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OUR DEVASTATING £ 
DOZEN-THE 1988 


PLAMATE REVIEW + Е лш. 

> CRACK 
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THE GLIMPSE of a пке! 
lady, ignites the h milar way, we 
promise that this holiday issue of Playboy, gracefully filled with 
literary lights and fabulous femmes and hung by the newsstand 
e, will put you in a highly celebratory mood. 

‘Topping the list of giftgivers is literary lion Norman Mailer. In 
The Changing of the forthcoming 


he muses on the c importance of wives and mis- 
tresses in a m morous diet. Romance is also on the mind of 
Herbert Gold, author of Room at the Inn. who looks for, and finds, 


love at a holiday p: Pat Andreo, the inte 
painter, illustrated the tale. 

Adding his own perspective on revel 
with a Past, hu cous encounter iri 
house to the rollicking political season beh 
high and mighty brought low by past peccadilloes. 

Harlan Ellison, who chronicled the triumphs of the Sixties gener- 
ation m the January 1988 issue of Playboy, celebrates a different 
subculture in 4 Aart Toontown. Ellison, a devotee of the super- 
hero set, describes the renaissance in comics since their libe 
tion into the adult world. For yet another genre of comic—the 
Stand-up variety—don't miss our speci on comedy: 
You'll learn who laughs best and last 

Jimmy Breslin, New York's vox populi, has seen a lot of dirt and 
skulduggery It's significant. then. th le Crack, he sees 
the powerfully addictive coca as а corruptive 
influence unmatched in the history of the city streets. 

For a hair-raising adventure in sports, Road Warrior, climb 
into the drivers seat with off-road racer Malcolm Smith for 8000 
miles of bad road: the Paris-to-Dakar rally. (Lee Green kept the 
prose on track.) Then match wits with Photography Director 
Gory Cole, who took a break from screening Playmates to peer 
into his crystal b’ball for Playboys College Basketball Preview. 

laking a different peep into the future are Richard and Joyce 
Wolkomir, who inform us in The Bod for 790 that the next decade 
will be the age of curves. Not a moment too soon. The articles 
main illustration, a reinterpretation by Richard Duordo 
Evans of our famous Marilyn Monroe nude. will be avai 
poster. (To order one, call Mirage Editions at 213-450-11 
while you're in an acq rod. stop by The 12 Stores of 
Christmas, where photographer Don Azuma has captured the sea 
son's bounty in its native habitat 


y is Pete Hamill. In Man 
a Mexico City wl 
nd us. which saw the 


ies his га we- 


year have an artthrob: Jessica Rabbit. Jim Harwood sheds 


light on this amatory 


` we сус 


ж among those Sex Stars. F 
4 3 о this months Playboy Interview, con- 
ducted by Eugenie Ross-Leming. Then take a look at 20 Questions 
with Kiss front man, and former Cher amour, Gene Simmons. 
Another rom treat is Matthew Rolston’s pictorial on узене 
Anthony. The Brit beauty has a major film out: Without a Clie, co- 
starring Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley. 
Helping you plan your holiday ente 
Michael Jackson. Belly up to his Connoisseur 
Scotch ( 


amore on 


ining is drink expe 

ade to Single-Malt 
ith illustration by John O'Leary) before you buy your 
s. And while we're introducing our experts, 
4, late of the LA. Times and Harry N. Al 
Publishing, who takes over as Playboy's book columnist. 
Pl; Kata Kärkkäinen, our 
ization, and Playboys Playmate 
1 second only 
паке room for а very spes 
appy returns to the pages of Playboy. 


meet 


Review, a year-end t 
mh carly to 
Ж 


PLAYBILL 


AZUMA 


\ 
SION 


HARWOOD 


+ 


JACKSON OLEARY DIEHL 


олушот, ISSN oaar are: DECEMBER 1990, VOLUME эз, NUMBER 12 PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY W RATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDTIONS PLAYBOY BLOG| 


ч MICHIGAN жек CHICAGO. та. вот! 


NOCAS POSTAGE PAD AT CHCO. Hi # AY ADOL MAILING OFFICES SUBS IN THE US. $28 FOR 12 ISSUES POSTMASTEN SEND ADORESS CHANGE TO PLAYBOY. P O ROX 2007. HARLAN, IOWA 319850821 


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уо]. 35, no. 12—december 1988 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


Tee ee nee EET 3 
a speda 

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS... ar WS 
SPORIS, ........ a . DAN JENKINS 
MENS ee rie voe em RENE age edd .... ASA BABER 42 
WOMEN........ < .. унн +. CYNTHIA HEIMEL 44 
DEAR PLAYMATES. m 46 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ... OUS d x ings 149 
THE PLAYBOY РОВОМ ................... Р 57 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CHER—condid conversation... ...................... 67 
THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD—fiction .. NORMAN MAILER 86 
MAN WITH A PAST—article . . . ЕТЕД ЕВРЕЯ PETE HAMILL 90 


PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW—pictorial 
CRACK-—article . . 
THE 12 STORES OF CHRISTMAS—modern їй. 3 
ROOM AT THE INN—fiction..... ees ......... HERBERT GOLD 118 
THE BOD FOR '90—arrici RICHARD and JOYCE WOLKOMIR 122 


PHOTO FINNISH— playboy's шуган аатор аьаа Ра 126 
PUOBOUS NARI! MORES lios: Lo ices a anaa aata 138 
ROAD WARRIOR-article.. . тё +... MALCOLM SMITH with LEE GREEN 140 
PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW—sports............... GARY COLE 143 
ACONNOISSEUR'S GUIDETO SINGLE-MALT SCOTCH—drink. .. MICHAEL JACKSON 148 
THE POLO LOUNGE— pictorial .........................,.... LEROY NEIMAN 150 


IT AIN'T TOONTOWN-article . 
INSEITE-pietorial. sss 


HARLAN ELLISON 162 
text by JOAN GOODMAN 166 


STAND-UP—humor ... AEG ЖАРАК ОТТЫ, 176 
SEX STARS OF 1988—pictorial. . . text by JIM HARWOOD 180 
20 QUESTIONS: GENE SIMMONS... esee e 192 


FAST FORWARD ..... —-— a 202 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE .................... 


COVER STORY This Finn is no mickey: She's Kato Kérkkóinen, ond you'll see 
much more of her on the centerfald this month. Contributing Photographer 
Stephen Waydo shot the cover, which wos produced by West Coast Photo Edi- 
tor Morilyn Grabowski; Tracy Cianflone styled Miss Decembers hair and 
make-up. As for the Rabbit, hes off ta da o little elbow bending. Cheers! 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BUILDING. O10 NORTH MCHIGANAVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS взен. PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY TO RETURN 


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COLOGNE 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 


JONATHAN BLACK managing editor. 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
©. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso 
ciate editor; FICTION: ALICE K TURNER editor; 
MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS sensor editor; 
ED WALKER associate editor; PHULLIP COOPER dssisl- 
ant editor; FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate edi 
lor; WEST COAST: streuen raxmati editor: 
STAFF: GRETCHEN EDGREN senior editor; JAMES R. 
PETERSEN senior staff writer; BRUCE KLUGER, BAR- 
BARA NELLIS. KATE NOLAN associate editors; JOHN 
Lusk traffic coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
editor; CARTOONS: мкнилк urew editor; 
COPY: ARLENE ROURAS edilor; LAURIE ROGERS 
assistant editor; LEE BRAUER CAROLYN BROWNE 
RANDY IYNCH. BARI NASH. LYNN TRAVERS. MARY 
ZION. researchers, CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: 
ASA BABER, KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES, 
LAWRENCE GROBEL CYNTHIA HEIMEL. WILLIAM | 
HELMER, DAN JENKINS, WALTER LOWE. JR. D. KEITH 
MANO, REG POTTERTON. RON REAGAN, DAVID 
KENSIN. RICHARD RHODES, DAVID SHEFE DAVID 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) SUSAN 
MARGOLIS WINTER MILL ZEHME 


ART 

RERIG POPE managing directo) IET SUSKI. LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN associate 
director; JOSEPH YACZER. ERIC SHROPSHIRE assistant 
directory; DEBBIE KONG, REN OV ky junior directors, 
ANN кеп. senior keyline and paste-up artist; una. 
BENWAY, DANIEL REED ar? assistants; BARBARA ROFF- 
MAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEN, JAMES LARSON. 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associale editors: PATTY 
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior 
staff photographer; ккккү MoRKIS staff photog- 
rapher; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY ARNY 
FREYTAG, RICHARD (ZL DAVID MECEY, BYRON 
NEWNAN. STEPHEN wayna contributing: phologya- 
hers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color 
lab supervisor; JOHN GOSS business manager 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; 
RITA JOHNSON assistant manager; EL 
NER. JODY JURGETO. RICHARD QUAI 


READER SERVICE, 


CYNTHIA LACEYSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM, 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


CIRCULATION 


RICHARD SMITH director, BARBARA GUTMAN associ 
ate director 


ADVERTISING 
MICHAEL. c CARR advertising divedor; ZOE SQUILLA 
midwest manager; JAMES | ARCHAMBAULT JR.. new 
york manager; ROBERT TRAMONDO Category man 
‘ager; кїз TEASLEY direct response 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
онх a scorr president, publishing group; 
EILEEN KENT contracts administrator; MARCIA TER 
urhis ES permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


THE “NEW” JESSICA, PROS AND CONS 

Since receiving the September Playboy 
in my mailbox, I haven't been able to get 
Jessica Hahn ( Jessica, a New Life) out of 
my mind. The “new” Jessica is beyond 
beautiful, beyond average, beyond the or- 
dinary .. . beyond comprehension. 

I want to commend Richard Fegley for 
his excellent camerawork. Jessica's perfect 
breasts, of course, caught my attention. but 
the photo that first reached out to me is the 
one on page 120. Her face appears almost 
three-dimensional, literally leaping off the 
page and into the number-one spot on my 
beautiful-woman-appreciation li 

lòm Eyton-Jon 
Benton, Louisiana 


As a neighbor in the early Fifties of a 
young man in Woodlawn named Hugh 
Hefner, I want to send an honest criticism 
to him: The gitls in his magazine used to 
be vibrant, sexy and real. But over the past 
few years, they have become as much alike 
as store mannequins, and just as se: 

Take the original photos of Jessica Hahn 
(Jessica, on Her Own Terms, Playboy, 
November 1987). In them, she looks like a 
real wom: е and exuding sex ap- 
peal. But the photos of her in the Septem- 
ber issue of Playboy show her as a sexles 
painted store-window dummy. And no 
doubt Miss September would be a very 
sexy lady shown the way she really is. But 
the way she is shown, she could be inter 
changed with Hahn 

Why? 

You know the answer to that. The paint- 
ed, touched-up photos of Hahn in the Sep- 
tember issue are not the real Jessica Hahn. 
No one would recognize her. The origin 
Jessica Hahn photos that you published 
are of an individual, down to earth and 
very sexy: Very sexy! 


Emil К. Slaughter 
Chicago, Hlinois 


Why doesn’t Jessica Hahn make up her 
mind? In her first pictorial, she wanted to 
show off the body God gave her. In her se 


ond pictorial, she’s displaying her body en- 
hanced by doctors, not by the God she 
knows so well. Her theology sounds a bit 
mixed up to me. 

Anne Harbourn 

West Caldwell, New Jersey 


Thanks for giving Jessica Hahn some- 
where to air her side of the story I was a 
аце disappointed to find out that she 


didn't tell the entire story (i.e. Gene Profe- 
ta), but I admire her courage. Is hard to 
believe that she still has her faith in God 
alter all she has been through. Her pictori 
al is the best I've ever seen in Playboy and, 
speaking as a woman, 1 think Jessica is 
beautiful both physically and spiritually 
Here's to Jes: 


Brandy Wolf 
Columbus 


сог 


You have destroyed the аша, the 
warmth, the spirit and the charm that were 
Jessica. The gentle flowing curls have been 
whipped into blow-dried layers. The cute 
pudgy nose has been surgically stream- 
ned, mimicking “Teutonic haughtiness. A 
slight separation between her front teeth, 
firtatious and childlike, has been 
clamped, brightened and capped. Those 
soft pouting breasts, naturally shaped and 


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fair-skinned, have been pumped, browned 
and molded into geometrically correct 
spheres of silicon. You have taken the jewel 
and sandbl r into expressionless 
tone, takei tive, caring girl and 
figured her into the typical centerfold 
clone. | suppose in your next issue, we'll 
hear that she dislikes Los Angeles traffic 
jams and enjoys yogurt. roller disco 
scoping out the hunks at Muscle Beach 

David Kirisits 

Derry, New Hampshire 


nd 


I've just finished watching the lovely Je 
sica Hahn on a talk show and J am e 
tremely impressed with both her beauty 
and her intelligence. She is also absolutely 
gorgeous in the September issue of your 
magazine. 

y ago, | felt, like many people, that 
she was a bimbo, However, her combina- 
tion of poise, brains and irresistible charm 
has seduced me. I now think of her а 
wonderfully courageous and impressive 
woman. If | ever have a daughter of my 
own, 1 will encourage her to use Jessica as a 
role model for strength and characier 

Allen Todd 

U.S S. Inchon LPH-I2 

FPO New York, New York 


GOLDWATER'S MEMOIRS 
Thank you for publishing Goldwater, by 
Barry М. Goldwater with Jack Casser 


your September issue. It should be read by 
every American to get the truth concern- 
ing the 1964 Presidential campaign, the 
Cuban Missile Crisis, the nam debacle, 
Watergate and the people involved in 
those 5 

I was the Republican candidate for gov- 
ernor of Texas in 1964, running ag; 
then-Democrat_ John Connal 
such, introduced Pres 1 candidate 
Barry Goldwater at rallies in Amarillo, 
Houston and Fort Worth. He would have 
made a tremendous President. He had 
guts and complete honesty, as il ted 
by his speech in Fort Worth to some 9000 
people (of whom many were LTV em- 
ployees) in which he told them that Boe 
ing, instead of LTV, had won a lucrative 
contract with the Defense Department be- 
cause it had made a better bid—and pro- 
ceeded to list the provisions that were 
bette 

A great guy and the most honest US. 
politician of this century. 


Jack Crichton 
Dallas, Texas 


Conservative readers of Playboy must 
have busted a gut when they read Barry 
Goldwater's opinions of Richard Nixon 


he most dishon- 
idual I have ever met in my life 

He thinks that Reagan's biggest mistake 

selling arms to Iran and that he knew 


n funds to the 
re call Goldwa- 


of the diversion of Irania 
Contras, Yet who would 
ter a liberal? 


Louis A. Carrubba 
Brooklyn, New York 


According to Senator Barry Goldwater, 
our recent Presidents have lacked guts, or 
have been deceiving, cheating, lying or, at 
best, incompetent. It seems they all have 
one thing in common; They have been 
foolish enough to ask for his political ad- 
vice. 


Andrew J. Serra 
Natick, Massachusetts 


ARAFAT INTERVIEW 

What struck me most about your Sep- 
tember interview with PLO. chairman 
Yasir Arafat was the spinelessness and ob- 
vious bias of interviewer Morgan Strong. I 
always thought that interviewers were sup- 
posed to ferret out the truth from the 
subjects with persistent and critical ques- 
tioning. Not Strong! Rarely does he inter- 
rupt Arafat's monolog of lies, half-truths 
and distortions. 

Where in the dialog was Arafat ques- 
tioned regarding the PLO. terrorization 
of Lebanon, where the PL.O. created a 
state within a state, or its repeated and un- 
yielding refusal to recognize the right of 
the Israelis to a piece of their ancestral 
homeland, which Arafat demands for his 


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own Palestinians? Where, among allega- 
tions and ions of a dreaded Jev 
lobby, does Strong ask about the Arabs 
own very powerful lobby? Where is men- 
tion of the PL.O.s origi 
now covert) goal of expellin 
(Jews) from their homeland? 

Thoughtful Playbo 


ask 


will 
themselves the questions I have posed. 


ders 


David Tobenkin 
Berkeley, California 


How timely can you get? Yesterday, (A) 
your September ith the 
Yasir Arafat interview and (B) King Hus- 
sein turned the Arab problem over to 
Arafat and the PL.O.! 

Thank you, Playboy and Morgan Strong, 
for lilting the “paper curtain of censor- 
ship” set up by our controlled press. 

Thank goodness you cant stop the truth 
with sticks, stones, bullets, bombs or tr: 
cans! 

Thank you, 
dom of the pi 
thinking and f 


Playbo' 


ngs. 
Donald A. Deane 
Orange, Mass 


Strongs excellent interview 
Aralat gives us an insightful 
view into the man and his mission. I must 
take issue with some с 
atements 


ay that the intifadah is a creation of 
D. is stretching the truth. While it 


the P. 


ng is due to exter 
ment and pressure, it is it g 
and spontaneous nature that makes it so 
significant. As Strong seeks to suggest, that 
rising from the frustrations of oppres- 


m, depending on your viewpoint). 
For better or worse, the present party in 
me Minister Yitzhak 
m Abu Sharif recently 


little value. It is peace with the Likud and 
Labor camps that, like the Camp David ac- 
cords signed by Men will 
prove the most 

As for 2 sions of LEHI and 
the Irgun, those groups are hardly repre- 
sentative of carly Zionist ideology, any 
more dl ont for the Liber 
ation of Palestine or other such hard-line 
Palestinian groups represent the Palestini 
an cause today. The same can һе said for 
both those Orthodox extremists who do 
not recognize the state of Israel and those 
who follow the racist ideologies of Meir 
Kahane's Kach party. 

Concerning Arafats description of the 
g, its design is based on the de- 
ign of a tallith, the Jewish р 


er shawl 


that has two blue bands on a white field. It 
has nothing to do wi 


h the Nile, the Eu- 
phrates or the Mississippi, for that matte: 
Despite my numerous disagreements 
with Arafat (and thi are many more 
than space allows), we both agree on a bas- 
ic principle: the legitimate rights of the 
Palestinians to their own nation-state. Not 
all of historical Palestine is available for 
such a state, but the West Bank and Gaza 
are, I believe, a reasonable compromise. 
Steven C. Dinero 
Boston, Massachusetts 


Thank you for Morgan Strong inter- 
view of Yasir Arafat. Irs а treat to see 
fat handled with some intelligence in- 
stead of the u 


Costa Mesa, Califor 
HEF'S ENGAGEMENT 
1t seems somehow sad—maybe сусп a 
liule disillusioning—to lose America’s 
l bachelor to marriage. Well, at 
for a good cause; she must be pret- 
ty special 
ongratulations, Hef and Kim, and may 
you have a happy and lasting marriage. 
Stanley Kong 
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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


А TOUGH АСТ TO SWALLOW 


When we caught up with Stevie Starr, he 
was tossing numbered coins down his 
throat like cocktail nuts. Surrounded by 30 
comedians in a hotel bar, Starr puffed out 
ns onto the 


his stomach and spit the c 
table in the numerical order the comics 
suggested. 

Starr, a pale 25-year-okl with the most 
impressive gullet ever hatched in Scotland 
was in Montreal last summer for the Just 
for Laughs festival, an 11-night extrava- 
ganza now in its sixth year. On the bill 
were 115 acts from ten countries; in the 
wings were reps from networks, night 
clubs, studios and top-notch talent agen- 
cies. But the buzz everywhere was about 
Ihe Regurgnator, who manages to put the 
thrills back into lowbrow comedy. After 
Starr's sold-out shows each night, the 
comics cornered him for an informal jam 
session. 

In the hotel bar, the gagster rolled a Ru- 
bik's Cube between his fingers, demon- 
strating that each side of the cube was a 
different color. He clenched it between his 
teeth, rolled back his eyes and then— 
shooop—gulped it down. Thirty seconds 
later, he pummeled his chest, spewed— 
pooosh—and up it came, its colors scram- 
bled. The comedians gawked, then they 
whistled and applauded. In three days, 
Starr would fly down to New York to ap- 
pear on Late Night with David Letlerman, a 
gig many of these stand-ups had already 
mastered. They tried to outdo one another 
in offering helpful strategies. 

“You could swallow Paul Shaffer and spit 
him out with a full head of hair,” suggested 
one. “Letterman would go for that.” 

“Atleast we'll find out if he chokes under 
pressure,” bellowed another 

The next night, Starr was cajoled into 
giving an impromptu barroom perform- 
ance for fest headliner Steve Allen, Starr 
dropped a pair of goldfish into a water 
glass and glugged them down. “Well let 
them swim about in me stomach a bit,” he 
showboated. 

Then he asked Allen how he wanted his 
fish—live or dead. "Filleted," Allen dead- 
panned, Starr launched one into the glass 
and, a minute later, hit the tablecloth with 


the second. Allen has seen some vaude- 
ville, but he told us as he exited, head shak- 
ing, “He's legit.” 

Starr told us that, as a waif in a Glasgow 
orphanage, he learned to bypass the bul- 
lies by guzzling his pocket change and re- 
gurgitating it when he reached his room. 
But to fellow perlormers, he claims that a 
tendency toward nausea in his boyhood 
taught him to master his stomach contrac- 
tions. Probably neither is completely true. 
At 17, he entered a talent show—one regur- 
gitator and 29 singers—and won, Since 
then, he has upchucked on cue for British 
TV and at West Coast clubs 

One trick that impressed us—"Dont sav 
tricks” pleads Starrs manager. "That 
implies magic'—involves swallowing a 
locked padlock and. seconds later, a key. А 
minute later, he spews the padlock, key in- 
serted and lock undone. He claims to un- 
lock the cylinder in his stomach, but his 
manager may have revealed the secret 
while discussing the egg stunt 

“Stevie breaks an egg, swallows the yolk, 
swallows the shell, swallows some butane 
gas. Then he brings up a hard-boiled egg 
Now, everybody knows he swallowed the 
hard-boiled egg before he went on stage: 


but people come up and say, ‘Was it the 
heat in your stomach that put the shell 
back on? 

Undoubtedly, some hocus-pocus is in- 
volved in Starr's act, but he does seem to 
have the stomach for it. He performed the 
light-bulb stunt for us from two feet away 
He popped the bulb in, threads facing out, 
then inhaled and, as near as we could tell, 
gulped it down. Shooovop. Slo-mo frame- 
by-frame replay of the same stunt on Late 
Night shows no sleight of tongue, just the 
bulb vanishing down his throat. Letter- 
man, eyebrows askew, blurted, “Whatever 
you're doing, you are one goofy mother.” 

Robert Morton, Late Night's producer, 
marvels, “He does have a genuine talent 
for swallowing things that you or I could 
not swallow." 

Witnesses. describe mirades of 
modern indigestion as Starr swallowing a 
mouthful of sugar and a glass of water, 
then spitting out dry suga 
down a live bumblebee, drinking water 
and burping up the bee, its flight skills in- 
tact 

Whether or not he's bamboozling spec- 
tators, Starr has found that promoters are 
willing to cough up cash for his novel tal- 


such 


r—or sucking 


eni—he has been signed to play Vegas and 
Reno and is wooed nonstop by comedy- 
club bigwigs. 

With more exposure coming up, Start 
insists he has staying power. “If you can 
swallow a light bulb and cough up money 
he says, “you can use your act anywhere. 
The world’s a great big place.” Even bigger, 
we imagine, than anything Stevie Starr has 
tried to swallow so far 


WOODSTOCK OPTIONS? 


This ad appeared in a summer issue of 
that renowned counterculture rag The 
Wall Street Journal: “rare riso: Original 
Woodstock tickets intact with stub and in 
each, in- 
ndling.” Wow 


mint condition. Fifty-five dollar 
cludes postage and I 


EVERY BODY INTO THE POOL! 


In Santa Ana, California, a motorist was 
fined $58 for driving in the car-pool lane 
of a freeway. He failed to convince the 


15 


16 


RAW 


he coffee is only 
for drinking, not for 
asting. It's not coffee, 
only black wa- 
ter."—Thierry Pon- 
chon, a French 
tourist, commenting 
on American coffee. 


DEBT FOR CREDIT 


verage debt owed 
by students graduat- 
ing from American 
colleges: $5470. 


Average debt owed 
by graduates of pri- 
уше schools, S6: 
of public 
$4970. 


schools, 


. $3 

Average debt owed 
by black American 
college graduates, 
$4600; by white, $5570. 


THE GOOD LIFE 


centage of Americans who vi 
having a reasonable amount of leisure 
пе as a basic right, 45; as a privilege, 


Percentage of Americans who would 
read if they had more time, 
who would watch television, 12: who 
would get organized, 12; who would 
eat, three; who would get a second job, 
three. 


PERSONAL FINANCE 


Percentage of Americans who keep a 
credit card because it i s statu 
five; because credit cards good in 
emergencies, 81; because credit cards 
are safer than cash, 44; because credit 
cards allow them to spread out their 
payments, 38; because they dont have 
the money for the purchase, 28; be- 
cause they get interest-free credit for a 
month, 20. 


. 
Percentage of Americans who bal- 
books once a month, 
50; once every other month, six; once a 
year, three; when time permits, nine. 


50; FACT OF THE MONTH 


The average Jap 
in the United States spends 
a day, which 
punt spent among foreign 
tourists in America. 


DATA 


Percentage of 
Americ who never 
balance their check- 
books, 23. 


TSK, MR. 

POSTMAN 
Number of letters 
per year that end up 


one of the seven 
dead-letter offices of 


the Postal Service: 
89,000,000. 
E 


Number of m; 
hours the Postal S 
ice spends per yea 
trying to deliver 
dead mail: 300.000. 
Amount of money it 
spends: $6,000,000. 
the highest . 

Annual amount the 
Postal Service raises 
by auctioning off 
bles and from cash found in unde- 
liverable letters: $1,700,000. 


FIXERS 


Number of mechanics employed per 
aircraft by Pan American Airlines, 
28.2; by United Airlines, 21.2; by East- 
ern, 16.9; by American, 15.6; by Conti- 


nental, 13; by Piedmont, 
. 


Percentage of operating costs spent 
on maintenance by Pan American Air- 
es, 4.6 ($3,299,013,000); by United 
Airlines, six ($7711,577440); by E: 
ern, 78 ($4,170,310,098); by А 
six ($6,651,297,000); by 
($3,993,299,000); by 
($1,790,461,608). 


WHITE-LINE FEVER 


Number of miles Americans drove 
їп 1970, 1,120,328,000,000: in 1987, 
1,908,885,000,000 (an increase of 70.4 
percent), Over the same period, the 
percentage that ıhe United States’ pop- 
ulation increased: 18.9. 

. 

Average number of miles driven by 
each American in 1970, 5481; in 1987, 
7853. 


mese tourist 


judge that the four frozen corpses he had 
been transporting for a mortuary service 
qualified him as a car-pool member 


INSIDER'S TIP 


Did you ever wonder 
Douglas got those gr 


where Michael 
t horizontally 


striped cotton shirts he wore in Wall Street? 
According to The New Yor 
рига 


Times. you can 
hem from the same shirtmak 
om Shirts by Denhof for $230 to $4 
at Manhattan's Pec & Company The mini 
mum order is eight shirts. The good news: 
You can pick up a ready-made horizontally 
striped cotton shirt for $85 at Alan Flusser. 
also in Manhattan. 


Big Time Waits. 


Tom Waits has been selling records and 
selling out concert halls for a dozen or so 
years, but most recently, he has begun 
earning raves for his acting roles in movies 
such as Down by Law and fromweed, in 
which he held his own with Meryl Streep 
and Jack Nicholson. Now, in Big Time, 
Waits combines music, film, mime, vaude- 
ville, dreams and general manic raving to 
redefine concert movies, * action 
film,” he told us, “somewhere between 
Ben-Hur and Nosferatu, I has an infrared 
Mondo Kane Skeletor mood to it and I be- 
lieve из м the women of today want.” 

He should know. In fact, after seeing 
himself on the big screen in Big Time, 
Waits said, “I realize now why they were 
thinking of me as the only man capable of 
replacing James Bond.” 

Hell next be seen in Cold Feet, shot last 
summer in Montana and Arizona, based 
оп a story by Тот McGuanc and Jim Har- 
rison. “It’s about jealousy, greed and mur 
der" Waits explained. “Irs about. motor 
homes, spandex, .38 specials and Turkish 
figs. Robert Dornhelm directing, coming 
soon to a slaughterhouse near you." 

Jokes aside for about four seconds, Waits 
reported that he is now writing music for a 
project by avant-garde theater director 
Robert Wilson tentatively titled The Black 
Rider—‘Ies some type of cowboy opera.” 
And, he added, “I'm busy sky diving, skin- 
diving, ice sculpting, auto racing, working 
оп my hi-fi and organizing an all-midget 
orchestra." 


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CHARLES M. YOUNG 


SINCE THE LATE Sixties, every Beach Boys al- 
bum has been preceded by about four 
months of hype alleging that they are 
finally sounding like the Beach Boys again. 
Except for a few brief moments, the hype 
was wrong. So it was with considerable ap- 
prehension that I approached Brian Wilson 
(Sire/Reprise), the first solo album by the 
Beach Boys leader and resident genius be- 
fore severe emotional problems crippled 
his creativity. 1 am pleased to report that 
my apprehension turned out to be ground- 
less. Anyone who loved the Beach Boys for 
the right reasons during Wilson's first 
flowering from 1962 to 1966 is going to 
love this record. ИЗ fun, its funny, the 
melodies are worthy of the gorgeous ar- 
rangements and you'll feel good just know- 
ing the mind can bounce back like this. 

Speaking of the Beach Boys, they are a 
band that was made for CD. If the vinyl is 
shot in your collection, be assured that one 
of the smartest uses for your CD budget is 
Made in U.S.A. (Capitol), which contains all 
the essential Beach Boys singles and only 
two lame cuts (both written by Mike Love 
and Terry Melcher) out of 25. It’s a collec- 
tion just a few bands can match for melodic 
quality and fun, and it's still great for get- 
ting baby boomers to dance. 


NELSON GEORGE 


Huey Lewis & the News are inheritors of 
an oft-maligned tradition in rock music: 
the singles band. Like Chicago, Creedence 
Clearwater Revival, Bread and several 
other aggregations, Lewis and company 
pump out hit singles, making records that 
sound best on a car radio at 75 miles per 
hour. Unfortunately for Small World 
(Chrysalis), this reviewer doesn't own a car 
and was forced to slip the cassette into his 
home stereo. 

First observation: None of Small World's 
ten songs has the bracing drive of Power of 
Love or that Reagan-era anthem Hip to Be 
Square. Give Me the Keys (and I'll Drive You 
Crazy) tries hard to be vibrant but comes 
off corny. Walking with the Kid, a flashy lit- 
tle song about a father's weekly stroll with 
his son, is saddled with overblown produc- 
tion (including backup shouts by four 
members of the San Francisco 49ers) that 
isn't merited by its slight lyric. More suc- 
cessful is the melodic and rhythmic Perfect 
World, the only song on the album com- 
posed by an outside writer. Small World is 
mediocre, but its ultimate test will come 
when these songs are released as singles 
and are forced to fight through the clutter 
of pop radi 

Kiara 


cans “to change and/or make a 
1 Swahili. [vis also the title of 
ig Detroit duo whose first album 


a promi 


A Beach Boy returns. 


New ones from Brian Wilson, 
Huey Lewis and Marti 
Jones, plus more tango! 


is To Change and/or Make a Difference (Aris- 
ta). Kiara is Gregory Charley and John 
Winston, who, along with Nick Martinelli, 
producer of most of the album, have creat- 
ed a slick R&B style that recalls vintage 
Spinners hits. The Best of Meand Same Old 
Story are smooth, soulful and, like the rest 
of the album, suggest that these young per- 
former-writers will be making good music 
for a long time. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Marti Jones's Used Guitars (A&M) is to 
1988 what John Hiatt's Bring the Family 
to 1987—a minor musical miracle from 
out of left field that seamlessly blends rock, 
pop, country and folk. Irresistibly buoy- 
ant, original melodies boast hooks that 
have to be surgically removed from your 
subconscious. (One listen to Tourist Town 
and you've had it.) The effect is reinforced 
by new husband/producer Don Dixon's 
tastefully understated arrangements and 
impeccable taste in cover tunes, including 
two gems by Hiatt. This is the record that 
you've been hoping for from Rosanne 
Cash or Bonnie Raitt. Flaws? At times 
Jones isn’t investing enough of herself into 
these gems, but I'm willing to accept her as 
world-weary but unbowed. 

In contrast, Montreal's Corey Hart in- 
vests everything he's got in Young Man 
Running (EMI/Manhattan) Like fellow 
Canadian Bryan Adams, Hart is often pi- 
geonholed as a pleasant kiddie rocker. But 
here, he really begins to speak from his 


deeper self. True, the arrangements and 
lyrics are sometimes awkward, the vocals 
overwrought. But Hart is letting it all pour 
from a place of such searing honesty that, 
when it works, the heartfelt intensity and 
haunting melodies are remarkably mov- 
ing—as if a young Sting had written 
Bruces Tunnel of Love. But, please, Corey, 
ask Bryan how to put some crunch into 
those rockers. 


DAVE MARSH 


The current generation of down-under 
rockers possesses ample quantities of 
career-sustaining and 
Crowded House, in fact, provide such an 
unmistakable Stones/Beatles polarity that 
its tempting to look for a Dylan to 
complete the picture. I don't mean to be so 


GUEST SHOT 


BASSIST WILL LEE, best known as a 
member of the Worlds Most Danger- 
ous Band on “Late Night with David 


Letterman,” has played with everyone 
from Cher, Cissy Houston, Mick Jag- 
ger and Chaka Khan to Miami 
Sound Machine, Bette Midler and Di- 
ana Ross. Another high-profile bassist, 
Rob Wasserman, recently cut an al- 
bum with assorted singers and instru- 
mentalists called “Duets.” Lee was hot 
10 take a listen. 

“This is an extraordinarily inti- 
mate record. You get such a close 
glimpse of the participants, as 
though they were making mt 
right next to you. Everyone's perform- 
ance hasan incredible amount of in- 
tegrity. The context of acoustic bass 
and vocal on Rickie Lee Jones's The 
Moon Is Made of Gold enables you to 
enter into the emotion of her sad, 
sweet voice. I possesses you. I love 
Wassermaris bowing technique on 
Angel Eyes, and Cheryl Bentyne 
from Manhattan Transfer improvis- 
es so fluidly. As for Lou Reed's 
singing One for My Baby (and One 
More for the Road)— doesn't get 
rawer than that, and Rob couldn't 
play much bett Ibums like Duets 
do something — important—they 
open the door a crack. for ‚other play- 
ers to take s. 


ENGLAN D 


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Now you can experience sur- Technics 
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it Thanks to the technology found in the Technics SA-R530 
AN receiver. A receiver so advanced, it can help you get 
more out of almost every piece of audio and video equip- 
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For example, just hook up four speakers, and your VCR 
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Digitally-processed Dolby surround sound, to be exact. 
Which means the SA-R530 can give movies something even 
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The sound of real life. 

You'll hear footsteps creeping up behind you, cars 
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to being there. 

And to enhance the music on your CD player, cassette 
deck and turntable, there's also a special feature that lets 
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Press a button and the SA-R530 can simulate the 
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was meant to be heard. 

E But even with sound this realistic — and a full 
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20kHz with 0.007% THD) — our A/V receiver won't 
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For your own free demonstration, just go to any 
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*Conpaible vdeo solvere required. “Dolby and the double-D syntol ze registered traders of Duby Laboratories Licensing Сироп 


IN 1876, GEORGE CUSTER HAD 
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OFWHAT SURROUND SOUND 
WOULD BE LIKE IN 1989. 


24 


FAST TRACKS 


Taro le le |a уса 


D.J. Jazzy Jeff & 
the Fresh Prince 
He's the DJ, I'm 


ERES B- B B A ma 
Siedah Garrett 

Kiss of life | a |: P = s 
Ge іа Satelli 

Susa A 
>a = М 

the News 

Small World = B [еј E (Sap 
Brian Wilson 1 B- | B | B [L СЕЙ A= 


KICK OUT THE JAMS, IRVING, DEPARTMENT: 
pretty sure you missed (his Irving 
Berlin birthday tribute last summer. 
The Ramones were playing at an am- 
phitheater across the street from the 
Hollywood Bowl tribute to Berlin. The 
Ramones’ promoter received a com- 
plaint that / Want to Be Sedated was 
drowning out Alexanders Ragtime 
Band. Said Joey Ramone, “It was our way 
of saying, ‘Happy birthday, Irving? " 

REELING AND ROCKING: Ally Sheedy has 
optioned the film rights to Pamela Des 
Barres’ memoirs, I'm with (he Band, with 
a starring role for herself. . . . The Pet 
Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield will 
record the theme for the movie Scan- 
dals, starring Bridget Fonda (Peters 
daughter), Jo Anne Worley and John 
Heard. . . . Roger Daltrey co-stars in а new 
film production of The Threepenny Op- 
era with Raul Julia, Anthony Hopkins and 
Julie Walters. . . . The unreleased Dylan 
movic, Hearts of Fire, may still get 
shown in theaters. If not, it will be in 
your video store soon. 

NEWSBREAKS: It seems weird but right 
that John Lennon will get his own star on 
the Hollywood Walk of Fame. So will 
little Richard and the Monkees. . . . The 
TV pilot for Morris Day's sitcom, Heart 
and Soul, did well enough in the ratings 
for six more episodes this winter. ... A 
Columbia University professor, Alen to- 
mox, 15 doing a study about how music 
affects the way people live. He received 
а $10,000 grant Irom the Grateful Dead 
to buy software to complete the re- 
search, which runs the gamut from 
grand opera to Pygmy yodeling. Other 
Dead news: The band is working on an 
album scheduled for release carly next 
year, and Jerry Garcia will produce Coun- 
try Joe McDonald's first album in four 
years. . .. It seems hard to believe, but 


We 


the Who's John Entwistle is having trou- 
Ыс getting a recording contract, 
though he has begun preparing for an 
album, anyway. . . . The Nylons are 
working on a new record with more 
original material, and they hope to 
break into the singles charts again as 
they did with Kiss Him Goodbye. . . 

Bono contributed a song to the upcom- 
ing Roy Orbison album, due after the 
first of the year. . . . The new prez 
of Motown plans to re-release early 
Motown records with the original art- 
work, and it’s official, Diana Ross has re- 
turned to the label after seven years on 
RCA. . . , Brian Wilson says he still has 
plans to release the famous Beach Boys 
album Smile, which has been in the 
works since 1966. Wilson won't call it a 
Beach Boys record, though. . . . The re- 
formed Stray Cats arc in the studio mak- 
ng à "pure rock-a-billy” album, with 
Dave Edmunds producing. . . . Just in 
case you were wondering what other 
fallout could come from Dirty Danc- 
ing—the movie, the music, the concert 
tour, the dance classes— well, here 
you guys: The resort where the exte: 
shots were filmed for the movie is cur- 
rently enjoying a 25-30 percent 
crease in business. Well, it beats 
Heartbreak Hotel! Mountain Lake Re- 
sort in Virginia is cashing in by hosting 
Dirty Dancing weekends that fcature a 
Patrick Swayze look-alike contest and 
mambo lessons. The resort has even 
been offered asa prize on Wheel of For- 
tune. Isn't showbiz great? . . . Finally, 
those who have followed music since, 
say, the Beatles or the Jackson 5 will love 
this quote. Clark Datchler of Johnny Hates 
Jazz says, “Гуе written a song called Au- 
tumn Years. Ws about the fear of getting 
older. Fm 21 now” On that note, we'll 
quit. Happy holidays! —BARBARA NELLIS 


cruel as to nominate Paul Kelly for the 
role, but his second album with the Mes- 
sengers, Under the Sun (A&M), is audacious 
enough to soak up a bunch of ideas from 
Dylan, including ihe notion of an erotic 
blues waltz (Don't Stand So Close to the 
Window), and it's nervy enough to open 
one of its best songs (Desdemona) by quot- 
ing the introduction to Like a Rolling 
Stone, 
Kelly's g is on side two. To 
Her Door enters Raymond Carver territory 
in its account of a marriage troubled by 
poverty and alcoholism, but with a clarity 
and charity Carver has never achieved. 
Little Decisions is an account of the kind of 
bitter wisdom an alcoholic might find in 
recovery. And the final song, Bicentennial, 
is a hard-nosed and politically substantive 
account of the European settlement of 
а and its consequences. L 
, it's rendered with personal poigı 
ancy, regional detail and universal emo- 
tion. Whether this is up to the standard s 
by old heroes is beside the point. What it's 
about is the arrival of a new and important 
voice among rock writer-performers. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Early in this century, the tango was 
renowned as the most salacious of dances; 
then again, early in the 19th Century, so 
was the waltz. Listen to the re-creations on 
Auantic’s original-cast album of Tango Ar- 
gentino and you understand how melodr: 
ma could go 10 your gonads, but only in 
theory—this is the sexuality of another 
time as well as another place. I'm not going 
to tell you that Astor Piazzolla’s nuevo tan- 
go puts the pizzazz back in, but, for damn 
sure, he takes it into the present, drawing 

m Bartók and Ellington and a childhood 
on New York's Lower East Side to invent a 
tango that understands itself from an acs- 
thetic distance. Without him, Tango Ar 
gentino would have been Spanish to me. 

At 67, Piazzolla finds himself a belated 
cult hero in the US. His current releases 
include collaborations with vibraharpist 
y Burton on Atlantic Jazz (tango has al- 
ways had its genteel ambitions) and with 
classical conductor Lalo Schifrin on None 
such (and its gr 
g piano, vi 
own accordionlike ba 
Ibum on American Clavé, The Rough 
Dancer and the Cyclical Night. Music for a 
theater piece called Tango Apasionado, it i 
lustrates the genre's history much the way 
Tango Argentino does, with the added com 
mentary of Piazzolla’s characteristic disso- 
псев and mood swings. But believe him 
when he claims that the prize is Tango: Zero 
w rereleased on 
ser junkie, 
Tail, sustained. invention. 
overall shape of this musi 
the CD f "s not enough to listen to 
half of storic pop transformed. 


ic de 
nd satisfying: 
were made for 


This is 
into contemporary chamber music—with 
plenty of gonads. 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


WORKING FROM his own shrewd screenplay 
co-scripted with protean humo 
Playboy cartoonist) Shel Silverst 
Mamet takes the Mafia for a joy ride in 
Things Change (Columbia), his second shot 
as a movie director. It is also filmdom’s sec- 
ond pot shot at the Cosa Nostra this year, 
with Married to the Mob an established hit. 
While he persists in the mannered style of 
his first film, House of Games, Mamet has it 
together here in a richly funny, satisfying 
spoof of Mob morality. Joe Mantegna co- 
stars with Don Ameche in an odd-couple 
partnership several cuts above your stand- 
ard buddy film. Ameche is a shoe repair- 
man who happens to resemble a wanted 
hit man and agrees to face the look-alike 
fugitives murder rap for a large cash pay- 
off. Mantegna’s the gangs bottom-rung 
gofer whos assigned to keep Ameche 
amused until it's time to give himself up. 
On impulse, he takes the hired patsy to 
Lake Tahoe and passes him oll as a myste- 
tious Mafia capo on the very eve of an im- 
portant conclave of godfathers presided 
over by superdon Robert Prosky Mere 
mischief about mistaken identity soon 
snowballs into a pitch-black comedy of er- 
tors. While Things Change has some weird 
time warps—a drive from ‘Tahoe to Chi- 
cago seems to be an easy overnight trip— 
Mamet is forgiven, because his gifts as an 
entertainer strikingly outweigh his draw- 
backs as a travel guide. УУУ 
. 


Dramatically changing her image for 
the title role of Madame Sousatzka (Uni- 
versal/Cineplex Odeon), Shirley MacLaine 
says goodbye to leggy glamor and eternal 
gaminehood to portray an eccentric, auto- 
cratic old piano teacher in London. With 
her hair dyed red right down to its Russian 
roots, Madame is a dragon lady on an end- 
less quest for excellence. Her prize pupil at 
the moment is an East Indian lad (Na 
Chowdhry) whose mind occasionally wan- 
ders from arpeggios to other things: life it- 
self or the would-be pop singer (Twiggy) in 
the flat upstairs. Director John Schlesinger 
waxes lyrical without losing the pungency 
of a crisply literate screenplay by Ruth 
Prawer Jhabvala (an Oscar winner for A 
Room with a View). The sound wack, of 
course, pulsates with piano Classics from 
Chopin to Schubert, but its a scintillating 
star turn by MacLaine that keeps Madame 
Sousatzha upbeat and in tunc. УУУ 
. 

Gene Hackman brings his earthy inten- 
sity to Bat 21 (Tri-Star), a real-life saga 
about the rescue of Lieutenant Colonel 
Iccal Hambleton, a 53-year-old US. pilot 
shot down in the Vietnam jungle behind 
enemy lines. Hackman as Hambleton (the 
title refers to his code name) plays a man 
privy to such top-secret intelligence that 


Ameche, Mantegna vs. the Mob. 


Mamet mocks the Mafia, 
MacLaine pounds the keyboard 
and Russell strikes again. 


the Air Force can't risk his being captured 
and has to get him out hefore a massive 
American scorched-earth offensive wastes 
every living thing for miles around. Danny 
Glover, as a chopper pilot nicknamed Bird 
Dog, tracks the marooned officer's where- 
abouts by air-to-ground radio, and the two 
actors establish an amazingly urgent and 
credible relationship without having a sin- 
gle scene together until the films fiery 
finale. Based on William C. Anderson's 
book about Hambleton, who served as con- 
sultant on the film, and directed by Peter 
Markle, the movie has real impact— 
heightened by Hackman's performance 
as a career soldier experiencing the hor- 
rors of war firsthand for the first time. As 
part of his ordeal, he witnesses the grisly 
death of an American pilot (a standout 
performance by David Marshall Grant) in 
а watery killing ficld—one moment of 
truth graphic enough to transform any 
leathery fighting man into something like 
a peacenik. YYY 


. 

Three fresh and appealing young ac- 
tresses make Mystic Pizza (Samuel Gold- 
wyn) a treat, despite a screenplay that 
smacks of TV-sit 
Taylor, Annabeth 
(Eric's lovely look-alike sister) are the trio 
of chums whose camaraderie and earnest 
yearning lend this romantic comedy some 
moments of giddy, girlish magic. All play 
waitresses in a Mystic, Connecticut, pizza 
parlor, where they regroup after foray 
to the real adult world beyond. The real 


world, in this case, means men. Gish and 
Roberts are sisters, the former involved 
with the handsome architect (William R. 
Moses) for whom she has been baby-sitting, 
the latter in the fast lane with a Yale 
dropout (Adam Storke) from the better 
side of town. Taylor, a plucky gamine, is a 
girl who'd rather sleep with her fisherman 
beau (Vincent Phillip D'Onofrio) than 
marry him. With four writers contribut- 
ing—sometimes a clue to creative con- 
fusion—fledgling director Donald Petrie 
still manages to give Mystic Pizza sub- 
stance as a rueful, spirited study of young 
people with hot pants and high hopes. УУУ 
. 


So outrageously bad its good, The Lair of 
the White Worm (Vestron) is yet another 
Ken Russell candidate for the cult circuit, 
made in hiscustomary high-camp manner. 
This one, frivolously adapted from a novel 
by Bram Stoker (of Dracula fame), has to 
do with a snaky mythological demon 
mucking up an English country weekend. 
Hugh Grant plays the proper young lord 
of the manor, with Catherine Oxenberg as 
a sacrificial virgin who, at worst, looks as if 
she were being sacrificed in the lingerie 
section of а Sears catalog. All the real fun 
of the piece is left to Amanda Donohoe, 
playing a titled witch-bitch who sprouts 
fangs from time to time. “Do you have chil- 
dren?” milord inquires. Lickerishly lip 
licking, Donohoe purrs in reply, “Only 
when there are no men around.” Get the 
picture? Pure culture schlock. ¥¥ 

. 

Several funnymen go dead-serious, al- 
lowing only a smidgen of comic relief, in 
Memories of Me (MGM/UA), directed 
by Henry "The Fonz" Winkler from a 
schmaltzy screenplay co-authored (and co- 
produced) by Billy Crystal. Crystal is also 
cast as a New York cardiac surgeon just re- 
covering from a heart attack and yearning 
to make peace with his old dad (Alan 
King), who's a perennial Hollywood extra 
and premium ham. Pop's about to call it 
curtains because of an inoperable brain 
tumor, so he makes up a list of “all the 
gs I never had a chance to do." JoBeth 
Williams plays the patient pediatrician 
who gives the young doctor sex and sym- 
pathy while we wallow through the list 
King and Crystal handle themselves well 
enough to shore up any formula TV tear- 
jerker, but wouldn't they rather leave an 
audience laughing than leave ‘em wonder- 
ing why? These guys must have forgotten a 
wise old actor's admonition that dying is 
easy, comedy is hard. ¥ 

. 

Exhaustive as well as exhausting—at 
more than four and a half hours from be- 
ginning to end—Hotel Terminus: The Life and 
Times of Klous Barbie (Samuel Goldwyn) un- 
earths some awful truths. A convicted Nazi 
war criminal once known as the Butcher of 


25 


PLAYBOY 


Lyon, Barbie himself scarcely appears un- 
til the postintermission half of this blist 
ingly brilliant documentary by French 
director Marcel Ophuls. As in The Sorrow 


Is Morgen Freeman the greatest 
American actor? That question was 
posed by a rapturous critic after 
Freeman almost grabbed an Oscar 

r's Street Smart. We put 
on to the man himself. 


it’s false 


n hasn't much to be mod- 
est about nowadays. He wowed 
Broadway in the musical The Gospel 
at Colonus and won his third Obie 
award (off-Broadway’s Oscar) in 
1987 for Driving Miss Daisy as the 
black chauffeur of a Jewish dow- 
ager. In the forthcoming Lean on 
Me, he stars as Joe Clark, the con- 
troversial New Jersey high school 
principal who keeps order with a 
baseball bat and a bullhorn. “The 
bat is mostly publicity, a symbol," 
notes Freeman. “Clark is wonderful 
and nota violent person. If my own 
children were in a school like that 
one, I'd pray for someone like him to 
come along.” The youngest of Frec- 
maris four children is IZ “The rest 
© out of school, doing their own 
thing, or not doin’ it.” 

Freeman, who's 50ish, yearned to 
bea pilot as a boy in Mississippi and 
joined the Air Force before he 
switched to sea thri 
wings now. 
based mariner, he spends his free 

me aboard a 38-foot ketch, So- 
journer, named for the great anti- 
sli 


m. 
voyage from West АЕ 
after the upcoming n 
Driving Miss Daisy 
hopes to re-create his off-Broa 
role. “I Га commit a cr 
do that part on film, but so f 


and the Pity, his definitive essay on 
wartime anti-Semitism in France, Ophuls’ 
method is to interview surviving victims, 
average citizens, collaborators, veterans 
and retired secret agents—thus drawing 
up an indictment of postwar political ex- 
pedicncy that reaches from Berlin to Bo- 
livia and the U.S.A. Although Barbie had 
sent thousands of Jews and non-Jews to 
their deaths, U.S. Army Intelligence em- 
ployed 'urope for nearly 30 years, 
then connived with a Vatican pipeline to 
expedite his escape to Bolivia. Once there, 
he took up dealing in drugs, illegal arms 
and terrorism until he was returned to 
France for trial. Hotel Terminus mitigates a 
grim subject with some moments of gal- 
lows humor. It’s less funny when a former 
US. secret agent weighs Barbies useful- 
ness against his heinous misdeeds and con- 
cludes, “The world is shot through with 
moral ambiguities.” The people who really 
need to learn what Hotel Terminus tells us 
are the people least likely to see it. ¥¥¥ 
. 
Women and squeamish folk of cither sex 
re likely to have a hard time tolerating 
David Cronenberg's Deed Ringers (Fox), 
based on the novel Twins, by Bari Wood 
nd Jack Geasland. The book, in turn, was 
inspired by the tragic true case of two suc- 
cessful New York doctors, identical twi 
brothers, who died together in squalor. 
Both brothers are playcd flamboyantly by 
Jeremy Irons, the British matinee idol, who 
manages, with а little help from Crone 
berg, to look unnervingly like a young 
Boris Karloff. Genevieve Bujold plays it 
somber as a famous actress who has three 
cervices (something to do with a “tifur- 
cate uterus," a Cronenberg invention) and 
even deeper concerns about which brother 
has been in bed with her. (Both, but not 
simultaneously, except in a dream se- 
quence.) The main virtue of the film is 
ronenberg s dazzling cinematic style—all 
veinous blue-gray and pallid flesh tones, 
plus surgical scenes with doctors and nurs- 
es decked out in blood red. An eyeful if 
you have the stomach for it. УУУ 
. 

Car theft, assaulting police officers and 
arson are among the charges lodged 
against two fugitive young Iowa farmers in 
Miles from Home (Cinecom). Disposs 
they set fire to their family homestead and 
take off to become overnight celebriti 
the corn belt. Gary Si 
Steppenwolf Theatre Comp: 
first film venture, and some 


cur 
elder brother, Richard Gere erupts at reg- 
ular intervals with a kind of emotional ii 
tensity that seems to be more illustrated 
than deeply felt. As his kid brother, Kevin 
Anderson fares better, but his straightfor- 
ward performance can't quite alter the im- 
pression that what we have he fied 
company straining to breathe life into a 
sull. ¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Hackman in 

wu 
ed only) It’s a Soviet tank 
in Afghanistan. Well-made hot-war 
drama, with Steven Bauer and Jason 
Patric as enemies under truce. wwe 
Bird (Reviewed 11/88) Clint Eastwood's 
homage to a classic jazzman. Wt 
Crossing Deloncey (11/88) Mating games 
on the Lower East Side. wm 
Deod Ringers (See review) Malpractice 
with double-whammy side effects. WA 
The Deceivers (11/88) A cult of Indian 
killers done in by Brosnan. БЫ 
For North (Listed 11/88) Ru: dull 
family drama, with Jessica Lange. Y 
Gorillas in the Mist (11/88) Sigourney 
goes ape with a vengeance. wy 
Hotel Terminus: The Life and Times of Klous 
Borbie (Sce review) Documenting a top 
Nazi's political bedfellows. WA 
Imagine: John Lennon (11/88) The way he 
was, fondly remembered. wy 
The lair of tho White Worm (See review) 
Ken Russell's latest rampage. Y 
The Lost Temptation of Christ (Listed 11/ 
88) Street people for Jesus in Scorsese's 
controversial epic. w 
Modome Sousatzka (Scc review) Mac 
Laine tickling the ivorics. vw 
Married ro the Mob (10/38) As а M 
widow, Michelle Pfeiffer's fine. УУУУ 
Memories of Me (Sec review) Short of 
laughs and fairly forgettable. Y 
Midnight Run (10/88) De Niro and Gro- 


Bet 21 (Sce review) 


din make the trip delightful. уҹ 
Miles from Home (Scc review) Heavy 
slogging for Anderson and Gere. Y 


Moon over Parador (10/88) Political ham 
on wry, with Richard Dreyfuss. ¥¥¥ 
Mystic Pizzo (Scc review) Sweet slice of 
life for three nice girls wy 
Out Cold (11/88) Meaty black comedy 


about a dead butcher's wife. wy 
Potty Hearst (10/88) Kidnaped and 
then. .. . Here's her side of it WA 


The Prince of Pennsylvania (Listed only) 
As coal miner's son, Keanu Reeves revs 
up a flip, feisty family drama, WA 
Punchline (11/88) Hanks on a high. ¥¥¥ 
Running on Empty (10/88) Family life of 
Sixties fugitives—with a stunning per- 
ww 
Things Change (See review) More fun 
with the Mafia, by David Mamet. ЖҰТА. 
Tucker (9/88) Jeff Bridges in Coppola's 
super ode to an ашо pioneer. ¥W¥¥ 
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Listed 10/88) 
"Toons, tough guys gr e 

Without a Clue (11/88) C; 
take а sly poke at Holmes. 


Kingsley 
узу» 


YYYYY Ош 
YYYY Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


ading 
YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


HAMILTON CLASSIC EDITIONS 
ANNOUNCES A LIMITED EDITION RE-CREATION OF 


THE CABOT 


iginally created by Hamilton in 1935, the 

Cabot captures all the dash and glamour of 
that romantic pre-war era. Its clear, bold lines are 
undeniably classic. 

The original Cabot is in great demand by 
collectors, but finding one is a nearly impossible 
task. That's why Hamilton is offering you the 
opportunity to acquire an exquisitely crafted 
reproduction in a strictly limited edition. Only 
4,100 will be made. 


HAMILTON EXCLUSIVE 


Each Cabot is painstakingly hand-assembled 
in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, in the same way 
as the originals. The Hamilton Cabot is an 
accurate design replica of the original 1935 
model. (We have fitted the Cabot with a jew- 
eled Swiss quartz movement—more accurate 
and dependable than the original). 


PERSONALLY ENGRAVED 


When a person purchased a new watch in 
America's unhurried past, it was the custom 
for the jeweler to engrave the buyer's initials on 
the case-back. Hamilton is pleased to continue 
this tradition today by engraving three initials 
of your choice, prior to final assembly. The 
Hamilton crest and your personal registration 
number will also be engraved on the case-back. 
The case is elegantly curved for style and 
comfort, and the bezel is richly finished with 
5 microns of 18-Kt gold. The back is satiny, stain- 
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polished gilt-leaf hands. 
А separate second dial 
is at 6 o'clock. 


Engraved with up to 3 initials 
lus registration number. 


M Pantina Wate Cis Lancet. IS Mami Cinco (MIU) 


Each timepiece is accompanied by a Certilicate of 
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offered at just $295* each, payable in convenient. 
monthly installments. 


THE HAMILTON GUARANTEE. 


An American tradition since 1892, Hamilton has 
set the standard lor design and technical excellence. 


And while foreign competition grows, styles change 
and traditions die, our standards have never varied. 
Itis with great pride that we offer you the Cabot. If 
for any reason you're not delighted with your 
watch, you may return it within 30 days in the con- 
dition in which it was received for a full refund. 
Every Hamilton Collectors Classic offered in the 
past has been a sell-out, Therefore, we urge you to 
reserve your Cabot without delay. In the event that 
the Cabot sells out prior to the time we receive 
your order, we will notify you immediately and 
promptly issue you a refund. Because orders are 
filled on a first come first served basis. for fastest 
service call 1-800-367-4534 extension 8275. (In CT, 
AK or HI call 1-203-855-8717), Call Mon-I 30 
am-10 pm, Sat 9 am-5 pm eastern time. Or, return 
the coupon below. Orders processed immediately. 
Shipment in 3-5 weeks. 


CEKTIRED AUTHENTIC 
‘Shown actual s 


47 Richards Avenue 
Norwalk, Conn. 06857 


For Fastest Service Call Toll Free: 1-800-367-4534. 
In CT. AK, HI call (203) 855-8717 


Please send me — — — Hamilton Cabot watch(es). 
Initials to beengraved on back 
Name = 
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un 


City/State/Zip. 


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re] 


oa 

Charge each of 6 equal monthly $49.75 installments tomy credit card: 
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"Connecticut residents ar 71% sales tax 


27 


28 


TELEVISION 


By ANNE BEATTS 


WANT TO KNOw what the new fall TV shows 
are like? I can tell you. "Cause I saw them. 
Practically all of them. 

In order to do that, I had to abandon my 
favorite program, the dial-switching show. 
You know, it’s the one where you just lie 
back on the bed and flick the remote, stop- 
ping for a few minutes on whatever strikes 
your fancy—the shopping channel inter- 
spersed with Bewitched and Live from the 
Crystal Cathedral. You can pause on PBS to 
soak up a few seconds of culture and check 
out the Japanese channel for kung-fu ac- 
tion before settling down for the last ten 
minutes of an old Route 66. 

“The dial-switching show is the best show 
on TV because it's always different. It's 
edectic, involving and viewer interactive. 
And with the right sound track, you can 
have the experience of making а video and 
watching it at the same time. 

Instead, at enormous personal sacrifice, 
I watched everything new that CBS, NBC 
and ABC have to offer. I watched all of 
these shows all the way through, never 
deserting my post except when I absolutely 
had to go to the kitchen for some micro- 
wave popcorn. I watched them so that you 
don't have to. 

Even though my journalistic ethics kept 
me glued to the set, I found that there 
came a point in each show where the 
fingers reflexively reached for the remote. 
I've rated them on that basis, with 24 being 
the highest score for a half-hour show and 
48 for an hour, allowing for commercial 
breaks. That way, you'll know which ones 
to stay with, and for how long. 

So which shows will stick around and 
which ones will be gone before all the 
leaves are off the trees? What do | know? I 
wouldn't have canceled Star Trek. But, sure 
as God made summer sequels, they'll be 
back. Somewhere, sometime, on some sta- 
tion. Because nothing on TV ever goes 
away for good. That's the beauty of it. All 
you have to do is keep watching. 


MONDAY 


Coming of Age. 8:30—nine вм. (Eastern 
and Pacific time throughout), CBS. (3) 

This one has demographics written all 
over it. Paul Dooley and Phyllis Newman, a 
lovable yet feisty retired couple who live in 
a golden-age community, have Alan Young 
and an almostunrecognizable Glynis 
Johns as their wacky yet lovable next-door 
neighbors. The Mertzes they arent, 
though Johns, who doesn't yet have her 
own chain of fish restaurants, deserves an 
annuity as much as Arthur Treacher. The 
episode I saw started with a quote from 
Diderot, no less, but who are they kidding? 

Murphy Brown. Nine—9:30 em., CBS. (24 
with a bullet) 

Candice Bergen is an investigative re- 


| 


| 


All's Fare: The scoop on prime time. 


Is the new season better 
late than never? Our critic 
takes the tedium out of the medium. 


porter who has just checked out of Betty 
Ford and back into a 60 Minutes style TV 
show. To keep from smoking, she chews 
number-two pencils (and a lot of the 
scenery), Please, God, let her go on doing it 
all season. The way Bergen plays Brown, 
she could eat Holly Hunter for breakfast. 
The script is smart, too, punctuated with 
snappy throwaways, such as “She thinks 
Camus is a soap!” 

Almost Grown. Ten-11 em., CBS. (42) 

A few minutes into the show, and sud- 
denly, we're in a deep Fifties flashback in— 
where else?—New Jersey, the Fifties state. 
А sleazy greaser whose last name ends in а 
vowel woos the perky blonde for whom our 
hero's buttondown heart beats faster. Peg- 
ку Sue Got Married, 1 thought. Back to the 
Future, | thought, When they turned on 
the car radio 10 the Cuban Missile Crisi 
was ready to tune out. I was wrong. The 
first episode shifts gears rapidly through 
the decades, following one couple to the 
present, when, of course, they've split up. 
ixties and the Seven- 
ugh to hold my attention, 
and the more I found out about these peo- 
ple, the morc I wanted to know. 


TUESDAY 
TV 101. Eight-nine rn., CBS. (48) 
1 once did a show about high school stu- 


dents for this network. It was called Square 
Pegs. When I asked the network executive 
if we could show one of the kids smoking 
dope, he said, “Only if they're hanged, 
drawn and quartered by the end of the 


episode.” Well, at the end of the TV IOI pi- 
lot, one of the two young dopers does get 
killed in a car crash. But the other one lives 
and learns to just say no. This may be one 
small step for the average viewer, but 
giant step for network executives. Besides, 
its a preuy good show. The kids do a video 
newspaper, we get to see it and it looks a lot 
the way you'd think a high school video 
newspaper would look. Somehow, a little 
reality has sneaked into televisionland— 
and that's a lot rarer than drug references. 
Roseanne. 8:30-nine rm., ABC. (4.5) 
Buck Henry, who wrote the screenplay 
for The Graduate, once. it was the story 
of a Jewish boy with WASP parents. This is 
a sitcom about fat people with thin chil- 
dren. How did they get them? Maybe they 
stole them from a rich neighborhood, like 
those couples in the National Enquirer who 
kidnap Yuppic children and make them 
live in mobile homes. Watching the pilot 
from this perspective makes it a whole lot 
more interesting and suspenseful, since 
the police could burst through the door at 
any time and puta stop to the proceedings. 
And you often wish they would. 
Midnight Caller. “Ten—11 em., NBC. (8) 
So many people on TV seem to be detec- 
tives. I don't know about you, but I don’t 
use detectives much in regular life. 1 
mean, if I have to call somebody, it's more 
likely to be the Maytag repairman, But, on 
ТМ the repairman would Бе a detective— 
or I would be. One of us would have to 
be, or there'd be no show. This pilot is an 
answer to the question “How do you get 
a radio-talk-show host who solves crimes?" 


WEDNESDAY 


The Van Dyke Show. Eight 
CBS. (2) 

This show stars Dick and his son, Barry. 
The press release describes it as “dealing 
with a show-business father/son relation- 
ship” and “their ups, their downs in work- 
ing together. all anybody would say 
able at 
me. Evidently, it went through a few 
nd downs of 


0 рм, 


The Mary Tyler Moore Show. 8:30-nine 
ьм. CBS. (0) 

If only this were Mary Tyler Moore: The 
Lost Episodes, Maybe the only way to make 
Mary viable on TV again is to have her 
come back as a vampire 

Baby Boom. 9:30—ten pu, NBC. (4) 

Diane Keaton is a diz. Kate Jackson 
isn't. This is a woman who solved crimes in 
a bikini, for heaven's sake. Kate as the little 
drummer girl just might have resolved the 
Middle East crisis. So how come she cant 
handle one little baby? 

Tattingers. ёп—11 rm, NBC. (15) 

Stephen Collins is Nick ‘Tattinger, a 


FIND GOLD TONIGHT. 


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restaurateur who solves crimes, What else 
would he do with his time? After all, it's an 
hour show Blythe Danner plays 
wife, a gentecl Southern belle surrounded 
by unruly children. At the end of the pilot, 
Nick ex-wife makes him promise that 
there will be “no more fights with guns.” 
Clearly, she doesn't know a thing about TV, 


is ex- 


THURSDAY 


Knightwatch. Eight-nine em., ABC. (4) 

An ethnically balanced gang of street 
kids with capped teeth, plus one fat guy, 
get together to . . . what? All together now, 
class: Solve crimes! But this show is not 
about the Guardian Angels, OK? Their 
uniforms are different, for one thing. At 
one point, the tough but sensitive young 
black guy gets onto his motorcycle and 
rides to Malibu, to a Sting song, Then, ob- 
viously feeling better, he runs into a bur 
ing building to save a golden-haired child 
I'm not making this up, but someone is. 
Whoever it is, Tm impressed—and епу 
ous. What I wouldn't give to be that inno- 
cent again. 

Paradise. Nine-ten em., CBS. (40) 

This hero, Lee Horsley in designer stub- 
ble, solves crimes, but he isn't a detective. 
He's a gunslinger. Yep, the TV Western is 
back, and I, for one, am mighty glad to see 
it. Its sorta reassuring to see people shoot- 
ing one another with six-guns instead of 
Uzis. Kinda takes you back to a safer, 
fricndlicr time, the time that Pepperidge 
Farm remembers. 

Dear John. 9:30-ten rm, NBC. (—1) 

I dort know, maybe it's chemical or 
something, but I just can’t watch Judd 
Hirsch anymore, even if they made him а 
vampire. By the way, Judd, it's nothing per- 
sonal. I got that way with Jack Klugmai 
too. Force me to watch Quincy, M.E. and 
I'll tell you anything you want to know— 
troop movements, anything, Just make it 
stop. 


SATURDAY 


Murphy’ Law. Eight-nine вм, ABC. (4) 

George Segal stars as Daedalus Murphy, 
an unconventional insurance investigator 
who solves crimes with the help of his 
roommate, Kimiko, a beautiful and feisty 
Eurasian model who—OK, you caught me 
quoting from the press release. George 
Segal looks tired. Maggie (The Last Emper- 
or) Han sounds dubbed. It isn't even Chi- 
natown, Jake. It's Vancouver. 

Dirty Dancing. Fight-8:30 rn., CBS. (2) 

Unavailable at presstime. According to 
the press release, "the series explores the 
relationships among four principal chara 
ters— Johnny Castle, the hotel's street-wise 
and sexy young dance instructor; Frances 
‘Baby’ Kellerman, the innocent and ideal- 
istic girl who is irresistibly drawn to him; 
Penny Moreno, Johnny’s tough and sensual 
Latin dance partner; and Max Kellerman, 
the divorced owner of the resort and 


Baby’s protective father.” A se which 
everybody needs two adjectives to describe 
п ought to be riveting and compelling 

Raising Miranda. 8:30-nine em, CBS. 
(3) 

At first, 1 thought this was kind of a 
white Cosby, or a beige Family Ties, or may- 
be a greige Growing Pains, Then, right in 
the middle of the show, the cute, ditzy mom 
leaves, possibly to join Valerie Harper. 
Everyone's in shock, even the wacky neigh 
bors. Clearly, she’s not coming back. Mom 
leaves her daughter a note saying, “Your 
dad loves you, and I think that you two 
should be together.” So, it sec did the 
network executives, who evidently will go 
10 any length to break up the nuclear fami- 
ly for the sake of better demographics. 
The censors aren't so sure. In the final 
scene, Dad consoles his pubescent daugh- 
ter by kissing her—on the hand. 
pty Nest. 9:30-1en em., NBC. (2) 

Richard Mulligan stars as a lonely wid- 
ower with two daughters, Dinah Manoff as 
the Avetchy Jewish one who cant get laid 
and Kristy McNichol as the perky cop who 
does. In the pilot, people say revealing 
things, like “Speaking as a pediatrician 
whose wife died last year, may I have some 
more coffee?” Then there's the bathroom 
humor. First, the doctor tries to get the 
funny dog with the cute name to go in the 
yard. Then one of his patients swallows his 
mother’s ring and doc has to retrieve it. In 
scene three, the doctor's date is described 
as "the only 


ng, breathing human being 
in my life right now who doesn't drink 
from a toilet.” After that, I lost count. Is 
this a bid for the Geritol generation? 


SUNDAY 


A Fine Romance, Eight-nine rM, ABC. 
(96) 

1 liked this show so much, I watched it 
twice. The premise is a switch on His Gal 
Friday. Margaret Whitton, as Louisa, hosts 
a traveling TV show, sort of Two on the 
Тит in Europe. Anthony Andrews, as 
Michael, her former husband and co-host, 
has quit to get married and take up a life 
of teaching “earnest, stoop-shouldered 
graduate students with pinkeye and bad 
breath.” Louisa will do anything, includ- 
ing faking her own death, to get him back. 
Of course, she docs, but not before she has 
pursued him all over Italy, getting mixed 
up with bad guys in the process, which cul- 
minates in a hilarious chase sequence on 
the leaning tower of Pisa. Nota model, the 
al thing. That's what this s 
al thing. Its a Forties screwball comedy 
come to life in living color on European 
locations. And its fast you really have to 
pay attention. Whitton and Andrews lob 
sults back and forth as if they were at 
Wimbledon. Howard Hawks would be 
proud, Did I mention that the episode 
guest-stars Rossano Brazzi? A Fine Ro- 
mance is written by Peachy Markowitz, ob- 
viously a pseudonym. I'm going to tell 
people its me 


how is, the re- 


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THE COLD STANDARD 


ALASKA 
Pay N Save 
Anchorage -Sears Roebuck 
Brewster's Dept. Sicre. 
Gary King's Sporting 
Goods 
Long's Drug 
B& J Family Store 
Wasilla — B & J True Valu 
ARIZONA 
Phoenix — Alpine Ski Keller 
Tempe — Alpine Ski Keler 
CALIFORNIA 
5к!& Sports Inc. (5 locations) 
Chick's Sporting Goods (4 locations) 


All-American Sportsclub (6 Locations) 


Leroy's (Big Bear, Arrowhead) 
Sport Chalet (8 locations) 
‘Track’ N' Trail (30 locations) 
‘Tahoe Sports (L Tahoe, 
Chico, Redding) 
Porter's Ski & Sport (Truckee, Tahoe) 
COLORADO 
Gene Taylor's Sporting Goods 
(4 locations) 
Dave Cock Sporting Goods 
(4 locations) 
Gart Brothers Sporting Goods 
Arvada — Western Trading 
Aspen — Ozzie's Shoes 
Boulder — Boulder Army Store 
Denver — Factory Surplus 
Englewood — Western Trading 
Fort Collins — Fort Collins Army Store 
Glenwood Springs — Army & 
Factory Surplus 
Май — Vail Boot & Shoe 
CONNECTICUT 
Bob's Inc. (5 Locations) 
Berlin — Mickey Finn's 
DC. 
Hudson Trail Outfitters 
IDAHO 
Boise — Black Sheep 
Coeur d'Alene — Black Sheep 
Sun Valley — Ozzie's Shoes 
ILLINOIS 
Browr's Sporting Goods 
Canton — Farm King Supply 
Champaign — Champaign Surplus 
Chicago (Metro) — Sporimart 
Galesburg — Farm King Supply 
Kewanee — Farm King Supply 
Macomb — Farm King Supply 
Monmouth — Farm King Supply 
Quincy — Merkles Inc. 
INDIANA 
Brown's Sporting Goods 
Fort Wayne – А. Spiece Sales 
Indianapolis — Dunham's 
Galyaris 
Plainfield — Galyaris 
Wabash — R 1. Spiece Sales 
IOWA. 
Scheers 
KANSAS 
Overland Pk., 
Prairie Vig. — Steve's Shoes 
Shawnee-Mission — Alpine Hut 
MAINE 
Brewer 


Epsterisinc. 
Winterport Boot Shop 
Ellsworth — Willey's 

Kittery — Kittery Trading Post 


North Windham — Sebago Trading Post 


Portland — Levinsky's 
MARYLAND 

Hudson Trail Outfitters 
MASSACHUSETTS 

MVP Sports 

Fitchburg — Harry's Dept. Store 


Indian Orchard — Stuart Sports Center 


Lee — Jack's Dept. Store 

Pittsfield — Pittslield Sporting Goods 
Dick Moon's Sporting Goods 

Williamsburg — Williamsburg Feed 

& Farm 

MICHIGAN 

Dunham's 

Ann Arbor — Harry's Army-Navy 

Bay City — Mill End Stores 

Bessemer — Abeimans 

Big Rapids — Grurst Erc 

Clare — Mill End Stores 

Grand Rapids — Al & Bot's 


SOREL SUPERIOR, 
THE WORLD'S 
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er bottom 


American Eagle Outfitters 
Bass Pro Shops 

Toll-free 1-800-227-7776 
Cabela's 

Toll-free 1-800-237-4444 
Herman's World of Sports 
Ironwood — J C Penney 


Mancelona — RC ë GO. 

Mt Clemens — Ark Surplus 

Munising — Denrrar's Dept. Store 

Rochester — Jerry's Gun Shop 

Wyoming — Kent Arms 

MINNESOTA 

Mills Fleet Farm 

Scheel's 

Trade Home Shoes 

LEM Supply 

United Stores 

Mnneapolis/ St. Paul — 

Joe's Sporting Goods 

"Andercon Shoes 

Midwest Mountaineering 

Robert Shoes 

Burger Brothers 

Foursome Shoes 

Hoigaards 

MISSOURI 

SL Louis — Outdoorsinc. 

MONTANA 

Bozeman — Schnee's Boot Works 

Kalispell — Snappy Sport Center 
Sportsman Ski Haus 

Black Sheep 

Army Ë Navy Economy Store 

Bob Ward & Son 

Brady's Spots 

NEBRASKA 

North Platte — Young's Sporting Goods 

Omaha — Carlield's. 

NEW HAMPSHIRE 

Littleton — The Outlet Store 

Meredith — Paraphernalia 

NEW JERSEY 

Frugal Frank's 

Ramsey Outdoor (1-201-261-5000) 

Lafayette — The Shoe Store 


Missoula 


(Open-cell foam inside 
‘waterproof rubber 


| 
Full-grain, oil-rich 
leather upper 


Extra-thick, wool | 
— felt/polypropylene | 
inner sock | 


Fireman's quality wool | 
felt over 38” midsole 


Eddie Bauer Inc. 

Toll-free 1-800-426-8020 
Gander Mountain Inc. 
Toll-free 1-800-558-9410 
Recreational Equipment Inc. 
Toll-free 1-800-426-4928 


NEW MEXICO 
‘Albequerque — Sandia Mountain 
Outiters 
Sante Fe — Base Camp 
NEW YORK 
Erand Names (Upstate & Western NY) 
Herb Philipsons A& N 
(Upstate E W N.V) 
Dicks Solg Goods (Upstate & W NY) 
Albany — Schaffer's Dept. Sore 
Chestertown — Crossroads 
Cohoes — Cramer's Armory 
Hicksville — Goldman Brothers 
Katonah — Charles Dept. Store 
Pearl Niver — James Amann Co, 
Saranac Lake Blue Line Sport Shop 
Saugerties — Montano & Sons 
Walden — Thruway Markets 
NORTH CAROLINA 
Boone — Nast General Store 
Valle Crucis — Mast General Store 
NORTH DAKOTA 
Scheels 
Fargo — J C Penney 
Grand Forks — J C Penney 
OHIO 
Canton — Buckeye Sports Supply 
Cincinnati — All About Sports 
Cleveland — Ounham's 
Columbus. Vance's Shooter's Supply 
Dayton — General Surplus 
North Canton — Karne s Sport Center 
Norwalk — The Outdoorsman 
Hammer Huber 
Oregon — Woodville Road Surplus 
Sandusky — Hammer Huber 
Sheffield Lake — Оһо Canoe 
Adventures 
Warren — Mickey's Army-Navy 
Outdoor Army Store of Warren 


OREGON 

Bend — Sears Roebuck 

Eugene — Emporium inc 

Oregon City — Larry's Sport Center 

Portland — G. L Joe's 

Springfield — Coast Io Coast 

PENNSYLVANIA 

Frugal Frank's 

Clearfield — Grice Gun Shop 

Duryea — Zambor's Wholesale 
Sporting Goods 

Eynon — Harry Sugarman Co. 

Meadville — The Boot Box 

New Castle — |. Samuel ë Sens 

Reading — Boscov's 

Scranton — J.G. Plotkin 8 Son 

Whitehall — Kaylon Manufacturing Co. 


‘SOUTH DAKOTA 

‘Sioux Falls — Scheel's 

UTAH 

Allied Stores 

Salt Lake City — Сап Brothers 
Sporting Goods 

VERMONT 


Bellows Falls — Sam's Dept Stores 
Brattleboro — Sam's Dept. Siores 

J Galanes & Sons 
Essex Junction — Phils Inc. 
Pittsford — Keith's Trading Post 
Proctorsville — Singleton's Store Inc. 
Rutland — Sensible Shoes Inc 


South Burlington — Frugal Frank's 
St Johnsbury — Caplar's Army Store 
VIRGINIA 

Hudson Trail Outfitters 
WASHINGTON 

Olympic Sports 


Puyallup — Sportees 

Redmond — Sportzes 

‘Spokane — Sears Roebuck 

Union Gap — Sears Roebuck 
Wenatchee — Sears Roebuck 
WISCONSIN 

Farm & Home 

Farm8 Fleet 

Mills Fleet Farm 

Black Earth — The Shoo Box 

Green Bay — Nickelai Sporting Goods 
Hales Corner — Sherpers 

Lacrosse — Arenz Shoes 

Madison — Fortana Army/Navy 
Merrill — Caylors Corners 

Milwaukee — Sherpers 

Rhinelander — Mel's Trading Post 
Sparta — Arenz Shoes 

Superior — N.W. Outlet 

Wausau — Basomar's 

WYOMING 

Айоп — Lone Pines Sports 

Casper — Dave Cook Sporting Gocds 
Cheyenne — Peoples Sporting Goods 
Jackson Jack Dennis Outdoor Shops 
Lander — Coast To Coast 


36 


VIDEO 


While most Americans 
will once again be re- 
running It's a Honder- 
ful Life this month, 
don't look to Penn and 
Teller, the nations 
leading con men bi- 
zarre, for the pre- 
servation of sacred 
holiday sentiment. They'll be sticking with their 
usual panseasonal fare. "When | write.” says 
Penn, “all | do is run porn videos back to back 
with the sound down.” Adds Teller (adds 
Teller?!), “PI look up from typing if Penn tells 
me | should see some particular move. Other- 
wise, | just regard the videos as very witty wall- 
paper” On Christmas Day, though, Teller 
promises he'll he watching Hitchcock—either 
Psycho (a past yuletide gift from Penn) or North 
by Northwest — "Just like | would do on almost 
any other day of the year” шивнэн 


VIDEO NUDES, Part Il 


Where there's an A through L, there's got- 
ta be an M through Z. Here's a contin- 
uation of last months Video Nudes list 
(* denotes more than just a Hash): 

Demi Moore: About Last Night . . .*, 
Blame It on Rio, No Small Affair 

Tatum O'Neal: A Circle of Two 

Tanya Roberts: Beastmaster, Sheena? 
Isabella Rossellini: Blue Veluet* 

Susan Sarandon: The Hunger*, Pretty 


Baby, The Other Side of Midnight 


Jane Seymour: Lassiter 


Cybill Shepherd: The Last Picture Show 
Sissy Spacek: Carrie*, Prime Cul* 

Koo Stark: Emily* 

Meryl Streep: Plenty, Still of the Night 
Kathleen Turner: Body Неа, Crimes of 
Passion*, Julia and Julia* 

Vanity: 52 Pickup*, Never Too Young to 
Die* 

Rachel Ward: Night School*, Against All 
Odds 

Sigourney Weaver: Half Moon Street”, 
Qne Woman or Tuo 

Debra Winger: An Officer and a Geutle- 
man*, Slumber Party 57% 

Pia Zadora: Butterfly*, Lonely Lady* 

The complete list —now more than 125 en- 
tries- ilable for ten dollars from Fox 
Films, PO. Box 768, New York, New York 
10014. 


VIDEO SLEEPERS 
good movies that crept out of town 


Some films deserve to fail, but others have 
flop status thrust upon them—despite 
s, enticing talent or a nice twist. 
are. Neglected master- 
works they're not, but here are a handful 
of theatrical also-rans making comebacks 
as tapes: 

The Stepfather: Terry O'Quinn as a serial 
nd family man, scarier than Glenn 
Close in Fatal Altraction. Lock the door. 
Something Wild: Sex, violence and screw- 
ball comedy smoothly blended. Melanie 
Griffith as the daft seductress who kidnaps 


WANT TO LAUGH 


FEELING MUSICAL 


FEELING TRASHY 


Ethnic: Jackie Mason on Broadway (fosten your Borscht 
Belt—the maris a riot); romantic: Moonstruck (Nick Cage 
gets his foir Cher—perfetto) 
(Aykroyd as Santo— perfect Christmas fore). 


All-Star Reggae Session (Ziggy Marley, Toots Hibbert and 
friends jam in Jamaica; solid “supersession” from HBO); 
Aria (ten famous directors interpret ten fomous operotic 
arias; as hypnotic os it is erotic); Paint Your Wagon (Clint 
Eostwood in a Western musical? Yep. Fun ond rowdy). 


That Memorable Year 1963 (from MAC’ video-scrapbook 
series; this volume features J.FK., Beatlemania ond Puff 
the Magic Drogon); Gorilla, Secrets of the Titanic ond The 
Sharks (three gems from Notional Geographic). 


The Bitch (aptly named howler starring Joan Collins); 
Lonely Lady (Pia Zadora gets naked, cries and makes The 
Bitch look like Gone with the Wind); Don't Mess with My 
Sister (lust, passion and fear" from the writer-director 
of—what else?—1 Spit on Your Grave). 


antic: Trading Places 


Jeff Daniels, her all-too-willing prey 
The White Down: Arctic high adventure 
about stranded whalers and cruelly ex- 
ploited Eskimos. Worth a rewind if only for 
the awesome cinematography: 

Castaway: Nicolas Rocg's exotic true-life 
tale of a Londoner and his I 
spend a year practicing t 
Шен ШОЛ ihe nude. ach Oliver Reed 
and Amanda Donoloe.—sguc# WILLIAMSON 


WORT TAKES 


Yuppiest Porn Title: Rea/ Men Eat Keisha; Best 
Meet-Your-Next-Door-Neighbors Video: Massag- 
ing Your Friends; Best Annoy-Your-Oownstairs- 
Neighbors Video: Beginning Appalachian 
Clogging; Best lts-a-Living Video: Building 
Model Railroad Scenery with the Experts; 
Worst Family-Get-Together Video: How to Pre- 
pare Your Last Will & Testament; Best Thrill-a- 
Minute Video: How to Pass the Postal Exam; 
Best Play-with-Your-Food Video: Egg Art. 


VIDEOSYNCRASIES 


The Pet Rock Video: For $795, here's a 
three-minute tape featuring leather-clad 
rocks in sunglasses rapping better than the 
Stones ever did (Avalanche). 
The Elements of Style: Remember the 
book from English class that told you 
where to put vour commas and semi- 
colons? Now it's a video—at last (Paper- 
back Visual Publishing). 

Dolphins: Fli friends cavorting 
around the Florid All that lush cin- 
ematography and soothing music can be, 
according to a noted shrink, downright 
therapeutic (R.A.V. E.). 


THE HARDWARE CORNER 


A Matter of Size: Big ones, tall ones, short 
ony is Lrying to cover all 
-projection 67- 
view Trinitron 
sel all the way down to a two-and-seven- 
tenths-inch color LCD model that can dou- 
ble as a camcorder monitor. 

With Toshiba's SK- 
3D7 camcorder, you can make 3-D tapes. 
Package includes a twin-lens camera that 
combines tw ic fields into one im- 


age, an electronic adapter and special 
viewing that shutter back and forth 
between the right and left eyes. Just under 
$3000. 


Caveat Videor: Rank Video Services 
America has designed a cassette tape capa- 
ble of having its number of rewinds limit- 
ed, which means that one day you may 
actually be stuck with a single-play 
rental—or else pay for more. Grrrr- 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


rues pays, fiction readers demand de- 
flation. They want to go behind the magi- 
cian, expose the illusions, stomp on clay 
feet and get right to the heart of the mat- 
ter. Three new novels—Anne Rice's The 
Queen of the Damned (Knopf), Willi: 
sons Mona Liso Overdrive (Bantam) and 
Larry McMurtry’s Anything for Billy (Simon 
& Schuster}—plunge into hoary literary 
territory to emerge fresh and (dare I say 
it?) relevant 

McMurtry is undoubtedly the most ag- 
gressively intellectual writer to mine the 
cowboy myth, and in this comical, often 
charming retelling of the Billy the Kid sto- 
ry, he pokes fun at the Max Brand school 
of е novel” Western writers while giv- 
ing us a Billy who could have come out of 
the south Bronx. The narrator of Anything 
for Billy is Ben Sippy, a Philadelphia writer 
who has churned out a long, successful se- 
ries of paperbacks and can't resist the urge 
his wife and nine daughters to try 
is fantasies (shades of Romancing 
the Stone). He has a chance meeting with 
Billy Bone in the Hidden Mountains of 
New Mexico and quickly becomes his side 
kick and scribe. 

We're definitely not in for an Emilio Es 
tevez Young Guns romance here. McMur- 
try's Billy is part psycho killer, part Holden 
Caulfield and part all-American bad boy. 
In fact, the voice of Ben Sippy sounds re- 
markably like Mark Twain trying to make 
sense of a Tom Sawyer gone awry. 

McMurtrys turn-of-the-century cowboy 
tale, for all its casual violence, appears gen 
tle by comparison with the hard-edged vi 
sion of Gibson's Mona Lisa Overdrive. Set 
sometime in the mid-2lst Century, this 
novel sweeps us into a tortured plot about а 
globe-hopping power struggle within the 

Yakuza (the Japanese Mafia gone interna- 
tional). Mona is a wiz-snorting young pros- 
шше who is surgically altered to look like 
Angie Mitchell, a world-famous star of 
Sense/Net stimsims (an entertainment ex- 
perience that has replaced movies), as part 
of a murder scheme. Meanwhile, in the 
wasteland near the Sprawl (the continuous 
urban landscape running from Boston to 
Atlanta), a computer cowboy fiddling on 
his cyberspace deck discovers a man on 
life-support systems who is somehow 
hooked into the metaphysical mysteries of 
the parallel universe. Mona is as fast-paced 
and tightly plotied as a Robert Ludlum 
thriller and a breakthrough book with a 
h, tough vision of tomorrow that will 
change a lot of minds about s-f. 

Anne Rice has gone so far beyond the 
conventions of Gothic horror in her Vam- 
pire Chronicles that she has practically in- 
vented a new mythology based on a few 
elements from Bram Stokers Dracula. 
This is a sophisticated, sensuous world of 


McMurtry writes the range. 


Our new critic examines 
the latest from Rice, 
Gibson and McMurtry. 


beings whose lives and cmo- 
тог human ones; but because the 
mirror is deliberately distorted, it forces us 
to define and examine human behavior — 
our own—in the face of evil. 

Rice’s newest novel, The Queen of the 
Damned, meshes the timeless world of vam- 
pires with contemporary life. Lestat, a 
vampire rock star who lusts after fame as 
well as blood, awakens Akasha—the moth- 
er of all vampires—from а 6000-year 
sleep, and she has some primitive ideas 
about how to bring peace to mankind. 
Mainly, she wants to wipe out most of the 
vampires and all of the male humans. 

Rice's technique is disarming because 
she confronts the inherent absurdity of the 
idea of vampires head on, convinces you 
that this candid dismissal is one of their 
tricks to avoid detection and then plunges 
you into the fantasy. And what a bizarre, 
erotic fantasy it ist 


. 

Bringing us down from the supernatu- 
ral plane to the sand of California beaches 
is I. Jefferson Parker, whose Laguna Heat 
put Orange County on the literary map. 
His new novel, Little Saigon (St. Martin's 
named for a special community in that 
county where 100,000 Asian refugees live. 
“This is another thickly plotted, suspense- 
ful murder mystery with a blond surfer 
standing in for Sam Spade. 

It begins when masked gunmen abduct 
a popular Vietnamese chanteuse from the 
stage of a Little Saigon night club. Her 
husband is a Vietnam vet who lost his legs 
in the war but came back to become a mul- 


timillion-dollar real-estate developer. His 
brother is Chuck Frye, “former second- 
best surfer of Laguna Beach,” who dives 
into the murky subculture of frightened, 
suspicious refugees, tough Asian gangs 
and pa tary organizations to find his 
sister in-law. Parker reveals the still-fester- 
ing hurt and rage of the Vietnamese com 
munity and presents it in the context of a 
tense thriller that builds to a 
payoff. 


. 

In contrast, Aram Saroyan's The Romantic. 
(McGraw-Hill) is a sardonic romp through 
the politics of making it in the movie biz 
As seen through the eyes of Connecticut 
screenwriter James Redding, the polities 
turn out to be mainly sexual. By turns 
raunchy and hilarious, this energetic novel 
perfectly captures the craziness of bi- 
coastal Hollywood 


. 

] P Donleavy has been saving up all of 
his laughs from the past five years to put 
into his new novel, Are You Listening Rabbi 
têw (Atlantic Monthly). If you enjoy Aat- 
out scatological farce, this gem will reduce 
you to tears. Featuring another appear- 
ance by one of Donleavy's favorite charac- 
ters, the foulmouthed Franz Sigmund 
"Isadorable" Schultz, this crazy story con- 
cerns his gross-out antics in London, 
where he is being double-crossed by his 
partners, sucd by his wife and pursued by 
a gangsters girlfriend —all the while pray- 
ing to one of his Czech ancestors, Rabbi 
Löw, for guidance and understan 


BOOK BAG 


Going to Work (Villard), by Lisa Birn- 
bach: The co-author of the ever so Preppy 
Handbook strikes again. Proving that even 
preps grow up and may even have lo— 
gulp—work for a living, Birnbach guides 
the reader, on little cats feet, through the 
ranks of the white-collar heroes at Ameri- 
саў top companies. Their best perks, the 
best dressed, best paternity leave—the 
whole enchilada, Boopsy. It's a Whole Earth 
Catalog for Yuppies in training. 

Temptations (Punam), by Otis Williams 
This is a tale 
and success. Williams, the 
founder of Motown’ sweet and sassy har- 
monizers, relates a no-holds-barred histo- 
ry of soul music, almost from its embryonic 
beginnings. 

Representative Men (University of Arkan- 
sas), by John Clellon Holmes: A widely 
celebrated author who often contributed 
to Playboy, the late Holmes recalls, in glow- 
ing personal sketches, the noncon- 
formists—Nelson Algren, Jack Kerouac 
Allen Ginsberg, Neal Cassady, Gershon 
Legman—who were the literati of the Beat 
Generation. He knew them all, and no- 
body wrote about them better. 


8 


HULL, 


I. WEST HAS ALWAYS 


REFLECTED THE SPIRIT OF THE 
AMERICAN MAN. 

IT REPRESENTS SELF-RELIANCE, 
STRENGTH, PRIDE AND A ROMANTIC 
VISION OF LIFE. 

IT IS AN IMAGE OF MAN 
AT HIS MOST INDIVIDUAL, MOST 
INDEPENDENT. 

CHAPS IS A COLOGNE THAT 
CAPTURES THE SPIRIT OF THIS MAN. 
IT IS AS NATURAL TO HIM AS A WORN 
LEATHER JACKET OR A PAIR OF JEANS. 

CHAPS BY 
RALPH LAUREN. 
FOR THE SPIRIT 
OF THE WEST 
THATS INSIDE 
EVERY MAN. 


RALPH LAUREN 
Fi 


DOLOGNE 18 FL.02/55ML Ü 


CHAPS BY RALPH LAUREN 


CHAPS. 
“THE SPIRIT OF THE WEST 
THAT’S INSIDE EVERY MAN. 


40 


SPORTS 


his is the 50th anniversary of the 
college football season that made me 
want to becom 
good thing, 
already lea 
would never make it as a triple-threat 
quarterback, an aviator, a G man, an am- 
bulance driver, a doughboy knocking out 
German machine-gun nests or a cowboy: 
How did 1 know this? I was skinny and 
had morbid fears of height, speed and 
danger, that's how. 
t was the year that the univer- 
sity in my home town of Fort Worth, Texas, 
produced a dazzling, world-beating foot 
mythical 


‚national championship, an accomplish- 


ment that encouraged me to decide that, 
despite the breath-taking boredom of the 
place into which I had been born, I was 
suddenly and arrogantly living in the 
sports capital of the universe. 

My grandad Pap and uncle Mack and 
older cousin Sid had hinted at this a couple 
of years earlier, when SI ' Sam Baugh 
was slinging touchdown passes for the Te 
as Christian University Horned Frogs, a 
nickname, incidentally, that 1 didn't think 
was eccentric or amusing until later in life. 

But now it was that wonderful усаг of 
1938 and a little guy named Davey 
O'Brien, only 5'7" and 152 pounds, was 
slinging even more touchdown passes for 
‘TCU, as well as darting around on broker 


all over the held, and primarily because of 
O'Brien, the Horned Frogs were romping 
over every opponent with utter disc 


dain, who was sidelined and replaced by 
Remarkable Ease, who was slower but just 
as effective. 

At the start of the season, my rela 
took me out to TCU stadium, a concrete 
edifice holding 30,000 and looking to me 
at the time like the largest structure on 
earth, where I watched the Horned Frogs 
tromp over Centenary and Arkansas, and 
һ var 
hood friends. I listened intently on the ra 
as they tromped over Texas A&M at 
College Station and over Temple and Mar- 
quete in the fiercely exotic locales of 
Philadelphia and Milwaukee. 

The Associated Press and the William- 
son Rankings, the two most respected rat- 
ng systems of the era, ran every Tuesday 
the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, and the 
relatives would shout obscenities at them 
over breakfast, lunch and dinner. 


By DAN JENKINS 


BIRTH OF A 
SPORTSWRITER 


After five impressive victories, the Frogs 
had been able to climb no higher than 
fourth in the polls, while, in the meantime, 
Pitt, the defending national champion, 
rolling along nicely with Marshall Gold- 
berg and its “dream backfield,” seemed to 
have a death grip on number one. 

“The sixth week brought the Saturday of 
the gigantic struggle between undefeated 
TCU (5—0) and undefeated Baylor (4-0-1) 
in Fort Worth, a battle of passing brilliance 
between O'Brien and Baylor's “Bullet” Bill 
Patterson, who was destined to become a 
hero of the East-West game. 

On the warm, dry Saturday of October 
29, Lattended the pregame parade, where 
I applauded the TCU Swing Band and 
sneered at a grizzly in a cage being towed 
by a Baylor truck. 

Later, on the gi of the north end 
zone, surrounded by relatives and a sellout 
crowd, I watched with awe and frequently 
with my own eyes as O'Brien hurled three 
touchdown passes and perpetrated magi- 
ianlike als to а trailing halfback 
named Earl Clark and a trailing fullback 
named Connie Sparks after squirting 
through the line for 10, 20, 30 yards be- 
hind the blocking of his all-American cen- 
ter, Ki Aldrich, and his all-American 
tackle, 1. B. Hale, and TCU demolished 
the Bears by the stunning score of 39-7. 

‘Yo this day, | have still not seen football 


played with such skill, verve and daring. 

The Frogs soared to number two in the 
polls after the Baylor slaughter and there 
was much joy around the breakfast, lunch 
and dinner table, but then God smiled 
even more favorably on TCU. A week later, 
on the Saturday the Frogs were whipping 
tulsa handily, the invincible Pitt Panthers 
were shocked, upset and otherwise stu- 
pefied by Carnegie Tech, 20-10. 

TCU vaulted to number one and plans 
were set in motion to paint every house in 
Fort Worth purple. 

It was at that point that a terrible thing 
happened. God frowned on Fort Worth. 
Even though the Frogs soundly defeated 
‘Texas the following Saturday, Notre Dame 
remained undefeated and the polls ca- 
tered to the popularity of the Irish. “tise 
WREST NUMBER-ONE RANKING FROM FROGS.” 

“Northern sons of bitches,” an uncle or 
cousin commented. 

O'Brien and the Frogs finished their 
perfect season (10-0) with delicious victo- 
ries over Rice and SMU, and the relatives 
were resigned to settling for number two 


when fate stepped in again. 
Notre Dame had one last game to play, 
on December third, and, happily, it was 


against USC out on the Coast, a very good 
USC team that had a Grenny Lansdell and 
an Ambrose Schindler to make mischief 
for the Irish. That was the best day of ra- 
dio listening in the history of Fort Worth, 
for the ‘Trojans crushed Notre Dame, 
13-0. We had only to wait for ‘Tuesday's 
newspaper to receive the blissful news — 
and we were rewarded with a screaming 
headline that read: “FROGS FAR AHEAD IN FE 
NAL GRID POLLS!" 

А few days later, O'Brien became a 
unanimous all-American quarterback, as 
well as the winner of the Heisman, 
Maxwell and Walter Camp trophies as the 
best player in the land; and а few weeks lat- 
er, the Horned Frogs whipped up on 
Carnegie Tech in the Sugar Bowl, 15-7, to 
justify the integrity of the A.P and 
mson polls. 

Finally, an eight-year-old kid decided to 
become a sportswriter, if for no reason oth- 
er than to help combat Notre Dame's clout 
in the polls in future years. 

Actually, in all the years since then, he 
has not had much luck in that endeavor, 
but he still has 1938 to fondle. 


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MAGNAVOX 


42 


MEN 


I got a call from the Greek the other 
night. I hadn't heard from him for a 
couple of years—since he'd gotten та 
ried, as a matter of fact. 

“Ace,” he said, "we gotta talk. 1 mean 
really talk. I'm in trouble. Can you meet me 
at the restaurant tonight?" 

“No problem,” I said. The Greek's fami- 
ly immigrants from Corfu, own a resta 
ranton Chicago's Halsted Street. 

The Greek is slightly over 30 and slight- 
ly overweight. Today, he worksasan execu- 
tive for one of the biggest and best 
advertising firms in town. Growing up, he 
worked in the restaurant business with his 
mother and father and brothers. No mat- 
ter how hard the Greek tries to be a Yup- 
pie, there is always something a little out of 
упс with him. It is as if he hears at all 
times, somewhere in his inner ear, the surf 
on the beaches of Corfu, as if he will al- 
ways be somewhat distracted from the 
workaholism of America. 

Put it this way: The Greek is a rotund 
pegin a very square hole. He owns a BMW, 
but its fenders are dented and there is rust 
on the hood; he wears elegant suits, bt 
soon as he picks them up 
he tries to be smooth and 
controlled, but humor bubbles out of him 
like honey from a honeycomb. 

“1 keep having these dreams,” he said as 
1 walked into the restaurant. He was pou 
ing two glasses of ouzo. “They freak me 
out. I dream I'm Wayne Gretzky.” He 
paused, as if I would understand. 

“So what?" I shrugged. 

“I think I'm being traded to Los Ange- 
les. Гуе agreed with my wife that I'll go 
there. I cry at my press conference. ПУ the 
saddest day of my life.” 

“Greek, you brought me down here to 
tell me you dream about being Wayne 
Gretzky? 1 dort get it” 

“Did you see Gretzky when he got mar- 
ried? Did you see that picture of him wall 
эш of the church? He was winking, 
smiling, all relaxed, big thumbs-up for the 
crowd. It was terrible, really terrible.” 

"What was so terrible?” I asked. "It was a 
beautiful wedding. He was happy: 
You were at my wedding two years ago. 


“Yeah, You looked really pleased.” 
Exactly. 1 was fat, dumb and happy, 
right? I callit the Gretzky Syndrome now. 1 
just figured it out. Look” he pulled out a 
newspaper clippi ee? Gretzky's smil- 
ing like a banshee- 
“Agreed.” 


By ASA BABER 


THE GREEK 
AND GRETZKY 


“But his wife—look at that picture of hi 
wife. She looks grim to me, Ace, grim a 
determined.” 

ауре she's afraid she'll trip on her 
wedding gown,” I said. 

"That's a picture of a woman with a hid- 
den agenda, Ace.” [he Greek pounded the 
table. “You can tell in that picture that she's 
got plans for Wayne.” 

“There's a debate about that," 1 said. 
“Pocklington says Gretzky asked to be 
traded. Gretzky agreed with that at first, 
then denied it. 

“Three weeks, Ace. Three weeks and 
Gretzky caves in and agrees to leave Ed- 
monton so his wife can be in Hollywood." 
“That's harsh, Greek. You cant prove 


"Maybe not, but it sure explains some- 
thing to me. Us guys, we get married 
thinking only that we're going to get lai 
forever. We marry for comfort. We cant 
see beyond the end of our dicks. But wom- 
en? It's entirely different for them. They 
marry us to change us. A woman looks at a 
man the way a real-estate developer looks 
at a building. We're renovation projects to 
them; its as simple as that. You say ‘I do; 
nd right away, they are on your case— 
change this, change that, change your 
titude, change your habits, yadda- 
It's terrible.” 

h, you got something there, Greek," 


“Two years’ renovation,” he said, point- 
ing to himself, “Two years and now I cant 
go to night games at Wrigley Field, Im 
supposed to stop doing the crossword puz- 
zle in church, I have to presoak all the 
white loads before I do the wash, and if I 
want a night out with the guys, I have to 
file a flight plan. And the plants? You 
should see the plants. We have a sun porch 
that looks like Brazil. I will die in there one 
day. A new kind of insect that no one has 
ever seen before will bite me on the ass and 
I will die while 1 am watering the frigging 
plants on our sun porch. And I'm doing all 
of this to get laid? I dont get laid that of- 
ten, anyway. Have I missed. somethi 
Ace? Do other guys have it better? Or is 
the Gretzky Syndrome universal? Tell me. 
Be honest. | can take it. Please. Before the 
insect gets me.” 

“OK, Greek. You've got it right. The 
Gretzky Syndrome exists. Guys get mar- 
ried. Then it The honeymoon is over 
and the renovation begins. The bride be- 
comes a wife/developer: *I don't like your 
temper, I think you should learn some 
manners, I cant relate to you when you ar- 
gue; etc. So you have to learn how to sub- 
vert it. The Greuky Syndrome can be 
overcome, but it takes practice.” 

“Tell me ho 

“You've got to be stubborn. You've got to 
claim your own territory. You start with 
socks. Dirty socks. You keep them where 
you've always kept them, even if it’s in the 
freezer. You do not let her clean up your 
act completely. You fight to stay sloppy. And 
you say a pledge of allegiance every morn- 
“On my honor an, I will not 
change everything for my wife, no matter 
what the pressure, even if she cuts my wa- 
ter off” Every morning, you say that while 
youre holding Mr. Happy. Another thing: 
Talk with your buddies. Set up a Gretzky 
Network. Compare notes with 
other married men. You'll see. Wives are 
out to change us the same way. Know what 
that is? They want us to be very nice girls. 
“First we will have neatness and order and 
sweetness,” they are telling us, ‘then we 
might have fun if you're very, very good." 
That's their basic program. You have to 
fight it. 

“But it sounds so lonely" the Greek 


ell," E said, and the Greek 
laughed. Through his tears, that is. 


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4 


WOMEN 


W: arc in a tiny village in the middle 
of nowhcre, Scotland, and the guys 
are scoping for babes at the local pub. Lam 
helping. 

"There's kind of a Frenchy-looking one,” 
I say to Mike. 

“Her hair's too done; she's wearing too 
much make-up,” he says. 

“Too old,” says my son. 

At which 1 sniff. Too old, indeed! They 
should know from old. 

Old is Pat, my new 83-year-old friend 
who escorted me to the wine-tasting hill- 
billy hoedown. 

This is a hell of a town. Very pic- 
turesque, very old, very local hero. A four- 
pub, two-butcher, one-greengrocer kind of 
village with a good graveyard. There is a 
barley warehouse down the hill (to start off 
the Scotch). Local girls wear enormously 
high white heels with blue jeans and feel 
very glam. Every year, this village has a big 
festival. There are pram races, granny- 
sack races, games and Scottish music walt- 
ing trom every pub and village hall. 

1 first saw Pat when I peered through 
her window: a slight pixy-faced woman in 
a patched jacket and frayed trousers, hair 
straight and gray and chin length, eating 
her dinner, reading a detective novel. 1 
knocked on the window. She turned and 
rushed to the door and said, “Come in, 
you're the American in the Weaver's 
House. Sit down; ТЇЇ make you coffee, Will 
you pick me up at eight o'clock tonight? 
Wait until you see what I'm wearing: 

Ме walked up the hill to the hoedown 

i ing. Pat was a pioneer woman 
1 urban cowgirl. 

lage, crammed into the 
g neckerchiefs, straw hats 
. The women wore pigtails. 
“The men had used their wives’ eyebrow 
pencils to draw hillbilly stubble on their 
checks. 1 drank elderberry and black-cur- 
rant wine, grew dizzy and found myself on 
stage wearing someone's straw hat and 
singing Oklahoma. 

Beatrice, gray-haired, over 60, got on 
stage and did an outrageous version of 
“I'm jist a girl who сайт say no." She pout- 
ed, she shimmied, she batted her eyelashes. 

Angie, close to 70, had allowed herself to 
be made up as Dolly Parton. Blonde wig, 
big lips, stuffed bazooms, a garter belt and 
a furry thing with a tail—God knows what 
it was—tucked in at the crotch. She be: 
came enamored of her new look and threw 
up her skirt at every opportunity. 

“This,” E said to Pat, “is brilliant satire! 


swathed in pink, | was 
The rest of the 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


BONNY LASSES 


parodying sex objects! They're 
ig out a basic irony of womens liv 
y same behavior that is perceived 
as luscious and erotic when you're 20 be- 
comes grotesque and unseemly when 
you're no longer deemed desirable! How 
courageous! American women would nev- 
er be so open!" 

“I expect they're just tipsy,” Pat an- 
swered serenely. 

But now I'm at the pub, scrutinizing a 
young girl's buttocks. "Now, I think she’s 
really pretty,” I say. 

“Well, shes OK, but she's not a babe,” 
says Mike, “You gotta have a babe.” 

“Don't you know anything, Mom?" says 
my kid. 

“I don't like really big bre: 
le butt,” says Mike. 
lert, babe alert,” intones my son 
as a delicately pretty redhead oozes into 
the room. There is a startled-fawn look to 
her сус». 

“She looks like a startled fawn,” 1 say. 

“We like innocence,” says Mike. 

“God, give me strength,” 1 say. “Is Linda 
a babe?” 
“Not at the moment,” says Mike. 


ts, and 1 like 


and a solid, co 
hanging out laundry or cooking, organiz- 
ing village activities or taking care of her 
14-year-old daughter, who has curvature 
of the spine. Her garden is suffering and 


shes worried about it. Her daughter is 
about to go into the hospital for another 
operation. 

“If you hear a lot of screeching and car- 
rying on in a few minutes," Linda told us 
earlier that day, "dont worry about it. The 
hospital just gave us a date. She doesn’t 
know it yet. 1 have to tell her. Oooh, I'm 
nervous.” 

Linda's daughter is very tiny, looks may- 
be ten years old, has a hopeful face. She 
carries herself with dignity. Last time I saw 
her, she was wearing expertly applied blue 
eye shadow. She wants to be a babe. 

“Is Emma a babe?” I ask. 

Mike considers. “I suspect she’s an ex- 
babe.” 

“She's a mom, Mom,” says my offspring: 

Emma is tall, slim, commanding, drinks 
her Scotch like a man and lives in a huge, 
beautiful barn of a house in the Scottish 
woods. She wears big jewelry, dotes on her 
dogs, is impatient with fools, likes to tell 
stories about Salvador Dali and ume 
spent a day in Greenwich Village scarch- 
ing for Motley Crüc records for her 15- 
year-old daughter 

‘How about Rose?” I ask. 

Rose is my landlady for the month. She 
is tall and cherubic and smiling but can 
make you shiver to your soul if she uses her 
schoolmarm voice. She has extensive gar- 
dens, runs two guesthouses, helps run her 
husband's business, supervises two sons 
and organizes everyone in the village, even 
me. I am mad about her. 

“I keep telling you," says Mike, "to be a 
babe, you have to be in your early 20s.” 

“Or younger,” says my issue. 

“And have unstudied hair and not too 
much make-up,” I say. “And a tight butt, 
breasts and a startled-fawn 
That cancels out most of wom- 


depressed.” 


sten,” says Mike consolingly “A 
the eye of the beholder.” 

A gorgeous 15-year-old babe walks into 
the pub and spots my two guys. Tousled 
hair, startled-fawn eyes. This is a bold 
babe. She makes a little chitchat, starts rub- 
bing against Mike, running her fingers 
through his hair, puts her hands in my 
boy's pockets. 

“Leis go o, 
whispers to then 

“Help!” says Mike. 

“Help!” says my child. 


into the moonlight,” she 


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MAGNAVOX 


46 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


Т he question for the month 

If a man is interested in you but 
youre not interested in him, do you tell 
him or let him down with little white 
lies? 


When the guy is being harmless about 
it, ГЇЇ say, “Listen, I'm involved with some- 
one. Let's be friends.” If he's annoying me, 
Til tell him to get lost. Do | really want 
to be friends? 
Sure, if I like 
him but just 
dont feel sexu- 
ally attracted to 
him. Then ГЇЇ 
say, “I'm not in- 
terested in get- 
ting involved.” 
h really de- 
pends on the 
kind of guy and 
his approach 
If hes very 
straightforward and being nice, then ГЇЇ 
let him down easy. If he’s being a jerk and 
trying to pick me up, I don't mind being a 
jerk right back! 


DECEMBER 1986 


Probably, I'd tell little white lies, because 
Туе found in the past that if I tell a man 
that I'm probably never going to be at- 
tracted to him 
sexually, then 
he tends to dis- 
appear from 
my life. Some 
of my best 
friends started 
out being inter- 
ested in more 
than friendship 
with me. Over 
time, the rela- 
tionships mel- 
lowed. If it 
were the other way around, I'd like to keep 
my pride and not feel total rejection. May- 
be we can be friends. If he kept persisting, 
Га be more direct. Who wants to be 
friends with someone who can't accept 
what you tell him, even in a nice way? 


ANNA CLARK 
APRIL 1987 


always tell him the truth. Is a miserable 
feeling to be lied to, and I know because 
I've been on the other side. I was mad! 
fatuated with a man and he strung me 
along. Believe 
me, thats not 
big fun. So l 
tell him right 
away if I al- 
ready have a 
man in my life. 
Sometimes it 
opens the way 
toa nice friend- 
ship. even if 
you're already 
taken in the ro- 
mantic sense. If 
Um not romantically tied up, I still say no 
thanks. Why? Because I don't want any re- 
lationships that are based on lies. 1 dont let 
that many people into my life. The few I 
do are there forever. 


Us Basen 


JULIE PETERSON 
FEBRUARY 1987 


Depends on the character of the guy. 
Sometimes I get this little demon str 
me. If a guy has a huge ego, it's almost 
10 tell him the truth. п really not at- 
tracted to you, get i?" But if I meet some- 
one who is 
really nice and 
1 don't want to 
hurt his feel- 
ings, 1 dont 
have Чо show 
whats in my 
hand, you un- 
derstand? You 
don't always 
have to tell peo- 
ple what cards 
you're playing. 
It is beuer to 
save their feelings. 1 might say 1 already 
have а boyfriend, or I haven't gotten over 
my last relations! There was a guy who 
really liked me; he was younger and so 
nervous that he stuttered when he talked 
to me. I spent a lot of time letting him 
down gently, and he took it to mean that I 
must have liked him, since Pd spent so 
much time with him. 


Са 


LUANN LEE 
JANUARY 1987 


Û have a hard time just telling him poin 
blank. That's a character defect I want to 
work on. If Fm in a relationship and a guy 
gets interested in me and I dont find him 
attractive but Í enjoy his company, I try 
to keep the friendship rolling, but I keep 
my guard up. 
Then if it gets 
ıo the poin 
where he asks 
me out, I avoid 


i. I say Im 
busy. Then I'm 
stuck avoiding 


him, which gets 
lo be a hassle, 
and he eventu- 
ally 


hgures it 


ends up looking bad. You've got t0 be hon- 
est and T havent learned that lesson. You 
can hurt someone more trying to be kind 
than you can being honest 


CHER BUT 


AUGUST 
Br hes a real jerk, I blow him off com- 
pletely. If he’s OK, but he’s just kind of bu 


ging me, I'll be nice enough to say, "Th; 
vou, Im not in- 
terested.” If a 
jerk keeps at it, 
I can be brutal. 
That makes me 
mad. A пке 
guy might get 
a white lie if 


he just wasn't 
my 


уре. Га 
з be 
friends.” You 
have to be care- 
ful, though, not 
to go out with him. Because if the dating 
doesnt work out, there goes the friend- 
ship. You dont want to spoil that. 


Bad Brandt 


BRANDI BRANDT 
OCTOBER 1987 


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A Dasson o! Norn Amen Phaps Cormoraton 


mf, 


MICHELOB FAMILY OF BEERS 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


WW hen Pm at a bar, 1 find it quite hard to 
meet and talk to girls. 1 am tall, dark and 
reasonably good-looking. It's not that girls 
never look at or talk to me, it’s just that it 
seems that this is as far as it ever goes. I'll 
rl a drink or dance with her, but 
t. My friend tells me 1 must be 
much more aggressive. This is probably 
the problem, but how do 1 know what is 
100 aggressive —without getting slapped? 
"Thanks.—K. $., Edmonton, Alberta. 
Biologist Timothy Perper spent more than 
900 hours watching single men and women 
interact al bars, He claims that there are five 
stages to courtship encounters: the approach, 
talking, the turn, the touch and the synchro- 
nization, Usually, the woman approaches the 
man. If there is interest, the two turn to face 
cach other (thus shutting out the competi- 
tion). Then the couple accidentally touch 
each other—i.e, one might pick a piece of 
fluff from the others shoulder. Says Perper 
"Its amazing how much fluff accumulates in 
singles bars." When ihe flirtation goes nucle- 
ar, the two start to mirror cach others moves. 
She sips when you sip, you cup her breast, she 
fondles your genitals. (Just kidding on that 
last bit, At least we think we're kidding) Per- 
per says that most men miss these cues. “About 
90 percent can't tell the difference between po- 
lileness and flirting. It’s a myth that men are 
the sexual aggressors in vur society" So cur 
advice: Keep a meat-tenderizer jar filled with 
fluff that you can sprinkle on your shoulder 
before going out, And keep your eyes open. 


PRecently, 1 spent a good deal of money 
on а pair of black wing tips that I wear 
practically every day. My girlfriend says 
that I shouldn't wear the same shoes two 
days їп a row—something about their 
needing to breathe. If they are really good. 
shoes, shouldn't they be able to take daily 
wear?—B. G., Tampa, Florida. 

Sorry—leather shoes should not be worn 
day afier day. Youll save yourself money in 
the long run by investing in a few pairs of 
good shoes and rotating them. Your girlfriend 
is right; leather does have to breathe. As a 
shin, it traps moisture and needs at least a 
day afler being worn to dry out naturally. 
Otherwise, the leather will become moldy and 
will eventually crack. Other tips to make your 
shoes last: Keep them polished, as it will help 
them resist dirt and water. Store them on shoe 
trees to keep theu shape. And always repair 
shoes as needed; worn heels will throw your 
body out of alignment, causing the shoes to 
stretch out of shape. 


V have a unique trick to make guys go 
crazy. You can do this while driving, but 
they may find it distracting, 1, on the other 
hand, find it awesome. Girls, while his 
pants are on, put your mouth on his pants 
where his cock is and slowly blow hot air 
from your mouth. It will reach him a few 


seconds later, and he won't actually know 
what you're doing till it does. 1 guarantee 
that he'll love it. Miss R. E.—Huntington, 
New York. 

One question: Who, exactly, is driving? As 
a rule, we don't do anything behind the wheel 
of a car that isn't allowed at the Indy speed- 
way. Yes, it would prove distracting, but proh- 
ably not for the reason you think. Your 
boyfriend wouldn't wonder what you were do- 
ing, he would just wonder why. 


Wat the heck is this white zinfandel 
that everyone seems to be drinking? Is it a 
new development or an old-timer that sud- 
denly became fashionable? The wine is ob- 
viously pink, so why is it called white? How 
does it differ from blush or rosé wines? 
What accounts for its sudden populari- 
1y2—R. Р, Boston, Massachusetts, 

Youre right about white zinfandels popu- 
larity. It has become far and away the favorite 
California varietal—that is, a wine made 
predominantly from a single grape. The zin- 
fandel grape is not white, however, but a deep 
red. White zinfandel is what wine makers call 
a blanc de noir—white wine made from red 
grapes. Other examples are cabernet blanc 
and blanc de pinot noir. When such wines 
are made from a blend of red grapes, theyre 
often called blush wines. 

Wines color is derived from the grapeskins. 
During the wine-making process for white 
zinfandel and other blush wines, the juice is 
separated from the skins as quickly as possible 
before fermentation. Inevitably, however, a bit 
of the skin color does leach into the juice, 
which accounts for the pale-pink hue. 

White zinfandel and other blush wines 
were developed by California vintners m re- 
sponse lo the rising preference for white wines 
that began in the Seventies. It was a case of 


both giving the public what it wanted and 
making use of the abundance of red grapes 
that had been planted back in the Sixties, 
when red wine was king. White zinfandel has 
the spicy, berryish fruit taste characteristic of 
the zinfandel grape, but its light and often a 
touch sweet and fizzy. It is usually lower in 
alcohol than standard table wines and it's 
meant to be drunk chilled—all qualities that 
endear it to the American palate. 

As to how white zinfandel and other blush 
wines differ from rosés, it’s a matler of degree. 
Rosés have a modicum of grapeskin contact 
during fermentation, which makes them a 
slightly deeper pink than most blushes and 
nudges the taste a bit closer to that of red 
wine. Having said that, many rosés ave virtu- 
ally indistinguishable from blush wines—but 
the latter designation seems to have more ap- 
peal at present. 


IM), wife and 1 married seven years ago 
We were two healthy young 
a positive attitude toward sex. 
We have been faithful and will remain so 
until we die. We are completely turned off 
by sex outside marriage, homosexuality, 
lesbianism, S/M, anal sex and such k 
We would like to see our first X-rated video 
together but do not want to be exposed to 
the above things. Are there any videos that 
can be rented that show ex 
sored sex—but only in the setting of a sen- 
ve love story between a husband and a 
ife, or several vignettes of different cou- 
ples at different stages of life? Here is the 
kind of sex life we enjoy and the kind of 
acts we would like to sce portrayed: fre- 
quent vaginal sex, clothed and unclothed, 
on the way to church, in the cay, in cleva- 
tors, on mountains, in the back yard, etc. 
Wed like to sce not just people under cov- 
ers but actual close-ups of loving newly- 
weds, the wife playfully giving her 
husband fantastic head and swallowing the 
semen, the husband playfully licking his 
young bride’s clitoris and vulva in the back 
of a church. How about a man entering his 
six-month-prcgnant wife from behind as 
they watch in the bedroom mirror, with us, 
the viewers, enjoying a clear view of the en- 


üre scene— passionate, panting man, 
large-bellied wife, the hard pe gin 
and ow? How about a couple 69ing in the 


kitchen while their children play at a 
neighbor's house? How about a wife giving 
her husband a hand job while he talks on 
the phone with his co-worker and tries to 
keep from laughing? These things are tel 
ribly sexy and happen in everyday ma 
riages like ours. I'd enjoy seeing them in 
explicit, up-close X-rated videos—clean, 
no perversity, no filthy language, just well- 
adjusted love, marriage and sex. Can you 
suggest some films for us?—H. P, Sacra- 
mento, Californi: 

Why nol buy a video camera and turn it on 


49 


C...A...N.. O... 
The cologne fol 


чш r fe message is cle 
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PLAYBOY 


52 


yourselves? We're not sure you'll find what 
youre looking for in a video stove. It our ex- 
perience ihat you have to supply the setting of 
a sensitive love story between husband and 
wife—thal an erotic video is something you 
share with your partner because you are com- 
fortable with each other: Don't look for “The 
Cosby Show" without clothes. Still, there are 
some films that are billed as couples films. Ask 
the clerk for his recommendation. Can any of 
our readers suggest their favorite films? We'll 
publish a list of pick his. 


Many ao makers brag about their fac- 
tory corrosionproofing and even offer 
long-term warranties against rust. Docs 
that mean theres no more need for after 
market rust protection?—L. М. Atlanta, 
Georg 

Yes—unless you feel that additional protec- 
tion is worth the price, you live in a high-rust 
area andlor you plan to keep your car beyond 
the corrosion-warranty period. Today's facto- 
Ty rust protection is generally excellent, and 
the confidence each auto maker has in the 
corrosion resistance of his product is reflected 
in those multiyear warranties (a short one, or 
none at all, is a red flag that protection is 
probably minimal). If you live and drive far 
from the seashore, where salt spray can eat a 
car alive, and the so-called Northern snow 
belt, where heavy salt is used to melt winter 
ice, you should have little concern. Even in 
those areas, your car should resist rust at least 
through the corrosion warranty period with 
no extra treatment, especially if it is un- 
damaged and regularly washed, Still wor- 
ried? Go ahead and buy some brand-name 
protection, It doesn't cost much, it will give 
you peace of mind and it may enhance the 
cars resale (or collector) value if you hang on 
to it long enough. 


Í recently met a wonderful lady. I'm 28, 
shes 29, We were watching TV one night 
оп her couch with her legs on my lap. She 
asked me to give her a foot massage to help 
her relax. That seemed to really turn her 
on quickly. She then asked me if 1 would 
start licking her feet and sucking her tocs. 
Much to my surprise, I actually liked do- 
ing this. She started to get really hot and 
excited. We found ourselves on the floor, 
lying on our backs opposite cach other, 
head to foot. She unzipped my pants and 
started to masturbate me with one foot 
while I was sucking and kissing her other 
foot. I loved it. It felt fantastic. She said no 
опе else would do this to her. Now I'm con- 
fused. Is this normal? Do I have a foot 
fetish? Does she?—C. S., Akron, Ohio. 

No. You just have—are you ready for 
this? —responsive feet. It sounds like a name 
for a dance band, doesn't й? You and your 
girlfriend show a healthy exploratory interest 
in new forms of pleasuring. A foot fetishist, 
on the other hand, gets pleasure from only 
one thing As long as you don’t limit yourself 
1o this form of safe sex, you're OK. 


Dam a 98-year-old male. 1 work for 
a small-to-medium-sized family-owned 


building-supply business. My Father. who is 
also my boss, docs not approve of my dress. 
He says that 1 do not conform to society 
nd therefore cannot hope to be a success 
in our business. Í am writing to Playboy to 
get the national view on the subject of the 
everyday-businessmans wardrobe. 1 we: 
my pants pegged to a 16- or 17-inch cuff, 
and my ties are two inches at the widest 
part. My father maintains that all business- 
men wear cuffs on their pants at least 20 
inches around and three inches or 
wider. Is society still so rigid that a man 
cannot wear the clothes in which he feels 
comfortable? Is my father correct? Am 1 
out here on the trailing edge of fashion by 
myself?—E. B., Durham, North Carolina. 

Sorry to disappoint you, but the answers to 
your questions appear to be a case of father 
knows best, According to our fashion experts, 
dress pants should have a natural taper from 
the waist to the ankle. A man with a waist size 
between 30 and 34 inches might wear a cuff 
between 18 and 19% inches around. With 
а bigger waistline, the cuff size would vary 
proportionately. The width of the bottom of 
the trousers should cover almost three fourths 
of the shoe. As for lies, they should be propor 
tionate to the width of the lapel. With wider 
lapels coming back in vogue, three- to three- 
and-one-half-inch-wide ties are їп style 
again. Your father appears to know his busi- 
ness fashion. However, we respect your vieu- 
pomi—and feel that you should wear clothes 
т which you are comfortable, provided they 
look good on you. Your fathers judgment of 
you seems lo us a bit too harsh, and if it’s im- 
portant to you to dress Ihe way you prefer, 
maybe you should consider making a break 
from the family business. 


Thad o reply to your erotic-tool-kit in- 
quiry (The Playboy Advisor, August). My 
case of accessories is about as comprehen- 
sive as possible. I met my lover six years 
ago. Both of us are middle-aged and mar- 
ried to beautiful people who nevertheless 
are sexually indifferent. We clicked over 
coffee and, in the space of one wonderful 
eclectic morning, decided to sample every 
facet of our wide and varied fantasies. Un- 
fortunately, our intimate time together is 
usually not more than one afternoon a 
week, but, oh, what an action-pa 
event. The tool kit started out as an 
overnight shoulder bag. It has now grown 
into a large attaché c; that seems 10 
weigh a ton. I wont regale your readers 
h the complete inventory of 154 items, 
but let me list some of the highlights. The 
tool kit contains every form of transparent 
panty and body stocking, corset, whispies 
and waspies, French cut-out bras, garter 
belts and crotchless undies. There are 
wigs, gloves and patent-leather boots. a 
feather duster and a cowhide whip. There 
are body paints, bath oils, plastic pegs with 
carefully stretched springs (nipples can 
stand only so much pain), a black mask, 
dildos in three sizes, a hard-rubber vibrat- 


ing butterfly, which has s 
ed in favor of the single and double 
vibrating eggs (the latter often slip into 
i red pockets in a black bra 
serted anally and vaginally 
simultaneously). Then there is menthol 
shaving cream and lip balm for the nip- 
ples. We even have a tiny brush and comb 
for pubic grooming. Oh, yes, and there is 
my cock ring. which she makes me wear 
along with my wet-look bikini with the 
cock hole when I'm face down on the rub- 
her sheet. There is also petroleum jelly 
and massage cream, rubber panties, a dog 
colli nd handcuffs, ben-wa balls and anal 
beads. I know that when we open the kit 
next Wednesday, there'll be something 1 
forgot to report. I'm always a three-umer 
in that many hours, and for a guy pushing 
60, you have to agree that that ain't half 
bad.—W. H., Los Angeles, California, 
What, no condoms? We hope you tip Ihe 


bellboy well. 


М, wife and 1 are pondering different 
birth-control strategies. I'm against doing 
anything irrevocable. Can a vasectomy be 
reversed?— T. O., San Diego, California. 

According to an article m "Medical As- 
pects of Human Sexuality,” “Approximately 
ten percent of vasectomy patients request a ve- 
versal of the procedure at some later time. 
Typically, the patient has undergone vasecto- 
my after having had several children with his 
first wife but then remarries a young woman 
with whom he wants to start a second family. 
The surgical success rate (sperm present in 
the ejaculate) is about 90 percent; the fertility 
тше for these couples, however, ranges from 
only 40 percent to 70 percent, which is sig- 
nificantly lower than the 85 percent reported 
for normal couples. This decrease in fertility 
may be due to the development of sperm anti- 
bodies, damage to the deferential nerve, 
epididymal extravasation or testicular 
changes. . . . Positive prognostic factors for 
vasectomy reversal include a relatively short 
interval between vasectomy and reversal (best 
results occur if done less than ten years fol- 
lowing vasectomy), a finding of sperm granu- 
lomata at the vasectomy site and the presence 
of intravasal sperm at the time of the opera 
tion.” Almost 300,000 vasectomics are per 
formed cach year, making this the most 
popular form of male contraception. Discuss 
the alternatives with your doctor. 


All reasonable questioms—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sportscars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


Pierre Cardin belts, jewelry and personal leather goods 
for men are distributed exclusively in the U.S.A, by SWANK, INC. 


BURDINES 


iby i il kro of [ty Labonte Vin Gogh атш) & thë piperi of The Brunn Archos 


Hadvan G 


Before the turn of the century, the 
human ear wasrit accorded the respect it 


is today Then two rather important devel- 


opments came to pass: 

First, conversation grew more intelli- 
gent. Next, a fellow by the name of Avery 
Fisher assembled the world’s first high- 
fidelity audio system. 

That system, for your information, 
now resides in the Smithsonian. But the 
ingenuity that landed it there can easily 
be found today—in a complete line of 
Fisher audio component systems that are 
designed to fit any kind of room. And 
every kind of budget 

The Fisher trademark is a system that 
performs flawlessly as а unit—not by 
some quirk of fate, but by precise andde- 
liberate planning. 

As you might imagine, delivering 
that level of performance demands our 
taking some extraordinary measures. 

Like refusing to compromise In fact, 
the Fisher standard of quality is enforced 
relentlessly for every component, atevery 
stage of its development 

Ofcourse, were only human. But at 
Fisher, we've always considered that our 
greatest resource. Our keen sense of 
ergonomics was developed long before 
the word came into vogue. Thats some- 
thing you'll appreciate in the placement 
ofevery control. In the feel of every 
button or slider And in the features we've 
thought to provide. 

Just look at our System 8855D Its 
five-disc CD changer technology wasn't 
developed merely to please lab test 
equipment (though it does, handily). It 
was designed to please the human ear— 
and human nature—with such features 
as introscan and random programming. 

The system includes adouble cassette 


owned a Fish 
he . tho 5 


ught twice. 


deck with high-speed dubbing and a semi- 
automatic turntable. Which, along with 
the CD, are integrated with a 14-band 
graphic equalizer, to customize the sound 
to your exact environment 

As for amplification, the system offers 
enormous power—150 watts per channel. 
But every bit as important, меме given it 
speakers (with 15-inch woofers) that are 
up to the challenge. 

Our System 8855D also offers Dolby® 
Surround Sound, allowing you to ex- 
perience music as if you were sittingina 
stadium or concert hall 

It even comes witha programmable 
remote control that can learn hundreds of 
commands for just about any remote- 
controlled component. So you can change 
your music or video as easily as you 
change your mind. 

But at this point its best to concentrate 
on making up your mind. 

So we suggest an ear-opening visit to 
your nearest authorized Fisher dealer. 

The sound alone should convince you 
to choose a Fisher system. 

Without a second thought. 


`. When you really get itall together. - 


“ 


IA 


ПРОБ 


Last month, we published “Kansas Сиу 
Con,” a reprint of an article by the Rever- 
end John M. Swomley, Jr, first published 
in Christian Century. Reverend Swom- 
ley questioned the ethics of the antiporn 


By Chris Cooper 

We at the Coalition Against 
Pornography, Kansas City 
PKC). sponsors of the 
STOP campaign, dont claim to 


THE PLA Y BOY FORUM 
ANATOMY OF AN ANTIPORN CRUSADE 


MOONE the debate continues ЕНШЕ 


movement STOP (Stand Together Oppos 
ing Pornography) and challenged its use 
of facts. When the article originally ap- 
peared, it precipitated a debate that spilled 
over onto the pages of The St. Louis 


Journalism Review, Below are reprints of 
а response by Chris Cooper, executive di- 
rector of STOP, and Swomleys rebultal. 
Together, they show how truth can be used 
and abused. 


campaign is designed to raise 
the public awareness about a 
problem that we believe is tak- 
ing a heavy toll on our society. 
Advertising is a key factor in 


be perfes nd we try to be as 
accurate as possible 
of the facis. I'm glad John M. Swom 
Jr, wrote his article, because it gives us 
an opportunity to clear up some of the 
distortions that have been spre: 
the hard-core-porn industry and the 
STOP campaign. Swomley’s article con- 
tains 15 statements that are false or 
misleading. 

First, the reader needs to understand 
that Swomley is on be 
and the national American 
Libe: Union (A. 
board—an organizati 
on public record as san 
no form of pornography, 
ing child pornography, should be 
restricted in its sale or distribu- 
ion. Not only does the US 
Supreme Court disagree with 
his radical view but a 1986 
llup Poll shows that only three 
percent of the American public 
agrees with the ACLU. on this 
issue. 

The purpose of CAP-K.C. is to 
ll for the enforcement of our 
laws against child pornography 
and hard-core, violent and de- 
grading obscenity. 

In 1973, Chief Justi 
Burger, in the Miller vs. Califor- 
та . said, “This much has 
been categorically determined 
that obscenit not protected by 
the First Amendment. . . . lo 
equate the free and robust exch: 
ideas with the commercial exploitati 
of obscenity is demeaning to the gr 
conception of the First Amendme 

nd damaging to the historic battle for 
‚dom. 

Obscenity is a legal dehnition for ma- 
terial that is not speech at all, but rather 
a surrogate of sex. 

While the court guarantees the right 
of the local community to maintain a 


loca 
ivi 


e Warren 


decent society, it also puts the burden 
on the local community to draw the line 
as to what is and is not obscene, 

Since Swomley doesnt agrec with our 
position, he would feel that we were ex 
cessive if we spent one dollar on the 
campaign. In many of his points, he 
is straining at gnats in an effort to di- 
vert the issue from the real problem. 
which is the large numbers of people's 


AUDAX 


<= Stop the bus; I want to get off! Chris Cooper 7 > 
¿% stands in front of a Kansas City antiporn ad. 1-7, 


ing destroyed by this industry: 
If he is so concerned about the money 
t more than 4,000 Kansas Citians 
ted to call for enforcement of the 
shouldn't he be more concerned 
ard-core pornographi 
more out of Kansas City every week 
than the entire cost of the STOP c; 
paign? 

Much like “Say no to drugs” or Moth- 
ers Against Drunk Driving, the STOP 


LIN ASS eI INSIDE reaffirmed a 1970 study th 


that educational process. The 
use of an agency, which Swomley criti- 
cizes, is not only a common practice in 
nonprofit organizations but its assist- 
ance helped us avoid additional staff 
expenses. Furthermore, our salari 
which Swomley condemns, are in line 
with other local nonprofit organiza- 
tions. 

Swomley implies that there is very 
litle problem with hard-core pornog- 
raphy in Kansas City As of Jan- 
чагу 1988, at least 131 Kansas 
City-area stores still distributed 
X-rated movies. At least 88 of 
those stores carry specific titles 
that have been found obscene in 
other parts of the country. In 
most cases today, an X rating is 
an advertisement that the movie 
contains penetration, clearly vis 
ble, and ultimate sexual acts as 
defined һу our state laws and is 
subject to obscenity prosecution. 
Themes of these movies com- 
monly include rape, incest, 
sodomy, implied child molesta- 
tion, sadomasochism and other 
perversions. 

And who are the consumers of 
this material? À 1985 study 
sug- 
gests 12-10-7-ycar-old children 
are a major consumer group of 
sexually explicit films. Still an- 
other study by Dr. Jennings 
Bryant showed that the average 
teenage girl is 13 and a half years old 
when first exposed to hard-core 
pornography: In one third of the cases, 
ihe person who exposes her is her 
boyfriend on a date. 

Alberta Seigal, a professor at Stan- 
lord University, said ú only takes 20 
years for a society to become totally bar- 
baric, because that is how long it takes 
lor us to teach our children about our 
methods of customs and interpersonal 


57 


relationships. And what are we teachi 
them? That rape, sodomy, incest, implied 
child molestation and other perversions 
are not only accepted forms of public en- 
tertainment but that they are necessary 
to our fulfillment and happiness. 

Swomley wants us to believe you can't 
get child porn here and that its not a 
problem. Our local U.S. postal inspector, 
Laura Stewart, disagrees. She has a list of 
600 suspected child-porn users in west- 
ern Missouri and Kansas, and she is cur- 
rently working on about 60 active cases. 
‘The number of open child-porn cases is 
up 38 percent since 1984, and arrests are 
up 266 percent across the country. In 
most of these cases, profit is not the mo- 
tive—only lust. 

Swomley scoffs at the idea that crime 
rates would go down if porno bookstores 
were closed. But would he be sur- 


average of seven years from the first oc- 
currence. 

Swomley’s criticism of the Attorney 
General's Commission on Pornography 
as being purposefully stacked is the same 
tired old argument that has been spread 
by the pornographers and the A.C.L.U. 
since before the final report was re- 
leased. However, even Penthouse maga- 
zine, in its August 1986 issue, provided 
strong evidence that the commission 
was not stacked at all. 

Also, Swomley claims there is no evi- 
dence that pornography affecıs the way 
we act. He apparently overlooked the 
commissions conclusions on the harm of 
violent and degrading pornography: 
“None of us has the least doubt that sexu- 
al violence is harmful, and that general 
acceptance of the view that ‘no’ means 


standard-fare heterosexual pornogra- 


survey taken in Womens Day 

ıe by Commissioner Ellen Le- 
vine, women voted eight to one that 
pornography “encourages violence 
against women” and “one in four reports 
a personal experience linking sexual 
abuse to pornography." 

I refer any open-minded person to the 
book Pornography, a Human Trag- 
edy, edited by Tom Minnery, which dis- 
cusses many of the al studies that 
have been done in this field. For example, 
Dr. Zillman and Dr. Bryant concluded aft- 
er their studies on the effect of pornogra- 
phy on our values that exposure to 
pornography clearly makes people more 
likely to believe that: 

* the greatest sexual joy comes from 

sex without enduring commit- 


prised if the crime rate increased 
in his neighborhood if a 24-hour 
sex shop were to open up next 
door to his house? All of a sudden, 
prostitutes would appear to service 
the customers. ‘The prostitutes 
bring drug abuse and other relat- 
ed vice crimes. 

Before the seven porno book- 
stores in Chattanooga, Tennessee, 
were closed down as public nui- 
sances, the police made 601 arrests 
inside these places in a six-month 
period. We have more than ten of 
these pornographic shops in the 
Kansas City area. If for no other 
reason, they should be closed 
down for the danger of the spread 
of AIDS in the peep-show 
booths—a disease that will cost 
taxpayers $150,000 per case to 
treat. 

The STOP campaign is criti- 
cized for using what is called anec- 
dotal evidence. Таке the case of 
Richard Smith, here in Kansas City, who 
was addicted to hard-core sadomaso- 
chistic pornography When his wife 
refused to submit to his torture, she al- 
lowed him to bring in another girl, who 
he ended up murdering 


ten-year-old brothers brought in hard- 
core pornography when she was five 
years old and imitated what they saw in 
the magazine by tying her up and raping 
her with а pop bottle. Throughout her 
childhood, pornography was openly dis- 
played in their house, 

The list goes on and on. How many 
anecdotes does Swomley need before he 
agrees that we have a problem? 

Today, the FBI tells us one in four girls 
and one in five boys will be sexually mo- 
lested by the age of 16. The average child 
does not tell us of that incident for an 


‘yes’ is a consequence of the most serious 
proportions. We have found a causal rela- 
tionship between sexually explicit mate- 
rials featuring violence and these 
consequences, and thus conclude that the 
class of such materials, although not nec- 
essarily every individual member of that 
class, is, on the whole, harmful to soci- 
eu" 

On the topic of nonviolent but degrad- 
ing material, the commission concluded, 
“We feel confident as well in concluding 
that degrading material bears a causal 
relationship to the view that women 
ought to subordinate their own desires 
and beings to the sexual satisfaction of 
men.” With regard to the pervasiveness 
of this degrading material, they said, “If 
anything, it constitutes somewhere be- 
tween the predominant and the over- 
whelming portion of what is currently 


ment; 

* partners expect each other to 
be unfaithful; 

* опе suffers health risks in re- 
pressing sexual urges; 

* promiscuity is natural; 

«children (especially girls) are 
liabilities and handicaps. 

In their claim that there is no ev- 
idence that pornography causes 
sexual violence, the pornogra- 
phers and their defenders totally 
ignore the findings of Dr. Abel at 
Emory University and Dr. Mar- 
shall at Queens University in On- 
tario in their detailed six- 
study of 89 sex offenders. 
study suggests that a substantial 
number of rapists may be using 
the pornography to start the proc- 
ess that triggers the crime. 

Father Bruce Ritter, founder of 
Covenant House in New York City, 
which has taken in thousands of 
runaway children, says, "I cannot 
tolerate the intellectual dishonesty of 
those who claim that there is no harm 
from the pornography industry.” 

The entire advertising industry is 
based on the fact that what we see can 
affect the way we act. And yet the 
pornographers and a handful of people 
like Swornley would tell you that the ex- 
posure of hard-core pornography in the 
past 20 years has nothing to do with the 
rise in promiscuity, the 1,100,000 teenage 
pregnancies last year or the more than 
12,000,000 new cases of sexually trans- 
mitted diseases in 1987. 

Are there really only 2000 pedo- 
philes in the U.S., as Swomley contends? 
That would be bad enough, considering 
that a study at Emory University of 403 
pedophiles showed that they had moles 
ed a total of 67,000 children. But the 
combined total membership of the North 


American Man Boy Love Association 
(NAMBLA) and the Rene Guyon Society 
is estimated at 25,000. These two organi- 
zations arc calling for removal of all laws 
restricting consensual sexual behavi 
regardless of the age or sex of the partici 
раш». 

Swomley claims that STOP is trying to 
“seduce and deceive” the church. But we 
believe the church has little concern for 
some nonexistent rights of the pornogra- 
phers and much concern for the 5800 
children who reportedly were sexually 
abused last year in Kansas and Missou 
or the 15 to 20 percent of college coeds 
who are raped (of whom only five per- 
cent report it); or the parents whose kids 
unknowingly charged $80 worth of dial- 
a-porn calls to their phone bill; or the 
families of the 157 boys who died of auto- 
erotica techniques described in the por- 


By the Reverend John M. 
Swomley, Jr. 

1 have no interest in defending 
pornography as such, but I have 
a great interest in defending free 
speech and expression, As read- 
ers will note, the article by Chris Cooper, 
STOP's director, advocates censorship by 
closing adult bookstores, preventing the 
rental or sale of X-rated video cassettes 
and passing laws against obscenity, which 
he equates with sexually explicit material. 

The STOP campaign was unethical for 
these reasons: It attributed false state- 
ments to its opponents; it made claims 
that it did not and could not document 
when challenged; it made assertions that 
were not accurate; it used omissions, dis- 
tortions and innuendo to make a point; 
and it relied on anecdotes instead of 
demonstrating a causal relationship be- 
tween sexually explicit literature and sex- 
ual violence. 

Cooper's article, which purports to be 
a rebuttal of mine, attributes statements 
to me that never appeared in my article. 
For example, Cooper writes, “The use of 
an [advertising] agency, which Swomley 
criticized, is . . . а common practice in 
nonprofit organizations. . . ." No refer- 
ence to an advertising agency appeared 
in my article. He also writes, “Further- 
more, our salaries, which Swomley con- 
demned, are in line with other local 
nonprofit organizations.” My only refer- 
ence to salaries was this: “Thirteen thou- 
sand (out of 1,500,000) people in the 
metropolitan area donated $425,000 
during 1987, which paid staff salaries, ad- 
vertising and promotional materials.” 

Cooper also writes, “Swomley's criti- 


nographic magazines; or the men ad- 
dicted to hard-core pornography whose 
lives have been ruined; or the families 
whose children find their mailboxes 
filled with unsolicited and highly offen- 
sive ads for obscene material. All of these 
people are anecdotes to Swomley. 

Seventy-four percent of the people in 
the Kansas City area think violent depic- 
tions of sex сап lead some people to com- 
mit sex crimes. Seventy-nine percent of 
the people don't want hard-core por 
sold in their neighborhoods and 72 per- 
cent don't want it sold in their city or 
state. 

At CAP-K.C., we don't want to be the 
ones to say what is or is not acceptable. 
“That is the right of the local community, 
as guaranteed by the U.S. Supreme 
Court and our legislatures, All we are 
asking is that the people in our commu- 


cism of the Auorney Generals Commis- 
sion on Pornography as being purpose- 
fully stacked is the same tired old 
argument that has been spread by the 
pornographers. .. ." However, my article 
made no mention whatever of the com- 
position of the Meese commission or of 
its being “purposefully stacked.” Cooper 
adds, “Swomley claims that STOP is try- 
ing to ‘seduce and deceive’ the church.” 
The words seduce and deceive are not in 
my article. 

The above false statements may not 
have been intended to mislead readers 
who do not have my article in front of 
them, as I do. They are, however, illustra- 
tions of the carelessness with which the 
campaign deals with the printed word. 

The second unethical aspect of STOP 
is the making of claims that are not 
and cannot be documented. For exam- 
ple, Cooper, in his “response,” says that 
“hard-core pornographers take more out 
of Kansas City every week than the en- 
tire cost of the STOP campaign.” That 
would be convincing if he could iden- 
tify the hard-core pornographers or 
provide amounts of their incomes or 
demonstrate that the money goes to 
someplace outside Kansas City. Cooper 
also says, “Swomley implies that there 
is very litte problem with hard-core 
pornography in Kansas City.” I did not 
imply. 1 quoted a police investigator who 
had come to that conclusion and a news- 


оо иШ 7/7 


nities be given the right to draw the line 
on obscenity through jury decisions. Let's 
simply have the laws enforced. 

That is not a radical position. The rad- 
ical position would be to say, “Do not en- 
force the laws; but instead, protect the 
rights of the pornographers while ignor- 
ing the plight of the innocent victims.” 

AtCAP-K.C., we believe a reduction in 
hard-core-pornography ribution will 
have an important, post impact on 
the quality of life and public safety in the 
greater Kansas City area. 

If, by chance, CAP-K.C. helps keep just 
one Kansas City child from being molest- 
ed, or stops one girl from being raped, or 
helps just one man break free from the 
addiction to pornography and save his 
marriage and family, then I believe it was 
worth every penny and all the effort. 


paper editor who had personally 
investigated the ten “hard-core 
stores” to which Cooper had re- 
ferred him. The editor, who was 
an original sponsor of STOP 
withdrew from it and publicly 
charged Cooper with misleading hin. 
Cooper also refers to 88 Kansas City 
stores that “carry specific titles that have 
been found obscene in other parts of the 
country.” Where and by whom were they 
found obscene? Was it by some court or 
by some “legion of decency,” and what 
standards were applied? ‘To my knowl- 
edge, there have been no arrests or con- 
victions for obscenity in Kansas City 
since STOP got. under way Cooper 
doesn't even claim that he viewed these 
video cassettes and found them obscene. 
Coopers general statement that an X 
rating is an advertisement that the movie 
contains “penetration clearly visible” 
needs more documentation. However, if 
he is corgect in some instances, is that 
justification for stores’ not renting video 
cassettes to adults for their private view- 
ing? He wants these video tapes cen- 
sored, not because of any clear and 
present danger they pose in Kansas City 
but because he claims that “themes of 
these movies commonly include rape, in- 
cest, sodomy, implied child molestation, 
sadomasochism and other perversions.” 
Are these movies descriptive of what 
takes place in our society or are they i 
structive in what ought to take plac 
He doesn't say, because he is generalizing 
without analysis. 


Cooper refers to a 1985 study that 
“suggests 12-to-I7-year-old children are 
major consumers of sexually explicit 


59 


| . . — 


films," but he doesnt identify the study 
so that it can be examined by the read 
Actually, the study to which he refers is 
set forth in the Meese commission report 
with the following introduction: “These 
results should be viewed with caution be- 
cause of the small numbers in this age 
group.” The study itself shows that 32 
percent of those 12-t0-17-year-olds never 
viewed sexually explicit videos; 22 per- 
cent did so once or twice a year and 37 
percent did so once a month or more. Do 
these figures and the Meese commission's 
caution fit Cooper's claim that "children 
are a major consumer of sexually explicit 
films"? 

Cooper relers to a study by Dr. Jen- 
nings Bryant and to various other studies 
but does not tell where they are available 
or who published them. In Kansas City, 
he has made various claims about 
studies, but when challenged to 
produce them or to indicate where 
they can be found so that they can 
be analyzed, he has failed to docu- 
ment them. One such public chal- 
lenge, issued by Dr. Richard Gist, 
a psychologist, more than six 
months ago and subsequently re- 
newed, has elicited no response 
from Cooper. 

Another illustration of undocu: 
mented studies in Cooper's article 
is this: “Today, the FBI tells us that 
one in four girls and one in five 
boys will be sexually molested by 
the age of 16,” Was this one FBI 
agent talking to him or a scientific 
study made by the organization? If 
it was a study, how can we locate it 
to analyze u? Is it a projection 
based on a previous year or years 
of national statistics or on a local 
situation? In any event, Cooper 
implies but does not state that the 
FBI connected sexually explicit lit- 
erature with such anticipated mo- 
lestation. 

The Cooper article also provides inac- 
curate or misleading information. For ex- 
ample, he writes, “Are there really only 
2000 pedophiles in the U.S., as Swomley 
contends?" I did not make that statement 
but quoted from a 1986 report of the U.S. 
Senate Permanent Investigating Sub- 
committee as follows: “The membership 
in known pedophile support groups in 
the United States is probably less than 
2000." In commenting on this, Cooper 
an unideutified Emory Univ 
Who made the study? Where 
has it been published so that we can ve 
fy its findings 

In his rebuttal, Cooper refers to 5800 
children who reportedly were sexually 
abused last year in Kansas and Missouri. 
Where did the report appear? Were they 


abused by their own parents or by ош- 
siders? What is the connection between 
such child abuse and pornography? He 
does not and cannot make such a connec- 
tion. 

Cooper, in trying to refute my state- 
ments that “law-enforcement officers 
state that child pornography is essential- 
ly unavailable in Kansas City” and that 
STOP has used that issue as the core of 
its fund-raising, writes the following: 
"Our local U.S. postal inspector . . . has a 
list of 600 suspected child-porn users in 
western Missouri and Kansas. That 
list was presumably used by the inspector 
and the U.S. Customs Service in a sting 
operation wherein advertisements offer- 
ing child pornography were sent to sus- 
pects. What Cooper concealed were the 
results, published in the February 12 


Some 


Kansas City Times, that two western Mis- 
souri residents were all who 


ing children engaged 
of "160 persons across the country.” 
Another illustration of unethical ad- 
vertising in the STOP campaign is the 
use of omissions, distortion nd innuen- 
do to make a point. These have been evi 
dent in some of my earlier comments but 
are also evident in the following. Cooper 
writes, “Swomley scoffs at the idea that 
crime rates would go down if porno 
bookstores were closed." Cooper, many 
times in his “response,” puts words in my 
mouth, In this case, he attributes to me 
the state из of others. I did not scoff 
but merely reported that STOP had 
aimed that a Cincinnati neighbor- 
hood where adult bookstores and X-rat- 


ed theaters were closed, there was an 83 
percent decrease in major crimes” and 
that the Cincinnati Housing Develop- 
ment chief and the police had denied the 
claim. STOP. in its propaganda, did not 
mention the full-scale urban renewal in 
the area that had replaced dilapidated 
low-income dwellings with high-rent 
apartments and condominiums. A police 
sergeant, Rick Biehl, said that “a combi- 
nation of things,” including the change 
in the area, led to the crime decrease. 

In his response, Cooper uses the same 
approach with respect to another city, 
perhaps assuming that no one would 
phone that city for details: “Before the 
seven porno bookstores in Chattanooga, 
Tennessee, were closed down as public 
nuisances, the police made 601 arrests in- 
side these places in a six-month period.” 
He does not tell us why so many 
arrests were made, whether there 
were any convictions or whether 
this was police harassment lor po- 
litical reasons, as some local attor- 
neys allege. The adult bookstores 
were padlocked under a public- 
nuisance ordinance, not on ob- 
scenity charges. That ordinance is 
now being challenged in Federal 
court as unconstitutional. Some of 
those arrested. are challenging 
their arrests in city criminal 
courts, but since the penalty is only 
a $25 fine and court costs, some 
have chosen to pay the small fine 
rather than spend time in court 
away from work or face public em- 
barrassment. Cooper does not re- 
veal any of these details in his 
statement. 

In my article, | stated that 
STOP relied almost exclusively on 
anecdotal illustrations of rapists or 
child molesters who had kept 
pornography in their homes.” In 
criticizing that comment, Cooper 
repeats some anecdotes and asks, "How 
many anecdotes does Swomley need be- 
fore he agrees that we have a problem 
The difficulty with anecdotes is that they 
dont prove anything, It is an anecdote to 
say, “My mother had cancer, but after tak- 
ing aspirin three times a day, the cancer 
went y” No causal connection be- 
tween taking aspirin and the elimination 
of cancer is demonstrated, Similarly. the 
possession of pornography is not the 
cause of rape. 

Even the Meese commission acknowl 
edges that an anecdote, or what it calls 
correlational evidence, doesn't prove any 
thing: “Correlational evidence suffers 
from its inability to establish a causal con- 
nection between the correlated phenom 
ena. It is frequently the case that two 
phenomena are positively correlated pre- 


cisely because they are both caused by 
some third phenomenon. . . . It may be 
that some other factor, some sexual or 
emotional imbalance, for example, might 
produce both excessive use of porno- 
graphic materials as well as a tendency to 
commit sex offenses.” There is a cen- 
turies-old fallacy to which Cooper falls 
prey: “post hoc, ergo propler hoc" (alter 
this, therefore because of it). The mere 
fact that one act occurs after another 
does not mean the first act caused the 
second. 

Cooper uses an intel 
propaganda device to conceal his in 
ity to demonstrate any causal connection 
between pornography and crime, prom- 
iscuity pregnancy and disease. He writes, 
“And yet the pornographers and a hand- 
ful of people like Swomley will tell you 
that the exposure of hard-core 
pornography in the past 20 years 
has nothing to do with the rise in 
promiscuity, the 1,100,000 teenage 
pregnancics last year or the more 
than 12,000,000 new cases of sexu- 
ally transmitted diseases in 1987” 
If Cooper has statistics to demon- 
strate that a substantial number of 
couples involved in teenage preg- 
nancies were motivated by pictures 
rather than by physical or sexual 
attraction, he ought t0 give such 
facts. Likewise, if he can de 
strate that sexually tra 
disease is caused by pornography. 
he should cite his facts. 

However, if Cooper were suc- 
cessful in convincing the general 
public and the courts that pe 
raphy is the cause of sexu; 
ancy, it would be possible for 
rapists to blame pornography for 
rape. They could blame book- 
stores and movie producers, and 


the curiosity or appetite of segments of. 
the population, 

Cooper is correct in stating that I am. 
on the national board and western Mis- 
souri board of the American Civil Liber- 
ties Union. The A.C.L.U. is opposed to 
all forms of censorship, including that of 
sexually explicit literature and graphics. 
Since Cooper and the STOP campaign's 
argument with the A.C.L.U. is over cen- 
sorship by Government officials of what 
persons may read or view. they do not 
acknowledge the A.C.L.U. policy with re- 
spect to child pornography: The policy is 
as follows: “The ACU. views the use 
of children in the production of visual 
depictions of sexually explicit conduct as 
a violation of children’s rights when such 
use is highly likely to cause (A) substan- 
tial physical harm or (B) substantial and 


“True believers 
sometimes are 
carried away 
by imaginary 
pictures of their 
opponents.” 


plea bargain to lessen their sen- 
tences by assisting prosecutors to 
prosecute booksellers, theaters and 
video-cassette ог sales stores, 
Cooper is appar is interested in 
fixing parental responsibility for the sex- 
ual offenses of their children. against 
younger children in the home than in 
blaming pictures they have seen: and i 
the case of adults, he seems less interest- 
ed in fixing their personal responsibility 
for crime than in blaming pornography: 
"Io be more concerned with sexual im- 
ages than with sexual acts is comparable 
to the old saying “I didnt do it. The Devil 
made me do it.” The Devil in the form of 
pornography thus contributes to avoid- 
ance ol personal responsibility for one's 
actions. In any event, the advocacy of 
censorship does not necessarily reduce 
the viewing of sexually explicit material 
but may drive it underground and whet 


continuing emotional or psychological 
harm. Government quite properly has 
the means to protect the interests of 
children in these situations by the use 
of criminal prosecution of those per- 
likely 10 cause such harm to 


children. 

A footnote to the policy says that those 
who cause such harm “will usually be 
those who finance the sexually explicit 
depictions, those who procure the chil- 
dren, those who engage in sexual activity 
with children and those who otherwise 
tively contribute on the set of the pro- 
du п. Each situation, however, must be 
examined to determine a specific i 
vidual's participation in the acti! 

The STOP campaign has violated the 
ethical code of the American Association 
of Advertising Agencies, the Association 


of National Advertisers and the Advertis- 
ing Federation of America. That code 
bans "(1) false statements or misleading 
exaggerations; (2) indirect misrepreset 
tation of a product or service through 
distortion of details or their true per- 
spective, either editorially or pictor 
айу... (3) pseudoscientific advertising, 
including claims insufficiently supported 
by accepted authority or that distort the 
true meaning or practicable application 


of a statement by professional or s 


tific authorit 

The A.C.L.U. would defend the rights 
of STOP in its use of speech and publica- 
tion, as well as the rights of those who 
distribute or peruse sexually explicit ma- 
terial. The reason is that the A. U. be- 
lieves that accurate speech and. hence, 
more speech are the antidotes to mislead- 
ing speech, just as the antidote 10 
pornography is the guidance of 
nts and teachers and also the 
criticism of the antipornographers 

1 regret that Cooper, whom I did 
not mention in my artide, has 
made it necessary for me to ana- 
lyze his “rebuttal” and reveal his 
distortions and false statemei 
He is a nice young man who, I am 
told, is a member of a Bible-believ- 
ing church, so his propaganda 
techniques may be out of harmony 
with his true beliefs. True believers. 
sometimes are carried away by 
imaginary pictures of their oppo- 
nents. L hope Cooper will, in the 
rest of his campaign, reaffirm his 
fundamental belief in respect for 
the personality of opponents and 
his belief in the power of persu: 
sion. It is, after all, morc effective 
than relying on governments to 
censor 

My article “Wrongheaded Por- 
nography Campaign," originally 
published in the March ninth 
Christian Century and reprinted in the 
November Playboy as "К. y 
was written for two r 


ials that some peo- 
nd offensive; and, since I have been 
a professor of ethics for 28 years in a the- 
ological school, to expose the unethical 
nature of the Kansas City campaign 
kno IS STOP 
If STOP had confined itself to persu 
ncluding picketing and boycotting, 
accurate rather than misleading adver- 
tising and the urging of enforcement 
of already-cxisting laws against sexual 
harassment, assault, rape, including 
spousal rape, coercion and economic ex- 
tation of women, my article would 
have been unnecessary. 


sion, 


61 


62 


R E 


CHILD PORNOGRAPHY 

Kudos to Lawrence A. Stanley 
for his exposé of the Federal kid- 
die porn sting (“The Child-Por- 
nography Myth," The Playboy 
Forum, September). The fact that 
Government agents mail adver- 
nts for an illegal product, 
solicit orders, deliver the goods 
and then arrest the recipient is 
unbelievable. 

Pedophiles used to have to 
weigh the criminal consequences 
of committing sex crimes against 
the risk-free option of privately 
masturbating to pictures. Now 
the situation is reversed. The le- 
gal and financial resourees that 
state and local governments ex- 
pend to pursue actual molesters 
pale beside the enormous budg- 
ets, unprecedented legal power 
and ayatollahlike fanaticism of 
the Federal picture police. 

Chuck Hammill 
Los Angeles, California 


E R 


FOR THE RECORD 


SOMETIMES 


A DANCE IS JUST A DANCE 


The town of Purdy, Missouri (population 967), 
lost its one claim to fame when a Federal district 
court ruled that its school’s 100-year-old ban on 


dances is unconstitutional. 


Lused to work for the US. Cus- 
toms Service as an inspector. 


One of my many duties was to | acti 


screen incoming mail for por- 
nography—and I never found 
any material involving children 
Stanley's article states that “law- 
enforcement officers and soci 
workers have exploited the issue 
for publicity and promotion.” He 
is 100 percent correct. Most of 
the officers I knew who went along with 
the Government scam did get a pro- 
motion. I left Customs ten months ago, 
because I could no longer tolerate its 
cheap enforcement policies. The child- 
pornography hype is just one of the 
many Customs scams. I could tell you 
some real horror stories about its “war on 
drugs.” Thanks for bringing out the 
truth. 


Gary Wakefield 
Los Angeles, California 


Many thanks for your exposure of the 
appalling child-pornography scam. I 
know an Iowa minister who opposed in- 
fant circumcision and mailed relevant 
material to а woman who expressed in- 
terest in the subject. The woman was 
actually a male undercover agent. Be- 
cause the information contained pictures 
that showed the effect of circumcision on 
children, the minister was indicted for 
being a pedophile. The indicument was 


‘Town leaders had reasoned, “From past history it 
is common knowledge that dancing involves other 
ies that are counterproductive and considered 
unacceptable behavior in the community 
of “other activities"? Drinking alcohol, using drugs 
and getting pregnant, 

The court may also have agreed with 67-year-old 
I | Purdy citizen George Baker: “I've danced a million 
miles and Гуе never once done anything vulgar.” 


dropped. but he'd already spent more 
han $40,000 for legal fees—and his rep- 
utation will never be the same. 

Your readers should demand that their 
legislators do something about this ap- 
palling abuse of Government power. 

John G. Swadey, M.D. 
St. Petersburg, Florida 


It wasn't until | read Stanley's article 
that I realized that I was on the Govern- 
ments hit list. Even though I don't have 
nor have ever ordered any child pornog- 
raphy, I received a mailing from Ponce de 
Leon, S.A., which Stanley says is pub- 
lished by the US. Customs Service. 1 
also received an ofler from a “private” 
source offering to sell me some expen- 
sive videos. I'm willing to bet that that 
was a postal trap, too. Its too bad that 
those people who have been trapped 
didn't have the benefit of reading “The 
Child-Pornography Myth.” 

(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


" The list 


AIDS AND THE LAW 
As Martha A. Field's article 
“AIDS and the Law: Have Sex, 
Go to Jail” (The Playboy Forum. 
August) indicates, the military is 
on the cutting edge of prosecu 
ing its members for the intention- 
al transmission of AIDS. The 
Amy, the Air Force and the 
Navy now require that military 
personnel who test AIDS-posi- 
tive inform their sex partners of 
that fact or face discharge or 
prosecution. Field notes, “As the 
military goes, so goes the na 
tion.” I wonder if that will be true 
case, also. 
G. Butler 
Atlanta, Georgia 


WRITE NOW 
It is time the majority of Amer- 
icans stop letting the Moral Mi- 
nority dictate the laws of this 
country: Write to your Congress- 
men and express your disap- 
proval of the "antipornography" 
bills: Senate Bill S. 2033 and 
House Bill H.R. 3880. 
Joy A. Denton 
Woodland Hills, California 


5.0.5. 

1 would like to respond to your 
“Newsfront” item “Alternative 
A.A.” (The Playboy Forum, Sep- 
tember), in which you discuss 
S.O.S., Secular Organizations for 
Sobriety, as an alterna 


mous.” From my own experience, | know 


that A.A. does not require that its men 
bers believe in God. It uses the phrase 
higher power but lets each individual 
define the term according to his personal 
belief. Гуе always thought my higher 
power was both my group of recove 
alcoholic buddies and the natural 


Bill Hewitt 
Whittier, California 


REVELATORY MARKETING 
There was a Chi п Booksellers 
ention in Dallas recently and the 
vendors were peddling some interesting 
products: Christian low-impact-acrobics 
video tapes; Scripture Cookies (contai 
tead of fortune: 
C books such as 
God—A Biography and Marketing the 


— лып 7 


R ES 


P O 


N 3 E 


Church: What They Never Taught You 
About Church Growth; T-shirts with the 
inscriptions FOR ALL YOU DO. HIS BLOODS 
FOR YOU, OVER 80.000.000 SAVED, JESUS. THE 
CHOICE OF THE LAST GENERATION; and toy 
airplanes with GOD'S LOVE IS EVERYWHERE 
imprinted on the wings. 

I guess you could call these people 
God's propheteers. 


D. Flores 
Dallas, Texas 
PARENTS AGAINST MUSIC 
Parents Music Resource Center 


(PM.R.C.) should change the title behind 
its abbreviation to Puritanical Morons 
Requiring Conformity 


Ray McGinley 
Bastrop, Texas 


8,000,000 в.с. —А DATE TO REMEMBER 

An interesting. discovery about early 
human development has come out of 
herpes research, of all things. Re- 
searchers at the University of Mississippi 
Medical Center have been working on 
the mystery of why a herpes virus com- 
mon in humans includes one strain that 
affects the mouth and another the geni- 
tals. They discovered that the two strains 
descended from a single virus that in- 
fected both the mouth and the genitals 
and is similar to a herpes virus found in 
the great apes. Virologists found that the 
two viruses diverged from the simia 
herpes virus about 8,000,000 years ago— 
about the same time that humans di- 
verged from apes. Researchers wondered 
what had happened in human develop- 
ment to make the virus change and con- 
duded that the reason was mainly a 
difference in stance. 

Primate behavior has always included 
oral-genital contact in sex and in groom- 
ing, because primates walk on all fours 
and their faces are in proximity to the 
genitals of their fellow primates. When 
humans began to walk upright, they 
must have limited their kissing to mouth 
to mouth and their lovemaking to the 
missionary position. Voilà!—two types of 
sexual contact that led to two types of 
herpes. 

All right, maybe this isn’t earth-shak- 
ing, but 1 thought you'd be interested, 
nonetheless. 


H. Stone 
Jackson, Mississippi 


AND JUSTICE FOR ALL? 
1 have a client who pleaded guilty to 
passing two bad checks. It was not the 


first time that she had been caught "pa- 
per hanging,” but she had, in most cases, 
made full restitution. The judge, citing 
her prior record, sentenced her to 40 
years in prison. 

My client is 36 years old and the moth- 
er of four children. This is an outrageous 
sentence for her and for them. Compare 
her punishment with that given to Robert 
Chambers, who admitted to killing Jen- 
nifer Levin. He received only five years. 

Who can stand up for my client against 
this monstrous abuse of judicial power? 1 
can't, nor can she. 

Peter Davies 
Staten Island, New York 


and ethics with human sexualit 


individuals and society alik 


porn 


worth of 976 calls. 
Although some see 


what they dont 
problems? Dial-a-porn 


Ike—virtually еме! 
the culprit. 


bills—and that there are other effect 


dared parts of the bill uncon 
mately be ruled uncons 


The 


willing to pay to hear. 


fundamentalists are in another frenzy— 
this time over dial-a-porn 


Congressman William Dannemeyer called the bill the rejoining of “morality 
Senator Jesse Helms noted that it would 
“keep at bay certain vile and base instincts of our fallen nature for the good of 


What was this momentous legislation? Simply a bill to ban interstate dial-a- 
nd one that will no doubt be found to be unconstitutional. 

Dial-a-porn has been a booming business since the early Eighties—it has also 
been a controversial one. The controversy centers on the fact that some children 
use dial-a-porn as the electronic substitute for looking up dirty words in the 
dictionary—and their parents receive phone bills for hundreds of dollars’ 


в a financial problem, our fanatics see it as a moral 
опе. In typical zealot fashion, they take the simplest possible view and blame 
vthing—on dial-a-porn. Having family 


Two facts the fanatics don't acknowledge are that parents are generally able to 
quell their children's interest in phone sex—by 


using 976 numbers: devices that block the dialing of the 976 prefix and sub- 
scription services available only to those over the age of 18. 

Unfortunately, these sensible approaches to controlling dial-a-porn were pre- 
sented to antismut zealots and rejected. As far as they are concerned, there is 
only one way to control dial-a-porn, and that is to eliminate it. They 
satisfied only when adults are limited to hearing “dial the Easter Bunny” or 
“He-man update.” And they lobbied hard for Congress to tack on the dial-a- 
porn ban toa must-pass education bill. 

The courts have found similar bans to be unconstitutional and several legal 
challenges to the bill have already been initiated. Two courts have already de- 
tional. While the dial-a-porn ban may ulti- 
tional, in the meanti 
and money. They also make me wonder how silly the ban band wagon is going 
to get before it stops. Should we get rid of dial-a-horoscope because of its sup- 
posed demonic influence? Dial-a-prayer because atheists object? 
his that the telephone should be viewed simply as а “common carri- 
er” allowing for the exercise of no editorial judgment by telephone compani 
or governments—or fundamentalists—and carry 


ZERO TOLERANCE 
I recently learned firsthand about the 
stoms У policy of “zero tol- 
erance lost my $12,600 truck to Cus- 
toms because an agent found one tenth 
of one gram of marijuana in the ashtray: 
And I won't get my truck back; Customs 
is going to put it on the auction block. 
Whos to say that the person who buys my 
truck wont be found with vestiges of 
marijuana that Customs overlooked? 
And that the truck won't be confiscated 
again? I'd say that Customs has a pretty 
good money-making venture going. 
Bruce Trigg 
Unalakleet, Alaska 


GAIN 


isting that they pay the phone 
¡ques to prevent children from 


teel 


ill be 


е, the court battles eat up time 


ng any message anyone is 
—BARRY W LYNN 


N E W 


S F R 


голом 


O N T 


whats happening in the sexual and social arenas 


MAN-KILLERS 


A recent study appearing т Behavior 
‘Today challenges the belief that women 
who kill their husbands or lovers do so in 
self-defense. Sociologist Coramae Mann 
studied 296 domestic-homicide cases and 
found that 58 percent of the alleged mur- 
derers claimed. justifiable homicide— but 
only 18 percent were really defending 


themselves. "In many cases, the women 
went and gol a weapon. then returned to 
the fight/murder scene. In several of the 
cases, the man was asleep, and they still 


claimed it was self-defense,” says Mann. 


POOR SPORT 


Dr ros ошон an effort to make her 
husband of six years mare attentive to her, 
a 23-yearold woman played the same 
trick on him that he had once played on 
her—she fabricated a love letter implying 
that she was having an affair with one of 
his friends. The note read, “Your kisses are 
better than his... Гуе liked you from the 
first time | laid eyes on you.” “I knew that 
H would make him jealous,” the wife said, 
“but he just went nuts." Indeed. The hus- 
band has been charged with killing his 
Jriend with a pipe. 


ARMED RESISTANCE 


Several researchers have found that— 
contrary to the opinion of gun-control ad- 
vocales—firearms owned by private 
citizens are a significant factor in crime 


control. A Florida State University crimi- 
nology professor discovered that in 1980, 
more than 1500 felons were legally killed 
by gun-wielding civilians and 8700 were 
nonfatally wounded. Guns were used de- 
Jensively about 1.000.000 times. Mean- 
while, two University of Massachusetts 
professors found no meaningful correla- 
tion between per capita gun ownership 
and the level of criminal violence. They 
discovered that criminals are more appre- 

hensive about confronting armed citizens 
than armed police. A former Manhattan 
assistant attorney observed that police are 
five and a half times more likely to hit in 

nocent bystanders than are civilians. 


FEDS IN A PINCH 


WASHINGTON, DE According lo a те 
cent survey, 42 percent of women working 
for the wernment report that be- 
tween May 1985 and May 1987, they were 
sexually harassed. That is the exact per 
centage of Federal employees who reported 
uul harassment in à survey conducted 
seven years ago. Mast cases of sexual 
harassment involved suggestive: teasing, 
jokes, remarks, questions, looks, gestures, 
touching, leaning aver, cornering or 
pinching, Only 8 percent concerned actu- 
al or attempted. rape or assault, One 
source estimates that the amount of sexual 
harassment in 1985—1987 cost the U. 
taxpayer $267000,000 in lost producti- 
йу and turnover, On the other hand, the 
Equal Employment Opportunity Commis 
sion reported that it received only 436 
official complaints of sexual harassment 
from the 2,100,000 Government em- 
ployees in 1985. "Apparently, most people 
didn't take it seriously enough to report il,” 
said a spokesman for the Office of Person- 
nel Management 


ABORTION’S DAY IN COURT 


st rovis—A Federal appeals court 
lacked with President Reagan appointees 
upheld a Minnesota law vequirme that 
women under the age of 18 notify both 
parents—even if the parents are divorced 
or separated or the father has deserted the 
family—before obtaining an abortion. 
The court allowed that because the minor 
can also appeal to a state judge and re- 
cetve judicial permission to abort, she is 
not unconstitutionally burdened, 

cincinnati—A_ Federal appeals court 
found an Ohio abortion law to be uncon- 


stilutional, That law required that doctors 
notify the parents before performing abor- 
tions on unmarried minors. The court 
found that the law infringed on womens 
constitutional rights, 


WHY THEY CALL IF DOPE 


NEW VORK—Injecling cocaine into the 
penis may be the worst way yet to enhance 
sexual pleasure. A 34-year-old man expe- 
rienced priapism and an inability to uri- 
nate as а result of pumping cocaine into 
his urethra prior lo intercourse. Despite 
extensive medical treatment, complica- 
tions such as severe subcutaneous bleed- 
ing forced doctors to amputate both of the 
man's lower legs and nine of his fingers 


THE SIX-BILLION-DOLLAR MAN 


Los ANGELES—A California appellate 
court made history recently by ruling that 
a person has a “property interest” in his 
blood and tissue and, thus, is entitled to 
sue for the profits from their sale. The rul 
ing reinstated a lawsuit by a 43-year-old 


former leukemia patient against the 


UCLA Medical Center. The man claims 


that researchers profited from developing 
and patenting a cell line from his blood. 
which he says has unique properties This 
cell Ime can be used to produce a drug 
that may eventually help treat cancer and 
AIDS and, hıs attorney contends, will be 
worth billions of dollars 


The upwardly mobile. 


нү. JOHNNIE WALKER BLACK LABEL 12 YEAR OLD BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY, 43.4% Ale/Vol (86.8°). 


©1988 SCHIEFFELIN & SOMERSET CO. NY., 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: 


CHER 


a candid conversation with the woman. of the year: the campy, vampy, 
straight-shooting, weight-lifting, oscar-winning, never-boring megastar 


If you stayed home to watch TV one hypo 
thetical evening in April 1988, and somebody 
told you to catch a certain entertainer with a 
single name and a phologenic navel, you 
might have caught these glimpses of her— 
erious actress in three movies 
Suspect”) playing 
on various cable channels—dick!—as Ihe 
campy, vampy video star of her own rock sin- 
gle on MTV—click!—as the Vampirellalike 
püchwoman for a line of health spas— 
lick! —and hold —as she takes Best Actress 
оп the Academy Awards show, brandishing 
her Oscar and smiling a can-you-believe-this- 
shit grin, and—click!—a bit later, wearing 
а dress made of several sequins, appearing on 
“Late Night with David Letterman’ for a re- 
union sing-along with her former husband 
and partner: 

Thats not counting radio broadcasts, 
newspapers, tabloids and, it seems, the cover 
of every magazine im the civilized world, save 
Field & Stream. Within, she was variously 
described as being pregnant, minus two ribs 
to improve her shape or bailing out her 
boyfriend, whose Ferran, reportedly, had 
made straight for a pesky paparazzo. And 
that was all in a period of a few months. Who 
was that tattooed lady? We don't know who 
Times Man or Woman of the Year will be, 
but our choice—if you count gutsiness, verve 


Ë 
E 


“I was falling into a pattern of being with 
younger guys, but | didn't want to be seen as a 
cradle robber. Also, 1 have never really appre- 
ciated men who change women like cans of 
soup. Í thought, Was that potentially me?” 


and talent—is the often bejeaned, sometimes 
befeathered, always becoming superstar 
known as Cher: 

H has not always been thus. Thirteen years 
ago, when Playboy interviewed Cher for the 
first lime, she was seen as a one-dimensional 
“entertainer” on TV. Today, shes an actress 
paired with and compared lo Meryl Streep. 

But whatever her current showbiz fling— 
be it records, television, Las Vegas, Broad- 
way, motion pictures—Ie remarkable thing 
is that she does it well. All along, she has 
seemed to survive the flying shrapnel of the 
celebrity war zone, emerging preity much un- 
scathed. For, in the delicately balanced Holly- 
wood ecosystem, she ix опе of the hardiest 
organisms, evolving with ncar-Darwinian 
tenacity, each new Cher fitter for survival 
than the last. 

Before she recycled herself into this present 
shining incarnation—prior to any of the in- 
carnations, for that matter—Cher had taken 
her share of lumps. Born Cherilyn Sarkesian 
on May 20, 1946, her childhood years were 
uncommonly rocky. Her mother was married 
eight Limes—thice of them to Сет father, a 
heroin addict and frequent resident of the 
jailhouse. Constantly readjusting herself to 
the familys ever-changing emotional and 
financial states (to this day, she maintains 
that her childhood poverty ignited her pas- 


7 


“I got to be tough because 1 had to be. 1 dont 
go around kicking anybody in the balls: 1 just 
go around doing my thing Me, I'm a mirror 
image of whoever I'm with. Mostly, I'm easy- 
going But 1 don't take shit.” 


sion for shopping), she eventually escaped the 
turbulence at the age of 16, when she dropped 
ош of school, simplified her name and hooked 
up with a man named Sonny Bono, 12 years 
her senior, who married her and swept her in 
to a career in show business. 

For 11 years, Sonny and Chers act held the 
attention of its audience—first the countless 
bell-bottomed youngsters with a predilection 
for bubble-gum music, then the millions of 
middle Americans who enjoyed watching the 
couples marital patter and antics on TV. But 
in 1975, lired of the act and of the marriage, 
Cher went her own way, Maintaining her 
television, recording and club careers, she 
simultaneously struck up a new bond with the 
press, which gleefully tracked. her every 
bizarre move—especially her stormy two-year 
marriage to rock star Gregg Allman 

In 1977—now a two-time divorcee and a 
showbiz veteran at the ripe age of 31—she 
headed for New York, leaving behind the 
pastels of L.A. and a 8350,000-per-weck Ve- 
gas gig. It was as if that kind of success just 
weren't enough. So, like a marathon runner, 
she raced against herself, against time and 
against her image. Almost immediately, she 
hit the wall fast and hard, slamming up 
against the popular perception of her as the 
tall, silly girl with the low voice 

But Cher persisted, finally catching a second 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DANA FNENAN 
“1 think this about plastic surgery: Its my 
body. Women should be given a choice, like 
with abortion. My nose bothered me for a 
long time; now its smaller and I'm happy. If 
Twanna pul my tits on my back, they're 


67 


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B тоа." 0.6 mg nicoune 
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For people who 
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because quality matters. 


PLAYBOY 


wind with her 1982 stage debut in “Come 
Back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy 
a nonmusical funky Broadway offer- 
ing directed by movie director Robert Altman. 
She went on to relive the performance on film, 
and from there, the succession of movie roles 
шах both steady and memorable, each one 
bearing the inimitable Cher stamp: the lonely 
lesbian and best friend to Streep in Mike 
Nichols’ “Silkwood” (earning her her first 
Academy Award nomination for Best Sup- 
porting Actress), the biker mother of an 
anatomical freak in "Mask" (earning her a 
1985 Cannes Citation jor Best Actress), one 
of three lovers to Jack Nicholsons Devil in 
“The Witches of Eastwick," a prosecutor who 
has an affair with a juror in “Suspect” and, 
most recently, the funny Italian love-struck 
bookkeeper in “Moonstruck,” the role that 
landed her the Oscar. 

Although, to some, her Academy Award 
came as no surprise (odds makers had her 
winning), the industrys satisfaction with the 
choice was plainly apparent, as the audience 
of stars and showbiz Pooh-Bahs that evening 
serenaded Chers walk lo the podium to re- 
ceive the trophy with loud and unabashed 
hurrahs. 

But while she has attained respectability, 
Cher can still prime the gossip pumps. Hav- 
ing shared bed and spotlight with the likes of 
Val (“Willow”) Kilmer and Gene (Kiss) Sim- 
mons, she has been living with aspiring actor 
Robert Camillelti for more than two years. 
Their May-October (well, maybe May-Aw 
gust) romance has provided excellent grist for 
the movie-magazine mill. The press and the 
photographers, who have buzzed about out- 
side wherever Chers residence has been for 
the past 20 years, finally got to Camilletti. He 
got into a dispute with a photographer who 
accused him of trying to run him down in a 
Ferrari. The police were summoned and re- 
luctantly arrested Camilletti at the insistence 
of the photographer. The next morning, the 
newspapers showed a beleaguered Cher bail- 
ing her man out of the slammer 

What fascinates the public about Cher is 
heno she can maintain two images without 
apparent contradiction, as both the award- 
winning actress and the gaudy peckaboo 
showgirl. Then again, no serious actress has 
ever baited the press so blatantly: wearing her 
next-to-nolhing outfits on stage, challenging 
the public to find the scars from her cosmetic 
surgery, calling David Letterman an asshole 
to his face on his own show. Her life has been 
an exercise in on-the-job training, and she 
has proved herself, time and time again, 10 be 
a quick study. 

Her brash M.O.—even her own fragrance 
is called Uninhibited—has got her this far 
down the road in better shape than most. Her 
baby hipster Chastity is now a serious young 
woman. Elijah (her son by Gregg Allman) is 
anormal kid. Whatever the game plan, it has 
worked. 

And so, sandwiched between her Academy 
Award triumph and her annual visit to the 
south of France, Cher agreed to talk with Eu- 
genie Ross-Leming, with an editorial assist 


from writer David Standish—the same team 
that conducted the first Cher “Playboy Inter 
view" in 1975. Ross-Leming has made her 
own impression in Hollywood in the interval, 
first as coproducer and head writer of “Mary 
Hartman, Mary Hartman” and most recently 
as the cocreator of “Scarecrow & Mrs. King” 

Ross-Leming reports on the reunion: 

“As one would expect, Cher lives in an im- 
pressive house with Egyplian themes. Not im- 
pressive in Ptolemaic terms, but if you're 
anything less than an anointed descendant of 
Ra, the feeling of being in the Valley of the 
Kings can be heady: Doors slide open silently 
at ones arrival, almost as if by themselves. 1 
remembered the part-Moroccan/part-Chero- 
hee ambience of Chers bedroom back in 1975; 
you had to remove shoes then, too. 

“I tried to feel laid back, bul mystique will 
out, and even al her most casual, Cher just 
isn't. Yes, shes funny, often self-effacing, 
wears ripped-and-ragged jeans (albeit the de- 
signer version) and munches on goldfish 
crackers. But shes still Cher. And, like other 
uninamed  phenomena—such as hurri- 
canes—she brings a lot of energy to whatever 
she hits, 


“I was pleased to get 
a chance to do a question- 
and-answer format. I’m tired 
of having my thoughts mulled 
over by someone else.” 


“I like her best because, in a world of An- 
glo princesses—Glenn Close, Meryl Streep, 
Jessica Lange, Candice Bergen, Trigger—she 
has returned dignity to the underrated dark 
templress. It gives hope to those of us of a sim- 
ilar persuasion.” 


PLAYBOY: We're glad you decided to do this 
interview. It has been 13 years for both of 
us. And, lately, a lot of press for you. 

CHER: Well, there's been so much distortion 
of what Pve , 1 was pleased to get a 
chance to do a strictly question-and-an- 
swer format. I'm tired of having my 
thoughts mulled over by someone else. 
The articles are all basically bad: They 
make you seem either better or worse than 
you are, because they're someone else's 
version of you. I'm sure a lot of people 
don't like my lifestyle, or some of the 
things that I've done, Nevertheless, I've 
still gotten a pretty fair shake—if you can 
geta fair shake from the press. 
PLAYBOY: Let's jump right in. Your personal 
life seems to get almost as much attention 
as your acting or ng. In your first 
Playboy Interview, you said your reputation 
as some kind of she-devil was exaggerated, 
that you were the kind of girl who needed 
to feel something for a guy before making 


love. Do you still feel that way? 

CHER: І think I've gotten even worse that 
way. Basically, | know if I go out to dinner 
with someone, I could fall in love with him. 
Because I won't just go out, date someone. I 
wont do it. I have to get to know him first. 
Mostly people Гуе been introduced to or 
I've known for a while. e when I met 
Robert—it was three months after I met 
him that we first went out together. 
PLAYBOY: Then meeting your new boy- 
friend, Robert Camille bolt 
from the blue? You didn't him опе 
night and say, "I must have this’ 
CHER: No. Somcone quoted me as saying. 
“Have him washed and brought to my 
tent.” [Laughs] Bullshit. 1 mean, | laughed 
atit, but it wasn't reported tongue in check. 
They weren't smart enough to do tha 
PLAYBOY: Well, you two have been in the pa- 
persa lot. How did you meet him? 

CHER: І saw him at a night club in Manhat- 
tan and I thought he was sooo handsome, 
just beautiful, and he just kind of rocked 
my socks, you know? I've never felt a physi- 
cal impact like that, except maybe when 
my children were born. But I didn't speak 
to him that night. I didn't really go out 
with him until three months afterward. 
Then we went out, and I thought, He's re- 
ally a sweet boy—and probably not a good 
thing to waste my time on. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

CHER: 1 felt I was starting to fall into a pat- 
tern of being only with younger guys. I 
thought that was maybe a fault or a w 
ness, something detrimental in my charac- 
ter. Now I don't know isor not—and I 
don't know that I care. But I remember 
thinking that night, 1 wonder if l'm start- 
ing to believe what people say about me. 
PLAYBOY: Meaning what? 

CHER: That I didn't want people to think of 
me as a cradle robber. Also, I have never 
really appreciated men who change women 
like c. š 

they put it Бас 
noodle—but it’s all soup, it just has a difler- 
ent name on it. And I ing to think, 
Was that potentially me? 


really interesting. My grandmother—what 
is she, 88? One time, a few years ago, I was 
looking at her and remembering when she 
was younger, when 1 was little. I re- 
member her wearing cocktail dresses and 
earrings and gloves, looking real gl 
orous, even though she wasn’t all that 
young even then. 1 asked her, “How old do 
you feel?” She said, “I havent felt diffe 
since I was 17. Even when I see t 
wrinkled woman in the mirror, I still think 
of myself as being about 17. It doesn't 


gonna be, 
like, menopause! That I'm going to wake 
up and start being crabby and not want to 
go to Disneyland or do other childlike 


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PLAYBOY 


72 


things that I still like to do now. And 
yet I think I have a kind of maturity 
that comes only with age. 

PLAYBOY: Arent there gaps in culture or in 
experience between you and Camilleri? 
CHER: Wi what—ten 
med older, so 
grown up. .... I never looked at him and 
thought, Oh, if only he could have been 
round when the Beatles came out! Those 
things don't seem very important when I 
get the kind of nurturing that 1 never got 
from Sonny [Bono], or from any oth 
man my age, actually: These younger men 
have been very loving, very supportive, 
and thats what's really important to m 
1 dont need a man to do anything els 
for me. 


PLAYBOY: Do you 
think that one ap- 
peal of younger 
men is that you led 
safer being open 
with them? That, 


being younger and 
less cynical, they are 
more of a haven? 

CHER: You know, I 
haven't been with an 
older man in so long, 
1 wouldnt even 
know what it’s like. 


[Producer] David 
Geffen was the last 
older man 1 was 


with, and that was 
15 years ago. Also, 
older men dort like 
me. They never ask 


But I'm certainly not the first one whos 
been with younger men, you know. Tallu- 
lah Bankhead, Sarah Bernhardt—there ve 
been lots of women before me. 

PLAYBOY: How much do you notice the age 
difference? 

CHER: The other day, Robert was audition- 
ing for a movie that takes place in 195 
and | said, “Jeez, Rob, you were hardly 
even born yet, were уоп?” And he said, * 
wasn't born until 1964.” And I said, “Oh, 
shit, I was mine in 1955." I looked at him 
and said, “God, you're young! And, Jesus, 
I'm old!” But it doesnt come up that often. 
PLAYBOY: As much as anyone out there, 
you're a symbol of a certain kind of sexual- 
ity. Your and look and even the 
manner in which you speak about sex have 


clothes 


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Its three warning systems. 
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slow down"), melody or tone. 

З anti-falsing systems 
filter out unwanted sig- 


me out—well, there nals. Separate indi- 
were a couple—one cators for "X" and “К” 
guy who did was bands, and extra sen- 


married. The other, 
too. Both married. I 
dont know what it is, 
but they never ever 
hit on me. I'd think 
it would be the op- 
posite. If I were a 
younger man, I'd be 
more nervous about 
asking me out. But 
younger guys don't 
seem to be. 

PLAYBOY: Although 
you've been criticized, a lot of 
cheer your relationship with a 24-year-old. 
A woman friend of ours, in her mid-30s, 
id to tell you that you'd “given us 
hope.” Do you feel like a sort of pioneer? 
CHER: Women ask me about it constantly. 1 
think it’s because men did it for such along 
time and women didnt. Now these things 
are changing. My mother lived with a man 
who was a year younger than / was for ten 
years. Eventually, she left him, and he was 
devastated. I know a lot of girls now who 
have boyfriends younger than themselves. 
As for being a pioneer, I'm really happy to 
give women the courage to do the thing 
they might want to do. If they need some 
one to go before them, I'm happy to help 


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a very deliberate sex appeal 
define what it is you project? 

CHER: I don't know how to make sex appeal 
Т know I can do it, but I don't know what it 
is. | can go up on stage and create sex ap- 
peal, but if vou ask me what Pm do- 
ing. ... Its like acting. IF anybody asks me 
how I do it, [tell him I dont know how I do 


Zan you 


it, I just do it. In real life, Fm not that way 
at all with men. For me to really put out ev 


erything in sex. I really have to trust the 
person—and that just doesn't come right 
away 


PLAYBOY: But have there been times when 
the sheer delirium of sex overwhelms you? 
Sex lor sexs sake? 

CHER: I've never had that, not where I've 


actually had sex. I've had that rush with 
two people. Robert was one, and one other 
man, when the moment was just there—to 
be seized or never to be seen again. I took 
both of them, but not all the way, because, 
for me, actually having sex is something 
that I don't want to do with someone Гуе 
just met. I need to be in love. So kissing 
and lying on top of each other or whatever, 
that seems OK. But having sex with some- 
опе you aren't crazy about .. . 1 don't think 
I'm grown up enough. 

PLAYBOY: We were thinking more of being 
suddenly possessed 

CHER: | get more possessed as time goes by. 
PLAYBOY: You've never had just one-night 
fling, then? 

CHER: | did once. When 1 was 16 years old, 
I fucked Warren 
Beatty: Just like that. 
Of course, I'm one 
of a long list. And I 
did it because my 
girlfriends were so 
crazy about him, 
and so was my 
mother. I saw War- 
ren, he picked me 
up and I did it. And 
what а disappoint- 
ment! Not that he 
wasnt technically 
good, or couldn't be 
good, but I didn't 
feel anything. So, 
lor me, 1 feh, 
Theres uo reason 
for you to do that 
again. 

PLAYBOY: Have you 
convinced 
yourself that. 
loved someone—to 
Icgitimize sexual 
feclings? 

CHER: I've done that 
twice, Twice 
fucked men without 
knowing who the: 
were, and they we 
both disasters. 1 
couldn't imagine do- 
ing that now. I be- 
lieve that if I can't 
wake up with some. 
one in the morning and really want to 
spend time with him, then I'd rather be 
alone. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't it very difficult for someone 
sting and open 
with a new man? Since you're a star, а 
CHER: Love goddess. 

PLAYBOY: Thank you. Since he's up against 
a love goddess, isn't he going to have un- 
real expectations? 
CHER: Absolutely. You 
around with your heart on vou 
cause a lot of the time, you can get your 
arm cut off. So it takes me a while. I seem 
to pick a certain kind of man— 
passionate, very loving, very open, trust- 
worthy kind of men—at least lately. Robert 


ever 
you 


Гус 


аз famous as you to be tri 


don't want to go 


sleeve, be- 


ту com- 


better than anybody ever has. 
PLAYBOY: How about the other side of that? 
Are you still the tough lady of renown? 
CHER: І can still be pretty tough. On some 
occasions, you just have to be. But for a 
long time, toughness was all | presented. I 
also like being able to have the softer side 
But I had to be tough in the past, because 1 
felt I was being at- 


the more relaxed he got, the more he got 
off my case. The more we shot, the more 
he trusted what I was doing. 

PLAYBOY: There were also problems with 
some of the people making The Witches of 
Eastwick. 

CHER: Jerks! Small stuff, like nobody was 
supposed to take anybody on the set—like 


CHER: Well, every once in a while, I get 
kind of amazed at myself for the amount 
of balls I have when | have to stand up for 
myself. On the set of Witches, I thought the 
women were treated really, really badly. 1 
didn't stand up for myself as much as I felt 
I should have. 

PLAYBOY: For cxample? 

CHER: One day, I had 


tacked—the whole 
time with Gregory 
[Allman], for in- 
stance, and when 1 
was trying to get in- 
to the movies. I was 
getting so little 
help . . . and no sup- 
port. So I got to be 
really tough, be- 
causc 1 had to be. I 
protect myself if Im 
attacked. 1 dont go 
around kicking any- 
body in the balls; I 
just go around do- 
ing my thing, being 
prepared for people 
to be real fabulous 
to me—or real 
pricks. Mc, I'm a 
mirror image of 
hoever I'm dealing 
Mostly, Im 
casygoing and casy 
to get along with. 
But I don't take shit. 
PLAYBOY: Which you 
apparently demon- 
strated on the set of 
Mask, where you 
had some pitched 
battles with director 
Peter Bogdanovich. 
Why didn't you 
ply give in to what 
he wanted, since he 
was the veteran di- 
rector and you were 
the newcomer? 

CHER: It was hard. 
At first, I wondered 
if he was right. But 
some part of me 
knew he was wrong. 
I was scared shitless. 
1 kept saying to my- 
self, Cher, how 
could you know 
more than he does? 
I respe work, 
but I didn't like him, 


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a fight with Jon Pe- 
ters, and he sai 
“You're angry with 
me. I'm upset. What 
do you want me 
to do? Can | buy 
you a dres? Or 
a bracelet?" ] just 
looked at him and 
said, "What do I 
look like, a showgirl 
and youre Flo 
Ziegfeld?” The con- 
cept was out of my 
realm of possibility. 
То be bought off by 
abracelet! Unless, of 


unbelievable fucking 
bracelet. [Laughs] It 


was all k 
terical 
In that case, I nev- 
er really feli wanted 
in the movie, so I 
never felt very pow- 
erful. We women 
were really support- 
ing roles. 1 also saw 
the way Jack Nichol- 
son dealt with every- 


nd of hys- 


one. Jack was 
unbelievable. 
PLAYBOY: How? 


CHER: IF 1 had been 
Jack, 1 would have 
really kicked a lot of 
ass, because those 
people were just to- 
tally . . . inappropri- 
ate m their behavior. 
PLAYBOY: Can some- 
опе who is difficult 
bring out good work 
in you? 

CHER: Sure, but not 
someone who's gon- 
na be threatened by 
what | have to sav. 
[Moonstruck direc- 
tor] No n jew 
ison is unbelievable; 


I didn't respect him 
as a human being. He didn't like women, 
fundamentally. He likes women who ai 
real subservient, who look at him and 
think he’s the greatest thing that ever hay 
pened. We had some good days, too, which 
really kinda scared me. It's so much еаѕі 

if someone can be a pig constantly. Like, 
the last day we shot was his birthday, and I 
told h оа. l'm really glad this is over, 
because I'm almost ready to like you.” And 


у of us really wanted to take anybody to 
ng set! But Susan Sarandon took 
hter, Eva, on and [producer] Jon 
Peters kicked her off. Then, when we were 
doing a pretty important scene, he allowed 
Barbra Streisand to walk through with len 
fucking people. 

PLAYBOY: That doesnt sound like some- 
thing you'd put up with. You're known for 
saying exactly what you think. 


he'sso cranky, but he 
was so greal. When 1 took Moonstruck, 
I told him, "I just want to let you know 
something: Fm really difficult" He 
said, "Oh, yeah, what's that supposed to 
mean?” I said, “I don't know—because I'm 
really not.” 

PLAYBOY: And together, you pulled off a 
smash success and you got an Oscar. 
Things got pretty steamy between you and 


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PLAYBOY 


76 


Nicolas Cage in that one. 
CHER: I had to kiss Ni 


very meaningful in real life. With all that 
physical comedy and shit, it wasn't like we 
had to really be passionate. The truth is, I 
dont like kissing people I don't know: 
PLAYBOY: Did you have any love affairs on 
the set of any of your movies? 

CHER: It happened one time. It was a drag, 
because he was married. I dont want to 
mention who. It was a mess. But a short 
mess. We got romantic, but we didn't do 
anything. We denied ourselves so that we 
could continue to have this really passion- 
ate feeling for each other. 

Most people you come into contact with 
on a movie set are pretty nice. If you're in 
bed with them all day long, kissing them 
and telling them how much you love them, 
and you're both working on a common 
goal, well, these attachments can happen. 

Everybody on a movie set is this really 
intense family, and it’s hard at the end of 
the day to say to yourself, It was only pre- 
tend, because the better you do it, the 
more real it has to be. And you do it fi 
months and months and months! I re- 
member one time doing a scene with some- 
one and we were in bed all day long, 
kissing. And he was getting erections 

So you're there, doing everything but 
penetration, and then, at the end of the 
day, it's like a cartoon: You put on your 
hard-hat, punch in your timecard and go, 
“See you tomorrow, Jake.” Its hard, be- 
cause often you're working with someone 
whos really attractive and charismatic. 
PLAYBOY: Now, let's see: You've done only 
three movies in which there's been physical 
romance. You mentioned Cage, then there 
was 
CHER: You'll have to guess it from that, 
‘cause I'm not telling. But the funniest per- 
son [ worked with was—whats his name? 
He was in Suspect and I can't remember his 
name. 

PLAYBOY: Dennis Quaid. 

CHER: Dennis. He was so adorable. He 
knew that it really made me nervous to 
have to kiss him, So he'd bust my chops 
and go, “Oh, I fucked that take up. Have to 
do it again!" 

PLAYBOY: Any actors you want to work with 
in the future? 

CHER: Well, I'm developing a couple of 
things, you know? There are lots of people 
1 want to work with. I love Tom Hanks. I 
think he's really talented. | love Tommy 
Cruise, too. I'd love to work with Jack 
again. I like Sean Connei 
PLAYBOY: Are there an 
crush on? 

CHER: Robert Redford. Meryl told me he 
was a great kisser. Anyone who's a great 


actors you have a 


kisser I'm always interested Oh, 
Sylvester Stallone. My big crush in life. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 


CHER: Because of the first Rocky. The only 
Rocky, in my mind. 1 saw something so 
brilliant and so dear and so sensitive, such 
a line actor. Well, I spent a couple of hours 


with Sly one night and he was really 
adorable, really funny. I don't think that 
person exists anymore, unfortunately. 1 
ed a character who was a little bit too 
heavy and a little too dumb. I have a crush 
on that Sylvester Stallone, I dont have a 
crush on the one who's out there now. 
PLAYBOY: What has changed? 

CHER: It happens to all of us. We become 
perpetrators and victims of the dream. 
PLAYBOY: Mcaning: 
CHER: | stress looking good. I emphasize 
the physical a lot, but I think it's pretty 
much bullshit. Not that I don't believe peo- 
ple should work out—that's really impor- 
tant—but I mean looking beautiful and 
being sexy all the time. . . . It's kind of 
empty In true life, Um really down to 
earth. I don't really want to be, you know, 
the love goddess. No, that's not true. I do 
like it. But I don't want to spend my whole 
life with the Beautiful People. 

PLAYBOY: Then why perpetuate the image? 
For example, why do you still appear in the 
Jack La Lanne ads? 

CHER: This is what happened: I started. 
with Health and Tennis—the owners of 
Jack LaLanne—because I needed the 
money. Health and ‘Tennis was kind of a 
gift from God—they didn’t even want me. 
They wanted Joan Rivers. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

CHER: Because she was hot and | wasn't. 
But Joan didn't want to get into a leotard 
and my acting career wasnt paying 
enough to live on, so I got the ads and did 
them. When my contract expired, I want 
ed to keep doing them, because the money 
was great—and because people would say, 
1 joined Jack LaLanne because of you.” 
Also, Í got to say whatever I wanted. 
wrote the last commercials—all of them— 
myself, So now it pisses me off that 
Heather Locklear is doing them! [Voice ris- 
ing] 1 produced the commercials, 1 wrote 
the commercials, it was my concept and 1 
feel invaded, because 1 didn't write that 
commercial from my life experience to 
have some blonde bimbo of 25 stick her 
tongue out at the end of it! It meant some- 
thing to me to talk about how I've arrived 
at this place after everything Гуе been 
through at the age of 42! 

PLAYBOY: So doing those commercials was a 
personal campaign. 

CHER: Yes. And I don't feel bad about doing 
them, even though my agent says. “Meryl 
Streep would never do that.” But I do lots 
of things that Meryl Streep would never 
do. If I can keep doing good work, who 
ives a shit if I set myself on fi Bene- 
dict Canyon? I'm not inviting people to cri- 
tique my just my work. 

PLAYBOY: Lets talk about the work. You 
didn't pursue acting for the stardom; you 
already had that. What do you get from 
acung? 

CHER: It's the thing I think I do best, so it 
makes me feel better about myself. Being 
famous in itself didnt make me feel any- 
thing but inadequate .. . constantly. In fact, 
it makes you feel kinda like shit. At least 


when you get paid for acting, you can turn 
nto something you can be proud of, in- 
stead of just going out and being a man- 
nequin for an hour. 

PLAYBOY: Are you talking about your fame 
as part of Sonny and Cher? 

CHER: Yeah. 105 not that I’m ashamed of it, 
but I really had to go further, because 1 
just couldn't get the feeling that I wanted 
to get from й 
PLAYBOY: So you went solo—which includ- 
ed gigs at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. 
What was life like there? 

CHER: Hell. People go to see performers as 
an afterthought. Las Vegas is a town that 
has nice people, but to be set up in Caesars 
Palace—where there are no clocks and 1 
don't gamble, drink or stay up late—hey, 
it hadn't been for the gym, Га have lost my 
mind. 

PLAYBOY: Then why did you do it? 

CHER: | needed the money. I had both of 
my kids, I got no money from Gregory and 
1 had to pay Sonny this huge settlement. 
Plus, I broke Frank Sinatra's [attendance] 
record, which no one else has done. 
PLAYBOY: But it was back in New York that 
things really started to turn around for 
you. You were cast in the Broadway pro- 
duction of Robert Altman's Come Bach to 
the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean. 
What was that like? 

CHER: Being on stage was a real interesting 
experience. It's a lot tougher than acting in 
movies. Every night, you get a new chance 
to be great. And if you're bad, you get the 
chance immediately to be great the next 
night. I thought 1 had died and gone to 
heaven. I was so naive. I didn't get nervous 
until opening night [on Broadway], and 
we'd already played a million perform- 
ances in other towns. 

‘Then I realized it was stupid to be nerv- 
ous. You've got all these actors, they come 
ош, and you know they're gonna be really 
good, you're gonna have a great time, it's 
gonna be over, you're gonna go see your 
friends—and get paid for it. And people 
today think they've discovered something 
new in my movies—that I can act! 
PLAYBOY: Does it bother you that people 
still praise your acting as if it were a big 
surprise? 

CHER: I kind of think it’s funny It works in 
my favor. Because when they don't expect 
it, they keep being surprised that you're 
good. 1 wanted to audition for a play 
[New York Shakespeare FestivaliPublic 
Theater producer] Joe Papp once, and he 
said. “How do | know you're talented from 
all that shit you did on TV?" So my talent 
wasn't something that was obvious to ev- 
eryone. It's bizarre. It doesn’t really affect 
me, but for a while, I thought, How many 
things do I have to do before they say, “All 
right, OK, now we get it"? But then 1 real- 
ized, as long as they keep being surprised, 
I'll keep being better than expected 

PLAYBOY: Isn't it also that people get con- 
fused by your two images—the serious ac- 
tress and the wild, exotic character? 

CHER: I think I created such an intense 


image that people have a hard time getting 
it out of their minds. If | do a Moonstruck 
and then go on David Letierman in some 
black outfit, they can’t put those two wom- 
en together in the same body. . . . Its a little 
like the It about Jesse Jackson 


CHER: People who didn't like him may not 
have changed their ideas about him totally, 
butin this year’s campaign, if they listened 
to what he had to say, they went, “Aha! He's 
not stupid." Or "He's not prejudiced.” Or 
whatever they were positive he was. 

I think I just keep coming back for re- 
evaluation by the public. People think that 
if 1 dress weird, I must be stupid. If 1 do 
some strange things—like spend too much 
money on clothes—1 couldnt have а 
thought in my head. Well, I can make occa- 
sional stupid choices without being a stupid 
person. 

PLAYBOY: What about the Cher image? You 
wear bad girls clothes or almost no clothes 
at all. And there's the matter of your two 
tattoos— 

CHER: More than two— 
PLAYBOY: All right, the woman 
with tattoos. 

CHER: [Laughing] After two, who cares? 
PLAYBOY: Anyway, you do cultivate a cer- 
tain naughty image through your fashion. 
On the other hand, you've said you don't 
have any of the standard vices—no smok- 
ing, drinking or doing drugs—which must 
be hard for some to believe. 

CHER: Let me tell you something: If I'd 
wanted to do drugs, I would have done 
them. I just don't like them. I think they're 
for them. 

ng at is that 


iddled 


dressed bad girl and the award-winning 
actress. You won't be able to do both 
forever, will you? 


wondering about how 
much longer ГИ be able to dress the way I 
want to dress and get away with it. Will I be 
able to have long hair when I'm 60 and 
it really weird and can | wear 
miniskirts if my legs are still good? I'd like 
to be like Jessica Tandy when 1 get older. 
Or Luise Rainer, who was so fabulous in 
The Good Earth. She looks unbelievable. 
And I also wonder—Michelle [Pfeiffer] 
and Paulette and 1 were talking—Will we 
be able to go to the south of France and 
bum around when we're 65, having as 
much fun as we do now? 

Then I just think, Well, fuck it, you 
know? If 1 still look good in certain 
clothes, I dont want to stop wearing them 
ase I'm not supposed to. Also, I look 
ny mother and she still dresses kind of 
like I do. I mean, not as crazy, because she 
never dressed that crazy, but she still wears 
her jeans and her cowboy boots, and she's 
61. And my grandmother is fabulous; she 
still wears jeans and cowboy boots, 100. 
There are so many older women today 
who are so cool. 


Men are not the only ones who get to 
grow old and be cool anymore. The 
Madison Avenue ad guys really deserve to 
have their nuts cut off for promoting that 
idea. A lot of women still buy into it. You 
shouldn't feel useless because you get old, 
though I guess I can be neurotic about the 
way Took 
PLAYBOY: Do you really worry about being 
attractive? 

CHER: It's interest Tf 1 look in the mir- 
ror, I see so many different people—and 
none of them are people I find attractive. 
‘Then, every once in a while, I'll look in a 
mirror and think, You look really great! 
But it doesn't have much to do with the 
mirror; I think it has to do with how some- 
опе else feels about me. 

PLAYBOY: We thought you were going to say 
how you feel about yourself. 

CHER: 1 think I'm getting really better 
about that. Since I've started acting, I wor- 
ry less about the way 1 look, because 1 
know 1 can rely on my talent. But I also 
want to look as good as I can, because I 
don't want to be too old for roles [ want. 
The most liberating experience I've ever 


“Let me tell you something: 
If I'd wanted to do 
drugs, I would have done 
them. I just dont like them. 
I think they're stupid.” 


had was not to have to look good in Silk- 
wood. At first, it killed me. The worse I 
looked, the better everybody thought it 
was. 

PLAYBOY: So you had difficulty relinquish- 
ing the beauty-queen side of you for that 
part? 

CHER: I would have been OK if Kurt Rus- 
sell hadn't said, “Ooh! What the fuck are 
you supposed to look like?” I went to the 
bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror 
and began to cry. After a while, it was like 
being 12 years old. [ had the best time not 
having to be cute. Or not having to be sexy. 
Or not having to be anything attractive at 
all. Lliked myself most in Moonstruck when 
Thad gray hair in a bun, because there was 
no responsibility to look good. 

PLAYBOY: But you did look good—your 
character transforms herself іп Moon- 
struck. 

CHER: | think all women like transition 
movies. I like seeing myself made up to 
look glamorous, but I had more fun with 
the other characters, not having the re- 
sponsibility to look pretty. And I can create 
myself. It’s some kind of magic, 1 think. It's 
е Barbra Streisand or Bette Midler. You 
know, they're not great-looking girls, but 
there's some kind of magic that they can 


perform that transforms their face, their 
body, whatever, into the thing that is really 
desirable at the moment. 

PLAYBOY: It's ironic that you've found a 
sense of freedom playing unglamorous aft- 
er all the glamor. How do you feel about all 
the attention to your соѕти surgery? 
There have been some pretty wild stories. 
CHER: Right, and I'm leveling a lawsuit 
against Paris Match and Bunte magazines. 
They reported that I have new cheekbones 
and a new chin and that I had two ribs re- 
moved for cosmetic reasons. On TV the 
other night, I saw a woman who said she 
was going to have her ribs removed—be- 
cause Г had done it. It made me crazy. It 
made me frightened. 

PLAYBOY: Well? Can we count your 
CHER: These are my cheekbones. T! 
my chin— I've had it my whole life. 
ways had my rib cage. I've always had my 
ribs. Yeah, I have had my tits done, my 
nose done and Гуе done my teeth. When I 
read Paris Match, I thought, Why in the 
fuck would they say I had a new chin or 
new cheeks? People could look at pictures 
from ten years ago and see that thats not 
the truth. Don't these people know that 
surgery leaves scars, no matter where you 
do it? Maybe not your nose, but every other 
kind of surgery. 

1 think this way about it: It's my body, 
and if I want to do it like Michael Jacl 
I will. I think that women should be—not 
encouraged, but given a choice, like with 
abortion My nose hothered me for a long 
time. Now Il my same style of nose, 
only it’s smaller. And it makes me happy. 
You know, if | want to put my tits on my 
back, they're mine 
PLAYBOY: What made you decide to get 
plastic surgery in the first place? 

CHER: It has more to do with my work than 
my personal life. That's why I had my nose 
done. When I saw my nose in Mask, 1 
thought, Jesus fucking Christ. On TV it 
had never looked that big. Then, when 1 
saw my teeth—at certain angles, they dis- 
appeared. In fact, the cameraman had to 
use a special camera light just for my teeth. 
It was just a pain in my ass and I didnt like 
it. I thought, I can look better than this. 
PLAYBOY: And now you're happy with the 
way you look? 

CHER: Well, if 1 were to do anything else, I 
don't think I'd look like me. If 1 were 
Michael Jackson, Га be frightened of what 
I'd made myself look like. I thought he was 
a lot cuter before, but he's obviously not 
afraid of that. 

But I guess / always wanted to look in 
the mirror and see this blonde, blue-eyed 
girl. So no matter what I may do to my face 
or my body or my appearance, Im never 
gonna be that. And I guess I've come to 
terms with that. But that would be my idea 
of what I would like to look like—a blu 
eyed blonde, not The night of Jesse 
Jackson's speech at the Democratic Con- 
vention, I had a dream that I was black. 
When I woke up, | thought, So that's why 


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PLAYBOY 


it's been so rough all these years. 
Between my life being so difficult at the 
start and the fact that I was the only dark 
person in my family—everyone called me 
the black sheep—1 identified with Jesse. I 
thought as a child that things would be OK 
if only I were light, like my mother and my 
sister. Back then, there were no black- 
haired role models—I missed out on Hedy 
Lamarr and Ava Gardner; I was plopped 
into the Sandra Dee and Doris Day era. 
So after Jesse Jackson said at the conven- 
tion, “I know where you've been, I know 
your pain,” I dreamed there was this black 
guy and he had his arm around me and he 
was saying, “Look, it’s rough being black.” 
1 knew that. It's the truth, because when I 
was blonde, people did treat me differently. 
PLAYBOY: When were you blonde? 
CHER: For about cight months. I went from 
red to blonde in steps, so that I had every 
color in between. And it was weird to see 
people treat me softer and nicer and 
sweeter as ] got blonder. It's a bitch being 
dark. We grow up with all the evil people 
in stories being dark. And all the heroines 
are these Cinderella-blonde bimbos. 
PLAYBOY: You think a lot about whether or 
not you're attractive, don't you? 
CHER: Yeah, I was talking to my therapist. 
about this. I said, “It's really a joke that my 
whole life, people thought 1 was unattrac- 
tive until now—when I'm getting too old 
to really be attractive.” 
PLAYBOY: But youve received attention for 
your good looks for a long time, haven't 
you? 
CHER: No. Even when I was on The Sonny 
and Cher Show, 1 was interesting, but peo- 
ple never said, “Ooh, shes really beautiful 
or really pretty" Until The Sonny and Cher 
Show, people really weren't aware that I 
was a girl. 
PLAYBOY: But you've always had a lot of 
male attention, haven't you? How old were 
you when you lost your virginity? 
CHER: Fourteen. The first boy Í ever slept 
with—oh, the poor boy I was really in love 
with him. He was too old for me. He kept 
bothering me and bothering me with this 
shit. I'd never done anything. Just kissed. 
He wouldn't be scen out with me because I 
was too young. But he would come to my 
house every day and we'd talk and have 
great times, though God forbid if I was in 
his house and a group of guys would show 
up. Hed go, “Yeah, Cher, go on home now, 
we'll talk later." So one day, I just got tired 
of all that and I said, “OK, let's do this 
thing that you're always wanting to do." 
So we went to bed together and we did it. 
I said, “OK, is that it?” He said, “Yeah.” 1 
said, “Now, you go home and don't ever talk 
to me again. 1 don’t ever want you coming 
over here, and that's it. OK?" So he left. 
PLAYBOY: Did you find passion the next 
time around? 
CHER: My next boyfriend was 35. 1 was 
crazy in love with him. 
PLAYBOY: And that time, it was something 
you wanted to do? 
CHER: Well, I did and I didn't. 1 just wanted 


10 be close with him; that was how adults 
did it. The idea of being passionate to sleep 
with him the way I'm passionate to sleep 
with Robert, no, it absolutely didn't exist 
for me. With this guy, I would have really 
enjoyed j ng him as much as having 
sex. I think at М and a half years old, you 
don’t really know what good sex is. This 
guy was good sex—now 1 know he was 
good sex. He was a great guy. He was 
handsome. He was a best friend of my 
mother's. Of the men Гуе known, this guy 
was a ten. He looked like Тот Selleck, but 
blond. Six foot four. He made the women 
crazy. He loved them, he left them. 

One day, during the end of the summer, 
he was painting upstairs. He was coming 
down the staircase, I was going up, and he 
grabbed me and kissed me. Then he 
walked out of the house and didn't come 
back for two weeks. When he came back, I 
was thrilled. I was asleep, and all of a sud- 
den, 1 was aware of somebody sitting on 
my bed. He said, “I really shouldn't be 
here,” and he went downstairs, where he 
was staying because someone had thrown 
a brick through our front window and we 
were waiting for a new window to come in; 
he was sleeping downstairs because my 
mother was terrified. So 1 followed him. 1 
got into bed with him and I just—he was 
pretty weird, but I was crazy about him. I 
was with him for about a year. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever tell your mother 
you'd had an affair with her friend? 

CHER: Later. Not then. She would have 
killed him. 

PLAYBOY: You've said that you were raised 
mostly by women. How did that affect you? 
CHER: Well, my mother was married eight 
times, but, honest to God, there were never 
any men in the house. Yes, my stepfather 
Gilbert was a fabulous influence on all of 
us, but he was there for only two years. 
Him, and one of my mother's boyfriends. 
And my sister’s father. And basically, that 
was it for men. A lot of my mother’s mar- 
riages were when I was too little to remem- 
ber them. Then it was more boyfriends 
who didn't last long. 

So men were something that you knew 
were around but you couldn't quite figure 
out what their function was. And you 
could do without them easily—and most of 
the women did. All of the women who were 
my mothers friends were working women; 
they all supported their children alone. 
There was one woman they were all jeal- 
ous of, because her husband had a great 
job and he loved his daughter and he sup- 
ported them. The rest of them were major- 
ly pissed off, because none of them could 
find a man or they couldnt keep him pay- 
ing support when he split or whatever. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever see your mother re- 
late to a man in a way that gave you some 
kind of clue as to what was out there? 
CHER: Not really I mean, I loved my stepfa- 
ther. He's my sister's father, and he was the 
person I loved most in my childhood. I 
thought he was fabulous. But I didn't un- 
derstand him. I was crazy about him, but I 


didn't get him. He was around off and on 
from when I was about four till I was nine. 
They were always breaking up and then 
going together again. So T grew up think- 
ing of men as these things that you loved 
against your will. My mother kind of lived 
a rodeo lifestyle with him. He drank, but 
he was young, handsome and irresponsi- 
ble. Great charm, I used to hear about how 
charming my real father was, but he 
couldn't hold a candle to my stepfather. 
PLAYBOY: Did you know your real father? 
CHER: I met my father when I was Il and I 
liked him for about a minute and a half. I 
think I was hard on him, but he didn't have 
any features that [ think are important; he 
had no character. So even though he could 
be cute and adorable, he had no backbone. 
I didn't find him respectable. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think some of that carly 
experience had an effect on your own 
record with men? 

CHER: 1 don't know. Maybe I'm not a good 
person to get marricd to. I just get tired. 
Or uninterested. About two years of cach. 
If you talked with my doctor, she would say 
I just get too close—and then I go. 
PLAYBOY: Would she say why you go? 

CHER: I guess I'd rather leave first. And I 
have, except for Val [Kilmer]. I remember 
one of the worst things that ever happened 
to me. It was a Friday morning, and I was 
doing the Cher show, and I was pregnant 
and the only one who knew it. Richard 
Grant, my press agent, called me up about 
o'clock, and he said, “Cher, do you 
know that Gregory's divorcing you?” And 1 
said, without pausing, “No, hum a few 
bars” Thats the attitude that gets me 
through stuff. 

PLAYBOY: What prompted you to start scc- 
ing a psychiatrist? 

CHER: Well, I just —it was necessary: 
PLAYBOY: Was it somcthing specific? 

CHER: Nothing that I can talk about, but 
something was definitely bothering mc. 
‘There were other things, but for my whole 
life, I would wake up and have this fear of 
not knowing where I was. 

PLAYBOY: Have you figured out where it 
comes from? 

CHER: Some years ago, I found out that I'd 
spent time in an orphanage and I'd lived 
with foster parents when I was young. 
PLAYBOY: Which you don't remember? 
CHER: Well, I was six months old, But there 
are things in my past that sometimes come 
up under stressful conditions. It happens 
more the more stress 1 get under. Also, 
when I'm working, I'm always in a hotel 
room. Waking up in the middle of the 
night and not knowing where [ was—even 
if I hadn't gone through what I had—I 
think would be difficult. It seems ridicu- 
lous that I would pick a life where I'm al- 
ways going to be in a place where I don't 
know where I am. But to know that from 
months to three years I was not in a 
family situation, that | was in an orphan- 
age and lived with foster parents, well, it 
kind of makes more sense to me now. I'm 
working out why I have that fear. I'm 


working out problems with my mother, 
problems with Sonny, just problems that 
don’t go away. 

PLAYBOY: Your split with Sonny wasa tough 
one. You eventually had to pay hima settle- 
ment. Why? 

CHER: Because he and I had a contract, and 
the judge said, “This is America; if you 
sign a contract, you're liable.” But he didn't 
understand. He really didn't understand 
that the night I left Sonny, I was about to 
jump off the balcony. At the last minute, it 
occurred to me that I could leave Sonny 
instead of kill myself. 

PLAYBOY: You were really going to kill your- 
self? 

CHER: I was literally going to jump off a 
balcony. Sonny and I had been everyone's 
darling couple. I was afraid of what every- 
one would think. And when I left Sonny, 
he said, “America will hate you.” I said, “I 
don't care.” It had gotten to a terrible 
point. I weighed 90 pounds and I was liter- 
ally going to jump. | thought, Cher, why 
don't you just leave him instead? I don’t 
know why you don't think of things like 
that sooner. I guess it's why battered wives 
don’t think, Just pick up and go. It took a 
long time to pick up after that. 

PLAYBOY: What's your relationship with 
Sonny like now? 

CHER: There are things about Sonny that I 
really love, and there are things about him 
that I really hate. He was like a parent to 
me. Come to think of it, it's like having to 
deal with your mother—so, for me. it's like 
going through life having two mothers. He 
could be really, really fabulous and he 
could be really, really. . . bad. 

PLAYBOY: You looked friendly enough when 
you were on David Letterman together 
some time ago. 

CHER: Sonny and I get along really well 
when we just work together. I trust him 
completely when it comes to work. I was 
having a really good time on Letterman. 
Work is not where our large problems ever 
came from. I think that I have to getover a 
lot of deep-down, personal stuff. It’s inter- 
esting that [ can be not cool about it after 
such a long time. It's like your mother. You 
grow up, and then, all of a sudden, you 
don't know how you feel about her. It's a re- 
lationship that influences all your others, 
but you're not totally clear about it. 
PLAYBOY: Some of your other relationships 
have been pretty complicated, too. Around 
the time of your first interview with us, you 
were apparently trying to get your hus- 
band, Gregg Allman, off drugs. That pret- 
ty much wrecked the marriage, didn't it? 
CHER: Yeah. Our son, Elijah, was a year old. 
I realized that it was never going to be any 
different with his father. And I finally be- 
came bored. That sounds capricious or 
whatever, but I knew I was the one who was 
trying to put the strength into him. I 
would leave him and go back, leave him 
and go back, leave him and go back. Final- 
ly, 1 just said fuck it, 

PLAYBOY: Another famous fling was with 
Gene Simmons from Kiss. What was he 


like underneath all that make-up? 

CHER: He was really sweet. So square and 
so very Jewish. Very loving and a great 
friend, and he was fabulous to my kids, but 
he was kind of too soft for me. 

PLAYBOY: Too soft? 

CHER: Just very easygoing. I really enjoyed 
life with him. We're still friends. He lives 
down the street. He's a good man. He's re- 
ally good to his mother. 1 remember we 
had Passover at his house. We laughed so 
hard. Elijah was sitting there in his yellow 
yarmulke. 1 had never seen Gene in his 
make-up, and he said—what did he call 
me?—Puppy. He said, “Puppy, you know, 
when I'm in my make-up, I have a tenden- 
cy to be kind of mean and everyone's afraid 
of me; so if I'm rude or something like 
that, it's just because I'm in this persona.” 
So I walked in and he had his make-up on 
and he said something kind of nasty and I 
just slapped him. We both started laugh- 
ing. He wasa blast to be with. 

PLAYBOY: That sounds like the slap in 
‘Moonstruck, when you tell Nicolas Cage, 
"Snap out of it!” 

CHER: It was that kind of thing. It was like 
it was too ridiculous for me. And Gene 


“The minute someone wants 
to marry me, I want to go. 
My marriages were so 
disastrous, I think Pd 
rather jump off the 
Empire State Building” 


started laughing. 

PLAYBOY: How did you meet him? 

CHER: I went to a fund raiser for Jerry 
Brown and someone told me Gene Sim- 
mons was there. I said, “Great, I'd love to 
meet her. I love her movies.” 

I met him and he was talking in this very 
strange voice and I looked at him and said, 
“Do you always talk like that or is some- 
thing the matter with your throat?” He 
was kind of affronted that I didn't know 
anything about Kiss, except that Chas was 
crazy about them. 

“That night, he drove me home, and he 
stopped by his hotel, picked up every bit of 
Kiss paraphernalia he had so he could 
show me who they were, and we stayed up 
talking. Next, he took Katie [ Jackson] and 
me to see the Tubes. That night, Katie and 
1 both thought he was hitting on us and we 
both kind of thought, What a total asshole. 
About a week later, he called and told me 
he was upset that I thought he was hitting 
on both of us. He said he wasn't and he 
couldn't stop thinking about me. And we 
talked all night long. In about three days, 
he said, "God, I think 1 love you.” I said, 
“Oh, really?” He said he was taking time 
off the road and coming to see me. I didn't 


know about his sordid past with all these 
women. He was a different person with 


me. 

PLAYBOY: He has said that he slept with 
2500 women and had an album of Polar- 
oids of them. 

CHER: Yes, well, he was the worst. But when 
Gene and I were together, he was perfect. 
He's a great guy. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have any regrets about 
any of your romances? 

CHER: Yeah, 1 wish 1 hadn't stayed with 
Sonny quite as long as I did. I wish 1 hadn't 
stayed with Elijah's father as long as I did. I 
wish I could have cut my losses sooner. 
Dead weight is dead weight, and a bad 
choice isa bad choice. 

PLAYBOY: After all that, do you think you'll 
marry again? 

CHER: There's a rumor going around that 
Robert and I are supposed to be getting 
married. I mean, everyone called me. And 
my mother called me about the rumor that 
I'm pregnant. Look at me, for Christ's sake; 
do I look pregnant? 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe you can make this 
one last? 

CHER: Uh-oh! It's been two years on the 
first of September. . . . No, I’m still very 
much in love with him, so we'll see what 
happens. One of the best things is chat he 
doesn't really want to get married. That's 
great, because the minute someone wants 
to marry me, | want to go. I get really 
frightened and leave only when people 
want to go to the next step. My marriages 
were so disastrous, I think I'd rather jump 
off the Empire State Building. 

PLAYBOY: Then you've talked with Robert 
about marriage. 

CHER: Yeah, because of all this tabloid bull- 
shit about us getting married. He has an 
idealistic view of marriage and said that 
for him, marriage is forever. For me, 
forever is probably five or ten years. So he 
doesn't want to marry me, which is just 
perfect for me, because then I don't have 
to be worried if he really does want to. 
PLAYBOY: Whats the longest period that 
you haven't been with someone? 

CHER: Seven months is the longest I know 
of. But the seven months were filled with 
so much stuff. I was having the best time in 
my life. It was in New York. I went out with 
three different men at the same time and 
didnt sleep with any of them. On my birth- 
day, after spending the night with one of 
them, I was walking home— 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you just say ——? 

CHER: We slept together, but we didn't have 
sex. And you know how awful it is to be 
walking home in your night clothes? I was 
walking down Columbus Avenue, think- 
ing, All right, this has got to prove to you 
‘one thing, Cher. You're 35 years old today 
and you don't know anything more about 
men than you did years ago, so lets give 
them up fora while. And that night, a little 
later, I met Val! He came walking through 
the door. I met him and I left immediately. 
I said, “Well, very nice meeting you, I gotta 


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go.” And I went home. I just felt that I 
wasn't ready Anyway I guess I haven't 
been without men for more than a year. I 
can get along without a man, but I find so 
much comfort in them that it makes life so 
much easier for me. 

I wouldnt be with a man just to be with 
him—I mean, I've left situations in which I 
was not happy. Im not the kind of woman 
who goes straight from one man to anoth- 
er, usually. 1 want free time, time for my- 
self, time to spend with my girlfriends. 
PLAYBOY: Who arc your women friends? 
CHER: My best friend is Paulette; she's been 
my best friend my whole life. My other re- 
ally good friend is Michelle. And Ariadne, 
and my sister Georgeann, of course. And 
Susan Sarandon. 

PLAYBOY: When we published your first in- 
terview, you hadn't yet made any movies. 
You said that actors and actresses don't 
have anything upstairs. Have you changed 
your mind? 

CHER: I still think a lot of actors are dumb. 
But I think a lot of them are really cool, 
too. Lets face it; at the time, | was also 
talking about a place where I couldnt get 
in, so I may have been jealous. But 1 still 
say you don't have to be smart to act—I 
mean, look at the outgoing President of the 
United States. 

PLAYBOY: What about him—in the little 
time Reagan has left? 

CHER: I think Reagan was never right for 
the job. I think that when we substitute 


charisma for character, we deserve exactly 
what we've had for the past eight years. 
PLAYBOY: Obviously, people are comforted 
by charisma. 

CHER: Sure, they want to be taken care of. 
When Kennedy got shot, first thing I 
thought was, Who's going to take care of 
me now? I was shocked, I cried, but what I 
thought was, Who's gonna take care of me? 
PLAYBOY: It was surprising to some that 
Sonny went into politics, becoming mayor 
of Palm Springs. Would you have voted for 
him for mayor if you had lived there? 
CHER: I think he could probably be a good 
mayor, because I don't think much of most 
politicians. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think about Michael 
Dukakis? 

CHER: Unbelievable. I think he's really hon- 
est. He has all the things I really admire in 
someone. I don’t give a flying fuck if hes 
charismatic or not. I was in Massachusetts 
two years ago and not even aware that he 
would be running and everybody was 
crazy about him as governor. 

PLAYBOY: How about Bush? 

CHER: Bush? You know what I feel? I 
couldn't sleep a comfortable night in 
America if he were President. I would be 
terrified, 1 just couldn't sleep. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

CHER: I hate the Reagan Administration 
and everything they stood for. Bush stands 
for the same thing. 1 don't want to have to 
pay more taxes, but if I have to, I'll just 


have to make more money. Somebody's got 
to take care of the education of our coun- 
try. We've got to get back to being America. 
PLAYBOY: You were a big Carter supporter, 
right? 

CHER: I kind of felt burned about that. I 
had dinner with him the first night he ever 
ate in the White House, and this is a man 
who should have been allowed to do a lot 
more. But he didn't, because he was too 
honest and because he didn't care about 
serving the rich. And thats why I feel 
Michael Dukakis is probably going to 
make a better President than anyone clse 
who's available. He’s a manager, an organ- 
izer, and he's also truthful, like Carter was. 
He's stronger than Carter, I think. He 
knows how politics works, but he’s as hon- 
est and truthful as Jimmy Carter was. And 
Carter had something. The night we sat 
there at dinner, he told me all the things he 
wanted to do, but they were all too good 
He wanted to actually feed the hungry 
and house the homeless. All the things we 
say we want todo but nobody wants to give 
any money to do them. Are we going to 
wait until no one in America can read or 
write? Or before every-fucking-body is 
walking around in the street? I walked in- 
to a womens shelter down by my house. 1 
wanted to volunteer. 

PLAYBOY: ТО do what? 

CHER: Whatever. I said, “Can you tell me 
what's in the volunteer program?” The 
woman just looked at me. She said, 


“We don’t have any volunteer program: 

e nothing? There's nothing I can do’ 
“No.” I thought, Well, I guess it’s about 
time I got into this. It's like Гуе been bust- 
ing my ass to make a carcer, to make a life 
for myself, but as I go around and I see 
people who really necd a lot of help, I 
think maybe it’s time I started to split my- 
self between my career and America. 
PLAYBOY: When you aren't campaigning or 
acting, what do you do with your leisure 
time? Do you like to cook, entertain at home? 
CHER: No, I dont like entertaining very 
much. Uh-uh. The stress is hard for me. I 
still get really nervous about stuff. It's like 
when 25 people come over for a barbecue, 
I'm still, like, in my teenage years, saying, 
“Oh, my God, what if I didn't do the egg 
salad right?" For me, entertaining at home 
is unbelievable pressure. What if everyone 
isn't happy or what if don't have the right 
beach towels? So 1 dont really have people 
to the house. 

We used to have these great barbecues. 1 
remember Bruce Willis and I were the 
only ones who were cleaning up. I was real- 
ly pissed off at all my friends. I don’t like to 
go to parties and I don't like to give them. 
You know what? My idea of having a great 
time is sitting home with some people you 
know really well and playing—what's that 
fucking game with the little pie. . . ? 


PLAYBOY: Trivial Pursuit? 
CHER: That, or playing cards with Robert 
or watching TV. Going to the movies is still 


my favorite thing. 

PLAYBOY: You're also famous for your shop- 
ping sprees. Is the money still fun? 

CHER: Oh, yeah! [Laughs] I didn't have to 
think about that for a second! Money is still 
great. 

PLAYBOY: Did you really buy 75 pairs of 
shoes on one spree? 

CHER: I must say, I haven't done that since I 
went to New York. I still overspend on 
clothes, and I like great vacations. My 
money goes. I have some investments, but I 
don't think ГЇЇ ever be one of the richest 
women in Hollywood. And also, for five 
years, I didnt make any money. The first 
movie I really made money on was Witches. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think having all that 
money does to you? 

CHER: Well, I don't think I'm ever gonna 
lose my love for shopping and for wanting 
good clothes. That has to do with me going 
to school with rubber bands around my 
shoes. You just don’t get over that kind of 
stuff. My kids, because they’re rich, want to 
have secondhand clothes. They have no 
compulsion about shopping for new stuff 
like I do. That's not their nemesis, but it’s 
one of mine. 

At least now I'm comfortable going 
around in my jeans and without make-up 
on. I really don't give a fuck about it, but 1 
used to. When I was on TY, I thought that’s 
what I was. I had to look great at all times. 
Now I don't. It doesn’t make my life any 
better or worse when I get photographed 


not looking great and some asshole in Peo- 
ble or Us writes some catty, snide remark. 
PLAYBOY: That, apparently, comes with the 
fame. Were you prepared for it? 

CHER: You can't be. You never think you're 
going to be famous. Then you never think 
you're gonna be as famous as you are 
Then you think you're not gonna be fa- 
mous for long. Many others have had a 
much more difficult time giving up their 
privacy than I have, but it's something you 
don't know about at first; then, once you're 
in it, it’s too late. 

I was a poor girl from the Valley. How in 
the fuck would í know what [ was going to 
do? Sonny had a little more preparation, 
but it was the preparation of ten years’ 
worth of failure. So 1 met him and we be- 
came famous. I'm thrilled and delighted. 
It was what I wanted. But you never know 
the price. And the price is big time, you 
know? People will never really know the 
truth about me unless they hear me say it. 
And I just can’t go around righting all the 
wrongs people say about me. 

PLAYBOY: How do you keep all of that from 

getting to you? 

CHER: Somehow, it never stops. You have to 

This is part of it.” If something hurts, 

it’s always going to hurt you. It’s what it is. 

. like getting your bikini line 

ed—you know it’s always going to 
hurt, but you know that's what it is. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ERAO HOLLANO 


making love to my wife is 
amusingly intense; with my 
mistress, it's intensely amusing 


ON a MOONLESS NIGHT in March, returning 
to The Keep, I took the coast road from 
Bath to Belfast in Maine, the road that 
goes by Camden. In every cove was fog 
and it covered one’s vision like a winding 
sheet, a fog more than worthy of the long 
rock shelf offshore where sailing ships 
used to founder. When I could not see at 
all, I would pull the car over; then the 
grinding of the buoys would sound as 
mournful as the lowing of cattle in a 
rain-drenched field. The silence of the 
mist came down on me. You could hear 
the groan of a drowning sailor in the lap- 
ping of that silence. 1 think you had to be 
demented to take the coast road on a 
night like this. 

Past Camden, the wind sprang up, the 
fog departed, and soon the driving was 
worse. With the shift in the weather, a 
cold rain came. On some of those curves, 
the highway had turned to ice. Going in- 
to skids, my tires sang like a choir in a 
country church surrounded by forest 
demons. Now and again would appear a 
shuttered town where each streetlight 
was equal to a beacon at sea. Empty sum- 
mer houses, immanent as a row of tombs, 
stood in witness. 

I was full of bad conscience. The road 
had become a lie. It would offer traction, 
then turn to glass. Driving that car by the 
touch of my finger tips, I began to think 
once more that lying was an art and fine 


fiction 


By NORMAN MAILER 


PLAYBOY 


lying had to be a fine art. The finest liar 
in the land must be the ice monarch who 
sat in dominion on the curve of the road 

My mistress was behind me in Bath, 
and my wife awaited me near the island 
of Mount Desert. I was a fine liar. The ice 
monarch had installed his agents in my 
heart. I will spare you the story I told Kit- 
tredge about transactions that would oc- 
cupy me in Portland until evening and so 
cause my late return to Mount Desert. 
No, all business had been transacted in 
Bath, and in the merry arms of one of 
the wives of Bath. By acceptable meas- 
ure, she did not have much to offer 
against my mate. The woman in Bath 
was pretty, whereas my dear wife was a 
beauty. Chloe was cheerful and Kittredge 
was—I apologize for so self-serving a 
word—distinguished. Of Kittredge’s 
family and mine, you have heard a lit- 
tle—we were only third cousins, but even 
our noses looked alike. Whereas Chloe 
was common. (I hate the word but know 
its hold on me.) She was common as 
gravy and heartening to taste. Buxom, 
bountiful, goodhearted, she worked in 
summer as a waitress in a Yankee inn. 
(Let us say: a Yankee-inn-type restaurant 
run by a Greek.) One night a week, on 
the hostess’ night off, Chloe was proud to 
serve as pro-tem hostess. I helped her 
funds a bit. Perhaps other men did, too. 1 
hardly knew. I hardly cared. She was like 
a dish ] had to consume once or twice a 
month. I do not know if it would have 
been three times and more a week if she 
lived just over the hill, but Bath was con- 
siderably more than 100 miles from the 
back side (our word for the back shore) of 
Mount Desert, and so I saw her when 1 
could. 

A liaison with a mistress that is kept so 
infrequently tends, I think, to serve civi- 
lization. If it had been any marriage but 
my own, | would have remarked that a 
double life lived with such moderation 
ought to be excellent—it might make 
both halves more interesting, One could 
remain deeply, if not wholly, in love with 
one’s wife. My occupation offered wis- 
dom on such matters, after all. Did we be- 
gin by speaking of ghosts? My father 
commenced a family line that I continue: 
spooks. In Intelligence, it is not uncom- 
mon to discover the natural fragmenta- 
tion of the heart. We made an in-depth 
psychological study once in the CIA and 
learned to our dismay (it was really hor- 
ror!) that one third of the men and wom- 
en who could pass our security clearance 
might be nonetheless viable—if ap- 
proached properly—to be turned into 
agents of a foreign power. “Potential de- 
fectors are at least as plentiful as poten- 
tial alcoholics,” was the cheerful rule of 
thumb we ended with on that one, 

Afier so many years of work with im- 
perfect people, I had learned, therefore, 
to live a little with the lapses of others so 


long as they did not endanger too much. 
Yet my own defection from the marital 
absolute left me ill with fear. On this 
night of blind driving to which I have in- 
troduced you, I was half certain that the 
car and I would have a wreck. I felt 
caught in invisible and monstrous trans- 
actions. It seemed—suspend all logic— 
that dreadful things might happen to 
others if I stayed alive. Can you under- 
stand? I do not pretend: I think some- 
thing of the logic of the suicide is in such 
thoughts. Kittredge, who has a fine 
mind, full of apergus, once remarked that 
all extreme acts—suicide, murder and 
the rest of the taboo—might be better 
understood on the assumption that one 
of two opposed motives is likely to be at 
the root. There is, for example, not one 
answer to the cause of suicide but two: 
People may kill themselves for the obvi- 
ous reason that they are washed up, spir- 
itually humiliated down to zero; equally, 
they can see their suicide as an honorable 
termination of deep-seated terror. Some 
people, said Kittredge, become so ghost- 
ridden, so mired in evil spirits, that they 
believe they can destroy whole armies of 
malignity by their own demise. It is like 
burning an infested barn to wipe out the 
termites who might otherwise get to the 
house. 

Say much the same for murder. An 
abominable act that, nonetheless, can be 
patriotic. Kittredge and I did not talk 
long about murder. It was a family em- 
barrassment. My father had once spent 
two years trying to get Fidel Castro assas- 
sinated. 

Let me return, however, to that icy 
road. There, if my sense of preservation 
kept a light touch on the wheel, my con- 
science was ready to crush it. I had shat- 
tered more than a marriage vow. I had 
broken a lover's vow. Kittredge and I had 
been fabulous lovers, by which I do not 
intend anything so grandiose as banging 
away till the dogs howl. No, back to the 
root of the word. We were fabulous lovers. 
Our marriage was the conclusion to one 
of those stern myths that instruct us in 
tragedy. If I sound like the wind of an ass 
in whistling about myself on such a high 
note, it is because I do not have the habit 
of describing our love. Normally, I can- 
not refer to it. Happiness and absolute 
sorrow flow together from the common 
wound of our life. 

Let me give the facts. They are brutal, 
but better than sentimental obfuscation. 
Kittredge had had but two men in her 
life—her first husband and myself. We 
began our affair while she was still mar- 
ried to him. Only a few months after she 
betrayed him—and he was the kind of 
man who would certainly think in terms 
of betrayal—he took a terrible fall in a 
rock climb and broke his back. He had 
been the lead, and when he went, the 
youth who was belaying him from the 


ledge below was pulled along. The an- 
chor jerked out of the rock. Christopher, 
the adolescent killed in the fall, was their 
only child. 

Kittredge could never forgive her hus- 
band. Christopher was sixteen and not 
especially well coordinated. He should 
never have been taken along on that par- 
ticular rock face. But then, how could she 
forgive herself? Our affair sat over her 
head. She took care of the funeral, 
buried Christopher and watched over 
her husband during the twenty weeks he 
was in the hospital. Soon after he came 
home, Kittredge chose to get into a warm 
bath one night and cut each of her wrists 
with a sharp kitchen blade, after which 
she lay back and prepared to bleed to 
death in her tub. But she was saved. 

By me. She had allowed no communi- 
cation since the day of the fall. News so 
terrible had divided the ground between 
us like a fissure in earth that leaves two 
neighboring homes a gaping mile apart. 
God might as well have spoken. She told 
me not to see her. I did not try. On the 
night, however, that she took the knife to 
her wrists, I had (on a mounting sense of 
unease) flown up from Washington, 
D.C., to Boston, then to Bangor, and 
rented a car to go on to Mount Desert. I 
heard her calling to me from caverns so 
deep in herself she was never aware of 
her own voice. І arrived at a silent house 
and let myself in through a window. Back 
on the first floor was an invalid and his 
nurse; on the second, a wife presumably 
asleep in a far-off bed. When her bath- 
room door was locked and she did not re- 
ply I broke in. Ten minutes more would 
have been too late. 

We went back to our affair. Now there 
was no question. Shocked by tragedy, cer- 
tified by loss and offered dignity by 
thoughts we could send to each other, we 
were profoundly in love. 

The Mormons believe that you enter 
into marriage not only for this life but, if 
you are married in the Temple, will 
spend eternity with your mate. I am no 
Mormon, but even by their elevated meas- 
ure, we were in love. [ could not conceive 
that 1 would ever be bored in her pres- 
ence either side of the grave. Time spent 
with her would live forever in the sensu- 
ous sea of time; other people impinged 
upon us as if they entered our room 
holding a clock in their hand. 

We had not begun in so inspired a 
place. Before the disaster on the rock 
face, we had liked each other enormous- 
ly, we were third cousins kissing. The 
tincture of incest enriched the bliss. But 
it was qualified stuff. We were not ready 
to die for one another, just off on a 
wicked streak. Her husband, Hugh Mon- 
tague, took on more importance, after 

(continued on page 196) 


“Twenty-two East Ferndale. Stop in his driveway and lean on your horn!” 


89 


MAN 


WITH A 


PAST 


article By PETE HAMILL 


OR A LONG TIME NOW, I've known 

that 1 could never be President 

of the United States. This is 

very sad, because all Americans, 

and particularly the children of im- 

migrants, are brought up believing 

that the Oval Office is within their reach. 

The advent of Ronald Reagan only un- 

derlined such gaudy ambitions. After all, 

if Reagan could become President, any- 
body could. 

But even if that hope had burned with- 
in my rib cage (and it never has), the job 
would be forever barred to me. I hold 
membership in that huge fraternity of 
the damned, whose future is permanent- 
ly limited. Membership in that group 
prevented Douglas Ginsburg from as- 
cending to the Supreme Court. It has 
ruined others. It haunts millions of 
Americans who did not honor the boy 
scouts’ oath in the Sixties, people who 
smoked dope, joined campus riots, beat 
the draft: those whose lives were so pain- 
fully re-examined after Dan Quayle was 
chosen by George Bush as a candidate for 
Vice-President. Like all of them, I'm a 
man with a past. 

То be sure, in my case, the past is not 
all that terrible. I never murdered any- 
one. I didnt embezzle millions from a 
bank. I traded no secrets with an enemy. 
But in the peculiar country in which we 
now live, my past is enough. It is certainly 
more serious than smoking a few joints. 

The story is a simple one. Late one 
night in 1956, when this magazine was 
barely out of labor, I went to a street in 
Mexico City named Calle de Esperanza. 


"This was December eighth, on the eve of 
the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, an 
enormous holiday in Mexico. Í was in the 
country as an art student on the Gi Bill, 
and my companion of the night wasa chi- 
cano from Los Angeles named Manny. In 
the spirit of religious exaltation, we were 
heading fora whorehouse. 

We found about two dozen of them on 
Calle de Esperanza, which was beyond 
the Avenida San Juan de Letran, on the 
wild side of town. In those days, the 
cheap working-class bordellos were at 
street level, with large doors opening 
into a parlor and windows without panes 
cut into the doors. The customers—and 
there were dozens of them that night— 
walked the length of the street, perusing 
the women before bartering their ten pe- 
sos for a little ecstasy. Manny and I 
looked through the windows into the 
parlors, where girls of various ages and 
weights sat on worn sofas or funeral-par- 
lor folding chairs, like so many drawings 
by Pa: The Mexicans called them las 
mujeres de la vida galante—the women of 
the gallant life. Some smiled. Most read 
comics. In the corner of each parlor, you 
could see a small altar with a glorious 
lithograph of the Virgin of Guadalupe, 
Mexico's patron saint. There were paper 
flowers before the sacred image, each al- 
tar decorated with silver foil from 
cigarette packs, shaped by the Mexican 
genius for the baroque. 

I remember walking the length of 
the street, while tinny mariachi music 
warred with love songs by the Trio Los 
Panchos. And in one of the parlors, I saw 
a frail young woman who aroused my 
sentiments. Í passed her place, made an- 
other reconnaissance of the street and 
returned. I leaned through the window 
and asked in my dreadful Spanish for 
her name. She never answered. One of 
the older women of the gallant life 
heaved a pan of water at me. 1 don't know 
why. Maybe she'd had a bad time with 
gringos the week before or had lost a 
great-great-grandfather in the Mexican 
War or was honorably defending the 
Spanish language from the barbarians. 
For whatever reason, she threw the water. 
And I reacted. At the time, 1 was 21, a 
barely civilized mug from Brooklyn, and 
I had grown up believing that if you 
shove me, I shove you back. Soina reflex 


action, I shoved back, ramming my 
shoulder against the window frame. 

The door came off its hinges and fell 
into the parlor, with the water-throwing 
whore under it, and I charged forward. 
Poor Manny was alarmed. Gringos were 
not advised to brawl in whorehouses in 
those days in Mexico. I stood on the door 
and the gallant woman under it began to 
scream. The other whores attacked, bat- 
tering me with pocketbooks, ashtrays 
and at least one tray of tacos. I instantly 
retreated, Manny took my arm. "Let's get 
the fuck out of here,” he said. And we 
started to leave the Calle de Esperanza. 

We went two blocks on foot and then 
ran into a few other gringo pilgrims. 
They had a car and when we blurted out 
our tale, they offered us a ride. We 
climbed into their car and the driver 
started going fast down darkened streets. 
Suddenly, ina small plaza, we were cut off 
by a taxicab. From out of the cab came 
two of the whores and two policemen. 

“Eso es!” one of the whores said, point- 
ing at me. “Este cabron, eso es!” And then 
the cops were pointing guns at us and or- 
dering us out of the car. Manny, who 
spoke good Spanish, did most of the talk- 
ing, but he wasn't very convincing. The 
cops ordered us back into the car and 
climbed in after us. One of them sat on 
my lap in the back. The cops started giv- 
ing directions—left here, right there, ala 
derecha, a la izquierda —while the whores 
went off in the taxicab. Manny was in 
front with a cop between him and the 
driver. The two other gringos were be- 
side me. Obviously, we were under arrest. 
All of us, though I was the guilty party. 
Still, it seemed like a small thing. A bro- 
ken door, that was all. Wed settle it at the 
police station, hand over our cash and go 
home. 

But then, as the cop ordered an izquier- 
da, the driver took a derecha. The cop on 
my lap started cursing him. And then the 
guy beside me changed everything. He 
threw a punch at thecop in the front seat, 
the driver panicked, the car skidded, ev- 
eryone was shouting and we spun to a 
halt. Since the cop on my lap could hard- 
ly miss, I pushed down on the door han- 
die and he and I rolled out. I got up and 
started to run. I heard a pistol go off. I 
heard three bullets whiz past me. I ran. 

‘And then, up ahead of me, there was a 


in the land of the brave and the free, your future may depend оп... 


ILLUSTRATIONS EY KINUKO Y. CRAFT 


blue wall of police. The luck of the Irish 
had held: I'd chosen the street where the 
police station was located. The cops pro- 
ceeded to beat the crap out of me. 

Many days later, 1 was finally released 
on bail from the infamous Black Palace 
of the Lecumberri. I was charged with 
lesiones (causing cuts with punches), de- 
struction of property (that whorehouse 
door), resisting arrest and stealing a po- 
licemans pistol. Under the terms of bail, 
I was restricted to Mexico City and had 
to report to an office in the prison once a 
month. There were a few hilarious hear- 
ings before a magistrate, with the whores 
describing in exquisite detail their heroic 
resistance to the foreign invasion. The 
charge of stealing a pistol was dropped, 
because I had been arrested immediately 
and obviously hadn't been carrying any- 
one’s pistol. The hearings were post- 
poned month after month. And in May, 
when the school term was over and the 
legal process was still grinding slowly 
along, | left the country. 

I've been back to Mexico many times 
since then; it remains the country 1 love 
most after my own. And years ago, 1 had 
some friendsin the Mexican foreign serv- 
ice check the legal records to see if | was 
still wanted for lesiones and bail jumping. 
They told me there were no records of 
my youthful felonies; if they existed at 
all, they were rotting away in some for- 
gotten warehouse. But I know that this 
episode, a kid's wild night, was never tru- 
ly resolved. 1 committed crimes, includ- 
ing the open-ended one of jumping bail. 
And the night of December 8, 1956, 
lingers in my consciousness. If 1 ever had 
to submit myself to the scrutiny of a Con- 
gressional hearing, or the mass attention 
of the nation's press, I would be doomed. 

That vulnerability to intense scrutiny 
is true of many human beings. In my 
own case, the night long ago in Mexico 
wasnt the only event in my life that 
would curl the hair of Sam Nunn. Any 
decent man with a past has committed 
more than one sin. When I was young, 
and still drinking, I had literally hun- 
dreds of bar fights, rolling around on the 
floor with people in Brooklyn and Pen- 
sacola, New Orleansand Jacksonville and 
a lot of places in between. None of those 
rowdy evenings were admirable and I am 
certainly not bragging about them. 1 


what's behind you 


hurt people. Some of them were hurt 
badly enough to go to hospitals, and none 
of that can be excused by saying that 1 
was often hurt, too. Sometimes 1 was 
right, sometimes 1 was wrong. In every 
case, | was doing things that are not done 
by judges, Presidents or Secretaries of 
State. 

‘And if youthful bar fighting would be 
a liability in my personal Congressional 
hearing, my days and nights with women 
would be even more treacherous. There, 
too, Lam a man with a past. 

I wish 1 could say that in every long re- 
lationship or brief encounter I ever had 
with a woman, I behaved impeccably: 
kind, reasonable, generous. Alas, that 
would be a terrible lie. The truth is that 
in my time on this planet, 1 have behaved 
the way many human beings do. That is 
to say, 1 was often capable of fierce 
angers, personal treasons, stupid jeal- 
ousies, occasional cruelties. 1 was also 
sweet, loyal, trusting, polite and kind. I 
did few things that other human beings, 
male and female, had not done before me 
and will not do long after I've been 
tucked into the earth. But I would not 
like to submit my past to a grand jury, to 
sit and wait while the witnesses paraded 
in to testify under oath for the prosecu- 
tion. Nobody would. 

E 


1 relate all this personal history be- 
cause, as a card-carrying man with a 
past, I’ve come to believe that something 
dreadfully sad and terribly self-defeat- 
ing is going on in American life. Some- 
how, we have come to demand perfection 
in our public men. And that trend is cer- 
tain to make us a less vital nation. 

In the past year, we have seen Gary 
Hart forever eliminated from American 
politics and joseph Biden rudely shoved 
out of the Presidential race. Each was 
punished for present-day offenses, of 
course; Hart with a woman, Biden for 
plagiarism. But those mistakes will now 
be incorporated into their résumés; they 
will cart them around for the rest of their 
lives. The stories of their mistakes will be 
included in their obituaries. Each has be- 
come a man with a past. 

They are not alone. Baseball fans will 
never look at Dwight Gooden the same 
innocent way they did in the first three 
glorious seasons he had with the Mets. 


Cocaine has made him a man with a past. 
The same has happened to Mercury 
Morris, Michael Ray Richardson, Steve 
Howe and dozens of others. Some have 
recovered and come back, but their sins 
still haunt them. Only his admission of 
cocaine use could keep Keith Hernandez 
out of the Hall of Fame. For some people, 
Norman Mailer will always be the writer 
who stabbed his wife. Edward Kennedy 
will carry Chappaquiddick with him to 
the grave. 

o be sure, some people should never 
be forgiven; Richard Nixon did such 
broad damage to the nation that he de- 
serves ostracism by his fellow citizens and 
the harshest judgment of history And 
certainly, we must be rigorous in select- 
ing leaders who will have in their hands 
the power to obliterate life on the earth. 
Character does matter. In the case of 
Nixon, for example, there was along and 
tawdry precede to the Watergate scan- 
dals; from his entrance into politics, 
there was something smarmy and unreli- 
able about the man. There were so many 
"new" Nixons that journalists gave up 
trying to define them, until he defined 
himself once and for all with Watergate. 
American politics and journalism were 
drastically changed by the realization 
that Lyndon Johnson's Vietnam disaster 
and the overlapping crimes that made up 
Watergate could be traced to the charac- 
ters of the men who made the decisions. 

But to equate Vietnam or Watergate to 
the smoking of some marijuana, as was 
done in the case of Judge Ginsburg, is ab- 
surd. And to bar human beings from 
public life because of their youthful fol- 
lies isa waste of potentially fine talent. 

Our present obsession with the purity 
of our leaders can be traced to a variety 
of factors. The lessons of Vietnam and 
Watergate are only part of the general 
pattern. On one level, we have never 
been able to completely shake the her- 
itage of the Puritan tradition, with its 
Manichaean vision of human beings. 
That tradition insists that men are good 
or bad; there is no room for a warm 
shade of gray. In our worst periods, the 
puritanical obsession sends us in pursuit 
of various heretics: sexual, political or 
artistic. We insist on conformity to a com- 
mon good as defined by the puritanical 
tradition. From the Salem witch trials to 


PLAYBOY 


the era of Joe McCarthy, we have been 
too easily prepared to cast out Devils and 
condemn them to eternal damnation. 

We have also been taught by the narra- 
tives of television and the movies (and 
their predecessors in pulp fiction and 
comic books) to believe in heroes. A ma- 
ture man doesn't need heroes in his life; 
they should be for children, cartoons of 
real people serving as models for behav- 
ior. But the infantile hunger for heroes is 
hard to shake. And since there are so few 
heroes in human experience, we insist on 
their counterfeits. Alas, the heroes of 
most popular fiction are two-dimensional 
beings without flaws or depth. But Amer- 
icans now insist that their politicians em- 
ulate these fictional beings, to live in the 
world without sexual desire, confusion, 
anger or fear. 

‘Television has made the process even 
more simple-minded, because the form 
demands that all revelations of character 
fit into 20-second bites. Complex ideas 
must be reduced to one-liners. The 
mood must always be “up” or charged 
with just anger. Heat is preferred to illu- 
mination, conflict to analysis. Statements 
must include their own happy endings. It 
is impossible to imagine Lincoln or Jef- 
ferson or either of the Roosevelts con- 
fining himself or his ideas to such a rigid 
format. But today’s political leaders have 
learned to play the modern game. They 
know that to be successful, they must 
somehow look like the image of Reagan 
in his TV commercials, riding а horse 
while bathed in the golden sun of the fa- 
bled American West. It doesn't matter 
that the image is a lie. It isa waste of time 
to point out that Reagan was never a cow- 
boy and that the West of the pulps and 
the movies never existed. The important 
thing is that the lie is heroic. In the 
present tense of the television commer- 
cial, we are told that the man himself has 
no past other than that of the country he 
wants to rule. These boyish men of the 
eternal present are most often granted 
the prize of power; it is denied to any 
man with a past. 


. 

I'm sorry: In the perilous world in 
which we live, Га much rather be led by 
such a man. The boy-scout types who of- 
fer us their immaculate records for in- 
spection are people with too many merit 
badges and not enough knowledge of the 
world. Thats why they talk so much 
about being “tough.” While they were 
grinding away at their perfect lifetime 
résumés, they had very little opportunity 
to display their toughness against real 
tough guys. One result: They go into the 
Presidency or the Senate or city hall try- 
ing to display cojones they never dis- 
played in schoolyards or alleys when they 
were young. 

It becomes very easy, then, for a slick 
paladin such as Elliott Abrams, who 


missed Vietnam, to sit in an office in 
Washington, his hands clean and his 
nails manicured, and show how tough he 
is by signing papers that get people 
killed in Nicaragua. It becomes easy fora 
President who spent World War Two 
making training films out of the Brown 
Derby to send Marines to Beirut, where 
they end up getting blown to pieces. 
When I went to Vietnam as a correspond- 
ent, I always looked for a man with a 
past—some tough noncom who had 
fought in Korea and whose ideas of war- 
fare had not been formed by the movies. 
1 wanted to stay alive and I sought out 
men who knew how to do that. None of 
them looked like Rambo. They didnt 
show off the steroid toughness of the 
Nautilus machine. But they were tough 
in the way that prize fighters are tough: 
They didnt brag and they didn't boast, 
because they knew themselves and re- 
spected their enemies. A man who has 
had the crap beaten out of him, who has 
been afraid on a battlefield, who knows 
what physical pain is like won't very easily 
send kids off to die. 

Physical courage is not, of course, the 
only measure of a man. Moral toughness 
is even more important. But, once again, 
I prefer the scarred brows of the man 
with a past to the man who has never had 
to struggle toward the right decision be- 
cause he has made no decisions at all. A 
man who decides to live his life mstead of 
merely performing itis a man who makes 
choices every day. If Gary Hart had been 
free of the constrictions of religion when 
he was young, and sown his wild oats in 
those years, he might have handled the 
affairs of his maturity with more grace. 
His self-destruction wasn't about sex; it 
was about his cowardice in the face of the 
conventional pieties. Hart clearly felt that 
if he admitted to having had sexual rela- 
tions with a woman other than his wife, 
the country’s wrath would fall upon him. 
So he lied. And the country's wrath fell 
upon him anyway. He was instantly 
transformed from a man with a future 
into a man witha past. 

That is a dreadful and stupid waste of 
a talented man, even if his wounds were 
self-inflicted. Just once, I'd like to hear 
an American politician admit that he was 
sleeping with a woman who was not his 
wife and then ask what that had to do 
with his ability to end homelessness, con- 
trol inflation, repair the infrastructure of 
roads and bridges or deal with foreign 
enemies. Just telling the bald truth might 
make him the most popular politician in 
the country. In one stroke, he would deal 
a mighty blow to the prevailing hy- 
pocrisy. Many would admire his candor. 
Others would feel a kinship to the man 
and sympathy for the woman. A loud mi- 
nority of preachers would thump the 
drums of the sacred against this instance 


of the profane and, in the best religious 
spirit, take up some extra collections. But 
there would be many who would feel, as I 
do, that a man who was savoring the de- 
lights of the earth would be unlikely to 
blow it apart. 

Hart, alas, graduated into manhood 
without the education that comes from 
having a rowdy past. There are far too 
many others like him—tight, controlled, 
driven men who form their goals when 
young and move along a smooth, pol- 
ished corridor without the deviations 
that make us all human. That is worse 
than sad; itis dangerous. As this country 
moves toward the 215: Century, we will be 
weaker, less worldly, more dangerously 
innocent if the ludicrous insistence on 
the immaculate becomes dogma. 1 don't 
want leaders who love humanity and 
know nothing about people. 1 don't want 
judges who are icy neuters retailing the 
abstractions of law; 1 want judges who 
understand how human beings can fall 
because they have fallen themselves. The 
insistence on perfection is based on a de- 
sire for utopia. And the utopian impulse 
has killed millions in this century. 

In war or politics, I would much prefer 
to cast my fortunes with the man with a 
past. He has tested academic theory 
against his own experience, measured 
the grand abstractions against the squal- 
realities of the world and has usually 
ved at what used tu be called wisdom. 
By living a life, he understands other 
lives. He is never rigid. He suspects all 
dogma. He is skeptical without being 
cynical. He is almost always more com- 
passionate than other men, more 
thoughtful, more forgiving of himself 
and others, He has embraced life instead 
of holding it at arm's length and, thu: 
ways has time for loving women, raising 
children and smelling the flowers. He 
looks at death without fear, knowing that 
its certainty only makes more urgent the 
duty to love life. 

In these last years of this dreadful cen- 
tury, Americans seem more bored and 
unhappy than at any other time in my 
years on the earth. Millions of them 
prefer the stupefaction of drugs to the 
lucid delights of seeing the world plain 
Millions choose not to vote. Millions 
knock themselves stupid before television 
sets instead of exploring the darkness on 
the edge of town. But in their insistence 
on human perfection, they have only 
themselves to blame for the malaise. Just 
once before I die, I'd like to vote for a 
man who admits to a roaring youth spent 
getting drunk, getting laid and get- 
ting in trouble. Just once, I'd like to 
meet a politician who had caroused on a 
bad midnight through the Calle de Es- 
peranza. Just once. 

Alas, I fear I never will. 


“Santa! Don't jump!” 


—- L. 


REVIEW 


a roundup of the past delightful dozen 


WHO DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE 
PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR? 


trs TIME again to choose the year's 
number-one Playmate. In the four 
years since our readers started lit- 
erally voicing their opinions, this 
annual phone frenzy has grown to 
be one of Playboys most popular 
traditions. It’s simple—just pick up 
your phone and dial the 11-digit 
number next to the photo of your 
favorite miss. Each call will be tal- 
lied by AT&T'S hard-working 
computer, which will be taking 
calls 24 hoursa day from 12:01 am. 
E.ST. October 24 through mid- 
night E.S.T. November 20. The 
cost is just 50 cents per call—a 
thrifty opportunity to peddle your 
influence. If you call from outside 
the 50 states, or from Canada, the 
US. Virgin Islands or Puerto Rico, 
you'll be charged regular long-dis- 


ai 


Indio Allen, aur reigning Playmate af the 
Year, adds а little light to the life of ane of 
the thausonds of readers who telephoned to 
rally round her successful candidacy last year. 


tance rates. Calls from astronauts 
in flight are refundable if ap 
proved by NASA. We're kidding, 
but last year, readers called from as 
far away as Hong Kong, proving 
that man will goto great lengths to 
express his admiration for a wom- 
an he loves. And this year’s Play- 
mates, we think you'll agree, are 
deserving of all the admiration we 
can give them. If the number of 
calls we received last year is a fair 
projection, we expect to receive 
more than 100,000 votes, so get 
yours in early. Take time to con- 
duct a leisurely evaluation of the 
photos on the following pages, 
choose your favorite Playmate and 
then give us a call. Your favorite cen- 
terfold lady will be glad you did. 


TAKE A CHANCE ON TALKING WITH 
YOUR FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


As а special bonus, you may have a chance to talk with 
the Playmate of your dreams. Each day during the 
phone-in period, at least one of 1988's 12 centerfold 
beauties will personally answer randomly selected calls 


So if Lady Luck is with you when you call, you may 
have a person-to-person conversation with one of the 12 
loveliest women on earth. Reach out and touch some- 
опе gorgeous. We look forward to heari 


from you. 


“My life has changed dramatically since I moved from Vancouver to Los Angeles,” says Kimberley 
Conrad (right). Indeed it has. She posed for a Playboy cover (“one of my fondest dreams”), had a 
part in a movie (Beverly Hills Brats, out this winter) and—best of all—got engaged to Hef. Small 
wonder she says, “It's a fairy-tale romance come true and I'm extremely happy." 


Miss Movember 


1-900-720-6321 


When we checked in with Pia Reyes (above), she'd just returned from her first Playmate-promotional- 
tour appearance. been trying to get myself ready to take advantage of being a Playmate,” she 
said, “by getting in top shape.” To be fit, she runs three rigorous miles a day five days a week and 
adds, “I've been taking acting classes and am on the lookout for a theatrical agent.” 


| Miss March 
1-900-720-6081 


Susie Owens (right) says, 
"Since my pictorial, I've 
developed my business as a 
personal fitness trainer for 
women. My approach is 
still a down-to-earth, gutsy 
one. I'm also doing my 
series of lectures, 'Females 
& Fitness, in the Dallas 
area." By the time you read 
this, Susie will have 
finished her first book 
on—you guessed it— 
“women and fitness.” 


1-900-720-6161 


“One of the nicest things 
E N that have happened to 

MEN me since becoming a 
Playmate,” says Emily 
Arth (left), “was that I 
was on the Donahue 
show. It was wonderful. 

1 The topic was female sexu- 

| ality, and the folks ragged 
me a lot for being a 
Playmate, but in a nice way. 
When 1 saw the tape later, 
though, I was surprised at 
how young I sounded.” 


Miss May 


1-900-720-6141 


Diana Lee (right) went to 

Mexico in September to 

take a part in License 

Revoked, the forthcoming 

James Bond movie starring 

Timothy Dalton, and she’s 

= still dancing with Tandy 
Ven Beal and Company in 
Santa Cruz. But the best 

thing that has happened 

to her lately is that she 

has become the wife of 

Playboy Contributing Pho- 

tographer Stephen Wayda. 


Miss December 
1-900-720-6331 


Kata Kärkkäinen (left) 
enjoyed her latest visit to 
America so much that she's 
planning to move here. The 
former Finnish women's 
bowling champion (for 
girls 18 and under) 
observed this about 
American men: “They 

have hairier chests than 
European guys.” She also 
appreciates all you hairy- 
chested guys calling in to 
voice your support. 


Miss July 
1-900-720-6211 


Terri Lynn Doss (right), 
recently returned from tap- 
ing several segments of 
Star Search. “Ym compet- 
ing in the spokesmodel cat- 
egory, but I don't know if 
ГИ win,” she said, 
“because all the other girls 
are real tall model types 
and I'm barely five-six and 
a half.” She has just fin- 
ished her first movie, 
Roadhouse, starring 
Patrick Swayze. 


Y 


Miss April 
1-900-720-6101 


Eloise Broady (left) has a 
face you'll be seeing a lot 
of during the next few 
months, “I've done five 
television commercials 
since my pictorial, as 
well as three films, 
including Troop Beverly 
Hills, starring Shelley 
Long,” scheduled for 
release next summer. Her 
son Justin, ten, has been 
learning to fly a helicopter 
(“Не% a natural”). 


Miss September 
1-900-720-6241 


Laura Richmond (right) 
plans to return to college 
next fall to get her degree 

in English. Meanwhile, 
shell be performing with 
‘Torture Chorus at the 

Franklin Furnace in New 
York. “We'll be doing the 
Moors Murderers—Myra 

Hindley and Ian Bradey— 
the most famous murder 
team in recent British his- 
tory,” she says. (She'll be 
playing Myra.) 


Miss February 


1-900-720-6071 


Since Kari Kennell (left) 
appeared on our center- 
fold, she has done several 
commercials, including 
ones for a soft drink, a 
beer and а fast-food fran- 
chise, For a noncareer 
event, she has become 
engaged to an actor-model, 
“but we haven't set a date 
yet" Meanwhile, she says, 
she’s going to “stay in Los 
Angeles and keep working 
оп my acting." 


Miss October 


1-900-720-6261 


Aussie beauty Shannon Long (below) says she used her Playmate money to “get a better apartment, 
closer to the beach in Surfers Paradise,” but otherwise, this carefree outdoors lover remains “the 

same laid-back person I've always been. I'm too shy to act and I'm not ambitious about a modeling 
career. Basically, I just like to relax and take things as they come.” 


Miss Диди} 
1-900-720-6221 


Helle Michaelsen (right) was a cause célèbre at home in Denmark, she says. “ 


. “Playboy is the top 
mens magazine here, and usually, we see only American girls in it, so it's really a big deal to have a 


Danish Playmate.” Helle has had parts in two films since her centerfold appeared, “thanks to 
Playboy,” and plans to return to Los Angeles next year to study acti 


OCA AAG 


NEW YORK’S 
MOST 
ELOQUENT 
STREET 
REPORTER 

ON THE 
WORLD’S MOST 
DANGEROUS 
DRUG 


article 


By JIMMY BRESLIN 


HERE THEY WERE in the night, dressed like they were Lord May- 
ors, gold chains as thick as forearms hanging around their 
necks, sitting in a white Excalibur that was stuck among all the 
limousines, Jaguars and Rolls-Royce convertibles in the circu- 
lar driveway in front of the hotel. 

‘The doorman walked down the line of cars to the Excalibur 
and pointed to an empty alley on his right. “You're not picking 
up anybody; you can go out that way” 

"The guy driving the Excalibur pointed to the crowd in front 
of the hotel. This was Atlantic City, just after the heavyweight- 
championship fight. “If I do that, how they goin’ notice те?” 


ILAUSTRATION BY MARSHALL ARISMAN 


It took them an hour to creep into the lights in front of the 
hotel. The two got out and stood in the driveway with their 
heads high, arrogant high, my man, and they smoothed their 
pants, and three blacks ın a Rolls convertible waved and they 
nodded regally and now four young black men, their fingers 
heavy with gold, stood in front of the hotel and hailed the Ex- 
calibur. 

"Fine-looking ride you got,” one of them said. 

The driver tipped his head. He got back into the Excalibur 
and sat with his hand on the side of the car, and the lights hit 
the line of diamonds on his fingers and the diamonds blazed; 


109 


PLAYBOY 


110 


and I saw that all over the driveway, 
lounging in these Jaguars and Rolls- 
Royces with their license plates from 
Dade County and Broward County, in 
Florida, from Illinois and Pennsylvania 
and New Jersey and New York, were peo- 
ple who knew one another by sight; 
blacks who had spent $1500 to sit at 
ringside or were such high rollers that 
the hotel had bought tickets for them. 
There were virtually no blacks in any of 
the cheaper seats. As they greeted one 
another, it became a ceremony. The guy 
driving the Excalibur moved his hand 
just slightly, and the light caught his dia- 
monds from all angles and his hand was 
one bright blink, and now I realized that 
1 wasnt at а heavyweight-championship 
fight but at the coronation of a new class 
of American mobster. 

Of course, they were drug dealers. For 
as the Excalibur moved slowly, it rolled 
over something—a piece of glass, a shell 
from the beach, a gambling chip—and 
there was a cracking sound: the bones of 
people in the housing projects being 
crushed again by mobsters, this time by 
their own. 

In memory, in my time, in my business, 
there was Anthony “Tony Pro” Proven- 
zano, lounging in the Federal courtroom 
in Newark on the day he was to be sen- 
tenced for being a gangster, his arm 
draped on the back of a bench, and the 
light coming through the high windows 
causing his diamond pinkie ring to blaze. 
That was 25 years ago, and Tony Pro was 
the beacon for crime in this country. He 
was Mafia, Teamsters. 

And now, all these years later, Tony Pro 
has been in and out of jail a few umes, 
but his form of gangster endures: In At- 
lantic City the light blazing on the fingers 
of the guy in the Excalibur told you that 
we have our first black wise guys. 

It should have been a sign of health. 
Every immigrant race started in this 
country by controlling its own crime, ex- 
cept the blacks. While blacks played 
numbers, they could only work as run- 
ners in the numbers rackets for Italian 
mobsters. While blacks used drugs and 
peddled them on the streets, they had to 
buy their supply from both Jews and the 
Mafia. 

Major criminals were white; long-term 
prisoners were black. 

And now, suddenly, on this night in At- 
lantic City, blacks sat in diamonds in their 
$100,000 cars and announced that, 
finally, they controlled their own crime. 
What they have found to control is the 
dirt from the bottom of a grave. 

They run a drug called crack, whi 
cocaine smoked in a glass pipe and which 
goes to the head immediately. There 
have been three great movements of our 
time that have occurred without the 
politicians’ and the reporters’ realizing 
they were happening until they were 


over: The first was the civil rights move- 
ment, the second was the women's move- 
ment, the third is crack. 


. 

One of the first things 1 remember 
about crack is that itarrived with swarms 
of bees. You usually think of bees as 
something from the country on shrubs 
in the sun in the summer, but this was on 
a city street called Pitkin Avenue, a place 
of low buildings, many of them burned 
out, all of them seeming to snarl at you— 
get away, get out of here!—in an East 
New York neighborhood. 

‘A couple of hours before, a cop named 
Venable was riding in a police van when 
he saw a man waving frantically. He was 
at the curb when the scarred green door 
to the empty building opened and some- 
body fired an automatic weapon and he 
went down at the curb. Dead at 35. Now, a 
couple of hours later, I walked toward the 
spot where he was killed and the bees 
were everywhere and I had to wave my 
arms as I walked and here at the curb 
was a pool of Officer Venable's blood and 
the swarms of bees raided the surface. 

“They fight you for that. The blood is 
sweet for them,” a woman called from 
across the street in front of the bodega. 

“Who did the shooting?” I asked her. 

“Crack drug. You can't go near them. 
“They're just like the bees over there with 
the blood.” 

Crack is so addictive that nearly all 
whites—even the gas-station and tattoo- 
parlor ruffians—have passed on it. A few 
whites once liked to pretend they were 
black and tried heroin, which is a 
Mounds bar compared with crack. This 
time, some whites rode in over the bridge 
or on the freeway to the bad black neigh- 
borhoods and took it back to Teaneck, 
New Jersey, and Fullerton, California, 
and at first use got the life scared out of 
them. They backed away and left it all for 
the blacks. 

І keep in my house a letter from Bill 
O'Dwyer, who once was the mayor of 
New York, and who wrote to me, “There 
is no power on earth to match the power 
of the poor, who, just by sitting in their 
hopelessness, can bring the rest of us 
down.” It always sounded right, but I 
never saw it happen until crack came 
along. 

And with it, there are no more rules in 
American crime. The implied agree- 
ments on which we were raised are gone. 
You now shoot women and children. A 
news reporter is safe only as long as he is 
not here. A cop in his uniform means 
nothing. 

. 

Kenncdy Airport is the lighthouse of 
crack. Even if cocaine is brought up from 
Miami in rental cars and by 14-year-old 
boys sitting on buses and wearing bul- 
letproof vests and carrying guns and 
kilos of coke, Kennedy, and the neighbor- 


hoods around it—such as Far Rockaway, 
Queens—is the home of crack. From 
Kennedy, it goes everywhere. 

One fall, on 3lst Street in Far Rock- 
away, somebody set fire to the boardwalk 
and a section of it dropped into the sand. 
By summer, what was left standing was 
charred and rippled. A beach in the sum- 
mer is supposed to be a place for summer 
dreams, but on this day, it was deserted. 
Two lifeguards sat on a platform with a 
kid who ate cookies. 

A woman named Ruth was supposed 
to take her little girl, Ebony, onto the 
beach, but she was pregnant with anoth- 
er child and she knew there was nothing 
left of the beach, so she talked the girl 
into an afternoon nap in the four-story 
yellow rooming house nearby. 

A couple of blocks away, a reputed 
crack-peddler man named Robert Roul- 
ston had a fight with his girlfriend in her 
house, and he had been smoking a lot of 
crack, which makes people want to wave 
guns around. He fired a gun and left. 
The girlfriend's brother ran ош to the 
street and waved Officer Scott Gaddell 
over. He saw Roulston running and 
chased him and caught up with him in 
the broken glass of the alley alongside the 
rooming house where Ruth and little 
Ebony were taking their afternoon nap. 

Gadell had six shots in his .38 revolver. 
Roulston had a nine-millimeter semi-au- 
tomatic pistol, which carries as many as 
14 rounds. Gadell and Roulston were no 
more than seven feet apart as they faced 
each other. Between them was a cement 
staircase leading to a cellar. Above their 
heads were the windows of the rooming 
house. And somewhere, only a block or 
so away, were more police. 

Never in modern times have I heard of 
such a thing, a face-off with a cop in the 
sun. It happens only on some television 
show. 

But now there is crack, and Gadell 
knew there were no more rules, so he 
flopped behind the cement staircase and 
Roulston fired. Gadell fired back. The 
shots shattered the window where Ruth 
and Ebony slept and the mother and 
daughter rolled onto the floor, scream- 
ing. Outside, Roulston fired again. 
Gadell, wearing a bulletproof vest, 
looked up from behind the cement stair- 
case to get a better shot and Roulston 
fired a bullet through his neck. Gadeil’s 
blood spilled over the vest and he was 
dead—at 22. 

A piece of grammar school art paper 
was next to him. In crayon were three 
red roses growing out of a clump of 
grass. The name printed across the bot- 
tom was Kawon, It was still there an hour 
after they had taken Gadell’s body away. I 
saw it as I walked around the rooming 
house. I put it into my pocket; death and 
hope beside each other on the same 

(continued on page 210) 


\\ 


mm 


m 


“Come on—uhat better way to end an election year than by getting screwed?” 


11 


Ll 17 $ T j ША 


from manhattan to costa mesa, playboy 


PORSCHE DESIGN 


ہے 


Ws snow far, snow good for 
Porsche Design ski goggles that 
offer glare-free, wrap-around 
polarized protection from UV-B 
rays and ап “ever-clear” design 
that prevents lens fogging, from 
Porsche Design, Costa Mesa, 
California, $95, in mint green, 
pink, yellow, black and while. 


GOOD GUYS 


Sony Corporation of America has 
just infroduced the go-anywhere 
GV-8 Video Walkman, a book- 
sized battery- and A.C. powered 
TV/VCR with а three-inch LCD 
sereen and the capacity to play 
back and record four hours on a 
single 8mm video cassette, from 
Good Guys, San Francisco, $1300. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA 


ES j Ml L t lo E 


shopped for the niftiest presents money can buy 


DAVIDOFF 


For executives who want to m — 
tote their cherished cheroots in 
pristine condition, this mahog- 
any-and-brass case features a re- 
movable humidor,$7100,induding 
a cigar cutter. In the case: Ster- 
ling-silver cigar tubes, 5510 and 
$560, and matchbox holder, $510, 
all бот Davidoff, New York. 


AUDIO CONCEPTS 


Incorporated into Grundig's mag- 
nificent 147-pound gold-plated 
Transrotor Quintessence turntable 
are two motors that drive a 44- 
pound platter serviced by as 
many os three optional tone- 
ams. H distributed by Lex 
tronix and available from Audio 
Concepts, Los Angeles, $30,000. 


EL... 


SPORTMART 


BULGARI 


dE V Б. 


Designed by Olympic gold medal- 
ist Ragnar Skanaker, the Crosman 
Skanaker Model 88 match pistol 
is the first American-made CO; 
air pistol to win major internation- 
al shooting competitions. Nifty 
innovations include an adjustable 
grip and trigger, from Sport- 
mart, West Los Angeles, $600. 


This handsome battery-operated 
sterling-silver Colonna dock may 
measure only 34"x1/2, but 
its presence on a desk or a ta- 
ble makes a commanding state- 
ment. The clock has a Swiss 
quartz mechanism and, yes, 
colonna is Malian for column, 
from Bulgari, New York, $3400. 


This single-seat Land Cruiser de- 
signed by Amick Enterprises can 
hit speeds upwards of 45 mph. 
Measuring almost 12 feet long, 
it is set in motion by twin elec- 
tric motors; the body and the 
airfoil ore fiberglass epoxy res- 
in. Price: $30,000, from Ham- 
macher Schlemmer, Chicago. 


Clarkpoint Croquel's Signature 
Set consists of four brass-bound 
lignum vitae mallets, Eclipse 
halls, marking clips, corner flags, 
winning post, smasher, rule hook 
and six six-pound steel wickets, 
all housed in a mahogany chest 
with brass hardware, from Aber- 
crombie & Fitch, Las Vegas, $1600. 


HAMMACHER SCHLEMMER 


ABERCROMBIE & FITCH 


1 


IJ H! 


These bright-red Justin python- 
skin cowboy boots with supple 
leather interior that breathes to 
resist the effects of perspira- 
fion ore about as snaky as you 
can get, $264. The boots ond 
the matching 1%" wide python 
belt, $20, are from Cavender’s 
Boot City, Hurst, Texas. Yahoo! 


Designed to fit snugly into the 
palm of your hand, the Yashica 
Samurai is a fully automatic 
35mm through-the-lens camera 
with 3X power zoom, auto flash 
and vertical film-transport sys- 
tem that doubles the number of 
pictures on each role of film, 
from Ritz Camera, Detrait, $299. 


I А 


Each hand-crafted and signed 
Stephon and Sharp monocoque 
bicycle is made of DuPont Kev- 
lar fiber that makes the frame 
light (about four pounds) and 
strong yel comfortable. HED 
wheels and SunTour M-speed 
gearing are standard, from R.R.B. 
Cydes, Kenilworth, Illinois, $3750. 


Designed by architec! Richard 
Meier and manufactured by Swid 
Powell, the silver-plated letter 
holder, $225, pencil cup, $150, 
and ten-inch letter opener with а 
gold tip, $75, make a terrific trio 
of desk accessories that reflect 
Meier's love of pure geometric 
forms, from Chiasso, Chicago. 


+ LAM E43 


R.R. B. CYCLES 


CHIASSO 


ROOM AT THE 


INN 


fiction By HERBERT GOLD 


WATKINS WANDERED with the other ghosts in North 
Beach on Christmas Eve—the divorced, the bereft, 
the deserted, the left out. It was more in accord with 
his nature to be a lonely ghost than a happy drunk, he 
decided. The important question remaining was to 
find how to end dic night decently with sleep. 

He tried the door of City Lights Bookstore, but it 
was locked for the holiday, the staff having a family 
glass of wine and waving him away through the glass. 
Watkins wasn't of this family. 

At the Trieste Caffe, also about to close, red-and- 
green wrappings lay 
strewn about, along with mn : 
speckles, the snow tha Tis is america, 
was a necessary part of s 
the Christmas decor here Where things can 
in San Francisco, where 
it never snowed. Every- happen abruptly. 


опе, like Watkins, was 


trying hard. He moved and things did. 


оп up Grant, heading 

against the chill currents i 

QE damp: imanes be ОП christmas eve 
gusting down the slant- 

ing street. The last Christmas sellers were giving up; 
iron grilles clanked; soon STORE FOR RENT signs would 
open the street for next year's hopeful merchants. 

“Yo! Watkins!” 

“Pardon?” 

“Turn right, man; how many time 1 have to tell 
you?” 

It was Rodney, the laughing black sociologist from 
the Hoover Institute. He liked to balance his ideolo- 
gy—formerly Ronald Reagan, now George Bush— 
with some of the street style of his brothers. As 
far as he was concerned, the estrangement came 
from the brothers’ side, and he personally was ready 
to make peace by telling the brothers how to do right, 
as he did. 

“You be alone like me, hey, man? Nothing 


ILLUSTRATION BY PAT ANOREA 


119 


PLAYBOY 


happening on this pre-holy day?" 

“Nothing much.” Watkins wanted to 
live up to his reputation for telling the 
truth. “So how I beat my Christmas de- 
pression is I give in. I like to have a good 
long, sweaty walk, a hot bath before mid- 
night, and so to bed, like Tiny Tim.” 

“I bet you do,” Rodney said. “I bet 
what you really do prefer is along walk, a 
hot soak, and then down to your pallet on 
the floor, alone by your majestic solitude, 
where nobody can bother you to rub her 
back or things. I bet.” 

Watkins shrugged. 

“Listen, I got a party for both of us. 
You're invited, plenty for everybody. This 
rich lady live up on Stockton. She just love 
horny intellectuals.” 

“Do I qualify?” 

“She know a superfluity of lawyers, 
man. One in seventy-two adults in the 
Bay Area passes the state bar—that's 
the statistic. Merry Christmas, brother." 
The sociologist went close and peered 
earnestly into Watkins’ face, a street- 
lamp gleam coming off the steel rims of 
his glasses. Rodney, a compassionate, 
neoconservative soul, took Watkins’ arm, 
took no noes for an answer (Watkins 
hadn't bothered) and steered tightly. 
“There'll be cold turkey and hot possibil- 
ity, brother, plusall the nice people just as 
wrecked as you are this holiday season. 
Being an honest man, I include mp- 
self... Hey, remind me again about 
Tiny Tim, would you?” 


E 

"The door was unlocked. It had a little 
card Scotch-taped above the knob: ur- 
STAIRS, COATS, CARES & WEAPONS IN BEDROOM. 
MERRIE XMAS ALL. 

Watkins and Rodney strolled into a 
room lined with three long couches and 
knees bumping off them. A turkey was 
being escorted toward a low driftwood 
coffee table already equipped with plat- 
ters of cole slaw, cranberry sauce, Italian 
bread sticks and sliced canned beets. The 
hostess and cook remarked by way of 
greeting, “Hi, I'm Sheila. Move the ash- 
trays.” 

“I'm Watkins. Thanks for having me." 

“I said, move the ashtrays.” 

The other guests, who seemed para- 
lyzed on the couches, didn't jump to help. 
Watkins, blinking at the sudden appear- 
ance of a crowd, didn't understand this 
direct command. But sharp, high-1.Q. 
Rodney moved the ashtrays, beamed and 
said, “Voila!” He also helped lower the 
platter. “Um, good-oh, were just in 
time.” 

"You're welcome,” Sheila said. "You 
Watkins, the public-interest attorney?” 
She wiped her fingers on her apron and 
then extended them. "I'm happy and 
proud to meet you at last. Called your 
office to offer a class-action suit against 
the purveyors of sugared coffee—I sus- 
pect it's more sugar than gourmet Vi- 


ennese roast—and all I got was the 
brush-off.” 

“Must have been one of the associates,” 
Watkins said. “Га remember if I talked 
with you. They pass the bar, that's how 
they are” 

“If its more sugar than coffee,” she 
asked, “shouldn't it be sold as a sugar 
product rather than a coffee product?” 

This kind, generous, intelligent, good- 
looking in the slightly over-the-hill way 
that Watkins, at his stage in life, pre- 
ferred .. . this good-natured, perceptive 
lady was one of those legal nags. The 
medical пар corner the doctors: “Hey, I 
got this persistent ache in my left ear 
when I drink herbal tea”; “What do you 
do for a scaly ankle, doc?"; “АП my fami- 
ly dies of the sugar diabetes. Think I 
should give up Mars Bars?” 

“But we never did the lab tests,” Sheila 
was saying, “because your office wouldn't 
give us the time of day. If it's forty-nine 
percent coffee, do we still have a case?” 

"I'd love to hear from you during office 
hours,” Watkins said. “Really. Trouble is, 
on Christmas Eve, I can't think of litiga- 
tion, not even General Foods.” 

“Good will toward mankind, huh, 
counselor? And a multinational corpora- 
tion is legally an entity, a human being? 
You're a kick, Watkins.” 

"Thank you. And it's good of you to 
sort of invite me.” 

She waved to the platter. “Have some 
turkey white or dark. I give you these op- 
tions so you can come to your own rul- 
ing: 

“Those sunk into the couches began to 
stir, vibrating a little as their motors 
idled, and then, as they realized they 
didn't run the danger of being first in 
line, to push and jostle at the platters of 
food. Soon other platters arrived. A slow 
sighing filled the room. On this Christ- 
mas Eve far from childhood, there might 
not be love, family, trust, connection, 
there might be an absence of solid holi- 
day cheer, but there would be enough 
food. Two jugs of wine, one white, one 
red, stood flanked by little bottles of 
high-fashion water. The gas of the 
fireplace hissed. Some of the men were 
wearing sweaters with that woolly 
bulge over the gut. Some of the women 
were wearing sensible pants suits. It was 
cold outside; steam on the windows. The 
rumor that San Francisco took part in 
sunny California was not confirmed by 
the evidence. 

One woman caught Watkins’ interest. 
Her name was Beatrice. She was long and 
bony, with interesting sharp planes in her 
face and a shiny gambler's vest over a 
white blouse. Lean and rangy he 
thought, and wondered why someone 
wasn't crowding those skinny knees, that 
coltish body. Her hair was carelessly ma- 
jor-hand-tousled. He could imagine her 
taking off her glasses and a man in the 


movie saying, “Why, youre beautiful!” But 
she wasn’t wearing glasses, only the 
slightly gleamy look of contact lenses. 
She didn't invite him to her with a glance. 
He went anyway and she smiled when he 
said, “Merry pre-Christmas. Why aren't 
you eating?” 

“I was waiting for somconc to ask.” 

So he took her elbow and steered him- 
self and her to the table. She picked a 
very small amount of everything in a way 
that suggested she didn't want to waste 
and wouldnt necessarily be finishing 
even these small mounds of white meat, 
mushroom-and-walnut dressing, cran- 
berry sauce. With her fingers, she added 
a sprig of parsley from a water-filled 
bowl 


"Hey" Ferd was saying—he was 
a North Beach coffee merchant with 
both retail and wholesale outlets, but 
the wholesale outlet had been closed as 
a by-product of his divorce—“Hey, we 
could all be buddies in times of adversi- 
ty, like Frank Sinatra, Dino Martin 
and”—raising his voice as he glanced at 
Rodney—"Sammy Junior Davis, like 
a modern-day version of the Mouse 
Paki” 

“Davis Junior” Watkins murmurcd, 
unable to avoid correcting the errant lib- 
eral. 

“Only the first of several problems 
with what he stated,” Beatrice said. 
“Rats. Rat Pack. He's been studying an- 
cient history." Her smile was wide and 
ungoverned, the look of the sort of wom- 
an who selected the party-pack of win- 
some smiles in a mirror. It was an 
old-fashioned grin. It blew away the 
whiff of schoolmarm and made her seem 
younger than her actual, oh, maybe 38 


years. 

“Hey, that’s nice,” he said. “You're a 
corrector, too.” 

“Only the first of my problems,” she 
said. “I like you, also.” He hadn't said he 
liked her—but if he had, would that be a 
problem? But she was reading him cor- 
rectly. 

“Are you always a little ahead of peo- 

» 


“Tm always a little out of sync. For ex- 
ample, back when——” A rosiness ap- 
peared in her cheeks. She was blushing! 
And she plowed right ahead with what 
was making her blush. "Back when no- 
body was wearing a, wearing a bra... I 


"] noticed." 

“How could you? Didn't know me then. 
But now I don't—do things in my own 
time.” 

“That's what I meant I noticed.” 

“Oh.” She laughed. She said nothing. 
She let the blush fade and then appear 
again. And then she buttoned up one of 

(continued on page 217) 


“Yeah. But somehow it’s not the same as it is in Milwaukee.” 


Jorn 
pympsiu 


121 


THI BOD 


(i ) N 


кт. BE in good shape 

in the Nineties, but it 

won't be the shape we're 

in now. Fashions inbod- 

ies change, like car 
chassis. We take our cues from movies, 
ads, album covers and rock videos, 
choosing our clothes, workouts and diets 
accordingly. In the Baroque period of 
the early 1600s, as all students of Art Ap- 
preciation 101 know, the right look was 
Rubenesque: ladies voluptuously plump, gentlemen blatantly 
of substance. In fact, current research shows that fatness en- 
hances fertility. Ancient Hawaiians wanted to be blala (gar- 
gantuan), because taking up a lot of space was a sign of 
importance. Late—19th Century gentlemen saw a big belly as 
signifying power and cut their coats to emphasize their rotun- 
dity Then came the 20th Century and a new ethos: You 
couldrit be too rich or too thin. The portly tycoon evolved in- 
to the Fifties greaser. Skinny Sergeant Pepper quick-dissolved 
into the Yuppie Nautilus jock. 

The look attenuated to its ultimate in the Sixties, when 
‘Twiggy, a tall stick figure, was the model. But thinness can be 
hazardous to your sex life. Not only are thin women less fertile 
but University of Minnesota studies have found that men who 
drop below their normal weight lose their sexual urge and 
produce less sperm. 

By the Seventies, we had a new look. Shapelessness was in, 
bras and girdles were out. It was the ferninist era, and the slo- 
gan in body styles was “Up with dumpy.” Hairiness was 
groovy—the unisex English-sheep-dog look. If you were a 
radical feminist, that included furry legs and armpits. We let it 
all hang out. We wore peace symbols and Cheyenne war paint. 
Annie Halls proliferated, swathed in layers, like textile 
dumplings, Were there bodies under all those natural fibers? 
Did it matter? 

In the Eighties, propelled by the workout craze, body im- 
ages changed. People muscled up. While men were evolving 
into Superman, women were becoming Wonder Woman. Nev- 


sexy curves are back, 
and exercise that's 

fun is walking all over 
no-pain, no-gain 


er before had so many women pumped. 
iron. With the new emphasis on nutrition 
and muscle toning, we were on the way to 
becoming a nation of Conan the Barbar- 
ians. Now, here come the Nineties. Ac- 
cording to Joey Hunter, executive 
vice-president and director of the meris 
division of the Eileen Ford Modeling 
Agency, the new ideal is compact. “The 
kind of models we're using now are not 
as big as they were,” he says. “People real- 
ize the need for a more flexible type of body, one that's better 
suited for different kinds of sports.” We're still conscious of 
weight and health. Nobody's going soft. But men are lifting 
lighter weights now. “We were overdoing it before,” says 
Hunter. Trainers are working with their clients on definition 
and slimness, not bulk. “Men are sacrificing a little power for 
more maneuverability. As more sports catch on and more 
guys play them, they want to be looser.” 

The underlying message could be economic: The go-go 
years are over. In the new, tricky economy, the limber man 
who is flexible in the market place—and light on his feet—is 
the winner. 

“Traditional clothes are where it’s at for the Nineties,” says 
Hunter. “A more normal-size body, with less bulk, is going to 
look better in these traditional clothes.” ‘Too bad, Arnold 
Schwarzenegger. Here's another straw in the wind: Reviewing 
Switching Channels, film maven Pauline Kael recently noted 
that, compared with Christopher Reeve, co-star Burt 
Reynolds looked “rather small.” And then she added, "Its be- 
coming.” Are you listening, Danny DeVito? This era could be 
for you. 


FITNESS IN THE NINETIES—THE TYPE B APPROACH 


“No pain, no gain” was the motto of the Eighties fitness fa- 
natic, sweating for a washboard stomach and the pulse rate of 
asloth. The Nineties will have a new credo: “Take it easy!” Ex- 
ercise in the Eighties was Type A. The idea was to run as far 
and as fast as you could, and then up the ante. Like the Type A 


ARTICLE BY RICHARD AND JOYCE WOLKOMIR 


ILLUSTRATION BY DUARDD / EVANS 


124 


Sixties: The Twig os o 
temptress. String-bean sex. 


Seventies: Mammary lane. The 
hippy-dippy broless look. 


personality, which researchers say can predispose you to heart 
disease, Eighties exercise was hard-driving, competitive, 
aggressive and tough on the body. Everyone seemed to be 
training for the Washington Redskins. The result: ripped 
ligaments, shin splints, tendinitis, stinging knees and ramp- 
ant burnout. 

Between 1983 and 1987, the number of marathoners 
dropped by nearly nine percent. Participation in aerobics pro- 
grams dropped by 4,000,000 between 1985 (the peak year) 
and 1987. Perhaps part of the reason for the drop-off is re- 
search showing that we don't need all that body thumping. 
The Harvard Cardiovascular Health Center recommends on- 
ly 20-30 minutes of aerobic exercise three times a week, at 75 
percent of the maximum pulse rate for your age. That means 
you're pumping, but you still can maintain a conversation. “If 
you're running, anything more than ten to 15 miles a week is 
unnecessary, unless you're training for a specific competitive 
event,” says orthopedic surgeon Robert Porter, head of sports 
medicine at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center. Heavy ex- 
ercise increases your risk of musculoskeletal problems, he 
says. Excess exercise also can lead to sports anemia, which 
leaves you weak, tired and cranky. Couch potato-hood, how- 
ever, is no answer, With studies verifying that exercise helps 
ward off heart disease, diabetes and possibly cancer, the 
fitness boom is here to stay. But exercise mavens say that the 
Nineties approach to shaping up will be Type B. Like the Type 
B personality, which is easygoing, fun-loving and noncompeti- 
tive, exercise in the Nineties will be easier to live with. 

You know you've got 2 problem when 90 percent of Ameri- 
cans recognize exercises importance, but fewer than 20 per- 
cent actually do enough. One big reason is our obsession with 
peak performance. Few of us can throttle up that high, and so 
we call it quits. But that is changing. 

“The old strategy was to glorify high scores—the new strat- 
egy is to find an exercise you enjoy,” says Arizona State Uni- 
versity fitness expert Charles B. Corbin. Few will go at it as if 
training for the 1992 Olympics, either. New studies show aero- 
bic benefits at exercise levels as low as 40—50 percent of maxi- 
mum heart rate. One reason exercise will be more user 
friendly is that it will be integrated into our daily lives. Fitness 
equipment is popping up in hotel chains, resorts, cruise ships, 
apartment and condo complexes and individual households. 
Corporations increasingly provide on-site health clubs. Get 
ready for fitness night clubs, a Nautilus in the executive wash- 
room and a rowing machine beside the video games at your 
favorite saloon. 

Meanwhile, walking—which is kinder to the skeleton and 


Nineties: The welcome return 
of the well-rounded woman, 


Eighties: Reign of the iron 
maidens. Flex it, wimp! 


casier to slip into your day—is eclipsing running as the num- 
ber-one aerobic exercise: Two thirds of all adults who exercise 
regularly now do fitness walking. Race walking (hips swivel- 
ing, arms swinging) will look decreasingly weird as it becomes 
increasingly popular. A ten-minute-per-mile race walk burns 
as much energy as an equally fast jog. Add hand weights and 
you outwork even faster runners. 

Boredom is exercise's big bugaboo. That is why a program 
of multiple sports is another new trend. Instead of devoutly 
running your 24 laps a day, you'll mix it up: running when 
you feel like it, lap swimming, squash, cross-country skiing, 
whatever gives you a rush. Workouts will combine muscle ton- 
ing and aerobics. The muscleman who puffs after climbing a 
flight of steps is out. So is the high-speed marathoner with a 
toothpick physique. The new aim is overall fitness. Dieting 
will be out. “You self-digest muscles,” says cardiovascular 
nurse Peg Jordan, editor in chief of American Fitness mag- 
azine. And studies have shown that exercise and dieting can 
shrink heart muscles. 

One Type B-exercise trend: “exotic” aerobics, done to 
African or Caribbean rhythms. “The earthy beat makes you 
feel vital and sexy,” says Jordan. Some avant-garde exercis- 
ers now work out to the soothing intonations of Gregorian 
chants. 

Also new: couples exercise, a kind of muscle-toning tango. 
“Couples who sweat together stay together,” says Chris Silk- 
wood, an exercise-video producer. 

The Nineties body will be limber as well as strong: “I can't 
emphasize stretching enough,” says Susan Brewer, director of 
Destin, Florida’s Blue Heron Spa. Look for a yoga comeback. 

Not all Eightiesstyle exercise appurtenances will disap- 
pear: High-tech workout gear seems here to stay. However, in 
line with today’s cocooning impulse, the equipment is moving 
into at-home fitness spas, where you can treat the downstairs 
neighbors to the thump of happy feet. 

Meanwhile, aprés-workout, the Nineties should see new zeal 
for sports massage. A recent Swedish study demonstrated that 
leg massages boosted cyclists’ performance 11 percent. At the 
Calgary winter Olympics, 150 massage therapists were on 
hand (so to speak); a massage SWAT team is set for the Seoul 
summer Olympics, as well. Pro teams, such as hockey's 
Philadelphia Flyers, are now hiring massage therapists. Ulti- 
mately, every neighborhood health spa will offer massages. As 
Shakespeare might have said, “Aah, there's the rub!” 


125 


7, dear, innocent 
get like this!” 


boo: 


bray to God that тоте of those 
children ever see you when you 


just 


SE 


126 


PHOTO 
FINNISH 


playboy proudly slips you a finn, kata kürkküinen, for december 


YER SHE’ really Finnish—a model of 
Scandinavian design who comes to 
you by way of Helsinki, Rome and 
Rapid City, South Dakota. Confus- 
ing? Her hair color changes as often 
as the weather in her homeland, her 
address changes almost as often and 
her accent is a concatenation of Finn 
lilt and South Dakota drawl. “Yep,” 
says Kata Kärkkäinen (say cotta car- 
kynen; that’s as close as you'll get 
without yodeling), “it is a little con- 
fusing. 1 guess Pm a combination of 
things, Finnish and American. Is 
that good or bad?” In this case, all to the good—the collision of hemispheres has 
brought forth a confusing, intriguing combination of the best of East and West. Kata, 
the lissome emerald-eyed only child of two attorneys, grew up “spoiled and happy” in 
Helsinki, where she became, at the age of 15, the finest-looking bowling champion in 
history. “My dad loved to bowl, and he used to take me along when I was little,” she 
explains. “I got pretty good and even won the national championship for girls under 
18. Daddy was very proud of that.” Shortly thereafter, a bit weary of snow and soli- 
tude—"Finland was too quiet for me"— Kata joined an exchange program, jetted to 
remotest Rapid City and gave her high school dassmates a crash course in 


In any language, Kata HarkkGinen—the most intoxicating product 
of her homeland since Finlandia—means beauty and excitement. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA AND BYRON NEWMAN 


"Scandinavians ore supposed to be so free about sex—but we dont have anything like Dr. Auth 
on television. Maybe one of these days, when [m older, ЇЇ go on TV and be finlands Dr Ruth." 


Eurostyle. Stevens High School is still reeling. “They found me pretty wild," Kata says of the teachers and schoolmates she bowled 
over at Stevens High. “I dressed punk. I dyed my hair blonde—or red and black—or wore it in a Mohawk. I wore wigs, and some- 
times a tuxedo, to school.” To top it off, this Finnish ambassador of punk went out for the bowling team and trounced all the guys. 
She was promptly bounced from the squad. “They said it was a boys’ team.” Kata has warm memories of her Dakota days. She 


treasures her Stevens diploma and now confuses Finn friends with her favorite American expression: “Yep!” “People in the U.S. 


are extroverts. I like that. 
Finnish people are shy, 
not as wild. That is nor 
always bad—American 
men, I think, can be a lit 
tle too aggressive. All 
they want is to get into 
your pants! Finnish men 
have better manners. 
They can wait, you know, 
a couple of weeks,” Kata 
says, laughing. Not that 
she minds a little Ameri- 
can lust directed her 
way—its just that Eu- 
rostyle is different. "I 
don't go crazy over how 
many muscles a guy has 
or how hairy his chest is. 
I kind of like skinny 
feminine guys. One of 
my boyfriends in Finland 
used to wear make-up. 
Wed go out and some 
people thought we were 
sisters. It was kind of em- 
barrassing, but kind of 
interesting, too.” Dont 
abandon hope, Ameri- 
can guys: The more she 
sees of American chests, 
Kata says, the better she 
likes them. Vacationing 
in Italy last year, Kata 
caught the eye of a fash- 
ion photographer. Next 


"| hate champagne 
and caviar. Soft mu- 
sic doesnt get me 
sexy. | like wild 
dates. My cream 
date would be go- 
ing out on a 
Harley-Davidson. 


thing she knew. she was 
in the Italian edition of 
Playboy. Now she’s back in 
the States as Miss Decem- 
ber. Next up: a fashion 
shoot in Paris. Will she 
sit still long enough for 
American males to prove 
that they want more 
from her—or at least 
other things as well— 
than entree into her 


pants? The answer, Kata 


says with a smile, is yep. 


"| miss Helsinki— 
its very pretty 
there—but I'll prob- 
ably end up living 
in America. Finland 
is beautiful, but 
the action is here 
in the States.” 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


мв. LEM LB bh ace. 
BUST: 45 WAIST: LY ums: d$ | 
HEIGHT: 5 6 ” wern: urs 


P» 
TURN-I ROPES: X БЕ УЕ 
= 


MUSICAL i 


FAVORITE w STARS: mas — Let L Stele 


THE THING I LIKE MOST ABOUT AMERICAN MEN: Z > Z Wee, 
c and Ye) ade Yin oat 7o ganag 
> 
FAVORITE WAY TO RELAX: Ge % ENTE / Summ Ce 
лу; 3 


Aha Zaza = En Finnish Summen goo premi 
ра City South Dakar, at Hea ер /5 American high shock 


1 
^M 
\ 
i 
H 
y 
= — = 
= ` 
+ 
ж ` — 
> —— š ` 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Ted and Mike were set to tec off when a beauti- 
ful naked blonde ran across the fairway. In pu 
suit were two men in white coats, one carrying a 
bucket of sand. 
Whats going on?” Mike asked Ted. 
Oh, every day about this time, she escape 
m the mental hospital and runs across he 
fed explained 

“Why is one guy carrying a bucket of sand? 
That’shis handicap— he caught her yesterday 


k 


ained his investment indecision to 


One longtime. client, burned badly on Bl. 
Monday, exp 
his broker. "Its a Jimmy Swaggart market. Û like 
what I see, but Im afraid 10 take a position. 


A widow went to a pet store to buy an animal to 
keep her company. The store owner suggested а 
parrot, which she bought and took home 
She asked the parrot, “Does Polly like his new 
me? 
To which the parrot replied, 
bitch.” 
The widow was appalled by his language but 
tried again with, “Would Polly like a cracker? 
“Eat shit, slut,” the parrot answered. 
The widow decided to punish the parrot and 
explained to him, “Pm patting you in the [re 
1 for 15 minutes and vou can decide whether 
м to continue to use foul language.” Aft- 
nutes, she took the parrot out, dusted 
the frost off his beak and asked, "Now does Polly 
want to swear any more?” 
The parrot replied, "Listen, before I say any- 
thing, I want to know what the turkey in there 
did to piss you olf.” 


he 


“Fuck off, y 


"ve heard that Smith & Wesson is introducit 
anew handgun. The Billy Martin model works 
only in New York and can be fired five times. 


Two Russians had been standing in line for 
hours to buy vodka. Finally, in exasperation, one 
threw up his hands and exclaimed, “I've had it! 
Tm going to kill the minister of commerce.” 
But the next day he was back, and he found 
d still waiting in line, “What hap- 
his friend asked expectamly "Did sou 


the 


Afier witnessing a hit-and-run accident, a by- 
stander ran into the street to comfort the elderly 
victim. He took off his coat, folded it and gently 
placed it under the prostrate man's head. “What's 
your name?” he asked 
“Murray Lefkowitz.” c 
“Are you comlortabl 
ап asked. 
“Ob,” Murray sighed. “I n 


me the reply 
, Murray?” the good Sa 


ake a living.” 


Was the high point of a bulimic’s party? ИУ 
when the cake jumps out of the girl 


Апет hearing that one patient in a mental hospi- 

tal had saved another ftom a suicide attempt by 
pulling him out of a bathtub, the director re- 
viewed the rescuers file and called him into his 
office. 

“Mr. Douglas, both your records and your 
heroic behavior indicate that you are ready to go 
home,” he said. “Em only sorry that the man уоп 
saved later killed himself with a rope around the 
neck.” 

“Oh, he didn't kill himself 
hung him up to dry” 


Douglas replied. “1 


Farmer Jones bought 20 pigs at auction, only to 
discover that they were all female. He asked his 
neighbor, farmer Brown, if he could take them to 
Browns farm so that they could mate with his 
male pigs. Brown was happy to oblige. 

Jones loaded his female pigs in his truck. 
drove to Browns farm and let them frolic with 
the male pigs for the rest of the day That 
evening, he picked them up and asked Brown, 
“How will I know if they're pregnant? 

Farmer Brown replied, “Tomorrow morning, 
if they're з omething pigs never de 
they're pi 

"The next morning, farmer Jones looked out 
his window. The pigs were not grazing, so he 
loaded them in the truck and took them to 
farmer Browns for a second day 

The following morning. the pigs still weren 
grazing, so he repealed the procedure a third 
time. 

The morning after, fecling very discouraged, 
he asked his wife, “Honey, 1 dont have the he 
to look. Please tell me what the pigs аге doing. 

“Well, they're not grazing, but most of them 
are in the truck and one of them is honking the 
horn.” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post 
card, phase to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
Playboy Bldg, 919 N. Michigan Ave, Chicago, 
TIL 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Theres a lot of loose talk, Comrade, about the blow 
jobs being capitalistic decadence. . 


199 


140 


JANUARY 4. I988—HASSI-MESSAOUD, ALGERIA 


от For нотничс has this Paris- 
to-Dakar rally acquired an un- 
rivaled reputation as the most 


miserable piece of work an off- 
road racer will ever scc. People dic in this 
thing. And dont let anyone tell you the 
course is 8000 miles. It may be 8000 
miles on the rally map or in the official 
route book, but when you're out here for 
real on this endless expanse of boulders 
and sand dunes and dry lakes, zigzag- 
ging through Algeria and Niger and 
Mali and Mauritania and Senegal, 
screaming helter-skelter through the Sa- 
hara Desert at 120 miles an hour, the 
mileage mounts with every wrong turn 
and miscalculation. And God knows, 
there are plenty of those. This is only day 
four of 22, but already I feel as though 
Ive seen more of Africa's sand than 
Rommel did. 

The media in Europe, and especially 
in France, where the Paris—Dakar rally is 
regarded with no less reverence and awe 
than the Super Bowl ıs in the U.S., think 
Americans are too soft for this sort of en- 
deavor. Fortunately, Camel Racing Serv- 
ice and Range Rovers people don't feel 
that way, so they hired me to drive one of 
the four cars that make up the Camel 
Range Rover team. Still, the European 
pundits dont expect me to do well, even 
though I've had the good fortune to win 
more than my share of grueling desert 
races, including the Baja 1000, off-road 
racing's version of the Indy 500. In fact, 
Ive managed to win the Baja 1000 six 
times—three times on a motorcycle, 
three in a car. I've won the Baja 500 four 
times, the Mint 400 twice, the Roof of 
Africa Rally twice, and just nine months 
ago, I captured the Rallye 12 Atlas in Moroc- 
co. But as the lone American in the 1988 


fasten your seat belts for 
three brutal weeks of 
sandstorms, smashups 

and sabotage—the ulti- 
mate race through hell 


article 


By MALCOLM SMITH 
with LEE GREEN 


PLAYBOY 


142 


Paris—Dakar, Pm regarded as nothing 
more than 2 rookie with fancy creden- 
tials. I don't mind. I'd rather be underes- 
timated than overrated. I just want to do 
well. A top-five finish would be nice. 

Along with my navigator, Alain Fieuw 
of Belgium, I was sitting ninth among 
the гасе 420 cars and trucks at this 
morning's start. As usual, the rally's mo- 
torcycle division, 183 strong this year, 
started ahead of us. The 155-mile racing 
section of today's stage traversed intri- 
cate sand-dune valleys and canyons. Lots 
of tight twists and turns, very technical 
stuff. Creep along in low gear at ten miles 
per hour, hard turn, then 30 miles per 
hour, another hard turn—that sort of 
thing. Without having to work too hard, I 
managed to work my way past five cars 
and was running third when two motor- 
cycles in front of me, vying for the same 
narrow passage between two dunes, 
bumped each other and went down in a 
heap. I swerved to avoid them and, for 
my trouble, ended up planted atop a 
dune, my rear wheels spinning in place 
and spewing geysers of sand, my front 
wheels cantilevered over the edge of the 
dunes sharp drop-off. Welcome to 
Paris-Dakar. 

The motorcyclists got up right away. 
Since I'd spared them the indignity of 
riding out the race enmeshed in my front 
grille, I thought they might come over 
and give me a little shove to get me going 
again. No chance. 1 hey hopped onto 
their bikes and took off. Can't say I blame 
them. After all, they're in a race, too. 

Alain and I werent exactly happy 
about being stuck, but we were prepared 
for the eventuality, thanks to the me- 
chanics at Hal'Up!, the French company 
that assembled and prepped Camel 
Range Rover's cars. A conventional jack is 
useless in much of the soft African sand, 
so Hal'Up! had given us a device I had 
never seen before, a large canvas air 
bladder that lifts the car as it inflates 
when you attach it to the exhaust pipe 
and rev the cars engine. Inasmuch as I 
have managed to race in the desert for 
more than 20 years without benefit of 
one of these heavy, cumbersome things, I 
was tempted to pitch Paris when I 
was packing our already-overloaded car. 
I'm glad I didn't. 

Sprawled on either side of the Range 
Rover, Alain and I dug with treasure- 
secking ferocity, while below us, competi- 
tors zoomed past, wondering, perhaps, 
why some idiot would attempt to drive 
over this dune when there was a perfectly 
good route around it While the rear 
wheels were held aloft by the jack, we 
jammed six-foot-long fiberglass boards— 
common accessories in this race—under 
them for traction. My job was to rev the 
motor, pop the clutch and hope six feet 
was enough for take-off. As usual, Alain’s 
responsibilities were more demanding 


and less glamorous. He was to gather ev- 
erything up and chase the car until I 
found a hard spot in the sand or a down- 
hill where Í could stop without getting 
stuck, 

Within 30 minutes, we were on our 
way. Within 20 miles, we were lost. 

The route book indicated a right turn 
at a specified kilometer. What we had 
failed to consider, distracted as we were 
by our earlier misfortune and all the 
ground we had lost, was that while stuck 
on the dune, we had spun our wheels 
enough to throw off our odometer read- 
ing. No longer in sync with the route 
book, we took a right turn at the wrong 
place and drove 16 miles out of our way, 
squandering 20 minutes. 

Our mishaps notwithstanding, by day’s 
end, we dropped only five places. Four- 
teenth overall, 42 minutes off the pace. It 
could have been worse: One hundred 
and thirty-nine drivers, more than a fifth 
of the field, had their rally hopes prema- 
turely dashed today. Some made it to the 
finish too late and were disqualified; oth- 
ers had mechanical problems or got 
stuck in the sand or had accidents and 
were injured. Among the scratches was 
one of my Camel Range Rover team- 
mates, Salvador Canellas of Spain, whose 
car had suddenly and inexplicably quit 
on him. 

So we are three now. My other team- 
mates, Frenchmen Patrick Zaniroli and 
Patrick Tambay, are running third and 
fourth, respectively. Tambay is a Formula 
I racing hero in France, so well known 
there that he can’t walk down a street or 
sit in a restaurant without being gawked 
atand pestered. I suppose his good looks 
don't hurt in that regard. He's quite 
friendly, willing to share whatever he 
knows about this race with me, though 
this is only his second go at it. 

Zaniroli, by contrast, is taciturn and 
unhelpful. Not unpleasant, just unhelp- 
ful. This is his ninth Paris-Dakar—he 
missed only the first one—so he knows 
more about this race than the rest of us 
put together, but what he knows, he 
keeps to himself. I thought perhaps he 
wasn't confiding in me because of the lan- 
guage barrier. 1 asked Tambay if Zaniroli 
shared his expertise with him. “No,” he 
said, “he doesnt tell me anything,” 

I get the feeling that Zaniroli is as in- 
tent on beating usas he is on beating any- 
‚one else. He won this race in 1985 and he 
has finished second three times. I sure 
would love to know what he knows. 


JANUARY FIFTH—BORD} OMAR DRISS, ALGERIA 


It strikes me as the height of irony that 
in a race that regrettably has earned a 
reputation for death and injury, a race 
stage would be canceled due to unsafe 
conditions. Unsafe conditions? This en- 
tire race is an unsafe condition. Never- 
theless, because of road-maintenance 


excavations on the dusty oil-pipeline 
route we were to have followed today to 
the village of Bordj Omar Driss, the stage 
was downgraded to what the French call 
a liaison, a nonracing transit to get the 
cars safely from one place to another, 
usually to avoid endangering bystanders 
in populated areas. The first three days 
of the rally were liaisons, taking us from 
Paris to the southern coast of France, 
across the Mediterranean to Africa by 
ferry and into the open desert. 

But even the liaisons can be danger- 
ous. Two nights ago, while sailing along 
at 90 miles per hour on an open highway 
on the approach to El Oued, I narrowly 
avoided plowing into a herd of camels 
crossing the road. The reporters would 
have had a ball with that one: “CAMEL car 
DEMOLISHED BY CAMELS.” On today's liaison, 
Jacky Ickx of Belgium and Formula I rac- 
ing fame took a sharp turn too fast and 
rolled his car. He complained tonight 
that the route book should have warned 
us about the turn, but I noticed nobody 
else had rolled there. 

If liaisons are meant to be easy, the 
race segments are meant to be tough. 
Especially yesterdays. The organizers 
figure they may as well weed out the 
weak cars and the weak drivers before 
they get too far into the heart of dark- 
ness. 


JANUARY SIXTH—TAMANRASSET, ALGERIA 


Another 114 drivers bowed out during 
today's cruel but incredibly beautiful 
496-mile race, the sixth and longest stage 
of the rally. Alain and I placed a re- 
spectable tenth for the day, and we've 
moved up to eighth in accumulated ime. 
But by the time we rolled into this desert 
oasis, I was ready to go home. And I 
probably would have if there had been a 
flight out of here. 

The problem came near the end, after 
wed spent nearly 14 hours winding 
through rocky passes in the Ahaggar 
Mountains and through spectacular 
sand dunes. Were talking 2000-foot- 
high dunes, maybe higher, with descents 
of about a 40 percent grade. You could 
never, ever think about going back up 
them. And if you were going fast and got 
cockeyed, you could easily roll over. 

This was my kind of terrain. I felt 
confident, drove well and managed to 
pass everyone except former World Rally 
champion Ari Vatanen of Finland, the 
race leader and last year’s winner. It 
probably didn’t hurt that I got lost once 
and undoubtedly cut off a little part of 
the course, which is legal as long as you 
don't miss a check point. The race is 
rerouted somewhat every year—this 
year, it's about 85 percent new—but 
Alain has ridden a motorcycle in six 
Paris—Dakars and he knows this section. 
His French accent rose above the whine 

(continued on page 161) 


PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE 


BASKETBALL PREVIEW 


sports By GARY COLE 
with research by NANCY MOUNT 


OVER THE NEXT five months, 293 Division 1 
college basketball teams will play more 
than 4500 games and score more than 
1000000 points on jump shots, dunk 
shots, three-pointers, free throws, lay- 
ups, hooks, double-pumps, tips, swats 
and half-court lobs. Much sweat will be 
sweat, more than a few punches thrown 
and countless rolls of paper, diverted 
from the purpose God intended, will un- 
furl onto basketball courts across the 
country, all part of the search for the 
Holy Grail of college basketball, the na- 
tional championship. 

Part of the beauty of the sport is that 
even the most insignificant of those 4500 
games has the potential to be a little 
jewel. No game is ever so one-sided that 
an upset isn't a possibility Remember 
Northwestern's 66-64 win last year over 
defending national champ Indiana. And 
no team is so obscure that it can't fight its 
way onto the national scene once tourney 
time rolls around. Most people probably 
thought Loyola-Marymount was an all- 
girls’ school until it battled all the way to 
last year's Final 16. 

The warning buzzer is sounding and 


Playboy All-America forward Sean Elliatt, the 
silky-smooth multidimensional player fram 
ihe University of Arizana, will lead the 
Wildcats’ bid for a national champianship. 


PLAYBOY'S TOP 25 


14. Tennessee 

15. Florida State 

16. St. John's 

17. Loyola- 
Marymount 

18. Florida 

19. Wichita State 

20. Stanford 

21. Clemson 

22. Texas 

23. North 
Carolina 
State 

24. Notre Dame 

25. DePaul 


LONG SHOTS 
Arkansas- Little Rock, Indiono, lowa, 
Kentucky, Murray State, New Mexi- 
co, Ohio State, Oregon St, Temple, 
Tennessee-Chottanoogo, UCLA, Utoh. 


6. Georgetown 

7. Illinois 

8. Nevada- 
Las Vegas 


9. Syracuse 

10. North 
Caralina 

11. Geargia Tech 

12. Missouri 

13. Villanova 


For a complete conference-by-conference 
listing of the final standings, see page 240. 


our 
pre-season 
picks 

for the 
nations top 
teams 

and 
players 


it’s time for our annual survey of the col- 
lege basketball season. 


AMERICAN SOUTH 


The competition promises to be as 
spicy as the cooking down Louisiana way. 
Louisiana Tech, coached by Tommy Joe 
Eagles, the best coaching name in basket- 
ball, rates as a slight favorite over Arkan- 
sas State because of one player, 6'9" 
Randy White. A worthy successor to Karl 
Malone, now with the Utah Jazz, White is 
a ferocious rebounder (11.6 rebounds 
per game) and a high scorer (18.6 points 
per game). Look for some heavy-duty 
board banging when White goes against 
Arkansas State's 6"7" John Tate. Arkan- 
sas State has all five starters back, plus 
7'5" Alan Bannister, a transfer from 
Oklahoma State who will be eligible the 
second semester. 


ATLANTIC COAST 


Two Final Four appearances and two 
A.C.C. championships in the past three 
seasons; Playboy All-America Danny Fer- 
ту, the conferences leading scorer and 
potential College Player of the Year, 
returning; Mike Krzyzewski, one 
of the best coaches in the nation. How 
can Duke go wrong? 


мз 


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= b forward = x fi Torwart Ñ 

Michigan < a 


DEREN WILSON 
Чомай 
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MARK MACON 
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Temple 


JOH CHANEY. X. MICHAEL SMITH SS 
(each ШАЛ . forward - 


Templi e 


ТЇЇ LICHTI 
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SPECIAL THANKS FO SHERATON WORLD HOTEL ANO BOAROWALK & BASEBALL, ORLANDO, FLORIDA 


146 


THE PLAYBOY ALL-AMERICAS 


MARK MACON—Guard, 6'5”, sophomore, Temple. Averaged 20.6 points, 5.7 
rebounds and 2.9 assists per game as freshman. Only the third freshman (the 
two others were Ralph Sampson and Patrick Ewing) to be nominated for the 
Wooden Award as the nation’s top college player. 

TODD LICHTI—Guard, 6'4”, senior, Stanford. Already Stanford's all-time scor- 
ing leader (1673 points) and needs 653 points to surpass Pac 10 record held by 
Lew Alcindor. Shot .547 from the floor, .879 from the free-throw line. 
SHERMAN DOUGLAS—Guard, 6', senior, Syracuse. Holds Syracuse single- 
season record for assists (289) and is sixth in steals (166). Averaged 161 points 
per game last season. 

CHARLES SMITH—Guard, 6'1", senior, Georgetown. Averaged 15.7 points, 3.3 
rebounds per game as Hoyas point guard. 

SEAN ELLIOTT—Forward, 6'8", senior, Arizona. Pac 10 Player of the Year last 
season. Averaged 196 points, 5.8 rebounds. Has 1820 career points. Third in 
Wooden voting last yeor after Danny Manning and Hersey Hawkins. 

GLEN RICE—Forward, 6'7”, senior, Michigan. Big Ten scoring leader last sea- 
son. Averaged 22.1 points, 7.2 rebounds per game. 

MICHAEL SMITH—Forward, 6'10", senior, Brigham Young. Western Athletic 
Conference Player of the Year. Averaged 21.2 points, 7.8 rebounds, 3.1 assists 
per game. Two-time СТ.Е. Academic All-America. 

ТОМ HAMMONDS—Forward, 6'9", senior, Georgia Tech. First team All—Atlan- 
tic Coast Conference. Averaged 18.9 points, 7.2 rebounds per game. 

STACEY KING—Center, 6'10", senior, Oklahoma. First player in Big Eight histo- 
ry to block more than 100 shots in one season. Averaged 22.3 points, 8.5 re- 
bounds per game. 

DANNY FERRY — Center, 6'10", senior, Duke. Atlantic Coast Conference scoring 
leader last year. Averaged 191 points, 7.6 rebounds per game. 

JOHN CHANEY—Ployboy's Couch of the Year, Temple. Coached Temple Owls 
fo Atlantic Ten regular-season and tournament championships, to a 32-2 rec- 
ord and to the Final Eight in last year’s N.C.A.A. tournament. Ranks second 
in winning percentage among active coaches (79.6). Has six-year record al 
Temple of 154—38. Chaney is a passionate and eloquent advocate for rights of 
minorities in college athletics. 


REST OF THE BEST 


GUARDS: B. J. Armstrong, 6'2" (омо); Kato Armstrong, 5'11” (Southern 
Methodist]; Dana Barros, 5711" (Boston College); Daron "I ie" Blaylock, 6' 
(Oklahoma); Jay Burson, ó' (Ohio State); Vemell "Bimbo" Coles, 61” (Virginia 
Tech); Sean Gay, 6'3" (Texas Tech}; George McCloud, 6'6” (Florida State); Ken 
“Mouse” McFadden, 671" (Cleveland State), Gary Payton, 6'3" (Oregon State); 
Jerome "Pooh" Richardson, 671" (UCLA); Rumeal Robinson, 6'2" (Michigan); 
LaBradford Smith, 6'3" (Louisville); Doug West, 6'6" (Villanova). 

FORWARDS: Kenny Battle, 6'6' (Illinois); Ricky Blanton, 6'7" (Louisiana State); 
Chucky Brown, 6'8" (North Carolina State); Derrick Coleman, 6'9" (Syracuse); An- 
thony Cook, 6'8' (Arizona); Hank Gathers, 6'7” (Loyola-Marymount); Gerald Hay- 
ward, 6'6" (Loyolo-Chicogo); Tom Lewis, 6'7" (Pepperdine); Jeff Martin, 6'6" 
{Murray State); Terry Mills, 6°10" (Michigan); Dyron Nix, 6'7” (Tennessee); J. R. Reid, 
6'9" (North Carolina), Kenny Sanders, 65° (Gs Mason); Dennis Scott, 6'8" 
{Georgio Tech); Lionel Simmons, 6*6" (LaSalle); Mitch Smith, 6’8” (Utah); John Tate, 
6'7" (Arkonsas State); Chorlie Thomas, 6'7” (New Mexico); Randy White, 6'9” (Lou- 
isiana Tech). 

CENTERS: Joe Colavita, 611” (Vermont); Elden Campbell, 6'10" (Clemson); Pervis 
Ellison, 6'9" (Louisville); Melvin McCants, 6'9” (Purdue); Alonzo Mourning, 6'10" 
(Georgetown); Sasha Radunovich, 6710" (Wichita State]; Dwayne Schintzius, 7'2" 
(Florida); Doug Smith, 6'10” (Missouri). 


Two-time Playboy All-Americo Donny Ferry 
missed this yeor’s team photo because his 
Duke team was ploying on tour in Europe. 


As coach K. found out when Duke 
went 3—7 against several national teams 
on a European tour last spring, games 
are won on the court, not in the press 
guide. Still, Duke is the class of the tough 
A.C.C. and one of the best in the nation. 

North Carolina is accustomed to num- 
ber-one pre-season basketball rankings. 
However, with all five starters back from 
last year, including J. R. Reid, it still cant 
do better than a number-two rating, and 
thats in its conference. But as coach 
Dean Smith knows, that's the stuff moti- 
vation is made of. Smith and the Tarheels 
need good outside shooting and a con- 
fidence win over Duke to set up a success- 
ful season. 

Georgia Tech has received four 
N.C.A.A. tournament bids since coach 
Bobby Cremins took over the program 
seven years ago, an amazing statistic con- 
sidering that it has had only one previous 
bid in its entire history. Cremins turns 
out finished players: John Salley, Mark 
Price, Duane Ferrell. His current star, 
Playboy All-America Tom Hammonds, is 
one of his best. Dennis Scott, a 6'8" for- 
ward who averaged 15.5 p.pg. and led 
the conference in three-point percent- 
age, is only a sophomore. 

Last year's Clemson team, long on tal- 
ent and short on experience, didn't come 
together until a couple of late-season 
wins against Duke and Georgia Tech. 
With 6' 10" junior center Elden Campbell, 
the А.С.С.5 leading shot blocker, the 
Tigers have to be taken seriously from 
the season's start. 

Maryland and North Carolina State 
both suffer from the same disease: de- 
ficiency of a number-one player. At 
North Carolina State, center Charles 
Shackleford made the decision to go to 
the N.B.A. draft early, thus forfeiting his 
final year. Coach Jim Valvano still has 
two big-time players in 6'8" Chuck 
Brown and guard Chris Corchiani, but 
having no experienced big man in the 
middle spells problems for the Wolfpack. 

Coach Bob (continued on page 232) 


MARTY MURPHY 
“Once more, ladies, and this time I wanna really hear those bells jingle!” 


147 


148 


CO NNOISSEUR'"S 


ull 


To SINGLE- MALT 


|| 


raise your glasses, laddies; whisky weathers here again 


drink By MICHAEL JACKSON uz cover tHE winter, the greater the pleasure 
of kicking the weather off your boots, closing the door of your castle and treating yourself to a 
single-malt whisky, Let your hands cradle the glass to warm the amber liquid. Inhale the peaty 
aroma of the malt. Amid such a glow, ice hasn't a snowball's chance. Just a dash of water to release 
the whisky's vapors. Then take a sip of the smoky, smooth malt. Don't hurry. Make the pleasure last. 

Single malts are the purest of all Scotch whiskies. Each tells its own story. Where the hills of 
Scotland are gentle, so are the single malts. Where there are mountains, the water is given up by 
springs in the granite and flows over miles of peaty earth before reaching the distillery. The peat 
stays in the water. This is the taste of the Scottish Highlands and islands, and every distillerys wa- 
ter has its own character. In no other spirit is the character of the water so important. 

In Scotland, the water is first used to steep the grains of barley so that they begin to sprout. 
Then they are dried over a peat fire. This steeping and kilning is the procedure of malting. Once 
dry, the malt is fermented—again, in the local water—and distilled in copper pots. 

Scotland іѕ а rugged country A distillery that stands by the sea will be washed by the wind and 
the rain. As the single malt matures in the cask, the wood contracts and expands with the tempera- 
ture. The cask breathes in the salt air. The mists and sea breezes of Scotland are there in your glass. 

Some single malts mature faster than others. It is an impenetrable equation of the barley malt, 
the pot still, the weather and the wood. All single malts are matured (concluded on page 216) 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CLEARY 


The Polo Lounge 


THE POLO LOUNGE in The Beverly Hills Hotel— 
enduring, unchanged, a Hollywood land- 
mark. Refurbish it if you must, but please 
don't update it. Let it remain 


imeless 
and one of my very favorite places to visit. 

1 bring personal and sentimental baggage 
to this work. As a guest, 1 have felt at home 


LED 
)) 


DAN 


A) 


AVID 


- E 
2») 


Real deals, right: Comforts of the rich 
and famous. The hotel swimming pool 
is not the only place where the mega- 
Powers that be conduct their business. 


First impressions: The hotel entrance, 
below, a majestic curve off Sunset 
Boulevard, where, for a moment, as 
you arrive, you are what you drive. 


))- 


چ 


ve 


in the bungalows of The Beverly Hills Hotel for many — endary pink-and-green Mecca on Sunset Boulevard. Here, 
years. Аз а stargazer, 1 have always enjoyed the unique then, is my imaginary assemblage: Bogart and Bacall, 
showcase that is the Polo Lounge. Stars here have left a fresh, perhaps, from sharing the tropical breezes of Key 


very special imprint on my memory So there was some- Largo: a debonair Cary Grant and Errol Flynn, the swash- 


thing magical for me in creating this sampling of Holly- buckling ladies’ man; Marvin Davis, a former owner of 


1 20th Century Fox and of 
The Beverly Hills Hotel, 
with his charming wife, Bar- 


wood's elite. As a rule 


rarely work from ph 


graphs, but since movie 
bara; Garbo, alone, by 


choice; W C. Fields, 


topsy-turvy but always at 


greats are ageless only on 


iL 
film, and since I have nei- 


ther met nor sketched many 
home in a drinking estab- 
of my choices live, I felt chat 
i |. | lishment: Gable, always 
photos were the best medi- asa % 
Ё Rhett Butler; Elizabeth Tay- 
um to use for research. 
lor, the queen, soloing be- 
From those photos, 1 paint- 
Р pnr tween husbands and lovers; 


ed my Polo Lounge "wish Johnny Carson, Mr. Late 


list" Movie stars and film Night himself—these are a 


makers, Hollywood movers Royal treatment: The red carpet is rolled out few of my last 
and moguls, all with one under the canopy from the main portal to the 
driveway. Through these doors have passed 
couritless: Hollywood’ celebs honored Stars who shone, and shine 
have frequented this leg- guests and Tinseltown wheel 


g impres- 
sions. These are some of the 
thing in common—they 


«dealers. оп, at the Polo Lounge. 


Gable, abuve, studied in charcual. Below; The 
cinematic legends that dreams are made 
of: Dietrich, Harlow, Garbo, Taylor and Bardot. 


Clockwise; 


Hedda Hopper 


Lauren Bacall 


The Sultan of Brunei 


Gregory Peck 


Jean Harlow 


Marlene Dietrich 


Joan Collins 


Johnny Carson 


Dean Martin 


Sammy Davis Jr. 


Cesar Romero 


Maitre d’ Nino 


Frank and Barbara Sinatra 


Barbara and Marvin Davis 


Gary Cooper 


Bette Davis 


Errol Flynn 


Howard Hughes 


Bartender Gus Tassopulos 


Darryl F. Zanuck 


Cary Grant 


Greta Garbo 


Marilyn Monroe 


W. C. Fields 


Clark Gable 


Elizabeth Taylor 


John Huston 


Katharine Hepburn 


Humphrey Bogart 


The ultimate place to see and be seen. Gable 
and Lombard join the daytime throng for 
the fabled Sunday brunch, Polo Lounge style. 


ek 27 
Wo r7 


NS DOE 25 ورا‎ 


ROAD WARRIOR  continied from page H2) 


“What a sight! It was straddling boulders I had to 
dodge. It was mowing down bushes and small trees.” 


of the Range Rover's noisy transmission 

and reached me through my intercom 

headset. “I can't find the course right 

now,” he said without apology, “but if you 

just head along that mountain range over 

there, we'll run into it.” Bulls-eye. I wish 
- it were always that casy. 

Eventually, we found ourselves on a dry 
lake bed, flat as Formica and utterly fea- 
tureless. We cruised at 120 miles per 
hour on the compass reading specified in 
the route book, but it soon became ap- 
parent that we were off course. The 
finish-line check point wasn't where it 
was supposed to be. “I don't know where 
it is!” Alain shouted after double-check- 
ing the route book. He seemed certain 
that he wasn't in error, but I wasn't so 
sure. He was insistent: “They show it as 
being here and it should be here! The 
book is wrong!” 

By then it was dark and we were dart- 
ing around the dry lake like aimless id- 
iots, three kilometers this way, five that 
way. I was steamed. Here 1 had moved up 
to second place in the rough section, and 
we were blowing it on terrain that should 
have been a cakewalk. “This is a god- 
damn French Easter-egg hunt!” I wailed. 
“This is stupid! They call this a race, but 
all we do is wander around the desert 
looking for check points.” 

Out of desperation, we finally resumed 
the specified compass heading and hur- 
ued through the Algerian night like 
fugitives. Twenty kilometers down 
course, we saw the blinking blue light. 
The organizers had moved the check 
point without bothering to change the 
route book, an oversight that didn't seem 
to faze some drivers but cost us a half 
hour. I was inconsolable. 

“Well,” Alain reasoned, “this is 
Paris-Dakar. These things happen. Lat- 
er on, somebody else will have trouble, 
and you wont, and you'll make that 
back.” 

“To make matters worse, our team lost 
one of its three support trucks today be- 
cause it couldn't get through one of the 
narrow mountain passes, Support trucks 
hauling spare parts are utilized by all the 
big-money teams, but the rules require 
them to follow the race route. So it’s a 
race for them, too: If they don't arrive at 
each night's camp early enough to supply 
their team mechanics with parts, they're 
not doing anybody any good. 

Something like 30 percent of all the 
support trucks were knocked out today 
for the same reason ours was. We un- 
doubtedly would have lost all three of 


ours if Zaniroli, who remembered the 
Ahaggar passes from a previous year, 
hadn't warned Pascal Vigneron, Halt'Up! 
owner and team manager. Vigneron 
rerouted two of the trucks; they missed a 
check point and were assessed a three- 
hour penalty, which means that tomor- 
row they'll have to start farther back in 
the field, behind slower trucks. But at 
least they are still in the hunt. Lose those 
trucks and our entire team may as well 
fold up its tents and go home. 

To be sure, no one has it easy in this 
race, but the support-truck drivers prob- 
ably have the worst grind of all. The me- 
chanics are flown from camp to camp by 
the Halt'Up! team, but the support-truck 
drivers have to slog it out on the ground, 
well behind the race cars. 

Heres how our team works it: When 
Zaniroli, Tambay and I arrive at each 
nights destination, we wake up our me- 
chanics and they take the Range Rovers 
apart with tools we carry in our cars. 
Then we all have dinner and go to bed. 
Later in the night, the support trucks 
finally roll in and the team manager 
wakes up the mechanics again. They 
work on the cars through the night, while 
the truck drivers grab some sleep, and 
then we do it all again the next day. 
Since the truck drivers never stay any- 
where long enough to get decent sleep, 
three drivers are assigned to each truck. 
While they're on the move, which is most 
of the time, they take turns sleeping. The 
idea is to make sure no one takes his turn 
sleeping while he's driving. 


JANUARY SEVENTH—DJANET, ALGERIA 


I was doing 70 in a dry wash when sud- 
denly, 1 heard a blast from a horn right 
behind me. 1 couldn't see anything be- 
hind me, because the little aerodynamic 
side mirrors are worthless and the rear 
window is always covered with dust. The 
side windows are always covered with 
dust, too, so my field of vision is limited 
to the 90-degree view the front wind- 
shield affords. If I want to see behind 
me—to look for a navigational landmark 
we may have missed, for instance—I 
have to do 360s. 

I assumed the horn behind me be- 
longed to one of the Peugeots. Peugeot 
has reportedly invested $10,000,000 in 
this race, far more money than any other 
sponsor, and its cars are, without ques- 
tion, the best and fastest on the course. 
During the first racing stage, I passed ev- 
ery car ahead of me but one and thought 
I was going fairly fast. All of a sudden, 


Ari Vatanens Peugeot 405 whooshed 
past meso fast, I felt as if I were drivinga 
golf cart. Vatanen hit a dune and was air- 
borne for a moment; as soon as I saw his 
car land smoothly and easily, I knew our 
cars weren't competitive with his. 

Which is ironic, because these Range 
Rovers aren't exactly cardboard-and- 
glue jobs. The custom Kevlar/carbon- 
fiber bodies house a 300-horsepower, V8 
engine that can take the car from 0 to 60 
in less than five seconds or cruise her at 
130. The navigational instrumentation 
includes digita-readout compasses and 
odometers that we calibrate with on- 
board microcomputers. Range Rover 
and Camel spent $250,000 on each vehi- 
cle. 

I pulled over to let the Peugeot pass 
and was startled when I was passed in- 
stead by a huge DAF truck—a race entry, 
not a support truck—belching black 
smoke from its skyward exhaust pipes, all 
four tires spinning viciously and spitting 
gravel in every direction. This ten-ton 
monstrosity resembles a garbage truck; it 
must be ten feet high and twice as long. 
Absolutely shocked that this thing had 
overtaken me, I decided to just hang 
back and watch for a while. What a sight! 
It was straddling boulders I had to 
dodge. It was mowing down bushes and 
small trees. On straightaways, it pulled 
away from me, packing 1200 horsepower 
in twin engines. 

Ina sandy wash, after tailing the DAF 
truck for about 100 miles, I tried to pass 
it and hit a boulder obscured by the dust. 
Flat tire, broken shocks and springs. 
Alain and I hastily did some creative re- 
pairs and limped the rest of the way in. 
We were 28rd for the 328-mile stage but 
still managed to climb from eighth to 
seventh in the over-all standings. Thir- 
teen motorcycles, 19 cars and ten trucks 
gave up the chase today. 

То our team's profound disappoint- 
ment and dismay, Zaniroli, who was run- 
ning third overall, was among them. 1 
encountered him near the end of today's 
race stranded atop a dune. Blown en- 
gine. It was a bizarre scene up there. 
Zaniroli was very upset, of course, but his 
navigator, Igo Fenouil, had stripped to 
his black bikini underwear and was mer- 
rily doing cartwheels in the sand. I don't 
know how those two ever got teamed. 
Zaniroli is so serious, Fenouil so wacky. I 
don't think they were hitting it off all that 
well, and they still had two weeks to go. 
No wonder Fenouil was doing cartwheels. 


JANUARY EIGHTH—DJADO, NIGER 


For some reason, the medical cars 
weren't in position today, so the organiz- 
ers decided to change the 460-mile race 
to a liaison stage. 

That was only slightly more surprising 
than the shock that awaited Alain when 

(continued on page 204) 


161 


162 


IT AIN'T 


TOONTOWN 


DID YOUR MOTHER THROW YOURS OUT? TOO BAD, 
BECAUSE FUNNY BOOKS ARE NO LONGER KID STUFE 


JOE TOBULS MOTHER ruined my life. Under another 
name, Joe Tobul’s mother blighted your life as well. 
For the past 50 years, all the Joe Tobul’s mothers of 
America—kind and decent women who kept kitchens 
so clean you could eat off the floor, and who wouldn't 
harm a fly—blighted the lives of boys and girls with 
absolute innocence. They did it, as Joe Tobul’s mother 
did it to me, by tossing out all those kids’ funny books. 

Stand in one of the hundreds of direct-sales comic- 
book stores that have sprung up across the country in 
the past decade, challenging the hegemony of tradi- 
tional newsstand distribution, and listen to that 50- 
year-old man accompanying his 12-year-old grandson 
rummaging through this month's various X-Men 
comics. Mr. 50 stares into the triple-locked display case at the unnumbered first 
issue of Captain Marvel Adventures, dated 1941, and he says oh so conversation- 
ally, “I had that comic. How much is it?” 

And the clerk smiles benignly, because he has had this conversation a hun- 
dred times, because he knows that the guy remembers paying ten cents for it 
when it was new, because he knows whats coming, and he replies, “It's only in 
fine condition, not near mint. It goes for $2700. Shame it’s got a little spine roll 
to it, or we could've called it very fine; that'd be about six grand.” Pale, very 
pale, goes Mr. 50. 

And he says (make book on it), “My mother threw out all my comics.” 

And that’s why this guy’s kids never got to go to college. Because Joe Tobul’s 
mother threw out all those comics that would have become an annuity. Guy 
could have been living on the Riviera today. Could own a controlling interest in 
AT&T. 

But that’s the way it was. Because comics were kid stuff. They were “bad” for 
kids, the way a Red Ryder BB gun was bad for kids. The rifle would put your 


article 
By HARLAN ELLISON 


ILLUSTRATION BY FON VILLANI 


164 


ROCKETEER: Dave Stevens sets the explaits of 
aviator/accidental crime fighter Cliff Secard 
in the pulp-adventure Thirties. Girlie model 
Bettie Poge of the Fifties is the love interest. 


eye out (as Jean Shepherd has told us), 
and comics would rot your brain. And if 
you didn’t believe it, along came the 
Fifties’ own Cotton Mather, the late Dr. 
Frederic Wertham, who, in a book called 
Seduction of Њо Innocent, could give you 
chapter and verse, gore and protuberant 
nipples on how mind-rotting those evil 
comics were. So all the Joe Tobul's moth- 
ers in this great nation, meaning well or 
just cleaning out the closet when you 
went to college, saved their kids from a 
fate worse than enlightenment, and 
thereby blighted millions of lives. 

Yeah, that's the way it was. Today, fol- 
lowing the lead of the rest of the world, 
coming to awareness behind the eye- 
opening and ground-breaking achieve- 
ments of a handful of comics writers and 
artists who have snared critical and flash- 
media attention, this great nation is com- 
ing to understand that it has been a long 
time since comics were only kid stuff, that 
comics need no longer be a secret “guilty 
pleasure” for adults, that a vast treasure- 
trove of wonders has been lost, forgotten, 
mishandled and ignored, while its cre- 
ators have been kept in artistic chains 
and actual poverty like poor bean-field 
hands, and that comic books not only 
have a claim to posterity but are one of 
only five native-American art forms that 
we've given the world: jazz, of course; 
musical comedy as we know it today; the 
detect story as created by Poe; the 
banjo; and comic books. 

Yet every time some parvenu publica- 
tion “discovers” comics, only 20 or 30 
years late, untutored and ham-handed 
editorial twits invariably present the ma- 


terial under idiot headlines of the 
“BANGI SOCKO! WHACKT" ilk, reinforcing sub- 
literate stereotypes of a genre that for 
three generations has delighted the rest 
of the world with its cleverness. 

Every other October in Lucca, Italy, 
the town turns into a comic-book festival. 
The entire town. Guests stream in from 
around the world, Lucca even issues 
postage stamps with Prince Valiant and 
Steve Canyon and Little Nemo on’ them. 
In Japan, as common as sashimi are the 
millions of copies of comic books—called 
manga—sold every week, some as thick 
as the annotated Kobo Abe, read by 
more adults than children in that most 
literate of nations, and read as seriously 
as novels and financial reports. In parts 
of Africa, Marvel's ebony superhero, The 
Black Panther, is looked on as a signif- 
icant mythical figure, in the way Span- 
iards revere E] Cid. In France, comics are 
held in such high esteem that Metal 
Hurlent, a graphics magazine, is a best- 
selling periodical, and the artist Moebius 
is considered a national treasure. 

Ah, but in America, venal televange- 
lists as crazy as fruit bats hold up copies 
of Elektra: Assassin and scare a video con- 
gregation slavering for fresh satanic 
menaces (having long since grown bored 
with the red herring of alleged demonic 
messages badly recorded backward on 
heavy-metal albums nobody would listen 
to without a gun at their head, anyway) 
with assurances that this comical book is 
filled—nay riddled, nay, festooned—with 
demonology, bestiality, rampant sexuality 
and even—whisper the dreaded word— 
humanism! Yeah, sure; and Mighty 


a. 


MISTER X: With the ort-deco eyes of an ort 
director/designer, 35-year-old Dean Motter 
starkly updates Fritz Langs Metropolis in 
the surreal, decadent city of Somnopolis. 


Mouse sniffs cocaine . . . if your head is 
loose on its bolts. 

For more than half a century, comics in 
America have been kept adolescent, con- 
sidered throwaway trash, beneath the no- 
tice of “serious” critics of art, paid heed 
only when the Warhols and the Lichten- 
steins plunder the treasure house, self- 
consciously recasting the innocent and 


LEER 


HELLBLAZER- ly unsettling contempo- 
тогу horror would give Dean Koontz, King 
and Clive Barker the screaming meemies—all 
of it. dark, down and dirty in eerie England. 


innovative work of creative intellects 
whose names are unknown to all but an 
underground of readers, specialty huck- 
sters, pop-culture academics and wave 
after wave of bright-eyed naifs come to 
work in that slaughterhouse of talent, the 
comics industry. Their names are un- 
known to those who stock the Frick, the 
Museum of Modern Art and the Gug- 
genheim, but not to Fellini, Truffaut and 
Resnais, who constantly pay homage to 
the images of Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Jerry 
Siegel, Joe Shuster, Jack Cole, C. C. Beck, 
Will Eisner, Bob Kane and Bill Finger. 

If those names do not resonate as clear- 
ly as those of Norman Rockwell, 
Maxfield Parrish and Andrew Wyeth— 
great American illustrators who worked 
in media popularly accepted and not 
considered disreputable—then how 
about these names: Captain America, the 
Silver Surfer, the Hulk, Superman, Plas- 
tic Man, Captain Marvel, The Spirit and 
Batman? 

While your back was turned, while you 
were busy fighting wars and codifying 
the rise 'т/ fall of the Yuppie empire, 
comic books went whistling past puberty 
and reached adulthood. 

In a recent issue of The Incredible Hulk, 


an up-and-coming young writer named 
Peter David wrote one of the most power- 
ful battered-wife stories you'll encounter 
outside 60 Minutes. Yes, the story fea- 
tures the tormented Dr. Bruce Banner, 
whose exposure to gamma rays turns 
him into the ravening Hulk when he gets 
angry, but the spur to triggering his 
transformation is a mainstream сха! 
nation of machismo, the tyranny of small- 
town bullies and the brutalization of 
women. 

In the first issue of a marvelous new 
comic titled The Big Prize, the talented 
Gerard Jo es recasts the Walter Мшу 
idiom by taking nearsighted, plain-as- 
soda-water Willis Austerlitz into the 
wish-fulfillment world each of us has 
yearned to know: He wins the big prize: 


THE SPIRIT: The masterful cinematic style of 
Will Eisner, rescued fram oblivion in Sunday 


newspoper supplements, features а guy 
wha lives under Wildwood Cemetery 


A time traveler from a TV show of the 
future makes a mistake, lands in our to- 
day and awards him the right to visit the 
past. Austerlitz goes back to a gentler, 
more interesting time, the Thirties. But 
itisn't the idyllic dream our memories de- 
liver. It is a time of poverty, racism, the 
Iowa farm strikes, Red baiting. It is the 
real Thirties, not an adolescent recollec- 
tion of “good times.” 

‘Antic comedy as rich as Pogo or the 
best of Dudley Do-Right roils and gushes 
and overflows the pages of iam Van 
Horn’s Nervous Rex, the primordial saga 
of a henpecked tiny ‘Tyrannosaurus 
whose behemoth of a wife devils his 
every moment, whose world is filled with 
mud flies that deliver one-liners in a Mex- 
ican accent, with the saurians deter- 
mined to debase him, with a world very 


CONCRETE: Initially turned down by mony 
publishers, in just two years, Chadwick's trag- 
ic, profaundly human creatian has since 
wan possioncte acclaim, five major awards. 


much like our own, in which we find 
ourselves often unwittingly acting like 
Caspar Milquetoast when we know that 
we are capable of courage and heroism. 

Doesn't sound much like what was go- 
ing on in comic books even ten years ago, 
does it? 

Those are a mere handful of the cre- 
ations of a cadre of some of the most in- 
novative, wildly imaginative artists and 
writers this country has ever produced, 
work-for-hire talents who have created a 
vast body of popular art that constantly 
struggled against Philistine ignorance 
and market-place brutality toward High 
Art. But Siegel and Shuster's Superman 
does not hang in the Museum of Modern 
Art, and the imitations of Warhol and 
Lichtenstein do. Yet the former is per- 
siflage, you may say, and the culture 
mavens at Art Forum will agree, while the 
latter has solid claim to posterity. 

But consider this: If one of the unar- 
guable critera for literary greatness is 
universal recognition, in all of the histo- 
ry of literature, there are only five 
fictional creations known to every man, 
woman and child on the planet. 

The urchin in Irkutsk may never have 
heard of Hamlet; the peon in Pernam- 
buco may not know who Raskolnikov is; 
the widow in Djakarta may stare blankly 
at the mention of Don Quixote or Micaw- 
ber or Jay Gatsby. But every man, woman 
and child on the planet knows Mickey 
Mouse, Sherlock Holmes, Tarzan, Robin 
Hood... and Superman. 

This fanciful creation—in 1933—of a 
pair of 17-year-old Cleveland schoolboys 
has remained center stage in the Ameri- 


can mythos for more than 50 years. The 
orphan from Krypton has appeared in 
animated cartoons for theatrical exhibi- 
tion, in live-action movie serials, in a ra- 
dio series, television series, cartoons for 
television, novels, hundreds of thousands 
of comic books, Broadway musicals, on 
lunch boxes, bed sheets, drinking glass- 
es, as Halloween costumes, dolls and 
plastic models and made a star of 
Christopher Reeve. 

But Superman is more than just the 
fanciful daydream of a couple of kids 
who wanted to break into comics. He is 
the 20th Century archetype of mankind 
at its finest. He is courage and huma: 
steadfastness and decency, responsibility 
and ethic. He is our universal longing for 
perfection, for wisdom and power used 
in the service of the human race. 

The comic books have been the 
McGuffey’s Readers of the masses, the pic- 
ture books of our strange society. And, at 
last, in just the past seven years, it has be- 
come clear that intelligent adults, lovers 
of art, discriminating readers, observers 
of the forces that shape our culture are 
rediscovering the comic book. Atits best, 
the new work of Alan Moore, Paul Chad- 
wick, Peter David, Frank Miller, the Her- 
nandez Brothers, Dave Gibbons and 
Steve Moncuse—and a rage of others—is 
creating a superior library of serious, en- 
tertaining, important reflections of our 
times, our dreams, our nobility and our 
depravity. 


THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Fraught with a 
miasmic Freudian angst, Frank Miller's saga af 
the 50ish Batman caming aut af retirement 
makes Death Wish seem dull by comparisan. 


As the science-fiction movies of the 
Fifties reflected Cold War paranoia, so 
do the comic (continued on page 174) 


miss anthony, 
hot actress and 
brash brit, loves 
to shock the home-town 
folks with her 


body english 


DONA 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATTHEW ROLSTON 


text by Joan Goodman When she was 17 and star- 
ring in her first important film, Krull, Lysette Anthony 


looked the perfect English hothouse rose. With her long 


burnished-gold hair, wide Orphan An- 
nie eyes and schoolgirl dresses, she 
was the picture of a fairy princess— 
which is what she played in that 
doomed movie. “I hate that film as 
only one who passionately loved some- 
thing can hate it,” says Lysette today. 
“It has haunted me for years. People 
still think of me that way. Casting di- 
rectors still say, “Where is your long 
blonde hair, Lysette?’” These days, Ly- 
sette wears her dark hair cropped 
dose to her head. Her blue eyes, still 
round, are now teasing and savvy and 


her figure is as trim and lithe as a 


In Without a Clue, о comic spoof of the Sherlock 
Holmes stories, Lysette plays a damsel in distress 
aided by an astute Dr. Watson (Ben Kingsley, 
left) and a bumbling Holmes—Michoel Coine. 


dancers. She talks in short bursts of speed, her words 
barely keeping up with her thoughts. “I didn't realize it, 
thank God, or I would have curled up and died,” says 


Lysette, “but after Krull, people 
wouldn't cast me, because they said 1 
was too pretty, too chocolate-boxy.” 
Her brow knits in disdain. “You know 
the English; they like to keep you in a 
niche. You have to shock them if you 
want to make a change.” Lysette, who 
thrives on shocking people, has made 
a lot of changes, and her seven-year 
battle to be taken seriously as an ac- 
tress is beginning to pay off, with 
three films this year. The first to be re- 
leased is the current Without a Clue, a 
Sherlock Holmes spoof 
Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley. (“I 


starring 


167 


HAIR BY SALLY HERSHBERGER, VISAGES 
MAKE-UP BY LINDA MASON AND FRANCESCA TOLOT, CLOUTIER 


STYLING BY RANOY PALMER, CLOUTIER 


SET DESIGN BY RON OATES, CLOUTIER 


play a baddie for the first time.”) CBS 
has just aired Jack ihe Ripper, again 
starring Michael Caine. Its a feisty Ly- 
sette this time. "I play an Irish girl 
raw, drunken, a little slut. Fighting, 
but with a kind of innocence that I can 
understand.” Then in December 
comes Dangerous Love for CBS, based 
оп the book Cupid Rides Pillion, by 
Barbara Cartland, with a cast that in- 
cludes Michael York, Oliver Reed and 
Claire Bloom. “Its a formula thing, 
like all Cartland books. 1 play a vir- 
ginal young girl, orphaned and very 
rich. 1 have such problems describing 
her, because this whole virginal thing 
is last on my list of priorities.” None of 
these projects would have happened 
had the outspoken Lysette not forced 
the issue. She had to fight to be audi- 
tioned for Without a Clue. “1 heard at 
first that the producers wouldn't see 
me for the film. I nearly killed the 
casting director. 1 thought, Fuck the 


lot of you, you're going to see me. And 


they did. I read for the part with a lot of other girls who all came on as sweet, sweet, sweet. 1 thought to myself, There’s only 


one girl in this film and she’s got to be sexy. English actresses are afraid of that. That's why they don't do well. I used to be 


that way myself. I'd go to auditions in proper dresses like a nice clean English girl. Now I say ‘Fuck it’ and go looking like 


me.” It was not only her looks but a combination of assets that won her the challenging lead in a small Dutch film, Looking 


for Eileen, which required her to play а dual role—as a scruffy Belfast girl and a (text concluded on page 221) 


PLAYBOY 


174 


IT AIN'T TOONTOWN (continue from page 165) 


“ love Superman, and yet, in my mind, he’s been 


twisted around into some kind of alien thing. 


2» 


books of the Eighties mirror and inter- 
pret our contemporary fears and ob- 
sessions. In Concrete, we deal with 
individual identity, the cult of celeb- 
rity, the venality of the common man and 
woman; in Batman: The Dark Knight Re- 
turns, we suffer the terrors of urban 
blight, random street violence and the al- 
leged impotence of the average citizen; 
in The Watchmen and V for Vendetta, we 
are permitted to extrapolate the menace 
of multinationals running amuck, gov- 
ernment by secrecy, the instability of so- 
ciety in the nuclear age... . 

But that's getting ahead of the story It 
has been only since November of 1981, 
and the appearance of the premiere issue 
of Captain Victory, the first creator- 
owned superhero comic in the history of 
the industry—written and drawn by the 
legendary Jack Kirby—that the exploita- 
tive “plantation mentality” of the tradi- 
tional comics publishers was challenged. 
A mere seven years since the emergence 
of the independents, the kick-in of a roy- 
alty concept, the advent of the direct- 
sales market (brain child of an unsung 
hero, the late Phil Seuling) and the 
greening of a creative arena that permit- 
ted the newest crop of talents to flourish. 

But if you would understand the na- 
ture of the chains that are being broken, 
come back in time to the days in which 
those chains were first fastened on. Come 
back to the origins of the Gulag. 


B 

Nineteen thirty-three. Since the turn 
of the century, the closest thing to mod- 
ern comics has been compilations of prc- 
viously published newspaper strips. Now 
a New York printing company, Eastern 
Color, one of perhaps a dozen firms en- 
Eaged in producing newspaper comic 
sections as Sunday color supplements, be- 
gins issuing books in the modern for- 
mat—slick covers, newsprint-paper guts 
in crude color, roughly 7' x 10'—as pre- 
miums: giveaways for retailers and man- 
ufacturers. 

A salesman at Eastern named M. C. 
Gaines notices how popular the loss lead- 
ers seem to be. Gaines is a colorful char- 
acter: ex-haberdasher, ex-bootlegger, 
ex—munitions-factory worker; а man 
who marketed we WANT BEER! neckties 
during Prol ion; and the father of 
Mad magazines Bill Gaines. But beyond 
his famboyance, he's canny: He sees how 
kids seem to clamor for those eight-page 
tabloids folded down to 32 pages. He 


tests the market by putting ten-cent price 
stickers on a few copies and leaves them 
at two newsstands just to see what hap- 
pens. They're snapped up instantly. So 
Eastern publishes the first modern comic 
book, Funnies on Parade, follows it with 
Famous Funnies later that year and, sens- 
ing that it is on to something hot, still lat- 
er that year goes to 100 pages in Century 
of Comics. 

But those are still reprint books. It isn't. 
until February of 1935 that the first 
comic book comprised entirely of origi- 
nal material and continuing characters is 
published. It is titled New Fun Comics 
and its parent company is an offshoot of 
a healthy printing company owned by 
Major Malcolm Wheeler-Nicholson; he 
names it DC, short for Detective Comics. 
You can soon forget the major, because 
late in 1937, he folds and sells some of the 
DC properties to Harry Donenfeld, who 
goes into the business with the attitudes 
of the garment industry—piecework, 
sweatshop, assembly line—and he takes 
оп as an operating partner a savvy ac- 
countant, Jacob Liebowitz, who functions 
as publisher. 

I say soon forget, but not immediately 
forget, the major, because he plays one 
additional role in the creation of this 
eventually multimillion-dollar industry. 
By 1936, he is using comic strips with ti 
tles such as Dr. Occult and Slam Bradley 
in New Fun, New Adventure and Detective 
Comics, features written and drawn by 
Siegel and Shuster. Now he passes into 
the mists of minutiae and we follow Jerry 
and Joe, those two ex—Cleveland high 
school boys who, three years earlier, 
came up with the concept of Superman. 

Now it's December 4, 1937, and Jerry 
Siegel meets in New York with the new 
DC publisher, Liebowitz. Heed this meet- 
ing. It sets the tone for all labor-manage- 
ment relations in the comic-book 
medium for 50 years. 

According to historian Steve Gerber 
(who, incidentally is the creator of 
Howard the Duck): "That meeting re- 
sulted in a contract agreement that stipu- 
lated that Siegel and Shuster would 
continue to produce Slam Bradley and 
The Spy exclusively for DC for two years, 
that DC would be sole owner of the mate- 
rial, that the creators would be paid ten 
dollars a page of story and finished art 
for their efforts, and that DC would have 
first option on acceptance of any new 
comics features that Siegel and Shuster 


might originate." 

Now it's 1988, Gaines has gone over to 
help Donenfeld get the DC line moving; 
Superman has grown tattered, being 
shunted around for possible daily-strip 
syndication, but has been universally re- 
jected; Siegel takes it in to DC, where 
Gaines, Donenfeld and Liebowitz look it 
over and decide to buy the feature and 
use it as the lead in their new book, Ac- 
tion Comics. 

Liebowitz then sends a release form to 
the boys that reads, in part, as follows: 


I, the undersigned, am an artist 
or author and have performed work 
for strip titled Superman. 

In consideration of $130 agreed 
to be paid to me by you, I here- 
by sell and transfer such work and 
strip, all good will attached thereto 
and exclusive right to use the char- 
acters and story, continuity and title 
of strip contained therein to you 
and your assigns to have and hold 
forever and to be your exclusive 
property... 

The garment-center-sweatshop work- 
for-hire mentality comes early and fero- 
ciously to the new land, a.k.a, the Gulag. 

On March 3, 1938, Jerry and Joe sign 
the release and lose, for all time, any and 
all claim to whole or partial ownership of 
Superman, the creation on which they've 
pinned most of their hopes and dreams 
for five years. 

(It is impossible to arrive at even a 
ball-park figure, even for DC, but a 
knowledgeable source who continues to 
work in the field suggests that in the 20 
years from 1960 to 1980, more than 
$250,000,000 was logged by DC for roy- 
alties accruing from Superman gewgaws, 
collectables and tsatskes). 

The Depression was in full swing. 
Gasoline cost 15 cents a gallon. A loaf of 
bread was seven cents. In today's curren- 
cy, Siegel and Shuster's $130 would be 
equivalent to $2000. And don't forget: 
These were two naive, hungry Ohio 
trying to make a living in a fledgling in- 
dustry. 

Ina 1975 press release on the occasion 
of the purchase of rights to Superman 
by Ilya Salkind and Pierre Spengler for 
the first Man of Steel motion picture, a 
film originally budgeted at $15,000,000 
(eventually $55,000,000), a deal from 
which Siegel and Shuster never realized a 
cent, Siegel wrote, “I can't stand to look at 
a Superman comic book. It makes me 
physically ill. I love Superman, and yet, 
in my mind, hes been twisted around in- 
to some kind of alien thing.” 

At the time, he and Shuster were 61 
years old. Siegel was working in a mail 
room in Los Angeles, making $7000 
a year. Shuster was legally blind, un- 
employed and being supported by his 

(continued on page 222) 


“Don't forget а Christmas box for young Peterson there.” 


176 


BA-DUM-CHUUNR! A funny thing happened on the way to the Nincties. Stand-up 
comedy has emerged as a national obsession, and laughing stock has gone 
through the roof. It’s all in the timing. The Rim-Shot Generation has produced 
its own Ironic voice and a breed of cheerful cynics to calibrate it. In droves, these 
strange, brave men and women prowl stages, wielding microphone and attitude, 
making sense of morass. Laffeterias have replaced night clubs and proliferate in 
chains and franchises that compete for talent like old warring Hollywood stu- 
dios. Stand-ups, meanwhile, are entrusted to sell us beer and corn chips and 
deodorant—and motor oil, too. They have made cable their corral and they in- 
filtrate virtually every network sitcom. And all of them yearn for approval 


from the gap-toothed Hoosier whose post-Carson vortex ex 


sts solely for their 


career advancement. At last, they got respect! But, boy, are their arms tired... . 


STAND-UP 


in the world of mikes and men, the joker is wild 


JOHNNY VS. DAVE—A VIEW FROM 
THE HOT SEAT 

Carson is deity. His power is ethereal, 
his minions vast. When his thumb meets 
forefinger after your Burbank berth, 
consider yourself anointed. Should he 
mouth the words good stuff. go buy a car. 
His approval translates to America’s ap- 
proval. You can get a sitcom deal on the 
strength of a Carson shot. And gigs ga- 
lore. Mainstream comics are his prefer- 
ence; oddballs are generally unwelcome. 
Next time, you will probably be allowed 
to sit next to the desk and bask in his 
mythic aura. You will be in awe. But rest 
assured: He is the friendliest straight 
man you will ever meet. 

Letterman is mogul. He is comedy’s 
C.E.O. with cigar and furrowed brow. 
You will always be invited to sit down afi- 
er your set, but he sits higher than you 
and intimidates. Expect thrust and par- 
ту. He leans forward, challenges and will 
force you to be funnier or die. Unusual 
acts are OK, but should you make him 
uncomfortable, you will not return soon. 
Which will hurt. His audience is more 
comedically astute; unlike Carson's 
crowd, it will flock to clubs to see your 
act. Try as you may, without the Letter 
man endorsement, you will never be hip. 


a A 


The Desk Set: One chortles at night 
court jesters, the ather cally smirks. 


WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER 
SHAKE HANDS WITH A COMIC 
“Did you ever notice a lot of con 
hold their dick on stage? The reason 
for me, I get the feeling everyone's 
from me, and I'm so naked up ther 
"The more honest I get, the more I" 
bing for it 


gl 
—BOBEAT GOLD TINO 


BUT DON'T TAKE MY 
MATERIAL— PUH-LEEZE! 
Who are the Joe Bidens of comedy? 
Which serca 


ILLUSTRATION BY EVERETT PECK 


Paul (My Tivo Dads) Reiser seemingly 
aped Richard Le distinctive super- 
neurotic kveich appeal? Perhaps the most 
notorious—and surprising—acquisitor 
of all is Robin Williams, whose absorbent 
synapses soak up all things funny and ос- 
casionally spit them back, unattributed. 
“Tve been called the Milton Berle of our 
generation,” Wil 
out in clubs for ci, 
things that would later come out 
wrong time. I'm aware of it. If it's 
pened, Гуе paid for it—mone: 
cases, to at least a couple of people. But, 
fuck it, no, I dont go out and make raids. 
Now [ll wait outside the club until it's my 
turn to go on. [cant be accused of taking 
jokes I never heard." 


WHAT COMICS REALLY TALK ABOUT 

Why Richard Lewis and Dennis Miller 
are the only comics who can get laid. 

Why loathsome propman Gallagher 


y Shandling got so hip. 
What possesses Jay Leno to keep work- 
ing so hard on the road 
How Emo Philips and Judy ‘Tenuta, 
stand-up comedy professional odd cou- 
ple, would look ¿n flagrante 


178 


JUST À FEW THINGS RICHARD LEWIS 


SAYS HE COULD HAVE DONE 
If he hadn't spent—to date—$246,000 
on therapy: 


1. Privately funded further Elvis, Bi 
foot and Jim Morrison where-are-they 
investigations. 

2. Marketed a signature line of bad- 
posture clothing. 

3. Hired a hypnotist to convince my 
judgmental relatives that I'm actually a 
happily married orthodontist in Miami 


eae 1: 8000 2 


Beach with three kids and a 
dog named Duke. 

4. Become owner of a Jewish-commu- 
nity-center intramural team. 

5. Bought my own fez factory. 

6. psychiatric bills for the founder 
of arena football, 

7. Bribed original members of Procol 
Harum back into the studio. 

8. Formed a lobby to make automatic 
transmissions mandatory, thereby quell- 
ing my constant fear of not being able to 
drive a stricken loved one to the emer- 
gency room because I can't drive stick, 


SOUL OF A GENERIC ROUTINE 

How about that L.A. traffic, huh? 
Snails were passing me on the freeway. 
Snails with guns. New York is different. 
Rude people! I got into a cab the other 
day and said, “Take me downtown,” and 
the cabby said, "Ugabooga." Do you have 
to speak a foreign language to drive a 
cab? And, say, how can Iran win wars 
when all the Iranians are working at 7- 
Eleven? But dating in the Eighties is 
hard. I know I am. And what about the 
AIDS thing? They say you sleep with all 
the partners your partners ever had; 
does that mean the second time I slept 
with my girlfriend, I was fucking myself? 
But I don't mind airline food; I majored 
in geology. Cars talk back to you now! 
How many whales do you have to save to. 
get a toaster? Are commercials dumb, or 
what? And why did everyone on Gilligan's 
Island take luggage for a three-hour 
tour? I beuer ask my shrink. So where ya 
from? What do you do? Are the girls 
stuck in traffic? I kid, but we're all the 


VL Her 70% and Ra Lares 


same under the skin—gooey But, hey, 
that's what life's all about, isn’t it? You've 
been great. I love ya. Give yourselves a 
hand. I mean it. 


HOW MANY COMEDIANS DOES 
IT TAKE TO. ..? 

The burning issue in comedy today is 
the glut of cut-rate comics. The would-be 
Lenos are lowering the laugh levels at 
clubs across the country. “We're inundat- 


Jeez, is he neurotic? Richord Lewis actually irked over the address on 
his check, even though we hod olreody promised him we'd hondle it. 


ed with new comedians,” gripes Leuter- 
man pal Jeff Altman. “It should be like 
aliens—there should be a fence 

Blame the increase in comedy wet- 
backs on weekly open-mike nights at 
cabarets. Blame it on the gaggle of come 
dy contests on cable—which turn profits 
because proprietors don't have to pay for 
professionals. "I'm always meeting sump- 
pump operators who зау, ‘I won the con- 


west for Best Comic Without Brain 
Damage in Biloxi,’” laments Judy Tenuta. 
Or maybe it’s a matter of perspective. 


As Gilbert Gottfried said after sizing up 
a slew of comics at a festival, “Did any of 
them impress me? None, none. Anything 
next to me is a disappointment.” 


COMICS AND ROMANCE 

A comedian's love interest, according 
to Richard Belzer in his new book, How 
lo Be a Stand-up Comic, should be more 
than just the target of jokes for the act 

“You want a woman who thi 
funny but doesn't laugh at everything you 
say, like, ‘Honey, I'm having chest 
pains. 

Comics, he warns, should not date oth- 
er comics. “When you split up, 
messy. Who gets custody of the material?” 


HECKLER QUIZ 

Match the comic with the p 

L “I remember my first bee 

2. “You look like my brother Bosco, ex- 
cept he has a human head.” 
Kiss my ass and fuck off.” 

4. “What were you expecting? An Avi- 
ance night?” 

5. "I£ 1 want any more shit from you, 
ГЇЇ squeeze your head. 

6.“It makes my job so much easier 
when the audience comes prepared with 
its own material.’ 

7. “Lets not turn this into a pirates 
den.” 

8. “Suck my dick.” 


A. Steve Martin 

B. Judy Tenuta 

C. Sandra Bernhard 
D. Bobcat Goldthwai 
E. Richard Belzer 
F. Howie Mandel 
C. Roseanne 
H. Richard Lewis 


Answers: 1(A) 2(B) 3(C) 4(D) 
5(E) 6(F) 7(H) 8(G) 


LIFE WITH LENO 
Jay Leno has the hardest-working trav- 
el agent in show business. Wlien not sub- 
bing for Carson, he fulfills a herculean 
itinerary of 300-some dates a year, span- 
ing approximately 42 states. An actual 
a-glance print-out: 


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SE er W ta Mn m 
rpm wet p 
every sad UE ы" АЗА Я om 
ta m жна ar d 
Spee, ES Е 
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e sequent 

sgr Batra 
= 

mr Pes 


MEN 
Eloyne Boosler, satirical girl, 
keeps her wit—and her 
epidermis—extremely dry. 


Jay leno, raad warrior, hos 
accelerated ta became the un- 
disputed leader af the pack. 


JERRY SEINFELD'S 
THREE NEVERS IN COMEDY 

Nodding to Elayne (“Never let "em see 
you sweat”) Boosler's deodorant ad, Jerry 
Seinfeld offers his stand-up nevers. 

1. Never ask the audience-if they won- 
der about Chicken McNuggets or the 
managers of 7-Eleven stores. 

2. Never invite to your dressing room 
someone who offers to sell you some 
great material you “might need to clean 
up a little bit.” 

3. Never, if offered a movie, take it for 
granted that you're as funny in profile as 
you are when facing an audience. 


HOLLYWOOD ... 
Eddie Murphy (Coming to America. Bev- 
erly Hills Cop) 
Steve Martin (Roxanne, All of Me) 
Robin Williams (Good Morning, Vietnam) 
Billy Crystal (Running Scared) 


+ » AND WHINE 
Whoopi Goldberg (Burglar, Jumpin 
Jack Flash) 
Jay Leno (Silver Bears, Collision Course) 
Joe Piscopo (Wise Guys) 
Jackie Mason (Caddyshack 11) 


Rabin Williams, stand-up cho- 
meleon, remains the unrivaled 
genius profundo of improv. 


Gilbert Gottfried. phlegmatic 
рћепот—асасоосооо, is 
this guy intense? Definitely! 


RUBBER-CHICKEN AWARDS 
(enough, already) 
Gallagher 
Roseanne Barr 
Emo Philips 
Joe Piscopo 
Yakov Smirnoff 
Jackie Mason 
Jimmie "]. J” Walker 
Rip Taylor 


= 
STAND-UP STARS FOR THE NINETIES 
Jerry Seinfeld 
Ibert Gottfried (first runner-up) 
Rita Rudner (second runner-up) 


TM 


TOP RETIRED STAND-UPS 
Woody Allen 
Steve Martin 
Albert Brooks 


Jerry Seinfeld, flippant quip- 
ster, deftly delivers the skewed 


view of а new generation. 


Sondra Bernhard, maiden of 
irony, wrenches laughs—nerv- 
ous loughs—from her crawd. 


‘TOP-TEN LIST: 
LETTERMAN 


(by number of appearances) 
Jay Leno, 34 
32 


Sandra Bernhard, 19 
Billy Crystal, 19 
Robert Klein, 19 

Elayne Boosler, 18 
Rita Rudner, 17 
Carol Leifer, 14 
Jerry Seinfeld, 14 


TOP-TEN LIST: 
CARSON 


(most frequent regulars 
in alphabetical order) 
David Brenner 
George Carlin 
Tim Conway 
Buddy Hackett 
Jay Leno 
Bob Newhart 
Don Rickles 
Jerry Seinfeld 
Garry Shandling 
David Stemberg 


SEx STA ARS 


OF 1988 ње 


AM NOT BAD... 
IM JUST DRAWN 
tl WAY.” 


JESSICA RABBIT 
Curve Doll 


read all about it: 

the hits, splits and 
mergers that 

didn't take place 
on wall street 


NEW AGERS have a theory: 
Theres no such thing 
as time, at least not the 
way the rest of us see it. 
Therefore, all the Sex 
Stars of 1988 are actually 
living decades ago—and 
today, too. Well, why not? 
Once youre accustomed 
to getting the best tables, 
it's probably no big trick 
to pick and choose among 
time warps, and heaven 
knows, the Eighties have 
had their drawbacks. 
There is something suspi- 
ciously like the Forties 
and Fifties in the way so 
many celebrities are find- 
ing themselves caught 
between marriage and di- 
vorce. One day, they may 
attempt a wholesome ro- 
mance, slipping into 
something more comfort- 
able but less fun; the 
next, they're sleeping 
(text continued on page 198) 


The fact that the sexiest fe- 
male on screen this year is a 
curvaceous cartoon character 
may fell us something about 
the state of cinematic erotica. 
Nevertheless, Jessica Rabbit 
is definitely it Tops in the 
non-Toon category, as we see 
it, are Kevin Costner and Su- 
san Sarandon, whose bath- 
tub scene in Bull Durham 
should have doubled the price 
of any candle-company stock. 


KEVIN COSTNER, 
SUSAN SARANDON 
Major-Leaguers 


JANIE LEE CURTIS 
Wanda Woman 


TOM HANKS —— 


Big Man on Screen 6 > 


HOLLYWOOD’S HOTTEST 
Steaming up screens big and small 
in 1988 (clockwise, from left): Jamie 
Lee Curtis, who's an irresistible con 
woman in A Fish Called Wanda; Tom 
Hanks, hero of the blockbuster Big 
land the somewhat less successful 
Punchline); Cher, an Academy Award 
winner this year for 1987's dura- 
ble Moonstruck; Vanna White, still 
Wheel of Fortune's cookie, who won 
the title role in NBC-TV's movie God- 
dess of Love (a romantic comedy in 
which the legendary Venus springs 
to life after spending 3000 years as a 
statue); Eddie Murphy, the African 
prince who fakes poverty to search 
for a bride in Coming to America; So- 
nia Braga, an activist in The Milagro 
Beanfield War and a dictator's mis- 
tress in Moon over Parador; and Tom 
Cruise, whose sheer hunkiness ap- 
pears to have been the raison d'ëtre 
for making Cocktail, in which he 
plays a bartender on the make. 
What he made most of was money, 
for Disney's Touchstone Pictures. 


TOM CRUISE 
Busiest Barkeep 


` CHER VANNA WHITE 
k. Oscar's Darling SE Venus, with Arms 


tl 


SONIA BRAGA | Í EDDIE MURPHY 
Brazilian Bombshell 1 | Coming’s Attraction 


PHOEBE LEGERE 
Plymouth Rocker 


MICHAEL JACKSON И h PAMELA DES BARRES 
Holding 0п 1 Kiss-and-Teller 


SAMANTHA FOX +. 
Video Vixen 


They 
got rhythm (clockwise, from top far left): 
Phoebe Légére, the Mayflower descendant 
who's heating up the Manhattan club 
scene (and June's Playboy pages); Pamela 
Des Barres, whose book /m with the 
Band (soon to be a movie, possibly star- 
ring Ally Sheedy) details her liaisons 
with a legion of rockers; Samantha Fox, 
whose latest single and video hit is 
Naughty Girls (Need Love Too): Vanessa 
Williams, the dethroned Miss America 
turned singer, whose Right Stuff rocketed 
to the top of the charts; Prince, who 
adopted this pose for the cover of his al- 
bum Lovesexy; Vanity, who beefed up her 
résumé with major-movie experience by 
playing a chanteuse in Action Jackson; 
Michael Crawford, who has been drawing 
S.R.0. audiences to Broadway with his 
portrayal of the titular Phantom of the 
Opera in the boffo Andrew Lloyd Webber 
musical; and the unquenchable Michael 
Jackson, who seems to be utilizing his 
mike as an incarnation of his hit single An- 
other Part of Me. As we've always liked to 
observe, you can't keep a good man down. 


MICHAEL CRAWFORD 
Best on Broadway 


\ 
м 


VANESSA WILLIAMS 
Best Career Move 


VANITY 
Smoothest Action 


LINDA KOZLOWSKI, MIKE TYSON, „ ) DONALD and 
PAUL HOGAN TL ROBIN GIVENS \« / IVANA TRUMP 
G'day, G'bye d Cutest Couple Powar Players 


When it comes to headline making, two are better than one. Has Linda Kozlowski, his 
co-ster in "Crocodile" Dundees І and Il, replaced a wife of 30 years in Paul Hogan's affections? Looks like it (above left), but 
did Linda actually call Paul boring? Boxing champ Mike Tyson and TV's Robin Givens (above center) tied the knot, as did 
actress and Playboy favorite Janet Jones (below) and hockey great Wayne Gretzky, who then broke Edmonton's municipal 
heart by moving to L.A. Megabucks mogul Donald Trump spent some $30,000,000 to buy and $8,500,000 more to redecorate 
arms middleman Adnan Khashoggi's yacht, aboard which Ivana may not run into anybody who patronizes her dressmaker. 


/ JANET JONES, 


WAYNE GRETZKY £ 
Niftiest Newiyweds Я р 
a 2 
b * > 
8 
w Й, i p 
e b å X 


BLONDES WE HAVE MORE 
FUN WITH Maybe we should just give 


this gown the Dress of the Year award. 
Greta Scacchi's clinging version suits her 
steamy role in White Mischief. Brigitte 
Nielsen needn't wear anything to make an 
impression (notably on grid pro Mark Gas- 
tineau). As for gorgeous Virginia Madsen, 
her films Mr. North, Hot to Trot and Heart 
of Dixie, plus Showtime's thriller Gotham, 
may provide breaks she has long deserved. 


VIRGINIA MADSEN 
Girl Most Likely 


BRIGITTE NIELSEN 
Danish Modern 


N 
Р 
A 
\ 
JESSICA HAHN 
Born Again 
abi an 
rn | s 
` T 
E 


CARRIE LEIGH 
Carried Away 


©” 


BELLES OF 
HOLMBY HILLS 


We don't usually find 
our Sex Stars so close 
to home, but Playboy 
Mansion West was un- 
questionably where it 
was happening in ‘88. 
Jessica Hahn found it 
a sanctuary after her 
rugged ordeal with the 
religious right; while 
there, she consulted a 
plastic surgeon, with 
the results seen here 
(and in the September 
issue of Playboy, where- 
in she tells still more 
of her startling story). 
Meanwhile, Carrie Leigh, 
‚Playboy Editor and Pub- 
lisher Hugh M. Hefner's 
companion for more than 
four years, split—and 
filed a $35,000,000 pal- 
imony suit, hinting that 
Jessica'd had ѕоте- 
thing to do with the 
breakup (she hadn't). 
Hef countersued. Fur- 
ther developments fol- 
lowed rapidly. First, the 
ante was upped to 
$67,000,000. Then, to the 
surprise of the press 
(and palimony lawyer 
Marvin Mitchelson), Car- 
rie suddenly married 
antiques dealer Cory 
Margolis and dropped 
the suit. For Hef, the en- 
tire affair had an aston- 
ishing up side: Shortly 
after Carrie's departure, 
into his life walked Kim- 
berley Conrad, the Jan- 
uary 1988 Playmate 
from Vancouver, who 
had returned to 1А. 
to model. Hef was 
smitten—this time for 
good. In July, he pro- 
posed and she accepted. 


KIMBERLEY CONRAD 
Fiancée of the Year 


7 


PLAYBOY 


190 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


“In the spirit of the season, my heart goes out to 
the guys who aren't getting anything.” 


191 


2 4 0 U E 


з тто N S 


GENE SIMMONS 


that do | have that other guys want? 

Women. Lots of them.” Gene Simmons, 
for 15 years, with and without the make-up, 
has been the snake-tongued focal point of 
Kiss, one of the hardiest heavy-metal ma- 
chines to ever hit the hi-fi. Нез also an actor, 
a personal manager and a record-company 
mogul. He holds a college degree in education 
and speaks jour languages. Contributing 
Editor David Rensin talked with Simmons 
on the roof of his New York City hotel, as the 
renaissance rocker acquired some color before 
an extended Kiss tour of Europe. Afterward, 
over lunch, according to Rensin, “Simmons 
told me that the strangest thing he'd seen 
when a woman dropped her drawers was his 
Kiss face, in full make-up, tattooed on а 
shaved area of shin ‘quite close to the gateway 
to hell.” Then he said he'd be in town for a few 
more days and to call if I got bored.” 


1. 


PLAYBOY: You say you've been with 2500 
women. After the first thousand or so, 
what do you notice about them that the 
rest of us don't? 

simmons’ Women are like cats After love. 
making, a woman will wind up cleaning 
herself. Guys are slobs. Afterward, we just 
want to find an unused portion of the top 
sheet. But women’s cleaning themselves is 
like a show I've wound up asking the girls 
not to go into the bathroom to do that but 
to do it in front of me. Usually, theres a 
full-length mirror, and I want to see what 
they're doing, From the male point of view, 
it’s like studying a strange life form. 


à 2; 
heavy metals л Your ini. 

" mate-photo collec- 
premiere dou PUE 
romeo remi- What equipment do 


you use? How have 
you refined your 


nisces about 


approach to your 
1 Н models since the 
the girls he's робе S 


simmons: SX70 was 
the weapon, and it 
was over in a flash. 
[Pauses] In the be- 
ginning, I used 
to say “I have 
to remember this 
night, and Га like to 
take a photo of you.” 
And then their first. 
question was, "Well, 
what kind of pho- 
to?" But as soon as 
that question gets 


known, the 
ones he’s 
photographed 
and the nun 
who didn’t 
get away 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE LANGE 


asked, it opens up all the possibilities, and 
the ladies of the night wind up doing many 
more interesting and creative things than 
I could ever hope for. One of them hung 
onto a flagpole, nude, in Davenport, Iowa. 
She's in the book. Then there were these 
two girls who were in identical school uni- 
forms. Before the night was through, they 
became good friends, 1 became good 
friends with them and the fruit bow! be- 
came good friends with everybody. And 
the uniforms were left someplace out in 
the hallway. 

I've never had to refine my approach 
very much. In fact, 1 often wind up saying 
nothing very much. The ladies hear about 
the collection either through the grape- 
vine or through rock magazines. They 
bring up the subject. “OK, I'm ready” 
They think it’s a ritual of some sort. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: Who isn't in the photo collection 
who you wished was? 

simmons: [Pauses] I really and truly had a 
nun once. Really. Just like in all the fan- 
tasies. 1 don’t know if she had taken her 
vows, but she had an outfit with a skirt that 
was a little higher—looked like a nurse or 
something. She was young, maybe 28. 1 
was downstairs in the hotel bar. 1 never 
drink. It’s just a place to talk to people. 
And she was outside. She had gone there to 
preach to me. She kept saying, “Devil this 
and Devil that.” But as our conversation 
progressed, we both found it very stimulat- 
ing. I don’t mean sexually. We were argu- 
ing ethics, theology. 1 took theology in 
college. Got a B-plus. [Smiles] Anyway, 1 
never really cried to turn her head. The bar 
was starting to close; it was two in the 
morning. I said, "Miss, I'm going to go 
now. Its been very nice talking to you.” But 
she said it was so sad, that my soul was so 
pure and how could I be the person I 
seemed to be? I told her I didnt believe sex 
was a dirty deed at all, that it was a wonder- 
ful thing, and certainly, you should do it to 
people you like being with and are attract- 
ed to, whether you know them or not. I 
said that if one took the religious point of 
view, it's a beautiful thing that God has 
done. She said people shouldn't do it if they 
aren't married. I said, “That's not so, be- 
cause in the Old Testament, marriage real- 
ly wasn’t around. It was, ‘He begat this one 
and he begat that one.’ Who was getting 
married?” 

1 tried to excuse myself again, but she 
wanted to talk some more. I said, “I'm go- 
ing up to my room.” She said, “Pm going 
up there. We're going to discuss this and 


you're going to see the error of your ways.” 
So we wound up in the room, and I turned 
on the television. And, of course, they've 
got hog prices on at three o'clock in the 
morning, because it’s a farmer town. And 
then the television went blank and there 
was nothing to do. I said, “Look, I'm going 
to sleep” She was sitting on the bed. And 
we started staring at each other. Before we 
knew it, we started kissing, and then it was 
all over. And then, she was crying. So 1 
said, “I'll let you go.” But she said, “No, no, 
no.” I don't know what happened to her. It 
was terribly exciting, obviously. And then, 
the next morning, she left. No picture of 
that one. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Sort of The Last Temptation of 
Gene Simmons. Choose: money, sex or 
power. 

simons: Money Because with money, you 
can get sex and power. With sex, you some- 
times can get money but not always power. 
And with power, you can be a poor son of a 
bitch and not get any sex at all. You can be 
powerful like Gandhi. But I can't imagine 
somebody sleeping with Gandhi. Money is 
very sexy. It’s better than sex. Sooner or 
later, you have to pay for sex with money, 
anyway. 


K 


тылувоу: How long is the tongue, Gene? 
When did you discover that yours was 
longer than most boys? 

simmons: Is long enough to make your 
girlfriend leave you and come with me. 
[Smiles] I've never measured, actually But 
Га say it's five inches. And it spins. I'm not 
kidding. Look. [Demonstrates] Everybody 
thinks that there's been an operation. 1 
heard one story that 1 had it clipped so it 
would stick out farther. Well, it's not true. 
I'm also always asked if I do tongue exer- 
cises. That is partly true. The more you 
use it, the better it is. But the whole truth is 
that when I was born, the doctor pulled 
me out by the wrong appendage, and that's 
what got it started. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Do you remember your first 
groupie? 

SIMMONS: Yes. It happened at Electric Lady 
Studios in the Village. There were three 
bands involved—five guys all at the same 
time. [Pauses] 1 swear to you, this is not 
made up for the sake of a colorful inter- 
view. Anyway, she was like a queen bee. 
She was 6'1” and walking down the street 
in the days when clogs were four inches 


PLAYBOY 


high. I'm 6'2. She was huge. Quite attrac- 
tive but big. So I pull her down to Electric 
Lady Studios. And before she knows it, we 
wind up in a sound booth. Just as I get 
started, there's a knock on the door and 
my then producer comes in and says, 
“What's this? I'm going to tell the guys.” In 
a moment, four other guys run into the 
room, and she is totally—let’s just say that 
both of her hands, her mouth, every avail- 
able part of her was being used at once, 
and she was very happy to oblige. She 
pumped four out of five. Afterward, when 
I would talk about it, no one believed me. 
That's when I got the idea that if one goes 
hunting and never takes a photo of the tro- 
phy, what good is the trophy? 


7. 


pLavboy: What do groupies really want? Do 
they get 
simmons: To have their pussies licked out by 
Gene Simmons. [Laughs] Seriously, fuck- 
ing rock stars is more interesting than 
fucking dentists. I've been developing a 
script about two girls from Davenport who 
experience a rite of passage. A group 
comes into town, they start following the 
group and their lives change; Despite all 
the lust, the teased hair, the torn fish-net 
stockings, being an easy lay—all the nega- 
tives that people talk about—these are 
real, live human beings who are bored to 
death with their lives. The way I've heard it 
described by the girls who have shared my 
bed and floor and bathroom is that, for 
them, its not cheap sex. Its something 
grand and glorious. When they go back 
home, they don't hide it. They take pic- 
tures. In fact, they take а lot of stuff from 
my hotel room. I find sneakers missing or 
socks. I know I'm underlining my own 
name a little bit too much here, but from 
their point of view, they have escaped, 
even if it's only for one day. To some, escape 
means going to Paris and becoming a her- 
mit and an artist, and to others, it means 
fucking Gene Simmons when he comes in- 
to town. 


8. 


pramov: What's your most attractive fea- 
шге? 

SIMNONS: I shoot straight. IFI find a woman 
attractive, I'll go up to her and I'll say so. 
Та rather not pretend. I'd rather come 
right out and say, "I'd like to figure out a 
way for us to make passionate love,” or 
whatever the line of the day is. Skip dinner, 
skip the movies, I want you and I want you 
now And I always risk the quick answer 
“Get lost, buddy.” But usually, the response 
is “Oh, thank you very much.” And that 
opens up the conversation. Eventually, we 
may even have the dinner and the movie, 
but then she's usually punished for being a 
very bad girl. 1 have to punish her. 


9 
PLAYBOY: Have you had an AIDS test? Has 


the dread disease cut into your lifestyle? 
simmons: Yes. We have to have one, because 
when you go out on tours now, insurance 
companies insist on it. As for my lifestyle, 
when it rains, you have to make sure you 
wear a raincoat. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: What is love and how do you 
know when you've fallen into it? 

SIMMONS: That's a tough one. It's a word 
that’s abused. What we call love between 
lovers is crap, nonsense. If your lover is 
with somebody else, that's it. She or he ei- 
ther castrates or kills the other one. I don't 
consider that love. Very few people have 
figured out that the emotional love is really 
what it’s all about. It's not where you put 
your finger, or any other part of yourself. 
Unfortunately, women, especially, define it 
in those very terms. A man can love and be 
willing to give his life for his kids or his 
wife or his girlfriend and still have 100 
mistresses on the side. And, for him, the 
two never meet and are never misunder- 
stood. Guys are very clear about that, what 
their emotional self tells them to do and 
what their dick tells them to do. Unfortu- 
nately, women equate emotion with a guy's 
dick. Men separate the emotion from the 
protruding staff of righteousness. 

I've fallen in love, by my definition. But 
every time I have that tingling sensation, 
which we're told by doctors is the first sign 
of a heart attack—I guess it is a heart at- 
tack of a different nature—I'm aware that 
my freedom is at stake. And then I fight 
like hell to keep control. It's not very ro- 
mantic, but it's truc. The most important 
thing in life is freedom. That word is worth 
dying for. The idea that relationships are 
based on the premise that somebody can 
ask you where you've been and who you've 
been with is hell, That ain't love. Other- 
wise, there’s no difference between you 
and your dog. People have made a hell out 
of love. There's no equity in love. You takes 
a girl and you takes your chances. And 
who says it's supposed to be forever? If the 
only thing you get out of life is one day of 
happiness with somebody you're con- 
cerned about or you care about, so what? 
That's one day of pleasure and happiness 
that you didnt have before. 


Hu. 


PLAYBOY: What are some of the original 
names for Kiss that never made it? 

SIMMONS: Two: Crimson Harpoon and 
Fuck. The idea was to get a rise out of peo- 
ple, ha-ha-ha. The main idea behind Kiss 
was to shock. So I thought it would be bril- 
liant if two kids were talking and one said, 
“Hey, man, where you going? Who's in 
town?" “Fuck.” “Yeah, let's go see Fuck.” It 
was the ultimate outrage, the ultimate way 
to completely separate yourself from 
church, state and Mom and Dad. But, obvi- 
ously, it had а down side. Here's where the 


Jewish part of me kicks in: It had some 
limited business potential. You couldn't say 
the name on radio, and so on. So it was ac- 
tually Paul Stanley, my partner, who was 
kidding around and was saying, “Hey, how 
about Kiss?” He was laughing about it. 
And everybody got quiet. We just sort of 
instantly knew. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: How important is being Jewish to 
you? 

simmons: Very important, though I don't 
think that the practice of the religion is im- 
portant. In Israel, religion takes a back 
seat to survival. There's a real difference 
between Israelis and American Jews. The 
latter strike me as being weak and spine- 
less; Israelis, because they have no choice, 
come off much closer to Puerto Ricans and 
the Mafia than to anybody else. You have 
to have that backbone or you're dead, it's 
over. Being Jewish really gives you a sense 
of identity more than anything else. To be 
Jewish is to have a sense that your mind is 
your strongest feature. And therein lies re- 
al power. It's books and learning. Jews have 
always been referred to as the people of 
the books, certainly not the people of bas- 
ketball or the people of boxing. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Do women belong in hard rock? 
simmons: Women haven't proved it. We're 
talking about music as in the word ugh. 
There's something about rock that implies 
hairy, stinking manhood. There have been 
a few all-women hard-rock bands: Fanny, 
Bertha, the Runaways. Wendy O. Williams, 
whom I produced, is about the closest any- 
body's come. She's 24 hours a day, but 
where's the female band? A Joan Jett or a 
Lita Ford—regardless of the fact that she 
plays guitar and tries to break up her voice 
like guys do—still has to play with guys. 
Women have to figure out for themselves 
what part of them is hairy and stinks. That 
will happen only when there are loads and 
loads of women playing together in bands. 
That doesn't mean they have to go up 
against guys. But women have to play with 
women. [Smiles] And that's my favorite tag 
line of all. 


м. 


PLAYBOY: A lot of surprising things get 
tossed on stage when you're playing. 
What's the most memorable item that has 
landed at your feet? 

sions: A baby. There was a girl in the 
front row—well, she didn't toss it 
climbed up a little bit onto the barricades, 
put this baby in front of my microphone 
stand and was screaming at me. Í thought 
she just wanted me to play at the kid. And 
she kept screaming, “It's yours, it's yours.” 
“That's memorable. 


15. 
PLAYBOY: You manage Liza Minnelli. That 


seems like an odd pairing. Explain the at- 
traction. 

simmons: There's nothing odd about my 
wanting to work with one of the two or 
three living divas in the world. Liza asked 
me to produce her, and I told her it would 
take years if we were really going to do it, 
but if she wanted me to, I was going to ar- 
range for her to have a modern musical ca- 
reer. 105 very difficult to get people to 
accept Liza, even though here's a person 
who's won Academy Awards, Emmys, 
‘Tonys, you name it. So I aim to change all 
that, and to that extent, I've signed her to 
Walter Yetnikoff's Epic Records, globally. 
And she's got about the best deal in the 
business. My job is to show people she’s not 
just Ethel Merman, that she can rock along 
with the best of 
them but in her way. 
All of that “Just go 
play Las Vegas” 
stuff was proved 
wrong when Cher 
did it all by herself. 
And not only can 
Liza do it but she 
can do it great. This 
is not a foray into 
the rock world of, 
say Led Zeppelin. 
But Liza will have 
competitive, mod- 
ern, hip records. 


16. 
rLaysor: Besides 
playing in Kiss, act- | 
ing and managing 
Liza, you've just 
started your own 
record label, Sim 
mons Records 
What are three oc- 
cupational hazards 
you'd warn young 
rockers to avoid be- 
fore they sign with 
you? 

SIMMONS: First, trust 
your gut, no matter. Ё 
what anybody says, 
no mater what 
Gene Simmons says 
If you believe in 
your project, you just have to go with it, be- 
cause that’s all you've got, your belief. A 
former manager once said to me, “This 
group you found, Van Halen, nah, no 
good, they'll never make it.” And these 
boys were signed to me exclusively in 1977. 
I took them into the studio, produced their 
demo. But 1 listened. I figured he knew 
something. I gave Van Halen back their 
contract. Second, lawyers and legal stuff. 
Get hip, get wise. When in France, learn 
French. When in the music business, learn 
legalese. Read your contracts. It will be 
profitable. Third, be healthy, be happy, but 
fuck every girl you can get your hands on. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: Make-up and men. Whats for 
show, what's for maintenance? How do you 
keep a good complexion? Hair tips? Com- 
plexion tips? Is it more fun doing it with or 
without ıhe make-up? 

SIMMONS: Unfortunately, the truth about 
hair is if its going to go, it's going to go, 
and thats life, And the only thing you can 
say about your lace is soap and warm wa- 
ter, that's it. And all the rest of t—creams 
and everything else—is really silly. [Paus- 
es] However, I do believe in placebos. If 
you believe that putting cream on your 
butt is what's going to make you more ap- 
pealing to somebody, then thats fine. 
Which is why I think religion—here's a 


То Senda git ot Amaretto di Sarenno Es) InB U.S call 1800243381 
РЕ, ee Q таео овгоо E Le NJ. hats rli om 
that. Once, somewhere in Indiana during 
a tour. a girl in her 20s walks up. Beautiful. 
We wound up swapping spit, or peeling the 
raisin, because the grape had already been 


nice segue—is also a harmless placebo, as 
long as there aren't devils like [Jimmy] 
Swaggart and everybody else stealing your 
money 

Doing it with or without the make-up de- 
pends on your partner. Because, like the 
tango, ittakes two. For me, it was like being 
in that TV show Beauty and the Beast, Lots 
of women—and I'm talking hundreds and 
hundreds—would call on the hotel house 
phone and say, “I want to come up; I'm 
downstairs.” Га say, “All right, we'll see.” 
And they'd say, “Please keep the make-up 
on, please fuck me with the boots on.” 
They wanted the fantasy of being raped by 
a beast or something. They wanted the 


blood smeared; they wanted it on the face. 
[Laughs] I obliged. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: If you could, what one thing 
would you change about women? 

stMMONS: I would give all women big fat ass- 
es. | want these derriéres to block out the 
sun and the stereo. Because vive la différ- 
ence, you know? I worship large butts and 
thick thighs. Just love them. There's noth- 
ing wrong with thin girls, but most women 
are really missing the boat. They're beauti- 
fully different from us. Their hips are 
much wider than ours, and the idea that 
women are trying to slim down and lose all 
that is totally unappealing to me. That 
doesn't mean that I wouldrit take advan- 
tage of a situation 
with a thin woman. 
That's different. Be- 
Cause. yes. girls. 
you're right. we are 
all dogs. Yet the 
classical concept of 
beauty in paintings 
is much more ap- 
pealing—big. hefty, 
large, beautiful 
women. No ribs 
sticking out. Thighs 
touching instead of 
being in different 
Zip Codes. I want a 
woman to be able to 
stand on а moun- 
taintop and have the 
wind whistle Dixie 
through her thighs 
[Whistle] Inciden- 
tally, breasts are 
nice, too, but they 
dont have to be 
huge. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: You briefly 
taught sixth grade at 
PS. 75 before start- 
ing Kiss. Have you 
since run into any of 
the kids from your 
class? 

SIMMONS: It's inter- 
esting that you ask 


peeled. And afterward, 1 explain, “Look, 
I've got to get to sleep. Thank you, you 
have to leav 
member me? I sat in the back row." She 
was one of the students. I guess she did her 
homework. [Pauses and laughs] 1 gave her 
a B-plus for the evening 


20. 


rıavsov: What will be your epitaph? 
SIMMONS: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? 


195 


PLAYBOY 


196 


CHANGING OF THE GUARD „ыл 


“I could spend hours slopping and sliding on the over- 
friendly breast and belly of Chloe.” 


all, in my psyche than my own poor ego. 
He had been my mentor, my godfather, my 
surrogate father and my boss. 1 was then 
37 and felt half that age in his presence. 
Cohabiting with his wife, I was like a her- 
mit crab just moved into a more impressive 
carapace, and waiting to be dislodged. 

Naturally, like any new lover in so dis- 
ruptive an affair, I did not ask for her mo- 
tive. It was enough that she had chosen me. 
But now, after 13 years with Kittredge, 11 
in marriage, I can give a reason. To be 
married to a good woman is to live with 
tender surprise. I love Kittredge for her 
beauty and—I will say it—her profundity. 
We know there is more depth to her 
thought than to mine. All the same, | am 
frequently disconcerted by some astonish- 
ing space in the fine workings of her mind. 
Attribute it to background. She has not 
had a career like other women. I do not 
know all so many Radcliffe graduates who 
have been high-echelon CIA. 

Item: On the night 13 years ago when 
we first made love, I performed that sim- 
ple act of homage with ones lips and 
tongue that 75 percent of all American col- 


lege graduates (or is it now 90 percent?) 
manage to offer in the course of a sexual 
act. Kittredge, feeling some wholly unac- 
customed set of sensations in the arch 
from thigh to thigh, said, “Oh. I didnt 
know one could do that!” She soon made a 
point of telling me I was the next thing to 
pagan perfection. “You're devil's heaven,” 
she said. (Give me Scotch blood every 
time!) She looked no older on our first 
night than 27 but had been married al- 
ready for 16 and a half of her 39 years. 
Hugh Montague was, she told me (and who 
could not believe her?), the only man she 
had ever known, and he was 18 years her 
senior. His accomplishments insulated him 
from her. He was very high echelon. He 
had worked with double and triple agents. 
His skill in life was to have a finer sense of 
his opponents’ lies than they could ever 
have of his. Since, by now, he trusted no 
опе, no one around him ever knew when 
he was telling the truth. Kittredge would 
complain to me in those bygone days that 
she couldn't say if he were a paragon of 
fidelity, a gorgon of infidelity or a closet 
pederast. I think she began hei affair with 


“On nights like this, you suddenly begin to savor 
the taste of real power.” 


me (if we are to choose the bad motive 
rather than the good) because she wanted 
to learn whether she could run an opera- 
tion under his nose and get away with it. 

Her good motive came later. She fell in 
love with me not so much because I saved 
her life as because I had been sensitive to 
the fatal desperation of her spirit. I am 
finally wise enough to know that that is 
enough for almost all of us. So our affair 
commenced again. But now we were in 
love. She was the kind of woman who could 
not conceive of continuing in such a state 
for long without marriage. Love was a 
grace to be protected by sacramental walls. 

She felt obliged, therefore, to tell him. 
We went to Hugh ‘Tremont Montague and 
he agreed to divorce. That may have been 
the poorest hour of my life. I was afraid of 
him. I had the well-founded dread one 
feels for a man who is probably able to ar- 
range for the termination of people he 
deems are mortally in error. Before the ac- 
cident, when he was tall and thin and 
seemed put together of the best tack and 
gear, he always carried himself as if he had 
sanction. Someone on high had done the 
anointing. 

Now, stove in at the waist so that he con- 
formed to the line of the wheelchair, he 
still had sanction. That, however, was 
hardly the worst of it. I was not only afraid 
of him but loved him. He had been my 
boss, yet also my master in the only spiritu- 
al art that American men and boys prac- 
tice dependably—we do not hope to peer 
into the pond of revelation so much as to 
pass through the iron gate of virility. He 
had been my guru in machismo. He gave 
life courses in grace under pressure. The 
interval that Kittredge and I spent togeth- 
er on either side of his wheelchair is an 
abrasion on the flesh of memory. I remem- 
ber that he cried before we were done. 

I could not believe it. Kittredge told me 
later it was the only time she ever saw him 
weep. Hugh's shoulders racked, his di- 
aphragm heaved, his spavined legs re- 
mained motionless. He was a cripple 
stripped down to his sorrow. I never lost 
that image. Abominable memories may be 
comparable to bruises, but since they are 
not visited on one’s skin but one’s psyche, 
they do not fade. They grow darker. We 
were sentenced to maintain a great love. 

Kittredge had faith. It was teleological. 
To believe in the existence of the absurd 
was, for her, a pure subscription to the 
Devil. We were here to be judged; such 
judgment was the foundation of order. So 
our marriage would be measured by the 
heights it could climb from the dungeon of 
its inception. I subscribe to her faith. For 
us, it was the only set of beliefs possible. 

How, then, could I spend hours slopping 
and sliding on the overfriendly breast and 
belly of Chloe? Her kisses were like taffy, 
soft and sticky, endlessly wet. From high 
school on, she had doubtless been making 


love with her mouth to both ends of her 
friends. Her groove was a marrow of good 
grease, her eyes luminous only when libidi- 
nal. So soon as we subsided for a bit, she 
would talk away in the merriest voice about 
whatever came into her head. Her talk was 
all of trailer homes (she lived in one), how 
ready they were to go up in flames, and of 
truckers with big rigs who ordered coffee 
while sitting on enough self-importance to 
run the Teamsters. She told anecdotes 
about old boyfriends she ran into at the 
drugstore. “Boy, I said to myself, has he 
been shoveling it in! Fat! Then, 1 had to 
ask myself: Chloe, is your butt that far be- 
hind? 1 put the blame on Bath. There's 
nothing to do here in winter except eat, 
and look for hungry guys like you," at 
which she gave a 
friendly clap to my 
buttocks as if we 
were playing on a 
team together—the 
old small-town sense 
that you heft a per- 
son's worth—and 
we were off again 
There was one 
yearning in my flesh 
(for the common 
people) that she 
kept at trigger trip. 
Skid and slide and 
singin unison, while 
the forest demons 
yowl. 

I had met her in 
the off season in 
the big restaurant 
where she worked. 
It was a quiet night, 
and I was not only 
alone at my table but 
the only diner in my 
section. She waited 
on me with a quiet 
friendliness which 
was much at home 
with the notion that 
a meal that tasted 
right for me was 
better wages for her 
than a meal that 
tasted wrong. Like 
other good materi- 
alistic people before her, she was also ma- 
ternalistic: She saw money as coming in all 
kinds of emotional flavors. It took happy 
money to buy a dependable appliance. 

When 1 ordered the shrimp cocktail, she 
shook her head. “You dont want the 
shrimp,” she said. “They've died and risen 
three times. Take the chowder.” I did. She 
guided me through the meal. She wanted 
my drinks to be right. She did it all with no 
great fuss—I was free to stay in my private 
thoughts, she in hers. We talked with what- 
ever surplus was in our moods. Perhaps 
one waitress in ten could enjoya lonely cus- 
tomer as much as Chloe. I realized after a 
while that on pickup acquaintance, which 
was never my style, | was surprisingly com- 


28% alcohol 


fortable with her. 

I stopped off again at the restaurant on 
another quiet night and she sat and had 
dessert and coffee with me. 1 learned of 
her life. She had two sons, 21 and 22; they 
dwelt in Manchester, New Hampshire, and 
worked in the mills. She was 39 (1 made 
her for 42) and she claimed to have had the 
first boy before she was 18. Her husband 
broke up with her five years ago. Caught 
her cheating. “He was right. I was a boozer 
then, and you can't trust a boozer. My heels 
were as round as roller skates" She 
laughed with great good humor, as if she 
were watching her own pornographic 
romp. “I didnt really care. I was bored stiff 
with the guy. In fact, 1 cut down drastically 
on the sauce once I got over the shock and 


ao di Saronno anywhere in the U.S. call 1-800-243-3787. 
Iyperted by The Paddington Corp. Fort Lee, NJ. Photo: Ken Nahoum. 


started to live alone." 

We went home together to her trailer. 1 
have an ability developed, I believe, by my 
profession. I can concentrate on what is be- 
fore me. Interoffice flaps, bureaucratic in- 
fringements, security leaks, even such 
assaults on the unconscious as my first 
infidelity to Kittredge, can be ignored. | 
have a personal instrument I think of as 
average, a good soldier no larger nor 
punier than the average man, a dick as 
vulnerable as any other. It throbs with en- 
couragement and droops with the oncom- 
ing of guilt. So it is tesumony to the power 
of my concentration and to Chloe's volup- 
tuous exposures (call it a crime against the 
public pleasure she has to wear clothes) 


that, considering the uniqueness and mag- 
nitude of my marital breach, there was on- 
ly a hint of sag from time to time in the 
good man below. 1 was starved, in truth, 
for what Chloe had to offer. 

Let me see if 1 can explain. Lovemaking 
with Kittredge was a sacrament. I do not 
feel at ease trying to speak of it. Whereas I 
can give all of it away in talking about the 
good cruise, Bang-Bang, with Chloe; a roll 
in the hay is, after all, a roll in the hay, and 
we were like kids in the barn; Chloe even 
smelled of earth and straw. But there was 
ceremony to embracing Kittredge. 

1 do not mean that we were solemn or 
measured. If it did not come to real desire, 
we might not make love for a month. When 
it happened, however, it certainly did; aft- 
er all our years to- 
gether, we still flew 
at each other. We 
were fiere. Kit- 
tredge, indeed, was 
as fierce as one of 
those wood animals 
with claws and sharp. 
teeth and fine fur 
that you can never 
quite tame. AL its 
worst, there were 
times when ] felt 
like a tomcat with a 
raccoon. My tongue 
(key to devil's heav- 
en) was rarely in 
the center of her 
thoughts—rather. 
our act was sub- 
servient to. coming 
together, cruelty to 
cruelty, love to 
love. Pd see God 
when the lightning 
flashed and we joh- 
ed our beleaguered 
souls into one an- 
other. Afterward 
was tenderness, and 
the sweetest domes- 
üc knowledge of 
how curious and 
wonderful we were 
for one another, but 
it was not in the least. 
like getting it on 
with Chloe. With Chloe, it was old valve 
seats unsticking, gaskets about to blow, get 
ready for the rush, get ready for the sale, 
whoo-ee, gushers, we'd hit oil together. Re- 
cuperating, it felt low-down and slimy and 
rich as the earth. You could grow flowers 
out of your ass. 

Driving that car, my heart in my teeth 
and the road ice in my ice-cold fingers, 1 
knew all over again what Chloe gave me. It 
was equality We had nothing in common 
but our equality. If they brought us up for 
judgment, we could go hand in hand, we 
were playmates. Our bodies were matched 
in depth to one another, and we felt the af- 
fection of carrots and peas in the same 
meat soup. 1 had never known a woman so 


PLAYBOY 


much my physical equal as Chloe. 
Whereas Kittredge was the former con- 
sort of a knight, now a crippled knight. 1 
felt like a squire in a medieval romance. 
My knight was away on crusades and so 1 
entertained his lady. We had found a way 
to pick the lock of her chastity belt, but 1 
was still her equerry and she remained my 
noblewoman. Í could not make love with- 
ош having to mount the steps. We might 
see lightning and stars, but our bedroom 
was her chamber. The walls were stone. 
Our ecstasy was as austere as the glow of 
phosphorescent lights in Maine waters. I 
did not see creation (and, sad truth, we 
were childless); rather, I had glimpses of 
the divine. ‘To know happiness with Kit- 
tredge was to be a stripling on the 
palimpsests of the heavens. With Chloe, 1 
felt like one more driver with a heavy rig. 
And, in truth, if Chloe had known my real 
line of work, it would have blasted her 
panties clear off her pubes. Forgive me. 
She was vulgarity itself, God bless her. And 
vulgarity is infectious. Maybe it is the cul- 
ture dish for all our other germs. 
Thoughts unrolled before me like 30- 
second, have-to-get-your-attention com- 
mercials. On a night of driving as terrible 
as this—with sleet on the cusp of freez- 
ing—there was no way to meditate for 
long, only in bursts. 1 saw suddenly that 
Chloe had the true shape of a wife (if we 
are to invoke archetypes) and Kittredge 
was still my far-off love. In each affair, 1 de- 
cided, there were elements unique to the 
two people and parts that were exchange- 
able with other relationships. A kiss could 
belong to one soul or bring back every 


mouth you had ever known. It lubricated a 
marriage, I now decided, if you had a wife 
who could allow you to live not only with 
herself but with ten other women she could 
remind you of. What was a sweet fucky 
marriage but the sublimation of orgies 
never undertaken? This was absent with 
Kittredge. 1 had been missing the promis- 
cuity of making love to one woman who 
could serve for many. 

Needless to say, this was not Kittredge’s 
view. Once, about a month after we were 
married, she said to me, “There's nothing 
I hate worse than the breaking of vows. I 
always feel asif the universe is held togeth- 
er by the few vows that are kept. Hugh was 
awful. You could never trust a word of his. 
I shouldn't tell you, darling, but when you 
and ] first began, it was such an achieve- 
ment for me. I suppose it was the bravest 
thing I'd ever done.” 

“Dont ever be that brave with me,” I 
said, and it was no threat. At the uneasy 
center of my voice, I was begging her. 

“I won't. I won't ever.” She would have 
had the clear blue eyes of an angel but for a 
touch of haze in the iris that gave her the 
expression of a philosopher who is forever 
trying to perceive objects at a great dis- 
tance. Thoughtful and a little misty was 
her look. “No,” she said, “let's make a 
pledge. Absolute honesty between us. No 
transgressions of our word. If either of us 
ever has anything to do with someone else, 
we must tell.” 


“I pledge,” 1 said. 


“The first bag is a gift. When they want more, they 
call our 800 number” 


SS 


(continued from page 181) 
around into something more fun but 
rather less comfortable. Is that Dick and liz 
over there, or Sly and Gitte? Did you say 
that singer who's on the balcony with An- 
other Woman was the Fifties’ Fronk Sinatra 
or the Eighties’ Bruce Springsteen, out for a 
romp with backup singer Patti Sciclfo—to 
the dismay of his 1985 bride, Julianne 
Phillips, who filed for divorce? Has Clark 
Gable come back as Kevin Costner? If gossip 
died with Hedda, Louella and Walter, who 
are Oprah, Phil and Geraldo? 

There's definitely something other- 
worldly about the engagement, off and on, 
of Brigitte Nielsen and N.Y. Jets defensive 
end Mark Gastineau. The pair met at 
the Super Bowl, fell madly in lust and 
broke up—but not before they'd had each 
other's names tattooed on their rear ends. 
Possibly realizing that this could limit their 
future love lives, they renewed the engage- 
ment pending Gastineau's divorce from his 
model wife, Lisa, who graciously comment- 
ed, “They're cut from the same mold, both 
publicity conscious. I can't see him with 
any person who has a past—and, God, she 
hasa past!” 

Сїше past, of course, includes several 
Playboy appearances, an ex-husband and a 
child in her native Denmark and a report- 
ed $6,000,000 settlement in her divorce 
last year from hubby number two, Sylvester 
Stallone. Not to be outdone in gracious- 
ness by Mrs. Gastineau, Stallone's mother, 
Jackie, observed, “Gitte is the poorest ex- 
ample of a female I've ever known.” 

Sly consoled himself for a while with 
Alana Hamilton Stewart, ex of George Hamil- 
tan and Rod Stewart, then took up with so- 
cialite Cornelia Guest. Lying under a tank 
during the shooting of Rambo 111, Stallone 
told how he psychs himself up for one 
more action shot: “I’m saying, ‘Come on, 
Sly, one more time. . . . That'll be the one. 
Hang on.” Presumably, he says much the 
same thing about his love life. 

Nielsen—who ended up with a tasteful 
engagement ring with diamonds in the 
shape of a nine to remind her of Mark’s 
jersey number, 99—wasn’t the only beauty 
to fall for a jock. Not since Jae DiMaggio 
wed Marilyn Monroe have so many celebrity 
athletes been romancing actresses, with 
similarly mixed success. Spirited Robin 
Givens, star of ABC's Head of the Class and 
frequent companion to such stars as Eddie 
Murphy, wed heavyweight champ Mike Tyson 
and the two of them almost went down for 
the count in the tabloids. Their courtship 
and marriage were marred by tales of al- 
leged fights with each other, and with fam- 
ily and business associates, culminating in 
the crash of his luxury car. Givens denied 
that they'd been fighting at the time of the 
wreck but concedes that Tyson was so dis- 
gusted that he gave the $180,000 auto to 
the police. Her wifely explanation: “It was 
just a man going, ‘Ugh! Forget it!” He didn't 
want to drive the car, you know, his 


Bentley, with a dent in 

‘Tyson's expensive sensitivities may have 
come from his business association with 
handsome zillionaire developer Donald 
Trump, who owns part of the boxer and a lot 
of everything else with his own beautiful 
blonde wife, мопо, herself a former cham- 
pion skier on the Czech Olympic team. 
Dubbed "Ivana-dis, Ivana-dat” by one 
New York columnist, the acquisitive Mrs. 
Trump has three houses and her own 
$2,000,000 helicopter, which she uses reg- 
ularly to commute to Atlantic City to over- 
see some of her husband’s many casino 
operations. Also a former model, the leggy 
Ivana seems to have an enviably perfect 
life—and knows it. 

“People get upset if you're really happy. 
And 1 think its 
upsetting to peo- 
ple that Donald 
and Í have it all: 
We're young, we're 
healthy, we love our 
work and we have a 
good marriage and 
children on top of 
that! People just 
can't stand that.” 

Happy, too, was 
Wayne Gretzky, eight 
times the National 
Hockey League's 
most valuable player 
with the Edmonton 
Oilers in his native 
Canada, who mar- 
ried lovely Holly- 
wood actress Janet 
Jones and naturally 
wanted to spend 
more time with 
her and their im- 
pending offspring. 
So Gretzky—like 
Gastineau. a num- 
ber 99—arranged 
to have himself 
traded to the L.A. 
Kings in a multimil- 
lion-dollar deal de- 
scribed by the sports 
press as a “Kings 
ransom.” 

Not so happy, 
however, was Boston Red Sox’ four-time 
American League batting champion Wade 
Boggs. He got a curve ball in court from 
California mortgage broker Morga Adoms, 
who said that Boggs—married and the fa- 
ther of ıwo—had broken a verbal agree- 
ment to pay her expenses to accompany 
him on road trips during a four-year love 
affair. Boggs denied Adams’ financial 
claims but acknowledged her companion- 
ship on the road and said he had apolo- 
gized to his wife. Adams added that she is 
hoping for a book deal. 

No doubt about it, women have a thing 
for ballplayers. Susan Sarendon showed that 
in the sleeper hit Bull Durham, playing a 
very sexy woman who picks one heavy hit- 


ter at a time. ("I am, within the framework 
of a baseball season, monogamous,” she 
explains in the film.) 

Sarandon has always had a fine sense of 
proportion. Back in 1981, after an appear- 
ance in Playboy's Grapevine feature, she ob- 
served, “Why not be the celebrity breasts? 
It's fabulous. There are so many great 
breasts around; it's nice to break through 
the ranks.” 

Her Bull Durham co-star Kevin Costner, 
who also reads Playboy, said he was a bit 
uneasy about his own body in the film's 
sexy love scenes. “I'm not the kind of guy 
who hangs out ata gym. You don't find me 
lifting weights. I know now why women get 
intimidated looking at Playboy, saying, 
“This is what а woman is supposed to look 


To senda gift of Amarat 
28% alcohol by volume [© 1987, I 


like, because 85 percent of us walking 
around don't have what you would call ex- 
treme definition." 

Speaking of extremes, Jamie Lee Curtis 
has now decided she doesn't want to show 
her body anymore after her sexually siz- 
zling role in A Fish Called Wanda. "When I 
was making horror films, the same body 
was there all the time. But it wasn't until E 
did the Dorothy Stratten TV film [Death of 
a Centerfold] that people thought, Holy 
shit, look at her body. Let's exploit that. 
Now, after Wanda, is going to get a lot 
harder to be taken seriously as an actress. 
105 like, ‘Oh, God, here we go again, with 
the scripts for sexually forthright women." 

Curtis refused a nude scene in her next 


film, Blue Steel, commenting, 
ter I play in the film has nothing to do v 
my body. Because my body is good, it has 
become a cause célebre, and now it would 
take away from any work I do. I showed my 
body for the right reasons at the right 
times and I'm not going to do it again." Not 
even if we beg? 

Even Michelle Pfeiffer, gorgeous star of 
The Witches of Eastwick and Married to the 
Mob, has been known to worry about her 
beauty. “I don't know that I've ever felt that 
1 was extraordinary-looking,” she told Pre- 
miere magazine. "In fact, I know that l'm 
not. If anything, I've always felt that 1 was 
conventionally pretty, which is an asset in 
some ways, and in some ways not. It’s a re- 
ally hard subject to talk about. You know, 
its like one of those 
things where you're 
fucked either way.” 

Although her ro- 
mance with D.O.A. 
co-star Dennis Quaid 
would seem to be 
testimony to the 
contrary, Meg Ryan 
also has self-doubts. 
"Im sexy some- 
times, but I'm never 
going to be a glam- 
or puss,” she told 
Playboy. “Үт com- 
fortable with people 
treating me like a 
goon.” 

Even more com- 
fortable, sexy So- 
топіћо Fox reported, 
- “People always ask 
me the same ques- 
tion: ‘Do you think 
your looks have 
helped you?" I al- 
ways say | dont 
think they've hin- 
dered [me] at all. If 
you look good, that 
means kids are go- 
ing to stick your pic- 
ture on the wall. 

Another ravish- 
ing singer Vonity, 
offered her own 
vigorous beauty 
hint: “I have a good complexion, partly be- 
cause I work at it. If anything is there that 
shouldn't be, I squeeze it out. I'm so com- 
plexion conscious that | go around squeez- 
ing the faces of my friends, 100.” 

Apparently, singers and actresses have а 
wide variety of ways to stay in shape. Belin- 
do Corlisle runs 25 miles a week, works out 
with a trainer, plays tennis, hikes and rides 
a mountain bike. Justine Bateman chai 
smokes, parties constantly and romances 
Leif Garrett incessantly. Hard to tell which 
lady looks better. 

Pretty Phoebe Legere seemed quite proud 
of her body in the June Playboy, telling 
Contributing Editor Bruce Williamsan, “Peo- 
ple get mad because 1 dont buy into the 


PLAYBOY 


patriarchal bullshit that the female body 
is disgusting. When one gazes apprecia- 
tively upon the female form, its a religious 
act.” But Légere backslid a bit in a later 
interview with Village Voice columnist 
Michael Musto, who said she had claimed, 
contrary to the obvious evidence, that the 
pix weren't even seminude and had com- 
mented, “I refused them about 200 times. 
I said, ‘Over my dead body. I'm a May- 
flowerdescendant anda Vassar graduate. " 

Towering over those who are still proud 
of their bodies is Greta Scacchi, whose tri- 
umph in White Mischief continued her tra- 
dition of taking off her clothes in nearly 
every film she has been in. And, fortunate- 
ly, even after winning an Oscar for Moon- 
struck, Cher refused to become sensitive 
about her revealing fashions. “I think that 
Ronald Reagan looks very smart in his suit, 
you know? And Jim Bakker looks really nice 
and clean in his suit, and I'm sure that 
Nixon looked real tight in Ais suit, and I'm 
much more trustworthy than any two of 


them with my belly button showing.” 

However, Cher was dressed quite som- 
berly in black pants, tunic and jacket when 
she appeared at a press conference with 
boyfriend Robert Comilletti after he was ar- 
rested and booked for investigation of 
felony assault with a deadly weapon (her 
Ferrari) of a photographer who was 
camped outside their Benedict Canyon 
home. Denying that her fella had deliber- 
ately tried to run down the paparazzo, 
Cher unloaded on the media. “I know that 
I have to give up lots of my rights, that 
people can write in a magazine that 1, you 
know, dont have my rib cage or that this is 
not my chin or these are not my cheeks. 
Pve been doing this for 25 years and so I’m 
pretty much used to having my private life 
destroyed and lies told about me.” (For 
more Cher—lots more—see this months 
Playboy Interview.) 

Overcoming the troubles her explicit 
layouts once cost her, deposed former Miss 
America Vanessa Williams staged a come- 
back as a singer, cracking the top five on 


“Camera four . . . where the hell are you?” 


the charts with her single The Right Stuff. 
Recounting her struggle to be taken seri- 
ously after her slide from grace, Williams 
noted, “I knew it was going to be hard, but 
I knew Га get there eventually. 1 don't like 
to be written off before being able to have a 
chance. I'm а fighter—I always try to 
prove that I've got what it takes.” 

Vanessa's old-fashioned spunk was in- 
spiring, providing a frequently encoun- 
tered clue to a new attitude. So many of 
our Sex Stars seem so—well—sensible. Not 
sensible, maybe, in the sense of good ox- 
ford shoes and a black canvas bumber- 
shoot. But a lot of the things they are 
saying—about the values of life, of home 
and family and hard work, of giving up 
the wild life in favor of cottages and Keogh 
plans—just make so much sense. 

Enjoying his multimillionaire status aft- 
er a string of superhits—Tep Gun, The 
Color of Money and Cocktail—plus his mar- 
riage to actress Mimi Rogers, Tam Cruise 
hopes his career will follow the steady path 
of his mentor, Paul Newman. “To be my age 
and to be this successful—I cant say I felt 
totally great about it in the beginning,” 
Cruise reflected. 

“Then I thought, Listen, this is where 1 
want to be. You see some people who 
destroy themselves because they become 
successful and feel guilty about acknowl- 
edging it—and then it goes away. However 
terrible it is, I'm enjoying myself.” 

Supersensible Vanna White continued to 
turn her Wheel of Fortune letters into a ca- 
reer, appearing in an NBC miniseries, 
Goddess of Love. But she showed no inter- 
est in helping the producers revive Gypsy 
Angels, a film she'd shot as an unknown six 
years earlier. That one isn’t quite in keep- 
ing with her image today as a goody- 
goody, though her shower scene is shown 
only in silhouette and reveals much less 
than her pre—Wheel of Fortune photos pub- 
lished by Playboy. 

Still sensibly stringing together a re- 
spectable list of film and TV credits, 
voluptuous Virginia Modsen garnered good 
reviews in Mr. North, but the film wasn't a 
blockbuster and she's still awaiting her big 
break. One fringe benefit she picked up 
in the process, however, was a romance 
with the pictures director, Danny Husten, 
son of the late, legendary John. 

When it comes to being sensible, a sense 
of humor helps. Still laughing after the 
breakup of his long marriage and a fling 
with “Crocodile” Dundee co-star Linda Ka- 
zlowski, Paul Hogan reported in the July 
Playboy Interview that he still doesn't think 
of himself as a sex symbol. 

“The idea of sex symbol has become so 
distorted, In Australia, it means the latest 
young star on The Young Doctors or some 
soap, and it’s almost a kiss of death. If 
some kid has got his TV work as а sex sym- 
bol, you know that within six months, he'll 
be unemployed. And that he has no sex ap- 
peal at all. . . . I'm just a short Clint East- 
waad with a sense of humor.” 

Equally bemused, Sonia Broge pondered, 


catch myself sometimes in big shirts, 
„ walking around the house with a 
coat over it, big T-shirts and the nose with 
the cold, also, the nose running, and I'm 
getting some coffee to drink, very sad, 
watching TV, reading a book—you know, 
thinking about someone who doesn't love 
me back—and then comes the newspaper, 
and it says, 'sos 

"You look at the paper and look at the 
mirror and think, "What are they talking 
about? Am I the sex symbol of Brazil?" 

Robert Redford, Braga's producer-direc- 
tor for The Milagro Beanfield War, certain- 
ly thought so, and photogs caught the two 
of them leaving his Manhattan apartment, 
fueling rumors of trouble at home with 
Lolo, his wife of 30 years. Asked about the 
rumors a month later at the Cannes Film 
Festival, Redford laughed, “бо its out," set- 
ting off a furor among those European pa- 
pers that took him seriously. 

Media mogul Ted Turner was less reticent 
about the split from his wife. “There was 
no way I could keep my wife and girlfriend 
happy at the same time. I know it's unfair, 
but you've got to roll with the punches.” 

Singer Lionel Richie was definitely rolling 
with the punches when his unhappy wife, 
Brenda, caught him at the Beverly Hills 
apartment of his 22-year-old girlfriend, 
Dione Alexander After what neighbors 
described as a noisy brawl—during which 
she kicked him in a particularly uncom- 
fortable spot—it took several policemen to 
pull the Mrs. off the mistress. 

Brenda was arrested on a long list of 
charges, including “corporal injury to a 
spouse,” who allegedly received a swift 
kick in “the groin area.” But Lionel doesn’t 
seem to be singing any higher. 

In the Old Hollywood, there was always 
a new wedding to balance each divorce. It's 
the same in the New Hollywood. Loni An- 
derson and Burt Reynolds, who have been 
dating since 1982 and living together for 
four years, finally tied the knot, as did 
Michael J. Fox and his former Family Ties 
co-star Trecy Pollon after 14 months of 
courtship. It's hard to say which couple 
had the bigger ceremony. More quietly, Tam 
Hanks was married for the second time, to 
actress Rita Wilson, 

Managing to keep their divorce plans 
and marriage neatly wrapped in the same 
package, Sean Penn and Madonna were rel- 
atively quiet this year, echoing complaints 
that the media make more of their spats 
than they do. In fact, Madonna said she 
has been misunderstood from the begin- 
ning. “I was surprised how people reacted 
to Like a Virgin, because when I did 
the song, to me, I was singing about how 
something made me feel a certain way— 
brand-new and fresh—and everyone else 
interpreted it as, ‘I don't want to be a vir- 
gin anymore. Fuck my brains ош?” 

But the unlikeliest bachelor of all to fall 
in 1988 was Playboy Editor and Pul 
Hugh Hefner After years of an inspir 
single life, Hef announced his engagement 
to January Playmate Kimberley Conrad. His 


conversion came after a messy episode that 
would warn any bachelor about the poten- 
tial dangers of cohabitation. Hefner was 
sued for $35,000,000 by Carrie Leigh, his 
live-in lady of more than four years. Her 
wild accusations and his countermoves— 
which resulted in a dismissal of her 
claims—were fully recounted in the Au- 
gust Playboy. All in all, it made marriage 
look good. 

Although she was unfairly drawn into 
the mess, Mansion house guest Jessica Hahn 
didn't let the dirt deter her from a good 
time. Still in demand to talk about her ex- 
periences with televangelist Jim Bakker, 
Hahn was a frequent TV guest and con- 
stant partygoer; she also discovered that 
she was being treated by the same plas- 
tic surgeon as Michael Jackson. 

Still single but with a new leading sing- 
ing lady, Cat, proud Prince posed naked for 
his album cover on Lovesexy, which he pro- 
moted with a wild concert tour that was 
half orgy, half spiritual camp meeting. 
The nonspiritual part had Prince singing 
Head as Cat simulated said act on a micro- 
phone wedged between his legs. 

Judging by her autobiography, I’m with 
the Band, former groupie Pomela Des Barres 


would once have been happy to do the real 
thing. Now she's too busy preparing a film 
of the book, which may star Ally Sheedy. 

On balance, though, no Sex Star this 
year measures up to the copiously canti- 
levered Jessica Rabbit. What better love 
coulda man have than a beautiful creature 
who will never change in any way? As 
she was drawn to our hearts in Who 
Framed Roger Rabbit, Jessica will always be 
with us, as loving and as lastingly perfect 
as Snow White. Besides, as one wag noted, 
she's the perfect mate: "She's loyal, she's 
got big tits and she has a steady job.” 

Ona metaphysical level, perhaps Jessica 
does have a rival. Although he claims he 
has been dating regularly, comedian Rich- 
ord Lewis says he has finally figured out 
who the woman of his dreams really is: 
himself. “I feel that the ideal woman is me 
in drag. I'm the only one I can get along 
with. If I could figure out how to marry 
myself, | would." 

If the idea catches on, it could easily 
cut a Sex Stars chronider's work in half. 
How simple it would be to track their ro- 
mances—Gitte with Gitte, Sly with Sly 
Cher and Cher alike 


“I don't care if you are wearing a condom. The 
answer is still no!” 


201 


A TASTE OF 


CLASS 


Of all the routes a serious actress might take to a career in Hollywood, Arkansas-born 


Tess Harper chose the most circuitous. Best known for her role in Tender Mercies, 
Harper, 36, who also co-stars in Criminal Law with Kevin Bacon and in 
Sam Shepard's Far North, attended Southwest Missouri State 
College, then spent eight years in Houston and Dallas, 

4 performing іп small dinncr- and chiklrens-theater рго- 
ductions. “Dinner theater is kind of like the Laverne 
and Shirley of theater,” she says. “It’s amazing to go out 
there and do a performance with people still chomping 


on their roast beef and clinking their glasses together.” 


Although ingly attractive, Harper is almost al- 
ways cast in meatier character roles. “I'm never go- 
ing to geta part where they put me in designer 
clothes,” she admits. “I want to have the 
respect of people in the business, but I dont 
care to be on the cover of National Enquirer.” 
Of course, “it is nice to get a decent table at 


a restaurant,” she says with a smile, 


— ROBERT CRANE 


he whole Hollywood star system—l love 

that,” soys octor Liam Neeson. “Over 

the past three years, I've thought, Yeah, | 

can do that. | wasn't ina 
position to pick and choose 
roles, but o body of work fell 
into my courl, so | get my 
passport stamped and I'm 
off” Neesor's off, all right, in a 
big way. He has already estab- 
lished himself with Suspect, for 
which he eorned raves os the 
homeless deaf-mute defended 
for murder by Cher, and Clint 
Eastwood's The Dead Pool. 


More recently, he scored as PLUCK OF THE IRISH 


Diane Keaton's uninhibited lov- 


champ and one os Irish champ. But Neeson, de- 
spite his imposing physical presence (he's “six- 
four ond a wee bit”), lacked the killer instinct and 
hung up his glaves in order ta 
attend the University of Bel- 
fast, where he studied physics. 
He switched to c school for 
teochers, then drifted through 
an assortment of odd jobs be- 
fore trying acting in 1976. Four 
years later, he made his screen 
debut in Excalibur and set his 
sights on Hollywood. Neeson 
has worked steadily in TV and 
films since then. Despite his 
bravado and good luck, he 
claims, “| always keep my psy- 

er in The Good Mother, and chological baggage sort of 

then joined Daryl Hannah and half-packed. Some mornings, 

Peter O'Toole in the comedic ghost story High Spirits. ls an you wake up and think, Gee, | look handsome today. Other 

enviable record for o 36-year-old who started out asa boxer days, you think, What am I doing in movies? | wanna go back 
202 in Ireland— including three years as Northern Irish amateur to Ireland and drive a forklift.” —ERICESTRIN 


H 
š 
š 
z 
É 


It was not as though the 
world had never heard of 
Tom Bodett before the 
no-frills motel chain 
Motel 6. After all, he'd $ 
been a commentator on 
National Public Radio's 
АП Things Considered 
and he'd written a couple 
of funny books. But he 
wasn't quite prepared for the reaction he's gotten from those 
homey little radio commercials, the ones that end with his 
saying, "We'll leave the light on for ya.” “Its been almost a 
little scary how that has spread my name around," Bodett 
says, in a voice that reminds one of porch swings and ham- 
mocks. Bodett, 33, has lived in Alaska for 13 years, building 
houses in Homer until a story he wrote for a local newspaper 
led to a stint on local radio and, finally, to NPR. Now, he is the 
star of his own syndicated radio show called The End of the 
Road. “Mostly, it's a lot of me telling stories,” he explains, 
plus musical guests and the chance to be famous in his own 
right. “Sometimes it gets a little hard to steer people back to 
the fact that I am, in fact, a writer. They think I'm the presi- 
dent of Motel 6,” he says. “Still, if that's the worst thing | 
have to complain about, | may as well shut up." —маттнем suri 


8 


о lar, it has not 


been easy to New AGE 

categorize € 

T e n i HILDS 

Childs. Her 
debut album, 
Union. has 
made her the 
darling of 
cutting- 
edge pop radio, 
as well as New Age sta- 
tions. Union has definite hints of 
Africa and the Caribbean. with backups 
by groups from Swaziland and Zambia, and 
Childs herselt dresses in bandannas, long muslin dress- 
es and exotic jewelry. Its world-pop music, and Childs, 30, at- 
tributes her outlook to travel. particularly a four-year period 
in London. "I was becoming disenchanted with America.” she 
explains. "When I went to England. | felt and saw why I was 
feeling that way But I also saw a lot of things thai made me 
love America.” Now back in Los Angeles, she tends her veg- 
etable garden, soaks in a hot tub kept on cooL and paints. “I 
can sing and I dont have to make records to do that. I can do 
other things and be happy but I love doing this” —GERRIE LIM 


TONY COSTA 


Fit and Fun 


Augie Niete was a 20-year-old fitness-club owner when he 
got his first look at a Lifecycle. This, he thought, is the future 
of aerobic exercise. He sold his club and bought Lifecycle's 
world-wide marketing rights. How did he fare? "Lost my 
ass,” he recalls, admitting that he sold only ten in nine 
months and lost $160,000. Ten years later, those same Life- 
cycles—computerized stationary bikes that vary pedaling 
difficulty and provide readouts on pace and calories 
burned—now flank one another on health-club floors like 
thoroughbreds at a starting gate (more than 100,000 have 
been sold), and the firm he heads, Life Fitness, has be- 
come the largest seller of computerized exercise equipment 
in the world. The marketing stroke that turned the tide was 
Nieto's. "We gave them away," he explains. “In a year, | was 
getting 25 orders a week." Nieto, 30, is a self-confessed bells- 
anda les man. His video bike of the future, a souped-up 
Lifecycle, will feature sound effects and a color monitor that 
displays the imaginary terrain the cyclist is riding. "To me, 

e has to be fun," Nieto says. "I need distractions, be- 
cause in itself, it's torture.” LEE GREEN 


PLAYBOY 


ROAD WARRIOR ¿wc from page 161) 


“At the bottom lay a Mitsubishi—or what was left of 


one. Fiberglass sections were strewn everywhere.” 


he woke up this morning. As usual, we 
slept on the ground in the compound 
where our cars were required to remain 
overnight. Our heads were adjacent to a 
chain-link fence, and our cars and me- 
chanics were no more than 25 feet away. 
Yet Alain's duffel bag, which he had placed 
under his head for safekeeping, was 
nowhere to be found. In the middle of the 
night, someone had actually lifted his 
head, substituted the duffel with a jacket 
and set his head down. 

Theft in our overnight camps is not un- 
usual. A few nights ago, several motorcycle 
riders lost their helmets and boots. A lot of 
racers prudently threw their wallets to the 
bottom of their sleeping bags, only to lose 
them to thieves who boldly cut the bags at 
the foot and reached in. 

It’s amazing that anyone in our camps 
sleeps long enough or soundly enough to 
get ripped off. Mechanics are usually 
working through the night, so there's the 
constant danging of parts and tools, the 
revving of engines, the incessant drone of 
generators. And theres no escaping the 
glare of floodlights. Even if things quiet 
down a bit, it’s just a matter of time before 
another support truck rumbles into the 
compound. 


JANUARY NINTH—ARLIT, NIGER 


I have just survived a day in which I casi- 
ly could have been killed. It left one racer 
dead and ancther paralyzed. Three or 
four motorcyclists broke their legs. 

Гус been out in the wilderness all over— 
snowmobiling in Colorado, biking, racing 
cars in Mexico—and I've never had the 
sort of ceric feeling I experienced today in 
Niger’s Tenéré Desert. 1 think it was the 
first time I'd ever been truly fearful. Oh, 
T've been scared for an instant before, but 
today’s fear was constant. When I started 
racing motorcycles in the Sixties, the thing 
that scared me the most was not the fear of 
injury but the fear of failure. I faced those 
same apprehensions going into this race, 
too, but at the age of 46, I sense my mortal- 
ity more than I used to—I have more of a 
sense of my limitations. And I have a wife 
and four kids to think about. So now І also 
fear injury. Not so much a broken leg or 
arm; those I could recover from. But a 
head or spinal injury really scares me. I 
stopped racing motorcycles seriously years 
ago because of that. Pd seen too many 
people paralyzed or brain-damaged. 

The problem today was depth percep- 
tion. Or any other sort of perception, for 
that matter. Í drove 370 miles before I saw 
anything. There were no people, no wells, 
no trees, no bushes, no roads, no signposts, 


204 по fences, no abandoned cars, no dilapi- 


dated shacks—nothing. There wasn't even 
a horizon. The Ténéré is a surrealistic 
place where the eye can't distinguish be- 
tween the white sand and the white sky. I 
couldn't tell if the terrain in front of me 
was uphill or downhill, smooth or rugged. 
It was like driving in a thick fog. I couldn't 
see the bumps; Га just feel the car jump. 
At 120 miles an hour, that’s a rather unset- 
ting sensation. I slowed to 80. We 
shouldnt be doing this, I told myself. This 
is stupid. Yet I didn't sense that Alain was 
uncomfortable in the least. He just kept 
опе eye on the route book, the other on the 
digital compass and calmly called out his 
conclusions: a little more right, a little 
more left, still more left. We sailed across 
the dunes like a cloudship. 

Suddenly, we were airborne. We proba- 
bly flew for only two or three seconds, but it 
seemed like a month and a half to me, be- 
cause I had no idea what sort of surface or 
gradient we were going to land on. Uphill? 
Downhill? A gaping hole? Anything too 
radical could easily result in a flip or a roll, 
which, given our speed, could have had 
unspeakable consequences. 

The answer came gently and was life- 
giving: a smooch landing, the downhill 
glide of the car conforming nearly perfect- 
ly to the downslope of the dune that re- 
ceived из. 

Enough. I cut our speed way down and 
made a 90-degree turn to the north, hop- 
ing to find someone else's tracks to follow. 
When its all solid white out there and 
there are no tracks, the whiteout is inten- 
sified. But as soon as there are tracks to 
concentrate on, you can kind of tell 
whether the terrain is going up or down or 
whatever's happening with it. 

Alain wasn’t happy with my decision. 
“It's gonna cost us too much time,” he said. 
It didn’t seem to occur to him that a little 
too much recklessness in this dune field 
could cost a man all his time. 

Presently, we came upon some fresh 
tracks. I altered our course to follow them. 

Car tracks in sand tell me what's hap- 
pening ahead. When the car ahead slows 
down or brakes suddenly, the tracks widen, 
because the vehicle is no longer planing on 
the surface. 

The tracks guided me for about 60 miles 
and then suddenly widened. 1 slammed on 
my brakes. The Range Rover’s tires bit into 
the sand and we skidded to the brink of a 
plummet, a sharp dune drop-off of 30 or 
40 feet. At the bottom lay a Mitsubishi—or 
what was left of one—that obviously had 
descended the grade in violent fashion. 
Fiberglass sections were strewn every- 
where. In contrast to their car, the driver 
and his navigator appeared to be all right, 


so I kept moving to avoid getting stuck. 

In Arlit tonight, we learned that one of 
those monster DAF trucks had flipped 
overand ejected the navigator through the 
windshield with his seat and seat belt still 
strapped to him. DAF management's re- 
sponse to its colleagues death was to pull 
its other entries from the race. Sudden, un- 
expected death always brings with ita flash 
of perspective. For now, spending all this 
money so we can tear across the sand 
dunes in these expensive cars seems ab- 
surd. 


JANUARY II—AGADEZ, NIGER 


A layover day among the Taureg tribes- 
people in this distinctly African city, whose 
mostly dirt streets wind among mud-and- 
stone structures and whose black denizens 
are robed and ornamented in silver jewel- 
ry. Agadez embraces the rally with open 
arms. I'm told that half of the city's annual 
income is derived from the rally's brief 
stop, which makes me wonder what the 
place is like the 363 other days of the year. 

We have gone nearly 4000 miles— 
halfway—since New Year's Day, hence the 
scheduled day of much-needed rest. A 
swirl of press and TV crews has flown in 
from France. I'm running seventh overall. 
Most of the reporters tell me they are sur- 
prised to scc that I'm still running at all. 


JANUARY 12—NIAMEY, NIGER 


Our team is staying in a hotel in this cos- 
mopolitan city on the Niger River, and I’ve 
just enjoyed the pleasure vf a hut sliuwci, 
only my second during these 12 days of 
Mad Hatter scurrying. I continue to hold 
оп to seventh place overall. My sole rc- 
maining teammate, Patrick Tambay, is 
ting 12th, about two hours behind me in 
cumulative time. Inasmuch as I'm five 
hours and 48 minutes behind Vatanen, 
who is still wearing everyone out with his 
pace-setting Peugeot, my competitive gaze 
is quite naturally shifting to the factory- 
Mitsubishi team. The Peugeots are really 
out of our league, but the Mitsubishi team 
is quite comparable to ours, by any meas- 
ure—drivers, cars, monetary investment, 
preparation. Vatanen's Peugeot teammate, 
Finnish countryman and World Rally 
champion Juha Kankkunen, is in second, 
an hour behind Vatanen, but the four oth- 
er cars ahead of me are Mitsubishis. I don’t 
have much of a chance of catching the Peu- 
geots, unless they have serious mechanical 
ог navigational problems, but at least two 
of the Mitsubishis are within my reach. 
Plus, I'd like to crack the top five. 


JANUARY M—TESSALIT. MALI 


One of the difficulties of this race is the 
unusual character of the Sahara sand. It's 
soft and fine-grained, almost like talcum 
powder in some places. You'll be driving 
along in fairly hard stuff, and suddenly, 
you'll hit a pocket of powder and the car 
will just stop and bury itself. You never 
want to stop intentionally, because you may 
not be able to get going again. At check 


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WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE BEEFEATER? 


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points, instead of stopping, drivers gear 
down and just keep rolling. The navigator 
holds the daily timecard out for the check- 
point official, who runs alongside and tries 
to stamp it. If he misses, you have to circle 
around and make another pass. À lot of 
times, there'll be three or four cars 
circling, and another two or three stuck. 

Another of this races formidable 
difficulties is finding your way. The organ- 
izers make it difficult on purpose, but I 
think they went a little bit overboard today. 
First, they had us searching for a nonexist- 
ent check point near the Algerian border. 
"Then the route book advised us to take the 
second road to the right as we passed 
through a remote village, when, in fact, we 
should have taken the third road to the 
right. The guy who made the route-book 
instructions either had a perverse sense of 
humor or spent hours lost in the Sahara 
and perhaps never made it to Dakar. He'd 
better not be in Dakar when this race ends, 
because | know a lot of navigators and 
drivers who would like to get their hands 
on him. Tambay, for one, who ended up in 
the wrong country today and eventually 
hired a camel herdsman to sit on his navi- 
gator's lap and guide him back to Mali. 

Navigating in this race isn't сазу. We're 
flying along, bumping and turning 
sharply, and poor Alain is trying to look at 
the route book, look at the odometer, look 
at the compass and communicate instruc- 
tions to me. Its not an enviable job, 
tougher than the driving, I think, because 
the driving comes by instinct. 

One of the Mitsubishis was lost for more 
than three hours today, so even though 
Alain and I were lost for more than an 
hour ourselves, we managed to move up to 
sixth place. 


JANUARY 15—GARA JAKANIA, MALI 


Earlier in the race, after hearing me 
grumble about lousy directions in the 
route book, Jacky Ickx, the Belgian driver, 
said to me in a very stern tone, “If every- 
one got lost, you could blame the route 
book. If only some of you got lost, it was 
your own fault.” That makes sense. On the 
other hand, once a few front runners take 
the wrong line, it screws up the entire race, 
because everybody follows them. If the 
route book says to take the left fork but all 
the tracks seem to indicate that just about 
everyone ahead of you has opted for the 
right fork, it’s damn hard to ignore the 
tracks, Especially when the route book has 
been such an unfaithful guide. All the 
Paris-Dakar veterans are saying that the 
route book is usually vastly superior to 
the one we've been saddled with this year. 

That wasn't much consolation to Alain 
and me during today’s 433-mile race, as we 
caromed around the futile end of а box 
canyon after arguing about which way 
to go at one of those forks. It was consol- 
ing, however, to note that virtually all of 
the other leaders except Tambay were bot- 


ded up in the same canyon, swarming 
around like angry honeybees. Vatanen and 
Kankkunen had topographic maps spread 
out on the hoods of their Peugeots 
and were hunched over them like con- 
fused vacationers, a summit meeting that 
quickly drew a crowd and sparked debates 
in three languages. The canyon scemed to 
offer no escape except via the route by 
which we had entered. Alain and 1 headed 
back toward the spot 20 miles distant 
where we had taken the wrong turn. We 
were not happy campers. 

Managing to stay clear of the box- 
canyon debacle, Tambay beat the field by 
almost an hour and catapulted from 12th 
place to sixth, while I fell two places to 
eighth. Vatanen and Kankkunen are still 
one-two, even though they, like me, squan- 
dered two and a half hours today. 


JANUARY I6—TIMBUKTU, MALL 


The organizers arranged for locals from 
Timbuktu to truck gas up to us in the des- 
olation of Gara Jakania last night. The or- 
ganizers did not, however, arrange for the 
locals to charge us a reasonable price. The 
option was pay or stay. We paid $1900 to fill 
our car, a modest $18 per gallon. 

Here in Timbuktu, Alain introduced 
me to a Belgian friend of his who had 
raced Paris—Dakar two or three times on a 
motorcycle. A couple of years ago, his mo- 
torcycle broke down here. He met a black 
woman, fell in love, married and is now 
raising a family here. 


JANUARY Ii—BAMAKO, MALI 


Tambay won the 234-mile race out of 
Timbuktu—he has now won two of the 
past three stages—and I was third, so it 
was a good day for Camel Range Rover. 
Andrew Cowan, who has probably won 
more long-distance off-road races than 
anyone else in the world and was fifth over- 
all entering today's stage, blew the engine 
on his Mitsubishi. I've enjoyed the affable 
Scotsman’s humor and hate to see him go, 
but at least there’s now one less Mitsubishi 
“Tambay and I have to contend with. We're 
sitting fourth and fifth, respectively, with 
only the Peugeots and one Mitsubishi 
ahead of us. 


JANUARY I8—KAYES, MALI 


Somebody strolled into the car com- 
pound just before dawn today and drove 
off in Vatanens Peugeot 405. Somebody 
drives off in his Peugeot 405 every morn- 
ing, but usually, it's Vatanen. This time, it 
was someone with a business proposition, 
conveyed by phone, for Peugeot team man- 
ager Jean Todt: If Todt wished to reclaim 
his front runners car, he should start 
raising capital, because it would cost him 
500,000 French francs—almost 100,000 
US. dollars. Todt assumed he was the vic- 
tim of a joke until he checked the com- 


pound and found daylight where Vatanen's 
car used to be. The Peugeot manager had 
prepared himself for a variety of problems 
in the Paris-Dakar, but this wasn't one. 

As it happened, Todt's immediate prob- 
lem was short-lived. It seems that the thief 
was ignorant in the ways of race cars and 
didn’t know how to open the main fuel- 
tank feeds. The car was soon found not far 
from where it had been stolen. 

Now the Peugeot team has another 
problem, and no small one at that. By the 
time the missing car was located and re- 
covered, Vatanen had missed his start time 
for today’s race to Kayes, 316 miles of nar- 
row, winding roads, ruts, washouts, river 
fordings and dense jungle vegetation—a 
thoroughly delightful little motor tour of 
western Mali. The organizers allowed him 
to race the stage late and, for now, he is still 
the event leader, but apparently, the Peu- 
geot driver may be disqualified. I, for one, 
would hate to see a participant who has 
held the over-all lead in this rally the entire 
way—all 15 days since the opening racing 
section in Algeria—disqualified because 
someone stole his car. The word here is 
that the Paris-Dakar organizers want to 
let Vatanen continue, but, as the European 
press speculated, FISA (Federation Inter- 
nationale du Sport Automobile) president 
Jean-Marie Balestre, still brooding over an 
old legal battle FISA lost to Peugeot, wants 
him out. 


JANUARY 19—MOUDIÉRIA. MAURITANIA, 


Vatanen has officially been disqualified, 
but Peugeot has lodged a protest and asked 
that the Finn be allowed to continue until a 
final ruling has been made. The organiz- 
ers have agreed to that. 

There were no roads where we crossed 
the Mali-Mauritania border this morning, 
just washes, footpaths, horse and cattle 
trails—those sorts of things. It was a splen- 
did place to get lost, and we did. 

The rally is down to its last three days, 
and although we still have 827 miles to cov- 
er, only 371 of them axe in race sections. 
The Camel Range Rover strategy at this 
juncture, as decreed by our team manager 
this evening, is to drive conservatively and 
make sure both of our cars get to Dakar. 
We're not going to catch the three cars in 
front of us, anyway, unless they have trou- 
ble, and going fast won't make them have 
trouble any sooner. With seven support 
trucks, an observation plane, 62 mechan- 
ics and enough spare parts to rebuild a 
car from scratch, how much trouble can 
Peugeot have? 


JANUARY 2) —RICHARD-TOLL, SENEGAL 


Yesterday, the enure rally was swallowed 
up in a sandstorm. We were stuck in a 
bunch of dune canyons in the Mauritanian 
desert, everybody driving every which way, 
trying to find a way out. It's a wonder we 
didn't have some head-on collisions. Final- 
ly, the race stage was canceled and a local 


207 


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camel herder was helicoptered in to lead 
us out. However, we ran out of daylight 
and ended up on an impromptu bivouac, 
everyone sharing what water and food he 
had, We start out ina race and end up on a 
picnic. 

The camel herder led us out this morn- 
ing, but every few miles he became disori- 
ented and it took more money to clear his 
mind 

Vatanen was part of our sandstorm folly, 
but he is no longer part of the race. His dis- 
qualification stands and he won't be al. 
lowed to make the final glorious run into 
Dakar tomorrow. 1 feel for the guy. He won 
this rally and everyone here knows it, in 
cluding Kankkunen, who seems a little 
sheepish about accepting the victory 


JANUARY 9 


Dakar at last. This is a classy uptown 
coastal resort, big city all the way, an ap- 
parition after all the mud huts I’ve seen in 
the past three weeks. This is a city a lot of 
Americans would like. Find a different way 
to get here, though. Maybe it’s just me, but 
the route I took seemed indirect 

Of the 603 of us who took that route, on- 
ly 151 made it all the way. For the leaders, 
today's race—50 miles along the beach— 
was pretty much just a formality, since no 
one could possibly make up enough time to. 
move up a spot. With Vatanens banish- 
ment, Tambay was third and I finished 
fourth, five hours and 52 minutes off of 
Kankkunens winning pace. I figure that 
Alain and 1 were lost a total of six hours 
and drove at least 200 unnecessary miles, 
but what the heck. People do that in a sin- 
gle weekend in L.A. 

For all the personal satisfaction I'm feel- 
ing and the carnival mood that embraces 
this city, like so many others associated 
with the Paris-Dakar, I can't help but be 
affected by the sorrows this race has 
wrought. Yesterday, a car being used by a 
film crew hita mother and child and killed 
them both. Earlier, in a village in Mali, a 
ten-year-old girl who was watching the 
race was struck and killed. Other accidents 
killed three competitors and left two para- 
lyzed. Fifty more were injured. In ten 
years of Paris-Dakar, there have been 26 
deaths. Obviously, the tragedy here is not 
that Ari Vatancn's victory was stolen. 

It’s going to be hard to go back to reality. 
The race is 50 long, it’s like a war: You go 
out every day to do battle; you have a pur- 
pose, a direction, a specific goal that must 
be accomplished. That sort of focused ef- 
fort can be intoxicating. 

At the same time, there's no getting 
around the onslaught of discomforts and 
unpleasantries this race inflicts. You're hot, 
you're cold, you're thirsty, you're lost. You 
sleep on the ground nearly every night, 
surrounded by a mechanical cacophony. 
You're gritty and dirty with no shower in 
sight, and you're eating dinner out of a 


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CRACK 
(continued from page 110) 
patch of ground, and I wondered how fast 
the hope in a little girl would dissolve in 
the life she had to live. 
. 

A chunk of crack, smoked in a glass 
pipe, lasts only ten minutes and needs to 
be relighted constantly, which prompts 
people to walk around with big butane 
lighters. But inhaling purified crack gets it 
into the blood stream in under ten sec- 
опа, and the first rush is an earthquake. 

Most street people say that crack began 
directly after Richard Pryor set himself 
afire while free-basing cocaine Then 
somebody—probably on the West Coast— 
found a way to take the fire out of free- 
basing and developed crack. 

The name comes from the crackling 
sound that occurs when it is being made or 
from its resemblance to the plaster cracks 
in the walls of the broken and hopeless 
neighborhoods of the country. 

In places of no hope, people act hope- 
lessly. "Why do you take crack?” I asked my 
good friend Precious one day. 

“Why not?” she said. 

She was on Pacific Street. taking the 
""ho' stroll,” as she calls it. She was going to 
sell herself to as many men as she could. 
She has four children, and the last time she 
delivered, she left the baby with a girl- 
friend and went out on the street and was 
arrested for prostitution. It is all on paper: 
date of birth, of arrest, criminal-ronrt-case 
number. It is the North American record 
for sex, postbirth. Winner is Precious from 
Brooklyn, age 24. Official time: eight days 
from delivery room to getting into cars on 
Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn. 

At first, Government agencies were say- 
ing that because there are no needles in- 
volved in crack, it attracts heroin users, 
and that cuts down on the spread of AIDS. 
In real life, there are so many out selling 
bodies for crack, from the age of 19 and 
up, that AIDS must increase. 

There was a man on Inwood Street in 
South Jamaica, a section of old frame 
houses, who complained that kids were 
selling crack on the street in front of his 
house. The man's name was Arjune and he 
became a grand-jury witness, and the 
crack dealer he complained about, a veter- 
an named Mutstafa, who was all of 26, 
ordered men to throw fire bombs at his 
house. Police assigned a car to stay in front 
of the house. For the 12-rm-to-eight-An 
shift one Friday morning, they assigned 
Officer Edward Byrne, age 22, son of a re- 
tired police lieutenant, a handsome young 
Irish kid who had grown up in the suburbs 
and returned to the job of his family, to the 
tradition of the police department of the 
city of New York. 

But life had changed. He was in South 
Jamaica in the age of crack. And on this 
cold night, he sat in the car alone, with the 
windows rolled up and the heater on; he 
sat bored and read the newspaper. And at 


3:30 a.m, a car pulled up on the dark street 
behind the patrol car and two young guys 
got out. One was Todd Scott, 19, and the 
other was Scott Cobb, 24. Police charges 
say that Cobb made a noise on the passen- 
рег side and Byrne looked over. Todd 
Scott stepped up to the driver’s window 
and blew Byrne's head off. 

It snowed the next day, and I stood with 
a woman and her son, who was about 95, 
next to a two-story frame house at the cor- 
ner and looked at the crowd of police— 
holding carbines and shotguns—that was 
down the block at the murder scene. The 
woman shook her head. "I was asleep. 1 
sure heard nothing." 

She and her son walked around the cor- 
ner to the front of the house. I stayed on 
the side and looked up. Two young kids in 
white T-shirts appeared at the windows. 1 
motioned to them. One of them pushed 
the window up. 

"Did you scc anything last night?" 

The one kid said, “I'm only nine.” 

The second said, “I be 12. I saw. I goin’ 
to the bathroom when there was bullet 
shots.” 

“How many people did you see?” 

“Four. Two in the street and two in the 

“What color car?” 

“Rusty.” 

Suddenly, the woman came around from 
the front of the house and screamed, “Get 
back!” The kids disappeared. “What did 
they tell you?” she demanded. 

“That they saw four guys.” 

She closed her eyes. "Now I'm goin’ have 
tomove.” 

“You can shut me up easy,” I said. “But 
then you'll have detectives around here 
and they'll probably hear the same thing.” 

“I’m moving today” the woman said. 
“These people kill my kids." 

"Now, wait. For sure, the police will get 
the ones who did it." 

She shook her head. “Don't matter. The 
others kill my kids." 

Her kid sure had seen the thing. There 
werc four involved in the assassination of a 
cop, and they drove a rust-colored car. Afi- 
er the shooting, with proper imagination, 
like that of a bear that doesnt know what it 
wants to do from one moment to the next, 
they drove back to the housing project 
where they lived, only ten blocks away, and 
there, the next morning, sold crack out of 
the doorways as usual 

Later that day the four heard that some- 
body had given the police their names, and 
they went on the run, all the way out to 
209th Street, nearly two miles away They 
took girls with them for a crack party Six 
days later, they were grabbed by police, 
and that very day, new young faces were 
out selling crack on the same streets. 

When I went back to the two-story house 


NAGEL 


THE PLAYBOY PORTFOLIO 


— 
ОСТОВЕН 1982 


A TRIBUTE TO PATRICK 
NAGEL, WHOSE PAINTINGS 
GRACED THE PAGES OF 
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE FOR 
MORE THAN TEN YEARS. 
RARELY HAS AN ARTIST AT- 
TAINED SUCH POPULARITY 
AND HELPED DEFINE THE 
STYLE OF A DECADE. 


IT IS WITH great pleasure that 
Playboy magazine and Jen- 
nifer Nagel Dumas, in asso- 
ciation with the publisher Mirage Editions, Inc., 
announce the release of the first "Nagel—The 
Playboy Portfolio,’ a beautifully boxed collection 
of four hand-silk-screened prints that appeared 
on the pages of Playboy magazine. 

_ The four 20" x 16” prints selected are the 
quintessential examples of Nagels full-figured 
paintings never before published as graphics. 
Each of the serigraphs will be numbered and 
signed by Jennifer Nagel Dumas, Nagel's wife. 
Since there will be only 1250 of the portfolios, and 
Playboy's allotment is limited, we recommend 
that all collectors who would cherish this unique 


JANUARY 1985 | 


APRIL 1982 


\ 


d 
. 


JANUARY 1985 1! 


portfolio respond as quickly 
as possible. 

Here again, for every- 
one's enjoyment, we pre- 
sent a pictorial encore of 
Nagels images that first 
captivated our imagination. 
"Nagel—The Playboy Port- 
folio” will be a welcome and 
lasting tribute to a great art- 
ist and friend. 


To order, please complete information requested and include 

payment of $750, plus $25 for shipping and insurance. Make your 

| check payable to Mirage Editions, Inc. (California residents, add 

six and a half percent sales tax) Call 213-450-1129 (extension 

711) or send to: The Playboy Portfolio, c/o Mirage Editions, Inc., 
Department PF, 1658 Tenth Street, Santa Monica, California | 
90404. | 


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| Address 
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time, all payments for orders above and beyond Playboy's allot- 
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n O on; 


PLAYBOY 


212 


on the corner, a man told me that the wom- 
an with the kids had moved away 

“She didnt leave an address with me,” he 
said. 


. 

I was in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, when 
they brought the aircraft carrier John E 
Kennedy in from the high seas, the suspi- 
cion hereis, to scare the local drug dealers. 
People stood on the pier and looked up at 
the ten-story-high gray vessel. Jutting out 
from the flight deck were the aircraft that 
carry nuclear weapons many hundreds of 
miles. 

Only one person on the pier knew 
enough to look down. His name was Reed 
and he had just driven me down from 
Lauderhill, which is where a lot of drug 
peddlers live. 

Reed pointed to a canal that was filled 
with small boats. “All we be needin’ is an 
car.” 

He began to snicker at the aircraft carri- 
er and his snicker became a laugh and the 
laugh covered all of it—this huge, mad na- 
tion with a skinny woman with her large- 
looking head smiling on television, saying, 
“Just say no,” and the blacks smoking 
crack and waving at her on T V; this nation 
that tries to blame all drugs on a general in 
Panama, when you can look at the sea and 
the sky and the dusty land along the bor- 
der in the South and know that the drugs 
come from everywhere and cannot be 
stopped, because the people in the cities 
want them. 

The first word in any economics text- 
book is consumer, and all of his demands 
are always supplied. By Bolivia, where 
skinny men called cepas, after the leaf-cut- 
ting ants, are in an endless file, carrying 
100 pounds of coca-shrub leaves on their 
backs up and down mountains to a town 
where the leaves are turned into coca 
paste. Botanists find towns in the Amazon 
valley, towns hundreds of miles apart, 
where a low-altitude coca shrub we have 
never heard of grows. Forget the Andes; 


watch the valleys this year. 

To stop cocaine, you might start by elim- 
inating one of the continents of the world. 

On the weekend after watching the drug 
dealers in their cars in Adantic City, I sat 
over coffee in Washington, D.C., and read 
in the paper that the police in East Palo Al- 
to, California, were stunned by the first 
killing of a cop in the town's history. A 
crack dealer did it. In Washington, a man 
who owned four astonishing cars and his 
19-year-old girlfriend were executed in an 
apartment. The police said that the deaths 
might have been drug-related, which is 
like saying that a death at Gettysburg 
might have been battle-related. 

Of course, crack can be stopped by the 
words that make everybody so unhappy: 
day care, education and jobs with hope. 
But good, thoughtful white people wonder 
if it is worth fighting any more. As long as 
it is all black, then legalize it. But even the 
smallest fire department knows that if you 
let a building—even the most despised, 
ramshackle building—on a crowded street 
burn away so many flames will be sent into 
the sky that something may start skipping 
through the air and ignite everything it 
touches. 


. 

Each day, for so many young blacks, the 
choice is a job at McDonald's, at minimum 
wage and with no chance of ever getting 
higher, or a job in the crack trade that 
gives you new clothes and maybe a Jaguar. 

“I got the pertect job. Me and my girl 
are workin’ together,” a guy named Curtis 
was saying one day. 

“What at?” I asked him. 

“Love factory” he said. “We make the 
love drug. Crack. The more you take it, the 
more you want it.” 

He made a fist and shoved it between the 
waistband of his jeans and his flat stomach. 

“Got my waist down to 26 inches, I used 
to have a 32-inch waist. Half my clothes I 
can't wear." 

“What kind of a diet?" I asked him. 


"Smokin: You don't have to ask anybody 
to know. You just have to look at the jaws.” 

He rubbed his jaw, which had skin 
stretched over it. “Losin’ weight is the only 
thing Í ever heard of happenin’ to you 
from crack. You walk down the streets, 
they say to you, ‘Oh, you're going to Jack 
La Lannes. Losin’ weight, that’s all that 
happens.” 

“What about this guy Lenny Bias, 
dropped dead of it?” 

“He must of got some bad crack, that’s 
all. We make good crack in my factory. My 
ride is going to be a BMW.” 

Now, I know that Curtis finished three 
years of Hillcrest High School and might 
have taken a science course. But 1 also 
know that his girlfriend, Iris, turns the 
faucet the wrong way. Their crack factory 
consisted of a room in the Lincoln Motor 
Inn, a converted girdle plant that is now a 
welfare hotel on Van Wyck Expressway, a 
couple of miles short of Kennedy airport. 
In the room, Curtis and Iris sat with a 
blowtorch, glass boules and water. When 
one of the bosses appeared with a bag of 
cocaine, Curtis and his girlfriend dropped 
the cocaine and baking soda into the wa- 
ter, then hit the bottle with the blowtorch. 
The cocaine powder boiled down to its oily 
base. The baking soda soaked up the im- 
purities in the cocaine. When cold water 
was added to the bottle, the cocaine base 
hardened into white balls. Curtis and Iris 
spooned them out, placed them on a table 
covered with paper and began to measure 
the hard white cocaine with sleepy eyes— 
they worked round the clock and smoked 
crack to keep their energy high—and 
chipped it into chunks about as big as a 
thumbnail, which were put into small glass 
vials, of the sort in which sequins are 
stored, and rubber caps were stuffed into 
them. Every now and then, one of the boss- 
es pounded on the door and Curtis hand- 
ed him the vials. Each time, before the guy 
left, Curtis asked him, "When I be gettin’ 
the chance to get out and make some mon- 
ey sellin' 

А crack-factory worker was paid $600 a 
week and Curtis heard he could make him- 
self almost $1000 out peddling. For 
months, each time he asked, the boss only 
grunted and left to distribute the vials to 
street peddlers, who, at the time, sold them 
for ten dollars each. Then, one day, the 
cops made a couple of quick arrests out on 
the strects, for the trade was too brazen 
even for them, and the boss appeared at 
the motel door with two geniuses from a 
gas station. 

“Show them what you do and then get 
down to the street in a hurry” the boss 
said. 

Some hours later, Curtis and Iris were 
ош selling. They wore space helmets with 
walkie-talkie wires attached—"NASA 
sets." Curtis stood inside an old garage 
with 40 crack vials and Iris stayed outside 
on the street, hustling customers and 
telling Curtis over the headset when a guy 
was going in. They started early in the 


morning—crack is the first before-noon 
drug besides alcohol—and by midafter- 
noon, the boss would come pulling up in 
his car and hurriedly grab all the money 
they had. He had to get over to Brooklyn 
and buy some more kilos of cocaine from 
one of the Jamaican West Indians who had 
driven it up from Miami. 

“How about my pay?” Curtis said one 
afternoon when the boss grabbed the re- 
ceipts. 

“You got to stay out there until you make 
enough for yourself,” the boss said. 

Curtis and Iris began putting in 16- and 
17-hour days selling on the street, with the 
last four hours for themselves. They made 
$1200 the first week and more in the weeks 
after that, making as much as $1700. Once, 
Curtis and Iris simply stayed out for the 
entire 24 hours, with freezing snow water 
on the sidewalks, and made $1000 each. 
Which is wealth that cannot be compre- 
hended by someone young in a black 
neighborhood of this country. 

Then, one day, Curtis was standing in 
the cold garage and over his NASA set 
came Iris’ code from outside, “Raise it up,” 
which meant that the police were there. 
Curtis was still dropping his crack vials in- 
to a hole in the floor when the door came 
busting open. As he was being driven off 
in the patrol car, he looked out the win- 
dow and saw two new sellers appear on the 
corner and the first customers approach. 

While Curtis was in prison, the use of 
crack increased so rapidly that for the first 
time in memory, saloon business was hurt, 
as people gave up even beer to smoke 
crack. Crack sellers became younger; kids 
from 15 to 22 stood around in Reebok 
sneakers and gold chains making astro- 
nomical amounts—as much as $400 a 
week— selling the drug and ready to kill 
over territory: the parking lot of a fried- 
chicken stand, the side of a corner grocery 
store, the toilet of a gas station. 

The price of a vial dropped to five dol- 
lars, then, at times, to three dollars. Crack 
was cheaper than a movie, cheaper than a 
hamburger and Coke at McDonald's. 
School children could afford it. There ap- 
peared a nine-year-old crack user in East 
Harlem; then a 14-year-old, Angela Ro- 
driguez, became news in New York when 
she was killed after buying crack. Itturned 
out that she had been using it and selling 
her body for it since the age of 12; and in 
her neighborhood, the story was hardly 
unusual. For crack was genocide. 

One night, after Curtis had done his 
time, he went to see a girl in the St. Albans 
neighborhood. At 10:30, he walked her to 
Montauk Triangle, where there's a monu- 
ment to the 19 young men from the neigh- 
borhood who went into World War Two. 
On one side of the triangle is a two-story 
building with a crowded video-game par- 
lor on the ground floor. Michael Lilly, 17, 
sat outside on a beach chair, with a pocket- 
ful of quarters, making change for any- 
body who needed it for the video games. 
On the other side of the triangle, there is a 


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213 


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wall of a supermarket, and a lot of people 
were sitting on chairs along it, smoking 
crack. 

As Curtis walked his new girlfriend to 
the supermarket wall, two cars turned the 
corner and moved slowly onto the street— 
two old cars, which should have made ev- 
erybody nervous; all crack business is done 
ош of old cars or rental cars. The personal 
cars are for glory 

The cars rolled down one side of the tri- 
angle, turned slowly at the basc and start- 
ed up the other side. 

Someone in the cars got nervous and 
aimed a gun across the triangle and shot 
out the window. It blew Michael Lilly out of 
the beach chair. Dead at 17 Then the oth- 
ers in the cars opened up with semi-auto- 
matics. Somebody was dead, six or seven 
were shot, everybody else was flattened on 
the pavement, hollering. Curtis was look- 
ing at Samia Tripp, 20, who stood in front 
of the supermarket with her two fingers 
pinned together from a bullet that had 
gone into her house during the night a 
couple of weeks before. She started run- 
ning to Curtis and she just made it as the 
bullets chipped the sidewalk in front of the 
supermarket. 

“What were they firing?" somebody 
asked Tripp. 

“Real bullets.” 

“That was the night that Curtis decided 
that a career in crack was too dangerous. 

. 

Lady Boncile had some money; every- 
body knew that. She had it with her on the 
second floor over the liquor store on Sut- 
phin Boulevard in South Jamaica, and she 
wanted a lot more, because she wanted to 
get herself a car. 

“My ride is a Jaguar,” Boncile said. 

Once, at the end of the Seventies, she 
had been out with her man, C.J. and they 
got a ride in somebody's Jaguar, the kind 
with the big old back, a Bentley-styled 
Jaguar, and Boncile smelled the leather 
and looked at the wood, real wood, and 
that was all she wanted, a Jaguar XJ6. 

“I want my Jaguar XJ6 to be green,” she 
said. 

C.J. winced. At that time, he was run- 
ning a numbers operation out of a store on 
16 Avenue and Sutphin Boulevard, and 
while numbers was good, he never saw 
money like that. And still, here was Bon- 
cile, who wanted the Jaguar XJ6 

“How did he get his?” she said, pointing 
to the Jaguar owner. 

“Some new drug he be sellin," C.J. said. 

“Then you sell it, too.” 

“He don't give it out.” 

Boncile said that was nonsense, because 
the drug was crack. “Just because a man is 
a big drug dealer, that don't make him 
smart,” she said, analyzing the sales of the 
new drug. “They be dumb. Look at how 
people sell tooth paste. You know the man 
come to the store in a van and see how 
much tooth paste you got gone, and then 
he replace it with all the tooth paste you 
need for yourself. If they think of doin’ 


this crack like that, put it right out there 
for the customer, then they be havin’ crack 
in every livin’ room. Supposed to be that 
good.” 

Her man, C.J., shrugged. He looked 
around until he got his hands on some 
crack and then found out how to make it 
himself. The money piled up and Boncile 
had stacks of it, one of which they used to 
buy cocaine, the other of which was saved 
for her Jaguar. 

Then, one day, C.]. was busted and, be- 
cause he had a bad record, they put him in 
for $50,000 bail. He called out in court to 
one of his men who was sitting in the spec- 
tators' seats, “Get Boncile to give you the 
money for my bail.” 

The runner went to Boncile’s apartment. 
When he rang the bell, he heard the win- 
dow upstairs over the liquor store open. 
He looked up. 

“What do you want?" Boncile said. 

“I need $50,000 for С.]% bail.” 

"Ain't no $50,000 here," she said. 

“Where is it?” 

“I доп" know Never been no $50,00 
around here. That man must be dreamin.” 

That night, when nobody showed with 
his money, C.J. was carted out of the court- 
house detention pen and shipped in a bus 
to Rikers Island. Late the next day, he got 
Boncile on the phone 

“I couldn't stop them,” she said 


“Stop what?” 
“All the runners from takin’ all your 
money. They tell me if I don’ give it to 


them, they shoot me.” 

On Rikers Island, C.J. went berserk and 
had to be tossed into a quiet room. On Sut- 
phin Boulevard, Boncile walked out of the 
apartment over the liquor store and, both 
hands clutching a new large purse, walked 
off into the night and the beginning of a 
new career as a Jaguar driver. 

Weeks later, when C.J. finally went back 
to his old grocery store on 116th Avenue 
and Sutphin Boulevard, he found that it 
was boarded up and that two 19-year-olds 
were on the corner, selling this new drug 
crack. They didn’t even know who C.J. was, 
except that he was old, way up in his 30s, 
and that he was from the dim past, as long 
as six months ago. 

“This was my spot,” C.]. said. 

“You old,” a kid said. 

The kid wore a red Troop suit and un- 
derneath it was a black Uzi, which im- 
pressed C.J. so much that he walked off 
and left the whole place and moved to Vir- 
ginia. He spends his life in bitterness, be- 
cause he missed out on the start of a major 
new trend, the invention of the computer 
in the underworld, untold money, the 
chance to be on the ground floor of crack. 

Т saw the Lady Boncile one day a year 
later. In a green Jaguar, waiting at a traffic 
light on Sutphin ‘Boulevard. Then I heard 
that she was using as much as an ounce of 
crack a day and didn't know where she was, 
and then I heard that one day, like Lenny 
Bias, she dropped dead. 


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\ | \ [LE | A IT \ [ | | [ l (continued from page 148) 


“Even the Scots are inclined to save the single malts for 
the evening and have a blended whisky at lunch.” 


in oak, but each distillery has its own sup- 
ply of wood. Some make a point of buying 
casks that originally contained sherry. 
Other Scottish distillers use American oak 
barrels that have weathered four or five 
summers in a bourbon warehouse. 

Single-malt whisky is a secret drink. 
Where has it been all these years? The 
truth is that for generations, the Scots 
thought their single malts were too indi- 
vidualistic for the tastes of even the Eng- 
lish, let alone the denizens of the New 
World. For years, Scotland kept a cache of 
single malts to itself and used the rest to 
produce blends such as Johnnie Walker 
Red and Black and J&B. 

Even the Scots are inclined to save the 


single malts for the evening and have a 
blended whisky at lunch. The first single 
malt, an easy Lowland, perhaps, might be 
drunk after an afternoon stroll, a day's fly- 
fishing or a game of golf. Before dinner, a 
more intense, dry single malt from the 
craggy coast line of the west. After dinner, 
a Highland single malt that has spent 15 
s or more in sherry wood. 

fine wines, single malts are known 
by their classic regions. To stock your per- 
sonal library you will need five or six 
shelves. Here are some reviews, starting 
with the lower shelf. 


Lil 


THE LOWLANDS 


The softest single malts come from the 
Lowlands. The easiest to find is the light, 


fresh Auchentoshan (ocken-toshen). Also 
look for the delicate Rosebank, the lemony 
Bladnoch and the sweeter Littlemill. On 
the edge of ıhis region, just across the 
Highland line, is the distillery of Glen- 
goyne, which makes a beautifully rounded 
gle malt. 


CAMPBELTOWN 


Just one small town, but a recognized re- 
gion in itself, on the peninsula called the 
Mull of Kintyre on the craggy west coast of 
Scotland. It has only three single malts. 
Springbank, a lonely malt but an acknowl- 
notable for the salty tang of 
is the most readily available. 
Also look for Longrow and Glen Scotia. 


ISLAY 

Pronounced eye-la. The classic island for 
single mals, with eight distilleries. Start 
with the flowery Bunnahabhain (boona- 
hóven), then work your way up through 
Bruichladdich (brook-laddie), Bowmore 
and the rare Caol Ша (kaleela) to 
Laphroaig (la-froig) for the full, peaty, sea- 
weedlike intensity that makes the island's 
single malts the delight of the connoisseur. 
Among the other islands, Skye is notable 
for its Talisker, and Orkney for Highland 
Park. Both are very full-flavored and 
peaty- 


SPEYSIDE 


By far the biggest producing region; 
the valley of the river Spey, with tributaries 
such as the Livet and the Fiddich, all in the 
stretch of the Highlands between Inver- 
ness and Aberdeen. Only one single malt is 
allowed го call itself The Glenlivet, but sev- 
eral others mention the loc: on their 
label. The Glenlivet, the original, is the 
most elegant and complex of single malts, 
with an almost herbal aperitif quality. It’s a 
must edition to your single-malt library 
Glenfiddich is smooth and well balanced, 
with an aromatic fruitiness. Knockando 
has a light almondy note. Cardhu presents 
a light-to-medium body and a sweetish 
palate. Strathisla introduces a little more 
oakiness. The Macallan has the most sher- 
ry-wood character among the readily 
available single malts. Try it at 18 years old; 
it is an acknowledged classic. 


NORTHERN HIGHLANDS 


The most remote stretch of the Scottish 
mainland still manages to support about 
ten distilleries, among which by far the 
best known is Glenmorangie. This very 
clean, lightly fruity single malt is notable 
for its dash of bourbon-wood sweetness. 
It's the perfect single malt for the cocktail 
hour. 

In the Highlands, it will be cold now, and 
maybe snowy. Christmas is just around the 
corner and so is New Years, which the 
Scots call hogmanay. Then theres Burns 
Night on January 25. We'll drink to all 
those with single malts—and winter has 


just begun. 
El 


ROOM AT THE ПЁ № cnn fom pare 120 


“Lets not decide if were going to spend the night 
together till later; Beatrice said.” 


the buttons on her blouse, leaving the top 
two as they were. 

He noted the gesture, he let her know 
about the notation, he let her wonder 
whether he would let it pass. He let it pass. 
He liked the hang of her vest, some kind of 
find the Barbary Coast Antique 
Clothier. “What is it rx 
teen eighty-eight or so?” 

"That was his way of letting it pass. He 
didnt expect any answer. He had grown 
rusty at party banter. But he kind of liked 
this Beatrice, liked her as much now, when 
she might have worn a bra to a Christmas 
Eve get-together for those who didnt go 
home for the holidays. The kind-of-like 
system worked with plump and also some- 
times worked with lean and rangy “I'm 
Watkins,” he said. "Thats my funny name 
I've been learning to live with." 

“Watkins. You're right. Well, probably, a 
handicap like that is terrific for your char- 
acter.” 

‘The system slipped into gear when cer- 
tain life problems laid a person open: 
Can't go home for the holidays, or no mon- 
ey; or dont want to go home or no home to 
go to. Or nobody to tease about the funny 
names a fellow gets. 

“You two have plates," Sheila said, peer- 
ing into each of their faces, making her 
own estimate of the preholiday situation. 
“You have food on your plates, silverware, 
at least one of you is showing a napkin. But 
you're not eating.” 

“Hey, we're getting organized.” 

Beatrice dropped toa step leading to the 
door and Watkins sat alongside. First he 
tried to put the plate on his knees; that 
didn't work so well. Then he tried the floor, 
but it was too great a bend and reach. Bea- 
trice was laughing at him. People were 
jostling around them. He didn't like shoes 
so close to his turkey and fixings. Beatrice 
was still studying him and laughing about 
what she had learned. “Not used to party- 
much, are you?” she asked. “Normally 
a loner, are you?" 

“Normally an eater at tables,” he admit- 
ted grimly. She was delighted. The smile 
wouldn't quit. 

The light in the room was yellow and 
warm. The people were not talking very 
much, pending the start of wine-fueled jol- 
lity, but there was a busy clash of teeth and 
silver. That helped. It was the noise of ice 
being broken. Sheila's house was filled with 
things—souvenirs, posters, season's greet- 
ings propped up on mantels—not a men- 
acing rich woman's house. In a corner, on 
a pedestal where a person might expect 
a sculpture or an Egyptoid lamp, stood a 
complex bit of machinery with jagged 
teeth on its snout and the message on a 


plaque: OLDEST ORANCEJE 
TO CALIFORNIA. 

And alongside Watkins was an attrac- 
tive, not-too-beautiful woman, the warmth 
of her flanks communicated to his. He 
should surely be feeling better about life. 
And having successfully argued the case 
for felicity against himself, he suddenly 
did. Feel better. 

“You dont have any olives,” he said. “Let 
that lack be remedied.” 

Beatrice plucked a black olive from his 
plate and neaily removed the pit from her 
mouth with the same fingers. She was easy 
with him and easy with herself. She didn't. 
demand that life bring her only pitless 
black olives. Surely, all of that suggested a 
promising situation for a lonely divorced 
male. She had reached into his plate as if 
she belonged there. If anything can be 
slightly aphrodisiac to the parties con- 
cerned, it's the ameliorating of the normal 
holiday depression by good luck and a bold 
reach. “That's the case,” he said. 

“Pardon?” 

"I think aloud sometimes, even when 
I'm talking with people.” 

"Nice, Wat. A little controlled 
schizophrenia is a very attractive quality in 
aman.” 

“Maybe you better run that by me one 
more time.” 

They were good buddies already. They 
joked. She called him Wat. They sat very 
dose on the carpeted step. They were the 


MARER KNOWN 


envy of everyone, though Sheila looked on- 
ly half-envious. Her pride in the art and 
craft of hostessing compensated her, or 
perhaps only that she didnt really 
find Watkins her sort. 

“The law of averages,” Kenny Jones was 
saying, too near to them. meaning to be 
overheard, “is that someoni this room 
has AIDS or syndrome.” 

“The law of averages also states,” Sheila 
remarked, her patience as a hostess begin- 
ning to be tried, “that we'll all be dead in 
due course. So let’ be careful. What're you 
trying to sugges! 

He shrugged. “Just small talk, like any- 
body else. It's on my mind." 

Reassuringly, Sheila leaned over and 
patted Watkins and Beatrice, in turn, on 
the shoulders. “Don't you worry; ГЇЇ vouch 
for both of you, especially if you obey safe 
practices. Let me get you some carrot and 
celery sticks—picks up the immune sys- 
tem, just in case.” 

When she turned toward the other 
guests, Watkins asked, “Are we doing the 
right thing?” 

The cool gray eyes of Beatrice—long 
eyes, lean eyes, like the rest of her— 
widened. “What are we doing?” she asked. 
He had assumed too much. He was un- 
skilled in the matter of Christmas Eve 
flirtation. 

“Talking only to each other,” he said. 


1 Beatrice. “Way to 
go.” She took another olive from his plate, 
another black one, and again removed the 
pit from her mouth with the same two 
fingers. “Lets not decide if we're going to 
spend the night together till later. Then 
well poll the jury" 

“Have you had legal experience?” 

“Neither a plaintiff nor a defendant,” 


217 


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ut I keep up with my reading.” 
They had got past that tender point in 
the discussion, the moment when a person 
might go to get a drink and forget to re- 
turn. He didn't know for sure if they were 
just joking, He wasn't even sure of the legal 
status of the term just joking. On Christ 
mas Eve, far from home, or maybe no real 
home, perhaps certain rules were suspend- 
ed, like alternate-side parking. He saw the 
point of food, drink, music and other peo 
ple in such situations. They gave a legiti 
mate reason for distraction. A person 
could fall silent and still seem to be paying 
attention. Apparently, Beatrice had been 
going through her own process of rumina- 
tion. There was a dreamy and abstracted 
vagueness on her face, as of someone run- 
ning various precise scenarios through her 
head. Apparently: the decision came sud- 
denly in a collision of scenarios. She asked, 
“Your place or mine?" so loudly that, two 
bodies away, Kenny Jones jumped. 
Watkins was ready to admit when he was 
wrong in both small matters and large. He 
had predicted that Beatrice wouldn't finish 
her plate. She had eaten methodically 
through the little mounds—creamy slaw, 
vinegary slaw, turkey cranberry sauc 
dressing, other festive stuff—and had 
finished with the parsley. Now that she had 
decided, she looked up at him, grinning, a 
bit of parsley on one tooth, and said. 
to finish? 


foo nervous to 


eat in company? 

“Do you mean it?” he asked. 

She frowned. She picked the parsley out 
She wied to give him an answer. “People 
needed to do this sort of thing back in the 
Sixties, didnt they? Make all these state- 
ments to prove it did or didn't mean some- 
thing?” She put an olive pit back into her 
mouth, giggled and removed it. "Nerv- 
ouser than you can imagine. Me. too. 

“I like that about you, Beatrice.” 

“Do you shoot people? Are you 
vert? Are you an emotional mess? 

These days, all that had to be covered, 
also. “Not for me to say. But I'm not in a 
risk group.” 
Well, then,” she said, “it's Christmas Exe 
and there's got to be room at the inn. Let's 
be on our way” 
ling silent, the other guests stared, 
chewing turkey, sipping wine, as Beatrice 
and Watkins went for their coats. It wasn't 
a true silence. It was a kind of reverent 
hum. Sheila stared over the edge of a bowl 
It was how she liked her coffee. She had 
the rights of a hostess and householder to 
her own large coffee bowl. Beatrice and 
Watkins hurried down the stairway. This 
wasn't France, where a person had to shake 
hands goodbye with everybody. This was 
America. where things can happen 
abruptly. 

Friendly, neoconservative Rodney stood 
swaying at the top of the stairs, holding a 
plate piled with slaw. “Bless vou, anvway, 
Tiny Tim. Just remember you owe me now. 
Is that agreed?" 

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PLAYBOY 


РЕБЕ  DDUDH 


“And we interrupt WTKZ' ‘Gospel Party’ to tell you that as 
of nou, il is Kerrr........ ristmas Day." 


L Y S Е af T E ©1988 The Seagram Classics Wine Co. NYC. 


(continued from page 168) 
look-alike Dutchwoman who is killed in an 
accident and whose husband finds in 
Eileen a substitute for his dead wife. Nei- 
ther role came easily to Lysette. “I had to 
learn the Belfast accent and I had to learn 


Dutch.” Lysette recalls. "I worked very GREAT NAMES IN FRENCH WINES 
BEGIN WITH THESE LETTERS. 


hard and it paid off. I went to Amsterdam 
at 22, shit-scared, knowing if I couldn't do 
it, I should go and have babies and let oth- 
ers get on with acting. I came out of that 
experience knowing that I could survive.” 
She easily survived a nude scene for Eileen 
and now laughs at the recollection. “The 
only thing was, I was terribly fit from run- 
ning and 1 was playing this little Belfast 
girl who couldn't look muscular. I had to 
stop running, so that when I took off my 
clothes, my body looked right.” Amster- 
dam, which Lyseue found liberating, 
killed her preference for England. “1 could 
not just come back and say, "Yes, I'd love to 
play a Dickensian character,’ or “Thank 
you very much, I do agree that Juliet 
should carry a Teddy bear and suck her 
thumb. I couldn't do it. After Eileen, I 
wanted to make things happen. For a week 
back in London, I sat in front of the telly 
and wept.” Then she got a grip on herself 
and went to work with a vengeance. She 
took on a project in Israel, did some mod- 
eling, made commercials, did a very well- 
received television comedy scrics, Three 
Up, Two Down, for the BBC, became the 
Cosmo girl for health and beauty and last 
year did a play at the Bristol Old Vic, one 
of the most prestigious regional theaters in 
England. “It was a horrendous experi- 
ence,” says Lysette. “Really the worst time, 
with actors not getting on together, every- 
body hating one another. The play itself, 
by Michael Frayn, was wonderful, but it 
didn't work. I thought, What am I going to 
до?” She decided to go to the gym every 
day and become “an obsessed person, then 
Га si in the bath at night with a large glass 
of whiskey and read poetry. I also thought 
about what I wanted to do. Га been des- 
perate to get back to Paris since 1 was 16. 
So I went, took a weeklong Berlitz course 
and got a French agent.” That's where Ly- 
seite now spends a lot of her time—in 
Paris—which comes as no surprise to her 
mother, “She always saw me as some wild 
creature who kept saying, ‘I'm sick of this; 
I'm going to Paris.” The current man in 
her life, whom Lysette met in Amsterdam 
while filming Eileen, is an art consultant 
whose business base is in Holland. “It has 
been difficult, because I've been filming all 
year, but we're engaged to be engaged. I've 
never had such a strong friend. When we 
go on holiday—weve had two wonderful 
ones, in Key West and Provence—I start 


out tense, with a cigarette, highly nervous. ч 
By the end, I'm like FINE FRENCH WINES SINCE 1725, 


six-year-old.” 


El 


PLAYBOY 


IT AIN'T TOONTOWN continue from page 174) 


“He stepped between cars to clear his head—the cars 
jostled him and he slipped and was crushed to death.” 


brother. They lived in what historian Ger- 
ber reported as “a shabby apartment in 
Forest Hills, Queens, from which he ven- 
tures out only occasionally.” Today, they 
both live in Los Angeles, and DC Comics, 
now a division of Warner Communica- 
tions, sends them an annual stipend . . . as 
long as they make no public statements 
about their history with DC or their feel- 
ings about the past 50 years or contribute 
to the perpetuation of said sordid history. 
Needless to say, I was unable to obtain any 
statements from Siegel or Shuster during 
the preparation of this article. Without 
word from Siegel, there is no way to verify 
the long-standing story that the infamous 
$130 for the buy-out on Superman was ac- 
tually money owed to Siegel and Shuster 
for work previously done; money withheld 
to force their signing of the release. As 
their 75th birthdays approach, fear of 
retaliation—via a press-blackout clause in 
the gentlemen's annuity deal —ensures 
that these men will not add to DC's weight 
of albatross guilt. 

But for those who dote on stories that 
wallop you in the heart, here are a couple 


that have been authenticated: 

On March 29, 1966, opening night of 
the Broadway musical Its a Bird . . . Its a 
Plane . . . It's Superman, among the crowd 
milling about in front of the Alvin Theater 
on West 52nd Street was a shabby old man. 
Tear your heart out just to see him. Right. 
But it would elicit anger more than knee- 
jerk sympathy to learn that it was Joe Shus- 
ter, the guy who first drew Superman, 
standing there without the money to buy a 
ticket to his own creation. 

Shuster was working as a messenger. 
Broke, going blind, unable to get work in 
the industry he had helped bring into be- 
ing, he was delivering parcels to midtown 
offices. Which brings us to story number 
two. Shuster found himself making a deliv- 
ery to DC. He walked in with the parcel, 
and no one knew who he was. He started to 
leave—so the tale goes—and Liebowitz, 
the guy who'd gotten the boys to sign over 
Superman for $130, came out of his office. 
He recognized Shuster. Frayed cuffs, old 
jacket, looking gray and destitute. They 
confronted each other after all those years. 

One version has it that Liebowitz gave 


him money to buy a new suit. Another ver- 
sion says the millionaire publisher pulled a 
fistful of money from his pocket, thrust it 
at Shuster and told him never to come 
back. A third version says it was ten bucks. 
A fourth telling ups the amount to 100 
bucks. But all versions concur that the mes- 
senger service received a call from DC lat- 
er that day, insisting that the old geezer 
who'd done the delivery that day never be 
given that run again. 

What happened to them is not uncom- 
mon. Wally Wood, whose extraordinary 
art was showcased in EC comics and Mad 
for more thana decade, worn out and alco- 
holic, unable to draw after a lifetime at the 
board, worked so hard he had migraines 
not even a Dexedrine addiction could ease, 
returned from his doctor in Los Angeles, 
having learned he'd be hooked up to a di- 
alysis machine for the rest of his days, put a 
Saturday Night Special to his head and 
blew his brains out. They didn't find his 
body for three days, there in that squalid 
little room. 

Joe Maneely, Atlas Comics artist who 
drew more than half of the covers for the 
70 comics a month the company was pro- 
ducing in the Fifties, having gone days 
without sleep to complete work unceasing- 
ly thrown at him by a publisher, rode a 
commuter train out to Jersey He stepped 
between cars to clear his head—some say 
he’d been drinking, but so the hell wha 
the train took a sharp curve, the cars 


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jostled him and he slipped between them 
and was crushed to death. 

Jack Kirby, whose thousands of pages of 
brilliant art for Marvel made Thor, 
Fantastic Four and The Avengers such stars 
that Marvel now commands almost 50 per- 
cent of the market, only recently, after a 
public crusade, has managed to regain a 
fraction of his originals, hundreds of 
pages of which have been given away as 
convention auction items, ripped off by 
office personnel, tendered to fans visiting 
the publication offices in New York, sold 
and resold by dealers for a tidy fortune 
over the years. And to this day, Kirby re- 
ceives no co-creator credit. 

Jack Cole, who created Midnight and 
Plastic Man, whose cartoons illuminated 
the pages of Playboy in the Fifties, after 20 
years of backbreaking labor in the comics 
Gulag, said, “Ah, to hell with it" and 
pulled the rigger. 

Reed Crandall, whose stylish renditions 
of Blackhawk remain a pinnade of comic 
art, died broke and legally blind, a night 
watchman in Kansas City, not one cent of 
pension or royalty coming to him from the 
uncounted pages of exemplary art that 
made millions for half a dozen funnybook 
companies. 

And that’s the way it was. Till 1981, till 
Kirby's Captain Victory and Sergio Ara- 
gonés' Groo the Wanderer started making 
money in the direct-sales market, and 


Creators were able to break out of 
fields of the two major publishers 
controlling their own destinies. 

And at that point, the pressure to keep 
comics a childish, introverted, essentially 
frivolous commercial product began to 
ease. Once there were alternatives, the ma- 
turity that had always been there, stunted 
and ridiculed, censored by the Comics 
Code Authority and the strictures of the 
publishers, burst loose. 

By 1986, with the blasting open of the 
medium by Frank Miller and his Dark 
Knight Returns version of Bauman as an 
aging, more than slightly psychotic crime 
fighter coming back from retirement, 
comic books began to achieve the main- 
stream notice that aficionados always knew 
was potentially possible. 

If Siegel and Shuster were the artistic 
and imaginative god fathers of the field, if 
Neal Adams was the champion who 
shamed DC into giving them a yearly nib- 
ble at the profit pie, if Stan Lee and Jack 
Kirby were the first major talents to reduce 
the level of silliness in comics characters 
and show them as real people with unreal 
powers, then Frank Miller has been the 
ass-kicking, indefatigable spokesman for a 
new, adult outlook on funnybooks. 

The past two years in the world of 
comics have been a real toad-strangler. 
Censorship, duplicity, heroes, quislings, 


mountebanks and arrogant poscurs. The 
Gulag has turned into a feeding frenzy, 
and from the melee has come a banquet of 
tasty tidbits. 

. 

Here's the line of logic, for those who 
think it's been a long journey: If comics аге 
so worthy, how come Joe Tobul's mother 
tossed out the books I lent Joe back in 
1946, when we were both 12 years old in 
Painesville, Ohio? 

Because Joe's mother, who was a nice la- 
dy, thought they were trash. And why did 
she think they were trash? Because the in- 
dustry had a vested interest in keeping the 
material childish and narrowly focused 
They were men of limited artistic vision, 
and their commercial view of the medium 
was cqually tunnel-visioned. And how did 
they keep the unpredictable artists and 
ers who aspired to nobler ends in line? 

They did it by holding both copyrights 
and trademarks on every last creation. If 
they owned Superman and Spider-Man 
lock, stock and long johns, they could al- 
ways fire those who threatened their p 
cies, even if the one getting the sack was 
the talent who thought up the character in 
the first place. So we study the Siegel-and- 
Shuster case at length, not only because 
Superman was the feature that made 
comics as popular as they've become but 
because what happened to Siegel and 
Shuster was the same scenario for virtually 


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everyone who went into the field. 

And that is why it took more than 50 
years for Superman to appear on the cover 
of Time; 50 years for journals such as The 
New York Times, The Village Voice, The New 
Yorker, Rolling Stone and The Allautic to 
publish essays that said, “Wow! Look what 
we've discovered"; 50 years for magazines 
such as Spin (intended principally, one as- 
sumes, for MTV refugees who had the 
misfortune to learn to read) to write, 
“These days, comics stores are infinitely 
more exciting than record stores, even if 
you aren't а dweeb in highwater pants.” 

Because for 50 years, what could have 
been was prevented from being. But seven 
years ago the ercator-owned comic came 
into existence, and the all-powerful inter- 
esis that ran the Gulag found that the best 
talents were cleaning up with offbeat and 
original work for the independent, smaller 
houses. In a matter of months, direct-sales 
comics shops were springing up all over 
the country, selling many times the units 
that were being sold by traditional news- 
stand-distribution methods. 

Companies such as Comico, Kitchen 
Sink, Eclipse, First Comics, Quality and 
Vortex were stealing away the artists and 
writers who were producing the books that 
made them the most money. They still had 
Superman and X-Men, Batman and Dare- 
devil, but Mike Grell had gone to First, 
where he created Jon Sable; Sergio 
Aragonés and Mark Evanier had gone 10 
Pacific, where Groo the Wanderer was pull- 
ing down big numbers, and Timothy Tru- 
man was writing the revived Forties 
character Airboy for Eclipse. Even more 
significantly, Dave Sim, up in Canada, was 
himself publishing the astonishing Cerebus 
the Aardvark, copies of the first issue sell- 
ing for huge sums through dealer ads in 
the weekly tabloid of the funnybook world, 
Comics Buyers Guide; Steve Moncuse in 
Richmond, California, was self-publishing 
The Fish Police and copping reams of criti- 
cal praise; Eastman and Laird had started 
publishing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in 
Sharon, Connecticut, as a gag parody of 
the profusion of X-Men comics flooding 
the market, and suddenly, their Mirage 
Studios was a thriving company. 

So Marvel and DC, who had outlasted 
the hundreds of comics companies that 
had flourished in the Forties and been de- 
stroyed by the likes of Dr. Wertham in the 
Fifties, who had blossomed anew in the 
Sixties and Seventies, now saw the empire 
at peril. For 50 years the giants had 
stonewalled the concept of author royal- 
ties, vowing, “Over our dead bodies!” But 
Frank Miller, who had blown breath back 
into Marvel's Daredevil, wouldn't produce 
for anyone simply with a work-for-hire 
contract anymore, so DC lured him away 
with a royalty deal, and he created the as- 
tonishing multileveled six-book “graphic 
novel” Ronin; and then The Dark Knight 


Returns .. and it was all over for the plan 
tation mentality 

Rolling Stone did a major takeout on 
Miller and his gritty, surreal, film noir 
vision of the myth of superheroes, set 
against mean streets filled with vicious 
mad-dog vatos and SWAI-crazy fascis- 
tic authorities. Batman, middle-aged, 
racked with guilt over the death of the 
young man who had been Robin, lost in 
memories of his caped-crusader career but 
retired for a decade, goes back to the shad- 
owy alleys and rooftops of Gotham City, a 
half-crazed vigilante prowling in a night- 
time world dolorous under the threat of 
imminent global nuclear warfare. Super- 
man works for the Government. The Cat- 
woman is a madam. The Joker, now a 
media celebrity, shrills at us from the set of 
Late Night with David Letterman, having at 
last found his proper venue 

And suddenly U.PI. and A.P started 
blowing kisses and urging their adult audi- 
ence to get a load of Uns! Not yet 30, Miller 
found himself riding the wave of serious 
attention. The evening news shows inter- 
viewed „ treating him like a modern 
poet of urban society, Like Fulton, Chap- 
lin, Kerouac or Nader, Miller was in the 
right place at the right time, with the deliv- 
erable goods and an enormous talent, and 
he became the pointman for the entire 
comics industry. He opened the door and, 
because there were now alternatives to 
work for hire, work at command, other 
restless creators kicked that door ott its 
hinges and the Gulag began to empty. 

Now an adult reader who makes no snob 
distinctions between the value of a Jim 
Thompson or Harold Adams suspense 
novel and the work of Thomas Pynchon, 
Jim Harrison or Joyce Carol Oates, consid- 
ered “serious” writing, can go to the 
nearest comics shop and find magazines 
and graphic novels that—in this different 
medium of presentation—have as much 
emotional and intellectual clout as the best 
movies, the best novels and one or two 
items on television. Here are a few of the 
best: 

* Omaha, the Cat Dancer: a spunky, sexy, 
deanly drawn contemporary soap opera 
about the life and loves of a nude terpsi- 
chorean who happens to be a, er, uh, a cat. 
Reed Waller is the intelligence guiding this 
fable. It is a magazine that has the religious 
right crazed. It is wonderful. 

* Lone Wolf and Cub: a series of square- 
bound, stiff-cover reprints of the Japanese 
manga on which the “baby cart” films were 
based. The episodic story of a masterless 
samurai and his infant son wandering 
through blood and shogunate Nippon, 
staying one jump ahead of the assassins 
sent to slay them. Kazuo Koike and Goseki 
Kojima tell the tales. 

* The Spirit: masterworks month after 
month by Will Eisner. Denny Colt, a cross 
between the young Jimmy Stewart and the 
Steve McQueen of The Great Escape, 


1989 
PLAYMATE 


CALENDAR 


. his brand new edition of our popular Playmate Video Calendar 
Series features intimate video profiles of 12 recent centerfold PLAYBOY 
favorites. Starring Lynne Austin, Eloise Broady, Carmen Berg, Brandi e 
Brandt, Kimberley Conrad, Terri Lynn Doss, Rebecca Ferratti, Sharry E ` 
Konopski, Diana Lee, Susie Owens, Pamela Stein and 1988 Playmate 
of the Year India Allen. Approximately 1 hour. 


Charge to your VISA, MasterCard or American Express. Ask for item 
#1803V-VHS. Or, enclose a check or money order for $19.99 plus 
$1.25 postage for each video and $2.00 handling charge PED total 
order. Specify item #1803V-VHS. (Illinois residents add 7% sales tax.) 
Mail to: Playboy Video, P.O. Box 1554, Dept. 20046, Elk Grove 
Village, IL, 60009. Please allow 4 weeks delivery. 


If for any reason you are not satisfied with your Playboy product, 
simply return your purchase for a full refund. 


‘©1988 Playboy. PLAYBOY, PLAYMATE, PLAYMATE OP THE YEAR and RABBIT HEAD DESIGN are trademarks of 
and used under license by Playboy Enterprises, Int. 


Source Code 20046 


PLAYBOY 


IF YOU'RE LOSING HAIR, 


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residing under Wildwood Cemetery, helps 
Inspector Dolan battle crime and usually 
gets the shit kicked out of him in the proc- 
ess. Stories of character and human foible, 
tragic and funny and illustrated by a man 
whose work is simply cinematic. 

John Constantine, Hellblazer: a sublime- 
ly deranged view of present-day England 
and America asa battle between the grotty, 
amoral survivor Constantine and all the 
demons of hell that darken our lives, be 
they religious crusaders violence- 
drenched street thugs. Jamie Delano is the 
deliciously perverse talent who dreams 
this stuff up every month. If Rimbaud and 
Baudelaire were writing comics today, they 
would acknowledge Delano as their supe- 
rior in portraying decadence. 

* The Watchmen: a 12-issue graphic novel 
that is what experts mean when they talk 
about science fictions doing what no other 
genre of literature can do. From Alan 
Moore and Dave Gibbons, a pair of 
Olympian English talents, this milestone 
saga is nothing less than an illustrated al- 
ternate-universe novel postulating a world 
in which Nixon still reigns, in which super- 
heroes have been outlawed because the 
common man fears them, in which a com- 
plex murder mystery is the core of a study 
of our timesand our tenuous grasp on san- 
ity. It was The Watchmen, following the 
Dark Knight opus, that kicked the Gulag's 
door off its hinges. As exciting as Ham- 
тец, as intricate as Proust, as socially in- 
sightful as Auchincloss, if comics have 

ached literature, it is here. 

mcrete: probably the best comic 

published today by anyone, any- 

. Trying to describe the down- 
earth humanity and sheer dearness of Paul 
Chadwick's creation requires more than 

5 or pictures. Ronald Lithgow, ex— 
Senatorial speechwriter, has been, er, 
uh, altered by alien forces. His brain now 
lives in a rock-hard monstrously pond 
ous body. And he visits Tibet, and he 
swims oceans, and he saves a family farm, 
and he performs at kiddie birthday 
parties, and none of this casts even a scin 
tilla of light on the magnificence of what 
Chadwick is doing, issue after issue. 

* The Fish Police: another idea that turns 
to gibberish when one attempts to codify 
it. There's this cop, Inspector Gill, who isa 
fish. Except he keeps thinking about some- 
thing called “ankles.” He is obviously some 
other being, from some other place where 
people breathe air and “walk.” He may 
be human. It is Chandler and Willeford 
and the antic parts of Hammett, told as an 
aquatic allegory. It takes Steve Moncuse to 
conceive it... and to explain it. 

If one now gets the sense that trying to 
encapsulate these ribald fantasies in mere 
narrative is akin to summarizing Moby 
Dick as a long story about a crazy one- 
legged guy trying to kill a big white fish, or 
Citizen Kane asa biography of a guy whose 


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WHO CARES? 


Malcolm Forbes, publisher and 
motorcyclist. “As one who loves 
motorcycling, [feel personal respon- 
sibility for helping to keep motor- 
cycling unfettered by unneeded 
rules and regulations. By keeping 
our riding habits reasonable, it'll 

х help enormously to keep unwanted 
laws ff the books. By muffling the unnecessary noise 
that annoys so many, we make friends rather than 
enemies. By obeying traffic safety laws, we protect our- 
selves and need have no truck with those who would 
outlaw us. That’ not much to ask 

if it saves cycling freedom for 


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_ RIDE AWARE. SHOW YOU CARE. 


MOTORCYCLE INOUSTRY COUNCIL, INC. WE) 


life got fucked up because he lost his Flex- 
ible Flyer . . „one has put one’s little paw on 
the problem, 

Comics are a different medium. They 
combine film, animation, the novel form, 
the succinct joy of the short story, the mys- 
tery of the haiku and the visual punch of 
great painungs. They are their own yard- 
stick. Parallels fail. They must be seen to 
be enjoyed. 

And trying to sum up the hundred dif- 
ferent wonders of a genre this various 
would fill (and has filled) copious volumes. 
There are the exquisite reprint books of 
Steve Canyon, Li'l Abner, Terry and the Pi- 
rates, Popeye and Shel Dorf's meticulous 
reissuing of Dick Tracy; the English reprint 
comics of Judge Dredd, Miracleman, Halo 
Jones; the frequently dangerous stories of a 
war over which we still anguish, The ‘Nam; 
Gerard Jones and Will Jacobs’ The Trouble 
with Girls, which stands James Bond on his 
ear; the satire on Fifties bomb-shelter Cold 
War paranoia, The Silent Invasion; Eric 
Shanowers gorgeous Oz graphic novels; 
and Nexus and Zot! and the Hernandez 
Brothers constantly enriching Love and 
Rockets and ...and.... 

It goes on, without drawing a breath or 
relaxing its grip on imagination. Volumes 
can be filled with praise for the treasures 
these past seven years have given us. 

In the pages of a new newsletter called 
WAP! (for Words and Pictures), for the 
first time in the history of the Gulag, 
comics professionals are speaking out. 
Endless recountings of the screwings and 
hamstringings of their work in a field that 
was purposely held at an adolescent level. 
In the pages of WAP! and in the pages of 
Comics Buyers Guide, the new, strong voice 
of an art form coming to maturity can be 
heard. The censors tremble, the moguls 
fret, the occasional jumped-up fan turned 
editor of a critical journal (in the same way 
that The National Enquirer is a critical jour- 
nal) spits bile, but after a half century, the 
talent is finally speaking out. 

(WAP!—12 issues a year for $25—can 
be obtained from RFH Publications, 1879 
East Orange Grove, Pasadena, California 
91104. Comics Buyers Guide—free copy on 
request—is available from Krause Publica- 
tions, 700 East State Street, lola, Wisconsin 
54990. The former gives the inside, the 
latter the outside.) 

Television wearies. Films pander to the 
sophomoric, to the knife-kill crazies. Nov- 
elists write smaller and smaller about less 
and less. Fast food gives you zits. But from 
the rubble of the Gulag the song of the 
imagination is heard. And there isan insist- 
entrapping on the sanctified portals of the 
Frick and MOMA. Those who have sur- 
vived come with Zot! and Swamp Thing to 
demand that, at last, attention, attention 
must be paid. 

That's truth, justice and the American 


ау. 
E 


z 


Problem: AUTO THEFT 
“CEL LEES =’ * SUPER CLUB’ 


Statistics show your car has a 1 in 50 chance of 
being stolen or vandalzed. Of course you want to 
protect t. But how? 

You have several options: 


THE INEXPENSIVE 
IGNITION CUFF 
This little device retails for up 10 $50. It wraps 
around the ignition lock. and locks with its own key 
Actually. a protessional thief won'tbother withit. He 
goes through the center of the steering column witn 
a tool. 


THE VERY EXPENSIVE 
ELECTRONIC SYSTEM 
WITH A SIREN 
Have you ever walked past a car with its siren 
blaring? Or its horn tooting? That's just it. People 
walk right past. These systems have “hidden” 
switches which any thel can find. They have com- 
plex mechanisms that can bring the cost up to 
51.000. But they re hardly loolproof. Maybe that's 

why they're always causing false alarms. 


THE 
MODERATE-TO-EXPENSIVE 
WHEEL-TO-PEDAL LOCK 
This medieval monstechooks on the steering wheel 
and extends down to the brake. I's much easier to 
deleat than it is 10 install. as any thie can demon: 
strate with a good kick. It costs up 10 S79. A lot for 
something that ends up in ше trunk. SPECIAL 
CAUTION: The basic design of these locks is poten- 
Nally dangerous as it interferes with the braking 
system. Because ol their tow visibility, a driver can 
forget i's in place. Once a car is in gear braking is 
relatively impossible. Is happened more thanonce. 

leaving devastating results. 


THE “HIDDEN” SWITCHES. 
Kill switches and fuel cut-offs only have so many 
places they can be hidden, andit doesn't takea thief 
very long to find either type. Once athl has broken 
in, the damage is already done 


“THE CLUB” 
HOW IT WORKS 


“THE CLUB" is a slide-and-lock brace that once 
it'slockedinto place. steering isimpossible. The ex- 
tension end is solong that it's stopped by anything 
immovable. such as the windshield. door post or 
‘seat. The steering wheel can NOT be turned enough 
Хо male driving possible “THE CLUB” is brightred 
and it's position on the steering wheel makes il 
highly visible rom the outside. This visibility deters 
thieves BEFORE they attempt to break in. 


POLICE-TESTED 
POLICE-ENDORSED 


Pittsburgh Fraternal Order of Police declared war 
оп айю theft in their city. using "THE CLUB” as the 
heart of their campaign. With the combined efforts 
of the Pittsburgh police and "THE CLUB". their 
"CURTAIL AUTO THEFT” campaign had fantastic 
results. Auto het in their ciy vas actually reduced 
by 40% in 90 days. 

Now many policemen are using nemin their own 
vehicles. “I've never seen a more effective deterrent 
10 ашо theft" stated Li. John Mook, Pittsburgh 
Police Department. “I wholeheartedly endorse "THE 
CLUB” and recommend it to everyone for the best 
in auto theft protection." stated Lt. Ron Carnevale. 
L.A.P D.. head of auto theft division in Los Angeles 
for seven years. “THE CLUB" isalso used by major 
eet owners to protect their vehicles. 


THE 
“SUPER CLUB” 


It works the same way as “THE CLUB”. but uses 
a special stale-ol-the-art cross keylock. The unitis 
self-locking & requires a key only to unlock. The 
“SUPER CLUB" is enhanced security. for slightly 
тоге cost 

BEWARE OF CHEAP IMITATIONS. “THE CLUB" 
does have a few look-alikes out there. If it doesnt 
dearly read “THE CLUB" on its extension enc. it's 
not the real thing 


Ме have offered the same guarantee for over two 
years. and wall continue to do so. “THE CLUB" 
comes with a registration card, which when filled 
out. vaillactivate your quarantez. your caris stolen 
while “THE CLUB" is properly installed. we'll reim- 
burse you for your insurance deductible up to $200. 

‘The "SUPERCLUB is guaranteed tor up to $500 
of your insurance decuctible if your car ts stolen 
while it's in use. "Details inside package 


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231 


PLRYBOY 


COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW 


(continued from page 146) 


“Georgetowns Alonzo Mourning may become the most 
dominant collegiate center since Patrick Ewing.” 


Wade brought the Maryland program 
back to respectability in one short year and 
was looking at the prospect of a very 
strong team this season until 6'10” center 
Brian Williams transferred to Arizona. 


ATLAD 


Playboy Coach of the Year John Chaney 
has taken Temple from obscurity to nation- 
al prominence in only а few years. Last sea- 
son, the Owls made it all the way to the 
N.C.A.A. quarter finals before bowing to 
Duke, 63-53. Temple has lost good players 
to graduation and three promising fresh- 
man recruits failed to meet Proposition 48 
requirements. Still, Chancy has Playboy 
All-America guard Mark Macon and 
enough coaching savvy to get Temple back 
to the top of the Atlantic Ten. 

The big play man for coach Gale Catlett 
and West Virginia will be 6'8” Darryl Prue. 
If Catlett can find a big man to play in the 
paint so that Prue can stay at his natural 
position of power forward, the Moun- 
taineers can improve on last year’s 18—14 
record. 

Rhode Island surprised almost everyone 


IC TEN 


in the N.C.A.A. tournament last year by 
knocking off Missouri (87-80) and heavily 
favored Syracuse (97—94) before falling to 
Duke. Unfortunately for the Rams, coach 
‘Tom Penders has moved to Texas. 

St. Joseph's, Penn State, Duquesne, St. 
Bonaventure and George Washington will 
battle for an advantage in the middle con- 
ference slots and hope for upsets of the 
conference leaders. 

BIG EAST 

The Big Fast is going to be big fun this 
year: great teams that are evenly matched, 
colorful coaches and exciting freshmen 
who are—guess what?—cligible to play. 

Georgetown coach John Thompson, just 
back from the Olympics, has the top fresh- 
man in the nation, 6" 10" Alonzo Mourning, 
who may become the most dominant colle- 
giate center since Patrick Ewing. Thomp- 
son has loads of other talent, including 
Playboy All-America Charles Smith, guard 
Mark Tillmon (13.8 p.p.g.) and sophomore 
John Turner, who scored 30 points and 
grabbed 30 rebounds in Maryland's junior 
college championship last season. 


“So this 15 your idea of a room with a view?” 


Syracuse came up a dollar short against 


City last year. Unfortunately, the Orange- 
men couldn't find their tournament chem- 


Rony Scikaly, lost to graduation, Syracuse 
can contend again. 

There are few things more entert 
than watching Rollie Massimino, 
sheveled, hands waving, propel Villanovas 
basketball team almost beyond its poten- 
tial. In 1985, he coached the Wildcats to a 
national championship. Last season, he 
guided them to tournament wins over Ar- 
kansas, Illinois and Kentucky. Rollie has 
four out of five starters returning, includ- 
ing vastly improved Tom Greis, a 7'2" cen- 
ter, and guard Doug West (15.8 p.p.g.). 

St. John’s is going to miss the scoring 
(18.6 p.p.g.) and rebounding (8.8 r.p.g.) of 
Shelton Jones, but coach Lou Carnesecca 
has recruited well. Freshmen Malik Sealy, a 
6'7” forward, and Robert Werdann, a 6' 11" 
center, could both start. Greg “Boo” Har- 
vey will anchor the Redmen backcourt. 

Connecticut, 20-14 and last year's N.L.T. 
champ, returns its entre starung 
lineup, including 6'11" center Cliff Rob- 
inson. Seven-foot West German Marc 
Suhr, a Proposition 48 casualty last year, is 
also available to third-year coach Jim Cal- 
houn. The Hi should graduate to the 
N.C.A.A, tournament this year. 

Piusburgh has lost its entire starting 
front line: Charles Smith and Demetreus 
Gore graduated, and Jerome Lane, who 
would have been the top returning re- 
bounder in the nation, turned pro. Coach 
Paul Evans is left with a quick and versatile 
group of players, including Big East Fresh- 
man of the Year Sean Miller and Brian 
Shorter, a 6'7” forward held out last year by 
Proposition 48. 

Even the bottom third of the conference 
is exciting. P J. Carlesimo, last seasons Big 
East Coach of the Year, will field a competi- 
tive Seton Hall team despite the loss of for- 
ward Mark Bryant. Boston College will 
have an explosive backcourt with Dana 
Barros (21.9 p.p.g.) and Bryan Edwards, 
Massachusetts’ all-time high school scor- 
ing champ. Providence has a new coach, 
Rick Barnes, and lots of enthusiasm, 
though not enough talent to stay out of the 
cellar. 


MIG EIGHT 


It took Danny Manning, the College 
Player of the Year, and the kinetic tension 
of the championship game to finally halt 
Oklahoma's assault on the national útle. 
The Sooners thundered their way to last 
season's final game in the same fashion in 
which they rolled up an average ЮЗ p.p.g. 
and broke five N.C.A.A. and 54 conference 
records. [n the final minutes against Kan- 
sas, Oklahoma failed to put the ball in the 
hands of Stacey King often cnough and 
finally froze as Manning put them away. 
Coach Billy Tubbs may get the chance to 


profit from his experience. The Soon 
return Playboy All-America King, plus 
Daron “Mookie” Blaylock, college basket- 
balls version of Artlul Dodger, who had 
` than 100 steals and 200 sts last 


! me Missouri leading scorer Der- 
rick Chievous has gone to the N.B.A., but 
coach Norm Stewart has his four othe: 
back. Center Doug Smith, a hr 
team freshman All-America last year, will 
emerge as the Tigers’ next big-time pl 
If Mi i can avoid last season's injun 
it can give Oklahoma a run for its money. 

The most improved team in the conter 
ence will be Oklahoma State, with forward 
Richard Dumas, who ranked second only 
to Temples Mark Macon in scoring among 
freshmen. OSU adds size in two returning 
Proposition 48 victims, 6'10" Thomas Jor 
dan and seven-foot Johnny Pittman. 

Its rebuilding time for three of last 
year's conference powers, Kansas State will 
miss Mitch Richmond; lowa State, Jeff 
Grayer; and Kansas, last year’s national 
champ. Danny Manning, and coach Larry 
“Im staying, Pm staying, Im going” 
Brown. 


BIG SKY 


Even up in the land of mountain men 
and lumberjacks, college basketball is a hot 
topic. Last year, Boise State won the confer- 
ence tournament and gave Michigan all 
it wanted before bowing out 63-58 in the 
N.C.A.A. tourney first round. However, it 
may not be able to hold off an Idaho team 
that returns four starters, including center 
Raymond Brown (16.1 p.p). from a 
19-11 season. Idaho's success will depend 
on how well Kermit Davis makes the tran 
jon from assistant to head coach, Mon 
tana and Weber State return four starter 

ach, while the rest of the conference wil 
be busy rebuilding this season. 


BIG SOUTH 


The Big South not a big deal? Them's 
fightin’ words, sir! This little conference 
made up of seven schools from Virginia to 
Georgia takes its basketball very seriously. 
Last years champ, Winthrop. has a good 
chance to repeat. Four starters are back, 
the schedule features 17 home games and 
the conference tourney is on its home floc 

Campbell also returns four starters 
from last year and has added 6'9" soph 
more Marvin Edmonds, a 27-year-old six- 
year Army veteran who has never played 
organized basketball. 


BIG TEN 


Michigan coach Bill Frieder had all the 
cards last year but was never 
them in the right order. The talented and 
thoroughly frustrated Wolverines, 
on the year, bowed to North Carolina 
78-69 im the N.C.A.A. tourneys third 
round. They should have gone further. 

Playboy All- a Glen Rice and 
6'10" Terry Mills are the best one-two 
forward combo in the nation. Rumeal 


PROPOSITION 
48: 
PATENTED 
RACISM 


By John Chaney, Coach 
Temple University 


I, being poor, have only my 
dreams. ... . I have spread my dreams 
under your feet. Tread sofily, because 
you tread on my dreams. 

— WILLIAM BUTLER VEATS 


Proposition 48, which went into ef- 
fect on August 1, 1986, was written by 
n N.C.A.A, ad hoc committee that 
represented the views of only 40 super- 
power universities, excluding any par- 
ticipation by black universities and 
secondary schools. The purpose of 
Proposition 48 was 10 set academic 
criteria for incoming freshman ath- 
letes—a 2.0 grade-point average in 11 
required core courses, a combined 
AT. score of 700 (or an equivalent of 
15 on the A.C.T). In fact, it defeats its 
own intentions, treading on the aspira- 
tions of young athletes and tearing 
their dreams to shreds. 

At best, Proposition 48 is poorly con- 
ceived and ignorantly implemented. 
Founded chiefly on the questionable if 
not false premise of S.A.T. scores, it 
comes dangerously close to discrim 
uing against black student/athletes 
coming out of inferior inner-city school 
systems. In fact, recent statistics show 
that almost all Proposition 48 students 
arc black. The N.C.A.A. predicted t| 
fact and still enacted the rule. To re- 
strict Proposition 48 student/athletes 
from participation in college sports is 
therefore tantamount. to restricting 
blacks [rom participation in college 
sports. And regardless of how they may 
ultimately fare academically, student/ 
athletes who 
ments of Proposition 48 (aga 
blacks) must sacrifice their freshman 
year of athletic eligibility. In other 
words, these kids are looking, at best, at 
three quarters of a college sports ca- 
ree 

Next, the S.A.T joke, Proposition 48 
requires that a student/athlete have а 
combined S.A.T score of at least 700. 
Lets forget for a moment that the valid- 
ity of the SAT. test often been 
questioned, Most universities consider 
АТ. scores along with other variables 
in their admissions screenings. They 


will, for example, discount à poor per- 
formance on the S.A.T. if it is offset by 
good high school grades or recommen- 
dations from educators. However, a 
Proposition 48 student/athlete must 
meet all of the rules standards in order 
to play ball. Without attaining that arbi 
SAT score of 700, potent 
sports stars are being benched before 
they've even had the opportunity to 
take the field. 

Ultimately. the matter comes down to 
whether we think the opportunity to a 
college education is a right or a privi 
lege. I believe it is a right. Since univer- 
sities are ready to exchange educational 
opportunity for athletic skill, why 
should the N.C.A.A. deny an entire 
group of youngsters who fail to meet 
the arbitrary standards of Propos 
48 a chance for education and success, 
particularly when that group happens 
to be predominantly black? 

So what can be done? 1 have a few 
suggestions: Do not punish student /ath- 
letes, held out of competition their 
freshman year because of Proposition 
48, by taking away a year of their colle- 
giate athletic eligibility. Even while they 
are held out their first low them 
to practice with their teammates so that 
they may continue to develop their ath- 
letic skills as well as keep in touch with 
the sport that perhaps brought them to 
college in the first 
mandatory tutoring, ce 
drug education for Proposition 48 
student/athletes. Grant them fi 


many minority student/ath 
letes, failing to meet Proposition 48 
standards, are not even attempting to 
enroll in college, for fear of being 
branded “stupid.” Many coaches are ap- 
prehensive about recruiting these 
'oungsters, most of whom are black 
Some conferences 
tics have proposed 
Proposition 48 cases. For these 
Proposition 48 is the death of hope, a 
commodity already in too short supply 
mong the nations minority youth 


233 


a 


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tr due 
T we es TA 


PLAYBOY 


Mm. 


“Gimme a break! So 1 kept ya waiting a little longer than usual. . . . 


234 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Р | Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


E SS. 


au 


| 


REAL PEOPLE. 
REAL TASTE 


AMERICAS BEST. 


PLAYBOY 


na halba lal Season by academic rael 
bility, could be the other starting guard. H 


the chemistry is right, the Wolverines 
could dominate thc conference. 

Illinois, a perennial tournament disap- 
pointment, is again loaded with talent, 
with forwards Kenny Battle and Nick An- 
derson back from last season. Marcus Lil 
erty, the nation’s top prep player two years 
ago, who sat out last year because of Prop- 
osition 48, will contribute immediately. 

Ohio State is on the upswing, finishing 
20-13 last year and capturing second place 
the NLT. tournament. This season, 
coach Gary Williams has his best team 
since he joined OSU three years ago. 
Guard Jay Burson (18.9 p.p.g) is back, 
while Perry Carter and Grady Mateen 
provide the beef up front. 

For the past few years, Iowa coach ‘Tom 
Davis has successfully used a full-court 
constant-pressure цате bei the 
Hawkeyes were ten and 12 players deep 


and Davis could substitute freely. This 
year, he may have to adjust his strategy, be- 
cause lowa has only three experienced 
players—Roy Marble, B. J. Armstrong and 
Ed Horton—and a bunch of unproven un- 
derclassmen. 

Love him or hate him, Indiana's cnig- 
matic Bob Knight does things his way. He 
flirted with a move to New Mexico and 
then stayed in Bloomington. He sat for- 
ward Rick Calloway, an important member 
of Indiana's 1987 national champion team, 
so much last season that Calloway tr 
ferred to Kansas, He jerked Jay Edwards 
(15.6 p.p.g.) athletic scholarship when Ed- 
wards failed to live up to his standards, 
though Edwards vows to play his way back 
into the coach's favor. None of this is to 
ay that Knight is wrong. One certainty is 
that the Hoosiers, whichever players they 
put on the floor, will be well coached. 

A lot of people, including coach Gene 
Keady, thought last season was Purdue's 
year to take it all, They weren't far from 
wrong, as the Boile 4 and 


makers wen 


ЖА? 


“As I understand it, you've 


been supplying countri 


sin the Soviet bloc, the 


Middle East and Asia with toys and gifts. My 
question: Who's funding your operation?” 


won the Big Ten but the season came 
to an abrupt end when Purdue lost to Kan- 
sas State 73—70 in the re 
Keady. who lost his three best players from 
last season, will build this 
around 6'9" c 


h Jud Heathcote 
ng class ever, but 
the players or two to devel: 
op. Until then, the tof 
the teams in the conference will have to 
play upset maker 


landed his 


BIG WEST 

The old Pacific Сс Athletic Associa- 
tion may have û new name, 
the-season conference sta 
to tell the 


gourmand, l 
runners and gu induding guards 
acey Augmon and Greg Anthony. The 
Runnin’ Rebels will win the conference in 
a walk. 

Utah State, Califor: 
and New Mexico State all have pla 
size and experience returning and will 
battle for second place. 


COLONIAL 


The parity in college basketball was nev- 
er more apparent than when Colonial 
champ Richmond knocked off Indiana 
and then Georgia Tech in the N.C.A.A 
tourney last year before falling to Temple. 
With star forward Peter Woolfolk graduat- 
cd, Riclunond will likely be replaced as 
conference king by George Mason. The 
Patriots have their own outstanding player, 
Kenny Sanders T 

The real star of the conference this yea 
will be Charles “Lefty” Driesell, the new 
coach at James Madison. Driesell, who may 
have shown some misguided loyalty and a 
propensity toward the unfortunate quote 
during the sad Len Bias episode at Mary- 
land, is still an outstanding b 
coach and will have | 
tending for national recognition 
ple of years. 


а cou- 


EAST COAST 


The East Coast Conference boasts some 
talented teams but could use more in- 
spired nicknames. Lehigh, last year's con- 
tourney champ, is the Engine 
our choice this season as the 
aces best team, is the Leopards. 
the Bisons; Drexel, the Drag- 
ons; Hofstra, the Flying Dutchmen; and 
Delaware, the Fightin’ Blue Hens. Even 
with players as good as Lafayette Otis El- 
lis (I7 ppg) and Drexels John Rankin 
(196 p.p.g. these teams aren't going very 
conference time until they get som 
nicknames that strike terror into their 
opponents’ hearts . . . like ‘Tarheels or 
Ам, never mind. 


EC AG NORTH ATLANTIC 


on, tiny Siena College (enroll- 
ment 2600) won the E.C.A.C. North 


Atlantic regular conference schedule (16-2). 
But it lost a chance for an N.C.A.A, tour- 
ament berth when it got knocked off by 
lowly New Hampshire (3-15) in its own 
conference post-season tourney, Siena 
should get a second chance this year, be- 
cause all five starters from last season re- 
turn. Boston University (23-8), which 
picked up the N.C.A.A. bid Siena failed to 
capture, will again be ready 10 step 
winner's role if the Indians falter 


IVY LEA 


comeback, 
exactly the 


In the Iv 
you have a ri 
trick coach Paul has pulled off 
Dartmouth. € nier learned his magic 
from his high school coach back in Lex 
ton, Massachusetts, a roly-poly guy named 
Rollie Massimino. 

Dartmouth, which finished second to 
Cornell last s two of its main cogs 
arton (24.4 p.p-g.) and 


you don't make 


71" Walt 

Pennsylvania's Walt Frazier, the son of 
the former New York Knicks great, should 
lead the Quakers to a second-spot finish. 
Princeton and Harvard round out the best 
of the top-bracket Ivy teams. 


METRO 

Was the Metro strong last year? Try thi 
Louisville, 94 wins; Memphis State, 2 
Florida State, South Carolina, Virginia 
Tech and Southern Mississippi, 19 wins 
each. The strongest of strong in the Metro 


this ar is Denny Crum’s tadentladen 
Loui m can be a 
domi eps his head on 


straight. He led the Cardinals last year in 
scoring (176 p.p.g), rebounding (8.3 r-p-g) 
and blocked shots (102). Crum also has 
sophomore guard LaBradford Smith, sev- 
en-foot Felton Spencer, plus Tony Kimbro, 
who sat out last season for academic rea- 
sons, With the cool Crum at the helm, the 
Cardinals could be Final Four material. 

Florida State has more than just 
football team this year. They 
starters from last years hoops 
acked up an 84.3-point offensive average. 
George McCloud (18.2 p.p.g) and Tony 
Dawson (179 p.p.g.) join center Tat Hunter, 
who, at only 6/7", led the conference * 
bounding (94 r.p.z.). 

Memphis State coach Larry Finch 
pulled his magicians act again last season. 
His two best players, Marvin Alexand 
and Sylvester Gray, were both declared in- 
eligible before Christmas, and yet the 
Tigers sull managed a 20-win season. 
MSU: ide game will be strong. but 
5 arolina's 
coach George Felton signed his best-ever 
group of recruits, including Troy McKoy 


out of East Hartford, Connecticut, but the 
Gamecocks may still be a year or two away. 
Virgi lech has one of the best back- 


court combinations in the nation in Vernell 
"Bimbo" Coles (24.2 p.p.g.) and Wally Lan- 
caster (234 p.p.g). Unfortunately, the 


Hokies dont have the talent in the front 
court to match. 


METKO ATLANTIC 


If it weren't for one player, Lionel Sim- 
mons of La Salle, the Metro Atlantic would 
be an evenly matched conference top to 
bottom. Simmons, who already has N.B.A. 
ng, led the Explorers in scor- 
rebounding (11.4 r.p.g.), 
eals. In other words, he can 


blocks and 
do it all—or at least enough to win the con- 


ference title for La 
St. Peters, a 20-game winner last year, 
returns four starters and a stingy defen- 
sive game. Holy Cross will improve, as it 
returns all five of last season's starters. 


MID-AMERICAN 


The Mid-American Conference shapi 
up as a three-team race this season. Give 
the edge to Ohio U y because of for- 
ward Paul “Snoopy” Graham, who aver- 
aged 20 p.p.g last year and figures to be 
the best all-round player in the M.A.C. thi 

season. Western Michigan has all five of 
last season's starters back. The Broncos will 


р.р. last season). Rick Majerus 

cellent coaching job at Ball State last уса 

getting the Cardinals to 14-14 on 

talent. Majerus has more to work with this 

season, though Ball State may still need 
nother year to gel 


MID-CONTINENT 


Coach Charlie Spoonhours Southwest 
Missouri State team won the Mid-C 
nent title last year on the offensive skills of 


Stan Worthy and Kelby Stucl Worthy 
has departed, but Stuckey (15.8 p.p.g) is 
back, along with Hubert Henderson, a 
610" transfer from Mississippi State. The 
Bears will breeze to another conference ti- 
tle in "89. 

Senior Ken "Mouse" McFadden, one of 
the best point guards in the country, 
thought he would lead Cleveland State to a 
berth in the N.C.A.A. tournament. u 
year, but the N.C.A.A. slapped CSU with a 
two-year ban on post-season play for re- 
cruiting violations. Second-year coach Bob 
Hallberg was disappointed in the per 
formance of Minois-Chicago (8-20) last 
year. Darren Guest, a 69" center who 
transferred from Auburn to Chicago State 
to UIC, will try to make the best of his last 
year of eligibility. 


MIDEASTERN 


Last year, North Carolina A & T walued 
through the Mideastern regular confer- 
ence schedule (16-0) and won the confer- 
ence tourney before falling to Syracuse in 
the N.C.A.A. first round, 69-55. This year, 


try to cut in on A & Ts succes 
olina State, led by Radney Mi 
aged an amazing 13.3 гр.д. last year, could 
sneak by the two front runners if seven- 
foot center George Paulk lives up to expec- 
tations. 


MIDWESTERN 


At St. Louis, the feeling is that it’s time to 
succeed. The Billikens have four starters 
back from last, year's 14-14 squad, and 
coach Rich Grawer nabbed top junior col- 
lege player Tony Manuel, a 6'9" forward. 

St. Louis’ strongest competition will 


uni 


rsity. 
This 


Honor Society. 


Honorable mentions: Alec Kessler (Georgia), Steve Rothert (Army), Willie 
Haynes (St. Peter's), Rick Hall (Ball State), Michael Smith (Brigham Young), 
Mark Griffin (Tennessee), Scott Haffner (Evansville), Terry Taylor (Stanford), 
Dan Conway (Utah State), Jim Rhode (Idaho State), Kevin Presto (Miami), Bar- 
ry Goheen (Vanderbilt), Robyn Davis (Wyoming), Joe Calavita (Vermont), Jeff 
McCool (New Mexico State), Wes Lowe (Texas Tech), Matt Roe (Syracuse), Ed 
Fogell (Penn State), Carl Nichols (Mississippi State), Mike Vreeswyk (Temple), 
Mike Butts (Bucknell), Joe Gottschalk (Navy), Michael Rios (Niagara), Bobby 
Reasbeck (Marist), Mark Dobbins (Konsos State). 


ANSON MOUNT SCHOLAR/ATHLETE 


he Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award recognizes ochievement beth in 
the classroom and on the bosketball court. Nominated by their universi- 
ties, the candidates are judged by the editors of Playboy on their colle- 
giate scholastic and athletic accomplishments. The award winner attends 
Playboy's pre-season All-America Weekend, this year held at the Sheraton 
World Resort in Orlando, Florida, receives a bronzed commemorative medal- 
lion and is included in the team photograph published in the magazine. In ad 
tion, Playboy awards $5000 to the general scholarship fund of the winner's 


year’s Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award in basketball goes to Derek 
Wilson of Coastal Carolina College. Wilson is a 6'6" forward ond last year 
averaged 14.8 points and 6.2 rebounds per game. He was chosen Big South 
Player of the Year last season. Derek, cı senior this year, is an accounting major 
with a 3.45 grade-point average last year He has received Coastal Carolina's 
Minority Leadership Award and has been nominated to Omicron Delta Kappa 


237 


PLAYBOY 


m last year's conference champ, 
г has talent but will miss four- 


come fr 


Xavier. 
year scoring leader Byron Larkin. 

Loyola-Chicago's chances for a succe 
ful scason were diminished when Kenny 
Miller, one of the leading rebounders in 
the nation last year (13.6 r.p.g), encoun- 
tercd academic difficulties. 

An independent for 82 years, Dayton 
opens its first season with the Midwestern: 
Conference. Coach Don Donoher, who last 
year had an uncharacteristic losing season 
(13-18), will try to build confidence into a 
team that starts only one senior. 


MISSOURI VALLEY 
Wichita State, which played second fid- 
dle to Bradley last year, is a clear favorite to 
take the title. The Shockers have added 
6’ 10" freshman Phil Mendelson to comple- 
ment 6' 10" Sasha Radunovich in the mid- 
dle. Coach Eddie Foglers team, which has 
won 30 out of 32 at home, is one of the na- 
tion's top ten (453) three-point teams. 


NORTHEAST 

If you dont think great players are 
turned out by the little conferences, just 
watch Rik Smits, the N.B.A.s second pick 
overall, hit the big time. Smits, a 74" im- 
port from Holland by way of tiny Marist 
College, was the Northeasts (formerly the 
E.C.A.C. Metro) premiere player. Even 
with Smits, Marist could only tie Fairleigh 


Dickinson's 13-3 conference record. FDU 
got the tournament spot because Marist is 
on an N.C.A.A. probation that bans it from 
post-season play for two years. 

There is no dominant player in the con- 
ference this season, but there are some 
evenly matched teams. Monmouth gets the 
nod for the conference title because of four 
returning starters and last year’s confer- 
ence Coach of the Year, Wayne Szoke. Fair- 
leigh Dickinson will continue its “press and 
mess" running style, despite the gradua- 
tion of forward Damari Riddick. 


OHIO VALLEY 


Not an Ohio Valley Conference fan? 
Maybe you ought to adjust your satellite 
dish or tune in ESPN late at night, because 
the O.V.C. has three teams that could sur- 
¢ some big-name schools in post-sea- 
son play. 

Murray State, which gave national 
champ Kansas all it could handle in the 
N.C.A.A. second round (61-58), returns 
four players, including forward Jeff Mar- 
tin, one of ıhe best-kept secreis in ıhe 
country, Martin, who averaged 26 pp.g. 
last year, is the leading returning career 
scorer in the nation. The Racers also have 
one of the best under-six-foot players in 
the country in Don Mann (177 p.p.g.). 

Middle Tennessee couldn't get by Mur- 
ray State in the conference even with a 
23-11 over-all record but did beat Tennes- 
see (85—80) and Georgia (69-59) in the 


“This seems to be pretty comprehensive. The 


crystal ball shows you m 


ng a stranger of average 


height; the tarot cards say he’s the media director of a 
small agency; and, according to the computer, his 
Social Security number begins with 093.” 


МАЛ: Four returning starters, including 
Chris Rainey (16.6 p.p.s.), plus junior col 
lege transfer Kevin Wallace, make the 
Blue Raiders a force to be reckoned with. 

Last but not least of the ОМС big 
three is Tennessee Tech, which returns all 
five starters from last season. Forward Earl 
Wise (178 p.p.g) is the second-best player 
(after Murray State’s Martin) in the confer- 
ence. Milos Babic, a scven-foot center from 
Yugoslavia, gives the Golden Eagles plenty 
of muscle in the middle 


FAC 10 


Arizona sent a message loud and clear 
last season: “The West is back.” The Wild- 
cats beat Michigan and Syracuse early in 
the Great Alaska Shootout and then 
proved it was no fluke by finishing the sea- 
son with a 35-3 record. Coach Lute Olson, 
who coaches as well as he dresses, called 
the shots, and Steve Kerr and Playboy All- 
America Sean Elliott made them all the 
way to the Final Four before the Oklahoma 
juggernaut derailed the Wildcats’ dreams 
of a national title. The dream isn't dead, 
because Elliott is back. Says Olson, “We 
want to put the best four players on the 
floor with Elliott, regardless of position.” 
Two wide-body freshmen, Sean Rooks and 
Mark Georgeson, each 6'11” and 
pounds, give Arizona better size inside, 
and underpublicized Anthony Cook (13.9 
P-P-g.) will continue to improve. 

Arizona will not go unchallenged in the 
Pac 10. Stanford, which won 21 games last 
year, has four starters back, including 
Playboy All-America lodd Lichu. With 
Howard Wright (157 p.p.g) at forward 
and lerry Taylor, a deadly three-point 
shooter, at guard, this could be Stanford's 
best team ever. 

Oregon State will make coach Ralph 
Miller's final season an exciting onc. Miller, 
who before his induction into the Basket- 
ball Hall of Fame last April announced 
that the coming season would be his last, 
has 652 wins in 37 seasons. The Beavers, 
who won 20 games without a player over 
66" in the starting line- have found 
some size in 0'10” freshman center Scott 
H Gary Payton, with 459 assists in 
two seasons, is the team leader and one of 
the best junior guards in the country. 

Jim Harrick is the new coach at UCLA. 
Previously at Pepperdine, Harrick inherits 
two outstanding players in guard Jerome 
“Pooh” Richardson and forward Trevor 
Wilson. The Bruins’ lack of success in re- 
cent years will give Harrick a chance to 
succeed. The winning tradition of the 
Wooden years has finally become history: 

Arizona State, Oregon, Washington and 
Washington State are all a notch or two be- 
low the top contenders, but all have a 
chance to win more games than they lose. 


SOUTHEA 


STERN 


105 the year of the departed stars in the 
S.E.C. Gone are Kentucky's Rex Chapman 
and Winston Bennett, LSU' Jose Vargas, 
Auburn's Chris Morris, Florida's Vernon 


I love museums. 
Ive been to Cooperstown 
ee times. 


Cognac 
Henness 


Ihe т ofthe CT Rogue. 


240 


PROJECTED 1989 MEN'S BASKET 


AMERICAN SOUTH 
*]. LOUISIANA TECH 4. LAMAR 
2. ARKANSAS STATE — 5. PAN AMERICAN 
3. SOUTHWESTERN 6. NEW ORLEANS 
LOUISIANA 


STANDOUTS: Randy White, Byron Newton (Louisiana 
Tech); John Tate (Arkansas State): Kevin Brooks, Sydney 
Grider (Southwestern Louisiana); Freddie Williams, An- 
thony Bledsoe (Lamar); Lee Boddie, Melvin Thomas 
(Pan American); Willie Richardson (New Orleans) 


ATLANTIC COAST 
*1 DUKE *5. NORTH CAROLINA 
*2 NORTH CAROLINA STATE 
*3. GEORGIA TECH 6. MARYLAND 
*4. CLEMSON 7. VIRGINIA 
8. WAKE FOREST 


‘STANDOUTS: Danry Ferry, Robert Brickey, Quin Snyder 
(Duke); J. R. Reid, Jeff Lebo (North Carolina): Tom Ham- 
monds, Dennis Scott (Georgia Tech); Elden Campbell 
(Clemson); Chucky Brown, Chris Corchiani (North 
lina State); Richard Morgan, John Crotty (Virginia); 
Sam Ivy (Wake Forest) 


ATLANTIC TEN 
*1 TEMPLE 7. ST. BONAVENTURE 
2 WEST VIRGINIA 8. GEORGE 
3. RHODE ISLAND WASHINGTON 
4, ST JOSEPH'S 9 RUTGERS 
5. PENN STATE 10. MASSACHUSETTS. 
6. DUQUESNE 


‘STANDOUTS: Mark Macon, Mike Vreeswyk (Temple); Dar 
‘yl Prue, Chris Brooks (West Virginia); Kenny Green, 
John Evans (Rhode Island); Henry Smith, James Owens 
(St. Josephs): Tom Hovasse, Ed Fogell (Penn Stato), 
Clayton Adams. Collins Dobbs (Duquesne): Rocky 
Lewellyn (St. Bonaventure): Ellis McKennie. Glen Sitney 
(George Washington); Tom Savage. Anthony Duckett 
(Rutgers); David Brown (Massachusetts). 


BIG EAST 
*1, GEORGETOWN. 6. PITTSBURGH 
*2 SYRACUSE 7. SETON HALL 
*3 VILLANOVA 8. BOSTON COLLEGE. 
*4 ST JOHNS 9, PROVIDENCE 
*5 CONNECTICUT 


STANDOUTS: Charles Smith, Mark Tillmon, Alonzo 
Mourning. John Turner (Georgetown) Sherman Douglas, 
Derrick Coleman. Billy Owens (Syracuse): Doug West. 
Kenny Wilson, Tom Greis (Villanova); Greg "Boo" Har- 
меу, Matt Brust, Jayson Williams (SL Johns); Cliff Rob- 
inson, Phil Gamble (Connecticut); Sean Miller, Rod 
Brookin, Brian Shorter (Pittsburgh), John Morton, Ra- 
mon Ramos (Seton Hall); Dana Barros, Steve Benton (Bos- 
ton College); Marty Conlon, Eric Murdock (Providence). 


BIG EIGHT 
*1. OKLAHOMA 5. KANSAS STATE 
72. MISSOURI 6. KANSAS 
“3. OKLAHOMA STATE — 7. NEBRASKA 
24. IOWA STATE 8. COLORADO 


STANDOUTS: Stacey King, Daron “Mookie” Blaylock, An- 
dre Wiley (Oklahoma); Doug Smith, Byron Irvin (Missou- 
ri); Richard Dumas (Oklahoma State); Elmer Robinson 
(lowa State); Steve Henson (Kansas State); Pete Man- 
ning (Nebraska); Brian Robinson (Colorado). 


BIG SKY 
*1 IDAHO 6. IDAHO STATE 
2. BOISE STATE 7. MONTANA STATE 
3. MONTANA 8. NORTHERN ARIZONA 
4. WEBER STATE 9 EASTERN 
5. NEVADA-RENO WASHINGTON 


STANDOUTS: Raymond Brown, James Fitch (Idaho) 
Chris Childs, Wilson Foster (Boise State); Wayne Tinkle 
(Montana). Rico Washington, Timmy Gibbs (Weber 
Stale): Darryl Owens (Nevada-Rero): Jim Rhode (Idaho 
State); Mike Fellows (Montana State): Scott Williams 
(Northern Arizona). 


BIG SOUTH 
*1 WINTHROP 5 NORTH CAROLINA 
2. CANPBELL ASHEVILLE 
3. RADFORD 6. AUGUSTA 
4, BAPTISI 7. COASTAL CAROLINA 


STANDOUTS: Greg Washington. Shaun Wise (Winthrop): 
Henry Wilson, Brad Childress (Campbell); Aswan Wain- 
wright. Ron Shelburne (Radford); Heder Ambroise 
(Baptist): Milton Moore, Brandt Williams (North Caro- 
lina~Asheville); Tim Daniels, Vincent Jackson (Augus- 
la); Derek Wilson (Coastal Carolina) 


BIG TEN 
*1. MICHIGAN: *b.PURDUE 
ка 7. WISCONSIN. 
*3. OHIO STATE 8. MICHIGAN STATE 
*4. IOWA 9 NORTHWESTERN 
*5. INDIANA 10. MINNESOTA. 


STANDOUTS: Glen Rice, Rumeal Robinson. Terry Mills 
(Michigan); Kenny Battle, Nick Anderson, Lowell Hamil- 
ton, Kendall Gill (Minos); Jay Burson, Perry Carter 
(Ohio State): Roy Marble, В. 1. Armstrong. Ed Horton 
Пома); Jay Edwards (Indiana): Melvin McCants. 
Steve Scheffler (Purdue); Trent Jackson, Danny Jones 
(wisconsin); Ken Redfield, Steve Smith (Michigan 
State); Walker Lambiotte, Brian Schwabe (Northwest- 
ern); Richard Coffey, Willie Burton (Minnesota), 


BIG WEST 
^1. NEVADA- LAS VEGAS 6. SAN JOSE STATE 


2. UTAH STATE 7. CALIFORNIA-IRVINE 
3. CALIFORNIA. 8. LONG BEACH STATE 
SANTA BARBARA 9 CAL STATE-FULLERTON 


4. NEW MEXICO STATE 10. UNIVERSITY OF THE 
5. FRESNO STATE PACIFIC 


STANDOUTS: Stacey Auginon, Greg Anthony, David But- 
ler (Nevada- las Vegas); Dan Conway Reid Newey 
(Utah State); Carrick DeHart (Califomia-Santa Bar 
bara); Willie Joseph (New Mexico State): Jervis Cole 
(Fresno State); Dietrich Waters (San Jose State); Kevin 
Floyd (California-Irvine). Andre Pury (Long Beach 
State); Domingo Rosario (University of the Pacilic). 


COLONIAL 
* 1. GEORGE MASON 5. AMERICAN 
2. NORTH CAROLINA- 6. JAMES MADISON 
WILMINGTON 7. EAST CAROLINA 
“NAVY 8. WILLIAM & MARY 
4. RICHMOND 


STANDOUTS: Kenny Sanders, Steve Smith (George Ma 
son). Larry Hower Greg Bender (North Caroli 
na-Wilmington); Byron Hopkins (Navy); Ken Atkinson 
(Richmond). Mike Sumner (American): Claude Ferli- 
rand (James Madison); Blue Edwards (East Carolina). 


EAST COAST 
*1 LAFAYETTE 5 DELAWARE 
2. BUCKNELL 6. HOFSTRA 
3. DREXEL 7. AEHIGH 
4. TOWSON STATE 8. RIDER 


STANDOUTS. Otis Ellis (Lafayette): Mike Butts (Buck- 
rell); John Rankin (Drexel): Kelly Williamson (Towson 
State); Elsworth Bowers (Delaware), Frank Walker (Hot 
stra); Scott Layer (Lehigh); Jim Cleveland (Rider). 


E.C.A.C. NORTH ATLANTIC 


*1. SIENA 6. HARTFORD 
2. BOSTON UNIVERSITY 7. CANISIUS 


3. NORTHEASTERN 8 VERMONT 
4. NIAGARA 9 COLGATE 
5. MAINE 10. NEW HAMPSHIRE 


STANDOUTS: Marc Brown. Rick Williams (Siena): Jeff 
Timberlake, Russell Jarvis (Boston University); Derrick 
Lewis, Barry Abercrombie (Northeastern); Eldridge 
Moore, Mark Henry (Niagara); Reggie Banks (Maine) 
Keith Jones (Hartford); Marvin Bailey (Canisius). Joe 
Calavita (Vermont): David Crittenden (Colgate): Derek 
Counts (New Hampshire) 


IVY LEAGUE 
*1. DARTMOUTH 5. COLUMBIA 
2. PENNSYLVANIA 6. CORNELL 
3. PRINCETON 7. BROWN 
4. HARVARD 8 YALE 


‘STANDOUTS: lim Barton (Dartmouth); Wall Frazier 
(Pennsylvania): Bob Scrabis, Kit Mueller (Princeton); 
Neil Phillips, Ralph James (Harvard); Malt Shannon 
(Columbia), Josh Wexler (Cornell); Marcus Thompson 
(Brown): Dean Campbell (Yale) 


METRO 


5. VIRGINIA TECH 
6. SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI 
7 CINCINNATI 


*1. LOUISVILLE 

*2 FLORIDA STATE 

3. MEMPHIS STATE 
4. SOUTH CAROLINA 


STANDOUTS: Pervis Ellison, LaBradford Smith, Tony 
Kimbro, Felton Spencer (Louisville); George McCloud. 
Tory Dawson (Florida State); Eihot Perry (Memphis 
State); John Hudson, Terry Dozer (South Carolina); Ver 
пей "Bimbo" Coles, Wally Lancaster (Virginie Tech): 
Randy Pettus (Southern Mississippi. 


METRO ATLANTIC 
*1 LA SALLE 5. FAIRFIELD 
2. ST. PETER'S 6. IONA 
3. HOLY CROSS T. ARMY 
4. FORDHAM 8. MANHATTAN 


‘STANDOUTS: Liorel Simmons (La Salle): Willie Haynes. 
Sean Moseby (St. Peters): Glenn Tropf, Glenn Williams 
(Holy Cross); Joe Paterno, Dan O'Sullivan (Fordham); 
Troy Bradford. Tom Scuen (fairfield): Nestor Payne, 
Sean Green (lona); Derrick Canada. Ron Wilson (Army). 


MID-AMERICAN 


*1 OHIO UNIVERSITY 6. BOWLING GREEN 

2 WESTERN MICHIGAN 7 CENTRAL MICHIGAN 
3. BALL SIATE 8 TOLEDO 

4 EASTERN MICHIGAN 9. KENT STATE 

5. MIAMI UNIVERSITY 


STANDOUTS: Paul "Snoopy" Graham (Ohio University) 
Mark Brown (Western Michigan): Curtis Kidd (Ball 
State); Howard Chambers (Eastern Michigan); Jim Paul 
(Miami University): Lamon Pippin (Bowling Green) 
Carter Briggs (Central Michigan): Fred King (Toledo), 
Reggie Adams (Kent State) 


MID-CONTINENT 


^L. SOUTHWEST 5. WISCONSIN-GREEN BAY 
MISSOURI STAIE 6. NORTHERN IOWA 

2. CLEVELAND STATE 7. WESTERN ILLINOIS 

3. ILLINOIS CHICAGO 8 VALPARAISO 

4. EASTERN ILLINOIS 


‘STANDOUTS: Kelby Stuckey. Lee Campbell, Hubert Hen- 
derson (Southwest Missouri State); Ken “Mouse” Mc- 
Fadden, William Stanley (Cleveland State); Demck 
Johnson. Darren Guest (Illinois-Chicago): James Par- 
ker, Jason Reese (Northern lowa): Bob Smith (Western 
Minois). Jim Ford (Valparaiso) 


BALL CONFERENCE STANDINGS 


MIDEASTERN 


*1. FLORIDA A £ M 5 HOWARD 
2 NORTE CAROLINA 6. COPPIN STATE 


A 7. DELAWARE STATE 

3. SOUTH CAROLINA — 8. BETHUNE-COOKMAN 
‘STATE 

4. MORGAN STATE 


9. MARYLAND-EASTERN 
SHORE 
‘STANDOUTS: Leonard King (Florida A & М); Carlton Bec- 
ton (North Carolina A & Т); Rodney Mack (South Caroli- 
па State); Damone Williams (Morgan State); Phil Booth 
(Coppin State); Paul Newman (Delaware State). 


MIDWESTERN 
*1. SI LOUIS 5. EVANSVILLE 
2 XAVIER 6 BUTLER 


3. LOYOLA-CHICAGO 7. DETROIT 
4. DAYTON 


STANDOUTS. Tony Manuel, Anthony Bonner (St. Louis); 
Stan Kimbrough, Derek Strong (avier): Gerald Hayward 
(Loyola Chicago); Anthony Corbitt (Dayton): Scott 
Найпег (Evansville): Darren Fowlkes (Bullen: Daran 
McKinney Detroit) 


MISSOURI VALLEY 
^1. WICHITA STATE. 5. BRADLEY 
2.INDIANASTATE — 6. ILLINOIS STATE 
3. CREIGHTON 7. DRAKE. 


4. SOUTHERN ILLINOIS 8 TULSA 


STANDOUTS: Sasha Radunevich, Joe Griffin (Wichita 
State); Eddie Bird (Indiana State); James Farr (Creigh- 
on) Kai Numberger (Southern Illinois); Anthony 
Manuel (Bradley): Jarrod Coleman (Ilinois Statel: Bart 
Friedrick (Drake); Ray Wingard (Tulsa). 


NORTHEAST 
*]. MONMOUTH 6. LOYOLA-MARYLAND 
2. FAIRLEICH 7. SL FRANCIS- 
DICKINSON PENNSYLVANIA 
3. ROBERT MORRIS в. WAGNER 
4. LONG ISLAND 9. ST FRANCIS- 
5. MARIST NEW YORK 


STANDOUTS: Fernando Sanders, Harrie бат (Mon- 
mouth); Charlie Roberts (Fairleigh Dickinson); Vaughn 
Luton (Robert Morris), Freddie Burton (Long Island). 
Miroslav Pecarski (Marist); Michael Mornson (Loycla- 
Maryland). Joe Anderson (St. Francis Pennsylvania). 


OHIO VALLEY 


^1. MURRAY STATE 5. EASTERN KENTUCKY 
*2. MIDDLE TENNESSEE 6. MOREHEAD STATE 
3. TENNESSEE TECH 7. TENNESSEE STATE 

4. AUSTIN PEAY 


STANDOUTS: Jeff Martin, Don Mann (Murray State) 
Chris Rainey, Randy Henry (Middle Tennessee); Earl 
Wise, Anthony Avery (Tennessee Tech); Darrin O'Bryant 
(Eastern Kentucky); Darrin Hale (Morehead State). 


PACIFIC TEN 
*]. ARIZONA 6 OREGON 
*2. STANFORD 7. WASHINGTON STATE 
*3. OREGON STATE 8. WASHINGTON 
+4, UCLA 9 CALIFORNIA 


S ARIZONA STATE — 10. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA 


STANDOUTS: Sean Elliott, Anthony Cook (Arizona); Todd 
lici, Howard Wright (Stanford); Gary Payton, Will 
Brantley (Oregon State); Jerome “Pooh” Richardson, 
Trevor Wilson (UCLA); Tarence Wheeler, Mark Becker (Ar 
izona State): Randy Grant, Marzel Price (Oregon): Brian 
Quinnelt, Brian Wright (Washington Stato), Eldridge 
Recasner, Mike Hayward (Washington): Leonard Taylor 
Keith Smith (California); Chris Moore, Ronnie Coleman 
(Southern California) 


SOUTHEASTERN 
“1. TENNESSEE 6. VANDERBILT 
+2, FLORIDA 7. AUBURN 
+3. KENTUCKY 8. ALABAMA 
“4. LOUISIANA STATE — 9 MISSISSIPPI STATE 
“5. GEORGIA 10. MISSISSIPPI 


STANDOUTS: Dyron Nix, Greg Bell (Tennessee); Dwayne 
Schintzius, Livingston Chatman (Florida); Eric Manvel, 
Leon Ellis (Kentucky) Ricky Blanton, Wayne Sims 
(Louisiana State); Alec Kessler, Pat Hamilton (Georgia): 
Barry Goheen, Barry Booker (Vanderbilt); John Caylor 
Derrick Dennison (Auburn); Michael Ansley (Alabama); 
Reginald Boykin, Greg Lockhart (Mississippi State): 
Gerald Glass, Tim Jumper (Mississippi). 


SOUTHERN 
^]. TENNESSEE- 4. VIRGINIA MILITARY 
CHATTANOOGA 5. FURMAN 
2. MARSHALL 6. APPALACHIAN STATE 


3 EAST TENNESSEE 7. THE CITADEL 
‘STATE 8. WESTERN CAROLINA 


STANDOUTS: Benny Green, Daren Chandler (Tennessee- 
Chattanooga), Jchn Taft, Andy Paul Williamson (Mar 
shall); Damon Williams, Ramon Williams (Virginia 
Military); David Brown (Furman); Leon Bryant (The 
Citadel): Bennie Goettie (Western Carolina). 


SOUTHLAND 
71. NORTH TEXAS STATE 6. NORTHWESTERN 


2. NORTHEAST STATE - LOUISIANA. 
LOUISIANA 7. SOUTHWEST TEXAS. 

3 SAM HOUSTON STATE — STATE 

4. TEXAS-ARLINGTON “8 STEPHEN Е AUSTIN 


5. MC NEESE STATE ‘STATE 


STANDOUTS. Ronnie Morgan, Deon Hunter (North Texas 

State): Anthony Jones (Northeast Louisiana): Tracy Pear: 

son (Sam Houston State); Willie Brand (Texas- 

Arlington), Anthony Pullard (McNeese State); Terrence 

Rayford (Northwestern State-Louisiana): Torgeir Bryn 

atte Texas State); Scott Dimak (Stephen F Austin 
tate). 


SOUTHWEST 
+1. TEXAS 5. HOUSTON 
“2. ARKANSAS 6. TEXAS TECH 
+3. TEXAS ARM 7. TEXAS CHRISTIAN 
^4. SOUTHERN 8. BAYLOR 
METHODIST 9.RICE 


STANDOUTS: Travis Mays, Alvin Heggs (Texas): Ron 
Huery, Mario Credit (Arkansas), Donald Thompson (Tex- 
as A 8 М); Kato Armstrong, Todd Alexander (Southern 
Methodist); Richard Hollis, Derrick Daniels (Houston); 
Sean Gay, J. D. Sanders (Texas Tech): John Lewis (Texas 
Christian). Michael Hobbs (Baylor): David Willie (Rice). 


SOUTHWESTERN 


*1. TEXAS SOUTHERN 6. JACKSON STATE. 
2. GRAMBLING STATE 7. MISSISSIPPI VALLEY 


3. ALCORN STATE STATE 
4. SOUTHERN 8. PRAIRIE VIEW 
5. ALABAMA STATE 


STANDOUTS: Fred West (Texas Southern); Joseph Miller 
(Grambling Slate); Roosevelt Tate (Alcom State); Daryl 
Battles (Southern); Demetrius Abram (Jackson State) 
Tim Pollard (Mississippi Valley State); Michael Ervin 


(Prairie View), 
SUN BELT 
“1. NORTH CAROLINA. — 4 SOUTH ALABAMA 
CHARLOTTE, 5. OLD DOMINION 
2. ALABANA. 6. WESTERN KENTUCKY 
BIRMINGHAM 7 JACKSONVILLE 
3. VIRGINIA 8. SOUTH FLORIDA 


COMMONWEALTH 


‘STANDOUTS: Byron Dinkins, Frank Persley (North Caroli- 
na-Charlotte); Reginald Turner, Larry Rembert (Ala- 
bama-Birmingham); Chus Cheeks, Antoine Ford 
(Virginia Commonwealth) Jeff Hodge, Junie Lewis 
(South Alabama); Anthony Carver (Old Dominion); Brett 
McNeal (Western Kentucky); Sean Byrd (Jacksonville): 
André Crenshaw (South Florida). 


TRANS AMERICA 
#1. ARKANSAS- 5. STETSON 
LITTLE ROCK €. GEORGIA STATE 
2. GEORGIA 7 MERCER 
SOUTHERN 8. HARDIN-SIMMONS 
3. TEXAS 9. HOUSTON BAPTIST 
SAN ANTONIO 10. SAMFORD 
4. CENTENARY 


‘STANDOUTS: James Scott. Johnnie Bell (Arkansas-- Little 
Rock), Jeff Sanders (Georgia Southern); Eric Cooper 
(Texas-San Antonio): Byron Steward (Centenary); 
Randy Anderson (Stetson); James Andrews, Chns Collier 
(Georgia State); Reggie Titus (Mercer); Sedrick Evans 
(Hardin-Simmons); George Christopher (Houston Bap 
tist): Arnold Hamilton (Samford) 


WEST COAST 


*1. LOYOLA-MARYMOUNT 5. GONZAGA 
2. PEPPERDINE. 6. SAN FRANCISCO 
3. ST. MARY'S 7. PORTLAND 
4. SANTA CLARA 8. SAN DIEGO 


STANDOUTS: Hank Gathers, Bo Kimble (Loyola-Mary- 
mount): Torr Lewis, Craig Davis (Pepperdine); Robert 
Haugen, Terry Burns (St. Marys): Doug Spradley, Jim 
McPhee (Gonzaga); Mark McCathrion (San Francisco). 


WESTERN ATHLETIC 


*]. NEW MEXICO 6 COLORADO STATE. 
*2. UTAH. 7. SAN DIEGO STATE 


“3. TEXAS-EL PASO 8. AIR FORCE. 
4. BRIGHAM YOUNG 9. HAWAI 
5. WYOMING 


SIANDOUIS: Charlie Thomas, Rob Loetfel (New Mexico): 
Mitch Smith, Watkins “Boo” Singletary (Utah); Tim 
Hardaway, Antonio Davis (Texas-El Paso). Michael 
Smith, Marty Haws (Brigham Young); Robyn Davis, 
Derek Tumer Kenny Smith (Wyoming): Pat Durham (Col- 
orado State). Mitch McMullen (San Diego State): Ray- 
mond Dudley (Air Force): Chris Gaines (Hawaii 


INDEPENDENTS 
*1 NOTRE DAME 10. DAVIDSON 
*2 DEPAUL 11. CHICAGO STATE 
3. MIAMI 12. CENTRAL FLORIDA 
4. MARQUETTE 13. WRIGHT STATE 
5. AKRON 14. CENTRAL CONNECTICUT 


6. MARYLAND 15. NICHOLLS STATE 
BALTIMORE COUNTY 16. NORTHERN ILLINOIS 

7. MISSOURI- 17. YOUNGSTOWN STATE 
KANSAS CITY 18. BROOKLYN 

8. US. INTERNATIONAL 19 SOUTHEASTERN 

9 ORAL ROBERTS. LOUISIANA 


STANDOUTS: Keith Robinson (Notre Dame): Stanley 
Brundy, Terence Greene (DePaul); Eric Brown, Dennis 
Burns (Miami); Tony Smith (Marquette); Eric McLaugh- 
lin (Akron): Kenny Reynolds (Maryland - Baltimore Coun- 
ty); Mark Oliver (Missouri-Kansas City); Steve Smith 
(US. international); Haywoode Workman (Oral Roberts): 
Laurent Crawford (Chicago State): Ben Morton (Central 
Florida), Rondey Robinson (Wright State); Bryan Heron 
(Central Connecticut); Donnell Thomas (Northern Ii- 
nois); Tim Jackson (Youngstown State): Stafford Riley 
(Southeastem Louisiana). 


*Ow predictions to make the N:C.A.A. post-season 
tournament. 


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s Willie Anderson and 

Vanderbilt's Will Perdue. In fact, the only 

team not to lose a key player from last sea- 

son is Tennessee, and that may give the 

Volunteers enough of an edge to win the 
nce. 

sees best n ayer, and E best 


picked up flashy {Сиш homp- 
son, to go alpng with seven returning vet- 
erans. 

Florida has the best true center in the 
conference in 7'2" Dwayne Schintzius. But 
the Gators will have to depend on fresh- 
man talent in the backcourt, and Schintz- 
ius has yet to prove he’s a consistent gamer. 

Always talenı-deep, Kentucky was su 
prised by guard Rex Chapman's decision 
10 go to the pros with two years of college 
eligibility remaining. Chapman's decision 
may have been influenced by the flap sur- 
rounding the infamous Emory Air Freight 
caper, in which $1000 allegedly found its 
way into a package sent to the father of a 
Kentucky recruit by a Kentucky as 
coach. An N.C.A.A. 
way. The Wildcats also lost two outstand- 
ing freshman гесг awn Kemp and 
Sean Woods, to Proposition 48. It will be a 
tough year in Lexington 

By seasons end, Louisiana State coach 
Dale Brown will have convinced himself, 
his players and the LSU fans that the 
igers are tournament material. It 
may be Brown's greatest sales job ever. The 
Tigers, already light on depth, lost five re- 
its to Proposition 48. 
The Georgia Bulldogs has 


one of their 


ft. Alec Kessler, а 6' 10" center, 
will be Georgia's st performer. 

Vanderbilt is going to find that life with- 
out Will Perdue is a lot less fun than life 
with him. Auburn is looking to a couple of 
junior college players, Kelvin Ardister and 
Kirt Hankton, to fill some big holes creat- 
ed by the departure of Chris Morris and 
Jeff Moore. 


SOUTHERN 


Marshall and "lennessee-Chattanooga 
battled down to the wire last year, with 
Marshall coming out on top in the confer- 
ence standings and UTC winning the con- 
ference tournament. Both got tournament 
ds and both made a first-round exit. 
With Marshall losing more talent to gradu- 
ation than UTC, give the edge this season 

Te ttanooga. 

UTCS best player is guard Benny Green 
(172 p.p.g.). M: 
high-scoring $ 
college transfer Gerry Strickland. Virgin- 
ia Military Institute will have opponents 
seeing double with its identical-twin ba 
court соп amon (16.3 
and Ramon (14.9 p.p.g.) Will 


SOUTHLAND 


Unless you're from deep in the heart of 
Texas, you probably haven't heard much 
about the Southland Conference. Round- 
ball is something to pass the time until the 
next football season rolls around. But the 
conference sports some intense competi- 
tion and а few outstanding athletes, and 
soon the Southland winner may go further 
than the N.C.A.A. tourney first round. 
North Texas, which lost conference Player 
of the Year Tony Worrell, will be hard- 
pressed to stay ahead of Northeast Louisi- 
ana and Sam Houston State. Northeast 
Louisiana has 6'3" swingman Anthony 
Jones, who finished third in ABC-TV’ 
Slam Dunk of the Ycar contest and high- 
jumped seven feet in his first track meet 
Sam Houston State has its own version of 
the round mound of rebound in T 
Pearson, a 6'8”, 290-pound behemoth. 


SOUTHWEST. 


Texas may not have to wait long for the 
hiring of coach Tom Penders to pay off. 
The Longhorns, who wooed him away 
from Rhode Island, where he had а 
sparkling 48—17 two-year record, have 
good basketball players ready to be better 
in Penders' system. 

Arkansas will provide Texas with its 
stiffest competition in the Southwest Con- 
ference, though Razorback forward Ron 
Huery’s status is questionable because of 
off-court problems. If Huery cant play, 
«оа Nolan Richardson will have to de- 
pend on 6'9" center Credit to carry 
the scoring and rebounding load. 

Southern Methodist, Texas A & M and 
Houston are all solid, except that there 
isn't a legitimate center among them. 


SOUTHWESTERN 


Texas Southern won 21 games last sea- 
son and, with four starters returning and 
the addition of a couple of outstanding 


junior college players, should improve on 
that victory total. 


after losing four starters from last years 
24-7 squad. 


SUN BELT 


There is an abundance of retu 
ent in the Sun Belt this season, 
of eight teams have legitimate conference- 
crown aspi 


ng tal- 
nd six out 


harlotte has return- 
er of the Year Byron 
Dinkins (21.5 p.p.g.), plus two outstanding 
freshman guards, Kenneth Wylie and 
Henry Williams. 

Birmingham will try to re- 
s traditionally strong inside 
ously took a vacation 
sfer Andy Kennedy from 
North Carolina State will provide outside 
scoring punch. 

a-Commonwealth has lost power 


3° 


EW COLOG) ° МЕМ FROM Ф РЕ 


EVERYONE 
NEEDS 
A HERO. 


© PRINCE MATCHABELL!, INC. 1988 — 


PLAYBOY 


244 


ic and John Thompson 
but has added seven-foot Georgia Tech 
transfer Antoine Ford. Guard Chris 
Cheeks (173 p.p.g.) also returns. 

Coach Ronnie Arrow of South Alabama 
has recruited some size to complement his 
two excellent gu s, Jeff Hodge (223 
рр) and Juni 5 (217 p.p.g.). IF his 
big men have any success, South Alabama 
will move higher in the standin, 

Old Dominion and Western Kentucky, 
our fifth and sixth picks in the conference, 
both have good talent and could easily 
finish higher in this very evenly matched 
group of six teams. 


players Phil Stin 


TRANS AMERICA 


Arkansas—Little Rock came perilously 

close to shutting down its entire athletic 
program last spring because of deficits to- 
taling more than $800,000. The sale of 
more than 5000 basketball season tickets 
and a restructuring of the athletic budget 
salvaged UALR athletics and gives the 
‘Trojans a chance at the conference title. 
With flashy guard James Scott, the chance 
a real one. 
Georgia Southern, perennially under- 
rated, has won at least 20 games in three of 
the past four seasons, and with Jeff 
Sanders, conference Player of the Year, re- 
turning, it may be underrated again 

Texas-San Antonio, last year's confer- 
сє tournament champ, will miss Frank 
mptons 18 points a game. Coach Ke 
Burmeister will count on guard Eric Coop- 
er, a deadly three-point shooter, to take up 
the slack. 

Centenary, Stetson and Georgia State all 
return the bulk of their starters and any of 
them could make a run at the conference 
leaders. 


west COAST 
Loyola Marymount arrived as a big-time 


basketball power last season, Its fast-paced 
offense led the m in scoring (1103 


рв) and it posted the longest Division I 
winning streak (25) of the season, Former 
L.A. Laker coach Paul Westhead, who took 
over the Loyola Marymount program four 
years ago, has proved once that, with 
good coaching, there is enough basketball 
talent available to turn a school without 
name recognition into a national power. 
With two of their best players back in 
Hank Gathers (22.5 p.p.g.) and Bo Kimble 
(22.2 p.p.g.), the Lions will continue to put 
up big offensive numbers. 

Pepperdine, nestled next to the beach in 
Malibu, seems an unlikely spot for basket- 
ball, yet the Waves continue to put strong 
(cams on the floor, Forward Tom Lewis 
(22.9 p.p.z) is Pepperdine’ best player. St. 
Mary's and Santa Clara will be competi- 
tive, but no one will catch Loyola Mary- 
mount in this league. 


WESTERN ATHLETIC 


When New Mexico couldn't pry Bob 
Knight away from Indiana, it did the next 
best thing. It hired Dave Blis n 
Knight assistant at Army 
most recently head с 
Methodist. Blisss first order of business 
was persuading sophomore center Luc 
Longley, a 7'2” potential superstar from 
Perth, Australia, to return to the Lobos 
team. With Longley back, New Mexico 
should be good, since all si turn 
from last season except UNM all-time 
leading score: Hunter Greene. 

There are five other teams in the 
with a shot at the conference crown. Utah 
returns four starters, including Mitch 
Smith (14.6 p.p.g.). Two outstanding junior 
college play Mark Lenoir and Michael 
Bullock, will also help. Texas-El Paso will 
come on strong in late season when seven- 
foot Foster, a ui m UCLA, 

eligible. Brigham Young will go 
as Playboy All-America Michael 
Smith can take it nny Manning 
proved last year at at play- 


s 


“I hope you like fi 


er can sometimes take a team a long way 


Wyoming coach Benny Dees 10 find re- 
placements for Fennis Dembo and Eric 
Leckner, Junior college recruit Kenny 


Smith may be part of the answer. Colorado 
State will also be a contender, largely due 
to the scoring (193 p.p.) and rebounding 
am ж Pat Durham. 


in last year's N.1. T. tournament. 


INDEPENDENTS 


The Independents werent able to make 
much of a dent in either the N.C.A. 
nament or the national standings la 
son. DePaul won 22 games but 
man and couldn't get furthe 
tournaments second round. Notre 
was 20-9 overall but only 4-8 
teams that qualified for the tour 
Miami struggled to break 500 
quete (10-18) would like to forget 


season. 
Au Notre Dame this year, the color is 
green, not for Irish but for inexperience. 


Coach Digger Phelps has lost David Rivers 
and Gary Voce to graduation, Mark Ste- 
venson to a transfer. But this Irish team, 
without one senior on the roster, may be 
one of Phelps: g. Highly 
touted LaPhon Bennett, 
both freshmen, are the Notre Dame sta 
of the next few y 

DePaul coach Joey Meyer thought he'd 
have a shot at a top-ten ranking until point 
guard Rod Strickland, the best penetrator 
in college basketball season, decided to 
take an early exit for the pros. Forwards 
Stanley Brundy and Terence Greene are 
left carrying the load. 

Coach Bill Foster at Miami knows how 
Joey Meyer feels. Foster's Hurricanes also 
lost their most important player to an early 
exit to the N.B.A. Tito Horford, the 7'1” 
giant from the Dominican Republic, 
would have been better served by another 
year of experience in the college ranks 

According to Marquette coach Bob 
Dukiet, “What happened last year will ne 
er happen again.” Maybe he’s righ 
quette was beset by academic ineligi 
transfers and injuries. The plus side to the 
Warriors’ plight is that their young players 
got a lot of experience. 

Akron won 21 games last season but was 
snubbed by the post-season tournament 
committees because of a soft schedule. 
ach Bob Huggins has scheduled all Di- 
ion I competition thi: 

Other independents on the upswing: 
US, International; Oral Roberts, which is 


rs ago; Wright 
State; Chicago State; and Davidson, for- 
merly in the Southern Conference and 
rently looking for a conference affili- 
ation elsewhere 

Here's hoping your team wins. 


Веер, 


honk. 
toot. 


You'll have to forgive Merit smokers for blowing their own horns a bit. 
They've found a way to continue to enjoy everything they love about smoking. 
The rich, rewarding taste. The genuine satisfaction. Yet, at the same time, they're getting even 
less tar than with other leading lights. Fact is, Merit tastes as good or better 
than cigarettes with up to 38% more tar. Enriched Flavor™is the secret. 
Only Merit has it. Though with all those Merit smokers, 
it won't be a secret for long. 


Enriched Flavor." low tar. ¡A solution with Merit. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, EON UN 
Emphysema, And Mey Complicate Pregnancy. 


Kings: 8 mg "tar." 0.6 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


245 


= Our distillery isrit as 
quaint as some. 
Fortunately it makes 
better bourbon. 


8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky: Y 


JAMES IMBFOGNO 


PLAYBO 


ON-*THE 


)) 


SCENE 


— NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER — 


new sense of style is creeping up on the men's- 
underwear industry. Oh, there was the boxer 
rebellion of a few years ago, when guys forsook their 
brief attachment in favor of shorts that resembled 
something Dagwood Bumstead would have been wearing 
when Mr. Dithers caught him with his pants down. Now there 


are a number of styles to choose from, including tight 
bicycle-racer looks that extend to mic-thigh and string bil 
that leave almost nothing to the imagination. (They also leave 
almost no underwear line on a tight-fitting pair of pants.) In 
between area variety of other cuts and colors to choose from. 
Anyway, it’s a whole new ball game. Hang in there, men. 


Clockwise from 12: White cotton- 
| jersey knit athletictank top, $8.50, 
Í 4 and cotton knit high-cut brief, 

$10, both by Calvin Klein Men's 
Underwear. Yellow cotton knit 
boxer shorts with wide elastic 
waistband, by Joe Boxer, about 
$16. Red cotton knit bikini with 
striped side panels, by Playboy 
Briefs, $5. Striped cotton knit 
high-cut brief with appliqué 
striping in front, $B, plus cotton- 
jersey knit tank top, $10, both 
by Claiborne Furnishings. Black 
silk-jersey knit brief, from Man 
Silk by Mary Green, $15. Nice 


GRAPEVINE — 


Unwrapped 

for the Holidays 

Actress TRACY DALOIAis giving us goose bumps 
and they're not from the winter weather. If you 
missed her in Thunder Alley at the movies, maybe 
you caught her on TV in the Flamingo Kid pilot. 
We'd rather catch her in all her Grapevine glory, 
waiting patiently for Santa and Rudolph. 


š 
B 


Colorized, 
Living Colour 
A guy named Jagger produced the demo 
tapes that got LIVING COLOUR a record deal. 
Vivid is the result. If you want music that won't fade, 

check out the group's primary colors. 


Blues in 

the Night 

First go back and listen 
to Tell Mama. Then get 
ETTA JAMES'S latest al- 
bum, Seven Year Ich. 
Now ask yourself why 
you don't hear Etta 
more often, She's hot! 


Carrack Col- 
lection, a com- 
pilation of his 
solo and 
Squeeze 
material. 


£ KEN SETTLE 


Ready, 
Aim, 
Fire! 
Singer PHIL- 
1P LEWIS of 
the L.A. Guns 
is dressed for 
success. The 
Guns’ album 
is going gold 
and the band 
has been the 
opening act 
for AC/DC 
with a big 
bang. 


Country Cousins 
DONNA SPANGLER (lef) and TRUDY 
ADAMS are actresses, models, wrestlers and 
cousins. Donna has appeared on TV in The 
Young and the Restless and Trudy had a fea- 
tured part in the movie Another Chance. 


8 


Flower Power 
Ex-Missing Person DALF BOZZIO has started over, solo. After the 
group disbanded in 1985, singer Bozzio took some time off to smell the 
flowers, then went off to make Riot in English with a little help from her 
friend Prince. The songs are originals, except for So Strong, a cut Prince 
wrote for the album. Things are coming up roses for Dale. 


250 


A ROSE IS A ROSE 
IS A BED ROSE 


The phrase long-stemmed 
beauty takes on a whole new 
meaning when applied to 
Bed Roses, a romantic prod- 
uct that resembles a real rose 
eral co 
the foil reworked 
csemble the petals of a 
In fact, at first glance, 
you can't tell Bed Roses Iron 
the garden variety. A bouquet 


yy delivery, sent to Bed 
Roses, PO. Box 264, 
Newhall, California 
(Or call 80: 
54 fora 
credit-card order.) 
Three Bed Roses are 
$28, one is $12.50 
nd a boutonnier 
Му $12. Trojans are 
the condom of choice 
at the heart of your bouquet 
Watch the roses grow! 


ON DONNER! ON BLITZEN! ON HARLEY! 


Perhaps the reindeer were indisposed that night,” suggests artist Tom 
Lovell when quizzed as to the r le behind his limited-edition (2500), 
signed and 11816" x 19° print North Country Rider, which depicts 
jolly old Saint Nick delivering presents atop a 100-hp motorcycle. Lovell's 
paintings are always rooted in fact, but with a twist. The Greenwich Work- 
shop. a publisher of limited-edition pe , is selling the print through its 
nationwide network for $95. A call to 800 51 will get you the n: 
of a dealer. W next from Lovell? Maybe the Easter bunny in a Ferr 


me 


POTPOURRI 


CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD 


Rich Uncle Pennybaj 
d after 50 years of silence, he has 
led the seerets of the world's most 
popular board game in The Monopoly 
Companion. a 200-page softcover that in 
dudes the history, trivia, anecdotes and 
strategies of the game. Why do the best 
‚ers avoid buying hotels for their prop- 
ties? Find out for $5.95. 


MONOPOL 


COMPANION 


"The Game From 
AtoZ 

Winning Tips 

E Trivia 


PUT THE HEAT ON 


When its winter in Chicago, we slip our 
hands into The Muff, a portable hand- 
warming system that’s an officially li 
censed N.EL. product developed by 
Oxy-Therm Products in Redondo Beach, 
California. All you do is open The Мий, 
serta heat pack or two and in about ten 
minutes, the system will begin to generate 
its own warmth, The Muff costs $2 
and a call to 800-4 ) will get you 
fast charge-card reli 


LIQUID FRENCH 
ASSETS 


‘This holiday season, Cour- 
voisicr has introduced the 

first edition of Collection Erté, 
a limited series of art-deco 
cognac decanters designed by 
Erté, the famous French artist, 
and filled with a blend of its 
older vintages—including one 
cognac that dates back to the 
year of Erté's birth, 1892 
Courvoisier claims that the 
production process for each 
bottle takes about a month, in- 
cluding hand-painting a gold 
vine leaf. Six other limited edi- 
tions vill follow, each with a dif- 
ferent design. The price for a 
bottle: $275. Drink up—slowly: 


MASCOTS ON PARADE 


The queen of England drives a 
Land Rover with a silver 
Labrador retriever on the 
hood. And if you went back to 
the Thirties, you'd see there 
was a hood ornament on virtu- 
ally every car produced. Mas- 
cots Unlimited imports a 
tremendous selection of Eng- 
lish-made mascots—every- 
thing from a jumping horse 
and jockey to the enameled 
Gentleman Fox pictured here. 
He's $303, postpaid, sent to 
Mascots Unlimited, PO. Box 


Customwork is also available, 
and Mascots’ catalog goes for 
three dollars. Our favorite is a 
terrier lifting its leg. 


A LITTLE CHRISTMAS 
MUSIK, PLEASE 


Visual Musik has just released 
a yuletide CD and chrome tape 
‚Christmas in Other Places, FE 
if there's anyone on your shop- 
ping list who's into "original 
secular Christmas music 
sparkled with Renaissance fl 
vors,” this is the ideal stoc 
stuffer. Drummer Ric Su 
is the composer and principal 
player; Midnight Dance of the 
Elves and For Snow are the 
cuts we like. The CD price is 
$15.95; chrome tape is $ 
It's а nice holiday listen that 
plays well all year round. 


NORTH TO ALASKA 


To celebrate Susan Butcher's win of the Iditarod 
sled-dog race across Alaska from Anchorage to 
Nome some months ago, Took Enterprises, PO. 
Box 1585, Nome, Alaska 99762, is selling Tshirts 
and sweat shirts that say ALASKA—LAND OF FAST 
WOMEN AND BEAUTIFUL DOGS. Colors available i 
clude pink, yellow, light blue, white and lavender. 
Tshirts are $13; sweat shirts are $20 (sizes small 
through extra-extra-large). We bet nobody else on 
your block will have one. 


LOOKS GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT 


Reynaldo Alcjandro's coffee-table book Restaurant 
Design (PBC International) is such a compelling 
collection of elegant establishments that once 
you've feasted your eyes on it, you may just skip 
dinner. The entries are divided into categories, 
including full service, bars and diners, among 
others. You can tour the country, visiting Key West 
in Boston and the Willow ‘Tea Room in Carmel, 
pictured here. The price: $50. One Restaurant 
Design to go! Eat it up! 


251 


252 


COMING NEXT: 


SURPRISING SEVENTIES 


Zu 
ANNIVERSARY HUNT 


THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AGO NEXT MONTH, A YOUNG MAN 
NAMED HUGH M. HEFNER ROLLED OUT THE FIRST 
ISSUE OF HIS MAGAZINE FOR THE URBAN MALE. IT 
WAS UNDATED, BECAUSE THE FLEDGLING PUBLISHER 
WAS UNSURE WHETHER MARILYN MONROE, SHOWN 
WAVING ON THE COVER, WAS SAYING HELLO TO 
LEGIONS OF NEW READERS OR GOODBYE TO HIS 
DREAMS OF LAUNCHING A NEW KIND OF SOPHIS- 
TICATED MEN'S MAGAZINE. THE FIRST PLAYBOY WAS A 
SELLOUT. AND THE REST, AS THEY SAY. IS HISTORY 


IN THE JANUARY 1989 ISSUE, WE COMMEMORATE 
PLAYBOY'S FOUNDING WITH A BLOCKBUSTER COL- 
LECTION OF THE BEST OF THE MAGAZINE'S FICTION, 
NONFICTION, CARTOONS, INTERVIEWS, ARTWORK AND 
PHOTOGRAPHY FROM FOUR FABULOUS DECADES. 


FROM ITS VERY START, PLAYBOY'S WRITERS AND ART- 
ISTS MADE, AND INFLUENCED, CULTURAL HISTORY. IN 
THE FIFTIES, JACK KEROUAC AND THE BEAT GEN- 
ERATION, LENNY BRUCE AND THE CAUSTIC COME- 
DIANS AND MARILYN MONROE AND HER UNDRAPED 
PLAYMATE SORORITY MADE PLAYBOY THE HOTTEST 
THING ON NEWSSTANDS EVERYWHERE 


ANNIVERSARY 


AMAZING EIGHTIES 


IN THE SIXTIES, THERE WAS BOND—JAMES BOND—IN 
A SERIES OF IAN FLEMING STORIES THAT BECAME 
CINEMA LEGENDS. AND SUCH WRITERS AS VLADIMIR 
NABOKOV, J. PAUL GETTY AND DR. MARTIN LUTHER 
KING, JR., MADE SENSE OF THOSE TUMULTUOUS 
TIMES, WHILE А HOST OF HUMORISTS, INCLUDING 
WOODY ALLEN, MADE NONSENSE OF THEM 


IN THE SEXY SEVENTIES, THE PLAYMATES HAD NOTH- 
ING TO LOSE BUT THOSE FINAL SCRAPS OF CLOTH- 
ING. AND AS THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND THE 
WATERGATE CONVOLUTION RUMBLED ACROSS THE 
COUNTRY, WE SORTED IT ALL OUT WITH SUCH DEC- 
ADE-DEFINING WRITERS AS JOHN UPDIKE, LARRY L. 
KING AND BOB WOODWARD AND CARL BERNSTEIN 


'ON WITH THE EIGHTIES, THE ERA OF REAGAN STAND- 
ING TALL AND MEESE SINKING LOW. AS THE COUN- 
TRY FELL INTO THE GRIP OF SEXUAL MC CARTHYISM, 
THE MAGAZINE MAINTAINED ITS CLEAR VOICE OF TOL- 
ERANCE AND INDIVIDUALISM, WITH THE HELP OF 
SUCH WRITERS AS TRUMAN CAPOTE AND ROBERT 
SCHEER, NOT TO MENTION OUR CLEAR-EYED VI- 
SIONS OF BO, MADONNA, VANNA AND JESSICA 


AND THOSE ARE JUST THE HIGHLIGHTS. THIS TIME, WHEN WE SAY NEXT MONTH'S ISSUE WILL CONTAIN MUCH, 
MUCH MORE, IT'S THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF FOUR DECADES. THERE'S A NEW PLAYBOY INTERVIEW WITH THE 


ACTOR WHO DOESNT GIVE INTERVIEWS, ROBERT DE NIRO, PLUS THE STUNNING WINNER OF THE HUNT TO END 
ALL PLAYMATE HUNTS. HELP US CELEBRATE PLAYBOY'S 35TH. THE FARTY CAN'T START WITHOUT YOU 


PLAYBOY'S GALA 35TH 
ISSUE 


A fifth of JB. 


= Maan | 


LIGHTS 


LOWERED TAR & NICOTINE 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


by FTC method.