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GIRLS, FOOTBALL, FASHION,
PRIZE FICTION, BEER

INTERVIEW: BASEBALL'S ROGER CRAIG

THE FIRST REAGAN-IRAN ARMS DEAL

TV'S HOT HELLION,
MORTON DOWNEY, JR.

MAJOR NEW WORK
FROM STUDS TERKEL

PLAYBOY EXPOSES THE
NUMBER-ONE PLAYGIRL

کے

Майот

LIGHTS

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

10 mg "tar; 0.7 mg nicotine av.
per cigarette, FTC Report Feb'85

PLAYBILL

OUR HISTORY COMES TO съ these days in little bursts, sound bites,
each condensed to ten or 12 seconds on the evening news. Makes
it hard to put it all together. Almost eight years ago, there were
those who noted that the freeing of the hostages from our
embassy in Tehran on the very day of Ronald Reagan's Inaugura-
tion seemed a bit 100 pat; then there was the scandal about Jimmy
Carter's campaign briefing book's finding its way into the Reagan-
Bush league. Neither issue occupied the national attention span
for long. Now, however, Abbie Hoffman (whose earlier criticism of
the American body politic made him one of 1968s Chicago
Seven) and journalist Jonathan Silvers (who co-authored Steal This
Urine Test with Hoffman) look back at the 1980 Presidential race
through the lens of the Iran/Contra hearings. Did the Reagan-
Bush team make its first arms-for-hostages swap five years before
the Iran/Contra deal? Did George Bush's CIA contacts infiltrate the
Carter White House? Were the Tehran captives jailed for an
extra 76 days to sway the election? An Election Held Hostage
(illustrated by Nick Be) suggests some provocative answers.

Also concerned with what we forget is the indefatigable oral
historian Studs Terkel, who tries to get at the truth the old-fash-
ioned way—by talking with as many people as he can. The Great
Divide (to be published in book form by Pantheon this fall)
started out as a series of conversational portraits of the haves and
the have-nots. In the process, Terkel found that many Americans
have lost all sense of history, resulting in a “breach that has cut off
past from present." His piece is illustrated by Robert

From the sunnier worlds of sports and showbiz come the sub-
jects of this month's Playboy Interview and 20 Questions. Ken Kelley
sat down with San Francisco Giants manager Roger Craig for an
interview that ranges from the truth about his split-fingered

fastball to what is wrong with female umpires. We turned Al
Goldstein, publisher of Screw magazine and all-round gadfly, loose
оп Merten Dewney, Jr, right-wing TV-talk-show host, for a face-off
between the rudest mouths in America. Still another candid con-
versation came about when Associate Editor Bruce Kluger found
himself sitting next to Playgir!'s editor-in-chief, Nancie S. Martin,
as a fellow judge for a coed strippers’ contest at Manhattan's
Limelight. The result was an unusual pictorial, ‘Boy Meets ‘Girl,
in which Martin reveals herself to be smart and sexy

The boy in Hoogly Moogly, James Howard Kunstler: story of love,
lust and profit participation in Hollywood, has met one too many
girls. Faced with a problem—how to reshape an infernal trian-
gle—Buddy opts for a surprising solution.

Some moviemakers are noted for wide-screen cinematography,
others for tightly framed close-ups. Fashion Editor Hollis Wayne
applies both techniques to menswear in Up Close & Personal.

Still searching for the best, the brightest, the most beautiful?
Tiy college. Photo Director Gary Cole puts on his Sports Editor
helmet to give us Playboy's Pigskin Preview, his savvy picks for
this year’s gridiron greats. Nancy Mount supplied research and
Richard Izui took the team photo. The Hotel-Motel Bar & Grill, by
the University of Alabama's Valerie Vogrin, won our College Fic-
tion Contest. And Girls of the Southwest Conference is a portfolio
of Sun Belt sweethearts, captured by Contributing Photographer
David Chan, with a boost from Contributing Photographer David
Mecey and stylist Sherral Snow.

One look at those student bodies and you may think about get-
ting in shape. Check out The US. Olympic Training Table, by Paul
Engleman, and learn what our champions eat when they aren't eat-
ing Wheaties. Engleman, who writes mysteries about an ex-jock
turned detective, has his third novel, Murderin-Law, due out in
paperback next month. Those of you who couldn't care less about
calories may call for another round after perusing Bring on the
Beer! (with an illustration by Gary Kelley). 115 by British authority
Michael Jackson, author of The Simon & Schuster Pocket Guide to
Beer. For additional brew tips, read Playmate Shannon Long's ap-
praisal of Aussie suds while you admire Contributing Photogra-
pher Stephen Wayda's hot shots of this long, cool one. Cheers!

А
HOFFMAN. SILVERS

ТЕККЕ.

GOLDSTEIN

WAYNE

VOGRIN

АУРА

ENGLEMAN

G. KELLEY

“He thinks its fine for me to
make more than he does.
And he drinks Johnnie Walker”

PLAYBOY

vol. 35, no. 10—october 1988 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

PLAYBILL " E a 3 тч
DEAR PLAYBOY Ras: що : п
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS... . A EES e ЛЭ
MEN.. с à mrt .....ASA BABER 32
WOMEN........ T Е Е CYNTHIA HEIMEL 35
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 2 зен 1 Ps 37 Southwestern Gols
DEAR PLAYMATES. 8 eg a . 40
THE PLAYBOY FORUM . .... : : oos A шы» 45
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ROGER CRAIG—condid conversation . . . , E >s
AN ELECTION HELD HOSTAGE—article.. .ABBIE HOFFMAN ond JONATHAN SILVERS 72
"BOY MEETS 'GIRL—pictoricl ] 2 закара 76
THE HOTEL-MOTEL BAR & GRILL—fiction x В .. VALERIE VOGRIN 82 SE
UP CLOSE A PERSONAL—feshion. . O ...HOlLIS WAYNE 86
THE U.S. OLYMPIC TRAINING TABLE—orticlo Т PAUL ENGLEMAN 94
SAUCY AUSSIE—playboy's playmate cf the month 98
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor no
THE GREAT DIVIDE—orticle STUDS TERKEL 112
PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW—sports ore GARY COLE 115
HOOGLY MOOGLY—fiction ..... т JAMES HOWARD KUNSTLER 120
20 QUESTIONS: MORTON DOWNEY, JR. s „ 122
GIRLS OF THE SOUTHWEST CONFERENCE—pictorial. ........... . 124
BRING ON THE BEERI—drink . . .. ; 42... MICHAEL JACKSON 136

FAST FORWARD

COVER STORY

July Playmate Terri Lynn Doss hos returned to Playboy—this time as our col-
legiate cover girl. Contributing Photographer Stephen Woyda shot the photo,
which was produced by Associate Photo Editor Michael Ann Sullivan, Terris
hair was styled by John Victor, her make-up by Ра! Tomlinson; lee Ann
Perry was the stylist. Terri's baots come from Аксаз of Chicago; her gloves
are fram Naomi Misle. Our scholarly Rabbit cheers Terri ап. Rah, rah

enema. orrices:

ТОС con eoi Cors. math ALL DOMESTI COPES COLUMMA CARD BETWEEN PAGES Sr CALVIN кыс SCENT STW асти PAGES 14-79: VANTAGE CA BETWEEN PAGES IDA p

PLAYBOY

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79% of those testing Vivagen experienced a
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They reported “more hair,” “fuller hair,”
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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director

and associate publisher
JONATHAN BLACK managing reilor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor
EDITORIAL
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso.
Gate editor, FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER. editor;
MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS senior editor
ED WALKER associate editor; PLIP COOPER assist
ant editor; FORUM: TERESA GROSCI associate edi
dor; WEST COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor
STAFF:GRETCHEN EDGREN senior editor; JAMES К
PETERSEN senior staff writer; BHUCE KLUGER, BAR
BARA NELLIS. KATE NOLAN associate editors: KANDI
KLINE traffic coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS
WAYNE editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor;
COPY: ARLENEBOURAS editor ¿1 АСКИЕ ROGERS assist
ant editor; LEE BRAVER, CANOLYN BROWNE, HANDY
LYNCH. BARI NASH, MARY ZION. researchers; CON-
ТЕІНСТІМС EDITORS: ASA BABER. E. JEAN CAR
ROLL. KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE
окон. CYNTHIA нима. WILLIAM J. HELMER, DAN
JENKINS WALTER LOWE, Jl... KEITH MANO, REC POT
TERTON. HON REAGAN, DAVID RENSIN. RICHARD
RHODES, DAVID SHEFE DAWID STANDISH. BRUCE
WILLIANSON (movies), SUSAN MARGOLIS WINTER,
BILL ZEHME

ART

KERIG rore, managing direclor; CHET SUSKL LEN
WILLIS senior direclors: BRUCE HANSEN associate
director, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant director; DEBEIE
KONG, KEN OV RYN, FRIC SHROPSHIRE Junior directors
ANN SEIDL senior keine and paste-up artist; вит
RESWAY, DANIEL REED өз? assistants; КАНВАКА HOFF
MAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COMEN
managing editor; LINDA KENNEN, JAMES LARSON.
MICHAEL ASN SULLIVAN associate edilors; NITY
BEAUDET assistant editor: POMPEO POSAR senior
staff photographer; KERRY NORKIS staff photog-
Tüpher; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FECLEY ARSY
FREYTAG, ARD та. DAVID MECEY BYRON
NEWMAN. STEPHEN АУРА contributing photogro
phers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color
lab supervisor; JON GOSS business manager

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; мана MANDIS manager;
RITA JOHNSON assistan! manager; ELEANORE WAC
NER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI assistants
READER SERVICE

CYNTHIA LACEYSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; BARBARA GUTMAN associ
ate director

ADVERTISING
MICHAEL T CARR advertising director; ок AQUILA
midwest manager; JAMES 1. ARCHAMBAULT. JR.. пеш
york manager; KOBE TRAMONDO category тат
lager; US PEASLEY direct response

ADMINISTRATIVE
юнм a scorr president, publishing group
JE TIM DOLMAN assistant publisher
EILEEN KENT contracts administrator; MARCIA TER
RONES rights ES permissions manager

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
сөгетін HEFNER president

Just submit an entry of 10 or

more correcily answered
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Limit one $2 Bonus Prize per

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Test your skill on a wide
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remember, Millionaire Cash
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sports, movies and other fun subjects.

Answer questions by circling the letter in
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e? the ford letters to ы! the
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Every correctly answered game ticket is
worth one "point"

The goal is to submit an entry with as
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Jackson for an hour-long, in-depth analysis of not
only who won, but why, You'll see extensive
highlights from every game played that after-
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11:30am, where you'll get previews and
predictions of all the day’s games.
And starting October 30th* for eight
straight weeks, we'll also preview our NFL
Sunday Night game following each tele- f
cost. We top it all off with a special wrap-up
edition at midnight. |
ESPN's “NFL PrimeTime.” Tune iin and
find out who got going when the going
got tough.

GA A A

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

UP FROM DOWN UNDER
enjoyed your July Playboy Inter-
view with Paul Hogan.

Our ethnocentricity forces us to make
generaliza about behavior patterns
based on sex when, in fact, those behavior
patterns are culturally learned and

So, as the people of Australia
women or, in general, to be aggres-
sive, domineering and demeaning toward
men, I find Australian women to be
charming, agreeable and approachable.

They appear to appreci qualities in
men that Amer women, in general,
dislike. Those qualities are honesty, char-
acter and self-respect.

C. V Compton Shaw
Reno, Nevada

Paul Hogan is so down to carth that itsa
shame Americans dont Icarn something
frc not to take ourselves so serious-
ly. In cials and intcr-
views, Hogan personifies the honest man
who knows his ions and expecta-
tions of life. Your July interview brings out
his character beautifully. Well done!
Dreux DeMack
Tulsa, Oklahoma

As one of your many longtime gay read-
ers, Га like to thank Playboy and Mr.
Hefner for your principled support of ga
rights, which began far before it was s
fashionable.

In that context, I'd like to criticize the
homophobia of some of your interview
subjects. Australian Paul Hogan, for ex-
ample, says, “If you didnt know better,
you'd probably think we were homos.
But we ain't homos.” I don't want to be too
critical; perhaps down under—down un-
à rock, that is—homo is a term of en-
dearment, like pickaninny in the land of
Mecham.

In the July 20 Questions, Judgc Reinhold
offers us a gratuitous, repellent anecdot
He to drive a n which a “Гато
th him. How horrible

if his flirtatious passenger had been of
the “wrong” race rather than the wrong
sex—expecting us ай, naturally, to be re-
pelled by such an offes
You are 10 be commended for exposing
all sides of your interview subjects, includ-
ing the warts they choose to flash. But
there’ опе additional service your int
wers could perform: Let your subje
know that you have a lot of gay readers.
And we buy Playboy for the artides. And
we pay money to go to movies. Some
movies. Not those starring people suffer
ing from Eddie Murphy’ disease.
Gary S. Meade
Los Angeles, Califo

THERE GO THE JUDGE

Bill Zehme's interview with Judge Rein-
hold (20 Questions, July) is very humorous
and interesting, and 1 was enjoying it until
1 got to his very un.
Miami geriatrics a
“Why doesn't somebody bury them before
they start to smell?”

Is Reinhold not aware of the fact that
many actors and actresses, more famous
than he will ever be, are geriatrics and
wouldnt deign to let him shine their
shoes?

James L. Minetti
Fort Lauderdale, Florida

RUNNING DOWN JESSE

After reading What Makes Jesse Run?
(Playboy, July), | was curious to learn some-
thing about the author. Lo and behold, the
Playbill page informs us that Amiri Baraka
was formerly Leroi Jones. Well, now, that
explains everything. Jones has never writ-
ten anything but bullshit

Playbill also states that Jesse Jackson is
“hands down, the most charismatic orator
on the hustings today.
example of Jackson's r
oratory:
the brain
When I first heard that statement about
someone, 1 was too young to laugh; I
rolled over in my crib and crapped in my
diaper. if true, Bush's ailments are

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PLAYBOY

‘ely easy to treat: Ex-Lax for one and
Kaopectate for the other. Bu
medical science cure Jack
which, of course, is term
ness? Intensive cranial liposuction just
won't do it

The fact that à screaming, blowhard
preacher like Jesse Jackson can be consid-
ered for the highest office in the United
States by some seemingly intelligent peo-
ple is frightening beyond description.

how does

Are vou not aw tin
Luther King, J
showed up on an Eastern TV station and

id he was the last person to hold King in
his arms when, in fact, he wasnt? And you
run an article that makes him out to be thc
savior of the poor and oppressed and the
Paul Bunyan of the political world? Gad,
what a farce!

Dave Saalfeld
Vancouver, Washington

Amiri Baraka claims that Jesse Jackson's
unelectability is a “principal defect in US.
society.” Jackson is not unclectable because
he is black—it is because he is radical and
unqualified, unless one considers fondness
for alliteration a qualification

Jackson bemoans an alleged racist at-
tack by a newspaper. How does he consider
his own reference to Jews as Hymies—the
equivalent of referring to blacks
gers? He should quit pointing accusing
fingers at others and aim them at his own
mouth. If a white man called a jew a
Hymic or a black a nigger, he would
promptly be ushered from the Presidential
race. There should be no separate stand-
ard for Jackson

JELLY-BEAN JARS
Bravo to Peter Moorc's compilation of
the Reagan years, The Jelly-Bean Presidency
(Playboy, July). Just when we were wondcr-
ing how to sum up eight years of "bum
bling ineptitude,” Moore puts it all
together in a few pages. d always
dreamed of compiling a letter to that “man
behind the curtain" (Ronald Reagan), but
now I think ГИ just copy Moores
and send it to ol’ Ronnie.
Wale
Vail, Colorado

Peter Moore's “compilation” of Ronald
Reagan's accomplishments is certainly not
the last word.

For starters, the huge deficit is, in part, a
result of the military build-up. You know,
the one that brought the Soviets back to
the bargaining table and has gi us at
least one nuclear-arms treaty.

In October, when Ше stock market
crashed, it was just another sign that the
deficit was coming to call. You know, the
recession that has been due for five years.

In this case, everyone, from the straight-
thinking economists 10 the liberal gloom-
sayers, was unmistakably wrong. There
was no recession.

With unemployment ar its lowest level in
15 years, Moore figures that 5,000,000 рсо-
ple have been forced to work at pa
jobs in lieu of full-time employment
that 1,170,000 workers were so disco
aged by the job picture that they dropped.
out of the work force, Well, I have no time
for dropouts, and neither should Moorc.

Eric T. Houghton
Plainsboro, New Jersey

MORE OF CINDY, PLEASE

Thank you for your feature on Cindy
Crawford in the July issue (Shinsuits). Any-
thing on her is better than nothing, but
now that Herb Ritts has had his fun, please
give us a straight layout on Cindy without
all the artsy nonsense that detracts from
our enjoyment of her personally

Cindy says she wanted Ritts 10 photo-
graph her because “I saw what Herb Rius
did with Brigitte Nielsen in the December
sue. And I thought, Wow, if he can make
her look that good, I'd love to see what
he could do with me^ Well, let me say,
Brigitte Nielsen is not the beautiful woman
that Cindy Crawford is. Nielsen needed
the Ritts touch to look “that good"; Cindy
does not.

Please let us see her as she really is. The
picture on page 78 alone, rephotographed
with her hands down, would be worth the
price of the magazine.

sene Stevens
Austin, Te

AMATEUR VS. PRO?

1f, as Cynthia Heimel states in her July
column, there are two types of women
(Amateur Girls and Professional Girls), 1
would propose that there are also two
kinds of men: (A) Movers and Shakers and
(B) Nice Guys.

Movers and Shakers are driven by ambi-
tion. They want to be on top, and one of
the ways to beat friends and rivals is to
have a more beautiful wife or girlfriend.

These are the men who ooze around the
Pros.
Nice Guys are not so driven. They want

to be liked гае

than envied, to help
rather than to use—and Nice Guys have
the same problem as Amateur Girls. Wom-
en dont generally like them, except as
nage of the winner that
: ale sex.

friends. Из the

Bill Crewe
Quebec, Quebec

Heimel forgot one difference between

sional Girls and Amateur Girls. Pro-
rls want a sugar daddy. Ama-
teur Girls want Prince Charming on a
white charger.

I have seen too many of my women
friends drool and make slurp-slurp noises
at the mention or sight of the likes of Don
Johnson, Carl Weathers, Sly Stallone,

Jameson Parker, Patrick Swayze or Nick
Nolte, One friend, whenever Sean Con-
пегуз name is sp The
man is a god."

So, here I am, 5'8", bespectacled, rea
sonably attractive, with a Bruce Willis hair-
nc, love handles that won't go away in
spite of losing 40 pounds and a five-inch
penis (when erecı), shelling out close to
52000 to a dating service in order to find
an Amateur G

Lam sick of seeing my gender being por
trayed as Neanderthals. incompetent clods
who cannot perform the simplest of do-
mestic chores, hunky sexi whose
only abilities are open cans and
watching ESPN on cable 17

I scrub my own toilet, Cynthia. 1 do my
own laundry, make my own bed and mop
my own floors. I make my own damn white
uce, not to mention chicken-and-wild-
rice quiche with a flaky crust, cheesecake
to die for and wheat muffins you'd kill for.
If T wanted a li domestic, Га hire a
butler. If I wanted only sex from a woman.
Га go to a whorehouse

Maybe all the guys you know in New
York arc looking for a mythic beast who
fucks like Traci Lords, cooks like June
Cleaver and cleans house like Felix Ung
Me? I'm looking for someone to love, trust,
hold a conversation with and have sex with
at least once in a while.

I'm looking for an Amateur Girl; one
who still has her dreams but has given up
on the illusion of the Fantasy Man.

Women are not perfect sex objects. Men
are not perfect romance objects. We're just
people.

Be fair, Cynthia.

en, always says,

Jon R. McKenzie
Bellflower, Califo

WORLD-CLASS LASSES

Mon Dieu! World-class beauty Nathalie
Galan (World-Class Beauties, Playboy.
July) makes me wonder if the French
actually created the derrière! She is
fantuiejtastique.

Mexico's Barbara Ferrat has my friend
doing the Mexican hat dance on his hands.
And then there's Greece's Jenny Ve
and....

Byron J. Oler
Houston, Texas

I would like to thank you for your picto-
rial World-Class Beauties. 115 outstanding!

However, 1 disagree with the judging.
Australia’s Shannon Lee Long is the most
beautiful person shown. Her eyes are the
most seductive Гус ever seen. They would
melt the heart of any man she came in con-
tact with. | would give my right arm just to

meet her.
Joe L. Baldwin, Jr.
Norton AFB, California
Turn to this monthis centerfold, Joc. Were
sure you'll applaud Miss October.

ONE GREAT ROUND
OTHER.

MICHELOB

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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

X(YAWN)-RATED

Back in the good old prevideo, precable
days, sex researchers had it easy. They'd set
up shop on a college campus and show sex-
ually explicit films to a group of volunteers
for half a day. Then theyd talk with the
kids to find out which buttons the films
had pushed. "The purpose of these studies
has never been to get everyone to say,
"Mongolian cluster fucks are great,” says
Philadelphia-based researcher Dr. Tim
Perper, author of Sex Signals: The Biology
of Love. "The idea is to present students
with images they consider disturbing,
frightening, guilt-producing or shameful
and get them to clarify what they're feel-
ing.” But things arent so simple anymore.
During systematic observations Dr. Perper
conducted last fall at an East Coast college,
his subjects yawned when he showed them
supposedly shocking stuff. He began with
the romantic nudie Trip to Bimini, contin-
ued with a clinical piece demonstrating
every known heterosexual position “shot
under 2000-watt bulbs” and proceeded to
show more traditionally disturbing films
on masturbation and group sex.

The students were neither disturbed nor
titillated. “Oh-ho, denial!” Perper sur-
mised when he debriefed his blank-faced
students. Then he asked if they'd ever seen
anything similar, and they responded with
the exasperated politeness reserved for
geezers—Perpers 49. “Yeah, sure, of
course!” responded males and females
alike. All claimed to have seen plenty of
smut in their short lives, at least in still pic-
tures, if not in films. One male student re-
ported that he'd had several eyefuls while
working at a loading dock one summer,
when an older co-worker had rented eight-
millimeter dirty movies every day for
lunch. “The stuff you've got is tame," the
kid told Perper cockily. For future sex
studies to work, Perper says, the films
should take a different tack. "Sexual anxi-
eties are still there," he says, "but you've
got to come up with new ways to draw
them out. Hurnor is one way. Terror is an-
other. There's a film on date rape that's
very effective, because it's something real

in their lives" Terror? Dr. Perper—why
don't you show them their finals?

LUNAR ECLIPSE

Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon had
been on the Billboard charts for 725 con-
secutive weeks—since 1976—until this
past spring, when the industry bible pub-
lished its April 30 chart sans Floyd. But
fans rallied and the following week, Floyd
was back in the pink (sorry) at number 182

о,

The latest craze in Japan is sniffing 95-
percent-pure oxygen. The recreational
sniffers are inhaling the gas at home (more
than 130,000 hairspray-size cans are sold
each month) or at their friendly neighbor-
hood “oxygen bar.” One of the largest bars
is in Tokyo's Takashimaya department
store, where the oxygen comes in five
flavors: mint, orange, lemon, coffee and
matsutake (a verv fragrant mushroom). A
clerk hooks you up to an oxygen tank, puts
a drop of essence into your glass face mask
and tells you to sniff away, Three minutes

of deep breathing will set you back 100 yen
(approximately 80 cents). Nobody really
knows how the craze started—or why (the
only apparent lift is psychological). But
there are stranger customs in this world
We know of one country, for instance,
where the people eat raw fish

SHADOEMANIA

What do you do with secondhand celebs
such as Phyllis Diller, John Davidson, Joan
Rivers, Richard Simmons and Florence
Henderson? Put them out to pasture On
The Hollywood Squares. But where do you
book a 4l-year-old deejay and appliance
pitchman who altered his moniker from
Terry Ingstad to Shadoe Stevens on the ad-
vice of God? Same answer. And then watch
his fan mail grow.

“It comes over in large bags—my assist-
ants spend just days going through it.”
Shadoe marvels. "And did you hear about.
the time we taped the show at Radio City
Music Hall? When I left, they had to call in
the local police and extra bodyguards be-
cause of all the people wanting to tear
dothes and shred hair.” Why has Shadoe
become the boy wonder of the bad-suit set?
Lay the blame on his shaggy blond locks,
his basso voice and his bullish answers to
the quiz-show questions; to wit: “Can I
touch my gingiva with my tongue? Again
and again, and I'm not ashamed of it. I
learned it as a boy and I still practice it."

But he let it slip to us that he gets a pre-
view of the game questions and even gets
some coaching while he jots down his
"spontaneous" answers before the show.
Next up for Shadoe: Casey Kasem's old gig
counting down tunes on American Top 40
(“Radio lets it happen in the Cinerama
dome of your head,” he said). And a greet-
ing-card line, an s-f flick and a “Shadoevi-
sion” video project he plugs as “comedy on
the edge of reason . . . psychic intoxica-
tion.” We'll pass; Zsa Zsa to block, please.

SCRATCH ONE DOG

We know too much violence on television
can be bad for you, but in China, they have
programs so violent that just watching

PLAYBOY

369371. Van Holen— 308027 Scde— Stronger
OUBI2. [Warner Bros) Thon Pride. (Epic)

Pet Shop Boys—Actually Canadian Brass— Bach: Steve Wirwood— Tchaikovsky Waltzes— Whitesnake (Getter)
(EMMannaran) 368710 Ar Of The Fugue Chronicles (Island) 362525 Comissiona, Houston Sym. 355362
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George Howard (Varese Sarabande) 386708 | Collection, Vol. 1 Muale Kiri Te Капани: Sin. (CBSMasiers) 357857 The Night (Warner Bros)
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Joan Jet And Th Beethoven. (We Bros.) 358667 fi 308040. Cat st "Teaser And. Ta Si
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Irving Berlin—A Hundred (CRS мещегилка (Roling Stores Racords) (ізге Bros) | 231278 Rotting Stonaa—Sicky (Elektra) 344622
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(our co Branford Меган

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George Strat You AR кишен: с] 361673 Роун Рпомокв Menuhn, Forever (Warner ros en
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Street(Arsia) 363855 TremtD'Arby(Counoa) Sibellus:—Sympheny No. | Sound Machino—Let It I abr ru e MN
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364695 Wynton Marsalis
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Ziggy Marley & The
Melody Makers—
Conscious Party

(Wan) 369512
Michael Feinstein
Remember: Michael
Feinsiein Sings Irving Berlin
(Бенг) 509322

Beethoven—Senatas

Moonlight” and
"Appassionata" Andre
Watts (Ange) 366815

Robert Plant—Now and
Zen (Ев Paranza) 366716
Spyro Gyra— Stories
Without Words

MCA 360016
Glibert & Sullivan —
Highights from "The.

mikado посилѕоп, Engtsn
National Opera

(HCA Classics) 359968
Wynton Marsalis

Carnaval
(CBS Masters) 352948

Johnny матівінепгу
Mancini. The Hollywood
Musicals (Cclumba| 349985
Buddy Holly—From The
Orig Master Tapas

(ИСА завио
Nichael Jackson—Thriler
pc) 318089
Julio Iglesias —Non-Siop
(count) E

€ 1988 CBS Records Inc.

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weeks 13 times o year] youll receive the
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300710. Robert Plart—
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366872. Nadja Salemo-
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a E асове
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Elton John—Live In
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‘Suzanne vege—Soutuge
Standing (АЕМ) 356287

Mozart Synphony No 40
in О Mince. Kubelik,
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(Anga) алата наша کی چچ‎
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RAW

DATA

“In a general way,
we [the Central Intel-
ligence Agency] try
to some
of your [reporters]
questions so that I can
respond ‘No com-
ment with some de-
gree of knowledge" —
William Baker, a
spokesperson for the
CIA.

golf club located in
the city $983; for a
golf club located in
the country, $2014.

Average number of
members in a city
club, 1081; in a coun-
try club, 435.

Average annual
cost to maintain one
hole on a golf course,
$23,308; average cost
per hole іп 1967,

COMRADE. CAN I
IVE YOUR CAR? 1987 1988 around $4000.

Number of automo- | .
biles рег 1000 resi- Average food tab at
dion We p FACT OF THE MONTH a country club: $11.95
Germany 108; in Raw late: d in the manu- Рег order.
Poland, 99; in the So- facture of surgical gloves and
viet Union, 42; in Ro- condoms, is selling around NOW THAT
mania, ll; in the $9900 a metric ton. Last year, YOU'RE CURED

United States, 552.

WHAT ІР

Percentage of Americans who would
quit work if they won $1,000,000, 20;
who would keep working at the same
job, 48; who would keep working but
get a new job, 32.

Percentage of Americans making
$50,000 or more a year who would keep
working if they won $1,000,000, 80; of
those making less than $15,000, 76.

COST OF BEEF

To produce one pound of steak, a
steer consumes five pounds of gr
and 2500 gallons of water and erodes
about 35 pounds of topsoil.

.
Portion of land on the North Ameri-

can continent devoted to grazing: one
third

.
Percentage of cropland in the United
States planted with livestock feed: more
than 50.
.
Percentage of water consumed in the
United States thats consumed by live-
stock: more than 50.

ORE!
Average membership dues for a

the price per ton was $600.

Percentage of psy-
chiatrists who think it
is acceptable to have sex with a former
client: 50. Percentage of psychologists
who think it's OK, 40.7; pastoral coun-
selors, 38.9; marriage/family coun-
selors, 38.1; psychiatric nurses, 20.

IT'S A LIVING

Number of major-league-bascball
umpires: 68. Their annualsalary
range: $40,000—$ 100,000.

Number of National Basketball Asso-
ciation referees: 33. Their annual
salary range: $31,000-$100,000.

Number of National Football League
refs: 107. Their pay scale: $600—$ 1800.
per game, $5000 per play-off game and
87500 for the Super Bowl.

Number of National Hockey League
refs: 35. Their annual-salary range:
$24,000-$75,000.

BURN, BABY, BURN

ge of Americans who find

people with tans more attractive: 64.
.

Percentage of women who use more
sun-screen protection than they used
10, 46; of men, 29.

them can kill a dog. The Shanghai Evening
News reported that a dog in eastern Zhejiang
actually died of fright while watching tele-
vision. It seemed fine until a scene in which
a long-haired man leaped from behind a
bush with a shotgun. The dog howled with
fear, ran about the room, frothed at the
mouth and died of a heart attack. We won-
der: Are Chinese dogs really wimpy? Or is
Chinese TV really that violent?

Dobler: Life after lobotomy?

When Conrod Dobler played in the NEL.,
we loved to hate him. But since retiring from
football and co-starring in Miller Lite com-
mercials, Dobler has a new image. His latest
step in that direction is his autobiography
(written with Vie Curucci for Putnam),
“They Call Me Dirty” We talked with him
about that and other things.

Whats your book about, Conrad?

"It covers a lot of ground. Sex, violence,
my philosophy of life. Dan Dierdorf said it
should have been called Life After Loboto-
my, but I wanted to call it / Get a Kick Out
of You and have Frank Sinatra sing the
theme song in the movit

What's it like to be in the Miller Lite ads?

“Well, I'll tell you. See, my folks live in
‘Twentynine Palms, California, and during
my ten years in the pros, I'd visit them.
And nobody in Twentynine Palms gave a
shit. But in January 1987, the anniversary
Miller Lite ad called ‘Aliens’ was released;
and when I went home, everybody wanted
10 buy me beers, women wanted to offer
me sexual favors and restaurants wanted
to give me free dinners. If ГА known that,
I would have skipped pro football and
gone straight to the Miller Brewing Com-
pany—at least I'd still have good knees.

To what do you owe your new popularity?

“I've always been popular with the me-
dia. Guys who interviewed me expected to
meet a guy with tattoos on his forearms,
scars on his face, a couple of teeth missing
and an cycball in the middle of his forc-
head, but I'm a relatively good-looking
guy—hell, damn good-looking. And I'm
articulate. Plus, I've kept my weight down
through my L.B.EM. drinking program
"That's Lite Beer from Miller, by the way"

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head to the tip of your toes.

Your Head: Tike Charge: How to Become
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“Heal past hurts and resentments” in just
61 minutes; the guys who wrote One
Minute Manager loved this one; also,
Smart Cookies Don't Crumble (|9 Comm.):
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see Dr. DeBakey's tape.

Your Gut: In Control: Home Video Weight-
Loss Program (MMI Video): A 30-day, losc-
two-pounds-a-week program featuring
Cathy Rigby; or Diets Don't Work! (Media-
cast Television): Expert host explains that
it’s your attitude, not your menu; perfect
for those who'd like to tell Cathy Rigby
where she can stick it.

Your Butt: Best of the bunch: Bunnetics:
The Buttocks Workout and Joanie Greggains’
Firm Fannies (both Parade/Peter Pan) and
Buns of Steel (Fit Video); none available in
Beta, just VH-ass

Your Sex Life: The Dr Ruth Video
(Warner): Your own personal sessions with
the Clara Barton of the er-r-rection; topics
more explicit than her TV stuff, i.e., posi-
tions, foreplay, fantasies, orgasms and pre-
mature ejaculation.

Now, if you still feel healthy, you may want to
find a tape on how to cure retinal burnout.

UEST SAUT

For Jim Abrahams,
| codirector

of Air-

ple and the upcoming

The Naked Gun, once

not enough when it

comes to viewing his

favorite videos. He

and his wife watch

Arthur so often they can quote entire scenes

verbatim. Other favorite reruns: A Thousand

Clowns, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,

Radio Days, Jaws and Witness. If the kids are

awake, he says with a paternal chuckle, "we'll

watch Robin Hood for the STth time." And when

the merry men are tuckered out? “No titles

come to mind. | dont have discriminating taste
in stag films.”

VIDEOSYNCRASIES

Sex and the Animals: Or, Dr. Dolittle
Does the Wild Kingdom. Footage of our
four-legged friends in the act; does the
birds and the bees one better. Intended as

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (Martin and Candy—
underrated Бу reviewers); The Witches of Eastwick
(Nicholson's eyebrows go ballistic; good October fore);
also, the add My Life As a Dog (soft, sweet laughs); ond
Mel Brooks's Blazing Saddles (loud, long ones).

WANT TO LAUGH

The Manchurian Candidate (1963 drama that all but pre-
dicted J.FK's ossossinotion; enjoyed recent theatrical re-
vival); Radio Bikini (yes, a documentary: Oscar nominee
on US. nuke propaganda since 1946).

VH-1 Video Albums (smart music vids of pre-MIV-era
hits: California Dreamin’, American Pie, eic.); Freedom
Beat: U.K. Artists Against Apartheid (great music, greot
cause: Peter Gabriel, Sting, Elvis Costello, Sade et ol.).

WANT TO THINK

WANT TO DANCE

Older: Cousin, Cousine (the warm, quirky romance,
finally an video); younger: For Keeps (Molly Ringwald
grows up); any age: 92 Weeks (Rourke ond Bosinger
with restored kinky bits. Ouch).

a documentary, now a European hit. Go
figure (Video City Productions).

How to Beat a Speeding Ticket: Guide
to squeezing your way out of that ticket—
from roadside tips to courthouse behavior.
Explained by experts—cops, judges and
lawyers (Active Home Video).

VIDEO QUIZ I

Q.: What is Bigmeuth?

1. A Howard Cosell sports tape

2. A rare Tom Hanks comedy

3. A porn tape
A.: None of the above; it's a fishing video
about the largemouth bass (3M Video).

BRUCE ON VIDEO
‘our movie critic goes to the tape

Gloria Swanson says it in Sunset Boulevard
asa siren of the silent era: “I am big. Is the
pictures that got small" Theres new
meaning in that famous quote when you
pop one of the rrrreally big films into a
VCR, where it shrinks from wide-screen
spectacle to armchair dimensions. Because
s squarer shape often blanks out huge
chunks of the original image, tape-indus-
try innovators have introduced “letterbox-
ing,” which runs a black border above and
below the picture—a solution with obvious
drawbacks, so far used mainly on a few
Woody Allen flicks, at Woody's insistence.
How do major cpics play at home? Here
are the results of some recent test reruns:
The Bridge on the River Kwai: Indestructibly
grand, David Lean’s enthralling drama of
courage, cruchy and confrontation in a
Japanese prison camp dwells on faces
rather than physical spaces. While some of
the picture will be lopped off on T V, there's
pure gold in the performances of William
Holden, Sessue Hayakawa and, especially,
ness, who rightly took home one
Кша? в seven 1957 Oscars.
Doctor Zhivago: More Guinness and Lean
Despite Julie Christies memorable Lara,
this longish movie, with its reams of novel-
istic narration, looks like a somewhat fad-
ed Masterpiece Theatre series. (Boos and
hisses welcome from diehard Zhivago
fans)
Gone with the Wind: The granddaddy of
them all, and almost none of the picture is
lost in this classic, shot in the pre-Pana-
vision mode of 1939. Anyway, rampant
romance upstages the Civil War—even At-
lanta in flames can't hold а candle to that
sizzling Leigh-Gable chemistry
Lowrence of Arabia: Lean long-winded
again, with Peter Oloole's roaring debut
diminished on the home screen. Distribu-
tors promise a restored "origi! by next

year, roughly 40 minutes longer. I say see it
at a revival house—if you can find one.

The Man Who Would Be King: Michael
and Sean Connery seem to be shouldering
cach other off the screen at times. You also
lose acres of desert scenery, but splendid
teamwork salvages а high, handsome
Kipling saga directed by John Huston.

Reds: À nice surprise, Wa
overwrought ode to the Rus
tion comes through the VCR with its epic
side obscured by its love story Ignore
Diane Keaton’s laughable trek across those
snowy steppes; wait for the exalted Man
and a Woman

‚ay-station climax.
— BRUCE WILLIAMSON

COUCH-POTATO
VIDEO OF
HE MONTH

Youve seen lady wres-
tlers in mud and oil; in
Body Slam, a "sextet of
sultry scrapers" tan-
gles in spaghetti. Now,
thats Italian (4-Play).

COUCH-TOMATO
VIDEO OF |
THE MONTH Û

Your lady will send Fon-
da on a low-impact hike
once she sees Disrobics, Ж
featuring naked hunks
who strip and sweat for Ж
you (Pin-Up Prods). В?

VIDEO QUIZ Il

Q.: Which wacky video comedy deals with
a bumbling soldier, a dishy dame and a
sharp-toothed mechanical monster that
eats incriminating evidence?

А: Oliver North: Memo to History (МР1
Home Video).

ШІН

Silliest Workout-Tape Title: Aerobics with Soul:
Afro Workout (Crocus Ent.); Least-Likely-
Sounding Bodybuilding Video: Pump It with Dr.
David Engel (Nelson); Most Dubiously Named
Police Documentary: The Worlds Best Known
Dicks (Rhino); Best Its-A-Living Video: Duck
Identification (ЗМ Video); Favorite "Think l'H
Do That Tomorrow” Video: Installing Insulation
and Sheetrock (You Can Do It Videos).

IN 1955, a young Jack Bateman learned about
how to make Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey
at Lant Wood' knee.

| Then, he applied what he learned
from Mr. Wood for the next 33
years at our old time distillery.
Today, as an elder himself in the
Hollow, Mr. Bateman
does the talking and
teaching. Younger men
(like Bob Hobbs here) listen and learn.
And old time traditions are allowed
to continue-deep in the "Tennessee
hills—where change occurs but
continuity prevails.

SMOOTH SIPPIN'
TENNESSEE WHISKEY

Tennessee Whiskey ө 40-43% alcohol by volume (80-86 proof) Distilled and Bottled by
Jack Daniel Distillery, Lem Motlow, Proprietor, Route 1. Lynchburg (Pop 361), Tennessee 37352

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VIC GARBARINI

EX-POLICE GUITARIST Andy Summers’ Myste-
rious Barricades (Private Music) should
come as a pleasant shock to those who di:
miss all New Age instrumental music
self-indulgent cc doodling. Summers’
guitar-and-keyboard opus recalls a less ab-
stract but more spiritually vibrant versie
of Brian Enos otherworldly soundscapes.
Gentle arpeggios create a kind of celestial
geometry through which flow smears,
blurs and other guitar graffiti similar to
those of his work on the Police's Tea in the
Sahara. The result is as artful and graceful
as a Zen painting. Elsewhere, Summers
creates an almost holographic space popu-
lated with achingly beautiful chords that
hang suspended in a numinous dream-
scape that seems more real than life. This is
music perfectly balanced between active and
passive listening—the sort of thing you
put on at night while working or resting. A
genuinely healing musical experienc

If R.E.M. had been raised by demented
Hungarian gypsies and force-fed certain
funny mushrooms, it might sound some-
thing like Santa Cruzs Camper Van
Beethoven. But the Campers are no wacky
novelty band. On Our Beloved Revolutionary
Sweetheart (Virgin), the songs Life Is
Grand and Tania (an ode of sorts to y
Hearst) display a lyrical genius uk
minds me of Dylan in their startling ability
to stretch and reshape sensibilities with
revelatory humor, heart and insight.

DAVE MARSH

In the beginning, Bob Dylan sang folk
songs. Then he started using folk mel-
dies to inspire his own numbers. Then he
got a rock band and, for a while, he was
king of the hill. And then he made Self-
Portrait, on which he mostly sang songs by

1 tors Paul Simon and Cordon

jan was a great folk singer, though, so
it's encouraging that he sings a folk tune on
Down in the Groove (Columbia). Unfortu-
nately, it's Shenandoah, the phoniest song
in the whole folkic repertoire, Dylan re-
deems himself, however, with a couple of
shrewd selections of old rhythm-and-blues
songs and a rendition ol the Stanley Broth-
ers scary bluegrass masterpiece Rank
Strangers lo Me. Even though he keeps too
much emotional distance, so that even
Rank Strangers doesn't have quite the emo-
tional weight it needs, the music is good
and strong.

Dylan also has some new songs of his own.
The best of them, When Did You Leave
Heaven and Death Is Not the End, aren't
much more than passably folkish, but at
least they sound as if the lyrics got a second

Policeman Summers new beat.

The goods from Andy
Summers and Bob Dylan,
plus cool new Sade.

draft, the performances maybe even a third.
take. Thats progress for the most comp
sively casual of all great recording artists.
Down in the Groove was made with a su-
perstar cast that includes everybody from
the Clash's Paul Simonon and the Sex
Pistols’ guitarist Steve Jones to Full Force
(not to mention the Grateful Dead, which
Га rather not). But it carries no produc-
i y ns that D:
an did the job himself, a good sign, si
means that hes making his own mistakes,
rather than trying to comprehend other
peoples standards of commercial music
making. At least Down in the Groove
sounds like music he likes, and that could
be the first step to mak that ev-
erybody else has to care about again.

CHARLES M. YOUNG

Iggy Pop has tried to expand his audi-
ence beyond diehard fans of Stooges-cum-
Dionysus frenzy for most of his career. He
has largely failed because frenzy is what he
does best, and he did it best 20 years ago.
With his latest album, Instinct (ARM), һе
seems to have decided, "Well, if they want
the Stooges, ГИ give them the Stooges.” To
that end, he recruited Steve Jones and Bill
Laswell, one of the best hard-rock produc-
ers ever, The result is a mixed bag. These
days, Iggy doesnt howl and snarl so much
as croon, and with the vocals mixed high,
the listener doesnt get that old catharsis.
One of the most distinctive musicians to

come out of punk, Jones plays guitar that's
surprisingly thin on many cuts and, well,
not loud, Nonetheless, the song Square
Head does reach Stooge-level fury with the
Stooge-level sentiment of not wanting to
be a square head, and Tough Baby is so
catchy that Foreigner will wish it had
thought of it first. АЙ in all, it isn't what I
was hoping for, but it doesn't suck, either.

Sex Pistols veteran drummer Paul Cook
returns to the scene with Chiefs of Relief
(Sire/Warner Bros. Cook always knew
how to lay some crunch into a back beat,
and here he is crunching in an excellent
showcase: The Chiefs play a variant of
metal-rap-pop with the drums loud and
great guitar hooks supplied by Matthew
Ashman, formerly of Bow Wow Wow. If
Freedom to Rock is not a hit single, then
there is no freedom to rock.

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Arto Lindsay is an American mission-
ary's son from Brazil who hasn't changed

GUESLSHOT
BEFORE PRINCE or Terence Trent D'Arby,
there was rockand-roll punk-

funkmeister Rick James. Recently, the
renaissance rocker completed “Won-
derful” a new platter of down-in-
the-dirt dance music. “The title is
self-explanatory," Rick told us. It made
sense to have James inspect. another
originator—punk rocks founding
father, Iggy Pop—and his new LP,
“Instinct”

"Jimmy [lggys given name] is,
down by law, one of the inventors of
American punk and unadulterated
power-chord rock—but hes not rec-
ognized as the star he should be. On
this album, you can feel his hunger,
his taste for wanting to be back. It's
reminiscent of his very early stuff,
but better—it's all energy here. Not
one track lets listeners off the hook.
And, yes, I think he could actually
have some hit singles— Tough Baby,
Tom Tom and Lowdown might all do
the trick. For me, there's not one
track I don't love. Look, we're talk-
ing about one of the original bad
boys—Billy Idol is great, but Iggy
Pop was here first."

FAST TRACKS

IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SPEAK UP
DEPARTMENT: Tipper Gore turned down an
invitation from director Penelope
Spheeris to appear in her current rock
documentary The Decline of Western
Civilization Part II: The Metal Years. Is
it possible that she can dish it out but
she can't take heavy-metal heat?

REELING AND ROCKING: Gary and Martin
Kemp of Spandou Ballet have been
signed to play twin brothers in a film
about Ron and Reggie Crey, London
gangsters in the Fifties. The real-life
Cray brothers are pleased with the cast-
ing. . . . Former Men at Work leader Colin
Jomes Hay is currently in an Australian
TV series and is interested in pursuing
a movie career. . . . The documentary
Imagine: John Lennon will be released
this month, accompanied by a book
and a double sound-track album, which
will include one new song, Real
Love. . . . The producers of California
Dreamin’, the Mamas and Popas movi
are planning to use Sixties rock stars in
cameo appearances. Chynna Phillips will
play her Mama, Michelle. . . . Talking
Head Jerry Harrison will score a feature
film, A Summer Turns. . . . Hal Ashby
may direct the film version of Danny
Sugarman's Wonderland Avenue: Tales of
Glamour and Excess. Sugarman, Jim
Morrison's biographer, came of age dur-
ing the late Sixties in L.A. and Ashby
calls his book “the sex and drugs and
rock-and-roll story Hollywood has
been wai

NEWSBREAKS: Robbie Robertson will film
a series of performances in New York
for Cinemax. Hell play with U2, Peter
Gabriel and Keith Richards, among oth-
ers, and the music will be interwoven
into a concept piece about a kid grow-
ing up on rock. .. . Not only will tittle
Richard star in a TV series about the
host and m.c. of a failing night club but
he'll make a movie of the week with—
are you ready?— Venne White, called

The Goddess of Lowe. Richard will play

an outrageous hairdresser. . . . Miami
Sound Machine will join the fall Amnesty
International tour. . . . Former Go-Go

Charlotte Caffey will have her own solo
album out in January and she is work-
ing with an all-female band. . . . Huey
Lewis and the News, who have a new al-
bum and a U.S. and European tour un-
der their belts, have recorded a song
with the Four Tops, Are You with Me, for
the new Tops album. . . . Look for a
Peyehadalic Furs greatest-hits album.

If Grammy officials can work out the
royalty details, they plan to release a
video of the highlights of 30 years of
Grammy awards. Ex-Animel Eric Bur-
don will tour any day now ..... We hear
that HBO will rebroadcast Atlantic
Records' 40th birthday party, perhaps
in five consecutive segments. Led Zep's
reunion is a bonus, but we could watch
Etta James five nights running. . . . It
was only a matter of time before the lit-
Че red rooster and the funky chicken
had their say: The first animal-rights
musical festival, held last June in Wash-
ington, D.C., brought out the B-52%,
Howard Jones, Exene, Lene Lovich, Natalie
Merchant and Nina Hagen to rock around
the vegetarian cookout. . . . Diana Ross
may return to Motown to rccord.

Bez Scaggs is opcning a San Francisco
blues club. . . . The Pet Shop Boys made a
movie instead of touring because of the
cost involved. The movie is already a
hit. When asked if more films are inthe
future, Neil Tennant said, “At the mo-
ment, I would say no. I don't think we're
great actors or anything. . . . Sometimes
its just an embarrassment when rock
stars become actors." We got worried
when rock shows got so big that the
promoters had to put up movie screens
so the audience could see the per
former. Now the performer doesn't
even have to show up. —BARBARA NELLIS

his geeky glasses since 1978, when he at-
tracted attention by wringing the neck of
an untuned guitar in the postpunk noise
trio DNA. Not what's ordinarily thought оГ
as a sexy guy, yet on the Ambitious Lovers’
Greed (Virgin), his second album with the
permanent floating samba-funk-noise unit
he runs with synth chameleon Peter Scher-
er, he manages to fuse Joao Gilberto-style
insouciance with the direct attack of mod-
ern dance music. “You're no exception’ Tò
the law of symmetry,” he reminds a modest
beauty in Admit It, the same voice that
gasped and gurgled incomprehensible
metaphor fragments a decade ago sounds
sweet and slyly seductive. Scherer’s
thythms are both light and tough, and
sidemen such as Nana Vasconcelos, Vernon
Reid and Bill Frisell could make a fella be-
lieve in world beat. Hot, cool, irresistible.

David Thomas is a schoolteacher's son
from Cleveland who's almost as fat as he
was in 1978, when his postpunk art-rock
quintet Pere Ubu released the classic Dub
Housing. After becoming a Jehovah's Wi
ness, Thomas gradually transformed
Ubu's industrial noise into fairy-tale whim-
sy and other members left to pursue other
interests, but a 1987 reunion tour proved
harder-edged than grizzled postpunks
had any right to expect, and The Tenement
Year (Enigma) is the best album to bear
the Ubu name in a decade. In every
phase, Ubu was a funny band, and here
synth player Allen Ravenstine goes batshit
with sound effects as Thomas rechannels
his whimsy into the kind of jazzy setting
often favored by grizzled artrockers. But
there's always the Ubu difference—these
guys rock out. How many other reunion
bands can make that claim?

NELSON GEORGE

Sade's Stronger than Pride (Epic) provides
a textbook example of how a band can
maintain its musical direction while con-
tinuing to evolve. On its third album, the
British band has cut back on the brassy
horns of Promise, allowing its mastery of
Latin and R&B grooves to shine. Sade's
rhythm section of guitarist Stuart Mat-
thewman, bassist Paul Denman, percus-
ionist Marti Ditcham and keyboardist
Andrew Hale is as adept at playing mid-
tempo funk as any ensemble on this side of
the Atlantic. Their interplay on the instru-
mental Siempre Hay Esperanza suggests
that these gents are now a United
dom equivalent of Maze featuring Frankie
Beverly. Even without Sade Ади willowy
vocals and lyrics, they'd be outstanding.

But with Sade as its audio-visual center-
piece, this band has made some of the most
soulfully sophisticated music of the
decade. Retro nuevo is the use of black-
roots style in a contemporary context.
Sade's Stronger than Pride, with its deft al-
lusions to various Afro-American stvles (as
well as to European and Third World mu-
sic), is what retro nuevo's about.

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Fresh or Musk scent. Anti-Perspirant or Deodorant.

MOVIES

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

AGAINST right-wing extremism colors
every frame of Betrayed (MGM/UA), di-
rected by Costa-Gavras, who has whetted
his appetite for political controversy in
such timely hits as Z and Missing. Here, he
has another hot topic—plus potent sexual
chemistry between Debra Winger and
‘Tom Berenger. She's an undercover FBI
agent on assignment in Middle Americas
farm belt, investigating the murder of an
ultraliberal talk-show host. Berengers a
handsome widowed rancher with two kids,
Maria Valdez and Brian Bosak, who seems
like Mr. Right in the best sense until after
she has gone to bed with him. Only then
does he reveal his virulent hate for "Jews,
niggers and faggots.” That's sufficient cul-
ture shock to galvanize Winger, an actress
whose casual air conceals deep emotional
reserves; and Berenger maintains his lead-
ing-man charisma even in a role that
makes the killer noncom he played in Pla-
toon seem almost benign. Despite all a keen
company of actors can do, however, Joe
Eszterhas’ screenplay ultimately under-
mines credibility with more liberal zeal
than logic. Would a man, fairly early
their relationship, invite a woman to join
him and some cronies on a mysterious
“hunt,” then ask her to finish off their
prey—a wounded black man—by pump-
ing a bullet into his head? Subsequently,
would a fine girl like Debra, goaded by a
Bureau colleague (John Heard) she used
to date, move right into the trigger-happy
rancher's home? Maybe, but Costa-Gavras
doesn't quite convince me. While his un-
nerving film has the folksy excitement of a
Fourth of July picnic that winds up with
burning crosses instead of fireworks, Br-
trayed finally offers pat answers to many of
the burning questions raised. W%
.

Director Paul Schraders cool, intense,
surreal treatment of a highly volatile sub-
ject makes Patty Hearst (Atlantic) one of the
most provocative movies of 1988. Adapted
by Nicholas Kazan from Patricia Campbell
Hearst's memoir of an ordeal that began
with her 1974 kidnaping by members of
the so-called Symbionese Liberation Army,
this harrowing drama is played like a
dream summoned up under hypnosis
Cast against type as Patty, British-born Na-
tasha Richardson (daughter of Vanessa
Redgrave and director Tony Richardson)
shows the genius in her genes by steadfast-
ly underplaying her role as an heiress no
way prepared to be abducted, beaten,
blindfolded and finally reduced to a state
of unconditional surrender. “Sex is a revo-
lutionary act so you can fuck any man
here,” sneers one of her female captors. By
the time she's booked and charged with
armed robbery, more than a year later, Pat-
ty has learned to survive and wryly states

Betrayed's Berenger, Winger, Valdez.

Politics, politics,
politics—and a hilarious
cross-country chase.

her occupation as “urban guerrilla.
William Forsythe, Ving Rhames, Frances
sher and Jodi Long fill the S.L.A. roster
with varying degrees of antisocial attitude.
But Schrader keeps his camer:
thetic eye peeled on Richardson, firs
duce claustrophobia, then to develoj
masterful case for the defense. УУУ
.

In Midnight Run (Universal), the least
likely comedy team of the year turns out to
be one of the funniest. Would you believe
Robert De Niro and Charles Grodin? Well,
buckle up for a mad, mad cross-country
chase film that is also a buddy movie brim
full of thrills, spills and honestly affecting
pathos. Producer-director Martin. Brest,
who kept the pedal to the metal for Beverly
Hills Cop, gets top mileage from George
Gallo's taut, sophisticated screenplay about
a former Chicago cop (De Niro), now a
professional bounty hunter, who's hired to
take a fugitive accountant (Grodin) from
New York to a bail bondsmans office in
L.A., where hes wanted on embezzlement
cha "hey set out handculled and try-
ing hard to hate each other, their westward
progress impeded by a wonderfully raffish
collection of thugs: FBI agents led by
Yaphet Kotto; a Chicago Mobster (Dennis
Farina of TV's Crime Story) and his inept
henchmen; and a ruthless rival bounty
hunter named М; (John Ashton). All
want the accor scalp for one reason
or another, which gives forward drive to a
pell-mell odyssey by plane, train, bus and
sundry stolen recreational yehicles. Grodin

is the perfect straight man for De Niro,
whose remarkable range as an actor allows
him to switch instantly from knockabout
farce to moments of painful insight or an
emotionally wrenching encounter with his
ex-wife and the daughter he scarcely
knows. The last great screen actor who
could work such magic without skipping a
beat was Spencer Tracy. Do you need a bet-
ter excuse to see Midnight Run? YYYY
.

An imported ham, played by Richard
Dreyfuss, keeps a fictional Latin-American
dictatorship from going into eclipse in
Moon over Parador (Universal), writer-
director Paul Mazursky's anything-goes
spoof of sexual politics and show business
Dreyfuss is Jack Noah, a New York actor
makinga movie on location in Parador and
doing such a perfect imitation of the resi-
dent fascist strong man that he's offered
the role of a lifetime when the dictator
drops dead. Donning wig and make-up, he
inhe al power as well as the
rulers sultry ress, a ripe tamale played
ih mock-serious wit and sensuality by
Sonia Braga. Raul [ulia adds to the revels
as Parador’ oily behind-the-scenes manip-
ulator. By the time the CIA, guerrilla
fighters and other insurgents get into the
act, Mazursky and his collaborators are
reaching pretty far for viable inside jokes.
It helps to have a trouper like Dreyfuss.
who, when bidding fond farewell to Braga
at the airport, exclaims: "What a mo-
ment . . . right ош of Casablanca!” You
wouldn't want to live there, but Parador is a
fun place to visit. УУУ

Australia's Colin Friels and Jack Thomp-
son are adversaries in Ground Zero (Avenue
Entertainment), a modest but intelligent
political thriller about nasty nuclear cover-
ups down under. One shattering statistic
exposed by the movie is that native abo-
rigines of the outback region, as recently
as the Fifties, were excluded from the cen-
sus and counted as wildlife. Dur the
same period, British nuclear tests allegedly
contaminated. the ve population and
left thousands of acres of wilderness unin-
habitable. Ground Zero, a fiction based оп
these grim facts, casts Friels as a TV cam-
eraman whose career is disrupted when a
piece of documentary film made by his de-
ceased father suddenly turns up to impli-
cate friend and foe alike with evidence of
what really happened at the Maralinga
testing ground. Thompson plays an Aussie
security man trained to bury official mis-
takes—and to silence anyone who insists
on unearthing them. All of which might
play like a stock, though stylish, melodra-
ma but for the ring of truth that gives it a
heart-stopping tingle. YYV2

Seldom a man to duck social issues, di-

rector Sidney Lumet studies the plight of

Ing Company. Naw Vere, New York 12 Yest-Cid Unbind

ELL, THE GLENLIVET Scotch whisky does cost around

$20.00. Which some say isa small price to pay for:

Scotch which has been made in the same unique way

since 1747. A 12-year-old single malt Scotch with a
smoothness and unique character that is unsurpassed to
this day. All of which could explain why people are so
strangely possessive about The Glenlivet. Which isa pity.
You might just have to buy a bottle of your own.

THE GLENLIVET-JusT SLIGHTLY OUT OF REACH.

Genesco Park, Nashville TN 37202-9990

some Sixties rebels who are still fugitives
during the Eighties in Running on Empty
(Warner), and no Lumet movie since Net-
work has cut so close to the bone. Naomi

Perkins: after losing a few, a winner.

OFF CAMERA

Until she made it big in Big, Eliza-
beth Perkins was becoming almost as
famous for the roles she didn't do as
for those she did. She nixed the part
in David Mamets Speed-the-Plow
that brought Madonna to Broadway.
“A very painful decision,” she allows
in a phone interview from Califor-
nia. She tested for the Broadcast
News role that won Holly Hunter an
Oscar nomination. “Holly was grez
You win some, lose some. Anyw
that was my introduction to Jim
Brooks, who produced Big" Even
after earning raves as the sleep-
around career girl who has an affair
with Tom Hanks before she learns
he's only 13, Perkins was startled to
read she'd got that part only because
Debra Winger was pregnant and
recommended her as the best substi-

was shocked that Debra

¡ger even knew who 1 was. 1 idol-
ize her” Already a Chicago-trained
trouper who scored with her first
movie role in About Last Night .
Perkins inspired co-star Rob Lowe
to note: “She reminds me of what
atharine Hepburn must have been
like at 27—strong, stubborn and
7 She's soon to be seen ("as a
schoolteacher, damn it 7) in Sweet-
hearts Dance, with Don Johnson, Jeff
Daniels and Susan Sarandon, but
her dream would be to play photog-
rapher Diane Arbus in a movie shes
sure Hollywood will never make.
She was about to say why when her
doorbell rang. “Hey,” she reported
moments later, “they just delivered a
trampoline 10 my house, those guys
from Fox! I cant believe there's a
wampoline in my living room!"
Surcly, to commemorate her bounc-

ing first date with Hanks in Big.
Does this mean she's being bribed to
do a sequel? “Oh, God, I hope not,"
groaned Perkins. “What would they
call it —Bigger

tute.

Foner's screenplay is focused on the sensi
bility of a high school boy named Danny
(River Phoenix) who is too young to re-
member antiwar protests or Vietnam. Yet
his mom and dad (Christine Lahti and
Judd Hirsch) have been on the FBI's want-
ed list for 15 years, sought for their part in
the bombing of a napalm lab. Each ti
the Feds close in, the Pope family
packs and moves to another town,
ing new identities, new schools,

new
friends. Thus cursed by their parents"
past, Danny and his younger brother are
condemned to grow up without a future.
Such festering personal conflicts make
Running on Empty both moving and rele-
vant. The drama peaks in a wrenchingly

powerful scene between Lahti and Steven
Hill, as an errant daughter and her baf-
fled, conservative father trying to have a
ed lunch after years of misunder-
standing, separation and pain. These are the
moments that move hearts and minds when
the prize-giving season rolls around. УУУУ

The flamboyant female and the some-
what wimpy guy played by Michelle Pfeif-
fer and Matthew Modine in Married to the
Mob (Orion) are strikingly similar to the
characters portrayed by Melanie Griffith
and Jeff Daniels in last years Something
Wild, also directed with great verve by
Jonathan Demme. Another example of
Demme’ gift for getting good actresses to
beat their personal bests, Mob provides
Pfeiffer with a chance to stretch her un-
mistakable talent for high comedy as a
ing Mafia wife destined to become a
widow. Just before her hit-man husband
(Alec Baldwin) is iced, she complains,
"Everything we own fell off a truck." After
he’s gone—rubbed out in a bot tub with a
vengeful godfathers favorite doxy (Nancy
T |.—the widow DeMarco finds herself
being consoled by Tony “The Tiger” Russo
(Dean Stockwell, in perfect fettle) and an
undercover FBI agent (Мойте, appealing-
ly gangly and perhaps a bit boyish for the
part). Both are aces on opposite sides of
the law, though the heroine has occasion to
wonder which side is worse. From a daffy
screenplay by Barry Strugatz and Mark R.
Burns, Demme comes out spoofing from
the hip in a Saturday-night massacre of
all former Godfather-style epics. ¥¥¥Ya

A malevolent simian named Ella is the
real star of Monkey Shines: An Experiment in
Fear (Orion). Writer-director George А.
Romero, in a departure from the excesses
of his Living Dead shockers, which ai
known to cultists as "the zombie trilogy
wrings some equally ecrie excesses from
Michael Stewart's novel about a monkey
trained to serve an otherwise helpless
quadriplegic (Jason Beghe) who has lost
the use of his limbs after a jogging acc
dent. Often silly but nevertheless unset-
entist stuff, with John
cow as the kook who has beer ject-
ing those unpredictable human brain cells
into Ella. Just keep deadly weapons out of
her reach. ¥¥¥%

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

w) Debra V

Betrayed (See re ger ws.
rabid right-wingers. Wh
Big (Reviewed 8/88) Growing up fast
and funny with Tom ks. ww
Boyfriends and Girlfriends (8/88) Eric
Rohmer's romantic fable about a four-
some of young French lovers. yw
Bull Durham (9/88) Mixing sex
baseball, Susan Sarandon and Kevin
Costner prove that the diamond is a
girls best friend. Boosted l0 УЗУ
Coming to America (Listed only) Eddie
Murphy, oddly endearing as an African
prince looking for love. E
"Crocodile" Dundee И (Listed 9/88) More
of the same fun from down under. YY
A Fish Called Wanda (9/88) Caper with
Curtis, Cleese, Kline and P: Ма
Ground Zero (бес review) Nuclear
secrets surface in the outback. Wh
А Handful of Dust (8/88) Evelyn Waugh's
tale of upper-crust indiscretions. за
Hero and the Terror (Listed only) Chuck
Norris tries soap opera. Ye
Married to the Mob (See review) As a
Майа widow, Pfeiffer steals и. ЖУУ
Midnight Run (See review) High times
on the road with Grodin, De Niro. ¥¥¥¥
Monkey Shines (See review)
George A. Romero goes a
Moon over Parador (See review) Ham on
wry, courtesy of Richard Dreyfuss. ¥¥¥
Mr. North (9/88) Director Danny Hus-
ton, John's son, keeps up with Dad. ¥¥¥
Pascalis Island (9/88) As the resident spy,

Ben Kingsley is brilliant. viv
Patty Hearst (Sce review) Schrader and
Richardson tell it like it we Wi

Running on Empty (See review) Sixties
rebels gone dry. wy
Stealing Home (9/88) Mark Harmon as
yet another ballplayer, but Jodie Foster
seems to drive in all the runs. уу
Sweet Lies (Listed 9/88) Two jeunes filles
target Treat Wi
Track 29 (6/88) Hubby's passion for mod-
el trains derails Theresa Russell. ¥¥¥
Tucker (9/88) Coppola's flashy essay on
auto mania, with Jeff Bridges in high
gear careerwise. Upgraded. уузу
The Unbearable Lightness of Being (5/88)
Daniel Day-Lewis in all that jazz about
love, sex and politics in Prague. ¥¥¥¥
The Wash (9/88) A Japanese-American
matron lets it all hang out. yyy
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Listed only)
Fabulous mix of Toons and live actors
keeps me from splitting hares over а
fairly routine private-eye plot. УМ

ҰҰҰУУ Outstanding
YYYY Don't miss YY Worth a lo
¥¥¥ Good show Y Forget it

ZEEVCHAFETS may have sct out on a journey
to find a Jewish America, his personal
confirmation of a society ex
the urban crawl of his youth
stereotyped neighborhoods of a Woody
Allen film; but if Members of the Tribe (Ban-
tam), a chronicle of his cross-country
schlep, accomplishes anything, it shows an
amazing, almost cosmic connection among
people who have absolutely nothing in
common but their Jewishness. Along the
way Chalets shmooses with Louisiana's
bayou Jews, noshes with the vanishing Jews
throughout the South and goes meshuga in
search of Jews in the heartland of lowa. It's
a touching, sometimes hilarious romp
among the chosen few.

.
Scores of nonfiction books and articles
have been written about marriage, but it
takes only one Anne Tyler novel—Breath-
ing Lessons (Knopf)—to dissect real mar-
ried life. Tyler's Пи book describes one
day in the life of Ira and Maggie Moran, a
couple working on their 29th year of mar-
riage. They are on their way to the funeral
of an old friend and the trip has many de-
tours, both physical and mental. At the end
of the novels day, Maggie collapses into
bed exhausted—as does the reader. As
usual in а ‘Tyler novel, the characters are
real enough to be members of your own
family: they amuse yon and annoy yon

Louis Rukeyser was the first person to
make interesting television out of money
and Wall Street. Louis Rukeyser's Business Al-
тапас (Simon & Schuster) is an excellent
short course in the business of business
culled from his many years on the beat. He
summons experts in each aspect of the
money game and they report on money it-
self, government, taxes and the service,
manufacturing and financial industries.
The book breaks down America's busi-
nesses, gives a short overview of them, tells
you who the players are and what's in store
for them over the coming years. Business
Almanac costs less than a Wharton M.
and if you ever get a key to the execı
washroom, you're likely to find a copy ol
hidden in the stalls.

Jay Cronley, whose Funny Farm was re-
cently showing at a theater near you, is a
very gifted man. In Walking Papers (Ra
dom House), he is able to do the impossi-
ble: make a divorce both plausible and
funny. John Grape gets taken to the clean-
ers by his wife's lawyer and the judge. He
Kicks around some story ideas for his next
book and the one that fires his desperate
imagination is to get his wife back, He de-
cides to become the person she always
wanted him to be: cultured, fit, someone
who could pass a race track without losing
the mortgage money. He transforms him-
self—ıhrough plastic surgery and a fat

Chafets shmooses with Members of the Tribe.

In search of Jewish America;
Anne Tyler and Jay Cronley dissect
marriage and divorce.

farm—and goes on to woo back his wife.
We do warn you: Wear loose clothing while
reading Papers or you may damage your-
selfin a fit of laughter.

When the Cats Away (Beech Trec/Mor-
row) is more fun than reading a promo
release from a music-biz publicity flack.
inky Friedman, a once and future coun-
try singer, writes detective novels that fca-
ture a country singer turned detective
named Kinky Fricdman. Got it? Set in
Greenwich Village, the stories have a cer-
tain charm—its the same sort of patter
country singers use while tuning up their
guitars on stage. This one involves a cat-
naping by an ancient cult of New England
feline lovers. Like country music, an ac-
quired taste.

BOOK BAG

Monday Night Mayhem (Beech Tree/Mor-
row), by Marc Gunther and Bill Carter,
Story of ABC's Mon-
The authors do a
ig out the cat fight
that became a weekly fixture on national
television. Here are the facts, figures and
faces of prime-time football: Cosell, Dandy
Don, the СіНег, Keith Jackson, Alex Kar-
ras, O. |. Simpson, Roone Arledge et al. It's
a candid journey through egoland, a eulo-
ву that unfortunately becomes an elegy.

1 Am a VCR (Random House), by Магуй
Кітап: A wonderfully flowing autobiog-
raphy, to say the least. It’s a wonder that
Kitman, television critic for Newsday and

the Los Angeles Times
burst from holding all this

tube addict's nostalgia trip through a not-
so-vast wasteland.

Object Lessons (Vintage/Random House),
by James T Pendergrast: Pendergrası,
whose cartoons appear regularly in
Rolling Stone, presents 150 new drawings
in categories ranging from “The Meaning
of Life” to “Growing Up Normal." This is
very funny stuff.

An Americon's Guide to the Soviet Union
(Hippocrene), by Lydle Brinkle: Now that
there has been a thaw in American/Soviet
relations, travelers should welcome this
ide. It covers Moscow, Leningrad and
Kievin depth, as well as other stops such as
Odessa and Novgorod, providing such
useful information as how to get medical
treatment, where to ski and what's happen-
ingin Minsk.

Heaven ls a Playground (Fireside/Simon &
Schuster), by Rick Telander: Fireside has
reprinted Telander's chronicle of a sum-
mer spent hanging out at an inner-city
playground watching real basketball being
played. To many kids, this is their only
N.B.A., and he gets it all. 1f you missed
Heaven the first time around, read it now
before the movie reaches your local screen.

"E" Is for Evidence (Holt), by Sue Grafton:
Kinsey Millhone is the star of all five of
Graftons alphabet mysteries; you could
start here and read back to "A" Is for Alibi.
Kinsey's smart, independent, tough when
it matters—and human. Everything you
could ask for in a mystery series.

All Consuming Images (Basic Books), by
Stuart Ewen: The evolution of style, from
the. privilege of aristocracy to its present
credo—to have is to do. The book con-
firms what you've always suspected: Atti-
tude is everything.

Dodger Dogs to Fenway Franks (McGraw-
Hill), by Robert Wood: Big-league ball
parks ranked the way a grade-school
teacher hands out report cards—A
through D and etched in stone. Rating
conditions on the held, comfort in the
stands, edibility of food and employee
courtesy, Wood gives top kudos to Kansas
City’s Royals Stadium and Los Angeles’
Dodger Stadium; Houston's Astrodome
and Exhibition Stadium in ‘Toronto
finished in the cellar.

Government Giveaways for Entrepreneurs
(Information USA, PO. Box 15700, Chevy
Chase, Maryland 20815) by Matthew
Lesko: A 448-page directory with com-
mentary that any fledgling business person
will find an excellent source book on every-
thing from loan programs to agencies to
free expertise and sound advice on deal-
ing with state and Federal bureaucracies.

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MEN

\ А ] elcome to college, gentlemen. 1 as-

sume you have the only three skills
necessary to profit [rom the education you
are about to receive: (1) You know how to
tap a beer keg; (2) you know where to buy
condoms; and (3) you know how to sleep in
class with your eyes open and a smile on
your face.

Anything else? Well, it helps to know
where the bookstore and the library are.
You may have to take your parents by them
оп Parents Day. And don't forget the gold-
en rule of every college student: Ask for
money from home before your first
semester's grades are posted,

OK, it's been a long summer, you miss
your high school friends, you wonder how
you ended up at a university that seems to
be little more than a huge commercial en-
terprise and you're lusting after several
women on campus who have eyes only for
the football team. Welcome 10 the world of
the college freshman. You are not alone.
Soon you'll have a new crew of friends,

people who will be your compatriots for
life. Be patient. Tt will happen.
While you're sitting around, sipping

your suds and reading this edition of
Playboy, check out last month's Men
column. 115 called “Feminist U” and it ap-
plies directly to you and your new world
In it, I talked about the proliferation of
women'sstudies programs on the college
campuses of America, a phenomenon of
the past two decades of feminist activism
in this culture that is founded on the limit-
ing idea that women deserve to be educat-
ed about themselves and men do not.

As an example of this narrow and bi-
ased perception, I listed some of the wom-
en’s-studies courses a student could take at
Dartmouth (Women in China, Women in
Africa, Women in Myth, сіс.). I suggested
that no equivalent series of courses for
men could be found in the Dartmouth ca
alog—and I noted that this was the stand-
ard situation on our college campuses at
the present time. Men's-studies programs
equal in rank, stature and budget to cur-
rent women's-studies programs are nonex-
istent today

“Why this monopoly of feminist thought
on today's college campuses?" I asked. "Its
obvious—and generally unmentioned іп
classrooms or in national debate.
takes many forms, and today’s academic
feminism is one of the most virulent.”

What does this have to do with you? Ev-
erything. You're being denied
tion about yourself. Worse, you're living in

By ASA BABER

THE CLASS
OF 1992

a culture that assumes you have no prob-
lems worth examining. So your assign-
ment, gentlemen (and fair-minded ladies)
of the class of 1992, is to improve the im-
poverished condition of your university
course offerings. You have four years to
work on it, but I hope you get started now.
Mens studies is a worthy idea.

То help you along, here are some sugges-
tions for the kinds of courses that might
constitute the beginnings of a viable men's-
studies program. Use what you can, forget
the rest, add your own. Just give the idea
some thought, then translate that thought
into action. If you do, I promise you this
much: You'll have an interesting four
years. No topic provokes more heated dis
cussion, none is more sensitive at this time
than the question of male and female roles
in our society. И you argue that men de-
serve an independent program of thei
own, you'll catch some flak. But if by 1992
you've helped balance the curriculum of
your school, you will graduate with the
sense that you've done more than just
drink beer and go through the motions of
getting an education. Try it. You'll like it.

Proposed men’s-studies courses:

The Biological M A study of male
physiology, the athletic male, male health
problems, the nature of aging, questions of
male longevity and ways to increase it,

Fathers, Mothers, Siblings: The m

relationship 5 family, burdens and
opportunities, patterns of love and resent-

ment, creativity and destruction.
Male Sexuality: The psychological and
physiological elements of sexuality, diffe

ences between male and female sexuality.

Men and the Law: Questions of divorce.
child custody, property settlements, cohab-
itation agreements, the mi rv draft, men
in prison, the death penalty,

Role Models: Autobiographies and bi-
ographies of representative men, with a fo-
cus on role modeling as a major lear
experience; each student in this course
tes an autobiography.

Contemporary Feminism: The feminist
movement from a male perspective: its his-
tory, its value and usefulness. its excesses
and how you deal with them

Hero/Antihero: How men are portrayed
in literature, drama and film and the ex-
pectations produced by those portrayals

TU Advertising and the American
Male: The cultural suppositions behind
the images we are fed, the devices used to
manipulate us, the differing images of the
male.

Fathering: A “how-to” course, including
a historical and sociological perspective,
from prenatal care to relationships with
adult sons and daughters.

Pornography/Erotica: A study of differ-
ences in male and female perceptions of
sexual excitement, also focusing on issues
concerning pornography and the First
Amendment.

The Myths Men Make: Issues of self-
perception and identity, how men motivate
themselves, what they notice, hear, see. re-
member (and what they dont), ways of
sell-improvement.

History of the Common Man: Not Ihe
al study of the campaigns of Napoleon
or the decisions of American Presidents
but a history of the unnoticed man.

Men and War: The history of the male
in any society is often the history of men in
combat; a study of war and its impact on all
men.
sender Studies: This is the biggie, the
seminar that should cap both the men's-
and the womens-studies programs; in it,
you draw from all you've learned about
yourself and the opposite sex, and you
practice problem solving on a group basis.

Thats a start. It gives you some ideas to
take to the dean. 1 wish you luck. Now tap
that keg, smile that smile a y the
sleep you get in class be pe:

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WOMEN

M: ife seems empty and strange, so 1
have been searching for the mean-
ing of love. I made the terrible mistake of
hing in an excruciatingly trendy New
ight club. There was a supercilious
s tie anyone

York.
man wearing the most preci
ever sav. He made me want to die or leave.
town. So I went to Texas.

, Texas, where once a year there
i ai ree а mass festival айелді by
the best songwriters in the world.

1 wanted а glimpse of the legendary
Butch Hancock, whose songs cause me to
reverberate with loneliness and passion,
Or, please, Lord, Jimmie Dale Gilmore,
Joe Ely, Terry Allen.

Never heard of those guys? Never mind.
Theyre all from Lubbock and now all but
Allen live in Austin, where they are local
heroes. But they're not quite available for
general consumption, though rock critics
voted Joe Elys Lord of the Highway the best
album of 1987, and Jimmie Dale Gilmore's
Fair & Square is climbing the charts in
England. But these guys record on obscure
labels because of the high percentage of
morons at major record companies. So you
almost have to go to Texas to hear this
amalgam of rock, country and folk with
the kind of lyrics that make you shiver. It is
worth it.

I arrived in the sweetly fragrant Texas
hill country, drove my rented car down a
dirt road to the music festival and found
myself in a time warp. There were acres of
campgrounds and a huge open-air theater.
Peter Yarrow was on stage, singing Puff the
Magic Dragon. People in tie-dye had their
arms slung around cach other and were
swaying to the music. There was a man
with his beard braided. There was my
friend Carol, who hugged me.

“And this is Whale,” Carol said, point
ing to a giant with brightred hair and
bcard. Whale promptly folded me in a
huge embrace, all body parts touching.
This is Kerrville,” Carol said, “where a
hug is the official greeting."

Yes, | was in an enormous hippie com-
mune. The festival n by a white-beard-
ed fellow named Rod Kennedy, who hugs
lustily and manages to get about 200 pe:
ple to work for eight dollars a plus
food. All the performers perform for a pi
tance, spectators pay a minuseule amou
and sometimes there isn't enough money
for food, so, naturally, there is a lot of bon-
homie.

Stars were bright overhead and Texas
dust was in my throat. “I've come down

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

fried steak and figure out the meaning of

between hugging fellows
ое Don and Alex.
“A laudable activity for a wor
Alex. “Or even anyone, I guess."
"Want to meet Butch. Hancock?" asked
Carol. "He can sing about love forever."
“Absolutely not," E snapped. "What can
a regular person say to the genius who
wrote West Texas Waltz and Neon Wind?"
“Hell, l'm just another jerk.” said Butch,
who may have been listening. He is a wiry
fellow with intense eyes and a good, solid
nose, "And this is Jimmie Dale Gilmore."
“Hello,” said Jimmie, a man with killer
cheekbones who will look 17 until hes 80.
You look familiar. Have we met?
"No; Га remember,” I said.
“Are you sure we didnt spend a week to-
gether and manage to ruin everything
h everyone else?”
‘ome to think of it, maybe 1 did have
your child.”
"This is innocent Texas flirting. This is
why I tell all heartbroken girls to buy a
one-way ticket to Austin. Texas men can
е flirting all the way up to met
1 wandered all night through the tent-
studded campgrounds, stopping at severa
campfires, listening to singer
met a wi n searching for an old, fat,
bald man to love; she was trying to kick the
handsome-hunk habit, | met another
woman whose husband had left her when

an,” said

she broke her ankle roller skating, had
come back when she healed. 1 heard a
woman sing, “She can have your heart,
darlin, what 1 wants further down”;
heard a man sing, “1 want my rib back.
heard a bunch of terrible songs—sensiti
fey little ditties of the wounded-unicorn
genre, 1 met a woman named Ann who
clearly remembered meeting me when 1
was 15. She threatened 10 sing Get Your
Tongue Ош of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You
Goodbye. Jimmie Dale Gilmore strolled by
with a guitar and said, "Do you realize
there are some people who only like what's
in style?" Three men sitting around one
camphre dedicated songs to me and I felt
my blood race. [ went to sleep in a tent at
da listening to Butch and Joe sing
duets.

“It takes the fun out of wrestling angels!
When God Herself dont wanna win,”
Butch wailed,

“Butch,” I said early next afternoon,
“some of the songs I heard seem terribk
could this he true?”

“Yes.” he said, “like bad gas. People have
aright to get that stuff out of their system,
or else ИЛЇ kill them. One man's folk song is
another man’s lethal weapon. Here's your
friend Jeff.”

“Still searching for the meaning of
love?" said Jeff, whom I hadn't seen in five
years.

“It persists in eluding me,” I said
shruy

“Its living in New York,
small towns, everyone's on the
towns, everyone's on the take.”

"Maybe you're thinking with the wrong
part of your bod said Jeff. “There really
is tribalism, you know. We're animals, we
recognize commonality through smell. We
have a deep reptilian brain. Think with
your skin. Skin has a way of deep aflınit

“Т have myriads of fantasies, which I try
10 ignore," d Butch. "We all live too
much in our heads.”

“So when I see Moonstruck and identify
with Cher and get excited and dizzy over
Nicolas Cage, Im wasting my own life?"

"Probably," he said.

"Women are all hunger and confusion,
and men—men are just beaten," said Дей.

“What about all those statistics that tell
women they'll never find a mate?" I asked.

“All the statistics in the world don't make
a difference when one person. changes
their mind,” said Butch.

Sol walked off and found myself a lover.

said Butch. "In
ake; big

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

[| have a boyfriend who talks dirty in bed
Not with swear words or anything like that.
He makes up long, involved fantasies, us-
mes of people we know. Usually,
ie that we are having
а menage a trois with one of our female
acquaintances. He will say, “And Mary
ing your breasts, just so, Her hand
touching your clitoris, delicately” Or
“Jennifer is pressing her breasts 10 your
cupping your breasts with her
." Sometimes 1 wear a blindfold and
id that it is actually happe
os it. Is that weird? Не
ing the fantasy a reality,
al nervousness has dis-

fuels my imagination, Maybe I don't have a
problem, But could you still tell

According lo “The Playboy Readers’ Sex
Survey,” almost half of you have talked dirty
during sex. We didn't ask for details, so we
can't tell you what people are saying, Your
partners fantasy sounds fun, Its cheaper
than dial-a-porn.

Harp. My local video store is pretty much
the pits. It stocks the obvious best sellers
but doesn't like to take risks stocking ob-
scure titles. Im sure that there is stuff
available more interesting than One Hun-
dred and One Dalmatians. Any sugges-
tions?— T. P, Salt Lake City, Utah.

Suicide. No, just kidding We wont give up
Ihe ghost until we see “Belle de Jour” on
widro—or “Tom Jones” or “Walkabout” or
“More” or “Zatouiche Meets Yojimbo.” After
strip-mining the local video store, we have
turned (o catalogs. One of the oldest mail-
order video stores 15 Movies Unlimiled (6736
Castor Avenue, Philadelphia 19149). The
catalog ($9.95) offers everylung from
episodes of “The Avengers" (819.95) to the
complete four-film opus of "Ila, She Wolf of
the SS.” A separate adult-video catalog
(85.50) offers the best X-rated cassettes (from
$19.95 to $59.95). If you are tired of the local
PBS stations making all those viewer appeals
and want lo program your own culture, try
the catalog (three dollars) from Kultur (121
Highway 36, West Long Branch, New Jersey
07764). It sells ballet, opera and classical-
music performances on video cassette for
about $29.95 a tape. For a crash course, you
can order “Wagner: the Complete Epic” in a
nine-hour unedited version for $124.95. The
Evergreen Video Society (213 West 35th
Street, Second Floor, New York 10001-4024)
is another useful resource, offering more than
2500 titles for sale or rent. Its versions of
public-domain films are especially good.
Facets Cinematheque (1517 West Fullerton
Avenue, Chicago 60614) offers an eclectic.
collection of foreign, classic, independent and
American films for sale or rent. (Its catalog is

available for four dollars.) Still hungry?
Video Yesteryear (Box C, Sandy Hook, Con-
necticut 06482) has a catalog (two dollars)
of 916 serials, silents and early screen clas-
sics. Shokus Video (Р.О. Box 8434, Van Nuys,
California 91409) offers a great collection of
curly television shows—from Uncle Мйне to

Jack Benny to "Beat the Clock" and
“864,000 Question.”
For four months, 1 have been living with

a girl. We get along well and enjoy an ex-
She is very
open-minded, with few inhibitions. I am
less open-minded and more skeptical. My
problem is that she has the need to have
other male friends, as she gets along better
with men. The other day, she aske
all right for her to go to a male
home to have dinner with him. I would
never stop her from going, but 1 did say
that I was not terribly happy with the idea.
If that was what she really wanted to do, it
was OK with me. However, 1 can't help but
feel that something is wrong with this situ-
ation, with this man's calling her up and
asking her to dinner at his home when he
knows that she is living with me. I have met
this guy ona few occa:
have no ulterior motives. My girlfriend
feels that there is nothing wrong with their
relationship, because she would not do
anything sexual him. I feel that my
girlfriend is a little naive about this situa-
tion, Is there a right or wrong to this?—
i, Florida.

think your girlfriend is being a bit
naive, In a world of mixed signals, crossing
the threshold into someones apartment sug-
gests a more intimate encounter. Some women
complain that relationships chafe, that sud-
denly they cant get along with other men the

way they always have. Singles have an auton-
оту and etiquette that couples do not have,
Of course, she can maintain friendships with
other men—but she can do that over lunch in
a restaurant. If dinner is the only alternative,
why not have it at your house? [s there a
plausible reason you shouldn't be along?
There are still some questions that should be
answered before this issue is settled.

А bout 15 years ago, 1 bought my stereo
speakers. Given that they are three-way
speakers in still-handsome walnut enclo-
sures, is there any compelling argument
for buying newer models? Are my present
speakers deteriorating unbeknownst 10
me, and, if so, are there steps | can take to
preserve them?—D. R. W, Charlottesville,
Virginia.

Performance of speakers will change due to
deterioration of components aver time. Speak-
er cones lose their rigidity, speaker surrounds
lose some flex and voice coils may corrode
slightly and impede their travel. Usually,
those changes make only slight differences in
sound, too small to be noticed if they occur
over a long period. The result of those
changes could be a speaker that sounds differ-
ent from when it was new but maintains the
characteristics that made it sound good origi-
nally, The only protection from deterioration
is keeping the speakers in а cool, dry environ
ment.

Bh response to the letter in the July
Playboy Advisor from B. N. of Juneau,
Alaska, regarding the art of making love
with a lady's breasts, | would like to offer
some suggestions on techniques, as well as
how to approach the subject. In my experi-
ences in discussing this beautiful form of
lovemaking with the ladies who have
shared my bed, Гус found that the best
way of talking about it is not to usc blunt
language, such as, “I want to fuck you be-
tween your tits," except in the heat of pas-
sion, when such a statement can greatly
increase the level of excitement. Rather, it
is better to be more sensitive in your ap-
proach. Chances are that she will be more
than willing and very excited to ассо
date your wishes. The element of erotic
surprise can be very exciting to a lady, as
well. For instance, if she is giving you oral
loving, you can slide vour penis from her
lips until it is between her breasts. Then
bcgin sliding it in and out of her cleavage,
and on each upstroke, she can tal
penis between her lips. It is important to
encourage her 10 be active in sharing this
pleasure. In this day and age of safer sex,
breast intercourse is completely safe as
long as there are no cuts or abrasions on
the skin, and it is also a wonderfully ex
and sensuous form of birth control. As
as technique is concerned, 1 offer the
following tips. When you and your lady are

PLAYBOY

breasts. Praise their beauty, their warmth,
their softness. Caress and fondle them lov-
i worship them with your lips and
both of you are hot for
г. Her breasts should be well lu-
h saliva, vaginal secretions or
some other kind of lubricant to prevent
any discomfort to either of you, as well as
си sexier and more fun. When her
breasts and your penis are all slicked up.
use your penis to caress her nipples, cir-
cling your glans around her areolae, and
gently press the tip of her nipple into the
opening of your urethra. Gentleness is the
key when doing this! It is guaranteed to
drive both of you to incredible heights of
passion. Caress her breasts thoroughly
with your penis, and then slide it between
them. Have her squeeze her breasts
around your penis while you begin thrust-
g back and forth slowly, gradually in-
creasing the tempo. Play with her nipples
while you are thrusting, and you can also
reach behind you to caress her clitoris and
vaginal lips to add to her pleasure. As your
excitement mounts toward orgasm, you
may want to slow down or even stop your
breast humping to make it last longer, or
you may want to increase your tempo and
really go for it. When you reach your peak,
let it go all over her breasts, nipples, lips,
face and hair, Your lady will be so hot that
she may have an orgasm at the same time
you do. Gently and lovingly massage all of
your semen into her breasts and nipples
with your penis after both of you have
finished. I gu tee that both you and
your lady will enjoy this beautiful form of
lovemaking. 1 hope my suggestions will
help others enjoy tit loving as much as I
enjoy it.—]. B., Baltimore, Maryland.

Thanks. And тау we have your recipe for
chicken cacciatore?

Е wane tis cet ора Байес bar with enough
alcoholic beverages to meet all reasonable
requests. However, I'm concerned about
how well my liquor will keep, both opened
and unopened. Should unopened bottles
be stored on their sides like wine? Please,
not a long discourse; just the fundamentals
so | can do the right thing.
Raleigh, North Carolina.

The backbone of any basic bar is an as-
sortment of standard spirits—vodka, Scotch,
bourbon, etc. Depending on what you and
your friends customarily drink, you may stock
as few as three or as many as a dozen, per-
haps more. Check the shelves of a good liquor
shop, bui don't get carried ашау with esoterica
that maybe one guest a year will request.
Sealed bottles can last for years—some say
indefinitely—as long as the closure remains
intact and no air enters the bottle. Stove un-
opened bottles in an upright position, not on
their sides as you would wine. lf a bottle of
booze rests on its side for a lengthy period, the
alcohol may cause the closure to deteriorate,
Also, keep Ihe bottles away from heat, bright
light and vibration. From tme to time, check
the level of the liquid in the necks of un-

opened botiles. If any seem low, there may be
leakage or evaporation because of a faulty
closure. In such cases—uhich are quite rare,
incidentally—open the bottle, taste to make
sure ИУ OK and then use as needed. Our
perience has been that opened bottles hold
their quality for many months, provided
they're tightly closed after use and stored the
same as unopened bottles. In addition, your
har will probably include liquenrs—for both
after-dinner sipping and mixing drinks. For
the most part, liqueurs are more perishable
than other spirits because of their lower alco-
hol content and their delicate flavoring ingre-
dients. Keep them in as cool a place as
possible before opening. After opening, keep
those below 40 proof in the refrigerator if
they're not likely to be used up within a couple
of weeks. Lower-proof liqueurs lose some
quality over time—opened or unopened.
The good news is that, generally, the changes
are not particularly noticeable. You may also
want to stock dry vermouth for martinis and
sweet vermouth for manhattans. Treat these
wines the same as lower-proof liqueurs and,
to keep them in optimum condition, refriger-
ate after opening If you don't use much ver-
mouth, you're better off buying the half-bottle
(375 ml) size.

WWhite twas shopping fora new stock of
necktics, a salesperson mentioned “power
ties" I had heard that reference before,
but it had little significance to me at the
time. I was told, however, that red ties sig-
llow, success; dark blue, leg-
ve/judicial. Is there anything tO that?
If so, what about other colors—brown,
gray, Burgundy, green, ew.?—D. К.
Austin, Texas.

About two years ago, the power tie was
predominantly soft yellow with a small, dis-
creet navy-blue pattern, И was worn by arbi-
tragers, program traders and all those guys
who work selling clothes, if they work at all.
In short, the lies have become too commun to
relain their original cachet, Just as the cos-
metics industry plays upon the insecurity of
women regarding their appearance, the pow-
ertio business was lailormade for insecure
men in lackluster positions. If you want to
broadcast that insecurity, buy a power tie. If
not, forget the dictates of people working in a
tie shop and invest in the best quality clothing
you can afford, along with an array of coor-
dinated shirts and ties that will allow you to
put together a variety of looks.

В have been avoiding writing to you about
my secret oral-sex trick for a long timi
here goes. Dildos and vibrators sti

the clitoris and drive most women wild
once they get used to them. There are sev-
eral problems with tho ficial props:
They are cold, hard, require batteries or
cords and the vibrating sensations are very
limited. My secret is 10 gently buzz your
lips on the clit for a long time and vary the
speed with your breath. Once the lady gets
used to the sound of you giving her rasp-
berries on her clit, she will climax harder
and longer than with any vibrator! Simply

practice passing а long stream of air
through your lips on your
can control the buzzing or flapping. 1
more you practice, the easier it gets, and
you will achieve more variety in the vibra-
tions. Then start buzzing your lips on her
thigh so that she can get used to the fi
sound and unique sensation. It won't be
long before she is ready to feel it on her clit.
“The result is a hot pair of lips buzzing on
her clit at any speed or pressure she likes.
By taking long and deep breaths between
buzzing, you can continue this personal vi-
brator for as long as the lady likes. Or
word of caution before you try this: Many
women find it so exciting and orgasmi
that they lose their breath from scream-
ing; so stop to let them catch their breath.
A woman can also use this technique on a
man by buzzing her lips on the sensitive
skin behind the head of his penis. It is very
exciting and very unusual. Please let me
know if you have ever heard of this and
what results you have found. Try it; you'll
love it!—R. M., Irvine, California.

Think of the money you'll save on batteries
alone.

Can you tell me anything about pa-
paverine? A friend tells me thatitis a drug
that gives you four-hour erections. Appar-
ently, it is a cure for impotence that lets
normal guys last all night. It sounds too
good to be true. Whats the scoop?—B. G.,
New York, New York.

Reportedly, more than 10000 impotent
men have received treatment with papaver-
ine—despite the fact that the FDA has not
approved its use for intracavernosal injec-
tion. What, you may ask, is intracavernosal
injection? И means that the drug is adminis-
tered with a 26-gauge needle directly in your
penis. In treatment, the physician teaches pa-
tients how to inject themselves, The erection
lasts from 90 to 120 minutes. What are the
drawbacks? Well, aside from the obvious
break in the romantic mood (we are a nation
that has а hard time putting on condoms—
stopping sex to play doctor may be beyond all
but the most dysfunctional men), ten to 20
percent of men experience priapism, or pro-
longed erection. You have to rush back to the
doctor to have your penis irrigated and/or
treated with oiher drugs. There тау be some
bleeding from the injection site, and some
men accidentally perforate the urethra. Ex-
tended use may result in a deformed or pain
ful erection. Our advice: If you don't need it,
don't even think about it, If you do need it,
consider carefully the alternatives.

АЙ reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars lo dating
problems, taste and etiquette—uill be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

GULLWING: LIGHT YEARS AHEAD OF ITS TIME

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Gullwing. Because its distinctive

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gullwing doors and sheer speed made
the 1954 Mercedes-Benz 300 SL the
most innovative sports car in history.
Now precisely re-created in an
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the camshaft cover under the hood.
Real cloth has been specially woven
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ИДЕ

desta ad
handling

Please mail by October 31, 1988.

Signature
эи ORDENS ан: аыл TO казата
Name
A
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DEAR PLAYMATES

The question fer hie: moni:
How do you get a partner who is a

m not the world's greatest communica-
tor. Г have to work on that. Sometimes | sit
on something for a day, because I dont
know how to approach it and I want to be
honest. 1 don't know if сап make someone
communicate
with me if he's
not a willing
partner. Then
he won't tell me
the truth.
About all I can
do is show him
by example
that he doesn't
have to be
afraid to be
honest, even
though 1 know
it’s hard to do. Also, there are some things
that cant be solved overnight or in a week.
You may have a difference of op
forever. You have to be able to.
don't see this thing the
move on.

ЖУ >
(EP

CHER BUTLER
AUGUST 1983

Mir nes noc a good communicator, dori
start off on the defensive. Get him to talk
about himself.
Don't go on the
attack Be а

friend. lt does
drive me crazy
when | don't

know what
someone I care
about is think-
ng. I's a good
idea to tell him
whats really
important to
you. That en-
courages him to do the same. If he feels
comfortable, it will be casicr for him to
talk. Then hell get used to doing i

Bun

LAURIE CARR
DECEMBER 1986

When my fiance and 1 got together, 1 re-
ally wanted to know if we were starting a
relationship that would last or if we were
having a fling. He never wanted to talk
about it. To him, it was just day by day. Fi-
nally, one day 1

id to him,
“You have to
answer every

singe one of
these questions
right now, be-
cause if you
dont, it's over.
If you can't tell
me what you
have in mind,
then you obvi-
ously don't
want to go any further with this relation-
ship." I had known him for a long time and
1 really cared about him. I wanted to know
if my ideas about the future matched his. I
pushed him, but I think he knew what he
wanted. He was just the kind of person
who let things ride. The direct approach
worked really well.

DE ИИ 2

INDIA ALLEN
BER 1987

Wes not my job to change him, but 1 can
encourage him, direcily and indirectly, to
be more open. Sometimes men will keep
things inside because | come on strong,
and that can be
idat-
І have
learned how to
help them be
more honest
with me by
touching, hold-
ing and a gen-
Че approach. 1
try not to be too
critical, b
cause som
times a guy will
take that all wrong. I try to let him know
you can have friendship in a relationship
and that he can come to me to discuss any-
thing at all.

REBECCA FERRATTI
JUNE 1986

Vou learn to adapt, because everyone
communicates differently. Either you talk
about every lit-
tle thing or you
learn to read
his face and his
actions. Once
you have been
with a man for
a while, you
tend to recog-
nize other
forms of com-
munication. Fi-
nally, if it's
serious, you
ask. And you dont accept “Nothing's
wrong" for an answer. Then he's playing
games. | won't put up with a relationship
like that.

Dr AM

ANNA CLARK

ink

ve encountered this problem. I th

the main reason for poor communication

the fear of being rejected. A rel.
should make it
safe to be vul-
nerable. I was
an uncommu-
nicative person
for a long, long
time. Fortu-
tely I had a
man in my lile
who made me
feel safe about
saying whatev-
er was on my
mind without
passing judgment on me. That's the key. If
you create the environment where some-
one communication
becomes easier, more natural and a good
habit to get into.

Ха Саа

ionship

PETERSON
FEBRUARY 1987

Send your questions to Dear Playmates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but well try.

SOME MEN HAVE A TASTE FOR WHISKY.

SOME MEN HAVE A TASTE FOR GOLD.

PLAYBOY

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what you think.

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think again. Merit Ultra Lights delivers rich, smooth, genuinely
satisfying taste. Even with so little tar. The secret is Enriched Flavor" Only Merit has it.
Come to think of it, maybe that’s why it’s one of today’s
fastest growing ultra light brands.

Enriched Flavor" ultra low “ar solution with Merit.

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Kings: 5 mg "tar. 0.5 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

In the past few months, newspap

editors, business leaders and newsstand

dealers have received a shocking 24-
page report from The Institute for

Media Education called
Summary: Images of Children, Crime
and V

lence in Playboy, Penthouse and
Hustler Magazines.”

According to the report, a
Government-funded study
by Judith А. Reisman,
Ph.D. found toral of
6004 photographs, illustra-
tions and cartoons depicting
children in Ше 683 maga-
dines. Hustler depicted chil-
dren most often. an average
of 14.1 times per issue, fol-
lowed by Playboy (8.2 times
per issue) and Penthouse (64
times per issue)

From 1954 to 1984, these
6004 images of children
were interspersed with
15,000 images of crime and
violence. UO female
nd 9000 female

According to the author,
issues were raised
lor future study

I. The role of the:
magazines in making chil-
dren more acceptable as
objects of abuse, neglect
and mistreatment, especíal-
ly sexual abuse and ex
ploitation

“2. The possibility that
these images of childre
duce taboos and inhibitions
restraining abu
ful or exploitative be
toward children

3. The possible trivializi
tion of child
ls of readers

ive, neglecı-

vior

treatment in

document and a legiti
search. It is neither, Who is the exec
tive who issued the report? h c
from The Institute for Media Educ
tion, a nonprofit organization founded
by Judith Reisman and run by Judith
Reisman for the sole purpose ol di
ting the beliefs of Judith Rei

не piece of re-

"29. "Pseudo-Child' (4/76, cover)

ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN

"Several medical and photo-montage experts
examined this caver. Each independently con-
cluded that two, perhaps three bodies were
combined ta create this cut-and-paste female
image. The child clathing and props were all

carefully designed to create arousal
stimuli,” ——ТНЕ EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

МС

Mussolini and Hiroht In
choosing her villa she revealed
more than she intended. Her work

reflects the Big Lie theory of Goeb-
bels more than it does social science.
Ifyou say something loud enough, and
often enough, it becomes the truth.

The primary supporter
of the current version of the
lic is the Reverend Donald
Wildmon, head of the
A y Family Associa:
лк Or, аз И was lo
called, the National Federa
tion for Decency. In the May
1988 issue ol the AEA. Jour
nal, he ри “This Ex-
ecutive Summary is the
most powerful tool ус
which concerned citizens
can use 10 persuade stores
to discontinue the sale of
pornographie magazines,
The Executive Summary
places these magazines in
their true light, one which
the public has never se
before. The principal re-
searcher, Dr. Judith Reis-
man, has done a superb job
of showing how these publi-
cations foster and encour-
age the sexual abuse of
children, Taking cartoons
and photographs direcily
from. the pa the
reader has n

The report is supposedly
the authorized summary of

carry the Federal
ir, but th
deception.

is a careful

“4. The cu es of
presenting sexual and vio
lent images of children in
magazines that call anen-
tion to sexual and/or violent
activity

Heavy

sequen

май
cerned editor

Newspaper editors
ls. Some ad-
ers to our offices ask-
п. And newsstand
us

vertisers wrote le
ing for an explanati
dealers who had
looked out the window to see pickets
Ihe study appears to be an official

resisted boye

man. Her most noted credential is that
she was once a songwriter on Captain
Kangaroo. Earlier, she wrote feminist
diatribes under the name Judith Bat
Ada. A preview of her bias showed up
in Fake Back the Nigh: Women on
Pornography. in which she cl The
publishers of Playboy, Penthouse and

"A Content. Analysis of
Playboy. Penthouse and Hus
iler Magazines with Spec

Attention to the Port

Children, Crime

lence” was funded by the

Olfice of Juvenile Justice and Delin-

quency Prevention of the United Stites

Department of Justice at а cost of

$734,371. [That means it cost $

count each photo, illustratie
toon.]

On April 11, 1984, the Hu

sources Subcommittee of the Education

and Labor Committee targeted the
study as a prime example of poor plan-
ning. Gordon Raley, the subcommittee
staff director, charged, “This is an
unbelievable waste of taxpayers’ dol-
lars. ... | have never seen a grant as bad
as this, nor an application as irresponsi-

"28. Teen Nude (8/78, р. 238)"

Not only did the university decline to
publish it but the person who was asked
to provide the advisory audit on the re-
port found it unacceptable as research
and as analysis. University of Pennsyl-
vania associate professor of criminolo-
gy Dr. Robert M. Figlio told American

University — officials,
УТ manuscript
cannot stand as a pub.
lishable and/or re-

leasable product in its
present state. ... This
project, the data gath-
cred and the analyses
undertaken offer no
information about the
effects that pornogra-
phy and media vio-
lence may have on
behavior. This is nota
study of causal rela-
tionships, and no con-
dusions of that kind
may be drawn from
the findings present-
ed in the report. Ad-
ditionally, the report
combines erotica and
pornography into a
single category with-
out adequately de-
fining either concept
theoretically or oper-
ationally The report
might better be called
ГА Collection of De-
scriptions of Some
Cartoon and Other
Images, Some of
Which Contain Nudi-

“Relying upon the sexually mature appearance
af the youngster ta legitimize the (naw illegol)
sexual exploitation of an underage youth,
Ployboy knowingly used this nude phata af
Nastassja Kinski at 17 years af age.”

ty, Sexual Activity and
Illegal Behavior or
Some Combination

of the Above, with
Participants of Var

THE EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

ous Ages, Sexes and

bly prepared. . . . Our examination so
far further indicates Ms. Reisman's cre-
dentials as a scientist are pretty flimsy”

When the report was delivered, Al-
fred S. Regnery, the man who had com-
missioned it, said, “Bad judgments were
exercised when the grant was first
made

Verne Speirs, Regnervs successor,
announced that the study would be
shelved because of “multiple serious
flaws in its methodology. . . . We have
made a decision not to officially publish
or disseminate the report.” A spokes-
man for American University (which
provided the academic housing for the
study) also announced that it would not
publish Reisman's work

Other Demographic
Characteristics.

As for the
charge, that Playboy depicts children as
sex objects, Dr. Figlio said, “The term
child used in the aggregate sense in this
t is so inclusive and general as to
be almost meaningless. .. If we cannot
generalize from the data nor infer
meaning from the frequencies report-
ed in the study, what can we do with the
study? The answer is obvious. From a
Ак we cannot take
this work seriously to build theory or
policy”

И the study was rejected by the
officials who had commissioned it, and
repudiated with some embarrassment
by the peers who reviewed it, why is it
now in circulation? How can Reisman
pass it off as an official report when the

mary

uled?
imply denies that she wrote the
nal. The Justice Department
shelved a report “ostensibly written by
Dr. Reisman.” Figlio criticized "thc
unauthorizcd American University
draft" and was “unable to review and
evaluate this final technical version
written by the Principal Investigator."
Ме are always leery of people who refer
to themselves in the third person and
use capital letters. Who, if not Reisman,
wrote the original? Judith Bat Ada?
Captain Kangaroo?

We asked Figlio why he was unable to
review the final version. His answer
“Because she never sent me a final ver-
sion.” We asked what he thought of the
rescarcher at the time of the original
study. “Quite frankly,” he said, "I we
dered what kind of mind would consid-
er the love scene from Romeo and Juliet
10 be child porn."

The purpose of the summary report,
we are told, is the dissemination of in-
formation. "These findings should be
provided to public agencies, educator
policy makers, parents and juveniles
Distilled into dispassionate, concrete
components (i.e.. charts, graphs, statis-
tical tables and explanatory narrative),
the information is now ready for public
access. Such access means that both
adults and juveniles may objectively as-
sess, critique and debate this issue with-
ош requiring exposure to primary
sources."

The report contains nudity that
Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler all take
great care to label as adult entertain-
ment, to be sold to adults only. Кет;
who is supposedly concerned about the
effect of such images on the minds ot
juveniles who accidentally stumble
upon copies of the magazines, is
proposing mass distribution of the
same images to juveniles. It makes vou
wonder.

original was so resoundingly
She

THE NUMBERS САМЕ

he accusations in the study border
on the ludicrous. Reisman claims, for
example, that between December 1953
and December 1984, the three
magazines published an estimated
14,854 images of crime and violence.
Playboy supposedly delivered 170 im-
ages in 1954 alone and averages 21 de-
pictions per issue. One of the primary
requirements ol a scientific study is that
the results be replicated by other re-
searchers.

Joseph E. Scott, Ph.D. and Steven |
velier conducted a similar study of
images of violence in Playboy. Over а
30-year period, they found an average
of 6.92 violent cartoons a year and 1.89
violent pictorials a year. Not per issue,

per year. "Given that the raters found
sexually violent pictorials on orie page
per 3000 pages of the magazin
fewer than four of every 1000 pictori

Is, it would be hard to argue that such
depict
the increase in rape rates. Ci
amount of sexual violence found in
Playboy magazine is so limited that to
argue that it might in some way be re-
lated to sexual assaults would be
stretching one’s imagination,

lo believe Reisman requires more
than a stretch of the imagination. It re-
quires that you abandon a firm grasp of
reality logic and the fundamentals of
science. Scott and Cuvelier did not
count images of children per se, but,
then, neither did Казтап.

Reisman supposedly found eight im-
ages of children per issue. To arrive at
that figure, she counted
every panel of a venera-
ble Playboy cartoon series
called ае Annie Fanny
as an image of a child.
Annie was created as
adult parody of the
vintage Lile Orphan
Annie. She was never а
juvenile.

Never mind. Reisman
has invented a speci
called Pseudo-Child and
claims that 792 adults
were portrayed as Pseu-
do-Children in Playboy
“That might be a serious
charge: Reisman claims
that by dressing women
as children, we get
around the obvious
child-pornography laws
The charge gave us
pause lor thought, until
we read how Pseui
Children were created.

Reisman charges that
the April 1976 cover shot
of Kristine De Bell is the
result of technical м
ardry.

"Pseudo-Child: Se

child is a woman and the woman is a
child and thus both children and wom-
en may be envisioned as appropriate
sexual objects.

Facu The del, Kristine De Bell,
was very real, very adult and ай i
one piece, thank you. The star of an
X-rated version of Alice m Wonderland,
she appeared in Playboy in a pictorial
photographed by Heli

The 24-page report includes a group
of letters from a peer review board, all
applauding the study. One of the photo-
montage experts who reviewed it, and
whose remarks are used to buttress il

nanny, noted Reismans plan for a
Body Validation instrument: "What we
see and sometimes often mistake as a
photograph of a nude woman is often a
retouched photograph with visu
transplants. By that I mean we now

TEUER

"30. 'Peeping' (11/71, p. 174)”

rectly transferred onto printing plates
and then into magazines for the
voyeuristic eye. The face of a 20-year-
old can be connected to the body of a
16-year-old.”

Will Playboy become the home of the
computer-generated graphic next
door? We doubt it and hope that anyone
reading the report has the sense 10
doubt it.

Her charges are reminiscent of the
supposed media expert who saw S-E-X
spelled out in the ice cubes of a whiskey
ad. Reisman can see achild where there
nt one, only by inventing a science-
fiction version of reality.

Allin all, the Reisman report is delu-
sion, not reality; fantasy, not science.

THE AGE OF MAJORITY,

Here's another sample of the Execu-

al medical and photo-
montage experts
examined this cover.
Each independently con-
cluded that two, perhaps

“Тһе 21-year age of consent is meant to provide youth with on opportunity to mature prior
to being legally acceptable os at-risk nude sex objects. That is, such models serve,
versibly, as а stimulus to the imaginotions and possible behaviors of some portions of the

public at large.”

е-

— THE EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

three bodies were com-
bined to create this сі
and-paste female image.
The child clothing
carefully designed о create
arousal stimuli by blurring
between child and adult females, As in
cartoons, technically deceptive photos
suggest to both normal and pedophilic
and adult readers that the

nd props were ай

w child

have thi

technology to create a real,

fantasized perfect nude
woman. Computers can store pictorial
body parts—faces, noses, hands, leg
breasts, etc—and display them on a
screen for an artist to composite. The
final famasized Venus can then be di-

tive Summary "leen Nude: Relying
upon the sexually mature appearance
of the youngster to legitimize the
(now-illegal) sexual exploitation of an
underage youth, Playboy knowingly
used this nude photo of Nastassja
Kinski at 17 years of age. The use of

voluntarily nude young ‘actresses’ fut
ther undermines the sensitivity of read-
ers regarding the capability of young
persons. such as 15-year-old Penthouse
Pet Tracy Lords, to give consent to thei
irreversible appearance in public
sex displays. The Attorney General's
pending legislation will require a 91-
year-age-of-consent for nude/sex
models.

Ifthe use of the picture is now illegal.
then Reisman has broken the law in in-
cluding it in her collection of Playboy's
емем hits.
pearances in public sex displays" were
the first step in what the rest of us rec-
ognize as excellent acting in a fine
movie career, She certainly
has no regrets and has sul-
fered no harm from on-
screen. nud But then,
Reisman doesn't go to the
movies much, or she might
have recognized the follow-
ing:

“Peeping: An ostensibly
natural, ‘private’ scene of
two nude youths in love pro-
vides public entertainment
for Playboy viewers. This
may be said to undermine
the sensitivity of readers
garding the ri
dren vo anain their maj
before giving consent to sex
displays. These two. young-
sters are seen as under 18.
"The 21-year age of consent is
meant to provide youth with
an opportunity 10 mature
prior to being legally acccpt-
able as at-risk nude sex ob-
jects. That is, such models
serve, irrevel a stim-
ulus to the imaginations and
possible behaviors of some
portions of the public.”
le behaviors?
ng in the balcony of
your local movie theater?
Overdosing on popcorn?
The photo is a still from a
movie called Friends — about
teenagers coming of age
and falling in love. It w
partof a 1971 Sex in Cinema
feature that explored. the
pendulum effect, the degree ol permis
siveness that was sweeping American
cinema. The Reisman report includes
several other charges that we use Sex in
Cinema
porn from overseas. This r
teresting ethical paradox: If the image
tself is toxic, then it should not be in-
cluded in any form. Or is Reisman say
ing that you can show such images only
within the proper ideological frame-

cap

ja's “irreversible a

is a vehicle for show

work? That the only people who can
use images of youth are scientists, or
feminists, or right-wingers? In most
states. age-of-consent laws allow anyone
who is 16 to have sex Why should it be
gainst rhe law to appear nude before
mera for five years after that?
There is a demented lechery an ob-
session with the images that is unique to.
the censor Reisman fondles the car-
toons and then launches into perverse
fantasies of penetration and harm.
Consider her directions to the viewer of

а Ffolkes cartoon:

“The “eddy cartoon is a full-
page color image describing a sexual
scene between a female child and a

“Since the exaggerated breasts deliberately
confuse the readers age evaluation, place your
finger over the budding breast ta determine the
halistic age information provided.”

THE EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

male adult. . . . Ffolkes typically draws
this child in his cartoons
seven to eight years, eyes
which occupy nearly half of the face.
an unformed nose and Cupid’s-bow
mouth. But for the exaggerated breast
development, her polka-dot hair bow
nd yellow curls complete an unam-
biguous preschool look. Since the exap-
gerated breasts. deliberately confuse
the readers age evaluation, place your

Implied Incest (3/72, p. 163)”

finger over the budding breast to deter-
mine the holistic age information pro-
vided. Reality is in contrast to the
Ffolkes humor mythology. For should a
child of this age be penetrated by the
sex organ of such an adult male, the
child would commonly sustain sig-
nificant, often permanent physical (as
well as emotional) trauma.

We wont bother with an involved de-
fense of the Ffolkes cartoon. A man
can enjoy gallows humor without be-
ing in favor of capital punishment, or
relish the Readers Digest Humor in
Uniform without being a warmonger
Only someone willing to fondle the
budding breasts of a cartoon image
would see it as an endorse-
ment of child sexual abuse.
But Reisman claims that
Playboy a tes sex and
violence by running an arti
cle on, say, organized
or war in the same 300- page
magazine as à pictorial on
lingerie. In contrast, she as-
sociates sex and violence, in
the space of a paragraph, d
recting the reader's fanta
to the morbid, actively invit-
ng viewer participation
throughout the report

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION,

Reisman told a radio
terviewer, “You can go look
at the scientific data ull
you're blue in the face, and
we will come up with differ-
em Kinds of things. The
data convinces some people
that there is a relationship:
the data convinces other

people that there is not

Contemporary scientists
very easily will tell you that
we no longer sce things in
terms of If you drop. the
pencil on the floor, thats the
cause and that is the ейесі
We talk about correlation:
we talk about the relation
ships between events, and
that’s sufficient.”
orrelation is not cause
it sul-
wants you
e images
r in the
That is

to believe that because there
in the magazine, and beha

of science that led Asians го hell
that if they consumed the he
os, it would serve as an aphro-
disiac. That belief has led to the en-
dangerment of the rhino: Reismans
magical thinking has put mens m
zines on the — (concluded on page 52)

rhinoc

N E W

S F R

O N T

whats happening in the sexual and social arenas

59—10 UP AND AWAY

The Government’ latest drug-smug-
gling detector, a blinplike balloon, looms
10,000 feet aver the Arizona horizon and
costs taxpayers $18,000,000. Их purpose
is to track airplanes near the Mexican hor-
derthat evade regular radar by flying low It

has thus far apprehended two drug-carry
ing planes.

The Air Force, using 5179.000,000
AWAGS surveillance planes for the same
purpose, caught two drug smugglers in
1987 and nane in the first three months of
1988. The planes cost S304000,000. per
year to fly.

Meanwhile, American military persow
nel in Panama are suspected of bringing
more than 1000 pounds of cocaine into
the United States each year aboard mili
lary transport planes and through the
Armed Forces postal seri

THE GAMBLING HORMONE

Compulsive gambling may have a bie

logical basis and may be medically treat-
able, according to a study by Dr. Alec Roy
published in Archives ol General Psychi-
aury. Dr. Rey found that the spinal fluid
and urine of chronic gamblers shawed evi-
dence of significantly higher levels of nor-
epinephrine. a hormone that increases
blood pressure, heart rate and the rate and
depth of breathing and is normally re
leased under “fight or flight” conditions.
Thus, gambling may supply the risk take
ing behavior needed by a person with an
abnormal secretion of the hormone, The

study also found that more than 70 per
cent of the gamblers studied mel the diag-
nostic criteria for severe depression and
that there was a high medence of depres-
sion and alcoholism in their families.

NAZI STUDIES

маху oris Despite: qualms, eriti-
сот and controversy, the director of the
University of Minnesotas hypothermia-
research laboratory plans to analyze and
publish the results of Nazi studies on hu-
man freezing. In their experiments, Nazi
doctors submerged Dachau prisoners in
vats of freezing liquid, which often killed
the subjects. The decision to use the data
has split the Jewish and the medical-ethics
communities. Some oppose the use of any
Nazi research because they believe it
would legitimize evil; others contend that
the research could save lives in the future
but believe that the study should be dedi-
cated to those wha died. The experiments
were originally conducted to benefit Ger
man fliers shot down over the ven.

onesie well-
publisher was convicted under Canada
unique law against “spreading false
news” for “willfully” publishing material
he knee was untrue and that was “likely

non anti-Semitic

to canse injury or mischief to a public
interest.” The publisher distributed a tract
that claimed that the Holocaust had never
happened.

A REVOLTING DEVELOPMENT

А TWA decision to ban
smoking on a six-hour Boston—Los Angr-
les flight was not accepted willingly by
duzens of smokers who got word of the ban
just before take-off, One passenger said,
"There were probably 30 or 40 smokers,
and they came unglued.” Once the plane
was in the ай, “everybody lit up" The pi
Tot called for police to meet the plane in
Los Angeles. Three passenger, taken into
custody far questioning. accused a flight
attendant of “grabbing, lunging und
striking” one of them and they filed a
Jalsc-arrest suit. against the airline for
$10,000,000.

LING DETECTORS

wissen. ne —President Reagan
recently signed mto law a bill limiting the
use of lie detector tests by private employ-
ers. Although the legislation will reduce

LOS ANGELES

the 2,000,000 tests given each year by 80
percent, al still allows Government testing
and private testing m some cases.

HOMOPHOBIA

According to "Sexuality
newsletter on human sexuality,
West Virginia are keeping lists of "iden:
tified homosexuals’ The purported pur-
pose of the lists is to have names readily
available for tracking down child abusers.
The newsletter comments, “Once agam,
one sees the mentality revealed in which
homosexual males are falsely wen as pedo-
philes, rather than the reality, most pedo-
philes are heterosexuals. Those uho are
antigay refuse to admit thal it is male-
adult characteristics that homosexual men
find sexually stimulating.”

OBSCENE LEGISLATION

BATON onen an attempt to live up
to the letter if not the spirit of the First
Amendment, state legislators approved

the following bill: 7:
ate а motor vehicle upon a public road or
highway in the state of Louisiana when
that motor vehicle displays, whether by
sticker, sign or painting, any of the follow.
ing words that are lettered or written ma
type or size greater than one eighth of an
inch in height or width: (1) shit, (2) fuck,
(3) cunt, (4) (5), (5) piss, (6) cocksucker
and (7) any other word that is a com-
pound ov combination of any of these.”
The bill is an attempt to effectively ban ob-
scone bumper stickers.

R E

E R

AIDS FEARS
Until experts can be positive
about how people contract
AIDS, our fears arc realistic
Masters and Johnson (“Unreal-
istic Fear,” The Playboy Forum,
July) based their findings on
scientific studies; they should
be taken seriously.
Harvey Pearson
Los Angeles, Calilornia

Trying to stop the spread of
AIDS is like trying to stop an ava-
lanche that has already started.

Donald J. Aldrich
Fair Oaks, California

I've always assumed that the
risk of AIDS 10 heterosexuals
was exaggerated in order to
spur efforts to take this largely
homosexual and drug-user dis-
ease seriously. Now, however.
there seems to be an all-out
campaign against publicizing
any risk to heterosexuals—even
the risks from blood and blood-
component transfusions. Is the
risk of AIDS to heterosexuals
being underreported, perhaps
out of fear that there will be a

NO MICKEY MOUSE VENTURE

"If Disney can build majestic amusement. parks
around the world to tell the story of a make-believe
mouse, just think what we can do with Je:

мю, WILCOX. insurance salesman, promoting the
ind-a-half-billion-dollar,
25,000-acre replica of the Holy Land in west

construction of a tw

Texas

Christ."

homosexual backlash?
Norman Hi
Ridgecrest,

lifornia

1 represent a man who, along with a
codefendant, is charged with the murder
of a prominent physician im Jackson,
Mississippi. The codefendant is a homo-
sexual diagnosed as a carrier of the
AIDS virus. The legal issue for my client
is guilt by association, but there ts a social
issue as well—AIDS by association.

When the press reported that the
codefendant was infected with the AIDS
virus and that the murder might have
been homosexually related, hyste
invaded the jail and the courthou
Rubber-gloved deputies escorted
client—who has not been diagnosed a
having the AIDS virus—to a separate
part of the jail, where he has been denied
medical care and visitation rights. Ap-
parently, t people now think that
Т have been infected with AIDS—Irom
breathing the same air and shaking the
hand of my client.

Jim Fraiser
Jackson, Ми

Lam appalled by some of your articles
оп AIDS. It is irresponsible lor people to
rely on the fact that the odds of not ge
ng AIDS are in their favor and to con-
tinue to lead sexually promiscuous lives.
Life is a risky business and we must all
take some risks, but if we get AIDS, we
die—and that's a risk too big to take.

John Shearing
Porterville, California

Face it: You are going to die. You may
lead a boring. fearful, responsible life well
into your SOs before vou die, but you will
Ше What happens before that time is large-
ly dictated by personal choice. We believe
that it is our right to choose the risks in our
lives, We feel that our position is responsi
ble: we are not about to follow the first
prophet of doom who comes along waving a
headline about death. Look at it this way:
Automobiles kill more people in one year
than AIDS has claimed in seven years, We
can look. at automobile-fatality statisties
and learn certain useful things, as well as
сенат irrelevant things. For example, if
most fatalities occur al intersections, what
do we do? Esther we still өтпе and avoid.
intersections ar we redesign the intersec-
lions to be safer and use extra caution when

approaching them. Or we adopt
your approach and simply give
up driving, We believe that stat-
ing the odds of geting AIDS
gives people а sense of where to
place their concern. We have dis-
cussed safe sex, that is, putting
up buckle your condom signs,
and putting up signs for IV-
drug use. Thats as far as we are
prepared to go.

PLAYBOY CONTRIBUTES

Іп 1982—pre-AIDS aware-
ness—Playboy conducted а
readers’ sex survey (The Playboy
Readers Sex Survey. fam
ary—October 1983). More u
100,000 — readers responded
The survey told us a great deal
about the sexual behavior of a
certain segment of society. Now,
in the era of AIDS, it takes on a
ing. Because of the
nd diversity of the re-
spondents, large subsamples of
people whose sexual behavior
places them at risk for the
AIDS virus are available for
coser scrutiny. In the survey,
86 males described. them-
selves as bisexual; 4676 men
described themselves as het-
erosexual with adult homosex-
13733 males had visited
a prostitute in the preceding five years:
7194 males and 1492 females had had a
sexually transmitted disease in the pre-
ceding five years; 9! males and 1941
females had had regular anal sex and
17003 males and 2986 females had had
25 or more partners in a lifetime

Recently, the American Foun: n for
AIDS Research allocated funding to The
Rand Corporation for an expanded sci-
fic analy Because
current epidemiological projections for
AIDS are based on 40-year-old data from
the Kinsey report, Playboy's findings will
be extremely useful for understanding
sexual-behavior patterns th:
tant to the future course of AIDS.

Thank you for your generous support
and cooperation.

Janet Lever, Ph.D.

Policy Carcer Development Fellow

ual expe

of the surve

tion

PLANNED PARENTHOOD
Inplanned vs Planned Par
* (The Playboy Forum, June), Y
Robertson argues that Margaret

|. — — HurLYITI

R E 5

P O

Ы S -E

the founder of Planned Parenthood, was
a proponent of eugenics. 1 say, Who
cares? For no matter how it started,
Planned Parenthood has evolved into an
admirable organization. One of its adver-
using campaigns has the slogan “Every
child a wanted child, every won
healthy woman. Thats Planned
hoods goal.” Who can argue with that?
C. J. Henderson
Anoka, Minnesota

OPEN WIDE
Preliminary studies on. human saliva
ad that il deactivates the AIDS vi
Experiments conducted at the Natio
Institute of Dental Research indicate that
the HIV virus does not attack Iympho-

type of white blood cell. in the
с of saliva. That supports cpi-
demiological evidence that AIDS is not
transmitted by Kissing or by other con-
tact with saliva.

E J. Crawford
Chauanooga, ‘Tennessee

CHASTITY WEEK?
› alert your readers to a possi-
ble foul п ient afoot. A World Health
Organization delegate from Uganda
suggests that WHO could raise public
awareness ol AIDS by declaring an
international week of sexual abstinence.
He acknowledged that по might be
си to get other delegates to agree to
the proclamation but said that the agency

I want

кім consider proposing it "on a volun
Help!

г
tar y basis

E. Bennett
New York, New York

CONDOMS ON THE AIRWAVES

Tele re finally
putting condom advertisements on the
air—though. most of them are public-
about AIDS.
шумер
ms and 76 percent of
d
»ouncements i

on and radio st

сет ol
radio sta
lic-service ai

percent of TY stations and 18 percent of
radio stations accept condom ads.
| Matthews

BANNED BOOKS WEEK

CELEBRATING THE FREEDOM TO READ

Freedom of speech is continuously under
siege by those who want to restrict what olh-
ers read. Banned Books Week, sponsored by
booksellers, librarians and others, reminds us,
“it is only when all speech is protected for all
citizensthat everyone's rights are guaranteed."

REISMAN REVISITED

(continued from page 48)
ed-species list.
man would like to know
on really works. A Senate
subcommittee investigating child poi
ography and pedophilia found th:
“those who seek frequent contact with
children, and either have по crimi
al record or believe и would not be
discovered, may find employment as
day-care-center workers, recreation di
rectors, video-arcade managers, litt
league coach scout leaders, Bi
Brothers, schoolteachers or in a host of
other occupations where children are
present. In a study of 40 pedophile
ases by FBI special agent Kenneth
Lanning and Dr. Ann Burgess, almost
hall of the offenders used their occupa
ег children."
man used to write chil
dren's songs lor Captain Kangaroo. Uf
one used Reismans idea of correlation
there would be a 50 percent chance that.
she is a pedopl
The same Senate report said that “it
is not unusual for pedophiles to possess
collections containing several thousand
photographs, slides, lilms, video tapes
and magazines depicting nude children

dren, with adults and even with ani-
mals. . . In many cases, police ha
discovered extensive collections care-

"Reisman's magical
thinking has put men's
magazines on the
dangered-species list.

fully indexed, often on home compu
. by age of children, origin of ih
material and type of sexual activities
performed. A man in Austin, Texas,
alyzed an entire collection of the
child-pornography magazines by the
emotions shown on the childrens
faces—boredom, pleasure, pain, ctc."
Fact: Re

of magazines. She has them indexed
and analyzed. Like the pedophiles de-
scribed by the FBI, her collection re-
lates to children in “either а sexual.
scientific or social way: The mainte-
nance and growth of their collections
becomes one of the most important
things in their life. . .. They may hide
their collections, move them or even
give them to other pedophiles, but they
almost never destroy them.” Reisman
has something in common with most
pedophiles, except that she got the

ernment to pay for satisfying her obses-
sion
Reisman frequently uses the phrase

associated with. Lers see what her re-
port is associated with. Wildmon sends
the report to antiporn gra What
kind of people join antiporn groups?

In Utah, one of the leading antipe
crusaders faces charges for sexi
abusing an HH-vear-old girl who worked
for him as a housekeeper. Is partici

tion in those groups just a front?
Were not saying that Rei wa
pedophile or a child molester. We are
saying, as she does repeatedly alter
making the most outrageous charges,
This needs further research.
AMES KR

'ELERSEN

an has a large collection

АЛЫ 2

You have to sympathize with the
guy Representative William |
Hughes, chairman of the House Judi-
ciary Subcommittee on Crime. has on
his desk H.R. 3889, The Child Pro-
tection and Obscenity Enforcement
Act of 1988—a bill that, in spite of its
name, would do liule to protect chil-
dren buta great deal to limit freedom.
of expression (sec "No Laughing
Matter: The Reagan War on Obsceni-
ty” The Playboy Forum, June),

Hughes also has on his desk wa
answering machines to handle the
flood of phone calls from people ask-
ing him to expedite passage of the
bill. Now, the average citizen doesn't
even know who Hughes is, let alone
that he's chairman of the House Judi-
ciary Subcommittee on Crime. 50
why all the calls? Because the Rever-
end Donald Wildmon, founder of the
Nauonal Federation for Decency, now
known as the American Family Asso-
dation, decided that Hughes was si

glehandedly holding up passage of
bill that would give Wildmon a hunt-
ing license on all erotica. He asked
the little old ladies in his decency
groups to call Hughes. The resul?
Ten thousand phone calls to Hughes's
office and Iwo new swering:
machines—purchased by Hughes's
stafl—with the message “Thank you
lor calling. There's no need to leave a
message. Your call is being counted
automatically.” Hughes finally wrote
to Wildmon, asking him to call off
the phone calls: “Perhaps you be-
lieve that a Congressional office looks
like Home Shopping Network, with
dozens of operators sitting. before.
computer terminals ready and able to
take messages."

But Wildmon was on the warpath,
Mounting the bully pulpi, he
charged that agents of the rich and.
powerful pornography industry vere
'orously opposing the bill and that
they were winning.

Who are those agents? Edward
Murrow, president of the American
Booksellers Association: George
Klein, a former chairman of the
Council for Periodical Distributors
Associations; Barry Lynn of the
American Civil Liberties Union; and
Heather Florence, former chairman
of the Association of American Pub-
lishers Freedom to Read Committee.
Florence testified before Ше subcom-
mittee that “this bill is frighten-
ing. . . + H enacted, it would have a
devastating impact on the availability
of a whole range of nonobscene read-
ing materials to the general public in
small towns and big cities throughout
the country.”

Defeat of this bill is important, You
may want to write to your Congress-
man and ask him to vote for the First
Amendment by voting against Н.К.
3889.

Just don't call Hughes.

PLAYBOY

EILTERS

—16mg "af, 12 mg тісіне àv per cigarette by FTC
EHI NA +

metod

Coen

«wr мам ROGER CRAIG

а candid conversation about pitching, hitting and winning (thanks to
the mystical “humm baby”) with the savviest manager west of the pecos

He was a born scrapper and a dead ringer
for Lyndon Johnson, and, like L.B.J., he is
one crafiy gamer. Roger Craig’ game is base-
ball, and he's living proof that the baseball
gods didn’t break the mold when they created
Casey Stengel. When Craig was hired to
manage the San Francisco Giants in the
waning days of the 1985 baseball season, it
was as if Caseys hapless early Mets were
reborn. The Giants lost 100 games that year,
the first time that ignominious distinction
was achieved in the history of the franchise in
both New York and San Francisco.

At season's end, Craig let it be known that
the disaster would not repeat, that wamwork
in the front office and on the field would ush
er in а new era, "Things will change a lot
around here,” he announced.

They did.

While the Giants didn't set the world on
fire in 1986, they did finish above the 500
mark—they were, at least, winners again.
But in 1987, they became real winners, con-
founding the experts by grabbing the Nation-
al League Western Division championship,
winning 90 games in all.

“Humm Baby" Craigs motto for win
ners—a chant used to ignite teammates and
fans in the years before electronic scoreboards
flashed applause signs—became the team

“I'd like to say something about umpires.
They should be in better shape. A lot of these
guys are simply way loo overweight. Blimps.
A lot of games are lost because some lazy um-
pires can't cover their turf”

theme, and San Francisco fans went wild
with it. Humm Baby became the name of the
gume around San Francisco Bay.

The Giants came within a hairsbreadth of
winning the National League pennant, los-
ing a heartbreaker іп the seventh game of the
play-offs against the St. Louis Cardinals. But
Craig had proved what he'd set out to prove
about managing the team, a cracker-barrel
philosophy that virtually plagiarizes the “Boy
Scout Handbook” on attitude: Do your best
and be prepared.

“I don't know а smarter baseball man in
the game today,” says Sparky Anderson, his
Jormer boss and the Detroit Tigers! manager,
who knows a thing or two about the game.
“Nobody works better with his pitchers than
Roger. He knows how to inspire.”

Adds Tigers Hall of Fame radio announc-
er Ernie Harwell, “Roger was born to man-
age. because hes such a great observer of the
Little things that add up to the big things that
win ball games. And his players trust him, be-
cause they know he's honest. Lots of managers
get carried away with wild opli
mism for public consumption. Roger doesn't
gel caught up in that hype. He knows what it
means to win and to lose.”

Craig has certainly seen his shave of both.
He was born in 1931 and grew up in

“It used to be just chatter—‘Humm Baby; to
encourage your team. It was amazin’ to me
when it caught on. Now ИУ beyond baseball —
it's guys who put өші 200 percent. ‘Course, a
Humm Baby can also be a pretty girl.”

Durham, North Carolina, one of ten chil-
dren. He began playing stickball in pickup
games before he learned to read and write,
thanks to the encouragement of his father, a
shoe salesman. Hed developed a smoking
fastball by the time he was a teenager and
was the star pitcher for his high school team.
He was also a fine basketball player (at 6'4",
he was tall for the basketball standards of the
late Forties), and he landed a basketball
scholarship to North Carolina State Universi-
ty He gave И up after a years try—“T just
had to get back to baseball, go back to the
mound and pitch,” he says.

A local scout from the Brooklyn Dodgers
organization saw him pitch and signed him
up. He started out deep in the minor leagues,
making steady progress until the Korean War
intervened and he was drafted. The only com-
bat he saw was on the baseball field—the
brass figured his shills were more useful on
the mound than in the trenches.

During his Army stint, Craig severely in-
jured his pitching arm, Recalled to active
duty by the Dodgers organization, he learned
10 pitch with pain, hiding his injury until he
was forced to confess to the team doctor. The
arm healed gradually but not complete

In 1955, he was summoned to the "bigs" —
the major leagues—and in the first

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOHN ALLEN

“There are some great women athletes, but
baseball is different from other sports—its so
skilled. 1 don't think women have the overall
ability it takes to be a great player. Guys and
gals are different.”

PLAYBOY

majorleague game he ever saw, he pitched
for the Dodgers and won. He went on to win
a crucial game in that years world series
against Casey Stengels fubled New York Yan-
kees, the first time the Brooklyn Bums had
ever beaten the Bronx Bombers in a series.
Craig was also the pitcher who, in 1957,
started the Bums’ last game in Brooklyn. The
Dodgers’ owner, Walter O'Malley, had decid-
ed to move the team to Los Angeles.

Craigs injured arm continued to plague
him after the Dodgers went Hollywood, and
he seesawed back and forth between the mi-
nors and the majors over Ihe next few years.
In the minors, he learned to be more of a
finesse pitcher than a hard thrower —his fast-
ball had abandoned him—but he came back
for three successful years with the Los Angeles
Dodgers.

Sull, he was left unprotected in the draft
when the National League expanded in
1962. Stengel, cast off by the Yankees and
hired to manage the newly formed New York
Mets, signed Craig up. And that was how he
also started on opening day for the immortal-
ly terrible Mets. Craig became a national
hard-luck hero that year: the first National
League pitcher since 1935 to lose 24 games.
Along the way, he also won ten games, mak-
ing him the winningest pitcher for a team
that won all of 40 games that year.

He went from loser to winner again when
the Mets waded him to the St. Louis Cardi-
nals in 1964, where he helped a come-from-
behind team win the National League
pennant and the world series. Stilt, his days
as а picher were numbered —his arm was
simply giving out on him. When he was re-
leased by Philadelphia at the end of the 1966
season, Craig decided to move on to the man-
agement side of baseball—he had, after all,
picked up a few hints about the sport during
his playing years.

He again slummed around the minors, this
time as a manager and a coach, and then
made his big-league comeback as a pitching
coach for the San Diego Padres and, later, the
Houston Astros. His major-league manageri-
al dream came true in 1978, when he was
hired to run the San Diego Padres, the late
McDonalds tycoon Ray Kroc’ only business
outside the world of fast food. Kroc wanted a
fast winner, and Craig gave him one. In
1979, however, injuries decimated the Padres
and he was fired at the end of the season

Recovery came quickly. Sparky Anderson
had just been fired by the Cincinnati Reds
and was snapped up by the Tigers, a mori-
bund team at the time. He called up his old
buddy Craig and made him the Detroit pitch-
ing coach. Over the next five years, the Tigers
did an about-face; in 1984, the team won the
world series ogainst—guess who? Ше San
Diego Padres.

The victory, a sweet one for Craig, earned
him the distinction of being the first man in
baseball history to put five world-series dia-
mond rings from both leagues on his fingers.
And while he was at Detroit, he laid claim to
something of even greater historical sig-
nificance: the fearsome split-fingered fastball.
Craig didn't invent it—the Cubs’ ace reliever

Bruce Sutter had already mastered it—but
he found a way to show pitchers how to throw
it. The pitch looks like a regular fastball, but
if thrown right, it takes a wicked drop when it
reaches the plate and is simply unhittable.
The Tigers’ Jack Morris, the winningest
pitcher of the Eighties, credits Craigs teach-
ing with his longevity on the mound. Mike
Scott, a formerly mediocre pitcher for the
Houston Astros, won the Cy Young Award in
1986 after Craig taught him the pitch. It is
unquestionably the hottest pitch in the game
today, a baseball institution that has Roger
Craig’ trademark stitched on the seams.

Craig retired from active coaching after
the 1984 Tigers blowout—he still did some
scouting, but he'd decided he'd rather ride his
horses home on the range at his ranch in the
high chaparral of Warner Springs, Califor-
nia, a 40-acre spread near the Mexican bor-
der. He was coaxed out of retirement by San
Francisco Giants owner Bob Lurie, who of-
fered him another shot at a few more world-
series rings.

Craig, who has seen it all, played and
managed with and against the best ballplay-
ers of a generation, and 1988 marks his 39th
year in professional baseball. Playboy sent
free-lance writer Ken Kelley to Craigs Humm
Baby Ranch. Kelleys report:

“You follow the sunset and hope for the best

“РИ tell you this: My
wife says I’m the worst
manager in baseball, because
I dont go out and argue
enough with the umpires.”

when you round the hairpin curves that lead
to Roger Craig‘ lair, a menagerie of horses,
dogs, hoot owls, bobcats and one sly fox—
Roger Craig, the man himself He greets you
with a fine Carolina twang— How ya dom,
bahdnah?'—as he tugs on his mangy ranch
hat in front of the log stump that says in loud
orange letters, HUMM BABY RANCH.

“Over the course of a week, we spent three
hours a day ruminating on his baseball
know-how, past, present and future, Because
of his history, Craig has a unique insight into
the game, which, when you can draw him out,
he imparts with great passion.

“Some of the best conversation took place
when I had to compete with his horses and his
hound dogs—he'd kind of talk to all of us at
once—I didn't really know whom he thought
he was talking to, but it didn't matter: He'd
lean back, pull on a bottle of brew and just,
well, speak his mind in the down-home, good-
ol'-boy fashion that’s made him a favorite with
his fellow players and the guys he has coached
and managed. Theres nothing phony about
this guy, and the more you talk with him, the
more you realize il

“My favorite moment came when he
walked me over to a wall of Cyclone fence,

where smack-dab in the middle is a shooting
target. Not for guns—for arms. Их the prop
he has used for years lo teach pitchers how to
throw the split-fingered fastball, well worn
from the warfare its seen. As we walked away,
he turned back and looked at it again. ‘Yep;
he said with an understated satisfaction,
‘once you get on target, you've made it.’ He
should know.”

CRAIG: So you wanna know about baseball,
Mr. Playboy? It's a very simple game, real.
ly—all about balls and strikes. Ask me
about balls and strikes.

PLAYBOY: What kind of balls does it take to
bea manager?

CRAIG: [Laughs] That's a bit more com-
plex—we can get into that later, but I'll tell
you this: My wife says I'm the worst man-
ager in baseball.

enough with the umpires, the guys who
call the balls and strikes.

PLAYBOY: Is she right?

CRAIG: | dont argue over every little thing
the way Earl Weaver did. But when 1 go
out there, the umpires respect me, because

they know I'm not just tryin’ to show ‘em
up. Umpires are very sensitive about that
If you go out there three or four times a
game, you're gettin’ the fans on 'em—they
dont like it. They hate grandstanding,
when you go out there wav
around. ГЇЇ never forget one game where I
went out fussin’ and freuin over a play and
the ump says to me, "Domt wave your
hands like that.” Next inning, I went out
my hands clasped behind my back,
ike I was in handcuffs. He cracked up
laughin: He says, "OK, I know you've gotta
protect your players, so Fm gonna give you
one minute, then get your butt outa here.”
So we talked about golf.
PLAYBOY: What docs protecting your play-
ers ıncan?
CRAIG: When, say, you've lost three games
in а row and things sccm to be goin’ all the
wrong way, you pick a strategic spot and go
ош and fuss. It wakes your players up, gets
‘em more emotionally and intensely in-
volved in the ball game.
PLAYBOY: So it's all a charade?
CRAIG: Look, if 1 think I'm right about
somethin} I'll go out and argue my butt off.
I know arguing won't change the decision;
but the next time a close play comes up, the
umps know they're gonna make damn
sure they call it right, because I'm out
there watchin’ everything they do.
PLAYBOY: So going after the umpires is a
tactical nove?
CRAIG: I don't do it the way Pete Rose,
Martin and Sparky Anderson do
go out there to intimidate, especially a
hoping that, next time
around, the call will go their way Some-
sometimes it boomerangs.
You get on an umpire enough, a close call
will go against you

But I'd like this chance to say something
very important about umpires: They

should be in better shape. A lot of these
guys are simply шау too overweight.
Blimps. A lot of games are lost because
some lazy umpires cant cover their turf—
they're too out of shape.

PLAYBOY: That remark wont exactly endear
you to the umpıres.

CRAIG: | dont care. 15 just true. Ballpl:
ers have to stay in shape; so should they.
PLAYBOY: When a manager gets thrown out
of a game after he disputes an umpire's de-
cision, he's not allowed to be a part of the
game anymore. But it's baseball's dirty lit-
tle secret that you can still manage from
the clubhouse, isnt it?

CRAIG: From anywhere. You can go down
into the clubhouse, or the runway, and
manage a game from there. The umpires
know it, but there's nothin’ they can do.
And these days, you've got these remote
telephones, all those walkie-talkies. If you
walk into the clubhouse and you're watch-
ing a game, all you gotta do is call down to
your replacement manager and say, “Hey

do this, do that.”

PLAYBOY: Which is illegal

CRAIG: Technically, yeah

PLAYBOY: But common practice?

CRAIG: Let's just say Гуе known it to hap-
pen on occasion.

PLAYBOY: A major issue this year has been
the enormous increase in the number of
alks being called.

CRAIG: Yeah, we've lost a few games be-
cause of it. I know about balks—the first
run scored against the New York Mets, I
balked the guy home. I think its more
of an American League problem. In the
National League, I think the umpires are
kinda slackin off a bit.

PLAYBOY: Whitey Herzog takes credit lor
having made the change. He says he com-
plained so much about what he thought
were balks in last years world serie:
CRAIG: I didn't really follow the world se
ries after we didn't make it; but Whitey can
say what he wants. I just think the umpires
should be consistent: They all should call

them or they should go back to normal. It's
kinda crazy—you've got one crew of um-
pires never call a balk, and then another
crew who are like eagle scouts. Most times,
it's one eagle scout who'll call your ass for a
balk. I think so much fuss has been made
about balks because American League
umpires haven't been following the rules,
and its makin’ the umpires more careful.
It will also make the pitchers more careful.
But everything levels out in this sport, and
in the end, after all the steam blows off, wll
still be the same game.

PLAYBOY: Speaking of umpires, do you
think there will ever be a woman umpire
in the major leagues—and should there be?
CRAIG: You're bringing that up because
of—what’s her name?

PLAYBOY: Pamela Postema, who has spent
years making her way to the top level of
the minors. This year, she was turned
down again for a job in the majors.
CRAIG: Yeah, I've seen her work, and she's
not a bad umpire. Will there ever be one? I

for dinner at eight?"
She saíd, fíngers
"running through his hair. . .

PLAYBOY

don't know. But should there be a woman
umpire in the majors? My answer is no,
and EN tell you why. The abuse you
take as an umpire is terrible,
don't think women should have to take that
kind of abuse.
PLAYBOY: But why should she be denied a
chance because she's a woman?
CRAIG: I just don't think women should be
umpires, period. I have three daughters
and Га hate for any of them to be out there
listenin’ to all the swearin and stuff—I'd
kill any player who ever called a daughter
of mine the names I've been called by um-
pires and the names I've called ther
PLAYBOY: But Postema isa professional. She
is not one of your daughters—she's out
there trying to make a living at what she
does best.
CRAIG: I know, and I don't think she should
be denied a shot at the majors because she's
a woman. I just don't happen to be in favor
of it. I guess I'm old-fashioned.
PLAYBOY: Taking it one step further—do
you think there will ever be a woman pla
er in the major leagues?
CRAIG: No. There are some great women
athletes, but baseball is diflerent from oth-
er sports. so skilled. | don't think wom-
en have the over-all ability it takes to be a
great player. І could never envision a wom-
an pitcher throwing a baseball at 95 miles
per hour. I don't think its possible for a
woman to hit a ball 450 feet out of the
park. You might see a woman who can run
fast, catch the ball. all of that, but you're
not gonna sec the power it takes to com-
pete. That's just the way it is. Pm nol putti
down women by saying that. I love the fact
that women e T love my wife and I love
my daughters; but guys and gals are just
different when it comes to baseball.
PLAYBOY: If you ever found a woman who
could do it all, would you sign her up?
CRAIG: Only if shed be my roomie
(laughs). 1 really didn't Don't tell
my wife; it's just a joke. I've been married
to her for a few decades now, and I mean
this: Without her support, I wouldn't even
be talkin’ with you here now.
PLAYBOY: Since we're on the subject
does sex on the road today comp
what went on in your playing das
CRAIG: | knew you'd ask me that. There are
a lot of answers to that, but let me give you
i Just after l'd signed on to

steady girlfriends of the team members ac-
company them on some road trips at the
Giants’ expense. The idea was that every-
thing would be up front, that the guys
wouldn't have to be ou
en, that their performance on the field
would improve and the team would be bet-
ter for it, because we were makin! it casy
for 'em, they'd be relaxed.

PLAYBOY: Did it work out?

there cl n wom-

The gals wanted to go shopping all
ne. And some of the married guys
got worried that their wives would find out
about their activities on the road. It got to
be a real nuisance, so we dropped it.
PLAYBOY: How did that noble experiment.
affect the performance of your players?
CRAIG: Of course, I can't judge their hotel
performance, but on the field, the per-
formance didnt improve a whole lot. 1
think itimproved my performanceasaman-
ager, though, because I love having my
wife with me. I take her along with me
any time she wants to go, and it sure makes
up for all the days of the minor-league
crap of movin’ from town to town with a
moments notice. But do me a favor now
and ask me a real baseball question.
PLAYBOY: All right. What do you think your
most memorable legacy to baseball will be?
CRAIG: Shoot, you had to start with the
hard one first. I don't really cross-examine
myself that much, but I know there are a
lot of things people will remember about
me... . I was the last pitcher for the Brook-
lyn Dodgers, and I was the first pitcher for
the New York Mets in 1962. I lost 18 games
a row under Casey Stengel that year, 16
of ‘em by one run. Imagine that. 1 also be-
ame, that year, the first pitcher in modern
ory to lose 24 games in a season.
PLAYBOY: That's not peanuts.

CRAIG: Yeah, and I also won ten games for
the Mets in 1962, which made me the win-
ningest pitcher on the team. [hats why
the New York Baseball Writers Association
awarded me the Casey Stengel Trophy last
year—it’s an after-the-fact recognition of
an accomplishment that wasn't rewarded
at the time. I went on to lose 46 games in
my two years with the Mets—that must be
some kind of record. I know Casey appre-
ciated me. And I guess I must have been
doin’ something right, because when the
Mets traded me to the Cardinals in 1963, 1
helped St. Louis win the 1964 pennant and
the world series—important game:

med Stengel. He has
been depicted as a splendid clown who
somehow managed winning teams despite
himself. Is that how you saw him?

CRAIG: No. The press tried to do that with
Yogi Berra, too—1 saw Yogi only when I
played against him in the world series, but
he was one of the craftiest catchers I ever
played against. As for Casey, he was just
about the smartest baseball man | ever had
the chance to play with and against. I think
media meanderings were a part of his
own elever way of distracting people from
takin’ him seriously, and, believe me, he
was always very serious about winnin' ball
games. He couldn't have been in the game
long as he was if he wasn't so smart.

He remembered so many little things
about you that he'd bring out in the oddest
moments. I was always so amazed by
him—he had total recall. Hi
were a part of the

genius—he loved runnin’ everybody
around in circles so much, but he didn't
miss a (hing. He could keep four conversa-
tions goin’ on at once, but he always knew
what was goin’ on, behind your back and
ahead of your brain.

He was a real formal guy, too—when I

worked for him with the Mets, he'd always
call me Mr. Craig. He'd come to the mound
and say, "Mr. Craig, 1 think that fellow up
at the plate there now needs to step back a
little bit, he's kind of crowdin' you, and you
should do something appropriate."
PLAYBOY: Meaning he wanted you to hit the
batter with the next pitch?
CRAIG: lt was just a suggestion that you
should be aware of what was goin’ on. You
always got the point. He was givin’ the
Casey Stengel hint. Brush ст back a bit.

Now: Ask me about the greatest player I

ever played against.

PLAYBOY: OK. Who was he?

CRAIG: Willie Mays. He could beat you in
so many ways. Tremendous power; he
could hit for average, he was a great defen-
sive player, he had a great arm, great base
stealer—he could just do everything. He
was the leader of the ball club.

PLAYBOY: It's different today, isn't it? You
have big-money guys with only one or two
of the skills of a Willie Mays.

CRAIG: You're right. It's all one-dimension-
al now. You find a guy who can hit, or a guy
who can throw, or a guy who can catch a
ball. but not do all of ет, and they're paid
big bucks. You cant even count on a cash
register how much a Willie Mays would be
worth these days. The same thing with
Mickey Mantle. | always admired his pow-
er from both sides of the plate—it was just
awesome. I didn't get to see him that much,
because he was in the American League,
but I do remember when I picked him off
at second base in the '56 world series. I met
up with him after the game and he said to
me, “How could you embarrass me in front
of those millions of people?" I just laughed
and said, “It’s my job."

PLAYBOY: How about the best pitchers
you've ever known?

CRAIG: Sandy Koufax was the best pitcher I
ever saw. He threw a little-bitty baseball—
we used to call ita ping-pong ball, beca
it looked so small comin’ up to the plate. 1
also played for the 64 St. Louis Cardinals
with Bob Gibson, and he was a tremendous
pitcher, a great fielding pitcher. He could
hit, he could run and he could throw hard.
Again, though, if the guys I played with
were in the market today—well, you just
cant measure it, moneywise. They'd be
worth millions I can't count.

PLAYBOY: One guy you played with who is
worth millions is Bob Uecker. His beer
commercials, his TV show and his books
all play up his buffoonery as a player. Was
he that bad?

CRAIG: Nope. That's just his showbiz, and I
applaud him for it. He had a great arm. He
could really call a good ball game. He

knew his pitchers. He makes a lot of money
by pretending he was bad—and good for
him. You know, Гуе watched his show, Mr
Belvedere, and it’s sorta funny, but not as
funny as he is in real life. 1 don’t think hed
make a great manager, though

PLAYBOY: What does it take to be a great
manager?

CRAIG: Its something you really can't dc-
scribe. Gene Mauch, who managed so
many teams and never went to the world
series, was a really great manager. When I
played for him, Га sit right next to him.
He'd say, “What the hell are you doin’
here? Get down to the bull pen.” ГА just

tell him, “I want to be here ШІ you ne

me." What I was really doin’ was listenin’
and watchin’ his face, his brains. I learned
a lot from him.

PLAYBOY: Billy Martin was fired for the
fifth time as the Yankees’ manager. How
does your managing style differ from his?
CRAIG: A long time ago, I thought Billy was
a great manager. Now I don't think so. My

style is different in that I don't take such an
explosive approach as he does with his
players. When [ have somethin’ to say to
my players, 1 doit man to man, in the club-
house—not in public, knockin’ ‘em in the
press. And I dont go out to bars to beat up
a marshmallow salesman or punch out a
guy who calls me a bad name.

Look, managing is the toughest job in
baseball, but it’s also the funnest if you let it
be. I've never had more fun than I have
now as manager of the San Francisco Gi-
ants. This is a team that three years ago
lost 100 games, the first time in the fran-
chise’s history, dating back to the New York

15. And last year we won the National

ion championship.

Thats real fun—winning is real fun. Being
the manager, being the guy in charge, be-
ing the one who's gonna get the blame or
the fame—it’s real excitement to me. Тһе
Giants made money last year for the first
time in years, and the team's advance ticket
sales reached the 1,300000 mark this

year—a milestone for this franchise. Im
lucky this time around.

PLAYBOY: You werent so lucky last time
around, when you managed for Ray Kroc,
the second owner of the San Diego Padrc:
In your first year with the Padres, you gave
the team its first winning season. Injuries
soured things a lot the next year and you
were fired.

CRAIG: That wasnt Mr. Kroc. It was his
son-in-law, Ballard Smith, who, by the way,
no longer works there. Yeah, I felt I was
treated unjustly, but, hell, that’s what this
game is all about. I don't go around carry-
in’ grudges, because grudges dont put
money in the bank. Baseball is a game of
chances, and you know that from the start,
if that’s the way you're gonna make your
living. And look what happened after 1 got
fired: Sparky Anderson called me up and
begged—maybe thats the wrong word—
asked me to be his pitching coach.

PLAYBOY: You were more than just Sparky's
pitching coach; you were his roommate

"[ have reservations
about our reservations,”
he replied devilishly...

PLAYBOY

in Detroit. What was that like?

CRAIG: You know, it's interesting that you
ask that, because I read your Playboy Inter-
view with him where he s; fter he lost a
game, he'd sit and stare at a wall, thinkin’
he'd never win another game. I had to con-
tinually pull out of iti—"Hey, Spark,
it's just another game, you'll win again,
well win again." That was a real task, the
part of the job you don't get paid for.
PLAYBOY: How did you talk him out of
those dark moods?

CRAIG: Dont tell him this: I told him that if
he thought that way, of course we'd lose ev-
ery ball game—forever. But, see, Spark
so intense that he has to hear it over and
over again. He'll always be troubled by any
kind of loss, no matter what.

(ou never feel the same fears;

Not the way Sparky does. 1 figure
that if you go out and inspire your players
to do their best—that's the best you can do.
If you lose, you lose. But my players know 1

want to win, and | judge accordingly.
PLAYBOY: Meaning?

CRAIG: I like fighters. Some guys come into
spring training just lookin’ for a job on a
wing and a prayer but show sheer determi-
nation—I like that. Guys who do wind
sprints when they don't have to, guys who
just are out there every day to prove they're
up to the job. See, that's what this sport is
all about—the underdog can become the
top dog if he works hard enough. And if
hard work don't pay off, as a regular player,
then a guy can still win a spot on the team,
because he has to be what they call utility.
I'll tell you this, utility is quite important in
this game.

PLAYBOY: Why?

CRAIG: Because keeping the “extras”
around always makes a difference. Having
а good bench is a crucial part of baseball,
one that's often ignored by the fans and
the sportswriters.

PLAYBOY: The right pinch hitter at the right
moment?

CRAIG: Not just pinch-hitting—on the field,
too, when you have to substitute. Look,
nd й% а hard job. You're
always try-
ing to adjust to a ball park you didn't grow
up in. You've got jet lag, vou just got in-
jured when vou tried to slide into second
base, you're blue because your stroke isn't
right if you're a hitter, and you're blue be-
cause your arm swing isn't right if you're a
pitcher. And you always have to remember
that, above ail else, you've gotta

defensive strengths together, be
fense is half of the game. You've gotta wake
up in the morning, every morning, and ac-
complish the feat you're being p:
complish, every day, and even
hurting bad.

PLAYBOY: Most fans would give that an
“Awww, too bad.” The average salary for a
baseball player is $112,454, and there are
now 77 millionaires in the sport. With that
kind of money, how hard can the work be?
CRAIG: It’s hard work, pe . When 1

started out, it was a lot tougher and the pay
was nothin —we can get into that later. But
what remains the same is that you've still
gotta get up and perform every day and
nobody else can do what you do—that's
the way I make my players think

PLAYBOY: How?

CRAIG: I tell my pitchers, * 1 saw Don
Larsen pitch a perfect game in the fuckin’
world series in 1956—against the Brook-
lyn Dodgers. Don wasnt a spectacular
pitcher, but he did do that, and I saw it.” I
tell ‘em, “You can do it, too, if you think
about it right.” I tell еп that before the
game and every time | go out to the

m down. Even if I have to

mound to calm
yank'em—"N
“There's no reason on earth you can't do
what you're supposed to do—get every-
body out—so just do it." I remind 'em that
cvery bauer who comes up—the best of
300, and that means you
beat them a lot more than they beat you

‘ext time, you can do it," I say.

"em connect for

Seventy percent of the time, you'll get an
out

PLAYBOY: So what do you tell your batters?
The pitcher's pitching a perfect game and
youll never get another hit?

CRAIG: Of course not—I'm not crazy. I tell
“ет just because this guy is pitching a good
game, a batting average of .300 ain't bad,
and so what if you dont hit every pitch?

You'll hit one of “em and well win the game
because of you—you did it.

s that you being clever?

Shoot, I dont know clever from
nothin'—I just know how to get my players
to perform, and I’m not lying to them, be-
cause I just think that this game is a magic
one. There's a basic magic to the game that
captures something in everybody's heart.
PLAYBOY: Which is?

CRAIG: A magical sense that, hey, you go
out there, nobody knows whats gonna
happen. Every pitch, every play, every er-
ror will change the course of the game, but
youre all in it together and there's no time

clock. That works against you some ways
In every other team sport, there's a time
clock. In baseball, it just goes on until

it's over. Hell, I've been in games where it
went to extra innings you couldn't count
on a cash register.

It's such a different sport from the rest
of "em. For one thing, every park is differ-
ent—different outfields, different infields,
different measuring for what a home run
is. Its like a wonderful crap shoot, bec;
everything с
on where you are, when you're there
PLAYBOY: What do you say to people who
don'tagree with you
ball a boring game?
CRAIG: Let ‘em be critics and let ет be
bored. I dont think the fans agree—last
year, baseball's attendance was the best ev.
cr. Once you get bit by the baseball bug,
you're bit forever. | know / was. Sportswrit-
ers can criticize all they want to, but they're
not athletes. Being a good athlete means
working when youre hurt. Hurt and

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PLAYBOY

job.

work—a lot of media people don't under
stand that concept. When they're hurt and
don't show up for work, nobody writes
about them, nobody speculates in print
about why they didn't show up at the type-
writer that day:

1 don't want to sound bitter—I get along
with most writers, because it’s part of my
lt just seems

you're a Y with your jock.” I just
told hi I can't help it—I have to
pitch and you're just filmin’ me, and I do it
without even thinkin’ about it.
PLAYBOY: And he said?

CRAIG: Nothing. He got the point. I get let-
ters all the time from people askin' me,
“Hey, how come you spit so much?”

tracıs me from my performance as a man-
ager, if you want to hear about it —
PLAYBOY: We're all ears.

CRAIG: This.

PLAYBOY: This what?

CRAIG: This thing of answering questions
all of the time for the press. I'm not talking
about you—you're sorta OK—but the
sports-beat press

strange to me,
sometimes, when
guys get on your
case because some-
where down deep
they know they
could never do what
you've done. And
sure it hurts to be
ripped apart in
print. But lots of
things in life hurt
lifes the big ball
game.

Ask me another
baseball question. A
real one—back to
balls and strikes.
PLAYBOY: OK. Why
do baseball players
tug on their crotch
so much?

CRAIG: Simple: The
crotch cup hurts if
its not right. You
don't see that kind
of tugging in ba
ball, for
because they're ай
runnin' around and
nobodys gonna nail
you where it hurts
with something as
big as a basketball.
Baseball differ-
ent—a wild pitch
сап cost you not just
your professional
life but your life, pe-

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who ask you before

a game the same
question and the
same question and
the same question
over and over and
over again. "You
gonna go out there
and win today,
Roger?" Of course
my answer is yes.
And after you've
lost—"Why did you

lose; are you gonna
go out and win to-
morrow?" What am
1 suppose to зау--
no? The questions
you've just answered
yesterday, ones
you're answering
now, the same ones
youll be answering
tomorrow I know
its part of the me-
dia's job, but... .
PLAYBOY: And, of
course, if you
werent a winner,
you'd just be a ques-
tion on a sports-quiz
show.

CRAIG: [Laughs| |
know that, and Um
not really complain-
ing. It's just that no:
body ever seems to
ask a question that
really means some-

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to answer?
craic: Humm
Good question
PLAYBOY: And a
good answer?

(ед) | CRAIG: [Pauses] No-
= body ever asks me
about my father—

because you have to
keep yourself loose, all over—the cups and
the jockstrap are not very comfortable, but
you gotta do it. And after a while, it just be-
comes a habit—its a tight jockstrap on а
tight cup and you're trying to stay alive. I
used to adjust my cup back when baseball
was first broadcast on television, and one
of the cameramen came up to me and said,
“Ме can't keep the camera on you, because

PLAYBOY: And you say?
CRAIG: That it's part of the game. You play
out there, you're gonna spit. I dont chew
tobacco like a lotta guys do, but I do chew
gum—1 get letters asking me why I do
that, for Chrissakes, You just can't manage
or play a ball game without somebody get-
tin’ on your ass for some ridiculous reason.
And I'll tell you another thing that dis-

he was such an inspiration to me. He was
the most optimistic person I ever met in
my life, a guy who just believed that he
could do anything he set out to do. I re-
member when I was a kid, maybe cight or
nine years old, and he'd ask me to clean
up our garage. I cleaned it, He came home
from work with his suit and tic on—he was
а shoe salesman and always dressed up
nice and neat—and he asked, "Did you

clean the garage?" I said.
says, "Let's go look at it." He took a look
around and he said, "Sit down over there
in the corner for a minute." He took off his
coat, rolled his sleeves up, took his tie off—
1 thought he was gonna give me a whippin’.
I thought I'd done an all-right job, but he
didn't. I asked, "What did 1 do bad, Dad
He said, "Just sit over there and watch пи
And he started workin. | said, ‘Lemme
help you." He said, "No, just sit down
there, because 1 wanna show you some-

thin.” He worked about an hour cleaning”

that garage, and he had it spotless. When
he was done, he told me, “1 did this so you
can remember this all your life: It doesn't
matter how much time it takes—if you're
gonna do somethin, you do it right, no
matter what. Do it the best way you know
how."

I never forgot that. Even today, no mat-
ter if its carryin' wood for my fireplace on
my ranch or tryin’ to teach my pitchers
how to pitch and my batters how to bat, 1
always think about that. If I'm gonna
spend the fime to do it, 1 might as well do it
right. That's the way I go about my life and
that's the way I manage.

PLAYBOY: Did your father live to see your

e died when I was in the Army—
he never saw me play in the major leagues,
and that's one of the biggest regrets of my
life. But when I was playin’ baseball in high
school, he'd stay up for me every night, up-
stairs, waitin’ for me to come in. If I came
in late, I could never sneak by him, be
cause Бед be there waitin'—"Rog, how'd I
do today?" I'd tell him all about the game,
and then he'd go to sleep. But he waited for
me every night. He would ride the bus ev-
ery day to work—it was two or three miles
to his job—and a lotta times I'd ask him
for a bus token. Often it was his last one,
something I discovered when I'd take the
bus over to the other side of town to visit
my sweetheart, Carolyn, who is now my
wife, and Га see my dad walkin’ vo work.
PLAYBOY: What did you learn from that?
CRAIG: Beyond a great love for my father, a
real sense of humbleness—that he was try-
in' to make things good for his kids. There
were ten of us, so, in a way, we were Kind of
like a team and my father was a wonderful
manager. So you've just asked the question
1 never get to answer. Thanks for askin’
Next?

PLAYBOY: You never really finished saying
what unique thing you've given to baseball
CRAIG: Unique? The split-hngered fast-
ball. Best thing that’s ever happened to
pitchers, and I'm quite proud of teachin’
that to all the ones I've taught it to. That, 1
guess, is my best legacy. Its a different
pitch and I'm proud I've changed so many
careers by teaching pitchers how to throw
it. If Td known how to throw it when I was
still pitchin, it would have extended my life
as a player a lot more years. It's changed
the game forever, that pitch.

PLAYBOY: Some managers, such as your
friend Sparky, say the pitch is just a fad.

CRAIG: And that's a lot of crap. Sparky's
wrong. It's not а fad, it's here to stay, and it's
a really revolutionary pitch for the guys
who want to learn it. I taught it to Jack
Morris when I was with the Tigers, and
he's become a tremendous pitcher because
of it—he was pretty good already. I taught
it to Mike Scott, the leading guy for the
Houston Astros, and he won the Cy Young
Award in 1986 because he mastered it so
well. It's sort of strange that way, because I
taught him something he's beat us with.
PLAYBOY: Maybe you'd better explain what
the pitch is.

CRAIG: The split finger is, simply, a fastball
that you put an extra spin on so that it

drops down in front of the batter so fast
that he don't know where it's goin. To put it
in layman's terms, it's a fastball that’s also
got the extra spin of a curve ball on it. Ev-
ery pitcher with brains who wants to stick
around wants to learn it. 1 don't take credit
for inventing it—I kind of stumbled onto
it, because when I was a pitching coach, I
used to throw batting practice a lot, and I
was always trying to figure out something
different that could help my pitchers.

Back then, | owned this company called
the San Diego School of Baseball, an in-
structional camp for kids 14 to 16 years old.
I wanted to teach my kids the pitch, and
one day I did it—I found a simple way to

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PLAYBOY

teach it—another reason why baseball's
such a great game. Here I was, 50 years
old, and I learned how to throw and teach
this pitch, and now everybody wants to
know how to throw it. You can't believe the
fan mail I get every day—high school kids,
college coaches, everybody wants to learn
it. I mean it—this pitch has changed the
game forever.
PLAYBOY: You managed pitcher Gaylord
Perry the premiere spitter artist of all
time, in San Diego. What's all the commo-
tion about the spitter? Why shouldn't it be a
part of the game?
CRAIG: The spitter is not a natural pitch:
You're using 2 gimmick to strike people
out. I dor't like to see guys scuff the ball or
throw spitters, and with the split finger,
youre using your own natural talent to
throw. You're usin’ a foreign substance
when you're throwin’ a spitter. You can't be-
lieve all the things pitchers use—slippery
elm, K-Y jelly—Gaylord would just put
stuff in his hair. You can also put it on your
armpits, your belt buckle, all over, if you
teach yourself to be sneaky enough.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever throw a spitter your-
self? Tell the truth.
CRAIG: I threw a few spitters at the end of
my career, because I wanted to stay around
for as long as I could and I figured, as long
as I can get away with it...
PLAYBOY: Did you always get away with it?
CRAIG: I never got caught. But the point is
to keep your arm healthy enough to not
have to resort to the phony stuff—and
thats why the split finger is зо great.
Throw it right, you'll keep a strong arm
and you'll win ball games for a long time.
But you never know if a pitcher you've
trained might get traded to another club,
and he can always come back to beat your
ass. Knowing that helps keep me on my
toes—you just gotta keep getting smarter.
PLAYBOY: Are you getting smarter in the au-
tumn of your years?
CRAIG: Hell, don't put me in my grave yet,
but, yeah, I sure hope so, because the com-
petition gets smarter all the time and I got-
ta stay on top of things, because that’s my
job. Athletes are a lot different from when
1 was playin'—they keep in shape during
the off season, they have their weight-
trainin’ programs, which make ‘em
stronger, they can beat you better; but a
whole lot of things about baseball won't
change, and one of them is the will to win.
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about racism at the
management level,
CRAIG: You're talking about Al Campanis,
aren't you?
PLAYBOY: Yes; you know him as a friend.
What did you think about the remarks he
made about blacks that got him fired?
CRAIG: First, 1 don't think Al is a racist at
all. Shoot, he grew up playin’ with Jackie
Robinson in the minors. I think he was
realtired and overworked that night, and,
unfortunately for him, it got all out of pro-
portion. I'm sorry he said it.

The way 1 think about these things, I'm
really color-blind. I see a guy for talent,

and I certainly don't think that blacks lack
managerial skills. The Giants just hired a
great baseball man as their first-base
coach, Dusty Baker, who happens to be a
black man. I'll tell you, I'm glad we got
him. I guess if you look at the game over-
all, there's a real disproportionzte number
of black men in the game—and that's a
real shame—but I do think the situation is
changing. The issue has become more no-
ticed because of what Al said, and that's
good—it'll wake "em up.

PLAYBOY: Do you think that what Cam-
panis said reflects the thinking of baseball
management?

CRAIG: I think managing is a matter of
brains, and there are lots of smart black
men in this game who can do a great job.
The sooner management realizes that, the
better the sport will be. I think part of the
problem is like the situation Jackie faced—
40 years later, some people just won't let
you be judged on your God-given ability,
but your skin color, and it's unfair. But I've.
never seen a contract that guarantees that
life has to be fair.

PLAYBOY: A few months after Campanis'
statement, Jimmy “the Greek” Snyder was
fired from CBS because of his remarks
about black slaves' being “bred” for sports,
which he said explained blacks' superior
athletic skills. What did you think when
you heard that?

CRAIG: You're really tryin to catch me,
huh? I think one thing he was right about
was that baseball, football, track—all
sports are better now because of black ath-
letes. They've changed the whole picture.
But I also think it's just a matter of time be-
fore some of these great black athletes be-
come great coaches and great managers.

I love basketball. Sometimes, when you

watch a basketball game, all ten players are
black, and 1 love to see that, because black
men can jump higher, they can run faster
and, in general, they are better overall. I
don't know nothin’ about that remark of
Snyder's about slave days; I'm not that
smart. And baseball has some catchin' up
1 do, because there have been seven ог
eight black head coaches in the N.B.A.
PLAYBOY: Jimmy the Greek also said he
thought black athletes were better today
because they grew up poorer than whites
and had to work harder than white play-
ers. Do you agree?
CRAIG: I can't speak for anybody else, but I
don't think any of the great black athletes
of today worked any harder than / did as a
kid. Or even now. Every day is a new chal-
lenge, and you wake up every morning to
do your best by working as hard as you
can; so if he wants to make a color distinc-
tion that way, I think he's wrong.

See, there are two different types of ath-
letes—those who have natural talents and
dor't have to work that hard to really be
successful, and then there's a guy like
Sparky Anderson, who doesn't have real
natural talent ——

PLAYBOY: Or a Roger Craig——

CRAIG: You can definitely put me on the list,
but I was a helluva lot better athlete than
Sparky and you can tell him that! [Laughs]
I knew I wasn't a good hitter, and so 1
figured I'd make myself into a great bunt-
er—an outstanding one, if | may say so—
when I was a pitcher. Then, after a couple
of glory years with the Brooklyn Dodgers,
I reinjured my arm real bad and 1 knew
that, although 1 couldn't be a real power
pitcher anymore, I could learn control, de-
pend on that. Ard I did it. Adversity is a
good teacher, no matter what your color is.
After I hurt my arm, | got shipped down
to the minors. Teachin' myself, with no real
professional help, to come back from that
injury is probably the proudest moment in
my career, now that I stop to think about
it—better than winnim the National
League Western Division championship
last year, because, hell, nobody knew noth-
in' about sports medicine back then, And
lemme tell you this: Gettin' sent down to
the minors after you've seen the bright
lights of the majors—particularly the
world series—makes a real difference in
your attitude as a player. 1 was bound and
determined to get back to the bigs so bad.

And that's part of what I'm talkin’ about

here—I was mo superstar. I could have
been a whole lot better if I hadn't gotten
hurt, but that's just a part of the game, get-
tin’ hurt. A lot of the great black athletes
with the natural superstar talent get hurt a
loi—and if you've got the will, you сап
figure out a way to come back, if you work
hard cnough.
PLAYBOY: Another issue in baseball is drug
and alcohol abuse. When you were grow-
ing up in the sport, in the Fifties, getting
drunk was thought of as fun, except when
it erupted into some kind of major brawl,
such as the famous 1957 Copacabana inci-
dent when Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford
and Billy Martin got involved in a fight
with Copa patrons. Although Stengel trad-
ed Martin because of it, the incident was
treated at the time as a boys-will-be-boys
ing, wasn't it?

Not by management. Billy got
shipped out because he wasnt as impor-
tant to the Yankees as Whitey or Micke:
but ГП tell you that back then, unless уо!
were a big star, if word got around that you
had a drinking problem, you were dis-
missed from the club, period. You were
gone if management thought you were a
drunk and it affected the team and your
performance. No second chance.

I really never saw a whole lot of it when 1
played. On a hot New York night, after a
hard day on the field, a bunch of us players
would get together in a hotel room and ice
up a bathtub full of some beers and play
cards for a few hours—but I never did see
any problems myself among the friends I
knew, though it sure happened to a lot of
people. As for this cocaine stuff—I really
don't even know what it is, except that it's
dangerous. The difference now is that the
owners, at their own expense, have insti-
tuted a rehab program for guys who

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Banner ay the canes ees таста a стави
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By Geier бирли Sam CY OE O Hk.

— — am — — — —

PLAYBOY

wanna come forth with their addiction.
either on their own because they recognize
the problem or they get arrested and have
to admit it because they got caught. Some:
imes they get another chance if they re-
ipse—and that's good, because, as | say, in
my day, most guys were thrown out foreve
the first time around.

But this is true, too: The bottom line to
е is, three strikes and you're out. Two
chances, th: it, because it means that
you dont care enough about yourself,
your team and your lile to make anything
matier

PLAYBOY: OK, tin
supposed to be a whiz at st
of opposing pitchers. How
that?

CRAIG: Are you kiddin’? Ws real important,
ad I do it very well, because I constantly
study the opposin' managers, the opposin’
pitchers and the opposin' third-base coach
when Im managin' a game. I like to keep
about 15 levels of conce: on out there
when I'm managin; and thats one of the
most important ones, beca
manager a tremendous advantage if you
can predict what the other team is up 10.
When you can detect a sign, and your de
tection is right—you predict something
that's true—that's real satisfyin’
PLAYBOY: And, of course, the othe
the coin is making sure your opponents
can't detect jour signs to your team.
CRAIG: Гус sort of mastered that, too, I
think. [Laughs] Thats fun. 1 -mber
when 1 was pitchin’ coach for Alvin Dark
with the Padres, son, who
was managing the Indians back then—this
was in cactus-lcaguc spring trainin’ in A;
zona, where both teams get ready for the
season, Frank sort of approaches me and
know what you're doin'—you're the
ling the signs, not Alvin Роз on to
you. Every time you cross your leg the way
you do, it means something, doesn't it?
You're the guy.” It took me back for ‘bout
Ша second. I have such long legs and I
Jays sat next to my managers when I was
іп coach. I said, ah, Frank, you're
on to me.” All I was doin’ was tryin’ to keep
comfortable, but I certainly wasn't
ourage him from that notion. [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: So what does it take to give good
signs?

CRAIG: The secret is whats called the indi-
cator, which means I can go through all
the motions ] want, but none of them mean
anything until after a crucial signal is
given, after which you pay attention. That
goes for the pitchers, batters and coaches
who have to relay them to my play
PLAYBOY: Whats your indicator?
CRAIG: Boy, you must think Tim as dumb as
my horse. [Laughs] ГИ show you this [ugs
on ears and belt buckle, touches armpit and
abdomen, wipes forehead). Now, one of them
is it. But if I told you which one, it wouldn
be an indicator anymore, would it?
PLAYBOY: What happens when a playe
knows the sign gets traded away?
CRAIG: Personnel changes, the basic indica-

e fora change-up: You're
ing the signs
тропам is

side of

basic

tor changes—it is still one of thos
moves. They move, I move it.
PLAYBOY: lo us in the bleachers, it seems
like an entirely different la
CRAIG: You can figure it out.
Humm Bah
PLAYBOY: And we thought vou'd never say
it Ever since you took over the Giants, San
Francisco has gone Humm Baby crazy It
has become the team’s rallying cry; it’s
even the name of your ranch. Did you
know you were giving a new expression to
the language?

CRAIG: Not at all. Came from growing up
in baseball; it was justa thing you said,
some chatter —Humm Baby, Humm Ba-
by—to encourage your team. It was amaz-
in to me when it caught on the way it did,
because it’s been around the game for so
long; lots of guys always said it. Now it’s be
come a chant again, as well as a whole
nother thing since the media made such a
big deal out of it.
PLAYBOY: What, exactly, i5 a Humm Baby?
CRAIG: Well, из beyond bascball. But in
terms of baseball, the kind of guys Гус
mentioned, guys who always go out and
put out 200 percent for you every day even
if they don't win, they're a Humm Baby.
But a Humm Baby can also be a pretty
girl—and Гуе heard tell you've had one or
two of those in your magazine over the
years. You yourself can become a Humm
Baby if you do a good job, in my estima-
tion, with this interview,

PLAYBOY: We'll do our best. Lets wind
down with ап old-úmers question: Do you
think there can cver be icams like the ones
you remember? The Dodgers ieam you
played on had Duke Snider, Gil Hodges,
Pee Wee Reese, Don Drysdale and Sandy
. The Yankees you played against
had Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford, Elston
ard, Yogi Berra, Bobby Richardson.
sants had Willie M Willie Mc-
Covey Orlando Cepeda, Juan Marichal.
The question being, do they make ‘em that
way anymore?

CRAIG: No, there's no denyin' t But ev-
егу era has its ups and downs, and I think
baseball is on а real up now. Look at some
of the stars мече got now— Tim Raines,
Andre Dawson, Jack Morris, Dwight
Gooden, Don Mattingly, Wade Boggs,
Mike Schmidt, George Breu—all of ет
future Hallof-Famer

PLAYBOY: But there are no dynasties any
more, are there? Aren't the year-to-ye
rosters always in doubt because of free
agency? You just don't have those mythical
teams, do you?

CRAIG: You're right. And that is one of the
reasons that winners dont repeat wins
twice in a row. Last teams to do it were the
Dodgers and the Phillies in 77 and 78
the National League, and Kansas City, 84
and '85 in the American League. And it's
sad, in a way, because it changed a part оГ
the game that had been around for so long.
But I understand it—if Га been in the
same spot as these guys are lucky enough
to be in, when I was playin’ I'd be stupid

youre a real

not to go for all the money I could get from
my boss. I fully support players’ gettin’
their due. I just think so much of the time,
the way the negotiations conducted
changes things for the worse—manage-
ment resents the player, the player resents
management and the fans resent the р
er. That, in turn, can make a guy feel the
whole world's on his case, and it affects the
teans performance, which is what Um in-
terested in—the feam performance. You
can have a team with a couple of big slug-
gers on it that don't win ball games—look
at Cleveland last year. No matter how good
you are as an individual, if you're not a
team player, you jinx the team.

PLAYBOY: Do you feel jinxed that two big
sports magazines, Sports Ilustrated and
The Sporting News, have predicted that
your team will be the first National League
repeater since the Dodgers and the
Phillies

CRAIG: И you're askin’ me if 1 worry be-
cause these predictions are almost always
wrong, the answer is a big fat no. Sure, it's
flatterin: just like getting the A.P Manager
of the Year Award was Йапегт: But I dont
think any whichaway about predictions,
because baseball is such an unpredictable
sport. Anything can happen any бте
your key pitchers might come up sore,
your second baseman might get a torn lig-
ament—anything can happen. I dont wor-

ry about predictions—l worry about
winnin ball games.
PLAYBOY: Last question: If you could

me of baseball, how would

change the g:
you change it?

CRAIG: First, I'd eliminate (һе designated-
hitter rule, which is a violation of the b:
ball rule book th: s, in effect, there
shall be no more than nine players for each
team on the held. The D.H. creates a tenth
er. on offense.

Next, Га get rid of domed stadiums.
Then Га get rid of that Astroturt

And, most important, I'd restore day
games 10 the importance they had when I
started playing. Baseball should be played
the way it was meant to be played—on
green grass, like the little boys play it, A
game played in the sunshine, fresh a
green grass. The game has changed so
much, so fast, and it will continue to be-
cause of the economics, but, down deep. to
my mind, till about a little kid fallin’ in
love with the game, fi Y out who his
heroes are, what team he wants to root for.
figurin out what kind of star he wants to
be when he grows up, because he knows
that the real important thing about the
game is havin’ fun playin’ it. Baseball will
always be a game about havin f You
won't find a player in the game now, and
you never will, who won't say that.

And I guess the final thing Га make
sure of if Î had my druthers is that every
little boy who worked hard enough at the
game to make it to the big leagues would
make it to the world series, because that’s
the best fun on carth. Humm Baby.

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AN INVESTIGATION OF THE 1980 REAGAN
CAMPAIGN'S CLANDESTINE OPERATIONS
PROVOKES THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

Li
DID THE REAGAN TEAM MAKE ITS FIRST
ARMS-FOR-HOSTAGES SWAP FIVE YEARS
BEFORE THE IRAN/CONTRA DEAL?

El
DID GEORGE BUSH'S CIA CONTACTS
HELP SABOTAGE PRESIDENT CARTER'S
HOSTAGE NEGOTIATIONS?

ш
WERE THE TEHRAN CAPTIVES JAILED
FOR AN EXTRA 76 DAYS TO TIP THE
1980 ELECTION TOWARD REAGAN?

AN ELECTION

HELD

HOSTAGE

"The obscure we see eventually. The completely ap-

parent takes а little longer.” —EDWARD R. MURROW
IN JANUARY 20, 19 nutes into his first term, President
Ronald Rea с le.

y government in
Iran had held ge in retaliation for
America's support ol shah. To the world's
dismay, President Jimmy Са as unable to secure
their release. Traditional methods of persuasion —an ad
mixture of pleas, thr

For more tha

с ‘that

айтал mab lias edppled ihe
псу and brought America to its knees.

е nation remained until Reagan placed his
hand on a Bible and took a solemn oath. world
away, the fanaties who had once chanted “Death to
the Great Satan” instantly scrambled to appease the

article By ABBIE HOFFMAN
and JONATHAN SILVERS

ILLUSTRATION BY NICK BACKES

PLAYBOY

country's new leader. Barely two hours
after the Inauguration, “with thanks to
Almighty God.” Reagan made the an-
nouncement that America had been
longing to hear for 444 days: "Some 30
minutes ago. the planes bearing our pris-
oners left Iranian airspace and they are
now free of Iran.

In the jubilation of homecoming. no
one asked why the hostages had been re-
leased at that pa lar moment. No e
seemed necessary. Throughout
campaign, Reagan had
mmed the Iranians as “murderous
barbarians" and implied that, if elected,
there were ways of handling such people.

“We did not wish to inherit the hostage
i lains Richard Allen

‘ity Advisor. “We wanted to make it
clear to the Iranians that this was the one
Reagan was unstable about.” The
Reagan transition team circulated men-
acing rumors that military reprisals and
Normandylike ions were "under
consideration." (According to Allen, i
propaganda was not without humor:
Whats flat and glows in the dark?
“Tehran, five minutes after Reagans In-
auguration.”)

It would be five years before Reagan's
antiterrorist posturing came under
scrutiny. In November 1986, a Lebanese
newsweckly reported that National Secu-
rity Advisor Robert McFarlane had
secretly negotiated а
deal with the Ira

foi-hostages

captives taken during Reagan's first term.
As the scandal unfolded, it was discov-
ered that this was not the rash enterprise
of a small group of National Security
Council adventurers but a rigorously
conceived Presidential

The White House quickly shifted into
e-control mode. Attorney General
Edwin Meese promised a "complete and

partial investigation" — just after the
most incriminating documents were
shredded. Through a series of discreet

tactical maneuvers, the. Admi
managed to confine all o
tions of.
1986, the period in which the White
House said the in e had begun. The
Government panels were deterred from
exploring the conspiracy's origins

The White House tried desperately to
conccal earlier activities for a simple rea-
son: The Reagan Administration had ap-
proved and encouraged the sale of US
arms to Iran not only in 1985 but four
years earlier, іп 1981. Ammunition, ге-
placement parts, even sophisticated
American weapons systems began to flow
mo ehran—via Isracl—within two
months of Reagan's 1981 Inaugw n.

Moreover, a commanding body of evi-
dence and testimony has recently sur
faced that suggests that members of the

1980 Reagan-Bush campaign secretly
pursued openings to Iran as early as Sep-
tember 1980, two months before the elec-
tion. On at least two occasions, emissaries
of Ayatollah Khomeini met with Reagan
advisors. The Iranians allegedly offered
to detain the American hostages past
y, humiliating Carter and en-
iring a Reagan victory Given the speed
h which the Reagan Administration
approved arms sales to Khomeini, the
testimony of several Iranian dignitaries
and the fact that a similar arms-for-
hostages pact was made later, there в ev-
ery reason to suspect the Reagan
campaign capable of cutting a deal.

Former President Jimmy Carter has
voiced doubts about his opponent's in-
tegi in that race. In response to our
question. regarding his knowledge of
these allegations, Carter wrote the fol-
lowing on February 24, 1988:

We have had reports since late
summer 1980 about Reagan cam-
paign ofhcials dealing with Iranians
concerning delayed release of the
American hostages. I chose to ig-
nore the reports. Later, as you know.
former Iranian president Bani-Sadr
has given several interviews stating
that such an agreement was made
involving Bud McFarlane, George
Bush and perhaps Bill Casey. By this
time, the elections were over and the
results could not be changed. I have
never tried to obtain any evidence
about these allegations but have
trusted that investigations and hi
torical records would someday let
the truth be known.

This letter prompted an investigation,
the results of which follow.

THE САМРМС

In retrospect, it seems surprising that
President Carter was able to mount a se-
rious bid for re-election 1980. The
United States was suffering from the
rapid erosion. of its industrial base, ап
Arab oil embargo and post- Vietnam war
trauma. Added to double- inflation
and rising unemployment, Ше Iran
hostage crisis came to symbolize the
country’s general deterioration. Whether
Carter was a victim of those circum-
stances or their chief architect is debat-
ble, but much of the public regarded
him as a poor manager of the complex
American system. An internal campaign
ten by Carter's chief pollster,
put it у
and large, the American people do not
like Jimmy Carter. Indeed, a large seg-
ment could be said to loathe the Presi-
dent.”

Loathe him they might, but pit him
against the Republican nominee, Ronald
Reagan, and lo! Carter suddenly had a
decent. shot re-election. Whatever

Carter had, Reagan matched them
one for one. Reagan's appeal was limited:
he was seen as hawkish, misinformed, ul-
traconser е. too Hollywood.

At its core, the election was a race to se-
lect the lesser of two evils. Voters couldn't
decide whether they wanted helplessness
or extreme conservatism. Time-magazine
preference polls consistently showed the
didates separated at most by two per-
centage points. In mid-October, Time
gave Carter a slight edge, 42 percent to
Reagan's 41 percent.

William Casey, Reagan's
er, found these stat

faults

campaign

mana

would pull an "October Surprise"; that
is, bring the hostages home, win back the
publics confidence—and send Reagan
back to the ranch. Richard Wirthlin,
Reagan's chief pollster, estimated that a
pre-election hostage release could carn
Carter five to ten percent of the undecid-
ed vote, more than cnough to ensure his
re-election. Without a hostage release,
however, Wirthlin figured that a Reagan
was certain.

Casey had not come so far to be denied

«логу at the Hth hour. At his insistence,
the Reagan-Bush campaign began to de-
fend against the possibility of a pre-clec-
tion hostage relcasc.

CAMPAIGN COUNTERINTELLIGENCE

In caly September 1980, Casey and
Meese put together an intelligence oper-
ation called the October Surprise group,
consisting of ten strategists dedicated to
White House mancu-
vers. Its ranks included Richard Allen,
Dr. Fred Ikle, later Undersecretary of
Defense, and John Lehman, later Secre
tary of the Navy The New York Times
called their activities “war-gaming,” "the
guessing of possible Carter moves and
the formulation of countermoves.” But
they soon went beyond guesswork. Like
any intelligence operation worth its
cloaks and daggers, the group went alter
information at its source—the White
House and environs.

And they got it. In Cassopolis, Indi-
ana, on October 28, 1980, then-Con-
gressman David Stockman boasted that
he had used a “pilfered copy" of Carter's
iefing book to coach Reagan lor
vised debate. “Apparently, the Reagan
camps ‘pilfered goods were correct.
ported The Elkhart Truth. “Several times,
both candidates said almost word for
word what Stockman predicted.”

h wasn't until three years later. alter
the debate incident was recounted by
Laurence 1. Barrett in Gambling with
History and Jody Powell suggested that a
ious breach of ethics may have oc
ed, that Congress launched a full-
scale inquiry into the affair, dubbed
(continued on page 150)

“No wonder you never gel laid—your hair is dull and
lifeless and you have split ends!"

nancie s. martin shows us what sort of woman edits “playgirl”

Playboy. Playgirl
Now, there's a
dless to
mo chicken-
question
know

say,
theres
and-egg
here; we
which came first.
Bul squaiters’ rights
and circulation fig-
ures aside, we thought it was time to check
out the “Entertainment for Women"
magazine, and what betler tour guide than
Playgirls own editor in chief, Nancie S.
Martin?

We first met Nancie last April, when she
and Playboy
Kluger shared honors as celebrity judges of
а coed strippers’ pageant at Manhattan's
Limelight night club. According to Kluger,
the pugeant was nothing special, but Nan-
cie certainly was. “I called her the next
day,” he says, “and within 48 hours, shed
not only agreed to pose for Playboy, she led

Associate Editor Bruce

the contract negotiations, planned her own
PR and mapped out one hell of a project.
You knew she was an editor in chief”

The week after her Playboy shoot,
Kluger and Martin had the following con-
versation.

PLAYBOY: So we meet at last.

pLavciki:: Playboy meets Playgirl.

pravioy: Lets first dispel some myths:
Your read
PLAYGIRL
are fema
percent are single, between the ages of 18
and 34. Average age: 26, 27. Most are
working.

тілувоу: Myth two: The models arcall gay.
rtaverkt: The models аге mostly straight
But I dont have any figures on that,
because ИЗ not something you ask. 1 do
know that most of the guys we pho-
tograph have girlfriends.

PLAYBOY: Angry girlfriends?

rLAYGIRL: No, no. Supportive girlfriends
who say “Hey, look what I got.”

generally urban. About 75

т.лувоу: OK, how about the myth that
the size of a man's penis plays an impor
tant role in his appearing in the
magazine?

PLAYGIRL: Here's my version of the Play-
girl peter principle: Since many men are
insecure about the size of their penises, if
someone's willing to show it, it has to be
OK. Of course, women tend to look be-
yond body parts. They dont just say.
God, he's got a big schlong!" or “What
shoulders!"; they react to an over-a
like “Oh, what a baby face!” or
what a stud!” Then again, for our 15th
ary party, we did hold a wet-

annivei

shorts contest
т.лүһоу: Wet shorts?

тълкака: Yeah; you always see these wet-
Tshirt contests, but its not very often
that you have a contest where the women
get to see what the men have. So we got
all these ladies up on stage with soda
siphons.

тлувоу: And it worked just like a wet-I-

While she admits being Playgirl editor in chief is “a fun
job,” NancieS. Martin(inconferenceintransitabove) works
hard, keeping in shape with a daily session at the gym.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

In her New York office, Martin discusses layouts with (from
left) assistant art director Dawn Blaschick, art director
Ken Palumbo and managing editor Caroline Schneider.

shirt contest?
PLAYGIRL: Yes.
PLAYBOY: Wouldn't the cold water have a
deleterious effect?
PLAYGIRL: Well, the siphons were left out
fora while, so the water was fairly warm.
I didn't detect any noticeable shrinkage,
though, of course, 1 hadn't seen them
previous to that moment. The guy who
won was rather nicely endowed. He
apparently a bodybuilder.
PLAYBOY: Since were talking stud, let's
define some Playgirl terms. For example,
good buns,
PLAYGIRL: It depends. Different women
have different preferences. Some women
like them rounded, some like them a lit-
tle flatter. But, essentially, good buns are
well worked out. They have that nice
dimple in the side.
PLAYBOY: Like a dent.
PLAYGIRL: It is a dent.
PLAYBOY: Hunk.
PLAYGIRL: Manly. Confident. Fearless. A
hunk should be in good shape. As I've al-
ways said, the two most important quali-
ties in a man are a flat stomach and a
sense of humor.
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about you. How does a
30-year-old woman become editor in
chief of Playgi

іні; While I was in school, I worked

е in the state assembly in Albany,

New York. That was interesting, but
there was a lot of “You scratch my back,
ТИ scratch yours" stuff going on and I
decided that I didn't really want to be a
part of it. So I came back to New York
City and started doing a little modeling,
going to acting dasses, working as a
make-up artist, doing waitress work,
managing rock bands. I even worked as a
counter manager at Macy's.

Before long, 1 ended up at Look
magazine, which folded within a month
but gave me enough magazine experi-
ence to decide 1 really liked it. Eventually,
I became the editor of Tiger Beat.
pLavnoy: The teen magazine?
туса: Right. So you see, essentially,
I've gone from showing 15-year-old boys
with their shirts off to showing 25-year-
old men with their pants off.
mLAvBov: Beyond the numbers and the
stats, who is your reader? Or, the way

we'd say it at our camp, What sort of
woman reads Playgirl?

PLAYGIRL: The young, single working
woman. Hedonistic. Fun-loving.

PLAYBOY: From where, typically? New
York? L.A.? Chicago?

PLAYGIRL: No, not really More like Des
Moines. We sell very strongly in the so-
called Bible Belt; you'd be amazed at the
extraordinarily active sex and fantasy
lives of the women of America.

PLAYBOY: Aside from the obvious, how are
you different from, say, Cosmo?

PLAYGIRL: Cosmo is all about what's wrong
with you and how to improve it. 1 think
my favorite Cosmo cover line was “How To
OVERCOME THOSE HORRIBLE FEELINGS OF IX
apeguacy”—like it was assumed you were
miserable.

PLAYBOY: So if Helen Gurley Brown were
here at this moment. .. ?

PLAYGIRL: I would say to her, "There's
nothing wrong with the people who read
my magazine. They're terrific just the
way they are." I'd also say that Playgirl is
the only magazine that caters to wom-
en's erotic selves. We're appealing direct-
ly to the pleasure center. We're saying,
“Look at these wonderful-looking men.
Wouldn't you like to sleep with them?
One of them?” And we make a point of
telling our reader how to enjoy herself.

For example, we did a very technical
piece on how to give the perfect hand
job. We told our readers the different
strokes: one-handed, two-handed, back-
ward, sideways. 1 learned a lot of things

that article myself.

We'll also be publishing the natural fol-
low-up, how to give the perfect blow job.
Both articles were written by men, whom
we would presume to be the experts on
what they like.

PLAYBOY: Have you always been passion-
ate about women's sexuality?

PLAYGIRL: Yes. In fact, in some ways,
1 consider my magazine and my person-
al sexuality contemporaneous, because
Playgirl came into being the same year
that I lost my virginity.

PLAYBOY: In 1973?

PLAYGIRL: That is correct.

PLAYBOY: Wait a minute.

PLAYGIRL: 1 was 15, I just couldn't wait to
find out what (concluded on page 162)

ILLUSTRATIONS BY THOMAS THRUN (ABOVE) AND BRIAN GERRITY (RIGHT)

PLAYBOY’S COLLEGE FICTION CONTEST WINNER

THE

Honey
ШШ

BAR & GRILL

Фа

НЕ TURNED HIS HOME INTO A GRAND HOTEL—BUT
IT DIDN'T DO A THING FOR HIS LOVE LIFE
fiction
By VALERIE VOGRIN

University of Alabama
Tuscaloosa, Alabama

PROPRIETOR: Izard McAdoo, high school English teacher, divorced, week-
end father, albino, heir to modest fruit-spread fortune. Chief patrons:
Elizabeth, 12, Ellen, 10, Ted, 33.

The spirit of the Hotel-Motel Bar & Grill was derived from 12 lifelong
affection for the strangeness of hotels and motels. The quilted bed-
spreads, the shag carpets, the garbage cans with plastic liners and the
television sets bolted onto fiberboard dressers. The foreign smells of
transience and disinfection. In those odors, and in the Yellow Pages ofan
unfamiliar town, the clanging of wire hangers and the hollow knock of
empty bureau drawers, he always caught the nuance of possibility What
had started out as a lark, playing "tavern" with his daughters on Sunday
afternoons (which consisted mostly of charging them Monopoly money

for colas and treats), ended up as a full-
scale project that transformed his luxuri-
ous, if somewhat sterile, Southern Cal
hacienda-style condo. He had chosen to
upgrade the ambience of a tourist-trap
family-inn sort of place, yet the basic at-
tractiveness of the Hotel-Motel Bar &
Grill lay in its lack of normalcy It was his
home but not his home.

Ellen and Liz both shared their mother
Amys ever-present tan and gray eyes. El-
len's features still appeared pliable and
innocent, framed in little-girl pigtails or
braids. 147% nose and cheekbones were
already sculpted into model beauty, and

We asked award-winning Playboy
artist Marshall Arisman, chairman of
the master-of-fine-arts program at
the School of Visual Arts in New
York, to encourage his students toil-
lustrate our winning College Fiction
Contest story. The results were
pressive. The two winning entries
(overleaf) were painted by Thomas
Thrun and Brian Gerrity. The runners-
up (clockwise from top) are by Kelly
Alder, Reneé Habert, Marie Lessard,
Lori Lewin and James Stonebraker.

she came to visit with at least three vari-
eties of gels and fixatives for her salon-
coifed hair.

“What's the difference between a motel
and a hotel?” Ellen asked.

“A motel's a hotel with a parking lot,”
Liz answered in a patronizing tone.

“Don't hotels have parking lots, too?”

“Daddy!”

“Relax, Elizabeth.” Iz leafed through
the dictionary. “A hotel is 'a public house
that provides housing and usually meals
and various services,'” he read.

“What kind of services?” Liz asked,
precisely raising one eyebrow in a way he

had thought only her mother could,
cocking it a full half inch and holding it
for several seconds, and Iz realized she
was trying to embarrass him. He refused
to falter.

"You know—shoes shined, clothes
pressed, room service, wake-up calls.”

Liz smiled a small smile, barely reveal-
ing teeth, but said no more.

“Just like here,” Ellen said.

“Damn straight,” Iz replied, leaning
over to tickle them both.

е.

After considerable thought and
purchase, Iz had managed to cover
just about every imaginable
amenity Cleanliness was impor-
tant: daily change of sheets and
towels for guests and sparkling-
clean water glasses and wrapped
perfumed soaps on the bathroom
countertops To have the water
pressure perfectly adjusted, the
vodka chilled, the limes fresh, the
ashtrays spotless, the plants lush
and the air fragrantand gently cir-
culated by ceiling fans—that at-
tention to detail made Izard’s
adrenaline rush.

Liz and Ellen took notice of ev-
erything, from additions such as
the big-screen TV and the onyx
backgammon table to the more
subtle touches. On cool nights,
they liked to sleep with the win-
dows wide open, but then com-
plained about cold feet. His
solution was to buy hot-water bot-
tes, which he ceremoniously
placed at the ends of their beds
when he tucked them in. He loved
the moment when the warmth
sank in, when their faces regis-
tered twin expressions of content-
ment; he sometimes thought this
endeavor was charmed. Liz and El-
len loved the exclusivity of the ar-
rangement, though Hotel-Motel
etiquette required proffering hos-
pitality to other guests, too.

Amy would shit, simply shit, if
she ever came in; to her, the apart-
ment would represent two of his
most irritating qualities: the ability
to enjoy himself and his inherited money.
Not that much about him seemed to
please her now; in the two years since
their divorce, most of her sentences be-
gan with the phrase "The problem with
you is... .” and ended with “Grow up.”
He never instructed the girls not to tell
Amy anything that went on, but he trust-
ed them to know it wasn't the smoothest
move, He savored their present ages,
when those issues did not have to be dis-
cussed, though it felt like borrowed time,
as if he had the pleasure of those two
wonderful girls for just a short time be-
fore they grew (continued оп page 140)

“I love getting all my minimum daily requirements
first thing in the morning.

UP CLOSE L |

PERSONAL

l takes a
focused look at tailored clothing
for fall and winter

PART ONE
fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE

| Ts TOUGH BEING a well-dressed man for all seasons, especially when cach

seasonal change means drastic alterations to one's wardrobe, as styles go in

and out of fashion at the whim of designers and manufacturers. This fall

and winter, we're happy to report, the fickle shifts in style are down toa min-
imum. No radical changes here, just good fashion sense in traditional cold-

weather fit and feel—a seasonal solstice for looking great. While the

Timeless and tailored.
Above and right: A wool/
cashmere Prince of Wales
plaid sports coat, $525, a
Shetland vest, $245, a cot-
ton dress shirt, $135, vir-
gin-woo! pleated trousers,
$215, all from Studio 000.1
by Ferre; plus a silk tie,
from Polo by Ralph Lau-
ren, about $45, and a
watch with a stainless-
steel case and a black
face, from Manfredi Jew-
els, Ltd., New York, $275.

over-all cut of a sports jacket varies lit-
Че from season to season, Italian de-
sign firms such as Missoni Uomo have
widened lapels and styled jackets a bit
longer and slightly closer to the waist,
in a tighter, more European fit. Ties,
also wider this year, prove to be a
wonderful gauge to changes in тепе
fashion. Many of this fall's ties are
patterned in a Forties-retro look, with
a two-color dotted design and a tied
four-in-hand with a tight knot to off-
set the tie's broader cut.

The double-breasted suit, a look
we've always liked for tall-and-lanky
types, is shown on these pages in a
traditional six-button, two-to-button
model and, as designer Ralph Lauren
prefers, a six-button model with a
rolled lapel and one-to-button styling.
The single-breasted three-button suit
also is this fall and winter's comeback
kid, styled sleeker than designs past
and shaped broader through the

= ү

The boss tweed look on
this page includes a wool-
tweed three-piece suit
with notched lapels, vent-
less back and silk-backed
vest and double-pleated
pants, by Hugo Boss, $685;
plus an ecru cotton
Jacquard striped dress
shirt, by Cecilia Meth

about $185; a silk di

mond-patterned Jacquard
tie, by Savoy, $42; and a
plaid silk pocket square,
by Hugo Boss, $27.50.

Classic's the word for the
easy elegance of a wor-
sted-wool two-to-button
double-breasted suit with
peaked lapels and multi-
color overstriping, $825,
and a striped cotton dress
shirt, $160, both by Mis-
soni Uomo; plus a silk
tartan tie, by ХМІ, $42.50;
a silk pocket square,
hy Alfred Dunhill, $37.50;
and tortoise-frame glasses,
by Sanford Hutton for
Colors in Optics Ltd., $36.

This fall, stay with Scotch
for a day. Perhaps a Scot-
tish-wool Harris-tweed
sports coat with a shawl
Collar and a one-hutton
front, about $620, worn
with a wool knit cardi-
gan, about $300, tropical-
weight wool trousers with
a double-pleated front,
about $270, a cotton dress
shirt with patch pockets,
about $190, and a silk
polka-dot tie, about $70,
all by Ronaldus Shamask.

و ی
OS‏
ee‏

255
ЖУ;

МА
t

341333531395
65354592359

Here's to Маск and и
white—particularly this пи Ди: 205925979

distinguished houndstooth [22927727220 d 855552244145 50

wool six-hutton, one-to- | 5 Inm

button double-breasted ir LIB 554944445517

suit with peaked lapels, age A $

side vents and double-pleat- М

ed pants, about $800, ап

ecru cotton dress shirt with 2527

blue and black stripes : : er
and a button-tab collar, и ЭТИИТИН
$80, plus а Маск silk 2 Р
diamond-patterned deco tie,

ebout $45, ай from

Polo by Ralph Lauren.

ШИШЕ
2222 аиып
a LATET ERA VIS ETAT

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BOB FRAME

shoulders. Many of these suits are offered with pants that are double- or
even triple-pleated, tapered slightly to the ankles and worn with one-and-
one-quarter-inch cuffs. Combined with a vest made of a contrasting fabric,
such as a Ferre wool or a Shamask cardigan knit, you have an interesting
layered look that's also a great chill beater. There's also a resurgence of
three-piece suits. Remember Saturday Night Fever? Well, check out the

Game! Set! Unmatched!
This unmatched suit in-
cludes a navy wool dou-
ble-breasted blazer with
brown pinstriping and
notched lapels and brown
cavalry-twill pants with a
triple-pleated front, $850,
worn with a white-and-
brown-striped dress shirt
with straight collar, $60,
and a silk paisley-print
tie, $30, all by Pierre
Balmain; plus a suede
belt, by Trafalgar, Ltd., 535.

tweedy updated three-piecer by Hugo
Boss pictured in this feature. Any way
you look at it, the vest is making the
hottest fashion statement of the season.

In the shirt department, colorful
striped styles, longer and straighter in
the collar, are being teamed with
French cuffs, which are perfect for
showing off a pair of heirloom cuff
links. The colors of the season are na-
ture's choice, a kaleidoscope of hues
and shades for creating autumn com-
fort and winter warmth. Dark, rich
browns worn with navy are like the
old soldiers of traditional fashion
trends—timeless and elegant. Black-
and-white tweeds are the new re-
cruits, ready for action, casual or
formal. Accent colors—dark greens
and chartreuse—complete the sea-
sonal look. Top all of this off with
a peaked pocket square and a dark-
faced wrist watch with a rich leath-
er band and step out in style.

THE U.S. OLYMPIC
TRAINING TABLE

our athletes may be going
for the gold, but the compa-
nies that sponsor them are
muscling up for the green

article By PAUL ENGLEMAN Perhaps you've no-
ticed that, unlike in past years, every third cookie and breakfast
cereal in your local grocery is not an official product of the US.
Olympic team. This situation did not come about by chance. It
reflects a shift in the Olympic-sponsorship structure from indi-
vidual products to corporate sponsors.

Of the 41 sponsors of the 1988 US. Olympic team, only eight
are in the food category. This does not mean that our athletes
aren't getting fed. It means that the chow is coming from fewer
sources. Based on the products that the food sponsors produce,
here is an artist's conception of the Olympic training table. For a
more complete appreciation of food sponsors, read on.

Long before America's best amateur athletes competed for
the honor of representing the U.S.A. in Seoul, South Korea, the
country's leading corporations were battling one another for
the more tangible rewards that may accrue from Olympic spon-
sorship. And you might be surprised at the prizes. Familiar U.S.
giants—Coca-Cola, Eastman Kodak, Federal Express, 3M,
"Time, Inc., and VISA—have all become official sponsors of this
year's Olympic team from . . . Brunei. Of course, Brunei was not
singled out. Those companies are also sponsoring teams from
Bahrein, Belize and Botswana.

It’s all part of a major change in Olympic marketing. In 1988,
for the first time, the International Olympic Committee (1.О.С.

is selling world-wide sponsorships. Nine corporations paid an
average of $14,000,000 each for the privilege of paying more
than lip service to the trendiest buzz words in international
marketing—global strategy, local tactics.

Here's how it all started (try to keep the initials straight!):

In 1985, the 1. hired LS.L. Licensing AG of Switzerland
to negotiate rights fees with all 167 national Olympic commit-
tees (N.O.C.s) and resell them in a global-sponsorship package
called The Olympic Program (T.O.R). Rob Prazmark, the
enthusiastic marketing VP. for LS.L. in New York, says the
LO.C. realized it was at an important juncture before the 1984

ILLUSTRATION BY ROY PENOLETON

PLAYBOY

games. Funding had become too depend-
ent on TV revenue and, with the Los An-
geles and Sarajevo committees aggres-
sively selling sponsorships to amass a
combined total of $147,000,000, there
was too much confusion over rights.

However, the biggest concern, says
Prazmark, was that “teams were becom-
ing polarized. Fifteen or 20 teams could
raise money but countries such as
Ethiopia had no government support, no
private-sector support. In 1984, for the
poorer countries, it became an Olympic
event just to get them there.”

LS.L. made a list of 18 global indus-
tries and broke it into 44 product cate-
gories. Although unable to get coverage
in every industry and category LS.L.
managed to persuade 154 N.O.C.s and

nine corporations to participate in the
program, raising about $125,000,000.
The revenue from those companies alone
equals the total funding that Peter Uc-
berroth raised from all sponsors of the
1984 Summer Games.

The LO.C. distributes the fees paid by
Ihe companies “in about 157 ways,” Praz-
mark says. A portion goes to the organiz-
ing committees of the games, and the
balance is spread proportionately among
the N.O.Cs of each country Thus, the
United States Olympic Committee, rep-
resenting the American market, receives
a bigger share of the loot than, say the
committee from Burkina Faso.

In return for their ТО.Р contribu-
tions, the companies get use of the five
interlocking Olympic rings, the privilege

“Were no longer into the official
widget,” says John Krimsky, Jr., deputy

secretary general of the U.S.O.C. "If Skippy

peanut butter is my sponsor, and it is, then I

am not going to permit six other brands of

peanut butter to advertise as sponsors of the 1988 Olympic

team." Ш To avoid the product clutter, the U.S.O.C. broadened

its categories. M&M/Mars, the official snack food of 1984, wanted to be a

sponsor, but, Krimsky says, "They wanted me to define confections as
snack foods. And 1 could not define a piece of candy as a pora chip."

Instead, he sold a category called "confections and
snack foods” to Nabisco. Ш Here are the participat-
ing companies and their products. Campbell Tag-
gart: Break Cake, whole-grain breads. Coca-Cola: |
Coke, Minute Maid orange juice, Sprite, Tab. CPC
Best Foods: Karo corn syrup, Golden Griddle pan-

cake syrup, Hellmann's mayonnaise, Mazola Oil, Mueller's pasta, Skippy
peanut butter. General Foods: Maxwell House Coffee. Holly Farms:

preroasted

chicken. Maverick Ranch

Association: fresh and frozen beef and beef

products.

McDonald's. RJR/Nabisco:

Buuerfinger, Del Monte Fruit Snacks, Life
Savers, Planters nuts and snacks. And from its
Biscuit Divisi sion: Almost UIS Family Sols

Lorna Doone Shortbread, Nile
Butter Sandwich Cookies, Oreo
Sandwich Cookies, Premium
ers, Ritz Crackers, Triscuit
Thins Snack Crackers and

Butter Peanut

Chocolate

Saltine Crack-

Wafers, Wheat
=> others.

of sponsoring the Winter and Summer
Games, on-site exclusivity to show and
sell their service or product, and—this is
the big one—permission to call them-
selves sponsors of each of the 154 nation-
al teams in the program.

So it is that Brother Industries, a
Japanese company, promotes itself in
Canada as the proud sponsor of the
Canadian Olympic team and in the US.
as the proud sponsor of the U.S. Olympic
team. The structure makes for a truly
curious marketing spectacle: nine fer-
vently capitalist companies engaging in a
program of global socialism that tran-
scends petty nationalism—all the while
exploiting nationalistic sentiment—for
the purpose of advancing international
capitalism. The system works!

Just what is an Olympic sponsorship
worth? In a 1985 survey conducted by
LS.L. in Portugal, Singapore, West Ger-
many and the U.S, the Olympic rings
carned a bronze medal in logo iden-
tification, with Shell and McDonald's tak-
ing the gold and the silver. The research
showed that a majority of people in each
country believe the Olympic symbol “sig-
nifies endorsement of the product by or-
ganizers of the games” and that about
One third of the people in each country
are more likely to buy a product carrying
the Olympic designation.

Persuasive stuff, but the ТО.Р. spon-
sorship fee is still a lot of money. “Too
much,” says Warner Canto, marketing
VP for American Express, which turned
down 1.5.1.5 $15,500,000 invitation.
LS.L. cut the asking price to $14,500,000
and found a buyer in VISA. In the battle
of the plastic, VISA was quick to capital-
ize on its buy: For its ongoing advertising
assault on American Express, it used the
headline "Ar THE 1938 OLYMPICS, THEY WILL
HONOR SPEED, STAMINA AND SKILL. BUT NOT
AMERICAN EXPRESS."

VISA promotion manager Christine
Koncal says that U.S. sales, which account
for 65 percent of VISA's business, in-
creased 20 percent during the fourth
quarter of 1987, when the company was
running its "Pull for the team" promo-
tion, in which a portion of cardholder-
transaction fees was donated to the
US. team. That was nine percent more
than VISA bean counters had projected,
and the program is continuing through
Sepiember. But perhaps the biggest gain
for VISA was an agreement it reached to
issue credit cards in the Soviet Union.

.
While the new global-sponsorship
structure has improved the over-all
Olympic-funding outlook, it threatens to
dilute national allegiances. How will a
U.S. fan feel on learning that Coca-Cola
is also funding the Soviet team? LS.L.’s
(concluded on page 164)

“My gosh! What did І look like before the surgery?!”

SAUCY

AUSSIE

fire up the barbie, boys, and say g’day to playmate shannon long

SHANNON LONC is your basic girl
next door, if next door is 12,000
miles away She comes from the
little town of Surfers Paradise,
on the eastern coast of Aus-
tralia, about an hour from Bris-

bane. The guys there are big,

and loud, in a yobbo way, still
calling girls sheilas and drink-
ing their Castlemaine XXXX
beer. "Don't let the ads fool
you," Shannon advises. "We
have regional loyalties. Foster's
is the beer to drink in New
South Wales. Victoria Bitter
is the Melbourne brew In
Queensland, we drink 4X. If
you don't, everyone gives you
heat” Shannon is explaining
Australia as she sits in a Chi-
cago hotel room eating—what
else?—a Vegemite sandwich.

“Тус had it on toast almost

lived in Sydney for about
nine months. | found myself
stressed. If | see 100 people
in a day, | feel crowded.”

ten ге cuss Sex.

you take home to Mom”

every day of my life. The first

time 1 came to the United
States to test for the centerfold,
1 didn't bring any. Never again."

Shannon attended a school
where the curriculum included
certain frontier essentials. "We
had to raise two chickens and
pluck them for our final exam.
1 got Mom to swap a pinched

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYD,

duck—a dressed chicken—I
couldn't kill ре

We asked Shannon her opin-
ion of the "Crocodile" Dundee
movies. "He got the guys right
I grew up with four brothers,
listening to them exaggerate. A
few ripples on the ocean be-
came great surf, a small catch
became a super fish, a scratch
became a fight with a full-

blown crocodile. But mostly, he

got the laid-back atmosphere.

You work a few months, you
take off for a few months for
a little adventure. It’s such a
young country there's such a
freshness, no one is eager to set-
tle down into one job, one
house, one life. You have to en-

joy the freshness" Enjoy hers.

"| get homesick talking
about Austr. You should
see it: rain forests, rock
pools, deserted beaches.”

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

NAME: SHAAN: 6
мен. "Sé" warst: ӘЛ нге. MS
m: ©' S" нетен: СМ lbs.

BIRTH DATE: IM Eze, 69 BIRTHPLACE: GLAOSTEE, AUSTRALIA _
AMBITIONS: ТО GE HAPPY + SOCCESSPOL IM) WHATEDOER —

L CHOOSE TO DO IN HY LIFE + TO Око MM ONO HOME

TURN-OFFS: OIRTY BATHROOMS , PHYSICAL ТИПТЕ
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PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

Two politicians decided to put aside their diffe
ences and go deer hunting together. Deep in the
woods, one stumbled on a rock and accidentally
shot the other. In a panic, he dragged the wound-
ed man ten miles back to the car, then sped to the
nearest hospital

An hour later, a doctor came out of surgery.
“I'm sorry. E couldn't save him,” he told the wai
ing man. “You did well to get him here so fast
But.” he added, shaking his head sadly “you
shouldnt have gutted him first.”

A New York critics acerbic theatrical criticisms
have prompted some targets of his attacks 10
refer to him as the ultimate cast rater.

An Englishman, а Scotsn ad an Irishman
were without tickets for the opening ceremonies
of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to
talk their way in at the gate. Security was very
tight, however, and each of th attempts was
met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium,
the Englishman came upon a construction site,
which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length
of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate
and said, "Johnson, the pole vault.” and was
admitted,

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once
to search the site. When he came up with a sledge
hammer, he presented himself at the gate and
said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also ad-
mitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour
and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted
his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he pre-
sented himself at the gate and announced,
“O'Sulliv fencing."

Whats Tammy Faye Bakker's idea of natural
childbirth? No make-up

A young man wrote to his parents from college
that he had met the girl of his dreams and that
he was bringing her home for the weekend.

When the couple arrived, his parents were
shocked. His mother pulled him aside and whis-
стей, "You said she was young! She looks
least forty!”

His father whispered, “You said she was a
knockout. She looks like a plucked chicken!"

"You said she was intelligent,” his mother con-
ued in a hushed voice. “She acts like an idiot.”
Why are you all whispering?” the son asked.
“She's deaf, too."

A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a
cross-country Hight. An attractive flight attend-
ant asked them if they would like cocktails.

Yes," the rabbi said, “Га manhatt,
please.

“No, thank you,” the priest said, turning to ex-
plain to his seatmate. “As a priest, I cant drink or
fornicate.

Wait a second,” the rabbi said, standing and
waving at the flight attendant. “E didn't know I
had a choice.

While walking in the park, Corky the cocker
spaniel wagged his tail in friendly greeting to a
Russian wolf hound.

"How do vou like it in America?” Corky asked

“Well, its different from my homeland," the
wolfhound replied. “In Russia, I have my own
doghouse made of rare Siberian wood, And in
Russia, | sleep on a rug made of thick ermine.”
sounds great,” Corky said. “Why'd you ever
come to the U.S.

“I like to bark once ir

x while.”

A woman called a health club and sobbed into
the phone that her husband had just given her a
present that she couldnt fit into.

The receptionist gave her an appointment and
added, “Don't worry, madam, well have you
wearing that dress in по time.”

"Dress? п wailed. "Its a Porsche

AN
с.

Al NE

Three soldiers in a foxhole were talking. “You
know,” one said, “I can put ten beer cans on my
cock when its hard."

"So, big deal,” the second said. “I can lay eleven
silver dollars along mine when it’s hard.”

"Thirteen blackbirds can perch on mine when
it’s hard,” boasted the third.

Just then, the enemy opened fire. A ba
bullets whizzed overhead and mortar rounds be-
gan exploding within fect of their position. “I
gotta tell the truth,” the first terrified СІ shouted
above the din. "I can only get three beer cans оп
my cock when irs hard.”

“lo be honest,” the second admitted, “I can
only lay three silver dollars on mine when it’s
hard.”

“OK. OK,” the third screamed after a thunder-
ous explosion, “the thirteenth blackbird has to
stand on one fool”

rage of

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy
Playboy Bldg, 919 N. Michigan Aw., Chicago.
IH. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

“1 did her in ой, I did her in bronze, I did her in terra cotta.
I also did her in Phoenix, Fresno and Chicago.”

THE GREAT DIVIDE

article By STUDS TERKEL

lier decades, even in the silent Fifties: memory. Today, amnesia is much easier

to come by. As technology has become more hyperactive, we, the people, have
become more laid back; as the deposits in its memory banks have become fatter,
the deposits in man’s memory bank have become leaner. It is the Law of Diminish-
ing Enlightenment at work.

Ironically enough, Jacob Bronowski observed, the average person today knows
more facts about the world than Isaac Newton did, though considerably less truth.
Certainly, we know more facts, overwhelmingly trivial though they be, than any of
our antecedents. But as for knowing the truth about ourselves and others. .. .

The World Book Encyclopedia defines the Great Divide as a series of mountain
ranges that crosses the North American continent and divides it into two great wa-
tersheds. А second divide now splits our count y, one tiat bespeaks more dian Ше
deepening chasms between the haves, the have-nots and the have-somewhats. It is
the rift of race that, at times, appears to close and then casually widens, not unre-
lated to having and not having. It is the split in the sphere of worship, rendering
unto Caesar what may not rightfully be his and unto God what may not spiritually
be His. It is the cleft that has cut us off, onc from the other and, indeed, from our
very selves. It is the breach that has cut off past from present.

ATV Wunderkind explains, “In the past ten years, we've shifted to faster com-
munication. We depend on these little bursts, these little sound bites. All good
politicians, as well as good advertisers, lay out their programs in something that
will play in ten to 12 seconds on the nightly news.”

In an old burlesque skit, the second banana, a Dutch comic in baggy pants,
challenges the first: “Qvick, vat’s you philosophy of life in fife seconds?” The bald-
heads, pot bellies and pimply faces in the audience (I was one) roar at the randy
though succinct riposte. Today's TV anchor person asks the same thing of the

І HEREIS an attribute lacking in the Eighties that was throbbingly present in ear-

the pulitzer prize-winning oral historian examines
a country split at the seams

ILLUSTRATION BY ROBERT GIUSTI

PLAYBOY

expert. It is deadly solemn in the asking,
equally so in the response and duly ac-
knowledged by the audience. Nobody's
laughing.

Repeated often enough and authorita-
tively enough, on televised Sunday morn-
ings, by pundits of familiar face and
equally familiar Cabinet members and
the even more familiar elder statesman,
the Doctor (who evokes startling memo-
ries of the Dutch comic), the announced
idea becomes official. Yet something un-
official is happening out there.

Consider the market-research man—
an up-and-coming father, an archetypal
middle American. He was foreman of a
jury that acquitted four odd birds (in-
cluding a Catholic nun) who had, in the
spirit of Isaiah, committed an act of civil
disobedience. He, a fervent believer in
law and order, experienced something of
a small epiphany. "We are quiet people,"
he said, "quiet in our disturbance. But
once confronted with facts, they're really
hard to let go. You start asking yourself,
What can I begin to do?

"We see on the news today that some-
thing happened. A week later, something
else is presented as though it's just as im-
portant. It's got the same kind of empha-
sis in the speaker's voice. All of a sudden,
last week is gone behind us. A year ago is
even further gone. How we blow up
things that aren't important and never
talk about things that are important."

In dealing with time present, memory
is absent, stunningly so, among the
young. "I am struck by the basic absence
of historical memory in this years—or
any year's—college freshmen," says a his-
tory professor in "Texas. "These young
students are not the children but, rather,
the grandchildren of the atomic age,
born almost a quarter of a century after
Hiroshima and Nagasaki They have
never known a time when nuclear
weapons did not exist. As my freshmen
might ask, ‘Why bother? "

Could Henry Ford have been right aft-
er all, that history is bunk?

Despite such bleak communiqués from
the academic front, a subtle change of cli-
mate may be detected as we approach the
Nineties. Courses on Vietnam and its his-
tory are among the most popular in a
surprising number of colleges. A profes-
sor of Russian history tells me that his
classes are standing room only.

Although Гуе come across depressing-
ly many 18-year-olds who admire J. R.
Ewing "because he kicks butts,” a young
instructor in journalism has discovered
that. his students insist on asking about
professional ethics. "This year, nobody in
dass asked me how much I make.” The
majority of recent graduates at a college
in the Northwest accepted a pledge "to
take into account the social and environ-
mental consequences of any job opportu-
nity I consider."

Don't bet the farm on it (if there is any
farm left to bet), but there does appear to
be a new kid on the block. This one is not
a Sixties remainder nor an Eighties au-
tomaton; not as stormy as the first nor as
air-conditioned as the second. He is more
ambivalent, perhaps, yet possibly more
reflective.

To intimate that these new kids are the
kids of the future would, unfortunately,
be far off the mark. They are a baby-
faced Gideons army, considerably
outnumbered by their peers who cheer
on Rambo and disparage wimps. Yet
the new kids may reflect something
in the others, something unfashionable
for the moment and thus hidden away,
something “fearful”: compassion. Or
something even more to abjure: hope.

At an extension college in Little Rock,
the students damned the victims of
AIDS— "They deserve to die." Yet on see-
ing a documentary film about those they
damned, they wept softly Their teacher
attributed the overt absence of generous
heart to their thoughts of eventual Ar-
mageddon. "With absence of hope, I
found absence of generosity. Why both-
er?" But why did they weep?

"These young, who wept for those they
damned, may offer the challenge as yet
unrecognized. In a wholly different con-
text, Tom Paine remarked that the na-
ture of infidelity to oneself is professing
to believe what one does not believe.
Could that be our “dirty little secret”?

A hunger for belief is certainly no less
today than it was in the past. It is the na-
ture of belief that may have changed. In
the time lapse, new phenomena have tak-
en over our lives and psyches: the Cold
War, the sanctity of the military, union
busting beyond precedent (encouraged
by the cravenness of labor's Pooh-Bahs),
along with televised sound bites offered
with the regularity of a cuckoo clock and
a press that has assiduously followed the
dictum of Sam Rayburn: To get along, go
along. As a result, reflective conversa-
tions concerning these matters have be-
come suspect or at best, vestigial
remainders of a long-gone past.

A daughter of Appalachia may have
put her finger on it: "We've gotten away
from our imaginations. T he reason we're
image-struck is because we don't like who
we are. The more we get over this fake
stuff, the more chance we've got to keep
our sanity and self-respect.”

VOICES ACROSS THE GREAT DIVIDE

SEAN KELLY: Hes 27. At Bowling Green
State University in Ohio, he teaches three
composition courses.

“1 was 24 at the time I started, just a
few years older than my students. They
called me Professor Kelly.

"There's a six-, seven-year difference
between us, yet when I mention the
Rolling Stones, I could be talking about

Tommy Dorsey. The gap is enormous.
They were born in 67, 68, coming of age
in a blackout generation when nobody re-
ally talked about Vietnam. They have no
idea who Nixon is. Most of their thoughts
of Vietnam come from this surge of tele-
vision interest. They've rewritten Viet-
nam history In Magnum, P.I. and Simon
€ Simon, the protagonists are Vietnam
veterans. They use flashbacks and a wave
of patriotism for show plots: Go back and
get the POWs. Rambo is a perfect
example, They're refighting Vietnam as
though it were World War Two.

“I've had several students tell me we
won in Vietnam. They've become so used
to the Hollywood version, where we
know exactly what we're doing and that
we're right. Nobody innocent ever really
gets hurt, and there's glory when you die.

“They've been hearing Reagan's view
of the world regularly. They love him.
Before the last election, Reagan came to
the campus to speak. Five or six heli-
copters landed; he came in. It was care-
fully orchestrated. The students were
very excited. Ironic, because it was just at
the time he was cutting student aid, That
didn't matter. He was a celebrity, some-
body famous. Just the way they'd have
been excited if Sylvester Stallone had
come—or Bruce Springsteen.

“I asked them, ‘If war were declared
against Nicaragua, how many of you
would just pack up your bags and leave
tomorrow?’ All but two said they'd go. I
followed up: ‘Who would we be fighting
for? What side would we support? Would
we support the government of Nicara-
gua?’ The two knew. The other 26 didnt
know.

"They've become so conditioned to not
make waves, even though they might get
killed for something they didn't under-
stand. Or kill the wrong people.”

LARRY HEINEMANN: He has written two
novels based on his experience m Vietnam.
His second, “Pacos Story” won the 1987
National Book Award.

“Some guys are bemoaning that they
didn't share the rite of passage, fighting
in Vietnam. They regret they have no
war stories to tell. I would trade them my
stories and my grief any time.

“1 got drafted in May of '66. I was in
combat from March of '67 to March of
'68, a couple of months after the Tet of-
fensive began. I left Vietnam on a Sun-
day afternoon at four o'clock and was
home in my own bedroom Tuesday
morning at two. Half the people in my
platoon were either dead or in the
hospital.

“It was clear from the first day that it
was a bunch of bullshit. We were there to
shoot off a bunch of ammo and kill a
bunch of people. We were really indiffer-
ent. The whole country was indifferent:
“Why are we fighting in Vietnam?"

(continued on page 164)

PLAYBOY’S PIGSKIN PREVIEW

our pre-season picks of the top college teams and players

sports By GARY COLE

ITS TIME to dig out the orange slacks, matching sweater and
color-coordinated stadium cushion, lay in a fresh supply of
blue face paint, brush off the old hog hat and get the gorilla
suit from the dry cleaner. From now until the final bowl game
in January (the Hyundai Kiwi Bowl, isn't it?), you'll spend Sat-
urday afternoons in the grandstand seats handed down from
your Uncle Harry cheering, eating and drinking your way
through another glorious college football season. Of course, if
you're a committed couch potato, you'll be hunkered in front
of the TV set, remote in one hand, a brew in the other. It may
get better than this, but not often.

So, naturally, it's time for our annual predictions on the who
and what of college football. Will Joe Pa-

terno discover Argyle socks? Will Jimmy with research by NANCY MOUNT

TOP 20 TEAMS

- Florida State
Oklahomo
Clemson
Miami
Nebrosko
lowa
Notre Dame
West Virginia.

. Michigan State
Tennessee
Michigan. .
Auburn
Texas A&M
Georgio.
Alabama
South Carolina

. Washington.
UCLA ....
Penn Stote.
Pittsburgh

Possible Breakthroughs: Texas-El Pos
(9-3), Air Force (8-4), Wyoming (8-4),
Oklahoma State (7-4), Colorodo (7-4),
Florido (7-4), Syrocuse (7-4),

Arizano (7-4), Southern

Californie (7-4), Texas

(7-4), Boston College

(7-4), Brighom

Young (7-5),

Lauisiono State

16-5), Ohio

Stote (6-5),

Stote (6-5).

Florida State running
back Sammie Smith
will lead the
Seminoles in their
bid for the

national title.

Johnson's hair get mussed? Will Oklahoma introduce a reso-
lution demanding that the University of Miami play in the
N.EL.? We don't know. But we do know the likely top-20 col-
lege football teams for the coming season.

1. FLORIDA STATE

A two-point conversion that failed: That's all that stood be-
tween Florida State and a perfect season last year. But coach
Bobby Bowden has no regrets about going for the win in
FSU's 26-25 loss to Miami. That's because he has probably
the most talented group of college football players in the na-
tion, ready to make another run for the national champi-

onship this season.

There are three Playboy All-Americas

THE 1988 PLAYBOY

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ALL-AMERICA TEAM

кексе Nebraska; Deion Sanders (2), defensive bock, Florida State;
ме lineman, Miami; Louis още (IB): defen: ive back, Flo
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118

THE PLAYBOY ALL-AMERICAS

Playboy's College Football Coach of the Year is JACKIE SHERRILL Of Texas A&M.
In six seasons there, he has a 45-23-1 record, including a 29-7 mark over the
past three years. His over-all record as a head coach is 98-40-2, making him
number 12 in winning percentage among active Division I coaches. Sherrill has
coached the Aggies to three straight S. W.C. championships.

OFFENSE
‘TROY AIKMAN—Quarterback, 6", 217
pounds, UCLA, senior. Completed
65.2 percent of his passes last year for
2527 yards and 17 T.D.s. Ranked sec-
ond nationally in passing efficiency.
ERIC METCALF—Running back, 5'9",
178 pounds, Texas, senior. S.WC. Of-
fensive Player of the Year. Rushed for
1161 yards and ten T.D.s. Son of for-
mer N.EL. great Terry Metcalf, who
was a Playboy All-America in 1972.
BOBBY HUMPHREY—Running Баск,
6'1”, 187 pounds, Alabama, senior.
S.E.C. Offensive Player of the Year in
1987. Already Alabama's all-time lead-
ing rusher (3228 yards) and ninth
leading rusher in S.E.C. history.
SAMMIE sMITH—Running back, 6'2",
220 pounds, Florida State, junior.
Ninth in nation in rushing last year,
averaged 7.1 yards per carry.
HART LEE DYKES— Wide receiver, 6'4",
220 pounds, Oklahoma State, senior.
All-Big Eight past two years. Had 64
catches last year for 1050 yards, a 16.4-
yard-per-catch average.
LAWYER TILLMAN— Wide receiver, 6'4",
224 pounds, Auburn, senior. All-
S.E.C. last year. Averaged 18.7 yards
per catch, one T.D. every five catches.
JOE TOFFLEMIRE—Offensive lineman,
6'3", 262 pounds, Arizona, sen-
ior. First-team Pac 10 for two years.
MIKE ZANDOFSKY—Offensive lineman,
6:2”, 290 pounds, Washington, senior.
Probably the best pass blocker in West.
‘TONY MANDARICH— Offensive lineman,
6'6", 315 pounds, Michigan State,
senior. Runs the 40 in 4.69 seconds.
ANTHONY PHiLLIPS-Offensive line-
man, 6'3”, 285 pounds, Oklahoma,
senior. Has the chance to be only the
fourth player in Big Eight history to
make all-conference four times.
PAT TOMBERLIN—Offensive lineman,
6'4", 305 pounds, Florida State, sen-
ior. Started every game since he was a
freshman. Part of offensive line that
allowed only six regular-season sacks.
BARRY SANDERS—Kick returner, 5'8",
197 pounds, Oklahoma State, junior.
Asa sophomore, led N.C.A.A. in kick-
off returns, averaging 31.3 yards on
15 returns, two for TD.s.
COLLIN MACKIE—Place kicker, 5'10",
165 pounds, South Carolina, sopho-
more, Led the N.C.A.A. in field goals
last season as a freshman, with 25 out
of 32. Was 38 for 38 on PA.Ts.

DEFENSE
MARK MESSNER—Defensive lineman,
63", 244 pounds, Michigan, senior.
Тор returning tackler from last year's
Wolverine team. Fifth on Michigan's
all-time tackles-for-losses list.
TRACY ROCKER—Defensive lineman,
63", 258 pounds, Auburn, senior.
Only junior among the four Lom-
bardi finalists last year. Ended the sea-
son with 75 tackles, including 44
solos, despite missing last two games.
BILL HAWKINS—Defensive lineman,
66“, 260 pounds, Miami, senior. De-
scribed by Miami coach Jimmy John-
son as his most consistent player at
any position over the past two years.
JOHN ROPER—Linebacker, 6'2”, 230
pounds, Texas A&M, senior. S. WC.
Defensive Player of the Year last year.
BRODERICK THOMAS—Linebacker, 6:37,
235 pounds, Nebraska, senior.
All-Big Eight last year, had 73 tackles
(41 solo) "The Sandmam" was a
Playboy All-America last year.
KEITH DELONG— Linebacker, 6'2", 219
pounds, Tennessee, senior. Led team
in tackles last year with 125, 87 unas-
sisted. Keith is the son of Outland tro-
phy winner Steve DeLong, a Playboy
All-America in 1964.
DERRICK THOMAS—Linebacker, 647,
222 pounds, Alabama, senior. All-
SEC. last year. Led the S.E.C. in
sacks, with 18 for 142 yards lost.
MARKUS PAUL—Defensive back, 6'2”,
200 pounds, Syracuse, senior. Started
every game of collegiate career at free
safety. Has 15 career interceptions.
One of two juniors who were finalists
for Jim Thorpe Award.
DONNELL woOLFORD— Defensive back,
5'10", 195 pounds, Clemson, senior.
First cornerback to be chosen first-
team all-America in Clemson history.
1005 OLIVER—Defensive back, 6'2”,
227 pounds, Florida, senior. First-team
SEC. last year, had five intercep-
tions, 19 pass deflections, 72 tackles.
DEION SANDERS— Defensive back, 6'0",
193 pounds, Florida State, senior.
Madc every all-America list last sca-
son. Last ycar had 46 solo tackles.
Averaged 11.9 yards per punt return.
CHRIS. BECKER—Punter, 6/2",
pounds, Texas Christi
team all-S.WC. In
punted 193 times for 43.9-yard aver-
age, with 38 punts inside 20-yard line,
21 inside ten-yard line.

on the Seminoles: cornerback Deion
Sanders, the best in the nation, running
back Sammie Smith, a prime candidate
for the Heisman, and offensive tackle Pat
Tomberlin, Bowden's pick as the best of-
fensive lineman in the country 10-1

2. OKLAHOMA

The Sooners have lost more good foot-
ball players from last year’s team than
most other good football teams have, but
Barry Switzer's gang will still be in the
national-championship hunt. If Okla-
homa knew how to beat Miami, it would
be sitting on three consecutive national
crowns.

Quarterback Jamelle Holieway returns
for his final year following a knee injury
that knocked him out of the final three
games of last season. Sophomore Charles
Thompson, who played so well as his re-
placement against Nebraska, is ready if
needed. On the offensive line, Playboy
All-America Anthony Phillips and center
Bob Latham are explosive blockers. The
only question on offense is a replacement
for tight end Keith Jackson. Defensively,
the line is solid. There will be some new
but talented bodies at linebacker and in
the secondary. 10-1

3.CLEMSON

Coach Danny Ford has 18 starters re-
turning from last years 10-2 team,
which ended the season with a 35-10
romp over Penn State in the Florida Cit-
rus Bowl. The Tigers rolled up 499 yards
in total offense in that game, 214 yards of
which came On the passing arm of quar-
terback Rodney Williams. If Clemson
can sustain a strong passing attack to go
with its always-strong running game, it
will dominate the Atlantic Coast Confer-
ence and contend for the national title.

Defensively, the secondary is led by
Playboy All-America Donnell Woolford,
perhaps the best defensive back in the
nation in man-to-man coverage. 10-1

4. MIAMI

Over the past five years, the University
of Miami racked up a 52-9 record, won
two national championships (1983 and
1987) and narrowly missed two others
(1985 and 1986). And every time the
Hurricanes send a star to the N.EL.,
there seems to be another ready to take
his place. Thus, Bernie Kosar begot Vin-
nic Testaverde, who begot Steve Walsh.

Jimmy Johnson has been the perfect
coach for the Hurricanes. His wide-open,
pro-style offense gets the attention, but
his defensive game plans often deserve
the credit. Just ask Oklahoma. Playboy
All-America defensive end Bill Hawkins
is Johnson's most consistent performer
on defense. Miami's schedule opens
tough, with games against Florida State
and Michigan. 9-2

(continued on page 170)

ҰЛАН

”

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7
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4

“Relax—all I want is a good table.”

118

i, buddy burns, hollywood idol,
have two main women—and a
monumental headache

HOOGIY

WOMEN BESET ME. But when you are a Holly-
wood hero, that is your lot in life. Let's face
it: Lots of people have worse lots and lots
worse, too. I’m a lucky stiff. Hoogly moogly.

Call me Buddy Burns, which is my charac-
ter's name in the only movie out of eight I've
made so far that I am not ashamed of. I have
two main women, and they have me, and,
oh, how miserable are we three. They're in
the movies, 100, wouldn't you know? Call
them Debbie and Sasha—not their real
names, of course.

Debbie is exactly half the age of Sasha,
and I am roughly in the middle. Debbie and
I met on the picture that made us stars, In-
vasion of the Wiffleheads. She calls me her
best friend. This is her way of denying that I
am in love with her. I have to tell myself that
it’s her mind I love, because her famous bod-
ily unit heretofore has been off limits.

“You could have ten million girls that
way” she says when, after perhaps 13
flaskets of sake, I attempt to reach up her
skirt one night in the dark little Japanese
place off Highway One in Oxnard where no-
body bothers us. She squirms out of my
reach,

“It's not as though I just want to drain my
gland, you know.”

“But it would change everything, Buddy.”

Technically, Debbie is still married to an-
other of the screen's leading heartthrobs, a
self-infatuated cad so afflicted with the need
to hump anything that draws a breath in the
Los Angeles Basin that he makes satyriasis
seem like a simple attitude problem. The
celebrity mags would have us running in a
pack, like so many Rottweilers, but that is
hardly the case. In fact, we have met exactly
twice, across the court at a couple of charity
tennis tournaments, when the cad thrashed.
me in straight sets. More disastrous, he exer-
dises some sexual hoodoo power that holds
his wife in humiliating thrall. She talks to
me about it all the time without ever really
making it comprehensible. Me, the sympa-
thetic friend. The good listener.

“Does he have a big thingie, or what?” I
ask as we drive up Victory Boulevard during
a stolen hour after the day's shooting.

“Look”—she ignores my question and
points into the (continued on page 134)

MOOGLY

fiction
By JAMES HOWARD KUNSTLER

ILLUSTRATION BY STEPHEN TURK

5 SARA N Е
LK
ELLE SSS
CEE OY /
CEES 7 (8)
Y О-о Y
p SY

0 QUE

S TIONS

MORTON DOWNEY, JR.

orton Downey, Jr, debuted his shout-
and-shock style of TV talk show on
Black Monday, October 19, 1987, on super-
station WWOR in Secaucus, New Jersey.
He has since roared lo nationally syndicated
success, portraying Ihe leading vulgarian
of our time. The son of famous parents—
Morton Downey, Sr, was revered as the
“Irish minstrel boy” and Barbara Bennett
Ee) one of the Bennett sisters— Juniors
tactics seem designed to
Sender Rina infamous. Writer-publisher Al
Goldstein spoke with Doumey the day after
he appeared on the Phil Donahue show and
publicly swore off his trademark cigarettes.
Five minutes into his talk with Goldstein,
Downey took up the habit again, continu-
ing to puff furiously throughout the inter-
view

PLAYBOY: On your show, you have the ad-
vantage and you can practice bullyboy
tactics, because you're controlling the mi-
crophone and the camera angles. Doesn't
that serve to intensify your arrogance?

DOWNEY: Thats possible. I remember
when 1 was a kid and 1 tried to speak out
in my family, it was always “Keep still!
Quiet!” When my mother was giving
parties with her sisters, Joan and Con-
stance, it was “Get the kids up to the bed-
room; don't let them down in the party;
we don't want anybody to know we have
kids that old.” So 1 was held under a
bushel long enough. When 1 spit out my
silver spoon, I decided I would speak out
on the issues—on civil rights, for exam-
ple—long before it was fashionable. 1 felt
that I should speak out—not to change
people's minds as much as to give them

5 di another Bh to
Ws rowdiest рып the. May
talk-show
host takes

grow.
2.
on today's

PLAYBOY: One of
your favorite
taunts is “Pablum
puker.” Definition,

ii | please.
weighty issues: Downey: When we
Ч were kids, we were
gay rights, fed Pablum, all
В и? That's baby
racism and food. Its shoved

into us and we spit
it back out again.
Well, The New York
Times is the leader
of the Pablum

tv ratings

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BENNO FRIEDMAN

pukers. It serves up all this Pablum to the
so-called intellectuals, who read it, be-
lieve it's the truth and puke it back out as
fact.

PLAYBOY: Given your questionable aca-
demic credentials—a Ph.D. from a diplo-
ma mill—what makes you think you are
qualified to deal with the weighty issues
discussed on your show?

DOWNEY: | attended Valley Christian Uni-
versity for three years. 1 attended 12
weeks of classes, ten hours a day, four
times each year. 1 had to write a disserta-
cion, which was published at one point
by the Department of Health, Education
and Welfare—when it was still called
that. It was titled “The Economics of
Abortion in a Capitalist Society” My
diploma may be dubious, but I'm pleased
with it. It says, ISSUED UNDER THE AUTHORI-
ТҮ OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.

PLAYBOY: Your producers call your audi-
ence “The Beast.” Isn't there a flavor of
yahooism. of mob rule, to your show?
Downey: People in my audience want
someone to listen to them. Now they ve
got someone who will listen, and they can
have a voice. When you do that, you no
longer have a mob, you have a responsive
constituency.

PLAYBOY: Would you defend someone
whom your audience hated even at the
risk of offending your viewers?

DOWNEY: A perfect example is my broth-
er, Tony [who talked about his homosexu-
lity on the show and who is dying of
AIDS]. When he told me he wanted to do
that show, I thought, OK, Гуе got a totally
different persona in the eyes of many
people. ІГІ do this show, there are going
to be some people who are going to slight
me for it. That's tough shit. I'm going to
do whatever the fuck I think is right. I'm
not going to change my positions or my
opinions because they are favorable or
unfavorable with the majority or with the
minority. I’ve got to be true to myself or I
can't be true to the people out there.

PLAYBOY: Morton Downey on sex: "The
purpose of sex is procreation, maybe a
little recreation." But that comment came
within the context of a discussion on ho-
mosexuality. Is being gay a perversion?

DowNEY: The anus is an exit, not an en-

trance. Some guy falls in love with anoth-
er guy, they want to pet; 1 can under-
stand that. It certainly wouldnt be
attractive to me, though I've tried to
think: Is there any man I've ever known
I would feel comfortable kissing on the
lips? And I haven't come up with one, but
that doesn't mean that it’s impossible.

PLAYBOY: What is the inside of the Mira
Loma, California, jail like, where you
once spent 60 days for bad-check
charges?

поммғу: Mira Loma—let me tell you. ОҒ
course, I don't know what it is like today,
30 years later. First, they put you in the
LA. County lockup. You're in with every-
thing in the world you could expect to be
in with: murderers, car thieves, parking-
ticket violators. Then they move you into
a medium-security prison, which is
merely a dormitory. And then Mira Lo-
ma, out in the desert, surrounded by
fences about 14 feet high, with barbed-
wire rolls, Every 20 feet, a guard post,
with armed guards in the tower, and
lights. While I was Шеге, two guys were
injured, one guy killed—with filed-down
steel forks out of the mess hall. So the
first thing I did, of course, was team up
with the toughest guy. He got me on the
boxing team. They never bothered the
boxers. I got my brains beat out every
Friday, but it was worth it.

тилуво: If you were locked in a room
with Phil Donahue and Oprah Winfrey,
who would walk out alive?

Downey: Oh, I'd walk out alive, I guaran-
tee it. Phil Donahue is the master of the
talk-show interview. He is the contem-
plative antagonist, right? Hes the guy
who rolls his eyes when you answer a
question, who gives his own editorial
with facial expressions. Donahue is a po-
litical wimp. He tries to intellectualize
every issue. Well, theres no room for
intellectualizing every issue. Oprah Win-
frey is a magnificent lady She makes
every woman feel good. She makes every
woman realize you don't have to be white,
blonde-headed, with a 34-inch bust to be
а success.

PLAVBOY: Success spawns imitations. С.
Gordon Liddy is preparing his own talk
show. Can you hold your hand over an
open flame without wincing?

DOWNEY: №, І (concluded on page 156)

fasten your sun belts, guys, and meet the

GIRLS OF THE

SOUTHWEST CONFER

Out for a typical Texas joy ride (above) is this line-up of lovely ladies from Lubbock. From left, meet Kristi Farquhar, Pamela Brewer, Lun-
nitta Myers, Connie Swinney and Laura Borrington—five excellent reosons to attend Texas Tech University. Opting for on indoor setting is
Texas Techs Dawn Rudkins (below), on aerobics devotee ond future physical therapist. (By the way, fellas, Dawn daesrit go for the macho-
men routine: “I like men wha ore honest ond dawn to earth,” she says, "men who crerít afraid to show emotion." Read it and weep!)

ALMosT a decade ago, when Playboy was hopping
about the country in search of college ladies who
best ignited our national school spirit, we decided
to peek in ona popular cluster of nine campuses—
eightofthem in Texas, all of them part of the Bible
Belt—dubbed the N.C.A.A/s Southwest Confer-
ence. To our delight, what began as a photographic
shot in the dark turned out to be a winner: Be-
jeaned and bounteous, the Girls of the Southwest
Conference (Playboy, September 1980) brought city
boys to their knees and set men everywhere
dreaming of one-way tickets to the Sun Belt, Well,
we figgered eight years was enough time for y'all to
cool down—so we decided to go back. We asked
Playboy Contributing Photographers David Chan
and David Mecey (whose last pictorial collabora-
tion was Women of (text concluded on page 133)

Dor't let the name fool you: All ore not techies ot Texas Tech. For instance, heres
Shonnon Imle (left), оп Oklohoma gal who likes rock and roll, a good back rub
ond zipping around on her scooter. While you may think Liso Hyde (below) is оп
eyeful, shes also on earful: a d.j. at the school's KTXT radio station. Corin Block-
mon (bottom) is o feisty go-getter—especiclly when playing powder-puff footboll.

When osked about future plans, the University of Arkansas” Tracy Barton (left)
‚doesn't have to think twice: “1 want my nome to be inside every тегіс pants,” she
says with а smile, “as a briefs designer, that is.“ Designer labels cre less appealing
ta Trocys classmates Downa Rodgers-Early (below) and Јасп Moore (bottam).
Joan a philosophy major who relaxes with comic books; Dawna just loves to smile.

Hold on to your ten-gallon hats,
guys—heres a tria of determined
beauties from Southern Methodist
University in Dallas. Ann Adair
(opposite, top) wants to “reach a
level of prafessionalism unmatched
by most women and, at the same
time, maintain my femininity.” No
prablem there, we say. As for
Dawn Perdue (right), finding time
То relax is the only tosk she has yet
to master А “compulsive studier
who thrives on accomplishing new
things,” Dawn is headed for a co-
reer in marketing. And although
Missy Mitchell (for right) is also
hoping to make her mark on the
world, shes nat exactly sure in
what field that will be: Shes had
five mojorsin only two years at SMU.

Our hearts weren't the anly things recently won by U of
Houstarís Debra Garcia (cooling off before the com-
ero, below): She also boasts victaries in local bikini
and wet-T-shirt cantests. Surprised? We didn’t think sa.

On the subject of men, Baylor University’s Mary Katherine Brannon (top) and Па
Boretti (above) know just what they want—and don't want: While Mary Kates future
mate wan't be “ane of those guys who think with their sex organs,” Тіс5 Mr.
easy to spot—hes the tall, muscular ane who owns a fast car and likes to

University of Houston coed Kathrine Albright (left) says she has longed to be in
Playboy since before she could read. “I wanted to look just like the girls in Daddy's
magazines,” she soys. Intent on becoming her fomily' first “third-generation chemis-
try professor,” Kathrine is on admitted pushover for flowers and secret-admirer notes.

Houston's Stocey Hawkins (ей) knows the perfect way to pass time before passing
the bar: by hitting the beach, watching the soaps and eating junk food. Schoolmote
Shoryl Rudin (above) spends most of her off-study hours going to auditions and gear-
ing up for the big move to L.A., where she intends to become the next Donno Mills.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN AND DAVID MECEY

Planning one day to open her own enterpri:

of Texos' Sharon Elliott (left) is already showing signs
of business savvy: “The one thing I dislike about study-
ing," she says, "is that I'm not paid for my time."

: "rock
music, a bottle of wine ond a good-looking man.” Then again, schoolmote Mory Plasket (below) prefers things just o little live-
lier. A skiing/sciling/Frisbee fanatic, Mary eventually plans to follow in her dads footsteps ond become on undercover agent.

Lounging through study hour above is Terri Higgins, on amusement-pork enthusiast from the U of Texos. Once she graduates, Terri will jump to
the other side of the desk and teach high school biology. Also Texos coeds are Alexondra Hathaway (below left)—a sophomore who's into white
wine, red lipstick and Pink Floyd—ond Vanessa Hicks (below right), с future lawyer who confesses to an inexplicable crush on Ollie North.

Talk cbout the wonders of genetics: Not only does Texas Christian knockout Louro Pearse (below left) hove а twin brother, she also has 16-
year-old twin sisters. Lauras aiming to become the president of a lorge bank. And from Texas A&M, meet Heather Marion (below right), а song-

Also from TCU is Caitlin Thomas (above), anex-teacher from Las Cruces, New Mexico.
Determined to break the stereotype that “fall blondes are dumb,” Caitlin plans to
become an ace writer-reporter. And while Texas A&M's Leah Sternbaum is bent on
pening a seafacd restaurant in the heart of Dallas, the 97-pound Miami native says
only ane thing stands in her way: “canvincing people I'm ald enaugh to write checks.”

the Ivy League Revisited —Octo-
ber 1986) to high-tail it to the
heart of Texas—with a little side
step into Arkansas—and they
came back with a hot-blooded
cowboy fantasy. “The thing that
separates the women of the
Southwest from some of our
other college-women features,”
says Playboy Managing Photo
Editor Jeff. Cohen, “is that out
there, everybodys a hard body.
"That and the fact that there are
more allover tans. The body
consciousness is unbelievable."
Well, start believin; pardners, as
you say howdy to the women
of the Southwest Conference.

From Rice University in Houston,
heres Lisa Jaskolka (right), on “art
stuff“ student from New Orleans.
Lisa isn't sure what line of work
she'll head into, but she does know
it will be “creative ond reeeeeal
different.” Finally, meet another
Owl portisan, senior Barbara Anne
Noelle. Partial to risqué jokes,
white-sand beaches ond lace under-
wear, Barbara Anne has chosen
a profession perfectly suited ta
her sparkling beauty: gemmalogy.

PLAYBOY

134

HOOGLY MOOGLY (continued fron page 120)

“Just lying there on the bed, she is turning me on.
The woman is a walking aphrodisiac.”

neon smudge beyond the windshield—
"Drunken Blownuts." She really ought to
be a comedian, but she's too beautiful
and they pay her too much to play straight
roles, usually the spunky female outsider.

“What's he got that I don't have?”

"Pizza Slut," she says, still pointing.

Shes all right

We turn now to the Princess Sasha.
Sasha, though of Russian parentage,
hails from England. Her voice alone, that
deep dulcet murmur, is renowned any-
where men no longer wear tusks in their
nostrils. I hear it on the phone and up
goes Little Willie. Forty-nine summers
this gal has seen, but Sasha is as succulent
as a pear that has been left to ripen per-
fectly under a glass dome on the side-
board, at her absolute peak. No tits to
speak of, really but a marvel below the
waist. "My little wet bottom," she refers
to it. She's no dumb bunny, but all in all, I
love Sasha mostly for her body.

Wouldn't you know that we three are at
work now on the same picture? I'm the
guy wrongfully accused of committing a
murder. Debbie is the victim's wife. Sasha
is my lawyer. Sound familiar? Dont
blame me. Hey, you can always read a
book or play Monopoly with your kid.

Princess Sasha has been married so
many times that you'd need a genealogist
on staff to keep the exes straight. I don't
hold it against her. She is currently sin-
gle, the longest stretch since she was a
teenager, as a matter of fact. I think it is
good for her. There's only one offspring:
an overweight daughter who found Jesus
some years ago and leads the righteous
life with a hubbie and three offspring of
her ownin Virginia. Whatever hisstrong
points as a personal savior, Jesus has not
wrung the venom out of this daughter's
heart. She calls up Sasha and rants about.
boarding schools she was sent to 15 years
ago, how bad the food was. I once picked
upthe phone and she ranted at me. I told
her to fuck off. A week later, it's in the
National Enquirer that I'm slated to be
Princess Sasha's eighth husband.

“Is it true?" Debbie asks me as we drive
to the little Korean joint down in Lagu-
na, another one of our secret hideaways.
(She likes the fiery pork in pickled cab-
bage.) Debbie is so modern. She knows
about me and Sasha, of course. But, hey,
best friends are entitled to lives of their
own.

“Tm surprised at you, believing that
squalid crud sheet.”

“What's it like, sleeping with someone's
grandmother?”

“Its not like sleeping with your own
grandmother.”

“из pathetic, my being jealous of her,”
Debbie says.

“I couldn't agree more."

“Then drop her and act your age.”

1 glance over from the drivers seat.
Pouting, Debbie slouches with her arms
crossed in such a way that the cleft be-
tween her magnificent, world-famous
mammaries—which I have seen unclad
only on screen, like half a billion other
males—looks like the Grand Canyon at
30,000 feet.

“Hoogly moogly”

The next day on the set, things begin
to get ugly. We're shooting out of se-
quence because of location scheduling.
The scene is near the climax, when my
character and the lawyer (Sasha) con-
front poor misguided, vengeful Debbie
outside the courtroom in the hall of jus-
tice. Sasha is supposed to slap Debbie. Its
all worked out. We rehearse the scene a
few times. Fine. Take one: Sasha slaps
Debbie perhaps a little bit harder than she
did in rehearsal. Suddenly—whap—Deb-
bie hauls off and wallops the princess in
the gut, literally knocks her off her feet.
Sasha is on the floor, making these
wheezy-squealy noises—dare I say like a
pig? She's lost her wind.

“Are you out of your skull?" 1 ask Deb-
bie.

“Tony, the director, who is more defer-
ential, to put it mildly, says, “Gosh, Deb,
that was brilliant, but I thought we had it
all set in rehearsal." (Meanwhile, Sasha is
being helped off to her trailer.)

“I felt internally motivated," Debbie
says. "We have to illuminate the subtext
here."

"You're so full of shit your eyeballs are
brown," I whisper in her ear.

"You really think it has to be that com-
plicated?" Tony says.

"Put it this way,” Debbie says. "Why did
Achilles drag Hector's body around the
city of Troy?"

"I dunno,” says Tony in Cockney-
inflected English.

"Think about it," Debbie says and
sashays off. What a minx!

1 report to Sasha's trailer to offer con-
solation. The trailer is full of plants turn-
ing pale yellow because there's nothing
available that remotely resembles sun-
light. We're on a sound stage, so outside is
actually indoors. Hence, inside the trail-
er is double indoors. In 1 go.

Sashas wardrobe girl, Barb, is sitting
at the edge of the bed, where Sasha is ly-

ing face down, quietly crying. 1 sit down,
too, and stroke Sasha's hair to make my
presence known. She looks up—god-
damn, its that same tear-streaked girlish
face that made her famous when I was a
zygote. I feel like Montgomery Clift in Til
Forever.

"Leave us, please," she tells Barb.
When she is really upset, Sasha's voice
slips into a squeaky upper register, some
emotional attic where all the things of
childhood are stored and she is forever
15. I've heard her do it in a dozen movies,
usually in the third reel, after someone
has shot her pony, or revealed that her
young husband is a fairy, or said that he
was leaving her for Kim Novak.

When Barb is gone, Sasha rolls over
onto her back and wipes her tears. A
strange look of cheerful determination
makes her radiant but oddly out of fo-
cus—say the emotional equivalent of
smearing petroleum jelly on a camera
lens.

“Pm going to fix that little cunt,” she
says. In her English accent, the word has
a special astringent bite. “I know a lot of
people in this town.”

“Aw, dont say that.” Believe it or not,
this comeback is the best I can manage.
But Sasha is more pathetic than she real-
izes, because 99 percent of the people she
knows havent had any real power out
here since Lassie came home. Of course,
1et that slide.

“You don't find her attractive, do you,
Buddy?”

“Who? Debbie?”

“No, the fucking queen of Norway!”
Sasha shrilly replies. “Forgive me. That
was uncalled for. Don't be coy, darling.”

“Well, for goodness’ sake, Sasha, she’s a
movie star,” J say, a tad impatient myself.
“Of course she's attractive. To millions of
men out there,” 1 am quick to qualify this
remark. “Other men.”

Sasha makes a pouty face. But the
ridiculous truth of the matter is, just ly-
ing there on the bed, she is turning me
оп. The woman is a walking aphrodisiac.
1 think of those seven husbands serially
entwined in her silky arms: first, the heir
to the rectal-suppository fortune, fol-
lowed by the Korean War air ace, the
hard-drinking director renowned for his
virility (subsequently revealed to be a
cross-dresser; he ruined her tiny
brassieres), the polo-playing Polish
count, the Secretary of Commerce (those
four years of social catatonia in our na-
tions capital almost finished her), the
psychiatrist who fell in love with her
(whoops!) at the Kipplinger Clinic and
finally, when she was shed of him and his
dreary talk of “hidden agendas” and “life
scripts,” the courtly Mexican banker,
their union so tragically short.

Her ability to stave off the ravages of
time is legendary out here, especially
considering (continued on page 158)

N-

“Gosh, Delilah, I suddenly feel kinda weak. I don't know if
it was the haircut you gave me or the blow job."

хо“
BRING "°

«or?

AS
= ТНЕ ВЕЕВ!

drink By MICHAEL JACKSON Beer is stepping out. li has been a
homebody for too long. These days, beer is dressing up, putting on
the style, being seen in all the right places. Even in California—espe-

cially in C

ja—line beer is sharing the stage with wine, W

press their grapes check by jowl with new little breweries grinding
their malt and scattering their hop blossoms in their copper kettles.

San Francisco stately Stanford Court Hotel is switching to wineglass-

cs for beer service, and its list of wines by the glass features beers, too.

In the Napa Valley, the Calistoga Inn is brewing its own beer. It is one
of 25 or 30 new brew pubs in the state. Wine bottles are even used to
package the beer made by some boutique breweries.

Not all the hopheads are in California. At The Great American

Beer Festival in Denver this past June, brew pubs such as Sieben's

Brewing Company and the Tap & Grow! go won medals

alongside such famous names as Coors Extra Gold, Stroh Signature

and Anheuser-Buschs Busch and Michelob Classic Dark.
From Chinook Alaskan Amber to Abita Porter in Louisiana, beer is
on the move. For anyone who wants to stay hip about hops, on this and

136 the following spread is the connoisseur's news on brews.

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY

138

THE BEER FACTS

Largest-selling beer in the U.S.: Budweiser
(more than 50,000,000 barrels last year)
*
Biggest superpremium: Michelob
%
Biggest light beer: Miller Lite

*
Fastest-growing import: Corona Extra

Largest-selling German import: Beck's

%
Campus favorites: Whether on campus or
in nearby student bars, every college stu-
dent consumes ample amounts of Budweis-
er and Miller Lite. Coors is big, too,
wherever it's available. Here are some

other local favorites:

Samuel Adams Boston lager is a favorite
with Harvard students at the local
Boat-house bar.
%
Augsburger is a favorite at the campus
Rathskeller at the University of Wisconsin.
%
Molson and Mexican beers, such as Sol,
Carta Blanca and Chihuahua, are big with
students at West Vii ia University.
%
Moosehead and St. Pauli
Girl are + 6 among the
favorites 2 5 at Florida
State. É Cheers!

STOUTHEARTED!

When the rising stars of London's financial district meet for
Bar in Queen

Victoria Street and savor the succulent bivalves with a tankard.

an informal lunch, they go 10 Sweetings’ Оу

of black velvet, Swectings' always serves its black velvet in sil-

kards and makes the magical beverage from equal
parts of French brut champagne (Goulet) and Irish dry stout
(Guinness). What is it about oysters? The London food critic
Fay Maschler wondered why they were considered to be an
ly, "bei

mind а young man of his first encounter with a woman?” No

se they re-

aphrodisiac. “Is it,” she asked rhetorica

food protects itself
more stubbornly than.

the oyster, nor is any

revealed to be more

delicate. What

about stout? И
handsome, mysteri-
ous and profound and
reveals itself to be the
most tangy intense

and luxurious of

beers. ls the oyster

just too delicate, the

stout overpoweringly

intense? No, it is a

marriage made in heaven. The roasty sweetness of the malted

barley, the almost herbal floweriness of the hop blossom and

the citric fruitiness of the yeast are present in every beer, but

each classic style has its own balance of those components.

With the lightly spicy foods of China and Thailand, there is

; such as

nothing beuer than a flowery, aromatic pale la
Singha, Sam Adams or Asahi Super Dry. With chicken, pork
or Mexican food, look for Dos Equis or a German Oktoberfest
beer. With heavier pasta dishes or kalian sausage, go for a re-
ally dark beer. Michelob Classic Dark i

one of the gentlest

With a rib of beef, a room-temperature English ale has the

Samuel Smith's Pale

fruitiness of a cabernet sauvignon. Bass,

Ale and Young's Special London are three 10 try. With cheese
such as stilton, try a strong MacAndrew’s Scotch Ale. Or with

munster or port salut, try а Belgian Trappist beer, such as

Chimay. Just dont make the mistake of requesting the wine

to announce yourself a sophisticate, You won't be needing

one, thank you. Not today:

The sexiest beers come from Belgium.
where a good brew is seen as a sensuous
pleasure. When an importer in Texas
sought to introduce Forbidden Fruit (pic-
tured below), the Federal authorities
raised an eyebrow “The picture оп
Europes grea
the importer explained

painted in the 16th
ОК, said the Feds
at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Firearms. "Put the
hand, remove the bes
will accept it as art.
tempted, but he declined.

the label is one of -
est paintings,

"Adam and Eve

Century by Rubens."

pple back in Eve's
es and we
The importer was

The beer, a
strong, dark spiced ale from one of Bel
ваши most respected breweries, is not
being imported to date.

Napoleons occupying forces decided

TRUE
BREWS

that had discovered “the cham-
What they

had found was a tart, acidic, sparklingly

they

pagne of the north" in Be

refreshing style of beer made with wheat
as well as the normal barley malt. Berlin-
er Weisse is hard (though not impossible)
to find in the States. Wheat beers from
Bavaria, such as Spaten Club-Weissbier,
аге more easily available.

Bass was the first famous “pale” Eng-
lish ale
maltier to go with the whiskies on a cold
night. A descendant of Bonnie Prince
Charlie makes a strong ale in his castle at
Traquair. Look for Traquair House
Ale—anı expect to pay several dollars a
boule.

Check the small print on the label of
many famous beers and vou will see the
legend misser or мизклен, All beer was
dark until the first golden lager was cre-
ated in the brewery at Pilsen, in Bo-
hemia, in 1842. Now the entire world
makes golden beers and often describes
them as Pilsners. И you would like to try
the original, look for Pilsner Urquell,
which has a Номету aroma, a soft palate
and an appetizingly dry finish

Scottish ales are sweeter and

HOEGAARDEN

SIN 30 88

BELGIUM

STATIEG ALC VOL 8%

>
=
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2

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=
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әгі
=
=

PLAYBOY

140

“Nora put her hand on the doorknob. You know, Iz,

she said, ‘not everyone wants to be a guest.

2»

up and into Amys, lovely Amys.
PETER PAN LAND.

What Ted Maupin, fellow English teach-
% ng partner, former roommate,
cynic and meddler, called the Bar & Grill.
Ted had a stock set of ready lectures. Не
was 6'3" with linebacker girth, and he
seemed particularly fond of bac
against his car in the high school parking
lot, standing almost close enough to brush
him with his immense black beard.

“Izard, my friend, when you moved into
a place of your own, the idea was that you
were a single grown man who wanted to
fuck single grown women in the privacy of
your own home.”

I take women home.
‘or the moment, ГИ even overlook the
paltriness of your conquests in order to
stick to my point, which is the following.”
"fed took a deep breath. “Instead of a love
nest, you've set up a fantasyland for pread-
olescents. You make little sandwiches and
kiddie cocktails when you should be out
making time with voluptuous lovelies.”

sus, Ted, I just happen to think my
kids are a little more important than my li-
bido.

“I suppose worrying more about
whether a bed is properly made than
whether there's a woman in it in the morn-
i normal for a thirty-four-year-old

‘And you think with your dick—hardly
a qualified judge of normal human behav-
ior," Iz гер

“This is old, Iz. Lets bury the hatchet.”
So saving, he turned and walked toward
his car,

"Besides, what could be more rom;
and/or sexy than the comforts of a luxuri
ous hotel? Beats car sex or meeting room-
mates in the hall.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Youre right, I'm
wrong, silly old dickbrained Ted. Why
don't you just invite me to come over оп
Sunday and shut up?” He got into his car
and slammed the doo

Iz waved. “See you Sunday.”

On the inside of the master-bedroom
door hung the only physical reminder of
his marriage to Amy, a sign they had stolen
on their honeymoon. At two or three in the
afternoon of their second day in Acapulco,
he insisted that they needed to take at le
one walk on the beach. He felt queasy and
jittery, not unlike the way he'd felt as a
child after eating a dozen candy bars or an
entire bag of candy corn. He wanted to be
vertical, to stretch, to breathe deeply, ex-
pelling lust and fa мо the fresh
beach air.

Through tickling and teasing, he care-
fully cajoled Amy into getting dressed and
was just finishing up himself when he
heard her laugh. He found her doubled
over and pointing at a 1t contained
the standard instructions for what to do in
case of fire, yet the designers of the warn-
ing had, for some reason, decided to em-
phasize one phrase in red block letters: ir
YOU CANNOT LEAVE THIS ROOM, PLEASE CALL
FRONT DESK.
fell to her knees and crawled to-
ight stand. She picked up the
phone. “Help us, help us, please,” she said,
giggling. He crawled over to her and
pushed her back onto the bed. He laughed
with her, tears in his eyes. She laughed
harder, and at the end of each phrase of
her laughter, he heard a grace note of hys-
teria. She clung to him then, and tiny
strings pulled at his skin until he was as
tight as she, and he kissed her mouth shut
and moved with her. They tugged at their
clothes and each other until everything
was tangled and damp, and they didn’t
leave the room for two more days.

Izard ached for the feeling, the dizzy
feeling of wanting someone that much.

DECORATOR TIPS FOR ALBINOS

Iz did not spend a lot of time in front of
murrors, because when he did, he often
found himself engaged in monologs with
refrains of "I do not look like a bunny rab-
bit, a tall, scared, undernourished bunny
rabbit. I am an eccentrically and distinc-
tively virile man.”

Thus, personal vanity figured into plan-
ning the decor of the Bar & Grill. Wine
colors were a must, for at certain times of
the day, his irises glowed an odd Bur-
gundylike shade, and he enjoyed accentu-
ating the disquieting effect that had. He
contrasted the paper smoothness of his
skin with elaborately brocaded upholstery
on couches and love seats and the chaise in
his bedroom, and with deeply ribbed cor-
duroys on the casy chairs and ouomans.
He had the painters drop infinitesimal
amounts of red into the white paint for the
walls, calculated to highlight the faint
flush that so often rose to his cheeks. To
offset that narcissism, he purchased towels
and sheets in blues and browns so deep
and rich that his pallor appeared comic.
For all his efforts, almost everyone was too
polite to mention his mien. Only Ted,
broad, dark, sarcastic and Sicilian, found
the subject worth noting.

Iz scrubbed and polished and fretted. If
there was one thing he counted on in the
women he did bring home, it was a pleased
reaction to the carefully wrought luxuries:
the extensive collection of compact discs,

hidden stereo speakers in each room, track
lighting, heat lamps in the bathroon
inches-deep plush carpet. But his last
would-be conquest, Nora, had refused to
take The Tour, his spiel concerning ceiling
heights, the techniques used on the silk-
screen prints in the hallways, the miracu-
lous abilities of the Kitchen appliances and
the pedigree of the audio-visual equip-
ment that usually helped get him through
the initial consternating stages of seduc-
tion. After a few moments of going-
nowhere banter in the foyer, Nora had put
her hand on the doorknob and shot him
what he took to be a defiant look.

“You know, Iz," she said, “not everyone
wants to be a guest.”

He scrubbed between the pale-green
tiles of the bathroom shower stall, remem-
bering how he had felt shamed, confused.
He saw that he was basically different from
women he met. When he was in their
homes, it wasnt as a true guest. They as-
sumed so much. “Use my towels, my tooth-
brush; help yourself in the refrigerator,
liquor cabinet." And they believed that to
be a complimentary attitude. But a guest
felt cared for. Couldnt they see that pre-
senting clean linens, a fresh toothbrush
and even scouring mildew were real acts of
affection? A woman he loved, or might love
sometime in the future, should not have to
look at gunk stuck in the grout; the tiles
should feel smooth and slick beneath her
wet feet.

FORAYS INTO THE GOURMET WORLD.

The Bar & Grill wasnt official until Iz
boughtthe grill. Lizand Ellen assured him
that they would like nothing more than to
live solely on grilled-cheese sandwiches for
the rest of their lives, at least the rest of
their lives that fell on the weekends they
spent with him. They were flexible to a
point—after some debate, they decided to
allow him to experiment with cheeses oth-
er than American. After three months, he
sensed that he might be able to sneak other
foods onto the menu. He purchased an en-
cyclopedia of creative cookery and found
what he was looking for in the As—appe-
tizers galore!

Liz raised the eyebrow and Ellen's lip
curled when he brought out the first plate
of his concoction:

“What are those?” Ellen nearly whined.

"Stuffed-olive canapés,” he answered.

“What's a canopy?” Ellen asked.

“Canapé is the French word for couch,”
Liz replied.

“Doesn't look like a couch to me,
said, and both girls looked at him.

“Canapé docs m
petizer,” Iz replied. “It’s sort of a little seat
for whatever you decide to put on top.”
They didn't say anything for a moment.
Then Ellen laughed.

“А sofa for olives. 1 like that."

It turned out that there was very little
resistance, though cach new presentation
had to be officially approved. He placed
the offering directly between them on the

Ellen

mule Wn rar.

"What an amateur. I always go for the lils first.”

141

PLAYBOY

142

bar. When Liz gave a nod, they reached
their hands out simultaneously. Liz had
adopted Amys taste-testing technique,
and he watched her closely with some dis-
may, knowing that Ellen was mirroring ev-
ery move. Liz held up the meat-stuffed
grape leaf to just beyond the tip of her
nose, She closed one eye and regarded it
with the other—the one sure eye of a jew-
eler peering through his loupe. Then Liz
nodded again and each girl popped the
entire appetizer into her mouth. If she
liked it, Liz’s expression always indicated
some surprise that Iz had managed to pull
it off again, and he had to remind himself
that she wasn't Amy, that she was only 19
When Ellen liked something, she immedi-
ately gobbled five or six, until Liz stopped
her by reaching over to wipe her mouth
with a cocktail napkin

One weekend, he got carried away, serv-
ing fried-cheese profiteroles, egg-and-an-
chovy mousse, antipasto, páté maison and
clam-macadamia puffs. They especially
liked the hors d'oeuvres with silly names:
pigs in blankets, seafood pretties, angels
on horseback, crab dabs, henhouse
nomads and quark snacks. Soon they de-

manded participatory rights; they took to
renaming the selections and insisted that
Iz type up a menu including the new
names. Thus, guacamole became purée de
green and barbecued chicken wings were
known as hot quackers. The menu had one
caveat, printed at the bottom in bold let-
ters: CAVIAR WILL NOT BE SERVED ТО NO ONE
FOR NO REASON.

Iz clutched the phone and struggled to
fully open his sleep-stuck eyes.

“What's the matter, Amy?"

"For starters, Ellens ophthalmologist
savs that besides being perilously near-
sighted, she's also got astigmatism."

Tzard propped himself up on an elbow.
“1 thought the school nurse or somebody
was supposed to catch stuff like that in the
first grade."

"Seems Ellen knew something was
wrong, so she stood behind the kids with
glasses and memorized what they said.”

"She cheated on a vision test?" he said,
chortling. "That's гісі

“Pm glad you think its funny that your
youngest daughter could have been
flattened in traffic. ^" she trailed off.

"Anyway, what it really is is one more unex-
pected expensive expense."

“Til take care of it, Amy”

"Oh, that's right, Mr. Wizard comes to
the rescue—he leaps tall buildings with
checkbook in hand.”

Izard pulled the covers over his head
and braced himself.

“Goddamn уои” Three solid raps
echoed in Iz’s head as she emphasized each
syllable by beating the receiver against
something hard. He guessed a headboard.

"Are you still there?" Amy asked, her
voice sounding drained.

"Yes, Amy, I'm sull here."

"Its my job, too. My boss isa total ass, be-
sides the fact that he refuses to pay me
what I’m worth.”

So that was the real problem. But what
did she want from him? He wanted to
make it better, but how? Every neuron
in his brain shrieked, Don't say it, don't say
it, don't —- "Listen, Amy, if you hate the
job that much, why don't you quit?
Га be happy to help you out financially un-
il

You think everything is that easy? You
know what you are, Izard? A goddamned
child. In the real world, people earn their
living—you can't just walk away from your
lemonade stand when it stops being fun.”
She sighed. “When are you going to”
Her voice broke, and then it came, a crash
and a тией metallic ring.

“Please send me the bill,” Izard said to
the dead line.

Izard dialed Ted' number and began
uttering apologies before Ted had a
chance to speak.

“Never mind, dearest pal, 1 don't need
my beauty sleep. However, I assume there's
a reason for this call?”

“Amy,” Izard answered. “Amy called.”

“Let me think; what brand of fatherly
malfeasance is it this month? Scuffed
patent-leather shoes? More overly extrava-
gant gifts? She's not still mad about the
fighting kites, is she?”

“No. This call was a report of financial
fiasco.” He paused. “I think she's really dis-
traught, though.”

“Iz, when you've got an apocalyptic men-
a dollar bill lost in a change machine
is a disaster. Don't let it get to you.”

Izard laughed.

“Can we go back to sleep now?” Ted
asked.

UNCLE AWF

ЕАКТМО GIFTS

A typical Ted-style surprise visit: He ar-
rived at the door holding a carton. Liz for-
got herself for a moment and joined Ellen
in hollering “Uncle Awful, Uncle Awful”
and trying to snatch the carton away from

im.

“Ted retained his hold on the box.

“This is for your father, the fair-haired
іппКеерег” He handed the box to Iz. “In
this box, you will find a marvel of modern
technology, an appliance that will revolu-
tionize the way you do business.”

After cutting through layer after layer

of packing tape with a steak knife, accom-
panied by a chorus of “Hurry, Daddy, hur-
ту” Iz finally got the box open. Не saw
only a glint of stainless steel before Ted
snatched the box from his hands.

“Let me show” Ted removed the con-
traption and Aung the box aside. “This, my
friends, is the absolute finest automatic ice
crusher. Not only is it fast as a whip but you
get three choices of how fine to crush the
ке”

An hour later, after every cube іп the
house was crushed, Ellen finally broke
down,

“Didn't you bring us anything?"

“You still owe me five dollars from pool
last time,” Liz said.

“All in due time. I can’t believe either of
you could think for
опе moment that I'd
forget about you.”
Ted pulled two
small boxes from his
jacket pocket. “Not
that either of you

greedy Guses de-
serves these.
and Ellen

grabbed the boxes,
which were quickly
found to contain
very special plastic
swizzle sticks—pink
elephants on 5
set and orange gi-
raffes on Ellen's.

“We need to have
mar-teenies so ме
сап use them," Ellen
announced.

“I haven't forgot-
ten the five dollars,”
Liz told Ted.

“Double or noth-

ing?”
Liz did the eye-
brow thing. “Из

your money.”

Ted snorted and
12 winced. He
played — bartender,
mixing doubles for
himself and Ted,
uirt and lime
juice for the girls.

“Don't forget the olives,” Ellen reminded
him. He grimaced but dropped three
olives into each glass. Then they all mi-
grated, drinks in hand, to the Billiard
Room.

“Tracy Jacobs has a Bumper Pool table in
her basement, but it’s tiny and it’s got cat
fur all over it,” Ellen said as she dragged a
step stool over to the table to make her
shot. Iz choked back a laugh. Her next play
was without benefit of the stool. Although
her accuracy on long shots was erratic, Iz
guessed glasses would take care of that
problem. He guessed that with her steady
aim and nice smooth stroke, she would
grow into a dependable player—no flash—
but rarely missing routine shots. On her

shot, Liz stalked to the table, abruptly lean-
ing over to attempt a difficult carom. He
watched the cue ball hit the three into the
four ball, which sank soundly in the center
of a side pocket. When Liz was hot, like to-
day, she beat Ted for real; when she was
cold, 12 had seen Ted purposely miss in an
attempt to head off a snit

Liz banked the eight ball into a corner.
“You lose, Uncle Awful. Put down your
drink and rack ет up”

“1 need a refill," Ellen announced.

"Me, too," said Ted and Liz. Iz obliged
and went to fetch a second round. When
he returned, Liz looked up from her shot.

“You're the best daddy in Ше whole wide
world," she announced.

“You're the best daddy in the whole wide

AShaving Breakthrough.
Just InTheNickOfTime.

See page145.

world," Ellen echoed.

When Ted repeated it for the third time,
Iz felt like crying.

When Ted was $40 down, he announced
that there was a television special on bears
he couldn't miss.

“Didn't we just sec a show on beat
len complained.

"That was polar bears—this one's on.
black bears," Ted sai

“Let's watch MTV in the other room,"
Liz suggested to Ellen. As they headed
down the hall to the Game Room, Iz heard
Liz musing over how to spend her win-
nings.

Iz switched on the set and stirred а
pitcher of martinis.

El-

led said.

'mon, friend, lighten up,
Iz smiled. “I'm trying.”
“You know, the only thing better than a

good bear story is a good woman,” said

‘Ted.

“Smooth transition, guy.
heartiness in his voice.

“I thought so. Anyway, I've sort of been
seeing someoı

"Thats a bit vague. . .. Are we talking a
new squeeze or a potential Aunt Evil for
my daughters?”

“I think Ud say the latter."

“Oh.” Iz took a big gulp of martini

“Don't go sad on me again, all right? Be-
sides, she's got this great friend.”

Iz laughed. “1 knew there had to be a
punch line.”

” Iz heard fake

“I'm serious. She's
a zookeeper, 12. А
perfect match for a
strange white beast
like you.”

“Ho, ho, ho. I've
never let you set me
up before and I'm
no"

“Not even if she
lets you wear the
duck mask?”

Iz laughed again.
“Absolutely not.”

NEON AND MARTINIS
AND THE
CONSCIENCE OF THE
SINGLE FATHER

When Iz woke up,
he immediately
knew he would look
like a rabbit in every
mirror in the place,
and even from his
bed, the Hotel-
Motel felt desolate.
That usually herald-
ed the onset of a
weekend alone, but
sometimes it hap-
pened on days like
today, when Liz and
Ellen меге fast
asleep in the thick,
curtained dark of
the guest rooms,
floating far away in little-girl dreams.

At that. point, it was important not to
look at a clock. He kept his eyes to the front
and headed directly to the bar, so there
was no reason to suspect that it was not a
proper hour to begin drinking. He
switched the coffee maker on and pulled a
beer from the refrigerator. For not the first
time, he wondered what Ellen and Liz
would think of him when they grew up to
realize how much booze three double mar-
tinis really was. Maybe he would have got-
ten his act together by then, or at least
changed his act, so it wouldn't matter.
They could all have a laugh at that old
guy—the silly, half-drunk, dandy divorcee
who collected neon beer signs. Yet that

143

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The rules:

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Employees af Playbay Enterprises, Inc.. its agents, affiliates and families ore nat eligible.
3. To enter, submit your typed. double-spaced manuscript af 25 pages or fewer with a
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number ta Playboy Callege Fiction Cantest, 919 North Michigan Avenue. Chicago. Illinais
60611. Only ore entry per person. All entries must be original works af fiction and must be
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will be oworded ta those entrants whose stories meet Playboy's standard for quality.
Playboy reserves the right ta withhold prizes if the submitted entries do not meet its usual
standards for publication. All decisions of the judges are final. 5. Winning contestants will
be notified by mail and moy be obligated to sign and return an affidavit of eligibility wi

30 days of rotificatian. In the event of noncompliance within this time period, alternate win-
ners may be selected. Any prize-notification letter or any prize returned to Playbay Enter-
prises, Inc, ond undeliverable may be awarded to an alternate winner & Playboy
reserves the right to edit the first-prize-winning story for publication. 7 Entry outhorizes
use af any prize winners nome, photograph and biagraphical information by Playboy
Enterprises, Inc.. without further compensation to the winner. 8. Playboy reserves the right
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Taxes on prizes are the sale responsibility of winning cantestants. Void where prohibited by
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returned. For o list cf winners, send o self-addressed, stamped envelope to Playboy Enter-
prises, Inc., College Fiction Contest, 919 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.

seemed unfair to the Hotel-Motel Bar &
Grill, a betrayal of his vision. He wanted
his daughters to know what genuine fun
was, so that no matter what forces pulled at
them in years to come, there would be a
solid, happy memory of their threesome.

The entire project could also be seen as
at least marginally educational, Not just
drink making, either. They knew how to
tip, how to give change, how to be polite,
how to roll egg rolls and bake pretzels.
They knew something of style and a lot
about bears and whales and lions and rain
forests and football. They would never be
hustled at pool or cards, though they
might be tempted to do the hustling, and
they were probably hopelessly spoiled
forever. Nothing wrong with that; Iz want-
ed them to have high expectations.

God, he'd been over this a hundred
times with Ted. They had both lost pa-
tience with the part of him that wouldn't

shut upabout it.
“Christ,” said Ted, “you'd think it was a
Federal crime to want to be loved.

THE WIFE AND THE BARFLY

When the doorbell rang on Sunday
afternoon, Iz was expecting Ted, so he was
surprised when he opened the door to a
small woman with big flaming-red hair.
She stuck out her hand.

“I'm Irene, the zookeeper. Ted told me
10 meet him here."

“I'm Izard. Come on in," he stammered.
"Did Ted say he'd be here?
He's not here?"

“No, not yet, but I am expecting him. I
mean, led’ a lot of things, but dependable,
1 mean undependable, isnt one of them.”

Irene laughed, but Izard saw her shrink
up in front of him, and he responded with
a sudden impulse to protect this woman
that superseded his desire to strangle Ted.

He took her arm.

“Let me show you around.”

She followed his lead silently through
the first part of The Tour but took her arm
back in the Billiard Room.

“Let me look for a minute.” She circun
navigated the room, ran her fingers over
the green felt of the table and rolled the
seven ball into the eight ball so it made a
nice smack.

“Darts is my game, really. I've always
thought І needed to be three or four inch-
es taller to play pool really well

lz pointed toward the dartboard.
“Would you like to give it a try?"

When she took the darts in her hand, he
noticed that her fingernails were painted
an orange-red that matched her hair. She
threw a dart, but it wavered, missing the
board and landing in the cork beneath it.

“I'm nervous" she said, and she
wrapped her arms around her shoulders
and squeezed. Iz restrained a shiver. “I've
got to pull myself together,” she added.
Her second dart hit the heart of the bull's-
eye. “Better,” she said, taking his arm.
“Can I see the rest?”

When they reached the TV Room, she
turned to him and smiled.

“This really is PeterPanLand, isn't it?”

Iz nodded. PeterPanLand—he wanted
her to repeat it again and again, running
the words together as she just had. For a
moment, he imagined her petite body soft-
ly enveloped between his bed sheets, her

Ellen stood watching them. Oh, that’s just
wonderful, he thought. Caught acting like
some demented pubescent, thinking wild
thoughts about the skin of a total stranger.
Four gray eyes remained trained on his

orry, Liz, Fllen. This is Irene. Shes a
friend of Uncle Awful's."
ы yes softened slightly at the men-

“Only Uncle Awful isn't here yet, so we
have to entertain Irene for a while. OK?”
His voice sounded ridiculously smarmy.
“Make yourself comfortable. Can we get
you anything to drink? You name it, we've
got it.” Shut up, shut up, you're making it
worse, he thought.

Irene looked directly at Liz and Ellen.
“Does anybody around here know how to
make a mai tai?

Iz watched them nod in unison and
head behind the bar. Iz felt himself about
to pai he grabbed some quarters from
the tip jar and headed for the jukebox.
"Any requests?" he asked.

"Bon Jovi,” Liz said.

The fast one,” Ellen added

Iz looked at Irene. "Something festive,
she said.

Right, he thought, that's definitely whats
needed. “Ellen, would you fix me a martini
while you're at it?

He was afraid to look at Irene, even with

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PLAYBOY

146

the martini. He tried to concentrate on
what she was saying about the zoo, but
whenever he focused on her face, he
stared, and his brain took stock without
permission—white skin, almost as pale as
his, but Accked with gold-dust freckles,
and the hair a mesmerizing red, more hair
than could possibly be on one head, yet
there it was, soft and bouncing slightly as
she spoke. He found it difficult to speak;
his lips felt swollen and he pressed the cold
rim of his glass against them. He strained
to re-enter the conversation. Something
about the gestation period of elephants.

“The door was wide open.” Ted was
standing in the room. A woman with short
black hair and a long white skirt leaned
against his arm. Her shoes were in her
hand, along with an unlit cigarette, and
her feet and the bottom of her skirt were
splashed with mud.

“Hello, Liz, 12, Ellen, Irene.” He paused
to wink at Iz. “This is Aunt Evil, but I'm
afraid she's not at her best today. We've just
finished up the Invisible Man Run.”

“I thought you liked this woman, Ted,”
12 said.

“What's the Invisible Man Run?" Irene
asked.

Ted grinned boozily "What it is is getting
into a cab and heading for the sleaziest bar
we know of in Southern California—The
Lone Fagle—and having a drink, tradi-
tionally a straight shot of tequila. Then you
go from tavern to tavern, guzzling a drink
at each establishment as you methodically
and drunkenly work your way home.
What's our record, 122"

"I dont remember,” he answered too
quickly

"C'mon, Daddy. We know you know," Liz
said.

"Something like three hours and forty-

ninutes," Iz answered reluctantly.
kes. How many bars are we talking
about?" Irene asked.

“Twenty-three. Am I invisible ус?” This
was the first and last thing Aunt Evil said.
Ted led her to a chair and gave her a light.

“Yikes,” Irene repeated, “I think ГІ wait
to sign up until I see if she survives."

“I think we need some food,” Ellen said,
and Iz felt incredibly happy as she and Liz
ran off to the kitchen. Perfect hostesses in
the face of this nonsense. Once they were
gone, Ted and Irene watched Iz. Ted
grinned madly and lrene's clear green
gaze made his lips tingle again, so he dis-
tracted himself with a demonstration of
the new ice crusher. Half the cubes in the
freezer were pulverized before Liz and El-
len returned with pizza rolls and clam dip.

“We weren't expecting a party” Liz said
apologetically, though she looked pleased,
gray eyes sparkling.

"Neither was I,” Iz said in Ted's direc-
tion.

"But it certainly is festive," Irene said
and smiled.

“Festive,” Ted repeated, and everyone
laughed.

"The door was wide open, so I didn't

five

12% shoulders tensed; he knew without
looking that the voice belonged to Amy.
Who invited her? He wanted to giggle—
no—he had to deal with this situation
thoughtfully, if not entirely soberly.

“Amy, what are you doing here?” He de-
cided to stall. Amy didn't look good, sort of
crushed. Her spiky short hair drooped,
waiflike, and her lips were taut, as though
she hadn't laughed in a long time. She even
slouched. But her gray eyes were clear and
stern as she snapped her gaze almost audi-

“Is he expecting you?”

bly from her daughters to Ted to the di-
sheveled Aunt Evil to Iz and back to Liz
and Ellen.

“Amy must've heard we were having a
party,” Ted said jovially.

“Amy” Izard shota warning shot to Ted.
“You're certainly welcome here.’

“May I speak with you privately?” Amy's
voice was low. Iz wobbled to his feet and
followed her to the kitchen.

“1 didnt plan on barging in,” she began

“Well, 1 must say your unprecedented
appearance is along rather unexpected
lines.”

“Are you drunk?” Her voice raised half
an octave.

“You were about to explain your barge,
were you not?”

“As if I should do the explaining.” She
looked over her shoulder at the door to the
living room. “Shit, Iz, this is just too much.
This isn't a home, this is a playpen.”

“You haven't even seen it."

“15 gross.” Now her volume increased.
“I don't need to see any more.”

He set his glass down on the countertop
and reached his hands toward her shoul-
ders. “But, Amy it's all in fun."

She shrugged his hands away “Oh, sure,
booze and food and games and a bunch of
goddamned drunks.” Her voice was loud
enough to be heard in the other room.

“Be reasonable. Please.”

“What I just walked in on is reasonable?
Besides, I don't feel reasonable—I got laid
off.”

“Maybe its for the best. I mean, you

were miserable”
“Oh, shut up.”
Iz was afraid to say anything more. He

knew he wasn't thinking dearly about any-
thing except wanting Amy to relax, war
ing to be back with the others. Amy was
silent for a moment as her eyes flicked over
the gleaming appliances, the hand-painted
countertop tiles, the monolithic side-by-
side refrigcrator-freczcr.

She sighed. “I just don't think I have the
strength to look for a job right now"

“Why don't you take a little time off
first?" Izard hurried to the sink and rum-
maged in a drawer beside it.

"You want me to take a vacation? I lose
my job and I'm supposed to go lallygag on
a beach somewhere?" Her voice rose again.

lzard pulled his checkbook from the
drawer with a flourish.

“Why don't you at least think about it?
ГІ write you a check and”

“No!”

His hand froze.

“What does it take to—" She took a
step forward and grabbed his martini
from the countertop and hurled it toward
the sink. Beside him, the heavy glass ex-
ploded against the stainless steel; 12
watched a lone olive bounce off the edge
and land on the floor.

“Amy, Pm sorry Well work it out later,
OK? Please?"

“No. Its not OK. Not OK at all." She

started to cry

Izard fed, flinging himself out the
swinging door in time to see Irene flee to-
ward the master-bedroom suite. Liz and
Ellen and Ted panned right as he pursued
The bathroom door clicked shut. He ap-
proached it, taking a deep breath. As he
knocked, he heard the sound of china
against brick coming from the kitchen,

“Are you OK?" he asked.

“Pm sorry,” Irene said. "ГИ come out in a
while.”

He heard two more splintering crashes
‘Too loud to be anything but dinner plates
He wied to organize his thoughts. “Is
there anything 1 can do?”

“Not really. 1 guess its just nerves. Surly
lions I do fine with, bt"

“Situations like
this?”

She laughed. “I'm
not sure 1 knew
situations like this
really existed. 1
mean——" This
time the crashing
was sustained, and
Iz pictured the sliv-
ered remains of a
dozen champagne
goblets scattered
across the kitchen
floor.

“Hey, stay in there
as long as you want,”
le said.

"Thank you. I11
be fine. Go ahead
and check оп"

“I should, thanks,
but ГЇ be back
You hang on” Не
turned away.

Izard?

Ves"
“Great bath-
room."
When Izard

stepped into the lis
ng room, six gray

eyes pounced оп
him, waiting for
him to do some

thing. Ted seemed
absorbed in fiddling
with the jukebox. Izard noted with relief
that Amy's hands were empty, resting
lightly on the back of a chair. Standing
there with her shoulders sagging slightly,
she would have again appeared helpless if
her eyes had relented.

Suddenly, Supertramp burst from the
speakers. “Even in the quietest mo-
теше...”

“Very funny Ted.”

1 thought so.”

“You would," Amy said.

Izard hoped sarcasm was a good sign
perhaps she was sapped of her anger

“Down, girl,” Ted replied as he bent over
Aunt Evil.

"What's funny?" Ellen asked.

Iz saw Ted tenderly grasp her hand. He
thought of Irene lighting up his pale-yel-
low bathroom. He wondered if she was sit-
ting on the toilet scat, if her head was
bowed. He imagined her hair brushing
the checkerboard tiles

"Maybe we should go. Mom," Liz said. Iz
noted with satisfaction that her eyebrow
was cocked, but in Amy's direction, not his

“think not. Like your Uncle Ted said,
this is some party,” Amy said

“Now can we play spades?” Ellen asked

Aunt Evil moaned.

“Maybe we should be leaving," Ted said
“He who fights and runs away, etc.”

"No," Iz said quickly, “I think playing
cards is a dandy idea. Why don't Liz and 1
get everybody a drink? Yes?"

See рабе145.

This time everyone's gaze turned to
Ату Her eyes gleamed for a second

"Mom?" said Liz. Amy looked down. Did
her eyes soften? Still, she didn't speak

“We're having a special on frozen mar-
garitas due to a surplus of crushed ice,”
“Ted offered

Amy looked up. "Thank you, Ted. 1
think I will have one. Strawberry”

Ted moved Aunt Evil to the couch and
Liz got a blanket to cover her. After some
debate, Ellen conceded to playing rummy
rather than spades if she got to keep score,
and even Amy finally agreed to play if she
didn't have to sit on the floor.

Between turns, Amy swirled her drink
dangerously close to the rim of her glass

and she snapped down her discards, but
she kept getting good cards and 17 saw that
she was pleased. "led hummed. Izard
prayed to the card gods and thought he
felt Liz and Ellen praving, toc.

“I win,” announced Amy. Liz grabbed
Amy's almost-empty glass without asking
and headed for the bar.

1 demand a rematch.” Ted said.

“Deal me out of this one," Iz said. He got
up from the table and took four beers
from the refrigerator and a boule opener
from the drawer.

"Where are you——" Liz cut her sister
off with the whir of the blender. Iz headed
toward his room. Amy shot him a malevo-
lent glance, then turned to Ted

“Why is it that men think it's attractive to
wear their shirts un
buttoned to the mid.
dle of their chests?”
she asked as Ellen
began dealing. 17
didn't hear Ted's re-
sponse.

He tried to walk
steadily, tried to re-
assure himself. So
they would have
their first date
through a bathroom
door. So what? He
sat down next to the
door and tapped it
lightly with a bote.

“Do you want a
beer”

Her voice came
from just the other
side of the door. “Is
it safe to open the
door?”

“Relatively. Def
initely safe to crack
it” He snapped

the top off one beer
and lined the other
bottles up against
the wall. From the

living room, he
heard a murmur
suggesting relative

peace. He smiled.

“Are we talking
cold beer?" she asked.
"Cold. Very cold” 1z watched the knob

turn slowly. “So, tell me, Irene, what made

you decide to become a zookeepe

Other prize winners in Playboys College
Fiction Contest: second prize, “Jet Pilot for
the Sandinistas,” by Robin Lewis, University
of Alaska, Fairbanks; third prizes, “Loose
Ends" by Suzanne Kehde, University of
Southern California; “Out of the Blue,” by
Maria Franco King, Chabot College at Liv-
ermore, California; “Pizza Man,” by John
McNally, University of Iowa; “Magnet Hill,”
by Rachel Simon, Sarah Lawrence College.

147

FASTFORWARD

CAUSE CELEBRITY

For an actress who is associated mostly with comedies (The Sure

Thing, Spaceballs), Daphne Zuniga takes life very seriously. “When-

ever! get too caught up іп my career, I wonder, What are you doing for

the world?" For Zuniga, it's not an idle question—she's a cofounder of

Young Artists United, a group of New Wave Hollywood activists, and

a member of both Network, Jane Fonda's political-action group, and

CISPES, the Committee in Solidarity with the People of El Salvador.

Zuniga, 26, comes from a family steeped in involvement. She grew up

in Berkeley and vividly recalls the antiwar riots and "clinging to my

mom for dear life” Her mother, a Unitarian minister, schooled her on «
the women's movement, and her father, a professor, took her on yearly £P
trips to his homeland in Guatemala, which exposed her to the turmoil е =
in Central America. Her commitment hasn't slowed down her career, Put
and she has recently scored major roles in Last Rites, Boys and The X T.
Fly ll. “Life is scary, my next movie is scary—l'm ready to do а musi-

cal,” she says, "like Oklahoma!" ЈАН GOLAB

Joe Martin hasalways been prolific. By
the time he was 20, he had four chil-
dren; now, at 41, the Wisconsin-based
Cartoonist produces three daily strips

that appear in 300 newspapers:
Ethel, Porterfield and the two-
highly successful Mister Boffo.
24 jokes à . 104 a month. or 1248 a

he's

that

ТГ ОШУ HES
ALITTLE Bir.

JANES SCHNEPF

as
Far Sidr

year,” Martin says, casually adding that
Iso scripting a Mister Boffo movie
and building a home television studio.
artin. who comes u
ig aimlessly ev
hours, has also written four books, in-
cluding How to Hang a Spoon. about
an art he has obviously mastered.
79 Oddly, he almost didnt make it as a
ХО cartoonist.
me 1 was too close to another strip

with his jokes by

for seven

n the Seventies, they told

y Larson's The

ng—
he explains. But Lar-
son took off, and soon after,
Martin followed. The two
shai
but Martins work may be
even more warped, one day

ag household hints
Mr. С Man, the

called
ny

guinlike
The Tit People. "A lot of
ideas don't make it into the
nits. Like the

amazons

n y” the
ns. The psy-
їз thought-
fully, “Why dont you kill
them?” GENE STONE

HEAD OF THE

N don't want to punch in the foce.” Sobel's
high-speed demolitions of pop culture
have also made him a hit on The Tonight
Show and Fridoy Night Videos. Recent-
ly, he trained Tom Hanks for his role as
a stond-up comic in the upcoming com-
edy Punchline. "lt was like teaching Pi-
casso to finger-paint," says Sobel, who
co-wrote Honks's character's on-stage
singer who closes acts with the material ond plays a supporting role in
drained protest "I сап? іо no more!” Ihe film. “Every day at 11 or 12, he'd call
Some of ће L.A. Lakers adopted the slogan on their way to and say, ‘Barry, get up! We're having lunch.’ I'd go over, we'd
the 1987 МВА title, and Eddie Murphy called Sobel “the on- have lunch, we'd nop, we'd watch videos, we'd go home. But
ly white comedian who, when he does block characters, you іп between there, we wrote a lot cf funny stuff” —kevin COOK

"You live, you learn, you joke, you move on,”
soys Barry Sobel, who hos lived 25 years,
learned razor-shorp timing, joked for crowds
ranging from o handful to 250,000 and moved on
to become this yecr's one-man multimedia comic
event. Raised on “pizza and visits to the derma-
tologist,” the Manhattan-born Sobel first broke
through with black oudiences, doing an
uncannily accurate James Brown-style

PONY
POWER

In the Olympic equestrian trials, an event
thats like a triathlon for the four-legged.
Bruce Davidson ended up straddling the d th

podium by winning both first and second А buka a
[ша ever pulled J which they both
oif that feat Besen plays

Jumping from thin nasse У
one moun to ће third, jam. Бох”
next, {һе unstop- a compact ghet-

pable Davidson
to blaster they
rode four horses preprogram to

for the three-day play all the re-

event. broke a 2

rib and eamed I il

ТЕЕ A Barts ттер

lo Seoul for two \

GERRE Air in 1986 with
fa spoof on

was an awe-
some day” he y Yuppies called
© The Future's
recalls. “I'm nol So BA
sure if I would Ж ا‎ fi
advise it again” опа fear
A veleran of
three Olym-
Pies—Munich,

MARRIED, WITH JAM BOX

It's a small band big on
ай ез tech. Pat Mac-

bara K more than five

their new,
second al-

Н
8
5
Е
В

Montreal and 3 bum, Eden Al-

Los Angeles— ley, makes their

and the holder of á own future just as
two Olympic golds and a silver, the 38- bright. “You've got
yearold Davidson has been called the y E to remember—we
Mark Spitz of horse sports. “I've just been at i |, Started out playing
it a long time,” he demurs. Two сі his best r tips in bars, re-
horses, Dr Peaches and J J Babu, have | calls К, 31 (he's 36).
had equine-flu inoculations in preparation Now, thanks to two
for the summer Olympics. Even though | ceived al-

only one can compele, by taking bolh, N bui a cameo in
Davidson increases the odds of having a һе film D.O.A. and a
healthy horse in South Korea. "I can be fit shot on Saturday
and in the best shape ever.” he says, "bul if Night Live, those
my horse ізгі well, then it just isnt much of a ears are over.

competition." -AMY ENGELER —GERRIELIM

JEFF BAKER

PLAYBOY

150

ELECTION HIELD HOSTAGE

(continued from page 74)

“Reagan had informants at the CIA, the NSC, even
inside the White House Situation Room.”

Debategate. The Subcommittee on Hu-
man Resources, chaired by Democratic
Representative Don Albosta of Mich
spent nearly a year reviewing internal Rea-
gan-campaign operations. lts definitive
report, “Unauthorized Transfers of Non-
public Information During the 1980 Pr
dential Election," was released in Мау
1984. It shocked the few who read its 2400
pages. What had begun as a routine i
quiry into the alleged theft of a debate
briefing book exploded into a damning in-
dictment of a campaign staff that cm-
ployed unethical—if not ill
whenever convenient. The subcommittee
didn't mince words: “As the documents
and witness statements show, Reagan-Bush
campaign officials both sought and ас-
quired nonpublic Government and Carter-
Mondale information and materials.”

The subcommittee's greatest wrath was
reserved for the October Surprise group.
William Casey had constructed a vast
surveillance network that collected inter-
nal White House data. Richard Allen est
mates that perhaps 120 foreign-policy
and

national security consult
affiliated with the Reagan campaign;
many had military or intelligence back-
grounds. (In comparison, the Govern-
ments National Security Council employs
only 65 forcign-policy professionals.)

US. district court judge Harold Greene,
reviewing a motion for a Special Prosecu-
tor, had only criticism for "an information-
gathering apparatus employed by a
Presidential campaign that uses former
agents of the FBI and the CIA." The Jus-

ants were

tice Department, run by Reagan
pointecs, saw no need for a Special
Prosecutor.

The complex October Surprise appa
tus was admirably staffed and structured.
At Меезез urging, Admiral Robert Gar-
rick, a retired naval-reserve officer, creat-
ed a network of loyalists—retired, reserve
and active-duty Servicemen—at military
bases around the country. The
structed to report any aircraf
that might be related to the hos
tion. It proved effective. For

example,
Brigadier General Johnny Grant, of the
California National Guard, apparently

telephoned Admiral Garrick with news of
rcraft maneuvers near “where the spare
parts are,” implying that the Carter Ad-
ministration was preparing to exchange
military aid for the hostages.

Allen, Ikle and Lehman monitored
White House policy decisions for the
camp. “We had two firm and enduring
rules," Allen said recently. "Do not inte!
fere with the hostage situation. Deal with
no classified information.”
ently
ing those guidelines. The Albosta subcom-
mittee discovered that by October 1980,
senior Reagan advisors had informants at
the CIA, the Defense Intelligence Agency
(DIA), the NSC, even inside the White
House Situation Room. Morcover, those
informants had security clearances rang-
ing from “Confidential” to “Eyes Onh
Several NSC stall. members later testified
that they had “close friendships” with Rea-
gan aides.

ad difficulty enforc-

“And we ask you, Lord, to guide and
protect us as ше maim, commit bodily harm and lear

our opponents’ heads off.

Those friendships ofien resulted in the
ing of confidential documents. Four-
r generals gave the Reagan camp de
of the Stealth-bomber project. Seer
of State Ed Muskie’s agenda for SALT II
talks landed оп Meese's desk. Allen re-
ceived stall reports intended solely. for
National Security Advisor Zbigniew
Brzezinski. "TI

times

the highest n

Washington Post.
The Reagan team was not above paying
mant who al-

The info

Запе
Casey was paid $2860, оме
search papers that he apparently never

While those bits and pieces were un
doubtedly useful to the Reagan campaign,
its primary concern was getting data on
the hostages. Here, too, the quality and
quantity of its espionage was exceptional
Between State Department
briefings, leaks and th hases, Rea-
gan advisors may hav
about the crisis the President.
Secret—Eyes Only" and “Se i
documents Пот the U.S, embassy
‘Tehran were found in Ronald Reagan's
personal campaign file. Reagan said he
didn't know how they got there. Angelo
Codevilla, a Senate Intelligence Comn
tee staff member, probably passed to Rea
gan headquarters details on the hostage:
whereabouts in Tehran. One entry in AH
les telephone log reads, “13 October
1980, 1151 Angelo Codevilla—938-9702.
DIA—Hostages—all back in compound
last week. Admin. embargoed intelligence.
Confirmed." Allen could not offer an expla
nation, though the message—written in

his hardly cryptic. An-
г 10, 1980
sc of hostages for

paris"), suggests that the Кар;
pa
ing an arms swap with the Irani:
are the initials of Fred C. Ikle.)

Many of Reagan's best moles were moti
vated less by devotion to the Republic
nus toward Carter. That was
с of those in the intelligence
ah was de-
er chewed out the CLA for mis-
unrest’ in Iran, Не
of Central Intelli-
sfield Turner, and re-
organized or fired much of the Middle
East division. Not surprisingly, relations
between the White House and the CLA
grew increasingly hostile. “There was no
doubt that the CIA was more Republican
and didn't like the Democrats,” says Adi
ral Turner. "And Um certain that many
hoped a Republica to the
White House.”

CIA ope
Carter's last year

gence, Admir

would ret

ns virtually collapsed. in
"The Carter Administra-
serious mistake," noted
Charlie Beckwith, the colonel in charge of
the Desert One rescue team. “A lot of the

old whores—guys with lots of street sense
and experience—left the agency.”

Another CIA asset volunteers, "Stan
Turner fired the best CIA operatives over
the hostage crisis. The firees agreed
among themselves that they would remain
in touch with one another and with their
contacts and continue to operate more or
less as independents.”

Casey courted those malcontents with
considerable success. For example, Gener-
al Richard Ellis, then head of the Strategic
Air Command, put his services at Reagan's
disposal. One memo to Meese noted, "Due
to his rank and position, [General Ellis]
cannot formally institute a meeting, but if
a meeting were requested Бу R.R., he
would be happy to sit down with him.
[The general] wants
to blow Jimmy
Carter out of the
water" Reagan later
appointed Ellis to
the US.-Soviet
Standing Consulta-
tive Commission.

Reagan's selection
of George Bush as
running mate also
proved — serendi
tous. Bush had
served as Gerald
Ford's Director of
Central Intelli
gence, an appoint-
ment he once called
“the best job in
Washington." Al-
though his tenure
lasted less than a
year, he maintained
informal ties to the
agency after he left
and staffed his ill-
fated Presidential
campaign with for-
mer CIA officials.
When the Bush and
Reagan campaigns
merged in July
1980, their imel-
ligence-gathering
abilities increased
substantially. Many
CIA veterans. close
to Bush, notably former CIA
Security Robert Gambino, assi
and Allen in campaign activit

“Bush certainly had the ab
connections—to get the campaign into the
intelligence communities,” says Turner.

Prescott Bush, the Vice-President
ed а consultant
k ask Force named
Herbert Cohen. In a September 2, 1980,
letter to James Baker (George Bush's cam-
paign manager and now Secretary of the
Treasury), Prescott Bush said he expected
that Cohen would provide the campaign
with “some hot information on the
hostages.” Cohen eventually sent Casey
four confidential NSC reports.

rector of
ed Casey

By the fall of 1980, the Carter White
House was riddled with moles, spies and
informers. But preoccupied by the contin-
uing crises and the campaign, the Presi-
dent's advisors remained ignorant of the
dirty tricks being played by the Reagan-
Bush team. “We were aware that we had
made enemies," says Jody Powell, "but we
didnt think they were inside, chipping
away at our foundation." Given the sensi-
tivity of the stolen documents and the im-
punity with which the moles acted, the
Presidents defenses, like those at the em-
bassy in Tehran, were pitifully inadequate.

BACK CHANNELS

In desperation over the Iranians’ refusal
to deal with the United States on the diplo-

size up the competition. Then taste and compare for smoothness.

We ber "ds.

matic level, the Carter White House
looked to unofficial channels as a means to
resolve the cri

In February 1980, Dr. Cyrus Hashemi, a
former Iranian CIA operative turned
made the Administration an
ойсг. Claiming to be a cousin of Hashemi
Rafsanjani, one of Khomeini's lieutenants
and later speaker of the Majles (Iran's par-
jament), Dr. Hashemi said he had contac
ed Khomei advisors and found them
willing to revive negotiations. If the Pres
dent wished, he would gladly open back
channels. There was, of course, a cate
The Iranians would free the prisoners on-
ly in exchange for US. offensive weapons.

A word about arms: After the 1953 CIA-
sponsored coup that installed Ке
as shah, Iran depended on the U
nearly all its military hardware and trair
ing. In 1978, shortly before he was de-
posed, the shah paid US. defense
contractors more than $300,000,000 for
arms and spare parts. Alter the Islamic
revolution, however, the V House em-
bargoed all military shipments to Iran,
and the shah's purchases were never deli
егей. Without US. ammunition and sp;
parts, the ayatollahs American-equipped
military was approaching paralysis.

When Hashemi suggested that Iran
might be willing to bargain, there was rea-
son to think the proposal legitimate. “We
felt an outsider would have a better chance
of getting to Kho-

Department official.
“We were quite will-
ing to consider any-

thing. A weapons
package didn't seem
unreasonable, espe-
cially since it had
been paid for” Dr
Hashemi was re-
ferred to State De-
partment officials,
but after several

weeks of discuss

The fact that a
covert arms trade
even seriously
considered by the
Administration sent
dangerous signals to
the munitions un-
derworld. “Iranian
arms merchants
were coming out of
the woodwork," says
Gary Sick, principal
White House ai
for 1

were mostly
some
really disreputable
characters, out for honor and profit.

Houshang Lavi probably came closest to
circumventing Presidential authority. A
naturalized American born in Iran, Lavi
acquired an intimate knowledge of Iran
an internal politics by brokering various
arms deals (he arranged the sale of F-14
aircraft to the shah in the mid
In December 1978, he participated in a
covert CIA mission that removed high-
tech Phoenix missiles from Tehran when
the shah’s days were numbered.

Lavi was infuriated by the hostages’ pro-
longed captivity and was certain that
could have been avoided. After the dis:
trous Eagle Claw helicopter rescue attempt
in April 1980, it was obvious to him that

They
opportunists,

151

PLAYBOY

152

Carter would never appease the ayatollah,
so he took the initiative. As Lavi put it a
cur meeting on Long Island, "/ attempted
to free the hostages.”

In the spring of 1980, Lavi approached
Mitchell Rogovin, a lawyer with the John
Anderson Presidential campaign, with a
unusual offer. ranian president
Bin
hostage negotiations," says Rogovin. 1
sketched out an arms-for-hostages pl
similar to the one Hashemi had offered ıhe
Department of State eight months earlier.
Lavi made one demand: If they succeeded,
еди must not go to Cartel
He was adamant about that," says Ro-
govin. "He wanted it known that Carter's
abilities were severely limited.

Lavi's offer scared the Anderson cam-
involve the candidate in negoti
ations regarding the hostages . . . was too
dicey to contemplate,” wrote Alton Frye,
Anderson's director of policy ріш
But rather than risk losing an opening to
“Tehran, the Anderson campaign referred
Lavi to the State Department.

The White House had no doubt that
Lavi could deliver F-14 parts to ‘Tehran;
whether he could get the hostages out was
another stc n arms swap, legitimate
as it may have been, was tantamount to
paying ransom to terrorists,” says a Carter
aide. “Too risky, too unreliable. Carter had
some real problems with it.” In the end,
the White House ignored all outside offers
and settled in for the long haul.

SABOTAGED NEGOTIATIONS

In September 1980, Carter's patience
was rewarded. Sadegh Tabatabai, Kho-
meini’s influential relative, contacted
Washington with an urgent. proposition.
Iran would free the hostages if the U.S. re-
leased Iran's financial assets, refrained
from intervention in Iranian affairs, and
returned the shah’s property, including the
military supplies that had been paid for.

After months of silence, Iran was unde
standably cager to resume talks. The Iran-
Iraq war, which began in late September
1980, had inflicted heavy casualties on the
Iranian army ck market could
provide only a fraction of the supplies Iran
needed. Khomeini grudgingly acknowl-
edged his dependence on Satan America.

The White House recognized that it
would have to deliver some arms and spare
parts to Iran as part of an over-all settle-
ment. "We suggested [to the Iranians] that
we would make $150,000,000 worth of mil-
itary equipment available to them after the
hostages were released," states White
House aide Gary Sick. “In fact, we held a
lot more, as much as $300,000,000. But
there were many offensive weapons and
classified materials we didn't want to get
back to Iran.” Carter reluctantly approved
an arms package that omitted all offensive
weapons and lethal aid

Reagan advisors panicked when they
learned that Carter was close to a deal. In
an October 15th memo marked SENSITIVE

AND CONFIDENTIAL, Allen informed Reagan,
Meese and Casey that ап “unimpeachable
source" had warned him of an impending
hostage seulement: "The last week of Oc-
tober is the likely time for the hostages to
be released. . . . This could come at any
moment, as a bolt out of the blue.

(Allen says that his source was reporter
John Wallach, who Allen believes learned
confidential details of the negotiations
Пот Secretary of State Edmund Muskie.)

Reagan loyalists then made several at-
tempts at undermining Carter. On Octo-
ber 15, 1980, WLS-TV, the Chicago АВС
affiliate, announced that the President was
about to approve an arms-for-hostages ex-
change and that five Navy planes loaded
with offensive weapons were prepared for
a flight to Tehran to consummate the deal.
Not a word was true. Larry Moore, who
broke the story, allegedly got his misinfor-
mation from a highly placed member of
the US. Intelligence community who was
inked to the Reagan campaign. Soon aft-
ex, columnist George Will, a Reagan boost-
cr, remarked that a fleet of transports
loaded with arms was bound for Kho-
meini's army. On October 17, The Washing-
ton Post got closer to the truth when it
reported that а spares-for-hostages deal
was an clement of the hostage settlement.
outcry over those planted
Carter was accused
of dishonoring America, of caving in to
terrorist. blackmail. As that weren't
enough, the Iran negotiations began to
founder. ‘lwo weeks before the election,
Tabatabai suddenly became inscrutable.
He delayed, changed terms at random
and, mysteriously, abandoned demands for
arms, He also reneged on a promise to
have the hostages home by Election Day.

There is no doubt that in the last weeks
of the campaign, Reagan-Bush campaign
members successfully undermined Ca
ters diplomatic efforts. Their espionage,
for the most part, was confined to Wash-
ington power circles. But they also at-
tempted to deal directly with the Iranians.

In September 1980, Allen gota call from
Jane, then an authority on
Tran for the Senate Armed Services Com-
mittee. McFarlane told Allen that he knew
a representative of the lr
ment who might be useful. "
wanted us to meet him; he was emphati
recalls Allen. "And against my better judg-
ment, 1 agreed." Allen asked another cam-
paign advisor, Laurence Silberman, to
ccompany him.

The four met in the lobby of Г.
Plaza Hotel in Washington. The Iranian
envoy informed them that he was on good
terms with Khomeinis inner circle. “Then
he spun a web about how he could get the
hostages released directly to our campaign
before the election,” recalls Silberman
“And at that point, we cut him off. Neither
Allen nor 1 had any interest in his pro-
posal. I told him flat-out that we have only
one President at a time and that all deals

regarding the hostages would have to go
through official channels.” After 20 min-
utes, Allen and Silberman thanked the
Iranian envoy for his concern and lelt.
End of story If you take them at their
word, everyone behaved with what Silb
man called “scrupulous propriety” Maybe
In the interest of national security, the
Reagan team certainly could have герон-
ed this overture to the White House, as the
Anderson campaign had honorably done
with Houshang Lavi

Amor things, the paucity of de
tails makes the account disturbing, The
time and date of the conference, even the
envoy's identity, are all unknown. Allen re
members him as an oddball, a “flake,” an.
Iranian living
he might have been North African. (Mc
arlane has yet to return our calls.) But
considering the enormity of the епуоуз
proposal, and Allen's own well-document-
ed obsession with Iranian affairs, that par
ticular blackout scems too convenient.

Three highly respected professionals,
whose livelihoods depend өп recalling
names, faces and events, unaecountably
develop amnesia. ls unlikely that they
1 meet an envoy without knowing be-
ind his status, reliabi ad objec-
tive. McFarlane would presumably have
used every facility at his disposal to make
sure the contact was legitimate. If he had
had any reservations, it's doubtful that he
would have been so insistent. And if Mc-
Farlane’ judgment was so poor—if the en-
voy was a “flake"—ics even more doubtful
that he would have been welcomed into the
next Administration.

But while Allen, McFarlane and Silber-
man were daiming to reject the deal in
Washington, their colleagues were scan-
ning the globe for similar openings (0
Iran. PL.O. representativo Bassam Abu
Sharif, Yasir Arafat's chief spokesman,
told journalist Morgan Strong that a Rea-
gan backer had approached PL.O, head-
quarters. “During the first campaign, the
Reagan people contacted me," el bu
Shar “One of Reagan's closest friends
and a major financial contributor to the
-. „Не kept referring to him as
Hesaid he wanted the PL.O. to
use its influence to delay the release of the
American hostages from the embassy in
Tehran until after the elec
asked that I contact the chi
and make the reque:
that if the hostages were held, the PL.O.
would be given recognition as the legiti
mate representative of the Palestinian рео-
ple and the White House door would be
open for us.

The PL.O. was a reasonable
serve as hostage broker. Two weeks after
the emb; ke-over, Arafat negotiated
the release of 13 Americans. If Arafat.
ld persuade Khomeini to release some
hostages, he might just as easily persuade
him to hold the rest a little longer.

The PLO. has so far refused to docu-
ment those charges. “We have the proof if

aims

hoice to

it is denied.” says Abu Sharif. “And they
said they would deny it if it ever became
public. 1 hope it does, because I would like
to drop the bombshell on them." Still, we
have no corroborating details to confirm
the account,

Its clear, though, that Reagan advisors
took foolish. ri Barbara Honegger, a
former policy analyst in the Reagan WI
House, is certain that at least one of thei
initiatives paid off. In late October 1980,
while she was working at the Reagan cam-
paign headquarters in Arlington, Virgin-
ia, an excited staff member boasted, “We
dont have to worry about an October Su
prise. Dick cut a deal.” Her colleague, she
suggests, was referring to Richard Allen,
and the deal involved the American
hostages in Tehran.

THE TRAGEDY
OF BANI-SADR

Among the casu-
of the hostage
crisis were the two
presidents of the ad-
versary countries,
Jimmy Carter and
Abolhassan Bani
Sadr. Although sep-
arated by vast
political and cultur-
al differences, thcir
personal — philos
phies were surpris
ingly similar. Lil
Carter, Bani Sadr
advocated human
rights, the demo-
cratic values of the
Islamic revolution
and stability in the
Middle Fast. Both
worked feverishly to
end the hostage
standoff. And both
were ousted by the
same despot

Carter limped
home to Plains.
Bani-Sadr, too often
on the losing side of
a three-year power
struggle that saw
many of his col-
leagues executed, Ned Iran in the night.
Alter six weeks in hiding, he surfaced in
July 1981, when France offered. political
asylum on the condition that he give up
politics. He has spent the past seven
quietly brooding over the pol
tion in his country,

When the Iran/Centra scandal broke in
November 1986, Bani-Sadr began making
startling accusations. The Reagan arms-
for-hostages scenario, he claimed, was not
; Reagan had made an
n months before he was
first elected. From the wilderness of exile,
his charges rarely made it to America, And
even when they did, he was portrayed as a
bad loser and his charges were dismissed.

"Then, in the fall of 1987, two things hap-
pened: Allen admitted to having met an
Iranian envoy on behalf of the Reagan-
Bush camp, and Israel was discovered to
have sold Iran American-made military
supplies in 1981. Bani-Sadr's claims took
on disturbing credibi

In April 1988,
to interview the ex
arrived, the French government was em-
broiled in a scandal eerily similar to the
one we were investigating. Prime Minister
Jacques Chirac had secretly paid Iranian
terrorist groups close to $30,000,000 in
ransom for three hostages, purchasing an
ance his battle
against President Francois Mitterand in
the upcoming election. The French elec-

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torate was not swayed.

Bani-Sadr first learned that the ayatol-
lah was considering a secret deal with the
Reagan-Bush campaign in late September
1980. Hashemi Rafsanjan one of
Khomeini’s key advisors, was sending a
secret emissary to the United States to as-
sess the political situation and try to ar-
range a more lucrative settlement than the
one the White House was off
was that emissary, Bi
contacted McFarlane and later met Allen
and Silberman in Washington.

Rather than reject the envoy, as Allen
and Silberman claim, Bani-Sadr insists
that Reagans campaign advisors em-
braced his basic plan. Before returning to

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Iran, the envoy had other meetings with
senior Reagan advisors. “They agreed in
principle that the hostages would be liber-
ated after the election," says Bani-Sadr,
"and that, if elected, Reagan would
provide significantly more arms than
Carter ‚offering.

“For Khomeini, working with Reagan
was preferable for several reasons,” he
says. “Reagan represented the working
capital of the 'd States—he had close
ties to the banks, the financial communi-
ty—so trade would be easier With
Reagan President, Khomeini could al-
sotell his people that he had destroyed two
enemies of the revolution: the shah and
the man who harbored the shah, Jimmy
Carte

Bani-Sadr
tains that with the
election drawing
near, the Reagan-
Bush team was ea-

main-

ger to finalize a deal
At some point dur-
ing the last two
weeks of October,
with the election
days away, a final
meeting was held
in Paris, at the
Hotel Raphael

There were three
factions present," he
claims. "Representa-
tives of the Reagan
campaign, repre-
sentatives of the ауа-
tollah—Mohammed
Beheshti [head of
the radical group
Hezbollah] and Raf-
sanjani—and in-
dependent arms

merchants. I have
confirmed several
of ıhe names: Dr.

Cyrus Hashemi.
Manucher Ghor-
banifar and Albert
Hakim.”

Representing the
Reagan-Bush cam-
paign, says Bani-
Sadr, was none other
than George Bush.

That last detail struck us as implausible.
It would have been extremely difficult for a
Vice-Presidential candidate to sneak off to
Paris in the last weeks of a frenet
paign for a clandestine meeting, Ba
appreciated our skepticism. He in:
however, that hi:
and that by late Octobe
reached a serious stage that req
commitment from the highest le
Reagan-Bush campaign.

(At our request, Kirstin Taylor, the Vice-
President's Deputy Press Secretary, recon-
structed Bush's schedule for October 1980.
With the exception of a few rest days and
Sundays, there are no extended gaps in his

negotiations had
ed a
1 of the

153

PLAYBOY

154

inerary. T heoretically, however, a round-
trip journey to Paris could have been ac-
complished within a day's time.)

In exchange for keeping the hostages
until Inauguration Day, the Americans
pledged that Iran would receive US. mi
tary supplies. Representatives of the Rea-
an campaign assured the Iranians that
“third parties—independent arms mer-
chants, friendly foreign governmer
would handle delivery of specific partsand
weapons,” says Bani-Sadr.

Bani-Sadr concedes that much of h
telligence comes second-hand. “As presi-
dent, ] knew that a deal was under
consideration, but I was unaware that it
had been consummated until after the
arms arrived.” He didn't learn more de-
tails until a year after he was exiled.
nds and loyalists within the Iranian
military began sending him photocopies
of secret Islamic Revolutionary Party doc-
uments, several of which are said to de-
scribe the hostage deal. Throughout our
interview, he consulted official-looking pa-
pers written in Farsi. “These documents
are extremely sensitive,” he says. "I don't
want them circulated. It would seriously
endanger my sources. If a Congressional
investigator came here, | would take the
risk and give him copies.”

Mansur Farhang, a former UN ambas-
sador from Iran, also believes that some
arrangement was made with the Reagan
camp. "Khomeini did not make disunc-
tions among American politicians,” says
aan “Не regarded them all as dan-

s. But in October [1980], I noticed an
abrupt change in his attitude. He became
accommodating, very relaxed about the
prospect of a Reagan Presidency."
Farhang regards Bani-Sadr's

intelli-

gence as sound but fragmentary. “Bani-
Sadr puts the bits and pieces together
himself and constructs something that he
regards as the truth,” he cautions. Still,
many elements of Bani-Sadr's story have
been corroborated.

Mansur Rafizadeh, a former SAVAK
chief and CIA asset, insists that a Paris
meeting took place in mid-October, as
Bani-Sadr described. Representing the
Reagan-Bush campaign were Donald
Gregg. a former CIA official (later Bush's
National Security Advisor), and an author-
ity on Iran who served as a translator.
Rafizadeh has also stated that elements
within the CIA endorsed. Reagan-Bush
сохеп efforts: "Some CIA agents [in Iran]
were briefed by agency officers to per-
suade Khomeini not to release his prison-
ers until Reagan was sworn in. . . . The
CIA now sentenced the American hostages
10 76 more days of imprisonment." (Seven-
ty-six days is the time between the election
and the Inauguration.)

Additional evidence lends credence to
Bani-Sadr's account. When Tabatabai re-
sumed talks with the State Department in
September 1980, ary equipment
headed his list of demands. But, unac-
countably, on October 22, Iran dropped all
references to these supplies. "This oc-
curred because Iran had been guaranteed
another source of U.S. arms,” explains an
Iranian journalist.

Whether or not an agreement was
reached between Khomeini and the Rea-
gan-Bush campaign, the fact remains that
the ayatollah achieved all of his objectives
by the time the hostages were released. He

iliated the U.S., got rid of Carter and
па! shah,” secured the transfer

"Can't I ever comment about your cooking without your
reminding me why I married you?”

ms to his
raise Allah,
s.

ensured a steady Now of US
military. The faithful might
but the glory was all Khome

ISRAEL AND ARMS

On July 18, 1981, a cargo plane return-
ing to Tel Aviv from Tehran strayed into
Soviet airspace and was shot down by a
МІС along the боме Turkish border.
According to the London 5 unday Times,
the plane was chartered by a
broker, who intended to send 3
ағу hardware—worth $30,000,000—
to the Iranian military Three shipments
of American-made spare parts for M-48
tanks (which formed the bulk of Irans
land forces) had made it through befor
the cargo plane was shot down. The Israeli
foreign ministry denied any involvement,
but several officials quietly conceded that
their agents had sold Fran paris and arms
shortly afier Reagan took office.

As early as February 1981, Secretary of
State Alexander Haig was briefed on Is-
raeli arms sales to Iran. In November, De-
fense Minister Ariel Sharon asked Haig to
approve the sale of F-14 parts to Tehran.
While the proposal was in direct opposi-
tion to publicized Administration objec-
tives, Sharon pitched it as a way of gaining
favor with Iranian “moderates.” Accord-
ing to The Washington Post, Haig was am-
bivalent but gave his tacit consent, with the
approval of top Administration officials,
notably Robert McFarlane.

Israeli ambassador Moshe Arens later
told The Boston Globe that Iranian arms
sales had been discussed and approved at
“almost the highest levels” of US. Govern-
ment in spring 1981. In fact, Reagans Sen-
ior Interdepartmental Group agreed in
July 1981 that the US. should tacitly en-
courage third-party arms sales to Iran as a
way of “advancing US. interests in the
Middle East.” The tive was such a
icant reversal of US. policy that
likely that Haig would have given his
consent without the President’s knowledge
and approval. Haig refuses to comment.

In November 1986, the Administration
finally allowed that the Israelis had deliv-
ered US. military supplies to Iran in the
early Eighties. The State Department
downplayed the sales, claiming that the
amount of arms Iran received was trivial,
that only $10,000,000 or $15,000,000
worth of nonlethal aid had reached Iran.
‘That figure was hotly disputed. The New

Iran received 2.8 billion dollars in suppl:
from nine countries, including the U.S.
A West German newspaper placed the
figure closer to $500,000,000. Bani-Sadr
said that his administration alone received
$50,000,000 worth of parts. Houshang
Lavi believes Khomeini got at least
$500,000,000 in military supplies.

n a position to know. In 1981, he
and Israeli arms dealer Yacobi Nimrodi rc-
portedly sold HAWK n
ance systems to Iran. In Aj

1981, Western Dynamics International, a
Long Island company run by ам broth-
ers, contracted to sell the Iranian ai
$16,000,000 worth of bomb fuses д
Admiral Bobby Ray Ir
Deputy Di
gence, said that the
Israel and private arms dealers were mak-
ing sizable deliveries to Iran. The Reagan
White House raised no objections.
Fighteen months after Reagan took
office, Iran had received virtually all the
spare parts and weapons that Carter had
refused to include in his hostage accord.

ТИЕ TOWER OMISSION

By the spring of 1987, no fewer than five
Government panels (one by the Presi-
dent's special review
board, one by the
Senate, two by Con-
gress, one by Spe-
cial Prosecutor
Lawrence Walsh)
were investigating
charges that the
Reagan Administra-
tion had — will
fully violated U
law—and its own
policy—by secretly

arming Iranians
and funding the
Contras.

As thorough as
those investigations
were, two glaring
omissions are now
coming to light: the
CIA's drug connec-
tion to the Contras

and the pre-1985
arms deals with
Iran. Little consi

eration was given
to the possibility
that the Iran/Contra
ive might have
its genesis in

had
either Reagan's 1980

Presidential cam-
paign or іп the
opening months of
his first term. It is
difheult to under-
stand why The same names and many of
the same methods keep turning up in
both the Iran/Contra and the Debategate
inquiries.

Many of the investigators have claimed
that the issue was beyond their jurisdic-
tion. The Tower commission, for example,
was an examination of NSC operations,
not of Reagan campaign ethics. "We had a
very simple mandate," says Senator John
Tower, who chaired the President's special
w board, “and that was to focus on (he
origins of the Iran/Contra initiative. It was
an immense task, and we had 88 days in
luate voluminous documents
and interview the participants. We also
had limited powers. We found no reason to

expand our inquir! ator Tower
and Brent Scowcroft were former bosses of
McFarlane, and Edmund Muskie was re-
ported to have leaked W House infor-
mation while he was Carters Secretary of

State. Those three men were the Tower

While the in were indifferent
to Reagan's pre-1985 conduct, a handful of
journalists pursued the charges: notably,
Leslie Cockburn of CBS News, Alfonso
Chardy of The Miami Herald and Christo-
pher Hitchens of The Nation. Not until Flo-

a Lewis, a columnist for The New York
Tunes, published a piece in August 1987
that essentially promoted Bani-Sadr's alle-

ations. did Washington take notice.
Leader Robert Byrd

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weighed the evidence and became the first
politician to link 1980 Reagan campaign
practices with Irangate. He made an im-
passioned plea for truth on the Senate
floor on August 7, 1987: “The secret policy
of arming the ayatollah may have begun
early in the Eighties .. . this bribery-and-
ransom strategy was on the minds of the
inner circle of Presidential advisors even
before his Administration took office.
What other explanation is there for the al-
legation .. of a meeting between Mr. Al-
len, the first security advisor 10 the
President, and a campaign official, who ap-
parently met with Iranian officials and
who may have been linked to Israeli ship-
ments of weapons to the ayatollah in the

m-
m strategy. It needs
ion, in my judgment.”
John Conyers, Jr., chair-
minal Justice Subcommit-
tee, is beginning that investigation. “Is
going to be difficult,” says Frank Askin,
special counsel. “Some of the
people implicated are in protracted legal
battles. Some have reason not to talk. 1
дот expect them to be very helpful.” Con-
yers must soon decide whether the
evidence warrants—and the public can
tolerate—yet another Congressional inves-
ligation.

The Debategate and Iran/Contra affairs
have already proved that members ol the
Reagan Administra-
tion engaged in de
сен on an impressive
scale. Whether they
committed greater
crimes has ус to
be tested under
oath. One thing
clear: The stor
significantly more
complex than the
public has been led
to believe. There are
too many secret
deals, too many
memory lapses and
shredded docu-
ments for the file to
be closed with any
convietios

.
The Май Street
Journal, Friday, June
10, 1988: “OCTOBER
SURPRISE?”
Speculation
is raised about
an Iranian
hostage ploy. A
National Secur-
ity Council staff
memo warns
that Iran may
пу to use the
nine American
hostages
Lebanon as po-
litical pawns during the Bush-Dukak-
is race. The memo, written by Middle
East specialist Robert Oakley, foresees
possible offers to release some
hostages before the November elec-
tions. The price, some ofhicials think:
a promise that Bush would soften the

whose colleagues told him he would
be “crazy” to meet secretly with Iran,
US. officials зау The speculation is
partly a
tion to п

155

PLAYBOY

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MORTON DOWNEY, JR.

(continued from page 123)
can't, but 1 bet 1 сап double my fist up and
put it through his face.

10.
pLavnov: You're a psychiatrists wet dream
Does your shrink know the real Morton
Downey?
powsey: 1 don't go to shrinks, because 1
don't trust them. They create diseases, ill-
nesses and imaginary problems to keep
themselves employed. What you see on The
Morton Downey, Jr, Show is a one-hour
truncation of Morton Downey, |125, 24-
hour day. All the emotions—whether they
‚ joy, anger—

тлұвоу: Explain the incident іп Sacra-
mento when you were bootcd off your ra-
dio show for telling a racial joke.

vowsey: What was an alleged racial joke.
The real reason 1 got thrown off the air
that Га made а deal with the station
that I would get a $25,000 bonus if 1 do
bled its ratings. | doubled them in the fi
month. They didnt want to live up to their
side of the bargain. I was gone the next

man? I looked through the first, second,
third, fourth and fifth editions of Websters
New Collegiate Dictionary—nothing there.
But in the seventh edition, it says, “China-
man: Chinese—often taken to be offen-
sive.’ lentally, I apologized to the guy
for s g that on the air, and he wouldn't
accept the apology. So the hell with him—
he's the racist!

12.
пллувоу: How much reading do you do for
your shows?
DOWNEY: I have а good stall. It does a lot of
research. 1 do read probably 17 newspa-
pers and magazines a day and three books
а week.

гелувоу: How do you react to physical vio
lence? Are you afraid of someone’ trying
to kill you?

DOWNEY: Not at all. I've had only one bad
incident on the street: Two guys walked up,
and one said to me, "Hey, Mort, right on!"
And the other guy said, "Kiss my ass, you
cocksucking faggot”— because of my
brother, who ight? 1 said, “Where

do I start kissing? You're all ass!” 1

run away from that. I've got to face i
mavsov: In y cr years, did you
have any flings with homosexuality your-
sell?

powney: The closest I came to that was

when I was I] years old and the family
doctor put his mouth on my penis. I knew
that was wrong, but I didnt dare tell my
grandmother, because she was so old. But

every time she'd ask me to go back to that
doctor, I refused. She thought it was be-
cause I was afraid of shots.

15.

avsov: Military school is sometimes seen
asa sort of breeding ground for homosex-
uality Is that how it struck you?

owner: Not really. 1 knew some of that ac-
tivity went on. The things I learned to do
in military school were how to smoke and
masturbate. [Laughs] We had a thing
called a circle jerk,

16.
pLaysoy: Did you ever touch another guy's
dick?
помет: That's a great question. No, never.
Not even interested. Never touched a dick,
but I know a lot of dicks.

17.
PLAYBOY: Are you happy with the si
your dick?
DOWNEY: ГА like to have a bigger dick. You
always think it makes you powerful, more
masterful, more in control, that you're able
to please women more.

18.
pravsov: You ve talked about your mother's
drinking problem. Children of alcoholics
have been recognized as having a specific
set of psychological traits: insecurity, ad-
dictive personality, need for approval. Do
you think you are operating under that dy-
namic?

powsey: No, absolutely not, I һауе all the
approval 1 want from my wife. But if Mort
Downey's demons were laid to rest, he
wouldn't be Mort Downey anymore. An
then he wouldn't be that interesting.

19.

pLavaov: How much of your show is spon-
taneous?

powsey: The first week I did the show, ev-
erything was spontaneous. 1 had no refer-
ence points, I had no knowledge of what
did and didn't work. I'm not a host, I'm ап
advocate. After being on TV for a year.
naturally, there are some things that I did
earlier that have been stored in my memo-
y bank. When something seems to lag, 1
go back to those and use them again. So,
whereas my show used to be 100 percent
spontaneous, it's probably only 90 percent
spontaneous now; and in ten years, it will
be only 80 percent.

е of

20.

тлувох: Doesn't television attract the most
colorful weirdos, not substance?

DOWNEY: Maybe, but you also get commu-
nicators: those who succeed, communi-
е. 15 wonderful that Bill Buckley is as
articulate as he is, but I guarantee you that
Bill Buckley does not communicate with
more than five percent of the American
people. 1 do not have the command of
some of his language. And if Feannotun-
derstand him, what the hell message is he

communicating?

“Yesterday I was Douglas ]. Steiner”

PLAYBOY

HOOGLY MOOGLY (continued fron page 134)

“PTU never understand your generation, she says,
smiling as she hikes up the tweed lawyers shirt."

her bouts with the bottle. For a person
hooked on life's luxuries, she works
maniac on her bodily unit. Before the

comes to fetch her at six am., Sasha ha:
ready done 100 laps in the pool. 1 adn
that.

you attractive? Isn't that the

1 never understand your generation,”

she says, smiling now as she hikes up the
tweed ег skirt. "Come to my little wet
bottom."

And I do.

Tony has proved himself more of а
diplomat than 1 gave him credit for.
Shrewd. By the time we're ready for take
number two on the hall-of-justice scene, he
has done a job worthy of Kissinger. We do
seven retakes in all. Throughout, Debbie
stands there and gets slapped, taking her
lumps like a good soldier. Personally 1
sense that four of those seven retakes are
gratuitous, and ГИ be interested to see the
rushes.

Айе
Thai pl

ғаға, Debbie and 1 head for a little
lace up Topanga way where my crib

happens to be located. Over garlicky
prawns in lemon grass, my best friend
sulks, pushing the little stir-fried creatures
hither and thither about her plate. For a
week now, she has been out of the Holmby
Hills palazzo she shared with the cad, and
temporary lodgings at the Chateau Mar-
mont depress her—they've given her the
same room John Belushi checked out of
feet first.

“Did you ploink her in the trailer?” she
ally asks.

What a question,” I say, trying to be
blasé.

“I thought I detected a caviarlike aroma
when you got back on the set.
I had a tuna sandwich," I lie, “By the
way, why did Achilles drag Hectors body
around the city of Troy?"

“Because he was just that pissed," Debbie
says.

How could you nat be crazy about such a
clever girl?

Later still, we find ourselves up the
canyon at my establishment, a modest
aerie with a distant view of the Pacific, ex-
сері, of course, at night. Without, all is ter-
rifying blackness. I realize that she has

*No, Rosamund, its not Halloween that fills you with
а nameless dread. It's Christmas.”

never been here before after dark, and it
makes me wezk with anticipation. We build
a fre.

1 have been working on the place be-
tween jobs—trying to remind myself what
normal work is—and the interior walls are
mostly knocked out, so it's all like one big
room. Somehow, we wend over to the bed.
The house warms up rapidly. We both sit
Indian style on the bedspread, an absurd.
thing made of more than 100 genuine coy-
ote muzzles. | rather regret the pur-
chase—made after the whopping success
of Crybabies, my first flick. I think about
those poor little wild pups often, and
ing catches in my throat. But as a
practical matter, I hesitate to get rid of it,
you know, give it to the maid or the Salva-
tion Army. After all, the damn thing cost
more than $10,000. In any case, with sur-
prising suddenness, Debbie whips off her
clothes, as if to prove a point іп some kind
of argument that hasn't even taken place.
Physiologically, the stress is so awful that 1
fear some kind of medical disaster: an
aneurysm, perhaps cardiac arrest—rare in
fellows under 35 but nonetheless possible.

"Give her up," she says.

"Huh? Who?”

“The fucking queen of Norway"

"I cant believe you said that."

"I can't believe you said "Who? "

"You just said that, right? That thing
about the queen of Norway?”

“Гуе been rehearsing it for eleven years,
saying it over and over again in my head
like a mantra, just waiung for exactly the
right moment to spring it, and here we are,
Buddy, here we are.”

"This is one of the problems with sar-
casm," I point out. "Its a very inefficient
means of communication."

“Take your clothes ой this very minute,"
she says. “Is that direct enough for you?”

For the second time that day, I disport
myself upon another of the world's most
desired female bodies. We go on and on for
hours. The convulsions of love barely even
satisfy my desire for this extraordinary
maiden. Then, afterward, we lie side by
side as our breathing slowly returns to
normal. Overhead, stars twinkle coldly
through the skylight. Somewhere out
there, I think, the poor lost Wifllehcads
are wandering.

“Now will you give her up?” Debbie asks.

"She's fragile,” 1 say. "She'll feel reject-
ed.”

“Who cares?”

“She could out, hit the bottle, at-
tempt suicide again, Down the drain goes
this picture, along with our profit partici-
pation.”

Debbie considers this fora few moments.
She is no child. You can see the wheels
turning, hear the digital bleeplets as she
racks up her calculations.

“Га have to let her down gently. .. ."

A look of transport suddenly lights up
Debbie's face as though it contained a 150-
watt bulb.

"I've got it,” she says. "Ask her to marry

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PLAYBOY

160

you. She'll drop you like a sack of radioac-
tive shit."

“Isn't that just a bit cruel and devious’

“Hey, after all, who do you love?

“Hoogly moogly.”

‘The very next day, in that trailer full of
dying plants, I ask Sasha to marry me
This provokes a sidelong glance, followed
by a wicked smile. “Silly boy I'm old
enough to be your mother.”

“A technical

It so happens that even as this conversa-
tion occurs, 1 am deep inside her, doggy
style, thinking, What a pig 1 have become.

“Oh, what the hell,” she says with a girl-
ish laugh. “Its only life, Lets do it.”

Imagine my shock

Uh, can we keep it a secret?”

“A secret marriage? How absurd, Bud-
dy”

“No, just the announcement.”

“Oh, Well, yes, for a while, I suppose,
darling.

‘That was noon. Before we break for sup-
per on the set, someone gets hold of that
evening's Herald-Examiner, and what
should be at the bottom of page one but a
big glamor-puss photo of Sasha with an in-
set mug shot of me taken the night I was
booked for punching that paparazzo who
hid himself in the back seat of my car dur
g the Academy Awards show. That will
teach you to buy a big English car, won't it?

Debbie is remarkably self-possesscd,
considering.

Looks like we sort of miscalculated
there, pard,” she tells me che first opportu-
nity we get to be alone, with Sasha off hav-
ing her hairdo repaired.

“Ha,” I glumly agree.

“Maybe you'll only last as long as that
spick billionaire.”

“How long did he last?”

Fight days,” Debbie says. “А үсіп burst
his head.”

“Omigod.
hat was on day five, as I recall,” she
ташев on. "The marriage was already on
the rocks. The illness actually brought
them together for a while.”

“Lord, have mercy on me.” say I, though
generally not given to sanctimony.

“You'll handle it,” she say:

Т can't help but think dl
me. Very well.

Witless with zi

егу; I rey
to the princess’ fairy castle in Bel Air after
the day's shooting. Such a big place for
such a tiny woman. Fountains, stables, the
renowned pool with its statue-dogged

grotto. “Whats mine is yours now, de
boy,” she says.
A supper is arranged. At nine rw, the

limos begin cruising up the circular drive,
as though for somebody's fi . dis-
charging the gerontic princelings of the
silver screen and their consorts:
Huddle, king of the cowpoke:
dwarfish chairman emeritus of
mount; Chucl

Para-
Brawn, often confused with
Moses and sometimes even with God

Almighty, Bunny Hassler,

man in America” (according to Franklin
D. Roosevelt); Chet Lally, the superagent
who, at the age of 91, begins to look like
Amenhotep: and so on down the list. It is
obvious that they loathe me.

For about an hour, everybody talks ex-
treme right-wing politics around the enor-
mous marble table—"Your colored are
draggin this great country right down into
the mud,” says Vance Huddle—and then
one by one, they start dropping off to
dreamland in their seats. Old habits die
hard. Although most of these coots haven't
been on a set in а decade or more, you'd
think they just finished a week of six aat
alls.

Then we are in Sasha's boudoir, a spa-
cious suite of linked chambers (bath.
dressing, bed), a seraglio in so many
shades of pink that it would make a gyne-
cologist cry for mercy. Entering her here, I
have the eerie sense of entering history. 1
imagine my rutting predecessors having at
her little wet bottom, just as 1 do: the ace of
Korea, the Cabinet officer, Count Kluz-
wizcski in his jodhpurs and jaunty helmet,
and so on—not to mention the famous
one-night stands. This is a wicked world. 1
sleep poorly

It all happens so rapidly. Our wedding is
set for the day after we wrap the picture.
Since neither of us is a pious practitioner of
our native-born sects (mine Lutheran,
hers Hebrew), we are to be joined by a
ifornia Court of Appeals judge on
Sasha's terrace. Selec members of the
press corps have been allowed in to avoid
the obstreperous shenanigans that barring
them always entails.

It is to be “a small ceremony” according
to Sasha, “Just a few old friends.” At least
200 show up. They are deployed all over
the Italianate garden. I wait before a shell-
carved marble niche with the judge. A con-
cupiscent look on his face tells me that he
has had the princess a time or two and
doesn't care if I know it. The desire to be
blind drunk in a Mexican hotel registered
under a phony name almost overwhelms
me. A string quartet, hired for the occa-
on, strikes up Mendelssohn's moth-eaten
march. Sasha appears from the house, a
queen bee attended by a swarm of drones.
She looks frighteningly lovely in a little
white-and-gold Charmeuse, not only a
goddess but a virgin. This is, after all, Hol-
Iywood.

Then 1 see Debbie among the faded
lions and the hollow-cheeked duchesses.
She is smiling. She wears a look of com-
plete serenity and confidence. She mouths
some words. [ cant make them out. Huh?
Huh? V squint at her. Finally, I realize what

Aib
by my side, glowing. and

as the judge begins to speak, the blood r

es in my brain like bubbles in a glass of

champagne. There are so many words. He

has to lean forward to get my attention.

“По you, Mr. Burns?" he intones.
"Do I what?" I croak.

"Take this woman to be your lawfully
wedded wife?

Once again, I see Debbie, this time over
Sasha's head. Something in my heart sud-
denly seems to burst, and a flood tide of
emotion rises in my gorge.

“Mr. Burns.” the judge repe:
impatiently

“Oh, say

s a little

ng." Sasha whispers.

t: “Hoogly тооріу"

“What was that?” the judge says, squint-
ing at me

Did you happen to see The Return of the
Wiffleheads? That picture 1 made about the
Alpha Centaurians who get marooned on
Nantucket?"

“Oh, Buddy,” Sasha whimpers, wobbling
in her Christian Lacroix slippers.

Opprobrious murmurs undulate
through the crowd.

1 only want to know one thing, Mr.
Burns,” the judge whispers venomously.
“Does it mean ves or no?

“Well, it can mean several things. Ра
don me,’ or ‘Sorry, or "Forget it. See, the
Alpha Centaurians are these feckless, inse-
cure little beings—hey, you must have seen
the picture. It is the second-leading
grosser of all time——"
iere is a small thud as Sasha's petite
body folds up on the flagstones like a pup-
pet with its strings сш

All of a sudden, people are noisily
swirling about. and nobody hears me say,
“They were harmless little beings. sent to
Earth to teach us good manners.

Vance Huddle, 6/5”, swaggers by to say,
"Son. for two goshdarn cents, Га squash
yer head like a mango."

Mort Klotz mutters, “You'll never work
in this town again

Chuck Brawn, Bunny Hassle
ly, a virtual wax museum of Hollywood's
Golden Years, file past me promising swift
and horrible retribution. Crucifixion is
suggested. It isan interesting idea, since in
her salad days, Sasha starred in half a
dozen major Bible epics and was present at
Calvary often enough (once with Chuck
Brawn) to qualify for honorary sainthood,
or at least a star on the Vatican sidewalk.

Finally, and mercifully soon, the Ital-
janate garden is empty except for Debbie
and me.

“Are we bad people?” Task her.

We're modern,” she says.

So was the princess in her day. The time
may come when somebody makes us ridic-
ulous."

‘We'll handle it,” Debbie says.

А servant comes out and informs us that
we will be arrested for trespassing if not
off the property in five minutes. He has a
Slavic accent and, with shaven head, the
look of a professional sadist. We fly away
into the citrus-scented night on winged
wheels, two feckless wanderers on a
trange planet, left behind by the mother

ship.
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162

V MEETS BERG sen ge 5

“You can feel it in your body.

Every nerve ending in

your skin is communicaling with the camera.”

it was about. And thats why 1 love doing
what I do, because I'm sort of on a mission
to tell our readers that their sexuality is a
wonderful thing to enjoy. And I'd like to
go beyond our readership. Im working on
my first novel, which has a sexual theme,
and on an idea for a TV show about wom-

donist?

PLAYGIRL: Yes. And I think that part of
also a major sensualist. If 1 could
have a massage every morning when |
woke up and every evening when I went lo
sleep, 1 would be a very happy person. And
it doesn't have to have anything to do with
sex. Many women want to be touched and
stroked and massaged and rubbed. Some
of the most sensitive parts of my body
are not in any of your standard егор:

puaycıkı: Nothing. I wait until I get home
to my boyfriend. Then I attack.

PLAYBOY: Tell us about the Playboy shoot.
What did you do beforehand to get your-
self psyched?

PLAYGIRL: I was staying at this wonderful
hotel in Los Angeles with a Jacuzzi on the

enous zon
PLAYBO 's an extremely sen:
of your body?

PLAVGIRL: The back of my neck. So, you see,
not all breasts and genitals.

PLAY! Do you ever get hot on the job?
PLAYGIRL: Sure; every now and then, a guy
sends in a picture, and TII go, "Oh, my
God! one second here!” And, yes, that
es me a little crazy But in terms of
twitching and squirming, I would say I get
turned on by the stories and the fantasies
the readers send in to us. Because words
create pictures in my head, and I find my-
self thin What a good idea.

ri Boy: Is it frustrating to get turned on
in the middle of the work
түсіні: Sure; it makes it a little hard to
concentrate.

rLAvbov: What do you do about it?

“This evenings program consists
Brahms, Mozart, Strauss and a rap piece commissioned
for this occasion.”

roof—heated, of course—and this beauti-
ful view of the city. So I went up there, got
into the Jacuzzi, got out my Walkman and
listened to Sade—new album, very ГА,
very sexy—and I let the water bubble up
around mc until I said, "I'm ready. | can do
anything now”

PLAYBOY: Once you were in front of the
camera, what was the sensation?

PLAYGIRL: You can feel it in your body, in
your mind, in the way that your clothes or
lingerie feel on you. You're ready and mov-
ing toward something. Fvery nerve Е
in your skin is communicating with the
camera

глүвоү: Did you fantasize about any
thing?

пуска I pictured men getting hard,
OK? It's the equivalent of Playgirls women
readers seeing our guys and getting wet;
the idea that just looking is enough to turn
you on. That's what I was trying to convey.
PLAYBOY: How do you deal with the hard-on
in your pictorials? What can you get away

with?
PLAYCIRL: OK. Here's the way it works: We
show men with partial erections but not
with full crections, simply because you
cross that so-called fine line between pho-
tography and pornography.

At one point, Playgirl was doing serious
hard-on shots, stuff that looked like this
[angles arm upward|—like a hawack. But a
lot of retailers got pissed off and closed
themselves off to us. They said, “We cant
filth.”

y rk around it?
тәусіні: We'll have the guy sitting down
or lying down. That way, he can have a
very lovely erection that, because of its po-
sition, won't be so obvious. I think it's un-
fortunate that we have these kinds of rules,
but it's necessary.

алхвоу: How do you think your readers
are going to react to your being in Playboy?
PLAYGIRL: I think they may be upset that
I've done something that most of them
won't have the opportui to do. I think
ay be jealous of me; they'll say, “My
nel was looking at pictures of you in
Playboy. How dare you?”

вълувоу: And that worries you.

PLAYGIRL: Yes. I have a tremendous sense of.
responsibility to them and 1 don't want
them to feel that I'm in competition with
them, because I'm not. Posing for Playboy
was a fantasy for me. And I want my read-
ers to know that I did it because it was a
thrill. And, yes, it's all right to do some-
thing just because

RAYNAL

& RELAX

PLAYBOY

164

OLYMPIC TRAINING TABLE

(continued from page 96)
Prazmark points out that TO.P funds go
10 the national Olympic committee:
the ро

not to

rnments. And the comp:
don't treat themselves as Ameri-
can corporations. They treat themselves as
global corporations."

Donn Osmon, marketing-and-public-al-
fairs VP. for ЗМ, which does 40 percent of
its business overseas, differs slightly with
Prazmark's observation. “Oh, we do see
ourselves as an American company" he
says. “That's why we're supporting the US.
Olympic Committee. But at the same time,
the people in our Canadian company see
themselves as Canadians supporting the
Canadian Olympic Committee.”

Although 3M does business in the
USS.R. and some of its products there are
branded with the Olympic logo, the com-
pany is not openly pursuing Soviet-team

sponsorship for marketing gains. But 3M
is promoting itself as a team sponsor in
Japan, where its Scotch brand tape has tak-
en over the number-one slot in video-cas-
sette sales, outselling TDK and Sony:

All of which points up another irony
While Americans infected with Olympic
fever tend to view the games as a US.vs.-
them confron n with the Russkies, in
the Olympic marketing arca, them's the
Japanese. Eight of the nine companies en-
tered in this years Olympic sweepstakes
are based in the US. and Japan. Given the
current world-trade situation, seems
ing that in this, the first Olympics of
global marketing, the anchor relay of the
race for market share is being run in South

Korea ready soliciting
entry fees for (don't say Dick
Gephardt didn't warn us), can Hyundai be

far behind?

“Г have to leave before midnight, but I have time for a quickie.”

GREAT DIVIDE

(continued from page 114)
“When | got back, I was scared and
grateful and ashamed that 1 had lived,
5 getting letters: So-and-so got
hit, so-and-so burned to death. I had been
given my life back; I felt tremendous en-
ergy. At the same time, I felt like shit
he summer of 68, I got a job di
C. EA. bus.
night, Um drivi

trees to see what's happening. Yo
the silhouettes of cops, cop cars and Ки
heard there was tear gas and cops beat
up kids. When I was in Viemam, we used
tear gas to flush people out of tunnels

“As we got closer, I pulled the brake and
said, ‘I'm sorry, we're not goin’ anywh
The passengers hollered, ‘Go on, go on" I
said, "No, no, no, по" I fully expected peo-
ple were gonna get killed

“I think the police riot the next
night. I came to a stop light at the south
end of the Loop. All four curbs were
bumper-to-bumper buses, which each held
maybe 60 guys. They were just filled with
cops and all the lights were off. АІГІ could
see was riot gear: helmets and billy clubs. 1
knew exactly what was gonna happen.
‘These guys were gonna do the same thing
1 had donc overseas. They were just goi
smash people. I turned my bus around;
the hell with it.”

rex winstur. He deals in futures. In fact,
he deals in just about anything: grains,
metals, livestock, bonds, bills, currencies, in
terest rates, “Anything you can buy, we can
trado.” His estimated net worth is more than
$400,000,000.

“I'm sure we're close 10 another change.
I don't know if it'll come next week or ten
years from now. Nothin’ is forever. You al-
ways have to stay flexible, so you can
change. That means education.
There's a business we should go into:
g people to be in the service busi-

and not be able to communicate. It
s important when you had a screw-
driver in your hand.
“Back in the

when you went in
1. "How old are you?
"You bet” ‘Boy
thats вон а guy you're married
Stabilizing force, right? Today. you dont
want the kid married. You э

to Chicago. Two, he's gotta go to 5
nights. He's gotta learn h, statistics;
he's gotta learn. Fed policy. When he goes
10 work at six and gets home after school at.
9 new wile gonna say to him?
vs very hard to make a profit in a free
market. Look at the airlines decontrolled.
With controls, you're simply smarter than
the controllers. Christ, if you can't. out-
smart one Іше Government staff, you

7
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to plan a furcfilled dream
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à
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A deluxe room for two for 3 days and 2 nights.
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Act before October 7, 1988
" Vacation anytime before June 30, 1990
PRIVILEGES AND PROVISIONS

1. Validseven days a week until June 30, 1990 except holidays and
major holiday weekends. Reservations can be made now or later,
but all reservations must be made at least 20 days before arrival.

2. Aresarvation fae of $198 per person (total $396) must be mailed
toguarantes your arrival. For your reservation fee vou will receive.
upon arrival, all of the benefits as described,

3. MONEY BACK GUARANTEE — We guarantee you reservations
N dates you chooseor your reservation fee will be refunded
in full
RESERVATIONS — No Thursday or Saturday arrivals. Не-
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prior ta planned check-in time or this offer and your reservation
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quately plan room and free gift availability, you must act before
October 7, 1988.

FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO ORDER BY PHONE

zs 1 800-684-6301

24 HOURS A DAY

| YE

Iwish to take advantage of your Las Vegas VIP Vacation/Gift
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| until June 30, 1990 to take my vacation, and that during my stay, 1 wil receive

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е benefits listed. Limit one gift per couple. (Please make check

payable to: Vegas World Vacation Club.)

VEGAS WORLD Hotel-Casino
Dept. VC, 2000 Las Vegas Blvd. South, Las Vegas, NV 89104

| Please read the “Privileges and Provisions" of your invitation thoroughly to make

the most of your vacation and lo know exactly what you're entitled to receive.
І

Charge my [visa []mesterCard []Discover [American Express
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make my reservation for the following arrival cate:

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| Cit will make my reservation at a later date.

| signature.

| OFFER EXPIRES OCTOBER 7, 1988 C7084 PB

PLAYBOY

166

shouldn't get to work in the morning.

If you're called a pirate, a robber baron, is
that an insult?

“I's a compliment. Absolutely 1 wish I
had their money Who developed Amer-
ica? The regulator? The President? Or was
it Andrew Mellon, John D. Rockefeller? I
mean, tell me what they did that was bad
Seriously what did they do that was bad?

poucas rota: He is that rarest of birds, a
defroched American Lutheran minister, only
the second in the church’ history. En route
from the Pittsburgh airport to the stecl-mill
town of Clairton, where he had his parish
and where he still lives, we pass other such
communities: Munhall; Duquesne; Home-
stead, of bloody labor history and lore; Mc-
Keesport; Hazelwood. It is impossible to
distinguish one from the other: the same rows
of smokeless chimneys, remainders of what
were once furiously engaged steel mills; the
same gray landscape, superimposed on the
obstinate green of the trees; the same silence.

“и began as an ordinary mill-town min-
istry. Our first call. In 778, the mills were
working pretty good. Our plan was to stay.
three years and head back to the Midwest.
Then prophetic things began to happen
[laughs]. The city of ton went
bankrupt. They had no money for police
or firemen or any other city workers. In
our research, we discovered that the chief
cause behind everything was a massive dis-
investment. The money was leaving thi:
valley at a fantastic rate, going overseas, to
the Third World and cheap labor.

“The number-one culprit is the Mellon
Bank. It runs Pittsburgh: every institution
from the churches to the schools to the var-
ious corporations across the board. АП

roads lead to the Mellon Bank.

“The church is real good about writing
up all kinds of statements on economic jus-
tice, wonderful words. We said we have to
go beyond that. So we devised a whole se-
of actions.

Ме put out a whole series of fliers. The
most famous dealt with the closing of Mes-
ta Machine Company. It makes the equip-
ment that goes into a steel mill. The bank
foreclosed on Mesta for $13,000,000. At
the same time, it was lending millions to
Sumitomo in Japan. It's a huge conglomer-
ate that makes the same product.

“The Mellon Bank holds a lot of pension
money for these men and is using their
money against ет. We had a pledge D day,
June 6, 1983. It was disinvestment day, and
we organized massive withdrawals,

“In October came the penny action, with
about 100 union workers. They went into
the bank with ten dollars each and said, ‘I
want ten dollars’ worth of penmies. I wan-
na count them, make sure they re here."

“The next time, our guys took out safe-
deposit boxes: "We want to do business with
you. The workers would then bring in
Írozen blocks of fish and deposit them in
their boxes. Before that, we'd had hours of
meetings with the executives of the Mellon
Bank. They just kept telling us how they
had this fiduciary responsibility to thei
stockholders. They were just bankers and
had no real power. Thats when we decided
10 take the fish d loaves, give them to
the Mellon Bank and see if they could feed
the multitudes."

THE REVEREND BILL HYBELS: Al 34, he is
senior pastor of the Willow Creek Community
Church. He also acted as chaplain of the

“Thal was great! Are you sure youre a Republican?”

Chicago Bears until 1988. Several of their
star players are among his parishioners.

Were in his expansive office suite on the
second floor. It's shortly after the early service,
attended by a full house, 4500. In about an
hour, the second service will gel under was.
Another full house is expected.

“We have a Yuppie crowd, upper-middle
We say, ‘Once a Yuppie has bought his sec-
ond BMW, then what?’ Theyr
old, they're investment bankers,

empty. They're saying, ‘I'm only 3

this all about? I don't need a third BMW:

s when they start lool
They come here and they perceive me
as their peer. They say, There's another
Yuppie. I don't have two BMWs, to be sure
[laughs]. They say, ‘Theres a guy who
could qualify, but he has some direction to
his life. I think I'll listen to him.’ They see
other people their own age singing songs
about direction. They see a creative drama
about it on stage. There's a band playing
that could play at any lounge anywhere.
They have to take this seriously.

here's never been an age
for the message ol hope in Christ and love
in God than right now. As for the danger
of war and the bomb, I am concerned as a
n of the planet. Have I lost one wink's
sleep over it? No. / have peace, in spite of
the fact that the world may not have peace.
I would love to see it.”

MARK BECKER: He is 17, a senior at a pri-
vate school in New York. He is captain and
cleanup hitter uf the schools baseball team; he
heads the hockey (ват "АУ really rough, 1
love it"—and the math team, as well.

“1 run a mutual fund for the students in
the school. My father runs his own Wall
Street firm, and I guess thats where I
learned. He's an arbitrager; it's the hottest
thing on Wall Street these days. Those are
the guys who are getting caught for insider

ading. Im sure my dad's not one of ет.
When I was a freshman, this fund was
started. We formed a business club; we
were gonna invest in the stock market, put
our money together. 115 called BIC, Busi-
ness Investment Club. I was made chair-
man when I was 14. We have 135 investor:
We make a lot of money. We started with
$1600 and we now have $8000.

“A lot of our fathers are in the market
But everything we do is strictly our deci-
sion. We don't ask them for advice
ad the paper every day. The sports
nd the busines thats it
[laughs]. I look at the funny page, too. 1
read a litle column about companies,
les about what's hap-
ig. You can't just read about it and buy
it. I get the Standard & Poor's sheet. |
know what to look for a little bit. That's
why I'm goin to business school, ‘cause l'm
still only a high school kid.

“I watch the news on ТУ but the only
show I really watch is Dallas, every Friday.
It fascinates me, ‘cause I li
He does everything he wants. Ilove

citi

Зь.

МАХ =
GROW ANY PLANT WITH STATE OF THE ART HORTICULTURAL TECHNOLOGY

Hello, my name Is Jeffery DeMarco, president and founder of Pyraponic Industries. My master"
thesis concerned the cannabinold profile of marijuana. The knowledge gained through this research
and experimentation can now be applied to the growing of any herbaceous plant from mint and basi
to roses and tobacco.

In pursuit of this master'a thesis, ! first had to generate the world's most extensive, nonacademic |
library on the subject. Second, | assembled the most extensive, scientific bibliography ever created.
Then, | went Into the laboratory at a mejor university while under federel license, and designed the
most sophisticated laboratory grade growing chamber in the world called the PHOTOTRON and the
methodology “Growing Plants Pyraponimetrically <

The Phototron Is not presented to the public as a plate of paraphernalia intended for the unlawful
production of marijuana. The system was designed to grow any plant. The private cultivation of mari-
juana has been illegal under numerous state and federal laws since 1936. Marijuana can only be grown
legally with a federal license. | worked under such license at the
time I was engaged In my research. Pyraponic Industries Will never
knowingly sell products to anyone expressing the intent to produce
illicit substances.

If you were to research indoor plant growing techniques, as | did,
a similarity soon becomes apparent. Every system before the
Phototron has attempted to duplicate a tropical climate, such 85
Hawali's, in a confined area. | suggest that when you fi
the re-creation of Hawail, you can do no better then Hawail's results.

In fact you will grow the plant six (6) to nine (8) months with an
average six (6) inch internodel length, (the distance between fruiting
sites). That will produce a fruiting ratio at the tops of the plant equal
to only ten percent (10%). Ninety percer (9096) of the plant material

unusable and the plants are killed off after harvest іп prepara-
tion for planting the next crop.

Number one, the only thing | am waiting nine (9) months for is
в baby. Number two, І don't want a tree growing in my home.
Number three, 1 em not going to pay the electric bill to artificially
reproduce the sun. Thet is why | made my system so revolutionary.
The Phototron measures only 36 inches tall by 18 inches wide. Its
potantial is decaptivaly masked by the simplicity of functional
design and compact size.

On average, the Phototron draws only $4.00 per month in elec-
tricity. | guarantee you will grow six (6) plants, three (3) feet tall
In forty-five (46) days, while maintaining а one (1) inch internodal
length. | guarantee that in your Phototron each of your six plants
will produce over one thousand (1000) fruiting sites from top fo bot-
tom. Mine is the only system in the world which will allow you to
reflower and refruit the same plants every forty-five (45) days. You
will remove from the system everyday. Beginning on DAY 20 after
seed germination an average of six (6) to elght (8) ounces of plant
material, such as tobacco can be harvested every forty-five days.

Please, do not allow the technical sounding nature of the
Phototron scare you away. | personally service back and guarantee
each unit sold. The instructions ere clear and simple; the system
comes to you complete. All you must do is select your seeds, plug
in the system and water it routinely. Then, if you have any ques-
tions, you may call me directly. Ask your question. Get your answer.

You can not fall with my Phototron. 1 do not allow any of my
Phototrons to fall below showcase. | personally have guaranteed
every Phototron ever sold and Î have never hed one returned, ever,
and I'm not starting now.

Call me at 1-312-544-BUDS. If you do no! learn more about plant
production than you have ever learned before, 1 will pay you for the
call. Can you afford not to call? Jeffery Julian DeMarco

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PLAYBOY

he kicks butts. I lil
"That's why I play hockey: I'm very physical.
I'm known as an intimidator.”

SUGAR RAUTBORD: She is a member of
Chicagos young social set. It is difficult to
point lo any one magazine or tabloid where
her face and story have not appeared.

Her horizons have extended to Washing-
ton, where she tossed a dinner for President
and Mrs. Reagan.

“L think of myself as an upper-class
working girl. The handle ıhe press
given me is “socialite.” A socialite i
world is a well-dressed fund
cialite women meet socialite men and mate
and breed socialite children so that we can
fund small opera companies and ballet
troupes, because there is no Government
i of course.
Washington was for
Jt wasnt for
the Contras, though Em sure that would be
fun. I did n an awful lot of Contras, all
sorts of interesting people.

had a brieling at the White House
given by a very interesting gentleman, a
Marine lieutenant. colonel named Oliver
North. And then I had another briefing
with a vei sting gentleman named

to do it in sports.

Robert Ме

there was a
knock on the door and it was a gentleman
by the name of Adolfo Calero, who had
come to see me. Patrick Buchanan was an-
other one | spoke to. | learned a lot about
political science, just by osmosi
“In the political world, people are out

ing to make a difference. Adolfo

Then

He was charming. So
many of those from the Somoza regime
are so Americanized,
sod knows where the funds for the
dinner went. 1 asked for some accounting
figures.
“L hope the Pr.
¡ber me. I"

ident and Mrs. Reagan
been to dinner once

Blair House restoration
thought was nice.

“You must remember that fund
is my work. Sometimes you һа)
Че dra you're trying to solicit. 115
hard to separate people from their money.
As I was riding around New York in a
limousine during a hotel strike and th
was no place to go, I said, "Now I know
what it feels like to be a bag lady

"You can't pick up every homeless per-
son and bring them home. But if you can

SAA

n to laugh at the same comedy, to cr
the same tragedy, to be moved by the sa
arts, we've moved closer to an understand-
ing. If you don't understand people, then
ou bring out the bullets.

art отейти
times the Govern
it is left to us ladies running around with
our Tiffany cups out.”

Tiffany what?

Cups out. Panhandling, you know."
JEANGUMR: A grandmother and а mother of
ranging in age from 22 to 35. She and
her family have lived in a middle-class west-
ern suburb of Chicago for 32 years.

For something she did on Good Friday,
1986, she was arrested. Along with her, four
other Catholics, young enough to be her chil-
dren, have been sentenced to terms in prison.
Their group is called Silo Plowshare:

“We commemorated the Crucif

ад.

"We've got lo make certain our report gels across Ihe

full severity of an increasing hole in Ihe ozone laye
like your hamburger cooked, profe

. . . How do you

e of the chain link fence that read,
SWORDS INTO PLOWSILARES, AN ACT OF HEALING.
Isaiah 2, from Scriptures: We will pound
our swords into plowshares and we will
study war no morc.

“Its a Minuteman II silo, a firststrike
weapon. There are 150 of these missiles. If
one of them were to leave the ground, it
would decimate an area of 72 miles. We
anted to make this weapon inoperable.
We succeeded.

“We carried three hammers, a vire clip-
per, three baby bottles with our blood, pa-
pers with an indictment against the United
States and against the Christian church for
its complicity, ‘To get through the fence, we
used the wire clipper. We had practiced in
the park the day before. Once we were in, I
proceeded to use the blood, and 1 made a
cross on top of the silo. Underneath, 1
wrote the words DISARM AND Live in black
spray paint.

"About 40 minutes later, the soldiers a
rived in an armored vehicle. There was a
machine-gun turret at the top. The com-
mander used a megaphone and said, Will
all the personnel on top of the silo please
leave the premises with your hands
raised? So all of us personnel [laughs] left
the silo.

“The area filled with about eight auto-
mobil FBI, local sheriffs, and so on.
They took us into this armored vehide. On
its right-hand side was a big sign: PEACE
KEEPER

“L said, ‘Young man, have you had
opportunity to read Orwell's 79847

“He said, ‘I'm not allowed to talk to you."

“I said, TI talk to you, then.”

“He said, I I had my uniform off, we
could talk.”

“1 said, Maybe we'll meet and have cof-
fee someday’

“My children knew nothing about this
"Mother's doing her thing’ is what they al-
ways say. As I leave the house, they often
Don't get arrested, Ма” I've been ar-
rested five other times for civil disobedi-
ence

“When the kids were little, I always sa
‘Don't ever look to the next guy to
change. Do it yourself”

There's a ripple effect from what we're
doing. Thats exciting. You never know
where it's going to hit. You just know you
must do what you must do and let the chips
fall where they m

“You know, I have never been so hope-
ШІЛІГІ can change my way of thinking,
anybody can. 1 don't want to be singled out
s anybody special, because 1 am not. We
have got to have a future for our children
and we've got to make some sacrifices for
it, OK? Call it a legacy if you want to. What
else is there

Postscript: Jean Gump was sentenced lo
eight years at a Federal penitentiary on the
charges of canspiracy and destroying public
property. For the past 11 months, she has been
number 03789-045 at the Correctional Insti-
tution for Women, Alderson, West Virginia.

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169

PLAYBOY

PIGSKIN PREVIEW (continued from page 118)

“One of the gi

reat traditions was resurrected last year.

Notre Dame re-emerged as a national power”

5. NEBRASKA

You have to go all the way back 10 1961 to
find the last time Nebraska had a losing
season (3-6-1). The arrival of coach Bob
Devaney started the Huskers on a winning
tradition that Tom Osborne has done noth-
ing but enhance. Nine wins this year would
make 20 consecutive seasons with at least
nine victories for Nebraska. With quarter-
back Steve Taylor and Playboy All-America
Broderick Thomas returning, the Husker
string will likely go unbroken.

Thomas has been switched to outside
linebacker, giving Nebraska perhaps the
strongest linebacking crew in the nation.
The defensive secondary, led by Mark
Blazek, is also excellent. The offensive
line may be a little thinner than in recent
years. However, there is an abundance
of running backs, including Terry Rodg-
ers, son of Nebraska's legendary Johnny
Rodgers. 9-2

5 IOMA

Тока will be awesome іп 1988, Quarter-
back Chuck Hartlieb, who led the Big Теп
ın passing ешаепсу and was the first
Hawkeye to throw for more than 300 yards
five times in one year, returns for his final

season. He has an excellent target to throw
to in tight end Marv Cook. Dave Haight,
the Big Ten Defensive Lineman of the Year
last scason, is also back. Coach Hayden Fry
is concerned about depth at runt
and the lack of a proven kicke
schedule, sofier than its rivals’ for the con-
ference crown, gives the Hawkeyes a slight
advantage. 9-2

7 NOTRE DAME

One of the great traditions of college
football was resurrected last year. Notre
Dame re-emerged as a national power,
ht of its first nine games and
to the final top-20 rankings for
the first time in seven years. The Irish owe
their success not to luck but to their cocky
and clever little coach, Lou Holtz. And
Holtz isn't satisfied yet. "Our objective in
1988 is perfection. Anything short of that
is unsatisfactory,

Notre Dame returns ten starters from
last season. Mark Green, last year's leading
rusher, returns at tailback, while Ricky
Watters will fill Tim Browns spot at
flanker. Junior Tony Rice has a slight
edge at the starting-quarterback spot over
Kent Graham. The schedule is tough,
as always, but the Irish do play seven
home games this year. 8-3

“This may sound heartless, but if you learn
to program the VCR, Гт оша here!”

8. WEST VIRGI

Last year, Syracuse put an end run on
the other Big East Independent competi-
tors. This ycar, it may be the Mountaineers

Pittsburgh and Boston College in the na-
tional rankings. Coach Don Nehlen has 17

starters back from last year's 6-6 team,
cluding Major Harris, one of the nationis
best freshman quarterbacks. 83

8. MICHIGAN STATE

Michigan State had a storybook season
last year. A 9-2-1 record, wins over Mithi-
gan and Ohio State, a trip to the Rose
Bowl, where, lo and behold, the team actu-
ally beat Southern Cal 20-17. Coach
George Perles gets the credit. He calls the
MSU job “the finest coaching job in Ameri-
ca” and backed that statement up when he
turned down a $2,250,000 five-year offer
to coach the Green Bay Packers.

Running back Lorenzo White is gone,
but 15 other starters are back. The most
imposing offensive lineman in the country
6'6", 315-pound Playboy All-America
Tony Mandarich. Quarterback Bobby
McAllister will throw to outstanding wide
receiver Andre Rison, The Spartan de-
fense, best in the Big Ten last vear, returns
stalwarts Percy Snow at linebacker and
strong safety John Miller, 8-3

10. TENNESSEE

Tennessee's season will be decided be-
fore September is over. Three of its first
four opponents are Georgia, Louisiana
State and Auburn, tough conference rivals.

Coach Johnny Majors’ biggest assets are
quarterback Jeff Francis, who needs only
194 yards to surpass Tennessee's all-time
career passing mark of 3823 yards, and
Reggie Cobb, who ran for 1197 yards and
scored 20 touchdow: n his freshman sea-
son last year.
backer Keith De
leader

Most college football coaches would be
pleased with an 8-4 rec
trip to a bowl game. For М
Schembechler, whose Wolverine
have been ranked in the top 20 for 16 of
his 19 seasons, last year was a disappoint-
ment Partof the problem was the slow and
inconsistent progress of quarterback De-
metrius Brown, who should be better this
year. Brown has two excellent receivers to
throw to in Greg McMurtry and John
Kolesar. Playboy All-America defensive
lineman Mark Messner is the best of the
tough Michigan defense. 83

teams

12. AUBURN

Nothing much has changed at Auburn.
Sure, quarterback Jeff Burger is gone, but
Reggie Slack is ready to replace him. Aun-
dray Bruce went as the number-one pick in
the. N.EL. draft, but ig Ogletree, a
ferocious tackler, will fill his spot. Playboy
All-America Tracy Rocker will again

anchor the defensive line. And another
Playboy All-Ame wide receiver Law-
yer Tillman, will be back for another year.
Missing, however, are Bo Jackson and
Brent Fullwood to run the ball. Coach Pat
Dye may have to rely on passing and de-
fense if Auburn is to repeat as Southeast-
ern Conference champion. 8-3

13. TEXAS A&M

Texas A&M, winner of the Southwest
Conference championship for the past
three years, is the favorite to repeat once
aga Playboy Coach of the Year Jackie
Sherrill, one of the top recruiting coaches
in the country, has assembled a team that is
talented and deep on both sides of the line.

Quarterback Bucky Richardson, the of-
fensive M.VP. from
last years Cotton
Bowl win over Notre.
Dame (35-10), has a
slight edge over
Chris Osgood and
Lance Pavlas. The
Aggie backfield, fea-
turing Matt Gurley,
freshman Randy
Simmons and 1987
S.W.C, Newcomer of
Ше Year Darren
Lewis, is, according
to Sherrill, one of
the best in the
nation.

The strong point
of the defense is the
linebacking, led by
Playboy All-Ameri-
ca John Roper. The
Aggies, probably a
better team than
last year's, will have
a difficult time
matching last sea-
sons 10-2 record
because of a tough
nonconference
schedule that in-
cludes LSU, Nebras-
ka, Oklahoma State
and Alabama. 8-3

14. GEORGIA

This season will
be Vince Dooleys 25th at Georgia, the
longest tenure of any active college football
coach. In that time, he has coached the
Bulldogs to 192 wins. Obviously, Dooley
knows how to recruit football talent. He al-
so knows how to get the maximum results
out of his Georgia players.

Dooley's best players are tight end Troy
Sadowski and nose guard Bill Goldberg.
Senior Wayne Johnson appears to have the
inside track on the quarterback job, while
Rodney Hampton will take over the ta

back position vacated by Lars Tatc. 8-3
15. ALABAMA
Expectations are running high in

‘Tuscaloosa that Alabama will improve on

last season's 7-5 record, battle for the
Southeastern Conference title and win the
Sugar Bowl. Anything less will be a disap-
pointment.

‘Two-time Playboy All-America running
back Bobby Humphrey is the early favorite
to win the Heisman Trophy The Crimson
Tide has unusual depth at quarterback,
with David Smith, Jeff Dunn and Vince
Sutton. On defense, Playboy All-America
linebacker Derrick Thomas, nose guard
Willie Wyatt and safety Kermit Kendrick
are the outstanding players. 8-8

16. SOUTH CAROLINA

South Carolina, which posted an 8-4
record last season, has one of the hottest

young quarterbacks in the nation in Todd
Ellis. Only a junior, Ellis is already the
Gamecocks career passing leader, with
6226 yards. Coach Joe Morrison, who lost
12 starters from last year, has installed a
new oflensive scheme that should further
improve Ellis’ production. The Gamecocks
also have Playboy All-America Collin
Mackie, the IN.C.A.A.s leading place ki
er last year. 8-3

17. WASHINGTON

Don James has compiled some impres-
sive numbers in his 13 years as coach of the
Washington Huskies: 108 victories (just
three more will make him the winningest
coach in Pac 10 history), his past nine

8years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky

teams have made bowl appearances and
none of his teams has ever finished out of
the upper division in the conference stand-
ings. This year, James and the Huskies will
be trying to improve last seasons 7-4
record. Tailback Vince Weathersby, UW's
leading rusher for the past two years, is
back, as is Playboy All-America offensive
lineman Mike Zandofsky: 74

18. UCLA,

N.EL. scouts drool when they talk about
UCLA quarterback Troy Aikman. The
Playboy All-America has plenty of Q.B.
savvy and a passing arm already being
compared to John Elway’s. While the Bru-
ins have Aikman for one more season,
some other important ingredients from
last year's 10-2 team
are gone. Running
backs Gaston Green
and Mel Farr and
linebacker Ken Nor-
ton are a tough
act to follow The
key to this years
success will hinge on
the performance of
the Bruins’ young
offensive line. 7-4

1% PENN STATE.

If anyone other
than Joe Paterno
coached Penn State,
the Nittany Lions
might be in for a
long season. The
team is very young,
having losı 13
starters from last
year, including
quarterback Matı
Knizner and wide
receiver Ray Round-
tree, who lost an ap-
peal to the N.C.A.A.
for another year of
eligibility The big-
gest question for
Paterno is the health
of Blair Thomas,
whose 144 yards
last season was the
third-best rushing
total in Penn State history. Thomas has
made progress after knee surgery, but it is
unclear when he'll be 100 percent. Paterno,
who always says that his team will have to
struggle, should help the Nittany Lions
find the needed intensity by seasons
end. 7-4

эб. PITTSBURGH,

Pittsburgh coach ke Gottfried has
landed one of the nation’s top-ten groups
of football prospects each of the past two
years. Unfortunately, he didn't recruit
heavily enough at the quarterback posi-
tion, especially now that Darnell Dicker-
son, his number-one Q.B. choice, is
questionable because of a knee injury. But

171

172

REST OF THE BEST

(These players hove a chance to make someone's end-af-the-season All-America team)

QUARTERBACKS: Rodney Peete (Southern Cal), Tom Hodson (Louisiana State), Todd Ellis (South
Carolina), Chuck Hartlieb (Iowa), Steve Taylor (Nebraska), Bill Musgrove (Oregon), Jeff Francis
(Tennessee), Jamelle Holieway (Oklahoma), Terrence Jones (Tulane). Erik Wilhelm (Oregon State)
RUNNING BACKS: Emmitt Smith (Florida), Darrell Thompson (Minnesota), Blair Thomas (Penn
State), Reggie Cobb (Tennessee), Eddie Johnson (Utah), John Harvey (Texos—El Paso), James
Rouse (Arkansas), Todd McNair (Temple), Joe Henderson (Iowa State)

RECEIVERS: John Ford (Virginia), Andre Rison (Michigan State), Clarkston Hines (Duke), Joson
Phillips (Houston), Nasrallah Worthen (North Carolina State), Calvin Williams (Purdue), Dennis
Ross (lowo State), John Kolesar (Michigan), Derek Hill (Arizona), Jamie Hence (Western Michi-
gon), Robb Thomas (Oregon State). Kendal Smith (Utah State), Wayne Walker (Texas Tech), Tom
Waddle (Boston College), Магу Cook (Iowa). Paul Green (Southern Cal), Tray Sadowski (Georgia)
OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Andy Sinclair (Stanford), Jake Young (Nebraska), Kevin Wells (San Diego
State), Chuck Massaro (North Carolina State), John Vitale (Michigan), David Williams (Florida),
Mike Utley (Washington State), Craig Stoeppel (Syracuse), Steve Wisniewski (Penn State), Mark
Stepnoski (Pittsburgh), David Hlatky (Air Force), Jerry Fontenot (Texas A&M), Freddie Childress
(Arkansas), Jae Staysnick (Ohio State), Pot Crowley (North Carolina), Larry Rose (Alabama),
Mike Pfeifer (Kentucky), Ken Moyer (Toledo), Art Kalman (ele), Joe Wolf (Boston College), Bobby
Sign (Baylor)

DEFENSIVE LINEMEN: Dove Haigh! (lowa), Milchell Benson, госу Simien (Texas Christian), Dana
Wells (Arizona), Bill Goldberg (Georgia), Jeff Roth (Florida), Steve Vandegrift (Missouri), Marc
Spindler (Pittsburgh), Моје Whiteside (Colifornia). Dennis Brown (Washington), Marlon Brown
(Memphis State). Odell Haggins (Florida State). Morris Gardner (Illinois). Travis Davis (Michigan
State), Matt Brock (Oregon)

LINEBACKERS: Britt Hager (Texas), Percy Snow (Michigan State), Ned Bolcor (Notre Dame), Jerrol
Williams (Purdue), LeRoy Etienne (Nebraska), Rod Carter (Miami), Keith Karpinski (Penn State),
Cornell Lake (UCLA), Terry Wooden (Syracuse), Jon Leverenz (Minnesota), Tracy Rogers (Fresno
State), Dovid Wings (Wisconsin), Mike McCray (Ohio State), Jerry Olsavsky (Pittsburgh)
DEFENSIVE BACKS: Marc Foster (Purdue), Johnny Jackson (Houston), Mario Mitchell (San Diego
State), John Miller (Michigan State), Mark Blazek (Nebraska), Stevon Moore (Mississippi), Ben
Smith (Georgia), Robert Robinson (South Carolina), Adrian Jones (Missouri), Robert Blackmon,
Mike Welch (Baylor), Falanda Newton (Texas Christian), Ron Cortell (Colorede State), Mark Carri-
er. Cleveland Colter (Southern Cal), Alan Grant (Stanford), Glenn Cobb (Illinois), Eddie Johnson
(Penn State). А 1 Greene (Wake Forect). Toy Long (Rrigham Young)

PLACE KICKERS: Jeff Shudak (lowa State), Chris Kinzer (Virginio Tech), Alan Zendejas (Arizona
State), Scott Slater (Texas A&M), Mark Gran (University of the Pacific), Bill Wright (Temple)
PUNTERS: Mike Schuh (Arizona State), Keith English (Colorado), Brian Jones (University of the
Pacific), Shawn McCarthy (Purdue)

ANSON MOUNT
SCHOLAR/ATHLETE

The Anson.Mount Scholar/Athlete Award recognizes achievement both in the classroom
‘ond on the football field. Nominated by their universities, the candidates ore judged by the
editors of Playboy on their collegiote scholastic and othletic accomplishments. The aword
winner attends Playboy’ pre-season All-America Weekend—this year held at the Sheraton
Bal Harbour Hotel іп Bal Horbour, Florido—receives a bronzed commemorative medollion
опа is included in the team photograph published in the magazine. In oddition, Playboy
words $5000 to the generol scholorship fund of the winners university.

This year’s Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award in football goes to Paul Sorensen of Dart-
mouth College. Sorensen is o linebacker on the Dartmouth tecm ond was its leading tackler
lost yeor. Paul, o senior, is o computer-science mojor and carries a 4.0 grade-point average
оп o 40 scale. He was o Rufus Choote Scholor, Dartmouth’ top honor, in 1986 ond 1987
and hos received citotions for academic excellence in mothematics, economics, computer
science ond geogrophy. He is the recipient of the Phi Beta Kappa prize as the member of his
loss with the highest ocodemic rank.

Honoroble mention: Dovid Hlotky (Air Force), Ted Ashburn (Ball State), Kyle Kramer
(Bowling Greer), Doryl Huber (Cincinnoti), Mike Diminick (Duke), David Roberts (Florido
State), Dono Directo (Hawaii), Chuck Hortlieb (lowo), Robert Newson (Kansas), Michael
Paschall (Kent State), Bo Russell (Mississippi Stote), Kevin Voss (Navy), Mark Blazek (Ne-
brosko), Michoel Baum (Northwestern), Tom Gorman (Notre Dome), Mark Stepnoski
burgh), Steve Tordy (Rutgers), Mork Fryer (South Carolina), David Roscoe (Texas Christion),
Ken Moyer (Toledo), Brendan McCrocken (UCLA), Jeff Hunscker (Utch Stote), Don Dovey
(Wisconsin), Randy Welniok (Wyoming), Jeff Rudolph (Yale).

the Panthers have some great linemen,
particularly Mark Stepnoski on offense
and Mare Spindler on defense. The Pitt
program suffered a blow when running
back Craig Heyward lefi a year early for
the N.EL. 7-4
.

Here are some other teams that have a

chance to break into the top 20:

TEXAS-EL PASO

Coach Bob Stull and the Texas—El Paso
football program ought to give hope to
all the Northwesterns, Columbias and
Kansases of the world. They've shown that
it is possible to quickly turn around а
floundering program. Prior to Stull's ar-
rival two years ago, UTEP had won one
game the previous season and a total of
only nine since 1980. Stull's hrst team went
4-8. His second-year squad was 7-2 enter-
ing the tenth game of last season against
Brigham Young. Miner quarterback Pat
Hegarty broke his jaw and UTEP lost the
game, finishing the year at 7-4. With
Hegarty mended and running back John
Harvey returning, the Miners should con-
tinue to improve. 9-3

AIR FORCE

Its justa touch ironic that the Air Force
Falcons had the second-best rushing of-
fense (386 yards per game) last season.
Dee Dowis, who set the N.C.A.A. single-
season rushing record for a quarterback
(1315 yards), is back, as is offensive guard
David Hlatky, an outstanding run blocker.
Coach Fisher DeBerry is looking for a
stronger passing attack out of Air Force's
wishbone offense. 8-4

WYOMING

In 1986, Paul Roach was running Wyo-
mings Cowboy Joe booster club. When
coach Dennis Erickson resigned, Roach,
who had plenty of experience from his
N.EL. days, took the job. Ten 8 and
a Western Athletic Conference champi-
onship later, he is just trying to find a start-
ing quarterback. Wyoming lost some key
players trom last year, but Roach is obvi-
ously not intimidated by a challenge. 8-4

OKLAHOMA STATE

Oklahoma State, which won ten games
last season for only the second time in its
history returns a solid nucleus of 50 letter-
men, including 12 starters. Junior quarter-
back Mike Gundy who set Big Eight
freshman and sophomore passing records
in the past two years, will direct a wide-
open offense that includes two Playboy All-
Americas: wide receiver Hart Lee Dykes
and running back Barry Sanders. 7—4

COLORADO

Snubbed by the bowl committees alter
posting a 7-4 record, Colorado is hoping
the experience and beef picked up by the
offense will allow the Buffaloes to improve
on their number-four-in-the-nation rush-
ing offense. Big Eight newcomer Sal

Aunese will be the starting quarterback,
since Marc Walters, out last season with a

knee injury is still questionable. Defensive-
1у, Colorado will have to hope that a strong
front line and linebacking group can keep
the pressure off a weak secondary 7-4

FLORIDA

Florida took a lot of lumps last year be-
cause of a difficult schedule. This year's
Gator team is not quite as good as that
1987 group but will probably vind up with
a better record. Coach Galen Hall's num-
ber-one priority will be finding a quarter-
back to replace the departed Kerwin Bell.
“The Gators are extremely strong and deep
at running back. Emmit Smith returns aft-
er setting Florida's single-season rushing
mark (1341 yards) as a freshman. On de-
fense, the Gators have Playboy All-Ameri-
ca free safety Louis Oliver. 7-4

SYRACUSE.

For the Syracuse Orangemen, 1987 was
a dream year. Their 11-0 regular-season
mark was their first unbeaten season since
their 1959 national championship. Even
the 16-16 kiss-yoursister tie against
Auburn in the Sugar Bowl couldn't di-
minish the accomplishments of MacPher-
son-McPherson: Dick, the coach who
engineered the turnaround in Syracuse
football fortunes, and Don, the now-de-
parted star quarterback, Syracuse returns
15 starters from last year’s team, including
Playboy All-America Markus Paul, but last
year's magic will be hard to re-create. 7-4

LOUISIANA STATE

Coach Mike Archer would like to talk
with the guy who arranged the LSU sched-
ule for this season. The Tigers could well
end the season at 6-5, a record that could
make them the best 6-5 college football
team of all time. Their season opens with
five terrifying opponents: Texas A&M,
‘Tennessee, Ohio State, Florida and Au-
burn. Throw in Alabama and Miami later
in the season and you can sympathize
Archer's plight.

ARIZONA

Arizona had what might be described as
an indecisive record last season: four wins,
four losses, three ties. With a lot of offen-
sive firepower returning, the scale should
tip toward the victory column for the
Wildcats this season. The offensive line,
led by Playboy All-America center Joe
"Toffiemire, is potentially Arizona's best
in a decade. There are good running
backs, though the best is probably Alonzo
Washington. While the defensive line is
solid, the linebacking corps and secondary

will be vulnerable. 7-4
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
When coach Larry Smith went to South-

ern California last year, he set some high
standards: “Be a class team with unity,
Earn a USC degree. Beat UCLA and Notre
Dame. Win the Pac 10 championship and

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PLAYBOY

174

Bowl. Become the national ch:
it's penchant for goal setting
has already paid off. The Trojans beat
UCLA last year 10 win the Pac 10 and a
berth in the Rose Bowl,

The Trojans' biggest asset is charismatic
quarterback Rodney Peete. He can drop
back and pass, roll out and pass or run the
option. Peete will have some familiar
faces in the backfield, as USC's top five
last season all return. South-
st problem is a schedule
that features Boston College, Oklahoma
and Notre Dame as nonconference oppo-
nents. 74

TEXAS

It took only one season for coach David
MeWilliams to put Texas football back on
track. The Longhorns, who had foun-
dered in recent years, wound up last sea-
son with a 7-5 record, induding a win
over Pittsburgh in the Bluebonnet Bowl.
Texas' best player is Playboy All-America
ailback Eric Metcalf, one of eight offensive
players returning from last season.
Linebacker Britt Hager is a standout оп
defense. The Texas secondary, however, is
young and inexperienced. TA

BOSTON COLLEGE

Coach Jack Bicknell obviously believes
in the axiom “If you want to be the best,
you have to beat the best.” BC again has
one of the toughest schedules in the na-
tion, seven of ils opponents having made
bowl appearances last season. Standout

players are guard Joe Wolf, returning
from an jury, tailback Jim Bell and
wide receiver Tom Waddle. In the first Di-
vision I college football game ever played
in Europe, Boston College will take on
Army in Dublin on November 19. 7-4

BRIGHAM YOUNG

Perennial Western Athletic Conference
power Brigham Young has suffered a taste
of reality since beating Michigan in 1984
for the national championship. Not that it
hasn't done well since, but consecutive bowl
losses to Ohio State (Florida Citrus Bowl in
1985), UCLA (Freedom Bowl in 1986) and
Virginia (All-American Bowl last ycar)
have left a bitter с. This years BYU
team is good, but the conference com-
petition is getting better, and there are
some tough out-of-conference opponents
(Miami and Texas) on the schedule. Quar-
terback Sean Covey and safety Troy Long
are the Cougars best players. 7-5

OHIO STATE

If you dont win as a coach in major
college football, you get fired. Unless
youre Earl Bruce. He compiled a record of
BL at Ohio State and still got fired.
Maybe the Ohio State brass didn’t li
those new suits Earl introduced into his
side-line wardrobe or his porkpie hats or
the fact that he was too short to see over
the Buckeve marching band. Whatever the
reason, he is gone. If the OSU gurus
showed questionable judgment in letting
him go, they showed remarkably good

"Before we were married, you never said you
were against oral sex."

sense when they replaced him with John
Cooper, former coach at Arizona State.
Cooper inherits a team that lost H start
from last year. Sophomore Greg
claim the quarterback spot, whil с
Workman and los Snow will split the
tailback duties. 6-5

INDIANA

Indiana, a Big Ten door mat only four
years ago (0-11 in 1984), is typical of the
new parity in the conference. Coach Bill
Mallory, who deserves all the coad
dos being thrown his way still
starters from last years squad. Unfortu-
nately, wide receiver Ernie Jones and
linebacker Van Waiters are two of the de-
parted and will be missed. Quarterback
Dave Schnell (1707 yards passing and 13
s) and tailback Anthony Thompson
try to take up the slack. 6-5

MEMPHIS STATE

Coach Charlie Bailey did an admirable
job with Memphis State last ycar, taking a
team that was 1-10 in 1986 to 5-5-1. With
18 starters back from last season, the
Tigers will continue to improve, Bailey's
best player is Marlon Brown, a 6'4", 228-
pound linebacker who went to Memphis
State after serving four years in the U.S.
Army 6-5

EAST INDEPENDENTS:

West Virginia 8-3 Rutgers
7-4 Temple
Army

Е 74
Boston College 7-1 Nav

Syracuse 74

ALL-EAST INDEPENDENT: Harris, Brown, War-
ren, Orlando. Haering (West Virginia): Step-
noski, Spindler, Olsavsky, Osboin, Caliguire,
Grossman (Pittsburgh); Thomas, Wisniewski,
Karpinski, Johnson (Penn State); Wolf, Bell,
Waddle, Lowe, S. Williams (Boston College);
Paul, Wooden, Stoeppel, Johnston, Burnett
(Syracuse); Emey, Young, Henderson, Tardy,
Beker (Rutgers), McNair, Wright, Pappalardo,
Drayton, Johnson (Temple), Rambusch (Army);
Halland, Pimpo, Fundoukos (Navy),

In addition to the five Big East powers—
West Virginia, Pittsburgh, Penn State, Boston
College and Syracuse, there are three other
teams that appear to have an outside
chance at winning seasons. Rutgers has
some good talent but a murderous sched-
ule that includes the top five East Inde-
pendents and Michigan State thrown in
for good measure. Temple returns running
back Todd McNair. Success for the Owls,
however, hinges on the recovery from in-
juries of several key players. Army coach
Jim Young thought he had a replacement
for departed quarterback Tory Crawford
in Mark Mooney, but Mooney is out with a
separated shoulder. Army will continue its
run-run pattern of recent years. Navy lists
only six seniors as probable starters. After
a 2-9 season last year, the Midshipmen will
try to make it on esprit de corps.

Harvard coach Joe Restic will get his

100th win this year (he's currently 95-60-5).

His Crimson squad is also likely to capture
its second straight Ivy League title. Tom
Yohe, who holds Harvard career records
for passing yards (2703) and completions
(203), is back, as is last season's leading

IVY LEAGUE

Harvard 8-2 Сютей
Pennsylvania 6-4 Brown
Princeton 6-4 Dartmouth
Yale 6-4 Columbia

ALLIVY: Hinz, Frilot, Yohe, Peterson, Consigli,

McConnell, Sensky, Bell (Harvard); Guzi, Keys,
Bauer, Johnson (Pennsylvania); Jason Garrett,
Judd Garett, Pagnanelli. Leal, Emery (Prince-
ton); Rudolph, Kalman, Szuba, Brice, Essick
(Yale); Мебгапо, Bnckley, Lee (Cornell); Wood,
Kylish, Madden, Pyne (Brown), Morton, Soren-
sen, Sims, Michael (Dartmouth); Childers, Alex,
M. Pollard, Less (Columbia).

rusher and scorer, Tony Hinz. Harvard's
defense, which allowed only an 87-yard
rushing average last year, will again be
tough. Pennsylvania, the dominant team in
the Ivy League in the Eighties, with five
conference titles either shared or won out-
right, will try to rebound from a disap-
pointing 4-6 mark. Bryan Keys, last year's
Ivy League Rookie of the Year, is the offen-
sive star. Princeton is a team оп the rise. The
Tigers have the Garrett brothers in their
backfield, Jason at quarterback, Judd at
running back. Yale will have most of the
defense back that helped it to a 7-3 finish
last year. Unfortunately, the Eli lost eight
starters from the offense and have yet to
settle on a quarterback, Coach Maxie
Baughan thinks Cornell is ready to make a
run for the Ivy League crown if he can fill
the gaps in the defensive line and the sec-
ondary. Cornell will get solid linebacking
from Mike McGrann and Mitch Lee. Brown
will have trouble equaling its success of last
year (7-3) because of graduation losses.
Coach John Rosenberg's biggest problem is
putting together a solid defensive unit
with only a few experienced players. Coach
Buddy Teevens had an inauspicious first
season at Dartmouth. After a 2-8 record
last year and with a minimum amount of
talent returning, he is preaching a work
ethic—and optimism. Columbia has every-
one in the conference scared to death. The
Lions are the holders of college football's
all-time losing streak at 41 and none of
their Ivy League rivals wants to let them
off the hook.

е.

As usual, the Southeastern Conference
will be a dogfight, with four teams, Tennes-
see, Georgia, Alabama and Auburn, all hav-
ing a good shot at the title. If Tennessee
can beat Georgia in the first game of the
season, the Volunteers should prevail. 1£
Georgia wins, they'll breeze until they play
Florida and Auburn at the end of the sea-
son. An upset loss takes any team immedi-
ately out of contention, Florida and Lovisiana
Store will both have excellent teams and
should wind up with more victories than
losses. LSU would be rated much higher if

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176

such a difficult schedule.

ill try to recover from a dis-
astrous 3-8 scason in 1987. Mississippi State,
4-7 last ycar, should improve defensively
with nine starters returning. Sophomore
tailback David Fair will excel at running
back if he can recover sufficiently from
knee surgery Vanderbilt has a much

it didn't has

‘SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

Louisiana St. 6-5
Mississippi 5-6
Mississippi St 5-6
Vanderbilt 4-7
Kentucky 4-7

ALLSOUTHEASTERN: DeLong, Cobb, Francis,
Still, Simons, Cleveland (Tennessee); Goldberg,
Sadowski, Smith, Webster, Guthrie, Wheeler
(Georgia); Humphrey, Thomas, Rose, Kendrick,
Cross, Wyatt, Jelks (Alabama); Tillman, Rocker,
Reeves, Shulman, Lyle, Ogletree, Roland
(Auburn); Oliver, Williams, Weston, Roth, Smith
(Florida); Hodson, Phillips, Browndyke, Sancho.
Jackson (Louisiana State); Moore, Young, Walls,
Lowe, Sandroni (Mississippi); Butts, Martin,
Anderson, Phillips, Hadley (Mississippi State),
Jones, Moore, Winston, Mitchell (Vanderbilt);
Pfeifer, Adams, Darrington, Robinson, Barnett
(Kentucky).

improved team and some momentum after
winning three out of four games as last
scason wound down. But even with quar-
terback Eric Jones, who led the S.E.C. in
passing efficiency and total offense, Vandy
will find the opposition too tough to make
500. Kentucky will struggle to replace num-
ber-two all-time UK rusher Mark Higgs
«nd four ош of five offensive-line star ters.

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

Clemson 10-1 N. Carolina St.
Virginia 7-4 М. Carolina
Wake Forest 7-4 Maryland
Duke 7-4 Georgia Tech 4-7

ALL-ATLANTIC COAST: Woolford, Allen, Hatches
Nunamacher (Clemson), Ford, Brown, C

Griges, Inderlied, Lageman (Virginia); Greene,
Elkins, Young (Wake Forest); Hines, Peterson,
Port, Boone, Allen, Dilweg (Duke); Worthen,
Massaro, Brooks, Auer, Peebles (North Carolina
State); Crowley, Dorn, Gamica, Goss, Marriott
Worth Carolina); Anderson, Brown, Joines, Syd-
nor (Maryland); E. Thomas, Lester (Georgia Tech).

5-6

Clemson, almost a cinch to win its third
consecutive Atlantic Coast Conference ti-
tle, is the class of the conference. Vi
8-4 last season with a win over Brigham
Young in the All-American Bowl, has 15
starters back, including wide receiver John
Ford. Unfortunately for the Cavaliers, all-
A.C.C. quarterback Scott Secule: not
one of them, and the responsibility to get
the ball to Ford will fall to redshirt sopho-
more Shawn Moore. Wake Forest coach Bill
Dooley thinks his 1988 team, with 17
starters returning, appears solid on paper.
“But,” he says, "the paper is very thin."
Wake Forest, the second-smallest school
(3400 undergraduates) playing Division I
football, traditionally has depth problems.
Duke coach Steve Spurrier won raves as an
offensive genius. In 1986, the Blue Devils
were last in total offense in the A.C.C. Last

year, with Spurrier’ pass-oriented pro-
style game plan, they were first. Four-year
quarterback starter Steve Slayden is gone,
but senior Anthony Dilweg should ade-
quately replace him. Clarkston Hines, who
led the A.C.C. in receiving yardage, is still
only a junior. North Carolina State has two
bona fide stars in all-A.C.C. center Chuck
Massaro and flanker Naz Worthen, an all-
A.C.C. player in 1986 who redshirted last
year. Wolfpack coach Dick Sheridan has to
hope his young and inexperienced team
can mature before the difficult second half
of the schedule. North Carolina's new coach,
Mack Brown, wor't have the luxury of a
soft early schedule to get his young team
together. It will be trial by fire, with games
against South Carolina, Oklahoma,
Louisville and Auburn. If quarterback
Jonathan Hall can't come back from shoul-
der surgery freshman Deems May vill
get the call. Maryland is unlikely to better
last seasons 4—7 record. The Terps have
lost standout tight end Ferrell Edmunds
and Azizduddin Abdur-Ra'oof, the wide
receiver with the impossible name who
holds Maryland career records for pass re-
ceptions and receiving yards. Georgic Tech,
battered by injuries last season and unable
to do better than 2-9, has lots of candi-
dates for its starting-quarterback job but
freshman Lee Williamson is the favorite.
Tech's secondary is another area where
there are móre questions than answers.

‘SOUTH INDEPENDENTS
Florida State 10-1 Southern
Miami 9-2 Mississippi 6-5
South Carolina 8-3 Virginia lech 4-7
Memphis State 6-5 East Carolina 4-7

Tulane 6-5

ALL-SOUTH INDEPENDENT: Sanders, S. Smith,
Tomberlin, Haggins, Lewis, Kuipers, Hayes
(Florida State), Hawkins, Carter, O'Neill,
1. Jones, Mark, Walsh, McDowell (Miami); Ellis,
Green, Robinson, Mackie, Price, Fryer, Hendrix,
Frazier (South Carolina); Brown, Bennett, Du-
bose, Nettles, Pryo Young (Memphis State);
Jones, Harvey, Price (Tulane); Gandy, Favre,
Hansford, Tillman (Southern Mississippi); Kin-
zer Hill, Grantham, Richardson, Cockrell (Vir-
‚ginia Tech); Hunter, James (East Carolina).

The strongest teams of the South Inde-
pendents, Horida State, Miami and South Car-
olina, are among the best teams in the
country Memphis State is the most im-
proved team in the region. Tulane returns
Terence Jones, one of the best run-and-
pass quarterbacks in the country. However,
Tulane's problem continues to be defense.
It allowed an average of 32 points and 419
yards per game last year. Southern Mississip-
pi hasa new coach, Curley Hallman, and a
schedule that has the team on the road sev-
en times. Virginia Tech will try to improve on
last years disappointing 2-9 record but
will face a tough schedule without an expe-
rienced quarterback. East Carolina returns
ten starters on offense but has big prob-
lems with a defense that allowed oppo-
nents an average of 30.3 points a game.

BIG TEN

Minnesota
Purdue
Illinois
‘Wisconsin
Northwestern

lowa 9-2
Michigan State 8-3
Michigan 8-3
Ohio State 6-5
Indiana 6-5

ALL-BIG TEN: Hartlieb, Cook, Haight, Kratch
(lowa); Miller, Mandanch, Snow, Rison, Budde,
Davis, Ezor Langeloh, Larson, McAllister (Michi-

gan State); Brown, Kolesar, McMurtry, Husar,
Vitale, Messner, Gillette (Michigan); Uhlenhake.
McCray, Staysniak, Workman, Snow, Brown
(Ohio State); Schnell, Thompson, Shrader, Bates
(Indiana); Thompson, Leverenz, Williams, Jack-
son, Gaiters, Goetz (Minresota); Foster, J. Wil
liams, C. Williams, McCarthy (Purdue); Cobb.
Gardner, McGowan, Jones (Illinois); Wings, Art-
ley, Nelson, Lowery (Wisconsin); Baum, Sanders,
Peterson, McClellan (Northwestern).

towa gets the nod in the Big Ten because
of quarterback Chuck Hartlieb and a
schedule that includes some early patsies.
Except for the loss of Lorenzo White, Michi-
gan State is just as good as it was last year
when it went undefeated in the conference.
Michigan and Ohio State both have very
tough out-of-conference schedules. lt is
unlikely that Indiana will be able to beat
both Ohio State and Michigan again this
year. Minnesota has the best running back
in the conference in Darrell Thompson
but will have to find a new quarterback and
shape up the offensive line. Purdue coach
Fred Akers had an excellent recruiting
year, but it will take time to get the Boiler-
makers back on the winning track. John
Mackovic, former head coach of the Kan-
sas City Chiefs, is the new head coach at Mi-
neis. Not hired until February third,
Mackovics late start makes his first year es-
pecially difficult. Wisconsin is unlikely to do
any better than last season's 3-8 record,
while Northwestern will be hard pressed to
win more than two games.

MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE

Kent State 8-3 Central
Bowling Green 7-4 _ Michigan
Wester Toledo

Ball State
Michigan 7-4

AUL-MID-AMERICAN: Wilkerson, Young, Howell,
Edmonds, Curtis (Kent State); Kramer, Dackin,
Daniels, Thorton, Heard, Holmes (Bowling
Green); Hence, Kimbrough, Hoffman, Smeenge
(Western Michigan); Klassa, Colosimo, Wyka,
Kupp, Banaitis (Eastem Michigan); Hood, Reed,
Nicholl (Central Michigan); Моуе Т Olsen, Mc-
Creary, Fletcher (Toledo); Parmalee, Garnica,
‚Ashburn, Walton (Ball State); Stofa, Konrad
(Miami of Ohio); Feldman, Thornton (Ohio Uni-
versity).

Its going to be a wide-open race in the
Mid-American Conference again this year,
with seven of its nine teams having a shot
at the title. Kent State has an outstanding
running back, Eric Wilkerson, returning
for his final scason, plus Patrick Young, the
highly touted sophomore quarterback who
was hurt in last season's opening game
against Akron and missed the rest of the
season. Kent State's coach is Dick Crum,
who for the past ten years has been head

coach at North Carolina. Bowling Green will
be in the title hunt with quarterback Rich
Dackin, the M.A.C.s total-offense leader,
leading the way. Quarterback Tony Kim-
brough and wide receiver Jamic Непсе
head up the versatile oflense of Western
Michigan. Eastern Michigan, last year's con-
ference champion and winner of the Cali-
fornia Bowl (EMU 30, San Jose State 27),
will miss all-M.A.C. performers Gary Pat-
ton at running back and Ron Adams at
quarterback. Central Michigan's standout re-
turning player is running back John
Hood. Toledo has excellent size and experi-
ence in its offensive line, which features
all-conference tackle Ken Moyer, who, at
6'6”, 293 pounds, dominates the confer-
ence. But at both quarterback and run-
ning back, the Rockets are weak. Ball State
has a super young sophomore running
back in Bernie Parmalee and some excel-
lent linebackers, Greg Garnica and Tim
Walton. The Cardinals will have to avoid
last year's tendency to turn the ball over to
the opposition. The only two teams that
lack the talent to contend for the confer-
ence crown are Miami of Ohio, which re-
turns only eight starters from last year, and
Ohio University, which managed one scant
victory last season.

MIDWEST INDEPENDENTS

Notre Dame 8-3 Louisville 4-7
Northern Illinois 4-7 Cincinnati 3-8

ALL-MIDWEST INDEPENDENT. Bolcar, Green,

Heck. Streeter Stonebreaker Brown (Notre
Dame); M. Taylor, Delisi, Hollingshed, Townsel
(Northern Illinois}; Gruden, Cummings, Doug-
las, Hamilton, Bcoker (Louisville). Asbeck,
Stewart, B. Davis, Mukes (Cincinnati).

Other than Notre Dame, the Midwestern
Independents will have to content them-
selves with the occasional upset of a nation-
al contender. Northern illinois had а very
effective wishbone offense last season. In
fact, it was sixth best in the nation in rush-
ing, with 295.1 yards per game. Marshall
Taylor, the Huskies' excellent option quar-
terback, is attempting to come back from a
broken leg suffered in the final game.
Coach Howard Schncllenberger, who
coached Miami to a national championship
in 1983, is still looking for the talent to put
together a winning team at tovisville. May-
be he ought to ask Cardinal basketball
coach Denny Crum for some recruiting
tips. At Cincinnati, coach Dave Curreys
problems are compounded by nat having
an experienced quarterback to run the
Bearcats! multiple pro-set attack. His de-
fense, which allowed opponents an aver-
age of 28.5 points per game last season,
returns only four starters.

Tradition lovers won't be disappointed as
Oklahoma and Nebraska once again decide
the conference championship on Novem-
ber 19. There's no reason to think the
Sooners won't continue their recent domi-
nation over the Huskers.

Discounting the Kansas schools, the rest

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of the Big Eight looks like a fairly evenly
matched dogfight. Oklahoma State proba-
bly has enough offensive firepower to take
Colorado's challenge.

Missouri’s football fortunes have recently
improved under the direction of coach
Woody Widenhofer. The Tigers won one

BIG EIGHT

Okahoma 10-1
Nebraska 92
Oklahoma State 7-4
‚Colorado 7-4

ALL-BIG EIGHT: Philips, Holieway, Latham, Dil-
lon, D. Williams, Finch, C. Williams (Oklahoma);

Taylor, Thomas, Young, Blazek, Etienne (Ne-
braska); Dykes, Sanders, Gilliam, R. Smith,
Gundy, Drain (Oklahoma State): Norgard.
DeLuzio, English, Jones, Muilenburg, Flanigan
(Colorado); Jones, Vandegrift, Stowers, Bruton,
Wilson (Missouri); Henderson, Shudak, Ross,
Busch, Dole, Sims, Hoskins (она Stato); Moore,
Vaughn, Snell, Baker (Kansas); Harper. Stange
(Kansas State).

game in 1985, three in 1986 and five last
season. Sixteen starters, including talented
cornerback Adrian Jones, give Mizzou a
chance for six or even seven victories this
ycar. lowa State, under second-ycar coach
Jim Walden, should also improve on last
season's 3-8 record. Joc Henderson, the
first Cyclone running back since 1981 to
have a 1000-yard rushing year, is back, as is
sophomore Jeff Shudak, the third-rated
Kicker in the nation last year. Kansas and
Kansas State must feel the way the ‘Texans
felt waiting for Ше Mexicans at the Alamo.
You know youre going to have to go
through it and you know it's not going to
be good. New Kansas Jayhawk coach Glen
Mason and his counterpart at KSU, Stan
Parrish, will do thc only thing thcy can do:
keep a stiff upper lip and work for the
future.

‘SOUTHWEST CONFERENCE

Texas AEN — 8-3 Houston 5-6
lees 7-4 Texas Christian 5-6
Arkansas 6-5 Baylor 5-6

Texas Tech 6-5 Rice 3-8

ALL-SOUTHWEST. Roper Slater, Fontenot, D.
lewis, Harris, Wallace, Bob, Morris, Batiste,
Richardson (Texas A&M): Metcalf, Hager, Jones,
Llewellyn, Hackemack, Waits, Clements (Texas);
Rouse, Childress (Arkansas); Walker, Tolliver,
Anderson, Gray, Royal, Segrist, Mosley (Texas
Tech); Jackson, Phillips, Dixon, Anders (Hous-
ton}; Newton, Benson, Simien, Sullivan, Becker,
Rascoe, Spencer (Texas Christian); Blackmon,
Sign, Welch, Crockett, Goebel, Francis, Hall
(Baylor); Hall, McClay (Rice).

Texas A&M will likely continue its domina-
tion of the Southwest Conference, though
Texas is on the rise again.

While the reborn athletic department at
Arkansas refuses to supply us with the same
kind of information about their football
program that other schools provide, our
inside sources tell us that the Razorbacks
will likely finish third in the conference
this year. Arkansas has two outstanding
players in running back James Rouse and
300-pound-plus offensive lineman Freddie

Childress. Texas Tech has an oflensive pow-
erhouse with the returning Billy Joe Tol-
liver at quarterback. Tolliver threw for
1422 yards last ycar, despite missing three
games because of an injury. Tech also has
"the Smurfs,” the receiving team of Wayne
Walker (32 catches for 659 yards) Eddy
Anderson (30 catches for 449 yards) and
tiny Tyrone Thurman, who, at 5/3", 135
pounds, is the smallest Division I player in
the nation. 1f Tech could play defense, it
would be dangerous. Texas lech will upset
at least one of the conference favorites
along the way. Houston, Texas Christian and
Baylor are evenly bunched and will proba-
bly play a game over or under .500 for the
season. Houston was 3-0-1 in the last four
games last season, and with almost the en-
tire offensive starting unit returning, it
will score a lot of points. Texas Christian,
the S. WC. total-offense leader (400-yards-
per-game average), is another team with
offensive punch. Playboy All-America
Chris Becker is TCU's punter. Baylor, on
the other hand, loses all but three ol
starters on offense but returns the majority
of its defense. Rice promises to be im-
proved in all categories, though it is still
below the competition level of its confer-
ence rivals.

PACIFIC 10

California
Arizona State

UCLA 5
5

Dregon 5-
4.

‘Southern
California
Vashington
Arizona tate -
Stanford 6-5 Oregon State 3-8

ALL-PAC 10: Aikman, Lake, Cornish, Wahler
Henley, Velasco, Arbuckle (UCLA); Peete, Green,
Colter, Carrier, Affholter Holt, Webster (Southern
California); Zandofsky Brown, Weathersby
Jenkins, D. Hall, Ames (Washington); J.
Tofflemire, Hill, Wells, С. Singleton, K Singleton,
DeBow, Washington (Arizona), Archambeau,
Sinclair, Grant, Huckestein, Zentner (Stanford);
Dickson, Taylor, Whiteside, Ortega, Richards,
Zawatson (California); Schuh, Zendejas, Gar
rett, Sapolu, Mahlstede, Kirby Underwood (Ari-
zona State), Musgrave, Brock, Obee, Kaumeyer,
Kozak (Oregon). Utley, Broussard, Cook, Dyko
(Washington State); Wilhelm, Ross, Thomas,
Harris (Oregon State).

Washington

The Pac 10 championship will probably
be decided, as it was last year, when UCLA
and USC battle it ош in Pasadena on
November 19. The game matches two
great traditions and two great college
quarterbacks, Aikman and Peete. Give the
nod to UCLA this time. Washington and Ari-
zona are both contenders. Stanford, blessed
with quarterbacks and wide receivers, will
play a wide-open run-and-shoot offense
thats designed to put a lot of receivers in
their patterns quickly. The Cardinals’ run-
E game and defense are suspect, Califor-
nia, with 19 starters back from last year,
would be a dark-horse candidate in the Pac
10 if there weren't such a thing as injuries.
The Golden Bears have an impact quarter-
back in Troy Taylor, but no backup if he
gets hurt. The same lack of depth is a fac-
tor at running back and wide receiver.

When coach John Cooper fled Arizona State
for the head coaching job at Ohio State,
ASU wasted no time in promoting defen-
sive coordinator Larry Marmie to the top
spot. The Sun Devils got a break when
quarterback Daniel Ford regained a year
of lost eligibility after an N.C.A.A. ruling
last March. ASU lacks wide-receiver depth
and a proven runner. Oregon will also be in
the middle group of contenders. The
Ducks' number-one asset is quarterback
Bill Musgrave, who was the top freshman
passer in the country last year. Washington
State and Oregon State will play catch-up,
mostly because neither has the defensive
strength to stop its opponents.

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE
Texas-El Paso 9-3 Шаһ
un E 8-4 San Diego State 5
ing, 8-4 Colorado State 2-9
бүлігі Young 7- 3 New Mexico 1-11
Hawaii 6-6

ALL-WESTERN ATHLETIC: Harvey, Adkison,
Hegarty, Morgan, Pufahl, Spady, Tolbert, Walker
(Texas-El Faso); Dowis, Hlatky, Roberson,
Hughes, Walker (Air Force}; Salisbury, Schen
beck, Rabold (Wyoming); Thompson, Covey,
Bellini, Handley, Long (Brigham Young); Fakava,
Amosa, Seumalo (Kawaii); Johnson, Jacobsen,
Mitchell (Utah); Wells, Mitchell, Jackson, Paul,
Hewitt, Gilbreath, Fortin (San Diego State);
Cortell, Molander, Whitehouse, Mundt, Rule
(Colorado State); Mathis, Bell (New Mexico).

Last year, Brigham Young had to play sec-
ond fiddle to Wyoming. This year, it may
have to repeat the part for Texas-El Paso
and Air Force. Wyoming will hope for a sec-
ond straight Cinderella season but is short
at quarterback. Last year, Hawaii had a new
coach, Bob Wagner, a new offense and only
two returning starters on defense and still
posted a 5-7 record. Wagner starts over
on defense again this year, since all but
three starters have departed. Haw:
schedule (only three road games) is a help.
Utah is one of several WA.C. teams that
will be able to score a lot of points but may
have trouble on defense, The Utes have an
outstanding sophomore quarterback in
6'6" Scott Mitchell. Coach Jim Fassel rates
him the best quarterback he has coached
since John Elway at Stanford. Running
back Eddie Johnson, out last year with a
knee injury, is one of the best in the confer-
ence. San Diego State will have to replace
quarterback Todd Santos, the МС.А.А.5
all-time passing leader (11,425 yards). The
Aztecs’ defense also needs upgrading. Col-
orado State has little to go with all-W.A.C.
defensive back Ron Cortell, who, at 5'8",
160 pounds, led the team in tackles last
year. New Mexico, winless in 1987, has even
more problems, since leading receiver Ter-
ance Mathis became academically incligi-
ble this past spring. Mathis, who had 73
receptions for 1132 yards in 1987, has gone
to summer school in an effort to regain his
status. The Lobos allowed opponents an
average of more than 500 yards per game
las season, the most by any Division 1
school in the country

THE BIG WEST

Fresno State 9-2 Са State
Utah State 8-3
San Jose State 7-5
Pacific 6-5
Cal State-
Fullerton 5-6 2-9

ALL-BIG WEST. Rogers, Cox, Skipper, Telford,

Hanis (Fresno State); Smith, Snyder, Newman,

Brown, Roberts (Utah State); Taylor Ras-
nick, Johnson, Swall (San Jose State); Gran,
Jones, Harper, Koperek (University of the Pa-
cific); Jenkins, Fitts, Bryan, Schaflel (Cal
State-Fullerton); Graham Caines, D. Washington,
Alexander, Morrison (Cal State-Long Beach);
Rhynes, Operin, Harden, Cook, C. Davis (Ne-
vada-Las Vegas); Dickey (New Mexico State).

The Pacific Coast Conference, attempt
ing to garner a little more media attention
east of the Rockies, has changed its name
to The Big West Conference. Whatever its
title, N.EL. scouts traditionally find plenty
of excellent players in this well-balanced
and very competitive conference. Fresno
State has put eight players in the N.EL.
draft the past two years and still has
enough talent between returning starters
and junior college transfers to rate as the
favorite to win the conference title. Coach
Jim Sweeney has found a running attack in
the person of fullback Myron Jones, who
ran the 40-yard dash this past spring in
4.33 seconds. The Bulldogs’ two top play-
ers on defense are linebackers Tracy
Rogers and Ren Cox. Coming off five wins
in its last six games last season, Utah State
will also challenge for the title. The Aggies
have the conferences best receiver in
Kendal Smith, who averaged more than
six catches a game last season. San Jose
State, winner of the conference title the
past two years, faces a major rebuilding job
after losing 17 starters, including quarter-
back Mike Perez. Fortunately for coach
Claude Gilbert, the Spartans are talent-
deep and can rebuild quickly. The University
of the Pacific will improve on its 4-7 record
from last year. The strength of the Tiger
team is its defense, where all-conference
defensive backs Ruben Harper and Greg
Koperek return. Coach Gene Murphy
probably has the best defense of his nine-
year tenure at Cal State-Fullerton. Unfortu-
nately, the Titans graduated most of last
years offensive starters. Highly touted jun-
ior college player Dan Spelz will vie with
Carlos Siragusa for the starüng-quarter-
back spot. Cal State-Long Beach will feature
third-year quarterback Jeff Graham and a
рай of talented receivers, Derek Washing-
ton and Mark Seay The 49ers, with little
depth, will have to avoid injuries to have a
winning season. Nevada-Las Vegas lacks ex-
perience and depth. Coach Wayne М
nely is looking for help from h
college transfer players. New Mexico State
will try to strengthen ап anemic offense
that averaged only 11 points per game last
year, while rebuilding a defense that lost
all but three of last season's starters.

Here's hoping your team wins.

Sensual
Aids:

How to order them
without embarrassment.
How to use them
without disappointment.

If you've been reluctant to purchase sensual
aids through the mail, the Xandria Collection
would like to offer you two things that may
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1. A guarantee

2. Another guarantee

First, we guarantee your privacy. Should
you decide to order our catalogue or prod-
ucts, your transaction will be held in the
strictest confidence.

Your name will never (never) be sold or
given to any other company. No unwanted,
embarrassing mailings. And everything we
ship to you is plainly packaged, securely
wrapped, without the slightest indication of
its contents on the outside.

Second, we guarantee your satisfaction.
Everything offered in the Xandria Collection
is the result of extensive research and real-
life testing. We are so certain that the risk of
disappointment has been eliminated from
our products, that we can actually guarantee
your satisfaction – or your money promptly,
unquestioningly refunded.

What is the Xandria Collection?
Itisa very, very specialcollection of sensual
aids. Itindudes the finest and mosteffective
products available from around the world.
Products that can open new doors to pleasure
(perhaps many you never knew existed!)

Our products range from the simple to the
delightfully complex. They are designed for
both the timid and the bold. For anyone
whos ever wished there could be something
more to their sensual pleasure.

If you're prepared to intensify your own
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Xandria Collection Gold Edition catalı
It is priced at just four dollars whicl
applied in full to your first order.

Write today. You have absolutely nothing
to lose. And an entirely new world of
enjoyment to gain.

The Xandria Collection, Dept. PB1088
P.O. Box 31039, San Francisco, CA 94131

Please send me, by first class mail, my copy of the

Xandria Collection Gold Edition catalogue. Enclosed is
my check or money order for four dollars which will be

spplicd towards mi et purchase, (U.S. Resicenksond)

Name.

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City

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Тат an adult over 21 years of age:

(signature required)

Xandria. 1245 16th St., San Francisco. Void where
prohibited by law.

—SUPERSHOPPING Es

Designed to fit over a ski

Top: Look, Ma, no focusing wheel! These

parka or sweater, the Timex Ski- Perma Focus 2000 7mm x 35mm binoculars,

athlom watch has oversized con- ideal for sports viewing, hold the focus from

trol buttons (for use with gloves), a 40 feet to infinity, by Jason Empire, Overland
Fahrenheit/Celsius thermometer with bar- Park, Kansas, $90. Above: Camouflage bin-
graph and digital display, chronograph, count- oculars designed for low-light viewing, by
down timer, alarm and hourly chime, $65. Coleman, East Bloomfield, New York, $125.

Above: Handmade of ultrasmooth vegetable-
dyed cowhide, this travel bag measures a roomy
20" x 14" x 10", from The Bree Store, New York,
$685. Below: A 15"x9"x3" leather-lined
nickel-silver briefcase with expandable leather
sides. The lid and front pieces are hinged, from
Accessories in Metal, New York, about $500.

Say aahhh! The Thumper body mas-

sager may never put Inge, your Swedish

masseuse, out of work, but it will provide a

relaxing massage to tired muscles with a steady, percussive

stroke from ball bearings sealed inside rubber and plastic.
Thumper operates on A.C. current, by Wellness Innovations,

180 Markham, Ontario, about $300, including an instruction manual.

OTOGRAPHY BY STE

NWAY

Nakamichi's AM/FM Stereo Clock Radio is a tw
design for stereo sound or a single clock-radio ш
main unit (below) features a clock-radio with
digital tuner and dual alarms, $139.
Its optional stereo com-
panion, $89.

Created by fashion
designer Jacques
Fath, Green. Water
cologne has по
been available in the
U.S. for years. Now
it's being imported
again, and Mr. Guy
in Beverly Hills sells
the scented eau de
toilette in 4%-oz.
bottles for $45.

For sound that's pure gold, give
Mobile Fidelity Sound Lab's new
Ultradisc CDs a listen. Each
disc is backed with pure
24-М. gold that elimi-

nates “dropout” areas

where no sound is re-

corded. Albums

include Pink Hoyd's

Dark Side of the

Moon, about $30.

weight Infinity
SuperZoom 300,

byOlympus, captures the

moment with autofocus, motorized
38mm-105mm autozoom, spot me-
tering and framed-portrait mode.
Other nifty features include auto-
matic filmadvance and rewindand a
large LCD readout panel, 5600.

GRAPEVINE

Roxanna Defies
the Laws of Gravity

Actress ROXANNA MICHAELS can be
found on the big screen in Angel 111: The
Final Chapter and The Newlydeads. She
will also be featured in a TV pilot called
Dawn of Promises. We can make you a
promise that Roxanna won't show up on
the tube dressed like this any time soon.
So feast your eyes, guys!

PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC

Blues News

When ZZ TOP went to Mississippi to spearhead a fund raiser for the Muddy
2 Waters exhibit at the Delta Blues Museum, they presented a guitar to the muse-
қ um made out of cypress salvaged from the cabin in which Muddy was raised.

ROBERT MATHEU

Seeing Double
Singer JODY WATLEY is hard at
work on her next album, which
should be out by Christmas.
More of Jody is a good thing.

182

Great
Balls of Fire

In the world according
to TERENCE TRENT
D'ARBY, he'd like to be
the Jerry Lee Lewis of

his time. The way things
are going, he just may
make it.

Foreign Body
SABRINA is Italian. She's also a sensation in France and Italy, where her singles Boys
and Hot Girl were on the Furopean charts. Bringing Sabrina to you in Grapevine is
our version of a cultural exchange. Let's hear it for culture!

PAUL NATKIN PHOTO RESERVE INC

Pigging Out
Big Pig has three drummers and no guitarists. It's
percussion heaven for SHERINE (left) and OLEH
WITER, two of the seven-member band.
И you haven't caught them in con-
cert, get a copy of Bonk. There's

nothing poky about Big Pig.

£ PAUL NATKIN / PHOTO RESERVE INC.

Dance Master

Instant memories for all those people who can do
the funky chicken. Singer RUFUS THOMAS dust-
ed off his cape and boots for Atlantic Records”
40th-birihday bash this past spring.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Now that you've memorized every obscure lacı
imaginable playing Trivial Pursuit. there's Person-
al Preference, a game in which you secretly rank
four topics in order of preference and then let
other players reason how you ranked the subjects
you chose—and why. Mussolini, mosquitoes, the
National Rifle Association and even Hel are sub-
jects to be reckoned with. (We know how we'd
rank that list.) Personal Preference is аха
nationwide for about $30. Fun!

HAPPY HOWLOWEEN

Just when you thought it was safe to go trick-or-
treating again, along comes Death Studios, 431
Pine Lake Avenue, La Porte, Indiana 46350, with
the kind of masks nightmares are made of. Man-
gler (below left) is a dental assistant's scream come
true and only $65, postpaid. At $100, Wolf! (below
right) should be a howling success. But the real
flesh in the pan is Ed Gein—Murderer (below
center), a $37.50 half-mask depiction of the fa-
mous Wisconsin ghoul. Call 219-362-4321 for fast,
fast, fast Halloween relief. Arrrrgh!

POTPOURRI

given birth to its first baby boomer-
door hi

110-hp turbocharged еі

TELL THEM JOE SENT YOU

The marriage of Isuzu automobiles with "Handling by Lotus" has

chback with body-colored bumpers, rear spoiler and body
side moldings and skirts. НА а nice-looking little package that be-
comes even nicer with black Recaro front bucket seats, a leather-
wrapped steering wheel and a four-speaker stereo/cassette system.
The guts of the Isuzu I-Mark (would we lie to you?) are a 1.3-Шег
gine, five-speed transmission and Lotus-
engineered suspension that, for only $982
yet economical —combination of performance and handling that
we test-drove in Palm Springs. Don't believe us?

THE FUTURE
15 NOW

The Fluxion clock is the
world's first personal life-
span chronometer. Inside
the 52-inch black acrylic
tower 15 a microchip that
contains a time-conversion
program that displays your
life number (the quantity of
ume, in seconds, that has
passed from the moment of
vour birth to the present) in
ten LED readouts—and
then continues to count sec-
ond by second into the fu-
ture. To program the
Fluxion dock. you simply
enter your birth date (vear,
month, day, hour, minute,
second) or any date and
time within the past 300
years, along with the pres-
ent date and time. The
clock does the rest. It's
ilable for $520, postpaid.
from The Fluxion Corpora-
поп, PO. Box 267921.
Chicago 60626. By the way
Playboy magazine is about
1096.243.210 seconds old.

the I-Mark RS Turbo. а thre

3, provide an exciting—

Ask Joe Isuzu.

VROOM SHTICK

For the automotive hot-shot who wants to
monitor his machine's performance but
can't afford megabuck equipment, there's
the Vericom ҮС200, a device that plugs
into your car's cigarette lighter and gives
you readouts for measured speed, elapsed
time, lateral and longitudinal g forces, dis-
tance, horsepower, braking and more.

The price: $430, postpaid, sent to Veri-
com, 6000 Culligan Way, Minnetonka,
Minnesota 55345. Adios, A. ]. Eat our dust

IN VINO DOMINUS

Seagram Chateau & Estates Wines Com-
pany has announced the introduction of
Dominus, a limited-edition Napa Valley
wine resulting from the partnership of
Christian Moueix (he oversees the wine
making at the legendary Chateau Petrus,
among others) with the John Daniel Soci-
ety of California. Dominus is made from
the Bordeaux varieties cabernet sauvi-
gnon, merlot and cabernet franc. The 1984
vintage is available—if you can find it—
for $40 to $45 a bottle. Start looking.

s Dominus

==" estate

TUPA VALLEY. RED MELE WANE
5! PRODUCED & BOTTLED EY JOHNDANEL SDOIEY, ST ELENA CA USA

SHOW TIME

Years ago, vintage movie
posters were the kind of dis-
posable art with which you'd
paper your bathroom. Today
you put them in a bank vault
and call your insurance agent
So if you'd like to invest in
original cinema posters, Mis-
cellaneous Man, PO. Box 1002,
New Freedom, Pennsylvania
17349, is offering, for only $5.
two catalogs listing about 1200
AI" Manhat
tan Cocktail at right, for exam-
ple, goes for $900. Others are
priced from $50 to $6000.
Me're saving our pennies for
number 172, Gentleman Joe
Palooka. Au $75, it's a steal.

posters. The

FOR ROADS SCHOLARS ONLY

A limited number of Pirelli calendars are printed each year, and
they are sent out primarily to top executives and heads of state.
(John Lennon once visited Pirelli and begged for onc.) But to com-
memorate the 25th anniversary of the calendar, Salem House is
publishing the Pirelli Calendar Album—every photo that has ever
appeared in a Pirelli calendar, all housed in а $40 coflee-table
book. It's a collection of sexy pictures that you won't tire of

WHEN YOU DON'T
CARE TO
SEND THE VERY BEST

Poison Pen cards are just the
thing to ease the pain caused
by broken promises and annoy-
ing assholes. "Pardon my

French . . . but fuckez-vous!" is
always nice for someone for-
merly special, as is “Life's a
bitch . . . and so are you."

Then there's "Sorry to hear
youresick.,.tutwealways 7%
knew that" and "Let's make
love... І need a laugh." What
fun—and all for about $1.50

a card. Joss Productions in
Albany New York (518-462-
7094), can tell you who your
nearest retailer is. Do call them

with a cheery hello 185

NEXT MONTH

WEIRD TIMES

“PLANET OF THE LOSERS”—A KLUTZY ALIEN MAKES
AN EMERGENCY LANDING ON THE PLANET EARTH
AND ENDS UP ACTING AS A MEDIATOR FOR A BICKER-
ING COUPLE. FICTION BY THOMAS BERGER

“DUKAKIS AND BUSH DUKE IT OUT"—AMERICA
WATCHES AS THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES FOL-
LOW THEIR HATS INTO THE RING. IN-DEPTH PROFILES
OF BOTH OPPONENTS BY THE REPORTER WHO GAVE
US A GLIMPSE OF JIMMY CARTER'S LUSTING
HEART—ROBERT SCHEER

“TITANIC TRAVEL"—WHAT REALLY HAPPENS ABOARD
А 74000-TON FLOATING PALACE, THE BIGGEST
CRUISE SHIP IN THE WORLD? MAINLY, YOU EAT AN
AVERAGE OF SIX AND A HALF MEALS A DAY. A DIS-
PATCH DIRECT FROM THE HIGH SEAS—BY LEWIS
GROSSBERGER

“1989 PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL”—IT'S TIME AGAIN FOR
YOU TO PLAY MUSICAL CHAIRS WITH US. PARK YOUR-
SELF IN THE JUDGE'S SEAT AND DELIBERATE ON THE
YEAR'S TOP PERFORMERS. WE PROVIDE THE BALLOT,
YOU PROVIDE THE VOTES

mm
(Шаш \
SEXY

DUELING DUKE

“MONDO WEIRDO"—THEYYYYYY'RE HEEEEERE! ODD-
BALLS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD, INFILTRATING
EVERY PROFESSION AND MAKING LUNACY THE NORM.
A CLOSE-UP LOOK AT THE STRANGEST OF THE
STRANGE—BY JERRY STAHL

“SEX IN CINEMA 1988"—FEARMONGERS SAID IT
COULDN'T BE DONE, BUT CELLULOID PASSION STILL.
HEATS UP THE SCREEN. A SIZZLING TEN-PAGE PIC-
TORIAL, WITH TEXT BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON

"WOMEN OF WASHINGTON"—PLAYBOY UNCOVERS
D.G’S CHOICEST LADIES IN A CAPITAL PICTORIAL

JOHN (A FISH CALLED WANDA) CLEESE REVEALS
WHAT MAKES HIM LAUGH, IDENTIFIES A SEVENTH
CHARACTER WHO DIDNT MAKE IT TO THE MONTY
PYTHON GANG AND PONDERS WHAT HE'LL DO AFTER
HE'S DEAD IN A VEDDY WITTY “20 QUESTIONS”

PLUS: THE LATEST ADVENTURES OF THE UNQUENCH-
ABLE WICKED WILLIE; MORE FALL AND WINTER
FASHION, WITH AN EYE ON CASUALWEAR, BY FASHION
EDITOR HOLLIS WAYNE; THE SWEET SMELL OF SUC-
CESS AND OTHER FINE MEN'S FRAGRANCES, BY
NANCE MITCHELL; THAT BRUCE WILLIS INTERVIEW
YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR; AND MUCH, MUCH MORE

"Once she said ‘Yes, I wanted her to have a diamond
that would make her say ‘Wow!’”

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