PLAYBOY

,AYBO

ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN | APRIL 1988 • $4.00

STAR-STUDDED

PRING *

SPECTACULAR,

JAY LENO
HARRISON FORD
MICHAEL JORDAN
PARRY KING

TOM CLANCY
ISAAC B. SINGER
PAUL THEROUX
PLUS FABULOUS
CHINESE WOMEN,
MUSIC POLL. RESULTS,
FASHION FORECAST
AND MUCH MORE

>

“Carlton.
It's lowest? |

Lm

C
ALTON 1s ORES

Carlton | |

“And it’s got the
taste that’s right
for me?

tar,0.2 mg. nic.

ere Lnr at L Lao оси SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

© The American Tobacco Со.1988.

In field test after
field test...

women agree ,
Musk by English Leather w _
outscores the competitio!

every time.

D English Leather,

=

No other musk has more satisfik

cuslurers, That's because a
by English Leather wascrealed s
to give a man a fragrance 3
with maximum sex appeal. 7

10910 PN аец эщ Ашешол WIN

ENGLAND

KNOWN FOR ITS SENSE OF TRADITION.

AND ITS GIN.

THE GIN OF ENGLAND. AND THE WORTE

GORDON S

PRODUCED IN U.S.A. UNDER LICENSE OF TANQUERAY, GORDON & CO. LTD., LONDON, ENGLAND
NEUTRAL SPIRITS DISTILLED FROM GRAIN. 80) GORDONS DRY GINCO. PLAINFIELD, IL ©1988.

Give Up The Single Life.

Pioneers Revolutionary 6-Disc CD Changers

Why spend the rest of your life with a single disc p upto 80 songs оп апу combination
г

Introducing Pioneers newest 6-Disc CD 4 With the PD-M70, you not only get

CD player, when you can experience the joy of six? | = ES eight magazines for instant recall.
\
Changer, the PD-M70.Withits unique ргоргат- & ss more ways to play, you geta better player:

ming capabilities, you can hear all six discs "0 Dueto Pioneers patented 3-beam Linear
straight through, play only your favoritesongs "^mm Servo System, digital filter, and anti-vibration
and skip the rest, or push “non-repeating / honeycomb chassis.

random play"and let it choose tracks and So give up the single life. And start living a
play them for you. And thanks to Pioneer's better life, with any one of five 6-Disc CD s

clusive Magazine Pro; „ from Pioneer The leader i
Selection Sysemsyoucannow (Y) PIONEER уа"
Not Evolutionary, Revolutionary.

(©1987 Pioneer Electronics (USA) Inc., Long Beach, CA

WELCOME TO ONE of the most star-packed issues we've ever pub-
lished. For openers, we have the memoirs of Larry King—hest of
radio’s nationally syndicated Larry King Show—who has talked
with just about everybody who's anybody over the past three
decades. Tell It to the King, written by King with Peter Occhiogrosso
and illustrated by Herb Davidson, is an excerpt from the forthcom-
ing book by the same title to be published by G. P. Putnam's Sons,
and it offers an amazing collection of on- and off-the-air anecdotes
about entertainment, political and sports legends such as Marlon
Brando, Lenny Bruce, Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, John F. Kennedy,
Don Shula, Muhammad Ali and Laurence Olivier. If you like spicy
celebrity gossip, you'll find it as difficult to stop r Kingas it
is to cat just опе potato chip.

However, if your idea of the fast lane has more to do with veloc-
ity than with fame, you'll relish the return to our pages of our i
house darcdevil, Craig Vetter, who recounts his gut-wrenching
experiences in some of the fastest automobiles known to mankind
in At Ludicrous Speed, illustrated by Roy Schnackenberg. Of his
experiment with drag racing, Vetter says, “A lot of people may
read this article and think, So he went 186 mph in 7.2 seconds.
Anybody can do that. But the violence and the power of these
machines would scare most people off before they even climbed
into one of them.” Strap in with Vetter and we guarantee you'll
have your socks blown off. Those who prefer their cars more man-
ageable won't want to miss comic Jay Leno's review (with Peter
Frey) of Runts of the Liter—the best itsy-bitsy cars in the world.

And speaking of driving in the fast lane, Chicago Bulls guard
Michael Jordan, who just may be the greatest basketball player who
ever lived, drives down a hardwood lane every game, usually
through a gauntlet of huge and violent men. Michael Kiefer, who
interviewed the 6'6" maestro of dunk to write Air Attack, says that
the final impressivn Jordan left on him was that of a perfectionist,
a force both on court and in front of his public. Nearly as good
with a bullwhip as Jordan is with a basketball, Harrison Ford is the
undisputed champ of the rich and reticent. Contributing Editor
Bill Теһте' 20 Questions with the actor convinces us that Ford is
one of the few movie stars we wouldn't mind living next door to.

If you had a neighbor like Tom Clancy, the author of the hugely
popular spy novels The Hunt for Red October and Red Storm Ris-
ing, you might worry that you were living next door to a James
Bond type whose house contained enough top-secret Pentagon
information to warrant a terrorist attack. But Mare Cooper, who
interviewed him for this month's Playboy Interview, found that
Clancy uses library research and astute supposition—not friends
in the CLA—to create in chilling detail the advanced technologi-
cal weaponry that bristles on his subs, tanks and planes.

On the other hand, as our readers know well, we prefer women
to guns, which brings us to one of the most exotic pictorials w
published in many years. The С the stuff of fan-
tasies, so we were delighted to discover China Dolls, a portfolio.
originally photographed for our Chinesc-language edition. We
asked novelist Paul Theroux, who has lived in the Ori
several of his books there, to give us his obscrvations—not on THEROUX
these particular models but on the irresistible lure the Chinese — prox
female exerts on men everywhere. You'll find his essay fascinating

To round out the issue we have, compliments of photographer
Phillip Dixon, a special look at Venity, the singer and actress whose
talent and sultry beauty earn her the right to her name; the results
of our annual Playboy Music Poll; and The Bitter Truth, a short
story by Isaac Bashevis Singer (illustrated by internationally
acclaimed artist José Luis Cuevas) excerpted from The Death of
Methuselah, to be published by Farrar, Straus & Giroux, And
don't forget part one of our spring fashion forecast, Suited for
Spring, by Fashion Editor Hollis Wayne. We think you ought to be
well dressed while you read this magazine. After all, you're in the
company of some very special people.

VETTER

COOPER

"ve

nt and set

It happens to us all. The realization that somehow, having
itall just isn't enough. There's got to be something more. Or better
yet, something different.

nething, for example, like the Harley-Davidson’ Sportster”
883. Even at $3995; it is more than a motorcycle. It is a vehicle
for change.

As satisfying as that might be emotionally, the Sportster
883 сал appeal to your rational sideas сел a Harley, it will
maintain its value through the years. And with the 883 Ride Free

$3995* whi 7
$3995 when уой Каде

Guarantee, you can trade it within a year for а new FX or FL model
dt

Harley, and 1% still worth $3995. Guarani

Don't be surprised if your Spo
over some of the more mundane things in your life. Its to be expected.
After all, things are different on a Harley. And that includes you.

any

PLAYBOY.

vol. 35, no. 4—april 1988 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL Узе тее аааз эзер REA van gis mM 5

DEAR PLAYBOY ARP mer — Ty, n

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 15

SPORTS ..DAN JENKINS 30

MENE ee ASA BABER 35

MIN de ea E EAE ANEA CYNTHIA HEIMEL 38

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ....... m See iter y. AN ЖК нҮ
DEAR PLAYMATES. ..... erry Tre Ty rats ex ree a ARTE 43

THE PLAYBOY FORUM. . asê ^ * алдей» 45

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: TOM CLANCY—candid conversation $ TIT 55

THE BITTER TRUTH—fiction . . . A ISAAC BASHEVIS SINGER 64

VANITY—pictorial 68

AIR ATTACK—personality „MICHAEL KIEFER 80 CHAR
SUITED FOR SPRING—fashion. .... kar sag HOLLIS WAYNE 84

TELL IT TO THE KING—articlo LARRY KING with PETER OCCHIOGROSSO 90

ELOISE— ploybay's playmate of the month |... 92

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor " E wer) 3 106

AT LUDICROUS SPEED— article ea €x E e e CRAG WEITER 108

20 QUESTIONS: HARRISON FORD.....................- ES S243 aso MIO

HAUTE PIZZA—food..... 0000200000. EMANUEL GREENBERG 112 er
PLAYBOY MUSIC 1988— survey كو‎ — Pe РЕКЕ . n4

RUNTS OF THE LITER— modern living JAY LENO with PETER FREY 120

CHINA DOLLS—pictorial............................ essay by PAUL THEROUX 124

FAST FORWARD . . A AD e RENE cages cay onan "pr

LENIN BY DEDINI—humor TN +... 2 se ELDON DEDINI 147

PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE LAN AERA etree yer tet а И 1135 e. 169

Pizza the Action

COVER STORY

The last time singer, movie star (catch her in Action Jackson) and Ameri-
co's favorite nasty girl Vanity appeared in Playboy was in our May 1985
issue (Vanity Rore). As you'll see in this issue's revealing pictorial of the
ultra bad Miss V (on page 68), she hasn't aged a bit. Her cover phato
is the work of Contributing Photogropher Stephen Wayda. The Robbit, by
the way, is not anly caught in o choin of love, he's feeling like a Prince

Academy Award”
nominees Tom Hulce
and Mary Elizabeth
Mastrantonio

star in an

erotic thriller.

SLAM DANCE: Starring six of today's
brightest, most exciting new stars. Tom
Hulce (Oscar nominee for AMADEUS).
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (nominated
for THE COLOR OF MONEY). Virginia
Madsen (DUNE), Harry Dean Stanton
(REPO MAN), singer/actors Adam Ant and
John Doe

From its seethingly original score to
its sensational subject matter, SLAM
DANCE is hot.

Reserve your copy of SLAM DANCE
today. It may not be about dancing, but it is
aslam-bang video you won't want to miss!

On videocassette.

Academy Awards" is the registered trademark and service
тай ol the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences,

tom hulce
mary elizabeth mastrantonio
virginia madsen

and harry dean stanton

An erotic
thriller,

It’s not about
dancing.

island pictures

and zenith present

a sho films production
"Зат dance”

mille perkins

don 0
dum

john doe

music by mitchell foom —
director of photography amir mokri
edited by lee percy

written by don opper

produced by rupert harvey

and barry 0
ШЫН E EE Kam

© 1008 CBEFOX Company Key Vino a i regatas Iracemarrol10aCESFOX Company А дагані KEY VIDEOS

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
and associate publisher
JONATHAN BLACK managin;
TOM STAEBLER ан director
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso

ciate editor; FICTION: ALICE K. TURNER editor;

FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate editor; WEST

COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STA!

EN EDGREN, DAVID STEV senior editors;

senior staff wrüers;

BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN Associ

ale editors; KANDI KLINE traffic coordinator; MOD-

ERN LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor; PHILLIP

COOPER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYS

editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY edito»; COPY:

ARLENE BOURAS edilor; LAURIE ROGERS assist
ani editor; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN
MOND, JACKIE JOHNSON. BARI Na

chers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS:

LAWRENCE GROBEL WILLIAM | HELM
D. REITH MANO, REG POTTI
RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STAN
DISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (mavies), SUSAN MARGOLIS:
WINTER, BILL ZEHME

ART
KERIG PORE managing director; GHEY SUSKI, LEN
WILLIS senior dir BRUCE HANSEN associate
director; JOSEPH PACZEK assistant director; DEBBIE
KONG, ERIC SHROPSHIRE junior directors; BILL BEN
WAY, DANIEL REED, ANN SEIDI, art assistants; BAR
BARA HOFFMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor: JEFF COHEN
managing editor: LINDA KENNEY. JAMES LARSON.
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors,
BEAUDET assistant edilor; POMPEO POSAR 5
staff photographer: KERR
raphe; DAVID CHAS, RICHARD FEGLEN
FREYTAG. RICHARD 1701, DAVID MECEY, BYRON
NEWMAN, STEPHEN wavba contributing [lhotogra.
hers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVELEVITT color lab
supervisor; oux Goss business mana,

PRODUCTION
; MARIA м

JODY _JURGETO,
OLI, KITA JOHNSON assistants

READER SERVICE
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents

CULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; Bai
ate director

MICHAEL т. CARR advertising dive
midwest manager; FRANK COLONNO,

RAMONDO group sales managers; JONS
direct response

ADMINISTRATIVE
JONS a. scort president, publishing group;
J-P. TIN DOLMAN assistant publisher

EILEEN KENT contracts administrat.

ROSES rights ÉS permissions man

PLAYBOY
caste HEINER president

ок as great as you feel
| your personal Бе
Playmate hosiery, bi
panties and sleepwear.
up and go with Playma
jeanswear, sportswear a
swimwear. Jop it all off
le headwear,
i

FASHIONS

Alive

Newport

After all,
if smoking isn't a pleasure,
why bother?

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

THUS SPAKE ARNOLD
I enjoyed the January Playboy Interview

with Arnold Schwarzenegger, though I dis-
agree with just about everything he has to
say about politics and women. However, as
a bodybuilder myself, I applaud his statc-
ments that athletes should avoid using
steroids and that its not necessary to sleep
12 hours a day, cat raw eggs and avoid sex
to develop a competitive body. When
Arnold talks about bodybuilding, which is
something he knows something about, he's
right on the money, When hc talks about
anything else, he's insufferable

Robert Johnson

Los Angeles, California

1 wish someone would tell Arnold
Schwarzenegger that there is room for both
him and Sylvester Stallone in films. He told
interviewer Joan Goodman that “there's
nothing that anyone can do out there
save his ass and his image.” If Amic be-
licves that, he's in Drcamsville. Sly's fans
arc as legion and as loyal as ever.

Equally ridiculous is his advice to Sly
against starting an all-male club. 1 don't
know a single woman who believes that ev-
erything has to be gender-integrated. Too
many of us belong to all-female organiza-

tions that we want to keep that way
Georgia B. Makiver

1 was lool
terview with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
then interviewer Joan Goodman started
harping on the violence in his movies. | can
understand a couple of questions about this

subject but not I straight. You've always
stated that it's the responsibility of parents
to determine what their children watch or
read when it comes to pornography. Well
the same applies to violence. If people don't
vant their kids to see violence in movies,
's their (the parents?) fault if their you
sters are allowed to see such things, not the
fault of the film maker or actors such as
Arnold.

L. David Kirkland
Madisonville, Indiana

So Arnold would rather play with guns

than with a woman, huh? Poor Mai
Nick Daniello

Rome, New York.

PUSHING THE PANIC BUTTON

1 want to compliment Playboy and the
open-mindedness of Michael Crichton for
producing the most stable literature so far
on the AIDS problem (Panic in the Sheets,
January).

Being a 27-year-old single male who
dates new acquaintances frequently, I, too,
am constantly bombarded by the AIDS
hype. I saw morc relev aking and usc-
ful information in Grichton’s article than in
all the media hype that floods our socicty.

Mark Gordon
San Antonio, Texas

If Michael Crichton were to edit or pub-
lish a journal devoted to AIDS, I would
certainly subscribe. | don't mean some-
thing for the doctors and the researchers; I
mean something for all of us. There should
be articles by experts: items by subscribers
describing their experiences and their feel-
ings; the probabilitics of contracting the
discasc should be presented graphically,
with comparisons to other possibilities
such as skiing accidents, automobile ac
dents, meningitis, typhoid, muggings, lung
cancer.

The Herpes Resource C

publishes a quarterly newsletter concerned
with herpes at the level I have suggested
Perhaps Crichton should join with ASHA
10 publish a similar newsletter on AIDS
Millard H. Perstein
Sedona, Arizona

SIXTIES RETROVISION

Throughout the ages, people have been
to "golden ages," when
ings seemed so much better, instead of

E up to what they've got. I'm 26 and
so a lot of what was said in the Six-
ties essays (Playboy, January) is not in my
memory bank. The events of those times
passed me by, though they continue to have

You've read our magazine,
now

PLAY

GAME

PLAYBOY: The Game of Elegant
Lifestyles is designed for those
who want it all now. Create the
lifestyle and environment of your
choice. Have all the good things
life offers while you search for your
one, true, ideal romantic partner.
Live your fantasy lifestyle with the
Playboy game. Rules for up to 6
players.

#5340 Playboy Game....$24.95
"То order, indicate item name and
number, enclose check or money
order, plus postage ($3.25 for first
game, $1.25 for each additional
game) and send to: Playboy Prod-
ucts, P.O. Box 632, Elk Grove
Village, IL 60009-0632. Illinois
residents, add 7% sales tax. For
credit card orders, call toll-free
1-800-228-5444.

PLAYBOY. PLAYMATE and RABBIT HEAD
Design are trademarks of Playboy Enterprises, Inc.

u

a big impact on life today.

It's often said by people in my country
that Americans have no history. That's one
of America’s great strengths as far as ] can
see. It is the constant looking back to the
past, when Britannia ruled the waves and
all that, that has been one of Britains
biggest problems over the past 40 years,
Unfortunately, pcople like Harlan Ellison
are doing the same thing, looking back to
the Sixties as the very zenith of civilization,
in the same way that a lot of British have
looked back to the Empire

He derides the Fifties, but the people
who brought about some of the benefits he
talks about were products of that decade. 1
wasn't alive then, but I know that a certain
Elvis Presley made some stunning records
then. And wasn't it the decade in which
Playboy got going?

Ellison talks about revisionism yet is
lty of it himself He holds up John
Kennedy as a near saint, but wasn’t
Kennedy the President who started to push
America into Vietnam? And wasn't that
in the Sixties?

PLAYBOY

ig Gerrard
Liverpool, England

STELLAR TELLER

Having been annoyed often by the fail-
ure of my local automatic teller to do what
1T asked it, I was greatly amused by A Night

at the Cash Machine J
Hats off to Rowland B. Wilson.

John Evans

Chicago, Illinois

Also deserving a lip of your hat, John, are

co-creators Lloyd Lynford and Bob Sloan,
who wrote the story and whose names were in-
advertently omitted from “Playbill” and our
Contents Page.

LECHER FEELINGS SHOW

Гуе been reading Asa Babers Men
column for about five years now and have
always thought that he has quite an ht
into the problems and attitudes that face
men in these turbulent times. However, in
the January issue, it seems that he has hit
an all-time low with his “Universal Male
Lechery Test," which he suggests is the
best test of masculinity since the carnival
ring-the-bell-with-the-hammer game. Н
arc so terribly defensive and bi
most of us grudgingly say “false”
and come out looking like

Baber is selling us short
aint an ugly picture of ourselves and then
rally around it in defense of our nature. I
don't mind calling a spade a spade, but
ally—to be given a choice of crawling into
bed with a beautiful lady or calling for help
from my “mommy”? It sounds like a bad
screenplay for a Woody Allen movie!

I agree with Baber that we should not be
persecuted for our masculinity, but revel-

ing in an image disgusting to women (and
the general public) is hardly а way to deal
with it

Jeb S. Hann
San Diego, California

MINI HAPPY RETURNS
Bruce Jay Friedman witty The (Hur
zahl) Return of the Miniskirt (Playboy,
g photos accom-
re prier If the
miniskirt is really coming back (and I fer-
vently hope that it T'll be able to retire
my wing tips with the small mirrors and
flashlights on the toes for a while.
Lanny R. Middings
San Ramon, California

RIDING TAXI DRIVERS

Your Sports writer Dan Jenkins' January
column, “Death and Taxis," is unfair and
racist The lumping of our drivers into
“maniac terrorists of no ascertainable na-
nality" is the equivalent of Playboy Bun-
nies’ being stereotyped as "beautiful
imbos with no brains.” It's just not true.
‘The drivers in our industry have an obli-
gation to the riding public, fellow motorists
and pedestrians to drive as cautiously and
carefully as possible—and they do.

Common sense tells us at The Independ-
ent Taxi Owners Council—representing
5000 independent taxi owner/operators—
that wrecklessness [sic] does not pay.

Traffic penalties and accidents come out
of the independent operator's pocket—that

Carrera wearers
see their way clear
to the top of Everest.

©1988 Carrera

makes safety a number-one priority. And
the driver who jeopardizes a passenger's
safety also jeopardizes the tip he so de-
the license he
needs to drive his cab and make his living.

pends upon, not to men

People from all walks of life drive cabs to
help make ends meet in our exorbitantly
Many of the
drivers who enter our industry are immi-

expensive New York Cit

grants who, without the ability to drive a
cab and no other marketable job skills,
would have no source of income to support
They

then would have to seck government assist-

themselves and feed their familie

ance and burden taxpayers.
Investigate before you write, Mr. Jen-
kins. Better yet, stick to the real sports
Howard Fogel, President
The Independent Taxi Owners Council
New York, New York

THE REAL MCGUIRE?

In The World of Playboy in the January
issue, I noticed a picture of three beauties
with Hef. The caption that accompanies
the picture says that the women are Patti
McGuire Connors, Sondra Theodore and

Carrie Leigh. Now, if my keen “Bı

cyes” don't deceive me, that's October 198
Playmate Kelly Tough on Hef's right and
not Раш.
John DiGrosta
Schenectady, New Yo
You're right, John. Our "World of Playbo;
editor has agreed to purchase new glasses.

Kelly, Hel.

Patti McGuire Connors.

RATING THE GYM GODDESSES
Your Fast Forward item (Playboy, Janu-
ary) that claims that two-time Ms. Olym-
pia winner Rachel MeLish is the “most
се female bodybuilder in the
world” probably would be laughed at by
the actual bodybuilder who can claim this
title, Cory Everson, current Ms, Olympia
and the only four-time winner of this event
Granted, Rachel is great, but Cory is two
notches (two Ms. Olympia notches) better
Marty Kralik
Toledo, Ohio

ated

BEAUTY IS AS BEAUTY DOES
In January's The World of Playboy, there
is a picture of my father, Darrell “Red”
Follett, and 1987 Playmate of the Year
Donna Edmondson taken at the VA hospi-
tal in Des Moines, Iowa, during her Octo-
ber visit to the city and its Playboy Club
Donna's visit brightened the day for all the
guys in the hospital and, most certainly,
pleased my father. His thoughts on Donna’s
he just happens to have a
beautiful body, but she'll be beautiful when
shes 60." My dad passed away three days
before your January issue hit the stands; on
his behalf, Га like to thank you very much
for publishing his picture.
Charles B. Follett
Des Moines, Iowa

You're welcome.

LA

When you’re climbing up here, it’s

critical that you see every feature on the

mountain’s face. Clearly.

It’s critical that you wear Carrera’s

Everest sportsglasses.

Their double-gradient mirror lenses
absorb up to 97% of the visible light.

So they shield your eyes from glare.
And reflected glare.
Their ultra-light polyamide frames

ў/ are impervious to extreme temperatures.

They even have a detachable leather

nose guard, and detachable leather side

xw.
blocks to keep out incidental light and blow-

he

ing snow.

Carrera’s Everest sportsglasses.

Try a pair. They'll help you fight the glare.
Find the route. And achievea peak experience.

For people who want to see it all.

For a copy

ad in poster foray
Guru Рә
Box 93292; Atlanta,
30377-0292.

^ "Allow 4-6 weeks for de ү

ight

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

MESHUGA METAL

What to our wondering cars should ap-
pear in Manhattan's Caroline's not long
ago Black Shabbos
(Shabhes being Hebrew for Sabbath), to our
knowledge, America’s only Yiddish rap
band. Calling themselves Blind “Bubba
Berkowitz, Schlomo E. and Ozzy Beshevis
Singer, the three band members appear in
Hasidic black hats, long earlocks and black
gowns accented by skintight leopard pants
and spiked dog collars. On top of some
quality shtick, they play a little Johnny
Mathis-Johnny —Rouen-inspired punk
(My Funny Valentine’s Day Massacre), some
reggae (“Reggae Rabbi, he cats bagels with
dread lox"), an ode to Sammy Davis Jr.
and а tune that goes: “I'm in love with a
nun, she's so nice, / Um in love with a nun,
but she's married to Christ."

And on Wrap It Up, naturally, they гар:
“We're so cool we're almost frozen, / We
have to be because we're The Chosen.” So
“watch out, all you rappers, we're coming
into town, / But we have to stop jamming
before sundown.”

but the sound of

So what do you expect from three nic
boys from Queens, “home of Run-DMC
they quickly point out? Says Ozzy, “Rock
"n' roll has saved my life. If I weren't in
Black Shabbos, Га probably be out on the
streets practicing law or medicine.”

ALL TOGETHER, NOW

Lately, we've been listening to The Best
of John Williams and the Boston Pops, a new
CD from Philips. The weird discovery is
how deeply ingrained in us these recent
compositions—the fanfare from the 1984
Olympics, the main theme from Siar Wars
and the theme from NBC News, to name a
few—already are. We wonder, is this the
folk music of the Eighties?

THE CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR

Ever wonder how to get a network cen-
sor ticked off? Here are a few lines that
nipped from NBC programs last fall
dreamed 1 was getting it on with your

momma.” —The Father Clements Story, а
made-for-TV movie

“Pm sorry I called those nut cases you
work with crazy." — Family Ties

"You're up for it” (what the Standards
and Practices honchos call a cock joke)—A
Year in the Life

"TII have to pull out of here" (yep, an-
other one).—The Bronx 200

“Tm going to take you up to my place
and thank your brains out." —Cheers

Well, we guess that’s why folks lay cable.
(Whoops, there goes another one.)

VIDEOLOGY

As if heavyweight champ Mike Tyson
hasnt made enough money beating oppo
cles: he has sold his

nents sci now
name to Nintendo, the video-game people
Mike Tysons Punch Out

match wits and punche:

allows you to

with the undefeat

cd knockout artist right on your video
Looking for a new VCR? Better
buy fast. The world money crunch is going
to make them cost more real soon. Current

screen...

industry indexes show import prices going

up, with unit sales coming down. And
who's going to pay the difference? Three
guesses A major blow to the &mm
format was felt recently when Kodak an-
nounced it was pulling out of the 8mm-
video-hardware business. A pioneer with
its $899 modular system, the company just
wasn't able to meet its sales projections. .
One format that looks as if it's starting 10
boom is Super VHS. According to the folks
at 3M (they're the ones who invented video
tape), the new high-resolution format is
catching on quickly—even faster than
originally projected. Its estimated that by
1989, half of 3M's video sales will be, er.
just super!

FRUITS . . .

The International Banana Association
objected to an AIDS documentary on pub-
lic television in which Latino super
Rubén Blades used a banana to demon-
strate how to put on a condom. A banana
spokesperson asked that another prop be
used, because "to associate something pco-
ple cat with a part of the anatomy is not
necessarily in good taste, . . . We feel [the
producers] reached out for the banana be-
cause it's the number-one fruit in the world.”

ar

+ - - AND VEGGIES

When the Pope visited Miami last fall,
one vendor marketed a T-shirt for Hispanic
fans that was supposed to read: vri
mpa (“1 saw the Pope"). The finished vér-
sion read vi La ew, which, unfortunately,
changed the meaning of the phrase to: “I
saw the potato.”

KNOW-IT-ALLS

While varieties of sexual indulgence may
seem infinite, they probably areni—alier
all, even the Kama Sutra has a last page
What is infinite and frequently chang-
ing, however, is sex advice. And A Concise
History of Ше Sex Manual, by Alan
Rusbridger, amplifies that point. For exam-
ple, while modern sex therapists cite mas-
turbation as the safest sexual activity,

15

16

RAW

DATÀ

“The simplistic
“Just say no" cam-
paign—the — equi
lent of telling manic
depressives to ‘Just
cheer up!'—[has] re-
turned drug education
and treatment to the
Reefer Madness era
—Abbie Hoffman in
The Nation.

GREENBACKS

What paper money
is made of: 75 percent
cotton fibers and 25
percent linen

.
Highest denomina-
tion in United States
currency: — $100,000.
Highest denomination
among bills currently
being printed: $100.

.

Average life of a dollar bill: one and a
half years; of a $100 bill: 20 years; of a
two-dollar bill: 36 years.

TAX REFORM

Percentage of annual income that the
wealthiest one percent of the American
population will pay in taxes in 1988:
29.3.

Percentage same group paid in 1977:
318.

.

Percentage of its income that the bot-
torn ten percent will pay in taxes this
year: 9.7; in 1977: 8.2.

JUST SAY BOO

Percentage of Americans who think
marijuana is the drug that causes “the
most trouble in society as a whole”: six.

Percentage who think alcohol is: 21;
cocaine: 41

Б

Percentage of Americans who favored
the legalization of marijuana in 1973,
18; in 1978, 30; in 1986, 18.

Percentage of college-educated Amer-
icans who favored the legalization of
ana in 1973, 32; in 1986, 22.

.

Percentage of Americans who now

FACT OF THE MONTH

On the average, cach Ameri-
can drinks more than 42 gal-
lons of soda pop a ycar; around
12 percent of that ie drunk in
the morning.

|_SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS

view the possession
of a small amount
of marijuana as a
criminal offense: 57.

COMRADE SANDERS|

Location of the larg-
est Kentucky Fried
Chicken restaurant in
the world: Peking,
Peoples Republic of
China.

б

The Chinese inter-
pretation of Finger-
lickin’ good: So good
you suck your fingers;
of mashed potatoes:
potato cement.

.

Cost of a standard
Kentucky Fried two-
piece meal in China:
seven yuan ($1.89).

.

Average monthly wage in the Peoples
Republic: 100 yuan ($27).

GRAVY AND BEA!

Average dollar amount in wages plus
benefits annually paid to a 25-year-old
malc high school graduate in the United
States military: $29,639.

.

‘The amount paid to a demographi-

cally similar civil servant: $25,953.
.

Amount received by a 35-year-old
male college graduate in the militar
$65,671; in the civil service: $46,382.

.

Percentage of salar
for military officers: 14.3; for their civil-
jan counterparts: 4.8.

CATCH A WAVE

Percentage of US. households that

own a microwave oven: 60.
.

Most frequent uses of microwaves: re-
heating leftovers, 57 percent; defrosting
food, 18 percent; heating sandwiches,
rolls, etc, 14 percent; preparing hot
beverages, 14 percent; cooking vegeta-
bles, 15 percent.

Rusbridger reminds us that carlier experts
said it caused, among other things, “pur
ple, clammy skin, the dwarfing, the dry
cough, the baldness, the stoop, the anorex-
ia and the digestive perversions.” Rus-
bridger has traced sex advice from the
frightened naïveté of the Victorians right
up to our own freaked-out age. His lauda-
ble efforts provide a humbling perspective
for experts of every stripe.

FIN DE SIECLE

A quarter of the men in a Finnish survey
complained of on-the-job sexual harass-
ment by women, including pressure for sex,
pinching, suggestive looks and gestures
and sexual jokes. The men claim the har-
assers are usually younger than thei
targets. We're wondering, is this some sort
of trick to bolster Fin migration?

ZEN AND NOW

He looks like Elayne Boosler, has the vo-
cabulary of Doug Henning and the delivery
of Mr. Rogers, but theres only one Zen
Master Rama—also known in his nearly
ubiquitous magazine ads as Dr. Frederick
Lenz. Rama packed us in with several
hundred other would-be Zenheads at a re-
cent New York City appearance, the final
stop on a nationwide tour. The attraction
was a free Intensive Introductory Seminar
in Zen Meditation. Appreciating the cost
of most free enlightenment, we'd cautiously
left our checkbook at home, But Zen Mas-
a delivered a surprisingly meek
in fact, that’s what it was.
m—you
know, the “life is a arde ЮА the whole
cosmos is transient” kind of stuff—then
meditation accom-
the live clectronic music of
Zazen, a trio Rama produces. Before we
could snap cut of it, Rama was already
thanking us for coming and bidding us
farewell. Hed only briefly plugged his
monthly “two-eveni
nars” ($25) and Zazen's tapes (which were
being snapped up in the lobby seemingly
by the hundreds at $15 a shot) and he had
rely noted his quarterly desert excur-
sions ($250), his Aspen/Snowmass Sum-
mer Zen Festival or his Maui Zen Retreat,
mentioned in the magazi Я

According to his promotional brochure,
The Zen Experience, the Zen Master stands
6'3", has naturally curly hair, believes in
birth control, computers and New York
mayor Ed Koch and says he
same airline twice in a row.

We wanted to know more, so we dialed
up Rama International in Van Nuys, Cali-
fornia, for a chat. The Selma Diamond—
like voice that answered the phone told us
she had no way of contacting Frederick
Lenz, adding, “1 don't know where he is.”
We figure Lenz's present whereabouts is re-
lated to a statement in brochure in
which he characterizes himself as being
merely a visitor on this planet with no
“plan to take up permanent residence.”
Zen Master Rama, call home

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

E Stevie Wonder became а
tution in the mid-Seventies, he has made
records like one never had, never
ground-breaking. If Ma Bell had commis-
sioned J Just Called to Say I Love You, it
could have stood as the greatest advertis-
ing jingle of all time. But on Characters
(Motown), he’s no longer playing it safe.
Skeletons is a wild assault on Reaganite
hypocrisy that piles on cight consecutive
choruses, cach with a new set of rhymes to
describe what the crooks are gonna do—
drop-shock-pop, shake-ache-break, lic-spy-
fry. In Your Corner promises to defend a
white buddy's ass in a black-bar brawl.
Dark "т? Lovely is Wonder’s most militant
and mest lyrical anti-apartheid statement
And With Each Beat of My Heart is the kind
of heart-tugging ballad that made him
an institution. The institutions heartbeat
serves as a rhythm track.

Depeche Mode is also becoming an in-
stitution, but unless you're a teenager, you
probably don’t know it. This band survived
the Ш.К new-romantic synthesizer cpi-
demic of the early Eightics, and without
much help from radio, it has been selling
out U.S. arenas since the fall release of Mu-
sic for the Masses (Sire). The secret is sim-
ple: Just turn adolescent Weltschmerz into
something catchy, sexy and seemingly sig-
nificant. If you're too old for such blandish-
ments, well, excuse me; Гус been old
enough to find them exotic and educational
since I first heard the Shangri-Las at 22.
Admittedly, I could do without Martin
Gore's S/M metaphors—Weltschmerz is ca-
pable of taking itsclf literally. But Music for
the Masses downplays that shit in favor of
twisted road imagery. From the definitive
Little 15: “And if you could drive/ You
could drive her away / To a happier place/
To a happier day.” Sheer poetry?

DAVE MARSH

Pop fans take for granted Aretha
Franklin's Gospel credentials—after all,
her style is founded on church music and
she's known it all her life, because her fa-
ther was the Reverend C, L. Franklin, who
served for many years as the opening act
for the Ward Singers, perhaps the greatest
Gospel group of all time.

Franklin has made just three Gospel
recordings, the first as a teenager, the 5сс-
ond in 1970 and now One Lord, One Faith,
One Baptism (Arista). All are live and all
capture an exceptional performer, but only
those unfamiliar with the female Gospel
tradition can think them great. The new al-
bum pits Franklin against such Ward clas-
sics as Surely God Is Able and Packing Up,
Getting Ready to Go, and the results em-
phasize how much vocal power and range
she has lost. Her top is no longer the

Stevie stops playing it safe.

Stevie, Aretha
and the Shangri-Las
of the Eighties.

thrilling and unprecedented vehicle with
which her carcer began, and that hurts.
Worse, she never seizes a moment the way
the great Gospel singers always do. Gospel
singers were the original house wreckers,
but Arctha stays within bounds all the way
through this one. Her greatness can't shine
here; like her mentor, Clara Ward, Aretha
is a singer whose genius comes to life in the
recording studio. Certainly, there's nothing
here that compares with her Gospel-
inflected pop masterpieces / Never Loved a
Man or Spirit in the Dark. Still, One Lord,
One Faith, One Baptism does a good job of
re-creating a Baptist ceremony, including
large doses of preaching (by the Reverend
Jesse Jackson, among others), and it's inter-
‘sting to hear Aretha trying to fit in
troduced not as but as just one of the
Franklin sisters. And compared with her
recent albums, this is better-than-average
Aretha, if only because she's not saddled
with producer Narada Michacl Walden
and executive producer Clive Davis, oi
their execrable concept of what makes a lis-
tenable pop song.

CHARLES M. YOUNG

This month, scatterlings from all over:
Foreigner, Inside Information (Atlantic) —
The singer is overwrought, the guitarist
has only rare impulses toward originali
but compare them with Journey and know
this truth: The average successful English
band has better riffs than the average suc-
cessful American band.

Jerry Harrison, The Cosual Gods
(Warner) — Keyboardist of Talking Heads
makes a solo effort that is more reminiscent
of Doobie Brothers than of the parent
band—smooth voice, catchy rills, nothing
radical. It is casual but danceable and sexy.

Jello Biafra, No More Cocoons (Alterna-
масісз) — Leader of the late Dead
finds his true calling: pres
angry, usually excessive,

', оссази

some-
Шу inconsistent, this
appropriate spoken-word per-

Always
times fu

formance for the Age of Reagan. His
of right-wing child brainwashing
ularly recommended.
Carnivore, Retaliation (Roadracer) —
Last time out, these thrashers sang the j
of postapocalypsc cannibalism. This time,
they want to tear down all churches to

sense that they advocate that enemies of
merica be hung by the scrotum, but they
also preach

desecration/Civil. mutila
creation," so you can’t call them Republi-
can, either. Opening cut, Jack Daniels and

GUEST SHOT

For THOSE who thought Heart was ka-
put, there was 19865 multiplatinum
self-titled comeback album. And for
those who thought that was a one-shot,
there is the current. multiplatinum

“Rad Animals" Heart leaders Nancy
and Ann Wilson chose to review the
comeback LP, “Cloud Nine” (Dark
Horse), of one of their lifelong heroes,
George Harrison. Here is their joint
assessment.

We liked the album, though a
few songs are filler and just sort of lie
there. The standout cuts are the
Devil's Radio and Wreck of the Hesper-
us, but every track is sung well and
from the heart. With When We Was
Fab, he's talking about the old Bea-
tles days with casc, finally. We've
heard a lot of people say, “Jeff Lynne
producing Harrison—oh, yeah, the
guy who imitates the Be: atles, but it’s
obvious from this album that Jeff
was one of the few people who would
know how to produce George cor-
rectly. Also, Cloud Nine sounds like
a Wings album at moments. By the
way, that's meant as a compliment.”

18

Pizza, in which someone is barlw
into a toilet, could be numbe

same
ngle.

FAST TRACKS

OCK

Tarral eee hessen Verh

METER

Young

cher |

FEST

Eurythmics |
Savage

|
ler
|

Bryan Ferry
Béte Naire

Inside Information

Stevie Wonder
Characters

о |ы fo jo ы

Foreigner |

o jm |o IN IN
o |с jo jo

O |n | jo

BUDDHIST MONK ROCK DEPARTMENT: If you
thought raisins singing rock were the
last frontier in music, think again. Paul
Revere and the Raiders visited a Buddhist
monastery in the Korean mountains,
where one of the monks said to Paul,
“You a rock star? I see you on Solid
Gold.
REELING AND ROCKING: A film bio of Little
chordis set ro go into production. Rich-
rd, who will serve as creative consult-
ays Eddie Murphy will play him. . .
Madonne will co star with Dennis Quoi
and Jennifer Grey in a roaring-Twenties
movie called Bloodheunds of Broad-
шау... . Peter Gabriel is doing the music
for Martin Scorsese's The Passion. . ., A
film bio of Jerry {ее Lewis, called Great
Balls of Fire, is in the works. Dennis
Quaid will star in this one, too. . . . Mick
Hucknall is working on a song for Roman
Polanskis new movie, Frantic. In other
ws, hes negotiating
ish T V to host a cooking show
that shows low-income pcople how to cat
well on little money. Says Mick, “This
is not the foolish whim of a pop star.
This is something I really want to do.

NEWSEREAKS: An official Michigan his-
torical marker has been placed on West
Grand Boulevard in Detroit to mark the
inal studio and oflices of Motown
ds. There is a drive on to rais
money for a full-fledged Motown His-
torical Museum. Said Smokey Robinson,
who spoke at the ceremony, “Detroit
was our roots, most of our homes. Even
though most of us dont live here any-

more, it's still our home." RCA be-
gan a series of rare Elvis
reissues january. More to come.

“The new Joni Mitchell album has a bunch
of artists, including Billy Idol, Willie Nel-
son, Peter Gabriel, Wendy and liso, Thomas
Dolby and sax great Wayne Shorter, help-
ing her out. . . . Prince's Black Album was

held up so Warner Bros. could squeeze
at least one more single off Sign ‘O’ the
Times. . . . Look for Unforgellable Fire:
Past Present and Future, “The De-
finitive Biography of U2” by Irish
journalist Eamon Dunphy. The author
had full access to the band for more
than 18 months. .. . The final concert of
the Prince's (as in Charles) Trust, starring
Elton John, James Taylor, Phil Collins, Belin-
da Carlisle, Paul McCartney, Robin Williams
and the Miami Sound Machine, will air
the U.S. in May on ABC... .. One of the
expert dancers in the film Dirty Danc-
ing is offering lessons in New York at
‘The Learning Annex. The class de-
scription says, “You'll be encouraged to
improvise .. . so you can create your
own version of Dirty Dancing.” Alter
the fourth class, the students will be
taken to a rock club to strut their stull'in
public. ill Wyman used his mobile
studio this past Christmas to produce a
ngle, I Want to Grow Like Jesus, for a
Sunday-school choir. Wyman
s me who hears it goes
ahhhh.^ The Dead's Bob Weir went to
a Pink Floyd concert in Oakland and
overheard а [an say, "We're at the
wrong concert . . . isn't this the Grateful
Dead?" On another Pink Floyd front, the
band filmed one of its Atl
ase... . Jon Hammer has
ten two songs and performed all i
ments on them except sax for an up-
coming Clorence Clemens album

RANDOM RUMORS. We began with the

a concerts

mov

monks, so its only natural to end with
the Pope. ‘Think of the pi os. We
hear that His Holiness is teaming up

with Belgian rocker Plastic Bertrand on a
charity single. The Pope will read a

ssage in French, Ital
sh and Polish. The proc
will go to Vatican charities. Could we,
dare we, call this Papal Rap? What the
heck, let's do it BARBARA NELLIS

VIC GARBARINI

Eurythmics’ Annie Lennox is the
wounded, avenging goddess in the war of
the sexes—sweoping down to smite the
users of Trojans. "I was bitter when I met
you/ I was eloquent with rage,” she sings
on Savage (RCA), her latest collaboration
Dave
Stewart. And Savage certainly is a bitter,
eloquent collection of laments and diatribes
about love and sex. Unfortunately, the
chatter and thump of programed synths
and drum machines on the skimpy backing
tracks diminish the impact of the promi
ing melodies. The feeling that Lennox is
sometimes wallowing in, rather than purg-
ing, her darker emotions is also a little
wearing. But on the scathingly ironic /
Need a Man, she churns out her best
Aretha-meets-Mick vocal attack, while
Stewart chucks the synths in favor of a
Keithish guitar assault. Notch up another
cut on the eventual Eurythmics’ greatest-
hits collection we're all waiting for

Last month, 1 moaned about how Robbie
Robertsons reliance on U2 and Peter
Gabriel's band marred his solo LP. Another
couple of listens convinced me that I was
out of focus. Now 1 hear his musical identi-
ty shining through—and the sidemen,
well, they actually enhance his work. Sor-
ry, Robbie: I was wrong.

NELSON GEORGE

George Michaels Faith (Columbia) will
bc one of the dominant records of 1988. It's
arranged with wit, intelligently written
and beautifully sung. But that describes a
lot of quality records. Michael is, of course,
more than just musically gifted. He's sexy
in a fey way, but with enough believable
machismo not to offend such straight-arrow
types as yours truly. And, as demonstrated
ın those ubiquitous Wham! videos, old
Georgie knows how to flash that grimace.
trim that beard and swing that earring for
the camera. All of which will contribute to
the adulation sure to be heaped on Faith.
Those who were charmed by the pop corn
of Wham!’s Wake Me Up (Before You Go-
Go) have already taken the title cut to
number-one pop. However, it’s Michael's
superb feel for R& B/funk that makes Faith
so imposing. The controversial single /
Want Your Sex sets the tone and the thump-
ing Monkey equals it for funk intensity.
Hard Day is another intricate arrangement
of drum hi melodic keyboard
hooks and soulful vocals that has become
black-rac staple. The ballad Оне More
Try evokes the secular Gospel of Memphi
soul, though Michacl's vocal isn’t as impas-
joned as you'd expect. Perhaps Faiths
most brilliant song is Hand to Mouth, a
seductive R&B groove that underscores

Michaels sardonic view of America’s ap-
peal to foreigners.

Fire Up Wi
, (mds ih Birthday!

he
24 =

ЧАРА.

© 1988 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO co.

FILTERS: 16 mg. "tar 1) nicotine) i A 4
N prc.
: A CAME, 4 H
У у...
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette cAMEQ
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. y | | TN Мәр

Camel.75 VcarsAnd Still Smokin: ZI BIRTHDAY?!) .

PLAYBOY

356154, Whitney

Houston-— Whitney

360016. Spyro G
stories Witha

363465 Dolly Porton—
Rainbow. (Columbie)

362483 Orig.
Soundtrack— Най! Haili
Rock n’ Roll. (MCA)
362236. Tony Bennett
—Bennett/Berlin.
Kolumbo)

362210. Eorth, Wind &
Fire—Touch The World.
{Columbia}

362129 Belinda
Corlisle—Heaven On
orth. (MCA)

361543 Kitoro—The light
Of The Spiri. (Gefen)
361279. Worlds Greotest
Overtures — Strauss,

more.
BEE

361147 Rodgers And
Hommersteins Corousol.
BorbaraCook; Somuel
Romey. Dici

MCA Closes}

360974. Squeeze—
Bobylon Ard On. (A&M)
360149. Echo & The
Bunnymen. (Sire)

360107 Billy Idol. Virol
idol (Chrysalis)

359976. Bodeons—
Outside Locking ln
Reprse/Slosh)

359901 Mick Jogger—
Primitive Cool. (Courbio)

359612 Elton Johr's
Greatest Hits, Vol IM
1979-1987 (Geller

359208. Loverboy—
Wildside. (Columbo)

359075. Aerosmith—
"Permonont Vecotion.”
(Geffen)

359016 о Metheny
Group Still Life (Tolking).
(Geller)

358937 Hondel: Music
For The Royo!

Froworks Yehudi

Menuhin, Royo
Phihormonic Orchestro.
Бәк) MCA Clessics/RPOJ

358663. The Artof Alfred
Brendel Vol. I. (Vonavord,
358507 Whos Thot.

Girl Ong. Soundirock.
(See)

358127 Kronos

Quortet- White Mon
Sloops. Volors, los,
Bortok; ек. Сой.
Nonesuch!

357939. Originol
Soundirock— Lo Bomba”.
ISlosh/ Worner Bros]
357889. Coplord: Billy The
Kid; Appalachian Spring:
cc. —Bernsten, NY Phil
Оуу Remastered:

CBS Mosterworks!
357871. Tchaikovsky:
Woltzes—S. Comssiono.
‘ord Houston Symphony
[Dgto—Pro Arte)
357640. Wynton
Morsolis—Morsolis
Stondord Time,
(Columbia)

357467 Sammy Hagor.
Geller)

357350. The Duke
Hlinglon Orchestra—
Digitol Duke. Dic! GRP
357145. Richord Goode
Ploys Brohm: Piono
Pieces, Op. 76 & 19/
Fontosies Op. №.
(Dici Nonesuch)
357087. Groteful
Deod—in The Dork.
[209

356741. Boch: Preludes
And Fugues For Orgon,
Vel оног Newport
Classic)

356667 Heort- Bod
‘Animals. [Copitol

359521. The Cars —

| (шши:

356576. John Adoms:
The Choirmon Donces—
DeWaort, Son Fron. Sym.
(Digito!—Nonesuch)

356501. Bonson/Klugh —
Colloborotion.

(Worner Bros.)

356287. Suzonne Vego—
Sdiitude Standing. (A&M
356279. Glorio Estelon
‘Ard Miami Sound Mochine.
—letliloose (Ере!
355834. Dovid Bowie—
Never Let Me Down.

{EM Amore}

357657, Beethoven:
Piano Concerto No. 5

355776, Strovinsky: The
Firebird (1910 version;
Song Of The Nightingole
—Boulez, New York Phi.
[Deol Remostered—
CBS Mosterworks)

355529. Philip Gloss—
DencaPiecos.

IDoiici- CBS)

355362. Whitesnoke
(Gelen)

355156. Vladimir Horowitz
Ploys Fovorite Chopin
Dol Remasered—

CBS Masterworks)

355n5-395M. Prince
sn O The Times.
[Paisley Pork)

354985. Billie Holidoy—
From The Origincl Decco
Mosters. Digtolly
Remostered—MCA)
354951. Mezort. Flute
Quortets-Rosiropovich,
котрої Stern, Accordo
[було CES Mosiermorki)

354829. liso - Lise And
Cult Jom With Full
Force Sponsh Hy.
Самте

Rock Classics from the 60's and 70's

еВ

E ris
Deed Wemer Bros)
358358. Joe Cocker—
Clossics. ABM)
357616-397612. The Best
‘Of The Doors. IDgioly
Reniosered—Elekiro}
357277 The Who—Who's
Next. MCA)

353102. Jimi Hendrix
‘Are You Experienced?
Reprise)

351957. чез—Ргодйе.
(Alentc)

350652. Rolling Stones—
Exile On Main St

{Rolling Stones Roc)
345157. Jethro ТЫ
Aqualung. (Chrysalis
341073. Steely Don—
‘ADecode of Steely Don.
INCA)

327742. The Best Of
Konses. (CBS Assoc]

308049. Creedence
Осо level
string John fuger
Chronicle ren”
Nis оозу!
293597.ledZeppelin—

Houses Of The Holy.
(Aloma)

292243 Sockson Browne
—The Pretender [Asylum
201864-391862. Original
Soundtrock Woodstock.
(onic)

291526. Emerson, Loke &
Palmer—Broin Solod
Surgery. Allontic)
291484. Deep Purple—
Wochne Head.

[Morrer Eros)

291278. The Doobie
Brothers Best of the
Doobies. (Werner Bros)
291021. Supertramp—
Breakfast in Americo.
EM

290171, The Steve Miller
Bund--GreotestHits
1974-78. (Cope)
287003 Eogle's Greatest
киз 9711975 (Asyl
286914. Fleetwood Moc
Z Rumours (Worner Bros]
286740, Linda Ronstadl's
Greatest Hits. [Asylum]
279133. Meot toot —Bot
Out OF Hell. Ep)
269209, Boston
Boston. (Ере)

250638. Chicogos
Groctest Низ. оті)
257279 Bruce Spring-
Steer—Eornto Run
Сото)

244459 Santana's
Grectest Hits Columbia
231670. Joris Joplin's
Grectesi Hits Colunbicl
214650.Blood, Sweat &

Tears Greatest Hits
IColuribio]

361675.
...Kothing Like

354902. Fleetwood Mac—
Tongain the Night /

353946 Bryan Adoms—
intoTheFire AEM

353789. Sly & The
Tomy Sones Grootest
Has cd
353771 Bolling/R« |:
Sue paler Eate ieee
Pioro Trio (Digito!—CBS)
352534. Holst: The
Morais -A Dons оомо
Sym Digi Angel
351122 Europe The.
Final Countdown. (Epic)
350793-390799. Aretha
Frorklin —30 Greatest
Hits. (Atlontic)
350140. Pretenders—Get
Close. (Sire)
349985. Johnny Mathis!
Henry Mancini—The Holly-
wood Musicols (Columbia)
349571 Beston—Thire
Stoge (МСА)
349373. Beethoven
Symphony No. 9 (Choral)
Berton, KY РЫ
Dgiolykemostered—
cuervo
348087308962, inde
Ronsiodi_ Round
Midnight (Asylum)
348979. Tino Turner
Breok Every Rule (Capital)
348646. Pachelbel Conon
Romer Digel belg:
perio ا‎ ich
Digicl Forlorel
348458. Drorok: Cello
Concerto Too мо;
Moorel Bein Puhr
Digiol CBS Mosterworks]
348318 The Police—
Every Brooth vou Toke
—The Singles (A&M)
34810 Buddy Holy —
Nene lane Bap

mer topes Dich
Remastered NCA У

347955. Huey Lewis & The 346478. Modonno—

3435319. Janer Jockson—

334391. Whiney

BILLY JOEL

КОНЦЕРТ

319941 Eton John— 209003. Loggins &

Folia ните "roe Blue (Sue! Control (ABN Houston. (Ansio) Greatest Hits. МСА Messino Ihe Best Of
346057. eve Winvnnd 345777 Peter Gobriel— 342097 Borbro 326629. Bruce Spring- 318089 Michael Jockson Friends. Columbo)

Death High Lie. So. (Geffen) Sweisand—The steen—Born In The Thriller [Epic 246868. Jim Croce—
se итенај else Broodwey Album. USA. Columbo) 318055. Foreigner— Photographs And
ке Grocaland. Мете Виса! Colunbol 323899. The Best Of The Foreigner Records Memones—His Greotest
346643. Andreos Vollen- 338905. Diono Ross & ‘Alon Porsens Project. (Atlin) Hits (Soo
weider—Down lo The 344721 Lionel The Supremes 20 Arste} 317149 Don 219477 Simon&

Moon. (CBS)
Ceiling. (Motown)

344622. Anto Boker—
Корее (Elckirci

343582. Von Holen—
5150. (Womer Bros]

346544 Kenny G
—Duotones. [Ario]
346536, The Monkees—

Then Now.. The Best
Of The Monkees [Ansio]

Asound investment, indeed! Any time
you can get SIX brand-new, high-quality
‘Compact Discs for $1.00—thar's a goad
decl! And that's ехосћу what you get os o
rew member of the CBS Compoct Disc Club.
Justfillin ond mail the applicatian—we'll
send your six CDs and bill you $1.00, plus
shipping ond handling. You simply ogee to
buy four more CDs (ot regulor club prices! in
the next two years—and you may then
cancel your membership anytime offer
doing so.

How the Club works: About every four
weeks (13 times а year) you'll receive the
Club's music magazine, which describes the
Selection of the Month... plus many exciting
alternates; new hits and old favorites Iram
every fold of music. In addition, up to six
times a year, you may receive offers of
Special Selections, usually ot o discount off
regular Club prices, for a total of up to 19
buying opportunities.

Ifyou wish ta receive the Selection of the
Month, you need do nothing—it will be
shipped automatically If you prefer on
alternate selection, or none at all, fil in the
response card clways provided and maili
by the date specified. You will olwoys have

Richie— Danang On the

Greatest Hits. Motowr
336396-396390. Billy
Joel's Greatest Hits
Vol. 182 (Colum
336222 Dire Stroits—
Brothers In Arms.
Warner Bros]

Vou

ot least 10 days in which to make your
decision. If you ever receive any Selection
without having 10 days to decide, you moy
return it at our expense.

The CDs you order during your
membership will be billed ct regular Club
prices, which currently ore $14.9B ra
$15.98—plus shipping and handling.
[Multiple-unit sets moy be somewhat
higher.) After completing your enrollment
‘agreement you may cancel membership at
ary time; if you decide ta continue as o
member, you'll be eligible for our money-
saving bonus plan. Itlets you buy one CD ot
half price for each CD you buy at reguler
Club prices.
10-Doy Free Trial: We'll send details of the
Club's operation with your introductory
shipment. If you are not satisfied for any
reason whatsoever, justreturn everything
within 10 days ond you will hove na further
obligation. So why not choose 6 CDs fcr.
$I right now?

ADVANCE BONUS OFFER: As a special
offerto new members, take one additional
‘Compact Disc right now and poy anly
$6.95. It's o chance to get о seventh
selectian ato super low price!

Selections with tuo numbers contoin 2 COs ond count os 2-—so write in both numbers.

CBS COMPACT DISC CLUB: Terre Haute, IN 47811

320080. Borbro
Srenonds Greotes Hits
ото]

319996-399998.
Motown's 25 21 Hits
From 25 Yeors (Motown

Fogelberg- Greciest
низ Full Moon Epic
314997 364999. Stevie
Wonder s Original

Gorfurkel' Greatest
Hits. Columba
209973. Cot Stevens—
Teaser And The Firecot

Musiquarium Ї Tero ABM}
138580. Bob Dylan's 354100. Crowded House.
Greatest Hits Columbo} Соро)

© 1988 Columbia House. A Division of CBS Records inc

re Du =
СВУ COMPACT DISC CLUB, 1400 N. fruitridge |
RO. Box 1129, Terre Haute, Indiana 47811-129

1
1
1

r-------

Please occept my menbershinapplcctionynderthetems ovined inthis |
oduerisemenl Serd me е 6 Conpoci Dscs ised here ond bilne 9 00. |
plus shpora ond handing for oll sx Lagree to buy four more selections
Es roguor Club paces in the coming hvo years
menbersho ot ony ime oher doing so.
SEND ME THESE 6 CDs FOR S100

end moycorcel my

My mon musicoliniorestis (check оге}. Bull moyainoys choose komory cotageny]

509 Rock Л TASCA |

1

Address 1 fre |

[em |

эое Ze l

Doyouvhave o VCR? Cred mel O'er INS "ws |
Do youka сова Сд ота! Оче Омо

‘ADVANCE BONUS OFFER: Alo send me n= |

ore more CD ght now at ihe sper low pce | |
cf st $6.95, wach wibe biled to me a=

o cesarean ome |
asa members serncedby ne CES Classical cha NRT/AK NKB/RY

—4 2

22

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

GRAND OPERA enters the music-video era in
Aria (Miramax), an explosion of talent,
melody and tantalizing imagery that will
probably attract more classicists than
MTV addicts. Producer Don Boyd’s brain
storm was to give ten directors carte
blanche with an operatic aria of their
choice, going as far out as inspiration or
irreverence might lead them. Typically, di-
rector Julien Temple uses Verdi's Rigoletto
as background music for a here-and-now
sex farce about a married couple (Buck
Henry and Anita Morris) who keep just
missing each other while shacking up at a
kinky motel with their respective amours
(Beverly D'Angelo in animal skins plays
Buck's doe). While real opera stars, living
and dead, keep the sound track swollen
with song, the performers on screen for the
most part do without dialog. There's no
place for talk, anyway, when director Nico-
las Roeg also has a go at Verdi, with
Theresa Russell (Mrs. Rocg off screen)
male drag as a Middle European
named Zog—or when Robert Altman
hokes up Rameau’s Les Boreades as a musi-
cal soiree in a madhouse, with Julie Hager-
ty among the demented revelers. France’s
Jean-Luc Godard spoofs Lullv's Armide
with a bevy of nude bimbettes ogling mus-
cle m a gym. Not all the ideas aic su
facetious. Directors Bruce Beresford, Ken
Russell and Franc Roddam play it straight,
or with darker ideas. And Aria’s most visu-
ally stunning episode is the Roddam treat-
ment of Tristan und Isolde—the famous
Wagnerian music used to set the mood for
a suicidal young couple (Bridget Fonda—
Peters daughter and Janes піссе апд
James Mathers) making passionate love
before they end it all in a glitzy Las Vegas
hotel. Plainly, there's a consistent thread of
eroticism here. Some of it works, some of it
seems obscure or arbitrary. But Aria is con-
sistently lavish, ambitious and unlike any
other movie you're apt to see this year. YYY
.

An aggressive young musician (Kevin J
O'Connor) sets off on a quest to establish
contact with a legendary guitar maker
named Silk (Harris Yulin), who has quit
the rock scene and vanished years earlier.
En route northward “to the last town on
the last street in North America,” the
searcher mects music makers and women
from Silk’s past (Laurie Metcalf, Bulle
Ogier), finally corners his qi nd con-
fronts some disturbing truths about integri-
ty, success and himself. Although Condy
Mountoin (International Film Exchange) is
as bleak as the Nova Scotia landscapes
where much of it was shot, there's a myste-
rious, poctic pull to this road movic codi-
rected by veteran photo journalist Robert
Frank with screenplay author Rudy Wur-
litzer (whose credits run the gamut from

Aria's Mathers and Fonda.

Ten nights at the opera,
road-movie rock and
cinematic glasnost.

Coming Home to Walker). Frank is a well-
seasoned aesthetic rebel known both for
still photography (The Americans, 1959)
and for such underground film classics as
19725 controversial, seldom-shown Rolling
Stones documentary Cocksucker Blues. Be-
tween them, Wurlitzer and Frank peer into
the nether world of contemporary music
with a singular cinematic vision that works
its spell like a lonesome traveler strumming
the blues. VY

P

Among the unexpected fringe benefits of
glasnost is Repentance (Cannon), Russia"
provocative entry in the Oscar race. Made
1982 by director Tenghiz Abuladze and
ially banned, the movie has now be-
come a sellout hit in the Soviet Union
Over here, its scathing mockery of the so-

ial system scems leaden and long-winded
at times, but all the same and.
у the ruling class
than any recent film from the so-called free
world. There's surreal black comedy in the
ing sequences, following the death of a
ncial mayor whose body is repeatedly
disinterred and propped up in his fami
garden. The grave robber turns out to be a
woman named Katevan (Zeinab Bots-
vadze). whose own family suffered grievous
wrongs under the late, unlamented ty
portrayed in flashbacks as an obvious
hybrid of Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin.
Katevan's trial, then, evolves into an icon-
smashing indictment of the past
as you delend him, he's
charges. Repentance is a subtly subversive,

intellectually challenging political fantasy
for moviegoers who prefer a message to
mere mental massage. УУУ

.

France's Academy Award contender in
the foreign-language category is yet an-
other film about Nazi persecution of Jews
during World War Two. But stay tuned,
because writer-producer-director Loui
Malle’s Goodbye, Children (Orion Classics)
works vivid and disquieting variations on
that familiar theme. Drawing from his own
reminiscence of a Catholic boyhood, Malle
goes back to 1944, to a boarding school
where a student named Julien (Gaspard
Manesse, clearly Malle’s alter ego) be-
friends a remote, studious Jewish class-
mate, Jean (Raphaël Fejtö), who has
enrolled under a false name. Julien scarce
ly knows what it means to be a Jew until
his brother, a lightweight upperclassman,
explains, “They're smarter than ив... and
they don't eat pork." One bleak day,
schoolboy camaraderie gives way to a g
ne tragedy that twists the hearts and
minds of children subjected by the Gestapo
to a crash course in cruelty. Malles
poignant wartime memoir trims big ideas
to fita small canvas, brought to life with
perfectly crafted, deeply personal insight
and compassion. УУУУ:

.

God intentions go astray in five Corners
(Cineplex Odcon), directed by Tony Bill
from John Patrick (Moonstruck) Shanley’s
oddball screenplay about teen trauma in a

it’s on
the movie plays like American
Graffiti with an Eastern Seaboard slant,
spotlighting Jodie Foster as a feisty young
woman whose local admirers include a
zany bartender (100-proof performing by
Todd Graff), a civil rights activist (Tim
Robbins) and a homicidal psychopath
(John Turturro, another new talent to
watch). There's a breezy air of social satire
blowing through the movie when the psy-
cho, who has just served a jail term for try-
ing to rape her, brings Jodie a pair of stolen
live penguins as a peace ollering, or when
someone (we'te never who) slays
an unpopular alge a bow
and arrow. Whimsy turns to violent melo-
drama, though, before the final reel—with
matricide, homicide and Jodie dragged up
to a tenement rooftop for a King Kong cli-
max. Finally, there are so many characters
amid so much clamor that Corners wears
out its welcome and earns merely a mullled
Bronx cheer. ¥¥

.

Spewing inspired madness at approxi-
mately the speed of light, with some gen-
uine pathos thrown in for good measure,
Robin Williams is a stand-up comic with a
sit-down job in Good Morning, Vietnam
(Touchstone). As an Armed Forces disc
jockey whose outrageous broadcasts from

‘Subscribe now and get 12 issues of
PLAYBOY for only $24. That's a $19.00 sav-
ing, a full 44% off the $43.00 single-copy
rate. PLAYBOY keeps you involved, informed
and excited all year long with. .. top fiction
by the world's leading authors ... lively inter
views with newsmakers in the worlds of
politics, sports, entertainment and busi
ness... choice tips on modern living, fashion,
food and drink... sophisticated humor

Pius the splendor of PLAYBOY 's incredibly
beautiful women. Subscribe now. We'll bill
you later. Or mail your $24 check or money
order to:

PLAYBOY

PO. Box 2002
Harlan, lowa 51593-0217

ОА Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-289-7529

Rate apples tc US. US. Poss , APO-FPO addresses опу.
Canadian rate: 12 issues $25.

Omer foreign: 12 issues $35,

in US. currency only

24

on boost GI morale back in 196:
Williams fills the screen with hilarious i
sults, impersonations and his special brand
of liberating antisocial obscenity. After the
first onslaught, you may notice that there's
not much of a movie to fill the spaces be-
tween Robin's routines. It's strictly heart-
on-sleeve formula stuff about freedom of
information and courage under fire. Direc-
tor Barry Levinson, as always (notably in
Diner and Tin Men), has a good sense of
ensemble comedy, with Forest Whitaker,
J. T. Walsh and Bruno Kirby among the
guys on the base. They're funny, though
mostly foils in a wishy-washy wartime tale
said to be loosely based on a real-life char-
acter. A more apt title for Vietnam might be
Robin Williams Live. VV.
.

‘That ultimate drag queen, Divine, plays
a consummate stage mother in Hairspray
(New Line), written and directed by that
king of camp, John Waters. Ricki Lake, as
Tracy Turnblad, is Divines portly of-
spring, a teenager of the Sixties who as-
pires to stardom on a trashy TV
bandstand show—where a girl from the
slums, if she can dance up a storm, can be
catapulted to supercelebrity among her
peers. The alternative to fame, someone
observes, “is a one-way ticket to reform
school.” As the kind of movie in which a
supermom pops her daughters pimples
while vowing "Well claw our way to the
top.” Hairspray manages to be simult
neously outrageous, harmless and quite
droll, if you happen to have a taste for low
comedy. Divine’s rivals in this bouffant op-
era are Sonny Bono and Debbie Harry
tified as Miss Soft Crab of 1945),
playing a pushy couple who make parent-
hood look like a punishable crime. YVV2

.

Some dreamily photographed, sopping-
wet sexual fantasies may be the main at-
traction of Sister Sister (New World), an
otherwise conventional thriller An old
Louisiana plantation house down in the
bayous is the atmospheric setting, where
Jennifer Jason Leigh, Judith Ivey and Eric
Stoltz work their way through one of th
women-in-jeopardy tales. They're a chari
matic trio but can just barely sink thei
tecth into a screenplay as phony as the alli-
gator that comes snapping out of the
swamp. ¥¥

.

On stage or screen, there's no better ac-
tress anywhere than Maggie Smith. And in
all of literature, there's no finer portrait of a
lovelorn spinster with a drinking problem
than in The Lonely Passion of Judith Hearne
(Island Pictures). Smith, directed by Jack
(Room at the Top) Clayton in a meticulous
adaptation of the Brian Moore novel,
wrings every iota of wry humor and pathos
from her role as an Irish biddy who rather
delicately creates havoc in a Dublin room-
ing house. Keeping pace with her all the
way is Bob Hoskins as the landlady's
bachelor brother and the object of Miss
Hearne’s misplaced affection. While she's

Ricki Lake, Alan Wendl in Hairspray.

Something for everybody,
from fans of Divine
to those of Maggie Smith.

looking for love, he’s looking for a bu:

partner cash to invest. Drink,

pointment and the loss of religious fai

the issues joined by Judith Hearne, a bleak

but tender little movie with two grand per-

formers to light up its dark-gray akics. УУУ
.

Dominick (Tom Hulce) is a slightly re-
tarded young man who works on a garbage
truck to put his brother Eugene (Ray Liot-
ta) through medical school. Thereby hangs
the tale of a touchy sibling relationship in
director Robert M. Young's Dominick ond
Eugene (Orion), which is well written and
well played but smacks of those prime-time
problem dramas that proliferate on the
tube. This one is resolved by a case of child
abuse and murder, a melodramatic flourish
that doesn't help much. A real help,
though, is Jamie Lee Curtis, chiming in
with another intelligently sexy perform-
ance as the young woman who takes an
interest in the doctor's case. ¥¥
.

Charles Grodin, Sally Kellerman,
Kristy McNichol and Merete Van Kamp
all have minor roles in Yeu Can't Hurry Love
(Lightning). Their mission is to explain the
ground rules of contemporary sex games to
a jilted young square (David Packer) who
arrives in Los Angeles and signs up with a
dating service. On videos provided by the
service, he passes himself off as a director
of T V commercials, a rock musician and a
race-car driver before he learns what's real
with a girl called Peggy (comely Bridget
Fonda, again). This none-too-fizzy comedy
has the staying power of a soft drink, which
indicates that it will probably go in no
time, flat, from your neighborhood theater
to your neighborhood video shop. УУ

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Absolution (Reviewed 1/88) Harrowing
suspense, and Burton at his best. УУУ
Aria (See review) Can't stop the music
or the moviemakers. wy
Broadcast News (3/88) TV or not TV.
and really tuned in. way
Candy Mountain (Sce review) It's mostly
rock, but not too sweet. wy
Cop (3/88) James Woods going Dirty
Harry one, or maybe two, better. УУ
Cry Freedom (12/87) Attenborough'’s
moving drama about apartheid. УУУУ
The Dead (2/88) Anjclica Huston in fa-
ther John's masterful swan song, from a
story by James Joyce. wy
Dominick and Eugene (Scc review) Broth-

erly love put to the test. YY
Empire of the Sun (3/88) Spielberg on a
roll with World War Two. ET

The Family (Listed only) They're all Ital-
ian, and plenty of em. wy
Five Corners (See review) Anyway, а
Bronx cheer for Jodie Foster. Y
Goodbye, Children (Sce review) Anti-
Semitism in occupied France. ¥¥¥
Good Morning, Vietnam (Sec review) A
semitriumph for the first Robin. УУУ
Hairspray (Sce review) Some follicle fol-
lies, with Divine. Wh
Hope ond Glory (11/87) Brits having
themselves a lovely war. wy
Housekeeping (Listed 2/88) Lahti’s per-
formance is immaculate. Ws
The House on Carroll Street (3/88) Kelly
McGillis, girl detective. w
Ironweed (3/88) Nicholson and Streep
injecting sure-fire star power. — ¥¥¥¥
The Last Emperor (2/88) He has clothes,
plus scads of glorious scenery. УУУУ
The Lonely Passion of Judith Hearne (Sec
review) Magic by Maggie. yyy
Moonstruck (2/88) Cher and Cher alike
with the cast of a zesty comedy. УУУ
Patti Rocks (2/88) Two macho men and a
woman who's too much for them. УУМ
Promised Lond (3/88) More American
dreams coming to a bad end. жз
Repentance (Scc review) Russia's bid for
the Oscar, not a bad bet vu
Sister Sister (Scc revicw) Things going

bump in the bayou vy
Walker (3/88) Nicaragua then and now,
in misbegotten black comedy. y

Wall Street (3/88) Michacl Douglas with

another sort of fatal attraction, courtesy
of Oliver Stone ww
White of the Eye (3/88) The return of
Cathy Moriarty. She's got It уум
You Can't Hurry Love (See review) On the
singles scene in La-La Land Y

YY YY Outstanding
YYYY Dont miss YY Worth a look
¥¥¥ Good show Y Forget it

Let your VCR take you
to another dimension.

Enter a world unlike ony other. A world
that exists in the imagination, yet makes
believers out of all who experience it.

Created some thirty years ago by the
genius of Rod Serling, The Twilight Zone
remoins as the critics described it —

"the most imaginative half-hour in TV’
It set the siandard for all science-fiction
to follow.

And now you con visit the place that
mesmerized television viewers every-
where. And be mesmerized yourself.

The Twilight Zone.

Beginning with your first four-episode
cassette, you'll be fronsported to a dimen-
sion where an out-of-the-way farmhouse
becomes a battlefield as Agnes Moorhead
fends off on alien attack іп “The Invaders

Your first cassette
for only $495.

(plus shipping and handling
wih subscription)

Then you'll watch Ed Wynn make the episode is featured exactly as it originally
sules pilchi of his career to Mr. Death in aired—complete and uncut. Plus each
One For The Angels‘ In "The Eye Of The cassette arrives in o handsome case ex-

Beholder’, you'll travel to a land where the clusively designed for the Collection.

ugly are accepted and the beautiful are You'll visit The Twilight Zone the best

damned. And in "The Lonely" starring way possible too—with no risk. Take 10

Jack Warden, you'll see а man’s love days ta preview each cassette and pay

bring о robot to life. just $29.95 for each one you decide to
Ws all yours for only $4.95 plus ship: keep. There's no minimum to buy and you

ping and handling when you subscribe to can cancel your subscription any time.

the series. Cross over to The Twilight Zone today.
Then, about every six weeks, you'll Mail the coupon or for foster service,

receive another four-episode video- call toll-free (credit cord orders only)

cassette featuring a specially selected 1-800-CBS-4804 (in Indiana, call

collection of shows. You'll see Talky Tina 1-800-742-1200). And prepore yourself

menace Telly Savolas in “The Living Doll to travel to a new horizon

ond Burgess Meredith survive a nuclear CBS VIDEO LIBRARY 1400 North Fruitridge Ave

Gtiock in "Time Enough At Lost” Each Tere Haute. IN 47811

"CBS VIDEO LIBRARY THE

| Dept тор. FO. вох 1111, Terre Haute, IN 47811

| ER erer imysubscrpion to The Пий Zone under he terms
desorbed in hs od. Send me my rs videocossete (Ош episodes),
ai be ow nttoductory price dl $4 95 plus S2 4

handling. whch Im paying as indicdled below (I ir). Also. send me

'ocossettes (al $29 95 plus 52 45 shipping ого handing)
y approval, wih no Obligation lo puchose
Checkone [| VHS. [1 BETA
na

Check how paying
‘CHECK ENCLOSEO tor 57 40° (54 95 + 5241 5 та
(RO. Charge my senes purchoses, Берти 4
Amencontxpress i JVISA | MosterCord

Account # Expues

Sandue

NANE

(ease pi

PHONE
ADORE API
my TATE ze

NOTE Al subse
subscnphon Of

new CBS Video Library reserve or cancel ony

hengî
US "Applicable sales юх added ia oll orders.

By THOMAS M. DISCH

TONY HENDRAS Going Too Far (Doubleday) is
the former National Lampoon editors
sprawling, gossipy account of, in his subti-
tle’s words, “The Rise and Demise of Sick,
Gross, , Sophomoric, Weirdo, Pinko,
Anarchist, Underground, Anti-Establish-
ment Humor." Hendras history of “Boom-
er” humor begins 30 years ago, a decade
before the postwar “Baby Boom" genera-
tion had advanced from underwear joke:
to Mad magazine with Mort Sahl and
Lenny Bruce; its demise more or less сс
cides with John Belushi. Hendra's m:
contention—that America's sense of humor
escalated from the gentle, gentecl wit of
The Saturday Evening Post to the scathing
and gut-busting satire of Saturday Night
Live—cannot be gainsaid, and its also
woefully obvious that the pendulum has
lately taken a long swing back to the mild-
mannered and warmhearted. While Hen-
dra’s history of dark humor is somewhat
skewed to reflect the high points of h
career, that doesn’t amount to a large dis
tortion, since he has always lived close to
the snarling source of satire and even today
is a force behind the last genuine comedi
show with teeth, the British TV series Spi
ting Image. As becomes the work of a grea
satirist, Hendra’s book could not be time-
lier, since the question it poses—whether
Boomer humor did actually go loo far—is a
critical 1988 case before the Supreme
Court (Jerry Falwell vs. Larry Flynt). Ove
doesn't have to think Flynts gross-out
techniques are funny to feel a friendly
terest in his case: Satire may not be li
at the present moment, but theoretically,
still possible. If Falwell wins, satirists of all
sorts will have to consider other employ-
ment opportunities.

own

.

Way back in 1842, in The Mysteries of
Paris, Eugene Sue created a recipe for pot-
jon that was to be the basis for
such later classics as Dickens’ Our Mutual
Friend and The Great Gatsby. In his first
novel, The Mysteries of Pittsburgh (Morrow),
Michael Chabon continues in that great
tradition. Sue's formula was to combine
high society and the scum of the earth in
equal parts, mix well and bring to a boil.
As a background, take the familiar scenes
of everyday urban life and nt them with
romance's most lurid colors, so that every
bedroom smells of myrrh and musk and
factory smokestacks tower against the
night sl ke the battlements of hell. Any-
body can write a realistic account of
first postgraduation summer of growing up
and making love, but to make such a story
the stuff of legend, as Chabon has done
here (and Fitzgerald did before him), takes
something close to genius. Chabon can
paint a scene with two daubs and a flick of
the wrist, as in this picture of a “bright,

Going Too Far: A history of Boomer humor.

A gossipy account of baby-boom
humor and an
absolutely terrific first novel.

uncomfortable living room. The decorator
had made an effort, it seemed, to create the
illusion that the whole house existed in
some remote future, in the wan, empty
years alter the extinction from the planet of
furniture and cushions. 1 sat down on three
wide dowel rods and a piece of beige can-
vas and tried not to lean back. jabon
also creates characters who are at once
plausible and drenched with glamor,
duding, for the first time in American liter-
ature, a biker, Cleveland ng who is
destined to become, once the movie is
made, the archetypal high-style, bad-ass,
ill-fated biker of all time. Brando, look to
your laurels. And Scott
yours.

.

Meanwhile, back i
Mundis has come up with an
topical theme for a self-help book. Н
says it all: How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of
Debt & Live Prosperously (Bantam); but if
you need to know more, there's also a subti-
tle: “Based on the Proven Principles and
‘Techniques of Debtors Anonymous.” In an
cra of trillion-dollar budget deficits and
conceptual money that appears only on dis-
posable monthly bills, it isn't hard to think
of debt as a basic amenity rather than as a
burden—until the brink of bankruptcy.
I've no doubt that the Debtors Anonymous
techniques work, if used as directed, but
they do represent a bitter pill. For those
who dom yet stand in need of drastic reme-
dies, I would echo Polonius’ fatherly wis-
dom to Laertes: “Neither a borrower nor a
lender be.” But, meanwhile, what about

that VCR that’s on sale for two days only?
Aye, there's the rub.
.

For a taste of country living, try Pat Ellis
Taylor's collection of stories Afoot in a Field
of Men (Atlantic Monthly). Taylor's tales
are like a laundry basket brimming with
all the dirty underwear of the great South-
west, and the job she has taken on herself is
not to wash away all the ground-in dirt
with some ethical detergent but just to ex-
plain, briefly and dispassionately, how
each smelly smear and crusty bloodstain
got there. This has usually been the wine-
darkened literary territory of such writers
as Charles Bukowski and Raymond Сагу-
er, or as Taylor's title has it, it’s a “field of
men.” I'd say she's advanced a whole lot
farther than а foot into that field—40 or 50
yards at a minimum.

BOOK BAG

Werk, Study, Travel Abroad (St. Mai
by Marjoric Adoff Cohen: An authorita-
tive work for the innocent abroad. Had
Kerouac trekked Europe, this book would
have been in his knapsack.

The Female Member (St. Martin's), by Kit
Schwartz: A jaunty romp through geni-
talia—hers. A humbling read for the man
who thinks he knows his way around down
under.

Elvis Presley Boulevard (Atlantic Month-
ly), by Mark Winegardner: Many a bored
vacationer will marvel at the authors
cross-country trek, throughout which he
gets plenty of side-show action before his
final destination—Graceland.

Movies Unlimited Video Catalog, $7.95, and
The Video Gift Book, $4.95, are both the very
best in the world of video mail-order mad-
ness. Both guides offer classics, comedy,
drama and video how-to's. An esoteric feed
for the videophile app

Athletes (Knopf), edited by Ruth Silver-

in all, eight in color, of athletic activity dat-
ing from 1860 to the present. Idiosyncratic,
as photo collections go.

Cars Beautiful (Loki), by Henry Watts: A
handbook that keeps you nursing your car
instead of someone else's ups and extras.

Pranks! (Re/Search), edited by Andrea
Juno and V. Vale: The Anarchists’ Cookbook
npoliticized. Pranks, jokes and devious
deeds from the likes of Abbic Hoffman,
Timothy Leary and thc immortal Jello Bi
afra. G. Gordon Liddy, cat your heart out.

Peter Mc Williams’ Personal Electronics Book
(Prentice-Hall). The gadget guru explains
the ever-changing industry of electronics in
a new addition to his well-known collection

of guidebooks.

[^ `

>.
^ % (аё, $
Real Friends. f Rp
| — — nmm ' pps "i
i

qe

Real people u mu
want real taste. у

ж Winston:

KING SIZE

© 1967 R.J. REYNOLOS TOBACCO CO.

Т1 mg. “tar”, 0.8 mg. nicowe av. per cigarette by FTC method.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking ¢ 4
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal

Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. |P SMOOTH RICH TASTE

BEL TECHNOLOGY BREAKTHROUGH

BEL TECHNOLOGY BREAKTHROUG|

З Band Radar L

claim we make with confidence

because the EXPRESS 3 is the

FIRST radar detector able to
detect X Band, K Band and the recently
introduced Ka Band photo radar.

The key to detecting 3 Bands is
Image Rejection Technology, or IRT®.
This BEL breakthrough also provides
the EXPRESS 3 with twice the X and K
Band sensitivity of ordinary super-
heterodyne radar detectors. With 3 Band
detection capability and superior X and
K Band sensitivity, the EXPRESS 3 has
no equal. It's the new industry standard!

Ka: The Third Band

Initially, X Band (10.525 GHz) was
the only frequency used by police radar.
Later, police radar manufacturers intro-
duced equipment transmitting at a

second frequency, K Band (24.150 GHz).
Today the use of X and K Band police
radar units on highways throughout

the country is commonplace. Enter Ka
Band (34.36 GHz) and a new era for
traffic radar.

During 1987, Ka Band police radar
equipment was placed in service. Tickets
were issued. And drivers equipped
with only X and K Band radar detectors

utilizes surface mount
components for reliable performance.

Model 94

were left defenseless. But now there's а
choice: drive uninformed with yesterday
radar detector or travel prepared to
receive X, K and Ka Band photo radar
with the EXPRESS 3.

IRT® Breakthrough
A signal processing technology called
image rejection, used in military satel-
lite communications, provides optimum
reception of satellite signals transmitted
from tens of thousands of miles away.

The EXPRESS 3 contains this same
technology, adapted and enhanced by
BEL engineers to provide a new stan-
dard in radar detection.

When combined with BEL's Compu-
heterodyne” circuitry, IRT” delivers
twice the sensitivity of any other super-
heterodyne radar detector.

BEL TECHNOLOGY BREAKTHROUGH

etection Is Here

BEL EXPRESS 3

detects X,

K and new

. KaBand photo radar.

The new standard in
radar detection.

IRT? Technology

The secret behind IRT” is the
unique method by which extraneous
microwave “noise” is significantly
reduced as signals are processed. So
significant is the noise reduction, that
police radar signals previously unde-
tected can now be identified and pro-
cessed. A conventional superheterodyne
radar detector can't see buried police
radar signals, much less warn you in
lime of their presence. IRT^ makes the
difference. Even “false” signals can be
recognized and eliminated with more
precision than ever before. A decided
plus in city travel.

Designed For You
While BEL engineers were perfecting
IRT®, our designers were at work

shaping, styling and creating a radar
detector that looks as great as it per-
forms. The EXPRESS 3 is sleek and
compact with precision controls. Func-
tional and well equipped, its features
indude: separate audio and visual alerts
for X, K and Ka Bands, False Signal
Recognition Mode, Pulse Alert, Audio
Mode, Volume Control, Dark Mode,
Rashid (Radar Safety Brake") Rejection
Circuitry and Signal Strength Meter. All
are standard on the EXPRESS 3.

Experience Shows

A radar detector this advanced
wasn't developed overnight. The
EXPRESS 3 is the result of years of
extensive design and manufacturing
experience in the field of consumer
electronics. Over the years, BEL has
introduced a number of industry firsts.

(———— VES

BEL TECHNOLOGY BREAKTHROUGH

Including computer controlled super-
heterodyne circuitry (Compuhetero-
dyne") and GaAs diode technology.
Both of which can be found in the
EXPRESS 3. The EXPRESS 3 took years
to develop, but it’s yours today!

The IRT* difference

A police radar signal is often buried by
microwave “‘noise’’, making it invisible to
ordinary superheterodyne detectors.
Image Rejection Technology” however,
reduces this surrounding microwave
"noise" making the same police radar
signal visible for early detection.

EXPRESS 3 with IRT"
sees the same signal
dearly by reducing
microwave "noise

How a conventional
superheterodyne
radar detector sees a
police radar signal

Don't Delay

You can own this new standard in
radar detection today for only $339.95!
Just call toll-free to order. UPS delivery
is free. Or ask about our Federal
Express overnight service. If you're not
completely satisfied, simply return the
unit within 30 days for a full refund
(factory direct only). The EXPRESS 3
comes with a full 1 year warranty on

Parts and service.
m 1-800-341-1401 U.S.A.

‚ 1-800-845-4525 ГҮ only
S 1-800-268-3994 Canada

BEL

BEL-TRONICS LIMITED
The Intelligent Choice

eee eran TRONS LMT

944PB

SPORTS

here were no real surprises in the re-
sults of a recent survey I took among
my friends, which was called “Sports on
‘Television: Dead or Dying, and Who Cares
Other than USA Today

The questions in the survey were careful-
ly phrased and the results were tabulated
by the accounting firm of Drinks, Dinner,
Limo & Tip.

1. Afier Nabisco gets tired of owning the
PC-A. Tour, which sport would you like to see
the company ruin next?

Bird watching in Raipur, India (97.5
percent)

Tractor pulling in southeast Louisiana
(2.5 percent)

2. If only two broadcast journalists were
allowed to conduct interviews on TV, who
would they be?

Larry King and Ted Koppel (100 per
cent)

3. Anyone else?

Shit, no (100 percent)

4. Which sport on which network can slam
your eyelids shut the quickest?

Golf on NBC (50 percent)

College football on CBS (25 percent)

College basketball on CBS (25 percent)

5. Which sports organization would you
most like to see get the “death penalty”?

N.C.A.A. (68 percent)

N.E.L. owners (32 percent)

6. What constitutes a death penalty?
ing то Brent Musburger the rest of
my life (99 percent)

Undecided (1 percent)

7. Would Brent Musburger like to host
three sports events on three networks, all at
the same time?

Yes (99 percent)

Undecided (1 percent)

8. Who is Dan Dierdorf?

I don't know (48 percent)

T think 1 know (31 percent)

I think somebody in my office knows (21
percent)

9. Could a lady broadcaster handle play.
by-play on a Super Bowl?

What difference does it make? (54 per-
cent)

If she's got tits (46 percent)

10. What is the most interesting thing
you've ever learned from listening to TV
sportscasters?

“Tom Landry is the only coach the Dal-
las Cowboys have ever had” (72 percent)

“Hell have this for a tapin” (28 per-
cent)

11. What is the most suspenseful moment
for you in all of televised sport?

By DAN JENKINS

BROADCAST
SNOOZE

Naming the Chevrolet Player of the
Game (100 percent)

12. What are your favorite Rudy Martzke
columns?

‘Those dictated by Brent Musburger (20

percent)
"Those suggested by Brent Musburger
(20 percent)
Those ed by Brent Musburger's

agent (20 percent)

Those suggested by Brent Musburger's
agent (20 percent)

Unable to choose among the four (20
percent)
13. Who is the greatest football coach in

Barry Switzer, Ok
Joc Paterno, Penn 5
14. Nobody else close?

Nobody (100 percent)

15. Not even in the pros?

Shit, no (100 percent)

16. Why has pro football become the second
most boring sport to watch, second only to
basketball in the N.B.

Broadcast shills (20 percent)

Zebras (20 percent)

Parity (20 percent)

Long season (20 percent)

Brent (20 percent)

17. What are the cures?

More Chevrolet Players of the Game (15
percent)

oma (55 percent)
te (45 percent)

More Budweiser kickoffs (15 percent)

Mazda half times (15 percent)

Nabisco time-outs (15 percent)

Michelob incompletions (15 percent)

Sprite field goals (15 percent)

Toyota fumbles (10 percent)

18. What would you rather do than watch
an МВ.А. game during the regular season?

Rot in prison (100 percent)

19. Is there anything good about tennis?

Dan Rather turns it off (25 percent)

Pat Summerall (25 percent)

‘Tony Trabert (25 percent)

Mary Carillo (25 percent)

20. Shouldn't the Heisman Trophy winner
be selected later than September 15?

Only if CBS has enough time to prepare
for the live announcement on. December
fifth (100 percent)

21. Should every sport have a Heisman
Trophy winner?

No; too nerve-racking (100 percent)

22. Which channel do you find yourself
watching the most these days?

CNN (100 percent)

Why?
etwork sports events (100 percent)

24. But you get excited and wouldn't miss
such things as the Oklahoma-Nebraska game,
the Oklahoma-Miami game and the Final
Four, don't you?

With the sound off, yes (100 percent)

25. What could get you more interested in
Sports on network television?

Diane Sawyer (25 percent)

Lesley Stahl (25 percent)

Mary Alice Williams (25 percent)

Holly Hunter (25 percent)

26. Has the name of any sports event ever
had a more perfect ring to i than the Mazda
Gator Bowl?

Only the
Celebrity
palaoa (100 percent)

27. In the realm of TV sports, what do you
look forward to the most?

Rudy Martzke's weckly choices of his fa-
vorite hellos from network executives (100
percent)

28. What future events are you excited
about?

The Nabisco Summit in Moscow (50
percent)

‘The Nabisco Democratic National Con-
vention (50 percent)

World

|
r

A

FORMEN

_ NEW DRY IDEA FOR MEN

Sport Scent and ClassicScent.

=

Introducing the most powerful wetness protection available to man. А Dry Idea* specially formulated to give men. Daran

wetness protection and odor control that lasts. With a choice of two fresh scents that are more than man enough.

NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT.

The new

Everything an exotic

ص

Katana 600.

machine should be.

If your expectations
demand an exotic performance
machine with sleek, aerodyna-
mic design, state-of-the-art
engineering, civilized ergonom-
icsand envy-laden glances from
everyone you pass, then the
new and exciting Katana 600
is one machine you definitely
can't afford to pass up.

A machine of uncommon character,
the Katana 600 sacrifices nothing.

Tt embodies the race-track heritage of
the legendary GSX-R750. Featuring the
revolutionary Suzuki Advanced Cooling
System, double-overhead cams and
“Twin Swirl Combustion Chambers.
And it also boasts strong torque spread
across low-, mid- and high-rpm ranges.

The exhilarating
performance of the
new Katana 600
ts based on the
race-track proven
anay Bon Ш аата у

R750.

——

Usable torque for exploring those twisty
canyon roads or 2-up cruising.

The Katana 600 was ergonomically
engineered for optimum comfort for as
long as you want to ride. Ideal placement
of the handlebars and footpegs in
relationship to the seat produces an ex-
ceptionally comfortable ride. Yet another
exciting and unexpected pleasure.

Professional riders pictured. Play it saje Ride wit
Ca

Wind tunnel developed
aerodynamics helped create a
highly refined fairing and
enclosed bodywork that reduc-
es aerodynamic drag, feeds
cool, fresh air to the engine
and directs the engine heat out,
away from you. And this will
allow you to slice through the
wind in total comfort.

For oplimum comfort its unique aerodynamic fairing
directs engine heat away from the rider.

The common ground it will share
with other highly sophisticated and
exotic machines is its sheer desirability.
The new Katana 600. Its everything
you've ever expected. And a lot more.

Right on, Suzuki
yy, am

$ SUZUKI.

Ask your dealer about the Suzuki Retail Finance Plan. For the name
of your neares! Suzuki Motorcycle and ATV dealer call

1-800-255-2550

tine riding apparel. Never drinka

Emirno

BO PROOF

ut of style.
ko. ts made

‘When ordering vodka, сой for the best-Smirnoff. SMIRNOFF® VODKA 80 & 100 Proof distilled from.
thefinest grain. © 1987 Ste. Pierre Smimoff FIS (Division of Heublein, inc) Hartford. CT Made in U SA

MEN

C the succulent taste of a
charcoal-broiled steak, the refresh-
ing aroma of a brook trout grilled over a
mesquite fire, the sensuousness of straw-
berries and whipped cream, There are in-
credible delicacies in life, aren't there? But
could you list any greater delicacy than
the exhilarating and provocative one that
has no publicly acceptable name?

All bold men have tasted it; all wise men
return to it as frequently as possi
refer, of course, to the fine art of eating out.
Purists call it cunnilingus. | call it pump-
ing fur.

Have you ever noticed that there's a
conspiracy of silence about this subject?
Why do so few men admit to pumping fur
while so many do it? In a society in which
we publish restaurant reviews in every
newspaper and magazine, why are we зо
unwilling to discuss all our eating habits?

Men, the time has come to pry open the
lips of reticence and lick the proble m in the
bud. What follows are the quest
frequently raised about the fine art of eat-
ing out. The hope here is that by bringing
this universal activity out of the closet,
we'll be able to trade information and offer
advice that leads to better eating and bet-
ter loving.

Are there conditioning exercises for pump-
ing fur? I'd like to get in shape for il, but I
don't know how.
an elemental question, of course.
ngus is an athletic art. Think
about it: With your mouth centered on the
object of your affections, you try to become
a human vibrator. “What am 1, a hum-
mingbird?” you sometimes ask yourself.
Your neck aches; your knees hurt; your
tongue tires. According to the National
Sex Injuries Institute, 84.7 percent of all
men who practice it are at one time or
another injured while pumping fur. Clear-
ly, this is no laughing matter.

1 recommend a conditioning regimen
that consists of (A) neck exercises (from a
standing position, bend at the waist, raise
your head and put your face against the
wall, placing all your weight on your nose
for as long as you can); (B) tongue twisters
(say “Clit twit” rapidly 400 times); (C)
tongue curls (use six-ounce weights tied to
a tongue depressor); (D) chin bees: (do
a headstand, then pivot on your chin); (E)
Касе scrapes (carpet your living-room
floor with mattress ticking and walk
around on your knees for a few hours each
ng). Put it this way: While your
friends train for triathlons and marathons,

mast

By ASA BABER

PUMPING FUR

you're getting in shape for a furpump-
ingthon. In your heart of hearts, which
event truly deserves Olympic status?

I like pumping fur. bul I'm never sure
what rhythms I'm supposed to follow or how
long I should do it.

There is a lot of confusion here. Dif-
ferent men have different answers, but on
the basis of intensive interviews with 8478
women, | suggest the headphones ap-
proach. Tape the following in their en-
lirety and in this order: Ravel's Bolero, the
Spike Jones version of The Flight of the
Bumble Bee, Mozart’s Requiem and Bee-
thoven’s Ninth Symphony (fourth move-
ment only). The next
to pump fur, put on your headphones,
start the tape and go to work. The tape
will give you some sense of the momen-
tum, pace and duration practiced by the
most successful fur pumpers. After a

while, of course, you'll be able to take off

the headphones and work from memory.

My lover claims that she doesn't like fur
pumping. How can 1 persuade her to let me
have the taste treat I'm yearning for?

You might throw some statistics at her.
example, did you know that the Na-
tional Fur Pumping Institute has reported
that men who pump fur for at least 20
minutes four times a week are far less like-
ly than other men to have heart attacks or
strokes? “It's fun; it’s exciting; it's aero-
bic," you should tell her. “Don't you want

me to live forever?”

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but Pm not
sure I like pumping fur. Does that make me
less of a man?

If you're looking for liberal sympathy
here, forget it. Yes, if you don’t like it, you
are probably a latent transsexual who pos-
sesses Communist and atheistic tenden-
cies. Any way you cut it, real men do
pump fur. But before you despair too
deeply, have I mentioned that fur pump-
ing is an acquired taste? Remember your
first beer? Oh, sure, you pretended to like
it, and once you got a buzz on, you loved
it. But remember those first few seconds,
when it tickled your nose and tasted too
salty and smelled unfa ? You get the
analogy? All fur pumping takes is a little
practice, compadre, Familiarity breeds con-
tentment.

1 can't stop pumping fur. Its all I ever
want lo do. Do 1 have a problem?

Any addiction is a problem, and there
arc a lot of women out there who will take
advantage of your helplessness and usc
you ruthlessly if you don't go for help. Fur
Pumpers Anonymous is an organization
that provide support and advice as
you wrestle with your jones. Be honest; be
blunt; admit that you're negotiating with
your face too many hours a day, and heal-

1 told my pastor recently about my love of
pumping fur. He said it was a tasteless and
subversive act and he was ashamed of me.
Help!

It's anything but tasteless, right? And if
it's subversive, does that mean nobody in
the FBI does it? Ask your pastor why he
goes to the dentist every week for a hair-
cut. He'll shut up.

Sometimes when I'm pumping fur, my wife
calls me by other men's names. So far, she's
called me Arthur, Barry, Jonathan, Tom,
Gary, John, Peter, Walter, Steve, Jim, Reg
and David, but my name is Mortimer. What
should I do?

First, pay no attention to the [act that
she's naming most of the editors on our
Playboy masthead. I'm sure that's just а
coincidence. Second, change your name.
Third, if she ever calls you Asa, remember
that it’s a Biblical name, as common as
clay in soap operas and the book of Kings.
And finally, please fix the headboard of
your bed so it doesn’t squeak so much, and
don't forget to feed the cats before you go
to work.

OK, men, let's get pumping!

The game of kings...
now awork of art

Finely sculptured playing pieces
of 22kt gold and silver on bronze.

Specially designed board of genuine
leather and solid cherrywood.

The Excalibur Backgammon Set is a work of art as
dramatic as the 5000-year-old game itself. Timeless as
the magnificently decorated sets—now in museums
—that were once the proud possessions of royalt

The ultimate ¡on of imaginative design
and artistic creativity, this splendid backgammon set

takes its name from the enduring legend of King
Arthur and his gallant Knights of the Round Table

Crafted to the highest standards of quality. Each
of the thirty playing pieces is a beautifully sculptured
relief medal portraying an immortal character from
the golden age of Camelot. King Arthur himself...
een Guinevere. .. Merlin... Lancelot... Galahad —
magical names, every on
These playing pieces are crafted in 22 karat
gold electroplate on solid bronze and in pure .999 fine
silver plate on bronze. Each one is a work of precision
and artistry.
Richly decorated backgammon board. The im-
ported backgammon board, too, has been custom-
designed for this set. Created with all the care
traditionally lavished on the most elegant furniture, its

The Excalibur Backgammon Set

frame is solid cherrywood and its surface is

lcather — elaborately embellished with symbols of me
dieval heraldry. In addition, there are two compart-
mentalized drawers for storage of the playing pieces
two leather-cased dicing cups...two pairs of dice
and an oversized doubling cube.

You will receive two minted playing
every other month. But you will be billed for only one
at a time— just $ 0 per month. The board and ac-
cessories are provided as part of the set.

pieces

To play and display with immense pride. Here is
an opportunity to own a backgammon set like no
other. A work certain to fascinate anyone w ho appreci-
ates the truly distinctive and unique.

To acquire it, return the accompar

ing appli-
1 by April 30, 1988.

LER THAN ACTUAL SIZE OF APPROXIMATELY 26°" X 14%" x 37A".

SUBSCRIPTION APPLICATION

Exclusively from The Franklin Mint.
Please mail by April 30, 1988.

Limit: One set per subscriber.
The Franklin Mint

Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091

Please enter my order for The E.
ing pieces in 22 karat gold el

calibur Backgammon Set, consi
lid bronze and fi
solid bronze, plus a specially de
board, two dicing cups, two pairs of dice
I need send no money now. I will receive two playa
but will be billed for just one at a time—$22.30* р
of my first shipment

ing o!
troplate on en in pure

igned bı
pieces every other month,
beginning in advance

nare sales tax and
handling

Signature

Mr./Mis./ Miss

85041 - 118

38

WOMEN

А: I the only person on earth who
doesn't love Marilyn Monroe? I
know I'm supposed to, because she's dead
and was beautiful and tragic. But she was
the embodiment (sorry) of everything I
hate about how men regard women.

In every movie, she played a lame-brain.
Men constantly slavered in her presence,
but she never noticed, because she was too
busy playing paddle ball and jiggling h
breasts or thinking someone was a woman
when he was actually а man with a giant
hard-on, She was fresh, she was dewy and
she was completely, utterly unconscious.
Here is the message she sent to men: “If
you play your cards right, you could trick
me into fucking you.”

And so men tried. They dissembled, they
leered, they smirked sweatily and elbowed
one another in the ribs, And Marilyn never
noticed; she writhed around, helpless, like a
doc caught in the glare of headlights. I hate
seeing this.

I hate knowing men act like this. This

isn’t about sexuality; this is humiliation,
belittlement, and can eventually lead to har-
assment of women.
There is a Texas saying “The trouble
ith women that they have all the
pussy." And don't we know it. We just don't
know what the hell to do about it. If we
show we know we have this pussy between
our legs, then we are sluts, we are unnatu-
ral we are not real women who must be
modest about such things. That was the
thing about Marilyn in movies—here was
this gorgeous, luscious broad who acted
like she didn't know she had a pussy.

We have all, through the years. pretend-
ed an obliviousness to our sexuality as pro-
tection, since this is where we are tragically
vulnerable, Men are bigger and stronger
than we are, and if we act like we know
about sex and like it, we're asking for rape.

Whereas men are proud of their dicks
and will talk about them for hours if given
the slightest encouragement. Watch a male
comedian in a club, and nine times out of
ten, he will talk lovingly of his dick and
probably fondle it, too. Do you remember
in the film 48 HRS. when Eddie Murphy
talked about how he'd been in prison so
long his dick got hard in a light breeze? Do
you remember the movie where Whoopi
Goldberg said, “1 haven't been laid in so
long that when I sec a guy, I just slide
across the room"? Of course you don't. It
never happened.

Because women are treated as prey. To

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

WHYIHATE
MARILYN

be treated as prey is to be treated as an ani-
mal, dumber and less valuable than the
predator.

From the viewpoint of many men, there.
are two stages in a woman’ life: prey and
invisible. Alter a certain age, when men
don't want to fuck you anymore, they don't
see you at all.

1 am somewhere between the two and it
is an interesting perspective.

For years, I have had to fend off lines
from men like “What are you afraid of?
or "What's the matter with you; are you
uptight?” or even the ever-popular “Just
relax, will ya?”

This has always infuriated me, because
it is insulting to my intelligence to be
manipulated in this way, so Га say things
like “No, I'm not afraid of you, I just have
no interest in sleeping with you.” This gave
me the reputation as a ball-buster, a cas-
trating bitch. So then Га respond to ma-
nipulation with more manipulation:
“You're a lovely fellow, but Pm in love with
Rodney. Do you know him? Hes a
linebacker for the Bears.”

Now that I am getting slightly long in
the tooth, it’s almost worse. Now I have to
wait 15 minutes to pay for the milk in my
deli, because there's a young blonde with
big tits in the store, and the counter guys
just don't notice me standing there, even
though they're looking straight at me.

This predator-prey mind-set has many
creepy ramifications. I was recently at a
night club and asked my friend Wendell if
he'd seen Clair. “You know her," I said.
“She's tall, funny, a jewelry designe

“Oh,” he said, “you mean the g
the big ass and the fat legs?”

Now, I know that men are a supremely
visual species and care inordinately about
such things as the length of a neck and the
width of a hip, but I wasn’t asking Wendell
if he wanted to fuck Clair. Yet to him, and
t0 many men, Clair is defined only by her
quotient of sexual attractiveness, She is the
girl with the big ass, not the girl who has
some interesting ideas about ncoromanti-
cism and who can beat anyone at backgam-
mon. This is belittiement.

Not much further down the line is har-
assment. If a man can convince himself
that we are not whole, separate people with
feelings and ideas and yearnings, as well as
pussies, then he can justify to himself slap-
ping us playfully on the rear as we walk by
in the lunchroom with a plate of stew. And
if that plate of stew slides to the floor, and
we get down on our knees to clean it up,
well, of course he's going to make a coarse
remark, and too bad if we blush and feel
confused and angry.

My steadfast opinion is that sexual har-
assment and belittlement are only su-
perficially a product of men’s feelings of
superiority. Underneath this is fear and.
who knows, possibly hatred. Men who arc
afraid and insecure become bulli
brutes. Men who arc alraid of or
h women will bully them and humi
them sexually, where they are vulne
Instead of expressing his anger at a woman
directly, a man will make adolescent re-
marks about her tits or write a demeaning
sexual fantasy about her.

If we respond to this anger, we are cas-
trating cunts. If we don't respond, we are
cooperating in our own victimization,
What would you have us do?

OK, I dont really hate Marilyn. 1 just
hate the way she colluded with those who
were belittling and objectifying her. In fact,
1 understand her motives all too well. She
wanted love, didn't believe she deserved it
and took what she considered the next best.
thing—lust

So here's who I like: Cher. She's a smart
mouth who will appear almost naked on
television and just dare you to make some-

FORMEN -
FOR THEHAR, “~~

NER MOUSSE GEL HAIR HOLD

For people
who like
tosmoke...

DELUXE

ап
Menthol

{ BENSON & HEDGES

because quality matters.

6 mg "tar 0.6 mg nicotine av. per Cigarette, by FIC method.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette |
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. m

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

would ha
g six-year courtshi
ing а ten-month engagement, my
says she's not ready to get married. She
wants to postpone our wedding one year
The reason she gives is the two-month love
allair I had during our only breakup, and
that was two years ago. She is still haunted
by that and fears that it might happen
again. I wonder if time will heal her
wound, and should I commit another year
to finding out?—D. M., Fort Lauderdale,
Florida.

The answer to your question depends solely
on you. After six years, are you willing to
invest another year in this relationship? Do
you honestly feel that you and your girlfriend
will know each other any better after one
more year? We're not trying to pass judgment,
but your girlfriend's reason for postponing
your wedding makes it sound as though shes
reaching for an excuse to do so. If you saw
another woman during a breakup—more
than two years ago—that should be history by
now. We suspect that there is more holding her
back than meets the eye. She owes it to you—
and to herself—to be totally honest. We sug-
gest that the two of you have a long,
meaningful conversation about the value of
the relationship to each of you—as well as
where it stands and where both of you thank it
may be headed. If shes not ready to commit
herself after six years, you should seriously
think twice before investing another year. Talk
it over—and we hope things work out for the
best.

Heer wenedion real easily if 1 љое good:
looking woman go by, and I masturbate
quite frequently. 1 do it in dillerent places,
such as my bedroom, the bathroom, the
family room while watching TV. I even did
it once in the car while waiting for a friend
to come out of a store, and luckily, Гус
never been caught, 1 y if there
are any negative or harmful effects on my
penis if I masturbate too much.—D. O.,
Boston, Massachusetts.

Aside from the masturbation incident in
the car—which could get you into legal trou-
ble, if nothing else—we think that your mas-
turbatory urges and desires are normal.
There are not likely to be any harmful effects
оп your genitals unless you chafe your penis
fiom excessive activity. And “excessive” is
hard to define for a normal, healthy male.
Once or twice a day—or several times a
week—doesn't seem excessive to us. However,
you might reduce your urges simply by meet-
ing more women and learning how to relate
to them socially, That might lead to even more
interesting problems.

Recently, a group of four of us decided to
play strip poker. We could play poker but
didn't know the rules for the strip aspect.

F never thought ppen to me, but

am wonde

Do you put something back on if you win,
for example? Сап more than one person
lose in а hand? There must be a у
rules. Some suggestions, pleasc.—E. G.,
Bullalo, New York.

There are probably us many variations on
strip poker as your imagination can create,
and the players can negotiate them as they see
fit. Basically, strip poker is played like nor
mal poker; but instead of betting chips and
money, each game's loser must remove a piece
of clothing, Since most people wear five to
seven pieces of clothing when fully dressed,
you may be able to complete ten games before
someone is reduced to his or her birthday
If the game sounds loo tame to you, feel free to
concoct kinkier things that you might imple-
ment once а player has run out of clothing.

MA iong with several friends, mostly female
but some male, I have been involved in
amateur press associations for mi
years. Amateur press associat
creative dubs that trade original art,
fiction and nonfiction through the mail.
Some of our material is frankly crotic and
could be classed as pornographic by people
with excessively tiny minds. It now occurs
tomethat employees ofthe U.S. Postal Serv-
ісе may be among those with such tiny
minds. 1 am therefore writing to sce if you
have any idea where we stand, legally
speaking. This material is not unsolicited,
is not sent to minors and is traded with the
full consent and interest of everyone
involved. What about it? Should we be
looking out for Big Brother? Would switch:
ing to U.PS. (a private business) help?—
МР, Detroit, Michigan

How well do you know your friends? We
know of several cases in recent years in which
Justice Department, Customs and postal

іску of

authorities have placed fake ads in adult
magazines asking to exchange erotica, If the
material you seut violated a local law (from
child-porn statutes to sodomy statutes), you
were busted. Even if you trade only fiction
about normal adult erotica, it may fall into
the wrong hands, so be careful.

Ho frequently should I change the car-
tridge on my turntable?—R. Y., Columbus,
Ohio.

First check the stylus pressure of your cur-
rent cartridge. If И is more than one and a
half grams, you should probably replace that
sonic plow with а newer model that won't tear
up your LPs. Next, calculate how many hours
of zone time youve had. If your current
needle has logged more than 1500 hours, you
should replace il.

А friend who has traveled in the Far East
told me about a sexual experience he had
with an Oriental woman that I originally
found difficult to believe. He related that
during their loveplay and the initial stages
of intercourse, the young woman had gent-
ly inserted into his anal orifice а silken
cord into which she had tied small knots.
At the moment of climax, she removed the
cord one knot at a time. To hear my friend
tell it, it was the most unbelievable feeling
he had ever had. While I must admit that Î
am intrigued, I am still somewhat skeptical
about this. Have you ever heard of this? If
so, are there any words of advice that
would give to someone who might be will-
ing to try i? And if one wanted to try it,
where would one get a silken cord that
would be suitable for this type of activi
and how should it be maintained’—K. J.,
Huntsville, Texas.

The technique goes by several names, from
Seven Knots to Heaven to The Briggs and
Stratton Effect. (Pulling the cord resembles
the act of starting a gas-powered lawn
mower engine) Any cord will do—but bolo
ties are particularly handy.

ч

н... useful are the new autofoc
cras? Have you converted your e
or do you prefer the old ways?—P. М
Fr:

ncisco, California,

We prefer the old way of focusing —it gives
us something to do with our hands during a
shooting. Just kidding We haven't converted
to autofocus, but we have spent a lot of time
playing with the new cameras. For your aver-
аде family portrait, candid household photog-
raphy, they are great. As advertised, they
facilitate spontaneous shooting. There are a
few drawbacks: To focus an А.Е system, you
must center the subject and press the shutter
release. If you want the subject off center, you
press the shutter halfway and it locks the fo-
cus, then you can shift the camera lo one side
or the other, then shoot. This feature makes

PLAYBOY

42

some sports photography rather difficult; by
the time the lens focuses on the subject, the
subject has moved on. The other drawback
involves depth-of-field calculations. Quite of-
ten, when we have focused on a particular
portion of the anatomy, we want to know
what else is in focus at a particular f-stop. On
old-fashioned lenses, you could flip a preview
button or simply look at the gauge on top of
the camera to tell how much in front and
behind the focal plane would be sharp. Many
of Ihe A.F. cameras do not bother with the
scales. You have to set the auloexposure lo
aperture priority lo give you some control. All
in all, the new cameras have a lot going for
them. Check them out.

МА... is the best way to take money on
long wips—traveler’s checks or credit
cards? P., New York, New York.

Take enough cash or travelers. checks to
cover a day or two of hand-to-mouth living
and/or ground transportation. The vest of the
lime, use a credit card. If you plan to spend
$2000 and you convert the cash to travelers
checks, you will pay a one percent, or $20,
fee. (Some banks fargo the fee for their own
customers.) If you take а credit card (Ameri
can Express, Carte Blanche or Diners Club)
to a foreign country, you will still pay a one
percent exchange fee, but only on the amount
of money you actually charge. In addition,
the card will eliminate commissions at foreign
exchanges. The conversion rate is usually
more favorable than that offered when cash-
ing travelers checks.

Iu

man

WM ino years ала ave had à de
amount of sexual experience. The

with whom I have recently fallen in love is
24 and has had an intense amount of sexu-
al experience. The first few times we made

у

love, my vagina was considerably smaller
than his penis. Since then, though, we h
become a perfect fit. His penis is curved
ightly, and there is no problem with the
amount of lubrication I secrete. As soon as
I am aroused, my vagina starts to create
suction, thereby causing a lot of air to be
n and released. There is slight pain
when this happens, but the sound it causes
is, shall E say, rude. We joke about it, say-
ing it’s just love noises coming from
(my vagina), but it sometimes bre:
mood for me, bec: assing It
has never caused any serious problem for
him during our intimate sessions (so he
claims). Air is also released if 1 couch or
sneeze after he has ejaculated inside me.
1 have increased the amount of daily exer-
cise with my pubococcygeus muscle. Ай
seems to enter me while I am clenching
down. It is such an intense suction that it
actually pulls my lover's fingers, tongue or
penis inside me. I have discussed this with
four of my friends, two male and two fe-
male, and found that they also, at one time,
have had this problem. What causes this
suction to occur, and what can I do about
it? Docs it have to do with the size of my
lover's penis? In behalf of my four friends,

ve

my wonderful lover and me, please answe
as soon as possible.—Miss C. L., Miami
Beach, Florida.

The phenomenon you've described is per
fectly normal—and nothing to be concerned
or embarrassed about, The interaction of a
penis and a vagina does resemble that of a
pump, with predictable results. This occur-
rence is commonly referred lo as a “vaginal
fart? Sometimes you have lo approach sex
with a sense of humor We're sure that with
time, you will simply ignore these noises. As
Jor experiencing pam, the two of you might
experiment with different positions, shifts in
weight and even changes of pace in thrusting
to reduce your discomfort.

Having been an avid reader of your
magazine for years, 1 е noticed that
many inquiries have been made to the Ad-
visor regarding both the constitutional
validity and the accuracy of a urinalysis
test. Although Т hive found! your answers
incomplete in some regards, I admire your
efforts to provide your readers with the in-
formation that you have furnished thus far.
Ibe most of these people are look-
ing to you to provide them with a fool-
proof method short of abstinence of beating
such a test, particularly a test for marijua-
na, since that is the most commonly used
narcotic, I have heard of a couple of meth-
ods that Pd like vou to respond to. I have
п told that drin! mall amount of
vincgar daily will prevent marijuana from
showing up юм types of tests. (с.
Emit). I was also told by a registered nurse

jev

be

ng a

that consuming a thimbleful of hydrogen
peroxide cach day would ensure a person
who smokes marijuana moderately of pass-

Is there any validity to
Dl, сап you recom-

W. R., C

ing such a test

these prescriptions? If
mend a sale, effective way?
lumbus, Ohio.

She may be a registered nurse, but this
woman sounds dangerously sadistic. Sorry,
fella, but there is nothing you can eat or drink
that will appreciably accelerate the rate al
which marijuana metabolites (which Emit is
designed to identify) leave the system. The
numerous letters we've received on the subject
indicate that there ave a lot of people out there
chugging noxious liquids in a futile attempt
la negate a positive test result. There are,
however, several guidelines recommended by
NORML that may be helpful, including a
30-day abstention from marijuana for regn-
lar smokers, increasing your liquid intake for
several days before the lest and giving your
urine specimen ona full bladder, and prefer
ably not the first (and most concentrated) mic-
turition of that day. Bul otherwise, save the
hydrogen peroxide for those who would le
blonds,

ау, I've been һеаппа а lot of talk
about the average womans alleged inabili-
ty to achieve orgasm during intercourse. It
seems that due to the poor location of the
clitoris, so far away from the vagina, theres
just no way to stimulate it, short of just

reaching down there and rubbing that lit-
Пе bugger with those dishpan-c:
mitts—right, guys? Wrong, guys.
ly, Whoever created these wonderful bodies
which we take so much pride also had
our partners’ pleasure in mind, for what
did He (She, It) place on our bodics in the
same arca? Hair, you fools! Any woman
will tell you (if you'd bother to ask) that the
clitoris is something to bc handled gently
even tenderly! Fingers, if they're not clean
solt and manicured, might as well be stuck
up your own ass, where they're out of the

Hair, boys! Its there; use it. For
ters, put away your harsh soap. You

s
wouldn't use that stuff on your head, would

vou? Get out your good shampoo and the
best cond n find. Avoid the
ones that use waxes for sheen and look lor a
pH of 45 to 5.5. Check with the local beau-
ty parlor or whoever cuts your hair for
brand names, Work with the stuff un
your hair is nice and soft and healthy.

Next comes the technique. Not a whole
. really. Td think more people
would have thought of it, but I guess there's
no underestimating the average American
male. To start, assume your standard mis-
sionary position; then, once you're insert-
ed, bring your lady’s legs up alongside your
torso. Now, instead of your normal in-and-
out thrusting, try this, For the outstroke,
instead of pulling back away from her, let
your hips slide down toward her ass. This
accomplishes two things: It keeps your
body directly against hers for stimulation
on the instroke and ns your member
Now, оп
the instroke, rock forward and up (use your
feet for leverage), again staying close for
maximum clitoral stimulation and bring-
ing the glans directly into the area where
the ever-elusive G spot is supposed to be.
With a little practice (I'm sure she won't
nind helping), you can limit the motion to
the lower body only, thus increasing your
stamina by expending less energy than
with the traditional in-out movemen
Some other nice side effects are the
creased intimacy of staying face to face
mere inches apart and increased friction
for you. This is definitely one for a rom
tic evening with someone you love.

PS For those with staying problems, you
needn't maintain an erect

lot to

you limi

went

er notice you
aga

All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sportscars to dating
problems, taste and etiquetle—will be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send ай lelters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Hlinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent quenes
vill be presented on these pages each month.

DEAR PLAYMATES

"Tc question for the month

Is marriage
plans?

your future

W think that a person should get married
nc time only, so it is important to do it
right. 1 would really check out a guy thor-
oughly, live with him, know him really
well. I don't be-

licve in divorce.
I want to mar-
ry a guy who is
honest. I want
to be able to
trust him and
fcel secure and
sale. 1 think a
good outlook.
basically up-
beat, and a
good personali
ty arc essential.
So is great sex. If you dont have а good
sexual relationship and a friendship, you'll
have problems along the way. I dont want
to have kids. Г rather adopt a child who is
already here and needs a home.

ef dto Gaio)

REBEKK A ARMSTRONG
SEPTEMBER 1986

Fas now, rm thinking about being a
uccessful actre I'm not thinking about
marriage and I'm not worried about it,

either. T would rather be independent il
live off
one and seule
down. An ac-
tress has to
travel, qo gn

some-

sacrificing a
home life with
someone I
loved and want-
ed to be with. ll
Eventually, Pd "
like to get married and hi nily. Actu-
ally, a family would be the reason to get
married. Right now, my goals are more for
success in my career and independence.
абз on my m

i ee

AVA FABIAN
AUGUST 1986

9$... tor all the regular old reasons. Be-
cause I love him. Because I want to be with

him fo Because 1 want to have babies
with him. Because I want the picket fence
one day, Not
right now, but

onc day. I think
everyone wants
the June and
Ward Cleaver
life, doesn’t she?
But Ward will
be updated, you
know, in Ar-
mani. Ever
since | was
three, Гус been
dreaming about
my wedding dress, my flower girls, my fan-
tasies. You dont sit and dream of dirty
socks or body odor. vou know? I can sec
this happening t0 me within the next ten
years.

үг Uit

INNNE AUSTIN
IULY 1986

can find the right
and would love to have a couple. But first, I
have to get rid of the little kid who lives in-
side me. I'm not
ready for ma
riage yet, | can
tell. Divorce is
too casy and 1
don’t approve of
i. 1 think 1
should take my
time, because
Tm not ready
for the respon-
sibility. 1 want
to give my all
when the time
is right and make a complete commitment
1 want the energy to make a marriage
work, It would be terrible to have kids and
then discover I wasn't in for the long haul.
Then everyone feels trapped.

Eventually Fm young and I have a lot of
time to think Î don't think people
need to be ma
ried to have a
relationship,
but if you plan
on having а
family, it’s i
portant. I want
a family some-
day, but my
goals are very
different now. 1
want to estab-
ish a business
career. I want
to be happy with myself before I marry
anyone. I have а lot of things to try to
achieve before 1 take that big step.

C C

LAURIE CARR
DECEMBER 1986

Was raised with the idea that a woma
should have a mate, because no matter
how wonderful, how intelligent, how every-
thing she is, one бау she would get old and
be alone and
unhappy. 1
thought mar-
riage was a ne

cessity. Now T
think that’s
bull. 1 think
you can be a

older woman
without a hu
band and süll
have a wonder-
ful time. If you
are self-suffi-
cient and love your life, whats the problem?
T think cach person has to decide this, and
if you don't feel mar
happiness, it’s easier to make the right
choice for yoursell

lul toca

CAROL FICATIER
DECEMBER 1985

age is necessary lor

ES SHERRY ARNETT
JANUARY 1986

Send your questions to Dear Playmates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but we'll try.

El

43

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

How to separate the men from the boycotts

"The description, in Reverend Donald.
Wildmon's own words, sounds harmless
enough. “The N.ED. is a Christian or-
ganization promoting the Biblical ethic
of decency in American society, with
primary emphasis on TV and other
media." But make no mistake: The Na-
tional Federation for Decency is a fanat-
ical organization capable of much
pernicious influe

‘The N.ED. is most noted for champi-
oning the Meese commi
pornography. h also figured in the re-
cent decision by the Federal Communi-
cations Commission to broaden the
definition of indecency (The Playboy
Forum, August). It crusades against in-
decency; indecency in magazines, on
television shows, in movies or inside
bubble-gum wrappers. Its leader—
Donald Wildmon. Its weapon—boy-
cot

Wildmon began his odyssey one
evening in December 1976, when, sit-
ting with his wife and four children be-
fore their television set, he scanned the
dial and found "skin scenes," "unbe-
lievable profanity” and violence. He lat-
er wrote: “I made up my mind to try to

able for fami i
. these things were intruding in
my private world.”

In a sermon to his congregation a
short time later, Wildmon urged that
the flock turn off its televisions for one
week to protest the fare. Enough com-
plied to create some media interest—
and to launch Wildmon's media career.
Within seven months, he had resigned
his parish pastorate and created the Na-
tional Federation for Decency.

In 1978, Wildmon began serious con-
demnation of television networks and
those advertisers who promoted their
products on the most “offensive” shows
(at the time, such hits as Charlies Angels
and Threes Company). He particularly
condemned the advertisers: American
Home Products, Ford Motor Company
and Sears, Roebuck and Company. In
cach case, the companics withdrew

mercials from programs Wildmon
disliked—though they denied that
Wildmon had anything to do with their
decisions.

For the spring 1981 television season,
he recruited the Reverend Jerry Falwell
and his Moral Majority, Phyllis
Schlafly and her Eagle Forum and the
American Life Lobby to create a Coali-

By BARRY LYNN

tion for Better Tele: Planning to
boycott the eight most offensive shows,
Wildmon had 4000 people from these
groups monitor the fall line-up.

ABC, however, cut Wildmon off at

r

the pass by announcing the results of its
own survey, which found that only 44
percent of the people who considered
themselves members of the Moral Ma-
jority supported “attempts to influence
programs to conform to their standards
and values.” Another survey—by Ro-
per—found that even people who rated
themselves to be "very high" funda-
mentalists were more likely than not to
have favorable opinions of such steamy
series as Dallas. Although a few timid
corporate executives declared that they
would no longer advertise on certain
shows, the network honchos lambasted
Wildmon for being out of step with
America.

Wildmon went before the cameras
and canceled the boycott even before it
began, declaring that “we are accom-
plishing our goal despite the continuing

rhetoric of the networks.” He denied
that “fear of failure" had led to the
demise of the boycott.

In 1982, he tried another boycott, this
time against all RCA-related compa-
nies, including NBC. RCA/NBC was
condemned for failing to meet with rep-
resentatives of his group, for having
Playboy Playmates on a George Burns
Christmas special, for airing ап! ris-
tian segments on Saturday Night Live
and for having “more leading charac-
ters depicted as homosexual than

^ "What is at stake,” said
ldmon in his statement to the press,
much more than sex and violence on
television. At stake is whether our coun-
try will turn its back on more than 200
years of Judaco-Christian values as the
foundation for law and justice. . . . The
"makc-it-up-as-you-go' value system ad-
vanced by RCA/NBC as a replacement
for Judaco-Chris
chaos and confusion and a detrimental
docuine destructive tu the ищ
race.”

Wildmon called for a boycou of RCA
electronics, Hertz rental cars, СААТ.
Group financial corporation, Coronet
carpets and Gibson Greetings cards (he
withdrew that threat and apologized
two days later, since Gibson was not
owned by RCA). Conditions for ending
the boycott required NBG to eliminate
jokes about illegal drugs, to present pro-

aling with "sex from the
Jhristian perspective,” to with-
draw femininc-hygiene-product ads,
and to not use the word God except in
reference to the Deity. NBC also had to
terminate the stereotyping of business
people “as crooks and con men" and re-
place the offending programs with fare
that promoted “the capitalistic, free-en-
terprisc system as... a way to fulfill
some of the needs God has placed with-
in our hearts.” Wildmon noted that the
effectiveness of the boycott would be
measured by “sales and financial re-
sults.”

NBC did not capitulate, but months
later, Wildmon claimed credit for a de-
dine in RCA's financial picture, even
though its profits rose that ycar by 400
percent.

Although Wildmon objects to an
enormous universe of material, he does
recognize the need for some focus 10
N.F D.s national energies. The year 1987

values is a road to

45

was the year of the Holiday Inn boycott.
Wildmon accused Holiday Inn of pro-
moting pornography through its in-room
adult-movie service. It is irrelevant to
Wildmon that a visiting preacher will not
see one of the films unless he orders it, or
that said preacher can make sure his fami-
ly doesn’t order them by simply having the
service disconnected by a call to the desk.
Wildmon encouraged his followers to
complain by calling the 800 reservation
number of Holiday Inn (a number that he
has published incorrectly on several occa-
sions), to picket and, of course, to boycott.
Robert Brannon, Holiday Inn vice-pres-
ident, said, "We will continue to show the
films. We see no reason why we should not
Obviously, there are some people who dis-
agree with the shows . . . but the [N.FD.]
argument is not with | us; it is with the
American people.”
Wildmon claims that hi:
generated 100,000 letters
calls. Brannon says that the chi
ceived only 19,000, many of which are du-
plicates. He believes that the boycott had
no effect. "We're having "a great year, with

efforts have

both earnings and occupancy up”

‘To support his boycott tactics, Wildmon
is quick to invoke the liberal examples of
civil rights and of lettuce boycotts, ОГ
course, when Martin Luther King, Jr.
took on Montgomery, Alabama, businesses
and Cesar Chavez took on lettuce. they
asked for highly specific boycotts so that
fuller rights would be accorded to deprived
minorities. Wildmon's boycotts, on the oth-
er hand, would deny the opportunity of all
to exercise their constitutional rights as
readers or viewers.

Books and magazines are central to pub-
lic discourse. They are clearly different
from lettuce leaves, which cannot be read,
even by fortunetellers, It makes about as
much sense for Wildmon to picket Joc’s
Market, which carries Playboy, as it does
for the village atheists to band together to
drive a Christian bookstore out of a shop-
ping mall

Nor is it possible ever to satisfy Wildmon
in his quest to eradicate evil. He sees it
everywhere. In 1986, when one conven-
ience-store chain stopped displaying
Playboy on their magazine racks, they lost

their N.F.D. pickets. But they picked them
up again when N.F.D.ers decided to pro-
test Mad and. National Lampoon, because,
according to one picketer, they promote
“rebellion against parental author

Wildmon's NFD Journal repeatedly de-
tails the success that half a dozen phone
calls, or even a single letter, has had in
causing a local company to stop selling a
magazine or other N.E.D.-condemned
product. It is hard to believe that these
merchants had a sudden awakening of
morality, or that they had simply failed to
take a hard look at the product. Invariably,
the reason for curtailing sales was the un-
willingness to put up a fight. Wildmon has
been a catalyst for cowardice, not con-
science. So it will remain until more of us
realize that any society that allows itself to
become homogenized by political pressure
masquerading as moral suasion is one at
risk of losing its direction, if not its national
soul

Barry Lynn is the American Civil Liberties
Unions legislative counsel.

hy Reverend Wildmon wants to
ban what you watch, hear and play

AAA BIE AAA IA AI LLL LLL LL LLL LEL LELE LLL

The Reverend Donald Wildmon is the
quintessential advocate of the “If it affects
anyone, ban it for everyone" school of regu-
lation. The National Federation for Decen-
cy criticized the USA network for airing
Friday the 13th: Part III, because an 11-
year-old in Madison, Wisconsin, hanged
himself, allegedly trying to duplicate a
stunt in the film. Similarly, the МЕР.
blamed the producers of Rambo, because
Anthony James Jenkins went on a sniping
spree in Mississippi shortly afier he saw
the film. Wildmon regularly blames the
game Dungeons and Dragons for assorted
teenage murders and reports on every sui-
cide of heavy-metal fans who might have
been influenced by AC/DC or Ozzy Os-
bourne songs.

There is no question that messages in
films, TV and even games can occasional-
ly contribute to terrible acts; the question is
whether a free society should prevent their
dissemination based on a possible effect on
the most impressionable viewer. First, it is
nearly impossible to anticipate what will
set someone off. The behavior of onc
British mass murderer who killed women
and drank their blood through straws was
reportedly “triggered” by his attendance
at Anglican High Mass. Second, суеп news
coverage would be affected if Wildmon had
his way. In Japan, the 1986 suicide of a pop
singer led to at least a dozen apparent
copycat suicides by teenagers.

Surely, news organizations cannot be

held liable for reporting the truth. In fact,
Wildmon should know that courts have
consistently rejected imposing legal sanc-
tions on publishers and broadcasters for
the unintended effects of their published or
broadcasted material.

Wildmon has also adopted a peculiarly
simplistic understanding of social psychol-
ogy. For example, he accepts the claims of
child molesters and rapists that pornogra-
phy led them to their crimes. One would
think he would recognize the frequently
self-serving nature of such claims. Pornog-
raphy sounds a bit more contemporary
than claiming that comic books made you
a criminal and a bit more inherently rea-
sonable than maintaining that the Devil
made you do it.

Wildmon is also a big fan of mentioning
that pornography is found in the homes of
many sex offenders, as if that demonstrated
some causal link between rape and read-
ing. Surely, he would not attribute the same
link to the presence of milk in the refrigera-
tor or attendance at church as a child.
Criminals who are obsessed with sex or vi-
olence are expected to be attracted to the
depiction of the same things. That is a far
cry from demonstrating that, but for
pornography, these same people would
have been Sunday school teachers.

Wildmon has some additional analytic
quirks. In his NFD Journal, he regularly
reports on violence, but only of a certain
kind. He discusses violence only when he

can make one of his fatuous arguments
linking its occurrence to its representation
in the media. Indeed, Wildmon has no ap-
parent interest in "structural" violence. He
has published scathing criticism of such
programs as The Day Afler and NBC Re-
ports for being "propaganda" for disarma-
ment and anti-gun lobbyists. Nobody who
looks at the data objectively can possibly
conclude that Rambo has been responsible
for a greater number of fatalities than have
handguns left lying around in people's
homes. One might not wish to restrict ei-
ther, but ckarly, restricüng the latter
would have a more direct effect on actual
violence.

Wildmon has his own skewed vision of
“sexual exploitation.” The man who had
his followers count the number of times
women's breasts jiggled in an cpisode of
Charlies Angels in order to condemn the
show views the Miss Universe pageant as
“wholesome” and says that it is one of his
children’s “favorite shows.” Wildmon ex-
plained that “we never counted [pageants]
as jiggle television,” because cameras don't
“zoom in on women's breasts.” Wildmon's
endorsement of the pageant stressed the
competitiveness of the event and its demon-
stration of the contestants’ ability to
answer questions under pressure.

Clearly, Wildmon is not a reasonable
man, but reasonable or not, he remains a
force to be reckoned with by rcasonable
people. BARRY LYNN

“The Reverend Donald Wildmon
is a man obsessed and his obses-
sion does not discriminate; it cuts
across all forms of entertainment:
rock ‘n’ roll, comic books, mag-
azines, television shows, movies
and bubble-gum cards.

The vehicle for venting his ob-
session is the NFD Journal—w!
provides very strange reading,
deed. The Journal is absolutely hu-
morless; everything leads to sex and
violence or, at the very least, to the
fall of Wildmon's fantastical vision
of America. In the world according to
the Journal, sitcoms cause suicide,
movies cause murder, the media cause
mayhem. The Journal loves tabloid
headlines such as these: “HORROR MOVIE
FAN ATTACKS MOTHER,” "CBS CALLS CHIL-
DREN GARBAGE,” “MAN LI TO ROCK MU-

ЕВ” "TEENAGER IMITATES
X OFFENDER SAYS PORN
FUELED FLAME.”

"The stories behind the headlines are
no less lurid:

“PURINA, WARNER-LAMBERT ADS SUPPORT
PERVERTED SEX AS CHILDRENS BEDTIME.
STORIES.”

“[One] episode of ABCs FULL
HOUSE included a scene in which wid-
ower Danny, comedian Joey and Uncle
Jesse join forces to tell a bedtime sto-
ry to Danny's little girls (about six
and ten). As the story grows, the men
have Cinderella marry Bullwinkle the
Moose. Then the Big Bad Wolf appears.

“Uncle Jesse continues: “They all fell
in оме... They moved to Sweden
where people are a lot more cool about
that sort of thing.’ A long, loud laugh-
track tells the viewer how funny it is to
tell children bedtime stories with im-
plied bestiality.”

.
“TV INFLUENCES WOMAN TO KILL MONTH
OLD BABY.”

“A Green Bay, Wisconsin, woman re-
cently told authorities that she killed her
baby daughter afier being influenced by
a television miniseries on the existence
of evil featuring actress Shirley
MacLaine. The woman was charged
with first-degree murder in connection
with the stabbing death of her ten-
month-old baby daughter.

“The woman, who had a history of
psychological problems, admitted to
stabbing her daughter ten to 15 times.
She said she started thinking about
killing her daughter after watching
OUT ON A LIMB based on
MacLaine's book of the same title.”

.
“Атат. NISSAN PUSH ILLICIT SEX ON NEC
SLEAZE SERIES.”

"LA LAW continues its crawl
through the gutter with [an] episode
which focused again on the il
licit sexual liaisons among the attorneys
‘on the show, discussions of how to have
sex without getting AIDS, a graphic
courtroom description of a rape, and
lots of profanity.”

"NBC SERIES DEPICTS CHRISTIANITY AS
CRUTCH FOR DEPRAVED MURDERESS.””

"NBC's miniseries THE NUT-
CRACKER presents religion аз а
crutch for the mentally ill and focuses
оп explicit family violence. The main
character is a woman with a twisted
mind who plots the murder of her own
father. She makes her sons steal Irom
their grandfather, and eventually forces
one of them to shoot him to death.

“A grandiose scene in the middle of
this six-hour garbage heap depicts the
baptism (in church) of the mad woman
and her young daughter. The show's
creative minds . . . thus weave the
Christian faith into the lifestyle fabric of
а self-centered, mad murderess."

E
“PRO-LIFE PRIEST DOWNED IN МВСУ NEW SE-
ALAMOS,”

ade of NBC's. BRONX
ng Ed Asner,

hour sermon. promotin
public schools. The show portrayed
those who oppose school sex
narrow-minded, uncaring, se
troublemakers. No sense of balance was
to be found.”

б
“MCDONALD'S ADS ON
FRAUDULENT CH

“The CBS . . MISSING
CHILDREN: A MOTHER'S STORY,
had all the makings for a tender and
sensitive drama—but they chose in-
stead to make the villain a “Christian
woman selling other women's children
Other objectionable elements included a
man abusing his wife physically and
consistently cursing her and his young
children, a croaked judge and a crooked
welfare worker.”

свз MOVIE WITH

“MOVIE INFLU a
Moments before the wom:

broke down and told Miami police
that she beat her father to death,
she began a rambling tell [sic] of
her life, her love of murder myster-
ies and her favorite Alfred Hitch-
cock show.

“Recounting the television
episode from memory, she told de-
tectives how a woman beat her
husband to death with a frozen
roast, then defrosted the meat, їп-
vited her husband's friends over for

dinner and watched gleefully as they
unknowingly swallowed thc murder
weapon.”

.
"ABC MOVIE ON CRACK HAS
CLERGYMAN’

“The ABC movie CRACKED UP. .
did a credible job of showing how quick-
ly crack, а form of cocaine, can take
control of ones life and how quickly it
can quite literally take one's life. . . .

“The Christian minister, however, is
portrayed as a rather weak character—
insensitive and imperceptive as a father,
humanistic and man-centered as a the-

WEAK

er—wimpy acting, soft v
brained and above all. fond of hearing
grandiose phrases pour forth from his
own lips.”

.

Enough of these bloodcurdling sto-
ries, Let’s see what kind of man reads
the NFD Journal:

“PASTOR EXPRESSES THANKS.”

"Thank you so much for the NFD
Journal, and for spearheading ellorts in
the Christian commui to deal with
the proliferation of violence, perverted
sexuality and anti-Christian stereotyp-
ing in the media.”

.
“MOTHER APPALLED AT SPORTS ILLUSTRATED:
ISSUE."

“Just last week my 13-year-old son re-
ceived his first issue of Sports Illustrated.
It was their annual swimsuit edition, I
had no idea they published this type of
thing once a year, and I was appalled at
some of the photographs of girls wear-
ing scanty swimsuits and modeling
very suggestive poses. | was so angry
that I wrote the editor a letter that night
voicing my disapproval.

‘Thank you for making the public
aware of what pornography is doing to
our nation. . ..”

.
""COSMOPOLITAN' FULFILLS DEFINITION OF
PORNOGRAPHIC.”

Recently (concluded on page 50)

47

R E

МО SYMPATHY FOR JAMESON

John ‚Jameson cannot compare
his incarceration in Peru to the
situation of American citizens in
Grenada or Lebanon ("Ronald
Reagan, Where Were You When
І Needed You?” The Playboy Fo-
rum, January). Jameson was ac-
cused of violating the laws of
another country. It is unrealistic
for bim to expect the United
States Government to interfere
with the ci procedures of
foreign countries.

Jon K. Evans, Ph.D.
Sherman Oaks, California

Jameson replies:

Т agree that an American citizen
should not expect the US. Govern-
ment to interfere with the judicial
systems of foreign countries. How-
ever, Americans should be able to
expect the State Department to deal
honestly with the families of Ameri-
can tourists who have been de-
tained in another country. In our
case, the State Departments Citi-
zens Emergency Center conveyed
grossly inaccurate and incomplete
information to our relatives. In ad-
dition, the American consul delib-
erately did not send the cable we
had writwn to our families to reas-
sure them about our safety The
U.S. Government did nothing to re-
lieve and seemingly everything to
exacerbate our families’ anxieties.

PATENTLY MISTAKEN,

You misrepresented the MR
Media Watch in “Truth, Beauty
& The New York Times” (The
Playboy Forum, January). You
claimed that we singled out the
Charlie ad that pictured a wom-
an patting a mans derriére as
“one of the worst" ads of 1987. In
fact, it was not Charlie that was

E R

entific Study of Sex. Das

vance docs that h

comparison with the
come from research on human sexuality."

FOR THE RECORD

A HORNY PROBLEV

Clive M. Davis wants us to get our priorities

sychology at Syracuse

ad а member of the Society for the Sci-

feels that sex research is

maligned as a science and ignored by grant-giving

Government agencies:
“Most inti

terpersonal relationships are
sexual relationships. "The more we understand about
sexuality and the more we can educate members of
our society, the better able they will be to cope with
personal relationships. The Government funds re-
search on toads in South America, but what rele-
ve to improving the human
condition? Pm not knocking research on toads and
I'm not saying it shouldn't be done, but there is no
inds of application that сап

ofa criminal using a tov gun vio-
late people's sense of truth in ad-
vertising? Should we take the
position that only real guns
should be used in crime?

My sugges s that there be
no distinction between a real gun
anda toy gun if either is used in à
threatening manner.

H. Williams
Evanston, Illinois

UNRELIABLE AIDS TESTS
A recently released study by
Congress’ Office of Technology
Assessment highlighted the fact
that the results of AIDS tests are
not very accurate. Ninety percent
of the people at low risk for the
AIDS virus who test po e do
not, in fact, have the virus. (Peo-
ple at low risk are people who do
not use LV. drugs or have sex
with gay or bisexual men.) Being
diagnosed as having AIDS is, ob-
viously, extremely traumati
and an unnecessary trauma for
those who are misdiagnosed.
On the other hand, ten percent
of the people at high risk for the
AIDS virus who test negative do,
in fact, have AIDS. We can only
sume that those people will
to practice their high-
behavior.
T. May
Washington, D.C

ONLY IN TEXAS
Odd but truc—Texas has a
dildo law, according to which a
person

cannot sell “obscene
devices,” including dilde
tificial vaginas or anything else
designed or marketed as useful
primarily for the stimulation of
human genital organ.

Kenneth Alan Yorko, in Harris
County, was found guilty of po

ar-

singled out, it was MS. Magazine
“the worst hypocrisy in advertising
sales” for carrying the Charlie ad. Appar-
ently, feminists think that only women
can administer an admiring pat.

Fredric Hayward, Director

Men's Rights, Inc.
cramento, California

ONE MORE TIME
Let me offer one more response to the
animal-rights letters you have published
recently, Those of you who fecl that it is
immoral to cause animals pain in order

Id note that there's
really no conclusive evidence that plants
dont feel pain. | suggest that animal
rightists give up cating altogether.

Mitch Patenaude
Livermore, California

to feed yourself sh

GUNSLINGING SOLUTION

Burbank, Santa Monica and Los An-
geles, California, have banned the sale of
realistic-looking toy guns and theres a
movement afoot to get their sale banned
nationwide, I don't get it. Does the idea

session with intent to sell a dildo.
given three days in jail and fined
ppealed his case and ultimate-
ly lost the appeal, but not before three of
the nine appellate court judges had some
interesting things to say about the dildo
law.

Judge Sam Houston Clinton argued
that when the Supreme Court recognized
the right of access to abortions (Roe vs.
Wade) and to contraceptives (Сату vs.
Population Services International), it was
acknowledging the right to indulge in se3

activity, which naturally i

Р О

М S E

“the stimulation of human genital or-
gans" The law doesn't tell us how that
stimulation must be accomplished, and so
“it is sufficient that there is a const
tional right to personal privacy broad
enough to encompass a person's decision
ate consensual sexual
activity in any manner or means not pro-
scribed by law:

The second dissenting judge, Judge
Teague, said, “We have come too far in
the study of human sexual behav-
jor... and have learned too much fror
the scientific research compiled . . . to
turn the clock back to more unenlight-
ened times." He argued that it is common
knowledge that sexual aids can be helpful
in curing sexual problems, and he found
the Texas statutes to be unconstitutional
He concluded that the ‘Texas legislature
couldn't justify the law “on the basis of
the health, safety, morals or general wel-
fare of the public.

The last dissenting judge, Judge Miller,
refused to dignify the issue with a full
opinion and took a disdainful swipe at
the six affirming justices on the court by
quoting U.S. Supreme Court Justice
William Brennan on an unrelated situa-
tion:

“Although there is a remate possibility
that a given state court will be the first to
discover al 1 issue and
to order redress if the issue is properly
raised, it is far more likely that the court
will fail to appreciate the claim and reject
it out of hand.”

Clearly, this is what happened in Tex-
as. The dildo law still stands.

B. Chambers
Houston, Texas

INFLATED DRUGS

Аз we all know, Judge Douglas Gins-
burg withdrew his name from consider-
ation for the Supreme Court after he
admitted that he had once used marijua-
na "as a college student in the Sixties,
and then on a few occasions in the Seven-
tics" What you might not know is that
two months before the Ginsburg contro-
versy, the New York County Lawyers?
Association concluded that cocaine and
heroin should be decriminalized

‘The association noted that the US.
Government “hasn't established its anti-
drug policies based on the proven harm-
ful effects of drugs.” Furthermore, our
present drug laws increase the price of
illegal drugs. Thus, decriminalizing them
would lower their price and reduce the
number of crimes that are committed by

to engage in pri

Jerse

people trying to support their expensive
habits. Incidentally, about 40 percent of
all property crimes are committed by
drug users who need money for drugs,
and about ten billion dollars is spent on
drug enforcement

J Henry
umbus, Ohio

YOU NEVER KNOW

An interoflice memo issued by a New
state agency recommends that
some drug-addicted convicts who violate

Entrapment is a controversial practice,
one that not even many policemen defend.
Unfortunately, the police sometimes over-
look why and how someone committed a
crime if an arrest makes them look more
efficient and effective. Some recent cocaine
busts in Florida were a direct result of
entrapment by a private citizen. The news
story, as reported in the St. Petersburg
Times бу Pat Meisol, presents a chilling
portrait of one such “confidential infor-
таш" and his work as a front-line soldier
in the so-called war on drugs.

“Morse Seymour said he singled out
the young woman as a likely source of
cocaine from among the late-night
crowd at the restaurant because she was
wearing jeans, boots and gold.

“Over coffee, he introduced himself
as a professional photographer, showed
her his collection of 3" x 5" color photos
of nude and scantily clad women and
asked her to mndel for him.

"In the next few days, Seymour
called 23-year-old Bela Archarya re-
peatedly. They talked of the money in
modeling, living together and cocaine:
Could she get him some? Preferably two
ounces?

“Like other Seymour models, Ar-
charya’s career was short-lived. Instead
of adorning the cover of some magazine,
she wound up in jail, accused of selling
Seymour $3000 worth of cocaine.

“You bitch, you've been had, Sey-
mour said he yelled just after turning
her in to undercover vicc detectives and
collecting his $350 commission.”

Seymour is 30 years old and hasn't
held a steady job in years. However, he
was able to carn $10,000 in 18 months
from the Pinellas County Sheriff's De-
partment—by getting nearly 200 young

their probation by returning to LV drugs
be required to write a 250-word essay “on
the relationship between AIDS and LV.
drug use.” Anyone think this will do any
good?

M. Lancaster
Trenton, New Jersey

CHARITY ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
TV preachers are getting a harder look
from Congress and the Internal Rever
Service. Whether or not the Bakkers used
the money raised for Kevin's House for

women to buy him cocaine.

Unfortunately for Seymour, Ar-
charya, unlike his other dupes, hired a
lawyer who is aggressively pursuing the
question of Seymour's “outrageous be-
havior.” Archarya’s attorney has asked
the judge to dismiss the charges against
her because of entrapment and police
misconduct.

The sheriff's detectives defend Sey-

mour: “It's not unusual for investigators
or detectives to use some sort of pre-
tense or fictitious background, a story
to go along with covert activity,” says
опе.
Although the police deny knowing
about Seymour's sexual activities, they
admit that “at times, he did act inde-
pendently.” We'd say so.

His bag of tricks contained one not
seen on Miami Vice. One woman testi-
fied that while driving Seymour to a
restaurant, “I looked over and he was
rnasturbating, so I started kicking him
and that's the last I've seen of him.” She
was later charged with selling cocaine to
an undercover cop, Seymour's “cousin.”

Seymour does his undercover work
for the excitement and the money and
maintains that there's “no harm done.”

Tell that to the 200 women he conned.

The St. Petersburg Times story embar-
rassed the Pinellas County Sheriff's De-
partment. Officials insisted they never
authorized such practices—though they
apparently didn't mind making the ar
rests. On publication of Archarya' story,
many more women came forward with
tales of close encounters of the Seymour
kind. At last report, although the Sheriff s
Department says he was fired, Seymour
was back trolling the shopping malls for
more model material.

49

the house and whether or not Jerry Falwell
used money raised from political contribu-
tions for other purposes are questions to
which I'd like to know the answers. But
I'm far more concerned about how Pat
Robertson is using money donated for
charitable purposes through the Christian
Broadcasting Network. The IRS is investi-
gating him now and is finding that he has
used tax-exempt money received from
CBN to help elect some of his supporters as
G.O.P. convention delegates. Using cha
table contributions to buy yourself an air-
conditioned dog house is sleazy; using
charitable contributions to buy an election
is scary.

R. Rosen
New York, New York

The Playboy Forum editorials on
Shere Hites book Women and Love,
“A Cultural Revolution in Progress”
(February), correctly note a new trend
in male bashing by the publishing in-
dustry. The trend is easy to chart
popular press as well, Women consti-
tute 90 percent of the “Lifestyle” editors
of newspapers. Indeed, such depart-
ments used to be called the “Women's”
section. It is here that women purport-
edly turn to get front-line reports on the
relationships between the sexes. In
these pages, the only good man is one
who asks a woman to marry him.

For ycars, women reporters have
written about male sexism. Increasing-
ly, though, such reports have been laced
with gencral complaints about males.
As the denigration of females by males

is to rout an
у, “Chauvinist!”),
n of males by females be-
came de rigueur.

The Washington Post Magazine ran а
cover story "When Time Runs Out,”
subtitled “What a Woman Does When
She's 38, Not Married, Crazy to Have a
Baby and Her Biological Clock Strikes
Midnight" What a woman does is
whine. One woman quoted in the article
complained, “[Men] avoid us like dis-
case.” Another suggested that in Wash-
ington, “the men are aggressive,
successful professionals, but as people,
they are very lacking."

"The article was written by a woman,
featured women and depicted women as
caring, mature and responsible. It at-
tributed their relationship woes to male
inadequacy. Can you imagine what
would happen if a male tried to pub-
lish views even remotely as critical of
females?

The Sunday Los Angeles Times ran an
article by a woman titled “Census

WILDMON

(continued from paged7)

1 discovered that such popular household
magazines as Cosmopolitan are filled with
material designed to stimulate sexual
arousal. Articles and letters include great
sex experiences and 'superorgasms."

“Helpful instructive material on sexual

problems or on how to improve your sex

life can be good but the line has been

crossed into the realm of pornography.
“Beware, young single people, parents
and families, of these rotten seeds of im-

SEXISM

Study Tells Where the Men Are.” The
article begins, "Los Angeles women
who have noticed a dearth of
eligible single men are not imagining
things.” The suggestion that there is a
shortage of males helps single females
believe that their lack of a mate is not
due to any shortcomings of theirs. And
yet, I winnowed the following cyc-open-
ing facts from the article: The total
number of single men and single women
in the United States between the ages of
16 and 64 is about equal. In every city
analyzed, women under 25 enjoyed a
surplus of men.

Psychology Today had as its cover sto-
ry “The New ‘Other Woman’ "—a fe-
male-authored article on the supposedly
increasing number of affairs between
married men and single women. Among
the reasons offered for these affairs—a
shortage of men. Demographics, appar-
ently, make a handy excuse for female
behavior.

A Newsweek article called “The
riage Crunch” had nine female contrib-
utors and one male contributor. It
mentioned an unpublished study that
“confirmed what everybody suspected
all along: that many women who seem
to have it all—good looks and good
jobs, advanced degrees and high
salaries— will never have mates.” (Ac-
tually, the study made no mention cf the
looks of unmarried women and did not
specifically cite the category of women
with advanced degrees, but never mind.
Newsweek was aiming at its image of the
kind of woman who reads Newsweek.)

morality that may be
your home, office or life!
.

cleverly planted in

So, lets see. What's the perfect world for
Wildmon and his minions? One minus Lit-
tle Red Ridinghood, Bullwinkle the Moose,
Cinderella, Shirley MacLaine,
rock ‘n roll, Cosmopolitan, wi
ters, Sports Hlustrated, NBC,
sitcoms and movies in general, McDon-
ald’s, AT&T, Sweden, Nissan, Purina. . . .
Well, the list goes on and on.

Suffice it to say that the N.F.D.ers should
turn off their radios and TVs and just sit
tight and subscribe to the Journal. ИЗ the
only safe reading they'll ever need

Newsweek said the study was “а slap in
the face to this generation's best and
brightest women.” Supposedly, two out
of ten women with college degrees will
not marry. We do not know whether
those two are the best or the brightest,
but here's what one of the women quot-
ed in the article said: “When you look at
men who don't marry, you're often look-
ing at the bottom of the barrel. When you
look at the women whodon't marry, you're.
looking at the cream of the crop." Isn't it
just as likely that the unmarried mem-
bers of either sex are career junkies with
the looks of a toad and the social skills of
an accountant? Not in this fairy talc.

A column in The Atlanta Constitution
repeats the refrain: "It is much harder
to match a woman who has it all than
onc who doesn't. Men are afraid of
highly motivated, professional women.”
All men? Some men?

I'm glad that women have attained
cnough power to be in a position to
make powerful mistakes. Guys have not
always performed mistake-free all these
years, so the ladies should be permitted
a gaffe or two. But reverse sexism is
bad. It deepens mistrust between many
females and many males, and the world
has enough us’s and thems already.

1 know why reverse sexism

them feel a sense of community with one
another and helps them feel better about
themselves. Second, its growth has not
been checked by protests from vocal anti-
sexists. Perhaps we can use our relatively
recently honed capabilities for identifying
and attacking sexism in order to identify
and attack reverse sexism. Then we hu-
mans Can return to our competitions with
a little more fairness, a little more intelli-
gence and a little more humanity.

— ANDREW S. RYAN. JR. PH D.

N E W S FRONT

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

JUST SAY
"ACHOO" TO DRUGS

Los LrS— There's good news in the

air in California. The Asthma and Aller
gy Foundation of America sampled air-
borne pollen drifting past its L.A. office

and inexplicably found that 40 percent of
the weed pollen was marijuana. And
Californians thought smog was making
them lightheaded and breathless.

MILE—YOURE BUSTED
WALLED LAKE, MICHIGAN—Christopher
Aaron wins the Poor Judgment and Bad
Luck Award for having his picture taken
in front of a large pot plant growing m
his back yard. An employee at the process-
ing company where he look his film recog-
nized the plant as marijuana and called
the police. Aaron has been charged with
manufacturing а controlled substance.

SURPRISED?

WASHINGTON, DC —A Justice Depart-
ment survey finds that most Americans
think thai the laws and the courts are too
easy on criminals. The study, based on
interviews with 2000 people, shows that
94 percent of those interviewed said that
rapists should be sent to prison and sug-
gested an average prison time of 15 years.
Rapists now serve an average of four and
a half years, The interviewees also want
harsher prison terms for assault than are
normally meted out by the courts. The ve-
searchers conclude that “the public wants

long prison sentences for most crimes,
with other sanctions used for minor im-
Jractions of the law or as add-ons to m-
prisonment”

PREMARITAL AIDS TESTS

Premarital AIDS testing, endorsed by
hey figures in the Reagan Administration,
is under consideration in 35 states and is
mandatory in three. Yet a Harvard Uni-
versity study finds that mandatory pre-
marital AIDS testing would be inefficient
and ineffective and that the AIDS test it-
self can be inaccurate. The Harvard study
concludes that AIDS screening will detect
fewer than .1 percent of HIV-mfected peo-
ple at an annual cost of more than
$100,000,000—an amount thal could
be used Jar more productively on AIDS
education.

THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
ANONYMOUS

SANTA ANA. CALIFORNIA—When Belty
Lou Brau had an artificial msemination,
she didnt become pregnant, but she did
pick up a sexually transmilted virus
mown to cause birth defects. Brau filed
suit to obtain the sperm donors name so
that he could be held liable for transmit-
ting the disease. “It will be a frightful day
if just anyone can submit his biological
contents to a company and know that he is
completely immunized from any legal
action,” said her attorney. The court dis-
agreed. In an unprecedented legal deci-
sion, the California Superior Court held
that the “John Doe" who sold his semen to
the fertility clinic had been guaranteed
anonymity and that his legitimate expec-
lation of и was protected under the state
constitutions nghi-to-privacy clause.

MOMENTS OF SILENCE:
UNRESOLVED
WASHINGTON ne. —A legal technicality
took the Supreme Court off the hook in
deciding whether or nol a moment of si-
lence is the same as praying. The Court

refused to decide the constitutionality of

an overturned New Jersey law that pro-
vided moments of silence for its public
school students because the two New
Jersey legislators who took the appeal to
the Court in 1985 no longer represent the
legislative leadership. The Courts deri-
son leaves unresolved the politically
charged issue of moments of silence in

public schools.

MONEY CANT BUY
EVERYTHING

NEW YORK cirv—Alarmed al the coun-
trys teenage- pregnancy vale, 78-year-old
real-estate millionaire John Napoleon La-
Corte offered high school girls in three
New York City boroughs $1000 to remain
medically certified virgins until their 19th
birthday. When his offer was ridiculed by
feminists, health experts and constitu-
lionalists, LaCorte changed his plan. In-
stead of rewarding virginily, he is going
to fund seminars to help prepare girls to
be good wives, mothers and homemakers.

CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT

WASHINGTON. Dc —Last April, the Fed-
eral Communications Commission issued
warnings to a New York talk-show host for
indulging m “shock radio" ("The Playboy
Forum,” August). The reverberations of
this warning were felt throughout the
broadcast community. Broadcasters be-
came wary of airing questionable materi-
al for fear of being censured and, in any
case, were prohibited by the commission
from airing any “indecent” programing
at any hour. Recently, the FCC relented

somewhat and told radio and television
broadcasters that they may air indecent
programs between midnight and six am.
without fear of FCC action. Lest you think
that this is a victory, consider that the pre-
vious time slot for indecent programing—
before the April ruling—was between ten
рм and six am

5i

52

The Los Angeles Police Department
appears to have a hard-on for Norma
Jean Almodovar—though its not the
same kind of hard-on it used to have for
her.

Almodovar is a former civilian
trafhic-control officer for the L.A.P.D.
She held the job for ten years and then
left for, well, a more honest job.

She made the mistake of telling a
friend from her traffic-control days, Patri-
cia Isgro, that she was working on a book
called From Cop to Callgirl, Almodovar
reports that in the book, she talked about
her days with the L.A.P.D, made
derogatory references to the sexual per-
formance of the boys in blue (“They just
whip it out of the holster and shoot") and
gave some examples of corruption in the
department. Some officers, for instance,
stole property from the cars of auto-acci-
dent victims and then

attorney's office as “а typical lineback-
er.” Shes six feet tall and weighs 200
pounds. She's also 50 years old. You be
the judge.

But no go; Almodovar was convicted
for "encouraging" someone to perform
an act of prosutution. However, the
judge, while acknowledging California's
“mandatory sentencing” law for prosti-
tution, with its three-year sentence, also
noted that the defendant had no prior
convictions. He placed her on three
years’ probation.

Almodovar then appeared on the
Joan Rivers Show and Donahue, she
gave numerous speeches and interviews
and sometimes read entertaining selec-
tions from her reconstructed manu-
script.

The district. attorney was not
amused, and a brief was filed from his

office objecting to her probation. The
brief argued that the mandatory-
sentencing law means exactly that
(though in the first three years after the
passage of the law, more than 30 per-
cent of those convicted received proba-
tion). The 31-page brief also contained
morc than 50 references to Almodovar's
book and to the publi
nered, charging that she
pandering by using literary means to
sell prostitution as a glamorous career
to a potentially vast readership, wl
commercially exploiting her law-enforce-
ment past to draw on scandalous esca-
pades that undermine respect for the law."
How, exactly, did the district attorney
and his boys invite respect for the law?
With such arguments as these: “Where-
as a robbery may have a traumatic
cflect on the victim lasting weeks or
months, pandering can

put pressure on her lo
keep her mouth shut.
Unfortunately, Isgro
was no friend. She went
to the police with
Almodovars story and
was sent back—wear-
ing a body wire. Isgro
asked Almodovar about
her work as a prostitute
and expressed interest
in joining the profes-

FIRST AMENDMENT
AWARDS

ad its victim to a
lifetime of shame
and degradation.
Whereas rape is accom-
plished by one act of
force . . . pandering is
a cold-blooded, calcu-
lating, profit-secking
criminal enterprise.”
Society should be pro-
tected from this 5'3"
redhead,

sion, Several days later,

en
guns drawn, arrested
Almodovar for pande
ing, which is a- felony.
They searched her
apartment and took her
book manuscript.

‘The police claimed
that Almodovar was
trying to entice Isgro

to prostitution; Almo-
dovar said that she was
simply trying to bolster
Isgro’s ego and was go-
ing to offer a male
friend money if he
would play the role of
the John. Isgro was de-
scribed by the district

Do you know of any dedicated defenders of First Amend-
ment freedoms? Give them the recognition they deserve by
nominating them for the 1988 Hugh M. Hefner First
Amendment Awards, which were established in 1979 to
honor people who protect our First Amendment rights.
Winners have included journalists, educators, lawyers, pub-
lishers and entertainers, though eligibility is not restricted
to these professions. Award winners receive as much as
$3000.

Last year’s winners were: Barry Lynn for Government;
Walter Karp for Publishing; Charles Levendosky for t
Journalism; Ricki Seidman, William A. Bradford and
Mary Weidler for Law; and Glenna Nowell for Education.

Nomination forms are available through the Playboy
Foundation, 919 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois
60611. The nomination deadline is April 29, 1988.

“A corrupt system
has decided that 1 am a
threat to society bc-
cause I talk about the
abuses of power and au-
thority that 1 have
witnessed," Almodovar
wrote in a postsentenc-
ing statement. “I am
not a threat to society; I
am a threat to the sys-
tem. .., [have stepped
ona lot of tocs, and now
certain members of the
police department, with
the help of the district
attorney's office, are en-
gaging in а blatant
vendetta,

One might think
so. — —JOHN DENTINGER

olor's AV27 audio-video system.

VI-200 27" Stereo Monitor Receiver

When you've arrived. Proton.

Your audio-video system should be
areflection of your lifestyle. That's
why you'll want the ultimate in picture,
sound and design.

Introducing Proton's new AV27
remote-controlled audio-video system.

It starts with our stunning new 27"
flat screen stereo monitor/receiver.
Never before have you seen a picture
so real. With rich, deep blacks.
Sparkling whites. Colors so pure.
Dimension so incredible. It's every-
thing you'd expect from the company
that earned Video Magazine's pres-
tigious Product of the Year award,
monitor/ receiver category.

For unparalleled sound, add
Proton's 300 Series remote-controlled
audio components with exclusive.
Dynamic Power on Demand.” Plus
our new matching floor-standing

speakers that sound as extraordinary
as they look

The Proton AV27 audio-video
system. Once you own it. you'll know
you've arrived.

The ultimate audio/video guide is
yours free for the asking.

Proton's Ultimate System Guide for
Audio/Videophiles tells you everything
about the innovative technology and
design that go into creating the re-
nowned Proton line.

For your copy, which includes a list
of the Proton retailers near you,
call (800) 772-0172.

In California, (800) 428-1006.

CLEARLY THE BEST
737 W. Artesia Bivd.. Compton, CA 90220

J&B Scotch Whisky. Blended and bottled in Scotland by Justerini & Brooks, fine wine and spirit, merchamssince 1749.
To send a gift of J&B anywhere in the U.S., call 1-800-238-4373. Void where pfahliblted: 5 ie

BA Pros AB Ran Berges ahy 0108 Th Padgnlon Cor FL N

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: TOM CLANCY

a candid conversation with the high-tech author of “red october”
about ships, nukes, lasers and things that

go ping! in the sea

Ronald Reagan reads his novels, then in-
viles him to the White House. Cap Wein-
berger reviews his newest book and gives il a
rave. The Secretary of the Navy debriefs him.
Our top war colleges cede lum the lectern.
The CLA has him over for lunch for a “chat.
From the Pentagon to the Kremlin, men in
uniforms hung heavy with brass ask one
another, Who is this author whos selling mil-
lions of books by popularizing the tech-
nosecrets of modern warfare? More than that,
they want to know, who is his source? Who's
feeding him the latest dope on bath sides’ subs,
satellites, tanks and lasers? Isn't that stuff
supposed to be . ... classified?

The subject of all this celebrity and suspi-
cion was, just four years ago, am obscure
Maryland insurance broker who had a thing
about the U.S. Navy and turned his haud to
writing novels. Tom Clancys “Hunt for Red
October” which surfaced from uncharted
publishing depths in 1984 lo float to the top
of the best-seller lists, invented a literary
genre: the technomilitary thriller: The story of
а Soviet submarine crew racing to defect to
the West before being cornered by the pursu-
ing Russian fleet, Clancy’ first novel was a
huge success. While at first glance, "Hunt"
reads like a standard C. 5. Forester sub-
marine adventure, il soon becomes clear that
iL is not the psyche of the battle-stressed com

fi і

“No one, but по опе, has ever given me clas-
sifted information. Гое been told, however,
that I've made up material that turned out to
be correct and very highly classified. Why
can't you just give me credit for being smart?”

mander Clancy is interested in laying bare as
much as the inner workings of the sub-
marines tracking and firing systems. The ma-
chine as hero.

Conjuring up a superpower war scenario
and describing in real, accessible detail the
complexities of the worlds most sophisticated
combat weaponry, Clancy, at the age of 40,
has come upon а winning formula. He has
mined the ethos of the Reagan era and struck
the commercial mother lode with twa other
best sellers, “Red Storm Rising” and “Patriot
Games.” In an era when the US. and the
U.S.S.R. have built so many weapons that it
has taken a summit just to discard a few, a
popular writer has found a compelling way to
explain what all that hardware is about—
and manages to show both the glittering men-
ace in а nuclear submarine and its high-lech
steel-hulled sexiness.

Not that Tom Clancy takes all of this quite
so seriously. It's also fun and games. Inside
his cramped book-lined. study т southern
Maryland, Clancy sits five or six hours a day,
lapping at lus Macintosh word processor. As
he rolls hıs mouse over the desk pad, another
Soviel regiment rumbles over. the German
border. A lap on the keyboard and the in-
vaders are crushed by a surprise NATO
counterthrust. And while Clancy's troops con-
quer the Soviets, his hardcovers and paper

X

he biggest problem that the Soviets have is
not their hardware, its their software, their
people. Nobody ve-enlists. On a Russian sub,
if a machine breaks, an officer has to fix it,
because the kids don't know how”

backs are mass marched right to the cash
register, Not only does he get to play war all
day bul hes making millions doing so.

For a guy who spent his childhood in Balti-
mores Jesuit schools—and then couldn't
make it past Loyola Colleges ROTC because
he was so nearsighted—this is quite an ad-
vance. A long way to come for a salesman of
homeowner policies who dreamed of writing
but had published only one artide—some-
thing technical on a new system for basing the
MX missile—and one letter to the editor. It
wasn't till just last year, long after Clancy
had been catapulted to wealth and notoriety,
that he finally stopped “going into the offi
of the insurance business he had run with his
wife, Wanda,

In 1982, Clancy started writing a novel,
loosely based on the real-life attempt of a So-
viet frigate crew to defect to Sweden in 1975,
using a research paper, some newspaper clip-
pings and technical data gleaned, in part,
from a $15 software strategy game. Six
months later, he lunched with an editor at the
US. Naval Academys Naval Institute Press.
So mpressed was the edior with Clancys
manuscript that he offered to buy it, even
though his press had never before published
any fiction. The agreed-upon advance was
a meager $5000. When the book appeared
in 1984, ecstatic reviews soon depleted the

2 ‚| |
\ |
PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOHN WHTMAN
“There is simply no way to verify the elimina-
tion of nuclear weapons. You want lo bring a
nuclear bomb into the U.S.? Don't bring it on
а missile. Just disguise и as cocaine and.
bring it through the Miami airport.”

PLAYBOY

initial 14,000-copy press run. After climbing
the New York Times best-seller list, “Red Oc-
tober” sold 250,000 hardcover copies and
more than 4,000,000 paperbacks, becoming
that vare item—a book that is a simultaneous
sofi- and hardcover best seller.

His next book, “Red Storm Rising,” ap-
peared in 1986 and sold an astounding
1,000,000 in hardcover and more than
3,000,000 paperbacks, lodging itself on the
national best-seller lists for more than S0
weeks. His third, “Patriot Games,” with
900.000 copies in print, has inhabited the
best-seller list for 24 weeks as we go to press.
Apart from the $3,000,000 guaranteed book
deal he has with Putnam, Clancy has further
advances from Paramount Pictures for the
Jilm rights lo “Red October”

This past winter, as Clancy was complet-
ing his most recent book, as yet unreleased,
“The Cardinal of the Kremlin,” Playboy
asked free-lancer Mare Cooper lo interview
the author. Cooper conducted several long
sessions with Clancy at his home in Prince
Frederick, Maryland. Coopers report:

“It was only natural that this man who
makes his living idealizing the soldiers life
should greet me during our first interview
wearing a sort of uniform: sharply pressed
khaki pants, a dark-blue shirt emblazoned
with the insignia of the U.S. Naval War Col-
lege, an officers parka over that and а gold-
braided cap inscribed with vss. ruannıs
riding low over extra-dark aviator shades.

“And given his unabashed fascination
with all that is gadgetry, it was appropriate
enough that the first session began as Clancy
drove to pick up a new computer keyboard,
answering my questions as he piloted his
new Mercedes 420 through a Maryland
rainstorm. ‘Don't worry about lape-recording
ane in here, he boasted. "This is the world’s
quietest сат. Perfect for an interview!

“And while the soundproofing of the car
was remarkable, our first couple of hours lo-
gether were awkward, if not lense. Clancy
stared straight ahead at the road and spoke in
precise, clipped, dispassionate phrases. 1
thought he simply distrusted me and
Playboy, which he perceived as a military-
bashing pacifist rag, And 1 had a good reason
lo believe so.

“A few weeks earlier, when I had. first
phoned Clancy to set up the interview, he told
me he was surprised by the request. You
caught me at a weird lime, he said. It wasn't
but a couple of days ago that 1 had come
across the “Playboy Interview” with Daniel
Ortega [November 1987] and 1 shook my
head and said, “When is Playboy gonna stop
giving so much space to all the bad guys and
start doing some good guys?” And now you
call. Its spooky?

“But by our second meeting—this time in
his study jammed with reference books, a cou-
ple of empty tank shells and framed pictures
of carriers, subs and combat jels—1 realized 1
had misjudged the man. Clancy was no stiff
He was simply an enormously unpretentious,
humble and shy father of four who had been
thrust into a prominence that he enjoyed but
did not altogether know how to handle. He

graciously answered every question put to
him, spared no time in explaining the most
arcane of technical contraptions and kept our
discussion percolating with his disarming
sense of humor
“1 didn't share his unshakable faith in tech

nology in general and in US. military pre-
paredness in particular, But interviewing
Tom Clancy was an opportunity to strip away
the political mystifications that shroud. our
national defense apparatus and take a
sober—and entertaining—look at the nuts
and bolts underneath.”

PLAYBOY: Through your best-selling novels,
you've become а popular authority on what
the U, а the Soviets really have in their
military arsenals and on how war may be
fought today. You've described Amen
and Soviet military technology in such re-
alistic detail that experts wonder how you
President Reagan is supposedly a big
of yours. You do have sources the
CIA, don't you?

CLANCY: Not true. I've never had а
official help from the intelligence comm
nity. Nor unoflicial help.

PLAYBOY: How about help from the manu-

“There is no way
a Russian could come
to grips with the
concept that Рт just
a small businessman
who reads a lot.”

facturers of your favorite characters—sub-

CLANCY: No, T

ver talked with anybody
from General Dynami 1 didn't ever get
aboard one of their subi es until after
The Hunt for Red October was finished.
PLAYBOY: Where did you get your technical
data?

CLANCY: [Laughs] From three books right
here on my shelves: Ships and Air Craft of
the U.S. Fleet, Guide to the Soviet Navy,
Combat Fleets of the World, all from the
Naval Institute Press. My current net in-
vestment is about $150. OK? And, you
know, the Russians are asking the same
questions as you are.

PLAYBOY: Pravda slammed you in a review
tilled “Caution: Poison” and warned that
you were a mouthpiece for the Pentagon.

masked man?” They
ated (0 my n
allluence by the military-industria
plex; that General Dynamics needed an
official minstrel, so they hired me instead
of James Michener or something. There is
no way a Russian could come to grips with
the concept that I’m just a small business-
man who reads a lot.

PLAYBOY: Maybe, maybe not. Our readers
should know that this interview has al-
interrupted by a call from a

CLANCY: That call? That was a guy whose
department sponsored me when ] gave a
talk over at the CIA, that's all. I repeat: No
one, but no one, has ever given me clas-
sified information of any kind. Гуе been
told, however, that I made up material that
turned out to be correct and very, ver
highly classified —but I don't know what it
is. They tell me it's right but not what it is.
Security spooks are very humorless people
who h trouble believing that somebody
can make a good guess. So do i
the media. Why can’ j
credit for heing smart?

PLAYBOY: We'll take your word for it, then
All your research is there on your shelf.
CLANCY: Yes. And for The Hunt for Red Oc-
tober, about nuclear subs, 1 also relied on a
software war
how I got my
and ships and mi
you maneuver a ship, how the radars work.
"There's a useful appen the manual;
it was easy. If you buy that game-

guess it now costs $20 or so—you can
spend maybe two hours a day with it for
two weeks and you'll know as much about
the Navy as some admirals.

PLAYBOY: "That's a chilling thought.
CLANCY: And for sure you'll know more
than anybody in Congress.

PLAYBOY: Shouldn't we be a little terrified
that your fictional stories arc being uscd as
texts in our war colleges?

CLANCY: Not exactly as texts, but as case
studies. What I do is paint in very broad
strokes. I call it connect the dots: If you
know this fact and that fact and that fact,
you can figure out how they’re connected.
Evidently, Pm pretty good at that, or so a
few generals and admirals tell me.
PLAYBOY: This has been an important year
for summit talks and arms reduction, so
let's get your thoughts on the current state
of the military i nd in the
iet Union.
t. do you believe that a powerful n.
с Soviets as to the U.S.?
primarily a maritime
always been our first
à continen-
tal power, going right back to the czars.
‘The main threat to the Ru: as al-
ways been invasion by land. 7
on the other hand, you've got to cross the
ocean. For this simple r the Soviet

ry lanes operate: how

PLAYBOY: Gi
size and power of the U.S. submarine fleet.
CLANCY: There arc about 100 of the fast at-
tack subs of the Red October kind—they
run about a half billion dollars each, but
they're the best subs in history
PLAYBOY: What sort of weapon
attack subs carry?

CLANCY: Considering their cost, each could
carry a heck of a lot more weapons than it
does. Normal weapons load-out is 22 Mark

do those

on surlace-to-

iy ¡ús an awfully

to carry only 28

PLAYBOY: The U.S. also has subs that carry
long-range nuclear missiles.

CLANCY: We've got about three dozen
those are the Trident-type
Ohio-class subs equipped with ballistic nu-
cle missiles. The E
hopefully to deter war. Or to j
around and say, OK, Ivan, if you blow up
merica, we'll blow up the Soviet Union. If
anything gets close to them, they go the
other way.

PLAYBOY: What's your ove
of Soviet military power?
CLANCY: Its less than what it seems. The
biggest problem the Soviets h
their hardw
people. In the navy, they don't have proles-
sional з, the way we do. Same thing
with the Soviet army. A guy goes into the
Russian army, he's in for two years and he
goes home. In the navy, it's three years and
he goes home. Nobody re-enlists.

PLAYBOY: Not even the officers?

CLANCY: The officers do. The officers are
professionals, but there's a big difference
between us and them. Look, on a U.S. 688-
class submarine, you've got a crew of 120,
only about 18 or 20 of them are oflicers, the
rest are enlisted men. Chief petty officers,
petty officers, Ifa ma-
chine breaks, n't fix it, some
21-year-old kid fixes it. On a Russian sub,
an olhcer has to hx it, because the kids
dont know how. They're not around long
enough to learn. And there isn't a chief pet-
ty officer to teach him. As a result, the So-
viet navy simply is not as proficient i
using the equipment it has, because it’s
afraid to use it. So their philosophy, very
often, is to use it once to make sure it
works, and then turn it off and save it for a
rainy day. Well, the problem is that when it
starts raining, if nobody knows how 10
open the umbrella, you're going to get wet.
PLAYBOY: And when you get wet
CLANCY: When you get wet i
you're in big trouble!
PLAYBOY: Yet those are the guys whose subs
we chase and whose subs chase us around
the world in a perpetual war game.
CLANCY: No, we're chasing them, they're
not chasing us.

PLAYBOY: Why so one-sided?

CLANCY: Because they can't find us; we can
find them. We have better subm:
have better dr
PLAYBOY: What makes a good nucle
marine driver?
CLANCY: They are gi
a challenge. . . - Ста sure most subscribe to.
Playboy! [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: Thanks. But what
the submarine corps?
CLANCY: They are very

boomers

boon

ion is

ll assessment

ve is not

€, its their software, the

asub,

с:

nes, we

rs.

ecial about

t, very

disciplined people. But considering the fact
that they like living inside a steel pipe for

ie

operating against the Sov
officially, the US. Navy
supposedly out conducting “oceanographic
research” —like, they're out counting
whales for Greenpeace. Sure. [n fact,
they're really following Soviet submarines
intelligence
they do in

PLAYBOY: And you believe that submari
are the crucial weapons of modern warfare.
How do the subs—or boats, as youve
taught us in your books to call them—of
each country compare with cach othe
CLANCY: American boats arc quieter.
‘They're mechanically far more reliable.

Part of that comes from the fact t

phy. The Russians are wi
more design risks
they ha

fore, they're mechanic

cases. There are a lot of nasty jokes i

Soviet

navy about their nucle

For example?
How do you tell a s

CLANCY:

sort of thing,

PLAYBOY: Are American subs so much qui-
eter and harder to detect than Soviet subs

Radar detectors:
Which are really best?

These days every maker says their radar
detector is best. Who's telling the truth?
Freedom of the press

If you read movie ads, you know how
each one finds a short phrase from a
review that makes it sound like “the year's
best" Well, some detector makers play
the same game.

But we won't play games. Below are
the overall results of thethreemost recent
independent tests of radar detectors.

LATEST PERFORMANCE RANKINGS
Popular
Mechanics
erg
Escort
Passport.

BEL

Roundel

June 3987
Passport
Escort

BEL Quantum
Whistler

Radio Shack

primm [poematis
Sunkyong — "Maxon

Although each staff of experts used
different methods to evaluate the detec-
tors, their conclusions were unanimous;
Escort and Passport are winners.

Here's the proof

Call us toll-free (1-800-543-1608)
and we'll send you the complete, unedited
tests. Read exactly what the experts say.

How to order

We sell direct to you. Orders in by
3:00 pm eastern time go out the same
day, and we pay for UPS shipping. Ovemight
Federal Express delivery is only $10 extra.

Ifyou'renotcompletely satisfied within
30 days, return your purchase. We'll refund
all your money, including return postage.

For top-rated radar protection, just
call us toll-free.

TOLL FREE 1-800-543-1608
(Cal Mon-Fri 8am-1pm. Sat-Sun 9:30-6 EST)

RADAR WARNING RECEIVER.
ESCORT $245 (OH res. add $1348 ta)
PASSPORT
RADAR-RECEIVER
AA A en
PASSPORT $295 (Otires. add $1623 tax)
Cincinnati Microwave

Department 70748

One Microwave Plaza
Cincinnati, Ohio 45249-9502

For Information, call toll free 1-800-543-1608

we
have an overly conservative design philoso-
yy 10 take a lot
n we are. But because
ve poor quality control, their good
designs are poorly executed. And, there-
ally unsafe, in m:

the
аг sub-

эг from the
northern fleet? He glows in the dark.” That

€ 1988 Oncimati Microwave, Inc.

57

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

reir
ay

tl

in

E “tl |

PLAYBOY

CLANCY: The amount of noise you make is a
function of more than one thing. It's not
just the speed or the power output of your
reactor. It’s also the configuration of the
hip, because the sl elf makes noise as
it goes through the water. And since the So-
viets have more flooding holes in their hulls
for the ballast tanks, their hulls are inher-
ently noisier than ours.

PLAYBOY: This is what you have described
as “hull-popping sounds”?

CLANCY: Right. [t's more of a groan and a
creak—a pop . - . snap, crackle and pop,
like Rice Kri Ours don't do that
much, because we have fewer compart-
ments. The bad news on our side is that
their submarines are more survivable, be
cause they're compartmented more closely
nd they can probably withstand more
flooding than ours can. On the other hand,
our design philosophy is that if they
hear you, they aint ge
props are quicter—or they uere until some
bastards in Japan and Norway gave the
Russians the technology to duplicate them.
PLAYBOY: You're talking about the recent
Toshiba scandal?

CLANCY: It wasn't just Toshiba; they had
help. From Kongsberg, a Norweg
that makes various technological devices
and quite а few weapons systems.

PLAYBOY: And what is it, exactly, that
‘Toshiba sold the Russians?

CLANCY: A computer-controlled milling
machine that, with proper software, can be
programmed to design this particular type
of screw; they're very difficult to make. The
Soviets had been trying to make them for
some time; the ones they had were hand-
lathed and not terribly well done. Now
they'll be able to make them the same way
we do. And I’m really pissed at those bas-
tards!

PLAYBOY: Why so personal?

CLANCY: ‘Toshiba helped make Russian
submarines quieter. As a result of that, the
lives of friends of mine who drive sub-
marines for the US. Navy and the Royal
Navy are very much more at risk now than
they were before.

PLAYBOY: What do you think of the re-
sponse from Congress?

CLANCY: What response? Congress is going
to wimp out on this like they do on every-
thing else. They sce 4000 American jobs at
risk if we come down hard on Toshiba.
What about the 10,000 people we have out
on submarines right now? What's more im-
portant, the job or somebody's life?
PLAYBOY: In your books, you write that if
you can hear a sub, you can torpedo it. Are
today's torpedoes like the things we grew
up watching in World War Two movies?
CLANCY: No, those were straight runners.
You send them out on a path and they just
go on a straight line until they hit somc-
thing. Though the Germans had some to
pedoes that circled. But modern "fish"
have an ultrasonic sonar in the nose that
sends out a very high-frequency ping. The
ping hits something and gets an echo back,
and the sonar simply turns the torpedo in

n ош

the direction of the returning ping. It’s like
a kamikaze with an LO. of three.
PLAYBOY: What do you do if you are in a sub.
and all of a sudden you hear yourself get-
ting pinged? Put your a п order and
wait for the end?

CLANCY: No. First you might send out a
noisemaker, a decoy that makes noise in
the frequency that this torpedo is listening
to. Or you might have a rubber coating on
the submarine called an anechoie coating,
which is tuned to absorb that specific sonar
frequency; at long range, the torpedo won't
hear you and won't even home in. Or you
turn your tail on the fish—the torpedo—
and just try to outrun
PLAYBOY: Is that possible? A
that fast?

CLANCY: Well, it's more a function of dis-
tance than of speed. If you do the mathe-
matics, if somebody’s a mile behind you,
going twice as fast as you, he may still run
out of range before he gets to you.
PLAYBOY: What can the missiles on the
boomer subs do?

CLANCY: They can, forall prae

modern subs

ical purpos-

es, end the world, They can kill off most of

the citizens in the Soviet Union, and the
Soviet subs can kill off most of the citizens
of the United States.

PLAYBOY: And how does the Soviet sub fleet
shape up in that respect?

CLANCY: They've got more of everything.
At least in submarines, they certainly do.
They have 385 submarines, that's boomers
and fast-attack combined. That means 78
ballistic le submarines, the rest, at-
tack subs—so they have us rather heavily
outnumbered.

PLAYBOY: But you've said that numbers
don't tell the whole story when it comes to
new military realities.
CLANCY: Not суеп remotel
PLAYBOY: So you don't see the So
as an ultimate threat.

CLANCY: Ц represents a considerable
threat, but a threat with which we can deal
if we have to. Our real problem is at
home—in Washington, ‘The Congressional

t navy

process almost demands that people lie. If

you tell Congress, “Yeah, we can deal with
the Soviet threat,” Congress will say, “OK,
you don’t need any more ships this year”
What that means is that 20 years from
now, we're going to necd more ships than
we can afford to build. So the defense com-
munity very often has to say to Congress,
“Look, the Russians have us so badly out-
numbered, we have to have 12 more ships.”
Congress will say, “Well, we can't afford
12, well give you And the Navy will
say, “OK, we'll take six,” knowing that six
is all it needed all along. It's an absurd,
stupid, wasteful process, but it’s part of this
idiot adversarial system we have in Wash-
ington. The real problem is that there are a
lot of people in Congress who, frankly,
would rather trash the military than hug
their own kids.

PLAYBOY: It's not hard to guess your politics
оп this subject. Some of us think that Con-
gress is too cager to support the Pentagon.

CLANCY: Oh, yeah? The day we went into
Grenada, I think it was Jim Shannon, the
former Congressman from Massachuset
who got on the floor of the House, for

the n cameras, and recited, "Potato,
potahto, tomato, tomahto, Grenada,
Grenahda, let's call the whole thing off."

While that arrogant little bastard was say-
ing that, real guns were firing real bullets
at a friend of mine, A Navy helicopter pilot
I knew was being shot at and he was
awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross
for saving 11 lives. He risked his life and
some little prick of a Congressman was
making jokes about it.
is just plain wrong.
PLAYBOY: You think Cong
dermines the military?

CLANCY: What I’m saying is that it
gress’ job to help run the itary, yet it
doesn’t keep up with what it's supposed to.
When I spoke at the CIA last year, the talk
was sponsored by the Office of Strategic
Weapons Research. Over lunch, they had a
good chuckle from saying that since Red
October had been published, they'd had be-
tween 15 and 20 inquiries from Соп
asking CIA how it was that the Soviets de-
veloped a submarine caterpillar drive be-
fore we did.

PLAYBOY: So?
CLANCY: So? So the caterpillar drive was
totally fictional! I made it up out of whole
cloth! Fificen or 20 people on Capitol Hill
could not tell the difference between a nov-
el and an iefing. Don't you

nation to know what they're voting for. De-

cisions are made on an idcological rather
than a factual basis. There's an old saying
that the person who does not know how to
ask the right question always hears the
wrong answer.

As for my over-all views on this, the
centage of military expenditure as part of
the Federal budget is still well below what
it was under John F Kennedy. And Jack
Kennedy was not exactly a Nazi, OK?
PLAYBOY: The question is, Do we really
nd boats?

need more planes
CLANCY: That's the wrong question. The
question is one of developing a consensus
on defense policy. Do we need a mili
you answer that question yes, a
What do we need it for? What mis
sion? Once you define the mission, you buy
all the hardware you need to
mission. You don't buy hammers because
you like hammers, you buy hammers be-
cause you have to drive nails to build a
house.

PLAYBOY: Do you think there is no such con-
sensus in the U.S.?

CLANCY: There is a national consensus that
we should avoi clear war. But beyond
that, things get screwed up. And its not
just the political left that screws things up.
The political right is just as bad.

PLAYBOY: Some of what you say sounds
but some doesn't.
What do you call yourself?
CLANCY: People call me a haw

tually, 1

Premiering inAmerica...
ahealthy-looking tan
whenever you want and...
withoutthe sun.

PROGRAMME
HOMME

LANCOME
PARIS

C Cosmair,Inc. 1988

CG

PLAYBOY

LIFT YOUR SENSES TO NEW HEIGHTS.

The everyday is left
behind. You've

got the Blaupunkt
Portland AMIFM.
Cassette Receiver
on board.

.
It features an auto-
reverse tape deck,
= pnt 1 tuning, ONR
S mise reduction,
and anti-theft
security code. All
in one easily
removable unit.

-— .
= And you're covered
| by our Blue Dot"
| Warranty. Y your
Blaupunkt ever

© ceeds work within a
о year, we replace it
Р tree—when orig-
ЧЕ nally installed
by an authorized
= Blaupunkt саг
ÎÎ audio retailer. Call
| 1-800-237-7999
for the dealer

nearest you.

rive a Blaupunkt.
ч And rise above it all.

BLAUPUNKT

BOSCH Group

find myself to be fairly reasonable, prag-
г cal right consistently over-
estimates the threat of the Soviet Union to
the United States. There is a real threat, it
is a threat that we should be very con-
cerned about, but if you distort the threat,
if you overestimate the nature of your ene-
my, if you say he’s a lot more formidable
than he really is, all you're doing is robbing
credibility from the threat that actually ex-
ists, and that’s just stupid.
PLAYBOY: How do you assess the Adminis-
tration’s over-all perception of the Soviets?
CLANCY: Better than most, though I never
bought the window-of-vulnerability thing.
1 don't think the Russians, objectively,
have the ability to eliminate our land-
based wcapons with a first strike of their
nuclear ballistic weapons. But that doesn’t
matter. In the political world, reality is
what you perceive it to be. But we mirror-
image a lot. And that's a mistake, because
we are very different societies. Kissinger
says the Soviets can be counted on to act in
a certain way because it is in their self-in-
terest to do so. But sometimes the Soviets
don't because their political system won't
allow them to.
PLAYBOY: In what sense?
CLANCY: Well, we know it would be in their
self-interest to feed themselves, but they
have designed a system that won't allow
them to. Despite glasnost, the Soviet system
lies to itself in all fields, in all categories.
PLAYBOY: How?
CLANCY: Whether you're a factory manager
or a battalion commander or a railroad
dispatcher, if you don't meet the norms that
are dictated to you by Gosplan, the state
planning agency, then somebody's going to
come down on you. So, if you fall short,
you're going to lic, and nobody will know
the diference, because everybody over
there lies. So, you know, when Gorbachev
gets numbers on how well the Soviet econo-
my is performing, he knows that he can't
trust them. And the same thing is true of
the Soviet military. Nobody really knows
how effective the Soviet military is—in-
cluding the general officers in command.
PLAYBOY: Does that mean the two countries
have very different goals for their respec-
tive military establishments?
CLANCY: In part. Ours is the prevention of
war. H our military does its job properly,
the other side will not start a war, for fear
of losing it. The Soviet military views the
world as something that potentially threat-
ens the Sovict Union. Russian history
shows that they’ve been invaded from just
about every possible direction, and they've
lost a lot of people—millions in World War
One, another 20,000,000 in World War
Two. Rather sensibly, they think thats
enough for one century. And it's kind of
hard to disagree with them on that. So So-
viet military strategy can best be summa-
rized in two words: damage limitation.
They don't want anybody else stomping on
their country and killing their citizens,
which strikes me as entirely reasonable.
PLAYBOY: There you go again, tarnishing

your hawkish image. Are you discounting
the notion that Soviet mi
fundamentally expansionist?
CLANCY: The best simile I've seen for the
Soviets in military and political terms
comes from Senator Pat Moynihan, who
said the Soviets are like a hotel burglar;
they'll go down a corridor and rattle knobs,
and if the door is unlocked, they'll go in
and take their shot. Yeah, the only way
they're going to come over here is if we let
them. But were practically going to have
to invite them. So I have surprised you,
haven't I?

PLAYBOY: What about U.S. military pre-
paredness? Critics contend that we have
not won a war in 30 years, that all cur tech-
nology couldr't prevent 37 sailors from be-
ing killed on the U.S.S. Stark and that all
we have been able to do is overrun a
postage-stamp country such as Grenada
and shoot up a few Iranian oil platforms.
CLANCY: All right. Take a guy who is trying
to run the 100-meter dash in the
Olympics—then make him wear lead
boots. He's not going to win. Then point to
him and say, “You lousy runner!" Well,

"Numbers are not decisive
on the battlefield. Brains
are. The reason I don’t
sweat the Russians is that
they dorit train their
people to think.”

whoever put the boots on his feet was re-
sponsible for his failure. The military does
not choose its missions.
PLAYBOY: So, again, you sec the problem as
political.
CLANCY: Yes. Political leadership says, “We
have a job for you; here it is, go do it.” And
the military salutes, says “Yes, sir” and
gocs off and does its best. In the case of
Vietnam, the Army was sent to do some-
thing for which it had no clear mission de-
scription, President Johnson said, “It is
necessary for the United States to go fight
in Vietnam.” The military said “Yes, sir”
and put its plans and recommendations to-
gether and went back to President Johnson
and he read them over and said, “No, you
can’t do it that way. You have to do it this
ay. It's politically necessary.” And the
military its best and it failed.
PLAYBOY: You've written about how the
West would fare in a military confrontation
in Europe with the Soviet Union. For
starters, aren't NATO forces outnumbered
by the Soviet and Warsaw Pact forces? Isn't
the outcome of a conflict in Europe a fore-
gone conclusion?
CLANCY: As I've said, numbers are not the
decisive factor on the battlefield. The deci-
sive factor is who’s got the most brains. If

you don’t believe me, ask the Israclis.
They're always outnumbered and they al-
ways kick ass. The side with the brains is
going to win. And the reason I don't sweat
the Russians as much as some people do—
even though they do have us heavily out-
numbered—is that they don't train their
people to think.

Soviet artillery doctrine is a lot more for-
malized and a lot less flexible than ours is.
We can start putting bullets on target 30
seconds after somebody yells “Fire mi
sion" into the radio. We can engage multi-
ple targets at one time. The Russians don't
know how to do that. We have smart muni-
tions, we have laser-guided artillery shells;
the Russians don't. We have artillery-de-
ployed mines; the Russians don't. Were
bringing stuff into the inventory right now
such as SADARM, which is an artillery
shell that breaks into four pieces, and cach
piece goes looking for a tank to kill all by
itself. It can tell the difference between a
tank and a tree. That’s a big equalizer. Es-
sentially, we fight smart and the Russians
fight dumb.

PLAYBOY: Let's play one of your war scenar-
ios: What could actually trigger an East-
West conflict in Europe?

CLANCY: A likely one these days? OK. As in
Red Storm Rising, Moslem dissidents in the
Soviet Union—and they have a lot of
Moslems—sabotage the major domestic
Soviet oil fields. Faced with a crippling en-
ergy crunch, and lacking hard-currency re-
serves to import the oil, the Soviets are
forced to seize the Middle Eastern oil
fields. ‘To clear the way for such an adven-
ture, they must first take out the Western
military alliance, NATO.

PLAYBOY: So the Soviets begin a land war in
Europe.

CLANCY: Precisely. They launch a massive
surprise attack against West Germany and
try to overwhelm us with sheer force of
numbers and armor. Those are their strong
points: size and proximity.

PLAYBOY: What would the West do in the
first days?

CLANCY: Throw everything we've got
against them to prevent а breakthrough in
our lines. Concentrate as many troops as
possible on the front. And now comes the
tricky part: Resupplying our troops in Eu-
rope means sending convoys of freighters
across 3000 miles of the Atlantic Occan.
PLAYBOY: The Russians arc going to try to
sink those ships.

CLANCY: That's why they have 300 fast-at-
tack subs! Their ability to choke off our re-
supply hinges on getting enough sub-
marines away from their coast and into
the middle of the Atlantic to attack our
convoys.

PLAYBOY: So from a planned Soviet attack
on the Middle East, fighting first moves to
the land in Europe and ultimately to a bat-
tle for the Atlantic.

CLANCY: Yes, because if we're able to freely
resupply our troops in Europe, we can
probably win the war. If not, we can lose.
PLAYBOY: How does the U.S. keep the

61

PLAYBOY

62

Adantic free from Soviet attack forces?
CLANCY: OK, you have to picture the Sovi-
et fleet concentrated up in the northern
corner of Europe. The Soviets have to
take their fleet down into the main At-
lantic through a relatively narrow cor
ridor On the northern border of that
passage is Greenland. On the southern
extreme is England. In the middle of this
channel is Iceland.

PLAYBOY: And NATO' goal would be to
block that passagi
CLANCY: Right. That's why we have what is
called the Greenland-Iceland-U.K. е,
G/L/U.K. Its like а fence across the
northern Atlantic.

PLAYBOY: And that’s why you ascribe such
importance to the island nation of Iceland.
CLANCY: What most people don't under-
stand is that Iceland is the key to Europe.
Ifwe hold Iceland, the Russian job of clos-
ing the North Atlantic goes from difficult to
damn near impossible. That's why, in Red
Storm Rising, we let the Soviets neutralize
Iceland.

PLAYBOY: We let them?

CLANCY: Well, I let them. I came up with a
very good plan for them, didn't I? Some
papers have been written about it at the
Naval War College, as a matter of fact.
PLAYBOY: How heavily does NATO patrol
that lence?

CLANCY: We keep a pretty close eye on their
subs at all times. In a war, we would essen-
tially set up a toll-booth operation and try
to clobber each sub as it tried to squeeze
through. It would cost them a lot to get
their submarines out.

PLAYBOY: ‘here is also a sort of electronic
barrier along this fence, isn't there?
CLANCY: Yes, The SOSUS line—that's an
acronym for Sound Surveillance System.
Hydrophones. Underwater listening de-
vices deployed all over the area, Theres a
line from Greenland to Iceland to the U.K
And probably a number of similar lines up
in the Barents Sea, north of the Soviet
Union. And I daresay the Norwegian Sca
is also wired like a pinball machine.
PLAYBOY: Does all of this mean that the So-
viet sub fleet is always bottled up in its own
northern waters and that the Atlantic is an
Amcrican lakc?

CLANCY: No way. As we talk here in Mary-
land, in peacetime, there may be Russian
subs—even some of thc boomers with nu-
clear missiles—just 12 miles off our coast.
But not many. What Гус been talking
about is a surge of 100 or more subs acros
the line.

PLAYBOY: Does the U.S. have enough subs
and aircraft to kill the Russian subs if they
surged across the line after taking Iceland?
CLANCY: Not all, but a lot of them.
PLAYBOY: But they need only one sub to
nuke us and end the world, right?

CLANCY: If they decide to start a nuclear
war, there are ways а lot easicr to do it than
to try to sneak a submarine up on our
coast. The Russians know if they deploy a
submarine in the North Atlantic, we could
make that submarine disappear and they’d

never know why. All they'd know was that
it didn’t come home. So the Soviet strategy
for their missile submarines is not to deploy
them forward but to put them їп а bastion,
in a sanctuary.

PLAYBOY: "Then U.S. naval strategy is ag-
gressive, while the Soviets’ is defensive.
CLANCY: Yeah, that’s a fair observation.
The Soviet navy is more defensive than
offensive; the U.S. Navy is—we don't say
offensive, we say it's in the business of pow-
er projection.

PLAYBOY: So in our war scenario, the So
ets surge their attack subs, looking for
ships to sink. How vulnerable are U.S. at-
tack carriers?

CLANCY: We'd probably lose a few. But the
Russians would probably lose all of their
naval aviation—all of their Backfires.

g after a carrier battle group
is like trying to strangle а porcupine—
re going to get hurt when you try. Our
fighter planes based on the carriers are go-
ing to start engaging you 500 miles out and
fight you all the way in.
PLAYBOY: Then you don't think the NATO.

“In peacetime, you get
promoted by pushing paper
better than anybody else.
In wartime, you get pro-

moted for killing people.”

forces have much to worry about in the air?
CLANCY: No. Their aircraft—mostly cl
sy Bear bombers—are goi
our Tomcat F-l4 Interceptors, 24 from
And they all carry missiles
ег cannon shells,

PLAYBOY: How do you compare the F-14
with the Bear and the Backfire?

pare a Ferrari
with a Kenworth 18-wheeler?

: That much of a difference?
CLANCY: Hey, a bomber is not supposed to
be a fighter. A bomber drops bombs, a
fighter fights. The Russians cant fly
fighters that far. Neither can we. We don't
have a fighter that will fly 8000 miles
‘That's why we put them on carriers.
PLAYBOY: Why don't the Russians usc their
aircraft carriers to carry fighter planes?
CLANCY: What aircraft carriers?
PLAYBOY: Well, we've heard a lot about the
isn’t that a Soviet carrier?

г? Hey, man. The Kiev's not
target! One Navy guy I
know calls it a “Navy ss waiting to
happen.” I love it! It carries VTOL planes,
those dinky little vertical-take-ofl-and-
landing things called Forgers. Real dogs.
PLAYBOY: And those planes can't do any-
thing against the U.S. fleet?

a carrier; it’s

CLANCY: They're defensive in nature. But,
the Kiev wouldn't get nough. It would
die before it got to the coast of Norway.
PLAYBOY: You didn't say whether it really
was a carrier.

CLANCY: It is one of four glorified antisub
cruisers the Russians have. I'm telling you,
they don't have any aircraft carriers.
PLAYBOY: Then if the U.S.

that Ameri
high seas?

should. Really, the Soviet
seas is what you might call a
environment!”

PLAYBOY: How could the U.S. play its cards

y on the open
“tanget-rich

CLANCY: In a chapter in Red Storm Rising,
1 proposed one way: The Russians do
somethi smart. They usc half their at-
tack force to launch decoy
the decoys while the actual strike force
comes in from a different direction, Any
army—or navy—can be donc in by a
stupid commander. As 1 said carlier, usual-
ly, the side with brains is the side that wins.
PLAYBOY: But in our scenario, the one you
think is most likely today, if the Soviets
were to attack in Europe but failed to take
Iceland.
CLANCY: Then we'd run the ships across
the Atlantic and resupply our troops in Eu-
rope. And we'd probably win.

PLAYBOY: Wait. The U.S. has all those Soy
et submarines bottled up in their sanctuar-
ies. Do we just go in and kill their subs?
CLANCY: You said it! You think that’s un-
sporting?

PLAYBOY: No, just dangerous.

CLANCY: Hey, that’s their job, to kill every-
find. That's how you get pro-
peacetime, you get promoted
by pushing paper better than anybody
else. In wartime, you get promoted for
killing people. It’s called sanitizing the
are:

PLAYBOY: There you are, oll the So
coast, destroying all their nuclear subs. Y
really don't think the Russians just might
consider the nuclear option at that point?
CLANCY: No. The Russians are more realis-
tic on nuclear issues than we are. They
know that if they have ships out there,
some of them are going to get lost.
PLAYBOY: OK. We win in that scenario.
Since most war scenarios begin with a So-
vict land invasion of Europe, just how like-
ly is an invasion to happen in real life?
CLANCY: Not very. In Red Storm Rising, 1
was very careful to force the decision upon
the Soviets. I don't think they have any
particular intention to go olf and conquer
the world —overtly.

PLAYBOY: You do nt agree with those who
say communi
CLANCY: Their political bel
against that, not in favor of it
believe, and Marxism-Leninism teaches
them, that sooner or later, the whole world

ind we go for

is going to go Communist, because com-
munism is the
human society. Th
the sam
believes in the Epistles of Saint Paul.
sequently, if everything vou bel
you that you're ultimately going to w
why risk everything on one throw of the
dice? It simply is not a logical thing to do.
PLAYBOY: Are you a supporter of the treaty
п signed banning in-

CLANCY: I thought it was а good agreement
for everybody. Good for them, good f
good for ole world.

PLAYBOY: Why?
CLANCY: Because you're eliminating
weapons that in my mply were not

n Red Storm, you have a slick
der who fools the U.S. with
ion proposals, only to mask his
de. Is he supposed to sound
like Gorbachev?

CLANCY: No, not at all. That sc ) was
put together before Gorbachey was elevat-
ed at the Politburo. The fact that my pre-
mier came out of a background of
agriculture, as did Gorbachev, is another
onc of those coincidences.

PLAYBOY: You don't hold with the right-
wingers who think we're being suckered by
the Russians?
CLANCY: No. I think the Ri
interest in reducing the likelihood of nucle-
ar war, just as we do. And sincerity isn't the
issue, either. If you look at the way the
NEL. play with the NEL
owners—is there really such a thing as
good-faith negotiation over really impor
tant issues? Well, probably not.
tion is: Do wc

I think it's a great idea

we're going to do it the

ng it now

y not?

т weapons аге the only le-
t government has to be a

gitimacy the
world power. The

world country in every real sense—but a
third-world country with 10,000 а, T-
abl ¢ country cannot

feed itself. You cannot drive from one side
of the country to the other on a paved road
In America, we have superhighways. Even
the crummy little road that you drove
down to get here for this

the
¢ up his mis-
good reasor
PLAYBOY: But it’s the Soviets who proposed
a 50 percent cut in the long-range strategic
missiles.
CLANCY: That would cut deliverable war-
heads from about 10,000 down tw 5000.
(continued on page 160)

Why боп! you come see us ın Tennessee sometime. The hills are lovely about now.

"THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL about the
"Tennessee hills as a place for making Jack Daniel's.

You see, we make an old-fashioned whiskey that
can’t be hurried in any manner. And out here,
where the pace of city living is all Бис
forgotten, a man can slow down and
do things right. We could probably
make a bit more Jack Daniel's if we
made it іп a factory. (Make іс faster,
probably, too.) But after a sip we
think you'll agree: there’s something
special about whiskey that comes

from the hills.

SMOOTH SIPPIN'
TENNESSEE WHISKEY

Tennessee Whiskey=80-90 ProofeDistilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery
Lem Motlow, Proprietor, Route 1. Lynchburg (Pop. 361). Tennessee 37352

THE
BITTER
TRUTH

DESIRE CAN BE

A BLESSING

KNOWLEDGE OF IT

CAN PROVE A CURSE

fiction

By ISAAC BASHEVIS SINGER

mus IS A STORY of two Warsaw youths—Zeinvel and

Shmerl, both of them workers in a tailor shop.

Shmerl was short, chubby and had a round face and

brown eyes that expressed naiveté and goodness. He

was always nibbling on candy and cookies. He often
smiled and burst out laughing for no reason at all

Zeinvel was the opposite: tall, thin, with sunken cheeks and
narrow shoulders. His disposition was ойеп sour and gloomy. He
seasoned every morsel of food with a lot of salt and pepper and
washed it down with vodka,

As they say, opposites attract. Shmerl relished Zeinvel’s sharp
tongue, while Zeinvel found in Shmerl an attentive listener who
looked up to him with wonder. Neither one was particularly
learned, though Zeinvel knew a bit of the Pentateuch and Rasl
and could explain to Shmerl the articles and jokes published in
the Yiddish newspaper.

Needless to say, Zeinvel was more temperamental and more
eager for the favors of the fair sex than was Shmerl. But in those
times, it was difficult for a poor young man to find a woman,

ILLUSTRATION BY JOSE LUIS CUEVAS.

PLAYBOY

especially one of casy virtue. His only
resort was to go every week to a brothel
and for a gulden or 20 kopecks satisfy his
needs. Shmerl always reproached Zeinvel
for this light-minded conduct. First of all,
he might catch a discasc; and, second, it
went against Shmerl's grain to buy love;
he would never enter such a loathsome
place. Shmerl called himself a bashful
schlemiel. Still, Zeinvel tried many times
to persuade him to overcome his old-
fashioned modesty and accompany him.

Finally, Shmerl gave in. To summon up
the courage, he stopped off at a tavern
and gulped down a mug of beer. When
they arrived at the house and the door
was opened, Shmer recoiled and ran
away. He had gouten a glimpse of heavily
made-up women dressed in glaring col-
ors: red, green and blue stockings at-
tached to lace garter belts. He inhaled an
offensive odor and ran away with such
speed that it was a miracle he didn't trip
over his own feet. Later, when they met
in the soup kitchen for dinner, Zeinvel
scolded him.

Why did you run away? Nobody
would have chased you.

“Shameless women like those nauscate
me. Don't be angry with me, Zeinvel. 1
have this sort of foolish nature and I al-
most vomited.”

“Nu, they are lewd, but they don't bite.
And we don't marry them. For the time
being, let them be of some use. . . . ИЗ
better than not sleeping at night,”

“You're right, Zeinvel, but I have this
silly nature. .. 7

“Nu, I don't bother you anymore.”

And that’s how it remained. Zeinvel
continued to go to the whorchouse every
week. Shmerl admitted to Zeinvel that he
often envied him, but he would never
again try to scek pleasure from those
wanton females. He would rather perish.

When the war between Russia and
Germany broke out 1914, the two
friends were separated. Zeinvel was mo-
bilized and Shmerl got а blue card of
rejection because he failed to pass the
physical examination. Zeinvel promised
Shmerl to send a letter from the front, but
soldiers were given few chances to write
or to receive letters. Zeinvel lost all con-
tact with Shmerl. He served in the Rus-
sian army until Kerenski's revolution
tock place, and then he deserted. Only aft-
er the Polish-Bolshevik war did Zeinvel
return to Warsaw and his tailor shop.
Many young men Zeinvel had known in
former years had died from typhoid fever.
Others had simply vanished—Shmerl
among them. Zeinvel tried to go back to
the old routine, but he had aged and was
exhausted. He had witnessed so much be-
trayal and depravity that he no longer
trusted any woman and had given up all
hope of marriage. Yet the need for a wom-
an could not be denied, despite all disap-
pointments. Zeinvel had no choice but to

return to houses of ill repute. He made
peace with the idea that this was his fate.

One day, as Zeinvel sat cating lunch in
the old soup kitchen, he heard someone
speak his name. He turned around and
hmerl, who had become as
round as a barrel. He was dressed like a
merchant and no longer had the appcar-
ance of a tailors apprentice. The two
friends fell on each other, kissed, em-
braced.

Shmerl cried out, “That I have lived to
sec this day means there is a God! I have
searched for you for years. I thought you
had already gone . . ." and he pointed his
finger at heaven. “You don't look well,”
he went on. “You've become thinner than
you were.”

“And you've become wider than long-
er,” Zeinvel said.

“Did you marry, by any chance’
Shmerl asked.

“Marry? No, I have remained a bache-
lor:

“Nu, thats why you look like th
Brother of mine, I have married and I'm
happy," Shmerl said. "I dont liv
Warsaw anymore; I moved to the to
Reivitz, and I'm not a tailor's apprentice.
You may think I'm boasting, but 1 have
found the best girl in all of Poland. There
is no other wife like my Ruchele in the en-
tire world. She is good, clever. She helps
me in the si Whatam I saying? She is
the whole business. There are no children
yet, but Ruchele is better than ten chil-
dren. What are you doing, Zcinvel? Are
you still going to those rotten whores on
Smocza Street?”

“Do I have a choice?" Zeinvel said.
“After all the wars and revolutions, there
is barely a proper woman left in Warsaw.
Nothing but used-up merchandise from
King Sobieski's time.”

“Really, 1 pity you; after having tas
ed a young and beautiful girl like my
Ruchele, you just spit on this wash
Оу, this is a miracle! T would never have
thought to enter this soup kitchen, but 1
was passing by and caught a whiff of
borscht and fried onions. Something
drew me The whole meeting was ab-
solutely destined!

Shmerl did not leave Zcinvcl's side un-
til the next morning. He took a room for
him in the guesthouse where he was stay-
ing, and they talked and pratiled latc into
the night. Shmerl told Zeinvel how he
had passed the war years in the provinces
and had met Ruchele there, and how it
was love at first sight. He had been a
worker long enough. From manual labor,
опе cannot become rich. One toils a lifc-
time and one is left with nothing, He sug-
gested to Zeinvel that he come to Reiv
and there, he and his wife could find him
a position and possibly a wife. He had
told Ruchele everything about him. He
had praised him so much that Ruche!
had become jealous. “Dont worry,

Shmerl said. “Everything will be fine.
She will be happy to mect you."

Zeinvel complained that his work had
come to the point where it was suffocating
him. He was sick and tired of the big cit
the heavy scissors’ and irons’ being a
slave driver over him, the constant grum-
bling of the customers. He could not find
опе single human being with whom he
could be close. What could he make of
himself here? He was prepared to travel
with Shmer to the end of the world.

Everything happened quickly. Zeinvel
packed his few possessions in a valise and
was ready for the trip.

They arrived in Reivitz on Friday aft-
ernoon. Ruchele was working in the store
and a maid was preparing the Sabbath
meal. Shmerl's house was clean, neat and
permeated with a spirit of rest that one
often finds with a loving and happy cou-
ple. The maid welcomed Shmerl and his
guest with a Sabbath cookie and plum
pudding. Shmerl led Zcinvel to the wash-
room. Zeinvel dressed in his Sabbath
clothing; he put on a fresh shirt and a tie,
preparing to meet Shmerls wife. He
didn’t have to wait long. The door opened
and Ruchele came in. Zeinvel took one
look at her and became as white as chal!
He knew her—she had been one of the
most sought-after harlots in the house he
had frequented. She had been known
there as Rachelle. At the time, she was a
young girl and was so much in demand
that the men lined up for her favors. The
other girls quarreled with her and cor
stantly argued with the madam and the
pimps. Rachelle was rare in the sense
that she took pleasure in her debased pro-
fession. She spat fire and brimstone on so-
called decent women. She laughed with
insolence and with such gusto that her
laughter shook the walls. She told stories
she had heard in other bordellos and in
prison. She was known among the guests
as an insatiable whore, obsessed with
men. So much so that they had to throw
her out of the brothel, Zeinvel had had
her quite a number of times. Thank God,
she did not recognize him. There was no
doubt that this was Rachelle, She still had
a scar on her cheek from being assaulted
by a pimp some years before. She had be-
come a little more plump and had grown
more beautiful.

Zcinvel was so shocked that he lost his
tongue. He trembled and stuttered. His
knecs buckled and he saw sparks. He felt
like running out the door, but he could
not do that to Shmerl. He soon came to
himself and greeted the woman as onc
grects the wife of a dear friend; she rc-
sponded accordingly. There was not a
trace of her former vulgarity. Even her
city accent had changed. She carried her-
self like a woman born and raised in a de-
cent home, friendly and tactful. He heard
her say, “Any friend of Shmerls is a

(concluded on page 138)

“I said, When do you think yowll win the lottery again?”

OP WCU

temptations back! feast your eyes on vanity fair

n our Sex Stars of 1979, we

predicted big things for

Canadian model D. D.

Winters. It took a while, but
eventually, she proved our point.
As alter ego Vanity, she snagged
a stint as Princes paramour and
as the sultry siren of Vanity 6,
a trio whose self-titled album
spawned the smash hit Nasty
Girl. Then came two solo
Motown LPs—Wild Animal
and Skin on Skin—and movies
such as 52 Pick-Up and Berry
Gordy’s fiery The Last Dragon,
in which she played a video
jock with an eye for singles.
“People are always saying to
me, ‘Dont move around so

much, just stand still? ” she says.

"But I have a lot of energy.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY PHILLIP DIXON

anity’s new movie, Action Jackson, is a thriller co-star-
ring Carl Weathers; she plays a coked-up chanteuse try-

ing frantically to derail from the fast lane. To prepare for

the part, the singer-cum—Method actress dived deep into

the sordid underbelly of L.A., talking to addicts and pimps ("They're drowsy
but real sharp”). “IS the best role Гус ever had—1 get to be funny, cool,
energetic. And I've got a lot of that crazy personality in me already.” The
film boasts her rendition of a steamy song, Undress Me. Its not a request she

usually has to make twice. “Pd like to say, ‘Hey, everybody, take your

clothes off and relax.’ I feel my most comfortable when I’m naked.” So we see.

fier falling for her at the American Music Awards, Prince dubbed her Vanity. “He's said to me that
we were each other in a former life, and I really believe that” Until recently, the king of her heart
was Mötley Griie’s flamboyant bassist, Nikki Sixx, who seemed for a time to be doubling on wed-
ding bells. “We definitely plan to marry within a year” Vanity told us when we first talked with
her in Rome, where she was
hosting the TV variety show
Fantastico. The next week, the
romance was kaput. But nothing
is very likely to slow the viva-

cious Vanity down. And shes

nothing if not versatile. “When I
go away to act, my singing miss-
es me; when 1 make an album,
my acting misses me. [ve just
always been on stage. I think
I'm a natural-born performer."
Although she feels that her two
careers complement each oth-
er—and although shes proud of
a newly expanded vocal regis-
ter—she doesn’t hesitate to play
favorites: “I think that at this
point in my life, Pm definitely

much better at acting” Vanity

“surrealist”

relaxes by рай

canvases, many of them brazen-
ly erotic. She also intends to
write her own film this year
and, she says, theres anoth-
er album in the works. What

about another movie? “Defi-

nitely" You read it here first.

ATTACK

FLYING HIGH IN POINTS
AND PROFITS, MICHAEL
JORDAN IS THE JAM
MASTER OF THE N.B.A.

personality
By MICHAEL KIEFER

HICH ONE is Michael Jordan?” the

businesswoman asked in a hushed

voice. She was shuffling through a

tour of the Multiplex, a private
sports club that doubles as the practice ground for
the Chicago Bulls. Jordan lounged against the
wall, wearing a white sweater with black polka
dots, listening to coach Doug Collins discuss game
strategy. When the tour guide pointed him out, she
squealed, “Oh, he looks so small!”

He did, actually; at 6'6" and 198 pounds, Jordan
looked almost insubstantial next to bruisers such as
Dave Corzine, 6'11”, 265 pounds, and Charles
Oakley, 6'9”, 245 pounds. He glanced nervously to-
ward the tour group, suddenly aware of the atten-
tion. Of course, hed brought that on himself. He's
only the second player to score more than 3000
points in a season (Wilt Chamberlain was the
first), he led the National Basketball Association
during the 1986-1987 scason with an average of
37.1 points per game, made the All-Star team in the
first four years of his professional carcer and helped
win a gold medal in the 1984 Olympics.

Even non-basketball fans know him as Air
Jordan, the man who defies gravity in television
‘commercials, acrobatically jamming a basketball
through a hoop. On court, he wears a scowl of

ILLUSTRATION BY BRALDTBRALOS

PLAYBOY

concentration, mouth open, tongue cover-
ing chin; when he gets his hands on the
ball, the crowd scrcams.

If Jordan is a wildly colorful on-court per-
former, he’s almost bland out of uniform:
no drugs, no up-from-the-ghetto success
story, no confessional books, no paternity
suits, no arrogance, no superstar attitude,
just a solid, quiet, regular guy inhabiting
а superhuman body. That seamlessness
of character has made Jordan an Ameri-
can hero and added $4,000,000 a year to
his investment portfolio.

.

Bulls coach Doug Collins stood court-
side at the summertime basketball camp
he runs at Concordia College west of
Chicago, watching Michael Jordan lec-
ture to his spellbound charges. When
asked if his campers really know who he
is, he has a ready answer: “Sure they do.
I'm Michael Jordan's coach.”

At a recent camp session, Collins’ most
famous player was defending against a
15-year-old in a game of one on one. The
kid faked left, went around Jordan and in
for the lay-up. The ball circled the rim and
dropped to the floor, but that was enough
to raise a cheer. The kid was a hero. He
almost scored on Michael Jordan.

“You got the other guy's shoes on and
everything,” Jordan joked, looking
askance at the kid’s Sauconys.

Next, Jordan shot and the kid jammed
him. “Your mom and dad up in the
stands?” Jordan asked; the audience
roared.

Kids like Jordan; they ring his doorbell
and wait for him outside his home in the
Chicago suburbs, they steal his license
plates, rifle his mailbox. His appearances
at shopping malls have caused riots.

There's a commercial in which Jordan
drives his Corvette down an inner-city
street, spots a couple of teenagers playing
basketball at a playground, stops his car,
smiles and walks off to join the game. Its
a fantasy sequence, and not because Jor-
dan wouldn’t do it—in fact, he has a
clause written into his Bulls contract that
allows him to play pickup games. But if
Michacl Jordan showed up on a play-
ground, even at midnight in a snowstorm,
every kid in town would soon be there,
too. Once, while visiting at Collins’ home
in Phoenix, he went out into the yard to
shoot baskets with Collins’ nine-year-old
daughter and 13-year-old son. "It was
about nine o'clock and starting to get
dark,” Collins recalled in disbelief, “but
within 15 minutes, there were 50 kids in
my driveway.”

Jordan's image is public domain; the
man himself is more elusive. At the out-
set of my attempt to interview him for
Playboy, ProServ, the Washington, D.C.,
agency that handles Michaels affairs,
hinted that he wouldn't want his mother

to see him in a publication that ran pho-
tographs of nude women. To argue my
case, I would chase Michacl down at the
Multiplex or in the Chicago Stadium
locker room after 2 game, and he'd say he
had a cold or he needed to concentrate on
the next road trip but that he'd do the in-
terviews, provided I set them up through
ProServ. Then ProServ would inform me
that Michael didn't want to talk; he had
his image to consider. Into the equation
went a lot of hamburgers and sneakers,
the kinds of things that kids buy because
their hero buys them. That brand loyalty
that even extends to Jordan’s weak left
knee. Collins offers the following illustra-
tion: “Want to go into my camp and sce
about 100 kids who wear the same knee
sleeve that Michael wears?”

But Michael had said he'd do the inter-
views, and if you can't take Michael Jor-
dan's word, whose can you take? ProServ
finally relented; then the problem became
Michaels schedule. Friday he'd be in
Wilmington, North Carolina, for a bas-
ketball clinic; Sunday and Monday, golf
at Pinehurst; Tuesday, a clinic in Peoria;
Wednesday, a P.G.A. tournament in Hart-
ford; Thursday, an outing with the execu-
tives of a Chicago corporation whose
products he endorses; Friday, he took off
for a University of North Carolina alum-
ni basketball game in Los Angeles. There
was no time left on the clock.

After Collins’ camp, Jordan planned to
drive to another basketball camp in Ra-
cine, Wisconsin, an hour or so away, and
I was going to ask if I could ride along
and do an interview. He flashed me the
$4,000,000 smile as I approached him,
put his arm around my shoulder—and
gave me the slip.

That evening, I heard that Michael
had turned his Corvette into the path of
an oncoming car, and after I satisfied my-
self that he had come out of it all right,
my first thought was: What a great sto-
ry—if only I had been riding with him.
My second thought was that it would
have been an even better lawsuit—wcar
a neck brace for а few months, moan in
court, and I'd never have to work again.
Admittedly, it was a hostile fantasy; but
by then, I had begun to feel like the only
person in the United States who didn't
like Michael Jordan.

Two months later, ProServs PR people
called me at seven o'clock on a Tuesday
evening and asked if I could go to Wash-
ington the next morning to talk with Da-
vid Falk, the man most responsible for
Michaels commercial success. And the
next week, I was to spend a couple of days
with Michael at the La Costa resort
north of San Diego.

So the day after Labor Day, I woke up
in an airy room overlooking the driving
range at La Costa. Michael was the first

person I saw as I walked up to the hotel’s
main lobby, where he stood waiting for
his golf partners, and of course he put me
off again, until five that evening. At the
appointed time, I was waiting for him,
but he wasnt waiting for me. After an
hour, I called his room, and his fiancée,
Juanita Vanoy, told me that Michael was
out. At seven, just as I decided to head for
the bar, the phone rang. “Hey, Kief,” Jor-
dan said, “you can come over now.

Adolph Shiver, a car dealer in Raleigh,
North Carolina, and lifelong friend of the
basketball hero, answered the door to
Jordan's suite. Juanita passed through the
room so quickly that I couldn't give a de-
scription of her today if a state trooper
tried to beat it out of me. And slumped
deep in a sofa, his long brown legs stick-
ing out of a blood-red terrycloth robe,
watching an old black-and-white cowboy
movie with the sound turned down, was
Michacl Jordan. After seven months, he
was minc.

As it turned out, I had caught Jordan
1g. Doug Collins told me this
about his off-season conditioning pro-
gram: “He has none. Hell practice for a
week and he'll be ready" And the diet of
champions? “Michael's the king of the
junk-food caters," said Collins. “The guy
is Chicken MeNuggets and Coke, Big
Mac on the bus to the game.”

When I repeated all that for Jordan, he
laughed a big silent laugh and slapped the
arm of the couch. In college, North Caro-
lina coach Dean Smith had sent him to
the weight room (not McDonald’s) to
bulk up, but Jordan had found the train-
ing painful. He quit. “То this day, they
believe 1 lifted weights all the time every-
body else was lifting” He grinned to
think ofit. “I just snuck around it.”

Michael Jordan does not work to get in
shape, he plays basketball, And in the off
season, he plays constantly and obsessive-
ly at golf, tennis, darts, pool, ping-pong.
At La Costa, I watched him film a syndi-
cated TV show with Roger Staubach,
and as soon as the cameraman paused to
sct up a shot, Jordan and Staubach and
Staubach’s son chased a football across
the resort’s manicured lawns and flower
beds. The day before, Michael had mer-
cilessly drubbed Shiver for 45 holes of golf
and two sets of tennis, placing bets on
each shot. “He don't like to lose,” said
Shiver as we watched Michael dive for
the football as though it were a gamesav-
ing catch.

As a kid with Michael in Wilmington,
North Carolina, Shiver remembered, “It
was football, basketball, baseball, sum-
mer baseball, then football again. On
Sunday, we'd go out and play basketball
at the local park. If they opened the gym

(continued on page 158)

“Theres little we can do, I’m afraid—it seems that farting
in company is only a venial sin.”

Ul

—F O R—

PRIMO

playboy tracks
the hottest
warm-weather
trends

fashion
By HOLLIS WAYNE
Part One

usiness
smarts: Power pinstripes on an ele-
gant navy background or subtle
plaids on beige—summer suits have
it made in the shades. Left: A dress-
toimpress wool double-breasted
power suit with hand-stitch detail-
ing, $1200, is teamed with a cotton
striped spread-collar shirt, $110,
and a silk tropical-print tie, $65, all
by Ermenegildo Zegna. Right: A
navy-wool-crepe pinstripe suit, about
$650, is paired with a linen spread-
collar shirt, about $85, and a silk-
and-linen-batik woodcut-print tie,
about $35, all by Bill Robinson.

lassic fabric-
ations: The double-breasted navy-
blue blazer (shown at left with
mock-tortoise-shell buttons) is con-
structed of lightweight wool, a soft,
easy fabric as enduring in its quality
as the jacket is in its styling, $425,
and is wom over a prewashed wrin-
kled-cotton striped dress shirt with a
straight collar and red accent stitch-
ing, $95, and a red-white-and-blue
fireworks-print silk tie, $45, all by
Hugo Boss; plum washed-wool
trousers with a quadruplo-pleatod
front and slashed pockets, by Lazo,
$200. Flair apparent: Pictured at
right are cool cottons and hot pat-
terns that help put the dash back
in haberdashery. Clockwise from 12:
A seafoam-and-white-cotton broad-
cloth striped dress shirt with a but-
tondown collar, $42, by Claiborne;
Paisley mint-green-and-brown over-
sized linen tie, by Lazo, $45; pastel
cotton-plaid tie, by Rooste, $15;
seafoam-green-silk tie with diamond
design, by Hugo Boss, $45; deco-
pattemed-silk woven Jacquard tie,
by Bill Blass Signature, $35; multi-
color-cotton striped dress shirt, at
six o'clock, by Ike Behar, $80; an-

tique-yellow linen shirt with blue

stripes, straight collar and flapped-
patch breast pocket, by Lazo, $120;
pale pink-cotton dress shirt with
framed navy stripes and spread
coliag from 1919 by Enro $40.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DOUGLAS KEEVE
AND JAMES IMBROGNO

atchless
style: Team a sports coat with non-
matching but complementary pat-
temed trousers. Left: An unmatched
suit is created when a silk-and-linen
paired with linen gingham-check
trousers, about $175, and with it, a
linen shirt, about $125, a silk fou-
lard tie, about $50, and a cotton
pocket square, about $25, all by
Joseph Abboud. Right: A sleek mod-
em mix. The finen jacket, $460, is
paired with gabardine pants, $170,
and a linen/cotton sport shirt,
$180, all by Ronaldus Shamask.

the monarch of live talk shows

TELL IT TO THE tells it all, uncensored. his

guests today: j.f.k., mel brooks,
laurence olivier, joe dimaggio,
don shula, lenny bruce,

By LARRY KING with PETER OCCHIOGROSSO Muhammad alí, mario cuomo.

news at 11

very pay of my life, from Monday to Friday, I
get to mect the most interesting people
in the world—writers, politicians, film
directors, historians, surgcons, lawycrs, profcs-
sional athletes, comedians, singers, psychia-
trists—and ask them anything I want. And I
get paid for it. On top of that, I get to talk to
callers from all over the country and tell them
what I think about any issuc from the Middle
East to the major leagues. Between radio and
television, Ive probably interviewed more
than 30,000 people and The Guinness Book of
World Records has determined that I've probably logged more hours
than any other talk-show host in the history of radio. It’s my world and
1 wouldn't trade it for anything.

I want to welcome you to that world now, to tell you some stories
about the great and the not so great, the talented, ше brash, die funny
and the frankly bizarre people who have passed through my profes-
sional, and sometimes my personal, life. They've given me plenty of
laughs, some sadness and a lot of surprises.

.

Of all the guests I've interviewed over my 30 years in the business, if
I had to choose my favorites by group. I would pick the comedians
But the problem with certain comics is that they're too safe, they're
afraid to offend anyone. Rich Little came onto my CNN show one
night just after we finished a segment on the PTL, and I asked him if
he did an impression of Jerry Falwell. He started to do a little Falwell,
| and then he stopped. I said, "Do you do Tammy Faye Bakker?”
“Shed be very easy to do,” he said, “but I don't do her."

“Why по?”
| “Well, vou know, people are very funny about religion.”
“And you don't want to offend?" I asked.
“Right. In my business, you can’t offend."
Well, of course you can. That's what puts comics on the cutting edge
This brings me to the subject of Lenny Bruce. When you talk about
comics who run risks, obviously, Lenny's name leads the pack.
I met Lenny when I was doing a disc-jockev show in Miami in 1958.
He came by one morning about seven o'clock and said, “1 really dig
ya,” and he invited me to go and see his show. When I got my show at
Pumpernik’s restaurant in Miami Beach, he used to come onto my
show all the time, Lenny would wear a prison uniform that a friend of
his had sent him from Raiford state prison, But Lenny wouldn't just
wear it, Hed ask cops for directions in it, and then he'd come onto my
show. We had a big picture window at Pumpernik's and we could sce
him out in the street, talking with the cops in his prison uniform.
Lenny would try to psych the cops by asking them for dircctions. He
had it all figured out: The cop knew he'd look like an idiot if he called
in and said that a guy in a prison uniform had come up to him on the
street, but if he let him go and the guy really was а con, he'd look even
worse. Then Lenny would come onto the show and do a monolog
based on what was going on in the cop's head. “I'm an idiot either
90 way,” the cop would be thinking. “What's (continued on page 150)

ILLUSTRATION BY HERB DAVIDSON

AN 3
INN е
$ JE

ri
|
pas

HE CHILD BRIDE of 1973 had no idea she
would be sitting in a chic Beverly Hills
restaurant in 1988. “When I got married, at
15, I still had braces on my teeth,” Eloise
Broady recalls. The marriage didn’t work; the divorce left her

peering at an ex-housewife in the mirror. “It wasn’t until then

that I realized 1 was pretty,” she says. “1 thought, Maybe it's

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

time to listen to all those people saying ‘You ought to be a mod-
ef’ or ‘You ought to be an actress?” She went to a “cattle call”
in Austin, two hours’ drive from her native Houston, and won а
part in the Kris Kristofferson-Willie Nelson film Songwriter.
Next came a gig as Kim Basinger's double in Nadine. A year
ago, Eloise took her ten-year-old son—her older son attends 2
prep school in Alabama—and went west to Los Angeles. That

GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

"| dont: go for one-night
stands. When there's
love involved, that's
when you want to

get down on your knees
afterward and say,
‘God, that was great!"

was step one. Step two begins now. This yellow-haired rose of Texas

wants to make her mark on her adopted home and make the folks back
home proud of her. “I have been a wife and a mother,” she says, watch-
ing Mery Griffin shop in a tony haberdashery adjoining the restaurant
where she sips cappuccino. “Now it's time for a little adventure.” She
steers clear of the fast lanc— "No craziness for Eloise” —and keeps her

sights set on her dream destination: Oscar night, 1993. “I know it’s a

"My sex life has been
great since | turned
30. lts really true
what they say about
women—once we hit
30, we start going a
little wild.”

lot to hope that a Texas girl could pack up and go west and onc day
win an Oscar,” she says, “but you've got to have a dream, don’t you?"
This dream exacts a price. “I was flying over L.A. the other day,”
she says, a Lone Star lilt in her voice, “апа it was beautiful—it seemed
to go on forever. But I had an overwhelming sense of missing Техаз—
all the land, the wide sky, even the cows. Once a Texan, always a

Texan, I guess.” Eloise’s Texas two-step continues—in Hollywood.

“Being in Playboy is
the biggest rush. I'm
completely excited.
But when people ask
about it, | say, You'll
just have to wait for it
to unfolc—literolly.' "

Ei
E

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

: WAIST: - 2 Sunes:
mom. I аш unten: LA

BIRTH DATE: DIED BIRTHPLACE:
AMBITIONS: LQ Lut Ad а у йы
2

he Yt

П 22724 PP 722 = А2 A

TURN-ONS: 292-246 MN AEE 4 УЛ Гал БУУ [N

СГ) LA AL (д Con Ao! AKAT To
TURN-OFFS: T En 7 AA VALAAN IVA ATAR
(LEO , 2£ ¿HAD

FAVORITE MOVIES:

FAVORITE WRITERS:

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in
the corner of the yard to shoot some craps. The
stakes were enormous, the tension palpable,

When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervous-
ly plunked down his entire wad, shook the dice
and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven
showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a
third die slipped out of his sleeve and fell 10 the
ground with the two others. No one said a word.
Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die,
put it in his pocket and handed the others to
Dutsky.

“Roll "em," Lucci said. “Your point is thir-
teen.”

The departing division general manager met a
last time with his young successor and gave him
three envelopes. "My predecessor did this
for me, and ГІЇ pass the tradition along to you,”
he said. “At the first sign of trouble, open the
first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
second envelope. Then, if problems. continue.
open the third envelope. Good luck.” The new
manager returned to his office and tossed the
envelopes into а drawer.

Six months later, costs soared and camings
plummeted. en, the young man opened the
first envelope, which said, "Blame it on your
predecessor.”

The next day, he held a press conference and
did just that. ‘The crisis passed.

Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.
The beleaguered manager opened the second
envelope. It said, "Reorganize."

He held another press conference, announcing
that the division would be restructured. The ¢

into his chair and opencd the third envelope.
“Prepare three envelopes . . ." it said.

Whats more dangerous than a pit bull with
AIDS? The guy who gave it to him.

Dit tell ya, Jeb,” Wilbur said to his friend, “the
tractor business ain't doin’ too well. I ain't sold

b replied
k when
she swatted me in the face with her tail. So I took
some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
down again, she kicked me. So I tied her leg to
the side of the stall. When I sat down again, she
kicked me with her other hind leg. So I tied that
leg ta the other side of the stall. And ГИ tell you
what,” he said with a sigh, “if you сап convince
my wife 1 was gonna milk that cow, ГИ buy a
tractor from you.”

Shortly after returning to Moscow from his sum-
mit meeting with President Reagan, Mikhail
Gorbachev was late for an important Central
Committee meeting and asked his driver to spe
up. The driver refused, explaining that he didn’t
want to exceed the speed limit, Furious, Gor-
bachev threw him into the back seat and got be-
hind the wheel himself.

Several kilometers later, a police car spotted
the speeding limo and pulled it over. “Go see
which of our beloved burcaucrats has broken thc
law," one officer said to the other, “and give him
a ticket.”

Within seconds, the policeman returned to the
squad car. "I can't ticket him; he's too impor-
tant.

“Who is he?" his partner asked.

=] don't know, comrade,” the poh
replied. his eyes widening, “but Gorbachev is
chauffeur!"

Isracli prime minister Shami d the Pope
to play golf. Since the Pope had no idea of how to
play. he convened the college of cardinals to ask
their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they sug-
gested, “make him a cardinal and let him play in
your place. Tell Shamir you're sick.”

Honored by His Holiness’ request, Palmer
reed to represent him. When he returned from
the match, the Pope asked him how he had
done. “I came in second," Palmer replied.

“You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?

No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did.”

With the end of the football season, a star player
for the college team celebrated the relaxation of.
team curlew by attending a late mpus
party. Soon a ivated
by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation
with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
“Oh, I ha
more att

¢ a three point eight, so Pm much
acted to the strong academic types than
to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
your G.P.A2”

Grinning from ear to
get about twenty-five ii
highway."

ar, the jock boasted, “I
the city and forty on the

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a postcard,
please, to Party Jokes Editor, Pl Playboy
Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ш. 60611.
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose card is
selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

e

¿ES

2500

172

sar ID,
0790
2277277

A AN ENES
REEL:
FH

“Were having a small celebration for Cynthia. Shes just had
her first Presidential candidate”

drag racing can be a fearsome business, unless you
like working with your butt strapped to a bomb

HE FLESH REMEMBERS. Long after the mind has put the fear away, some small,
visceral trigger—like cinching a seat belt across your lap—can bring it
all back: the murderous roaring, the smell of burning rubber, the nasty
taste of the fireproof hood where its bunched up into your mouth under
your helmet, the sweat in your eyes and, most vivid of all, the awful wor-
ry just under your harness buckle that in a few seconds, when all gallop-
ing hell cuts loose, you are going to forget some crucial little piece of business and
be dead.
The mind puts these things away for a reason.
The seat belt І was doing up when I suffered that rush of remembering was on
an airplane headed for The Drag Racing School in Gainesville, Florida. The airline
beltfelt like shoestring compared with the ones Fd worn — (continued on page 145)

article By CRAIG VETTER

ILLUSTRATION BY ROY SCHNACKENBERG

A L.dicrovs Speed

ї Q0 U E

$T 0 NS

HARRISON FORD

O asked whether or nat people said he
Oui them of Gary Cooper, Har-
rison Ford replied with a grin, "Nope" He
is a laconic guy with a legend all his own, a
Chucago-born former carpenter who has
starred in five of the ten top-grossing films
m history. He is Han Solo, galactic Gala-
had. He is Indiana Jones, bulluhip enthusi-
ast. Besides the radiations of the “Star
Wars" and “Raiders of the Lost Ark” ocu-
vres, his films include “Blade Runner,”
“Witness,” "The Mosquito Coast" andhiscur-
rent. movie, “Frantic,” a Roman Polanski
homage io the Hitchcockian thriller, played
breathlessly against a Parisian backdrop.
Ford lives much of the year on a ranch in
a Western stale whose name he prefers we
not disclose, though we suppose he won't
mind if we say that it is big, with mountains
and rivers and lots of sky. His second wife,
Melissa Mathison (who wrote "E.T."), and
his one-year-old son, Malcolm, keep him
company. Contributing Editor Bill Zehme
hied out onto the range to pelt him with
questions. Zehme reports: “We met mid-
morning in the nearest town, at the nicest
hotel, in a roomy suite, where Harrison
sprawled on a sofa, devoured a BLT,
spoke slowly and carefully and frequently
apologized for not being funnier I won't
soon forget his first words to me: "No matter
what the first question is, my answer is,
“Nineteen to go”

L

т.лүвоү: How аге we going to keep you
down on the farm, now that you've
worked in Paris?

FORD: It’s going to be a whole lot easicr. 1
don't enjoy cities as much as I do being
out here in the country. 1 don't speak

" French, though
hollywood's

that was not a real
{ it sta difficulty. The way
life is conducted
avoni В " there doesn't much
interest me. 1 find
тапш an the whole routine
whiperacker completely un-
attractive: eating

late, staying up,
snaps hack at smoky bistros and
all of that. It
screen heroes, doesn't have the

charm for me that
it might once have
had. On top of
which, 1 worked
every day. I failed
to recognize when
І first read the
script that I was in

SENSUOUS
hardware and
playing doctor

PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK HANAUER
HAND COLORING BY MAC JAMES

every scene. So I was very busy. What
time was left over was taken up with deal-
ing with the baby. We pretty much stayed
homc and managcd to live the kind of life
we live anyplace else.

2

т.лүноу: You're a new father again.
er two decades. What are you leari
about yourself this time around? Whats
your position on disposable diapers?
коко: Oh, I've got a lot more patience at
this age. I'm a lot more settled and con-
tent in my own life, and it's much easier to
deal with all of the frustrations and anxi-
etics of parenting. Malcolm is just begin-
ning to sleep through the night, though I
wasn't the one to wake up with him. I
don't have the required biological mecha-
nism to soothe him.

Disposable diapers? Oh, I’m all for
"em. There were problems with the first
disposables years ago, so I was ready to
go back to real diapers. I thought 100 per-
cent cotton couldn't be beat. But this new
generation of disposables has come a long
way. They wick away moisture from the
baby's skin, A cloth diaper could never do
it. Yeah, it's a miracle.

S

п.луноу: When you look in a mirror, do you
scc the top-grossing film actor of all timc?
ково: No, I see the idiot twin. I see the
stubble or the stuff on my tooth or the red
in my eye that I looked in the mirror to
see. I don't go looking in the mirror to see
who the person I'm living with is. No-
body sees in the mirror what other people
see—at all. None of us has any idea how
other people sce us.

4.

PLAYBOY: Still, we're curious: What docs
the top-grossing star of all time consider
a lot of money to have in his pocket? How
much do you have on you now?

rorp: Oh, a lot of money, а lot of money.
[Stands up and extracts crumpled bills and
change from hip pockets] Here we go. Гуе
got about 22 bucks. Not even. Eighteen
dollars and 38 cents exactly. See, money
is really only important if you don't have
any. I just don't have much to do with it.
Most of what I want is not a money issue.
I mean, when you're in a situation similar
to mine, it can buy you privacy—and
time. You have to pay for them.

5.

т.лувоү: Which brings us to this: Is being
an enigma a tough cross to bear?

FORD: [Startled] Am I an enigma? I don't
know; I've answered questions about
money and my home life without any visi-
ble discomfort. I’ve somehow gotten a
Teputation among journalists, most of
whom 1 haven't met, for being difficult.
But, you know, I just have a sense of how
far I want to go in defining myself. This
has nothing to do with a calculated effort
to be mysterious or anything else. More
than anything, it’s a natural reserve that
I inherited from my upbringing, though
‘even my parents are a little bit more volu-
ble than [ am

The confusion here is that people's idea
of me is made up out of those experiences
they have with me on film. And I will ar-
gue that I am more revealing on the
screen than I am in ordinary life. Maybe
it's more interesting to call me an enigma
than to see me as the relatively common
guy Lam. As I've often said, the most in-
teresting thing about me is the work that
1 do. The rest of it is pretty ordinary. Al-
most anything else would make a better
story, but you're stuck with this one.

6.

PLAYBOY: You've always been portrayed as
being extremely judgmental about your-
self What would you most like to
change?

Forn: [Sheepishly] I guess 1 am judgmen-
tal, in some ways. I know when I’m full
of shit. I know when I'm wrong. I know
when I’m bad. And I know that I could
be better in certain things. I'd love to be
more fit. I'd love to have more talents in
other areas. I'd love to have taken advan-
tage of the education I sort of slept
through. I'd love to be more clearheaded.
I'd love to be able to play a musical in-
strument for my own pleasure. I like the
sounds of a guitar, a tenor sax, a pian
My fantasy would be tinkling the ivorics
by myself on late wintry nights, just
mumbling the blues.

т.

PLAYBOY: In The Mosquito Coast, you dic
‘on screen for the first time. The movie did
disappointing business. Is there a corre-
lation? Did it occur to you that moviego-
ers might prefer you as an invulnerable
hero?

FORD: Heroes die, too, you know. I think
people enjoy secing a tear come out of a
rock. Its a miracle, you know? I'm not
content simply to do what people expect
of me. I mean, I think they just want to
see good movies. That particular charac-
ter is just a (continued on page 142)

ш

HAUTE
PIZZA

el^

food
By EMANUEL GREENBERG

say goodbye to the humble pie

o YOU sTILL think pizza isa
simple ethnic snack dis-
pensed at neon-lit storefront
eateries? Have we got a deli-
cious surprise for you. The
fact is, some very classy chefs
have been bending their vaunted creative
talents to the cause of pizza—devising
audacious new toppings for the plebeian
tomato-and-cheese pie. In the process,
they've altered the nature of this lusty
peasant nosh and given it haule dimen-
sions. For instance, at his esteemed Quilt-
ed Giraffe restaurant in Manhattan,
chef-owner Barry Wine serves a savory
wasabi pizza topped with tuna sashimi
Alice Waters, who may have initiated the
New Wave pizza school, dishes up a pizza
topped with caramelized onions, gor-
gonzola and chopped rosemary at her
legendary Chez Panisse in Berkeley,
California. Yet another noted chef-en-
trepreneur, Wolfgang Puck of Spago fame
in Los Angeles, lays it on with smoked
salmon, golden caviar and crime fraiche
The current infatuation with fancy piz-
za is not mere frivolity: 105 part of the
contemporary trend to lighten up, have
fun with food and challenge starchy tra-
ditions. Celebrated chefs approach the
unadorned pizza crust as an artist might
approach a blank canvas; only these Pi-
cassos of pizza daub the yeasty dough
with daring combinations of flavors, tex-
tures and ingredients instead of colors.

Pizza, of course, is an Italian creation.
According to legend, the classic moz-
zarella-tomato pizza was fashioned to
honor Queen Margherita on her visit to
Naples in 1889. To this day, the basic pie
is called a Margherita or a Neapolitan
pizza. Regional tastes in pizza, however,
are surprisingly varied. The aforemen-
tioned Neapolitan is a solid choice in New
York, while New Haven is the home of the
fresh-clam white pizza; California pizzas
demonstrate a nouvelle flair—with broc-
coli, eggplant and sun-dried-tomato
fillings; the fire of jalapeño and ancho
chilies warms up pizzas of the Southwest:
and pizza in Chicago means only one
thing—deep-dish pizza. This generous
deep-dish creation—introduced by two
Chicagoans, Ike Sewell and Ric Riccar-
do, at their Pizzeria Uno in 1943—has a
high rim, something like a piecrust, and
takes a lot more topping than the stand-
ard pizza

Pizza mania shows no signs of abating.
In fact, pizza seems to be taking over the
world and has become commonplace in
such far-flung cities as Tokyo, Hong Kong,
London, Paris and Auckland. Even Mos-
cow has a red-roofed Pizza Hut.

But all this does not help the domestic
chef who aspires to make serious pizza in
his or her own kitchen. Is it possible? The
answer is definitely affirmative—with a
caveat. If you're talking about the stand-
ard pies like (continued on page 139)

ILLUSTRATION BY EVERETT PECK

14

UR ANNUAL REPORT O!

ast year, someone somewhere decided it was

time to re-examine rock 'n roll. How else to ex-

plain brisk record sales not only for the Grateful

Dead but for such rebounders as George Har-
rison, Robbie Robertson and Smokey Robinson? Add
to that the high drama of CD releases by the Beatles
and Jimi Hendrix and the best rock movie of the year—
Chuck Berry Hail! Hail! Rock 'N' Ной, with sound track
produced by his fan Keith Richards. Remakes of old
hits made the rounds on
our tumtables: the Su-
premes' You Keep Me
Hangin’ On, now sung by
Kim Wilde, plus two Tom-
my James & the Shon-
dells hits from the Sixties,
Mony Mony, now by Billy
Idol, and / Think Were
Alone Now, covered by
Tiffany, the 16-year-old
who polished her act per-
forming at Southern Cali-
fomia shopping malls.

LL THE SOUNDS

‚A the crest of two waves rides California teen idol Tiffany (above). She clicked as
hoth Madonna-Wanna-Be and Sixties revivalist. What year is this, anyway?

HOT AND СОО!

Tiffany marks yet another trend—the Invasion of the
Madonna-Wanna-Bes, such as Stacy О, Debbie Gib-
son, Elisa Fiorillo (the vocal on Jellybearis Who Found
Who), Jody Watley and Pepsi & Shirlie. Judging from
Madonna's phenomenal success on record, on tour
and now in our Hall of Fame, frankly, can you blame
them? Meanwhile, the real Madonna was busy con-
tinuing the new tradition of rocking for charity by
helping raise millions for AIDS research with benefit
concerts in New York,
London and Paris. And
Huey Lewis donated
$225,000 to train doctors
in treating AIDS patients,
while Cyndi Lauper, El-
ton John and numerous
others worked in various
capacities to raise AIDS
money. Good going,
gang. For more about
the year in music and the
results of the Playboy

Music Pol, read on

PHOTOGRAPHY (RIGHT) BY ALBERTO TOLOT/ART BY RON KRISS. SCULPTURE (RIGHT) BY JACK GREGORY / PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEYMOUR MEONCK

scoring three
an arene-sized.

116

saluting 1988's playboy music poll winners

year—Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston and
Wnitney Houston. This pop diva wins top honors
in three categories. Meanwhile, Bono and Phil
Collins tally heavy pop/rock numbers and Sting's en-

Ñ о question whom the readers voted big winner this

semble snags the jazz-group prize. Alas, dear readers,
Sting says he's not very interested in jazz. This is what
he gets for hiring such high-grade jazzmen as Branford
Marsalis and Omar Hakim. Congratulations to Sting and
all of our winners, in pop, R&B, country and jazz, too.

Bottom:

Group—Jazz: Sting

Male Vocalist —R&B: Prince

Instrumentalist—Jazz: Herbie Hancock

Male Vocalist and Group — Pop/Rock: Bono and U2
Instrumentalist— Country: Chet Atkins

L— Pop/Rock, Rae and Jazz: Whitney Houston Male Vocalist—Jazz: Al Jarreau 117

ILLUSTRATION ву AL HIRSCHFELD

18

the greatest
achievements
on record—
and off

n this, the write-in part of the Music
Poll, the choices are subjective and
the field of candidates seems endless.
But, eventually, the wisdom of the ma-
jority emerges. This year's wise choices
are listed below. Thanks for your votes.

^
Best Dancer
Janet Jackson

Best Personality
Phil Collins

DAVE MARSH

ELECTION '88: Senator Albert
Gore is better known for his
wife Tipper's efforts to put PG-
type labels on rock than for
anything he has done himself.
Senator Paul Simon's wife once
supporled Tippers censorship
lobby and Jesse Jackson hos
preached against pop in the
Past. Jackson will be supported
by such block star as Aretha
Franklin, but will other pop stars
try to fit into the increasingly
conservative Democratic pic-
ture or decide to sit this one out?

Among Republicans, walch
Belinda Carlisle—her husband
5 Morgan Mason, an erstwhile
Reagan aide.

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

WORLD POP: Although | hate
to come on pie-eyed, and I do
see a shitload of сот in my
crystal ball, internationalism has
got to be the wave of the future.
At Its worst, this will mean the
world-pop equivalent of the
mush that regularly wins the Eu-

IH

Best Rock LP
The Joshua Tree/U2

Best R&B LP
Strong Persuader/
Reber Cray

Best Country LP
Storms of Life/Randy Travis

Best Make-Out Song
| Want Your Sex/George
Michael

Best New Age LP
Down to the Moon/Andreas
Vollenweider

CRITICAL TIPS

our five reviewers scope out what's next

rovision Song Contest. But at its
best, i'll mean musicians who
transcend boundaries and de-
stroy barriers without losing hold
of their own cultural specifics.
Paul Simons Graceland was a
worthy stab In this direction, and
the spate of indigenous South
African music released in its
wake Is а hopeful sign. Watch
the UK.-based Earthworks label,
which has Just picked up U.S. dis-
tribution on Virgin. Avantil
CHARLES M. YOUNG:
EXTRAVAGANZAS: Look for big
tours—George Michael, Mi-
chael Jackson and Bruce
Springsteen. But the biggest of
all may be the next series of
Amnesty International benefits,
slated to Include Peter Gabriel,
Sting and Youssou N'dour.
Expect Johnny Marr of the de-
funct Smiths to work with Bryan
Ferry, the Pretenders and Herbie
Hancock, who did the sound
track for the latest Sean Penn
movie, Colors. The biggest flim Is
likely to be the U2 concert

E YEA

Best Jazz LP
Duotones/Kenny б.

A

A
Best Rock Song
Dead or Alive/Bon Jovi

Best Movie
Sound Track
Beverly Hills Cop Il

movie. The next biggest could
be Malcolm Leo's John Lennon
project.
VIC GARBARINI

KENNEDY ROSE: Nashville's
Maryann Kennedy and Pam
Rose (Kennedy Rose) may be
the best American singer-song-
writer team of the Eighties. With
soaring harmonies, . gorgeous
melodies and a Mellencamp-
like electric and acoustic blend,
the duos debut should be a
4988 highlight.

NELSON GEORGE

MUSICALS OF THE NINETIES: |
still have faith that a union of
pop and video could spawn
some healthy kids. When I watch
Princes Sign 'О' the Times or Lit-
tle Shop of Horrors or even
Michael Jackson's Beat It video,
I can envision a new film musi-
cal of the Nineties, c type that
will be to contemporary music
what Singin’ in the Rain was to
Classic Hollywood. As George
Michael says, “You gotta have
faith”

Р
По BEST SE

we've totaled scores for each LP since
ast April. Here are the high scorers.

1 Otis Reddi Otis ir
ing/The Redding

Best Hair and Make-Up s
Whitney Houston. 2. Elvis Presley/The Complete Sun

3. Bruce Springsteen/ Tunnel of Love
Best Comeback Artist 3. Warren Zevon/ Sentimental Hygiene

Grateful Dead 5. Prince/Sign ‘O’ the Times
6. John Cougar Mellencamp/The Lone-
Best Music Video ce es
Girls, EC) 1. Tom Petty & the Heartbroakers/"Let
[йе Me Up (I've Had Enough)"
1. U2/The Joshue Tree
P 7. Less Than Zero (sound track)
M 7. LL Cool J/Bigger end Deffer
THE MINORITY REPORT
The write-in ballot, a cherished Best can " TV
linchpin of democracy and of mmercia
peser ates Phil Colins/Michelob
of responses from among our
readers—including the comedi-
ans. Just for the fun of it, here pet aii
= Best Driving Soi
Best pem ‚baren Here! Go. ri
Р J
Ei le уен
Best New Artist Best Undressed
Crowded House Samantha Fox

Recording

est Live
Live/ 1975-85/Bruce
Springsteen

Best R&B Soi
Smoking Gun/Robert Cray

Best Coi Son
peer Amen’
Randy Travis

Best Compact Disc
Sat Pepper Beats

ay leno,
the comedian who
owns a dozen mean
motorcycles and

a huge "55 roadmaster,

checks out—what
else?—little cars

with PETER FREY

RUNTS
OF
THE

DARWIN Was ONLY half right. Cer-
tainly, living things evolve, but so
do machines.

Consider the automobile
Eighty years ago, it was only a
buggy with a gasoline engine in-
stead of horses. Today, it is the
most sophisticated machine ever
put into mass production. Now, if
only Darwin were still around to
tell us why, as people are growing
larger, cars are getting smaller.

Clearly, they are. Compact and
subcompact cars, the standard
throughout most of the world,
have become a major force in the
US. market over the past 15
years. And the signs all point to
even more downsizing. These so-

called liter cars are now avail-
able, tiny little cars with
three-cylinder, 1.0-liter engines
(Chevy Turbo Sprint, Daihatsu
Charade, Subaru Justy) and
there’s more to come. In Japan,
for the first time in 20 years, the
subcompact Toyota Corolla has
been displaced from its top sales
spot by the Suzuki Alto, a micro-
scopic car powered (if that isn't
stretching the term too far) by а
550-c.c. engine. In this vision of
the future, the automobile is small.

Enter Jay Leno, star of stage,
sereen and the hot seat on The
Tonight Show and an honcst-to-
monkcy-wrench hands-on car guy.

“Ah, I sec the hors d'ocuvres
have arrived. Will the main
course be here soon?" he asks,
unfolding himself from behind
the wheel of his vintage Lambor-
ghini Espada and strolling like
some spit-and-polish battalion
commander down the line of 16
very shiny, very small cars as-
sembled by Playboy for his in-
spection.

“They look so cute all lined up
like that, like a series of Time-
Life books on cars. The only

LITER

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

122

problem is that if you want to send one back after the ten-day
free trial is over, you'll have to mortgage your house for the
postage

It is no accident that finds Leno doing vehicular stand-up in
the parking lot of the Playboy Building on Sunset Boulevard.
Cars, particularly big cars, have been a recurring theme
throughout his life. “I was a grease monkey at a Rolls/Bentley
dealership in Boston,” Leno told us. “And it was there that 1
was exposed to the cars that gave me such a case of the car cra-
zies that I had to go into show business 10 support my habit.”
Afier hitting the road to comedy and winding up in Los Ange-
les, he spent more than one long, lonely night in the back seat of
a 755 Roadmaster he still owns and calls, respectfully, Mr.
Buick. “I keep it around in case I ever need someplace to have a
formal dinner for seven,”

Leno's current stable, most of which he restored апа works on
himself, includes a dozen motorcycles of various vintages, the
aforementioned Roadmaster and Lamborghini Espada, a re-
cently acquired vintage Lamborghini Muira, a Morgan three-
wheeler and a beautifully crafted
replica of a legendary Sixties
sports car called a Cobra. With
such credentials, he seemed the
perfect judge to test the current
crop of pocket rockets.

Not that every car we chose to
test, and he chose to drive, was
the most high-performance mod-
el, nor even, in some cases, the
smallest. Some were two-seat
sports cars, some were four-door
sedans, and we threw in a couple
of four-wheel-drives, a utility
vehicle and a station wagon, just
for variety's sake. What we
wound up with was a cross sec-
tion of what the downsizing trend
in automotive evolution has deliv-
ered into new-car showrooms of
America.

After a day of joking and driv-
ing, a couple of close calls and
some tire-screaming hand-brake
tums into the parking lot that
left the attendant wondering if
his ticket shack was going to be
turned into a toothpick conces-
sion, the cars seemed to fall into
four categories that we'll call New
Age Slot Cars, Turbo Beefcake,
Lawn Tractors for the Masses

Also on tap arc race-car-derived double-wishbone suspension
and a more powerful fucl-injected power plant. The base CRX
engine is a 1.5-liter four-cylinder that produces 92 horsepower,
while the higher-performing Si motor is a 1.6-liter with 105 hp,
enough to let you indulge your most Mittyesque race-driver fan-
tasies. It might be a good idea to prepare your witty retorts in
advance, because, as Leno noted, “Get stopped for speeding in
this thing and the cop's first question is going to be, ‘OK, Kryp-
to, where's the meltdown?" "

Next on Leno's must-drive list was the Mitsubishi Mirage
‘Turbo. With the introduction of a turbocharged model in 1984,
the Mirage, also sold under the name Colt at Dodge dealers,
made a giant evolutionary leap from econo-box to a threc-
fourths-scale muscle car disguised as a three-door hatchback.
A four-door sedan is also available, but only with a 68-hp, 1.5-
liter, four-cylinder engine, while the Turbo model is powered by
а L6-iter that puts ош 105 hp. Both are available with a
standard five-speed manual or optional three-speed automatic
transmission, though, as Leno said, "Ordering a Turbo with an
automatic is like putting army
boots on a race horse.”

The Turbo hatchback is distin-
guished not only by the motor but
also by a sport-tuned suspension
(stiffer springs, shocks and sway
bars), turbo-boost gauge and an
add-on aero body kit consisting
of front air dam, rear spoiler and
side sills. The exterior is devoid
ol the large turbo graphics with
which many manulacturers fes-
toon their vehicles, but the inte-
rior makes up for it with
"'turbo-accented" upholstery fab-
ric and a large Turbo logo in the
middle of the steering wheel.

“My automotive sensibilities
were formed in an era when if
you had a Nardi wood-rimmed
steering whcel on your car, you
were hot stuff,” said Leno. “To
my eye, the steering wheels on all
these new cars look like some-
thing off a video game, and the
dashboards look like a GoBot
about to change into a laser-pow-
ered whirlpool.”

Moving down the line, Leno
slid behind the wheel of the
white-on-white Chevrolet Turbo
Sprint (that and red-on-red arc

and Maytag-Mobiles.

New Age Slot Cars: Leno defined this group with the com-
ment “Looking at these cars, you just know that they were de-
signed by somebody who owns a complete collection of Buck
Rogers comic books.”

Styling was the principal criterion for this category, which in-
cluded the Honda CRX Si, Daihatsu Charade, Ford Festiva,
Chevrolet Turbo Sprint, Pontiac LeMans, Mitsubishi Mirage
Turbo and the Nissan Pulsar NX. Principal among these is the
Honda CRX Si, the most overt bad-boy street racer in the
group. It proved to be Leno's favorite and, coincidentally, was
the only car in the group with an extra little window in the rear
end, just like Leno’s Espada. “Thi definitely a driver's car,
and I even like the way it looks . . . kind of like a one-tenth-scale
model of Devo's tour bus,” he sai

The CRX series has been redesigned for 1988, with changes
that include slick new styling that not only provokes envious
looks from other drivers but also lowers the already low 0.32
drag coefficient to 0.30.

the only two colors in which it’s
available). Built for Chevrolet by Suzuki, the Sprint is the
smallest car ever to sit in a Chevrolet dealer's showroom. It’s
made in only a two-door hatchback style.

The 1.0-liter turbocharged and intercooled three-cylinder
engine pumps out a healthy 70 hp. Leno felt that the engine
“sounds like Popeye humming Pagliacci, but it moves the car
down the road like Mighty Mouse on steroids." Loosely trans-
lated, it means that the Turbo Sprint can accelerate from a
standstill to 60 miles per hour in ten and a half seconds.

1n addition to the turbocharger and the intercooler, the Turbo
Sprint's capabilities arc enhanced by wider tires and upgraded
suspension, an add-on acro kit and dual tail pipes. “This is a
car you can drive as fast as you want all the time and never get a
ticket,” said Leno. “Paint a red cross on the side, put flashing
lights on top, and everyone will assume you're rushing to the
robot hospital for a battery transplant.”

Walking around the Nissan Pulsar NX prior to taking it for a
blast down Sunset Boulevard, Leno observed that “this car has

such a California look about it, you just know that the guy who
designed it still has his surfboard up in the rafters of his garage.
And he might even take it down and use it once in a while.”

In fact, the Pulsar is built in Japan, but it was created at the
Nissan Design International center in San Diego, which
accounts for the surf-modular styling. And it is the first mass-
produced modular automobile, made so by virtue of the
interchangeable bodywork in the rear. It can be converted from
а coupe to a convertible to a sta-

Ford was espousing a decade ago. Из dream was of onc single
vehicle that met every country’s regulations and could be sold
all over the world. What reality served up was a car built all
over the world, the Festiva. Gonceived by Ford of Japan, devel-
oped in cooperation with Mazda (of which Ford owns 25 per-
cent), the Festiva is assembled by Kia Motors, one of South
Korea’s leading vehicle makers.

Just 140.5 inches from bumper to bumper, the Festiva has 98.4
cubic feet of interior room, which

tion wagon, all with simple hand
tools and all without ever losing
its sporty character. Power is sup-
plied by a new, larger, 1.8-liter,
16-valve, four-cylinder engine that
puts out an enthusiastic 125 hp.

“What a clever idea,” Leno
noted. “А station wagon/sports
car so you can get to the country
club by tec-off time. Too bad I left
my transistorized golf clubs in my
other suit.” The SportBak sta-
tion-wagon module is a $925 op-
tion that led Leno to speculate
about future offerings. “Perhaps
a drop-in whirlpool bath so you
can unwind on the way home
from the office, or a portable
transporter so you could have
Scotty beam you up when you get
stuck in traffic."

BABY BOOMERS
JAY LENO'S SWEET 16

MAY TAG-MOBILES
Toyota Tercel
Volkswagen Fox
Hyundai Excel
Plymouth Horizon America

NEW AGE SLOT CARS

is a measurement you'd expect
from a car two fect longer. “1
hear AT&T is going to put out a
special edition,” said Leno. “It’s
the Clark Kent model, with dark-
tinted windows for people who
change their clothes in public.”
The engine is a frugal 1.3-liter
four-cylinder that puts out 58 hp
and, combined with the optional
five-speed manual transmission
(a four-speed manual is stand-
ard), gives the Festiva the lowest
EPA estimated annual fuel cost in
the Ford line—just $366 per year.
"Three trim levels are available,
of course, but they all ride down
the road оп rack-and-pinion
steering, front disc brakes,
MacPherson struts in front and
torsion beam in the rear. Pretty

And traffic tends to magnify Honda CRX Si much standard fare these days,
the virtues of a nimble little car, С Ri I but the Festiva has a smooth,
such as the new Daihatsu Cha- Mitsubishi Mirage Turbo willing personality that comes
rade. Daihatsu is the ninth, through when you motor briskly.
smallest and last of the Japanese Chevrolet Turbo Sprint As long as vou don't fling it into
auto manufacturers to enter the 5 the tums thinking sports-car
US. market. The vehicle it chose Nissan Pulsar NX thoughts, you can think fun-car
for the task is the Charade, one of Daihatsu Charade thoughts all the way from A to B.
the new breed of liter cars. Pow- ate arad Nor is Ford the only auto mak-
ered by a 993-c.c., 53-hp, three- Ford Festiva er with a world car sitting on the
cylinder engine, the Charade showroom floor. Pontiac is in the
went on sale December first at Pontiac LeMans game, too, with its latest deluxe

122 dealers in cight Southwestern
states.

The Charade has been sold in
70 countries for the past ten
years, so although it’s new to
these shores, Daihatsu (of which
Toyota owns about 15 percent)
has plenty of experience building
small cars. And it has identified a
new target market for the car: up-
scale young professionals looking
for a graceful way to unshoulder
the burden of Mercedes pay-

TURBO BEEFCAKE
Mazda 323 GT
Isuzu I-Mark Turbo

LAWN TRACTORS
FOR THE MASSES

transpo module, the LeMans.
‘Tales of the car's convoluted lin-
cage threw Leno into game-show
overdrive; “And now, for the
matched set of nymphets and
ап all-expense-paid weekend to
Plato's Retreat, give us the com-
plete history of this car in 25
words or less.”

Well, it was named alter a fa-
mous European race track, engi-
neered by Adam Opel Ag. in
Germany, built by Daewoo in a

ments. Or, as Leno put it, “I ex- Suzuki Samurai Korean town called Pupyong.
pect youll be seeing a lot Count "em, pal. Now, where are
of these on Wall Street in the near Subaru Justy those nymphets?

future. Do they make a stretch Yugo GV ‘The LeMans is available in a

version so the chauffeur has

two-door Aerocoupe and а four-

someplace to sit?”

Company officials claim the marketing plan is working, and
the Charade has some typically Germanic virtues, including a
two-door body style that is at once contemporary and conserva-
tive. It feels bigger inside than outside, and it feels solid, even at
speed. Although the current model does not pretend to be a
sports car, the multivalve, turbocharged GT Ti model, already
available in Japan (and doubtless soon to be available here), is a
sports car that does not need to pretend.

No pretense was involved in the "world car" concept that

door scdan, both powered by a
1.6-liter four-cylinder that puts out 74 hp. We're talking zero-to-
60-mph acceleration in the 13-to-15-second range and fuel econ-
omy of 31/40 (city/highway) miles per gallon with the standard
five-speed manual transmission, or 27/32 with the optional
three-speed automatic.

TV commercials for the LeMans are positioning it as an
ccono/sports car for the enthusiast driver, and it is appropriately
nimble on the road. But the particular virtue that sticks in the
mind is that it handles and rides like (continued on page 164)

NCE, IN a back street in Calcutta, a wheezing Bengali
snatched my arm and said, “You want Chinese girl?”

I had been hurrying to get a train ticket at Howrah. J had
promised to meet someone after that. It was midday, and the

124 humid heat of the Hooghly River penetrated the crowded city

By PAUL THEROUX

and made it stink, I had wanted to get everything done—my
ticket, my shopping, my appointments—and then head out of
there. The Bengali had caught me just as I had set off on what I
expected to be a busy day, in which I had no time to spare.
And yet, without the slightest hesitation, I abandoned all my

WHY THEY ARE
THE GIRLS

OF SO
MANY DREAMS

128

plans and followed this pimp deeper into the city in search of the
Chinese girl. 1 imagined her reclining on a couch in а large bed-
room of a rotting hotel. She would be young and pale, the color
of a wood shaving and just as thin, and wrapped in flimsy silk,
with the blue fumes of a joss stick perfuming her. I saw brilliant
red Chinese characters on the wall, and perhaps a tapestry, and
the Chinese girl smiling in the scmidarkness as I entered. She

would lift her hand from her breast and murmur and beckon

to me with the two-inch crimson nail on her forefinger.
The storics in those parts were well established. These girls

were ferocious in the strect, but in bed, they were slaves. They

began by giving you a soapy bath, and then they dried you and
massaged you or else walked up and down your spine naked
They made love to you by taking the active part, treating you as
some exotic being and producing rapturous sensations in every

part of your body. When you were exhausted, they pillowed

your head; and when you woke up, they brought tea and a cold
towel and pleaded with you to return.
But this Indian T was following seemed a little baffled by

these alleys and these crowds. He said he was lost. And then,

alter we had found the place, he slapped his forehead and said

that the Chinese girl was out for the day, but what about this

other one? She was Tibetan. She sulked in a narrow room on a

burst-open mattress. She looked lumpy and unwashed. 1 made

my excuses to the Indian and hurriedly left
Anyone who wonders why I was tempted needs his head ex-

amined,

d it was simply bad luck or Indian hyperbole that

deflated my hopes. Every man’s fantasies are uniquely

nator, it has

strangely his own, but if there is a common denom

something to do with the exoticism of the East—the beds in the
East are soft, and the women are smoother, nakeder, sweeter

and more willing. It is perhaps a dream of naked pleasure

PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEVIN ORPIN

PLAYBOY

inspired by the dusky and bare-titted im-
agery of countless South Seas specials of
National Geographic. But more likely, it is
the conventional wisdom that they do
things differently in the Orient. Nothing is
more tempting than the forbidden, and the
Oriental woman seems like a mythical
beast or a superior species of human de-
signed to give pleasure

All such fantasies are, I suppose, a
confidence trick you play on yourself—the
worst sort of self-delusion. But so what? In
the realm of the senses, nothing is what it
appears. It is no good saying that such
women may be shrewish, materialistic and
talkative—the aura, the whispers and as
sociations are what matters. What the C

nese woman does perhaps better than any
other woman is inspire a man—she sets his
imagination on fire by representing his fan-
tasies. And the great thing about fantasies
is that they are triggered by suggestion and
they happen in your head. Isn't most sex
single-minded and private?

The West has many forms of feminine
beauty: the cheerleader, the hourglass, the
nurse, the nympho, the pneumatic mother
figure, the surfer girl, the game-for-any-
thing groupie, and more—each one a dis-
tinct physical type. It is easy to imagine
what jobs they hold and how they dress. I
knew a man who was wildly aroused by the
expression bored housewife
pretty woman at an upper window hunger-

he pictured a

CES
IV OSE USELESS

FELT USELESS.

ing to be stuffed. It is probably an effect of
our multicultural upbringing, this non-Ori-
ental notion that beauty comes in all
shapes and sizes

Beauty in the East is one particular
woman. She is smooth and vaguely snake-
like, Her hair is always black and straight,
her fingernails long, her feet very small—
foot fetishism has always been popular in
China and it did not end when foot binding
stopped. She is always slim, even thin. Her
hooded eyes are always black, her суе-
brows narrow and her lips slightly fuller
than you would expect. She is nearly al-
ways small, but because she sets off her
erotic feet with luxurious shoes, she may
appear taller. Looking at a Chinese wom-
an, you understand why the Chinese eu-
phemism for a snake is “little dragon.”
‘There is something reptilian and not quite
human in her beauty.

I know there are one billion people in
China and that about half of them are
women. It is obvious that I am generaliz-
ing. But with a culture that is so old and
well established, so integrated and so like-
minded, it is possible to make certain gen-
eralizations with confidence. If you asked a
Chinese man what physical traits he valued
in a Chinese woman, he would describe
them by repeating the classical at-
tributes—black hair, small breasts and
feet, dark еуез, slim, submissive. There are
то Valkyries or cheerleaders in Chinese so-
cicty, and even Hong Kong and Singapore

SURE Т. AM, NOWADAYS, YOU
NOT ONLY BRING HOME THE

and Macao, which have been exposed 10
Western influences for well over 100 years,
have not evolved a different ideal. And yet
the mere fact that this Chinese woman is
predictable does not make her less desir
able.

The Chinese woman is never a mother
figure, and although she is sometimes
thought of as a slave or a courtesan, such
roles do not do her justice. She is altogether
subtler, even innocent-sceming. The
nese man usually draws his sexual sterco-
types from classical literature, mythology
and the imagery that is inscribed on old
bridal beds, all about penetrating the lotus
and discovering the jade. But this cl.
-the dragon lady with claws and
a cunt like a flower blossom-
from the Chinese woman a Westerner sces.

For one thing, she is seldom a woman.
Even a middle-aged Chinese woman looks
girlish, so what she represents is youth and
Vitality. She is obedient, she is lovely, she is
small and perfectly formed. I suspect that
for most men she is a daughter figure, an
incest fantasy, and that she illustrates in the
desire she arouses the breaking of our oldest
taboo. She is the opposite of the big,
raunchy bimbo of frat-house fantasies,
yanking her great flopping boobs out of her
blouse and saying, “Wanna play tele-
phone?" She never raises her voice. ‘That
alone is crotic.

The Chinese woman symbolizes silence.
That is her daughterly and submissive
quality. The only sound that you associate

hi-

creature
is different

BY BILL JOHNSON

FACE IT. T'M A LOAD YOU DON'T
NEED ME. FOR ANYTHING,

with her is a whisper of invitat

youth > a kind of agelessness—as a
matter of fact, most Chinese women have
n, like yellow velvet, and thick

tassellike hair. Her sensuality and obedi-

exquisit
ence allow us to imagine ourselves as domi-
neering and protective at the same time.
But th
this woman is in total control, e

it does not seem so. That is why it is like

is also part of the fantasy, because
though

sex with mirrors: The eroticism is calculat-
ed, but it is never obvious.

Perhaps with all this ancient wisdom of
the arts of lovemaking and the studious
working out of the physical ideal there may

of spontaneity. The sexual ritual

ht make some Chinese women cynical.

in all senses, they are the mis-

s of manipulation. But these are the
dramas of the sexual life. Itis never simple,
and the Chinese woman knows how to give
it tension. And it is frequently more than
sex is also pow-

ould a woman who has this effect

on a man not realize it? The Chinese wom-
an, I think, know
of a tremendous secr

that she is in possession
Her confidence and
self possession are also part of her sensual-
ity knows why she is attractive, she
may even emphasize her Chineseness by
making herself thinner, p: blacker-
haired, silkier, more slant-e
important to the Chincsc, and the natural
look is for tractor drivers. The very look of
a Chinese woman is an aphrodisiac
That look is described in the
Chinese pornographic novel, the classic
Golden Lotus (Chin P'ing Mei). This book
has been banned in China since the Ming
dynasty (1368-1644). Golden Lotus is a
woman who becomes the mistress of a
led Hsi-mén. This is
Her hair was

make-up is

eatest

horny young
his first glimpse of her:
as black
brows mobile as the kingfisher and a

в a raven's plumage; her eye-

curved as thc new moon. Her almond eye

were clear and cool, a

. Her fa

roundness of a silver bowl.
“As for her body, it w

flower, and her fingers as s

most inviting. had the delicate
as light as a
nder as the
tender shoots of a young onion. Her waist
was as narrow as the willow, and her white
belly yielding and plump. Her feet were
small and tapering; her breasts sofi and
luscious

“One other thing there wa
fringed, grasping, dainty and fresh, but the
name of that 1 may not tell. . It had all
the fragrance and tenderness of fresh-made
pastry, the softness and appearance of a
new-made pie.”

That is the Chinese ideal, the ultimate
edible woman

[у]

C198 Redken Laboratories, ln

IF YOU'RE LOSING HAIR,

EVERY DAY YOU WAIT
IS A MISTAKE

Finally, thinning hair no longer has to be
an accepted fact of life.
Redken—the hair care company built on
27 years of scientific research—
announces a breakthrough
formula for hair loss: Vivagen.”

Redken scientists learned that calcium build-up
causes the end of the hair's growth cycle.
As a result, Vivagen was formulated to reduce the
level of calcium deposits in the hair,
thus decreasing hair loss.

79% of those testing Vivagen experienced a
decrease in hair loss after just two months.
They reported “more hair,” “fuller hair,”
and the need for “more frequent hair cuts.”

It’s true there is no cure for baldness,
no restorative for lost hair.
But there is hope for thinning hair.

DON’T LOSE ANOTHER MINUTE.
CALL 1-800-542-REDKEN

You’ll learn where to find Vivagen locally.
Or ask for it at your own salon.

EASTFORWARD

FIGHTING PHILISM

get tired of seeing stories on TV about how women are being abused

and discriminated against—or haw they're evolving. Men have been

evolving, too,” insists Bob Berkowitz, 37, the Today show's mole-

issues correspondent. “We've been opening up, giving up power, but
that never seems to get discussed.” Berkowitz, however, discusses it relent-
lessly. “On TV, you still see a lot of mole bashing.” The prime basher, he
soys, is Phil Donahue. “Phil puts down men in a уусу you'd never dream of
putting down women or blocks,” says Berkowitz, who once called Don-
chue "the Benedict Arnold of our gender” to his face and dismisses gen-
der traitors as "Uncle Phils." "We're not touchy-feely animals, men,” he
says. "We rarely stop ond soy, "What's great about being с man?’ I
think we need to.” At home, Berkowitz cooks for his wife, combs the
country for man-interest stories, fights Philism wherever it reors its
hoory heod and still finds time to watch his beloved New York Mets. “1
still dream of ploying in the major leagues,” he says. Mets insiders
rote Berkowitz a long shot but say Donahue swings like o girl.

—KEVIN COOK

BENNO FRIEDMAN

LOUIE LOWE

|

|

| ile was not always good for comedian Loule
Î Anderson, 35. Once, the deft. deadpan and de-
| cidedly portly comic played a room full of Hells
L Angels. “I thought I was in big trouble, but I did
really well.” he recalls with a touch of whimsy Of
course, he admits to having made some minor alter-
ations in his act. “I did leave out all my kill-the-bikers
stuff,” he says with a smile. Since then, his career has
laken off. with numerous Tonight Show appearances.
a Showtime special and a co-starring role in The
Wrong Guys. a movie centering on a cub-scouts re
union. "We get in trouble with a murderer. and at the
end, our moms all save us,” he explains. Anderson
was the tenth of 11 children of an alcoholic tather "I
would say that 90 percent cf my family is crazy and
ihe other ten percent 1s missing." He does, however.
see a bright side to his past. “If Га had a normal
childhood. maybe now I'd be asking. 'Did you want
fries with that, sir? " -TOM NOLAN

JAMES SCHNEPE

PAUL GREMMLER,

DOO-WOP
GOES
HIGH TECH

|. this age of highly synthesized
sound, nobody relies on just the human
voice, and that’s one of the things that
make the Nylons, and their everin-
creasing success, unusual. They're an a
cappella group, but one with a hint of
controversy, as lener Claude Morrison
readily admits. “Were not so much a
cappella as rockappella,” he says.
"Some purists might argue that it's no
longer a cappella, because we use
drums. But where do you draw the line
between finger snapping and percus-
sion? There are no tonal instruments, no
piano, по bass; there's just us" “Us” is
Morrison. Paul Cooper, Arnold Robinson
and Marc Connors. Their sound would
amaze old doo-wop acts such as the
Chords with its techrical sophistication.
"Were using technology that wasn't
available back in the Fifties,” explains
Morrison. “Now we can use echoes and
twist our voices. But the human voice
hasn't changed and never will. People
can relate to our music, because it’s hu-
тап” — MERRILL SHINDLER

PLAYBOY

BITTER TRUTH continua fiom page 66)

“The wildest thoughts assailed him: Should he wake
up Shmerl and tell him the truth?”

friend of mine.”

That Friday night, they all three ate
the Sabbath meal. Although Zeinvel was
carcful not to ask any questions, she told
him that she was an orphan on both sides
and had worked a few years in a chocolate
factory in Warsaw. It was clear to Zeinvel
that she had chosen to put an end to her

ile life. But how had this come about? Did

she suffer some terrible sickness that shat-
tered her? Was it her love for Shmerl? Did
she experience some startling
to what he was going through tonight?
There was no point in racking his brains
r an enigma that only God or perhaps
death could solve. She was receiving Zein-
vel with a dignity that had apparently be-
come her second nature.

The two old friends talked half the night.
The rest of the night, Zeinvel tossed and
tumed in his bed. The wildest thoughts as-
sailed him: Should he wake up Shmerl and
tell him the truth? Should he leave stealth-
ily and run away in the direction of
Warsaw? Should he tell Rachelle that he
recognized her? He hoped that Shmerl was

t similar

e

o

most salacious strumpet he had ever
known! At this thought, Zeinvel’s body be-
came alternately hot and cold and he heard

his teeth chattering. Some perverse power
made him play with the idea of taking ad-
vantage of Rachelles problem for his own
enjoyment. “No, I would rather die than
commit an abomination like that,” he mur-
mured to himself. Dawn was breaking by
the time he fell asleep.

Both man and wife greeted him in the
morning: she with a glass of tea and he
with a Sabbath cookie, which one is al-
lowed to take before the morning prayer.

“What is the matter with you? You look
tired and pale,” Shmerl said to him. “Did
you have bad dream:

“Did my gefilte fish upset your stom-
ach?" Rachelle asked playfully.

And he answered her, “1 haven't eaten
such delightful fish since I escaped from
the Bolshevik paradise.”
to the synagogue, Zeinvel
erl, 1 want to ask you some-

"I knew when we met we were just right for each other!”

“What is dearer to you? The truth or
your comfort?"

"E don't know what you mea
simple Yiddish,” Shmerl said.

“Imagine that you were given a choice to
know the truth and sufler or to remain de-
ceived and be happy; which would you
choose?”

Speak

¢ speaking strangely. What do
you mean?" Shmerl said.

“Answer me.”

“Whats the point of tn
from it? Why ng me all this?
There was an article about it in th
Warsaw newspapers and they asked the
readers to express their opinions.” Zeinvel
said.

“The newspapers print all kinds of non-
sensc. Somconc may tell me that tomorrow,
God forbid, 1 will break a leg. What would
1 gain from knowing this beforehand?"
Shmerl said. “I would rather eat my Sab-
bath meal in peace and let God worry
about tomorrow."

Suppose someone came and told you
that you were not your father's son but a
bastard, and your true father was a dog-
catcher. Would you be glad to learn the
truth or would this enrage you?” Zeinvel
asked.

“Why would | be glad? People would
rather not know such an outrageous thing.”

“Nu, so that’s how it is," Zeinvel said to
himself.

“But why do you waste time with such
balderdash? Old bachelors and old maids
have nothing better to do with their time
and they dream up impossible events,
Shmerl said, “Once you are happily mar-
ried and you find the right business, you
wont pay attention to newspapers and
their silly garble.”

Zcinvel did not answer. He stayed with
Shmerl until Monday. Monday morning,
he announced that he must return to
Warsaw. АП of Shmerls protests and
pleadings were to no avail. Even morc than
Shmerl, Rachelle seemed u is on his re-
maining in Reivitz. She promised to lind a
fitting match for him and a lucrative busi-
ness. She went so far as to offer him a part-
nership in their haberdashery, since they
need of an experienced tailor and
^. Zeinvel could

h il people suffer

him with the ardor and devotion of a loving
sister. She besieged him to tell her the
truth: Why was he so eager to return to
Warsaw? Was it because of a woman? Was
ping a secret from his best friend?
at he could not bear to
ption into which Shmerl
He was also afraid that h

ruin. All the powers of heaven and carth
seemed to conspire that he go back to
Warsaw and return to his tedious job,
neglected room and bought love, and to the
loneliness of one who is forced to face the
bitter truth.

— Translated by

Deborah Menashe

HAUTE PIZZA continues rom page 112)

“Barry Wine does a very nice mashed-potato, foie
gras and crisp-bacon pizza at home.”

those dispe
lors, frankly
bother. But if you crave something special,
a bona fide gourmet experience, go for the
homemade, by all means. Think of your
pizza as an open-faced sandwich and cover
the crust with your favorite tidbits —mari-
natcd squid, hot peppers,
prosciutto, whatever you like. Barry Wine
does a very nice mashed-potato, for gras
crisp-bacon pizza at home.

If you fear the crust, not to worry. The
step-by-step recipe that follows makes
rolling your own a breeze.

Now that you're hot for a gourmet-pizza
fix, review the pointers on pizza prepa
tion in the accompanying sidebar, Hot Piz-
za Tips, then proceed with the recipes.

Buon gusto!

sed at neighborhood pi

a par-
they are hardly worth the

baby chili

BASIC PIZZA CRUST
(Makes one or two 12-п. crusts or

three to four smaller crusts, depending
оп thickness)

1 envelope active dry yeast
Yo teaspoon sugar

1 cup warm w.
3-3% cups flour

1 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons olive oil
Dissolve yeast

(110° Fa

r in Vi cup warm
water. Let stand until foamy, about 10 min-
utes. Combine 3 cups flour and s
bowl. Stir in remaining water and olive oil.
Add yeast mixture and mix well. Transfer
dough to well-floured su

e and kn

for 10 to 15 minutes, until it's smooth and
If dough seems sticky during
kneading, add a little more flour. Put
dough in large, lightly oiled bowl and turn
to coat all surfaces. Cover bowl with towel
and let stand in warm place until dough
doubles in bulk, 1% to 2 hours. Punch
dough down, cover bowl and let dough rise
for another 30 minutes. Shape dough into
ball. place on lightly floured surface and
fatten with your hand

clastic.

Rol or stretch

ер ingredients from slid-
id bake pizza crust as indi-

SPAGO SMO}

SALMON
AND.CAVIAR FIZZ.
(Four small pi

1 recipe pizza dough

3 teaspoons minced chives

4 tablespoons extra-virgin olive
6 tablespoons creme fraiche or sour cream
3-4 ozs. smoked salmon, sliced paper

4 heaping tablespoons golden
1 heaping teaspoon black ca
Place pizza stone in oven; preheat to

500° Fahrenheit for 30 minutes. Knead 2

teaspoons minced chives into pizza d.

Roll or stretch dough into + 8-

Place pizzas on lightly floured peel (see Hot

Pizza Tips) and brush with olive oil to

within I in. of edge. Slide pizza crusts onto

stone and bake 8 to 10 minutes. When gold-
brown, transfer them from oven to serv-

g plate. (You may have to do this in 2

batches.) Spread each with créme fraiche or

sour crcam. Arrange slices of salmon over
cream. Place spoonful of golden cavi;

center of each pizza, then spoon a

black caviar in center of gold

Sprinkle salmon with remaining chives.

(concluded overleaf )

lingerie, unique
© bras, swimwear,
hosiery, shoes,
menswear and
accessories. Send
53.00 for a one
- year Ed ке
iption (10 issues) and гес
Ho worn of gift certificates with

your first catalog.

7. A fine collection of intimate
[apparel to help you create those
romantic moments. Our 40 color

vf exciting lingerie is

tiful models сог

11. 12, & 13. Videos, Color Photographs
sides ol Сайотчаз best modeling exci

кебей,
ing lingerie, sheer stockings. garte
pantyhose. raised skirts, full figure poses and an
Now Sexy Swimwear. Custom Creative Im-
ages: Catalog with over 100 photos is $5.00
(plus 3 future issues! OR Catalog, future в.
Sues and (jumbo 47 x 6") sample color prints
15 $10.00. All new for 1988. à
LINGERIE VIDEO —A preview of 10beau-
tik models in sensuous lingerie, wilh ex-
cerpts from their videos & Photographs Т

how. $14.65.

x x x Showcase

(ND FANCY FREE, Sail a tall ship to
ind. Your fantasies come rue
Love-Limbo WINDIAM-
$625. Send for

2, FOOTLOOSE А!
a remote Caribbean Islas
‘neath moonlite sails. Live.
MER style. Six romantic days from.

your adventure magazine FREE,
3. EXOTIC LINGERIE: California
[manufacturer offers the same allur-
rg satin and lace creations it sels 10

inesi department stores and bo

he е nc 30 lo 70% by buying
direct through is exclusive
mail order division,
ae jaranteed.

14, Your Fantasy в Reality at Michael
Salems Boutique. Our catalog fex-
tures Sensuous Lingerie. Corsets,
Carter Belts in Satin. Laces, Leather
amd Rubber, plus Wigs, Sileno
Heeled Shoes. Stockings and unusual
related items. Sizes Petite 10 Super
Large and Tall. New Exciting April 7
Catalog sent FirstClass discreetly, Send$7 on
Geduchble from fist order. For women and cross
Gressers. (Our name does not appear on

NEW YORK

Са
OM OF

MICHAEL SALIM
ENT. INC.

CORSETS
15. Enjoy the LE
hourglass figure in a Custo!
тозе Vianan Cont lace
trimmed satin, brocade, gar-
ment or metallic leather.
Color brochure and recent
Corset Newsletter from B. R.
CREATIONS for $7.50.

lingerie shopping Into a
Videologue VHS/Bela.

‚Check to the left of each f
| Enclose a check or M.O. for the:
| Beier ais Sar ope oa

139

PLAYBOY

мо

QUILTED GIRAFFE WASABI
PIZZA WITH TENA SASHIMI
(Four small pizzas)

The Japanese ingredients in this recipe
are available at Oriental markets or
gourmet food shops. Wasabi is Japanese
adish powder. To use, mix to a paste
ег and let stand about 30 minutes.

xture (see below)
4 unbaked pizza crusts, each 6 to 7 ins.
in diameter
Corn meal
2 teaspoons toasted sesame seeds (ap-
proximate)
1 cup finely
Y% cup finely shredded daikon (Japanese
white radish)
1 tablespoon shin mirin (Japanese sweet
sake, used for cooking)
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
Ya tablespoon soy sauce
% Ib. very fresh yellow-fin tuna, sliced
% dm. thick and cut in 24x?
rectangles
Place heavy metal ba
preheat to 450° Fahrenheit. Prepare was:
mixture, below. Assemble pizzas on рес!
lightly sprinkled with corn meal. Prick all
over with fork. Spread cach pizza with thin
coat of wasabi mixture. Sprinkle lightly
with sesame seeds, Transfer to preheated
baking sheet; bake 6 to 7 minutes, un
medium brown. Spread about
wasabi mixture on each baked
Overlap + tuna slices on one side

minute, toss carrot and
n mixture of shin mirin,
nd mound about Y
cup mixture opposite tuna and sprinkle
with sesame seeds.

Wasabi mixture: Bear together 6 oz
cream cheese, 5 ozs. ricotta cheese, 2Y ta-
blespoons shin mirin, 1% tablespoons each
wasabi paste, rice vinegar, white wine, 4
tablespoon fresh lime juice, | teaspoon salt.

n shreds

CHEZ PANISSE AROMATIC
GORGONZOL А AND-IOSEMARY
mzza
(12-to-H-in, pizza)

2 tablespoons olive oil
1-2 tablespoons butter

4 onions, thinly sliced

t and pepper, to taste

12-to-H-inch unbaked pizza crust

Y Ib. gorgonzola cheese, at room tem-

perature

1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh rose-

mary (or | teaspoon dried)

Place pizza stone in oven; preheat to
490° to 300° Fahrenheit. Heat 1 tablespoon
cach olive oil and butter in large skillet.
Add onions, sprinkle with salt and pepper
and cook over very low heat for about 1
hour, until brown and caramelized; add
more oil and butter during cooking if nec-
essary. Place pizza crust on well-floured
peel. Spread with onions, dot with crum-
bled gorgonzola and sprinkle with rose-
mary. Transfer to pizza stone; bake 12 to 15
minutes, until browned and crisp. Remove

“Andy Warhol said everyone will be famous Jor Sifieen
minutes. Maybe ГЇЇ get laid then.”

from oven
ground pepper

nd sprinkle with freshly

DAVIDS FRENCHLBREAD
SUITAKE-MUSHROOM PIZZA
(Two pizzas)
A terrific new kind of pizza from cookie
tycoon David Licderman of David's Cook-
ics, ice cream and now French-hread pizza
‘The dish is a favorite at Licderman's Chez
Louis restaurant in New Yor

1 crusty French-bread baguette, about
12 ins. long
tablespoons olive oil
tablespoon melted butter
tablespoon red-wine vinega
garlic cloves, very finely chopped
12 fresh shitake-mushroom caps, medi-
um size
% cup fresh tomato sauce or pizza
alt and freshly ground peppe
Grated parmesan cheese
Preheat oven to 450° Fahrenheit. Cut
bread in half lengthwise; brush each cut
side lightly with olive oil. In bowl, combine
remaining olive oil with melted butter,
vinegar and garlic. Add mushroom caps
and stir to coat. Arrange mushro
in single layer in shallow baking
Ке for 3 minutes; remove from oven.
Place bread on baking sheet. Spread cach
with Y cup tomato sauce and top with row
of 6 mushroom caps. Sprinkle each with
salt, pepper and parmesan cheese. Bake 10
minutes

auce
te

GREAT PERFORMANCES
FISSALADIERE
(Тао pizzas)
Pissaladiére is the French version of y
za. Great Performances is a premiere Man-
hattan caterer

1 she
dia

1 egg

1 tablespoon water
-3 ripe tomatoes,

8 anchovy fillets, slivered

cup pitted black olives, chopped

Freshly ground pepper

Preheat oven to 350° Fahrenheit. Cut
pull pastry sheet in half lengthwise. Trim
%-in. strip off edges of each half. Lay strips
on edges to make border of durable thicl
Prick all over with fork. Place pastry
ing sheet. Beat
and brush all over pastry,
including borders. Place tomato slices in
row inside borders, slightly overlapping
one another. Arrange anchovy slivers on
top of tomatoes. Sprinkle with chopped
olives and pepper. Bake 20 to 30 minutes,
until borders are puffed and brown. Cut in-
to pieces, serve immediately.

Note: Frozen pull pastry is av
supermarkets,

Pizza loves a party! Get some good beer,
good wine. good people and mix well. Add
a couple of pizzas cut in finger-sized
wedges and watch your party take off

(8" х 10"),

frozen pell pastry
ed (see note)

ilable in

HOT PIZZA TIPS <

For a chewy, yeasty, slightly brcady “ares, Beer N
crust, you want it on the thick side, Y "98 Franzia White infandel Cooler”

in. or so. Thick crusts bake a little

амы

longer at а lower temperature and а
commodate a greater load of topping.
.

Thin crusts are crisper, almost
crunchy. Roll or stretch them out to
about 1/8 in, thick. They b;
time at a higher temperature. Don't
overbal Il have a brittle, dried-
out pizza

с a shorter

б
Don't worry about symmetry of crust.

Moist topping ingredients should be
drained well before going on стим.
Otherwise, the shell may pick up mois-
ture from the topping.

.

All toppings should be able to cook
completely in 12 to 15 minutes. If they
cannot, precook them before placing on

—
crust (bacon, eggplant, fresh pork, etc.).

Pp SOS «
Dont ены the pizza with so FRANZI, \ a
many toppings that the crust cam A `
bake EAE G light a оу The Ultimate Wine Cooler

ingredients.)

. WHITE ZINFANDEL * CABERNET SAUVIGNON * CHENIN BLANC
For a quick-fix tomato sauce, use a
ready-made

or а thickish
spaghetti sauce, such as the Paul
man brand

.
Check bottom of pizza before remos-
ing from oven to sec that your crust is е
: ө

brown and crisp.
.

Sexually speaking, 1987

When topping a pizza д. leave a
ТЛ Arad ee Ecquis PLAYBOY PRESENTS „9:
ү: € was the year of Jessica Ё
° Hahn and Donna Rice. THE ü
If you're using a prepackaged pizza The year of Jim
cooper E о Bakkers PTL slide and YEAR IN SEX
baking temperature and time, since КОНЕ E of
: eb i
they may be different from those given was a year of erotic
in our basic pizza-crust recipe lehrer
. slips, in the most
А pizza stone is a round, flat, heavy surprising places. The

stoneware ba
heated in a
Fahrenheit), it provides the jolt of in-
heat that gives the pizza crust

ng surface. When pre- year everyone around
hot oven (450° to 500* the globe seemed to
have an Obsession with
one subject. And now
it's all here, in a wild,

proper crispness. A preheated heavy wacky, wonderful.
metal baking sheet or cast-iron griddle Playboy Special Edition:
can substitute for the pizza stone. The Year in Sex. Relive it

» TO ORDER BY MAIL: Send. WILD!
A peel is a long-handled paddle on S750 per con includes
which to assemble the pi

ш WACKY!
tha i pede o ||! WONDERFUL!

can be slid onto the preheated pan in Т eh Greve Weje
the oven, You can also build the pizza Perder аа $300 al

amount payable in US,
Currency on a US, bank

Sry. Ser, no omer AT NEWSSTANDS NOW

foreign orders can be

ve th

on the back of a baking sheet
peel or sheet a few shakes to ma

the pizza is not stuck before sliding it са
onto the baking pan

[m ee I — -—— m

PLAYBOY

142

HARRISON FORD continua fim page 111)

“Stalking the fair sex, Indy is artless. Remember where
he lassoes Kate Capshaw with his bullwhip?”

tough worm to swallow. People were con-
fused as to whether they were supposed to
admire him or hate him, and they couldnt
quite live with the fact that they were sup-
posed to do both

I've never really understood the concept.
of heroes. I dont have heroes. I guess there
was about six months when I thought
Hank Sauer of the Cubs was a pretty im-
portant person. And then I read about
Abraham Lincoln, and he was my hero for
a while. But 1 dont remember having any
from the movies. I don't know what
all about.

8.

PLAYBOY: What will we never see you do in a
film?
кок: T don't have any rules. I just try not

to be in films with a point of view with
which I'm not sympathetic, I'm not inter-
ested in films that have nothing to say. 1
cant say 1 wouldnt, for instance, play a
Nazi war criminal. I would do anything if
it made a good point, had significance. 1
haven't ruled out musicals, either. Maybe I
could be a musical Nazi war criminal

Its a thought.

p

pLavwoy: How do those toy action figures in
your likeness compare with the real thing?
Which has more movable parts?

rorp: [Laughs] 1 haven't really tried to
bend one of those little suckers. 1 don't
know; they probably lack а certain
atomical detail. To tell you the truth, I
dont think I've ever actually had my

"What'll it be, original or new crispy?”

hands on one of those dolls. Гуе seen them
They used to send me big boxes of Star
Wars toys as they were manufactured, but I
usually just gave the samples away, un-
opened. 1 know that it's supposed to be my
likeness, but 1 don't take it personally. 1
just don’t connect with it. [ mean, those
were Georges [Lucas] dolls, George's
movies. I just worked there.

10.

PLAYBOY: Tell us about the secret life of In-
diana Jones. What does he do between ad-
ventures? Explain hi у with women.
FORD: I have no fantasies in that direction
You'll be appalled at the lack of drama in
my theories. Indiana Jones, as I see him, is
currently reading the latest journals of ar-
chaeology, grading papers, trying to catch
the eye of the librarian and calling his mom
on Mother's Day—nothing very intriguing,
But if I were to imagine an off-screen life
screen Ше, I wouldn't
be able to play him with a straight face. So
Т have to think of him as a real person with
а real life.

As for stalking the fair sex, his approach
is artless. Remember the scene at the end of
Temple of Doom, where he lassoes Kate
Capshaw with his bullwhip? I guess he's
not a subtle guy. In fact, the only diffi
Tever have
berg] about these stories i the women
е no real weight. The love interest is al-
ways engaged in this bitchy kind of repar-
tee with Indy and then falls in a dead
1 never could understand

swoon for him
exactly why,

vravtov: Just how proficient are you with a
bullwhip?

ronp: [Slyly] I do all my own whipping. But
it’s not a skill I keep up between films. I'm
starting to retrain myself for the next one.
Its a bit like riding a bike. Once you've
learned the basics, you remember them, so
that you're not lashing yourself about the
head and shoulders as you do when you're
beginning. [ have bullwhips im various
lengths and practice with them on posts
and trees. Now it all comes п Пу
wrist action, you know. I must say, though,
that it was hard to find somebody to teach
me. Amazingly, there aren't that many ex-
pert hands with a bullwh

12.

VLAYBOY: As a notorious list maker, what's
r Current list of things to do?

At this moment? I have to get the
storm-window adjusters out of the local
hardware company. 1 have to draw up the
details for the sauna I'm building. | have to
assport. lm supposed to pick up
something here in town for Melissa, but
I've forgotten what it was, so I have to call
her and find out. Which is why I make lists
to begin with. It derives from a bad memo-
ry, a scattered brain. I love lists. Well,
what I really like is crossing stuff off lists

13.

т.лүроу: How would you explain to the
uninitiated the sensuous joys and wonders
ofa hardware store?

rop: Well, they're not what they used to
be. They're all bubble pack nowadays. 1
uscd to enjoy the places that had boxes of
nails and screws and various farm imple-
ments and machinery. [ used to be able to
go in and discuss with the guy behind the
counter the concepts and methods of doing
things: what item might best suit a project.
‘They used to know something about that.

These days, anything out of the ordinary
has to be tracked down and ordered. They
no longer sell good tools in hardware
stores. Most people have no use für good
tools anymore. "They'll mistreat and lose a
screwdriver before they worry about how
much temper there is in the blade, I sup-
pose that says more about a culture than it
does about a hardware store. We're living
in а disposable, replaceable, jerry-built
world.

There was a wonderful place near down-
town Los Angeles, Andrew’s Hardware. It
had five floors of hardware. It was heaven.
You'd walk in and smell that red or green
sweeping compound on the well-worn
wood floor. Gave it that woody smell. Now
it’s been replaced by a neighborhood Acc
store with those plastic packages of ten lit-
tle screws.

14.

AYbOY: Let's talk carpentry for a moment.
What have you built that you're especially
proud of ?

коко: Well, the piece of property 1 bought
here in the country had no buildings on it.
I put in a road, the electricity and water, а
workshop. a couple of other buildings and,
finally, the house. I really enjoyed doing
that. Pm. proud of most of the work that
Pve done for other people, of the houses
that Pve built. I was lucky enough to al-
ways work for people in Hollywood who
could afford to have quality work done. I'm
sure there will be some who'll feel terrible
but
Mendes, Joan Didion

1 did work for Sergi
and John Gregory Dunne, Sally Keller-

man, director Richard Fleischer, Talia
Shire. Steven [Spielberg] makes me go
over to the house he's constructing and tell
him how long it’s really going to be before
he can move at's the one area of ex-
pertise that he really values me for.

15.

PLAYBOY: Many have tried and failed. Сап
you describe the sound of a nail being
yanked out of oak?

коко: Green oak or dried oak? Green oak,
by virtue of being new and moist, would
be less audible. With dried oak, though,
its the classic screech. I don't do nail

PRIME EXTRA STRONG
Extra strength for extra
protection, with SK-70.

PRIME NON-LUBRICATED
The preferred dry condom.

PRIME SPERMICIDALLY
LUBRICATED
With nonoxynol-9
for extra protection.

PRIME TEXTUREO
Ribbed for her pleasure.

PRIME SNUGGER FIT

The tighter fitting condom
with SK-70 lubricetion.

PRIME LUBRICATEO

The originel —
lubricated with SK-70.

CHANGING YOUR ADDRESS?

Please let us know! Notify us at least 8 weeks before
you move to your new address, so you won't miss any
copies on your PLAYBOY subscription. Here's how:

1 Attach your mailing label from a recent issue in the
space provided. Or print your name and address
exactly as it appears on your label.

Protecting

Kod Yoursett ts PURE PLEASURE!
And Yourself Is

Now: we hear a lot about sexually transmitted
diseases, like herpes and AIDS, that can destroy your health,
esos he

The Surgeon General states. “ihe best protection against in-
fection right now, barring abstinence, is use сї a condom.”
And no One makes beter condoms than PRIME

PRIME* satisfies your preference for pleasure PLUS your
need for protection by offering 7 different condoms. Each is
electronically tested for reliability and comes in an airtight,
tamperresistant package for pocket or purse.

We're so confident you'll enjoy each PRIME” condom, we'd
like you to TRY ALL 7 FREE.

But dont wait! Use the coupon below to order now while.
Cur supplies last.

Tiny THESE 7 CONDOMS FREE! One Oner Per Housenoi, Please

à E ра
| Adam а Eve. 02572 52,

і
E:
1 H
ШЗ

ADDRESS
cry

Please send me 7 PRIME" CONDOMS FREE. Ive
‘enclosed $1.00 to cover postage and handing.

STATE

ү = == = ш ш ш ses
Name (please print)
L|
Address a
[| a Е
в су State 2р 1
nn в Ч „ы == mm mul

2. Print your new address here:

Name (please paint) -
Address
су Sate Zip

3. Mail this form to: PLAYBOY

P.O. Box 2007
Harlan, lowa 51593-0222

M3

PLAYBOY

imitations, but I do remember iı
kind of screech.

halting

16.

tavsoy: One of your summer jobs during
college was working as a cook on a yacht
Chicago. What were your specialties?
ror: Well, really, I knew nothing about
cooking at the time. My mom gave me an
old copy of Joy of Cooking, and I also relied
on the Chicago Tribunes reader service,
which was still in ex ce. Га call them
up and ask them whatever I needed to
know. Pd say, “This is Harrison again. T
know you told me yesterday, but how long
do you have to bake a potato? What tem-
perature?" The people I worked for were
heirs to the Swift meat-packing fa
all they ever wanted was dead cow,
way. They were very easy to fool. Unfortu-
nately, we were out on the water frequently
and Lake Michigan can get very choppy. 1
was deeply seasick most of the timc. In ret-
rospect, managing to cook under those cir-
cumstances was probably the most heroic
thing Гус ever done.

17.

‘The world may not be ready to
this, but can we have the sordid de-

PLAY ROY
hi

tails of your appearance on Love, American
Style?

aid they wanted me to pla
But there was no

me to £
tumer. Î was to report for work

Monday morning
I had long hair and a bcard, but the first
thing they did was ask me to cut my hair
and shave. | tied to explain that I was
playing a hippie, but they muribled some-
thing about “America inviting me into its

living room" and how we wouldn't want to
"offend." And 1 thought, Oh, shit, Pm in
trouble here.

But 1 carried on and went into wardrobe
They asked me to step out of the blue-

chambray work sl id jeans I was wea
ing and put on a navy-blue shirt with this
high collar with contrasting white stitching
on it and a pair of burgundy jeans made
out of some plastic material with a wide
white belt. They even had a scarf with a
little ring to put around my neck. And I

“You and your ‘first-date lectures’ on sex.
She blew him in the driveway!”

thought, Somebody has clearly made a mi
take here.

So, rather than argue with the wardrobe
people, 1 just put on these clothes and went
looking for the producer to point out th.
Га been miscostumed. | walked onto the
set and somebody directed me to a man
standing with his hack to me. I tapped him
on the shoulder and, when he turned
around, 1 saw he was wearing the same
thing 1 was. He was a hippie producer, 1
guess. A Hollywood hippie. At least the
check went through when I got p.

18.

m.aypov: Is it true that, сапу on, you со
sidered changing your name to Kurt
Affair?

FORD: Pd gone out to Hollywood from the
Midwest and was hired as a contract player
with Columbia, one of the last of that
breed. The studio guys thought my name
was too pretentious lor a young man. They
had an idea about remolding’ people into
what they thought the audience wanted to
see, | was sure that the mest important
thing for an actor was to hold on to what
was individual about himself. 1 just wanted
them to stop asking me about changing my
name, so, as an alternative, I suggested the
dumbest name | could think of—Kurt
Affair. They were understandably cha-
grined, Feel [rec to use it, by the way.
Motel registers, hing. Then again, it
may not be exactly right for motel registers.

19.

rLAYBOY: Un Frantic, your character is a
heart surgeon. Is this the first time you've
played doctor and been paid for i2 Learn
any useful medical techniques?

ron: [Chuckles] Yeah, this is my first doc-
tor. But this is a doctor who docs practical-
ly no doctoring on screen. 1 already knew
basic C.P.R., and there moment when I
do that. Still, I wanted to know what the
guy actually did at work. It seemed impor-
tant in order to better understand the char-
acter—even if it didn't show up in the film.
1 met with a couple of heart surgeons and 1
spoke with other surgeons about heart sur-
a certain degree of
y they have in their world that they
seem to want to take into the outside world.
Heart surgeons, especially, 1 found, are
among the elite of the doctor world. I also
found a certain elegance or vanity of ges-
ture that was common to these guys. Lots
of hand movements. | already gesture
enough with my hands, so that wasn't а
challenge. [Grins] Vm not a doctor, but I
play one on TV.

20.

т.лувөу: Have you driven a Ford lately?

токо: [Pained] Oh, God. Гуе gor a Ford
u ind a Ford truck. A serious
10 an unse on. You keep giving
me the opportunity to be witty and I keep
blowing it. My wit is spotty, you know?
[Chuckles] No fault of the messeng
Garcia

uswer

Ladicrous Speed (continued from page 108)

“Tt felt like Га been bound and gagged and sealed
in a plastic pod to die, I said.”

two years before, when Pd tried to drive
onc of the loud, slobbering monsters these
people сай Funny "There's. enough
irony in that name to shred your ear dru
from 100 yards away, and it's for sure that
whoever coined it had never popped the
clutch and stood on the gas in one of those
things, because that's the kind of experi-
ence that can blow the word funny out of
your vocabulary for а year.

Pig, I thought, as the jet took off down
the runway and pressed me gently back in
my seat

Not that I needed to be getting cocky
about it. I hadn't done all that well in my
first attempts to drive a Funny Car.
1 worked on it for five days and didn't even
get a full quarter-mile run for my efforts. Tt
ıt help that I went into mortal dread of

hine cvery time the pit crew started.
. Top-end dragsters like the ones we were
using can run a quarter of a mile in ap-
proximately six seconds. In order to do
that, they have to go from a dead standstill
to 100 miles per hour in just over one sec-
ond, which is less time than it takes to say
100 miles an hour. That’s a felony violation
of the law of inertia and it doesn’t take ad-
vanced physics to figure out that the
weapon you're going to be driving to ac-
complish this little crime against nature
isn't really an automobile. It's an explosion
dressed up to look like an automobile. So,
unless you're used to working with your
butt strapped to a bomb, there's some fear
to it

I got the big fright on me carly the first
morning in the garage while I dressed. The
car hadn't even been started. It was sitting
there, 2s quiet as a muscum piece, with its
white fiberglass body cracked into the open
position, showing off the monstrously beau-
tiful geometry of its huge engine.

“Around 2000 horsepower, 500 cubic
inches,” one of the crew said, as he helped
me on with my fire suit.

“That's big," I said, which is about as
to motor-talk conversations as 1 can
the numbers didn’t mean much to

go. But
me, at that moment, I didn’t need them
to be convinced that I was warming up to
do something serious. 1 was pulling on
fireproof long johns with a hood that cov-
ered everything but my eyes and nose,

heavy quilted pants and jacket, high sil-
vered boots, long silvered gloves and a
Darth Vader-style helmet that immediate-
ly cut my air supply in half and ted it
with the sharp stink of whatever it is that
makes this gear impervious to blowtorch
heat.

People don't dress like this unless they're

going off to flirt with something truly aw-

ful, I thought as E waddled to the car. 1f

there are beckeepers in hell, they dress like
this. I crawled up under the body and low-
cred myself into the tight aluminum bucket
seat. My heart went into a hyper trot as
two of the crew adjusted the accelerator,
the brake and the little butterfly steering
wheel to my reach. They fastened the wide
shoulder and lap belts and pulled until 1
was as small as they could make me, until
it hurt. Then they dropped the body and
locked it down, and suddenly all the air
was gone. For a few seconds, I thought I
might pass out. When I didn't, I forced my-

self to breathe slowly, evenly, and I looked
around. The massive drive shaft sat be-
tween my legs. The huge rear tires sat six
inches from my cars. The big chrome su-
percharger blocked my view out the wind-
shield. When the crew opened the body, 1
hit the harness release with my
climbed out faster than I should
then confessed that Fd almost panicked.

“It felt like I'd been bound and gagged
and sealed in a plastic pod to die,” I said.

“Wait till we turn it on,” said one of the
crew.

А

“The only thing we guarantee is that it’s
going to be harder than you think to drive
these cars properly,” Frank Hawley,
founder of The Drag Racing School, told us
in the opening classroom session before our
first exercises in the саг. 1 had absolutely
no illusions that the experience was going
to be casy for me, so I figured he was talk-
ing to my classmates. Both of them—an

“I now pronounce
you man and wife. Before you kiss the
bride, Donald, I think I should remind you that the laws
of this state specifically forbid the use
of the longue.”

м5

PLAYBOY

16

airline pilot from Chicago and a business-
man from New Jersey—were dedicated
amateur drag racers. They loved the sport
and, although neither of them had ever
driven anything near the size or power of
the Funny Car, you could эсс in their cycs
and hear in their voices that they were
gung-ho for the chance to test themselves
in the six-second machines. And because
Hawley knows that the two greatest illu-
sions among American males are, first,
that they are good in bed and, second, that
they can drive anything, he spends the first
hour or so his students trying to talk
the hot blood up out of their extremities
and into their brains, where it belongs.

“Driving a dragster is more a mental ex-
ercise than a physical one,” he said. “It's
not your reflexes that are most important
here, it's decision time. How fast can you
think? How aware are you? What kind of
judgment do you have? Your previous ex-
perience isn't going to mean much. These
cars are not like anything you've ever driv-
en, and if you don't believe me, that's all
right, because humility is self-taught
around here. If you are like most people,
when the engine starts, you will go brain
dead. The first time you try to drive this
car, it could go off at a 30-degree angle—
and you wouldn't know it.”

On that note, he cued a 20-minute video
montage that is to drag ra what mili-
tary sex-education films are to sex. We
watched as the 1812 Overture played over
clip after clip of dragsters vecring out of
their lanes into each other, going airborne,
slamming the walls, then turning into fiery
smears, the middle of which—you knew as
you watched—was occupied by a human
being who was all of a sudden just another
chunk of smoking shrapnel arching up out
of the blast.

Somchow, the cameras get to these guys
almost as soon as the safety crews. Incredi-
bly, nobody in this grisly video was killed
or seriously injured, which meant that
about the time these poor stunned bastards
staggered free of the smolderings and got
their helmets off, somebody was putting a
micropho: their faces, asking them
what had gone wrong.

“I dont know . . . got a little crooked,
but 1 thought I could get it back. Throttle
mighta stuck, I'm not sure . . . got some tire
hop, I think. Yeah, I’m all right. Hurt my
feclings more than anything else.”

Hawley wasn’t buying their explana-
tions. The truth about every disaster in this
film, he said, was that the driver could
have saved himself and his car by simply
taking his foot off the accelerator at the first
sign of trouble. He used the slow-motion
and stop-action buttons to show us what he
meant.

“Right here,” he

|, as the car on the
screen pulled just left in the first mi-
crosecond off the line. "You see that little
puff of tire smoke on the left side? He felt
that, and he should have known he was in
trouble right there. He thought he could get
back in shape, but watch what happens

when he corrects. Now look at the angle he's
on, and he still hasn't let up. Now he's side-
ways" We watched as the slow-motion
camera stretched two seconds to ten, as a
time-lapse fircball obliterated all sight of
man and machine. “And these cars don’t
drive sideways too well,” said Hawley, and
the way he said it told you that he had been
in this particular movie.

In fact, Hawley claims that his own car-
ly career was a model of recklessness. “I
was Rambo out there,” he says, “knife in
my teeth, bandanna, blood all over the
place. I hadn't figured out how to execute
the quarter mile yet, so I just attacked it.”

Frank Hawley started driving on his
fourth birthday, when his parents gave him
а gocart, which he raced around the family
farm in Ontario. Almost as soon as he had
a license to drive on the strect, he had a li-
cense to drive a top-fuel dragster. At 18, he
and a friend took a car out onto the circuit,
and for six years, they hoboed from track to
track. ‘They lived on beans eaten from cans
they'd opened with tin snips and heated
over welding torches. They fished through
the trash for castoff parts that still had
some life in them. And when they won a lit-
tle money, they spent it on what they'd bro-
ken. Listening to Hawley talk about those
brave and foolish days, you can tell these
are fine memories, full of so much laughter
and le-mindedness that you could
probably guess where the stories were go-
ing, even if you didn't recognize the large
ring with all the little diamonds that he oc-
casionally wears. It's less garish than most
of the Super Bowl and world-series rings
you see, but it symbolizes the same thing.
In 1982, driving a car called the Chi-Town
Hustler, Hawley won the National Hot Rod
Association Funny Car World Champi-
onship. And he did it again їп 1983.

“Remember this,” he told us just before
we stepped into the I06-degree heat of the
Florida morning for our first dry run.
“Make sure your right foot is attached to
your brain at all times.”

.

Its hard to say what your brain is at-
tached to as you sit behind the wheel, wait-
ing for the pit crew to start the engine for
the first time. There's a check to run.
through and hand signals to remember,
and the controls are arranged in a way that
makes perfect sense if you know what
you're doing and no sense at all if you don't:
Hand brake on the right and you have to
push on it, but whatever you do, don't pull
the trigger that’s spliced to it, because that
sets off the fire bottles in front of the engine,
which cost $250 to refill and you'll have to
pay for it . . . unless there's a fire, of course;
fuel shutofflever on the left; reverser handle
between your legs; parachute lever on the
roof over your head; gearshift buttons on
the steering wheel, which doesn’t look or
feel at all like the wheel on your mother’s
Buick but is, at least, where it ought to be,
as are the clutch and the accelerator.

Hawley stands out front and to the left of
the car, which is on blocks for the first exer-

cise. One of the crew hooks the heavy
starter to the front of the engine, while a
second gets ready to squirt alcohol into the
fuel injector from a plastic bottle. Then all
three of them look at your eyes as if they
were gauges, as if their lives depended
upon their seeing the right mix of fear and
focus in there, You nod, they pull the trig-
ger, Hawley plugs his ears and watches as
the angriest roar you've ever heard shakes
your bones and bowels, as his prediction
comes perfectly true under your helmet—
brain death.

The exercise was simple. On signal, we
were to release the clutch and give it just
enough gas to roll the tires forward, use the
brake to stop them, put it in reverse, roll
the tires backward, then put it forward
again, then gun it three times, so that we
could feel the short, delicate temper of the
accelerator. Simple. Except that nothing is
simple while your brain is awash in
adrenaline, while your body is reading ev-
ery sensation as a death threat. I never did
find out how many decibels there are in the
roar of a 2000-horsepower engine, but deci-
bels would be too clinical a measurement,
anyway. This noise hurts, promises may-
hem and draws the coward up out of you in
ways that need an carthier description than
will ever come out of a laboratory. If you
can imagine yourself surrounded by all the
Hell's Angels who ever lived, gunning their
Harleys, looking at your girlfriend, you'll
have some idea of the way a Funny Car
sounds and what it does to your heart.

By the time Hawley drew his fingers
across his throat in the signal that means
“Shut it off,” I was a mess. I was breathing
as though l'd run a mile, l'd sweated
through my underwear from hood to ankle
elastic, and along with my fumbling and
hesitation, I'd made a serious mistake by
using my right hand on the reverser, which
meant I had to take it off the brake. My
classmates hadn't done much better and
Hawley used the quiet, military style that
lurks just below his articulate good humor
to dress us down.

“I have to ask myself," he said, “if this
guy can’t follow a few simple procedures,
why would 1 send him down the k at
200 miles an hour?”

The car was taken off its blocks and the
body was attachcd for the next exercise,
which was exactly like the first, except that
now we were actually driving the car—a
few feet forward, a few feet back—which
meant we were working with the equiva-
lent of live ammunition. I'd expected it
to be a little less terrifying the second time
in the seat, but Га been dreaming. When
the body was locked down, there was the
claustrophobia to deal with, along with the
lonely sense that if anything went hay-
wire—stuck throttle, my hand off the brake
at the wrong moment—it was all going to
end badly somewhere in the piny woods
that flanked the track down past the finish
. E actually rolled through the whole
thing fairly smoothly. Still, my favorite mo-
ment in the whole business was when Г

ЛЕНИН БЫ AEAHHH

Lenin by Dedini

Lenin's poor old mother.

Lenin, in the quiet of his bath,
anticipates the rise of Soviet Yuppies.

LA

а Lenin, during an imaginary walk with Lincoln,
| p has a frank and substantive talk.

“Pm wired by the К.в." JY \ JPN

147

PLAYBOY

мв

pushed the fuel shutoff forward, the rpms
rose and then died, filling the air with
sweet silence.

"The last business of the afternoon was a
gentle drive-around, from the starting line
down the track to a turnoff at the first of the
escape roads, then back to the garage. I
ered the machine up to about 60 miles
per hour. It handled well and I probably
would have felt even better than I did
about it if Га had the throttle open more
than about one eighth.

.

When 1 arrived at the track the next
morning, the first thing I saw was the crew
forcing the spring-loaded twin parachutes.
into their packages on the rear of the car.
In the classroom, the first thing Hawley
said was, “Doing a proper burnout is prob-
ably the hardest thing you'll learn at this
school.

Burnouts are a crucial piece of drag-rac-
ing theater in which the driver pulls
through a puddle of water to the starting
line, hits the throttle and spins a driven
plume of white smoke off the rear tires, as
the car moves 50 or 100 feet down the track
in a kind of slow-motion power skid. The
purpose of the mancuver is to heat the tires
and the track; to lay strips of rubber on the
pavement, so that when you back up exact-
ly onto them, the car will have the perfect
adhesive traction of rubber on rubber and
can make a catlike start without any tire
spin at all.

It was going to take finesse on the accel-
erator, Hawley told us, and a lot of steer-
ing—small quick corrections, no big jerky
moves—to stay straight. “Its like driving
оп ice with full power at 100 miles an
hour,” he said, as he talked us through the
technique. Too much throttle can blow thc
engine. Too little can cause the tires to
caich and sling you right or left into the
concrete retaining wall.

I tried to take notes as I watched my
classmates try their first burnouts. 1
ducked away from the roar, watched thc
tires skinny up as they began to spin; I ate
the bitter white smoke, saw them let up al-
most immediately as they felt the force of
what was happening, then stop and back
up hesitantly, But I didn't get any of that
into the notebook. All I wrote was the
word FEAR on a page all its own.

Hawley had told us that it takes half
your brain to be afraid, and as I pulled my
helmet on, E thought, Yeah, and the other
half is entirely taken up with trying to find
an excuse for not doing this thing: stom-
achache, temporary blindness, loss of mo-
tor control, chest pains. Finally, though,
the only feeling worse than suffering the
fear is giving in to it, and maybe it's a good
thing, or else no one would ever have eaten
the first potato, much less let himself be
strapped into a machine like this.

The crew rolled me through the water,
started the engine, and I gave them thumbs
up. Hawley motioned me forward a bit,
then gave me the “whenever you're ready
signal and moved back. I sat fora long mo-
ment with my hands on the wheel. Then I

hit it, and a storm of sensation blew away
all thought as the car rose, filled with
smoke and moved slowly out, though it
didn’t sound slow or feel that way. Almost
instantly, some electric survival signal
pulled my foot up, the tires caught, the car
hooked violently lefi, then coasted 100
yards down the track to a gentle stop. I sat
with my hand on the brake, wondering if
I'd done everything I was supposed to do,
trying to remember what came nest. | put
it in reverse and backed slowly, using the
center line to guide on, A hundred feet
from the starting line, Hawley appeared in
front of the car and pointed his finger right
and left until I rolled onto the stubby little
tracks Pd left.

A while later, we stood over our crooked
tracks while Hawley read them like an In-
dian. All three of us had let up too soon,
and none of us had done any steering as the
cars squirreled off the line. In fact, Pd
spent my two seconds of panic with only
one hand on the wheel, though 1 had no
memory of that. As soon as I'd punched it,
my right hand had cvidently decided it had
business on the brake and went over there
by itself.

On my second and third attempts, | did
a little better at getting my various body
parts to do what my brain was asking of
them during the burnout: still short, still
crooked, but less timid. On the fourth try,
however, Hawley upped the ante by telling
us that when we backed into our tracks this
time, he wanted us to make our first start.
‘Take it about 50 feet out, he said.

I let up too quickly on the burnout,
again, but this time it wasn't reflexive. I
just- overfinessed it. I backed into my
tracks, pulled forward exactly to the start-
g line and made my final cockpit checks.
Then I watched the light tree: Yellow,
green — “Punch it,” I told myself, but the
message took a long, confused second to
get to my foot, and when I did step into it,
mind and body were out of sync, which
meant that when the almost instantancous
three-g force hit me, I pretty much took it
for the end of the world. The next thing I
knew, I was rolling to a stop. And I re-
member saying to myself, out loud, *Moth-
er of God.

“How far do you think your run was?”
Hawley asked me as | pulled my sh
body out of the machine.
bout 50 fee?”

Five feet,” he s

id.
.

‘Terror will do that, of course; make five
feet scem like 50. But even fear wears itself
ont by its own heat, and sooner than you'd
expect, even the most threatening experi
ences are returned to the cooler hemi:
spheres of the brain, where five feet is five
feet again, where the violence and the noise
are just the weather in this particular part
of the forest

The next morning, when I got into the
car, I was still afraid and I still made mis-
takes, but 1 knew what they were before
Hawley told me, and as my fear dwindled,
I began to feel the subtleties that lay just

below the fury of the machine. The natural
tendency to stomp on the accelerator and
wrestle with the wheel gave way to smaller,
smoother moves and the car responded as if
it had been holding out for me to stop
yelling and ask quietly. The time contained
in a second seemed to double and then dou-
ble again.

Hawley lengthened my leash run by run:
from 100 to 400 to 800 feet. And by my last
afternoon, I was jacked, ready for a full-
power, subseven-second, two-parachute
ride, and I think I might have had it if one
of drag racing's nasty little mechanical
spooks hadn't overtaken me.

My burnout was long and smooth and
straight, and as I pulled back and sat on
the rubber it left, 1 felt like the monster in
the monster. At the green light, I stepped
to it and the car blew of the line so
hard that it cracked my helmet into the
back of the roll cage and I lost sight of
track for an instant, but I didn't let up, and
three seconds later, I had speed I couldn't
believe . . . then, without warning, the car
shook so violently that I was sure it was in
the first seconds of an explosion. Every-
thing went white, my foot came off the ped-
al and a moment later, I was rolling
smoothly again, coasting. 1 crossed the
finish line at about 96 mph, with a timc
around ten seconds, having done at least а
quarter of the run without power.

“Tire shake,” said Hawley when I asked
him about it. "Happens sometimes. The
tires actually come out of round. Some-
times you can drive through it, sometimes
you can't. You did the right thing by get-
ting off i

.

It wasn’t so much a sense of failure that
kept me from writing the story when I got
back. Real failure always makes a good
tale. But what I'd made was a nice try, and
no matter how I worked trying to put that
into words, I couldn't keep it from violating
the wisdom of the theater that says if you

hang a gun over the fireplace in act one, it
had better go off in act three. Even if it
takes two years.

nd take
the course again. "Well get you a fast ride
this time.”

.

The school had prospered while I w
away. Nearly 300 students had left their
rubber signatures on the starting line since
I'd left mine. And there was new equip-
ment: Along with the Funny Car, there
were two gasoline-powered racers and an
alcohol dragster, the long needle-nosed car
sometimes called a rail.

“We're successful, but we're not getting
rich," Hawley said with an understated
sort of pride that seems to sign the book
contract and the movie deal with onc hand
while it knocks on wood with the other. In
three years, no one’s ever been hurt at The
Drag Racing School.

There were four other students in the

class with me this tim
amateurs, and they came
ture with a collective excitement that
would have burned like methanol if you
could have distilled it.

“If I had a wish, this was it,"
them told me.

After the fireball м
about the difference between fast and
quick. "Speed by itself doesnt mean
much,” he said. “You came down here оп
plane at 400 miles an hour, cat
Quick is something else, and it
necessarily have anything to do
with speed. Houseflies are slow—four
miles an hour top speed—but if you've ever
tried to catch one, you know they're quick.
And it’s the quickness you'll notice ii
cars. Takes a Camaro IROC
seconds to go from zero to 100 miles a
hour. A Lamborghini Countach, аго
ten and a half seconds. A dragster using
nitro for fuel will do it in right around one
second, and the driver will take a force of
six gs off the line. We use methanol in these
u're only going to pull about
there. But you will notice

“Ivll drive the goddamn blood out of
your eyeballs” I wanted to add, but |
n't. I expected to be rusty at best, and
ince I was going to be driving the rail this
time, I figured that I might even have to go
back through most of the fumbling and at
least some of the fear.

From my first moment in the rail, I liked
it better than the Funny Car. Its longer
wheelbase gave the ride a more stable, ar-
rowlike personality, and there was some-
thing reassuring about having the
behind me instead of in my face. Sitting
there in the open air with a clean sight
down the low, pointy nose of the machine
gave me a lecling that I was aimed at the
finish line in а way you just don't get at the
wheel of the Funny Car.

Then, too, I've always thought of the rail
as the no-frills pure-breed dragster. This is
the car Big Daddy Don Garlits and Shirley
Muldowney drive. The car that Joc Amato
highballed to a world record 282 miles an
hour in 5.2 seconds at the U.S. Nationals in
1987. And Amato had done more that day
than travel faster than any drag racer be-
fore him. He'd also come up with the best
description I'd ever heard of what this
sport has always been reaching for.

“We got this out of the movie Space-
balls,” he told a reporter the day he broke
the record. “When one of the funny-look-
ing guys said to the other guy, ‘We're go
na put it on warp drive, he said, ‘No. 1
don't want warp drive, I want ludicrous
speed? So every time we talked about go-
ing fast over in our pit, we said we're gonna
go at ludicrous speed.”

‘The class pretty much moved along the
same emotional curve as it had two years

опе of

со, Hawley talked

to serious depression as the burnout
up short and went crooked, as Hawley
flogged us for the mistakes that we kept
making. And since we reviewed all of our

came

exercises on video tape this time, no de-

nials or excuses were possible.

By the fourth and last day, things had
begun to gel for everybody, and the cama-
raderie that always springs up among pco-
ple who do dangerous things together led
to a conversation that ГА overheard my
first time through the course and that has
probably come up in every class Hawley
has taught.

“This is better than sex, no contest,”
said one of my classmates,

“At least as good," said another.

I couldn't quite make the connection for
myself, but it seemed like an inevitable and
harmless enough comparison. As long as
you don't start telling your troubles to a
dragster, as long as you don't finish with
your lover in

ix seconds.
.

The crows were in the pines discussing
things that last morning, and the wack was
a bleachy yellow in the hazy sun. A little
before my last try at a full run, I walked
the quarter mile, from the starting lights to
the finish line, and it took me almost three
minutes at an casy clip, the pace at which
human beings were designed to cover 440
yards. One of my classmates made his last
run in the Funny Car, and it was a good
onc. I was about ten feet from him when he
blazed through the trap and his air bubble
literally blew me back a foot. Even so, the
small birds on the wires above the track
didn't even fly, just swayed as he went by.

The things we adjust to, I thought as I
sat with one hand on the wheel, the other
on the brake, staged, waiting for the lights,
cager, happy, just exactly frightened
enough. I got off the line beautifully. I
everything—the wall next to me, the end of
the track, the blur of trees. 1 hit the shi
button 100 fect out, and from there on, all I
did was hold it straight and ride what felt

saw

like some huge, magnetic suck tide, Three
quarters of the way there, 1 took onc hand
off the wheel and got it onto the parachute
lever behind my right ear. 1 was going so
fast that only an act of faith kept my foot
down, and maybe the most unbelievable
thing about the whole shot was that when 1
crossed the finish line going something like
100 yards a second, the car was still acceler-
ating, still wanting more, and in that mo-
ment, I swear it felt as if we were пе;
some great rip in the universe the other side
of which the laws of physics don’t apply. 1
popped my foot up, jerked the parachute
free, and when it caught the air a second
later, it felt if the hand of God had
grabbed me by the collar. These cars slow
down quickly as they take off. Which
was just fine with me. I got on the brake,
and 200 yards later, I rolled to a stop, shut
the engine down and then just sat there in
the perfect stillness. Breathing. Tocs buzz-
ing. Thinking nothing.

Hawley pulled up in his truck about 30
seconds later. He had a big smile on his
face, and when I was on the seat n
him, he said, “I can’t wait to see how you
describe that feeling."
^m not sure there are any words to
bring back from that zone,” I told him.
ater, when he passed out our diplomas,
he said, “It’s always irritating when these
media types come down here and turn in
the best times of the week.” The little card
he handed me said I'd done the quarter in
7264 seconds, at 185,95 miles an hour.
Since then, of course, Гус had time to
put my run in some perspe 1 mean,
Joe Amato could have given me a two-sec-
ond head start and blown past me on the
finish as if I were the sound from the event
and he were the light. Still, ludicrous i:

ludicrous.

to

“For Petes sake! Relax and stop worrying about how much
heat we're losing up the chimney.”

149

PLAYBOY

TELL IT TO THE KING

(continued from page 90)

“We were talking about marriage. Lenny Bruce said,
‘Honey is the best blow job. That'll keep you home.”

the way out of this? Gotta do it the Ameri-
fella? See that cop down
there on the next corner? Go ask him. ”

Sometimes Don Rickles would be on the
show with Lenny and would wy to tà
sense into him, usually a lo
Lenny,” he'd say, “are
nna help your life, Lenny? Is this a
ajor thing in your life with the Raiford
uniform? Maybe itll get you beat up, and
then you can walk around the streets and
Is this gonna be a bit? Lenny, wear a
suit. Dress up, stand on stage. Make a little
money, take care of your mother.”

Lenny was not known as a conventional
joke teller. One time, when I had him on, I
decided to confront him about it. “Le
1 said, “one of the complaints about
that you never tell a joke. Everything with
you is a weaving of stories and insi
do you ever just tell jokes?”

Lenny said, “OK: Joke. One of the great
arguments of all time is between those who
think that human nature is shaped by ge-
netics (the way you're born is the way you'll
bc) and those who think its shaped by e
vironment (the way you're raised is the way

tion, *
this g

be

ту,”

youll be) This is a story that maybe
doesn't give you the answer but shows you
the complexity of the questi

“A family gocs to Yellowstone National
Park on vaca mother, father and
three children. On the way back to Los
Angeles, the parents look in the back of the
car and—Holy Jesus! They forgot the onc-
month-old kid. Hey, it happens. You gotta
clean up, gotta worry about Smokey the
Bear, so they left the kid.

“They're halfway home, and now heres
the dilemma. If they turn back to get the
kid, the father blows his sales meeting in
the morning, the monthly sales meeting f
the May sweep at the car dealership. Hell
never get that day back, but he can always
have another kid. They go on to L.A.
they leave the kid in the park, and the kid
raised by wild dogs for 18 years. One day,
one of the dogs, in a fit of logic, realizes
they've done wrong and that the kid doesn't
belong with them, so they leave him out on
a high ıd split. Now this kid, who's

ion

spent one month as a human child and 17

years and 11 months as a dog, is picked up
by passing motorists. The kid enrolls in the

University of Chicago, graduates Phi Beta
Kappa. Valedictorian. He's called the most
student in Chicago in ten years
and is hailed by the president of the univer-
sity as a young man with an unquestioned
nd—bam!—one day, he's killed
g a car.”

Pure Lenny.

Another thing 1 liked about Lenny was
that he was the first guy I knew who would
just say anything. Once, we were out to
dinner at Joc’s Stone Crab in Miami
Beach— was with my first wife, Alene,
three other couples and Lenny and Honcy.
We were all talking about the merits of
marriage and the subject came around to
what we liked best about our mates. The
rest of us were coming up with things like
“He has a great sense of humor,” or “I like
the way she thinks? Lenny sat there and
said, “Honey is the best blow job eri
ca 1960. “That'll keep ус
home,” he said. “Any time E think of stray-
ing. T think, She'll go down on
where, Please pass the cole slaw

Then there’s Mel Brooks. As a comedi-
an, Mel Brooks is in a class by himself: he
that special kind of genius that allows
him to get into a character and improvise.
On any given night, Mel might come ошо
my show and be, for instance, the 2000-
year-old man. He would find a way to fit
the character 10 the circumstances. Mel
was my guest the night the United States
put a man on the moon. 1 said to him,

" This was

STYLES VARY.

“We're on the moon. What a historic night
You're 2000 years old. How do you feel
about this?”

“Ah, 1 love the moon,” he said. “The

moon is my favorite thing in the whole

"For 311 years, I thought I had a
cataract. Опе night, a guy named Irving
said, ‘Isn't the moon beautiful tonight?
I said, “The һа?” He said, “The moon. I
said, “The moon? It's nota cataract?” ^

"Then 1 asked him if he'd known Moses.

“ helped him,” he said. “Helped him
get out of Egypt."

"How?"

“Moses had a speech impediment. He
stuttered. When he was standing in front of
the Pharaoh, it was embarrassing. There
was “Luh, luh, Huh, uh. So I hit him in
the back: "Let my p-puh-people go" He
died a hunchback.”

“He died a hunchback? From what?"

“From carrying the tablets. "Thou shalt
not’ alone was 83 pounds."

What 1 love about Mel is that you can
ask him a question that's impossible to an-
swer and he stays right in character. 1
asked him if hed been there the night
Christ died.

“Yeah, I was there,” he said. “I was on
the hill at the Crucifixion.”

How'd you feel?”
Terrible. 1 went home—couldn’t cat my
rice pudding. | couldn't eat it, couldnt

touch it, couldn't go near it.”

Out of character, Mel can be even fun
showed him a picture of my
his

nier. I onc
daughter,
is a curse.”

1 said,

haia, and he said to me,

“What do you mean, a curse?”
worst curse in the world is a pretty
daughter,” This girl is gonna
break your heart. With an ugly daughter,
they're always there: ‘Pa, whaddaya need?"
Saturday night they're home. ‘Whaddaya
need? Vll make you dinner, Pa.’

“PIL tell you another thing,” Mel said
"You got an ugly daughter, you don't need
a dicker to change the television c
nels—they get up and do it for you. They'll
sit there and they'll turn it all day long,
This one,” he said, looking at the picture,
“this one, you'll be ina nursing home when
you're 55 years old. She's gonna visit you
She's gonna come visit vou in the nursing
home, in a Porsche, with a guy named
Lance. Lance is gonna look out the window
the whole time he's there, with sunglasses
on, impatient. She's gonna lean over and
зау, "Don't dribble your food down your
chin, Pa— Lance doesn't like that."

All that out of one photograph.

.

If there's one person Га give anything to
interview, it’s Laurence Olivier. Гуе done
so many interviews about him, I’ve had so
many actors discuss him. that I don’t think
I'd ever run out of questions. Tony Randall
said he'd swim the Atlantic to work with

he said

him for free. Charlton Heston's biggest
thrill in show business was not the
Academy Award he won; it was completing
a scene with Olivier in the movie Khartoum
and having him say, “Great work, Chuck.”

Olivier is not a Method actor. He works
off a higher intelligence, according to An-
thony Quinn, who told me a funny story
about him. They were doing Becket, and

Quinn was really thrilled, because he was
working with Olivier amd because his
name and Oliviers were both above the ti-
tle on the marquee—which any actor
would kill for

“When you're an actor,” Quinn told me,
“you naturally assume that other actors
work the way you do, Rehearsals are going
very well, and 1 assume that Olivier i
ing back to his dressing room
Becket. Because I'm certainly becoming
the king, which is my role. So I'm tough to
live with the last two weeks, because Гус
become the king. I start to think about
what the king was like when he was a
child, what the king would have done the
morning of this scene, and so forth. 1 as-
at Oliviers doing the same thing,
ise we're really cooking in rehearsals.

“And now its opening night. And I am
as much the king as I can be—I'm 98 per-
cent the king. I'm sitting on the throne.
There's electricity in the house. Olivier is
standing next to me, and the archbishop is
stage center, making a speech, and I'm lis-
tening to him. Olivier is also listening and

QUALITY DOESNT

Michelob, Michelob Light. Or Michelob Classic
Dark. Whichever suits your taste, youre assured
of the very best. The worlds most expensive ingre-

Jor over

b Beer, Anheuser-Busch Inc, S Louis, Mo

dients, naturally brewed, with unsurpassed care
90 years. The Michelob family of beers
What they have in common isn't common at all

PLAYBOY

152

he will respond in about a minute.

“Suddenly, he starts tugging at my robe.
‘This isn't in the scene. I dont know what to
do. Has he forgotten something? He keeps
tugging. I lean forward and he leans over
to me and says, “Tony, where the fuck do
you get good English beer in New York?
‘The next minute, hes talking to the arch-
bishop, perfectly in character. I couldn't
believe it.”

PIL tell you an Olivier story that most
people probably don't know. Olivier w:
ally supposed to play the title role
The Godfather. He was all set to go, and
then he got sick, and they gave it to Marlon
Brando. Robert Duvall, who had secn
Olivier test for the Godfather, said Oliv
was incredible. He didn't put anything in
his checks, but he had a perfect Italian ac-
cent. Duvall said, “He had a sneer on his
mouth, with happiness in his eye.”

Duvall also told me what it was like
working with Brando. I asked him, “When
youre working in a scene with him, is he
the character or is he Brando?"

“That's a good question,” Duvall said.
"We're actors and we react off one another,
but we're sane human beings, too. We
know there are lights and a crew, and I

know thats Marlon and he knows I'm
Robert. So when he was acting in those
scenes, we all knew it was Marlon Brando.
Except sometimes."

I asked him what he meant.

"Sometimes he was so great,” Duvall
id, “that he was Don Corleone, and he
scared us. There was this scene where he
turned around and said, ‘No! We had sug-
gested something, and he was supposed
say no; but we all stopped cold—me,
James Caan, Al Pi

ino. We were fright-
ened to death: Corleone was mad at us. It
was because of moments like that one that
we all came to watch Brand
weren't in the scene with him.
Brando is a little out of it now, though.
Tommy Thompson told me a revealing sto-
ry about him. Thompson was a wonderful
writer who wrote Blood and Money and lat-
er died of cancer. Brando was his good
friend. Apocalypse Now had just come out,
and it was playing to wildly mixed reviews:
They loved it, they hated it. Meanwhile,
Brando was in Tahiti, Thompson flew to
‘Tahiti, Brando met him at the airport and
drove him to his place in a pickup truck
“I wanted to say something nice to
im," Tommy told me. “So 1 said, ‘Mar-

when we

“Aw, c'mon, now—do you really want a gay, hemophiliac
intravenous-drug user to bleed all over you?”

lon, I saw you in Apocalypse Now. You were
terrific’ And Brando said. ‘Is that the one
where | was bald

.

I would have to say that one of my favor-
ite politicians was Hubert Humphrey
Over the years, Ї got to know Hubert well
and came to love him for his humanity as
much as for his political convictions. The
last time | interviewed him was five weeks
before he died. We were discussing loneli-
ness and greatness and how the public's im-
pression of fame or greatness can be so
different from the private realization—as
we learned that Lincoln suffered from de-
pression or that Churchill, too, had mo-
ments of great despandency. Humphrey
told me he had checked into Sloan-Ketter-
ing just before the holiday season—they
had diagnosed cancer and were going to
begin treatment—and he called his wife,
Muriel, and said, “Go visit the kids. I'm
going to start this treatment. tomorrow
morning; I want to be alone and get a good
night's sleep. No sense your staying here.”

“So Pm in this private room in Sloan-
Kettering,” he told me, “and I pick up the
phone and call the switchboard. | say,
“This is Vice-President Humphrey. I'd like
not to be disturbed. Then I read a little,
and Гуе just turned off the light to go to
sleep when the phone rings. I say to myself,
Damn. I pick up the phone and it’s Richard
Nixon. Нез in San Clemente, recovering
from phlebitis, and he's all alone. He's all
packed to go spend time with the kids. And
we talk for two hours. We talk about old
times, we talk about cancer, we talk about
Watergate, We were just two old warriors.”

I was almost crying when Humphrey
told me that story. Here were two men
who'd run against each other for the Р!
dency in one of the closest elections in
American history, and who couldn't be
morc diflerent [rom h other. Now
nine years later; one of them is dying of
cancer, the other is out of office, in di
grace. And they're both alone, commiscrat-
ing with cach other.

.

1 was with Barry Goldwater at the
Republican Convention that nominated
Nixon to run against Humphrey. The Re-
publicans gave Nixon a party the nig
fore the nomination that turned out to be a
pretty wild night. We all had a lot to drink
and started talking about women, as men
do when they have teo much to drink.
Goldwater started telling stories about а
German girl hed slept with five or six
years before.

Shortly after Kennedy had been in Ger-
many giving his famous “/ch bin ein Berlin-
er" speech, Goldwater went over on a
fact-finding tour. He said, “There was this
German girl, a secretary from our em-
bassy, who was unbelievably gorgeous.”
He described a cross between Ursula An-
dress and Romy Schneider. “I was over
there alone for se ays
day—Barry did it" 7

spoke about himself—in the third person
low I’m back,” he said, ©; the
opposition-party leader, the perfuncta
courtesy ill on the President to d
cuss my visit to Germa the
supposed to hold a mini pres
the Rose Garden for ten minutes
into the White House, and Dav
in the Oval Office. Kennedy
comes out of the shower—Jack showered
four times a day. He had a thing about it,
showered and changed clothes four times a
day. Jack's brushing his hair and he looks
right at me and says, "You made her, huh?
You son of a bitch, you made her.”

* What arc you talking about? I say.

“Ursula.

“Ursula?

“Yeah, Ursula, The emba etary.
five goddamn days. I had Jackie
go shopping, I sent her notes. Nothing.
And you, older than me, with your white
hair, you made her."

“So | say, "Ном do you know?”

“Pm the President; how the hell do you
think I know?”

to

I walk
Powers

meets me

.

When Robert MeNamara, Kennedy's
Secretary of Defense, did my show, I said
to him off the air, “You all knew about the
women, didn’t you?”

He said, “Yeah, but it was a different
era.”

“How wrapped up
asked.

McNamara then told me this story about
Kennedy that took place at the height of
the Cuban Missile Crisis. “Khrushchev
had sent us two conflicting cables, the sec-
ond containing a proposal we could not ac-
cept. It was Robert Kennedy who came up
with the brilliant idea of sending a cable
back as if we hadn't received the second.
Kennedy’s cable put forward our proposal
and was delivered with a grim warning
that we needed a positive reply within 24
hours.”

So now, according to MeNamara, they
were wailing to hear from Khrushchev
And it was coming down to the hour, liter
ally, when Khrushchev had threatened to
start World War Three. People were ги
ning back and forth between the brich
room and the Oval Office, and there in
the office were McNamara, Rusk, the
Kennedys and the chiefs of staff. In the
middle of all this, a good-looking lady
walked in with a bunch of files and
dropped them on McNamara’s desk. John
Kennedy looked up, looked down, looked
up again, Then he said to McNamara,
“Who's that”

“She's filling in tod: Namara said
“You know, we're really swamped, so they
sent her over from Commerce.”

Kennedy leaned over to McNamara,
“Bob, 1 want her name and her number,”
he said. “We may avoid war here toni

.

Ted Keppel once told me a good story
about Henry Kissinger, It seems Kissinger
was flying to a major conference in Europe,

n women was he?" 1

and during the last hour of the flight
his aides was feverishly trying to get his at-
tention. Kissinger kept shooing him away,
telling him to be quiet and leave him alone
The aide looked more and more perplexed
and finally wrote out a note, which he
handed to Kissinger as he was about to
walk down the stairs off the plane. Henry
took the note and Ted watched him stop
the top of the stairs, look down and scc that
his fly was open. He zipped it up quickly,
and when they arrived at the conference,
Kissinger said to Koppel, “That boy is go-
ing far, that aide. Those are the things you
look for, Fed. The rest is bullshit”
.

I first met Mario Cuomo when he was
lieutenant governor of New York. He came
onto the show and told me he'd listened to
my radio show for years, Our friendship
grew from th

I love the stories Mario tells about grow-
ing up the son of poor immigrants—which
are no exaggeration, by the way. During
his campaign for governor, he told me, he
gota call from his mother: “Mario, are you
against capital punishment?"

“Yeah, Ma.”

“Mario, the whole neighborhood's for it
Everywhere I go, they're for it.
ell, I'm ag;

“ү

me to do, Ma?”

“Say you're for it,” she advised, “and
don't pull the switch.”

inst it. What do you wat

the:

We were up at the governor's mansion
onc night— Mario, Herb Cohe
and the butler came in about one ast and
said, “Would you gentle
aperitif before retiring?”

We ordered an after-dinne

and

nen care for an

drink, the
turned to

butler left the room and Mar
us. “Did you ever in your life think that
nyone would come over to you and say,
‘Would you care for an aperitif before
ing’? Franchot Tone had that said to him-
not an Italian from Queens and two Jewish
guys from Brooklyn. That ain't the comer.”
Mai

› has never told me he wants to be

President. We all guessed for him. One
night at dinner, there was a lull in the con-
versation, and out of the blue, I said to

him, “Mario, cut the bull. Are you gonna
run for Presiden”

“Nobody ever asked it like th
said. Then he added, “Larry, I don't k
how to tell this to you: Governor of New
York ain't bad. A couple of years ago, I was
working in the back of my father’s grocery
store. I'm the governor of New York. И all
fight, Larry. If [ never do anything else,
this is OK
Besides,” he added, "do you realize
that if I'm elected President, the summer
White House is in Rockaway

.

William Casey liked Cuomo quite a bit,
which shocked me. “1 met Mario at a St.
lumni dinner, wh
Casey said, ^I had
sation with hi
guy. Maybe I dont agre

w

great conver-

with him

. Marios my kind of

To introduce you to finest quality Protex”

brand condoms, we'll send you 10 free!
Send for yours today! Protex” brand
condoms are sold at drug counters
everywhere...ask for them by name.

Send $1.00 handling (cash, check or money order) to
receive your sampler of 10 Protex condoms featuring
&rouse* and an assortment of Secure”, Touch",
Contracept Plus* and Man Ferm Plus” to:

Nntional Sanitary Laboratorios, Inc.

7150 N. Ridgoway Avo., Dept. PB488

Lingolnwood, Minois 60645

Canadian residents send to: Bathurst Sales 125,
Norfinch Dr., Downsview, ONT. M3N 1W8. Be sure to
print clearly your name, address and zip code for
prompt shipment. Limit one offer per household.
Shipped in discreet packages. Void where prohibited
©1986 National Sanitary Laborato

You Can’t Re-fuse!

BIG SAVINGS on 10005 of items plus
FREE FIREWORKS with your order.
but you have to act now ...

before BLUE ANGEL'S hot discounts y
fizzle out! 7

+ Roman Candies + Soaring Missiles + M-98's
plus 1000's more ACTION PACKED ITEMS!

Get ABSOLUTELY FREE
the 1988 Blue Angel Color Catalog!
Call: 1-800/BLU-ANGEL U.S,
1-800/258-2643 U.S.

216/746-1064 In Ohio
Mention Code РВ4В for faster service

Or Write: BLUE ANGEL

PLAYBOY

154

everything, but I could like him.”

"What about George Bush?" I asked.

"Well," he said. “I'm not so sure Bush is
my kinda guy.

I asked him how he thought Cuomo
would do in an clection against Bush, and
Casey said, “Cuomo would murder Bush.
He'd wipe him out.”

“Youre kiddi
Cuomo over Bush
“No contest."

The conversation got around to politi-
cians’ weaknesses, and I asked him what
he thought Ronald Reagan's biggest w

asey said, "Ronald Reagan is
pable of firing someone, And
he's absolutely incapable of dressing some-
one down. He can get mad at a situation
and say, ‘What went wrong here? But be
could never call you into the olfice one on
onc and dress you down."

When David Stockman blasted Reagan's
economic policy in The Atlantic Monthly,
Casey was livid. He told me called Rea-
gan this morning and I 's got noth-
to do with me, it's got nothing to do
with the CLA; but this guy, Ronnie.
of a bitch. Hes a prick. Bury him.’ You
know what he did? Reagan called Stock-
man into his office, and as soon as he
walked in, he said to him, “They took you
out of context, right, David? They didn't

І said. “You'd pick

o»

print the whole thing. What you gave them
was good and bad in balance and all they
printed was the bad, right? I know the way
they work.” Casey was furious. Reagan
immed took Stockman olf the hook,
the whole meeting was relaxed and Stock-
man never got yelled at.

Other than that,

/ was a great ad-
mirer of Reagan; they were both hawks.
“But, Jesus,” he said, “you gotta lop guys
Г. S abbed us in the fuckin’
ats the way Casey talked:
- He lets them off the
hoa to be an ass reamer, Um
an reamer. Nobody likes to bust some-
one down. But Stockman? On your ass,
you're gone.” That's New York talking.
.

I became a baseball fan in 1944, when I
was ten years old. Baseball is a flawless
game, though fans of football, basketball
and hockey may argue with me. On the
other hand, the men who play it are any-
thing but perfect
ng Stan “the Man” Musial was
e of the biggest thrills of my broadcast-
ing career. He was the best hitter I ever
saw. When Roger Kahn was on my show,
we tried to explain what Musial meant in
Brooklyn as a visiting ballplayer We wor-
shiped him; our pitchers never threw
at him; and getting him out elicited a

“Quickie?!”

collective sigh of relief. He got his nick-
name in Brooklyn, not in St. Louis. Out in
front of Busch Memorial Stadi in 5
Louis stands a huge statue ofS
erected after his playi

asked him what it fc e to walk past a
statue of himself. He said, “Irs funny, but
when I'm going in to watch a game, I nev-
er think about it. But sometimes ГЇЇ be

night, ГЇЇ pull into the parking lot and
drive around it and say, "Holy Cow.
Stan's father worked in the mines
ra, Pennsylvania, and now here
probably one of the few people on с
have statues built to them while they were
sull alive.

If anybody in baseball had confidence
his abilities, it certainly was Stan the Man.
Joe Garagiola once told me a story that
proved the point. Garagiola was in the
dugout one day when Wally Westlake went
over to Musial a a tell

n Dono-

morning and my shower was perfect, the
bacon and eggs were perfect, li was а
beautiful day and my drive in to the ball

runs in ba
and I can't wait to w
feel it in my bones; 1
today. D'ya ever feel u

And Musial said,

ng practice. I'm in the line-up
Ik up to the plate. 1

gonna get three

.
incteen cighty-seven was the 40th an-
rsary of Jackie Robinson's

of the major leagues. Everybody
about how Jackie held in his anger at all
the racial slurs and physical abuse he had
to take as the first black in the majors
Jackie was a fierce compet 1
and not too many people talk about what
he was like once he had successfully broken
the color barrier and his competitive feel-
ings began to come out
Leo Durocher, the Dod
later went on 10 the Gi told stories
about Jackie off the air that no one would
have believed that we certainly
couldn't have talked about on the
“When Jacl

r manager who

5 cunt last
black guys,

Leo—the darker, the better:

Enos Slaughter told me a story that illu-
minates this side of Jackie as well as any-
thing 1 can recall—and 1 give Slaughter
credit for telling it like it happened, even
though he c guy. "I was
raised a and I never
played against blacks,” me. “I was
а segregationist, like everyone else.”

When Branch Rickey brought Robinson
up to the Dodgers, Slaughter said, “All of
me, ‘You're not gonna

n nigger, are
c Slaughter played against
Robinson, Jackie was playing first base.
hter told me he hit a ground ball to
Robinson and they raced for the bag.
ghter said, “I deliberately stepped

right on his foot. He got there first and 1
was out, but 1 could have stepped а
where on the bag. I aimed for his foot and
spiked him. Blood came spurting out. 1
walked oll and said to him, "Take that,
ger’ All ic said was, ‘I'll remember
that, He was in tremendous pain, but he
held it in, and I didn’t think anything of it
at the time.

“Two years later, in Ebbets Field, 1 hit a
single off the right-field wall and tried to
stretch it into a double, Robinson w:

ng second then. I went sliding i
took the throw from ‘the right fielder. He
made no attempt to tag me on the leg for
the put-out, which he could have done easi-
ly. Instead, he whirled around and
smacked me in the mouth with the ball in
his glove. Six teeth went flying, there was
blood all over me and I later had to have
gum surgery. As he walked away, Jackie
said, ‘1 told you I'd remember?”

Jimmy Piersall a great baseball
player, but he is probably going to be re-
membered more for his bouts with mental
illness, as memorialized in the book and
the movie Fear Strikes Out. Picrsall had a
funny line once. 1 was in the booth with
Jimmy and Harry Caray, when they were
the White Sox announcers, and the Sox
were playing the Orioles. So we were doing
the game together for a while, and a player
bunted. Piersall said, “I never would have
bunted in that situation.”

7 said Harry, “you're crazy.”
Piersall said. “I'm the only
s ball park with a certificate of
released from an institution
and I've got the papers to prove it.”
.

there’s Joc DiMaggio, one of the
ng legends. I had an amazing dis-
ion with him a couple of years ago. 1
had had Art Garfunkel on my radio show,
1 DiMaggio had heard it. He said,
show last night, Larry.”
inked him
he said. “I like those guys,
mond and Garfunkel. But I still don't
now what they meant in the song.” He
ing about the now-famous lines in
imon and Garfunkel’s hit song M.
Robinson: "Where have you gone, Joe
DiMaggio? A nation turns its lonely eyes to
you" and “Joltin’ Joc has left and gone

yı" Joe leaned toward me and sai
“I'm still here.”

I opened my mouth to say something,
but he held up a hand. “I know you're go-
ing to tell me it’s about how heroes are
are gone, I know, I aint
aid. "T was gonna suc. But my
lawyer told me that this was the highest of
compliments. 1 don't understand it, though.
If I were dead, that would be one thi
But Pm still around.”

.

If baseball is my favorite sport, then my

favorite sports announcer of all time has to

ам

be the voice of the Brooklyn Dodgers, Red
Barber. Announcers couldn't do remote
broadcasts in the Forties because of war-
time travel restrictions, so Barber would
announce games off the ticker, the way
Ronald Reagan did. Reagan always tells
the same old story of how he would say the
batter was fouling off pitch after pitch, be-
cause the er had broken down and he
had to fake it. We all laugh at that story,
but what Reagan is telling us is that he
lied. Red wouldn't lic. Red would say, “The
machine is jammed.”

When I finally got to interview him a
few years ago, 1 asked him, "Why didn't
you have the guy foul off a few pitches?”

“Why would I,” he said, “report to you
something that wasn't happening? I'm a
reporter. All I know is that the machine
jammed. I don't know what's happening in
the game.”

Red told me he thought Pee Wee Reese
was one of the bravest men he ever met, be-
cause of how Reese reacted to a situation
with Jackie Robinson. Red was in the lock-
er room in Chicago when they were in-
formed of a death threat against number
42, which was Jackie. The FBI took the
death threat very seriously. They said they
were going to comb the stands and suggest-
ed that Robinson not play that day.
Robinson said, “Ном can I not play?”

And Reese said, “I’ve got an idea. We'll
all wear number 42. They won't know who

/syslarn wos design
int The private culty

_THEPHOTOTRON [| = [+

THE GARDEN
NTRICALLY" to

PLAYBOY

156

to shoot at.”

Reese didn't realize what a great mo-
ment that was in race relations, in life, in
honor, in tolerance. He was just a man of
telligence, but a team leader.

.
to football, Don Shula is a
great man, in my estimation. He used to be
a great curser, too, but he mellowed. He
had to, after some of the things that hap-
pened when he was in his first year with
the Dolphins. I had been doing the color on
the Dolphin broadeasts for the previous
two years, when George Wilson was the
coach. Wilson was a very nice guy and had
almost no rules as far as the press was con-
cerned. My job consisted of doing pregame
and half-time commentary and locker-
room interviews. The first game of the sea-

son, Larry Csonka got hurt and was down
in the medical room being wrapped. After
the game, I went down with my micro-
phone to interview him. I didn’t know that
the medical room was olf limits to the press
under Shula's setup, because it hadn't been
that way under Wilson.

I was interviewing Csonka, on the air,
live, when Shula came in the other side of
the room and started yelling in my general
direction, “Get the fuck out of the fucking
medical room!" And we had just won, too.
Te was a live mike and he was screaming at
the top of his lungs, so I knew it went out
over the air.

Csonka sa
you think he’

“Probably
back, folks.”

I went outside the medical room and
Csonka, who was a hell of a guy, came out-
side with me and finished the interview in
the hallway. I folded up my gear and as I
was leaving, walking back across the field
toward the elevator, | saw Shula come up
alongside me. He asked me kind of sheep-
ishly, “Was what I said on the air?"

1 nodded. He asked, “I sai twice,
didn't 1? What did you say about i?”

“I didn’t say anything, but Csonka said,
“Who do you think he’s talking to?”

He smiled and said, “OK, I gotta watch
that.” Then he suddenly grimaced. “How
the fuck could you not know the fucking
medical room is off fucking limits?”

I said, “Well, I didn't, but I know now.”

After that, we became good friends, and
I watched him mellow.

D

Гус met a lot of smart athletes in my
time; but of all the intelligent sports figures
in the world, without a doubt, the smartest
one Гус ever known is Muhammad Ali.
Ali also may be the best public-relations
man who has ever lived, bar none. He was
certainly the best ticket seller of this centu-
ry. He is also onc of my favorite people on
earth. He a kind heart and deep con-
victions. His quote on the Vietnam war
was the best one-line summation of that
conflict 1 ever heard: “White men sending
black men to kill yellow men."

For a while during the Sixties, Ali

id to me, on the air, "Who do
talking to?”

me,” E said.

“Well be right

wasn't fighting, because the Government
had taken his title away. He requested
conscientious-objector status, saying he
had nothing against the North Viet-
namese, and as a result, was denied the
right to fight professionally. (George Carlin
put it all in perspective: “The Government
said, “If you won't kill people, we won't let
you beat "em up”) During that period
when he wasn't fighting, he came onto my
show and talked about his PR skills. He
told me how he had hit upon the idea of
forecasting fight results and being pomp-
ous about it, which he said happened quite
by accident.

Ali, still known as Cassius Cl was
about to go into his first fight, in Louisville
on a Friday, and that week he appeared on
a local sports talk show to promote the
fight. Gorgeous George was scheduled to
wrestle in the same arena that Saturday,
and they appeared on the show together.
Ali said, “I went on that show and I said,
‘Its my first fight, I'm the Olympic cham-
pion and I’m sure looking forward to it. I
know that I've got a tough opponent, but
I'm going to do my best, and I hope to cm-
bark on a professional career?

“And then the announcer said to
gcous George, ‘And you're wrestling the
Samurai Brothers on Saturday. George
said, "I'm gonna kill "em! ['m gonna take
their heads and pound "em into the ring!
Tm gonna bring venom and menace and
horror to Louisville Saturday night!”

“I won my fight on Friday,” Ali said.
“George wiesded Saturday, and 1 dont
know who won. But I looked at the attend-
ance: І drew 4000 and he drew 13,000. I
said to myself, There's something to this.”

.

I knew Rocky Marciano pretty well, too,
and I liked him a lot. Rocky was a great
guest, but he was also the world’s cheapest
man. He never picked up a check. He
didn't trust banks.

Rocky was so gentle and sensi
could never figure how he could be such a
killer in the ring. He hated training and he
didn't much care for boxing. He wanted to
be a baseball player more than anything
else in the world. I asked him, “Did any-
body ever scare you?”

“Oh, yeah. George,” he said. “George
was the neighborhood bully when we were
kids. I used to be afraid to walk home from
school, because if George got me, he'd beat
the hell out of me.”

“So you were
George?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah. George was a tough guy. ГЇ
tell you the truth. ‘Twenty years later, Pm
the heavyweight champ, and there's a di
ner for me in Brockton; George is at the
cocktail party—he’s an automobile dealer
now. And he comes up behind me and taps
me on the shoulder. I turn around and he
says, ‘Rock, you know

“Î ducked so fast I spilled my drink.”

.
ics, 1 got to know and to
interview most of the major black political

Gor-

e I

kid

ally afraid of this

leaders, including Martin Luther King, Jr.
Stokely Carmichael, Malcolm X, Н Rap
Brown and Huey Newton. The black lead-
er who opened my eyes the most wi
probably Malcolm X. He gave me an un-
derstanding of the black movement. There
was а fire in Malcolm, and I thought of
him as the poet of that movement. He was
very light-skinned, with red hair. “Do you
think, Mr. King,” he said to me, “if you
were my color, you'd have your job? In your
wildest dreams?”
That kind of put things in perspective.
Malcolm was the first to say to me, “1 nev-
er see my people in a commercial. Did you
ever think about that, Larry?” Before he
said that, I had never thought about it
Now we take these perceptions for granted,
butjust 25 ycarsago, they seemed unheardof.
1 flew back from Chicago recently and
the pilot and copilot were both black.
‘Twenty-five years ago, there would have
been peril on the plane. Even ten years ago,
something happened that ГЇЇ never forget
1 was flying to Dallas in first class, and sit-
g next to me was a white pilot who was
"deadheading"—flying to Dallas, where
he was going to pick up his plane. He re
ognized me and he happened to be a fa
He said, “Larry, you know who the pilot is
today’
I don't remember the guy's name, but he
was a black pilot flying left scat, and there
weren't many black left-seat pilots back
then, because they had been very late get-

ting into the system. "Watch this guy,” he
said. “He puts on a good show.”
1 had no idea what he meant. After we

got up into the jet stream and were cruising
along, the black pilot came out, put his pi-
lots hat on a shelf and stretched so we
could all see his captain’s insignia. Then he
walked out into the aisle, where everyone
could see him plainly. "Ain't dis a lovely
day to go flyin'?" he said in his best Uncle
Remus accent. "Holy Moses, what a day
wes been havin’ up front in de cockpi
Ain't it wonderful, folks? I's flyin’ dis plane
© - Dallas. That's
where wes goin’, Dallas." This is a truc sto-
ry. That was one nervous first-class section
for the rest of the flight.
б

And, finally, I must say that I have a
favorite story of my own. A lot of unusual
things happen to me on the air, but nothing
compared with what happened one night in
the fall of 1975. You may remember Mari-
lyn Chambers, the star of Behind the Green
Door and other adult movies. Well, Mari-
lyn was on my radio show in Miami, talk-
ing about—what else?—sex. She said,
“Sex is a commodity to me. You have your
voice, you use it. 1 have my body, 1 use it
It doesn't mean any more than that to me."

She stayed to the end of the program.
and we were getting ready to break for the
news. Perhaps to illustrate her point, she

2221

ee

pi 19

ellas over there are looking at.”

“Hey—I wonder what all those fe

157

PLAYBOY

158

asked me, оп the air, “Do you want to
make love during the news?”

While I was fumbling for an answer and
trying to find my voice, she added matter-
of-factly, “How long is the news, anyway?"
minutes,” I said, grateful for a
question I could answer with a straight
face. “And another minute of local.’

"Let's do as much as we can in seven
minutes,” she said—and then she began
taking off her clothes. Finally, all she had
on was a slim gold chain around her waist

I didn’t know what to do. Chambers cer-
tainly was attractive, but—make love?
Right there in the studio?

‘Come on,” she said. “The subject of
this show is sex, isn’t it? Don't you 0 s
appropriate?"

So I gulped and said OK. I broke for the
news and I asked the engineer to leave the
control booth. The idea was that we would

JUDITH с.

SEX
THERAPI

make love and then I would talk about it on
the air afier the news. Except—well,
know what comes next. 1 couldnt do a
thing. It was just too public, too exposed.
It was weird.

When the news ended, we went back on
the air and talked about what had hap-
pened. She said, “Why couldn't you get ex-
cited? I was willing to do anything. In fact,
I like you. We could have fun. Do you want
to go out after?" 1 said no, thank you.

When the morning disc jockey came on.
Chambers was still naked. She started
dancing around for him and then went over
ed

y ig your elbow, Larry
it up against somebody.”
Well, maybe not exactly.

“I can't cure your premature
ejaculation, but 1 can put you in touch with a woman
with a very short attention span.”

AIR ATTACK

(continued from pa
late at night, we'd go play.”

He doesn't like to lose, and so it was per-
fectly in character that he should explode
on Collins in disagreement over the score
of a pre-season practice game. The re-
sult was a much-publicized and seemingly
unexplainable snit between two notorious-
ly genial guys.

.

Out on the south golf course at La
Costa, Michacl was good company, full of

ies and interested questions. He wore a
made him resemble
а Bahamian policeman on holiday and his
legs were so thin that his Achilles’ tendons
popped painfully out of his calves as he
swung his driver. But he hit the ball hard
and clean. lt rose in an arc, whistling
straight down the fairway like a Steve
Spielberg special effect, and before it land-
ed, Jordan was in his golf cart, pushing the
accelerator all the way down, hustling to-
ward the green

Michael has been playing golf for only
four years, and only during basketball's off
season, but his handicap is only five. He
lics with a straight face that ht, to
hustle people onto the course. “If I was
playing you,” he had taunted me the night
before, “I'd say 1 was a ten.” His best golf
score to date is 74, not much higher than
his personal best on the basketball court,
63 points, which he scored two years ago in
a play-off loss to the Boston Celtics,

Michael hopped out of his cart, and as
he walked to his ball on the far side of the
green, he said, “Its not cockiness, it's
confidence. If 1 stopped playing basketball
right now, I believe I could play another
professional sport." He had, after all, quar-
terbacked his high school football team
and played baseball well enough to attract
professional offers. He chose basketball
over the other sports when he started col-
lege and immediately caught the nation's
attention when, as a freshman, he sank a
l6-footer against Georgetown to win the
1982 N. A. tournament for the Univer-
sity of North Carolin.

But he still has his hobbies, as he the:
demonstrated on the golf course by putting
his ball 15 feet to the hole. It hit the back of
the cup with a click, popped up into the air
and dropped in, a slam dunk. Then he was
back in the cart. pedal to the floor and on
to the next tec.

We chatted about the stull of a solid
middle-class upbringing— houses, families,
solí—as we moved doggedly from shot to
shot, hole to hole. Jordan comes from the
all-American family; his father was a plant
supervisor for General Electric in Wil-
mington, his mother worked in a bank, and
they attended all of his games,

Earlier, | had asked Adolph Shiver the
worst trouble he and Michael had ever got
into as kids. Shiver thought a long moment

and then said it had to be when they were
thrown out of high school basketball prac-
tice for not being serious. My goodness.

In an age of Brian Bosworth-style
cess, Jordan works at being normal. Hi
his own cleaning, cooking and shop-
ping. He waits until just before closing time
to go to the supermarket, or he sends
Juanita, wh
restaurant after a Bulls game. At the time,
she wasn't overly impressed that he was
Michael Jordan. “Girls who chase you,”
Jordan told me in the cart, “aren't the ones
you're interested in.” Нез wary of women,
having spent many dateless years as а stu-
dent and suddenly fin himself one of
Playgut's ten sexiest men. “In high school,
I didn't have the status as an athlete,” he
said more than once to explain his dateless-
ness, Juanita sometimes takes time from
her real-estate job to travel with Jordan.
Overall, she stays well in the background,
and she decline: She's not the
partying type, . “and neither
ат"

As we approached the 17th green, an
elderly man jogged down the fairway,
breathing heavily and wa enormous
handkerchief like a white flag. The old fel-
glared at him, and Jordan, ever respect-
ful and courteous, greeted him with, “How
you doing today?

"The man clearly didn't recognize Jor-
dan, seeing only some upstart young black
man who had driven the ball within a
dangerous proximity to his head. “Didn't
think 1 was going to escape with my life,
he sputtered. Jordan said nothing, but he
did chip his next shot into a sand trap. He
bypassed the 18th hole entirely.

As we reached the first tee of his second
18 holes, because Shiver decided not to
play and Jordan needed some sort of com-
petition, he made a wager with me: “Two
dollars if I break 80, ten dollars if I break
75," and then, for the next two hours, it was
“You're in trouble now” every time he
landed a shot on the green. He lost the
ger, incidentally, and when 1 tried to col-
lect, he told me to consider it an investment
in Michael Jordan.

Irs not just golf and basketball that stir
his competitive urges. Once, Jordan was
in the Баѕетет
k won the

п he met three years ago in a

low

shoulder jawing a
he'd be eaten. Falk turned to him
“Why don't you let me play? I
ing to you when you're pla

Jordan just replied, “Tha
I'm going to win.” And he did

.

Hanging on the wall of Falk's Washin
ton office is an autographed poster of Jor-
dan spread-cagled and N through
space, seemingly pulled by the basketball
in his palm, his mouth wide open, as if
surprised by his own trajectory. Falk, 37,

is a lawyer by training, but as a senior
vice-president at ProSery, he wansformed
Jordan from a basketball player into a
conglomerate.

Nineteen years ago, ProServ managed a
stable of tennis players; now it represents
more than 150 high-profile professional
athletes, including 29 NBA, players. [t
docs everything for Jordan, from negotiat-
ing his contracts and investing his millions
his schedule and kecping

Under Falks direction, ProServ sold
Jordan as a concept, a more difficult task,
at the start, than it would appear in ret-
rospect. He was once just a charismatic
rookie baskethall player of uncertain pro-
fessional future, and some of the companies
he now represents turned him down at the
first offering. But Nike saw promise in Jor-
dan, and he signed with it in September of
1984, before he had cven reported to the
Bulls’ rookie camp. The deal amounted to
an unprecedented $2,500,000 over five
years; with royalties added on, it came to
more than $1,000,000 a year. In the first
year, the Air Jordan line alone
more than $130,000,000 for
than the sales of all but two athletic-shoe
companies in America. The money, Jordan
admitted, “blew me away and told me
more or less what Ї was about to enter into.”

ProServ clinched McDonald's, Coca-

Cola and Chicago Chevrolet during Jordan’s
first year in the pros; Wilson Sporting
Goods, Excelsior International, a watch
manufacturer, and Johnson Products, the
cosmetics company, followed. “There are
no hard-and-fast rules,” said Falk. “Its all
judgment. But yov're concerned that if you
put too much on his plate, too many corpo-
rations, at some point, the public will wake
up and say he's becoming a corporate ani-
Irs hard to become Michael Jordan,
id you can lose it overnight."
Falk is the guardian of the image, and
its a shrewdly ambiguous one, something
along the lines of “Michael Jordan is an
exceptionally talented athlete with soli
moral values.” What those values are
doesn't matter. Fill in the ones you want.
When you lock into an identity, you be-
come, like Jim McMahon, a prisoner of
your own fad. Jordan, on the other hand,
forever remains undefined, free to be what-
cver the public wishes him to be.

This image was a work of genius, and
Jordan is well aware of how much money it
has made for him. He spends three hours
going over his monthly ledgers with Falk,
and his parents and Dean Smith review
them as well. He has ProServ invest his
money conservatively in a portfolio bal-
anced between growth and conservation of
assets, commercial real estate, oil, stocks
and bonds, overseas securities, pension
plans and retirement accounts.

He guards his money cautiously. After

watching him scrutinize the price of a
dozen golf balls, 1 suggested that with his
income, he could buy anything he wanted.
he answered a
impatiently, “if I didnt think too much
about the future. But someday I’m going to
get married. Someday I might have kids. I
don't know if l'm going to get hurt, if thats
going to Бе the end of my career, and then
I'm living a lifestyle 1 can't cut back on."

At the age of 25, when most men are just
getting started in carcers, Michael Jordan
is planning for retirement. Unlike Jabb:
or Dr. J, he won't go on playing when he's
40. He says he'll quit basketball by the time
he’s 33, take golf lessons and go on the pro-
fessional golf circuit while he's still young
enough to pull it off.

б
"What is basketball?" 1 asked Jordan
over dinner in a La Costa coffee shop.

Without looking up from the menu, he
replied, з the link between the real
Michael Jordan and the public Michael
Jordan. Take away basketball and it’s hard
to get to the real Michael Jordan.

А waitress appeared. Michael asked her
what chicken à la king was and then or-
dered it with a milk shake.

Without basketball, 1 ized as we ate,
we'd never care about the real Michael Jor-
dan, because he’s a pretty ordinary guy.
Maybe thats why he plays so constantly
and forcelully; maybe that's why he spends
his life out on the road, moving from city to
city, promotion to promotion, to keep from
wondering if that identity will vanish when
he quits playing. He knows that someday
he wants to own a big house
man in the yard. And when hi gone
and he’s long retired, he'd like to tell his
grandchildren “how I once took a dollar off
the backboard and left change:

Thinking of grandchildren makes him
smile, but they will have to wait. So will
slowing down long enough to figure out
what an ordinary guy of modest needs and
tes will do with all the millions of dol-
lars he has in the bank ing them
could never be as much fun as accumulat-
ing them.

“You never know when this can be taken
away from you,” he said. 1 wasn't sure if
"this" referred to the money, the fame, the
freedom to play, all three, or mor
figure I'll enjoy myself now,” he continued.
“And every time I think about it, I have to
say that this is the easiest job in America,
to go out and play two hours and get paid
so much. Who else can have it this casy?”

We were tired from the talking, burned
from a day in the hot California sun, and
the conversation turned monosyllabi

“What would happen if you stood s
L asked.

“You miss life,” he answered solemnl

“You miss life.”

Yeah, 1 could do that,

159

PLAYBOY

160

MAKES YOU
ALMOST 2”
TALLER

SIZES: 5-11

WIDTHS: BEEE
FINE MENS"
SHOES

Looks just like an ordinary shoe,
except hidden inside is an innermold
which increases your height almost
two inches. Choose from a wide
selection of FLEVATORS® including
dress shoes, boots. sport shoes and
casuals. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Exceptionally comfortable. Call ог
write today for your FREE color
catalog so you can look taller in no
time. “MD. RESID. CALL 301-663-

TOLL FREE 1-800-343-3810

ELEVATORS:

RICHLEE SHOE COMPANY, DEPT. PB84
P.O. Box 3566, Frederick, MD 21701

How To Talk
To Women!

Do you get tongue-tied
around attractive women?

World famous author Eric
Weber, is here to help with
an amazing 90 minute cas-
sette of his highly acclaimed
New York City course "HOW
TO MEET NEW WOMEN.”
You will leam + How to
"break the ice" with women
* How to make a woman
feel loving ® Why the most
Beautiful Women are the
easiest to meet e Conversation openers that don't
‘sound corny = Places where women always out-
number men e And so much тоге! To order" HOW
TO TALK TO WOMEN" send $13.95 plus $300

shipping to address below.

UN THE |

WIN WITH WOMEN!

Most men think they'll have to
undergo a major personality
‘overhaul to be successful
with women, Yet all it takes

is a 5% increase in guts And | т
this extraordinary new book | | È ON

will show you exactly how Wi МАХ
to unleash your natural OF MI x R

confidence. Soon youll be: e
Transforming platonic rela-
tionships into sizzling
romances e Dressing with
зек appeal e Standing out trom the crowd of
ordinary men « And much, much more.

To order "HOW TO WIN THE WOMEN OF YOUR.
DREAMS" send $14.95 plus $3.00 shipping to:

| DREAMS

SYMPHONY PRESS, INC., Dept v-4,
РО Box 515 Tenafly, N.107670 Canadians add 20%.
MC/VISA/AMEX phone 1-800-631-2560 anytime.
Allow3-6 weeks fordelivery. Money-back guarantee.

TOM CLANCY

(continued from page 63)
Does that actually mean anything?
PLAYBOY: You don't think it lessens the
threat of a nuclear w
CLANCY: | want you to assume for a
moment that I extend my hand to you. In
this hand is a ninc-mm Browning high
power automatic pistol. In fact, I own on
of those. It has a 13-round m you
put one in the chamber, it’s got 14 rounds, I
point it right at your chest at a
about ten feet. And I promise you 1 will hit
you from this range. Let's say that I don't
really hate you as much today as I did last
week. So I pop out the magazine. I take out
seven rounds. [ put the thing back in, 1
point it at you again and say, "OK,
there're only seven rounds pointed at your
chest from a range of ten feet.” Dont you
feel twice as safe now?
PLAYBOY: We take your point
CLANCY: If the Russians can deliver 5000
nuclear warheads on U.S. soil, we're just as
dead as if they delivered 10,000. Now, if
you were to reduce the deliverable number
on both sides to 000, you might actually
start talking about saving some lives.
PLAYBOY: If war ever broke out, and it be-
gan in Europe, whoever used nuclear
weapons first would probably use the
smaller, tactical weapons first, right?
CLANCY: Probably. If the Soviet forces
broke through NATO.
PLAYBOY: What аҥ
weapons, anyway?
CLANCY: I have Nigel Calder's book Nucle-
ar Nightmares on the shelves here, And he
has a particularly black joke that goes,
"What is the definition of a tactical nuclear
weapon?” Answer: “One that explodes in
Germany" As a joke, that’s really evil
Consider that the weapon that destroyed
Hiroshima— it wasn't really the bomb that
destroyed Hiroshima, it was the fire that
resulted from it—was a 20-kiloton weapon,
The warhead on a single Pershing mis
sile—a so-called tactical weapon—that the
LN.F. agreement is going to remove from
Europe is up to 400 kilotons. Twenty times
greater than Hiroshima! So the difference
between tactical and strategi
pends on how close to you it explodes
PLAYBOY: Yet US. nuclear policy ma

azine,

now

tactical nuclear

weapons de-

esa

big distinction between the two types of

weapons.
CLANCY: We think there is an
ifference. We plan walls and firebreaks
ather defenses against these so-called
small nukes. But Soviet military de
regards all activity as part of a continuum.
And I think they're more correct than we
are in that respect
PLAYBOY: One of your protagonists in Red
Storm Rising is Soviet general who says to
the Politburo, when they are debating, that
: sider the use of even the
smallest battlefield atomic weapon
CLANCY: Thank God, someone

actual

trine

а

noticed!

range of

job r

The best line in the whole book, for an
sider, is when General Alekseyev says,
“The Politburo is talking like those NATO
idiots." That's the Soviet view of NATO
tactical nuclear strategy—that it’s idiocy
PLAYBOY: So here we have one of President
Reagan's favorite novelists calling NATO's
nuclear strategy idiotic?

CLANCY: Yep. Look, the Russians are right
viet nuclear strategy makes a hell of a lot
more sense than Western nuclear strategy
PLAYBOY: Why, exactly?

CLANCY: The NATO idea is that we can
fight a limited nuclear war in Europe under
gentlemen's rules. OK? We'll kill your sol
diers and you'll kill our soldiers, but we
won't nuke cach other's cities. It's been part
of NATO doct years that we can
usc nuclear weapons on the baulefield
without eliminating large civilian or eco-
nomic targets. They feel that we can limit
the use of the nuclear weapons to military
activities and not to strategic activities.
That's lunacy.

PLAYBOY: Why?

CLANCY: Because, most likely, both sides
would keep upping the ante until, all of a
sudden, Paris isn’t there anymore. And the
French are probably going to take great
offense at that and take out Moscow, And
the Russians are going to be a liule bit
peeved and, next thing, New York, London
and Washington are gone. At which point
the whole world goes slightly nuts

PLAYBOY: How do you know for sure that
the Russians have a more logical view of
the dangers of nuclear war?

CLANCY: I know from their open source
material, The way they write to cach other
in Red Star, the daily paper of the Soviet
military. You can subscribe to it the
United States if you speak Russian. Their
writings on nu war are very differen
from ours.

PLAYBOY: Then do you think it more likely
that a nuclear w Europe would be
started by the US. than by the Soviets?
CLANCY: Probably, yes

PLAYBOY: That's another surprise, coming
from you. Even your novel Red Storm Ris
ing assumes that the Soviets will use nukes
before the U.S. does.

CLANCY: In my book, NATO was holding a
good hand. ‘The use of nuclear weapons in
the tactical environment would be an act of
some desperation. If the Soviets do their
ht, if they can achieve strategic s
prise on the battlefield and get the
through, the NATO countr going to
say, "We can't let the Russians have Eu.
rope. We have to stop them somehow."
And the only cl
to go nuclear.

nc for

break

ET

e they're going to have is

Which is why Гус been saying for quite
some time that the primary mission of the
United States and the We:
make sure we have sufficient conventional
arms to stop the Soviets cold. Because if we
don't, we're risking a glob:
and that is not sometl

in general is to

nuclear war,

1 look upon

with enthusiasm.
PLAYBOY: Whose fault, thes
flawed nuclear strategy? We think we know.
CLANCY: Right: politicians’. Armies do not
start wars. Generals do not wake up in the
morning and hit, let's go kill some-
body. I haven't had a good killing rush for
a while. Let's go take out a regiment of
Frenchics today." That doesn’t happen.
What happens is that the politician says,
“The French have something I want. Or
the Russians have something 1 want. Or
the Nicaraguans, or the Cubans, or the
Vietnamese have something I really want.
They're not going to give it to me, so 1 got-
ta go take it. And you, General Smith, go
take that country.”

“Yes, sir.”
PLAYBOY: Don’t you think the policies of a
man like Gorbachev can reduce the chance
of a superpower confrontation?
CLANCY: | spoke re Quan
FBI academy, to a bunch of counteres]
onage people. And I posed the question,
“What if a nice guy took over the Soviet
Union—how would we know? How do we
tell the difference?” Because he still has to
act within the context of his own society
He's not going to change the Soviet U
into a liberal democracy overnight. He
ly be doing all the things that
Gorbachev is doing now. And Gorby is
ly in some
arcas. Now, the question emerges: “Is he a
good guy or is hc a guy who's trying to act
like a your! guy?”
PLAYBOY: And the answ
CLANCY: You can't know! Personally, 1
think that Mikhail Gorbachev is a good
guy, within the context of his own socicty,
of course. So you give him the benefit of the
doubt. Yes, we should encourage hi
cry way. But not without a quid pro quo.
PLAYBOY: In all of your books, but most no-
tably in Patriot Games, there is constant
reference to good guys and bad guys. Is the
world really that simple?
CLANCY: A lot of the good-guy
stuff in Pe
nation

is the West's

would prol

in ev-

bad-guy
atriot Games is a technical desig-
hat's the way cops talk. It is, nev-
ertheless, the way I think in a lot of cases.
"The world is not so simple as to lend itself
to people's falling into one of two cate-
gories. But those two categories do exist
and quite a few people do fall into them.
PLAYBOY: Do you reject the notion of other
writers, such as John Le Carré, that there
might cxist some moral symmetry between
“our side” and “th That, ultimately,
we're all up to the same thing?

CLANCY: That's an absurd notion. Today, in
Afghanistan, the Russians are deploying a
munition, a bomb, that’s completely new,
unique in the history of warfare. It is an
ntichild bomb. Dan Rather showed a clip
of it on T V. It has to be real. It's a bomb
that’s in the configuration of a toy—a truck
or a doll. A kid picks it up and it blows his
hand off. There is no moral symmetry be-
tween the United States and the Soviet

Union. Certainly, we've never deployed
anything like that. In our darkest hour—
and some of the things we did in Vietnam
we don't have to be especially proud of—
we never have done anything like that.
PLAYBOY: Some would say that your faith in
the good guys is wishful thinking. Like
ar faith in technology.

CLANCY: Let me ask you a question. In
what kind of airplane did you fly from Los
Angeles to Washington to inter
PLAYBOY: A 747.

CLANCY: Did you feel safe?
PLAYBOY: Most of the time. Not as much as
some years ago.

CLANCY: Well, the 747 is a pretty good bird
The only times they ever broke have been
the crew's fault. If it weren't for technolo-
gy—let’s say, for example, if you took away
fertilizers, which are chemically manufac-
tured, and just eliminated them world-
wide—50 percent of the people alive today
would be dead in 12 months.

That's what technology does for us. It
keeps us alive. Pm driving a car with
German engincering. You're using a Sony
tape recorder, Japanese engineering. You
couldn't make a living without it. We get
our information that way. Business could
barely function today without computers.
Technology is part of life, and always has
been. Ever since we stopped using our
muscles to poke holes in the ground to
plant seeds, technology has been impor-
tant. After it’s been around for 20 years or
so, it just recedes into the woodwork. There
was a time when nails were high-tech.
PLAYBOY: When did your great romance
with technology begin?

CLANCY: I've always been a gadget freak
When I was back in first grade, 1 think it
was the first year that the Walt Disney
show was on ТУ. There was a one-hour
show of how the space race was going to
start. I saw that and I said, “Yeah, that's
the way to go.” And Гус been a technology
freak ever since. I supported the space pro-
gram before there even was one! That's
where the future is. The future is in doing
things that we don't know how to do yet.
PLAYBOY: Don't you think an increasingly
technological society undermines the hu-
man side of life?

CLANCY: Why should it? I have two com-
puters and a couple of VCRs, color TVs
and all that v stuff. I still like to talk
with my family over dinner, Maybe they
said the same thing when Gutenberg per
fected the movable-type press. The real
synonym for technology is tool. Any item of
technology is simply a tool If it’s used
skillfully, it has a positive effect on the way
life is lived. If its used unskillfully, or
stupidly, as often happens, it can kill
people.

PLAYBOY: Yet a lot of people have begun
asking questions about the role of technolo-
gy—its impact on the environment, on who
controls the technology and, most recently,
about whether or not complex technology

w me?

Sensual
Aids:

How to order them
without embarrassment.

How to use them
without disappointment.

If you've been reluctant to purchase sensual
aids through the mail, the Xandria Collection
would like to offer you two things that may
change your mind:

1. Aguarantee

2. Another guarantee

First, we guarantee your privacy. Should
you decide to order our catalogue or prod-
ucts, your transaction will be held in the
strictest confidence.

Your name will never (never) be sold or
given to any other company. No unwanted,
embarrassing mailings. And everything we
ship to you is plainly packaged, securely
wrapped, without the slightest indication of
its contents on the outside.

Second, we guarantee your satisfaction.
Everything offered in the Xandria Collection
is the result of extensive research and real-
life testing. We are so certain that the risk of
disappointment has been eliminated from
our products, that we can actually guarantee
your satisfaction — or your money promptly,
unquestioningly refunded.

What is the Xandria Collection?

Itisa very, very special collection of sensual
aids. It includes the finest and most effective
products available from around the world.
Products that can open new doors to pleasure
(perhaps many you never knew existed!)

Our products range from the simple to the
delightfully complex. They are designed for
both the timid and the bold. For anyone
who'sever wished there could be something
more to their sensual pleasure.

If you're prepared to intensify your own
pleasure, then by all means send for the
Xandria Collection Gold Edition catalogue.
It is priced at just four dollars which is
applied in full to your first order.

Write today. You have absolutely nothing
to lose. And an entirely new world of
enjoyment to gain.

‘The Xandria Collection,
P.O. Box 31039, San Francisco, CA 94131
Please send me, by first class mail, my copy of the
Xandria Collection Gold Edition catalogue. Enclosed is
my check or money order for four dollars which will be
applied towards my frst purchase. (US. Residentsonlly)

Dept. PBOIRR

Nane.

Address

City.

State Zip,

Тат an adult over 21 years of age:

(Signature required)

Xandria, 1245 16th St., San Francisco. Void where
proli

PLAYBOY

even works the way it's supposed to. Do
you have any second thoughts such as
those?
CLANCY: Absolutely not. Most of the people
who say that are living off in never-never
land. In past centuries, such people were
called Luck “Technology is part of life-
It's not going to go aw far as its work-
g, well, people are people, and they wi
continue to make mistakes, to screw up.
PLAYBOY: But doesn't technology sometimes
amplify those mistakes? Screwing up with
a nail is one thing; with a nuclear power
plant, it’s quite another.
CLANCY: Technology makes things safer.
Let's take Three Mile Island, for example.
The people screwed up real bad. The tech-
nology built into the power plant saved
them. There was enough safety built into
the system itself to prevent anything really
bad from happening. And, in fact, nothing
really bad happened. Nobody was hurt.
There may be one extra case of cancer 20
years from now; and if there is, itll proba-
bly be a jerk like me who smokes.
PLAYBOY: You wouldn't have any problem
living next to a nuclear power plant?
CLANCY: I do live next to one—15 miles
from a nuclear power plant. The place we
just bought on Chesapeake Bay is in a di-
rect line of sight to it. Doesn't concern me.
PLAYBOY: What about the Soviet disaster at
Chernobyl? Do you think it was a techno-
logical breakdown or just human error?
It was probably both
consumer product, aside from the
AK-47 assault rifle, which was, in fact, sto-
len from the Germans; it was originally the
German StG 44—that you can buy in the
West. Cars? Television sets? Camer:
Maybe caviar—but the fish make that. So-
viet technology is not terribly impressive
Гус been inside Soviet military equipment.
Pm not overwhelmed.
PLAYBOY: Why do you think it’s so inferior?
ir economy is screwed.

te:

ame onc

“A beefeater, please!

up. In America, either you turn out a quali-
ty product or nobody buys it. And if no-
body buys it, you go broke. In the Soviet
Union, they don't have market forces to
regulate anything. If a guy turns out a
quality product and he's the only one who
makes it, the people have to buy it whether
it’s good or not. You can make an argu-
ment that the best reflection of any society
is to be found tary, because all of.
its societal tei and all of its econom-
ic abilities will be crystallized at that level.
Every time American gear has met Soviet
gear on the battlefield, the Soviets have
come off second best.

PLAYBOY: Back to the future. Your next
book is Cardinal of the Kremlin, and we un-
derstand that it focuses on Star Wars——
CLANCY: Don't call it that. Come on.
PLAYBOY: Why not?

CLANCY: It’s а pejorative name for some-
thing that can be of great benefit to the
world. The Strategic Defense Initiative,
SDI.

PLAYBOY: Why are you such an ardent
booster of such a controversial program?
CLANCY: It offers us the only logical way
out that [ see of the nuclear conundrum
that we're in now. Nuclear deterrence, the
situation that putatively keeps the peace in
the world today, is fundamentally flawed
It’s like a bunch of crazed neighbors with
loaded shotguns marching around the
homes, yelling death threats at one another.
Just because it happens to be nation-states
that agree to keep the peace that way
docsn't make it any less crazy

PLAYBOY: Instcad of coming up with new
gadgets that may not work, why not tr
take the shotguns away—in this casc, the
nuclear weapons?

CLANCY: You're never going to climinate all
nuclear weapons. You're never going to
climinate manned bombers. You're never
going to climinate cruise missiles.

PLAYBOY: Why not?

to

CLANCY: Bec:
verify their el
a nuclear bomb into the U.S
it in on a missi

asc there simply is no way to
mination, You want to bring
Don't bring
. Just disguise it as cocaine
and bring it through thc Mi
[Laughs] However, we might be able to get
id of the scary missiles, the long-range bal-
listic weapons.
PLAYBOY: So how would Star Wars, or SDI,
do that?
CLANCY: Even a fairly rudimentary system
will make a successful disarming first
strike, called counterforce, virtually impos-
sible. Now, in all likelihood, you will never
come up with a system that’s 100 percent
effective. There are just too many w
heads coming in. But say we could deploy a
99 percent effective system right now—
would you be in favor of it?
PLAYBOY: Its hard to think of anythi
technolo: ts 99 pe

mi airport

are nuclear weapons, ri
CLANCY: Yeah, a lot of people would die.
Bur my point is that virtually nothing, not
even SDI, can stop a nuclear cruise missile
or thosc fired from close in by a sub. What
SDI can do is cut dow
the effectiveness of the strategic counter-
force, the threat of the ballistic missiles
Now, what have you done? If you can
make it statistically unlikely that these very
expensive, very hard-to-maintain ballistic
weapons are any longer militarily elective,
then, just maybe, you have a rational basis
for negotiating the bastards out of e:
ence. And thats the promise SDI holds.
This is actually an interesting point in
military history. We've finally reached a
point where the defense actually has a
technical advantage over the offense. That
happens very, very rarely. We're coming
to a whole new category of weapons, di-
rected-energy weapons, which change the
rules. SDI gives the Russians a basis for
saying, “Yeah, why don’t we get rid of the
damn things once and for all?”
PLAYBOY: Or for building new ones
CLANCY: No. What the Russians would do
if we deployed a defensive system—since
countries” military communities do tend to
mirror-image cach others technology—
would probably be to deploy a defensive
SDI system themselves. And that’s proba-
bly the best thing that could happen. 1
would rather blow up a missile than blow
up a city any day.
PLAYBOY: You secm to be banking a good
deal on everybody's best intentions.
CLANCY: Everybody on both sides acknowl-
edges that just busting each other's cities is
a completely irrational act Nobody—not
even a Joc Stalin—wants to be the guy i
history who killed 100,000,000 human be
ings. Nobody wants to be remembered as
another Genghis Khan or Attila the Hun.
What we're trying to eliminate, therc-
fore, is a way for one of those guys to say,

—way down—on

“We dont want to use nuclear weapons,
but we have 10, t0 prevent damage to our
country.” If you can eliminate that, you've
climinated the most dangerous, most ex-
pensive, most destabilizing kind of weapon.
You're not elit ing the threat of nuclear
war entirely. They're simply too valuable
for national strategy for both sides. What
we are doing is reducing the likelihood that
those weapons will be employed.

PLAYBOY: Doesn't it all come down to
whether or not SDI could ever really work?
k it can't, it's too com-
k it can. Since you mz
things easy to understand, tell us—how is
this system supposed to work?

You take a free-electron laser and
the ground.

PLAYBOY: Not in space?

CLANCY: Oh, no! You want the laser on the
ground, so you can
That way, you don't have any trouble
ting power to it. This laser shoots up a sin-
gle beam of light with a power on the order
of 10,000,000 watts. That searing beam hits
a mirror that is up in orbit. That mirror rc-
lays the beam to a second mirror, which
then focuses the beam and aims it down at
a Soviet rocket just as it is emerging from
its ground silo.

PLAYBOY: Sounds like a tough shot to make
CLANCY: Come on! You can't miss the suck-
er! It's a great big target with an enormous
thermal signature. You zap it while it's still
in boost phase, and the eight to 12 war-
heads it's carrying will drop down and bur-
row into the carth. They won't even go off.
PLAYBOY: Still, by your own count, the Rus-
sians have some 10,000 of those missiles to
throw at us:
CLANCY: Hold on. Ten thousand war
heads—just 1400 missiles to carry them.
PLAYBOY: Still not reassuring. That's a lot
of missiles for a few high-tech weapons to
intercept.

CLANCY: 15 more than a few! The system
I'm talking about could fire 500 bursts per
second, 1500 in three seconds. [
only 1400 mi
PLAYBOY: Somehow, we still don’t feel safe.
Ifa submarine can send out decoys against
a torpedo, couldn't the Soviets fool our bil-
lion-dollar lasers with aluminum-foil
planes?

CLANCY: Target discrimination is not going
to be terribly hard, because the lasers are
going to be looking for large infrared
targets. If you wanted a decoy to generate
that sort of image, each one would
cost almost as much as а missil
unfeasible. Even so, the SDI system can cy-
cle through targets so quickly, at such a
high rate, that it could probably ta
both thc missiles and thc decoy
coys were ever launched.
PLAYBOY: Your faith in technology is greater
than most peoples. Aren't at least a few of
those 1400 Soviet missiles going to get
through?

CLANCY: Hey, maybe more than a few.

fix it when it breaks.

ele

Maybe 100 or more. I've already said the
SDI system not be 100 percent
effective. It merely gives the Soviets more
of a rationale to sit down with us and nego-
tiate the ICBMs away. And that makes it
worth it,

PLAYBOY: You obviously love this military
stul, yet vou were kept out of the Service
because of poor cyesight, Do you think
you'd rather be doing it for real, instead of
just writing about it?

CLANCY: Ге told all my friends in the mili-
tary that I'd rather do what they do than
what / do. The reason is, I'm just a min-
strel, when you get down to it. OK, 1 may
be a very smart el, or a very lucky
minstrel, or a very successful minstrel, But
Um just a minstrel. And people out there
who do this work every day are more im-
portant than I am, and they do not get the
recognition that I do.

PLAYBOY: Is there a message you're trying
to get through in your novels?

CLANCY: My fecling on messages comes
from Sam Goldwyn: If you want to send a
message, use Western Union. But if there is
a message in what I write, it is that the
people who serve in the U.S. military are in
essentially the same kind of work as poli
officers and firemen, Their job is to risk
their lives for people they don't know. I
don't say they're perfect, and they don't
claim to be perfect; but they
as much respect.

PLAYBOY: When did you decide you were
going to be a writer?

CLANCY: It was always my dream. I want
ed to see my name on the cover of a book.

PLAYBOY: But you didn't publish anything
until you were an adult, And then it was a
letter to the editor.

CLANCY: Yeah. To the Proceedings of the
US. Naval Institute, the monthly journal of
the U.S. N
wasn't doing its job properly of explaining
its role to the American people
United States needs a Navy.

may

What the
Navy people were mainly doing was com-
municating back and forth among them-
selves. Totally incestuous.

PLAYBOY: Turns out that you've taken over
that job for yourself.

CLANCY: Never thought of it that way.

Yeah.

PLAYBOY: Was it vour Jesuit education that
instilled in you the ipline to sit in front
of a word processor eight hours a day?
CLANCY: Do I loo
person? [Waves at the cluttered study around
him] 1 tend to be something of a slob. 1
fight against it, but it seems to be a losing
battle. I tend to be lazy. Though my writ-
ing is the first disciplined thing that I've
been able to de my life. [t took me 35
years, but Гус finally found something Im
good at. I guess it just took me a long time

to grow up.

Sexy Silk Satin!

spaghetti straps, anda graceful sloped neck. The|
Bikini pants are stringstyled for optimum sex

ind, like all silk lingerie, completely!
“breathable” for comfort. Hand wash. Imported
for sizes РИ), S(6), M(B-10), L(12-14), XL(16-18).
Style #196138. The set, $25, Full money-back
guarantee, Available at our Fifth Avenue
store in New York. Call us for other Royal Sil

ROYAL SIK FE

Clifton, NJ 07011
Credit Card Holders:
Call Toll-Free: 1800-3215ILK(2459 | Keycode
Anywhere in the US, 24-Hrs, -days

Name,

ie ip.
O Visa OCheck O American Express
D MasterCard ODiners C) Carte Blanche

‘Add $2 per item; shipping, handling.
Style 96138 TOTAL AMOUNT

Ivory Black
D Enclose $2 for colourful caraloguecollecrion only.

164

RUNTS OF THE LITER continued poso 123)

“Leno says the Mazda 323 ‘looks like a Japanese Volvo
and drives like a BMW on a caffeine high.”

ach саг, wh noted Leno, "means business suit or a three-door Hawai
it corners on the door handles, but you print ensemble with turbo motor and four-
can hit a speed bump at 60 miles an hour wheel driv

while drinking a Perrier without blowing The sporty GT four-door sedan we test-
bubbles out your nose.” ed is new for 1988 and is powered by a tur-
The second category of cars, which Leno — bocharged, 132-hp, 16-valve version of the

er four-cylinder found throughe
ne. Apart from its al
hat we got here,” explained Leno, © its prominent tail y
pair of college-educated Hulk Hogans else on the road, T is distin
dressed up for a prime-time wrasslin’ spec- guished inside by special upholstery and
lar seats with even ergonomic adjust-
. he observed that ments than usual. Outsid
Mazda 323 “looks like a Japanese small GT badge, the only i
Volvo and drives like a BMW on a caffeine of H-inch alloy wheels shod with special
high.” [es true that you don't get the full high-performance tires. As Leno put it,
dose of that tcenage-athlete-in-pinstripes “This is the perfect car for stop-light macho
thing that the Germans do so well, but contests:
then, most German suits don't come with — Fibulist Joe Isuzu would probably de-
three pairs of pants, as is the c scribe the Isuzu 1-Mark Turbo as being
the Mazda. Depending on your sartorial “more nimble than a Formula 1 racer
preferences, you can get it dressed up as a more predictable than a Johnny Carson
full-figurc five-door wagon, a four-door monolog, and the adjustable bucket seats

ost anything

"Hey, Dave, gel over here and teach this rookie
how lo chew tobacco."

include se
Sutra”
Actually, the Isuzu EMark Turbo looks
like a Japanese Volvo
well, 1

al positions from the Kama

out HO hp from a di
(а 46 percent incre:

s with your attaché case.

A rather neat summation of a vehicular
concept, and one that, with a quick mental
two-step, leads rather neatly to the catego-
гу Leno dubbed Lawn Tractors for the
Masses. This is machinery in which form
follows function and not vice versa. Inc
ed in the group are the Suzuki Samurai,
Subaru Justy and Yugo GV—vehicles
whose principal virtues are mechanical
simplicity, utilitarian character and a low
price. “In Beverly Hills,” said Leno, “they
buy these things by the dozen and gi
them out as Christmas gifts" Any of the
three will get you from A to B. The chic
quotient, however, varies a

At the top of the chic list
Samurai, a sort of transistorized j
Japan. In the two years it has been a
able here, the Samurai has become one of
the best-selling four-wheel-drive vehicles in
America and onc of the few available as ei-
ther a convertible or a hardtop (wh

Hills and when you come back, there'll be
a 4-H club brochure on the windshield.”

Mechanical simplicity is the Һа,
the Samurai's design, with a Spartan yet
comfortable interior, a rugged 1.3-liter,
four-cylinder, 64-hp engine. с
live axle suspe
still it led Leno to observe,

It’s such a cute
tittle thing that you might be able to lure

Miss April into going for a ride. But ad:
her to wear her jogging bra or she’s going
to wind up with a severe case of titlash.” A
sofi-ride suspension option is also
available.

lf you're looking for four-wheel drive in a
form a bit closer to the mainstream, the

Subaru Justy might be just the ticket, The

that costs just $600. Activation is achieved
by thumbing a red button in the middle of
the shift knob, and the hardware necessary
all four wheels adds only 100
to the weight of the standard two-

list, but you have to get used to the
ch Leno characterized as
-powered sewing
ing version, be-
cause the Justy’s 1.2-Jiter three-cylinder en

i out 66 eagerly obliging horses,
you get over the rubbery feeling of
a jacked-up, semi-olf-road suspension that

‘arance, the

has 7.1 inches of ground cl
Justy can be tossed down
with the best of then
his looks like a car for people who
make goat cheese |,
condo at the beac
nary assessment of the Justy. “And they or-
der the four-wheel drive because those darn
neighbor kids keep tacking sand on the
driveway.” But halfway into the test drive,
he started making more positive noises and
wound up picking it as his second favorite,
behind the Honda CRX. “So many cars
today are like a middle-aged dentist in a
toupee and gold chains, desperately trying
to be something they're not. The Justy
doesn't have a pretentious bolt in its body."

Another unpretentious vehicle relatively
new to the U.S. market is the Yugo, built in
Yugoslavia, which, the PR people are care-
ful to point out, is nor a Communist-bloc
country. “Gute little car,” said Leno. “But
the name sounds like Boris Karloff's cousin
from New Jersey.”

Despite its bad rap when it first went on
sale in 1989, the Yugo today is on the move
Its the cheapest new car in America and а
sponsor of the U.S. Olympic men's and
womens volleyball teams. A Yugo placed
third in the One Lap of America rally. The
new convertible model is on the wa:
new “luxury” model called the GV
thanks to а 136-percent jump in sale
June 1986, Yugo has become the
selling European import in history

The vehicle causing all this commotion
is the GV, a $4199 three-door hatchback
sedan, just 139 inches from bumper to
bumper and powered by a Li-liter four-
cylinder engine that puts out 52 hp. Fuel
economy, according to the EPA, is 29
m.p.g. around town and 31 пр. on the
highway, with zero-t0-50-mph acceleration
of about 10.6 seconds. The upcoming GV X
luxury model features a larger, 1.3-liter
mine, five-speed manual transmission,
heavy-duty suspension, aero body kit, al-
loy wheels with low-profile radials and de-
signer upholstery, all for $5699. The
convertible model (with electric top), due
midyear, has been restyled by an Italian
carrozzeria and carries a price tag of $8300.

"Ehe fourth and final category of cars in
our test, which includes the Toyota Tercel,
Volks Fox, Hyundai Excel and Plym
outh Horizon America, was categorized by
Lcno as "the automotive equivalent of
Maytag, complete with a lonely repair
Hence the category Maytag-Mobiles.
There mo style statements here
‘These are cars for those who simply want
to get 10 and from without a fuss, without a
doubt and without b
not to say that among this group, there

windy road

candlelight in their
limi

was Leno's pr

since
stest-

are

no sensory rewards for the driver. The Toy-
ota Terce
tion to dei

eptic
“Harvard
e light and

‘The styl

ble. Power for all three Tercel models (two-
door notchback, three-door and five-door

CABLE TV CONVERTERS

Scientific Айата ry P=

CABLETRONICS

Jerrold + Oak * Hamlin
PO. Box 19519 * Detroit, MI 48219-0519
“Telephone 1800327 2300

POWER-SAIL™

WORLD'S FINEST
2 ASCENDING PARACHU!
= Aa -Cancun

zapulco-Nassavt

E Now. Tow behind your boat
POWER-SAIL CORP.

E PO Box B56h Hemingien, N) 08872

2 000-426-3316 ta 58/201 782 9344 Enr St

TERM PAPER

ASSISTANCE

SHOT LINE=

SEND $2 FOR CATALOG
LISTING 16,278 RESEARCH PAPERS, or|

CALL TOLL FREE 800-351-0222
IN CALIFORNIA (2131 477-8226
Wosaaren assistance,
11322 Idaho Ave. 4206P8 Los Angeles, CA 30025

^!

„$
E

Happy 5t. Panties

and

Erin Go Bra
TTA P-A-N-T--E-S
айй

^
®
^
а
5

URAP
THAT

To place an ad in
PLAYBOY MARKETPLACE
call

1-800-592-6677,

New York State

call
212-702-3952

TERM PAPER
ASSISTANCE!

CATALOG OF RESEARCH PAPERS
AVAILABLE!

OVER 17000 ON FILE

NEXT DAY DELIVERY

LARGEST SELECTION

LOWEST PRICES

SEND $2.00 FOR CATALOG
CALL TOLL FREE

1-800-621-5745

SEND TO:
AUTHORS’ RESEARCH SERVICES, INC.

407 S. DEARBORN ® Rm 1605P ® CHICAGO, IL 80605

Add inches to arms, chest

and thighs. ойр! abdomen, bade Ыы
ultocks and calves. Burn fal
and tone muscles... with eee roe

The Body Maker. Safe, ad-
justable electrical impulses
work your body more effec-
tively than regular exercise.
Medically proven and quar-
anteed

+ Computer controlled

Operation
+ Portable & ex-

pandable
+ Exclusive Pat. Pend.

muscle growth system Also available
+ FREE instructional video 890, re
+ FREE carrying case 10 PEH
Serd check or money Body Maker 300
Orders to: бра $109 +

HealthTech, Inc.

3430 Conn. Ave. N.W. #11207 Dept. Py 4/88.

Washington, D.C. 20008 Visa & MC orders call

1-800-333-TONE, if busy coll 1-800-872-8787

ask for operator 130 For info: (202) 362-5921

+ 30-day money-back + Dne-year Matein
‘guarantee. warranty. USA

Learn to use, program,
and service today's
digital electronic

L- music equipment
SEED
J

With NRI's new at-home training in Electronic Music
Technology you can prepare for a high-paying career as
you build your own computer controlled musc center
including Atari ST computer, Casio CZ101 synthesizer,
and ingenious MIDI software—ab yours to train with
and keep
No experience necessary—
in electronics or music!
No matier what your background, NRI gives you the
electronics skills now so essential for technicians and
musicians alike—skills you master asyou explore dighal
techniques, MIDI, waveshaping, patching, sequencing,
ising, special effects, and much more.
Mail coupon today for FREE catalog.
mm
'schocl of Electronics
McGraw Hill Continuing Education Center
3:39 Wisconsin Avenue, Washington, DC 20016
YES! Please rsh me my FREE catalog describing NRIs new

at-home training in Electronic Muse technclogy plus traning
in other in-demand electronics fieis.

ine Та P Age

PLAYBOY

hatchbacks) is provided by a silky-smooth
78-hp, 1.5-liter, four-cylinder engine and
routed through a choice of smooth-shifiing
five-speed manual transmission or three-
speed automat

Smooth is the operative word here, and
the visual, the kinetic and the tactile
pects of the Tercel conspire to give the
pression of a more expensive car. The seats
feel German, and the dashboard has the
starkly expensive look of a Porsche-design
watch. Leno particularly liked the nubbly
cloth upholstery material and asked, "Can
you get me a swatch I can show my tailor

In the category of cars that feel good, the
newest ollering from Volkswagen also de-
serves attention. Code named Project 99
during the three-year-long start-up phase,
x was designed in Germany,
zil and is being marketed in the
. as the Beetle of the Eighties. Although
lacking the distinctive styling that (along
¡ability and low price) made the
Beetle a world-wide phenomenon that has
lasted almost 40 years, the Fox has the full
measure of the Germano-tactile feel com-
petent drivers world-wide demand and
y pay for.
med as an entry-level car, and in
direct competition with the microsize,
minibuck wonders from the Orient, the Fox
currently available in both two- and
four-door notchback-sedan body styles and
a stylish three-door station wagon. All arc
powered by a L&liter fuebinjecied four-
cylinder that develops 81 hp, allowing the

Fox to do zero to 60 mph
This is the same basic engine used
Golf and Jetta models and is currently
vailable only with a four-speed manual
transmission, to be joi
peed manual.
fully independent suspension, Mae
Pherson struts in front and torsion beam/
trailing arm in the rear, yields a ride that is
firm without being harsh, and the handling
(despite the skinny tires) Leno,
however, had his eye on the
got great seats, an expens
board and a trunk you could sublet to a
couple of college students,” he said. “And
the glove box is big enough to put in а pay
phoneso they can call home for the money.

Hyundai (rhymes with Sunday) is the
largest auto maker in Korea, sells cars in
65 countries and bills itself’ as manufactur-
ing that make sense,” All of which
might suggest that money, and how little of
required, is the major attention-gette
Which is true, up to a point. More to the
point is that the Excel is the embodiment of
a concept that is right on target for the
times—a car that is not only very inexpen-
sive but very good

Built in Korca, the Excel is available as
a three- or five-door hatchback or a four-
door sedan, all of them powered by a
15-liter, three-valve, four-cylinder engine
that puts out 68 hp. A four-speed manual
transmission is standard on some models. a
five-speed with overdrive is standard on
others and a Uiree-speed automatic is avail-

Eu с.

“How do you do it, Stephanie? Raise а
family, hold down a great job and still find time to
screw my husband?”

ide down the road on
y spension and are cov-
red by a 36-month/36.000-mile power
train 12-month/12,500-mile
new-vehicle warranty, a 36-month corro-
sion warranty and a free one-year member
ship in the Cross Country Motor Club,
which has a toll-free hotline for cmergen-
cies such as towing and roadside service.
For this price category, a remarkably com-
prehensive package of benefits that pi
voked Leno to speculate, “I hear that next
year they're going to come with a butler.
Which brings us, at last but not |
to the one and only Ameı
American-built, American
group, the Plymouth Но

some. All
dependent s

warranty, a
гга

on America
(called the Omni America at Dodge deal-
ers). The Horizon is the result of a collabo-

rative effort among management, labor
suppliers and dealers to create a genuine
built-in-America import fighter targeted at
the entry-level and second-car markets.

ted with a higher level of standard
equipment than comparably priced im-
ports, the Horizon America is available
a four-door hatchback powered by a 2.2-
liter, 93-hp, four-cylinder engine upgraded
for 1988 with fuel injection and fast-burn
combustion.

And even though Chrysler
expects the Hon
American-built
in 1988, the
ler

zon to be the low

st-pr

on sale in the
is still covered by €
industry-leading seven-year/ 70,000-
mile power This is the
ial Ame d, Ameri-
affordable,

rai

quintessen
can-built

comfortab
tically invisible.
Leno, “is a car designed to n
run to the airport without wort
speeding tickets, An intere

module
-liable and styled to be prac

transpo

What we have here,” said
a banzai
g about
aple of

in has
t of the issue.
lead-

put his finger on the he
Even as cvoluti a large scale i
ing to smaller cars, evolu
among and within the sı
selves. The Japanese have what's be
called the “nichiest trigger finger in the
hows in the prolife
task-specific and image-specilic small c
Evolution driven by ma
steady trickle of go-fast h
tro-techno bells and whistles that used to
flow from the big cars to the little cars
today, equally likely to flow in the opposite
direction. Evolution driven by enthusiasts.

And they keep on driving. “If Darwin
was even half right,” concluded Leno,
somewhere along the line here, we ought
to wind up with a car that looks like a
Lamborghini Countach, will do 150 miles
an hour, gets 40 miles to the gallon around
town, is easy to park and you can buy for
less than 15 grand.

lo which the PR man from Su:
replied, handing his card over with a
Tull of secrets, "Come see me in 1990

El

YOU DON’T NEED
CASTRO’S PERMISSION

TO SMOKE CUBAN-SEED
HANDMADE CIGARS!

HANDMADES FOR THE MAN WHO THOUGHT HE COULDN'T AFFORD THEM!

ГЇ send them to you from Tampa,

the fine cigar capital of the world. Sample

the cigars in my new Silver Medallion Sampler and
enjoy a wonderful new smoking sensation. I'll include

а generous sampling of Honduras handmades, plus a
nice selection of vintage-leaf, long-filler and cut filler
cigars, all perfectly blended for mildness and flavor.

These superb smokes are made with expertly blended
Cuban-seed-leaf tobaccos grown and cured the old
Cuban way in Honduras from seed smuggled out of
Cuba. They're mild, flavorful and extremely satisfying to
the cigar smoker who's looking for something new,
something better, something exceptionally tasty. Experts
can't tell them from Havanas. You won't be able to either,
when you try them. Natural wrapper. If you're ready
for a luxuriously enjoyable smoking experience, try
them now.
—“Yours is the only decent cigar | have had in over 12
years," one new customer wrote me the other day.
—"Of all the cigars | have smoked, both cheap and
expensive, yours is the best of the bunch," wrote
another.
—"Outstanding! Best cigars | have had since returning
from overseas," wrote H. E. O., of Columbia, SC

—"| am very impressed with the mildness and freshness
ofthe sampler you sent," said J. J. M., of Lincoln, IL

MY OFFER TO CIGAR LOVERS
V'Il send you postpaid a selection of 42 factory-fresh cigars—a
special selection of Honduras handmades, vintage-leaf long-
filler and cut-filler smokes. If these cigars aren't all you

expected, return the unsmoked ones by United Parcel or
Parcel Post within 30 days and I'll refund your money. No
questions asked. Your delivered cost is only $10.90 for 42
factory-fresh, Cuban-seed-leaf cigars.

[To order, fill in and mail coupon to B777 1
¡THOMPSON CIGAR CO. !
| 5401 Hangar Ct., Dept. B777,Box 30303, Tampa, FL 33630 1
| О.К, TOM! Ship me the Silver Medallion Sampler under |
your money-back guarantee for only $10.90.
D Check for $10.90 enclosed (Fla. residents add 5% sales tax)

1
| Ll СҺагде$10.90юту C VISA U] American Express 1
| С MasterCard О Diners Club 1
р) [7X7] |
(Kae |
E 1
la 77 => !
18 €— 7 OFFER GOOD IN U.S. ONLY "n

CREDITCARDUSERSSPEED TOLL-FREE 1-800-237-2559

DELIVERYBYCALLING IN FLORIDA, CALL 1-800-282-O

167

LAY BOY

OmN*TEHE-SGETE

he raincoat. Timeless, here, in silhouette, it stirs
memories of Bogey in Casablanca. But even the
toughest trench coat can become a drench coat if
the fabric isn't water-repellent—and it's the fabrics
that make these raincoats special. One is made of “mud silk,”
in which mud is applied to wet silk and sun-baked, water-

SLICK WHEN WET

proofing the coat and creating the texture of the cloth. Linen
can be treated to withstand the elements, and rubberized
cotton chases the night away with dazzling colors. A travel
trench coat in crinkled nylon can be packed and still stay
true to its personality. Making your slicker slicker goes far
beyond the utilitarian. It's great to have fun and stay dry.

Below left: Travel trench coat in crinkled nylon with belted waist, by Banana Republic, $89, worn over an indigo washed-silk sport shirt, by Men
Go Silk, $200. Center top: Rubberized-cotton water-resistant raincoat with snap front, by New Man, $300, over a cotton mock-turtleneck
sweater, by One Man Band, about $160. Center bottom: Water-repellent linen duster with self-belt and antique buttons, by Jeff Sayre, about
$625, worn over a striped linen dress shirt, by Lazo, $120, and silk tie, by Susan Horton Designs, about $38. Below right: A mud-silk, belted
raincoat with brass-button closure, epaulets and welt side pockets, $375, covers a tan washed-silk sport shirt, $170, both by Men Go Silk.

STEVE CONWAY

————SUPERSHOPPING

a

Ay

The French-designed Switch radio is currently
making sound waves in Europe. It's about the
size of a billiard ball and features AM/FM, a
headphone adapter and exceptional fidelity, by
Switch USA, Inc, $39, including a deskstand.

Woods of Windsor in Garden City, New York, is a toiletries company with a

line of products featuring a scent that’s derived from the peau d'Espagne—
an arresting aroma originally used in conjunction with leather tanning.
‘Above are three veddy masculine products, including Woods of Windsor
talcum, $6, bath-and-shower gel, $6, and after-shave, $9.50. Other great- R
smelling products for men, including scented drawer liners, are available. Matte-finished durable plastic, the
Inning Organizer is a completely
grated spiral-bound day/date organizer

with space for shopping lists, phone num-
bers, expense-account re-

ports and more,
from Plus USA,
Closter, New
Jersey,

Have gym tote, will travel The Original
Locker Bag looks like a gym locker but
travels like an overnight bag. It fits in a
locker (or under an airline seat) for easy
storage and caries enough gear to
satisfy Arnold Schwarzenegger, by Ogio,
Salt Lake City, Utah, $49.95, including a
hairbrush, mirror, three liquid contain-
ers, toothbrush holder, soap dish, comb.

STEVE CONWAY

inspiration for the
Corvette Road-

wheel Watch, an

etched image of
the ‘Vette logo on
the famous face
of a Swiss-made

The Swiss Champ
model Swiss-army
knife is the first

three years by Vic-
torinox and fea-
tures 29 functions,
$72; leather case
with 11 additional
gizmos, $38. Neat.

with a pigskin band,
from | RoadMasters
Design, Woodridge,

crested rosewood box.

Magnavox’ 27”

Made in France of lacquered hard-
wood, this model ofa BMW motorcy-
cle, measuring 6%” high by about 13"
long, makes a perfect desktop trinket
for guys whose taste runs to Bavarian
wheels, from Schylling Associates,
Salem, Massachusetts, $100. A side-
car with leather seat is optional,

color monitor,
RH7610BK, has more going

than just another pretty video
picture. The cabinet is covered in
camel-colored leather, and that’s just
опе of several hides a
features include a wireless remote
control, stereo sound, a 36-button

menu with on-screen programing
plays and a sleep timer, about $2000.

GRAPEVINE

Uncovering Karel
Actress KAREL HANNAK has appeared on TV in The Young and the Restless
and on the big screen in Rock and Roll Reunion. We think she's a knockout
and a dead ringer for Brooke Shields. Here, she emerges from an April
shower, ready to bloom.

© 1987 MARK LEIVOAL

The Way He
Wears His Hat

You can’t take that
away from JOHN LY-
DON. Currently tak-
ing a touring break,
you can catch the ex-
Sex Pistol on his al-
bum Happy?.

PAUL NATKIN/PHOTO RESERVE

Robbie's
Waltzing
All Over
Again
ROBBIE ROB-
ERTSON waited
for about 12
years for the
muse to return.
It was worth it.
You saw him a
lot on late-night
TV last winter,
and if all goes
well, you'll be |
able to see him 7
in concert
sometime in the
spring.

His Basketball Jones

9
E” Singer JOHN MELLENCAMP worked up а basket-

ball sweat before a concert sweat in Chillicothe,
Ohio, last winter, where he played for free after the

townsfolk signed a petition asking him to come.
After he finishes his U.S. tour, it’s off to Australia.

A Ticket to Ride
Australian rockers INXS are finally getting the
attention they've been looking for after ten years
of work. Their album Kick kicked up the charts.
Michael Hutchence, the group's singer, says,
“Great things rise to the top.” Amen. Where

Does It
Hurt?

| Please, no letters from
irate nurses. Actress
MICHELLE — WILKER-
SON is just having a lit-
tle fun. Michelle has
appeared in the movies
Charlie Guitar and
Glitch. She's also ap-
peared in two or three
office fantasies, but
we'll let you work out
your own. It's only fair.

€ 1007 MARK LEIVDAL

:
i

The Champ Is a Scamp

MIKE TYSON is entitled to a little horse-
play. fresh from his Tokyo bout, he signed
a multimillion-dollar, multifight deal with
HBO. Hell fight a series of seven bouts,
to appear on cable into 19B9, which E
makes him the highest-salaried star on

TV. Here he's gym dandy. A і

174

NEXT MONTH

“THE WRECK OF GENERAL MOTORS"—YOU'VE READ
OF TEXAS ZILLIONAIRE ROSS PEROT’S BATTLE WITH
GM/S BULLHEADED ROGER SMITH. NOW GET THE
REAL STORY: INSIDE DOPE FROM SMITH'S FORMER
SPEECHWRITER, ALBERT LEE

“SLOW, SLOW BURN”—HONEY IS THE PORN QUEEN
OF A WIRED-IN FUTURE, BUT SHE HAS HIT 45. IS SHE
SLIPPING? SHOULD SHE SWITCH MANAGERS? HUS-
BANDS? CHEFS? TUNE IN FOR A GLIMPSE OF EROTICA
TO COME—BY GEORGE ALEC EFFINGER

“GATEFOLD GIRL GOES HOLLYWOOD"—PLAYMATE
KATHY SHOWER'S MOVIE CAREER IS REALLY TAKING
OFF. WE CELEBRATE, PICTORIALLY

"THE YEAR IN MOVIES”—BACK BY POPULAR
DEMAND, PLAYBOY'S POPCORN AWARDS, BRUCE
WILLIAMSON'S HIT LIST AND OUR OWN INIMITABLE
SUMMING UP OF 1987'S MOST MEMORABLE FILM
MOMENTS

DON KING, THE BOXING IMPRESARIO WITH THE ELEC-
TROCUTED HAIR, TALKS ABOUT HIS PRISON PAST, HIS
DAYS WITH MUHAMMAD ALI AND HOW HE PROMOTED

THE MICHAEL JACKSON VICTORY TOUR IN A KNOCK-
OUT PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

“A SMALL MATTER OF CONSUMER PROTECTION”—
ISIT A CRIME TO HAVE NO TRUCK WITH GYPSIES? NOT
IF YOUR LAWYER'S ONE OF THOSE SHARPER IMAGES
SKETCHED BY THE PEN OF GEORGE V. HIGGINS

“THE FITNESS MYTH”—OVERDOING EXERCISE MAY
BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. BUT USING YOUR
HEAD CAN GIVE YOUR BRAIN A GOOD WORKOUT—BY
WILLIAM BARRY FURLONG

TERI GARR DISCUSSES TAKING A SHOWER ON LET-
TERMAN, BABY NIGHTMARES AND WHY SHE WANTS TO
PLEASE HEF IN AN EFFERVESCENT “20 QUESTIONS”

PLUS: “ROTISSERIE LEAGUE,” OR HOW YOU, TOO,
CAN BECOME A MAJOR-LEAGUE BASEBALL MOGUL,
BY KEVIN COOK; AN APPRECIATION OF CARTOONIST
RALPH STEADMAN'S ART EY HUNTER S. THOMPSON;
SEXY SWIMWEAR AND RED-HOT BIKES SEEN
THROUGH THE LENSES OF ACE PHOTOGRAPHERS
HERB RITTS AND HELMUT NEWTON, RESPECTIVELY;
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF WICKED WILLIE; AND
MUCH MORE

© 1987 Fruitol the Loom, lnc.
One Fruit ofthe Loom Drive, Bowing Green, KY 42102.
уез made wih DuPont Lycra" spandex.

STYLE THAT FITS.

Fruit of the Loom® fashion underwear
has all the styles that fit his style.
Bold colors. Vivid prints.
Sexy stripes. In fly-front briefs,
low rise and bikini cuts.
Fruit of the Loom fashion.
Style that fits America's men. Ri

uick.

Want a big return on a small investment?
Here's the deal. A cigarette that gives you all the rich,
smooth satisfying flavor you want, with even less tar than other leading lights.
How do we do it? Enriched Flavor" How do you get in on it?
Invest in a pack of Merit.

Enriched Flavor," low tar. yj | A solution with Merit.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

© Philip Morris Ine IVAN

Kings: 8 mg “tar.” 0.6 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method