on-screen programing, index- 
coded video search and two-week, eight-event timer, about $1300. 


The Model 1060, by Thule, $76, is а mul- 
tipurpose roof rack, designed in Sweden. 
is an angled, lockable Model 33- 
ki carrier, which holds up to six 

pairs of skis, $136. The skis mount- 
ed in it include Rossignol's 4S 
Kevlar, the KV Comp from K-2 

and Skis Dynastar's Fusion 
HZ. They go for $375 
per pair. 


:*Bonet's 

» Bonnet 
Which did you 
see first, LISA 
BONET's flashy 
hat or the flash of 
her exposed 
breast 
know that 
post-Cosby com- 
edy, A Different 
World, is a solid 
number two in 
the ralings? 
There'll be a quiz 
in the morning. 


Legendary rocker 
BO DIDDLEY 
| (lef) and Stone 
RON WOOD are 
still on the road to- 
| gether on the Gun- 
slinger Tour. Bo 
made the rock Hall 
of Fame and Ron 
has a book of his 
portraits out. They 
doubled our pleas- 
ure. Go, guys! 


PAUL NATION / PHOTO RESERVE, INC. 


1987 JANET GOUGH / CELEBRITY PHOTO. 


E 
E 
E 


Don't Walk Away, Renee 

Actress RENEE GRIFFIN may not look familiar 
to you yet, but she will. She's made appearances 
on TV's Head of the Class and Mickey Spillane's 
Mike Hammer. We won't forget her sexy pout. 
How about you? 


Vital Idol 


Rocker BILLY 
IDOL's video is so 
hot that the. 
unedited version 
will be seen only in 
clubs. Billy says, 
“It’s about being a 
voyeur and, at the 
same time, being a 
part of it all.” 


RETNA 


IAIN MC KELL 


3 


MARK LEVIN / COM-ARTS NEWSERVICE 


She's Got the Beat 


Drummer KAREN BLANKFELD made three albums with a group 
called the Pandoras. She also has a poster coming out from Com- 
munication Arts. Karen's looking for a new band and we're looking 
at Karen, Right now, we have the better deal. 


1987 ROSS MARINO 


Brad's Bad 


Night Ranger's BRAD GILLIS’ T-shirt 
bears the ultimate rock-'n-roll message. 
In the case of Gillis and his band, the 
news is all good. Their tour was a suc- 
cess, a new LP is in the works and they 
were nominated for a bunch of Bammies 
for the Big Life album. 


The Lady in Black 


Not every woman looks good in a body suit, Actress ADRIANNE 
SACHS looks terrific. You saw Adrianne in RoboCop, My Demon 
Lover and The Stuff at the movies. Now you can cut her out and 
hang her above your desk. Think of this as another public service 
from your favorite men’s magazine. Do we deliver or what? 


168 


POTPOURRI 


GO EAST, YOUNG MAN 


The time is the mid-16th Century. the age of war 
in Japan, and you're locked in a violent struggle 
for land and power with four other formidable 
war lords. Your weapons are secret strategies, 
sneak attacks and a mastery of samurai warfare: 
it’s just the way politics is played in Washington 
D.C. But you're playing Milton Bradley's latest 
military-strategy game. Shogun; and if you make 
one false move, it can be sayonara. The price: 
about $25 at game stores. Banzai! 


TEA FOR THE ROAD 


Trumps, the wendy L.A, eatery that has raised high tea to a high art 
à la Hollywood, has taken its four-o'clack act on the road with Tea 
a luxurious ensemble in a hand-painted case that in- 
dudes a cobalt-blue teapot with a porcelain tea infuser, Earl Grey 
tea, scone mix, lemon-rosemary cake, sherry jelly, raspberry jam 
sliced pickled oranges. linen napkins and some of Trumps’s re- 
nowned recipes for teatime snacks, plus a large rattan tray on which 
ast. Sweet Adelaide Enterprises in Los 
Angeles distributes Tea from Trumps to Gump's in S 
rson Pirie Scott in Chicago and I. Magnin and W 
The price is SI 


Francisco, 
ham Poll in 


пот insipid 


New York, among other store 


ES THAT COULD 
One glance through Great Toy Train Layouts of 
America, by Tom McComas and James Tuohy. 
will leave you with little doubt that model rail- 
roading has pulled out from under the Christmas 
tree and become the alternative to tinkering with 
the BMW. Great Toy Train Layouts showcases the 
best of them—including Ole Blue Eyes’ own lay- 
out. A hardcover copy is $31.95, postpaid, sent to 
TM Books, Box 279, New Buffalo, Michigan 
19117. The authors appraise old trains, too. 


SEET A EI] Gump] 


PLAYING BALL WITH VIDEO GOLF 


If Shots, the first video magazine devoted to golf, has just teed off: 
nd judging from what we've seen so far, the concept seems to be 
better than par for the course. Each issue will provide the viewer 
with a look at one of the world's most challenging and picturesque 
golf courses, with acrial shots and hole-by-hole instruction and strat- 
egy on specific aspects of the game by a famous teaching pro. The 
will also be a segment titled “Golf's Greatest Moments." and “In 
the Bag,” a feature on the latest and most ellective golf equipment 
A subscription to the quarterly (one-hour segments) in VHS or Beta 
199, sent to Golf Shots, Ine., 5200 DTC Parkway, #100, En 
d, Colorado 80111. The ball's g 


g for the green 


LIFE IN THE FAST LANE 


It's the ultimate automotive lantasy—a 
week in Germany, Austria and France 


with an English-speaking guide and the 
latest-model BMW, Porsch 
Benz or Audi. Days are spent on the auto- 
bahn, which has no 
nights you're w 
dieval castles and historic hotels. There is 
also an optional private driving lesson at 
the Nürburgring, Prices begin at $1993, 
not including air fare, and Transglobe 
Travel, 212-765-0670 (call collect), will 

1 the details. Take your helmet 


BEAR WITH US IN '88 
ICs not enough that the Chicago Bea 
are exceptionally proficient at grinding 
gridiron opponents into the playing field; 
most of these guys are handsome, 100. So 
14 of the best-looking ones, including 
McMahon and Payton, posed for the 
Bear but Not Naked 1988 calendar, a col- 
lection of shots in which cach player 
chose his wardrobe to represent his per- 
sonality. It's available from Clements and 
Associates, Р.О. Box +44, Glencoe, Ili- 
nois 60022, for $7.95, postpaid. Hike! 


лева CALEMDAR 


THE IMMORTAL MM 


Back in 1956, Jack Cardill, a 
London cinematographer, was 
granted permission to pho- 
tograph Marilyn Monroe while 
she was filming The Prince and 
the Showgirl. Now Jannes Art 
Publishing, 4840 West Belmont, 
Chicago 60641, is olfering, for 
$100 each, a ha 
ful limited-edition hand-colored 
x 30" continuou 
lithograph of the never-belore- 
published photo ( Arthur Miller, 
Marilyn's third husband, said 
the result was his favorite im- 
age) printed on museum-quality 
rag paper. Á nice tribute to à 
lovely lady, a lucky break for all 
Monroe fans. 


LUCKY DOG 


Fashion has gone to the dogs with Poochi Canine Couture, an exclu- 
sive line of jazzy dog collars and leashes featuring buckles designed 
by Coty Fashion Award winner Robin Kahn. Styles available range 
from gold- and silver-colored karung snakeskin (868 per collar, $112 
per leash) to crocodile ($112 for the collar, about $200 for a leash) 
Poochi's address is 8 Rigby, W New Jersey 07470. Call the 
company at 201-694-2637 to get the name of the nearest dealer. 


IN THE BAG 


Rossoc, Inc.'s, Backase Bag, by 
Tetto, has been designed as an 
easygoing alternative to a back- 
pack or a briefcase. Hand-crafi- 
ed in Mexico of soft Italian 
leather, it features a unique 
Strapacross configuration that 
keeps the bag perfectly balanced 
on one shoulder while ollering 
casy access to special compart- 
ments and actually impro 
your posture as you carry life's 
daily loads. Backase Ba 
in tan or black; the pri 
postpaid, from Rossoc, Inc., 89 
Massachusetts Av Boston 
02155. ‘Try it as an airline carry- 
on and consign your hard-sided 
briefcase to the hall closet, 


170 


NEXT MONTH 


^ 


Wa 
FASHION FORECAST 


“WILL THE REAL MICHAEL JORDAN PLEASE JUMP 
UP?"—IF THE BULLS’ SUPERSTAR COULDNT MAKE A 
LIVING ON THE BASKETBALL COURT, HE COULD DO IT 
ON THE GOLF COURSE. SUPPOSING HE NEEDED MON- 
EY, THAT IS. PROFILE BY MICHAEL KIEFER 


“THE BITTER TRUTH"—IS IT BETTER TO KNOW AND 
‘SUFFER, OR IS IGNORANCE TRULY BLISS? A TIME- 
TESTED ANSWER FROM ISAAC BASHEVIS SINGER 


VANITY РАЙ 


“PLAYBOY MUSIC '88”—LISTEN UP: THERE'S A NEW 
FACE IN THE PLAYBOY HALL OF FAME; OUR CRITICS 
PREDICT WHAT'S COMING UP BIG THIS YEAR; AND WE 
DIP INTO A BARREL OF LAUGHS FROM THE PLAYBOY 
MUSIC POLL'S GREATEST HITS 


JAY LENO, HE WHO LOVES THE SOUNDS OF BIG EN- 
GINES AND ROARING APPLAUSE, EVALUATES THE 
LITTLE WHEELS: FOX, YUGO, HYUNDAI ET AL 


VANITY JUST MAY BE ROCK'S SULTRIEST SINGER/ 
ACTRESS. GET A BETTER LOOK AT THIS TALENTED 
TEMPTRESS IN AN EXCLUSIVE PICTORIAL 


TOM CLANCY, BEST-SELLING AUTHOR OF THE HUNT 
FOR RED OCTOBER AND PATRIOT GAMES, TALKS ABOUT 


MUSICAL YEAR. 


WAR AND PEACE, SUBS AND SPIES AND REAL-LIFE 
JAMES BONDS IN A PAGE-TURNING, GADGET-FILLED 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“TELL IT TO THE KING"—IN THE YEARS HE HAS BEEN 
А RADIO/TELEVISION INTERVIEWER, LARRY KING HAS 
ACCUMULATED THOUSANDS OF STORIES. HERE AREA 
FEW OF THE BEST, FEATURING J.F.K, MARILYN 
CHAMBERS, MARLON BRANDO, MARIO CUOMO, MEL 
BROOKS AND OTHER FRESH CHESTNUTS 


“THE DEAD MAN'S EYES"—IF ONLY FRAZIERS WIFE'S 
LOVER HAD BEEN, WELL, MORE OF A MAN, THE 
WHOLE MISUNDERSTANDING MIGHT NEVER HAVE 
HAPPENED—BY ROBERT SILVERBERG 


HARRISON FORD DISCUSSES HEROES, BULLWHIPS, 
CARPENTRY, MOVIE STARDOM AND DISPOSABLE DIA- 
PERS IN A HIGH FLYING “20 QUESTIONS” 


PLUS: “HAUTE PIZZA" WITH CELEBRITY CHEFS 
WOLFGANG PUCK, ALICE WATERS AND OTHERS; 
“PLAYBOY'S SPRING AND SUMMER FASHION FORE- 
CAST,” BY HOLLIS WAYNE; “LUDICROUS SPEED,” IN 
WHICH THE EVER-ADVENTUROUS CRAIG VETTER 
CLIMBS BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A FUNNY CAR; AND 
THE EVER-POPULAR MUCH, MUCH MORE 


“1 thought being in love couldnt feel any better. 
And then 1 gave her this remarkable diamond.” 


[EN 
> 
ES 
М 

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AAN 


Any great whisky come to mind? 


Canadian Club" 


A premium whisky, unrivaled in quality and smoothness since 1858.