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ENTERTAINMENT FOR 
EXCLUSIVE! 
MIKE TYSON 


THE INSIDE STORY 
OF A RAGING BULLY 


"THE BEST 
PUNCH I EVER 
THREW WAS 
AT ROBIN 
GIVENS.” 


| | | 
o "300955" 0 | 


AUGUST 1989 + $4.00 


WOMEN OF 
WALL 


lul 
Marlboro | blo 


Famous Mariboro Red and Май вого Lights 
ar way yn geta р to like. 


= «а کر‎ 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 


elo ls Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


av. per cigarette-by-FTC method. / 


Р; 


RESERVATIONS ARE For RESTAURANTS. 


8 
осна?! 
и 


\ 
A man sometimes feels tbe urge to p fly in the face of convention. 


CLOTHES THAT FIT A MAN'S 
PREROGATIVE TO CHANGE. 


THE DOG DAYS of summer 


upon us. We suggest that you take it 
very easy and while you wait for a cool breeze—or any breeze— 
pick up this month's Playboy to sense a different kind of heat 
Who is Mike Tyson, really? Is he the guy the media have both lion- 
ized and vilified? Or is he someone else? To find out, read our 
excerpt from José Torres‘ book Fire and Fear (published by Warner 
Books in the U.S. and Star Books in the British Commonwealth). 
Our illustration is by Aaron Hicks. Torres was a boxer before he 
became a journalist, and his is a compelling account of life in and 
out of the ring. The real story, devoid of the superficial glitz you 
may have read elsewhere, makes you feel for Tyson, even though 
he has some serious problems, 

Speaking of having problems (can we segue or what?), have you 
ever pondered all the tiny pomts of etiquette involved in living 
with your lover? Successful cohabitation is hard work, so you'll 
probably need some help from Denis Boyles's The Thinking Mans 
Guide to Living with Women, with art by Michel Guire Vako. And if 
you and your best girl do settle down together, for just an evening 
or much longer, it's not out of the question to experience an occa- 
sional glitch in your machinery. What do you do when you cant 
get it up st, relax. Then read Patrick Anderson's In Praise of 
Palient Women. 

Did you find yourself wondering why the Senate Armed Serv- 
ices Committee couldn't give John Tower a break? A drink and a 
bimbo, right? Big deal. Check out The Geneva Sex Zoo, based on 
more than 1000 pages of confidential documents researched and 
reported on by the London Sunday Times’ Mark Hosenball, with il- 
lustrations by Steve Brodner. This is the real inside info on which 
Senator Sam Nunn based his "no" vote. 

Playwright and film maker David Mamers essay A Time for 
Mickey Mouse asks, How come the wonderful world of Disney ha 
turned into a high-priced mousetrap? When it comes to modern 
‘ks, Mamet pines for the good old days of carnival 
games, shooting galleries and cheap cotton candy. The illustra- 
tion is by Managing Art Director Kerig Pope. 

The Playboy Interview with John Cougar Mellencamp by one of 
our able music reviewers, Charles M. Young, is a delight. Mellen- 
camp is articulate, funny and interesting—words not always 
used to describe rock-and-rollers. Bob Crane’s 20 Questions w 
party monster John Candy asks the immortal questions, including, 
Why is big, well, so big these days? Candy's photograph was taken 
by the great George Hurrell. Our fiction this month, 700 Many 
Crooks, brings the return of Donald E. Westlake's very best creation, 
Dortmunder, who discovers during an attempted bank heist tha 
someone has beaten him to it. 

We have a couple of great visuals for you, but then, were 
nown all over the globe for that, aren we? First, there's a picto- 
rial on the Women of Wall Street, with text by a guy who knows his 
stuff, Louis Rukeyser, whose show Wall Street Week charts the stock 
action. (For more from the PBS pundit, get Louis Rukeysers Busi- 
ness Almanac, from Simon & Schuster.) Here he charts the rise of 
corporate women on the Street—while we show you that being 
smart and looking great are bullish. Take a good look, too, at a 
new Bond girl, May 1988 Playmate Diana Lee, in our pictorial Li- 
cence to Thrill, then go watch her spectacular opening sequence 
in the latest James Bond film, Licence to Kill, starring Timothy 
Dalton. For all you Bond maniacs, we also have Vide007: 
Playboy й 
Wall Street and James Bc it enough of a kick for you, we 
also present Off with Their Clothes!, à 200th birthday salute to the 
French Revolution. It stars March 1987 Playmate Marina Baker as 
Marie Antoinette and was photographed by Byron Newman. Ju 
incase your Italian is rusty, amore means love. We do Joye our Au- 
gust Playmate, Gienne Amore, and you will, too. What else can we 
offer you? How about Eric Dickerson dressed to the nines, without 
helmet and knee pads? Or four pages of great toys for the boy: 
Or uendy new drinks and attaché cases? You name il, we've got it. 
When you finish this, you'll feel a lot cooler. As in hipper. 


PLAYBILL 


TORRES 


MAMET 


HURRELL 


a 


WESTLAKE, NEWMAN 


RUKEYSER 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 36, no. 8—august 1989 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBML C n ec ME TU T RECTE ELEM 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY. ... 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS un. e ws 
SPORTS 25-7 ras ФЕ E DAN JENKINS 28 
MEN KE ES E E BES: ASA BABER 29 
MOMENT, a O 30 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 33 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM E E 37 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP—candid conversation 47 


FIRE AND FEAR—article ....... JOSÉ TORRES 58 


OFF WITH THEIR CLOTHES!—pictorial ...... Б Екы eee eee eee 62 
TOO MANY СКООКЅ5—ћсйоп. ........................ DONALD E. WESTLAKE 72 
SPEAKING BESPOKE—foshion. .. .. HOLLIS WAYNE and UNDA DYETT 75 
THETHINKING MAN'S GUIDE TO LIVING WITH WOMEN—artidle . . .. DENISBOYLES 80 
COCKTAIL SHAKERSI—drink .......................... EMANUEL GREENBERG 82 
THAT'S AMORE—playboy’s playmate of the month. ......................... 86 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor . . 
CASE HISTORY—modern living ......... 

IN PRAISE OF PATIENT WOMEN—essay ...... . PATRICK ANDERSON 102 
PLAYBOY COLLECTION modem їмїп....................... E 106 CONS 


A TIME FOR MICKEY МОй$Е—өззау.......................... DAVID MAMET 110 

WOMEN OF WALL STREET—pictorial .................. text by LOUIS RUKEYSER 112 

20 QUESTIONS: JOHN CANDY .... 05.0124 

LICENCE TO THRILL— pictorial . SE 2126 

THE GENEVA SEX ZOO—chronicle. - : = MARK HOSENBALL 136 

THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY... —һитог....................- JOHN DEMPSEY 150 

PLAYBOY/ON/THE SCENE A LS EES A SER ranean Dd 157 Classy Altachés 
COVER STORY 


Looking to invest in the bare market? Turn to Women of Wall Street. 
Cover model Brandi Brandt dresses for success with the help of stylist 
lee Ann Perry make-up artist Pat Tomlinson and hair stylist John 
Victor. A Mark Cross briefcase and a pin by 1928 Jewelry Co. complete the 
look for a cover designed by Art Director Tom Staebler and shot by 
Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. The Rabbit dabbles in stack. 


GENERAL OFFICER: PLAYBOY BUILDING BIB NORTH MICHGAN AVE, CHICAGO, LINOIS 60611 PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY TO WETURN UNSOLICITEO LOFTON On GNA YOC MATERIAL ALL RIGHTS in LETTEN? 
Cormac: pd 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAFRLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso- 
ciate editor; FICTION: ALICE K TURNER editor; 
MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS senior edi- 
101: PHILLIP COOPER, ED WALKER associate editors; 
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate editor; WEST 
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH 
EN EDGREN senior editor; JAMES R. PETERSEN 
senior staff writer; BRUCE KLUGER. BARBARA NELLIS 
KATE NOLAN associate editors; JOHN LUSK traffic 
coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE editor; 
WENDY ZABRANSKY assistant editor; CAR- 
ТООМ: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE 
BOURAS editor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant editor: 
MARY ZION senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN 
BROWNE, RANDY LYNCH, BARI NASH. LYNN TRAVERS, 
researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: Asa 
RARER, KEVIN COOK. LAURENCE GONZALES LAWRENCE 
GROBEL, CYNTHIA HEIMEL. WILLIAM | HELMER. DAN 
JENKINS, WALTER LOWE, JR. D. KEITH MANO, REG POT 
TERTON. DAVID KENSIN, RICHARD KHODES, DAVID 
SHEFE DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON onovien, 
SUSAN MARCOLIS-WINTER BILL ZEHME 


ART 

KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI. LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN associale 
direcion; JOSEPH PACZEK, ERIC SHROYSHIRE assistant 
directors; DERHE KONG junior director; ANN SEID. 
senior keyline and paste-up artist; вил. BENWAY. 
RICK MILLER arl assistants; BARBARA HOFFMAN ad- 
ministrative manager 


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PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON. 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associale edilors; ITY 
PEAUDEL assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior 
staff photographer; STEVE Conway assistant photog- 
Tapher; DAVID CHAN. RICHARD FEGLEY АКАУ 
FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201. DAVID MECEY, BYRON 
NEWMAN, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photogra 
hers; SUELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color 
lab supervisor; нх Goss business manager 


MICHAEL PERLIS publisher 
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
RITA JOHNSON assistant manager; ELEANORE WAG. 
NER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI assistants 


CIRCULATION 


DARMARA GUTMAN subscription circulation 
direclor; ROBERT O'DONNELL retail marketing and 
sales director 


ADVERTISING. 
MICHAEL T CARR director; JAMES J. ARCHAMBAULT 
JR. national sales manager; 20€ AQUILLA midwest 
manager; JOHN PEASLEY direct response manager; 
A FOSTER TENNANT new york manager 
READER SERVICE 


CYNTINA LACEVSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM. 
MIRE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 


EILEEN KENT contrucis administrator; MARCIA TER. 
колаз rights & permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
curisti uersu chairman, chief executive officer 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING. 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINDIS 60611 


SARANDON INTERVIEW 
Of the Playboy Intervieus that I've read, 
the one with Susan Sarandon (Playboy, 
May) impresscs me most. 1 admire the 
strong self-determination she brought to 
this down-to-earth interview. She def- 
initely deserves the recognition she has re- 
ceived for her fine acting and her political 
'arandon is one classy lady! 
Ted Kirby 
Pontiac, Michigan 


Your interview with Susan Sarandon at 
first appears promising, even fresh. In- 
stead, it turns into a tabloidlike exploita- 
tion of her personal life. 

Dreux DeMack 
Tulsa, Oklahoma 


ALASKAN OIL SPILL 
As the enormity of the damage caused 
by the Exxon oil spill off the coast of 
Valdez, Alaska, becomes more obvious 
with each news update, I remember that 
scveral years ago, when the pipeline was 
bcing constructed, Playboy ran a wonder- 
ful article on it and the town of Valdez. I've 
searched through my back issues of 
Playboy but can't seem to find it. What issue 
, and who is the author? 
Elmer Greenly 
Amarillo, Texas 
The article, tiled, ironically, “Going 
Down in Valdeez,” was written by Harry 


Illustration from 1975's Going Down in Valdeez. 


Crews and appears in the February 1975 is- 
sue. It contains a chilling foreshadowing of 


the Exxon disaster in a comment made to 
Crews on a flight over Valdez Bay: “This is 
where the tankers'll come in to pick up the oil 
off the pipeline. Seems a shame to ruin that 
water. Won't be fit to wash your 
they git through with it.” 


et im when 


To quote Exxon official Don Cornett's 
cavalier remarks on the cost of the Alaskan 
oil spill—“10s just like any other normal 
expense of doing business. If it gets to the 
consumer, that's where it gets.” If that is 
Exxon's normal way of doing business, how 
many more captains with a historv of alco- 
hol abuse does it employ, and what is con- 
sidered a normal background check on 
employees? 


Willis H. Goldsmith. 
La Mesa, California 


A GERALDO FAN SPEAKS 
I just finished reading Just Don't Call 

Him Jerry, Bill Zehmes profile of Geraldo 
Rivera (Playboy, May). One may describe 
Rivera's show as a trip to the supermarket. 
check-out counter (i.e., tabloid television), 
but no one can call his topics fictional. You 
can take Geraldo off the air, but the issues 
he focuses on won't go away. His show pro- 
vides a forum for topics that are real, and 
if they're not being addressed on the “re- 
spectable" talk shows, then Geraldo is 
pr g a service for the American tele- 
vision-viewing public. 

Randy J. Maniloff 

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


BASEBALL PREVIEW 

Contributing Editor Kevin Cook's 
Playboy's 1989 Baseball Preview (May) is off 
on two points. First of all, my beloved Red 
Sox will not go 90 up, 72 down, as he sug- 
gests; they will start off 91-0, finish 0-71 
and lose the division on October first to a 
Cleveland team that will reward its long- 
suffering faithful with a 750 summer and 
2.500 September to take the division when 
Milwaukee's Paul Molitor hits a two-run 


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PLAYBOY 


homer off Rob Murphy in the ninth at Fen- 
way (after the "Tribe loses its scason finalc 
earlier that day). 

Second, Cook's reference to the Cubs as 
a“goombah franchise” isa little off; goom- 
bah implics friend, pal. Im sure Cook and 
Cub fans everywhere think of the Frey- 
Zimmer tag tcam as many things, with 
friend nowhere on the list. I believe the 
word Cook is looking for is cafone, which 
loosely translated. means “one who shits 
where he eats.” 

Aside from those two minor details, this 
is the best baseball piece Гуе read in quite 
some time, obviously written by a fan's fan. 
Here's hoping it’s an annual feature 

Dana Cieslak 
East Boston, Massachusetts 


Finally, after years of giving vour read- 
ers previews of pro and college football 
and basketball, your first baseball preview 
comes crashing through more dramatical- 
ly than a Kirk Gibson homer in the ninth 
inning. Kevin Cooks predictions are more 
powerful than a Jose Canseco tater, hotter 
than a Roger Clemens fastball and more 
vicious than a George Steinbrenner media 
assault. 


John Kastanes 
Chicago, Illinois 


Thank you for Playboys 1989 Baseball 
Preview, by Kevin Cook. Asa sports enthu- 
siast, I always look forward to your sports- 


preview issues, and as a fanatical baseball 


fan, I cagerly read Cook's article to see 
where he projects my Seattle Mariners will 
finish in the American League West. Now, 
1 know that the Mariners have not done 
much to gain respect (never a winning sea- 
son in their history), but it doesnt help 
when something wrong is written about 
them. To wit, Cook refers to a trident on 
their caps. In fact, since last season, the 
Mariners have worn a large yellow S on 
their caps. And it is not true that the 5 is at- 
tached with Velcro to facilitate a quick and 
inexpensive change of letter to represent a 
new city when they move. Remember the 
Twins! From obscurity to world champi- 
ons. Go, Seattle Mariners! 

Gary Kelly 

Irenton, Washington 


Cook says 

Dumb me. The Ms do wear an S on their 
caps these days, making them the S Ms. For 
more on SIM, check “The Playboy Advisor” 
or ask an Ms fan. 


THAT GLASNOST GIRL 

Leapim Lenin! It was only a matter of 
time before glasnost came to glamor. After 
seeing those dynamite photos of Natalya 
Negoda in That Glasnost Girl (Playboy, 
May), Um convinced that the Soviets have 
at last found their counterpart to Marilyn 
Monroe. 


Stephen E Barcus 
Palmdale, California 


1 simply cannot understand why there is 
any animosity between the US. and the 
USS.R. when the Soviets have such am- 
bassadors of good will as Natalya Negoda. 
I just want to go out and take Russian- 
language lessons. Negoda should be paraded. 


From Russia, with love. 
through Red Square on May Day. She is 
definitely a devastating w 
Brian Gillum 
Fort Greely, Alaska 


A joining of perfections—body, pose, 
photography! The poetry of Natalya's cov- 
er portrait will stay in my mind as happily 
as did Wordsworth's vision of daffodils. 
Elliott W. Michener 
El Mante, C; 


Of course, I'm in love with alya. But 
are you sure you photographed the same 
girl who appears in that Russian movic? 
Oh, yes, she could have let her hair grow 
and had it tinted and curled. But how 
could she have hidden those prominent 
ribs that we can count in the scene from 
the movie on page 143? Has she been eat- 
ing better since Little Vera was made? 
Millard H. Perstein 
Sedona, Arizona 
A lot better, Millard. 


HEIMEL INSPIRES BACHELORHOOD 
Cynthia Heimel's Women column contin- 
ues to remind me why I am not married 
and why I refuse to get married 
Samuel Magnusson 
Tampa, Florida 


CROCODILE TEARS 
In your May fashion pictorial Loafing in 
Style, you show a loafer made from 


crocodilian skin. The backdrop for the 
photo is also made of crocodilian skin. 
We realize that you believe that these 


skins were legally obtained and that the 
specimens were raised on farms, but this is 
probably not true. Unlike fur mammals, 
which can be readily bred on farms, rep- 
tiles are considerably more difficult to 
work with and do not breed easily in cap: 
tivity. Economies of scale prevail, and it’s 
much cheaper to import reptiles caught in 
the wild than itis to breed them, Although 
crocodiles, alligators and caymans are 
bred commercially, a staffer at TRAFFIC, 
a world-wide network that monitors illegal 


trade in wildlife under the sponsorship of 
the World Wildlife Fund, has estimated 
that 90 to 98 percent of all reptilians used 
for skin products are actually caught in the 
wild and “laundered” through farms, 
mainly those in Southeast Asia 
We ask for your support in stopping the 

promotion of any product made from rep- 
tile skins. 

Giovanni Fagioli, President 

Paula Gregory, Treasurer 

Pacific Northwest Herpetological 

Society 
Bellevue, Washington 
We share your concern about the sale and 

display of illegally obtained hides. The skins 
shown in “Loafing in Style" were legally ob- 
tained from nonendangered species. The 
shipment of skins from which those came were 
part of the 40,000-skin export quota of 


Guyana, approved and inspected by officials 
from the Convention on International Trade 
in Endangered Species (CITES). Its worth 
noting that American manufacturers who 
make shoes and other products from exolic 
animal skins generally sell products made 
from legally imported, nonendangered skins. 
The best advice we can give our readers is 
that when buying exotic skin and leather 
goods, it’s best to buy American 


OUR FIRST NOEL 
Your May Playmate, Monique Noel, 
made me look twice. Hats off for bringing 
out the best in a truly sexy woman. 
Donald Ferguson HI 
San Diego, California 


Monique Nocl is without question the 
most beautiful woman to grace a gatefold 
since the incomparable Lonny Chin did so 
back in January of 1983. I look forward to 
seeing marvelous Monique on what 1 hope 
will be a regular basis in future issues of 
Playboy and in Playboy Special Editions. I 
am also hopeful that this very special lady 
in one of 
My 


will merit a featured spot 

Playboy's upcoming video ventures. 

VCR and I shall wait with bated breath. 
Jan Richard Gorlin 
Maplewood, New Jersey. 


H 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


IN THEIR CUPS 


The invitation said, quite unmistakably 
“You are invited to a Royce Two- 
Edward Maeder, curator of 
costumes and textiles, Los Angeles County 
Museum of Art, will deliver his interna 
tionally famous slide-illustrated lecture 
‘The Rise and Fall of the Female Breast. 
Reception to follow." Since we simply love 
receptions, how could we resist? 

The Royce Two-Seventy lecture series is 
quite a proper University of California at 
Los Angeles event. The name refers to the 
elegant little hall in which the lectu 
held. Professorial types gather th 
discuss the future of art in America and 
whether or not the theater is dead. They 
do not, as a rule, show up to hear a talk 
about boobs. But there they were, 
pleasant Sunday afternoon, dressed in 
their best tweeds, gentlemen with bow ties, 
ladies with sensible hairdos, the sherr 
embled to hear the 
man who was introduced to us as the 
“Young Pretender to the Throne of Diana 
Vreeland” talk about tits 

As it turns out, Maeder is an affable, 
bearded cherub of a fellow in his carly 10s 
who gave his first lecture on hooters at a 
conference on the state of the breast at- 
tended by 365 plastic surgeons in Santa Fe 
four years ago. He originally wanted to call 
his lecture “In Search of the Breast” or 
“We You're There,” because one 
thing he had noticed, studying the cos- 
tumes of the past 4500 years, is that not on- 
ly do breasts move around in fashion, they 
also come and go. 

For 45 minutes, as dozens of slides were 
flashed before us on a pair (heh, heh) of 
screens, that's exactly what this erudite au- 
dience watched breasts do. From the Goth- 
ic slouch to the monobosom, from the 
breastless flappers of the Twenties to the 
Frederick's look of the Fifties, breasts came 
and breasts went. Breasts headed cast and 
breasts headed west. Breasts merged into 
one and breasts separated into two 

We learned that the phrase bosom 
friend came from a chest warmer made of 
fur or wool worn in the Middle Ages. We 
discovered that the brassiere was invented 
by one Ouo Titslinger (“This is a real 


eventy 
Festivity 


es arc 
to 


ona 


and-bric crowd, as: 


Know 


name!” exclaimed Maeder). 

Where do breasts stand at the moment? 
Not surprisingly, Maeder noted that these 
days, more is more, and fashion is 
reflecting that. He said he had recently 
seen an ad for erect-nipple falsies, selling 
for $29.95 per set. for those who want that 
sudden-chill-at-the-beach look all year 
round. ("My husband makes those,” said а 
woman in the audience just a bit defensive- 
ly. “We Hive very nicely, thanks to falsics.") 

What's next for Maeder? He's presenting 
a paper at the Smithsonian in 1990—on 
the codpiece. We suppose there can be too 
much of a good thing, 


DEAR ERROL .. . 


What happens to a film director who 
makes a movie about a prison inmate that 
results in overturning the con life sen- 
tence and his eventual release? In the case 
of Errol Morris, he winds up with a mail- 
box full of letters from pleading inmates 
who claim that they, too, have gotten a bad 
rap. 

“1 received a good number of letters 
from convicts asking me to take up their 
cases,” said the New York director whose 
celebrated documentary The Thin Blue 


Line uncovered testimony that prompted a 
state appeals court in Texas to upend the 
13-year-old conviction of Randall Dale 
Adams. “I wasn't at all tempted to follow 
up on those letters, though,” said Morris 
“What I did with Adams wasa long, three- 
and-a-half-year struggle, and 1 hope never 
10 go through it again." 

Despite his disclaimer, Morris’ next 
movie will take on the case of another ac- 
cused killer. His upcoming film, The Trial 
of King Boots, is based on the truth- 
stranger-than-fiction story of a prize-win- 
ning old English sheep dog put on trial for 
murder. 


TAKE MY NUMBER, PLEASE 


New Jersey Bell now offers a service 
whereby, for $6.50 per month, the phone 
number from which a person is calling you 
is displayed on your telephone. Pennsylva- 
nia Bell and New York Telephone are 
awaiting the OK from state utility regula- 
tors to do the same. One possible hitch is a 
legal challenge by civil libertarians, who 
claim the service invades the privacy 
of callers, shattering, we suppose, the 
anonymity of heavy breathers, teenage 
pranksters and people who use hotlines. 


RAIL-LIFE ADVENTURES. 


Bobb Hopkins has this idea about travel- 
ing America on “zero dollars a day" Hop- 
kins, a Los Angeles actor and real-estate 
speculator who rides boxcars on weekends 
and is founder of the National Hobo Asso- 
ciation, says he is a “Yuppie hobo.” And 
there are some 3000 hobo hobbyists like 
him—if his association's mailing list is any 
indication. 

The bimonthly newsletter Hobo Times 
and the booklet Hobo Travel Guide are 
Hopkins’ manifestoes to aspiring itiner- 
ants, Hobo Times ($18 per year) is a window 
into rail life, the center spread filled with 
trackside shots of such pseudonymous 
"bos as Wanderin Wills, Sidecar Sam and 
Hopalong Chet. Among the regular de- 
partments: "Vagabond Verses,” "Hobo 
Horoscope" and “Rail Tales,” in which 
Hopkins once told of proposing to his 
bride-to-be on a breath-taking hitch along 


15 


PLAYBOY 


16 


Richard Marx—Fepeal 
Offender(FM) 380915 


Ws True (Areta) 


dn 


МШ Vanilli Gr] You Know 


379610 


À— ee аач ЙЫ‏ سے 


Tore-Loc— Loc'od Aher 
Dark (Deicous Viry). 
373875 
Tanita Tikaram—Anciont 
Hear (Feprse) 381038 
Wendy & Lisa— Fruit At 
The Botiom (Columba) 
380386 
XTC—Oranges & Lemons 
Gefen) 380253 
Enya—Watermark (Geller) 
379925 
TheChick Corea 
Akoustie Band (GRP) 
379691 
Skid Row (Alanic) 379602 
Def Jam Classics, Vol.1 
(el JariCcumba) 379545 
Hiroshima. East (Еро) 


379321 
Charlie Sexton (MCA) 
379230 
George Strait & His Orch 
— Beyord The Blue Neon 
(MCA 379198 
Paul Dean--Hard Core 
(Columba) 379164 


Simply Red—A New 
Flame(Hekra) 378943 
Lyle Lovett— Lyle Lovett 
and His Large Band (CA) 
378935 
The Replacements— 
Don't Tell A Soul 
(Srefiepnse 378927 
LisaLisa— Straight To The 
Sky (Columbia) 378893 
Midge Ure—Answers To 
Nothing (Chrysals) 378766 
New Order—Technigue 
(Quest 378760 
Love At The Movies— 
Various Artists 
(CBS Masterworks) 378612 
Duran Duran—Big Thing 
(Capto 376521 
Dave Grusin Collection. 
(GRP) 378398 
Lou Reed—New York (Sre) 
378216 
Bob Oylan & Grateful. 
Oead(Cuurba| 37817 


"The Pursuit Ot 
Happiness—Love Junk 
(Chrysalis) 377994 
Gipsy Kings. 
(ElekraiNusican) 377812 
Neil Diamord—The Best 
Years Of OurLives 
(Columba) 376541 


Crosby, Stills, Nash And 
Young- American Dream. 
(Atari) 378533 
Gilbert Kaplan—Mahler 
Symphony No.2 
(Resurrection) London 
‘Symphony Orchestra 
(MCA Classics) 
376517-396515 
Beaches — Original 
Soundtrack (Arto, 


19669 


IU 
| 


| tue nawsruneoosen 


PEA 


Fine Young Cannibals - 
— The Raw & The Coched 
(RS) 37924 


Elvis Costello—Spike 


(Warner Bros) — 37Bi90 
Lee Fitenour— Festival 
(GRP) 376301 


Tittary—Hoid An Old 
Friend's Hand. (MCA) 
376236 
Dokkan—Boast From The 
East(Elekra) 276228 
‘The Best Of Earth, Wind 


376160 
‘Sheena Easton—The 
Loverin Ne (MCA) 376095 
Andres Segovia The 

laroque Guitar Segovia. 
Сает моа 00 
(UCA Dasscs) 375998 
Jett Healy Band—See 
The Light{Arsia) 378873 
Was (Not Was)—What's 
Up Dog? (Chrysals) 375857. 
Kix— Blow My Fuse 


(Asante) 375832 
Kim Wilde—Close (NCA) 
375816 


Fleetwood mac's 
Greatest Hits 
amer Bros) 375782 
Samantha Fox Wanna 
Have Some Fun (Ive/ACA) 
375725 
та Tuesday Everyrung s 
Diflerent Now Fc) 375649 
Weird Al Yankovic 
Greatest Hits 
(Pock N Ro) 375642 
Pet Shop Boys— 
їпгозрейе EMMI) 375592 
The Dickey Betts Band— 
Pater Disruptive Epc) 
318516 
Johnry Winter The. 
Winter ON 88 (MCA) 375527 
Gordon Lightfoo!—Gords 
Goid Volume i 
(Wane Bros) 375519 
Karyn White (Warmer Bros) 
E 
Journey s Greatest Hits, 
¡Canoa 375279 
;36 Speclal—Rocx & Ной 
Strategy (EMÎ 375139 
Levert—Just Cool’ 
(Aton 275105 
Ratt—Reach For The Sky 
(Atari) 375071 
Dire Straits Money For 
Nothing Mamer Bor) 
315055 
Barbra Steisand— Til 
Loved You Coumba) 


374884 
El Debarge—Geminı 
(Motown) 374801 
Kansas—In The Spit Ot 
Things(MCA) —— 3/4753 
R.E.M.—Eporymous. 
(RS) 314777. 


Tesla—The Great Radio 
Controversy (Сейег)377986. 


Roy Orbison—Mystery Gri 
(Vean) ‘377101 
Bulletboys (Warmer Bros) 
374702 
Bad Company— 
Dangerous Age (Afantc) 
374660 
Canadian Brass—The 
Mozart Album (CBS Master) 
314561 
Little Реа Lot it Rol 
(Werner Bros) — 373720 


R.E.M.—Green. 
(WamerBros) 375162 
Portrait Of Wynton 
Marsalls (CBS Master) 
373555 


Luciano Pavarotti—in 
Concert (CBS Master) 


373548 
Guy (MCA) 373415 
Luther Vandross—Any 

Love(Epc) 373399 


Winger (Atanıc) 374652 
Britny Fox (Columba) 
372813 
Metalllca—And Justice For 
AN (Elektra) 372805 


Big Audio Oynamite— 
Tighten Up, Val 88 
(Columba) 372672 


Melissa Etheridge (sarc) 
= E 


Classics from the 50s, 60s, 70s 


Best Of Canned Heat. 

(EM) 380832 

10 Years Afier—A Space 

In Time (Chrysais) 380790 

John Lennon / Yoko Ono. 

Double Fantasy (Capo) 
380774 


Crosby, Stills, Nash and 
Young—So Far (Atari 
‘376745, 
Grateful Dead. Solelons. 
From The Cosel 
(Werner Bros) 378406 
Roy Orbison—The All. 
Time Hits, Vols. 18 2 
(Columba Specs Produc) 
377545 
The Who—Who's Better, 
Who's Bast (MCA) 376857 
Dion and The Belmonte 
—Their Best (Laune) 


Spark Asjium) 367102 
Styx Classics Vol 15 
2 304248 
Little Feat—Disie Chicken 
(Wainer Bros) 36:515 
Best Of The Doors 
(Бема) 357516397812 
Janis Joplin—Ci 
nis (Cound 


simi Hendrix —Are You 
Experienced? (Борго) 
ЕЕ 


Yes—Fragile (Alanic) 
351957 


Trattic—The Low SparkOf 
HighHeeled Boys (sand) 

351924 
Folling Stones—Exie On 
Nain Street 


(Roling Stones Rec ) 350852 


The Best Of The Chittons 
(BC Records) 380782 
Rolling Stones —Stcky 


po 
(Roling Stones Rec) 
350645 
Buddy Holly- From me 
Orig. “Tapes (МСА) 
34310 
The Ooobie Bromers— 
Movie SM 
Mares) 317826 
“The Beach Boys Mace 
Inne Sa Coi) 
uus 
Jethro Yut- Aqua 
(Omas) ass 
Best Of Procol Harum 
(an) Эмг 
ruck Berry Tro Great 
Twenty Eight (Chess) 
343657 


The Byrds—Greatest Hits 
(Columba) E 
Bad Company—10 From 6 
(Avanti) E 
Jos Cockar— Groated Hits 
(AEM) 32091 
Molown's 25 41 Hits 
Various Artists [Moiown) 
319995-309998 
Elton John—Greatest Hits 
MCA] 35^ 
The Best Of Vanilla. 
Fudge(ATCO) 316489 
Chicago" Greatesi Hits, 
Vol il Columba) 312314 


The Who— Tommy (MCA) 
Eun 

The Doors —L A. Woman 

(Elektra) 340810 


Best Of Kansas” 
(CAS Assoc) 327742 


Pop Classics Of The 60's 
(Columba) 380501 
Best Of Blondie (Chey=2is) 
nen 
Creedence Clearwater 
Revival—20 Greatest His 
(Fantesy) 308049 
Iyya Skynyrd Band— 
& Planum (MCA) 
307447-397448 


Led Zeppelin (Alaric) 


Joe Jackson—Look 
rom Su 
Cheap Тіск At Budokan 
(Epa 292326 
¡Jackson Browne—The 
Pretender (Asylum) 202243 
Woodstock—Driciral 
Soundtrack (Алап. 
291864-301862 
Emerson, Lake & Palmer 
—Brain Salad Surgery 
lao 291526 


Led Zeppelin IV (ante 
: 291435 


Eagles Greatest Hts 
1971-1975 (Asylum) 267003. 
Linda Ronstadt—Greatest 
Hts (Asylum) 286740 
Chicago"—Greatest Hits 
(Columba) 260698. 
Santana Greatest Has. 
(Columba) 244459 
Janis Joplin Greatest 
His (Counta) 231670 
Simon & Garlunkel— 
Greatest Hits 

(Comas) 219477 
Bob Dylan—Grostest His 
(Columba) 138586 
Rock Classics Of The 
60's Columbia) 380403 


Eddie Money—Nofhing To. 
Lose (Columba) 374223 


Vixen (EMI) 374108 

Kronos Quartet Winter 

Was Hard (Nonesuch) 
373993 


Escape Club—Wild Wid 
West (Atanıc) 373787 


A Jarreau—Hear's 
Horizon (Reprise) 376186 


Ozzy Osbourne—No Rest 
For The Wicked (Epc) 


ys—Mossages 
From The Boys (Моют) 
76258 


E 
Edie Brickell & New 
Bohemians— Shooting 
Rubberbands At The Stars 
(Getter) 374835 


The Movies Go To The 
Datus Anis 
(Ange! Sudo) 372342 
Gregg Allman Just 
Before The Bullets Fly 
(Epc) 372177 
Cocktall Original 
Soundtrack. (Eektra) 
373779 
Paula Abdul Forovor 
Your Girl (Vrgin) 374637 


Dobbie Gibson—Electrc 
377275 Les. (Geter) 


Youth (Alan) 


GunsN' Roses—GN'A 
376087 (Co! 


Bangles—Everything 


) 973829, 


Anita Baker—Giving You 
Tho Bast That I Got (Elektra) 
374058 
Breathe—All That Jazz 
(ARM) Snaer 
Huey Lewis And The. 
News Srrall World 
(aa) anam 
New Edition—Hoan Break 
(MCR 370882 
Spyro Gyra—Rites of 
битте МСА) 370707 
Pat Benatar—Wide Awake 
In Dreamland (Chrys) 
370528 
Europe Cut Ot This 
World (Epc) 370403 
Robert Palmer Heavy 
Nova (EMI) 370095 
Jimmy Page—Outider 
[95 Med 370387 
‘avid Sanborn—Close Up 
(WamerBios) 370304 
Richard Marx (ЕМ) 369611 
Ziggy Marley & The 
Melody Maker — 
Conscious Party (Vicar 
309512 
Joe Jackson—Live 1980 
1986 (Asta) 360504-399501 
Yan Halen—OUBI2 
(Amer Bios) 38937 
DJ Jazzy Jett 8 Fresh 
Prince He's the DJ Im 
Rapper Jess /RCA) 
369264 
Prince—Love Sexy 
Pasoy Pary 369124 
Chicago" 19 (Reprse) 
368829 


Poison—Open Up And 
Say. Ahh! (CapiciEn ma) 
y. spite mo) 


megar mana 
wwe 
Marian: 

diis 
Blackhearts—Up Your 
= 

Fo 
ТОЕ: 
pert 
plc. 
М келат, 
ЖИ 
tea otc men 
frimum, 
Robert Plart—Now and 
Manan Or ао 
Peres 
a Smor oraaa 
LED en 

The jood— 

-— 
pavate rom 

pM 


Bobby Brown—Don't Be 
Cruel (NCA) 372045 


Kenny G—Sinovette 
(Ansia) 371559 
Taylor Dayne—TEll t To My 
Heart (Arla) звати 
Forelgner—Inside 
Information (Allaric) 364018 
Linda Ronstadt— 
Cancones De Mi Padre 
(Авул) 362640 
Pretenders—The Singles 
(Sre) 362541 
Steve Winwood— 
Chronicles (Isard) 362525. 
Michael Jackson—Bad 
Ena 362079 
Sting —. Nothina Like The 
‘Sun (Ai) 361675 
introducing The Hardline 
‘According To Terence 
Trant D'Arby (Columbia) 
361518 
Yes—Big Generator 
(ATCO), 361170 
Bruce Springsteen— 
Tunnel Of Love (Columba) 
as 
Billy dcl — Vital Idol 
(Chrysalis) ‘360107 
Steve Winwood—Roll 
мапи (ego) 371211 


The greatest music is an CD—and 
here's your chance to pick eight favorites 
ted in this ad. As o special introductory 
offer to the CBS Compact Disc Club, you can 
select any eight CDs for k All you do is МЇ 
in and mall the applicatian—we'll send your 
eight CDs ond bill you I& plus shipping ond 
handling. You simply agree to buy six mare 
CDs (ot regular Club prices) in the nex! three 
years--and yau may then concel your 
membership onytime after daing sc. 

How the Club works. About every faur 
weeks (I3times a year] ycullreceive the 
Clubs music magazine, which describes the 
Selection of the Month for your musical 
interest. ..plus many exciting olternates. In 
addition, up ta six times a yeor, youmay 
receive afers of Special Selections, usually 
ata discount ofl regular Club prices, foro 
total af up to I9 buying opportunities. 

If you wish to receive the Selection of the 
Month, you need do nathing—it will be 
shipped automatically If you prefer on oher. 
nate selection, or none ot oll fillin tho 
response cord always provided and mailit 
bythe date specified. You will always have ot 


least 10 daysin which lo make your decision. 
Гуси ever receive any Selectionwithout 
having 10 days ta decide, you may returnit 
ot our expense. 

The CDs you order during your member- 
ship will be billed ot regular Club prices, 
which currently ore $298 to $159B—plus 
shipping ondhonding. (Multiple-unit sets 
may be somewhat higher] Aller completing 
your enrollment agreement youmoy cancel 
membership al any lime; if you decide to 
cantinue os o member, youll be eligible for 
Gur money-saving bonus plon. Itlets you buy 
one CD at half price far each CD you buyot 
regular Club prices. 
10-Doy Free Trial: We'llsend detailsol the 
Clubs operation with your introduciory ship- 
ment. If you ore not satisfied for any reason 
whatsoever, just return everything within 10 
days and you will have na further cbligoton 
So why nat choose 8 CDs for K right now? 
ADVANCE BONUS OFFER: As o special 
aller ta new members, take one acditanal 
Compacı Disc right now ond pay only $695, 
Ifs a chance to get a ninth selection ol o 
superlaw price! 


CBS COMPACT DISC CLUB: Terre Haute, IN 47811 


Selections with two numbers conin 2 CDs ond ccunt os 2-50 write in bof numbers 


© 1989CBS Records Inc. 


1 
1 
1 
1 
1 
| 
l 
1 
1 
l 
1 
l 
1 
| 
1 
1 
| 


Madonna—Like A Prayer 
ee) 379594 


Living Союш Ума 
(Epc) 370833 
Guns N' Roses—Appente 
For Destructon (Gen), 
359984 
White Lion—Prde 
(Avaric) 359471 
Aercsmith—Permanert 
Vacation (Geter) 359075 
Grateful Dead—in The 
Dark (Arte) 357087 
Heart—Bad Animals 
(Capio) 350007 
V2. The Joshua Tree, 
(lard) 354449 
The Police—Every Breath 
You Toc... The Singlos 
(BEN) 348318 
Robert Palmer—Fiptide 
(sana 341305 


Tho Сака Groatost His 
(еа) 339903 


Best Of J. Geils Band— 
Flashback (ЕМ) 339424 


Tracy Chapman. (Elektra) 
369892 


Kenny Loggins—Back To 
Avalon (Columba) 372961 
Randy Travis— Ole 8 x10 

Marner Bros) 370643 


Traveling Wilburys Volt 
[os 375089 


Bobby McFerrin— Smple. 
Pleasures (ENI) 369306. 
Billy Joel" Greatest Hits 
Vds. 18 2(Coumba) 
336396-396980 
Bruce Springsteen — Born. 
A) 
326629 


Tem Potty & The 
Heanbreakers- Damn. 
The Torpedoes (ICA 
224442 
Huey Lewis end The 
News Spons (Cysts) 
22024 
Foreigner-- Records 
(tant Sscss 
Squsece Gees 463 
And Under (naht 317874 
Stevie Wonder—Ong 
Musiguarum I Greatest 
Fits (ami 314997-394999. 


Barry Manilow—Greatest 
Hits (Areta) 288670 
New Kids On The Block 
—Напдит Tough 
(Columba) 360423 
Elton John—Rog Stikes 
Back(MCA) 370536 
Madonna—You Can 
Dance (Ste) 362657. 


mns 
РО. Box 1129, Terre Haute, Indiana 47BN-1129 
ined in ths 
ne E plus 
ft regular. 
ТЫ pices in the coming three ўрата und moy corcel my membership of ony 
fime йө оозе 
SEND ME THESE T 
сокон 
‘My mein musical interest is (check опе} (Bu may Glecyschonse ron) 
C Herd Rock O Soh Rock O ort 
Von Helen, Debbie Gibson, Kenny G. 
uz Ficelccd Mar Al orrec 
O fesy tistening/Po O (озсо 
Fel Diamond, Borbra Sreisond, Vomit Heron 
Johnny Mats, Ray Солей Luciano Ромага 
Me 
Mas. 
MES erstens [s 
Address др 
су 
зае Zp — 
Doyouhove VERIO Liver CT No 
Deyeuhave o credi cord? (03) O¥es [1No 2BG/F6__2BHF7 


ADVANCEBONUS OFFER: Also send me 


one more CD nghi now atthe super low price 


Sive $695, which wil be billed to me. 


sio APO IPO Alta, Mawes! 
eor re es Ginea ena 


17 


RAW 


SIGNIFICA, |_ SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | |_ SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | AND FAC 


“On the premise 
that the collection of 
delinquent accounts 
would be most ad- 
versely affected, and 
in many cases would 
be impossible in a dis- 
aster area, the service 
will concentrate on 
the collection of cur- 
rent taxes." —Írom 
the IRS" Internal Rev- 
enue Manual, on col- 
lecting taxes after a 


UP, UP AND AWAY 


Busiest airport in 
the United States: 
O'Hare International 
Airport, Chicago. 


Number of passen- 
gers who use O'Hare in a year: 
57,500,000; in an average day: 160,000. 


. 

Percentage of O'Hare users deplan- 
ing in Chicago: 50. 

б 

Number of homeless people living at 

O'Hare: 60; in cold weather, 200. 
. 

Average number of planes that use 

O'Hare every hour: 110 
. 

Number of passenger airlines that 

service O'Hare: 41. 
. 

Number of passenger gates at 
O'Hare: 134. Time required to walk 
between O'Hares most widely separat- 
ed gates: half an hour. 


. 

Average number of bags checked 
daily at O'Hare: 120000. Average 
number that are temporarily lost or 
damaged daily: 500. 


. 

Number of liquor miniatures loaded 
onto outgoing flights daily at O'Hare, 
200,000; cans of beer, 25,000; bags of 
peanuts, 70,000. 


SHADES 


Favorite color for a sports car nation- 
black. Favorite color in the West, 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


Forty-one percent of Ameri- 
сап parents want a child of 
theirs to become President of 
the United States 


DATA 


the South, 
in the Midwest, 
black; in the North- 
east, black. 

. 

Favorite color for a 
luxury car on the 
West Coast, white; in 
the South, white; 
the Midwest and 
Northeast, white. 

О 

Favorite color for 
light trucks nation- 
wide: red. 


SMALL POTATOES 


Number of Ame 
cans with minimum- 
wage jobs: 8,000,000. 

. 


Percentage who are 
we 1% 84, who 
arc white, 80; who are 
women, 60; who arc in service jobs, 86; 
who are members of poor families, 35. 


BENCH WARMERS 


‘Total number of district and appel- 
late judges appointed by President Rea- 
gan, 379; by President Carter, 958. 

. 


Percentage of Reagans appointees 
who were male, 91.8; of Carter's, 84.5. 
а 
Percentage of Reagans appointecs 
who were white, 94; of Carter's, 787, 


. 
Number of Federal judges appointed. 
to appeals courts by Reagan: 83. 


Total number of 
judges: 168. 


LESS IS MORE 


Percentage of Americans who think 
they are overweight: 40, Percentage 
who think they are too thin: five. 
А 

Percentage who are on a diet, 20; who 
think they should eat fewer desserts, 
40; who think they should eat more 
fish, 70; who think they should eat less 
red meat, 40. 


appeals-court 


P 
Percentage who claim to be consum- 
ing fewer calories this year: 47. 


the Southern Pacific line. 

Morc utilitarian is the travel guide, its 
list of hobo hall-of-famers notwithstand- 
ing. The 27-page booklet ($9.95 for non- 
members) providesa check list for clothing 
and equipment, maps of train routes, 
pointers on sponging meals, translations 
of hobo sign language and this comforting 
caveat: “Мше: It is illegal to hop freight 
trains.” Ло subscribe, contact the 
Hobo Association, World Way Cente 
90430, Los Angeles 90009, 213-645. 
Revenues are donated to r e indigent 
tramps in missions and hobo jungles. 


RARE FIND 


Here's the most sizzling news item of the 
month: George Stephen, the underappre- 
ciated inventor of that indispensable piece 
of back-yard sculpture, the Weber grill, 
has now opened a restaurant—The Weber 
Grill, naturally. Located in Wheeling, Ii- 
nois, the boite specializes їп entrees 
broiled on Weber grills in an indoor 
kitchen. Grab your dad and come on 
down. 


Schimmel speaking the truth. 


In the tradition of Lenny Bruce and 
Buddy Hackett, comic Robert Schimmel ex- 
plores love dolis, gerbil fetishes and other. 
daring subjects. Under Rodney Dan- 
gerfield's sweaty wing, the former stereo 
salesman has made many cable appear- 
ances since his debut on amateur night at 
L.A’s Improv. Now he's becoming a hot 
property with his upcoming cable special, 
a live LP and his "triple-X-rated" night 
club gig. We asked Schimmel to describe 
his work. 

“What I'm doing is telling the wuth— 
and that’s the only reason I get away with 
what Pm doing. Even the joke about gay 
ys sticking gerbils up their asses—I 
didn't invent that. Everything that I talk 
about, everyone's already heard about. But 
I go on stage and talk about it, Someone 
has to. Take all these weird products that 
you can send away for, Like Mr. Big cream: 
It says on the box, ‘Rub it on your dick and 
your dick gets bigger.’ Well,” he says, paus- 
ing wickedly, “wouldn't your hands get big- 
ger, too?" He's right. Someone has to talk 
about this stuff. Why not Schimmel? 


Danny 
Sullivan 
on the 
Winner's 
Circle. 


I like taking the inside track. 
In arace. Anytime. Anywhere. 
Mike getting there first. Where 

1 go. What! do. What | wear. 

Like wearing “The Winner's 
Circle." It's spiral stainless steel. 
Polished black onyx. Solid 
sterling silver. And 14 karat gold. 
It's the inside track. Just $195. 
Only from The Franklin Mint. 


Shown actual size. d 


The Fronklin Mint 
Franklin Center, Pennsylvanio 19091 
Send me The Winner's Circle steel 
brocelet. Imported. 

No poyment is required now. Bill me 
in five equal monthly instellments of 


$39.* each, with the first due prior to 


shipment. "Plus my slate soles tox onda total oF 
33. for shipping and handling. 


Signature 
Mr./Mrs./Miss 
Address 
City/State/Zip 


12261-50 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


spike Lee's daring, deeply personal Do the 
Right Thing (Universal) could be seen as a 
comedy aimed at bolstering black pride. It 
could also be viewed as an incitement to 
riot. Lee, jauntily sporting four hats as 
writer, producer, director and star, lets you 
have it both ways, because that's the way he 
wants his challenging third film—his best 
by a city mile—to be. Most of it happens in 
or around an Italian pizza parlor on a 
street corner in Brooklyn's volatile Bed- 
ford-Stuyvesant section. But this is no con- 
ventional slum saga. Bed-Stuy's streets are 
brightly painted, as if for a street fair, 
crowded with troublemakers, tarts, win- 
ners, losers, kids playing stickball, a guy 
called Radio (Bill Nunn), whose ghetto 
blaster keeps the rhythm, plus a trio of 
profane sidewalk people watchers who 
function almost as a Greek chorus. Lee 
plays Mookie, who works when he feels like 
it for Sal the pizza man (commandingly 
played by Danny Aiello). John Turturro 
and Richard Edson, as Sal's contentious 
sons, and Giancarlo Esposito, as a colorful 
cat called Buggin Out, head a motley crew 
of performers, including Ruby Dee, Ossie 
Davis, John Savage and Rosie Perez. For a 
while, their petty squabbles seem amiably 
bittersweet and ordinary—Our Town with 
an Afro-American slam. Then the under- 
currents of anger and racial enmity erupt 
in sudden, brutal violence, and that’s 
where Right Thing leaves you—shaken up 
and sent home to ponder a couple of con- 
tradictory closing quotes from Malcolm X 
and Martin Luther King, Jr. Spike Lee's 
both disturbing and disorganized, but 
he hereby carns points as a militant 
moviemaker who brightens his harangucs 
with the soul of a born showman. WW 
. 

A Manhattan womanizer (Nicolas Cage) 
who cruises the dubs for companionship 
notices that his latest one-night stand ( Jen- 
nifer Beals) has left some suspicious little 
puncture marks on his neck. Soon after, 
hes careening through the streets, beg- 
ging passers-by to pound a wooden stake 
through his heart. He also confesses to his 
shrink (Elizabeth Ashley) that he has been 
driven to rape and murder. She tells him 
he has no cause to worry, which may be a 
clue that Vampires Kiss (Hemdale) was 
meant to be a comedy. Unfortunately, no 
one remembered to put in any lines worth 
a good laugh. The writer and director did 
manage to make several usually competent 
performers look foolish—shoving Cage 
front and center with egg on his fangs in а 
painfully embarrassing performance. If 
he can live this one down, there's nowhere 
to go but up. Y 


e 
Normally, we look to prime-time TV for 
problem dramas about bad kids from 


Lee, Aiello doing The Right Thing. 


Spike Lee hits a four- 
bagger; Bartels on 
the offensive again. 


good middle-class families, working out 
their angst with a sympathetic doctor in a 
haltway house for troubled teens. Lost An- 
gels (Orion) fits the description but over- 
comes the curse of familiarity with style, 
shrewd casting and emotional intensity. Di- 
rector Hugh Hudson, best known for such 
large-scale epics as Greystoke and his Os- 
car-winning Chariots of Fire, rims his sails 
10 suit Michael Weller's edgy, introspective 
screenplay. Donald Sutherland, solid as ev- 
er, plays the conscientious resident shrink, 
who has his own hang-ups with alcohol 
and marital strife. Hudson gambles and 
wins, though, with three movie newcom- 
ers in pivotal roles: Amy Locane and 
Don Bloomfield, as a couple of terminally 
overprivileged delinquents, and Adam 
Horovitz as Tim, the rebellious, embit- 
tered hero whose misdeeds are nearly al- 
ays reactions to parental rejection. He's a 
product of affluence in Californias San 
Fernando Valley, which he sees as an en- 
clave of "better homes for bigger assholes. 
Horovitz, the son of playwright Israel 
Horovitz and onc of the music world's infa- 
mous Beastie Boys before he segued into 
cinema, has the appealing screen presence 
and self-awareness that indicate an impor 
tant career move. WV 
б 

Director Paul Bartel, whose specialty is 
culture shock (e.g, Ealing Raoul), has a 
field among the rich and feckless in 
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills 
(Cinecom). “If this material doesn't offend 
anybody, it isn't working,” says Bartel, him- 
self cast as a leering "thinologist" whose 


chief client is a faded sitcom star, played by 
Jacqueline Bisset. In the spirit of the occa- 
sion, Bisset contributes some uncharacter- 
istically bawdy talk, describing a stud who. 
“can suck your box until your nose bleeds.” 
She's the hostess with a mansion full of 
weekend guests, including the leering 
ghost of her late husband (director Paul 
Mazursky, moonlighting in the role) and 
the divorcee next door (Mary Woronov). 
Moronovs bisexual manservant (Ray 
Sharkey) wants to bed Bissets houseman 
(Robert Beltran) and finally succeeds, fol- 
lowing a $5000 wager about which stud 
will be first to seduce the other's employer. 
Ed Begley, Jr., Arnetia Walker and Wallace 
Shawn also turn up—all slamming bed- 
room doors and playing sex games with 
gusto. Although the title smacks of mean- 
ingful satire, Scenes from the Class Struggle 
has no pretensions to redeeming social 
value. Its unabashed camp, a naughty but 
nifty low comedy full of high spirits and 
deluxe decor. WW 
. 

Two Isracli soldiers traumatized during 
the 1973 October War share a hospital 
room in Shell Shock (Angclika), an intensely 
personal drama by writer-producer-direc- 
tor Yoel Sharon, himself a crippled veteran 
of that conflict Asher Tsarfati and 
Dan ‘Turgeman co-star, respectively, as 
an officer aud a nonton combat pliotog- 
rapher whose psychic wounds bring them 
together, with Anat Atzmon in a standard 
but sympathetic role as the cameraman's 
patient, put-upon wife. Sharon often de- 
feats his purpose with fairly simplistic 
dramaturgy about the road back from 
warscarred nightmares to normalcy, yet 
theres stinging truth in the performances, 
plus passionate concern between the lines 
from a film maker who has been there and 
bled. we 


E 

Down-home domestic drama erupts, 
mildly, in Velentino Returns (Skouras). The 
title refers to the name given by the hero, 
Wayne (Barry Tubb), to his famingo-pink 
Cadillac, which symbolizes his yearning 
for romance and adventure. He lives in a 
poky California town back in the Fifties, so 
his aspirations boil down to back-seat sex 
with an egg farmers daughter (Jenny 
Wright). Much of the time, he’s forced 
to arbitrate differences between his es- 
tranged parents Veronica Cartwright 
plays the weary mom, who has had it with 
Wayne’ drunken, philandering dad (Fred- 
eric Forrest). The acting is fine through- 
out, but do we need another tenuous 
coming-of-age tale, even with a competent 
screenplay by Leonard Gardner, who 
wrote the novel and screenplay for John 
Huston’s Fat City? ҸҸ 

. 

Hear the one about the Yuppie who took 

every known chemical back in the Sixties? 


“Now he's bi 
hi 


g about preservatives in 
it this timely punch 
Larry Scarano, 


He may have been born Greg 
Pead, but his name now really is 
Yahoo Serious. At 35, he's a pop idol 
down under an Australian show- 
biz phenomenon unmatched since 
"Crocodile" Dundee 
the hoopla is Young 
cap pseudobiographical у 
stating the proposition “In 1905 he 
discovered relativity. In 1906 he in- 
vented rock and roll.” Serious got 
the idea while traveling “in the up- 
1 saw 
п native carrying some 
beers and wearing a T-shirt with a 
picture of Albert Einstein on it, and 


it just went whammo.” Several years 
later, with Yahoo as co-author, pro- 
ducer and titular star, the movie 
opened in Australia and made 
mincemeat of such megahits as Star 
Wars and Who Framed Roger Rabbit. 
Outgrossing Roger Rabbit particu- 
larly pleases the avid surfer and for- 
mer art student (expelled “because 1 
wrote jokes on canvases and hung 
them up"), who cites Woody Allen, 
Andy Warhol and David Lean as 
ajor sources of inspiration—scc- 
ond only to Bugs Bunny cartoons. 
“That comic-strip reality showed me 
how to make a movie about a guy 
who splits the atom and lives.” Re his 
inky moniker: “It just struck me as 
a very funny name. .. . Even my dad 
calls me Yahoo now. The director 
part of me is Mr. Serious.” Do Seri- 
ous movies contain a message for 
our time? “There's a whole lot of. 
messages. Its like a supermarket — 
you just take off the shelf what you 
want” While waiting to see how 
Young Einstein fares Stateside, Ya- 
hoo compares his sudden success to 
“I get these letters 

nd people want me to 
ae a commercials. As a sole model, 
ү mercials 


whose act is funnier—and cleaner—than 
most of those in Comedys Dirriest Dozen (In- 
dependent Releasing), Twelve comedians, 
generally too raunchy for spots on the Car- 
son or Letterman shows, cach deliver seven- 
minute routines full of scabrous material 
about drugs, sex, politics and flatulence. 
You name it, they run with it. The pro- 
gram is wildly uneven, witha painfully un- 
funny clown billed as “The Jokeman," 
whose one-liners are all groaners, and an 
inept ventriloquist whose hilarious routine 
would score higher if his lips didn't move. 
But Chris Rock and Steven Pearl are 
names to remember. Theyll have you 
rolling on the carpet, if not in the aisles, 
when producer Stuart S. Shapiro's down- 
and-dirty Dozen goes to the video tape as a 
take-home hit. ¥¥/2 
. 

The one thing to be learned from Road 
House (MGM/UA) is the information that a 
“cooler” is a superbouncer, the kind of guy 
who can clear out the riffratf from a joint 
called the Double Deuce in a lawless West- 
ern town called Jasper. А take-charge 
director appropriately named Rowdy 
Herrington manages the brawls, with 
Patrick Swayze looking especially fit as 
Dalton, a supercooler whos supposed to 
have majored in philosophy at NYU—and 
must have minored in martial arts. Wi 
little help from a senior cooler ( 
liou) and a fetching doctor (Kelly 
who bathes his wounds and warms his bed, 
Swayze vanquishes hordes of thugs cm- 
ployed by the local ayatollah (Ben. 

ўрісаї of those genial good-bad 
movies that often rake in huge profits, 
Road House is a High Noon rehashed and 
thoroughly trashed for contemporary 
diences—aimed, in general, at the type of 
consumer who might enjoy Rambo or wres- 
tling matches or picking fights in a neigh- 
borhood bar. vYa 


. 

An almost doggedly uncinematic idea 
pays off, anyway, thanks to French savoir- 
faire, in La Lectrice (Orion C 
title means “The Reader, 
Michel Deville had the good sense to cast 
Miou-Miou, a most resourceful and watch- 
able actress, as a young woman who de- 
cides to earn her living by reading 10 
people. Or perhaps she just imagines that 
she does. Either way, the results are subtly, 
surprisingly erotic, as the heroine explores 
lust and language with an infinite variety 
n injured adolescent in a 
wheelchair, possibly excited by pas 
from Baudelaire, tells her, 
wear no panties under your skirt." Things 
go considerably beyond titillation with a 
businessman (Patrick Chesnais, winner of 
a Cesar—ihe French Oscar—for this 
role) who has a problem with prema- 
ture ejaculation and seems 10 equate 
reading aloud with oral sex. There's 
much more. Although slow to build, and 
wordy by definition, La Lectrice finally 
commands attention like a book you can't 
рш down. vvv 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (Re- 
viewed 4/89) Comic high adventure 
highlighted by Robin iams mad, 
mad bit as King of the Moon. УУУУ 
Chocolat (7/89) Forbidden pleasures in 
French colonial Africa. yyy 
Comedys Dirtiest Dozen (See review) 


Stand-up sleaze, but often droll. жз 
Crusoe (6/89) This time, its Aidan 
Quinn surviving a shipwreck. wh 


Dead Calm (6/89) More bad business at 
sea with a psychopath atthe helm. ¥ 
Do the Right Thing (See review) Spike Lee 
gets it nearly all together. vu 
84 Charlie MoPic (6/89) A combat cam- 
eramans close-up view of Nam. ¥¥¥ 
Field of Dreams (7/89) A baseball fantasy 
that owes a lot to Costner's charisma. A 
hard call, upgraded. wy 
Getting It Right (7/89) Comedy about a 
virginal British hairdresser on the go, 
mostly with Lynn Redgrave. yy 
How to Get Ahead in Advertising (7/89) 
All about zits; oddly amusing. — ¥¥¥ 
Lowrence of Arabia (5/89) David Lean's 
classic, and they really don't make 
movies like this anymore. WIV 
Lo Lectrice (Sce review) Sex kitten Miou- 
Miou turns over a new leaf. wy 
Listen to Me (7/89) Kirk Cameron and 
Jami Gertz give pro-life a hearing. ¥ 
Little Vore (5/80) She's ripe, ready, Rus- 
sian—and pushing glasnost. — wa 
Lost Angels (See review) Well, anyway, 
watch Adam Horovitz take wing. жж 
Loverboy (7/89) Has pizza, will travel, 
and puts out for frustrated matrons in 
Beverly Hills. Hmmm. ¥ 
Miss Firecracker (6/89) Beauty contest 
down in Dixie—Mary Steenburgen and 
Holly Hunter make it sparkle. vvv 
On the Make (7/89) Cautionary youth 
drama in the era of AIDS. Wi 
The Rainbow (7/89) Ken Russell's pre- 
quel to D. H. Lawrences Women in 
Love—the sexual-awakening years. ¥¥¥ 
Road House (Scc review) What a dump, 
until Swayze ghtens it out. LZ 
Scandal (5/89) There'll always be an 
England full of party girls, red-faced 
politicians and headlines. wy 
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly 
Hills (See review) A sexy, funny look at 
the servant problem. vv 
Shell Shock (See review) Two Isra 
diers recovering fr 


sy about dreamers in a Maine seaside 
town, with Arthur Kennedy: ¥ 
Valentino Returns (See review) Youth on 
wheels coming of age 
Vampire's Kiss (See review) Sucks 


yvy Outstanding 
wxx% Don't miss жа Worth a look 
узу Good show ¥ Forget it 


21 


VIDEO 


LIEST SHO] 


When it comes to choos- 
ing videos, Katey Sagal 
is not exactly the bub- 
biehead she plays on 
the TV hit Married . 
with Children. 
daughter of film Hi 
rector Boris Sagal and 
veteran of 13 years on 
the road as a rock singer. Sagal has decidedly 
varied tastes. “Alfred Hitchcock is my numbe 
‘one fave for VCR viewing—especially Vertigo 
and Notorious. But I'm also a trash queen, so I've 
rented Valley of the Dolls, with Patty Duke, more 
than once. My big rental tip is an obscure gem 
called Simon, with Alan Arkin. And Carnal Knowl- 
edge is an amazing film.” Anything on video that 
sparks the songstress in Sagal? “Elvis movi 
My dad actually directed Girl Kappy. 

LAURA FISSINGER. 


VIDEO SLEEPERS 
good movies that crept out of town 


The Conversation: Except for The Godfather 
ig sequel, the best film ever 


man at : 
who develops qu 
Watch for Harrison Ford csl Robert Du- 


vall amid the high-tech hardware. 
The Grasshopper: Early Jacqu 
(1970, to be exact), and she’s memorable 
a downwardly mobile Las Vegas showgii 
trading the bright lights of the Strip for 
the red lights of prostitution, 

The Lost Boys: Vampire bikers at large in an 
otherwise eful California beach town. 
Dianne Wiest plays Mom, Kiefer Suther- 
land the blood-lusting leader of the pack 
a family comedy with fangs. 

Parents: Randy Quaid and Mary Beth Hurt 
working some stylish black magic as a can- 
nibalistic suburban couple. After this, you 
may say “no, thanks" to meat. 

Rikky and Pete: This impudent, engagingly 
quirky Australian comedy follows the ad- 
ventures of an overprivileged, prankish 


brother ster who hit the road and 
strike it richer in an outback mining town. 
— BRUCE WILLIAMSON 

VIDEOSYNCRASIES 


One Small Step: Novas recap of the Amer- 
an space program—from J.EK.s dream 
of a “new frontier" to that first man on the 
moon 20 years ago this summer. Time sure 
flies, doesn't it (Vestron)? 
Computer Dreams: A dazzling collection 
of the worlds best computer-generated 
graphics and animation. Favorite vignette: 
the underwater romance between a bird 
and a fish (MPI). 
Oregon Aerobitour: A 30-minute bicycle 


WANT TO LAUGH 


Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Steve Martin and Michael Caine 
swindle wealthy women on the French Riviera; deliciously 
nasty); Coming to America (Eddie Murphys charming 
prince-meets-Queens-girl comedy; a royal hoot); Tape- 
heads (ex- security guards John Cusack and Tim Robbins 
really want their MTV; from Repo Man's Michael Nesmith). 


naug 
FEELING SEASONAL 


Eight Men Out (John Sayles's compelling depiction of the 
+ boys of summer, the 1919 Chicago Black Sox); 
Summer Lovers (American couple discovers steamy 
ménage & trois action in Greece; features a young—and 
delightfully ncked—Daryl Hannah); Summer of ‘42 (the 
classic coming-af-age boys’ story; a 


vid-library staple). 


tour through scenic Oregon, shot from the 
riders point of view. Intended primarily 
for play in front of a stationary exercise 
bike, the video boasts a musical score writ- 
ten to synchronize with the pedalers 
heartbeat (ProVideo). 

Stand-Up Reagan: Forty minutes of the 
Great Communic greatest jokes, pot 
shots and witty stories. You'll laugh, you'll 
cry, you'll realize just how boring George 
Bush is (J2 Communications). 


COUCH-POTATO/ 
TOMATO 

VIDEO OF 

THE MONTH 


Up off the sofa, pota- 
toes and tomatoes— 
heres а tape for the 
two of you. Have your 
daytime-TV cake, eat it 
and still stay trim with 
> The Soap Star Workout, 
an exercise tape featuring luminaries from Gen- 
eral Hospital, Days of Dur Lives and One Life to 
Live, Its high energy, low impact and easy to 
follow—the perfect fare for the love-handles- 
in-the-afternoon crowd (Vestron). 


THE HARDWARE CORNER 


Mondo Combo: TVs with built-in VCRs 
are fast becoming the industry's hottest 
item, Panasonic has a 13-inch combo (PV- 
M1328) aimed at bedroom or kitchen and 
(PV-M2028) for the family 
room. Others joining the market include 
Quasar, Symphonic, Emerson and Gold- 
star, with models ranging between $500 
and $1100, And our spies tell us of a combo 
coming from Sharp that’s, well, pretty 
sharp. 
Strike Up the High Band: Canon is 
keeping up in the camcorder-technology 
race with the Al—its first high-band 8mm 
model. Priced at $2300, the unit features 
more than 400 lines of resolution, a built- 
in title generator, time-lapse capabilities 
and even stereo audio recording. 

— MAURY LEVY 


SHORT TEKES 


Stupidest Video Title: Hot Bagels: The Hole Sto- 
ry; Favorite Do-It-Yourself Video: Building a 
Bomber, Best Hey-Don't-Sugar-Coat-It Video: 
Auto Repair for Dummies; Silliest Children's 
Video Title: Spunky and Tadpole; Silliest Chil- 
dren's Video Title in Spanish: Spunky y Tadpole; 
Best Thrill-a-Minute Video: Dry Wood; Best It's- 
a-Living Video: Aerial Photo Interpretation of 


Geological Resources. 


When you meet the Right Girl, 
how should you treat her? 


gene geor Admire her body. 


u: your cap 
to her. 


Appreciate 
her good taste. 


= 2 Introduce 
Propose a her to your 
toast to her. friends. 


omi 
PAULI GN 


© 
ON 
“BODIED BEER IMPORTED '® 


NELSON GEORGE 


FoR NOST OF its brief history, Paisley Park 
Records, out of Minneapolis, has been run 
by Prince as (pardon the pun) a vanity la- 
bel. But Prince has been making changes. 
He fired his manager, accountants and 
lawyers, signed on to create the Batman 
sound track and rethought Paisley Park's 
direction. That process has yielded the 
signing of two guished talents, Mavis 
Staples and George Clinton. The f 
whose soul voice rivals Aretha Fr; 
has been searching for a commercial niche 
since the Staple Singers’ glory days. Clin- 
ton, founder—father figure of the now- 
defunct Parliament-Funkadelic, began 
releasing a series of defiantly quirky solo 
albums in the early Eighties. 

Prince collaborated extensively with Sta- 
ples on Time Waits for No One. Staples’ fiery, 
sensuous voice obviously excited him—I 


Time Waits for Mavis. 


Guess I’m Crazy and the funky Train blend 
soul heat and Princely idiosyncrasies in 
spired ways. The title song, on which Mavis 
wails over one of Princes fine (but too 
brief) guitar solos, isa marvelous fusion of 
her Gospelly soul and Princes visionary ar- 
rangement: 

On Clinton's The Cinderella Theory, voices, 
music and sounds swirl over choppy yet 
danceable beats, as Clinton, true to form, 
refuses to be obvious. As al, it takes a 
bit of mind expansion (if not good herb) to 
penetrate his dense musical logic. The ma- 
jor jam, Why Should I Dog You Out, recalls 
past hits (Atomic Dog) without being a slav- 
ish retread. Listening to Clinton, you real- 
ize that everyone from the black rockers 
Living Colour to the hippie rappers De La 
Soul owes a major debt to him for his will- 
ingness to subvert and satirize the conven- 
tions of black pop. 


DAVE MARSH 


Most of the time, populist rock seems to 
follow 1-80 straight across the heartland, 
from Bruce Springsteens New Jersey to 
Jackson Browne's California. But it's only 
when you get off the highway that the 
value becomes evident. 

Out in Hollywood, for instance, Tom 
Petty has foundered for almost a decade, 
in search of a follow-up to the likes of Don't 
Do Me Like That and Refugee. Full Moon 
Fever (MCA), his first album without the 
Heartbreakers, starts cautiously, But on his 
spirited cover of the Byrds Feel a Whole 
Lot Better and in the ed Zevonisms of 
Zombie Zoo, TP. regains the enthusi 
that made his earlier work so pleasurable. 

Bloomington, Indianas, John Cougar 
Mellencamp bui Daddy (Polygram) 
around his usual mix of Rolling Stor 
R&B and folk-bluegrass instrument 
(with emphasis on Kenny Aronoff’s dru; 


Prince's label heats 
up; John Cougar 
Mellencamp gets down. 


ming and Lisa Germano's fiddling). Mcl- 
lencamps new songs liberate him from the 
moralizing tones of his last album; Jackie 
Brown (a rewrite of Dylan's Hollis Brown 
and Springsteens Johnny 99 that improves 
on both its models) and Country Genile- 
man, in particular, humanize and revital- 
ize his political 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


"The title Boom Boom Chi Boom Boom ( 
would rightly lead a reasonable pe 
suspect that the ‘Tom ‘Tom Club 
serving up a platter of frivolous dance 
music. But when you dance, do you want to. 
be reasonable or frivolous? If you enjoy 
dance clubs but find house music too 
repetitive or too raw, this neodisco cross 
between Bow Wow Wow and Donna Sum- 
mer may connect with your frivolity. My fa- 
vorite cut is Challenge of the Love Warriors, 
a wordless mélange of heavy-breathing 
samples that lit a fire in my loins. 

The Buck Pets’ (Island) eponymously titled 
album is my favorite hard-rock debut of 
the year so far. It would be easy for these 
guys to be overlooked, since they ain't glam 
and they aint dones. Maybe their slot is 
more with the Replacements crowd: col- 
lege males who have read enough to adopt 
bohemian alienation but still want their 
music angry. Whocver finally listens to 
these guys, I think they've come up with 
more great hard-rock songs than anyone 
since Guns п Roses’ Appetite for Destruc- 


tion. Some critics have compared the Buck 
Pets to G&R in sound as well, but I think 
they're more like a less dissonant Metalli 
Massive crunch in the guitars, vocals that 
sound as if they're sung by real humans, 
intelligent, nonsexist lyrics (“I wanna be 
your lover, not your boss")—there 
ing I don't like about this album. 


VIC GARBARINI 


Regardless of what modern-day Phari- 
sees and dispensers of colored sugar water 
may say, Madonna’s controversial Like a 
Prayer (Sire) is neither sacrilegious nor ol- 
fensive to anyone with half a brain—or 
heart. It’s the enlightened yet exhilarating. 


EST SHOT 


WITH EACH new album, Mojo Nixon 
Just gets, well, weirder. Things cant 
get much weirder than. “Debbie Gibson. 
Is Pregnant with My Tuo-Headed. 
Love Child,” a track from his latest LP, 
“Root Hog or Die.” Mojo was destined 
to review the Debsters latest, “Electric 
Youth.” 

“I did alot of fast-forwarding, but, 
well, all the songs are almost the 
same. In each one, there’s a little 
backward masking. You gotta really 
listen; its way in the background: 
‘I love Mojo. Really. 1 swear. Deb- 
bie wants to be the new Les- 
ley Gore. Lesley had that same 
white-girl-who-wants-to-be-bad-but- 
is-uptight-and-white-and -will- nev- 
er-be- funky-in-her-whole-life thing. 
Debbie's got talent, but she's trying 
so damned hard. She's got plenty of 
time—you got a lot of staying power 
when you're eighteen. But what dis- 
tresses me is that she's trying so hard 
10 be a multinational corporation. 
Why doesn't she. have some fui 
Where's the rebellion and the sex 
and the anarchy and the freedom 
and the rock-and-roll pandemoni- 
um? She needs to lose those studio 
hags she's got and hire the Replace- 
ents or something. But, hey, Deb- 
bie is the kind of girl my mom 
wanted me to date. I heard she's 
writing a song about me. I bec it'll be 
something like Mojo Nixons Got a 
Short Dick. Go for it, Deb.” 


reflection of a woman looking back at her 
religious roots, her wounded relationship 
with both parents and how they relate to 
her recent traumatic marriage to and 
break-up with Sean Penn. Like a Prayer is 
the overture, showing the light and dark 
sides of her Catholic upbringing, Is she 
still confused a bit about it all? Of course. 
Theres a moving song, Promise to 2 
about her mother, who died in 
infancy, and a powerful declarat 
dependence from her dad, Oh, Father, 
that’s simultaneously angry, forgiving, 
grievingand celebratory, And when she in- 
terjects the line “Oh, Father I have 
sinned,” does she mean to free herself. 
from related religious and relationship 
hang-ups that superimpose on one anoth- 
er, starting with Pops violence (Daddy 
equals God equals . . . Sean)? You bet. The 
LP's great virtue is that it is intuitive and 
real, not academic and preachy. All of 
which adds up to insightful psychodrama. 
But listen to how she integrates her confes- 
sionals into this rich mı framework: 
the chattering African-style guitars on Till 
Death Do Us Part, the buoyant, exultant 
dance pop of Cherish. It's art, 
and you can dance to it. Pop music rarely 
gets better than this. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Hyping Thelonious Monsters Stormy 
Weather (Relativity, 187-07 Henderson Av- 
enue, Hollis, New York 11423) and Too 
Much Joys Son of Sam ! Am (Alias, 374 
Brannan Street, San Francisco 94107) as 
the hottest independent rock albums of 
early 1989 is like hyping Ozark Ike for hit- 
ting .364 in the Piedmont League. If any- 
thing, Ike has a better shot at the bigs. 
With vanishing exceptions, the roughhewn 
guitarbased pop bands that dominate 
the collegiate-bohemian Amerindie circuit 
are stylistic aliens in a world of mildly 
funky synthesized hits. Don't think they're 
upholding the one true faith, either—most 
indie musicians are semitalented, self-in- 
volyed neotraditionalists in disguise. 

‘Thelonious Monster began as a joke 
hard-core band from Orange Gounty, led 
by Bob Forrest, a locally famous bad boy 
who has suffered just like so many other 
bad boys—Richard Speck, Axl Rose et al. 
By 19875 Next Saturday Afternoon, he was 
getting songful and soulful about it. Now 
he has cut down on the sel Finvolvement. 
The keys are Sammy Hagar Weekend, a put- 
down that feels for its victims; Colorblind, 
about how his family’s white flight made 
his boyhood more miserable; and Tracy 
Chapman's For Your Lover, played straight. 

“loo Much Joy plays nothing straight— 
this is a bunch of overeducated wise guys 
(from Yale, Stanford, like that) who tread 
line between smart and smartass. 
Quirk's postpreppic pr 
tion, the lyrics about suburbia, homcless- 
ness, the terrors of turning 23—kick ass or 
are at least smartass. These guys are funny, 
yet they have feclings, too. 


FAST TRACKS 


Recording Merchandisers convention 
this year was an effort by retailers to 


pressure record companies for alterna- 
tive album covers. What does that 
mean to you? Record stores want to 
precensor covers that they anticipate. 
will cause controversy Let the buyer. 
beware! 

REELING AND ROCKING: Roger Daltrey will 
star in Father Jim. . . . Boz Scaggs is play- 
ing a detective in Indigo, produced by 
Roman Coppola, son of Fra ‚ Dolly 
Parton's film company is producing The 
War al Home, a film about Andy Warhol 
and Edie Sedgwick. . . . We're beside 
ourselves with joy to report that a se- 
quel to Rock 'n Roll High School is in 
the works. . . . Roland of Fine Young 
Cannibals is im another movie in 
France. . . . We heard from a source 
more reliable than the supermarket 
tabloids that Whitney Houston will bc 
making a film with Eddie Mur- 
phy... . The multinational production 
of Sandino, about the Nicaraguan gen- 
eral, assassinated in 1934, who has in- 
spired the Sandinistas, will have a cast 
that inclucles Kris Kristofferson, Sting and 
Peter Coyote. . . . Mojo Nixon will follow 
his role in Great Balls of Fire with the 
lead in Citizen Mojo, a film written by 
Kinky Friedman... . A movie called Ford 
Fairlane, about a murder in the music 
business, will also star musicians. 

NEWSBREAKS: The Jefferson Airplane re- 
union album will be out in the fall... 
Jiramy Buffett has become an investor in 
a Florida minor-league baseball team, 
the Marlins. . . . Paula Abdul will 
choreograph Oliver Stone's film version 
of Evila, starring Meryl Streep. . . . Carly 
Simon has opened an art gallery in New 


York called Riverrun. Its first show fea- 
tured works by Martha's Vineyard 
artists. . . . More Carly Simon news: 
She's co-writing two songs with Smokey 
Robinson for her next studio album. . . . 
Producer Alan Douglas says he has а 
two-hour Jimi Hendrix performance 
tape from Woodstock that he plans to 
release this year in honor of the 20th 
anniversary of the concert. .. . It looks 
as if the folks at Motown will provide the 
fee to ensure that Marvin Gaye's star will 
be placed on Hollywood's Walk of 
Fame. As well they should. . . . Addition- 
al material discovered while going 
through the David Bowie archives at 
RCA will appear on his 18-album re- 
release on CD and cassette. The stuff 
comes from alternative versions of 
songs. B sides, unreleased tracks and, 
possibly, live recordings. Look for it this 
fall. .. . Britain's Performing Right Society 
has announced a $10.000 award in 
memory of John. Lennon, 10 be given to a 
resident of Brit or Ireland under 
40 who's a songwriter of outstanding 
promise. . . . We're recommending a 
book by Mare (who wrote Death of a 
Rebel, about Phil Ochs) called Rockonom- 
ics: The Money Behind the Music 
(Watts). For years, rock musicians have 
been hustled by their own business peo- 
ple and record companies, and not all 
of them came away with the money they 
deserved. If it could happen to Elvis, Bob 
Dylan and the Beatles, pity the poor 
garage band. Good reading... Finally, 
ng of Elvis—and doesn't every- 
one2—his old Palm Springs estate can 
be rented for parties. It remains pretty 
much as it was, with most of his furni- 
ture, movie posters, family photos and 
gold records. You could feel like the 
King—for a night. — —BARBARA NELLIS 


26 


BOOKS 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


ALLSTAR BREAK TIME is the perfect pause to 
check out this latest crop of sports books 
top-heavy with tales from the dugout. 
There's lots of instant replay, a bellyful of 
braggadocio, some thoughtful nostalgia 
and even a whilf of sweaty poetry 

Surely, the off-speed pitch of the season 
is You Gotta Have Wa (Macmillan), by 
Robert Whiting, a funny look at baseball 
in Japan that is as much a work of cultural 
anthropology as a sports book. Wa is the 
Japanese version of "team spirit,” and 
there's nothing like trying to translate 
baseball into besoboru to show you just how 
uniquely American the grand game is. 

For example, Yogi Berra would have 
been a disaster in Japan, as he demon- 
strates in his whimsical autobiography, 
Yogi: It Ain't Over . .. (McGraw-Hill), written 
with Tom Horton. The consummate indi- 
vidualist lets fly with bons mots about his 
great history as a catcher with the Yankees 
from 1946 to 1964 and his career as a man- 
ager and coach for the Yankees, Mets and. 
now the Houston Astros. His lifetime pal 
Joe Garagiola writes about their parallel 
careers and about his adventures in the 
broadcasting box in tr's Anybody's Ballgame 
(Jove). But for the truly bizarre baseball 
storyteller, almost everyones nominee 
would be ex-Dodger * 
stone. In Over the Edge (Ваш 
with Rick Talley, he tells classic anecdotes 
and confesses to stunts such as putting 2 pig 
in Steve Sax’s bed and pleading with nuns in 
the grandstand for divine intervention. 

Beginning with The Umpire Strikes Back, 
former umpire Ron Luciano, with the help 
of writer David Fisher, has developed the 
irreverent baseball memoir into a fine art 
His fourth book, Remembrance of Swings 
Past (Bantam), incorporates stories by oth- 
ers, but he still has plenty of his own auto- 
biographical material to draw on. Perhaps 
the most fascinating of these my-life-in- 
baseball books is Willie Mays's Sey Hey 
(Pocket), written with Lou Sahadi. Coming 
out of the Negro Leagues to play for the 
New York Giants, Mays made so many 
great plays in so many great games (the 
greatest being the catch in the world 
series) that his personal story is a saga of 
record-breaking baseball history: 

None of the practitioners remembers the 
game with the eloquence that David Hal- 
ngs to Summer of 49 (Morrow). 
ve retelling of the electrify- 
ing 1949 pennant race between the Yan- 
kees and the Red Sox, he brings a 
reporter's perspective 10 the story, di 
tizing and humanizing both a basel 
valry and an era. Boston novelist George V. 
Higgins focuses on his local heroes, the 
Red Sox, in The Progress of the Seasons: Forty 
Years of Baseball in Our Town (Holt). A devot- 
ed fan since 1946, when his father first 


m), written 


Scoring big with sports books. 


Memorable tales from 
the dugout, the football 
stadium and ringside. 


took him to Fenway Park, Higgins express- 
es a rich personal relationship with his 
team: “One of the reasons that so many 
writers love the Red Sox is that a team 
without a world-series triumph since 1918 
validates the writer's constant sense of in- 
security, and thus proyes that he is sane,” 
Mike Bryan takes the Studs Terkel ap- 
proach in Baseball Lives (Pantheon) by in- 
terviewing everyone concerned with the 
game—from a guy who makes bats to a 
peanut vendor to a team owner to a base- 
ball-card collector—and letting each tell 
his or her story. Daniel Okrent and Stevi 
Wulf have collected the best of everybo 
stories in Baseball Anecdotes (Oxford), 
starting with Lincoln on his deathbed, 
telling Abner Doubleday, “Don't. . . let 
baseball . .. die” Pete Rose should get in 
touch with Donald Gropman, because that 
author's recently reissued Say It Ain't So, 
Joe! (Lynx) is a remarkable argument for 
the innocence of “Shoeless Joe" Jackson in 
the scandal of the fixed 1919 world series. 
Many readers would argue that Roger 
Kahn's nostalgic study of the Fifties Brook- 
lyn Dodgers, The Boys of Summer, is the 
best baseball book ever written. But I'd 
add a vote for Dock Ellis in the Country of 
Baseball (Fireside), by Donald Hall with 
Dock Ellis. It is the story of a poet (Hall) in 
love with a pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pi- 
rates (Ellis) and an exploration of baseball 
as a poetic metaphor for the pure, simple 
vision of life in boyhood. A new collection 
of 28 short stories by Jerry Klinkowitz, 
Short Season & Other Baseball Stories: A Sum- 


mer in the Minor Leagues (Collier), captures 
that Huck Finn sensibility. Klinkowitz loves 
the game enough to be the owner of the 
Waterloo Indians farm team. Since 1977, 
the bible of the serious fan has been the 
annual Bill James Baseball Abstract. But 
most of us failed to notice that the statisti- 
cian is a very sharp commentator, too. So 
now he has collected his observations in 
This Time Let's Nor Eat the Bones: Bill James 
Without the Numbers (Villard), and the re- 
sult is a staggeringly brilliant, detailed 
study of the game and its players. 

Compared with the thoughtful life ret- 
rospectives of Dock Ellis and Yogi Berra, 
most football autobiographies are crude 
exercises in machismo. For example, Crui 
in’ with the Toor (Charter), by John Ma- 
tuszak with Steve Delsohn, Out of Control 
(Pocket), by Thomas “Hollywood” Hender- 
son and Peter Knobler, and The Boz (Dou- 
bleday), by Brian Bosworth with Rick 
Reilly, are all variations on the same booze, 
broads, brawls, bad behavior theme. 
By the time you've read 50 pages of these 
guys bragging, you wonder if maybe the 
game should be played without helmets. 

In On Boxing (Zebra), Joyce Carol Oates 
suggests that boxing is a violation of the ta- 
boo against violence in the civilized world. 
It is this theatrically ritualized infraction 
of the taboo that fascinates her and the 
rest of the ringside crowd. Where Oates in- 
tellectualizes and analyzes (which she does 
extremely well), Ralph Wiley, a writer for 
Sports Illustrated, explores the world of 
boxing in visceral images. His book, Seren- 
ity: A Boxing Memoir (Holt), doesn't finch 
from the pain and brutality of fighting, 
and there is even a sweet sadness in his de- 
picuons of the battered hulks of old 
fighters. In some ways, the most significant 
sports book of the year is The Game Behind 
the Game: High Pressure, High Stakes in Televi- 
sion Sports (Harper & Row), by former 
ABC and CBS Sports producer Terry 
O'Neil. More than just a kiss-and-tell 
memoir about the egomaniacal behavior 
of Brent Musburger, Howard Cosell et al., 
O'Neil's book is an examination of how 
network sports coverage works. He shows 
how production of TV shows about the 
games has become more important than 
the games. 


BOOK BAG 


The Russia House (Knopf), by John le 
Carré: In this novel, Le Carré’s most 
dazzling triumph yet, sax-tooting, chess- 
playing alcoholic British spy/publisher 
Bartholomew Scott “Barley” Blair gives the 
reader an intimate tour of post-glasnost 
Moscow, while falling in love a Rus- 
sian woman. Barley ranks right up there 
with George Smiley as one of Le Carrés 
most masterful creatior 


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2 


SPORTS 


he world was closing in on Both 

Hands Benson of the Swamp River 
Gerbils. The rumors, the allegations, the 
unsubstantiated reports in the papers, 
they were all affecting his decisions as a 
manager and causing trouble at home. 
That's why he called the press conference 

“Nobody don't know nothin;" he said in 
his opening statement. “If somebody knew 
something, they'd know something, then 
there wouldnt be no more talk about it.” 

Over a period of months, it had been re- 
ported that Both Hands Benson had a 
long history of betting on sports events. 
Unidentified sources said not only that he 
| bet on football and basketball games, 
nd at the race tracks, but that he had сусп 
bet on baseball games, including games in 
which he had played and managed. 

If it were true that Both Hands had bet 
on baseball, he could be suspended for a 
year, and if it were true that Both Hands 
had bet on games involving his own team, 
he could be suspended for life. 

“This is serious,” he said to the press. 
“You don't take baseball away from а guy 
just because somebody says he does this 
and that. You got things that happen to 
you in your life and you say, ‘So what? and 
you see these things in the papers and you 
wonder why anybody thinks it's news. I 
think news ought to be who won the game, 
not who did this or that in his person 
life, which is gettin’ infringed on 
makes you wonder about the Constitution. 
Questions?” 

A reporter stood up. 

“Both Hands, a bookmaker told the dis 
trict attorney that you lost forty-five thou- 
sand dollars to him on the Alaskan oil spill. 


. I had twenty- 
les, What's that 


got to do 

Another reporter stood up. 

He said, "Both Hands, it's no secret that 
you go to the race track, right?” 

Both Hands said, “I go to the track occa- 
ally" 

“Weren't you there last month when that 
horse dropped dead in the stretch?” 
"I was there. 

“There was a pretty good disturbance in 
the Jockey Club. Furniture got broken, 
people punched out. Were you a part of 
thai 

"I was in the room." 

“Didnt you have a sizable bet on that 
race?” 

“I had the horse.” 


By DAN JENKINS 


LIFE IN THE 
WAGERS 


“How did you have him?” 
“To live.” 
A question from the floor touched on 
Both Hands selling his autograph to crip- 


pled children in order to pay off his gam- 


ipples get a cut rate, A 
kid in a wheelchair don't pay more than 
three dolla whos got all his arms 
and legs, that's a different story.” 

Did he think it was right to sell his auto- 
graph at all? [t seemed to be something 
that only baseball players, among profes- 
sional athletes, would do. 

“My name is my own,” Both Hands said. 
“IF my name wasn't my own, other people 
would have it, and what kind of world 
would we live in if there wasn't nothin’ in it 
but people named Both Hands Benson? 
"That's one way to look at it. Another way is 
to change the subject." 

Both Hands pointed to the back of the 
room 

From back there, a reporter said, “What 
about your three world-series rings?” 

“What about 'em?" said Both Hands. 

“A man named Guido says he has them. 
He says you gave him the rings in place of 
the hundred thousand dollars you lost to 
him on a bet about highway death tolls.” 

“I forgot it was a holiday." 

“What do you mean?’ 

“No schools. I usually take the Over, 


because one school bus can win it for you.” 

Both Hands was asked if he had ever 

sold any of his uniforms to pay off 

gambling debts. 

“What's free private enterprise got to do 
ith anything?" 

A persistent reporter said, “The uni- 
form you wore the day you broke Babe 
Ruths record for pointing to center-field 
fences has turned up in memorabilia col- 
lections in twenty-four different cities." 

“L dont know nothin about memora- 
ilia. 1 been a healthy person all my 
life,” Both Hands said. “I couldn't have 
played sixteen years in the show if I'd 
suffered from memorabilia. That's a pret- 
1y dumb question. 

"Are you saying you never sold your uni- 
form to seule a gambling debt? 

“Who'd buy anything that stunk that 
much? 

The subject of a soccer bet came up. 

Both Hands said, “You can’t bet on soc- 
cer. It's guys outdoors in short pants.” 

"But you made some sort of bet on a soc- 
cer game in England last spring, isn't that 
true?” 

“Not on the game itself. I took the wire 
fence and gave ninety-three. It was close.” 

Both Hands was asked if, as manager of 
the Swamp River Gerbils, he would be 
above putting a sore-arm pitcher on the 
mound and making a phone call to Guido. 

“I wouldn't want to dignify that question 
with an answer,” he said. 

Then he was asked why it looked as if his 
first- and third-base coaches always had 
their arms in the air, holding up base run- 
ners, even on doubles and triples. 

"They're not holding up base runners," 
Both Hands said, looking indignant. 
“They're waying at their families. They 
both got large families. Where does it say 
in a free society like America that a guy 
can't wave at his wife and kids at a game?" 

Both Hands was joined at the press con- 
ference by his wife, Vera, his Atlanta mis- 
tress, Wanda, his L.A. mistress, Vivian, his 
St. Louis mistress, Kathy, and his Houston 
mistress, Maureen. 

They all said they were there to stand 
behind him and give him a vote of 
confidence, though Vera did add that she 
was filing for divorce. 

Both Hands was asked if he had any- 
thing to say about the divorce. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Five to one she gets 
child custody.” 

[v] 


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PLAYBOY 


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How would you like the police 
to investigate your miscarriage? 


So-called “pro-lifers” think nothing of 
invading womens privacy and jeopardizing 
their health. Their national campaign of 
violence and intimidation attracts plenty 
of media attention. 

But the outrages they commit now are 
nothing compared to what would happen 
if they win. 

Their Human Life Amendment to 
the Constitution treats the fetus as an 
independent human being from the very 
instant of fertilization. Abortion would be 
called murder under all circumstances. So 
would many effective birth control methods. 
And every miscarriage could be suspect. 

While some anti-choice activists 


declare that only health professionals who 
assist with an abortion should be charged 
with murder, countless women could be 
caught up in police investigations and 
prosecutions even if they are never arraigned. 

Ifthe right to choose abortion is limited 
or eliminated, women who can afford to 
travel could probably evade the law. 

Poor women and teenagers with no 
resources would be forced to induce their 
own abortions or subject themselves to an 
illicit, dangerous back-alley procedure. 

And thousands of them would be 
brutalized, maimed and killed. 

How do we know what will happen if. 
the extremists win? Because thats the way 


Don't wait until women are dying again. 


© BS IPFA. Ine This! 


it was before abortion was made legal and 
safe in 1973. The choice they present isn’t 
whether abortion should be stopped. 

Prohibition never worked. 

The choice is privacy...or punishment. 
Safety for women.-or terrible danger. 

It's really not a choice we need to 
make again. 

Make time to save your right to 
choose. Before the so-called “pro-lifers” 
start making your choices for you. 

Take action! To support Planned 
Parenthood's Campaign to Keep Abortion 
Safe and Legal, please mail your contribution 
to PPFA, 810 Seventh Avenue, New York, 
New York 10019-5818. 


Planned Parenthood” 
Federation of America 


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MEN 


owd never know it from the slickness 
Y of the paper and the professionalism 
of the illustration, but being involved with 
the production of this Men column every 
month can sometimes seem like a battle in 
the trenches. There are a lot of people at 
Playboy who worry about what I will say 
and how I will say it, and the situation can 
get pretty tense at times. 

This column comes out of one such 
situation. 

In last Mays Playboy, Cynthia. Heimel 
wrote a somewhat humorous column 
called "We're Gonna Get You, Suckers.” It 
ks men who are, in Cynthia's opinion, 
noid about women. As E read it, the 
basic message of the column goes like thi 
“I, Cynthia, am going to exaggerate fe- 
male aggression and violence in order to 
show you how ridiculous itis to be afraid of 
it; we all know that women are harmless, 
and those men who talk about women as if 
they might be dangerous in any way are 
fools, Asa Baber included. 

Set in an imaginary nail salon st y 
killer women, Cynthia's fable contains a lot. 
of references to female violence toward 
males. For example, there isa discussion of 
nail length and what it means: “The longer 
your nails, the greater your destructive 
skills. When you can maim a man in a 
minute, you earn your inch. Two-incher: 
like our Shirl, are trained castraters." 

There is a description of a handgun, a 
Beretta 92 SB that Cynthia holds with 
pleasure. A friend of hers savs, "Ain't it. 
cute? Holds fifteen rounds, shoots jacketed 
hollow points. This week, we tell them 
they're not in touch with their feelings; 
next week, we blow their fucking heads 
off.” 

A pistol target range is described: “Two 
dozen women in camouflage fatigues and 
headphones were aiming automatics at pa- 
per replicas of men. Bang! Bang! The 
groin area of every replica was blown 
away.” 

One of the women says, “The men are 
right. We hate them. We are going to sub- 
jugate or kill them and take over the 
world.” 

A woman reports that “the Asa Baber 
Study Group has to be canceled for lack of 
interest again,” and another woman reacts 
to that by suggesting that I will soon be 
eliminated. [killed?] by feminists: “That 
pseudosensitive wuss is the only one who's 
on to us. Come the revolution, he's history. 

Most of the people at the magazine, 
male and female, thought Cynthia's 


By ASA BABER 


PEACE, 
CYNTHIA 


column was funny. “How'd you like that 
one, Ace?” a number of women asked me. 

“What are you going to say in response 
some male friends inquired. 

1 privately thought that Cynthia's 
column walked right on the edge of abuse 
and harassment, but I didn't say anything, 
probably for fear of being mocked as thin- 
skinned. Face it, men have to think twice 
before they object to anything women 
write. I really may be a pseudosensitive 
wuss when it comes to the language and 
images used by women when they write 
about men, | thought. I live in a feminist 
culture that bashes men on a regular basis. 
in print, on T V, in ads, in academia, and I 
guess I don't find male-bashing as funny as 
some other people do. But maybe I'm 
wrong, so I'd better keep quiet about it. 

I finally chose to react with toughness 
and aggression to Cynthia's column, and it 
turned out to be a big mistake. I wanted to 
be just as cynical as she had been, and just 
as mocking. I wanted the freedom to use 
the kinds of images she had used and to 
employ the exaggerated logic she had em- 
ployed. But it was not to be. 

I wrote a column called "Spanking Cyn- 
thia." It was based on the premise that 
Cynthia was being an intentional trouble- 
maker when she wrote her column. She 
did it just to attract my attention, 1 
claimed. She wrote a bitchy column so that 
I would scold her and then love her. I made 


some sexual jokes about her, and I, too, 
walked the line, just as I thought she had. 

I didnt realize it at first, but I had a 
problem that was not going to go away. In 
s culture, at this time, a woman can 
e a semihumorous essay about castrat- 
ing and Killing men, and she can get away 
with it. Most people think its cute. But а 
man cannot return the favor in kind. It 
simply is not allowed. Women are still seen. 
as victims of violence, not perpetrators, 
and men are seen as the opposite. 

1 screwed up "Spanking Cynthia” even 
more. My technique was to briefly out- 
line the many fanciful columns 1 might 
have considered writing as payback for 
“Were Gonna Get You, Suckers.” There 
was “Thirtynothing” and "Leatherneck 
Wussic" and “Ihe Heimel Maneuver” and 
several others. Each fictional column 
would have focused on what I saw as Cyn- 
thia’s hypocrisy and theatrical sexuality, 
and I admit it: 1 did overreact and over- 
state, again, just as І thought she had. But 
my case, | went too far. As one editor in- 
formed me, “You pretty much were grazed 
by a rifle shot and returned fire with a tac- 
tical nuclear weapon.” I could see his logic, 
but I also thought that Cynthia had fired 
much more than a rifle shot. 

It was a struggle. The double standard 
that I believe male writers work under to- 
day seemed to me to be in full force. The 
critiques of my column in some circles at 
the magazine were fierce: 1 was the sexist; 
1 was the cruel and tasteless person; Gyn- 
thia was being victimized by me; she had 
used me only as a rhetorical device, while I 
had defamed her personally; she had 
great humor in her piece and 1 did not, I 
can tell you that there were a few days 
when my appearance on the editorial floor 
was not celebrated. “Spanking Cynthia” 
was canceled. 

Peace, Cynthia. You win. I don't get to 
write the kinds of things that you get 
to write. The issues in this culture are too 
hot, certain sexual implications are too 
Jamitous, various notions of gentility and 
chivalry and decorum are too ingrained. 

‘There is another reason 1 suc for peace. 
Frankly, I find that most of us are ready 
and looking for it, both men and women. I 
know that I'm tired of the sexual wars, and 
I'd like to get along with the women I know 
who seem so angry with me. We've yelled 
at cach other across a great divide for a 
long time. 

How about it, Cynthia? 


WOMEN 


I ve stopped thinking that men are Mar- 
ians now that I've nursed several of 
them through getting it up to ask a girl for 
a date. They go insane. 

First a fellow has to decide whether its 
worth it. Why go through torture to ask 
out a girl who will never be the love of one's 
life, the mother of one's children, the sex 
kitten of one's universe? A man still wants 
to kill himself if a dippy sap of a girl says 
“Fuck off." 

Then, after he does an enormous 
amount of reconnaissance work and finally 
decides she may be worth it, this man has 
to make a gigantic pretzel of a mental con- 
tortion and convince himself he doesn't care 
if the potential love of his life says, “Go out 
with you? You? Are you mental?” Other- 
wise, he'd never have the courage to make 
that hideous phone call: 

“Hi, Norma, it’s Stephen.” 

“Hi, Stephen. How are you?’ 

“We met at the muscum, remember? At 
the Michelangelo. . ..” 

“Yes. I know which Stephen this is. 

“You sure?” 

It's pathetic. I once talked Ned, whom I 
love like family, through three months of 
courage gathering. The minute he went 
for this girl, he discovered that he was the 
єзї geek in the world (he is totally 
handsome) and too tedious to live (he is 
brilliant). Every day, I had to hear about 
what she said, didn't say, the perfume from 
her dress. About how he just couldn't bring 
himself to. 

“Ned,” I said finally, on a Friday, "if you 
haven't asked her out by next Wednesday 
atsix pat, m calling her. Lam not bluffing. 
I will do it.” 

He did it. They are now engaged. 

Thus, I have finally proved my theory 
There's only one reason men have been so 
resistant to the feminist movement, one 
reason they havent greeted with open 
arms the idea that women are their equals: 
It too fucking painful to ask an equal out 
on a date, The rejection becomes unbear- 
able. 

If you think ofa woman as part of a sub- 
species, maybe on a par with the moose, it’s 
a lot easier to find out her plans for next. 
Friday night. That's why men were such 
carefree Casanovas until 1969, the year 
women stopped being chicks. Who cared if 
a chick said no? What did she know? 

I'm happy to see that, like women, your 
new man can't deal with rejection at all. 1 
mean, even a little. He won't even talk 
about it. It’s the last taboo topic. 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


| 
Es 


THAT KILLER 
TURNDOWN 


Like at dinner with my guys recently. 
These are guys who will talk about and 
compare penis sizes at the table. Guys who 
will with equanimity discuss whether they 
like a finger up their ass or not. Guys who 
will cheerfully say "nipple" to anyone. 
Guys,” I said, “what are your feelings 
about rejection 

They went all weird, changed the sub- 
ject. [brought the subject back. They flatly 
refused to spcak. Oh, one of them talked 
about a moonlit moment in Tanzania or 
somewhere, but it was just a one-night 
stand who didn't want a second night. 

"No, no,” I said. “What about when 
you've been sceing someone for a while, a 
month, a year, and then she doesn’t want 
you anymore? Come on, tell." 

The guys stared at their coffee spoons 
and turned blue. They wanted me dead. I 
gave up. But I was fascinated. What is it 
about rejection that makes it so hard to 
talk about? 

There are two types of rejection. The 
first is a blow то one's ego, the second a 
blow to one's actual self 

Ego rejection we get about as regularly 
as lunch. A client hates our presentation. A 
casting director says, “That was fabulous! 


A girl with a great profile says, "No, 
Fm sorry I'm busy for the next three 
months.” 


This kind of rejection is as damaging as 
your leyel of self-esteem. Lf you're a con- 


ceited snot, you just shrug and decide the 
client's a moron, the casting director's cor- 
rupt. (You'll also decide that the with 
the great profile is clearly a lesbian, but 
you'll feel it more, since everyone's sexual 
ego is his most tender vulnerability.) But if 
you have low self-esteem, any and all ego 
rejection will simply confirm your fears 
and you'll go on your moody, suicidal way. 

Rejection of self is the killer, major 
surgery of the soul. You've let your barriers 
down. Your thoughts and feelings and vi- 
sions and revisions are no longer bottled 
lonely and weird within yourself but are 
now flowing freely and happily through 
that psychic window that opens between 
you and your beloved. 

‘This communion with another is better 
than a shot of heroin, beuer than a month 
in Maui, better than winning the louery. 
Its what we secretly live for, yearn for. We 
want to talk in shorthand with someone, to 
be able to glance across the room at a party 
and know that someone gets the joke. 

When that someone who gets the joke 
doesn't want to play anymore, we're devas- 
tated. We feel 70 percent dead. This is the 
kind of rejection that no one wants to talk 
about. Or think about. 

Because not only is this rejection hor- 
rendously painful, it's humiliating. Were 
not supposed to care. We're supposed to be 
groovy and independent; it’s the law. 

There is a reason that Albert Brooks's 
line in Broadcast News was the most fa- 
mous and oft-quoted line of 1988: 
“Wouldn't this be a great world if insecuri- 
ty and desperation made us more attrac- 
tive? If needy were a turn-on?” 

Everybody with a brain fell over and 
died for that line, because Brooks in his 
brave and whiny way voiced everybody's 
shameful little secret. We're all needy, 
we're all desperate, we're all terrified of re- 
vealing our sickening dependency. We'll do. 
anything not to appear ridiculous. 

Not to stand there like a fool while the 
loved one, turning toward the window, 
says, "T hat is not it at all. That is not what 1 
meant at all.” 

It is time to pull rejection, kicking and 
screaming, from the closet. We must be 
able to discuss it, point and laugh at it. We 
must be brave and take risks with our 
hearts and not care when the eternal foot- 
тап snickers. We must dare to eat a peach. 

What do we have to lose besides every- 
thing? 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


V am an attractive 20-ycar-old female. 1 
have a 23-year-old boyfriend who isn't will- 
ing to try new things when we make love. 1 
always ask him to try new things and he 
says OK. but then never follows through 
My fantasy is fairly simple: I want to wear 
lingerie in front of him and have him slow- 
ly undress me. I just don't know how to go 
about it, or if he would enjoy it, because he 
insists on my being naked before 1 get into 
bed. What should I do?—Miss C. W, Los 
Angeles, Califor 

Is he brain dead? You could start him off 
with a subscription to the Victorias Secret 
catalog or leave a few copies of the Playboy 
Lingerie Specials. They may jump-start his 
fantasy life. You might sell the bed, forcing 
him to have sex in оће places (the bathroom, 
the kitchen, the beach). A partner who so easi- 
by setiles into a тоште doesn't offer much 
promise for the future. If he is incapable of 
playfulness, you should mcve on to find a 
man who can be unequal partner 


Auc getting used to sale dates on vari- 
ous forms of merchandise, I realized that 
there was a date stamped on our “best 
buy" three-dozen box of condoms. When 
] went to buy more, I found that all the 
boxes in the store had a date that was four 
to six months past. What does this date 
mean? Do we toss those we haven't used 
and try to find future-dated condoms?— 
E. H., Lancaster, Texas. 

The date stamped on condom packages 
now refers to the expiration date. Under opti- 
mum storage conditions (away from heat and 
sunlight), the rubber should last two years. 
Think of them as fun tickets you never 
cashed. Buy some new condoms, but don’t let 
your supply exceed the demand. 


WI, girttriend and I are about to move 
into an apartment together. We don't have 
immediate marriage plans. She has sug- 
gested drawing up some kind of pre-liv- 
ing-together agreement. Have you ever 
heard of such a thing? What are the ad- 
vantages, if any, of a piece of paper? 
K. L., Boston, Massachusetts. 

More than 2,000,000 unmarried couples 
live together: Most assume that if and when 
they break up, the process will be simpler than 
a divorce. Unfortunately, that is not always 
true. While we have a body of law that gov- 
erns the dissolution of marriage (and subse- 
quent redistribution of property), cohabitants 
have no clear guidelines or state referees. We 
recommend picking up a copy of "Love and 
the Law,” by Gail J. Koff (Simon & Schuster, 
$17.95). She has a list of guidelines for cou- 
ples entering a living-together situation. On 
the issue of yours, mine aud ours: (1) If 
youre purchasing something together, a piece 
of property for instance, make sure both 
names are on the deed. Or, in the case of 
rental property, make sure both names are on 


the lease. (2) Keep a list of separate property 
that is brought into the relationship. For in- 
stance, who owns the stereo, television, etc. (3) 
Draw up a cohabitation agreement which 
would include individual property owner 
ship, who pays for what items in the relation- 
ship (rent, food, etc.).” Some of the things that 
may be included in the agreement are “a 
clause stating that each party is to pay one 
half of their joint living expenses, that a joint 
checking account will be established for such 
payments, that all medical, dental, drug ex- 
penses, ete., shall be the sole responsibility of 
the person incurring them, and so on. And. 
remember, these contracts can be periodically 
updated to reflect new purchases or new 
areas of agreement.” The agreement is useful 
if you both buy a stereo bul put it on only one 
persons credit card. It becomes essential if you 
buy something major, such as a condo or a 
house. For example, says Kofi, “if it’s a house 
and it wasnt purchased with the names of 
both parties on the deed, who oums it? What 
rights does the nonowning partner have if he 
or she contributes money toward the mainte- 
nance of the house? If there is shared oumer- 
ship, what happens if the couple breaks up? 
Who gets the house? Must it be sold? If it is 
sold, how is the money to be divided? All too 
often, people neglect to face questions like 
these, questions that may conjure up unpleas- 
ant situations and eventualities. Some people 
ате superstitious, thinking that lo discuss po- 
tential problems will only make them reat. 
And yel, as a rule, its always belter to be pre- 
pared for the worst, even while expecting and 
hoping for the best.” Sound advice. 


"Т у» may зоши! simple-minded, but how 
do you make use of thc VU meter on a tape 
deck? Are you supposed to avoid going in- 
to the red? Can you go past the 0-dB level? 


What is the Dolby mark su 
mean?—]. P, Hartford, Conner 

Sometimes we think the VU meter is a di- 
versionary tactic, similar to yelling at some- 
one “Your fly is open" as he is about to sink a 
12-foot putt. It is a visual reference to some- 
thing best determined by your ears. Take your 
favorite album or CD—the one the salesman 
used to show you just how good your speakers, 
turntable and amplifier are (you know, the 
one that causes your cat to leave the house for 
a week)—then try to tape i while gradually 
raising the sound level. Flip back and forth 
between source and tape monitor. When you 
cant tell the difference, you have it right. 
When the sound level is too low, you'll hear 
hiss. When the sound level is too high, you'll 
discern distortion or a loss of brilliance. As 
for the 0-dB level, Japanese decks use 160 
nanowebers per meter, while Europeans use 
250 nanowebers; the ubiquitous Dolby trade- 
mark usually falls about halfway between, at 
200 nanowebers. What's a nanoweber? Beats 
the shit out of us—sounds like something you 
get by tossing Robin Williams onto a char- 
coal grill. Thats why we rely on our ears, not 
our eyes, when we make a recording; the goal 
is to make it sound like the album or the CD. 


Í have been dating a girl for almost five 
years. We enjoy cach other very much, A 
recent occurrence in our lovemaking has 
prompted me to e to you. le en- 
gaged in somewhat heavy, aggressive fore- 
play one afiernoon after working out 
together something unusual happened. 
First we began to masturbate in front of 
each other, something we had never done 
before. Then we began to masturbate cach 
someth After about 
utes, we were searching for a new 
position, kind of wrestling on the futon, 
having fun, and she pushed my legs up 
over my head as if to assume a male-domi- 
gly, she pushed my 
ight into my face. She remarked, 
You could give yourself a blow job.” 1 
placed my penis in my mouth and per- 
formed oral sex on myself This lasted not 
more than five minutes before my girl- 
friend began masturbating furiously, or- 
gasmed and quickly finished what I had 
started, We continued to make love all 
evening, Subsequently, while alone one aft- 
ernoon, I unsuccessfully attempted to re- 
peat that experience. I felt a bit guilty for 
having tried this and have never felt ho- 
mosexual. Is this behavior severely abnor 
mal, unusual or merely humorous? This 
relationship is central to my life and 1 am 
concerned about my ad's thoughts 
on this. If it had truly bothered her, I be- 
e she would have said someth 
Lam confused.—W. L., Detroit, Michigai 
Our guess is that you didn't dictate this let- 
ler. Just kidding. Actually, you arc very lucky: 
We have heard of guys who ended up in the 


33 


PLAYBOY 


hospital with serious back problems after try- 
ing autofellatio. This is one of the few sexual. 
practices that can put you flat on your back— 
forever. Your workout probably limbered you 
enough to get away with the trick; however, 
you shouldn't push yourself that far on a reg- 
ular basis. It would lead to interesting ques- 
tions—for example, would you swallow? As 
for what your girlfriend thinks, ask her. And. 
contract the job out to her in the future. 


For many years, I've enjoyed wearing 
three-piece suits. Recently, I noticed that 
hardly anyone wears the yest—not celebri- 
lies, politicians, entertainers or business 
people. It cannot be a question of cost, be- 
cause the wealthy are also absent from the 
list of vest wearers. Is the three-piece suit 
passé?—D. M., Hillsborough, California. 

Gee, we thought that celebrities, politi- 
cians, entertainers and business people were 
the wealthy people. You're right about every 
ihing else—three-piece suits have definitely 
gone out of style. The better mens stores stock 
precious few of them. Unless the fall season 
brings a resurgence of this style, you should 
retire your vests and stich to wearing the two 
other pieces of your suit. If youre interested in 
updating your wardrobe, the classic look of 
double-breasted suits with a fuller cut and 
peaked lapels is the way to go. 


Bam a 23-year-old male, and 1 am very 


much in love with my ir-old fiancee. 
The problem is related to sex. My fiancée 


works a 40-hour week, and 1 work a 64- 
hour week. I would be quite satisfied with 
having sex three times a week, but if my 
fiancée had her way, it would be once a 
week. We have discussed our differing 
opinions several times. She says that if we 
were married, things would be different. I 
am ready to get married, but I could not 
accept married life with a once-a-week 
habit. Should 1 trust her word that she will 
feel differently once we are married, or 
should I wait for a change before saying “I 
do”? I have one more question. My fiancée 
does not believe that she has ever had an 
orgasm. Is there a definite sign thata wom- 
an has reached climax? When I perform 
oral techniques on her, she gets to a point 
where she cannot handle it anymore and. 
pushes me away. The same holds true if I 
use my hand to stimulate her. Is this nor- 
mal? Is she reaching climax, or is there a 
problem?—S. M., Salt Lake City, Utah. 
First, a wedding band is nol a sex aid. 
Rice, when thrown by an audience of ridicu- 
lously attired relatives, has no known aphro- 
disiac quality. You and your girlfriend are 
facing several sexual problems. Lach of or- 
gasm may contribute to avoidance of sex 
andlor lack of desire. A preacher doesn't wave 
some magic wand over your genitals, sudden- 
ly producing desire and contractions. You 
may want to find a sex therapist in town with 
whom you can discuss your problems. Your 
girlfriend can teach herself to reach orgasm 
through masturbation, then show you what 


she has learned. You can add vibrators, erotic 
movies, whatever, Once she learns to reach or- 
gasm alone, she can allow herself to reach or- 
gasm with you. Once she does that, you'll find 
yourself trapped in a vicious circle. Good sex 
breeds an appetite for more sex. Finally, if 
you can work this problem out, chances are 
you'll be able to work out all the other—non- 
sexual —problems that accompany а mar 
riage. If you cant, you should seriously 
reconsider the marriage. Making love to 
someone who doesn't like sex, or who doesnt 
like sex as much as you do, is sort of like 
putting a dollar bill into a change machine 
and getting back the dollar bill. 


machines have become a fact of life, 
but they haye also become a major pain in 
the butt. I get unsolicited fax correspond- 
ence from strangers, electronic junk mail, 
sales pitches, the works, The fax machine 
gets tied up and paper gets used. What do 
you recommend? Is there fax etiquette?— 
D. W, Chicago, Illinois. 

Our offices have created a set of guidelines 
you may find useful. Be careful of who has 
your fax number, Don't give it lo everyone 
who asks, any more than you would your 
home phone number. Don't invite fax junk 
mail and advertisements, Aside from being 
unwanted and annoying, sales pitches tie up 
your machine, making it unavailable for ac- 
tual business. As for sending, never fax blind. 
Call ahead to alert the person who is to re- 
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then why do you think he will take your fax?) 
Then call to confirm the receipt of the fax and 
to verify the contents. Send a copy of the orig- 
inal by hand or by mail. (The flip side of this: 
Call when you receive a fax to verify the ori- 
gin, the arrival, the contents, the date sent 
and the number of pages.) Also, a fax is not as 
private as mail. Be careful of what you send. 
Before you fax a document, ask yourself what 
would happen if the information didn't ar 
rive or was inaccurate at the receiving end. 
Would й harm your company, a client or an 
employee? Could the information you're send- 
ing hurt your company or a client if read by a 
person other than the intended recipient? 
Could a competitor use the information to 
gain an advantage over your company or one 
of your clients? We always send a cover letter 
with a clear address, informing the recipient 
how many pages are being sent and giving a 
number he can call to verify the contents. 


During the past few years you have men- 
tioned The X-Rated Videotape Guide, by 
Robert Rimmer. I have been unable to lo- 
cate itin my local store. Can you direct me 
lo a source?—S. E, Atlanta, Georgia. 

Sundance Associates (Р.О. Box 8504, Den- 
ver, Colorado 80201) has just released a third 
edition of Rimmer’s classic, priced at $14.95. 
The new volume includes 750 reviews (mostly 
of videos released in 1987 and 1988) in ad- 
dition to the more than 1300 films reviewed 
in the original Crown edition 


Everysemesten my college has aseminar 
or a presentation on date rape. The pic 

ture it paints of guys is rather one-sided, 1 
have, on occasion, encountered women 
who said no and meant yes, but when I try 
to tell people that, they say 1 am endorsing 
xist rape mythology. So tell me, am I 
right? Does a no sometimes mean a yes? 
E R., Kalamazoo, Michigan. 

A no sometimes means yes. A no sometimes 
means no. Now what? You are right, but it 
does not excuse the misjudgment that arises 
from mixed signals. A study at Texas АРМ 
Universily found that of 610 female under- 
graduates, 39 percent had engaged in token 
resistance at least once. According to an arti- 
cle in Medical Aspects of Human Sexuali 
ty, the women said no “because they were 
afraid of appearing promiscucus, concerned 
about the nature of the relationship or fearful 
of sexually transmitted disease. Also impor- 
tant were manipulative reasons (1 wanted 
him to be more physically aggressive. T was 
angry with him,’ Y wanted 10 be in control). 
A final group of reasons had to do with 
emotional, religious or moral concerns; fear 
of physical discomfort; and embarrassment 
about the body.” Researchers Charlene L. 
Muehlenhard and Lisa С. Hollabaugh came 
down hard on token resistance: “It could 
cause women to miss out on sexual relation- 
ships with men who believe their refusals. It 
perpetuates restrictive gender roles for women 
and places the burden of being the aggressor 
оп men. . . . If a man encounters a woman 


who says no and he ignores her protests and 
finds that she is indeed willing to engage in 
sex, his belief that women's refusals are not to 
be taken seriously will be strengthened.” How 
do you behave? In a marriage, the wife has 
the right to say no to sex. If she says no for a 
solid year, that is automatic, uncontested 
grounds for divorce in some states. In a dat- 
ing relationship, a woman has the right to say 
no. And you have the right to date someone 
else. You don't have to wait a year to split. 
Some feminists would call this coercion; we 
call it common sense. There is a more clear- 
headed approach to the negotiation, however. 
Never have sex with someone until you have 
discussed birth control and chosen an appro- 


priate method of contraception. (Don't sleep 
with someone who uses "no" as a form of 
birth control. When she finally changes her 
mind, you won't have anything available.) 


All reasonable questions—from. fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating. 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answeredif the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


If convicted mass murderer Ted 
Bundy had said that watching Bill Cos- 
by reruns motivated his awful crimes, 
he would have been dismissed as a de- 
ranged sociopath. Instead, Bundy pro- 
claimed that pornography made him 
do it—which many people treated as 
the conclusions of a thoughtful social 
scientist. Why? 

Ivs about sex. 

Some people are so afraid of sex that 
they will jump at any chance to prove 
that it's dangerous. But their cyni- 
cal arguments are transparent. 

Porn exploits women? Then 
why are these crusaders also 
against explicit gay films? 

Porn equals kiddie porn? It 

is absolutely impossible to 

find such material in stores. 

Porn is violent? There is vio- 

lence in less than ten percent 

of all erotic materials—far less 

than in your local movie theater 
and dramatically less than in this 
week's prime-time television. Porn gives 
us inaccurate ideas about women's bod- 
ies, feelings and desires? So do Cosmo- 
politan, Dynasty, Harlequin Romances 
and Miss America pageants. 

The difference is that pornography, 
unlike mainstream media, admits to 
being sexual. The Geraldo show pre- 
tends to be a serious look at Americana, 
and the swimsuit issue of Sports Illus- 
trated pretends to be about swimwear 
and travel. They're both commercially 
successful forms of voyeurism, along 
with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, 
ads for Calvin Klein jeans and TV 
shows like Charlies Angels. 

But pornography—and its con- 
sumer—says, “I like sex. I don't apolo- 
gize for choosing to be turned on.” And 
that is what some people can’t stand. 
"They are, of course, entitled to their 
fear and hatred. But we must not let it 
infect the rest of us. And, particularly 
in a democracy, we must expose its pre- 
tense as science, morality or common 
sense. 

Porn is an estimated cight-billion- 


dollar-a-year business. Does this trans- 
late to 8000 perverts spending 
$1,000,000 per year? No. It is closer to 
40,000,000 people spending $200 per 
year. Sure, that includes a few crazy 
people—people who also drink milk 
and use Tide. But the vast majority of 


erotica consumers are simply you and 
me—relatively normal, healthy people 
who find ourselves living in a culture 
that teaches, “Sex is dirty—save it for 
someone you love.” 

Who of these normal, healthy people 
is willing to stand up and say, “I enjoy 
an X-rated film every now and then"? 
Or “My husband and 1 looked at 
Playboy together last week, got turned 
on and had terrific fun lovemaking”? 
Virtually no one. With 40,000,000 
voices silenced, a small group of vocal, 


frightened people is left to speak on be- 
half of everyones sexuality. And when 
trained, experienced sex therapists and 
researchers speak up, we are accused of 
being biased: “Of course you have a 
pro-sex attitude,” as if that were a bad 
thing (note that physicians are never 
criticized for being pro-health). Thus, 
legitimate, sane public debate about 
sexuality is effectively prevented. 

One issue people are getting fonder 
of discussing is “porn addicts.” This is 
supposed to be an objective, easily un- 
derstood term. like drug addict. 

The truth is that there is no such 
thing asa porn addict. The concept has 
virtually no acceptance among sex pro- 
fessionals. Sex therapists, of course, 
know that some people express their 
sexuality compulsively: Some expose 
themselves, some see prostitutes every 
day and some can get aroused only in 
public places. 

But various people behave compul- 
sively with money and even exercise. 
They hurt themselves and their 
families. We may laugh at them or pity 
them, but we don't seriously believe that 
they are deranged or dangerous. And 
we don't say that food, money or exer- 
cise is evil. 

The major problem with the concepts 
of porn addiction and sex addiction is 
that they are increasingly being used to 
label any sexual behavior outside con- 
ventional standards addictive. In other 
words, if you masturbate too much, if 
you watch porn too much or if you de- 
sire variety too much, you're addicted. 
You're sick, out of control and have to 
give up your ideas about sex in favor of 
more conventional ones. That means 
monogamous, heterosexual, inter- 
course-oriented, not-too-frequent sex. 

This solution would make sense only 
in a culture that believed that sex is 
dangerous and that it can take over 
people's lives. 

If we're serious about hating vio- 
lence, let's get rid of cop shows, let's stop 
selling guns to everyone who wants 


7 


them and lets stop teaching our sons 
and daughters that when a girl says no, 
she really means yes. 

If were serious about respecting 
women, let's encourage our daughters 
to pay their way on dates, so no one 
feels used or coerced; let’s pay them the 
same wages as their male colleagues so 
they can afford to pay for those datcs; 
and let’s call them sensitive instead of 
emotional, capable instead of bitchy. 
And let's teach them that it’s OK to de- 
sire sex instead of teaching them that 
good girls don't, which means they 
have to be swept away by alcohol, drugs, 
lies or love before they acquiesce—and 
then feel guilty afterward. 

Our distorted images about sexuality 
don't begin with third-graders discov- 
ering Playboy. They start when we 
touch ourselves as two-year-olds and 
get our hands slapped. They build 
when we're found playing doctor as 
four-year-olds and are banished from a 
friend's house. And they're confirmed 
when we innocently ask, "Mommy, 
what's a vagina?" as six-year-olds and 
have our mouths washed out with soap. 

"This is when we learn that there is 
something wrong with sex. These are 
the moments that, if handled different- 
ly, can produce sexually mature, self- 
respecting adults. The awful childhood 
moments of sexual shame make school 
sex education absolutely crucial. Not to 
teach kids about Fallopian tubes but to 
teach them that sex is something to be 
respected and treasured, not some- 
thing to be feared, hated and cruelly 
repressed. 

We should be sympathetic toward 
people who are afraid of sex. Not only 
are they emotionally uncomfortable but. 
they also have to put up with a society 
full of exploitive billboards and TV 
shows. But letting these people and 
their fear dictate rules for the rest of us 
is fully as dangerous as putting claus- 
wophobics in charge of elevators or 
anorexics in charge of school kitchens. 

Almost 20 centuries ago, someone 
suggested to the Roman senate that all 
the slaves in Rome be made to wear dis- 
tinctive clothing. “This is a bad idea,” 
protested one Roman. “They may all 
look around and realize just how large 
their numbers are.” 

Those who enjoy sex are now under 
siege by ignorance and fear. If only in 
spirit, we must identify ourselves, somc- 
how acknowledging just how large our 
numbers are. This includes not believ- 
ing those TV and newspaper stories 
daiming the only consumers of porn 
are addicts and victims. Now, more 
than ever, it's time, emotionally and 
spiritually, to just say yes. 

Marty Klein is a marriage counselor 
and sex therapist. 


A 
EE 


DONALD WILDMON 
THE TUPELO AYATOLLAH 


When the Ayatollah Khomeini decided that the book The Satanic 
Verses, by Salman Rushdie, was offensive to Islamic values, he 
called for the author's murder. In the U.S., responses ranged from 
First Amendment champions’ calling for sanctions against Iran to 
a joke hotline's noting that Rushdie should write a sequel called 
Buddha, You Fat Fuck. While it’s comfortable to rail against rag- 
head repression, our home-grown version is no joke. We refer, of 
course, to the Tupelo ayatollah, the Reverend Donald E. Wildmon. 
It would be more appropriate for Rushdie's next book to be called 
Wildmon, You Dumb Fuck. 

Wildmon Y-D-F is head of The Coalition of Christian Leaders for 
Responsible Television. Like the other ayatollah, he is the self- 
appointed definer and defender of his religion's values. His com- 
plaints to the Federal Communications Commission culminated in 
regulations that would ultimately result in the prosecution of any- 
one who read unexpurgated passages from Rushdie's novel on 
radio or television. A California radio station chose not to broad- 
cast a reading of The Satanic Verses, because "A single complaint 
might mean tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, loss of our 
broadcast license, prosecution by the Department of Justice, a 
hefty fine and two years in Federal prison.” Hey, guys, at least 
you'd still be breathing. 

Instead of sending death squads after artists who present a dif- 
ferent world view, Wildmon Y-D-F incites the faithful into letter- 
writing frenzies and bombards advertisers with postcards and 

as American es apple pic. So, it seems, is 
attempting to impose your moral views on the rest of the nation. 

Wildmon Y-D-F has formulated his moral values the old-fash- 
ioned way—by counting on his fingers. He kept a careful count of 
the language used in the eight-hour miniseries Lonesome Dove. 
According to a story in The Wall Street Journal, the show "con- 
tained 32 uses of the word hell, by his calculations, ‘none refer- 
ring to the place” It contained 31 uses of damn, 30 uses of whore 
and TI uses of poke as а euphemism for sex. Twelve times, more- 
over, it took the name of the Lord in vain." 

The New Puritans, the name given to Wildmon Y-D-F and his ilk 
by the popular media, regularly deluge the sponsors of such 
shows as Saturday Night Live, thirtysomething, Married. . . with 
Children, Moonlighting, 60 Minutes, L.A. Law, Night Court, Cheers, 
The Golden Girls, A Current Affair, The Phil Donahue Show, Geral- 
do, Inside Edition, The Morton Downey Jr. Show and The Oprah 
Winfrey Show. Wildmon Y-D-F is so easily offended, he makes the 
ayatollah look like a man of low standards. 

His most publicized target has been Madonna, rock star, nude 
model and actress. Offended by her video that shows an icon of 
a saint coming to life in response to the spiritual adoration of a 
teenage girl, Wildmon Y-D-F urged Pepsi to drop her “Make a 
Wish" commercial, which had home movies of Madonna at her 
birthday party and dancing her way through high school. 

What we have here is black- ig from the McCarthy era. In- 
stead of death threats, the zealots say, "You'll never work in this 
pop culture again.” And, tragically, the pressure groups win. Wild- 
mon Y-D-F got Dr Pepper to jettison Dr. Ruth, Domino's Pizza to pull 
its advertisements from Saturday Night Live and Pepsi to 
drop Madonna. The new Pepsi spokesperson will be Howdy Doo- 
dy—a puppet with a wooden head. At last, Wildmon Y-D-F has 
created tell ion in his own image. 


уур 


VERNA Y 
A EE rU Er / T POT SEN 


N E W S ERON T 


whats happening in the sexual and social arenas 


BARELY NATURAL 


YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK—T he Yosemite 
Art Museum removed all but two of the 
outdoor nude studies displayed by Ken 
Marcus, a former Playboy photographer 


and disciple of Ansel Adams. Park 
officials evidently thought that the photos 
went loo far back to nature—and re- 
placed them with pictures of decaying 
park buildings. 


RIGHT-WING REVENGE 


WASHINGTON, D.C—Forty liberal organ- 
izations, including People for the Ameri- 
can Way, are losing their tax-exempt 
status because they opposed Judge Robert 
Bork’s nomination to the Supreme Court. 
The Internal Revenue Service decided 
that their opposition to Borks appoint- 
ment violated the tax code’ restrictions 
against lobbying. 


SEARCHING SMUGGLERS 


WASHINGTON, D.C.— The Supreme Court 
ruled that suspicious behavior is enough 
of a “reasonable basis" to stop and search 
a suspected drug courier. In sustaining a 
conviction for cocaine possession, the sev- 
en-lo-two majority decided that even 
though the drug smuggler, who had trav- 
eled round trip from Honolulu to Miami, 
had done nothing overtly illegal, the fact 
that he had paid $2100 in cash for his 
tickets, checked no luggage, appeared nerv- 


ous and returned almost immediately to 
Honolulu fit a drug-courier profile and 
was sufficient cause for Drug Enforce- 
ment Administration agents to suspect il- 
legal activity and to search him. The 
search uncovered 1063 grams of coke in 
his carry-on luggage. 


NEITHER LOVE NOR MONEY 


BALTINORE—American Express is hav- 
ing trouble prying $6716.92 cut of a 
cardholder who claims that the charges 
were for sex with prostitutes at night clubs 
and, therefore, cannot be collected. Ac- 
cording to the man's attorney, "It is ax- 
iomatic that а contract that has as its 
purpose an underlying illegality cannot 
be enforced by either of the parties.” The 
Maryland Court of Appeals has ruled 
previously that illegal sex acts are not cov- 
ered by contract law, but so far, it is the 
cardholder's word against the night clubs’ 
that the charges were for sex and not—as 
they claim—for champagne, 


ILLICIT REMAINS ILLEGAL 


CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE —An effort to 
repeal New Hampshire's 200-yearold law 
against adultery failed when the state 
senate killed a reform bill passed by the 
house. The senate Democratic leader said, 
“We do cherish some traditional values 
up here.” 


PREGNANT WITH AIDS 


atpany—An analysis of the blood of 
babies born in New York in 1988 revealed 
that the AIDS-infection rate for their 
mothers is one in 150 state-wide and one 
in 77 in New York City. The study found 
that AIDS-virus infection is concentrated 
in neighborhoods with high rates of drug 
use, thus supporting the belief that the dis- 
ease is entering the heterosexual commu- 
nity mainly by way of I.V-drug users and 
their sex partners. The analysis also 
confirms that minorities are bearing the 
brunt of AIDS infection. All newborns of 
infected women test positive because they 
carry their mothers! antibodies, but fewer 
than half develop the disease itself. 


MATING GAME 


ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN—A study of hu- 
man mate preferences in 37 cultures has 


found that the basis on which humans 
choose their mates is virtually universal 
and controlled by evolution. Both sexes 
value kindness and intelligence more 
highly than income or physical appear- 
ance. The international consortium of 50 
scientists who conducted the study also 
found that “men world-wide place greater 
value on mates who are young and physi- 
cally attractive" while “women prefer 
mates who are somewhat older, have good 
financial prospects and are ambitious 
and industrious.” Similar preferences are 
found in many nonhuman species. 


FUTURE SEX 


LOS ANGELES— "Sexual Dilemmas of the 
Nineties” was the theme of the annual 
Western regional meeting of the Society 
for the Scientific Study of Sex, and dilem- 
mas there will be if some of the projections 
come true. Рт. Michael Perry, a Sherman 
Oaks sex therapist, predicts that reproduc- 
tion in the next decade will be “separated 
from sex” and will depend mostly on ar- 
tificial methods of conception and gesta- 
tion, including the possibility of men's 


bearing babies. He noted that “the fetus is 
a very effective parasite [and] could easily 
gestate in the male intestine" Then he 
gave listeners something else to chew on: 
“We already know that a baby can be 
grown in a cow. But what about the pre- 
natal influence? Will the baby come out 
liking alfalfa?” 


40 


THE LAST TABOO 
Am I glad I read “The Last Ta- 
boo," by Ron Kirkby, Ph.D. (The 
Playboy Forum, May). 1 have rent- 
ed only a handful of X-rated 
movies and have been disap- 
pointed in all of them. I figured 1 
just managed to pick out some 
bad ones. Now I krov better. 
D. Nelson 
Reading, Pennsylvania 


I suggest that all your readers 
write to porn-film makers to re- 
quest the kind of movie Kirkby 
describes. Maybe his vision can 
become a reality, 

Edward Diggs 
Fort Wayne, Indiana 


Forn-film makers, like others 
who are involved in a successful 
business, stick with what their 
customers want. Kirkby's version. 
of a porn movie would be intelli- 
gent, appealing and lovely— but 
nota hot rental item, 

Fred A. Glienna 
South Pasadena, California 


Everything I know about how 
to make love to a woman has 
been learned through trial and 
error. I havent yet found a wom- 
an who enjoys making love the 
way porn movies show a man and 
a woman making love. Men could 
learn how to be great lovers if 
porn-film makers would make 
movies with real love scenes. 

Robert L. Machal 
Englewood, New Jersey 


I think you wasted two pages 
of a great magazine. 
Clarence W. Gidley 
‘Tuscaloosa, Alabama 


Perhaps the reason that so much porn 
is centered on the male body is that film 
makers have the adolescent feeling that 
“that could be mine,” instead of the more 
mature feelings necessary to be a respon- 
sive lover. 

Carl Marquardt 

Kew Gardens Hills, New York 


YOUR POSTAL QUARTER'S WORTH 

I work for the United States Postal 
Service and know that child pornogra- 
phy is not the only area in which it en- 
gages in sting jobs (The Playboy Forum, 


hearing ud 


in psychology and law to 
and television) for personal failings 


September 1988 and February 1989). 
The Postal Inspection Service pressures 
postal workers into entrapping their fel- 
low workers—usually into selling drugs. 

In a recent issue of the American 
Postal Workers’ Union paper, there was 
the article “Beware of Inspection Service 
Informants.” It reads in part: “A.PWU. 
obtained the transcript of testimony by a 
Postal Inspection Service informant that 
was used in the criminal prosecution of a 
postal worker for selling drugs. The 
transcript paints a shameful picture of 
how the Inspection Service treats postal 
workers.” 

The article then details how a postal 


е and more these days 
about what I call the New Obscenity. It’s not a four- 
letter word but an oft-repeated statement that 
strikes at the very core of our humanity. The four 
words аге ‘I can't help myself. 
“This philosophy sees man as an organism be- 
ing acted upon by biological and social forces, 
rather than as an agent with a free will. It views of- 
fenders not as sinful or criminal but as ‘sick.’ By ig- 
noring the idea that people face temptations that 
can—and should—be resisted, it denies the very 
quality that separates us from the animals.” 1 
— WILLIAM LEE WILBANKS, professor of criminal | 
justice, commenting on the EE tendency 

ime internal and 

external factors (for example, anger, depres- 
sion, hormones, sex, pornography, alcohol 


worker vas coerced into selling 
another "employee" (really a post- 
al inspector) drugs and then was 
persuaded to entrap other em- 
ployees. It concludes that “the ac- 
tivities of the Postal Inspection 
Service . . . show that they are part 
of the problem, not the solution.” 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


The United States Postal Serv- 
ice is issuing a commemorative 
stamp in honor of the bicentenni- 
al of the French Revolution. The 
painting Liberly Leading the Peo- 
ple, by Eugene Delacroix, will be 
depicted on the stamp. This is 
the same painting that is used in 
an illustration in the March 
Playboy Forum. The stamp, how- 
ever, will not be a faithful 
representation of the ori 
painting—the Postal Service vill 
airbrush Liberty's nipples so that 
they will not be visible! 

E Sanders 
New York, New York 


BE WILY AGAINST WILDMON 

I've discovered that the 
Reverend Donald E. Wildmor's 
AFA Journal actually does serve a 
good purpose. Wildmon com- 
piles names and addresses of the 
companies that advertise on and 
in what he considers offensive 
television programs and maga- 
zines. He suggests that his read- 
ers send hate mail to the 
companies until they stop adver- 
tising on the shows and in the 
magazines. | used his listing to 
send letters asking that the com- 
panies not capitulate to him. 1 
sent one letter to Playtex, which 
advertises in Sassy—one of Wildmon's 
least favorite magazines after Playboy. 
Martin Petersen, director of community 
relations for Playtex, wrote back, saying, 
“You may be interested to know, yours is 
the only letter we have received support- 
ing this publication." His letter strength- 
ens my belief that we must takea stand to 
fight the Wildmons of the world, who are 
infinitely more organized than we are. 
Kim Erwin 
Chicago, Illinois 


ANTI-ABORTION ARMY 
Allowing the leaders of a self-named 
religious "army"—who make death 


threats against those with whom they dis- 
agree—to walk free is to surrender the 
right to free speech (“Onward, Christian 
Soldiérs?" The Playboy Forum, May). A 
threat against a writer's life because of 
the ideas he expresses is a serious crime 
and should be treated as such by the 
American Government. 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


THE REAL OBSCENITY 

Recently, the top news stories have 
been about the Alaskan oil disaster, the 
six tons of missing insecticide threaten- 
ing to cause an environmental catastro- 
phe in the English Channel, scientists" 
concerns about the depletion of the ozone 
layer and the raping of the oceans by pol- 
lution and overfishing, Perhaps it would 
be wise for the spiritual leaders of the 
US. to stop spending so much time wor- 
tying about how many bare breasts 
should be shown on television. The time 
has come—and is almost past—for those 
leaders to raise awareness about our re- 


sponsibility toward the garden that God 
entrusted to us. But then, maybe they 
should first determine what kind of cash 
the environmental issue would generate. 
After all, first things first. 
Mike Pusch 
Omaha, Nebraska. 


BUNDY'S LEGACY 

We lost a loved one to Ted Bundy. We 
will never know where she is; we will nev- 
er have any peace. Dr. James Dobson says 
that he has compassion for those of us 
who suffered the hell Bundy put us 
through (“Ted Bundys Original Ama- 
teur Hour,” The Playboy Forum, June). He 
says he is not exploiting the pain and suf- 
fering that the victims’ families will en- 
dure all their lives. 

Yet Dobson is exploiting us by mailing 
a letter requesting donations to help him 
in the “fight against obscenity” and citing 
Bundy' final interview as proof that 
pornography causes crime. I am not in 
favor of violent pornography, but Bundy 
is not my spokesperson. He played his 


last role as he played other roles all his 
life—as a manipulator. 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


If Bundy hadnt the self-discipline to 
contain himself, he should have been 
held accountable for his actions—not 
pornography. 

Steven J. Koehler 
Mesa, Arizona 


DRUGS: WHOSE FAILURE? 

J. Gaynes of San Diego cites his long ca- 
Teer as a junkie and concludes that legal- 
ization will not work (“Reader Response,” 
The Playboy Forum, May). What he has 
shown is that criminalization does not 
work. 

Millard H. Perstein 
Sedona, Arizona 


Using drugs is a way to escape from 
life. The high incidence of drug use 
speaks eloquently on society's failure to 
offer a decent way of life. 

E J. Jermyn 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


PN 


а 


"Every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people 
alone. Even under the best forms, those entrusted with power have, in time 


and by slow operations, perverted 


into tyranny” THOMAS JEFFERSON 


“There is no week nor day nor hour, when tyranny may not enter upon 
this country, if the people lose their supreme confidence in themselves and 


lose their roughness and spirit of defiance.” 


— WALT WHITMAN 


The Eighties may be remembered as the decade the Government took 
away our rights while no one watched. In his foreword to Donna A. Demac's 
Liberty Denied (PEN American Center), Walter Karp talks about the Reagan 
Administratioris deliberate use of arbitrary powers—"the power to censor, 
to silence, to intimidate, to keep ignorant, 10 keep Government tabs on, to 


keep Government concealed from 
people.” 


an ostensibly free and self-governing 


We have covered the obvious measures—schoolbook censorship and the 
antics of the Meese commission—in The Playboy Forum, but Demac shows 
how pervasive and routine the repression became under Reagan. How do we 


compare with the rest of the world? 


Article 19 World Report 1988 (Times), subtitled “Information, Freedom and 


Censorship," edited by Kevin Boyle, 


analyzes the status of free speech in 50 


countries. This is recommended reading—while we still can. We have scen 


the enemy, and he is us. 


5 


LIBERTY DENIED 


THE CURRENT 


RISE OF 


CENSORSHIP 


IN AMERICA 


41 


42 


ear THE SEARCH FUB 


SEXUAL FREEDOM 


“In 1650, young Samuel Terry of 
Springfield, Massachusetts, distressed 
his neighbors when, during the Sabbath 
sermon, he stood outside the meeting 
house ‘chafing his yard to provoak lust.” 
Several lashes on the back may have dis- 
suaded him from masturbating in public 
again, but in 1661, Samuel Terry endured 
another punishment for sexual miscon- 
duct. Now married, his bride of five 
months gave birth to their first child, 
clear evidence that the pair had indulged 
in premarital intercourse. A four-pound 
fine was not the last Terry would pay for 
defying the moral standards of his com- 
munity. In 1673, the court fined Terry 
and eight other men who had performed 
an ‘immodest and beastly’ play. Despite 
this history of sexual offenses, however, a 
sinner like Samuel Terry could command 
respect among his peers, ‘lerry not only 
served as a town constable but, in addi- 
tion, the court entrusted him with the 
custody of another man’s infant son. 
In short, as long as he accepted punish- 
ment for his transgressions, Samuel 
‘Terry remained a citizen in good stand- 
ing"—from Intimate Matters, “A History 
of Sexuality in America,” by John 
D'Emilio and Estelle B. Freedman. 

Ah, how times have changed. In the 
small town of West Valley City, Salt Lake 
County, state of Utah, Sergeant Gary W 
Oliverson and three of his colleagues met 
several female members of Explorer Post 
955, an organization formed to intro- 
duce young adulis to police procedures. 
Over time, relationships developed. One 
morning, police officers found taped to 
the door of the police station a handwrit- 
ten note accusing unnamed police of for- 
nication vith several of these women. 

The police chief called in Oliverson 
and said, “Tell the truth or you will lose 
your job." Oliverson admitted to having 
engaged in noncommercial, nonprostitu- 
tional, consensual, heterosexual relations 
with two women, one 18, the other 21—in 
private. None of the conduct was related 
to his employment or service as a police 
officer. He had simply met the women at 
the station. None of the women had com- 
plained. 

Oliverson was suspended for 30 days 
without pay. Some of the citizens of Utah, 
however, were not satisfied. Nine of 
them, upon reading stories of the inci- 


dent, filed a complaint calling for his dis- 
missal, arguing that as a police officer, he 
had violated at least three state laws. 

You see, Utah is still in the 17th Centu- 
ry. On the books are laws against fornica- 
tion, sodomy and adultery. According to 
the state code: "A person commits 
sodomy when the actor engages in any 
sexual act with a person who is 14 years 
of age or older involving the genitals of 


onc person and the mouth or anus of an- 
other person, regardless of the sex of ei- 
ther participant. . . . Any unmarried 
person who shall voluntarily engage in 
sexual intercourse with another is guilty 
of fornication.” Both acts are class-B mis- 
demeanors, with sentences of up to six 
months in jail and a $1000 fine. 

The state code defines adultery as fol- 
lows: “A married person commits adul- 
tery when he voluntarily has sexual 
intercourse with a person other than his 
spouse.” With a class-A misdemeanor, an. 
offender is subject to a year in jail and/or 
a $2500 fine. 

Oliverson believes he is a good police 
officer; he believes these laws violate his 
constitutional right to privacy. He hired 
Brian Barnard, a lawyer with the Utah 
Legal Clinic, to challenge them. 

Barnard, who wants to “drag Utah into 
the Twentieth Century,” has twice chal- 
lenged the fornication statute, He tried 


to have the law overturned in a class-ac- 
tion suit by cohabiters, arguing that the 
1980 census figures showed that nearly 
77000 households in Utah were composed 
of two unrelated, unmarried people of 
the opposite sex. The judge responded: 
"It cannot be presumed that all such per- 
sonsare sexually active with one another, 
though some may be so involved. The 
plaintiffs’ claim that ‘a vast majority of 
the people living in such households are 
probably engaging in sexual intercourse" 
is pure speculation.” 

Barnard argued that there were 3600 
births out of wedlock in Salt Lake and 
Davis counties between 1983 and 1985, 
suggesting that sexual intercourse was 
certainly taking place. Utah's assistant 
attorney general responded that the 
figures were inconclusive: “The fact that 
there were births out of wedlock doesn't 
necessarily mean there was fornication.” 

Besides, said the assistant attorney 
general, there was a dearth of prosecu- 
tions. These people had no real fear that 
the law would be enforced, he continued, 
so why bother changing it? The judge 
threw the case out. 

Oliverson faces prosecution. The laws 
pose a real threat to his livelihood, to say 
nothing of his love life. And Barnard 
agrees. He is asking that the law be de- 
clared unconstitutional. 

Barnard believes that the citizens of 
Utah, even the police, have a right to pri- 
vacy guaranteed by the Constitution. He 
cites Justice Louis Brandeis in Olmstead 
vs. United States: “The makers of our 
Constitution undertook to secure condi- 
tions favorable to the pursuit of happi- 
ness. They recognized the significance of 
maris spiritual nature, of his feelings and 
of his intellect. They knew that only a 
part of the pain, pleasure and satisfac- 
tions of life are to be found in material 
things. They sought to protect Ameri- 
cans in their beliefs, their thoughts, their 
emotions and their sensations. They con- 
ferred as against the Government the 
right to be let alone—the most compre- 
hensive of rights and the right most val- 
ued by civilized men.” 
it would seem that fornication 
and sodomy are sources of sensations— 
at least if you're doing them right. A se- 
ries of Court decisions extended the 
right of privacy to unmarried couples; 


с — KETI 


Eisenstadt vs. Baird gave unmarried cou- 
ples the right to use contraceptives. “If 
the right of privacy means anything, it is 
the right of the individual, married or 
single, to be free from unwarranted Gov- 
ernmental intrusion into matters so fun- 
damentally affecting a person as the 
decision whether to bear or beget a 
child.” 

‘The right to use contraceptives, argues 
Barnard, “means little if the accompany- 
ing sexual intercourse is criminal.” 

‘The state of Utah says that the right of 
privacy does not protect consensual, het- 
erosexual, noncommercial acts of 
sodomy between unmarried adults. In 
addition, the Maryland supreme court 
recently upheld 
the conviction of a 
man who engaged 
in “an unnatural 
and perverted sex- 
ual practice,” 
namely, fellatio. In 
a series of U.S. Su- 
preme Court deci- 
sions, the Justices 
have argued that 
sodomy does not 
fit within the limit- 
ed coverage of the 
privacy right. In 
Bowers vs. Hard- 
wick, the Supreme 
Court said: "The 
issue presented is 
whether the Fed- 
eral Constitution 
confers a funda- 
mental right upon 
homosexuals to 
engage in sodomy 
and hence invali- 
dates the laws of 
the many states 
that still make 
such conduct ille- 
gal and have done 
so for a very long 
time.” It decided that the Constitution 
did not grant such a right to homosexu- 
als (it refrained from clarifying the issues 
for heterosexuals). In his dissent to Bow- 
ers, Justice Harry Blackmun wrote that 
he hoped “the Court soon will reconsider 
its analysis and conclude that depriving 
individuals of the right to choose for 
themselves how to conduct their intimate 
relationships poses a far greater threat to 
the values most deeply rooted in our na- 
tion's history than tolerance of noncon- 
formity could ever do.” 

Barnard argues that such laws attempt 
to dictate forms of sexual activity, that 
the missionary position of procreative 
sex is some kind of state-endorsed loyalty 
oath. In Moore vs. City of East Cleveland, 


though, the Supreme Court found that 
“the Constitution prevents Government 
from standardizing its children—and its 
adults—by forcing all to live in certain 
narrowly defined patterns.” 

There is even argument as to whether 
or not the ancient tradition supposedly 
protected by the law uniformly bans oral 
sex. The Utah state's attorney admits that 
“although sodomy at common law did not 
include fellatio, the religious forerunners 
of the common law made broad condem- 
nations of sexual acts besides vaginal ii 
tercourse. Sodomy was an ecclesiastical 
offense before it was banned by courts of 
law. Religious expositions such as Summa 
Theologiae of Saint Thomas Aquinas 


Sodomy Laws in the States 


E Heterosexual end homosexuel sodomy low 
El Homosexuel sodomy law only 


demonstrate that anal intercourse and 
bestiality were only two of several pro- 
hibited acts.” 

Barnard responds that although the 
Bible clearly prohibits anal intercourse, it 
never prohibits oral sodomy. And, in- 
deed, early state law seemed to reflect 
that: In 1868, not even half of the then- 
existing United States recognized 
sodomy as a crime on the books. “Those 
states that did prohibit it acknowledged 
that by including oral-genital contact as 
criminal sodomy, they were altering the 
common law” Why should something 
that is legal in Colorado (and 24 other 
states) become a crime when you cross 
the state line? Intimacy is a basic free- 
dom, not some feudal right reserved by 


the states. 

The Supreme Court has said that be- 
fore a state can intrude on a citizen's right 
to privacy, it must demonstrate that it has 
a compelling interest. The Utah state’s 
attorney argues that the law is “a reason- 
able means of promoting marriage and 
traditional moral values.” 

Barnard replies: “If there were legiti- 
mate compelling state interests served by 
this statute, the defendants and their 
predecessors would have regularly en- 
forced this antisodomy law. The lack of 
enforcement belies any claims of possible 
legitimate or compelling state interests. 

Barnard argues that the law is irra- 
tional. Sex laws are seldom enforced; in 
fact, under the 
vague laws of most 
states, 95 percent 
of American men 
and a large per- 
centage of Ameri- 
can women have 
experienced or- 
gasm in an illegal 
manner. 

It happens that 
in Utah, the law 
may appear to en- 
courage marriage, 
since it allows mar- 
ried persons to 
kiss their partners" 
genitals, while it 
makes similar con- 
duct a crime when 
done by persons 
not married to 
each other. Thus, 
says Barnard, 
"heterosexual sod- 
omy in and of 
itself is not in- 
herently evil and 
offensive" Such a 
capricious distinc- 
tion denies single 
persons equal pro- 
tection under the law. As one circuit- 
court judge said, "If government insists 
on regulating private sexual conduct be- 
tween consenting adults, it must, at a 
minimum, do so evenhandedly.” 

The Utah state's attorney argues that 
“legalizing sodomy for married couples 
also removes a potential obstacle to re- 
pairing strained relations.” 

Theres nothing like a blow job to 
smooth over those little domestic 
squabbles; 1 guess cohabiters and single 
persons will have to resort to the 
thirtysomething solution and talk it out. 
Or they can go directly to firearms and 
frying pans. 

Barnard attacks the rationality of the 
state argument. If the fornication law is 


43 


44 


intended to reduce illegitimacy and de- 
crease the number of state-supported 
children, repealing the sodomy statute 
and offering a nonprocreative form of 
sex to single adults certainly serves the 
same function. If the point of the law 
is to prevent the spread of AIDS, 
then encouraging oral sex (which has 
not been proven to spread the disease) 
serves that purpose. If the state were 
serious about protecting marriage, it 
would outlaw divorce. If it were serious 


about illegitimacy, it would outlaw 
bastards or compel unwed mothers to 
have abortions. 

Barnard' final argument is the most 
eloquent: “Intimate sexual conduct 
such as sodomy is quintessentially pri- 
vate and lies at the heart of an intimate 
association, beyond the proper reach of 
state regulation. 

“An act of intimate sexual conduct 
(including acts of sexual intercourse 
and sodomy) is a method of expressing 


IN MARYLAND 
etiquette law still stands 00000000 


Would you believe that an unmar- 
ried heterosexual man was sentenced 
to five years in prison for engaging in 
consensual oral sex with a woman in 
the privacy of her bedroom? Believe 
it. It happened in Maryland last year. 

Dovie Sullivan accused Steven 
Adam Schochet of raping her, forcing 
her to commit fellatio and engaging 
in anal intercourse with her. The facts 
of the case indicate that shie was tiy- 
ing to get even with him for falsely re- 
porting to the police that she was a 
child abuser. 

Despite the questionable nature of 
the case, the state of Maryland indict- 
cd Schochet for committing rape and 
fellatio but did not charge Sullivan 
with fellatio. The jury acquitted him 
of rape but convicted him for oral sex 
under the Unnatural or Perverted 
Sexual Practices Act, enacted in 1916, 
which reads in part, “Every person 
who is convicted of taking into his or 
her mouth the sexual organ of any 
other person or animal, or who shall 
be convicted of placing his or her sex- 
ual organ in the mouth of any other 
person or animal, or who shall be 
convicted of com: ing any other 
unnatural or perverted sexual prac- 
tice with any other person or animal, 
shall be fined . . . and imprisoned.” 
Schochet was sentenced to five years 
in prison with all but 18 months sus- 
pended, plus five years’ probation. 
The sentence was later reduced to 
probation only. 

Schochet appealed to the Maryland 
Court of Special Appeals. He chal- 
lenged the constitutionality of the Un- 
natural or Perverted Sexual Practices 
Act, arguing that it violates the right 


to privacy. 

The Maryland court examined 
four U.S. Supreme Court cases re- 
garding the right to privacy: In Poe vs. 
Ullman (1961) and Griswold vs. Con- 
necticut (1965), the Supreme Court 
recognized that married people have 
a fundamental right to purchase and 
receive information about contracep- 
tives. The Maryland court construed 
these cases to grant a right to privacy 
for married persons only. The right 


could not extend to everyone's bed- 
room because another Supreme 
Court case, Bowers vs Hardwick 
(1986), held that homosexuals do not 
have a right to privacy in theirs. 

In 1972, the Supreme Court decid- 
ed in Eisenstadt vs. Baird that unmar- 
ried people have a right to use 
contraceptives. Although some may 
interpret that as granting a right to 
privacy in the bedrooms of unmar- 
ried people, the Maryland court read 


affection, love, attachment, fidelity, car- 
ing, passion, tenderness, devotion 
just as those feelings and emotions may 
be expressed by words through written 
or spoken language. The First Amend- 
ment of the United States Constitution 
prohibits most Government restrictions 
upon expression.” 

The Playboy Foundation is support- 
ing this case; we will keep you posted 
on the outcome. If we are not free in 
our bodies, we are not free. 


the ruling to mean that only the deci- 
sion to have children is protected by a 
right to privacy—not the decision to 
engage in oral sex. 

One of the three judges in the 
Maryland court, Judge Wilner, dis- 
sented. Quoting Justice Louis 
Brandeis, he said, the makers of the 
Constitution “conferred the right to 
be let alone—the most comprehensive 
of rights and the right most valued by 
civilized man.” He argued that sexual 
contact between unmarried people is 
just as private as that between mar- 
ried people, that an intrusion into the 
bedroom of unmarried people is just 
as repulsive as an intrusion into that 
of married people and that if the po- 
lice cannot legally search a bedroom 
for contraceptives, they should not be 
permitted to search for certain types 
of sexual activity, He could find no 
possible state interest to justify the 
prohibition against oral sex. 

Despite Wilner’s arguments, the 
Maryland court concluded that the 
Unnatural or Perverted Sexual Prac- 
tices Act does not violate the right to 
privacy and that unmarried hetero- 
sexuals have no fundamental consti- 
tutional right to engage in oral sex. 
The act should stand, said the court, 
unless the Maryland legislature de- 
cides to repeal it. 

Schochet appealed to the Maryland 
Court of Appeals, the state's highest 
court, and the case awaits disposition. 
In the meantime, let this be fair warn- 
ing—dorft get caught having oral sex 
in Maryland. 

—ROBERT B. GIDDING, an attorney at 

Fox, Rothschild, O'Brien & 
Frankel in Philadelphia 


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pomme 


pravgov interview: JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP 


a candid conversation with the no-frills superstar about music that 
rocks, lyrics that hurt and the lasting importance of “cool hand luke” 


‘As rock and voll slouches through its fourth 
decade, John Cougar Mellencamp remains 
hell-bent on riding the beast where he wants it 
to go, as opposed lo where the entertainment 
conglomerates want it taken. His destina- 
tion? He would call it “the main event,” a 
heavyweight bout between lus appetites and 
his sense of responsibility. The fact that this 
fight takes place in his own soul gives his 
songs power. The factthat he also perceives the 
conflict on a grander scale gives his songs po- 
litical resonance. If the hero is someone who 
can face up to his own contradictions, Mel- 
lencamp is a true rock-and-roll hero. 

It was a role for which he didn't volunteer. 
An academic screw-up, Mellencamp had lit- 
Ile going for him in the beginning except ban- 
lam-rooster. pugnacity. He certamly didn't 
know anything about music when he signed 
with his first manager, Tony DeFries. Once 
the mastermind behind David Bowie, DeFries 
decided he had a formula for success and 
Mellencamp was going to fit it. He changed 
Mellencamp’ name to Johnny Cougar, 
dressed him like a glitter rocker and sent him 
into the studio without the benefit of a pro- 
ducer, The resulting album, released in 1978, 
was a humiliating bomb. The reviewers right- 
by savaged him for being an inept phony. 
iguring that things couldn't get any 
worse, Mellencamp decided to try being him- 
self, hitting the comeback trail at the tender 
age of 23. After a couple of years of poverty 


“Sad to say, 1 owned a tattoo parlor for a 
while. Big mistake. All of us got tattoos now, 
none of us want them. 1 got three of the fuck- 
ers. My wife has two. Even my aunt Tools got 
a tattoo and shes fifty-seven.” 


and a stay in England, where he was over 
shadowed by the punk explosion, he finally ex 
hibited his songwriting ability with “I Need a 
Louer" a hit in Australia for him and a much 
bigger hit world-wide for Pal Benatar. But 
judging from his follow-up album, “Nothin” 
Matters and What if It Did,” one could 1ca- 
sonably assert that he had learned neither hu- 
mility from his failure nor gratitude for his 


Next came a personal crisis. Mellencamp 
had fallen in love with a young Los Angeles 
model, Victoria Lynn Granucci, and had 
courted her on the Му until the affair was dis- 
covered by his wife, Priscilla, They divorced, 
he remarried and calmed down enough to 
write and record two of the greatest rock-and- 
roll songs of all time: "Hurts So Good 
danceable tune that showed his evolution 
from bitterness to balanced contradiction, 
and “Jack and Diane,” a story of youthful 
passion that counsels holding on to that pas- 
sion. "long after the thrill of living is gone,” 
Among critics, Mellencamp’s achievement 
caused a tremor that registered a nine on the 
cognilive-dissonance scale. “John Cougar did 
that? But that’s good, Surely, this is a flash in 
the pan.” John answered them by changing 
his name back to Mellencamp and making 


four multiplatinum — albums —"American 
Fool" “Uh-Huh,” “Scarecrow” and “The 


Lonesome Jubilee,” while his latest, “Big 
Daddy,” was shipped platinum, He reinvent- 


“Getting married is a very hard job. Thats 
what E think. You don't just get out of college, 
marry a girl and say, ‘Hey, bitch, bring me 
some food. 1 know I tried. It don't work and. 
its not right.” 


ed folk rock with his innovative integration of 
acoustic guilar in a hard-rock format, creat- 
ed a haunting new sound by combining 
fiddle and accordion and did it all by getting 
the most cut of real, live talented musicians, 
without the benefit of sampling or drum ma- 
chines. 

Mellencamp's lyrics, however, have had the 
most impact, Since his early failure at being a 
phony, he has appeared incapable of saying 
anything that isn't honest and straightfor- 
ward. You may not agree with every point hes 
making, but you always know what point he’s 
making. Your impulse after listening to him 
is to take him aside and discuss whatever has 
been weighing heavily on ol’ John's mind. 

Weighing most heavily for the past few 
years have been the farm crisis, the rapacious 
greed and cruelty of the Reagan era, the bal- 
ancing of his personal, professional and po- 
litical concerns, personality flaws that turn 
into tragedies over a lifetime and the mean- 
ing, if any, that it all has. 

The son of an electrical contractor and a 
Miss Indiana runner-up, Mellencamp start- 
ed life on October 7, 1951, in Seymour, Indi- 
ana, with a tumor on his neck. When the 
doctors took it out, they removed two of his 
vertebrae as well, destining him to shortness 
and a 4-F draft deferment. Being short, 
of course, is a trait strongly associated with 
rock stardom; if he couldn't be the biggest. he 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARC HAUSER 


“Guys like us, we're lucky to be doing what we 
want. Satisfaction doesn't come from the mon- 
ey but from the work. However meager your 
Job, you've got to find happiness there—that’s 
the dirty trick God played on us" 


47 


PLAYBOY 


48 


would be the loudest and the toughest. He 
was a terror in the classroom, barely manag- 
ing a D average. He married his pregnant 
girlfriend at the age of 18, walked out on the 
S.A.T. and barely made it through Vincennes 
University, the only college thal would take a 
chance on him, 

Just how did this guy go from nowhere to 
disgrace to one-hit wonder to stardom and 
acclaim? We sent one of our resident rock 
critics, Charles M. Young, on the road with 
Mellencamp to seek the answers. Says Young: 

“What John Cougar Mellencamp really 
likes to do is horseshit. In the Mellencamp lex- 
icon, that’s a verb, meaning ‘to sit around 
with peopile you trust and retell old stories un- 
til the rough edges fall off and you have creat- 
ed the anecdotal equivalent of a pebble thats 
been rolling in a stream bed for several geo- 
logical epochs.’ 

“Unfortunately, Mellencamp only half. 
trusts journalists, because he knows that if 
certain pebbles reached print, he couldn't go 
home to Seymour again, or even to Bloom- 
ington, where he currently lives. 

“Ouer the six days that we talked, 1 asked 
him everything 1 could think of for as long as 
we could stand it and then put away the tape 
recorder The second I punched STOPIEJECT, 
Mellencamp would relax and lay into the 
grotesque small-town stuff—off the record— 
that he won't make public until hes a hun- 
dred and twenty years old and everyone he 
could possibly embarrass is dead. 

"If 1 had to describe Mellencamp’s person- 
ality in a single phrase, Vd say, Dare to be 
obtuse? The guy flunked tenth-grade English 
three times. To make him read a book today all 
the u way vay through, you'd have to give him a 
choice between attaching the printed word 
and sticking his head into a cage with a 
starving weasel. Even then, he might prefer 
the weasel. 

"One afternoon, we were viding on the 
tour bus and discussing Marlon Brando, who 
is near the top of Mellencamp’ all-time-hero 
list for his brilliant acting and limitless ca- 
pacity to be an asshole, Mellencamp handed 
me a recent biography, gave it a high recom- 
mendation and took a nap for an hour while 
1 read the first two chapters, When he awoke, 
he picked my brain for every üdbit of infor- 
mation I'd gleaned. When 1 could remember 
no more, he grinned and said, “There! That's 
another book I don't have to read." 1 felt like 
Га just painted Tom Sawyers fence. 

“Being a nonreader does not mean being 
an illiterate, Mellencamp can discuss the 
great antihero movies of the Fifties and Six- 
ties—particularly ‘Hud, ‘Cool Hand Luke 
and ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’—with spe- 
cial insight. And lately, he has taken up im- 
presstonist painting, which he knows well 
enough to know that his work sucks the mop. 

“The down side of Mellencamp is that it 
would be casy for bonehead conservatives like 
Allan Bloom and William Safire to dismiss 
him as an ignorant hick with a talent for mu- 
sical demagoguery. The up side is that, like 


most greal rock-and-roll stars, he is emotion- 
ally authentic and vehemently insistent on his 
own experience, Therefore, he is а threat to 
boneheads everywhere and a tribute to what 
democracy we have left in this country. His 
fans, who come in all ages and political per- 
suasions, seem lo understand that and prize 
him for his frankness, if not for every point he 
makes. They also love his band, which he 
claims is the best in rock right now. 

“Since Mellencamp has fought tooth and 
claw for his integrity after wading it for a few 
empty promises at the start of his career, I de- 
cided to test his resolve by opening our inter- 
view with an offer he couldn't refuse. It 
turned out I bid way low.” 


PLAYBOY: We have a check here for a mi 
lion dollars and all you have to do is 
change the words of We Are the People to 
We Are the Pepsi. Will you take it? 
MELLENCAMP: No, but make me another 
offer. 

PLAYBOY: Two million? 

MELLENCAMP: That's not enough yet. 
PLAYBOY: Why not? 

MELLENCAMP: I just wouldn't do it. I'm not 
for hire. I could have made several million 


“How can anyone take Phil 
Collins seriously when 
his biggest hit is now 
a jingle? Hes a nice guy, 
but I can't figure why 
he would need more money.” 


if I'd just sold Small Town. But give me that 
check unsigned. I'm going to keep that. 
Put it in a little frame. 

PLAYBOY: Why are you against the use of 
rock songs in commercials? 

MELLENCAMP: First of all, John Lennon 
didn't write Revolution to sell shoes. All 
those songs were like, “This is what I be- 
lieve in, thisis what I do, this is my genera- 
tion.” But the corporations say, “We didn't. 
do anything to degrade that song. We ju 
put our product in front of it.” Well, that’s 
just the point. You put your product in 
front of it. That's so far from the main 


PLAYBOY: What do you think of musicians 
who sell their music for commercials? 

MELLENCAMP: I have judgment to make 
on those people, They're just telling us 
what they stand for. Of course, that’s easy 
for me to say. Гуе made a lot of money in 
the music business, and I'm not broke. If 
some musicians get a minor hit, they want 
to make sure that they exploit it to the 
maximum. It's like you rock journalists; 
pretty soon you realize that you have to 
pay the bills. So I understand why some 


guys do it. I don't understand guys who 
have already made a lot of money doing it. 
PLAYBOY: You mean there's a difference be- 
tween an old bluesman in a beer commer- 
cial and Michael Jackson's endorsing Pepsi? 
MELLENCAMP: Did Michael really need ex- 
tra cash to buy the Elephant Man bones? 
PLAYBOY: Would you go as far as Tom Waits, 
who said he's waiting for all the guys who 
have sold their music for jingles to die, so 
he could piss on their grav 
MELLENCAMP: No, I think that’s a little ex- 
treme. I'm an old hippie, and I believe 
live and let live. They justify it to the 
selves, and that’s all you need in life, 
own justification. For me to stand in judg- 
ment of these people is not right. They do 
what they have to do to get by 

PLAYBOY: Lou Reed is another guy who 
took the commercial route, 

MELLENCAMP: I spoke to Lou about that in 
great detail. He spent three days at my 
house, and me and him talked about many 
things. It was a great pleasure for me, be- 
cause he told me how he felt about his drug 
songs and how he'd been criticized for 
them. I had to ask him, “How about this 
motor-scooter advertisement?" And he 
Vell, my biggest problem in life is 
that I've never been commercial. I saw it as 
a way for me to get my songs to a lot of peo 
ple. I didn't make that much money.” So he 
had his reasons, 1 made my point and he 
asked me to see it from his side. 

PLAYBOY: When Rccd puts out a record, he 
asks to be taken seriously as an artist Ist 
it reasonable for people to expect artists 
not to be for sale in that way? 
MELLENCAMP: Exactly If you want to be 
taken seriously, you can't be writing Satur- 
day-morning TV shows, which is what 
these commercials are. How can anyone 
take Phil Collins seriously when his biggest 
is now a jingle? He's а nice guy, but I 
can't figure why he would need more mon- 
ey. Some people make their living at com- 
mercials, and that’s what they should do. 
They write jingles. I write songs. 

PLAYBOY: And the twain should never 
meet? 

MELLENCAMP: That's right. Never. 

PLAYBOY: Right now, rock and roll is in the 
schizophrenic position of being co-opted 
and trivialized by Madison Avenue, just as 
conservatives are trying to turn it into the 
great Satan. Ihe Parents’ Music Resource 
Center says that all it advocates is labeling, 
not censorship. Whats wrong with provid- 
ing the consumer with a little information? 
MELLENCAMP: Well, it is censorship. I don't 
care what anybody says. Whos to judge 
what's R- or PG-rated? Setting up ап au- 
thority to judge that way is censorship. 
Thirty years ago, they were saying, “This 
nigger-bop mu destroying the white 
race." This conversation isn't even fun any- 
more. f rock and roll i is so bad, how ha 
all these chil- 
dren of rock and roll growing up? 
PLAYBOY: You and your band seem healthy 


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enough. You're doing exactly what you 
want to do; you're successful at it. There 
are no apparent neuroses. 
MELLENCAMP: The only neurosis in this 
band is that we're all afraid that we made 
decisions as teenagers to pursue a career in 
rock and roll—but now we're adults. 
That's the only thing 1 wrestle with: At 
fourteen, | made a decision to do this, and 
now Im thirty-seven and still in it. But 
lately, I've been feeling better even about 
that. I guess, 
PLAYBOY: Back to censorship. Susan Baker, 
the wife of the Secretary of State, wrote an 
essay in Billboard in which she complained 
about ‘Iwo Live Crew, the black rap group 
that has the song We Want Some Pussy. She 
seemed particularly upset that children 
might hear lyrics about having “a big black 
dick.” What would you do if your seven- 
teen-year-old daughter, Michelle, came 
home with that record? 
MELLENCAMP: So what? She's not an idiot 
She knows what things are and what they 
aren't. If she has to learn those things off a 
record, then she's in serious trouble. Par- 
ents who want to shield their children 
ought to think about preparing them for 
the real world. If We Want Some Pussy is 
as bad as it gets, then they're leading a 
charmed life, let me tell you. These women 
into censorship seem to have a lot of time 
on their hands, being married to poli 
cians who arent ever home. T here are a lot 
of people in this country who are home- 
less. There are a lot of people who are 
starving. There arc a lot of people who arc 
out of work. Who cares if Two Live Crew 
wants some pussy? 
PLAYBOY: What would you do if Michelle. 
became interested in bands such as Slayer 
and Venom, which make a big deal out of 
worshiping Satan? 
MELLENCAMP: George Green, the guy I 
write songs with, has a son who plays in a 
band that covers those kinds of songs. N 
is a funny kid: His father likes Simon and 
Garfunkel, so Nick likes a record only. 
ill clear the room of any adults. About six 
months ago, it looked like Nick was going 
too far with the Satanism stuff, so they 
ted me to talk to him. I did, and Nick 
just said, “John, it's an act. It’s just a way to 
get some attention. That's all it 
1 have to believe that the majority of the 
time, that's all it is. Гуе read those weird ac- 
counts of murder and stuff, and I think 
theres a case of a kid saying a record made 
him do something, made him feel like hi 
back was to the wall and, like, he had to fol- 
low through with it. It's like that Dungeons 
and Dragons game. Or other games. I've 
played a lot of games, and never once did 1 
really want to buy Boardwalk. 
PLAYBOY: Dungeons and Dragons 
PM.R.C. hit list as well. 
MELLENCAMP: It’s like they're so bored that 
they cant see any real problems, so they 
make them up. When they find an oddball 
case who is willing to say he did something. 
because of a song, its headlines for them. 
PLAYBOY: When a kid dies or commits sui- 


on the 


cide, don't you think parents need to blame 
it on something? 

MELLENCAMP: Yeah: “It couldn't be my fault, 
so Ozzy Osbourne must have done it.” 
Well, I've met Ozzy, and he's about as 
threatening as a fart in a windstor 
These people—the PM.R.C.—are not 
even worthy of conversation. They don't 
deserve atten 
PLAYBOY: When Elvis Costello signed with 
ner Bros., he found an anti-obscenity 
clause in his contract. Apparently, he was 
told not to worry about it; no one would 
take it seriously. Costello wanted to know 
what would happen if some right-wing 
wacko bought the corporation and he 
wanted to use the word fuck. The climate 
can change for the worse any time, and the 
corporations want all their options open. 
MELLENCAMP: Well, I may have one. I 
signed my contract in 1975, and at the 
time, I was just damn happy to have a 
record deal. There could be one in mine. 
But I've said some pretty disgusting things 
on record. I had an album, Nothing Matlers 
and What if It Did, where I said, “Stick 
your pussy on my face.” Nobody batted an 
eyelash. They sold half a million copies of 
that thing. I must admit, 1 did get some 
mail from parents who were pissed off 
about it. 

PLAYBOY: You've been battling censorship 
since you were a kid. There's a story that 
your mother washed out your mouth with 
soap for saying “fuck.” After which, you 
said, “Fuck you, Mom.” Correct? 
MELLENCAMP. Yeah. I didn't have much rc- 
spect as a kid. 

PLAYBOY: Would you be doing what you're 
doing today if you'd knuckled under? 
MELLENCAMP: No. But there's a lot of kids 
who will say that to their parents. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think there's too much ac- 
quiescence to authority figures? 
MELLENCANP: Yeah, and it goes on through 
our entire lives—in churches, in schools, 
by the Government. And Lalways felt that, 
somehow. I always figured if Mom and 
Dad were mad about it, it must be OK. As 
Jong as the school thinks it’s unacceptable, 
it’s all right—because what authority 
figures think is important is just so far 
from what a teenager thinks is important. 
1 never saw anything wrong with that. 

I was brought up differently from other 
people. My big advice from my grandpa 
was, “If you're going to hit a cocksucker, 
kill him.” Thats the way I was taught. If 
you're going to fight, fight. My daughter 
Michelle lets me know what she's feeling. 
She dont go, “Fuck you. Dad,” but she lets 
me know in no uncertain terms that she's 
unhappy with a grounding I put on her. 
Thats an interesting thing: None of my 
Kids swear. J swear like a drunken sailor. It 
embarrasses my kids when I swear in front 
of their friends. 

“Dad, I've got a new boyfriend coming 
over here. Don't cuss.” 

“I can't talk, then; is that what you're 
saying, Michelle? I know your boyfriend 
swears. Why can't 12" 


se it looks bad for parents to 


swear. 

“OK, | won't say a goddamn word.” 

It’s like smoking. My mom didn't smoke 
My dad didn't smoke. There's five of us 
kids in the family and every one of us, ex- 
cept one, smokes. These things seem to 
leapfrog generations. 

PLAYBOY: What docs Michelle think of your 
Music? 

MELLENCAMP: My wife told me that shes 
gone into her room numerous times to see 
Michelle listening to my latest album. But, 
for some reason, it made my wife sad. 1 
think my wife was implying that I wasn't 
communicating very well with Michelle. 
PLAYBOY: Do you know why? 

MELLENCAMP: Yeah. She skipped a class the 
other day, and I grounded her. I've done a 
lot of crazy things, but skipping school is 
not a good idea. It has a throw-oyer effect 
on the rest of your life. If you skip school, 
you might skip work and not have a job. 
PLAYBOY: You don't believe in taking a 
job—or a school—and shoving 
MELLENCAMP: No. because you've got to 
make a living, man. Thats the hard fact. I 
didn't want to learn, but I did learn, be- 
cause they made me. And now they're pay- 
ing for it. "They taught me how to write, 
and they're paying for it. 

PLAYBOY: How do vou fecl about discipline? 
MELLENCAMP: I took my share of ass beat- 
ings from the old man for things that I did. 
That does not work. You hita kid one time 
10 get his auention, and the second hit is 
for you. The third hit is definitely for you. 
Bang—1 want to talk to you. Bang, bang, 
bang —ivs just to vent your frustration on 
someone who's weaker That does not 
work. And that’s what many schools are 
based on. I dont give a shit how many 
times older people say, “That's the way 1 
was brought up.” It does not work. 

I got paddled once in school when I was 
in sixth grade. Man, that just makes you 
hate so much when they do that. It made 
me hate that guy so much, much more 
than any Ozzy Osbourne record could 
make me hate. I wasnt doing anything. I 
was just trying to burn down the school. 
PLAYBOY: 1 hat's all? 

MELLENCAMP: How can you burn down a 
school when you're in the sixth grade? I 
had three kitchen matches and we were 
trying to set some crayons on fire. Out on 
the playground. The school was made of 
bricks. But I was accused of trying to burn 
it down. Got my ass beaten. But my old 
man rose to the occasion. He was in that 
guys face. And he should have been. 

PLAYBOY: What have you told Michelle 
about drug: 
MELLENCAMP: She knows all about drugs. 
Basically, 1 pointed to a few acquaintances 
who were drug users, and I had her sit 
there and watch. I said, “Just watch this 
guy. He's drunk and this is where it leads 
is is what you want your life to be, 
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PLAYBOY 


52 


about drinking" As of yet, I've not seen 
her come home drunk 
PLAYBOY: Do you drink? 
MELLENCAMP: I haven't drunk whiskey—or 
taken drugs—since 1971 
PLAYBOY: What made you come to that de- 
cision? 
MELLENCAMP: Uncalled-for sarcasm, a bad 
temper and being out of control. It also 
made me sick. I was in college, smoking 
pot on the couch, not going to clas I 
mean, what was I paying this money for? It 
was just a matter of taking a look at the sit- 
uation and saying, “This is not for me.” So 
I just quit. 

Whether this is right or wrong, I see 
drinking as a character flaw. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
MELLENCAMP: Be- 
cause we have the 
ability to control our 
emotions, our 
thoughts, our logic. 
Life is, in my mind, 
a difficult experi- 
ence, and the chal- 
lenge is to rise above 
it. If you have to 
lake up something 
to do that, you've got 
a problem. 1 don't 
see anything wrong 
with a casual drink, 
but don't come 
around to have a 
conversation with 
me if you're drunk. 
I'll make fun of you 
until it’s fucking em- 
barrassing 
PLAYBOY: There 
seems to be a family 
trait that goes back 
to your grandfather. 
The positive side of 
that trait is the ca- 
pacity to fight. for 
what you believe in. 
The negative side, 
which some of your 
relatives have in 
spades, is being re- 
sentful and wanting 
to hit someone in a 
bar 
MELLENCAMP: ‘Two different things. You 
fight for what you believe in because you 
care. You hita guy in a bar because you're 
an asshole. 1 have enabled myself to be in 
the position І want to be in. Why? Because 
I'm lucky? No. I dont believe in luck. 
There's no such thing as luck. I'm here be- 
cause I was determined. I didn't want so 
much to be a rock star as to be my own 
boss. І could have applied this will to some- 
thing else and been just as successful. In 
this country, they try to sell you happiness 
as something cheap and easy to obtain: 
Get married, have a family, be happy. Well, 
getting married is a very hard job. For 
most guys, it's “Hey, baby, get me a beer.” 
And the baby gets him a beer. And he 


around bends. 


drinks it, And he farts, and he snores. But 
that's not real. Particularly in the Eighties. 

Dont laugh, because thats what 1 think. 
I think you've got to come to the core of 
yourself. I think you've got to wrestle every 
demon there is to wrestle, And after twen- 
ty-five or thirty years, what can they do to 
break up that relationship? They're going 
to haye to kill you. Because we'ye been 
through being broke, we've been through 
kids who hated us, we've been through 
payments we couldn't make. Then maybe 
you can say, “Baby, get me a beer.” and 
shell be happy to do it. 

You don't just get out of college and say, 
“Hey, bitch, bring me some food." I know. I 
tried. It don't work, and it's not right. 1 
have a friend who's getting divorced after 


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twelve years because of behavior like that 
His wife figured, “That's the way he is and 
I've got to accept that,” until she met a guy 
at the shopping mall who didn't behave like 
that. That's a pretty typical thing. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think you can spend the 
next thirty-hve years with your wife, 
Vicky? 

MELLENCAMP: Well, if she can stand it, 1 
can. I'm working harder at this marriage 
than anything Гуе ever done. Because 1 
have experienced the other side of it. 
I tried to act like I didn't give a shit when I 
really did. 

PLAYBOY: Musicians and songwriters are 
pretty tough on the women in their lives, 
aren't they? 


MELLENCAMP: 105 the boredom. Vicky al- 
lowed me the space to be bored. When you 
have my job and you dont have an album 
out, the days get very tedious. That's why 
many rock people, especially in the early 
stages, are drug addicts. How do you fill 
your time? "Whos to say the way a man 
should spend his d. —that's where that 
line from Paper and Fire came from. 
PLAYBOY: Would you rank monogamy as 
one of the traditional American virtues 
you believe in? 
MELLENCAMP: Thats fine talk. Fine talk. 
But it's a demon I wrestle with a lot. It’s a 
habit, like quitting being a junkie. Its like, 
“Go ahead. Take off. Take the kids and 
leave. I don't care. 1 don't need you." That's 
big talk. Until they're gone. And you real- 
ize, Wait a minute, 1 
take it back. When 
1 married Vicky, 1 
pretty much felt that 
I could do anything 
l wanted, because 
she really loved me. 
But I couldn't. Over 
the past few years, 
all of those things I 
used to partake in I 
dont want to be 
around or to hear 
about them. If I'm 
exposed to them, it's 
"Satan, get thee be- 
hind me 
PLAYBOY: Let's 
about 
you describe your 
songwriting proc- 
ess? 

MELLENCAMP: Before 
I can create any- 
thing, I've got to be 
real, real bored. I'd 
rather do anything 
in the world than sit 
down and write 
songs—until I start 
doing it. Then I'm 
into it, and 1 write 
every day. But the 
prospect of having 
to sit down and 
write songs—I wont 
write one for months. 
And if I do, 1 don’t take it seriously, be- 
cause l'm not in a writing "head." But 
when I am, it's, like, nonstop. I can't be in- 
terrupted. 1 think, eat and drink songs. 
PLAYBOY: Was the process on Big Daddy the 
same as on your earlier albums? 
MELLENCAMP: No, the last two albums I 
wrote and rewrote. These new songs I 
didnt even commit to paper. I just picked 
up my guitar and played them. There are 
thirty more songs that didn’t get recorded, 
They might be even better than the ones 
on the record; I just happened to remem- 
ber those. Big Daddy was probably more 
fun to make than to listen to. We had a 
great time. We worked from only six until 
midnight, and nobody gave a shit about 


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right or wrong, ‘cause there wasn't any. It 
was what it was. Studio gadgetry kills the 
creative process, so it was mostly live in the 
studio. 

PLAYBOY: Des the fun you had in the 
studio, it sounds as if the different aspects 
of your personality were at war. 
MELLENCAMP: Yeah, I guess I always feared 
I'd grow up to be the enemy, Like the song 
Pop Singer. Y never wanted to be a pop 
singer. I wanted to be a rock singer. There's 
just no room in today’s market. Its all pop. 
"The questions keep coming up: Now that 
I've done everything, why am I such amis- 
erable son of a bitch? What kind of world 
are we living in? I think those are good 
questions after eight years of Reagan. 
“Thank God he went back to California,” 
say in Country Gentleman. He'll be doing 
product endorsements; you watch. 
PLAYBOY: Do you keep a diary to help you 
write your songs? 

MELLENCAMP: No, not really; but if 1 hear a 
line that I like, ГЇЇ write it down. Гуе got 
lines written down that are ten years old. 
When I'm in a writing head, I'll look at 
them to see if there's anything 1 want to 
use. I've got this one line—"If God loved a 
liar, he'd squeeze you to death"—that I 
must have read a hundred thousand times. 
1 just haven't figured out how to work it in- 
to anything yet. 

PLAYBOY: What about the song Jack and Di- 
ane from your American Fool album? The 
meaning of the song seems to change 
when you hear it live. 

MELLENCAMP: 1 he audience made it a real 
song. Before, it was just another story from. 
me that really didn't hold together that 
well as a song. Those people believing it, 
that’s the difference. 

Ifyou believe a song—even a dumb one 
like Chewy, Chewy—people will believe 
you. There have been a lot of bands whose 
material wasnt that great, but they played 
with such conviction that you believed 
them. Jack and Diane was the opposite. It 
had no conviction because I didn't believe 
it. I never wanted to release it. The guys in. 
the band persuaded me to put it on the al- 
bum. The first time I played it, in front of 
maybe a thousand people, in 1982, it was, 
like, wait a minute! It didn't make any dif- 
ference what / thought the song was, be- 
cause it was now something else. A song 
behaves only as it should. 

PLAYBOY; On The Lonesome Jubilee, your 
previous album, you developed that won- 
derful sound—the combination of accor- 
dion and fiddle. 

MELLENCAMP: Yeah. Gothic. Almost a 
cowboy movie. Like the theme song from 
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. It makes 
you feel that way. 

PLAYBOY: What inspired it? 

MELLENCAMP: Basically, we've always used 
accordions, but they were synthesized 
sounds. The way we use the accordion is al- 
most from the gutter. That's what the in- 
strument feels like to me. The idea 
probably came from those early Rod Stew- 
art albums, those old Irish-sounding reed 


accordions. It's almost the same, except 
that Stewart could sing, and I canit. 
The violin was an accident, just a silly 


idea ] had one night in the studio. I wanted. 
to add a country fiddle, so we called up 
Lisa Germano. She played so well that I 
said to myself, "I'm going to hire this girl." 
So I hired her without knowing quite what 
I was going to do with her. 
PLAYBOY: ‘The songs on The Lonesome Ju- 
bilee reminded us of a book called The Pur- 
suit of Loneliness: American Culture at the 
Breaking Point, by a sociologist named 
Philip Slater, His thesis is that we live in a 
pathological culture hell-bent on destroy- 
ing the community and then selling the de- 
sire for it back to us in the form of 
television and other media. 
MELLENCAMP: I haven't read that book, but 
let me tell you a little story. In Seymour, In- 
diana, when I was a kid in the late Fifties, 
on Friday nights everybody went to town. I 
don't give a shit—could be rain, snow, sleet, 
hail—everybody went to town. And there 
wasn't a damn thing you wanted to buy 
People stood in the streets and talked and 
laughed and haw-hawed and hee-heed. I 
saw my friends, my parents saw thei 
friends. It was a teeny town; everybody 
knew everything about everybody. 

You go uptown Friday night now, there's 
a bunch of kids riding around, which is 
fine with me, but you will not see one adult. 
No local merchant is open past six. Go 
down to that strip with all them fuckin’ 
corporate-food signs hanging out and 
you'll see a bunch of isolated individuals, 
depressed, bummed out, eating sandwich- 
es. Maybe they're sitting across the table 
from their wives, but they aren't talking. 
‘That's what it has turned into. We pio- 
neered it. We wanted it that way and we got 
it. You should hear my grandmother talk 
about those times, how things have 
changed in small communities. 
PLAYBOY: There are some fresh winds of 
activism blowing—the Farm Aid concerts, 
for instance. Will we see any more Farm 
Aid benefits? 
MELLENCAMP: 1 doubt it; the reason being 
that awareness can go only so far. Ata cer- 
tain point, the Government has to do 
something. Raising money was never the 
point for me. It wasn't the point for Willie 
[Nelson], either. But he made a mistake at 
the first press conference. They asked him 
how much he wanted to raise, and he said 
some ridiculous figure, so people started 
holding him to it. The reason there were 
three Farm Aids was that Willie set a goal 
in his mind. / never intended to do more 
than onc. People needed to know there was. 
a farm problem, and we reminded them. 
We did it; what's the point in repeating 
ourselves? The second and the third were 
too much, but I did it for Willie. 
PLAYBOY: If benefits aren't going to do the 
job, do you see yourself getting more in 
volved in politics: 
MELLENCAMP: No, because I'm just a song 
and-dance man. You are much more 


qualified than Lam. Why dont you run? 
PLAYBOY: You havc a bigger following. 
MELLENCAMP: We'll give you a guitar, man. 
PLAYBOY: You havent heard us sing. 
MELLENCAMP: Let me ask you a question: 
Have you ever heard my first record? 
Could anything be worse? 

PLAYBOY: It was pretty terrible. And your 
reviews were 


many black musicians—and, to a lesser €x- 
tent, the likes of Bruce Springsteen and 
Billy Joel. Does DeFries collect all your roy- 
alties? 

MELLENCAMP: I get seventy-five percent. He 
gets twenty-five percent. I've negotiated 
over the years to get some control, He lives 


gar, this ridiculous image I've had to beat 
down for ten years, giving interviews in my 
name and saying stupid things | never 
would have said. 

PLAYBOY: We remember the parade he 
staged for you through Seymour. 
MELLENCAMP: Oh, God! Where was my big 
rebellious attitude that time? Me and [gui- 
tarist] Larry Crane 


MELLENCAMP: Bru- 
tal. 

PLAYBOY: The album 
set the tone for the 
next several years, 
didn’t it? 
MELLENCAMP: I'm 
still fighting it. 
There are still peo- 
ple who think that 
John Mellencamp 
should not be mak- 
ing records. Its un- 
hip to accept me as a 
serious songwriter. 
My logical side tells 
me I cant really 
blame them; the al- 
bum was just too sil- 
ly to be believable. 
My emotional side 
says, "Whats wrong 
with you? That was 
fifteen years ago. 
You're going to hang 
a guy for a half 
dozen mistakes he 
made when he was 
only twenty-three 
years old?” I don't 
think theres. been 
another band that 
was down that far 
and came back. 
PLAYBOY: What's 
your old manager 
Tony DeFries doing 
these days? 
MELLENCAMP: He 


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back seat of this 
limo through down- 
town Seymour go- 
ing “Ohhh,” so 
embarrassed I was 
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Larry | thought I 
was just some dumb- 
ass from Indiana; I 
better follow the. 
program; my man- 
ager knows what 
makes rock and roll. 
"Thats why these 
days, 1 h 
time taking orders 
from anybody. 
PLAYBOY: Was the 
parade the low 
point? 
MELLENCAMP: No, 
the low point was 
when the record 
came out ] look 
back and it's so bad. 
it's hilarious. 1 could 
not write a song; I 
was just a guy who 
had sung in bands 
and maybe written a. 
handful of songs to 
entertain friends in 
his apartment I 
produced the album 
myself, never hav- 
ing been in a stu- 
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thing? Including 
what youre writing 
now? 
MELLENCAMP: You 
bet. 

PLAYBOY: You signed 
away your songwrit- 
ing for life? 
MELLENCAMP: | was 
twenty-three years 
old when I signed this paper. "Heres a 
check for fifty thousand dollars,” they said. 
Fm thinking to myself, Fifty grand for my 
songs. Two weeks ago, I couldn't give them 
away. That's the way it's done. You sign it 
and vou spend the rest of your life fighting 
like a son of a bitch to get them back. It's an 
old story 

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PLAYBOY: Has your 
attitude toward the 
record business 
changed since your 
song Cheapshot, in 
1980, in which you 
described its greed. 


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in the house—but he cant paint the walls 
unless I say it's ОК. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you apparently think the ear- 
ly career guidance he gave you was lousy. 
MELLENCAMP: For some reason, there are 
some people I just cannot be shitty with. I 
hate chat about me. I have to admit that 
Tony gave me the chance to make my first 
record, Atthe same time, he fucked up my 
carcer: He gave me the name Johnny Cou- 


and shallowness? 
MELLENCAMP: | don't think we can just nar- 
row it down to the music business. It’s big 
business in general. And my attitude now 
is the same as then: It's us against them. 
though you'r 
a big business yourself? 


ple arent that fortunate 
doesn't come from the money but from the 


PLAYBOY 


work. However meager your job, there has 
10 be some reason youre Even if 
you're only collecting minimum wage, 
you've got to find happiness there, because 
that's the dirty trick that God played on us. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't that the trick the capitalist 
system played on us? 
MELLENCAMP: Thats true; but you know, 
God gave us the ability to think and to 
make decisions for ourselves. We look on 
that as a blessing, but we sure made a mess 
of it. 
PLAYBOY: Describe the Church of 
Nazarene, in which you grew up. 
MELLENCAMP: It’s a bunch of people who 
have narrow views and they all get togeth- 
er and rejoice in being narrow. No danc- 
ing, no wearing make-up, no going to 
movies. ,.. Those people are going to read 
this and get mad. , . . But what are they 
reading this magazine for, ? Right? 
If you go to that church, you got no reason 
to have your nose in this magazine 
PLAYBOY: Why do you wear a cruci 
MELLENCANP: My kid Tedi Jo gave it to me. 
PLAYBOY: Does she go to Sunday school? 
MELLENCAMP: Yep. One of the women who, 
works for us goes to a Pentecostal church. 
On Sunday, I ask, "You kids wanna go to 
church with Gracie today?” They go when 
they want to and they dont when they 
don't. Right now, Tedi Jo likes it a lot. She's 
seyen and she likes all the singing and hol 
lering and amening. Fine with me. I don't 
want to push my will on anybody, as far as 
religion goes. Making them go wouldnt 
make them any more religious. 
PLAYBOY: Do you consider yourself a Chris- 
tia 
MELLENCAMP: Well, no. That would be a 
stretch. But 1 would say I believe in God. 
You got to believe in something, don't you? 
PLAYBOY: Why is there a picture of Jesus on. 
your bass drum, then? 
MELLENCAMP: We need all the help we can 
get up there [laughs]. I just thought it was 
funny to show the picture on the back of 
the album cover—the painting of Jesus 
over the jukebox. You know, Jerry Lec 
Lewis thinks God does not sing Great Balls 
of Fire, but I'm sure that He does. I don't 
know what makes me do that shit. Its not 
really rebellion, Its just something I do. 
PLAYBOY: Onc of thc songs you've done as 
n encore is Plastic Jesus, the tune Paul 
Newman sang in Cool Hand Luke. 
MELLENCAMP: [As Luke] “Stop feeding off 
me!” 


the 


PLAYBOY: 
Luke say 


[As George Kennedy] “My boy 
he can eat fifty eggs, he can eat 


did George call that 
washing the car? “Anything 
that looks se ocent and built like that 
just gotta be named . . . " uh, "Lucille!" 
That's it. One of the greatest movies ever 
made! When it came to Seymour, I sat in 
that audience at the Vondee Theater 
twelve nights in a row. And I've watched it 
a zillion times since. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you think you responded 


girl who w 


to that movie so strongly? 

MELLENCAMP: Because Luke was doing ev- 
erything I wanted to do. 1 wanted to stand 
there and say, “Come and get me, big man.” 
l wanted to have those conversations, I 
wanted to know things were real. I'm also 
thinking of the movie Hud now. I wanted 
people to know I was alive. . ... Now I don't 
care so much. Now I have more feeling for 
other people. But then it was me, me, me 
all the time. 1 wanted to scream the loud- 
est, be the first one there and the last to 
leave. That was my goal in life. 

PLAYBOY: Mellowed or not, you still seem to 
have some of Luke' spirit. In that basket- 
ball game with the stagehands you played 
the other day, you committed murder. 
MELLENCAMP: Sure. I was mad. It goes way 
beyond caring whether I win or lose. It's 
life and death. It's war. I'm not mature 
enough to say, "Fuck it, it's just a basketball 
game.” I just hate defeat. 
PLAYBOY: What is that on your ari 
MELLENCAMP: A tattoo of my wife. Sad to 
say, | owned a tattoo parlor for a while. Big 
mistake. Big mistake. All of us got tattoos 
now, and none of us want them. You get 
around people who are doing it, it seems 
like a good idea. A work of art, right there 
on your body. Then you think if one is 
good, two is better. The whole world be- 
comes a tattoo. I got three of the fuckers 
now. My wife has two. Even my aunt ‘Toots 
got a tattoo, and she's fifty-seven years old. 
She got a tattoo on her leg that says HURTS 
50 GOOD. Swear to God! 

PLAYBOY: You mentioned the movie Hud. 
Hasn't that been the inspiration for a num- 
ber of your songs? 

MELLENCAMP: Yeah. The line “It’s a lonely 
of night” 1 got from a conversation be- 
tween Hud and the boy when they're drive 
ng imo town. Theres a speech the 
grandfather gives about ideals and princi 
ples. Hud asks “Why dont you like 
me?” and the grandfather says, * Cause 
you dont respect nothin! You keep no 
check on your appetites.” That's in the last 
verse of Paper and Fire. 

PLAYBOY: Your regret over not keeping a 
check on your appetites scems an odd sen- 
timent. After all, Hud was the rock-and- 
roll star in that movie, not the grandfather. 
MELLENCAMP: But it's true, and amen to 
that. I burned up my first marriage and 
was approaching burning up my second 
marriage until about two years ago. I had 
to assess my lifestyle and say, "That's it.” 
When you've behaved in a certain way for 
thirty years, it's like a junkie getting off the 
stuff. But my family and kids were more 
important to me than anything. There's 
two John Mellencamps—there's this mon- 
ster like Hud and the family man like the 
grandfather. 1 don't like being on the road 
because of the mor an become. I just 
hope now I ca n my dignity I 
used to think you had to be a miserable 
motherfucker to be successful as a writer. I 
don't think so anymore. Гуе actually been 
happy the past couple of years. and I don't 
want to blow it. 


PLAYBOY: From the stories we've heard 
about your uncle Joe, he sounds a lot like 
Hud. 
MELLENCAMP: When Hud says, “All right, 
T'I bite. What turned ya sour on mcz—not. 
that I give a damn," that was Joc. He didn't 
e a damn. He didn't respect nobody. He 
just cared about himself. As long as he 
could follow his dick around and impose 
his will on people, he was happy: He could 
charm the pants right off you, if he wanted 
to, but he rarely wanted to. He would try to 
humiliate you if he could. He had huge 
arms, and he loved to show his power to 
you, just get them arms in your face. Very 
interesting person. But the most interest- 
ing thing was when Grandpa died. Joe was 
like a new person. Suddenly, it was himself. 
He didn't have any kids or family, He had a 
wife and an illegitimate kid from some girl 
but not a real family. The day he turned to 
me and asked me if I wanted a Coke, I 
thought he'd flipped out. It was an eye 
opener to see a man realize what his life 
had been and be strong enough to come to 
me and apologize for twenty years of being 
a prick. Suddenly, everything was all right. 
And he did that with everyone in the fami- 
ly. He and my dad hadn't spoke for twenty- 
three years, since they had a fistfight in 
their twenties. Then they were best friends 
again. Look at me [points to his eyes]. This 
guy Joe was an asshole to me my entire life, 
but I still get tears thinking about . Fm 
so bummed that he's dead. I hate that he's 
dead. He lived life the way he wanted to. 
He paid for it. Like 1 said in that song Min- 
ules to Memories: “1 do things my way and I 
pay a high price.” That was Joe Mellen- 
camp. No matter how painful his life was, 
he was an artist. 
PLAYBOY: What did he die of ? 
MELLENCAMP: Liver cancer. I visited him 
the day before he died. He looked at me 
and in a low voice, he said, “John, can you 
think of a way to get me out of thi: 
I said, “No, I don't think so, Joe. 
The end of the Joe Mellencamp story is 
that his wife, Rose, who was married to 
him since they were kids, still sleeps with 
his clothes. He's been gone a year and 
a half now, and she can still smell Joe. He 
had a distinct odor. He never used a de- 
odorant. But he didn't have a bad smell. He 
just smelled like Joe. His tobacco is still si 
ting there. His El nino is still sitting 
there. When I'm in Seymour, | go over 
there just to look at his El Camino. 
PLAYBOY: The lines “My whole life, I've 
done what I'm supposed to do/ Now I'd 
like to maybe do something for myself," 
from The Real Life, sound like something. 
out of your notebook. 
MELLENCAMP: They were. My other uncle, 
Jay, said those exact words to me. He's my 
dad's brother, too. There's Joe, Dad and 
Jay. And Jays about forty-five years old 
now. Got m ied when he was seven- 
teen. And he behaved accordingly. They 
had kids, they fought a lot and just 


recently got divorced. Shocked every- 
body because they'd been married so 
long. I about died. 

So Jay came over to Bloomington one 
afternoon and we were talking. | said, 
"What are you going to do?" He didnt 
have a job or anything. He didnt even 
have a house, because his wife had that. 
He said, “I'm gonna do what the hell I 
wanna do." That whole conversation with 
Jackson Jackson in that song, that’s just 
me being a reporter. You can't get any 
more real than that talk we had. I wrote 
it on a napkin and took it home. 

PLAYBOY: A lot of your songs are about 
finding joy in everyday life, doing your 
duty. But didn't your uncle Jay want to 
find his meaning somewhere else? 
MELLENCAMP: Yeah. He never found hap- 
piness in those small things. But in my 
songs, 1 want to show that you can find 
happiness there. The success of paying 
your phone bill, making the last payment 
on your car, raising two daughters who 
are nice girls was not success for Jay. He 
had to sacrifice his happiness for his kids, 
and its a real victory that they turned out 
so great. But I do understand what he 
was saying. He was saying, “OK, god- 
damn it, I've done all that. My kids are 
grown, I'm getting divorced—I'm gonna 
find out what] wanna do.” 

PLAYBOY: Did he find out? 

MELLENCAMP: Yeah. He went back to 
pouring concrete. Thats what he'd done 
all his life. 

PLAYBOY: He worked with your uncle Joe? 
MELLENCAMP: They were partners. He got 
out there and discovered that job hunt- 
ing was very degrading after he'd been 
self-employed for twenty-seven years. 
The first thing they wanted to know was 
why he wasnt pouring concrete any- 
more. With Jay, it was “Fuck, 1 don't wan- 
na talk about that anymore. Are you 
gonna give me the job or noi?" Не went 
through a couple of those experiences 
and decided he could make more money 
pouring concrete. 

PLAYBOY: What about the third brother in 
that triumvirate, your dat 
MELLENCAMP: I hate to say it, but | think 
he was a lot like me. I'm aggressive, he 
was aggressive. We had only one fistfight 
and I lost. I thought, OK, 1 never should 
have done that. He was under a lot of 
strain and pressure at his job. Hed go to 
work twelve hours a day, and he'd come 
home, and the last thing he wanted to 
hear was that 1 had screwed up some- 
where. It was like, “We got five kids in 
this family. Why don't you act like you got 
some sense?” 

In my family, we were all Mellencamps. 
Which at times was a troubling situation. 
If I had something to say, I had to say it 
loud, because I had two brothers and two 
sisters who wanted to say something and 
a father who didn't want to hear any of it. 
We all thought we could show up first, 


stay longer, scream louder. / wouldnt 
want to come home to that. 

If you care about your job and you 
have all these emotions during the day. 
you have to sit in front of the TV for two 
hours to mellow out. Thats your punish- 
ment for doing a good job. You sit there 
and quake for two hours. 

It amazes me about guys who care. Not 
to feel sorry for myself. but 1 was always 
criticized for throwing shit off the stage 
and wheeling my arms around and 
yelling at people, but I didn't do it to get 
attention; 1 did it to make a point about 
the quality of the sound system. If / dont 
care, who will? 

PLAYBOY: In your search for quality, we 
understand you've discovered painting. 
How did a hardheaded Hoosier like 
yourself decide on impressionism? 
MELLENCAMP: Oh, 1 just started painung 
and someone said, “That's an impression- 
isictype painting” So, not knowing 
what the hell it was. ] started looking 
around and discovered Degas and 
Renoir and all those fuckin’ guys—the 
big guys, the Bob Dylans of impression- 
ism, who knew what they were doing. I 
fell in love with the stuff. Irs amazing to 
me that those guys could capture a mo- 
ment on canvas that would last forever. I 
connect to Renoirs On the Terrace as 
much as I do to Like a Rolling Stone or A 
Streetcar Named Desire. Almost makes me 
cry to look at it. 

PLAYBOY: What started you painting? 
MELLENCAMP: My wife wanted to spend 
fifteen thousand dollars on a painung I 
hadn't seen. | said, “You want to spend 
fifteen thousand dollars for a fuckin pic- 
ture? No way. Show me this picture and 
ГЇЇ paint it and save myself fifteen thou- 
sand dollars." So she showed me the pic- 
ture. And being an asshole. | painted it. 
And it didn't look that bad. But fuck how 
it looked; I had fun doing it. At first. I 
was doing one painting every few 
months, then three or four painungs a 
day Now I've got a whole bunch of paint- 
ings and one good one. If you squint 
your eyes. it looks pretty good. Actually, 
the clown’s sleeve looks good. And the 
best thing is, 1 dont have to sell it. 1 dont 
have to learn this in public, like I did with 
songwriting 

PLAYBOY: Whats going on with your 
movie script? 

MELLENCAMP: Nothing. Just a lot of talk. 
Thats how movies are made. You talk for 
several years and then suddenly its on 
HBO. Larry McMurtry rewrote the 
script two or three times. 

PLAYBOY: Have you taken acting lessons? 
MELLENCAMP: No. Nobody taught me how 
to sing. I got to pay some respect to what 
I read about guys like Jackie Gleason and 
W. C. Fields. Their smartass remarks 
make a lot of sense sometimes. “Practice 
is for suckers"—thats what Fields said 
about rehearsing. Gleason never prac- 


ticed, never had an acting dass. 

PLAYBOY: Whats the script about? 
MELLENCAMP: Its about what all Mc- 
Murtry’s stuff is about, really. It's about a 
man coming to terms with what is real in 
his life and what he thought was real. 
And its about coming to the end of your- 
self. McMurtry wrote Hud, remember. 
Not the screenplay but the book, which 
was his college thesis for literature. The 
thing about Hud was that he never came 
to the end of himself. He just said, “This 
is how ] am, and this is how I'm going to 
stay" Today. they would never make a 
movie like that, because his character is 
not sympathetic. Thats a big word in 
Hollywood: sympathetic. They think you 
got to like the guy. Well, you don't. You 
got to identify with him, Identifying is 
not always liking. You know, I see the 
worst of myself in my kids, but I still love 
them. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think people in Holly- 
wood are dense, stupid? 

MELLENCAMP: It’s not that they're stupid, 
its that they're protecting their jobs. It's 
very easy to say no in Hollywood. The 
minute you say yes, you're saying yes to a 
minimum of seven or eight million dol- 
lars. They see a blockbuster like Rocky 
with a sympathetic hero, they want more 
sympathetic heroes. 1 could have made 
this movie three years ago with a major 
studio, but they wanted concert footage. 

We finally found a film company that 
understands that my character is not 
sympatheuc. Theyre willing 10 take a 
chance with that. Bur with me not being 
an actor, theyre having a problem with 
the money. The budget is seven to ten 
million dollars, and this is a small compa- 
ny. We've worked for a year with these 
people, and they may still say no. What- 
ever they do, we'll just keep pushing on it. 
That's the way movies are made. Terms of 
Endearment took mine years. 

PLAYBOY: So you may have to go to Holly 

wood after all> 

MELLENCAMP: Look: A lot of rock guys, 
when they make a movie, they get in 
there and sa’ К. I'm an actor. Shove 
me around.” I’m not going to do that. 1 
have learned my lesson. They aren't go- 
ing to shove me around, I'm going to do 
it my way. and then if it’s fucked, I'll take 
the blame for it. “Sorry you wasted your 
money and I wasted my time.” And thats 
the wav it’s going to be, or it aiz' going to 
be. 

Nobody taught me how to sing, and 
nobody's going to teach me how to act. I 
don't know that the movie will be any 
good. It may turn out like my first album. 
1 dont know: But at the end of the day, 
I'm going to go back and make records. 
Because that's what I do. 1 make records. 
1 tell this to all those people, and for 
some reason, it scares them. 


э 


di 


ya 


oxe or Mike Tyson's earliest memories is of 
being in the hospital in Brooklyn at the age 
Чу godmother brought me 
a toy gun and a doll one day, and I broke 


of three or four: * 


the gun by accident right away, and I start- 
ed to cry. 1 was so pissed off that I pulled the 
dolls head off” 

Tyson told me this story ten days before 
his fight with Michael Spinks in June 1988. 
The memory seemed to exhilarate him. “I re- 
member that scene very clearly,” he said. “I 
folt an immense thrill when I ripped the 
head off the doll. It was like an orgasm.” 

. 


1 knew I was destined to write about 


FIRE 


the demons of 


mean motherfuckers—tigers, fucking 
mean. Mickey Walker, Jack Dempsey, 
how they act tough and be mean bas- 
tards. "You cant turn your back or com- 
plain to the referee because they hit vou 
low or punch you afier the bell,” he used 
to say. 1 wanted 10 be like them: mean. 
savage, vicious. 1 wanted to be like that 
even when I was in the street. I wanted to 
be a mean motherfucker and Kick ass all 
the time. | even used to train to be 
wicked. I used to walk to school and be 
mean, snappy to everybody: 1 knew I had 
to be mean, because if 1 lose, I'm going to 
die, starve to death.” 


Mike Tyson. Not out of any conceit but mike tyson "son found the streets to be a perfect 
because | understand him better than place to practice that meanness. He 
most people. We have a Jot in common, thought of crime as a fitting diversion, 
First, we both grew up poor: he in 3 given the environment he was confront- 
Brooklyn and | in Puerto Rico. Iwenton article By JOSE TORRES аһ, And he understood that crimi- 


10 be a champion buxcı (1 held the light- 

heavyweight title in the Sixues), just as Mike did. I understood 
the toll that celebrity could take on your life and your family. 
And, as chairman of the New York State Athletic Commission, I 
had presided over Tyson's arrival in the top rank among boxers. 

Our strongest bond, though, was that we both had been 
schooled by the extraordinary man and teacher Cus D'Amato, 
who died back in 1985, when Mike was 19. If boxing were a reli- 
gion, offering salvation to so many poor kids like Tyson and me, 
then Cus would be the Pope. Had he not met Cus, Tyson would 
probably be dead or in jail today: 

Td watched this kid from the age of 13 batter whatever 
demons possessed him, leaving groggy opponents in his wake. 
Cus said Tyson would be the youngest heavyweight champion 
ever. As usual, he was right. 

. 

Cus D'Amato loomed large in our discussions of Mike's boy- 
hood. But his advice was filtered through the champ's own vio- 
lent perspective, born of the streets of Brooklyn. 

"Cus used to talk to me about hunger,” Tyson told me once, 
"about being vicious and mean. ‘You've got to be a smart ani- 
mal,’ he said to me. “You've got to know when to strike, when to 
let your adrenaline flow and how to deal with fear." 


"Cus used to talk about the good fighters and how they were 


nal exportisc and knowledge were for 
“the survival of the fetus,” as he put it. With a gang of his child- 
hood friends, he roamed the streets, looking for trouble. He 
paid no mind to the threats and beatings from his mother, 
meant to prevent such things. 

“I just became immune to the beatings,” Mike said. “They 
didn't matter. I wanted to hang out with my friends, because 
those guys would teach me certain ways to rob." 

As his practice of the art of stealing increased, so did his 
chances of getting caught. He claims not to remember when he 
was first arrested. "It happened so many times that I really for- 
got why and where I was arrested for the first time,” he said. 
"But it had to be for stealing. And I had to be around nine, ten.” 

Mike's sister Denise remembers those days well. “The cops 
would wake us up so my mother could go to a police station and 
pick up Michael,” she says. "They came quite often, usually at 
night.” 

“I think I was caught about twenty-five, thirty times," Mike 
told me. 

“Did you ever shoot anybody?" 

"]'ve shot at a lot of people.” 

“A lot of people?" 

“Yeah, | liked to see them run. 1 liked to see them beg." 

“What did they say?" 


ILLUSTRATION BY AARONHICKS 


PLAYBOY 


“Please don't shoot me. I'll do any- 
thing you say’ I'd shoot real close 
to them, skin them or something, 
make them take off their pants and then 
go run in the streets. We used to make 
guys scared and make them steal, make 
them snatch that chain or rob that per- 
son.” 

“And if they didn't do it?” 

“We would kick their asses.” 


б 

Ву the beginning of 1983, Mike had 
begun kicking more asses in the boxing 
ringthan on the street. Cus D'Amato had 
by then taken him in hand and trans- 
planted him to his Catskill, New York, 
training camp, and the manager was so 
certain of the kid's potential that he be- 
gan bringing in $1000-a-week sparring 
partners to give Tyson the opposition he 
needed. 

Even top prize fighters who were hav- 
ing problems getting sparring partners 
began going to Mike's Catskill camp for 
free practice against him. For as long as 
they could take it, that is. Cruiserweight 
champion Carlos De Leon, for one, 
bowed out after two days. "I miss my 
family in Puerto Rico t00 much." he said 

Top heavyweight prospect Carl “The 
Truth” Williams stepped into the ring as 
well, and he told me at the time, “That's а 
boy well have to contend with very, very 
soon.” 

Although his boxing skills were im- 
proving, Tyson was plagued with feelings 
of dislocation and was frustrated by the 
stagnancy of his personal life. “I'm just 
not a good-looking guy" he told Cus dur- 
ing one of their long talks. 

“Mike,” Cus said, “I'm going to have to. 
buy you a baseball bat so you can keep 
away the hordes of women who will be 
begging to be with you.” Cus did buy his 
young prospect a Louisville Slugger, but 
Mike decided early on that there were 
certain kinds of attacks you didn't want 
to fend off. 

That wasnt really a problem to 
D'Amato, who did not subscribe to the 
notion that sex and boxing were incom- 
patible. He taught his fighters that objec- 
tivity, coldness and detachment were 
essential to a professional boxer. If occa- 
sional relief could foster those attitudes, 
so much the better. 

By 1984, Tyson had pretty much cho- 
sen relief over the baseball bat. Women 
by the bunch had begun stampeding in 
his direction. He was barely 18, had a 
name and money and was able and will- 
ing. He seemed cool about his new ma- 
cho-man image. He talked a good game 

“They're all chasing me because of my 
fame and because they think I've got lots 
of money,” he said repeatedly back then. 
“They feel important being with me.” 

“Tyson was a ladies’ man,” said an 
assistant to the Olympic boxing commit- 


tee. “He had girls around him like hun- 
gry Mosquitoes.” 


D 

On November 15, 1986, seven days be- 
fore the World Boxing Council heavy- 
weight championship bout against 
titleholder "Trevor Berbick, [ went to see 
Tyson train at Johnny Toccos Ringside 
Gym in Las Vegas. When he saw me, he 
jumped with happiness and hugged me. 
He'd been under a lot of pressure—this 
was the first match in the Unification 
tournament, the biggest match of his life. 

Tyson was sparring that day, and Jim 
Jacobs, his comanager, wanted my opin- 
ion of his progress. There wasn't much to 
say; he bad no mercy for his sparring 
partners, pounding them as if they were 
enemies bent on killing 

After the workout, Mike and I decided 
to walk from the gym to the Las Vegas 
Hilton, two or three miles away. I'd seen a 
few mistakes in the ring and mentioned 
them as we walked. He said very litde. At 
times, we would stop while I illustrated 
some technical point. Then he changed 
the conversation to his favorite topi 
women. 

“You know something,” he said, “I like 
to hurt women when I make love to 
them.” He stopped, searching my face 
for a reaction. “I like to hear them 
scream with pain, to see them bleed,” he 
said, putting his arm around me. “It 
gives me pleasure.” 

“WL 

Mike shook his head. 
way and 1 don't know wi 

"Well," I said, “did it ever occur to you 
that men who behave that way probably 
hate women, that deep-down, they sim- 
ply don't like them?” 

“You may be right. You're the first per- 
son to tell me that. .. . You know, 
be fucking right. Holy fucking shit!" 

Later, in his hotel room, he laughed 
and gave me a brotherly punch in the 
chest, then kissed me on the cheek. 

“Girls, pussy, butts, women's butts,” he 
said, "that's what I like.” 

There was no shortage of evidence that. 
that was true. A few days before, Tyson 
had been in his car inside a car wash with 
Steve Lott, his assistant, and had pulled 
down his pants. “Look at this,” he'd said, 
revealing patches of dried pus on his un- 
derwear. 

So a week before the Berbick fight for 
the WBC. championship, Tyson had 
needle punctures in his buttocks and an- 
tibiotics in his blood. I'd fought many 
times with peni in my system, most- 
ly because of colds brought on by prefight 
pressures. 1 related my own experiences 
to him. 

“Mike.” I said, “you're also recovering 
from a serious ear infection that was 
treated with antibiotics. That shit could 
do you harm. Do you feel stron; 

"Chegui," he said, using my nickname 


dg nem that 


almost sarcastically, “nothing and no- 
body is going to stop me from winning 
this fucking fight. I refuse. The doctor 
said it would make me weak and I say he's 
full of shit, ‘cause I want that title so bad. 
There is no way I'd give up that title." 

“That's not the point. 

“That's the only point.’ 

“Yes, but when you——' 

“When,” he interrupted, “they raise 
my hand in the ring as the youngest 
heavyweight champion of the world, all 
of you are going to be very proud of me. 
That's the fucking point, my friend.” 

After two rounds, knockout victim 
Trevor Berbick understood that point 
better than anybody 


. 

‘son's next match in the Unification 
tournament would be against James 
“Bonecrusher” Smith on March 7, 1987, 
15 weeks after the Berbick fight. This 
was Tyson's longest gap ever between 
fights, That much free time can be 
dangerous for any 90-vear-old, but espe- 
cially for a well-to-do young heavyweight 
champion. 

It was during this hiatus that Mike told 
me about the night he and his friend 
Rory Holloway had had sex with 24 wom- 
en somewhere near Philadelphia. He 
tried to claborate, but I thought he was 
imagining the entire event and changed 
the subject. 

Later, though, after Mike was married, 
I was intcrvicving him with tape 
recorder running, and Holloway was at 
his side. Tyson was dividing his attention 
between a movie called Super Ninja and 
me. | remembered his story about the 24 
women and asked him about it. 

"There were twenty-four,” he con- 
firmed. “We fucked those bitches in 
Pennsylvania.” 

Holloway jumped up from the end of 
the bed and joined the conversation. 

“They were whores,” he said. “The 
first bunch of girls came and they were 
beautiful. Mike was in his room and I 
was sitting there with one girl. So I 
walked into the room, right? Mike had 
two bitches at one time in bed. He was 
fucking them. No shit, fucking both of 
them. 

“He was fucking the bitch so hard that 
she hit the wall and Mike s ‘I made 
the bitch faint! I made the bitch faint" " 
‘Tyson was listening quietly, watching TV 
and nodding in agreement. 

I turned toward Mike. “Did you have 
an orgasm with each one of them?" 

“Yeah.” 

“You came twenty-four times in one 
night” 

“You know, after a couple of times, you 
just stay hard for a while, and——" 

"He was fucking girls," Holloway inter- 
jected, “like this: ‘Come here, it’s your 
turn. . . . Now its yours. . . . Next!" Then 

(continued on page 70) 


“For someone who's never wind-surfed before—you're pretty good!” 


61 


he french Revolution, which will note its 200th 
birthday on July 14, 1989, was indeed the best 
of times, the worst of times—and if you had a 
name with a title up front, it was time to get out of town. /5 


OFF WITH THEIR 
CLOTHES! 


three cheers to 200 years: playboy pays 
hommage to a revolutionary bicentennial 


64 


HE PEOPLE in Our pictures are, of course, playing decadent aristocrats of the court of Louis XVI, the 18th 
T Century equivalent of today’s rich and famous, with different outfits and much more exciting sex lives 
Marie Antoinette (here portrayed by Marina Baker, Miss March 1987) had the biggest hair in France, 
purchased wholesale from the hunchback in the bell tower of Notre Dame cathedral. Atthe time, nobody in 
France realized that Notre Dame would one day have a great football team. But it was the queen's fateful 
riposte “Let them eat me!” when orgygoers complained of a shortage of female talent that made the merde hit 
the fan. It was an era of the most appalling behavior, but, luckily for civilization, France survived and went 


on to invent naughty underwear, the double-entendre and Napoleon, who gave his name to a heck of a депи. 


istorians have neglected Marie Antoinettes trio of singing cuties, les Fois 
Bébés, who became famous for their version of Louis, Louis. Plans were under 
way for a nationwide tour, but when the girls performed before a lively crowd 
at the Bastille on July 14, 1789, the fans tumed surly. The Bébés escaped with their agent, 
Pierre Ponce, who danced with the Rockettes before becoming a beloved m.c. in Tijuana. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BYRON NEWMAN 


the art of gourmet cooking. At her best fighting weight, Marie her- 
self could heave o side of beef across a crowded solon, though 
here (above), she contents herself with a brioche. The unfortunate target 
(below) gives new meaning to the famous revolutionary phrase sans-culotte. 


(5 he food fight was invented in France long before the French mastered 


which explains why some of the gang fell into bad habits on the party 
circuit (ороме), while the traditional-minded (below) took the usual 
route of wine, Women, song and more women. From there, it was a short 
jump to the opening of the first Club Med ond the Cannes Film Festival. 


Y ex and politics made a lethal mixture for Marie ond her courtly crowd, 


citoyens—imprisoned victims, then herded them into overcrowded tumbrels for their rendezvous 
with the guillotine. Marie pleaded tor mercy ("IF not for me, for my magnificent breasts”), but 
in vain. Clearly, the rebels had already checked out the new statue of Liberté (right). Sorry, Marie. 


© he French Revolution wound down in a violent epidemic of sudden hair loss. The mob—les 


PLAYBOY 


FIRE & FEAR Continued on page 60) 


“ Mikes interest in women as a group has not sub- 
sided one iota. Hes still screwing half of the town.” 


the girls would come to me and I would 
fuck them. We had the house full of. 
bitches. We stayed all day long Fucking, 
from five in the afternoon till one o'clock 
in the morning.” 

Holloway said he invited one of the 
women to go back with him and Tyson to 
Albany She accepted without hesitation. 
“That was the best-looking one of them 
all,” Holloway said. “Mike was driving 
and I was with her in the back seat, fuck- 
ing her. And Mike said, 'Is it good? Is it 
good?” And I said, "This shit is good, 
man.’ Mike said, ‘I'm pulling over, I'm 
pulling over, man. Let me get back 
there.” 

The trip ended at September's, a club 
in Albany that had become one of Tyson's 
favorite hangouts. "A friend came to us 
in the club," Holloway said, "and asked, 
‘Where the fuck are you guys coming 
from, man?’ We just laughed.” 

. 

I visited Mike in his dressing room a 
few minutes before his fight with Bone- 
crusher Smith for the World Boxing As- 
sociation title. I did a little work on bis 
neck and gave him some basic advicc— 
“Keep your hands up, your chin down 
and punch in combinations.” 

Tyson changed the subject. “You 
know" he said, “I saw the most beautiful 
girl in the world on television . . . tall, ele- 
gant. Her name is Robin Givens.” 

“Another one?” 

“Well, I haven't met her yet. .. .” 

Had he finally found someone who 
could help alleviate the tension? Why 
hadn't he mentioned her before, and why 
was he mentioning her now? A few min- 
utes later, Tyson's name was called, we 
embraced for good luck and in a few 
moments, the fight was on. It was a long, 
ugly 12-rounder, more al to sumo 
wrestling than to professional boxing, 
but Mike came away with 2 unanimous 
decision. 

A few days after the Bonecrusher 
fight, Mike called John Horne, a thin. 
handsome actor he'd met in the Albany 
area. Horne was in California audition- 
ing for parts. "I want you to get me in 
touch with Robin Givens," Mike told him. 
"I wanna meet her.” Horne called Givens’ 
publicist, and in a day or two, Mike had 
her telephone number. 

His timing was a little off, however. He 
was scheduled to travel to England to 
promote a possible match against Frank 
Bruno. Mike decided to call Givens from 
London. “When I heard her voice, I hung 
up the phone,” he told me later. “The 


third time I called her, 1 said to myself, 
“What the hell is wrong with me?” 

They talked for nearly an hour. 

“I'm very charming,” Mike explained. 
“1 made her laugh. And I thought, T his 
is my girl. I've got her. Basically, women 
love to talk about themselves. So I spoke 
about her about how much I admired 
her beauty acting, just pouring it on. 
And then she said, ‘Why do you want to. 
meet me? I'm flattered, but I’m sure 
you'll find somebody" I said, ‘Maybe I 
will. You know, 1 didn't want to push the 
issue." 

When Mike got back to his training 
camp in Catskill, he and Holloway made 
arrangements to go to Califcrnia. The. 
day of the flight, Mike withdrew a few 
thousand dollars from the bank and took 
a limousine to the airport. “Everything I 
wore was from Gucci's,” he said. “I want- 
ed to impress her, you know.” 

He blew that right from the start, as 
Tyson and Holloway arrived three hours 
late for dinner with Givens and a group 
of her friends. When Mike arrived, they 
were finishing their dessert. His first im- 
pression: “Holy shit, tiis girl looks 
good." Hc figured that if she'd waited 
three hours, it was “because she wanted 
to meet me bad.” 

At the restaurant, they made small 
talk, and after a while, everyone left, 
leaving the champion and the actress 
alone. 

“We hung out that night and I was a 
complete gentleman,” Mike said. “Then 
the next night, I took her out again.” He 
said Givens had inyited him into her 
house, and after a while, he had gotten 
very tired and had laid his head on her 
lap. “I fell asleep with my head resting on 
her legs—oh, God, she has great legs— 
and I drooled on them. Shit, that was so 
bad. I got nervous. When 1 woke up, I 
tried to cover itup and stick it back in my 
mouth. But you know something? She 
loved it; she thought it was great.” 


D 

When Tyson introduced me to Givens, 
I thought that she was beautiful, deter- 
mined and intelligent and that they were 
enthralled with each other. I was, per- 
haps, the only one in the place who 
thought she was more than just a sexual 
conquest. “This is marriage material,” I 
told Tyson in front of her. I thought that 
she'd force him to settle down, keep his 
Toving eye riveted on her. 

At the end of April, before Tyson and 
his crew left for Las Vegas to fight top 
contender Pinklon Thomas, he and I 


spoke at length about Robin. “Its no 
secret that she knows about the women I 
go out with," he said. “She told me she'd 
seen me on television with a bunch of 
girls. But now she is very possessive.” 

By now, Mike had moved into Steve 
Lott's East Side apartment. No one could 
gauge how he really felt about Robin, but 
judging from the number of young wom- 
en calling him, the young champion was 
still not ready to commit. 

Still, Givens was clearly different. She 
didnt operate like the other girls in 
Mike's life. While most of his women kept 
themselves out of the limelight, Robin 
seemed to enjoy the exposure. And 
Tyson didn't object; I thought it was a 
sign of new and better things to come. 

When I told that to Lott, he laughed. 
“José,” he said, "Mike's interest in women 
asa group has not subsided one iota. He’s 
still screwing half of the town.” 


. 

Just before Mikes fight with Tony 
“Tucker, the final round in the Unification 
tournament, he was at Lott’s Manhattan 
flat. Tyson was apt to show up at the 
apartment any time with young women 
he'd picked up in bars or at parties, even 
though Lott, a bachelor, often had one of 
his own friends there. It didn't matter. To 
Lott, having the champion at his place 
was “an incredible experience.” 

The first night Tyson took Givens to 
the apartment, it was late, and Lott went 
to bed very tired. But around four in the 
morning, Lott recalled, he was awakened 
by a loud noise, followed by a woman's 
screams. Then there was a knock at the 
door. Lott said he put on a robe and left 
his bedroom to see what was going on. 

"Standing at the entrance to the apart- 
ment,” he said, “was the doorman—who 
apparently had been summoned by a 
neighbor. He was asking both Robin and 
Mike if he should get transportation for 
either one of them. Robin was complain- 
ing of being struck by Mike and Mike was 
telling the doorman to calm down and to 
leave.” 

I would later hear another account of 
that night from Tyson himself. Just be- 
fore the Spinks fight, I asked him to tell 
me about the best punch hed ever 
thrown. A broad smile covered his face 
and his answer burst out. “Man, I'll never 
forget that punch. It was when I fought 
with Robin in Steve’s apartment. She re- 
ally offended me and I went bam,” he 
said, throwing a fast backhand into the 
air to illustrate. “She flew backward, hit- 
ting every fucking wall in the apartment. 
That was the best punch I've ever thrown 
in my fucking life. 

“The bitch wanted to call the cops 
from my own fucking telephone. Was she 

(continued on page 122) 


“Why do you have to be such an asshole? The doors open!” 


"great work,” the man 
in the suit said. 

“the robbers 

are outside.” dortmunder 
was confused. he 
thought he 

was the robber 


о 


MANY CROOKS 


"DID YOU HEAR something?’ 
whispered. 

“The wind,” Kelp said 

Dortmunder twisted around in his 
seated position and deliberately shone 
the flashlight in the kneeling Kelp’s eyes. 
“What wind? Мете in a tunnel." 

“There's underground rivers,” Kelp 
said, squinting, "so maybe there's under- 
ground winds. Are you through the wall 
there?" 

“Two more whacks," Dortmunder told 
him. Relenting, he aimed the flashlight 
past Kelp back down the empty tunnel, a 
meandering, messy gullet, most of it less 
than three feet in diameter, wriggling its 
way through rocks and rubble and an- 
cient middens, traversing 40 tough feet 
from the rear of the basement of the out- 
of-business shoe store to the wall of 
the bank on the corner. According to the 
maps Dortmunder had gotten from the 
water department by claiming to be with 
the sewer department, and the maps he'd 
gotten from the sewer department by 
claiming to be with the water depart- 
ment, just the other side of this wall was 
the bank’s main vault. Two more whacks 
and this large, irregular square of con- 
crete that Dortmunder and Kelp had 
been scoring and scratching at for some 
time now would at last fall away onto the 
floor inside, and there would be the 
vault 

Dortmunder gave it a whack. 

Dortmunder gave it another whack. 

The block of concrete fell onto the 


Dortmunder 


floor of the vault. “Oh, thank God,” 
somebody said. 

What? Reluctant but unable to stop 
himself, Dortmunder dropped sledge 
and flashlight and leaned his head 
through the hole in the wall and looked 
around 

It was the vault, all right. And it was 
full of people 

А man in a suit stuck his hand out and. 
grabbed Dortmunders and shook it 
while pulling him through the hole and 
on into the vault. “Great work, Officer,” 
he said. “The robbers are outside.” 

Dortmunder had thought he and Kelp 
were the robbers. "They are?" 

A round-faced woman in pa 


Buster Brown collar said, * 
With machine guns." 


“Machine gun: 

A delivery kid we 
an apron and carrying a flat cardboard 
carton containing four coffees, two de- 
cafsanda tea said. “We all hostages, mon. 
1 gonna get fired 

“How many of you are there?” the man 
in the suit asked, looking past Dortmun- 
der at Kelps nervously smiling face. 

“Just the two,” Dortmunder said, and 
watched helplessly as willing hands 
dragged Kelp through the hole and set 
him on his feet in the vault. It was really 
very full of hostages. 

“I'm Kearney,” the man in the suit said. 
“I'm the bank manager, and I can't tell 
you how glad 1 am to see you.” 

Which was the first time any bank 


fiction 


By DONALD E. WESTLAKE 


ILLUSTRATION BY OANIEL TORRES 


73 


PLAYBOY 


74 


manager had said that to Dortmunder, 
who said, “Uh-huh, uh-huh,” and nod- 
ded, and then said, “I'm, uh, Officer Did- 
dums, and this is Officer, uh, Kelly” 

Kearney, the bank manager, frowned. 
“Diddums, did you say?” 

Dortmunder was furious with himself. 
Why did I call myself Diddums? Well, I 
didn't know I was going to need an alias 
inside a bank vault, did I? Aloud, he said, 
“Uh-huh. Diddums. It's Welsh.” 

“Ah,” said Kearney. Then he frowned 
again and said, "You people aren't even 
armed.” 

“Well, no,” Dortmunder said. “We're 
the, uh, the hostage-rescue team; we 
don't want any shots fired, increase the 
risk for you, uh, civilians." 

“Very shrewd,” Kearney agreed. 

Kelp, his eyes kind of glassy and his 
smile kind of fixed, said, “Well, folks, 
maybe we should leave here now, single 
file, just make your way in an orderly 
fashion through——” 

“They're coming!” hissed a stylish 
woman over by the vault door. 

Everybody moved. It was amazing; ev- 
erybody shifted at once. Some people 
moved to hide the new hole in the wall, 
some people moved to get farther away 
from the vault door and some people 
moved to get behind Dortmunder, who 
suddenly found himself the nearest per- 
son in the vault to that big, round, heavy 
metal door, which was easing massively 
and silently open. 

lt stopped halfway and three men 
came in. They wore black ski masks and 
black leather jackets and black work 
pants and black shoes. They carried Uzi 
submachine guns at high port. Their 
eyes looked cold and hard, and their 
hands fidgeted on the metal of the guns, 
and their feet danced nervously even 
when they were standing still They 
locked as though anything at all might 
make them overreact. 

"Shut up!" one of them yelled, though 
nobodyd been talking He glared 
around at his guests and said, “Gotta 
have somebody to stand out front, see 
can the cops be trusted.” His cyc, as 
Dortmunder had known it would, lit on 
Dortmunder. “You,” he said. 

“Uh-huh,” Dortmunder said. 

"What's your name?" 

Everybody in the vault had already 
heard him say it, so what choice did he 
have? "Diddums," Dortmunder said. 

The robber glared at Dortmunder 
through his ski mask. "Diddums?" 

“It’s Welsh," Dortmunder explained. 

"Ah," the robber said, and nodded. He 
gestured with the Uzi. "Outside, Did- 
dums.” 

Dortmunder stepped forward, glanc- 
ing back over his shoulder at all the peo- 


ple looking at him, knowing every 
goddamn one of them vas glad he wasn't 
him—even Kelp, back there pretending 
to be four feet tall—and then Dortmun- 
der stepped through the vault door, sur- 
rounded by all those nervous maniacs 
with machine guns, and went with them 
down a corridor flanked by desks and 
through a doorway to the main part of 
the bank, which was a mess. 

The time at the moment, as the clock 
high on the wide wall confirmed, was 
5:15 in the afternoon. Everybody who 
worked at the bank should have gone 
home by now; that was the theory Dort- 
munder had been operating from. What 
must have happened was, just before 
closing time at three o'clock (Dortmun- 
der and Kelp being already then in the 
tunnel, working hard, knowing nothing 
of events on the surface of the planet), 
these gaudy showboats had come into the 
bank waving their machine guns around. 

And not just waving them, either. 
Lines of ragged punctures had been 
drawn across the walls and the Lucite up- 
per panel of the tellers’ counter, like con- 
nect-the-dot puzzles. Wastebaskets and a 
potted Ficus had been overturned, but 
fortunately, there were no bodies lying 
around; none Dortmunder could see, 
anyway. The big plate-glass front win- 
dows had been shot out, and two more of 
the black-clad robbers were crouched 
down, one behind the OUR Low LOAN RATES 
poster and the other behind the our HIGH 
IRA RATES poster, staring out at the street, 
from which came the sound of somebody 
talking loudly but indistinctly through a 
bullhorn. 

So what must have happened, they'd 
come in just before three, waving their 
guns, figuring a quick in and out, and 
some brown-nose employee looking for 
advancement triggered the alarm, and 
now they had a stalemate hostage situa- 
tion on their hands; and, of course, ev- 
erybody in the world by now has seen 
Dog Day Afternoon and therefore knows 
that if the police get the drop on a robber 
in circumstances such as these circum- 
stances right here, they'll immediately 
shoot him dead, so now hostage negotia- 
tion is trickier than ever. This isn't what I 
had in mind when I came to the bank, 
Dortmunder thought. 

The boss robber prodded him along 
with the barrel of his Uzi, saying, "What's 
your first name, Diddums?” 

Please dont say Dan, Dortmunder 
begged himself. Please, please, somehow, 
anyhow, manage not to say Dan. His 
mouth opened. “John,” he heard himself 
say, his brain having turned desperately 
in this emergency to that last resort, the 
truth, and he got weak-kneed with relief. 

“OK, John, don't faint on me,” the rob- 


ber said. “This is very simple what you 
got to do here. The cops say they want to 
talk, just talk, nobody gets hurt. Fine. So 
you're gonna step outin frontof the bank 
and see do the cops shoot you.” 

“Ah,” Dortmunder said. 

“No time like the present, huh, John?” 
the robber said, and poked him with the 
Uzi again. 

“That kind of hurts,” Dortmunder 
said. 

“I apologize,” the robber said, hard- 
eyed. "Out" 

One of the other robbers, eyes red with 
strain inside the black ski mask, leaned 
dose to Dortmunder and yelled, “You 
wanna shot in the foot first? You wanna 
crawl out there?” 

“Pm going,” Dortmunder told him. 
"See? Here I go.” 

The first robber, the comparatively 
calm one, said, “You go as far as the side- 
walk, that's all. You take one step off the 
curb, we blow your head off.” 

“Got it, Dortmunder assured him, 
and crunched across broken glass to the 
sagging-open door and looked out. 
Across the street was parked a line of 
buses, police cars, police trucks, all in 
blue and white with red gumdrops on 
top, and behind them moved a seething 
mass of armed cops. "Uh," Dortmunder 
said. Turning back to the comparatively 
calm robber, he said, “You wouldn't hap- 
pen to have a white flag or anything like 
that, would you?” 

The robber pressed the point of the 
Uzi to Dortmunder's side. “Out,” he said. 

“Right,” Dortmunder said. He faced 
front, put his hands way up in the air and 
stepped outside. 

What a lot of attention he got. From be- 
hind all those blue-and-whites on the 
other side of the street, tense faces 
stared. On the rooftops of the red-brick 
tenements, in this neighborhood deep in 
the residential heart of Queens, sharp- 
shooters began to familiarize themselves 
through their telescopic sights with the 
contours of Dortmunders furrowed 
brow. To left and right, the ends of the 
block were sealed off with buses parked 
nose to tail pipe, past which ambulances 
and jumpy white-coated medics could be 
seen. Everywhere, rifles and pistols jit- 
tered in nervous fingers. Adrenaline ran 
in the gutters. 

"Im not with them!” Dortmunder 
shouted, edging across the sidewalk, 
arms upraised, hoping this announce- 
ment wouldn't upset the other bunch of 
armed hysterics behind him. For all he 
knew, they had a problem with rejection. 

However, nothing happened behind 
him, and what happened out front was 
that a bullhorn appeared, resting on a 
police-car roof, and roared at him, “You 
a hostage?" 


(continued on page 104) 


SEE A ее е 
B E $ Р Ө К E 


playboy teams up with the indianapolis colis' star running back, eric 
dickerson, for a winning look at custom-made suits 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 
text by LINDA DYETT 


wien Eric Dickerson goes to work, he 
wears a white polycarbonate helmet. a 
royal-blue jersey and white knee- 
length nylon/Spandex pants above 
white socks and low-cut spatted shoes. 
Asa fashion statement, the look has a 
certain glamor, Dickerson admits, 
though it's really designed to enable 
him to do what he does best—func- 
tion as a fearsome running back for 
the Indianapolis Colts. 

But off the field, Dickerson likes his 
wardrobe to defy expectations and 
counts himself among the growing 
ranks of American men who are dis- 
covering the joys of custom-tailored 
suits. Few of these men have Dicker- 
soris unusual physique, which makes a 


custom-made suit almost essential, 


but all can appreciate the special feel 
and fit. 

The fit factor is crucial, not only because every man's body has its singularities but 
especially because American men today are in better shape than ever before; typical 
standard-sized suits just can't accommodate their fuller chests and trimmer waists. 


True, these suits can be expensive. Good ones generally can't be had for less than 


Above: When you have a body like Eric Dickerson’s, with a 46-inch chest and a 32-inch waist, getting 
fitted in off-the-rack clothes isn't the easiest task. Thats one of the reasons we chose him for this 
feature on the pleasures of owning a custom-made suit. Dur second choice? Danny DeVito, of course. 


75 


$800, and superb suits in luxury fabrics can run upwards of $4000. Most are in the 
$1000-t0-$2500 range—making them an indulgence—but with off-the-rack prices also 
soaring, the custom option is looking more and more reasonable. 

Owning a bespoke wardrobe is part of a 20th Century revolution in menswear that 
began with designer styles—the Armani and Ralph Lauren looks that awakened men to 
the niceties of detail, the fee! of quality, the subtleties of cut and color. 

As men became more sophisticated, off-the-rack clothes began to lose some of 
their appeal. An expert tailor, after all, will provide such items as sleeve but- 
tonholes that actually work (along with properly distanced buttons), fade- 
resistant silk bar tacks to reinforce pocket sides and fly opening, and a 
magnificently cutlining. He, or more likely one of his assistants, will do most 
of the stitching by hand, thereby providing subtle control in joining the 
parts and slack in the thread to allow the fabric 


to expand 
Above left: The pleats on Dick- 
ersons pants are checked by 
extras, such as an assured roll to the lapels, a Rafael Raffaelli, the head tailor 
in Alan Flusser's salon. Below 
left: During the first fitting, 
sculpted shoulder pads and waistline canvas Raffaelli carefully checks out 
Dickersons jacket, making 
needed adjustments on the 
horsehair that gives the suit its foundation. back. At right is the finished 
product, a terrific-looking 
charcoal-gray wool chalk 
that the interlining is glued to the shell, causing stripe double-breasted suit 
with peaked lapels, a six- 
button two-to-button front, a 
so build perfect pitch in the shoulders and per- welt breast pocket, flapped 
fect ba front and ticket pockets, a 
double-vented back, cuffed 
thoughtful, not only will he provide a silk sleeves and double-pleated 
pants, $1195. Its worn with 
а made-to-measure red-and- 
map ош a lining that fits your specific needs — white cotton dress shirt with 
French cuffs, $120, a black- 
and-white silk woven polka- 
lenses, money, jewels or whatever else you like dot tie, S65, a white linen 
pocket square with red edge 
stitching, $18, and French- 
A relationship with a tailor is necessarily inti- lisie socks, $21, all by Alan 
Flusser; plus brown wing-tip 
shoes, by Allen-Edmonds, $200. 


Then there are those other subtle but crucial 


carefully shaped linen undercollar, expertly 


and a complex interlining made of wool and 


(Most off-the-rack models are fused—meaning 


stiffness and blistering.) A master tailor will al- 


lance at all points. And if hes really 


fiower loop on the back of the lapel but he'll 


with special inner packets for glasses or contact 


to carry around unobtrusively 


mate. He has to know what you do, where you 
live (so he can help choose the weight of the 
fabric), how you hail a cab and how you cross 
your legs. He also has to know the flaws of your flesh—where you have fab, 


where you're thin, where you cave in. So before he builds this wonder suit, 


he will measure you. During this intricate, sometimes lengthy process, he 
will notice if you're flat- or barrel-chested, if your wrists are slim or fleshy, if 
your neck is long or short and if it pitches forward or backward. if your waist 
is high or low, if your hips are Ва! or curved and if your calves are straight or thrust back- 
ward. And if you're Eric Dickerson, who has a broad-shouldered 6'2 running machine 
of a body he'd better take separate measurements of your pecs, biceps and glutes—all of 
which need extra fabric. This information goes into creating your own unique paper pat- 
tern, from which the cloth is struck. Of course, there will be fittings that follow the meas- 


urement session—possibly as many as four or more. That's when subtle adjustments are 


made and the suit gets sculpted around the body. (It's advisable, by the way, to wear your 


usual shoes to the fittings and to include your wallet, keys, cards, address book and every- 
thing else you stow in your pockets.) 

The tailor's other task, in addition to fitting, is to design the suit. This is where 
things can get complicated. During the Thirties, the heyday of tailor-made suits, cus- 
tomers were expected to know exactly what sort of look they wanted. Usually, they found 
out by studying the dress of style arbiters such as the Duke of Windsor, Cary Grant or 
Fred Astaire. So they were able to dictate the terms—peaked or notched lapels, a fitted, 
boxy or draped jacket, a rectangular or trapezoidal button stance, forward 
or backward trouser pleats, and so forth. They also instinctively knew 
whether they should go double- or single-breasted. Today, most men aren't 
trained to know which style or details to request. They either try their luck 
and ask for a copy of this year’s Cerruti model or seek out a tailor who has 
his own well-developed style 


When Playboy decided to custom-suit Eric 

Above left Adjustments on 
Dickerson's sleeve lengths are 
about 100 tailors offer a wide variety of styles— made personally by Piero Di. 
mitri, the New York custom tai- 
lor who has a sleek studio in 


Dickerson, wc scnt him to New York, where 


everything from Ivy League to boxy nco- 


78 


nerd—though the looks of favor are the 
Eighties Italian style (cut a good deal more fully 
than the skintight Italian power suit of the Sev- 
enties) and the businesslike but ultracomfort- 
able English-gentleman model. To depict the 
contrasts, both styles were ordered. 

The Italian model comes from Piero Dimitri. 
a consummate maestro who apprenticed at 13 
years of age in Palermo and at 19 opened his 
own shop in Milan. Today Dimitri's a celebrity 
couturier with a Carrera-marble neo-deco and 
contemporary studio in the Soho district of 
Manhattan, complete with café and upstairs 
Jacuzzi'd apartment for out-of-town clients. He 
also has a flair for fashion, preferring a fullish 
wide-shouldered cut that's sleek and Continen: 
talized with a hint of casual California styling. 


"The suit he designed for Dickerson is cut in a 


the Soho district and a soon- 
to-open boutique in the Man- 
hattan Bloomingdale's store. 
Below left: What does a cus- 
tom tailor ask a football star 
with shoulders almost as wide 
as Fifth Avenue? How the jack- 
et fits, of course. The answer is 
perfectly, as shown at right 
land whos going to arque?): 
Dickerson's ensemble includes 
а black-and-white bird's-eye- 
patterned wool double-breast- 
ed suit with peaked lapels, a 
six-button one-to-button front, 
a welt breast pocket, besom 
front pockets, a ventless back 
and triple-pleated pants, $2100, 
worn with a blue-and-white- 
striped cotton dress shirt with 
a modified spread collar, $160, 
a blue-and-red silk printed tie, 
$65, and a white-linen pocket 
square, $75, all by Piero Dimi 


silky, spring-weight black-and-white bird's-eye-patterned woolen that's per- 


fect for the Los Angeles life Dickerson leads when the Colts are off sea 


on 
It's a double-breasted business model, which Dimitri says also works as “an 
afternoon cocktail suit that goes on to dinner and afterward." It has a six- 
button closure built onto a low button stance, besom (flapless) pockets and 


no vents. Vents, by the way, are a touchy issue. Although most men prefer them, a jacket 


without them should have adequate fullness—otherwise, it will be too tight to sit in. Di- 
mitri builds in fullness with fairly wide shoulders and consequent ease in the chest and 
the back, To continue the generous line, he makes the pants full, with three reverse pleats 
on each side. 


This is the style Dimitri currently favors, but it's also, he says, “the perfect look for 


an athlete with a ten-inch drop between his chest and (text concluded on page 148) 


Eres the cheerful history of 
mankind on a personal scale: 
the big bang, toilet training, 
cowboys and Indians, little 
league, body hair, work and girls. Then 
you discover the facts behind religion. 
The mileposts of our lives pass, for the 
most part, without much notice, But be- 
tween girls and death, there's a world of 
trouble. This passage is the subject of 
great reflection by most men, and rightly 
so. If life is a carnival, love is a house of 
mirrors. There are mirrors here to make 
you look fat and mirrors to make you 
look small and someplace a mirror to tell 
you that you aren't alone, that suddenly 
there's somebody else in the picture—a 
woman. First you sce her here, then you 
sec her there. Then, one day, you see her 
everywhere—reflected in the bathroom 
mirror, the paraphernalia of her gender 
claiming all your counter and closet 
space. Where once you were a bachelor, 
now youre not. A woman moved in. She 
is Germany, you are Poland. 
Now youre caught in a situation that 
will lead. step by step, to a happy ending. 
Or to hell. 


HOW SHE COT THERE. 


Cohabitation is not an act of God. Like 
LEDs and Lancias and many other 
things that we find auractive but that do 
not occur in nature, cohabitation is a 
phenomenon of our own invention. 
Hence, in viewing the intricacies of live- 
in love, there are two things you should 
always keep in mind: 

1. Women are hallucinogenic: For men, 
crippled with an inability to see past the 
love that beats in their briefs, reality in 
romance is highly elusive. When you 
meet a more or less appropriate woman, 
you look at her and say to yourself, “This 
is the girl for me." You forget that you're 
considering the amazing length of her 
leg. the waspish tuck of her waist. the 
cleavage that looks like the entrance to a 
major recreation area. To you, these hold. 
the promise of home comforts or boon 
companionship or decent breeding stock. 
You think its the real thing—something 
so real, in fact. you just have to go to bed 
with it. So while you were saying, "This is 
the girl for me.” what you really meant 
was. “Nice girl, see you around, bye." 
When women say mcn are jerks, some- 
times they're right. 

2. Women play for keeps: Women, on the 
other hand, doni fool around. They 
know that the presentation tape most 
men play to reveal the story of their lives 
runs eight hours or so. An interested 
woman will wait patiently through this 
gaseous epicand watch closely and some- 
times listen. During this moment out of 
time, while the guys tedious life story is 
going full tik, women—then and there— 
decide whether they're serious or not. If 
they're serious, they go to bed with the 


VA 


lo 
LIVING 


a А 


МОМЕМ 


artide By DENIS BOYLES 


in the battle for domestic 
bliss, men are rank recruits. 
welcome to boot camp 


guy; if they're not, they still may go to 
bed with the guy but will wonder why. 
Because if they're serious, the first date is 
the start of a much longer adventure. 

So while, for a man, the entire episode 
may come to a close before breakfast, for 
a woman, it’s just beginning. 


SHE'S AN EXPERT 


She knows something you don't. In ad- 
dition to the natural inclinations and in- 
stinctive skills provided in the Maker's 
gender-option kit, your new significant 
other has surrounded herself with the 
lore of relationships since the first bloom 
of her sentience. Most of what she reads, 
sees on TV, talks with her friends 
about—in fact, much of what she feels 
and thinks—impinges to one degree or 
another on her relationships with others. 
She is much more aware than you are of 


ILLUSTRATION BY MICHEL GUINE VAKA 


the subtleties of romances and friend- 
ships. Moreover, she has lived a life se- 
cure in the infallible belief that sooner or 
later, she will be involved in a committed 
relationship, probably the wedded sort. 
"This is not to say that women are out to 
trap men into marriage or anything like 
that, Its just that a reliable relationship is 
part of the context of her future, some- 
thing she expects for herself. 

You, meanwhile, have been toying with 
the implications of upper-body strength 
and the heretical rules of American 
League baseball and the laws that govern 
the DNA-like helixes of carcer paths. 

The result: At relationships, she's an 
expert and you're an amateur. And thus 
it will always be. Sure, as a man about 
town, you may havea way with babes, but 
once you start cooking off the same gas 
meter, you're a raw recruit, a buck pri- 
vate, a stupid conscript in a two-man 
popular front for domestic bliss. 


WHEN TO SHARE REAL ESTATE. 


Once upon a time, you could get a girl 
то go steady by giving her a large, cheap 
Mexican ring, something lionlike with a 
red rhinestone in one eve. She'd wrap it 
in Angora and wearit around her neck to 
show the world she was yours, by heck. 
No more. These days, serious dating is a 
form of temporary matrimony: 

If you're deeply in love with the incred- 
ible mother of vour unborn child, cohabi- 
tation is likely to seem a logical move, and 
nothing anybody can say will sway you 
Sometimes, though, you may find your- 
self involved with some woman who, 
while possessing appreciable traits, falls 
somewhat shy of dream-girl status. How 
do you know when to make the move? 
And what should you watch out for? 

* Don't move in with her for any practical 
reason. Don't, for example, move in with a 
woman you're dating because her apart- 
ment is closer to work or because your 
lease is expiring. And, conversely 

+ Don't shelter the homeless. Don't allow 
her to move into your digs because she 
has no other place to go. Avoid a situation 
in which cohabitation is simply a way to 
avoid a passing hassle. Eventually, you'll 
reap lots more trouble than you bar- 
gained for. 

«Dont move out m order to move m. 
Keep your flanks clear for a quick re- 
treat. Cohabitation, after all, has many of 
the characteristics of marriage, and in 
some cities—New York, for example, 
where a long-term lease has more value 
than a short-term romance—its far eas- 
ier to find a divorce lawyer than a new 
apartment. It follows, then, that . . . 

= If possible, make u your place instead of 
hers. Children can create an exception to 
this rule, however. If she has kids and she 
is well settled, don't invite turmoil by up- 
rooting her family. 

* Don't invite (continued on page 84) 


tasty trendy concoctions from 
the hottest new bars around 


drink By EMANUEL GREENBERG 
HAVE YOU TRIED Sex on the Beach lately? 
Maybe you've felt like an Absolut Wreck 
or examined a Fuzzy Navel. No? Well, 
then, fasten your seat belt and get set 
for an adventure in tastemanship, be- 
cause all the foregoing are mixed 
drinks, and theres a lot more where 
they come from—new-era clubs, cafés, 
pubs, discos, sports bars and similar 
temples of gusto. Many are the handi- 
work of talented young bartenders, 
counterparts of the innovative chefs 
who are revolutionizing our restaurants 
from Manhattan to Venice, California. 
Clubhoppers in Manhattan, of 
course. are always “playing” the what's- 
hot-and-what’s-not game. Recently, the 
Palladium (continued on page 148) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO. 


PIL Altes ЕСУ Y 


B4 


LIVING 10: WOMEN (continued fron page 80) 


“When you.dated her, did you stand up like a gentle- 
man when she approached? Then on your feet, Buster.” 


failure. Examine the financial and emo- 
tional costs of cohabitation. Romance can 
cloud clear thought; don’t assume that ev- 
erything will work out if the two of you 
canonly be together: In fact, nothing will 
work out without great effort, and new 
problems will occur without warning. 

+ Don't fight over decor. No matter who 
moves in with whom, if the look of where 
you live is important to you, keep one 
room—even a common room, such as a 
dining room or a bedroom—to yourself. 
Don't expect more than one room, how 
ever, as women tend to become house- 
hold imperialists, colonizing every room 
as a matter of right. 


HOUSE RULES 


The rules you live by as an unmarried 
couple can differ substantially from 
those you might follow if you were mar- 
ried. For example, if you marry a wom- 
an, you may decide you have an 
obligation to support her in domestic 
splendor if she chooses not to work. But if 
you're living with someone who is, per- 
haps, only along-running date, decide in 
advance who pays for what and who does 
what. Put itin writing. 

No mauer what the nature of your en- 
tanglement, though, some rules are al- 
ways in order—commonplace stuff, 
really, such as conventional etiquette and 
all that. Remember, even if she moves in- 
to your place, its her home, too, and 
you're intruding on her as much as she's 
intruding on you. 


WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SOCKS. 


We'll assume here that you have be- 
come involyed with a woman, and she has 
decided to become involved with your 
real estate, rather than the other way 
around. With that in mind, we can look 
at a few of the changes that take place 
when you allow women into your cage. 

* How to find your socks: They're in the 
drawer, where she thinks they're sup- 
posed to be. You may have had them in a 
drawer already, but it wasn't the right 
drawer. Only she knows which drawer is 
the right drawer, and it's never the one 
you think is the right drawer. 

Dont take it personally The order 
you've imposed on your corner of the 
cosmos is not the same as the order she 
wants to impose on it. So pots and socks 
move around; a chair appears; a cat 
comes or goes; the bathroom, once a 
chapel of quiet contemplation, becomes a 
temple of superficial maintenance, 
crowded with lotions and creams. Sud- 


denly, you will find you own Q-tips. 

* Womens favorite topics of conversation: 
Sit up straight. Mind your manners, 
Don't stay out late. Eat this. Stop smoking 
that. When will you grow up? 

= Long-distance conversations: Women 
prefer conducting conversations while 
Occupying a room other than the one you 
occupy When you hear your name 
called, you will be expected to stop doing 
whatever youre doing, walk into the 
room in which she is sitting, listen to her 
and respond. You will then be free to go 
back to whatever you were doing. 

Affecting deafness has been known to 
cure this long-distance bellowing. 

* Mom talk: From ume to time, the 
woman with whom you are living will ad- 
dress you in sharp and condescending 
tones, similar to those used by women 
newscasters and by moms when they wish 
to bring unruly ten-year-olds back into 
line. This has less to do with you person- 
ally than it does with women’s lifelong 
mission to keep the male of the species 
from going astray. 


WHAT NAKES WOMEN REALLY MAD 


Women are burdened with the unshak- 
able suspicion that deep down we're all 
bad boys. This conviction explains much 
female behavior and, consequently, can 
help us gain a little self-knowledge. 

For instance, we are conditioned to as- 
sume the worst about ourselves. Most of 
us lived with Mom for a while, so we all 
know what's number one on our agenda: 
Do anything you can to stay out of trou- 
ble. That doesn't mean you can't get into 
trouble, cause trouble, laugh at trouble or 
say that trouble is your middle name. Just 
don't get caught. Staying out of trouble 
means you don't get yelled at or put on 
probation or sent to your room—or, 
worse, to a motel room. 

Mostly, the things that cause women to 
get mad at men are things that probably 
didn't or wouldn't take place but might. 
Men know this and it makes them feel 
guilty—even when they havent really 
done anything. As a consequence, men 
have given women the moral edge and 
must, if they want to avoid conflict, act in 
such a way as to not cause suspicion. 
Phone home frequently. Avoid unex- 
plained absences. Don't change your 
socks twice in one day. Remember: You 
can trigger an argument simply by vary- 
ing your daily routine. Sometimes its 
worth the fight. 


ANGER ANDGUILT 


Women can get mad just thinking 
about how bad men are. This anger has 
social implications, and it can also have 
personal ones. 

To successfully live with a woman, you 
must meet her expectations of your guilt 
without exceeding them, If you are in- 
sufficiently guilty, you will be suspect. If 
you are exceptionally guilty, you will be 
condemned. 

Presumed guilty: In family court, men 
are presumed guilty—even by other 
men—and women are presumed inno- 
cent, especially by other women. In fact, 
one of the reasons men try hard to stay 
out of trouble is that they themselves pre- 
sume they must be guilty. Why else would 
women be yelling at them all the time? 
This presumption of guilt is what makes 
judges toss the jerks who don't pay their 
child support into the dink for contempt, 
while turning a blind eye to the women 
who deny court-ordered visitation rights. 


JUST DOIT 


It is essential that you conduct your 
daily life without explanation or apology. 
Assuming that you are trying your best 
to live up to your commiunents and 
responsibilities, you are right to react an- 
grily to constant demands for explana- 
tions. Occasionally, women will mask 
these demands as a request for “commu- 
nication,” but дог be fooled. 


LUBRICATION 


Are we not men? Do we not have an in- 
stinctive understanding of the physics of 
machinery? Can we not, given sufficient 
time, figure out how almost anything 
works? 

As it is with VCRs, so it is with mar- 
riages and other varieties of life with 
women. Look at the parts: Lets see, 
there's you. And theres her. And there's 
a shared dwelling. Three parts, only two 
of them movable. In theory, a live-in rela- 
tionship should be a masterpiece of mod- 
ern technology: 

But no. First off, theres the entire 
world of maintenance. Remember how 
well the machine ran when it was new? 
One reason for that was proper lubrica- 
tion. And almost anybody can tell you 
that courtesy and good manners are the 
civilizing ointments a live-in romance 
needs. Did you buy her flowers before she 
moved in? Then you can't let up. When 
you dated her, did you stand up like a 
gentleman when she approached the 
table? Then on your feet, Buster. If you 
courted her before you won her, you 
must continue to court her after you've 
won her She is, after all, your girl- 
friend, even if you marry her and she 
hangs around for a lifetime. And good 
manners are as important in private as 
they are in public. 

(contmued on page 140) 


TAHAT S 


miss august, whose surname means “love,” 
has a passion for life 


EMININITY has nothing to do with what vou wear or dont wear." savs 
Gianna Amore. “Its a state of mind.” Femininity comes as naturally to 
Miss August as does the lust for life she inherited from her Mediter- 
ranean ancestors. She grew up in a "super-Italian" household, taking 
femininity lessons from six older sisters. “I was the baby, the li'l prize.” When 
her sisters took her aside to explain the nuts and bolts of the birds and the 
bees, she recalls, “I cried. It seemed awful.” Gianna recovered. She soon 
learned to like bemg looked at by men, many of whom think of birds, bees, 
nuts and bolts the moment they see her. “1 blossomed.” she says. Gianna 
chafed at the discipline demanded of students at her Narragansett, Rhode 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


Rhode Island—born, Italian-bred Gian- 
na fled Narragansett for Melbourne, 
Florida, where the climate matched 
her disposition. She was quickly spot- 
ted by talent scouts; her modeling ca- 
reer began in Florida newspaper ads 
and led her to Los Angeles, where she 
revels in sun, sand and the pursuit of 
an allover tan. She recently tried the 
even hotter beaches of the Virgin Is- 
lands, where Miss August became a 
local sensation. On the passionate 
sands of the British Virgin Islands 
(here and at the top of the facing 
page), Gianna shows off the form that 
won her a role in the movie Screwball 
Hotel. At the center of the facing page, 
she shows off the essence of natu- 
ral beauty—symmetry—before enter- 
taining a few of her admirers (bottom 
right) in the beach bar at the White 
Bay Sandcastle Hotel, Jost Van Dyke. 


Island, Catholic junior high. "They had a lot 
of silly rules. Having fun was wrong. I once 
got suspended for wearing the wrong-color 
pants.” After high school, she fied South to 
Florida, where the climate better suited her 
Italian blood. She tended bar in a jai-alai 
frontón by night and played on the beach by 
day but soon felt “stifled. I didn't want to 
spend my life as a bartender.” A modeling 
firm offered a seven-day trip to the West 
Coast. On the first day, she gawked. “They 
put me up at the Century Plaza, where the 
Reagans stay" she recalls. In no time, Gian- 
na loved L.A. “I was born to be an actress,” 


she says, sitting at a sidewalk table, watching 
the stream of Benzes and BMWs on Sunset 
Boulevard, "and nows my chance.” She ap- 
pears in Universal's Screwball Hotel (“A 
painless but overly familiar sex comedy"— 
Variety), typecast as a beach beauty, “and 
hopes subsequent roles will feature her in- 
ner talents, A beach beauty who writes poet- 
ry while listening to classical music, Gianna 
is ready to blossom as an actress. No Streep 
yet but a starlet on the rise, she signs auto- 
graphs for sharp-eyed speculators. Savvy 
Angeleno autograph hunters obviously rec- 
ognize a good thing when: they see one. 


30 


“My sister Bethany is five years older than 1 am,” Gianna says. “When we were kids, 1 was her 
secretary. had to go up and talk to the boys she wanted to go out with.” Gianna, her sisters’ “li 
prize,” has graduated from secretary to sex symbol. Less than a year ago, new in town, she 
showed up at Playboy's West Coast offices in search of a modeling assignment. “I never thought 


of myself as a Playmate of the Month—Playmates are gorgeous,” she says. “But while I was sign- 
ing in at the front desk, [photographer] Kim Mizuno took one look and said, ‘You should be a 
Playmate.’ | guess he was right.” Bethanys old boyfriends will most definitely be impressed. 


Although she never dreamed of being a Playmate, Gianna relished the role when it 
came her way. “1 had never felt so sexy before. It's a wonderful feeling,’ she says. 


Her strict Catholic schooling, Gianna says, made her a late bloomer. “There were rumors at school," she 
says. dark eyes agleam. “You know what they say about some girls, that they re ‘fast? 1 remember my 
aunt Margie going to my mom and telling her there were rumors going around about me—that 1 was 
slow! Mom liked that.” Making up for her late start, Gianna became a passionate woman. “Growing up 
in a small town, a little sheltered, 1 didn’t have an outlet for my passion,” she says. “Now I feel beautiful, 
verv sexy, excited—I want to show everyone what I'm capable of.” Мете glad to be of assistance. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


ruc: Маала Am aeo 

BUS. D2 Y waist: RÁ ures: BA _ 

HEIGHT: A 1" увіснг: MO _ 

BIRTH DATE; 4- ©- бо% BIRTHPLACE: Ulomnuxc A , В.Е. 

AMBITIONS: E was born an actress, I think X owe 
Ab to myself and In the worlel To pursue acting . 
TURN-ONS: Jaguars, couicay оће, music, Shopping, 

-diamonds and тае IO 

TURN-OFFS: _Aların clocks, litera: 

MY muste: Kack and vali, lave songs, disco, Nun Wave, 


Classical. 


LINES I HATE: 


ea 
Hang you want”; Da ya lis, gos noose? When 
are you mowing in?” ub E 
: ative 1 к: LÛ oet Here's: man Ho you Jhan beauty. 
IDEAL wa: Ме is 25-25, Sexy, yery SuccessTulu] 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


‚Alter several private tutorial meetings, the an- 
thropology instructor invited the struggling stu- 
dent to his house to view his personal collection 
of artifacts. 

As they entered his living room, the young 
woman began giggling. Pointing to an object on 
the mantel, she asked, 

“Actually,” he expla 5 a phallic symbol 
he Australian aborigines in their fertili- 


Td hate to tell 


The news from publishing circles is that Salman 
Rushdie will follow The Satanic Verses with Bud- 
dha, You Fat Fuck. 


A New Yorker taking a drive in the country hap- 
pened upon a farmer feeding his pigs in a most 
extraordinary manner, The farmer would 

pig in his arms, hold it up to the branches of a 
tree and wait while the animal ate an apple. He 
would then move the pig from one apple to an- 
other unul it was 1. 

"The city man watched this procedu 
time, then finally said to the farmer, “This seems 
an inefficient way of feeding your pigs. Why don’t 
you simply shake the apples off ise eec ander 
the pigs eat them from the ground? That would 
sure save a lot of time.” 

The farmer looked puzzle 
and replied, “Whats time to a pi 


then shrugged 


What did John Tower drink after his rejection as 
President Bush's Secretary of Defense? A thou- 
sand pints of Lite. 


ad Brown finally settled on а demure- 
aghter after spending years 
searching for the ideal woman to serve as his 
wife. 

On his wedding night, the cleric finished un- 
dressing in the bathroom and walked into the 
bedroom. He was surprised to see that his bride 
had already slipped between the sheets. 

“My dear,” he said, “1 thought you would be on 
your knees first.” 

“Oh, I can do it that way, too, 
it gives me the hiccups.” 


he replied, “but 


With her marital difficultics now public, Holly- 
wood wags are wondering if Jane Fonda's next 
video will be called Didn't Workout. 


A Middle Eastern potentate visiting the US. for 
the first time was attending a State Department 
dinner, Being unused to the salt in American 
foods, he continually sent his manservant, Ab- 
dul, to fetch him a glass of water. After several 
trips, Abdul returned empty-handed. 

“Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, 
where is my water?” the grand emir demanded. 
Ten thousand pardons, [lustri One,” 
stammered the wretched servant, “but white 
man sit on well.” 


Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He 
doesnt believe in doG. 


Alter six years of trying to start a family, a cou- 
ple was finally blessed with the birth of its first 
child. The wife told her husband to put an an- 
nouncement in the local paper. When he re- 
turned from the newspaper office, she asked him 
what details he had included. “Just the name, ad- 
dress and date,” he said. 

“How much did it cost? 


so much?" the stunned woman ex- 
claimed. 

“Well, after 1 wrote out the announcement, the 
clerk asked me how many insertions, and I said 
four times a week for six years.” 


What did Mickey Mouse get for his birthday? A 
Dan Quayle watch. 


A hunter, napping in his tree blind, was awak- 
ened by a gunshot. Looking down, he saw that 
his campsite neighbor had bagged a be: his 
astonishment, his neighbor dropped his pants 
and began fucking the animal. 

"Oooocce!" the observer bellowed. “Wait'll the 
guys back at camp hear about this, you pervert.” 

The other hunter calmly cocked his rifle, took 
aim at the one in the tree and asked, "You ever 
fuck a bear?” 

“Ah, no. But,” he quickly added, “I've always 
wanted t0." 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
Playboy Bldg, 919 N. Michigan Ave, Chicago, 
ML 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Cucumber Man!” 


99 


CASE HISTORY 


to be right in step, walk softly 
and carry a great-looking tote 


ноос an attaché is like pur- 
chasing a fine piece of luggag: 
First and foremost, it must 
constructed well. It should also 
reflect the personality of its own- 
er. Case in point: Why tote a non- 
descript box when you can break ranks 
and opt for a metal attaché that's as 
sleek as the Concorde, or a leather 
portfolio richer and more supple than 
most leather coats? When it comes 
to attaches, the case is never closed. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


MENS SUITS BY BIGSBY & KRUTHERS. 
SCHAUNBURG, ILLINOIS 


Left to right: Soft briefcose of Euro- 
pear calfskin, by Porsche Design, 
Los Angeles, $850. The second case 
is а real grobber—irs a Wendy 
Stevens—designed perforated-nickel/ 
silver model nomed The Portfolio, 
from Lewis Dolin, New York, $440. 
Americon black-cherrywoud atto- 
ché with o sueded pigskin lining, by 
H. Gerstner & Sons, Doyton, Ohio, 
$395. (Optional custom carving is 
available for about $250.) The Front 
Runner, on elegant ottaché of dork- 
brown calfskin, comes fined in 
hunter-green moroccan leather, from 
Mork Cross, Chicago, $800. For 
poranoid biggies, a bulletproof Ger- 
mon-mode leather ottoché, from 
T. Anthony, New York, $2450. 


essay By PATRICK ANDERSON 


ABOUT A YEAR AGO, after more than two decades 
of marriage, I found myself a single man again. 

“Don't make any decisions for at least eight- 
een months,” cautioned a friend who'd been 
through the process. "You don't know it, but 
you're a crazy man." 

Good advice, perhaps, but I made one imme- 
diate decision: I wanted women in my life. 

1 soon encountered good news and bad. 

The good news was that there were wonder- 
ful women out there who welcomed me into 
their lives. 

The bad news was that when I first went to 
bed with them, I all too often failed to reach an 
erection. 

A horrid fate, wouldn't you say? Shameful? 
Humiliating? Grounds for suicide? 

Not really. Looking back now, 1 see the prob- 
lem as a blessing in disguise. 

That wasn't how I felt at first, of course. Ago- 
nized, 1 examined my sexual past for clues to 
the horrid present. Whatever the problems of 
my marriage, sex had not been one of them. 
True, I'd sometimes performed erratically with 
other women, but I'd written that off to nerves 

Once I found myself with a stunningly attrac- 
tive woman. Our first night was a dream. Our 
second was a disaster. In retrospect. I think I 
was scared to death (scared limp, one might 
say), because 1 saw the woman as a threat to a 


Its no fun to find at a crucial moment that 
your once-loyal companion Harry Hard-on has 
deserted you, that Steely Dan has become a 
limp noodle. it's easy to think you've disgraced 
yourself, that your manhood is in doubt. 

I turned for advice to the sexual godparents. 
of us all, the good doctors William Masters and 
Virginia Johnson. Their somber tome Human 
Sexual Inadequacy (a lovely title, that) diag- 
nosed my disability—secondary impotence, 
they call it—and told me pretty much what I'd 
suspected. 

For an otherwise healthy male, erections are 
natural. (1 recalled a fellow Га shared a tent 
with once while working for the US. Forest 
Service. Every morning, he would announce 
from his bunk, “There's a woman on the roof.” 
How do you know? someone would ask. “Be- 
cause my dicks pointing up there.”) But if erec- 
tions are natural, our psyches are delicate. 
Once we start to worry about erections, even to 
think about them, we're in trouble. 

Our two related problems, Masters and John- 
son say are worrying about our sexual per- 
formance and becoming an observer, rather 
than a participant, in sex—evaluating instead. 
of enjoying. 

OK, 1 was guilty on both counts. Of course 1 
was performing, or trying to. What else was I 
doing in bed with those women I barely knew? 
And, let's face it, my instinct is to evaluate ev- 
erything—movies, salads, sunsets. Once, aftera 


IN PRAISE OF PATIENT WOMEN 


WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM AN UNDERSTANDING PARTNER, WHAT GOES DOWN MUST COME UP 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN OLEARY 


life ] then wanted to continue. 

But here I was now, 50, free and a flop in bed 

1 knew I wasn't 25 anymore. I didn't expect to 
make love three times in a morning, as I had in 
a little hotel on the Rue Bonaparte with the 
most beautiful woman in Paris many vears ago. 

But once a night, surely An erection on de- 
mand, surely. 

No such luck. 

I was consoled by the belief that my problem 
was mental, not physical, that in some way 1 
didn't understand, I was psyching myself out. 

I was consoled, too, by a talk I'd once had 
with no less an authority than Hugh Hefner. 
Hef said that as a young man, he'd thought of 
sex, like most American men of his generation, 
in terms of performance, in terms of how long 
you kept your erection and how many orgasms 
you had. But as he grew older and wiser, he be- 
gan to see that the point was not performance 
but pleasure, that there was a vast difference, as 
he put it, "between fucking and making love." 
Erections were not the point, he found; you 
could have great sex with or without erections. 

Hefner's remarks were some consolation, yes; 
but at other times, 1 would recall the Hollywood 
producer of the Thirties who married a famous 
sex goddess, then killed himself shortly after 
their wedding, presumably because he wasn't 
functioning at a godlike level. 


failure in bed, I told my partner exactly what 
had gone wrong. “That's the first time I ever got 
an instant replay” she replied 

Thad the classic problem, but what was I to 
do? According to Masters and Johnson, | need- 
ed to relax, to think about pleasure, about giv- 
ing and sharing, not about performance. Be 
patient. If it doesnt happen today, it'll happen 
tomorrow. 

Good advice—and not worth a damn if the 
women in my life hadn't cooperated. But thev 
did, in spades. 

I came to think that a man with an elusive 
erection is like a little boy with a skinned 
knee—he needs Momma to hold him tight and 
tell him it'll be all right. And I found that some 
otherwise tough, formidable women are happy 
to do just that. 

I dont know if many women in their 20s 
would have been so patient—why should they 
have been? But the women I was seeing were 
around 40, veterans of the sexual wars, and if 
you treated them right in other regards, they 
could be wonderfully understanding. 

All of them said. “Hey, this isn't unusual; 
you're not the only one." (Masters and Johnson 
note that virtually every man who comes to 
them for treatment of impotence is convinced 
he's the only one who was ever thus afflicted.) 

One woman told (concluded on page 154) 


103 


PLAYBOY 


104 


CROOKS usos 


“Rubbing it in, are ya? OK, I made a mistake! I 
got excited and I shot up the switchboard 


“1 sure am!” yelled Dortmunder. 

“Whats your name?" 

Oh, not again, thought Dortmunder, 
but therc was nothing for it. "Diddums," 
he said. 

"What?" 

“Diddums!” 

A brief pause: “Diddums?” 

“Its Welsh!” 

“Аһ” 

There was a little pause while whoever 
was operating the bullhorn conferred 
with his compatriots, and then the bull- 
horn said, “Whats the situation in there?" 

What kind of question was that? “Well, 
uh,” Dortmunder said, and remembered. 
to speak more loudly, and called, “kind of 
tense, actually.” 

“Any of the hostages been harmed?” 

"Uh-uh. No. Definitely not. This is 
a... this іза... nonviolent confronta- 
tion." Dortmunder fervently hoped to es- 
tablish that idea in everybodys mind, 
particularly if he were going to be out 
here in the middle much longer. 

“Any change in the situation?” 

Change? "Well" Dortmunder an- 
swered, “I havent been m there that 
long, but it seems like——" 

“Not that long? Whats the matter with 
you, Diddums? Youve been in that bank 
over two hours now!” 

“Oh, yeah!” Forgetting, Dortmunder 
lowered hisarmsand stepped forward to 
the curb. “That's right!" he called. “Two 
hours! More than two hours! Been in 
there a long time!" 

“Step out here away from the bank!” 

Dortmunder looked down and saw his 
toes hanging ten over the edge of the 
curb. Stepping back at a brisk pace, he 
called, “I'm not supposed to do that!" 

“Listen, Diddums, I've got a lol of tense 
men and women over here. I'm telling you, 
step away from the bank!” 

“The fellas inside," Dortmunder ex- 
plained, “they don't want me to step off 
the curb. They said they'd, uh, well, they 
just don't want me to do it.” 

“Psst! Hey, Diddums!” 

Dortmunder paid no attention to the 
voice calling from behind him. He was 
concentrating too hard on what was hap- 
pening right now out front. Also, he 
wasn't that used to the new name yet. 

"Diddums!" 

“Maybe you better put your hands up 
again.” 

"Oh, yeah!" Dortmunder's arms shot 
up like pistons blowing through an en- 
gine block. “There they are!” 

“Diddums, goddamn it, do I have to 


shoot you to get you to pay attention?” 
Arms dropping, Dortmunder spun 


around. “Sorry! I wasnt— I was— 
Here Тат!" 
“Get those goddamn hands up!” 


Dortmunder turned sideways, arms up 
so high his sides hurt. Peering sidelong to 
his right, he called to the crowd across 
the street, “Sirs, they're talking to me in- 
side now.” Then he peered sidelong to his 
left, saw the comparatively calm robber 
crouched beside the broken doorframe 
and looking less calm than before, and 
he said, "Here I am.” 

“We're gonna give them our demands 
now,” the robber said. “Through you.” 

"Thats fine, Dortmunder said. 
“That's great. Only, you know, how come 
you don't do it on the phone? I mean, the 
way it’s normally” 

The red-eyed robber, heedless of ex- 
posure to the sharpshooters across the 
street, shouldered furiously past the 
comparatively calm robber, who tried to 
restrain him as he yelled at Dortmunder, 
“You're rubbing it in, are ya? OK, I made 
a mistake! I got excited and I shot up the 
switchboard! You want me to get excited 
again?” 

“No, no!” Dortmunder cried, trying to 
hold his hands straight up in the air and 
defensively in front of his body at the 
same time. “I forgot! I just forgot!” 

The other robbers all clustered around 
to grab the red-eyed robber, who seemed 
to be trying to point his Uzi in Dortmun- 
der’s direction as he yelled, “I did it in 
front of everybody! I humiliated myself 
in front of everybody! And now you're 
making fun of me!” 

“I forgot! I’m sorry!" 

“You can't forget that! Nobody's ever 
gonna forget that!” 

The three remaining robbers dragged 
the red-eyed robber back away from the 
doorway, talking to him, trying to soothe 
him, leaving Dortmunder and the com- 
paratively calm robber to continue their 
conversation. "I'm sorry" Dortmunder 
said. “I just forgot. I've been kind of dis- 
tracted lately. Recently" 

“You're playing with fire here, Did- 
dums," the robber said. “Now tell them 
they're gonna get our demands.” 

Dortmunder nodded, and turned his 
head the other way, and yelled, "They're 
gonna tell you their demands now I 
mean, I’m gonna tell you their demands. 
Their demands. Not my demands. Their 
de—” 


“We're willing to listen, Diddums, only so 
long as none of the hostages get hurt.” 

"Thats good!” Dortmunder agreed, 
and turned his head the other way to tell 
the robber, “That's reasonable, you know, 
thats sensible, that’s a very good thing 
they're saying." 

"Shut up,” the robber said. 

"Right," Dortmunder said. 

"The robber said, "First, we want the 
riflemen off the roofs. 

"Oh, so do I,” Dortmunder told him, 
and turned to shout, "They want the 
riflemen off the roofs!" 

“What else?” 

“What else?" 

"And we want them to unblock that 
end of the street, the—what is it?—the 
north end.” 

Dortmunder frowned straight ahead 
at the buses blocking the intersection. 
"Isnt that east?" he asked. 

“Whatever it is,” the robber said, get- 
ung impatient. “That end down there to 
the left." 

“OK.” Dortmunder turned his head 
and yelled, “They want you to unblock 
the east end of the street!” Since his 
hands were way up in the sky somewhere, 
he pointed with his chin. 

“Isn't that north?" 

"I knew it was," the robber said. 

“Yeah, I guess so," Dortmunder called. 
"That end down there to the left." 

"The right, you mean." 

“Yeah, that's right. Your right, my left. 
Their left.” 

“What else?” 

Dortmunder sighed, and turned his 
head. “What else?” 

The robber glared at him. “I can hear 
the bullhorn, Diddums. I can hear him 
say ‘What else?’ You don’t have to repeat 
everything he says. No more transla- 
tions.” 

“Right,” Dortmunder said. “Gotcha. 
No more translations.” 

"We'll want a car,” the robber told him. 
“A station wagon. We're gonna take three 
hostages with us, so we want a big station 
wagon. And nobody follows us." 

"Gee, Dortmunder said dubiously, 
"gre you sure?" 

The robber stared. "Am I sure?" 

“Well, you know what they'll do,” Dort- 
munder told him, lowering his voice so 
the other team across the street couldn't 
hear him, “What they do in these situa- 
tions, they fix a little radio transmitter 
under the car, so then they don't have to 
follow you, exactly, but they know where 
you are.” 

Impatient again, the robber said, “So 
you'll tell them not to do that. No radio 
transmitters, or we kill the hostages.” 

“Well, I suppose,” Dortmunder said 
doubtfully. 

"What's wrong now?” the robber de- 
manded. “You're too goddamn picky, 

(continued on page 142) 


*Heres Mommy now!" 


105 


PLAYBOY 


I RP А 


things you can live without, but who wants to? 


The four Swiss-macie watches in Alfred Brodmanns “Segments” collection more than equal the sum of their parts. 
The timepieces con be bought separately for $275 each, or as a set for $1100. They're made of palished surgicol 
steel ond are available with rubber or leather straps and a presentation box, from Stelton USA, Inc., New York. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


The personal-stereo beat goes 
on: Aiwa has put sonic punch 
into its Model HS-T370 FWAM 
auto-reverse cassette player 
in the form of o super bass 
control, which adds low-end 
‘oomph for a richer sound, $90. 


Locking for an elegant place to 
stosh your smokes? This red- 
mahogany cigorillo case is 
hond-finished ond -locquered 
and comes fitted with gold- 
ploted hardware, from David- 
off Geneva, New York, $200. 


The Canon Sure Shot Ace is the 
first 35mm camera to offer a 
built-in wireless-remote-control 
shutter release (it's about the 
size of a motchbox and works. 
up to 16 feet awoy), plus auto 
wind, flosh and focus, $260. 


The Copenhagen telephane by 
Bang & Olufsen boasts a 
pressure-chamber speaker for 
better acoustics, 21-number star- 
age capacity, speed dialing and 
last-number redial, from the 
Eurotel Collection, $229.95. 


All three Audio Dynamics cam- 
ponents pictured are remote 
contralled and include (top to 
bottam) a T-2000E AM/FM tun- 
er, $349, CD-2000E compact- 
disc player, $399, CA-2000E 
integrated amplifier, $799 


Sharps four-head VCR, which 
measures 11/4" x 10" x 5”, plays 
full-sized VHS tapes on с flip- 
vp four-inch LCD color moni- 
tar ond operates on any of 
three power sources—A.C., 
D.C. or car battery, $1899 


Raise yaur glass to a hondsame 
art-deca-influenced 26-aunce 
cacktail shaker that stands 11” 
high and comes in both gald- 
plated and polished-stainless- 
steel finish, fram Metrokane, 
New York, $65 and $45. 


س MÀ‏ ھا 


110 


REMEMBER Riverview This vast 
amusement park was located on 
Chicago's North Side. It was mag- 
nificent, dangerous and thrilling. 
There were freak shows; there was 
the renowned Bobs roller coaster, 
built as the fastest in the world; 
there was the Rotor, a room-sized 
cylinder in which one stood back 
against the wall and was spun 
around, while the floor dropped 
away; there was the parachute jump, the 
symbol of Riverview and visible for miles. 

There was illicit gambling, one could 
die on the rides, the place reeked of sex. 
A trip to Riverview was more than a 
thrill, it was a dangerous dream adven- 
ture for the children and for their par- 
ents, 

My father took me up in the parachute 
jump. We were slowly hoisted 20 stories 
into the air, seated on a rickety board and 
held in place by a frayed rope. We 
reached the top of the scaffold, the 
parachute dropped, the seat dropped 
out from under us and my father said un- 
der his breath, “Jesus Christ, we're both 
going to die here." 

I remember wondering why I was not 
terrified by his fear. I think I was proud 
to be sharing such a grown-up experi- 
ence with him, 

Black men in jump suits sat suspended 
over tubs of water. White men paid to 
throw baseballs at a target. When the 
target was hit, the black men werc 
dropped into the tubs below. The black 
men Uncle Tommed the customers in 
thick assumed Southern accents. 

The fix was in. Everyone was getting 
fleeced and shortchanged, to boot, at the 
ten-in-one. Hell, thats why we went 
there. This was a carnival—this wasn't a 
merry-go-round and cotton candy, this 
was a carnival—and we were making fun 
of the horror of existence, saying, "Fuck 
you; tonight I'm going to party.” And this 
was our Family Entertainment. 

Did it bring the family together? You 
bet it did. And 35 years later, I prize the 
memories, as does every other kid who 
went there with his family. As does every- 
one who ever went there, period. You got 
the bang for your buck that you were 
promised. Riverview: The very name is 
magic to a kid from those days in 
Chicago; as magic as the name of the first 
girl you ever laid, and that’s the truth. 

My family took me to Disneyland the 
year it opened. I was eight, the year was 
1955, and it seems to me that much of the 
park was still under construction. 

I went back with my five-year-old, 33 
years later. And I remembered it all. I re- 
membered the route from one ride to the 
next. I remembered where the hot-dog 
stands were. Nothing had changed. I was 
charmed to remember the Pirate Menus 
and how one punched out the ears and 
could wear them as masks. I remem- 


bered the souvenirs. 1 went on the Dum- 
bo Ride, and my wife took a picture of 
me and my kid, and it looks just like the 
picture of me and my mom on the same 
elephant. 

Leaving the park, we ran into a parade 
on the Main Street of Disneyland. The 
parade was commemorative of the 60th 
anniversary of Mickey Mouse. It was a 
lavish panegyric, designed to evoke feel- 
ings of fealty. 

A part of the parade was musical varia- 
tions on the Mickey Mouse Song: “M-I- 
C—see you real soon—K-E-Y—why? 
Because we like you ” etc; which I 
both heard and sang along with week- 
days for the several years I watched The 
Mickey Mouse Club on television. 1 re- 
membered Jimmie Dodd, the compère of 
the club, singing to us viewers, rather 
sententiously, and I remembered being 
moved by his affectation. 

Well, here we were, kids and adults 
alike, smiling at that anthem, wishing 
Mickey well, 33 years later. 

But I asked myself, What, actually, 


were we endors- 


ing? What was it 
that we were wish- 
ing well? How, and 
to what end, was 
this warm fecling 
evoked? 

Were we feeling 
“good” about 
wishing happy 
birthday to a 
mouse? It’s not a 
mouse, it's a char- 
acter in a cartoon. 
Were we wishing 
well to a commercial enterprise? For, 
surely, Disneyland is the most commer- 
cial of enterprises. It is the state of the art 
in crowd control; it is terrifying to reflect 
that one stands in line for approximately 
55 minutes out of every hour on a moder- 
ately crowded day at the park, that a five- 
hour sojourn at the park contains 95 
minutes of "fun." The turns and bends 
and sights in the waiting line are de- 
signed to create the illusion that it is 
shorter than it actually is. One sets one's 
sights and hopes on a crest up ahead, 
which, surely, must be the entrance to the 
ride, only to find, on reaching that crest, 
that yet another stretch of waiting is in 
store, that one must wait, further, until 
one passes under the arches up ahezd, 
certainly not too long a time. But on 
reaching those arches, one finds, etc. 

Why does no one complain? Why does 
everyone return? Are the rides that 
thrilling? No, they are enjoyable, and 
some are rather good, but they aren't any 
more thrilling than the run-of-the-mill 
traveling carnival rides. Is the atmos- 
phere that enjoyable? No. I think, to the 
contrary, that the atmosphere is rather 
oppressive. lt (concluded on page 155) 


essay by 


DAID MANET 
ME TOR 


(KEY MOU 


when it comes to 
modern amusement 
parks, the playwright 
is not amused 


ILLUSTRATION BY KERIG POPE 


nz 


W OMEN OFF 


WALL STREET 


last year, we invested in a bare market and made a killing 


text by Louis Rukeyser 


ust over 21 years ago, about the time when those now 

coming of legal drinking age were born, there was not 

a single woman member on the floor of the New York 
Stock Exchange. Muriel Siebert, among others, thought 
that was ridiculous, but Mickie, as she is known, believes in ac- 
tion rather than complaint. She had the half-million dollars; 
she demanded a seat. The old fogeys of the exchange, includ- 
ing chairman Gus Levy, thought hers was an idea only slightly 
less subversive than turning the entire operation over to the 
Bolsheviks. “We don't want her," Levy told an investment 
banker who had had the temerity to recommend her. And 
then Levy came up with the excuse that became an industry- 


wide cause célèbre: “We have no ladies’ room on the floor.” 


"I've never had so many people worry about my toilet 


habits,” Mickie tells me, adding that all ten of the trading 
members she asked to sponsor her turned her down. Finally, 
she found sponsors "upstairs" (away from the trading floor) 
and, promising to take responsibility for her own bladder, was 
allowed to buy а seat in December 1967. The male-female ra- 
tio became 1365 to 1. 

As Mickie Sieberts story suggests, Wall Street a generation 
ago was about as chauvinistic as any institution in the United 
States. While men genially spread canards about how women 
controlled most of the money anyhow, male executives system- 
atically excluded women from any positions of real power. It 
would be nice to be able to report that Wall Street, two 
decades later, is a prettier place. However, as anyone who has 


surveyed the recent scandals 


(text continued on page 152) 


South Richmond Securities 


Position: Stock- 
broker (“also known 
as dialing for dol 
lars—bring your 
own caffeine”), 
Hottest Stock Tip: 
Legend Foods 
СОТО): was four 
cents in early 1988; 
about 12 cents in 
early 1989. 


Lisandra Trujillo 


Current Status: Left job in November 1988; 
now a full-time finance student. 


Wall Street High: “So many men. 


Wall Street Low: “So little time: 


Outstanding Assets: 36-24-36. 


Like many of our Wall Street ladies, Lisandra Tru- 
jillo (left and opposite) quit the market shortly 
after we took her picture. “I realized | wasn't cut 
out for high-pressure sales,” she says, quickly 
adding, “but III be back—with a vengeance." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID MECEY AND JAMES SCHNEPF 


Franklin Consolidated Mi 


Position: Office 
manager and share- 
holder liaison, 
Wall Street 
Salary: $38,000. 
plus bonus. 

Cheryl Petersen 


Current Status: Laid off in January 1989; 
now attending New York Institute of Finance. 


Ambition: To acquire a securities broker's 
license. 


Outstanding Assets: 36-25-36. 


Temporarily on leave from the financial world, 
Cheryl Petersen (hailing a taxi in downtown 
Manhattan at left; unwinding below) still pro- 
jects that chic Wall Street image, naming dia- 
monds and fake furs 2s her favorite commodities. 


Shearson Lehman Hutton 


Position: Financial 
consultant, account. 
executive. 

Current Status: 
Left company in 
August 1988; row a 
sales specialist for a 
Fortune 500 firm 
and heading for law 
school in the fall. 


Holly S, Meder 


Wall Street High: "Being one of the few 
women in the business who succeeded.” 


Wall Street Lo 
eryone rich" 


‘Not being able to make ev- 


Outstanding Assets: 38-25-3512. 


No longer wheeling and dealing at the Chica- 
go Board Options Exchange (right), Holly Meder 
now prefers to follow her hometown Bulls 
and Bears in sports, though she does man- 
age to stay on top of her favorite stocks (top). 


veal 


nent 


serge 


115 


Stuart-James 


Position: Adminis- 
trative assistant and 
office "top girl” 
Biggest Killing: 
Bringing in a 
$3,500,000 account 
and collecting com- 
missions on the 
profits. 


Robin Mormelo 


Current Status: Left the company two 
months after her Playboy shoot; entered 
Mrs. New Jersey pageant. 


Wall Street High: “Being discovered by 
Playboy for this pictorial.” 


Wall Street Low: ing chased in and out 
of the elevators by all of the brokers" 


Outstanding Assets; 35-24-35. 


After a stint at Merrill Lynch, Robin Mormelo 
(opposite, above) moved to Stuart-James Co., 
where bosses threatened to fire her for posing 
for Playboy. "That's OK,” she says. “1 told them 
where they could ро” Meanwhile, Paris- 
bom Denise Uzan (taking a hot-pretzel lunch 
break at left; opposite, below) weathered a 
stormy eight-month gig at Dean Witter before 
finding happiness and success at Paine Webber. 


Paine Webber 


Position: Stock: 
broker and invest- 
ment executive. 
Yearly Income: 
nti 

Biggest Killing: 
While at another 
firrn, found stock at 
ore dollar; sold it 
at $10.50 within 

- six months. 

N Denise Uzan 


Ambition: “To work in mergers and acquisi- 
tions, find Prince Charming and merge with 
hint 


Wall Street High: 
virtually a man's world." 


ing out in what's 


Wall Street Low: "Trying to remain femi- 
nine while dealing with sharks” 


Outstarding Assets: 36-21-34. 


E .. >e. 
2131208 2.1 
- weer 
Sant, E г 
m areas ee 
eras 4 4 
pe; 


Drexel Burnham Lambert 


Position: Executive 

assistant, corporate 

bond research de 

partmel 

Ambition: To b 

(come a stockbroker 

Current Statu: 

Laid off in April due 

to cutbacks; now 
king for work 

ari Fie 


Wall Street High: 
jon at the nearby 


Wall Street Low: “Guys on the 
are intimidated by my height" (5'10! 


Why did D.B.L. lay off Shari Fierman (soaking up 
New York City, left and top)? "They had to cut 
back. Maybe six hundred and fifty million dollars in 
fines had something to do with it. At least Michael 
Milken and | were laid off at the same time.” 


Drexel Burnham Lambert 


Р 


Position: Executive 
tant, mortgage 
backed securities 
Biggest Killing: 
Received $10,000 
Christmas bonus for 
Чапа job well; while 
at another firm, 
assisted in the 
- Macmillan takeover. 
Laura King 


Current Status: Left in May 1988 to join an 
investment-banking firm. 


Wall Street. “All those sexy men.” 

Wall Street Low: "Taking the subway. 

Outstanding Assets: 3 
Laura King (doing the Working Girl ferry jaunt 
at right; beachside below) left her banking job 
to study interior design, but her heart still 


belongs to Wall Street. Her advice to in- 
vestors: “Buy the rumor, sell the news.” 


Greentree Securities 


| Position: Stockbro- 
ker, specializing in 
low-priced, high- 
risk stocks. 
Hottest Invest- 
ment Tip: Playing 
index options dur- 
ing times of high 
market volatility 
Lisa Knapp 


Current Status: Left job in 1988 when frm 
folded; now works for rigging company. 


Wall Street High: “The idea that people 
would actually give me their money to invest 
because they liked the sound of my voice.” 


Wall Street Low: "Couldrit stand taking 
money from people who weren't able to 
swing it financially” 


Outstanding Assets; 32-24-32. 


No longer on the Wall Street beat, Lisa Knapp (left) 
is partial to spending time with her family and do- 
ing off-season beachcombing in Montauk. And, 
finally: Kimberly Ann Clark (opposite) plays the 
market long distance from Prudential-Bache's 
Florida offices. Would she rather be in the thick of 
things in Manhattan? Nope. “I have a cozy apart- 
ment in Miami,” she says, “with a pink-satin bed- 
room that | share with my Persian kitty, Chanel.” 


Position: Sales as 
sistant (previously a 
broker at Blinder: 
Robinson). 
Biggest Killing: 
Bought Sears for a 
client at $33 per 
share; watched it 
climb to $46 within 
two months. 


Kimberly Arm Clark 


Current Status: Left job in January to travel; 
returned to it May first 


Ambition: Tb live in a beach house, drive a 
Testarossa and be a financial success. 


Wall Street High: "That professional feelin, 


Wall Street Low: “Clients who dorit want to 
invest with а twenty-four-year-old. 


Ош " 36-2: 


PLAYBOY 


122 


FIRE & FEAR conim fron page 70) 


“Т warned him, ‘Tt would be an unforgivable sin if 


you transmitted a social disease to your girlfriend.” 


crazy or something? She had some fuck- 
ing balls.” 


. 

A few days after his first match with 
Robin Givens, Tyson went back to Las Ve- 
gas to prepare for the bout with "Tony 
"Tucker. It was a tough fight, and Tucker 
even embraced Tyson in his corner be- 
fore the decision was announced, think- 
ing he'd won and promising to give Tyson 
a rematch. But the referee lifted Tyson's 
hand in victory, and then Don King led 
him off to the infamous coronation scene, 
complete with crown, robe and scepter. 
Throughout the festivities, the champ 
looked down at the floor in embarrass- 
ment. 

Freed from boxing for a while, Mike 
continued his amorous forays. But Robin 
was by his side more than her competi- 
tors, and the public began to see a lot of 
her. Tyson seemed proud of her good 
looks and elegance. 

However, by the time Don King and 
Donald Trump called a press confer- 
ence in New York to announce the 
“Tyson—Tyrell Biggs fight, Mikes ex- 
tracurrienlar activities had come hack to. 
haunt him. At the end of the conference, 
he was asked to take the usual physical 
examination, but he put it off. 

Later, he pulled Lott aside. “I think I 
have that shit again.” he said. Sure 
enough, the man who'd scored victories 
over Berbick and Smith while recovering 
from venereal disease had managed once 
again to make a friend of that pesky bac- 
teria. I warned him not to engage in any 
type of intimacy with Robin. "It would be 
an unforgivable sin if you transmitted a 
social disease to your girlfriend,” I said. 

The disease notwithstanding, Tyson 
would handily defeat Biggs, an enemy ev- 
er since the 1984 Olympic trials, at which 
‘Tyson served as a mere sparring partner 
for the contenders. Biggs had won the 
gold, but when it really mattered, Tyson 
won the war. 


б 

Shortly before Tyson's fight with Larry 
Holmes, on a cold January afternoon in 
1988, Jim Jacobs called me on the tele- 
phone. “1 must talk to you," he said, 
“When can | see you?" 

“How about now?" 

We met at his office on East 40th Street 
at 5:45 that afternoon. Looking around 
to make sure no one else was within hear- 
ing range, he said, “Mike has a problem 
that must be attended to promptly. Ruth 
Roper says—— 

“Who's that?" I cut in. 


"Robin Givens' mother." 

“1 like her . . . I mean Robin. She's 
smart, independent." 

“This cannot, 1 repeat, this cannot get 
out of this room. José, I can't emphasize 
it more.” After a pause, he said, “Miss 
Roper tells me her daughter is preg- 
nant—by Mike. She says we must take ap- 
propriate action, or else.” 

“Is he willing to marry her?" 

“What do you think?” Jacobs asked, 
probing my eyes for an answer, 

“I think he should. Cus would have 
loved her” 

“Are you sure?" 

“My instincts seldom betray me.” So 
much for my instincts. 

Two weeks later, we discovered that 
Tyson was no longer a bachelor. 

“He called me on Sunday [February 7, 
1988]," Lott told me, “and asked, ‘What 
would you say if I married Robin right 
now?” The hypothetical question took 
Lott by surprise. He knew more about 
Tyson's sex life than anyone else except 
Holloway and never suspected that the 
champ was that serious about Givens. He 
told Tyson it was a great idea. The next 
day, Roper called Jacobs and told him 
that Mike and Robin had been privately 
married by Father George Clements, a 
Catholic priest. [The cause for this hur- 
ried match—Robin's pregnancy—would 
later end in miscarriage.] 

So that Mike and Robin's entry into 
wedded bliss wouldn't lack pomp and cir- 
cumstance, Robins mother gave her 
daughter and new son-in-law a small but 
high-toned party on Valentines Day, at 
the Library Room of the Helmsley Palace 
Hotel on Madison Avenue. Mother and 
daughter both wore black—looking so 
much alike they might have been sis- 
ters—and guests mingled pleasantly and 
sampled the delicious food. The affair 
amounted to Корегѕ coming-out party. 
Although she is small and energetic, with 
diminutive features, her guileful smile 
and devious eyes gave me the impression 
that she didn’t trust anyone. Here was a 
woman who might drive insecure people 
insane. 

My wife, Ramona, whos never at a loss 
for words, pulled me aside at the party. 
“Tell your friends Bill Cayton, Jimmy Ja- 
cobs and Mike Tyson himself,” she said, 
“that this is a woman they'll have to con- 
tend with from now on.” 

One day after the party, both of Tyson's 
comanagers fell ill. Cayton was hospital- 
ized with an inflammation of the mem- 
branes of the heart. Jacobs, who had left 


town supposedly to visit relatives, was re- 
covering from intestinal surgery. 

It was while in the hospital that Cayton 
first faced Robin's wrath. She'd been un- 
able to contact Jacobs and apparently 
figured Cayton would do, even though he 
was suffering from a serious illness. “I'm 
Mrs. Mike Tyson,” she announced over 
the telephone, “I'm taking over my hus- 
band’s affairs.” 

Cayton was enraged by her manner. 
“She said those words in a rather abusive, 
dominant tone of voice, as though she 
had taken over the managership func- 
tions of Mike as well.” Cayton was sur- 
prised at her tone and told her so. “Here 
she is, married for a few weeks, and she's 
taking over for people who've been with 
Mike since the boy was twelve years old.” 

"son's other comanager would never 
learn of those developments. At that mo- 
ment, he lay dying in New York's Mount 
Sinai Hospital. He had succumbed to an 
cight-year baule with leukemia, finally 
giving in the day after Tyson and his en- 
tourage had returned from Japan, where 
the champ had successfully defended his 
title against Tony Tubbs. 

“I was on my way to the hospital to visit 
him,” Tyson told me later, “and my wife 
reached me on the car phone to tell me 
that Jimmy had just died. I told the driv- 
er to make a U-turn and go to [Jacobs 
and Cayton's] office.” 

Cayton said Tyson arrived “in tears and 
ош of control.” 

That same day, Tyson and Givens 
showed up at Merrill Lynch to shift 
$1,900,000 from his stock account to 
make the down payment on the couple's 
new $4,000,000 mansion. “Robin was not 
even concerned that Jim had just died.” 
Merrill Lynch's James Brady told the 
Daily News. “1 followed her instructions 
and made a wire transfer.” 

I saw Tyson later that night. He and his 
wife had gone to Jacobs’ modest two-bed- 
room East Side apartment—two floors 
below theirs—to join the mourners. A 
few friends of the family were there, and 
Jacobs’ wife, Loraine, was doing her best 
to be a cordial hostess. 

Later, Tyson, his wife and I went up- 
Stairs to the couple's apartment, and after 
a short while, Mike asked me to go out 
for a walk. When we left the apartment, 
he seemed in a deep fit of melancholy. It 
was as if he'd been hit by a sucker punch. 

He started crying on my shoulder. 
“You know,” he said, “people think I'm 
tough. But thats bullshit. I'ma fucking 
coward. You know something, I feel like 
taking my own Ше... killing myself. But 
I don't have the fucking guts to do it, you 
know what I mean?" We were walking on 
Second Avenue in the 40s against the 
cool March breeze. 

“When Cus died, 1 felt the same way,” 

(continued on page 145) 


“Be reasonable, Christine—you cant have 
a Lamborghini and a back seat.” 


123 


JOW 


hen the comedy series “SCTV” hit the 

airwaves in 1976, audiences immedi- 
ately gravitated toward the funniest and 
friendliest member of the cast, John Candy. 
His eclectic collection of offbeat charac- 
ters (Johnny LaRue, Dr Tongue, Yosh 
Shmenge, Harry—“the guy with the snake 
on his face”) attracted a large and loyal fol- 
lowing that has stayed with him through the 
hits (“Planes, Trains, and Automobiles,” 
“Splash”) and misses (“Armed and Danger- 
ous,” “Whos Harry Crumb?”) of a film ca- 
reer that promises its best work is yet to 
come. Candy believes his latest film, “Uncle 
Buck,” due out this month, is a new direc- 
tion into seriocomic roles. Robert Crane 
caught up with Candy aboard Air Canada’s 
L.A.-Toronto afternoon flight. Crane re- 
ports: “Candy is an energy source con- 
lained in clothes. In addition to his nonstop 
moviemaking, he tapes a weekly radio show, 
‘Radio Kandy, he will host a Saturday- 
morning kids’ show, ‘Camp Candy, and he 
is involued in three HBO comedy specials. 
There is even talk of putting his name ona 
line of clothing A guy that nice shouldn't 
have to work that hard.” 


1. 


PLAvBOY: What's the best advice а bar- 
tender ever gave you? 

cANDv: “Dont get into the restaurant 
business.” “You've had enough." “It’s time 
to во” “Do you really need this?" 


2. 


PLAYBOY: Why isn't there more sex in your 
films? 


PLAYBOY: You, Sam 


canpy: Damn, that’s what I ask the pro- 
lack of trying. We 
had some in Sum- 
rounded party working now with 
monster and — my, uadiean. 
vate parts in Uncle 
advocate de- 3. 

d Kinison, Roseanne 
what circum- Anderson are all 
stances he in the forefront 

funny? 
ny as midgets. It’s 
love Weapon really in the eve 


ducers. It's not for 
the well- 

mer Rental. Um 

Amy Madigan. 
hrussels-sprouts ухе 
scribes under 

Barr and Louie 

4 of comedy Is fat 

whips out his CANI It's as fun- 

of the beholder. 
ШШШ э 


2 0 U 


think that. I never dwell on it. I tend to 
look at people as people and not as tall, 
short, fat, skinny. Given the opportunity, 
I'm sure we could come up with a list of 
faults for everyone. We could find old 
people funny. People with big noses. Peo- 
ple going bald. People with big ears. Peo- 
ple with goiters. People who have face 
lifts. People who have perfect teeth. You 
could cut anybody up. 

Roseanne Barr is very funny, very tal- 
ented. More power to her. Louie Ander- 
son is funny. Sam Kinison is very 
talented. I think they're talented no mat- 
ter what they look like. 1 don't judge peo- 


ple by how they look and I try not to hang 
out with people who do. 


4. 


rLaysoy: How did you come up with the 
Shmenges? 

самоу: Eugene Levy and I were sitting in 
a hotel room in Edmonton, writing the 
SCTV show, and I had been using the 
word shmenge, which is a bastardization 
of shmegegge. We were watching a polka 
show on TV and I said, “Boy, there's a 
couple of shmenges for you,” and a light 
bulb went off and we looked at each other 
and went, “Yeah, shmenges.” That after- 
noon, we created Yosh and Stan and 
wrote the first script. It wasn't until six 
months later that we shot it. Everybody 
went nuts in the studio. And then we did 
additional bits when we had the right 
pieces for them. 


5. 


PLavBov: Will the Shmenges do any relief 
concerts for the Soviet Baltic countries? 
CANDY: I think thev're going to send Dan 
Quayle over. He's doing a one-man show, 
I'm Not Jack Kennedy, for dinner theaters. 
He'll be touring Russia with that. He's 
going to kick off in Berlin. Ich bin nicht 
Jack Kennedy Berliner. The Shmenges 
may open for him. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: As a Canadian, did you weep 
when Wayne Gretzky left Edmonton? 

CANDY: No. Are you kidding? I jumped 
up and down. I thought it was hysterical. 
It was one of those moments when you al- 
ways remember where you were when 
you heard the news. I was getting onto a 
plane to go to Vancouver and someone 
said, “Congratulations! You've got Gret- 
zky playing for you now.” I thought he 
was joking. I had almost given up my 
L.A. Kings season tickets, because I'm 


5 | N 


there so seldom that I could buy them on 
a per-game basis. One of the first calls I 
made was to make sure that I had nor, in 
fact, canceled my season tickets. The 
Kings ticket office said, “Dont worry, 
you're covered.” The people at the Fo- 
rum have been so nice. [Kings owner] 
Bruce McNall's people are fabulous. 


"They have a winning attitude. Gretzky 
brings a lot of class and expertise. 


7. 


rt avrov: What other Canadian sports fig- 
ures would you like to see move to L.A.? 
caxpv: Ben Johnson. Of course, Canadi- 
ans are now saying he’s Jamaican. At 
first, he was closely related to Sir Johnny 
Macdonald, the first prime minister of 
Canada. They were tracing his roots 
back that far. The moment he was di 
qualified, he came from Jamaica, It is 
pretty disgraceful. For his own safety, he 
should come to Los Angeles. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Whose fingerprints are on the 
scripts that come your way? 

CANDY: [here arent too many hnger- 
prints now. I've been very selective and 
very fortunate. I have a good relation- 
ship with John Hughes. If we can work 
together over the years, I'll be very happy 
with that. I enjoy working with Paul Fla- 
herty; I did Whos Harry Crumb? with 
him. We also worked together a number 
of years at SCTV. My agent probably has 
more fingerprints on scripts than anyone 
else. 1 know in Hollywood they have a 
star wheel in the executives’ offices. They 
spin the wheel and it lands ona picture of 
an actor, Wherever it lands, they make a 
deal with him. It’s scary. Eddie Murphy 
would probably be on top. Or Bill Mur- 
ray Or Chevy Chase. Dan Aykroyd 
would be right up there. Tom Hanks. 
Steve Martin. Danny DeVito. Michael 
Keaton. John Cleese. Michael Palin. Kev- 
in Kline. There are so many. 


El 


PLAYBOY: What is it like to be the funniest. 
part of an unfunny movie? 

CANDY: [m a very hard judge, so its 
difficult to think of myself as funny at all. 
1 usually look at everyone else on the 
screen and mentally block myself right 
out. It's like an instant matte сатега—1 
can put anyone else's face in there or I 
can puta tree where I'm standing. I'm al- 
ways in awe of everyone elses work—my 
God, I'm (concluded on page 134) 


125 


JICENCE TO ТИ 


playmate diana lee takes the titles in the latest james bond film 


HERE WE ARE, in midsummer of an odd-numbered year. For more than a decade, that has meant that it's 
time for the release of another James Bond film. Not one to disappoint the millions of the fictional British 
secret agent's fans—nor to neglect his private cinematic gold mine—movie mogul Albert R. “Cubby” Broc- 
coli has dished up his 16th Bond movie, Licence to Kill, which should be arriving at vour local moviehouse 
about now. Licence to Kill is a first for Broccoli, in that its title is not taken directly from any of the James 
Bond stories by the late Ian Fleming. Its screenwriters, Michael С. Wilson and Richard Maibaum, did uti- 
lize elements of several Fleming works, including the novella The Hildebrand Rarity, which appeared in 
Playboy in March 1960. In the scenario they created, Bond—played for the second time by Timothy Dal- 


Lewe Th m 


ton—is ousted from the British Secret Service and operates as a free-lance avenger. But for Playboy read- 
ers, Licence to Kill is even more notable for 
another first: It features a Playboy Playmate. Not 
only does Diana Lee, Miss May 1988, play an 
undercover narcotics agent from Hong Kong 
who is trained in the martial arts, she dances in 
the film's exciting title sequence as well. Licence 
to Kill is the first movie job for the graceful 
gatefold girl, who is a professional dancer and 
a graduate student in dance atthe University of 


Utah. “Playboy's modeling agency in Los Ange- 


les sent me to audition for the film,” Diana says, 
"but I was really surprised when I got the part” E 
The job came with its travel perks: location As Diana Lee, she was Miss May 1988 (above). In Licence to Kill, the new 
filming in Mexico and, later, a trip to England James Bond film, she's billed as Diana Lee-Hsu. In private life, she's 
cd Sb fuo dioere Mrs. Stephen Wayda, wife of a Playboy Contributing Photographer. 
to work with Dalton, whom she describes as “great. He's really an intense actor, very much into the Bond role. But what I especially 
enjoyed was doing the stunts. My strong background in movement really helped. Paul Weston, the stunt supervisor—he also dou- 
bles for Bond—coached me, and 1 was able to do all of my own stunts, except for the one in which my character jumps off a build- 
ing. I'd never studied martial arts, either, but now I'm taking kung-fu lessons.” Chuck Norris, look to your laurels. Diana's on a roll. 


Below, Diana as Loti, the “Ninja girl;” in the movie Licence to Kill. At left, she and her partner Kwang (Cary-Hiroyuki 
Tagawa) have Bond (Timothy Dalton) in a bind. Seems they're undercover narcs from Hong Kong, and 007's free- 
lance activities threaten to blow the lid off their operation. After Kwang is killed in an explosion, a vengeful Loti 
disarms a soldier (center), grabs his automatic weapon and (right) sprays a hail of bullets—only to be shot herself. 


“Most of the movie was filmed 
in Mexico, but we shot the title 
sequence in England, at the 
Uxbridge studio,’ Diana re- 
ports. “The man with me in 
the pictures here is Maurice 
Binder, who does alll the titles 
for the Bond films. We tried a 
variety of visual effects—with 
a sheet of water, a fiickering 
strobe light, a revolving ped- 
estal and the smoking gun." 
At right, fantasy in motion: Di- 
ana trails a parachute along a 
beach in Antigua in an exclu- 
sive shooting for Playboy. 


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, 
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Licence to Kill's film makers 
originally had another wom- 
an in mind for the movies 
title sequence, always an 
important ingredient of a 
James Bond thriller. But as 
soon as they had a chance 
to observe Diana's moves in 
her original assignment 
within the film, the role of a 
Ninja assassin/undercover 
agent, the title job was hers 
as well Years of dance 
training, it appears, pay off. 
Above, a film strip from her 
stunning opening routine. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


On these pages, Diana demonstrates 
the litheness of body that led to her 
being cast as Loti, the Ninja girl, in 

cence to Kill, this year's Bond movie. 


"Steve took these shots in Antigua;" 
says Diana. "Playboy chose it be- 
cause it resembles the Florida Keys, 
where part of the movie takes place!” 


VIDEOO: prareor's cuine то BOND ON TAPE 


FILM | DR. NO FROM RUSSIA | GOLDFINGER THUNDERBALL | YOU ONLY LIVE | ON HER DIAMONDS ARE 
(1562) WITH LOVE (1564) (985) TWICE MAJESTY'S FOREVER 
(953) (199) SECRET SERVICE | (571) 
| | (1567) | 
BOND Sem Connery Sean Conrery Seon Connery Seon Connery Seon Connery Genre Lazenby Senn Connery 
BAD GUYS/ D: No, mod Ewosion sc- Number One, oko Emst Aui Gldlinge fol jew- Bolek Eno logo, Belt (Doro Ples- Biel (ely Ын) Bofek (doles Goy) 
BAD GIRLS entst working for SPEC- Stwo Biofeld, head of ely dealer ord gold one-eyed mastrrind of enc) 
TRE on боой of rb Key SPECTRE; Roso elb smuggler; Oddob, Cold- the Thundebol Pim (o 
denyo), buth fingers пме ae похот bombs) 
KGB. цеп; de- bodyguard 
kiler Red 


BOND'S To stop the toppling of To steal the Russion Lek- To stop Goldfinger ftom To recover two stolen To find ond stop whoever To find Bloleld ond stop To find out who is smug- 


MISSION US missles tor decoding machino rendo Fart Mor ro- obm bombs is hiking oting him hom destroying ging diamonds ond why; 
бое Amaicon od Soie globol ecomomy by poi- № stop Blofeld 
poca soring бе кой cops 
MAIN отеу Ryder (ип An- fon: Romorovo (Dor- Pussy Galore (Honor Domino (mure Auger) Коз) Sua (Nie Hama) lees, Contessa di Veen- Тоу Cose (M St John) 
SQUEEZE des) ido Bondi) Вобпо) m, oko. Kg (бото 
Rigg) 
MINOR Syin Tench, fist whose Siva Trench see De А) ELSE Nurse ot Egish spo who 3 mones ogent Ruby тй leno, petty Pen Olde (шш 
SQUEEZES attention Bond wis— befiends Bond in Miami; gies Bond пон; kiled by poson; Hego Боту ifs ot Bells Wood) lf you know Bond 
cong wih £20000—in sisters Mond Tily Nas- Роло Volpe, stopey os- Bund, viloness who cinc women, moin moe 
the coso usn Sitom ю lugo fols for Bond reed be said 


pm cw Everfoifd Moneypenny Ever-foithfd Moneypenny Everfoihful Moneypenny Беаты Moneypenny — Evertcithul Moneypenny Evet-forhful Moreypemy — Eerdoihhl Moneypeny 


OTHER THUGS Professor Dent, с geolo- 
AND MUGS gist woking for Oc No; 
Те Bind M, b- 

тт assassins 


‘lene, Bulgoion пзш- Ling, Red Chinese nudecr 
sh; Kmnsteen, chess scientist 

master who devises theft 

of Lektor decoder 


BOND'S Fol Leto, CIA; Quenol, 
HELPERS loc fisherman 


MODES OF Бейеу 
TRANSPORT 


Karim Boy, Turkish agent Folie Leiter, CA 
‘ond businessman 


Bart; he Orient Er Aston Morti (seo nens 
рез тк) 


Count lippe ond Vago, 
both cinis to Loge: 
Fiona (see wet soles) 


Adon Morin (seo Coll 
fingen); Logos yacıt/hr- 
‚il; woler sleds 


Mr soto, chemiol-firm imm Bunt, stem Gernon Hr Wint ond A Kidd, in- 

boss who works for ossshon to Blofeld seponble poir of kiles 

SPECTRE, Нера Brordt, ‘working for Blofeld; Bom- 

soto shapely secretory bi Thumper, botfirg 
babes 

Tiger Tomoko, head of Draw, bocys father ond Felix Leiter CA, Wilod 


Joponese бепе! Service 


Spoceralt 


herd of Бире cime Wyte, Bell hostage 
syndic 


Maserati; sks; bobsleds ^ Noon buggy 


BOND'S TOYS EEG Mtoché cose with hidden Aston Martin with bullet- Wrist wotch/Geiger wun- Cigurette missiles; itle Sofe openes/copy mo- Fake thurbpints; pocket 


knife, gold coins, rife and prod — glos, 
tex gs 


smoke ter; pocket underwater Nellie (portable one-man chine gun/cimbing kit 
screen, machine guns oil breather; mdioxtwe pil high-speed heavily 


slick, sector sent ond that's a homing device оттай helicopter) 
homing тор 
COUNTRIES Sonica Tukey, dy Switerond; the Usted Bahamas Japon, Ото Swtzerond Egypt, Holnd; йе 
VISITED States United Sttes 
VILLAINS’ D: No: boled im пй Blei unknown; боп: Goldinge: sucked ou oí Blolel escapes: Lore: Blofeld: escapes; бы: ВОЙ: estopes; Bunt: Bolt: unsre (but sue 
OUTCOME che woter; Dent: shot sronged by Bond; Kro- on üipbne window (no shot by Domino; fione: shot by Blofeld; Helgo: escpes һ пет); Bombi ond 
by Bord; Thee Bind steen: Kidd by Kelb smol fs, censdeing his shot by own men whi eoten by pionho (fis Thumper: onested, М 
Mic ied when cor with poisr-fipped bod; size); Oddjob: elecrecut- dancing with Bond; Vo- опе has lo be seen) Vint: blown ur; Mc Kid: 
flies off diff Kebb: shot by Tationa: ed in ће voult at Fort gos: shot by Bond with bumed up 
Kilenu: shot coming ost Кш ўеш gun; Count Lippe: 
of Anta Bbergs bilboad blown up in co 
VILLAINS’ TOYS Diesebdiven "impf; Boot with poison blode: Loser gun, comic bomb, Laos  yodi/hyunioi, Volcano lunch ped: př- Минте nonsmit- Ботил loser solite 
‘rudeor plont for upping strangers woth 08405 meto-ivimmed The Disco Volante vate spacecraft fer; peison for destroy 
rodets hot ing oops 
FIGHTS-TO- 613 702 504 6ю4 955 804 702 
SEX RATIO 
BEST SEXUAL (As they kisi) (As Kerim Bey is wooed (As Bond wotes from un- (As Bond той Dominos [As Bond cuts dress off (As Ruby writes her room (Discussing c change of 
EXCHANGE sw: "When did you badk o bed by his lovs) consciousness) onkle bracelet) Helgo Brand) number in dpi on wigs fom bonde m 
hove to env?" хры т "Wel, beck to mes: “Helo, Im Pussy зов: “My, who shop xm: “Oh, the things | Bord leg) bunette) 
ont: "Almost immediate- Wo sch minos” басе" lite oyes you hove” do for queen and comm- e. "Б amyhing mn: "Which do yu 
y? som “I must be dreom- so “Wai fll you gel b y" wn? рее?” 
ing.” my teeth.” юк “hst o sight stif- me: “Proving fe 
ness coming on." us d аб 
пй...” 


Note: Space limitations forced the omission of two Bond flms mode outside Ihe Broccol series, he spoof Casino Royale (1947) and Never Say Never Again (1983) о remake of Thunderball 


get up to speed for licence to kill with a james bond film festivol, now playing on your ver compiled by Garry Kluger 


LIVE AND THE MAN WITH | THE SPY WHO | MOONRAKER | FOR YOUR EYES | OCTOPUSSY A VIEW TO THE LIVING 
LET DIE THE GOLDEN LOVED ME (979) ONLY (983) A KILL DAYLIGHTS 
(173) GUN (877) (98) (98) (1987) 
(81) | 
Roger Moore. Roger Moore Roger Noore Roger Моше Roger Moore Reger Moore Roger More Timothy Dalton 
Mc Big oka Kongo, Бокко Sfemongn, Kal Shomberg, milon- fuga rox heod of Dror An Hilos Greek smug- Kamol Khan, smooth Eu- Mox orin, genius bust Generol Wl Willer 
island lora cndlero- lm, mem milior-dolor ore who wants to de- idisries ond cerle дег ond dobie ogem ropeon every smuggle; ressnon, е-КС8 oms dede wo wos 
in oder Hi run sto; бе wold ond lunatic who wants lo de Genes Orly tough, Ы- uen шй pud of never in ony omy 
Gedê a new one be- over fhe ter Russian general Nazi genetic engineering 


neath the sea 


To find free Bish Te recover the missing To fnd missing Rusion, Te find Moonraker shurte To recover Bor seet To stop Odor fom cous- 
gens; fo sop Big hom sex ойша (mh Engish and Ameicon «ой and stop Dox fom cdomok erging. ot- 


лїп heroin 


mokes solar power feasi- 
be) 


subs destroying Йе on earth 


tock commuricatur 


ing o rude осет 


To frd cut who is sling To fnd fhe Rıssin delec- 
тїшїр seges ой Tuy Generol Koo, on to 
stap Zin hom destroying lop While rom seling 
Siicon Voley weapons 


Soltis (Loe Seymour) babel (Ert Маш Anyo Атоса Dx Holy Goochead (Los le topussy (Moud Mors ар (nya imc ШШ 


(Gata ioc) es) 


‘Miss Сото, lody whom Айы Andes ы Gil in leg cabin (Sue Corinne Dufour (Corre Bibi Dahl (lym-Haly Miss Magde, assistant fc Nay Doy (Grece Jones), Pretty, bored millonaiess 


Bord questions ntimote- 
ly; Rosie Corver, double 
agent 


A) ed Sm, 
тоа alter "опи" 
Bend 


Vome) o lt Kin and Crops, 


whe 


leis assistant; Р 


pinpoint londing invites ou? of bed; Austi- befriends Bend to steal u Ivonova, Russian ogent 


ee 


‚on Countess List 


precious Fobergé egg 


Ever-foihful Moneypenny  Erer-foithful Moneypenny Ever-fitful Moneypenny Eier Mcneypenny Бего Moneypenny Eve-fothful Moneypenny Erer-foitful Moneypenny Ever fitful Moneypenny 


Whisper Bigs gelatinous Nick Nock, nasty midget; Max Kalba, thief of mi- Chong, typical Fleming, 


Blofeld; Hector Conzdes, Gebinde, Khor large, Moy Doy (see mwe Кобо, sick-toking КСВ. 
тийе 


cide; ee Mee, lis one- Hai Fot, Chinese milion- cro; Fekkesh, his cide; Oientel ossossin; Jaws, Menos foks’ Ме, bearded, d sums De Moe, in leogue wih 
amed henchman; Boron oie Jows (here Kiel) huge steel-bothed monster Emile Lecque, Kistcos henchman; twn cus ako. Hons Glou, ex Mori Whither; Меп, Geman 
Somedi, voodoo figure stee-toathed killer (who keeps popping up) silent oide; Wiegler, Ger- йе throwers who engineered lom  ossossin 
mon skier 

Feli: Leter, OA, Quonel, Leutenont Vip, Cinese General Gogol, p Rus: Мио, Bons ш! Luigi femmu, vun Viuy, Bürleineligence Sr Godfrey ber, Bsh Sounders ВИП open; 
Jc (see De Mo) plie sion bros and moin distacian in agert; Milas Columbo, agent; Soduddn, heod spy disguised as Bonds Pushkin, KGB. heod; 

Ro Greek sruggler of Indian intelligence vet; Chuck lee, CA (атш Shah, Afghon 

ogent resistance lender 
Speedbeots Sinus mod-Ci- Spots cur fot hans inta Motorized gondola/hover Lots fio disguised us onoll- Simp Updoted Ason Morin 
nase junk submarine colt; spoce shuttles соо; асби mijet vith loses ord rodets 

Megnetied buzz saw/ (сех рейши nipple Еа Wist-worch dart gun with None ‚irochp homing device Rng/camera; check im- Key ring/gas bomb ond 
wokh; monster in o ose/mivofiin меме; poisonous ormor-piercing ‘ond microphone; fountain pinter (reprints last check explesive; Aston Morin 
bruh; shok gon with co/submoñine (see soes dts, K-roy sole opener, реп wih ocd ond listen- in checkbook); elechong (see mous ot men) 
compressed. pallets omar) wor sled  speedtont with hang- ing bug; wath wih editor lock opener 

lider escope homing device 
The [шей Stoles; San (отот; Cina egypt; Saino The Usted Sides; boly; рої; tly; Greece; Al- Germany; Ido France; the Uned Stotes бійки; Czechoslovakia; 
Койде Воші бой Mohan; usto; Mo- 

rocco 

Big: blown up wih pallet; Sawanange: shot by a Drac shot by Bond ond Bele dumped into Khon: bown up in own Zain: fol; off Colden Wider. kiled by o 
Comer: shot; Whisper: Bond; Nick Nock: тте} low escoges, Kube: jemsored inh spore, chimney from hekopr оше, Gobinda: fols Gote бобе, May Doy fling ste of Weling- 
tossed into airtight rum, irta о suitcase (Gu) by kiled by Jaws; lees Chong: thrown fom o Kistulos: kiled by off plne dwing fight bowa up foling Lois on; Koskov: sent bock fo 
Sonedi hssed inta Bend; Hoi Fa: shot by killed by Jaws second story bdeary Columbo; Cordes stot with Band; krile twins: plans; Glou: blown up in Russa; Месо: fils off 
snote-iled cofin; Tee Seoramongo (rough a pono] by with crossbow by Melo, kiled with their own Zo bimp tiene 
Hee: tossed off toin Bond; Jows: fols in love, loe ond Wieger knives; Orlov: killed ot 

ums lo good ond es- shoved off diferent diffs West Geman border 

copes 
Underground fh guarded Golden gun, golden bu Oil tenkz/submasne sto- Poison orchids None Yoyo Bode fer kiling Elecnoncally enhanced (оез high-tech weapons 
by voodoo cemetery lets; solor station: co on, underwater complex from obave пое horses 

plane 

485 503 7105 4104 71025 (Bbi=5) — 713 604 7103 


(As Bond lewes Soltaire wary: “Ill keep the wine (When Bond is presented: 


in ted) 
зол: “Is there ony 
time for lesson number 
ће?" 

вис шш No 
sense qim d hol 
coded." 


propery chilled 
юш And everything 


else vom” 


one evening with c 
harem gif) 

юе: “When one is in 
Бур, one should dehe 
берү it its песие" 


love man orbiting space- 
adf, observed an mont 
tor by Minister ond 0) 
коста: “What's Bond do- 
inp 

& “1 fink hes ottampt- 
ing re-entry” 


бое) 
(um. "for your es 
only, dea" 


wem led) 
тез (кети o empty 
wiegins). "| think | 
need refilling. 

воа “OF couse үш 
dos 


(As Bond ond Holly make (As Bond watches Melina (While Magda ond Bond (Bond tells Stacey to be (As Hora entes her dress- 


stil) ing nom) 
sum: ^1 (шїї Do yon mo (kissing hef: “Tou 
Алон what [m siting didi thik ЇЇ miss dis 
ar perfomance, dd yeu?” 
toa (ooking at her bock- 

side): "Im tying rot 

to бий бой!” 


PLACEBO Y 


134 


J O H N CAN DY (continued from page 125) 


“Teach your kids when theyre young. Show them how 
to mix that drink and work that blender.” 


lucky to be here with these people. 

There have been times that a movie 
hasn't done so well and I, personally, have 
done well in the reviews. We refer to that 
as “skating,” from our old SCTV days. It 
doesn't happen that often. It's up to the 
individual critic. It’s based on his taste, 
There have been other cases when the 
movie has gotten great reviews and I've 
gotten killed. They just haven't liked me. 
So it works both ways. 

10. 

PLAYBOY: Explain the snack. 
Само: Snacks are important Im a 
healthy-snack fiend now Your body 
needs fuel all day. We're taught that can- 
dy bars аге a great snack and that they'll 
get you through to dinner. 1 think you 
should graze all day Celery carrots, 
fruits, vegetables. Then blow out every 
now and then on Ding Dongs. 1 can't do 
that anymore. I'm reading more labels. 
than I ever did before. I know that some 
of the things put in there sure dont be- 
long. No more edible oil products for me. 


1t. 


PLAYBOY: For what food produci would 
you consider being a spokesman? 

CANDY: Brussels sprouts. Sure, they give 
you gas, but they're good for you. No- 
body pushes Brussels sprouts. Theyre 
forgotten. They're cute little guys on 
your plate. There's not a lot you can do 
with them. Brussels-sprouts pie. Brus- 
sels-sprouts tarts. Brussels-sprouts pud- 
ding. Stuffed Brussels sprouts. Lima 
beans dont get much publicity, either. 
Nobody pushes summer squash. Jicama. 
Who deals with jicama? A lot of forgotten 
vegetables out there. Its sad. John Candy 
for jicama—"You know, when I wake up 
in the morning, theres nothing like a 
nice fresh slice of jicama. It goes down 
well in the morning, afternoon or 
evening. Heck, we can't keep enough jic 
ma in our house. Eat jicama once a da: 


12. 


rLAYBOY: How does one become a man of 
statur 
canny: By stepping on people, climbing 
that ladder as ruthlessly as possible. Hav- 
ing no feeling toward people whatsoever. 
Planting the tip of your boot firmly in 
someone's eye socket and then kicking 
up. Clawing, begging, stealing. 


13. 


гілувоу: How large is your erotica collec- 
tion and tell us where it’s housed. 


CANDY: It can be seen at the Smithsonian. 
1 was brought up in a Victorian-style 
house. It was very hard to hide the stuff. 
under the mattress. It was very lumpy. 
Actually, it was a relief when I got rid of 
it, because it was uncomfortable. The 
Smithsonian was very glad to get it. They 
hadn't seen one in centuries. It had been 
passed on from Candy to Candy. I'm not 
quite sure how old it was. 

It was harder with children. I had to 
take an apartment. After my second 
child was born, I had a moving van come 
in and take it all. There was a celebrity 
erotica auction for charity to which I gave 
a lot of it. It did quite well. 


M. 


PLAYBOY: Reveal a big man's sex secrets. 
CANDY: Patience. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Tò what extent is size a love 
weapon: 
CANDY: The size of your wallet is very im- 
portant. It should be bulging at all times. 
1 think that usually speaks louder than 
anything else. Green stuff should be 
hanging all over the place. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: When was the last time a woman 
wanted you lor your mind? 

CANDY: A nurseat the hospital was setting 
me up fora CAT scan. She was wearing a 
very revealing outfit. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: How do you juggle being а fa- 
ther and a party monster? 

CANDY: You've got 10 teach your kids when 
they're young. Show them how to mix 
that drink and work that blender. How to 
keep things real cool on ice. Keep that 
fridge stocked. How to use a credit card. 

My daughter has never seen the mud- 
wrestling scene in Stripes. She would 
think it was silly. Just Dad wrestling in 
the mud. It would look kind of fun. 

The two roles are so separate to me. 
We entertain a lot at the house. There's 
always a party going on. The musics up 
and everybody's having a good time. 
Both kids like a lot of people. When my 
daughter was three weeks old, she was at 
a major party. My wife had her in a 
Snugli and the child was having a good 
time. She's all right. The kids have 
logged so many miles between them. 
"They've been on sets. They're little gyp- 
sies. Thats just the lifestyle. They see 
people at their house who are on TV. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: What was a typical menu at your 
parents house? 

canpy: We had a combination of ethnic 
cooking. We lived with my grandparents. 
My grandmother was Polish, so we had a 
lot of cabbage rolls and coffee. There was 
the North American diet and my grand- 
mother would cock that roast until it got 
good and gray. I never knew meat was 
pink until I was twenty-three. Ooooo, 
what's this? Pink. Оосоо, send it back. 
Boil those vegetables down. 

Now my mother cooks Pritikin a lot. In 
summer, theres always stuff from the 
garden. Take-out food. A lot of barbe- 
cues. It depends on the occasion. 

I guarantee you, no onc cvcr walked 
into the house who didn't get fed. There 
were some fine meals. I look back now 
and that house was so small. How could 
twenty people fit in there? We did. There 
were Christmas and New Year's parties. It 
was great. Good memories. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: How rigorous is the John Candy 
workout regimen? 

CANDY: My weight fluctuates drastically. 
I'm trying to keep it on an even keel. Diet 
and exercise are very important in my 
life. My metabolism is slow, so exercise is 
very important for me to burn fat. I can 
eat a normal fifteen-hundred-to-two- 
thousand-calorie-a-day diet and put on 
lots of weight. If I exercise, 1 can keep it 
down. I try to use the treadmill twice a 
day—atleast an hour in the morning and 
an hour in the evening. A cardiovascular 
workout is very important for me. I work 
with weights now. My goal is to learn to 
discipline myself. Ill become a daily 
part of my life. I've never liked exercise. 
Pain was never fun for me. Some people 
get a real kick out of it and 1 respect 
those people. I know what I have to do if 
1 want to lose weight and stay healthy— 
eat a proper diet and exercise. All I've 
got to do is apply it. Therein lies the rub. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: When was the last time you were. 
embarrassed? 

canpy: Eugene and I were flying from 
L.A. to New York on the Splash junket 
and there was an actor who came on 
board whom we knew, and 1 thought it 
was Michael Ontkean, who was in Slap 
Shot. Toward the end of the fight, I went 
over and said, “Jeez, 1 just laughed at 
Slap Shot. | thought you were great in it.” 
He said, “That was Michael Ontkean. I 
was in Missing. I'm John Shea.” Oh. And 
Fugenes laughing. I could die. I was 
fumbling all over the place. And then I 
was in line with him all the way down to 
the baggage claim 


With so 


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Most cigarettes need $100 an hour models, fancy-schmancy 
locations, and all manner of show-biz gimmicks to get your attention. 
We do it with flavor—rich, satisfying tobacco flavor. And, oh yes, 
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THEGENEVA “tr 27 


some... 188 
roo N 
in which u.s. ee ee peto 
nuclear —Kenneth Adelman, 
negotiators pd 
drink and screw Lilla Burt 
their way Cummings 
to accord with nal 
the soviets 
Dorothy Heyser 


Rich blonde 


John Tower 
‚Arms consultant ond negotiator 


“Tower's secretary, 
Susan, her o Му 


By MARK HOSENBALL neca- ts 


ing URS MAU to make love, not mision howe 
war, former Senator John Tower, his ex- hd. ..oKGB 
ecutive secretary Colonel Robert Moser eges bak ot the 
and various Marines, bureaucrats, secre- Мор Hilon lo dance” 
taries and members of the K-G.B. appar- = Наз interview with 
ently made a rollicking party of their Frey Department 
nuclear-arms talks four years ago in 

Geneva. This chart and the drawings 

оп the next two pages are based entirely 

on secret Government documents ob- 

tained by Playboy. We thought it would 

be fun for you to sce your tax dollars and 

Government servants at work, espe- 

cially in the high-pressure, high-prestige 

realm of those nie would preserve our 

world from nuclear destruction. 


“Meses was lso reported as being o 
regule visor to the Pickwick Pub ond 
Jimmy’ Bor in Genevo, both known КСВ. 
hangouts. [Arms Corirol ond 

Dsormament Agency investigator Berne] doll 


1 b id, “There have been u number 
Strange love, indeed. "PU Seded isi Soar LM 
jn Geneva pellere 
Sar B. ipia то 
THE TANGLED WEB Pay thrower US erem Hongo 
SUPERVISORY mE 
кш 
soc > 
ee 


ALLEGED BUT SONS Paty pooper 
UNPROVEN ESPIONAGE N D lí “On M August 1985, the Pickwick Pub, Geneva, was placed ‘off limits’ by the 

EEE). Marine Guard detochment commander for patronage by members of the U.S. Marines, 
ACCUSATORY E ice of Specol Investigations, United Stoles ir Force, March 21, 1966 
заш. < жаў q 777 
ALLEGED BUT оао 
Mera AUS A EEE ENS 


Arrow color indicates type of relationship. 
One-way arrow indicoles unrequited lust, su- 
pervisory role or attempted espionage. 


"name chonged 


THE INVESTIGATORS _ 


PASTY Ber nc VE 
US counterinteligence euh who reported 


E digs on Anean delegan 


Of earlier estopodes, Moser said, "These were 
‚never offoirs; they were entounters. Some I'm 
not proud ol, however, I will state that in eoh 

ond every instonce, my wife was were of them.” 

Max p —Moxer's interview with Energy Department 

negotiator Миз. Moser 

wife 
of Colonel Moser 


"1 regord [Mor] 
service 0s oulstanding 
Maser's 
dental 
Colonel Robert Moser hygienist 
Executive secretory to John Tower Oral, 
sexud therapist 
Barbara 
Congressional 
observer 
lo oms 
delegation 
Patti* 
Senvolly harassed 
secretory lo Maser [om 
“There were men conto nies 
бойга” 
in ond c ноот Soviet-bloc ties 
with Energy Deporimert to 


Secretary 
"Shredder" 


Forced to 
work overtime, 
dowment destroyer 

didn get the joke: "rick 
Union had the polenal for He called in security ey Es 
developing into o major sondol о interrogate Chiefs office, 
‘ond causing йон embarrass Pati forget of | 
ment lo . . . the State Deport Moses "dildagrom" 
тей ond the Air Force” Demidov 
investigative report, Another 
US Ove of cue КОВ thug 
Personnel Management 


Nicholas Rostow 
Intinidoted 
Potti before 
testimony 


on Tower 


=z The SE 

Espianoge boit 
AN Sn 
А congressional source says that ће CIA tracked suspected female K.C.B. agents though 10 be targeted on US. delegotion members. 


Colonel Moser reportedly told Max 
Kompelmon ond John Tower that he 
“was not going to be the morol scape- 
goat for the sexvol escapodes of the 
entire delegotion." He colls these “a 
few exomples" of their dollionces. 

“A morried Air Force colonel is hav- 
ing an offoir with o secretory of the 
heod of the NST [Nuclear ond Space 
Talks] delegation. 

“A married Air Force colonel . . 
had a prolonged affair (over one 
year) with a married woman on the 
ACDA administrative staff. 

“A divorced Air Force colonel . . . 
had an cffoir with the wife of a Stote 
Department communicotor. 

^A married Army colonel . . . had 
sexual relations with vorious foreign 
nationals. 

“A morried Army colonel . . . dis- 
robed in front of several . . . secre- 
taries. 

“A married Air Force lieutenant 
colonel is having an affair with a mor- 
ried Defense ond Space Talks negoti- 
ating-group secretory (now off the 
delegation). 

^A morried Army lieutenont colonel 
(now off the delegation) hod on offoir 
with o secretory of the START nego- 
tiator. 

“A married Army lieutenant colonel 
(now getting divorced) had an affair 


WÊ vith o married special assistant 


МАА. (now getting divorced) to the 
START negotiator. 

“A married Army lieu- 
tenant colonel . . . hod on. 
affair with a secretory of 
the head of the old INF 
delegation and ollowed 
himself to be photo- 
grophed in a very com- 
promising position. 

“A married GS-14 CIA 
employee . . . had an affair 
with the some secretary ond 
allowed himself to be pho- 
tographed as well. 
^A married Stote Deportment 
employee . . . is having an affair 
with a married secretary of the INF 
deputy negotiator 

"A married GS-14 DIA [Defense 
Intelligence Agency] employee had 
sexual relotions with o morried De- 
fense and Spoce Tolks negotiating- 
group secretory.“ 


THE INVESTIGATORS 


from our very own government's files 


NUCLEAR 
NEGOTIATORS 
AT 
WORK 
AND 
PLAY 


“In general, the sociol otmosphere in Geneva was very lax. [At a] well-known beer bash ot 


the Pickwick [Pub] . . 


certain delegation members and support personnel got smoshed with 


the Marines. It was stated that it was so disgusting that nat many people wanted to discuss it 
but that certain people drank from o delegation member's shoe and that several delegation 


personnel hernme very sirk "Ранї mema tn Office nf Special Investigatinns US A E 


ENERGY DEPARTMENT secueny oncer: When you 
referred ta “manstrasity,” | take it we were 
talking about the [dauble-headed, two-fact 
long] dilda. 

coroner moser: Yes. 

scumy orecer: This was to be a gag gift 
ta о Joint Chiefs of Staff afficer? 

mostr: Yes. . . . We would always pass this 
place, Le Sex Shappe. . . - This guy . . . was a 
real prick in the eyes af a lat af people, OK? | 
—Moser interview with Energy Deportment 


“John Grossle, the Geneva Security Officer, told [ACDA investigator Berne] Indahl that Am- 


bassadar Tawer's wife threw [Tower] aut in February 1986 because af his involvement with his 
secretaries ond Grassle helped Ambassador Tower find an apartment in o hatel in Geneva after 
Tower's wife had ejected him from their home. Ambassadar Tower resigned a short time loter 


and returned ta Texas." —investigotive report, U.S. Office af Personnel Management 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVE BROONER 


“Mrs. Tower was making a scene ot the Marine 
desk. 1. . . leoned over the rail to see whot wos 
going on. 1 sow Louro and Mrs. Tower arguing. | 
osked [Laura] why she put up with that. She stated, 
"For Ambossador Tower, | put up with this all of the 
time; “—memo from Patti to Office of Special In- 


vestigotions, U.S.A.F, April 8, 1986 


"Colonel Moser asked me on several 
occosions to hove sex. | reolize thot this 
will be hord to prove, since it was all done 
in the secure conference room or in o сог 
in Genevo.“—seauol-haressment com- 

int to Equal Employment Opportunity 
Office, The Pentogon, Janvary 3, 1986 


"1 destroyed only one drowerful 
of stuff. And | hate to use the com- 
parison here, but it was sort cf like 
Ollie North. I left the delegotior's 
secretory there shredding, and | Ar 
went, because time is voluoble. I 
went back up in an hour ond the 
shredder had jammed.”—Moser 
interview with Energy Department, 
September 30, 1987 


"The lifestyles of o number of people, including the ronk of am- 
bassodor, ore neither below mine пог obove mine, [they] are simi- Е 
lar. Since most people ore owore that that goes on in Genevo, ond y S 
that it affects oll parts of the delegation from the lowest to the 
highest levels, I dort think ony of them ore subject to block- 
meil."—Moser interview with Energy Department 


PLAYBOY 


140 


LIVING 47 WOMEN (continued from page 84) 


“Emotional dexterity is all. Thats why she stands a 
good chance of winning any argument. Fortunately . . ." 


SPEECH AND SILENCE. 


Conversation provides the locomotive 
power for most relationships. It must be as- 
sumed that you had something in common 
before you started sharing the TV. So talk 
with her. Better yet, listen to her. 

But remember: You have the right to re- 
main silent. You don't have to spill 
your guts all over the kitchen floor every 
night after work. This is your home, not 
the set of Oprah. 

Everybody likes a little reassurance now 
and then, but don't make your girlfriend 
do heavy lifting by trying to boost your 


sagging self-esteem. Remember, she’s your 
lover, not your shrink. 


FEELINGS, NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS 


Just as bad money drives out good, so 
bad emotions drive out worthy ones. 
Jealousy is a decent emotion, a sort of 
barometer of investment. Kept in perspec- 
tive, it both reassures and comforts. Nur- 
ture it, though, and it grows like a 
radioactive rodent and eats you alive in the 
night. If groundless jealousy has gotten 
the best of you, theres something else 
wrong—likely some weirdness you're culti- 


“No, I don’t know anything about a burglary, but—hey!—it’s 
great to know you guys are out there and on the job!” 


vating—and you're ignoring it. If you have 
grounds for jealousy, then you have 
grounds for a confrontation. 

Anger is our friend. Shake hands with 
your temper and get to know it well 
enough to control it if you quarrel with 
your lover. Letting off a little steam isn't al- 
ways a bad thing (but see below). However, 
if the only way you can manifest anger is 
physically, then get help. 

Depression: Every now and then, you or 
your lover will wake up to the existential 
cancer that gnaws at all of us. You become 
sullen and sore and really unpleasant com- 
pany. When a woman does this, you'll feel 
somehow responsible. You're not. You can't 
make someone else happy. Period. 

If your lover is unhappy, let her solve her 
own problem. The best way to deal with 
the unhappiness of your partner is to offer 
a good ear and almost no advice. Or get 
out of the way. Dont always volunteer to 
take it personally. Life's a bitch. 


RULES OF COMBAT 


Some simple battle plans: 

+ Dont go blindly into battle. Fighting, aft- 
er all, is not worth while unless you are 
clear about what you wish to gain. 

* Cloak yourself in dignity and reason with 
a sense of lau. Don't raise your voice except 
to steer the argument in a reasonable di- 
rection. State as often as necessary the is- 
sue being argued; make sure youre 
fighting about the right thing and not 
about some silly misdemeanor. Men do 
pretty vell at logic, while women do better 
at intuition. Therefore, when you fight, 
your job is not only to argue your case but 
also, in a way, to help her argue hers. Lis- 
ten to what she has to say. 

* Dont bother refuting every point. This 
isn't a debate, it’s a fight. Facts will get you 
nowhere. Emotional dexterity is all. That's 
why she stands a good chance of winning 
any given argument. Fortunately. . . 

» Fights aren't about winning They're like 
nuclear war, complete with mutually as- 
sured destruction if things escalate too far. 
So, at the first opportunity, you should 
turn the fight into a conversation, then 
guide it to a resolution that will involve a 
mutual compromise. What's the point of 
winning, anyway? Most relationships have 
only one or two nonnegotiable points— 
having children, maybe, and fidelity, prob- 
ably. After that, who cares, really? Give in 
whenever you feel it is just and right, and 
don't if you think doing so will endanger 
your relationship. 

* Don't hit. Ever. No matter what. 


SEX 


Fighting is often what you do when 
you're too tired for sex. Do not confuse 
them. They only look and sound the same. 

Dont leave all the responsibilities of ro- 
mance to her. You ove it to yourself and to 
your lover to try to make some sexual en- 
counters more electric than others. Make it 
a point to talk about sex every now and 


then; create expectations and allow for a 
little drama. 

Frequency: Sex has long been a source of 
fascination for st; ians, who, after all, 
probably have a limited sex life, anyway. 
But the numerical value of sexual frequen- 
cy has aquality that beguiles us all, since it 
tells us how we're doing. 

Once Dan Rather was beaten up on the 
street by two strangers who kept asking, 
“Kenneth, what is the frequency? Ken- 
neth, what is the frequency?” Rather was 
unable to come up with the answer: 24 
times per week, though that 4 will proba- 
bly come up as often as the two. Dont wor- 
ry about it. You'll know instantly if your 
frequency should be lower or if you should 
be aiming for something truly supersonic. 


PRIVACY 


ine of sight: You're in for big trouble if 
you find that you have to keep your сус on 
your sweetie simply because there's no 
place else to look. Insist on privacy when 
you need it, and don't intrude on hers. 

* Separate but equal: Use privacy in your 
home to enhance your individuality, If 
your partner doesn't demand much priva- 
су, give her more than she asks for. 

* Bathroom etiquette: Don't try to become 
as one in the bathroom. One at a time; 
don't allow her to shit while you shave. 


HOUSEWORK, 


Careful here. Part of the deal with which 
you were seduced involved all that domes- 
tic-bliss action, remember? All those won- 
derful visions of hot dinners served on a 
clean table? 

* Born to bea bachelor: W it turns out that 
the price you pay for domestic bliss is 
heavy housework, make your bargain with 
clear vision. If part of your domestic rou- 
tine involved deaning kitchens and the 
like before she moved in, then you're 
bound to do your part thereafter, But if 
you were always sloppy and liked it, stay 
that The limit here, of course, is one 
of consideration: If you were born a slob, 
don't take advantage of your birthright. 

*The exception: the trash. Men were 
born to take out the trash. Figuratively, 
literally. 


TIME TOMOVEON 


When you live with a woman, you are on 
a date that has no goodnight kiss, no clam- 
my front-door handshake. But it’s only a 
date. There are always other options—oth- 
er places to live, other people to live with. 
When its time to move on, the exit signs 
are obvious; You resent her presence ar 
look forward to her absences and abhor 
the sound of her voice and marvel that she 
ever looked good cnough to make you 
make a fool of yourself. 

On the other hand, if you've been judi- 
ciousin your choice of live-in lover, you just 
may want to alter the relationship slightly. 
In fact, you just may want to marry her. 


x MERE 


lime distillery M not. we hape to sec you one of these days. 


JACK DANIELS DISTILLERY is a peaceful place 


where older men talk and younger men listen. 


Hae you ever vite ou 


Life is slower in the Tennessee hills, so there's 
plenty of time for conversation. We like it that 
way, because our veteran employees = 
can teach all they know to newer men 
breaking in. You see, each of our 
oldtimers are aware of the standards 
Jack Daniel himself sec down. And 
after a sip of our whiskey, you'll 
know why we don’t want them 
forgotten. 


SMOOTH SIPPIN’ 
WEN NIESS ENE NIBUS IE 


Tennessee Whiskey = 40-43% alcohel by volume (80-86 гоо) = Distiled and Botled by 
Jack Daniel Distillery. Lem Motlow. Proprietor, Route 1. Lynchburg (Poo 361). Tennessee 37352 


141 


PLAYBOY 


(continued from page 104) 
Diddums; you're just the messenger here. 
You think you know my job better than 
Ido?” 

I know I do, Dortmunder thought, but it 
didn't seem a judicious thing to say aloud, 
so instead, he explained, “I just want 
things to go smooth, that's all. I just don't 
want bloodshed. And I was thinking, The 
New York City police, you know, well, 
they've got helicopters.” 

“Damn,” the robber said. He crouched 
low to the littered floor, behind the broken 
doorframe, and brooded about his situa- 
tion. Then he looked up at Dortmunder 
and said, “OK, Diddums, you're so smart. 
What should we do?” 

Dortmunder 
blinked. “You want 
me to figure out 
your getaway?” 

“Put yourself in 
our position,” the 
robber suggested. 
“Think about it.” 

Dortmunder nod- 
ded. Hands in the 
air, he gazed at the 
blocked intersection 
and put himself in 
the robbers’ posi- 
tion. “Hoo, boy” he 


said. “You're in a 
real mess.” 

“We know that, 
Diddums." 


“Well,” Dortmun- 
der said, “I tell you 
what maybe you 
could do. You make 
them give you one 
of those buses 
they've got down 
there blocking the 
street. They give 
you one of those 
buses right now, 
then you know they 
haver't had time to 
put anything cute in 
it, like time-release 
tear-gas grenades or 
anyth——" 

“Oh, my God,” the robber said. His black 
ski mask seemed to have paled slightly. 

“Then you take all the hostages,” Dort- 
munder told him. “Everybody goes in the 
bus, and one of you people drives, and you 
go somewhere real crowded, like Times 
Square, say, and then you stop and make 
all the hostages get out and run.” 

“Yeah?” the robber said. “What good 
does that do us?” 

“Well,” Dortmunder said, "you drop the 
ski masks and the leather jackets and the 
guns, and you run, too. Twenty, thirty peo- 
ple all running away from the bus in dif- 
ferent directions, in the middle of Times 


142 Square in rush hour, everybody losing 


themselves in the crowd. It might work." 

“Jeez, it might,” the robber said. "OK, go 
ahead and—— What?" 

"What?" Dortmunder echoed. He 
strained to look leftward, past the vertical 
column of his left arm. The boss robber 
was in excited conversation with one of his 
pals; not the red-cyed maniac, a different 
one. The boss robber shook his head and 
said, “Damn!” Then he looked up at Dort- 
munder. "Come back in here, Diddums,” 
he said. 

Dortmunder said, “But don’t you want 
me to—" 

“Come back in here!” 

“Oh,” Dortmunder said. “Uh, I better 
tell them over there that I’m gonna move.” 


“Make it fast,” the robber told him. 
“Don't mess with me, Diddums. I'm in a 
bad mood right now.” 

“OK.” Turning his head the other way, 
hating it that his back was toward this bad- 
mooded robber for even a second, Dort- 
munder called, “They want me to go back 
into the bank now. Just for a minute.” 
Hands still up, he edged sideways across 
the sidewalk and through the gaping door- 
way, where the robbers laid hands on him 
and flung him back deeper into the bank. 

He nearly lost his balance but saved him- 
self against the sideways-lying pot of the 
tipped-over Ficus. When he turned 
around, all five of the robbers were lined 
up looking at him, their expressions in- 


\ OTRON 
STATE OF THE ART IN BIOTECHNOLOGY 


tent, focused, almost hungry, like a row of 
cats looking in a fish-store window. "Uh," 
Dortmunder said. 

"He's it now,” one of the robbers said. 

Another robber said, “But they don't 
know ii 

A third robber ‘They will soon.” 

“They'll know it when nobody gets on 
the bus,” the boss robber said, and shook 
his head at Dortmunder. "Sorry, Diddums. 
Your idea doesnt work anymore. 

Dortmunder had to keep reminding 
himself that he wasnt actually part of this 
string. “How come?” he asked. 

Disgusted, one of the other robbers said, 
"The rest of the hostages got away, that's 
how come." 


Wide-eyed, Dort- 
munder spoke with- 
out thinking: “The 
tunnel!” 

All of a sudden, it 
got very quiet in the 
bank. The robbers 
were now looking at 
him like cats look- 
ing at a fish with no 
window in the way 
“The tunnel?” re- 
peated the boss rob- 
ber slowly “You 
know about the tun- 
nel?” 

“Well, kind of” 
Dortmunder admit- 
ted. “1 mean, the 
guys digging it, they 
got there just before 
you came and took 
me away" 

“And you never 
mentioned it.” 

“Well,” Dortmun- 
der said, very un- 
comfortable, *‘] 
didn't feel like 1 
should." 

The red-eyed ma- 
niac lunged for- 
ward, waving that 
submachine gun 
again, yelling, 
“You're the guy with 
the tunnel! It’s your 
tunnel!" And he pointed the shaking bar- 
rel of the Uzi at Dortmunder's nose. 

“Easy, easy!" the boss robber yelled. 
“This is our only hostage; don't use him 
up!” 

The red-eyed maniac reluctantly low- 
ered the Uzi, but he turned to the others 
and announced, “Nobody's gonna forget 
when I shot up the switchboard. Nobody's 
ever gonna forget that. He wasn't here!” 

All of the robbers thought that over. 
Meantime, Dortmunder was thinking 
about his own position. He might be a 
hostage, but he wasn't your normal 
hostage, because he was also a guy who 
had just dug a tunnel to a bank vault, and 
there were maybe 30 eyeball witnesses who 


“Why, Caleb, this is so sudden!” 


143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


could identify him. So it wasn't enough to 
get away from these bank robbers; he was 
also going to have to get away from the po- 
lice. Several thousand police. 

So did that mean he was locked to these 
second-rate smash-and-grabbers? Was his 
own future really dependent on their get- 
ting out of this hole? Bad news, if true. 
Left to their own devices, these people 
couldn't escape from a merry-go-round 

Dortmunder sighed, "OK," he said. 
“The first thing we have to do is. 

"We?" the boss robber said. "Since when 
are you in this?” 

“Since you dragged me in,” Dortmunder 
told him. “And the first thing we have to 
do is—— 

The red-eyed maniac lunged at him 
again with the Uzi, shou “Dorit you 
tell us what to do! We know what to do!" 

“Tm your only hostage,” Dortmunder 
reminded him. “Don’t use me up. Also, 
now that I’ve seen you people in action, I'm 
your only hope of getting out of here. So 
this time, listen to me. The first thing we 
have to do is close and lock the vault door.” 

One of the robbers gave a scornful 
laugh. “The hostages are gone,” he said. 
“Didn't you hear that part? Lock the vault 
door after the hostages are gone. Isn't that 
some kind of old saying?” And he laughed 
and laughed. 

Dortmunder looked at him. "It's a two- 
way tunnel,” he said quietly. 

The robbers stared at him. Then they 
all mrned and ran toward the hack of the 
bank. They all did. 

They're too excitable for this line of 
work, Dortmunder thought as he walked 
briskly toward the front of the bank. Clang 
went the vault door, far behind him, and 
Dortmunder stepped through the broken 
doorway and out again to the sidewalk, re- 
membering to stick his arms straight up in 
the air as he did 

“Hit” he yelled, sticking his face well 
out, displaying it for all the sharpshooters 


Akal 


to get a really good look at. “Hi, its me 
again! Diddums! Welsh!” 

“Diddums!” screamed an enraged voice 
from deep within the bank. “Come back 
here!” 

Oh, no. Ignoring that, moving steadily 
but without panic, arms up, face forward, 
eyes wide, Dortmunder angled leftward 
across the sidewalk, shouting, “I'm coming 
out again! And Im escaping!” And he 
dropped his arms, tucked his elbows in 
and ran hell for leather toward those 
blocking buses. 

Gunfire encouraged him: sudden burst 
behind him of ddrrritt, ddrrritt, and then 
hopp-kopp-hopp, and then a whole sympho- 
ny of fooms and thug-thugs and padapa 
Dortmunder's toes, turning into high 
sion steel springs, kept him boundi 
through the air like the Wright brothers” 
first airplane, swooping and plunging 
down the middle of the street, that wall of 
buses getting closer and closer. 

“Here! In here!” Uniformed cops ap- 
peared on both sidewalks, waving to him, 
offering sanctuary in the forms of open 
doorways and police vehicles to crouch be- 
hind, but Dortmunder was escaping. From 
everything. 

The buses. He launched himself 
through the hit the blacktop hard and 
rolled under the nearest bus. Roll, roll, 
roll, hitting his head and elbows and knees 
and ears and nose and various other parts 
of his body against any number of hard, 
dirty objects, and then he was past the bus 
and on his feet, staggering, staring at a lot 
of goggle-eyed medics hanging around be- 
side their ambulances, who just stood. 
there and gawked back. 

Dortmunder turned left. Medics weren't 
going to chase him; their franchise didn't. 
include healthy bodies running down the 
street. The cops couldn't chase him until 
they'd moved their buses out of the way. 


СФ 


(m) 


"That cloud, too? Gee, Harvey, what doesnt 
vemind you of oral sex?" 


Dortmunder took off like the last of the 
dodoes, flapping his arms, wishing he 
knew how to fly 

The out-of-business shoe store, the oth. 
er terminus of the tunnel, passed on his 
left. The getaway car they'd parked in 
front of it was long gone, of course. Dort- 
munder kept thudding on, on, on. 

Three blocks later, a gypsy cab commit- 
ted acrime by picking him up even though 
he hadn't phoned the dispatcher first; in 
the city of New York, only licensed medal- 
lion taxis are permitted to pick up cus- 
tomers who hail them on the street. 
Dortmunder, panting like a Saint Bernard 
on the lumpy back seat, decided not to 
turn the guy in. 


. 

His faithful companion May came out of 
the living room when Dortmunder opened 
the front door of his apartment and 
stepped into his hall. "There you are!" she 
said. “Thank goodness. It's all over the ra- 
dio aud the television." 

“1 may never leave the house again," 
Dortmunder told her. “If Andy Kelp ever 
calls, says he’s got this great job, easy, piece 
of cake, ГЇЇ just tell him Гуе retired.” 

“Andy's here,” May said. “In the living 
room. You wanta beer?” 

“Yes.” Dortmunder said simply: 

May went away to the kitchen and Dort- 
munder limped into the living room, 
where Kelp was seated on the sofa holding 
a can of beer and looking happy On the 
coffee table in front of him was a mountain 
of money. 

Dortmunder stared. “What's that?” 

Kelp grinned and shook his head. “It’s 
been too long since we scored, John,” he 
said. “You don't even recognize the stuff 
anymore. This is money" 

“But—— From the vault? How?" 

"After you were taken away by those 
other guys—they were caught, by the way," 
Kelp interrupted himself, “without loss of 
life—anyway, 1 told everybody in the vault 
there, the way to keep the money safe from. 
the robbers was we'd all carry it out with 
us. So we did. And then I decided what we 
should do is put it all in the trunk of my 
unmarked police car in front of the shoe 
store, so I could drive it to the precinct for 
safekeeping while they all went home to 
rest from their ordeal.” 

Dortmunder looked at his friend. He 
said, “You got the hostages to carry the 
money from the yault.” 

“And put itin our car,” Kelp said. “Yeah, 
that’s what I did.” 

May came in and handed Dortmunder a 
beer. He drank deep, and Kelp said, 
"They're looking for you, of course. Under 
that other name.” 

May said, “That's the one thing I don't 
understand. Diddums?" 

“Its Welsh,” Dortmunder told her. Then 
he smiled upon the mountain of money on 
the coffee table. “It's not a bad name,” he 
decided. “I may keep it.” 


FIRE & FEAR 


(continued from page 122) 
he said. shit. One minute you're 
here, the next you're gone. 

When I got home that night, there were 
a number of messages next to my bed. One 
read: DON KING CALLED. PLEASE CALL HIM 
WHENEVER YOU GET HOME. AT ANY TIME. When 
1 returned the call, King pressed me for 
the detai |—date, place, 
time—and my flight number going out to 
Los Angeles, where the services would be 
held. 

The following day at EK. Airport in 
New York, the conspicuous figure of Don 
King could be seen making its way to the 
American Airlines terminal. In the VIP. 
room, King em- 
braced cach of us: 
Tyson, Loraine Ja 
cobs, Bill and Doris 
Cayton, Steve Lott 
and Kevin Rooney. 
Most of us were 
wondering why he 
was there. 

Givens and Roper, 
on the other hand, 
were nowhere to be 
seen. They had de- 
cided not to attend 
the funeral 

When we arrived. 
at LA X., Tyson had 
some trouble get- 
ting a limo right 
away. "These people 
dont know how to 
deal with this kid," 
King complained, 
but loud enough for 
only me and Tyson 
to hear. “There 
should have been 
not one but a couple 
of limousines wait- 
ing for the champ 
before you people got 
here, I'll tell you 
something, Muham- 
mad Ali never wa 
ed this long in any 
airport. Never!” 

King was à master 
opportunist, and sowing subtle seeds of 
doubt and suspicion was just one weapon: 
in his psychological arsenal. He was never 
averse to using unorthodox methods if 
they got him somewhere. Although an un- 
invited guest, he seemed to fit in with the 
mourning party. Of course, he himself had 
no trouble arranging for a proper con- 
veyance from the airport. He even had 
space for whoever had been “careless 
enough" not to be prepared. After a few 
idle minutes, we were all on our way to the 
Beverly Hilton. 

On the morning of the funeral, King 
and | ate at a restaurant near the hotel. He 
seemed to be testing my loyalty to the 
ljson crew and expressed reservations 


about Givens and her mother. He wasn't 
sure how to secure a place in ‘Tysons fu- 
ture. Accustomed to maneuvering tough 
men in a rough game, King had to be care- 
ful. Givens and her mother weren't pup- 
pets; they had minds of their own. 

"Three thousand miles away, in fact, the 
pair was hard at work. While Tyson and his 
entire boxing family mourned Jacobs, 
mother and daughter were visiting the 
Merrill Lynch office, this time exhibiting 
power-ofattorney papers authorized by 
‘Tyson. Again, they met with strong resist- 
ance from Brady, and a clamorous shout- 
match resulted. “I want my money! 
Where is my money?” Givens yelled. 
re one of Cayton's boys. We're going 
our money out of here. 


English 
Leath 


In early May 1988, the undisputed 
heavyweight champion of the world was a 
bit too heavy. He'd been eating an enor- 
mous amount and was wearing it poorly. 
His 20-inch neck now seemed to be part of 
his back, and he was walking differently. 
He had no respect for his next opponent, 
Michael Spinks. Consequently, he wasn't. 
training hard. 

Shelly Finkel, a fight manager and 
friend of Jim Jacobs, told me that after Ja- 
cobs’ funeral, King had tried to talk Mike 
out of the Spinks fight, saying, “I can give 
you five casy matches for five million each 

nstead.” What King had failed to mention 
was that the five matches would be against 


boxers he and his son controlled. 

Tyson had answered, “Why should I take 
five easy fights when 1 can make the same 
amount of money in one easy match 

Tyson's lack of respect for Spinks, along 
with all the other distractions in his boxing 
family, lent a carnival atmosphere to the 
preparations for the richest fight of his ca- 
reer. The media frenzy intensified on May 
8, 1988, when ‘Tyson, in the company of 
Givens, was driving his silver Bentley on 
Varick Street in downtown Manhattan. He 
lost control and hit two parked cars 0 
Port Authority cops quickly arrived on the 
scene, and ‘Tyson handed over the keys to 
his $185,000 automobile in an attempt, 
some would say later, to smooth things 
over. Reporters had a field day speculating 
about the reason for 
‘Tyson's largess, as 
well as the cause of 
the accident itself. 

I asked Mike 
about the wreck 
soon after it hap- 
pened. “Tell me the 
real story behind 
the car you gave the 


cops? | said. “I 
heard you had a 
fight with Robin 


when she found con- 
doms in your pocket 
and, as a result, you 
crashed against a 
parked car. I know 
youre not fnoling 
around. Why did 
you have the con- 
doms?" 

“Its funny" Mike 
told me. "No one 
would believe the 
story" He had been 
making a commer- 
cial that day and 
wanted to have a 
quiet dinner with 
Robin afterward, “A 
friend of mine was 
carrying these con- 
doms and he said to 
me, 'Hold on to 
these so 1 won't get 
into trouble. I'm se- 
Honest truth. My friend gave me the 
condoms because he didn't want his wife or 
girlfriend—whoever it was—to bust 
him with the condoms.” 

“And you put them in your pocket?" 

“Thats right,” said the champ. They 
were at dinner “and my wife went into my 
pocket to take some money and she found 
the condoms. You know, there are some sit- 
i when the truth just wont work. I 
had to lie because the truth just didn't 
sound like the truth." He closed his eyes. 
I had to lie like 7 was cheating. It killed 
me, because I'm lying to myself and to 
her. It hurt. I'm lying to myself! I'm saying 
to myself, I didnt screw anybody. If Im 
going to make love, it would be to her. But 


er. 


MS 


PLAYBOY 


M6 


then she hit me.” 

“She what?” I said. “Where?” 

ın my face. Сап I tell you somethin’? 
МУ sweet, loving wife doesn't take any 
shit.” 

They left the restaurant quietly, but 
e knew she was fuming. He was nerv- 
ous. “As I was driving,” he said, “I saw a 
cat in the middle of the street and I 
swerved to the right and bang! I hit a 
parked car and also two guys who were 
near the car——" 

“Wait a minute; you hit two guys, two 
human beings?” 

“Yes,” he said, “I hit one guy; he hurt his 
arm and I gave him five hundred bucks 
and he ran to the ОТВ. parlor near there. 
Then the cops came and I signed auto- 
graphs, and they got rid of the other guy 
hit, so he won't bother me. 

“Then I told the officers, ‘Whitey don't 
think you can own these kind of cars, be- 
cause you're black, right? I want you to 
keep this one,’ I didn't want them to ask for 
my driver's license. I don't have one. So be- 
fore I could panic, I said, ‘Fuck it. The car 


is not worth shit. Take it! And I gave it to 
them. I dont think it's their fault they took 
the car. It was my fault. 

"You know" he continued, "as they 
drove away, I started to think, They are 
two; how in hell are they gonna split the 
fucking car in half?” 


. 

June 1988 was a month of torment for 
the heavyweight champion. Roper and 
Givens joined the all-too-public struggle 
for control of Tyson that was being waged 
between King and Cayton. 

On Wednesday, June 15, King and his 
black limousine were waiting for me in 
front of the Trump Plaza, in New York. 1 
had recently warned Tyson not to sign an 
exclusive contract with anyone, promoter 
or otherwise, and King was angry with me. 
“We lost the chance of our lives,” he grum- 
bled. “I wanna know why you told Mike 
not to sign the contract with me.” 

How could I tell a friend of mine who 
happened to be the world heavyweight 
champion to sign an exclusive contract? 


“Wow! Hat by Calvin Klein, trench coat by Ralph 
Lauren and gloves by Perry Ellis!" 


“You'd be giving ammunition to Cayton 
by signing that exclusive contract,” I told 
King. 

Legal matters? I handle that. That's my 
business,” he said, shaking his head in dis- 
gust. "We had Лузоп, and because of you, 
we lost him.” 

“You mean you lost him,” I clarified 

“You know very well, José," he said, “that 
the Jews want to control Tyson. . . the Ja- 
cobses, the Caytons, the Finkels. You know 
it.” 


D 

The next morning, 1 visited Tyson at his 
penthouse with my tape recorder. It was 
around ten am. and he was in the kitchen, 
sitting at a small table, leafing through the 
morning newspapers. Kevin Rooney was 
next to him; Steve Lou was in the living 
room. 

“How do you feel?" I asked Tyson, who 
moved his head from to side. “Any- 
thing wrong?" I asked. “I didn't like that 
wordless answer." 

“I feel like killing someone" he 
snapped, his face contorted with anger. 

“Thats good," I said. "That's the way 
you should feel two weeks before an im- 
portant fight.” 

“I don't mean it that way I mean, I'm go- 
ing to kill someone, maybe today. Please 
visit me in jail.” 


. 

Finally, after all the ballyhoo, all the gos- 
sip, all the tension, June 27 mercifully ar- 
rived. A mixed crowd—show-business 
personalities, high rollers and hustlers— 
overwhelmed the front seats, with only a 
scattering of boxing people among them. I 
visited the dressing room and was im- 
pressed by Tysons self-confidence. He 
seemed almost too much at ease. 

When the boxers were finally in the 
ring, Tyson looked at Spinks's eyes. He saw 
panic. For Tyson, the last seconds before 
the bell—waiting to justify that panic— 
were probably more of a hardship than the 
fight itself. It was the biggest mismatch Га 
ever seen in a championship fight. 

A few days later, 1 was watching televi- 
sion and heard comedian Jackie Gayle de- 
scribe the most intriguing aspect of the 
fight. "Don King and Donald Trump shook 
hands on the fight," he said. "It will take 
five years to find out who's the screwer and 
who's the screwee." 


. 

Early last September, Tyson drove his 
BMV into a tree—in a suicidal panic, or 
not, depending on whom you listen to. He 
fell unconscious for a time and was rushed 
away by ambulance. When the champ was 
installed in Columbia-Presbyterian Medi- 
cal Center in upper Manhattan, Givens 
and her mother made a list of who would 
be able to visit him there. It didn't include 
Bill Cayton, Steve Lott, Ke Rooney, Lo- 
raine Jacobs or me. In short, none of the 
people from Tyson's past, none of the pre- 
Givens people, none of the people who 


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knew him from when Cus D'Amato mold- 
ed a kid from Brooklyn into a champion. 

But Donald and lvana Trump didn't 
have to worry. They were on the list. 

. 

Every now and then, pictures of Tyson 
and his life run uncontrollably through my 
mind. The savage childhood, the perverse 
boyhood, the spoiled adolescence, the 
crazy adulthood. The deaths of his moth- 
er, his mentor, his manager and his mar- 
riage. He didnt have a fighting chance. 

When Cus D'Amato first saw Tyson in ac- 
tion, his heart pounded with euphoria. He 
saw the raw anger, the determination to 
inflict pain, the will to win, the lack of 
grace and tolerance, the meanness and the 
killer instinct. No boxing man could've 
asked for more. Cus took this kid's ghetto 
instincts and honed them. He didnt take 
Tyson away from his blood family, he took 
him away from the street, from reform 
school, from a violent, dead-end life. 

But when Cus and [im Jacobs died, 
Tyson became an orphan. His civilizing 
influences were gone. People trying to sur- 
vive in the street often say they have no 
friends, just acquaintances. If Tyson were 
not the champ, worth untold millions of 
dollars, would 1989 have found King con- 
stantly at his side? 

In ‘Tyson's fight against Frank Bruno last 
February, the champ ignored the trio of 
new corner men who'd been hired to man- 
age his title defense. It was as if no one 
were in his corner. In the fifth round, 
‘Tyson put Bruno away with a barrage of 
unsynchronized punches; his natural 
speed and power concealed his inade- 
quacies. That night, Tyson was a great 
puncher but not the great fighter he could. 
be. Not even close. The complex champi- 
onship skills Cus had drilled into him— 
the timing, the patience, the lightning 
combination punches, the side-to-side 
moves and even the basic left jab—were 
missing. And so were Tyson's last links to 
the grand old man of boxing. 

б 

А man 1 know recently told me to leave 
Mike Tyson alone, to forget him. “I was in a 
concentration camp and 1 know what it is 
to survive," he told me. ^You should only 
know what I did in order to pull through. I 
cheated and I lied and I robbed; 1 wound- 
ed and killed people. | had six nice, decent 
brothers and sisters, and they all went 
straight to the ovens. I was the only one to 
survive. But I have never recovered. Bed- 
ford-Stuyvesant and Brownsville were 
“Tyson's concentration camps. Only a very 
few recover, and Tyson is not one of them." 

The realist in me suspects the man may 
be right. But the young, starry-eyed 
fighter who remains in me—the part that 
still yearns for those special moments in 


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struggled too hard for him not to get up 
off the canvas. 

El 


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SPEAKING BESPOKE 


(continued from page 78) 
his waist." 

Dickerson's English-influenced suit was 
designed by Alan Flusser, an entre- 
prencurfinnovator who has developed a 
new type of tailoring shop. Flusser trained 
as a designer rather than as a tailor, and 
for a few years he had his own line of man- 
ufactured menswear. But he developed a 
special love for the dashing, full-bodied 
English blade suit (one that’s well draped 
in front and especially full in the back, 
above the shoulder blades), which wasn't 
available in America. He studied the 
style and several years ago opened a Savile 
Row type of custom-suit salon in a n 
town-Manhattan office building. Like the 
suits, the ambience is decidedly British and 
dubby with mahogany-and-glass cabi- 
netry, ped Regency armchairs and a 
cozy bar. Also on hand is Rafael Raffaelli, 
Flusser's head tailor, who takes the meas- 
urements. The suit is cut and sewn, under 
Flusser's instructions, by expert craftsmen. 

‘The charcoal chalk-stripe model Flusser 
created for Dickerson is, like Dimitri 
double-breasted style. (Double-breasteds 


are very hot this year.) Similar to the suits 
Flusser designed for Michael Douglas in 
Wall Street, it’s fuller and more formal than 
Dimitris. But it's also easy to wear. Flusser 
deems it highly correct business attire 
that’s appropriate “fora guy who definitely 
doesn't like to wear a constricting suit.” Its 
details include a natty ticket pocket, side 
a comfortably high egg-shaped arm- 
hole, a lapel that's rolled to the bottom but- 
ton (giving a long, slender look and 
removing much of the boxiness a double- 
breasted jacket can have), double forward 
trouser pleats that spread out nicely and 
le straps for cinching the waist. A. 
unique feature is the sleeve cuffs, à la Wall 
Street, which Dickerson lov 
nt to be fitted for a Dimitri or 

you have 10 make appoint- 
ments. Dimitri isat 110 Greene Street, New 
York 10012, 212-431-1090, and Flusser is at 
16 East 52nd Street, New York 10022, 212- 
888-7100. Flusser plans to open a second 
shop in Washington, D.C., this fall. But be 
warned: A suit from either of them, or 
from any other superb custom tailor, is 
bound to be habit fo 


“Could you try to hold it down a little? I'm making 
a very important call!” 


COCKTAIL SHAKERS 


(continued from page 82) 
nd Limelight clubs were reported to be 
ping, while Live Bait, World, Cadillac 
Mars and MK were sizzling. Smart op- 
erators keep up by concocting a distinctive 
style to separate themselves from the field 
Live Bait, for instance, projects a Fifties 
feel with tacky vinyl booths, Formica ta 
bles, plastic glassware and blucs. Tacky is 
manager Charles Milites word, and he glo- 
ries in it. His showbiz connections lure 
such personalities as Charlie Sheen, Tom 
Cruise and Angie Dickinson into Live 

it. "Ihe US. volleyball team partied 
there after copping the Olympic gold. 

The latest phenomenon in Manhattan 
clubdom is Mar futuristic multitiered 
former meat warehouse. The concept was 
developed by club impresario Rudolf (one 
name only, please). Each level (there are 
six, including the basement) offers its own 
music, dance floor and there. The base- 
ment, for example, is “Afrotech,” deco- 
rated with primitive war masks and 
leopardskins. Each ticr has its own full bar. 
According to manager Peter бас, vodka- 
and liqueur-based drinks are the most 
popular. His personal favorite is the B-52 
(Bailey's Irish Cream, Kahlua and Grand 
Marnier). 

What about sours, manhattans or old 
fashioneds? On Mars? Hey, man, you kid- 
ding? 


ABSOLUT WRECK 


From the West Beach Café in Venice, 
California—a meeting place for the sleek 
young art crowd. 

1% ozs. Absolut Citron 

Grapefi juice, chilled, preferably 

fresh 

Grand Marnier 

Over ice in highball glass, pour Absolut 
Citron, then add grapefruit juice to within 
% in. of rim. Stir. Float a little Grand 
Marnier on top. 


BERMUDA TRIANGLE 

From Houlihan's in Wechawken, New 
Jersey, a bright new bar/restaurant im а 
gentrified neighborhood. 

% oz. Bacardi gold rum 

% oz. Bacardi white rum 

1 oz. orange juice 

1 oz. sour mi 

% oz. grenadine 

151-proof rum 

Shake all ingredients but 151-proof rum 
with cracked ice. Strai over fresh ice in 
highball glass. Float a little 151-ргоо rum 
on top. 


, the 
connoisseur's mar; It combines the 
piquancy of pomegranate and the snap 
of Herradura tequila. The distiller of 


Herradura attributes its distinctive taste to 
the fact that i's made 100 percent from the 
blue-agave plant. 

2 ors. Herradura tequila 

Ye oz. triple sec 

% oz. pomegranate juice, fresh or 

bottled 

1 or. fresh lime juice 

Combine all ingredients with ice in 
blender and blend just until slushy. Don't 
overblend. Serve in salt-rimmed wineglass 
or margarita glass. 


SEX ON THE BEACH 


From Slim’ in San Francisco, an R&B 
dub that offers live music seven days a 
week. 

1%: ozs. Stolichnaya vodka 

Dash Chambord liqueur 

Dash peach schnapps 

Dash cranberry-juice cocktail 

Stir all ingredients with icc. Strain into 
chilled stemmed glass. 


SNOWSHOE 


From Chicago’s Thunderbird Bar & 
Grill (better known as Tbird's), where 
there’s classic rock and roll played during 
the week and dancing on weekends. 

1 oz. Jim Beam bourbon 

2 ozs. DeKuyper peppermint schnapps 

Lemon twist or orange twist, for garnish 

Pour ingredients except garnish over ice 
cubes in rocks glass. Stir to chill, Garnish 
with lemon twist or orange twist, if de- 
sired. 


BLUE MART 


From the Washington Square Bar and 
Grill in San Francisco, a martini witha lift, 

3 ozs. gin 

Ya oz. dry vermouth 

4 drops blue curacao 

Lemon peel 

Place first three ingredients in pitcher 
filled with cracked ice. Stir well. Strain into 
stemmed martini glass or wineglass. Twist 
lemon peel over glass and discard. 


(CROCODILE BLENDEE. 


From Live Bait, a popular Manhattan 
boite with a busy bar. 

2% ozs. white rum 

1% ozs. dark rum 

3 ozs. Coco López 

5 ozs. pineapple juice 

Ice, about a cup 

1 ozs, Kahlúa 

Fruit garnish 

Blend first five ingredients. Pour into 16- 
oz. glass. Trickle Kahlúa over. Decorate 
with cherry and pineapple chunk. 


CUERVO CRANDADDY 


From Daisy Buchanans on Newbury 
Street in Boston. Daisy's attracts collegians 
from nearby Boston University and other 
local colleges, as well as an occasional 
Celtic. 

1% ozs. Cuervo tequila, white or gold 

1 oz. triple sec 


3 ozs. cranberry-juice cocktail, chilled 

И slice orange, for garnish 

Pour first three ingredients over ice in 
highball glass. Stir to chill. Garnish with 
orange slice. 


GRAND SLAM 


From Mickey Mantles Restaurant and 
Sports Bar in New York, where the decor 
consists of Mantle memorabil 

їй oz. gin 

V. oz. vodka 

% oz. tequila 

У oz. white rum 

% oz. triple sec 

12 oz. peach schnapps 

2 ozs. lemon juice 

Cola, chilled 

Pour all but cola over ice in tall gl 
to chill. Add cola to fill—2 to 3 oz 
once. 


HAIRY NAVEL 


From Dick's Last Resort in Chicago, a 
popular variation on the Fuzzy Navel. 
Adding vodka makes it a Hairy Navel. 

% oz. vodka 

Y oz. Peachtree Schnapps 

5 ozs. orange juice, chilled 

Pour all ingredients over cracked ice in 
tall glass. Stir to chill. 


KAMIKAZE ROYALE. 


From Mars, the hottest club in the Big 
Apple, an out-of-this-world drink, cour- 
tesy of the manager, Peter Toale. 

2 ozs. Stolichnaya Cristall vodka 

1 oz. Cointreau 

2 tablespoons Rose’s lime j 

Splash dry sparkling wine 

Pour first three ingredients over ice in 
champagne flute. Stir to chill, Add splash 
sparkling wine. Stir once 


ice 


PRICKLY-PEAR-CACTUS MARGARITA, 


From the Depot Cantina in Tempe, Ari- 
zona, a former I9th Century railroad sta- 
tion. The walls are hung with robotic 
portraits whose eyes follow you around the 
room. 

1% ozs. Sauza Conmemorativo tequila 

Ye oz. triple sec 

1 oz. fresh lime juice 

% oz. prickly-pear pulp (sce below) 

Prickly-pear slice, for garnish 

Frost rim of large margarita glass with 
sugar and reserve. Place all ingredients ex- 
cept garnish in chilled blender container. 
Add scoop of crushed ice and blend 5 to 10 
seconds. Pour contents into prepared glass. 
Garnish with slice of prickly pear. Serve 
with short straws. 

Prichly-pear pulp: Peel ripe prickly pear, 
remove seeds and blend in blender until 
smooth. 

Cocktails are coming back; no, they are 
back, and the nice thing about today’s cre- 
ations is that they taste good. Sample them 
at your local watering hole or at home, and 
taste what the excitement's all about. 


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receive your sampler of 10 Protex condoms featuring 

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149 


hene was 
à young 
lady... 


By 
compiled and disavowed 


By ROBERT PIERCE 


There was a young damsel from 
Chichester, 

Whose curves made the saints in their 
niches stir; 

One morning at matins 

The heave of her satins 

Made the bishop of Chichester’s 
britches stir. 


There was a young girl named Felicity 
Who was deeply involved in complicity 
With a fellow named Hobbs, 

Who pushed all the right knobs 

To turn on her body's 'lectricity. 


A trollop who worked up at Yale 

Had her price list tattooed on her tail. 
As an aid to the blind, 

Just above her behind 

Was a duplicate schedule in Braille. 


There was a young girl from Nantucket. 


Who washed out her things in a bucket, There was a young lady from Thrace 
But the winds and the breezes Whose corsets grew too tight to lace. 
Blew away her chemises Her mother said, “Nellie, 

So she threw up her hands and said, There's more in your belly 

“To hell with it.” Than ever went in through your face.” 


$ 


A pirate, so hastory relates, 

Was scuffling with some of his mates 
When he slipped on his cutlass, 
Which rendered him nutless 

And practically useless on dates. 


There was a young man named McCall 
Who possessed one cylindrical ball. 

The cube root of its weight 

Plus his penis plus eight 

Was three-fifths of five-eighths of fuch-all. 


152 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


Е 
10 mg. tar", 0,6 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FIC method 


a 


Е 


WALL STREET 


(continued from page 112) 
and financial carnage can testify that 
would be going a bit too far. But the wom- 
en of Wall Street are now in Act Ш of an 
ongoing drama. 

Аа I saw the first brave pioneers appear 
on the scene, When Mary Wrenn, of Mer- 
rill Lynch Capital Markets, was being al- 
lowed in the early Sixties actually to 
present her own opinions as a drug an: 
lyst, the event was considered so newswor- 
thy that it was covered in a front-page 
article in the financial section of The New 
York Times. Julia Walsh tells me that when, 
in 1972, she became the first woman mem- 
ber of the American Stock Exchange elect- 
ed to its board of governors, it was viewed 
as such an amazing historical break- 
through that “I received more flowers 
than at any other time of my life.” 

But if, in the Sixties, the prominent 
women in Wall Street could be counted 
easily on two hands (with a couple of 
fingers left over for pointing shame), a bat- 
talion of high heels started kicking down 
the mahogany doors in the Seventies. Act 
П, though, was not without its own bizarre 
conflicts. 

Elizabeth Dater, now a crack managing. 
director of Warburg, Pincus Counselo: 
tells me that 15 years ago, as a junior ana- 
lyst, she inadvertently created a scene 
hile accompanying an aerospace analyst. 


10 a major defense plant in the Midwest. 
“An extremely nervous plant manager 
made me put on a trench coat seven sizes 
too big,” she recalls, "so the workers 
wouldn't be distracted by the sight of а 
genuine woman. I was given the impres- 
sion that that would have been the end of 
ional defen: 
Sometimes it was impossible to hide the 
women’s gender, which to some men appar- 
ently was even more disconcerting. Gail 
Dudack, who represented the triple curios- 
ity of being young, female and a technical 
market analyst, remembers the luncheon 
presentation she gave about ten years ago 
at a private club in San Francisco: "As I en 
tered the front door, the manager rushed 
up to explain that it was a club for men on- 
ly. After being told that I was the speaker, 
he guided me tothe service elevator, which 
took me directly to the private room for 
our talk. The rest of the men took the 
guest clevators. Some of them were very 
embarrassed; others thought it was the 
best joke of the year." 
That final comment illustrates a theme 
that ran through many of the talks I hav 
had on this subject with the women of Wall 
Street; somehow, they are not as amused as 
most males by the passing slights women 
have encountered in asserting their right 
toa piece of the action. Which takes us log- 
ically to Act HI, today's Wall Street scene, 
and the question—hotly debated—of 
whether women have truly changed the 


character of the financial markets. 

Aesthetically, there can be no doubt, It's 
nice to have a woman around the broker- 
age house. Smart women have understood 
and taken advantage of this As Susan 
Skinner, a top-notch researcher who has 
worked for four firms, candidly acknowl- 
edges, "The plus of being the only female 
to cover bank stocks—not cosmetics or ap- 
parel—was that I was remembered . . . not 
another guy in a gray suit. It meant I had 
to be better prepared, but at least I was re- 
membered. 

"The question of physical attractiveness is 
more delicate, but Skinner finds (what 
else?) a double standard. “Wall Street is 
show business,” she admits. "When one 
markets, one is always successful if one is 
attractive. However, the key difference— 
not just applicable to Wall Strcet—is that 
the attractiveness ratings are not so gener- 
ous for women. Men are ‘stocky,’ women 
are ‘fat. A woman has to be more at- 
tractive, more articulate and more intclli- 
gent to make it in Wall Street. 

Exterior appeal is more important on 
the marketing side, of course: What ration- 
al human being cares about the sex of the 
person who runs money profitably? But 
women are still more often found in "staff" 
than in “line” functions; Skinner, now di 
rector of research and strategist for S. 
Warborg and Co., says, “Somehow, women 
analysts are OK, but find me more than a 
handful of women portfolio managers and 


Fll buy you a case of champagne.” 

Women remain similarly sparse in the. 
heat of the action on the trading floor. The 
New York Stock Exchanges 1366 members 
now include 69 women, but only 24 work 
on the floor. And while about 25 percent of 
Wall Street executives are now female, 
Mickie Siebert insists that "it hasnt 
changed that much—you have no women 
on the executive committees of most firms, 
few women specialists [making the mar- 
kets in individual stocks}, and most of the 
women who have become members dont 
actually own their own seats.” 

Other women are more content with the 
script of Act III: Beth Dater believes that 
Wall Street today has become “one of the 
most liberated businesses in America,” 
and Bernadette Murphy, who this past 
year became only the second woman to 
head the prestigious Financial Analysts 
Federation (formed in 1947), told me flatly 
that Wall Street has lately become “an ex- 
cellent industry for women. If you can im- 
pact the bottom line of a company in а 
positive way, you are an asset and you will 
be compensated for your efforts. While 
tles may still be in short supply, financial 
compensation makes the disadvantage 
worth while. Money is power—eventually” 

In Wall Street, in short, the shape of the 
bottom ultimately becomes less important 
than the numbers on the bottom line. And 
even some women who remain surly about 
the petty pace of progress admit that it’s 


difficult to engender much public sympa- 
thy for a person who is making $250,000 a 
year. Indeed, the very slowness of promo- 
tions in some areas—such as top-level deal 
making—may have saved women from be- 
ing involved in the worst of the insider- 
trading scandals. But women are moving 
steadily into power positions; by now, three 
firms have carried the names of women: 
Muriel Siebert, Laura Sloate (who bears 


chairman (not chairwoman or chairperson 
or chair) of Julia M. Walsh & Sons. Nobody 
ever had to explain to Julia where the pow- 
er lies, or how to get it. 

The persistent question has been how 
ordinary women could do in Wall Street: 
whether they had the same chance as 
mediocre men. In the early years of Wall 
Street Week, we went out of our way to 
present women, because they were such 
rarities; for some years, that has not been 
necessary, because enough competent fe- 
males now deserve an invitation strictly on. 
their professional merits. Similarly, in a 
book published in 1974, I wrote that if you 
were able even to discover a woman "who 
has been tough and smart enough to buck 
the established order, chances are you 
might be on to an exceptional broker." 

Wall Street's slowness in accepting wom- 
en was particularly foolish for another 


reason. The simple fact—hidden as well as 
possible by generations of pompous 
males—is that those women, professional 
or amateur, who have dared to try their 
hand at investing have generally done bet- 
ter at it than their fathers, husbands, lovers 
and sons. The National Association of In- 
vestors Corporations routinely finds that 
the all-women's clubs do best. There are a 
number of possible reasons for this, but 1 
think the most important is that women 
get early training in skepticism. By the 
time the average female is 14, she has 
learned to look through the pitch for the 
motive. Itisa trait that can be as helpful in 
finance as in other human activities. 

In the end, let us never forget what 
bright women have always known: Money 
is sexy. If it cannot buy happiness, at least it 
can make misery more entertaining. Wom- 
en understand money for what it is: not as 
an extension of one’s masculinity, as wild 
risk-takers sometimes mistakenly assume, 
butas the stuff with which you buy things, 
including security. If women have thus 
been drawn a bit more to value than to the 
passing get-rich-quick schemes that so of- 
ten end on the rocks, they have made a 
contribution that goes beyond civilizing 
Wall Street to increasing the wealth of the 
nation. As it becomes ever less surprising 
to find them in the board rooms, the profit 
is one worth contemplating—in every way. 


153 


PLAYBOY 


154 


PATIENT WOMEN (continued from page 103) 


“God is trying to humble me; I said after one 
failure. ‘She is succeeding, my partner replied.” 


me, “I know you're not impotent, because 
you want to talk about it. Men who are im- 
potent deny it and won't talk about it.” 

These women showed me it was true; 
they do love to snuggle, to cuddle, to touch, 
to laugh and to whisper. Sometimes they 
like those pleasures even more than 
straightahead sex. They know, too, that 
there are quite a number of enjoyable 
things two people can do that dont involve 
an erection. 

It helps to keep a sense of humor. “God 
is trying to humble me,” 1 said, sighing, 
after one failure. 

"She is succeeding,” my partner replied 

When 1 told one woman how much I'd 
appreciated her patience, she said, “It was 
the best thing that happened to us. 1 went 
to bed with you right away because you ex- 
pected it, but I really wasn't ready to have 
sex with you. This way, we got to know 
cach other first.” 

It was not a problem I would wish on 
anyone, yet I came to sec it as a blessing. 


1 won't claim to have learned humility, 
but I did learn something about patience 
and tenderness, about my own needs and 
about women. 

When I became single, [ was over- 
whelmed by the number of available wom- 
en. There is a part of me that is still 18 and 
eager to jump into every bed at the earliest 
possible moment (and God bless that 
plucky lad). But another part of me knows 
I should go slow, both for my sake and for 
others. 

In time, I saw my lapses as a defense 
mechanism, wherein the prudent part of 
me was struggling to hold back the run- 
rain part of me that was hell-bent 
aster. And out of this struggle, 1 was 
learning what I really wanted. 

I came to imagine a little on-orr switch 
in my head that controlled my sex life. As 
long as it was at orr, nothing much helped. 
But, in time, my subconscious would flip 
the switch to ox, then everything would be 
fine. Sensational, in fact. 


That happy moment came, as best ] un- 
derstood this mysterious process, when 1 
was comfortable with a woman, when | 
trusted her and was ready for intimacy 
Usually, that meant I was focusing my at- 
tention on her alone. 

1 was learning that multiple relation- 
ships are not my thing, however tempting 
they may seem. I found juggling two or 
three women too emotionally demanding, 
too complicated, too damn duplicitous. If 
it works for you, brother, go to it; but Im a 
simple man, probably doomed to a life of 
serial monogamy: Making one woman hap- 
py is challenge enough. 

When I returned to singledom, like Rip 
van Winkle awakening, the world had 
changed. There were hard questions out 
there, questions about honesty and trust 
and fairness, about hurting and being 
hurt. The hell of it is, sex is the easy part. 

Looking back, I think the women in my 
life understood me better than | under- 
stood myself. They knew | was a little 
crazy, but they thought I had a potential 
for sanity, and they nudged me gently in 
that direction. For me, the moral was this: 
Find the right woman, and the rest will 
take care of itself. 


/ CONGRESSMAN, 


ром TELLS 
vs You EAC 
OUT ALL THE 


| HEAR you 
(| HAVE A SMALL 
FURNISHED 


ME- How 4/ APARTMENT 
Ця YOUR W WHAT KIND 
HER FEEL oe WAY IS 
ABOUT TAT TD WT FOR A 


MICKEY 


WT 
MOUSE (continued fiom page 110) 


“The Mickey Mouse phenomenon is compelling not in 
spite of, but because of, its authoritarian aspect.” 


is racially and socially homogeneous, 
which may, to a large extent, be a function 
of its geographical reality But there is, 
more importantly, a slight atmosphere of 
oppression in the park. There is the nag- 
ging fecling that one is being watched. 

And, of course, one is being watched. 
One is being watched by those interested 
in crowd control, both to extract the ut- 
most in dollars from the visitors and to en- 
sure their safety. The atmosphere and 
oppression come, I think, partly from this: 
that the park's concern for extraction far 
outstrips the concern for safety, but the 
regimentation is presented as, foremost and 
finally, a desire to care for the yisitor—to 
protect, to guide, to soothe. 

One creates for oneself the idea that 
things at Disneyland are being done for 
ones own good. And, far beyond obeying 
the rather plentiful signs forbidding one 
or another thing, one finds oneself won- 
dering, “I wonder if this is allowed 
here . . ."—"this” being, for example, 
smoking, eating in line, etc. 

At Disneyland, one creates (with a great 
deal of help) the idea that Everything Not 
Required Is Forbidden. And so we see, as 
in any other totalitarian state, the internal- 
ization of authority and its transformation 
into a “Sense of Right.” 

We see the creation of a social Superego, 
which is sometimes a handy tool, but per- 
haps out of place at an amusement park. 
That is, (A) the Id says: "Well, hell, I'm go- 
ing to cut in line and get to Space Moun- 
tain sooner"; (B) the Ego says, “Don't do i 
they will get you and, in some way, punish 
you"; and so, to overcome the anxiety and 
humiliation of being subject to a superior 
force, (C) the Superego is created and says, 
not that you are afraid of authori- 
ty, not at all; you are just concerned with 
right and wrong, and you want to go to the 
back of the line because it is the correct 
thing to do” 

And itis this feeling that one is celebrat- 
ing, I think, in singing pacons to Mickey 
Mouse, the feeling that I am a good per- 
son. Lam one of the good, and happy, peo- 
ple, and I would never do anything wrong. 
It is this feeling that is being sold in the 
park. As an amusement park, it just ain't 
worth the money—far from being Riv- 
erview, it's not as much fun as a video ar- 
cade. The Mickey Mouse phenomenon is 
compelling not in spite of, but because of, 
its authoritarian aspect. 

A cow was born on a farm near my home 
in New England. We saw its picture in the 
local paper. The cow was notable for thi 
On its white side was found that conjunc- 
tion of three black circles internationally 
recognized as the silhouette of Mickey 


Mouse. The silhouette was rather large, 
perhaps three feet across, and was perfect 
Mention was made that representatives of 
Disneyland were coming to look at the cow. 

I later saw a news item to the effect that 
the park had purchased and was display- 
ing this wondrous cow, and that only a fair 
retail price had been paid for the creature. 

My first thought was, “Well, that's as it 
should be.” And then I thought, “Wait a 
second. What is going on here? That blank- 
ety-blank cow is worth a vast fortune to the 
Disney folks.” As, of course, it is, and, 1 
wondered on sober reflection, one, why in. 
the world the cows owner would consider 
parting with the beast for less than a vast 
fortune; two, why the Disney people would 
find a value in advertising that they (from 
another, and rather defensible, point of 
iew) had stolen this cow; and, three, why 1 
was going along with their plan and en- 
dorsing not only their purchase but their 
proud announcement of what they elected 
was the right thing to do. 

The Disney people were telling me that 
in paying only a fair market price, they were 


protecting my interests. Absolutely. That's 
what they were doing, and that’s how Т 
took it. How? In what possible way were 
my interests being protected? 

The Disney pcople bought the freak cow 
publicity value. It was going to create 
income for their company. /f the cow were 
going to bring enjoyment to the visitors in 
the park (and, so, income to the company), 
in what way would that enjoyment be af- 
fected by the price the Disney company 
paid for the cow? Is it not in the best inter- 
ests of show business, on the contrary, 
to proclaim, “Brought to you at Great 


I asked to be an accomplice, 
What was I being sold? Not 

not amusement, not a 
thrill, I was 5 sold the idea that Lam a 
good, right-thinking person. 

Well, Lam capable of my own estimation 
of my own worth, and 1 dont песа to be 
sold such an idea; and, difficult as it is— 
and it is rather difficult—I find that I have 
to admit that I dont like Disneyland; I 
think it is excceding the job description for 
an amusement park to sell its product by 
appealing to—perhaps even by finally 
questioning—the self-esteem of the people 
who are paying the freight. There is no 
Mickey Mouse; and as to “Why? Because 
we like you!" —I'll be the judge of that, and 
thank you very much 


“The gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy 
you a drink, a Ferrari, a condo and a beach house in Malibu.” 


155 


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PLAYBOY 


~ LINKS WU) DHE EU URE ms 


tage flick starring Adolphe Menjou on The Late Show. 
This fall, however, the cuff link is returning as a way to 
make a personal fashion statement—and there are plenty of 
French-cuffed shirts to choose from, (It’s sort of like wearing 


ntil recently, the only way to recall how central the 
l J cuff link was to a man’s wardrobe was to watch a vin- 


Clockwise from 11: Antique 


your psyche on your sleeve.) Just remember to tailor your 
selection to your wardrobe; atweed suit, for example, calls for 
an antique look, while your power business threads com- 
mand more contemporary hardware. But whatever you 
choose, remember that your finely turned French cuffs will 
Say more about your savoir-faire than a legion of old movies. 


enamel-and-sterling-silver cuff links, from Alice Kwartler, about $285; on a shirt by Lazo, $115. Sterling-silver 


medieval cuff links, by Lisa Jenks, about $165; ona shirt by Ermenegildo Zegna, about $140. Hematite-and-sterling-silver cuff links, by Paul 
Morelli, from Sointu, New York, $240; on a shirt by Jeffrey Banks, about $110. Sterling-silver cuff links, by Kerry MacBride, $160; on a shirt by 
Ronaldus Shamask, $200. Enamel art-deco cuff links, from Bizarre Bazaar, New York, $275; on a shirt, by Geoffrey Beene Couture, $70. 


GRAPEVINE 


We Want a Gi 
Just like the 

Girl Who Married 
Dear Old Cliff 


There's more to PHYLI- 
CIA RASHAD than being. 
a nearly perfect mom. 
While on break from The 
Cosby Show, she'll be tak- 
ing a song-and-dance act 
to both Atlantic Gity and 
Lake Tahoe. We're told 
the key words to describe 
her are glamorous and 
hot. Then, this fall, she'll 
be starring in an NBC 
movie of the week in a 
very different role. Her 
managers won't reveal 
any details so keep 
checking your TV. 


Sing That 
Funky Music, 
Boys and Girls 


Our two favorite micro- 
phone grabs this month 
go to AL B. SURE! and 
Femme Fatale’s LOR- 
RAINE LEWIS. Al's de- 
but album, In Effect 
Mode, went double plat- 
inum and his next LP 
is due in November. 
He's also working on a 
movie, Private Times. 
Femme Fatale's debut 
album of the same 
name hit the airwaves in 
a rush. Says Lewis, 
“Girls are especially 
g for something 
like us. Girls want to 
rock and deck out in 
cowboy boots and sexy 
clothes." Lorraine sure 
knows her stuff! 


© PAULNATKNIPHOTO RESERVE INC. 


O MARK LEIVOAL. 


She Has 
a Knockout 

Punch 
SARA MONTAO is working on get- 
ting the same thrill from acting that 
she does from kick-boxing. Sara has 
appeared in videos and in the feature 
film Relentless Fighter. We would 

up with her, if we dared. 
Meanwhile, we get a kick out of Sara! 


lg 
[3 
3 
E 
ч 
E 
2 
s 


No Substitutions 

The REPLACEMENTS have been called the best. 
band of the Eighties by more than one rock 
critic. If you're not up to date, check them out 
оп tour through the end of the year or pick up 
Don't Tell a Soul. Says lead singer Paul Wester- 
berg, "It's the music that really counts this 
time.” Our advice? Listen up! 


Showing Swell 
JANE FONDA looks ter- 
rifi, works out hard, 
makes lots of cash and 
still has time for movie- 
making, Her two latest 
films, Old Gringo, with 
Gregory Peck, and Sian- 
ley & Iris, with Robert 
De Niro, are due out by 
Christmas. This is 50? 


Cool and Hot 

This is how Grapevine kisses off the dog days of summer. Actress CHRISTINA 

VERONICA has been on the big screen in the movies Bad Blood, The Party Girls and 

Thrilled to Death. We know this one photo won’ tbe enough for any of you, so head out 

to your video store and get Sensual Stripping, Chris vs new instructional video. It's. 
never too late to learn something new. 


© MICHAEL LYNNE 


POTPOURRI 


AN ANIMAL 
ON THE BEACH 


‘This summer, when you're 
seuling in for some seri- 
ous tanning down beside 
the seaside, spread a 
Sandzoo beach blanket in- 
stead of your usual ratty 
towel and see if some of 
the more shapely wildlife 
on the beach isn't attract- 
ed to your sun spot. Bras- 
tex, which licenses the 
Sandzoo line, offers the 
55" x 70" cotton-terry 
Jacquard blankets in three 
patterns shaped like a 
tiger, leopard or zebra skin 
ata price that should 

be a howling success—just 
$40, postpaid, sent to 
Sandzoo, 328 West 77th 
Street, New York 10024. 
(The blanket even fea- 
tures a loop that enables 
you to wrap the tail 
around the blanket and 
use it asa handle.) But if 
some animal-rights ac- 
tivist comes over and kicks 
sand in your face, don't 
say we didn't warn you. 


CHAMPION LIGHTWEIGHT CONTENDER 


Mazda has introduced an all-new MX-5 Miata convertible, and for those of 
you who long for the good old days of top-down motoring in an Austin- 
Healey, an MGA ora Triumph TRS, all we can say is, well, guys, the good 
times are about to roll again. a lightweight sports car (2182 
pounds) powered by a work- ег, 16-valve, four-cylinder engine. 
With two people aboard, it has an almost equal weight distribution that 
makes for sweet handling, as we discovered for ourselves when Mazda in- 
vited us to Hawaii to road-test the car. Acceleration is peppy (0 to 60 in 8.6 
seconds), the top goes up and down with ease and the base price is right: 


160 about $14,000. Let's hear it for top-down sun and fun. 


GET A WHIFF OF THIS 


There's good news for all you lovers of the 
leaf. The luxurious Ritz-Carlton hotel in 
Laguna Niguel, California, has recently 
inaugurated a smokers’ room (the Ritz- 
Carlton calls it the library) that’s a clubby 
haven for cigar, pipe and cigarette 
puffers. In the afternoon, tea is served. In 
the evening, cordials, desserts and coffee 
are offered. And if you get a haughty look 
after lighting up, just tell the waiter to 
throw the blackguard out 


BALLS IN AN UPROAR 


Your shrink probably wouldn't approve of 
them, but we found RX Freud balls to be 
a cheap and funny way to let off steam. 
Three battery-powered balls are avail- 
able—a scream, an explosion and crazy 
laughter—and to activate the sound, all 
you do is touch two metal strips on each 
ball. Freud balls are sold at chain, novelty 
and gift stores for about $12 to $20 

each, depending on the size. Hyman 
Products in St. Louis, Missouri 
(800-538-1066), is the manufacturer, in 
сазе you get stressed out looking for them. 


SOMETHING TO 
ANTICIPATE 


Nintendo has created an adult 
video board game named 
Anticipation, and, no, it isn't 
one more retread that either 
questions your knowledge of 
trivia or asks you to make ethi- 
cal decisions between money 
and your wife. Anticipation is à 

ne that's a kind of elec- 
tronic cross between connect 
the dots and hangman. The re- 
tail pr is $34.95. And when 
you're tired of outguessing an 
electronic phantom doodler, 
you can always get back to 
video reality by playing Super 
Mario Bros. 2. 


MUSTANG STAMPEDE 


As you may have heard, 
the famous Mustang. 
Ranch, a brothel outside 
Reno, Nevada, has gone 
public with a $23,300,000 
EE stock offering. But that's not 
D the, well, climax of the story, 
K because a company named A 
Sign of Quality, at 9025 East 
Kenyon, Denver, Colorado 
80237, has decided to get a 
piece of the action by having 
the front cover of the Ranch's 
prospectus reproduced in 
etched brass mounted to a 
10%" x 13” solid-walnut plaque. 
The price for being well hung 
is $80. Or, if you don't trust. 
your friends, you can always 
screw the plaque to the wall. 


PINBALL ACTION, 
PLAYBOY STYLE 


"There was no way we'd let our 
35th Anniversary year slip by 
without doing something spe- 
cial, so we sent Data East Pin- 
ball in Chicago back to the 
drawing board, and one of its 
pinball wizards, Joe 
Kaminkow, designed a new 
Playboy Pinball Game that’s 
like an electronic romp 
through Playboy Mansion 
West. During play, you hear 
Hefs voice, cooing Playmates 
and other sounds of Mansion 
West. The game sells for about 
2600, and a call to Data East. 
345-7700 will get you 
morc information. Or check it 
out at your local electronic ar- 
cade. You're up! 


THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE 


As Ed McMahon would say, “Everything you ever 
wanted to know about Rolexes” is in Rolex: Time 
less Elegance, a beautiful boxed coffec-table book, 
by George Gordon, containing hundreds of color 
photos of Rolex watches, plus a concise history of 
the company and vintage Rolex ads. The book's 
price, while not cheap, isn't something you'll have 
to hock your Rolex to afford: $175, postpaid, sent 


to Timeless Elegance, One Old Country Road, 
Suite 330, Carle Place, New York 11514 


AS THE VERMONT SPIRIT MOVES YOU 


‘Aside from offering some of the natioris most 
beautiful fall foliage, Waterbury, Vermont, is the 
home of an aptly named microdistillery, Vermont 
Distillers, which produces some tasty products 
Veranda Gin and Veranda Light are for the man 
who likes his juniper flavorful and dry Tamarack 
Liqueur is a bourbon that has been flavored with 
maple syrup and spices. And Sugarbush Maple 
Spirits is a double-distilled maple-syrup product 
that you won't want to pour over pancakes. (Ver- 
mont Distillers also makes a vodka.) All the above 
are sold only in Vermont and are priced about $10 
to $20 a bottle. Drink up! 


161 


162 


NEXT MONTH 


DOUBLE VISION 


*AN OUNCE OF LUCK"—THE LURE OF GOOD FORTUNE 
PROMPTS A SHREWD BUSINESSMAN TO BUY ABAGFUL 
OF KISMET FROM A MYSTERIOUS NIGERIAN PRINCE. 
UNFORTUNATELY, HE FORGETS AN ANCIENT ADAGE: 


CAVEAT EMPTOR—FICTION BY WALTER LOWE, JR. 


“TOUGH GUYS"—DON'T MESS WITH THE GRACIES. 
THEY'RE THE WORLD'S TOUGHEST FAMILY: NO- 
HOLDS-BARRED JUJITSU WARRIORS WHO CHALLENGE 
ANYONE. ANY TIME TO A DEATH STRUGGLE IN OR OUT 


OF THE RING—BY PAT JORDAN 


JEFF DANIELS SHARES THE DETAILS OF A RUN-IN WITH 
A DIFFICULT LEADING LADY, REVEALS WHY HE CALLS 
HIS SOFTBALL TEAM THE CLAMSAND PLAYS KISS AND 
TELL WITH WILLIAM HURT AND CHRISTOPHER REEVE 


IN AN ENDEARING “20 QUESTIONS” 


“WORKING GIRLS”—PLAYBOY SALUTES SOME MAG- 
NIFICENT WOMEN IN ALL-AMERICAN CAREERS. DON'T 


MISS THE DEBUT OF A NEW PICTORIAL SERIES. 


“FUTURE STUFF”—TAKE A WINDOW-SHOPPING EXPE- 
DITION INTO THE 21ST CENTURY FOR A PEEK AT GADG- 
ETS THAT GYRATE, TRANSLATE AND LEVITATE—BY 


MALCOLM ABRAMS AND HARRIET BERNSTEIN 


MAY, A 


“THE LAST WORD ON LOVE ANDSEX"—A TANTALIZING 
SELECTION OF THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUESTIONS 
THAT YOU WOULDNT DARE ASK YOURSELF OR YOUR 
LOVER—OR WOULD YOU?—FROM THE NEW BOOK BY 
BEST-SELLING BOOK OF QUESTIONS AUTHOR GREG- 
ORY STOCK 


“PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST”-—GRIDIRON 
MANIA IS UPON US. HERE'S THE SCORE ON WHO'S HOT 
AND WHO'S NOT IN THE N.F.L—BY GARY COLE 


KEITH HERNANDEZ, THE MET WHO HOLDS DOWN 
FIRST, TALKS TURKEY ABOUT HIS BRUSH WITH CO- 
CAINE, HIS TRAINING-CAMP FISTFIGHT WITH DARRYL 
STRAWBERRY AND HIS BASEBALL-SEASON ALTER EGO, 
"THE MEX" IN AN EXCLUSIVE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


"DUTCH TREAT"—IN OUR FIRST OVERSIZED GATE- 
FOLD, WE PRESENT THE MISSES SEPTEMBER, TWIN 
BEAUTIES GUARANTEED TO DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE 


PLUS: A LIGHTHEARTED LOOK AT MORGANNA, THE 
KISSING BANDIT, BY SPORTSWRITER CURRY KIRKPAT- 
RICK; THE BEST IN MEN'S KEY CHAINS; PLAYBOY'S 
BACK-TO-CAMPUS FASHIONS, BY HOLLIS WAYNE; AND 
MUCH, MUCH MORE 


CHARLE 


5 TANQUERAY & 
Cope 
LONDON. ENGLAND 


Tanqueray. A singular experienc: 


Imported Enghsh Gin, 47.3% Асло (94 6") 100% Gram Neutral Spirits. © 1989 Sctvetteln & Somerset Co New York 


|. 


i 


Л mg. nicotine av. 


BL SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.