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THE LAST WORDS 
ON RONALD REAGAN 


PLUS: JAY LENO 
JESSE JACKSON 
DAN GREENBURG 
PAUL HOGAN 
JUDGE REINHOLD 
BUSTER POINDEXTER 


07 MI 


00955" 5 


They all bring 


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PLAYBILL 


AS THE COUNTRY girds itself for convention fever, we choose to take 
a fond look back—at Ronald Reagan. OK. the look isn't really fond. 
In fact, it’s downright frightening. In The Jelly-Bean Presidency 
Associate Articles Fditor Peter Moore spills the beans about the 
boss. Here's a President who campaigned on a promise to elimi- 
nate the deficit, who swore he'd never deal with terrorists, who 
vowed he'd make America stand tall again. We all know how those 
commitments worked out; Moore's compilation, wittily illustrat- 
ed by Steve Brodner, reminds us of further fiascoes. Moore found 
o much material that he couldn't use it all; our Favorite such 
nugget is Reagan's statement “If | were lucky, | wouldn't have this 
job.” If we were lucky, he wouldn't have that job. 

On the 1988 campaign trail, one candidate has consistently 
confounded the pundits. What Makes Jesse Run? is an account by 
black poct-playwright Amiri Baraka (formerly Leroi Jones) of the 
astonishing run of the Reverend Jesse Jockson, who is, hands 
down, the i r on the hustings today, Bara 
currently the director of Africana studies at the State University 
of New York at Stony Brook, traveled with Jackson, jetting from 
San Francisco to lowa, and gives a rare intimate look at the man 
who may well select the next President. 

Another road-show report is Contributing Editor Bill Zehme's А 
Stand-up Kind of Guy, which follows comic Jey Lene, “the hardes 
working man in show business,” from backstage at The Tonight 
Show to a gig in Las Vegas. “The amazing thing about Leno,” 
that he actually is a nice guy. And hilariou: he 
y Blair Drawson. Staking his own claim to being the 
hardest-working m nalism, Zehme went on to interro- 
gate actor Judge Reinhold for 20 Questions. Reinhold, the 
fable galoot in pictures, proves that being funny can also be sexy 
nother busy man is famed author Lawrence Sanders, whose 
24th novel, Timothys Game, will be published by С. P. Putnam's 
Sons this month. Run, Sally, Run (illustrated for Playboy by Edison 


nos 


Girard) is one of псе novellas about Timothy Cone, Ше Wall 
Street detective, to be included in the book. 
A pace like Leno's, Zehme’s or Sanders can age a man fast, Don 


Greenburg, himself a prolific novelist. scenarist and longtime 
Playboy contributor, journeyed to Switzerland in search of his lost 
youth. The result is Oh, Bury Me Not at Clinique La Prairie, illus- 
trated by Michel Guiré Vaka. We won't reveal whether or not Dan 
njections, but he is working simula- 
nother Playboy piece and a new 
g (with his wife, 
t, How to 


Suzanne O'Malley) an HBO/Cinemax С) 
Avoid Love and Marriage. 

One of our favorite ways to relax is with a glassful of ice with a 
good bourbon. Nest to it on the coffee table we might place an 
elegant new book, The World Guide to Whisky, by Michael Jackson. 
No, not that Michael Jackson. This one is a British writer who has 
been described:as “a Baedeker of booze,” and here contributes 
Whiskey Américain, about bourbon, rye and ‘Tennessee whiskeys. 

British should never be confused with Australian, as anyone 
knows who has seen the world's most celebrated Aussie superstar, 
Paul Hogon, in his TV spots or in "Crocodile" Dundee. The subject 
Playboy Interview, conducted by Comributing Editor David 
Rensin, Hogan has led a most extraordinary life, from his days as 
a pub crawler to a gig as a rigger on the Sydney Harbor Bridge. 

There's more, of course: the latest in urbane fashions modeled 
by that denizen of New York night life, entertainer Buster Poindex- 
ter, in Buster Takes Manhattan (photographed hy Douglas Keeve); a 
portfolio of Skinsuits photographed by Нењ Ritts and feat 
the hottest supermodel working today, Cindy Crawford; World: 
Class Beauties, in which photographer Byron Newman provides a 
ringside seat at the world's first Miss Playboy International 
n Hong Kong; Playmate of the Month Terri Lynn Doss, 
whom we'd like to serenade with a stirring rendition of Send m 
the Clowns; and all the Playboy с nists you've learned to love 
(or hate). Happy reading. 


| 


ZEHME DRAWSON 


SANDERS GIRARD 


Жей 
RENSIN REEVE JACKSON 


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PLAY BOY. 


vol. 35, no. 7—july 1968 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL — ETC SC 222 3 
Err 8 9 

PLAYBOY AFTER НОШ baci estes see % оло re 13 
БТ e c om M a Es DAN JENKINS 33 

MEN... .. ASA BABER 35 
WOMENS CES 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ............ САУ Те o See Al 
L/ ee yeas PEU EUR МІ Сы. 44 

THE PLAYBOY РОКОМ ................ ане eoe Қ) 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: PAUL HOGAN—candid conversation . . 59 

WHAT MAKES JESSE RUN - article sese sess sss, AMIRI BARAKA 74 
SKINSUITS—píctorial. r .4.4.-.2 78 

ОН, BURY ME NOT AT CLINIQUE LA PRAIRIE—article ... DAN GRECNBURG 90 

BUSTER TAKES МАМНАТТАҺ-Кю-Һөп........................ HOLUS WAYNE 94 


А STAND-UP KIND OF GUY— personality 


GREAT TERRI—playboy's playmate of the month ame ad 2. 102 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES=humor.. 2.4: ДЗ. 114 
WHISKEY Ap Ex Call- Hi..... MICHAEL JACKSON 116 е 
THE JELLY-BEAN PRESIDENCY.................... compiled by PETER MOORE 119 


20 QUESTIONS: JUDGE REINHOLD. 


RUN, SALLY, RUN—fiction ........................ӛ. 


WORLD-CLASS BEAUTIES—pictoriol. |... is ꝑ 128 


FAST FORWARD I АТТ” 6522264, 140 гола 


COVER STORY Here's just a detail of Herb Ritts’s stunning portrait of super- Ж 

model Cindy Crawford—their collaboration begins on page 78. Нег make- 

up and styling by George Newell and Sharon Simonaire (Visages Style, 

Los Angeles), respectively. Hair by Serena Radealli for Cloutier. Printing by Ту | 
- 


E. Allison. Monsieur Lapin hangs loose and would rather not be distressed 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 


JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
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EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asse- 
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MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS senior editor: 
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STAFF: GRETCHEN ENGREN senior editor; WALTER 
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BRUCE RLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN associ- 
ale editors; KANDI KLINE traffic coordinator; FASH- 
TON: HOLLIS WAYNE editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE 
URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS edilor; LAURIE 
ROGERS assistant editor: LEE BRAUER. CAROLYN 
BROWNE, DEBRA HAMMOND, JACKIE JOHNSON. BARI 
NASH, MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING 
EDITORS: ASA BABER. E JEAN CARROLL. KEVIN 
COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL. CYN: 
TULA HEIMEL, WILLIAM } HELMER. DAN JENKINS, D 
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ISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (Movies), SUSAN MARGOLIS. 
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PHOTOGRAPHY 

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FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, BYRON 
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hers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT eol 

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ADMINISTRATIVE 
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CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


| CHARLES 


BRONSON 
THF 
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CLANCY'S WEAPONS AND WORDS 

1 commend you for the Playboy Interview 
with author Tom Clancy (April). | especial- 
ly enjoyed his intelligent, cor 


ct use of the deadly 
Also, 


the subject of Sor 
minisubs lurking in Swedish wate: 
Soviet intentions (and military proj 
in Africa and the Soviet navy’s aim of gain- 
ing control over the strategically crucial 
Cape route are not discussed at all. Oby 
ously, South Africa's raw metals, minerals 
and strategic location are deemed by the 
Soviets to be important enough to keep a 
naval presence in the region. Nevertheless, 
kudos to Playboy for interviewing Tom 
Clancy! 


Paul Stonchill 
Van Nuys, California 


Just finished reading the Tom Clancy in- 
terview. I wish I had been the one to con- 
duct that s . I was the head of 
intelligence collection for CINCLANT/ 
CINCLANTELT J-2 during 1966 
the US. naval base in Norfolk, Virgii 
where some of Hunt for Red October's ac- 
tion takes place, and was the only Army 
officer with special submarine clearances. I 
would have loved to probe Clancy's con- 
tention that he got all of his information 
from the three books on his bookshelf to 
which he points. If I had written that book, 
1 would have gone to jail for three lifetimes. 
for violating the security oaths I signed 
when I turned in my clearances. I'm still 
wondering how he got the information he 


homas Sheppard, President 
ian Management Consul- 


San Francisco, California 


lan Fleming, armed only with his man- 
ual Hermes and suffering a gin hangover, 
could write a more suspenseful, believable 
and engaging thriller than Clan 
Red October is OK, but Patriot Games is 
thoroughly silly. Clancy may have a re- 


freshing and intelligent view of Russi 
pug the u heeds some s 
guy 


1 nes (амаа 


In the April interview, Clancy calls a for- 
man an 


rrogant little bas- 
for having the 
the invasion of 


mer Congre: 
and 
nerve to be agai 
Grenada. Clancy's 
is that he 
at in Grenada. Shortly before the € 
invasion, a few hundred Marines died in 
y know any of them? 
rogant little man of your inte 
perception, he would know 
s a PR diversion and, mi 
t least, a poorly executed one. Cl 
truly is myopic. 

Mike Krebs 
Waukegan, Ilinc 


remarkable know-how, 
use of it, Clancy remains. just 
technological fundamen- 


Despite 
perhaps, bec. 
one more no 
talist. 


sary and d 
able more 
knowledge and belief and to recognize the 
difference between sober judgment and 
unlicensed abandon. 

Of course, technology, as Clancy say: 
a tool. But to argue, as he does, that it is 
simply a tool indicates that he can't tell a 
hammer from a nuclear submarine. 

Any journeyman worker knows a good 
tool when he meets it; he judges it by ii 
spection, by feel and by application. No 
system has yet been invented to test the 
tools of versal destruction in a simil. 
way And we'll not get very close to the in- 
vention of such a system by listening to the 
gushing of technological charismatics. 

Jim Hiner 
Madison, Wi 


VEITER'S VELOCITY 
1 congratulations to Craig Vet- 
ng the ever-elusive 


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HOY 88 yv" 1986 


Enjoy substantial d 
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You'll even be guaranteed as 
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And the benefits will go on 
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PLAYBOY, PLAYHOY PREFERRED and RABBIT 
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PLAYBOY 


(At) Ludicrous Speed (Playboy, April). His 
story isa dream come true for anyone who 
ever did any high school drag racing on 
the outskirts of town. We always imagined 
ourselves in something bigger and faster, 
but Vetter takes us beyond that to the 
biggest and the fastest! Whats more, he 
lived to tell about it. Thanks for the memo- 
ries, Craig, and may your pedal be always 
to the metal! 


rarles Powell 
San Francisco, 


"alifornia 


HEIMEL STRIKES A NERVE 
A few words for Women columnist Cyn- 
thia Heimel ("Why I Hate Marilyn, 
Playboy, April): Cynthia, women objectify 
men every bit as much as men objectify 
women. Simply substitute blond-haired, 
blue-eyed hunk for young, big-breasted, 
leggy blonde and you have the same situa- 
. You can be sure that if a Tom Selleck 
or a Don Johnson walks into a room, wom 
en will slobber all over him with gusto. 
John Dietrich 
Tallahassee, Florida 


Heimels venomous column is a perfect 
example of what Dr. Andrew S. Ryan, Jr, 
writes about in his essay "Reverse Sexism” 
(The Playboy Forum, April). Heimel seems 
10 subscribe to a currently popular tactic 
of the feminist movement, which is to 
blame men for everything but the weather 


while holding all women blameless for 
even their own shortcomings. 

The really sad thing is that Heimel 
doesnt seem to realize that her writings 
only reveal her as an embittered man- 
hater—one to be more pitied than reviled. 

Steven Wineinger 
North Haven, Connecti 


cut 


I imagine that Cynthia Heimel would 
think it inconceivable that some men may 
find it just as distasteful to be viewed as 
predators as she finds it to be viewed as 
prey. Why all this bellyaching about direct 
sexual propositions’ being an insult to her 
intelligence? Come on, Cynthia, make up 
your mind. Are men manipulative preda- 
tors or are they just lobotomized penis 
prey for the likes of Marilyn? It’s no won- 
der t 
when they advertise themselves as such to 
any available sugar daddy. Why dont you 
scrcam and yell about the women who per- 
petuate that sort of image? Why do you 
think it's worse to “write a demeaning sex- 
ual fantasy” than a demeaning sexual 
commentary such as yours? 

Daniel L. Hogan 
Germantown, Maryland 


many women are seen as prey 


PUMPED-UP BABER 

I sit here this afternoon watching Asa 
Baber trying to geta word in edgewise on 
The Oprah Winfiey Show. 


My personal observation is that Asa hit 
the button with his “angry women” com- 
ments, I know no small number of men in 
their 40s who are sitting out this entire 
shooting match. 

There is asea of angry women, seeming 
ly unplacated by anything we do. So guys 
have taken to starting their own softball 
teams, hitting the moyies together and 
hanging out over cards on Tuesday night 
rather than brave the bullets of dating 
these babes. Like Baber, 1 do not know 
what I did wrong. 


С. Roger Fulton, Jr. 
Tucson, Arizona 
For Asas own view of his “Oprah” debut, 
see this months “Men” column. 


I loved Asa Baber's Men column “Ритр- 
ing Fur” (Playboy, April)! Does he practice 
what he preaches? ГА love to meet him! 

Kaye Hontel 
La Crosse, Wisconsin 

We expect all our writers to have firsthand 
experience with what they write about, Kaye. 
At least there's one woman out there who isn't 
angry with Asa, 


RAW MILITARY PAY 

I was entertained to find in Raw Data 
(Playboy, April) that a 35-year-old male col- 
lege graduate іп the military receives 
$65,671. 1 find this especially entertaining 
because I am a 33-year-old male college 


graduate, have been іп the Air Force since 
graduation and am currently being paid 
$38,919.71 per year. Does that mean that 
the Gover 
me, orthat I can expect a healthy pay raise 
Instead, I think that the 
amount you quote is the nontypical salary 
of a physician or a pilot receiving a bonus 
to make his military pay competitive with 


ment has been holding out on 


in two years: 


civilian salaries. As such, it is an example 
of misleading information. 
hn Seibert 
San Antonio, Texas 

Our “Raw Data” writer responds 

The figures we quote, which were compiled 
and published by the US. General Account- 
ing Office, include retirement and medical 
benefits, for which the Government also pays, 
and represent average dollar amounts, not 
the median salary 


HOT WHEELS 

Tell your panel of judges who picked the 
best cars of 1988 (Cary 88: The Best, 
Playboy, March) to take a flying fuck in а 
rolling turbocharged doughnut. I agree 
with all the choices in the winners cate- 
gories except one: Best Car to Tell Your 
Girlfriend to Buy Стоп, gimme а 
break—a Volkswagen Cabriolet? Ivs a won- 
derful litle car, but why сап she buy the 
supercharged ‘Toyota MR2? Or the Jaguar 
NEZ 

My husband bought me a five-speed tur- 
bocharged ‘Toyota Supra for my birthday 


(see photo) and a radar detector to go with 
it. What a guy—thank God he doesn't 
share your panels male-chauvinist opin 
miles per hour on 
the freeway and loved every minute of it. 1 
love my car. When I drive it, I don't fuck 
around, I drive it. 


ions. I've had it up to 1 


So tell your panel of judges that in the 


future, they should recommend that read- 
crs’ girlfriends buy some of the sportier, 
faster cars; and if they're good boys, may- 


be they'll get to drive them. 


In case you're wondering about my vani- 
sete, it's a private joke between 
sband and me—sort of a muffled cry 
for help. I leave the rest to your imagina- 
tion. Cogito, ergo zoom. 
Nancy Vanderstein 
Brunswick, Ohio 
We stand corrected, Nancy. Thanks for 
your letter; we love И when you talk dirty. 


DONNA, IN PERSON 
It was a real pleasure to meet 1987 
Playmate of the Year Donna Edmondson 
during the car show at the Kentucky State 
Fair and Exposition Center in Louisville 
this past February. She is an excellent rep- 
resentative of Playboy and surely upholds 
your first-rate image in the field of men’s 
magazines and entertainment, With her 
warm, intelligent and exuberant personal- 
ity, she has the ability to make cach person 
she meets feel comfortable in her presence 
Thanks for the opportunity 10 meet her. 
William Walker II] 
Louisville, Kentucky 


VANITY FAIR 
Thank you for the pictorial on Vanity 
(Playboy, April). 14 give a year’s pay just 
to he one of her satin sheets for a night 
Ken Smith 


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pleasure of experiencing the optimum 

sound at any location, whether its at home, 

inthe park or on your favorite mountain 

peak. With optional accessories, the 

D-15 can even become an integral part 

of your car stereo system. 

Key to the Г-ІБ5 portability is 
جص حح ي‎ — 


: وي 


1988 Sony Corporation of America Sony Discman, 
and The Leader In Digital Audio are trademarks of Sony 


its revolutionary, — 
built-in, recharge- Шо NY 00 | 
able battery 3 Rechargeable 
Measuring slightly Lee nent enema | 
larger than a pack 


of gum, this battery gives you hours of 
digital music enjoyment without adding to 
the D-J55 overall size. 

But don't think for a moment that for 
the sake of portability sacrifices were 
made in features or performance. 


With 22-selection programming, 5 

repeat modes, optional remote control and 

the ability to play the new CD-3 format, the 

D-15 ofiers the ultimate in features. And 

with state-of-the-art Sony digital CD tech- 
nology it performs splendidly as the 
centerpiece of your home stereo system. 

At Sony, we invented the compact 

disc, so it only makes sense that we'd be 
the first ones to improve the way it travels. 


Discman SON Y. 


THE LEADER IN DIGITAL AUDIO” 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


MR. YUK? 


"The next time we have a craving for pa: 
paya-green-pepper or roast-red-beet ice 
cream, we'll head for Denver's Rattlesnake 
Club, whose chef, Jimmy Schmidt, turns 
unconventional food combinations into el- 
egant meals, many of them garnished with 
wacky, sometimes Spanish names. Pesadi 
Ша China Frita Azul (Blue Fried Chinese 
Nightmare) is Schmidt’s name for a blue- 
cheese-and-risofto won ton in pimiento 
sauce. His Incandescent Pheasant 15 a 
ground-pheasant pizza topped with po- 
blano peppers; the Rabbit's Wet Dream is 
an elaborate green salad. Schmidt has ап 
obsession for mixing and matching ethnic 
foods: Consider grilled lamb on a corn lor 
tilla with а salsa made of yams, Asian 
pears, prickly-pear cactus, scallions, jala- 
рейоѕ and starfruit. 

“You have to taste the colors,” Schmidt 
insists. Green, he says, tastes like Granny 
Smith apples and poblano peppers; red, 
like jalapenos, strawberries, tomatillos and 
red-wine vinegar. 

“People love a dish,” he sighs, “but they 
don't understand the components. They 
say they don't want a dessert with red-wine 
vinegar" But he makes it work by “illu- 
sion,” he says, by concentrating the flavors 
and “floating the depth levels.” 

To wit, his chocolate ravioli are illusory 
right down to the scalloped edges on the 
white-chocolate pasta that is filled with 
dark chocolate. We cant decide yet 
whether Schmidt is the culinary equivalent 
of Scriabin or the chef from the Far Side 
comic strip. 


MO' SATCHMO, PLEASE 


Che first pop-chart hit from the Good 
Morning, Vietnam sound track happens to 
be Louis Armstrong's immortal What а 
Wonderful World. Meanwhile, the theme to 
CBS hit series Franks Place is Armstrong's 
Do You Know What It Means to Miss New 
Orleans? 

We think this marks the start of a new 
achmo craze, so we decided to ask 


Woody Allen, who has been using Arm- 
strong recordings in his movies for years, 
who plays traditional jazz on the clarinet 
regularly at New Yorks Michaels Pub 
and who recently named his son Satchel 
(presumably after “Satchelmouth” Arm- 
strong), to tell us just which cuts best 
reflect the essential Louis Armstrong. 
Woody's picks: Potato Head Blues, avail- 
able on МСАЗ The Best of Louis Armstrong, 
and the rare find Shine, which originally 
appeared on Columbia іп 1929 but is not 
currently in print. Good hunting. 


MINNEHAHA 


Film director John Waters has pio- 
neered a movie-publicity gambit—stand- 
up Mackery This past spring, he appeared 
in various night clubs across the country 
and cracked wise about his films, induding 
the latest, Hairspray, We caught his show at 
Caroline‘ Pier 17 in Manhattan and gath- 
ered a sampling of the Waters world view. 

On his films: “If it's true that your films 
are your children, mine are juvenile 


delinquents.” 

On his new discovery, actress Ricki 
Lake: "She's sort of a baby Divine. I inter- 
viewed every fat girl in the country for the 
role. When we settled on her, she got nerv- 
ous, started losing weight. So we force-fed 
her milk shakes.” 

Some inside information: “In Hairspray, 
Debbie Harry got scabs on her head from 
the giant wig we made her wear.” 

Regrets: “I wish I could have gotten 
Amy Carter to be in my latest movie.” 

Plans: “I was born to play the lead in 
The Don Knotts Story.” 

Moviehouse trivia: “Someone told me 
that thousands of crabs live on every movie 
seat in America.” 

Aw, John, is that any way to talk about 
your moviegoing public? 


OLDSPEAK 


We've learned from a retirement-indus- 
try insider that experts in the field think of 
their elderly clients in three categories: go- 
gos, slow-gos and no-gos. 


PICK A PACK 


It appears that America's greatest sur- 
plus may be in celebrities, who now 
abound in such great supply that it’s often 
hard to know who's who. Fortunately, 
someone invented The Brat Pack (Tom 
Cruise, Sean Penn, Emilio Estevez, Demi 
Moore, Rebecca De Mornay, Rob Lowe, 
Molly Ringwald et al.) and The Black Pack 
(Eddie Murphy, Spike Lee, Robert Town- 
send and Arsenio Hall). But that’s not 
enough. How, for example, do you classify 
Billy Crystal? Or Jimmy the Greek? To 
help tie up such loose ends, we've come up 
with a few new packs 

The Dont Do Crack Pack—Rae Dawn 
Chong, Clint Fastwood, Nancy Reagan 
and James Woods 

The Pink Cadillac Pack—Aretha 
Franklin, Mary Kay (of the cosmetics em- 
pire) and Bruce Springsteen. 

The Canuck Pack—John Candy, 
Michael J. Fox, Lorne Michaels, Martin 


13 


RAW 


DATA 


system, youre ' guilty 


you admit to 
your guilt and then 
re doubly guil- 
A lawyer from 
the Peoples Repub- 
lic of China quoted іп 
The Economist. 


ROLE MODELS 


Number of Federal 
ficials indicted in 
in 1985, 563. 


Numbei 
in 1975, 
470. 


convicted 
; in 1985, 


In his 


N 
drivers 
Californ 


ber of licensed. 
in Southern 


700.000. 


. 
Number of trips 

they make per 

40,200,000. 


Number of 
nia drivers cover each day: 221,300,000. 
. 

Distance of an average commute in 
Southern California: 107 miles each 
way 


WANNA BET? 


Percentage of Americans who say 
they bet on sporting events: 18 
. 
Percentage who bet with their friends 
or family, 46; with fellow workers, 40: 
with profess blers, 12. 


Sport on which most people bet: foot- 
ball (63 percent). 
. 

Amount of money spent on gambling, 
in America in 1986: 198.8billion dollars. 
. 

Amount donated to religious org: 
zations, 33,6 » dollar: 
tional institutions, 10.5 billion dollars. 


THE LOTTERY 


Annual amount spent nationally on 
state lottery tic 5 billion dollars. 


private 


to LEN Iran/Contra commi 
Meese ІП suffered a 
ny at сам HO 
ing 
спас confirmation 
memory 
79 times. 


Number of states 
with lotteries: 26. 
. 
Mostprofitable state 
lottery: 
with a $6 
profit in fiscal 
1987. 


Percentage of New 
York Sunes general 
fund that comes from 
the lottery: 2.5 


RATE HIKE 


Numb 


of hours of 
me ТУ for 


ley Winter Olympics, 
two; for the 1988 Cal- 
gary game: 


the Attorney 


failed 


t oadcast the 
: $309,000,000. 


GRADUATION TIME 


Percentage of American high school 
enrollees who graduat 
б 
Sac with the highest graduation 
rate: Minnesota, 914 percent; with the 
lowest: Florida, 62 percent. 
. 
Average amount spent per year оп an 
American high school student $3752. 
. 
State with the 11 950 ber pupil ex 


per pupil in 
$3590. 


HOME, SWEET HOME 
Average monthly mortgage payment 
»cw US. home іп 1987: $1063. 
. 
ng high monthly mort- 
Boston, $1549.40; New 


le, 8799; and St. 
Louis, $768. 


Short, William Shatner, Suzanne Somers, 
Alan Thicke and Donald Sutherland 

The I Was a Star on Saturday Night Live, 
Dropped Off the Face of the Earth and 
Now I'm Back Pack—Jane Curtin, Tim 
Kazurinsky, Jim Belushi, Billy Crystal, 
Laraine Newman and Garreu Morris. 

The | Said Um Sorry; May | Please 
Come Back? Pack—Richard Nixon, Gary 
Hart and Jimmy the Greek. 

The One Guy Who 
Doesn't Need a Pack Pack 


So Gool He 
Il Murray 


BOA CONSTRICTION? 


Apparel researchers (apparelists?) at 
Cornell University recently pressed be- 
yond the established literature on danger 
ous fashions. Earlicr work showed that 
tight collars and ties can stem the flow of 
blood to the bi and other sensory (yes!) 
organs and that such reduced circulat 
can lead to fainting attacks and harde 
of the arteries, among other disasters. 

Now the Cornell crowd that 
collars can cause poor eyesight, too. One 
subject wore his collar so tight thatan oph- 
thalmologist couldn't detect any pulse in 
the veins of his retinas. Twelve percent of 
the subjects wore their collars tighter than 
he did. 

In a test that measures how 
retina responds to changing frequencit 
a flickering light, men with tight collars 
performed more slowly than others. 

So what can you do about it? Loosen up. 
Researchers advise that you measure your 
neck once in a while to see that neck and 
collar size still match. Sixty-seven percent 
of the guys in the study wore collars that 
were foo small. Must have been that 
‘Arnold Schwarzenegger workout video. 


QUID PRO VID 


The recent movie No Mans Land, in 
which hot Charlie Sheen plays a car thief 
with a penchant for Porsches, didn't do too 
well in theaters, but watch for it to come 
out flying on cassette. Why? Orion Home 
Video is adding a little incentive—a chance 
to win the pictures m prop, a custom- 
built 911 Porsche wingback. Check it ош at 
video stores. . . George Jetson and his 
family finally get to meet the Flintstones, 
thanks to Hanna-Barbera and Worldv 
Home Video. Even early-Saturday-morn- 
ing risers haven't seen this one. Its an all- 
new full-length animated movie (and you 
thought they were real) thats sure to 
bridge the light-year gap. We hear Elroy 
really puts the moves on Pebbles. . . . And 
on the subject of hot romance, there's Heat. 
The Andy Warhol creation, directed by 
Paul Morrissey and starring Sylvia Miles 
and Joe Dallesandro, became a cult c 
nearly two decades ago. Now Paramounts 
Mystic Fire division has released it on cas- 
sette as part of a hip and outlandish 
Warhol/Morrissey trilogy: The two other 
sare Flesh and Trash. Pick some up. 


For people who like to smoke... 


EN 
DENSON t HEDGES. 


100 3 


É BENSON & HEDGES 
! because quality maten, | 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 


Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 4 
10 mg “tar” 0.7 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, FIC Report Ғеб.85) 


PLAYBOY 


16 


366443. Good Morning 
епот, orginal moion 
релге soundirod (АВМ) 
346957. Steve Winwood 
—Bock in The High life. 
[e] 
360016. Spyro Gyro 
Stones Without Words. 
¡Doral МСА) 
334607-394601. 
Corpenters— Yesterday 
Once More, (AZM) 
aan 

In Ble; more. 
Thoncs es Angles Fi 
IDigiol CES Mosterworks} 
339903. The Cors — 
Greatesi His. Eleko} 
342097. Barbro Sreis- 


336396-396300. Billy 
Joels Greatest Hits, 

Yol. 1 & 2. Columba 
343715. Vivoldi Four 
Seasons—Moozelcond. 
[Digral CBS Mosterwoks) 
344184. Copland: Billy 
TheKid/RodeoBallets — 
Slatin, St Lous Sym. 
¡Digtol—Angel) 

344622. Anita Boker— 
Ropture. [Elektra 

345199. Beethoven 
Overtures— Bovoron 
Rado Orch. С. Davi. 
IDigsol— CES Masterworks) 
345827 Bob Jomes ond 
David Sonbom—Double 
Vision. omer Bros) 


346544. Kenny G—Duo- 


Jones. (Aristo) 
347192. Glenn Miler 


* 


Mood. IDgtol—GfF) 


354449. U2—The Joshuo 
Tree, (song) 

347567. Gershwin's Song 
Bock & Other Music For 
Piono Solo— leonard) 
Pennoni. (Angel 

347955. Huey Levis 8 The 
News —Forel (Chrysolk) 
348318. The Police— 

Every Breoth You Toke— 
The Singles. (AEM) 
348458. Dvorok: Cello 
Corcerto— Ye Yo Mo; 
Moozel Berin Phu, 
See- CES Masterworks) 
348649. Pachelbel Conon 
& Other DigtolDeighis— 


348987-398982. lindo. 
Ronstadt Round Mid- 
night. (Asylum) 
349134-307139. 
Beethoven: Sonatos 
Pioro & Viclin, Vol. 2— 
Stem, some, (Ogi — 
Seen e 
349985, Johnny Mathis! 
Herry Mancini—The 
Hollywood Musicals. 
(Combe) 

350587 Kathleen Ronie 
Sings Mozart. Angel 
351601. Mozart: 
Requiem  Mclgoro. 
Grond cure (Donal 
CBS Masterworks) 
352534. Holst: Planets 
LÀ. Dass. Toronto Symph 
(Digtol—Angel) 

352633. Dolly Porton 
lindo RenstoduEmmylou 
Horris-Irio. (Warner Bros) 
3537718 7 
Pioro Tio. (Digitol CBS] 


elo Tien 
secet 


5 
— Tengo ln The Nicht. 
[WomerBros] 

300974. Squeeze— 
Bobylon And On (A&M) 
354472. Exoose—Expo- 
sure (Агас) 

354514, Jody Watley. (MCA) 
354951. Mozon: Flute 
Quartets Rampal, Sten. 
Accordo, Rostropovich, [Dar 
tel CBS Mosterworts) 
354085. Bilic Holidoy- 
From The Original Decca 
Mosters. [Digioly Remas- 
tered МСД 


(Gefen) 
35515-39511. Frince— 
Sign 'O' The Times. 

[Posle Pod] 

355164. Vladimir Horowitz 
Plays Favorite Encores. 
{CBS Mosterworks) 

355172. Ravel: Ropsodie/ 
Velses/Povone/Aborado/ 
ек. Previn Royal Phil 
(Ogita—Angel) 

3555/8. Hanson: Sym- 
phony No. 2 'Rementicl, 
Berber; Violin Concerto. 
Olvera; Slatkin, St. Lous: 
Syn. [Diol Angol 


Animas. (Сор) 
357087. GrorefulDead— 
in The Dark (Aristo) 
356279. Glorio Estefan 
And Місті Sound 
Machine -Lorh Loose. 
(Epil 

356287. Suzanne Ve 
Soimude Standing. (AM) 
356329. Randy Тем» 
Alwoys & Forever. 

(Warner Bros.) 

350501. Benson/klugh 
—Collaborotion, 

(Warner Bros.) 

357079. Michael Brecker. 
[Deal -NCA impuso] 


Classics of the 50's, 60's 8: 70's 


138586. Bob Dylon's 
Greotest Hits. (Cokmbio} 
219177 Simon & 
Garfunkel's Greatest 

Hits. (Colombo 

231670. Joris Joplin's 
Greatest His. (Columbia) 
244459. Sontona's 
Greatest His. (Colunbiol 
260638. Ch 

Greotest His. 

269365. Тһе Bond—the 
вез Of The Bond. (Copio) 
286914. Fleetwood Мос 
— Rumours. (Wamer Bros) 
287003. Eogles Greatest 
Hits 1971-1975. (Asykan) 
291278. The Doobie 
Brothers—Bestof the 
Docbies. (Wore Bios. 
291526. Emerson, іске 

3 Pelmer—Brein Salod 
Surgery, (Alar) 


292243. Jockson Browne. 
— The Pretender. Ae 
293597 Led Zeppelin — 
Houses Of The Holy. 
(месі 

308049. Creedence 
Clearwater Revival 
Featuring Jchn Fogerty! 
— Chrovicle. 20greotes 
his! Fantasy) 
319996-399998. 
Motowns 25% | Hits 
Fom 25 Yeors. (Мою 
341073. A Decode of 
Steely Dan. MCA) 
342501. The Byrds Great- 
est Hits. (Cc 

343657. Chuck Berry — 
The Greot fende Ke 

1 5 mty-Eghi 


345157. Jethro Tull — 
Pauclung. r 
346445. Beach Boy — 
Made mA. 

C 


350645, Rolling Stones— 

Sticky Fingers. oling 

Stones! 

351957. Yes—Frogile. 

(Aare) 

353102. JimiHendrix— 

Are You Experienced? 

ede 

Gee een 
Joors, (Dooly 

Remastered—Eletira) 


358887 Grateful Dead 


364430. Col Stevens— 
Closscs Volume 24. A&M) 
364935. Trafic—John 
Borleycom Must Die. 
fond 


365361. The Who's 
Groatest Hits. (MCA) 
367102. loni Michel. — 
Court ond Spork (Asylum) 


359075. Aerosmith fer. 
monent Vacohon. (Geter) 
360107. Billy Ido! — Viral 
Idol. (Chrysalis 


357350. Duke! E 
Orcestro— Digital Duke. 
(Озю GRE] 

357368. Hiroshimo—Go. 
(Epc) 

357640. W 
Morsals—Stendord 
Time. (Combo) 

357657. Beethoven: Piano 
Concerto No. 5— 
Pascha (Digitol CBS, 
Masterworks) 

357871. Tchaikovsky: 
Weltzes— S. Comssiono 
‘ond Horton Symphony. 
(Digioi Pro Anel 

357889. Coplond ві 
Treks Apt elerh 
Spring: etc — Bemsten, МҮ 
Phi (Ògioly Remastered — 
CBS Mesterworks) 

358127 Kronos Quartet 
White Mon Sleeps. 
Velone; es; Bock, ec. 
(Dici Nonesuch) 
358663. The Art сі Allred 
Brendel Volume 1 — inv: 
osoPieces Werden 
358929. Elton John Live In 
Australio. [MCA 

358937. Hondel: Royal 
Fireworks Music— Mew- 
hin, Royal Ph. боны 
MCA Chassics/RPO) 
350018. Pet Metheny 


Greup—Sill Life (Talking). 
(ode 


Voughn— Brazlion 
Romance with Millon 
Nascimento. СВМ) 
35071. Brahms: Piono 
Quartet, Op. 25— Mer 
fede Meteo e T. 
Апола Cuesta 
e CBS Masterworks} 
359927 Debbie Gibson 

= Our of the Ble. Aor] 


6716. Rob s 
eo 


61170. Yes—Big 


366435. Tom Scott Generotor. (co) 
Sireomines.[Dgaoi—GRF] Sen Rodgers And 
361139. REM. — Hommerstein’s Corousel 


Document. [RS] 


361022 Tchaikovsky, 
Symphony No. 6— 
Соло Abbado, Chcogo 
Symph. Orch (Dgo 


Gosses) 


(CRSMosterwors] Suppe, more. (Dgiol— 
361048 Dione Schuur пола 
‘ond the Count Вазо 361600. 10,000 Maniacs 


Orchestra. (Digital {CRP} 


FROM BUDDY —TO THE BOSS. Now is 
eosy lo odd the best ol yesterday ond lodoy 
lo your CD collection. As ospeciol iniroduc- 
onto the CBS Compoct Disc Club, you con 
pick опу sx CDs for Іс All you do isfillin ond 
mol the opplicotion—we'llsend your six CDs 
ond bill you only Іс plus shipping ord 
hondling. You simply ogres to buy four more 
CDs (ot regulor Club prices] inthe next two 
yeors—ond youmoy then concel your 
membership onytime alter doing so. 

How the Club works. Abou! every four 
weeks (I3 times o yeor) youll receive the 
Clubs music mogozine, which describes the 
Selectionol the Month... plus mony exciting 
olternotes from every licld of music. In 
addition, up fo six mes o yeor, youmoy 
receive olfers of Special Selections, usvolly 
ot discount off regular Club prices, for o 
тото! of up 10 19 buying opportunities. 

If youvnshto receive the Selection of the 
Month, you need do nothng—itwillbe 
shipped outomoticolly. If vou prefer on olter 
hole selection, or none ot all, fillin the 
response cord olwoys provided ond moila 


by the dote specified. You will olwoys hove ol 


Solections with two numbers conicin 2 CDs 
ond count cs 2—so wite in both numbers. 


Borbora Cook, боті 
Romey. (Digitol MCA, 


361279. World's Greatest 
Overtures— Strauss, 


In My Tribe (Велт) 


256154 Whitney! 


ert Plant шым 


Houston 
ал) Dreh (Deed Ramn. 


362525. Steve Win- 


Michael- 
отра) 


364018, Foreigner 345189. lames Taylor. 


inside Informolion. (Ador) Never Die Young 
362640. Lindo Ron- — 
Stodt—ConcionesDe 395244. Verdi 
Mi Podre. (Asylum) Requiem — Mui. Phio Or 
362657. Modonno—You (Dgiat—Ange} 

Con Dance. [Ste] 365254-395251. Modimir 
362665. Cher—Cher. Teltsmon's American "Live 
(Ger) Debut Racordedive ot Cor- 


rege Hol. (Dgo! CBS 
‘Mosterworks) 

365379. Mies Davis — 
Milestones (Digioly Вето 
tored—Cl Jazz Most] 
365502 George Thoro- 


363051. Brahms: Fiano 
Concerto No. 2; etc. — 
Е, Serkun; Szell, Cleveland 
tered CBS Masterworks) 
363655. Borry Moni- 


wood Conde (Mond bee Surg ені доог the Destroyers 

361972. Bily Joel 262251. Ahmad vel ur dede. | BemabeBed. EM 
Kohuepin Concert Crystal (Atlantic Jazz) БАУ eier ‘Monhotion) 
sem ӨШ АЕА 

EE ers Pun 363994. Lee Ritenour— pony тозак hero) аа 
Hole According lo (Corb) Ponit [GR uon eode Conc 
foren CCC 
30209 BelindaCorisle | Мі Boh бесі) e с ео Down these Walls 
—Heaven On Earth. [MCA] Remasered—MCA Classics} (бме/ Ало) 


362152, Robbie 
Robertson. Сево) 
362236. Tory Bennett— 
Benneti/Berlin. (Columbich 


leos! 10 days in which to moke your decision, 
If you ever receive ory Selection without 
hoving IO days to decide, you moy return it 
ol our expense, 

The CDs you order during your member: 
ship willbe billed ot regulor Club prices, 
which currently ore 51298 10 $159B—plus 
shipping ond hondling. (Multiple-unit sets 
moy be Oh higher) After completing 
yourenrollment ogreement you moy concel 
membership ot ory time, il you decide 10 
continue os o member, youl be eligible lor 
‘our money-soving bonus plon. It lets you buy 
one CD о! half price for each CD youbuy ot 
requiar Club prices. 
10-Day Free Trial: Well send detols of the 
Clubs operotion with your introductory ship- 
ment. If you ore no! sotisfied lor ony reason 
whotsoever, just return everything within IO 
doys ond you will hove no further obligations. 
So why nat choose 6CDs for К right now? 
ADVANCE BONUS OFFER: As o speciol 
olier ro new members, toke оле oddioncl 
Compoct Disc right now ond poy only $695. 
is ochonce ta get o seventh selection o! o 
super low price! 


€ 1988 CBS Records Inc. 


CBS COMPACT DISC CLUB: Terre Haute, IN 47811 


362343. Stevie Wonder 
— Choraders. [Mec] 
362541. Pretenders—The 
Singles. (Sre) 


cio Espognol. Cg — 
Ordoj 
304885. Neville Marri- 
пег The Sound Of The 
Acodemy. Diarol Angel 
тете 
CBS COMPACT DISC CLUB, 1400 N. Fru 
| FO. Box 1129. Terre Houe, Indiono 4781-1129 
| Ресве accepımymembershp application under the terms outinedin the | 
adverisemant Send me the 6 Compacı Dscsisted here ond bil me 
| pis shppng ond handing lor dl six. lege lo buy four more selections 
| герде Cb cese he сотга мо ors endmoy concelmy 
'membershp ci any Ime chier doing so 
SEND ME THESE O CDS FOR. IK 


36661. ACIDC Bow Up 
Your Video. (Antic 


366393 Ricky Skoggs— 
Comin’ Home o Stay. (рс) 


== E 


та | 


КІШІ ДІ 
Срок DSOFTROCK 


тәу okoy: hoes Iomanpeniegen, 
U See 
COPOP/EASY USTENING 


м 
Mrs 
Miss — 


Address - Apt 25 


| су === 


Doyouhow ebe зе NO ace 
eee Dies Ono 


Т ADVANCE BONUS OFFER: Aso sende a 
p TN n 
Spa SE. OS, wineh wal елге от 

Еее ЫН 
Hier Caradar nes cent servind om іс AJhcab shes ads order 
— 1188880 8 


E pl EE. 4 


| 
| soe Ze 1 
l 


11 


18 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


AS A CRITIC who admitted relishing the lu- 
natic pleasures of Liszlomania and Gothic, 1 
сап safely say that director Ken Russell has 
done it again with Selomes last Dance 
(Vestron). This movies decidedly not for 
everyone, and maybe not for anyone ex- 
cept previously committed Russellmaniacs 
with a high tolerance for wretched excess. 
Most of the movie is devoted to a camped- 
up performance of Oscar Wildes own 
Salome, banned as licentious back in 1892, 
here being privately staged for Wilde 
(Nickolas Grace) ina London brothel, with 
his lover Lord Douglas (Douglas Hodge) 
cast as John the Baptist. A squeaky-voiced 
housemaid (newcomer Imogen Millais- 
Scott) takes the head-hunting “daughter of 
Sodom” role, supported by a company that 
includes Glenda Jackson providing premi- 
um ham as Queen Herodias, opposite 
Stratford Johns as a very Wildean Herod. 
The general tone of the entertainment is 
established early on, when Wilde arrives 
with his paramour, Douglas, and ап- 
nounces that they are “as close as two testi- 
cles.” Тһе director himself appears briefly, 
typecast as an eccentric photographer 
recording the surrealistic scene for poster- 
ity. By the time the police crash in to arrest 
the author, it’s clear that Last Dance—de- 
spite the usual freaks, flesh and fa 
jokes—is a relatively tame and literate 
evening with Russell. ¥¥% 
. 

Before the Kennedy and Martin Luther 
King assassinations, before whole chunks 
of scary political history, The Manchurian 
Candidate (MGM/UA) w; exhilarating 
1962 suspense drama based on Richard 
Condons best seller. GI war prisoners 
brainwashed in Korea and sent home with 
murder on their minds gave everyone 
goose bumps, without benefit of the graph- 
ic gore and special effects that audiences 
take for granted today. Re-released a quai 
ter of a century later, John Franken- 
heimers mind bender—about prophetic 
and frightening events linked to Presiden- 
tial campaigning—looks better than ever. 
Laurence Harvey, Frank Sinatra, Janet 
Leigh and Angela Lansbury are the stars 
of a chilling, certified classic. ¥¥¥¥ 

. 

Director Henry JaglonYs movies, more 
often than not, are about а moviemaker 
very much like Jaglom himself, In Someone 
to Love (Rainbow/Castle Hill), he invites a 
group of Hollywood singles to a party ina 
Santa Monica theater, then asks them to 
talk to the camera about life, love and lone- 
liness. His guests—some famous, some 
simply talkative, some convinced that their 
host is crazy—range from Sally Kelle 


his brother, actor Michael Emil. All аге 


Salome's Hodge caged as John the Baptist. 


Attention, all Russell- 
maniacs; The Manchuriari 
Candidate returns. 


pretending to be characters somewhat like 
their private selves, and the results smack 
of group therapy—typically vague, satiri- 
cal, silly, poignant or self-indulgent. All of 
which may get tiresome fast, except that 
Jaglom’s guest of honor is his good friend 
the late, great Orson Welles, enthroned at 
the back of the theater to cajole and mock 
and contribute a kind of running com- 
mentary on the proceedings. In his last 
film appearance before his death in 1985 
Welles mocks Jaglom and company as 
generation of people who walk around 
holding up mirrors to themselves.” As wit- 
ty and wise as he is hilarious, and self- 
mocking, as well, Welles reminds his host, 
“Tm speaking from the cheap seats, not 
from Mount Sinai.” Jaglom succeeds by not 
taking his own egocentric sociology too se- 
riously, but we owe him a greater debt for 
leuing moviedom’s legendary neglected 
genius have the last word. ¥¥¥ 
. 

Stallone and Schwarzenegger would be 
wise to make room for Steven Seagal, He's 
just as big, or bigger, also beuerlooking 
and likely to launch a whole new series of 
he-man action dramas with Above the Law 
(Warner). Scagal is a 6'4” hunk and mar- 
tial-arts master who in real life has been a 
security agent/bodyguard to unnamed in- 
ternational statesmen. He dons two addi- 
tional hats as co-author and coproducer of 
the story unfolded by Law, which concerns 
CIA and FBI plots to traffic in arms, drugs, 
terrorism and “democracy” in ntral 
America. The subject could hardly be 


more topical, and Seagal could hardly be 
more typical as a virtually bulletproof 
Chicago cop who fights the forces of evil 
(Henry Silva calling the shots), bravely 
backs his partner (Pam Grier) and tries to 
keep his gorgeous wife (Sharon Stone) out 
of harm's way. A mysterious death squad 
оп the prowl in the Windy City proves 10 
be no match for our guy. With director An- 
drew Davis at the controls (Ais last direct 
hit was Chuck Norris’ 1985 Code of Si- 
lence), Seagal streaks through his screen 
debut like a state-of-the-art missile. ¥¥¥ 
. 

In A World Apart (Atlantic), another 
volatile political arena comes into focus 
under the penetrating glance of cine- 
matographer Chris Menges, who won a 
1984 Oscar for The Killing Fields. Here, 
Menges, making his impressive debut a: 
director, substitutes dramatic intensity for 
visual fireworks. The story hes telling, 
based on fact, is about one South African 
woman's stubborn fight against apartheid 
circa 1963. The herome, vividly portrayed 
by Barbara Hershey, is a fanatic leftist lib- 
eral who's sent to jail for "serving alcoholic 
beverages to blacks" and is held there 
for other alleged crimes against white 
supremacy, particularly that of refusing to 
name her “Commie” associates. While she 
languishes behind bars, driven to self- 
doubt and attempted suicide, her teenaged 
daughter (Jodhi May in a tour de force of 
precocity) becomes a kind of Devil's advo- 
Cate, questioning whether political militan- 
cy should outweigh the obligations of 
motherhood. Its a bone-deep dilemma, 
projected with unrelenting honesty. ¥¥¥ 

. 

Sweet as it seems on the surface, there's 
ig bite in Zelly and Me (Columbia), 
director Tina Rathbornes minor 
but affecting drama about a poor, or- 
phaned little rich girl down in Virginia 
caught between her cruel guardian grand- 
ma (Glynis Johns) and her beloved, loyal 
governess (Isabella Rossellini as Mademoi- 
selle, a.k.a. Zelly). Child abuse disguised as 
s the gist of it, with I-year-old 
neophyte actress Alexandra Johnes a per- 
fect Phoebe, whose youthful resilience 
turns out to be a greater asset than either 
of the strong-willed women in her life can 
comprehend. Not the least of director 
Rathborne’s fresh touches is her casting of 
another director, David Lynch, in his first 
screen role. A man whose dark-side cine- 
matic decadence runs the gamut from 
Eraserhead to Blue Velvet, Lynch is a sur- 
prise as Rossellini’s mild-mannered beau 
Willie (yes, Virginia, they're an off-screen 
item, as well). Like Zell, Lynch is enjoyable 
but not at all what you'd expect WW 

. 

Imagine а blind woman on a pleasure 
boat in the Caribbean with three other 
passengers who will stop at nothing, but 


You used to hate it when he told you what to do. 
Now sometimes you wish he would. 


What are you saving the Chivas for? 


To send а gift of Chivas Regal anywhere in the U.S.A., 
call 1-800-238-4373. Void where prohibited. 


Ned Cord Orders Only. 


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nothing, to lay their hands on some buried 
ireasure. “Why did | get glaucoma?" 
groans Faye Dunaway іп Inight Crossing 
(Vestron) before she proceeds 1 ouw 
Daniel J. Travanú, as her weacherous hus- 
band, The real question ought to be, Why 
does a star of Dunaway’s stature wind up 
in а soggy suspense potboiler? Answer 
Show me a screenplay about a sightless 
woman in jeopardy, and ГІ show you a 
flamboyant actress weighing an offer she 
can't refuse. Whats more, Faye almost 
makes it work. But Crossing is clearly a case 
of the blind leading the bland. ¥¥ 


While fixing breakfast at his home in 
England, rocker Ozzy Osbourne chats 
amiably about sex, drugs and depravity 
During a running interview with Aero- 
smiths Steve ‘Tyler and Joe Perry, self- 
described as “the toxic twins,” Tyler quips, 
“You can really fuck to а good Aerosmith 
song.” And a member of the British group 
called London adds, "We are not role mod- 


We like Sikes. 


OFF CAMERA 


There's a scrumptious new siren 
wooing Dudley Moore in Arthur 2 
on the Rocks, a soon-due sequel to 
Arthur directed by Bud Yorkin 
Seems Arthurs marriage 10 L 
Minnelli is a troubled one, making 
him fair game for Cynthia Sikes, play 
ing his so kes 
a long stint on NBC's 51. Elsewhere 
what she calls “a somewhat sterile 
doctor role, giving everyone shots,” 
and just recently played asexy judge 
in a multipart gig on L.A. Law. Co- 
incidentally, her Arthur role is the 
one originated by L.A. Laws Jill 
Eikenberry. “Jill was too busy with 
the TV show to do the movie, which 
ıs my good luck. My character, the 
old girlfriend, has been running 
art gallery and biding her time, 
stuck on Arthur.” On screen, Cyr 
thia—well, you can guess—loses her 
man. Off screen, her Sign 
Other is Yorkin, who has cast her 
with Jeff Daniels in yet another ro- 
mantic comedy, Love Hurts, and pre- 
dicts, "She's definitely going to be a 
star She's охе 


15.” He speaks for a majority of the musi- 
cians іп The Decline of Western Civilization 
Part Il; The Metal Years (New Linc), director 
Penelope Spheeris’ astute and outrageous 
sequel to her earlicr epic about the L.A. 
punk scene. The heavy metalists of Decline 
are largely antisocial, antiparental and, 
perhaps, with some notable exceptions, 
antimusical. Take that as fair warning 
that the noisy performance footage here 
is overshadowed by Spheeris candid 
glimpses of her subjects at leisure—Gene 
Simmons of Kiss apparently shopping at 
Frederick's of Hollywood, or his colleague 
Paul Stanley smugly lounging through an 
interview about groupies and sexism while 
affectionate bimbeites (including April 
1986 Playmate Teri Weigel) stroke his 
thighs. The title cogently sums up the 
movies message, which conceals its sly so- 
cial comment with head-banging, nose- 
thumbing impudence. ¥¥¥ 


Adapted from a book by retired judge 
Herbert J. Stern (since chosen as an out- 
side counsel to the Iran/Conira prosecu- 
тог), Judgment in Berlin (New Line) has 
Martin Sheen portraying Stern on one of 
his most famous cases. In 1979, Judge 
Stern bucked the U.S. State Departments 
prosecution of an East German defector 
who hijacked a Polish airliner and forced it 
to land in the American sector of West 
Berlin. While the U.S. was committed to 
a crackdown on interna al air piracy, 
Stern was committed to broader issues of 
freedom and justice. How the arguments 
were resolved before a jury in a tense 
Berlin courtroom is the business of Judg- 
ment, which brings out Sheen's staunchest 
do-gooder qualities. The big surprise in 
the movie, directed conscientiously by Leo 
Penn, is the compelling performance by 
his quick-tempered son Sean, sporting an 
entirely convincing accent as an East Ger- 
man refugee whose testimony clinches the 
defense. Although hardly more than a 
cameo, Sean's showstopping stint suggests 
that we have just begun to see what this 
mercurial actor can do. 1 

E 

As if to dispel the notion that William. 
Hurt is a fail-safe superstar, A Time of Des- 
tiny (Columbia) intervenes with a role so 
dim-witted in a screen saga so turgid that 
no actor alive could save it, Neither can 
rector Gregory (El Norte) Nava, who also 
has Timothy Hutton floundering gamely 
through a sea of clichés about two GI com- 
rades in arms on the Italian front during 
World War Two. We're asked to believe that 
Hunton doesn't know that the buddy (Hurt) 
whosc lifc he saves in battle is actually his 
sworn enemy, bent on revenge. How come? 
Because Hurt's the long-lost brother of the 
Greck girl (Melissa Leo) with whom Hut 
ton eloped in reel one, whose father died 
in a tragic accident while trying to drag his 
daughter home. They dont make movies 
like this one anymore, and for perfectly 
good reasons. Destiny is vintage corn with 
precious little pop. ¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Above the Law (Sec review) New macho 
man in town. Watch out, Rambo. ¥¥¥ 
Bobertes Feast (Reviewed 5/88) Haute 
cuisine traumatizes and scandalizes a 
bleak Danish village. vvv 
Biloxi Blues (6/88) Back to basic training 
with Neil Simon. vvv 
Bright Lights, Big City (6/88) Not so bad, 


but no way equals Ше book. WY 
Colors (6/88) Head-on collision of cops 
and drug dealers in East L.A. ww 


Consuming Passions (6/88) La Redgrave 
slumming in British low comedy. ¥ 
Da (6/88) Something about the Irish. 
richly sentimental and made magical by 
Barnard Hughes. PA 
The Decline of Western Civilization Part u 
(Sec review) Metallic. vu 
Hairspray (4/88) A last hurrah from Di- 
vine, and a dandy one at that WWA 
Judgment in Berlin (Sec review) Making 
a case for escape to the West. Wh 
Lady in White (Listed only) Lukas Haas 
of Witness in a defi, eerie cliff-hanger 
about a sensitive boy whose visions en- 
шара child murderer. WWA 
The Manchurian Candidate (See review) 
Revived, and still riveting. ww 
Midnight Crossing (Sce review) Miss 
Dunaway makes waves, and she can. ¥¥ 
The Milagro Beanfield War (L.isted only) A 
colorful but fairly minor skirmish. Di- 
rector Robert Redford means well, in- 
deed, but doesn't seem to really know 
either his beans or his campesinos. ¥¥V2 
‘Mondo New York (Listed 6/88) All the 


downtown underground scene. v 
A New Life (6/88) Divorce starts it for 
Ann-Margret and Alan Alda. vvv 


Solomes Last Dance (Sce review) Кеп 
Russell getting Wilde and woolly. ¥¥¥% 
Someone to Love (See review) Works best 
ава valentine to Orson. we 
Stand and Deliver (5/88) Advanced cal- 


culus comes to the barrio. wur 
Stormy Monday (6/88) Mostly churning 
around Melanie Griffith. We 


A Time of Destiny (See review) Hurt and 
Hutton stuck with a turkey. ¥ 
Tokyo Pop (6/88) A smashing debut for 
Carol Burnetts daughter Carrie. . 
Track 29 (6/88) An odd but arresting 
psychodrama by Roeg with Russell. ¥¥¥ 
The Unbearable Lightness of Being (5/88) 
A womanizer in love—Daniel Day-Lewis 
in a sexy and truly adult drama. YYYY 
White Mischief (6/88) Decadent Brits in 
Africa during World War Two. VVV 
A World Apart (Scc revicw) One woman's 
gallant battle against apartheid. ¥¥¥ 
Zelly and Me (Sce review) Mr. Lynch 
moonlighting in a mellow mood. VY 


YYVYY Outstanding 
YY Don't miss YY Worth a look 
¥¥¥ Good show Y Forget it 


23 


Robert Plant: Now And Zen * Heaven 
Knows, Tall Cool One, Ship Of Fools, 
EsPararea 134392 


Emanuel Ax: Beethoven, Piano Concer- 

tos Nos. 3 &4 + Royal Philharmonc/Previn, 

"Ax is a first-rate Beethoven player 
Gramophone RCA DIGITAL 154077 


Tina Turner: Break Every Rule + Two Peo- 
ple. Typical Male, Back Where You Startec. 
eic. Capitol DIGITAL 113333 


Harrison: Cloud Nine» Tile song, 
1 Got My Mind Set On You, more. Warner? 
Dark Horse. 174328 


Тһе Legendary Enrico Ceruso « Vesti la 


оа Celeste Adz, Celo e mar, La donna 
ie, 17 more. FEA. 134274 


Decade/Best Of Steely Dan + Rikki Dont 
Lose That Number, Reeing n The Years, Do 
WAgain, 11 тоге MCA 154135 


Sietkin Conducts Russien Showpieces 
Pictures At An Exhibition, Classical Sym 
phony. more. RCA DIGITAL 154358 
Kenny Rogers: 1 Preter The Moon! 

Nake NoMSoke Stes Mine ( оте 

sap). еіс RCA DIGITAL 162743 
Rod Stewart: Greatest Hits = Do Ya Think 
Im Sexy?, Tonights The Night, Maggie May. 
Hot Legs, etc. Warner Bros. 133779 
The Sound Of Music + Julie Andrews in the 
original soundtrack! Do-Re-Mi, My Favorite 
Things. more. RCA. 100046 
‘Starship: No Protection «Iis Not Over (Ti 
Its Over). Nolhings Gonna Stop Us Now ete. 
Grunt 163827 


Perry Como: Today + Nakng Love To You 


The Wind Beneath My Wings, The Best Сі 
Times, Youre Nearer etc. RCA 114787 


The Duxe Ellington Orchestra: 
Digital Duke 163356 


Dire Straits: Brothers In Arms» Money For 
Nothing. etc Warner Bros. DIGITAL 114734 


Popsin Space» John Wiliams & The Boston 
Pops Music кот Close Encounters. Super 
man, Star Wars, others 

Philips DIGITAL 105392 


La Bamba/Original Soundtrack + Los Lo: 
bos; Donna, La Bamba; more from Brian 
Setzer. Bo Diddley, cthers. 

Warner/Siash 120062 
Brahms, Symphony No. 1 = Vienna РЫ 
harmonic Orchestra’ Bernstein 

OG DIGITAL 125224 
Elvis Presley: The Sun CD » Thats All 
Бөрі. Good Rockin Tonight, Mikcow Blues 
Booge. Mystery Tran, etc. RCA 272289 
Kitaro: The Light Of The Spirit = Sun 
dance. Mysterious Encounter. The Field. In 
The Begnning. etc. Gelen DIGITAL 164228 
Andrew ebber, Variations; more 
‘Julian Lloyd н. cello, London Phihar. 
monıc/Maazel. Philips DIGITAL | 115473 


Lionel Richie: Can't Slow Down = AlI Night 
Long Penny Lover, Running With The Night 
Hello, etc. Motown 110767 
Tomita's Greatest Hits» Also sprach Zara: 
musta, Bolero, Pachelbel Ganon, Clar de 
une. 10 more. RCA 253955 


Jimi Hendrix: Kiss The Sky » Purple Haze. 
AI Along The Watchtower. Voodoo Chic. 
Are You Experienced, elc. Reprise 161349 
Parton/Ronstadt/Harris: Trio » To Know 
Tim is То Love Him, Those Memones Ct 
You. elc. Wainer Bros. 114804 
Phil Collins; No Jecket Required « Sus 
sudio, One More Night, Dont Lose My 
Number. Take Home, Inside Ou. ete 

Aarne 120771 


Whitney Houston: Whitney 152854 


Fleatwood Mac: Tengo In The Night + Big 
Love, Seven Wonders, Little Lies, titles 
Mystilied. eic. Warner Bros. 15404 
Kenny С: Duotones • Songbird, What 
Does I Take (To Wn Your Love}. eic. 


Ansa мазаз 
Rimsky-Korsakov, Scheherazade = Vienna 
Phil Previn. Philips DIGITAL 15415 


Bon Jovi: Slippery When Wet + You Give 
Love ABadName, etc Mercury 143465 


Tchaikovsky, 1812 Overture; Romeo & 
Juliet; Nutcracker Suite + Chicago Sym 
phony Orchestia Soll 

London DIGITAL 125179 


Strike Up The Band—The Canadian Brass 
Plays George Gershwin» Title song. Porgy 
& Dess Sue, more. FCA DIGITAL 160020 


Crosby, Sulis, Nash & Young: Greatest 
Hits (So Far)» Suite Judy Blue Eyes, Teach 
Your Children, etc, Atlantic 180230 


Bach, Brandenburg Concertos Nos. 1-3 
The English Concert/Pinnock. Archiv 
DIGITAL 15541 


Medonna: You Сап Dence * Spotlight 
Physical Atraction, Wheres The Party Into 
The Groove. more. Sire 1348 


Dave Grusin: Cinemagic + Themes from 
Tootsie, Heaven Can Wait, On Golden Pond. 
Goonies, Tee Daya Ol The Cordun, elc 


GRP DIGITAL 133316 


Steve Winwood: Chronicles » Higher 
Lowe, Wie You See A Chance, Valerie, Ny 
Loves Leavin. more Island 134501 


Jimmy Buffet: Songs YouKnow By Heart/ 
Greatest Hit(s) Margaritaville. Come Mon- 
day. A Pirate Leoks Al Forty, ele 

MCA 142157 
Dvořák, Symphony No. 9 (New World) 
Chicago Symphony Grchesira/sonl. "Su- 
perlatively cood "Gramophone 
London DIGITAL 115168 
Eric Clapton: Time Pieces (The Best ON 
Layla, | Shot The Shenif, Aher Midnight. 
Knockin On Heavenis Door. etc. 

Polydor 123385 


tzhak Perlman: Mozart, Violin Concertos 


Nos. 3 & 5 Vienna Philharmonic! 
Levne. “Ravishing.” Gramophone 
DG DIGITAL 115146 


Whitesnake * Here Со Again. Stil Ol The 
Night, Give Me All Your Love. Crying ln The 
Rai. Bed Boys. тоге Gelen 163628 


Galway & Yamashita: Italian Serenade 
Fluto & guitar works by Paganini. Cimarosa 
Gwlantancoiners, RCA DIGITAL. 173824 


Boston: Third Stage * Amanda, Were 
Ready. Cantcha Say (You Believe Me). Stil 
in Love, Holy Ann. etc. MCA 173362 


Pops In Love» John Williams & The Boston 
Pope: Claw de lune. Gymnopédios Nos. 18. 
2, Pachelbel Canon. more. 

Phiips DIGITAL 


Dirty Dancing’ 
Original Soundtrack 


182522 


U2: The Joshua Tree = With Or Without You, 
I Stil Haven't Found What Fm Looking For, 
Red Hill Mining Town, etc. Island 183501 


Mozart, Symphonies Nos. 40 & 41 (Jupi- 
ler) * Chicago Symphony Orchestra led by 
James Levine. АСА DIGITAL 104810 
Genesis: Invisible Touche Land Ol Contu- 

ion, tile song, etc. Atlantic 153720 


Van Cliburn: Rachmaninoff, Piano Con- 
cerlo No. 3; Prokofiev, Piano Concerto 
No. 3 = 73 minutes of brilliant keyboard 
artistry! ACA 163651 
Heifetz: Bruch, Violin Concerto No. 1 & 
Scottish Fantasy; Vieuxtemps, Violin 
Concerto No. 5 * 65 minutes ol pure 
perfection! RCA 144363 
The Who: The Who's Greatest Hits Му 
Generation, Pinball Wizard, Won't Get 
Footed Адап, more. MCA 164160 
Randy Travis: Always And Forever ruce Hor Ri 

Forever Ard Ever Amen. Too Gone o ISKano nee ede ben 
Long. more Warner Bros 16397 RCA 163918 


HOROKTZINNOSCON ° | 
ee 


Horowitz in Moscow 125264 


Huey Lewis & The News: Fore! Hp To Be 
Square, Stuck With You. Jacobs Ladder 
more. Chrysalis 154576 


Michael Feinstein: Remember/Irvi 
Berlin Songs + Alexanders Ragtire Band. 
Put) On The Ritz, Change Pariners, more, 
Elektra 153947 


Foreigner: Inside Information + Title song 
Say You Will Heart Turns To Stone, more. 


вапіс 14330 
The Judds: Heartland * Dont Be Cruel 
Cow Cow Boogie. etc. RCA 16036 


Kingdom Come » Gel tt On, Loving You. 
What Love Can Ве, more. Polydor 154082 


Toscanini: Beethoven, Symphonies Nos. 
1183 (Eroica) + NEC Symphony Orchestra 
aly remastered, soncaly brand rewi 
John Cougar Mellencamp: тағар 
ie Lonesome Dee Venen Robbie Robertson « Snowdovin At BIg Sky. 
‘Sweet Fre Of Love. Fallen Angel. Brokeri 

Arrow more. Gefen 144460 


The Band: The Best Of The Band • The 
Жет. Stage поти Tre Shape in tn, Up 
арріе Creek Capitol Taak 


Wagner, Orchestral Highlights From 
r's Ring e Vienna Philharmonic” 

Solti Fide Of The Valkyries, others 

London DIGITAL 115425 

Mr. Mister: Go Dn“ Something Real (Inside 

Me/Inside You), The Border Stand And De- 

liver, ele ACA 144127 


The Beach Boys: Endless Summer 
Самота Giris. Help Me Rhonda, Surfer 
Girl, more. Capitol 223559 


Led Zepplin IV (Runes) = Stairway To 
Heaven, Rock & Ной, Black Dog. Misty 
Mountain Hop, others. Atlantic 112014 


Heart: Bad Animals » Alone, Who Wil You 
Run To. elc. Capitol 153552 


Strauss, Also sprach Zarathustra • Plus 
Der Rosenkavaiier Waltzes. more. Chicago 
Symphony Orchestra/Feiner. RCA 163627. 


Charlie Parker & Dizzy Gillespie: Bird & 
Diz » Leap Frog. My Melancholy Baby, 
Mohawk, Relaxin With Lee. elc. 

GRP DIGITAL 173413 


Metheny Group: Stil Lite (Talking) 
(ifs Just) Tak, Last Train Home, Thrd Wine 
More. Genen 140073 
‘The Jackson 5: Greatest Hits | Want You 
Back, ABC. II Be There The Love You Save 
Maybe Tomorrow, ete. Motown 153875 
02: Under A Blood Red Sky + "Live" U2! E 
Sunday Bloody Sunday, New Years Day | 

Wi Follow Giona etc land 153868 


Jazz CD Sampler * Over 67 minutes oljazz, 
Mith 15 classic performances by Ella, Arr- 
strong, Basie, Getz, etc, PayGram 173406 


Clossie Old & Gold, Wenn - 20 hits! A Linie 
‚Bi ОГ Soul, Hes So Fine, А Teenager In 
Love, Sweet Talkin Guy eie Laune 134627 


Dovid Lee Roth: Skyscraper = Just Like 
Paradise, Damn Good. Knucklebones 
Stand Up more. Wamerfiros. 153674 


Тһе Glenn Miller Orchestra: In The 
Digital Mood • In The Mood, Chattanooga 
¡Choo-Choo. more. GRP DIGITAL 143253 


Billy Ocean: Tear Down The Walls « Tile 
. Get Outta My Dreams Get Into My 
Car, more. Jive 16417 


рее 
pa 


Holst, The Planets/Dutoit 115448 


START NOW WITH 4 COMPACT DISCS! 
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TS 
0 , Paul Simon: Graceland + You Can CallMe Al. 
The Boy In The Bubble, Diamonds Cn the 

Soles Ot Her Shoes. tc 
Warmer Bros 17295 


Alabama: Greatest Hits + She And |, Why 
Lady Why, Feels So Right, ele RCA 120247 


Pravin: Gershwin + Rhapsody іп Blue, Con- 
сепоіп Emre. Philips DIGITAL 115437 


Eagles: Gt. Hits, Vol. 1» Take I To The Limit, 
One Of These Nights, Take It Easy, others, 
Asylum 123481 


Elvis: 41 Hits 172190 Beethoven, Symphony No. 9 = M. Price. 
Horne, Vickers, Salminen, А.У Choral Artists; 


New York Phiharmonic/Mehta. 


Bucay Holy: From The Original Maser FERDA «зт 

5 

So Easy, Rave On. e MCA 120069 Don Henley: Buildis ms Ree 
z The Boys Of Summer, Ай She Wants To Do 15. 

e 158030 Sumyar, An Sha viaris T Do s 


lish Concert. Archiv DIGITAL 115356 


Anita Baker: Rapture + Sweet Love 
Caught Up In The Rapture, Same Ole Love, 
You Bring Me Joy. more Elektra 173404 


Poter Gabriel: So » Sledgehammer, Big 
Time, In Your Eyes, Red Rain, elc. 


GRP Live in Session « Mountain Dance, 51 
Elsewhere, Oasis, The Rit Variations, elc. 
GRP DIGITAL 134459 


Dwight Yoakam: НШЬШу Deluxe » Little 
Ways, Litle Sister, Smoke Along The Track 


Getter, 114764 Johnson's Love, elc. Reprise 164146 


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1 
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D 0 Б o 
always free to choose from any (check one only) ! 
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1 am most interested in the musical category checked here—but | ат 
AD EASY LISTENING (instumentavocal Moods) BL] COUNTRY 
l HARD ROCK ОО POP/SOFTROCK Е CLASSICAL 


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26 


DAVE MARSH 


wonLD por has always struck me as a dubi- 
ous notion. We live in a world market, it's 
true, but music ought to have reasons oth- 
er than marketing for coming to be. And 
the superficial virtues of Graceland aside, 
musicians speak the same language only to 
one another, not necessarily to their audi- 
ences. How do you pos African 
juju for American audiences, to whom 
even the salsa and norteño of their nearest 
neighbors seem too exotic? 

As it happens, Talking Heads has the 
answer. Naked (Sire) simply adds elements 
of juju and salsa—not to mention country, 
which sounds equally foreign, or at least 
unfamiliar, to pop fans these days—to the 
band’s usual funk-and-rock mix. Whats 
startling is how effortlessly it works; Naked 
feels nothing like an experiment. And by 
giving the Heads a new and sturdy musical 
basis, it takes the emphasis off David 
Byrne's lyrics and puts it back on the sound 
as a whole, where it's better off. 

Relieved of the obligation to carry the 
show, Byrne’s words strike me as the best 
he's ever come up with. He's always sung 
about the end of the world as we know 
but most of the time, it has felt like any old 
world. This time, he gets down to cases. 
On (Nothing But) Flowers, Byrne imagines 
industri ty blasted hack to the stage 
of primitive agriculture, and he sums up 
his feelings with a series of near-perfect 
epigrams: “If this is paradise, I wish I had. 
alawn mower.” 

One thing is clear—the music matters 
this time. Not only because it provides the 
best opportunity most Americans will 
have to judge world pop for themselves but 
because it gives Talking Heads its first set 
of songs whose essence is in the sounds. 


NELSON GEORGE 


My first passion of 1988 was Brenda Rus- 
sell's Get Here, but my first great love of 
this year is the debut LP Tracy Chapman 
(Elektra). In her early 20s, fresh out of 
Tufis University, Chapman to blend 
hells early folkie romanticism 
Ш Withers’ earnest. working-class 
convictions and Gil Scott-Heron's radical 
politics, It’s heady company, but Chapman 
can hang. Her songs are self-conscious po- 
litical anthems (Talkin! ‘Bout а Revolution), 
denunciations of wife abuse (Behind the 
Wall) and of racism (Across the Lines) or 
feminist ballads (Fast Car). Don't get the 
idea that Chapman is some dour pop prop- 
agandist; her love songs are emotional (If 
optimistically naive as 
ics. Sometimes, it seems Chap- 
man’s young mind is wrestling with the 
needs of both sex and sexual politi 
struggle that gives the album an engaging 
complexity If on occasion her words 


Neked: T Heads go ape? 


Pop hybrid from 
Talking Heads; pop 
cop from Kingdom Come. 


(“Why are the missiles called Peacckecp- 
ers/when they aim to 

nt diminish her musics 
impact. Chapman is the first black female 
of her generation to bring social realism to 
pop. The audience that has supported 
writers Alice Walker and Toni Morrison 
may find in Chapman a musical champion. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Sonny Sharrock, a sonic adventurer at 
home in chaos who was once New Thing 
jazz's answer to Jimi Hendrix, faded away 
after messing up several solo albums, only 
to resurface in 1980 at the behest of pro- 
ducer-bassist Bill Laswell. And since 1986, 
he has cut five remarkable LPs for Las- 
wells Enemy label (11-36 31st Avenue, 
#4R, Long Island City, New York 11106). 
‘The three done with Laswell's free-impro- 
visation quartet. Last Exit are for New 
Thing loyalists only, But both the new solo 
Guitar and the Sonny Sharrock Вапа 
Seize the Rainbow could revive anybody's 
faith in fusion, Sharrock is no longer 
young nor especially angry, and in his sec- 
ond coming, he has found tunes inside 
himself that some may call pretty—with- 
out betraying his raw tone or protean 
chops. Seize the Rainbow even has a good 
Deat (the rest of the band i 
two drummers and a bassist), but Pd go 
with the mystical authority of Guitar if 1 
had to choose. I'm glad I don't. 

Last Exits drummer, Ronald Shannon 
Jackson, has never lost his faith in fusion, 


releasing more harmolodic jazz-rock sin 
1981 than Ornette Coleman himself. His 
most recent Decoding Society 
When Colors Play (Caravan of Dream 
Houston Street, Fort Worth, Texas 7610: 
is so well rehearsed you can't tell 
‘The man not only pla 
crossed with a kaleidoscope, he writes 
themes that take over a record: and the 
guitar barrage that climaxes Good Omens 
is rave-up heaven. Power ‘Tools’ Strange 
Meeting (Antilles New Directions) features 

annon on drums, plus the writing of 
ist Melvin Gibbs and guita 
Frisell, whose quiet supertaste dor 
But if you think Jackson isnt going to rock 
tunes called The Presidents Nap and 
Howard Beach Memoirs, you should ha 
more faith in fusion. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Miriam Makeba has led such an extraor- 
dinary life that the temptation is to re 
the facts of her fight against apartheid in 
her native South Africa and tell you to buy 
Sangoma (Warner Bros.) because it'll make 


GUEST SHOT 


SURELY, vou remember Jennifer Ed- 
wards’ 1968 TV debut as Heidi in the 
infamous special that cut into the last 
65 seconds of a thrilling Jets-Raiders 
climax. Since then, she has appeared 
in her father Blakes “A Fine Mess” 
апа “S.O.B." Now starring in “Sun- 
ls Fair" and “The Perfect 
шаға gave us the word on 
Talking Heads’ “Naked.” 

“Naked makes me want to buy all 
the other Talking Heads records. 1 
loved it. I was struck by the rhythms 
in Blind and 1 write lyrics, so I ad- 
mire how David Byrne really makes 
statements in his songs. My favorite 
is the funniest: (Nothing But) Flow- 
ers. Liked Mommy Daddy You and 1, 
too. It evokes the Beatles’ story songs 
like Penny Lane. Sometimes, this 
band gets knocked for being cold 
and hyperintellectual. Obviously, 
the music is structured and well 
thought out, and Naked really gave 
me rich mental images and pro- 
voked me to think—but isn't thatthe 
whole idea?" 


“He loves my mind. 
dhe drinks Johnnie Walker” 


Good taste is always an asset. 


© 1988 Blended Scotch Whisky 86 Proof. Imported by Schieffein & Somerset, New York, NY, 


28 


FAST TRACKS 


| Christgau | Garbarini | George | Marsh | 


Rick Astley 
Whenever You Need 
Somebody E 


Kea 


Es КЕ 


Del Lords | 
Based on a True Story! B+ 


. Cr A 


Miriam Makeba 
Songomo A= 


B 


so what! 


B+ 


| 
| 
Бра eae 

nad 


Talking Heads 1 


B 
A 


| 
| 
EA, 
| 
| 


| 
| 

E Ls 
| 


B+ А- B 


GET UP, STAND UP DEPARTMENT: Two for- 
mer Michigan d.j.s, Walter Sorg and Bob 
Pearson, have formed ROCK (Rockers 
Opposing Cheap Knockoffs), dedicated 
to ending the use of popular music in 
commercials. They have issued a Cer- 
tificate of Condemnation to Music Hell: 
The Land of Eternal Mantoyani to ten 
advertisers who have used rock to flog 
products, If you want to know more, 
write to them at Box 227, Williamston, 
Michigan 48895, and you, too, can stick 
it to the Raisins. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Look for Neil 
Young in a movie called 68, which will 
have a gradual release across the coun- 
uy. Young plays the troubled redneck 
owner of a motorcycle shop, and the 
events of 1968 coincide with the music 
of the same time, from Buffalo 
Springfield to Wilson Pickett io Jimi Hendrix 
and Jonis Joplin. . . . David Keith star 
as Elvis in the feature Heartbreak 
Hotel. . . . Now that he has finished his 
new album, Bor Scaggs may work on the 
movie music for Stealing Home, starring 
Jodie Foster and Mark Harmon. 

NEWSBREAKS: Latest word is that Grace 
Slick is considering а Jefferson Airplane 
reunion with Paul Kantner, Marty Balin 
and Jeck Cosady. . . . ELO's Jeff Lynne is 
producing some cuts for the new Roy 
Orbison album in addition to his work on 
Tom Рену< and Randy Newmon's upcom: 
ing records. ... A new play about Jim 
Morrison, The Lizard King, opened in 
London to good reviews. - . . How did 
the Fot Boys know that twisting with 
Chubby Checker would be a cool follow- 
up to their outing with the Beach Boys? 
Simple. Chubby took a cheesecake to. 
the recording session, explaining, 
“They made me feel thi . Expect 
to see the real Bachman-Turner Overdrive 
in reunion concerts this summer. Randy 
Bochmen says, "Its time Lo give everyone 


the real thing. We're all very proud of 
what we accomplished together”... 
Because U2 is finishing a concert film, a 
studio album and a live-concert album, 
don't expect to see the band in concert, 
unless Peter Gabriel offers an invite to 
join the Amnesty tour. As Bono said, 
it would be “difficult” to refuse Gabri- 
cl.. . The girl group founded by Chyn- 
no Phillips (John and Michelle's daughter) 
and Wendy and Camie Wilson (Brian's 
daughters) is in the studio with produc- 
сг Richard Perry. . . . Look for Jimmy 
Buffett's first book, The Jolly Man, ап 
original tale about a magic guitar and 
the lucky man who finds it floating in a 
bay . . . Other book news: Smokey 
Robinson has been given a big advance 
by McGraw-Hill to write his autobiog- 
raphy: . . . Heart has purchased at auc- 
tion the Beatles’ original contract for the 
Shea Stadium concert. The Fab Four's 
demands? A case of Coke, a carton 
of cigarettes, four towels and four fold- 
ing chairs. Times have certainly 
changed. Run-DMC headlines a 
Washington, D.C. concert co-spon- 
sored by the Drug Enforcement Ad- 
ministration. The tickets were 
awarded, not sold, to area students who 
achieved excellence by setting the ex- 
ample of a drug-free lifestyle. A novel 
idea, Dionne Warwick and Elvis were 
two of the first American pop artists to 
be heard on Chinese radio, which 
reaches all of China's 1.1 billion people. 

RANDOM RUMORS: God, we love this 
one: Joey Dee of Peppermint Twist fame 
is reported to have assembled an all- 
star cast of oldies singers (Tommy James, 
Lou Christie, Bobby Rydell, бағу “U.S.” 
Bonds and members of the Coosters, the 
Shirelles and the Drifters) for a benefit 
“The goal is to raise several million dol- 
lars to build a retirement home in Flori- 
da for old rock stars. —BARBARA NELLIS 


you feel righteous. Fan though 1 am of 
righteousness in this particular cause, I 
shall resist that temptation and tell you to 
buy Sangoma because it'll make you happy, 
which is, in the long run, a much more sub- 
versive emotion. Motown was one of the 
major forces for civil rights in this cou 
during the Sixties, not because the 
Supremes sang screeds against Bull Cor 
nor but because they sang great songs that 
reminded us of our common humanity 
Such is Makeba's approach to this collec- 
tion of 19 folk songs from her youth. Make- 
bas mother was a sangoma—a shamanlike 
medium between the living and the spirits 
of one’s ancestors—and this album seems 
to perform a similar function, reminding 
the listener of the tribe's accumulated wis- 
dom in the face of present-day travails. 
The lyrics are so terse and cogent that you 
have to wonder if the Ramones might have 
been listening to African folk music before 
founding New York punk: “When times 
are good, І have lots of friends,” goes the 
translation of Ngalala Phantsi. “When I'm 
down, everyone talks about me and laughs 
at me.” Musically, Makeba makes a lovely 
one-woman chorale, with only occasional 
help from an outside voice or percussion. 
If you've overdosed on Western pop music, 
this is a potent antidote. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Forget David Coverdale and White- 
snake; forget the Cult; forget Janes Addic- 
tion. Kingdom Come (Polydor) is, without 
question, the most shameless Led Zeppelin 
copy you'll ever hear. Me—I сап! get 
enough of ‘em. Get It On, their first top- 
five single, takes the riff from Zep's Black 
Dog and turus it inside out, then runs it 
over the chords from Kashmir while Ger- 
man-born singer Lenny Wolf throws in ev- 
ery Robert Plant vocalism in the book. The 
amazing thing is, it actually works. Wolf 
and Company are so shameless and unpre- 
tentious about their rip-offs that they pass 
into a zone where credibility issues fade 
away and a kind of purity and innocence 
shines through. (Not smart/dumb—dumb/ 
smart.) The riffs may be borrowed (or 
reprocessed), but the spirit and the сто- 
tional commitment are the genuine arti- 
des. Hey these L.A. lads arent just 
funny—they're fun. They have the sense, 
and the chops, to churn out tight, punchy 
riffs and choruses, compressed and buff 
shined in the studio ã la Bon Jovi. Remem 
ber, 20 years ago, Plant and Mick Jagger 
were doing note-for-note renditions of 
blues classics from 20 years before their 
біте (driving the blues purists of the day 
nuts, no doubt). Today, Mick and Robert 
are the old masters. “True, Kingdom Come 
could be accused of being Xeroxes of a 
Xerox. The idea, as the Stones and Zep 
proved, is eventually to digest your 
fluences. К.С.5 chief strength is also its 
most glaring weakness—it’s so good at 
what it does that it may just freeze up and 
never evolve. Well see. 


Kings: 17 mg. “ter”, 1,2 mg. nicotine 
av. per cigarette, FTC Report February 1985. 


€ Lorillard, Joc USA 1988 


28 


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THERES SOMETHING about a train trip that 
Paul Theroux finds irresistible. Maybe it’s 
just the opportunity to write another book. 
His latest, Riding the Iron Rooster: By Train 
Through China (Putnan's), finds him joining 
agroup of tourists with varying degrees of 
cultural sensitivity (some responses to the 
limestone hills at Yangshuo: “What a place 
for a condo!” and “They should that 
one Dolly Parton Hill"). Theroux and his 
gaggle of copilgrims are bombarded by 
the vast sensory overload of this vast coun- 
try Theroux paints with a very small 
brush: This book sometimes reads like the 
spilled contents of a rucksack. We learn 
that the Chinese invented toilet paper in 
the 14th Century. He also wants us to know 
that among the famous terra-cotta war- 
riors of Xian—there are hundreds of them 
in a space the size of a football field —no: 
two һауе the same hairdo. The author and 
his fans thrive on such minutiae. Paul 
‘Theroux travels by train in order to avoid 
jer lag. The rest of us read him to avoid the 
turbulence of leaving our chairs. 
. 

Freaky Deaky (Arbor House) is Elmore 
Leonards blackhearted answer to thir- 
tysomelhing. Imagine a couple of ex— 
Sixties radicals who are into crime and 
greed instead of cute kids and nostalgia. 
Leonard creates the unlikely team of Rob- 
in Abbott (a Weatherperson turned ro- 
mance novelist) and Skip Gibbs (an acid 
freak/bomber turned Hollywood special- 
effects technician). They get together fora 
little drugs, sex, revenge and extortion, 
trying to terrorize an old trust-fund 
beneficiary into parting with a million or 
two. The rich victim's chaffeur is a former 
Black Panther with his own designs on the 
master's money. The hero isa Viet vet who 
works on the Detroit bomb squad. 
strange brew? You bet. Leonard is a touch 
off-key when writing about the 
Back in the late Fifties and early Sixties, he 
was writing The Bounty Hunters, The Law 
at Randado, Escape from Five Shadows and 
Hombre. The scenes set in modern Detroit 
are as gritty as yesterday's Enquirer head- 
lines. In one funny scene, a holdup man 
robs a pharmacy of 400 condoms and the 
contents of the petty-cash drawer. On the 
whole, this book is dynamite. 

б 

The most entertaining studio tour of the 
year is The Hollywood Studios (Knopf), с 
tural historian Ethan Mordden' tre: 
on Hollywood's heyday, an era that began 
with the rise of talkies in 1929 and ended 
when the Supreme Court broke up the stu- 
dio system in 1948. Those 20 years saw the 
development of Paramount's subtle sensu- 
ality, Warner Bros.’ down-and-dirty natu- 
ralism, MGM's stable of stars, RKO’ gloss 
and the motion-picture industry’ 
hold on the nation’s subconscious. Mord- 


Riding the Iron Rooster with Theroux. 


Paul Theroux's road 
to China; Elmore Leonard's 
off-key Freaky Deaky. 


den is a movie buff whose encyclopedic 
knowledge of the Golden Age is matched 
by the grace of his writing and pungency 
of his biases. He makes no bones about his 
admiration for David O. Selznick or his in- 
tellectual contempt for Sam Goldwyn, who 
hired such famous writers as Maxwell An- 
derson, Ben Hecht and Lillian Hellman in 
an effort to bring "class" to Goldwyn Stu- 
dios. Selznick's love of literature brought 
us David Copperfield, A Tale of Tio Cities 
and Gone with the Wind. Goldwyws social 
climbing led him to option Belgian play- 
wright Maurice Maeterlincks La Vie des 
Abeilles and, upon reading Maeterlinck’s 
outline, to gasp, “The hero is a bee!" The 
Hollywood Studios is more than a treasure- 
trove of inside dope on the moguls, direc- 
tors and stars who made Tinseltown shine. 
Its a delight! 105 epic! Five stars! Etha 
Mordden ought to win an Oscar! 


. 

Just in time for the beach comes Scorpius 
(Putnam's), John Gardner's seventh James 
Bond novel since he inherited 007% Sea Is- 
land cotton shirts and Walther PPK from 
the late lan Fleming. In Scorpius, Bond, it 
seems, is up to his ASP (thats now his 
favorite form of fire power) in Meek Ones, 
members of a weird religious cult found- 
ed Бу an enigmatic guru named Father 
Valentine—who just may have more than a 
nodding acquaintance with one Vladimir 
Scorpius, the evil genius of international 
terrorism and vice. (Do you feel the plot 
thicken?) Mysterious credit cards, the 


cultists’ penchant for turning themselves 
into human bombs and a beautiful Ameri- 
can female agent will help keep you read- 
ing after sunset. John Gardner will never 
be Ian Fleming, but, hey, Bond's back, and 
while the 007 art form may seem a bit 
creaky, Scorpius is still a bloody good read. 
. 

“Тһе fall of CBS News,” writes Peter 
in Who Killed CBS? (Random House), 
simply a story of human conflict. of the 
meeting of a man and his moment, Van 
Gordon Sauter . . and the ruinous devel- 
opments that resulted.” Although Sauter 
was president of CBS News for less han 
three years, „ says Boyer, ie 
enough to cause divisions that would never 
repair, setting off an inner savagery of 
warring egos and clashing values that ulti- 
mately brought the place to grief.” Oh, 
please. We're not talking about the fate of 
Western civilization here, guys; we're talk- 
ing about television and how a bunch of TV 
news celebrities, their agents and а bri- 
gade of executive honchos behaved when 
changes in the management threatened 
their megabuck incomes. How did they be- 
have? Badly, for the most part, like spoiled, 
nasty children. Boyers detailed and ab- 
sorbing account makes for one of the most 
entertaining celebrity soap operas of the 
past decade. Broadcast News with а 
different cast: Dan Rather, Mike Wallace, 
Diane Sawyer, Walter Cronkite et al., and 
ШЕ anointed villain of the piece, “the bril- 
E ately self-destructive Van 
989 Sauter.” Well, maybe, but at least he 
had the sense to go fishing when it got too 
noisy in the nursery. 


it wi 


BOOK BAG 


The Olympic Challenge 1988 (HDL), by Bill 
‘Toomey and Barry King: Three hundred. 
and eighty-some pages of Olympic апес- 
dotes, history, records and profiles! Just 
lifting this Іше hummer off the shelf is 
enough to qualify for a medal in the clean 
and jerk 

Zoo Station, by lan Walker; Music in Every 
Room, by John Krich; Heidi's Alp, by Chris- 
tina Hardyment; Night Train to Turkistan, by 
Stuart Stevens: These four offerings, all 
from the Atlantic Monthly Traveler series, 
stir rumblings of wanderlust with a capital 
L, Pack a suitcase, kiss the wife and kids 
goodbye and head for somewhere on the 
United States’ list of banned travel, but 
take these books with you, just in case you 
can't get a cab at the airport. 

Travels (Knopf ), by Michael Crichton: It's 
no wonder that Crichton writes such spine- 
tingling fiction. Real life, for the author of 
The Andromeda Strain and The Terminal 
Man, isan adventure at warp speed. Luck- 
ily for us, he slowed up to write it all down, 


If you turn this hs ages over 


you'll get hit in the nose. 


4 i 


Our new 
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isa 
knockout. 
Scratch 
and 
put your 
nose 
here. 


New Right Guard Sport Stick 
Anything less would be uncivilized. 


‘Fresh or Musk scent. Anti-Perspirant or Deodorant. 


SPORTS 


ау Furnace, 


1 caught up with Bobby R; 


the newest star on the PG.A. Tour, as 
he stood in front of a clubhouse in Nabis- 
co, Flori 


ig about the color of 


It was a white Seville, not the blue one he 
had asked for. "And look at this trunk,” he 
said. “It’s too small. How am I supposed to 
get $537,000 in here? These jerk-off spon- 
sors better get on the ball if they expect me 
to come back to this cesspool next yea 

Bobby Ray had just won the 8537000 by 
finishing in a tie for 19th place in the 
Chrysler/Shearson/Ni: Sausage-n-Bis- 
cuit K mart Klassic at L'Arbitrage Country 
Club. He had asked for the prize money 
small unmarked bills, a habit he had devel- 
oped in a prior profession. 

And now, to save air fare, he was hoping 
to drive to the next stop on the tour, the 
Isuzu/Kemper/Providential Independent 
Chili Cook and Bank of Dollars Classic in 
Nabisco, Georgia, where, as is the custom 
of some touring pros, he planned to leave 
the courtesy car in a ditch 

Bobby Ray zoomed into stardom in pro- 
fessional golf in the first half of 1988 by 
setting two spectacular records. In the Ep- 
son statistics, he became the first player on 
the tour to leave 12 consecutive courtesy 
cars in ditches. He also became the first 
golfer to earn more than $3,000,000 with- 
out winning a tournament. 

“On the all-exempt tour, winning is for 
nobodies,” Bobby Ray said, “Show me a 
tournament winner and I'll show you a guy 
you've never heard of, or a guy you'll never 
hear of again. But I'm there every week, 
man. Look at the names who finish be- 
tween 19th and 32nd. That's where you'll 
find Bobby Ray Furnace. I wouldn't be on 
so many magazine covers right now if it 
weren't for the streak 1 had from Nabisco 
Springs to here—seven straight weeks in 
22nd place! Try that on, pal.” 

Bobby Ray said there was no question 
that some of the new rules on the tour had 
helped him become a star, specifically, the 
rules governing distribution of prize mon- 
ey. The difference between first and 19th 
place is now only $7.16. 

“We still have a way to go,” said Bobby 
Ray. Theres no reason why a guy who 
doesn't enter a tournament shouldnt get a 
check, too. Were all out here trying to 
make a living for our families. This is 
something the press, the sponsors and the 
spectators don't seem to understand.” 

Bobby Ray is only 5'4" and weighs only 
130 pounds, and yet he is one of the longest 


By DAN JENKINS 


GOLF'S GREATEST 
PUTZ 


and straightest hitters in golf, which is part 
of his charm. Apparently, he is a true be- 
liever in the new technology. I talked with 
Furnace about his career and his sport. 

PLAYBOY: We understand you're a true 
believer in the new technology, Bobby Ray 

FURNACE: The what? 

TLAYBOY: Your equipment. The dubs you 
use. The golf ball you play. 

FURNACE: That's kind of personal. 

PLAYBOY: It's common knowledge that 
the grooves in your irons will be illegal by 
1996. 

FURNACE: That's really a crock, too. man. 
I'm talking to my lawyer about it. 

PLAYBOY: Is it true that Greg Norman's 
teeth put the grooves in your irons? 

FURNACE: Yeah, so what? Greg's a friend 
of mine. 

PLAYBOY: How, exactly, did he do this? 

FURNACE: I asked him to chew оп 'em for 
an hour and he did it. Show me a rule that 
says Greg Norman can't chew on your dub 
face. I dont see why everybody's down оп 
my ass just because I thought of it first. 

PLAYBOY: But we gather your grooves аге 
deeper and somewhat irregular 

FURNACE: Well, he's a friend—like I said. 

bor: Where did you get the idea for 
the plutonium shaft? 

FURNACE: Simple. I saw this TV show 
about the H-bomb, 

rLAYBOY: And the club head is granite, 
isnt it? 


FURNACE: Almost. It's granite around the 
core of a week-old grilled-cheese sand- 
wich. One-degree loft. 

PLAYBOY: That’s hardly any loft at all. Did 
you get this idea from Ben Hogan? 

FURNACE: Who's Ben Hogan? 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the grip. We 
understand you've signed a contract to au- 
tograph the condom grip. 

rurvace: Hell of a product, man. It's a 
combination of unborn lamb and Krazy 
Glue. Your hands never slip. You don'teven 
need to interlock or overlap. You just grab 
the handle like a bimbo would grab old 
Leroy here. 

rravsov: Baseball grip? 

FURNACE: You could call it that. 

PLAYBOV: When it comes to greater dis- 
tance, how much difference does the new. 
golf ball make? 

FURNACE: lt depends on where you get 
your specimen. 

PLAYBOY: We don't understand. 
name players have all 
of the “hot” ball contracts tied up. ] get my 
specimens from Tom Watson. One day, just 
ош of curiosity, I took a sample out of the 
center of a ball ‘Tom was using. 

PLAYBOY: With a hypodermic needle? 

FURNACE: Right. We all carry one in our 
bag. Then I shot the sample into the center 
of the ball I was using and hit a tee shot 
with it. Holy shit! 

PLAYBOY: What would be your idea of a 
Grand Slam on today's tou 
FURNACE: What's a Grand Slam? 
pravsov; That thing Bobby Jones did. 
Furnace: Who's Bobby Jones? 
pLavsor: Well put it differently. In one 
¡ch four tournaments would you 
h 19th? 

FURNACE: Oh, 1 get it. Let me think a 
minute. I guess it would be the Nabisco In- 
surance Agent, the Nabisco Shopping 
Mall, the Nabisco Safety Deposit and the 
Nabisco Head Job. Yeah, I'd let Ballesteros 
shoot at tha 

rLAYBOY: Last question. Has God helped 
you as much as He seems to have helped so 
many other players on the tour? 

Furnace: God? You mean, like... up 
there? I used to think God helped me get 
through all six weeks of college and 
through the qualifying school, but then 1 
started getting these lies in the fairway. 
Like on the first hole today—after my tee 
shot? Га like to see God try to hit a three 
iron out of the fucking divot J was in. 


33 


PLAYBOY 


to — fins something 


new. bem you can also 


this Budweiser and 
Bud Light display. 
Vote for your 
Bus LE Stars ^ 


MEN 


WV ben tete ut on 
The Oprah Winfrey Show, 1 accept- 
ed the invitation with some hesitation, I re- 
spect Oprah Winfrey's intelligence, but my 
take on her show is that it’s a bastion of fe- 
male sexism. I've heard enough antimale 
rhetoric from her guests (and her audi- 
ence) to last me several lifetimes. 

When I gotto the studio, I knew it might 
become a special hate fest, because my 
friend Nick Nickolas was also a guest on 
the show. Nobody angers feminists more 
than Nick Nickolas. Owner of 
market and other eateries, Nick has the au- 
dacity to live the life of a bon vivant. Hes a 
tough, energetic, humorous, hard-working 
man who often praises his Greek heritage 
and the strong sense of the conventional 
f it developed in him. He irritates 
feminists by consorting with beautiful 
women as often as he can and by flaunting 
old-fashioned dating etiquette. For exam- 
ple, he sometimes offers his dates the use 
of his credit card so they ran huy them- 
selves a new dress before they go out with 
him. You can imagine how disapproving 
Oprah and her friends are of that! 

We walked onto the set. sat down and 
the taping began. I keptmy mouth shut for 
the first half hour as I listened to the trash- 
ing of Nick Nickolas and wondered how 
our culture had grown so dark, so filled 
with feminist self-righteousness and an- 
ger Men were slaveholders; men were 
Hitlers; Nick was a bad man because his 
dating behavior wasn't politically correct; 
he was a lecher because he bought gifts for 
his dates and (Oprah and company as- 
sumed) expected favors in return. It got 
even fiercer during the commercial 
breaks, when the off-camera conversation 
resounded with yelling and insults, 

Eventually, I managed to cut through 
the clamor and say a few things. I pointed 
out that there was a tremendous prejudice 
alive in that television studio, a perverted 
belief that men represented only aggres- 
sion and oppression, while women repre- 
sented love and tenderness. I suggested 
that women were sending out very confus- 
ng messages these days, asking at one mo- 
ment to be treated as equals, hiding at 
other moments behind traditional femi- 
nine poses. I asked how women could ex- 
pect us to listen to them when they painted 
themselves as paragons of virtue and us as 
slaveholders and fascists. 1 asked them 
where the idea of personal freedom 
gone, why they thought they had the 
to judge Nicks personal behavior. 


By ASA BABER 


THE DAWN’S 
EARLY LIGHT 


Nick his freedom,” I remember saying. 

It was a strange and strained time, and 
if that were the end of the story, I wouldn't 
tell it. After all, men have had 25 years of 
this judgmental shit from feminists. It's 
nothing new. But something happened aft- 
er the lights were down and the audience 
was leaving and Oprah was introducing 
herself to us that struck a spark in me and 
hinted at better things to come. It wasnt a 
huge moment, but it seemed significant. As 
I was turning to leave, one of the people оп 
the panel, a staunch feminist, asked me a 
simple, profound question іп а voice that 
was filled not with rage but with perplexi- 
What are we supposed to do with our 
she asked. 

“That's a good question. Did you ever 
wonder what we're supposed to do with 
ours?” I asked. She and I looked at each 
other for a minute, I would like to think 
that an understanding passed between us, 
that we both acknowledged that there is 
more than enough oppression and inju: 
tice and prejudice and abuse and manipu- 
lation to go around for both sexes. | 
thought that we were silently admitting 
that neither men nor women get a free 
lunch in this turbulent culture, that life 
can be equally difficult for both sexes and 
that maybe, just maybe, we're starting to 
understand that fact. If what I'm saying is 
true, then maybe, just maybe, theres a 
small streak of light on what has been a 


very dark cultural horizon, the light of 
personal tolerance and compassion that 
has been close to extinction for years. 

That light glimmers for me fairly often 
these days. I find more women trying to 
communicate, to think independently of 
dichés, pat answers, party lines. Even those 
feminists who go on the attack seem to be 
more muted and thoughtful when they re- 
alize that men are not just going to roll 
over and accept the standard feminist ver- 
sions of history and sexuality. Perhaps 
there's a mutual respect being born in the 
midst of the sexual wars. Maybe the light is 
shining out of a form of combat fatigue, an 
understanding that we can't go on beating 
one another up all the time without paying 
enormous, deadly costs. 

Recently, I went out for what I thought 
was going to be a relaxed evening with 
friends. As had happened many u 
fore, Igotambushed. One of the women in 
the group went on the attack: “How could 
you publish in Playboy? That magazine 
uses the camera as a penis. It violates wom- 
en. It oppresses them. When you publish 
there, you support that.” The harangue 
went on and on, angry and demanding 
and filled with accusations. I eventually 
got upand left. I've learned to do that after 
many years of such scenes. 

But, again, something happened. The 
next day, the woman came by to see me. 
'm not even angry anymore,” she said. 
m just tired. Tired of the fighting and 
the anger itself." She handed me a pastel 
drawing she had just completed. It was a 
beautiful piece of work. “1 want you to 
have it,” she said. 

Somethings going on, some tentative 
gestures toward accommodation. Here at 
the magazine, one of my friends, a woman 
who has been a colleague for years, 
thought my performance on The Oprah 
Winfrey Show was “appalling.” She didn't 
like what I had to say or how I said it or 
who I said it to, and she let me know i 
no uncertain terms. But the point i 
she said it to me at lunch, a lunch that was 
filled with alot of laughs and affection. and 
when 1 came back at her with some state- 
ments in self-defense, she listened to me, 
as in really listened. There was mutual re- 
spect, mutual tolerance. A few years ago, it 
might not have happened like that. 

There is light out there. Its not always 
casy to sce, but if you look for it, you can 
find it. Most mornings, anyway. 


36 


WOMEN . 


I here are two types of women in the 
world, and Lam not acquainted with 
one type at all. 

“Do you want to date a man with mon- 
ШЕСІ 

“What the hell for?” Rita asked back. 
“Hed just want to boss me around.” 

“Would that mean he'd be wearing a suit 
and tie?” wondered Cleo. “Because 1 
couldnt take that. 
want to make my own money,” said a 
very pregnant Nessa. “I couldn't ask my 
husband to compromise his work.” 

“You mean someone who would pay hi 
share of the meal?” asked Lynn. 
оп mean someone who would pay his 
share of the rent?” asked Erin. 

Personally, I have never even known, let 
alone slept with, a rich man. Neither have 
any of my friends, though one married a 
guy when he was poor and now he is rich. 

Yet, in response to my February column, 
“Success,” 1 got a bevy of letters from men 
telling me that it was шо picnic to be then, 
all the girls wanted guys with Porsches and 
hefty investment portfolios. One guy even 
wrote, “Come on, did you ever date a guy 
with less money than you? I think not." 

I think so. I have never dated a guy who 
had more money than I had. But enough 
about my dating. After a vast amount of 
thought and searching for cash-obsessed 
bimbos, I have formulated the two-types- 
of-women theory: There are Professional 
Girls and there are Amateur Girls, We're 
talking about two entirely different species. 

Professional Girls are desperate for a 
boyfriend with an American Express Plat- 
inum Card. Amateur Girls are desperate 
for a boyfriend who can deliver a good 
punch line. 

Professional Girls consider beauty salons 
as necessary as breathing. Amateur Girls 
have been known to take the kitchen 
shears to their hair in а PM.S-induced 
frenzy. 

Professional Girls pay someone to 
slather hot wax on their crotch and rip off 
half their pubic hair in order to have a 
perfect “bikini line” Amateur Girls cry 
and tremble and diet at the thought of 
anyone's seeing them in a bathing suit. 

Professional Girls want security. Ama- 
teur Girls want hot sex. 

Other Amateur Girls and 1 have been 
saddened by the knowledge that most men 
want Professional Girls. 

Oh, yes, you do. I have been to cocktail 


ey 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


SHE WANTS 
MONEY? 


lounges all over the land. І have been to 
parties. I have worked in offices. And I 
have beat my breast in anguish while 
watching men ooze around that woman 
with the perfectly streaked blonde hair 
and the pearlized eye shadow. You always 
go bonkers for that Professional Girl; oh, 
yes, you do. 

And meanwhile, we Amateurs stand 
there, discreetly trying to pull our panty 
hose back up, vague mascara smudges un- 
der our eyes, deciding then and there to. 
read that awful book by Dr. Toni Grant 
that we think tells us to he a hitch and men 
will love us, 

Oh, God, dont get me started. 

"The difference between the species is 
not simply grooming. 

Nor is it a psychological phenomenon. 
Sure, Professional Girls аге ball-busters, 
but not because their fathers spoiled them 
төпеп or their mothers were icy. The dif- 
ference is political. Professional Girls exist 
solely in the mainstream of society 
They've bought the whole cloth of tradi- 
tional mores. In the deepest recesses of 
their souls, they firmly believe that men 
have been placed on this carth to take care 
of them. And they fully expect and wantto 
be taken care of, Most of their actions are 
directly related to the goal of having some- 
one else pay the bills. 

Whereas we Amateurs have taken that 
critical step back and looked at the whole 


deal. And it frightens us. We don't want 10 
be taken care of, because we have noticed 
that when someone else pays the rent, we 
lose autonomy, we are no longer the cap- 
tains of our souls. Somebody may expect 
us to have dinner on the table at six eM. 
sharp, and maybe we've decided to take 
French lessons that evening. Sure, we want 
to throw our lot in with a man, but we have 
this niggling notion of being an equal 
partner. We don't want to feel trapped. 

Although we may truly want to be beau- 
tiful and desirable, it is not our overriding 
obsession; we don't need beauty to snare a 
meal ticket. So we'll forget to get our hair 
cut and feel too lazy to go to the gym, and 
the next thing we know, the men are clus- 
tered around that goddamned blonde. 
We're not perfect sex objects, because we 
don't regard men as success objects. 

So if you guys are finding your love lives 
ulous because of a lack of funds (ei- 
ther temporary or permanent), maybe 
you're looking in the wrong dircction. 
Maybe you'll have to change your politics. 

Consider a different way of life, a life in 
which your woman often has a run in her 
stocking. A life in which you may have to 
learn how to make a white sauce and di: 
per a baby A life in which the bed isn’t al- 
ways made, your shirts lic unironed for 
weeks and you cant find a single clean 
matching sock 

Come on, it may not be so bad. If you 
suddenly decide to quit а $400,000- 
a-ycar mergers-and-acquisitions lawyer 
and write that novel you've always felt you 
had in you, nobody will come at you with a 
meat cleaver. Somebody may instead pull 
up her socks and start a successful grect- 
ing-card business so that you can still 
spend Easter in St. Croix and the kids can 
have shoes. 

Yes, you may have to abdicate being king 
of all you survey (often a tract house on a 
quarter acre) and feel as if you were living 
in some kind of hippie-Commie commune, 
for Christ's sake; but won't it be nice to 
know that your woman is with you because 
she loves you and your cute neck, not be- 
cause if she leaves you, she'll lose her pow- 
der-blue Capri and her French-provincial 
bedroom suite? 

Next time you're prowling for pussy, 
avoid the streaky-haired blonde with the 
pearlized eye shadow. Look behind a pillar 
for the girl with the streamer of toilet pa- 
per stuck to her heel 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Ever since 1 was a young boy, [have liked 
satin. I sleep with two beautiful old down- 
filled satin comforters on my bed, along 
with satin pillow slips on the pillows. Atan 
early age, I discovered that those down sat- 
in comforters were a great aid in mastur- 
bation. The problem I now have is that I 
am engaged to a beautiful young woman 
who absolutely adores satin. However, 
when we make love, the presence of the 
surrounding satin seems to shorten the 
time it takes for me to come, not allowing 
me enough time to give my lover the time 
she needs and deserves to enjoy 
course. For example, if 1 am waiting for 
her to come to bed, or if I 
of the fireplace (which is always cushioned 
and surrounded by satin), | will get an 
erection by the presence of the satin if I 
know that we are going to make love. I 
don't believe that Lam a satin fetishist, but 
its presence during lovemaking is creating 
a frustrating situation. My lover and I have 
discussed this and we seem to agree that 
even though we both enjoy satin, perhaps 
we should get rid of all that satin bedding. 
Any suggestions you might be able to offer 
would be greatly appreciated.—M. B., 
Akron, Ohio. 

First, whats wrong with coming quickly? 
Why is il that a woman who comes in ten sec- 
onds is considered a hot number, while a man 
who comes in ten seconds is premature? Why 
is il thal a woman who takes an hour to came 
is frigid, while a man who takes an hour to 
come is a stud? We think you are throwing 
out the baby with the bath water, or the good 
sex with the bedspread. This is a problem only 
if your first orgasm is the end of the evening 
Why not indulge in a little slipping and slid- 
ing before settling into intercourse? Why nol 
have one orgasm quickly, and then, without 
pulling: out, just rock and roll on your satin 
sheets? We think this problem is in your head, 
not in your bed. If you want to build en- 
durance, why not save the satin sheets for spe- 
cial occasions? It will certainly cut down on 
your laundry bills. 


Dis tasa На emet u en cs 
lectibles. In addition to the fact that they 
can dress up my home, I understand that 
they increase in value as time goes by 
Please give me some information concern- 
ing (A) how to purchase posters that are 
or will be of value to me and (B) how 
to display these vintage works of art with- 
out damaging them or decreasing their 
valuc.—M. P, Houston, Texas. 

Contact the Motion Picture Arts Gallery ai 
133 East 58th Street in New York City (212. 
223-1009) for information on sources of old 
movie posters. The gallery focuses on pre- 
1950 posters. А lobby card for “The Wizard 
of 02” brings 81250; a one-sheet poster for 
"Casablanca" nets $4500, as does a 27" x41" 
one-sheet of “Gone with the Wind." There ате 


certain hot properties: Any Bette Davis poster 
from the Thirties is considered valuable, with 
the sixsheet of “Dark Victory” bringing 
$10,000. Warner Bros. posters tend to be 
unattractive; Twentieth Century Fox posters, 
on the other hand, approach museum-quality 
visuals. Reasonably priced posters are also 
available, If you buy a poster, do not glue or 
dry-mount. Eventually, the glue will seep 
through. Have the poster рш on a linen back- 
ing: The process gets out creases and repairs 
some tears. Keep out of direct sunlight. Serve 
with popcorn. Appreciate. 


МА, wife and 1 have been married for 
five years and enjoy a good sexual relation- 
ship. She is not as adventurous in bed as E 
would like, but that hasn't presented any 
problems. One sex act I tried and enjoyed 
before I was married was, well, to put it 


bluntly, fucking women between the tits, 1 
would like to do this with my wife as fore- 
play or as an alternative to more standard 
forms of intercourse. My problem is, I can't 
think of a different way to name the act. 
Telling her “I want to fuck you between the 


tits” is likely to turn her off before a discus- 
sion can start. Any ideas on better phras- 
ing?—B. N., Juneau, Alaska. 

Why do you have to ask? It's not as though 
you're ashing your wife lo have sex with your 
dog-sled team. If you are into oral sex, have 
your wife lie down on the bed. Straddle her, 
with your penis between her lips. Atan oppor- 
tune moment, move down so the shaft of the 
penis is between her breasts. (You may be able 
to do both at once.) Or, one night when 
you are giving her a hot-oil massage, give 
special attention to her breasts, then use your 
penis as a kind of dipstick. If you have access 
lo an adultuideo store, rent “Lilith Un- 
leashed.” One of the female leads actively 


uses her breasts to make love to her partner. 
In short, it's not something that you do to her 
but for or with her. And maybe you'll find that 
its her fantasy. 


Wome 26 year dd male Lam enjoying my 
first totally monogamous relationship with 
a woman for whom I care deeply. The oth- 
er night, we made love for only the third 
time in our four months together. lt was 
fantastic, for her. She asked if the Fourth 
of July had come carly this year. My prob- 
lem is that, as a prelude to our passion, my 
lover insists that I insert and position her 
diaphragm. She refuses to take the pill and 
won't allow me to wear a condom, Afier 
several minutes of playing gynecologist 
with this rubber Frisbee, she is on the edge 
of ecstasy, while the only thing I'm ready to 
turn on is a football game. I love pleasing 
her but just cant handle doing this. ls 
there some way that I can get iore into 
work and still keep her hot?—R. 
Louis, Missouri. 

If she is on the edge of ecstasy, why not play 
doctor for just a little while longer? After she 
recovers from her first orgasm, she can attend 
to you. Does the phrase “Suck the chrome off a 
trailer hitch” ring a bell? If you still find that 
you can't get into her fantasy, explain your 
discomfort. Birth control is not something to 
be left in the hands of an amateur; she may be 
better qualified to tell when the diaphragm is 
in position. Making sex feel like а job сап run 
down desire quickly. Share the duties. 


PRecently, rve taken а new job that has 
me traveling all over the country, and I 
am more than a little confused about tip- 
ping. Whom should I tip on a normal 
business trip, and how much?—G. N., 
Washington, D.C. 

Next to knowing when you're in love, how 
much to lip ranks as the most puzzling ques- 
tion known to modern тап. But since your 
friendly Playboy Advisor does not hesitate to 
rush in where Miss Manners fears lo tread, 
well take your average trip from your front 
door. If you hail a cab to the airport, you 
should tip the driver al least ten percent and 
төге likely 15 percent of Ше fare, assuming 
(A) he got you there in one piece and (B) he 
drove in a way that bore a passing resem 
blance to the most direct route. If you wisely 
ordered a limo instead of taking a cab, tip the 
driver 15 percent of the bill, again adjusted 
plus or minus five percent or so for services 
rendered. 

At the airport, if you use a skycap to check 
your bags, tip him one dollar per bag. Big or 
especially heavy pieces, such as a golf bag, 
rate two dollars. The same applies to the 
porter or bellman who carries your bags to 
your hotel room. Shoeshine people get one dol- 
lar in addition to the cost of the shine, even if 
the charge is less than one dollar. Parking- 
garage altendants and valets get one dollar if 


St 


41 


PLAYBOY 


42 


the car is rented, perhaps more if it’s your own 
Jaguar or Corvette. A doorman at a restau- 
таш or hotel is tipped only if he does more 
than lifi a hand to hail the next cab іт line 
Tip him one dollar for normal service, more 
if its raining. The only time it is proper to tip 
а maid or cleaning person is when you have 
rented a condo or a villa (and then you 
should tip on a perday basis, depending on 
how many people are in your party); other 
wise, it isn't expected. [n restaurants, the 
standard tip these days is 15 percent of the 
bill. Some people maintain that the tip should 
be figured on the food portion of the bill only 
We say to hell with that and just take 15 
percent of the total, adjusted plus or minus 
five percent for either especially good or espe- 
cially bad service. 

Then there is the more subtle subject of üp- 
ping your hotel concierge. For routine re- 
quests, such as a map of the city or walking 
directions, no tip is expected. For making a 
dinner reservation, anything less than a five- 
dollar bill makes you look like a cheap skate. 
If he (or, increasingly these days, she) has 
got you inio Luléce on six hours’ nolice or 
arranged a private Learjet flight for your 
mistress, remember that a tip should be com- 
mensurale with the value of the service 
rendered. 


Fm involved with a wonderful and sexy 
woman and we have a tremendously excit- 
ing and adventurous relationship. One of 
our favorite postcoital topics is discussing 


ways to expand the parameters of our sex- 
ual experience. I have just purchased a 
four-poster with sturdy oak posts. My girl- 
friend has confided in me that one of her 
fantasies is to be restrained with white-silk 
ties to a four-poster while I make love to 
her in a variety of ways. And, like any 
gentleman, I am eager to accommodate 
the lady. My question is, What are the 
rules of etiquette regarding lashing ones 
ladyfriend to the bedposts? Do you sta 
with the arms or the legs? Most important, 
what kind of knots do you recommend 
Single loops or doubles?—A. K., Toronto, 
Ontario. 

Have you checked oul Alex Comforts land- 
mark love manual “The Joy of Sex"? There 
are more pages on knot tying im it than there 
аге in “The Scout Handbook.” Comfort made 
soft bondage an accepted fantasy. This is a 
personal matter between you and your lady- 
friend, and your imagination should be the 
only limit. However, its always good to have 
rules when engaging in bondage, including 
a clearly understood code or signal to stop 
when either partner is truly uncomfortable or 
does not want to continue, Beyond that, how- 
ever, youre on your own. It makes sense to us, 
though, to first tie the handslarms of your 
submissive partner to add to the fantasy of 
immediate helplessness. As for knots, again, 
its a matter of preference—but if you're using 
silk lies and hope to wear them again, you'll 
go eusy on the loops. Dont tie any knots so 
light as to impair circulation. Let your lover 


help you by telling you what she does and 
doesn't like. After all, it's her fantasy. 


Ho important is the tuner to a stereo 
system? What criteria do you use to distin- 
guish among tuners? What features do you 
look for?—D. W, Kansas City, Kansas. 

Look at it this way: The sound quality you 
gel from a tuner can never equal the quality 
you get from a CD player, cassette deck or 
turntable. The radio station uses the same 
records and CDs you have; it may or may nol 
play that record on equipment that is as good 
as yours. By the time its signal reaches your 
living room, it must cross miles of obstacles, 
picking up background noise from power 
lines, computers, wasters, whalever How 
tuners handle background interference is a 
major distinguishing factor. Other than that, 
you should look for ease of programing: 
There are only a few stations we listen lo. We 
don't object to pushing a button lo find Na- 
tional Public Radio or a classical station or a 
New Age station. Before you spend big bucks 
on a state-of-the-art tuner, consider the quali- 
ly of the programing in your neighborhood. If 
the ғайо stations play the same five songs all 
day, you'd be better off upgrading the car- 
tridge on your turntable or buying a CD 
player and a ton of new discs 


Ë have just purchased a video camera. My 
ladyfriend and I have found some great 
ways to use it on a tripod. The sales- 
man told me to make sure that the 


Small talk 


nickel-cadmium battery (which I have just 
purchased for almost $90) was fully dis- 
charged before recharging it. The instruc- 
tions are to recharge it alter every use 
How can I do that without just putting it 
on the camera and letting it run? That 
seems like a waste of an expensive piece of 
equipment.—G. L., Denver, Colorado. 

Uh, lets sec. Try extending your lovemak 
ing so that your discharge occurs simulta- 
neously with that of the battery. No. The best 
way to handle your particular battery prob- 
lem is not to use batteries at all. Since youre 
shooting indoors, an A.C. adapter will give 
you hours of use without worry about battery 
life. The problem with nickel-cadmium batter- 
ies is common: They must be fully discharged 
before they are recharged. If the batteries are 
regularly recharged before they are fully run 
down, their life will be shortened. Nickel-cad- 
mium batteries remember the length of time 
they can hold a charge. If the time between 
charges is shorter, battery life eventually be- 
comes shorter. If you must use batteries in 
your camera, keep a couple of them charged 
as backups. Use the first one until the indica 
tor shows discharge, then exchange it for the 
second charged battery. Continue until you've 
finished filming, and then recharge the fully 
used batteries, As for half-charged batteries, 
some cameras have a discharge function that 
runs down the battery without actually run 
ning the camera; but the majority still require 


that you run the camera, which makes for 
some very boring home videos. 


AA few months ago, you ran a letter that 
jokingly advised a reader on how to per- 
form masturbation on her partner. I'm сп- 
countering more and more lovers who 
want to practice safe sex. What do I tell a 
lover who wants to perform hand jobs in- 
stead of intercourse? How do we make it 
interesting?—D. W, Detroit, Michigan. 
Give her a copy of “Terrific Sex in Fearful 
Times,” by Brooks Peters. (ПУ available from 
St. Martins Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10010.) He has an entire 
chapter devoted to the perfect hand job. 
Among the techniques he recommends is the 
Double Whammy: “How about going double 
or nothing! Bring both well-tubricated hands 
down on his shaft. Some cacks are so big they 
require two hands. If your partners doesn't, 
then use the other hand to caress and lightly 
flutter his balls, or tighten it around the base 
of his shaft. If both hands fit along the length 
of the shaft, move them together, up and 
down, in the typical pumping motion. Pre- 
tend youre holding a baseball bat and are 
about to score a grand slam. You can also 
vary the directions of your hands, one up, one 
down at the same time.” Another technique is 
called The Anvil Stroke: “Bring one hand 
down, letting it stroke the penis from the top 
all the way to the bottom. When it hits the 
bottom, release it. Meanwhile, youre bringing 
your corresponding hand down to the top of 


the shaft, creating an alternating beating 
motion, hence the name Anvil Stroke. Think 
of those blacksmith duos who keep up a dou- 
ble-beat pounding motion as they beat that 
rod of топ on а piping-hot anvil.” And an- 
other, The Shuttle Cock: “Take the penis m 
both hands, fingers lightly touching the sides 
of the shaft. In order to visualize the position, 
think of yourself holding a clarinet. Now flick 
the penis hack and forth between your two 
hands by holding on to the loose skin of the 
shaft. Shuttling it back and forth in this man- 
ner тау not seem incredibly thrilling to him 
al first, but preity soon, as it builds up то 
mentum, it will drive him out of his mind 
Oh, what the heck, heres one last technique, 
The Flame: “Place your hands down on ei- 
ther side, your fingers pointing away from the 
cock. Pretend you're a campfire girl and start 
spinning his pecker like a stick of wood. This 
way, youll keep the home fires burning for a 
long lime to come.” 


All reasonable questions—fiom fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 М. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


Head-over-heels 


SPORT. Play by your own rules. 


The fresh, new sport spray by Paco Rabanne. 


Bloomingdale's 


43 


44 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


The question for the month: 


What do you wish your mother had 
told you about sex? 


Sie toll me everything! She was great. 
She bought me books when I was ten that 
explained reproduction. She told me about 
birth control. 
She told me not 
10 let anyone 
pressure me in- 
to having sex. 
She told me all 
the technical 
things I needed 
10 know She 
didn't tell me 
about the emo- 
tional parts of 
sex. That's stuff 
each person 
has to find out for herself. Parents ought to 
explain the hazards, but to really enjoy 
sex, you've got Lo experience it yourself ! 


CODES 


BRANDI BRANDT 
OCTOBER 1987 


IM, mother is an American Indian and 
she is very open about everyt It is 
from her that I got my direct approach to 
things. She 
does not mince 
words. She sat 
me down when 
I was ready for 
the information 
and told me ev- 
erylhing she 
knew. | was 
about 16. I had 
spent most of 
my time up 
til then in pri- 
vate school and 
things were slower there and 1 was less 
aware of sex. My little sister went to public 
school and she knew a lot more about sex 
than I. She was a good source of informa- 
tion, too. My mother told me that the most 
aportant thing about sex was 10 wait for 
love. 


lad: hi 


INDIA ALLEN 
DECEMBER 1987 


When 1 was growing up, my mother 
and 1 didnt get along very well. I was 
intimidated by her, because 1 wanted to 
be like her. I found it hard to live up to 
her expectations. Still, | admired and re- 
spected her. 
When 1 was 
a kid, we had 
a hard time 
talking. Even 
though there 
are a lot of 
things 1 wish 
she had told 
me, it wasn't so 
bad learning 
those things on 
my own. 1 
haven't learned 
everything from experience. I’m extreme- 
ly perceptive. My mom even reads Dear 
Playmates and has learned a lot about me. 
When she read my answer to how 1 would 
make love to a blind man, she said, “Lu- 
ann, your answer is the most sensuous one 
in there” 


LUANN LEE 
JANUARY 1987 


M, mother never told me anything 
about sex. Her reason? Simple. Her moth- 
er never talked with her and she didnt 
know how to talk with me. Now we talk 
about every- 
thing At the 
me, 1 wasnt 
pleased that 
she hadn't told 
me anything. 
uscful But in 
retrospect, 
maybe it 
worked out for 
the best. 1 
didn't have any 
preconceived 
ideas about sex 
and I was able to judge things for myself. I 
was able to experience sex without her ex- 
periences getting in my way. Sex began аз 
a mechanical thing, not as lovemaking. It 
took me a while to understand what sex 
was really all about, and I don't think she 
could have told me anything that would 
have made me learn faster. 


Ne E 


JULIE PETERSON 
FEBRUARY 1987 


IM, mother told me everything about 
sex. | knew more than anyone at school by 
the time I was five. She probably told me 
too much, because a lot of the mystery was 
taken out of 
it. She bom- 
barded me with 
literature. She 
didnt want me 
to get іп trou- 
ble and, also, 
she thought it 
was healthy for 
me to know the 
details. I sus- 
pect that she 
did it that way 
because she 
hadn't been taught those things as a child. 
She felt that the lack of information had 
damaged her in childhood and that she 
could make up for it by telling her daugh- 
ter all the things she hadn't been told. 


Bevo Cot 


ANNA CLARK 
APRIL 1987 


Wish she had told me about sex. L ended 
up learning about it from my older broth- 
er. When he first told me, I didn't even be- 
lieve him. I had a lot of questions, so one 
day, he sat me 
down. Since my 
parents never 
volunteered the 
information, 1 
went 10 other 
sources. When 
1 was about 16, 
my mom tried 
to talk to me 
about sex, but 
by then, 1 al- 
ready knew 
what was going 
оп. My brother had answered my iert c 
old questions that ranged from the basics 
to where kittens come from. I think my 
mom was relieved when she found out I 
didnt need the standard speech. 


p 


LAURIE CARR 
DECEMBER 1980 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able 10 answer every question, but we'll try. 


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with entry must equal point score shown on outside of entry or entry is subject 10 disqualification. 
end as many game tickets with your entry as you like (but not less then 10 game tickets) 
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0 JE: 5200.000 in cash prizes will be awarded in 
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last monthly contest ends 9/30/88. Enter each month or accumulate game tickets anc enter any 
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ELIGIBILITY: Contests open to U.S residents, AT LEAST 21 YEARS OF AGE. The lollowng persons 
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in the nameol an individual person and prizes con only be awarded to the person whose name is listed 
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© 1988 PMC, Westport. GT. All gnis Reserved. Patent Pending. 


AMICHELOBNIGHT HITS 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


UNREALISTIC FEAR 


"Is it possible to become infected with the 
AIDS virus in а touch-football game, on 
the soccer field, while sliding into second 
base or on the basketball court? In a word, 
yes" 

“It is theoretically possible to be exposed 
in а restaurant under certain circum- 
stances. For instance, if the chef cuts 
himself while preparing а dish that will 
be served cold (eg, a salad, a sand. 
wich) and his blood drips onto the 
food, infection could occur if whoever 
eats the food has a cut or ulceration 
of the lips or mouth that would give 
the virus a means of entry. Similar- 
ly, if you use a drinking glass or 
eating utensils thal were previ- 
ously used by an infected person 
and werent cleaned properly, 
there is a small, as yet undeter- 
mined risk that you could be 
exposed to live, infectious 
virus from that. persons sali- 
va” 

“I is theoretically possible 
to become infected with the 
AIDS virus from skin соп- 
tact with a contaminated 
toilet seat (or any other 
contaminated surfac 

“It is perhaps even more likely that the 
mucous-membrane lining of the mouth 
will have minor cuts, scratches, blisters or 
abrasions both from eating and from us- 
ing а toothbrush or dental floss than it is 
that the mucosa of the rectum will be torn 
during anal sex; that such lesions would 
provide an easy portal of entry for the 
virus—carried in either semen or vaginal 
secretions—is essentially unarguable. 

“There is even more skepticism about 
the AIDS virus being transmitled by kiss- 
ing, Here again, there is no question that 
this route of transmission is possible.” 

"Language of this sort—that the risk 
has been ‘virtually eliminated, the na- 
lions blood supply is ‘virtually safe —sug- 
gests to most intelligent observers that only 
а handful of cases of HIV infection are 
caused by transfusion each yeur. Regret- 
tably, this impression and this claim are 
false.” 

“The AIDS virus is now running ramp- 
ant in the heterosexual community. Un- 
less something is done to contain this 
global epidemic, we face a mounting death 
toll in the years ahead that will be the most 
formidable the world has ever seen.” 


Are we 

scared yet? 
H 

It was a regular three-ring circus. We 
read the Neusweek excerpt. We watched 
Nightline. We read the book. Who was 
the source of these campfire tales guar- 
anteed to curl your toes, curdle your 
blood and put you off sex, touch foot- 
ball and flossing? Who was saying these 
things? If Jerry Falwell had writen 
these words, we would have laughed. 
Unfortunately, they were written by Dı 
William H. Masters, Virginia E. Joh: 
son and Dr. Robert С. Kolodny in a 
book called Crisis: Heterosexual Behav- 
ior in the Age of AIDS 

Just when AIDS experts were begin- 
ning to reassess the scope and the 
threat of the AIDS epidemic, revising 
downward the estimated death toll 
while narrowing the battle to inform- 
ing specific groups about behavior, the 
authors of Crisis appeared to rewrite 
the statistics and to resurrect the most 
irrational hypothetical horror stories. 

The response from the scientific 
community was harsh. 


US. Surgeon General C. Everett 
Koop attacked their conclusions as irre 
sponsible and unscientific. “Scare tac- 

tics," he said. 

‘Terry Beirn, program 
director for the Ameri- 
can Foundation for AIDS 
Research, warned, “This 

thing is like pouring kero- 
sene on the flames of hyste- 
ria that public-health experts, 
lemiologists and virolo- 
gists for the past seven years 
have tried to dampen.” 

"The authors defend 
armchair science: 

ination and paranoia аге, of 

course, 10 be deplored; but in 
our judgment, realistic fear can 
both foster a better intellectual 
perspective on the issue of AIDS. 
and be a powerful motivator of be- 
havioral change—change, in this 

instance, being for many people a 

key 10 survival. .. . Shouldn't we be 

adopting precautions against the 
worst-case possibility, rather than mak- 
ing the most optimistic assumption: 

The phrase has a nice ring: "realistic 
fear.” With two words, the authors 
ceased to be scientists and became 
priests. Fear is nota force of nature that 
can be channeled through copper wires 
to perform safe tricks at the flick of a 
switch. Fear is something you release 
from the darkest recesses of the il. 
Itis a force with its own agenda, one 
that can devour entire populations. Go. 
back and read those little gems at the 
beginning of this page: Do they make 
you want to wear condoms and practice 
safe sex? Do they make you hate AIDS 
victims for bringing this scourge into 
the world? Do they make you want to 
fire-bomb the home of three hemophil- 
iac AIDS victims because someday they 
may slide into second base with your 
kids? 

The authors blithely defended their 
worst-case scenarios—remote possibili- 
ties that no other scientist has con- 
firmed. “It is nonsensical to require 
such proof from real-life circum- 
stances that are unlikely to arise very 
frequently within view of researchers.” 

Jan you get AIDS from kissing? No 
been documented. Re- 
searchers have studied families of 
AIDS victims—families that kiss, hug, 


1 their 
scrim- 


49 


share utensils and toothbrushes. None 
of the uninfected family members have 
acquired the virus. 

Can you get AIDS from a mosquito 
bite? No case has been documented. 
The virus can live in the mosquito for 
as much as 48 hours, but it does not 
reproduce or move to the saliva, where 
it could, theoretically, infect someone. 
Demographic studies indicate that 
AIDS victims are mostly young 
adults—there are no unexplained chil- 
dren or very old people—suggesting 
that mosquitoes, which dont discrimi- 
nate, don't infect. 

Can you get AIDS from a tossed sal- 
ad? From toilet seats? From sweat-cov- 
ered gym equipment? The authors of 
Crisis see HIV-infected blood on every 
surface and on microscopic lesions on. 
the skin of every citizen in America 
When 97 percent of the known cases of 
AIDS can be explained by 1.V-drug 
use, transfusions, sexual intercourse 
(vaginal or anal) and perinatal 
mission, we cannot dignify those ki 
of questions with answers. Is not what 
might happen that we have to worry 
about; it is what has happened 

How safe 15 the blood supply? There 
is a one-in-40,000 chance that you will 
be exposed 10 AIDS through tainted 
blood. There are 18,000,000 blood 


The special Masters and Johnson touch in the fight against AIDS hysteria . 


units transfused annually: The Centers 
for Disease Control estimate that as 
many as 460 units may contain the 
AIDS virus (compared with an estimat- 
ed 7200 in 1984, the year before blood 
screening began). One doctor, to put 
the figure into perspective, noted that 


our chances of having an automobile 
accident are one in 5000 annually. 

Dr. Masters, Johnson and Dr. Kolod- 
ny emerge as hygiene police, writing 
tickets for infractions they feel put 
good citizens at risk. They urge a crack- 
down on prostitution: “Since very high 


CRISIS 


Dr. William H. Masters and Vir- 
ginia E. Johnson fan the flames of 
AIDS hysteria by misrepresenting the 
likelihood of acquiring AIDS through 
blood transfusions. 

They estimate that the chance of 
becoming infected with HIV through 
а one-donor blood transfusion is one 
in 5418; for a four-donor transfusion, 
the risk is one in 1355. 

Fortunately, those estimates are 100 
high—about seven times too high— 
as Masters and Johnson would have 
known had they checked their predic- 
tions against what has been observed 
by the blood-bank community. 

Masters and Johnson's calculations 
are based on their estimate that 27,500 
units of infected blood are donated in 
one year. Their estimate is wrong. 
The Red Cross, which collects about 
half of the nation's transfusible blood, 
reports that blood banks receive only 
9944 contaminated units each усаг. 

Masters and Johnson further err 
when they say the ELISA test, used to 


THE BLOO 


examine donated blood for AIDS, has 
a false-negative rate of two percent. 
Using this erroneous percentage and 
the erroncous number of infected units 
collected—27,500—they estimate that 
cach year, 550 units of blood are "in- 
correctly certified as safe.” 

In fact, in an extensive study con- 
ducted by the College of American 
Pathologists, the ELISA test was 
found to have a false-negative rate of 
06 percent. Therefore, based on the 
true number of infected units, 2244, 
and the true false-negative rate, 0.6 
percent, 13 units of blood falsely test 
е for AIDS each year—and 
that’s on the high side, because the 
blood industry's false-negative rate 
even lower than the national average 


addition, Masters and Johnson 
estimate that there are 1667 blood 
donors per year who have so recently 
acquired the AIDS virus that they are 
not yet seropositive and, therefore, 
test negative for AIDS. The best em- 


SUPPLY 


pirical evidence із that this number 
is 330. 

Another fact that they don't consid- 
er is that the number of HIV-contam- 
inated units varics dramatically from 
city to city. The medical director of a 
rural Midwestern blood bank reports 
that his center drew nearly 100,000 
units of blood from mid-1985 to mid- 
1987 without finding a single HIV- 
conti ated unit. Yet Masters and 
Johnson predict a national average of 
one contaminated unit per 450— 
twice the worst rate observed any- 
where in the country since testing. 
began in 1985, 13 times higher than 
the national average in 1987 and near- 
ly 16 times higher than current rates. 

Don't we have enough to worry 
about when facing s 
getting hysteri 
quiring AIDS through a blood trans- 
fusion? Let's keep our fears realistic. 

— DAVID EISENMAN, president of the 
Association for Improvement 
of Volunteer Blood Donation 


numbers of prostitutes are now carriers 
of the AIDS virus, it is difficult to u 
derstand why anyone would be willing 
to utilize their services, but it is dear 
that they are still in great demand. Un- 
der the circumstances, it seems impor- 
tant to acknowledge that—right now, at 
least—prostitution is not, in fact, a 
"victimless crime’ and to strongly urge 
Governmental crackdowns on prostitu- 
tion. A sizable number of prostitutes 
are drug addicts, which means that 
they are likely to be transmitting the 
virus by the sharing of contaminated 
needles and syringes. Not to conduct 
mandatory testing in this group would 
be absurd: After all, if a prostitute has 
been arrested, tried and convicted (or 
pleads guilty to the charges), confi- 
dentiality regarding the fact that he or 
she has engaged in prostitution has al- 
ready evaporated.” So step in and elim- 


inate any other civil rights she may 


һауе? The authors hope that “we can 
ер disruptions of civil liberties to a 
minimum while significantly increas- 
ing our vigilance against a lethal dis- 
ease that could prove to be the worst 
natural calamity of this century” And 
n the rest of the book. they urge test- 
ing pregnant women, anyane between 
15 and 60 admitted to a hospital or 
drug clinic and applicants for marriage 
licenses. Round em up and brand 
Burt why stop at prostitutes? Why not all 
active heterosexuals? Why not raid si 
gles clubs? And black neighborhoods. 
where poverty and 1.V-drug use com- 
bine to produce frightening statistics? 
H your spouse confesses to having an 
alfair, give him or her a six-month sen- 
tence: No sex until the blood tests prove 
no contamination. 

We have always counted Masters and 
Johnson among our friends: We have 
always respected the discipline that al- 
lowed them to produce landmark 
search. We have admired their courage 
in the face of controversy But this time, 
they broke a number of their own rules 
and sacrificed objectivity in the name 
of compassion, 

In the November 1979 Playboy Inter- 
view, Masters explains, "We had a basic 
rule at the institute that we would not 
make a major report of individual 
research programs without minimum 
of ten years’ work behind us. Human 
Sexual Response, the book om hetero- 
sexual physiology, and Human Sexual 
Inadequacy, the book on heterosex- 
ual dysfunction, each represented 1 
years of work. Homosexuality in Perspec- 
five represents 14 years of work.” In 
contrast, . (concluded un page 56) 


NUMBERS CRUNCHING: 


Playing Fast and Loose 


- with AIDS Statistics 


Theresa new game in town. Its aim 
is to scare the bejesus out of the 
American people, The way to win is 
to circulate. statistics that will make 
people think that heterosexual AIDS 
is raging out of control. 

The game can get rather compl 
cated. as Edward M. Brecher so aptly 
reported in Commentary this past 
spring. He found that in the fall of 
1986, the Centers for Disease Control 
stated that the number of heterosex: 
al AIDS cases in the United States 
ABS 
the number of immigrant-heterosex- 
ual cases, 571. It did not report when 
the immigrants got AIDS (pre- 
sumably before they entered the 
country) or how they got AIDS (pre- 
sumably from homosexual sex or J. V. 
drug use). 

A journalist for The Washingion 
Post took the CDC total—1056—and 
wrote: “Between 1000 and 2000 are 
reported by the CDC to have contract 
ed the disease through heterosexual 
sex Noting that this number was 
four umes higher than che number 
from previous years, the reporter con- 
duded that heterosexual AIDS cases 
were increasing dramatically. 

"These statistics became book as the 
press reported that "AIDS is a grow- 
ing threat to the heterosexual popula- 
і that “heterosexual contact [is] a 
growing cause of illness among wom- 
en,” that there is a “pro on of 
AIDS among heterosexuals” and that 
“the d is spreading so rapidly 
beyond homosexuals and drug abus- 
ers that the old rules no longer apply” 

Accounts that contradicted the 
popular belief about the rampant 
spread of heterosexual AIDS tended 
to receive short shrift cither because 
they were buricd under bland head- 
lines, such as “NEw STUDIES FOCUS ON 
AIDS TRANSMISSION CHANCES,” Or be- 
cause the stories invariably ended 
with warnings about “runaway cpi- 
demics." Newspapers made a habit of 
drawing fearsome conclusions from 
notso-fearsome facts. 

1987, the CDC report- 
nared 30,000 of 
142,000,000 Americans (.02 percent) 


as 
‘To that number, the CDC added 


through 59, in nonrisk 
-V-drug users 
and nonhemophiliacs—arc. inlected 
with the AIDS virus. 

The CDC based its numbers on re- 
sults of blood tests conducted on mili- 
tary recruits. But the CDC had more, 
and more reliable, data available from 
the results of blood tests from blood- 
bank donors. Using statistics based on 
these donors, there are 8520 non-risk- 
group Americans with the AIDS 
virus (006 percent). Subtract closet 
gays, secret drug injectors and het- 
erosexuals who engaged in anal 
intercourse, and the number of het- 
sexuals who acquired AIDS from 
oral or vaginal intercourse could well 
shrink to near zero. 

But the 30,000 figure will stand, the 
number that has been publicized and 
that the public will remember. 

Why does anyone play these num- 
bers games? The press circulates 
wrong numbers and halftraths be- 
cause it is not dosely examining the 
information it is given. Reporters 
should know by now that Government 
officials are not always truthuellers. 
And fear sells. An alarmist headline 
sells papers. The public, which al- 
ready believes that AIDS is the coun- 
irys most serious public health 
problem, is ready for more frighten- 
ing news. 

As for Government officials, they 
have their own agenda. There are 
those who use AIDS fright to promote 
premarital chastity and monogamy. 
And there are those who inflate her- 
erosexual AIDS numbers order 
to bring Federal grants to their 
doorstep. 

Playing the numbers game may 
amuse some people, but it doesn't 
amuse us. We have the right to know 
the entire truth, we have the right to 
pursue a sex life without fear, we have 
the right 10 make our own de 
about morality and we have the 


1 will do the most good. 
We certainly should nor be wasting 
nd our money on the 
chimera of the rampant spread of het- 
ual AIDS, 


5i 


IN GOD WE TRYST 


Long before Swaggart and Bakker showed that men of the cloth have feet of 
clay, Playboy cartoonist John Dempsey exposed the sins of our holy preachers. 
Here are a few of the prophetic Dempsey cartoons we've published since 1973. 


“O Lord, bestow Thy mercy upon 
our dear young sister and 
forgive her for straying...” 


“Now cast out those 
sinful lusts within ye and 
pull on yer britches 
and head fer home. 
You, boy, that is" 


“I thank Thee, O Lord, before partaking of the bountiful 
blessings Thou hast spread before те...” 


М Е 


w S FEF R ОМ Т 


whats happening in the sexual and social arenas 


NASHVILLE— Having sex in апу build- 
ing owned or leased by the city will result 
in a 850 fine, if a local councilman has 
his way. He’ trying to convince his col- 
leagues that his proposed ordinance will 
protect the citys female employees. The 
other council members aren't buying the 


reasoning, however, and зау they're not 
even aware thal sexual intercourse in the 
workplace is a problem. Nor does sexual 
harassment appear to be widespread, ac- 
cording tu the Nashville Equal Employ- 
ment Opportunity Commission, which has 
had only one complaint involving a city 
worker in nearly ten years. 


HIGH-TECH DETECTION == 
The US. Customs Service may replace 
its dope-sniffing dogs with $100,000 elec- 
tronic drug detectors that don't eat, don't 
sleep and don't get their noses fouled up by 
pepper. The device analyzes chemical 
molecules that escape from containers. In 
tests last year al Bostons Logan Interna- 
tional Airport, the drug detector picked 
up two codeine capsules in a suitcase, 
found a hercin-soaked prayer shawl and 
discovered cocaine-tainted money. 


SAN FRANCISCO—In striking down De- 
Sense Department regulations on homosex- 
uals, the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Ap- 
peals acknowledged that gays should be as 
protected from discrimination as racial 
minorities are. The two-to-one decision 


came in the case of Perry Watkins, а 14- 
year Army veleran with an “outstanding” 
performance record who was refused re- 
enlistment in 1981 because of his admit- 
ted sexual orientation. The court said that 
the Army) rules, which formerly prohibit- 
ed only homosexual conduct, now apply lo 
sexual orientation. 

Shortly before the appellate-court deci- 
sion, the Army pulled a full-page ad from 
an issue of Student Lawyer, а publica- 
tion of the American Bar Association, 
because the cover story discussed discrimi- 
nation against homosexual law students. 


MEDICINAL MARIJUANA БН 


WASHINGTON, DE —Afler more than a 
decade of legal battles, patients who 
benefit from the therapeutic effects of marı- 
Juana are closer to getting the drug legal- 
ized for medicinal purposes. The Alliance 
for Cannabis Therapeutics and the Na- 
tional Organization for the Reform of 
Marijuana Laws argue that pot ts useful 
in treating glaucoma, the nausea from 
chemotherapy and spasticity, among other 
disorders, and that, for political reasons, 
the Drug Enforcement Administration 
has classified it as a drug with no medical 
uses. Their arguments against thal clas- 
sification will be heard by a Federal ad- 
ministrative-law judge who should issue a 
ruling sometime this year. 


SAN FRANCISCO—An accused prostitule 
is now in jail after the judge set her bail at 
five billion dollars, perhaps the highest 
bond ever imposed. The judge, frustrated 
by the sheriff department's practice of rou- 
tinely releasing misdemeanor suspects lo 
reduce jail overcrowding, decided to make 
an example out of the prostitute. Said she, 
“Гое been humiliated. 105 not cool at all, 
using me lo set an example.” 


SAN jose—A new California law per- 
mits police to bill drunken-driving sus- 
pects for lab fees and officers’ time—and 
police in San Jose are making the most of 
И. In the first two weeks of a program that 
one defense attorney calls “the equivalent 
of an extortion racket," the city billed 
D.W1. suspects an average of $130 for a 
total of $100,000. The local police chief 
assures the public that the charges are not 
criminal penalties and that if a person is 
found innocent, he can obtain a refund. 


use ll 2 


LOUISVILLE. KENTUCKY—A judge dis- 
missed a lawsuit filed by two women try- 
ing lo collect оп $500 worth of checks 
made out to them. According to the de- 
fendant, he stopped payment on the checks 
because they were in exchange for sex— 
and the women hadn't given him any. The 
judge said that regardless of who stiffed 
whom, the contract was an illegal one that 
he would not enforce. He told the plain- 
tiffs, “You can tell your friends and every- 
body else that you'd better work for cash.” 


LOS ANGI Lesbians at UCLA have 
obtained formal school recognition of a 
sorority all their own, Lambda Delta 
Lambda. lis official status allows the 
Lambdas to meet on campus and to seek 
student fundi—bul in keeping with 
school antidiscrimination policies, they 
must not exclude heterosexuals. 


bu BARREL OR TWO 


A researcher al the University of Cali- 
fornia, Berkeley, suggests that 40 percent 
of all marriages in the decades immediate- 
ly before the pill's introduction may have 


been pregnancy-inspired. Postpill, the per- 
centage has dropped to 15. Now a Univer- 
sity of Michigan researcher says that these 
sholgun weddings apparently aren't as 
fragile as generally believed. In Balti- 
more, one third of them were found to be 
intact after 17 years, while in Chicago, 35 
percent were intact at the end of ten years. 


R E 


THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT 
Your article on Jerry Falwell 
(Jerry Falwell’s Greatest Hits,” 
The Playboy Forum, March) and 
Barry Lynn's on Donald Wild- 
mon (“How to Separate the Men 
from the Boycotts,” The Playboy 
Forum, April) show just how 
paranoid fundamentalists are. 
E is an assault against 
their morals. The Federal Com- 
munications Commission recently 
felt heat from those right-wing 
extremists—and reacted by is- 
ng a new ruling on obscenity 
("Whose ng Room Is This, 
Anyway he Playboy Forum, 
Augus). The FCC is feeling 
heat again, this time by funda- 
mentalists who mistakenly be- 
lieve that it is going to ban 
religious broz ing. The ru- 
mor is clearly false, for the com- 
mission is required by the First 
Amendment to be neutral to re- 
ligion—but what do fundamen- 
talists care about little things 
like the First Amendment? 
Right-wing religious fanatics 
dont want their programing 
banned, though they're happy 
to see mine banned 
S. Wright 
Indianapolis, Indiana 


John Lennon was absolutely 
right when he made this remark 
about religion: “Jesus was all 
right, but his disciples were 
thick and ordinary. It's them 
twisting it that ruins it for me.” 

J Lee 
Santa Ana, California 


1 was at first amused by the list 

of items that Wildmon and the National 
Federation for Decency want to ban (The 
Playboy Forum, April). Then 1 became 
alarmed. He and his followers are afraid 
of Bullwinkle and a rge Burns 
Christmas show? Is nothing safe from 
Шет? 


Stephen Walter 

Salem, Oregon 

This past January, the National Federa- 

tion for Decency changed ils name lo Amer- 

ican Family Association. Wildmon says that 

the new name "better reflects what this min- 

istry is all about” and a spokeswoman 

added that the name change “has been very 

beneficial.” We can only warn the public 
that A.EA. equals NED. 


“There are 77 major c 


R 


E 


FOR THE RECORD 


FACTS OF LIFT 


SOUTH AFRICAN STYLE 


n the world where you 
can expect to be a bomb victim under current statis- 
tics. Sure the indiscriminate bombing of civilians is 
to be deplored by anybody against anybody. But at 
the end of the day it is just another way of dying, and 
itis no more or less final than walking under a motor 
car, contracting a terminal disease or falling out of 
the sky in an airplane. Much of itis a misfortune of 
being in the wrong place at the wrong time.” 
—From a South African chamber of com- 

merce newsletter recruiting new busi- 


nesses to Johannesburg 


“churched youth” who respond- 
ed had had sexual intercourse 
by their I8th birthday. They're 


not that far behind "un- 
churched" youths. 
F Burton 


Indianapolis, Indiana 


Wildmon is suing the FCC 
for failing to uphold Federal 
regulations against “indecent, 
obscene and profane broadcast- 
ing." and hes going to launch a 
blitz against what he calls im- 
moral programing. Beauty is in 
the eye of the beholder, Wild- 
mon—and so is immorality: 

L. Harris 
Houston, Texas 


Jerry Falwell and I actually 
agree on something. He was 
quoted in an interview as 5ау- 
ing. “I feel that most ministers 
who claim that they've heard 
God's voice. or hear voices, arc 
eating too much pizza before 
they go to bed at night, and irs 
really an intestinal disorder, not 
а revelation.” Amen to that 

G. Lopez 
San Antonio, Texas 


According to a Gallup Poll, 68 
percent of Americans belong to 
a church or a synagogue. Your 
readers must all fall into the 32 
percent who do not helong to a 
religious organization, other- 
wise they would not put up with 
your attacks on the reverends 
Mr. Wildmon and Mr. Falwell. 

5. Mason 
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 


Jerry Falwell is a vicious viper. 
Phillip Snow 
Pompano Beach, Florida 


Wildmon should remember that he is 
not the inquisitor general of faith and 
morals for all Americans—only for his 
own flock. 

Lybrand P Smith 


Torrance, California 


Could it be that fundamentalists are so 
upset because they see that a religious 
upbringing does not have a significant 
impact on their young people's sex lives? 
A survey of eight evangelical denomina- 
tions found that 43 percent of the 1400 


We are not attacking religion; 
we are allacking religious fanatics who are in- 
tolerant of others’ beliefs. In fact, our readers 
are as religivus as the rest of the United States 
population. Consider the following: 


RELIGIOUS GENERAL PLAYROY 
PREFERENCE POPULATION READERS 
(percent) (percent) 
Baptist 18.6 18.0 
Catholic 30.6 29.1 
Disciples of Christ 19 25 
Episcopal 2.0 30 
Jewish 2.2 25 
Lutheran 5.8 6.6 
Methodist 93 9.2 
Presbyterian 37 45 
Other Protestant 6.6 49 
Other Religion 4.2 e 


S 


R E 


Р О 


N S EE 


Here is an addition to your artide on 
Falwell. Congress recently overrode Rea- 
gans veto of the Civil Rights Restoration 
Act, which bars discrimination against 
women, minorities, the elderly and the 
physically disabled and broadens Feder- 
al penalties for discrimination. Falwell 
called it the “Civil Rights Sodom and Go- 
morrah Act.” 


S. Tucker 
New York, New York 


REVERSE SEXISM 

I disagree with Andrew S. Ryan, Jr's, 
views in “Reverse Sexism” (The Playboy 
Forum, April). Several years ago, the Tù- 
day show interviewed six bright, attrac- 
tive, successful career women. They all 
had the same complaint: “Now that 'm 
successful, where are the marriageable 
men?" The men they dated made it clear 
that their professional statu fine for 
dating but not for marriage: marriage 
was for “someone like Mom.” Today then 
interviewed six men. When asked 
bothered them to be asked out by a wom- 
an, they said that it did. Would it bother 
them to have a successful wife? Ves; they 
wanted someone like their mother. How 
did they feel about the woman's paying 
for dinner? Most laughed uncomfortably: 
Some said they would let a woman pay; 
others said they wouldn't. 

That isn't exactly a representative sam- 
pling, but the fact is, women are ten years 
ahead of men in relating 10 changes in 
sex roles. 1 have the deepest sympathy for 
“liberated” women who discover that 
most guys dont know how to relate to 
them. 

"The best book I ever read about men 

was The Hazards of Being Male, by Herb 
Goldberg, Ph.D. The following is a 
telling quote: 
The most remarkable and significant 
aspect of the feminist movement to date 
has been woman's daring willingness to 
own up to her resistances and resentment 
toward her time-honored, sanctified 
roles of wife and even mother. The male, 
however, has yet to fully realize, acknowl- 
edge and rebel against the distress and 
stifling aspects of many of the roles he 
plays—from good husband to good dad- 
dy, to good provider, to good lover, etc. 
Because of the inner pressure to con- 
stantly affirm his dominance and mas- 
culinity, he continues to act as if he can 
stand up under, fulfill and even enjoy all 
the expectations placed on him no mat- 
ter how contradictory and devitalizing 
they are." 


The best way to eliminate women's 
complaints about men is to start acting 
like men and not a bunch of emotional 
adolescents overdosing on testosterone. 

Tony Licata 
Chicago, Illinois 


I think it's time we give serious consid- 
eration to our shared humanity and not 
just our different sexes. 

Guillermo Machado 
Miami, Florida 


GUN RIGHTS 
о Take Your Guns to Tow 


"by 


William J. Helmer (The Playboy Forum, 
February). 


is a refreshing departure 


22. 
АА ақ PI, 


Say it isn't so, Aretha. 

А gossip column in the 
Chicago Tribune report- 
ed that Aretha Franklin 


wont record another 
duet with George Mi- 
chael, “because she's 


offended by his 1 Want 
Your Sex single. Promot- 
ing love is fine, says 
Aretha, but promoting 


lust isn't Fine, said 
Michael, when he heard 
what Aretha had said. 
But he was curious: 
What is You Make Me Feel 
Like a Natural Woman all 
about?” 


POP-CULTURE PAUDE == 


from the usual gun garbage published in 
the majority of magazines and big-city 
newspapers. Thanks. 
Ron Sider 
Detroit, Michigan 


Gun-control advocates accept violence 
asa part of urban life. They refuse to see 
that possessing a handgun can be a de- 
terrent to violence. І think that gun-con- 
wol nuts are more masochistic than they 
are committed to a rule by law. 

W. Michael Kaiser 

Batesville, Indiana 


Helmer points out that four out of 
100.000 people are killed and wounded 


7255 


Entertainment Tonight 
let viewers know that 
Whelchel, the born- 
blonde actress who 
portrays the insufferable 
preppie on The Facts of 


Life, declined to appear 
in an episode that intro- 
duced premarital sex. 
The TV listings describe 
the plot this way: “Nata- 
lie and Snake plan 10 
mark the anniversary of 
their first year together 
with a sexual encounter.” 
Amazing, isn’t it, that a 
show called The Facts of 
Life can remain on the 
air for nine years without 
dealing with that fact of 
life? 


UNREALISTIC FEAR 


(conlinued from page 51) 
Crisis took barely two years from concep- 
шоп to print run. 

Masters and Johnson have in the past 
refused to indulge in speculation: They 
would talk only within the narrow limits of 
what they had discovered in the lab. The 
narrow focus was frustrating to this re- 
porter, but it was honest. This time, howev- 
er, they conducted one study, then wrote a 
high-profile book filled with speculation 
about other peoples work. 

"Тһе study was fairly simple—and fatally 
flawed. The institute wanted to replicate a 
study on hepatitis B infection showing that 
the more partners a person had, the more 
likely he or she was to have the HB virus. 

Kolodny supervised the pilot study, re- 
cruiting subjects from singles bars, health 
clubs, universities, church groups and 
childbirth classes, The authors eliminated 
anyone who admitted drug use, homosex- 
ual or bisexual experience or who had had 
blood transfusions from 1977 on (but did 
not exclude anyone who had slept with 
drug users or bisexuals). After narrowing 
the subjects to two groups—400 men and 
women who said they were strictly monog- 
amous and 400 swingers who had had 
more than six partners a year for five 
years—Kolodny took blood samples, One 
man (.25 percent of the 400 monogamous 
subjects), ten of the sexually active men 


(five percent) and 14 of the sexually active 
women (seven percent) tested positive for 
HIV. The authors seemed to have proved 
their hypothesis that simple heterosexual 
promiscuity was enough to increase the 
chances of getting AIDS. 

Unfortunately, those results are suspect. 
The authors did not follow up after they 
found the HIV-positive blood samples: 
The donor/subjects were anonymous and 
could not be identified. Researchers with 
more experience in the AIDS field have 
learned that most people hide homosexu- 
ality and 1.V-drug use. Many people who 
insisted that they had caught AIDS from a 
prostitute or a heterosexual partner, upon 
subsequent interrogation recanted and ad- 
mitted to drug use or homosexual liaisons. 

The authors of Crisis claim that theirs 
was the first study of simple heterosexuals. 
They dismiss tests of 12,600,000 blood- 
donor samples, which show а much lower 
infection rate of four in 10,000 (04 per- 
cent). They dismiss mandatory tests of mil- 
itary recruits, which have shown a fairly 
constant .15 percent infection rate, Surely, 
simple heterosexuals give blood and/or 
join the military. 

If you want to know Playboy's position on 
the AIDS epidemic, check out A Calm Look 
at AIDS in the July 1987 issue. We are not 
afraid of calm—it is the opposite of calm 
that destroys societies and scientific repu- 
tations. To our old friends, Masters and 
Johnson, all we can say is: Shame. 

—IAMES R. PETERSEN 


Buxom beauties in bikini tops adorn 
the labels of Nude Beer. For the sake of 
truth in adverusing, the beauues аге 
nude when the bikini is scratched off. 

Given the humorless nature of our 
times, a beer with such a label couldn't 


possibly be marketed without some opposition. The New York. 
State Liquor Authority is the most recent opponent in Nude 
Beers short history. It ruled against the beer, stating that 
the label was not in good taste and, furthermore, that the 
empty bottles, presumably with breasts exposed, could £ 
be redeemed in stores where children might see them. 

Nude Beer appealed the ban and state justice Myriam 
Altman overturned the Liquor Authority's ruling, calling it arbi- 
trary and capricious. Nude Beer, Altman said, could not be banned 
from New York merely because it did not conform to the state's standard of 
good taste. As for children, they've seen worse. 

But the Liquor Authority was right in part. For when all is said and done, Nude 
Beer will sell only if beer drinkers think it's, well, in good taste. 


READER RESPONSE 


(continued from page 55) 


each year with handguns. That is approxi- 
mately 2400 people per year. Those statis- 
tics are dreadful, but look at the other side. 
There are 650,000 times per year when a 
law-abiding citizen uses a gun to success- 
fully defend himself. And who can tell 
how many times a criminal has scotched 
his plans because his intended victim was 
armed? 

Charles Hester 

Greensboro, North Carolina 


Helmer did not point out that the right 
to bear arms is part of the Bill of Rights. 
Playboy is a supporter of the First Amend- 
ment, but you invariably ignore the Second 
Amendment—the one that gives us the ul- 
timate defense against tyranny, whether it 
be by Government or by subway thugs. 

Ronald A. Domingue 
Lafayene. Louisiana 


DIVORCED FROM REALITY 
Our judicial system apparently believes 
that educated women are too incompetent 
to survive without a man's support. I don't 
know how women feel about this, but as a 
divorced male forced to pay my ex-wife al- 
imony, attorneys’ fees and 75 percent of 
our possessions and cash assets, І can tell 
you how I feel—angry and frustrated. 
Randy Brasch 
Clearfield. Utah 


A fifth of JB. 


cit Whisky, Blended an leg in Scotla 


4; e — 
1 S; е irit e since 1749; 
seng a giftof J&B anywhere int -800-238-4373. Void where ibit: p TT 


— 


Quorum. A cologne for men. 
Because there are women. 


— Available at 
Bloomingdale's 


nan мек PAUL HOGAN 


a fair dinkum conversation with the wonder from down under about aussie 
women, beer, blokes—and the phenomenal success of * crocodile dundee” 


Its 7:30 on a rainy New York winter morn- 
ing. The film crew has already turned an 
East Village watering hole, Vazacs, into Als 
Bar and Grill and crammed the place with 
lights and cameras, The door swings open 
and in walks a rugged, compact man with 
blond hair and a crinkly, weather-beaten face. 
He wears bush clothes—boots, a black hat 
and a short jacket of crocodileskin. 

“G'day, Names Mick Dundee,” he an- 
nounces cheerily. He leans back on the bar 
and gazes around the room. His accent is not 
from these parts. “I'm new in town. Um look- 
ing for work.” He waits, then swivels to face 
the bartender “Guess thats enough job hunt- 
ing for one day.” 

In real life, Paul Hogan, the actor who cre- 
ated. co-wrote and starred in "Crocodile" 
Dundee,” the tale of the outback larrikin who 
invades America, doesn't need any job besides 
the one he obviously enjoys so much. Why 
would he? “ ‘Crocodile’ Dundee” made 
$350,000,000 world-wide, and the sequel 
may generale similar revenue. Hogan's per 
sonal cut from the first picture is said to be at 
least $40,000,000. If you consider thal un 
til 1973, he had worked at 30 or 40 Joni ha. 
ing jobs (one of them stuffing corpses in a 
morgue), its no mystery why his favorite 
phrase isn't “Pll slip an extra shrimp on the 
barbie" but “No worries, mate!” 


“I'm not the type teenage girls flutter over, 
but women have never found me repulsive 
and E don't mind it. And because I'm not a 
smoldering sex symbol, blokes dont get their 
nose out of joint.” 


Nor, in real life, would Hogan have to in- 
troduce himself at most bars in the English- 
speaking world. Perhaps the most celebrated 
Australian of his time, he has become, 
through his films, TV appearances and com. 
mercials, an unpretentious symbol of the 
average bloke everywhere, And a lot funnier. 

The Wonder fron Down Under was born 
October 8, 1939, at Parramatta, an outer 
suburb of Sydney. The family, however, soon 
moved to Granville, а lower-middle-class 
Sydney suburb, where he grew up, grew bored 
with school and quit at 15. While working at 
the local swimming pool, he met his future 
wife, Norlene, and they married when he was 
just 19 and she was 18, with prospects, Но: 
gan later assessed, that were “zero.” He didn't 
do much to improve them. 

Four years and three children later, Hogan 
had become something of a pub-crawling 
lout. To support his family (eventually five), 
he worked at odd jobs, his last gig being a rig- 
ger on the Sydney Harbor Bridge. lt offered 
ty, friendly mates and little else. There, 
high up on the arch affectionately known as 
the Coathanger, he fought depression and a 
growing self-hatred by indulging in a natu. 
ral talent for humor, quips and pontification. 

Hogan didn't know il, but those qualities 
would change his life. In 1972, he accepted 
his friends dare to land a spot on “New 


“Australians never miss a war, We were good 
at it, because we lived on horseback and 
hunted for food. When we got to Europe, we 
gol a shilling a day, three meals, and all we 
had to do was shoot people. It was a picnic.” 


Faces,” the Australian equivalent of “The 
Gong Show” He wrote in, saying he was a 
knife-throwing former trapeze artist. The 
shows producers believed him, and when his 
turn came to perform, he instead stood on 
stage and methodically insulted the judges. 
His performance was a hit; he was invited 
back and soon was being interviewed on the 
bridge by a reporier from another show, “A 
Current Affair,” which hired Hogan to do 
comic commentaries. 

He kept his bridge job and worked piece- 
meal at $40 per TV appearance—amazed 
that anyone would pay him just for spouting 
off Later, Hogan would say that his appeal 
was that, unlike most Australian TV person- 
alities, who either spoke the queens English or 
tried to sound as though they were from Cali- 
fornia, Hogan sounded like someone youd 
meet at a New South Wales pub. 

No one thought he would lasi. But a year 
later, Hogan won a Logie—the Australian 
yny—for best new talent. Suddenly, driv- 
ers crossing the Sydney Harbor Bridge were 
causing accidents when they spotted him. By 
then, he had acquired a manager, John Сов 
nell, a Western Australian journalist who'd 
been instrumental in signing him to “A Cur- 
rent Affair” after his interview appeared and 
who next pushed Hogan into commercial en- 
dorsements. The first try was as a spokesman 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RANOY O'ROURKE 


5) just roll along, even if people think I'm a 
chauvinist. If you're a woman, at least you 
know who Mick Dundee is. You know he isn't 
going to come dancing out of the closet at 
night with your underwear on.” 


PLAYBOY 


60 


for Winfield cigarettes. They became the 
biggest-selling brand down under, and sud- 
denly, Hogans name and the slogan “Any- 
how, have a Winfield” became as familiar as 
the morning paper. 

Cornell finally persuaded Hogan to quit 
rigging and во into showbiz full time. They 
landed a contract to produce their own TV 
specials—“The Paul Hogan Show" (sold lat- 
er as a syndicated half hour in some US. cit- 
ies). The raucous, irreverent specials quickly 
made waves. In an episode shot in England, 
Hogan drops in for an erate tea with a 
Queen Elizabeth impersonator, advises. the 
prime minister on colonial affairs and makes 
fun of Germaine Greer (author of “The Fe- 
male Eunuch” and a friend of Hogans). For 
another show, he visited Playboy Mansion 
West. The specials proved so popular that 
soon Hogan and Cornell had the freedom to 
do а show whenever Hogan decided he had 
enough material. 

There followed, in relatively quick succes- 
sion, more TV specials, an ad campaign in 
England for Fosters lager that increased 
sales remarkably (he did American commer- 
cials for Fosters later), a series of canny spots 
urging American tourists to visit Australia, 
the 1986 Australian of the Year Award and a 
low-budget aduenturelromance film about 
Michael J. Dundee and a lady reporter from 
Newsday. The film showed how a bit of pure- 
hearted macho charm transplanted from the 
outback to Manhattan could translate into 
box-office heaven. 

Hogan has been interuewed twice by 
Playboy’ Australian edition. For thas, lus 
U.S. debut, we asked Contributing Editor 
David Rensin to meet with him in New York 
while he was filming ~ ‘Crocodile’ Dundee 
IL." (We also include a few exchanges from 
the Australian interview conducted by jour- 
nalist Phil Jarratt.) Rensin’s report: 

“We conducted our interview in Hogan's 
caravan, which was parked outside Silvercup 
Studios in Queens. He appeared after lunch, 
out of costume, but still wearing boots and a 
black-leaiher jacket made from the skin of 
some exotic animal. The crease in his jeans 
meant the hotel had been doing his laundry 
too long: ‘I'm lucky lo get them back, he said 
with a grin. 

“Tt had staried to snow Hogan had never 
seen snow fall in New York, he said, speaking 
with that matter-of-fact lilt that has become 
his—and his countrys—trademark. He of- 
fered to heat some coffee to keep us warm. Не 
fumbled but finally got a pot brewing. Tve 
had a wife since I was 19, he said, shrugging. 
“Tm so lacking in domestic skills that I can't 
even make a good cup of coffee? He poured 
two cups, spilling one. 

“Га expected a man closer to the understat- 
ed sophisticate of Hogans tourism commer- 
cials than to the Archie Bunker—ish Okker 
[Aussie redneck] on which he'd made his early 
reputation. I was partly right. Hogan was 
mostly soft-spoken, but his tone couldn't mask 
а laconic wit that was even drier than a mar- 
tini sans vermouth—filtered through a regu- 
lar-guy Aussie patois. 

“Hogan likes to be in control; yet he does зо 


with a complex, even Byzantine shrewdn 
For example, to make the first * Crocodile 
Dundee; he financed half the film with the 
help of stockholders. But wanting to be free of 
their occasional. "gullessness and interfe: 
ence, Hogan and Cornell diminished their 
influence by making deals too quickly for any- 
one to object. Later, hit in hand, he made an- 
other deal with Paramount, leaving him free 
to follow his comic instincts and make the 
“Crocodile” Dundee IT he wanted. That 
meant replacing the original director with 
Cornell and writing the script with his eldest 
son, Brett. 

"Of course, one can't fault Hogan for keep- 
ing things in the family, Yet it is a clear indi- 
cation of how single-mindedly the man works. 
Not that you can tell from the self-effacingly 
polite and disarming exterior. I began by ask- 
ing about the ‘Dundee’ sequel, being shot on 
the sound stage a few hundred yards ашау.” 


PLAYBOY: When we last saw Crocodile Dun- 
dee, he was on a jammed subway-station 
platform, stepping across the shoulders of 
Passengers to reach the arms of his true 
love. It seemed deliberately open-ended. 
Was a sequel being considered even be- 


“In movies, you dont 
necessarily have to take 
a chain saw to people to 

straighten them out.” 


fore the huge box-office returns— 
$350,000,000 world-wide—were in? 

HOGAN: No, though people think we were 
bein’ a bit clever. But the first movie was al- 
most an introduction. Mick Dundee's ma- 
jor confrontations were with kid muggers 
and escalators and bidets. It wasn't really 
an adventure. It was a comedy-romance 
and maybe a little adventure. It almost 
seemed like a waste of a character. But that 
gave it an advantage in terms of a sequel. 
If the first movie had been like Indiana 
Jones and the Temple of Doom, the sequel 
would necessarily have been another giant 
adventure. But since Mick has only sort of 
popped in, been in New Yorka week or two 
and shaken hands with a few people, it's 
open. So now, in “Crocodile” Dundee П, 1 
get him into lots of action and confronta- 
tions with really tough vil 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't Dunclee’s cl 
was cut from a different cloth from the 
standard action-adventure hero? 
HOGAN: The situations he gets into are de- 
liberately traditional; it’s the way he gets 
out of them that makes this different and 
very, very funny. 1 gave Mick his head and 
let him use his outbackness to overcome 
problems that Rambo and Commando 
and John Wayne found themselves in all 
the time. 


PLAYBOY: Are you parodying other screen 
supermen? Are you slipping in a satirical 
message: 
HOGAN: Not really But I am sayin’ you 
don't necessarily have to take a chain saw 
to people to straighten them out. I was a 
bit sick of “How many guys can we kill?” or 
"There's these brand-new machine guns 
that fire backward!" or “What about if we 
used a chain saw?” Thats the standard 
movic-hero approach, and that gets pretty 
boring. The main thing is, at the end of 
the film, you should have laughed your 
head off and feel the same as you did 
watchin’ the first “Crocodile” Dundee: a 
warm sort of feeling about people. That's 
what I like. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of critical reaction to 
“Crocodile” Dundee H do you expec? 
HOGAN: I expect some backlash about 
losin’ the simplicity and charm of the first 
one and how Ive gone all Hollywood, 
which is nonsense. The same people who 
said the first one wouldn't fly because it was 
too low-key will analyze this one as too ag- 
gressive. Then they'll change their minds 
when it’s a success, too, and say it's because 
I did it without being offensive. 

In the end, the public will decide. All the 
publicity in the world won't carry a film 
to the third week. The third week, youre 
on your own. That's the good part about 
this movie business. You can't force it down 
their necks. 

PLAYBOY: Wildly successful movies usually 
result in a couple of years’ worth of imita- 
tors and spin-otis. Why wasn't that true in 
the case of “Crocodile” Dundee? 

HOGAN: The advertising world certainly 
jumped on it. Everything Australian being 
sold anywhere іп the world has got a sug- 
gestion of a crocodile or a hat or a knife 
somewhere in the background—a vague 
reference to “Crocodile” Dundee. Іп films 
and television, a lot of people have abeady 
tried that path and failed. Those failures 
might have put others off. Anyway, they re 
welcome to try to сору. Comedy is a hard 
game. No one realizes that. 

PLAYBOY: Are you saying your accomplish- 
ments have been taken lightly in some 
quarters? 
HOGAN: “Crocodile” Dundee is not a fluke. 
I've been doin’ comedy on Australian TV 
since 1973. 1 wouldn't make a sequel if I 
didn't think it would be at least one and a 
half times better than the first. And 
"Crocodile" Dundee П is looking like it 
might be twice as good. 

PLAYBOY: Why no merchandising based on 
the original film? Considering the experi 
ence of other smash movies such as Star 
Wars, we might have expected hats, с 
skin jackets and k 
HOGAN: Haven't done really We j 
have to stop other people from doin it, be- 
cause things come out with 
crocodile stuff attached that people 
ume we're involved in it. But we didn't do 
didn't want to. Don't want to turn 
Crocodile Dundee into Mr. T, y" know? 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't there also talk of a 


so m 


Crocodile" Dundee TV sei 
HOGAN: Instantly. But, no, I wasnt inter- 


And will there be yet another 

Are we witnessing the birth of the 
Rocky syndrome, Australian style? 
HOGAN: ‘The original title on the first draft 
of the sequel was “Crocodile” Dundee—The 
End, meaning there would be no third, 
fourth, seventh. / certainly dorit want to 
do a next one. True, I said we didn't plan a 
sequel for the first one, either. But that first 
опе was made on a very low budget and it 
was restricted in so many ways. We 
couldn't do things with the character t 
we might have wanted to. “Crocodile” Dun- 
dee П sort of completes it. 
PLAYBOY: So you'll go on record as saying 
there will never be another "Crocodile 
Dunde 
HOGAN: Definitely There wont һе 
[Pauses] The only excuse to do a third one 
would be money. [Laughs] No. There wont 
be another! Look, if I leave it long enough, 
I'll be too old to do Mick, anyway. The 
thing to do is to come up with a better 
character. 
PLAYBOY: Any ideas 
HOGAN: I've thought of a character who 
will vary from, rather than be radically 
different from, Dundee. 
PLAYBOY: Arent you concerned about type- 
casting yourself? 
HOGAN: I've already faced that problem. 
I've been one of the best-known faces on 
Australian television for years and years 
and years. So I thought the first movie 
would be a challenge, because those peo- 
ple knew me as a television comedian and 
social commentator for so long. The char- 
acter I played on television, Hoges, was a 
variation on Crocodile Dundee. And so 
they accepted it. It would be the same if I 
went into a new character. 


ing basically 

HOGAN: I'm not Laurence Olivier. If you 
go to a Clint Eastwood movie, you expect 
to see Clint Eastwood and you're disap- 
pointed if you dont. You dont want to see 
him playin’ a bank clerk. And thats all 
right with me. I don't have this crisis about 
being an actor who has to be so radically 
different every time he turns up. No great 
interest in it 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

HOGAN: My Australian television show was 
a total platform. I wrote it. There was no 
censorship of any shape or form. When 
enough tickled my imagination or ap- 
pealed to me, then I put a show together 
and just put it on. I had a blank screen 
contract. So I'm not like a frustrated actor 
who's been doin other people's vehicles for 
years and now, at last, has the opportunity 
to say something. My very first time on 
television was me givin’ my opinion of 
whats wrong with the world. So Гуе had 
that luxury There's nothing burning in- 
side me. Besides, I get bored being only an 
actor. I did an Australian miniseries [AN- 
ZACS] that dealt with our war history. And 


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PLAYBOY 


І couldnt handle sittin’ around all day 
in make-up just to jump up once in 19 
hours and say, “Look out! Here comes a 
bullet!” 

For 13 years, my partner, John Cornell, 
and I did everything: write, produce, 
direct, design the sets half the 
time, edit, promote the whole sort of pack- 
age. Same with che film. I'm involved right 
down to the final mix, how the posters 
look, how many theaters its in, what the 
ads are like. This time, we decided we 
didnt really need an outside director. Or 
outside writers. And that’s the nearest I 
can get to directing it myself—only it’s eas- 
ier, because John does all the hard work. If 
we could, we'd rent theaters, as well, and 
be ushers and adjust the projector and do 
all that, because thats the nature we've got. 
PLAYBOY: Obviously, it’s a strong relation- 
ship. 

HOGAN: Yeah. We're the godfathers of 
each other's children and are best friends. 
We think alike, we have similar attitudes 
and have never had a real row. If you didn't 
know better, you'd probably think we were 
homos. [Laughs] You know—an old mar- 
ried couple that's startin’ to look alike. But 
ме ain't homos. 
PLAYBOY: How did you come up with the 
idea for “Crocodile” Dundee in the first 
place? 
HOGAN: I was in New York doing talk-show 
and radio interviews to promote the Aus- 
tralian Tourist Commission campaign. 1 
was treated very nicely but also like | was a 
Martian. I guess I was a bit of a novelty be- 
cause I was Australian. It wasn’t just the 
way 1 talked, though. It was my attitude to- 
ward things. People laughed at what I said 
I thought was funny, but they also laughed 
because I was different, so it occurred to me 
that if people thought / was funny, then 
they'd split their sides over some of the out- 
back outlaws that Га struck up in the Ter- 
ritory over the years. New Yorkers would 
think they were in a time warp if they met 
some of those blokes; the Territory and 
New York are the opposite ends of Western 
civilization. 
PLAYBOY: When you tried to get US. distri- 
bution for the movie, was Hogan in Holly- 
wood anything like Dundee іп New York? 
HOGAN: Yeah. Though my introduction to 
Hollywood was with television. Years ago, I 
sold a cut-up version of some of my old 
Australian shows. They were going to be 
broadcast at midnight and such. At the 
time, we had meetings with high-power 
ives. But they didn't have any power 
Il that lunch thing—talkin' in 
circles and “Let's do” business and all the 
clichés and nothing ever happened. 
PLAYBOY: If you were to spoof Hollywood, 
say, on a TV show-— 
HOGAN: Oh, it’s totally spoofable. I might 
really laugh myself silly. The Beverly Hills 
Hotel, naturally, was where I stayed the 
first time I came over. At the Polo Lounge 
and the pool, I saw guys with a white stripe 
down their face from holdin’ the phone out 
in the sun. They're talking in loud voices, 


you know, “I don't want Redford. Tell him 
to nick off. Barbra Streisand? I won't work 
with that bitch again!” All loud conyersa- 
tions, obyiously with nobody. “Гус got this 
idea I'm working on. It’s sort of like a Love 
Boat, only on land.” These guys had 48 
pounds of gold chain and bad rugs 
[Laughs] It was wonderful. I'd have been 
disappointed if it hadu't been like that. 
Fullof pretenders and would-bes, But peo- 
ple don't do deals around the pool of a 
hotel. That's only in the movies. 

PLAYBOY: Was it tough for you to cut 
through the bullshit in Hollywood? 
HOGAN: No, not when I was talkin’ to 
blokes who were genuinely in the business, 
who knew what its really all about and 
could say yes to a deal, Then, no problem 
at all. Its a pleasure, in fact. 1 can under- 
stand, though, that it'd be a tough business 
to be here with your script under your 
arm, waitin’ in those queues, fightin’ to 
connect with somebodys secretary I 
wouldn't play in that game. 

PLAYBOY: Did you have any sort of film 
model on which to fashion “Crocodile” 
Dundee? 

HOGAN: I had models of what to avoid. I 
wanted nothing in my film where the 
wound gapes open and blood spurts out. 
And no attempt to be funny by excessive 
use of profanity. That’s OK only when it's 
required. And no sex scenes. And no crip- 
ple jokes or comedy built on racism. No 
venom. A happy movie. A couple of critics 
compared “Crocodile” Dundee to films by 
Frank Capra. That's пісе. But—and this is 
no insult to Capra -I didn't really know. 
who he was. 

PLAYBOY: Since you're taking some pokes at 
the American tough-guy heroes and gen- 
erally suggesting that they lighten up, let’s 
name some names. What advice would you 
give Clint Eastwood? 

HOGAN: If he played a hard-working ac- 
countant with difficulties at home and psy- 
chiatric problems, he might earn the 
respect of his peers, as they call it. But his 
fans would hate it and stay away in droves. 
His fans put him where he is, so... keep 
doin’ what youre doin, Clint. 

PLAYBOY: Arnold Schwarzenegger? 
HOGAN: [Pauses] Well, he does do comedy 
to acertain extent. But as an actor, what he 
does is subject to the script. So there's not 
much sense discussing Arnold's point of 
view. Who knows what it is? 

PLAYBOY: But don't you think his point of 
view is reflected in the scripts he chooses? 
HOGAN: I don't think of аз а movie 
star. Poor Mr. Universe who does a lot of 
movies where he tears peoples heads off 
and looks like a chimp. I couldn't scc him 
in a musical comedy, [Smiles] 

PLAYBOY: What about Sylvester Stallone? 
Do you detect any comic potential there? 
HOGAN: Well, he didnt do too well in 
Rhinestone with Dolly Parton. If he did 
comedy, you might have trouble under- 
standing his delivery. But my real problem 
with Stallone is that I can't understand how 
the guy who wrote Rocky, which is a classic, 


is the same guy who did Rocky IV or Rambo 
II. It doesn't make any sense 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

HOGAN: His original Rocky was up against 
it in so many ways. Boxing pictures dont 
usually work, they don't get a female audi- 
ence; and yet he made a boxing picture 
that was so much about the human spirit, 
the triumph of endeavor. It was warm and 
it was funny. It was one of the best movies 
I've ever seen. And now the same guy 
makes Rocky IV. Something happened. He 
needs to sit down with a psychiatrist. Its a 
tragedy. Rocky IV just turned into comic- 
book politics with the dreaded gray-suited 
Commies and all that sort of nonsense. 
PLAYBOY: So your career advice to Stallone 
would be—— 

HOGAN: 1 don't give advice. I'm just mys- 
tified about Sylvester Stallone as a writer. 
Arnold Schwarzenegger might grow roses 
and be a stamp collector, for all 1 know; 
you get no insight at all into the personali- 
ties of people playing roles in movies that 
someone else wrote. But since Sly wrote the 
script for Rocky, you think you'd under- 
stand the author’s values. So it’s a great 
mystery to me how anyone can go from 
Rocky, which had a simple beauty about it, 
to, ah, rubbish. If I ever make a "Crocodile" 
Dundee Ш full of Russian villains against 
the free world, or with Dundee takin’ to 
people with chain saws, then I hope some- 
one puts me in a rubber room. 

PLAYBOY: Following that line of reasoning, 
we must assume that “Crocodile” Dundee 
accurately reflects your values. 

HOGAN: 10 a certain extent. I'm not as 
wholesome and pure as Crocodile Dundee. 
Perhaps nobody is. Mick doesn't have a 
deep, dark secret. And that’s probably 
what makes him what he is. He's as open as 
a book. He's as open as we'd all like to be. 
Hes pure of heart and takes everyone on 
face value. 

PLAYBOY: Don't you think, despite your 
family-movie instincts, that blood and 
gore and adventure have been what Amer- 
ican audiences want? 

HOGAN: I don't know whether its what 
they've wanted or the diet they were 
served; so many movies were catered to 
the teenage market that it used to be all 
you could get. For anyone under 20, Amer- 
ican movies were high school's-a-drag dra- 
mes and karatechopping messengers 
from hell. Adult movies were about mid- 
dic-aged people dying of cancer or mar- 
riages breaking up or financial disasters. 1 
remember thinking, Theres gotta be 
something in between. There was a dearth 
of grown-up leading mcn; no onc filled 
these roles that Cary Grant or Humphrey 
Bogart once did, particularly comedy 
roles. The only grownups doing hero roles 
are Clint Eastwood and Charley Bronson, 
and they're not getting any laughs. 
PLAYBOY: Did you consider any other titles 
for the movie? 

HOGAN: Honestly? [Smiles] Only one: Buf- 
falo Jones. It was a working title. The Jones 
was because of Indiana Jones, and the 


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PLAYBOY 


68 


Buffalo was because of some scenes that 
were once in the script about going on a 
buffalo chase. Its quite a spectacular thing 
to watch. You run them down, grab ein by 
the tail, run up and tie them and throw 
them over. But the scenes were too hard to 
film and the whole idea wem by the 
wayside. Also, the Buffalo name was 
wrong, because it implies a big sort of oxy 
bloke. You expect to see someone like Re- 
frigerator Perry. And that’s not me. 
PLAYBOY: Your image is that of a pretty 
competent fellow, both as Crocodile Dun- 
dee and as Paul Hogan. What can't you do? 
HOGAN: Well, I'd starve to death if I had to 
cook for myself. Im barely capable of mak- 
ing a cup of tea or pouring а cup of coffee. 
Т also can't sing and I wish I could. J also 
can't type, but 1 don't want to. Anyway, I've 
always believed that if you've got some- 
thing to say, someone else will type it i 
Fortunately, I don't have to do much. Its 
that old thing of if you're not good at 
something, avoid it. That's the luxury of 
writing your own parts. I've no big scenes 
where Crocodile Dundee has an emotional 
breakdown and bursts into tears. I haven't 
experienced that, I probably can't do it and 
so I don't put it in the script. No ballet 
dancing, either. However, | do have me 
swingin’ through the air, doing somer- 
saults, humpin people and swimming. I 
can do all that. 

PLAYBOY: Besides the "Crocodile" movies, 
you've become almost as well known for 
your various pitches—from enticing U.S. 
visitors to Australia to hawking commer- 
cial products. How long did it take you 10 
get tired of hearing people say, "Hey, Paul, 
slip an extra shrimp оп the barbie”? 
HOGAN: About two weeks. I've also heard 
“Anyhow, have a Winfield” about half a 
million times in Australia. I hear “Have 
another Fosters” when I go to England. 
PLAYBOY: Since you've written many of 
those tag lines yourself, do you deliberate- 
ly go for a memorable hook? 

HOGAN: Хо, not really. Quite often, they're 
accidental, I did know in the first 
"Crocodile" movie that the line “That's not 
a knife; that’s a knife” would go imo the 
language. And, indeed, I hear that a mi 
lion times. On the other hand, it’s no big 
deal. It doesn't turn me into a living legend 
like Don Johnson or Joan Collins, Um just 
the “shrimp on the barbie” guy 

PLAYBOY: Are you planning to continue de- 
ing ad: 
HOGAN: No. Гуе had success at it, but I 
don't want to go down as a great salesman. 
PLAYBOY: Well, what do you put on the bar- 
bie? 

HOGAN: Oh, usually Australian beef 
sausages, Sausages and steak. Not often 
shrimps. 1 like them as they are. 

PLAYBOY: Raw? 

jo, steamed! The only things that 
eat shrimp raw are fish. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you take on the selling 
of Australia in the first place? 

HOGAN: Well, the first reason was, I didn't 
like being mistaken for a Pom—a Brit— 


when I was in America. That always ai 
noyed the shit out of me. And Americans 
knowin’ nothing about Australia, that's an- 
other reason. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you like the cute koala 
commercials? 

HOGAN: I was embarrassed by them. They 
were pointless and boring. Yet [with an ad- 
maus lilt}, I thought Australia was a terrific 
place for an American. My partner, John, 
said, “You should be sellin’ a country, пога 
product.” It was his idea. And then I met 
the incoming minister of tourism, who 
entioned to me that the tou lus- 
try—Americans going to Australia—was 
practically nonexistent and said, “Would 
you give us a hand?” And I said yes. 
PLAYBOY: And you give your fees to chari- 
у? 

HOGAN: [Nervous laughter] That's all quiet. 
[Pauses] How do you know I got paid at all? 
It's not recorded anywhere. 

PLAYBOY: Is there a problem with that? You 
haven't taken any fees for yourself. 
HOGAN: No, I haven't. But nobody was sup- 
posed to know what happened to those 
fees. It came out only when some oppos 
tion politician wanted to bring up in par- 
liament that Га swiped [the money]. Hed 
read in the papers that | was supposed to 
have done it for free and said he believed I 
had received this tremendous amount in- 
stead—which was about five percent of 
what Га charge to sell beer. 

“The original proposition 1 put to the 
government was that if it put together а 
first-class campaign, I'd do the commer- 
cials for nothing to get it off the ground. 1 
basically said, If you're gonna spend 
$3,000,000 on it and give me $1,000,000, 1 
wont be in it. Lf you put $6,000,000 into it, 
then ПІ do it for nothing. I explained that 
they werent dealing with some broken- 
down second-rate presenter who just want- 
ed to get his hand into the government 
coffers, because, quite frankly, Га rather 
not deal with the government. [Pauses] 
But, yes, 1 did get the money off them and. 
1 did put it to good usc. I didn't keep it. 
"There were scveral reasons. 

PLAYBOY: For instance? 

HOGAN: | wanted to pull some people into 
gear for taking the wrong attitude. I was 
telling some government and advertising 
people to not fuck around. I felt that I was 
being treated as if J owed them! It was sug- 
gested that "Crocodile" Dundee worked 
only because of the ads. But those bloody 
ads ran in only four American states. It 
was because the movie was such a univei 
sal hit that it piggybacked everything 
else—tourist and commercial ads. They 
got such a free ride out of the movie that I 
really resent anyone in tourism suggesting 
that they ve done good Бу me. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that you're respon- 
sible for the Australian tourist boom? 
HOGAN: Oh, to a great extent. I don't know 
if it would have been as effective if the 
minister had used someone else. A lot of 
experts believed that the way to sell Aus- 
tralia was to promote the falling dollar. 1 


said, “Do you honestly believe that some- 
where right now in America,a guy is going 
home to his wife to say, “You know that holi- 
day in Switzerland we've been planning for 
years? Well, the Australian dollar has just 
dropped another three cents. So we're 
going there!" Families plan holidays, and 
aside from a place like Tokyo being so 
grotesquely expensive, costs don't come 
into most conversations. 

PLAYBOY: You're a booster for Australia 
when you're in the States, but you're not al- 
ways as reverent about it at home, are you? 
: Nah. Australia is celebrating its bi- 
centennial, which won't mean much to you, 
but it’s the country's 200th birthday And 
that whole situation needs sendin up. 
PLAYBOY: Australian films in recent years 
have been heavily into nostalgia about 
Australia’s history, haven't they? 

HOGAN: Yeah. That's why no one goes to 
see ‘em. That's why I avoided that like the 
plague. Nobody really cares what boring 
things happened in Australia. A hundred 
years ago, nothing much happened. 
PLAYBOY: Except that the hero and horse 
always die. Why? What does it say about 
the Australian character thal so many 
recent movies have been about wars and 


That the wrong people are mak- 
ing movies. A lot of the people who got in- 
to film making should probably be driving 
buses. It would say something about the 
Australian character only if the public 
were flocking to the films where the hero 
always dies. But if we keep making those 
tragedy-torn films and the public stays 
away, then we're not reflecting Australian 
tastes at all. Were reflecting the opinions 
of a handful of film makers. So we've got 
this false image of Australia, 
PLAYBOY: Didn't you call Australian direc- 
tors wankers |masturbators]? 

HOGAN: No, no. Let's get it straight once 
and for all. There are a lot of wankers in 
the Australian film industry, and after I 
said that, two or three of those wankers 
jumped up and said, “Well, what about 
Peter Weir and Bruce Beresford?” naming 
ones who were successful and weren't 
wankers. They were hiding their own lack 
of talent behind people who succeeded. I 
never, at any stage, said theyre all 
wankers. But there are а lot ОГ wankers 
there who shouldn't be allowed to make 
films, shouldn't have access to public 
money. 

PLAYBOY: You mean because the govern- 
ment in Australia supports film making 
with tax dollars? 

HOGAN: Yeah. To get into this thing of 
money being allocated by a government 
body is ridiculous, because anyone who's 
got any real creative entertainment talent 
із not ng on some government board. 
They're not working for the government 
for wages. I told Phillip Adams, the chair- 
man of the film commission [and inter- 
viewer of Hogan for his first appearance in 
the Australian edition of Playboy], “You 
and your people are wankers. You take 


government money; you indulge yourself 
with it; you make failed movies." And now 
they're talking about setting up some au- 
thority who will decide what films will be 
made and who will get the money. Well, 
who are the people they're setting up? Peo- 
ple with records as failed film producers! 
They're going to sit up there and decide 
whether this kid gets money to develop his 
script or one of their friends gets money to 
make their crummy movie. 

PLAYBOY: How much of Australia have you 
actually seen? 

HOGAN: Nearly all of it, There are some 
areas up in the far northwest where I 
havent been, but neither has anyone else. 

PLAYBOY: Where do you go for your vaca- 
tions? 

HOGAN: Tend to stay 
home. Used to go to 
England a lot until I 
got too well known. 
Then I started to 
come over here, to 
the US. Id bring 
my whole tribe over 
and we'd go to Dis- 
neyland. But now it's 
gotten too hard 
here, too. 

PLAYBOY: Women are 
among your most 
ardent fans, апа 
you've emerged as а 
kind of sex symbol. 
How do you feel 
about the compari- 
sons to Cary Grant? 
HOGAN: [Embar- 
тачей) It's fine to be 
compared to Cary 
Grant, who was so 
suave, so sophisti- 
cated 

PLAYBOY: So tall 
HOGAN: Yeah. Anda 
very thick neck. Не 


was someone who 
could be a leading 
man and still be 


funny, and who got 
better as he got older. 


But me as Cary 
Gane ©1988 Faberge USA, Inc. 
PLAYBOY: Can mil- 


lions of women be wrong? 
HOGAN: Well, God bless "em. But the idea 
of sex symbol has become so distorted. In 
Australia, it means the latest young star on 
The Young Doctors or some soap, and it’s al- 
most а kiss of death. If some kid has got his 
TV work as a sex symbol, you know that 
within six months, he'll be unemployed. 
And that he has no sex appeal at all 
[Laughs] All those things about compari- 
sons to Cary Grant, Frank Capra—they all 
come from experts later, not from me be- 
forehand. I'm just a short Clint Eastwood 
with a sense of humor. 

PLAYBOY: Have you had women running 
after you? 
HOGAN: Within Yeah. 1 


reason. went 


through all that in 1973, when I started. I 
was 33. And, yes, I was a sex symbol for a 
year or two. But then I was around so 
much that everyone got used to me. And 
also, when you're funny and you do a com- 
edy show, people don't tend to associate 
that with being a sex symbol. Fm not the 
type that teenage girls flutter over, but 
women have never found me repulsive and 
I don't mind it. And because I'm not a 
smoldering sex symbol, blokes don't get 
their nose out of joint. 

PLAYBOY: Isnt part of the attraction that 
women somehow feel both intrigued and 
safe with you? 

HOGAN: Yeah. It makes me sort ofa boring, 
stodgy romantic, rather than а sizzling sex 
symbol. [Laughs] 


Whats the 
perfect Scotch 


after a 


close shave? 


See Page 73 


PLAYBOY: Speaking of sex, you showed the 
bare bottom of your co-star, Linda Ko- 
zlowski, in the original “Crocodile” Dundee. 
And you did a little body baring yourself. 
Between you and Linda, who would you 
say showed more skin? 

HOGAN: The crocodile. [Laughs] The fem- 
inists sort of leaped on the movie and said, 
"They shouldn't have showed that girls 
butt." І said everyone had seen more of my 
skin than hers, It was a totally nonsexist 
film. But they didn't see that 

PLAYBOY: Was it realistic to show Linda ar- 
riying in the outback looking for Dundee 
wearing a Tshirt and no bra? Is that realis- 
tic costuming for an American stranger 
walking intoan Australian rural pub? 


HOGAN: If someone has that good а figure, 
yes. No one wears bras up there at thatage, 
and she’s of the era that went through the 
no-bra thing. In Australia, the ones wear- 
ing bras are probably over 40 or under 20. 
But in that 20-10-40 bracket, they went 
right through the revolution and just don't 
wear them. A lot should, you know. But 
that's it. It wasn't even designed to be titil- 
latin. 
PLAYBOY: On the other hand, you also had 
your difficult moments, Can you describe 
the intricacies of doing your first nude 
bathtub scene? 
HOGAN: [Laughs] Well, that was exploita- 
tion of the male body. That's the kind of 
thing the feminists should have been 
jumpin on. Degradin! But I did keep me 
hat over me vital 
parts, 
PLAYBOY: How does 
your wife handle all 
the interest by the 
ladies and the me- 
dia? 
HOGAN: She shrugs 
it off. We've had a 
rule since I started 
in TV that Га keep 
а private life, and 
Гуе sort of managed 
to do that. No cam- 
eras allowed inside 
my front fence; I 
dont do interviews 
with my wife or my 
kids. And that’s the 
way I ike to keep it. 
You know, if a 
Рееріп Tom asked 
you some of the 
stuff a tabloid re- 
porter gets away 
with, you'd hit him 
in the face. You've 
got a pen in your 
hand, that makes 
you entitled to be a 
Peepin Tom? And 
where do you draw 


the line on how 
much of your pri- 
vate life people 


should know? 
PLAYBOY: Since Aus- 
tralia is the home of tabloid king Rupert 
Murdoch, does the gossip press go after 
you? 

HOGAN: Not much of the snide gutter press 
does. I don't really have a deep, dark past 
people can dig up. Everything Гуе done, 
questionable or not, has been well docu- 
mented. [Pauses] Also, since 1 had my own 
television show, if someone fired a shot at 
me, I could shoot back, Press conferences 
at home were often conducted in terror, 
because they all knew damn well that if 
they asked me a dumb question, Га let the 
whole world know it was a dumb question, 
how dumb they were to ask it, and get a 
laugh, too. They had to think twice. There 
has always been this undercurrent of 


59 


PLAYBOY 


people wanting me to succeed because I 
represented the average workin’ stiff to a 
certain extent. So if a journalist wrote that 
I was no good, he was also saying that ev- 
ery boilermaker and fitter and turner out 
there is no good. 

PLAYBOY: Are you treated as a 
hero? 

HOGAN: I'm not a folk hero ın Amer 
Australia, a country that's so short of folk 
oes— which is another reason | ma 
Crocodile" Dundee—1 probably do fit into. 
that category. But I try not to be too tall a 
poppy that's just askin’ to be cut down. I'm 
an ironbark tree: an ugly, gnarled old tree 
that you cant cut down, that you can't burn 
down. A bush fire goes through and floods 
come, but the ironbark tree still stands. If 
you hit it with an ax, it bounces back and 
Il hit you in the face. If you attack me, 
thats what I do. And I did. I used my tele- 
vision show to criticize everybody 
PLAYBOY: [hat period of your life has be- 
come legendary: how, as a rigger on the 
Sydney Harbor Bridge, you accepted your 
mates’ dare to appear оп а TV talent show 
in 1972 posing as a knife thrower. From 
there, you became the proverbial over 
night star. All these years later, do you sull 
feel like a rigger? 

HOGAN: I guess there's some of that, 
though I wasnt born to be a rigger, either 
But some things dont change. I guess 
thats what gave me an edge when I started 
on television. So many people who are in- 
volved in television—writers. producers. 
directors—never watch it. They spend all 
their ume in board meetings or being in 
the television industry. But until I was 32 
ars old, my only contact with show busi- 
ness was sittin’ home watching Archie 
Bunker or Star Tiek or Bonanza—probably 
60 percent of our television 1 
didn't watch to see how it was directed. I 
watched for entertainment. 

PLAYBOY: And you really think you can still 
speak for the average guy? 

HOGAN: Yeah. Don't forget; І never stood 
in the bar and listened to what people were 
ing. I stood in the bar and talked. Even 
when I was a rigger, I wasn't gatherin’ 
opinions; | was givin’ "em. Thats not 
changed. 

Y' know, I was born sort of average. I've 
still got a lot of natural blue-collar values, 
because | was а rigger. I never had aspira- 
tions of getting into the entertainment in- 
dustry, 1 grew up, had a wife and four kids 
and appeared to be set in that тш-і 
might have become a loreman at most 
someday, or maybe got my own milk run. 
to switch so radi- 


nd of folk 


cally at 2 
PLAYBOY: It has been said that you have a 
y high 1.Q.—about 140. Is that why you 
were reportedly a troublesome kid? 

HOGAN: Thats inaccurate. 1 do have a 
strange I. Q. It was МО in one test and 180 
in another, Reporters who've dug back say 
my schoolmates remember my problems at 
school, my constant arguing with teachers 
true, I did, as a small kid, constant- 


ly question everything. They said 1 was a 
child prodigy, but I wasnt. 

But I did have something that confound- 
ed the LQ. board. There was something 
wrong with the way I thought. One side of 
the bi ad an 1.0. they couldn't quite 
calculate and the other side was normal. 
So at school, I was a bright student at the 
top of the class who would suddenly end 
up 34th, I wasn't cut out to bea student. By 
nature, I was a larrikin kid. | was in trou- 
ble a lot. My favorite subject was sport. So I 
had these confrontations with the teachers. 
PLAYBOY: You were a rebel 
HOGAN: Yeah. I left school at I didn't 
want to be a swat. But they even pursued 
me after I left, saying I should be a lawyer. 
But I had found work as a swimming-pool 
attendant, which was really a good job, un- 
til I moved on to something else. 

PLAYBOY: By now, you must be used to some 
pretty big leaps. Going from being a star in 
Australia to being one in the US. must 
have been jarring. 

HOGAN: Well, I do get a kick out of it. But 
xe jarring than the original change? I 
ts makin’ $100 a week on the bridge, still 
travelin’ to work on the subway, yet causin’ 
a big stir on To go through that—to be 
a rigger who is becoming famous at the 


same time—was a very Rockyesque expe- 
rience, After that, to become famous in 
England, then Germany then the US., was 
comparatively minor. 


PLAYBOY: Mino 
HOGAN: Think about it. Being a TV star in 
one country is no dilferent from being a 
ТУ star in ten countries. To go from movie 
star to rock-and-roll singer to being elect- 
ed president. They're all just tran: 
tions. But none is as weird as goin’ from 
regular, nine-to-five Joe Rigger, married, 
with four kids, to TV star in a matter of 
weeks. Nothing I ever do will be that radi. 
cal again. 

PLAYBOY; What do you think would have 
happened to you if you'd stayed on that 
bridge in Sydney? 

HOGAN: Oh, I might have jumped off. I 
was an angry young man, Round about the 
time I got off the bridge, I was frustrated, 
short of temper, with a cutting, sardonic 
wit. I really wasn't that nice a fellow. It was 
bitterness. I was driftin from job to job 
and getting no feedback or satisfaction. 1 
was doing something that I hated eight 
hours a day just to put bread on the table. 
PLAYBOY: How would you describe your 
int emotional state today? 
Unemotional. Leaning toward 
happiness, 1 guess. I'm boringly sane. 
PLAYBOY: Are you uncomfortable showing 
emotions? 

HOGAN: Yeah, sort of. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

HOGAN: Well, look at Crocodile Dundee. 
Hes not exactly a ball of emotional tur- 
moil. Sometimes—I hope—you can see 
what hes thinking on the screen. But he's 
not inclined to jump up and down or 
scream or burst into tears. No doubt h 


like that because I'm like that. 

PLAYBOY: When have you been overjoyed? 
HOGAN: Good question. I dont remember 
ever being as excited as I've seen other 
people be. But I dont seem as depressed, 
either. Im basically happy. [Smiles] Апу 
day that I'm in good health and the sun 
shines. There's hardly a day since 1973 that 


sidering the heights you've 
scaled since 1973, how can you be sure 
your tastes are sull those of the average 
guy? 

HOGAN: All | know, and I dont dwell on it 
too much, is that if I think something is go- 
ing to be funny, or if I really like or dislike 
something, most people must, too. So I 
must be a natural-born common man. I 
not something I work on. It’s just there. For 
tance, in Australia, whenever Channel 
Nine puts on a new show, they ring up my 
place and say, "How's 2 
them the cost of a survey. If my wife 
and at least three of the kids are watchin’ a 
show, III say, “You got a real winner on 
your hands.” If it's only my youngest son or 
my daughter, I'll say, “Well... 
PLAYBOY: Let's try out your gut reactions to 
a few popular topics, Game? 
HOGAN: OK. 

PLAYBOY: American commercials. 
there any you admire? 
HOGAN: No. I don’t think the standard of 
commercials here is very high. A lot of 
them are well made, but they all sort 
of pitch at the one level. They're all Crazy 
Eddi 
PLAYBOY: What about Ameri 
general? 

HOGAN: TV is an easy way to pick up on 
the culture of a country. From what people 
watch, you can tell what the community is 
like. If you look at clever shows like Barney 
Miller or The Cosby Show or Cheers, and 
you can say, This is the most popular com- 
edy show,” then th: good sign: Most of 
the people in this country must be reason- 
ably intelligent. But sull, Im amazed at 
some of the things Americans laugh at 
PLAYBOY: For example? 

HOGAN: If a show's really awful and cheap 
апа nasty—well, a show like Benny Hill, 
for instance—il it’s the most popular one 
in the country, then you worry about that 
country. [Laughs] There's an awful lot of 
people here who just want to see endless tit 
jokes and nothing else. 

PLAYBOY: Benny Hill's show was often cor 
pared to yours. Did you really object to it 
HOGAN: The comparisons did annoy me. 
But Benny Hill just does harmless-Charley 
sort of smutty nonsense. Runs around 
chasing girls in suspender [garter] belt 
There was a big cry from the feminist 
movement, 1 think, when his show ca 
America from England, about how di 
grading it was to women. I just saw 
the other night, and it was immediately fol- 
lowed by women's wrestling. There were 
these really butch birds, in sort of com- 
ndo gear, beating up on harem dancers 
and зіп bikinis. And when they were 


Are 


TV in 


pinned to the mat, they'd open their legs 
and writhe. And I thought, This is a pro- 
gram that educates the morons in this 
country to think that if you brutalize a 
woman, if you beat her up, shell drop to 
the ground with her legs parted and sort 
of writhe seductively. Yet the same silly 
minds who sat there and condemned 
harmless, poor, silly Benny Hill for insult- 
ing women probably support women's 
wrestling because men have wrestling, so 
that’s equality. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think ТУ plays too domi- 
nant a role in America? 

HOGAN: I think America is very image 
conscious, You almost feel as if people on 
the street think of themselves as being on 
camera. Even in the way they cross the 
road. When you get 
on a bus, the driver 
gives a perform- 
ance. 

I did a TV thing 
once where I went 
into the street with a 
camera. In Aus- 
tralia, half the peo- 
ple would say “No 
and rush 


comment 


away from the cam- 
era. But here іп 
the US, every- 


body—from a wino 
to a grandmother— 


has an opinio 
Quite often, they 
dont make sense, 


but they love look- 
ing at the 
and talking as if 
they were on Johnny 
Carson's show. 1 wish 
some of the people 
at home had some of 
the American confi- 
dence апа exuber- 
ance but not so 
much. 
Sometimes, I 
think we should 
drag the whole Aus- 
tralian population 
around the world— 
to America and to 
England, in particu 
lar—and learn from both, then go back 
and get it right. England, on the negative 
side, is such a class society. It frowns upon 
success. There, you should either be born 
rich or be born poor—but keep your place 
If you're born to riches and waste half of it 
during your life, you've done well. In 
America, if you start with nothing and you 
become a huge success, well, then youre 
admired. But sometimes you're admired 
when all you've really done is rob a lot of 
people. 
PLAYBOY: What can Americans learn from 
Australians? 
HOGAN: You can learn to relax. There's no 
atmosphere of tension in Australia. Maybe 
it’s because there are only 16,000,000 of us 


camera 


©1988 Faberge USA, Inc. 


on a continent the same size as your coun- 
try. But there's more reality to Australians. 
There are a lot of Americans who, if you 
go to their home, you feel are performing 
a little bit for you. They say all the right 
things and the nice things. 1/5 better Шап 
being abused, 1 guess. But you dorit fecl 
when you've left the house that you know 
them. If they've said, “Have а nice day, 
well, they don't really give a shit what kind 
of day youre gonna have—especially at 
McDonald's. In Australia, if someone said, 
“Jesus, I wouldn't wear that shirt if 1 was 
you—its a terrible color" you wouldn't 
take offense. There's a day-to-day straight- 
forwardness in Australia that’s missing in 
the US. 

PLAYEOY: Yet the two peoples are said to be 


Whats the 
perfect Scotch quom 


for your 


mornirig toast? 


See Page 73 


a lot alike. 
HOGAN: Of course, we're both the new 
countries. You're 350 years old, we're 900. 
Both were basically started from the rub- 
bish of Europe. It was all the vagabonds 
and the rebels and criminals. Only ours 
were the ones who got caught. You Ameri- 
cans are the ones who escaped. 

PLAYBOY: Let's run a few more quick com- 
parisons. Does Australia have a problem 
with drugs as America does? 

HOGAN: Oh, we do have now, But we've al- 
ways been quite a few years behind. When 
I was a kid, nobody smoked dope. And 
even up to ten years ago, you didnt find 
heroin and cocaine in Sydney. 

PLAYBOY: But now it’s spreading? 


HOGAN: Yeah. I’m told the smack is creep- 
ing into Sydney, though I've never met any- 
one who had anything to do with it. Still, 
drugs haven't gotten to be a dirty word 
there—not yet, 1 mean. So when people 
talk about Australia being like America in 
the Fifties, they mean without all those 
problems. You know, Richie Cunningham’s 
Happy Days. Although, y' know, we had 
our Fifties in our Fifties 
PLAYBOY: What were your Sixties like? 
HOGAN: The same as they were here. 
Peace, love and brown rice. And Bob Dyl- 
an, God bless you and all that 
PLAYBOY: How do Australians look back on 
the Vietnam war? Our countries fought 
side by side. 
HOGAN: Yeah, we never miss a war—which 
is very strange for a 
country always talk- 
ing about peace and 
nuclear disarma- 
ment. We're the only 
country in the world 
that hasn't missed a 
war since the 
Crimean. We were 
in World War One to 
battle the dreaded 
Hun. We didni 
know who they were 
where the Hun 


from, only 
ing to conquer Aus- 
tralia We weren't 
even on their шар, 
and they probably 
wondered who the 
guys with the funny 
hats were. But be- 
cause we're so far 
away from the rest 
of you, i| was a 
chance for our boys 
stuck on farms to 
travel and see the 
world. We were also 
very good at war, be- 
cause we lived on 
horseback and hunt- 
ed for our food. 
When we got to Eu- 
Tope, we got a 
shilling a day and 
three meals, and all we had to do was shoot 
people. It was a picnic. 

Same with Vietnam. Your poor kids 
were coming from New York and Los Ап- 
geles and being dropped into the jungle on 
the other side of the world a place Aus- 
tralians used to go for holidays. Conse- 
quently, our kill rate was seven times better 
than anyone's except the Viet Cong 
PLAYBOY: Did you go to Vietnam? 

HOGAN: I tried to. I was too old and mar- 
ried, with three kids. So I was in the sup- 
plementary reserve. But 1 wanted to go, 
because Га never been outside the country. 
I got to go to New Guinea. I was a demoli- 
tion expert. I was of more use training the 


71 


PLAYBOY 


younger guys who did go to Vietnam. 
I do not regret 1 didn't go. but at that 
age, 26 or 27, I thought it would have been 
great. Y' know, we could never understand 
why America turned on the kids when 
they came home. We'd see the crucifying 
of those guys on television—the spitting on 
"em— well, we didn't do that at home at 
first. But we gradually started to copy 
because we saw enough of it on television. 
PLAYBOY: People have also compared Aus- 
tralia’s problems with its aborigines to 
America’s race problems. Do you think 
your treatment of aborigines is racist? 
HOGAN: It's not a racism problem. The on- 
ly reason this seems like a black/wl Issue 
is because the aborigines happen to be 
black. I's more like your problem with In- 
dians. You took their land off 'em and they 
want it back. The aborigines are our Indi- 
ans. We took the land and they have these 
constant protests for land rights. Now 
they've got back 12 percent of the coun- 
try—which is not too bad, because they're 
only one percent of the population. 
PLAYBOY: Are they pleased with that? 
HOGAN: What they want is to be acknowl- 
edged as the original owners of the land 
and probably for all of us conviets-born to 
pay them rent forever. I dont think we 
should pay rent forever, just as | dont 
think everyone in America should move 
out and give it back to the Indians. 
PLAYBOY: As Australia's Mr. Everym: 
used to talk often h Austral 
minister Robert Hawke. Wha 
conversations about? 
HOGAN: We dont talk that much now. 
Once, I think he might have perceived me 
asa threat. We talked about the state of the 
nation—the kind of stuff serious politi 
cians always talk about. Mainly, he wanted 
to hear my opinions, because he knew he'd 
hear em eventually on television, anyway: 
PLAYBOY: What about the rumors of your 
own political ambitions? 
HOGAN: I dont deny them. Гус always 
leaned toward benevolent dictatorship, 
Гус often alluded to it. Been offered sup- 
port. But I'm not too interested in being 
part of the party machine. 
PLAYBOY: We hear about Australian 
demonstrations against nuclear weapons. 
Do you believe in the possibility of disar- 
mamentz 
HOGAN; No, but itll gradually scale down. 
Americans are more caught up with nukes 
than we are, because we don't have ‘em. 
See, somewhere along the line, you've got 
10 realize that Russians are people, 100. 
Somewhere over there is a wife cooking 
the beans, a kid doing his homework, a guy 
mowing the lawn. He doesn't want to dis- 
appear in a puff of smoke, just as Ameri- 
cans don't. Unless you're stupid, you cant 
think of Russia as your traditional enemy; 
of everyone there wearing gray suits and 
red berets and marching like storm troop- 
ers. Theres grandmas and little kids and 
babies and rock and roll. 


п, you 
п prime 
were your 


PLAYBOY: One thing American men are es 
periencing lately is a certain amount of 
bashing by women. Is that also going on 
down unde: 
HOGAN: Yeah, oddly enough. For a coun- 
try thats traditionally male-chauvinist— 
always has been, still is to a certain ex- 
tent—Australia was also one of the first 
countries in which women got the vote. 
The women's liberation movement v 15 
ly started there when Germaine Greer 
wrote The Female Eunuch. Even the wom- 
ens original marching song, / Am Woman, 
was by an Australi Helen Reddy. Also, 
the first women tradesmen were іп Aus- 
tralia, though mainly because all the 
young men got killed of in World War 
One. 

But Australia is still a male-chauvinist 
bastion. And most of the women sort of 
ike it that way. [Laughs] They run the 
country the old-fashioned way. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think American men 
have something to learn from their Aussie 
counterparts? 

HOGAN: Yeah, Dont fall for the sympa- 
thetic-wimp syndrome. Do the natural 
thing. Its probably something you cant 
tell anybody You cant say, 
man,” if he doesn't know. I. just roll along, 
even if they think I'm a chauvinist. That 
may be one reason a lot of women are see- 
ing "Crocodile" Dundee. If youre a woman. 
at least you know who Mick Dundee 
know he isn't going to come dancing out of 
the closet at night with your underwear on. 
But he will respect and protect a woman, 
It's his role. And therefore, to a certain е: 
tent, a woman will be capable of twisting 
him around her little finger. A lot of wom: 
en sort of like the idea now of never lifting 
anything heavy in their lives and having 
men open doors for them—having a man 
for a slave. 

PLAYBOY: So that's your answer to the ques- 
tion What do women really want? 

НОСАМ: A lot of the liberation thing 
backfired because women dont really want 
equality; they want superiority. And in а 
way, they had it. They did. This is a corny 
example, but it’s а classic. A woman pulls 
over with a flat tire and goes, “Oh, dear!" 
And some poor man pulls up and says, 
“What's up, love? Here, III fix that for 
you.” And he gets out and he barks the 
in off his knuckles and gets dirty and 
weaty and she says, “I couldn't have done 
it without you,” and off she drives. Shes 
happy and he’s happy. 

PLAYBOY: Is AIDS having as great an im- 
pact in Australia as in the U.S. 
HOGAN: We're not as obsessed with it as 
you are, because we don't have as much of 
it, I guess. It’s still thought of as sort of a 
homo’ disease in Australia. But I guess, as 
it spreads, the fear del ly affect 
people. Anyway, parties aren't the same as 
they used to be. There's a vibe. [Grimaces] 
PLAYBOY: Whats your take оп American 
beer? 


HOGAN: Well, it's not legendary around the 
world. | saw a beer someone said was 
judged the best beer in America. Well, 
that's sort of like being judged the best 
steak in Ethiopia. Of course, it depends on 
what you're used to. Australians think they 
make the best beer; Germans think they 
do. English and American beers tend to be 
di ed by international beer drinkers. 
PLAYBOY: How much beer can you drink in 
one sitting? 
HOGAN: Not I'm an average 
drinker, It's because I do beer commercials 
that people tend to think I'm a booze 
artist. Im not a beer swiller at all. I just 
like a beer occasionally. 
PLAYBOY: Although, on occasion, you've 
gone beyond that. Were thinking of a time 
we heard about in London. 
HOGAN: Its interesting, that. When I was 
in London a while back, we'd been filming 
all day—1 think it was a Foster's commer- 
cial—and there was a party for the crew 
that night. Got full of ink and went to bed. 
Woke up a few hours later numb down my 
left side and my fingers tingling. I thought: 
stroke. I thought I was dying. I remember 
lyin’ there in me hotel bed thinking, You 
't complain, Hoges, you've had а good 
I thought, Well, the wife and. 
covered; the trust account'll take care of 
them. Travelers checks. | remembered Pd 
put them under the cupboard or some- 
where and they mightot find them when 
they found the body. There are a lot of 
things you've gotta think about when 
you're dyin. I got up to get the checks and I 
was standin’ up OK. Then I looked in the 
mirror and saw this dirty big red line right 
down my face and body What had hap- 
pened was Pd collapsed into bed with me 
head and arm hangin’ over the dressing 
table, cutting off my circulation. | was 
right again in a few minutes. I was bloody 
glad 1 didn’t go and wake everyone up. 
PLAYBOY: Despite all the easy performing 
you do, there are those who say you're rcal- 
ly a shy, awkward fellow who doesn't let 
down his guard, Now that we're about 
done, do you agree with that assessment? 
HOGAN: Well, I don't think I'm awkward. 
The only awkward thing 1 did was swing 
into a wall instead of a window yesterday, 
and that's because I was sliding down a ny- 
lon rope. And shy? No, Im not really shy. 
Г talk under water with a mouth full of 
marbles, as this tape will show you. [ talk, 
all right. But that's it. You're doin’ your job; 
I'm dı ne. If | run into you at dinner 
tonight, E won't be tellin! you about my last 
project or how good I was and how I got a 
standing ovation when I did Othello or 
something like that. [Pauses] Nah. Well 
probably just have a couple of beers. 


much, 


==, 


Introducing‏ چ 
COtC ;‏ 
before breakfast t‏ 


| 
) 


в. D McGregor. After Shave and Cologne — i 
Made in USA. Splash on a dash of the Highland == 


74 


somewhere over the rainbow 


coalition, true power lies, and reverend jackson 


has his eyes on the prize 


WHAT 
MAKES 
JESSE 
RUN? 


article By AMIRI BARAKA 


Y ATLANIA is the capital 
of the African American Nation in the black-bel South, 
then Chicago is the capital of black America. Hot is al- 
ways preferred to cold in the African aesthetic. Yet 
Chicago is so famous for its bone-shatering, paralyzing 
cold that it is cited as the site of the African god Oba, 
whose history wansformed him into an icy, death-cold 
wind, the hawk. And from most accounts, Chicago is his 
present home. 

1 mention all this to explain, in part, who Jesse Jackson 
is and why he isso important. He is, as much as Frederick 
Douglass was in the 19th Century, the chief spokesman of 
the African American people. In this sense, whatever 
Americans make of Jesse, black people are his bone and 
muscle. He can rise only as high as they are moved. 

The only America black people would have any reason 
to support absolutely would be one in which Jesse Jackson 
could be elected President. It is clearly his "inelectability" 
that most obviously identifies the principal defects in US. 
society. The extent to which Jackson, at best, must be 
shown as some kind of Onyx Quixote is the extent of US. 
ure of the legacy of 
son get to a place in 


social primitivism, the exact me: 
chattel slavery, But how did Jesse Jac 
his head where he seriously wanted to be President? 
Jackson is rooted in the black-belt South. Born in 
South Carolina, he went to North Carolina ART on а 
football scholarship. He was moved by the dynamic Dr 
Martin Luther King, Jr, and the movement for black 
democratic rights led by the Southern Christian Leader- 
ship Conference in the Fifties and Sixties. A combination 
of the black urban Southern church and the Southern 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID WILCOX 


PLAYBOY 


city preacher informed an activ: 
expanded and symbolized the ci 
movement. 

In that sense, Jackson's campaign is a 
further, mature extension of the 5 
upsurge; it is the extent to which Jack- 
sons fundamental support can be ex- 
panded and transformed into focused, 
popular political and social power that. 
will define its ultimate use to the majority. 

. 

Tam in the Bay Area to speak at Berke- 
ley and Stanford and have heard that 
Jesse will be in town tonight to address 
the black Ford-Lincoln-Mercury dealers 
at San Francisco's Sheraton Palace Hotel. 

Ihe dealers sit in rows and are shining 

clean, polished like brand-new money. 
Their women dazzle with them. Later 
tonight, there will be a black-tie dinner 
dance in the ballroom, where Jesse will 
give a formal address. 
“Dukakis got $13,000,000! Jesse got 
$1,000,000! What do that look like?” ex- 
horts Bill Shack, a brawny-looking man 
charged with getting the dealers to fund 
Jackson's campaign. “Our candidate too 
poor to reach the people? There are 185 
black Ford-Lincoln-Mercury dealers. 
Jesse Jackson made all of them. It wa 
Jesse carried our statement to Detroit. 
they promised 320 
dealers by 1990. There's 185 now!” 

‘The audience applauds. 

“Don't let Jesse be embarrassed in this 
room. Jesse is not begging—he's fund 
raising! Who helped found the National 
Minority Auto Dealer 

Jesse strides into the hall, surrounded 
by his entourage—staff and Secret Sery- 
ice—amid jubilant applause, Shack says, 
“The next President of the United States, 
Jesse Louis Jackson!” 

He seems taller, stronger, more gen- 
uinely self-assured. Earlier, І had walked 
up to him as he headed for the hall. We 
laughed and embraced like old comrades 
in struggle. 

"I been expecting you,” he said. Turn- 
ing to one of his key allies, a black South 
African aide and another brother, he 
said, “This is Baraka. The real Baraka. 
Where you been?’ 

“I was supposed to go to lowa and New 
Hampshire before, but I thought them 
white folks would kill me.” 

“This niggah's crazy!” he laughed. We 
walked and talked until we reached the 
doors of the small ballroom. “Get pre- 
pared for a victory!” he said. 

He is on the stage now, wrapped in the 
response—the roar his call inspires! “I'm 
glad to see y'all. Man, I aint seen this 
many black folks in a long. pi 

“Do I have an ego?" he asks in his 
speech. “ОГ course. Would you want a 
ıt with an inferiority complex?" 
Talking about the dealerships: “It 
didn't just happen. It was pressured. It 
was organized. Just to go for Govern- 


ment grants and stuff is OK—it has its 
place. But the real money is private! And 
we're locked out of that. 

“Doesn't matter how great an apple 
picker you are—ain't no apples fall, it 
dont matter!” Laughter, applause. Jesse, 
speaking to black people, delivers punch 
line after punch line, each with a profun- 
dity that rings clear through his own 
community—but, as Iowa polls would 
show by the end of that weekend, not just 
for black folk. There is a universal note 
being sounded in the accents and іп- 
formed rhythms of a specific people, but 
the truths are so big as to be accessible to 
а great many people. And finally this is 
Jackson's danger. 

"Never did think the issue was never 
was—could we sell cars. Issue was, would 
Dearborn respect us? You knew you 
could run a dealership.” The grunts of 
approval run through the crowd. Jackson 
is politician, preacher, leader. He takes it 
further: “I believe you could run Ford! 1 
believe 1 could run America!” Bang! 
Like that, everybody in the place rises. It 
must be a religious experience. 

Jesse steps back to let the spirit roll over 
him—then he gets back on it. “If Reagan 
and Bush had my odds. .. . 

“Whew.” The crowd amens. 

“I've done the most with the least for 

the longest period of time!” There is a 
swirl of truth-cooked ecstasy pushing us. 
“Tm bicultural—worked on one side of 
town, lived on the other! I know America 
better. 1 negotiated more business 
deals—from even the lily white. And I 
did so with integrity—no funny-money 
1 don't expect it. Just great joy 
gus grow!” 
Yes, it is the political church. It is also 
call and response from the oldest human 
correspondence with the greater spirit 
we all compose. 

“Twenty-four years ago, Fannie Lou 
Hamer couldn't even get a chair at the 
Atlantic City Democratic Convention. 
Nineteen sixty-four, bemg locked out of 
the convention, with Dr. King trying to 
get her a seat! 

“But you know, if you want to break out 
of the plantation, the opposition accuses 
you of being crazy. And the folks who 
want to stay accuse you of being abnor- 
mal, too! 

“At the base, it is about economic justice. 
Fifty-seven corporations made four bil- 
lion dollars and paid us four billion 
in taxes, G.E. made 66 billion and paid 
no taxes! 

“We'll confront Nissan and Toyota. In a 
real sense, this is you. I'm your horse— 
you my wagon—together, we қоппа get 
Super Tuesday... with a force that can 
win this country! We never had the pow- 
er to shake the uce. .. but now we must 
be tree shakers. But don't let me shake 
the tree, then you tell me you got the ар- 
ples "cause you got a master’s in business 


administration.” Like a parti 
he teaches and warns as he begins to talk 
about the black national family, how glad 
he is to see everybody. The kinship and 
arity. We are family 
“But remember Richard Gephardes 
rise in the polls; its because he wa 
spending more money You see, you've 
got to afford to run. I can run... uphill, 
on ice, and I'm barefooted.” 

The high has been reached, but even 
then, in his spontaneous yet practiced 
way, he is leading the talk into fund 
raising, and by the time 1 go out, the 
dealers are signing $1000 checks. 

. 

It is later that night at Butler A 
where 1 am supposed to pick up the Jack- 
son party again. Private planes аге in re- 
pose in all directions, lonely in the cold 
blue light. 

Jesse has been public ever since Ive 
known him. Always moving through a 
world of near worship as diverse as the 
disapproval, its necessary dialectic. 

But now he іс Presidential, There is an 
excitement to it for real. It would not oc- 
cur to me until a week later with heay 
impact. For real, І had never talked with 
icone who could be the President! 

. 

Entering the plane, I сап see Jesse 
stretched out in the first group of seats. А 
University of lowa sweat shirt. His feet 
covered with a coat, bumping up and 
down to the sound being pumped 
through the headset of the cassette play- 
er. He is listening to Peabo Bryson and 
rocking back and forth, his head con- 
ducting and conducted by the fun! 

A black candidate for sure! I had never 
even thought of an American President 
listening to music. Reagan wanted to ban 
the Beach Boys. 

The candidate has been brought Chi- 
nese food, which he is attacking, still 
rocking to the music. One earphone 
pulled away from his ear in deference to 
his visitor. 

There are Secret Service men seated, a 
couple still standing. Jesse's staff moves 
quickly, making things ready. We are in 
the air now, three hours from Des 
Moines. 

1 ask my first question again. How had 
he changed? 

“Age, expel 
i he says, modif 
movements, enjoying the food immense- 
ly, a hard yellow brightness in the plane 
peering through blue, cold early-morn- 
ing glass. “You see your name with the 
Pope, Ted Kennedy, Billy Graham, 
ger and me. Kissinger didn't stay 


ce, other peoples reac- 
s Peabo 


ic American male on a list like 
that—he might run for governor or Pres- 
ident. A white fellow 1 know—he's not 
суспа racist, just a guy—told me I couldn't 
(continued on page 152) 


“I love Caliſornia its almost impossible 


to violate local community standards,” 


77 


E 


FORT 


h, summertime. There's something 
about the very sound of the word that 


conjures up images of sand. And sun. 


And swimsuits 


In fact, so sultry is the season that 


most people begin fantasizing about it long before 
spring has even sprung, Well, this is no midwinter 
daydream—ir’s the real thing, 
presented to you at the height of 
the heat wave. We found one 
model, one setting and a few de- 
lightfully disappearing bathing 
suits to come up with a pictorial 
just as blistering as the July 
weather itself. Naturally, the 
project would not have been pos- 
sible without the very best talent 
around—both those who work 


behind and those who work 


front of the camera—to brazen- 


ШІ! o 


ly challenge the sun to a torrid contest of heat gener- 
ation. Indeed, the duo we finally enlisted is some- 
thing special: famed fashion/fine-arts photographer 
Herb Ritts and the staggeringly beautiful super- 
model Cindy Crawford. It was perfect. Ritts pho- 
tographed such steamy celebrities as Madonna, Kim 
Basinger and Tina Turner and 
won fans among Playboy readers 
with his electrifying pictorial of 
actress Brigitte Nielsen (Gitte the 
Great, December 1987); and 
Cindy was no stranger to scorch- 
ing display: She was among the 
lovely ladies languishing along 


the Thi 


nd beaches in the 
1988 Sports Illustrated swimsuit 
issue. Even before Rittss first 
roll of film was loaded, the tem- 


perature had begun to rise. 


THE SUITS (IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE) ARE BY GIORGIO DI SANT'ANGELO, LIZA BRUCE, AGNES B., BODY MAP, MINIKINI ANO GIANFRANCO FERRE 
George Newell make-up; Sally Hershberger, hair: Sharon Simonaire, stylist/Visages Style, LA. Printing and toning by Ty E. Allison 


78 


Ithough Cindy's corporeal debut іп 5.1.5 1988 swimsuit issue (on page 99, to be exact) 

might have caused cardiac arrest among unsuspecting males, it was her face that made 

her famous. In the first three months of this year, she graced the cover of just about 

every top women's magazine, including Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, Cosmopolitan and 

Mademoiselle—and probably some others she has forgotten (“If I don't like the 

way the shots turn out,” she says, “I don't bother to buy the magazine”). But Cindy, 
of course, is no stranger to caprice in the modeling industry, having pursued her ambition since her 
earliest high school days іп De Kalb, Illinois. “I was always juggling my schoolwork and my career,” 
she says. “And it wasn't easy. Then, after one year of college at Northwestern, I realized that I 
couldn't keep dividing my energies. I 
knew I had to make a choice and, well, 
modeling won out.” The decision 
made, she packed up her make-up kit 
and moved to New York, signing up 
with the prestigious Elite agency, In- 
deed, it was when fellow Elite knock- 
out Paulina Porizkova appeared on the 
pages and the cover of the August 
1987 Playboy that Cindy herself be- 
came an overnight fan of the “Enter- 
tainment for Men” magazine. “I was 
suddenly buying Playboy to see Pau- 
lina,” she says, laughing, “but I never 
imagined that Га actually do a layout 
in it one day. But then I saw what Herb 
Ritts did with Brigitte Nielsen in the 
December issue. And I thought, Wow, 
if he can make her look that good, Га 


love to see what he could do with me. 


"That's when I decided to go for it.” 


һе shoot, it was decided, would take place along the sands of Kona and Kanapala, 

Hawaii—a backdrop, we thought, perfectly suited to Cindy's volcanic sensuousness. 

“But with the exception of nailing down that particular locale,” says Playboy Photog- 

raphy Director Gary Cole, “we made no other rules: Herb and Cindy would be оп 

their own." Few artists can command such confidence: Ritts is one, this generations 

master at capturing the moody sexy essence of Hollywood’ stars. “You never want to 

direct a photographer like Herb Ritts,” says Cole. “He has his own special vision of erotica and woman- 
hood—his own idea of what he’s going after—and we didn't want to interfere with that. In fact,” he adds, 
“we didnt even tell Herb whether we wanted him to use color or black-and-white film. We just said 
bon voyage and sent him on his way.” 
Although the sessions lasted only 
three days, both the photographer and 
the model recall that they required 
equal measures of stamina and stimu- 
lation. The decision to shoot in black 
and white seemed as natural as Cindy 
herself; the results, long before they 
reached our Chicago office, promised 
to be memorable. “Even before 1 saw 
one Polaroid from the shoot,” says 
Cindy, “I knew it would turn out to be 
special. We put a ton of energy into 
this thing—going at it all day—yet 
it wasn't torture, Бу any stretch of the 
imagination. After all,” she says, smil- 
ing, “its not unenjoyable trying to 
make beautiful pictures. And Herb 
knows how to do that.” Yes, he does. 
Thank you, Herb. And thank you, 


Cindy. Heres to a hot summer. 


85 


ішыь rn аши 


6% Bury Ме Not... 


should he take 
the shots that will make 
him feel younger? 
our writer is sheepish 


article by 
DAN GREENBURG 


DURING A MID-LIFE CRISIS ] went through a year or so ago, it struck me 
that my erstwhile boyish body had begun to show a few signs of 
age and that, contrary to previously held notions, I might possibly 
not live forever. 

Oh, the body was still quite lean, but the hair had gotten a good 
deal grayer and the skin below the eyes and chin somewhat looser. 
Also, I'd married Suzanne, who is many years my junior, and we'd 
created a small son. Sliding gracefully into my golden years was 
something in which | had not the faintest interest. 

I went to a cardiologist and, on his advice, increased my thrice- 
weekly aerobic workouts from 20 to 30 minutes. I advised my 
trainer at Sports Training Institute to show me no mercy on the 
Nautilus machines. I went to my nutritionist and upped my intake 
of megavitamins. I stopped ordering cholesterol in restaurants. I 
began to do research on techniques to halt the aging process. 

1 began to hear a lot about a place in Switzerland called Clinique 
La Prairie, which has been around for 57 years. Its specialty is giv- 
ing people injections of live cells from sheep embryos, a process 


that is alleged to revitalize the system. Charlie Chaplin, a satisfied 


а Clinique La Prairie 


customer of Clinique La Prairie, was reportedly 74 when he im- 
pregnated Oona O'Neill. 

1 decided to go to Switzerland to check the place out. I wasn't 
sure I wanted to be injected with sheep cells, but I figured I could 
decide that when I got there. 

. 

There are several theories about why we age. It has always been 
presumed that our bodies’ cells have a finite ability to reproduce 
and live. The trick is to get aging cells to continue reproducing. 
Fresh-cell therapy claims to do just that. It was created by Dr. Paul 
Niehans, an internationally known Swiss surgeon who specialized 
in the transplantation of glands. In 1981, a doctor in Bern sent for 
Dr. Niehans to transplanta parathyroid gland in a last-ditch effort 
to save a patient dying from postoperative tetanus. 

Niehans believed that the patient was too weak to tolerate the 
transplant of an animal parathyroid. In a burst of inspiration, he 
pulverized the gland, dissolved it in a saline solution and injected it 
into the dying patient. According to prevailing medical wisdom, 


the patient couldn't live longer than ten (continued on page 118) 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY MICHEL GUIRE VAKA 


PARES MANHATTAN 


and hes hot hot hot Fashion By Hollis Wayne 


The Buster Poindexter look—a 
short linen jacket, $460, worn 
with matching pants, $220, and a 
knit T-shirt, $90, all by Ronaldus 
Shamask; trompe l'oeil vest, by 
Fornasetti for Paul Smith, $680; 
saddle shoes, by Allen-Edmonds, 

0; and cotton-blend polke- 
dot socks, by Paul Smith, 519. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DOUGLAS KEEVE 


Hars black 
and white and everywhere? 
Its RCA recording star 
Buster Poindexter in hot 
black-and-white stepping-out 
clothes. And who better 
suited to prowl and preen at 
night than Buster, who as 
David Johansen founded 
that Seventies glam-rock-club 
clan, the New York Dolls? 
Poindexter today is sort of an 
Eighties Ricky Ricardo with- 
‘out the babaloo; his latest stint 
will be as а long-haired de- 
monic-cabdriver Ghost of 
Christmas Past in the forth- 
coming Bill Murray film 
Scrooged. For these pages, we 
took away Poindexter’s signa- 
ture tuxedo and gave him an 
upscale look to impress the 


downtown types. Check it out. 


Left: 
sperts coat, $620, and linen 
trousers, $245, both by Roser 
Mercé; silk shirt, by Sans 
Tambours Ni Trompettes, 5165; 
striped lesther Oxfords, by Su- 
san Bennis Werren Edwards, 
$425; and wool/nylon socks, 

anni, $13. Right: Wool 
by Bill 
Kaisermen, about $675; washed- 
silk shirt, by Thompson Gary, 
about $150; and gebe pants 
with triple-pleeted front, from 
Dimitri Mode by Ratner, $125. 


Above: Silk jecket, $1500, cotton 
knit pants, $470, and e piqué 
shirt, $250, all by Angelo Tarlazzi; 
silk tie, by Bill Kaiserman, $60; 
ceifskin shoes, by Susan Bennis 
Werren Edwerds, $405; socks, 
from Fabrianni, $13. Right: Wool- 
blend jacket, $760, and matching 
pents, $340, both by Comme des 
Garcons HOMME PLUS by Rei 
Kewekubo; T-shirt, by Sens Tam- 
bours Ni Trompettes, $50; f- 
skin loafers, by Susan Bennis 
Warren Edwerds, $450; socks, 
by Leura Pearson, about $20. 


heeerrre’s jay! th 


ing man in comedy 


personality By Bill Zehme 


OU ASK ME of Leno. I will tell you every- 

thing. He is, as you may suspect, a sim- 

ple man, a good man, a decent man, a 

man unafraid to work with his hands. 

Yet he chose to live by his wits, which he 

keeps about him even in the most perilous cir- 

cumstances. Leno and 1 once took a flight to the 

corn belt together, elbow to elbow on one of 

those flatulent little twin-prop jobs. It was in 

the middle of a particularly turbulent air 

pocket that he turned to me and calmly de- 

buted the Small Airline Disaster joke: “This,” 

he observed, “is the kind of plane that if it 

crashed, you'd only hear about it on cable.” I 

guffawed and he was satisfied. “I think I'll try 

that in the act tonight,” he said, and did, and 
has done so ever since. 

Its true: I knew Leno years ago, knew him 

when his mighty jaw, that prognathous stalac- 


tite, was only beginning to cast its imposing 


shadow over the American comedy landscape. 
Since that time, Leno has done miraculous 
things. He has scaled astounding heights. He 
has made important contacts. He has improved 
his frequent-flier mileage. He has, in short, 


gone where по Leno had dared to go before. 
LENO DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE 


A booking quirk! An amazing feat! On the 
same night Leno is to host The Tonight Show, he 
must Ну afterward to Las Vegas and perform 
twice on the stage of Caesars Palace, then im- 
mediately return to Los Angeles in order to 
host The Tonight Show again the following 
night. A most formidable show-business accom- 
plishment, this. A comedian's Holy Grail. Leno, 
though, being Leno, is, um, embarrassed by the 
prospect. "It's so stupid,” he whinnies, as he is 
wont to do, in his bemused Lenoesque fashion. 


“I feel like Sammy (continued on page 147) 


ILLUSTRATIONBY BLAIR DRAWSON 


à 


LIFE IS А 
THREE-RING CIRCUS 
FOR 


THE 


AS ALITTLE GIRL in Chicago, she fell for a 
bozo—the original Bozo, who camped it 
up on local TV as star of the now-leg- 
endary Bozo’s Circus. "I went on the show 
and won a stuffed toy, got my picture tak- 
en with Bozo and becarne the talk of the 
sixth grade." Terri Lynn Doss, now 22, 
smiles, fixing blue-gray eyes on the mem- 
огу “But that wasn't my first perform- 
ance.” In fact, she was a stage veteran. 
Dressing up as Cher, vamping for her 
friends while her mom sold tickets for a 
nickel, she had already become a star 
of the neighborhood talent-show circuit. 
“I was quiet in school," she says, "but 
at home, 1 loved singing and dancing.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


14 


‘Terri grew up іп drag—National Hot Rod Association drag racing, a circus of a sport in 
which spindly cars hurdle down dusty suraightaways at jaw-dropping speeds. Her father 
ran the local raceway and doubled as track announcer. Her mother sold tickets. Terriand 
her brother ran the souvenir booth. “Every Sunday morning, we would get up at six and 
go to the track,” she recalls. “Sometimes, І got to hand out the trophies after races. 
But what I remember most is coming home and shaking off all the dust that 
. hero Don “The Snake” Prudhomme 
was a family friend. These days, Terri docsmt require a Snake-style parachute to 


1 had got on my hair and my clothes.” М.Н. 


slow down her Toyota MR2 on the Ventura Freeway but admits, “I love to 
drive fast.” Except for that minor vice, she lives a sensible existence, working hard 


and steering clear of the fast lane. “I don't do the party scene. I'm а homebody.” 


“| never dreamed that 
one day | would be 

in Playboy. | never 
thought I was pretty. 
€ven at 17 or 18, | hod 
a fat baby face. Га 
look at the magazine, 
and those girls looked 
like goddesses.” 


‘Terri rolled into Hollywood two years ago, 4е- 
termined to try her hand at acting, Called to 
do a scene at director Richard Donner's home, 


she bumped into a shirtless hunk sunning him- 
self on the lawn. “I said, ‘Are you Mel Gibson?” 
He smiled. Нев a wonderful man,” Terri says 
dreamily. “I hope I can work with him again—and 
soon!” Most of Terris role in Lethal Weapon 
was cut, but she appears in Die Hard—as 
the beauty Bruce Willis bumps into at LAX. 


“| have a lingerie 
collection. | like to 
wear lace, garters and 
a nice silk nightie. | 
was going to go toa 
party in that outfit 
once, but | chickened 
out. | saved it for a 
more private time.” 


108 


When the subject is men, Terri steers clear of 
current fashion. “I'm not into suits and ties, 
and I’m not really into workout guys with 
washboard stomachs,” she says. "I'd rather 
be with a guy who has a beer belly. I think 
there's something a little egotistical about 
trying to look good all the time. I used to 


date a guy who was a mecha- He wore a 


scruffy beard, blue jeans and a Tshirt, nev- 
er worked out—and never knew how good- 
looking he was. That was what turned me 
on about him. He never thought about it.” 


“J want to act, and Im going to work hard 
on my acting, but I want to put down roots, 
100.” says Miss July. “I would like to be mar- 
ried before I’m 25 and have a baby before 
I'm 30.” She grins at the prospect of juggling 
marriage, motherhood and a film career. 
“People say you can't be happily married in 
Hollywood,” she says. “We'll see!” Terri Doss 
has too much going today to worry much 
about 1990 or 1995. “I'll be whatever—1 
really have no idea what I'm going to be, but 
1 know one thing: I'm going to enjoy it.” 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


AWARD 
HULEUCAME SPRINOSTEAS 
Fae 0 ; 


FAVORITE TV SHOWS: 
71) 4 


eam FEE 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Jimmy Carter, led Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph 
Biden and Michael Dukakis were оп a cruise 
down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock 
and began to sink. 
“Gentlemen,” Carter said, “as good Christians, 
should let the women and children board the 
lifeboats firs 
uck the women!" Kennedy shouted 
“Do we have time?” Hart asked, 
“Do we have time?” Biden asked. 
“Did everyone hear that?” Dukakis asked 


When talking shop, technicians at sperm banks 
refer to frozen semen as blue genes. 


When the salesmans car broke down, he 
walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask if he 
could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put 
him up. “But,” he said, “you'll have to share 
bed with my son 

“Oh, never mind,” the disappointed salesman 
said. “I think Fin in the wrong joke” 


On the opening day of fishing season a 
an old man in a pickup truck bearing Wyoming 
license plates unloaded a birchbark canoe, а 
one-piece bamboo rod and a beat-up tackle box 
and headed out to the lake. Several hours later, 
he returned with 50 large lake trout. The local 
fishermen, who had had barely a nibble, asked 
the old man his secret, but he ignored them, 
loaded up his truck and drove away: 

he scenario was repeated for the next sever- 
al days. Finally, the Department of Fish and Game 
was called in to investigate. When the old man 
arrived on schedule one day, the Fish and Game 
officer asked to join him. He shrugged and mo- 
tioned to the canoe. After an hour of 
paddling, he reached into his tackle box, pulled 
out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and threw it 
into the water. The officer watched in shock as 
the old man netted several stunned fish 

18 I don't know what the laws аге іп Wyo- 

" the officer said, “but here in Idaho, 
illegal to dynamite fish” 

The old man pulled out another stick of dyna- 
mite, lit the fuse, threw it into the officer's lap 
and growled, “Boy, you gonna sit there and talk 
or are you gonna fish?” 


A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva 
bank and inquired about taking out a loan for 
1000 Swiss 
“What security c: 
asked. 
“My Rolls-Royce is parked out front.” he said 
15 will be away for a few weeks. Here are the 
еу 
А month later, the man returned to the bank 
and paid off the loan, 1017 francs with interest. 
Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but 
why a one-thousand-franc loan for a man of your 
obvious means? 
"Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you 
store a Rolls for a month for seventeen francs?” 


n you offer?” the banker 


Why do shepherds wear flowing robes? Because 
sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. 


One of the proctologists most annoying patients 
came in for an examination. The doctor ordered 
him to bend over and proceeded to probe with 
first one, then two fingers, Causing the patient 
considerable discomfort 

Hey, doc,” the man objected, “why are you us 
g two finger: 
T assumed,” the doctor replied, that you'd 
want a second opinion.” 


L, Men 


Aer a fierce hurricane struck New York 
local officials estimated that the storm 
$10,000,000 worth of improvements. 


A man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a 
phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a 
double whi tender set it down, he 
asked, “Going to a party’ 
“Yeah,” the man answered. 
dressed as my love life.” 
“But you look like Abe Lincoln” 
ht. My last four scores were seven 


‘Supposed to go 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
Playboy Bldg, 919 М. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ш. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Looks like some folks are in for one hell of a big blow tonight, Walt.” 


“лл 


Whiskey 


AMERICAIN 


louis xvi would have loved it 


THE NAME, ОҒ course, is French, B-O-U-R- 
B-O-N. Heard a Frenchman say the 
word? They roll that R as though they 
were sipping whiskey. If the French had 
discovered it first, imagine the fuss they 
would have made over it. It was named 
after the king of France, of course, Louis 
XVI, who was honored by having acoun- 
ty in Kentucky named after him, The 
gesture was a thank-you to the French for 
supporting the Americans in the War of 
Independence. Later on, they sent us the 
Statue of Liberty. 

Merci, nos an 
Let's have a B-O-U-R-B-O-N. It is, after 
all, the spirit of independence. 

The natural place to clink glasses to 
such an event is at Harry's New York 
Bar in Paris, an institution at Cing Rue 
Daunou that has been a favorite wa- 
tering hole for Americans since Harry 
MacElhone, the bartender, served hi 
first drink there on Thanksgiving Day 
in 1911. 

Harry's son Andy and grandson Dun- 
can still run the place. They keep at least 
a dozen American straight whiskeys on 
the back bar, in the three classic styles: 
Kentucky bourbon (the sophisticated 
young Frenchman likes it straight up, in 
a sherry glass); Tennessee whiskey (as 
an aperitif, on the rocks or with a twist 
of lemon); and Pennsylvania-style rye 
(America's first whiskey, back in style, es- 

Шу in a manhattan cocktail). For the 
birthday of (continued on page 156) 


ILLUSTRATION BY NADJA FEGTO. 


PLAYBOY 


118 


Clinique La Prairie continued from page 93) 


“If movie stars, Popes, princesses and heads of gov- 
ernment had taken the shots, then why not I?” 


minutes after such an injection of foreign 
protein. Hours passed. To the amaze- 
ment of everyone, the patient did not 
die—in fact, she lived for another 30 
years. 

Using himself as a guinea pig, Niehans 
did further experimentation in fresh-cell 
therapy. Elated at the results, he created 
Clinique La Prairie. In the half century 
since then, the clinic has treated more 
than 65,000 patients. Niehans died in 
1971 atthe age of 89. 

. 


The bottom line is, do 1 want sheep 
cells injected into my tush? (Q.: How do 
you feel after your sheep shots, Dan? 
A.: Not baaaad.) 

I phone a conservative internist friend 
of mine, Dr. Baker. 

“Lam thinking of going to Switzerland 
to take sheep-cell injections,” I say. 

“бо to Switzerland,” he says. “Don't 
take sheep-cell injections. They could 
cause allergic reactions or damage to 
your immune system.” 

I consult a friend named Susan Cal- 
houn. 

“Do it, do it!” she says. 

“Га have to be injected with cells of 
unborn sheep,” I say. 

“Listen, I'd eat babies if 1 thought it 
would do any good,” she says. 

A friend named Charlie Milbaupt 
warns, “You'll come back too young for 
Suzanne.” 

. 

I visit Clinique La Prairie's representa- 
tive in New York City, Madeleine Arena. I 
ask her what sort of rejuvenation I can 
expect if I take the injections. 

“You can't rejuvenate or reverse the 
aging process,” she says. "You can only 
retard it. The thing most people experi- 
ence as a result of the shots is renewed 
energy, though people go to Clinique La 
Prairie for a variety of reasons.” 

Pope Pius XII took the shots because 
he was suffering from nonstop hiccups. 
Princess Elizabeth of Yugoslavia took the 
shots because she was turning 50 and 
getting forgetful. George Hamilton went 
three times, starting at the age of 26, be- 
cause he was losing his hearing. Konrad 
Adenauer went, but Arena doesn't know 
why. (IF movie stars, Popes, princesses 
and heads of government had taken the 
shots, then why not 12) 

A young New Jersey construction 
worker named Frank Juliano had an on- 
the-job accident that broke his pel 
three places and left him paralyzed from 
the waist down, with no control over bow- 


el or bladder functions. After extensive 
hospital care and various types of physi- 
cal therapy, there was not much improve- 
ment and he was still confined to a 
wheelchair. After two treatments at 
Clinique La Prairie, as he reported on 
the Today show, he experienced a tremen- 
dous decrease in the chronic, severe pain 
he was having and started to have new 
movement in his legs. He was out of the 
wheelchair and had regained control 
over bowel and bladder functions and is 
now able to walk with crutches. 

Five doctors on duty at Clinique La 
Prairie can handle only 25 patients at a 
time. Reservations must be booked four 
months in advance. The cost is 10,500 
Swiss francs, or about $8000 at current 
exchange rates. Patients spend three 
nights in a hotel and six nights in the 
clinic on the following schedule: 

You arrive in Montreux on a Sunday 
and check into your hotel. On Monday, 
you're given a physical examination. 
Tuesday is a free day On Wednesday, 
there's a consultation about your exam, 
and then you move into the clinic. On 
Thursday, you get the shois—eight to 12 
of them. On Friday and Saturday, you 
stay in your bed (you may feel tired, achy 
and flulike). On Sunday and Monday, you 
can go out, but you must return to the 
clinic. You can have facials, manicures, 
pedicures and acupuncture needles in- 
serted into your face to diminish wrin- 
kles. And on Tuesday, you're discharged. 

Arena admits that you may feel tired 
for a couple of wecks. A “raised tempera- 
ture” is also possible two to eight weeks 
after the shots. Raised temperature? 
Does she mean fever? “Yes, but only fora 
little while.” And how long does it take to 
feel the good effects? “Three to six 
months, though it takes some people 
eight to ten months to feel it. Oh, and you 
don't have to be worried about Cher- 
nobyl," she says. 

“What do you mean?" I say. 1 hadn't 
worried about Chernobyl fora long time. 

“І mean about the radioactive fallout 
contaminating the sheep. They were in- 
side all winter during the incident, so 
there's no way they could have been con- 
taminated by the fallout.” 

“Ah, good,” I say. 


. 

I speak by phone with a surgeon іп Los 
Angeles who went to Clinique La Prairie 
in September 1986 to look over its opera- 
tion and decide whether or not he want- 
ed to take the shots himself. He was 
impressed by the clinic scientifically, took 


the shots and believes they were 
beneficial, but he's reluctant to have me 
use his name for fear of disapproval 
from the medical community 

Another Los Angeles doctor with 
whom I make contact believes the shots 
can do neither good nor harm but may 
produce an allergy to lamb chops. 


a 

I phone Dr. Norman Orentreich, a 
New York dermatologist famous for help- 
ing the famous look younger. 1 am sure 
he knows of Clinique La Prairie. I'm 
right. 

“The injections stimulate the adrenal 
glands,” says Dr. Orentreich. “But that is 
a stressful thing to do to the body, inject- 
ing it with foreign protein.” 

“Why is that?” 

“Because it's stressful,” he says. “If you 
took a whip and hit someone, he'd get an 
adrenaline rush and temporarily feel 
that he had extra energy. But it would be 
a transitory and a stressful process.” 

“Do you know of any side effects?” 

“The injections can cause soreness at 
the site, severe hives and arthritis.” 

“Would you take the injections your- 
self?” 

“You couldn't give me a million dollars 
to take them,” he says. 

Maybe I won't take the shots after all. 

. 

Blanche Cutler is a travel agent іп New 
Jersey She has heen to 140 conntries, is 
68 years old and went to Clinique La 
Prairie in August 1986. I ask her why. 

“For one thing, I wanted to maintain 
my memory—what's your name again?" 
I repeat my name, but she is joking. 

“I didn't want to stop traveling," she 
continues. “I figured any investment I 
could make in my health so I could con- 
tinue traveling was worth it. By the way, 
the shots are also great for the libido.” 

“Really?” 

“Oh, they absolutely improve your sex 
life. Since I had the shots, the sensi 
in my nipples has been heightened, Also, 
my memory is coming back. That's taken 
about four months. Four months for the 
memory, four to five for the sex. I'm 68 
years old, and I would never want to turn 
the clock back, even for a day. I have lots 
of energy and I look great.” 

“Tell me more about Clinique La 
Prairie.” 

"When you arrive, they examine you. I 
tell all the girls you must wear a pretty 
bra and panties—they examine you that 
way, so you have to look cute.” 

“So they examined you, and then а few 
days later, they gave you the shots.” 

“They found I was allergic, so they 
gave me something for the allergy, and 
then they gave me the shots.” Any side 
effects? “I got dizzy, but that’s all. They 
give you pills for 30 days. 1 had sore 

(continued on page 158) 


ІШ 
JELIY-BEAN PRESIDENCY 


as the man who put the p.r. in the presidency, 
ronald reagan spoke no evil. the facts, 
unfortunately, speak for themselves 


looked like (“How are you, Mr. Mayor?” 
he greeted Pierce. “I'm glad to meet you. 
How are things in your city?”); how long 
ago World War Two was fought (he 
claimed that there were very few living 
Germans who even remembered the war, 

“and certainly none of them who were 
adults and participating in any way”); the 
first name of his chief arms-control nego- 
tiator, Paul Nitze (Reagan introduced 
him at a dinner as “Ed Nitze"); that seg- 
regation persists in South Africa (they 
“have eliminated the segregation that we 
once had in our own country—the type 
of thing where hotels and restaurants 
and places of entertainment and so forth 
were segregated. That has all been elimi- 
nated”). [Source: Paul Slansky in The 
New Republic] 


THE JELLY BEAN, composed of sugar coat- 
ing and transparent goo, is a first-rate 
choice for the official candy of the Rea- 
gan Administration. But polytetra- 
fluoroethylene—a.k.a. Teflon—is getting 
an associative bum rap; unlike the Ad- 
ministration to which it’s attached, Teflon 
і great stuff. According to Encyclopaedia 
Britannica, it is characterized by “its com- 
plete indifference to attack” and by its 
“slippery surface,” both of which make it 
suitable to “corrosive environments.” 
Which brings us to the spooky part: 
Nineteen eighty-eight is polytetra- 
fluoroethylene's 50th anniversary, and it 
is Jelly-Bean/Teflon President Ronald 
Reagan's last year in office. Coincidence? 
We think not. Perhaps even more than 
candy and Commander in Chief, Presi- 
dent and polymer match up: Consider 
the popularity, the malleable form, the 
indifference, the slipperiness, the corro- 
sive environment. That Teflon is being dear weapons to full-scale nuclear war, 
held hostage in this relationship only Commander in Chief Reagan replied, 
confirms its aptness for the role it fills. ‘Well, 1 would—if they realized that 
Duly noting all of the above, we d > we—if we went back to 
here document all the awful A қ Ñ В that stalemate, 
stuff—confectionery : ж only because 
and otherwise 2 21 | ‘our retalia- 
that should کے"‎ 
have stuck to — 


. 
When asked іп October 1981 about the 
possible escalation from battlefield nu- 


Ronald Reagan 
bu, by the 
magic of politi- 
cal chemistry, 
hasn't. Yet. $ s 
1 "d so destructive 
p7 that th Лап 
SAY WHAT? e 9 er cal 
Teagan— 
eraserhead ге; 
p 15 picota ‘News item: “Those Democrats who are 
A ings Ronald Reagan didn't И here аге probably here because, like mil- 
know: the fact that most of the US.S.R's compiled by Peter Moore lions I've met across the country, they 
weaponry is land-based; what his only А have found they can no longer follow the 
black Cabinet member (Samuel Pierce) illustrations by Steve Brodner leadership of the Republican Party, 


ng 


120 


which has taken them down a course that 
leads to disaster,’ [Reagan] said. 

“The White House said later that he 
meant the Democratic Party” —The New 
York Times, November 4, 1986 


. 

“Most of the things that happen in 
Government the White House doesnt get 
involved in. I think when the White 
House has gotten involved, you have had 
some disasters. Arms transfers to Iran 
come to mind.”—ATTORNEY GENERAL ED- 
WIN MEESE, October 25, 1987 


CONTRA DICTIONS 
truth held hostage 


“Americans will never make conces- 
sions to terrorists—10 do so would only 
invite more terrorism. There would be 
no end to the bloody ransom all civilized 
people must pay."—RONALD REAGAN, June 
18, 1985 


. 

Robert McFarlane to Congressman 
Michael Barnes on September 12, 1985: 
No one on McFarlanes staff, including 
Ollie North, “has solicited funds, facili- 
tated contacts for prospective potential 
donors, or otherwise organized or соог- 
dinated the military or paramilitary ef- 
forts of the [Nicara- 
guan] resistance.” 

. 

George Bush's 
office first said that it 
had never spoken 
with Felix Rodriguez 
(CIA informant in 
El Salvador) about 
the Contra resup- 
ply program; 
then it said it 
had never dis- 
cussed the oper- 
ation with him 
before August 8, 
1986. Bush's office 
next published "a 
chronology" of his advi- 
sors’ meetings with Rodriguez. 
“Two later amendments to the chronology 
cited more meetings. 

* 

In August 1986, Ollie North told the 

House Intelligence Committee that һе 


had never given the Contras military ad- 
vice, that he had never worked with Ma- 
jor General John Singlaub or Rob Owen 
to help the Contras. All of this informa- 
tion was false, which earned North a 
“well done” from National Security Advi- 
sor John Poindexter. 


. 

“Try as I might, I cannot recall any- 
thing whatsoever about whether I ap- 
proved an Israeli sale in advance or 
whether I approved replenishment of Is- 
raeli stocks around August of 1985. My 
answer, therefore, 
and the simple truth, 


bound weapons 
shipments, February 
20, 1987 


. 
| “We dont make 
deals with terrorists. 
Period." —MARLIN 
FITZWATER, White 
House spokesman, 
February 22, 1988 
. 


In completing the Iran/Contra deals, 
the White House defied a Federal law 
against military aid to the Nicaraguan 
resistance. It sold weapons to an Iranian 
regime that had richly earned Reagan's 
epithet “Murder Incorporated” by par- 
ticipating in the killing of 241 US. sol- 
diers in Lebanon. Among the Iranian 
“moderates” White House personnel 
dealt with was arms dealer Manucher 
Ghorbanifar, who—in the judgment of 
his examiner—lied on 13 of 15 key ques- 
tionsin a CIA lie-detector test. Although 
the chief of the CIA Middle East desk 
said, “This guy lies with zest,” Ghorbani- 
far was retained as а consultant. 


. 
“When [Reagan] was president of the 
Screen Actors Guild, anybody who 
pleaded the Fifth in front of a Congres- 
sional committee lost his membership"— 
REPRESENTATIVE PATRICIA SCHROEDER 


is, I dont remember. THE WAR ON DRUGS 
Period.”—RoNALD 2 
REAGAN on Iran- it was a bust 


Just say no to drugs.”—NANCY REAGAN, 
July 1984 


. 

“We will launch a national crusade 
against drugs."—RONALD REAGAN, August 
1986 


. 
On October 27, 1986, President Rea- 
gan signed a bill allotting an extra 1.7 bil- 
lion dollars for antidrug programs and 
Attorney General Edwin Meese =| 
announced the formation of 24 
anticrack task forces. 
Less than three 
months later, 
Reagan's 1988 
budget proposal called 
for those funds to be sub- 
stantially cut back, and Mr. зм 
Meeses crack units have yet to be 
formed. 


ECONOMIC BOMB 
red-ink reaganomics 


Since 1979, the ranks of the poor have | 
increased by 6,300,000. 
. 


In the first five years of Reaganomics, 
G. N. E growth in constant dollars was 
1L7 percent. In the previous five. 
years of Ford/Carter policies, 
growth was 172 percent. 
. 


“This Administration is 
committed to a balanced bud- 
get, and we will fight to the 
last blow to achieve it"— 
RONALD REAGAN, September 
1981 


. 

Тһе budget deficit to end all 
budget deficits: 290 billion dol- 
lars in 1986. Jimmy Carters 
largest deficit, by comparison, was 
73.8 billion dollars in 


1980. The total of 

all the Reagan THE 
budget defciis 

is about two 2. Ж? 
trillion du. 
lars. The 


total for all the Administrations before 
Reagan's was 900 billion dollars. 


. 
During the entire Reagan Administra- 
— tion, the unemploy- 
ment rate has 
hovered be- 
tween a low 
of 5.5 
percent 
(1988) 


and a high of 9.5 percent (1982, 1983). 
"These figures do not indude the approx- 
imately 5,000,000 workers forced to ас- 
cept part-time jobs in lieu of full-time 
employment. nor do they include the 
1,170,000 workers so discouraged about 
job prospects that they have dropped out 
of the labor force. 


. 

Good news for the 1,170,000: “When 
unemployment benefits end, most people 
find jobs very quickly after that point."— 
EDWIN MEESE 


е 
ОҒ the 11,000,000 new jobs created 
during the first five years of the Reagan 
Presidency, about 60 percent paid less 
than $7000 a year. 
. 

In six years, the U.S. has gone from the 
world's biggest creditor (120 billion dol- 
lars in the black in 1981) to the world’s 
biggest borrower (260 billion dollars in 
the red in 1987). The total debt owed to 
foreigners is expected to approach a tril- 
lion dollars in the next two years. Sum- 
ming up this debt spree and the 
attendant high times, New York Senator 
Daniel Patrick Moynihan characterized 
_ the Reagan era as a time when the 

+. nation “borrowed a trillion 

dollars from the Japanese 
and threw a party.” 
. 


Baoneld and Nancy Reagan's 

personal (ак 
х cut under 1987 
tax reform: 22 percent 
($72,114, down from $99460). 


atrillion bucks—for what? 
In the first six years of Ronald Rea- 
gans Presidency, 146 trillion dollars was 
spent on national defense. Yet in Con- 
gressional hearings during the spring of 
1987, witnesses repeatedly stated that 


of students 
behind enemy 
lines; had the 
Grenadian and 
Cuban troops cho- 
sen to do so, they 
might easily have cap- 
tured, or even slaugh- 
- ” tered, the medical 
vw Students. As it was, the 
greatest threat to the 
Americans on Grenada 
was an errant bomb dropped by their 
own forces. The toll among all combat- 
ants: 88 dead, including 21 mental pa- 
tients whose hospital was mistakenly 
bombed. [Source: Frontline, February 2, 
1988] 


б 

Based оп the premise that Libya was 
behind the April 5, 1986, bombing of a 
West German disco where an American 
Serviceman was killed, the U.S. launched 
a counterattack against Tripoli ten days 
later. The attack missed its obvious 
target—Muammar el-Qaddafi—but 
2000-pound laser-guided bombs did find 
Qaddafi's adopted baby daughter, the 
French embassy, a residential district, the 
citys airport and a school for naval 
cadets, іп addition to "terrorist" targets. 
The State Department recently linked 
Syrian terrorists with the disco bombing; 
то conclusive evidence of Libya’s involve- 


US. conventional forces and reserves ment has been offered. 
were woefully unprepared to fight, citing 
shortages in ammunition, spare parts, PLANE FACTS 
and medical staff and supplies. 555 
On October 25, 1983, two days 
after 241 men died in — — — — 


the bombing of the 
U.S. Marine barracks in Lebanon, the 
military carried out President Reagan's 
orders for the invasion of Grenada. The 
maneuver, undertaken to demonstrate 
U.S. resolve, was conducted without any 
knowledge of the enemy's substantial 
anti-aircraft fire, and troops 
were given useless tourist 
maps to plot their 
movements. The 
first wave of 
attack left the 
main group 


Ronald Reagan fired 11,400 striking 
air-traffic controllers in August 1981, 
when the total number of controllers was 
16400. High on the list of union 
grievances were overwork and job stress. 
By January 1987, with the number of air- 
port departures up approximately 25 
percent from the beginning of the 
decade, there were still only 15,100 air- 
traffic controllers, down eight percent 
from the prestrike number. In 1987, 
there were 1063 near mid-air collisions 
between planes and 20 actual collisions. 


121 


OF JUSTICE 


wedtechnicalities and 
other meesedeeds 
“You don't have many suspects who 
are innocent of a crime. That's con- 
tradictory. If a person is innocent of 
a crime, then he is not a suspect." — 
EDWIN MEESE 


б 
During his eight years on the White 
House staff and as Auorney General, 
Meese lias been the subject of investiga- 
tions—what lawyers would call a sus- 
pect—under three special prosecutors. 
. 


“He did not want to embarrass the 
Administration."—rpwiN МЕЕЅЕ on the 
withdrawal of Judge Douglas H. Gins- 
burg’s Supreme Court nomination 

E 

"He's no embarrassment to me"— 

RONALD REAGAN on Edwin Мееве 


. 

“Its gotten to the point where I think 
some of the people are embarrassed say- 
ing at a cocktail party that they work for 
the Justice Department. You see the per- 
son you're talking to jump back іп 
alarm."—Disgruntled Justice Depart- 
ment official on his work; 

. 

News item: “Edwin Meese invested 

nearly $60,000 in 1985 with an invest- 


ment manager, W. Franklyn Chinn, who 
was a consultant to Wedtech and eventu- 
ally served on its board of directors. The 
investment, which turned a substantial 
profit for the Attorney General, came 
after Mr. Meese had arranged a White 
House meeting to review Wedtech's bid 
for a $32,000,000 Army contract that it 
was eventually awarded.”— The New York 
Times, November 18, 1987 


e 

Ursula Meese to a band of Wedtech 

officials and their wives at the Ambas- 

sadors' Ball in late 1985: “Oh, you must 
bethe boys from Wedtech!” 


A letter 
from Ursula 
Meese to Federal 
judge R. Allan Edgar in 
“Tennessee urged “very favorable 
consideration” for the son of the ranking 
Republican member of the House Ways 
and Means Committee; the son had been 
convicted of tax fraud. Meese’s wife also 
accepted a $15,000 interest-free loan 
from Edwin Thomas; subsequently, his 
wife and son landed appointments to 
Federal jobs and he became head 
of the San Francisco General 


Services Administration. Edwin Meese 
“inadvertently failed” to list the loan on 
financial-disclosure forms. 


. 
For five days after November 21, 1986, 
Meese failed to have FBI agents seal files 
dealing with the Iran/Contra investiga- 
tion, the normal practicein criminal cases. 
He also interviewed William Casey but 
failed to ask what he knew about the di- 
version of funds to the Contras; he waited 
two days to question John Poindexter and 
then failed to ask him what President ` 
Reagan knew; and— 

against standard 

procedure—he 


con- 
ducted crucial 
interviews about the 
Iran/Contra dealings without 
aides present and without taking notes. 
Special Prosecutor Lawrence E. Walsh was 
appointed to investigate all of the above 
for possible criminal proceedings. 
. 


Starting in 1981, the FBI began 
infiltrating groups critical of Reagan 
Administration policy, using undercover 
agents and informers. At one rally, FBI 
agents took photographs of marchers 


LÀ 


and recorded their automobile-license 
numbers. The investigation eventually 
grew to indude members of more than 
100 groups, among them the Southern 
Christian Leadership Conference, the 
Roman Catholic Maryknoll Sisters of 
Chicago and the United Auto Workers in 
Cleveland. No indictments resulted, and 
itis unclear if the investigation continues. 
. 

News ilem: “Listing areas where em- 
ployers should take the lead to ensure 
that workers remain drug-free, Mr. 
‘Management also has to take 
its responsibility for surveillance of prob- 
lem areas, such as locker rooms, parking 
lots, shipping and mail-room areas, and 
even the nearby taverns, if necessary, as 
part of controlling this problem.”— 
UPI., October 30, 1986 


. 

Ed Meese—often described as Presi- 
dent Reagan's closest advisor and friend 
in Government—once referred to nu- 
dear war as “something that may not be 
desirable.” 


an embarrassment of wretches 


News item: “More than 110 senior 
officials have been accused of unethical 
or illegal conduct since Reagan took 
office in January 1981, a number that 
does not include those involved in the 
Iran/Contra affair or the Wedtech scan- 
dal"—The Washington Post, December 
17, 1987 

. 

Lyn Nofziger was convicted оп three 
counts of violating Federal ethics laws, 
the second conviction since December in- 
volving one of Reagan's close associates. 
Nofziger, who compared his malfeasance 
to “running a stop sign,” was acting on 
behalf of Wedtech, among others. 
Michael Deaver, a longtime friend of 
Ronald and Nancy Reagan's, got three 
counts of lying under oath about using 
hisinfluence as a highly paid lobbyist. At- 
torney General Edwin Meese is also un- 
der investigation by Nofzigers special 
prosecutor for his alleged role, through 
attorney Robert Wallach, in a bil- 
lion-dollar Iraqi pipeline deal. 


the poor get poorer 

From 1981 to 1985, Federal housing as- 
sistance was cut by 1.8 billion dollars, Aid 
to Families with Dependent Children was 
cut by 4.8 billion dollars, child nutrition 
was cut by 5.2 billion dollars and food 
stamps were cut by 6.8 billion dollars. 

. 

Neuss item: “The poverty rate, at 13.6 
percent of the population, remains 
higher than it was during the Carter, 
Ford or Nixon Administrations." —The 
Wall Street Journal, November 17 1987 

. 

“One problem that we've had is the 
people who are sleeping on the grates, 
the homeless who are homeless, you 
шіріп say, by clic. NH REAGAN, 
January 31, 1984 

. 

“I think some people are going to soup 
kitchens voluntarily. I know we've had 
considerable information that people go 
to soup kitchens because the food is free 
and that that's easier than paying for it. 1 
think they have money" ri MEESE 

. 


Ed Meese on hungry American chil- 
dren: “I don't know of any authoritative 
figures that there are hungry children. 
I've heard a lot of anecdotal stuff, but 1 
haven't heard any authoritative figures.” 
Also: “When you say hungry kids, you're 
talking about allegations that there are 
hungry kids.” 

. 
One of five American children 
lives below the poverty level. 


. 
Atthe start of the Reagan Administra- 
tion, the richest 20 percent of Americans 
were earning 41.6 percent of the nation's 
income. By 1986, they were earning al- 
most 43 percent. The middle 60 percent 
were earning 53.5 percent of the nation’s 
income in Reagan's first year, and by 
1986, that figure had slid to 52.5. As for 
the poorest 20 percent, their earnings 
fell from 4.9 percent of the nations іп- 
come to 4.6 percent during the first six 
years of the Reagan Administration. 


. 
The National Coalition for the 
Homeless says that requests for 
emergency shelter have jumped by 
100 percent in the past four 
years. It estimates that 
3,000,000 Americans 
are homeless. 


. 
Looking ahead 
to the Reagans’ re- 
tirement in 1989, a 
group of the President 
and the First Lady's 
friends purchased a 
$2,500,000 home for 
them in the Bel Air 
section of Los Ange- 
les. Nancy Reagan is 
planning ahead, as 
well: According to 
Daily News columnist 
Liz Smith, the First 
Lady instructed a 
friend of Imelda Mar- 
cos’ to “ask [Imelda] if 
she knows of a good 
Filipino couple—for 
Ronnie and me— 
when ме retire to Cali- 
fornia.” Presumably, 
the Marcoses, though not otherwise 
employed, are unavailable for domestic 

service. 


THE LAST WORD 
ollie north’s secretary 
said it all 
“Sometimes, you just have to go above 
the written law" —FAWN HALL 


== 


ШЕСЕРЕ 


Atos cursed as an infant with the 
AS countenance of a jurist—hence 
the courtly moniker—Judge Reinhold, at 
30, has lightened up considerably and man- 
aged to become the most affable galoot in 
movies today. One critic suggested that he is 
a pixilating cross between James Stewart 
and Donald Duck, the strongest evidence of 
which has been demonstrated in such films 
as “Fast Times ай Ridgemont High,” “Off 
Beat,” “Ruthless People,” “Beverly Hills 
Cop” and, most recently, “Vice Versa.” 
Contributing Editor ВШ Zehme infil- 
trated an on-location film set m Chicago 
and hunkered down for conversation in the 
actors so-called trailer of love. Zehme re- 
ports: “Al the time of our interview, Rein- 
hold may have been the only judge in 
Chicago not under indictment, Judge ts un- 
derstandably sick of the fuss over his name. 
Still, I had to wonder, If he looked like a 
Judge as a tol, what did he think he resem- 
bled these days? ‘A child actor, he told me, 
grinning his omnipresent grin. 


1. 


PLAYBOY: A movie executive has said that 
part of your charm emanates from the 
way you project your imperfections. Do 
you have any imperfections you'd gladly 
give up? 

REINHOLD: [Laughs] You mean physical? 
When І was a kid, my mother had my 
ears pinned. I understand why she did 
it—I really looked like a cab with both 
doors open. The great thing about it was 
that I got to wear a turbanlike bandage 
to school for a week. 1 told everybody I 
had a brain tumor; I got a lot of mileage 
out of that. When the bandages came 


Й off, though, the 
ears were still as 
ааа big = before, ex- 
pt they looked 
explains the | (ші етеу 
һай d th 
problems of back. My. ilice 
big feet the thought she'd 
д 
joys of power 
lounging and 
the special 


ruined me for life 
and fainted іп 
the doctor’s office. 
I remember the 
doctor saying, just 
before she passed 


А , "Oh, well, 
thrill of mas. bein grow ino 
them.. 


turhating on 
Camera 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK HANAUER 


Id give up my 
Adams apple. It 
has a way of lead- 
ing me through 
life that 1 dont 


E 


N 


much like. And Гуе been concerned 
about my Joe Palooka chest. I'm Mr. Tor- 
so, you know? Marty Brest, director of 
Beverly Hills Cop, told me 1 was a terrific 
actor from the neck up. I could doa nude 
scene only in a comedy; otherwise, the 
sight of my body might throw the drama 
off. ICs tough, because when you start get- 
ting lead parts, all you can think about is 
how much you don't look like Robert 
Redford. I guess Im slowly defining my 
own brand of smoldering sexuality. 


2. 


pLaysov: As unlikely as it may seem, we 
suspect that youre the product of a 
warped youth. Accurate? 

REINHOLD: [Grinning] Yeah, I was the guy 
selling pot in the parking lot at my senior 
prom. All the other kids were in the agri- 
culture clubs and I was growing contra- 
band. That was in a little Southern town, 
Fredericksburg, Virginia, where there 
was really all the time in the world, with 
nothing to do. The only recreation was 
mindless cruising. My first car was а 6% 
Chevy station wagon that | called Ra- 
mona, because that's the sound it made. 
RM USE was painted on the back. It was 
right off the set of Hee Haw. | was in a 
Neil Young phase. 

For entertainment, there was a big 
Marine base nearby Every night, 
Marines would drive up behind me and 
my long-haired friends at red lights and. 
start screaming sexual come-ons at us. 
Some of them, even after we turned 
around, thought we меге just ugly girls. 
It was when they weren't shocked that we 
really worried. 


3 


PLAYBOY: What do you think women see 
in you? 
REINHOLD: [Flusiered] Gee, I don't know— 
maybe a sappy sincerity? I was the Alan 
Alda of my high school. Unfortunately, I 
was the nice guy the girls would com- 
plain to about their asshole boyfriends. 
The only girls I got at that time were 
kind of screwed up with emotional prob- 
Jems. I was а glib guy 

Now they probably see me as accessible 
and fun. I mean, stewardesses are hitting 
оп me in airplanes! I have to say that it's 
very thrilling to get attention from wom- 
en. 115 completely superficial. And very 
gratifying. You know, its one of the 
tragedies of my life to realize that now 
that I'm famous, | find myself not only 
married but in the middle of the AIDS 
epidemic. My wife is pleased. [Laughs] 


S i @ th s 


HOLD 


Its just awful timing. Isn't it terrible that 
the Eighties could possibly be remem- 
bered as the era in which when you slept 
with somebody, you slept with everybody 
she'd slept with in the past 15 years? 
[Grinning] I mean, they may as well be in 
bed with you. But you don't even get the 
benefit. 

I'm looking forward to the equivalent 
of V-E Day when they finally find the 
cure, and people will be fucking in the 
streets. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: As a former resident thespian 
there, would you regale us with tales of 
the Burt Reynolds Jupiter Theater in 
Jupiter, Florida? 

REINHOLD: Well, it was an apprenticeship 
program, and basically, Га do bit parts 
and serve cocktails. Burt called it paying 
your dues. We called it slave labor. But 
those were great days—I was about 20 
then. If I was lucky enough to have a cou- 
ple of lines in the first act—and they һар- 
pened to be funny lines—I'd make 50 
bucks in tips, serving drinks at intermis- 
sion. For particularly bad performances, 
we'd get the bartender to make the 
drinks stiffer. We had this idea that for 
fun, we'd just nail the plates to the tables 
and hose them off before the show. It 
might have goosed the presentation a bit. 

But there were several recurring 
nightmares. Every night, toward the end 
of the last act, some drunken broad, who 
wouldn't accept the fact that Burt was 
3000 miles away in California, would 
start screaming, “Wheres Burt?” That al- 
ways heightened the drama on stage. 
During the hot summer months, when 
everybody else left Florida, we'd get these 
busloads of Miami geriatrics who'd sit 
there with hearing aids and docile smiles. 
The standard line among the actors was, 
“Why doesn't somebody bury them be- 
fore they start to smell?” 

I lived right above the theater, and on 
one night I'll never forget, I was just 
finishing making love with a comely fel- 
low apprentice. Amazingly, we reached 
the crucial moment virtually at the time 
the second act ended, and there was this 
thunderous applause. It was just one 
of those memorable episodes in your 
life when the timing is incredibly per- 
fect, like in a movie. 

Fl! tell you, another memorable night 
of mine was when I had to drive a famous 
қау actor to the airport. Well, we'd been 
driving along and he seemed to have 
been, like, (continued on page 142) 


125 


125 


ey EA Ih Y 


everyone’s after sally: the feds, 
the mafia—and timothy cone 


fiction 


By LAWRENCE SANDERS 


ALLY STEINER, a proud, handsome 
woman, drives from Smithtown into 
Ozone Park. She parks in front of 
a narrow brick building, windows 
painted black. There is a small sign 
over the doorway: THE MIAMI FISH- 
ING AND SOCIAL CLUB. 

Sally gets out of her Cadillac, knowing the 
hubcaps are safe. There is no thievery on this 
street. And no muggings, no littering, no graffiti. 
Maybe the cops drive through once a week, but 
the locals take care of everything. 

There are a few geezers in the front room, 
playing cards and drinking red wine. They don’t 
look up when the door opens. 

She walks straight back, through a doorway 
curtained with strings of glass beads, most of 
them chipped or broken. There is one round 
wooden table back there surrounded by six 
chairs that look ready to collapse at the first 
shout. The tabletop has a big brownish stain in 
the center. It could be a wine spill or it could be 
a blood spill; Sally doesn't know and doesnt 
wonder. 

Mario Corsini is sitting there with a bottle of 
Chivas Regal and four shot glasses. He gets to his 
feet when Sally enters. He spreads his arms wide, 
but she ignores the proffered embrace. 

He pulls outa chair and pours them drinks. 

Sally tugs a white envelope from her purse and 
slides it across the table. 

“My tax return,” she says coldly. 

Corsini smiles. He sips his Scotch delicately. 
“We got a little (continued on page 138) 


ILLUSTRATION БҮ ЕОЗОН GIRARD 


hong kong sizzles with 


WORLD-CLASS 


BEAUTIES — 


UJELCOME TO THE FIRST-EVER MISS PLAYBOY 
INTERNATIONAL PAGEANT > 


UST LIKE THE OLYMPICS, only much prettier, was the scene in Queen Elizabeth Stadium in 


yes, that cer- 


Hong Kong this past December 13. There was a chill in the night ai 

tain electricity—as some 2000 people settled into their seats to witness a global celebra- 

tion of beauty: Playboy magazine, along with its 13 international editions, was staging 
the first-ever Miss Playboy International pageant. If the event promised to be an evening of 
magic, putting it all together had required plenty of no-nonsense planning and teamwork. 
Over the course of the week, Playboy editors, art directors and photographers had swarmed 
into Hong Kong, headquarters for our Chinese-language edition, from Argentina, Aus- 
tralia, Brazil, France, West Germany, Greece, Italy, Japan, Mexico, the Netherlands, Spain, 
‘Turkey and the United States—each individual lending an expert hand to the proceedings, 
each country represented by Playboy's best. Ultimately, of course, the contestants stole the 


show There were 14, each of whom had already appeared in her country’s edition of Playboy — 


either as a Playmate or as a model. Clearly, the judges job would be as tough as it was enviable. 


Playboys international 
pageant brought together 
14 of the world's most 
beautiful women (posing 
for cameras, below, and 
оп a junk in Hong Kong 
harbor, left). The three 
who grabbed top honors 
are (above, from left): 
Italy's Marta Duca (first 
runner-up), Brazil's Шта 
de Oliveira (Miss Playboy 
International) and the 
US: Lynne Austin 

(second runner-up). 


130 


In addition to the stand- 
ard beauty-contest fare, 
the pageant served up 

а feast of song-and-dance 
productions, including a 
Busby-Berkeley-gone- 
Hong-Kong number (be- 
low) and (right) a routine. 
in which contestants 
played Santa's helpers 

to Chinese star Alex To. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
BYRON NEWMAN 


t precisely 9:30 ғм., the 
pageant began—despite 
last-minute demonstra- 
tions by the Christian 
Theological Society of Hong 
Kong, which deemed the show 
not-quite-ready-for-prime-time 
Chinese television. Evidently, the 
protesters had not done their 
homework: Not only did the local 
viewers tune into the live broadcast, they loved it. In the end, ТҮВ, the station that 


aired the event, would grab an astonishing 95 percent audience share, as home viewers 
watched the pageant entrants parade before the cameras wearing a variety of outfits, 
including bathing suit, evening dress and national costume. The judges carefully 
jotted notes as beauty went head to head with beauty By П em, they'd made their 
decision: The crown of Miss Playboy International and $25,000 were awarded to 
Luma de Oliveira, the Br: 
four months earlier. Second place and $15,000 were nabbed by Italy's striking Marta 


in bombshell who'd made her first Playboy appearance only 


Duca and third place was given to Americas own Lynne Austin—Miss July 1986— 
who received $10,000 for her efforts. An additional $3000 was handed over to Luma 
as winner of the Editors’ Choice Award—an honor determined by а multina- 


tional panel of Playboy editors and photographers. Their choice was unanimous. 


ost of the contenders were already well known to their countrymen 
before the pageant was held. Nathalie Galon (right) was not 
only the French Playboys April 1987 Playmate ond a TV celebrity but also 
the co-author of a popular book about being, naturellement, a sex symbol. 


FRANCE 


ЗОРИ 


ақауды» 


WEST GERMANY 


МЕХІСО 


AUSTRALIA 


either Australia's Shannon lee Long 

(above) nor West Germanys Stella Hobs 
(opposite page) was disappointed with the 
judges’ final decision: "It was a pleasure just to 
be there,” says Shannon, a stunning sheila. "Ве- 
sides,” adds Stella, I never win pageants. My 
trouble is that I cart smile" Being in the 
spotlight was old hat for Hong Kongs May 
Cheung (far left) —to date, she has appeared іп 
ten films. And as for Mexico's Barbara Ferrat 
(left), her Hong Hong stay developed into a 
true test of feminine endurance: When she 
wasnt on stage, she was downtown shopping! 


GREECE 


[though she admits that it wasrit easy trying to decipher the Chinese language, Athens model Jenny 
Vergidou (above), a bona fide globe-trotter, boasts fluency in both Bulgarian and Russian. Below, from 
left: Minako Konno, a Tokyo administrator who stunned family and friends by appearing in the June 1987 
Japanese Playboy; the Netherlands’ Lucienne Bruinooge, a model/actress from Schoonhoven (get out your 
conversion tables, guys: Lucienne was the tallest of the contestants, measuring 1.78 meters); and Spairis 
Nuria Pasarisa Dobon, a budding actress who, though she hosnt copped a leading role, has had her trasero 


photographed for Spanish starlets who wont show theirs. And from the US, here's Lynne Austin (opposite) — 
who was not only the pageants second runner-up but 1987 Playmate of the Year in the Netherlands. 


NETHERLANDS SPAIN 


VAY 


"The pageant was the brain child of Albert Cheng, Editor and Publisher of Playboy's Chinese- 
language edition. Cheng bounced the idea off Playboy Photo Director Gary Cole, Managing 
Photo Editor Jeff Cohen, Dutch Editor Jan Heemskerk and the company’s Director of Inter- 
national Publishing, Haresh Shah—and the five men stoked the spark of fantasy into a blaz- 
ing reality, “In the end,” says Shah, “it was more than just a beauty pageant. It was a clear 


illustration of my concept of Playboy's editions: We are a family. And what a reunion we had!" 


he first runner-up, Italy's Marta Duca (above), is a veteran of several beau- 
ty face-offs, including the Miss Europe contest in Frankfurt. And finally, the 
winner: Brazils Luma de Oliveira (at right and opposite), a model from just 
outside Rio de Janeiro. When speaking of the magazine that honored her, 
Шта is oh-so-Latin: "Playboy has been like a special boyfriend to me. Slow- 
ly and carefully, it has undressed me and taken me on a marvelous journey." 


PLAYEOY 


138 


RUN, SALLY, RUN (continued fom page 126) 


“Pitzak retired; Mario 


says. ‘Where to?’ Sally 


Steiner asks suspiciously. ‘Forest Lawn?’” 


business to discuss here. Like they say, 
good news and bad news. I'll give you the 
bad first. We're upping your dues two 
biggies a month.” 

Sally slams a fist down on the table. It 
rocks; Corsini’s drink slops over. 

“Two more a month?” she says. “What 
kind of shit is this?” 

“Take it easy,” Corsini says soothingly. 
“You didn't give me a chance to tell you 
the good news. You got a new territory 
South of where your dump is now. Along 
Eleventh Avenue to Twenty-third Street.” 

“Yeah?” Sally says suspiciously. “What 
happened to Pitzak 2” 

“He retired,” Mario says. 

“Where to? Forest Lawn?” 

“I доп" like jokes like that,” Corsini 
says. “They're not respectful.” 

Sally swallows whisky. “So the bottom 
line is that my tariff goes up two Gs, and 
I get Eleventh Avenue down to Twenty- 
third Street. Right?” 

“And all the garbage you can eat,” 
Corsini says, showing а mouthful of tar- 
nished teeth. 

“What about the customers?” 

“Mostly industrial. Some restaurants, 
some diners, two apartment houses. One 
paint factory, one chemical outfit you'll 
have to dump in Jersey. And three or 
four printers.” 

“What kind of printers?” 

“One does magazines, a couple do cat- 
alogs and brochures and one does print- 
ing for Wall Street outfits. Annual 
reports, documents, prospectuses, stuff 
like that.” 

“Yeah?” Sally says. "That's interest- 
ing” 

“One more thing,” Mario says. “We 
want you to take оп a new man. He's been 
over from the old country six months 
now. Strictly legit. He's got his papers and 
all that shit. A good loader for you. A 
nice young boy He'll work hard, and he's 
strong.” 

Sally says, “What do І need anew man 
for?” 

“Because he's my cousin,” Mario says. 

They drain their drinks and Sally 
rises. 

“Its been a super evening,” she says. 
“Гуе enjoyed every minute of it.” 

She nods at Mario and marches out, 
leaving her empty glass on the table. 

. 


Samantha Whatley says, “Well, here's a 
new one for you.” 

She holds outa file folder, and Timothy 
Cone shuffles forward to take it. Cone's 
an investigator for Haldering & Co., an 


outfit on Wall Street that provides 
“financial intelligence” for corporate and 
individual clients. 

"What is it?" he asks. “Some guy selling 
the Brooklyn Bridge?" 

“No,” Sam says, "this is heavy stuff. 
The client is Pistol & Burns. You know 
them?” 

“The investment bankers? Sure, 1 
know them, Very old. Very conservative. 
What's their problem?” 

“They think they have a leak in their 
mergers-and-acquisitions department.” 

"Oh-ho. Another inside-trading scam?” 

“Could be,” Samantha says. “Tim, this 
is a new client with mucho dinero. Will 
you, for God's sake, try to dress neatly 
and talk like a gentleman?” 

“Dont I always?” 

She stares at him. “Out!” she says. 

Back in his office, he opens a fresh 
pack of Camels (second of the day) and 
lights up. He parks his scuffed yellow 
work shoes atop the scarred desk and 
starts flipping through the Pistol & 
Burns file. 

Seems they’re in the last stages of 
finagling a leveraged buy-out of a corpo- 
ration that makes clothes for kiddies, 
including diapers with the label of a 
hot-shot lingerie designer and little 
striped overalls just like gandy dancers 
once wore. The buyers are a group of the 
company's top executives, and the trans- 
action includes an issue of junk bonds. 

Everything is kept strictly hush-hush, 
and the number of people witha need to 
know is kept to a minimum. But during 
the past two weeks, the volume of trading 
in Wee Tot Fashions, Inc., usually mii 
cule, has quadrupled, with the stock up 
five bucks. Jeremy Bigelow, an investiga- 
tor from the Securities and Exchange 
Commission, is already haunting the 
paneled corridors of Pistol & Burns, try- 
ing to discover who is leaking word of the 
upcoming deal. 

This state of affairs cannot be allowed 
to continue, according to G. Fergus 
‘Twiggs, a Pistol & Burns senior partner. 

Cone calls Pistol & Burns. Twiggs has 
a deep, rumbling voice. Cone thinks it 
sounds rum soaked, aged in oak casks, 
but maybe that's the way all old invest- 
ment bankers talk. Their conversation is 
brief. Twiggs agrees to meet at ten o'clock 
the following morning to discuss “this 
disastrous and lamentable situation 


. 
Judy Bering, the receptionist-secre- 
tary, opens the door of Sallys office and 


sticks her head іп. 

“There's a guy out here,” she says. 
“Claims Mario Corsini told him to report 
for work this mornin; 

“Yeah,” Sally says. "Mario told me he'd 
show up. What's his name?” 

“Anthony Ricci.” 

"Sure," Sally says. "What else? What's 
he like?” 

Judy rolls her eyes heavenward. “A lol- 
lipop,” she says. 

Ricci, an Adonis, comes in carrying his 
cap and wearing a smile that lights up the 
dingy office. 

“Good morning, miss," he says. “I am 
Anthony Ricci, and I am to work here as 
a loader” 

“Good for you,” Sally says. “You know 
what a loader does? He lifts heavy cans of 
garbage and dumps them into the back 
of a truck. You can handle that?" 

Again that high-intensity smile. Ricci 
lifts his arms, flexes his biceps. “I can 
handle," he says. 

“Uh-huh,” Sally says. 

As they're going out the door, he 
flashes those brilliant choppers again 
and asks, “You married?” 

“What's it to you?” Sally says sharply. 

She shows him around the dump: 
sheds, unloading docks, compacters, 
maintenance garage, shower and locker 
room. She leaves him with old, gimpy Ed 
Fogleman, who got a leg caught in a 
mulchcr but won't quit. 

Sally goes back to her office, draws her 
third cup of black coffee of the day and 
gets back to her paperwork. 

She is Steiner Waste Control. She di- 
rects, controls, hires, fires, praises, be- 
rates, curses and occasionally comforts a 
crew of tough men, drivers and loaders 
who make a living from their strength 
and their sweat. They work hard (Sally 
sees to that) and they live hard. 

Big job. Stress. Tension. Dealing with a 
lot of hard-noses. But she thrives on it. 

She's doing OK—but it's not enough. 
Most people would consider Sally Steiner 
rich, but she’s not rich rich—which is all 
that counts. It's not for lack of trying: the 
want is there. But what Sally calls the Big 
Chance just hasn't come along. So she's 
playing the stock market: 1000 shares of 
this, 1000 shares of that. She makes a few 
bucks. So what? She knows the market is 
a crap shoot, but once tried, never 
denied. 


. 
The offices of Pistol & Burns, invest- 
ment bankers, on Wall Street look like a 
genteel but slightly frowsty gentlemen's 
dub. The paneled walls display antique 
hunting prints in brass frames. The car- 
peting seems ankle-deep. Employees tip- 
toe rather than walk and speak in 
whispers. Even the ring of telephones is 
muted to a polite buzz. The atmosphere 
bespeaks old wealth, and Timothy Cone 
(continued on page 166) 


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FASTFORWARD 


It’s Alan’s Job 


When Alan Zweibel graduated from college іп 
1972, he was in a quandary: Should he be a come- 
dy writer or a lawyer? “That decision was ulti- 
made for me by every law school І applied 

to,” he admits. Law's loss has been comedy's gain: 
Zweibel was one of the original 

writers on Safurday ht Live, 

the author of Emmy-winning 

specials for Steve Martin, Paul 

Simon and the Beach Boys, 

and a co-writer of the 

movie version of Dragnet. 

Currently, he’s the pro- 

ducer and a frequent 

writer for It’s Garry 

Shandling’s Show, 

the inventive cable- 

TV series that re- 


“Beach volleyball got some great exposure 
in that scene with Tom Cruise in Top Gun.” says 
Sinjin Smith. “Although looking at it from a pro- 
fessional standpoint, their game was a little weak.” 
Smith, 31, should know— the sandy-haired Califor- 
nian is the worlds reigning beach-volleyball 
champion and the most successful player in the 
sports history "When I started." Smith recalls, “a 
player made almost nothing.” Only recently did 
the prize money become competitive with other 
pro sports, so Smith learned early on how to sup- 


ж 


cently expanded 
to medium time 


plement his income. His sportswear line is expect- 
ed to gross $8,000,000 this year, and his well-toned 
63" frame is much in demand as a model. “My 
size is an advantage as an athiete, but not as 

a model.” he says. “Clients are afraid I'm too 

big for their clothes." His size hardly deters the 1% 
games groupies. who occasionally pester Smith 
with an unusual request. "They'll ask me to auto- 
graph their. uh. reais.” he says. "They're so oiled 
up that thats the only part of their body the pen 
will write on. --ЧАЕНАКІМ 


on the fledg- 

ling Fox net- 

work. Success, of 

course, has not 

meant that com- 

edy comes easily. 

“It's very, very hard 

work,” maintains Zweibel, 37. “There are times 
when you're just not funny.” Zweibel might have 
made it tough for himself with one of his very 
first career decisions. Just days after he was 
asked to join S.N.L., an experimental show with 
actors he’d never heard of, he got an offer for a 
much easier life: writing the questions and bluff 
answers for Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares. 
“This was a genuine dilemma at the time,” he 
explains, So he asked his parents for advice. 
“My mother said, ‘Which one will. you have 
more fun doing?’ I chose Saturday Night Live.” 
Thanks, Mom. —MATTHEW SMITH 


BONNE SCHIFFMAN 


though race-car driver 
Lyn St. James has set 
an impressive 13 closed- 
course speed records, it’s 


24 at Daytona, St 
James started 
driving at the 
оде of 14 on 


not the thrill of speed that gets her f rural Ohio 
on the course. “A lot of people have | roads with her 
this stupid idea that there's a death | mother. "I 


wish there. Its not true,” says St. 
James, 38. “As a kid, I was terrified 
to ride a roller coaster. It's the chol- 
lenge, the ability to control some- 
thing powerful.” A Fort Lauderdale 
resident ond the first-place GTO- 
140 class winner of last year's Sun Bank 


wasn't one of those car nuts who 
love to tear a car apart” she ad- 
mits. “It's only the driving that | en- 
joy.” Besides racing, St. James plays 
classical piano and lectures on safe 
driving. "The race track is c pure 
competitive environment," she says. 


“You're not defined by sex or soci- 
ety's rules on gender.” But occa- 
sionally, she admits, “the same 
people you may go neck to neck, 
thunder to thunder with, may—off 
the trock—open the door for 


—AMY ENGELER 


POMPEO POSAR 


GOOD 
MORNING, D.C. 


Its been a phenomenal year. First the 
Iran/Contra affair, then Bork, the stock- 
market crash, the budget and now the 
4 elections,” says Cokie Roberts, Na- 
tional Public Radios Congressional 
correspondent. “But, God, its 
hard on the body.” Roberts, 44, 
has hung out with politicians since 
she was small. Her father, the late Repre- 
sentative Hale Boggs, served from New Or- 
leans for 28 years until his death іп а 1972 plane crash 
in Alaska. Her mother, Lindy Boggs, was elected to her late 
husbands seat, which she still holds. “There are things | know 
that I don't even know that I know,” says Roberts. Her reports are 
tough and direct, more probing than most newspaper accounts, and be- 
cause of it, she is well respected in the field—certainly by The New York 
Times’ chief White House correspondent, Steven Roberts, who happens to 
be her husband. “The Capitol is the smallest town in America,” she says. 
“Each morning, you pass everyone, from the policeman to people in Con: 
gress, who have all listened to you. You have to be fair!’ “In election 
years, | do a tremendous amount of traveling, at 
least until we know whats happening,” 
she says. “Some years, we can pack 
up early— but this is not one of 
those years.” — AMY ENGELER 


Whether you dismiss New Age music as Muzak for tone 
deaf burnouts or think of it as the ultimate in nonpre- 
scription relaxation, you have to agree that Japanese 
synthesist Kitaro is one of New Age's leading lights. 
In Japan, his album sales excceded 3,000,000, but 
to Kitaro, 34, that was not enough, “International 
distribution has always been my dream,” he con- 
fesses. That dream came closer to reality with a 
multi-album deal with Geffen Records. In fact, 
Kitaro's American sales lave neared the 
2,000,000 mark, led by his latest album, The 
Light of the Spirit. His music may seem 
soothing and tranquil, but his work 
habits are not. “Му equipment is always 
turned on 
starts work on an album, "I go with 
one or two hours of sleep a day 
and totally lose track of tim 
This can go on for two or three 
months.” IF his methods 
seem brutal and extreme, 
his philosophy, atleast, is as 
pure New Age as his mu- 
Ay goal,” says Ki- 
taro, “is to express the 
feelings inside me so 
as to make music with 
a message that can 
help the world 

in some way.” 

— LAWRENCE SUTIN 


he says, and when he 


sic. 


BONNIE SCHFFNAN 


PLAYBOY 


142 


JUDGE REINHOLD continued from page 125) 


“Т have a Stetson that I like to wear around the house, 
buch-ass naked. My wife finds that endearing.” 


flirting with me, much to my chagrin. And 
as we drove through these orange groves, a 
wonderful cloud of orange fragrance waft- 
cd in through the windows. He sniffed and 
asked me, "Ooh, whats that?” I said, Its 
the orange blossoms.” He said [slyly 
thought you'd farted.” And I'm, like, 
watching the road signs, thinking, Thirty 
more miles, 25 more miles. .. . 


5. 


pravsoy: What were you thinking about 
during your famous masturbation scene in 
Fast Times at Ridgemont High? 

REINHOLD: [Grinning] Oh, you'll never 
know. My wife asked me that, too. And 1 
said, “You, of course.” But she'll never 
know, either. Actually, I remember not re- 
alizing the true implication of what I was 
going to do that day in the bathroom until 
I was there kneeling on the toilet. The di- 
rector, Amy Heckerling, said to me, “Just 
treat this as your first real love scene—only 
its with just yourself.” 

Yeah, the “flogging the dolphin” scene 
has gotten me into some pretty embarrass- 
ing situations since. I was waiting to board 
an airplane, standing in line with, like, 200 
people. [hese two Gls walked by me and 
one said to the other, “Theres that guy who 
jerked off?” Yt was like they'd just seen me in 
a bathroom on the concourse. 

[Sighs] My mother and I have yet to talk 
about that scene. Also, its the only time I 
was ever grateful my dad died before I 
made my success. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: The dream sequence that preced- 
ed that scene had you in black tie embrac- 
ing a topless Phoebe Cates as she emerged 
from a pool. Was that the privilege most 
guys think it was? 

REINHOLD: I felt extremely fortunate. It was 
just astounding. You know what, though? 
At the moment, when it goes on, you just 
feel really embarrassed. It's rumored that 
George С. Scott, when he had to get into 
bed with an actress for a love scene, told 
her, “I apologize if I get an erection and I 
apologize if I don't.” I'd love to know if that 
storys true. I can relate. 

But Phoebe found new respect for me, 
because after the desired effect, I put ту 
arm up—she thought to shelter her nudity. 
But actually, 1 did it so that 1 wouldn't be 
upstaged. As it was, that was a pretty 
paranoid day for her. There were pho- 
tographers on the roof. She was getting a 
little tired of being exploited. As a result of 
that scene, most guys in America have the 
idea that maybe 1 did sleep with Phoebe. 1 
have to tell you, I enjoy that speculation. 


* 


t what moment did you stop be- 
ing gullible? 

REINHOLD: I still am. If I werent working 
now, Га be bitter and angry. Butas long as 
I'm working, its tough to get jaded, 
though I remember an experience that 
made me feel less gullible. [ was sitting 
down at the Universal casting office, which 
is unique, because instead of separate 
offices for different shows, everybody sits 
in the same room, waiting to go in to dif- 
ferent auditions. So you sit there with sev- 
en vikings and three fat women and so on. 
I happened to be sitting next to this guy, 
laughing at all the different types waiting 
together, Then [ realize that the guy I'm 
sitting next tois Tom Hanks. It dawned on 
us that we were both a type, too. The same 
type. Fortunately, that's the only time we've 
met. I haven't seen him since. 


8. 


pLayBoy: Tell us your cinematic dreams. 
REINHOLD: Oh, you know what? I do have 
those dreams, it's true. For instance, I'm 
dying to do one of those surfing process 
shots. where Fm riding the surfboard. my 
hair is not moving at all and you can 
almost see someone off camera thro 
water on me. Thats a big Hollywood 
dream of mine. 

I also want to do the scene where youre 
supposed to meet the girl at the Berlin 
train station. You see her at one end of the 
platform and you're at the other end and, 
as you start walking toward each other, the 
SS men come and grab you and you have 
to march right past her without looking at 
her, or else they'll grab her, too. That's a 
great scene. I've seen a couple of versions 
and they are really hot. 

I have a great album I listen to all the 
time of cowboy-crooner songs. lt always 
makes me want Lo ride off into the sunset 
оп a horse, whistling. Thats another of my 
big movie dreams. I don't need the girl 
here. I just want to whistle. 


24 


н.лувоу: You're 6/2”. Burden us with your 
sartorial plight as a "big-and-tall man.” 

REINHOLD: My father was 6'4" and I didn't 
want to be that tall. I did everything І 
could to stunt my growth, but it didn't 
work. My wardrobe options are hopelessly 
limited. Forget hip clothes from Melrose 
Avenue or English clothes, for instance. 
And shoes may be my biggest problem. I 
wear a size 13. Now, if I do see a shoe I like 
and I'm lucky enough that it comes in my 
size, it never actually looks like the one 1 
¢ It looks like a kayak. On 


me, cowboy boots look like two pontoons; 
Converse high-top All Stars make me look 
like I'm from Ringling Brothers. My favor- 
ite pair are bowling shoes that | stole from 
a bowling alley: I went in with shitty shoes 
and I thought it was an even trade. I'm 
sure they didn't. 

Hats, too. 1 tried wearing а beret and | 
looked like a horses ass. I fancy myself as a 
guy who looks good in hats, but my wife 
assures me I look like a complete and utter 
fool. She begs me not to wear them in pub- 
lic. She does, however, allow me to wear my 
hats at home. I have a Stetson that 1 like to 
wear around the house, buck-ass naked. 
She finds that endearing. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: You and your wife lived together 
before getting nuptial. Who brought up 
marriage first and what changed when you 
married your roommate? 
REINHOLD: What changed? Well, the bath- 
room doors were already open before we 
got married. People like Dr. Ruth are say- 
ing now that you should keep the door 
closed, that there's a dangerous possi 
of get too familiar, which could 
ish sexual attraction. I hope that’s not true. 

I recently asked Carrie why she thinks 
we've been together for six years, and she 
said it's because she has a bad memory. She 
has been very patient with me, because— 
as much as I love her—after about two 
years of marriage now, I'm just getting 
comfortable with the idea. Sometimes 1 
become paralyzed with a fear of becoming 
like Carl Betz on The Donna Reed Show. It 
doesnt have to be that way. I realize that 
I'm projecting my ideas of what marriage 
is onto our relationship, instead of just see- 
ing that it is unique on its own. Its the 
specter of marriage that I'm trying to get 
past. 

So it probably will sound strange to 
learn that I proposed to her. I was doing a 
film in Toronto and she was working in Eu- 
rope. We were both pretty miserable in our 
own respective ways, and I proposed over 
а transatlantic phone call that had a terri- 
ble echo. She heard me three times. She 
thought I was repeating, but 1 swear it was 
an ccho. All she said was, “Oh, boy, this is 
how it starts.” She, too, had a healthy cau- 
tion about getting married, but she also 
knew she wanted to do it very much. She 
was scared and thrilled. When we got back 
together, I told her I was kidding. But she 
held me to it. 


11. 


рілувоу: Divulge your secret talents. 
REINHOLD: І can laugh like Ed McMahon. 
You gotta hear it. [Demonstrates at length, 
sounding as though he had coughed up a 
lung] It's accurate only when you feel like 
you've almost induced а brain hemor- 
rhage. I did it on The Tonight Show and Ed 
a good sport about it 

-e's see. I can also execute amazing 
U-turns anyplace. What else? Something | 
like to call power lounging. Its basically 


wa 


“I swear Dll never tell a soul; and if you get caught, 
1 won't talk to the media or write a book.” 


143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


state-of-the-art flipping of the TV remote 
control to find just the right crummy 
movie. Always knowing who makes the 
best pizza to be delivered. Chasing your 
wife around the house. Yep, power loung- 
ing—thats my sport. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: We understand that your first job 
in LA. was selling frozen yogurt to the 
stars. Would you reveal some celebrity 
flavor biases? 
REINHOLD: ГІП never forget: Sean Connery 
would just say, “I'll have the peach.” I 
vays prayed that he didnt want chocolate, 
because the nozzle on the yogurt machine. 
was cracked and the stuff would come out 
looking like rolls of shit. When Robert Пе 
Niro came in, I wanted to be straight with 
im, since 1 admired him so much. But it 
was painfully obvious that 1 was in awe оГ 
him, because 1 told The peach is 
pretentious. The chocolate is mundane. 


The brownies are stale.” He said, "I'll take 
a brownie.” It cost 75 cents and I rang up 
$75. I made him so ncrvous he never came 
back. 

But most of my customers were preg- 
nant women and people in Gucci jogging 
suits who instead of worl ош would just 
come eat yogurt. That would be their 
workout. 1 remember writing to my 
friends back East that I was working in a 
yogurt store in L.A. They just shook their 
heads and said, "He's gone, he’s gone.” 

But it was my little store: I opened it up 
in the morning, full of neighborhood 
pride. 1 was like Mister Rogers—Mr. 
Smoothee. The only unseemly thing that 
ever happened was the day this crazy man 
came in. He started slapping the faces of 
imaginary women lined along the wall. My 
lady customers were really petrified by 
him, and so was 1, because the guy was 
psychotic. I told him people were asking 
for him outside and he left. 1 locked the 


“You mustrit take vermouth out of 
context, Ben. What you've done here would 
have been fine in the context of a rob roy or even a 
manhattan, but Pm afraid you're way out of 
line in the context of a martini.” 


door and called the cops. I'm sure he was 
an agent, right? 


13. 


PLAYBOY: In Vice Versa, you play a dad for 
the first timc. Haye you noticed any real 
paternal instincts rumbling inside? 

oc: It’s funny. 1 started getting them 
the production. I have a great rela- 
tionship with Fred Savage, the ten-year-old 
boy who plays my son. So much so that 1 
began getting these feelings every once in 
a while of just wanting to protect him and 
take care of him. They are new feelings, I 
assure you. Lam petrified of having kids, 
because I want to do it well. Carrie says Га 
probably steal their toys. She may be hint- 
ing that Fm immature. I relate 10 kids 
оп their own level. My kids will probably 
grow up reckless but with a great sense of 
humor. 

My father was 56 when I was born, so we 
didn’ play a lot of football. He was a 
lawyer—humorless and very impatient. | 
walked on eggshells a lot. It was kind of 
oppressive in the house. I have a bad self- 
esteem problem and ту father probably 
day, I don't relax well. 
He once looked at me very seriously when 1 
was about 15 and had whipped cream 
smeared all over myself. He said, like real- 
ly checking me out, “You'd do anything for 
a laugh, wouldn't you?" I've never forgot- 
ten it, because it’s truc, I don't have to 
prove myself am mor 

But the thing I did love about шу fathe 
was that he cut a pretty romantic figure, to 
my way of thinking. He ca 
Gatsby era. He graduated from Harvard 
Law School in the Thirties. He was a gen- 
Ueman farmer and had a great presenc 
the courtroom. It was an unspoken 
but I think he did appreciate my becoming 
an actor, because he thought it was almost 
his legacy, that I inherited his capacity to— 
1 dont know— pull people in somehow. 1 
think he was proud of that. 


M. 


riavnoy; What advice would you give the 


REINHOLD: Well, that’s dangerous. I know 
them and they really resent the sebriquet 
I guess my advice would simply be: Dress 
down. 


15. 


r N h Does it ever amaze you that you're 
in the same business as Jerry Lewis? 

кихнов: [Laughs] I have a great story, 
which Pm sure is apocr yphal, told to me 
by one of Jerrys former writers. This was 
when Jerry was really young and used to 
practical jokes. He called up all of his 
writers at, like, three o'clock in the me 
ing and screamed, “I got a great idea! You 
gotta come ovah here right now!" They go 
‘over, open the door. and in the dark, they 
see him standing on the kitchen table, 
naked, with a match in the hole of his dick. 
He lit the match and went, “Look!” He got 


PLAYBOY 


146 


them out of bed for that. 

When Ruthless People opened at a film 
festival in France, I got a call from re- 
porters there who said 1 was being com- 
pared to Jerry Lewis. And because this was 
France on the line, I considered it a terrific 
compl nt, what with all the regard they 
have for him there. But his is really the an- 
tithesis of my approach to comedy. I love 
comedy that comes out of a situation, nota 
slapstick routine. There's a certain finesse 
1 uy to muster that doesnt look like Im 
doing it for the camera. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: With a nod to the deodorant com- 
mercial, give us your version of the three 
nevers in Hollywood. 

REINHOLD: OK. First, never ride behind 
somebody who is making a deal on a car 
phone. Second, never seriously say, “Let's 
do lunch,” or people will think you're a 
real garbanzo. And finally, never, never 
make fun of a movie youre watching if you 
dont know who's in the theater with you. 
Odds are that the guy sitting behind you 
worked on it. Real embarrassing. 


17. 


pLayaov: Tell us your favorite actor jokes. 

kemaan: Ive got a few. Whats the 
difference between a dead dog and a dead 
agent on the highway? There are skid 
marks in front of the dog. [Langhs] In a 
similar vein, here's an infamous actor joke: 


This actor comes home, finds the door 
wide open, looks around and sees that the 
place has just been devastated. He walks 
upstairs to the bedroom and hears a noise 
coming from the closet. He opens the door, 
and there's his wife—beaten, bruised, tied 
and violated. He pulls off this piece of tape 
from her mouth and says, “Who did this?” 
She says, “Your agent!” And he says, “He 
came to the house? 

А struggling-actor joke: I here are three 
new arrivals in heaven who find, astound- 
ingly enough, that their stature up there is 
ided by how much money they made 
down on earth. Which is kind of discour- 
aging to realize. Anyway, Saint Peter asks 
the first guy how much he made, and the 
guy says $300,000 a year. Saint Peter says, 
“Oh, you must have been a doctor.” The 
guy says, “That's right.” The second guy 
says he made $175,000. Saint Peter say 
“You must have been a lawyer" He says, 


“That's right.” A third guy says, “I made 
$4752 last year.” Saint Peter says. “Oh 


there anything | ht have seen you in 

Here's my favorite one: A director and a 
studio executive are walking through the 
desert, trying to find an oasis for a movie 
location. They finally come across one and 
it’s just this idyllic setting with a spring bur- 
bling up the most beautiful, clear water. 
Suddenly, the studio executive pulls out hi: 
pecker and starts relieving himself in the 
water. The director sees this and says, 
“What do you think you're doing?” And 


“Since you freed me from my hostilities, I'm getting 
laid more often than I want to.” 


the studio executive 
to improve it for you 


18. 


praypoy: What's more challenging—come- 
dy or se: 
REINHOLD: Comedy is more of a challenge; 
sex is a relief. They can mix, though. Hu- 
mor in sex is it! Completely. Sometimes, I 
have to try real hard not to start laughing: 
hysterically. Like the second after an or- 
gasm, you sometimes look down to see the 
ridiculous position you're in, and that's al- 
ways extremely amusing. Before I got mar- 
ried, some girls found that charming and 
other girls found it really upsetting and 
obnoxious that I would burst out laughing 
Sometimes, Га really try hard not to. 1 
mean, I'd get really red in the face. But it 
seemed so funny, when that animal passion 
leaves vou and youre suddenly just—an 
animal, 


ays, “I was just trying 


19. 


тілүйоу: How strange is your fan mail? 
REINHOLD: 1 got my first letter asking for 
money, which was pretty funny It came 
from a family in Tennessee who wrote that 
they thought I looked like a real nice guy 
and that they needed a new roof and could 
І please send money and not let them 
down, because they were sure when they 
saw me that I was for real. I didni feel like 
1 had to go that far to prove that I was 
sincere. 

І get a surprising amount of mail from 
Japanese girls, more so than from Ameri- 
can girls. Fast Times was huge in Japan. 
And their letters are beautifully poetic, 
One wrote, “I would drown in an ocean of 
your smiles.” I remember just staring at 
that for 20 minutes, astounded. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: Whats the most pain you've en- 
dured on camera? 

RrıxHOLD: Oh, there's been а lot of pain, a 
lot of bruises. But that’s what comedy is all 
about. If 1 go home with bruises, | feel like 
I've done my job. Really, I don't mind it. 
Plus, I get some sympathy from my wife. 

My scenes with Bette Midler in Ruthless 
People probably were the most painful. She 
throws herself into a take with such aban- 
don that sometimes she doesn't know how 
involved she gets. Bette really grabbed my 
hair and kicked me in the shin, hard. And 
the scary thing was, I knew she was gonna 
do it—I know her. But I tried not to antici- 
pate it and, sure enough, goddamn it, she 
grabbed my fucking hair and kicked me in 
the shin. But I got her back: In another 
scene, I had to lie on top of her on the 
kitchen floor when she was pregnant. She 
was freaked out about it. 

You know she plans to do a sequel to 
What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? She 
wants to call it This Is What Happened to 
Baby Jane. She told me it was just so that 
she сап say the line, “Eat your ral, 
Blanche!” 


8 


МІНІ uus 


“Unlike most comedians, Leno requires no periods for 
torturous self-psyching before facing an audience.” 


Davis Jr. Hey! I'm gonna Ну off to Caesars, 
hey! Very funny, isn't it? Very stupid. 

I find Leno, on this significant day, 
Tonight Show dressing room, in backstage 
Burbank, sprawled on a couch. He is мсаг- 
inga ratty denim work shi 
im jeans and ratty shit-kicking boots. Т 
II Leno ever wears, unless he happensto 
be on stage or on camera, in which case һе 
adorns himself in oversized shiny blazers 
and thin Day-Glo ties—cartoon Leno 
clothes, Technicolor comedy props He 
greets me, brandishing one of the two ош- 
moded telephones at his disposal. “Dial 
phones!” he bleats incredulously. “Isn't thi 
hysterical?” Leno finds amusement any- 
where. 

Fred de Cordova, the septuagenarian 
executive producer of the program, glides 
in. Lank and elegant, with an Acapulcan 
tan, he has come by to check up on his 
charge. 

DE CORDOYA: Young man! 

LENO: [Snapping to attention] Yessir. 

DE corpova: Have you read your notes 
for tonight? 

Leno: [Unconvincingly] Yessir, all set! 

DE corpova: Now, look me in the eye and 
say that! 

Lexo: [Dog-paddling] Oh, the notes! Uh, 
yeah, yeah. Got a little busy in here today, 
boss. Didn't have much of a chance to take 
a lool at em. Uh, I think they uh, they 
fell behind the couch! Thats what hap- 
pened! 

Leno has difficulty taking such show- 
business minutiae seriously He substitutes 
for Carson, the absentee despot, more than 
50 times a year, a responsibility he calls 
"the easiest day job Ie ever had.” On 
these occasions, he noses his motorcycle in- 
to the great man's parking spot (the one 
nearest the door) and, three hours later, 
mission accomplished, he takes a powder. 
Legend has it that the first time he guest 
hosted, NBC security nearly had the Leno 
cycle towed from the premises. But that 
has all been straightened out, so that now, 
оп the days when he is expected to storm 
the parking lot, a piece of cardboard with 
his name is slapped over Carson's perma- 
nent allocation. “It’s so stupid,” says Leno. 

After De Cordova's exit, Leno rehearses 
his monolog, which he alone writes, read- 
ing it from cue cards. “I spoke to my stock- 
broker yesterday” he recites. "I said, 
"Waiter"" He does six more minutes of 
new material, then goes into make-up and 
emerges, made up. He performs the 
monolog for 500 members of the studio 
audience and, to fill out the hour, yammers 
with couch occupants Marilu Henner, 
Fred Dryer, Anita Pointer and the little kid 
from Family Ties. He then returns to his 


dressing room and again changes gar- 
ments as the producers give an apprecia- 
tive post-mortem. Seconds later, he flees 
for Las Vegas. 

Leno takes the wheel of his manager's 
Mercedes-Benz, while his manager, Jer- 
rold Н. Kushnick, a large, solicitous white- 
haired man, whom Leno calls Kush, piles 
into the passenger seat for the ride to the 
Burbank airport. The Tonight Show taping 
ended at 6:30; the Las Vegas flight departs 
at seven o'clock. Leno, for whom speed is 
primary, hurtles us through the maw of 
traffic, weaving and careening. “What are 
you doing?” Kush complains, clutching the 
dash. “Just because the light is green 
doesn't mean you can go 90!" 

Leno shrugs innocently and, in a de- 
tached manner, reviews his television per- 
formance, lingering only—and rather 
rhapsodically—over an ad lib he perpe- 
trated while interviewing the Family Ties 
kid. Supposedly an alphabet whiz, the kid 
agreed to have Leno test him with flash 
cards. When Leno flashed a Z, however, 
the kid identified it as an N. Leno, smelling 
opportunity, instantly turned the card оп 
its side, transforming the Z to an N—to 
hoots of audience approval. “I must ad 
mit,” Leno chuckles, “I very proud of 
that stupid ad lib.” That is the closest he ev- 
er comes to self-congratulation. In fact, he 
will re-enact the Z/N incident nearly a 
dozen times before the evening ends. 


VIVA LENO VEGAS! 

A thick layer of Burbank Pan-Cake still 
coats the magnificent anvillike Leno mug 
as we board our plane. There has been no 
time to swab it off after the show. “This is 
embarrassing,” he says self-consciously. 
“People think you walk around with make- 
up on all the time. They think, Oh, look at 
that asshole!” He does resemble an orange 
mime. Which reminds me of the time 
Marcel Marceau grabbed Leno's amazing 
jaw—true story—and enviously ex- 
claimed, "Wonderful face for the theater!" 
Leno is doubtful about that, an instinct 
colored, perhaps, by early warnings from 
casting directors who fretted that his looks 
would frighten children. Children, howev- 
er, are mesmerized by Leno; they are un- 
commonly fond of his commercials for 
tortilla chips. On this flight, in fact, a small 
boy presents him with a novelty airline 
badge. Leno immediately pins it on, beam- 
ing goonily. He then burrows into the stack 
of motorcycle magazines he carries with 
him at all times. 

He first played Vegas a decade ago. 
Opened for ‘Tom Jones. Recalls being in- 
trigued by Jones's night-life regimen. Aft- 
er shows, he would wander past Jones's 


suite and notice wild parties raging. Morn- 
ings, he would wander back past Jones's 
suite and notice the parties still raging. Re- 
calls going to the box office to get a friend 
house seats for his show. “Mr. Jones doesn't 
have an opening act, sir,” he was told. 

“No, I'm the opening act,” he explained. 

“Uh, sir, I don't think so,” he was told. 

He stopped playing Vegas. By choice. "I 
didn't want to come back until I could at 
least headline,” he says. “I don't mean that 
in a snobby way. But I'd rather go to little 
weeny places where people come to see 

u.” So he played little weeny places— 
clubs and such—a new one almost every 
night, across the map. He traveled, he slew, 
the legend of Leno grew: Two-and-a-half- 
hour sets! Two, three shows a night! More 
than 300 dates a year! The Bruce Spring- 
steen of comedy! The hardest-working 
white man in show business! 

^T always feel goofy riding in a limo,” 
says Leno, who, as it happens, is riding ina 
limo. It offends his gnawing Everyman 
sensibility. “Besides, people are disappoint- 
ed when they see it's only me.” 

The car, provided by Caesars Palace, 
purrs through the dry night, shuttling 
Leno to his 8:30 curtain. He will have not 
quite 15 minutes to spare, which for Leno 
isa surfeit of time. “Got plenty of time!” he 
sunnily asserts. Unlike most stand-up co- 
medians (and all other two-legged mam- 
mals), Leno requires no backstage periods 
for torturous self-psyching before facing 
an audience. Flop sweat is anathema to 
him. He knows no fear. 

Where else but Vegas can you see what 
now looms on the horizon? There on the 
Caesars Palace marquee . there, depict- 
ed by thousands of dancing fluorescent 
bulbs, billions of watts it’s Lenos face! 
Impossibly magnified and illuminated, the 
goony, retro-Stan Laurel grin blazes 
against the black desert sky. The lighted 
Leno macromandible alone is approxi- 
mately the size of three parallel-parked 
school buses. I cannot help recalling 
Leno's frequent self-description: “1 look 
like a big doofus guy" 

This is the final night of a weeklong en- 
gagement during which Leno has shared 
his bill with the musical mother-daughter 
country duo the Judds. “I like to go on 


first,” he says, answering the question I was 
about to ask. “Comedy should always go 
first.” The car nuzzles into a loading dock 
behind the hotel kitchen. He must per- 
form two one-hour sets, a task Leno will 


Vegas is very easy,” he says. 
greatest hits.” He snatches up his two ever- 
present travel bags (garment and duffel), 
which he permits no one to carry for him 
(ап Everyman prerogative), and plunges 
into the hotel catacombs hollering, “Bus 
Reilly’s back in town!” 


LENO'S GREATEST HITS 


Ме all have our favorites. I treasure the 
Small Airline Disaster joke for sentimental 
reasons. But there are so many others; 


PLAYBOY 


Mg 


chestnuts such as Lenos dichotomy of the 
sexes: "All men laugh at the Three Stooges 
and all women think they're shitheads 
And his response to Nancy Reagan's being 
given a humanitarian award: “I'm glad she 
beat out that conniving bitch Mother 
Teresa.” On network coverage of the Pres 
dent intestinal afflictions: “| tell me 
he's gonna he OK! I don't need Dan Rather 
every night with that proctocamera shou 
ing, ‘We can see the polyp now!" On Iran / 
Contra prosecutor Arthur Liman’s hair 
wisps: “That was probably the biggest 
cover-up of the entire scandal!” On the 
preponderance of evil twins on series tele- 
“Му favorite was the Knight Rider 
episode where Michael Knight is forced to 
do battle evil twin. I knew it was 
his real twin, because this guy couldn't act, 
either.” On National Condom Week: “Boy, 
theres a parade you don't want to mis 
On the welcome return of full-figured 
women: “Ever make love with a skinny 
girl? You always get strange problems. 
[In a girlish voice] "Му back broke.” On 
Stallone and Schwarzenegger: “They've 
opened up the acting profession to a lot of 
people who couldnt get into it when 
speech was a major requirement.” On 
sticky endearments: “I live in Hollywood, 
where you have all those dramatic types 
who introduce themselves, ‘Hi, I'm Susan, 
and this is my lover, Bob! My lover? Shut 
up! Why don't you just lie down and do it 
for us right now!" 


hey, what did 


I could go on forever, bui 
you pay to get in here, anyw 


JUST A MATERIAL GUY 


The Leno canon is prodigious, a bottom- 
less inventory of PG-rated irony and bom- 
bast, and it has made him a millionaire. Не 
lives to make fun of, to identify absurdit 
For that, he is revered and well loved. Hi 
comic brethren line up to touch the hem of 
his tattered jeans. They scek out his advice. 
and encouragement, which he delights іп 
dispensing, usually during informal sum- 
mit meetings that he hosts in his home late 
at night, in the blue-cathode glow of his 
wide-screen Mitsubishi television. Father 
Comedy, they call him. He presides over a 
Eucharist of popcorn and Doritos, wield- 
ing the remote control like a scepter. And, 
with his knee jangling uncontrollably (his 
only pronounced tic), he pontificates. 

“T used to call them the Sermons on the 
Mount," says comedian Кеуіп Rooney 
close Leno confidant. “He gets a big kick 
out of doing this. Its usually midnight or 
o'clock, and Mavis [the good Leno 
fe] has gone to sleep. He will sit on 
s couch and we'll all be on the other 
couches—Larry Miller, Jerry Seinfeld, 
Dennis Miller, myself. You have to watch 
The Tonight Show and Letterman, those are 
your school, sort of technique things. 
‘Then Leno will fly around the cable dial, 
all 100 stations, at a blinding speed. Its a 
psychotic experience. Just as you start to 


“Bul, sir, this isn't even my table.” 


look at something, he's moved on to some- 
thing else. If there's not a joke there or 
something interesting to make fun of, it's 
sone. Click 

Seinfeld adds, “One great Leno line 
"Props—the enemy of wit’ And whenever 
we're watching someone do a shot on Car- 
son or Letterman, he's always snapping his 
fingers and going. ‘Jokes! Jokes! Jokes? 
Because thats his philosophy: You've got 
10 have a steady rhythm of jokes that yor 
can snap your fingers to. It's not so much 
that vou understand the lyries, but i 
to be good to dance to. Ultimately 
feld says, “he wants everyone to do exactly 
as he does—only less well.” 

I beg Leno to impart his comedic theo- 
ries, “All that counts are the jokes,” he says. 
“You're only as goud as the jokes you tell,” 
he says. “Give us the good jokes,” he 
ас Letterman likes, what Johnny li 
ays, add 


what I like are jokes,” he 


like people who do joke 

Now, let me see if I've got this straight, 

^| never want to have a hook or be 
known for anything other than new jokes,” 
he says. 1 always liked Robert Klein, 
because he never had a gimmick; every 
body else had an oddball character or 
expression or a catch phrase. Whencvei 
work out, hed go to the catch 
which is ОК. But 10 me, Klein al- 
ways had just material, He was never the 
man from space or the wacky guy or the 
Jewish guy from the mountains or whatev- 
er it may have been. He was always just a 


n 


ISM 15 NO JOKE 


Vegas dressing 
room, reading his mail. He has just 
stepped out the door to do his 11:30 set. 
The letter in my hand, scrawled on loose- 
leaf paper, is from a fan who, no doubt 
with jovial intention, chose to sign off with 
the mock warning, “Stay on the lookout for 
scheming look- 
n the dressing 
room suddenly blares with the Tonight 
Show theme music, followed by Doc 
Severinsen’s voice-over announcing the 
scheduled guests. At the same time, Î hear 
the Caesars Circus Maximus showroom 
emcee rattling off a list of upcoming 
events, 1 al synchrony, Doc 
and the Caesars emcee—matching syllable 
for syllable—introduce Leno. On the TV, 
eno lopes out through the Burbank cur- 

? у from me, Leno 


10 speak at the same time. A 
couple of stagehands, sensing the utter pe- 
culiarity of the moment, wander in and 
stand with me in front of the TV. 

“This is amazing,” says one. 

“How can he be in two places at once?’ 
says the other. 1 look at the fan letter and 
say nothing. 


Lenos Беј 


MIGHTY JAN. YOUNG 


On stage, Leno will imitate his parents 
in broad strokes, but according to those 


who know them, the portrayals аге aston- 
ishingly truthful. Angelo, his father, is a 
t-generation Italian-American, а most 
Joe, now retired, who flogged 
ance policies and delivered rip-snort- 
ing monologs at conventions, always in a 
booming voice. His mother, Catherine, is a 
Scot with a wry burr and an all-consuming 
urge to cook. Their elder son, Patrick, a 
scholarly introvert, graduated from Har- 
vard Law School and currently traffics in 
insurance. The second and only other 
Leno sibling, known to family as Jamie, із 
ten years younger and, genes being what 
they are, is his brother's opposite. 

His mother was 40 when she discovered 
the embryonic presence of James Douglas 
Muir Leno, comedy fetus. He emerged in 
1950. Mavis Leno describes a baby picture 
of her husband. “Even as a little baby, his 
face is just popping with mischief. He had 
the curly black hair and eyes that were 
extremely almond-shaped. You can se 
that there is some kind of forceful person- 
ality just dying to emerge.” 

Early flashes of the Leno we know; As a 
tot, at the family home in y Rochelle, 
New York, he slides down a banister 
to surprise his mothers bridge party 
and ruptures his spleen. ("Even then, he 
had this give-me-an-audience bug," says 
Mavis) Another time, he faces a coven of 
his aunts and asks, 
have camel humps?” 


“How come women 
They pinken and 


squeal. Kids teasingly accuse him of hav- 
ing a hard head and he happily indulges 
their mirth by allowing one to conk his 
cranium with a hammer, (“Ow!” he remi 
nisces. "My head would hurt so much 
His family moves to Andover, Massachu- 
setts, where, at school, he Aushes tennis 
balls down toilets and stulls dogs into 
lockers, and when a teacher, discussing 
Robin Hood, informs his class that in those 
times, boiling was a common torture, Leno 
postulates, “They couldnt boil Tuck. He 
was a friar.” 


WHAI LENO REMEMBERS. 


Leno remembers everything he has 
done that has got a reaction, by which һе 
means a positive reaction, by which he 
means jokes that have worked. "I me: 
that's what comedy is,” he says. He remem- 
bers the first joke he ever told on stage, at 
the Bitter End in New York, early in his 
collegiate years (he attended Emerson in 
Boston, studying speech, because the final 
was oral). This is the joke: At his dormito- 
ry, you could have girls in your room, and 
liquor in your room, and drugs in your 
room; there was only one thing you 
couldn't have in your room, and that was a 
hot plate. “Hey,” he says now, "T was only in 
the business a week. 

Leno remembers driving to New York 24 
times before “getting on” at The Original 
Improvisation, a stand-up Valhalla. That 
was a frenetic period, during which he 


would attend morning classes at Emerson, 
then slog away alternoons doing odd jobs 
for a Boston Rolls-Royce/Mercedes-Benz 
dealership. He was known for pulling up 
at the Improv in a different Rolls each 
night. After graduation, he set out on a 
dues-paying odyssey of East Coast strip 
clubs and college gigs and laffete 
Comedians working the Boston Playboy 
Club—Billy Crystal, Richard Le d- 
dic Prinze—often crashed in Lenos apart 
ment, a hovel whose most distinctive 
feature was the gaping hole left in a wall 
alter Prinze punctured it with 300 rounds 
of live ammunition. Then, іп 1975, after 
watching a weak stand-up shot on The 
Tonight Show, Leno screwed up his 
courage and flew to L.A. the next morn- 
ing. That first night, he got on at The 
Comedy Store and afterward slept fitfully 
on the clubs back stairs. He stayed on in 
L.A. and soon befriended Letterman of 
Indianapolis, himself a migrant stand-up. 
Together, they championed an attitude of 
rarefied sarcasm that would much later 
define an era in American comedy. 

One evening, however, the great Carson 
dropped by the L.A. Improv and, after 
watching Leno work, lectured to him 
Leno remembers, “Не said, ‘You're a fun- 
ny young man, but you're not ready for my 
show. You need more jokes to be on TV. 
You can't just go up there and do attitude 
sufi? He was real straightforward and 


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PLAYBOY 


helpful. I said, “Thanks a lot.’ Then I went 
outside and egged his car.” 


1. ROBOCOMIC 


There is no way of knowing whether he 
does this for my benefit, but while waiting 
to board our опе лм. return flight to Los 
Angeles, Leno begins to limp exaggerat- 
edly around the gate area. Lugging his 
right leg like a stump, he hobbles up to 
ап attendant, tells her something, then 
rejoins me, where I sit guarding his bags. 
“I told her I've got a bad leg," he says, 
grinning. “We can preboard now.” 

Leno will go to any extreme to secure 
overhead storage bins. It is his obsession. 
Leno lives on planes, though he has only 
recently learned to sleep on them. ‘Tonight, 
however, he reads and chats and shows me 
m in Newsweek about George Bush 
g Baby Jessica after her dramatic 
rescue from the Texas well. “This is what 
Amer * Bush is quoted as saying, 
referring to the valiant effort. 

Leno chortles, “Like the Swiss would let 
her die!” He spies me scanning an itinerary 
of his bookings. “Can I see thai? Oh, 
Christ," he sighs. “Гус got so much stuff to 
do, dont 12" He seems tired for the first 
time all night. "It's almost scary to look at 
thi 


His itineraries are notorious not only for 
their sheer congestion but for their non- 


sensical routing. In a typical five-day 
period, he will serpentine from New 
Hampshire to Toronto to Orlando to Santa 


Clara to Atlanta. He thinks nothing of 
playing San Juan one night, Atlant 
the next. Honolulu today, Cle 
tomorrow. Whenever I try to commiserate 
th him, however, he grows defen: 
“It’s not hard,” he says soberly. “Anybody 
making money іп show business has no 
right to complain.” Which he never does. 
He boasts, instead, of never having gone a 
week without performing. Last summer, 
while making the yctunreleased cop 
movie Collision Course in Detroit, he would 
charter flights out at night in order to 
fulfill concert dates and fresh. On 
infrequent nights off, he works out at com- 
edy clubs. He has never taken a vacation— 
he relaxes poorly. In his lifetime, he b 
consumed one beer, an experience he dis- 
liked and chose never to repeat. (Rumcake 
reduces him to stupefaction.) 

He loves the ironman attitude,” says 
Kevin Rooney. “He'd be happy if he could 
do comedy as an eight-hour workday. He 
likes being a journeyman. Besides, he 
doesn't do normal stuff like have a cup of 
coffee or a cigarette or a beer. His impulses 
аге not human ones; 

Jerry Seinfeld says, “He doesn't eat like 
humans, he doesnt sleep or work like 
humans, he doesn't think like humans. Im 
sure if you caught him at some unguarded 
moment, you would see a panel fall open 
on his chest to reveal wires and electrodes. 


150 He is Robocomic.” 


LENO IN LOVE 


Perhaps you saw it. The cover line on 
last year’s second-lowest-selling issue of 
People magazine facetiously declared 
Leno, pictured with smirk, “THE sexiest 
May ative.” But don't laugh too abruptly: 
Leno understands women. 

Isat with him one night as he counseled 
a friend racked with marital problems. 
Leno, in order to make a point, peppered 
him with leading questions: “How is she 
wearing her hair? When was the last time 
she changed it? What color are her fucking 
eyes? When was the last time you talked 
with her—really talked? When was the last 
time you took her flowers? look her to the 
movies? Went out to dinner? You're being 
selfish! Hey, I'm not one of those I-love-you 
Kind of guys. Nobody's home less than me. 
But you have to show interest. Tell her 
you've been selfish! Talk with her tonight. 
If not tonight, you'll never do it.” 

“You know whats interesting?” Leno 
later confided to me. “I've lived with five 
women in my life and every one was born 
on the same date.” That's not true, I said. 
“Yes, Not the same year, but the same 
24-hour period. September fifth and 
sixth." That's incredible, I say “Not really,” 
he said. “I'm one of those people who 
accept things exactly as they appear to be. 
And I just seem to be attracted to a certain 
type. Гус always liked women who are my 
opposite.” 

Mavis Nicholson (long raven hair and 
hazel eyes, born September fifth) is a toler- 
sed in the San Fernando 
Valley, the daughter of a character actor. 
She is a writer of children's books and, at 
one time, comedy routines and is fond of 
English literature and European travel 
(she takes her mother along). Whenever 
possible, she accompanies her peripatetic 
husband of eight years, who is, by all ac- 
counts, famously devoted to her. “Let me 
tell you something,” says Kushnick. “He 
and I have been together 15 years, during 
which time [ have called him all over 
America, at every conceivable, intrusive 
hour, and the only woman who has ever 
answered the phone is Mrs. Leno. That 
says something.” He adds, “And ГИ tell 
you one thing I love dearly about Mavi 
She doesn't spend money 

The couple met 12 years ago, during 
her comedy-writing phase. An Improv 
habitué, she mmediately captivated by 
the Leno style and by the authority he 
exerted over his peers. “He seemed to be 
in charge of the rest of them whenever he 
spoke,” says Mavis, who is one year Leno's 
senior. "When I met him, he wore this 
n scoop-ace-reporter-type hat, 
jeans shirt, a black-leather vest, a 


mother-of-pearl belt buckle and tiny wire- 
rimmed glasses. I would go into the 
Improv is hat and the smoke 


from his pipe, drifting above the heads of 
everyone else in the room.” She pauses, 
then, as if to explain herself, adds conspi 
atorially, “I have a tremendous passion for 


men who have blue eyes, black hair and 
large jaw 


AT HOME WITH THE LENOS 


Here is the pecking order. as it has been 
suggested to me, of Lenos most profound 
pleasures in life: (1) his comedy, (2) his 
wife, (3) his motorcycles (18 of them at last 
count, mostly Harleys and English 
antiques) and (4) his cars (two Lambor- 
ghinis, a Jaguar, a Mercedes, a 427 Cobra 
and the cavernous 55 Buick Roadmaster 
reputed to be his first California res 
dence). Most of those things can be found. 
at various turns, on the leafy, sun-dappled 
grounds of Leno manor, an ersatz English 
country house, all stone and beams, 
perched above a Beverly Hills ravine, ju: 
around the bend from Jack Lemmon 


s 
place. It manages somchow to be both un- 


pretentious and baronial. Still. Leno, a 
Hollywood Hills dweller until last Septem- 
ber, is uncomfortable with the pristine rites 
of Beverly. He will, for instance, wave and 
hoot at every gardener he spots landscap- 
ng the neighborhood. 

On the evening following the Las Vegas 
jaunt, I ride home with Leno after he com- 
pletes his second straight day of Burbank 
hosting chores. He pilots the low-slung, 
thunderous Cobra convertible through the 
mountains, along the snaky corridors of 
Mulholland Drive (his favorite L.A. expe- 
rience) and, goosing the accelerator, he 
appears contented. “Ya know" he says һар- 
pily, “а man can breathe up here!” As we 
reach the electronic gate to his property. 
he begins to imitate a pack of howling 
Dobermans. HOH roooof, roonoof! Re- 
lease the dogs; release the dogs!" Opening 
the front door of the house, he calls up the 
staircase, “Hi, home, I'm honey! Mave!” 

He heads for the garage. leaving Mavis 
to explain her quixotic husband. She 
speaks of his epic unflappability, his lack of 
temper and jealousy and greed, his 
patience when colleagues got ahead sooner 
and his indebtedness to Letterman, who 
generously has called himself a poor m: 
Leno and whose show loosed Lenoman 
upon the land. 

When Leno reappears, he is smoking his 
pipe, humming the theme to Entertain- 
ment Tonight and toting a slab of index 
cards, “Time 10 try out some jokes,” he 
announces and plucks samples from the 
deck, testing them for Tonight Show 
durability. He begins, “A lot of high 
schools are banning Spuds MacKenzie 
Tshirts. 1 guess they want to discourage 
kids from drinking .. out of the toilet.” 

Mavis listens, her comments ran; 
from “That's great!” to "I dunno" to “I 
ick of Bork jokes.” 

After he exhausts the material, I try to 
lure him into basking ever so slightly in his 
success. The effect is akin to dousing a 
vampire with sunshine: Leno, I say, you 
are a big-deal guy now! A designated Car- 
son replacement! Movies! Prime-time spe- 
cials! And that itinerary! How great does it 
Тесі? He shifts uneasily. He grows edgy. He 


ng 


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REAL TASTE. 


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PLAYBOY 


152 


winces. “I guess,” he says finally, "there's a 
quiet satisfaction I get out of it.” He then 
nervously amends himself. “When Im 
dead and buried, then we'll look at the 
record.” Clearly, һе is befuddled. “I really 
try not to take an interest іп my own 
career,” he says. “I like to do the wc 


just like to come up with jokes and tell 


"em." But, E press him, would it be so bad 
to take credit and enjoy yourself? Pain 
creases his face. “I kind of live in my own 
little world here,” he tells me. “And I do 
enjoy myselfa great deal.” He then quickly 
excuses himself and lunges for the garage. 


THE MEANING OF LENO 


Leno does not say this, but his friend 
Jerry Seinfeld does: “You have to realize 
that success is the great poison of stand-up 
comedy, because it takes away the hunger 
and it takes away the fight you need to 
make your shows good every night, You 
need 10 go out there fecling you've got 
something to prove 10 these people. Once 
you feel you've proved it, the entire foun- 
dation of your act is gone. Leno knows 
that, and that is why he won't admit to sue 
cess. He has to kind of not look at it, like 
Lot's wife averting her eyes from Sodom 
and Gomorrah. 

“His philosophy is, Theres по such 
thing as a comedy star,” says Seinfeld. 
"Once you think you're a star, you're no 
comedian. A comedian is someone like us. 
A star is somebody like Cary Grant or 
Robert De Niro. We don't know who they 
are; we dont really want to know. They 
benefit from being enigmatic. Bul a come- 
dian has got to be somebody I do know and 
І can relate to. So a comedy star, in effect, 
is a contradiction in terms. 

Leno once told me that his two all-time 


favorite movies were A Face in the Crowd 
and Sullivans Travels, both of which hap- 
pened to be deft moralistic fables about 
comedians. I have studied them and su: 
pect that they speak volumes about his 
fears and his beliefs. Elia Kazan's A Face in 
the Crowd is a chilling cautionary tale 
based оп a Budd Schulberg story. It chron- 
icles the meteoric rise of a corn-pone comi 
named Lonesome Rhodes (played by 
lean Andy Griffith), а charismat 
scoundrel who, feeding on the power of 
television, is consumed by fulsome megalo- 
mai In the end, he is found out and left 
with nothing and no one. Leno says, “That 
was the only time in my life that Гуе seen a 
comedian portrayed on screen where 1 
really believed he was funny and yet a 
prick.” 

It is, however, Sullivans Travels, a Fortics 
Preston Sturges yarn, that seems to more 
closely reflect the Leno we have come to 
love. In it, we meet John Sullivan (Joel 
McCrea), the wealthy Hollywood director 
of such tonic comedies as Anis іп Your 
Plants of 1939 and So Long, Sarong. Pre- 
dictably, he decides to make a doleful film. 
about the downtrodden, and in the name 
of research, he masquerades as а tramp. 
He barely escapes the conceit with his life 
and wisely beats a hasty retreat to the good 
old funny stuff, a better man for it. 
“There's a lot to be said for making people 
laugh,” Sullivan concludes, sounding just a 
little familiar. “Did you know thats all 
some people have? Ii isn't much—but it's 
better than nothing in this cockeyed cara 
van. Boy! 

“I love that movi 
a wonderful movie 


"says Leno. “Isn't that 


WHAT MAKES JESSE RUN? 

(continued from page 76) 
even run for governor. Now, whenever he 
sees me, he laughs, One of my mistakes.” 

The change in Jackson has registered, 
has, in fact, heen partially the result of this 
registration. 

What do white people really think— 
about me running?” He is paraphrasing 
me, his head still rocking. 

“Well, they know they сап wust me to do 
certain things. They will come to me for 
help.” He hands me his can of soda so it 
won't spill, still scooping the Chinese food 
relentlessly. 

“White folks all over the world want 
their people, for instance. A family with a 
son in Angola. His parents came to me, 
"Can you get him out” 

“This guy blew up an oil field in Са- 
binda. His mother asked me to get a CARE 
package into Angola. Couldn't turn to the 
US. Government or even other white 
folks. At least to get him a letter and a 
CARE package. I did. They let him go. 

“Holtzman [the district attorney] ii 
Brooklyn called me when I was going to 
Syria, They think theres some Nazi holed 
up there—Brunner or something. She 
wanted to know if I could ask [President 
Hafez] Assad.” 

My wife had told me of Jesse's speech at 
the Kenosha, Wisconsin, Chrysler plant 
Jackson is now recalling it. The mayor of 
Kenosha had gone to Jesse. “Jesse to the 
rescuc,” Jackson says, chuckling “They 
desperate. They know ГШ try to help 
them.” Jacksons casy Southland-black 
speech warming to the image, the Chinese 
food almost completely “wore out.” 

He had talked to the black auto dealers 
about the dosing of the plant, too, but also 
about Lec Iacocea, the biggest name in au- 
to executives. “We һауе the numbers to 
win!" he had reared. “Pi ош of 
Towa with double digits! The issue in 1988 
is economic! Iacocca dosed Chrysler in 
Kenosha—after making a five-year com- 
mitment to those people, th ng it 
а year!” The black dealers had gone 
wild. “If somebody gave you a two-billion- 
dollar loan with no-strike clauses and all 
the rest of that stuff—you'd have to be a 


genius to fa 
Again, the roof had come off. Black peo- 
ple have loved Jesse for quite a while. They 


would do pretty much what he asked 
them—to the extent that they could or 
could understand they could. But now it 
has been dawning on them that Jesse is the 
best candidate. And a black candidate! 

“We must stop behar ke giants with 
grasshopper complexes!” he had told the 
auto dealers. “1 dont duck lawn mowers 
and big feet! 

“They ask me, Are people ready for me? 
1 tell them, They ready for you! If Colin 
Powell can be National Security Advisor, 
if Oprah Winfrey can be the numbes 
one talk-show host, if Cosby сап be the 


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PLAYBOY 


number-one TV show. 

His “Think about it!” had come like a 
surfers confirming prayer atop the roar- 
ing wave of the happy crowd. 

By now, Jesse has iced all edibles, drunk 
the soda and is animated by our conversa- 
tion and the recall it stimulates. 

“It was funny—the mayor of Kenosha i: 
up there pouring his heart out for me, 
"cause I had helped them. “Jesse to the res- 
спе’ He got so high up in it he said. ‘Jesse 
to the rescue. He's going to throw a spear in 
our enemies’ hearts! " Jesse is rolling now 
with laughter. 

“He didnt realize what he was saying. It 
was funny. A spear! But he went to lowa 
that night. Ч cant tell you how to vote. But 
here's a man who'll help you when youre 
backed against the wall!” 

“There were [white] truck drivers, fami- 
ly farmers feeling that when your back is to 
the wall, the only somebody they can call 
on is me. And they know they're doing it 
with great defiance!” 

“Руе had more trouble with the liber- 
als,” he had told me earlier in San Francis- 
co while we were walking together to a 
press conference. “If somebody asks if they 
want a black President, then you know you 
got to run through all that history of black 
and white and all that. But if the definition 


is functional, like ‘Do you want a President 
who can get jobs, eliminate the deficit, 
bring the U.S. economy back to life, give us 
а rational foreign policy? then after get- 
ting a yes to all those, you say, You mind if 
he's black?" 

“We wanted to air a commerc 
wa,” he says now, “but we couldn't afford it 
Three white guys are sitting on a bench. 
A. says, ‘I like Jesse Jackson. B. says, “But 
he's black" C. says, ‘I like Jesse Jackson. He 
seems to understand the family farmer. B. 
again: But he's blacl says, 'But the guy 
who took my farm is white!” 

Again, the cleansing laughter as we wing 
high up in the cold night toward another 
day of campaigning in Iowa. A day closer 
to the primari 

“Should we have a black quarterback for 
the Super Bowl? That's a race-based ques- 
tion rather than a function-based question 
Should we have a quarterback who can 
throw four touchdowns in one quarter?” 
he had asked the black car-dealer audi- 
ence, thinking of Doug Williams’ record- 
smashing performance against Denver at 
this year's Super Bowl. “Two years ago, the 
chicago] Bears played the [Washington] 
Redskins. It could have been Doug 
Williams, but it was Doug Flutie vs. the 
Redskins. The best quarterback in the sta- 


"It's working. I'm getting horny!” 


dium was over on the bench. The Bears 
chose Flutie over Williams and lost. Amer- 
ica's gonna keep losing big games. Making 
the same kind of choices!" The crowd's 
laughter had been stunning, "Don't be 
choosing no Dukakis and DuFluties." 
Jackson, on stage or close up, has made 
wondrous growth. He has always been a 
crowd pleaser stageside, but there is a 
deeper resolve, a more fundamental feeling 
Гог the intellectual commitment he made 
long ago. Plus, it is clear he does his home- 
work. He knows what he is talking about, 
where he is coming from. What he wants 
from everyone. 
Mondale won the nomination with 
6,700,000 votes! Hart had 6.200.000, Jack- 
son 3,500,000. He won with 6,700,000 pop- 
ular votes. In November 1984. blacks alone 
gave Mondale 10,000,000. We had the 
numbers but not the mentality! Gucci 


clothes and inferiority complexes. You 
can't have it if you can't see it! 
Blacks have 13,000,000 registered 


voters! Seven million unregistered blacks. 
Can we win?" 

Іп his speech, the moving, deep 
rhythms of his preacher-trained cadence 
had raised the audience, informing them 
and warming them. 

"Can we win? We're running number 
опе among white family farmers in North 
Carolina! We're number one in New York 
and California, Maryland, Georgia, South 
Carolina, Louisiana, 

By now, they „We 
can win. Not just run but, honest to God, 
sho ‘nuff, win!" 


. 

In the calm silence of the late-night 
flight back to Des Moines, the deeply 
thoughtful, relentlessly self-measuring 
side of Jackson's personality stands clear. 
He is trying, nevertheless, to rest. Our con- 
versation is not low, not loud, but steady 
The aides drifting off to sleep and the 
weary Secret Service men probably hear 
our whoops of occasional laughter. 

As Jesse has pressed even harder and 
with more expertise to reach all parts 
of the electorate, it has become obvious 
that the media establishment has deter- 
mined to nix him. So that after the initial 
titillation and darky sensationalism, the 
press has blanked on him. 

It would seem that the Newsweek cover 
was the signal to blank on him openly and 
blatantly. He searches the lowa daily pa- 
pers from one end to the other—there is 
not one mention of his name two days be- 
fore the primary. The other candidates ca- 
vort effortlessly in multiple exposures. 
Jackson's acknowledgment of this racist at- 
tack sounds like a dark grunt in tune with 
the night we shot through. “Now they gon- 
па cut me out. We gettin’ too close. They 
gonna cut me out!” 

А week later, a spectacular piece of racist 
nonreporting would leap at me wordlessly 
from the pages of the February 15th New 
York magazine. There are photographs 
of all the candidates, Democrat and 


Republican, arranged like a checkerboard. 
Allare there except Jackson. And in a cen- 
ter box, where his photo should be, there 
a caption that reads, “Do you know these 
men? If not, stay tuned! 

“I know more about foreign policy,” he 
had said in his San Francisco speech. “We 
came here on the f policy” Some uf 
the black audience had almost fallen out of 
their scats. 

“L brought Goodman home without а 
cake and a Bible [referring to the Syrian 
rescue and Reagan's Iran/Contra scandal]. 
1 know more about the Third World, be- 
cause I grew up in it! The world is mostly 
Third World! There are 400,000,000 
Latins next to us! Irs foolish to cut deals 
with 15000 Contras and miss out on 
400,000,000, 

The real world is young, brown, black, 
yellow and female. If you have color shock 
when you see different colors, you not 
ready—definitely not ready—to be Presi- 
dent. We got five children at home—five 
different colors, and nobody is shook up. It 


takes up no energy in our house. We must 
have a world view consistent with the real 
world! Dont just stop Contra aid in 
Nicaragua; do itin Angola. Inconsistency 


Remembering the speech, we chuckle. 
Yd told him when I got on the plane that 
1 


he should go to sleep when he felt like it. 
am," he had said, laughing. He isnt sleep: 
yet, but against the Peabo animation, fa- 
ugue begun to inch its numbing 
choreography. But he is still “on it.” 

1 ask him about his own development. 
His handling of Ше issues. How had he 
come to see things in such a way? 

“All those things we were doing in the 
Sixties and Seventies—1 never stopped. 
Heis proud, but that is not what moved the 
words. He wants me to know, to feel his ef- 
forts, not just politically but in terms of 
continuing to educate himself through 
participation in the greatest of all schools, 
the world of conscious struggle! The “in 
jokes, exchanges of old brothers in strug- 
gle, give the dialog a life that prolongs 
рам the normal physical weariness and 
emotional letdown between public appear- 
ances. The press white-out bothers him; 
matter. Is he taking his own constituen- 
ey for granted? | ask, repeating some me: 
dia and public opinion. His answer is, by 
far, the sharpest of all reactions to any 
question, 

"That's a simplistic statement and an in- 
accurate one! 1 go South every week. I've 
got support from 20 black Congressper- 
sons. Гуе got black support because I've 
worked for it! 

» Newsweek had a story on me. 
staff surrounding Jackson.’ Trying 
to do the same thing. I called 'em up and 
cussed em out! They had dropped a photo 
of the Rainbow I've got blacks, whites, 
Asians, Latinos. Eddie Wong and Willie 
Barrow work together! I've got the only 
staff where Arabs and Jews work together! 


“Then Newsweek quotes some blad 
woman who works for Gephardt, My line 
is, I got the most American, staff going! 
We're number one in North Carolina! 
Both Rosa Parks and Billy Carter endorsed 
с. 1 asked them at Newsweek, ‘Why do 
you guys play these games?” 

What about some of our old brothers іп 
struggle? I ask him. We throw a few names 
around, their alliances and unity agrec- 
ments. Their criticism of him, for that 
matter. What does he think about those, 
for instance, who accuse 
far enough? 

I always have one foot 


to the teachings of Jes 
obvious and the occult in what Jesus s: 
and did. “I'm a work horse, not a show 
horse! I'm connected to where the people 
are. A horse not connected to the people 
a show horse, not a work horse. All our ex- 
perience points to this. "No cross, по 
crown!” Our struggles for development 
make us stronger. Hegel just used big 
words. Thesis, antithesis, synthesis.” 

We dont do what we used to do. Dont 
make the same mistakes. | try to approach 
the people where they are and take them 
somewhere else. I'm trying to get heiter, 
not bitter!” 

Yet the need for a broad united front, 
rainbow of all nationalities and cross ide- 
ologies, including a broad mass movement 
of the African American people, is hardly 
lost on him. 

"But Im not interested in being 100 
close to these people whose whole projec- 
tion is just talking bad about white folks. 
The folks they got cheering for them are 
not the majority. Most black folks got to go 
to work the next day and they not interest- 
ed in all that! 

Of the danger he courts by being in the 
еуе of the hurricane—a black Presidential 
candidate with a real chance of winning— 
he shrugs. 

They gota month to stop me. 

His mind is wandering over the killing 
campaign schedule as his metabolism be- 
gins to slow even more with fatigue. Still, 
his eyes are flashing, the athletic energy 
undeniable. 

“After Super Tuesday, we go into Ili- 
nois. I E get the same vote Harold (М; 
ington) got, wc can take it! We can win 
Illinois, California, New Yor He is slow- 
ing even more, 

“Hey, man,” 
“you got to leave me alonc now!" 
more words and he is out. 

As the plane darts in blue light toward 
Des Moines, I get up and go to the john. 
ecret Service man, strapped 
every which way, remains awake 
When I go back down the aisle, he 
spread in front of the pilot's compartment 
as if to stop a mad writer from hijacking 
the iron bird. 


he blurts, half laughing, 
A few 


. 
1 hear Jesse bouncing around before my 
eyes open. We are moments from Des 


Moines. Heis wearing the headset, shifting 
energetically to Peabos funk. 

“Baraka, you need to stay up here over 
the weekend. You'll really see something! 
Man, ain't no black writers been around 
here to do nothing. They need to be more 
aggressive. But you the person can do it.” 

He is pulling up toward the top of his 
energy scale again. Lam making excuses. I 
have to go to Maryland and Philadelphia. 
It's Black History Month! 

“This is black history, man. You can get 
close up. See black history being made!” 

It is tempting. Not just tempting, it 
makes me feel almost I y 
back on real historical respor 
keeps up the request, demand, order, like a 
brother asking for help. 

“These liberals always saying white folks 
so irreversibly damaged by racism they 
can't even partially recover. I don't believe 
that. 

I'm not willing to accept some 70-year- 
old mailman’s recall of some unscientific 
arbage he learned in school, when it’s the 
postmaster creating the damage. 

He drags Jimmy the Greek into it. 

“I don't know if they breed strong 
ballplayers. But they did breed a Presi- 
dent!" 

Jess 
opens and the violent blue cold smacks me 
in the face. The sun is promising cast of 
the airport 

A van is waiting for us. His campaign 
stall and Secret Ser vice men aic following. 
We head for the Holiday Inn, a few miles 
from thc airport 

Jesse is оп a balcony over the pool inside 
the hotel. 1 stand next to him as he tries to 
persuade me to stay on. To capture an in- 
delible moment uf American history. Fora 
few minutes, Lam persuaded. 

The Secret Service men on duty must 
linger while Jesse talks. Staff members 
come by and speak. One white couple re- 
lates a poll measured by toilet flushes that 
Dukakis has won. It is about six іш the icy 
Iowa morning. 

Timplore you, Baraka,” Jesse says, more 
serious than I care to hear. He goes over i 
again. You can see the strain, but also the 
heroic determination—to do! Stats, fire, 
laughter, a gem 


is still at me to stay as the door 


пе need 

nd he calls ove 
Ider then, asking the South African 
staff member to get me а room. 

lam with him even more as he d 
pears to get another hour of sleep, per- 
haps, then up to confront white Iowa, 
white America. 

But I have promises to keep. Both of us 
do. Jesse Jackson's are monumental. I have 
been with a giant, there is no doubt in my 
mind. But I make my excuses to the South 
African and, almost moist around the eyes, 
make my cold departure. 

“Jesse can win,” I speak softly but aloud. 
Another brother, the driver, grabs my 


bags. 
El 


155 


PLAYBOY 


156 


WHISKEY AMERICAIN 


(continued from page 116) 


“To bring out the aroma in a glass of whiskey, add just 
a dash of water, like the dew on a rose.” 


the Statue of Liberty, they created a Fran- 
co-American cocktail. It tastes just as good 
on July fourth. 


THE LIBERTY COCKTAIL 


1 oz. bourbon 
Ye oz. Southern Comfort 
1 oz. French dry white vermouth 
Ya oz. Rose's lime juice 
and strain into cocktail 
glass. Decorate with maraschino cherry. 
Тһе French sip this as though they меге 
saying B-O-U-R-B-O-N. Magnifique! The 
warm aroma and fleshy richness of the 
bourbon come from the smoothness of 
malt, the spiciness of rye grains and 
the sweetness of corn, all in one whiskey; 
the vanilla and apple notes come from the 
newly made oak barrel used for every 
batch, the mellowness from four summers’ 
aging in bluegrass country. 
Such lyricism over a соски 
this is France. These people care a 
suous pleasures. The French may love their 
wines. s and brandi but they 
know that a country with its very own 
whiskey has something else ta celebrate. 


The Scot 
the smokiness of their "he 
Irish have volumes to say about their deli- 
cious Whiskeys. (That distinctive flavor 
comes from a dash of unmalted barley) 
The Canadi don't hesitate to tell us 
about the icy purity of their distinctive 
style (which is really a blended rye). Let us 
now hear it for American whiskeys. 

You don't have to be French to know that 
Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey is 
identified as such on the label, whether itis 
Wild Turkey (full-bodied and tasty), Jim 
Beam (more flowery, with a big finish), 
ms (quite heavy and sweetish), 
ig-bodied and clean), Early 
nt Age (dry and slight- 
ly oaky), Old Charter (spicy for a bourbon), 
Old Weller or Old Fitzgerald (both big and 
exceptionally smooth), Old Grand-Dad 
(firm and hearty), Very Old Barton (dry 
and on the light side), Mak Mark 
(smooth and very elegant) or the West 
sounding but Kentucky-distilled Yello 
stone (fresh-tasting and complex). Those 
There are 


o just some of the classics. 


“You are charged with preaching wrongful, deviant and 
pernicious doctrine about weight loss.” 


more than 100 labels, in various ages and 
proofs, available in the United States. 

Halve the proof and you have alcohol by 
volume. Old Grand-Dad has a smooth and 
profound version at 114 proof and ten 
years, which should be served only in 
brandy snifters, either neat or with just a 
splash of water, and no rocks, as an after- 
dinner drink, The same ır 


tment splen- 
didly suits Very Very Old Fitzgerald or the 
10]-proof М; 


ers Mark or Wild Turkey. 

To bring out the appetizing aroma in a 
glass of whiskey, add just a dash of water, 
like the dew on a rose. (No, better make 
that four roses.) Once you have released 
the precious fragrance, the brandy snifter 
will retain it for your pleasure. Warm the 
shifter in your hands and you will enjoy 
the sweet promise even more. 

The Jim Beam bourbons, ranging from 
the ever-popular white-label version to the 
B6-proof Beams Choice and the 101- 
month-old black label, lend themselves es- 
pecially well to the gracious Southern 
habit of serving whiskey with food. Serve it 
straight, in a small wineglass, without ice 
but with a pitcher of lightly chilled or iced 
water on the table. One part whiskey to two 
of water makes a good balance. 

Before dinner, Tennessee whiskeys seem 
to be at their best, either with a twist of 
lemon or simply on the rocks. Plenty of 
rocks but not too much water. With ice 
melting in the glass, half and half is water 
enough. Everyone knows about Jack Dan- 
iel’s black-label version (90 proof). The 
green-label one is a mere 80 proof. Its the 
same with the two versions of George Dick- 
el “Tennessee whiskey, which bear labels 
that the company describes, poetically, as 
ivory and ebony: 

July fourth is the day for a rye, the style 
of whiskey that George Washington made 
for a living. Upon being asked for a rye, a 
bartender who knows his whiskey will 
present а boule bearing the legend Pikes- 
ville (behind which lurks а delicious 
sweetish whiskey), Rittenhouse (big and 
smooth), Old Overholt (the spiciest), Jim 
Beam Straight Rye whiskey (with a yellow 
label) or Wild Turkey Sura 
(101 proof, green label). 

Kentucky Derby day is the mandatory 
time fora mint julep. Even if you are 1000 
miles from Louisville, find a porch, pref 
ably with a seat that swings, and laze while 
you savor the aromas of whiskey and fre: 
mint. You owe it to yourself as a consola- 
tion for missing the race. 

For consistency, it is better to make 
juleps in bulk, but the following recipe із 
for just one. 


MINT JULEP 


Put silver julep cup or tall glass in freez- 
er to d Rinse 3 to 5 fresh mint leaves 
briefly in cold water and pat them dry. 
Crush them in small cup or glass firmly 
with back of spoon, but do not pulverize: 
Pour 9 ozs. of your best bourbon onto 
In separate glass, mix 1% ozs. 


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sugar with same amount of water and stir 
thoroughly until it forms a syrup (or use 
your fayorite bottled bar syrup). Add to 
mintand-bourbon mixture, Stir. Fill your 
chilled container to brim with crushed icc. 
Pour mixture over it. Top it up with more 
bourbon. Insert sprig of шіш in ice so that 
leaves protrude as decoration. Then insert 
short straw and sip slowly—after you've 
placed your bets. 

Here are some other sophisticated 
whiskey creations: 


THE SOUTH SUN 
(Created by Jean-Jacques Charbonnier, 
head bartender, the Plaza-Athénée, Paris) 


Jom fort 


1% ozs. Southern 
1 oz. Jack Daniel's 


s 
2% ozs. orange juice 
2 dashes grenadine 
1 dash tangerine liqueur 
Shake over ice and serve in large cocktail 
glass garnished with orange peel 


THE PORTISCO 
(Created by Tievisan Stefano, chief 
bartender, Hotel Gallia, Milan) 


ozs. Jim Beam 
Sambuca Molinari 

Ye oc. grenadine 

1 ozs. ginger ale 

Mix over rocks in tumbler or old fash- 
ioned glass and decorate with segment of 
orange. 


THE PRESIDENT 
(Created by Bob Burton, 
head bartender, The Ritz, London) 


1 oz. Jack Daniels 

2% ozs. double cream 

1 oz. banana liqueur 

Ye oz. Kahlüa 

Shake over ісе and serve in cocktail 
glass. Sprinkle a little powdered or flaked 
chocolate on top. 

You can also sprinkle several dashes of 
Angostura bitters on a cube of sugar in a 
tumbler, add an ounce or two of your fa- 
vorite whiskey, top it up with ice and stir. 
That is, if you want to be old fashioned 
about your old fashioned. Cheers! 


Clinique La Prairie 


(continued from page 118) 
buttocks and a small temperature, but you 
have to expect that—it takes time for the 
new little cells to make friends with the old 
ones: 

“But, on the whole, you found it a good 
experience.” 
“Оһ, absolutely. It really works. Му one 
complaint is that they charge extra for bot- 
Чей water—$8000 for the treatment and 
they charge for bottled water, right?” 

"It does seem petty,” I say: “Do you think 
L ought to take the shots?" 

“If they say they re going to give you the 
shots, you do it, babe.” 

. 

At noon on Monda! 

and 1 


June 99, Suz: 
ind ourselves in the Zurich office of 
Armin Mauli, owner of С 
Prairie. Mattli, a Swiss entrepreneur whe 
previously owned а bank and a plastics 
company in El Salvador, is a short, stocky 
man of perhaps 60, with blue cyes, blond 


hair, a blond mustache and a mischievous 


twinkle. He introduces us to Gigi 
his pretty PR director, and announces that 
well be joined at lunch by Dr. Christiaan 
Barnard. 

Dr. Barnard, the famous South African 
surgeon and pioneer heart transplanter, 
has become director of research for 
Clinique La Prairie and set up a nerve: cell. 
regeneration program at the University of 
Oklahoma. Barnard took the injections 
himself for his arthritis. He's a handsome 
man with an infections smile and vast per- 
sonal charm. 

Mattli, Sutter, Barnard, Suzanne and 1 
walk to a nearby restaurant, and Barnard 
begins to speak about cellular therapy. As 
we get older, he says, we lose our ability to 
repair the genetic damage that aging does 
to our cells. Cellular therapy promotes the 
repair of genetic damage and has an 
aging effect. 

There are many kinds of cellular thera- 
py besides that practiced at Clinique La 
Prairie, says Barnard—such as blood 
transfusions and vaccinations. In a blood 
transfusion, the cells of one human being 
are injected into another. In immuniza- 
tion, weakened diseased cells are injected 
into a patient to stimulate а resistance 
against stronger ones 
The idea here is not to conquer death, 
says Barnard w but to make people 
die as young as possible.” 

Barnard looks young for a man of 65. 
Mati confides that Barnard has left his 
23-year-old girlfriend in his hotel room in 
order to lunch with us. 

1 have heard that Barnard had two (ге; 
ments of cellular therapy and ask what ef- 
fect they had on his arthritis. 

It gets better, it gets worse and it gets 
better,” he says. But does he see an im- 
provement? “I dont, of course, know what 
1 would have felt like without the therapy, 
but I believe there has been improvement.” 
Mattli, too, has had the injections. I ask 


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both if the therapy has improved their sex 
lives. Mattli winks. Barnard says that area 
has never been a problem for him. 

Barnard is on his way back to Capetown, 
where, he says, it’s easier to get permission 
to do labwork on animals than it is in the 
US. 

In one experiment Barnard tells us 
about, two genetically identical rats were 
symbiotically joined so that they shared a 
common blood supply. One was а 300-d. 
old rat, the other a 50-day-old rat. The life 
span of a laboratory rat is 400 days. After 
the joining, the life span of the older rat 
was increased from 400 to 600 days. 

Another experiment was done on cock- 
roaches. If you break off a young cock- 
roachis leg, it will grow another, but as 
the roach grows older, it loses the power to 
regenerate. If you symbiotically join a 
young roach with an old one, says 
Barnard, the old one will again be able to 
regenerate its legs just like a young one. 
Younger animals appear to һауе a greater 
concentration of the ingredients that 
provide regeneration 

Barnard explains С 
success in regeneration of organs and tis- 
sue in patients who've been injected with 
live fetal cells as follows: 

“After injection, the fetal cells release 
cellular substances, which are absorbed 
into the blood stream of the patient and 
transported to the various organs, where 
they stimulate rejuvenation and regen- 
eration. With that form of treatment, the 
fetal cells serve the same purpose as the 
younger animals in the symbiotic experi- 
ments 

“Some people think cellular therapy is a 
joke. It’s not a joke,” says Barnard passion- 
ately. “I think it’s stupid for the scientific 
establishment to ignore cellular therapy 
Just because the scientific evidence has yet 
to be established—we take aspirin, and we 
don't know how that works, either. Within a 
year, we will have definite scientific evi- 
dence to prove to the scientific community 
forever that it's nota hoax.” 

Task about the famous people who have 
taken the injections at the clinic over the 
years. Mattli is guarded about that infor- 
mation and says һе is sworn to secrecy 
by his dients, but the names of Konrad 
Adenauer, Winston Churchill and Pablo 
Picasso are mentioned. 

“Adenauer lived to either 92 or 94,” say: 
Mattli. “Several presidents and heads of 
state have also had the treatment.” Which 
ones? “They do not permit us to s. 

“Which ones don't permit you to say?” I 
ask, but Mattli merely smiles. 

Barnard excuses himself and heads back 
to his 23-year-old girlfriend. We're taken 
by limousine on a two-hour drive to Mon- 
treux, site of the clinic and of our hotel, 
the elegant Montreux Palace, both of 
which overlook the insanely picturesque 
Lake Geneva and the snow-capped Alps. 

. 

Clinique La Prairie is a lovely white 

Swiss dollhouse with a brown peaked roof, 


yellow awnings and balconies spilling over 
with flowers. It sits оп a hill facing the lake 
and is right next door to a girls’ finishing 
school. 

As we wail in a Sunny sitting room at the 
end of a corridor, Suzanne and I are still 
vacillating about whether or not to take the 
injections. We will take the physical exami- 
nations in either case. We're joined by an 
attractive Asian woman in trendy dothes, 
She looks to be in her early 30s. 

We introduce ourselves. She's chatty, 
cute and very peppy. Lets say her name is 
Pearl. (For reasons too tedious to explain, 
some of the names of the patients you'll 
meet will be their real ones. Others won't. 
Dont ask me why) She's from Hong Kong 
and she is here to take the injections. She 
asks whether we're taking them, too. I say 
we dont know yet. 

In Hong Kong, Pearl imports chemicals 
that, if I understand her, are used to clean 
boilers in utility companies, and she also 
deals in computers and women's clothing 
boutiques. 

She came here “for stay young. look 
young, also digestive probrem.” What kind 
of digestive problem? If I understand her, 
she has ten holes in her stomach. Ulcers? 
No. The holes don't appear to concern her, 
so I don't let them concern me, either. 

I'm called in for my physical. The doctor 
is a man named Phillippe Eckert. He is 
slim, graying, bearded, bespectacled and 
so serious that he is almost mournful in 
tone. He asks me detailed questions about 
my medical history: He says he was trained 
in Switzerland and at Beth Israel Hospital 
in New York and has been at the clinic for 
only a few months. Has he taken the shots? 
No. Will he? “I don't know. I haven't been 
here long enough.” I guess I'm not the only 
опе who's ambivalent about the shots. 

My E.K.G. is done by an attractive young 
nurse named Monika, who's tall, slim and 
has a visible panty line. I ask her if she has 
taken the shots. No. Would she consider 
taking them? No. Why not? “I don't like in- 


the next week. He is very tall and hand- 
some. Hes a German Swiss and speaks 
pretty good English 

For lunch, we drive to a restaurant high 
in the mountains. The view is heart-stop- 
ping 

1 ask about the sheep and the surgery. I 
had been told that the lamb fetus is re- 
moved by Caesarean. I ask if the sheep sur- 
vives the surgery. “No.” How many sheep 
do they kill for each series of injections? “I 
don't like the word says Jean-Pierre, 
“because we use all parts of the sheep, for 
food and so on.” But how many sheep do 
they, uh, use for each set of injections? 
“Three.” Has he himself had the injec- 
tions? “Not yet 

Jean-Pierre asks if we'd like to see the 
sheep. Yes. Thursday is the big day, when 
they are prepared for surgery. Tomorrow 


afternoon, Wednesday, Monsieur Fon- 
taine, the head of the laboratory, will drive 
to the sheep ranch 50 kilometers away to 
bring back the three sheep to be used on 
Thursday. Fontaine will take us with him. 


. 

It is Wednesday. Eckert gives us the re- 
sults of our physicals. All is normal. 

We're introduced to Fontaine, a kindly 
man in his 60s who looks like Buddy Ebsen 
and speaks no English. We get into his 
Range Rover, with its empty sheep trailer 
bouncing along behind, and set off for the 
ranch. On the way, we converse with him in 
pidgin French. We learn that the flock con- 
tains 700 to 800 black sheep and that three 
are used every “Thursday Fontaine has 
been working at the clinic for 32 years and, 
yes, he has had the shots—three times. 

‘The first time was for a condition called 
osteochondrosis, which resulted from 
overexposure to X rays. The inj 
saved his life Ln miracle (un mi-rock).” 
he keeps repeating, “un miracle!” 

After a delightful drive through rolling 
green Alpine foothills, we arrive at the 
ranch and are introduced to le berger—the 
shepherd. He has a name, but is called only 
le berger (le bear-jhair). 

Le berger is 70, has been at thi: 
years and looks as if he'd stepped right out 
of a black-and-white French film of the 
Fifties. He has bushy black eyebrows, white 
hair anda three-or-four-day white stubble. 
He sports a worn blue-plaid shirt, a worn 
blue-denim jacket, two pairs of worn blue- 
denim pants, rubber boots and a black- 
vinyl fedora with a narrow brim. He gets 
about on a motorcycle. I'm in love with 
both Fontaine and le berger. 

We're taken inside a 300-year-old barn, 
where two small groups of sheep are being 
held in pens. The sheep range in color 
from dark chocolatey brown to mocha tan. 
They are irked to see us and huddle to- 
gether as far away as they сап, vainly try- 
ing to climb the opposite wall. 

Fontaine, who has inexplicably chosen to 
wear a smart gray suit for his shepherd du- 
ties today, removes his jacket, dons rubber 
boots and wades into the pen with a box of 
sterile syringes. As le berger straddles a 
sheep, Fontaine bends down, inserts a 
needle into its neck, withdraws a blood 
sample, then places the syringe swifily 
back in its sterile container. After each of 
four numbered sheep has been tested, le 
berger marks the back of its head with a 
red-dye marker. 

Fontaine explains that the sheep are be- 
ing tested for next week. If they don't test 
well, there will still be time to select others. 

The entire operation impresses me. 1 
like what I've heard from Barnard, and I 
like what I've seen of the staff and the facil- 
ities of the clinic. Although Га told them 
we probably would not be taking the injec- 
tions, I'm beginning to think that to come 
here and not take them is rather stupid. 

“Tomorrow morning, Thursday, at seven 
o'clock, if we decide not to take them, I am 


scheduled to witness the dissection of the 159 


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160 


lamb embryo in the operating room. This 
afternoon, upon our return to the clinic, 
we are supposed to meet with chief physi- 
cian Elie Edde. If I'm impressed. with 
him, we will check out of the hotel, move 
into the clinic tonight and take the shots to- 
morrow morning. 


We mect with Dr. Edde, wh 


is a fellow 


cians and another throwback to a bla 
and-white French film of the Fifties. He sits 
behind his desk and his grizzled face peers 
at us through a thick veil of cigarette 
smok 

“Why should we have the injections?" I 
ask. 

“From the age of 20, we all need a 
garage,” says Edde in thickly accented 
English. “Take the treatment; you месі 
love eet.” 

Has any of his patients developed cancer 
from the injections? “No!” Has anybody 
ever died from an allergic reaction? “No!” 

“One thing has occurred to me,” I say, 
“and its this: Why sheep? 1 mean, moral 
and ethical considerations aside, if shecp- 
embryo cells are good, wouldn't human- 
embryo cells be even better?” 

“Oh, sure,” says Edde. “Niehans did that 
een the beginning—a dead baby, of 
course—but babies are not so easy to get, 
so the sheep ees much better. Eet ees the 
same thing.” 

We question him further, but my mind 
has been made up, I glance at Suzanne. 

“We would like to take the injections.” I 
say. Suzanne seems surprised but agree- 
able. 

“Excellent,” says Edde. “We weel make a 
reservation for you next wek.” 

“No, this week,” I say. “Tomorrow morn- 
ing.” 

“Oh, ho, I am sorry,” says Edde. “Eet ees 
much too late for tomorrow. Eef they had 
told me you weeshed to take the treatment 
tomorrow, we would have made the space. 
They said you had decided not to do eet. 
Just now, we have nothing. ‘Twenty-seven 
patients—we are completely full. I am 
sorry.” 

am crushed. So, it turns out, is Su- 
zanne. In that moment, we realize that the 
only thing we ever truly wished to do in 
our lives was to take sheep shots. Since we 
cant, we will surely shrivel up, age prema- 
turely and die shortly after leaving here. 
There is no greater disappointment than 
being told you can't have permission to do 
something you weren't sure you wanted to 
do in the first place. 

1 tell Jean-Pierre that we had finally de- 
cided to take the treatment but Edde said it 
was too late. Jean-Pierre looks distressed 
and says perhaps there will be a cancella- 
tion. Is that a real possibility? Well, one 
couple who had reservations for tonight 
are late, but they had their physicals on 
Mon su it’s not likely they will fail to 
show 


Jean-Pierre asks us about our trip to see 


operation,” he says, “to plan it to have 
pregnant sheep every week of the year.” 

“Monsieur Fontaine told us about his ex- 
perience with the shots,” says Suzanne. 

“A one-in-a-million reaction, that one,” 
says Jean-Pierre, shaking his head. What? 
“His allergic reaction,” says Jean-Pierre. 
“The shock.” 

“Fontaine went into shock? All he told us 
was that it was un miracle. How long was he 
in shock?" 

“I don't know,” says Jean-Pierre, be 
ning to regret the conversation. “You'll 
have to ask him yourself.” 

Our obsession with being told we can't 
have the shots is such that even the omi- 
nous sound of Fontaine's reaction does not 
dampen our ardor to be injected with live 
sheep cells. 

We make plans to meet Jean-Pierre for 
dinner and then repair to our hotel room 
to brood. Suzanne sees this incident as 
amicrocosm of our lives—being indecisive 
so long that we no longer get to choose for 


ourselves, losing control, I feel wretched. 

“Look,” I say, “we agreed before we 
came that we probably didn't want to take 
these shots, so now we aren't—we're right 
where we wanted to be in the first place.” 

“Yes, but we didn't choose it,” says Su- 
zanne. “It was chosen for us. 

“Then let's choose it,” I say. “In pure 
estian terms, lets choose what we already 
have.” 

Eventually, we succeed іп rationalizing 
that not being permitted to take the shots 
is about the best thing that has ever hap- 
pened to us. Suzanne lingers to change for 
dinner and I go down to Harry's New York 
Bar to meet Jean-Pierre. 

“ ” says Jean-Pi 


‘Good news Te “The 
couple who was late canceled. You and Su- 
zanne can take the shots, but you must 
check into the clinic right now.” 

I'm staggered. We had just invested so 
much emotion convincing ourselves that 
we didn't want to take the shots that to re- 
verse ourselves now would be to make a 
mockery of our new-found decisiveness, if 


“Not tonight; I got a backache!” 


161 


PLAYBOY 


162 


not our very lives. 

“You do wish to take the shots,” says 
Jean-Pierre. 

“Uh, can I get back to you in just five 
minutes?” 

1 race back to the hotel, arriving out of 
breath. 

“God is testing us,” І announce. Su- 
zanne looks alarmed. “Jean-Pierre says the 
couple who was late has canceled," 
I say. "If we go over there right now, we 
can take the shots. But I don't think we 
should.” 

“Why not?” says Suzanne, looking dazed. 

“Because,” І say, “we decided that we re- 
ally didn't want to take them, and the only 
upsetting thing was that we were so indeci- 
sive that we didn't get to choose not to take 
them. Now we've been given a chance to 
choose not to take them. And sometimes 
making a decision is more important than the 
decision itself.” 

"OK," she says uncertainly. We march 
triumphantly down to Harrys bar, 

“So you've decided,” says Jean-Pierre. 

“Yes,” I say in my most decisive tone. “We 
have decided not to take the shots.” 

Jean-Pierre looks at us with great pity. 
Its dear to him that we are totally insane. 

. 

At 6:30 оп Thursday morning, а cab 
picks me up in frontof the hotel. The driv- 
er is a woman of about 80. She knows the 
clinic well—Marlene Dietrich went there 
many times, she says. Also Noel Coward. 
(Marlene and Noel. but not I.) Would she 
herself take the shots? No, she says, she 
hates doctors. 

1 arrive at the clinic at 6:50 лм. A nurse 
leads me into an anteroom and has me 
change into a green scrub gown, a shower 
cap, a surgical mask and blue-plastic 
booties. 

Tim led to a window through which I 
can see the small operating room. It has 
green-tiled walls, a green-draped operat- 
ing table, a huge, powerful surgical light 
overhead. Along the right wall are four 
blue cubicles. There are six people in the 
room. All wear dark-green surgical gowns, 
light-green surgical masks, white surgical 
gloves, white Dutch clogs and shower caps. 
Four of them sit in the cubicles; two of 
them stand at the operating table. 

115 hard to recognize people who are 
wearing surgical masks and shower caps, 
but eventually, I make out three people I 
already know—seated in the cubicles are 
Eckert and Fontaine, and assisting on the 
floor is Monika of the visible panty line. An 
elderly doctor and a young nurse are bent 
over the small charcoal-brown body of a 
dead lamb fetus. 

An incision has been made in its belly, 
and shiny red-and-pink organs spill out of 
the cavity, There's a flat, shiny pinkish or- 
gan next to the lamb that I assume to be its 
mothers placenta. The nurse and the doc- 
tor are carefully cutting off the top of the 
lamb's skull with surgical scissors. Im sud- 
denly glad I didn't eat before leaving the 
hotel. 


The doctor and the nurse remove 
brains, kishkes and what not from the lamb 
and deposit each organ in separate glass 
Petri dishes, which are immediately 
whisked to the technicians in the cubicles. 
They take cach organ out of the dishes and 
carefully cut it into small pieces, then pass 
them through a strainer, 

The pulverized organs are placed in 
other Petri dishes in clear fluid and are 
then drawn into large sterile syringes. De- 
pending upon the type of liquefied organ 
each conta the contents of the syringes 
are cither pinkish, purplish or reddish. 
The technicians consult forms taped to the 
sides of their cubicles for the number of 
syringes of each type of cell required by 
each patient. There are about ten c.c.s of 
liquid in each syringe, which is a good- 
sized injection for a horse, to say nothing 
of a human. 

A nurse periodically gathers up loads of 
filled syringes from each technician's cul 
cle and, noting their type, carefully ar- 
ranges them in stainless-steel trays—one 
tray for each patient at the clinic. But not 
for ine. 


. 

Later on Thursday, I drop by Pearl's 
room. She had the shots this morning and 
is apparently in pain, She is now able to sit 
on her buttocks but has trouble walking. 
She bounds out of bed to demonstrate her 
pain. She is wearing a pink shorty night- 
gown. 

Pearl says Uhat she had one shot to begin 
with and then 12 more. It was very painful 
at first, though not unbearable, and better 
by afternoon. She thinks they gave her the 
shots too rapidly, which makes her worry 
that she didn't get all the cells she is paying 
for. 

I say she seems rather young to be get- 
ting the shots. How old is she—about 30? 
She giggles, blushes and covers her face 
with her hands. About 30, she says. 

. 


I have met another patient, Henry 
Burmeister, who owns a wallpaper store in 
Medford, Oregon. Henry is 70 years old. 
This is his fourth cell-therapy treatment, 
his third here. (Jean-Pierre says that 40 
percent of the patients here are repeat cus- 
tomers.) Henry is losing his brown hair 
and his face has a few lines, but fewer than 
you'd expect, He looks and acts much 
younger and peppier than 70. 

Henry’s first wife died at the age of 50. 
He was so shattered that he didn't even 
date for five years. After three years of dat- 
ing, he met a woman 28 years his junior 
and married her eight days later. They 
have a seven-year-old son. Henry had ten 
shots this morning, They hurt “likea pain- 
ful tetanus shot, only about six times 
worse,” but he’s about to sit on his bed 
while we chat. 

He had cellular therapy in 1981, 1983, 
1985 and now, 1987. A year and a half ago, 
he had quintuple bypass surge 
teries to his heart—he's qu 
his heart problems had nothing to do with 


the cell therapy but rather with a diet too 
rich in fats and cholesterol. After his 
surgery, he scored 50 percent better on his 
treadmill test than men in his age group 
who hadnt had bypass surgery. Oh, yes, 
and four months after his surgery, he en- 
tered the March of Dimes Wal merica 
marathon and walked 18 miles in six 
hours. The next year, he did it in jour 
hours. 

Characteristically, he says that he feels 
drained of energy for about three months 
after the shots, then peppy for the next two 
years. He feels the need to repeat the shots 
every two years. The one time he took the 
shots somewhere other than this 
in Germany, and he doesn't think it was as 
good. They didn't seem to care about his 
diet. 

Т ask if the injections have made him 
younger or halted the aging process. 1 
don't feel it's been halted,” he says. “I do 
feel it's been slowed down.” 

I'm beginning to regret refusing the shots. 

б 


On Friday, І ask the receptionist to ring 
Pearl and ask her if I can drop in. She says 
to wait five minutes. I go up in five min- 
utes and she is wearing a smart Chanel 
dress and heels—a sharp contrast to yes- 
terday's nightie. 

She's obviously feeling better today. Less 
pain in her buttocks and she can walk with 
no problem. She demonstrates. No com- 
plaints at all, then? “Nervous pain in back 
and throat. but no probrem.” she assures 
me. 

She has become concerned that none 
of the doctors she has talked with here 
have taken the shots: “If so good, why they 
no take? If we take injekashun, why they no 


I corroborate the fact: Jean-Pierre has 

told me that only four of the clinic’s 45 em- 
s have taken the shots. 
Edde, Eckert and a 
woman, Dr, Adrienne Studer—arrive to 
check on Pearl's condition and kick me out. 
I wait outside the door and hear her ask 
why they have not taken any injections. 1 
hear Dr. Studer say, "I'm still young,” and 
Eckert say, “I just started working here.” 

When the doctors leave, we continue our 
chat. “Western people eat too much fat, too 
much meat, 100 much chocolate, too much 
sweet, too much fry food." she says. “West- 
ern woman, she get to be 30, her neck get 
like chicken and she get very fat. Oriental 
woman not get so change. Why? American 
people very stupid eating culture. Veg- 
etable and fish good for healthy and de 
fruits. 1 do slowly jogging. Just take in- 
jekashun not enough. If we always worry 
and angry and not happy, then we get old 
and die at once. If our spirit good, our cells 
become healthy” 


. 

Henry Burmeister is also feeling better 
Friday. More energy than yesterday, and 
his buuocks aren't as sore. He tells me 
that the treatments have not only given 
him more energy, they have increased his 


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creativity—he has begun writing his own 
ТУ ads for the wallpaper store, 
. 


Late Friday night, Suzanne and I are 
with Jean-Pierre in the bar of the Hazy- 
land Disco, and Suzanne asks a question 
that has been nagging her: What if none of 
the three pregnant sheep they kill each 
week are found to have male fetuses— 
where would the clinic get the testicles it 
needed for the men who wanted injections 
of the testicle cells? 

“Only two of the sheep they kill are preg- 
nant females,” says Jean-Pierre. “The 
third is an adult male.” 

But we had been led to believe that they 
inject cells only from lamb fetuses, because 
fetuses don't yet have antibodies that the 
human body may reject. 

“Cells of the testicles from the adult 
ram," says Jean-Pierre, "just happen to be 
the one type of adult-sheep cells that the 
human body doesn't reject.” 

Ummm. | ask again to meet with 
Fontaine to learn more about his adverse 
reaction to the shots. 

. 

Henry has a little more energy on Sat- 
urday The pain is gone except fora little in 
the butt. And there's still a slight redness 
from the bandages. What bandages? Oh, 


he says, they put two bandages about 
2" x8” over the shots on each buttock. 
. 

Pearl was dizzy all morning Saturday: 
“Not so much pain—1 can walk. One do 
tor say this is riction.” Riction? Could she 
spell that? “Riction: R-E-A-C- E-I-O-N." 

Lask if she has had any fever. “No. Sec- 
ond day headache. My temperature very 
good, no probrem." 

She tells me she has become interested 
in going to see the sheep. The doctors have 
not encouraged that. I don't know why she 
wants to see the sheep. Is it possible she's 
having second thoughts about the shots? 

. 

On Sunday, Henry’s pain is almost gone. 
He took a long walk today by the lake. Only 
coming up the hill wasn't casy, he says. 

. 

Pearl is much better Sunday: “No pain; 
can walk very quickry. Tired when I get 
up, but maybe I dream too much. My con- 
n today, no probrem." 

. 

Ive met another patient, an American 
(six out of 27 patients this week аге Ameri- 
cans). His name ts Frank Foreman, hes 71 
and this is his third treatment. Frank owns 
a lumberyard in Milwaukee, has a wife of 
47 and is willing to be candid about his sex 


“Honey, Гт home.” 


life if I change his name. “At the age of 61, 
I was having sex twice a week.” he says. 
“Today, at the age of 71, Im up to dire 
imes a week. I may be a little slower to get 
erections now, but I keep them longer. А 
friend of mine is five years younger than I 
am. His wife says һе cant perform at all! 
Does Frank credit the shots? “Absolutely: 

I should have taken the goddamned. 
shots. 


. 

1 had asked Jean-Pierre to arrange a 
meeting with Fontaine to find out more 
about his adverse reaction to the shots. 
The meeting turns out to be at lunch on 
Monday with Jean-Pierre, Fontaine, Mattli 
and the headmaster of the girls’ finishing 
school next door. Mattli, in a waggish 
mood, says he has repeatedly asked the 
headmaster of the girls’ school for the po- 
sition of night watchman but has never got 
the job. I ask how old the girls are. 

“Eighteen,” he says. “Our age” He 
means our age after the shots, I say. He 
chuckles. “There are three important 
things in life,” says Маші. “To vork hard, 
to eat good and to screw yell!” How many 
times has he taken the shots? Twice, he 
says, about three years apart. When was 
the last time? Two and a half years ago. 
Isn't it time for another series of injections? 
"Yes," he says. "Soon, I vill present my ass. 
to the doctors and the nurses. 

1 ask Fontaine to tell me his history with 
the shots. With Jean-Pierre translating, he 
explains that he has had them three times. 
The first time, he had them because of os- 
teochondrosis, and he was given the shots 
by Niehans himself, and it was un mi-rock. 
The second time, years later, he had only 
one shot—of placenta—and that was the 
one that gave him the bad reaction, 

And there was shock? No, no shock. Un- 
consciousness? No, no, no! What kind of 
reaction, then? Redness and itching. 
Where? Everywhere. And did he have the 
shots a third time? Yes, a few years later. 
Which ones? Just the placenta again, Why? 
Tosee if he would still have the same reac- 
tion as before. And did he? No, no reaction 
that time. Why does he think he reacted so 
badly to the second shot? He doesn’t know. 
Was it perhaps due to his continual contact 
with the sheep? Perhaps. He chuckles, “Re- 
vanche des moutons,” he says—the revenge 
of the sheep. 


. 
On Monday, Pearl is feeling good. 
“There is no more pain,” she says, pointing 


to her buttocks. "Only today and yesterday, 
1 get very tired: 

She says that when she returns to th 
Orient, shell ask her doctor if cellular 
therapy “is true or they only do to make 
ioncy" 1 ask why shes having second 
thoughts now instead of before taking the 
shots. “I think I am very stupid now to wor- 
ry after injekashun, not before,” she says. 


“You very wise to worry first.” Maybe 
. 


Henrys pain is gone, 
mosquito bite.” He feels much 


xcept like a 
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PLAYBOY 


166 


energetic today. He thinks the treatments 
have given him "an age level that's not 70. 1 
see many 60-year-olds 1 could arm-wres- 
tle,” he says. 

. 

Frank Foreman is feeling no pain. And 
how about his energy? “Enough to do what 
my wife and I did on this bed last night,” 
he says with evident pride. 

І should have taken the goddamned 
shots. 


. 
Also on Monday, I meet another Ameri- 
can who's just completing the treatment— 
Sonia Lastick, who, with her husband, 
owns a furniture store in Pottstown, Penn- 
sylvania. This is her first visit to Clinique 
La Prairie, but she has had dry-cell injec- 
tions twice befor Nassau and Baden- 
Baden. She just celebrated her 60th 
birthday but looks and acts younger. 

Why did she take the shots? “I'm very in- 
to health,” she says. “Unlike my husband, 
who doesn't care if he looks like a schlepp 
I grew up ina family where if there was 
ladder, you climbed it. 

1 ask if she has seen any famous patients. 
“There was an Arab prince in the room 
next to mine who'd brought his own phy- 
sician,” she says. “And down the hall, there 
was, | think, a sheik. They keep your door 
closed all the time so you can't see who else 
is here.” She's impressed with the clinic 
and is “very, very sad to be leaving.” 

. 
Tomorrow is Tuesday, the day we and all 


за 


the patients go home. I'd asked to sample 
what the patients eat, so tonight, we have 
dinner on the terrace of the clinic with 


Jean-Pierre, Pierre, the acupuncturist, and 
Christine, the head housekeeper, who, be- 
fore coming to work at the clinic, was an 
architect in Lebanon. 

Appropriately, the main dish tonight is 


lamb. Also on the menu are carrot juice, 
zucchini, St. Pierre (a fish) in watercress 
sauce and roshti (Swiss hashbrowns). Every- 
thing is tasty, and as the wine begins to 
flow, everyone becomes extremely anima 
ed and funny. It has grown so dark on the 
terrace we can no longer see one another's 
faces, and we are sad to have 10 leave. 


б 

Upon our return to New York, I try to 
evaluate all I have experienced. 

It impressed me that almost everyone 
with whom I talked who has taken the 
treatment—from Blanche Cutler to Pearl 
to Henry Burmeister to Frank Foreman to 
Sonia Lastick—was peppy, energetic and 
youthful. Itis probable that a place such as 
Clinique La Prairie attracis people more 
and youthful than in the general 
population to begin with (certainly, it at- 
tracts those more affluent), and that may 
be one reason its patients seem so perky. 

It is hard to know what difference the 
therapy actually makes. From meeting the 
staff at Cl jue La Pri s I think most of 
them believe the treatment works. From 
meeting the patients, I think most of them 
believe it works, as well. Until Christiaan 
Barnard completes the research that will 
be accepted by the scientificcommun 
not possible to say much more than that. 

After much agonizing soul searching, 
Suzanne and I have decided to join the 55- 
year procession of movie stars, Popes, 
prime ministers, imams, princes and im- 
porters of chemicals that clean the boilers 
of utility companies. We are definitely 
(well, almost definitely) going back 10 
Clinique La Prairie in two (well, possibly 
three) months to take the sheep shots. If 
we do, I promise to let you know how it all 


“Look, stop trying to aim it. Just lean back and throw.” 


RUN, SALLY, RUN 


(continued from page 138) 
is impressed—not for the first time—by 
the comfortable serenity that avarice can 
create, 

He is kept waiting only ten minutes, 
which he endures stoically, and then is ush- 
ered into the private office of С. Fergus 
Twiggs. This chamber, as large as Cone's 
loft, murmurs money, money, money. On 
the floor is an enormous Persian rug, and 
on the beige-linen walls are cak-framed 
water colors of sailing yachts, most with 
spinnakers set. 

С. Fergus Twiggs is a veritable Toby jug 
of a man: short, squat, plump, with a smile 
and manner so beneficent that the Wall 
Street dick can see him with а pewier 
tankard of ale in one fist anda clay pipe in 
the other. 

“Thank you for coming by" Twiggs 
genially, shaking hands. He gets Cone seat- 
ed in a leather chair alongside his 
mastodontic desk. “I needn't tell you how 
upsetting this entire matter has become; 
the whole house is disturbed.” 

“Look, Mr. Twiggs,” Cone says, "there's 
not much I can do about the Wee Tot Fash- 
ions deal. The cat is out of the bag on that 
one. You'll just have to take your lumps.” 

“I realize that. The problem is how to 
prevent it from happening again. 

"You can't,” Timothy says. “Unless you 
figure a way to repeal human greed—and 
I doubt if you can do that. Listen, the leak 
on Wee Tot Fashions may not have been in 
your house at all. The arbitragers have a 
zillion ways of sniffing out а deal while it’s 
still in the talking stage. They pick up one 
little hint, hear one little rumor that X.Y.Z. 
is going to make an offer for A.B.C., and 
they go to work. 

“Twiggs gives him a quirky smile. “Are 
you trying to talk yourself out of ajob, Mr. 
Cone?” 

“Nah. I just want you to understand the 
problems involved. And I'd like to know 
what you expect Haldering and Company 
to do about them.” 

“What I'd like you to do is spend as 
much time in our offices as you feel is nec- 
essary and review all the security precau- 
tions I have instituted. Be as critical as you 
like. Make any suggestions you wish that 
will make insider trading at Pistol & Burns 
if not impossible, then at least more 
difficult.” 

“Yeah,” Cone says, J can do that. As 
long as you understand I cant make the 
place airtight. No one can. I'll tackle your 
setup like I was an employee out to make a 
dishonest buck from trading on inside 
secrets. That should be easy; I've got a 
criminal mind.” 

Twiggs smiles again and rises. 
you're exactly the man for the job, 

. 

Manhattan comes across the bridge, the 
ish and cluttered city where civility is a 
ign language and the brittle natives 
speak in screams. Sally Steiner loves it; itis 


“L think 
hesays. 


her turf, All the rough and raucous people 
she buffets—hostility is a way of life. Speak 
softly and you are dead 

Her brother Eddie lives in a five-story 
walk-up in Hell's Kitchen оп a ramshackle 
street awaiting the wrecker's ball. 

His apartment is spacious enough but ill 
proportioned and furnished with castoffs 
and gutter salvage. But the ceilings are 
high; there is a skylight. Room enough for 
easel, taboret, paints, palettes, brushes. 
And white walls for his unsold paintings: a 
crash of color. 

He has his mother's beauty and his fa- 
ther’s body: a swan's head atop a pit bull. 
When he embraces Sally, she smells tur- 
pentine. 

“Where's Paul?" asks Sally. 

“Bartending at a joint on Eighth Avenue. 
Ius just a part-time thing, but it brings in 
some loot. 

“Paul's a sweetheart,” Sally says. 

Her brother smiles. “He'll be back soon. 
You seem down. Problems?” 

“Well, you know. 'm not doing what I 
want to be doing.” 

“Which is? Making money?” 

"Sure" she says, challenging 
“That's what it's all about, isn't it?” 

“I guess,” he says, sighing. “The bottom 
line.” 

“You better believe it, buster. I see these 
guys raking in the bucks. .. . Like that ban- 
dido 1 pay off. I've got more brains than 
him, but hes living off my sweat. What 


him. 


kind of crap is that?” 
ife is unfair,” he says, smiling. 
If you let it be unfair. Not me. I'm going 
to be out there grabbing like all the rest— 
if Lever get the chance.” 

He looks at his paintings hanging on 
the walls. “There's more than just greed, 
Sally” 


s who? What? Tell me what." 
‘Satisfaction with your work. Love. Joy. 
Sex.” 


ex?" she says. "Sex is dead. Money is 
the sex of our time. 

Paul Ramsey comes in. He is a tall blond 
with a sweet smile and more teeth than һе 
really needs. Hes got a laid-back manner, 
and Eddie says that when the world blows 
up, Paul is going to be the one who mur- 
“Oh, yeah? Cool.” 
aul,” Sally says, “I got a proposition 
for you. 

“Sorry” he says with a seraphic grin, 
“my evenings are occupied.” 

She tells him what she wants. She'll give 
him the name of a stockbroker. Hes to 
open an account by purchasing shares of 
AT&T. Shell give him the money. After 
that, he'll buy and sell on her instructions. 

“I'll pay all the losses,” she says. “You get 
five percent of the profits. How about it?” 

The two men look at each other. 

“Go for it, Paul,” Eddie Steiner advises. 
“My beautiful sister is a financial genius.” 
OK," Paul Ramsey says, shrugging. 
“Why not?" 


Sally has come prepared. She hands over 
a manila envelope with $2500 in cash and 
the name and phone number of her stock- 
broker inside. 

“Stick with me, kid,” she tells Paul, kiss- 
ing his cheek, “and you'll be wearing dia- 
monds.” 

“I prefer emeralds,” he says. 

. 

Back in his cubbyhole office, Cone takes 
off cap and anorak and lets them drop to 
the floor, because some office thief has 
snaffled his coat tree. He lights his fourth 
or fifth cigarette of the day and sits down 
behind his scarred desk. He calls Jeremy 


ing. Whos this 

“Timothy Cone at Haldering and Cs 
pany.” 

“Hey, old buddy! 1 was thinking of giv- 
ing you a call. I hear you guys got the Pistol 
& Burns account.” 

“Bad news travels fast. Listen, Jerry, you 
looked into a possible leak on the Wee Tot 
Fashions deal, didn't you? 

“That's right.” Bigelow' voice turns cau- 
tious. "I've been working it. You got some- 
thing for me?” 

“Nope. But whats your take on that 
Twiggs?" Cone asks. 

I think he's straight,” Bigelow says. “А 
gentleman of the old school. But not too 
swift when it comes to street smarts.” 

“So how do you figure the Wee Tot 


m- 


From the makers of 
Jack Daniels... 


PLAYBOY 


168 


? The arbitragers? 
k so. I don't believe anyone at P 
tol & Burns was on the take. It was just ru- 
jor and good deteetivework by the arbs. 
We checked all the trading in Wee Tot in 
the past few weeks. There was one 
trade, ten thousand shares, by an amateur. 
А woman named Sally Steiner, a real look- 
er. But she owns a garbage-collection ошї 
on Eleventh Avenue. She plays the ma 
for fun and just made a lucky pick.” 
Did you talk to her? 
“Of course,” Bigelow says, offended. 
“Th: what they're paying me coolie 
wages for. Shes a tough bimbo іп the 
waste-disposal business. She claims she 
bought Wee ‘Tot stock bec she wants to 
get out of garbage and open a store that 
sells kids’ clothes. She figured the annt 
reports of Wee Tot would help her learn 
the business. It makes sense. 
“Sure, it does,” Timothy Cone says. 
in, Jerry: 


Back at the office, Sally ponders her next 
move. She's got to use fronts, some bubble- 
heads who won't have a glimmer of what 
shes doing. She looks out the window and. 
sees Terry Mulloy and Leroy Hamilton 
wheeling onto the tarmac to dump th 
load. 

“Oh, yeah,” Sally breathes 

She grabs her shoulder bag and gocs 
running out. She has to wait until they 
wash up in the locker room. 

"Hey, you bums,” she says. 
lunch?" 


lant a free 


“Whee!” Leroy says. “Cl 
What's the occasion, Sally, bal 


She picks ош a table in a back corner of 


the diner. They give Mabel their ord 
three cheeseburgers, home fries, cole slaw 
and beer. 
cither of you guys get hold of a 
2” she asks them. 
They look at each other. 
Mulloy says. 
1's a special job. 1 need a pickup every 
Tuesday and Thursday, And it means an 
hundred a week for each of you, In 
cash. OM the books.” 

“No trouble with the buttons?” Hamil- 
ton says. 

What trouble?” Sally sa 
questions, you know nothing; you're ji 
following the orders of the boss.” 


“Anyone asks 
i 


Sounds good to me," Mulloy says, 
ncing at Hamilton. 
"ll play along,” Hamilton says 
. 
С. Fergus Twiggs must have spread the 


word, because, alter identifying himself, 
Timothy Cone has no problems getting in- 
to Pistol & Burns. He's allowed to roam the 
hushed corridors, examine offices, poke 
into closets and check the fire-escape doors 
to scc if they сап be opened from the out- 
side. 

Cone doesn’t leave the offices during the 
hi hour, because he w 
1-powered executiv 


“You won't find any outrageous claims А 
here, Mx. Stephens. Just some straight talk and plain 
facis about hair replacement.” 


back, their eyes glazed with a three-mar- 
tini lunch. He strikes out on that; all the 
PKB. employees seem sober, industrious 
and dull. 

“You've got to learn to operate defen- 
sively,” he tells Twiggs. “I don't mean you've 
got to make this place into a fortress, but 
you should take some more precautions, or 
опе of these days, some outlaws are going 
to stroll in here and waltz out with the f; 
ily jewel: 

“What kind of precautions? 

“All your typewriters and business ma- 
es should be bolted to the desks. You 
1 even get attachments with burglar 
alarms if you want to go that far, But 
you've got a zillion dollars’ worth of 
portable machinery that could be carted 
off with no trouble at all. Bolt it down.” 

“Good idea,” the senior partner says. 
“Anything else?” 

“Yeah, those paper shredders you're us- 
ing to destroy confidential document 
They're antiques. Shredded documents 
can be pasted together again. You need 
new models that turn paper into confetti.” 

“Excellent suggestion. More?” 

“This one is going to cost you bucks. 
You've got your mergers-and-acquisitions 
people scattered all over the place. An 
office here, ап office there. Thats an 
tation to kaks. You've got to consolidate 
that whole department. And that area has 
to be behind a locked door that can only be 
opened by authorized personnel with a 
computer-coded card.” 

“los pund more and more 
like a fortress,” Twiggs says with a wan 
smile. 

Conc shrugs. “Your M. 
are writing too 
many suggestion 


nd-A. people 
os, 100 
lyses of 


“Weve got to comm 
protests. 


“Not on paper, you don't. Computerize 
the whole operation. If anyone has som 


out or merger, he puts it on the computer. 
Anyone else who's involved can call it up 
on his monitor—but only if he knows the 
code word, You understand? Also, the 
computer can keep a list of who requests 
access to the record.” 

С. Fergus ‘Twiggs shakes his head dole- 
fully. “Whats the world coming 102" he 


cats the hell out of me,” Timothy 
Cone says. 

. 
ng to your accountant,” 
This fucking dump is 


been tal 
Mario Corsini says 
old mine." 

“You got no right to talk to my account- 
ant,” Sally says hotly. 

“Why not?” Corsini says with his steely 
smile. “Нех my uncle. The numbers he 
gave me were а real eye opener. | never 
knew there was that much money in shit. 
So we're going to take over, girlie. We'll pay 
you a nice price.” 

“Drop dead,” she says wrathfully. “This 


dump has been in my family for forty 
years. My father started it with one lousy 
pickup truck and worked his ass off. Stein- 
er Waste Control is not for sale.” 

"Everything for sale,” he says. "You, 
me, everything. My lawyers drawing up 
the papers.” 

“And what if I refuse to sign?” 

He stares at her a moment, then waggles 
his fingers. “Bye-bye,” he says. 

“Listen,” she says desperately, "you ever 
play the stock market 

“Yeah, Го in and out occasionally" 

“Well, look, I got a boyfriend on Wall 
Street. Hes a lawyer in the mergers-and- 
acquisitions department of a big invest 
mentbanking firm. He gets іп on the 
ground floor on mergers, take-overs and 
buy-outs. Theres а lot of money to be 
made if you get advance notice of these 
deals, Гуе been making a mint. You let me 
keep Steiner Waste Control and ЛІ feed 
you the same inside information 1 get from 
my boyfriend 

Corsini gives her a two-bit smile. “And 
you invest for the boyfriend and then kick 
back to him. Haye I got it straight, girlie?” 

“Of course,” she says. “Whaddya think? 
And don't call me girlie.” 

“Close the door and sit down,” he savs. 

She does as he says: closes the door and 
sits down behind her desk. She examines 
him in silence 

He is a repellent man, with a pitted 
ocherous complexion and eyes like wet 


coal. His shiny black hair is parted in the 
middle and plastered to his long skull like 
a gigolo's or a tango dancers of the Twen- 
ties. Hes wearing morticians clothes: 
black suit, white shirt, black tie, black 
socks, black shoes. No color. No jewelry. Не 
looks like a decp shadow. 

“OK,” he says finally “You give me a win. 
ner and I'll stall on buying you out.” 

“How do I know youre not scamming 
me?” Sally says. “Maybe you just want to 
make a quick dollar on my tip and you 
couldnt care less if I lose the dump.” 

He looks at her admiringly. “You got 
more between your ears than pasta fa- 
gioli,” he says. “And sure, you're exactly 
right; I could be conning you. But you're 
forgetting one thing: You got no choice. 
Play along and at least you gota chance.” 

“1 got other choices,” she says angrily. 

z he says with a death’s-head grin 
Like running to the D.A and 
ratting? You'd be cold in a week. Is that 
what you want?” 

They sit a few moments in silence, eyes 
locked. They hear the sounds of the 
dump: trucks rumbling in and out, gears 
grinding, shouts and laughter. And be- 
yond, the noises of the harsh, raucous city: 
sirens, whistles, the roar of traffic and un- 
der it all, a thrumming, as if the metropo- 
lis had а diapason of its own, coming up 
from underground vaults and vibrating 
the tallest towers 

Sally Steiner pulls a pad of scratch paper 


toward her and scribbles on the top sheet 

“The stock is Trimbley and Diggs,” she 
says. "NASDAQ market, Right now, its sell- 
ing for about four bucks a share. And 
dont, for God's sake, buy more than nine 
thousand shares at a clip or the SEC might 
gel interested.” 

Mario Corsini takes the slip of paper 
“Nice doing business with you,” he says, 

He starts out the door. “Hey,” she calls, 
and he turns back. “Thanks for not calling 
me girlie.” 


. 
When Timothy Cone gets back to his 
office, there's a message on his desk: Call 
Jeremy Bigelow. So, without taking off his 
p, Cone phones the SEC investigator. 
Hi ya, old buddy” Jerry says breezily 
“How did you make out at Pistol & Burns?” 
"Like you said, it's as holey as Swiss 
. | gave them some ways to close the 


But no evidence of an insider leak?” 

“I didn't find an 

“That's a relief. I wrote in my report it 
was the arbs who caused the run-up of the 
stock. I guess I was right.” 

“Uh-huh,” Cone says. 

“So much for the good news. Now comes 
the bad, We got another squeal on insider 
trading” 

“Oh, Jesus,” the Wall Street dick says 
“Dont tell me its a Pistol & Burns deal.” 

“No, this one is at Snellig, Firsten and 
Holbrook. You know the outfit?" 


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“The junk-bond specialists?” 

“That's right. They're supposed to have 
the best security on the Street, but they're 
handling a leveraged buy-out and some- 
onc is on to it. The stock of the takcc is go- 
ing up, up, up. Listen, could you and I 
mect on Monday? Maybe we can figure out 
what's going on." 

“Maybe,” Gone says. 

. 

Sally Steiner drives down to Eddies 
apartment, stopping on the way to buy him 
a decent Burgundy. 1% a sprightly day, 
summer around the corner, blue sky, sharp 
sun and kissing breeze. 

They're sitting on Eddie's couch, drink- 
ing her Burgundy, talking about their 
mother and whether or not they should try 
another doctor, when Paul Ramsey comes 
ambling in. He gives them a beamy sm 

“1 didnt get the job,” he reports. “They 
decided 1 wasn't the strawberry-laxative 
type. 
“Thank God,” Eddie says. “I don't think 
I could stand seeing you in a commercial, 
coming out of a bathroom and grinning 
like a maniac.” 

“Paul,” Sally says, taking the manila en- 
velope out of her shoulder bag, "here's 


thirty-six thousand in hundred-dollar 
bills." 
“Hey,” he says, "that's cool." 


"You opened a brokerage account?" 

"Oh, sure. No sweat." 

"Well, dump this lettuce in your person- 
al checking account. Draw on it to buy nine 
thousand shares of Jrimbley & Diggs. Your 
broker will find it in NASDAQ. | wrote it 
all out for you. Buy the stock today, as soon 
as possible. You've got five days to get a 
check to the broker.” 

“Does this make me a tycoon?” Paul 
Ramsey asks. 

“A junior tycoon,” Sally tells him. “But 
we're just getting started.” 


. 

The stock of Trimbley & Dig; 
going up, up, up, and Sally 
When it hits seven dollars, she giv 
money to Paul Ranisey and has him buy 
another 9000 shares. 

She also notes that the trading volume of 
as the value of the stock 
rises. She figures either theres an inside 
leak at Snellig, Firsten and Holbrook or the 
arbitragers have ferreted out the take-over 
and are looking to make a bundle. So is 
Sally. And so, apparently, is Mario Corsini. 
He calls her at home, late at night, a week 
after their talk in her office. 

“Good tip,” he says, his raspy voi 
vealing neither joy nor enthusiasm, 
buying morc?" 

“Thinking about it." 

“How high do you think it'll go?" 

“Who knows?” she says. “Леп. Twelve, 
maybe.” 

“Twelve?” he says cautiously. “If it hits 
twelve, you think I should bail out? 

“Hey,” she says, “I'm not your financial 
advisor. I gave you a good tip. What you do 
with it is your business. And what about my 


business? What's going to happen to Stein- 
er Waste Control?” 

"I'm working on it,” he says. 

He hangs up abruptly, leaving Sally star- 
ing angrily at her dead phone. It infuriatcs 
her that she’s enabling that gonif to make 
even one lousy buck. 

. 

Back in his loft, Timothy Cone pops a 
tall can of Bud. Then he opens his brick 
case and dumps the contents onto his 
wooden table. He sets the empty case оп 
the floor, and Cleo immediately jumps in 
and curls up contentedly. 

“Leave your fleas in there,” Cone tells 
the cat. 

He reads all the papers and reads them 
again. Then he sits back and considers the 
case. Its preuy much as Bigelow described 
it. The first documents are dated about 
three weeks previously and deal with Snel- 
lig, Firsten and Holbrook's suggested plan 
for the proposed buy-out of Trimbley & 
Diggs, Inc. 

Subsequent documents amend and 
refine the plan. Then there's a letter assur- 
ing the principals involved that the re- 
quired funds can be raised through the 
sale of high-risk bonds, and Srcllig, 
Firsten and Holbrook has “every con- 
fidence” that the bond issue will be over- 
subscribed. 

All that is routine stuff, and Cone can’t 
see anything freaky going on. What inter- 
ests him more are the computer records of 
trading activity іп Itimbley & Diggs. ‘The 
to climb about ten days ago, 
and the stock, listed in the NASDAQ mar- 
ket, rose in value steadily from about four 
dollars a share to its current price of slight- 
ly more than eight dollars. Nice. 

Cone leans down to address the cat. 
“Sometimes, the bulls make money,” he 
says, “and sometimes, the bears make mon- 
ey. lis the pigs who always get stuck." 

But who are these lucky investors who 
doubled their stake in about ten days? 
Cone goes over the computerized tra 
records agai a 
him. He cant spot any trades of 10,000 
shares or more, but there are plenty for 
9000 shares. Timothy figures that’s be- 
cause a lot of wise guys have heard that the 
terested іп trades of 1OK shares 
If they buy or sell 9000 shares, 
ink they're home free. 

Since no one is going to finance his trav- 
cls to investigate out-of-state buyers, he 
concentrates on the names of New York in- 
yestors. One that catches eye is a man 
named Paul Ramsey, who lives on 47th 
Street at an address that places his resi- 
dence west of Tenth Avenue. 

‘That sets off alarm bells, because, after 
Cone returned from Nam, he lived for two 
years in a five-story walk-up on 48th, east 
of Tenth, and he knows what a slummy 
neighborhood that is. Its in the middle of 
Hell's Kitchen, with run-down tenements, 
sad mom-and-pop bodegas, dusty beer 
joints and boarded-up buildings awaiting 
demolition. It's hard to believe that one of 


the residents is a stock-market plunger. 
Not many ghetto dwellers deal in gold 
coins, cither. 

He gocs through the computer print- 
outs for the fourth time, checking Paul 
Ramscy's trades. It looks to Conc as if the 
guy now owns 27000 shares of Trimbley & 
Diggs, Inc., bought at an average of 
bucks a share. If he sells out today, he'll 
walk away with a profit of about $54,000. 
Not bad for someone who lives where a 
mugger would be happy with a take of ten 
dollars—enough for a vial of crack. 

Cone pulls on his leather cap and takes 
his grungy raincoat in case the drizzle has 
thickened. Just before he 
checks the short-barreled S&W .357 i 
ankle holster. Reassured, he ventures out 
to visit his old neighborhood. 

Ramsey's building looks the way Cone 
imagined it: peeling paint, torn shades, 
cracked windows. It is dreary and dying, 
and no way would you figure itas the resi- 
dence of a Wall Street plunger. 

He goes into the cramped vestibule, 
which smells of urine and boiled cabbage. 
There'sa bell plate, but no names are listed 
in the slots. But there are names on the 
mailboxes. Two are listed for apartment 
five-A. 

One is Paul Ramsey, 

The other is Edward Steiner, 

D 

Cone finds a working public telephone 
and calls Neal K. Davenport, a detective 
with the New York Police Department. He 
has worked with Davenport on a lew 
things, and the city bull owes him. 

“Hey, Sherlock,” the N.Y.PD. man says 
cheerily. "How ya doing? I havent heard 
from you in weeks. So why are you calling 
now?” 
lis about the commercial garbage-col- 
‘ion business.” 

"Oh?" Davenport says. “You want a letter 
of recommendation 

"Cut the bullshit 


le 


Cone says, "and just 
tell me if Fm right. Private garbage collec- 
tion, waste disposal and cartage in Мап- 
hattan are pretty much controlled by the 
Families—correct?” 

"So Гус heard," the N.Y.PD. man says. 
“They have the whole fucking city divided 
into districts and neighborhoods. If you 
want to pick up shit, you've got to pay ducs 
to the bent noses. So what else is пс 

“Thanks,” Cone says. “Nice talking to 
Kar 


б 

Timothy Gone looks up the telephone 
number of Edward Steiner, West 47th 
Street, in the Manhattan directory and 


"Our name is Silas Farthingale. We 
the director of dient data for the Carlton 
Insurance Company. A Miss Sally Steiner 
has applied for a single-premium-annuity 
policy with Carlton. It pays a death benefit, 
of course, and you are listed as beneficiary 
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relationship to Miss Steiner so her applica- 
tion can be processed as expeditiously as 
possible.” 

“Sure,” 
brother. 

“We thank you very much, Mr. Steiner.” 

So now Gone knows that much. 

But none of his theorizing sheds any 
light on the Steiner womans pipeline into 
Wall Street. She may have an informant 
down there—unless. 

. 

Its a balmy night, and Sally is strolling 
around the front lawn when the silver-gray 
Cadillac pulls into the driveway a little ай- 
ег 12 o'clock. Sally goes back to the lighted 
terrace and waits for Corsini to come up. 

In the den, she offers him a drink. She 
hasn't any Chivas Regal, but he takes a 
snifter of Remy Martin. 

“L dont want you coming to Ozone Park 
anymore,” Corsini announces, “From now 
оп, you'll make your monthly payments to 
‘Tony Ricci, and he'll deliver. I'm bringing 
him along slowly. He'll be my driver one of 
these days.” 

“My monthly payments?” Sally 
“Does that mean I keep the dump?” 

“For the time being,” he says coldly. “Just 
keep running it the way you have, and well 
sce. You got another stock for me? 

“No, Not yet.” 

He takes a sip of his cognac. “You better 
be extra nice to that boyfriend of yours,” 
he ad: “Figure it this way: As long as 
you keep coming up with inside tips that 
pay off, that's how long you'll own Steiner 
Waste Control. You can understand that, 
cant you?" 

“Yeah, sure; it isn't all that complicated.” 

“Now, about that Trimbley & Diggs 
stock,” he says. “Right now, Im holding 
about a hundred thousand shares.” 

“What?” 

“You heard me. A hundred thousand. 
But don't get your balls in an uproar. L only 
bought nine thousand in my own name. 
The other buys were made by friends of 
mine around the country. They'll get a cut 
of the profits. And none of them bought 
more than nine thousand shares cach, so 
theres nothing to worry about.” 

“I hope you're right,” Sally says nervous- 
ly, biting at her thumbnail. “Jesus, you 
must have about half a million tied up in 
that stock." 

“About,” he says carelessly. “I had to bor- 
row to get up the kale. And the people I 
borrowed from wouldn't like it if I stifled 
them, So I'm going to start taking some 
profits.” 

“Oh 
“Don 
dred thousand shares a 
the market." 

Whaddya think—I'm a klutz? Of 
course I'm not going to dump it all. Im 
selling off little by little. It won't hurt the 
stock price. But I want to see some money” 

At the front door, he pauses and turns to 

her. He reaches out to stroke her cheek, 


Eddie says, laughing. “I'm her 


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but she jerks angrily away, and he gives her 
a mirthless smile. 

"You're some woman," he says. “You've 
got guts. Га teach you how to be nice, but I 
don't want to ruin what you've got going 
with your Wall Street guy. 

She doesn't answer. Just glares at him. 
She watches until he gets into the Caddy 
and drives away. She goes back into the den 
and stares at his empty brandy glass. En- 
raged, she backhands it off the desk, hop- 
ing shatter into 100 pieces. But it 
bounces harmlessly on the rug, and she 
leaves it there. 

She unloads her first purchase of 9000 
shares the next morning, making a profit 
of about $36,000. She gives Paul Ramsey 
his five percent, and he looks at the cash in 
bemusement. 

“Cool,” he says. 


. 

On Thursday morning, carly, Gone 
parked on Hth Avenue across from Stein- 
er Waste Control. He has come prepared 
with two deli sandwiches (baloney on rye 
with mustard, roast beef on white with 
yo) and four cans of Miller beer in a 
plastic bag filled with ice cubes. 

The garbage dump comes to life. Cone 
watches as the gate is unlocked and 
thrown open. Employees arrive, trucks are 
revved up, the gas pump is busy and a 
woman comes out of the office to yell some- 
thing Cone can't hear at an old guy who 
comes limping from one of the corrugat- 
ed-steel sheds. 

Ihere are six huge Loadmaster com- 
pacters, all painted yellow. Timothy thanks 
God and his good-luck angels when he 
sees that not only do the garbage trucks 
bear the legend SIEINER WASTE CONTROL but 
each has a big number painted on the side, 
опе to six. Atleast Cone wont be following 
the same truck for a мсек. 

Truck number four pulls out first, and 
Gone starts up the Dodge Shadow and 
goes after it. For the next seven hours, he 
cals the truck's exhaust, going where it 
goes, stopping when it stops, returning to 
the dump when it returns to drop a load. 

Mcanwhile, he’s making scrawled notes 
on the back of a brown envelope that o 
ned a nasty letter from the IRS 
m that he owed Uncle Sam an 


of places it serviced—restaurants, apart 
ment houses, diners, industrial buildings, 
taverns. 

By the end of the day sandwiches and 
beers consumed, Cone is bored and 
cranky, wondering if he has the fire to keep 
this up for a week. What bugs him is the 
fear that each truck may have a different 
schedule of rubbish pickups every day. IF 
that's true, itll take a month of Sundays to 
list all of Sally Steiner's custome 

But on Friday morning, he's there agai 
parked and waiting. Now there are big 
flatbeds pulling through the Steiner gate 
to load up with strapped bales of paper 
and open-bed trucks being filled with 


cubes of compacted garbage to be taken, 
Cone presumes, to landfills on Long Island 
or in New Jersey, and smaller trucks load- 
ing up with tons of swill for what purpose 
Cone doesn't even want to imagine 

On Friday, he follows truck number two. 
On Monday, he shadows truck number 
five. And on Tuesday, he takes off after 
truck number three. 

Truck number three is being driven by a 
redheaded guy with a map of Ireland 
spread all over his face. The loader is a 
broad-shouldered black who looks as if he 
could nudge a locked door off its hinges 
with no trouble at all. 

Everything in their ‘Tuesday routine is 
normal and dull until about one o'clock, 
when truck number three slows and turns 
into an alleyway alongside a onc-story 
der-block building on Tenth Avenuc. Cone 
parks across the strcet and opens his s 
ond pack of Camcls of the day. From where 
he sits, hc has a good view of the action. 

‘The loader climbs down from the cab. 
But instead of hefting the cylindrical bar- 
rels of trash that have been put out for 
pickup, he exits the alley and starts walk- 
ing down Tenth Avenue. Cone straightens 
up, interested enough to forget to light his 
cigarete. 

Ina couple of minutes, a battered Chevy 
van pulls into the alley and stops right be- 
hind the Steiner truck. The loader gets out 
of the Chevy, opens the back doors and be- 
gins to lift the barrels into the van. 

“What the hell?” Cone says aloud, and 
then realizes he now has wo cigareues E- 
ing at once. He licks thumb and forefinger 
and pinches one out, saving it carefully in 
the ashtray. The van, loaded with four bar- 
rels, backs out of the alley and starts north 
оп Tenth Ayenue. Cone takes a quick look 
at the cinderblock building. It has a brass 
plate next to the front door, but it's so small 
he can't read it from across the street. The 
yellow truck hasn't moved, so Cone gets 
rolling and follows the van. 

He's keeping a tight tail, but city traffic is 
heavy and it's doubtful if the loader will 
spot him, even if hes looking fora shadow. 
Cone doesn't think that is likely; the guy is 
driving steadily at legal speeds and mak- 
ing no effort to jink. 

On the Fast Side, they turn up First 
Avenue and continue north, almost to 
125th Street. Now Cone guesses where 
they're heading: to the Triborough Bridge 
‘They stop briefly to pay their tolls, then 
head across the span. 

They get onto the Long Island Express- 
way moving at a lively clip. They turn off 
onto the Northern State Parkway, turn 
again onto the Sunken Meadow State Park- 
way. The van is slowing now, and Cone has 
time to look around. Pretty country. Plenty 
of trees. Some impressive homes with 
white picket fences. 

Down Main Street in Smithtown and in- 
to an area where the homes are even big- 
ger, set on wide lawns with white-graveled 
driveways leading to the houses and two- 
or three-car garages. The van turns into 


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one of those driveways. Cone continues 
down the road a piece, pulls onto the 
shoulder and parks. He hops out, lights a 
cigarette and saunters back, He stands in 
the 
pines and watches the loader lug the four 
barrels, one at a time, into а neat white 
we with a shingled roof. 

With the four barrel side, the man 
starts bringing them out again and sliding 
them into the van—or so it seems; Ше b 
rels are identical in appearance. Timothy 
is flummoxed until he realizes whats going, 
on. The guy has delivered four new bar- 
rels; he’s picking up four old barrels that 
were already stored in the garage. 

Cone sees the loader climb behind the 
wheel of the van. Away he goes. Cone will 
make book on exactly where hes heading: 
back to the city to make contact with truck 
number three, dump the trash in the big 
yellow Loadmaster and then return the 
empty barrels to the alleyway alongside 
that building on Tenth Avenue. 

Cone stays where he is, cycballing the 
id home, Nice place. The house is 
two stories high with a lot of windows. 
Weathered brick halfway up and white 
clapboard the rest of the way. A tiled ter- 
race at one side with French doors to the 
house. All set on what looks to be a one- 
acre plot, at least, with a manicured lawn 
and a few pieces of Victorian cast-iron fur- 
niture scattered about. 

And he spots a sign on a short post dri 
en into the lawn. It reads: stein. 

. 

Hes back in Manhattan by four o'clock, 
but it takes him almost 45 minutes to work 
his way over to the West Side. He finally 
s on 18th Street near Tenth Avenue, 
with his watch nudging five рм. He practi- 


8 


miconcealment of а small copse of 


ly runs back to the one-story cinder- 
block building. The brass plate next to the 
front door reads: REICHHOLD PRINTING. Just 
that and nothing mort 

The front door is still open, but when he 
pushes his way in, a blowzy blonde im the 
front office is putting on her hat. It looks 
like a velvet chamber pot. 

“Were closed for the day,” she tells Gone. 
ah," he says, giving her what he fan- 
ciesisa charming smile. “The front door is 
open. I just want to get some letterheads, 
bills and business cards printed up.” 

“We don’t do that kind of work,” she says 


ys. “Well, what kind of 
work do you do?" 

nancial printing” she says. 

[hank you very much,” the Wall Street 
dick says, tipping his leather cap. "Sorry to 
bother you 


E 

‘Twiggs's face reddens, he seems to swell, 
and for a moment, Cone fears the senior 
partner is going to have cardiac arrest, 
ог at least bust his braces. But sudden- 
ly Twiggs starts laughing, his face all 
squinched up, tears starting from his eyes. 
He pounds the desk with his fist 

“The garbage collector!” he says, splut- 
tering. “Oh, God, that's good! Thats beau- 
tiful! Vil dine off that story for years to 
come! What do we do now?” 

“Nothing you can do about the merger 
i But for the future, 


the same thing won't happen again. Or 
ick with Reichhold, but every time you 
give him something to print, send over a 
couple of guys who can make sure all pre- 
liminary proofs are destroyed. Or—and 1 


“Dont let it bother you. I’m expecting 
an important call.” 


like this one best—equip your mergers- 
and-acquisitions department with the new 
desktop publishers. You'll be able to pro- 
duce most of the docume 
right here in your own shop, including 
graphs, charts and tables. The machines 
aren't cheap, but they'll save you a mint on 
commercial-printing costs. 

“Pll look into it immediately” Twiggs 
ys. “You're going to report this garbage 
collector to the SEC? 

“As soon as possible. 

“And whats going to happen to—what’s 
her name? 

“Sally Steiner. If she's the stand-up gonif 
L think she is, she'll fight any attempt by 
the SEC to charge her or make her cough 
up her profits. What, actually, did she do? 
Dig through some barrels of rubbish, that’s 

Il. She's home free. Thats what she 
thinks, and I hate to admit it, but she may 
be right.” 

“I wonder,” says G. Fergus Twiggs 
thoughtfully, “if she'd consider employ- 
ment with an investment banker.” 

Cone smiles and rises to leave. “You 
could do a lot worse,” he says. “Nice meet- 
ing you, Mr. Twiggs. 

D 

At noon at Steiner Waste Control, there 
are four big yellow trucks on the tarmac, 
waiting to unload. Most of the guys have. 
gone to the Stardust Diner lor lunch, but 
Anthony Ricci is waiting in the outer 
office. Sally Steiner knows wha 

“Tony come into my office. 

The kid really is a beauty, no doubt 
about it, and she wonders what Eddie 
would think of him—and then de 
she’s never going to bring them together 
and find out. Paul Ramsey would kill her 
curls, 
s and a mouth artfully de- 
signed for kissing. He has a muscled body 
and moves with the spring of a young ani 
mal. He has been working all morning, but 
he doesn't smell of garbage; he smells of 
male sweat with a musky undertone. 

“How's it going, Tony?” Sally asks him. 

Like the job?” 

“Its OK," the kid says. 
not about to spend the rest of my 
ing barrels of shit." 

“You're not?" she says, putting him on. 
ave you got in mind—an e 
job where vou can we: 
grammed shirts and Armani suits? 

"Yeah," he says seriously “I think I 
would like a desk job” 

“With a secretary? A blu 
with big knockers 

He gives her the 100-watt grin. “Maybe. 
But not necessary.” 

“What kind of a woman are you looking 
for? 

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les 


Ricci has a helmet of crisp blac 
bedroom cy 


оға while. l'm 
fe lift- 


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eyed blonde 


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burning eyes locked with hers. “An older 
woman,” he says in a low voice. “Lam tired 
of young girls who talk only of clothes and 
rock stars and want to go to the most ex- 
pensive restaurants and clubs. Yeah, Fi 


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PLAYBOY 


178 


interested in older women.” 

“Because they're grateful?” Sally sug- 
gests 

He considers that. “It’s true,” he says 
finally, and she decides he may be an Ado- 
nis, but he has no fucking brains. “Also,” 
he continues, “older women are settled and 
know about life. They are smart about 
money, and they work hard.” 

He stares at her with such intensity that 
she begins to get antsy. 

“Well,” she says, “let’s get down to busi- 
ness.” She slides a sealed white envelope 
from the top drawer of her desk and hands 
it to him. “You know what's in that, Tony?” 

He nods soberly. “More than I make a 
month for lifting garbage.” 

“You better believe it,” Sally says. “So 
don't lose it or take off for Las Vegas. А re- 
ceipt isnt necessary: 

That last goes right over his head. 

“Maybe some night we could have din- 
ner,” he says, more of a statement than a 
question. know a restaurant down on 
Mulberry Street. Not expensive, but the 
food is delizioso. Would you like to have 
dinner with me?” 

“Sure, says to Anthony Кісі 
not?" 


. 
Sergeant Joseph D'Amato, from the Or- 
ganized Crime Bureau, looks and dresses 
like a college professor. He's a tall, gawky 
guy with a Mount Rushmore face and big 
sparulate hands His tweed jacket has 
suede patches on the elbows, and his cor- 
dovan kilties are polished to a 
gloss. He's smoking a long, thin cigarillo, 
so Cone thankfully lights up his ninth 
arette of the day 
Those names you gave me," D'Amato 
says. “All illegals. Members of the same 


Family. The biggie on your list is Mario 
Corsini, a hood we've been interested in.” 

“Is this Co nto extortion of pri 
carters and garbage collectors? 

“Sure, he is. Why do you ask? 

So, for the second time that morning, 
Cone describes the activities of Sally Stei 
er and how she has been able to come up 
with those profitable stoci 
That's lovely,” D'Amato 
finishes. "I'd guess she's pa 
information along to Corsi 
son, I dont know. Maybe she's got the hots 
for the guy. Some women think Mobsters 
are king shit” 

“Maybe,” Cone says. "Or maybe hes 
leaning on her, and those stock tips are 
what she has to pay to stay in busine: 

“Could be,” the sergeant says. He lights 
another of his cigarillos. “About seven or 
eight months ago, Corsini brought a cousin 
over from the old country: It’s legal; the kid 
has all his papers. His name is Antho 
Ricci. Anyway, in that list you gave me, 
re two heavy stock buyers in At- 


ty One was Mario i. The 
s Anthony Ric 
says. "What does that 


Anthony Ricci works for Steiner Waste 
Control.” 
“Let me buy you lunch,” Cone says. 
. 

Timothy Cone and Jeremy Bigelow 
ering down through the Idis- 
trict toward the Battery, stopping at carts 
and vans to pick up calzone, chicken wings 
in soy sauce, raw carrots, chocolate-chip 
cookies, gelato and much, much more. 

“1 made out a thief,” Timothy says. 
“I found the le. 

Jeremy stops on the sidewalk, turns, 


“Any friend of the earth, miss, is a friend of mine.” 


stares at “You're kidding,” he says. 

“Scout's honor,” Cone says, and for the 
third time, he describes how Sally Steiner 
digging through trash from Reichhold 
Printing and finding smeared proofs of 
confidential financial documents. 

He tells Bigelow nothing about the 
Mario Corsini connection. 

‘Twiggs had succumbed to guffaws aft- 
er hearing the story, and Joe D'Amato 
had been amused, but the SEC man is 
infuriated. 

"Son of a bitch,” he says angrily. “I 
should have caught those nine-thousand- 
share trades. How did you break 

“A lot of luck." 

‘You told Pistol & Burn: 

“Oh, sure. Twiggs called me this morn- 
ing. They've canned Reichhold and are 
switching to another commerc 

il desktop-printing 
you better tell Snelli 


1," the other man says worriedly, 
“Ill do that” 

He wipes drops of gelato from his lapel. 
“Do you realize what this means? We'll 
have to get hold of Reichhold’s customer 
ist—get a subpoena if we have to—and 
alert all his Wall Street customers about 
whats going on.” 

That's exactly what Cone wants him to 
say. This guy is brainy but not the hardest 
the world to manipulate. 
h,” he says sympathetically 
Maybe an easier way to handle 
would be for you to pay a visit to Reich- 
hold.” 

“It could be handled that way,” Jeremy 
says thoughtfully, “A lot less work. No sub- 
poenas, charges and court t М 

Sure, Cone agrees. “And why sho 
innocent printer suffer just because 


ly Steiner has larceny in her heart?" 
. 


Back at his lofi, Timothy Cone calls Joe 
D'Amato. “You got a phone number for 
Mario Corsini? I'd like to call him." 

“| haven't got it. But Гуе got the number 
of a social club in Ozone Park. Maybe 
they'll get a message to him to call you 
back. That's the best I can do. 

"Good enough,” Cone say 

He calls the Ozone Park social club. 

A man answers. "Yeah?" he says in а 
voice that sounds as if someone had kicked: 
Adams apple. 

“Td like to speak to Mr. M 
Cone says politely 


Corsini." 
"Never heard of him 
"Who's this?" a new voice shout 
Am I speaking to Mr. Mario Corsi 
You tell me who you are or I hang up.” 

“Mr. Corsini, my name is Smedly 
‘Tonker, and I am an investigator with the 
Securities and Exchange Commission.’ 

“So?” 

“Forgive me for c ; 
Cone goes on, wondering how many years 
he can get for impersonating a Federal 


“but we're working оз 
tigating recent stock trading 
& Diggs, Inc. In the course of our investi- 
gation, careful examination of computer 
records shows that you and your associates 
took a very considerable long position in 
that stock 

“L don't know what the hell youre talk- 
ing abou 

“Im sure you do, Mr. Corsini. Our 
records show a purchase of nine thousand 
shares by you personally through a broker 
in Atlantic Cit 

“I tell you 
know nothing about it 

"Mr. Corsini, our investigation. shows 
you and your friends made your stock pur- 
chases on the basis of inside tips from a Ms. 
Sally Steiner of Steiner Waste Contral. Do 
you know how she got her information, Mr. 
Corsini?” 

"I never heard of the broad. 

So, for the fourth time, Cone relates the 
tale of how trash from Reichhold Printing: 
was delivered to Sallys home, and how she 
rummaged through the garbage to find 
confidential financial documents. 

“Are you claiming you knew nothing 
about Ms. Steiners illegal activities, Mr. 
Corsi 

“Talk to my lawyers, you putz!” the other 
man screams and hangs up. 

Smiling happily, Gone goes back to his 
unfinished drink and polishes it off. 

. 

Sally Steiner thinks of it later as Black 
Friday It starts bad and gets progressively 
worse. On the drive into the city, some 
fucking cowboy cuts her off on the Long 
Island Expressway, and she almost rolls the 
Mazda onto the shoulder. 

Then, when she gets to the office, Reich- 
hold has phoned three times. 

“All right,” Sally says, sighir 
him a call.” 

Reichhold immediately starts splutter- 
1g, roaring and cursing her in German 
She knows enough of the language % гес- 
ognize some of the words he’s using, and 
they're not nice. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” 
she demands. 

“Oh, yes, oh, yes,” he says furiously. “My 
best customer you have cost me. And who 
knows how many more? Maybe all. Be- 
cause you go through my trash, and you 
read my first proofs, and then you buy 
stocks, you Schlampe! You are fired, you 
understand that? And you will hear from 
my lawyers. For my loss of business, you 
will pay plenty, you bet.” 

Sally has been listening to this tirade 
while standing behind her desk. Now, 
knees suddenly trembling, she collapses in- 
to her swivel chair. 

“Who told you all that?” she asks weakly. 

“Who? I tell you who. A man from the 
United States Government, that's who. 
They know what you have been doing. Oh, 
yes, they know everything.” 

She hangs up softly. 

Suddenly frightened—not at possible 


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PLAYBOY 


punishment but at possible loss of her in- 
vestments—she phones Paul Ramsey. 
"Thank God hes in, and she tells him to call 
his broker immediately and sell everything 
at the market price. Just unload totally. 

“That's cool,” he says. 

“You'll do it, Раш? Right awa 

"Sure," he says, and his placidity helps 
calm her. 

But when she hangs up the phone, she 
sees Mario Corsini standing in the door 
way of her office. 

"Thanks for knocking,” she says angrily. 

He comes close to the desk, leans for- 
ward on whitened knuckles. He stares at 
her with dead eyes from under the brim of 
a black fedora. 

“Cunt!” he says venomou: 

"I сап explain,” she star can —" 

“You can explain shit!” he says, voice 
cold and hard. “А boyfriend on Wall 
Street, huh? And all the time you're dig- 
ging through garbage. | should have 
known; that’s your style, you no-good 
bitch. Now 1 got the SEC on my ass, and 
who knows what——” 

“Hey,” Sally says, "take it easy. You're 
imagining a lot of things that might not 
happen. Maybe you'll have to give back 
your profits and pay a fine. That's no big 
deal for a hot-shot like you.” 

“No big deal, huh? And I should tell the 
sharks that? You got shit for brains? Oh, III 
work my way out of this, but I'm going to 
have to grease a lot of people. It's goi 
cost me, and guess who's going to pay?” 

She doesnt answer. 

Corsini looks around the office, goes to 
the window to peer out at the parking lot. 
“Nice place you got here,” he says 

“And its going to stay mine, 
“ГИ never sell.” 

His hand starts to tremble, and he press- 
esit against the side of the desk to steady it. 
She wonders how close he is to popping her 
then and there, 

“Oh, you'll sell,” he says in an unexpect- 
edly soft voice. “Maybe you got the balls to 
fight me, but does your faggot brother?” 

Screw you,” Sally says with more 
bravado than she feel: 

“There is one way you can keep the 
dump,” Mario Corsini says thoughtfully, 
still staring at her. "You put out for me, and 
maybe we can work a deal 

“Christ Almighty!” she crie: 
only way you can get a woman? 

^I can get lot of women," he says, snap- 
ping his fingers. “Like that. But 1 want 
you. I want to break you." Then he starts 
describing what he'll do to her. 

She jerks to her feet. "You prick 
screams. “Get the hell out of my office, 

Your office?" s, looking at her with 
a stretched grin. "Not for long,” 
. 

She's pouring a drink when she looks up 
to sce a tall gangly man standing in the 
doorway. He's wearing а ratty corduroy 
suit and a black-leather cap. He looks like a 
nut, and that’s all Sally needs on this Black 


ly. 


‚he says. 


“Is that the 


he 


180 Friday. 


“TI take one of those,” he says, jerking 
his chin at the schnapps bottle. 

“Who the hell are you?” she demands, 
putting the bottle away 

“My name is Timothy Cone,” the gink 

nd Um with Haldering and Com- 
on John Street. We do financial inves- 
tigations, mostly for corporate clients on 
Wall Street.” 
Beat it, will you?” Sally says wearily. 
“I've already been investigated up and 
down, inside out and both ways from the 
middle. 

1 know,” Cone says. "I'm the one who 
id it. Our client is Pistol & Burns. Wee lot 
Fashions—remember that stock? And 1 
was also in on the Trimbley & Diggs take- 
over leak.” 

She stares at him. “You! 
who blew the whistle on me?” 

"Fm the bastard," he says cheerfully. 
“Sore?” 

“Sore? Why should 1 be sore? You just 
ruined my life, that's all.” 

“Nah,” Timothy s 
doubtif the SEC will move in on you. They 
may want you to return your profits, but if 
you've got a good lawyer, you can fight 
that. Look, they've closed you down, 
havent they? That's the important thing as 
far as theyre concerned.” 

“So that's why you're here? 10 cheer me 


the bastard 


not that bad. I 


ne says, looking at her 
wanted to talk to you about 


“Mario Corsini.” 
“Never heard of h 
“Sure you have,” Timothy say 
cousin works lor you. Anthony Ri 

“My, you've been a busy little boy, 
says, but her smile is glass 


7 she says. 


pays off the 
Mob to stay in business. 1 think Corsini is 
your collector. You gave him stock tips. 
What I don't know is whether you did that 
voluntarily or if he was leaning on you." 

“None of your business," she says. 

“It is my business," he insists. "I think 
Corsini is giving you a hard time and you 
^ him the tips to keep him off your 


She flops into her swivel chair, drains 
her drink, p into the empty cup. “АП 
right,” she says, "but you didn't come here 
just to tell me the story of my life and brag 
how smart you are. You want something. 
What is it?” 

“1 want you to turn and blow the whistle 
оп Corsini,” he says. 

“And get my ass shot off,” she says with a 


Cone says, shaking his head. 
Sorsini and his bully boys are shrewd 
nough to know that any rough stuff 
would raise a stink strong enough to con- 
vict them without a trial.” 

“You don't know them,” Sally says 
“They may be smart, but when someone 


crosses them or plays them for saps, they 
stop thinking. Then irs just their stupid 
pride, machismo and hot blood. Then all 
they know is revenge.” 

“Bullshit!” Cone says. “Maybe ten years 
ago, but the new breed are weasels. It just 
takes one person like you to stand up to 
them. 

“And if 1 don't?” 
fou want to go on the way you" 
going? Paying just to make a liv 
makes you think you'd still hz 
ness 
‘What's that supposed to mca 
I told you that the SEC probably wont 
bring criminal charges. But what if the 
SEC and the Federal D.A. decide you're 
not being cooperative? You know what 
they can do if they want to? Just give the 
story to the newspapers and TV It'll be the 
talk of Wall Street for at least eight hours. 
Long enough for a lot of people to decide 
to bring civil cases against you. Maybe 
even class-action suits. They'll say you ma- 
nipulated the stocks—and there's some- 
thing to that. I'm not saying they'll collect, 
but your legal fees to fight those suits could 
bleed you dr 


ve a busi- 


irst the carrot and 


у says. 
now the stick. 

“Tm just telling you what your situation 
Cone says. “Those civil suits could de- 
molish you. But if you become the Joan of 
Arc of the garbage business, I think the 


cops and the Manhattan D.A. will pass the 


word. No one wants to sue the cit 
ess whos perforr 
duty. Think it over." 


star 
g a noble civic 


. 
After he's gone, she sits behind her desk 
along time, swinging slowly back and forth 
in her swivel chair. What Cone said makes 
a lot of sense—to him. But, smart as he is, 
he doesn’t know everything. He has half 
the equation. Sally has the whole thing, all 
the pluses and minuses. And, at the mo- 
ment, aot a glimmer of how to solve it. 
She rises, wanders over to the window. 
‘Truck number two has just pulled up at 
the shed to unload. Anthony Ricci swings 
down from the cab. Sally stares at him a 
moment, then hurries out of the office. 
“Tony!” she yells, and when he looks up, 
she beckons. He walks toward her, smiling 
and wiping his face and neck with a red 
ndanna. 
(5 a hot mother," he says as he comes 
up to her. 
"Yeah," Sally says, "a killer. Listen, what 
about that dinner you were going 1 buy 
me?” 
He looks at her, startled. “You wanna 
20? Hey, that’s great! How about tomorrow 


joint is Brolio on Mulberry just 
and Street.” 

"TI be there,” Sally says. 

he gets down to Little Italy the follow- 
g night in plenty of time but has to cru 
around for a while, looking for a parking 
space. She finally finds an empty slot two 


-udustries. My F's thesis com 
through this research and experimen- 


rant from mint and basil, to roses, orchids 


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gal laws alnce 1938. Marijuana can only be grown Jegi 
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4 all the popular literature, І di 

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ted to re-create a tropical сі 

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MI'S RESULTS? 
эш will grow the plant six to ni 

inch (15cm) internodal lengt! 


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Serial is unusable for fruit pı 
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hat is why | made my system sor 
measures only 36 inches (92cm) t. 
>. Its potential is deceptively таѕкес| 
‘ional design and compact size. Pleas 
5 proven performance - not its size. Bic, 
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PLAYBOY 


182 


blocks away. She walks back to Brolio's. It 
looks like a scuzzy joint to her, but you 
never know. 

“Tony is already there, thank God, wait- 
ing for her at a tiny two-stool bar to the left 
of the entrance. 

“Hey!” he says, coming forward to take 
both hands in his. “You made it! Have any 
trouble finding the place?” 

“Not at all,” Sally says, looking around. 
And then, with feigned surprise: “Tony, I 
like it. Very pretty.” 

“Nothing fancy,” he says, shrugging. 
“But the food's great, and you can't beat 
the prices.” 

Sally sees a typical, third-rate New York 
trattoria. Small, only nine tables, and all ос- 
cupied except one. Crude murals of Vesu- 
vius, the Colosseum, Venetian canals 
painted on wrinkled walls. Plastic plants in 
plastic pots. Checkered tablecloths. Drip- 


ping candles stuck in raffia-bound chianti 
bottles. Paper napkins. And hanging in 
the air, a miasma of garlic strong enough 
to scare off 100 vampires. 

Tony snaps his fingers, and a waiter 
swathed in a filthy apron comes hustling to 
usher them to the empty table and remove 
the RESERVED card. 

“A little wine first?" he suggests. 

“Tony, you order,” Sally says. “You know 
whats good.” 

“A glass of soave to start,” Ricci says 
rapidly to the waiter. “Then the cold an- 
tipasto, lobster diavolo, linguine and may- 
be a salad of arugula and radicchio. With a 
bottle of that chianti classico I had the oth- 
er night. The Monte Vertine.” 

“Very good,” the waiter says, nodding 
approvingly. 

‘Tony gives her his sizzling smile, eyes 
half-lidded. “This is an occasion. Dinner 


“I said, do you mind if I smoke?” 


with the bo: 

The food is unexpectedly good. Maybe 
alittle harsh, a little too garlicky, but Sally 
exclaims with delight over every course, 
the wine, the crusty bread, the promptand 
efficient service. 

“You know how to live,” she tells Tony. 

“Everyone knows how to live,” he says. 
“All you need is money.” 

“That's so true,” Sally says. 

She has one glass of the red wine and lets 
him finish the bottle. He drinks and eats 
enthusiastically with, she is amused to 
note, a corner of the paper napkin tucked 
into his collar and the remainder spread 
over his chest, hiding a tie of hellish de- 
sign. 

He insists on tortoni and espresso, and 
then amaretti with ponies of Strega. Sally 
takes one sip of the liqueur and then push- 
es the glass toward Tony. 

“You finish,” she says. 

“Sure,” he says and downs it in one gulp. 

105 after ten o'clock when they rise to 
leave. He pays the bill with cash, Sally 
sees—no plastic for him—and leaves a 
lordly tip. They come out into a black, close 
night, the sky dotted with douds and a 
warm, soft mist dri 

They skip, laughing, through the mizzle 
until Sally tugs him to a halt alongside her 
silver Mazda. “Here we are,” she says. 

"Fantastico, he breathes and walks 
around the car admiring the lines. 

"C'mon, get in,” Sally says. “You can 
drive.” 

"They slide into the bucket seats Tony ca- 
resses the wheel with his palms, staring at 
the dash. “Ва air conditioner, cassette 
deck," he says. "Fven a compass. You got 
everything.” 

“All the comforts of home,” she says 
lightly. “I also own a Cadillac, but this baby 
is more fun to drive.” 

“I wish——" he starts, then suddenly 
stops. “Maybe, someday. . . .” 

“Maybe sooner than you think,” she 
says. “Do you mind if we sit here a few 
minutes? There's something I want to talk 
to you about.” 

"Sure," he says. “Тһе night's young." 

“That cousin of yours," she says. “Mario. 
What do you think of him?” 

Ricci shrugs. "He's OK, I guess. Some- 
times, he thinks hes my father. He knows 
what he wants.” 

“Yeah,” Sally says with a short laugh. 
“He wants me.” 

‘Tony turns to peer at her in the gloom. 
“What are you saying?” 

“Do 1 have to spell it out for you, Tony? 
That cousin of yours is trying to get me in- 
to bed. He's told me a hundred times he 
wants me.” 

“No!” 

“Tony,” she says, putting a hand on his 
thigh, “what am 1 going to do?” 

“You told him you don't want, uh, what 
he wants?” 

“I told him a hundred times, but he 
won't take no for an answer. He just keeps 
after me. Calls me almost every day. Sends 


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A powerful falcon 
minted in its center. 

With a brilliant full-cut diamond. 
The price, $975. 
Available exclusively from 
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The Diamond Falcon Ring Wear it. 


Please mail by July31, 1988. SIGNATURE 


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d replacement. 


PLAYBOY 


184 


me letters. Dirty letters—you know?" 

Топу nods. "He is acting like a fool. If a 
woman says no to me, | say goodbye. 
There is always another.” 

“Sometimes,” Sally says, deciding this is 
the moment, “sometimes, I wish that some- 
thing would happen to him.” 

"What? What are you saying?" 

"They sit in silence then, and Sally gives 
him time to absorb what she has said. If he 
belis her, she’s sunk. If he gets out of the 
5 away, shes sunk. If he tells 
conversation, she's sunk. 
nd her only life 
preserver ion and greed. 

“Pd pa п an aching voice, 
and she doesn't have to fake the despera- 
4 pay a nice buck to have it done. 
Cash. Га even help plan it. Make и look 
like an accident.” 

He doesn't answer, and her hand tight- 
ens on his thigh, she moves closer, 

“And maybe a good job for the guy who 
does it," she goes on. “An inside job. i need 
another executive. Someone I can trust. 
Someone who's done me a big favor by 
putting Corsini down.” 

She looks closely into his face and sees 
something new: stoniness. His eyes are as 
hard and shiny as wet coal. 

“No,” he says flatly, “I cannot do it. Any- 
one else, but not Mario, He is my cousin. 
You understand? He is family." 

Sally slumps. “Then I'm dead,” she says 
dully. 

"No, you are not dead," Anthony Ricci 
says. "There is a way out for you." 

“Yeah?” she says in a low voice. “Like 
what?” 

“Marry me.” 

She looks at him. “Are you nuts?” 


“Listen to me,” he says, taking her hand, 
holding it tightly “You marry me and 
Mario will never bother you again. 1 swear 
by my mothe 

“And what's in it for you?" 

“First, 1 marry a smart, beautiful older 
woman. It will help me stay in this country: 
Also, 1 geta good inside job, a desk, maybe 
a secretary.” 

“And a piece of the business?” 

He gives her his megawatt smile. “May- 
be a little piece.” 

“And what about the sex department?” 

“What about it? Am I so ugly 

“No,” she says. “Ugly you aint." 

“So? What do you say 

“Let me think about it,” Sally says and 
doesn't object when he reaches for her. 

. 


Timothy Cone has covered his table with 
several thicknesses of old newspaper, and 
they need the barbecued ribs, potato 
chips and pickles make for a messy meal. 

As they eat, he describes for the fifth 
and, he hopes, final time how Sally Steiner 
was trading stocks on inside information 
gleaned from the printers trash. He tells 
Samantha about the Mob's control of the 
private carting business and how Sally was 
giving tips to Mario Corsini 

“For what reason, I dont know exactly,” 
the Wall Street dick admits. “But I think he 
was leaning on her; that’s my guess.” 

“Then he recounts how he went up to see 
Steiner and did a little leaning of his own, 
trying to turn her so she'd go to the blues, 
putting the kibosh on extortion. 

By the time he has finished his narra- 
tive, they've demolished ribs, chips and 
pickles. Sam has provided chocolate éclairs 
for dessert, but they put those in the fridge 


“Careful what you say—he flies off the handle 
rather easily!” 


and settle down with their beers, feet 
parked up on the littered table. 

“My, oh, my,” Sam says. “You really have 
been a busybody, haven't you? But you 
know what burns my ass?” 

“A flame this high?” he asks, holding his 
hand a yard off the floor. 

“Shithead,” she says. “When you found 
the insider leak for Pistol & Burns, your 
job was finished. Kecrect? That's what they 
hired Haldering for, and you delivered. It 
should have ended right there, But no, you 
had to push it and get involved with the 
Mafia, shaking down garbage collectors 
and trying to get this Sally Steiner to blow 
the whistle. Why did you do that, Tim?” 
He looks at her. “I don't know,” he says. 
just seemed the right thing to do.” 
Bullshit!” Sam says. “You know what 
I think your problem is? I think you see 
yourself as a nemesis. Death to all evil- 
doers! Get me ап éclair, you Masked 
Avenger." 

“Up yours," he says. 

"They sip their beers, nibble the choco- 
late édairs and agree that it's a loathsome 
combination—but tasty. Their conversa- 
tion is desultory, with Cone doing most of 
the talking and Sam replying with mono- 
syllables or grunts. 


“That Sally Steiner. I feel sorry for her” 
He snorts. 
“Whats that supposed to be?” Sam says 


оп me. I went up to see that 
put-together lady to find out if she was 
ready to talk to the cops.” 

And?" 

“She told me to get lost. She's marrying 
“Tony Ricci, Corsini's cousin." 

“You're kidding.” 

He holds up a palm. “Scout's honor. She 
snookered me. I thought I had her in a 
bind, but she wiggled out of it. By marry- 
ing Ricci, she gets to keep the business. 
And she gets Corsini off her back.” 

An hour later, they're lolling naked on 
the floor mattress. Popped cans of beer 
have been placed within easy reach, and 
the cat, protesting mightily, has been 
locked in the bathroom. 

Samantha, sitting up, begins unpinning 
her magnificent hair. Timothy watches 
with pleasure the play of light and shadow 
on her raised arms, stalwart shoulders, the 
hard breasts. Suddenly, she stops and 
stares at him. 

“Listen,” she says, “you make it sound 
like Sally Steiner is marrying that Tony 
Ricci just so she can keep the business. Did 
it ever occur to you that she might love the 
guy?” 

Cone shrugs. “Could be. There are all 
kinds of love.” 

Sam says, reaching for him. 
"Heres mine.” 


"I was wondering if you could possibly return 
the cup of Johnnie Walker Black Label you borrowed” 


© 1988 JOHNNIE WALKER® BLACK LABEL* 12 YEAR OLD BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY, 86.8 PROOF BOTTLED IN SCOTLAND. IMPORTED BY SCHIEFFELIN а SOMERSET, NEW YORK, NY. 


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PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE CONWAY 


GIRZASBZESVZIENNDE 


Kick Out the Jams 


JUNE POINTER has plenty to celebrate, from 
touring with her sisters to an incredibly hip soft- 
drink commercial to her new solo album. June 
has hits and glitz. 


Bardeaux 
Has 

Bite 

If you aren't 
watching MTV or 
dancing in clubs 
to Magic Carpet 
Ride, then you 
won't be hip to 
BARDEAUX. 
Once you see 
Acacia (left) and 
Jaz in Grapevine, 
we know that 
oversight will Бе 
corrected 
immediately. 


WILLIAM HAWES: 


Where 
Lima’s 
Been 
Actress SARA BETH 
LIMA is our salute to 
summer. We know you 
thank us. For more 
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Lips and Summer 
School. Hit the beach. 


E 
E 


He's Got the Beat 
BRYAN FERRY may dress for 
‘Wall Street, but his moves are 
for after dag gete Noire 
climbed the Bet and now 
he’s home in Sussex, gearing 
up for a new album. 


4 1908 MICHAEL LYNNE 


These Boys Can't Help It 
The brothers Michael and Jay Aston, a.k.a. GENE LOVES JEZEBEL, 
took the name of their band from Gene Vincent and Jay's Jezebel 
looks. Now with The House of Dolls, their fourth album, they've 
broken through to an American audience in concert, on MTV and 
on the dance charts. Says Michael, We're. .. a feast for the 
senses.” Open your eyes and clean out your ears; Gene Loves 
Jezebel is ready to rock. 


0 
DANIEL ADAMS / SHOOTING STAR. 


Long, ) 1 
Та!! 
Sally 


You'll be hearing a 
lot more about ac- 
tress SALLY KIRK- 
LAND now that 
she's been nominat- 
ed for an Oscar for 
Anna. Next, you can 
catch her in Melanie 
Rose. Sally is also an 
ordained minister. 
You сап see she's 
kept the faith. 


© 1988 MARK LEIVDAL 


The Eyes 


and Thighs 
Have It 


Uncovering actress 
DANIELLE ROSS was 
a pleasure; passing 
our good fortune on 
10 you, a treat. Maybe 
you saw Danielle on 
the Mike Hammer TV 
movie or in Beverly 
Hills Cop il. No mat- 
ter. You've got her 
here, almost as big as 
life. Enjoy. 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


б 
POSTHUMOUS PEEFERS 


DIAMOND CHARLIE RANBOS DADDY 


“THE MAN WHO WOULD BE COCAINE KING"— 
CARLOS LEHDER, REPUTED HONCHO OF THE CO- 
LOMBIAN CARTEL, IS TAKING HIS DRUG EMPIRE 
PUBLIC, SIT IN ON HIS DRAMATIC TRIAL IN A FLORIDA 
COURTROOM VIA AN EXCLUSIVE REPORT FOR 
PLAYBOY BY HOWARD KOHN 


“ASPEN WHEN IT'S HOT"—IN SUMMER, THE CHIC SKI 
RESORT OFFERS A VERY DIFFERENT ROCKY-MOUN- 
TAIN HIGH: PART CRAZINESS, PART SHEER BEAUTY 


“THE DEAD MAN'S EYES"—HERE (AT LAST): THE 
GRIPPING TALE OF LOVE, ADULTERY AND MURDER BY 
SCIENCE-FICTION MASTER ROBERT SILVERBERG 


“RAMBO AND ME"—THE WRITER WHO CREATED НІМ 
RECALLS HIS UNPLANNED PARENTHOOD OF THE 
SCREEN'S ULTRAVIOLENT HERO—BY DAVID MORRELL 


“ТНЕ GIRL WHO TOOK LESSONS"—KAREN'S HOBBY 
WAS TAKING NIGHT CLASSES, BUT MIKE NEVER 
WORRIED ABOUT IT MUCH—UNTIL A BUSINESS TRIP 
TOOK HER OUT OF TOWN. A WRY STORY OF MODERN 
ROMANCE—BY HARRY TURTLEDOVE 


“LORDS OF THE FLIES"—FLY FISHING HAS FAS- 
CINATED MEN AS DISSIMILAR AS PRINCE CHARLES, 
ERNEST HEMINGWAY AND JIMMY CARTER. ITS SPE- 
CIAL MYSTIQUE IS UNRAVELED, STYLISHLY, BY GEOF- 
FREY NORMAN 


“THE SEX QUOTIENT ОҒ WOMEN'S-MAGAZINE 
READERS"—IF YOUR DATE HAS ELLE ON HER COFFEE 
TABLE, WHAT ARE YOUR PROSPECTS ON A SECOND 
DATE? HOW ABOUT FANS OF COSMO? VOGUE? М5? 
MADEMOISELLE? AN UTTERLY UNSCIENTIFIC SURVEY 


HARVEY FIERSTEIN, THE PLAYWRIGHT OF TORCH 
SONG TRILOGY AND SAFE SEX, SPEAKS OUT ON THE 
IMPACT OF AIDS ON THE GAY AND HETEROSEXUAL 
POPULATIONS IN A SURPRISINGLY CANDID PLAYBOY 
INTERVIEW 


PLUS: “20 QUESTIONS" WITH BLACK-POWER-SALUTE 
ATHLETE TURNED SOCIOLOGIST HARRY EDWARDS; 
CHARLIE SHEEN PUTS ON BASEBALL TOGS; FOUR 
GREAT NEW CARS FROM EUROPE; A SURPRISE PIC- 
TORIAL WORTH WAITING FOR; STILL MORE UPS AND 
DOWNS IN THE LIFE OF WICKED WILLIE; AND MORE 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


5 mg. "tar", 0.5 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


ULTRA TASTE PERFORMANCE 
IN AN ULTRA LIGHT. IEEE 


(© 1888 R.J. REYNOLOS TOBACCO CO. 


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