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love (luv), n. 1. the pro- £
foundly tender or pas- ^
sionate affection for a
person of the opposite sex.
a feeling of warm personal at-
tachment or deep affection, as g$
for a parent, child or friend. 3. WES
sexual passion or desire, or its $
gratification. 4. a person toward
whom love is felt; beloved person;
sweetheart. 5. (used in direct ad-
dress as a term of endearment, affec-
tion or the like): Would you like to see
a movie, love? 6. a love affair; amour.
. (cap.) a personification of sexual affec-
tion, as Eros or Cupid. 8. affectionate
bh. concern for the well-being of others: a

ma love of little children; the love of ones
neighbor. 9. strong predilection or lik-
ing for anything: her love of books.

O. the object or thing so liked.

A SPECIAL
PLAYBOY ISSUE

0099;

3i o

JB neat.

J&B Scotch Whisky. Blended and bottled in Scotland by Justerini & Brooks, fine wine and spirit merchants since 1749.
To send a gift of J&B anywhere in the US, call 1-800-528-6148. Void where prohibited

PLAYBILL

CRICHTO

CREWS

AH. FEBRUARY: Month of the wind chill, the snowdrift, the cold
front. Just the time of year for some romantic warm-up. Hence,
in plenty of time for Valentines Day, the Love Issue of Playboy;
think of it as sexercise for the heartstrings. Under the guidance
of editor John Rezek, we offer an issue in which nearly every fea-
ture is on the complex, many-splendored subject of lov

First we take on those damnably persistent questions about a
vital blood-filled organ that is said not to function well in males.
Were speaking, of course, of Mens Hearts. Physician
novelist-film director Michael Crichton—of Andromeda Strain
fame—found man’s romantic pulse to be plenty strong, thank
you; women just have to be willing to listen and communicat

Denis Boyles, a co-author of The Modern Mans Guide to Life (fea-
tured in our December 1987 issue), is a prime source of solid
advice on things masculine. In A Thinking Mans Guide to Losing
Your Head, he shows how to fall in love without breaking your
heart or your bank account. The key: learning 10 control your
fall and protect your tender body parts.

Novelist Horry Crews—author, most recently, of The Knockout
Artist—speaks up for lust in The Wisdom of the Groin. His story of
a married friend, caught naked on the root while chasing a coed,
gets to the heart of loves true sell. In That Cheating Heart, Ben
Stein issues a ringing apologia to infidelity, seeing in it every man's
struggle with mort

Asa Beber is a double threat in this special issue, writing of
women and rejection in his Men column and contributing a short
story, Casanovas Ghost (illustrated by Dennis Mukai), about the
demons and angels who negotiate our

Elsewhere, you'll learn to fight fair in Rules of Engagement,
peck in on Courtships Weirder than Ours and find out, at last, How
lo Sleep with Women—all humorously illustrated by Everett Peck.
And what better time for the lusty, glorious Year in Sex?

Of course, all love and no work makes a dull Playboy, so we hit
the beat with investigative reporter Bob Woodward in this month's
interview. He sits down with J. Anthony Lukes, himself a two-time
Pulitzer Prize winner, for some sharp talk on sex and polit

Now, you may wonder whether Edito Chief Hugh M. Hefner's
engagement to Kimberley Conrad made us decide to launch a Love
Issue, We'll say this: It didn't hi

Forpeople
who like
to smoke...

FULL FLAVOR
Regular

16 mgtar” 1.0 mg nicotine av per cigarette, FTC Report Feb'85.

BENSON t HEDGES
1005

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

PLAYBOY

vol. 36, no. 2—lebruary 1989 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL esce 1
DEAR PLAYBOY A 7 7
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS . ....... E «diee De re n
SPORTS... DAN JENKINS 29
MEN. ... ASA BABER 30
WOMEN.. “CYNTHIA HEIMEL 32
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR . 35
DEAR PLAYMATES. ...... 38
THE PLAYBOY FORUM. 41

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BOB WOODWARD-candid conversation .*-
MEN'S HEARTS—orticle . . MICHAEL CRICHTON 68
SHAME-FREE HISTORY OF MAKING OUT pictorial. essay by DAN GREENBURG 72
LOVE NOTES. Ed
SOMETHING HAPPENS
COURTSHIPS WEIRDER THAN OURS .. .
HOW TO SLEEP WITH WOMEN . .DEANNE STILLMAN 86
JUST WHO WERE ABÉLARD AND HÉLOÍSE, ‘ANYWAY? D. KEITH MANO 86
HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN LOVE... ..compiled by JEAN PENN 87
THE WISDOM OF THE GROIN—essay. ..HARRY CREWS 8B
HEAT OF THE MOMENT fashion .HOLLIS WAYNE 90
CASANOVA'S GHOST—fiction. . . . ASA BABER 96
EDEN REVISITED—playboy's playmate of the month
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor . 5 ie
A THINKING MAN'S GUIDE TO LOSING YOUR R HEAD—artcl. .... DENIS BOYLES 112
HERE'S COOKING WITH YOU, KID—food and drink. .... HERBERT BAILEY LIVESEY 114
HONEYMOON HOTELS—arficle . D. KEITH MANO 118
RIO'S GRANDI—pictorial
TOOLS OF THE HEART...
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
HOW TO DEAL WITH HER BIBLIOGRAPHICAL BAGGAGE.
RUBBING HER RIGHT: A PERFECT FOOT MASSAGE ..
THE IDEAL MATE
20 QUESTIONS: ANDREA MARCOVICCI.
THAT CHEATING HEART—article . .
THE YEAR IN SEX—pictorial. . .
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ....

..D. KEITH MANO 85

Back to Eden

BEN STEIN 132

163 Fashion with Passion

COVER STORY Love is in the air, ond Michelle Smith is Cupid’s target. Con-
tributing Photographer Stephen Wayda shot the cover, for which Michelle's
hair was styled by John Victor and her moke-up by Pot Tomlinson. Lee Ann
Perry was the stylist. Michelles sexy dress was designed by Christopher
Clover, her gloves by Naomi Misle. Quoth the Rabbit: "It's oll in the wrist”

PLAYBOY

IF YOU'RE LOSING HAIR,

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But there is hope for thinning hair.

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OFFER EXPIRES 2/28/89

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEENER
itor-in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
and associate publisher
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor
EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK edilor; PETER

Gale editor, Fl B ir
y DAVID STEVENS semior edi
DER, ED WALKER associate edito

; JAMES R PETE
staff writer; AUGER, BARBARA NELLIS.
DLA
rdinator; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE
WENDY ZABRANSKY assistant — editor.
TOONS
BOURAS edi AURIE ROGERS assisiant editor; LEE
BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE, RANDY LYNCH, BA
archers, CON-
S: ASA HARER, KEVIN COO
DBEL, CYNTHIA
HEIMEL, WILLIAM J. HELMI RINS, WALTER
WE, Ji. D. KEITH MANO, RI 'ON, DAVID
DDES, DAVID SHEFE DAV
LIAMSON (movies AN
MARGOLIS-WINTER, BILL ZEHME
ART
KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI. LEN
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN assoctate
director; JOSEPH YACZEK. ERIC SHROPSHIRE assistant
directors; DEBLE KONG, KEN OVRYN junior directors;
ANN SEIN Gon dino and pasie-np arlist; una
BENWAY, DANIEL REED ar] assislants; BARBARA HOFF
MAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

AN associate edilo
stant editor; von

staff photographer; kt

rapher; DAVID CHAN.

LEE WELLS stylist; S
isor; JOHN GOSS bus

PRODUCTION

JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
RITA JOHNSON assistant manager; ELEANORE WA
NER. JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAKOLI assistants

READER SERVICE
CYNTHIA LACEVSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM,
MIKE OSTI KI correspondents

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; BARBARA GUTMAN associ-
ate director

ADVERTISING
MICHAEL T GARR advertising director; 20 QUILLA
midwest manager; Ja

york manager; WOMERT TRAMONDO category man
ager; JOHN PEASLEY direct n

ADMINISTRA
JOHN a. scorr president, publishing group;
EILEEN KENT contracts administrator; MARCIA TER-
KONES rights © permissions mana

PLAYBOY ENTERPRI:
CHRISTIE HEFNER president

THE GREAT 99€ MOVIE SALE

CHOOSE ANY FIVE MOVIES FOR JUST 99€ EACH.

PLUS SHIPPING HANDLING WITH MEMBERSHIP

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GROW ANY PLANT WITH STATE OF THE ART HORTICULTURAL TECHNOLOGY

Hello, my name Is Jeffery DeMarco, president and founder of Pyraponic Industries. My master's
thesis concerned the cannabinoid profile of marijuana. The knowledge gained through this research
and experimentation can now be applied to the growing of any herbaceous plant from mint and basil,
to roses and tobacco.

In pursult of this master's thesis, I first had to generate the world's most extensive, nonscade:
library on the subject, Second, | assembled the most extensive, scientific bibliography ever created.
Then, | went into he laboratory at a major university while under federal license, and designed the
most sophisticated laboratory grade growing chamber in the world called the PHOTOTRON and the
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If you were to research indoor plant growing techniques, as | did,
a similarity soon becomes apparent. Every system before the
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In fact you will grow the plant six (6) to nine (9) months with an

verage six (6) Inch Internodal length, (the distance between fruiting
sites). That will produce a fruiting ratio at the tops of the plant equal
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reproduce the sun. That is why I made my system so revolutionary.
The Phototron measures only 36 inches tall by 1B inches wide. Its
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design ana compact size.

On average, the Phototron draws only $4.00 per month in elec-
tricity. I guarantee you will grow six (6) plants, three (3) foe! tell
In forty-five (45) days, while maintaining a one (1) inch internodal
length. | guarentee that in your Phototron each of your six plants
will produce over one thousand (1000) fruiting sites from top to bot-
tom. Mine is the only system in the world which will allow you to
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will remove from the system everyday. Beginning on DAY 20 atter
seed germination an average of six (5) to elght (8) ounces of plant
material, such as tobacco can be harvested every forty-five days.

Please, do not allow the technical sounding nature of the
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each unit sold. The instructions are clear and simple; the system
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You can not fall with my Phototron. I do not allow any of my
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id I'm not starting now.

Call me at 1-312-544-BUDS. If you do not learn more about plant
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[PHOTOTRON|

EDER vous GeownIG
E omic IMDUSPRIES INTERNAT
FO BOx21 WENULEY MICDLEHAGOEL UE |

ASSEEN ON THE BEC'S
TOMORROW'S WORLD

AS apjert Y SINCE 1979 WITH OVER 60,000.UNITS SOLD WORLDWIDE

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBDY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGD, ILLINOIS 6D611

NOVEMBER COVER PLAYS THEIR TOON

Just a short note to say that the cover of
the November issue has to be one of the
most imaginative that you've designed in
quite a while. There will definitely be a se-
quel to Who Framed Roger Rabbit if Laura
Richmond is around!

Mike Venia
Adrian, Michigan

Your November cover with Playmate
Laura Richmond portraying Toontowns
seductress Jessica Rabbit sure wants to
make me dabble in water colors.

Michael L. McCarty
Davenport. lowa

PARKINSON VS. QUAYLE

Playboy is out of line with the replay
given to Panta sons allegations
against Senator Dan Quayle in your
November Women of Washington pictorial.
1 had the impression that The Playboy Phi-

the business of the people who are married
and no one else's. That is a view with which
I heartily agree.

‘The last good President we had was Jack
Kennedy; after 25 years of inadequate
leadership from the White House, it seems
that a Presidential (or Vice-Presidential)
candidate who is married and allegedly
fools around should be the least of our
worr

Michael K. Flesher
Oceanside, California

MONDO WEIRDO

Jerry Stahl's article Mondo Weirdo
(Playboy, November) correctly asserts that
we have a natural love for the eccentric
However, Stahl barely scratches the sur-
face with his assertion that "in the same
way that nightly body counts

with rouge on his checks have anestheti
the popular psyche.” Am I the only one to
draw some sort of conncctio
Sixties, global violence has

such a point that wars in Iran/Iraq and
Afghanistan, to name a couple, haven't
even merited attention on the si:
news. (Quick, name three hostages
their. captor with a near
decade of Ronnie in Fantasyland and it
should be obvious that not only do we love
the oddballs but, hell, we need them, for
balance, if nothing else.

If anyone who read Robert Scheers
profiles of George Bush and Michael
Dukakis (The Men Who Would Be Presi-
dent, Playboy, November) voted for either
man, he went straight past weird to ultra
friggin’ gonzo. Personally, I support the
candidate whose slogan his time, why
not the weirdest?” applies to the times.
speaking, of course, of Bloom County's Bill
D. Cat. You can't get much weirder than
that,

Dana Cieslak
East Boston, Massachusetts

PRESIDENTIAL TIMBER?

The Men Who Would Be President
(Playboy, November), by Robert Scheer,
gives new meaning to the phrase “Figures
don’t lie, but liars can figure.” Scheer ap-
pears to have the same attitude as most
politicians on matters of responsibility:
i.e. that individuals are not responsible for
their actions, the systcm

Mark M. Yogodzinski
Newton, Massachusetts.

BRUCE WILLIS

In the November Playboy Interview,
Bruce Willis proves 10 the world that
is not quite as shallow as
television machismo
a guise. But in reading the iner-

; one can see right through the mask
of toughness that hides an insecure
schmuck. He makes a true blunder when

describing his first sexual encounter. Of
course, I would expect Bruce to come up
with some fairy tale that fit his assumed
persona. A guy as cool as he could not pos-
sibly have gotten laid like a normal kid. A
guy who likes to party as hard and blast
music as loud as he obviously should be

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n older chick, and then fuck
y room, at the age of 1.
s the nerve to complain that he
didnt get for another six months.
Now, this story struck me as such obviou:
bullshit from the start that I originally
passed over Willis blatant error. Besides
the fact that very few people get laid at 14
and give the chick an o m on their first
try, and that no M-year-olds work as bell-
boys, Willis says he walked out whistling
the theme from The Godfather. Vf, as he
purports, he was H when he nailed his
first piece of ass, then thc ycar was 1969.
Everyone knows that The Godfather wasn't
released until 1972, making Willis a pitiful
liar. Either he made up the entire story or
else he was 17 when he first got it. It is sad
that Will we of a cool guy has forced
him to fictionalize his life. But I guess no
one is as cool as he believes he is.
J. Forstadt
Middletown, Connecticut
Bruce Willis says he must have been mis-
taken about the song. It was the theme from
“Moonlighting.”

WOMEN'S VS. MEN'S STUDIES

In his September and October Men
columns, Asa Baber criticizes the
"monopoly of feminist thought" on college
ampuses and the virtual exclusion. of
men's studies from academic attention. To
illustrate his point, he lists the many
courses in Dartmoutlis womens-studies
ng with women's issues. No
tably lacking from Baber' list, however, is
the program's introductory course—Wom-
en Studies Ten: Sex, Gender and Society —
a course that I and other male members of
the Dartmouth faculty frequently te:
collaboration with other womenis-studies-
program facult

As the descriptive title of this i
introductory course makes clear, it

means confined to womens issues. Rather,
its focus is on the “gender system,” the
complex pattern of role relations in our
society by which men and women are
mutually defined. Male socialization and
other concerns that form a part of men's
studics are thus a vital component of this
course.

L sha

re Baber's belief that the field of

men’s studies is important and merits a
ce in our curriculum. But 1

much fuller p
would add that the current emph:
women's

s on
nouth and else-
¡equity or liber-

sues at Dar

notable v
made women scholars and
writers pioneers in its study. The field of
women's studies is thus a crucial beginning
of the kind of expanded study of gender of
which men’s studies are a part
Ronald M. Green
John Phillips Professo
Dartmouth College
Hanover, New Hampshire

der system

of Religion

Baber responds:

Have women really been "the most notable
victims of the gender system," or have men
shared equally in those risks and inequities?
Given the military draft, divorce and child-
custody laws, unequal longevity rales and a
host of other problems, arent men struggling
in this culture, too? Perhaps those are ques-
tions that a wable mens-studies program at
Dartmouth could help answer. 1 hope Profes-
sor Green is doing something about setting
up such a program—and 1 hope he doesn't
think that Women Studies Ten is an adequate
response to the issue,

BOLDLY GOING WHERE NO HARE HAS
GONE BEFORE...

So very glad my favorite Rabbit got to go
on the Discovery's flight!

sas newspaper The white portion of the

ship makes a perfect Rabbit Head, with its

nose to the right instead of the left. Love it!
Dick Courtney
WaKeeney, Kansas

A CYNTHIA FAN
Alter reading Cynthia Heimels October
Women column, “Texas Crude," I had to
write to say that she is amazing. Her in-
sight and perspective never cease to move
me. That is not to say that I always agree
with her. However, she invariably manages
to ignite my emotional and intellectual
fuel. Dont ever let this lady leave Playboy.
Douglas Rush
Salt Lake City, Utah

SNOW WHITE’S MIRROR

As one who has struggled with anorexia
a good part of my life, studied it and
(mostly) triumphed over it, I was deeply
touched by what Asa Baber writes in his
November Men column, "Snow White's
Asa, you got it exactly right, 1
have never seen it written about more clo-
quently or more compassionately Your
words are going to help a lot of men and
women, They ma
ships that would otherwise be spl
They may even save a li

Bless Asa Baber for his Nov
column, wl

mber Men
y disorders

in women. This is an issue that needs to be
addressed not only by the women who are
afflicted with it but also by the ones who
love them. And the most powerful thing a
man can do to help a woman with an eat-
ing disorder (aside from a subtle steering
toward therapy) is to make sure that she
knows he loves her for who she is, not for
what her body looks like.

Todays culture demands that. women
look and dress like 16-year-old adolescent
males: no breasts or hips, undefined limbs,
no shape at all to speak of. What many
women really w; the OK from the
fashion industry, and from the men they
love, 10 have the bodies that women really
have—wi nd softness. It is my
experience that many men would prefer a
woman who's about ten pounds heavier in
bed than out of it. Would that wc could
oblige. Lets take a vote, guys: Who would.
you rather jump in the sack with— Twiggy
or Bette Midler? lll put my money on
Bette any d

Laura Wamelink
Nashua, New Hampshire

Asa Baber's column “Snow Whites Mir-
ror" needs to be shouted through a meg
phonc to every male who loves and cares
for a woman caught in the clutches of
anorcxia/buliri And it is a must read for
any woman hauling around the excess bag-
gage of a poor physical self-image coupled.
with an cating disorder!

For almost ten years of my life, it was Me
and My Shadow (bulimia) looking into the
mirror. 1 felt like the Three Faces of Eve
with a different body type to fit my many

wod swings. It was either the 400-pound
circus lady or the young woman with the
Popsicle-stick frame and no cellulite. Occa-
sionally, the real me would surface—a
preuy woman in her early 20s who felt
good about herself (but bulimia always
darted in and out to spoil everything).

Finally. two years of weeklv sessions with
a psychiatrist trained in ng disorders
helped pave my way to freedom. And last,
but certainly not least, was my husband,
who stood by me, supporting me every
paintul step of the way.

Kathleen M. Rodgers
Alexandria, Lo na

PIA REYES
Being a gradi

ble to fi
in the Nittany Lions, Howe 'ovember
Playmate Reyes has changed that for
me. She is, indeed, a very beautiful wom-
an. I believe if we were to get together, we
would be able to work out all our rival dif-
ferences. If you could arrange this, 1 am
sure both centers of higher learning would
beneht and fully app: te this pea
maki

Rick Rasz
Cleveland, Ohio

Instant-on radar:

How it works. How to defend yourself.

[n on radar—sometimes called "pulse"

radar—has been around foryears, But it's being

used more frequently now as radar operators

try to defeat detector users. Here's how it works.
First things first

Ordinary radar and instant-on radar use
exactly the same type of radar beams. In fact,
most radar guns can operate either way. It's just
a matter of which buttons the operator pushes.

How ordinary radar works

In an ordinary radar trap, the radar gun is
aimed at traffic and it continuously transmits
a beam of radar waves The effertive range for
the radar to "see" your speed is less than a
half mile for most cars, longer for trucks.

How radar detectors work

Aradar detector is a radio receiver tuned to
radar frequency. A high-performance radar
detector is sensitive enough to pick up the
radar waves before you drive within speed
measuring range. It's as simple as that.

How Instant-on radar works

The instanton radar trap is set up just like
an ordinary radar trap. The only difference is
that the gun doesn't transmit until the operator
pushes a button. So there is no radar signal
for a radar detector to find.

Then when you're within speed-measuring
ran£e, the operator triggers the beam. Hence
the term "instant.on: The radar reads your
speed within a fraction of a second. too quickly
for a human to respond.

Your only hope.

Because instant-on radar is faster than your
reflexes, your only defense is to identify it
before you are within its range. You must detect
it when the operator zaps the traffic ahead of
you. For this, your detector must reach out for
distant radar signals.

The Kustom Signals HA-12 anc KA-1, two of the mary regar
units that can be operated ín an instanton or "nuse" mode.

Yov're looking for weak radar that lasts only
a few seconds. Finding even one such "pulse"
is cause for alert. Finding a series of them,
each stronger than the previous one, indicates
yov're approaching an instant-on radar trap
that's picking off traffic ahead.

‘Same old strategy

Identifying instant-on radar before you come
in range is the only defense today, just as it
was when we first introduced Escort. That's why
our warning system, used on both Escort and
Passport, tells you both the strength of the
signal and the length of it. You need to know
both to defend yourself.

Nothing but the truth

Our warning system indicates signal strength
two ways: by a meter for a visual check, by a
variable-rate beeper if you prefer to listen. The
length of the signal is indicated by the duration
of the alert. Knowing signal strength and signal
length of every radar encounter is the only way
10 find instant-on radar before it finds you.

Escort and Passport are the most effective
radar-warning instruments available. But don't
take our word for it.

When you understand that instant-on radar is nothing
more than ordinary radar being turned on and off. the
threat losesits mystery. Defense comes down to detecting,
the radar before it's strong enough to find you.

Aaloney breakthrough. Yet one cetecior maker has
added a feature it calls "Pulse Protaction’ to one of its.
mocels. Here's what it does:

When this unit detects the sudden presence of a high
strength signal, a "P" appears on its display and it sounds
a special alarm. This is your "Pulse Protection:

The fine print. Unfortunately, the sudden presence of a
high strengin signal describes an instant-on encounter
when you're within range. True protection fiom instanton
depends on responding to weak signals, but "Pulse
Protection” goest responc to weak signals.

The maker says this feature "tells you when you're
being shot at” And that's the problem. When you're being
'Shotat, i's 100 lae.

In 1987. Car and Driver, Popular Mechanics
and Roundel each published independent tests
ofradar detectors. And each gave us the highest
ratings. Call toll-free and well send reprints of
the complete tests, not just excerpts or quotes.

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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

PUTTING IT ALL BEHIND US

It used to be over when the fat lady sang.
Now it's over when the pundits slap the
prefix "post" on it. Have you noticed that
now we're living in the fostmodern world?
We've read that our age is posiliberal, post-
conservative, postteminist, postnuclear and
posiliterate, among other things. We want
to know whatever happened to “neo”?
And Post Toasties, for that matter.

PUTTING IT ALL BEHIND US, PART TWO

Postelectorally, we have The New Repub
lics Hendrik Hertzberg to thank for the
best new term in political parlance:
pectorate. It refers to journalists, consult-
ants and spin doctors who play a game of
expectations during political debates.
“Quayle was expected to do poorly,” wrote
Hertzberg. Therefore, the expectorate ex
pected Quayle to do well, “because expec-
tations for him were so low that he could
hardly fail to do beuer than expected.”
Get it?

IC Cx-

MOO NEWS

Kemps Ice Cream Company in Min-
neapolis sponsored a Sound of Moosic
singing contest last year. The rules: a mini-
mum of lyrics, a maximum of mooing and
no instrumental accompaniment. The re-
sults: More than 150 entrants from around
the country mooed through Moolight
Sonata (not quite the way Beethoven in-
tended it), a Ravel homage called Bullero,
the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's
Moosiah, plus the more contemporary Blue
Moo, | Remember Moo and the grand-prize
winner, Moodolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

For just a litte mooooola (six bucks,
from Kemps Sound of Mocsic, Julie John-
son, Kemps Ice Cream, Marigold Foods,
2929 University Avenue S.E., Minneapolis
55414), you can own a cassette of the 32
finalists, plus the nine weirdest losers.

DIRTBALL

Baseballs spring training is about io
start and we have a phenom for you—
Todd Welborn, a relief pitcher with the
minor-league Jackson Mets in Mississippi.
What does he have? Dirt. Just a pinch of

soil between his cheek and gum and he's
ready to throw. (And we hear his fastball's
all right, too.)

Keith Burkman, the Jackson Mets
grounds keeper, says that Welborn dips
dirt instead of tobacco because “You don't
get discascs, there's plenty of it and nobody
ams it off y
Burkman says he told Welborn to stop
dipping field dirt because it's sprayed with
herbicide. Instead, the grounds keeper be-
gan to experiment with various flavors of
dirt for Welborn and has come up with a
winning recipe.

"I sift the dirt to get out all the little
rocks,” Burkman says. “Then I add some
vanilla extract and some cinnamon. and
stir it up to get a good consistency. After
that, I bake it in a microwave for about 30
seconds to kill the bacteria."

And who said nouvelle cuisine was dead?

DON'T BE A POOHBUTT

So you think that cold-as-ice street talk
on the cop shows is phony? Here's a dose of
reality—a glossary assembled by the Los
Angeles Times (with the help of court re-
porters) that includes the fondest expres-
sions of L.A. real street punks:

Fooled out—made a mistake

Do a train leave

Do a ghost leave

Mud duck—ugly girl

Deuce and a quarter— Buick Electra 995
Benzo— Mercedes-Benz

Hoopty—car
Deuce-deuce 22
Trey-cight—.38-caliber gun
Four-five — 45-caliber gun
1ge—shotgun

shotgun

liber gun

Dimday—dusk
Busti —go out shooting
Ride on—drive-by shooting
Jack—hijack
Talking head—ar
Rush—attack
Squab—fight
You got four feet?—Want to fight?
Take out of the box—kill someone
Dead Presidents —money
Kite— letter from prison
Hook— phony pe
Eight-track—two and a half grams of
cocaine

ing

On the pipe—free-basing cocaine

Water—PCP

High beams on—high on cocaine

Mark— someone who wants to be a gang
member

Poohbutt—someone who thinks he is a
gang member but is not considered worthy

Glass house— police headq
1067 Chevrolet (with wrap-around wind-
shield)

Jim Jones—a joint laced with cocaine
dipped in PCP

ters or a

TRAVEL TIPS?

We heard about a new magazine that
challenges our imagination: Foreshin Quar-
terly. Reportedly, it features articles on
travel, circumcision and other personal ex-
periences. You want it? Write to PO. Box
11314, San Francisco 94101

WHAT A CARD

When Doris A. Stokes applied for a
VISA card over the phone, a Citibank em-
ployee asked whether she'd like a second
card for a family member. “Maybe later,”

RAW

DAT?

QUOTE

“A Jesuit once told
me that the easiest
way to prevent your-
self from committing
a major sin was to
watch one or, in the
age of the VCR, rent
one."—George Hick-
enlooper, writer, in
L.A. Style.

TALL SHOES

According to Coi
verse, Inc., sales fig-
ures, percentage of
buyers whose favorite
color of high-top

neaker is black, 44;
white, 27; navy, I
red, nine; maroon,
four; pink, two.

Percentage of new
United States M.B.A.s
who have no work ex-
perience before start-
ing graduate school:
11.2. Percentage. who
have had four years or

had not se

had served

nam.

morc of work experience: 30.3.
.
Average age of a new M.B.A.: 26.
.

Percentage of new M.B.A.s in the
United States who are Amer 873;
who are foreign, 127; male, 62.2: fe-
male, 378; white, 84: Asian, 79; His-
panic, 3.3; black, 3.2

ONE LIFE TO GIVE
Percentage of Army enlistees who are
black men: 28.2.
.
Percentage of female Army enlistees
who are black: 44.3.
.
Percentage of the ollicer corps that

black: 6.6.

.
Percentage of Americans who are
black: 19.

1-800-1-SPY
Number of calls the Army's coun-
terespionage toll-free number (1-800-

service between 19
27 of the 54 who
ved in the military,
H had been in the military but
had not served in Vietnam.
1 the Reserves—
and two had served in View

CALL-SPY) receives.
in one y more
than 20,000.

Percentage of those
leads that are fol-
lowed up: one.

Number of arrests
generated by the toll-
free-number pro-
gram: zero.

Number of workers
needed 10
CALL-SPY: 13.

BROKEN BANKS

FACT OF THE MONTH Since 1979,
In a Wall Street Journal sur- centage of
vey of chief executive officers federally | chartered
who were eligible for military banks thi ther
nd 1972, had no loan poli

nored them: 8l.
.

Percentage that
skirted Federal bank-
ing laws or internal
operating proce-
dures: 69; that lacked
adequate systems to
y bad loans: 59.

ad passive or
ds of directors: 59.

NGEROUS JOBS

Industry with the gre.
an injury on the job: meat packing.
Number of on-the-job injuries per 100
meat-packing workers:

Second riskiest industry: mobile-
home manufacturing. Injuries per 100
workers: 29,8.

Third riskiest industry: vending-
machine manufacturing. Injuries per
100 workers: 28.1.

STOP MAKING SENSE

Percentage of Ameri
that they have or will ba
blood to avoid cont

Percentage of Am
AIDS will become epidemic for den-
tists: 31; for the population at large: 51.

Stokes answered. In a few weeks, her new
credit card arrived, along with a second
card for Maube Later

SPOTLIGHT

Antoinette Giancana: Mafia cook.

Antoinette Giancana, star of our February
1987 pictorial Mafia Princess and daughter
of the late mafioso Sam "Momo" Giancana,
told us she's writing a book—a Mafia cook-
book. Not surprising. After all, what was
her dad up to the night he was rubbed out
in 1975? Cooking sausages and spinach.

"Sausage, beans and escarole. That's
what he was making," Antoinette correct.
ed us when we recited the old news reports
to her. “It wasn't spinach, it was escarole,”
she repeated, ripping the lid off another
botched police report. “Any Italian would
know—theres a tremendous. difference,
but the cops didn't know the difference,
which is too bad." she added. “At any
rate, Italians knew what he was cooking
and that he hadn't added the beans yet

Antoinette shared the family recipe,
which will appear in her book, with us, so
herewith, a preview of the recipe for:

SAM GIANCANAS LAST SUPPER

1% Ibs. Italian sausage (sweet or hot)
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
3 doves garlic. minced.
1 can Great Northern beans, with juice
1 large head escarole, rinsed
1 or 2 small chili peppers
3—4 tablespoons dry white wine

Sharp Romano cheese, grated

Sauté sausage in oil. Remove from skil-
let. Sauté garlic, but do not brown ("lf you
know what you're doing, cooking Italian
food, you never overcook your garlic
Add sausage to skillet ag; along with
beans. Cook for 5 minutes over medium
heat, then reduce heat. Add escarole, cover
nd sinu lor5 or 10 mi
then add chili peppers, wir
water if necessary and serve in soup bowls
with toasted Malian garlic bread on the
side. "lop with grated sharp Romano
cheese and serve a good red Italian wine.
“L prefer a Valpolicella,” said Antoinette
One thing stumped the Maha princess
“Why do they call Italians romantic people
when they eat all that dammed garlic?”

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KEITH RICHARDS: record company says that
he's “reluctantly ecstatic” about his first-
ever solo album, Talk Is Cheap (Virgin). Me,
too. A combination of insecurity and dedi-
cation led Richards to stick with the Stones
almost exclusively for more than 20 years.
‚ger's solo outings and his re-
fusal to tour after the last Stones album
persuaded an angry Richards to take the
plunge. And while Talk Is Cheap may
not prove that Keith is all there is 10 the
Stor gic (maybe two thirds of it), it
conveys the essence of that band more con-
vincingly than Jagger's solo efforts.

At first listening, the album has a sketchy
work-in-progress kind of feel. Keith is ably
assisted by such maverick session pros as
ex-Lale Night drummer Steve Jordan
(who, with Richards, is the LP's coproduc-
er), Charlie Drayton and Waddy Wachtel,
but the real payoff comes when he spins off
new variations on his patented churning
riff, most notably on How I Wish. Some of
the sketchiness may result from Keith's old
work habits: With the Stones, he'd usually
cultivate a riff with the rest of the band
until it flowered into a complete song.
Here he's jump-starting the process with
an entirely new crew And the results are
all the more impressive. The lyrics are
thoughtful and heartfelt—and, yes, our
boy can be brutally frank, as on You Don't
Move Me, a searing dressing down of his
old friend Jagger. Keith's singing is more
than serviceable most of the time. But on
mid-tempo rockers and ballads, such as
Locked Away and Rockawhile, vou really
miss ol' Hot Lips. This would have been
the best Stones record in two decades. It’s
still the best Stones album this decade and
proof that the heart of the Stones is alive
and beating— hard. Play it loud.

NELSON GEORGE

Luther Vandross’ Any Love (Ep
his best album, but then, when
consistent as this composer-produce
singer, it’s hard to say that one project is
beuer than another. Each of his five other
albums has sold more than 1,000,000
copies. And cach has containcd at least one
classic ballad performance, either inter-
pr ions of standards (A House Is Not a
Home, Superstar) or self-penned hits, such
as So Amazing. Vandross’ musical catalog is
so impressive that he merits comparisons
to vocal giants as diverse as Sam Cooke,
Nat "King" Cole and Dionne Warwick.
The fact that Vandross isn’t as well known
as, say, Whitney Houston or Anita Baker—
both fine singers, but neither has his track
record—is an example of images winn
out over talent. Vandross, a heavy-set
who shies away from interviews and non-

Stone alone.

Whitney and Anita are fine,
but, Nelson asks, what
about Luther Vandross?

musical public appearances, is not natural
-video material. But why should he
be? From the beginning, he, along with his
requent collaborators Marcus Miller and
Nat Adderley, [r., has understood how to
showcase his creamy-smooth tenor, high-
lighting both his technical facility and h
romanticism, For this album’ classic p
formances, check out his cover of Major
Harris Love Won't Let Me Wait, as well as
The Second Time Around and the title song.

DAVE MARSH

UY Rattle and Hum (Island) is big, it’s
bombastic, irs mythmaking, it wears its
heart on its sleeve and drenches itself in
historicity, And that’s why I love it

Rattle and Hum is the first U2 album to
come to grips with the blucs at the heart of
odern popular music, and I dont mean
the overt Delta influences on Silver and
Gold or the duet with B. B. King on When
Love Comes to Toren as much as the entire
shape and spirit of the performances.

This is the album on which U2 makes
case for inclusion in the rock-and-roll pan-
thcon. Sure, thats pretension, but who
cares? The point isn't that U2 has reached
for the sky but that its versions of Helter
Skelter and All Along the Watchtower it
own, not just homages to the Beatles and

Dylan and Hendrix.
It would be a very silly critic,
who didn't nov

deed,
c that Bonos submersior
Godhead strains agai

in a lov

egotism, and I've always been oifended by
the Chi nity that suggests, in
Pride, that Martin Luther King, Jr's, mar-
tyrdom was the only fitting measure of his
life. But only liotic critic would let that
stuff get in the way of guitar lines as strong
as the ones Edge conjures up in Desire and
All t Want Is You or of singing as powerful
as Bono’ on Desire—or, for that matter, of
ranting and preaching as useful as his on
Bullet the Blue Sky. U2 is a great rock-and-
roll band, and with Rattle and Hum, it sets
a mark not only for the rest of its career but
for everybody else who picks up a gu
the next few years,

CHARLES M. YOUNG
H

jor can be used as a wall to defend
gainst unwanted feelings invading from
the unconscious, or it can be used as a
bridge to those same feelings, making the
unbearable bearable or at least more un-
derstandable, Most television comedians
are wall humorisis. Randy Newman is a

NIA PEEPLES is a triple threat. After a
three-year run in TVS "Fame" shes
now enjoying Ihe success of her first
LP. "Nothin' but Trouble,” and star-
ring in the science-fiction big-screener
"Deep Six." This month. we pul her to
work critiquing U2% sound track
“Rattle and Hum.”

“l am fascinated by what U2 is
saying—these guys truly say what
they want the way they want to say i
which is every artists goal. Some
people haven't liked the stylistic di-
versity of this record, but it works
well for me. U2 is just reaching fur-
ther back to its roots in America
Gospel and rhythm-and-blues. De-
sire emerges from a rock-a-billy base
and / Still Haven't Found What Pm
Looking For has been changed
forever by the addition of the Gospel
choir Voices of Freedom. The music
blends beautifully with the lyrical
theme, which involves U?'s glimpses
of the United States during the
Joshua Tire tour. U2 really made me
stop and think about America. Now
nt to catch up on U2's earlier

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FASTTRACKS

OCK

METER

1 CANT GET NO SATISFACTION DEPARTMENT.
Recbok is said to bc
Mick Jagger for wearing his Nike run-
ning shoes in public. Why? Because
Reebok is sponsoring his Australian
tour Jagger has promised to wear
Reeboks, but, as Keith could tell com-
pany spokesmen, Talk Is Cheap.

REELING AND ROCKING: Video director
David Rathod, who done clips for
Huey Lewis and the Bengles, is pl.
a heavy-metal feature called
Crash and Burn. . . . Tom Waits has an-
other movie wrapped up, a black cor
dy with Sally Kirkland, Rip Tom and Keith
Corradine called Cold Feet. Robbi
Robertson is beginning a new movie
called Insomnia, about a Sixties rock
idol who drops out for a while and rc-
turns to find the music scene radically
changed.

NEWSBREAKS: Dionne Warwick has taped
a pilot for a talk show, Dionne and
Friends. .... V he Dead's drummer Mickey
Hort is working on an adaptation. of
Peter and the Wolf for TV and home
video. It will use skiers to enact the
classic. . . | Fox Broadcasting has con
mitted itself. to airing a series of
ht rock shows from ve
ues around the world, starting this
i - Showtime plans to air four
g Pink Floyd's last
Miami Sound Machine's homecom-
ng concerts, à Hall and Oates show in
n and Steve Winwood's Royal Albe
Hall concert. . . . Aretha will duet with
James Brown on her next albun 2
Michael Jackson has so much money, he's
giving chunks of it away. The Bad Tour
has sold $108,000,000 worth of tickets
so far and another $25,000,000 in
memorabilia. Michael presented Mo-
town Museum founder Berry Gordy with

a clieck from proceeds of a Detroit con-
cert to pave the way lor community
grants. . . . Willis "Bebop" Edwords, B. B.

Kings road m

ng à book

ager, is wr

about the blues guitarist, B. B. King:
Then and Now. .. . Elton John has come
off the read to record but will tour
America more extensively this year: . ..
RCA, America’s oldest record label, has
just enjoyed the most successful year in
its 87-year history thanks to Dirty
Dancing, Move Dirty Dancing and
the company’s catalog of rap groups,
which combined to make 1988 even
more profitable than the golden Elvis
ye - Patti LaBelle has recorded
Prince-Sheena Easton song, Love 89, for
her upcoming album. A studio fire
destroyed Astleys next album.
/ will have to sing the vocals again
his producer rerecords the
- . Siedah Gorrett’s debut album,
Kiss of Life, is moving along on the
Garrett, the co-author, with
ckson, of Man in Ihe Mirror,
ly had other songs recorded
bv both Roberto Flock and Aretha
Franklin. She has also recorded a duet.
With Choka Khan, which may show up on
Quincy Jones album. A very busy
lady. . . . Keep your eye out for events
sponsored by Musicians for Life, a non-
profit organization started by Warner
Communicati response to the
Surgeon Gener quest that. enter-
tainers get more involved in AIDS edu-
A the first spot, which
ed on the major network s
nd VH-1. Other stars who'll do
spots include Peter Gabriel, Los Lobos, Al
B. Sure!, Rubén Blades ¿nd Whoopi Gold-
berg. lly. lor all you Beatles [ans
who've grown tired of Albert Goldman
and want to relive the old days. uy a
card game called Beatle
only three dollars (plus one dolla
postage and handling), you can find out
what near catastrophe in May 1963 in
the Canary Islands almost ended the
Fab Four. You can get the game from
Whit Album Editions, Box 1114-Y, Lan-

ham, Maryland 20706.
— BARBARA NELLIS

» than ever on Land of
Dreams (Reprise), which contains his first
three explicitly autobiographical songs.
Newman knows how miserable he was as a
child but never sinks into self-pity with his
almost surreal eye for detail and sense of
compassion for all his characters. Besides
childhood, Newman returns here to two
e themes: racism and greed
It's Money That Matters sums up the mood
of our time about as well as any song I've
heard this year. If it weren't funny, it would
just be unbearable,

Whenever my cat takes a dump, he hops
onto the sink 1 to his litter box and
yowls the feline equivalent of “Look on my
works, ye mighty, and despair.” Much as I
like my cat, I daily ponder the question
But is it art?” When I listen to Bon Jovi, I
think of my cat. New Jersey (Mercury) at-
tempts to step up from the litter box of
power schmaltz to the pop metal of Def
and the mythos of Bruce Sp
money to spend in the
dio, Bon Jovi docs a good job of sound
Def Leppard. Having spent no time
learning to write, it docs an excellent job of
sounding like Springsteen when he's more
ham bone than mythmaker. Look on the
charts, ye mighty, and despa

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

No sooner did Richard Thompson
dump his spouse and partner, Linda, in
g ad for
His solo al-
ns started off vaguely unsatisfying and
ader every time out. Since Thomp-
son is a world-class gi and composer
who can outsing Ry Cooder himself. it's
news that Amnesio (Capitol) is at leas
improvement and maybe the rock
he has been aiming at all dec
no longer cries out for Linda’s acrid con-
tralto and contrary soul. I must note, how-
ever, that some romantic reversal or other
has inspired a set of love songs even nastier
than has been his nasty habit. The uproar-
ious revenge hyperbole of Don't Tempt Me
is the pole that defines the regrets of no
fewer than six additional songs. Thomp-
son seems to thrive on frictior

Back from limbo at less apparent pi
sonal cost are two veteran soul singers
who've never been saddled with that label.
Both reggae fixture ‘Toots Hibbert and
blueswoman-to-the-stars Etta J
chosen the same route back: via Me
Toots in Memphis (Mango) is.a cover
that doesn't coy—these oldies taught Toots
to sing, though never (before) for the
record. His Otis Redding is as on it as any-
one who knows his sound would figure; his
Jackie Moore and Ann Peebles are strokes.
nd) is more
but its deep groove is pure
Stax-Volt, the kind of firm musical ground
she hasnt stood on since she provided make-
out music at basement parties 25 years ago.
Her Otis Redding aint bad, either.

VIDEO

VIDEO SLEEPERS
good movies that crept out of town

Eyewitness: William Hurt opposite a
post-Alien Sigourney Weaver in an
ing thriller about a high-rise janitor who
hasacrush ona T M newswoman

Clever scr oe omnik characters from NS
guys who brought you Breaking Away.
EX: The utle killed it. Fe

trade jargon for cinematic special effects,
trickily hi

ched to the plot of a smooth,
starring Australia's
with feisty, reliable Brian
hy as top cop on the case.

Just Tell Me What You Want: Back in 1980, we
called it “sophisticated comedy in cold
blood." Ali MacGraw and Alan King sull
score as combative valentines—bitchy mis-
tress vs. ruthless tycoon. Best scene: Ali's
purse-Hailing assault on King in front of
stunned shoppers at Bergdort

— BRUCE WILLIAMSON

LADIES’ CHOICE: VIDEO TURN-ONS

Women have their own favorite hot movies,
and they dont star Charles Bronson. We
made an unscientific survey of the women
we know and came up with a list.

Swept Away . Rich bitch gets mz
on a desert island with her se
turns boss and gives the orders;
up a good fight but soon succumbs to the
man-on-top-in-the- position. Women
just love a take-charge kind of guy.
Dracula: You know the story. But this vam-

'ooned.

Brief Encounter (two morrieds meet ond cheot; commuter
passion you never got from Meryl and Bob in Falling in
Love); Shampoo (Warren Beatty blow-dries most of Bever-
ly Hills); From Here to Eternity (Burt Lancoster ond the
captain's wife in the famous sex-

WITH YOUR
"OTHER" VALENTINE

WITH YOUR
EX-VALENTINE

Straight fram the heart: The Way We Were, Zeffirellis
Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights. Also, on lond
Gene with the Wind ond Out of Ai
African Queen and Houseboat; in the oir: An Officer and
a Gentleman and Top Gun.

Heartburn (Streep ond Nicholson divorce Washington
style; best mave: the coke in the face); Shoot the Moon
(Diane Keotons marriage goes bust—in rhe fierce finale,
sa does the scenery); Philadelphia Story (Kote Hepburn
dumps a chump to remarry Cary Grant. Wha wouldrit?).

GUEST SHOT

Comic Gilbert Goti-
fried claims to have
the kind of beyond-
wretched love lite to
which most other fun-
aymen aspire. Who
better, then, to Wax
romantic on the per-
lect Valentines Day
videos? "For me, Night of the Living Dead is ro-
mantic because there are human limbs in it. OK,
not all the limbs are aftached, but | cant be
picky I thought The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
was the feel-good movie of its year; but then, I
always enjoy films about families.” C'mon, Gil,
aren't there any videos that tug at your heart a
little? “1 rented Love Story once. Ever since
then, | hang out at singles bars and go up to the
first woman who coughs. But for the most part,
Women like romantic films, men are into pure
filth. Let's face it; when an actor and an actress
kiss in a movie, women sigh, men say, ‘Good,
here comes the fuck scene!" — — uum roc

pire is Frank Langella and women happily
bare their throats for him.

The Big Easy: ‘Tough New Orleans cop sc-
duces a reluctant DA. the old-fashioned
way: He earns it. Women love a man who
takes his time, and no lady can resist Den-
nis Quaid's slow, easy tease.

Body Heat: Then again, sometimes you just

1; On water: The

-the-surf scene).

WITH YOUR
RED-HOT VALENTINE

Two Moon Junction (rich bride-to-be discovers kinky VCR

sex with local carny; fram the screenwriter of 92 Weeks);
White Mischief (depraved Brit colaniols steam up Foi
Kenya with exotic bed-hopping); Call Me (lonely newspo-
per lady finds new ways ta hang an the phone).

skip the foreplay. When William Hurt
throws that chair through the door to get
Kathleen Turner, she ignites, along with
women everywhere. Splendor in the glass;

lust doesn't ge get any better than this.
Last Tango in Paris: The classic: frenzied,
passionate sex with no names ‘Two

strangers meet, mate; then she kills him
Women have a bit of praying mantis in
them, dont they?

The Story of "O^: A woman becomes a sex
slave to please her lover, who likes to play
with whips, chains and other toys. Kinky?
Definitely. But the slave ultimately be-
comes the master, and that’s what pushes a
womansrLw button. —PHYLLIS HALLIDAY

VIDEOSYNCRASIES

Warm Up with Traci Lords: Yep. the for-
merly underaged porn star is back on
video—this time in a bona fide exercise
tape. Are her new routines as high-impact
as the old ones? Not really: They were
choreographed by Tanya Evereit of the
Presidents Council on Physical Fitness.
God bless America (Starmaster).

Hollywood Scandals and Tragedies:
James Dean's bisexuality, Vivien Leigh's
nymphomania. Errol Flynn's weakness for

SHORT TAKES

Best lts-3-Coin-Flip Video: Eat or Be Eaten;
Best Art-Instruction Video: Nude Beach Body
Paintings Weirdest Special-Interest-Group Vid-
o: Clowns for Christ; Worst Fashion Video: TV
or Not TV: The World of Cress-Dressing: Best
“Lets Not" Video: Lets Tap; Best We'd-Sooner-
Swallow-Arsenic Video: Take Time with Pat
Boone; Best Sure-to-Be-a-Cult-Classic Video:
English Irregular Verbs. Best Its-a-Living
Video: Bread Dough Folk Art.

young girls—its all here in a vid docu-
mentary that claims to reveal the inside-
Tinseltown dirt (MPI).

THE HARDWARE CORNER

Bang Zoom!: Just when you thought
camcorders were as simple as point and
shoot, along comes the Hitachi gang with a
VM-3150 model that features a snooping
1.5x telephoto lens adapter—and that’s on
top of a 6:1 zoom. Talk about getting up
close and personal!

Stay Put: For video-disc owners who dont
like getting off their rumps mid-movie, Pi-
oneer's LD-WI player has two disc drives
and four laser hookups—so you can play
both sides without so much as a flip.

MOVIES

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

vum wakes the world go round in
Working Girl (Fox). an assured and glitzy
mantic comedy about sexual chemistr
between corporate climbers. Melanie

flith, playing an ambitious y
from Staten Island, purrs it
wheeler-dealer Harrison Ford:
head for bi
there anything wrong with that?” In
Melanie's case, the answer is a resounding
no. Ford, ıghly engaging as he
horny partner in a multimillion-dollar
financial coup, seems to be turned on by
Melanies shrewd bu se—that
alone may be an indication of the new way
moviemakers are looking at women. On
the other hand, the lard dressed-for-
success ballbuster is played with fine
flourishes by Sigourney Weaver as the boss
lady whose skiing accident gives our hero-
ine a chance to sneak in some take-ove:
moves on her own. Sound familiar?
Michael ]. Fox bounced through very simi-
lar shenanigans in The Secret of My Success,
a 1987 megahit. Here, while Kevin Wade's
screenplay hardly lights up the board with
originality, the formula still works, because
director Mike Nichols puts some fresh spin
on it with an all but irr ible cast. vvv.

When toting up the triumphs of late
1988, reserve another spot in the winner's
circle for Meryl Streep. Without her, A Cry
in the Dark (Warner) might resemble one of
TVs earnest docudramas about justice
miscarried. With her, it's a riveting Streep
sweep of major proportions, recapping the
ordeal of Lindy Chamberlain, an Aus-
tralian woman whose trial for the 1980
murder of her infant daughter became a
ional sensation, Chamberlain claimed
that a dingo carried off her baby while she,
her husband (played to the hilt by Sam
Neill) and their three children were vaca-
tioning at a campground. As directed by
Fred Schepisi, the story is compelling in it
self, made more so by Streep vivid work
as a tough-minded religious zealot who all
but challenges the jury to convict her, be-
cause she wont take the witness stand pre-
tending to be a wounded doe or anything
but what she is—innocent. While they still
debate that question down under, Lindy
Chamberlain has been officially exonera
ed, and Streep summarizes her case in
some wrenching movie moments you wont
soon forget. YYYY

The political climate of the Deep South
has changed dramatically since 1964,
three young male civil rights workers
murdered in Mississippi. The land-
ly brought their Killers
10 court, if not to justice, inspired director
Alan Parker's ippi Burning (Orion), a
fictionalized, fiercely exciting message

Weaver Working with Ford.

Banish winter's chill with
a trio of comedies, two
powerful fact-filled dramas.

movie written in blood, sweat and tears.
The screenplay, a hard-hitting polemic by
Chris Gerolmo, explores FBE efforts to
break through a stonewalling society of
Southern bigots. But even the Bureau's
good guys (Gene Hackman and Willem
Dafoe) are locked in a contest of wills
about which way to go. Dafoe is solid as a
by-the-book agent in charge of the investi-
gation, while Hackman—a dynamic actor's
actor who never lets a scene slip away from
him—sets the tone as a tough, shrewd
Southern-born veteran with a strong-arm
approach to law enforcement. His meth
ods, however, don't preclude cozying up to
a gentle beautician (Frances McDormand)
who's married to a local deputy sheriff
(Brad Dourif). All the performances are
first rate in a sizzling slice of social h
tory about the baule for hearts and
minds. ¥w¥¥

The troubled teenager (Alyson Hanni-
gan) reports to her blissed-out dad (Dan
Aykroyd) that his sexy new bride (Kim
Basinger) has peculiar habits: “I saw her
drink the battery juice from your Hondi
That, with a slew of variations, pretty well
sums up the humor of My Stepmother Is an
Alien (WEG/Columbia). Four writers take
credit for an immensely silly screenplay
with a high-concept premise—eccentric
widowed scientist accidentally beams down
an extraterrestrial golden girl and marries
her. While the premise never develops into.
embling a plot, Aykroyd is of-
ten hilarious as the pie-eyed beneficiary of

Basinger's discovery that earthly sex has a
lot of wham-bam cosmic potential. Clearly
cognizant that Kim is an out-of-this-world
comedienne who could stop traffic in
space, director Richard Benjamin dotes on
her curves as if to compensate. for 100
many uninspired lines. Night
Lives Jon Lovitz forces chuckles from a
largely irrelevant role as Aykroyd's randy,
jest-propelled brother. But even a fire-
cracker string of intergalactic sex gags
cant lift Stepmother up from medioc-
rity Y

Saturday

.
g back at the war in Vietnam
from this distance in time, The Iron Triangle
(Scotti) is an earnest, highly emotional
combat drama that tries to give both sides
a fair shake, The Killing Fields Oscar win-
ner Haing Ngor brings resonance to his
peripheral role Cong captain, but
the movie's m: the relation
ship between a captive US. officer (Beau
Bridges) and the young Cong guerrilla
(Liem Whatley) who saves his life, Filmed
in Sri Lanka and full of fierce, gutsy baule
scenes that Platoon might have envied, Tri-
angle dilutes its do-gooder intentions with
déjà vu. YY

Lookii

ably improved,
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Orion) is more or
a remake of Bedtime Story, a mediocre
1964 comedy with David Niven and a mis-
Now Michael C:
and Steve Martin are gloriously odd-cou-
pled as con men on the Riviera, fleceing
rich women and singling out a flaky young
ican they assume to be a soap-com-
pany heiress (played with impish charm by
Glenne Headly). Director Frank Oz fields
this talented trio in a triumphantly screw
ball caper film with a delicious final twist.
One or two slow spots, but the actors
waltz around them and send you home
happy. ¥¥¥¥

The madcap guys who created Airplane!
are at it again in The Naked Gun (Para-
mount), a sorry spoof of cops-and-killers
movies borrowed from their own TV se
ries, Police Squad! Leslie Nielsen, Priscill.
Presley and Ricardo Montalban head a cast.
heavily making light of everything from
Beirut terrorists t0 body condoms. Despite
some boflos, little of it works. YY

its plot may create the mis-
taken impression that We Think the World of
You (Cinecom) is just a kinky British love
triangle about two men and a dog. It's that
and more, directed. with true. Brit. class
consciousness by Colin Gregg from a novel
by Joseph R. Ackerley, one of the first mod-
ern homosexual authors to break out of his
closet. Alan Bates plays a gay middle-aged
businessman named Frank whose lover
(Gary Oldman, roughing out one. more

Describing

A 600 YEAROEDEMBLEM OF POWER
. for today’s nobleman.

Authentic history in solid god.
Enlarged to show detail.

"The Black Prince, heir to
the throne of England,
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bold black shield of battle
which bore a majestic
lion —his heraldic sym-
bol o£ strength.

Now, a masterly man's
ring of solid 10 karat
gold is inspired by that
shield—with the fierce
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Set with a fiery fully
faceted red ruby.

Design by Stuart
Devlin, Goldsmith and
Jeweller to Her Majesty
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The Franklin Mint
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Please send me The Ring of The Black Prince. Crafted
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PLAYBOY

vibrant character sketch in his gallery of
rogues) is married, obviously bisexual and
in jail for burglary. While Johnny the
housebreaker sweats it out behind bars, his
beloved dog Evie, a rambunctious German
shepherd, starts fur flying in a heated

Gilliam grins and Barons it.

OFF CAMERA

The tribulations of former Monty
Python/film maker Terry Gilliom
have been legendary since Brazil,
which triggered his war of wills with
Universal executives. His just-com-
pleted epic The Adventures of Baron
Munchausen has been yet another
ordeal. “Making Brazil was a drean
the nightmare came later,” he say:
"With Munchausen, it's been an ago-
nizing seven-month nightmare.” His
litany of horrors began with a battle
for rights to the classic. "We had to
prove that the material was public
domain, albeit the original was
forty-two pages written in 1787 by
Anonymous.” The bad vibes multi-
plied on location in Italy ("We had a
crew speaking four languages, and
I'm totally inarticulate under pres-
sure”), then financial backing evap-
orated, then shooting moved to
Spain, where “African horse fever
broke out and two highly trained
dogs we were using came down with
liver complaints. Then David Putt-
nam got hred as head of Columbia,
and everything turned to rat shit.”
Doggedly optimistic, Gilliam
thrilled with his cast: John Neville as
Munchausen, Robin William
King of the Moon ("an uncre:
appearance" originally meant for
Sean Connery), Eric Idle as "the
fastest runner in the world, pre-
steroids,” plus Oliver Reed as the
god Vulcan. “Reed's fantastic. If he
doesnt get an Academy Award nom-
ination, there is no God." During
the worst of the Munchausen
brouhaha in Rome, "Fellini used to
come into the studio and bless every-
body, crossing himself. My last night
there, we had dinner and wound up

ng around the Trevi fountai
i id Gilli
most made it worth while.

custody battle involving Johnny's wife, his
old mum and stepdad and Frank, who ulti-
mately becomes more obsessed. with Evie
than with her absent master. Bates eases
o his role with grand English finesse,
not quite concealing a smirk of superiority
and noblesse oblige as he drops pound notes
among Johnny's working- in. AL
though the dog, as always, is a scene
stealer, Evie (played by a bitch named
Betsy) gets suff competition from the
company she keeps in this mordant domes-
tic drama with a cutting edge of wound-
ing humor. YV'A

Bill Murray, playing a nasty network-TV
executive, winds up director Richard Don-
ner's Serooged (Paramount), a modernized
spin-off of the Dickens classic, with a dol-
lop of yuletide cheer and bonhomie that
would choke Rudolph the reindeer. Pl:
ing the Scroogelike tycoon with a god-
awful production of A Christmas Carol in
the works, Murray gets to have it both
ways, because the rest of the time—or
most of it—Serooged is sock-full of rudely
hip hilarity and sick seasonal jokes. John
Glover, Karen Allen, Robert Mitchum and
Bobcat Goldthwait add dandy contribu-
tions as Murray's helpers, though Carol
Kane—sporting angel wings and a good
right hook—delivers the comic knockout
punch as the Ghost of Christmas Present,
Pour an eggnog, too, for whoever had the
temerity to cast Buddy Hackett as Scrooge
and gymnast Mary Lou Retton
‘Tim in the TV special within the movic. If
your funny bone has a mean streak, here's
a gift rap of wicked wit and spoofery to
brighten the holidays. Yx%

Gay rights are asserted with mocking
h-camp humor and unabashed pathos
n the film version of Harvey Fierstein's
Broadway hit Tereh Seng Trilogy (New Line).
AIDS was not yet the scary issue it is today
in the early Eighties, when Fierstein first
sashayed to stardom as a drag queen
named Arnold whose relationships with
lovers, his Jewish momma and his gay
adopted son moved audiences to giggle
through their tears. Grim reality now
shadows the lighter side of Ai
dogged search for love, but dire
Bogart does little to inhil
whose performance remains ou
brash and amazing. Whether it will play in
Peoria or elsewhere in Middle America is
doubtful, yet there's plenty of genuine pas-
n shining through the schmaltz
Matthew Broderick's heralded stim as
Arnold's youngest lover seems more a pro-
motional stunt than shrewd casting. Anne
Bancroft initially overacts her Jewish-
mother routine, then settles down to carry
the big scenes. After rstein, though,
the showstopper is Brian Kerwin as Ar-
nold' ried lover, Ed, whose anguished
shifts between the gay and straight worlds
make Torch Song more than a nostalgic
dragtime tune for endangered boys in the
band. ¥¥¥

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

The Accused (Reviewed 1/89) As a rape
victim, Jodie Foster takes charge. www
Buster (Listed only) Paired with Julie
Walters, singer Phil Collins proves he
can act as a train robber on the run. vv
Cocoon: The Return (Listed only) Despite
nice company, this sequel shoulda stood
in the pod. x
Crossing Delancey (11/88) Warm comedy
with Amy Irving and Peter Riegert as a
charmingly mismatched couple. ws
A Cry in the Dark (Sce review) Om
with Meryl the Great.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (See review)
Caine, Martin and Headly play clever
con games on the Riviera. Vey
Everybody's All-American (Listed only)
Quaid and Lange as football jock and
his Jill. Sudsy but star-spangled. wya
The Good Mother (Listed only) Custody
case brings Diane down to earth. — vY
Hotel Terminus: The Life and Times of Klaus
Barbie (12/88) Revisiting a Nazi hench-
man and the company he kept. yvy
The Iron Triangle (See review) Back to
"Nam with humane hindsight. w
itle Dorrit (1/89) hours of Charles
Dickens, but Alec Guinness and Derek
Jacobi make the time fly. vi
Madame Sousatzka (12/88) Teaching
grand piano. MacLa roll. wx
Manifesto (1/89) Revolution with a wry
twist, by Dusan Makavejev ww
Mississippi Burning (Sec review) Dixie's

nes on

death squads revisited. vw
My Stepmother Is an Alien (Sec review)
Piece on earth for space t EL

The Naked Gun (See review) Softheaded
spoof of hard-boiled detectives. vv
Punchline (12/88) Stand-up comedy is
another coup for Tom Hanks, a dead
end for a miscast Sally Field wy
Serooged (See review) Bill Murray's
ad, merry Christmas special. — ¥¥¥¥%
Spike of Bensonhurst (1/89) More broad,
trendy Mafia mockery, about a punk
prize fighter and how he grew. vv
Talk Radio (1/89) Decline and fall on the
air in Dallas, with Eric Bogosian, di-
rected by Oliver (Platoon) Stone. — vy
Things Change (12/88) Mobsters accord-
ing to Mamet ww
Torch Song Trilogy (See review) Life and
loves of a drag queen. vvv
We Think the World of You (Scc review)
Boy meets man, man meets dog. YY
Women on the Verge of a Nervous Break-
down (1/89) Screwball comedy Español
and much more fun than flamenco, vy
Working Girl (Sce review) High rollers in
high heels, and on the money. wy

¥¥¥¥¥ Outstanding
¥¥9¥ Don't miss % Worth a look
4% Good show ¥ Forget it

472 A new Ele.

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By DIGBY DIEHL

Tr gs aways a good season for crime, but
this month brings a particularly rich col-
lection of transgressions to the literary
docket. Joseph Wambaugh's The Blooding
(Morrow) is a detailed nonfiction study of
the first murder case ever to be solved
hrough “genetic fingerprinting" (compar-
DNA in blood or, in this case, semen
samples). In addition to the historical and
scientific interest of the case, it is told with
such passionate fascination for the person-
alities, such careful unfolding of the inves-
tigative process that this book holds the
tension and excitement of an imaginative
police novel. A series of rape/murders and
sexual assaults in the small village of Nar-
borough, England, became the focus of a
police task force that worked for five years
before cracking the case. We are allowed to
experience the lives of the victims and, lat-
er, their families with an intimacy that
magnifies the horror of these crimes. OF
course, at the heart of every Wambaugh
best seller are his candid portraits of po-
emen and his knowledgeable step-by-
step re-creations of police procedure. The
British cops in Narborough and nearby
Leicester are not quite as outrageous as
the L.A.PD.s Choirboys, but their deter-
mined quest for justice and their pecul-
tar brand of constabulary black humor are
familiar,

Wambaughs nonfiction masterpiece,
The Onion Field, burns with his anger at
the nature of psychopathic crime. That
anger is undiminished in The Blooding,
but in this Hth book, we can see clearly
Wanbaugh's evolution from a cop who
writes about his experiences to a master
storyteller who helps us learn from human
behavior at its extremes.

Psychopathology is also at the heart of
E. L. Doctorow’ astonishing new novel,
Billy Bathgate (Random House). Set in De-
pression-era New York City, it is the color-
ful and violent story of gangster Dutch
Schultz and his henchmen, narrated by a
clever 15-year-old boy who has struggled
up out of the poverty of the Bronx to be-
come the youngest member of the gang.
Staying close to the often ranting and irra-
tional Schultz, Billy attentively studies
crime, greed, sex and a distorted micro-
cosm of the Am ethos.

The novel opens with a

stunning

episode in which Billy participates in a
d

c Mob murder. He impulsively jumps
board a cabin cruiser that is carrying for-
ner Schultz associate Bo Weinberg to his
death. Tied to a chair, still dressed in a
tuxedo, with his feet in a laundry tub of
rapidly hardening cement, Weinberg sobs
nd sings Bye Bye Blackbird as his debu-
ante fiancée is taken into an aft cabin by
Schultz. The existential cruelty of the
scene is heightened by the cold-blooded

Wambaugh re-creates the Blooding murder.

A good season for crime
novels; Bob Greene touches
a nerve with Vietnam vets.

efficiency of Schultzs gunmen and Billy's
own wide-eyed terror as he witnesses the
reward for the sort of life upon which he
has embarked.

In previous novels, such as Ragtime and
Worlds Fair, Doctorow skillfully juggles
American history to create a fresh mytho-
logical vision of our past. Billy Bathgate
transforms the vicious New York under-
world of the Thirties into a magical cur-
riculum in American Studies, The crude
poetry of Dutch Schultz's soliloquies and
Billy's own inner monologs become Walt
Whitman-esque cadenzas. Billy's love af-
fair with a wealthy blonde gun moll rever-
berates with E Scott Fitzgerald imagery of
sex and money. The surprise ending cer-
tainly bows in the direction of O. Henry In
passage after passage of his own rich, de-

squarely in the mainstream of American
romantic literature with a magnificent ad-
venture story.

If Doctorow's book emerges from a 19th
Century tradition of storytelling, Richard
Saul Wurman's Information Anxiety (Dou-
bleday) looks forward to a 21st Century
nightmare of technological data run riot,
overflowing computer ın boxes and over-
load signals flashing in everyone's brains.
We're already secing cases of information
bulimia, Chinese-dinner memory dys-
function, Periodical-Proliferation Shock
Syndrome and paper weight-watchers, ac-
cording to. Wurman. As he points out:
"More new information has been pro-

duced in the past 30 years than in the pre-
vious 5001

1 doubt that it will allay anyone's
anxieties, but Wurman’ philosophical
overview of "The Noninformation Explo-
sion" is the most stimulating examination
of our overi
He is a brilliant, shameless eclectic who
has made the unusual organization of his
book a lesson in information management
It is designed so that you can read bits
and pieces of it in no particular sequence
and absorb the same concepts as if
you had read it conventionally. Wurman's
iconodastic approaches to problems of
dassification, communication and under-
standing are fun and coi sensical. His
prescription to cure information an
in a nutshell: Relax, accept your ignorance
and ask questions; fail and learn from it:
try doing things the wrong way when the
ht way isn't working.

Syndicated columnist Bob Greene has
proved he can write candidly about sensi-
tive issues, but in Homecoming: When the Sol-
diers Returned from Vietnom (Putnam), his
role is really that of catalyst and. editor
rather than writer. Incredulous of stories
he had heard about Vietnam vets’ being
spat upon in airports upon their return
from duty, Greene wrote a column asking
vets to respond if that had actually hap
pened to them. The column touched a
nerve: More than 1000 people replied, and
he has edited a representative sampling of
their letters for this book.

A few vets confirmed the spitting stories:
others experienced warm welcomes. Many
more, however, describe the moral equiva-
lent of being spat upon: rude remarks,
cold stares, the feeling of being resented
and unwanted. The outpouring of emo-
tions from all sides in Homecoming makes
clear that here at home. the Vietnam war
will not be over for a long time. But, in the
words of one letter writer, Greene's direct
question made it possible “for a lot of us to
wipe a little spit off our he:

BOOK BAG

(McGraw-Hill), by Lee Daniel
Levine, subtitled "The Making of an
American Sports Legend": Larry Birds
tremendous ability to overcome adversity
is never clearer than in this candid on- and
off-court look at one of basketball's pre-
miere players.

Wait Till Next Year (Banta
Goldman and Mike Lupica: Eat, slecp and
drink New York sports, season by scason,
for a full year. For superfan/Hollywood-
movie man Goldman and New Yorks
oh-so-prolific sports columnist Lupica, it
was an odd couple's 50-yard dash through
the sporting scene.

m), by William

There you are. Standing at the top of the
steepest ski run you have ever seen. Yourskis
seem defiant, anxious to test your ability to
control them. Yourheartracesand your hands
make futile stabbing gestures with your pole
tips in the snow, as if by touching the icy
surface you will plug into some energy source
known only to the most expert skiers. Finally,
after mentally mapping your first few crucial
turns, you take a deep breath, lower your
goggles and push off—a prisoner of gravity,
soaring in ecstasy.

Too advanced for you? Too adventuresome?
Nonsense. The beauty of the sport of skiing is
that descriptions of moments like the one
above apply equally as well to beginners on
their first intermediate slope as to experts
flirting with-death by extreme skiing. Ex-
treme skiing? The definition of "extreme" is
brutally simple. Inextreme skiing, if you fall,
you die. Fortunately, for the rast of us, there

are gradations of extreme. And, as we will
see, there are adventures enough for every-
one. Even for beginners. Welcome to Playboy's
Guide to Super Skiing, ladies and gents.

Let's start at the beginning, because if you
don't have an accurate idea of your skiing
ability, you can’t begin to have fun pushing
your limits. Remember, the first step to skiing
better is to admit how youactuallyski. Unfor-
tunately, for most skiers, this is the hardest
part. Here's why.

Skiing, perhaps more than any other sport, is
daunting to ils practilioners—especially to
beginners. This is why ski publications do
their editorial best to give youas much monthly
slatistigal information as possible so that, if
you can't ski like a skier, at least you can
sound like one. The resèt of all this mostly
useless Data is that some beginners actually
believe theyknowwhatthey are talking about.
And the result of that self-delusion js the
infamous term “advanced Intermediate.”

Not surprisingly, this pressure to appear pro-
ficient extends to more advanced skiers as
well. Intermediates boastihey are advanced,
advanced skiers sneer and proclaim them-
selves experts. Genuine expert skiers, how-
ever, the ones who can skianything atMach5,
rarely play this game. If you ask them to
describe their skiing, they usually just smile
and say something disarming like, “Oh, |
guess you might say | can turn'em both ways.”

So take a tip from the experts. Assess your
ability honestly. Especially when buying or
renting equipment. Never speak with forked
tongue when the guy who Is adjusting your
bindings asks, "What kind of skier are you?”

Next, considerthe options. Skiing is no longer
exclusively defined as what one does on two
alpine skis. More accurately, skiing is a syno-

for " ing great fun in the mountains on
snow." Clearly, FUN is the ultimate goal, yet
there are many paths to achleve it, grasshop-
per. And they all classify as skiing. Moré sr,

less. Shall we look afthe mann?
i ac ee

First, there are types of skiing. These would
include cruising, racing, bump skiing, powder
skiing, tree skiing, freestyle skiing, going for
air/ski jumping, speed skiing, cross-country
skiing (including telemark skiing and skal-
ing), mountaineering, and extreme skiing.
Then there are types of skis. Alpine skis,
nordic skis, monoskis, snowboards, nordic
jumping skis, Mexican jumping skis, mono-
nordic-crashing skis...etc. Finally, there are
things that are just barely, sort of skiing—
kind of. Things like parapenting (jumping off
mountains on skis with a small steerable para-
chute), parachute skiing uphill, hang-gliding
with skis, innertubing (no skis), riding cafete-
ria trays or snow shovels (no skis, no brains),
and being dragged by horses—skijoring, an
actual Scandanaviansports event. Butwhether
you chose to specialize in one area or dabble,
it's all skiing. And it's all fun.

Once you have a good idea of all the wonders
available to you, ask yourself what kind of
st. Are you a speed demon?

like grace? Some skiers lust
alter the weightless feeling that comes from
hurling their bodies off of rocky promontories.
Others get positively rhapsodic about skiing
thatdriest and lightest of all snows—powder.
Some demented individuals actually enjoy
destroying their knees and backs by bashing
through the bumps as fast as gravity and skill
willallow. As in love and sex, there is no best
for everyone. It's purely a matier of taste, a
matter of style.

Begin by asking yourself what kind of chal-
lenges you prefer. If you haven't skied a lot,
and you haven't actually experienced things
like tree skiing or giant slalom racing, ask
instead which kind of skiers you admire most.
Remember, there are no rules here, jus! per-
sonal preferences. For example, some people
think racers are tres cool. Others call racers
“stick chasers" and wouldn't be caught dead
on adownhill course. Some people find cross-
country boring. Others speak of il as if they
had seen God. Powder skiers, on the other
hand, think they are God.

Now assuming you have an idea which aspect
of skiing you mightfind most stimulating or re-
warding, there are a couple of down-to-earth
considerations. Such as? Such as, if you de-
cide to become a serious powder skier—the
kind who uses helicopters for all uphill trans-
Portation—can your bank account take the
strain? Or if you decide to become a racer on

Special Advertising Section

the pro circuit, bang through the gates on solid
ice with skis as stiff as 2x4's, can your body
meet the demands? Or if you decide to get
back to nature on skinny skis, are you really
prepared to deal with any emergeney—Irom
cranky bears to walls of snow moving at 200
mph—when you're 30 miles from the nearest
outpost with a phone? Or a bathroom?

THE 4 COMMANDMENTS

Thus we arrive at the four commandments of
adventure skiing. Assess your ability. Con-
sider the options. Choose your thrill. Con-
sider the realities. These are not carved in
stone, of course, but they may be helpful in
changing your relationship with skiing from an
infatuation to a passion. And passion, as we
all know, is lots more fun than infatuation.

To assist you in deciding what to sign up for
this winter, we have devised a simple test.
Oon’tworry, it's multiple choice and you can't
help butpass. Like skiing itself, the tesl is fun,
fastand very revealing. Racersready? Course
clear? Go!

THE TEST

1. When someone says “powder” you...

a. Think of cosmelics, explosives or illegal stimu-
lanis.

b. Wish you were a better skier because everybody
knows how hard it is to ski powder.

c. Begin to salivale, your eyes glaze over and you
make helicopter noises in public places.

2. Yov'reskiing and you seea slalom course setup
on the left side of the run. It's empty, the race is
over, nobody's looking, so you...

a. Skito the right.

b. Enter the course at the top and ski slowly next to
the gates—just to see what it's like.

c. Ski the course flat out until the mountain closes
and the ski patrol drags you screaming off the hill.
3. You think tree skiing...

a. Is for lunatics and morons with a death wish.
b. Must be fun but only if the trees are gladed with
lots of space in between.

6. Is so much fun that you and your buddies sneak
back in the summer with chain saws to cut your own
secret runs.

4. It snowed two feet during the night. It's morn-
ing, the sun is out, the powder is perfect, so you...
a. Leave town, you have to gel back lo work

b. Catch the first tram up the mountain but wonder
if you have the right gear.

c. Sabotage the first tram after riding up with the
ski patrol.

5. You meet a member of the opposite sex who skis
much better than you do. Naturally you...

a. Realize it won't work out.

b. Ask her/him for lessons.

€. Nobody skis better than you do.

6. A snow cat is...

a. A kind of tractor that runs over beginners.

b. A kind of tractor that smooths out the bumps.

c. A kind of tractor that can take you to perfect
powder even when the weather is too crappy for
helicopters to fly.

7. A helicopter is...

a. Akind of airplane with no gliding ability whatso-

b. An awfully expensive way to go skiing.

c. Your best friend.

8. Your best friend...

a. Thinks you are crazy to be skiing at your age.
b. Skis almost as good as you do.

c. ls a helicopter.

. Cross-country skiing is...

.. For joggers who can't ski.

|. For those times when you just want to gel away
trom it all.
c. What God did on the seventn day.

10. Bumps are...

a. What na ski resort charging $30 a day for lift
tickets should have.

b. What you re finally going to learnto ski this year.
c. Nature's way of saying, “Turn here, now!”

11. "Getting big air" means...

a. You'll never go back to that Mexican restaurant
again.

b. Leaving the snow for more than two seconds.

c. Having enough time to read a trail map and
wonder if your bindings still work before you land.
12. Snowboards and monoskis...

a. Are for kids.

b. Look like fun.

t. Make it hard to decide whal to take up on a good
powder day.

13. To stay in shape for skiing you...

a. Plan to join a health club next summer.

b. Ride your bike and play tennis once a week

©. Work for a living.

14. To mentally prepare yourself for the ski season
you...

a. Walch ESPN

b. Visualize yourself skiing like a World Cup racer.
C. Get your body in shape early.

15. One of your friends looks at the trail map and
says, “You wanna try Death Spiral?”

2
2
15
=

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challenges whatever terrain it encounters. Yet its
150 horsepower provides remarkably smooth high-
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Next time you have the urge to hit the slopes.
do itin a 4Runner. And give your spirits a lift.

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Call F800-GO-TOYOTA for more
informationand nearest dealer location.

Jack Bateman,
a Jack Daniel's whiskey maker

since 1956.

“From the makers of Jack Daniels...

a. You suggest therapy.

b. You say, “I'll try it if you will.”

c. You bet him a fiver you can beat him to the
bottom.

16. The weatherman says you can expect a big
dump tonight.

a. You book the first plane home.

b. You call the office and tell them you are already
snowed in.

e. You're not surprised. The weatherman calls you
twice a day for updates.

17. Ata major World Cup downhill event...

a. You watch the race on TV in your condo.

b. You go sküng because everyone else on the
mountain is watching the race.

€. You fore-run the course.

18. Your spouse/roommate/significant other...

a. Dictatesthat you ski resorts with extensive nearby
shopping facilities/phones the office twice a day.

b. Is as crazy about skiing as you are.

c. Borrowed your 223cm. downhill boards and the
4X4 without waking you up this moming.

19. $30 for a lift ticket is...

a. Outrageous.

b. Not bad. What else can you do for $5/hour that's.
as much tun?

c. Another reason you cross-country ski.

Congratulations. Since Ihere was no way lo fail this
test, you have passed brilliantly, However, since
the available answers ranged trom the Extreme
Timid Beginner variety (all the ones labeled “a”) to
the Exteme Ski-to-Die Fanatic (all the ones listed

under ^c"), some elaboration has been provided
lor your information.

1. No matler whal anyone says, skiing powder is
the absolute easiest kind of skiing. It is also the
most fun. So whatever you do, wherever you go to
ski this winter, don't avoid powder snow. Tip:
Since powder snow naturally offers some resis-
lance to your forward motion, don'ttryto make your
first turns until you have gained a little speed.
Make the turns close to the fall line at lirst—mainly
straight down the hill—and then round them more
as you get a rhythm and gain more speed and con-
fidence. And don'tstep from one ski to the other as
you turn. If you do. one ski will sink and the other.
will float and this imbalance will cause you to fall.
Instead, try to turn both skis together as a platform.

2. Want to turbo-charge your skiing? Just step into
a race course fora run or wo. You don't have to go
fast, mind you; all you have to do is steer around the.
gates. But whether you steer around the gales in a
snowplow or in your best downhill tuck, you'll soon
be hooked.

3. Tree skiing is not for beginners. You need to be
able to make good short turns in all kinds of snow
conditions. You have to be able to ski well enough
10 concentrate on the terrain, not on your turns.

4. Tryto be flexible in your travel plans. Especially
it the snow is perfect on the day you're supposed to
leave. One day of great skiing can make an expen-
sive, crowded week of crud and glop seem all
worthwhile.

5. One of the beauties of skiing is that it is a finesse
sport, nota strength sport. And the better you ski,
the less energy you need to expend. This is why you
may be surprised to see so many kids, women and
old folks zinging past you like you were standing

still. Don't let this discourage you. Let it inspire
you to become more efficient, more aggressive.
Better yet, go take a lesson.

6. Snow cats are a poor man’s answer to heli-
skiing. They aren't exactly cheap, but they will take
you to great powder skiing even in bad weather.
And, unlike jet helicopters, which can whisk you
back up 4000" to start skiing again within minutes,
snowcals travel at a more leisurely pace and offer
you the luxury of resting between runs.

7. Heli-skiing is the ulitmate. Period. Itis also very
expensive. Tip: You will have much more tun heli-
skiing if you can get a group of friends together who
all ski at about the same level and pace.

8. Heli-skiing aside, always try to ski with friends.
who have the same interest, physical ability and
endurance as you. Unless you like wailing, giving
lessons, or trying desperately to catch up.

9. Try cross-country. It's peaceful. It's contempla-
live. It's greal exercise. Tip: Cross-country is no
longer just diagonal striding—jogging on snow.
Two aspects of nordic skiing are very interesting
and may be more attractive il you prefer a more
active form of skiing. Dne is telemark skiing—
essentially downhill skiing using nordic equip-
ment. The other is skaling—essentially replacing
the diagonal stride with a side-to-side skating
motion.

10. Bumps, like ice, are unavoidable. Unlike ice,
which is weather dependent, bumps are more or
less permanent fixtures at all ski areas. You may
never have to learn to ski ice il you watch the
weather, but you should definitely learn lo ski
bumps. Try to think of them as your friends

11. Jumps are fun. Just don't pick ones with flat
landings. And make sure you have a spoller lo

watch for traffic if you can't see the landing site
trom your launch site.

12. Have you reached a plateau in your skiing? Try
something new. Monoskis and snowboards are not
exactly new, but they may be new for you.

13. Your ski fun is directly proportional to your ski
conditioning. How much fun do you want to have?
Awhole bunch? Get in shape. Tip: Find a summer
sport that's as much fun as skiing. That way you
never have to “work out.”

14. The expert has a point here. If you are sure of
your body, you take a lot ol pressure off your mind.
Visualization does work, but it helps to be able to
make 20 or 30 tums without stopping to catch your
breath, too.

15. Try new runs. Also have options if the new run
istougher than you thought it would be and you want.
lo escape. Tip: Many long steep or bumpy runs
have access routes to easier runs. Watch for cat
tracks leading to other runs. But don't be a wimp
either. If you don't ski runs that make you fall, you
won't improve your skiing.

16. Stormsare wonderful. Some of yourbest skiing
experiences will happen when the weather closes
down the roads and leaves youstrandedor discour-
ages the pampered hordes from braving the ele-
ments.

17. The nice thing about big events at a ski area is
that everybody else wants to stop, stand around in
the cold and watch them. This is a perfect time to
go ski. Unless you like standing around in the cold.

18. Ski with skiers. Shop with shoppers. Don't call
the office orread any part ofa newspaper except the
sports and weather.

19. Evaluate Ihe cost of your skiing before you

To the
drinkers of
Jack Daniels.

begin. Decide what you can afford, find out what all
the costs will be, fit that into your budget and then
forget about it. You don't want to be thinking about
money, talking about money, or locking for ways to
save money when you're skiing.

Well, how'd you do? All A's? Thal makes you
a semi-pro couch potato who skis a couple of
weekends a year. All B's? Hmmm. .. maybe
youare an advanced intermediate afterall. Or
maybe you are a B skier with C tendencies?
No? You mean all your answers were C's?
Interesting . . . maybe you are one of those C
types who skis well, who's been skiing a long
time, but just can't seem to generate as much
excitement about the sport as you once did.

Lazy, intimidated, or jaded, the problemis the
same. You need a little nudge to get going. A
friendly hand to get you out of yourrut. Some-
one to come over and turn off your TV and
unplug your refrigerator. What you need is a
goal. Acold white reasonto live. A kickin the
priorities.

Don't worry, we won't suggest a drastic boot
camp physical fitness regimen. Nor will we
attempt to get you fired or spend all your
money in the pursuit of powder and feline

D TIME

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WHI

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grace on snow. What we will do, however, is
suggest that you do something different this
year. Not even “some things.” Just one thing
different.

Ifyou don’t normally take lessons, take one. If
you avoid the bumps like the plague, spend an
afternoon skiing nothing but bumps. If you've.
always wanted to heli-ski, go heli-ski. Just do
one thing different—lel's say, every other
day. If you enjoy it—and you will enjoy it—
don't try to thank us. Just go do something
else you've never done before. Pretty soon,
you'll be hooked on new experiences. Pretty
soon you'll realize that adventure skiing is
simply a matter of doing something that’s new
for you. Who knows, before long, you may be
doing truly C-level things that are new for you.
Maybe even O level. All in the name of fun.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Getting thereis hall the fun. Be sure to plan your
ski adventure with the TOYOTA 4RUNNER SRS.
V6—perlorms anywhere, anytime.

Outonthose snowy slopes stay powder dry with
GILLETTE'S NEW RIGHT GUARD SPORT STICK.

And after that brisk final run—reach for the
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sc DAM;

Lesson number one
in the social graces:
Never be offensive.

How can you separate yourself from
those VES hordes that exude a most
ialodorous air? With Right Guard”

Sport Sticks. Anti-perspirant. And deodorant.
Replete with major protection. Sleek dome top..
And two splendid scents, "Fresh" and “Musk”

| For who wants to appear unschooled in such a
sensitive subject as Personal Hygiene?

E Sport Sticks.
Anything less would be uncivilized.

Fresh or Musk’scent. Anti-Perspirant or Deodorant.

SPORIS

Hee along by Hollywood, there
was a more romantic time in our
history, when an athlete wanted to excel
because of love and the girl next door.
Whether it was because the girl next door
had big tits, we never questioned.

Remember those days?

Curly, State's star quarterback and all-
round good person, gets kidnaped by un-
shaven gamblers on the eve of State's big
game against Normal.

Woe is coach Goldie Bricks, who is tough
ks but has a heart of gold.

The coach goes to Betty Jean, Curly's
girlfriend, who happens to be the sweet-
heart of Sigma Chi and lives in a little
white house only a half block off Flirtation
Walk.

"Curly's been ped," the coach says
to Betty Jean, who's helping her mother
hake a cake.

"Oh, no!” Betty Jean cries out, almost
dropping the mixing bowl. “We can't wi
the game against Normal without Curly!”

‘Our kids will give it all they've got, but
it sure would make it easier if we had Curly
in there so we could hup the ball to him.”

Betty Jean says she bets those unshaven
gamblers are holding Curly in the old
haunted house on the outskirts of town.

“Could be,” says the coach, who has to
leave now and go to the stadium, becaus:
Normal is kicking off to State.

“Bozo and I
Jean says.

Bozo is Curly and Betty Jean's trusty
side-kick, the pudgy fellow who plays a hot
clarinet when everybody dances at the
malt shop.

Betty Jean and Bozo go to the haunted
house. Bozo distracts the unshaven gam-
blers by playing the Washington and Lee
Swing on ihis clarinet, while Betty Jean un-

Curly al Betty Jean race for the jalopy
while Bozo fends off the unshaven gam-
blers with his clarinet.

Dont worry about me,” Bozo yells. "Get
curly to the game!"

Bozo's a good egg.” Curly says, as Betty
Jean drives recklessly through town.

They get to the stadium at the start of
the fourth quarter. State is two touch-
downs behind.

"You know what, Betty Jean?" Curly
asks, smiling. “I'm going to win this game
for you.

“No, Curly,” says Betty Jean, giving him
a kiss. “You're going to win it for all of us—
for everybody who believes in love

By DAN JENKINS

CUPID’S
PLAYGROUND

friendship . . . loyalty. . .and America!”

Down on the side line, as Curly slips into
his football suit, Betty Jean slips into her
cheerleader's uniform.
y trots onto the field. The crowd
roars. Stats band strikes up the fight
song, which sounds remarkably like the
Alabama fight song, and Betty Jean sings:
“Fight on, fight on, / Fight on, men. / Re-
member the Rose Bowl; / We'll win then!"

State lines up in the Notre Dame box
formation. Curly says, "Forty-seven
twenty-three... sixteen . .hike!”

Curly runs 79 yards for a touchdown

Mysteriously State gets the ball back.
Cur i

y says,

State gets the ball back

Apparently,
this era, a team gets the ball back every
time it scores a touchdown.

State is on its own one-yard line and
there is time for only one more play. In the
huddle, Curly looks at his teammates and
-F-seventy-nine
„Hippo, a burly lineman, says.

"s awful risky, isn't it?”
i our only chance," Curly replies.
Surly takes the snapback, throws a pass
to himself, runs 30 yards, pitches a lateral
to himself, runs 30 more yards, pitches a
other lateral to himself and goes the rest of
the way—a 99-yard touchdown play:

osh,

nder the unique rules of

Up in the stands, Bozo, his head band-
aged and his arm in a sling, waves his
jarinet jubilantly.

Happy fans swarm the field and carry
curly and Betty Jean from the stadium to
the malt shop on the campus drag. There,
Bozo is playing the clarinet, coach Goldie
eks is on piano, Hippo is blowing trum-
pet and everybody is singing a medley of
college songs.

Meanwhile, in a quiet corner, Curly and
Beuy Jean sip from the same chocolate
malt out of two straw

1 love this countr

“And I love you,”
ing sweetly

Things are a little diffe:
course.

When Curly tests positive for steroids on
the eve of the big game, Betty Jean dashes
over to the athletic dorm in the Porsche
her daddy bought her.

“What are we going to do?” she asks
Dion Leon, the all-American linebacker,
who's snorting a line of coke as he talks on
the phone to his agent.

Dion can't be bothered, so Betty Jean
races up to the six-room suite thats shared
Rusty Hackle, the all-American run-
ng back, and four nude, sex-crazed
sorority girls, who are nibbling on hin

Rusty can't be bothered, either, so Betty
Jean sceks out Kinky Leaper, the split end,
who hasn't been to a class in three years but.
has twice made the scholastic all-American
team.

“Curly tested positive, Betty Jean says.

"Better him than mi who
takes a hit off a joint that looks like a cigar
as he lies in his indoor hammock and
hes three surf movies on three VCRs.
What do you think we ought to do?
Betty Jean asks.

Kinky shrugs and says, "I dont know
about you, but Im gonna put Normal in a
teaser with Auburn and bet the Under.

inky rolls out of the hammock, unzips
and takes out Wilbur. “So,
is Curly still your old man or what?”
s Betty Jean, lurching for

Curly says.
n sa

Beuy J

t today, of

Later, th
fourth
Kinky says.
now, bitch
“I dont give a shit, asshole,” Beuy Jean
"Why dont we suck up some morc
rocket fuel and go piss on a graveyard?”

‘re siting in a bar having

MEN

A^ so, grasshopper,” the old man said
to me. “You think you know about
love, about men and women and the war
between the sexes, but you dont know
monkey poop about anything."

Was it a dream? I was sitting at the feet
of the famous Chinese philosopher Wun
Hung Low, a man estimated 10 be 2000
years old. It was almost Valentine's Day
and, as if by magic, I had been transported
into the mountains of China, there to
ten and learn about love from this little old
man with the wispy beard and shining
eyes, While we talked, two beautiful Chi.
nese maidens wiped his brow and mas-
saged his neck and fed him rice. The
women wore almost no clothing and their
bodies were shining with oi

“Your eminence,” | said, bowing low,
“you are reputed to know all there is to
know about men and women and their
struggles to understand one another. I find
the subject confusing, Please educate me.”

“I cannot teach a swan to bark," he said,
sniffing. “or a mule to ” As he said
he placed his hands in the maidens’
laps and made a low, moaning sound. “You
are an American male, which by definition
mcans that you are stuck in a mountain of
cultural doggy do. Face it, grasshopper, the
sex livesof you and your brothers are total-
ly screwed up. Almost all of your women
are angry with you, few of them respect
you, most of them feel quite superior 10
you. Your lives have become as bitter as
hemlock tea.”

"This has to be a dream," I said to my-
self. “Soon it’s going to be Valentine's Day. I
should be buying candy and cards in
Chicago. How did I get here?

"What a strange culture," Wun Hung
Low said, laughing, “You name your day of
love after Saint Valentine? How peculiar.
He is a man who was martyred in ancient
Rome. Why choose him as a symbol of
love? Passion and death, sex and pain,
martyrdom and marriage—those are the
combinations you people worship? Very
strange.” He paused. "You have pl
this Valentines Day, I presume?”

“Sort of,” I said.
ou will give gifts?”

I said, nodding.
“You will receive gifts?
” L said, laughing. “But 1 can
explain: Fin the guy, so Im supposed to
give a lot of presents and stuff. If I'm lucky,
I may get a card or two in ret
You accept this imbal
“Yeah,” 1 said, shrugging, “I guess so. I

By ASA BABER

THE WISDOM OF
WUN HUNG LOW

never really thought about it.”

“Tell me, grasshopper, how many of
your Valentine gifts are actually rejected
by the women you give them to?" Wun
g Low sipped tea and ate an egg roll.
1 don't know” I said, shrugging again.
“I never checked.”

ng only of your pitiful
grasshopper, Surely,
ial gifts will be accept-
ed and then simply forgotten, I am speak-
ing of all the other gifts you men offer
women gestures of friendship, moments
when you try to communicate and br
some kind of peace to the sexual wars. For
example, when you smile at a woman, do
you receive a smile in retu
“No, not always. See, women

c pretty

"When you spea
do you rea

"Well" I said, "sometimes. But not al-
ways. See, women are very busy with th
careers and things.

When you do a favor or a kindness for a
woman, do you find reciprocity

“Not necessarily,” I said. “See, women
have been battered throughout history,
and they think it’s our fault and we owe
them.”

“Very strange,” Wun Hung Low mused.
"Men have not been battered?”

“Well, yeah, but that's the way it's sup-
poscd to be. Men have had a tough time

- throughout history, but that’s OK. Women

have also had a tough time throughout his-
tory, and thats not OK."

“Why this double standard?”

"Because women are more precious
than we are and it is our job to protect
them, even at the risk of our lives. Then. if
they are unfair to us, we are supposed to
shut up about it, because men are sup-
posed to be strong and silent."

“Strange.” Wun Hung Low said, smil-
ing, "very strange. Are you sure that is how
you wish to live? | suggest that you men ex-
amine your lives very carefully."

“Where should we start?” I asked.

“Start with this Valentines. Day Ask
yourselves: Arc you being treated equally

are you acquainted with
the three forms of womanly rejection?
They are extremely subile, but you must
learn to recognize them.”

“Please instruct us," I said.

Wun Hung Low shifted on his pillow.
"First, there is the Rejection of the Smiling
Hyena. In this form, the woman smiles at
you and prctends to like you but is actually
ready to bite off your appendages. She
laughs and smiles, but there is great anger
in her eyes. She takes your gilt, but she will
ignore it, and you will never see her again.

“We find, secondly, the Rejection of a
Thousand Waterfalls. In this form, the
woman seems sad, despondent, deeply
touched. But behind the deluge of her
tears, you will find the hard rocks of judg-
ment. She has plans to dump you, even as
she accepts your gift and weeps. This is the
most deceptive form.

“Finally, we have the Rejection of the Ex-
ecutioner. In this, the woman neither sees
you nor recognizes you. You do not exist.
You are an unforgivable male who is to be
punished for every injustice ever commit-
ted toward women. If you hand her a gift,
she drops it at your feet. All men have cx-
perienced this form."

“Not you, surely,” I said.

The women seated by Wun Hung Low
lcd. “Very well, I admit it,
c always been able to attract
women, grasshopper, but only because of
my other name.”

“I don't understand,” I said.

“He is also called Wun Hung Like
Horse,” the women chanted in unison,

Suddenly, everything was clear to me.
Then I woke up and went shopping.

WOMEN

D: Reader:
I just want to tell you how much I

love you. I love your mind. 1 love your
heart. I love your soul. I love the silly way
your nose crinkles when your favorite
quarterback is sacked. | love those wackily
soft triangles of skin on the wp of your
feet, I love the pattern the sweat makes on
your T-shirt and your grunts of pain when
you bench 225. I love your nostril hair. I
love that vulnerable curve to the small of
your back. I love the way you tell a joke, the
way you soft-soap your mother. I love your
high school-graduation picture. | love
your love handles. 1 love you.

Ready to puke? Come on, go with it, it's
fun. Besides, I have to do this. I'm sitting
here at my computer and a big, burly edi.
tor from Playboy is standing over me with a
pistol pointed at my head.

He forced his way into my apartment a
few moments ago, the brute. "No liberated
whining, no feminist diatribes,” he hissed.
€ about love and like

a special issue.

Oh, boy. You and I know that every
column I write is about love, but try telling
this bozo that. So where were we?

L love the way your pupils dilate when
you lie. I love the way you understand the
infield-fly rule. God, is this boring. I'm
putting us to sleep. Try another tack:

“How do you know if youre in love
asked Cleo.

“Well,” she said, "if you know for sure
that he’s scared of spiders, anal retenti
about the cap on the toothpaste, can't swim
and faints at the sight of blood, and you
love him justas much, but not more, you're
probably there.

"But," I said, "what about that nauseous
feeling in your stomach?”

“That's obsession,” she said crisply, and I
fell— Wait a minute! Didn't I already
write this once? Oh, Jesus! OK, how about:

Love, I am afraid of it. It makes my

m not talking about the
inevitable pain of love—Nicholas Cage
spoke authoritatively on that topic in
Moonstruck—its the inevitable subser-
vience that scares me.

The moment I fall

love, I run into the
kitchen and start to cook. Nothing can stop
me; Lam compelled to whip up my famous
chicken paprikash for my beloved. I bake,
1 boil, 1 poach, I wash, I dry, the entire
time feeling cozy and fulfilled.

And when I'm not in the kitchen, Im
dashing madly through lingerie shops,
fingering wispy little garter belts, silky ca

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

LOVE LETTER

isoles, leather dog collars. Whereas nor-
mally, lam the kind of woman who—
pipes up the Playboy editor,
"shaddup."

ut why? This seems to me——
Just put a fucking sock in it, awright? 1
may not be educated, but I can sniff femi-
nist whining a mile off."

The man is Cro-Magnon. Why must I
cope with this rampant testosterone, this
gun? Would a woman do this? No. If a
woman were here instead, we. . .. Aha!

WHY | LOVE WOMEN

Women are the greatest. I love them.
They have the totally right attitude about
everything—for instance, phones. Some
people think that a phones primary pur-
pose is to communicate information. Not
women. We know that the purpose of
phonesis to enable us to watch soap operas
together in nightgowns.

My phone rings at one ext every day I'll
pick it up and say, “I
stand why Erica
person."

And Sandy will say, "Could somebody
please kill Natalie and Jeremy instantly?"

And I will say, "I want to be Tad Martins
wife.” We may actually exchange informa-
tion, such as the fact that there's a great
new hair colorist at Barncy's, but only du;
ing commercials.

Phones are also good for complaining,

for dissecting everything our boyfriends
said and did in the past 24 hours and, yes,
forexchanging monumental insights! Cleo
called this morning. “I have just realized
that in a previous life, I a fluffer,” she
chirped. Momentous!

Women are also aware that nothing,
nothing, is what it seems. IF we ruled the
world, we would relegate linear thinking
to a back burner, where it belongs.

“My boss has postponed the conference
in Wichita,” Rita will tell me.

“Oh, my God!" I'll say "That means he's
definitely leaving his wife.”

“Obviously,” she'll say “But I knew that
yesterday, when Sally in accounting wore
her green jersey."

In communal dressing rooms, women
reign supreme. I'll be trying on, say, a pair
of Romeo Gigli pants and of course I'll be-
come immediately suicidal. "I never real-
ized that my thighs were so intensely like
ausages," "II weep.
come on, doll," a woman next to me
vill say. "Even Paulina the model looks li
Porky the Pi Gigli pants, Jackets, yes;
pants, forget about it.
fou could try controltop panty hose,”
another woman will s;

"Sure," a woman in the far corner will
vell, "then she can have a crotch that starts
at her knees."

I'm saying here that women will be there
for vou in every sort of cri

“] think you're saying that you're all a

s," says the Playboy boy. “We
g no lesbian shit about
ches.” I quell him with a poison glance

Pick a crisis, go ahead. Say you're a wom-
an on a date at a fancy restaurant, and
your escort, during the soup course, tells
you hes bisexual. You know you must im-
mediately go to the ladies’ room, where,
inevitably, a girl you've never seen before is
checking for lipstick on her teeth. First
you'll help her, then you lLexplode:

“Did you see who I'm with? He tells me
he's bisexual! He doesn't even have a mus-
tache!"

“God, you didn’t know thai" she'll say
calmly. “But he's a caterer. Hc went out with
my brother. Maybe you'd like my date. I
hcar he's great in bed, and he knows who
Moschino is, but I don't know, | can't go for
a blond. Want him?"

“The one at the bar? Listen, hc is
definitely good in bed! Reconsider!”

“Broads!” says the Playboy fellow. But 1
can tell he’s impressed.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

|
E

Rad Hot.

Paint the town red on a five-alarm beauty
known as the 1989 Katana 600. Experience a
fusion of optimum performance and maximum
comfort. Here isa hot machine that will truly
elevate your desire to a fever pitch. You'll forge new adventures
through twisting roads and city streets. And every eye that is fortunate
enough to catch you will be green with envy. The engine, based on the
track-tough GSX-R750, is compact, potent, and tuned to deliver strong
torque in the low and mid RPM ranges.

But comfort is what sparks the Katana. A comfortable seat and
riding position help take the kinks out of long-distance trips. And the
fairing vents engine heat away from the rider for greater comfort.
Another example of ergonomic genius.

The '89 Katana 600. Sizzling looks, performance and total comfort
that will have a lot of heads turning

and saying, .. . “Rad On, Suzuki” SUZUKI.

For the name of your nearest Suzuki Motorcycle and ATV dealer call: 1-800-255-2550.
Please ride safely. Read your owners manual carefully. Always wear a helmet, eye protection, and protective riding apparel. Remembe
or drugs dont mix Take a viding skills course For the course nearest you call the Motorcycle Safety Foundation at 1.800.

iding and alcohol
4700

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

F have a problem on which d E
advice. I'm 29 years of age and single
1 haven't had sex for at least three y
Where | live, the women arc nearly all
married or engaged. Actually, I don't know
many women, since I am kind of shy How-
ever, onc girl 1 know likes me a lot. She is
about my age and lives with her parents.
That's where the problem is. 1 know from
the signals she gives when we are alone
that she would make love with me. In fact,
she has all but asked me to have sex with
her. lm the one who hesitates. Not that she
isn't preity—shes very attractive! 1 fan
size about her a lot, but Tm afraid to make
a move, She has a big mouth! She cant
keep a secret. If we were to engage in sex,
her relatives would find out for sure. In
fact, I might just as well tell them my inten-
tions, because she would surely let the cat
out of the bag. Fm afraid they would come
down on me like a sledge hammer if they
found out.

How can I persuade her not to tell any-

one about our making love? Should I trust
herto keep our sex life private? I need some
advice.—]. D., Harrogate, Tennessee.

Exactly how do yuu expect her to break the
news to her parents? “Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Ud
like you to meet my new sex toy. Hes eight
inches of throbbing steel . .."? Unless her par-
ents belong 10 the Mob or some revenge cult,
we'd let the situation proceed. Sexual intima-
cy has a tendency to create its own privacy—
your mouth and hers vill have better things
to do than talk, And most parents don't want
to know, especially if shes your age.

WI, ziritriend and 1 arc engaged in a
debate about the besi way to visit paradise.
Specifically, we want to travel to Tahiti and
some other islands in Polynesia. She has
heard about a luxurious cruise ship that
calls at several islands and thinks thats the
way to go—no packing and unpacking. I
would prefer a room that didn't rock and
roll, and I'm also worried that a cruise I
that would sink me financially. Whats the
best way to island-hop?—P. J., New York,
New York.

Cruises are a hat ticket for island-hopping;
they are only slightly more expensive than
land packages and they have a certain charm
(especially if you plan to spend most of your
time playing in your stateroom). The draw.
back to such a cruise is that while you get to
sve a lot, you don't have much time to interact
with the people or their islands. A friend of
ours who recently spent time on Bora-Bora
claims that many of his most memorable en-
counters look place over lingering restaurant
dinners or as he strolled down a beach and
struck up conversations with the locals.
Tough to do if you have to be back on board in
an hour or two. Seven days on the Wind
Song (a 440-foot motorized sailing vessel)
runs from $1895 to $2400 per person, or

EDI

nearly $635 per day for two people. That in-
cludes all your meals and, naturally, trans-
portation from island to island. The best
accommodations on Bora-Bora, such as the
remarkable new Moana Beach Hotel, go for
nearly $400 per night Jor two people, and
meals ara extra (and nol exactly cheap). Of
course, your room at the Moana Beach is ac-
tually an over-the-waler thatched-voof bun-
galow, complete with a glass-bottom coffee
table for viewing the fish without getting wet.
It may not be what Gauguin had in mind,
but you could probably suffer through it for a
few weeks

Heres a sexual technique for Playboy
readers. My wife and 1 play something
called statues. I call her from work and ask
her to fantasize about a sexual position for
lovemaking later that day. She has to find a
position—anywhere in the house—and
then freeze in it. [ have to be able to touch
her, kiss her and eventually penetrate her
ithout her moving a muscle. We find that
the hours of planning and anticipation
make great foreplay, while the challenge of
finding a suitably accessible position offers
both humor and tension. On different oc-
casions, 1 have found her on the dining-
room table, on the weight bench in our
home gym or just peering out an open
window, buttocks bared to the room. It is
very exciting and our roles can be re-
versed. Sometimes I get to be the frozen
one.—E. O., Chicago, Illinoi

Thanks for the tip. Generations of Ameri-
can wives have played this game—only they
called it “pretending to be asleep.

When we entertain, 1) get the carving
duty—and 1 always boich the task. Talk
about hack jobs! A friend suggested that
¡he problem may be my knife. What kind

of knife is best for carving? Can I get by
with an all-purpose blade or do I need
assortment?— T. P, Hartford, Connecticut.

Your friend sounds as sharp as your knives
ought to be. The fact is, carving a roast or a
turkey isn't dificuli—undess your knife is
dull, in which case, the best you can do is
hack away. Regardless of shape, size or pur
pose, the best knives are those that will lake
and maintain a razor-sharp edge for a rea
sonable period. The best knife blades are
made of high-carbon stainless steel.

A basic arsenal of knives includes the
following: (1) an cight-to-ten-inch chefs
Anife—triangular blade, wide at the base, ta-
pering to a point— which is indispensable for
chopping and slicing and, in a pinch, can
substitute for a carving knife; (2) a utility
knife—shaped like a chefs knife but small-
er—handy for a variety of jobs around the
kitchen; (3) a paring knife—three 10 four
inches long—good for peeling and small cut-
ting jobs; (4) a carving knife—long and
straight, tapering to a point; (5) a bread
knife—long, with a serrated or scalloped
edge; (6) a sharpening steel to give your
knives an edge between professional sharpen-
ings.

Keep knives in a block or on a magnetic
knife bar rather than in a drawer. If a drawer
is the only available storage space, put the
knife in a sheath to protect against buffeting
by other utensils. Consistent use of the sharp-
ening steel will help maintain your knives in
good condition. Hold the steel horizontally in
one hand at a slight angle away from you.
Hold the knife in the other hand, with its
point straight up, and, working from the base
to the point, pull the blade down and across
the steel. Repeat this procedure on the other
side of the steel with the other edge of the
knife. Do each edge several times. To keep
them at their best, knives should be profession-
ally honed from time to time.

An ald joke has the wife complaining
about a headache every time the husband
iates sex. My problem is just the oppo-
site. Quite often, after I reach climax, 1 cx-
perience an incredible headache. Have you
ever heard of such a phenomenon?—
R. W, Washington, D.

The tension associated with sex can trigger
several kinds of headache—fiom a dull
muscle-contraction headache to something
called benign orgasmic cophalalgia. Accord-
ing to an article in Medical Aspects of Hu-
man Sexuality, “Men may be more prone to
experiencing muscle-contraction. headaches,
since most couples favor sexual positions in
which the male is more active, without head
and neck support.” What are the contribut-
ing factors? “Muscle-contraction headache
can occur in any personality type but is char-
acteristically associated with states of pro-
longed chronic anxiety. Maintenance of a
rigid head-and-neck posture may be the body's

PLAYBOY

attempt to brace itself against the anticipated
psychological assault from a hostile environ-
ment. This symbolic stance can lead to real
and severe pain, as the toxic metabolites of the
muscles in spasm irritate nerve endings and
generate a cycle of further spasm-pam-
spasm Like migraine patients, those with
muscle-contraction headaches have difficulty
expressing aggression and hostility and feel
impotent in the face of overwhelming psycho-
logical forces. The normally heightened my-
otonia inherent in coitus is intensified and
escalates to progressrue, persistent headache.”
Most doctors treat the problem with relaxation
therapy. To put it succinctly: Hang loose.
Next time you make love, monitor yourself for
tension. Are you grinding your leclh or hav-
ing sex in a headstand? Stari sex with a mas-
sage and the headaches may go away. lf not,
check with a doctor

Fa tike to present an old vintage cognac as
an anniversary gift to a friend whos an
aficionado. l've looked high and low, but I
havent been able to locate such an item.
Does anything like it exist? If so, can you
sicer me in the right directi J. P. Dal-
las, Texas.

By “vintage cognac,” we assume thal you
mean one that was made entirely from grapes
groun in a single year. Until recently, ther
was no such animal on the market, which
accounts for your difficulties. However,
Prunier 20 Years Old, a cognac certified as
the product of a single harvest, aged in wood
for 20 years in a bonded state warehouse, is
now available in limited quantities, Maison
Prunier states that the cognac was made with
grapes from the 1966 harvest and bottled in
1987. It can be ordered through selected wine
and liquor shops.

Cognac is traditionally offered as a blend
of distillates from grapes grown in different
years, based on the philosophy that blending
results in a superior and more consistent
product. But there have always been a few
maverick producers who wanted to bottle
cognacs that were the product of a single har-
west for their individuality and style. While
the Cognac Bureau (a French quasi-govern-
ment agency that supervises the production of
cognac) has never actually prohibited the bot-
tling of vintage cognacs, its stringent require-
ments as to verification of the age of any
cognac bottled as a vintage make il virtually
impossible for any cognac house to qualify.
But Prunier has met the challenge and plans
to continue producing a vintage cognac as
purt of its line. More vintage cognacs should
be coming along in the next decade or so as
other producers get into the game.

Wa are the odds of getting AIDS
from a single sexual encounter? 1 recall
seeing the figures somewhere, but now I
cant find them. Would you search your
files?—O. E, Seatile, Washington.

There is no single set of odds. The most reli-
able predictions come from the Journal of the
American Medical Association. Ifyou have
sex with someone who has the virus and do
not use a condom, they say, you have a

one-in-500 chance of becoming infected. If
you have 500 sexual encounters with that
same person, your chances are two oul of
three. Using a condom reduces the odds to one
in 5000 afier a single encounter: one in 11
afier 500. Having unprotected sex is the
equivalent of playing Russian roulette: You
know the gun is loaded. Since most people in
America have not been tested for AIDS anti-
bodies, it is unlikely that you will know the in-
fection status of your partner. If your partner
does not belong to a high-risk group (homo-
sexual or bisexual men, intravenous drug
users from major metropolitan areas,
hemophiliacs) and you do not use a condom,
you stand a one-in5,000,000 chance of
catching the virus after a single encounter; a
one-in-16,000 chance after 500 encounters.
Use a condom and your odds of catching the
virus decrease to one in 50,000,000 after one
sexual encounter; one in 110,000 after 500
encounters. What if your partner does belong
to a high-risk group and you still have sex?
Without a condom, your chances of being in-
fected range from one in 1000 to one in
10,000 after a single encounter, If you have a
relationship that lasts for 500 sexual encoun-
ters, the odds range from one in 32 to one in
three. To put these odds into perspective: You
stand a one-in-33,000 chance of crashing on
take-off or landing of a commercial airplane
flight; a one-in-85 chance of crashing in an
airplane you built yourself (as suitable a
metaphor for love as we've ever found). The
clear message from these statistics is that a
condom can be maus best friend.

A iicr investing a great deal of time and
an inordinate amount of cash keeping my
car protected and clean, in: a
friend now tells me that detailing is the oi
ly way to go for car care. What am I doing
wrong?—G. H., Atlantic City, New Jersey.

Detailing your car is like getting a mani-
cure: You know you can do it yourself, but
it just looks and feels better when someone
else does it for you. A reputable detailer
should clean your vehicle with a surgical pre-
cision that results in an extremely clean and
shiny automobile. Were talking about taking
Q-Tips to gauges and steam cleaning the en-
gine. In addition, he should provide protec-
hon from the environment (Le, weather
sealing the paint job) for a few months down
the road. Make sure you find a detailer with a
good reputation. Ask around. An experi may
cost more (prices range from $125 to $150),
but youll be taking the high road.

F share an apartment with three
of whom has an operatic sex life, five
nights a week. Is there a tactful way to ask
her to keep the noise down or to give
break altogether? What was once comic is
now just irritating. It has gotten to where
we can't study—Miss W. E., Denver, Colo-
rado.

Have you tried talking with her? All three
of you could stand outside her room with
score cards, rating the performance. You
could set up a tape recorder, tape the noises
and play them back at full volume. Is it real

or is it Memorex? You could take 1000 card-
board egg cartons and tack them to the walls
of her room for soundproofing. You could buy
her a gag from one of those SIM shops. Sug-
gest that maybe her boyfriend doesnt need
audio feedback—that dawing his back would
prove just as effective. Maybe shes faking the
noise—in which case, everyone is losing oul.
Maybe she is reacting honestly to an incredi-
ble lover—in which case, demand that she
share the techniques, if not the lover, with all
of you. At the very least, suggest that she do
it at his house occasionally. Or, if her boy-
friend has three friends, start a chamber-mu-
sic society.

A fier years of faithful servie

my AM/

savings in a new, updated version, I'd like
to revamp my entire sound system and still
be able to eat. Any suggestions?—N. T. D.,
Calgary, Alberta.

Look into a rack system. They're compact,
stylish and reasonable enough to cause mini-
mal financial damage, Kenwood, Sony, JVC
and Panasonic all make a wide range of rack
systems that include tuners, amps, cassette
decks, CD players, speakers and shelves, most
of which will expand as your system does.

WW hy does your heartbeat increase dur-
ing lovemaking? Is it the exercise or the ex
citement? Can you lose weight by making
love?—P. W, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

According lo Gabe Mirkin, a sports-medi-
cine specialist, your pulse quickens during
lovemaking because of catecholamines—hor-
mones that the body produces during periods
of excitement. You aren't going aerobic, just
chemical. Mirkin also ciles a New York doc-
tor, Abraham Freedman, who suggests that
you can lose as much as a pound every four
days by reaching for your mate instead of
your plate. By substituling sex for a 700-calo-
rie between-meal snack, he claims, you avoid
the calories in the snack and you burn 200
calories as well, for a total of 900 calories.
Mirkin challenges those figures: Very few
people burn 200 calovies during sex (aggres-
sive coupling burns about 250 calories an
hour—but if youre that cager, are you going
to last an hour?). Mirkin calculates that fore-
play (or, for that matter, being the passive
partner in intercourse) burns only 100 calo-
ries an hour. Orgasm apparently consumes
400 calories per hour but lasts only about 15
seconds. You'll have to look for other ways to
lose weight.

All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars io dating
problems, taste and ¢tiquette—will be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

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DEAR PLAYMATES

T he question for the month:

How well or how long do you have to
know a man before you're willing to get
physical?

F iiends before lovers is what I say to thi
question. My relationships have worked
out best that way. Even though its hard
to wait to get physical, | always do.

want my sexual experience to come with
love. The wait-
ing makes the
sex mean more.
These days. 10
start a new re-
lationship
means to use
protection. If 1
were 10 start a
new sexual re-
lationship now,
Pd ask the guy
to get a blood
and even

tive, if he wanted
me to take the test again, I would. I've only
been with three guys in my life, but I had
the test anyway, just to make sure.

KARI KENNELL
FEBRUARY 1988

People do tend 10 lie about their past
I'd ask for a blood test, even though that
wouldn't cover all infectious diseases. How
long two people wait to have sex has a lot to
do with chem-
istry. But you
have to be care-
ful about con-
traception and
you both have
to be willing to
talk about your
sexual histo-
ries. In fact, to
break the awk-
wardness of
Ed talk first. Ies
going 10 be
tough to ask, "Are you bise adrug
user?" If he were, would he tell me? I dont
think so. I'd have to try to protect myself,
because 1 know where I've been.

BRANDI BRANDI
987

F don't think the answer is how long have
you known someone, but how well. It has
to do with honesty and tru
with being able to ask, “Is the
should know?" You cant get that k
rapport on onc date, but vou might learn
enough in a
week to know if
someone is ly-
ing to vou. I
have to be able
to believe the
answer to "Do
you have AIDS
or herpes?" If
I get what I
think isan hon-
est answer, even
if it’s yes, | love
him for telling
the truth. Look, everyone I've talked to
hates condoms. One of the options is not to
sleep with anyone until you get in a rela-
r stick with it. Its restrict
wt like that very much, either.
ate for the time being, Until I

odas do.

LAURA RICHMOND
SEPTEMBER 1988

INbowadays, think that it’s very impor

tant to know someone before you have sex
with him. I wouldn't sleep with just anyone
Ive been with the n for four years.
but if I were starting a new relationship,
Fd want to talk
about his past
relationships
and ld hope
we wouldagree
about our mu-
tual intentions.
My boyfriend
and I have
talked. about
getting the
AIDS blood
test, but my
doctor discour

aged it. He said the test is still unreliable
enough to give one either a false sense of
security or the scare of a lifetime. Until the
test is more accurate, I think people need
10 communicate un each other about the
important sexual facts of their lives.

TERRI LYNN DOSS
JULY 1988

Finink it would be great to be friends for
a couple of months first. Then I'd feel com-
fortable enough to talk about how both of
us have been taking care of ourselves sexu-
ally. By then, I've observed his behavior
and he has
checked out
mine, 100. Peo
ple are soaware
of AIDS now
that no one's
ego is harmed
by saying.
"Lets go gei
a blood test"
One of the men
ed told me
that he had
been seeing a
girl who had messed around so much that
he had had the blood test. He offered this
information to me. 1 think that happens
more often if you've gotten to know some-
one first, and it shows real consideration on
the part of a prospective partner.

>, ELOISE BROADY
APRIL 1988

Monty sleep with men I know and E have to
feel very strongly about someone to even
want to sleep with him. Part of feeling
rongly about
someone is
agreeing with
him about life-
style. For me,
that would not
include promis-
cuity 1 feel I
have 10 know
my sexual part-
ners, and there
io time lim-
it. Both people
have to be un- ^
afraid and up front about their past and be
willing to talk to each other about it

Que en

JULIE PETERSON
FEBRUARY 1987

Send your questions to Dear Playmates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but well try.

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For many people—maybe for most
people—the idea of legal
conjures up nightmare vi
nation self-destructing in an orgy ol
chemical abuse, They presume that on-
ly they, and a few other sensible souls,
could resist the lure of uncontrolled
substances and would be

doomed to live hunkered
barricad-

down behind
ed doors a
the police would be stoned.

For those of us who are
awake, the nightmare is
now. What we have is de
facto drug legalization.
Anyone who wants drugs
can get them and, if you're
not tooting or shooting foo
obviously, the risk of pun-
ishment is minimal—even
lor cops, kids. Yuppies.
welfare mothers, famous
athletes and train engi-
neers. When you find an
lowa farm boy with a dol-
lar bill up his nose, you
know that the potential for
illegal-drug use has pretty
much been realized MAS:

Our present laws make N
some poor people rich and Kr
keep drugs attractive be-
cause of the good old
American “Don't tell me
what to do” attitude, the
e trait that made Pro-
on such a great sue
—at giving birth w
organized crime, discred-
g the law a
law enfore

talk

EST

EJ. HELL

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

LIFE AFTER LEGALIZATION?

LADA

BETTER x

By William J. Helmer

tanualizing). Age restrictions—any le-
galization plan would undoubtedly
have them—would still keep drugs at-
tractive for adolescents who need to
outwit the system and defy parental au-
thority, We cant tell kids nor to do
they'll do them anyway. We cant

‘Sixty THOUSAND

0YS

To REPLACE |
THEARMYOF

DRUNKARDS ;
“THAT WILLGO
Wee

7 MOTHE HAVE YO!

ies poster portends todays t tear of à drug Ina.

to use them. Among tolerably well-ad-
justed young people, the need to get
high is not as great 2s is the drive to
conform or to imitate—usually celebri-
ties and famous athletes. The things at
which celebrities excel require certain
qualities, to be sure, but good
sense is not necessarily one
of them. They are as prone
to stupidity as anyone else
Ihe difference is that their
stupidity and bad judg-
ment are newsworthy, al-
fordable and (with a few
glaring exceptions) surviv-
able, and whatever prob-
lems drugs cause them,
personally or professional-
ly, are seldom apparent to
the television viewer.
Celebrities give drugs a
certain glamor that pro-
vides a strong argument
against letting the free-en-
terprise system sell drugs
(though seeing starlets
pitching heroin might be
fun), And the best way to
strip the glamor from
drugs is to see that they
remain generic and are
distributed exclusively
by Government agencies.
Nothing would reduce the
novelty and the attractive-
ness of drugs more than
having to stand in line for
them at a Government
operated clinic, where
staffers would doubtless be
wonderfully adept at in-
competence, incivility,
passive-aggressive obstruc-

things would get if drugs
were legalized: Half the vi-
olence in our citics today is
ith drugs, a result either of ingesting
ing the money to buy
ion would give us
life as we know it— without
OF course, theres a ley
cern about kids using drugs a
passage agers are
(only a Nancy Reagan
come up with something
that makes forbidden fruit eve

tell them its OK to do drugs; they'll
turn into test pilots going for the outer
limits of drug usc. Education that scpa-
rates use [rom abuse might save lives by
providing information on how to do
drugs without doing damage. If you're
going to drive, you need to know where
to find the brake:

But there's obviously something in
addition to the effects of the drugs
themselves that entices teens and others

tionism and ordinary rude-
ness. The system would be
so user unfriendly that it would dis-
courage the casual use that could, in
fact, lead to addiction.

Furthermore, just making drugs
legal, available and cheap would doom
the i ional drug industry ov
night, saving billions now being spcnt
on law enlorcement that is failing
spectacularly to interdict smugglers—
and frecing those funds for drug edu
cation and rehabilitation. And levying

even a modest tax on legalized drugs
could raise enough money to retire the
nauonal debt.

The rich might object to the degrad-
ing clinic experience and be tempted
to buy their drugs at a small mark-
up from someone willing 10 endure
bureaucratic indignities. That would
have to be discouraged, so we should
leave in place some pretty Draconian
penalties—such as confiscating the
BMW—for yone who goes outside
the system.

There's a down side to everything, of
course. If drugs were legalized and bu-
reaucratically dispensed in a manne
that eliminated much of their appeal.

HMM RAN VZD ANS SILA

Wany

1828 North Amarican Syndicate, I
ad wan presor GLA. tene

maz:

we would also be eliminating an im-
portant avenue of upward social and

itted an otherwise disadv.
med Al Capone to ascend from a
lowly brothel bouncer to Chicago's mul-
timillionaire crime lord in less time
than it takes most people to finish col-
lege. In the same city, drug prohibition
recently allowed another unschooled
slum Kid to meet his maker in a coffin
built to look like a Cadillac. em.
balmed fingers festooned with d
mond rings and clutching wads of
money. Thanks to our naive and moral-
istic approach 10 the drug problem

Panicky headlines and national hys-
teria have, for nearly eight decades, col-
ored Americans’ feelings about dr
use. We've heen told often enough that
legalization means license, that legal-
ization means approval, that legaliza
me and chaos.

Legalization, if handled properly.
means none of those things. lt means
that the black market would shrink; it
means that we could isolate the crimi-
nal by-products of drug abuse from the
public-health issues; it means that we
would have more resources for educa-
tion and drug treatment.

If drugs were decriminalized, Amer-
ica would look like thi

DRUG SALES.

+ Drug sales would be permitted only
by Governmentlicensed vendors.

+ Vending would be restricted to

pharmacies and clinics.

+All decriminalized drug products
would be sold generically Brand-name
competition would be prohibited,

+The commercial middle person
would be eliminated. The Government
would act as the middle person and dis-
tribute drug products to vendors.
The Federal Government would ne-
e drug purchases directly with
foreign governmei

*Foreign governments would be
given economic incentives for control-
z production neling distri
bution through legitimate channels.

*Proceeds of drug sales would be
taxed

ict price cont
costs low.

+ Drugs would be provided on de
mand to discourage the development
of black markets.

ls would keep

By Georgette Bennett

* Government clinics would dispense
free drugs to impoverished addicts and
offer treatment and re-education pro-
grams.

PUBLIC HEALTIL

"Ihe Food and Drug Administra
tion would impose strict quality-control
and labeling requirements on dru

* The majority of drug-enforcement
and drug-imerdiction dollars would be
redirected to treatment and prevention
facilities.

* Ma: antidrug advertising and
public-education campaigns would be
undertaken.

* All commer
would be banned.

Antidrug education would be a
mandatory part of all school curricu-
lums.

+All community. centers. servicing
school dropouts and impoverished
populations would be required to
provide-antidrug education
imum-age requirements would
be established.

+ Outreach programs would be de-
veloped for underage offenders.

7 People in whom drugs induce psy-
chotic, violent behavior would be treat
ed through the mental-health system
and subject to involuntary commit-
ments.

l advertising of drugs

CIVILCONTROLS

* Civil penalties for workplace drug
use would be established.

* Strong corporate antidrag policies
would be promulgated.

+ Bona lide job-related criteria would
be developed for jobs in which drug
use was prohibited on and oll duty.

"Where bona fide job-related cr

ria could be established, noninvasive
drug-testing procedures would be im-
plemented. Drug testing would be con-
ducted only where reasonable suspicion
or probable cause could be established.

CRIMINAL SANCTIONS

minal sanctions would apply for
impaired.

Circumventing regulations for legal
sales of drugs.
ouging price:

Selling drugs through unauthor-
ized outlets, including by mail or by
wire.

Skimming, evading taxes and keep-
ing criminally negligent records.

* Enforcement responsibilities would
be divided among the Bureau of Alco-
hol, Tobacco and Firearms, the Drug
Enforcement Administration and the
FBL

Legalizing drugs would obviously
not rid our society of all drug corrup-
tion, blac rketeering or underage
drug use. However, with drug legaliza-
tion, much of the drug-related crime
would decrease and. public education.
and much-needed treatment programs
would increase.
free society is based on the prem-
ise that human beings. rational and
can be trusted to make informed choic-
es. Just as an excess of tar and nicotine,
calleine, cholesterol, alcohol and sug;
can be harmful to users and yet be le-
gal, so also should drugs be legal.

Georgette Bennett, the author of
"Crimewarps: The Future of Crime in
America,” is a former professor of sociolo-
ey at the City University of New York and
has worked as an udvisor to the New York
City Police Department.

R E A DE

R RES

PONSE

REISMAN REVISITED
Judith A. Reisman lives in a dream
world if she thinks magazines such as
Playboy make readers run out and com-
mit sexual crimes (“The Big Lie: Reis-
man Revisited." by James R. Petersen,
The Playboy Forum, October). She ap-
parently spent too much time talking
with Mr. Green Jeans
Shane Hines
Arlington, Texas

It goes without saying that pe-
dophiles are sick people who would mo-
lest children e if Playboy, Penthouse
and Hustler did not exist Yet you
devote four and a hall pages to Re
mans “Executive Summary: Images
of Children, Crime and Violence in
Playboy. Penthouse and Hustler Maga-
zines.” Did her bullshit study scare you
that badly?

John H. Kindt
Raleigh. North Carolina

About the cartoon (published in the
March 1972 issue of Playboy and
inted The Playboy Fo

Wildmon. I usually just toss it into the
garbage, but after reading vour article
on Reisman, I noticed that the Journal
has a two-column advertisement for the
Reisman report that states that it puts
Playboy in its “true light" To keep the
ALEA. views in perspective, your read-
ers should note that the A.EA. Journal
also says that the television show Alf
promotes "incest and child sex."
(Name and address
withheld by request)

The Reisman report is a disgrace to
social research as well as to Reisman
herself

Henry
Virginia

Wayne Joh

As the following letters attest, Reisman
mailed her report or a summary of it to
bookstores and newspapers in order to en-
courage them to publish editorials against
Playboy or to pull the magazine from
their shelves.

Two yea

ayo, a local decency group

descended upon the Houghton |Michi-

gan] County Board of Commissioners
to demand that it enacı a law to remove
pornography from stores. The board
refused.

I thought that that was the end of the
matter. Not so. Judith Reisman has
been circulating her report indicating
that Playboy and other magazines cause
child abuse—and bookstores, including
Michigan ‘lech’, are refusing to carry
them.

Michigan Tech 15 not an activist cai
pus, but I'm hoping this free-speech is-
sue will inspire discussion on campus
about the right of adults to make their
own choice of reading material

Robert P. Yeo.
Laurium, Michigan

I have been a reader of Playboy for
many years and have vct to see children
"in the nude, in full intercourse with an
adult or being violently molested,” as
one reader of The Free Press newspaper
in Carrollton, Ohio, believes. The letter
writer was basing his statements on the
report issued by Judith Reisman
Linda L.. Icenhour
Carrollton, Ohio

rum, October) that supposedly
implies incest. Iheres also a
bear in bed with the girl. Does
that imply bestiality? A picture
is worth 1000 words, and Judith
Reisman's interpretation of the
picture is just (hat— ler-
pretation. Maybe the a
prostitute, maybe she is the
mans wife, maybe. . .

Reisman should also note
that breast size varies. from
woman to woman. Not all full-

Lam sure that I am not alone
in my concern over the lies stat-
ed as fact by the. people who
quote the Reisman report. Our
constitutional rights are threat-
ened more by people in our
own country than by our for-
eign "enemies.

W. S. Griffith
Canal Winchester, Ohio

The Somerset Messenger

grown women have full-grow
breasts. She has forgonten th
purpose of cartoons—to make
us laugh. Even if the artist did
imply incest, the twist is in the
caption. Perhaps the cartoon it-
self teaches us a lesson about
incest

Lynn Willer
Sodus, Michigan

Reisman is a fucking wacko.
Her so-called findings are to
ly lud »d hilarious, a
the conclusions cannot possibly
be supported.

Jack Lee

Bridgewater, New Jersey

For some reason, I'm on the
mailing list of the A.FA. Jour
nal, published by Donald E.

and Steve.”

"Sodomites eat human waste.
— THE REVEREND HIRAM CRAWFORD

“We don't raise no sissies—we raise men.”
ALDERMAN MARLENE CARTER

The human-rights ordinance did not pass.

The following statements were made during the
time that the Chicago City Council was pondering
a human-rights ordinance that would prohibit dis-
crimination against homosexuals:

“In the words of the great Reverend [Hiram]
Crawford, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam
ALDERMAN WILLIAM BEAVERS

Gazette published an article
about a man who claimed that
pornography causes child mo-
lestation and drug abuse. Its
amazing that a mere 50 miles
west of the most intellectually
advamed city in the world,
there are people with such
small minds.

W. Sarra

Bridgewater, New Jersey

VOODOO SEX
Regarding voodoo sex as de-
scribed by Julie Goodall in "For
the Record" (The Playboy Fo
rum, September), after enjoy
ing Playboy for 13 years, I have
yet to have the urge to stick
needles in my dick!
Jack Shahan
New Creek, We:

Virginia

CANCELING CIVIL LIBERTIES

TWO HUNDRED YEARS

OF POSTAL SPYING AND CENSORSHIP

The Postal Services meddling in
m nstead of merely delivering it —is
by no means a recent phenomenon. The
entrapment schemes described in "The
Child-Pornography Myth," by Lawrence
A. Stanley, and “Operation Borderline,"
by Frank Kuznik (The Playboy Forum,
September), arc simply its latest Gestapo
ploys. For from its carliest d behind
that cheery fagade of indolence and inso-
lence, postal officials have been doing one
thing efficiently: canceling civil liberties.
he following is a partial litany of Po:
Service offenses,

From 1835 until the Civil War, many
outhern postmasters—illegally but with
the acquiescence of the Postmaster Gen-
eral—suppressed abolitionist literature
because of its incendiary nature. The en-
suing controversy came to the attention
of the Congress, and Senator John Davis
of Massachusetts noted that, under some
state laws, the Declaration of Independ-
ence itself could be considered incendi-
ary and, thus, barred from the mail.

In 1873, Anthony Comstock success-
fully lobbied Congress for a Federal law
(still standing as the Comstock Law) to
ban obscene material from the mail. Ob-
then as now, was not clearly
defined. Comstock was appointed special
agent of the Post Office and he arrested
people who sent contraceptive devices
and birth-control information through
the mail. By January 1, 1874, be had
seized 194,000 obscene pictures and pho-
tographs, 134,000 pounds of books and
50.300 rubber articles (mostly condoms).
of his victims was a magazine pub-
lisher convicted for mailing a periodical
that contained a letter to tbc editor ask-
ing if there were legal redress for a wom-
an whose husband had forced her to have
sexual relations even though she was re-
covering from a vaginal operation. The
publisher served more than one year in
prison. Comstock prosecuted anyone
who advocated sexual views that did not
conform to his own and bragged about
having driven at least 15 of his victims to
suicide

During World War One, the Post Office
did its best to put several anarchist news-
papers out of business by refusing to dc-
liver them—sometimes on the pretext of
their having advertised or advocated
h contre

By John Dentinger

In 1917, under the newly enacted Es-
pionage Act, the Postmaster Gene
ordered his men to turn in all publica-
tions “containing mauer which is calcu-
lated to cause insubordination,
disloyalty. mutiny or refusal of duty in
the military or naval service, or to ob-
struct the... draft.” Within one month,
15 publications—most of them social-
ist—had been excluded from the mail
nd. ultimately, 75 newspapers were
barred for one reason or another. Among
the dangerous mailings intervepted was
an announcement of the formation of the
il Liberties Bureau, a forerunner of
the American Civil Liberties Union.

The Post Office obstructed distribu-
tion of US-based German-language
newspapers if they refused to adopt a

U.S.MAIL
E a

pro-Government policy toward the war.
Even a resolution against sabotage was
banned from the mail—because it used
the word sabotage.

In 1928, the Post Office brought crimi
action against a Brooklyn mother
who mailed out sex-educacion pamphlets
reprinted from a medical journal.

In 1929, two men seeking to bar "psy-
choanalytical” books from schools were
indicted for “obscene” mailings for send-
ing excerpts through the mail

Also in the ‘Tiventies, the Post Office
forbade the Anti-Imperialist League
from using envelope labels that read

RULE IN NICA
forbade mail

PROTEST AGAINST MARINE
Ragua. In the Thirties,

suckers attacking Franklin D. Roosevelt
and ones stating | DONT READ HEARST —
YELLOW JOURNALISM, the
latter on the grounds that the 70-year-old
William Randolph Hearst, might be
offended.

In the Forties, publishers were re
quired to send their books or magazines
to the Solicitors General of the Post
Office Department, who then deter-
mined whether or not the publications
were suitable for mailing. The magazine
Rewolt was barred from the mail for quot-
g one sentence from The Communist
Manifesto of 1848,

In 1943, the Post Office stripped £s-
quire of its second-class-mailing permit,
alleging that it contained obscene mater
al—and then claiming that the magazine
was “not of a public character contribut-
ing to the arts, literature and the sci-
ences.”

Inthe late Forues, a man was convicted
for sending his wife a hrst-class letter of
an indiscreetly passionate nature.

In 1951, the Post Office refused to de-
liver a rare edition of Aristophanes’ com-
edy Lysistrata to a California bookseller
It claimed that the text was “plamly ob-
scene, lewd and lascivious” and that it
was “well calculated 10 deprave the
morals of persons reading same.” The
“lascivious character" of this story (which
Ils how the women of two Greek city-
states plot to cease sexual relations with
their husbands until they make peace
with each other) had somehow been over-
looked for some 3000 years.

Also in 1951. the Post Olfice stopped
delivery of the Soviet newspapers Pravda
and fzwestía, claiming that only diplomats
and registered agents of foreign powers
could receive “political propaganda.”

In 1954, under pressure from Catholic
groups, the Post Office decreed that
Catholic Imperialism and World Freedom,
an anti-Catholic book.
able.”

In 1957, it publicly burned 100 sacks of
“wash and nudism" in Chicago and
seized cases of “pornography” en route
10 sex researchers at the Kinsey Institute

In 1959, the Post Office attempted to
ban D. H. Lawrence's novel Lady Chatter-
leys Lover from the mail and, as late as
1961, tried to ban Henry Miller's Tropic of
Cancer

LEAGUE AG

INST

ed the following decree:

If non-first-class mail that looked “like
Communist propaganda” came from
abroad addressed to à US. resident, the
addressee could. receive the item at the
cost of having his name go on a list of
persons wishing to receive Communist
mail. A copy of the list was reportedly
obtained by the House Un-American Ac-
uvities Committee.

From 1953 to 1973. the CIA conducted
n extensive (and illegal) program of
opening, copying and assumedly reading
first-class mail coming in and going out
of the country: (A similar secret FBI pi
gram began in 1940 and ended in 1966.
1t copied more than 215,000 letters and
distributed them to other Federal agen-
cies. The CIA also photographed the
covers of 2,700,000 pieces of n going.
to or arriving from the U.S.S.R. It took
down the names of every person men-
tioned in the correspondence—about
1,500,000—and stored them in its com-
puter data bank in McLean, Virginia.
Among those whose mail was read and
photocopied were Richard M. Nixon, Ed-
ward Kennedy, Hubert Humphrey.

Frank Church, Martin Luther King, Jr.,
John D. Rockeleller IV, Federal Reserve
Chairman Arthur Burns, A.EL.-C.1.O.
head George Meany, Representative Bel-
la Abzug, John Steinbeck, Jane Fonda, an
American exchange student in Moscow
writing home to his father and a 1
old short-wave-radio listener who wrote
to Radio Moscow.

In 1965, a Senate subcommittee inves-
ting the snooping being conducted
by Federal agencies asked then—Post-
master General John A. Gronouski for
the names of the people—24,000 of
them, by official estimate—whose mail
had been intercepted
Post Ollice agents during the preceding
two years, Gronouski refused to reveal
the names, saying that disclosing them
would violate the civil liberties of many
innocent persons (whereas spying on
them presumahly had not). According to
the Chief Postal Inspector, “mail watch-
es” were authorized only when there was
good reason to believe that they could be
pental in solving a crime. Yet in-
ation submitted to the subcommit-
tee showed that such watches could even

be placed on suspects’ doctors, priests,
ministers and attorneys. And in Kansas
City, a mail watch was placed on a ten-
year-old boy

At the same time, postal officials ad.
mitted to diverting personal first-class
mailto the IRS, saying that it belonged to
tax evaders and that, therefore, no real
arm had been done.

In the Eighties, the Postal Service de-
livers tax delinquents’ mortgage pay-
ments and other checks to the IRS, which
then stamps INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
over the name of the payee—and cashes
the checks. In the case of one ex-post-
office employce who owed the Govern-
ment $285, the IRS cashed and kept a
$1300 mortgage-payment check. Attor-
ney-client correspondence of people who
are involved in IRS investigations has
been delivered to and opened by the IRS.
Both the Postal Service and the IRS
claim that the delivery and openings
were accidental.

Your friendly Postal Service. It builds
dossiers, censors, spies, hijacks checks
and masterminds entrapment schemes.
Who would have guessed that postage
stamps could buy so much?

THE POSTMAN RINGS TWICE

1 would like to bring to your auention
my concerns regarding the special report
on "The Child-Pornography Myth," by
Lawrence A. Stanle!
by Fr (The
Playboy Forum, September). The authors
of the articles misled you aders. I
would like to set the record straight

Project Looking Glass is aimed at indi-
viduals who knowingly purchase and re
ceive child. pornography through the
mail. The Department of Justice and the
judicial system have upheld the sting con-
cept—in particular, Project Looking
‚lass—as being legally sound for identi.
fymg and apprehending individuals who
violate The Child Protection Act of 1984.

‘The subjects of the investigations were
individuals who had demonstrated
terest in child pornography on at t
two previous occasions. Only those indi-
viduals were sent solicitation/disclaimer
is who expressed a fur-
nterest in child pornography were
atalogs fully describing the materi-
ailable. Orders were filled with child
pornography seized in other investig:
tions and reproduced specifically for this
operation, and the material was recov-
ered in subsequ ver has
the US. Postal Service produced child
pornography.

The success of the operation can be

THE DEBATE CONTINUES

sured by the results. Controlled de-
liveries were made, search warrants were
executed and 139 individuals were
charged, We have had successful prose-
cutions in 93 cases, with 46 cases pend-
ing. Those cases were heard in numerous
judicial districts across the country. Al-

ile ZEHN

me;

TRADINGCO. LTD.
WARNING

All ol the material described In the following
pages ls sold by Far Eastern Trading Co. Ltd., for
educational purposes only. There are no visual
‘depictions of any person under the age of eighteen
(16) and any sale cf this material will only be to.
Those who have filed a written disclaimer with the
company Indicating that they are not employed or
acting as an agent of any municipal, county, state
or federal agency.

All material sold through this catalogue is
protected by Worldwide copy rights and cannot bo
reproduced without authorization.

A Federal lie: disclaimer on the Govern-
ment entrapment brochure.

though the authors rely on the American
Civil Liberties Union's opinion that child-
pornography stings are entrapment, our
experience has been the opposite. Ku:
nik’s statement that “there was no crime
until the Government seduced people in-
to committing one” is untru

Project Looking Glass searches uncov-

ered 35 cases of sexual molestation of
children, Some examples are:
In a Pennsylvania case, postal inspec

tors found diaries and notebooks det.
ing actual child-molestation activities.
The suspect admitted to sexually abu:
ing children and was arrested by state
police.

In a New York
spectors found a suspects di
cluded the names and ages of his victi
and sexual acts performed with males as
young as 12 ycars old. The diary was dat-
ed from 1976 to 1984 and contained ap-
proximately 100 entries.

In a Michigan casc, postal inspectors
found numerous sexually explicit photo-
graphs of a suspects nieces. The photos
had been taken from the time the girls
rc five years old.

n a Connecticut case, postal inspec-
id sexually explicit photos of a
i- year-old nephew.

claimed that the Postal
Service is trying to "solve the problem of

nvestigatio

sexual child abuse.” We do believe we
have contributed to solving it. Our re-
sponsibility, as mandated by The Child
Protection Act of 1984, is to keep child
pornography out of the mails. The Postal
Service will not allow the mails to be used
to distribute child pornography and thus
perpetuate the victimization of children.
We believe that if only one child is molest-
ed, that is one too many.

Stanley says, "Anyone looking for the
child-porn underground will find only a
vast network of postal inspectors and po-
lice agents.” Thank you for making this
statement. If it is true, E sincerely hope it
will deter anyone from using the mails to
obtain child pornography.
les R. Clauson
Chief Postal Inspector
Washington, D.

Lawrence A. Stanley replies:

Chief Postal inspector Clauson claims
that his Project Looking Glass was aimed
only at those who purchase and receive
child pornography through the mails; yet a
great many of the sting-operation vichms—
a good number of whose homes were ran-
sacked by teams of law-enforcement
officers—possessed no child pornography
whatsoever. And in most of those cases, there
was no direct evidence suggesting that those
targets were seeking out child pornography
al the time they were solicited by the US.
Government. Indeed, both the Postal In-
sheclion Service and U.S. Customs carefully
concocted their solicitation letters so as to be
intentionally misleading regarding the le-
gality of the material they were selling

Many of the defendants who were solicit-
ed by Ihe Postal Inspection Services Far
Eastern Trading Company initially re-
ceived a brochure contaming the following
legend: THERE ARE NO VISUAL DEPICTIONS OF ANY
PERSON UNDER THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN (181. One
person who was convicted stated that he
thought he was “going to get adult women
with pigtails or that the pictures would be
altered to make it look like there were chil-
dren in them,” Another convicted man said
that he was “curious to see how they were
going to show this stuff and still be legal.”

Clauson claims that each victim of his
Ming was identified on two previous oc-
casıons as having an interest in child
pornography, But once again, he has mis-
represented his operation. For example, in a
case in Oregon, the alleged connection to
child pornography was the fact that the
suspects name was on one of 2000 in-
dex cards seized in a raid on pornography
dealer Catherine Wilson's residence in
1976. But Wilson was at that time—by the
Postal Services own admission—selling
primarily heterosexual material (see “The
Playboy Forum,” January). There was no
evidence that the suspect had purchased
child pornography.

In another postal sting, a defendant was
targeted because his name was on the mail-

ing list of Award Films, a distribution com-
pany that never sold child pornography.
What it did sell were award-winning for-
eign films about, among other things, grow-
ing up (“Fanny and Alexander,” “Small
Change" “Pixote") and being gay (“You
Are Nol Alone").

The implication made by law-enforce-
ment officrals—that purchasers of Gav-
ernment-issued porn pose a danger to
children—also jails to carry weight. Studies
of men convicted of sex crimes against chil-
dren reveal very liltle exposure to pornogra-
phy at all, let alone child pornography. Ron
Langevin, senior research psychologist and
associate professor of psychiatry at the
Clarke Institute, Uniwersity of Toronto, is
one of the foremost experts on sex offenses,
particularly pedophilia and incest, and has
been conducting research on sex offenders
for nearly 20 years. Langevin has noted the
low rate of assoctation between consump-
tion of pornography of any type and the
commission of sex offenses. He writes, “It
seems that men who commit sexual offenses
against children do not accumulate child
pornography, though some individuals
may. To predict a predisposition to pedo-
philia or to the commission of child abuse
based on the possession of pornography
would be a futile effort.”

Clauson cites 35 alleged instances of
child molestation that were discovered as the
result of searches made during Project
Looking Glass. The information he gives
aboul rach of them is vague, possibly
misleading and intended to manipulate the
reader. How many of those 35 cases have
been adjudicated? What evidence did
the Government have that would prove that
the writings in the diary setzed in the second
instance were not mere fantasy? What does
Clauson mean by sexually explicit? Does he
mean what Postal Inspector Robert North-
rop meant when he tried to bust Alice Sims?
(See following item, “In the Eye of the Be-
holder") Clauson's instances are best under-
stood as the rhetorical devices that they are.

Contrary to Clausons impression, the
question raised by my article is not whether
or not the Postal Inspection Service should
be called upon to solve a social problem as
serious as the abuse of children. Rather, the
question raised in my arücle is, What does
the Gowrnment think it is doing selling
child pornography to individuals who oth-
erwise could not obtain it? Why are the
United States Department of Justice, the
Postal inspection. Service, US. Customs
and the FBI leading the American public lo
believe thal child pornography is a serious
problem, when the Government is the only
commercial producer?

Clauson may argue that the Postal Serv-
ice has never "produced" child pornogra-
phy, but the fact is that it advertises and
offers child pornography for sale, and it sells
and delivers it. Both crimes carry with them
benalties of as much as ten years and a
$100,000 fine for a first conviction.

United States Postal Inspectors don't
just censor sexually explicit mail, they
create it. Postal Inspector Calvin Com-
fort—using the name Jolene Ed-
wards—wrote at least a dozen letters to
the Reverend Russell Zangger, an lowa
minister who is involved in an antici
cumcision movement. "Jolene" pro-
fessed interest in Zangger's work and
asked for information. The minister
sent Comfort anticircumcision material
in the form of letters and video tapes:

June 20, 1986
Dearest Reverend Zangger,

Thank you very much for the wonder-
ful tape. The children and 1 watched it
first—and then I was so inspired, 1
showed it to eight of iny friends. You
should have heard the hushed silence
and looks of thoughtful contemplation
as we watched the poor little boys be
circumcised.

I agree with your thoughts in your
letter; Our society is so mixed up—it
condemns masturbation, which is a
healthy means of sexual expression,
and instead urges the brutal dis-
figurement of boys’ penises. .. .

Can lask you, Hasa woman ever told
you what it feels like to have an uncir-
cumcised cock firmly nestled in her
vagina? How does it feel stroking gently
in and out compared to a circumcised
penis? I guess I have so much to learn!

Please write me another personal let-
ter. You are so intelligent and sure of
yourself. And please, if | may be so
bold, could you send me the tape show-
ing yourself in the beautiful and natu-
ral act of masturbating?

Thank you and God bless you.

Jolene

PS. Again, thanks for the tape—it

was superb!

In response, Zangger sent Comfort a
tape with more anticircumcision in-
struction. It included a seven-minute
segment of him demonstrating mastur-
bation. Comfort responded:

July 9, 1986
Dear Reverend Zangger,

1 was so excited watching you mas-
turbate that 1 must have watched that
part nine or ten times, Fortunately, you
had sent me the article about women's
masturbating, so I knew what to do. I
would have gone crazy otherwise, I
turned the lights down low and was

wearing only a thin silk night robe. As I
watched thc third time, I fclt my hand
reach down and gently caress my
aching vagina. I was softly moaning in
pleasure and had a tremendous or-
gasm. My whole body was coated with
sweat as I came over and over again.
Maybe you can help me with a deci
sion. I showed the tape to Andy—hes
13 and I felt he was ready. His candor
shocked me at the end of it, “Mom,
would you show me how to mastur-
bate?" I was so surprised and shocked
that I said it was a very important ques-
tion and that I wanted to ask someone
who would be very knowledgeable.
What do you think? Would it be OK to
touch Andy? Have you ever done that
to any children? How should I tell Andy
if you think it's not a good idea? It's so
amazing how fast children grow up.
these days. I would really appreciate an
answer, as I have seen that you have a lot
of wisdom on interpersonal relations.
ue confession," I love
to getting married to my
ex, I guess I led a wild teenage life. My
ex only liked to have penetration and

KIDDIE PORN

Postal Inspector Robert Northrop of
Washington, D.C., is one of those tire-
less Government workers who keep the
mails free from kiddie porn, come rain,
snow, sleet or lack of credible evidence.
‘And, if you are unlucky enough to live
in his jurisdiction, you don't even have
to use the mails to have him meddle in
your affairs.

Artist Alice Sims of Alexandria, Vir-
ginia, took a roll of pictures of a
friend's four-year-old daughter and of
her own one-year-old daughter
frolicking in the She
planned to use the shots in a series
of drawings that would juxtapose
naked children with images of wa-
ter lilies. She dropped the film off
at a local drugstore to be devel
oped. A developer, sceing photos
of naked children, suspected kid-
ed Northrop.
police moved in
with a search warrant. Workers
from the Division of Social Services
took her two children into protective
custody. The Washington Post and The
Washington Times paraded the family
before their readers; the latter iden
tified Sims as a kid-porn suspect.

Friends of Sims and her husband's

POSTAL DOLLARS:

nothing more, just enough to satisfy
himself. Before that, I met some boys
who loved giving and getting sucked.
Daryl and I met when I was 16. He
would bury his soft curly brown hair
and lick my vaginal area, sometimes his
tongue caressing gently, other times
thrusting deeply like a wild animal. He
gave me my first orgasm. lt was won-
derful. I begged to have him enter me
with his now-throbbing penis, but he
brought it to my lips. I soon found my-
self enjoying licking his member and.
he moaned loudly. Daryl and I were
close until he went off to college.

I was introduced to sex at H and am
not ashamed to admit that 1 have been
active ever since, until the onset of my
divorce. Other than for you, | have not
encountered a man that ] thought I
could trust to take a girl's feelings into
account.

I would like to ask a special favor. I
really enjoyed the video with the young
boys’ penises—they have been so help-
ful in teaching Andy and Kim. Could
you send me one or two pictures of a
young boy's penis—maybe a picture or

sent more than 100 letters to the Divi-
sion of Social Services attesting to their
good character. One gallery director
looked at the photos and found them
"harmless. pictures parent would
take. Nothing titillating at all."

Sims's drawing, 1988 (left). Waler-baby
drawing published in Punch, 1887 (above).

THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

a video tape? Kim now has so many
questions and 1 want to show her how a
boy grows up. Who knows, maybe she
will find an uncircumcised man...
Yours,
Jolene

Zangger responded to this letter by
telling Jolene to demonstrate masturba-
tion to ber son by standing behind him
and holding "
the video tape." He advised her that she
might get sexually aroused.

The Postal Service indicted Zangger
for mailing child pornography and a
video tape of himself masturbating.
Zangger was found innocent of the first
charge but was convicted of the second.
The conviction was vacated on appeal.

The question we are raising is not
whether or not Zangger was beyond re-
proach in his actions or words but
rather, What was Calvin Comfort,
Postal Inspector, doing spending time
and tax dollars portraying himself as a
woman and writing sexual fantasies to
a man whose only offense to date was
being an anticircumcision advocate?

Northrop couldn't be fooled, though
In some of the pictures, one of the girls’
hands were in contact with her genitals.
“The child's hand was on her genitals;
she was masturbating,” declared the
vigilant postal inspector to Skip Kal-
tenheuser, a free-lance writer covering
the story for Legal Times. “The Federal
Code definitions of child pornography
include ‘lascivious display of the geni-
tals’ and ‘masturbation, and the law
was violated. . .. Those pictures are
pornographic. . . . Intent is something
defined not by state of mind but by
overt acts."

Fortunately saner voices did not
agree with Northrop. and a judge re-
turned custody of Simss children. The
commonwealth decided not to prose-
cute her, for lack of criminal intent.
"The state should have made her say
she was guilty of child pornography."
Northrop told Legal Times, “but did not
1, and put her on probation."

Sims son had nighunares. He want-
ed to hide his mother's artwork, to tell
the Government she wont paint any-
more. He showered under

This is child protection, Postal Serv-
ice style. Now, about those Bein of
your kid on the bearskin rug. .

NEWS FR ON T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

COPS WILL BE COPS

HARTFORD. CONNECTICUT — Six stale ve-
hicles were damaged when a crowd of off-
duty cops scrambled on top of them to geta
better view of a wet-T-shirt contest at their.

annual police picnic. The Connecticut
State Police Union has agreed to reim-
burse the state for the repairs.

CALLING ALL ANGELS

SALEM. VIRGINIA—A self-ordained Pen-
tecostal minister and self-proclaimed
prophet said that during a vision, three
angels warned him that U.S. authorities
were going to file sex charges against him.
Unfortunately, he revealed the vision only
after he had been brought to trial in the
state court for sodomizing two teenagers
and after he had been indicted by the Fed-
eral court for using boys as prostitutes
during revival tours. He was unable to
prophesy the outcome of the trials.

RIGHT TURN

DALLAS—The Christian Life Commis-
ston, an agency of the Southern Baptist
Convention, the nation’s largest Protes-
tant denomination, recently made some
decisions that indicate a sharp right turn
for the already conservative organization.
It decided to stop distributing copies of the
Surgeon Generals report on AIDS, be-
cause il is not a guide to Christian moral-
ity; it has unthdrawn support for a

pamphlet opposing the death penalty, be-
cause capital punishment is "societys way
of upholding the sanctity of human life”;
and it elected a new director who believes
that it is “contrary to Gods will to date
non-Christians” and that “God hates
homosexuality,”

SHOWERS TAKES A BATH

WASHINGTON. DC.—When H. Robert
Showers, Jr. head of the Attorney Gener-
als National Obscenity Enforcement
Unit, was asked to serve also as deputy to
the Criminal Division chief, prosecutors
complained that he was not qualified for
the position, one that includes supervising
the departments fraud section. Because
of the complaints, Showers’ position was
redefined to exclude fraud from his juris-
diction.

The prosecutors apparently knew what
they were complaining about, for recently,
Showers was placed on leave while await-
ing the oulcome of an investigation by
the Office of Professional Responsibility,
which is reviewing. allegations that he
asked a lawyer to destroy a document per-
tinent to an obscenity case.

PARTING GESTURES

WASHINGTON, DC—Ronald Reagan
signed legislation ordering the Federal
Communications Commission to crack
down on radio and television indecency—
not just in daytime or prime time but at
all times. The 24-hour prohibition was
stipulated in an amendment to an FCC
appropriations bill and sailed through
both Houses of Congress with virtually no
discussion. North Carolina Republican
Senator Jesse Helms was the author of the
amendment.

Reagan also acknowledged support for
a legislative amendment to tax organiza-
tions that earn a significant portion of
revenues from performing abortions. The
amendment will be tacked on to a bill re-
working the 1986 Tax Reform Act.

BUYERS BEWARE

HOUSTON— If you're planning to shop in
Mexico, better pause before buying any ar-
tifacts that remotely resemble drug para-
phernalia. Note the story of two women
shoppers who returned with a couple of
50-cent pipes—only to have Customs
agents seize thetr automobile under the

zero-tolerance program. After a public
outcry, the car was returned.

AIDS AND RAPE

BRIDGEPORT, CONNECTICUT—A woman's
request that an AIDS test be given lo the
man accused of kidnaping and repeatedly
raping her has been turned down by a
state superiorcourl judge. The alleged
rapists attorney contended that testing his
client for AIDS would violate the de-
fendants constitutional rights, because
state law permits testing only for venereal
diseases, and AIDS is a viral illness.

BOWIE, MARYLAND—Tivo men accused
of raping four women in Prince Georges
County wore condoms during the rapes—
apparently in order to protect themselves
from acquiring AIDS.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

LONDON. ENGLAND—British nutrition
expert David Conning made the mistake
of telling a group of scientists that daily
consumption of a common fungal infesta-
Hon named ergot, which is sometimes
found in the wheat used in high-bran ce-
reals, can theoretically cause LSD highs.
Tabloid newspapers subsequently report-

ed: “BREKKIE BRAN CAN BLOW YOUR MIND!”
and “ALERT ON HIPPIES DRUG IN BREAKFAST
Flakes.” Conning denied that breakfast
food contains enough LSD for an acid
high and issued a British understatement
regarding the press reports: "Well, I think
most of them have gone over Ihe top."

Hi 's flying in on the red-eye
just for my party.

i Good taste is always an asset.

Je8 Schell & Somerset Co. New York, NY. Blended Scotch Whisky 43

- And he drinks Johnnie Walker

AM AlcNol B6 8*1.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

16 mg "tar; 10 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Feb.'85

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BOB WOODWARD

a candid conversation about watergate, the supreme court, john belushi
and politicians’ private lives with the celebrated investigative reporter

When Bob Woodward telephoned a source
some time ago, the secretary who took the call
thought it was Robert Redford on the line.
Even the source—who knew better—hesitat-
ed when Woodward came onto the line, con-
fusing the reporter with the actor who had
once played him.

Woodward occupies a unique niche in
American popular culture—hes perhaps the
only print reporter who is more famous than
most of the people he interviews. Much of his
celebrity derives from Redfords portrayal of
him in “All the Presidents Men,” the 1976
film version of the Watergate saga based on
the book by Woodward and his Washington
Post side-kick, Carl Bernstein.

Its about to get even more confusing. For,
in a relatively short time, Woodward will be
portrayed by as many as four more actors. He
is slated to be a character in movies or TV se-
ries based on three of his other best-selling
hooks — "The Final Days" (1976). the story of
Richard Nixons decline and fall; “Wired”
(1984), about the death of actor John Belushi:
and “Veil” (1987), about William Caseys
tenure as Director of Central Intelligence —
and, perhaps, in an autobiographical scripl
now being completed by Elsa Walsh, Wood-
wards companion of the past six years and
herself a Post reporter

Indeed, at the age of 45, Woodward is a
full-blown journalistic legend. Ben Bradlee,

his boss at the Post, calls him “the best re-
porter Fue ever seen. Period.” David Halber-
stam, who made his name with aggressive
pursuit of the truth in Vietnam, hails his
“single-minded ferocity.” Seymour Hersh,
perhaps the only other reporter of this era
with a comparable investigative record—and
a man nol given to gushing about oth
achievements—says of Woodward, “Hes aw-
fully good; his work has really held up over
the years.”

But, not surprisingly, Woodward’ celebrity
has brought him disparagement as well. Crit-
ics question his confidential relationship with
his sources, suggest that he may even have
fabricated some critical scenes in his books
and argue that he has not found the proper
balance of his voles as the Posts assistant
managing editor in charge of its investiga-
tive unit, as the neuspapers star wporter and
as a writer of best-selling books.

So pervasive is Woodward's influence and
so familiar is his by-line on the front pages
and the best-seller lists that it is hard to be-
lieve that he emerged onto the national scene
only in 1973. His upbringing gave little hint
of the role he was to play.

Born on March 25, 1943, in Geneva, Ili-
nois, he grew up in nearby Wheaton, a sub-
urh of Chicago. When he was 12. his parents
divorced, with his father retaining custody of
Bob, a brother and a sister Later, his father

remarried a woman who had three children of
her own, and together they had another. The
eldest of the seven, Woodward tried hard io
live up to the expectations of his father, then
Wheatons leading lawyer (and later a
Judge). In sports, he did not impress, bul aca-
demically, he did well enough lo snag a naval
R.O.TC. scholarship to Yale, where he ma-
Jored in history.

Graduating in 1965, he fulfilled his Navy
obligation with four years as a communica-
tions officer at sea, then was "extended" to a
fifth year in the office of the Chief of Naval
Operations. Woodward hated the Navy and
the Vietnam war. so when he got out, he grav-
dated toward the institution most critical of
US. involvement in Vietnam: the press

After a year with the Montgomery County
Sentinel, where he made a local splash cover
ing Maryland’ political hanky-panky, he
joined the Post in September 197) and was
assigned to the night police beat, Another sto-
ry soon mier

On June
ied alone by nical mol editor Dots ry
Sussman, who told him that five men carry-
mg photographic and electronic gear had
Been arrested earlier that morning during a
burglary at the Democratic Party headquar-
ters. The city desk needed some extra hands
on the story. Could he come in?

Woodward jumped out of bed and walked

"You know from human nature that if a
Congressman is living a lie in his private life,
what kind of lie is he living as à committee
chairman? Ud say, "Lets look at this guy and
see if there's a pattern.”

"Judy Belushi wanted a different ending to
the story. 1 guess she hoped I would find out
that John had been tied up and forced to take
drugs, or that he was alive in Des Moines.
She couldn't cope with the real ending."

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BENNO FRIEOMAN

“The real question is how our reporting has
stood up. I am totally comfortable with the
record. After the attacks on The Final Days,
Kissingers memoirs come out and describe
Ihe prayer scene almost exactly as we did."

PLAYBOY

the six blocks to the Post, where he found un-
other reporter, a rumpled, shaggy-haired fel-
low named Carl Bernstein, at work on the
same story.

In the days following the break-in, as they
worked side by side, the two young men—
Woodward was 29; Bernstein, 28—eyed
each other suspiciously. But soon they discov-
ered that they worked well together—Wood-
ward supplying the establishment credentials,
a well-honed intelligence and dogged dili-
gence; Bernstein providing the writing skill,
cunning and an almost feral intensity. Wood-
ward had been divorced from his first wife
and high school sweetheart, Kathleen Mid-
dlekauff and Bernstein was separated, so
neither had a family life to prevent him from
working 12 to 18 hours a day. Work they did,
breaking story after story as the Watergate
saga unfolded. For their efforts, the Post won
a Pulitzer Prize.

Soon Watergate was a collage industry,
wilh Woodward and Bernstein üs chief en-
trepreneurs. Their book on how they got the
story, “AU the Presidents Men,” was pub-
lished in 1974. It sold more than 300,000
copies and rose to number one on the best-sell-
er lists. (It appeared. first as excerpts in
Playboy m May and June 1974.) Two years
later, it was released as a film, starring
Redford as Woodward, Dustin Hoffman as
Bernstein and Jason Robards as Bradlee.
That same year, Woodward and Bernstein
published their second book about Water-
gate— "The Final Days" —uhich, like its
predecesor. soared to the top of the best-seller
lists and sold nearly 600,000 copies.

But behind the scenes of this long-running
show, the two stars squabbled. Woodward took
increasing umbrage at Bernsteins work
habits; Bernstein met and married New York
Journalist Nora Ephron, lefi the Post and set
out lo become a true “writer.” So, when the
opportunity to report fiom inside the
Supreme Court presented itself. Woodward
turned to his boyhood friend Scott Arm-
strong, then a reporter at the Post. The result,
in 1979, was “The Brethren,” again a num-
berone lest seller, with some 600,000 copies
sold.

Meanwhile, Woodward was beginning to
see himself as the logical successor to execu-
tive editor Bradlee, He became metropolitan
editor, but it was soon apparent that that was
not his strength. In 1981, one of his staffers, a
young woman named Janet Cooke, won a
Pulitzer Prize for her story about an eight-
year-old heroin addict, only to have the prize
revoked when it was discovered that she had
fabricated the story. Although Woodward and
his colleagues pried the truth out of Cooke
and promptly published everyhing they
knew, the episode was a setback for the young
editor, dashing his hopes to succeed Bradlee.
The next year, he was shunted aside, appoint-
ed an assistant managing editor and given
free rein to pursue his own book projects while
developing investigative stories for the paper.

His next booh—aud the first without a for
mal collaborator—was “Wired,” which told

the story of John Belushis losing batıle with
drugs. (It, too, was excerpted in Playboy, in
July 1984.) Once more, Woodward hat the top
of the best-seller lists, with more than
300,000 copies sold, but the book stirred a
furor among Belushis family, friends and
admirers, who charged that he had distorted
the late actors life.

Then, in September 1987, Woodward pro-
duced “Veil: The Secret Wars of the CIA
1981-1987” Hs publication provoked fresh
controversy, particularly over its final scene,
in which he claimed to have interviewed CIA
Director Casey in the hospital shortly before
he died. Caseys widow vehemently denied
that Woodward had been in her husband's
hospital room. Others charged Woodward
with withholding important material from
his newspaper in order to hype his book.

As usual, the book hit the top of the
York Times best-seller list, selling an impres-
sive 500,000 hardcaver copies. But Wood-
wards publishers had expected even higher
sales, and his critics were harsher than ever.

AL this interesting juncture, Playboy asked

“I don't get any kick
out of protecting sources,
but... its a kind of
sacred trust.”

J. Anthony Lukas, twice a winner of the
Pulitzer Prize for journalism and nonfiction,
to talk with Woodward. Lukas’ report:
“When I told mutual friends that I was
preparing for these conversations, they ex-
Dressed. astonishment that Woodward had
agreed lo talk, Reporters who have dealt with
him claim that he is temperamentally secre-
tive, loath to volunteer information about
himself: ‘Bobs one of this citys most private
people, said a colleague. “Not quite the J. D.
Salinger of the press corps, but getting there.
“Indeed, when 1 first called, he didn't seem
eager for the interview that had been suggest-
ed, though he graciously proposed a private
dinner. } persisted, Woodward eventually ac-
ceded and one morning, I presented myself at
his gray Victorian house in Georgetown.
“Vogue magazine once said that Wood-
ward had a face ‘as open as a Finnish sand-
wich, and he was the soul of genial
hospitality as he welcomed me into the spa-
cious house decorated with movie posters,
deep leather chairs, expensive stereo equip-
ment and potted greenery. At our heels
mipped Pym, a tiny Lhaso Apso that belongs
to Elsa Walsh. In the kitchen, the cook was as-
sembling a picnic lunch, for Woodward had
decided that our first encounter should take
place at his new weekend retreat on the
Maryland shore, just south of Annapolis.
“H took the best part of an hour in Wood-
wards Honda Accord to reach the house on a

wooded point off Chesapeake Bay. The sunny
Cape Cod-style home had breath-taking
views of the water and the pine-clad islands.
We sat on the bright sun porch in a brisk
breeze off the bay.

“By noon, it had grown chilly, so we moved
inside to eat lunch in two armchairs pulled
up to Ihe great stone fireplace. Perhaps it was
the bone-chilling cold, perhaps the length of
the marathon interview, but the afternoon.
session didn't go so well.

“As I dug into his relationship with
confidential sources, he grew a bit testy. For a
time, we danced around the delicate issues:
the persistent doubts in some peoples minds
thai Woodward super sources, notably Deep
Throat, exist as he describes them. Woodward
suspected that I was pursumg some agenda
of my own. It was gelting late, we weren't
making much progress, so we drove back to
the city.

“A month later, I returned to Washington
and checked into a hotel. Woodward couldn't
make it until eight that evening, because he'd
spent the entire day with the producers of
Wired,’ going over a draft of the script.
When he arrived, he looked exhausted.

“But over dinner in my room, it soon be-
came clear that the air between us had
cleared. We were two reporters trading jour-
nalistic yarns. Talking about how he builds
source relationships, Woodward warmed to
the tas]

“The next day, we finished up, with several
hours at his house in a cozy study with forest-
green walls, comfortable chairs and a well-
stocked bar. I do a lot of interviews myself in
this room, he said. ‘It puts people at their
case. They seem to talk here.”

“IL bet they do."

PLAYBOY: You a problem most journal-
ists dont suffer from—being mistal
Robert Redford. Is 1 true that ever since
he played you in All the Presidents Men,
people have tended 10 confuse the two of
you?
WOODWARD: Wel
women who w
the difference.

PLAYBOY: You're about to be portrayed in
several more movies. Have you scen them?
WOODWARI e seen an early print of the
film based on Wired. my book about the
death of John Belushi. Its terrific, well be-

|. I've gone out with lots of
immediately able to tell

nd my expectations: in fact, much better
doesnt pull any

than the book. The mo
punches about drugs, bi
Belushis s

Il the Presidents
à story around that the
1 book—set off a
ons to journalism schools.
s, I know that that idea is
around, but I think the Columbia Journal-
ism Review showe it so much
Watergate as Viet
chord in young An

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PLAYBOY

right to me. Viemam was a searing experi-
ence, a bloodletting. Nobody died in Wa:
tergate. The morality of Nixon and his
group distressed a lot of people. But it’s not
the kind of distress that changes a career.
Nobody has ever told me, “I went into jou
nalism because of you.”
PLAYBOY: Nonetheless, you and your Wate
gate partner, Carl Bernstein, changed the
image of reporters forever. Yet now, when
reporting on personal lives has become a
of political life, polls are showing a
marked hostility toward the press. Are you
concerned about this kind of backlash?
WOODWARD: No, I don't think those polls
reflect what people really feel. People
uncomfortable with reporters going
round, as The Miami Herald did in 1987,
staking out Gary Hart's house. No one likes
that. Even the reporters who did it are ui
comfortable. But, like the reporters, I
think the public is comfortable with the rc-
sult. They said, “Yeah, we needed to know
that, and now that we know it, we dont
think he's fit to be President.”
PLAYBOY: Why do you believe that evidence
of an affair isan indication of unfitness for
the Presidency
WOODWARD: It has to do with your word.
The m; gc vow is your word, even
though a lot of people break it
wasn't just breaking it, he was obsessed
with breaking it.
PLAYBOY: The old rule of thumb was that
you could report a public figure's private
life only when it affected the performance
of his public duties. Is that outmoded now?
WOODWARD: Being President is a twenty-
four-hour-a-day job. If you've got some-
body living a lie in one phase of his life
that inevitably affects how hes going to
perform his duty. Ivs a fundamental char-
acter issue.
As 10 the old rule of thumb, remember, |
started reporting in the middle of the
Vietnam war, when everything was up for
grabs. There we were, as reporters and as
zens, examining the basic i of
whether we were involved
immoral war; indeed, what
we were. I never felt const
tered the reporting business.
PLAYBOY: But shouldnt there be cor
straints? If a Presidential candidate is al-
ways fair game, what about the woman
who calls you at the paper and says, “I'm
sleeping with a Congressional committee
chairman and I'll go on the record.” Do
you report it?
WOODWARD: Well, it depends, If you called
him up on it and he said, “Yup, it's tru
I'm going through a lousy time and my
marriage is on the roc! Fd tend on both
a human and a reportorial level 10
"Well, here's a guy who knows himself.
pretty well and is villi
1 probably wouldn't do the stor
Let me give you an example from real
life. Just alter Jimmy Carter was elected,
his new Appointments Secretary was sup-
posed to be a fellow named Greg
Schneiders. Somebody came to me and

int when I er

aid that Schneiders had owned some ba
and defaulted on some loans and was
So E called him and he

a
1,
y true. My finances are in a

but I
I didn't

mess. I'm straightening them out
think it's going to take some time.

do a story on it. I gave it to another re-
who mentioned it in passing in a
profile of Schneiders. Eventually, he didn't

y subvert my attack-dog
nkly my threshold just

get the job. It ma
mage, but, quite fr
wastrt crossed.
PLAYBOY: Getting back to our hypothetical
Congressman, if he said to you, “That’s a
damn lie,” you'd go after him?
WOODWARD: Well, if you sec him on the
cover ol the local magazine with the per-
fect family, and so forth, then there's a ci
trast. And you know from human natur
that if he’s living that kind of lie in his pri-
vate life, what kind of lie is he living as
committee chairman? Then Ud say, “Lets
take a look at this guy and his committee
and see if there's a patter
1 feel pretty strongly that you've got to
look at these things. And the nice thing
about where I work is, you can spend
months looking at them and still end up
saving, “Gee, we don't have a story.
PLAYBOY: You scem to be saying that the be-
havior is less important than how the pei
son cycles that behavior through his own
psyche. Is that the standar
WOODWARD: It's about self-knowledge
Look, everyone has to confront failures or
mistakes, and part of character is how you
deal with failures and mistakes. I have a
twelve-year-old daughter, and many of our
confrontations are about owning up to be-
havior and accepting the consequences.
PLAYBOY: But aren't there acts that are
wrong in and of themselves, whatever the
attitude of the person who commits them?
‘Take the case of the SEC officer who was
accused of beating hi
WOODWARD: But that's a criminal act. We're
talking about the margins, arent we?
Screwed-up finances, extramarital se
smoking marijuana
PLAYBOY: Then the lesson to anyone in pub-
lic life is, IF you've committed a criminal
ict. you Probably ought to cover up, be-
use Woodward will go after you. But
the activity is at the margins——
WOODWARD: Confess! [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: Does amy of this apply to Water-
gate? Of course, (hat involved outright
criminal activities. But if Nixon had been
more frank about what the White House
had done, wouldn't he have finished out his
second term?
: We could sit here and craft
graph statement that Nixon
could have read in late June 1972 ıh
would probably have disposed of the whole
thing. But what kept everyone going was
the fierce and overstated denial from the
start, so people said, "Whats being con-
cealed here? Why is there such a rabid re-
ction to all of this?
PLAYBOY: We'll return to Wat
fore leaving the topic of ex-candidates, le

gate, but be-

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PLAYBOY

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PLAYBOY

dear up a side light about Gary Hart. It
turned out that he was your friend and
had even lived in your house on two occa
sions. How did that come about?
WOODWARD: In 1979, Hart called me up
and said he knew | had recently been di-
vorced and had a big house in George-
town. He ssed. confused
person—confused about his marriage.
about whether it was on or off The human
thing to do was to say yes, which I did
PLAYBOY: How well did you know Hart?
WOODWARD: Wed had a couple of long
conversations. That's all.

PLAYBOY: How long did he stay th
time?

WOODWARD: A couple of months. Then he
came back in 1981 or 1982, well before he
was a Presidential candidate.

PLAYBOY: Did you see much of him when
he was living with you?

WOODWARD: No. That second time, he
barely ever opened the refrigerator. 1
found out that he was staying at some
woman's place and using my house as a
kind of mail drop. and I uncomfort-
able with that. Then some Colorado re-
porter wanted to interview me about the
Senator and | told Hart I would have to
answer fully and honestly. We had a lunch
at Trader Vics that got pretty testy. He
said, "These are private matters. Why can't
you just tell him. 'No comment?" And I
id, "Because he's a colleague and because
dodging something like that never work:
Hart was upset, hut he moved o
PLAYBOY: A telling conversation in light of
what happened later.

WOODWARD: More than telling. | was very
distressed. 1 told Bradlee, “This man
thinks that he can erect a Chinese Wall be-
tween his personal life and his political ca-
reer, and you can't do that.” I urged him to
assign a reporter to carefully examine
Hart's career after the 1984 election. So all
I did was encourage aggressive coverage
PLAYBOY: If you got a call this afternoon
rom a general at the Pentagon who was
separated from his wife and he said, "Bob.
] hear you have a spare room.
WOODWARD: If you called up and needed
room, I might let you in if you were willing:
a notarized affidavit that you would.
never run for public office. That thing
with Hart, it was a mistake. I didn't see its
amifications. It substantiates my mother's
view that no good deed goes unpunished.
PLAYBOY: Are you bothered at all by the
pearance of hypocrisy in the reporting of
such subjects? When you investigated Wa-
tergate, you were examining activity you'd
presumably never engaged in. But when
reporters investigate marital infidelity or
the use of marijuana, that is something
many of them have done themselves.
WOODWARD: Well, you couldn't have a re-
porter who was committing adultery on
Thursday following some candidate
around on Friday night to see who he was
sleeping with. That would be absurd and
hypocritical. But a reporter who had com-

was a di

t first

mitted adultery years before and learned
lesson, maybe.

PLAYBOY: Gay Talese, in his book on The
New York Times, says that all good re-
porters are outsiders. Are you an outsider
WOODWARD: Yeah, I think so.

PLAYBOY: Really? Son of a leading lawyer i
a Midwestern town. Protestant. Middle
class. Educated at Yale. A naval ollicer. To
many people, you look like the quintessen-
insider.

WOODWARD:

That's where you've got it
wrong. There's no better place to start
reer as an outsider than on the bench at
Wheaton Community High School, which
was Red Grange's school, too. I was terri-
ble. I almost never got into a game. And up
in the stands was my father, who'd been
captain of the Oberlin football team,
PLAYBOY: Was he disappointed in you?
WOODWARD: He never upbraided me, but I
knew how disappointed he was. So I spent
a lot of time up in my room as a radio ham,
talking in Morse code around the world.
You remember the ham-radio club in high
school—all those guys with slide rules on
their belts? Thats an outsider, believe me.
PLAYBOY: Didn't it begin even earlier than
that? There's a story one of your friends
tells about you as a child at Christmas.
Your parents had divorced, and you didn’t
think that the presents you and your sib-
lings got were up to those your new step-
brothers and stepsisters got.

WOODWARD: Oh, yes. I looked up the
prices of all t sents in the gift catalog
It was a moment of great emotional dis-
tress for me and my father when I con-
fronted him and showed him that the
money he'd spent on them and on us was
so dramatically out of balance.

PLAYBOY: Bob Woodward's first piece of in-
vestigative reporting and. psychologically
speaking. a significant moment?
WOODWARD: Oh. absolutely It was kind of
sad, but the fact is that it's a very competi-
tive world when two families are brought
together that way. You end up feeling like
an outsider in your own family
PLAYBOY: What about Yale? Did you feel
like an outsider there?

WOODWARD: | remember taking the train
from New York to New Haven—and walk-
ing into the university and literally know-
ing no one. | was eighteen years old and
utterly rootless in this Eastern-establish-
ment world. g all over again.
PLAYBOY: It’s dox, isn't it, to seem like
such an insider and fecl like an outsider?
WOODWARD: A paradox, maybe, but I'm
not so sure it's a handicap. In fact, it may
bc a wonderful benefit to feel like an out-
sider inside establishment institutions.
PLAYBOY: You started writing at Yale, didn't
you—some poetry and a novel?
WOODWARD: A silly novel, about
man growing up in a small Michs
town very much like Wheaton. And all the
turmoil in the family. One chapter would
be in very overwrite ulkner
the next in sparse Hemingw;

ca-

style.

Garbage. I sent it off to some New York
publishers. But when they said no, I aban-
doned it.

PLAYBOY: You abandoned more than the
novel, didn’t you? We're told that you aban-
doned all your liter ambitions, the
whole idea of being a writer. even the no-
tion of yourself as an intellectual
WOODWARD: Yes. It was pu
The novel wasn't accepted
that I wasn't any good at it
PLAYBOY: But you'd had only one book
turned down something every published
novelist has experienced. It doesn't seem
to be enough of a reason to give up all liter-
ary aspirations. Did something else drive
you aw
WOODWARD: [Pause] Yes. 1 suppose what
later attracted me to journalism was that I
could deal with the external world and not
have to look inside so much. Because inside
me, inside that first novel was all the pain-
ful material of. Wheaton and childhood
and divorce and families in which all the
nocent are wounded, because children
are innocent, and it inflicts great pain. . . .
PLAYBOY: The novelist has to dredge up all
those buried emotions, while the journalist
can keep them ata distance?
WOODWARD: At a great distance. Frankly, 1
find other people more interesting than I
find myself. One has to make choices in
life. That was a choice I made. Maybe it has
erected a barrier in my life, but by and
large, it has worked for me.

PLAYROY- Rut it wasn't only a reject
the inner life—wasn't there also a strong
attraction to the life of a newspaperman?
WOODWARD: Oh. yes! I ight away
that was what I wanted to do, beca
excited just going into the newsroom. It
was immediate, not filtered or abstruse.
PLAYBOY: Your first real exposure to jour-
m was when you got out of the Navy,
1970, right?

WOODWARD: I went to see the Posts
metropolitan editor. Harry Rosenfeld, who
somewhat reluctantly gave me a two-week
tryout. I wrote fifieen stories, none of
which was published. He said, "See, you're
terrible. It's a profession you've got to learn
like any other. Get your training some-
where else. Then come back and we'll see:
PLAYBOY: Those words didnt discourage
you as the rejection of your novel had?
WOODWARD: No, and when I went to see
the editor of the Montgomery County Sen-

ely practical
lit was cl

n of

new

M
tinel, Y told him, "I want this job so bad I

taste it.” Later he told me, “That's why
red you.

Some of the stories I did there got
picked up by The Washington Post, and in
the summer of 1971, Harry Rosenfeld took
me back. They put me on night police,
from six-thirty rm. to two-thirty am Pd
work the night shift and then go in the
t day and write the story. I did nothing
all over the paper,

as a period I remember with great
fondness. Lile was simple and direct. This
may overstate it a little bit, but it’s the

cal

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closest thing to the Platonic academy that
exists in this country, where you're inter-
ested in ideas, inquiring, skeptical. There
were no sacred cows. Nothing was off
limits.
PLAYBOY: Nine months later, along came
Watergate. Where were you when you first
heard about the burglary?

as asleep in bed when the
nine o'clock on a Satu
day morning, and Barry Sussman, ity
editor, told me that five men had been ar-
rested carlier that morning in Democratic
headquarters. It didn't seem like much, but
1 liked to work weekends, so I went over to
cover the arraignment hearing.
PLAYBOY: What first aroused your suspicion
that there was something bigger lurking in
that little burglary?
WOODWARD: The presence of this lawyer,
Douglas Caddy, representing the burglars
Burglars normally don't have attorneys
ready to appear at the arraignment. | kept
asking Caddy how he'd become involved.
He was very vague, finally daiming he'd
gotten a call in the night asking him to
represent Bernard Barker, a man he'd met
at a cocktail party: It made you go, “Hey,
wait a minute.”

But the big “Hey, wait a minute” was
when they asked onc of the burglars, James
McCord, where he worked. He said he'd
recently retired from Government. The
judge asked, “Where in Government?”
and McCord finally said, "CIA." Thats
when 1 really did a “Holy shit.” A burglar
who worked for che CLA!

PLAYBOY: You did have one disappoimment
over Watergate, didn’t you? The Pulitzer
advisory board later decided to award a
prize for what you had done, but Bradlee
determined that it should go to the Post as
an institution rather than to you and Bei
stein individually.

WOODWARD: Yes, you gct only a couple of
shotsat a Pulitzer in your carcer. That was
our chance and it was snatched away 1
worked myself up into some concern about
it and went to see Bradlee. He said that
Carl and I would always be identified with
the story but that the Post needed the prize
at that moment. He had the longer per-
spective and | had the shorter onc.
PLAYBOY: Of the major unanswered ques-
tions about Watergate, which interest you
the most?

WOODWARD: I think the main unanswered
question is, Did Nixon know about the bu
glary in advance? I'm working on part of
that answer now. | think there are some
people who are still alive who may be able
to answer that.

PLAYBOY: What about the motive for the
Watergate burglary itself? As you know,
there has long been a theory that the
Nixon forces were principally interested in
finding out how much Larry O'Br
chairman of the Democratic National
Committee, knew about Nixons ties to
Howard Hughes, specifically the one hun-
dred thousand dollars that Hughes had
passed to Nixon through the President's

friend Bebe Rebozo. At a recent confer-
ence on the Nixon Presidency, Jeb Magrud-
er said that ¢ as, indeed, the motive.
What do you thin
WOODWARD: I think the Hughes-Rebozo
thing was part of it, but motivations are
complex. There's a tendency to feel that
because Watergate turned out to be such a
calamity, the burglars had to have been
looking for the Holy Grail. In fact, if you
look at their testimony, they say they were
on a general fishing expedition to find
some dirt on the Democrats. And, as with
any expedition, everyone had a different
motive.
PLAYBOY: Do you resent the implication by
some critics that your sources on Water-
gate—among them the fabled Deep
"Throat—may have been people in the in-
telligence community?
WOODWARD: I resent it because it's untrue.
As you know. I'm not going to discuss the
identity of Deep Throat or any other of my
confidential sources who are still alive. But
just say that this suggestion that we
ng used by the intelligence com-
munity was of concern to us at the time
and afterward. When somebody frst
wrote the article saying about me, “Wait a
minute; this is somebody in an intelligence
gency who doesn't like Nixon and is try-
ing to get him out,” I took that seriously.
The CIA is an agency with professional
covert manipulators who try toalter events
by deceiving people and directing them,
running them like an intelligence agent. I
have revisited this question of disinform:
tion—Td rather not go into how it was
done—but I've satisfied myself and others
that that was not the case.
PLAYBOY: With the story’s breaking all
around you, how did you lind time to write.
All the Presidents Men?
WOODWARD: We didn't. That August, Carl
said, "Weve got to get out of town.” My
mother had a house in Naples, Florida.
Bradlec gave us six wecks off and we flew
down. Carl wrote on a glass-topped table
by the pool and I wrote inside, controlling
the car keys and the telephone to kecp Carl
und. We wrote most of the book that
way and finished it locked in a couple of
New York hotel suites that December.
PLAYBOY: The book came out in sp
1974 and was quickly a best seller. When
did you realize to what extent it had cap-
tured the nation's imaginationz
WOODWARD: The excerpts first ran in
Playboy, and one evening,
iding down Connecticut Avenue
l-news station was reading from an ex-
cerpt with no break for about six minutes.
Carl and ] looked at each other and
shrugged. What uas thi:
PLAYBOY: Later on, especially after the
movie, a lot was made of the contrast be-
tween you and Bernstein. When he looked
at you, he saw, as he would later put it
“lawns, greensward, staterooms and grass
tennis courts." You were supposed to have
n him as "one of those counterculture

journalists” you despised. Was that a prob-
lem between you?

WOODWARD: No. I especially don't remem-
ber ever talking politics with him. We had
a job to do and that absorbed our energy.
PLAYBOY: But wasn't there some friction de-
veloping between the two of you?
WOODWARD: We had some disagrcements
about work habits. I tend to be more of a
workaholic and Carl tends to be on the
lesser side of workaholism. But thc differ-
ences weren't political.

PLAYBOY: If Bernstein was the countercul-
id, you had been an officer in the
wy. Did the Vietnam war affect your
politics?

WOODWARD: I was on board a Navy ship off
the coast of Vietnam, a radar picket ship
that ran communications for carri
bombers. And bouncing around out there,
1 asked myself, What am I doing here?
What are we trying to achieve? Who is the
enemy? Why is my life being wasted?

I was a great fan of Catch-22 and saw
the senselessness that pervaded every-
thing we were doing out there. 1 really
hated the war. I hated the idea of dying. I
hated the idea of killing. When 1 think
back to 1970 and ask why I became a re-
porter, it was probably because of Vietnam
more than anything else. It was a bad war,
a wrong war, and the people who were un-
covering that were journalists. So, ves, I
was affected.

PLAYBOY: But for a lot of young Americans
in that period, the passion against the war
carried over to a passion about everything
else that was wrong with America. That
didn't happen with you, did
WOODWARD: Did I become a radical? No.
Think of it. I left the Navy in 1970. Less
than two years later, I was working on
Watergate. In another two years, the Presi-
dent had resigned. You couldn't come off
that experience and say the system was
corrupt. It was a sense that you didnt need
radical solutions. The establishment solu-
tions work. And after what we did on Wa-
tergate, which would have seemed so
outlandish a few years before, Carl and I
both became the nice little boys. Carl got a
haircut, and so forth. So you could proba-
bly say that we were co-opted and taken
into the establishment,
PLAYBOY: But, of course, your politics had
been pretty establishment, hadn't they? At
your high school graduation, you gave a
speech cribbed from Barry Goldwaters
Conscience of a Conservative; and as a Yale
freshman, your political-science instructor
called you a cryptofascist.
‘WOODWARD: Yeah, but by the time I got out
of Yale, | was probably a cryptoliberal,
largely about the race issue.
PLAYBOY: As late as 1968, though, you were
a registered Republi nd voted for
Nixon
WOODWARD: Yeah, but that was largely an
iwar vote. I was in the then, voting
by absentee ballot. 1 hated the war LB]
nd, reading the press, it
us that if there were any chance

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PLAYBOY

of stopping the war, it would be the other
party—!
PLAYBOY: Nixon was, of course, the subject
of the next book you and Bernstein wrote,
The Final Days. Many people believe u
that was vour finest book. But it also
p a storm. Those people who
int like the way you had used Deep
Throat—perhaps suspected there never
was a Deep Throat—were even more criti
cal of your reliance on confidential sources
in The Final Days and of your adamant re-
fusal to name them.
WOODWARD: Oh. When that book
came out, there was an incredible barrage.
People jumped up and down. saying.
“How can you say that Nixon and
Kissinger were praying on the floor to-
gether? How did you know he was talking
to the pictures on the wall?”
PLAYBOY: And demanding that you tell
them who your sources were?
WOODWARD: The late John Osborne, then
the White House correspondent of. The
New Republic, invited me to lunch one day
and said he had to know whether Al Haig
was a source for the book. And I said, “I'm
not going to tell you." He was outraged
and he grilled me, implying that Haig had
said he wasn't a source. | remember think.
ing, What à temptation to answer.

Id like to tell you who all the sources are.
1 dont get any kick out of protecting
sources or keeping names out of books and
newspapers. But those are the terms of en-
gagement, particularly when you're in-
volved with the intelligence agencies or
the Nixon White House or the Supreme
Court. In those worlds, there's no way peo-
ple are going to talk on the record

So it's a kind of sacred trust that works
from a practical point of view as well, be-
cause the people who come to me at the
Post know that if they request confiden-
tality, it will be protected at all costs.
PLAYBOY: If you found that a source had
lied to you, would you feel released from
the confidential relationship?
WOODWARD: Yes. The terms of that r
tionship are trus; and candor. If I quote
the Secretary of State as saying something,
he's accountable for what he said. But if 1
say that a source said this, the underlying
fact has to be true. So if I could establish
that somebody had lied to me, Id write an
article saying that so-and-so had broken
the trust relationship, and this is how it
happened.
PLAYBOY: Has it ever happened?
WOODWARD: Not that I'm aware of.
important that a reader
1 "spin" —what tone or interpre
on—is being put on a story? And whose
spin that is?
WOODWARD: Well, first, my hackles get up.
when I hear that term spin. People often
have an ax to grind, but we put it through a
pretty rigorous process to determine that
somebody isnt distorting. You have to cor-
rect for that by having a second or a third.
source, trying to get documents, putting it
through all the tests and filters.

PLAYBOY: Ist it
know wl
[

Finally, the real question is how our re-

porting has stood the test of ume. I am
totally comfortable with the record. Afte
all the attacks on The Final Days. Kissi
gers memoirs come out and, lo and be-
hold, he describes the prayer scene almost
exactly as we did. He puts it in the Lincoln
bedroom instead of the Lincoln sitting
room—apparently our mistake. Then Nix-
on comes out with his memoir. One line:
ic. President and the Secretary of State
got down onto the floor and prayed. As
more memoirs are written, piece after
piece of the book proves to be.
PLAYBOY: OK. The Final Days comes out
and it, too, is a huge best seller. But then
you and Bernstein split up. Why?
WOODWARD: Our differences in work
habits took their toll. There were distrac-
tions in his life that kept him from the task.
at hand in a way that caused too much anx-
iety for me. And I just couldn't see unde
king another project with him.
We had talked about doing something
on the military, but that was pre-empted
when Carl fell under the spell of New York
and of [writer] Nora Ephron. He ultimate-
ly decided, with encouragement from New
York, to cease
leave the Post and to upgrade himself, to
re-create himself as a writers writer. It has
always fascinated me that there's this feel-
ing that people have—generally not for
themselves but for others—that now that
you've succeeded, let's find something you
can fail at or something that you will have
difficulty adapting to.

Carl is a great reporter. So the fact that
he hasn't practiced that much in the past
dozen years is everyone's loss, including his
own. And I have told him that. But you
have to credit him; he has produced a
magnificent book on his parents in the Mc-
Carthy era. And, happily since we stopped
working together, we've become much b
ter friends.
piArsor: How did you happen to go on to
write a book about the Supreme Court?
WOODWARD: I'll tell you the source who
started that whole project, because he's
d. Fm revealing his name now, for the
first time, because it's worth showing that
there really are sources, people really do
talk. It's not some reporters imagination
or some letter that comes in the mail with
no address, typed on a standard typewrit-
er. You have relationships, you nurture
them and they pay off.

PLAYBOY: Wc re all cars.
WOODWARD: It was Justice Potter Stewart.
It was the spring of 1977. 1 was back at the
Post, writing on a whole range of things. I
went to a party at the home of Mrs.
Katharine Graham, the publisher, and Jus-
tice Stewart was there. All through the re-
porting on The Final Days, Vd tried to talk
with him and he said he couldn't. But when
1 renewed the request at Mrs. Grahams, he
said, "Well, maybe; call my offi

So, the next morning, | called his office
and he asked me to come by the next night.
It was after dinner on April eleventh, 1977,

that I drove out 10 Wesley Heights and, for
security's sake, parked my car a block away
from his big home on Palisades Lane. We
sat out on his enclosed sun porch and he
drank out of a silver mintjulep cup. 1 told
him I'd become fascinated by the Court
when writing about the Nixon-tapes
He agreed to tell me about the Court—on
background. “You don't identify me
form or shape.”

Then out came this anger about Warren
Burger. It wasnt really a Burger Court, he
said. The Court was actually controlled by
a group of center Justices made up of him-
self and Powell, with bits of White, Stevens,
Blackmun and sometimes even Rehnquist.
What came through most of all was this
real intellectual disdain of Potter Stewart
who'd gone to Yale, for Burger and for
John Mitchell, these Nixon appointees
who'd gone to night school.

I didn't take a note that night, didn't
even take out my notebook, and then when
1 got home, typed out this two-and-a-half-
page single-spaced summary.
PLAYBOY: How long were you there?
WOODWARD: Oh, it must have been four or
five hours. What Poucr Stewart did that
night was to outline The Brethren. He
talked about all the fights with Burger,
about who was going to get paid the most,
whether the Chief Justice would get twenty-
five hundred dollars a year more than the
other Justices. And about dinners at the
Court given by other Justices in which
Burger would take over the whole evening
and act as though it were fis occasion be-
cause it was his Court. And Powell, t
courtly gentleman from the South, labeled
Burger's behavior “gross.”

But the most impressive thing Stewart
did that night was to describe in incredible
detail the sanctum. sanctorum. of the
Court, the Friday conference. He went
‘ound the table and described the ap-
proach each Justice would take. All Burger
would want to do was uphold criminal con-
victions; Brennan would give the straight
liberal line: White was a loner, hard to pr
dict; Blackmun would s 1 agree with
everything that has been said," which
Stewart thought hilarious, because there
had generally been total contradictions.

What also came across that night was
Stewart's contempt for Richard Nixon, He
felt that what had happened with Carl’
and my Watergate reporting was very im-
portant for the country
and for subduing th
America, tamping it dow!
Whoa.” The guys who had proclaimed
they were going to fight crime turned out
10 be the criminals.

At the end of the. evening, his wife
reminded him to walk the dog, Amos. So
had a long leash, which was actually
a clothesline, and he was still carrying
his mint-julep cup. He was stumbling
rou nd— not drunk, just fee! ng good

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PLAYBOY

question.” He knew what he was doing and
nk he almost hoped that he could
en Burger down by launching
this inquiry into how he ran the Court.
PLAYBOY: What were you thinking that
night as you drove away from those incred-
ible four hours with an Associate Justice of
the Supreme Court?

WOODWARD: Well, as I drove home, I real-
ized that either I could write a really inter-
esting article with a little bit more work or
here was the next book. So 1 wrote a memo
and then I went to my boyhood friend
Scott Armstrong—whom 1 had helped
place as an investigator for the Ervin Com-
mittee and who was now at the Post—and
said, “This is really a two-man job,” and so
that's how The Brethren got under way.
PLAYBOY: Did you go back to see Stewart?
WOODWARD: He continued to cooperate on
and off in a very complicated way He real-
ized he'd started somet
and I really dove into this thing and t;
with four other Justices, talked with one
hundred seventy law clerks and penetrat-
ed to the point where we got internal
memos, drafts of opinions, conference
notes, and so forth, Stewart realized he
wasn't necessarily going to be happy with
the result. I think he realized he had start-
ed an avalanche of sorts that was going to
cause the Court a lot of problems internal-
ly and externally. He would talk with me
for hours, but he was never quite as candid
as he had been that first night.

Nor
this confidential relati
preserved until this moment. | dont know
to what extent Stewart shared with his
brethren the fact that he had talked, but 1
think they had some idea, particularly aft-
er the book came out, and Lthink I compli-
cated his presence on the Court. Another
Justice told me that part of the reason
Stewart had left the bench was that there
was a suspicion—I suspect in Burger's
mind in particular—that this was a Stew-
art operation
PLAYBOY: All right. Here's an insider offer-
ing you information because it serves his
agenda. How do you correct for thai
WOODWARD: Well, Stewart's contempt for
Burger is very clearly stated in the book.
Some other people's contempt for Stewart.
is also clearly stated.
PLAYBOY: Yes, but if Stewart had wanted a
book that would cast doubt on the way
Warren Burger ran the Supreme Court, he
certainly got it, didn’t he?
WOODWARD: A lot of the things Stewart
said checked out from left, center and right.
PLAYBOY: But your critics would say that
s typical of source journalism. “Here's
e who has a grudge against the
Chief. At a party, he responds to Wood-
ward's suggestion that they get together.
"Then he opens the door to Woodward, gi
ing him material with which to assail the
Chief in a way the Justice himself could
never do. Attracted by the opportunity to
penetrate the Court's sec Woodward
serves as Stewart's hit man, while reporter

and source take shelter behind the confi-
dential-source relationship." That would
be the attack, wouldnt it

WOODWARD: But that would be from some-
body who hadnt read the book. Yes, Bur-
ger probably comes off worst, but that's
view shared by the other Justices we talked.
with, by the clerks, by most academic
Court watchers and supported by the doc-
uments we got. They agreed on Burger's
pomposity. his concern. with appearance.
nterest in cases and the
level of his scholarship.

And 1 wouldn't say that Stewart com
off best. I think Powell probably comes of
best, then maybe Blackmun and Rehn-
quist, Stevens, to a certain extent. I have to
tell you of Stewart's private comment to
someone else after the book came ow. He
said, “There's a lot of truth in that book,
probably too much." Which meant, it hurt.
He didnt call up and say. "Great job, great
hit job."

PLAYBOY: Did you talk with him.
the book came out?
WOODWARD: Yes, but it was chilly, You see,
he.opened the door, but then we got into
the room and I think we saw it from all
Look, would it have been nice to
s all out in the introduction: “By
1 was Stewart who opened the
door and theres a lot of animus here”?
The answer is, the terms of engagement
prevented it. I would argue that a good
ist has to protect those relation-
ships or he'll never get into the room in the
first place.
PLAYBOY: Your most acerbic critic on The
Brethren was Renata Adler, who, in her re-
view for The New York Times, condemned
the protection of a source's identity, "ex-
cept when actual, identifiable harm would
result to the source or to some other we
thy cause or person.” The confiden
source relationship, she concludes, "makes
stories almost impossible to verify It sup-
presses a major element of almost every in-
vestigative story: who wanted it known.”
WOODWARD: Adler cidit understand how
the Court worked. She understood how it
was supposed to work, based on having
gone to Yale Law School, but not how it ac-
ly worked. And she has a kind of in-
fantile ignorance about the way reporters
work, because she's not a practicing jou
nalis

Specifically. she doesnt understand what
we were doing in that book. It is verifiable.
We had documents, we had diaries. In the
Nixon-tapes case, we had all the memos, all
the drafts—everything. IT you make the
simplest eflort to check that book, you will
find that you can verify it, which, thank-
fully, scholars have done. As for sources,
I've named our first one for you, and when
others die, I'll be happy to name them, too.
PLAYBOY: How security conscious did you
have to be on The Brethren? Did you ever
interview a Justice in his chambers?
WOODWARD: Oh. yes, and I didn't even
wear a red wig. I remember calling one
Justice for the first time, and he said, “Can

all after

corners.
spell i

you be here in five n ?" It was before
the term started. We just sat there in his
chambers for two or three hours. 1 went
back the next day and the day after tha
The Justices are part of the intellectual,

political and soc shingion.
One night, at a party I met Sandra Day
O'Connor, "Oh," she . “I loved The

Brethren. Y vold me more about the Court!”
And I said something like. “I'd like to do
an update on it,” and she said, "Absolutely
not." And, in fact that her clerks
have to sign what amounts to a secrecy
pledge.

PLAYBOY: You met Ju
and Justice O'Connor at a party You n
disagree with 1. E Stone, who said a r
porter had no business breaking bread
with the people he writes about
WOODWARD: Of course, undue. chummi-
ness can be a problem. but if people invite
me to cocktails or dinner, I accept. My job
is to get to know people. I think 1. E Stone,
who is obviously one of the greats, limits
himself by not dealing with peuple
PLAYBOY: By the time you finished The
Brethren in 1979, you began taking on a
new role at the Post.

WOODWARD: Yeah. Bradlee said, "You
ought to try this.” So, I gave up writing
books for a while and became the papers
metropolitan editor. Colleagues would go
out to lunch with me and say, "You're going
to be Bradlee's successor; it's obvious.” And
1 would say, “I dont know about that." lt
was fortunate that 1 didn't put all my eggs
n that basket, because, although 1 really
enjoyed editing, | guess its pretty clear
that | wasn't very good at it.

PLAYBOY: Your critics argue that that was a
result of your inordinate concentration on
high-impact, “Holy shit!" stories at the ex
pense of routine, bread-and-potatoes cov-
erage of a city. Is that fair?

WOODWARD: Yes, I think thats fair. I think
thats what I was looking for. Ina way, I got
what I deserved.

PLAYBOY: And that came to be symbolized
by the Janet Cooke affair?

WOODWARD: Yes. Miss Cooke, a reporter
on the city staff, which reported to me
through the city editor, wrote a remarkable
story about an eight-year-old heroin addict
who was essentially being held hostage by
his mother and the mother’s boyfriend.

In 1981, her story won a Pulitzer Prize.
Within a few hours, the ociated Press
checked with Vassar, where Miss Cooke
claimed to have gone, and found that she'd
been there for only one ycar. Then Vassar
called Bradlee and he called me in and we
just looked at each other, said, “Oh, my
God.” and we knew.

So then I went on the case and got her
questioned her into the night, really
got tough with her and finally said, “In the
interest of. yourself and this newspaper,
this cant go on. We need the truth.” That
Sunday, we published the full story of how
she had fabricated that piece.

PLAYBOY: Did the episode hit you hard?
WOODWARD: lhose were dark da

tice Stewart at a party
1

is shaken. I talked with everybody, try-
ing to figure out how I could have been so
stupid. One night, 1 invited the entir
metropolitan staff out to my living room.
There were a lot of questions, there was à
lot of anger, because people felt it splat-
tered on them. Iı was like the passengers
on an ocean liner that had gone aground
who said to the guy up there on the bridge.
"How did you let this happen?”
PLAYBOY: Did you ever contemplate resign.
ng from the paper?
WOODWARD: Yes, the next Sunday, I went
out to [publisher] Don Graham's house
and told him that somebody had to be
fingered and I felt that I should quit. 1 was
not the one who edited the story; the city
editor did that. But when you're at the top
of the chain of command, you have to ac-
cept responsibility. Graham said that if I
quit, then the city editor would have to
quit, and so would the managing es
and Bradlee and Graham himsell—
he wasn't about to do. What we ought to do
was to look hard at the mistakes and ex-
tract the proper lessons.
PLAYBOY: What were those lessons for you?
My failure was not only jour-
moral. I said, “This is a great
and never looked at the human im-
pact on an eight-year-old. I think my
greatest failure when Cooke came in with
s not to have said, “Were go-
ing to run the story tomorrow and then
I'm going down to a phone booth and drop.
à dime myself to the cops and tell them
‘Go to this address and rescue this child,
That might have set off alarm bells 10
solve the journalistic problem. After the
story came out, the mayor, to his credit,
med to know who the child was and
where she was. And we took a “principled”
stand, saying, *No, we have a source rela-
tionship with the mother." Well, that's ab-
surd. It was murder, or slow torture, of a
child, If that happened now, I'd think of
journalism second and the child first.
PLAYBOY: That is interesting, coming from
the protector of confidential sources. Sup-
pose you were writing on covert operations
and your source were someone who had
participated in the assassination ol a for-
cign leader, which is a crime—would you
drop a dime on that person?
WOODWARD: No, 1 wouldnt. But it’s a
provocative question. I think there are
times when you might find a way to do
your story and also uphold the law. They
shouldn't be at war with cach other. But I
have a special feeling for children. I have a
twelve-year-old daughter and I think jour-
nalists have extra responsibilities toward
children.
PLAYBOY: Lets talk about your next book,
Wired. Ws the only book you've done on a
non-Governmental subject. How did the
project develop?
WOODWARD: Well n The Brethren, it be-
gan with a key point of access to somebody:
Judy Jacklin Belushi, John's widow, called

me and said, "I want you to look at this.”
PLAYBOY: She went to you because she be-
lieved there was something fishy about her
husband's death, that the woman who had
injected her husband with the lethal dose
of drugs might have been a police inform-
ant. So once again, the source went to yor
armed with her own agenda.
WOODWARD: Yes, but there was a major dif-
ference here: Virtually all my interviews
for Wired were on the record. Certainly, all
th ussions with Judy Belushi. There
was no disguised source, certainly no dis-
guised agenda.

PLAYBOY: Lynn Hirschberg, who wrote a
piece in Rolling Stone about the Wired con-
troversy, believes you were drawn to
Belushi because, in some way, it was your
own story. She thinks you were “fascinated
by the failure of success.” She quotes you
aying, “I know what it’s like to have e:
me. And I hate to say it, but it's almost
like you're already dead."

WOODWARD: Sure, the perils of carly
success—and that real problem, What are
ng to do next? going

“Gelting secrets out of
‚people in the intelligence
world takes incredible
nurturing”

to do for us no s the famous Bradlee
line on the pressures of a daily newspaper.
Howard Simons was wonderful on that
issue, a real mensch. He sat me down even
during Watergate and said, "This is going
to be hard; it’s going to be treacherous.
Think about what you do. FII help vou."
PLAYBOY: Specifically, you launched the
Belushi project about a year after the Janet
Cooke f nd the forced abandonment
ion to succeed Ben Bradlee.
Were the two episodes related?
WOODWARD: Oh, yes, I guess so. Here were
these two men from Wheaton, both of
whom had Td been hit
from behind and had to turn and look
at the whole situation. Belushi got hit from
the front and it was terminal. He had no
time to take stock and extract a lesson
Maybe that's what I was trying to do on his
behalf. And, since we all identify with
everybody we write about, maybe I was
trying to extract a lesson for myself as well.
But I was also drawn to the subject for
other reasons. There's the Wheaton con-
nection; theres the universal mystery of
death; there's drugs; there's the Holly
wood culture, which is Mysteryland to
those of us in Washington.
PLAYBOY: When the book was publi:
some prominent people charged tha
hadnt done justice to Belushi's
Aykroyd called the book

asted failure

icholson said of you, “The man isa ghoul
and an exploiter of emotionally disturbed
widows.” The widow herself said, “He lied
to me.” How did you react to those fero-
cious attacks?

WOODWARD: What I did in that book was
hold a mirror up to those people and draw
attention to their
shi's death. They didn’t li
Film people are used to gett
ride in the press, p: larly out there. If
we covered V gion like the Los Ange-
les Times covers Hollywood, we would be
out of business. The at all
about the abuses, the stuff in Indecent Ex-
posure or the drug stuff in Wired. They just
don't touch it. They dont ask the hard
questions about these people.

PLAYBOY: The film people seem initially to
have accepted you as a celebrity. Did their
rage come from a sense of betrayal, that a
fellow celebrity had turned on them?
WOODWARD: II so, then they're n: Be-
cause I was there with my tape recorder
out, notebook out, making it clear what 1
doing.

PLAYBOY: Perhaps you can dismiss the criti-
cism from Nicholson and Aykroyd, but
isn't it harder to deal with the widow's con-
tention that you lied to her?

WOODWARD: Well, everything | did with
her is on the record. She knew exactly
what I was doing I think Judy Belushi
wanted a different ending to the story I
guess she hoped I would find out that John
had been tied up and forced to take drugs
or that he was still alive in Des Moines liv-
ing under a different name. She couldn't
cope with the real ending. | understand
that emotionally

PLAYBOY: Let's move on to your most recent
book, Veil, once again based on extraordi-
to a major source, though no
longer a confidential one. Perhaps the cei
tral question is, What was William Casey's
agenda? Why did he talk with you
WOODWARD: Well, he was one of the cagi-
est, sliest, smartest, most manipulative, un-
scrupulous people
PLAYBOY: But what
case?

WOODWARD: | think he was up to a whole
series of things. I think he kind of enjoyed
the game. E think he wanted to play de-
fei g system for
him. People have quoted him as saying
that I was dangerous to the agency, and he
may have thought it was better to know
what was going on than to slam the door.
PLAYBOY: Murray Kempton wrote a column
putting it a bit more bluntly. He suggested
that by drawing you into a quasi-con-
fidential rela and by spilling selec-
tively to you, Casey was diverting your
attention from the things he didn't want
you to find out. Any truth to that?
WOODWARD: As an umbrella description of
what was going on, no, I think Kempton
just doesn’t know what he's talking about.
But 1 concede that there were clements

ng a free

‘asl

e is no curio:

y acce:

he up to in this

I was an carly

PLAYBOY

of what Kempton is talking
ample, one of the things I should have
made exp the book is that €

ceeded in keeping me from writing that
William Buckley, one of the hostages, had
been his Cl [in Beirut. For
more than a year, I knew that he was a CLA
man and Casey regularly talked me out of
writing it: “If you want to get him killed,
you go right ahead.” So 1 talked with Brad-
lee and others at the Post, and we agreed
not to do it. I think we made the right deci:
sion. But In sure he was able to say to peo-
ple, “I've kept that story out of the pape

And that was very important, more impo
tant than I said in Vei.

PLAYBOY: Win

WOODWARD: Well, be Buckley had

some ted to the
Middle
PLAYBOY: What were they?
WOODWARD: I'd love to tell you wh
were, but Im not going to. Anyway, Casey
felt that he had to leave no stone unturned
to get Buckley out or, if not, to protect him
information.

ll right. What about Iran/Con-
tra? You've admitted that you missed much
of that while it was happening. Did Casey's
strategy work the
WOODWARD: Well, 1 would have preferred
to have found out about the Iran arms
les before that rag in Beirut, and | didn't.
1 failed and I should have got it, and 1 am
really critical of myself. He knew about it
and he didn't tell me. So was I being co-
opted? I don't know. I didn't get
else to tell me about
PLAYBOY: Casey w
the press, wasn't he?

pretty shrewd at using

WOODWARD: Oh. yes. | think the real story
there is the manipulative quasi openness
of the Reagan Administration that didn't

create the Haldeman-Ehrlichman wall.
The Reagan people let people in and they
talked. All kinds of officials—National Se
ity Advisors, CIA Directors, White
House Chiefs of Stall —dealt with stories
in a very sophisticated way, a level of so-
phistication that neither the Nixon nor the
Carter White House could match. I dont
think it was necessarily dishonest, but I
think it wound up concealing some things.
Casey was part of that. People were sur-
prised that he would deal with me, that he
would say, non, fly back with me, sit on
the plane, get out the Scotch and the
peanut mix,” and let me roam the world
with the Director of Central Intelligence
[D.C.1.]. So I think the case file is still not
dosed on what and how much Casey ın
aged to conceal,
PLAYBOY: Lets take a great story you did
have in the book: the fact that Casey per-
sonally authorized the attempted as
nation of Sheik Fadlallah, the Shiite lead
You write that Casey had blood on his
hands, because eighty innocent. people:
though not Fadlallah—were killed in the
bombing. Isn't that something Americans
ought to have known about as soon as a
porter uncovered it, without having to wait

ar or two to read it in a book?
WOODWARD: | agree with you completely.
But, in that case, the final information—
about the crucial discussion between
Casey and Prince Bandar, the Saudi am-
bassador to the United States—was not
confirmed until July 1987. We were wind-
ng up the book and we knew it would be
out in September. So I told the Poss edi-
tors about it. € y was dead at that point,
the Iran/Contra hearings were winding
down, they couldnt get the li amh
ador to testify, because he had diplomatic
munity. Se we waited two months. If |
1 had that
when Casey wi
lished it. But I didn't.

PLAYBOY: That raises the question of
whether your multiple roles—as the Post's
assistant managing editor for investiga-
ions, as its best-known investigative re-
porter r of bestselling
books—are in some conflict. It’s the issu
Flora Lewis of The New York Times raised
ina very pugnacious column.

WOODWARD: I think it raises some ques-
tions, i Agal
1 think Flora Lewis just charged out of the
box with that and didn't look at what was in
the book or what had been in the newspa
per, and I think, pi ch, we put the
right things in the paper and saved the
right things for the book.

Flora Lewi nd of assumed in that
column that we hadn't thought about that
vas we were well aware
that it was fraught with potential prob-
lems, which were sorted out in open con-
sultation with the senior editors at the Post.
It was a case-by-case decision on each story.

A lot of what I was getting from Casey
and elsewhere at the CIA found its way
10 the paper, either under my by-line or in
conjunction with what others at the paper
were doing. I did a lot of good exclusive
stories for the paper with the White
House, the State Department and the De-
fense Department correspondents.
PLAYBOY: So you would argue that vour di
verse roles actually rei her
WOODWARD: Oh, ves. G ecrets, par
ucularly top-secret documents, out of
people in the intelligence world takes in-
credible nurturing. I mean dozens of
meetings, the slow buikling of trust and
mutual confidence, So I and the top editors
at the Post agree that you it going to
t good daily stories about the CLA unless
somebody's going for the deep game, in-
terviewing people over months, years. You
cant get the stories without the book and
you cant get the book without having the
role at the newspap:

Casey knew I was going to write about
the CIA in the Post, maybe the next day,
which gave me access to him and to lots of
other people. The faci that I was doing the
book made it possible to build the source
relationships that produced documents,
tips and clues on major stories.

PLAYBOY: A word about the
the hospital. Don't you thi

ted so much attention is that
you put it at the end, implying that you lent
Casey's few mumbled words a great deal of
weight? Was placing it there a mista
WOODWARD: Well, the book is the story of
my relationship with Casey. That was the
last encounter, so it appropriately goes at
the end. Wa clusive evidence that he

uch that he says. At the same time,
k every
Casey knew abou

ic agrees now that of course
the diversion, that. of
course Casey was the hidden hand behind
Oliver North, behind the whole series of
actions, many of which we knew about,
many of which we may never know about.
So I think kind of a nice coda, and I
feel basically comfortable about it.
PLAYBOY: One reason many people seem to
doubt that you were in that hospital room
is that you w
you got presumably because
you had help and dont want to ident
that help. Can you be any less mysterious
tod:
WOODWARD: Sure I had help. Whether it
vas high-level, low-level or mid-level, Im
just not going to say. I gather the CIA con-
ducted some sort of witch-hunt, trying to
determine how it occurred. So 1 have
10 proiect whoever helped me, and 1 will,
just like any other source.
PLAYBOY: Mrs. Casey ted that you were
never in her husband's hospital ad,
indeed, that you hadnt had the relation-
ship you claimed to have had with him
WOODWARD: She's a very sweet lady. Those
were statements of emotional support for
her husband, which she had every right to
make.

PLAYBOY: As we move toward the end here,
it occurs to us that you're reputed to have a
problem, as a writer, with the big, sweeping
conclusion. You tried t0 write a big sum
mary chapter at the end of Vel and
couldnt; you tried a similar chapter at the
end of The Brethren and couldn't do that.
Thue?

WOODWARD: Yes, that’s true. 1 cant write
those big cosmic analyses. I read things by
various people that 1 wish 1 could repli-
cate, weaving fact and judgment, the kind
of sophisticated calls that really help the
narrative. But I am just nor capable—and
ave fauh—of taking A, B, C and.
i. “OK, now E." And TII tell
you why. never know what you doi
know. You fill in the puzzle, vou get lots of
things. but there are parts you dorit sce.
And Tve found it best to stick with what
Pre

isa
D and say

ot
you play to your strengths, and 1
guess Im destined to bc a fact repe
T thought there was a whole array of
reporters out there finding out every
that needed to be reported, I guess |
would fold my tent. But I dont. I think
there Il kinds of important things
we dont even know the basics about.

re still a

SURGEON G
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

" z a

MERN” S
they say

we dont

have feelings,

article By MICHAEL CRICHTON

MY FRIEND DICK IS A PSYCHOLOGIST: I tell him Playboy has asked me to write about men's
hearts. "That's a tough assignment,” Dick says. “You have a majority of the population
against you."

“The majority against me? Why?”

“The majority of the population is women,” Dick says.

Dick has written books on feminism. He's knowledgeable al
novement, which can be pretty brutal. But I'm wondi
meris hearts goes beyond politics, if anything more fundamental can be s:

I am staying with a family in a thatched hut in a
expect I will live among people in a state of primitiv. nstead, the husband.
the wife fight long into the night. The baby screams. The other children look wor

One day, the wife chops off her little finger. In New Guinea, this
male protest against the way things are going.

I find the husband, Hebru, stomping around outside the house. He's wearing a
grass skirt, fcathers around his neck, a bonc in his nose, bright-yellow paint on his
face. He kicks the dirt for a whil don't understand that woman," he says in pidgin
English, shaking his head. “I don't know what she wants.”

Well, I could have told him. Hebru is about to marry a third wife, and this wom-
an, his second wife, is unhappy about it. It's perfectly clear to me. Yet, according to
Tari custom, Hebru is entitled to as many wives as he can support. If he has enough

but what

the hell

do they know?

HB A RTS

ILLUSTRATION BY SANORA HENOLER.

PLAYBOY

pigs to pay the bride price, he is entitled
to take another wife.

So, from Hebru's siandpoint, his sec-
ond wife, Rose, has no business com-
plaining this way acting badly, cutting off
her finger. She is behaving outrageously.

So there we are, standing in the morn-
ing sun, kicking the dirt and commiser-
ating over a traditional guy's problem.

She isn't doing what she’s supposed to.

She's mad for no reason.

She's unreasonable. She's impossible.

Women!

Men and women dont understand
each other. They never have. Perhaps
they never will. The battle of the sexes
may be a permanent condition.

If so, how can it be anyonc's fault?

At a conference in Aspen, Betty
Friedan argues that women are more
moral than men. She receives a standing
ovation from men and women alike. I re-
fuse to stand. And secing the men ap-
plauding and smiling, I think: If a man
came to this conference and gave a
speech in which he said that men were
inherently more moral than women, the
women would stone him to death.

So why are these men standing and ap-
plauding?

What has happened to men, anyway?

There is no question that men feel that
they are under attack and psvchological-
ly beaten down. All sorts of horrible
qualities are attributed to us: We are un-
emotional, we are brutal, we are violent,
we are uncaring. Were lousy lays. We
dont know how to find that clit. We don't
know how to satisfy our mates.

We've been hearing this for more than
90 vears. There are young American
men who have heard nothing else.

1 am 45, old enough to remember a
world before television and a world be-
fore feminism, Even in the quaint, sim-
pler world of the Fifties, there was plenty
of conflict between the sexes. A typical
Sunday afternoon would find the men
outside by the barbecue drinking beer
and the women in the kitchen drinking
coffee. And before long, each sex would
be complaining about the other. The
women were inside saying, “Men are such
children, they're so helpless,” while the
men were outside saying, “Women are so
helpless, they're children."

Each group bitched about the other in
those simplisuc terms. Everyone got his
complaints aired. before a sympathetic
audience, and then everyone went home
with his mate, feeling much better. No-
body really believed it.

But, 30 years later, it seems as if the
Fifties stereotypic view of men has been
accepted in many quarters as true. The
bookstores are full of books about how

men hate women, refuse to grow up and
are unemotional, unloving, violent. Tele-
vision is full of men such as Alan Alda
and Phil Donahue, who show by their en-
lightened example that ordinary men are
insensitive, incapable of commitment.

There's some truth to all that, but
there's also some exaggeration.

Many studies are shamefully unscien-
tific; many spokespersons have a person-
al ax to grind; and much of the rhetoric
simply doesn't match the facts. To take an
example, the most accurate study of do-
mestic violence concludes that women en-
gage as often as men. That isn't
widely discussed: Few men want to be
known as wife beaters, but even fewer
want to be known as wife-beaten. It's onc
of the places where the much-criticized
macho-male image collides with the facts.
Rhetoric is simpler than reality.

But meanwhile, men find they must
defend themselves against the rhetoric,
that they are inarticulate and wont ex-
press their emotions; that they dont lis-
ten; that they are unwilling to commi

Its gotten so bad that when Friedan
says men are often morally inferior, all
the men stand up and applaud her.

Let's consider those complaints again.

Are men inarticulate? Sure, some-
times. Expressing deep feelings is
difficult, especially if you've been told—
as most males have—that to express feel-
ings is unmanly.

But 1 dont really see that women are
able to express their feelings any better.
Many women like to talk about feelings,
as men like to talk about football and
computers. But when it comes to talking.
about your own feelings, it seems to me
that women suddenly stumble. In the
workplace, around the dinner table, on
that big date, I am not aware that a wom-
an has an easier time saying the hard
truths: that her feelings are hurt, or that
she feels weak or sad or inadequate.

I don't see women powering through
psychotherapy faster than men because
they have easier access to their feelings.

1 dor't see lesbian relationships going
more smoothly than heterosexual ones.

I dont see friendships between women
going more smoothly than friendships
between men. Plenty of female friend-
ships collapse into nastiness.

I dont sec any real evidence that wom-
en handle their feclings better than men
do: Most child abuse occurs in single-par-
ent homes headed by women.

In short, L think the stereotype of the
inarticulate, emotionally unexpressive
male is simply untrue. The truth is that
expressing a deep feeling is difficult for
anybody, male or female.

Supposedly, men dont know how to li

ten, either. But here's my friend Li

seated beside me at a dinner party, ask-
ing what she should do in Stockholm
when she goes there next week on busi-
ness. She's flattering me, treating me like
the big travel expert.

But when I start to answer, Lois turns
away and asks another man another
Hattering question. 1 am giving my an-
swer to the back of her nec!

Lois’ behavior is an exaggeration of a
well-documented reality. Studies show
that in social situations, women ask ques-
tions of men far more often than men a:
women. It's a way of interacting. Flatter
their egos. Keep 'em talking.

But as I see it, Lois isn't being sociable
at all. She is making herself the center of
attention by insincere behavior. She's a
kind of conversational cock tease. 1 find
her behavior hurtful and demeanin;

And later on, when we're alone, if she
wants to tell me how men don't listen,
she's got a big problem

OF course, mate situations
that listening is most critical —when the
other person is saying something you
don't want to hear, don't want to deal
with. But at those times, are men espe-
cially deficient?

Notice at work, or in some other non-
intimate setting, how often you must
explain again what you mean, to males
and females alike. Notice how often ideas
get scrambled and even inverted.

Communication is difficult even when
nobody is angry or hurt or threatened.
Its just plain difficult.

I don't find that women have any spe-
cial gift here, either.

Men won't make commitments? Let's
face it: Commitment is hard for anybody
Watch a person in a store buying
a shirt. “Oh, I dont know. Is it
me?... I'm not sure I like the color." On
and on, for some lousy shirt that he'll dis-
card in a year.

Irs harder if you're choosing your col-
lege major. Or a paint color for the apart
ment. Or a new car. Or a job. Or a mate

The more important the decision, the
more difficult it is to make.
tension that surrounds it, the longer it
takes.

When I was young, in the Fifties, all
the women were eager to get married
and all the men were eager to stay single.
That dynamic has changed, perhaps
even reversed. But the point is, it was
always a dynamic. There was always
tension and disagreement: “Lets get
married." “Not now" “Then when?” “I
don't know. I'm just not ready to settle
down”

One of the great ironies today is that
women who aren't ready to seule down
are doing a good thing—pursuing their
careers and fulfilling themselves. Whereas

(concluded on page 80)

"Stop playing hard to get, Bernice!”

THE SHAME-FREE NATURAL HISTORY OF

MAKING OUT

WELCOME BACK TO THOSE GIDDY DAYS WHEN

GETTING THERE WAS HALF TH

HE RULES of the

game during

my youth were
rigidly laid out. You invited a
girl out three to five days in
advance for a Friday- or Sat-
urday-night date. You took
her to a movie or a dance and
then for a burger. On the
third date, you tried to kiss
her good night. If she let you,
On successive dates, you
necked with her in some

semiprivate place, such as

your dads Chevy before

dropping her off at home. You began with French kissing.
proceeded to general outside-the-dothes body fondling

and, if you could manage to distract her attention long

essay By DAN GREENBURG

panty girdles, without ca

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

E FUN

enough while trying to get
her hot, on about the 17th
date, you went for bare tit.
Once you got bare tit (second
base or "bare second"), you
could try for third. If the girl
was not "fast," that might oc-
cur around date number 34
From there on into home
plate, it was largely a matter
of how skillfully you could
manage the mechanics of
clothing removal and actual
entry while coping with a

gigantic steering wheel, a

gearshift, passing motorists, inquisitive pedestrians, occa-
sional tricky underwear, such as corsets or (God forbid!)

ng attention to the fact that you

were actually aware of what you were about to get away with. As long as
you could allow the girl to pretend that she was merely being swept
along on a tide of passion rather than making a conscious decision to
permit sex, the responsibility for what was happening wasnt felt to be

on her shoulders. Once you permitted it to shift to her shoulders—and

that generally happened long before you got to third base—there was

only one thing you could do: attempt
10 convince her verbally of the logic,
the naturalness, the healthiness, the

goodness, the rightness and even the

beauty of letting vou shove your
schlong between her legs. I became a
master in my time of this type of ver-
bal intercourse. 1 started using the
technique long before it was necessary
or advisable in the process of seduc-
tion and continued using it long past

the point of diminishing returns—of-

ten losing the opportunity to score in
the process. I began babbling about re-
specting her afterward when we'd
barely kissed and continued chanting

the litany of precoital rites well into

mally into the very act of

bed—oce:
intercourse itself. If the bodies of all of
us overly verbal, ambivalent, guilt-ridden
urban middle-class youths had been
wired for sound and plugged into a PA
system, the streets of our cities would
have reverberated with thunderous
choruses of: “Just let me sleep all night
with my arms around you and I
promise I won't touch you!” and “Just
let me touch you there and I promise 1

ont go any further unless you want

a o tra ehe
me lo!" and "Just let me put the tip in
and I promise I won't go in all the way
unless you ask me to!" and "Just let me
put it in all the way and I swear to you
I won't come unless you beg me to!”
We were nervous, sweaty and horny.
We hungered for sex, yearned for it,
had wet dreams about it, We plotted

make-out strategy with our buddi

endlessly analyzing everything our in-
tended had said or done after cach en-
counter for evidence that we were
succeeding or failing in our quest

When we struck out, we were crushed,

beaten and reduced to a bloody pulp.
When we succeeded, it was with a
whimper of relief, gratitude and out-

rageous joy and, even if it was with a

“fast” girl, we imagined that we were
in love. In the late Fifties, we lay on car
seats and our dates’ living-room floors
and made out to records that seemed
to typily dating in that period: the

Kingston Trio, the Four Freshmen, the

Four Aces, Frank Sinatra; Dave Bru-
beck with Paul Desmond's saxophone
doodling lazy curlicues around the
melody lines; Jackie Gleason's Music

for Lovers Only and Music to Make

You Misty, with Bobby Hackett’s faraway trumpet blurring all the old
standards into sleepy sound-alike versions of Our Love Is Here to Stay.
It was a much more innocent time. It was before the advent of herpes,
AIDS, ticking biological clocks and the transmutation of premarital as-

sets into the marriage Community. What you worried about back then

was whether your breath smelled good enough to risk kissing her, what

to do when the arm you had around her shouldei the theater went

numb and froze, how to buy a condom without setting off a clanging
alarm in the drugstore and whether the breasts you'd been furtively
fondling through her cashmere sweater for the past hour might some-
how prove to be falsies and reveal you as the schmuck of the century for

not having been able to tell the difference. Although I lost my cherry at

the advanced age of 23 and got mar-

ried five minutes before the start of

the sexual revolution, I eventually got

divorced, and this magazine sent me
on a number of assignments to write
about orgies and sex clubs. Soon I'd
made up for all the time I'd squan-
dered on verbal seductions on the seat
of Dad's Chevy. “Isn't it amazing how
fast you can get to know someone real-
ly well by having sex with her upon
meeting her?” 1 was fond of saying
during that period. In time, I tired of
orgies and sex clubs. I met a tasty
young woman, dated her for a few
years, married her and had a child
with her. Im glad I went to orgies and
sex clubs, and Um glad I evolved to
other things. And I realize now. con-
trary to what I said at the time, that

ig sex with someone upon meci-

ing her, far from causing you to know
her well immediately, was false intima-

ey; it practically ensured that you

didn’t get to know her at all. For all

is frustra

ns, ma

king out caused
you to get to know your partner well
h was also exciting and fun and,

at times, achingly beautiful. I miss it

PLAYBOY

MEN'S HEARTS

(continued from page 70)
Me situation are seen as u
mit.

men in the
nig to co

In the end, complaints about men
seem to come down to the issue of inti
cy. Men aren't intimate. They don't know
how to be. They avoid intimacy at all
costs.

A woman I once lived with d
our personal troubles. with her girl-
friends. Whenever Fd see those gi
friends, I was uncomfortable, because I
knew they had been told all sorts of inti-
mate things

I mentioned this to my friend Elaine, a
corporate psychological consultant. 1
said I felt betrayed by the fact that my
girlfriend went outside our relationship
that way I said that in my
men didn't discuss thi
that sort of detail with other men.

"Of course not,” Elaine said.

Evidently, Elaine wasn't listening, be-
cause I wasnt talking about men, I was
talking about me. Second, Elaine was giv-
ing me a stereotypic reply, and a rather
unthinking onc, considering that she is a
psychologist. And third, Elaine was new-
ly divorced, 39 years old and living with
an 18-year-old stud muffin. So, offhand,
Fd say she was avoiding intimacy like the
plague. Which is finc—in the battle of
the sexes, we all need some RER.

But where did she get the idea that it's
men who arent intimate? How could she
say it so confidently, as if it were a truth
ly acknowledged?

A statistician of the sexes would draw a
Venn diagram with two overlapping cir
cles, According to any trait, men cluster
in one circle, wome

But the circ

We all know that is true,

Even in the simplest aspect of sexual
dimorphism—such as the fact that me
have more muscle mass for body

has never nce at the
woman pumping iron next to him in the
gym, trying casually to add up the weight
she’s lifting? And how many reps is she
doing?

The fact is, there are aggressive wom-
en and passive men, physical women and
verbal men, career-oriented women and
home-oriented men.

It may be true that most men differ
from most women in some statistical wa
But we don't have relationships with
“most men” or “most women.” We have
relationships with individual men and
women. And when we apply the group
stereotype 10 an individual, we are guilty
of prejudic

Its no longer acceptable to talk about

Irishmen. Why isit still acceptable to talk
about intimacy-avoi

.
Most of the men I know wa

1 to please
women, to be friends with them, to get
along with them. Most of the men I know
nt sex and love and caring relation-
lives. And on some level, we
tionships with women more
than women need their relationships
th us. We are biologically frail: More
male infants die in the first year of lile,
we dont live as long as women and we
fare less well living alone. We dont need
statistics 10 remind us. We know in our
hearts.

How did we get to be defined as inti-
macy avoiders? It doesn't make sense, ex-
cept as prejudice.

When I look at people, I sce individual
human beings struggling to find love and
fulfillment, using their skills, overcom-
ing their drawbacks. Fach human being
has some behavior that he or she can do
; almost without thinking, and oth-
er behavior that he or she accomplishes
only with painful effort

From this individual standpoint, gen-
der doesn't seem very important. Its a
detail, like where you were born. I can't
say, “All men are this way" any more
than I can say, “All Chicagoans are this
way"

The g

eneral

ns won't stand up.
.

On the other hand, intimate relation-
ships are hard.

Communi
is hard

Getting along w
hard.

‘Trusting another person is hard

Frankly the easiest thing is to live
alone. Then you can do whatever yo
want. No conflicting schedules, no com-
ng careers, no restraints, no different
no annoying other person to put
up with.

But the thing is, then you're alone.

Thesc , men and women can live
comfortably as singles, and 25 percent of
the adult population now chooses to do
so. There's plenty of fast food, plenty of
takeout, plenty of services catering to sin-
gles. It's a convenient way of life

But if you dort want to live alone,
you'll have to put up with a nother per-
son. And that other person just isn't go-
ing to be the person you want him to be.

At least not all the time.

Thats just the way it is.

So how can it be anybody's fault?

Faulthnding through male stereotyp-
ing has some unpleasant aspects that
should be mentioned. The first is this: IF
you can adopt the position that you're in-
herently skilled in some aspect of rela-

ing with another person

h another person is

tionships—say, intimacy —and the other
person is inherently deficient, then you
have an unbeatable position of power.
The other person is always on the defe:
sive. He will always have his hands full
trying to prove that he isnt the way vou
say he i:

This is a control dynamic.

The second is this: IF both men and
women have trouble ing intimacy.
then both men and women experience
tension in that area. A convenient way to
get rid of that tension is to blame it on the
other person. Everything would be fine if
he'd just talk or listen or make a commit-
ment.

This is a se

The at another
person as type, he will feel
sooner or later, he will pay
is a revenge dynamic

The fourth is this: H you treat another
person as a stereotype, you will mis
great deal of delight and richness in your
association with him

This is a tragic dynamic

nd Bill is an artist whose wilc
has just given birth to a son. Several of us
go Over to his house to sce the new baby
the baby's
s to come out,” he says, grab-
bing a piece of fruit, pushing it through
his cupped hands. “I looks just like this.”
He is excited. He tells all about the birth.
“Its a miracle," he says, liis eyes misting.
“I's a goddamned miracle.”

An awkward silence Is over the
table. We all look at our dinner. plates.
Bill is a tough guy, an uncmotional guy.
a guy wrapped up in his work.

Bill is crying.

Some pcople say that having a baby has
changed Bill, but I dont think so. As £
as I can tell, he is the same person he al-
He's still a tough guy and he's
ped up in his work. But. like ev
erybody else, Bill has another side. And
here he is, crying over the birth of h
child,
complex person than he's usually as-
sumed to be.

The older 1 get, the more impressed 1
am by the importance of human diversi-
ty Were all so differeni—and a good
thing, too. We need all kinds of people
in che world. We need people who can ex-
press the
ple); we need people who are reflective,
caring and We need people who
arc interested in things, and people who
are interested in people.

We need all the traditional opposites:

emotions (actors, for exam-

artists and critics, coaches and players,
bosses and underlings. M nd fe-
males. And somehow, we've just got to get

along.

“Trust silly, romantic me io fall for that old

bewitched-sailor routine!

LOVE
NOTES

dispatches

from the

heart

HE MORE WE SAY about love, the
less we have it pegged. How we fall in love, what we are like
when we're in love, the nuts and bolts, the grand, impossible
feelings—bright minds throughout history have tried to cap-
ture that slippery sensation.

[Love is that] delightful interval between meeting a beautiful
girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.—JOHN BARRY-
MORE v Absence is to love what wind is to fire: It extinguishes the
small, it enkindles the great.—COMTE DE BUSSY-RABUTIN v Man's
love is of man’s life a thing apart, ‘Tis woman's whole existence.—
LORD BYRON v [n love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and
one always ends by decetving others; that is what the world calls a
romance.—OSCAR WILDE v Í try never to be alone with a beautiful
woman. Because when I'm alone, the devil in me becomes danger-
ous.—TINY TIM v Don't let that little frankfurter run your life.—
BRUCE JAY FREIDMAN v If two people love each other, there can be
no happy end to it. —ERNEST HEMINGWAY v As long as you know
thet most men are like children, you know everything.—coco
CHANEL v Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and
touch and greet each other.—RAINER MARIA RILKE v | believe
that love cannot be boughl except with love, and he who has a
good wife wears heaven in his hal—MARLON BRANDO in Viva
Zapata! « Dames lie about anything—just for practice.—Rav-
MOND CHANDLER v Pll be damned if PU love just to love—there's
gol to be more lo it than that. —HUMPHREY BOGART

ILLUSTRATIONS BY EVERETT PECK

SOMETHING
HAPPENS

what we know about the chemistry of desire

FOR SOME OF us, it happens once in a lifetime; for others, a few
times. For many people, it seems to happen every Friday
night. Regardless of how often it happens, one thing seems
clear: Falling in love makes all of us feel good.

From the instant we become attracted to someone, our en-
ergy level begins to surge. We become so overstocked with
adrenaline that we can put our basic needs on indefinite back
order. Our heart starts racing, our breath comes more quick-
ly; we feel excited, euphoric. To those of us who have taken
amphetamines, it feels exactly as if we were on speed.

What happens? For the answer, we turn to... science

It is no coincidence that falling in love makes us feel asif we
were speeding. In recent years, medical researchers have
come to believe that romantic attraction and stimulant drugs
such as cocaine and amphetamines affect our brain chemistry

in much the same way. Much of the research that has been
done in this area is examined by Dr. Michael R. Liebowitz in
The Chemistry of Love. Dr. Liebowitz is the director of the
Anxiety Disorders Clinic at the New York State Psychiatric In-
stitute and an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at the
College of Physicians and Surgeons at Columbia University.

“What seems likely,” says Liebowitz, “is that the same neu-
rochemical events that underlie many kinds of pleasure and
stimulant-drug arousal are also involved when we feel very at-
tracted to someone.” That could account for why the feelings
are so similar and, he adds, “for the bad judgment that both
amphetamine users and lovers sometimes show”

While acknowledging that it may seem strange to compare
romantic feelings to drug-induced states, Liebowitz points out
that drugs work not by creating new chemical reactions in our
bodies but by speeding up or slowing down existing processes.

It is interesting to note that he makes
no distinction between the neuro-
chemistry of men and of women. De-
spite the differences in our anatomical
designs, our chemical wiring seems to
have the same scheme.

To understand what happens neu-
rochemically when we begin to fall in
love, we must have an idea of how the
nervous system works. When the
brain sendsa signal through the nerv-
ous system, it is carried through the
nerve cells and across the synapses by
chemical substances called neuro-
transmitters, of which medical re-
searchers have discovered more than
30. Two important ones, for our pleas-
urable purposes, are dopamine and
norepinephrine.

To move down the biochemical
chain of command, the neurotrans-
mitters must attach themselves to a set
of receptors on each cell. Each recep-
appears, can receive only one
specific neurotransmitter.

In the late Seventies, scientists dis-
covered that the brain has receptors
for narcotics such as opium and hero-
in, as well as Valium. That led to the
discovery that the body contains natu-
rally occurring narcotics that are
called endorphins or enkephalins, de-
pending on their size. Although it
seems clear that these chemicals are
powerful painkillers and can calm us
down under stress, it is not clear just
how they work. Some scem to func-
tion by stimulating the receptors; oth-
ers, by blocking them.

Curiously one type of psychoactive
drug for which there does not appear
to be a specific receptor is amphet-
amine. Speed, it seems, affects the
nervous (concluded on page 144)

COURTSHIPS WEIRDER
THAN OURS

whenit comes to mating games, we don't have it so bad after all

so YOU TAKE this real zonzy young otter to the Four Cirques by
cab ($5.50). Dinner avec wine ($185.85). Tip the maitre d'
($10), even though he interrupted your most amusing anec-
dote with "Is everything all right, sir?" Cab to Phantom of the
Chorus Line ($6.50), tickets ($100). Cab to some funkadelic
disco in a converted reform synagogue ($7). Cover ($40), tip
(820) for the bouncer so both ear lobes won't have to be ampu-
tated from standing outside in 15-degree cold. Drink charge
inside ($1750). Go to the head (tip $2), come out and a bar-
keep in Lederhosen tells you your date left with Gino, this 19-
year-old bass player whose childhood was all messed up.
Home ($1) by subway. (Total: $395.35.) Drink that quart of
raki your super gave you at Christmas. Sleep, fists balled up,

wishing Mother—the only loyal woman ever— were still alive.

Noon, Sunday. The otter calls and she is furious. Where did
you go last night, huh? If this sweet kid (he was gay and harm-
less and so caring) hadn't seen her home—well, it was time to
peddle the old bod for cab fare. So you apologize and forgive
her. She, of course, hasn't forgiven you, but she may if you get
tickets ringside to that Springsteen thing on Thursday.

You may think, No way can there be any weirder courtship
custom than that. But you'd think wrong. There are many
weirder. Weirder and much, much less expensive.

Capture courtship. This custom, as you might imagine,
has several attractive features. For one, it can cut way down
on rejection. The Kama Suira (concluded on page 162)

HOW TO SLEEP
WITH WOMEN

intimate tips on spending the night

THEY SAY THAT YOU SPEND one third of your life sleeping. And
that big chunk of time probably involves a woman. But are you
sleeping with her properly?

In many ways, visiting the sandman with a partner is more
intimate than sex, miles beyond the simultaneous orgasm, a
zone that takes you light-years past the erogenous, across
time. Let's assume that you've just made love, and now it's ac-
tually time to go to sleep. Is it OK to dose your eyes and drift
off to the land of Nod just because you're happy? Absolutely
not. Like any voyager, you have to prepare for the trip and be
respectful of your bunkmate.

In other words, don't reach over and turn off the Bambi
night light. It's there for your partner's protection. Yes, that's
why you're there, too. But the presence of a night light doesn't
mean that you're an inadequate bodyguard. Women are wor-
rywarts, and as soon as the sun sets, they get the willies.

Just as you forgive your gal's need for a night light, refrain
from saying things such as, "Hey, what's he doing here?" re-
ferring nervously to Teddy, the truly favorite twilight buddy
of your sister in fatigue. This is the Teddy bear she has had
since she was a toddler, another endearing talisman from her

past used to ward off evil. Don’t think of him as a competitive
third wheel, unless your partner insists that Teddy sleep
between you, instead of on the (continued on page 156)

. .. JUST WHO WERE
ABÉLARD AND HELOISE, ANYWAY?

a guide for the romantically illiterate

WHERE HAS LOVE GONE? Once you did straddle crunches and ca-
ble crossovers and pec decks to stay pumped up for her; now
you couldn't break a ten-dollar bill. Your lovemaking together

was laser tag and white-water madness—of late, it has been so
dull, Ted Turner couldn't colorize it. “Whatever became of
Great and Enduring Love? Abélard and Héloise, Tristram
and Isoud, Antony and Cleopatra—those people?”
she asks you. Well, this is whatever.

Abélard and Héloïse. Back around 1100 a.n., before
MTY scholastic philosophy got big media coverage.
Paris groupies followed Pierre Abélard, who could
make dialectic sound better than Sinatra singing My
Way. Then, one day, Abélard met a young girl. This
little cheese puff, Heloise, was niece to Fulbert, a
canon of Notre Dame and the top-ranked gullible
around. "I had such celebrity at that time and pos-
sessed such graces of youth and body" Abélard
wrote in his Historia Calamitatum, “that I feared no
refusal from any woman." Bon Jovi he must have
thought he was. Abélard offered to, um. tutor
Héloise. Fulbert the Purblind was grateful: He gave
Abélard permission to meet with Héloise at any time
of day and to beat her if she didn't pay attention.

Abélard was near 40 and a cleric. Héloise, bright
and lovelier than snow showers, had maybe turned
17. The whole thing was like Brooke Shields's going
to Princeton.

Héloïse got an A for ampleness. And Abélard
"sought her breasts more often than the pages." At
last (they were really pushing it), Fulbert caught
Abélard and Héloise flagranie delicto. Fulbert was
whizzed off something awful. Abélard made an
offer of secret marriage, but Heloise—chicks like
this dont come along (concluded on page 94)

HOW YOU KNOW
YOU'RE IN LOVE

love styles of the rich and famous

DWICHT GOODEN (pitcher, New York Mets): You just know it. lt's
like when I go to the mound with my good stuff. You just
know it's there.

ROSS SHAFER (host of Fox Broadcasting's The Late Show): First,
you find yourself spending way too much time in the Hall-
mark gooshy-card section. Second.
you're daydreaming about the night
before and your trousers sponta-
neously combust

SUSAN DEY (actress): You're real scared.
MICKEY ROONEY (entertainer): After
sixty-seven years of experience, in-
cluding eight marriages, heartbreak,
sorrow and occasional elusive happi-
ness and joy, 1 have found that love
isn't something that should hit you
suddenly: If it hits you suddenly, it will
leave you just as quickly. Real, lasting
love is not like a dandelion that the
wind blows away It’s planted and,
with nurturing, grows into something
beautiful. That's why the secret to a
happy marriage is to marry your best
friend.

AL GOLDSTEIN (publisher): If 1 still
want to see the girl after having mas-
turbated, I know it's love. Otherwise,
it’s just friction and scx. For mc, it’s
usually my dick that’s doing the think-
ing. I've found I can usually just mas-
turbate and then go on to have a
hot-fudge sundae and watch Ted Kop-
pel and be happy.

zsa zsa cABoR (personality): Who
wants to know? What kind of question
is that? If you don't know when you
are in love, darling, youre really in
trouble. When I'm in love, everything
is rosy. I buy the best clothes and the
best jewels. Nothing is too good. And
I buy the most expensive food and
spoil him to death. And if I'm not in
love, I wear the cheapest clothes and
buy the cheapest food and look like
hell.

JERRY SEINFELD (comic): When you see
Love Story, with Alı MacGraw and
Ryan O'Neal, on TV and you find
yourself thinking, You know, this real-
ly isn't that bad a movie,

SONNY BONO (mayor): It’s like when
you start doing everything that's stu-
pid . . . then you're in love. By stupid, I mean walking into
walls, saying the wrong thing, not paying attention to any-
thing else. . . like when a horse puts on real blinders. That's
love.

KIRSTIE ALLEY (actress): You know you're in love when you want
to throw up. Loving someone is very cool; but being in love is
a sickness.

DR. TONI GRANT (radio shrink): The criteria for men and wom-
en are different. Infatuation happens quickly, but so can love.
A woman knows she has found real love when she has a man

shecan admire, appreciate and accept exactly as he is, without
any desire to change him... when she can truly view aman as
her hero

Lont ANDERSON (actress): Everyone knows you're in love when
your knees grow weak as that certain someone walks into the

room, when the bells go off when he holds your hand, when
that incredible fireworks display takes place as youre being
kissed. Yet I think the real test comes later.

ERIC DICKERSON (running back, Indianapolis Colts): If you love
a woman, you may hear someone say something about her go-
ing out with someone else and you get a sick feeling in your
stomach and hope it's not true. If you love a woman, you think
about her day and night. Even on the field, when I'm practic-
ing, she comes across my mind and it brings a smile to my
face and makes me want to do (concluded on page 156)

THE WISDOM OF THE GROIN

theres a cock-sure kind of intelligence
that thrives below the belt

essay By HARRY CREWS

“AND YOU WERE NAKED in the middle of the night on the god-
damn roof?" I said.

"As the day I was born,” he said, shaking his head in gen-
uine disbelief and bewilderment as he stared down into his
whiskey glass.

“I do believe you gon’ have to run that by me again, old son.
I think I missed a transition in there somewhere.”

We were sitting at his kitchen table, waiting for his wife to
come home from a Tupperware party. He poured us another
dollop of bourbon and said, “There is nothing so ignominious
on the face of God's earth as man in pursuit of pussy”

T took off half the glass he'd poured and said, “Well, hell,”
which was a kind of noncommittal agreement with what he'd
said and a general lament of the fact that any man who had
reached the age of puberty would instantly recognize that
what he had said was true. A truth as universal, consistent and
inarguable as the law of gravity.

“Naked and spread-eagled on the goddamn roof?” I said.

“In a misting rain, too,” he said, knocking back the last of
the whiskey he'd poured and refilling the glass. “And sur-
rounded by what looked to be ever’ goddamn cop car in town.
But no sireens. Didn't turn on one goddamn sireen coming or
going.” He sighed. "One sireen would've woke the wife dead-

always something to be thankful for in any
given situation,” I s

He said, “And the thing was, my dick was still hard.”

“Your dick still hard, you say?” I

“Son,” he said, “you coulda broke a brick with my dick. Nev-
er been harder. One of God's own mysteries." He swirled the
whiskey in his glass and thought about it. “A mystery right up
there with the mystery of pussy its very own self."

Despite having recently received his Ph.D. and accepting.
his first teaching position in the English department at a great
Southern university, he still habitually dropped into the ca-
dences and speech patterns of Mississippi, which is where he
was born and raised. Especially does his voice turn to grits
when he is doing battle with the bottle while at the same time
wrestling with complex philosophical issues like pussy.

He went on to teach for some ten years in the South but has
come now to be a distinguished professor of literature at a fa-
mous Yankee institution of higher learning, because over the
years, he has become an internationally known exegete of
many learned subjects. But I bet pussy ain't one of them. Not
entirely, anyway. He probably understands about as much as I
do; that is, something just above high-grade imbecility.

T know for a fact that having grown steadily in scholarly
reputation, as well as long in the tooth and thin in the shank,
he still makes an occasional crawl across a rooftop in the mid-
dle of the night to the bed of a young graduate student, where
she, wet to the knees with anticipation, awaits his entrance
through the window instead of the front door, which sanity
would seem to indicate he would prefer using, But what the
fuck has sanity got to do with fucking? When the groin calls, it
calls in a language understood only by the gods—and a curso-
ry reading of mythology makes even that open to question—
but certainly, the language of the groin has never been
completely understood by a single swinging dick over the long
course of human history.

While he steadily watched his whiskey, bemused by the mys-
tery before us, I patiently waited for him to retell the story in
which I expected to find the transition that I had missed, and,
once found, it would make sense out of a grown man with a
Ph.D.'s being naked in the middle of the night on a roof with
a hard-on. When he did retell the story, it did make sense of a
certain sort.

The sense of the groin

“See,” he said, “what 1 do is go across the roof to Martha's
little apartment. She's a graduate student of mine and nasty
enough to make you think you've died and gone to heaven.”

“That fine, you say?” I said.

“Sacredly and righteously nasty, and you know I don't say
that about many. Not many a man can say that about, unfortu-
nately.”

“My experience exactly,” I said.

“Anyway, hell, you can see how this place is put together.
Once a mighty fine old home but then cut up like it is in apart-
ments for starving students and assistant professors, and then
all these L-wings jammed onto it any which way, so that if a
man was to go out that window back in there in the bedroom,
he could cut over the roof to the wing that runs yonder toward
the street. And, as I said, I did it at night, and since I don't
sleep in pajamas—dont sleep in a damn thing, never have—I
was out there naked as the day I was born. But you can see
from the lay of thc roof how it can bc donc."

I understood how a man could do what he had donc. Hell, I
understood that the first time. What I was having trouble with
was why a man would do what he had done.

"The graduate student whose lilies he had been feeding in—
apparently more or less nightly—lived diagonally across the
roof from the apartment he and his wife shared. And what he
had been doing was waiting for his wife to fall asleep and then
going out the window and across the roof. And he went
naked.

“I couldn't very well start sleeping in pajamas when I never
had before, and I didn't want to try to slip on nothing because
of the noise and all, you understand. Then, one night, luck
was agin me and I guess somebody heard me on the roof and
called the law on me, you know, thought it was a burglar or
some such thing. And it must have been a slow night down at
the police station, because I think ever' goddamn cop in town
showed up."

“Damn, Buck," I said, “couldn't you have popped in for
lunch or the middle of the morning or otherwise figgered out
something a little more convenient than the roof and night
and naked?"

"Of course I could. And did. But mostly, my path to her bed
lay over the roof. Either you understand the rightness of that
or you don't. It cain't be explained."

Sitting at that table with my friend 25 ycars ago, I knew I
did understand, and I also knew that I could not have talked
about what | understood—make any sense of any sort out of
it—under threat of death.

But 1 think I can now. By temperament, 1 am predisposed
to reflect upon such things as the experience of the roof,
the night, the window and the naked hard-on. And it
occurs to me right now that (concluded on page 158)

HEAT

OF THE

MOMENT

PHOTOGRAPHY BY
KEN NAHOUM

CLASSIC HOT LOOKS
THAT TURN THE
LADIES ON

fashion by
HOLLIS WAYNE

HE SIZZLING LOOK Of a man in

sexy dothing is the fuel

that feeds the fire of a
woman's libido. And that ef-
fect is compounded when
the styles he has slipped into
are pleasing to the touch. The
tactile pleasure of a cashmere
sweater definitely is a head—
and hand—turner, as is the
sexy bad-boy look of an ox-
ford-cloth buttondown shirt
worn with the collar opened
and the necktie loosened.
Elegant formalwear also is
seductive, especially a black-
as-night dinner jacket and
trousers combined with a
crisp white wing-collared
evening shirt. But, of course,
the alltime favorite female
bait is a pair of snug-fiting
jeans stretched across a trim

male tush. Get it on, guys.

Left: Ride ‘em, cowgirl! Her
guy has pulled on a pair
of lizard-tipped — broken-in
leather cowboy boots, from
Mark Fox, Los Angeles, about
$295. Right: The classic soft
touch—a cable-design cash-
mere sweater, by Malo Cash-
mere, $650; worn with wool
pants, by Cordovan & Grey,
Ltd., $115. (His partner's blouse
is hy Giorgio di Sant'Angelo.)

WOMEN'S STYLING BY
ARIANNE PHILLIPS FOR
CREATIVE WORKFORCE

Left: The pause that re-
freshes. His choice of
turn-on clothes includes
a striped oxford-cloth
shirt, about $53, a red-
striped tie with woven
flag motif, about $45,
both from Polo by
Ralph Lauren; and dou-
ble-pleated khaki cot-
ton-twill trousers, by
Cordovan & Grey, ltd,
about $65. Near right,
above: This formal af-
fair features a double-
breasted worsted-wool
tuxedo, from Perry Ellis
for the Greif Companies,
$475; worn over a diago-
nal-pleated bib-front tux
shirt, $56, and a silk
bow tie, $15.50, both by
After Six Accessories;
plus a gold-and-onyx
cuff-links and stud set,
by Alfred Dunhill, $330.
(The fady’s dress is by
Tahari.) Near right, be-
low: Mondo Brando! A
L by Clai-
borne Furnishings, $10;
worn with classic stone-
washed button-fly 501
jeans, by Levi Strauss,
about $32; and a hand-
tooled floral-design helt,
by Al Beres, about
$165. Far right: A close
encounter of the best
kind, and he has on
only viscose lounge
pants with a drawstring
waist, by Reporter, $125.

cotton T-shii

PLAYBOY

ABÉLARD AND HELOISE (continued from page 86)

"Cleopatra was a kind of supine patriot. Egypt had
no defense. Her body was its entire armed force.”

often—said, no, she didn't want Abe to
lliant career. She'd rather
be his concubine, thank you. The
Catholic Church didn't mind if a priest
got off now and again, but marriage
didn't fit its image. Héloise, however, was
preggered by this time. Abelard—afraid
that Fulbert would crack her engine
block for spite—sneaked her off to his
sister in Brittany There she brought
forth a son, Astrolabe, which sounds like
some kind of California theme park.

In üme, Héloise came round. Agree-
ment was made with old Fulbert, and the
pair wed secretly. Héloise went off to a
convent. Abélard visited when he could,
once giving her deep absolution in the re-
fectory But it ate at Fulbert: What balm
was a secret marriage to his public dis-
honor? So he hired some creepy types
and— Let Abélard tell you; my pencil
lead is so scared, it won't come out. "One
night, as I lay sleeping in my chamber, one
of my servants, corrupted by gold, deliv-
ered me to their vengeance . . . they cut
off those parts of my body with which 1
had committed the offense wey de-
plored." Not what you'd call elective
surgery. Paris was stupefied. Two of the
men got caught. They were parted from
their parts and had their sight put out.
Fulbert lost all his worldly pelf, which
isn't the same thing. As for Abélard and
Héloise—she went back to a convent and
didn't see her love for ten years. By then,
Abélard had become abbot at St. Gildas-
de-Ruis and could help her order. They
met in the convent garden. It must have
been a poignant moment. She spoke first.
with her sweet, bright voice. And he
talked back in a gentle, loving, if rather
high-pitched, whisper.

Tristram or Tristan or Tristam and Isoud
or Isolde or Iseult or Isolt. There are, good
sooth, at least 11 versions of this legend,
each about as dull as a barium cocktail.
In one—Le Morte d'Arthur, by Sir
Thomas Malory—paranoid King Mark
asked Tristram to fight Sir Marhaus for
him. Tristram hit Marhaus "such a buffet.
that it went through his helm . . . and
through the brainpan and the sword
stuck so fast . . . Sir Tristram pulled
thrice at his sword or cver he might pull
it out from his head." That
was Lawrence Taylor and hot with wom-
en, for how else could he part someone's
hair right down to the neck? But Tris-
tram got dinged up, also. Since this was

before Arthurscopic surgery, King An-
guish set daughter Isoud to healing him.
Tristram, as a Freudian could have told
you he would, fell for his nurse.

Anyhow, when he got home, bigmouth
Tristram told King Mark about his major
medical experience. Mark, piqued at
groin level, sent Tris right back to woo La
Beale Isoud for him. That was the chival-
ric era: Knights were pure and honor-
able and didn't even have a shop steward
to whom they could complain. Worse yet,
on shipboard, Tristram and Isoud drank
à potion—which they thought was just a
nice glass of schnapps—and came down
with eternal love for each other. Mark
and Isoud wed. But, in time, some lago-
type gossip poisoned Mark's ear about
Tristram and Isoud. Royally put out,
Mark sent Tristram to the stake and
Isoud to a leper camp, which is kind of
unsporting, when you think it over. But
‘Tristram beat that rap. He and La Beale
hid in a forest until, after much adven-
ture and emptying of brainpans, Mark
found them asleep together. They were
clothed. Between them, though, was a
nude sword. This was history's first
bundling board.

Mark, large-souled, as usual, took
Isoud in again. Poor Tristram went back
to the joust-and-dragon circuit. In a for-
eign land, he wed another Isoud or
Isolde or Iseult or Isolt, this one yclept
Isoud La Blanche Mains. He never made
it with Isoud number two, though—be-
ing still hung over from the magic
schnapps. Time lurched on. Tristram got
hit amidships by a poisoned arrow. He
sent for Isoud number one, who alone
could heal him. The deal was this: Her
ship would carry a white sail if she were
aboard; black if not. Isoud number two,
grudging Isoud number one all those
marital orgasms lost, told Tristram her
sail was black. Tristram hit the planet,
sayonara and out. On landing, Isoud
number one did likewise. But, ah, love
would generate a miracle yet. From their
joint graves, two trees sprang up and en-
twined. That and $1.50 will buy you a
clammy pretzel on Fifth Avenue.

Antony and Cleopatra, or The Crack
That Almost Swallowed Up Rome. Her
voice, said Plutarch, “was like an instru-
ment of many strings. Plato admits of
four kinds of flattery, but she had 1000."
Looking at coin portraits, you see a pre-
MasterCard Jewish-American princess.

But back then, women often blacked out
their teeth, so who are we to judge?
Speaking charitably, Cleopatra was a
kind of supine patriot. Egypt had no de-
fense against Rome. Her body was its en-
tire armed force. When she took up with
Marcus Antonius, she had already flung
herself at Julius Caesar, who, it is said,
had given her one son, Caesarion, and a
villa near Rome. He also installed her
and her husband firmly on their Egyp-
tian throne. Her husband was her broth-
er—Ptolemy XIN—in the economical, if
incestuous, Egyptian custom that, what-
ever else, meant you didn't have to invite
in-laws to your wedding reception.

But Julius got rubbed out—which left
Mark Antony and Octavian (a.k.a, Au-
gustus Caesar) in charge of the world.
Again, Cleopatra had to find a very sig-
nificant other for herself and Egypt. She
was 29 then and capable, one would
guess, of arousing cadavers. Antony went
to Tarsus. Cleopatra sailed over there
with her Donald Trump-sized barge and
put a binder on his soul. Soon they would
form the fellowship of “inimitable
ers"—who were to debauchery what
Zamboni is to ice. In 40 Bc, M.A. went
back home and, under pressure, made a
dynastic marriage with Octavia, Octavi-
ans sister. On his return to Egypt, he also
married Cleopatra. That, aside from be-
ing bigamous, set all Rome against him.
But Antony didn’t care. Going by Shake-
spears Antony and Cleopatra, you'd
think their relationship lasted about two
and a half hours with intermission. In
fact, Antony and Cleopatra were togeth-
er for more than a full decade and had
three children. Any woman who can look
that appealing with four sets of stretch
marks must be a sexual cluster bomb.

Octavian had it out with his delinquent
brother-in-law at Actium. As we all know,
just when it meant most, Cleopatra got
henhearted and took her fleet out of bat-
ude. Thus, Antony lost the world. He
didn't speak with her for three days.
Cleopatra thought, so it wouldnt be a to-
tal loss, that if Antony could be induced
to off himself for love of her (if not out of
sheer exasperation), they might still win
eternal renown. Cleopatra hid in her
mausoleum and sent him a message say-
ing she was defunct. Antony fell on his
sword. (Romans did that a lot: They
weren't very well coordinated.) Mean-
while, what the hell, Cleopatra made a
pass at Octavian. He, however, was about
as highly sexed as a floor lamp. Cleop:
saw that he would lead her captive
through Rome, so she took two asps and
went to bed. But she was right about ctcr-
nal renown: Antony and Cleopatra, more
than two millennia after their love end-
ed, are still a decent brand of cigar.

— D. KEITH MANO
El

1 r
I Am
4 — =

ALL GREAT
SEDUCERS ARE
ENTERTAINERS,
RILEY. YOU'VE
GOT TO
WORK AT IT

ILLUSTRATION BY DENNIS NUKAI

CASANOVA’S

nmt]

Me Riley Grimes
fiction By ASA BABER fth uawin
his editor the first time he met her. She was shapely, energetic, sweet-
smelling, and her red hair and clean features were straight out of a
Botticelli painting.

Her name was Vanessa During. Riley knew that he loved her body
and in time would probably even love her mind ard that he wanted to
sleep with her immediately, if not sooner. He also knew that she
seemed too tough and independent to be interested in romance.
Wasn't that the way it usually was these days? Most of the women Riley
knew were too busy for dalliance. “Not this year, I have a career” was
the universal female slogan.

“You write a good query letter,” Vanessa said. She was reading Ri-
ley's article proposal with a tight smile. He had submitted the idea that
he write a profile of a big-time commodities broker for Chicago Busi-
ness Magazine. "Ever think of teaching a course to free-lance writers
on how to submit queries? You'd be good at it.” Vanessa smiled again.
Her face had a flawed brightness to it, a wholesome beauty that was
clouded by tension.

“Not a lot of liquidity in that market.” Riley smiled as he stretched
his arms. “Most writers would take the course and never pay me. Writ-
ers are always broke.”

"Thats good,” Casanova interrupted. “There's no seduction
without laughter. Keep it light. Shell (continued on page 152)

A jj
Y y

THE MORE things change in
the Eden dan, the more
they stay pretty much the
same—as pretty as Ameri-
can beauty gets. Almost 29
years ago, Americas girl
next door was Miss Decem-
ber 1960, Carol Eden. To
find this month's exemplar
of that famous girlnext-
door look, we didn’t even

have to go next door. We

stayed home. Daughter Si-
mone Eden, you see, grew
up. This month, we proudly
present the first second-gen-
eration Playmate ever. "I
couldn't be more proud,"
says Carol

“I couldn't be more excit-
ed,” says Simone. "I've want-
ed to follow in my mom's
footsteps since I first saw her

picture in the magazine,

EDEN REVISITED

miss february has great gatefold genes

Simone Eden and her mother, Miss December 1960, Carol Eden, now share a footnote in beauty's history. Above
left is Mom's 1961 Playmate Review photo. Above center, her December 1960 gatefold. Above right and on the
facing page, Simone shows off the fruits of her lineage. At the top of the page, mother and daughter share a smile.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

when I was ten. Now, at last, it has happened." Born Simone Howe, Miss February switches surnames this
month. Henceforth, she'll be Simone Eden, in honor of her mother. Not that mom and daughter agreed
on everything. “Asa kid, I could be a little wild," she says. "Mom was always working—she was a model,
then a nurse—and 1 rebelled. I grew up fast, mostly on my own. I always told her I was going to be a
Playmate, like she was. She didn't quite believe me. Now that I am a Playmate, we're closer than ever."

Simone'smother, now a licensed vocational nurse who cares for the elderly in San Clemente, California,

agrees. "It has brought back a lot of memories," she says of sharing a history-making moment with her

101

“| love lace, perfume, soft colors, feminine things,” says Simone. “But
I'm a Gemini, the twin. | also love leather corsets, spike heels, water
beds and long, slippery baby-oil massages. That's me—nasty but nice”

daughter. "I remember some of the fan mail 1 got when I was a Playmate, and
the thrill of being recognized on the street. ['m sure Simone will enjoy that.
And I think shell be a wonderful representative of Playboy. Shes sweet and

kind and so enthusiastic. Simone is a natural.”

All-natural California girl Simone Eden surfs, skis and works out to uphold
her spectacular figure—and the family name, “I love looking good," she says.

"I'm shy by nature, but sometimes I don't mind showing off.” When the subject 103

is men, she is not at all shy. “I don't like machismo, but I don't like guys who need instructions, either. I like daring men.”
In olden days—when Simone's mom appeared on our centerfold—a glimpse of breast was looked on by some as cause
for arrest. Things change. “Mom and I—we're the first mother-daughter Playmates ever, and thats special" The Edens

prove that while some things change, other things—like the beauty of the girl next door—are American perennials.

104

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

ee Py a

bust: O78 WAIST: 24 HIPS: oan

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mem MA

TURN-OFFS:

= fic
HEROINE:

LK UU AIUD LID LA: La)

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

Willard had heard so much about ice fishing
that he decided to give it a try. He got all his gear
together, went out onto the ice and started to drill
a hole. Suddenly, a deep, resonant voice from
above said, “There are no fish there.”

Willard shrugged, picked up his equipment,
moved another 50 fect out onto the ice and began
to drill. Again, a big voice boomed, “There are
no fish there.

Willard looked up and asked, "Are vou God?”

“No, asshole. l'm the arena manager."

[eta viov JA

As the French and American diplomats walked
to lunch, they were stopped by a social scientist
conducting a study on sexual mores. The two
men agreed to answer a threc-part question.

ay you are alone in a hotel room,” the re-
searcher began. “There is a knock on the door

You open it and a beautiful naked girl is standing
there. Where would you kiss her?
“On the cheek.” the American answered

“Next, she steps into the room and closes the
door. Where would you kiss herz

‘On the mouth,” the American said.

“Now she pushes you onto the bed and leaps on
top of you. Where would you kiss he

“Hmmm,” the American pondered. “Jacques,
where would you kiss he

The Frenchman shrugged. “Don't ask me.
ami. | would have been wrong ze first two t

p
es.

How many college football plavers does it take to
screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he gets three
credits for it

A New Yorker went to see his doctor for a check-
up. The docte ed him and took some
blood

As the pat tting dressed, the doctor
told him, "The physical exam went well. As far as
I can tell, you're finc. As for the blood tests, go
out to the beach. The results should show up m
about a week.”

A cemetery grounds keeper was going about his
rounds when he saw a man lying on a grave, sob-
bing loudly and pounding his hsts on the
1. "Why did you have to die? Oh, why?
he lamented,
A loved one's passing
grounds keeper offered
someday, the pain will pass.”

Loved one?” the weeping man said, looking
up. ^L didn't even now ie guy

Phen why all the tears?”

"He was my wife's first husband!"

a terrible loss," the
1 consolatic "but

As the president of the women’s guild desperate-
ly leafed through her Rolodex lor a guest speaker
to replace a last-minute cancellation, her door
bell rang. Two men oflered to do work around
the house in return for a meal, She agreed 10
provide them with dinner if they chopped the
wood in back of the house.

Ten minutes later, she glanced out the window
to see one of the men whirl across the law
forming a succession of double [lips and one-
handed cartwheels before disappearing into
some bushes.

Rushing out, she grabbed the second man and
gushed, “That was amazing! Would your friend
be willing to do that again at the en's guild
this afternoon for twenty dollar

“Charley.” the man called, "lady here wants 10
know if you would chop off another finger for
twenty bucks.”

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto
the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw
lying on the ground groaning in pain
torney,” the wincing man said,
this is going to cost you $5000.

n sorry, Em really sorry,” the concerned fel-
eplied. "But I did yell Fore"

fou got yourself a deal

and

Perhaps youve heard of the new social-action
group DAM— Mothers Against Dyslexia.

An America
Israeli w "Excuse me, but wl
opinion of the food shortage
The American answered,
hortage
The Ethiopian replied,
"ood;

The Russian said,

a Russian and an

s your

1 don't understand

dont understand

"I don't unde

The Israeli thought for a moment
responded, “I dont understand “excuse me.

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a posi-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy,
Playboy Bldg, 919 N. Michigan Aw., Chicago,
Il. 60611. $100. will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

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“But then I think about how rich you are, and then
everything all right again.”

Tu te Io, A

THINKING

MA INL SS

GUIDE

LOSING

YOUR

HEAD

HOW TO KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU
WHEN A WOMAN'S ON YOUR MIND

article By Denis Boyles

FRES THE SCENE: A normal guy gets up,
puts on his suit and leaves for work. He's a brown-shoe guy, average in every way regu-
larasa traffic light. Up ahead is the office. He picks lint off his tie, glances at his beau-
tiful secretary standing in the office window and starts across the street.

But the cover is off the manhole. Everyone can see it. People stop to watch the disas-
ter. It’s like a cheat sheet for a Greek tragedy in which everyone except the hero knows
something's wrong. Sure enough, his chin still up, the guy hits the hole mid-stride,
and it seems that in a nanosecond, he's going to be up to his neck in shit.

But in a flash, he’s popping his head up through the manhole opening, fresh as a
daisy. Hey, you say, how did he do that? Well, its a gimmick shot in a movie of the
mundane, and the hero is just a normal stunt man, a guy with a great talent for falling
and never, ever getting hurt.

Now, don't you wish you could pull off that stunt? Don't you think that in the film
story of your life, you could do with something more than trick photography (ah, how
your eyes deceive you) and a rich assortment of supporting characters? Dont you
think you may be able to use a little industrial-strength stuntwork now and then?

But, see, we're not really talking about guys’ falling into (continued on page 145)

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVIO WILCOX

114

Hus

COOKING WITH
YOU, KID

food and drink By HERBERT BAILEY LIVESEY

AST NIGHT approached perfection. Dinner at your

discovery bistro had all the theatrical élan

promised. The car wasn't towed. Cognac was

sipped by starlight. And all that was a prelude to
the main event, which was a bell ringer.

But now, a ray of sunlight shoots between the cur-
tains and the person next to you is stirring from sleep.
A choice must be made. Coffee and a hurried kiss good-
bye? Or a voluptuous lingering, a time to savor the
mood of the night before? The

second option requires aliulead- a host of morning-after

vance planning. Provisions must
be laid in, especially if your usual
breakfast is a bowl of dried guava
and twigs. The menu should
have a touch of style. Most of all,
its preparation should bea mutu-
al effort, not only to get your-

selves around some food fast but

share-the- chores
breakfast menus.

who says guys have

to extend the sharing, the warm and fuzzy. That means
familiar ingredients assembled in provocative combi-
nations that don't require the skills of a chef de cuisine.
All the recipes that follow can be on the table within 30
minutes of first padding into the kitchen, and all lend
themselves to division of labor, cutting cooking time
even further.

In the instructions that follow, the key word, mean-
while, signals tasksthat can be undertaken by your part-
ner. To further reduce potential
drudgery, place champagne, spir-
its and squeezable fruits in the
refrigerator before your night
out. That's the time to ensure
that all necessary ingredients are
on hand, with extras to hedge
against goofs.

And while you're at it, some

trouble with intimacy?

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

other thoughtful touches are in

e a a y T 1 |
NL

Wig

PLAYBOY

116

order. Hang a laundered robe on the
closet door and place fresh toiletries by
the sink. Extra points are given for neat-
ness; and rewards follow.

BREAKFAST TENDERLOINS

Steaks make a smashing brunch en-
tree, and there is no better beef than filet
mignon, the best of the tenderloin. Sever-
al fried eggs and broiled tomatoes sprin-
kled with Parmesan cheese may be
added for heartiness.

9 6-oz. filets mignons

Salt and pepper to taste

5 tablespoons butter

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

3 drops Tabasco sauce

1 teaspoon minced parsley

Remove any border fat from steaks.
Sprinkle them liberally with salt and
pepper on all sides. In skillet, melt 1 ta-
blespoon butter with oil over high heat.
Add steaks. Sear for 3-4 minutes on one
side. Holding steaks between two forks or
large spoons, sear all edges. Reduce heat
to medium high, then cook other side.
Total cooking time should be about 8
minutes for medium rarc.

Meanwhile, melt remaining butter in
small saucepan. Add lemon juice,
Worcestershire, Tabasco and parsley.
Stir. When steaks are done, put them on
warmed plates and pour sauce over.

OPEN-FACED OMELETS

Omelets are always a treat, but it takes
practice to master the turning technique
Left open, with the fillings mounded i
full view, they are more appealing to the
eye and far easier to execute. The two
variations below are designed for an 8-
inch skillet. If only a 10- or 12-inch skillet
is available, double the ingredients. In
either case, a pan with a nonstick surface
is essential. Each recipe is intended for
one person, so make one for her and the
other for you. That leads to cross-tasting,
a chummy exercise.

OMELET ONE

1 small onion

4 ozs. Monterey Jack cheese

2 eggs

J tablespoon half-and-half or cream

2 slices bacon

% cup walnut halves

1 tablespoon butter

Salt to taste

Sour cream

Parsley for garnish

Peel and dice onion. Dice cheese.
Mince parsley. Set aside. (This can be
done the day before.) Break eggs into
mixing bowl Add half-and-half or
cream. Whisk until smooth. Set aside.

Meanwhile, fry bacon over medium-
high heat until crisp. Remove to paper
towels to drain. Retain bacon fat in skil-

let. Add onion and cook, stirring, until
soft. Remove with slotted spoon and
place in bowl. Add walnuts to skillet and
cook, stirring, for 2 minutes. Remove
with slotted spoon to another small bowl.

Wipe out skillet with paper towels.
Add butter and melt over medium-high
heat until foaming; swirl around to coat
bottom. Beat eggs lightly once more and
pour evenly into skillet. Add onion and
cheese and swirl into eggs. Add salt to
taste.

When eggs start to set, sprinkle walnut
pieces over all. Don't stir. Cook another
minute or two, until edges start to puff
up. Slide omelet onto plate. Break bacon
into pieces and scatter over omelet. Re-
peat with parsley. Put large dollop of sour
cream in middle. Eat right away.

OMELET TWO

Ya new potato

9 ozs. salami or pepperoni

1 small onion

I small tomato

2 eggs

1 tablespoon half-and-half or cream

2 tablespoons butter

Salt to taste

Shredded fresh basil for garnish

Peel and dice potato. Slice salami or
pepperoni into thin rounds. Peel and
chop onion. Seed and dice tomato. Set
aside in separate cups or bowls.

Meanwhile, break eggs into mixing
bowl. Add half-and-half or cream. Whisk
until smooth. Set aside.

Put | tablespoon butter in skillet. Melt
over medium-high heat until foaming.
Add potatoes and fry, stirring, for 5 min-
utes. Add salami or pepperoni and onion
and cook 5 more minutes or until pota-
toes are nicely browned. With slotted
spoon, remove ingredients to bowl and
cover to keep warm,

Wipe out skillet with paper towels.
Add remaining tablespoon butter and
melt over medium heat. Stir eggs and
pour evenly into skillet. Add potatoes,
meat and onion. Stir eggs to cover other
ingredients. Add salt to taste. Cook until
eggs start to puff around edges of skillet.

Slide omelet onto plate. Scatter diced
tomato over it and sprinkle with basil.
Serve.

FLAMED BANANAS

Breakfast at Brennans, a landmark
New Orleans eatery, is such an institution
that people forget that it serves other
meals. One of its most popular desserts is
Bananas Foster. This is a simplified ver-
Sion, appropriately showy to climax a
memorable brunch à deux.

Ya cup cognac

2 bananas

Ye stick unsalted butter

3 tablespoons lemon juice

Ya cup sugar

Pour cognac into cup and set aside.

Peel bananas, cut off fibrous ends and
slice in half lengthwise, then crosswise.

Cut butter into chunks and melt in ski
let. When butter foams, place bananas in
skillet, flat side down. Sprinkle lemon
juice and sugar over them. Spoon result-
ing sauce over bananas and turn them
two or three times until browned. Then
put them on plates.

Slightly warm cognac, then pour into
skillet and touch match to it. Shake skillet
gently until flame goes out and sauce
starts to caramelize. Serve bananas with
sauce poured over them.

KIR ROYALES

The French aperitif called kir blends
créme de cassis with dry vermouth or
white wine. With champagne, it becomes
truly regal.

1 oz. creme de cassis

6 ozs. champagne.

Put bottles of créme de cassis and
champagne in refrigerator at least
1 hour before serving. Pour % oz. cassis
into each of 2 fluted champagne glasses,
then add 3 ozs. champagne to each.

BLOODY MARIAS

A bloody mary made with tequila in-
stead of vodka. The small amount of lime
juice required takes very little time to
squeeze and the result is better than with
bottled juice.

3 ozs. tequila

6 ozs. V-8 juice

I oz. fresh-squeezed lime juice

2 dashes Tabasco sauce

2 dashes celery salt

2 teaspoons catsup

2 lime slices

Pour tequila, juices, Tabasco, celery salt
and catsup into shaker filled with ice.
Shake well. Strain into 2 glasses. Add
fresh ice and garnish with lime slices.

MIMOSAS

Vitamin C in an even more palatable
form.

6 ozs. orange juice

10 ozs. champagne

Chill juice and champagne separately
for at least | hour. Divide juice between
2 large stemmed wineglasses. Add 5 ozs.
champagne to each. Stir.

No matter what the morning-after
breakfast consists of, a canny host will al-
so have plenty of breads and spreads on
hand. Fresh-baked biscuits or blueberry
muffins can be stored in the fridge
overnight, wrapped in foil in the morn-
ing and resuscitated by a few minutes in
an oven preheated at 200 degrees.

A morning such as this can lead to an-
other perfect night. Who says guys don't
like to cook?

“It was a great affair. I bronzed his briefs."

118

ARTICLE By D. KEITH MANO

THINK, Hey, that can't just be mist rising
over the Pocono Mountains this AM. Uh-
uh. That is a sexual greenhouse effect, T
bet: the steamy residue, the hot-air slag
from 5000 passionate groin encounters
last night. There is a sheet-lightning flash.
And I say to Moompsie, my wife, "See?
"The atmosphere itself

ALL HAIL THE just discharged static
build-up from what

POCONOS, must be a higher con-
THE ULTIMATE centration of orgasms

per capita than any-

HAVEN where else in Amer-
ica" You've heard
FOR THAT about hitting your sex-

FIRST NIGHT ual peak? It’s in north-

eastern Pennsylvania.
That green, that fertileness is caused by en-
riching, hymeneal virgin blood.

Each year, more than 200,000 people hon-
eymoon between East Stroudsburg and
Equinunk, Pennsylvania. As the Pocono
Mountain Vacations Bureau will tell you—of-
ten—ten main resorts gross more than
3$100,000,000 per annum. Solid, predictable
commerce: After all, at any moment, one per-
cent of our national population is being led to
an altar somewhere. There are more than
1550 resort beds—heart-shaped, round,
king-sized, canopied. Each is grinding out
bridal jelly day after day. And, incredible as it
may sound, the Kinsey Institute for Research in
Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana Uni-
versity has reported (continued on page 124)

HONEYMOON

HOTELS

ILLUSTRATION EY KNUKO Y. CRAFT

a (A
CYA

GRAND!

a brief visit with monica,

a brazilian bombshell

His cruel world of ours

sometimes brings us up

against the big issues in

life, such as: Who is

that incredible woman,
and how do I get to meet
her? In this case, all we can
do is offer a few clues; the
rest is up to you. First, the
ladys name: Monica Andrea
Silvia Do Santos. A carioca,
or native of that wondrous
city Rio de Janeiro. She's a
student and something of a
linguist, speaking English,
German and Portuguese.
She also admits to being su-
perstitious, especially when
it comes to macumba, a kind
of voodoo magic that comes
in two varieties—black and
white. Monica is a habitué of
the hot Rio clubs Help and
Jazz Mania, where, by all ac-
counts, she is a lovely mover.
Many people have been
deeply moved by watching
her. There have also been
sightings on the beach at
Copacabana. Thats about
it, Monica-wise. Maybe the
next step is to think about

flying down to Rio. Adm
it makes perfect sense, espe-
cially at this time of year.
Rio has the sun, the music,

the sea, Carnival, Monica. . . .

The many moods of
Monica: At left, without
the Brazilian flag; right,
with. It's a grand old flag.

a
w
=
LL
ea
rc
O

122

PHOTOGRAPHY BY HERBERT HESSELMANN

Look at that smile. Check out those
eyes. Pay close heed to the astounding
beadwork. And those outrageous feathers.
Is this great craftspersonship or what?

PLAYBOY

HONEYMOON HOTELS (continued from page 118)

"Romancing seven feet up in our whirlpool made us
feel like, ah, like two roaches in a flush toilet."

that 50 percent of newlywed folk have not
slept together before marriage.

It is a tender time. A time of love and
commitment and pet names for his big
cherry picker. Of shyness and sweet new
sensation and rice found in her moist bud
vase. Of, yes, awkwardness, ignorance
and mucho macho pressure. A might
that'll take the crease from anyone's per-
formance underwear. Not to mention
occasional danger. Let me tell you
Moompsic and Pumpsies favorite Pocono
Mountains wedding-night tale. This is
certified true.

Couple comes down to breakfast after
their sexual Kickoff Classic at Paradise
Stream. They look like funerary sculp-
ture. He doesn't speak. She won't pass the
apple butter. There is serious grudge-
work going on. So one lady social direc-
tor draws the bride out.

What happened was. . . . See, at the
best Pocono resorts, you can have a swim-
ming pool right in your very room. Be-
side the bed. He and she, as one might
guess, were making love there. Picture
this: She is Roating out supinc— hands
behind head to support her upper-body
weight on thc pool ladder. He is rum-
maging away down below. All of a once,
he gets so passionate, so banzai berserk
that he yanks her off the ladder—yoik!
She has gone under, head and torso—
and he doesnt stop. This woman is not
waving but drowning, and her groom
wont lay off the piston pleasure. He
thinks those wild fingers are thrashing
through the chlorine because she has
caught a monster orgasm. In fact, she is
about to inhale half their heart-shaped
pool. Aaargh. Was it good for you, too,
dear?

Dear?

Glub.

You can imagine how a bride might
react, confronted by such murderous
urgency The case is pretty extreme,
of course. Nonetheless, it serves as an
emblem. Male sexual appetence, mo-
notonous and warlike, can be enough
to make any unprepared young wife ma-
jor in menstruation for life. Pocono-re-
sort people know that. They set out to
mitigate and feminize sexuality. This is
managed in three ways: (1) They distract
the clientele from sex; (2) they refurbish
sex, making it plush, irresistible and un-
threatening; (3) they laugh at it a
whole lot.

1. Distracting his or her libido. The
Pocono Mountains resort ambience may

recall the ambience of Camp Taka-Wee-
Wee—back when Mom was telling me
that children came from a giant dust ball
under her bed. At that magic moment of
husband-wife consummation, the Pocono
resort will return you to safe pre-
pubescence—games, social activity and
organization. Not that this is ever en-
forced. You can hang out a bo NOT pis-
TURB, WE ARE STILL IN BED sign and play
two-man petting zoo all day. But Pocono
games are so attractive (and part of your
expensive prepaid package) that even the
raunchiest groom will want to shoot bas-
kets and pool as well as beaver.

Remember, also, that newlywed kids
have often never been alone before. Even
if you warm her scallops every hour on
the hour, there will still be time to kill.
Boredom can override love: It is seditious
and scary. She stares at him while think-
ing, Why doesn't this interloper leave so I
can call my mother? Or, on his part, If
only she'd take a nap and let me watch
The N.FL. Today. These "pups," as they
are referred to, often don't have great
conversational grist or imagination.
They need structure, The Pocono resort
provides lush intimacy—mixed with as
little familiarity as possible.

For a similar reason, all meals are tak-
en in common. Eating with your spouse
may be too much like, um, marriage.
The social and occupational diversity is
provocative of talk. We shared one four-
couple table with a banker, a Shop Rite
manager and a West Virginia coal miner.
These people were as shy as bandicoots
at first. But Pumpsie caught on how to
crack ice. Just mention the Pocono Moun-
tain room fly. The room fly is small, MiG-
evasive, and can produce a tiny
chuckling noise—"Heh, heh, heh." As in,
“Heh, heh, heh, he's about to come. I'll
land on his scrotum." Zang—did anyone
see an erection around here? I know I
put it down someplace. The only luggage
you need take to northeastern Pennsylva-
niais a number-six rubber band.

As one social director remarked,
"Games and activities are fun. But they
also help you find out things about your
partner that you never knew before." I
never knew that Moompsie played ping-
pong like a gym snake. Or tennis like
some kind of court pirate. Moompsie
never knew that Pumpsie was such a bad
sport. This, in fact, is the down side of
gamesmanship. Competition can get
sour-spirited. Victory on the golf course
may lead to reprisals in bed. Your lust

may be taken hostage—and held for her
missed backhand. I heard a woman
say on the miniature-golf course, "Well,
gosh, honey, at least you got it in one hole
this weekend."

2. Plush, irresistible and unthreatening,
or furniture can be an aphrodisiac.
Moompsie and Pumpsie stayed first at
the Summit Resort, then at Cacsars Cove
Haven. Our Fantasia suite was near
Caligulan (pool, sauna, heart-shaped
tub—which, unfortunately, took so long
to fill that we fell asleep before we could
climb into the His-and-HER ventricles).
But, oh, our Champagne Tower Suite at
Cove Haven came right from moom
pitchers. I felt like throwing my child-
hood sled into the fireplace. I mean,
sheesh, what a toy. Half brothel cloud
chamber, half Houston mission control.
Thing should've had a dashboard. It
played “Feelings, doo-wah-wah, feelings”
on every part of the old sensorium.

For just $336 per night, you get indoor
heart-shaped pool, sauna, massage table,
steam shower, refrigerator, fireplace,
round and mirrored bed, no reading
lamp and—tah-daah!—the preposter-
ous and spectacular whirlpool bath set
in a seven-foot-tall- champagne glass
(patented). This concept is so laughable,
so late-American megalomaniac that it is
flabbergastingly effective. Marriages go
downhill fast after Cove Haven. The
placc, in fact, makes a cincmatic statc-
ment; it says, "Scrcam out that orgasm;
sex is big; this entire two-story room will
be nothing less than amplification for
your pleasure." It functions both as bed
partner and as co-conspirator; it is like a
stroll through one of your own sexual or-
gans, particularly the female—moist,
dark and enclosing. And your Cham-
pagne Tower Suite has been engineered
with brilliance. Hell, there are—in one
area—so many temperatures and mois-
ture levels, I was surprised the whole
dang thing didn't shatter when I opened
the refrigerator door.

Romancing seven feet up in our trans-
parent whirlpool made us feel like, ah,
like two roaches in a flush toilet. You bark
the odd shin, snort foam, achieve B-plus
gratification and probably do it just once
there. But this once may be one you
wouldn't have thought of otherwise. And
that, after all, is the rationale behind sex-
val gimmickry—from absurd to high
tech—it can serve as pretext for some ex-
tra touching.

Circular beds are de rigueur. Now, I
can think of no reason—pure novelty
aside—why roundness should be more
voluptuous than squareness. And, in
fact, it isn't. Worse, thus far, at least, no
one has managed to invent a round sheet
All bed linen, therefore, molts one
minute after you get in, and you spend

(continued on page 151)

TOOLS

OF THE

HEART

OTIS REDDING REMINDED US NOT TO MESS
WITH CUPID, ‘CAUSE CUPID'S NOT STUPID.
BUT IN THE MIDST OF A
BLINDING LOVE STORM, YOU MAY NEED HELP

Rules of Engagement
How to Argue with a Women You Still Intend to Have Sex With

SETTING THE STAGE.

* Both parties should be fully clothed and stationary.

* Neither party should be wearinga Walkman, watching TV or
doing something “more important" than participating in the ar-
gument.

GROUND RULES

= Open the dialog in an inviting, rational tone. Instead of “Get
your ass in here so I can chew it out,” try "Let's sit down and get
to the bottom of this.” (Whoopee cushions are prohibited.)

* Do not lecture.

* Avoid gesticulating in what could be interpreted asa provoca-
tive style. This includes finger wagging, tongue thrusting, mim-
icking, any gesture employed by the Three Stooges

* Avoid the use of sarcasm, insinuation and any foreign lan-
guage.

* Avoid threats, no matter how well thought out.

*Speak in the first person singular. (Rather than “Everyone
who has ever met you knows you are the most controlling Ama-
try “I feel that 1 am constantly being judged.")
not use superior intellect as an edge.

* Resist the temptation toward one-upmanship (“Well, if I'm
dense, you must be brain dead”).

* Be specific in your grievance. Dont say, "There's just some-
thing about you that irritates the shit out of me.” Try “We all have

ILLUSTRATIONS BY EVERETT PECK

128

our idiosyncrasies, but that
bit with the electric tooth-
brush really puts me on
edge."

* Admit to your own short-
comings without protracted
defensiveness.

«Avoid repetition. (“I'm
unresponsive! I'm unrespon-
sive”)

*Avoid all reference to
physical attributes. Also, this
is no time to bring up sexual
shortcomings.

+ Never quote the Bible or
the other party. Not “You said
you were going to a Tae
Kwon Do class" Rather, "I
understood you to have said
you were going to a Tae
Kwon Do class."

*Lay your cards on the
table from the outset. Don't
hold back the ace for an op-
portune moment, eg, "I
didn't realize they held Tae
Kwon Do classes in the lobby
of the Drake Hotel at ten pst.
on Fridays.”

issues
from a previous argument.

* Avoid name-calling.

«Do not be distracted by
tears. Counter empathetical-
ly with: “Don't change the

«Don't resurrect

subject."

* Bargain, compromise:
"What series of sexual acts
are you willing to perform.
in what sequence and for
what duration, in order to

cloud my memory?"

* Beware of sweeping over-
statements: “I could be your
perpetual slave and you still
wouldn't be happy.”

«Do not hedge, dodge or
otherwise divert the subject:
“Have you put on a few
pounds recently?”

* Do not lie.

CLOSING ARGUMENTS

* If you can get up the en-
ergy to fight, you can get up
the energy to forgive and
apologize.

* Rock the boat whenever
necessary. Couples who fight
are more passionate.

"Stage a ceremonial dos-
ing. For example: a slight
tousling of each other's hair,
two bops on the shoulder,
playing any song by the
Righteous Brothers or taking
turns carrying each other to
the bedroom.

* Remember,
your friend.

friction is

How to Deal with Her Bibliographical Baggage

WHAT SHE HAS READ

Our Bodies, Ourselves—The Boston Women's Health Book
Collective

Games Mother Never Taught You—Betty Lehan Harragan
The Feminine Mystique—Betty Friedan

The Little Prince—Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Having It All —Helen Gurley Brown

Fear of Flying—Erica Jong

Tiffany catalog

The Fountainhead —Ayn Rand

The Peter Pan Syndrome—Dan Kiley

Let's Have Healthy Children —Adelle Davis
Wuthering Heights —Emily Brontë

Out on a Limb—Shirley MacLaine

Princess Daisy— Judith Krantz

Love Story—Erich Segal

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof — Tennessee Williams
The Hite Report—Shere Hite

The Sensuous Woman—J.

Anything by Susan Brownmiller

The Road Less Traveled—M. Scott Peck

WHAT YOU SHOULD READ IN RETALIATION
Scout Handbook—Boy Scouts of America

The Book of Five Rings—Miyamoto Musashi
Lolita—Vladimir Nabokov

Naked Lunch— William S. Burroughs

Being and Nothingness—Jean Paul Sartre

The Scarlet Letter—Nathaniel Hawthorne

The Panic of 89 — Paul Erdman

The Great Gatsby—F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Godfather—Mario Puzo

Silent Spring—Rachel Carson

Moby Dick—Herman Melville

Out of Africa—Isak Dinesen

Marlborough: His Life and Times—Six Winston Churchill
Old Yeller—Fred Gipson

The Taming of the Shrew—William Shakespeare

The Kiplinger Washington Letter

Basic Plumbing and Pipe Fitting—Frank Logiudici
Anything by Norman Mailer

Swim with the Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive
—Harvey Mackay

"Come up and see my etchings"? It just doesrit work these days. Gal bait needs to be more cunning.
The new lures include an elaborate espresso machine, a private steam room or a litter of puppies.

Rubbing Her Right: A Perfect Foot Massage

OMEN CRAVE. foot mas-

sages Many consider

them justifed rewards

for enduring another

day of high-heeled
shoes—cruel footware that
nonetheless enhances the
curve of the calf and the
perk of the butt. It's best to
consider it your end of that
visual bargain.

Some techniques include
making a fist and using your
knuckles to press hard in
small circles over the sole of
the foot. Go over the sole
with strong thumb strokes
while holding the foot with
your fingers. Lift the foot by
the ankle and work on the
heel with your finger tips and
thumb. Probe the skin
around the anklebone. Lo-
cate the long tendons that
run lengthwise up to each
toe. Massage the valleys be-

tween the tendons. Squeeze
the skin between each toe.
Work cach toc separately. Ro-

tate them. Pull them as
though disengaging lite
corks. Squeeze the foot with
the heels of your hands on
the top of the foot and your
fingers grasping the under-
side. Let the heels of your
hands slide to the outside of

the foot. Finish by holding
the sides of the foot between
your outstretched palms. Us-
ing a rapid and vigorous al-
ternating motion, work up
and down along the sides of
the foot.

If you perform this mas-
sage routine regularly and
right, her little piggies will
want to stay home.

The ideal mate:

1. Wears heels at least 65
percent of the time and al-
ways when youre out with
guys from the old neighbor-
hood.

2. Can catch a ball and
then throw it—not like a girl
(but, then, not entirely like a
man, either).

3. Never disconcerts her
husband's mother.

4. Has well-developed po-
litical and social opinions but.
neverairs them in the middle
of her husband'sset speech at
a party.

5. Can use jumper cables.

6. Is not afraid of mice,
snakes or spiders—and is not
allergic to cats.

7. Doesn't begrudge the oc-
casional quickic.

8. Can pick a horse, bluff
with two low pairs and lose as
much as $50 without going
into a funk.

9. Will take weeklong trips
by herself and not call home
every night.

10. Has at least two close
girlfriends her husband both
likes and trusts—but to
whom he is not sexually at-
tracted.

ll. Is an incisive judge
of character.

12. Can, on a half hour's
notice, produce a useful wed-
ding present for someone
you know fairly well and
pack for a weekend trip.

13. Must generate enough
respect (if not healthy fear)
in her husband that he will
be persuaded not to do the
really foolish and unneces-
sary bad things.

14. Doesn't remind you too
much of her mother or
yours.

15. Can drive a stick shift.

16. Buys her mate a sur-
prise present at least once a
year.

17. Isn't afraid to take the
car for an oil change.

18. Doesn't bother you
when you're really pissed off.

19. Likes oral sex.

20. Graciously deals with
the enthusiasm of a lifetime,
whether it be crossbows, golf
or Etruscan pottery, and tol-
erates the enthusiasm of the
moment, be it crossbows, golf
or Etruscan pottery.

129

0 NS

ANDREA MARCOVICCI

Ac Marcovicci describes torch. sing-
ing as "I torture myself for your
benefit.” After years of acting on TV ("Love
Is a Many-Splendored Thing,” “Baretta,”
“Medical Center,” “Magnum, PI.") and in
movies (“The Front" and, most recently, her
boyfriend Henry Jagloms “Someone to
Love,” the video of which is a Valentines
Day release), she is concentrating her ener-
gies on filling the Hotel Algonquins Oak
Room, Los Angeles’ Gardenia club and
Carnegie Hall with a growing following,
which includes Warren Beatty and Jack
Nicholson. Articles Editor John Rezek
caught her in Chicago at The Gold Star
Sardine Bar and hasn't been the same since.
They met later, appropriately enough, in the
lobby of the Algonquin. Rezek reports: “On
stage, Andrea is charming, willy, beautiful
and rivetingly intelligent. Face to face, shes
exactly the same, only more casually
dressed.”

PLAYBOY: Describe the start of a perfect
Valentine’s Day-

marcovices: Don't let me sound like Jane
Seynin 1t w be able to talk about
romance without anybody's thinking that
I'm having a faint or anything. Waking
up to a valentine left under the door
would be very nice.

rLAYBOY: How can a feminist get her
heart broken?

MARCOVICCI: It takes a little more effort,
but not much. A lot of us lost sight of our
hearts—and of some of the things that

the torch EAT p
à en
singer ae ul
scholar of e of crac
hearthreak Her will sive
tells how M eda
men do

Women Wrong

and why she

weeps at

weddings

ty, because they

have no roles to
PHOTOGRAPHY BY GREG HEISLER

play that they can
understand. Many
women have wail-
ed for the great
romantic love of
their life to come
along and he has
never come. And
they have never
had children. It's a

rather chilly time for so many women.
One older friend said when she had her
child, “That's the romance I was waiting
for, the real love of my life. Who knew
that the prince I'd waited for was going
to be my child?”

PLAYBOY: What are the early events of a
woman's life that inform the way she later
approaches men?

MARCOVICCI: All women carry their rela-
tionships with their fathers throughout
their lives in one way or another and usu-
ally end up looking for someone like
their fathers in the men they choose—or
someone opposite. My father was sixty-
three when I was born. He was much old-
er than my mother. I grew up worried
about his dying. And in a weird, perverse
way—the way in which psychology
works—I avoided picking somebody who
would be continuous. 1 chose very
difficult men who were not at all mar-
riageable.

Getting my period was really dis-
turbing, an enormous event that I
thought was handled brilliantly by my fa-
ther. He told me he was going to take me
dancing and got me all dressed up. lt was
his way of saying, “You'll make a wonder-
ful girl. You'll be fine, and there are
beautiful aspects of womanhood that
you'll enjoy" And what could a man do
that could be more beautiful than that?

As for the other moments of a girl's
life, I bet all women remember their fa-
ther's coming home at the end of the day,
the sound of his keys in the door. When
Daddy comes through the door, hes a
god. That is one of the reasons fathers
like to be fathers. And 1 still feel special
when I hear keys outside the door, and
Eve had that in relationships with men.

First boyfriends are a very difficult sit-
uation. I fell in love when 1 was about
thirteen, and I got the boy to give me his
LD. bracelet. My father was furious. “Get
that slave bracelet off your wrist." He was
so angry that I would have the mark of
this other man. Later, I realized that he
was also furious because when turned
over, it had written on it: 1 AM A DIABETIC.
My father was a doctor and was angry
because what if I were in an accident or
something? He was being very sensible.

PLAYBOY: Give us a brief history of the
major events in an adult romance.

marcovicct: Eyes start the whole thing
off. When you see someone across a

room, or you're introduced to him at a
party or you work with him, there is
a moment that has to do vith really look-
ing into his eyes and seeing what you see
there. Good conversation is next. Laugh-
ter and how fast it happens and how easi-
ly it happens are next. Then there's the
first kiss. Vital. Now there's a first kiss
practically immediately Being comfort-
able at a movie together is a big part of
every romance. Also, whether people
want to admit it or not, that moment
when you finally are comfortable not go-
ing out and you stay home and watch
television. Sunday afternoons are the
next milestone. People are very compli-
cated on Sunday afternoons. They have
old sadnesses that come up on Sunday aft-
ernoon, and dealing with them together
is a good idea. Then comes the decision
and the celebration of making love, and,
with luck, you get over that and then try
it again. Then theres living together
and/or marriage. And day-to-day life.
And seeing whether you're lucky enough
to have fallen in love with somebody
who's trustworthy.

pLavpov: What behavior of women should
immediately be forgiven?

Marcovicct: All premenstrual behavior
short of murder.

PLAYBOY: What immediately disqualifies a
man?

MARCOVICCI: [f he doesn't know who Cole
Porter was. That's it: You, out of here.
You're disqualified if you're not at least a
self-educated person. A woman of cul-
ture can certainly spend and enjoy time
with somebody without a formal edu-
cation. A man who is interested in the
arts and in the world around him will
more than qualify. If his only subscrip-
tion is to Field & Stream or Guns and Am-
mo, I think we've got a problem.

PLAYBOY: Name three things a gentleman
never does.

MaRCOVICCI: A gentleman doesn't insist.
He has the sensitivity to see when some-
thing has gone too far. A gentleman nev-
er gets into an argument with your
parents. He can have a heated discus-
sion with them, perhaps, but he should
always back off at the right moment
when he's talking with your mother.
[Laughs] Third, a gendeman doesnt
keepa woman (continued on page 160)

131

Falling in love is easy,
especially when
youre married

HAI

CHEATING
HEART

NE SWEET DREAM,/
Pick up the bags and get in the limou-
sine./ Soon we'll be away from here./ Step
on the gas and wipe that tear away..."

I had just plugged in my new remote-
control CD and was testing it with Abbey
Road, which is about as modern as I get,
when the dogs started barking and
hurling themselves at the front door. I
opened it. There in the darkness of the
Hollywood Hills stood my best friend,
Lenny, a man whose life I had often ad-
mired from afar and even up close. He
wore his usual mask of ironic detachment,
but his hands were fluttering around his
face as if he were warding off mos-
quitoes. On his back was one of the beau-
tiful Polo jackets he always wore, this one
a dark-blue silk-and-linen blazer. It was
about 11 at night, which is the usual time
that Lenny arrives to tell me about who
was at Morton's or Spago and how much
he has made or lost speculating in stocks.

He walked into the living room and sat
down on an orange love seat. I handed
him a Scotch on the rocks. In one gulp,
he downed half a tumbler.

“I want to begin at the beginning,” he
said.

“Please do."

"About half an hour ago," Lenny said,
“I was sitting in the bedroom with my
wife. I had just gotten back from a date
with Kathy, who is almost unendurably
beautiful but is not, as you know, my

article By Ben Stein

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAO HOLLANG

133

PLAYBOY

134

wife. She's also twenty-five and I'm forty-
two. My wife, Cassie, is lying there in bed
with a cough from this bronchitis she's
had for about a month.

"She looks at me with a wan smile and
asks, 'Have I told you the fantasy that I
use to keep from going completely insane
when you're out at Mortoris with Kathy?
You might find it interesting.’

“I'd love to hear it,’ I told her.

“Cassie says, ‘I tell myself that the
Lenny I know and love, that I’ve been in
love with for twenty-two years, is away on
a secret mission, and maybe he’s been
dropped into Nazi Germany or some-
thing like that. Maybe he's been cap-
tured. But you're doing something brave
and wonderful, and that’s where you are.

“In the meantime,’ Cassie says, ‘I'm
g with someone who's perfectly nice
and he's paying for me to stay home so I
can take care of our daughter, Marie. But
he’s not the Lenny I love. He's somebody
else who I’m not really close to.

“And what I hope every minute,
Cassie goes on, ‘is that there'll be your
key in the door and it'll be you, and it'll
be as if there never had been any Kathy,
and you'll be the same Lenny I've loved
from the minute I met you!

"So, she's saying this,” Lenny told me,
pping again on his Scotch, "and I'm
thinking that this is what it must be like
to have lung surgery with no anesthetic

"And meanwhile, Cassie goes on, ‘I
have to realize that you may not ever re-
turn, and then Marie and I will just have
to deal with it like a million other women
who deal with it when their husbands
don't come back. But if you don't come
back, I'll always remember you as the
Lenny who looked so handsome and so
confident that first night at the Stork
Club, when you met me and explained
why the Vietnam war had to stop.’

“You know,” Lenny said to me, “I was
wrong. It really wasn’t like lung surgery
at all. It was more like they were doing a
quadruple bypass without anesthetics
while they were holding my eyelids open
and making me watch The Cosby Show.
After she said those things, she walked
into the nursery to check on Marie and I
started thinking about Kathy, whom I
had just left and who was not exactly
bubbling over with the milk of human
kindness, anyway.

“A half hour before Cassie told me
what a great guy I was, I had been sitting
in a chair in Kathy’s bedroom, overlook-
ing the Pacific in Malibu. She had just
finished telling me that she did not feel
like having sex with me that night, or any
other night, for that matter, and that the
few bits and pieces of sex we had had in
the past were history, a chance escape
past her mental guards. ‘I have a big psy-
chological problem with your being mar-
ried,’ is what she tells me. ‘It's a big thing,
you know, ‘cause you have this big, im-
portant wife, and every night, you go

back to her bed. I don't wake up and
see you next to me in the morning. So if
I have a problem having sex you,
don't start yelling that I'm an ungrateful
bitch. You're always saying that you love
me, but listen to yourself, Lenny. You're
married. Married.’

“So I reminded her that she had just
had a two-year relationship with a mar-
ried guy and that I gave her pres-
ents and took her to nice places and
treated her about a thousand times bet-
ter than he did.

“'yes,' she says. ‘I don't deny it. You
treat me like a queen. But that's like say-
ing that because youre riding a horse
and it throws you, and you break your
back, and you go into traction for two
years and you really, really suffer, that
when they offer you the chance to ride
the same horse again, you should just get
right back up on it and ride it. Besides, I
was twenty-two then, I'm twenty-five now.
Ive learned a lot about life. I'm still
naive, but I’m nowhere near as naive.
Can you hear me? Can you understand?
Do you even care what 1 say, or do you
only care if I say I'll go down on you?"

“So I say, ‘But, Kathy, I treat you so
well—'and she won't let me finish.

“Yeah, you treat me too well,’ she says.
"It bugs me sometimes. You're all over me,
and you're married, and it would be too
much even if you weren't married."

"Itold her that I didn't have to Le mar-
ried, that maybe that would change, and
she says, ‘Don't do it on my account. I'm
not promising a thing."

"So J sat in her chair, and I looked out
at the waves, and I looked at the pictures
of her and her old boyfriends, and the
new picture of me and Kathy in Santa Fe.
I tried to think of whether any person
who was physically well in a free, demo-
cratic, industrial country felt as bad as I
did at that moment. While I was thinking.
about it, Kathy says to me, Dont sit all
the way over there. Come over here and
get in bed with me and hug me. But just.
hug me and hold me and listen to me.

Sometime,’ she tells me, ‘I'm going to
just go up to your house and get some of
those pills out of your closet and take
some of them and sleep forever. I could
easily do it after some guys just gone
home or I'm going home alone from
some guy's house, and I start to cry and
just wish I could sleep forever."

“Kathy fell asleep and I went home and
I heard my wife tell me about how she
imagined that I was away on a secret mis-
sion, and then she changed Marie, and
then she took a righteous dose of benzo-
diazepines to keep from losing it over her
problems, mainly one problem, a hus-
band who has a girlfriend. And the pills
knock her flat in about three minutes, so
she doesnt have the slightest problem
sleeping, either, just like Kathy.

“Theres really only one person who
has a lot of trouble sleeping around this
whole thing."

"I can imagine,” | said. Lenny looked
to me, too, as if he were on a dangerous
mission from which he might not return.
I wondered how well secret agents slept
when they were in enemy territory.

"Usually" Lenny said, "I read The Wall
Street Journal and make circles around
every story where someone is stealing
money from stockholders until I can fall
asleep, but the fun has gone out of it, be-
cause by then, I'm circling just about ev-
ery story on every page. I get so panicky
that I take a chloral hydrate, which looks
exactly like an emerald, and then a Com-
pazine, which is a pastel-canary color,
and then a meprobamate, which is just
blah white, and then a lovely Percocet,
and I start wondering how many I would
have to take to get out of the whole story.
But I know my hypothalamus pretty well
now. I just take enough to sleep, and
preferably not to dream."

Lenny lit a cigarette. He inhaled so
deeply that in onc puff, he turned a third
of the cigarette to ash. "That's what I do
most nights," he went on. "But tonight,
I'm going to tell you why I do this, even
though it makes me and everybody
around me crazy.

“I have to tell you, even though you
probably dort want to hear. It’s like one
of those monsters from a Fifties horror
picture: A surgeon has to wrench it out,
and it’s covered with blood and tentacles
and ooze, and it slides onto the laborato-
ry floor and scuttles away.

“Only it really isn't ugly Its really al-
most sweet. Ws really almost pretty. Its
like acute little monkey, and you can’t get
it off your back, no matter what you do,
and I think it's called life.”

God help us; talk to me about anything
but not about life. That's too hard, I
thought, but I said nothing. I don’t like to
interrupt Lenny and I knew he wouldn't
interrupt me if our roles were reversed,
which they sometimes have been.

“First,” Lenny said, “I'm forty-two, and
that’s right up there in middle-aged land,
as far as I'm concerned. | dont like
The way I see it, being young is where it's
at. Being old is the last place I ever want
to be.

“So far, life's been going only one way.
It's going from being young to being old.
Now, at three a.m, you know and I know
that there's not really a goddamn thing I
can do about it. But at some other hours,
it occurs to me that there definitely are a
few things I can do about it. I can start
jogging, or I can buy some new clothes at
Bijan, or I can buy a new car.

“But those don't really accomplish
much, except as a by-product. The only
thing that really works is a girlfriend.

(continued on page 149)

7A prince built this for his ladylove in an exceedingly romantic era that,
sadly, no longer exists: lo celebrate getting into her pants."

136

THE DEVIL
MADE ME DO IT!

MURPHREE'S
ROMANCE:
UNHOLY ROLLER

Televangelist Jimmy
Swaggart, who had earlier accused fellow Assembly of God
preacher Marvin Gorman of adultery, was himself defrocked
when a Gorman snoop tracked him to a motel room shared with
hooker Debra Murphree—who then reproduced the poses she
said Jimmy liked to watch in some
tacky photos for Penthouse. Swag-
gart fessed up in a tearful tele-

cast but refused to give up
preaching. Ministry of

Greed, a Newsweek
staffers book on the

profitability of TV's
holy wars, may ex-

plain why.

LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FICKLE, PART I Wr asm

It was The Year of the Infernal Triangle, as exemplified by what happened ^* the derriere
when Brenda Richie (above right) discovered her R&B-singer husband pa Oe e
Lionel, in a compromising position with one Diane Alexander (above left) in the latter's finefeatherwhile icing askat-

Beverly Hills apartment. Brenda proceeded to bash both of 'em; cops were called. ing title for East Germany.

THE
YEAR

SEX

the ups, the downs, the horizontals of 1988

Its Love! Jessica Hahn Flips

For 300-Lb, Wacky Ex-Preacher

THE GOSPEL Jessica Hahn, who brought e
ACCORDING 10 JESSICA his PTL empire to ruin, has gj

We haven't heard the last of Jessica Hahn, the ex-church sec-
retary who blew the whistle on Jin Bakker. Equipped with
improved physical assets, she again
appeared in Playboy; spilled the
beans on former pastor Gene
Profeta (with mike and Good
Book, left), who was subsequent-
ly indicted for tax evasion; got a
Phoenix radio-d.j. gig; and made a
video with ex-preacher Sam Kini-
son (top) The conclusion drawn
above is the National Enquirer's.
Ours is that Jess was costumed
by Cassandra (Elvira, Mistress
of the Dark) Peterson (left)

138

Y [veso REMEMBER. MAT TOOK At This Gay IN
THE FAR BACKGROUNDS
“AND... HEY

LK” HERE'S A WHOLE File A
Tie Tores} 3

George Bush's surprising choice of Dan Quayle as his G.O.P.
running mate sent the press scurrying after tales
of campus capers and a memorable golf
weekend spent with, among others, 4
Playboy pictorial veteran Paula
Parkinson (right).

SAUCY BAGGAGE

Fire equipment and the Chi-
cago Bomb and Arson
Squad sped to O'Hare
Airport June 16 to de-
fuse a stewardess'
ticking suitcase.
They found a
battery-oper-
ated vibrator.

ILONA'S OFF THE
WALL IN JERUSALEM

lona "Cicciolina" Staller,
pom star and Italian
M.P, had some down
time: She was eject-
ed from the Wailing
Wall and busted
for indecent
exposure in
Brussels.

LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FICKLE, PART II

Born in the U.S.A., fooling around on the road: Boss Bruce Springsteen was
caught frolicking on tour with longtime backup singer Patti Scialfa (above left)

in Paris, London and Rome. His wife, actress and model Julianne Phillips, whose
TV movie His Mistress was being rerun at the time, soon sued for divorce.

ONE-WOMAN
BAND AID

Pamela Des Barres (far
right) describes her
groupie days with Way-
lon Jennings, Keith Moon,
Don Johnson, Mick Jag-
ger, Noel Redding, Jimmy
Page and others in her book
Im with the Band; she'll
show, if perhaps not tell, even
more in next monttis Playboy.

DEVIL MADE
ME DO IT!

SALES
PITCHER

After the release of |
Bull Durham, in \
which hurler phenom
Tim Robbins (inset)
sports a garter belt,
Frederick's of Holly-
wood reported a 15
percent increase in

its sales of hosiery
holder-uppers
like the ones
Playmate Kim
Morris models

at the right. Á H

JESUS CHRIST,
MOVIE STAR

Martin Scorsese's
controversial film
The Last Tempta-
tion of Christ stars
Willem Dafoe as a
Christ enticed by
Satan with plausible
visions of marriage
and a family. Furious
fundamentalists
raised holy hell

140

+ PASSION'S
FRUIT

A party in a former
gay bath in Man
hattan, now the
Cave Canem club
(left), celebrated the
release of Passion, a
video and single by
Romina Danielson,
the Passion Flower
of 1987's Joan Col-
lins-Peter Holm di-
vorce proceedings.

HOT CHECK SERVICE

Money with extra interest: Tops Check
Cashing, Fort Lauderdale, hires topless
hostesses. One likens her job to being at the
beach, “Only you cant get a tan in here.

PUBIC-SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Two Clearwater, Florida, guys sell shirts,
panties, watches—every-

thing but rubbers—star-

ring cartoon. condom
Eddie Rascal.

WHERE
GEORGE WAS!

Speaking of his pal
Reagan, George
Bush told Idahoans
"| am proud to be his
partner. We have had
triumphs, we have
made mistakes, we
have had sex...”

ENJOY OUR TITS
PLEASE LEAVE TIPS

LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH

AND FICKLE, PART I

When Whoopi Goldberg became
engaged to cinematographer
Eddie Gold (below left), there
was a hitch: her marriage
to cinematographer David
Claessen (below right).

ANOTHER JESSICA
REBORN

She was drawn "bad" for the movie,
but Disney's coloring books cop out,
with a Jessica Rabbit cov-
er-up for the Crayola
generation.

TA A9 Dom.
LI

A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR
THE UPWARDLY
MOBILE URBAN

COWGIRL

Buzz off with Sybian, a
$1395 device driven by a
pair of '/s horsepower
motors (one for rotation,
one for vibration). Its
from Abco Research
Associates, Post Office
Box 329, Monticello,
illinois 61856.

T.K.O. IN MARITAL ARTS

The turbulent marriage of boxing champion Mike
Tyson and TV actress Robin Givens hit the ropes
after eight months amid a flurry of press-conterence
jabs and counterpunches, suits and countersuits.
In polls, the public branded Robin a gold digger.

142

GRANDSTAND PLAY

In Cockney rhyming slang, Bristol Cities are tit-
ties. At a Bristol City-Mansfield Town football
final in Londons Wembley Stadium, fans
showed theirs. To no avail: Bristol City lost.

SAM, YOU MADE THE CUPS TOO SMALL
Page 3 Girl turned songstress Samantha Fox was back in
Britain's tabloids again with news that a diet had trimmed her
formerly bountiful breast measurement by four inches.

BELLYING UP
TO THE BAR

California lawyer Laura
Salant, 31, tried to sit
for her husband's bar
exam, but officials
saw through her
disguise. She
was seven
months
preg
nant.

JERK IN
THE PULPIT

LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FICKLE, PART IV
The Reverend Thomas
Streitferdt of Harlem, Make a couple of movies with a sheila and see what happens! Aussie actor Paul Hogan's
es ipd" m d aoa 30-year marriage to wife Noelene (above right) went on the shoals when Paul cozied up
fares theya go do hell to his “Crocodile” Dundee co-star, Linda Kozlowski (above left). While in London to pro-

for refusing his advances. mote “Crocodile” Il, Hogan quipped: “I'm rich and famous and Linda wants my money"

=RATERNITÉ CHÉRIE f;

HOT WATER,
COLD SHOULDER

Divorce lawyer Marvin Mitchel-
son (right) had a lousy year, cli-
maxing in accusations of rape
by exclients. Carrie Leigh (far
right) retained him for her pal-
imony suit vs. Hef, then unex-
pectedly eloped with Cory
Margolis (inset bottom right). Now
they've split and she locks great
spoofing us all in National Lampoon.

VANNA'S

TV's Vanna White
claimed that she
wasn't nude in her
unreleased flick
Gypsy Angels
(above). Evident-
ly, she didnt like it
any better than
our pre-Wheel of
Fortune undies
pix (right). But a
TV-movie gig as
Venus rated high.

WHY POLITICS
ARE MORE FUN
IN FRANCE

Liberte, égalité, nudite?
The Socialist Partys
bare billboards repro-
duced at left may have
helped Francois Mit-
terand win his election
campaign. Gov. Michael
Dukakis, take note: At
the polls, sex outsells
competence every time

WEDDING BELLS ARE BREAKING
UP THAT OLD GANG OF MINE

America's most confirmed bachelor, Hugh M.
Hefner, popped the question to Playmate Kimber-
ley Conrad at the Playboy Mansion's wishing well

PLAYBOY

144

SOMETHING HAPPENS

(continued from page 84)

“The natural high of being head over heels in love
evenlually wears off, just as drugs run out."

system indirectly by inducing the brain to
crank out high levels of norepinephrine
and dopamine—the same two neurotrans-
mitters that released at gusher levels
during romantic attraction.

Dopamine and norepinephrine seem to
work their magic by lowering the activa-
tion threshold of the b pleasure cen-
ter, which is located in the limbic region of
the brain. The limbic system is primarily
responsible for our ability to experience
emotions. Dopamine interacts with testos-
terone (a hormone that both sexes share),
which fuels sexual desire, and thus may be
the chemical that puts the lust into love.

The neurotransmitter activity triggered
by romantic attraction prompted Liebo-
witz to quip in a New York Times interview
that love could be viewed as a “brain bath"
of dopamine and norepinephrine.

If only it were that simple. lt appe:
that the brain must first be showered with
phenyleihylamine, or PEA, a naturally oc-

curring chemical in the brain that is one
carbon atom away from amphetamine.
Liebowitz believes that it is PEA—or some
other amphetaminelike substance—that
causes the brain to release the dopamine
and norepinephrine.

In addition to giving new meaning.
perhaps respect, to the nd
brain, it br usto a crucial questi
we fall in love when we arc producing
more PEA, or do we produce more PEA
when we are falling in love?

Liebowitz can say only that when we en-
counter someone who meets our person,
set of emotional and physiological criteria,
a switch in our limbic system is "automati-
cally thrown" and “our limbic pleasure
centers go bunkers."

In other words, something happens.

It is worth noting that some foods—
chocolate, in particular—have high levels
of PEA. That raises the question of
whether or not we could simulate the feel-
ing of falling in love—or at least lust—by

“So he goes, ‘You want to get married?’ and I’m, like, ‘Yeah.

doing some serious choco loading. At the
very least, it would be a cheap date.
The answer to that seems to dep
whether or not we can hold the MAO.
MAO stands for monoamine oxidase, a
class of brain enzymes that re
emotional states. Just as d
break down, or metabo

d on

ne, norepinephr ind PEA. Sadly. it
out that PEA in food olized
so quickly that it doesn't have time to reach
the blood stream, much less the brain.

We all know that the natural high of be-
ing head over heels in love eventually
wears off, just as drugs inevitably run out.
As our body chemistry returns to norni
the exhilaration of romant
usually gives way to the comfort and secu-
rity of romantic attachment.

According to Liebowitz, the pleasurable
feelings of attachment may involve not on-
ly a stimulation of the brains pleasure cen-
ter but also a reduction of jery, w]
suggests the involvement of another brain
network, the locus coeruleus. Researchers
believe that this area acts as a human
alarm cemer that regulates our feelings of
anxiety, fear and depression.

Attachment also appears to be the stage
at which the brains production of natural
narcotics, the endorphins, comes imo play:
While it is not clear whether the endor-
phins affect us by blocking or stimulating
our receptors, they do seem to elevate our
pain threshold and, medical researchers
believe, may strengthen our immune sys-
tem as well. Thus, it's possible that being in
love provides us the added benefit ol mak-
ing it easier to stay healthy.
or the most part, those of us who have
experienced the exhilaration of falling in
love also know well the pain and sadness of
falling out of love. From a neurochemical
standpoint, our. production of PEA ap-
pears to drop and our reservoir of do-
pamine and norepinephrine shrinks to the
size of a birdbath, Factor in decreased re-
ceptor sensitivity and. youre looking at a
virtual shutdown of the pleasure cei

Another neurochemical
be involved has to do with the activity of
MAO. That notion is based on the effec-
tiveness of a class of drugs called the MAO
inhibitors in treating certain types of ex-
tended depression. These drugs work by
blocking the enzymes from breaking down,
neurotransmitters, thus preventing the
reservoir from drying up.

Whether it’s high MAO, low P
litle dopamine and norepinephri
clogged receptors that turns us into chem
basket cases when we go through the
ma of breakup, there seems to be little
's needed to get those ne
ng again.
a wink or a nod,
our limbic switch is back in

AAU ENGLEMAN

tra
doubt as to w!
mical circuits fir

the ox position.

LOSING YOUR HEAD

(continued from page 112)
holes in the streets. Its an analogy in which
the open sewer is romance and the normal
guy is vou. What we're really talking about
here is losing your head over a woman.
And, alas, the ability to take a fall over and
over without showing the scars and bruises
is a learned skill, one we generally miss,
because at the time we need that knowl
edge most, we're living in the suburbs of
stupidity, head over heels for some dame.
Which, by the way, isn't necessarily bad
but is—necessarily—disorienting. And
that's why we're all gathered here.

THE FIRST ALARM

Know the early-warning signals. The
key to prevention, as
they say, is carly
detection. Alter ev-
ery date or encoun-
ter with the object
of your fascination,
check for the seven
dang

lation. You are
ecstatic. You cant
believe someone a
wonderful, beauti-
ful, witty, whatever,
actually seems to be
attracted to vou. It's
amazing, it's incred-
ible and, really, to
everyone else, it's
boring

2. The critique
You replay the game
tape. You can! be-
lieve the number of

5. The Uri Geller spoon-bending syn-
drome. You watch doors and will her to
walk through them; you stare at your tele-
phone and demand that it ring

6. The neediest case. You require an in-
ordinate amount of reassurance, especially
from her, the one person from whom you
should never seek it.

7. Gender contusion, You act just like a
girl. (Sec one through six.)

Is this you? If your behavior fits any of
the categories above, you're in deep. Swim
to the edge and get a grip.

KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO LAND.

Know what you expect from a woman
before you fall in love with her. If you sim-
ply hope that falling in love will make vou

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front of the mirror; even over hill ana
vou see your hair around bends.

the way she must

have seen it and you
look like an experi-
mental vegetable,
something in the tu-
ber family You won-
der why strangers
didnt stop vou on
the street and warn you that you looked
hideous.

. Apprehension. You thought every-
thing went well. But lers say you have the
following thought at one in the morning:
You are certain that she liked you less thi
time than she did last time. By 1:15, you'll
be convinced you'll never see her again,
unless it’s in the company of another man
and with a cruel smirk on her face.

4. The Copernican fixation. Suddenly,
you realize that she is at the center of
everything you do and say. The books you
buy are the books you think she thinks you
ought to be reading; when youre with
vour pals, she's the constant topic of your
lame conversation.

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feel better, or if you just want somebody to
nurse you through the illness of lile, you're
going to be disappointed.

Condemned lo repeat it: Unless youre
reading Dad's copy of this magazine, you
have a personal history that is littered with
the remains of old romances, like a collec-
tion of secondhand piñatas. By now, you
should be able 10 see a pattern of some
sort. Whatever went wrong before will go
wrong again, unless you watch your step
and try to change the normal course these
things have taken before

WHAT TO KEEP WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR HEAD

Sometimes love seems like something
cooked up by the Chilean secret polic

when you fall in love with a woman, you
submit yourself to the emotional equiva-
lent of a government experiment in pain
and disorientation. When you check into
the lab for testing, there's one crucial thing
to remember: Hide your valuables. No
matter what happens, make sure you put
the following items in a sale place: your
friends, your job, your bank account and
your favorite hangout. IT your romantic
adventure doesnt work out, you'll mistak-
enly think that you have misplaced your
self-esteem and your dignity. In fact, you'll
find both right where you left them before
the whole mess started

But forget about your common sense;
you'll lose that first, and you wont get it
back until much, much later.

LOOKING FOR TROUBLE

Love lurks in al-
leys and around
blind corners, and,
as a rule, you can
be reasonably sure
youll never meet
a woman in whom
you may be interest-
ed in any of the
predictable place:
Nevertheless, here's
what vou can expect
if you go out looking
for trouble

The five worst
places to meet wom-
en:

L Bars and tav-
erns. The
you meet at bars w
have their availabili
ty well upholstered
with the soft edges
of desperation. Only
museums and su-
permarket frozen-
food sections will
offer such a wide
range of truly lonely
people. If youre a
lonely guy yourself,
then you already
know that loneliness
leaves you vulner
ble; it’s like a crip-
pling ailment, one of which vou hope
somebody will quickly take advantage.

2 Personal ads. Sure, sure, everybody
thinks of answering a personal ad some-
time. It’s an attractive proposition, because
you figure any woman who has to humili
ate herself to the extent of advertising
her availability can't possibly reject you.
Wrong

3. Work, We're told over and over not to
mess around with co-workers, and for
good reason. When the romance is over, so
is the job. You cannot function well in an
office where one of your colleagues is a
former mattress mate. And even if the two
of you succeed in ignoring the situation,
others wort. After all, most workplac

women

145

PLAYBOY

mass produce boredom as a by-product,
and for everyone in the office, a failed af-
fair will have the same compelling quality
as a school-bus plunge or a prostitution
bust. Don't defer the decision on this one.
Make up your mind whether or not you
think your prospective lover is worth your
job.

Beyond all those conside ns, remem-
ber that using seduction as a means of get-
ting ahead is a unisex gambit, and many of
the women you meet at work will come
fitted with a scabbard containing a double-
edged sword. An ambitious woman at
work secs romance as a weapon.

On the other hand, where else is a busy
chap going to meet somebody with whom
he already has much in common? So, if
you're determined to follow a bad hunch,
here are some hot tips.

* At all costs, avoid relationships with
women who are your immediate subordi-
nates Or over whom you exert any poten-
tial professional influence. The road to
sexual-harassment hell is paved with ill-

formed intentions.

t out. If you work for a large compa-
ny and the romance gets scrious, one of
you should transfer to another division. If
you work for a small business, one of you
should look for another job.

hes on top. The most sensible rela-
tionship is one with a woman who is
superior at work. The costs of high-
mance are much easier for you to calculate
if you're the one who's going to pay.

+ Get it down. If youre going to get in-
volved with the woman in the next cubicle,
wait until the third date (see below) to dis-
cuss the inevitable complications; make
sure she understands the consequences of
the affair before you run the risk of screw-
ing up vour job.

4. School. If you're involved with some-
body you met at school, it won't matter, be-
cause, despite what you think now, it wont
last. Women turn into grownups sometime
in their late 20s; men defer such postado-
lescent transformations until they reach
their mid- or late 30s. As the new you

“You realize, of course, I'm only doing this because
of your cologne."

evolves, the relationship will dissolve.
5. Police stations.

(THE TEN BEST PLACES TO MEET WOMEN

If you're ready to get heres a

ious

rundown of the ten best places to meet a
woman.
1. In line. You're in good shape anyplace

a queue has formed because of bureau-
cratic inelhiciency—the motor-vehicles de-
partment or the bank, for example

2. At fires. There's nothing like sha
the experience of watching your apart-
ment building go up in flames to bring two
neighbors a litıle closer togethe

3. Hospitals are filled with women paid
to care. The trick is to demote them to am-
ateur status without a loss in the quality of
their attention.

4. In restaurants. Waitresses are made to
be wed. There is something compelling
about a good-looking woman coming at
you with food in her hand:

5. At weddings, but watch out for topi
conversation.

6. AL A.A. mectings.

7. On airplanes—but only if you're lucky.
If the woman sitting next to you looks swell
but couldn't outwit livestock, you're in for
nonstop nonsense.

8. In churches or clubs. If youre in-
volved with a woman you met at church,
you probably aren't reading this, because
youre afraid of going to hell. Churches,
nagogues, clubs, coed gyms and profes-
sional organizations are swell places 10
meet potential mates. Like the people yon
meet at work, women you meet at clubs or
in churches come with a ready supply of
shared interests. But unlike those salary-
threaten isons, the only ma-
terial thing you stand to lose is your
dues-paying status.

9. At parties. Parties are great, the sec-
ond-best place to meet a gi

10. The best place to me
the home of a mutual
territory; you come well recommended, at
least by association; and your mutual
friends will tailor the conversation for vou.

HERE. HOLD THIS PIE ON YOUR FACE

guish love from
n from lust.
know the differ-

Its important to dis
fatuation and infat
Lust: We assume yo
ence between inf
you pri ably know the difference be-
tween your dick and your heart. If, lo
ample, you look into her eyes when you
talk to her, it's probably i f.
the other hand, you look down her blou
when you talk to her, it may well be lu:
definitely lust if you push her hea
and out of the way to get a better look.
While serious infatuation is usually the
first step to long-term romance, lust is oc-
casionally the first step to infatuation. If
that happens, you can figure lust 10 last
three months or so. After th: ouble.
Nothing's uglier than lust beached and
floundering on the shores of r
Lost in lust: Lust looks exactly like love;

even an expert can't tell them apart, so be
careful here. If you find yourself being
pulled loins-first into an affair you think
may be ill-advised, excuse yourself, go to
the mens room and look at yourself in the
mirror while you slowly count to 50. When
you return to the source of the heat, try to
imagine what she'd look like with food in
her ears or peas in her nose or chow in the
spaces between her teeth. Listen to what
she's saying and pretend you have to listen
to two hours of it every day for the rest of
your life. Do anything you can to put the
brakes on. We're all breeding fools, drown-
ing in the deep end of the gene pool, and
even the most savvy guy sometimes wakes
up too late and wonders how his brains
wound up in his briefs.

On the other hand. lust and infatuation
make a mighty heady mix, a brew for two
that will still taste sweet after three kids
and a retirement cruise.

AVAILABILITY

ns private life. If shes
i. dont come on like
ll just look like a

Respect a woma
wearing a wedding
some Ronco Romeo—vo
jerk. Some women, however, are on the
confused cusp of availability, and a little
conversational exploration is necessary
But dont get involved in an overproduced
detective movie. If it seems that a dinner
invitation won't be a social gaffe, then ten-
der one. I you aren't sure, try for lunch.

WOMEN WHO ARE AVAILABLE IN THEORY
BUT NOT TO YOU

’s a short list of women who may be
able, all right, but who will deliver a
argained

* Your sister's best friend.
+ Your boss's e
+ Your best friend's ex-girlfr
* Your ex-girlfriend's best friend.
* Any woman too young to remember
the songs that were popular when you

were in high school.

DATE DESIGN

A good date is just like a T V movie, in
that it has a beginning, a middle and an
end. Beyond that, each of the first three
dites is a component of a unique sort of
progression: H the first three dates go well,
you're on the stairway to heaven. Hf they
dont, youre in the subbasement and on
the escalator down.

With that in mind, here' the bottom line
op. Keep a first date simple. This isn't
grand opera you're plotting here, pal. Just
plan a pleasant and unpretentious eve-
ning, Remember that the purpose of a first
date is to confirm an initial attraction—on
both sides, presumably—and t0 get to
know each other, so build in a litle
flexibility and keep the whole thing casual.

Don't do anything that adds to the inher-
ent discomfort of a first meeting. What
were talking about is something like di
ner, maybe some dancing and a nightcap at
a bar or a night club. What we're not talk-

ing about is a crowded schedule full of
stops at every cool, quaint or chic bar
you've ever heard of. Above all, a first date
NT a contest with sex as a prize.
Here are some other things to keep in
mind

* Plan ahead, but dont orchestrate the
evening so tightly that you preclude any
spontaneity

«Comfort counts. Pick a place with
which you are familiar and where you will
feel somewhat in control. The best way to
npress a first date is to be genuinely at
ease. After all, the ultimate purpose of a
good romance alance of mutually
sured comfort
Separate yourselves from the crowd.
Choose a restaurant that offers both the

chance for conversation and the opportu-
nity to do a little people watching. Save the
imate venues for later dates.
Sure, sure, youre interesting, but so is
your date, Ask her a question and listen to
her answer. Remark on her answer, thei
ask more questi This is called conver-
sation, and it's a powerful aphrodisiac.
Any woman who matters will respond to a
man who is genuinely interested in her in-
terests. If you make a woman feel interest-
ing, you've also made her feel somehow
more attractive. And you've gone a long
way toward making her think that you're
interesting and attractive,

* If you really want to get the goods on
a girl, schedule a substance-free date:
no drinks, no drugs. And make it

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midwinter, to eliminate all natural distrac-
tions. Just the two of you sitting there
stark-naked from the neck up, listening
carefully and speaking clearly

* Dont seek reassurance. Not on a first
date, not on a third date, not ever. Women
a sniff out fear and insecurity, Keep
yours well hidden for lile.

* Avoid future shock. Dont discuss your
dreams for a family and a picket-fence fu-
turc. Dont talk about favorite baby name:
1f you feel you must talk about the future,
ask her how she feels about the new tax
regulations as they apply t0 IRAs and oth-
er independent pension plans.

* Dont ask her out for a second date be-
fore the first date is over (sce below).

* Dont make a pass on a first date. This
isn't a contest. A simple kiss—or even a
handshake—will suffice. II she expects
nything more, you'll be the first to know.
* When to ditch her: When you ask a
woman to join you ona date, you're not vol-
unteering for target practice. If your date
is rude or gets uncontrollably drunk or
starts giving you the all-women-are-vic-
tims-and-you're-an-oppressor lecture, take
her home pronto. Never, ever abandon a
date, no matter how obnoxious she be-
comes. Unless she specifically refuses to ac-
company you, you are obliged to take her
back to where you found her.

«Be polite. Open that door, light that
match, hold that chair, stand up, sit down.
Courtly gestures and graceful. manners
are not optional. If you don't know the
rules of etiquette. learn them. And by the
way, modern men do these things not be-
cause we think women want us to (though
functional intelligence and good manners
are usually all it takes to get the girl of your
dreams). It doesn't matter what women
want. We follow the rules of etiquette be-
cause it’s the right thing to do, and a mod-
ern man always tries to do what's right

First-date analysis: By the end of the
first date, vou will have a well-developed
impression not of who your date actually is
but of who you fervently hope she may be.
Try your best to separate the two, since any
confusion you bring forward from this
point on will only haunt you later

A final first-date tip: The chances are,
shell never look better to you than she
does after the first date.

The second date is a confirming circum-
stance in which your fantasy characteri-
zation will either hold water or not.
Consequently, second dates should be cas-
ual and somewhat briefer thau first dates.
If she even comes close to meeting the ex-
pectations you projected during the first
date, youll find yourself in a state of mili-
tant euphoria after you drop her off. Cool
down. Any willful self-deception at this
point will come back to haunt you later.

And one other thing about second dates:
They are as important to her as they are
to you. She's not sitting there with you
because theres nothing good on TV.
Now is your chance to use all that body-
lingo garbage you've been reading in wom-

ens magazines. Watch for dilated pupils,
excessive laughter at your lamest one-lin-
ers, presenting behavior—lots of breast
thrusting, preening and leaning into vour
conversation—and touching. Especially
touching.

The third date is crucial. If your third
date goes well. you're a goner. On the basis
of knowing a woman for only a few hours,
you'll have made a significant emotional
investment. You will have given someone
you barely know mount of
power over the happiness in your life. Con
sequently, a good third date can last for
months, even ye:

Conversely; it can also plant the seeds of
the romances destruction. Look at the
danger signals. How much objectivity can
you muster? After all, thosc assumptions
you made about her on the first, second.
and third dates may all be wrong,
thing you'll find out much, much later

n enormous

rs.

ic-

THE FIRST BREAKFAST DATE

Ts a classic mistake to confuse sex with
love. You'll know the difference between
fucking and making love when it happens.
Until then, you can assume that sex has no
intrinsic meaning for her or for you

Your place or hers? M. your first over-
nighter occurs at her place, you're still on
probation. You'll see the museum of her
life, but only the exhibits she has selected
for public viewing: Everything is there for
a reason. If some other guy's raincoat is on
a coat hook, she knows it and she knows
what it mcans to you.

On the other hand, when she decides
that she wants to be with you on your turf,
shes exhibiting a meaningful measure of
trust. If you stay at her place, you'll be ex-
pected to leave in the morning. I she stays
at your place, she'll expect to stay forever

Moving in: A woman moves in figura-
tively long before she shows up with the ex-
tra stereo. Women come with a congenital
ability to seduce with domestic subtlety,
Suddenly, your home life is decorated with
all the ornaments of comfort—socks are
dispatched to drawers, maybe, or theres a
sudden defoliation of the refrigerator
That first hopeful fantasy of a life of
home-grown comfort starts to become a
reality, and pretty soon, you'd rather not
live at all than live without it.

A FINAL REMINDER

There is an objective world out ther
and you should try 10 visit it as often as
possible, especially when you're falling in
love. Try to bear in mind. for example, that
there 15 no universal standard of beauty,
and no matter how good-looking your
sweetie is to you, to somebody else, she's so-
so al best. In your infatuated, druglike
state, she's the most talented, the most ir
telligent, the funniest, most sensitive wom-
an on the planet. To your pals out therc,
she's just some girl laboring under your
squidlike preoccupation. In faci, to them,
frankly, she's your problem, not theirs

THAT CH

TING HEART
(continued from page 134)
Not just someone you meet at a bar or take
off a street corner: a girlfriend
“I'm not talking about sex here,” Lenny

said 10 me, st

ing at me as if I were a
cobra ready to strike. “I'm talking about
falling in love.”

God. | thought, I knew it. Tell me about
your galluones or your proctosigmoid
oscopy. Bur please, not about love. lt
hurts 100 much. Even to listen. But 1 said
nothing and Lenny went on

“Tes that feeling you have when youre in
the sixth grade or at junior prom or at the
end of the best date of your whole life. Ies
the feeling that you've met someone so
wonderful, someone who makes you feel
so good that you're not going to die. It’s
that feeling of spring in the East, of the
little fishies swimming upstream in your

blood, of every edge being sharp. of every
color being ‘Technicolor

“Tes chat feeling that life has just begun,
It just started the minute the elevator door
slid shut and you leaned forward to kiss
her and she shut her light-blue eyes and
opened her mouth and kissed back. At
that moment, there is no such thing as
death. There's just that moist, warm kiss
and a feeling that life is a gracefully arch-
ing skyrocket that will burst sometime, but
the burst will go on forever

“Do you honestly think that anyone
would give up that feeling just because he
got married?” Lenny said. "Who would
give up that feeling for anything?”

"Of course,” E said. “But you know it
never lasts.”

Lenny stubbed out his cigarette and lit
another, then waved the match around as
if it were a pointer. “Of course it never
lasts,” he nodded, “But I'm not talking
about the smell of a new car. Im talking
about the ultimate euphoria of the human
condition. I'm talking about the temporary
but extremely sound defeat of death, and
I'm not giving that up.

“By the way, do you think Em the only
man on my block who has affairs after he
gets married?”

"I know you're not,” I said.

“You bet you know it,” Lenny said, smil-
ing and drinking his Scotch. 71 really be-
lieve I am speaking for every one of them
when I say that 1 dont want to give up that
feeling of love. Eros versus Thanatos:
We're not giving up the Eros part of the
equation, even if we know we're doing
something wrong, according to some peo-
ple. Life is wo precarious. If you take out
balancing the death ball
nothing between here and there ex-
cept down, down, down, down, and I want
to avoid that trip for as long as | can."

Lenny looked at me like the mind reader
he is and went on. “Of course, I lov
wife. How could E not love her? But lve
known her for twenty-two years. She's not
that new face, those new lips. Yes, shes a

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queen, but she's not the first kiss in spin the
bottle. She's my wife.

“Lenny,” I said, “you're an addict.”
Exactly,” Lenny said, nodding energeti-
cally. “The hook is in my flesh, right to the
bone. That hook is so strong that it keeps
me in Kathys oi And before her, in
Lisa-Marie’s orbit and Terry's orbit. I take
her to The Palm and she asks me to intro-
duce her to other men who can get her
important jobs. I take her to my class and
she flirts with the star tennis player in th
back row. She does it and then she stare:
me when I call her a psycho bitch, and sl
says, "You're married, Lenny.

But then there

re the moments when
she's lying in bed with me, showing me her
high school yearbook and | think, Dear
God, these are from eight years ago, when
I was already pretty near middle age. Je-
sus, this kid is doing cart wheels in front of
her high school, and now she's here with
her head on my shoulde

1 put up with her anger, because those
moments are perfect Lucite instants that
make me feel asif I'm outside time, outside
history, outside entropy. Dont get me
wrong. A lot of the ume with Kathy, |
feel as if the entire Czech soccer team were
kicking me in the teeth. But when I see the
head on my shoulder, it’s all worth while,
It’s worth anythi

‘Then theres another thing. Im a
lawyer. I also teach a class in law. Lam alse
the father of a little and two German
shepherds. Those jobs involve cleaning up.
an incredible amount of shit, human and
animal. In fact, I often feel as if my whole
life is putting shit into a brown-paper bag
for someone else, then scaling it up in plas-
tic and waiting for someone to take it away,
and then no one ever does.

Except" Lenny added. almost breath-
lessly, “when I fall in love. Then everything
comes together. Then the shit is someone
elses problem. The repetitiveness, the ug-
liness, the boredom, the feeling that life is
just incredibly short and Um wasting what
little of it there is just disappears. Its just
gone. Gar nicht.

"The girl who stops me on the corner in
Beverly Hills and oflers me a bite of her
yogurt. The woma nks who asks me
if 1 go there often. The woman down the
hall who wants help with something she's
iting. "Gimme shele:
It's just a shot aw aid.

'And you know what comes last? The
eat. Somel
so, Sometimes it's so filled with guil and
conflict that it's barely there. When it's
great, its euphoria. h's everything in my
life lining up where it’s supposed to be. it's
all of my confidence and everything strong
in me bursting out in a major way, so that
when I'm in court, I know the judge is go-
ing to buy my arguments, and when lm
king with the general counsel of a cor-
poration, | know hes going to hire our
firm to do his work. When the sex is really
happening, irs rockabye sweet baby Lenny,

and I feel powerful and confident and ag-
gressive and peaceful all at the same time.

“But the photos of the debate team, with
Kathy standing up at a battered table, are
every bit as valuable.

Of course, | have pals I play cards with
who tell me that the real thrill is getting
away with something. They like the con-
cy" Lenny said. “And 1 have still oth-
nds who do it pure and simple to
back at their wives. Marriages sometimes
go on lor a long time. Men and women in
those marriages ine
that hurts. The night the wife got drunk
and passed out when the boss was at din-
ner. The night the wife said she had a
headache and th ed up reading for
two hours. The day the hubby won a big
case and the wile didi say a word. A hus-
band can even the score for a lot of those
by taking another woman to bed.”

Lets play Global Thermonuclear War”
T said.

“Yes, lets.” Lenny said. “In the bed-
room.” He started to pick at imaginary lint
on his silk jacket, and then he went back 10
his story. “Then there's the power aspect
The idea of the potentate of Baghdad, only
he’s in Beverly Hills. The law may say he
can have only one wife, but his power is too
great for that, He can have as many girl-
friends as he has time and personality for
I know for a fact that there are men in Los
Angeles who have filly mistresses st
around town. It’s the ca

in dis pure pow

But Um not talking about that situa-
tion.” Lenny said. He got up and walked
over to my stereo and looked at the CD. “I
love Abbey Road, too.” he said. "m not
talking about that power game or getting
back at my wife. Les not that. Its something
else. Irs falling in love,

“In a way thats a lot me
because if vou make an appointment with
a callgirl and she misses the date, you don’
lose any sleep over it. But when you fall in
love, you're gambling with your selfre
spect and your future, and that's a big
gamble. "You play around, you lose your
J the song goes. You play too long, vou

ably do something

e dangerous,

wile,

lose your life.
I know that song,"
“Still.” Lenny said, he
pursued by my dogs,
Fm interested in playing. Kathy will disap-
pear, just like the others. My wife is per
fect, and I hope shell be «d lor all
1 then, Pd like to keep falling
in love for all eternity.
"They say that falling
ful, and even if they're only half-right,
that’s enough
Lenny stopped and walked over 10 my
chair. He pa
Em going to sleep,” he said, “if Lean sleep.”
He said that and then he opened the
door, walked out into the Hollywood night

and was yone

ng for the door,
irs the only game

eternity; b

n love is wonder-

ied me on the shoulder. “Now

HONEYMOON HOTELS

(continued from page 124)

“Tuesday, people hug, share the same wad of chewing
gum. Saturday, people drink and heckle the comedian."

the night on a dammy rubber
you did in childhood. But mirrors, belie’
me, are still erotic. There will be 12 of you
at any given moment in any Pocono resort
This induc lubricious ménage à trois
sensation. 1 mean, you and that guy with
boils on his behind are both turf. build-
ing the missis. Subjectivity and objecti
ity interpenetrate. There may even be a
homosexual twinge. Making love with
Moompsie is so glorious, so dreamlike that.
1 find it reassuring to wave at myself just
before completion, to make sure I'm really
there.

With the spotlights on here and there,
our room looked rather like a natural-
history-museum diorama: HOMO SAPIENS IN
MATING rosture, maybe. With lights out,
you could cripple yourself trying to find a
leak. Open one wrong door and you could
step out through your Champagne Tow-
er—ateeeee—goombye. But they'd bury
you in tasteful decor: plum and rose, Erté
art deco. Are the Champagne Tower suites
a success? you ask. Well each co:
$100,000, They started with 16 at Cove
Haven. Now they have 136 ar all four re-
sorts. Guess.

There has been amicable but piss-ex-
pensive competition among resorts. It is
the most American sort of war—a war
over plumbing. Pocono Gardens Lodge
people threw down the gasket when they
began to install their Roman-style sunken
tub. Then came Morris Wilkins, inventor
of the heart-shaped tub in 1963. Around
1973, Wilkins struck again: He invented.
the in-room swimming pool. Everyone
had to take that plunge. By 1982, the Sum-
mit had retaliated. It put both acuzzi
and a swimming pool in its priciest room.
But Wilkins wasnt through. He saw the
Jacuzzi and raised it seven feet up.

“Most of us now call ourselves couples
resorts rather than honeymoon resorts,”
Tony Farda, manager of the Summit, said.
“The vacation couple has become more im-
portant to us. But we still have honey-
mooners, because
its midweek.” No one would mistake Tue:
day for Saturday at a Pocono resort. Mid-
week, there is this foolish glaze of love
around—the kind you see in a beagle pup-
pys sha
the same wad of chewing gum. They feel
cach other up at dinner. Saturday, people
drink a lot and heckle the comedian,

Michael Wilkins, Morris’ son, said, "Now
probably less ihan half our business is hon-
cymoon."

And that half has changed. “They've

gouen much older" Farda said. The
groom in a prototypical first marriage is
25; his wife, 23. They've traveled. They've
seen a Jacuzzi before. Average combined
income is around $30,000; about 45 per-
cent have a college degree. Only 20 pe
cent of the women are "housewives" Ar
they venturesome sexually? Just check out
the gift shop at Cove Haven. You have a
sex-toy department right out of Peep-
O-Rama on 42nd Street. Joy Jell. Motion
Lotion. Dildos. Fart, the Game. Even,
I was perplexed to sce, an inflatable-s
doll collection.

On that rococo note, I'll flip to:

3. Laughing at sex, This is the debatable
and threatening aspect of Pocono love.
Mind, now, ribald, exaggerative humor
a hallowed place in our sexual canon; I re-
alize that. But it has always been primarily
male stag-show stuff. Often during our vi-
carious honeymoon, we were nudged to
the hem of puerile tastelessness—and even
cruelty. It was as if, in the midst of all that
mountain green, deer and raccoons, rag-
weed pollen and insect lile, we had come
across a jaded urban burlesque house,
Moompsie and Pumpsie were never at ease
with this. It gave us an ambivalent pleas-
ure, the kind you get, say, eating sunburn
peel from some beautiful woman's shoul-
der blade—sensuous, infantile, vaguely

ENT, SLEEP, Go

HWE THe LIFE,
OLD BUDDY,

FoR A WALK; bu SURE

cannibalistic. We could surmise potential
for damage: After all, the sexuality here
just nubile, not hardened.

zing part of yourself in the
gross and absurd may be healthy—as long
as it is not too large a part of you. For, in
fact, laughter has forever been the natural
foe of hard-ons and dignit
The game program is dangerous and
childish. And, yes, I admit, popular.
Moompsie and Pumpsie sat
snide, taulerale newlywed ga
one seemed eager to
n status. There is a sort of.

achieve vici

foolish bravado in this, as well as good
lewd

Because, under

os
ploded. Her sm, for
may have been a loveful performance. In
sex, asin most human enterprises, honesty
is an overrated virtue.

We learned—not that it was any €
business—the following dirt

Which women had on what color under-
pants (most wore )

The pet name for his yang (Enormous
Heat-seeking Moisture Missile, Robodick
and Fred) and for her love glove (Alice,
Gertrude and One Size Fits All).

The most interesting place they had
made love (bed, bed, bed and in their stu-
dent lounge at school).

How many times they'd made love since
Sunday—and this was Thursday (20,
eight, four and, yes, one, “Well,” she told
's been drunk every night but Tues-
he record, since you ask, for a week
at Cove Haven is 69, or once every two and
a half hours, night and day).

There are cross-cultural equivalents to

our

You TRY SHITTING
IN A SNOWEANK
SomeT IME

151

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this group experience. It is, first and obvi-
ously, a rite of passage. Certain humilia-
tions are essential, as they are, for instance,
when one has just traversed the equator.
But that isa general correspondence. More
to the point, our Pocono weck reminded
me of some tribal marriage ceremony. In
Africa, columns of nubile women dance,
with provocative accent, “against” their
husbands-to-be. Sensuous display will oc-
cur. But there is derision and humorous
challenge, as well. It all announces an end
to male promiscuity and the harnessing of
his dangerous, disruptive libido. Pocono
prurience—obscene joke and voyeuristic
behavior—is, in fact, sublimation. Lan-
guage has taken the place of performance,
all symbolized neatly later when, on
H ian Night at Cove Haven. Honest
Phil put his men in effeminate grass skirts
and made them hula for their women.
Honest Phil Policaire, social director at
Jove Haven since 1972, is the Great God
Hymen himself. Honest Phil looks like an
xtremely intelligent horse or the bastard.
child of Huntz Hall and. your. coatrack.
Vulgar beyond belief, sentimental be
belief, energetic, wily, vain and ui
ing, sly and innocent—that is to say, an
American of the most attractive sort. You
sense that no womb at Cove Haven is hos-
pitable to conception, no sperm fertile un-
tilit has been blessed by Phil.

Honest Phil lives in the shadowland be-
tween good dirty fun and fighting words.
It is a matter, ultimately, of tone and tim-
——as in shitté, his leitmotiv, his refi
The word was ‘Oh. shit’ But people wrote
10 management and said, ‘Oh, shit was
very vulgar for a Caesars honeymoon re-
sort. So we made it shitté [pronounced ‘shit-
tay] It means the same thing, but it
sounds loreign. I haven't had a complaint
yeu"

I said to Phil, as he opened his third
pack of cigarettes that day. “So, what's the
funniest thing you've ever seen or heard
around here?"

"Well"—he thought a bit—"well, there
was this real young couple. I was having
breakfast and I heard someone ask them if
they'd enjoyed their in-room pool. And
the guy said, "Darn it, no. We forgot to
bring our bathing suits.’ Spit my food out, I
laughed so hard.

But reconsider for one moment, as Phil
and I did then. See instead two young chil-
dren, not stupid. but shy. Two who, over-
modest about their bodies, have just made
love for the first time without any light
on, See them now standing, hand in hand,
beside their beautiful and expensive
pool—because they are too bashful for a
skinny-dip together.

The sweetness of newlywed love. Oh, we

could weep.

CASANOVAS 6H081

(continued from page 97)
respond. Look, she's crossing her legs!
That's very significant. She's fidgeting!
You're getting to her."

Shut up!" Riley hissed. He hated the
way Casanova followed him around and
popped up at embarrassing moments, car-
rying on a dialog that only he and Riley
could hear or parücipate in. How many
years had this been going There
“asanova was, floating in the air close to
iley's shoulder, a ghost in miniature, a
bantam phantom, a little figure about six
inches high who haunted Riley’s days and
nights and irritated him no end. As always,
Casanova was wearing his court clothes.
knicker and frock coat—
but everything was slightly seedy, the wig
poorly powdered, the vest in tatters,

^L suppose you're right," Vanessa said
brightly. “Writers never have enough mon-
ey to pay for much of anything, do they

"Nope, Riley said, laughing. He was
trying to ignore Casanova, who had moved
through the air and was currently peeking
into Vanessa's blouse.

"Grazie, grazie," Casanova chortled.
“What beautiful breasts! Long nipples, I'm
sure, very responsive nipples that feel
everything, and theres a scent he
Casanova was sniffing like a bloodhound
hovering perilously close to Vanessa's
neckline—“what a wonderfully clean
woman, shes wearing hand lotion, aloc-
cactus oil, E think, with a tench of straw-
berry fragrance. Bellissimo, molio bene!”
Casanova kissed his finger tips in joy

sreat view!" Riley said to Vanessa. He
coughed once into his fist and nodded to-
ward her office window. Chicago Business
Magazine had an unbeatable location just
south of the river on Michigan Avenue.
From where he sat, Riley could see the
Tribune Tower and the Wrigley Building,
landmarks of that magnificent skyline with
which he'd grown up. And this day. the
summer solstice of 1988, was a Chicago
special, a sky of Midwestern blue, the air
clear and clea

anova chortled. He was
gliding along the office ceiling, staring out
the window at the Michigan Avenue
Bridge. “Look at the wind twirt those
dresses! Look at those legs! 1 love it, I love
it!” He flew down and sat like a leprechaun,
astride Vanessa's trim ankle. "Giddy-up!"
He laughed as he bounced to her beat

"It is a great view,” Vanessa said to Riley.
"But I think we may lose it soon. Ivs a bit
pricey. Warner thinking of moving the
ollice."

“Where to?” Riley asked. He tried to
look sincere and businesslike, composed
and sexless. That was what Vanessa €:
pected, wasn't it? Casanova had told Riley
that women these days wanted asexu.
professionalism at first, so Riley was dete!
mined to give it, He'd be neutral, rational,
reserved, factual, orderly, against intima-
cy, very much in favor of getting the job

done, without flirtation, a supposedly sex
less, nonthreatening drone in the new
American workplace. He didn't do any of
that well, but he tried.

“loo much desire in the eyes, Riley!”
Casanova yelled. He was still bouncing on
sa's ankle. "Cut the heat.
Vanessa said, gesturing. "Some-
where behind the Merchandise Mart, I
think. Much better price per square foot.”

“Real estate,” Casanova called. “Talk
real estate—her condo, your condo, hot
neighborhoods, location. location, loca
tion—you know the routine."

Riley tried to ignore his mentor. “You're
from New York City?” he d

A sharp sound pierced the air. Casanova
was whistling through his teeth. “Time
out!” he yelled, pounding his palm on his
fingers. “Whoa, hold your horses! Time!
It was maddening. Casanova could freeze
time and carry on a conversation with Ri-
ley that contained, in that nanosecond, an
annoving mixture of advice and criticism.
You don't bring up New York City. Ri-

: said in exasperation as he
jumped to the floor. "She gave you no indi-
cation that she wants to talk about it. You
don’t know what it represents to her. Re-
member the rules? Follow her lead. Make
her comfortable. Acquiesce. You're The
New Man talking to The New Woman”
“Real estate bores me,” Riley griped. He
ated these debates with Casanova. They
were so drainin;

“What are you here for, Riley? To enter-

to be ent
He was on Vanessas desk now,
sitting on the edge of her computer key-
board. "All great seducers are entertain-
ers. Besides, youre no spring chicken,
buster. You've got to work for it. You're al.
most forty and you'r ng a lot of hai
and carrying a few extra pounds. You may
think you look like Nick Nolte, but nobody
else does." € nova raised his arm and
whistled once more. “Play ball!” he yelled.

Because, being from New York, I'd
think you'd find the real-estate prices in
Chicago easier to deal with.” Riley said. He
took a deep breath.

“Definitely,” Vanessa said. She smiled
brightly. showing her perfect white teeth,
then took off on her own story line about
real-estate agents and mortgage rates and
condo assessments and a cranky fireplace

nova

y listened in his intensive mode, the
beast on the prowl, in heat and unstop-
pable. He took in Vanessa's every signal,
the movement of her eyes, the tilt of her
neck, the pace of her words. He was ab-
ict that was as instinctual
thing. Riley inhaled women
as often as he could. They were his stimu-
lant and comfort.

‘Check list, Riley, said while
Vanessa talked. He had his arms folded
across his chest as he leaned back against
the computer.

^] cant stop looking at her hair,” Riley
said. “It’s Irish-setter hair, isn’t it? Red as

rust. An amazing color."

greed," Casanova smiled. "Beauti-

ful.

She's about twenty-eight, maybe thirty.
She's neat. Look at her desk. Nothing out
of place. I's intimidating, this neatne:
Look, she lines up her paper clips ona tr
What can I say? No family pictures, noth-
i£ personal in her office. She's an editor
on a career path, an executive on the fi
track, So what else is new? There are mil-
lions of women like that now. She wouldn't
be interested in me, would she?

[here's potential here.” Casanova said.
“She chews her pencils. She licks her lips a
lot. Shes very oral. White panty hose and
red pumps and a very lacy bra. A Van
Gogh print on the wall, a Shirvan hanging
by the door. This is not a colorless woman,
Riley She's filled with passion and she
doesn't know where to put it.” Casanova

paused. "She aches for it. 1 promise you,
she aches for it."
“Yon don't know that,” Riley scoffed.

She's terrified of sex. She's an ice queen.”
“Y know her. I know her.” Casanova said.
ve seen her kind before—wonderful,
anxious women who need it and deny they
need it at the same time. They're all over
the place these days. Reminds me of a con-
lessa | met—gorgeaus c ved two
canals over from St. Mark
tended to be colder than the Alps, snotty,
severe, scared every man she met
even looks like her. Same tight little mouth,
ne hunch to the shoulders. The contessa
« dying for love. I could see
when we passed in the piazz
to her one evening at a ball
Without saving a word or introducing my
self, 1 pulled the back of her hand down to
my groin. ‘My cape is in the atrium; she
id without missing a beat. We were in her
gondola in ten minutes. I made love to that
woman all night before she asked me my
name. "Giacomo Girolamo Casanova, at
mr service, contessa, Y said. It was dawn
and we were passing under the Bridge of
Sighs. She had pulled the drapes back.
The sunrise in Venice is like a sunrise in
heaven, Riley. and | remember that mo-
ment as if it were vesterday"

“I was two hundred years

in her eyes
I sidled up
a the palace.

ago,” Riley

said.
Yes, but it seems like yesterday”
Casanova smiled.

Youre ancient,” Riley said. “You're a

relic from another age.
Casanova laughed.

change, Riley."

And you, Riley?” Vanessa was

Me?” Riley panicked. He had

listening carefully.

you. Hello in

Some things never

ing.
iot been

there, Anybody

? Well, I don't know, I guess I
asking vou about your condo as-
vents." Casanova whispered.

1 don't own." Riley said quickly. "No as-
enis, I rent. Old Town. Upper floor
of a brownstone. Eve got a great landlady,
She hasni raised my rent for years. She

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PLAYBOY

154

says it's her contribution to the arts." Riley
ghed, a little too forcefully. He hated
his own eagerness and anxiety, his relent-
less desire, He wanted so many women so
much of the time.

“Life in the Fast Lane.” Vanessa
cleared her throat as she read from Riley's
‘ou'd do a profile of a
commodities broker, a day in the life of,
that sort of thing?

“Yes,” Riley said, nodding.

"You think you could do a profile that re-
ally touches the reader?"

"Yes." I could touch you, Riley thought; I
could touch you because you want to be
touched, because you arc as sick of the sex-
ual wars as I am, because your life is as
pale as minc.

“You could explain what a day in com-
moditics is like, how people handle money
and losses, how they relax —if they relax?
Vanessa asked.

“I think I have some good sources,” Ri-
ley said. “I could pull it off."

“Her day!" Casanova called through
cupped hands. “Get her talking about her
day!"

“Besides,” Riley said, “I've got some-
thing better than sources."

“And that is?” Vanessa asked, smiling.

"I love it! She likes to be teased!"

Casanova clapped.

“Intuition,” Riley said.

“Oh, I see. ale? Isn't that a
contradiction in terms: sked.

“Not really. I can intuit y
it. We've never met before, but I think I
know Riley said.

"You do, do you?”
ic!" Casanova cheered.

"Yes," Riley said.

Be my guest," Vanessa said, gesturing,
ley took a breath. “You didnt tell m
where you live, but I think its near Lincoln
Park. You take the one-fifty-one bus to
work. You like to shop at Crate and Barrel,
Your fathers a lawyer. Your mothers a
ate agent. In New York City.”

Scarsdale,” she said, absorbed. She held
a pencil eraser to her lips and smiled as she
listened. Her eyes seemed suddenly moist

“Breakfast!” Casanova prompted.

"You eat oatmeal for breakfast—after
you've run three miles in the park. Vc
havea cat. You hate dogs. You belong to the
Art Institute. You spent a summer ii
France and you want to go back. When
you're depressed, you drink a bottle of cx-

p Burgundy and listen to Mozart.
“You sure its not Brahms?” Casanova
asked.
“Mozart!” Riley said through gritted
teeth.

“Her bath!” Casanova said.
Not vet." Riley shook his head.

"Yes, now!" Casanova ordered. “Pounce!”

"You bathe with oatmeal soap," Riley
went on, trying to see Vanessa at home, u:
ing the intuition Casanova had urged him
to cultivate, “you have a whirlpool in your
bathtub and a vibrating shower hcad ——"
That’s enough!” Vane: id, breath-
ing deeply

“And a lime-green shower curtain, and
you use hand lotion, different kinds, hun-
dreds of small bottles of hand lotion you've
ked up in hotels when youtravel —
Enough!" Vanessa's voice broke.

Casanova whistled. “Avanti!” he said.

‘And you let your cat sit on the edge of
the tub whenever you're in it, whatever
you're doing,” Riley said rapidly. “And you

“I really appreciate all your help, but
I can handle it from here.”

use large pink towels, very sofi, very warm
from your towel warmer, and you wear big
furry slippers afier you've oiled your feet
ind trimmed your toenails—

“Thars enough!"
aising her palms toward Riley as if to
push him away “Please! Enough."

Riley shifted in his chair. He w;
out of breath. “All right,” he said.

Vanessa stared at the article proposal.
She seemed disheveled. She had slumped
in her chair. The room was silent except
for the white noise of the computer. She bit
her lip. “Chats very good," she said quiet-
ly "Thats really very good.
Dont we make a great trio?”
asked proudly “Pounce, Rile
b her and kiss her!

nova

Kiss her!

“No!

‘Seize the moment, Riley!
io!"

Casanova broke into a chant.
scared of women, Riley's
en.”

“You don't exist, Casanova,

“Ido for you, paesano:

“I wish you'd go away.”

o chance, Riley. Im your buddy for

Riley said.

life.

“You don't sound like a count. You dont
sound like you're from Venice. And how
could you be two hundred years old? Im-
possible. You're just a ghost, a hallucina-
tion, a figment of my imagination. | can get
rid of you whenever I want to.”

“Oh. yeah?” Casano aghed. “Just try

“OK. wise guy. I will!” Riley snapped his
fingers loudly and sh.
Tm still here. nu
chorıled.

Riley snapped his fingers again. The
sound reverberated in the office.

Vanessa looked up with a frown. “I beg
your pardon?" she said toughly. There wa
an enormous change in emotion. It was as
if a cold wind had swept through the office
Ice formed on everything, thick, fierce ice
that coated. filing cabinets, bookshelves,
mail trays, the carpet itself. “You think I'm
a waitress, perhaps? Or do you snap your
fingers at all the women you meet?

“No!” Riley blu: nd shivered. He
pulled his hands into his lap. He wanted to
crush his offending fingers into
He searched wildly lor an excuse, an ex-
planation, a way out of hell. “I snap m
fingers when Um thinking,” he stam-
mered. “It’s a habit, a nervous habit.

“Oh, Riley,” Casanova moaned. “You

blew it, You had her and you blew it!
“Let's get on with it, shall wc?” Vanessa
id briskly: She sat up in her chair: cleared
her throat, tucked her feet under her desk,
made some notes on a legal pad. “How
soon can you get us a first draft

"Stall!" Casanova argued. “Play for time.”

“Til need ex
sand that sort

nova

hed

alcium.

penses.
of thing, And a kill fee.

(ou re not stalling.” Casanova warned.
“Youre forgetting love for business? I dont
understand that.
«penses within reason are all right,"
Vanessa said. "How about a mid-August
dline? We'll have to keep the kill fee
. Warners a bear about that” She
made sharp, slanting notes on the pad.
Her back was very straight.
lly screwed t
id.

“Two thousa
Vanessa asked.

“Let's try four thousand,” Riley said, try-
ing to smile. He hated. negotiating. with
women.

“Oh, go for it," Casanova said cynically
“Nothing sexier than a business deal.

“That's a little high for us,” Vanessa said.
“I can't go over twenty-five hundred.

“She's lying,” Casanova said.

“Thirty-two hundred?" Riley asked.

"Cant do it.” Vanessa shook her head.
“Twenty-eight hundred is tops and Im go-
ing over my line at that.

“You've completely screwed it up, Riley,”
Casanova said, shaking his head. "When
she talks dollars, she's in her cocoon, shes a
butterfly in ambe:

"OK." Riley nodded at Vanessa.

"Done," Vanessa agreed. She reached
out and pumped Riley's hand with one
sharp shak

"Oh, great," Casanova said. "One sec-
ond you've almost got her on the floor, now
you're shaking hand

“Tm looking forward to working with
you, Riley,” Vanessa said as she stood. She
tugged precisely on her jacket, straight-
ened her bow tie.

Me, too,” Riley said.
“Lame, lame,” Casano

up, Riley,”

nd dollars for the le?

ducked.

lost it. Ask her out to lunch or something.
Save it!”
“Well, i's been good meeting you,”

Vanessa said. She looked at her wrist
watch. Every movement was controlled,
premeditated. “I have a phone conference
in five minutes."

"You wouldn't have time for lunch,
would you?" Riley asked as casually as he
could.

"Sorry" Vanessa said, shaking her head.

“I mean, 1 could come back after your
phone conference—" Riley stopped talk-
ing. He was looking into corporate eyes,

eyes that had. completely dismissed. him
minutes ago.

“Sorry” Vanessa said again without
smiling. As she led Riley down the office
corridor, her heels clicked like ice picks on
the tile floor
oure lei Casanova laughed.
“Oh, cute! We walk down the hall, she
shakes your hand, the doors close, you're
out in the cold! Hello. Goodbye. Nice to

er you."

Casanova sat like a parrot on Ri
shoulder in the empty ele:
eflective performance, Riley. If I'd acted
like that, you never. would've heard of
me. Persistence and endurance. All great

lovers have persistence and endurance.
And no fear of rejection—none at all. I
remember once in Piombi Prison—lead-
tile roof, hot in the summer, freezing in
the winter—the jailers wife, Carmen was
her name, beautiful woman, enormous
brea:

“Shut up, Casanova, Riley said as he
walked through the lobby and into the
sunshine.

7 Just before they exiled me, they threw
me in jail because Id written this memoir
about all the rich women I'd seduced ——"
“Casanova,” Riley sighed, "would you
give ita break?”

“What are you going to do, huh, Riley
How many empty evenings have you got
ahead of you for the rest of your life?
You're not doing so well, you know that,
kid? I mean, how many times can you work
out at the club and pretend that you're
happ

Casanova chattered on. Riley walked
north toward his favorite coffeehouse. He
turned onto Rush Street and ran smack
into an outdoor art fair, booth after booth
of paintings and pottery and wood carv-
ings and photographs. crowds of people
mingling slowly down the dosed street in
the afternoon sun, the smells of grilled
food, the sound of music from loud-speak-
ers.

“All right!

Casanova applauded. “This
is my Kind of market place!” He stood up
suddenly on Riley's shoulder, sniffing the
like a bird dog. “I'm onto something;
id with urgency. He tugged on Riley's
nose in different
mown hay. The

he
ear lobe and pointed hi
"Lemons. New

sniffing, too. “Got it," he said,
touch of baby powder. And
coconut suntan cream. Banana-oil base,
maybe?”

emon hair conditioner Casanova
said. He coughed and waved aside a surge
of barbecue smoke, "Straight ahead. Its

getting stronger. Whoa! Right, forty-five
degrees, Riley, or you'll lose it. She's her
somewhere.

ad. “Booth seventy-si

"Yubba dubba doo, iley Booth seventy-
six! Long, tall,
Bears T-shirt, pink bikini bottoms, shower
shoes, great tan, great teeth! We could love
her, Riley did a swan dive to-
ward the pavement, circled the booth,
went back to Riley's shoulder. “Not a bad
photographer, either. I like her stuff. Cow-
boys and Indians. You think she took these
herself?”

‘You took these yourself, right?” Riley
asked the woman, She was sitting in a lawn
chair by her booth, smiling at Riley as he
studied her pictures, Lisa Deneuve was the
me on the photographs. “L mean, these
look like the wild West from a hundred
years ago.

“Ivy still the wild West in some places,”
she said, laughing as she stood up.
^L love her,” Casanova said dreamily. He

jumped omo Lisa's shoulder and held on to

her ponytail. “I want her. You'd better be
good, Riley”

Riley was good. He was superb. He
pulled out every stop, talked. cameras
and darkrooms, history and genocide.
Remington and Sitting Bull. He praised
pictorial composition. sepia coloring, the
interaction of light and shadow, thc vi
tues of black-and-white photography, film
speeds and Hash attachments He e:
pounded on the outlaw in all men, the ete:
nal cowboy in their hearts, his own urge
for a life on the range. alcoholism on the
reservation, the loss of the soul through
the photographers lens, environmental
folly, corporate criminality, political cow-
ardice, He even lied and claimed ranch-
hand ancestors, rodeo progenitors. Riley
was so good that Casanova didn't interrupt
him for an hour.

“You know, I've always wanted to do a
book about today’s cowboys and Indi
Lisa said. “But Im a photographes
writer. I cant do the tex
There you go, lite fella! An intro from
heaven. Think you can screw this one up.
t00?" Casanova prodded. “Maybe you
could push her into that charcoal grill or
something."

Riley looked condescendingly at Casa-
nova. “Just watch me, wop,” he said. And
to Lisa: "Em a writer. Maybe I could help."
Do you think you could?” She smiled.
Sure,” Riley said. “We'd have to wor
out the details."

But you might help me write it?
asked.

aybe," Riley
‘Oh, you'd be perfect clapped her
hands. "You understand my work. And
you come from a family of cowbovs——
ke that bullshit artists——" Gas-
anova scoffed.

“And we could be partners!”

“Well, there are details,” Riley intoned,
proud of his self-control. “We'd have to
work out a contract, how we'd split the
profits if there were any, who gets rights 10
what, that sort of thing."
faybe we should talk about that.” Li
smiled a prairie-goddess smile.

“Maybe,” Riley said.

“I close up the booth about n
said, “if you'd like to come by then.
could have some coffee

"Sounds good to me;

" Lisa

s" she
We

: ley said. laugh-
ing.

Lisa shook Rileys hand vigorously
“You're on!

‘You're in!” Casanova cheered. “How to.
o. jerk. You did OK.” He stopped. “But
what about that commodities article, Ri
ley? You've got a deadline to meet

“Deadline?” Riley said, smiling. "Dead-
le to be broken."
m that, dont you?"

$ time,

2° Riley said. Th
ful not to make the gestu

[v]

he was ci

155

PLAYBOY

156

YOU'RE IN LOVE

(continued from page 87)
something good.
DR. RUTH WESTHEIMER (sex therapist): When
your heart beats fast. When suddenly, the
world looks wonderful. When you're very
nice to all people—people you usually
can't stand —you see them with different
eyes. When you suddenly have a surge of
energy and even tedious tasks seem to be.
finished much faster.
DAVE BARRY (humoris): When you lend
your car to a woman and she calls you up
and says she had an accident and the
first thing you say is “Are you all right?"
HANK WILLIAMS, JR. (country singer): When
you're washing your hair more than twice
à week.
JUDY TENUTA (stand-up comic) When
you've put your love pig through law school

and he leaves you for a fetus in candy
pants, and then you still tattoo his name on
your back porch.

RICK OCASEK (musician): You think the per-
son you're with is the most important thing
you crazy. H's a form

in your life. It make
of insanity:

SHEENA EASTON (singer): ‘Things can get a
little out of hand. When I'm in love, I go
from frantically checking my phone ma-
chine for messages to cating pints and
pints of Häagen-Dazs chocolate chocolate
chip—I mean, anything chocolate.

LARRY GATLIN (musician): It's kinda like
when you've got something in your eye. It’s
just a little bitty thing—about the size of a
pinhead—but it feels like the Rock of
Gibraltar.

MADONNA (singer): No comment.

"I see lovemaking as a gourmet feast—right
now, we're marinaling”

SLEEP WITH WOMEN
(continued from page 86)
chaisc longue, where he belongs.

If you'd like to join the Frequent-sleeper
program here at Trans-Love Air
dont simply roll over after lovemal
with your back to your partner, and doze
off as if it were your own bedroom. Even if
itis your own bedroom, dont do
an takes that gesture as a rejection. Of
course, if she is the first to turn over, you
shouldn't take it as a rejection (and in
experience, you probably don't). Simply re-
gard it as a lucky break. Now you can stop
pretending to enjoy postcoital communica-
tion and resume your natural persona.
Turn over, grab some Zs, have an out-of-
body experience, for all I care! Stop trying
so hard! I'm asleep already!

Nine times out of ten. though, women
dont fall asleep first. That's because
theyre thinking about a snack, wondering,
if you knew they faked an orgasm or won-
dering if you faked the whole thing be-
cause all you probably wanted to do was go.
10 sleep. anyway. To avoid dealing with
those issues, and to prevent others from
arising—such as, should you file a joint will
even though you've only been living to-
gether for one week?— proceed directly to
the universal starting position after vou
finish with the other stuff. The universal
starting position is you on your back, ever
accessible, and your bedmate on her side
facing you, her head resting in the
crook of your arm and her arm languidly
across your chest You figure out which
arm goes where. As we all know, this posi-
tion is very lovey-dovey—and comfortable
for exactly three and a half minutes, at
which point, you dont fall asleep, your arm
does, and so does her neck. What if you
feel the discomfort of this position before
she does? Get out of it quickly and di:
creetly to prevent irreparable physical
damage. In other words, don't announce
that you forgot to put the top up on your
Mustang, then run out to the street in or-
der to return and assume a more enjoyable
position. Simply roll over, gently taking her
arm as you go (again, you figure out which
arm), and indicate with body language
that it is now time for the highly sleep-
inducing spoon position. Like the uni-
versal starting position, it is practiced the
world over, even in places where they don't
have spoons. And everybody really likes it!

Soon, one or both of you will have fallen
asleep. But what if she can't sleep? Try as
she may to be polite and keep he
nia to herself, you can't help noting that
every 30 seconds or so, she muflles a
cough, not well enough so that you dont
hear it and not badly enough to indicate
that she's secretly yearning for a foot mas-

age.
If you resist the temptation to ask her shoe
doze off almost as
flexology" If you

appen to be with one of the high-strung
few who arent soothed by podiatric indul-
gence, get up and make her a cup of hot
chocolate. (Remember, you get hot water
by boiling it, not by turning on the hot-wa-
ter tap.) Or you can make up a bedtime
story and hope that it's good enough to lull
her into lullaby land but not so good that
she remains awake and asks for the rest of
the trilogy. If none of that works, take a
hint from that accomplished. paramour
leddy and put on a bear suit

By now, both of you should be snoozing
away. But this is only temporary shelter
You may find yourself awakened from a
deep slecp by your slumbering partners
strange sounds or mysteriou

muscle
twitchings. Or, in the illumination of her
Bambi night light, you may notice an ex-
pression that sa ?

. "Fm being ch
through the catacombs of Cairo by
Jackal with three heads and flames coming
out of its left nostril. Please help me! My
career is just beginning to take off!” What
do you do? Do you gently wake her from
this nightmare, gallant knight that you
are, offering a swift ride back to the real
world? Hey, I'm no M.D., but in general,
not a good idea to wake a sleeper from a
nightmare. Nightmares are (not necessari-
ly) scenic overlooks on the pathway of life
that often need to be completed naturally
so the tourist can continue the journey. If
you interrupt this side trip. you may pre-
vent your partner from completing the
dream cycle, thus causing her to be cranky
during the ensuing hours and do things
such as refuse to coddle your egg in the
morni Think about it this way: Would
you want your shadow side to be stranded
in some subterranean nether world where
it was forever trying to get back to a Good
Humor truck? Probably not. So if your
partner is having a fitful sleep, the best
thing to do is gently hold on to her like a
wave just before it breaks. That way, when
she reaches the shore, she'll know that the
bogeyman is still in the hallway:

Now, supposing you two have finally
reached the point at which your breathing
is in complete synchronicity; you're about
to enjoy a rare, simultaneous entry into the
alpha state. Suddenly, you remember that
you forgot to do something really impor-
tant! You forgot to phone Sports Line to
find out whether you won that bet with
Dave about how many goals Wayne Greiz-
ky would score in the second period
against the Ran; l, it was a
sucker bet, your idea, and you havent
even phoned Dave to gloat. Guys, when in
bed with your sweetie, the only buttons
your fingers should contact are spelled
L-O-V-E, and that's only when she's awake

or half awake. (In fact, being the test body
fo

n Anatomy 101 on while se
sleeping allows women to expre
true catlike n
cies such as phone calls to your bookic do
not foreshadow resumption of the spoon
position. So if you'd like to spend the re-
maining wee hours clutching her litle

sleepy head's safety knobs, keep your
hands off the horn.

Which brings us to the subject of her
hands. Where are they? Uh-oh! They're
down there, clutching your unit. Don't
worry. Nothing bad is going to happen. As-
sume she’s genuinely fond of it and is sim-
ply reminding herself how good it felt
when it was part of her infrastructure.

Finally, remember that to successfully
sleep with a woman, you must be able to
successfully greet the morning with her.
Should you fake sleep? Only if you want to
run the risk of your partner's actually be-
lieving that you're still sleeping, ignoring
you completely because she's too polite to
wake you up. However, once you admit to
being conscious, it's difficult not to show off
your daybreak tumescence with its insist-
ent wake-up-show cheerfulness. But dont
start poking her with it. She may think the
whole thing is turning into date rape. This
is a memorable time. If she's not a sheet
clutcher or someone who barricades her-
self behind a fort made of pillows, she is
probably affording you a delightful view of
sleep-puffed femaleness. Study it. Take
notes from which to construct those com-
pliments she'll be startled by and for which
she'll invite you back for another evening
of sleep. Bear in mind that, for some rea-
son, women do not feel beautiful in the
morning. It’s not for nothing that one
womens magazine advises its readers 10
wear their false eyclashes to bed. However,
most women dont do this. Honest! Nor do
they get up while you're sleeping to reap-
ply mascara. So when they wake up, they
feel unconstructed and exposed. And, like
you, they probably have to pec. This state
is not conducive to romance. If you leave
the bed first, don't do so without i
her—anywhere. She needs reassurance,
not abandonment. When you return, allow
her to escape easily. But while she's away,
resist your urge to get to know her better
by taking a quick peek under the bed. Be-
cause if you weren't thrilled to encounter
Bambi in a wall socket, imagine how you'll
feel when you find a case of industrial-
strength prophylactics, an empty pint of
Southern Comfort and a half-foraged
age of Ring Dings. Wait. She'll be
If she’s taking a little longer than you
expected, don't get nervous. She's either
reassuring kitty that there's still room in
the bed or Martinizing herself in the bath-
room. Should you have hosed yourself off
before returning to bed? Not necessarily.
“The smell of sex is s Ihe smell of sex
from last weck is not sexy. So you be the
judge. If she returns and says, "You can
use the shower now.” it’s probably time
do that. But if she climbs like a panther
back into her lair, then stroke her. make
her purr and make her purr again. Be-
cause other than having someone to help
slay the dragons of the spiritual subconti-
nent, the best reason to sleep with a wom

10 wake up together, make love and

asleep a

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WISDOM OF THE GROIN

(continued from page 88)
g before this, 1 should have
ten a piece called Roofiops I Have
Known. Maybe another time, Th ans
groin needs and wants the urgent, savage
and dangerous window, Finally, it may
want nothing else. And the womans groin
wants and needs it, too. She is waiting
there across the roof, the voung woman.
wet to the knees with anticipation, precise-
ly because of that want and need.

Since we came out of the caves—for that
matter, probably before we went into
them—the wants and needs of the groin
have been tempered and softened, to the
extent that a tempering and a softening
are possible, by all those abstract nouns
you have ever heard: responsibility, con-
cern, compassion, mercy and the really big
one we've all been waiting for—love.

But those words are all language of the
head and the heart, not of the groin. The
groin knows pump and thrust. The groin
listens and speaks to blood. The grom de-
mands blood. Blood touching blood and
thereby creating blood. lt has been the
knowledge and the language of the groin
that have kept the race alive. Most of us
walk this earth not because men and wom-
en wanted children but because men and
women wanted each other.

Love comes through the front door with
a rose in its hand, wearing a suit and
smelling of the sweet fakery of bouled pe
fume. The driven by and caught in
the demands of its necessary knowledge—
comes through the window after having
made a journey through the uncertain
night. And the perfume it brings is not
from the bottle but from the sea; its salty,
wondrous primeval odor charged with and
flavored by the myriad fish swimming
there.

Love wants Broadway Joe Namath in
panty hose with a boule of Brut in his
hand. The groin wants Joe Willie Namath
taped, muddy, preferably bleeding a little
nd smelling of sweat, but with so much
fire in his blood that he is making yet an-
other painful, impossibly courageous de-
mand that his ruined knees take him to
the only place he would ever accept: to vic-
tory, to conquest.

Make no mistake about it, the groin
knows only victory, conquest, hunt down
and subdue. The language of the groin
does not know compromise or appease-
ment; the groin is incapable of seeing and
understanding the other side of any argu-
ment other th; s own. Lest I be misun-
derstood, which on this topic, I knew
going in was unavoidable, 1 emphasize that
Tam speaking and have been speaking of
both halves of the human race. male and
female. The la age of the female groin
and the male groin is identical. It is for that
reason that they carry on so well together.

The myth of the male groin being the pur-
suer and the conqueror and the aggressor
ought to be put to rest. It ought to be but
never will,

Of course, there are those
there is only the language and the knowl-
edge of the groin. IF you believe that, vou
will one day find yourself in a trick of shit
deeper than vou ever imagined possible,
or else you will lead a generally twisted
and certainly diminished lite.

But, ironically and paradoxically, it is
the belief in only the language of the head
and the heart that leads to genuine evil
Such people do not really believe there is
hair on the belly of the beast. Consequen
Jy, they can be sold anything. ‘Tell the lie bi
enough and often enough, always couch-
ing it in the language of the head and the
heart, and they will buy it. Hider could
never have sold to Churchill what he sold
chamberlain. C ll. that old hard-
drinking, cigar-cating warrior, was too
rank himself, had too much hair on his
own belly—aud. always knew it—to ever
buy a single goddamn word Hitler had to
sell.

God save us all from those who believe
we exist only from the navel up. and save
us, too, every mothers son and daughter,
from those who would have us believe we
exist only from the navel down. The major
religions of the world have taught that the
head and the heart must rule whatever is
below it 1 despair of that, I
spaired of th.
ed to entertain the
gions of the world had not so enthu
gs on the pc
nd— need it be poi
out?—always explained the reasons for
doing so in the language of the head and
the heart, never the gr

The knowledge of the groin may want to
fuck you a little bit, but it rarely wants to
kill you.

who believe

ways de-

But I might be more in-
the

notion if

tically brought their teach
of the sword

And what, you may have been wonder-
ng, happened to my friend patiently wait-
g naked back on the roof surrounded by
the police? Was he caught? Ol course not.
1 he been, 1 dont know where he'd be,
but surely not at a famous Yankee institu-
tion of higher | ijr as an exegete ol
learned subjects.

“Hell, 1 just hunkered low as I could git
right there behind the chimney ull the po-
lice finally got bored and left,” he said,
finishing his glass.

And when they did.” I said, "which
ndow did you go toward?"
“The rut was on me, you sumbitch. You
know damn well which window ] went in.
Aint that a mystery

“Not really” I said. "You got another bot-

“Try to keep one,” he said, getting up
and going to the cupboard.

“Hey, fella—you've got one dynamite lady here. Boy, 1
wish I was in your shoes!”

159

PLAYBOY

160

ANDREA MARCOVICCI

(continued from page 131)

“If youre discussing ideas and being reasonably
eloquent, a swear word now and again is part of it.”

waiting, And I don't mean that in a small
way, the five minutes or the half hour. But
a gentleman doesn't worry a woman. Its so
asy to make sure that you allow a girl
you're with to feel secure. It’s so easy to say,
“Yes, DI be there.” or “Yes, I'll call."

rLaynov: Under what circumstances is it
permissible for a woman to swear, and how
does she learn how to make it natural and
poi ?

srarcovicc: [Laughs] With the phone com-
y. for instance, swearing is absolute!
sary. If you don't learn to say “fuck”
to the phone company, theres no hope.
Learning when a litle swearing is judi-
cious is of great value, as is the ability to

raise your voice at certain times. That
however, shouldn't become a habit. Thei
something so ugly when swear words are
used in anger. But a swear word used in
fun is OK. There's a section in my show I
call “Songs from Movies That Fucked Us
Up.” Theres no other way to say it. If
you're discussing ideas and being reason-
ably eloquent, a swear word now and agai
is part of it. Let's be honest here: I swear in
a black-velvet dress, so it's a totally differ-
ent story.

rravsov: What should a guy do when his
girlfriend cries:

marcovicer: Hold her, hold her, hold her—
that is, if she wants to be held. And I can

“Darling, are we talking
deliberate, responsible left-brain love or are we
talking impulsive, spontaneous, damn-the-torpedoes
right-brain love?”

tell you what not to do, but this is per-
sonal only to me. Dont say "shhhhh. . .
[Laughs]

10.

mavsov: Are you fond of weddings?
MARCOVICCI: I cry at weddings. Badly. I
weep uncontrollably. I dont even have to
know the people. I hear the wedding
march, 1 cry I see the white dress. I cry.
But I dont get invited to a lot of weddings.
What do they want a torch singer there
for? Fm the harbinger of things to come.

pavor: Describe the man who inspires
torch singers.

vaRCOVICCI: A withholder. A bad boy. The
kind of strong, silent type who cant com-
mit, who brings fire to a onship but
has no foundation upon which to build
anything of any lasting strength. That's
the classic profile of the man about whom a
torch singer sings. 1 do some of that in my
shows now. But I also have a new category
For “Girls Night Out,” | sing torch from
the standpoint of my being the one who
was wrong: having met the right man, not
recognizing him as such and having let
m go. Its probably the most painful
torch of all

12.

pravsoy: Distinguish between a cad. a
bounder, a dweeb and just a plain jerk.
marcovicer: [Laughs] A cad is a man who
knows he's hurting vou. who knows he's
misbehaving and does it anyway, A
bounder cant help himself. [Laughs] And
a jerk doesn't even know what hes doing.
doesn't have a clue. As for dweebs, they're
probably just skinnier. A woman will sit
around and complain about her cads. jerks
and bounders, bur she won take responsi-
bility for the fact that she saw all the signs
long in advance. Once, I fell in love with a
man who, when 1 first saw him, made me
say to myself, That man is a cad. For thirty
seconds, 1 knew he was insane. And for six
months, after those first thirty seconds, I
had to have it proved to me. Finally, | came
around to sce his face one more time, at
the very end, exactly as I had scen it at the
beginning. And I kick myself to this day.

13.

pravpov: Give men an educati
elry.

wagcoVIcci: First of all, buy it. [Laughs]
Dont think of it as meaning something im-
portant; it doesn't have to. You're not en-
gaged the moment you give somebody a
piece of jewelry. Take a look at what your
girlfriend. wears. Go window shopping
with her. Notice what she points to. l'm
more moved by antique jewelry and small
stones. Something sweet from the past.
You cant ever go wrong with giving a per-
son jewelry.

about jew

PLAYBOY: What dont love songs tell us
about lov

MARCOVICCE: We get enormous illusions
about love from love songs, and I'm con-
buing to that. I sang Some Enchanted
Evening for the first time not long ago, and
I asked myself why it didn't go something
like: “You will go to a party you don't really
want to go to, and you'll mect your cousins
best friend, and you won't like his suit, but
you vill like his eyes. And he won't be able
to dance at all well, but he'll say something
sweet, and you'll realize he likes his moth-
er, and therefore. maybe he'll like yours.”
Why dont they write that in a song?
Theyll never do it, and | probably
wouldnt sing it if they did. Weve been
damaged by our love songs and by our
movies, and yet they're such an essential
part of that yearning that love seems to be
about, that 1 absolutely must sing them.
But usually end my show with something
more realistic, about finding love where it
may have been all along: under your nose

Romantic fantasy love is what callan
ety love. It makes you sick. And it's not re-
ally love, it's narcissism. What you love is
how you feel about yourself. You're
Hoating on a feeling that is basically all
your own. And it feels like being in love,
because we're used to that kind of tension
as being in love. Romantic movies are all
about tension. but we dont see it played
out. We don't see what happens after the
words THEEND. So what we get is-

15.

Emotional chase scenes?

PLAVBOS

mancoviccs: Exactly: And that’s what were
spond to and in some ways what | sing
about, too—that fabulous, emotional chas-

ing. And I'm particularly moved by thos
scenes when I see them in the movies, and
that's why I sing. You're not supposed to be
worried all the time when you're in love
Of course, you lose your appetite a little
and that's fine, We all love that. We want to
lose weight when we fall in love. If you
don't lose a pound or two, that isn't love.

16.

rLavsoy: Whats the most preposterous
song you sing?

mancovicca: Stay Well—a song 1 love in
spite of myself. I almost have to issue a dis-
claimer before I sing it, because it is the
most torchy of torch. The song says
[singing], “If I tell truth to you/my love,
my own, / Gri your gift to me, /grief
alon
an dawn, / Yet whe
weep you gone.” Its the craziest
all the torch songs I do. 1 get liue girls
coming to hear me sing. And I tell thi
mothers to put couon in their ears for th
song. But it’s the most beautiful song I've
ever heard. And 1 must sing it. Love isa re-
markable feeling. And I've had times in
my life when I was able to let somebody go,
knowing he was bad for me but loving him
nyway A man who treated me terribly
came to hear me sing, and I always thought
that if I ever saw him at the club again, Pd
throw him out bodily. 1 should just spit

midnight, / Wild

on him. | should say to the audience, "He's
the one.” And it was so silly. When the show
was over, I went over to hii
hand and said, “I wi:
er you choose to do.” So go figure. For me,
its more important to be able to feel those
feelings. But I didn't make a date with him.
I'm not stupid

17.

rLaveov: Who understood women better,
Cole Porter or Ira Gershwin?

waxcovicct: Ira Gershwin. Most people be-
lieve Cole Porter's lyrics are a little mo
brittle and clever and a little distant. And
in truth, most of them are. They're more
cocktail-party love, more sophisticated.
But there are Porter songs that are so dif-
ferent from that. Like, “After you, who/
Could supply my sky of blue?/ After
you, who/Could I love?/ After you, why/
Should I take the time to try. / For who else
could qualify/ After you, who?" Its in-
tense, pure and direct, and not quite so
clever as many of his other songs were. Ir
Gershwin understood more and was m
emotional, more female. As Michael Fein-
stein reminds us of the old joke, “George
and his lovely wife, Ira.”

18.

Pinoy: In The Front, you kiss Woody Al-
len for the first time with your hands fold-
ed neatly on your lap. What was going
through your head?

marcovicer: Right before we shot that

scene. Woody said to me, “I'm go
only one lip when we kiss. Be-
1 give you two, you'll never live
through it.” So I was laughing, because we
re a little nervous. Those kisses were
sweet, as I recall.

ravsow: When men goto hear you sing, do
they become overw ht with emotion
and throw themselves at you?

MaRCOVICCI: Throw themselves at me!
[Laughs] They dont throw themselves at
me at all. Though Ud be ready to catch. E
intimidate, mostly. Men are quite romantic
with me and will write me lovely notes or
send flowers. What | do on stage is a very
roma nd it reminds people of
another time and of another times man-
ners and romances. I've had a couple of
ien show up in white tie and tails, because
of my crush on Fred Astaire. My audience
seems to think I have a lot of. emotional
knowledge. 1 appear to be somebody who
knows so much about romance that 1 bring
out a rather tender awkwardness in s
men. They're very courtly with me.

20.

PLAYBOY: Under what
sing in the shower?
axcovicct: Under

nto

umstances do you

all
ng arias and things like that. And I warm
up and do all my vocalizing in the shower.
I get into the shower to sing.

circumstances. I

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161

PLAYBOY

162

COURTSHIPS

(continued from page 85)

“There are people for whom marriage is convalescence,
courtship being like a bout of erotic dysentery.’

recommends that you get your love cur-
¡ed with wine. Or you kidnap her. Then
that you prong her tll her tikka dot falls
oll. Afterward, hire local clergy and light
the cow-dung oven. Marriage consecrated
around fire “cannot be set aside.” Polyne-
n women of the likable Tikopia tribe are
taken, then—in public ritual—held down
and raped. Once insertion occurs, they
stop resisting and accept Mrs. status. Her
mom and dad won't grouse about it, either,
as long as decorum has been observed.
That is: Groom must abduct bride from
family hut. Should she be snaflled up while
hoeing in a field, mortal combat with dad
may ensue. The Tikopia have their priori-
ties nicely set: Rape is one thing; theft of
service is another.

Capture courtship in other cultures may
be more ceremonial and less sa
when it isn't positively hazardous. Among
Khond folk of southern India, a prospec-
tive bride and her female kin are waylaid
by the groom and his men. Anthropologist
Arnold van Gennap gave this play-by-play
coverage: "The women attack the young
men, hitting them with sticks, stones and
clods of carth, and the boys defend them-
selves with their stic + This fighting is
by no means child's play, and the men are
sometimes seriously injured

Among Mabuiag people, a woman will
propose marriage. But before he can take
her, according to Van Gennap. this poor
fiancé is cold cocked. "First, [her brothers]
wound him only on the leg, but finally; they
hit him on the head with a club. Immedi-
ately afterward, one of the girl's brothers
takes her by the hand and gives her to the
young man."
ask. “Ring?” he sa:
in Madison Squa

As one might surmise from this last ex-
ample. capture courtship can rather easily
become Courtship by trial. In some trad
tions, the woman will refuse to submit ui
til her suitor has, say, croaked his fir
crocodile or taken a human head for the
conversation cove. Elsewhere, men mu
absorb rare torment before marriage. Ac-
cording to Lailan Young (Love Around the
World), Danakil men of Ethiopia are
scourged by their future in-laws with raw
hippohide. They must smile throughout
ce as well as ski
men (of Guiana) are stitched up in a ham-
mock full of fire ants, The best husbands
are those who can stay put longest. 1 do
n dollop of outback common

Courtship by exhaustion. There are pco-
ple for whom marriage is convalescence,
courtship being rather like a long bout of,
oh, erotic dysentery. The Yapese practice

gichigich, which, I think, must be pure
sexual onomatopoeia. Young wrote:
‘Gichigich . so fr ed tha women
become weak and helpless, experiencing a
multiple series of orgasms so hectic that
they are unable to prevent themselves
m urinating. The men feel that they are
on fire, The climax comes when the wom-
the ue. ENC

sensibly, I say. Too much puo
ying for the second take in a snuff film.

Margaret Mead's cannibal Mundugu-
mor of New Guinca are also rather impul-
sive. Courtship assignation is made by
wink or nod as the scarcely acquainted boy
and girl pass each other along a jungle
trail. They then come together like matter
and antimatter. "These quick encounters."
Mead wrote, “take the form of a violent
scratching and biting match, calculated to
produce the maximum amount of e
ment in the minimum amount of time. To
break the arrows or the basket of the
beloved one is one standard way of demon-
strating consuming passion: so also is tear-
ing olf ornaments — [even—airee—an
earring] and smashing them if possible.”
Something more than hug therapy, that.
When, however. the bush is flooded, your
impetuous Mundugumor male may try
sneaking into his bint's mosquito hasket—
a ten-foot-long cylinder made of bast or
sago shoots. This can be unhealthy. The
Mundugumor father is jealous (and will
often sleep alongside his daughter). If he
catches them at it—and, as wet
Mundugumor courtship
quier—Pop “may fa opening of
the sleeping bag and roll the couple down
the house ladder, which is almost perpe
dicular and six or seven feet in height.”
You've heard tell about basket ca These
are.

Courting the in-laws. To primitive (and
not-so-primitive) people, marriage is an
economic event. Among Hongot head-
ters, for example, the appr
in-law must prove that wife
hand" (labor). A fath
s relayed by anthropolo;

ice son-

w2to-
1

o Rosaldo, “Do not come to me un-
less you plan to care for me when I am
old." A good son like some kind

ion plan. The young man will ent
his fiancée family and job audition there.
Meanwhile, he has been wooing, First, he
looks his intended in the eye. Nest, he
might give her a nice betel quid. Sometime
later he may ask her to fetch him water.
And so on. This process, one head-hunter
commented, was like how you trained a
pig. Soon, then, our suitor may win fa

unless he falls from a 100-foot tree while
being shot at by his brother w, which is
the courtship-by-trial part of being Hongo!
nd horny that I forgot to mention.
Promiscuous courtship. When Jesus say
“Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.
he was referring, of course, to the Trobr
and Islands. Trobriand people court the
way old Jewish men venoose—with just
about everyone. They have (or, 1 guess
had) an institution, the bukumatula (bache-
lor house), which ranked just below Chi-
nese takeout among cultural advances.

Let Bronislaw Malinowski describe it
“Furniture consists of bunks with mat cov-
erings. In such an interior. the older
boys and their temp. 'esses live
ether. ... When a couple dissolve th
liaison, it is the girl who moves |. t
another sleeping place with another sweet-
heart.” Malinowski insisted that this wasn't
group concubinage—but irs good enough
for me. "Strict decorum obtains. The in-
mates never indulge in orgiästic pastimes,
and itis considered bad form to watch an
other couple during their love eh ie
The couple share a bed and nothing else.”
me, mates are chosen, but "two people
bout to be married must never have a
meal in common. That would greatly
k the moral susceptibility of a native."
brave new world —where women just
want to make love and are offended if
buy dinner for them at Orso's.

Contact courtship. Everyone knows about
bundling—where man and his maid, in
bed but dressed for an
would grope each other half-rabid.
fewer people realize is how extensive this
habit (brought over from Holland, where
they called it queesting) was before 1776 or
so. As much as 30 percent of the rural pop-
ulation may have gotten a feel for it
Bundling was Yankee practical: In your
average single-room house, a bed may
have represented the entire Ethan Allen
furniture set. If your lover walked 16
hours round trip on Sunday to see you for
three, some prone time was only polite—
and bundling saved firewood. On occa-
sion. Mother would tie her daughters
ankles together or place a low board
lengthwise between them. Bundling was
tremendously controversial. Jonathan Ed-
wards spoke against it. Pro- and ani-
bundling poetry appeared. As Diedrich
Knickerbocker said, “By [bundling], they
acquired an intimate acquaintance with
each others good q s before mar-
riage . . . and a strict adherence to the
good old vulgar maxim about buying a pig
a poke.

That courtship custom died with two-
room houses and less expensive fuel. But it
may return. Given our pre:
h fluid exchange
technology, I forese
ceptive suit made of *
And Eddie Bauer catalogs directed at
the young urban bundler. —b. Kerr MANO.

—-THE MEN'S DIAMOND MARKET —

f you haven't done it already, now's the time to hang up the
gold neck chain and retire any fat pinkie ring that might
have crawled onto your little finger when you masquer-
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for men are today's hottest rocks, with diamond-studded
dress sets (links, studs and vest buttons) and platinum rings

set with natural-colored diamonds fast becoming the crown
jewels of a man's accessory collection. Clarity, color, cut
and carat are the four Cs to be considered when shopping
for something set with sparklers. The last, however, is the
least important factor. When it comes to his diamond jew-
elry, a man, for once, isn't judged by the size of his stones.

Clockwise from 12: Crystal-and-diamond cuff links, by Trianon, $7500. Platinum diamond ring, $1025, atop an 18-Kt.-gold ring with a .65-ct. dia-

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inum diamond and onyx dress set includes cuff links (shown), from Asprey, $12,000. Platinum
diamond fly lapel pin, by Pedro Boregaard, $425. Cone-shaped diamond lapel pin, by Matthew C. Hoffmann, $720.

iamond bird

by Pedro

Boregaard, $600. Antique Hamilton watch with diamonds, from the Chiuzac Gallery, $2800. Diamond studs, by Matthew C. Hoffmann, $1550.

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Just snap and schuss, as these
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Each ski features a heavy-duty
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Not just a fax, ma'am. The Panasonic KX-F120

(left) is a telephone with a speaker phone, a fax ma-
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Canon's FaxPhone 8 (above) is a fax machine and a
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PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE CONWAY

Pentax’ 35mm IQZoom70 compact camera fea-

tures autofocus, autowind, a buil
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No, this isn’t
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165

Serve and

Two Curves
Fans of David lee
Roth's music videos
know beauty BECKY
LE BEAU. After the ABC
miniseries War and Re-
membrance this past
fall, everyone recogniz-
es her, even if she's no
threat to Martina. Yet.

A Little Less than Basic Black

We've often observed HEATHER LOCKLEAR in skimpy clothing on TV's
Dynasty. Lord knows, she looks good that way. Still, this new look— sleek,
chic and daring—is in keeping with Sammy Jo's new nicer-girl image.

PAUL NATKIN PHOTO RESERVE INC

The Party Ninjas
AXL ROSE (left) and
SLASH are two of the
five-member Guns N'
Roses band, whose
album Appetite for
Destruction hit

the charts fast

and hot.

Grace's Lace
Is in the
Right
Place

Actress/
dancer
GRACE
MORELY
appeared on
TV in Crime
Story ant
now putting
together a
las Vegas
night-club
act, Grace
can be our
valentine
any time, x

His Highness

PRINCE comes out from under the fog machine
for a royal second in this shot taken on his current
concert tour. Lovesexy has gone platinum. We
eagerly await his next move.

5
3
2
ES

MARKLENDAL

Water Babe

Actress MEG TILLY wanted to be a dancer, and anyone who
remembers her breakthrough role as Chloe in The Big Chill
knows that a dancer still lurks inside. Recently, she has com-
pleted two films, The Girl in a Swing and Milos Forman's Val-
mont, based on Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Meg's keeping cool.

D) aROLAFIA LIAISON

A Touch of Ass

Why is it that the
back end of this
guy is enough for
some of his fans?
Singer GEORGE

MICHAEL greet-
ed his first
‚American con-
cert audience

last summer
with a little
cheek. It
drove the

ladies wild.

167

POTPOURRI

| VIVA VARGAS!

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February 28. For credit-
card orders outside C:
"f À fornia, call 800-228-8819;

x inside California, call
213-150-9240, Well keep
all of you posted.

READ ON, BWANA

This winter, instead of curling up with a
good mystery, try The Book of the Lion, by
Sir Alfred E. Pease, or Kill: or Be Killed.
by Major W. Robert Foran. These are just
two of the many titles that Si. Martin's
Press has introduced in a new and comin-
uing series of reprints of the greatest
classics in the literature of hunting and
adventure. Peter Capstick, the famous big-
game hunter, is the series editor, and all
selections are from his personal library.

THE THINGS YOU DO FOR LOVE

Our Love Issue wouldn't be complete without a mention of the Sybaris
Clubs, oases of luxurious privacy in the Chicago area “dedicated to roman-
tic marriage.” The Sybaris at 3350 North Milwaukee Avenue in North-
brook, Illinois. has a variety of cottages for two. But the one we like is the
new Sybaris Chalet. I's a multilevel hideaway of pleasure that includes a
water bed. a whirlpool tub and a steam room, plus—get this—you
own private 22-foot swimming pool with an eight-foot slide. And
for $450 a night on weekends. (There are lesser rates for davs and week

168 nights.) Call 312-298-5000 for more information. Have fun

LOOK, MA, NO WIRES

Tired of tripping over all those
wires alter you've hooked up
your favorite video game and
begun blasting away at aliens
or looking for lost treasure?
Check out Gamerica’s Freedom
Stick, the only wireless in-
frared jov stick on the market
that’s compatible with Ninten-
do. Sega. Commodore and
Atari game systems. Yes, it re-
ally docs work and offers ar-
cade-style feel and action for
one or two players as well as
simultaneous two-player play
All for $59.95 at toy and con-
sumer-dleetronics stores,

PANTIES TO GO

You may have heard of Panty-
ol-the-Month, the unique serv
ice that sends one sexy panty

a month to the lucky lady of
your choice on a three-month,
six-month or one-year sub-
scription basis. Now PO.M. is
branching out and offering
two qualities of panties—
regular and deluxe—with
prices for a three-month sub-
ption going for $58.50 and
7. respectively. A call to
gets you all the
information and, yes, Panty
of-the-Month also sells other
kinds of lingerie. A two-dollar
catalog, Undres to Kill, shows
and tells all. Ask about it

SPLASH MENAGERIE

With everyone getting into
rubbers these days, it only
figures that someone would
develop a better product for
the feet, too. Grips footwear.
manufactured by Jordan David
Safety and Health Products in
Warrington. Pennsvl is
the first product we've seen
that actually brings sivle to
avershoes. Two looks are
available: One is a Caploe
model and the other is a W
Tip. And. to give you extra
traction, the soles of both have
been treated with aluminum-
oxide grit, The price: $45
pair at better shoe stores

GREAT BEDDY BUY

This Valentine's Day, try ordering a Breaklast-in-
Bed basket from Confections in Birmingham,
Michigan, and sce il you dont score major points
with your wile or girlfriend. (You may score in an-
other wax, too.) A Breakfastin-Bed basket for
two, which includes croissants, strawberries, cider,
chocolate truflles and more, all nicely packaged
and delivered by U.S. overnight, is $50. lo order
call 313-626-9848 and allow 48 hours (sorry. no
weekend deliveries) to be on the sale side.

AS THE SPIRITS MOVE YOU

“The cocktail has returned from exile in the pale
world of white wine . . . and stepped out on the
town in high heels and hip company.” says Jill
Spalding in the coflec-table book Blithe Spirits, “A
loast to the Cocktail.” And if you like to read
about the lore and lure ol great drinks (accompa-
nied, of course, by gorgeous photos of the concer
tions), you'll find Blithe Spirits (Alvin Rosenbaum
Projects, Inc.) worth its $50 price. Call 800-543-
1037 to order, then drink up.

BLITHE SPIRITS

A TOAST TO THE COCKTAIL — BY JILL SPALDING

169

NEXT MONTH

BIG BLUE

“THE PRIDE OF BALTIMORE"—WRITER-DIRECTOR
BARRY LEVINSON, OF DINER, TIN MEN AND RAIN MAN
FAME, HAS BEEN CALLED THE MASTER OF THE MALE

ENSEMBLE—A PROFILE BY DAN GREENBURG

“KING BEE"—A BOY'S OBSESSION LEADS HIM INTO A
‘SWARM OF TROUBLE THAT ENDS IN A STICKY TALE OF

TERROR—BY T. CORAGHESSAN BOYLE

FRED (HUNTER) DRYER TALKS ABOUT BUSTING OUT
OF FOOTBALL AND INTO TELEVISION, ADMITS THAT
PLAYING A DICK HAS HELPED HIM BEAT TRAFFIC TICK-
ETS AND GIVES US THE LOW-DOWN ON GAYS IN THE
LOCKER ROOM IN A FRANK “20 QUESTIONS”

PAMELA DES BARRES, GROUPIE EXTRAORDINAIRE
AND AUTHOR OF I'M WITH THE BAND, BARES BODY

AND SOUL IN TEXT AND PICTORIAL,

“MY BROTHER'S FIRST CLIMB"—A RUGGED TRIP IN
THE HIGH SIERRAS BRINGS TWO MEN MUCH TOO

CLOSE TO DEATH—BY CRAIG VETTER

“FANCY’S GROUPER"—A RECLUSIVE ANGLER HOOKS
HIMSELF A BEAST OF A BIG ONE OFF CAPE HATTERAS
AND DISCOVERS THE POWER OF FAME—FICTION BY

BOB SHACOCHIS

“ANATOMY OF A DRUG BUST"—ONE OF THE DEAS
MOST NOTORIOUSLY SCREWED-UP CASES AND HOW
IT GOT BOTCHED—AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT BY REG
POTTERTON

BIG MAN TOM HANKS PLAYS CRITIC, ADVOCATES
SAFE SEX IN FILMS AND REVEALS WHAT HE WAS
REALLY LIKE AT THE AGE OF 13 IN A PUNCHY PLAYBOY
INTERVIEW

“MAKING A SPLASH"—PLAYBOYS GUIDE TO THE
DEEP BLUE YONDER. A SCUBA DIVERS MANUAL OF
WHERE TO GO, WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT IN
STYLE WITH STATE-OF-THE-ART GEAR. PLUS, THE ULTI-
MATE UNDERWATER THRILL: A DIVE OFF THE EXOTIC
MALDIVE ISLANDS—BY GEOFFREY NORMAN

PSSSSSSST—WE'RE KEEPING OUR NEXT MYSTERY
PICTORIAL A SECRET, BUT HERE'S A HINT: SHE'S A
MEDIA PERSONALITY WHO'S SURE TO RATE HIGH

PLUS: “RETURN OF THE MARTINI," BY JIM ATKIN-
SON; FOUR DESIGNERS PREDICT FUTURE TRENDS IN
MEN'S FASHION; A FIERY GLIMPSE AT ONE OF THE
WORLD'S FASTEST PRODUCTION CARS—THE TWIN-
TURBO CALLAWAY CORVETTE; AND MUCH, MUCH MORE

Pure. Genuine. A beer that's made unlike That's because Miller Genuine Draft is the

any other. one that's Cold-Filtered"to give you the rich,
Cold-Filtered"Miller Genuine Draft. smooth taste of real draft beer in a bottle. Heat-
It contains no additives. No preservatives. pasteurized beers just can't do that.

And best of all, it hasn't been heat-pasteurized Cold-Filtered" Miller Genuine Draft. It's as

like most other beers. real asit gets. Pure and simple.

COLD-FILTERED MILLER GENUINE DRAFT
IT'S AS REAL AS IT GETS

Smooth

character. . =

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

—

C 1988 R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO.

16 mg. “tar”, 1.0 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method:

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