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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN 


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WERE TALKING T WINS! No, not Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzeneg- 
ger, though they're cute, too. The perfect pair on our minds this 
month is im and Karin von Breeschooten, Rotterdam natives 
who have us in Dutch in the best possible way—with a dazzling 
Playmate pictorial and special twin-sized gatefold. Double vision 
has never been this much fun. (Or at least not since October 
1970, the last time we featured twin Play mates.) 

We also invite you to share some visions of the prophetic Kind. 
First, in Future Stuff, Malcolm Abrams and Harriet Bernstein Lake а 
glance at all the neat gadgets heading for market by the усаг 
2000—from levitating cars and uphill skiing to high-fiber cup- 
cakes and musical toilets. The article, illustrated by Dave Calver, is 
excerpted from the book of the same title, to be published by 
Viking Penguin. Also on the predictive front, our sports prog- 
nosticator (and Photography Director), Gary Cole, takes his annu- 
al look ahead in Playboys Pro Football Forecast, illustrated by Jim. 
Evans and Richard Duarde. As part of the package, you'll also meet 
Green Bay's bruising 6'6", 315-pound draftee Tony Mandarich. 
Smile when you call him rookie. 

While we're on the subject of bruises—not to mention choke 
holds, broken arms and lacerated kidneys—we'd like you to meet 
Rorion Gracie, the jujitsu master profiled in Bad, by Pet Jordan. Ro- 
rion claims to be the toughest guy in America, but he's not even 
the toughest guy in his own family; his brother Rickson claims the 
title of toughest guy in the world. And they've offered huge sums 
of money to anyone who dares to fight them. Hear that, Mike Tyson? 

With summer's end, the baseball pennant races heat up, and 
who better to stoke those fires than Morganna, the busty kissing 
bandit who, in the words of Vin Scully, “precedes herself by five 
minutes"? Keeping us abreast of her outstanding developments 
in Ode to Morganna is Curry Kirkpatrick. You'll also want to check 
out the Playboy Interview with the Mets Keith Hemandez. He spoke 
with Larry Linderman about his recent injury and the more lasting 
hurt delivered last year by the Dodgers. And Jeff Daniels, the 
loosc-limbed star of Something Wild and The Purple Rose of Cairo, 
delivers expert commentary on softball in Bill Zehme's 20 Ques- 
tions, When you play for a team called the Clams, you'd better 
know your stuff. 

Rounding out our outdoor coverage this month is Wind Dum- 
my, a breath-taking first jump into paragliding—being lofted 
from a hillside by a winglike parachute—by Contributing Editor 
Craig Vetter. Hc looked before he leaped and still got into trouble. 
The problem: Wind is invisible. 

Even passing acquaintances of Playboy know that some of our 
favorite sports are of the indoor variety, and we never tire of ana- 
lyzing our game. So when we heard that Gregory Stock, author of 
the million seller The Book of Questions, had prepared a sequel— 
Lowe ES Sex: The Book of Questions—for Workman Publ 
we snapped up an excerpt. This provocative volume gives new 
meaning to the term multiple choice. What would you do if your 
wife or girlfriend agreed to relax the rules of sexual fidelity? 

Our fiction offering this month, written by Contributing Editor 
Walter Lowe, Jr, and illustrated by Ernie Barnes, is called An Ounce 
of Luck, about а Ише bag of fortune that threatens to throttle the 
gamblers who possess it. We struck a bit of luck ourselves in a 
gambling capital a few months ago, and the result is Reno 
Confidential, a political pictorial with Leslie Sferrazza, twice the 
first lady to hizzoner Pete Sferrozza, Reno's mayor. Bet you'll like it. 

This is the time of year when you look into your closet to see 
what, if anything, you've got to wear in the fall. Before you make 
up your sartorial shopping list, do yourself a favor and consult 
Fashion Editor Hollis Wayne's Back 10 Campus feature, pho- 
tographed by Dewey Nicks. Wayne has divided the country into 
regions for a tailor-made fit. 

That brings us back to the Van Breeschooten twins. They're so 
nice, we have to mention them twice. Enjoy. Enjoy. 


PLAYBILL 


KIRKPATRICK 


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One great name should be on the tip of your tongue. 


A premium whisky, unrivaled in quality and smoothness since 1858. 


——M а pa AA URE) POL OB) PVI SADR 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 36, no. S—september 1989 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PRAYBILLS ee UAI AU RAN Іп Ы 

DEAR PLAYBOY. 9 

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS ............. Е a RU dm i 

SPORTS: cece AR с ты елу э DAN JENKINS 30 

MEN To. sats sas ec) O TO O A .. ASA BABER 32 

WOMEN. ........ cit os dasa dole oop cae co . CYNTHIA HEIMEL 35 Reno Confidentiol 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ............................. Жз req 37. 
НЕРГАҮВОҮЛОКОМ ‚зуу coger ШЫЛ IER i ERS 141 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: KEITH HERNANDEZ—condid conversation ............... 51 

PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST—sports.............. .. GARY COLE 64 

BACK TO CAMPUS-fashian ............................... . HOLLIS WAYNE 71 

AN OUNCE OF LUCK—fictian ................. ano WALTER LOWE, JR. 80 

BODY BY WINKLER—pictorial. |. cce = в2 

BAD arde СЕ sess. PAT JORDAN 90 

DOUBLE DUTCH TREAT—playboy's playmates of the тапћ.................... 96 

PLAYBOY'S PARTY 2ОКЕ5—һитог......................... n2 


FUTURE STUFF—article 


Seeing Double 
20 QUESTIONS: JEFF DANIELS. PUT TUS eee seni sis cen 118 


WIND DUMMY article. ..... АСКАТ УЕТПЕК 20; 


ODE ТО MORGANNA— pic text by CURRY KIRKPATRICK 122 
LOVE & SEX: THE BOOK OF QUESTIONS .................. GREGORY STOCK 128 
RENO CONFIDENTIAL-pictoriol ........................ darearen 130 


РГАҮЕОТ ОМ THE SCENE R SA aE a a A T 171 Campus Foshion 


COVER STORY 

We serve up a scrumptious double Dutch treat for you this month fea- 
turing twins Karin and Mirjam van Breeschooten. Contributing Photog- 
rapher Stephen Woyda shot the cover, which was produced by Michael 
Ann Sullivan and styled by Lee Ann Perry. Thanks go to John Vic- 
tor for styling the twins’ hair and to Pat Tomlinson for make-up. Now 
and then, we enjoy taking а face-to-face meeting with our Rabbit. 


‘SUnmesrmicteo ment 


PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE pholography director 
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso- 
ciate editor, FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER editor; 
MODERN LIVING: DAID STEVENS senior edi 
lor; PHILLIP COOPER, ED WALKER associate editors; 
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate editor, WEST 
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH. 
EN EDGREN senior edilor; JAMES R PETERSEN 
senior staff wriler; BRUCE KILER. BARBARA NELLIS. 
KATE NOLAN associate editors; JOHN LUSK traffic 
coordinalor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE editor; 
WENDY ZAURANSKY assistant edilor; CAR- 
TOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE 
BOURAS edilor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant editor; 
MARY ZION senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN 
BROWNE. RANDY LYNCH, BARI NASH, LYNN TRAVERS 
researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: Asi 
BABER, KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE 
GRODEL. CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WILLIAM J. HELMER, DAN 
JENKINS, WALTER LOWE, IR. D. KEITH MANO. REG POT: 
TERTON, DAVID RENSÍN. RICHARD RHODES, DAVID 
SHEFE DAVID STANDISH. BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movie 
SUSAN MARGOLIS WINTER, BILLZEHME 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI. LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN associale 
director; JOSEPH PACZER, ERIC SHROPSHIRE assistant 
directors; DEBBIE KONG junior direclor: ANN SEIDL 
senior keyline and paste-up artist; BILL BENWAY, 
RICK MILLER art assistants; BARBARA HOFFMAN dd- 
ministrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managing editor; LINDA KENNEN, JAMES LAKSON. 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; АТТУ 
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior 
staff photographer; STEVE CONWAY assistant photog- 
тарһе; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY ARNY 
FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUL, DAVID MECEY, BYRON 
NEWMAN, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing phologra- 
hors; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color 
lab supervisor; JOHN Goss business manager 


MICHAEL PERLIS publisher 
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director: MARIA MANDIS manager; 
RITA JOHNSON disislanl. manager; ELEANORE WAG 
NER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI Gssisianis 


CIRCULATION 
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation direc- 
tor; ROBERT ODONNELL retail marketing and sales 
director; STEVE м. COHEN communications director 


ADVERTISING 
MICHAEL T. CARR director; JAMES | ARCHAMBAULT. 
JR. national sales manager; 208 AQUILLA midwest 
manager; JOHN PEASLEY direct response manoger; 
A. FOSTER TENNANT пеш york manager 


READER SERVICE 


CYNTHIA LACEYSIKICH manager; LINDA STRON. 
MIRE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 


EILEEN KENT Contracts administrator; MARCIA TER. 
RONES rights ÉS permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 


CURISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive of 


POWER IN BRONZE 


ЛОХ 


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CHICAGD, ILLINOIS 60611 


CAMPUS RACISM 

Having read your special report on cam- 
pus racism, Disillusioned in the Promised 
Land, by Trey Ellis, and Reassessing the 
Roots, by David J. Dent (Playboy, June), I 
have much sympathy for the attitudes ex- 
pressed by both writers, who support the 
notion that blacks are more successfully 
educated and happier at all-black universi- 
ties. | wonder, however, whether white re- 
porters could have expressed the same 
sentiments without being labeled racists. 
Wouldn't black students be up in arms if 
the Government forced all-black colleges 
to accept large numbers of white students? 
Why is it, then, that the scveral minor inci- 
dents on college campuses—mean-spirited 
though they are—elicit such strong reac 
tion from your writers when they merely 
encourage greater black-college enroll- 
ment, which so many blacks are in favor of 
to begin with? 


Lawrence W. Schonbrun 
Berkeley, California 


‘Trey Ellis Disillusioned in the Promised 
Land is interesting but full of unsubstanti- 
ated claims and faulty logic. 

Ellis points to ARYAN BY THE GRACE OF GoD 
‘Tshirts as examples of racism but fails to 
mention the BLACK BY POPULAR DEMAND 
Tshirts that have popped up at the Uni- 
versity of Michigan. Are whites, unlike 
blacks, supposed to be ashamed of their 
skin color? Fllis details the story of Regina 
Parker, a black U of M student, who spent 
months squabbling with her white room- 
mate, but he fails to give any reason (save 
for the fact that the woman was white) for 
his assumption that Parker's roommate 
was disagreeable because of Parker's race. 
And, of course, he refers to Peter Steiner's 
now-infamous speech but quotes him out 
of context. What Steiner was saying is that 
the U of M should try to recruit more mi- 
norities without lowering its standards. 
Steiner worded his speech very poorly, but 
his point can hardly be seen as racist. 

1 noticed other omissions and flaws, but. 
it makes little sense to enumerate them 
here, The point is that I cannot trust the 


rest of Ellis article. Where else has he 
twisted words and events? Where else docs 


he give us only half the story? 
Marc I. Whinston 
Ann Arbor, higan 


I am a well-educated and proud black 
man from the South now living 
Chicago. I was very pleased to sec your lat- 
est issue focusing, in part, on racism. 

However, I was disappointed in the arti- 
cle Disillusioned in the Promised Land, by 
Trey Fllis. There is no doubt that Ellis 
talented writer, but this piece lacks sub- 
stance. I read it with the hope of gaining 
insight, but what I received was just several 
individual accounts of racism. Most edu- 
cated blacks can speak on that topic, and I 
can give you a first-person perspective that 
could fill a book. 


Anthony Gibbs 
Chicago, Illinois 


I'm not sure why the articles on campus 
racism were written other than to inform. 
people that it still exists. My experience at 
the University of Washington in the Seven- 
ties was that 80 to 90 percent of the white 
people I came in contact with were racist. 
They were in every aspect of campus life, 
from the dormitory in which 1 lived to the 
marching band in which I participated to 
the department of political science, in 
which I studied my major subject 

"The advice 1 would offer to the Regina 
Parkers across this country is, first, the best 
way to stop racism is to challenge at every. 
turn those who practice it. Most racists are 
cowards who, when challenged, will crawl 
back into the slime whence they came. Sec- 
ond, always assume every white person is a 
racist until he proves himself otherwise. 
Finally, do not give up on your education. 
They cant win if you don't let them. 

Vincent Stewart 
Sierra Vista, Arizona 


The next time you publish an article 


about racism on campus, how about 


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PLAYBOY 


including both sides? 

Explain why minority students have 
access to all kinds of financial aid and 
scholarships and why whitc kids from 
lower-income families can't get aid. E 
plain why standards are lowered to get mi 
nority students into programs for which 
they cant qualify 

Explain why at two Big Eight schools, 
Colorado and Oklahoma, black athletes 
are constantly in trouble. Explain why. 
when a black athlete has problems, he al- 
ways blames racism rather than himself. 

Jim Walker 
Denver, Colorado 

We have two thoughts in. response, Jim. 
One is that white kids from lower-income 
families can gel financial aid from a number 
of sources. The second is that people who use 
such terms as always and constantly in refer- 
ence to people of other races are making dan- 
gerous and unfair assumptions. That holds 
true for both you and the guy who wrote the 
letter preceding yours, with whom you have 
‘more in common than you may think, 


CAPTAIN X 

Playboy is guilty of publishing some 
poor and uninteresting articles at times, 
but Confessions of Captain X, by Captain X 
and Reynolds Dodson, in your June issue 
cannot go without comment. If you want 
some stories about airline flying, you 
should get an author who is knowledgeable 
about the subject! It's easy to see why this 
pilot (1 will nor call him a captain) didn't 
want his name used. 

1 flew for North Central/Republic for al- 
most 30 years, and I flew the DC-9 and 
Boeing 727 in and out of Saginaw, Mi 
gan, many times. Our training at Republic 
was superb, and we were accustomed to 
fiying into smaller airports with sophisti- 
cated jet aircraft. Saginaw isa safe airport. 
The tower personnel there is the best. 

It is very simple to tell when the ap- 
proach to a runway is correct. Your pilot, 
accustomed to u: 
ing guidance available at all large ai 
sat there fat, dumb and happy and almost 
killed his passengers. He should be 
grounded and the aircraft should be 
spected for hard-landing damage. I will 
call the КА Аз attention to this landing 30 
inches from the end of the runway. Poor 
top management and frugal pilot raining 
can be lethal for the passengers. 

Vern Loehndorf 
Wauconda, Illinois 


Kimberley Conrad, the 1989 Playmate 
of the Year (Playboy, June), is pure perfec- 
tion. The lady and the layout are outstand- 
ig. The picture of Kimberley in the white 
ingerie on page 132 is the most beautiful 
I've seen in your magazine. The pictures 
on pages 136 and 137 with the m 
dripping pearls, are absolute n 


Bravo 10 Mrs. Hefner and to the 
magazine that gives a little of her beauty to 
usall! 


Anthony M. Mendolia 
Kansas City, Missouri 


atulations to Miss Conrad on be- 
ing chosen Playmate of the Year. She is tru- 
ly captivating. Mr. Hefner is а lucky man, 
indeed. 


katchewan 


You have outdone yourself this time. 
Your cover photo of the beautiful Kimber- 
ley Conrad in lingerie is your sexiest ever. 
Best of luck to Hefin his marriage to Kim- 
berley and thanks for sharing her with us. 

George Landis 
Visalia, California 


I know Kimberley Conrad is mortal by 
her spoken words published in the Play- 
mate of the Year article, but she is certainly 


a perfect piece of work visually and worthy 
of my reverence. By her existence, I know 
God lives and cares about us to provide 
such 2 lovely creature to gaze upon and en- 
joy. Not since the Vargas Girls graced your 
magazine has there been one so lovely as 
Kimberley, but Kimberley is r 
Maurice Carter 

an Nuys, California 


If it doesn’t work out between Hef and 
Kimberley, put her on a bus and send her 
up this way. 

Gordon Atchison 
Parry Sound, Ontario 


The selection of Kimberley Conrad as 
the 1989 Playmate of the Year is pretty pre- 
dictable, It does surprise me, however, that 
Mr. Hefner didit withdraw her from the 
competition. 


Rich 
"Toronto, On 


rd B. Brostrom 
io 


I've been an avid reader of Playboy for 
many years and 1 have always enjoyed it, 
but I'm going to comment on one thing. 

I dont think that Kimberley Conrad 


should have been allowed to compete in 
the Playmate of the Year contest, since she 
was engaged to Hugh Hefner at the time. 
T's not that 1 don't think she’s pretty, but I 
think that Kimberley should have dis- 
qualified herself. 

Roy W Denman 

Hurst, Texas 

We can't put it any better than Hef has: 

"Its an honor she clearly deserves. I can't take 
it ашау from her just because we've fallen in 
love.” 


Hey, guys, this Playmate contest was 
easy There's 5 only one Playmate with a bel- 
ly button like 's. Of course, you 
could have really made it casy and showed. 
her engagement ring. 1 bet even Hef 
dialed 1-900-720-6061 a few times. 

Mr. Hefner, you sure can pick 'em. 

Lis Nandria 
Merced, California 

Aha! That explains why, every time we 
tried to call Hef back in November, his line 
was busy. 


GRAZIE, GIUGIARO! 

When 1 saw Richard Izuis pictures at 
Italdesign, 1 was sure that Playboy's story 
оп my company (Design by Giugiaro, May) 
would be great! Now, after having read it, 1 
have to say that it is more than great: It isa 
perfect “fresco” of both my activities and 
company. I am struck speechless by how 
accurate and deep your look inside my 
professional life is: so perfect that if I 
didn't know better, I would think Playboy 
was based next door to Italdesign and had 
followed my company since 1968. It was 
really a pleasant surprise to discover how 
precise your reporting is. 

With 20,000,000 thanks. 

Giorgetto 
‘Turin, Italy 


PLATO'S REPLETE 

Talk about the girl next door: I was 
showing my friends in our dorm my j 
high school yearbook and | pointed out to 
them that Dana Plato had gone to my 
school. My friend Scott ran to his room, 
grabbed the June issue of Playboy from the 
top of the stack and opened it to Diff rent 
Dana as hc placed it or 


Please tell Dana for me tl 
her son all the luck and 
world. Also, 1 would like to join her fan 
club. 


Ken Zelinka 
Santa Rosa, California 


DAVE MARSH: DEAD OR ALIVE? 

1 resent Dave Marsh's vicious comment 
in the June Music column about the Grat 
ful Dead's being “the worst band in cre- 
ation." Marsh obviously doesnt know what 
he is missing, 


Michael Johnson 
Reno, Nevada 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


WHOOPS IN PARADISE 


A light adventurer we know reports: 

At the prime seat in the prime bar in the 
prime hotel in Tahiti, single and under 30, 
I craved an evening of adventure. The bar- 
tender had the perfect idea. A taxi was 
summoned, and after a 20-minute drive 
into Tahit's capital city of Papeete, it 
dropped me outside a Vegaslike neon 
facade with a sign that blinked THE PIANO 
ван. The men in line looked as if they had 
just exited Camp Beverly Hills: in their 
20s and early 30s, with acid-washed blue 
jeans, pastel camp shirts and requisite 
high-top sneakers. The women were tall, 
leggy unescorted Tahitians, with large hair 
and fabulous sequined ensembles. 

Then one of them scooped me up, 
charged to the front of the line and 
dragged me past the wide-eyed bouncer 
with little more than a dismissive flick of 


her wrist. 

I am No-No," she purred in my ear 
“Like the little mosquito. Welcome to The 
Piano Bar!” Whereupon she gripped my 
wrist and heaved forward on her stiletto 
heels into the mass of sweaty dancers. 

No-No was wildly popular. She knew all 
the customers, introduced me to half of 
them and danced with the rest. Pulling me 
close, she pointed across the room to опе 
woman who, she alleged, had been Marlon 
Brando's mistress. 

We danced until dawn, then No-No de- 
posited me into a taxi headed for my hotel 
It was the next day, poolside, that a more 
experienced traveler told me who—or, 
rather, what—No-No is. “The Piano Bar is 
a notorious hangout for mahu,” he snick- 
ered. Mahu, he let me know bluntly, are 
‘Tahitian men who have been raised as 
women since infancy. 

It seems that for the past 1000 years or 
so, some boys in daughterless ‘Tahitian 
families have been brought up as females. 
No sexual politics here, just. pragmatics: 
The men wanted an ample supply of 
"women" to handle all the household 
chores so that the males had beaucoup time 
to fish, play the bongos and have sex. The 
mahu were noted by a slightly befuddled 
Captain Cook when he visited the island in 
1769, and many Tahitians were convinced 


that Paul Gauguin's flamboyant hair style 
and preference for unusual hats proved 
that he was a mahu. 

As it turns out, there are hundreds of 
mahu in Papeete, a community slightly 
smaller than Ottumwa, lowa. Everyone 
knows them. The young ones are accepted, 
the older ones, respected. And all of them 
dress with more splash than the real wom- 
en. Most of the waiters and housekeepers 
in Tahiti are mahu. Some dress as men dur- 
ing the day: Most do not, Some have under- 
gone surgical alterations. Most have not. 
Either way, they are, like most Tahitians, 
achingly beautiful, dignified and proud. 

And they dance well, too. 


PUUUSI! THAT RECORD 


The miracle of birth is a wonderful 
thing, but what it really needs is a state-of- 
the-art sound track. Fortunately, Grateful 
Dead percussionist Mickey Hart has pro- 
duced a new compact disc and casseue 
titled Music to Be Born By, designed to fill 
the delivery room with the carthy rhythm 
of drums, bass harmonics, a wooden flute 
anda fetal heartbeat. The ins 
are intended to have a calming effect on 


oothing str 


the mother, the spectators and, of course, 
the little guest of honor. We hear that 
if this project takes off, Jerry Falwell plans 
to produce Music to Be Born Again By. 


EAT MY WHAT? 


Theres а new cheap-tix theater move- 
ment springing up in the Midwest. In 
April, Chicago's Theater Oobleck pre 
viewed a salute to free speech titled Eat 
My Fuck, with a “free if you're broke" show. 
Not surprisingly, it sold out. Cotton 
Chicago's show Coed Prison Shuts admitted 
theatergoers for free—then charged them 
five to ten dollars to get out, depending on 
their whim, Could be an important new 
trend—or maybe we just like the title Eat 
My Fuck. 


SCRATCH AND SNUFF 


Robert Duvall and fans of Apocalypse 
Now might be irked if they saw—or, rather, 
smelled—the new scratch-and-sniff ad 
from BEI Defense Systems International. 
The ad, for the Hydra 70 antihelicopter 
rocket, comes with the special scent of 
cordite (burnt gunpowder, more or less) 
and carries the headline “THE SMELL OF VIC 
TORY." Wrong. As Duvall says, “I love the 
smell of napalm in the morning. . . . It 
smells like victory. 


GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD 


You probably thought that recent im- 
provements in relations between the U.S. 
and the Soviet Union have reduced the 
chance of nuclear war significantly. Not ac- 
cording to the Church Universal and Tri- 
umphant (CUT). Its members, based іп 
Glastonbury, Montana, arc building bomb 
shelters in preparation for what they see as 
an imminent nuclear attack— possibly as 
arly as this October—by the Russians. 
CUT newsletter, Pearls of Wisdom, has 
noted that the Soviets are readying a first- 
strike nuclear attack on the United States 
and church members should *prepare to 
survive underground." 

But underground prices are soaring. Re- 
portedly, 126 missile duckers have signed 
on with one shelter group at a cost of $1000 


13 


RAW 


ABI 
mentality, trashy 
trash, CBS is sophis- 
ucated trash. And 
NBC wavers between 


DONALD WILDMON On 
network trash in the 
Chicago Tribune 


WHAT ABOUT 
ESPERANTE 
ber of 
guages spoken 
world: almost ) 
Number spoken in 50 
percent of the world: 


DATA 


Percentage of 
American women 
who almost never 
cook, seven; of Amer- 
ican men, 35, 


READ OUR LIPS 


umber of days an 
average American 
works annually to sat- 
isfy all Federal, state 
and local tax obliga- 
tions: 124 (he's paid 
up by May fourth). 
. 


Date by which tas 
were worked off in 
1950: April third. 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


In households with a TV re- 


M.PG. 


15. тоге control, women control it Federally legislated 
. only 34 percent of the time. average fuel-effi- 
The guage that ciency rating for all 


is the official tongue of the most na- 
tions: English (more than 40 countries). 
Frequency of other official languages: 
French (27 countries); Arabic (21 coun- 
panish (20 countries). 
. 

Most frequently spoken language: 
Mandarin Chinese, with 806,000,000 
speakers. 


. 
‘The next-most-common languages, 
by number of speakers: Eng- 
lish, 426,000,000; Hindi, 313,000,000; 
panish, 308,000,000; Russian, 
287,000,000; Arabic, 182,000,000; 
Bengali, 175,000,000; Portuguese, 
166,000,000; Malay-Indonesian, 
132,000,000; Japanese, 123,000,000. 


Style of cooking enjoyed by the most 
Americans: home-style American (68 
percent). 


. 
Percentage of Americans who like 
n cooking, 57; who like Mex 
cooking, 48; who like Chinese cooking, 
48; who like Cajun/Creole cooking, 21; 
who like French cooking, 19 
P 

Percentage of American women who 
do not like to cook, 14; of American 
men, 25. 


new cars required by 1990: 275 miles 
per gallon, 


. 
Required rating this year, 26.5 
m.p.g.; in 1988, 26 m.p.g. 


. 

Actual average for Chrysler Corpo- 
ration cars in 1988, 284 mpg; for 
General Motors cars, 276 m.p.g.; for 
Ford Motor Company cars, 264 m.p.g. 


STATES OF HEALTH 


Based on a survey im Prevention 
magazine, state where citizens рг; 
the healthi behavior Florida 
least healthy, Minnesota. 

. 

Other health-conscious states: Vir- 
ginia, Massachusetts, New York and 
fornia, 


TO MANIA 


Percentage of Americans who have 
bought a ticket for a state-run lottery in 
the past year: 42. 


H 
State where residents spend the most 


moncy per capita on lot 
year: Massachusetts ($2 
% 


tickets рег 


Percentage of Americans who gam- 
bled in a 


sino last year, 12; who 
5 for money, 12; who bet оп 
E event, cight; who bet on a 
horse race, seven. 


per person. Private two-bed modules are 
planned at an additional cost of $4295 
meals not included. Guess we'll have to put 
our faith in glasnost. 


PHOTO FLASHBACKS 


The makers of Making Sense of the Six- 
lies, a series in the works for public televi- 
sion, think they can do so in a mere six 
episodes. They have asked Playboy readers 
for photos, film footage and other audio or 
visual materials that capture the events 
and experiences of that tumultuous dec- 
ade. While many believe that if you can re- 
member the Sixties, you weren't there, 
those who managed to record the cra us- 
ing whatever medium—and we dort 
mean the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi—should 
contact the producers, Varied Directions, 
Inc., at 207-236-0711 


Time leaper Bakula. 


МВСУ new show Quantum Leap stars 
Scott Bokula as Sam Beckett, a scientist 
from the present who, duc to a foul-up in 
his time-travel experiment, gets lost in the 
decades between his birth in the mid- 
Fifties and the present. Actually, Beckett's 
body doesn't go anywhere; only his mind 
does. As a result, he inhabits the bodies of 
people in other eras. 

“In one episode, 1 play an old black man 
in a small Southern town just before the 
start of the civil rights movement in the 
Fifties. In another, I get transported into 
the body of a woman—a secretary in the 
Sixties—just before the beginning of the 
modern feminist movement,” says Bakula. 
“Just the other day, the costume people 
showed up in my trailer with their designs 
for that show and said, "This is the look, 
kie Kennedy look. The jacket with 
ned collar. What do you think” 
t's gonna be a bizarre episode.’ 
With such oddball goings on at work, 
ula do in his spare time? 
He's a sports fanatic. “There's a scene with 
Jeff Bridges in See You in the Morning," he 
says, “when every possible pressure you 
could imagine is on him; then he opens the 
sports section in the newspaper, looks up 
to heaven and says, “Thank you for sports.” 
1 feel that way a lot,” says Bakula. 


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Only from The Franklin Mint. Ex- 
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The Fronklin Mint Please mail by Seplember 30, 1989. 
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16 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


MURDEROUS, MOVABLE farces about shuffling 
dead bodies from place to place are an old 
Hollywood tradition. Weekend at Bernie's 
(Fox) has a corpse that hosts a cocktail 
party, gets buried in the sand and is resur- 
rected to go water-sküng. Dead or alive, 
Bernie is played by Terry Kiser as a 
financial charlatan who invites two naive 
young insurance executives (Andrew Mc- 
Carthy and Jonathan Silverman) to his 
beach house, planning to have them 
bumped off lest they expose the details of 
a multimillion-dollar scam. The lads arrive 
to find their host mysteriously murdered; 
the rest is body-snatching spoofery Why 
rigor mortis never sets in we aren't told, but 
the actors—with Catherine Mary Stewart 
as Bernies attractive neighbor—work 
hard to. pump life into a broad comic 
premise clearly ready for last rites. Rude 
and dopey as Weekend is, you'll probably 
catch yourself laughing a lot УУ? 
. 

No more the suave superguy whose fans 
have grown accustomed to his pace, Timo- 
thy Dalton's earthy 007 in Licence fo 
(MGM/UA) is a new man for a new era. 
He's tough but vulnerable, hardly a sarto- 
rial trendsetter but still true to form in 
wanting his martini "shaken, not stirred.” 
Much of his latest in the marathon 
Fleming series looks like Miami Vice, 11% 
hard-edged action-adventure with tlie cus- 
tomary hell-and-gone stuntwork on land, 
sea or aloft, mostly triggered by Bond's 
personal vendetta with a ruthless Hispanic 
drug lord named Sanchez (Robert Davi), 
in and around Key West. The bad guys 
resident moll is exotic Talisa Soto, some- 
what upstaged by Bond's preferred babe- 
de-camp, a blonde pilot played with fresh 
all-American zest by former model Cat 
Lowell. As usual, after a lot of nasty busi 
ness involving sharks and machines with 
cutting edges, there’s a dynamic finale—a 
symphony of masterfully synchronized de- 
struction. While 007 hasn't lost his touch, 
he has lost some of the worldly wit that sep- 
arates the Bond classics from the series’ 
second-string successes. vaya 

. 

Grab a crash helmet and go for Indiana 
Jones and the Last Crusade (Paramount). No, 
its not as fresh and exhilarating as 
Raiders, but how could it be? Here's an an- 
tidote for anyone who sensed sequel slug- 
gishness in Temple of Doom. With Harrison 
Ford back for his third outing as Jones— 
and River Phoenix briefly playing In- 
diana as a boy wonder in a rousing se- 
quence aboard a train full of wild beasts. 
and badmen—director Steven Spielberg 
has done it again. Onc of the best ideas in 
this second. sequel recruiting Sean 
Connery to play Indiana's father, a crusty 
professor who mysteriously vanishes on a 


Silverman, Stewart Weekending. 


When it comes to lazy, 
hazy-day movie fare, 
summer hot, summer not. 


quest for the. Holy Grail. Connery and 
Ford are a testy father-son duo, sharing 
quips, imminent danger, even the favors of 
a gorgeous Nazi (newcomer Alison Doo- 
dy). And why not, argues Connery as the 
elder Jones: “Um as human as the next 
man." 10 which Indiana retorts, “I was the 
next man.” Last Crusade is an adult comic 
strip, hyperkinetic high adventure that 
scarcely pauses for breath. ¥¥¥ 
. 

The press coverage and favorable re- 
views it richly deserves may become a 
handicap for sex, lies, and videotape (Mira- 
max) if audiences are led to expect too 
much. What they get is plenty—a small, 
bold, titillating and penetratingly intelli- 
gent first feature by 26-year-old writer-di- 
rector Steven Soderbergh, who hereby 
takes a giant step from obscurity to 
overnight success. This trendy and in- 
tensely personal domestic drama beams in 
like a laser on four bright young people їп 
Baton Rouge whose lives are not quite what 
they scem. Ann, played in a moving minor 
key by Andie MacDowell, is the mildly 
malcontent wife of John, a successful 
lawyer (Peter Gallagher; see “ОН С: 
сга”). While their sex life has lost its zing, 
Ann tells her shrink that she doesn't much 
care. She also doesn't know that John is 
getting it on with her kid sister Cynthia 
(Laura San Giacomo), who's a bartender 
and a sultry, predatory sibling rival. Every- 
one's lies are exposed after the return of 
Graham (James Spader), a former school 
chum of Johns, who professes a passion for 


m- 


honesty—to the point of admitting that 
һе potent and can get his gonads 
jump-started only by making video tapes 
of women confiding their darkest sexual 
secrets, In an austere, laid-back and dead- 
pan comic style that curiously enhances its 
impact, sex, lies, and videotape examines 
the values of smart young media-saturated 
moderns who combine late-Eighties 
norality—anything goes if you can get 
away with it—with the emotional depth of 
Beautiful People in TV commercials. Al- 
though Soderbergh himself is the real 
find, his movie puts all its actors into orbit 
and marks a major career breakthrough 
for actress-model MacDowell, who, as Tar- 
тап well-bred mate in Greystoke, once had 
all her dialog dubbed by Glenn Close. On 
her own here in first-class company, Andie 
is dandy. УУУУ 


. 

Everything from Bellini to. Mozart. to 
Verdi is splendidly sung in The Music Teacher 
(Orion Classics), last years Belgian entry 
for an Oscar as best foreign-language film. 
Another movie won, probably because op- 
eratic excerpts are insufficient cause to cel- 
ebrate pretty period schmaltz about a 
great singing star (bass-baritone José van. 
Dam, an excellent actor as well as a voice 
often resounding through the Met and La 
Scala) who retires to train two younger tal- 
ents. One (Philippe Volter) isa petty thief 
unaware of his potential as a leading tenor, 
the other (Anne Roussel) a shy soprano. 
The two are destined to fall in love and tri- 
umph in a vocal competition almost at the 
very moment their old master is dying. 
Music lovers may lend an ear, but haven't 
we had enough of broken hearts accompa- 
nied by crashing cadenzas? YY 

o 

Think again before rushing off to the 
French-made Kung Fu Master (Expanded 
Entertainment) in the mistaken belief that 
its a martial-arts epic. The title refers to a 
video game favored by a 15-year-old who 
looks 13 but manages to excite a 40ish di- 
уогсее (Jane Birkin) with two young 
daughters. She and the boy slip away for a 
romantic idyl that has all the erotic impact 
of atutoring session in algebra. France's es- 
teemed writer-director Agnes Varda casts 
her own son, Mathieu Demy (director 
Jacques Demy is his father), as the garcon 
whos supposedly irresistible. Maybe it 
makes e sense to the French. Over 
here, Kung Fu looks like fair game for 
charges of child abuse. Y 

. 


According to Young Einstein (Warner), the 
famed scientist who came up with the the- 
ory of relativity was the son of a Tasmani- 
an apple farmer. When he inadvertently 
launched the nuclear age, Albert's real in- 
tention was to find some way of putting 
bubbles into beer. Later he invented rock 


t | 
The man with the hat is back! 27% 
THE - 
pai | 


HAT \ 
"STETSON y 


Available at better department 
and ment stores, 


STETSON НАТ CO, 4500 STETSON TRAIL, ST. JOSEPH, MISSOURI, 64502 
TM 1989 LUCASFILM LTD. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 


and roll. Sull with us? Then say “Gda 
and roll out a welcome mat for Yahoo Seri- 
ous, the zany young Australian who 
dreamed up, wrote, directed and stars in 


d.n 
Oh, Mr. Gallagher 


OFF CAMERA 


rd-winning young star 
y (for Tom Stoppard's 
The Real Thing) but dark, hand- 
some Peter Gallagher, hi 
less lucky with movies. In The Idol 
maker, a 1980 also-ran but now a cult 
favorite, he played a rock star. Crit- 
ics scolled when he swam nude on a 
Greek island with. Daryl Hannah, 
who tied him down and dripped 
candle wax on his bare chest, in 
Summer Lowers (1089). Things were 
looking up as he headed for the 
annes Film Festival to hype his 
sixth film, the definitive study of 
Yuppie love called sex, lies, and 
videotape. “It feels great to be with 
something hot.” Gallagher, who 
ys a philandering young lawyer 
sleeps with his wife's sister. At 
one rendezvous, he waits for her in 
lant covering his 
y idea,” says С; 
“I thought the character 
would look silly lying there with a 
sheet pulled over hisschwanz.” Early 
reports indicate that the movie 
could put Gallagher's screen career 
in gear. After one L.A. screening, he 
gota phone call from Jack Lemmon, 
who, he says, “couldn't wait to tell me 
what he'd overheard a woman say- 
ing about me on the way ош: ‘He has 
such a subtle way of being a com 
plete asshole? " After Cannes, Gal- 
lagher was heading for Prague to 
film Milena, starring Valerie Kapri- 
sky as a Czech who translates Kalk: 
“I play her first husband, a notorious 
womanizer.” Is he leery of being 
typecast as а rake? "That's not the 
worst thing that could happen," says 
;allagher, grinning, "but we're los- 
ing the candle wax and potted 
plant. 


been 


this exuberantly madcap biographical 
spoof that bursts at the seams with 
сепсе and good will. Down under, Yahoo 
broke box-office records and became a pop. 
idol with crossover appeal rivaling that of 
vintage Monty Python or the Beatles at 
their peak. He's neither as funny as the 
former nor as musical as the latter, but he 
is Scriously hard to resist. YYY 
. 

What's missing from The Tall Guy 
(Vestron) is probably the fine, frenzied 
hand of Mel Brooks. Midway through this 
British-made comedy starring Jeff Gold- 
blum as a Yank actor in London, we're 
treated to glimpses of the opening night of 
a big hit show called Elephant! It's а mu: 
cal version of The Elephant Man, with 
Goldblum, in the title role, sporting a tiny 
trunk and thick skin to dramatize his de- 
formity Brooks, whose manic energy once 
made movie history with The Producers 
song-and-dance classic Springtime for 
Hitler, might have managed another coup 
de théâtre here. Tall Guy just isnt fanny, de- 
spite dogged efforts by Goldblum as a 
straight man itching to be a star while 
making out with a Polish nympho- 
maniac (Joanna Kanska), a nurse (Emma 
Thompson) and his leading lady (Kim 
Thomson). Goldblum stretches his own 
talents, but this screwball comedy finally 
comes up short. YY 

. 

Near the end of World War ‘Two. an 
American soldier (Gary Graham) and his 
Japanese counterpart (Cary-Hiroyuki 
Tagawa) confront cach other on an isolated 
South Pacilic island. The Last Warrior (SVS 
Films) has a sparsely worded, occasionally 
strained screenplay about a GI nonplused 
by his encounter with an enemy who 
dreams of dying gloriously by the sword. 
samurai style. Despite credibility gaps, the 
movie is made memorable by superior 
camerawork, stylish scoring and editing, 
plus inventive, edge-of-your-seat direction 
by w director Martin Wragge, clearly 
a guy with the gilt of gab when it comes to 
film language, Another discovery is Maria 
Holvöe, who plays a beautiful blonde rel 
us novice, the untouchable virgin who 
gives the American something to think 
about between mano-a-mano battles with 
his foe. (There was no such diversion- 
eroticism for Lee Marvin and Toshiro 
Mifune, who made essentially the same 
movie, Hell in the Pacific, in 1969.) 44% 

. 

A skip tracer who likes to assume dis 
guises meets a bail- jumping blonde in Pink 
Cadillae (Warner), which has counterfeit 
ers, $258,000 in contraband cash, white- 
supremacist hoodlums, the blonde 
baby—and that car. Taking turns behind 
the wheel are Clint Eastwood and Bern; 
dette Peters, the long and short of it, evi- 
dently having a very good time with a 
screenplay more wordy than witty Be- 
clouded or not, the stars glitter. vv 


nno- 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 
Checolat (Reviewed 7/89) Some French 
colonials’ hang-ups about color. wy 
Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen (8/89) Raunchy 
stand-ups ТУ won't touch, wh 
Comic Book Confidential (Listed only) A 
panel discussion, with balloons. wy 
Do the Right Thing (8/89) Spike Lee on 
racism, wryly recycled as showbiz. УУУУ 
Field of Dreams (7/89) Baseball players 
from a diamond in the sky, with Kevin 
Costner as the beautiful dreamer. ¥¥¥ 
Getting It Right (7/89) Jolly English farce 
features Lynn Redgrave making waves 
with a virginal hairdresser vv 
How to Get Ahead in Advertising (7/89) 
Rachel Ward's the baffled wife of a chap 
promoting a cure for zits. Wh 
Indiana Jones and the lost Crusade (Sec 
review) Ford in a solid sequel. wy 
Kung Fu Moster (See review) He's sti 
very wet behind the ears. ¥ 
The Last Warrior (Sce review) New look at 
a familiar World War Two story ұу 
Lawrence of Arabia (5/89) All this and 
hail Peter O'Toole. Masterful. — vvvvv 
la Lectrice (8/89) Erotica by the book 
with Frances grand Miou-Miou. ¥¥¥ 
Licence to Kill (See review) Bond's back, 
and Dalton has him. ЕУ 
Little Vera (5/89) Sexual revolution опе 


steppe at a time, with Russia's 
Negoda leading the way. 

Lost Angels (8/89) Troubled teen Adam 
Horovitz meets Donald Suther- 
land. Wa 
The Music Teacher (Sec review) Melodic, 
but we've heard this song before. — wx 
Pink Cadillac (See review) Needs work, 
but Clintand Bernadette deliver wu 
The Rainbow (7/89) Early D. H. 
Lawrence done to a turn by Ken Rus- 
sell УУУ 
Road House (8/89) Patrick Swayze's the 
bouncer and the whole show. WA 
Scandal (5/89) Bad little girls go every- 
where with naughty Brits. wy 


Scenes from the Closs Struggle in Beverly 
Hills (8/89) Socially irrelevant—and lots 
of wicked fun. vvv 
sex, lies, and videotope (Sce review) Busy 
foursome involved with all three, УУУУ 
Shell Shock (8/89) Postwar blues. ұу 
The Tall Guy (Sec review) Yankee doo- 
dling with an actor in London. w 
Weekend at Bernies (Scc review) Body 
snatchers with a sense of humor. vw 


Young Einstein (See review) With love 
from down under, a Serious come- 
dy vvv 


vw Outstanding 
vvv Don't miss ух Worth a look 
¥¥¥ Good show Y Forget it 


AC “ҖЫЙ 
$ menthol cigarettes "7% 
ls taste the same... 


г Marlboro 


MENTHOL 


e Philip Morris Inc 1989. 


ERES 


SURGEON GENERALS WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 


| Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


lo by FTC method. 
TO 


БИ 


VIDEO 


UEST SHUT 


"| am so easy when it 

comes to the videos | 

enjoy,” says X-flick- 

queen emeritus Marilyn 

Chambers. Indeed, her 

VCR hit list ranges from 

psychological mysteries 

: to screwball comedies 
starring Carole Lombard 

to anything by Ingmar Bergman (“Му favorite di- 
rector, no question”). And while lush ro- 
mances— (Casablanca, The African Queen, The 
French Lieutenant s Woman—score high marks 
with Chambers, she's a pushover for steamier 
love stories such as The Big Easy and Two Moon 
Junction. Which brings us to the real question: 
Does Marilyn (whose recent Party Incorporated 
is R-rated) ever rent the types of videos she 
used to make? Absolutely. "But when | sit down 
to an X-rated film, 1 honestly don’t want to see a 
story and all that shit,” she admits. "I just like 
to see the actors getting into it like | did—re- 
айу having a good time. БЕГІС 


VIDEO ROCK 


20 vears old; Don Kirshners 
Rock Concer faded into late-night 
oblivion; MTV caters to the Clearasil 
crowd. But fear not, there is a niche in 
videoland for rollicking live concert films 
in the tradition of Monterey Pop and the 
Stones! Gimme Shelter. Namely: 

The Last Waltz: Robbie Robertson leads the 
Band's 1976 farewell concert, joined by 
Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton and Ringo Starr. 
Martin Scorsese's direction—with intimate 
dose-ups and personal interviews—set the 
standard for all rock Hicks to follow. 
Stop Making Sense: Jonathan Demme cap- 
tured this 1984 Talking Heads gig by fo- 
cusingon the performance, which includes 
a slide show of bare body parts and Byrne 
cavorting about in his big suit. The real 
scorcher: Burning Doun the House. 

Sign 'O' the Tim: Гһе dynamic imp of sex 
rock, Prince, brings his steamy road 
show—complete with ladyfriends—to your 
home. For every yin of his hips, there 
bone-cracking yang from Cat 
Youlll also see a pumped-up She 
ton, and drum; Sheila 
yond compare. The music ain't bad, either. 
The Everly Brothers Reunion Concert: Onc of 
the more quietly received events of this 
decade was the 1983 reunion of Don and 
Phil. But video never forgets, and the leg- 
endary duo proves that its harmonies sur- 
vived the test of t 
watching with your lady, 
Wake Up, Little Susie. Remember how it 
worked for you back then? It still will. 

led Zeppelin: The Song Remoins the Same: 
Take some dry ice, mix in thousands of. 


ng fans hoisting their butanes, 
splice in shots of the Zep's golden tour jet, 
throw in a few long-haired maidens, add 
a handful of joints tossed on stage by a 
generous crowd. d you have only half 
of this video. Sheer madness. 

—CHRIS NAPOLITANO, 


BRUCE ON VIDEO 
our movie critic goes to the tape 


Lately, we've been seeing a lot of straight- 
to-video films—movies that never quite 
made it at (or to) your neighborhood the- 
ater. This can mean a good film that fell 
through the cracks or, more frequently 
dog that deservedly died at the box о! 
Here’ a guide to a few of them: 
Cohen and Tate: His fans may object, but 
Roy Scheider is effective as a hired killer 
whose partner (Adam Baldwin) wants to 
waste a kid they have just orphaned. Have 
a six-pack handy. 
The Experts: This 


Travolta film went 


straight to video and you'll see why Не a 
disco-club-hopper shanghaied to Russia, 
where there's a fake Nebraska town used 
by the K.G.B. to train agents. Got it? Glas- 
nost killed off this turkey. Good riddance. 


African gin mill? Ben Gazzara's her lov 
tortured by guilt over a bastard son. Atmos- 
pheric but asinine. Poor Julie. 

Stealing Heaven: Elegant 12th Century 
erotica about classic star-crossed lovers 
Heloise and Abélard. Denholm Elliott is 
the vengeful uncle who has his niece's tu- 
tor castrated. Sexploitation in high style. 
Under the Gun: Sam Jones (who once played 


FEELING INTENSE 


FEELING FUNNY 


FEELING SPORTY 


Mississippi Burning (1964 civil rights murder cose in 
Deep South; flowed history but explosive dromo); Dan- 
gerous Liaisons (serious bed-hopping in 18th Century 
France; Pfeiffer at her loveliest, Close ot her wickedest); 
Child's Play (kid's doll on murder spree; silly, scory as hell). 


Twins (Schwarzenegger ond DeVito os long-lost sibs; di- 
rected by Ivan [Ghostbusters] Reitman); The Best of Gilda 
Radner (remembering S.N.L's funniest lady; Roseanne 
Raseannadanna, Boba Wowo, et ol.); The In-Laws (Arkin 
оз harried dentist, Falk as crazy CIA ogent; a riot). 


Dirty Tennis (Dick Von Patten on how to humi 


court rival; о nosty, funny crash cours 
(replays ond recollections af 37 boseball greats; Billy 
Crystal guest-stars); AWWF Premiere (top lady wrestlers 
in “steamy One-on-anes” and 


Flash Gordon) plays a Dirty Harry-ish сор 
opposite former dethroned Miss America 
Vanessa Williams—lookin’ good, acting 
adequately. Both deserve better things. 
White Hot: Not very. Director and star Rob- 
by Benson has mostly himself to blame for 
his poor showing as a “temp” drug dealer 
who just wants to clear up his debts. Tawny 
Kitaen is his wife with a bad habit. 


THE HARDWARE CORNER 
Remote Poss 


ies: OK, thanks to 
Magnavox, now you'll never have to get off 
the couch. Yep, its new four-head VCR 
(VR9846AT) has а 49-function remote 
control. Included with this hand-held mas- 
terpiece are full on-screen function dis- 
plays and bar-code programing. 

Childproof TV: Tired of your kids’ 
watching slasher films? JVC's Telstar Mas- 
ter Command II line comes with a feature 
that lets you lock out three channels with a 
code known only to you 


ШЕШ 


Best Let's-Pray-You' ll-Never-Be-This-Bored Vid- 
eos: The Magic of Paper Folding and Tissue 
Paper Art: Best Building Videos Not Inspired һу 
Donald Trump: Building Mr Universe Thighs 
and Building Your Own Rod; Most Pathetic 
How-to Tape: How to Party; Favorite Video Con- 
versations: How to Talk to the Elk, How to Find 
and Call the Wild Turkey and Soliloquy to a 
Salmon and the Atlantic Salmon; Best It's-a- 
Living Video: Boning and Carving. 


—MAURY LEVY 


le your 
; Grand Slam! 


ing tag teams"). 


Ilove museums. j 
Ive been to Cooperstown | 
ee times. j 


Cognac we 
Hennéssy а 
The Spirit of the Civilized Rogue. 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


THERE ARE а handful of writers who dare to 
wrestle larger-than-life themes, pursue ex- 
tremes and transcend the normal limita- 
tions of prose to reach for a personal vision 
of The Great American Novel. Thomas 
Pynchon, Norm Mailer and Robert 
Stone come to mind. With Mile Zero 
(Knopf). Thomas Sanchez joins them. 

His bold, vividly imagined novel set in 
Key West skillfully intertwines half a 
dozen story lines into the central tale of a 
Cuban-American cop searching through 
the wildly diverse collection of Conchs, 
Haitians, drug runners, Vietnam vets, 
gays, crazies, burnt-outs, barflies and ide- 
alists to find a killer. The plot, an ab- 
sorbing phantasmagoria in itself, is a way 
of exploring the history and culture of Key 
West, the southernmost extreme of the 
United States: “Mile Zero” of Highway 
One. This symbolic place is also our deep- 
est territorial incursion into the worlds of 
the Caribbean and Latin America—the 
end of the road and the start of the Ameri- 
can dream for legal and illegal refugees. 

Sanchez embellishes the natural 
metaphor of this island in dazzling pas- 
sages of poetic prose: the kind of language 
to give you a late-night literary high. Then 
he brings you back to earth with a rich cast 
of Faulk folk characiers— people 
such as St. Cloud, the burntout Sixties 
radical forgetting his losses in bottles of 
rum; MK, the Vietnam vet turned drug 
runner; Evelyn, who spent her youth sleep- 
ing with soldiers to persuade them not to 
go to Vietnam and now turns to women for 
love: Angelica, a sexy antifeminist who 

її take yes for an answer; Isaac, the dy- 


wont 
ing painter, who is a brilliant portrait of 
the artist as an old man: and Justo 
Tamarindo, the son of a Cuban cigar mak- 
er, who seeks moral truth in a town full of 
blurry ethical accommodations. 

Beyond the powerful storytelling and 
rich characterization, there is a spiritua 


1. Conjuring with Ke 
wes of teria, voodoo and 
Catholicism, Sanchez takes us to the meta- 
physical core of every character. He em- 
braces a swirl of philosophical ideas and 
themes on a big canvas and suggests 
through his island oddballs that each of us, 
no matter how mundane our lives, embod- 
ics a cosmological struggle. This novel is a 
rare and exhilarating expe 
liant wide-angle metaphorical treatise on 
modern American lile. 

If Mile Zero is a poetic distillation of re- 
ality, Jonathan Coleman's Exit the Rainmaker 
(Atheneum) is the nonfiction version of ev- 
eryone' secret fantasy. One day in 1982, a 
respected and beloved 47-year-old coll 
president, who lived in a 23-room Geor- 
gian house in southern Maryland with his 


Mile Zero: a Great American Novel. 


Explore Key West, 
indulge your secret fantasy 
and laugh your ass off. 


wife of М years, simply disappeared. Al- 
though about 600,000 missing persons are 
reported to the FBI cach year, few are suc- 
cessful men who walk away from it all with 
$28,000 in their pockets. Fewer still are lo- 
cated by a writer who tells the story of such 
a Walter Mitty fantasy in detail. 

The book begins with a step-by-step re- 
counting of how Jay Carsey's wife, col- 
leagues, family and friends were shocked 
to learn that he had disappeared, leaving 
only some brief, unenlightening farewell 
notes. Despite speculations, fears and even 
pursuit by a private investigator, Carsey 
could not be found. Coleman then details, 
often in the fugitives own words, how 
Carey had planned this disappearance 
over a period of six months, though the 
motivation for it was not clear, even to him. 
(Later, we learn about the pressures of his 
job, the problems in his marriage, his first 
infidelity and his suspicion that people 
liked him only for his position, not for 
himself.) Jay headed for El Paso, Texas, 
where he started tending bar, eventually 
remarried and spent years waveling. 

The New Yorker's laly correspondent, 
William Mu describes himself as a 
race-track degenerate who supports his 
habit by writing novels. Personally, 1 hope 
he never wins big enough to stop writing, 
because the comic capers of his alter ego, 
horse player/magician Shifty Lou Ander- 
son, “The Poor Mans Houdini," become 
more hilarious. with h book. In his 
fourth Shifty novel, The King of the Nighteap 
(Bantam), our hero becomes the owner of 


a horse with a belly so big it looks preg- 
nant. He also gets mixed up with a beauti- 
ful female jockey a priceless Mayan 
arüfact and ends up performing in a 
porno film as “Bram Stoker.” Murray has 
the lighthearted touch of a contemporary 
Damon Runyon and surrounds himself 
with a cast of eccentrics to match. 

Spcaking of comedy, The Fireside Treasury 
of New Humor (Fireside), edited by Al Sar- 
rantonio, is an uneven but occasionally 
hysterically funny collection of comedy 
writing from the past 15 years. This an- 
thology is worth having for P. J. O'Rourke's 
“How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Get- 
Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not 
Spill Your Drink” alone, but there are out- 
rageous contributions from lan Frazier, 
Roy Blount Jr, Joe Bob Briggs and Лот 
Bodet. At long last, some women have 
broken into the comedy club, including 
Delia Ephron, Merrill Markoe, Fran 
Lebowitz, Cynthia Heimel and Stephanie 
Brush (whose “Сап You Be Friends with 
Your Brain?" is a gem). 

Finally, Robert Olen Butler has written а 
heart-wrenching, bittersweet novel about a 
Vietnamese teenager called The Deuce (Si- 
mon & Schuster). Vo Dinh Thanh lives 
with his mother, a drug addict and prosti- 
tute, in Saigon until his American father 
comes to take him just before the collapse 
in 1975. He is renamed Anthony James 
Hatcher and tries to live in middle-class 
Point Pleasant, New Jersey But torn by 
personal demons and cultural conflicts, he 
runs away to 42nd Street in New York, 
known as "the Deuce" in street lingo, and 
takes on that nickname as his third identi- 
ty His struggle to survive in that slum 
nightmare and to come to grips with his 
Vietnamese heritage is told in the street 
wise voice of a hurt, scared kid. This is a 
tough, moving book. 


BOOK BAG 


Running the Amozon (Knopf), by Joe 
апе: Few places are as wild as the 4200 
miles of the Amazon River. If you remem- 
ber Martin Sheen's boat ride in Apocalypse 
Now, add drug smugglers, subtract Brando 
and prepare for an adventure. 

The Legend of Chris-Craft (Write Stuff), by 
Jeffrey L. Rodengen: For the better part of 
the past 115 years, Chris-Craft has been 
the name in American boating. This epic 
volume charts its course in pictures and 
words. Prepare for a long cruise through 
waters sometimes less than calm. 

How to Abuse and Insult Everyone!, by Fred 
Reiss: If you've ever been a few seconds too 
late with a comeback, buy Reiss ($6.95 to 
ВО. Box 1523, Pacifica, California 94044). 
те Dominos had 


springwear!” is a favorite. 


DAVE MARSH 


NO ROCKAND-ROLL story сап be complete 
without a healthy smudge of vulgarity, but 
despite what Sam Kinison and his wres- 
tling cronies seem to believe, vulgarity by 
itself is never sufficient. That's why the pri- 
orities of great rock and roll are far better 
fulfilled by N.W.A.'s Straight Outta Compton 
(Ruthless/Priority) and Sandra Bernhard's 
Without You I'm Nothing (Enigma). 

N.WA.'s musical settings first slice cur- 
rent R&B fashion to ribbons and then go 
оп to pretty up the latest in gang-culture 
bad-mouthing. There's not a track here to 
give a radio programmer comfort, and a 
whole bunch of what the group has to say 
(about women, drugs, cops and the sancti- 
ty of private property) will make any mod- 


erately civilized soul squirm. But that’s the 
point: N.WA. establishes its turf within 
Southern California's gangland street cul- 


turc by not just eschewing but cviscerating 
middle-dass morality. This isnt a bohemi- 
an stance; its the real thing—music to 
make the blood run cold, and for no better 
reason than just to make sure it fits into the 
culture that produced it. The group says 
itials stand for Niggas with Attitude. 
Sandra Bernhard is N.WA. with a smil- 
ing face. Sort of. From the first number, in 
which she guts cabaret singing, to the last, 
a riotous female-but-not-feminist reading 
of Prince's Little Red Corvette, she batters 
everything she loathes in contemporary 
culture, which is almost everything. Bern- 
hard is the perfect hipster, which means 
she reserves her deepest animosity for oth- 
er hipsters. And so, in the grand tradition 
of Lou Reed, as a brassy comedienne with 
attitude, Bernhard is a rock-and-roll star 
сусп if her covers of Zombies and Marvin 
Gaye tunes veer off in the direction of the 
night-club ditties she loves to loathe. 


Bernhard rock. 


Tough titters from 
Sandra Bemhard and even 
tougher stuff from N.W.A. 


don't hear a Fight for Your Right, 1 also 
wasn't smart enough to handicap Wild 
Thing as the biggest rap single in history. 
Bearing down on the cleverest rhymes in 
the biz—"Expanding the horizons and ex- 
ig the parameters / Expanding the 
of sucker т.с. amateurs"—the 
Beasties concentrate on tall tales rather 
than boasting or dissing. In their irrespon- 
sible, exemplary way, they make fun of 
drug misuse, racism, assault and other real 
vices fools may accuse them of. And be- 
cause they're still bad boys, other bad boys 
may take them seriously. 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


One reason nobody knew what thc 
Beastie Boys were going to do for an en- 
core is that Licensed to Ill redefined rap as 
‚ In a cutthroat world predicated on 
the insult, you don’t do that twice. But if 
Paul's Boutique (Capitol) doesn't jump you 
the way great rap usually does, it an- 
nounces that these guys aren't about to 
burn out on their yaunted vices—not chee- 
ba, not pussy, certainly not fame. With pro- 
ducer Rick Rubin now turning out hard 
rock full time, Pauls Boutique skips the сх- 
pansive pop-metal hooks that made the 
Beasties rich and famous. It’s not as thick 
and threatening as Public Enemy or as 
waggish as De La Soul, but the Beasties 
and Tone-Locs Dust Brothers have worked 
ош a sound that sneaks up on you with its 
stark beats and literal-minded samples, 
sometimes in a disturbing way. And while I 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


As a press agent's concept, “Donny Os- 
mond leaves his repressively inane past be- 
hind" is compelling. Unfortunately, as the 
idea behind his comeback, Donny Osmond 
(Capitol), it doesn't work. Escaping sister 
Marie to pose for pictures with Billy Idol 
and to become a less explicit George 
Michael—with black-leather jacket and 
stubble—does not qualify as liberation in 
my dictionary, But if your heart is heavy 
with nostalgia for Flock of Seagullstype 
synthesizer riffs, maybe it will in yours. 

Lately, I've been reaching for Bombs 
Away (Rykodisc), by Evan Johns and the 
H-Bombs, when I need a shot of adren- 
aline from my cassette player. A seventh- 
degree black belt in “Texas twang, Johns 
plays ferociously exuberant guitar and 
sings in exuberantly ferocious voice. Note 
that this is rock and roll, not the usual 


aerobic recycling of virtuoso blues that 
seems to be the norm in Texas. Johns and 
his H-Bombs are truly explosive (aided by 
the incendiary production of Gary Tallent 
from the E Street Band) and deserve a 
hearing beyond the roadhouse. 


NELSON GEORGE 


The O'Jays are back but without the leg- 
endary writer producers Kenny Gamble 
and Leon Huff. Once an unknown Ohio 
trio, the O'Jays became Gamble and Huff's 
favorite mouthpieces. But th 
1975, and Eddie Levert, Walter 
and Sammy Strain have moved on to con- 
trol their destiny. Levert, Williams and 
friend Terry Stubbs produced most of Seri- 
ous (EMI), with other cuts contributed by 
Gerald Levert and Mare Gordon of the 
O'Jays’ off-shoot trio, LeVert, and by Los 
Angeles-based producer Dennis Lam- 
bert. While the songs aren't as distinctive 
as the classic O'Jays hits, the singing is as 
soulful and stirring as ever. In fact, one of 


GUEST SHOT 


ALTHOUGH still best known for his gui- 
tarwork m the Police, Andy Summers’ 
career as а composer, a producer and 
an instrumentalist has taken off with 
“The Golden Wire,” his second solo 
LP. He was eager to hear the latest 
from some other multitalented music 
makers, the Neville Brothers. 

“Yellow Moon, in spite of a few 
flaws, is a great record. The out- 
standing — thing—as — always—is 
Aaron Neville's singing. It's the tone 
quality, the phrasing—all those 
things. His is a God-given gift—an 
extremely sweet sound—and the way 
he breaks into falsetto is spine-tin- 
gling. And the production here is 
great; I've never heard his voice so 
clearly on vinyl before. He and the 
band bring amazing interpretations 
to Bob Dylan songs, like With God 
on Our Side—very powerful, very 
soulful. Some of the material 
sounds a little too much like their 
usual New Orleans stufi—then 
again, theyre the kings of that 
genre. I recommend Fellow Moon 
highly. It solidifies the Neyilles’ place 
in American music in a big way.” 


FAST TRACKS 


| | | | 
Beastie Boys | | | | | 
Paul's Boutique 9 2 8 1 7 
Een ы, ШЕ om A д 
se ow loa | as lados 
2 AI 
Ы | 6 0 8 7 8 
Donny Osmond | 1 I DT +a) 18 


SEE ME, FEEL ME DEPARTMENT: Writer Dan- 
ny Sugarman, who moonlights as the 
Doors’ keeper of the flame, turned 
down a request from ‘Trojan condoms 
to use the Doors’ 1969 hit Touch Me in a 
commercial, Ah, life; ah, art! 

REELING AND ROCKING: Smokey Robinson 
is working out a deal to bring his auto: 
biography to the big screen. . .. Former 
Blaster Dave Al is writing songs for 
the next John Waters film, Cry Baby, a 
fantasy about the birth of rock and roll. 
The movie stars Johnny Depp, with ap- 
pearances by Iggy Pop, Traci Lords, Patty 
Hearst and that Fifties icon, Troy Don- 
ahve. . . . Depeche Mode 101, the band's 
movie, is raking in big bucks without 
any newspaper advertising. - - . Look 
for Dolly Parton, along with Shirley 
Maclaine and Sally Field, in Steel Magno- 
lias. . .. We're crossing our fingers: The 
Rock "m Roll High School sequel will 
likely have the Ramones involved 
again... . Yes, that’s Tiffany's voice doing 
Judy Jetson in Jetsons: The Movie. 

NEWSBREAKS: Jason Bonham and his 
band will have a debut album in the 
stores any day now. . . . Laurie Anderson 15 
planning a concert tour from October 
to April, doing а week in each place. 
Among the artists who will have boxed 
sets out before Christinas are the Bee 
Gees, Van Morrison, Simon and Garfunkel, 
the Byrds, Moody Blues, Bob Marley and 
the Who, to name a few. Last years Eric 
Clapton, Dylan and Bruce Springsteen sets 
each sold more than 250,000 copies. . . 
Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis are 100 busy 
starting up a record label and produc- 
ing thc likes of Janet Jackson to partici- 
patc in rcuniting their former band, 
the Time. . . . John Cougar Mellencamp has 
produced the debut album of James Mc- 
Murtry, son of novelist Larry (Last Picture. 
Show, Lonesome Dove) McMurtry. Mellen- 
camp says producing other people isn't 


his thing, but “this kid is such a wonder- 
ful writer.” Like father, like son. . . . 
Newcastle-Under-Lyme College in Eng- 
land will offer a 15-week summer 
course on the Beatles, free to students, 
thanks to a grant from the band’s 
record company. . . . Hall & Oates arc 
gearing up for their 18th album. . . . Nat- 
ойе Cole and Dionne Warwick arc ap- 
pearing together in Las Vegas right 
about now. . . . In other Dionne news: 
She, Patti LaBelle and Gladys Knight are 
planning anothcr ПВО special and a 
possible tour and record. . . . Rock mer- 
chandising is finally moving out of con- 
cert halls and record stores to malls and 
7-Elevens. Aside from the ubiquitous 
T-shirt, look for socks, beach towels and 
nightshirts. . КУ esos tius REST 
ing songs for a Culture Club reunion. 
The Sixties group Moby Grape has 1 re- 
united to produce a video documentary 
and an album. Only one problem: Le- 
gal snarls bar them from using the 
name that made them famous. So 
they're calling themselves the Melvilles. 
Get it? .. . The CBS ten-part series The 
Masters of R&B should be in full swing 
by now. Why can't this last past the sum- 
mer? ... Motown plans to merchandise 
its logo on clothes, hats, glasses and 
watches starting next year. . . . INXS 
wont begin recording a follow-up to 
Kick until November. . . . Finally, here's 
onc for all you frustrated performers, 
off-kcy singers and rhythmless dancers: 
"The International Association of Whis- 
ters and John Ascuaga’s Nugget in 
Reno, Nevada, invite you to The 
World's 12th International (foreign 
competition, even!) Whistle-Off on 
October 14—15. Work on something 
technically difficult. How about the 
Orange Blossom Special? 


— BARBARA NELLIS 


the pleasant things about Serious is how it 
showcases not only Levert's p: atc lead 
voice but Williams” mellow tenor. On the 
ballad Out of My Mind and the slow-tempo 
Lene It Alone, the interplay between the 
flashy Levert and the supple Williams 
makes the songs work. But Have You Had 
Your Love Today?, a hip-hop-R&B track, 
wants to be on the cutting edge of black 
pop but comes off contri Itis the more 
mainstream material that makes Serious, 
well, serious. 

Soul И Soul (Virgin) is the latest assault by 
the black British invasion. А concoction of 
two writer-producers, Jazzie B and Nellee 
Hooper, Soul II Soul attempts to present a 
ОК. interpretation of a wide range of 
African-American musical genres (тар, 
house, R&B). Mostly, the music is more in- 
teresting than compelling. The exception 
Ceep On Movin’, on which Caron Wheel- 
ers vocal floats over a track that blends 
a hip-hop drum-machine beat with а 
swirling string arrangement. The tension 
between the two sounds is exhilarating. 


a 


VIC GARBARINI 


Most fans willing to shell out almost $60 
for such box sets as Eric Clapton's Cross- 
roads or the Santana retrospectives expect 
to get all their heroes' hits, plus some rare 
or previously unreleased material. Dreams 
(Polygram), an Allman Brothers extrava- 
ganza, is the latest four-CD/six-album 
opus, put together by the same folks who 
brought you Crossroads. Duane and Gregg, 
aided by Dickey Betts, were arguably the 
best white blues-rock aggregation to come 
ош of the South. And while Dreams may 
be a musicologist’s delight, its many minor 
faults add up to a major irritation. Unlike 
Crossroads, where the hit version of the title 
tune was presented along with an invig- 
orating slow-burn alternate take from the 
Dominoes period, Dreams offers decidedly 
inferior takes of the band’s two most incen- 
diary, tight blues-rock romps, One Way Out 
and Statesboro Blues, and leaves out the 
classic originals. That’s infuriating! Also, 
the remixes from the Eat a Peach session 
add nothing; they just fiddle with the orig- 
inals enough to be pointlessly irritating. 
Why fix what doesn't need fixing? 

What does work is the quad-to-stereo 
remixes of the At Fillmore East live materi- 
al, which clarify and enrich without skew- 
ing the songs’ dynamics. Rarc highlights 
include a moving Dr. Martin Luther King, 
Jr, tribute by Gregg from 1968, God Rest 
His Soul, in which he truly finds his own. 
voice. Ditto an astonishing Duane solo 
piece from the same period, Goin’ Down 
Slow, which features the most profound 
white-blues guitar playing Ive ever 
heard—as if all of Clapton's Bluesbreakers 
sessions were squeezed into onc song. Not 
зо an almost 20-minute King Curtis trib- 
ute that highlights the Allmans’ worst 
fault, intermir esr jams that tend to nod 
out in the middle. Dreams could have been 
fascinating at half the length and price. 


Taste erd of ٠ 


© wed Baw T. £o. 


ЖАМАЛ? 
qin) 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


SPORTS 


E ch time college football season rolls 
around, I begin to ponder whether 
people can hold their own against wild 
animals, pets, colors and elements. 
Bears, Wildcats and Tigers abound, as we 
know, but there arc plenty of pcoplc out 
there, make no mistake. Sooners arc peo- 
ple, for instance. So are Cornhuskers, 
Mountaineers, Trojans, Rebels, Deacons 
and Tarheels. Even an Aggie is a person. 

Other people happen to be Cava- 
liers, Volunteers, Hoosiers, Cowboys, Spar- 
tans, Middies, Crusaders, Illini, Black 
Knights, Jayhawkers and Boilermakers. 

Which brings up something. Nothing 
against Purdue, a fine institution, but can 
you imagine a time in our nations history 
when a student body would actually choose 
Boilermakers for a nickname? 

Was it during the Industrial Revolution? 

The Fighting Irish are also people, 
though in the interest of accuracy, today 
they might better be known as the Notre 
Dame Fighting Ethnics. 

Frankly there are too many Tigers, 
Wildcats and Bears around, as I see й 

Tigers can be found at Clemson, LSU, 
Missouri, Auburn and Princeton, not to 
forget Memphis State, Jackson State, Texas 
Southern, Doane, Occidental, Sewanee, 
Trinity (Texas) and Morehouse, 

Wildcats are in evidence at Kentucky, 
Northwestern, Arizona and Kansas State, 
not to forget Villanova, Davidson, New 
Hampshire, Baker, Culver-Stockton and 
Abilene Christian 

Bears hibernate at Cal, Baylor and 
Brown, but there are Bruins at UCLA as 
well as Grizzlies at Montana and Polar 
Bears at Bowdoin. Berkeleys Bears are 
golden, by the way, which doesn't explain 
ит» are Old Blue. 
numerous pets in existence in 
the form of Georgia and Yale Bulldogs, 
Washington Huskies, Oregon Ducks, Ore- 
gon State Beavers, Minnesota Gophers, 
Wisconsin Badgers, Virginia Tech: Gob- 
blers, Boston U Terriers, Texas Longhorns, 
Rice and Temple Owls, and some might 
even concede TCU Horned Frogs and 
Maryland ‘Terrapins, which are ‘Terps to 
headline writers and Turtles to people who 
live in lagoons. 

What about elements, you may ask? FII 
give you elements. There are Hurricanes 
at Miami and Tulsa, though how a Hurri- 
cane would get to Tulsa is unclear, and 
there are Cyclones at lowa State. 

Atthe same time, there are at least three 


зо Oceans that 1 know of. There is the Crim- 


By DAN JENKINS 


THE NAMES 
IN THE GAME 


son Tide of Alabama, the Green Wave of 
‘Tulane and the Waves of Pepperdine, but 
none has ever scheduled a game against 
the Stoned Surfers. 

Why? Because there are no Stoned 
Surfers, officially, just as there are по 
Alpacas, Armadillos, Boobies, Camels, 
Thistles, Dachshunds, Orangutans, Pos- 
cupincs, Whippoorwills, Rulfcd Grouses, 
Gnus, Iguanas, Egrets or Fighting Ro- 
dents. 

Of equal interest is the fact that in a 
modern society, there are no Fighting 
Sheetrockers, Fighting ‘Tree Planters, 
Fighting Pest Controllers, Fighting Roof- 
ers, Fighting Plumbers or Fighting Wall- 
paperers to suit up on Thanksgiving Day 
and do battle against their traditional ri- 
vals, the Fighting Pool Cleaners, the Fight- 
ing Appraisers, the Fighting Real Estate 
Agents, the Fighting Loan Officers, the 
Fighting Defense Attorneys and the Fight- 
ing Sportswriters. 

Much is left to be done in this country. 

Among people, a study shows that many 
of them are Indians. Bands of Indians 
roam the campuses of William & Mary, Ar- 
kansas State, McMurry, Catawba, North- 
cast Louisiana and Juniata, while bands of 
Redskins are at Miami of Ohio and Red- 
men roam the campuses of Ripon and 


s 
Florida State, Aztecs at San Diego State, 
Sioux at North Dakota, Chippewas at Cen- 


tral Michigan, Choctaws at Mississippi Col- 
lege, a Tribe at Huron and, don't kid me, 
the Orangemen at Syracuse used to be 
Savages before they became a color. 

All this despite Stanford's efforts to 
stamp ош Indians a few years back. 

In Palo Alto one swell day in the early 
Seventies, a small group of "Native Ameri- 
cans"—I say they were led by Sitting Bull's 
eighth ex-cousin by marriage—brought 
pressure to bear on a spineless administra- 
tion, saying that the name Indians “de- 
meaned their heritage; 

The administr: ranged a “student 
referendum” (at least six students out of 
12,000 are known to have voted), and the 
once proud Stanford Indians, who used to. 
go to the Rose Bowl a lot when they were 
Indians, suddenly became a silly color, the 
Stanford Cardinal. 

"This change still doesn't sit well with the 
school's old grads, nor has it ever been any- 
thing but a joke to the students, who from 
time to time will агу to arrange another 
referendum and get the name changed to 
something more appropriate, such as the 

Wealthy Few or the Robber Barons. I hap- 
pen to have a danghter who graduated 
from Stanford, and it was she who once 
said, “If we want to be like the Harvard 
imson, why not go all the way and be- 
come the Stanford Harvards? 

There are other colors around, to be 
sure. There is a Big Green at Dartmouth, 
which also used to be Indians, a Red and 
Blue at Penn, a Big Red at Cornell, a Big 
Red at Denison and some Maroons here 
and there. 

Probably not many kiddies around who 
remember that the University of Chicago 
Maroons used to play football in the Big 
Ten when it was the Big Nine. 

That was before the intellectuals on the 
campus decided that college football was a 
beastly endeavor, something that ought to 
be dropped so they could devote full time 
to inventing the atomic bomb. 

Mississippi State once had Maroons, too, 
before they became Bulldogs. For years 
they were Maroons, but I'm not entirely 
sure it ever was a color- 

My Websters Collegiate Dictionary says а 
maroon is ive negro slave of the 
West Ind па in the 17th and 
18th Centu 

Get back to me on that. 


If you think people might think you order Chivas to show off, 
maybe you're thinking too much. 


МЕМ 


A: gendo ems its ubt 
few months, the Eighties will be 
dead and gone. We'll «ay farewell to the 
decade that brought us Ronnie and Nancy 
and Ollie and Madonna. Gosh, what titans 
they were, too! Isn't it awful to lose them 
like this? 

What's ahead for us in the Nineties? Will 
Bill Bradley capture the White House in 
1992? Will the Chicago Cubs finally play in 
the world series in 1995, exactly 50 years 
after their last series appearance? Will 
communism crumble before religious tun- 
damentalism in 1999? 

Wait a minute; this is a Men column. I al- 
most forgot what I was writing here. These 
questions don't cut it. These questions 
aren't at the center of mens hearts. 

Face it; the major question for men as 
they enter the Nineties has nothing to do 
s or sports or religion. No way. 
Us guys will be asking only one question as 
this decade passes: Will I get laid in the 
Nineties? is all we'll be thinking about on 
Tanuary first. 

You've come to the right place to find out. 
about your sexual future, men. Because 
“The Nineties Sex Quiz" that follows is a 
true indicator of your chances and possi- 
bilities. The men who take this test and. 
pass it will be drowning nightly in the liq- 
vids of love, all the way from 1990 to the 
year 9000. But those who fail this quiz face 
a very dry ten years in the desert. Tough 
choices for tough guys, right? 

If you're man enough, take the quiz. If 
you're chicken, pass it by. And please note: 
If youre a woman, do not read it. You 
would learn too much about us, and you 
know enough already, thank you. 

1. The best opening line for the Nineties 
will be 

A. “Hi, I'm an investment banker. 
B. “Hi, I’m a commodities broker.” 
C."Hi, I'm a lawyer.” 
D. “Ні, I'm not in debt.” 
2. The new dance of the decade will be 
A. The Donald Trump jump 
B. The George Bush surf" glide 
C. The Frank Zappa fox trot 
D. The ayatollah stomp. 
3.70 get in shape for sex, men vill 
A. Pump iron 
B. Play golf 
C. Play tennis 
D. Pump fur 
4. To get in shape for sex, women vill 
A. "Take aerobic-dance classes 
B. Practice yoga 
C. Take aikido 


By ASA BABER 


THE NINETIES 
SEX QUIZ 


D. Inventa nuclear-powered vibrator 
5. The percentage of women who reach 
orgasm with you while having intercourse 
during the Nineties will be 
A. 95 percent 
B. 35 percent 
C. 75 percent 
D. Youll never really know, asshole 
6. The sexiest gift for a woman will be 
A. A dozen roses 
B. A red Ferrari 
C. A diamond necklace. 
D. All extant copies of your prenup- 
alipalimony agreements 
he sexiest scent that will appeal to 
in the Nineties will be 
А. Eau de cologne 
B. Eau de sperm 
Eau de musk 
. Eau de surrender 
8. The best sexual lubricant will be 
A. K-Y jelly 
В. Exxon sludge 
C. Coconut oil 
D. Penis butter 
9. The favored sexual position for wom- 
en during intercourse will be 
A. Woman astride/man below 
B. Man above/woman below 
le by side/belly to belly 
D. The one she tried while she said she 
was visiting her sister, with three basc- 
ball players, a trucker and a trapeze 
10. As a sign that she is your love slave 


during the Nineties, your woman will 
A. Give you a hand job any time, any- 
where 
B. 


. Give you a blow job nightly 
С. Compose a pornographic poem 
about Mr. Happy and read it unan- 
nounced at the next city-council meeting 
D. Go pantiless every day of the week 
11. The sexiest clothing a man can wear 
during the Nineties will be 
A. A gray three-piece suit 
В. Sweat shirt and jeans 
C. A short pink skirt and a cute little 
blouse with shoulder pads 
D. Nothing at all 
12. The sexiest clothing a woman can 
wear during the Nineties will be 
A. An open Eisenhower jacket, a red 
garter belt and red pumps 
В. A very thin lcopardskin Icotard 
С. A SIZE COUNTS, WIDTH MATTERS, SO LET 
GO OF MY EARS, BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I'M DO- 
ın Tshirt 
D. Nothing at all 
13. By the year 2000, men and women 
will be 
A. Feuding and fighting. 
B. Shucking and jiving 
C. Swinging and slinging 
D. Just plain doing it 
14. The ideal woman of the Nineties 
will be 
A. Tall and sensuous 
B. Short and erotic 
С. Medium and carnal 
D. Indecent, improper, racy, sugges- 
live, exciting, seductive, sexy, tantaliz- 
ing, hedonistic, luscious, lusty, earthy, 
bawdy, amorous, fervent, eager, provoca- 
tive, humorous, impassioned, romantic, 
torrid, turned on, wanton, orgasmic, 
risqué and X rated 
15. Ло compute your score on this quiz, 
you should 
A. Multiply the number of “A” an- 
swers by your age 
B. Divide the number of 
by pi 
C. Ask your mommy to figure it out 
D. Unilaterally declare that you 
passed it, toss it ош and go play 
arly Happy New Decade to you, 
men. The Nineties will be filled with chal- 
lenges, but we all know the one that is at. 
the top of our list. May the bluebird of sex- 
uality visit your doorstep on a regular basis 
and may the new decade bring you all love, 
peace and wonderment. 


nswers 


ШҮ Ma [ШЕП 


SUUM ===== 


ШТІ! 
HUUU 


Ul 


©1989 ЕМС 


How To Cope When It Starts Getting Lonely At The Top. 


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WOMEN 


I just had the most fabulous bath. I used 
perfumed oil with egg, honey and 
vanilla in it. I am now moisturized and. 
smell like a cross between a garden and a 


n Im a designing woman? 
Ive just read the July Playboy, within 
which I found a story about how there is a. 
new strain of woman. А woman who wants. 
to be taken care of, who looks for a rich 
man by going to fancy health clubs, who 
wants to have many babies and to be sup- 
ported. À woman who manipulates, who 
flatters, who will do anything to get that 
wedding band. So I take a sweet bath to, 
let's face it, become optimally attractive. Is 
this playing fair? Is this what my column's 
about? No, my column is explaining stuff 
we do and know that men don't have a clue 
about. Like trying on a bathing suit. 

1. Trying on a bathing sui 

You don't know. You think we just grab a 
few suits, take them to the dressing room, 
decide which one makes us look most like 
the cover of Sports Illustrated and buy it. 

Hah. Wear a bathing suit, and we may as 
well be naked. So what if our genitals are 
covered? Those small yet disgusting po 
ets of flab about the waist are visible, the 
cellulite pocks are screaming for attention, 
those saddlebag thighs glow like beacons. 
When trying on bathing suits, we, who 
have spent two or so decades learning how 
to usc clothes creatively to mask body 
flaws, immediately become suicidal. 

It’s early June, and I just got a call from 
Cleo. 

"I'm going shopping for a bathing suit.” 
she said in a voice of death. 
ave you taken a Valium?" I asked. 
double dose. But you still have to 
come with me." 
No, I don't. Just remember that. the 
overhead lighting in the changing booths 
is Ше most hideously unflauering light 
there is. With overhead lighting, you may 
as well have neon arrows flashing at body 
flaws. You'll be fine.” 
ck you, I will not. Last time, I be- 
came so despondent that I bought nothing, 
went right to Haagen-Dazs, gained twelve 
pounds from one double hot-fudge sundae 
and stayed in my room all summer. 

ОК, Dil be right over." 

(Should I be telling this? Is tl 
ing ammunition to the enemy 


s just giv- 
ke when I 


drove me crazy was 
mediately went out and fucked everything 
he saw? Are men the enemy? What's my 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


THINGS WE DO 


positon here?) 

2. Clothing. 

It drives us slightly insane that, when go- 
ing out to some fancy restaurant for din- 
ner in our great new jump suit, cven the 
most sophisticated man will say, "Is that a 
new dress or what?” We women, who could 
all be awarded honorary doctorates in 
outfits, become despondent at our mates’ 
lack of discernment and vocabulary. We 
would be thrilled if men knew what a 
bolero was, what a peplum was, but we 
would be satisfied if they could tell a dress 
from а skirt from a jump suit. 

Dress: One item of clothing that goes 
from neckline to hem. Never pants. 

Skirt: A garment that starts at the waist 
and goes downward to anywhere from 
thigh to ankle. Again, not pants. 

Jump suit: Pants and a top made into 
опе garment. Think gas-station attendant. 

Bolero: A jacket no longer than waist 
length 

Peplum: A sudden, slightly mentally ill 
flare at the waist that goes to or past the 
hips. Especially helpful if the hips are 
mammoth or the stomach protrudes. 

(There I go again. Now when a man 
goes out with a girl wearing a peplum, he 
will smirk knowingly.) 

he thing is, dear masculine reader, 
that there is a method to my columns. Гат 
out to prove that women are not Martians, 
that the glossy, peplum-wearing creature 
with highlighted hair is just another hu- 


man being full of insecurity and weird- 
ness. Some are smart, some are stupid, 
none come from another planet. I figure if 
I do this, I am bridging the abyss. That 
men won't be so afraid of and, therefore, 
so angry at women, that they will em- 
pathize. So I trust you enough to take you 
into the bathing-suit changing room. I am 
a saint. But maybe I don't belong in this 
magazine at all. Maybe it’s like a clubhouse 
where men can be rowdy and mean and 
sexist and nobody will bother them. 

3. At the hairdresser. 

It is true that women will tell their hair- 
dresser anything. We live in fear that he 
will make us look like Margaret Thatcher, 
so if he wants to know about our sex lives 
or tax crimes, fine. Some of us go to a hair 
colorist, too. We're just as afraid of him. 
There are two types of hair coloring—sin- 
gle process and highlighting. Single proc- 
ess is getting your hair colored one color 
all over. This lasts for about three days and 
then the dreaded roots appear. 5о we try 
highlighting, which costs a weeks salary 
and involves having your hair wrapped їп 
tin foil for hours. Only the odd strand is 
colored, so we can often last with high- 
lighting for months. This is why you see 
many zebra-striped blondes around. 

While we're wrapped im foil, we may 
have bikini waxing, so we can (ha, ha) look 
good in a bathing suit. That entails lying 
оп a table while a woman in a white uni- 
form paints hot wax on your pubic hai 
She then covers the wax with a strip of 
cloth and rips the hair out. This hurts in- 
tensely, bul we want to be beautiful. 

(Yes, ves! We do try to trap men with our 
wiles! We do! And we do usually want a 
commitment, something solid and lasting! 
So suc us! Would you be happier if we all 
went around in sneakers and hairy legs, 
getting fatter and fatter? You'd kill us.) 

I kind of liked that article about design- 
ing women. Because the underlying mes- 
sage—so subtle you could have missed it, 
so I'm telling you—is that men blew it. 
Women wanted to be out in the work force, 
the author says, but men never even picked 
up their socks, so women ended up work- 
ing two jobs, home and office. Now women 
are giving up and looking for a provider. 
The message: Do your chores or you'll be 
turned into a meal ticket, and it may al- 
ready be too late. 

4. Birth control: what it feels like. 

Maybe next month. 


Look out 
below 


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you gave 
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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


[Hinc you eec heard of something 
called a Coney Island whitchsh?—E. K., 
Dallas, Texas. 

It's another name for а condom. And, for 
those of you looking for le mot juste, here’s a 
dictionary of condom synonyms, from Susan 
Zimet and Victor Goodmans “The Great 
Cover Up: A Condom Compendium": Ameri- 
can letter, American tips, armorlarmor bag, 
armorial guise, assurance caps, baby bal- 
loons, baglbaggie, balloon, baudruche, bish- 
op, bladder policies, buckskin, cabinet of 
love, calotte d'assurances, capote anglaise, 
cheater, chemisette, circular protector, coat, 
condrum, Coney Island whitefish, cover, cun- 
dum, Cutherean shield, diving suit, dog, 
dreadnought, eelskin, English cloak, English 
hat, English overcoat, English riding coat, 
envelope, fearnought, fishskin, French bau- 
druche, French letter, French male safe, 
French safe, Frenchy, frog, frogskin, gant des 
dames, garbage bag, glove (Old English), 
goody bag, gossy, Grecian cap, gun, hat, 
Hefty garbage bag, instrument of safety, Ital- 
ian letter, jo-bag, Johnnie, joy bag, kinga, la- 
tex, letter, luble, machine, male pessary, male 
safe, Malthus cap, manhole cover, meat cas- 
ing, neurodh (Hindi), never-foiling engine, 
nighicap, one-fingered glove, one-piece over- 
coat, peau divine, penis, penis wrapper, 
phallic, Port Said garter, postocalyptrons, 
раст айу, propho, prophylactic, protec- 
tive, protector, raincoat, receptacle for wild 
cats, redingote anglaise, rubber, rubber 
balloon, rubber duckie, safe, safely, safety 
cap, safety sheath, scum-bag, sheath, shield, 
shoe, shower cap, skin, Spanish letter, special- 
lies, sweater, thimble, thing, trousers and, 
finally, very tight trousers. 


ДА couple of the guys at the local tennis 
club haye switched to wide-body rackets. 
They claim that the thicker rackets give 
them more power. Is this bullshit or 
physics?—A. K., Skokie, Illinois. 

If you hold a regular tennis racket іп а 
forehand grip, the width of the side is about 
18 millimeters. The rim provides a place to 
stretch gut, taking away your only valid ex- 
cuse for missing a shot. When you hit the ball, 
there is some flex to the standard-size head. 
The new designs increase the width of the rim 
from 18mm lo between 25mm and 38mm: 
The shift from narrow to wide rims gives ex- 
tra stiffness and less flex. (In the past, this 
was accomplished by changing the material 
in the пт.) The result is greater power and 
more depth to your shots, Power is fun, but 
then, so is finesse. Ask to borrow one of the 
rackets for a weekend or try to find a demo. 
The new design could change your game 
into a form of limited warfare or shred it 
completely. 


WI, girlfriend says that she can reach or- 
gasm from nipple stimulation alone. Since 
I never engage in nipple stimulation alone, 


l havent witnessed the phenomenon 
firsthand, Have you ever heard of such a 
152—5. D., Chicago, Illinois. 

Kids today. Whatever happened to heavy 
petting? It sounds to us as though your girl- 
friend has just given you a subtle hint that 
ym are rushing your foreplay Give her 
breasts an hour or so of your undivided at- 
tention and see what happens. Or take along 
a feather duster, oils or a vibrator, Consider 
drawing a string of pearls across her skin. 
Try finger painting or drawing with felt-tip 
pens. Everything you need you learned in 
kindergarten. It pays to periodically rehearse 
the basics. When was the last time you simply 
Kissed. for an hour? 


п Japan, I was introduced to a deli 
seafood item called uni. The outside shell 
was spiny, like a small porcupine. The 
t inside was something like salmon 
caviar but and more luscious. I 
haven't been able to find it here. What's the 
glish name? Can you tell me whether i 
available in the U.S., and where? I would 
also appreciate information on how to 
handle, prepare and serve this spiny sea 
creature.—E S., St. Louis, Missouri. 

The English name for the uni you enjoyed 
in Japan is sea urchin, About 500 species of 
this spiny creature can be found in coastal 
waters around the world—including our 
сит. While sea urchins are appreciated in 
countries such as Japan, France and Italy, 
they're still rather exotic in the U.S. However, 
the demand is gradually rising, as people like 
you encounter and savor them in foreign 
countries. 

The edible parts of the sea urchin are the 
fingers of orange roe, which line the inside of 
the shell. They have a very delicate, sweet sa- 
line taste and a rich, smooth consistency. Sea- 


urchin fanciers prefer to eat the roe raw, 
perhaps dressed with a squeeze of lemon juice 
or with finely chopped onion. The Japanese 
also use the тое as a topping for sushi or 
mixed with seasonings to make a savory 
spread. Fancy restaurants here and in France 
may use the voe as a sauce ingredient or as 
the basis of a special dish. Le Bernardin in 
New York offers an exquisite. preparation 
called Baked Sea Urchins in the Shell with 
Their Own Butter, in which whole roe fingers 
are baked, then dressed in a creamy, buttery 
sauce that incorporales puréed roe. Fournous 
Ovens Restaurant in San Franciscos Stan- 
ford Court Hotel used to serve a sea-urchin 
timbale as a side dish, Is a kind of unsweet- 
ened custard flavored with puréed тос. 

Sea urchins can be found in Oriental or 
Italian fish markets, particularly in ethnic 
neighborhoods, Preparation isn't difficult. 
After thoroughly washing the outside of the 
shell in salt water, remove the membranous 
circle at the bottom. Clean out and discard 
the liquid and the dark strands left in the 
shell; rinse lightly. Pour any dressing directly 
into the shell, then scoop out the тое fingers; 
or take them from the shell first and dress 
them on your plate. Either way, its an adven- 
ture in eating. 


ama 27-year-old man, and while I rarely 
do the singles-bar scene, I did meet a w 
an through mutual friends at a night club 
recently. We had a very enjoyable evening 
together. I took her home and, largely at 
my urging, 1 spent the night. Now, here's 
the problem. After seeing this woman a 
few times after our encounter, Гуе realized 
that she is the kind of person 1 would like 
to get to know better and maybe even have 
a relationship with. 1 feel, however, that 
something is missing because we slept to- 
gether before we really knew each other. Is 
there any way to get that “somethin; 
back, or have I just learned an important 
lesson about human sexuality2—M. R., 
Chicago, Illinois. 

Youre suffering from what we call Groucho 
Marx syndrome, named after the comedian 
who said, "I refuse to belong to a club that 
would have me as a member.” Do you think 
that this woman was easy because she liked 
you enough to sleep with you first and ask 
questions afterward? Do you think she has 
bad taste because she was persuaded by your 
pushy seduction? Lighten up. If you think of 
sex as the carrot you hold out for someone as а 
reward for the incredibly complicated job of 
discovering the real you, then you have sort of 
reversed the process. We have always thought 
sex was a way of finding out something about 
the other person. From the sound of it, you ате 
already having a relationship—you just got a 
head start on the good parl. 


Have you ever heard of the Thai body 
scrub? One of my friends who visited 


37 


PLAYBOY 


Bangkok started to describe it as the most 
erotic thing he had ever experienced, but 
then his girlfriend walked back into the 
room and 1 didnt get the details. —Q. J., 
Boston, Massachusetts. 

And so, rather than call your. friend the 
next day, you decided to write to the fount of 
all sexual wisdom and see if we were awake? 
Whe 
mail? Luckily for you, we're in a good mood. 
The Thai body scrub is the ultimate іп рек 
sonal hygiene 
room, at the bottom of an empty pool or in а 
basement—wherever there is a floor drain. 
Inflate a small air mattress. You lie on the 
mattress. Your girlfriend rubs your body with 
bath oil, then rubs her own body with bath oil, 
then dumps a bucket of soapsuds over the 
mattress. She scrubs your body with her body, 
It's called slipping and sliding. The inevitable 
happens. Then you hese everything down 
and wait until the next wash day 


if our response had gotten lost in the 


You perform it m a shower 


F have a rather extensive collection of au- 
dio cassettes and, consequently, I don't play 
the same tape often. It seems that because 
of disuse, something happens to the 
tapes—many of them screech. Can you tell 
me what causes this, what I can do, if any- 
thing, to correct the malfunction and what 
may be done to prevent it?—A. G., Storm- 
ville, New York 

Squeal on prerecorded cassettes is a com- 
mon problem, often due to the shells them- 
selves. Inexpensive shells warp because of 


heat and humidity, causing the reel hubs to 
bind slightly, giving off the annoying noise 
you hear Sometimes, after a cassette is played 
quite a bit, the slip sheets on it wear away and 
create a squeal. You can remove the tape from. 
the shell and transfer the music to а high- 
quality cassette (available in kit form from 
music shops, but ils a somewhat tedious job; 
take it to an audio specialty shop for repair). 
Or you may find it cheaper lo replace the 
tapes that squeal. In the future, you may want 
to сору undamaged tapes onto high-quality 
cassettes. Keep them away from extremes of 
temperature and humidity, as well as from 
magnetic fields, 


Fo: a liule more than a year now, I have 
been employed as a retail-store clerk while 
pursuing a musical career. 1 dont get out 
very much and do not have a lot of 
confidence about meeting women anyway 
However, there is a woman who works with 
me for whom I have developed very strong 


feclings. Over the past several months, 1 
have gotten to know her better, as we have 
been working late together. After several 
weeks of being very close to her, I bet 


110 
feel as if 1 were getting signals from her. 
Not necessarily sexual signals but those 
that might indicate she was interested in 
me asa person. Eventually, I decided to ask 
her to dinner. Well, as it happened, those 
signals Id been reading were nothing 
more than wishful thinking on my part 
When І did ask her out, her reaction was 


one of astonishment. She became very 
flustered, saying she never expected any 
such proposal from me. When she did 
gather her thoughts, she told me she would 
feel very uncomfortable going out with a 
co-worker, as she had dated co-workers be- 
fore and had had bad experiences. I told 
her it was simply a friendship date with no 
strings attached and asked her to at least 
give me a chance. She said she would think 
about it. A few weeks later, I asked her if I 
could Again, I caught 
her off guard. She finally said that she just 
wouldn't feel comfortable going out with 
me, but she didn’t want to hurt me by drag- 
ging her final answer out any longer. Un- 
fortunately, I havent been able to let go. I 
see this girl every day and have fallen 
deeply in love with her. We are still able to 
communicate on a professional level, even 
though Um sure she knows I am still carry- 
ing a torch for her. 1 think that spilling my 
guts or asking her out again would make 
her feel awkward, embarrassed and per- 
haps a bit frightened. This is definitely а 
case of unrequited love, I truly am crazy 
about this girl. Any suggestionsz—P. C., 
Baltimore, Maryland. 

Yes. Lighten up. We've never met а woman 
who held a principle of office politics higher 
than personal attraction. Our guess is that 
her rejection was a polite way of telling you 
that there was no mutual attraction. How 
ever, on the off chance that she meant what 
she said, offer to quit. Find another job. That 


ake her to lunch. 


toli. For the purist. 


Not just smooth, silky smooth. Not just vodka, Stolichnay: 


шау, she may date you; but if not, you will 
have al least replaced the stage-set for this 
soap opera with a new cast of characters. 
Since you are a musician, write a couple of 
songs about unrequited love. Sing them until 
you are bored silly or rich and famous. Look 
for dates in the area of your greatest passion 
(music), not your day job (salesclerk). What 
you have here isn't true feeling but a fantasy. 
Tis пісе to indulge, but real life is a lot more 
interesting 


Over the years, I have enjoyed reading 
the Advisor guidelines for tipping. I dont 
believe that you have ever covered a wed- 
ding or a reception. I know that tips for the 
waiters and the bartenders are included in 
the catering charges. However, for all the 
other services, in addition to the agreed- 
upon price, should there be a tip for the 
florist who will provide flowers at the 
church, the reception and the dinner; 
the photographer who will be present at 
the ceremony, the reception and the din- 
ner; the musicians who will play and 
sing during the ccremony; the band that 
will play and sing during the reception 
and the dinner; the choirmaster at the 
church; the wedding coordinator at the 
church; the officiating minister; the lim- 
ousine driver; the catering manager at 
the hotel that is the venue for the rehearsal 
dinner; and the catering manager at the 
other hotel that is the venue for the recep- 
tion and the dinner dance? If so, how 


much?—R. R., Beverly Hills, California 

What? No tip for the father of the bride? 
The only person on this list whom you'd want 
1o tip would be the limousine driver. The other 
professional participants of your wedding 
should be paid an agreed-upon fec that 
should be negotiated in advance. 


[| recently met a man who is into obscure 
Oriental sex techniques. He says that a 
Taoist master once suggested harnessing 
the energy of the sun for sex by walking in- 
10 а garden with an erection and pointing 
it at the sun. You're supposed to imagine 
the power coming into the organ, filling it 
with warmth and then, when you finally 
make love, radiating into your partner. Is 
this guy pulling my leg?—Miss D. М, San 
Francisco, California. 

Something like this is mentioned in “The 
Taoist Secrets of Love,” by Master Матак 
Chia, It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 
Our research staff says thal the technique is a 
great way to tell time and that the only benefit 
to sex comes when you ask your partner to ap- 


ply the sun block 


ve been told that tequila has hallucino- 
genic properties. Is there anything to 
that?—]. Т. Detroit, Michigan. 

No. . . but there's a story behind that belief 
Tequila ts made from the blue-agave plant 
(whach, contrary fo popular belief, is not a va- 
riety of cactus). The Aztec name for all agave 
plants was mezcal, and to this day, spirits 


made from agaves other than the blue variety 
are called mezcal. Now, heres where the plot 
thickens: Mezcal is frequently misspelled mes 
cal by Norte Americanos. As it happens, 
there is a cactus called mescal from which 
a hallucinogenic substance, mescaline, is 
derived. The mix-up in spelling and pronun- 
ciation (and a good measure of gullibility) 
has fostered the myth of tequilas hallucino- 
genic properties, 


WM nat are the odds of a condom’ break- 
ing during sex?—S. P, New York, New York 

Consumers Union surveyed 3300 lovers 
and calculated that during normal inter 
course, one condom in 165 breaks. The break 
age тие for anal sex is one condom in 105. 
Concern over condom performance has sent 
manufacturers back to the drawing board. 
Carter-Wallace, the maker of Trojans, has t 
troduced an extra-strength condom with more 
durable latex for those of you who want better 
mileage and. performance from your rubber 
or who want a little subliminal advertising 
оп your bedside table. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
Sood and drink, stereo and sports cars todating 
problems, taste and etiquette—uill be person: 
ally answered if the writer includes а stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinvis 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


E 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


If Oklahoma Congressman Mike 
Synar has his way, it will be illegal to 
hold the Kool Jazz Festival; it will be un- 
lawful to produce a baseball cap with 
the word winston on it; it will be illegal 
to picture a woman ina Virginia Slims 
ad; it will be unlawful for a bus with 
a cigarette advertisement displayed on 
its side to be driven near a school. 

Synar has introduced legislation in 
Congress to ban the use of models, 
logos, scenes or colors in tobacco ad- 
vertisements. If the bill 
passes, tobacco ads will be 
limited to black type on 
white paper and the only 
picture allowed will be a 
life-size one of the product 
package. Even these adver- 
lisernents may not appear 
in certain locations, such 
as sports arcnas or within 
500 feetof a school, 

The "words only" ap- 

proach to tobacco ads is 
nothing less than a ban in 
sheep's dothing, providing 
potential consumers with 
virtually nothing to alert 
them to the existence of le- 
gal products. Apparently, 
Synar intends 10 censor 
speech by making tobacco 
ads as dull as most speech- 
es on the floor of Con- 
gress. Indeed, he and his 
supporters have tried un- 
successfully in the past two 
sessions of Congress to ban 
all tobacco ads. They con- 
cede that their “long-term 
goal—a total ad ban— 
hasn't changed." 

The effort to have the Fed Gov- 
ernment micromanage advertising im- 
agery does butt up against one major 
legal impediment—the First Amend- 
ment. Although the Supreme Court 
recognizes some differences between 
traditional political speech and com- 
mercial speech, it takes a hefty reason 
to justify Government regulation of ad- 
vertising. In order to determine what 
kind of commercial speech is protect- 
ed, the Court developed a test with sev- 
eral parts. The first part asks whether 


By Barry W. Lynn 


the ad is about a lawful product. Tobac- 
co products are, of course, legal for 
adults, though the majority of states bar 
purchase by minors. Synar has focused. 
on the children's issue—even naming 
his bill The Children’s Health Protec- 
tion Act (the same tactic that Congres- 
sional and state lawmakers use in order 
to ban pornography). He is convinced 
that cigarette marketers target young 
people to take up a habit he finds loath- 
some and dangerous. His allies in the 


antismoking war, such as The Coalition 
on Smoking OR Health, like to point 
out that Camel cigarettes’ 75th-birth- 
day ad campaign is geared to teens. In 
the ad, а comic cartoon camel wearing 
sunglasses on its forehead and a World 
War Two bomber jacket is shown with a 
cigarette dangling from its mouth. Itis 
hard to imagine any kid raised in the 
Eighties finding this a turn-on. Even if 
he did, the Supreme Court has made 
it clear that regulations are unconsti- 
tutional if they “reduce the adult pop- 
ulation . . . to reading what is fit 


for children." 

The second part of the Supreme 
Court test questions whether ads аге 
misleading. Synar recently sent a letter 
to all members of Congress seeking 
their cosponsorship of his legislation, 
saying that tobacco ads should be regu- 
lated because they “[link] smoking to 
a successful, healthy and active life- 
style. . . ” This is nothing more or less 
than what advertising does for any 
other product. How many ads can you 

cite that send the message 
that the person who uses a 
certain product is a miser- 
able failure? Furthermore, 
all you have to do is check 
out the postswimming ac- 
tivity on the beach at Day- 
хопа at spring break or 
visit a Virginia stream on 
the opening day of fishing 
season to find plenty of suc- 
cessful, active people who 
happen to smoke. There is 
nothing misleading about 

depicting the truth. 
“The third part of the 
Supreme Court test asks if 
there is a substantial Gov- 
ernment interest that is 
directly advanced by the 
regulation. In this case, 
will neutering the Marl- 
boro Man or Virginia Slim 
really cause some people 
not to pick up the smoking 
habit and thus be health- 
i ў ble evidence 
suggests that it will not. In 
countries with bans on to- 
bacco advertising, there is 
nosignificant decline in use. In Norway, 
hich banned tobacco ads in 1975, four 
times morc children between seven and 
15 smoke than in Hong Kong, where 
there are no advertising restrictions, 
and 42 percent of adults smoke, one 
third more than in the United States. 
Wally Snyder of the American Adver- 
tising Federation notes, “If your best 
friend smokes, you might smoke. If 
Mom and Dad light up after every 
meal, you might learn to do the same. 
But youre certainly not going to start 
because you went to the Virginia Slims 


41 


42 


tennis tournament." 

The bill's proponents argue that the 
effect of tobacco ads is subtle, a kind of 
subliminal mind control that works its 
pernicious magic on the young and im- 
pressionable. Given that we were all 
young once, wouldn't everyone be walk- 
ing zombielike to the nearest cigarette 
machine? They also condemn advertis- 
ing campaigns geared to “children, 
women, minorities, the low-income and 
undereducated.” Presumably, only well- 
educated, upper-middle-class, white 
males are not impressionable enough to 
be swayed by advertising. 

With typical born-again flair, Patrick 
Reynolds, grandson of the founder of 
the R. |. Reynolds Tobacco Company. 
has testified against tobacco advertis- 
ing: "Why do cigarette companies want 
to goon pouring more than two billion, 
three hundred million dollars annually 
into advertising? . . . Why dont the 
Cigarette companies just save their 
two billion, three hundred million 
dollars cach year if the number of 
smokers will be truly unaffected?" The 
answer is obvious. For every one per- 
cent of the market that shifts from one 
company to another, the winner makes 
$240,000,000. Moreover, as the Tobacco 
Institute notes, “A company is not just 
trying to shift customers away from 
some other brand; it is trying to retain 
the loyalty of its own users." It makes 
very good economic sense to advertise. 

As with all would-be censors, anti- 
smoking activists don't like to bother 
with the Constitution when they have 
some other self-righteous principle оп 
their side. Despite the claim of anti- 
smoking groups that tobacco is "the 
only product which kills when used as 
intended," there are plenty of other 
consumer groups equally convinced 
that alcohol, red meat or sodium are 
close to satanic. 

What it all boils down to is this: Are 
we better off with Government control 
of information or with a frec market 
place of ideas—including those in to- 
bacco ads? You would have had to be 
living in a cave for the past decade not 
to know that the majority of people in 
the medical establishment believe that. 
smoking is bad for your health. But if 
you want to use tobacco anyway, for the 
flavor, the comfort or—dare we say 
it?—the image, that is a right we need 
to preserve. 

The debate over tobacco use will con- 
tinue, but it is fundamentally unfair not 
то allow those who advertise tobacco to 
be participants in the fray. 


Barry W Lynn is legislative counsel for 
the American Civil Liberties Union. 


EPS 
SODA POP OF PURITANS 


Someone other than Ployboy has finally token note of the Reverend Don- 
ald Wildmon and the New McCarthyism. Richard Yao, cofounder of Funda- 
mentalists Anonymous, recently wrote a letter to D. Wayne Calloway, 
chairman of the boord of Pepsico, chastising him for submitting to Wild- 
mon-inspired fundamentalist pressure to pull the Madonna Pepsi ad. 

"Remember how people succumbed to the intimidation of Joe McCarthy 
in the early Fifties? And how only a handful dared to speak out? History 
repeats itself. In the Fifties, people were labeled Commies or pinkes ond 
blacklisted. Today, TV ads and programs are labeled offensive or objec- 
tionable and pulled off the cir. 

“Censorship in the name of religion is still censorship. It is inherently 
un-American and is repulsive not only to liberals and moderates but also to 
conservatives who are against any unnecessary intrusion into private lives. 
What is more intrusive than the attempt by fundamentalist censors to dic- 
tate whot we con wotch in the privacy of our own homes? 

"The zealots have concocted the myth that most of middle America 


agrees with them. They hove tried to convince corporate America that 
whot they want to censor would be missed only by liberals, secular human- 
ists and pornographers. The reality is otherwise. For what do they find 
objectionable? If they had their way, doytime soap operas would be out. 
Oprah and Donohue would be banished from the air and Dallas and Dy- 
nasty would vanish—ond that's only the beginning. 

“Fundamentalists Anonymous wonts to show that middle America is not 
en the side of the fundomentalists. Therefore, in order to protest Pepsi's 
capitulation to censorship, we are calling for a boycott of Pepsi. Our slo- 
gan is ‘No Madonna, no Pepsi We are also conducting a counter media 
campaign with the theme “Pepsi —the choice of the fundomentalist genera- 
tion.’ We are lining up the most uncool people in the country to endorse the 
drink. We are enlisting TV-evongelist look-alikes to advertise it. Being 
caught drinking Pepsi will soon be as bad as having an endless outbreak of 
acne or a terminal case of bad breath. Only losers will drink Pepsi.” 

Pepsi wanted lo avoid a controversy. It didn't want anything to get be- 
tween its product and your teeth. Now it has a tiger by the toil. 


N E W 


S Е К 


O N T 


whats happening in ihe sexual and social arenas 


DIRTY DANCING 


A 31-year-old Florida woman is suing 
the local police for false arrest, false im- 
prisonment and harassment after she was 
jailed and lost custody of her daughters 


for two days for allegedly dancing in the 
nude to a Gladys Knight music video. Ac 
cording to the woman, she had rushed out 
of the shower to dance to “Love Over- 
board.” Neighbors looking through her 
third-floor apartment window called the 
cops, who arrested her on three counts of 
lewd and lascivious behavior in the pres- 
ence of children. 


NOTA FULL MOON — 


SALT LAKE CITY—The Utah Court of 
Appeals reversed the conviction of a wom- 
an who had mooned her sons algebra 
teacher to protest his keeping the boy after 
school. The court found that—because she 
was wearing underpants—the act was 
not, in fact, lewd. 


RIIV REGION 


LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA—Jerry Falwell's 
Liberty University expelled the student 
hosts of a late-night campus-radio comedy 
show ostensibly for using obscene lan- 
guage. The students had parodied the rap 
song “Wild Thing” by describing sex be- 
tween a dog and a cat and had talked 
about a fictional church whose members 
got drunk on Communion wine. But what 


really cooked their goose was satirizing 
Chancellor Falwell’s tithing order requir- 
ing all employees to kick back ten percent 
of their income to the church-owned 
school. The university spokesman denied 
that the tithing parody had anything to do 
with the expulsion, but the students don't 
agree. One of them had been closely ques- 
tioned about whether he was the author of 
a letter to the local newspaper critical of 
the policy. 

RANCHO MIRAGE, CALIFORNIA—Evange- 
lists Oral Roberts and his son Richard 
responded to criticism about their lav- 
ish lifestyles by selling two California 
vacation homes valued at more than 
$1,000,000. The pressure to sell came 
after Oral, who had previously raised 
millions by warning that God would “call 
him home,” began pleading with his fol- 
lowers to sell unneeded valuables to keep 
his ministry afloat. 


BIG BROTHER, INC. 


cuicaco—A study of 126 Fortune 500 
companies reveals that 42 percent of them 
secretly collect information on employees, 
more than 50 percent use private invesli- 
gators for background checks and 56 per- 
cent do not allow employees to see all of the 
information collected about them. The 
University of Illinois researcher who con- 
ducted the study called for a comprehen- 
sive national policy to protect workers’ 
privacy, saying that employees are often 
not told of files containing sensitive and 
confidential information and, therefore, 
have no opportunity to challenge incor- 
rect information—even though it may be 
shared with credit bureaus, landlords and 
other outside agencies. 


NEWS ABOUT NECKING = 


PAVILION. NEW YORK—About forty stu- 
dents who protested their high school’s new 
rules against hugging and kissing have 
been suspended. The students staged a sit- 
in over a student-council-approved code 
of discipline that forbids "overt displays of 
affection beyond hand-holding” anywhere 
on school property, which they complain 
would forbid hugging to celebrate a sports 
victory or to console someone in time of 
grief 

NEDERLAND, COLORADO— he teachers 
at the local high school adopted а "day- 
light rule," which stipulates that students 


engaging in affectionate behavior must 
leave enough room between their bodies 
Sor adults to see daylight. 


SLACKING UP ON SHACKING UP 


DENVER—After а heated debate, the 
Denver City Council narrowly voted 
down the city’s 36-year-old “living in sin” 
law, which prohibits unmarried couples 
from living in the same house. The zoning 
ordinance was enacted in the Stxties, 
when residents feared that hippies would 
establish communes and ruin neigh- 
borhoods. "Zoning laws are to regulate 
density, not relationships,” said one 
anti-ordinance councilwoman. 


FOR THE LOVE OF GOD 


LOS ANGELES—A woman who absolves 
meris sins through the act of sex instead of 
the act of contrition sounds more like a 
prostitute than a high priestess to a Los 
Angeles prosecutor—especially since the 
ablution involves a $150 donation from 
the sinner Accordingly, the city attorneys 
office has charged a 51-year-old man and 
his 46-year-old wife with operating a 


house of prostitution, even if they call it 
the Church of the Most High Goddess and 
insist that sex is a rite of the church and 
thus protected by the First Amendment. 
The couple was arrested after an under- 
cover vice officer refused to donate money 
to participate in the “sacrament” of oral 
sex and was excommunicated. 


43 


WILDMON AND ADVERTISERS 
1 was amused by the Reverend 
Donald E. Wildmor's campaign 
10 pressure advertisers to with- 
draw from the made-for-TV 
movie Roe us, Wade. Without hav- 
ing seen it, the Tupelo ayatollah 
decided that it had a pro-abor- 
tion stance and asked viewers 
to boycott the companies that 
had purchased advertising time. 
Having seen the movie, 1 can 
only hope that the advertisers 
who pulled ош are eme. 
ashamed. The docudrama was 
objective and it humanized а mo- 
ment of history; Wildmon appar- 
ently cant abide history—he 
would have us see only his ver- 
sion of the truth. We may as well 
go directly to theocracy. 

J. Freeman 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


I paid attention to the ads 
in Roe ws. Wade and thought 
they we interesting. One was 
for Vagisil, a feminine-hygiene 
product—which makes sense, 
given the subject of the movie. 
Another was for Murphy's Oil 
Soap, a household cleaner. The 


E R 


FOR THE RECORD 


ЕЕ ЕС МІ RIGHTS ОЛА: 


FOR RODENTS 


voices from the fringe 


Onceagain, television networks 
and sponsors have knuckled un- 
der to pressure from Wildmon 
and others who dont believe 
viewers should have the option of 
being treated like adults. 

It's about time for those of us 
who believe in freedom to back 
up our brave talk with a little ac- 
tion. If networks and sponsors 
are so sensitive to economic pres- 
sure, maybe we should start a 
“Boycott the wimps” campaign 
of our own in order to protest 
both the resurgence of censor- 
ship and the antisex attitudes 
reflected in some of the shows 
now on the air. If those of us with 
a mature attitude toward sexuali- 
ty arent willing to stand up for 
what we believe in, why should 
society bother to take us seriously? 

Marc Desmond 
Brooklyn, New York 

See our box "Pepsi: Soda Pop 
of Puritans.” Fundamentalists 
Anonymous is sponsoring a boycott. 
of Pepsi—ıhe choice of the funda- 
mentalist generation. FA. s address 
is PO. Box 20324, Greeley Square 
Station, New York 10001 


"We feel that animals have the same rights as a 
retarded human child, because they are cqual 
mentally in terms of dependence on others." 

—ALEX MCHECO, chairman of People for 
the Ethical Treatment of Animals, 
regarding animal experimentation 

“I had become friendly with the cows; I knew 
them as individuals. . . . 1 first realized something 
was ethically wrong with the milk industry and 1 
was right in the middle of it. You dont really know. 
your relationship with an animal until youre mak- . 
ing your living off of it." 

—CoLMAN MCCARTHY, Washington Post 
columnist and former dairy worker 

“When I stopped eating them, I realized ani- 
mals have a right to life separate and equal to 
ours." “ANGIE,” animal-rights activist 

“Personally, I think that if Jesus was divine, һе 
has to have been a vegetarian." 

—KIM BARTLETT, editor of The Animals’ Agenda 


BEDTIME FOR BUNDY 
Dr. James Dobson should not 
use Ted Bundy as a machine for 
his views and, most of all, should 
not try to generate sympathy for 
him ("The Making of a Monster," 
The Playboy Forum, July). We owe 


ad pictures a number of elderly 
cleaning ladies polishing pews in 
a church, and the tag line is, “If 
Murphys Oil Soap is good 
enough to clean this house, it's 
surely good enough to d 
yours." I found that ad offensive. 
It suggests that in God's house, 
theonly role for women is domes- 
tic servitude—an attitude appar- 
ently shared by Wildmon and his 
minions but, I hope, not by the 
women who tuned in to the 
movie. Was Murphy's Oil Soap 
trying to sell to the fundamental- 
ists who tuned in to Roe us. Wade 
so they could subsequently com- 
plain that the movie was propa- 
ganda? Did Wildmon object to 
using religion to sell household 
cleaner? In all probability, he'd 
like to see more Christian ads 


Michael Toebe 
Grand Junction, Colorado 


Loppose the death penalty, but 


something out of his execution. 
Why wasn't his brain studied? We 
could have possibly learned 
something regarding brain dam- 
age and chromosomal defects. 
Pat Gallant Weich 
New York, New York 


such as the one for a Subaru four-wheel- 
drive station wagon, whose tag line is, 
“When Father Jones has to get some- 
where to perform last rites, he doesnt 
take chances.” Or one of Wildmon him- 
self saying, "When Гт taping Saturday 
Night Live to record the number of refer- 
ences to penises, 1 use Memorex.” Or 


“Sony Trinitron allows me to be offended 
in living color.” 

Wildmon showed his true colors in the 
Roe vs. Wade debacle—and so did corpo- 
rate America—by putting profit and ap- 
peararces before principle. 

Nathanicl Bynner 
Evanston, Illinois 


An autopsy of Bundy’s brain apparently 
Jound no abnormalities. Because Bundy те- 
fused to will his brant for scientific study, 
no further research was conducted. 


THE WAR CONTINUES 
1 was both amused and vexed by 
Junior Bridges and Mary Ruthsdotter's 


RI IE PS 


Р O 


NS. E 


protests against US. combat crews’ 
adorning their flying machines with 
seminude or nude paintings of females 
("War Veterans" The Playboy Forum. 
June). Those women see male exaltation 
of female sexuality as negative and don't 
understand that soldiers who are told to 
fight and, perhaps, die for their country 
wish to have frequent reminders of what 
makes it worth stopping a bullet—in this 
case, the girl back home. 

Grant Winston 

Frankfort, Kentucky 


Many soldiers die defending our coun- 
try—which includes the women they 
love. Who are Bridge and Ruthsdotter to 
tell our veterans and Servicemen that 
they may not pay honor to their love? 
They apparently don't realize that if it 
were not in part for the men who fly our 
military aircraft, they might not be able 
to ask the absurd question "Why do they 
do this to us?" 

Randy D. King 
Eddyville, Kentucky 


LIABLE FOR LIBEL 
"The April and May issues of Playboy 
appeared on British newsstands with a 
sticker reading, FOR LEGAL REASONS. CER. 
TAIN PAGES HAVE BEEN REMOVED. Pages of the 
April Playboy Interview with the LR.A. 
were missing, as were pages in the May 
issue ofthe Scandal pictorial and the arti- 
cle Burning Desires: Sex in America. Who 
censors Playboy in Great Britain? 
Roger Bridson-Babbitt 
London, England 
England’ libel laws dictate that the dis- 
tributor of a magazine will be held liable if 
the contents of any magazine he distributes 
are found lo be libelous. Therefore, the ever- 
cautious lawyers for English distributors of- 
ten advise their clients to delete material 
that under American standards of free 
speech would be blameless 


SEX RESEARCH 

It's too bad that Paul Okami is so ill-in- 
formed about those of us who work in the 
area of sexual addiction (“The Betrayal 
of Sex Research," The Playboy Forum, 
June). Many of us have the same con- 
cerns that he does that our research can 
be used to bolster those who would label 
any sexual behavior they dislike as “ad- 
dictive” and, hence, bad. We know that 
onc of the risk factors for developing sex- 
ual addiction is growing up in a rigid, 
sex-negative family environment. We un- 


derstand that it isn't enough to have peo- 
ple give up destructive patterns of sexual 
behavior; they also must learn positive 
ways of relating sexually. 

Okami's portrayal of clinicians who 
treat sex addiction as fun-hating people 
who turn formerly sex-loving clients 
into sexless wood carvers indicates to 
me that he has never talked with a 


UNITED WE STAND reads one of the 
United Way's fund-raising posters. 
The 100-year-old charitable or- 
ganization claims that “United 
Way-supported services benefit 
individuals and families by mak- 
ing possible the help and expert 
care needed when critical prob- 
lems arise.” Not always—not when 
the critical problem is an unwant- 
ed pregnancy. 
Consider the sit- 
uation in Seattle, 
Washington. In 
1987, Planned Par- 
enthood of Seat- 
tle-King County 
decided to cstab- 
lish an abortion 
clinic. Last year, 
United Way re- 
quested that if. 
Planned Parent- 
hood wished to continue to receive 
its funding, it divide itself into two 
corporations—one that would 
provide abortions and one that 
would not. United Way would fund 
the later. Planned Parenthood 
agreed. Unfortunately, that plan 
did not work. ‘Iwo Seattle Roman 
Catholic powerhouses, Archbishop. 
Raymond G. Hunthausen and 
Coadjutor Archbishop Thomas J. 
Murphy, wrote to the Planned Par- 
enthood board of directors, accus- 
ing the affiliate of declaring itself 
“ready to become the abortion 
factory of western Washington.” 
Seattle anti-abortionists conduct- 


UNITED WAY 


VERSUS 


PLANNED PARENTHOOD 


Clinician or interviewed someone who is 
sexually addicted. 

Jed Diamond 

San Rafael, California 

One of the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous 

is that the addict acknowledges hes ап ad. 
dict and can never drink agam. It's difficult 
to relate to sex positively if, to cure the so- 
called addiction, one has to give up sex. 


ed an aggressive campaign to re- 
move Planned Parenthood from 
United Way. 

"The United Way board passed a 
resolution stating that United Way 
would not fund abortions or organ- 
izations that provide abortions. 
Seattle Planned Parenthood was 
forced to withdraw from United 
Way. “Our mission is to provide re- 
productive-health 
services to people 
who need them,” 
explained Lee 
Minto, Planned 
Parenthood's pres- 
ident. “We could 
accept United 
Way's policy of not 
funding abortions. 
We couldn't accept 
its policy of not 
funding any organ- 
ization that provides abortions.” 

The Seattle situation is not ап 
isolated occurrence. Planned Par- 
enthood affiliates in Illinois and 
Hawaii lost their United Way fund- 
ing when they elected to include 
abortion as part of their reproduc- 
tive-health operations. 

Women complained in the Sev- 
enties that United Way was top 
heavy with funding for male pro- 
grams. United Way tried to rectify 
that. Now it looks as though it’s try- 
ing to short-shrift women again— 
this time by denying funds to 
Planned Parenthood. It's time it 
rectified that. LISA PAGE 


46 


Ё ir o r u vm = 
TOP-SECRET CLASSIFIED 


naval cadets learn a 


(ENTERTAINMENT FOR MIDS 


Interviews with: 
¡bermeyer 
Capt. Prueher 


Company Cuties 
і! - 
NS 


Last March, the midshipmen at the U.S. Naval Academy published a 
parody of Playboy called Playmid. The issue contained a centerfold of a 
female midshipman (please salute), pages of company cuties (suggesting 
that the uniform still works) and various articles. Rear Admiral Virgil L, 
Hill, superintendent of the school, declared the parody inappropriate 
апа ordered all 5000 copies destroyed. The members of the brigade, in 
training to uphold democratic principles, weren't even allowed to see the 
magazine or decide for themselves. Now they сап. Destroy 5000 copies, 
end up with 18,000,000 readers. That's the lesson in censorship. 


| 26 Pages о! 


ЖҰ 


FOR YOUR EYES ONLY 


lesson in censorship 


WHAT KIND OF 

ж MIDSHIPMAN 
READS 

- “ PLAYMID? 


48 


CARTOONIST'S 


ETCHBOOK 


The Reverend Donald Wildmon has been getting so much 
press recently that you would think he is the only person in Amer- 
ica who knows what we should read and witness. But there are 
other names on the right-wing Rolodex, other contenders for the 
title of all-American ayatollah. Yes, we have certain inalien- 


AKING IF 


^ АЛА, ШІ ЊЕ TebAY 
By Keith Robinson 


RELATO TA ERS 
mu ior 


Tired of ENG decisions all day? Don't verry = there 
are plenty of people Who are eager b de your 
thinking: Èr youl Here are à Few and their Specialties... 


ISLAMIC LEADER AYATOLLAH 
KHOMEINI „CRITIC оғ THE 
SATANIC VERSES. 

Philosophy: Books which 
olt. aec beliefs mist 

[| be avenged. 

Tactics: Offending author pot to death, 
offending authori agent beaten to 
within 15% =F his/her life. 


POLITICAL WIFE TIPPER, 
GORE, CO-FOUNDER OF THE 
PARENTS’ MUSIC RESOURCE 
CENTER CPMRC). 

Phi ibseshj Teens learn anti- 

| social. behavior From rock ries 
Tackics Pressure record Companies to print 
Iyrıcs en album covers, making lessons moch 
Faster and easier. 


FORMER FIRST LADY NANCY 
REAGAN, “JUST SAY No” 

ANTI-DRUG SPORES PERSON 
акы Why Fight mind- 
(ес prodrug peer pressure 
j with logic when yoo an | EAR 
ше БЕЛЕ anti-drug peer pressure to 
Simply make drogs well. unfashionable ? 


AIRI Рази Рут bale b+ Unidersal Press Syndicate Well ken yos vihen te laugh 


MICHIGAN HOUSEWIFE TERRY 
FAKOLTA, CRITIC OF MARRIED. 
WIM CHILDREN AND OMER 
"AXTI-FAMILY^ TV SHows. 
Philosophy: Parents shauldn't 
EY 21 have bo monitor what their 
children are watching, even lake at right 
Tactics: Pressure major companies with minor 
Guts net be Stentor “offensive” shows. 


FASHION CRITIC MR. BLACKWELL, | 
PUBLISHER OF ANNUAL ° fo 
WORST- DRESSED WeMEN LIST. 
Phicsophy Реде of civilization 
is both Teflected in and aided 
by peer Fashion choices. 

Tactic: үт offenders 

ү Tht 15 Further ud wis af the 

Werl mest pseudo psevdo-celebrity. 


НЕН ТОЙКЕРР ОРЫ СЕНЫ 


“OPERATION RESCUE ^ FOUNDER, 
RANDALL TERRY, АКТІ 
ABORTION ACTIVIST. 
Phlesephy: Ne koman Ше 

is warkhless 

TackicS Tang, insensitive; 
borderline - volent abortion clinic blockades. 
prove that some human lives ars worthless 


able rights—the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happi- 
ness—as long as we lead the life these puppetmasters want us to 
lead. Cartoonist Keith Robinson provides us with the nıne-least- 
wanted list, a rogues’ gallery of repression. Next thing you know, 
they'll be telling you when to laugh 


3] CHRISTIAN LEADER REY RL 
HYMERS JR., CRITIC OF 
MOTION PICTURE THE LAST 
TEMPTATION ep CHRIST. 
Der Filas stool) ret be 
ich portray Jess a5 
less ton Be Sar oF the Werl], the Prince oF 
Pexe, whe offered love and Grgiveness te all- 
Tactics: Blame Jews. 


LOUISIANA STATE LEGISLATOR] 
DAVID DUKE, FORMER GRAND 
WIZARD oF THE Ku KLUX 
Philosophy Tell him Your ra 
religion ee Sexual prefer- 
еме, and he'll teil you 
where (aad if) yoo can live, 
Tactics: fark of the system now, bt probally 
Eh ba a he ine e 


PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH, 
LEADER OF THE FREE Меш. 
Philosophy: Accoses those mike 
disagree with him of being 
Vicki of media томын, 
and partisan politics. 
Taches: Fights for his policies using media 
manipolalion And parian palikics 


Reprinted with pa 


3 
E 
E 
8 
i 
El 
3 


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Why radar makes mistakes. 
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49 


THE KING ROOM. . 
СА СООП: cr 


73 
| TA 


‘DUD, 
THE KING OF BEERS. 
“СОШ. 


THS BUD'S FOR YOU 


: Budweiser ps 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: KEITH HERNANDEZ 


a candid conversation with the mets infielder on baseballs now-standard 
injuries, fistfights—and, yes, love of the game 


topics: money, cocame, 


He is the ultimate professional. Since 1974, 
when he broke into the big leagues with (Ле 
St. Lows Cardinals, Keith Hernandez has 
been perhaps the most consistently productive 
player of his era. After 15 seasons in the ma- 
jors, Hernandez, the diplomatic elder states- 
man of the New York Mets, has compiled a 
lifetime batting average of exactly .300. 
Many baseball purists believe hes the finest 
first baseman of all time and that he has al- 
most singlehandedly redefined that position 
Before his emergence, first base was often the 
outpost of good hitters who couldn't field a 
lick. Not for Hernandez. Uncannily adept at 
digging up throws in the dirt and having al- 
most patented the three-six-three double 
play—first base to shortstop to first base—the 
slick-fielding southpaw has won National 
League Gold Glove awards for the past 11 
years. 

In 1983, after eight and a half seasons 
with St. Louis, the Cardinals traded Hernan- 
dez lo the New York Mets, then the worst team 
in the National League. He became the cata- 
Ast that transformed a pack of perennial 
losers and unproven rookies into a 
confident—some say overconfident—group 
of winners, "That the great bonus we got.” 
Mets general manager Frank Cashen told 
writer William Nack three years ago. “We 
knew he was a great fielder, a great hitter, but 
nobody knew that he was a leader, 


nancially, E should be sel for life, but 1 got 
ambushed, waylaid by the past. When 1 got 
divorced, 1 got clobbered. There were other 
problems. Г was set, but that options not there 
anymore. And I'm pissed." 


When Davey Johnson was hired to manage 
the Mets їп 1984, he encouraged Hernandez 
10 help out in any way he could, and the six- 
foot, 205-pound first baseman took him up on 
it. Because he knew every hitter in the league, 
Hernandez took over the positioning of the 
Mets’ infielders. He also, when invited, ad- 
vised young Mets pitchers on what to throw to 
whom. Says former Mets hurler Ed Lynch, “If 
Einstein starts talking about the speed of 
light, you better listen to him.” 

Hernandez believes that his chief contribu- 
tion to the team’ pitching staff has been his 
willingness to act as its cheerleader. “When 
the games on the line and there are runners 
on base, some of our pitchers like me to walk 
over to the mound and pump ‘em up.” he says. 
“They don't need it, but they enjoy having me 
tell ‘em things like, ‘Youre the best—now get 
this son of a bitch and lets nail this down! 
Its a тай-тай macho (hing, but everybody 
likes some positive support.” 

Hernandez’ value as a steadying father 
figure was so obvious that in 1987, Johnson 
appointed him the first team captain in the 
history of the franchise. The Mets continue to 
call on Hernandez to act as guidance coun- 
selor: Last September, when New York called 
up prize rookie Gregg Jefferies from the mi- 
nors, the team deliberately assigned him a 
locker next to Hernandez. “Osmosis,” ex- 
plained Mets vice-president Joe Mellvaine. 


“Do I have doubts about picking up where 1 
left off? Sure I do. When you miss two 
months, forget about exercising to get back in 
shape—theres just no substitute for playing 
nine innings every day." 


“Keillis got a lot of baseball in him. Gregg 
can. pick some up just sitting next to him." 

Although he seemed like а throwback to a 
time when the nation had a kinder, gentler 
notion of baseball, in September 1985, Her- 
nandez—testifying at the trial of a Pitts- 
burgh drug dealer—revealed that he'd used 
cocaine for three years. "I was very ashamed. 
and worried about how the fans at Shea Sta- 
dium would react when I returned to New 
York after the trial,” he recently recalled. “But 
when I came up to hit for the first time, the 
crowd gave me a standing ovation. I'm never 
going lo forget that.” 

Born in San Francisco in 1953, Hernan- 
dez became an ardent New York Yankees fan 
at the age of five, when he discovered that he 
and Mickey Mantle shared the same birth 
date—October 20th. By then, John and Jack- 
ie Hernandez and their two sons, Keith and 
his older brother, Gary, had moved to nearby 
Pacifica. Keitlis favorite sport was basketball, 
After reading Oscar Robertsons biography, 
he took a tip from the Big O and, every day, 
dribbled a basketball to and from grammar 
school—one mile away—using his right 
hand. “1 wanted to be as good with ту right 
as 1 was with my left, and it worked. I became 
a very good ball handler" 

By the time they reached Capuchino High 
School in Millbrae, California, both Hernan- 
dez boys were accomplished. athletes. Сату 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BENNO FRIEDMAN 
“Га stopped enjoying the coke high by S1. 
But I was still snorting in 82, and Га sit 
there and say, ‘Why am 1 doing this? I was 
down to minimal use by 83, Br the urges 
stayed with me through 8: 


51 


PLAYBOY 


little brother eventually became a big man on 
campus: Keith was the first athlete in the 
school's history to be named all-league in 
baseball, basketball and football. He was of- 
fered combined baseball football scholarships 
to Stanford and the University of California 
at Berkeley but declined both. In 1971, after 
his high school graduation, Hernandez was 
signed by the St. Louis Cardinals and sent to 
St. Petersburg, Florida. St. Louis called him 
up to the majors for the last couple of weeks of 
the 1974 season, and a year later, he became 
the Cardinals’ starting first baseman, 

To interview Hernandez, Playboy sent 
Lowrence Linderman to meet with the Mets’ 
first baseman shortly after the season started. 
Linderman reports: 

“Keith Hernandez has the swarthy good 
looks of a Lalin screen idol, even though hes 
not Latin and has a broken nose. (The break 
occurred in the early minutes of a high school 
football. game. Too proud to retire to the 
bench, Hernandez, a quarterback, went on to 
complete 23 of 36 passes for 353 yards and 
three touchdowns. He got a lot of ink even as 
a teenager) 

“This is a sophisticated man whose inter- 
ests reach far beyond the center-field wall at 
Sheu Stadium. A student of military history, 
particularly the Civil War, hes a great ad- 
mirer of Confiderate generals—especially 
Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson—pri- 
marily because they were tactical geniuses 
who had more than their share of colorful id- 
jusynerusies. A couple of yours ugo, Hernan- 
dez delivered a speech on aspects of the Civil 
War to the history faculty of the United States 
Military Academy at West Point. 

“Also, Hernandez, true to his Northern 
California roots, is something of a wine 
maven. His inventory now numbers more 
than 200 bottles, but he insists hes not а col- 
lector; his consumption, which is moderate, 
has just never hept pace with his purchases. 
His latest enthusiasm is politics—the process, 
mot the idea of becoming a candidate. Hes 
had two lunches with Richard Nixon. The 
first time out, Nixon milked him for baseball 
lore; the second, Hernandez got Nixon to 
open up about his perceptions of China and 
Russia. ‘Once I got him going, he went on jor 
about an hour. It was just totally fascinating 
and enlightening. Nixon is very sharp—he 
hasn't lost anything to age." 

“The big question in the Big Apple these 
days is whether Hernandez has lost anything 
to age. That (оріс popped up twice this 
year— initially, when he was mired іп an car- 
b-season slump (from which he extricated 
himself), and then, much more seriously, aft- 
er he fractured his kneecap in a game at Shea 
Stadium on May 17. Wed already scheduled 
our interview when that injury occurred, and 
I was concerned that Hernandez, whos in- 
tensely private and who measures his words 
as carefully as Manhattan bartenders meas- 
ure their drinks, might just clam up on me. 
He didn't, Instead, we had a series of wide- 
ranging conversations that touched on sev- 


eral subjects—including his bout with 
cocaine—that he'd never previously dis- 
cussed. 

"I met Hernandez at the two-bedroom 
apartment he shares with model Sheri Mont- 
gomery high above Manhattan's East Side. 
Hernandez, his right knee immobilized by a 
splint, was already able to move around with- 
out crutches. His injury provided the opening 
subject for our interview” 


PLAYBOY: Last year, the first serious injury 
of your career—a torn hamstring—kept 
you out of action for cight weeks, and this 
season, your broken kneccap will also sidc- 
line you foras much as cight weeks. In Oc- 
tober, you'll be tl x; could these 
njurics bc nature's way of telling you it's 


No, I dont think so. IF my 
kneecap had been shattered or broken in a 
few places, and if they'd had to operate in- 
stead of just putting it in a splint, then, 
yeah, it would have been the end of my ca- 
reer. But what I've got isn't debil ^ 
just a very clean horizontal break across 
the patella. The X rays show a slight 


‘Much as I'd love 
to stay in New York, 
baseball is a business. 
ГЇЇ be negotiating 
my next contract 
at a base salary 
of two million." 


separation that’s so straight it could have 
been caused by a guillotine. Dr. James 
Parkes, our team physician, told me ГЇЇ be 
fine as soon as it heals, though I'll probably 
lose what little speed I have. 

PLAYBOY: Exactly how did you break your 
kneecap? 

HERNANDEZ: Ii was a freak collision. In a 
game against the Dodgers, I was on first 
base when a ground ball was hit to their 
shortstop, Dave Anderson, who went 
across second base to field it. He wanted to 
tag me and then throw to first fora double 
play. In that situation, I'm supposed to 
bump the guy so that he cant complete the 
double play When 1 did that, my right 
knee collided with Anderson's left knee. 
The doctors said it was like a diamond cut- 
ter tapping a diamond perfectly and get- 
ting a perfect stone. 10 me, it felt more like 
two rams butting he 
PLAYBOY: Did you immediately know the 
severity of your injury? 
HERNANDEZ: No. I got up, ra 


off the field 


much p 
kneeling in the on-deck circle, and when 1 
started to get up—I couldn't. 1 had to use 
my bat as a crutch, and thats when I told 


Davey Johnson, our manager, to take me 
out of the game. But the pain wasn't really 
more than what you'd get from a sprained 
ankle. That night, 1 slept with ice on the 
knee. At six-thirty the next morning, 1 
called Dr. Parkes and said, “Send an ambu- 
lance. I cant walk.” He rushed me to the 
hospital for X rays, and that’s all she wrote. 
PLAYBOY: What was your reaction upon 
learning you'd again be out for at least 
eight weeks? 
HERNANDEZ: Total frustration. 1 got off to a 
ar, but I hit ‚339 in my last 
d I was swinging the bat 
an important scason for me, 
because I'm in the final year of a five-year 
contract, and the Mets are looking to make 
a decision about whether or not they want 
me back. And then this happens. But after 
I thought about it awhile ___ I mean, what 
can you do? What's done is done. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have any doubts about 
whether you can come back this season? 
nd pick up where I left off? 
Sure I do. When you miss two months, for- 
get all the running and exercise you do to 
get back in shape—there' just по substi 
tute for playing nine innings every day 
When I came back from my torn ham- 
string last year, | was getting tired by the 
seventh inning of our games. Stamina 
опе of my two maim concerns. 
PLAYBOY: What's the other one? 
HERNANDEZ: The Mets’ feeling about Dave 
Magadan, who now has his chance to show 
what he can do. This hasn't affected my re- 
lation with Mags—I mean, 1 got my 
chance when Joc Torre sp 
and the Cardinals called me up, and after I 
did well, they traded Torre. Now the sho 
on the other foot; that's b all. Т 
Magadans big break, and if he's to have a 
big career in the majors. he has to make 
the most of it. And if he does, I'll have to 
move on. But its not like I'm out in the 
cold. ГЇЇ be a free agent next year, and as 
much as I'd love to stay in New York, base- 
ball is a business. ГЇЇ be negotiating my 
next contract at а base salary of two milli 
dollars а ycar, and if Magadan docs well, 
the Mets may not want to offer me another 
contract—itll be their call. We'll just have 
to wait and see what happen: 
PLAYBOY: While you were on the disabled 
list last year, the Mets won twenty-six 
es and lost twenty-three games, but 
while you were with the team, New York 
record was 74-36. Do you believe youre 
that valuable to the club? 
HERNANDEZ: Well, some players certainly 
аге key to a ball club, and I feel that I'm 
опе of the Mets! key rs, but not to that. 
extent. The real answer to your question is 
that I don't think the team as a whole han- 
dled my absence well last year. I don't know 
if I should say this, but I've always felt that 
one of the Mets' weaknesses has been the. 
inability of certain players—I'm not going 
to name names—to accept respon 
for failure. 

This team can make excuses with the 


best of them. Last year, my being out of the 
line-up seemed like an excuse for the team 
10 lose. At first, the typical quote from 
them was, "Oh, my God, we lost Keith— 
what are we going to do?” And as the sea- 
son progressed and they were playing 500 
ball, they continued to say, "We miss Keith, 
we miss Keith." 

"This year, they're handling the situation 
a lot better. This year, the guys are telling 
reporters, “Hey, we've got to take the re- 
sponsibility on our own shoulders and hold 
the fort until he comes back.” And I think 
they will, Right now, the National League 
East is like a horse race with everybody 
jockeying for position. No one’s really run 
away with the division race, and 1 don't 
think any team will, When it's time for me 
to come back, І expect the Mets to be right 
there in the running. | should be playing 
again by the time this interview comes out, 
so by then, we'll know for certain what 
they've done without me. 
PLAYBOY: Burnping knees with a random 
Dodger isn't nearly as painful as your run- 
in with that team last year. In fact, you've 
continued to claim that the Mets’ 1988 
play-off loss to Los Angeles is 100 painful 
for you to discuss. Has the pain subsided? 
HERNANDEZ: [Big sigh] I suppose so, but it 
was а major disappointment. We were big 
favorites, but I knew it was going to be a 
tough series even though we'd beaten the 
Dodgers every time we played them dur- 
ing the regular season. We were 10-1 
against Los Angeles, but a lot of those 
games were very tight and competitive and 
could have swung either way. The fact that 
we won all of them was misleading, but 
that, I suppose, is the beauty of baseball. 
PLAYBOY: Was there a moment in the play- 
offs that still seems especially ugly to you? 
HERNANDEZ: [Another sigh] Yes, the second 
inning of game seven, which the New York 
press calls our gold-glove inning. | 
screwed up a bunt play, Wally Backman 
ped on a double-play ball and then 
Gregg Jefferies made an error with the 
bases loaded. There were three ways to 
fuck up, and we found them. That was the 
most agonizing game of my career. You 
play 162 games and errors happen, but 
you're there for the world series, and if you 
lose the play-offs, you don't go to the world 
series. And seeing the зип go down on our 
season because of errors—it was demoral- 
ig. After giving up five runs in the sec- 
ond inning, we were behind 6- nd once 
Orel Hershiser got that early six-run lead, 
forget it—he just painted the corners of 
- He never gave us an opportunity 
to peck away and get back in the game. He 
just shut the door, like all good pitchers do. 
PLAYBOY: What makes him so tough? 
HERNANDEZ: The guy may look like a 
schoolteacher, but he's got guts and he’s a 
great competitor. There's a fine line be- 
tween those who have brass balls and those 
who don't; Hershiser's got em. And he got 
hot last year. He put together a fifty-nine- 
ining scoreless streak to close out the reg- 
ular season. When pitchers are on a roll, 


they have a direct line to where they want 
to throw the ball, and they don't make mi: 
takes. After my first at-bat, Hershiser did 
not give me a pitch over the plate that 
whole game. He was just working the cor- 
ners, inside and out. 

PLAYBOY: How hard did you take losing the 
play-offs 
HERNANDEZ: Hard enough so that 1 
couldn't watch game one of the world se- 
ries. That Saturd: ight, 1 was just sitti 
home with my girlfriend, and when we 
finally turned the game on, Kirk Gibson 
was walking back and forth in the dugout 
and we heard the whole spiel about his in- 
juries. Dennis Eckersley was on the mound 
and | said, "I have to stick around and 
watch this.” When he hit the home run— 
well, from that point on, I felt a little better 
about our loss. Tell me that wasnt a Holly- 
wood script: Ninth inning, the Dodgers 
are down, 4—3, а man on second, two out 
and the countis three and two. Seeing Gib- 
son hit that homer was like watching John 
Wayne take on the entire Mexican army 
th eight bullet holes in him. 

PLAYBOY: Were you at all surprised that the 
Dodgers went on to beat Oakland in the 
world series? 

HERNANDEZ: No, I think it was meant for 
the Dodgers to win it all. They got hot at 
the right time, and when that happens, 
a team can be impossible to stop. But I also 
think some of the As didn't help them- 
selves by telling reporters that the Mets. 
were the best team in baseball and that. 
they were disappointed wed lost. 10 me, 
that was Ше kiss of death. Rules one, two 
and three: Keep your уар shut, let your bat 
do your talking and don't piss anybody off. 
You do not want to give your opponents a 
banner or а flag to rally round 

PLAYBOY: Funny, but the way we hear it, the 
Mets offend all of their opponents and are 
the least popular team in the National 
League. Do we have it wrong? 
HERNANDEZ: We're not well liked around 
the league, but there are a lot of reasons 
for that. You know, everybody loved the 
Mets when they were the bums who always 
finished last, but now that we're king of the 
mountain, everyone is trying to knock us 
off. People like to beat us, and 1 under- 
stand that. 

I remember when I was young and with 
the Cardinals in the mid-Seventies, and we 
were a fifth-place team. Whenever the 
Dodgers or the Reds—the Big Red Ma- 
chine—came to town, it was like our world 
series. We'd play our asses off against those 
teams, and then, when we faced a second- 
division club likc the Cubs, we'd fall back 
down to earth. You get up for the teams 
that are on top. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't the real knock on the Mets 
that they're. braggarts who aren't above 
taunting their opponents? 
HERNANDEZ: Look, I dont think were dif- 
ferent from any other team in baseball. We 
have quiet people, characters and, yes, 
some players who've said a lot of things 
about our opponents. The real difference 


that what you say in New York goes over 
the news wires, and the next day it’s every- 
where. So I think you have to be extra 
careful about what you tell the press here, 
and the teams finally gotten a lot smarter 
about that. 

But not everybody will watch what they 
say. For instance, Wally Backman—he was 
traded to Minnesota over the winter—was 
always outspoken. He happens to be very 
gutsy and cocky and he had a tendency to 
mouth ofí—thats Wally Wed go into а 
three-game series against somebody and 
he'd say, "We're gonna kick their ass. The: 
cant play with us.” I'd go, “Oh, Wall 
Meanwhile, we'd kick the shit out of them, 
But you don’t want to incite other teams or 
give them extra reasons for wanting to 
beat you. I think you have to follow that 
line about letting sleeping dogs lie. 
PLAYBOY: Let's focus on the current pen- 
nant race: Even with the Mets' leader out 
with injuries, most baseball experts still 
believe New York will win the National 
League pennant. St. Louis Cardinals man- 
ager Whitey Herzog says, “If you put the 
Mets’ pitching staff with any team in the 
league, that team would win." Do you 
agree with him? 

HERNANDEZ: Yes, І do. hing's the name 
of the game. Good pitching will always 
keep you in the game. There's not a lot of 
ssure on our offense to score five runs a 
--а lot of times, three or four will be 
enough for us to win, so were always in the 
game. Conversely, our offense has led the 
league їп runs scored the past three years 
ina row, and that takes the pressure off our 
pitchers—ir’s kind of like each hand is 
washing the other. Still, if I had to pick a 
team with a mediocre pitching staff and a 
great offense or a great pitching staff with 
an average offense, I'd take the pitching 
any day of the week. 

PLAYBOY: Is the Mets 
in baseball? 
HERNANDEZ: | haven't seen any that are bet- 
ter. Dwight Gooden has awesome stull— 
he throws extremely hard. He and David 
Cone are the same type of pitchers: power 
pitchers. Both basically have good, hard 
fast balls and great curve balls. Bob Ojeda, 
а crafty left-hander—sinker, slider and 
great change-up—and Ron Darling are in 
a diflerent category: They're control pitch- 
ers. They work on a batter's timing and 
have stuff to throw him off, whereas Good- 
en and Cone will just overpower you. Sid 
Fernandez is kind of in his own world. Hes 
got this amazingly slow rainbow curve and. 
sneaky fast ball. He's also got a weird mo- 
tion and his pitches are always hard for hit- 
ters to pick up. Hes the unique one. 
PLAYBOY: Pitching aside, if you were scout- 
ing the Mets for another club, how would. 
you describe them? 

HERNANDEZ: Га stress the fact that we're a 
slugging team, a power team. Our lead- 
off hitter and our second hitter kind of set 
the tone. Our two center fielders, Mookie 
Wilson and Lenny Dykstra, аге ип- 
happy with their platoon roles, but they're. 


pitching staff the best 


PLAYBOY 


indispensable to our club, because they're 
both sparkplugs. Either Mookie or Lenny, 
who has a swagger and a cocky air about 
him, leads off. The young kid, Gregg Jef- 
feries—good bat—hits second. They're 
the table setters. From that point on, we've 
got a power-hitting middle of the line- 
up—me, Darryl Strawberry Kevin 
McReynolds, Gary Carter and Howard 
Johnson. Kevin Elster, our shortstop, hits 
eighth, and anything he does offensively is 
a big plus; his glove is that important to the 
team. We wina lot with our power and. ob- 
viously, pitching has been our strength. 
PLAYBOY: This will come as no surprise 
to you: Even managers of other teams. 
have begun saying that this year's Mets 
are vulnerable because the team's two 
aging and injured 
velerans—you and 
Gary Carter—may 
be over the hill. 
HERNANDEZ: Look, 
Gary is hurting; we 
all know that. He's 
probably the guy 1 
feel for more than 
anybody else. His 
arm is shot from 
wear and tear, and 
his knees have just 
deteriorated on 
him. Gary and 1 are 
both thirty-five, and 
1 know that Гуе got 
aches and pains that 
1 didnt used to 
have, and I'm just 
out there playing 
first base. has 
to squat down on ev 
ery pitch, and he al- 
so has to call the 
pitches, and thats a 
tremendous burden. 
Garys in the same 
spot 1 am—he'll also 
miss a couple of 
months because of 
a knee injury: 
and Um just hop- 
ing he comes back 
and finishes strong. 
Garys been such а 
great player that 
you cant help but have a little compassion 
PLAYBOY: What about yourself? You may 
have won another Gold Glove last year, but 
you also missed sixty-five games and your 
average fell to .276, your lowest in a 
decade. Do you think that wasa signal that 
the end of your career is imminent? 
HERNANDEZ: No, because I look at last sea- 
son id this season, 100--іп terms of 
how I was hitting at the point I got hurt, I 
got off to a terrible start in '88; 1 was hit- 
ting about .170 for the first three weeks and. 
then came out of it with a bang, and when I 
got hurt, 1 was up to .298. This year was al- 
most identical in that I got off to the same 
slow start. A lot of New York sportswriters 
were doing stories that began with "Is Her- 


nandez over the hill? Is he too old to hit 
any more?" But then I got red-hot in May, 
and when І had this freak accident, 1 was 
up to .282 and really wearing pitchers out. 
So I think I've put to rest all that talk about 
my being through. I can sull hit 

PLAYBOY: If that's true, how do you explain 
the nose dive you went into after returning 
from your injury last year? And will ithap- 
pen again this year? 

HERNANDEZ: I hope it doesn't, but it might. 
The problem 1 had was that, after missing 
all those games, I kind of felt like I was try- 
ing to turn over an engine in winter, and 
I just couldn't get going again. I wound 
up hitting .240 for the second half of the 
season 

PLAYBOY: Is that how you picture yourself 


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when you're hitting—as a finely tuned en- 
gine? 

HERNANDEZ: Yeah, but when I'm really red- 
hot, the ball looks like it's coming at me in 
slow motion, and hitting then becomes a 
little like bowling, It’s like I'm the seven 
pin—the corner pin in back—and this 
bowling ball is rolling down the lane. 
When you've got everything working, 
thats how big and slow pitches look com- 
ing up to the plate. Everything happens in 
split second, of course, but when I'm real- 
ly on a tear, I can actually sce the ball hit 
the bat, the bat recoil and the ball leave the 
bat. 
PLAYBOY: 
well? 


And when youre по! doing so 


HERNANDEZ: You think panic, and you hit 
panic. When youre in a slump, you're not 
picking the ball up out of the pitcher's 
hand; therefore, it looks like it's going five 
hundred miles an hour, Irs just the oppo- 
site of what happens when you're red-hot: 
Instead of thinking in slow motion, you go, 
Oh! A curve! I better swing! The key to 
hitting is seeing the ball leave the pitcher's 
hand and not making a move until you 
identify the pitch 

PLAYBOY: At what point can you do that? 
HERNANDEZ: When the ball is around six 
feet out of the pitcher's hand. The reason a 
baseball is white with red seams is to give 
us a chance to identify the pitch. For in- 
stance, when a pitcher throws a slider, the 
red seams make a tiny circle in the middle 
of the ball. A curve 
ball spins like a 
moon in orbit over a 
planet. A fast ball 
doesn't spin at all— 
it docs nothing. A 
screwball has a 
ferent kind of spin. 
Each pitch has 
own identifying 
mark, except for 
the split-finger, and 
thats what makes it 
so tough, because 
coming up to the 
plate, it looks like a 
fast ball, The way 1 
deal with it is to pre- 
tend its а sinker—1 
can hit sinkers. This 
game is all in your 
mind and, like any. 
thing ele, if you 
doubt that you can 
do something, then 
you'll have a hell of a 
time doing it. 
PLAYBOY: Rusty 
Staub, your friend 
and ex-teammate, 
has said that he has 
never seen a hitter 
with your ability 
doubt that ability as 
much as you do. In 
fact, he says that 
when you get into a 
slump, you act more like thirteen than 
thirty-five. Is that an overstatement? 
HERNANDEZ: Not really, because when I'm 
going bad, I tend to торе and pout and 
feel sorry for myself. The depression and 
self-doubt are still there, and it's the one 
thing 1 really don't like about myself. I 
wish 1 could have been a totally confident, 
cocksure piece of shit no one liked, and 
then, when my career was over, | could be- 
come what | am today. 1 would have done 
that in a minute. I finally go back to what. 
Lou Brock—my guru when I broke in with 
the Cardinals— used to tell me: “If you're 
going to [cel sorry for yourself, it’s going to 
be a long, miserable season, and you're go- 
ing to be out on the street working a job 


extend, 


from nine to five. Instead of channeling it 
internally, direct your anger at the pitcher, 
‘cause he's the one who's going to put you 
out on the street." The only good thing I 
can say about my self-doubt is that irs 
probably a motivator. 

PLAYBOY: How depressed do you get? 
HERNANDEZ: When I'm in a slump— and 
Ive had only two 
years out of fifteen 
when I haven't had 
апу--І won't want to 
go out to the ball 
park. Now, a slump 
is not ап unlucky 
streak where you're 
learing the cover 
off the ball but 
just not getting any 
breaks—that’s frus- 
trating, but you say, 
“Well, it could be 
worse; 1 could be 
striking out" А 
slump is when you 
ауе striking out or 
just not hitting the 
ball good, and those 
are the days you 
dont want to go to 
the park. And in- 
variably those are 
also the days when 
you'll go to batin the 
eighth or ninth in- 
ning with the bases 
loaded and the 
chance to win it or 
tic it—and you feel 
like a piece of shit 
up there. Гус always 
been better than a 
-300 hitter in clutch 
situations—l. thrive 
on that—but when 
Im in a slump 
Im thinking, Oh, 
God, why me? Why 
couldn't it be some- 
one else up here? 
But you've роо just 
take a deep breath 
and go, Well, I've 
got to fight through 
it. You cant give їп, 


the clippings to prov 
Anyway, one time when I was in а deep 
slump, he said, “When that шкы! to 
me and it got to a point where it wa 
bad, Га go out and get drunk." Dad's not a 
drinker, yet he told me to tic onc on. He 
If you go back to your hotel room, 
you're just going to dwell on the negatives 


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HERNANDEZ: My older brother, Gary—who 
later became an all-American first base- 
man at Cal Berkeley—and 1 were both 
raised to be baseball players. I knew the 
fundamentals of playing first base when I 
was six ycars old, including where to be in 
every cut-off situation. My father would hit 
me ground balls every day and we'd also 
work on scooping 
up throws in the 
dirt—he'd ten- 
nis balls, so if the 
ball came up and hit 
me in the face, I 
wouldnt get hurt 
PLAYBOY: Sounds to 
us like the perfect 
father-son relation- 
ship. Was it? 
HERNANDEZ: [Pause] 
Look, I dont want 
this to come out 
sounding bad, bc- 
cause up until high 
school, my father 
was just the greatest 
Dad was a fireman 
who worked twenty- 
four hours on and 
forty-cight hours 
off, and during 
those forty-eight 
hours—when Gary 
and I were kids— 
hed get all the 
parents in the 
neighburhoud tu 
take their boys 
down to the little 
league and Babe 
Ruth-league dia- 
monds that he had. 
helped build оп 
church property. 
When Gary and I 
got to high school, 
Dad started. worry- 
ing that the high 
school coaches were 
gonna fuck us up 
and ruin us. He 
watched every fout- 
ball workout and 
every baseball 
workout, and that's 
when he started re- 
айу pressing. He 
couldnt let go. Gary 
and 1 were both 
very uncomfortable 
about it 


You give in, you're | your nearest 
done. Advent dealer. 
PLAYBOY: Do you 

have a tried-and- 

true formula for 

breaking out of a 

slump? 


HERNANDEZ: Yes, and 1 got it from my dad, 
who played double-A ball in the late For- 
ties. Dad was a first baseman, and everyone 
Ive met in baseball who played against 
him said that if he hadn't been beaned— 
hitters didn't wear helmets then—his eyes 
wouldn't have gone bad and he probably 
would have made it to the majors. One year 
in the Texas League, Dad hit around 312 
and was the star of the team-—-and he's got 


and compound the problem. Go out and 
have a good time, dont think about the 
game, and when you go to the ball park, 
you'll have a fresh outlook. Give your mind 
a break.” I must tell you that whenever I 
tried that, it always worked. I'm not saying 
it's the right thing to do, but 1 can't say its 
the wrong thing, cither. 

PLAYBOY: How responsible was your father 
for your becoming a ballplayer? 


PLAYBOY: Did you 
and your brother let him know how you 
were feeling? 

HERNANDEZ: No one really spoke up. Dad. 
was the master, and in our house, ditfer- 
ences were not tolerated. Gary was the first 
one to tell Dad how we were fecling, and 
when hc did, it was as if thc carth had 
shaken. That was a major crisis. 
PLAYBOY: Do you remember it? 
HERNANDEZ: Yes, vividly. Dad had a temper 


PLAYBOY 


and was a shouter, and Gary just screamed 
back at him and it turned into a shouting. 
match and, of course, Mom was there to 
wave our flag Mom was definitely the 
buffer, but it really didn't help. My big 
problem with Dad came years later, when I 
was in the major leagues and told him, 
“Hey, Lam a man, and 1 want to go it on my 
own. If I get into a slump and it becomes 
critical enough, ГЇ ask for your advice. But 
1 want to play ball by myself and not have 
you to lean on." That was in 1978, after Га 
hit .340 the first half of the season and 
slumped in the second half. 1 wanted to 
pull away from him, which caused a big 
stir. He just couldnt let go. Some people 
have said we have a love/hate relationship, 
but I don't think of it that way; I know Гуе 
never hated him. And at this point, he's 
backed off. My father taught me how to hit, 
knows me better than anybody else, and 1 
go to him when Em in trouble. And in- 
riably, he always has something to say 
that's helpful. 1 think we're both probably 
very stubborn. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you have his tem- 
per, as well? 

HERNANDEZ; Hmmm. Well, I know that in 
1973, when 1 was nineteen and playing 
double-A ball in Little Rock, Arkansas, 1 
acted like a maniac. I got off to a .170 start, 
and I broke batting helmets, water cool- 
ers—1 was very much of a red ass. It was 
the hottest summer anyone down there 
could remember—it was a hundred de- 
grees every fucking day—aud it took me 
two months to get to 300. 1 remember that 
one day in early August 1973, I went six for 
eight in a double-header and got to .300 
and then went home and had an out-of- 
body experience. 

PLAYBOY: Care to tell us about it, Miss 
MacLaine? 

HERNANDEZ: l'm not. kidding about this. 
After that double-header, I went b: 
the hotel and took a bath and I gu 


went into a hypnotic state. All of a sudden, 
1 was startled, because I actually felt some- 
thing leave шу body, from the tip of my 
ly felt like 


toes to the top of my head. It 
it was a ghost of my inr 
snapped me out of my. 
eyes and —whoosh!—it came 
I don't know what the fucl 
bly a release of tension, % 
ac when 1 played there. 
PLAYBOY: What was the result of that expe- 
rience? 

HERNANDEZ: Within two and a half wee 
І was down to .260. I was 
spent. I'd had a 13: 
month period, and when I finally got to 
‚300, all the tension came out and I had 
nothing left. In the middle of that slump. 
Bob Kennedy, who was then the Cardinals’ 
farm director, called me up to Tulsa, the 
Cards’ triple-A dub. The team was eight 
games out of first place, with a month to go 
оп. I loved the weather there— 
always a breeze in Tulsa—and in 
thirty-one games, I hit 333, and we won 


the championship on the last day of the 
season. 

‘The next year at Tulsa, I hit 351 and 
won the American Association batting ti- 
tle, In August of 74—as I told you be- 
fore— Joe Torre, the Cards’ first baseman, 
sprained his thumb. I got called up and 
did well, and "Torre was traded over the 
winter. I was the heir apparent, and that's 
when the pressure really came down on 
me. At the start of "75, 1 got off slow, my 
confidence really dipped and 1 definitely 
needed to get sent down again. 

PLAYBOY: What was the problem? 
HERNANDEZ: The pitchers were just flat-out 
jamming the piss out of me, and mentally, I 
was overmatched. 1 was in awe of being in 
the big leagues, and I'd go up to the plate 
saying things like, “Oh, my, Um facing Tom 
Seaver.” I had too many doubts about 
whether or not I belonged in the big 
leagues. I was my own worst enemy. 1 was 
with them through Junc—I hit .203—and 
then they benched me and sent me down 
to Tulsa again. That turned out to be a big 
break for me, because the new manager 
there, the late Ken Boyer, knew Га been 
getting jammed, jammed, jammed. So he 
had me go out early every day, and he'd do 
nothing but throw me inside pitches and 
tell me to pull them to the right. All good 
hitters like the ball out over the plate—you 
like to extend your arms—but you have to 
be able to hit when pitchers go inside on 
you. Boyer really saved me. 1 hit .330 at 
Tulsa, and in 1976, my first full season with 
the Cardinals, I hit .333 after the All-Star 
game, when they made me the starting 
first baseman. 

PLAYBOY: Was it smocth s; 
point on? 

HERNANDEZ: No, my average fell to .255 in 
1978, and that’s when Lou Brock really 
took me under his wing and became like a 
second father to me. He taught me every- 
thing, and I always told myself that when I 
got to be his age—Lou retired after the 79 
season, when he was thirty-nine—I'd help 
out younger players the same way he 
helped me out. 

PLAYBOY: What was the most important 
thing Brock taught you? 

HERNANDEZ: How to hit lefi-handed pitch- 
ers. Up until then, I was dangerous against 
left-handers, but I really didn't start hit- 
ting .300 off them consistently unúl Lou 
told me, “You're standing too far away 
from the plate. Move one inch off the plate, 
and make it obvious to the catcher and ev- 
erybody Thats significant and they're 
gonna notice, and they're gonna throw you 
ide fast balls.” Lou always said that in 
your First at-bat їп a game, you should al- 
ways establish inside on the pitcher, and 
when you get the inside fast ball—and you 
will—its OK if you rip it foul, because that 
' gonna go, “Damn, thats my best 
Hell know that he can't get you 
on inside pitches, so for the rest of the 
game, hell throw to your strength—the 
middle of the plate or outside—and now 
you've got. hat made a lot of sense to. 


ng from that 


me, and the following season, I went from 
.255 to .344, the highest batting average іп 
both leagues that year. 

PLAYBOY: And it was that simple? 
HERNANDEZ: lt wasn't simple at all. Lou told 
me, "When they sce you ready for the fast 
ball inside, they're gonna start throwing 
breaking balls, but don't look for them— 
look for fast balls away and adjust to the 
curve.” 1 did that, too. And then he got me 
in spring training the next year and said, 
“Now youre gonna start mixing the pitch- 
ers up, until they don't know what the fuck 
you're doing. You'll pick your spots.” What 
it finally boiled down to is this: If I'm look- 
ing lor an outside pitch, I can handle any- 
thing over the outside three quarters of 
the plate; 1 can't handle the inside quarter. 
When I'm looking for inside pitches, I can. 
handle the inside three quarters of the 
plate; I cant handle the outside quarter. 
Every pitcher in the league—particularly 
left-handers—now knows that I'm an area 
hitter. 1 always have three quarters of the 
plate covered, but which three quarters 
the question that pitchers—and, really, 
catchers—have to ask. The catcher has to 
say, “Is he looking inside or out?" And hes 
gota fifty-fifty chance of being right. 
PLAYBOY: What part did your hitting play 
in the emergence of the Cardinals as a 
power to be reckoned with? 

HERNANDEZ: Very little, I think. The Cardi- 
nals didn't really come together until 
Whitey Herzog got there in June of the 
1980 season, and almost immediately, he 
made a top team out of us. Whitey's forte is 
that he gets the most out of his players. He 
was the first manager I ever really played 
for who talked to everybody on the team 
and made everyone feel he was contribut- 
ing—thats difficult to do, but Whitey's a 
country bullshitter. And he knows the 
game. Whitcy was the first manager who 
called the team's attention to all the minor 
fundamentals—like hitting the cut-off 
man—that nine times out of ten will win 
or lose you a ball game. He also molded а 
team to play on Busch Stadium’s artificial 
turf. Its a big ball park, and you need rab- 
bits in the outfield to cut down the ga] 
and Whitey went out and got 'em. By ‘82, 
the team had gelled and we went on to win 
the world series. 

PLAYBOY: Was competing in the series all 
you'd thought it would be? 

HERNANDEZ: For me—no. The confidence 
factor again. The one thing I'd hate would 
be to go to the American League and have 
to learn every team's pitching staff. Brock 
always told me, “Hitting will get easier as 
you get older. Youll face pitchers like Don 
Sutton year after year, and when you go 
to a game, you'll know what they're gonna 
throw.” Nothing worse than when Septem- 
ber comes and teams call up their minor- 
leaguers and you've got to face these 
rookies and not know what the fuck they'll 
throw—I hate that! That's what would 


happen to те in the American League. 
And that's what happened to me in the '82 
world series. 

PLAYBOY: You couldrit figure out Milwau- 
kee's pitching staff? 

HERNANDEZ: Not in the first four games, I 
couldn't. I went 0 for fifteen, and newspa- 
pers were running stories about how I was 
on a pace to break Gil Hodges' record of 
going 0 for twenty-one in a world series. I 
couldnt get angry at the reporters, be- 
cause going 0 for fifteen in the series ¿5 a 
story. Thats going to bother a younger 
player more than a veteran, and it really 
didn't get to me until I was taking batting 
practice in Milwaukee before game five. 
About seventy reporters were on the field 
and all of them were asking me the same 
question: "When are you gonna get a hit?” 
At that point, the pressure was over- 
whelming. 

PLAYBOY: What did you do? 

HERNANDEZ: I took only one round of bat- 
ting practice, walked out of the batting 
cage and went into the trainers room— 
which is off limits to the press—just to get 
away from those negative questions. 1 was 
being my own worst enemy again. Hitting 
is a constant battle, and you really need to 
think positive. You've got to get angry at 
the pitcher and say, "I don't give a fuck 
what you throw The counts 0 and two, 
bases loaded, pressure situation—throw 
me anything you want, ГЇЇ hit it.” You've 
got to have the eye of the tiger, or, as Dad 
used to say, "When youre up at the plate, 
you've got to bea cold-blooded killer." I re- 
member sitting in the trainer's room and 
thinking about the spaced-out tank com- 
mander Donald Sutherland played in Kel- 
05 Heroes. He had this great line about 
how you've got to tune out all the negative 
waves. 

PLAYBOY: Did that help? 

HERNANDEZ: It must have. Even though we 
lost game five, I went three for four and I 
was on my way. In the last three games, I 
went seven for twelve, including a three- 
run homer off Don Sutton—and when Sut- 
ton was with the Dodgers, I'd never come 
close to hitting a home run off him. That 
shot contributed to what eventually be- 
came а 15-1 blowout in game six, a game 
we had to win. The next day, we won it all. 
PLAYBOY: Did that feel like the climax of 
your career? 

HERNANDEZ: No, and I was disturbed that 
it didn't mean that much to me. 1 thought 
that when we won it, I'd run over to the 
pitcher's mound and jump up and down 
and just go crazy—and I did that, but it 
felt like what І was supposed to do. At the 
time, 1 blamed it on having a child's view- 
point of winning the world series, but that 
wasn't the reason. 

PLAYBOY: What was? 

HERNANDEZ: I was burned out on baseball. 
People don't realize that after a while, you 
can get burned out. Major-league baseball 
is every day—it's not a Sunday slow-pitch 
softball league with beer in the dugout. 


This is seven months out of the year with 
only twenty days off. You play a hundred. 
and sixty-two games in a hundred and 
eighty-two days, and before that, you go 
through six weeks of spring training with 
no off days, and after enough years, the 
grind gets to you. In '82, because we were 
winning, I didn’t realize it had gotten to 
me. The next year—when I went to spring 
waining—is when it really hit. 

PLAYBOY: What were you feeling? 
HERNANDEZ: Well, I was twenty-nine years 
old, I'd been in the big leagues for almost. 
ten years, 1 had maybe ten more left and, 
in a way, I'd attained everything I wanted. 
I'd been M.VP, Га won the league batting 
championship, Gold Gloves and I'd been 
on a championship team—what more was 
left but to do it again? 

The following season, during spring 
training, I talked to Pete Rose about it, and 
he said the same thing had happened to 
him when he was thirty. He told me you 
have to remotivate yourself to go on. By co- 
incidence, I met Julius Erving at this year's 
Super Bowl, and Dr. J thought I was thirty 
or thirty-one. Out of nowhcre, he said, 
“Well, you're at the age now where you've 


“I think coke is bad, 
and anybody who 
does it recreationally 
is taking a tremendous risk. 
Cocaine will grab you 
by the throat." 


got to remotivate yourself” When I told 
him I was thirty-five, he said, “Oh, then 
you've already been through that. I had to 
do the same thing.” So I guess it must be a 
natural process. 

PLAYBOY: You may have remotivated your- 
self at the start of the '83 season, but that 
June, you were traded to the New York 
Mets, a move that seemed to shock just 
about everyone in baseball. 

HERNANDEZ: Everyone except me; Га 
smelled a rat six weeks in advance. I could 
see that Whitey Herzog did not like me, 
and in baseball—unless you're the biggest 
airhead who ever walked the earth—you 
are the first to know when you are not a 
wanted commodity. 

PLAYBOY: After you hit .299 and drove in 
ninety-four runs during the Cardinals’ 
championship season, why didn't Herzog 
want you on the team? 

HERNANDEZ: [A very long silence] 1 must tell 
you that I've never talked about this pub- 
licly, because I want this period of my life 
swept under a rug and forgotten. [Another 
long pause] The real reason 1 was traded? 
I've got to believe it was caused by my use 
of drugs. When I said I'd smelled a rat six 
weeks before the trade, what actually hap- 
pened was that Whitey called a meeting 


and said three players on the team were us- 
ing cocaine. He said he knew who we were, 
and if we didn't come out and admit it, we 
were gone. But that was bluff. The Cardi- 
nals had suspicions, but they didn't have 
any proof. 

PLAYBOY: But their suspicions were correct? 
HERNANDEZ: Yes, and the three guys who 
were using it were me, Joaquin Andujar 
and Lonnie Smith—it's well documented, 
because later on, we all testified in court. 
Ironically enough, Га stopped using the 
drug just a couple of weeks before 1 was 
traded in '83. I started using cocaine in 
1980—that was the year of my greatest 
use. I never really used that much, and I 
only did it on the road, but not every day 
and not in every city. We would just do it 
and yap and tell each other our life stories, 
‘Two other players who were gone from the 
team by '83 were also involved, and since 
they're no longer in baseball, I don't see 
any point in mentioning their names. 
PLAYBOY: What prompted you to quit using 
cocaine? 

HERNANDEZ: Well, Га stopped enjoying the 
high by’81. But I was still snorting coke in 
"82, апа Га sit there and say, “Why the fuck 
am I doing this?” 1 was down to minimal 
use at the start of the '83 season, when 
Whitey delivered his speech. And then 
early in the season, when we played the 
Phillies in Philadelphia, Lonnie came to 
the park too strung out to play. He talked 
to Whitey and turned himself in for reha- 
bilitanon—Lonnie went into the tank fora 
couple of months. Таг when I told my- 
self, That's it. 

PLAYBOY: Did Smith tell the Cardinals that 
you and Andujar were also using coke? 
HERNANDEZ: They knew. Lonnie had been 
at that meeting when Herzog said he knew 
three of us were using coke. The clubs 
know whats going on—they all know. 
We're their investments. They watch over 
their investments. 

PLAYBOY: Was it difficult for you to get off 
the drug? 

HERNANDEZ: Yeah, it was. When I started 
using it, the biggest fuckin’ lie about co- 
caine was that its not addictive. Listen, it's 
tough to get off cocaine. The urges stayed 
with me for the rest of the '83 season, and I 
had those urges during all of '84 and '85, 
as well. I had to stay completely away from 
it. If there was cocaine in the room, 
wherever I was, I left. Now I have a whole 
new group of friends and I'm not around 
it. I think coke is bad, and anybody who 
does it recreationally is taking a tremen- 
dous risk. Cocaine will grab you by the 
throat, and the next thing you know, you're 
in trouble. You're in trouble. 

PLAYBOY: When did you feel as though you. 
were in trouble? 

HERNANDEZ: Well, not in '80, when I start- 
ed doing it—I was enjoying it and I wasn't 
doing it to the point where it affected my 
game. I don't know exactly when it started 
getting a hold on me; probably late "81 or 
782. I think that if I'd kept it up, eventually 


57 


PLAYBOY 


it would have torn me down. In a way, I 
suppose the trade was actually the best 
thing that could have happened to me, be- 
cause no one on the Mets knew what I'd 
done. 

PLAYBOY: Were you happy about being sent 
to the Mets? 

HERNANDEZ: Oh, no, notat all. I was traded 
right at the deadline. On June fifteenth, I 
was out taking batting practice and I'm 
thinking, Well, I've got till midnight. 105 
five o'clock, we're hitting and I'm in uni- 
form—only seven more hours till dead- 
line. A few minutes later, Buddy Bares, the 
clubhouse man, came out and said, 
“Whitey wants you in his office.” Assoon as 
Buddy told me that, 1 knew I was gone. 
"The only surprise was where I was going. 
The minute | walked into his office, 
Whitey said, "We traded you." I said, 
"What team?” and he said, "The Mets.” I 
honestly think they traded me to New York 
just to bury me, because the Mets were 
then a terrible team. While I was in his 
office, Whitey called up Frank Cashen, the 
Mets’ general manager, and put me on the 
phone with him. 

PLAYBOY: What did Cashen say to you? 
HERNANDEZ: That he was happy to have me 
aboard, and that the Mets were turning 
things around—and I was sitting there 
thinking, Oh, sure, the Mets have only 
been mired in last place for the past five 
years. I was also thinking that I had half a 
season left on my contract, which may have 
had a lot to do with the trade. 1 was 
finishing a five-year three-point-eight-mil- 
lion-dollar deal with St. Louis, and if I had 
signed a new five-year contract, it would 
have been for considerably more—proba- 
bly for as much as the eight million, four 
hundred thousand dollars I got from New 
York. I don't think St. Louis really wanted 
to pay it. They're a very conservative or- 
ganization; they're the ones who are always 
going to move last. 

PLAYBOY: After talking with Cashen, did 
you feel better about the trade? 
HERNANDEZ: Let me put it this way: Аз 
soon as I got home from the ball park, I 
called my agent and said, “Can I retire? Do 
I have enough money to quit?” And he 
said, "No, you don't—not if you want to 
lead the life you're used to.” After that, I 
spoke to my dad, who really made me feel 
better about going to New York. 

PLAYBOY: How so? 

HERNANDEZ: My father, being the fan that 
he is, was very well informed about the 
progress being made by Dwight Gooden, 
Ron Darling and Walt Terrell, all of whom 
were then in the Mets' minor-league chain. 
He said, “You've got a pitching staff com- 
ing ир” He also knew all about Darryl 
Strawberry and said, "This team's got 
some talent.” My dad knows baseball, so I 
respected what he said. 

PLAYBOY: You were traded to the Mets for 
pitchers Neil Allen and Rick Ownbey—a 
trade that delighted Mets fans but made 
Cardinals fans fume. 

HERNANDEZ: It was a bad trade, especially: 


in retrospect. The Cardinals could have 
gotten a hell of a lot more for me, I think, 
because they didn't come out and tell the 
world about the drug thing. But there cer- 
tainly were rumors floating around— 
when 1 talked to Cashen, he let me know 
he'd heard whispers of my having a drug 
problem. By the same token, if Whitey had 
really wanted me, he could have come to 
me and said, "Look, we know what you're 
doing; let's get you some help." That never 
happened. 

And then, after the trade, the club sud- 
denly went south, and St. Louis fans gor all 
over Whitey for it. Still, he bit the bullet 
and didn't come out and say I was traded 
because of drugs and that Га lied about 
not using them. 

PLAYBOY: So Herzog was a stand-up guy? 
HERNANDEZ: Yes, he was. But when Whitey 
started getting heat every day because of 
the trade and because the club had gone 
south, he became very critical of me, and I 
wish he'd kepthis mouth shut. Herzog said 
I wasnt his kind of ballplayer because I 
didn't always run out ground balls—and 
that's a weakness in my game, I admit that. 
He finally came up with the ultimate criti- 
cism: He said I was a selfish player. That, 
to me, is the worst. I'd rather be called a 
dog than a selfish player. Thar's a player 
who goes four for four and the team loses, 
but he's happy; or when the team wins and 
he's 0 for four, he's pissed off. That really 
got to me. 

PLAYBOY: Have you talked with Herzog 
since then? 

HERNANDEZ: Yeah, we're fine now I have 
the greatest respect for him as a manager, 
and because of that respect, it really did 
bother me when I read that I wasr't his 
kind of player. But as I've already men- 
tioned, I also know that he could have gone 
public with the drug thing and didn't. 
PLAYBOY: How did your drug use finally 
come to light? 

HERNANDEZ: During spring training of 
1985, I got a call from an FBI agent in 
Pittsburgh, who said, "We want you to 
come here and testify in front of the grand 
jury concerning Curtis Strong,” who was a 
drug dealer. I thought, Oh, fuck. Some- 
thing that ended two years ago, something 
thar's behind me—and I get caught now? 
The trial didn't take place until September, 
and Lonnie testified the day before I did. 
He told the grand jury that he, Andujar, 
myself and the two other players I alluded 
to had used cocaine. 

PLAYBOY: Were you upset at Smith for in- 
forming on you? 

HERNANDEZ: No, because 1 understood 
what he was going through. I knew hc was 
afraid that he would be suspended; I'm 
sure they threatened him with that. So I 
didn't hold it against him—were still 
friends—and neither did Joaquin. There 
were no hard feelings. What Lonnie 
testified to was the truth, and when my 
turn came, | wasn't going to perjure my- 
self. And I didn't. 

PLAYBOY: After you and a number of other 


players were granted immunity in return 
for your testimony, former baseball com- 
missioner Peter Ueberroth gave you a 
choice of being suspended for a year or 
paying a fine of ten percent of your yearly 
salary—which in your case came to a hun- 
dred and thirty-five thousand dollars— 
and performing two hundred hours of 
community service. What did you think of 
Ueberroths ruling? 

HERNANDEZ: When he first came out with 
his announcement, 1 didn't like it at all. 
When Hollywood stars get caught doing 
cocaine and it appears in the papers, ev- 
erybody just says “Oh,” and it doesn't af- 
fect their box office and they continue to 
work. But then, I had to look atit objective- 
ly and I realized this was a big scandal, and 
Ueberroth had to do something, because 
the public was outraged. The public—and 
probably rightly so—said I should have 
been thankful that I wasn't suspended for 
life. Listen, I hate the fact that I'm part of 
“The Pittsburgh Seven,” and that'll be 
baseball history, just like the Black Sox 
scandal: “The Pittsburgh Seven,” and 
there is my name. Using coke was the 
biggest fuckin’ mistake I ever made, be- 
cause my reputation had been outstand- 
ing, and I blew it. 

PLAYBOY: How long did it take before you 
were happy about having been sent to New 
York? 

HERNANDEZ: Well, when I first got there, 
my perceptions of New York were what 
they'd always been: that it’s all crime and 
muggings and don’t go out at night. Like 
most people around the country, I was ter- 
rified of New York. I was still married in 
"83, and we had three daughters, so 1 lived 
in Greenwich, Connecticut, and commut- 
ed to Shea Stadium. But over the winter, 
my wife and I separated for the last time, 
and in 1984, Rusty Staub, who was my best 
friend on the team, insisted that I take a 
place in the city. And that’s when 1 
changed my opinion of New York. 
PLAYBOY: What caused you to change it? 
HERNANDEZ: Rusty and two other Mets who 
were also single, Ed Lynch and Ron Dar- 
ling, were all living in the city, so the four 
of us hung out together. Rusty knew the 
city like the back of his hand, and being 
the gourmet that he is, we used to go out to 
great dinners after every game, and 1 liked 
that. Throughout my years in St. Louis, Га 
always gotten bored in the off season, be- 
cause there wasn't enough to do. In New 
York, you can't get bored—theres simply 
тоо many things going on, and not just 
party things. New York has great restau- 
rants, Broadway shows, all kinds of enter- 
tainment, and good basketball, hockey and 
football. 

PLAYBOY: Off and on the field, you're 
known best as “the Mex,” but we've been 
told that that’s more of an alter ego than а 
nickname. True? 

HERNANDEZ: Yes, but it didrit start out that. 
way. When 1 began playing in the minor 


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60 


leagues, the Caribbean, South American 
and Mexican players I met usually asked 
me where 1 was from. Га tell them the 
truth: "I'm from San Francisco, and I'm 
Spanish." Theyd alvays say, "Well, you're 
not Spanish, you're just ashamed to admit 
you're Venezuelan or Mexican." So instead 
of fighting it, at eighteen, 1 became the 
Mex. 

As I grew older, the Mex became some- 
one other than who I was away from the 
ball park. I remember that іп 1987, I spent 
most of the season trying to get back to- 
gether with my girlfriend; we'd been sepa- 
rated for a year, and when 1 realized I'd 
made a grave error in judgment, it affected. 
my play and the way 1 carried myself 
around the team. I was тооду and 1 was 
distracted, and I'm usually hyper. At the 
end of the season, Ron Darling came up to 
me and said, “We need you to bc the Mex 
again." 

PLAYBOY: And viho is the Mex? 
HERNANDEZ: The Mex is a ballplayer who 
enjoys being with his teammates and who 
doesn't act like an adult thirty-five-year-old 
male. He's not wild and crazy, but he cer- 
tainly is youthful. When we're flying from 
city to city, the back of the plane is where 
everybody goes to have a good time. You 
ро back and drink your beers and have 
some fun during the two- or three-hour 
flight to the next town. The Mex belongs in 
the back of the plane, but that doesn't 
mean Pm going to be getting drunk and 
abusive. 

I'm really two different people: the 
ballplayer and the person I am during the 
off season. During the off season, I'm a 
fairly solitary man; during the season, I 
don't want to be solitary, I smoke cigarettes 
during the season; the rest of the year, I 
don't. During the winter, I get up early, like 
normal people do, and I enjoy the day. 
During the season, because we're noctur- 
nal—the great majority of our games are 
played at night—I stay up till two in the 
morning and sleep till noon. 

PLAYBOY: Is that the way you were spending 
most of your time that first season in New 
York? 

HERNANDEZ: Actually, the first half of the 
season, I was living with a girl. The second 
half, I wasn't going out like Joe Namath 
and painting the town red, though I was 
staying out late. Thats when I started 
thinking Davey Johnson was the greatest 
manager in the world. On Saturday nights, 
I'd usually stay out till five in the morning, 
and when I went to the ball park before 
our Sunday-afternoon games, I'd tell Da- 
vey, “I'm beat; I don't want to take hitting.” 
And he'd let me go into the trainer's room 
and sleep till noon, and often enough, I'd 
go out and go four for five. That year— 
1984—was the best of my career. I hit .300 
every month and 1 was never better in the 
clutch. To me, '84 was the initial challenge. 
The team had lost ninety-four games the 
year before; in '84, we won ninety games. 


We turned it around in one year, and Da- 
vey was one of the major reasons for that. 
PLAYBOY: How would you characterize 
Johnson's approach to managing? 
HERNANDEZ: Davey plays alot of hunches— 
he operates on his instincts, rolls the dice 
and often goes against the grain. And Da- 
vey's great at developing new talent and in- 
stilling confidence in young players. He 
was perfect for the Mets job. Davey never 
put any of our young players in the posi- 
tion I was in when I started out with St. 
Louis: If they went 0 for four, he didn't 
bench them the next day He nurtured 
those kids, especially the pitchers. During 
their first year with the Mets, whenever 
Dwight Gooden or Ron Darling got into a 
jam in the fifth inning or so, Davey would 
make them get out of it themselves, and 
only then would he yank them. And he 
would get tremendous criticism for not let- 
ting Dwight Gooden, at nincteen years of 
age, throw more than a hundred and ten 
pitches—or whatever the number was— 
because our trainer had seen a lot of 
young arms get blown out from overwork. 
Unfortunately, our bull pen couldn't hold a 
lead, so when we lost, Davey would catch a 
lot of criticism for it: “Well, why didnt you 
leave Gooden in? Doc was throwing a six- 
hit, one-run game and you pulled him in 
the eighth inning. Why?" And Davey 
would always say, "Because he threw a 
hundred and ten pitches" He took the 
heat. It’s pretty clear to me that Davey's one 
of the new breed of managers. 

PLAYBOY: Apparently so: He's known to re- 
ly heavily on computerized stats. Do you 
go along with that? 

HERNANDEZ: Yes, but only to a degree, be- 
cause there are some things the computer 
doesnt tell you. The first year Davey had 
the print-outs, I got curious and checked 
ту average against every pitcher we faced. 
When I found out I was .345 against John 
Candelaria, I couldn't believe it, because 
he was one of the toughest left-handers in 
the league. What the computer cant tell 
you—at least not right now—is if I hit 
twenty bloopers and infield bleeders or if 1 
got legitimate hits off the pitcher. 

The numbers also can be deceiving in 
the other direction. The first time we faced 
Nolan Ryan, who was then pitching for the 
Astros, Davey called me into his office and 
said, “I’m going to rest you today; take the 
day off. The computer says you hit .175 
against Ryan.” I said, “No, no, Davey. I 
dort mind facing Nolan Ryan. Ryan's 
tough, but I've beaten him.” I finally per- 
suaded Davey not to rest me against Ryan, 
and in the eighth inning, I hit a three-run 
homer to beat him. My average against 
Ryan may have been 175, but he always 
walked me a lot and І was dangerous 
against him. 

PLAYBOY: Former Cardinals catcher Tim 
McCarver, who's currently the hottest TV. 
baseball broadcaster in America, says he 
has never seen a player do more than you 


do to help his team win, and Frank Cashen 
agrees. Just what is it that you do? 
HERNANDEZ: Exactly what Lou Brock did 
for me when I was a rookie. I remembered 
how Lou calmed me down and how much 
that meant to me. I'd never been on a team 
that had so many young players come up at 
once who were bona fide major-leaguers, 
but they were all going through what I had 
gone through—wondering whether or not 
they belonged in the big leagues. So all of 
a sudden, I'm Dwight Gooden, I'm Ron 
Darling, Im Lenny Dykstra, I'm Roger 
McDowell, I'm Darryl Strawberry—partic- 
ularly Straw. I had a special attachment to 
him because he was gonna be the next 
Willie McCovey and hit five hundred home 
runs, and he had intense, immense pres- 
sure put on him starting when he was 
nineteen years old. I remembered how Га 
felt when I was twenty-one and had my pic- 
ture in Sports Illustrated, which ran an arti- 
cle called “The Most Likely to Succeed.” 
Darryl's still under much more pressure 
than I ever was. 

PLAYBOY: Any reason for that? 

HERNANDEZ: Oh, sure—he hits monstrous 
home runs. Darryls got awesome power. 
And America much prefers a slugger like 
Darryl to a Wade Boggs, a .380 hitter who 
hits twelve home runs. We love home-run 
hitters because home runs are exciting. 
The closest thing to Darryl is Jack Clark, 
who also puts fear into the hearts of a lot of 
pitchers. Darry!'s very intimidating. 
PLAYBOY: When crowds in stadiums 
throughout the National League razz him 
by chanting “Dar—ryl! Dar—nl!” does he 
cver get intimidated? 

HERNANDEZ: No, I think he likes it. The 
reason they do it, of course, is that Darryl's 
a special player. A lot of people compare 
him to Reggie Jackson, but I think Darryl's 
very sensitive, whereas Reggie was just 
Reggie. 

PLAYBOY: Meaning? 

HERNANDEZ: Reggie loved being in the 
spotlight. I mean, when he came to bat 
with the bases loaded, he would get a 
hard-on. Mr. All-Star-fucking-grand-slam- 
homer-in-Detroit-off-theight-tower, Mr. 
October—his ego just thrived on things 
like that, and I know him, and I like him. 
Darryl's not Reggie. Darryl has this vul- 
nerability that shows, and it's such that in 
New York, fans really love him, but they're 
befuddled by him, and I think at least 
some of that's been caused by the New York 
press, which always criticizes his defense. 
Darryl is not a Roberto Clemente in right 
field—Clemente won twelve Gold Gloves— 
but he's not a butcher in right field, either. 
Well, maybe he is just an average 
outfielder. So what? Listen, Darryl is the 
cornerstone of the Mets' franchise—he is 
the franchise player. You build teams 
around a Darryl Strawberry and his abili- 
ties. But even though New York fans are 
very bright and very knowledgeable, they 
get exasperated by him. 

PLAYBOY: Why? Just because they think he 


should be a great defensive player? 
HERNANDEZ: No, it's the controversy that 
seems to swarm around him every spring. 
They really want to take Darryl into their 
hearts, and it's a very frustrating relation- 
ship. Darryl could have New York in his 
back fucking pocket, and, to a degree, he 
does, but fans always want him to do more. 
last year, he led the league with 
ne home runs, had a hundred and 
one R.B.I.s and hit .269. What do you ex- 
pect from this man? 

PLAYBOY: Let's focus for a moment on your 
mention of the controversy that always 
seems to surround Strawberry: This past 
spring, just about every TV station in the 
nation broadcast footage of the two of you 
fighting at spring training. You've thus far 
refused to reveal the 
cause of that fight, 
so we'll try to finesse 
this one out of you. 
What was the cause 
of that fight? 
HERNANDEZ: [A long 
silence] Well, Гуе 
been highly critical 
of Darryl, and may- 
be too much so—in 
the  newspapers— 
about things 1 
should have said to 
him face to face. Гуе 
always had Darryl's 
best interests at 
heart, but there are 
things Ive зай 
about him publicly 
1 hadn't. 


that he quit on us in 
"84 апа 85. I think I 
misjudged him back 
then, and Darryl 
is very misunder- 
stood. 1 can tell you 
that he is a caring 
person who's got a 
good heart and who 
wants to be liked. 
He is not an asshole, 
which is to say he's 
not a self-centered 
piece of shit. 
PLAYBOY: You still haven't told us what hap- 
pened at spring training. 

HERNANDEZ: What happened was this: 
Darryl had heard from a most unreliable 
source—dont ask me who, ‘cause I won't 
tell you—that last fall, І had campaigned 
against him winning the leagues M.VP 
award. He didn’t hear this from anybody 
connected with the Mets, but he believed 
it, and that simply wasn't true. 

PLAYBOY: The M.VP. award is voted on by 
sportsvriters. He was told that you had 
urged sportswriters not to vote for him? 
HERNANDEZ: Right. The day before we got 
into the fight, we ran into each other and 
he asked me about it, and I said, "Darryl, 
no." And I thought we'd cleared that up. 


PLAYBOY: Obviously, you hadrit. 

HERNANDEZ: That's also right. But I think I 
really touched it off. Straw was then trying 
10 get his old contract torn up, and ! told 
some newspapermen I thought he was get- 
ting bad advice from his agent—which was 
rot really blaming Darryl. Anyway, he 
picked the fight. There were all these cam- 
eramen around and I said, “Are you sure 
you want to do this right here, right now?" 
He wanted to, and | couldnt back down. 
But I didn't want to hit him, and I could 
have coldcocked him. We were laughing 
about this recently, because he hadn't real- 
ly wanted to hit me, either. Darryl's also a 
lefty, and he threw a half-assed left hand 
and brushed my nose with the back of one 
of his fingers—it wasnit even a backhand 


slap. 

PLAYBOY: Was that the end of it? 
HERNANDEZ: Yes, but I couldn't sleep that 
night—1 was very upset. The next day, 1 go 
to the park and, lo and behold, Darryl 
comes up to me and says, “Let's play catch, 
Mex.” I can't tell you how relieved I was. 
PLAYBOY: Why? Is camaraderie that impor- 
tant to you? 

HERNANDEZ: Camaraderie is very impor- 
tant! In St. Louis, we were a tight unit, and 
after a game, you didn't have to say, “I'll see 
you at the hotel bar.” Instead of going up 
to our hotel rooms after a night game and 
feeling claustrophobic, we would meet 
downstairs and talk to one another over a 
few beers. On my first road trip with the 


Mets in '83, I took the team bus back to 
the hotel, and only three players were in 
the hotel bar. I went, “Holy fuck!" It stayed 
like that through the end of that first half 
season I played for New York. 

The next year, in '84, on our first road 
trip, 1 made a point of going up to fifteen 
players and saying, "Hey, ГЇ meet you їп 
the hotel bar after the game." All fifteen 
guys showed up, and I'll never forget that 
Hubie Brooks, who now plays for the Ex: 
pos, came up the next day and said, "You 
know, I had a great time last night; let's do 
it again." A team becomes a team that way. 
And you don't just spend your time bull- 
shitting. For instance, let's say Ниме went 
one for four during the game. I'd ask him, 
“That one atbat where you were awe- 
some—what did the 
pitcher lead you off 
with? What did he 
throw you on three 
and one? What was 
on your mind at 
three and one?" The 
pitchers talk about 
pitching, the rest of 
us talk about hit- 
ting, and thats im- 
portant 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk 
some more about 
hitting. Ted Wil- 
liams once claimed 
that hitting а 
pitched baseball is 
the toughest single 
act in sports. Do you 
agree? 

HERNANDEZ: Yes, 1 
do. If a quarterback 
completes thirty 
percent of his pass- 
es, he won't make it 
to the N.EL. You 
dort hear about 
quarterbacks with a 
thirty percent—or 
.$00—completion 
average. If a tennis 
player gets in only 
thirty percent of his 
first serves, he's in 
deep shit. Same with 
a basketball player 
who shoots thirty percent from the floor. 
But a baseball player who gets hits in thirty 
percent of his at-bats—only about a dozen 
guys in each league are able to do that. 
Check it out. 

PLAYBOY: After fifteen seasons in the major 
leagues, your lifetime batting average is 
exactly .300. Can you tell us what it takes to 
bea .300 hitter? 

HERNANDEZ: Mental discipline. Total men- 
tal discipline. Every year you have approxi- 
mately seven hundred appearances at the 
plate. There will be times when youre in, 
say, St. Louis, and you're leading off the 
ninth inning, the score is 10-0, it’s a week- 
end game and the temperature is a hun- 
dred degrees—and a hundred and forty 


61 


PLAYBOY 


degrees on the Astroturf—and the heat is 
reflecting up in your face. And you can't 
give in, but once in a while, you're going to 
give in. There air't a man alive who's gon- 
na have seven hundred quality at-bats. 
He's gonna have that time when he says, 
"I'm tired, this game's out of reach, this 
pitcher gives me trouble—fuck it" Keep 
them at a minimum. And that's the differ- 
ence between a .300 hitter and a .280 hit- 
ter. 

PLAYBOY: Last year, even though you were 
only two hits short of it, the fact is that you 
did fall below .280. Aside from that statis- 
tic, are you aware of any inroads that time 
has made on your ability to hit? 
HERNANDEZ: That's difficult to answer, be- 
cause before I got hurt last year—and this 
year, too—I was having a normal season. 
Let me put it this way: When I slip, ГЇЇ be 
the first to know 1 once asked [former 
Chicago Cubs slugger] Billy Williams 
when he first felt that he was slipping and 
what he did to compensate for it. Billy said, 
"When I was thirty-seven, I felt myself be- 
come a little slower—I didnt get the bat 
around as fast as 1 always had, so 1 looked 
for certain pitches. Billy and I talked 
about the pitches he looked for, and what. 
he told me will remain strictly confidential. 
Im not giving anything away that I don't 
have to. 

PLAYBOY: At the start of the season, Mets 
vice-president Joe McIlvaine sounded as if 
he were ready 1 give ули away. Mullvaine 
told a writer that if you don't play up to 
your usual level, it may be “time to sever 
the cord.” How did you react to that? 
HERNANDEZ: І took it for what it was: That's 
the business end of baseball. 1 was coming 
off an injury that put me out for sixty days 
and was getting ready to negotiate a new 
contract, and he was saying, “Show me.” If 
I were in Joe's shoes, I would have said and 
done the same thing: I wouldn't have 
signed me to another contract until late in 
the season or until the season was over— 
Td have waited to see if I'd had a good 
year or not. I think its purely a business 
decision, and a good one, a sound one. 
They're doing the same thing to Carter— 
the spotlight's on both of us. 

PLAYBOY: And how hot is that spotlight get- 
ting? 

HERNANDEZ: This is a different sort of 
pressure than I've ever had to deal with, 
because I want to finish my career with the 
Mets. New York is my home, and if I didn't. 
give a shit about living there, I wouldn't 
give two flips about playing somewhere 
else next year. My injury has changed the 
picture, however. Even though it's a freak 
injury, it’s an injury nonetheless, and it's 
real easy to picture management saying, 
“OK, he's starting to get hurt now, and it 
will continue.” But when I come back, and 
if I get back in the starting line-up, I think 
my destiny will still be in my own hands. 
Of course, it's certainly possible that come 
September—which is when this kind of 


thing always happens—a contending team 
will want a veteran first baseman to help 
them in their stretch run for a division ti- 
tle. But at least I'm not at the Mets’ mercy. 
I'm a ten-and-five man—I have ten years 
of service in the big leagues and more than 
the required five with the same team— 
which automatically means that they can't 
trade me to a club I don't want to play for. 
And if they can't trade me, then I become а 
free agent and can sign with anybody next 
year. 

PLAYBOY: How would you feel about being 
traded? 

HERNANDEZ: Right now, if I have to go 
somewhere, there's only one team I'd want 
to finish my career with, and it's in the Na- 
tional League. I can't tell you which team, 
because that could be interpreted as 
breaking baseball's rule against tamper- 
ing, and I'd catch hell for it from the com- 
missioner's office. But I'd still rather finish 
my career vith the Mets. 

So the pressure this year is unlike the 
usual variety, but it finally comes down to 
the same thing: I've got to continue to pro- 
duce. 

PLAYBOY: And what if you can’t produce? 


“Theres not enough years 
left for me to have any 
shot at getting three 
thousand hits. Pm not 
gonna fuss and break 
my head over it.” 


HERNANDEZ: What do I do? I don't know. 
For the first time in my career, because of 
my divorce and some financial problems, 
I'm really playing for a new contract. I 
should be fucking set for life, but I got am- 
bushed, waylaid by the past. When I got di- 
vorced, I got clobbered, and there were 
also problems with my former agent and 
the IRS. I had everything planned so that 
after this contract, I could quit, if I wanted 
to, and live off the money I'd deferred all 
these years. I was set, but that option's no 
longer there. And I'm very pissed about it. 
PLAYBOY: Because of that situation, how 
many more years do you plan on playing? 

HERNANDEZ: If I can stay healthy, I've got 
three years left where I can play a hundred 
and fifty games a season. Physically, I may 
have five years left, but the only thing that 
could Keep me in the game that long is my 
shot at three thousand hits, which would 
just about ensure me a place in the Hall of 
Fame. Between last year's injury and this 
one, though, that's out: See ya. Sayonara. 
There's not enough years left and not 
enough games left for me to have any shot 
at getting three thousand hits. I'm not 
gonna fuss and break my head over it, 
though I certainly would like to get twenty- 
five hundred. But if it doesnt happen, 


then it doesn't happen. I'll just have had a 
good career, and Ill take it from there. 
PLAYBOY: Since you've already indicated 
that you probably won't be playing then, 
what do you expect to be doing five years 
from now? 

HERNANDEZ: I’m not sure, and I'm worried 
about it. Do I want to broadcast? Do I want 
to manage? Do I want to stay in the game? 
You know what would be the most effort- 
less job? Just coaching for the Mets, living 
in New York and throwing batting prac- 
tice. I could do that for a while. Actually, I 
would love just to fade into the sunset. 
PLAYBOY: Is it important to you how New 
Yorkers remember your years with the 
Mets? 

HERNANDEZ: Well, I think it's already pret- 
ty much guaranteed that I’m a member of 
an exclusive club—only two Mets teams 
have ever won the vorld series, the miracle 
Mets of '69 and the "86 Mets—so we'll al- 
ways be remembered. And no matter if my 
career falls apart this year—the worst pos- 
sible scenario is that I'm not given a new 
contract—as time goes by, the fans will for- 
get all that, and they'll remember '86. 
"Thats important to me, and I'm looking 
forward to old-timers' day in the year 
2006—the twenty-year reunion of the 
1986 Mets will be a fun day. 

Other than that, I won't lose sleep over 
how people are gonna remember me when 
I'm through playing. Fans always expect 
you to be in a great mood, and there have 
been times when they've come up for an 
autograph and I've had a bad day or I've 
been in a slump, and I've been rude. Those 
people probably hate my guts, 'cause you 
remember those things. But if they think 
I'm stuck-up or unfriendly, they ought to 
think again. They don't know me. I have 
my own life. 

PLAYBOY: It almost sounds as if, when you 
leave the game—aside from your desire 
for Hall of Fame membership—you don't 
want to leave any footprints behind you. 
HERNANDEZ: That's not true. What's impor- 
tant to me is how I'm perceived by baseball 
people. When Whitey Herzog was my 
manager, he could drive to the park every 
day knowing I'd be in the line-up, that I 
wanted to play and that I'd always give him 
my very best. That's how I want to be per- 
ceived. Not as this guy who got twenty-five 
hundred hits and who was a lifetime .300 
hitter. I gave it my best—thar's how I want 
to be remembered. 

And I know this much: When I retire 
from baseball, I will miss the guys much 
more than the game, and I think that's 
true for most ex-ballplayers. I won't miss 
having to drive in the clutch run with two 
outs in theninth inning. But I will miss the 
three-A.M. bus rides from the airport into 
Cincinnati, where there's music going and 
everybody's singing and laughing. Those 
are the great times. 


пппгшгет 
y U zn өтімі 
al Lom 1 Ц 


64 


the pre-season scoop on this year's n.f.l. wars 


е By GARY COLE 


UPER BOWL XXII, three minutes, 

ten seconds left in the game, 

Cincinnati up 16—13, San Francis- 

co with the ball on its own eight- 
yard line. Are the 49ers worried? Nah! 
After all, they have the best wide re- 
ceiver who has ever played the game in 
Jerry Rice. And they have Mr. Clutch, 
Joe Montana, the guy who has been 
bringing teams back since his peewee- 
league days. 

So often, potential Super Bowl mag- 
ic turns out to be all hype and no dra- 
ma, games more memorable for their 
commercials than for the final min- 
utes. Not on this day, because Joc Cool 


game on the line and the ball on the 
Cincinnati ten, Montana finds John 
"Taylor uncovered over the middle and 


hits him for a touchdown. Its San 
Francisco's third Super Bowl ring in 
34 


eight years and leaves Montana 
seconds to rehearse "I'm going to Disney World." 

Montana may not have proved that he's the best big- 
game quarterback ever, but then, he's not finished. Cincin- 
nati receiver Cris Collinsworth summed up Montana's 
performance best: “Joe Montana is not human. I don't 
want to call him a god, but he's definitely somewhere in 
between." 

Happily, fans whose reason for living ended with Mon- 
tana's heroics had plenty of off-season action to keep them 
awake till fall. In fact, four events took place that changed 
the face of professional football. 

Start with the patriarch of coaches over the past two and 
a half decades, Tom Landry, who was hustled out of Dallas 
and into the sunset by new Covboys owner Jerry Jones, a 
feisty Arkansas millionaire who cracked heads as a player 
for the Razorbacks when offensive guards weighed only 
185 pounds. Simultancously, Jones brought in former Ar- 
kansas teammate Jimmy Johnson, he of the perfect hair 
and almost perfect record at the University of Miami 
(51—9) these past five years, to bring law and order and 
some wins to an America's team only a shadow of its for- 
mer self. 

Next, in a move that surprised even his closest friends, 
Pete Rozelle, the man most responsible for the wildly suc- 
cessful mating of pro football and television, stepped 
down after 29 years as N.EL. commissioner. The man had 


PLAYBOY'S 


PRO 


is at the helm. Piece by little piece, he 
takes apart Cincinnati’s zone coverage 
and unlikely dream. Eight yards, seven 
yards, then seven again. With the 


made his mark. It was Rozelle who 
persuaded the owners to split TV rev- 
enues equally, thus creating league sta- 
bility and economic fortune; Rozelle 
who oversaw the merger of the A.EL. 
with the N.EL. and the inception of the 
Super Bowl; Rozelle who convinced 
Roone Arledge at ABC that football 
belonged in Monday-night prime time. 
And to think that it took the league 23 
ballots back in 1960 to settle on com- 
promise candidate Rozelle, then a 33- 
year-old PR man. 

He quit, finally, “to spend more free 
time and stressless time” with his fami- 
ly. And who can blame him, after end- 
less strife with the players’ union and a 
decade-long legal squabble between 
the league office and Raiders owner Al 
Davis? 

Then 229 players changed partners 
in the N.EL.s version of a Chinese fire 
drill. That’s more guys than quarter- 
back Custer had with him when the 
Seventh Cav played Sitting Bull State. 
When the league decided to short-cir- 
cuit a lawsuit by the players’ union by allowing each team 
to protect 37 players and give free agency to everyone else, 
no one imagined that more than a third of the unprotect- 
ed players would actually switch uniforms. 

The move, referred to as Plan B, probably benefited the 
weaker teams such as Green Bay (20 players signed), who 
helped themselves to the leftovers of talent-rich franchises 
such as Houston (15 players lost). It most definitely 
benefited the players who switched, а mostly mediocre 
crowd, who signed contracts for approximately 72 percent 
more than they were paid in 1988. Can Gary Hogeboom, 
who went from Indianapolis to Phoenix, really be worth 
$3,400,000 over four years? 

Finally, back in Dallas, Texas E. Schramm, the president 
and general manager of the Cowboys and the second-most 
powerful man in the N.EL., handed in his badge after de- 
ciding there wasn't enough room in town for both himself 
and new owner Jones. It was Schramm who had originally 
pushed Rozelle for commissioner, who sat on the powerful 
Tules committee and who, along with Rozelle, recognized 
the potential of pro football on television. It was no acci- 
dent that Dallas became America's team. Schramm engi- 
neered it, along with five Super Bowl appearances, for his 


"Joe Montana is not human. I don't want to call 
him a god, but he's definitely somewhere in between.” 
—cris COLUINSWORTH, wide receiver, Cincinnati Bengals 


ILLUSTRATION BY DLARDOVEVANS 


RE 


A "E 


7% 


THIS SEASON'S WINNERS 


AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Eastern Division..........+ е 

Central Division . Cleveland Browns 
Western Division . Los Angeles Raiders 

Wild Cards. . . „Houston Oilers 
Indianapolis Colts 
AFC. Champion Buffalo Bills 

NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 
Eastern Division ee sn acres eer ee rH a Philadelphia Eagles 
Central Division . .. Minnesota Vikings 
. San Francisco 49ers 
Be doen A ‚Chicago Bears 

Los Angeles Rams 
Mu er eue Ms Minnesota Vikings 
SUPER BOWL CHAMPION ..................... MINNESOTA VIKINGS 


Randall Cunningham, Philadelphia .. ...... csse Quarterback 
Eric Dickerson, Indianapolis - A Running Back 
Herschel Walker, Dallas _ Running Back 
‚Jerry Rice, San Francisco. «Wide Receiver 
Anthony Carter, Minnesota „Wide Receiver 
Keith Jackson, Philadelphia Tight End 
‚Anthony Munoz, Cincinnati 
Gary Zimmerman, Minnesota . 
Bill Fralic, Atlanta . 
Мах Montoya, Cincinnati 
Ray Donaldson, Indianapolis. 


DEFENSE 
Bruce Smith, Buffalo . . 
Chris Doleman, Minnesota is 
Reggie White, Philadelphia Tackle 
Mike Singletary, Chicago. - . Inside Linebacker 
John Offerdahl, Miami. . Inside Linebacker 


Outside Linebacker 


Ardre Tippett, New England . 
Cornelius Bennett, Buffalo. 
Albert Lewis, Kansas City. 
Frank Minnifield, Cleveland 
Joey Browner, Minnesota . 
Ronnie Lott, San Francisco 


SPECIALTIES 


Tim Brown, Los Argeles Raiders 
Ron Wolfley, Phoenix 


ROOKIE OF THE YEAR 
Вапу Sanders, Detroit .................. КМ Ж.-с 


beloved Cowboys. 

Schramm left Dallas to take on the 
challenge of organizing the N.EL.s new 
International Football League, a devel- 
opmental probe to test the viability of ex- 
panding into foreign markets. Never 
mind the outcome; Gil Brandt, the Cow- 
boys former director of player personnel 
and another victim of Jones's house 
cleaning, knows where Schramm's heart 
lies: “Tex will always wear a Cowboys star 
оп his sleeve.” 

"There were also a few less historic 
changes in the off season. Steroids are 
out; the instant replay is still in. All play- 
ers will be tested for anabolic steroids 
and masking agents during a seven-to- 
ten-day period at the start of training 
camp. À positive test will result in a mini- 
mum 30-day suspension. А second posi- 
tive test will result in a ban for the 
remainder of the season, including all 
postseason games. The use of the in- 
stant replay as an officiating aid was сх- 
tended onc more ycar by an owners’ vote 
of 24-4. 

And now, before any more N.EL. leg- 
ends resign or are fired, or the Redskins 
take off their paint to become Cowboys, 
let's take to the field to pick the winners. 


EASTERN DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 
Philadelphia Еайез............. 


Washington Redskins 
New York Giants. . 


Dallas Cowboys . 
Phoenix Cardinals. . 


When we predicted last year that the 
Philadelphia Eagles would win the N.EC. 
Fast, we had no idea that a Buddy Ryan— 
coached team could finish dead last out 
of 28 teams in pass defense. It did, and 
the Eagles won the division anyway. 

"The credit goes to quarterback Ran- 
dall Cunningham and N.EL. Rookie of 
the Year Keith Jackson, who set an Eagles 
receiving record with 81 catches. Some 
credit also goes to the Washington Red- 
skins and the New York Giants, who 
couldn't get their acts together. 

Ryan says the Eagles are only eight 
players and a year's experience from be- 
ing able to play with the big boys. Never 
believe Ryan's public expectations for his 
team. He won't be satisfied with anything 
less than a Super Bowl win. 

Cunningham is talented enough to 
lead the Eagles anywhere except into a 
Soldier Field fog bowl with the Chicago. 
Bcars, as happencd last scason in the Ea- 
gles’ first and only play-off game since 
1981. Mike Quick is completely recovered 
from the broken leg that sidelined him 
for eight games in the middle of last 
season. 

Ryan found a jewel at linebacker when 
the Bears left Al Harris unprotected un- 
der Plan В. The acquisition of Harris 


TONY THE TERMINATOR 


Tony Mandarich May Become the Best Pro Lineman Ever 


Tony Mandarich is по 
ordinary man-mourtain. 
He is a mourtain range— 
Rocky thighs, Himalayan 
shoulders, tectonic plates 
of muscle so tight his pecs 
twitch when he clenches 
his fists. The 6'6", 315- 
pound Mandarich is vol- 
canically strong. At an 
audition for N.EL. scouts, 
he bench-pressed 225 
pounds 39 times. He can 
dead-lift 780 pounds. In 
the course of a "psycho 
workout" he may hoist 
half a million pounds. And 
he may be the fastest 
man his size on earth. 
Mandarich is a preview 
of the N.EL's future— 
when every player will 
be Schwarzenegger strong. 
and scatback fast. Offen- 
sive tackle as Terminator. 

"I'm the new breed," he 
says, dwarfing the dining- 
room table in his Whittier, 
California, condo 48 hours 
after the Green Bay Pack- 
ers made him the number- 
two pick in the 1989 N.EL. 
draft. “Most of the offensive linemen in the N.EL. are fat- 
asses, twenty or twenty-five percent body fat. I'm eleven 
point four.” 

He grins. Currently embroiled in a bargaining war with 
the Packers (he wants more millions than number-one pick 
‘Troy Aikman got from Dallas), Mandarich knows that ev- 
ery colorful quote increases his fame and enhances his 
leverage. Publicity—"good pub"—is Tony's ammo. He cul- 
tivates his image as the Hulkster of football. Asked to com- 
pare himself with Brian Bosworth, another self-promoter 
who made a lot of noise before playing a down in the 
N.EL., Tony sniffs. “The Boz,” he says. Subtext: Bosworth 
turned pro with Tony-style hoopla but is now known for 
two things—Right Guard ads and a Boz-bash collision with 
Bo Jackson. “1 don't like being compared to him. He's arro- 
gant; I'm outspoken. And I won't lay an egg when I get to 
the N.EL., like be did” 

More inflammatory quotes: 

"Bodybuilding is harder than football." 

“Green Bay should not be called acity A village, maybe." 

“The N.C.A.A.? Amateurs. They dont know what 
they're doing.” 

“I don't use steroids. I worked my ass off in the gym to 
get big, and my family are big people. My brother plays for 
the Edmonton Eskimos. My mom is big. She used to body- 
slam me when I was thirteen, and 1 was over two hundred 
pounds then. But I’m not saying I wouldn't use steroids. І 
might. ГЇЇ do whatever it takes to be the best.” 

“Yeah, I want more money than Troy Aikman. [N.EL. in- 
siders] said that if Dallas didn't need a quarterback, they 


would have picked me, So 
1 should be paid more. 1f 1 
don’t sign, 1 wort cry. Pll 
sit out a year, work my ass 
off in the gym and get big- 
ger, stronger and faster. 1 
might fight Mike Tyson. 
Think of the pub that 
would be." 

"Sex is better for some- 
one my size. I am better 
than most people because 
I'm ап athlete.” 

Most of these lines are 
delivered with the moun- 
tainous Mandarich grin. 
He hopes his fans under- 
stand that a lot of the noise 
he makes is harmless hype. 
He is still troubled by a 
recent national-magazine 
cover story, which he 
thinks misinterpreted 
him; he thinks he came off 
as a foulmouthed eating 
machine crazed on ego 
and heavy-metal music, 
pumping iron around the 
clock to the buzz-saw beat 
of his favorite band, Guns 
nt Roses. He does work out 
to the G&R anthems Wel- 
come to the Jungle and They're Ош ta Get Me, but a guy's got 
10 listen to something loud while pumping iron, Tony says. 
"I mean, Sinatra’s OK, but he's not the most rebellious guy.” 

Ina contemplative moment, he explains himself—just a 
normal giant trying to stir up alittle pub. He is not dumb, 
he says, pointing out that his “fatass” quote was aimed at 
the N.EL.s offensive linemen, with whom he will never 
butt helmets. “If I'd said defensive ends were fat, then I'd 
worry,” he says. He cites his media-star role model, Hulk 
Hogan, as an example of what hype is all about. “I've met. 
the Hulkster," says Mandarich. "Hes very low-key, even 
humble. But оп TV, he yells, т the greatest! and “Hulka- 
mania!" and all that. That's his thing. It’s a show, and the 
show sells tickets. My show is Guns n' Roses. My show is be- 
ing the madman, the big eater, the psycho. If I ate as much 
as people think I eat, I'd weigh five hundred pounds.” 

Man-mountain Mandarich sips a Diet Coke. “The public 
wants the crazy guy, the psycho,” he says. “But I have a 
mellow side. I'm human. The weight room and the run- 
ning and the lifting and the football take so much out of 
you—when I get home, I just relax and listen to my stereo. 
1 guess this could ruin people's image of me—they'll think, 
Wow, is he mellow . . ." 

He shrugs. Whether he signs this year or sits out a year, 
Tony Mandarich will be rich soon. The moment he strikes 
N.EL. gold, he will replace his old stereo with a truly right- 
eous sound system, which he will install in the house he 
plans to build in Whittier. --КЕУІМ COOK 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK HANAUER 


67 


PLAYBOY 


allows Ryan to shift another former Bear, 
‘Todd Bell, to strong safety. 

Keys to winning: Assuming the Eagles 
have signed defensive end Reggie White, 
the N.EL.’s leading pass rusher (18 sacks), 
by the beginning of the season, Ryan's 
biggest problem will be improving the 
play of the Eagles’ cornerbacks. A year 
of experience should help Eric Allen, 
who got burned too often in his rookie 
season. 

The Washington Redskins are second 
only to San Francisco in winning per- 
centage (.687) since 1981, when Joe Gibbs 
took over as coach. But they weren't 
immune from Super Bowl-champs dis- 
ease last season, when they slumped to 
7-9 and failed to make the play-offs. “It 
was no fun,” understated Gibbs, who 
pointed to injuries, turnovers (their take- 
away-giveaway ratio was the worst in the 
league) and an inconsistent running 
game. 

The Redskins obtained running back 
Gerald Riggs from Atlanta, which scared 
Eagles coach Ryan into ungraciously 
quipping, "He's almost as old as I am." 
Actually, Riggs is only 98 but probably 
does have most of his yards gained be- 
hind him. 

Doug Williams and Mark Rypien will 
battle for the starting-quarterback job. 
Look for Jamie Morris, a welcome sur- 
prise at running back, to get more play- 
ing time. 

Keys to winning: With Dave Butz's re- 
tirement, the Redskins have a huge hole 
to fill on defense. Charles Mann must 
bounce back from a subpar year. Gibbs 
should go with the younger Rypien 
at quarterback over the oftinjured 
Williams. 

Did the New York Giants play over 
their heads three years ago when they 
dominated the opposition en route to the 
Super Bowl? Or were they a great team 
that gota little too old, a little too compla- 
cent and lost the chemistry? 

After their Super Bowl—hangover sea- 
son in 1987, the Giants appeared to be on 
the rise again last year. But a closer look 
reveals a cream-puff schedule and only 
one vicüm (New Orleans) that finished 
the year with a winning record. 

And things don't appear to be improv- 
ing. Linebacker Lawrence Taylor, once 
the scourge of the league, now dominates 
only occasionally. Both linebacker Harry 
Carson and defensive end George Mar- 
tin have retired. And age and injury have 
slowed safeties Kenny Hill and Terry 
Kinard. 

On offense, quarterback Phil Simms is 
at the peak of his game. But the running 
attack relies too much оп 5'7", 195- 
pound Joe Morris. Tight end Mark 
Bavaro will try to return to his All 
Pro form after a disappointing season 
marred by a Jengthy contract holdout. 

The most courageous battle to be 


fought this year by any Giant is that of 
tackle Karl Nelson, fighting a recurrence 
of Hodgkin's disease. He'll miss the 
season. 

Keys to winning: The Giants need a 
super effort from the defense, particular- 
ly from Taylor and veteran linemen 
Leonard Marshall and Jim Burt. The 
beefy but inexperienced offensive line 
has 10 protect Simms and open some big 
holes for little Joe. And someone has to 
figure out where the magic went. 

If it weren't for the stars on their hel- 
mets, you'd have a hard time recognizing 
the Dallas Cowboys. Gone is the implaca- 
ble one in the porkpie hat, Tom Landry; 
gone is the most powerful pro football 
executive of the past 29 years, Tex 
Schramm; gone is Gil Brandt, the man 
who, as player personnel director, creat- 
ed the computer scouting methods that 
all other teams eventually copied. 

Gone also are Cowboys stalwarts 
Randy White, Doug Cosbie and, of 
course, as of last year, Tony Dorseu. Only 
a few fossils remain, the most notable 
being Ed “Too Tall” Joncs, returning for 
an unbelievable 15th season. 

The new Cowboys will be the creation 
of the fusion between owner Jerry Jones 
and coach Jimmy Johnson. But they'll 
benefit from last year’s poor finish, which 
netted the player Landry and Brandt 
had wished but dared not hope for: quar- 
terback Troy Aikman. Brandt put it sim- 
ply: "Aikmaris got the best arm to come 
out since John Elway's." 

The new Cowboys will also have the 
old Herschel Walker, and with a confer- 
ence-leading total of 1514 yards, that ain't 
bad. Last year's number-one pick, wide 
receiver Michael Irvin, will benefit from 
ing Johnson, who coached him at 


Johnson faces an ideal situation, since 
the Cowboys are unlikely to do worse 
than their 3—13 mark of last season. In 
fact, the Cowboys, who lost five games 
last year by three points or fewer, weren't 
really quite as bad as their record. Give 
Johnson three years to build his own win- 
ning tradition. 

Keys to winning: While Aikman has 
been getting all the press, quarterback. 
Steve Pelluer will probably be the Cow- 
boys' starter. Hell need to get off to a 
good start to avoid the temptation to rush 
Aikman. The Cowboys must improve 
their take-away-giveaway ratio (—21) 
and cut down on penalties. 

If you're looking for a sure bet, put 
some dough on Phoenix Cardinals quar- 
terback Neil Lomax’ not making it 
through the 16-game schedule. Lomax, 
one of the best passers in pro football, is 
dogged by an arthritic hip and a bad 
knee. When he is healthy, the Cardinals 
are almost a contender. They were 7-4 
after 11 games last season, until Lomax 
went down and the bottom fell ош. 


Recognizing Lomax' vulnerability, the 
Cardinals picked up unprotected free 
agent Gary Hogeboom from Indianap- 
olis. Even if Hogeboom can fill in ade- 
quately for Lomax, Phoenix has some 
other problems. The combined age of its 
two outstanding wide receivers, Roy 
Green and |. Т. Smith, is 65. And at the 
end of last season, Earl Ferrell was the 
Cardinals’ only healthy, productive run- 
ning back. 

Оп defense, end Freddie Joe Nunn 
had 14 sacks, second among N.EL. line- 
men. But the linebacking corps is ques- 
tionable and there is little depth at the 
corners. 

Keys to winning: The Cardinals have 
to hope Lomax can limp through the en- 
tire schedule or that Hogeboom can fill 
in. Linebacker Eric Hill, taken as the 
tenth over-all pick, needs to step in as a 
starter, and Ricky Hunley must finally 
play up to his pro potential. 


CENTRAL DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE. 
Minnesota Vikings 


The Minnesota Vikings have a differ- 
ent kind of quarterback problem. For 
most teams, the О.В. quandary is who. 
For the Vikings, it's which one. Last sea- 
son, Wade Wilson started, was relieved 
by Tommy Kramer after a loss to Buffalo 
in the opener, only to regain the job after 
game seven. The problem with this kind 
of tag-team match is that your team 
starts to resemble Family Feud. 

The result for the Vikings was in- 
consistency, exhibited by their inability to 
concentrate on their weaker opponents. 
A loss to the Packers in week 15 cost Min- 
nesota the Central Division champi- 
onship. 

The Vikings have enough talent to 
take them all the way to the Super Bowl if 
coach Jerry Burns can solve the Q.B. 
problem. 

"The Vikings defensive front of Keith 
Millard, Henry Thomas and Chris Dole- 
man ranks with the best of any in the 
league. One nagging question is the 
status of defensive end Doug Martin, 
sidelined toward the end of last season 
with a knee injury. 

"The Vikings improved their lineback- 
ing corps by trading their number-one 
draft pick next year to Pittsburgh for 
Mike Merriweather, a talented but un- 
happy Steeler who sat out last season in 
a contract dispute. Another Minnesota 
strength is their wide receivers, led by 
Anthony Carter. 

Keys to winning: The Vikings need 
the healthy return of Martin and 
linebacker Jesse Solomon. Burns must 


"All right, switch to Plan B—rob from the poor and make ourselves rich.” 


PLAYBOY 


70 


solve the quarterback question decisively 
and early. The Central Division is a toss- 
up between the Vikings and the Bears, 
with the winner likely to be the team that 
fares best against the weaker divisional 
rivals. 

Last season, Chicago Bears coach Mike 
Ditka crossed the line from man to living 
legend. He coached the Bears to their 
fifth consecutive Central Division title 
after they lost Walter Payton, Wilbur 
Marshall and Willie Gault, and after in- 
juries sidelined key players such as Jimbo 
Covert and Richard Dent. Of course, this 
is no mere mortal; this is Iron Mike, a 
guy who takes only a week off in the mid- 
dle of the season for a heart attack, never 
losing his competitive edge or sense of 
humor. 

Ditka has surrounded himself with 
players who mirror his rather aggressive 
view of life. Linebacker Mike Singletary, 
after six Pro Bowls, hasn't lost the drive 
that saw him break three helmets during 
his career at Baylor. Dan Hampton and 
Steve McMichael, Chicago's veteran de- 
fensive linemen, still toss around motor- 
cycle-gang members and offensive 
linemen when the mood hits them. 

But as Ditka well knows, yesterday's 
victories aren't worth two tickets to Tom 
Landry's farewell dinner. And for all the 
Bears’ ferocity, they've faltered three 
times short of their goal since Super 
Bowl XX. “They don’t give accolades to 
runners-up,” sayeth Ditka. 

The Bears shunned the free-agent 
market and managed to lose linebackers 
Al Harris and Otis Wilson and corner- 
back Mike Richardson. However, three 
number-one draft choices will help dull 
the pain. The Bears picked up Donnell 
Woolford, who should make everyone 
forget Richardson, and Trace Arm- 
strong, Hampton's likely successor. 

As Singletary says, “The Bears can't 
survive without conflict.” The conflict of 
the moment is who will play quarter- 
back—Jim McMahon or Mike Tomczak. 
McMahon's propensity for injury has 
nullified his great leadership qualities; 
Tomczak is less spectacular but more 
dependable. 

Keys to winning: McMahon's re-emer- 
gence as star quarterback and team lead- 
er could help the Bears go all the way A 
more likely scenario has Tomezak leading 
a Bears team that will win plenty of 
games, mostly with an intimidating de- 
fense, but fail to surpass the team that 
lost to Montana and the 49ers in the 
N.EC. title game. 

Becoming a competitive football team 
has proved a matter of step by tiny step 
for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The proc- 
ess of watching a young team mature 
can be a painful one. Vinny Testaverde, 
heralded as the savior of the franchise, 
managed one N.EL. record last season: 
passes completed to the opposition (35). 


But Testaverde 15 a great talent and will 
finally sort out which jerseys belong to 
which team. 

The Bucs’ defense improved dramati- 
cally against the rush (second in the 
N.EL.), only to finish 26th against the 
pass. Young players make mistakes, and 
“Tampa Bay had 17 rookies on last season's 
roster. 

The Bucs need some sort of pass rush 
from their linebackers. Winston Moss, 
whose strength is supposed to be his 
quickness, did not record a single sack 
last season. Look for something different 
from this year's number-one draft pick, 
Broderick Thomas. 

"The wide-receiver duo of Bruce Hill 
and Mark Carrier combined for more 
than 2000 yards, but the Bucs still need а 
deep threat. Second-round pick Danny 
Peebles may fill the need. 

Keys to winning: Testaverde has to 
come of age. Running back James Wilder 
needs to return to form after missing 
nine games last season with a knee in- 
jury The pass rush must come from 
“Thomas or elsewhere. Coach Ray Perkins 
and the patient Bucs fans may finally 
see the Bucs begin to turn the corner 
this season. 

One comforting thought for Detroit 
Lions fans and new coach Wayne Fontes 
is that the Lions probably can'tsink much 
lower. Last season, they were the worst 
offensive team in football, beating only 
the likes of Atlanta, Kansas City and 
Green Bay (twice). The club languished 
under the uninspired coaching of Darryl 
Rogers, who was asked to leave at the 2-9 
point, the ineffective quarterbacking of 
Chuck Long and a team attitude that 
was, at best, quiescent. 

But Fontes, who got rid of the “inter- 
im” moniker during the off season, has 
hired a colorful coaching staff (Woody 
Widenhofer from Missouri, Frank Gansz 
from the Chiefs and offensive specialist 
Mouse Davis) and promises to field a 
more entertaining, if not better, team. 

To start things off, Fontes and the Li- 
ons took Heisman Trophy winner Barry 
Sanders with the third pick in the first 
round of the draft. Sanders has the 
speed, balance and intelligence that 
should make him one of the game's true 
stars. 

In the sixth round, the Lions picked 
up a steal in quarterback Rodney Peete, 
downgraded by most N.EL. teams be- 
cause of a weak showing in the N.FL. 
combined workout. Peete could fit nicely 
into Detroit's new "Silver Stretch," Mouse 
Davis version of the run and shoot, 
which calls for a mobile quarterback to 
throw short. 

Finally, the Lions picked up some team. 
speed in free agents Mel Gray and Bobby 
Joe Edmonds. 

Keys to winning: Detroit is still missing 
several key ingredients on offense and 


defense, but players such as Sanders and 
last season's rookie sensations linebacker 
Chris Spielman and free safety Bennie 
Blades should enable the Lions to pull 
a few upsets. 

For the Green Bay Packers, the Plan B. 
free-agency system was like the blue-light 
special at K mart. The Pack, lacking tal- 
ent on both sides of the line of scrim- 
mage, signed 20 free agents, the most of 
any team in the NEL. Executive vice- 
president Tom Braztz explained, “Some 
teams were cost-cutters. Others already 
had good football teams.” Neither was 
the case for Braatz and the Packers, who 
spent $850,000 on bonuses and commit- 
ted $5,400,000 on free-agent contracts. 

Unfortunately for coach Linday In- 
fante, the man they used to call an “of- 
fensive genius” when he was the offensive 
coordinator for the Cleveland Browns, 
none of the free agents was a quarter- 
back, and the only Q.B. the Packers 
picked up in the draft, Anthony Dilweg, 
is projected as а punter, not a passer. 
Which leaves Infante with quarterbacks 
Don Majkowski and Randy Wright, nei- 
ther of whom significantly distinguished 
himself last season. 

Infante's problems don't stop there. 
Brent Fullwood, Green Bay's number- 
one pick a year ago, gained only 483 
yards оп 101 attempts. Not exactly а 
steam-roller ground attack. The Packers 
have little to commend them on defense 
other than linebacker Tim Harris, a 
household name if he were with any oth- 
er franchise. 

Of course, the Packers did get Michi- 
gan State offensive tackle Tony Man- 
darich (see story on page 67) 
Mandarich, already with a Sports Шш- 
trated cover to his credit, will be either 
the prototype lineman of the Nineties or 
the biggest bust since Rob Lowe's singing 
career. 

Keys to winning: Infante must find а 
quarterback around whom to build his 
offense. The Packers will be looking to 
next year's draft for the solution. The 
only other hope for the Pack this year 
1s to schedule more games with the 
Vikings, who, for some reason, play patsy 
for Green Bay (2-0 over the Vikings last 
season). 


WESTERN DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE. 


San Francisco 49ers . 
Los Angeles Rams 
New Orleans Saints . 
Atlanta Falcons . . 


A cardinal rule of pro football pre- 
diction is never pick a Super Bowl cham- 
pion to repeat. The Pittsburgh Steelers 
were the last team to turn the trick, in 
1979 and 1980. Besides Pittsburgh, only 
the Washington Redskins have been back 

(continued on page 78) 


BACK ТО 


AM? I 


a coast-to-coast fashion report card 
fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


GETTING нюн MARKS for a collegiate wardrobe seems to have as 
much to do with where you go to school as it does with what you 
wear once you get there, This fall, a fashion war between the 
states is raging on college campuses. But never fear, Joe College, 


we've done your homework for you. We have the region-by-region 


fashion skinny from schools across the country to determine just 
what the hottest looks on campus 
will be. Ready? Sharpen your 
number-two pencils. Urbane style 
lias retu ued Lo Ше urban schools 
of the East. Colors are darker, 
PE" ت‎ - with splashes of mustard and 


white. Chilly weather dictates turtleneck sweaters, oversized blazers and 
black biker-style leather jackets. Retro prints and antique clothing are the 
rage, with the peace symbol making a comeback. Cowboy boots and thick- 
soled oxfords prevail as pick hits to hit the bricks. On Midwestern cam- 
puses, the tone isa rugged country look. Heavy outerwear is a fact of life at 
these schools. Anything longer than waist length is the choice of the stu- 
dent body in the flatlands. A big colorful sweater and a pair of indigo jeans 
and you're ready to face the coldest weather this fall. Last but not least, 
the backpack is back, this time in leather or leather trim. The Sun Belt campuses on the 
West Coast may be having all the fun. Shorts can be worn even on cool days, and the athletic look is the 
way to go. The length of your shorts is important. They should 
be walk-short or volley length, worn with an untucked camp 
shirt. We score points for color, remember; light pastel sun 
shades—coral, pink and blue—are the best. Speaking of shades, 
sunglasses are an essential piece of the Western wardrobe. Mir- 
rored Oakleys are the hottest, in bright, interchangeable colors, 
with clip-ons a close runner-up. Add a faded blue-jean jacket, 
lace up the high-top sneakers and prepare to go out and score 


high fashion grades this season. Wear one for the old alma mater. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DEWEY NICKS 


ul 


Left: Oversized 
houndstooth wool 
jacket, by Tom Tailor, 
$230; wool-blend 
knit mock-turtleneck 
sweater, by French 
Connection 
Menswear, $70; cot- 
ton twill trousers, 
by JJ Cochran, $28; 
and lizard-em- 
bossed leather belt, 
by Billy Belts, $31. 
She's wearing his 
leather-sleeved 
Melton varsity 
jacket, from 

Guess? by Georges 
Marciano for Men, 
$295. Right, clock- 
wise from top left: 
Zippered leather 
jacket, by U2 Wear 
Me Out, $400; cot- 
ton shiri, by Tom 
Tailor, $59. Denim 
jeans, by Calvin 
Klein Sport for Men, 
$46; cowhide shoe 
boot with gored 
inserts, needle toe 
and cowboy heel, 
by Code West, 
$100. Soviet-style 
watch, by Gruen, 
$100. Leather mes- 
senger bag with 
shoulder strap, by 
Sevestei, from Vil- 
lage Tannery, $150. 


Left: Quilt-lined 
wool coat with 
suede appliqués, 
by Poco Loco, $400; 
cotton work shirt, 
by Nautica, $47; 
‘and cotton turtle- 
neck, by JJ 
Cochran, $17 Right, 
clockwise from top 
left: Chukka boot, 
by Timberland, 
about $157; cotton 
boot socks, by 
Daveo, $8; diving 
watch, from Guess? 
by Georges Mar- 
ciano Watches, $55. 
Canvas backpack, 
from British Khaki 
by Robert Lighton, 
$145; wool-blend 
cardigan, by French 
Connection 
Menswear, $95; 
oversized turtleneck, 
by PA. Company 
Boston, $25. 
Leather belt, by 
Billy Belts, $34; 
trousers, by Axis, 
$96. Suede vest, by 
Reunion, $95; shirt, 
by Boston Traders, 
$54.50; mock tur- 
tleneck, by PA. 
Company Boston, 
$25; sunglasses, by 
Ray-Ban/Bausch & 
Lomb, $60. 


Left: Button-front 
washed-out denim 
jacket, by Levi 
Strauss & Co., $50; 
cotton double- 
pleated walk shorts, 
by Edgewear, $41; 
short-sleeved but- 
tondown cotton 
sport shirt with 
skate-board print, 
by Jimmy'Z, $36; 
and high-crew-neck 
cotton T-shirt, by 
PA. Company 
Boston, $18. Right, 
clockwise from top 
left: Razor Blades 
sunglasses, by Oak- 
ley, $100. Tortoise- 
shell sunglasses 


with tinted clip-on 


lenses, by Incognito, 
$32. Air Flight high- 
top leather sneak- 
ers, by Nike, $110; 
marled-cotton 
slouch socks, by 

E. б. Smith, $13.50. 
Cotton volley shorts 
with elastic waist- 
band, by Gotcha 
Sportswear, $37; 
nylon zippered 
fanny pack, by 
Edgewear, $14; cot- 
ton short-sleeved 
mock-turtleneck 
shirt, by Vuamet- 
France, $30. 


PLAYEOY 


78 


PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST nae 70) 


“In the past five years, no Super Boul champ has 
won even a play-off game the following year" 


to the Super Bowl following a win—in 
1983, when they lost to the Raiders 38-9. 
In the past five years, no Super Bowl 
champ has won even a рїау-о game the 
following year; the last two teams, the 
New York Giants and the Washington 
Redskins, didn’t even make the play-offs. 

And vet, consider the San Francisco 
49ers. They have the best big-game quar- 
terback maybe ever in Joe Montana. 
Their number-two quarterback, Steve 
Young, is good enough to be most teams’ 
number one. Then theres Jerry Rice, the 
wide receiver without peer. And Roger 
Craig, Ronnie Lott, Michael Carter, allas 
good as or better than anyone else in the 
league at their positions. 

But while the talent on the field will all 
return, the brain on the sideline has 
moved upstairs. Bill Walsh, the sclf-cffac- 
ing coaching genius, resigned four days 
after his third Super Bowl win of the 
decade, ensuring that he wouldn't suffer 
the fate of legends such as Tom Landry 
and Chuck Noll, who lingered too long. 
The unenviable job of replacing Walsh 
falls to former 49er defensive coordina- 
tor George Seifert. 

Keys to winning: The 49ers have all 
the keys except, perhaps, the magic one, 
the luck to do it twice in a row. If 
Montana and Rice stay healthy, if Seifert 
can avoid looking over his shoulder, if the 
49ers can replace tight end John Frank 
and center Randy Cross, who have both 
retired, maybe lightning can strike twice. 
But don't count on it. 

The Los Angeles Rams remain a bit of 
an enigma: great talent, good coaching, 
little success in post-season play. In fact, 
they haven't made it to the Super Bowl 
since Terry Bradshaw and the Steelers 
cleaned their clock in Super Bowl XIV. 

Several years ago, they switched strate- 
gy, abandoning the one-dimensional of- 
tense that featured Eric Dickerson for a 
more varied attack, with quarterback Jim 
Everett and speed receivers Henry El- 
lard, Ron Brown and last year's first draft 
choice Aaron Cox. The gamble appears 
to be paying off. The Rams had the 
third-best passing offense in the N.EL. 
measured by yards gained. 

Running back Charles White, sus- 
pended for part of the season for sub- 
stance abuse, has retired. Greg Bell, who 
stepped in to gain 1212 yards last year, 
had the starting job won anyway. The 
Rams are hoping for a better showing 
from second-year backs Robert Delpino 
and Gaston Green. 

On defense, the Rams are a bit suspect. 


The line will rely on free agents Shawn 
Miller and Alvin Wright, plus defensive 
end Doug Reed. The linebacking is just 
adequate. The Rams have two excellent 
corners in Jerry Gray and LeRoy Irvin. 

Keys to winning: The Rams, with five 
picks in the first two rounds of this year's 
draft, went heavily for defense. They 
have to hope that at least two of the play- 
ers, particularly defensive end Bill Haw- 
kins, break into the starting line-up. The 
Rams are well on their way to building a 
team that will contend in the Nineties. 
This year may be a struggle, however, as 
the Rams play 11 opponents who had 
500 or better records last season. 

The New Orleans Saints had them 
dancing in the streets through week 12 of 
last season as they sported a two-game 
lead in the N.EC. West. However, a 45-3 
drubbing by the Vikings two wecks later 
revealed their weaknesses, and by sea- 
son's end, the Saints had gone marchin 
out of even a play-off spot. 

The cold reality of that late collapse is 
certain to haunt coach Jim Mora and 
general manager Jim Finks as they ready 
their team to take on the improving com- 
petition in the West. The Saints banked 
last year on running back Craig “Iron- 
head” Heyward, picked in the first 
round, and wide receiver Brett Perri- 
man, taken in the second. Heyward 
missed four games because of a knee in- 
jury and didr't play very well when he 
was healthy. Perriman didn't contribute 
much either. 

Quarterback Bobby Hebert has a lot of 
spunk but few downfield receivers to 
throw to. The running-back tandem of 
Dalton Hilliard and Reuben Mayes 
would be helped by a good year from 
Heyward. 

The Saints’ biggest headache is on the 
defensive line. All but three of their de- 
fensive linemen were unprotected under 
Plan B and no one even extended an 
offer to any of them. Linebackers Pat 
Swilling and Vaughan Johnson are un- 
derrated. Both have speed and the abili- 
ty to rush the passer. 

Keys to winning: Because thcy were so 
desperate for a defensive lineman, the 
Saints may have reached a bit when they 
selected Wayne Martin from Arkansas 
on the 19th pick of the first round. Mar- 
tin must crack the starting line-up and 
several other defensive players will need 
to turn in сагеет seasons to keep the mu- 
sic playing along Bourbon Street. 

The Atlanta Falcons are in transition, 
the good kind, as in from lousy to com- 


petitive. After kicking around the base- 
ment of the N.EC. West for several years, 
they've put a couple of good drafts to- 
gether, picked up free-agent running 
back John Settle, who did so well (1024 
yards rushing) that the Falcons traded 
three-time Pro Bowler Gerald Riggs to 
the Redskins and generally served no- 
tice to the league that a trip to Atlanta 
isn'ta guaranteed W in the win column. 

Player personnel director Ken Herock 
deserves much of the credit. Eleven of 
the 12 players from last season's draft 
made the team, including starting out- 
side linebackers Aundray Bruce and 
Marcus Cotton, wide receiver Michael 
Haynes and tight end Alex Higdon 

This year, Herock picked Deion 
"Prime Time" Sanders with the fifth pick 
in the first round. If the Falcons can sign 
Sanders, who threatens to become better 
known as the Mouth of the South, and 
get some of that gold off his neck, they'll 
have one of the best cornerbacks in foot- 
ball. 

The Falcons remain very high on 
young quarterback Chris Miller, refer- 
ring to him as a 28-year-old Joe Montana. 
Front-office hyperbole, sure, but Miller 
did manage 2133 yards passing, despite 
missing four games with an injury. Miller 
and Settle are helped by the presence of 
Pro Bowlers Bill Fralic and Mike Kenn in 
the offensive line. 

Keys to winning: Franchises aren't 
turned around in one or two years, but 
they can be in three to five, given good 
drafting and consistent coaching. The 
Falcons are promising at a lot of spots but 
lack depth and thus are vulnerable to in- 
jury everywhere. Miller must live up to 
his press notices and the young players 
must continue to improve. 


EASTERN DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 
Buffalo Bill 


Indianapolis Colts . . . 
New England Patriots - 
Miami Dolphins . 

New York Jets. .. . 


The Buffalo Bills are ready to make a 
run at the Super Bowl. And they'll get 
there, not on the arm of quarterback Jim 
Kelly but on the hard-nosed play of some 
defensive-line veterans and the best 
group of linebackers in the N.EL. 

Move over Mike Singletary and 
Lawrence Taylor, because the toughest 
(and thc fastest) kid on thc lincbacking 
block is Cornelius Bennett. And Shane 
Conlan isn't far behind. They'll be back- 
ing up Art Still, Fred Smerlas and Bruce 
Smith, who all add up to a dominating 
defense. In fact, the Bills should do even 
better than the A.EC. low 237 points they 
allowed opponents in 1988. 

Of course, you have to score points, 

(continued on page 138) 


"Well, Miss Whitney—I don’t see any reason why you can't write your 
masters thesis on how you spent your summer vacation." 


ILLUSTRATION BY ERNE BARNES 


THE NIGERIAN 
VAS SELLING, WEL, 


PARTICULARLY RISKY FUTURES 


WHEN AsURFEIT of pleasure dulls an 
already mediocre mind, a man 
commonly begins to fancy himself 
a philosopher, always ready to ex- 
pound his view of the world to a 
captive audience. Thus it was that 
Alfred Toomey ІП said one 
evening to the Nigerian with 
whom he playing five-card 
draw, "Anything can be bought for 
moncy, my friend." 

He was, at that moment, raking 
in nearly $20,000 worth of chips. 
“The reason our friends"—he was 
referring to three men who had 
just pulled out of the game, having 
lost more than $50,000 apiece 
since the five had begun playing 
six hours earlier—"the reason our 
friends had to leave wasnt that 
they weren't skilled card players. 
They were actually very good, 
don't you think?” 

He didn’t wait for the Nigerian 
to answer. “But they simply weren't 
rich (continued on page 88) 


| 


By WALTER LOWE, J 


BODY BY 


|| 


if this is not perfect, what 


ON THEUNUSUAL DAY she devotes to relaxing, she drives her black-cherry Corvette to the 
beach at Marina del Rey, California, strips down to a microbikini and shows off the 
shape that made her famous. "This is not the perfect body," says KC Winkler, contra- 
dicting the evidence. "It ought to be, with all the working out I do, but it's not perfect 
yet" Her nearly perfect shape, golden hair and aqua eyes have dazzled viewers of 
"TV's Dallas, Growing Pains, Threes Company, Riptide and Crazy Like a Fox, but KC 
first achieved name recognition as co-hostess of the game show High Rollers. She par- 
layed that dicey gig into more guest shots and movie credits, including Night Shift, 
Armed and Dangerous and the upcoming comedy Say Bye-Bye. And she just finished 
her first season as the paragon of the syndicated workout series Body by Jake—KC is 
the tanned beauty who performs fitness guru Jake Steinfeld's exercises while Jake 
jokes around with the camera. "He's very funny” KC says, "but you know something? 
I'm опе of the few people who have never seen Jake work out. I'm the one looking at. 
the floor while he gives instructions" Her on-camera regimen, backbreaking as it. 
seems to Jake's viewers, is a warm-up compared with the daily grind she performs to 
keep her condition in the condition it's in. In the mirrored workroom of her palatial 
Marina del Rev town house, she catches up on her reading while spending hours on 
her exercise bike. She does lunges, calf work, trunk twists, fluuers and crunches, and 
works out on an evil-looking contraption called a Paramount Fitness Trainer. Pinned 
to the wall of her workroom is a poster—KC in a hot-pink bikini that would show а 
gram of fat if one dared accumulate. “My motivation," she calls the poster. Worried. 


KC Winkler, the fitness booms poster girl, wears о 
lectard on the cover of Figure mogozine (upper left). 
She first become famous os Crystal Owens’ co-hostess 
оп the game show High Rollers (left) and wowed High 
Rollers fans with o sizzling poster (right). Next is о 
role in the film Soy Bye-Bye (upper right), in which her 
chorocter, she says, "is fully clothed.” Readers who ore 
distressed by thot news need cnly turn the page. 


сатегав would detect any imperfection, she stepped up her work- 
outs in Мау. She needn't have fretted. Now that her career is picking up speed. she 
plans to be selective about the parts she accepts. "You get a little tired of playing bimbo 
roles—ditzy blondes,” she says. “I hope I can help show that there are good- 
looking women who can also walk and talk and think." Too late. She already has. 


KC began sculpting this wark of art in aerobics classes at The Sports Connection (her lower half 
appears in the clubs ads). She now pumps iron at the ultrachic Sports Club/LA ond in her mir- 
rared gym at hame. Her regimen is designed ta tane the feminine physique, not inflate it. “I 
don't want ta look macho," she explains, as though the ward macho might occur ta оп anlaaker. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


There are sexuel benefits and sexual drawbacks to being in near-perfect shape. “Sometimes all 
the working out makes you tao tired“ KC says. “But when you're not, you feel better about 
your body and you have mare endurance." The benefits, she says, are well worth the trauble. 


erm —À re OS 


Pr ne 


PLAYBOY 


OUNCE OF LUCK inom ae so 


“You see, Alfred told the Nigerian, ‘even luck can be 


bought with enough money. 


enough to take the chances that you and I 
can take. There is a price beyond which 
no man is willing to gamble. Am I right?” 

The Nigerian smiled. nodded and 
pointed to the dealer for the cut. Five 
cards to each man. The Nigerian picked 
up his cards, arranged them in his hand, 
then stacked them face down on the felt. 
Alfred didn't even bother to look at his. 

“So you see,” he continued, "even luck 
can be bought with enough money. Any- 
опе who saw me win the past five hands 
at this table would say I was lucky, but I 
wasn't lucky. I simply outbid everybody 
for the pot. Except you, of course. You 
had the good sense to fold." 

The Nigerian was swathed in a striped 
tribal robe and wore a round flat white 
hat. He had tribal scars on his cheeks that. 
Alfred found both disgusting and, in an 
odd way stimulating. The black man was 
also missing the last third of the little 
finger on his left hand, which, Alfred 
had noticed, he raised above the surface 
of the table only when he had decent 
cards. His smile was benign, utterly po- 
lite, revealing nothing to Alfred except, 
possibly, a high level of craftiness. But 
then, people see what they want to see. 

“To fold when you have little chance of 
winning is merely good judgment, my 
friend,” said the Nigerian quietly “And 
that as well as love and luck are the three 
things that are priceless." 

“Well, I might agree with you about 
good judgment and love,” said Alfred, 
finally picking up his cards to find a pair 
of deuces, a pair of tens and a seven, “but 
luck, no. Luck can definitely be bought. 1 
just bought luck at this table, don't you 
sce? Five thousand to you.” He pushed 
five $1000 chips into the center of the 
table, sat back and lighted a cigar. 

The Nigerian smiled. still quite polite- 
ly but with what Alfred interpreted as a 
hint of insolence around the corners of 
his mouth, and said, “I beg to disagree, 
my friend. You didn’t buy luck. You mere- 
ly bought power. They aren't the same 
thing at all. Haven't vou ever heard the 
saying that an ounce of luck is worth 
more than a pound of gold? A man with 
much wealth may find his money to be a 
blessing or a curse. But the man with luck 
or, as the Moslems would say, kismet in 
his favor is blessed, indeed. I see vou and 
raise you five thousand." Taken aback 
somewhat by the Nigerian's eagerness to 
increase the pot, Alfred pushed in an- 
other $5000 and kept a close eye on the 
Nigerian's left hand, which, he suspect- 
ed, would rise from the table as the 


ээ» 


Nigerian discarded. But his opponent 
dropped four cards from his right hand, 
laid the remaining one face down on the 
felt and waited for Alfred to discard. 

“Give me one,” said Alfred. Then. 
looking at the Nigerian witha raised eye- 
brow, he asked, “Are you sure you don't 
want to take three instead? Tough odds,” 

“Please don't tell me how to play poker, 
sir,” the Nigerian answered curtly 

Alfred's eyes locked with the Nigeri- 
ап and for a moment, anger glinted be- 
tween them, but Alfred had gambled 
enough years to know better than to let 
emotions affect his game. He picked up 
his one card, a ten of clubs that gave him 
a full house, then stacked his hand in 
front of him and pushed 40 $1000 chips 
into the pot. 

“I kick forty,” he said softly. He decid- 
ed to clean out the Nigerian. He didn't 
like his attitude. The Nigerian would 
learn, the hard way, that luck could be 
bought. 

The Nigerian examined the four cards 
he'd been given, sighed and leaned back 
10 think. Ina moment, he shrugged, then 
pushed nearly half of his chips into the 
center of the table. However, he kept his 
hand on them, reserving his right to 
withdraw them. 

"Whars the matter, chief?" said Al- 
fred, laughing. “The pot too spicy for 
you?" 

The man's dark eyes flashed and his 
lips curled into a sneer as he leaned over 
the table. “In my country, we are used to 
spicy things,” he said, “and don't take the 
liberty of calling me chief. 1 am a prince. 
in my land, not achief.” 

“Well, hey,” said Alfred coolly, “I didnt 
mean anything, you know. Just an ex- 
pression. But what I want to know is, 
when are you going to take your hand off 
your chips so we can find out who has the 
better luck?" 

"OK, but first 1 ask you one thing. If I 
lose this hand, you will play me another 
for the pot, double or nothing. If you 
win, you take all my chips. If I win, you 
still have a couple of hundred thousand 
to play with. What do you зау?” 

Welle: av) 

е cards, face up. What do you say?" 
urged the African, still leaning over the 
table. 

"OK. Sure. That's next game. Just let's 
get on with this goddamn game, for 
Chrissakes,” said Alfred, beginning to 
find the man annoying. 

“Fine. I meet your forty and call.” said 
the African, finally relinquishing his 


chips and sitting back in his chair. 

Alfred spread his hand on the table. 
“Full house, tens over deuces,” he said 
smugly. 

The Nigerian shook his head and 
threw in his cards, uttering an expletive 
in a tonguc Alfred didn't recognize. 

“And now,” asked the dealer, “you want 
me to deal a five-card hand, face up?" 
Both men nodded in agreement. As the 
dealer shuffled the cards, Alfred noticed 
the African slip the fingers of his left 
hand into a little brown-leather pouch 
that he wore around his neck like a talis- 
man. He caught a glimpse of something 
sparkling in the man's dark fingers just 
before he popped whatever it was into 
his mouth. Was it an electronic device? 
Was it a suicide capsule to be bitten open 
if the African lost the hand? The Nigeri- 
ап» demeanor changed. Briskly rubbing 
his palms together, he appeared to antici- 
pate owning the pot. 

“You look like you're counting your 
chickens before they hatch,” said Alfred, 
“so 1 hope you wont be disappointed." 
The black man smiled 

The first two cards were aces, the club 
to the African and the spade to Alfred. 
Alfred's second card was the ace of 
hearts; the Nigerians, the king of clubs. 
Alfred's third card was the ace of dia- 
monds: the Nigerians, the queen of 
clubs. When all the cards had been dealt, 
Alfred had three aces, but the Nigerian 
showed a royal flush. 

“Holy shit, I don't believe it 
fred as the Nigerian retrieved the chips. 

“Would you care to play another 
hand?" asked the African, showing large 
white teeth. 

“Goddamned right I'd care to play an- 
other hand,” Alfred replied testily. 

"But, of course, you wont win,” the 
Nigerian said matter-of-factly. 

“Bullshit. Luck goes around and comes 
around, buddy,” answered Alfred. With 
that, he removed his suit jacket, loosened 
his tic and rolled up his sleeves. 

“Wearing fewer clothes has never im- 
proved a man's luck, as far as I know,” the 
Nigerian remarked dryly. 

“Deal,” Alfred commanded the dealer. 
“Five-card draw" 

Alfred lost the hand, a full house to 
four aces, and parted with $100,000. He 
also lost the following hand and the next, 
parting with $100,000 each time. A half 
hour later, it was all over. The Nigerian 
had taken nearly $500,000 worth of 
chips from him. 

“Damn!” exclaimed Alfred, slamming 
his fist on the table. as he lost the final 
hand, four fours to four fives. Then, 
pointing his finger at the African's face, 
he said, "Now, you wait right here, Prince 
whatever your name is, and ГЇЇ be right 
back with more chips. I want a chance to 
win my money back.” 

(continued on page 161) 


mike vin? 


“Relax, Senator, is only Mrs. Ortiz, our cleaning woman." 


rorion gracie 
is willing to fight to the death 


to prove he's the toughest man 
in the west 


THE TOUGHEST MAN in the United States holds no official titles 
and has had only one fight in years. He lives with his preg- 
nant wife and four children, three small sons and a baby 
daughter, in a modest ranch house on a tidy little street of 
similar homes in Torrance, California. He is 37, tall and skin- 
ny at 6727, 165 pounds, and he does not look very tough. He 
looks more like Tom Selleck than like Mr. T. He is dark and 
handsome like Selleck, with wavy black hair a trim mus- 
tache and a charming, self-deprecating smile. He spends 
more time in the kitchen than his wife does and wears a 
woman's apron. He has an idiosyncratic high-pitched laugh. 
He picks upa yellowed newspaper with an account of one of 
his father's fights, adjusts his bifocals and reads. “ ‘The most 
savage, stupid bloody desires of the audience were 
satisfied,’” he says. Then he laughs. “Heh-heh!” 

Rorion Gracie, a native of Brazil, isa family man in an Old 
World sort of way. His wife, Suzanne, with pale skin and 
straight brown hair, moves through her day silently and 
without expression. Rorion, who is eager for lunch, snaps at 
herand his visiting daughter, Rose, 18, from a previous mar- 
riage. They move quickly and silently to his command. His 
young sons, ages seven, five and three, meanvhile, are toss- 
ing ping-pong balls onto the table. His baby girl, one, watch- 
es. He asks them, please, to stop. Rorion dotes on his sons the 
way his father doted on his sons. Itis the way of fathers from 
macho countries in South America and the Mediterranean, 


where sons are treated like little princes. 


“I never spank my sons,” Rorion says, “because my father 
never spanked me.” He spends as much time as possible with 
his sons. He drives them to their soccer practice in his sta- 
tion wagon. He spends the day with them at the beach. 

Rorion once fought a kick-boxing champion and made 
him beg for mercy in less than three minutes. Before the 
fight, the kick boxer had stood in his corner of the ring and 
flexed his muscular arms. He cut the air with savage kicks. 
The crowd oohed and aahed. Rorion, skinny and stoop- 
shouldered, stood in his corner and waited. Two minutes 
and 15 seconds after the bell sounded, he was straddling the 
kick boxer on the mat in such a way that, if the kick boxer 
had not surrendered, Rorion would have "choked him out." 

Rorion has made a standing offer to fight anyone in the 
United States, winner take all, for $100,000. So far, he has 
had no takers—for one simple reason. Rorion's fights are 
fights to the finish with no rules. His fights are merely street 
brawls in а ring bounded by ropes. Kicking, punching, head 
butting, elbow and knee hits are all fair play in a Gracie 
fight. Only the accouterments of a street brawl— broken bot- 
tles, ash cans, bricks—are missing. The only purpose a ref- 
eree serves in а Gracie fight is to acknowledge his opponent's 
surrender when he taps the mat with his hand or passes out 
from a choke hold. 

Rorion (pronounced Horion, in the Portuguese way) is а 
master of a kind of no-holds-barred jujitsu practiced by his 
family in Brazil for 60 years. Gracie jujitsu is a bouillabaisse 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN OLEARY 


AMAZING GRACIES: 
For half о century, 
Brozils jujitsu brawlers 
have mode heodlioes 
with their fight-o-the- 
death challenges. In 
1933, the 140-pound 
Oswaldo choked o 360- 
pound adversary imo 
submission in two min- 
wies; brother Helio 
went an to challenge 
Joe Louis ond Ezzord 
Charles to bouts. (Louis 
‘manager issued a polito 
letter of dedine.) Helio 
further enhaxed the 
familys folk-hero status 
when, after breaking 
the arms and ribs of a 
cific of the family, he 
vos pordoned by the 
President, а Groce fon, 
‘ond left the detention 
house in triumph. 
Given the Gracie 
style—just about any- 
thing gocs—finding а 
willing opponent was 
always o mejor chol- 
lenge; even the worlds 
number-two jujitsu 
master, Kato, got his 
gi straight, only to 
be fhrown for a loss 
(choked to unconstious- 
ress). Helios progeny 
seem destined to carry 
са ће kmilys serap- 
ping supremacy: Son 
Rorion donned his ki- 
mono at the age of 
‘one, then joined the 
fighting боп (that’s Ro- 
боп, stonding, right) 
with brothers Rickson 
ond Relson (seated, 
middle) ond other fom- 
йу roughneds whore 
mmes begin vih 
R. Rorior's sons, Ralek 
ond Ryron, only lock 
small; Rorion, when 
not teaching, looks pos- 
itively benign in бк. 


of the other martial arts: judo (throws), 
karate (kicks, punches), aikido (twists), 
boxing (punches) and wrestling (grap- 
pling, holds). Its primary purpose is 
defensive; i.e., to render attackers immo- 
bile. Rorion believes that since most real 
fights end up on the ground 90 percent 
of the time, Gracie jujitsu is the most dev- 
astating of all martial arts, because it re- 
lies on a series of intricate wrestlinglike 
moves that are most effective when the 
combatants are on the ground. All a jujit- 
su master must do is avoid his attacker's 
Kicks, punches and stabs until he can 
throw him to the ground and then apply 
either a choke hold to render him uncon- 
scious or a hold in which he can break his 
attacker's arm, leg, back or neck. A jujitsu 
fight is like a chess match, in that the win- 
ner is usually the one who can think the 
most moves ahead of his opponent. 

Jujitsu originated in India 2000 years 
ago, traveled to Japan (via China) three 
centuries ago and was introduced to 
Brazil through Rorion's family 60 years 
ago, when a touring Japanese master 
taught Rorion's uncle some basic moves. 
His uncle taught Rorion’s father and the 
two men grew enamored of it, asonly two 
small men with monstrous egos could. 
They took Japanese jujitsu a step further 
than their teachers by introducing tech- 
niques that required less strength than 
the Japanese style and would make their 
family the most feared and famous in all 
of Brazil. Rorior's father, Helio, once 
fought an opponent їп the ring be- 
fore 20,000 screaming spectators for 
three hours and 40 minutes, nonstop, be- 
fore the police finally separated the 
bloodied combatants. Їп another ring 
fight, he so savaged his opponent with 
kicks to his kidney that many attributed 
his subsequent death tothe fight. When a 
rival martial-arts teacher once accused 
the Gracie family of fixing its fights, He- 
lio, surrounded by a taunting crowd, con- 
fronted him on the street. He had broken 
the maris arms and ribs before the police 
arrested him. He was sentenced to two 
and a half years in jail for that beating, 
but the president of Brazil, a fan of the 
Gracie family, pardoned him within a 
week. 

Rorion laughs and says, “Heh-heh! My 
dad kicked his butt." He is sitting in the 
den of his tidy Іше house, sifting 
through the many newspaper and maga- 
zine articles writen about his family 
while his sons wrestle, jujitsu style, on the 
fioor. 

Rorion holds up 2 photograph of his 
father in a kimono taken when Helio was 
34. He is a small, slim man at 5'8", 135 
pounds, with slicked-back hair an 
aquiline nose and a pencilthin mus- 
tache. He is hip-tossing his older brother, 
Carlos, in an open field. "That was the 
year my dad read a Readers Digest article 
thatsaid a boxer beata jujitsu guy” Rorion 


says. "Heh-heh! My father offered to 
fight five boxers in one night. At various 
times, he offered to fight Primo Carnera, 
Ezzard Charles and Joe Louis. He put up 
sixteen thousand dollars and told Louis 
hed fight with Louis having no gloves, 
just taped hands. No one took up his 
challenge.” Rorion shrugs. "Louis was on 
vacation and here was this liule bee 
buzzing in his ear and giving him no 
peace. Heh-heh!” 

Helio reigned as the self-proclaimed 
toughest man in the occidental world for 
95 years. He fought 14 fighis in the ring 
and los only two of them, one to 
Japanese master Kimura and the other to 
a much younger man—in fact, his 
protégé—when Helio, at 42, was out of 
shape. Helio is 75 now, the patriarch of a 
family of nine children, including seven 
sons, and 18 grandchildren. Rorion has a 
photograph of his father at 73, still fit, 
gaunt-faced, with his aquiline nose and 
menacing pale-blue eyes. He is posing in 
his kimono with three of his sons, Rori- 
on, Relson and Rickson, in their ki- 
monos. Father and sons are standing 
identically—legs spread, arms crossed at 
their chests, eyes glaring at the camera— 

, underneath a seal of the Gracie Jujitsu 
Academy, which Carlos and Helio found- 
ed in Rio in the Twenties. Helio's sons 
have all taught at the academy at one 
time or another. They are black belts. 
They are bigger than their father, darker, 
but the look in their eyes is only a parody 
of their father’s truly menacing look. Ex- 
cept for Rickson. He has his own look. 
Not menacing but devoid of emotion. 
The blankness of the supremely con- 
fident. Rickson is 29, as muscular as a 
bodybuilder, with a Marine's crewcut, the 
high cheekbones of an Inca Indian and a 
square jaw. If Rorion is amiably hand- 
some, Rickson is devastatingly hand- 
some, Noted photographer Bruce Weber 
devoted 36 pages of his book on Rio (О 
Rio De Janeiro) to the Grades and Rick- 
son. Rickson as a baby being tossed high 
into the air by his father. Rorion and Rel- 
son as small boys on the beach, Rorion 
hooking his leg behind his brother's be- 
fore throwing him to the sand. Rickson, 
in bikini shorts, on his back on a mat in a 
ring, his legs wrapped around the hips of 
a muscular black man, also in bikini 
shorts, who is trying to strangle him. 

“Zulu,” says Rorion. “A street fighter. 
He was thirty pounds heavier than Rick- 
son. He threw Rickson out of the ring 
four times in their fight.” Rorion gets up 
to put on a video tape of Rickson's fight 
with Zulu for the title of toughest man in 
the occidental world. A grainy image 
flickers on the screen. Zulu is sitting 
astride Rickson, on his back. He is trying 
to gouge out Ricksons eyes. 
keeps twisting his head left and right to 
avoid Zulu's stabbing fingers while, at the 
same time, he is kicking his heels into the 


LET’S GET TOUGH 


are you man or wimp? 


CORPORATE TOUGH ICONS OF TOUGH 
Carl Icahn Lee Marvin 
Н. Ross Perot озеп Мис 
Мегу Griffin Kate Hepburn 
TOUGH LOVE 
i TOUGH ACTS TO FOLLOW 
nens yon Kirk Gibson's series homer 
Gitte-Gastineau First five minutes of any Bond 
Sean—Madonna movie 
Locke—Eastwood 
= TOUGH ACT TO SWALLOW 
mia Jim Bakker 
HANGING TOUGH соттон 
Salman Rushdie Rudolph Giuliani 
John Gotti 
Jimmy Swaggart Jimmy Connors 
DANCING TOUGH TOUGH TITTIES 
James Cagney Leona Helmsley 
Patrick Swayze Nancy Reagan 
James Brown Winnie Mandela 
ACER UT olah 
DOESN'T DANCE 
il Ayatollah Khomeini 
Norman Mailer © Gordon Liddy 1 
TOUGHEST MIEN ON ICE ly Martin 
Maria Lemieux Dan Rather 
LD oI D.C. TOUGH 
Senator Robert 
NOT TOUGH ENOUGH Sen ee Koop 
pea ors Sam Donaldson 
Frank Lorenzo Dexter Maniey 
Cast of thirtysomething 
Mike Dukakis TOUGH JACKSONS 
TOUGH CHOICES FEED 
“Do | ice her or do | marry her?" Stonewall 
—JACK NICHOLSON in Prizzi's Glenda 
Honor 
“То be or not to be." NOT-SO-TOUGH JACKSON 
намет in Hamlet Michael 
TOUGH DAMES TOUGH JOHNSONS 
Margaret Thatcher С 
Lauren Bacall Den 
Ethel Kennedy NOT-SO-TOUGH JOHNSON 
Mother Teresa Ben 
TOUGH TOUGH LITE 
Richard J. Daley Richard M. Daley 
John Poindexter Oliver North 
Joe Clark Sly Stallone 
Ted Koppel Morton Downey, Jr. 
Elvis Presley Elvis Costello 
Elizabeth Dole Bob Dole 
Marilyn Quayle Dan Quayle 
Most people named Mike Most people named Percy 
(Ditka, Ovitz, Tyson, Royko, 
Singletary, Wallace) 


9 


PLAYBOY 


sides of Zulu back where his kidneys 
are. Rorion laughs and says, "Heh-heh! 
After the fight, Zulu was pissing blood 
for weeks." 

The two men, locked in combat, roll 
toward the edge of the ring. The crowd 
surges forward. Hands reach out and 
slap at the combatants. T he referee kicks 
at the hands, trying to drive the crowd 
back, while he grabs the combatants legs 
and pulls them back to the center of the 
ring. A rain of crushed paper cups de- 
scends on the ring. The referee kicks the 
cups ош of the ring like a soccer player. 

‘Wild people, huh?" says Rorion. 
“Brazil is a violent country. Watch here.” 
Rickson stops kicking Zulu's kidneys, 
locks his legs around his hips and rolls 
him over so that now he is оп top. He un- 
leashes a barrage of bare-fisted punches 
to Zulu's face. Zulu tries to block the 
blows with his hands. 

Zulu manages to roll Rickson over now 
so that he is on top of him, close to the 
edge of the ring again. Before Zulu can 
set himself, Rickson twists Zulu's body so 
that Zulu is lying on top of him, both 
men facing the overhead lights. Rickson 
gets Zulu in a choke hold and squeezes. 
Zulus eyes begin to roll back into his 
head. 

Rorion, smiling, turns off the video 
and says, “1 used to change Rickson's dia- 
pers. Now he's the best in the world. Heh- 
heh!" It amuses him that he is the 
toughest man in the United States and 
yet he is not even the toughest man in his 
own family "Rickson has never been 
beaten," he says. "No one will challenge 
him after Zulu. It's been three vears. The 
i ily is the only family in history 
that will fight anyone with no rules. The 
Gracies dont believe in Mike Tyson. Rick- 
son issued a public challenge to Mike 
Tyson, but he has not responded.” 

All the while Rorion has been talking, 
his three sons have been grappling on 
the floor, like monkeys, ina silent parody 
of their father and uncle Rickson. Their 
names are Ryron, Rener and Ralek. 
Nearby is his daughter Segina. Rorion 
has two daughters by a previous mar- 
riage in Brazil, Riane, 12, and Rose. Ro- 
rion believes that the letter R has mystical 
powers. He also shuns common names, 
like Robert, because they carry their own 
associations. “An ori 1 name has only 
the aura you give и е says. It is a be- 
lief, one of many, that Rorion inherited 
from his father, whom he worships al- 
most as a god. (Rorion's other siblings be- 
sides his brothers Relson, 36. and 
Rickson are brothers Rolker, 24, Royler, 
23, Royce, 22, Robin, 15, and sisters 
Rherica, 20, and Ricci, 12.) 

Rorior's beliefs were fashioned out of 
Helio and Carlos' devotion to jujitsu, not 
merely as a martial art but as the corner- 
stone fora way of living that encompasses 
every aspect of a mans life, from morali- 


ty and sex to diet. Rorion, for instance, 
eats only raw fruits and, occasionally. 
vegetables, and only in certain combina- 
tions as prescribed by his uncle Carlos, a 
nutritionist. His back yard is a greengro- 
cer's market of boxes of apples, watermel- 
ons, bananas, mangoes and papayas he 
has bought in bulk. A typical Gracie meal 
might include watermelon juice, sliced 
persimmons and a side of bananas, and 
the talk around the Gracie dinner table 
between Rorion and his wife invariably 
concerns such questions as whether apri- 
cots should be combined with mangoes at 
a meal. His sons have only a passing ac- 
quaintance with foods other than fruits. 
They have had chicken maybe three 
times in their lives, and once, at a friend's 
birthday party, they were given lollipops, 
which they began smacking against the 
sides of their heads because they didn't 
know what they were. 

If the Gracie family's belief in the 
efficacy of fruits and the letter R seems 
nutty, if harmless, then their devotion to 
warrior values such as courage, honor 
and chivalry borders on the fanatical. 
Gracie men do fight at the drop ofan in- 
sult, with predictably savage results. 
When Carlos and Helio returned home 
one night and found a robber in their 
house, they offered him the choice of 
fighting or going to jail. He chose to 
fight. In minutes, his screams woke the 
neighborhood: “Jail! Jail! Jail!" When 
Unde Carlos fought, he was not content 
merely to beat an opponent, he also 
wanted to teach him a lesson, or, as Uncle 
Carlos likes to say, "He's gonna get to 
dreamland all right, but first he must 
walk through the garden of punish- 
ment.” 

Rorion laughs and shakes his head. 
“Uncle Carlos was a bratty little kid. 
When he saw a Japanese guy carrying 
heavy loads of laundry, he liked to tri 
him. Heh-heh! He was very aggressive. 

When Carlos found opponents scarce for 
his ring fights, he advertised for them in 
the newspaper under a headline that 
read, "IF YOU WANT A BROKEN ARM OR RIB. 
CONTACT CARLOS GRACIE AT THIS NUMBER.” 

Rorion is not so aggressive as Uncle 
Carlos, but he has inherited the Gracie 
sense Of honor and chivalry And he 
likens “The Gracie Myth” to the myth of 
Sparta. “My purpose in life," he says, "is 
10 keep the flame of Sparta alive.” Al- 
though appropriate in a macho country 
like Brazil, this warrior mentality often 
seems out of sync in the more benign 
dime of Southern California. Neverthe- 
less, Rorion is not one to ignore an insult. 
When he drove his wife and sons to a 
movie recently and inadvertently cut off 
another driver, he apologized. The man 
rolled down his window and yelled, “Ass- 
hole!" Rorion told the man he wasn't be- 
ing polite. “Asshole!” the man yelled. 
Rorion followed the man until he 


stopped at a light. He got out of his car 
and walked up to the man and said softly, 
"Your mother's an asshole!" The man 
rolled up his window and sped through 
the light. 

"] can't go to sleep having swallowed 
frogs,” Rorion says. “Jujitsu 15 my peace 
of mind. Its like having a forty-five-cal- 
iber gun in the drawer. Suzanne knows 
Just enough jujitsu to use it in her dreams 
to come to grips with her fears. It's very 
therapeutic. It takes away paranoia. 

Rorion will not teach Suzanne jujitsu, 
he says, because he already spends too 
much time in the kitchen. He laughs, 
then says seriously that it is a man’s, not a 
woman’, duty to defend a woman's hon- 
ог. It is another belief he learned from 
his uncle and his father. In fact, his rela- 
tionship with Suzanne is a parody of the 
chauvinistic relationships his uncle Car- 
los and his father had with their wives, 
except for one significant point. Suzanne, 
who was raised in Southern Califor- 
nia, does not see herself as a docile 
Brazilian wife. 

Uncle Carlos had four wives and 21 
children. When his first wife died, he 
gave seven cf his children to Helio to 
raise. At the time, Helio was on his hon- 
eymoon with his wife, a chestnut haired 
beauty named Margarida, who had been 
educated in Paris. Helio also had another 
family of sons with a woman who lived in 
Rio. 

“When my mother couldn't have any 
more sons,” Rorion says, “my father had 
six more kids with another woman. 
When my mother found out, she freaked. 
My dad told her he still loved her and he 
would never leave her. He just wanted 
more kids. When I heard this, I was only 
a boy and I thought my mom would get 
thrown out. But my dad told me not to 
worry. Then he said, ‘How many brothers 
would you like?' ] said, ‘As many as possi- 
ble. He said, ‘Good, vou have three 
more. Now I have six; two from my mom 
and four from my dad's other woman. 
Мете all one family now.” Rorion holds 
up a two-page magazine photograph of a 
Gracie family get-together in Rio. Helio 
and his wife are seated in the middle of a 
flock of their children and grandchil- 
dren, Carlos children and grandchil- 
dren and Нейо% children with his other 
woman. There are 48 beautiful, smiling 
Grace offspring in that photograph, 
ranging in age from two to 52. Fifty-sev- 
en other offspring are missing from the 
photograph. 

“I had the nicest youth you could ever 
dream of,” says Rorion. “In summer, we 
lived on a ranchin the mountains outside 
Rio. It had twenty-four bedrooms and 
eighteen bathrooms for thirty-seven kids. 
All the meals were served three times 
each. The kids ate with kids and the 
adults with adults.” He laughs. “You had 

(continued on page 144) 


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“There will be an enormous fly in your future!” 


555 


95 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


IRST THINGS FIRST. Mirjam van 
Breeschooten was born November 
15, 1970, at 7:5 
Breeschooten was born eight minutes 
later. When neighbors rushed to tell the fa- 
ther the news. he suspected what was com- 


8 am Karin van 


" he said. "Twins." It 


ing: "Let me ques 
scems that the house in which the family 
resided had a history of producing twins 
as far back as the 1500s. The only question 
we have: Were they as perfect as the Van 


Breeschootens? Before we had a chance 


for a face-to-face chat, Playboy Associate 
Photo Editor Mi 


vided the significant information: Karin 


ael Ann Sullivan pro- 


has a birthmark near her mouth and a 


boyfriend in Germany; Mirjam doesnt. 


Other than that. we were on our own. We 


DOUBLE DUTCH TREAT 


meet the misses september, the van breeschooten twins 


met the girls in a hotel room across the 
street from the Playboy Building. Mirjam 


was wearing a long jersey. with the sleeves 


pulled over her hands to use as mitts while 
she served a hot room-service breakfast. 
The first impression—adorable!—soared 
when her double, Karin, walked into the 
room. We started the interview by asking 


"Ше dont really care about what peo- 
ple think of our posing nude. Every per- 
son is the шоу he or she is. If you are 
walking дошп the nude beach on о sun- 
ny day, they are also looking at you, so 
what is the difference? When we first 
looked at a copy of the American 
Ployboy, we laughed at the tan marks 
‘on the girls’ breasts,” says Karin. “Even 
in privacy, they put their tops on?” 


Mirjam her opinion of America. "We 
watch St Elsewhere, Miami Vice, Moon- 
lighting, Hill Street Blues. We only know the 
gangsters. Last night, we were awakened 
by police sirens. We thought we were in an 
episode of Hill Street. Then we took a walk. 
You have beautiful cars. Big, beautiful 
cars. So far, everyone we've met has been 
incredibly nice.” Karin jumped in. "Hol- 
land is so small. It isa two-hour drive from 
one side to the other. It’s like living in a 
dollhouse. Everything is under control. 


There's never a big event. All the news 
from foreign countries is more exciting 
than what happens at home. Our newspa- 
pers can keep writing about a kidnaping 
for six months. We learn to talk about very 
small things for a very long time.” They 
said they couldn't wait to eat at a real Mc- 
Donald's. They wanted to go shopping for 
cowboy shirts and boots. They wanted to 
visit a school like the High School of the 
Performing Arts featured in Fame. They 
realize that their curiosity is shaped by en- 
tertainment, but then, most Americans, 
when they visit Holland, want to meet 


Hans Brinker of Silver Skates 
renown. "What is this silver 
skate?” asked Mirjam. Karin: 
"Our characters are really quite 
similar but never at the same 
time. A few years ago, 1 was 
the wildest one in the house, and 
now Miram is" Karin was a 
model and Mirjam a nursing stu- 
dent when the opportunity arose 
to appear in the Dutch edition 
of Playboy. Mirjam recalls Karin 
pushing her in front of a mirror 
and Mirjam giggling at the idea, 
saying, “Oh, for sure, that's the 
girl who will be in Playboy.” Mir- 
јат giggled to the point of tears 
again at the memory, her dimples 
giving warning of a blush. “Yes,” 
said Karin, verifying the story. 
“One day she was nagging that I 
was much more beautiful than 
she was. I dragged her to a mir- 
ror and made her look." Theyare 
disco crazy. In Holland, kids start. 
to go to dance clubs just out of di- 
apers. Mirjam snuck out at 13, Six 
months later, the two went out 
together. “I was helpless," Karin 
recalled, “but everyone knew 
Mirjam from the first time.” 
Have they ever switched dates? 
Never. They shrugged off the 
inevitable twin questions. “We 
never could understand what's so 
special about it. We can't imagine 
what it’s like not to be twins.” 


Mirjam believes that she ond 
Harin share a psychic bond. 
Although she had her ap- 
pendix token out a year be- 
fore Karin, when her sister 
hod the operation, she expe- 
rienced the pain. Do the two 
share pleasure? "No" says 
Mirjam. “Unfortunately пос. 
We dont even shore the 
same taste in boyfriends.” 


104 


Mirjam told the editors of the Dutch 
Playboy that together they ore brove, 
together they con do anything, but on 
their ошп, they are not exactly heroes. 
“| suppose every twin is shy when he 
or she hos to do something alone. 
When | see a nice guy, | would not 
dream of approaching him. He has to 
come to me. By the way, lets get one 
thing stroight. Karin and 1 dont do ev- 
erything together” Except pose for us. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


vane: Logo oon reescHonta _ 

BUST: SICM_waıst: AICM nips: SG CM 

HEIGHT: [A4 C wrom: _ 777 UG - А 
BIRTH МЕ. Koklerdan 
AMBITIONS: ul to pagio abia. — 


TURN-ONS: с > be L 


mT Lie RESkauRAMES - 


TURN-OFFS: 


and yeaicus pEcple 
FAVORITE MOVIES: 


FAVORITE MUSIC: kem wz slow music 


FAVORITE PERFORMERS: à Маша _ Monroe 
WHAT I LIKE BEST ABOUT HOLLAND: ASOY Mec wcather- 


1 


WEAT I FOUND INTERESTING ABOUT auto: AMEn\Can cars |_ 


WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MY SISTER: 


7 was yh ere 16 2 чеоне Qu ane Playboy 


89coRsol! рор Holland shock 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


МАМЕ COMA ore rod 
BUST:cXO cce. WAIST: бс» en HIPS: 
HEIGHT: MOB суух WEIGHT: С Ме 


BIRTH DATE: у= залее BIRTHPLACE: ON pa 
AMBITIONS: ko Me a Salsa masa im Woe AS, 
TURN-ONS: rien gende Manes: and qad Mense - 
лсо ee nee 
манка. 


FAVORITE MOVIES: 


a = ; 
FAVORITE т жрт А Rae шу. 


FAVORITE PERFORMERS: А Ж 


WHAT I LIKE BEST ABOUT HOLLAND: AG SS Wren 


WHAT I FOUND INTERESTING ABOUT AMERICA: Noe faa fie oae Gew- 


WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MY SISTER: 


Deens СО aS \ 
оуу hier wOX« ko Biking in Curogao myskeny woman! 
becominG a modd. 


Ж 


N 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Oibfire-fighting expert Red Adair stopped off 
in Las Vegas for a few days of relaxation. Whi 
sitting in a lounge one night, he was engaged 
conversation by a fellow who'd obviously had a 
few to many. 
now who I saw yesterday?” the drunk said. 
g Newton.” 
fou mean Wayne Newton, doi 
corrected him 
“Oh, yeah," he said, adding enthu 
1 week, I saw Benny Roger 
You mean Kenny Rogers." 
“The best of all was when I saw Polly Darton.” 
“You mean Dolly Parton, fella." 
Nonplused, the drunk asked his compa 
who he was. When he was told “Red Adair,” the 
fellow perked up and said, “Yeah? You still fuck- 
in’ Ginger Rogers?" 


Adair 
al 


you! 


Ош Unabashed Dictionary defines psycho- 
somatic as Norman Bates's food processor. 


А һоокег spotted a fellow weaving out of a bar 
and thought he might be an casy $20. “How 
abouta blow job, Мас?” 

“Nah,” the fellow muttered. “I still have three 
weeks of unemployment left. 


The man stranded on a desert island could not be- 
lieve his eyes when a beautiful woman in scuba 
gear appeared on the shore. She smiled and said, 
“ГЇЇ bet you could use a cigarette." Unzipping the 
sleeve of her wet suit, she pulled one out and 
handed it to him. 

“ГІ bet,” she continued when :he man had 
finished his smoke, “you haven't had a nice, cold 
beerin a long time.” Unzipping the leg of her wet 
suit, she pulled out a brew and gave it to the 
grateful man 

When he had drained the last drop, the shapely 
woman unzipped the front of her wet suit. “ГЇЇ 
bet,” she purred, “it’s been a long time since you 
played around.” 

“You mean,” the man gasped, “ 
clubs in there?” 


өше got golf 


How many country singers docs it take to change 
a light bulb? Four—one to screw it in and three to 
write about the old one. 


Two dim-wiued golfers found themselves at a 
foggy par three where they could sce the flag but 
not the green. Each hit solid shots. When they 
1 walked onto the green, they discovered that 
one of the balls was six inches from the cup and, 
fter searching for the other onc, found that it 
had gone into the cup. They then tried to figure 
out whose ball was whose. They had both played 
Titleist number threes. They decided to ask the 
golf pro to make a ruling. 

Alter congratulating the men on their superh 
shots—and after being told that cach of the men 
ing the same brand and number ball— 
he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow 
one?” 


A grasshopper walked into a bar, sat down on a 
stool and ordered a martini. “Hey,” the astound- 
ed bartender exclaimed, “do you know we have a 
dr ed after you?" 

idding,” the grasshopper sa 


d. “Irving? 


p m 


What's the difference between a slut anda bitch? 
A slut screws everyone; a bitch screws everyone 
but you. 


Clonar 


ng to an ad in the paper for Bible sales- 


ise the manis past sales per- 
formance was so good, he hired him. 

“lo everyones astonishment, within a few 
months, the fellows sales were the best in the 
company The president called a meeting to con- 
gratulate him and to inspire the other salesmi 
"Son, tell us your secret for selling so many 
Bibles." he said. 

“Irs I just go to the d-d-door and say, 
‘W-w-would you like to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible? Or I 
c-c-could с-с-еоше in and read it t-t-to you: 


Heard a funny опе lately? Send il on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 
Playboy Bldg, 919 N. Michigan Ave, Chicago, 
Ill. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Leonardo is designing a line of colognes, too.” 


из 


14 


Vial ho E 
6 "SUME CURE 


By MALCOLM ABRAMS and HARRIET BERNSTEIN 


it gyrates! it 
levitates! it sings 
and it flushes! get 
ready for 2001: 

a shopping odyssey 


INTRODUCTION 


FUTURE STUF for consumers. Every- 
thing in this article should be in your 
supermarket. hardware store, pharma- 
су. department store or otherwise avail- 
able by the year 2000. 

Many of the technologies behind the 
products are new and developing, so it's 
doubiful thatany one reader is going to 
be knowledgeable about all of them. 
For that reason, we have made Future 
Stuff light on scientific and technical 
talk and heavy on clarity. 

Think of this as a window-shopping 
expedition into the future. Enjoy pick- 
ing out what you'll buy tomorrow. 


THE HEADINGS 
EXPLAINED 


Below the title of each product, there 
are three headings: opps, era. and 
PRICE. A few words of explanation are 
needed for each. 

opps: This is the probability, meas- 
ured as a percentage, that the product 
will actually be on sale by the year 2000. 
When the odds are listed as 100 per- 
cent, the product now exists in a form 
that can be marketed and sold. For ex- 
ample, the levitation vehicle (odds: 100 
percent) has a manufacturer who is 
ready to take the product to market. 

In most cases, the odds of a product's 
reaching the market have been project- 
ed by the inventor or the manufacturer. 
In some cases. though, the authors have 
made this projection based on available 
information. 

ETA: This is the estimated time of 
availabilitv.—the year—that the prod- 
uct is expected to arrive in stores 
nationwide. 

In many cases, when the ЕЛГА. is list- 


ed as 1990, the product is already being 
sold in a limited fashion, usually by the 
manufacturer or through mail-order 
houses. 

In most instances, the E. 


. has 


been supplied by the inventor or the 

manufacturer. However, in some cases, 

the authors have made the projection. 
hat the inventor or the 


it is not applicable, 
as the product will not be sold directly 
10 consumers but will be incorporated 
into other products. 


LEVITATION VEHICLE 


ODDS: 100 percent. 
ЕТА.: 1991 
PRICE: $100,000. 


This is the stuff of comic books, 5-Ғ 
magazines and the dreams of genera- 
tions of little boys who loved machines. 
It's called the Moller 400. In appear- 
ance, it's a sleek cross between a Cor- 
vette and a rocket ship. In function, it's 
a car, a helicopter and an airplane. 

It seats four, takes off vertically, can. 
do 400 mph, hover low, land softly and 
park in your garage. And it's almost as 
easy to operate as a video game. 

The inventor of the Moller 400 is 
Paul Moller, one of those boys from the 
Forties who held on to their dreams. 
While earning his doctorate at Montre- 
al's McGill University and through 15 


years of teaching at the University of 
California at Davis, he worked to devel- 
op new types of aircraft. 

Now head of his own firm, Moller In- 
ternational, he is putting the final 
touches on his masterpiece, which he 
modestly calls “an alternative to the 
family car." 

Moller has already tested the technol- 
оду for the Moller 400 in his earlier 
model, the 200X, which looks like a 
fiying saucer. lt operated successfully 
on numerous flights—both by remote 
control and with a pilot aboard. 

Now the Moller 400 is about ready 
for take-off. It's six feet high, nine and a 
half feet wide and 18 feet long. It has a 
cruising speed of 225 mph and gets 15 
miles to the gallon. 

Its powered by 65-pound, 528-с.с. 
rotary engines, each of which generates. 
150 horsepower, or more than two hp 
per pourd, four times that of a typical 
aircraft engine. 

The Moller 400 is propelled by eight 
of these compact engines encased іп 
four separate ducts. With no exposed 
blades, the craft is much safer to ma- 
neuver on the ground than either a 
helicopter or a small plane. 

Moller has built the craft with safety 
in mind. Three on-board computers 
check one another's work and can back 
one another up. They'll also provide 
the aircraft with a sophisticated colli- 
sion-avoidance system expected to aid 
air-traffic controllers by the year 2000. 

At speeds above 125 mph, altitude 
can be maintained even if six of the 
eight engines should fail. If all the en- 
gines should die, the Moller 400 could 
land with the aid of an emergency 
parachute and its five-foot stiletto nose 
would crumple to absorb shock. 

While leaving bumper-to-bumper 
traffic below may seem like the 
fulfillment of every commuter fantasy, 
Moller believes that the craft's first ap- 
plication will be performing search- 
and-rescue missions in isolated areas. 

Still, а lot of childhood dreamers are 
lining up for the craft. According to 
Jack Allison, marketing director for 
Moller International, 47 people have 
already reserved a Moller 400 by pay- 
ing a fully refundable $5000 deposit. 


CONCERT HALLS 
AT HOME 


ODDS: 100 percent 
ETA; 1990 
PRICE: $699. 


If you missed Sinatra at Carnegie 
Hall or the Beatles at the Royal Albert, 
the technology is now here to re-create 
such magical experiences. 

Yamaha Electronics, applying di 
al technology, has come up with the 
DSP-I00U. a device that can re-create 
dozens of acoustic environments, in- 
cluding jazz clubs, discos, outdoor are- 
nas, churches and concert halls. 

Controlled by a remote key pad, the 
DSP-100U requires a stereo system with 
a minimum of four channels of am- 
plification and four speakers. It works 
with a CD player, a turntable, a tape 
deck or even a radio. 

The DSP-100U is already available at 
many audio specialty dealers. 


EYE BRACES 


ODDS: 75 percent 
ETA: 1994 
PRICE. $2000 


They're called intracorneal rings and 
they can eliminate the need for eye- 
glasses and contact lenses. 


Quite simply, a thin corneal ring will 
flatten the cornea to correct nearsight- 
edness. A tighter ring will increase the 
degree of curvature of the cornea to 
correct farsightedness. And any ring at 
all will round out the shape of the eye to 
correct astigmatism. 

According to Thomas M. Loarie of 
KeraVision, the company developing it, 
the device is placed in the cornea much 
as braces are placed on teeth. The rings 
can be removed at any time, they will 
cause no interference with normal сус 
function and they can stay in 
indefinitely. That means no lost lenses, 
no cleansers, no discomfort. 

The rings will be surgically implant- 
ed by a physician on an outpatient basis. 
The procedure will cost $2000, which. 
compared with a lifetime's contact lens- 
es or glasses, may be a bargain. 

The rings are being tested success- 
fully on animals and human testing 
could begin by late 1989. 


THE MORE INTELLIGENT 
TOILET 


ODDS: 80 percent 
ETA: 1992 
PRICE: As much as $3600 


Whats beyond toilets that sterilize 
themselves? Bottoms that wipe them- 
selves! 

Well, not exactly, but several compa- 
nies in the Orient are marketing a ver- 
sion of a toilet thai cleans you up 
automatically without toilet paper. 

Besides the now-ordinary functions 
of sterilizing and preheating, these pa- 
perless toilets have a mechanical arm 
that appears underncath you after you 
have completed your business. The arm 
shoots up a stream of warm water and 
follows it with a blast of dry air that can 
gust for 60 seconds at a time. The full 
treatment is complete with a perfumed 
misting of your underparts. Some of 
these automated geniuses even play 
gentle music! 

One advertisement in Japan claims 


that it takes one half the amount of 
electricity needed to run the refrigera- 
tor to clean the bottoms of a family of 
four. 

Who could ask for anything more? 


PORTABLE 
VOICE-ACTIVATED 
TRANSLATOR 


ODDS: 100 percent 
ETA. 1991 
PRICE: $2000 


For the American in Paris—or any- 
where, for that matter—the language 
barrier is abont 10 come down with this 
portable translator. 

Voice—thats what it’s called—is a 
hand-held computer with software that 
can recognize more than 35,000 sen- 
tences. You simply speak to it in English 
and it will speak the words in French (or 
German, Spanish or Italian). You will 
see what you said in both languages on 
an LCD screen to make sure that Voice 
got it right. And when you say “Re- 
peat,” Voice will repeat the phrase in 
the foreign language, so you can be 
sure you heard it right. 

“Voice makes a laptop computer with 
a keyboard look like a dinosaur.” says 
Steve Rondel, president of Advanced 
Products and Technologies, the Red- 
mond, Washington, company that 
makes Voice. “It fits in the palm of your 
hand and listens to and acts on your 
command.” The translator weighs 
three pounds and is the size of two 
stacked VHS cassettes. 

Voice is speaker-dependent. That 
means it has to be trained and that 
it will respond only to your voice. 
It willlead you through an interview in 
which it memorizes the way you talk. 
Others can use it by training their own 
cartridges. 

Rondel sees Voice's first applications 
in the business community and the 
tourist industry. (Imagine Voice in ev- 
ery taxi, helping drivers and foreigners 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY DAVE CALVER 


ns 


16 


comprendre.) And despite its high cost. 
Americans abroad will probably be car- 


rying Voice, along with guidebooks and 
cameras, by the early Nineties. 


HIGH-FIBER CUPCAKES 


ODDS. 100 percent 
ЕТА: 1992 
PRICE: МА 


Cupcake lovers will read this and say 
that cupcakes are perfect just the way 
they are. But we're telling vou that cup- 
cakes will stay perfect and be good 
for vou. Yes. your favorite high-calorie, 
low-nutrition hunk of heavenly junk 
will actually be just what the doctor ог- 
dered. Years ago, we learned that cer- 
tain forms of cancer may be prevented 
with fiber. Americans then averaged 
only 13 grams of fiber in their normal 
daily diet, while researchers told us we 
needed 30. About the time this re- 
scarch was reported in the press, Mike 
Gould and his team of U.S. Department 
of Agriculture biochemists had come 
up with a way to soften the nondi- 
gestible (fiber) portion of cell walls in 
farm products. Their mission was to 
find new uses for basic farm products 
such as oats, wheat and corn, and it oc- 
curred tothem, "Hmmm. These grains 
also contain cellulose, and that's fiber!" 

Indeed, it's 100 percent fiber. Experi- 
ments started immediately to replace 
some of the flour content in baked 
goods with their softened cellulose 
product. 

"The researchers knew that nobody 
was going то start eating twice as much 
fiber because it might help prevent can- 
cer. So Gould et al. tried to put fiber 
into foods that people already liked. 
The trick was to do it without being 
detected. 

And they succeeded! The cellulose 
fiber can replace as much as two thirds 
of the flour used in baked goods, de- 
pending on the product. "We made 
hundreds of cakes, brownies, dough- 
nuts, pancakes and breads,” says Gould. 
A cake was developed that substituted 


the cellulose for 40 percent of the four 
normally used in the recipe. A profes- 
sional taste panel couldn't differentiate 
the cellulose cake from one made with 
the regular amount of flour. It com- 
pared taste, texture, mouth feel and 
seven other criteria. “There was as 
much fiber in one slice of that cake asin 
a half head of lettuce,” Gould says. 
‘That was seven and a half grams, or 
one fourth of the minimum daily 
amount of fiber suggested by cancer re- 
searchers. 

The cellulose can go into gravy, 
sauces, ice cream and any other prod- 
ucts that require a bulking agent or a 
thickener, and it has no calories. Not 
one. It passes right through the body. 

Mind you, it has no nutritional value, 
either. But if you like cupcakes, vou 
won't care. 


SURF FLYING 


ODDS: 100 percent 
ETA.: 1990 
PRICE: $1275 


This is a toy that is definitely not for 
everyone. But if you're a surfer or a 
hang glider—or preferably both—this 
contraption is a dream come true. 

Its called the Wind Weapon and it's 
the brain child of windsurfer Тот Ma- 
gruder and hang-gliding expert Robert 
Crowell. 

‘The Wind Weapon is a sailboard rig 
with a sophisticated aluminum-and- 
Mylar pivoting wing that enables the 
board and the rider to leap as high as 
40 feet above the water's surface. 

It is not a sport for novices. First, says 
Magruder, you should have wind- 
surfing experience. Then expect to ex- 
periment for a good week before you 
get the hang of it. 

These modern-day Wright brothers 
say that once you get good, you can stay 
in flight for as long as ten seconds. 

The Wind Weapon is available at a 
few windsurfing shops or from Wind 
Weapon International, PO. Box 89, 
Hood River, Oregon 97031. 


GYRO EXERCISE 
MACHINE 


ODDS: 100 percent. 
ETA. 1990 
PRICE: $5850 


Picture three giant concentric Hula- 
Hoops standing on end. Now imagine 
yourself strapped into the innermost 
hoop. Move a muscle and the three con- 
nected rings start to sway. Strain a little 
harder and you begin to spin. Nod your 
head and vou somersault. 

This is an exercise machine for peo- 
ple bored by exercise machines. The 
design is based on the gyroscope, a 
device that has been around since the 
1850s. 

Gyro stands nine feet high and 
is nine feet wide. The three rings— 
one green, one red, one yellow—are 
made of tubular steel and rotate 
around one another, each on its own 
axis. The rider is fastened into the i 
nermost ring with a foot-binding sys- 
tem and a padded waist device that 
allows for minimal movement. There 
are handle bars overhead that help 
stretch and support the body. 

Once you're in place, the slightest 
body movement will get the eni 
tem turning. Through subtle shifts in 
weight and isometric muscle contrac- 
tions, the rider can create and control 
the action, the speed and the duration 
of the exercise. The rings move in ev- 
ery direction—the outer ones keeping 
the entire apparatus in balance. It's pos- 
sible to do forward dives, back flips, lat- 
eral rotations, cart wheels and more, all 
with the weightlessness of an astronaut 
in space. 

“It's an exciting and exhilarating 
workout," says Julie Larsen, the public- 
relations director for Gyro North 
America. “Everybody who gets on this 
machine grins from ear to ear. They re- 
allv enjoy every movement." 

It's also safe, she reports, and no one 
gets sick. You can slow it down or stop it 
and return to an upright position sim- 
ply by bending your knees. However, 


Larsen docs suggest that a monitor Ье 
ncarby for beginners. 

The benefits? Stress on the joints is 
minimal. The three-ring ride is great 
for toning the body and provides a 
whopping aerobic workout, ora moder- 
ate one, whichever is preferred. 

It'seven beautiful to look at. 


UPHILL SKIING 


ODDS: 100 percent 
ETA. 1990 
PRICE. $1300 


How many times have you skied 
down a challenging slope, only to real- 
ize that the bigger challenge was get- 
ting back up to the top for another run? 
John Stanford and Phil Huff decided to 
use their parachuting and skiing expe- 
rience to design a product that would 
solve that problem. The result is 
a lightweight parachute powerful 
enough to propel skiers up steep slopes 
yet small enough to be casily packed 
away for the trip back down. 

Coming up with a prototype was fair- 
ly simple—since Stanford company 
manufactures parachutes—but testing 
it was downright thrilling. “We realized 
that skiing uphill was more fun than 
skiing downhill,” says Stanford. So 
once they received a patent, the sport of. 
“upskiing” was born. 

"The parachute can be used on snow- 
covered lakes or steep mountain slopes, 
in winds as low as seven or eight mph. 
Friends of Stanford and Huff have up- 
skied in 50-mph winds but describe the 
experience as “terrifying” and "dan- 
gerous” and strongly advise against it. 

Like sailing, upskimg is a wind sport. 
After putting on your skis and strap- 
ping yourself into the harness, lift part 
of the canopy (with the help of control 
lines) so it fills with wind, lean back and 


А control center attached to the har- 
ness allows you to increase or decrease 
your specd and, in the case of an emer- 
gency, release yourself from the equip- 
ment. The parachute itself is 28 feet in 


diameter, and the entire system weighs 
a mere 13 pounds and folds up to the 
size of a backpack 

The product can be purchased from 
UpSki, Іпс. PO. Box 1269, Frisco, Col- 
orado 80443. Customers are required 
to participate in a short demonstration 
of how the system and its emergency 
features work. 


FROZEN BEVERAGE 
MUG 


ODDS: 50 percent 
ETA. 1991 
PRICE: One dollar 


A lover of hot summer days, beaut- 
ful beaches and frosty brews, Saul 
Freedman is the creator of the frozen 
beverage mug—an alkice container 
that keeps the drink cold until the mug 
melts. 

Freedman, a Vineland. New Jersey. 
inventor, intends 10 mass-produce his 
mugs and market them as "perfect for 
the beach." His brain storm— putting 
liquid into ice rather than ice into liq- 
uid—was born out of frustration. He 
was tired of drinking warm beer and 
cola at the Jersey shore and of paper 
cups and cans littering the sand. 

The frozen mug melts from the out- 
side in. Except for the wooden stick that 
serves as its handle. it disappears with- 
ош a trace—on a hot day at the beach. 
the mug is good for about 45 minutes. 

“Its а trash-free, self-disposing 
drinking container, and with the envi- 
ronmental problems we have today. the 
mug will help decrease the litter,” 
Freedman says. Some seaside towns ban. 
the sale of drink containers at the 
beach, but he thinks the ісе mug can 
swim around this rule. 

Alhough the frozen mug will stay 
solid for as long as two hours indoors, 
Freedman sees as his greatest potential 
market people who want fast refresh- 
ment in the hot sun. And he doesnt 
view the summer melt-down time of 45 
minutes as a negative. "With ice cream, 


if you don't eat it in буе minutes, it will 
be all over your lap. Besides, how long 
do you hold a paper cup thats filled 
with soda?” 

The ice mug is produced through a 
patented process that first takes the im- 
purities out of water (making it freeze 
quickly and melt slowly) and then chills 
the molds. 

Assuming that he finds investors 
who share his belief that ice is nice, 
Freedman will manufacture his mugs 
in New Jersey. near his potential cus- 
tomers. Franchising is a possibility, too. 


MOOD SUIT 


ODDS: 100 percent 
ETA. 1991 
PRICE: Less than $100 


Bathing suits may be more revealing 
than ever in the Nineties if Donald 
Spector invention becomes the rage. 
His swimming togs will do more than 
reveal parts of the body: they will re- 
veal the temperature of some of the 
parts the suits are concealing. 

Spector, a New York inventor who 
gave the world hydraulically operated 
exercise equipment. has developed 
thermally sensitive fabric that changes 
color in concert with the wearer's tem- 
perature. So if something embarrasses 
you, your suit may blush even if you 
don't. 

As Spector explains it, the suits will 
turn dark blue or even black around an 
area that is heating up or where the 
blood is collecting. As the suit goes 
from hot to cold, it will pass through 
versions of black, blue, yellow and 
green before cooling off at moderate 
brown. 

Expect to see only parts—that is, up- 
per parts—of the suits made from the 
special cloth. 

Thus far. Spector is working on mar- 
keting the Mood Suit to women only A 
tank-style one-piece is already devel- 
oped, but different styles are on the 
drawing board. 


17 


JEFF 


ere is Jeff Daniels, Michigan. home boy, 

reluctant. Hollywood actorguy, grin- 
ning his sly, smirky grin. Barefoot and just 
slightly beered up, he paddles and putters 
his pontoon boat around the small lake on 
whose shores he makes his home. Daniels 
lives in the rural southeastern. Michigan 
town where he grew up, a town whose name 
he prefers no one knew, because it is here 
that he likes to pretend that he is not a big- 
deal movie star. To the locals, he is just plain 
Jeff, tavern squatter, softball zealot. To the 
contrary, he is the fine laconic leading man 
whose quirky charms have enlivened such 
films as “Terms of Endearment,” “The Pur- 
ple Rose of Cairo,” “Something Wild,” 
“Sweethearts Dance” and “Checking Out.” 
Due next is “Love Hurts,” a tale of divorce 
and hope. Contributing Editor Bill Zehme 
spent one long afternoon. on the pontoon 
and reminisces thusly: “We circled the lake 
roughly eight thousand times and drank 
many cold ones. Once, we went ashore to see 
the large house Jeff was building for his two 
small sons and wife, Kathleen. We watched 
workmen work. I asked him if he'd seen any 
signs of Elvis, who is rumored to be residing 
in the state. Daniels blanched and said that 
Elvis had recently stopped by, scrounging 
for money ‘He looked pale, he reported, 
“very pale. I told him to get lost.” 


L 


тлувоу: By living here in Michigan, you 
disprove the maxim that you can't go 
horne again. Just how wrong was Thomas 
Wolfe? 
DANIELS: It's not the same as when 1 was 
growing up here. I mean, this lake was 
the whole world. Now it's just a three- 
mile body of water in one of fifty states, 
But it’s a very grounded existence. You 
get a cleaner outlook, which is better for 
the kids. The people are nine-to-fivers, 
very realistic and have a different sense 
of humor. I told 


K th inth - 
hollywood's peu T5 
jl ji that PI "s 20 
likable laconic a! Dots 20 


ing. He just stared 
at me blankly 1 
said, “1 knew that 
would impress 


lunk on 
softball, 


you" The real 
small towns E E ED 
and when love are the guys who 


read the news in 
Detroit. For me, 
living here һе 
tween movies is 
much healthier 


hurts the best 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE LANGE 


than sitting around a pool in Los Angeles 
or being cramped up in a New York 
apartment, waiting for the next job. 1 
can't rest in those two towns. There I'm 


an unemployed actor; here I'm on vaca- 
tion. I also happen to live here. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: Tivelve years ago, you left Michi- 
gan for New York. Take us on a tour of 
the hellish depravity only a Midwesterner 
sees upon moving there. 

DANIELS: One of my favorite memories 
was the big blackout in 77. 1 lived in this 
not-so-safe building at Seventh Avenue 
and Twenty-third. To get to my apart- 
ment, I had to walk up ten flights of stairs 
in the pitch black. 1 kept thinking, God, 
what's up this next flight? Is it my death? 
In the same apartment, there was a hole 
in the door where a lock was supposed to 
be. One day, I looked up from the couch 
and saw an eye peering through the hole. 
Then—whoosh/—the eye was gone. I re- 
member walking down the street and 
seeing some guy just explode, vomiting 
something like green radiator fluid. I re- 
member sitting on a bench in a subway 
station next to two people. Suddenly, a 
screaming woman ran up, grabbed a 
hunk of hair from both of them and ran 
down the platform. Tore out a handful 
and just disappeared, 

But New York's supposed to be a chal- 
lenge. You're not supposed to be cornfort- 
able there. You're in the way And they 
don't care whether you live or die. They 
don't care because they're in New York! 


3. 


PLAYBOY: You played a homosexual in 
Lanford Wilson's play The Fifth of July 
and shared a stage kiss, in successive pro- 
ductions, with William Hurt and 
Christopher Reeve. What did the folks at 
home think? And, more important, who 
was the better kisser? 

DANIELS: Oh, man. I had been living in 
New York for two years when my mother 
came to see it. She was very quiet after the 
play. 1 said, "Well, you know, Mom, it's a 
love story” She said, “It's not a love story, 
it's perverted!" And all there was on stage 
was a brief kiss in the first act. I mean, it's 
cither kiss the guy or get fired from the 
job. In her defense, though, 1 hadn't dat- 
ed anyone in a couple of years and I was 
living down in the Village. So there was 
some concern, yes. But Mom had no prob- 
lems with it when the play later opened 
on Broadway [laughs]. By then, 1 was 
married, and although 1 was still kissing 


s EI а $ 


ANIELS 


in {һе first act, that was considered, you 
know, fun. 

As for who's the better kisser, both of 
the guys have tremendous pucker quality. 
It reminds me of the Hoover vacuum 
cleaners of the Fifties. Just fantastic. I 
mean, that's why they're where they are 
today. 


4, 


PLAYBOY: Tell us about your dramatic tele- 
vision debut on Нашай Five-O. Any theo- 
ries as to why Jack Lord's hair never 
moved? 
DANIELS: 1 was guest criminal—one of 
three college-guy jewel thieves—in the 
penultimate episode. We were standing 
опа windy cliff, shooting the “Book 'em" 
scene, as it was called. My hair is doing а 
dance. Everybody's hair is flying. Then 
you look at Jack's—boom!—it's as rigid as 
Mount Rushmore. lt was amazing, a 
freak of nature, a genuine phenomenon. 
I remember Jack liked to use a lot of 
cue cards because, you know, Brando 
did, too. But he was the king of Hawaii, a 
god, and he commanded total autonomy 
on that show. For this particular scene, he 
was ready to deliver his big speech. My 
line to him was, "What now, Mr. McGar- 
ret?" And he says, “Ill tell you what 
now! Prison for you punks!” But this was 
the sixth day of shooting and things were 
getting a little relaxed. At this point, the 
director didn't care at all. And somehow, 
l accidentally read my line as, "What 
пою, Mr. Garrett?" Jack shouts, “Cut it" 
gives me a very angry look and says, 
“Thais Muhh-Garrett!” He then turns 
and walks away. The other actors are 
doubled over, stifling their laughter. 1 
figured, Fire me, man. Гуе already got 
my Hawaiian vacation, 


5. 


PLAYBOY: Any lingering scars from play- 
ing the lecherous weasel Flap Horton in 
Terms of Endearment? Do you think wom- 
enstill hold you in contempt? 

DANIELS: Well, the worm is turning: A lot 
of people have been coming up to me, 
saying, “You know, 1 don't know how you 
put up with those two women for as long 
as you did." I think, Yeah, yeah! Because 
for a while there, it was tough to go out- 
side. There was a driver who took me to 
the Todoy show and told me, in passing, 
“When I saw you in Term: of Endearment, 
1 just wanted to beat the hell out of you.” 
How does one respond to that? Say thank 
you? I went to see the movie in Times 
Square and (continued on page 146) 


118 


RISKY BUSINESS 
tales of the outdoors 


Bv CRAIG VETTER 


jump into the teeth of the wind and you might get bitten 


HERES NOTHING LIKE the promise of solo flight to get you watching natural 
Tz socks: treetops, tall grass, steam plumes, flags, birds. Especially the 
birds if it’s a paraglider you'll be strapped to—a piece of cloth without frame ог 
motor that you'll pilot through whatever gust and thermal carth and sun hap- 
pen to cook up while you hang between them, a wind sock yourself. 

1 watched the hawks and the turkey vultures оп my way up the northeastern 
edge of the San Francisco Bay toward the hills of Vallejo. It was the middle of 
April, an overcast morning, and it seemed to me the big soaring meat eaters 
were working a little harder than usual—tipping, stalling, Happing—to keep 
from being blown off the ridge lines they were hunting, 

Then again, 1 suppose any wind at all would have had my worried attention 
that morning. The birdman fever that overtakes some people bad just never 
infected me. In fact, I'd always thought that Icarus was a snotty kid who pretty 
much got what he deserved. 

My instructor, Mark Chirico, assured me that under the right conditions, 
paragliding was very safe and very easy. He had а 400-foot hillside picked out 
for us, and he thought that, working one on one, I'd probably be flying from the 
тор by the end of the first day. In a normal class (continued on page 154) 


ILLUSTRATION BY RAFAL OLBINSKI 


Ode lo Morganna 


a words-and-pictures tribute to baseball's kissing bandit 
тех? by CURRY KIRKPATRICK 


OK. LETS GET IT Over with: Ladies and gentlemen, here they аге. . . Morganna. Yes, they are 
real. That's right, John Candelaria, “The Candy Man,” they're all her. АП, indescribably deli- 
cious, her own Mounds. No, she doesnt have to saw twin cavernous holes in the mattress to 
sleep at night. Yes, she eats gobs of junk food and then 
works it off on the rowing machine. No, she has never 
had her rib cage removed. Maybe they are the advertised, 
incredible 60 inches—thar's six-oh, my goodness—all the 
way around. Most definitely, if not the eighth Wonder of 
the World, they have to be way way ош there with any- 
thing else you might nominate. 

Want to get personal? The lady herself refers to the 
brassieres that cover the things as "my pup tents.” Want 
an autograph? BREAST WISHES, MORGANNA, she'll write. Or 
THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES. Of course, long ago, she start- 
ed spelling her name with two Ns to, she submits, “get 
more ink and fill up the marquees.” But the more re- 
markable aspect of her signature is the capital M, the top 
of which she curls into two round mounds, just like the 
Golden Arches themselves, and then finishes with two 
dots at the twin peaks, so that the result resembles the 
view of her magnificent chest from the Goodyear blimp. 
“Just think,” says Morganna, “if 1 ever get old and 
droopy, 1 can change my name to Wanda.” 

When the last great scorer comes to write against the 
game, when the time capsule is finally sealed up for base- 
ball in our lifetime, lets be sure not to omit the true arti- 
facts of the sport: Lite beer, arbitration, pine tar, tobacco, 
the split-finger fast ball, cocaine, maybe some tail feath- 
ers from the Chicken and a little piece, uh, a sigh and 
whisper of Morganna as well. Even as hard as they may 
be to come by, she'd undoubtedly offer up one of those 
pup tents—a tight fit, to be sure—but let's get it done any- 
way. For, as a distinguished participant in the national 
pastime once said—maybe it was one of the Parkers, Wes 
or Dave, or somebody else she has targeted on her 


splendiferously crowd-enthralling, rear-end-hauling, 


Outtakes from Morganna's greatest hits: At a November 1988 Utah Jazz game, she 
sprints (top) toward Jazz coach Frank Layden. In the bottom photo, she gets her 
prey. Afterward, Layden fell to the floor. “I don't think he was faking it,’ she says. “I 
think he really passed out. He probably had double vision.” She met Seattle Mariner 
Steve Yeager (center) on opening day іп 1986. “That's his intellectual look,” she says. 


glamorous kissing forays—"Morganna 
great for baseball? Morganna is base- 
ball." 

Truth be told, Morganna has lip- 
sticked types of all stripes— football 
coaches, basketball people, a jockey, the 
Chicken himself, Tom Selleck, even a 
minor-league hockey coach, for God's 
sake. Not to mention a bedraggled cor- 
nucopia of your basic sleazeball kiss- 
and-tell journalists. She kisses, they tell. 
But her stock in trade remains the men 
and boys of summer: Pete Rose, Fred 
Lynn, Lance Parrish, George Brett 
(twice), Steve Garvey, Don Mattingly, 
John Candelaria, Nolan Ryan and Otto 
Velez, who, not long after the magic 
moment—he must have read Paradise 
Lost—upped and retired from his game. Then there's Mike 
Schmidt, who to this day insists hc got smooched by a Mor- 
ganna impostor. ("Mike probably wants seconds," says Mor- 
ganna.) 

All have felt the lollipop lips of Morganna brush their 
cheeks and then . . . alas. and then move on to other cheeks, 


When Morganna met Kareem 
(above) she 
worried that "they could have. 
injured him. 1 also tried to 
tell him that my kiss wouldn't 
grow hair оп a bald head!" 


Abdul-Jabbar 


other parks. Having attempted a sneak 
attack last August on the Cubs’ Ryne 
Sandberg—she was intercepted on the 
pitcher’s mound during the first inning 
of the first night game at Wrigley Field, 
hauled off to the slammer, booked and 
fingerprinted before being released 
amid the shutter-popping dazzle of po- 
lice-force Polaroids—Morganna has ex- 
panded her puckered-and-delivered 
roster to players from more than 20 
teams. A picture of her reaching high 
on her tiptoes to kiss Frank Howard 
of the Washington Senators actually 
hangs in the Hall of Fame in Coopers- 
town. The Washington Senators are no 
longer with us; Morganna—please 
keep your gasping to a low wail as 
you peruse some of the portraits here—obviously, still very 
much is. 

But let's not make molehills out of mountains. Morganna's 
self-description: “The chest of Dolly Parton, the face of Loni 
Anderson, the legs of Colonel Sanders." Miss Parton? C'mon. 
The score is 9-5 before the national anthem starts. All 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


ю 


Ld 


ТӨР 1 / 


PELA BOF 


seriousness aside, folks, if Dolly is, say a 
D cup. Morganna whups her in the tale 
of the tape by six sizes. We're talking I 
here. Oh-me-oh-m 

Everything's relative, of course. Mor- 
ganna says that if nudity were wrong, 
wed all have been born in trench coats. 
She savs no religious group or women's 
lib organization has ever protested 
against her—whats the big deal? She 
couldn't burn her bra, anyway, or half the 
major leagues would go up in smoke. 
Naturally, she must have those undergar- 
ments specially made—by the same guy 
"who builds domed stadiums," according 
to Morganna, who calls her show clothes 
"skimpy attire." She calls her show not 
exotic dancing. not stripping but "a cele- 
bration of bobbing." 

Morganna and her husband, Bill Cot- 
trell, as plain, uncomplicated and down 
to earth a couple as any dastardly duo in 
the eye of a maelstrom has ever been, аге 
rabid TV watchers, especially of TV 
comedy They are constantly trying to 
one-up each other in dialog borrowed 
from Saturday Night Live's inveterate 
fibber, Jon Lo ‘Yeah, that's it,” Mor- 
ganna says in wide-eyed imitation of 
Lovitz. “That's the ticket. I'm Morganna, 
the baseball showgirl, and 1 kissed Babe 
Ruth апа Ty Cobb . . . yeah, sure... and 
then I, uh, 1 married George М. Cohan 
and went to live in, let's say Oahu, yeah, 
Oahu, and then I invented the mi- 
crowave oven. Yeah, and these aren't real- 
ly breasts, they're, uh, wings . . . yeah, 
wings . - . filled with helium . . . yeah, 
that's it. Thats the ticket." 

Dallas Times Herald, August 3, 1984. 
“Metro Roundup.” "MORGANNA BUSTED”: 


Morganna Roberts, known as 
“Morganna, the Kissing Bandit,” 
was arrested Thursday night at a 
Dallas night club on a public-lewd- 
ness complaint. Police said Ms. 
Roberts, 33, of Columbus, Ohio, was 
arrested after allegedly beating a 
customer over the head with her 
breasts during a striptease perform- 
ance at about 11:30 рм. at 105 for 
Gentlemenat 9410 Marsh Lane. The 
customer, identified as Kenneth 
Crowder, was arrested on the same 
complaint for allegedly cooperating 
with the stunt, police said. 


Talkin’ baseball, dum-de-dum. 

Well, you can imagine how Bowie 
Kuhn might have reviewed this perform- 
ance over his morning croissants, remem- 
bering how he once rode in a convertible 
with this same Morganna Roberts at a lit- 
tle-league parade. Or how Peter Ueber- 
roth might have felt out there at the old 
Olympic games as he contemplated the 
changes inherent in a major lifestyle. 
switch from Joan Benoit lap times to 


Morganna Roberts' lap. Not to mention 
what those coconuts would do to his 
chances of getting elected President of 
the United States. Might Morganna even 
have the chakskas to kiss a commission- 
er? A President? A. Bartlett Giamatti? 
George Bush? Who might be next? God 
and Presidents . . . and Morganna . . . at 
Yale? 

You can imagine, too, how Joe Bob 
Briggs, Big D's notoriously sensitive 
drive-in critic, was rankled by that 1984 
affair, which he claimed to be witness 
to. He variously described Мограппаз 
two enormous talents as "nuclear garban- 
тоу... мете talking deadly weapons 
those bazookas . . . those hooters.” Joe 
Bob said he didn't think they were even 
legal unless "you mount yellow warning 
flags on both sides for oncoming traffic." 
Also, he pictured Morganna's anatomy 
as “unlicensed atomic duffel bags un- 
leashed on an unsuspecting public." Un- 
suspecting? Under what rock has Joe 
Bob been living? "Not many people know. 
it, but more Americans die every year 
from breast attacks than get killed in 
their bathtubs. 1/5 one of those facts we 
don't like to think about. I'm sorry,” the 
critic concluded, “but Morganna has got 
to learn to either find a leash big enough 
for those B-59s or else get a safe-deposit 
box at Fort Knox and keep 'em under 
armed guard at all times We don't want 
another Three Mile Island. . . . If Mor- 
ganna turns sideways, the world disap- 
pears.” 

Of course, Morganna was found inno- 
cent, cleared and freed of all charges by 
Judge John Orvis, known ironically by lo- 
cals as “the hanging judge.” Moreover, 
no sooner did she get off than she merri- 
ly stepped out of the courtroom and in- 
vited the public to “come and see exhibits 
А and B." The bad publicity—well, bad 
in some precincts—was the thing. Mor- 
ganna considered all that ink negative 
when it got back to her adopted home 
town of Columbus, where the wire re- 
ports zeroed in on the "public lewdness.” 
Thenagain, when she opened the follow- 
ing baseball season, both barrels firing, 
by brashly announcing she would crash 
the Houston Astrodome to kiss Nolan 
Ryan, more than 40,000 spectators 
showed up. On opening day a year later, 
sans Мограппа% dual promotions, the 
"Stros drew 23,000. 

One mercy victim, Seaule Mariners 
catcher Steve Yeager, had always polled 
high in Morgannas consumer research 
when he was with the Dodgers and, sure 
enough, our heroine finally nabbed him 
on opening day in 1986. When the TV. 
screens relayed the kiss to thunderous 
ovations, ` Morganna thought she'd 
slugged a grand slam; Yeager was ecstat- 
ic. "It was entertaining and 1 enjoyed it," 


he said. “I'm glad it happened to me in 
my career." 

Yeager had been with the opposition 
Dodgers in Houston on opening day in 
1985, when Morganna created her first 
and only twin killing by kissing the As- 
tros Ryan and Dickie Thon, so he knows 
what it feels like to be left out. So does the 
Angels poor Bobby Grich, who once was 
quoted as saying his most embarrassing 
moment as a ballplaver came the night he 
waited for the onrushing Morganna with 
bated cheek, only to watch her pass him 
by and kiss teammate Fred Lynn. That 
was in 1983. Lynn struck out on three 
pitches and proceeded to bat three for 
40. But later that season, he hit the only 
grand-slam home run in All-Star-game 
history. It took Lynn a while to get his eye 
back. “After seeing Morganna,” he said, 
“the ball looked like a pencil dot.” 

“Listen, I don't try to offend or humili- 
ate anybody” says Morganna. “I had 
Dale Murphy on my list until I found out 
he would be sincerely embarrassed by а 
kiss. I read where Dale doesn't even pose 
for pictures with girls. 

“I try to stay on the good side of the 
wives, too.” Morganna says. “Fred Lynn's 
wife had a T-shirt made commemorating 
his kiss. Nolan Ryan . . . you may remem- 
ber that Nolies wife publicly thanked 
me. I understand Don Mattinglys wife 
was furious, but Don's family is from 
Evansville. I know his dad, Bill, and he 
loved the idea. He says if I don’t get Don, 
he'll volunteer his own face. So I may 
come up with something special for the 
missus.” 

For all of Могваппаз warmth, joyful- 
ness, cheery disposition and indomitable 
munificence—she has appeared а 
benefits and does more charity work than 
you can bump а grind at—Mrs. Marting- 
ly, Mr. Gibson or anyone else who may 
dare to cross her should realize he will be 
dealing with one rough. street-tough 
momma, a survivalist supreme who 
knows how to dish it out, probably be- 
cause she had to take it for so long. 

Not long after she was born, Morgan- 
na’s father, Dean Rose, separated from 
her mother and eventually became a key 
grip in Hollywood at the Hal Roach Stu- 
dios. Her mother quickly abandoned the 
child, so other relatives had to pass her 
around like an old umbrella. 

Itkept on raining. Born with a bad kid- 
ney, Morganna had to have it removed at 
the age of five and almost died. Item for 
Ripley's: Throughout her grade school 
years at Mount Mercy, a boarding school 
for girls in Peewee Valley, Kentucky. to 
which her grandmother, Virginia Black- 
erby, had shipped her, Morganna was un- 
derdeveloped. Everywhere but between 
her neck and navel. 

Morganna was already half-stacked at 

(continued on page 152) 


"I got an A-plus in ту sex-education class, Dad." 


LOVE & SEX: 


IHE BOOK OF 


By GREGORY STOCK 


LOVE AND SEX can be magically sim- 
ple or maddeningly complex. We але 
always encouraged lo talk things 
over with our partners. Sometimes, 
however, we ask the wrong questions 
of them and of ourselves. Gregory 
Stock, whose best-selling “The Book 
of Questions” helped sharpen our 
skills at asking just the right ques- 
tions, has turned his attention to im- 
ponderables that are close to our 
hearts. This is not a quiz; there are 
no right answers. Your answers may 
tell you something new about your- 
self And that will give you some- 
thing new to share. 


*How much of your enjoy- 
ment of sex is involved with giv- 
ing pleasure to your partner? 
Could you enjoy yourself if you 
knew your partner took little 
pleasure in the experience? 


«When was the last time you 
had so much fun while making 
love that vou actually laughed? 
If you had to make your love- 
making more playful or more 
serious, which would you want? 


*Would vou rather have an 
attractive spouse who was dis- 


appointing in bed or a plain- 
looking one fantastic in bed? 


«If, during the next month, 
you could have the power to 
hear your partners every 
thought when you made love, 
would you want to? Why? 
Would it upset you to have your 
partner hear your thoughts? 


*Have you remained close 
friends with any former lovers? 
Jf not, would you like to have 
done so? 


“Looking back on past ro- 
mances, have you ever won- 
dered what you saw in an 
ex-lover? If so, in what ways was 
it because you had changed, 
and in what ways was it because 
you had grown to see the per- 
son more clearly? 


«When you dont feel particu- 
larly amorous, will you still have 
sex with your partner? If so, 
does this now occur more or less 
frequently than it used to? 


‘If a perfect contraceptive 
were developed and all venere- 
al diseases disappeared, how 
would you change your sexual 
behavior? 


«What do you think makes a 
great lover? How much of your 
attention in lovemaking is di- 


QUESTIONS 


rected toward pleasing your 
partner and how much toward 
pleasing yourself? 


*Would you like to see inu- 
mate journals and letters your 
lover had written during a ro- 
mance that had taken place long 
before you knew each other? If 
so, why? What sorts of things 
could you imagine learning 
about such a relationship that 
would undermine the love you 
now feel? 


‘If your lover lost interest in 
sex, how long would it take to 
cause difficulties in your rela 
tionship? Assume that the 
change results from something 
unrelated to your feelings for 
each other; for example, wor- 
ries about financial problems. 


*How promiscuous would 
you be if you knew your mate 
would give you—without re- 
sentment—any sexual freedom 
you asked for and still be as 
faithful as you wished? 


*]f every day next year you 
had an extra hour, would you 
rather spend it with your part- 
ner or Бү yourself? Assume that 
it must be one or the other. 


*Have you ever been in love 
with someone you knew you 
could not trust? If you found 
yourself in such an involvement, 
do you think you would try to 
leave and have enough self-con- 
trol to do so? 


*Men: Have you ever had a 
traumatic experience as the 


result of being unable to get an 
erection? If so. what was your 
biggest concern at the time? 
How would you like to have 
a parmer behave in such a sit- 
uation? Women: What goes 
through your mind when you 
suspect that your partner is not 
going to get an erection? Have 
vou ever had an unpleasant 
lovemaking experience because 
this happened? If so, what was 
worst about the experience? 


«In the early phases of а ro- 
mance, how much are you 
influenced by your friends’ and 
family’s opinions of your part- 
ner? Do you seek more or less 
advice about your relationships 
than about other things? In af- 
fairs of the heart, is outside 
opinion less valuable because 
your feelings are individual in 
nature or more valuable be- 
cause it's hard to be objective? 


‘If your spouse were having 
an affair and broke it off as soon 
as you found out, would it de- 
stroy your relations] If not, 
how do you think it might 
change things? 


"If you had to choose some- 
thing new for your partner to 
do when making love to you, 
what would it be? What does 
your lover think excites you 
more than it actually does? 


* When did you find out the 
most about what pleases you 
sexually and what did you 
learn? Have you discovered 
more through long-standing re- 
lationships or through shorter 
periods of intimacy with differ- 
ent lovers? 


* If you became attracted to а 
close friend and neither of you 
were involved with anyone else, 
do you think sex would jeop- 
ardize your friendship? 


* What is the most unpleasant 
(concluded on page 169) 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEPHEN TURK 


` 
13 
Ы 
Lj 
* 
> 
[3 
* 
* 
> 
* 
. 
* 
* 


P ай 


ГІЛІ 


ayor's extraordinary ех 


ESPITE THE FACT that Reno, Nevada, 
ranks internationally as a mecca for gamblers, matrimony remains its most popular 
spectator sport. First it was quickie divorces for out-of-towners; now that divorce laws 
in other states have caught up to Nevada's liberal standard, the city of 126,000 has 
turned the tables and issues 
about 35000 marriage 
licenses every year—95 
percent of them to out- 
of-staters. A lot of people 
just like to get married in 
this capital of glitz. Like 
the mayor. He liked it so 
much, he did it three 
times—twice to the same 
lady. Indeed, nothing has 
excited Вепоѕ matrimoni- 
al fever more than the 
stormy union of its twice- 
married, — twice-divorced 
first couple, Mayor Pete 
Sferrazza and—as the lo- 
cal newspapers put it—his 


leggy blonde wife, Leslie, 


the sizzling subject of the 4 м 
photographs on the next Matrimony isn't Reno's only game; 50 percent of Reno's taxes 
few pages. At the time of flow from the casino industry. At left, with the city's slogan over 


her head, the former first lody visits downtown Reno. Rov- 


Leslie and Pete's first mar- lette grabs her attention at the Peppermill Hotel Casino, above. 


riage in 1986, each had 

been married once before. Like other good Reno tales—why does The Misfits come to 
mind?— theirs starts in divorce court. Leslie's friend Mayor Sferrazza, a working at- 
torney whose mayoral job is only a part-time one, was handling her case against a 
scion of the Cord auto family. One thing led to another, and as soon as Leslie was sin- 
gle again, she married Pete. All Reno was agog: Its mayor, 41, had teamed up with a 
first lady who, at 22, was close to half his age. “Mayor Pete Sferrazza and his new bride 
will honeymoon at Disneyland,” teased one media gossip. The newlyweds had actually 
gone off to Mexico, which was deemed less than enchanting copy. News stories perked 


up even more after the publication of wedding pictures revealed that the bride wore 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR AND JAMES SCHNEPF 


131 


=S 


LITIO 
MR. AND MRS. MAYOR: Reno Mayor Pete Sierrazza and the former. 
у Sunday at the Wingfield House in 


both bride and groom. 


First lady of 


if 
m 


НШІ 


arescit am tope ш рле ді 
тшш 
[Er vu эши ue 


Reno mayor, Mrs. 
fix error of divorce 
Nevadans on 


willowy blond com] 


inion. 
Puzzled and goaded by my friends, 


who told me, “Melton, you're 


Sferrazzas granted 
second divorce 


? Reno Mayor Pete Sferrazza, 43, 
and wife Leslie, 24, were granted 
à divorce Wednesday in Washoe 
District Court. 

' Judge Peter Breen granted the 
tlivorce after a five-hour hearing 
that was closed to the public upon 
the request by the mayor's 
attorney, John Ohlson. 

1 This is the second time the 
couple has divorced. Their first 
marriage lasted 14 months. 

| After the first divorce, Mrs. 
Sferrazza married a Reno 


eno Gazette-Journal 


| Sferrazzas' relationship erupts again 


ETE. | 
ea; 
vies porary retaining a Ni 


iiem, 


ee id 


E кетері 91 ма nev fanr Homes, 
Еч mero Ree 
erreurs ar s marear ie 


Bern re Сыл 
ca تالت‎ 5 


braces. Love—who сап ех- 
plain it? As first lady, Leslie 
inherited ап exhausting 
tour of duties: nonstop vol- 
unteering for community 
work, journeying around 
the country with Pete for 
his work on the advisory 
board for the U.S. Confer- 
ence of Mayors and cam- 
paigning all over the 
state—Pete was running 
for Congress "It meant 
traveling through cow 
towns for days," she says 
with a groan. "Once, we 
had seven campaign din- 
ners in one night. One was 
country-and-western, the 
next was ultraformal, and 
so forth. | had to change 
my clothes in the car and 
in closets. It was not exact- 
ly the giddy, glamorous life 
опе may imagine. You have 
to knock on doors from 
nine in the morning until 
eight at night. And you 
travel everywhere” There 
was the night, for example, 
that the campaign went to 
Lovelock during Frontier 
Days and every hotel was 
full. The Sferrazzas holed 
up in a dirt-floored shack, 
with garbage bags for a 


mattress. Not surprisingly, 


At left, a brief history of the Sfer- 
rorzas’ matrimonial capers, 05 
told by the local newspapers, be- 
ginning with their marriage in 
October 1986 [note Leslie's or- 
thodontio) and concluding with 
their second divorce. At right, 
leslie escapes from all that to 
relax at scenic Lake Tahoe, which 
is а half hour's drive from Reno. 


the Sferrazzas’ marriage eventually hit rough ground. In early 1988, to the delight of 
Renos headline writers, it ended—fór a while at least—in divorce court. But some 
habits are hard to break. Within a few months, Leslie married Dr. William Ford, a 
Reno surgeon. The marriage, Leslie's third, lasted 45 days. That's when she divorced 
Dr. Ford and remarried Pete—all within six hours. Got all that? Good. There's more. 
Six months later, the first couple was back in court. The mayor filed for divorce and 
Leslie discovered another liability of being married to a politician—not one Reno at- 
torney would take her case. So she represented herselí—and won what she considers a 
satisfactory settlement. While а divorce decree has been handed down on grounds of 


incompatibility, the couple has refrained from having it filed. At technically three 


divorces and counting, Leslie now has some decisions to make, but she admits to hav- 


ing no regrets. "I have absolutely nothing to hide,” she says boldly. Hence, our lovely 
pictorial. "I am honored to be doing Playboy. This could be very good for our city" 
says Leslie, adding one last thought: “In the future, 1 hope the voters of Reno are smart 
enough to vote on Peters political, not his personal, life. He's been a fine politician." 
Would she vote for him? “Yes.” Somehow, we suspect this isn't the end of the story. 


"уе been dumped on in Reno because of my age and because m blonde,” says Leslie Slerrazzn of her 
troubles as first lady. "My husbands have been the only men in my life. I've never slept with anyone 
else. Most twenty-live-yonr-old women nowadays have had c hell of c lot more men than three" 


PLAYBOY 


138 


PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST УУ, 


“Lets face it. The Patriots have had a complex ever 
since the Bears blew them out in Super Bowl ХХ.” 


too, and thats where Kelly and wide re- 
ceivers Andre Reed and Trumaine John- 
son fit in. The Bills also got a break when 
they picked up running back Kenneth 
Davis from Green Bay during the free- 
agency madness 

Keys to winning: Kelly doesn't have to 
be the world's greatest quarterback, only 
one who makes few mistakes and doesnt 
get hurt. Sull and Smerlas need to wring 
another season out of their aging bodies. 
Bruce Smith has to stay clear of the sub- 
stance-abuse problem that resulted їп 
a fourgame suspensic nally, coach 
Mary Levy must resist the temptation to 
rely on the run instead of the pass. Good 
g and a great defense spell Super 


If the Indianapolis Colts hadn't stum- 
bled coming out of the blocks last season 
(1-5), they would most certainly have 
made the play-offs. In fact, they finished as 
strong as any team in the N.EL., with wins 
in cight of their last ten games 

In the off season, coach Ron Meyer 
hired six new assistant coaches, dropped 
the Colts. pursue-and-contain defense in 
favor of a more aggressive multiple-front 
philosophy and allowed Gary nata 


Hogeboom will be re- 
placed by the winner of the training-camp 
competition between Jack ‘Trudeau and 
last season's rookie success Chris Chandler. 


he Colts look mean on both sides of the 
line with All Pros Chris Hinton and Ray 
Donaldson on the offensive side, Jon Hand 
and Donnell Thompson on the defensive 
front, The linebackers, led by Duane Bick- 
eu and Fredd Young, should assert them- 
selves more in the new defensive scheme. 

And, of course, the Colts have Fric. 
Dickerson won his fourth rushing title last 
year and in 1989 will likely become the 
first running back in N.EL. history to have 
seven consecutive 1000-yard seasons. 

Keys to winning: Integrate speedy wide 
receiver Andre Rison, the Colts’ number- 
one draft pick, into the offense. Do a better 
job of protecting the quarterback to keep 
the Q.Bs happy, healthy and productive. 
Get a quick магі so they don't have to play 
catch-up, as they did last year. And keep 
opening those holes up front for Eric. 

Let's face it. The New England Patriots 
have had a complex ever since the Bears 
blew them out in Super Bow! XX. The Pa- 
triots, quite simply, were outmuscled. So 
coach Raymond Berry set the goal: “We 
want to be as physical as the most physical 
[read the Bears] N.EC. t On October 
30, 1988, Berry got his wish. The Patriots 
trounced the Bears 30-7, a loss that some 
belicve contributed to Mike Ditka's heart 


attack. 

A good part of the Patriots’ success in 
that game and last season was rookie run- 

ing back John Stephens. Stephens, who 
n't break into the starting line-up until 
game three, placed second in the A.EC. in 
rushing, with 1168 yards. His success was 
aided by offensive linemen Sean Farrell, 
Bruce Armstrong and Ron Wooten. 

If the Patriots were so physical and 
Stephens ran so well, how come they won 
only nine games? Blame a passing attack 
that was next to last in the N.EL. Quarter- 
back Tony Eason, still troubled by a scpa- 
rated shoulder suffered in 1987, started 
only two games. Doug Flutie did well 
enough to lead the Pats to victory against. 
the Bears (and five other opponents), but 
Berry didn't trust him to throw more than 
the occasional pass. 

Keys to winning: A healthy Tony Eason 
would help tremendously The Patriots 
need good rookie years from wide receiver 
Hart Lee Dykes and tight end Marv Cook. 
Aging receiver Stanley Morgan and cor- 
nerback Raymond Clayborn have to come 
up with onc more good year each. 
ryone knows that the Miami Dol- 
us uced defense, Yer when their first 
pick in the draft came around, coach Don 
hula and staff opted for running back 
nmie Smith. It looked like a bad move 
until the Bears inexplicably traded their 
number-one pick to Miami for the Dol- 
phins second- and third-round picks 
Result: The Dolphins got the of 
the draft, defensive back Lo Oliver, 
a man with a safetys speed and а line- 
backer’s body, 

The Dolphins had already bolstered 
their linebacking corps with the addition 
of E. J. Junior from Phoenix. With All Pro 
linebacker John Offerdahl back and free 
safety Jarvis Williams, Shula rounded out 
his plan of restor 10 Miami's 
tarnished defen 

On offense, Miami continues to rely on 
quarterback Dan Marino and the Mark 
brothers, Duper and Clayton. And why 
not, since this trio led Miami to another 
season as the top passing team in the 
N.EL. (4557 yards)? 

Shula, however, hasn't solved all his 
problems. The Dolphins are still looking 
for a pass rush, particularly since defensive 
end John Bosa’s knee injury. And the run- 
ning game has to be brought into balance 
with the pas 

Keys to wi must 
find a way to shore up the defensive line 
Sammie Smith has to live up to his first- 
round billing and stay healthy. The offen- 
sive line, great at pass protection, must fire 
out on the rushing plays. And Miami's 


place kicker, Faud Reveiz, must become 
more consistent, 

When it comes to pure entertainment, 
the New York Jets are tough to beat. Unfor- 
tunately, the entertainment often takes 
place somewhere other than on the foot- 
ball ficld. Take, for example, the Jets’ of- 
ive defensive end Mark Gastin He 
s wife and impregnated actress 
Brigitte Nielsen, not necessarily in that 
order. In October, he quit the team to 
take care of Nielsen, who reportedly had 
cancer. She didnt, and then they split. 
"They have since reconciled, but Gastineau 
and the Jets have not. The Jets won't play 
Gastineau, and other teams wont trade for 
him because of his high salary and ques- 
tionable dedication to the game. 

Then there was the case of the mysteri- 
ous first draft choice. The Jets, to the 
amusement of everyone at the draft but 
their fans, took lincbacker Jeff Lageman 
with the Mth pick in the first round— 
while players such as Louis Oliver and Bill 
Hawkins were still on the board. Lage- 
тап, who may turn out to be a decent play- 
er, would almost certainly still have been 
available in round two. Oh, well, that’s en- 
tertainment. 

On the field, the Jets continue to be nei- 
ther good nor bad, ‘Typically, they start fast 
(16-8 for the first four games of the season 
since 1983) and then fade. Last year, they 
won three of their first four and finished 
strong with victories over Indianapolis and 
the Giants. Butin the middle of the season, 
they lost five of seven. 

‘The problem for the Jets lies more with 
the defense than with the offense. You 
can't play any better than .500 with a de- 
fense that was 23rd out of 28 teams. 
There's some hope with young players 
such as linebacker Alex Gordon and 1988 
Defensive Rookie of the Year Erik McMil- 
lan at free safety. But Marty Lyons is get- 
ting long in the tooth at right end and Paul 
Frase, who replaced Gastineau, plays the 
run beuer than the p: 

The Jets are solid at quarterback with 
Ken O'Brien and Pat Ryan. They have 
three quality running bac Freeman 
McNeil, Johnny Hector and Roger Vick. 
And, of course, Al Toon and Wesley Walk- 
er are great downfield threats. 

Keys to winning: The Jets must hope 
they really knew something no one else did 
about Lageman. They must find a pass 
rusher for the defensive line. Does anyone 
know what Brigitte is up to these days? 


CENTRAL DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Cleveland Browns. 
Houston Oilers. 
Cincinnati Bengals 
Pittsburgh Steelers . . 


Last year was supposed to be the Cleve- 
land Browns year to take 
talented and tough bunch of hungry veter- 
ans, the right coach in Marty Schouen- 
heimer, and they had Bernic Kosar. But а 


Dingo.Thechoice of those famous for thinking on theirfeet. 


They're pro quarterbacks Boomer Esiason and Frank Reich, and AI 
these guys are famous for making smart moves. ү 
Like wearing Dingo boots. Dingo's classic styling and comfort 
make them the overwhelming pick of men like Boomer and Frank. 

So before you buy a new pair of boors, ask some real movers and 


shakers about Dingo. They'll tell you—some of в 
America's best moves are made in our boots. 


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PLAYBOY 


140 


funny thing happened on the way to the 
Super Bowl. Kosar hurt his elbow in week 
one. Replacement Gary Danielson broke 
his ankle. His replacement, Mike Pagel, 
separated his shoulder. Kosar came back 
only to go down in week 15 with a knee in- 
jury. And, finally, Don Strock injured his 
wrist in the Browns wild-card play-off 
game. 

The disappointment was evidently too 
much for owner Art Modell, who proceed- 
ed to force out Schottenheimer, one of the 
best coaches in the league, in a disagree- 
ment over who should be the offensive co- 
ordinator. He then hired former New York 
Jets defer coordinator Bud Carson as 
new head coach, and Carson has brought 
in what may be called an aggressive sort of 
attitude by calling on the players “to play 
their asses off every game.” 

"There werc lots of new faces in training 
camp. The Browns lost 14 players and ac- 
quired ten in Plan B. Veteran defensive 
stalvart Bob Golic is gone, as well as punt- 
er Max Runager The Rrowns traded 
linebacker Mike Junkin, а number-one 
pick a couple of years ago, to Kansas Cil 
Also traded was running back Earnest 
Byner, who couldn't live down "the fum- 
ble" against Denver in the A.EC. cham- 
pionship two years ago. Cleveland's chance 
at the gold ring may have slipped by. 

Keysto winning: The Browns have to do 
a better job of protecting Kosar. Wide re- 
ceiver Lawyer Tillman, a second 
pick this year, will need to convert q 
to tight end to back up the aging Ozzic 
Newsome. Kevin Mack, a two-time Pro 
Bowler, will have to stay healthy, since the 
running-back corps is thin. 

When Houston Oilers fans nicknamed 
the Astrodome the House of Pain, they 
weren't anticipating the groans that would 
resound from the Oilers’ management 
during the off season, when 15 unprotect- 
ed players left for greener Astroturf. The 
rule of Plan B is the more talent you have, 
the more you stand to lose. Houston, one 
of the N.EL’s most talented teams top to 
bottom, was a big loser. 

The Chicago Bears then tried to ade 
sult to injury by offering a five-year, 
$4,750,000 offer sheet to Oilers defensive 
end Ray Childress, Houston's protected 
but unsigned defensive end. New Houston 
general manager Mike Holovak lost no 
time in matching the offer and keeping 
Childress at home. 

The Oilers’ most colorful character is 
coach Jerry Glanville, even though he 
dresses only in black. Glanville regularly 
leaves tickets at the Oilers’ box office for 
Elvis, loves James Dean movies and teaches 
his team to hustle, pursue and hit hard. 
The Oilers have improved each year under 
his direction, though they showed a dis- 
turbing inconsistency last year, being 
blown out by the Jets (45—3) and beaten at 
home by Pittsburgh (37—54). 

Keys to winning: Thereare holes to plug 
at tight end and safety because of losses to 
free agency. The Oilers have tremendous. 


depth at running back with Mike Rozier, 
Allen Pinkett, Lorenzo White and Alonzo 
Highsmith, but, as with most contenders, 
they can't afford an injury at the quarter- 
back spot, where Warren Moon missed five 
games last season because of a fractured 
shoulder blade. 

Could the Cincinnati Bengals have been 
that bad in 1987, when they went 4—11, or 
that good last year, when they murdered 
the opposition for the first half of the sea- 
son and then hung tough to get all the way 
to Super Bowl XXIII? As coach Sam 
Wyche said, "We had our backs against the 
wall; much to prove, fans to regain, pride 
to restore and jobs to save.” Boomer and 
the boys proved they had the IN.EL.'s most 
potent scoring machine (448 points, 6057 
combined net yards gained) and the job 
they saved was Sam's. 

Now the problem will be to repeat last 
year's performance. The Bengals still have 
the biggest and most ferocious offensive 
line in pro football, led by АЙ Pro veterans 
Anthony Munoz and Max Montoya. 
Boomer Esiason, the N.EL's M.VP in 
1988, should be recovered from a shoulder 
problem that limited his effectiveness dur- 
ing the final games of last season. Ickey 
Woods, the league's best dancer, is still try- 
ing to shake off Ronnie Lott's first-quarter 
Super Bowl hit that effectively took him 
out of the game. In the meantime, James 
Brooks remains the Bengals less mar- 
ketable but more valuable back. 

Keys to winning: Wyche will have to es- 
chew the conservative ball-control tactics 
he went to late last season and let quarter- 
back Esiason and speed receivers Eddie 
Brown and Tim McGee do their thing. On 
defense, the Bengals hope nose guard Tim 
Krumrie can return to form after break- 
ing his leg and ruining everyone's Super 
Bowl appetite. 

You'd think that a 5—11 record such as 
the one the Pittsburgh Steelers had last 
season would draw a team an easy sched- 
ule this season. But to coach Chuck Noll's 
dismay, the Steelers, with memories of the 
Bradshaw-—Mean Joe Greene days growing 
dim, must face no fewer than eight oppo- 
nents in 1989 who won ten or more games 
last season. 

And Noll, who is well aware that coach- 
ing legends get fired just like everyone else 
if they fail to win, doesn't have enough tal- 
ent yet to turn things around. The offen- 
sive line was thin even before center Mike 
Webster signed with Kansas City. The de- 
fensive line, which had only ten and a half 
sacks all season in 1988, didn't get any help 
in the draft. And linebacker Mike Merri- 
weather was finally traded to Minnesota 
after a contract holdout. 

Noll does have a few bright spots. Bubby 
Brister at quarterback, who had a decent 
first season as a starter, will contribute 
more as he matures. Number-one draft 
choice Tim Worley, a running back out of 
Georgia, will ramble. Wide receiver Louis 
Lipps is onc of the lcague's best when he 
isn't hurt. 


Keys to winning: Considering the talent 
and the schedule, it's unrealistic to expect 
very many wins from this Steelers team. 
Noll will have to find a way to bolster his 
offensive and defensive lines before the 
Steelers can again be competitive in the 
A.EC. Central. 


WESTERN DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE. 
Los Angeles Raiders. 


Denver Broncos. 

Seattle Seahawks. 

Kansas City Chiefs - 

Sen Oiego Chargers... .. . 


If the pieces fall together, the Los Ange- 
les Raiders could be the surprise team of 
1989. Second-year coach Mike Shanahan 
should be over his rookie jitters. And own- 
er Al Davis is finally out of the courts and 
able to concentrate on football operations. 

Atquarterback, Jay Schroeder and Steve 
Beuerlein are blessed with plenty of receiv- 
ers. Tim Brown, Willie Gault and James 
Lofton, plus Marcus Allen and Bo Jackson 
coming out of the backfield, give the 
Raiders enough talent to hold their own 
Super Stars competitior 

The offensive line, in disarray much of 
last year because of injuries, looks espe- 
cially improved, with the addition of free 
agent Dale Hellestrae. 

On defense, Howie Long, hampered 
most of last season with a calf injury, will 
return, along with sack leader Greg 
"Townsend (11). 

The lincbackers, Matt Millen and Jerry 

Robinson, arc both over 30. The Raiders 
picked up former Bear Otis Wilson, who 
can help tremendously if he has recovered 
from last season's knee injury. 
: Hope that the Kansas 
City Royals don't make the play-offs so that 
Bo Jackson shows up while a few leaves re- 
main on the trees. Protect the quarterback 
long enough to get Brown and Gault down 
the field. Get another year out of 36-year- 
old cornerback Mike Haynes. 

As the Denver Broncos have learned, 
even if you have a franchise quarterback 
(John Elway) and a competent, highly 
competitive head coach (Dan Reeves), you 
don’t stay on top unless you draft well. The 
Broncos, with back-to-back Super Bowl ap- 
pearances in 1987 and 1988, fell into the 
middle of the heap last season at 8-8 
Drafts such as last year's number-one pick, 
nose guard Ted Gregory, who reported to 
training camp 20 pounds underweight 
and with a limp because of an injured 
knee, are the reason. 

Reeves has restructured his coaching 
staff, bringing in Wade Phillips to replace 
Joe Collier as defensive coordinator. But 
the Broncos have a talent problem on de- 
fense that no coach can solve in one sea- 
son. Pass rusher Rulon Jones is 31 and Karl 
Mecklenburg, hurt much of last year, has 
his best seasons behind him. 

On offense, Elway is still a master, 


Everything else is just a light. 


€ това Anheuser-Buscn. Inc. St. Louis. Mo. 


PLAYBOY 


142 


whether passing or scrambling. The re- 
ceiving trio of Vance Johnson, Mark 
son and Ricky Nattiel is one of the best 
But Tony Dorsett, brought over from the 
Cowboys to pump some excitement 


шо 


the running game, doesnt fit in well with 
the shotgun 
Keys to winning: Hope that Meckl 


nd « to stop 
the run. Make defense a priority in nest 
5 draft and hope that Phillips can re- 
build a semblance of the old Orange Crush 
before Elway gets bored. 

Ken Behring, the second-year owner of 
the Seattle Seahawks, spent most of his en- 
ergy and money in the off season engine 
ing front-office moves. He fired general 
manager Mike McCormack and brought 
minority stockholder and former sports 
agent Mike Blatt with the idea of having 
him run the team. When Blatt indicated 
that he had priorities in life other than 
football, Behring hired Tom Flores, the 
former Los Angeles Raiders coach. 

While all this was going on, Seattle lost 
center Blair Bush, tight end Mike Tice 
kick returner Bobby Joe Edmonds to free 
agency It then failed to bolst 
manned defensive line in the d 
ing its first five picks for offense. 

"The Seahawks have excellent depth at 
quarterback, with Dave Krieg, fully re- 


covered from last season's shoulder injury, 
and Kelly Stouffer, who played well in 
six games as Krieg’s replacement. Curt 
Warner and John L. Williams are as good 
as any running-back tandem in the league. 

The question for the Seahawks and 
coach Chuck Knox is how long they can 
continue to play over .500 (0—7 last season) 
while finishing 23rd in the league in of- 
fense and 24th in defense. 

Keys to winning: Get lucky with young 
players replacing proven veterans at cen- 
ter, tight end and kick returner. Seattle has 
to hope ass rusher, Jacob Green, 
ho has 94 career sacks, stays healthy, Un- 
less Knox and Flores can perform mira- 
cles, it may not be quite so noisy in the 
Dome this year. 

The Kansas City Chiefs, with only two 
nning seasons and one play-off appea 
ance in the past 13 years, have a new gener 
al manager. Carl Peterson, and a new head 
coach, Marty Schottenheimer, late of the 
Cleveland Browns. Schouenheimer, bring- 
ing in II new coaches with him, immedi- 
ately called upon the Chiefs to "raise the 
level of expectation of our football team.” 

Schotienheimer will also have to stop 
opponents from running the ball down his 
team’s throat. The Chiefs were dead last in 
the league in rushing defense. The return 
of a healthy Bill Maas at nose tackle will 


s only 


help. And so will the first-round draft 
choice of Derrick Thomas. the best 
linebacker to come out of college since 
Cornelius Bennett. Thomas, teamed with 
Dino Hackeu, gives the Chiefs the begin- 
nings of a good group of linebackers. 

"The Chiefs still have the best defensive 
backfield around. Free safety Deron Cher- 
ry has been to six straight Pro Bowls, and 
Albert Lewis and Lloyd Burruss are al- 
most as good. 

At quarterback, Steve DeBerg has obvi- 
ously been brought in to work his special 

agic. After all, he’s the guy who 
s replaced by Montana at San Francisco, 
Elway at Denver and Testaverde at Tampa 
Bay. For this season, at least, DeBerg will 
play without the sound of younger, more 
talented footsteps in his car. 

At running back, Christian Okoye is in- 
timidating when healthy. Unfortunately, 
that hasnt been very often. The wide- 
receiver tandem of Carlos Carson and 
Stephone Paige is fine, though Carson, at 
30, may have lost a step. 

Keys to winning: Schottenheimer has to 
teach the Chiefs how to stop the run. He 
maintains that run defense is more a ques- 
tion of position than of talent. His theory 
will be sorely tested. With a few more good 
drafts and. Schottenheimer at the helm, 
the Chiefs may yet find their way to being 
competitive, 

The San Diego Chargers new head 
coach, Dan Henning, knows the script. He 
couldn't win without enough talent at At- 
Janta; he won't be able to win for the same 
reason in San Diego. 

The problems start at quarterback. Phe 
Chargers got Mark Malone in a trade from 
Piusburgh. Malone wasn't great in Pitts- 
burgh and he was no better in San Diego. 
They wanted to make a trade with the 
Bears for Jim McMahon, but the deal fell 
through at the last minute when the Bears" 
draft choice wasn't available. 

The Chargers got some good news when 
the Navy reassigned Napoleon McCallum 
toa nine-to-five desk job in San Diego and 
ruled that he could play football on week- 
ends. McCallum, an outstanding running 
back at the Naval Academy, went over from 
the L.A. Raiders in a trade last fall. Hell 
spell running back Gary Anderson, who 
gained 1119 yards for the Chargers last 
season 

On defense, linebacker Billy Ray Smith 
is Pro Bowl material, at least he would be 
on a winning team. Defensive end Leslie 
O'Neal, a great talent sidelined by a bad 
knee injury two years ago, was activated 
midway through son 

The Chargers helped their kicking 
game by picking up Chris Bahr from free 
agency. 

Keys to winning: Beg, borrow or steal a 
quarterback from someone. Hope that the 
team stays injury free. Look to the draft 
next year and be patient. 


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144 


BAD „е 


“In the Gracie family, Rorion says, 
peacocks. The women are along for the ride. 


to separate the cowboys from the Indians. 
"There was always something cool 
the family, always some action. 
puts the photograph down and looks up, 
smiling. “Do you know, my mom and dad 
are still together. My dad spends four days 
a week with her at the ranch and three 
days with his other woman in Rio. It works 
out fine." 

Just then, Suzanne passes through the 
den. She is wearing a baggy sweat shirt 
that does not hide the fact that she is very 
pregnant. She stops at the sliding glass 
door that leads outside and looks at Rori- 
on. He does not notice her. He goes on 
talking about his fathers beliefs about 
men and women and procreation. 

"In the Gracie family” Rorion says, “the 
men are peacocks. Women are along for 
the ride. When my dad and mom went out 
on their first date, my mom smoked a 
cigarette. My dad said, ‘I never kiss a wom- 
an who smokes’ My mom put out her 
cigarette and said, `1 don't smoke.” 


"Women become feminists because of 


men's weakness,” says Rorion. “Every wom- 
an wants her man to treat her like a wom- 
an or he loses his position of strength with 
her. Women are meant to be mothers, Hay- 
g kids is the only thing a woman can do 
that a man can't. Most Gracie men do not 
believe in birth control, We believe sex is a 
holy thing. For procreation of the species. 
If Suzanne does not want to get pregnant, 
we don't have sex. Before we got married, 1 
told her that she was my vehicle for having 
sons. As many as possible. She said, ‘Would 
ten be enough? I want to have sons to keep 
the Gracie myth alive,” says Rorion. “I 
want to raise as many jujitsu champions as 
1 can. We are like a family of Magic John- 
sons. I told Suzanne that it is possible I may 
want to start another family, like my fa- 
ther. If I can find a woman with the right 
karma. But that would be hard. The only 
thing harder to find than a good woman is 
a good man,” Rorion says, laughing. 
“Rorion!” Suzanne's voice, like a rifle 
shot, swivels his head toward the sliding 
glass door. “You can't tell him that!” 
Rorion smiles. “I have to tell him every- 
thing.” 


Suzanne glares at her husband, “He 
wrote it down!” 
5 hard to keep his smile. He 


We'll talk about it later, Su- 
and looks away from her. She 


zanne," 
glares at him, then opens the sliding glass 
door, steps outside and slams the door so 


that the glass rattles in its frame. 
“Women,” Rorion says. “They don't un- 

derstand.” He glances quickly toward the 

door and then back again. He laughs. 
Rorion Gracie first visited the United 


‘the men are 


ووو 


States in 1969, when he was 17 He 
bummed around New York, L.A. and 
Hawaii for a year. He worked in a restau- 
rant and on а construction site, where he 
slept. “I was always the first one on the job 
in the morning," he says. When his 
finances got precarious, he panhandled on 
the street. After years of being protected 
in the Gracie bosom in Rio, he learned to 
live on his own. “1 grew a lot," he says. 
“Trouble only comes to test our reactions 

When Rorion returned to Brazil at the 
end of 1970, he went to college, got a law 
degree, though he has never practiced law, 
got married, had two children and then 
got divorced. In 1979, he decided it was 
time to cut the Gracie umbilical cord and 
return to the States for good to establish 
Gracie jujitsu in the States. 

“I felt there were more opportunities in 
America to spread the word of the Gracie 
myth," he says. “I felt that in Brazil, the 
Gracie family had reached the top and 1 
didn't want to there and live off of my 
father's fame. 

The Gracie myth in Brazil began with 
George Gracie, a blue-eyed Scottish sailor 
who settled in Brazil in the early 1800s. 
His descendants were bankers, diplomats, 
rubber-plantation barons and confidanıs 
of Brazilian emperors. А different kind of 
fame commenced with Carlos and Helio, 
whose fights were the stuff of legends. He- 
lio was the first jujitsu master in the occi- 
dental world to defeat a Japanese master, 
Namiki, in 1932. He challenged any and all 
comers to fight in the ring with him, with- 
out rules, to the death. He fought a man to 
the death, only to have him surrender aft- 
er four minutes. A newspaper story the fol- 
lowing day said that the man had chosen 
ot to die and dubbed him “The Dead 
hickcn." Helio fought Fred Ebert for 14 
rounds of ten minutes each, until the po- 
lice climbed into the ring to separate the 
two combatants, who had broken позе, 
lost teeth, welts over their eyes and blood 
streaming down their faces. The fans riot- 
ed at the halting of the fight. When Helio 
challenged a famous Brazilian boxer 
known as The Drop of Fire to a fight to the 
death, more than 20,000 fans showed up at 
the stadium. Only The Drop of Fire never 
showed, and overnight, the press dubbed 
n The Drop of Fear. Once, Helio dived 
into the turbulent, shark-infested Atlantic 
Ocean to save a man from drowning and 
was given his nation's Medal of Honor for 
his heroism. 

Finally. in early 1951, Helio choked to 
unconsciousne: рап number-two mas- 
ter, Kato, in a fight in Brazil that earned 
him a shot at Japan's premiere jujitsu 
ter, the toughest man їп all the world, 


Kimura. The fight took place in October 
of 1951 before thousands of Brazilian fans. 
. 80 pounds heavier than Helio, 
agreed to the fight only if Helio, who had a 
reputation for never surrendering, would 
ise to tap the mat in surrender if his 
mura was a 
gentleman,” says Rorion, "and he didn't 
like to go to slecp at night dreaming of the 
sound of broken arms.” The fight lasted 13 
minutes. Kimura got Helio ina choke hold 
and noticed blood coming out of Hi 
ear. “You all right?" Kimura said. 
Helio said. "Good," Kimura said, and 
grabbed Helio's head and began to crush it 
like an overripe melon. Carlos threw in the 
towel. 

The next day Kimura appeared at the 
Gracie academy to invite Helio to teach at 
the Imperial Academy of Japan. Even 
though Helio wasn't scheduled to fight, 
Kimura could not guarantee his safety in 
Japan, where the fans often threaten to kill 
non-Japanese masters to maintain their 
monopoly of that martial art. Helio re- 
fused the offer None of the current 
Japanese masters have dared venture to 
Rickson's home turf of Rio. 

"The Brazilian youth had no idols be- 
fore my father" says Rorion. “They felt 
there was nothing important known about 
Brazil. My father gave them hope. Some- 
thing to believe in." 

Rorion was 27 when he decided to come 
to the States to spread the word of the Gra- 
cie myth. He felt that the sced of Gracie ju- 
Jitsu would flourish in the fertile soil of 
America, where men are bigger and 
stronger than in Brazil. He felt that Amer- 
ican men could become a kind of master 
race of jujitsu warriors. Furthermore, he 
felt that men, and their women, too, were 
tired of their world image as the wimps of 
feminism. As proof, he could point to the 
popularity of such American movie actors 
as Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzeneg- 
ger and Chuck Norris, who personified in 
their movies the kind of macho warrior 
that bore a striking resemblance to the 
role: Gracie men in real life in 
Brazil. Only the Gracie men did not need 
bazookas and machine guns. 

Rorion moved to Southern California in 
1979 and began to spread the word of Gra- 

jitsu while trying to support himself 
a strange country. He took a job clean- 
ing houses, He met a woman whose hu 
band was a n producer. “You should 
be in movies,” she told Rorion. Her hus- 
band took him to Central Casting and 
soon he was appearing as an extra in such 
TV series as Hart io Hart, Starsky and 
Hutch and Hotel. Rorion left the house- 
cleaning business and set up а jujitsu mat 
in his garage, where he began to teach stu- 
dents. The youngest was the four-year-old 
son of a movie producer and the oldest, a 
year-old retired Marine general. When 
а movie producer saw his fight against 
Ralph Alegria, the kick boxer, he hired 


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PLAYBOY 


146 


him asa consultant for Lethal Weapon. Ro- 
rion choreographed the final fight scene 
between Mel Gibson and Gary Buscy їп 
that movie. Then he met С 
and began to teach him jujitsu for his 
movie Hero and the Terror. 
While he waited for Graci 
catch on in the States, Rorion busied him- 
self with his movies, his students, demon- 
strations for law-enforcement agencies and 
colleges and an occasional challenge from 
ch bully. He issued а $100,000 cl 
inner take all, to a fight to the 
ally, а few months ago, a produc- 


a 
lenge, w 


death, 


boxer in that movie, who claimed he 
was “the baddest dude in the world,” had 
put up $100,000, winner take all, to fight 
anyone. Rorion accepted the challenge im- 
mediately and then told the producer, 
“First you better tell him who he's going to 
fight.” 

Rorion laughs and says, “I sparred a few 
nes with him before. I was very gentle 
h him. I took him to the mat a few 
nes, showed him some nice choke holds 
and he tapped the mat. Heh-heh." 

"The next day, the producer called back 
aud said that the kick boxer would fight 
Rorion only undcr the following rules: Ro- 
rion had to put up the entire $100,000, the 
fight would consist of ten rounds of five 
minutes each and the two combatants 
could not stay on the mat for more than а 
minute at a time. Rorion laughed. “Bur 
that is not a street fight,” he said. The pro- 
ducer never called him back. 


s in his tidy den in his little 
house on a quiet street in Torrance, Cali- 
fornia, and waits. Suzanne moves silently 
and impassively through the house. She 
washes the lunch dishes in the kitchen 
nk. She says, "Rorion thin! 
start another family." She goes silent. 
In the den, Rorion passes his time 
browsing through the many bool 
azines with stories about 

He holds up pictures of 
his father fighting Kimura and studies 
them. here,” he says, "the choke." He 
memorizes that choke hold and the many 
ts of ie history: the names of long- 
dead ancestors; the dates of famous fights; 
the nicknames of vanquished opponents: 
Dudu, The Elephant, The Drop of Fire, 
The Dead Chicken, Zulu. He glances at his 
g on the 
ig. They grapple, silently, trip onc anoth- 
cr, tap the mat, stand, begin again. He 
looks outside to the garage, where two men 
in kimonos stand in front of the closed 
door. One man opens it to reveal a spotless, 
empty room with a gray mat on the floor. 
There is a photograph of a gaunt, mean- 


eyed old man, his arms folded across his 
reads 


chest, underneath a seal that 
ACADEMIA ЄК АСТЕ. The two men step 
onto the mat, They are barefooted. 
face each other, plant their legs wide, like 
crabs, and begin to circle each other like 
ancient warriors. They circle and circle, 
looking for an opening on this peaceful 
day on this quiet street in Tor 


*No, Willard, jerking off three times a day does 


not necessarily categorize you as 


ually active. . . ." 


JEFF DANIELS 


(continued from page 119) 
there was a girl from Queens sitting be- 
hind me, delivering commentary. When 1 
first appeared on screen, she says, “Он, 
God, hes not cule.” Two thirds of the way 
through, she begins repeating, “What а 
jerk, what a jerk.” And she's loud. At the 
end, she's one of the biggest criers. 
the credits roll and, going up the ai 
put my hand on her shoulder 
“Hope you enjoyed the movie." Then I run 
out. You just know shell never go to a 
movie the same way again. She'll be in те- 
vival houses, looking over her shoulder for 
Steve McQueen. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: After working in two of Woody 
Allen's films, you must have noticed: What 
makes him laugh? 
paniers: In The Purple Rose of Cairo, Y 
and I were dancing in what would be a lit- 
tle montage sequence. We danced їп а cou- 
ple of styles, then Woody said, “Lets do a 
rumba,” And 1 said, “1 don't know how to 
rumba." Mia said she didn't know, er. 
Woody said, “I dont know how" So I 
turned to the camera operator, who was 
this big, very heavy-set guy and said, 
"Dick, do you know how to rumba?” Dick 
just says [very deep, nonchalant voice], "Um 
nota rumba man." And Woody just turned 
and lost it completely, laughing. ГЇЇ never 
forget that. Watching Woody break up. 
My other best memory of Woody also 
happened during Purple Rose. The line 
that I repeat over and over in the movie— 
“Twenty-four hours ago, I was in an Egyp- 
tian tomb, and here I'm now on the verge 
ofa madcap Manhattan weekend"—wasn't 
in the script. Early on, we were doing a 
scene and Woody said, “Were missing 
something here. Could you give me a 
minute?" He goes off to the side and writ 
the line on a scrap of paper, then brings 
over to me. He said, "Could you memorize 
this?” I've still got the piece of paper. I've 
framed it for my new house. 


ГА 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk softball. 


Since you're an 

s 
pitch? 
? And why exactly do 


Sixteen or twelve inch? Fast or slow 
Chicks or no chic 


go 
phenomenon. We use a twelve-inch Thun- 
der, which makes heroes out of Kids. It's 
e hitting a golf ball. 


itch, so these balls are easy рісі 
‚ fat ex-football players who 0 
good game is thirty-six to thirty-four. 
Good softball should be about defense and. 
placing your hits. Scores of ten to eight. 

In the vernacular, we're “no chicks.” Co- 
ed is great nt to go to a picnic on 
s for guys who still think 
itle bit. Everybody is one 


ап play a 


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PLAYBOY 


play away from blowing out a knee. Their 
nds are eighteen and their knees are 


As for the team name, my brother made 
it up. All the other teams in the league are 
named for hardware stores and factories. 
But our theory was that if we ever got 
lucky and won some games, the opposing 
teams would have to say, “Yeah, we got beat 
by the Glams.” Which would be doubly hu- 
miliating. We just wanted to hear other 
people say it, to watch their mouths form 
the word dams. It's not pretty believe me. 


8. 


PLAYBON: Is it true that you carry a Lou 
Piniella baseball card in your wallet? 

paniers: No, but until recently, I carried a 
Yankees wallet that I'd gotten years ago at 
a Father's Day game in New York. And 1 
had Piniella sign the wallet at a Detroit 
sports bar when the Yankees were in town. 
But my most prized possessions are an au- 
tographed Al Kaline-Norm Cash baseball 
and a '68 Kaline trading card. I tracked 
down Kaline recently at a baseball-card 
show in a Detroit suburb. For me, it was. 
kind of like meeung your Maker. I even 
wore his number—six—on my Clams uni- 
form. l'd never been to a baseball-card 
show and learned you pay five bucks to get 


in, which entitles you 10 one autograph. 1 
had a ball, two cards and my mitt. But this 
little snotty rich kid from this wealthy sub- 
vrbis sitting there, like the autograph po- 
lice. I had Kaline sign my mitt and, as he's 
about to sign my two cards, the kid says, 
“Just one autograph!" And Ki 
shakes my hand, ready to dismiss me. I 
freeze, fighting the urge to ask him 
whether he'd seen Terms of Endearment. 
But there's a line of thirty people behind 
me, and the kid is now shouting, “Come on! 
Come on! One autograph!” I'm being told 
off by this nine-year-old putz and, worse, 
I'm totally intimidated. So I leave, go out 
and buy two more tickets for ten bucks, 
come back and get in another forty-five- 
minute line, waiting for Al. Worth it, 
though. Very classy guy, Al. 


9. 


pLaysor: Defend Tigers fans. 

paniers: Tigers fans got a bad rap. Every- 
body remembers that Detroit burned some 
cars in the stadium parking lot during the 
world series. But those were kids who 
came in from the suburbs who didn't even 
have tickets to the game. Thanks to them, 
we're the car murderers. But, in reality, the 
Tigers have very knowledgeable and civi- 
lized fans. Yankees fans are the worst. 


“You seem like the bikini-briefs type. Frankly, Гт 
looking for boxer shorts.” 


Don't even think of going to the upper 
deck of Yankee Stadium without taking 
boxing gloves. Jesus, they like to throw bat- 
teries at Dwight Evans in right field. And 
even though the Tigers had idiots in the 
stands in 84, doing the wave, it wasn't 
nearly as vomit provoking as the Minneso- 
ta Twins fans of a couple years ago. I went 
to one play-off game where the wives of the 
‘Twins were huddled behind the dugout, 
about twenty rows up, blowing their whi 
tles and waving their hankies. It was, like, 
time to get out the .22, you know? 


10. 


pravnoy: Its rumored that when you're 
alone, playing baseball board games, you 
sing the national anthem beforehand. 
True? 

DANIELS: [Sheepishly] Only for my world-se- 
ries games at the end of the season. So as 
not to cause commotion with the family, I 
try to play The Star-Spangled Banner when 
they're not avake—you know, six in the 
morning or twelve midnight. I put on a 
recording of Robert Merrill singing it, but 
I don't sing along. I just solemnly place my 
hat over my heart and imagine I'm stand- 
ing on the dugout steps. It's important to 
create a little atmosphere. It adds purpose 
to the task at hand. 


n. 


rLAYBOY: You grew up working in your fa- 
ther's lumber business. Is there a secret for 
the uninitiated on how not to look like an 
ignoramus in a lumberyard? 

paniers: No. It's like a pro golf shop. You go 
into a pro golf shop and say, "Just looking 
for some clubs,” and they immediately 
know you're a hacker. Same thing if you go 
to a lumberyard, approach the counter 
and say, ^I need wood." Or, "I'd like to 
build a basement. Any suggestions?" The 
counter guy will just roll his eyes and mut- 
ter things. But I contend that’s why there 
are architects. As far as I'm concerned, I 
don't want to know. I dont care about two- 
way doors or thermal insulated windows— 
just put ‘em in. | mean, I can tell a 
two-by-four from a one-by-cight, but the 
real talent is to glance at a piece of wood 
and say, “That’s a fourteen-footer, but it's 
cut a little short" Can't do that. Couldn't 
care less. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: When you were starting out, you 
made a number of commercials. In what 
kind of roles were you typec 
DANIELS: Oh, dumb jock. | was the guy who 
cooked the burgers in the McDonald's 
commercials. I would assure viewers of the 
great care taken in preparing meat patties. 
I was into my Method acting phase then 
and would invent real lives for these man- 
nequins I played. I was way over the top, 
imagining I wz school football star 
named Jerry Smith, working my summer 
job at McDonald's to support my hobby, 


PLAYBOY 


150 


which was mounting butterflies or whatev- 
ет, The agency guys would sigh and tell 
me, "Just get it inside thirty seconds this 
me, Jeff." 

Then there was the Head & Shoulders 
spotin the laundromat, where I'm this typ- 
al guy who doesn't know anything about 
laundry. 1 come in with messy hair, wea 
g a sweat shirt, and see this attractive 
girl. In a cartoon balloon over my head, I 
think, Hey, she's kind of nice-looking. And 
she looks at me and thinks, Oooh, bad hair. 
‘And I scratch my head. I go shampoo and, 
two weeks later, return to the laundromat, 
dressed like a banker. My hair is perfectly 
combed and moussed. This time, the girl 
actually talks to me. And while the a 
nouncer does his voice-over pitch, we're 
supposed to ad-lib a conversation that no 
onc hears. I decided to take some liberties. 
What looked like me making pleasant 
small talk went something like this: [Wend 
sotto voce] “Uh, I've been watching vou. Im 
the guy in the green Pontiac who sits out- 
side your apartment. 115 been—what?—a 
year and а half now. It’s nice to finally get 
to talk to you. Heh-heh-heh.” She just 
freaked. But she di e my hair. 


13. 
When does it pay to be a former 


ШҮ 
boy scout? How many scouting tenets have 
you retained? 

paniers: [Recites] “Trustworthy, loyal, help- 
ful, friendly courteou: ind, оһс‹ 
cheerful, thrifty, brave, dean and re 
” And they all still apply, don't they? 
Especially in show business. Actually, 
ng on to any three of those in this 
siness would be a worthy goal. Problem 
with my troop was, yes, you learned how to 
build fires and camp out, but you also 
learned to drink Boone's Farm wine with- 
ош throwing up and play a version of 
mumblety-peg that involved knives being 
flung at your feet. It was like delinquent 
survival camp. 


M. 


тлурсу: What are your hidden talents? 
pantets: 1 moon-walk. I learned it for the 
high school-reunion scene in Something 
Wild. Unfortunately, there were about 
three hundred extras standing around 
watching me learn, and half of them were 
black. They were not impressed at all. But 
L eventually got it down and can now dd 
without looking like too much of a white 
guy And it docs get a lot of looks when Ido 
it in local taverns. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: As an inveterate songwriter, were 
you tempted to show any of your work to 
George Harrison, who produced Checking 
Ош? 

pantras: No, but I had my Gibson guitar 
with me, which Е use whenever traveling. 
1f that guitar fell out of a plane, 1 wouldn't 
be 100 upset—eacept thats no longer the 
case. One day on the set, Lasked George to 
sign it. He said, “Oh, ГЇЇ be happy to.” He 


told me to get a permanent marker and 
how to make the signature last. I took it 
and led him into a back room, so an auto- 
graphing line wouldn't form. He signed it 
and added a little mystic symbol, then 
started tuning it for me and began strum- 
ming an A minor, a G, an F—he was play- 
ing All Along the Watchtower. And singing 
along! Forty-five minutes later, he had per- 
formed Hoagy Carmichael songs, Buddy 
Holly songs, a piece of Norwegian Wood, 
lots of blues stuff. 1 mean, he just had a 
ball. This was before the Wilburys, and he 
was saying, “I havent played in so long? 1 
couldnt get the smile off my face. It was 
frozen there. So 1 never played or sang for 
him. But he did say, “If you're ever in Eng- 
land, stop by—vwell sit around and play 
guitars.” And the guy is nice cnough that 1 
think he meant it. 


16. 


ы avrov: In Checking Out, you played a guy 
coming to grips with the death of his best 
friend. Did it trigger thoughts of your own 
mortality? 

DANIELS: I never went through what this 
guy did. Where, as a sympathetic response, 
you actually feel like you're going to die, 
too. It was described to me in detail by 
those who've experienced it, though. Гуе 
always been a runner and fairly healthy 
Гуе never had anxiety attacks where Гус 
been on my hands and knees in my under- 
wear on the front lawn, gasping for air, 
with my heart pounding. You get the sen- 
sation that your heart is going to burst out 
of your chest. Or you're convinced that 
уоште down to five last heartbeats. You 
think, Four-three-two-one and now it’s 
stopped. . . . [Choking] And... now... 1 
... cant... breathe, . . . [Exhales] 1 mean, 
this character doesnt imagme himself 
falling off buildings to his death. He just 
figures the heart beats, beats, beats until 
someday when it just stops. 

I think of my mortality, sure, but much 
less obsessively. That's one of the reasons I 
write songs. They're like a diary and I al- 
ways tape-record them. I figure that if 1 do 
go ina car accident, my kids can turn on a 
tape and hear me. Thats also what's nice 
about films. They can put in a video cas- 
sene and see what Dad did. In theater, 
your work just vanishes into thin air. 
Which is romantic and wonderful for peo- 
ple who love to act in theaters. But I don't. 


17. 


piavnoy: What resonant wisdom has Jack 
Nicholson imparted to you? 

тәнін: 1 remember 1 was the last guy on 
the set of Terms to meet him. I'd kind of 
held back because I was in such awe of 
him. Finally, Winger drags me over and 
says, “Jeff, Jack; Jack, Jeff." He says [domg 
dead-on Nicholson], “How are ya?" 1 said, 
Jack, its a thrill. You know, I grew up in 
Michigan, kind of near where Magic 
played ball in college" He said, "Oh, 
you played with Magic?” I said, “No, I 
didn't play with—— Оһ, never mind.” 1 


was just fumbling for words. Then he said, 
“So what have you donc?" I said, “Well, I've 
donc Ragtime and mainly a lot of Broad- 
” He looked at mc and said, “Well, this 


жа 


ain't Broadway. This is thc pro game.” Y 
as like a little gift he gave me. It kind of 
stays with you. 


18. 


perience you've had with а difficult lea 
lady Names are optional 

такті: The worst one: I had pr: 
finished doing an entire film with this 
woman, in the course of which she contin- 
ually missed her mark by two feet, didn't 
know her lines, couldn't ad-lib to save her 
life, blew takes left and right. And now, it's 
almost the end of the movie, and they're 
lighting her, getting ready to shoot her in a 
close-up. Meanwhile, she's standing there 
reading Less than Zero—which іп itself is a 
clue to something—and she's got one para- 
graph to go to finish the chapter. The d 
rector says, “We're ready!” Everybody— 
mean, everybody—is in position. She says, 
“I just want to finish this one paragraph. 
[Pauses] Thirty seconds later, she closes the 
book and says, “Jeff, you really ought to 
read this book.” 1 couldn't believe it. I 

nean, what gall. 


19. 


pLavnoy: How do you know when you've 
stolen a scene? 

panters: When you look into the other ac 
tors’ eyes and see confusion. You can see 
them thinking, What's my next line? Be- 
cause you're not just reading your lines— 
youre doing things, tying different 
behavioral nuances, keeping them off bal- 
ance. And they cant keep up with you. 
Sometimes you do it because you're pro- 
voked. You go into a scene, knowing that 
off camera the guy is being a jerk or the 
girl is being, ah, difficult. Then you're just 
trying to save your butt. So you turn it ара 
little bit, basically saying, “Keep up with 
this.” Sometimes it works to fire people up 
and make a scene better. Other times, they 
just say, “Cul!” because they cant remem- 
ber their lines. Which is satis 

20. 

PLAYBOY: Let's explore the title of your next 
film, Love Hurts. When does love hurt the 
worst? When does it hurt the best 

DANIELS: Love hurts the best when she's 
clinging to the headboard, her back is 
arched to the ceiling, she’s coming like 
she’s never come before and she looks into 
your eyes and you're smiling and you both 
know you have miles to go before you 
sleep. Love hurts the worst when you're 
spent, exhausted, your back is glistening 
with sweat and not only was it great for 
you—it was the best for you in God knows 
how long. And you look at her and she 
says, “Is that 


“Гое got the feeling theres a pecker here with my name on it.” 


151 


152 


Ode 10 MOPDANNA couine pon rae 120 


“While negotiating a fence, she toppled onto her tops 
and came up with a gravel sandwich.” 


nc, but her grandmother still 


the age of r 
forbade her to wear a bra. “Tie ‘em up v 
a tight Tshirt, nobody will notice,” 
Mrs. Blackerby, Uh-huh. The older woman 
regaled Morganna with stories of how she 
was related to Robert E. Lee and other de- 
ceased monster celebs. “The more grand- 
mother hit the highballs, the more famous 
we all got,” Morganna says. 

She ran away from boarding school and 
wound up in Baltimore's infamous Block, 
sleeping in alleys and cating out of 
garbage cans until she could afford a 
flophouse. She broke into show business 
nearby, ata seedy strip joint frequented by 
tattooed merchant marines who greeted 
her act with cries of e it off.” Morgan- 


na was crushed; she thought the “it” was 
her. From there, there was nowhere to go 
but up. 

Armed with ingcnuity, some funny little 
puppets, a flair for comedy and promotion 
and, of course, her deuce in the hole, Mor- 
ganna and those phenomenal Himalayas 
of hers became the most popular act in the 
genre. She was “Morganna, the Wild One” 
back then, resplendent in a long jet-black 
fall and a variety of leathery, tiger-striped 


jungle outfits, sometimes dripping fake 


blood to whip up more audience frenzy. 
Ford Frick would have agrecd that she was 
totally awesome. 

Well-publicized trials such as the one in 
Charlotte, North Carolina, in 1971 didn't 


“Now, be honest, Walter. Wouldn't you prefer that 


something be left to the imagination?” 


hurt the cause, either, especially when the 
charge against Morganna of “performing 
simulated sexualacts with an object resem- 
bling a reptile’ was summarily struck 
down. The reptile in question was “Her- 
man,” a large sequined artificial snake. A 
prosccuting attorney asked Morganna if 
she had exposed her hypogastric region in 
the act. “Hypogastric region?” Morganna 
said. “I thought I had that removed.” 

Nonetheless, a girl can't live on breasts 
alone. Nor publicity, Boredom having set 
in, Morganna took to the old ball yard. In 
1970, answering a “double-dirty dare” 
from some of her stripper friends, who 
were sitting in a box and not being noticed 
enough, at least not by the right fielder— 
“He wasn't spitting tobacco our мау, so 
we knew he didn't even see us," says Mor- 
ganna—the then-ebony-haired ecdysiast 
climbed over the railing at Riverfront Sta- 
dium in Cincinnati to kiss the great Rose, 
making Charlie Hustle a party to yet more 
history. 

Several other attempts followed that sea- 
son until, trying to get Johnny Bench at 
аппа was stopped 
dled by some rent- 


cold 
a-gendarmes. 

It seems unfathomable to imagine that 
baseball went seven years without Morgan- 
na's smooches, but it wasn't until 1977 that 
she felt secure enough to go over the rail- 
ing once again—which is not always easy. 

Ar the 1984 All-Star game in San F 
cisco, Morganna set out to nab Ryne 5; 
berg for the first time, but while 

а g a wicked fence, she unceremo- 
iously toppled onto her tops and came up 
a gravel sandwich. Bleeding profuse- 
ly, she was easy pickings in the relay race 
with John Law and retired on cuts. “After 
the kiss, they usually take me straight to 
the security office,” Morganna says. “This 
time, I went right to first aid,” Cottrell, her 
partner in crime, didn't locate his wife for 
an hour. 

In Houston, in April 1985, however, ev- 
eryone knew where to find her. Morganna 
was back in the slan That was the 
opening-day caper she had promoted 
scemingly all over Texas; the one during 
which the Today show strapped her with a 
wircless microphone; thc onc for which the 
authorities claimed they had "Morgan: 
proofed” the Astrodome; the time Mor- 
ganna pulled off her first double-header, 
Ryan and Thon. (Lucky those dome fel- 
lows weren't guarding the Treasury De- 
partment when Willie Sutton was alive.) 

After the embarrassed establishment 
pressed charges—the cops pressed Mor- 
ganna, the Astros charged her with tres- 
passing—and kept her in jail for seven 
hours, Morganna hired the famous crim- 
inal trial lawyer Richard “Racehorse” 
Haynes, who proceeded to take his clients 
fee—you guessed it—up front and then to 
make a mockery of the case. 

“1 failed to see that gross a trespass on 


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our great American game,” Racehorse 
says. “Juries do the right thing and they 
would obviously have seen there was noth- 
ing artificial about Morganna. Nobody re- 
ally ought to be against anything that 
inspires the Astros. [Ryan had pitched 
masterfully in the Houston victory] And 
there must be a quarter of a million wom- 
еп who would like to kiss Nolan Ryan. Гус 
considered kissing him myself, and I'm a 
confirmed heterosexual 

As it was, Harris County prosecutors 
dropped the case like lead balloons upon 
discovering that Racehorse intended to 
plead the dread gravity defense to explain 
how his client had come to be on the field. 

“We could ly have demonstrated that 
the law of gravity will prevail any time 
a  onc-hundred-and-twenty-eight-pound 
woman with fifteen-pound breasts" —Mor- 
ganna once weighed them on the fruit 
scales at an all-night grocery stor ans 
over the rail," says Racehorse. "I had pro- 
fessors of physics and engineering ready to 
go. 1 was considering asking Morganna to 
lean over the jury railing. 1 think we could 
have made the case clea 

Has Morganna lived happily ever after? 
So far, so good. Cottrell, an accounting 
major and numbers whiz, has managed 
her finances into high cotton, not to men- 
tion into her own Keogh plan. They spend 
Christmases in Hawaii and take vacations 
around the globe 

Morganna also has a day job: 
purchased a 
Utica (New York) Blue Sox of the Class A 
New York—Pennsylvania league. Yeah, 
that’s right; she’s an owner. A couple of 
sportswriters in Florida, the general part- 
ners of the Utica partnership, having 
wheued her interest, Morganna plunged 
in, $5000 worth. 

Regularly now, she takes а break from 
stripping, teasing and thwacking cus- 
tome the head with her breasts to jour- 
ney to far-off, cold and windy Utica—a 
living, heaving Daisy Mae come to baseball 
Dogpatch. 

“Morganna brings new dimensions to 
Blue Sox baseball,” the honorable Sher- 
wood L. "Sherry" Boehlert, U.S. Repn 
sentative from the 25th district of New 
York, wrote in a letter of greeting from his 
officc in Washington. "How can anyone say 
shes limited? With her help, we'll make a 
frontal attack on past attendance records 
We're going to rove the old theory that 
the way to succeed is by putting your best 
foot forward." Representative Boehlert is a 
Blue Sox owner and also, obviously, a hu- 
morist 
Here comes Morgana,” Vin Scully 
‘once intoned over the airwaves, “preced- 
ing herself by five minutes.” 

And now there she goes . . . to untol 
lands of possibility. Morgana, the Kis: 


Bandit . . . no, baseball's showgirl . . . uh, 
май... baseball's showgirl . . owner: Yeah, 


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153 


PLAYBOY 


WIND DUMMY Continued from page 120) 


“Mark faced downhill and pulled the lines. The chute 
began bucking and torquing in the wind.” 


of 12 people, he said, everybody would go 
from the top by the end of the second day, 
‘including the women and children.” 

Child’s play. Sounded good. Except that 
I've played the idiot beginner too many 
times to believe the optimistic twaddle the 
devotees spout as you stand there looking 
up or looking down at whatever dicey busi 
ness you're about to try for the first time. 
These things each have a character all 
their own, and when adrenaline's involved, 
nothing's simple. 

“Come on up," said Mark. “Its a little 
breezy, but we can probably find a shel- 
tered area behind some of the big hills." 

A couple of hours later, I sat in a Vallejo 
house with Mark, another instructor 
named Andy Long and his wife, Jeannie. 
We were watching a video that had been 
made a couple of weeks earlier in Washing- 
ton: Mark—solidly built, dark curly hair— 
was coaching a prety blonde woman 
named Penny LeGate, the star of Scattle's 
Evening. She looked at the camera and 
said, "I can't believe that yesterday Га nev- 
er seen a paraglider, and now here Lam, 
ready to fly" As for the r it was 
“safer Шап riding a bicycle... and casier 
to learn. 

“Paragliding deserves respect,” said 


E ECWMAN 


а. 
ATTORNEYS -AT- LAW 


Mark when they cut to him. "But it's really 
simple.” Then, after clips of her training 
exercises, LeGate ran from the top of a 
gentle hill and flew: a smooth 30-second 
flight toa nice easy landing. 

“I recommend it for everybody,” she said 
at the end of the segment. “Even people 
who are afraid of heights, like me.” 

A second video, in French, talked about 
the popularity of the sport in Europe. 
Mark translated: Fifty thousand 
ropeans a year go paragliding, mostly in 
the Alps. Mark said that he had run а 
school in Annecy, France, for two years. 
He'd also organized American hang-glid- 
ing and paragliding tours of Europe and 
has, he says, 1200 air hours in a hang 
glider. 

In fact, many paragliding instructors 
and entrepreneurs come out of hang glid- 
ing, It’s a natural transition: from a rela- 
tively dangerous and unforgiving sport 
that requires years to master to one that 
can be learned in a matter of days by near- 
ly anyone in reasonable 
means the commercial possibi! 
yond anything hang gliding could ever 
have hoped for. After the Evening segment 
was shown in Seattle, Marks company, 


“Keep Bowman at il. According to our profiles, thal 
jury can be swayed by a real hunk.” 


Parapente USA, got 150 inqui 2 
hours. 


Red-winged blackbirds rocked back and 
forth on high wild mustard in the 100-acre 
meadow below the hillscape Mark had 


ne and poppy scattered 
amid the real and ancient owners of the 
land, the grasses. On that morning, we 
waded through w: h foxtail and wild 
oats, each of us with a 15-pound backpack 
that held our folded paragliders. 

The hill itself was a pretty series of un- 
even terraces, each steeper than the one 
below it, that rose and narrowed into a 
sharp ridge that had the contour of a great 
green wave that scemed about to break 
over the meadow below. Wind-sculpted 
trees stood bent witness to the blow on top, 
as did the ruckle and the wave of thc grass 
up th. 

It wasn't that calm even where wc were 
оп the lower slopes; gusty, about 15 miles 
an hour, I thought. 

“Its a bit strong,” М. aid as we began 
unpacking the chutes. “Its the top speed 
of these sails that limits them. If you jump 
into a wind that’s blowing faster than these 
things can fly—about twenty-five miles an 
hour—you're likely to get blown over the 
back of the hill, and that’s not fun.” 

He laid my chute on the grass and 
stretched the sand the liar ness down 
hill in front of it. Then he pointed to the 
fluorescent pink, yellow Ыис and tur 
quoise parts of the sail. Essentially, it’s a 
high-tech rectangular parachute, about 30 
feet from tip to tip, seven fect from front to 
rear. Its made of tough, light material and 
is divided into chambers that run front to 
rear and are open along the leading edge, 
so that the entire thing inflates when its 
pulled up into the wind. The lines from 
the front and rear edges cascade together 
st above the harness to form two front 
nd two ‘eparate lines, 
with a hand loop, run to both the left and 
the right rear corners of the wing and are 
the brakes. 

Mark buckled himself into the harness, 
faced downhill and took the front risers 
and the brakes into his hands. 

“Im going to launch facing into the 
wind—missionary style,” he said. He 
arched his body, pulled the lines, took two 
steps forward and the huge kite sprung up 
head, where it began bucking and 
ing in the big wind. He staggered, 
pulled on the right brake, then the left, in 
an attempt to stabilize the wing over his 
head, and after about 30 seconds of strug- 
gle, he pulled on the rear risers and the 
chute collapsed like an obedient dog that 
had been told to sit. 

is sail is a station wagon, a battle- 
ship,” he s big and slow and it 


ach 


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catches a lot more air than the high-per- 
formance models, It's also a lot more stable 
when you get it flying.” 

He asked if I had any questions, then 
buckled me into the harness and said, 
“This is just ground handling. "There's 
nothing to fear.” 

I appreciated the reassurance, but 1 
wasn't afraid of anything yet. I didn't know 
enough to be afraid, and besides, I wasn't 
going anywhere in this exercise. The ob- 
Ject was to get the canopy up over my head 
and just sort of steer it around in place. 

On thecount of three, I lunged forward, 
the sail filled, jumped into the wind I7 feet 
up and then, in the middle of my first for- 
ward step, ripped me backward, spun me 
around and dragged me ten feet or so 
across the hillside in a scene that must have 
looked a lot like those moments in Western 
movies where some poor bastard is lashed 
to a buckboard and drug all the way ош of 
town. T hat's the way it felt, anyway 

Mark told me to try it again, to drive 
harder with my legs, to let go of the for- 
ward risers sooner. I did, and this time the 
wind spun me off to the right, got me run. 
ning as if I were late, then yanked me off 
my feet and bounced me in the deep grass 

Mark decided that maybe a reverse 
inflation might be a better technique in a 
wind as big as we had. He turned me in my 
harness so I was facing uphill toward the 


grounded chute, which would give me bet- 
ter leverage as it flew. The wind calmed a 
notch, and this time when I pulled, the 
wing climbed over my head, hovered 
there, and for a few seconds, everything 
seemed possible. When I turned downhill 
to start my run, however, a gust caught me 
and turned the whole thing into another 
dragging. 

Mark moved me up the hill to a steeper 
section, on the thought that gravity might 
help. It didn’t, and for the next couple of 
hours, I worked like a Clydesdale that was 
going to be cut from the team. I ran, | 
pulled, I grunted and swore, I stumbled 
over little granite uglies hidden in the 
grass, I veered and skidded and was 
dragged till the lupine lay in great ruined 
swaths behind me. 

Finally, Mark suggested we take the rest 
of the afternoon off. The wind had risen 
out of the beginners zone, and he thought 
that maybe if we waited till sunset, condi- 
tions would calm—“glass off," he called 
it—and maybe then we could get a flight or 
two. 


. 

Around six that evening, the four of us 
stood in a natural bowl of hills bchind 
Blue Rock Springs Park, a couple of miles 
from the hill we'd used that morning. The 
poppies had rolled themselves into their 
tight evening sheaths and the overcast had 
burned away, but the glass-off we'd hoped 


for hadn't happened. In fact, the wind had 
come ир to something like 20 miles an 
hour, more in its gustier moments. Andy 
and Mark watched the natural wind indi- 
cators and talked glider-pilot micromete- 
orology with each other. They guessed the 
speed of the upper winds by the thrashing 
of the tops of the 100-foot eucalyptus trees. 
They used the riffling of the oats downhill 
from us to time the gust cycles. Where the 
grass swirled like long hair in the front seat 
of a convertible, they called it a thermal 
cycle. 

As 1 listened, it reminded me of my days 
in the surf, out there trying to read the 
waves. Water and wind are a lot alike in the 
way they move. The difference, of course, 
is that you can look an ocean wave in the 
face, judge its shape and speed, see the 
backwash, the sidewash and the rip cur- 
rent. The wind is a ghost that sweeps to- 
ward you, leaving only rumors of its mood 
in the treetops, on the grass. For the real 
story, you have to get on it and ride. 

“Мете on the edge here,” said Mark as. 
he spread his chute, buckled his harness. A 
moment later, he tugged on the risers, the 
sail snapped into the air, then jumped him 
around in place. He took two prancing 
steps forward and he was up, straight up, 
as if he'd pressed an elevator button. He 
hovered, gained altitude, then moved 
slowly forward against the he wind. Fif- 
teen seconds later, 20 feet down the hill, he 


MENTHOL 


pulled hard on the brakes and stepped to a 
landing. 

“That was frightening," he said as he 
climbed back toward us with one of those 
“Whoa, Momma" smiles on his face. “The 
way I went up means the air is in excess of 
twenty miles an hour, and as I got higher, I 
had the brakes all the way off for maxi- 
mum speed and I still wasn't really penc- 
trating. Another five miles an hour, it 
would have maybe taken me up five hun- 
dred feet and then back over the top of the 
hill.” 

I looked in the direction he was point- 
ing. “Maybe into that power pole?” I said. 
‘Who knows?" he said. 

A half hour later, Mark was still holding 
out for things’ settling into an evening 
calm, and on that hope, the two of us pur 
our packed chutes on our backs and hiked 
a five-mile loop through the hills, The sun 
set, the wind stayed up, and when it was 
clear we weren't going to fly, Mark did his 
best to ease my disappointment. 

“This is what its really all about," he 
said. “In a beautiful place—look at this 
light—going out for a little hike and being 
able to leave the earth. You'll see. Tomor- 
row could be perfect." 

And it was. Or at least it started ош that 
way. 

By the time I joined them on the hill the 
next morning, Mark had already flown 
from the top and was rhapsodizing about 
the conditions. “Light winds on the lower 


miles an hour on top,” he 
said, pointing to the 400-foot crest. “You'll 
be flying from up there in a couple of 


We slogged to a point about 100 feet 
high through grass so thick it untied my 
ll, got into the har- 
ness, then listened to an admonition that 
would have ncarly haunting significance 
before the day was over. 

"Remember," he said as he attached a га- 
dio receiver to the shoulder strap of my 
harness. "Once you're up there, vou are 
the one with the ultimate perspective. You 
must not fly behind the hill. You must not 
fly into the hill. If we tell you to do some- 
thing that is not in your best interest, don't 
do it. You are the pilot. Im empowering 
you now. You signed the liability waiver.” 

And a hell of a waiver it was, too. In all 
my trips to the edge—ice climbing, rock- 
climbing, ski jumping, sky diving, wing 
walking, learning to drive a top-fuel drag- 
ster—I'd never seen anything as long or as 
officious as that release. It was five pages 
and it required my signature in two places 
and my initials in nine others beneath 
clauses that exempted Mark and every- 
body even vaguely connected to him from 
any lawsuit I might bring if the worst came 
uue. The grisly document made it. plain 
that no matter what the paragliding 
aficionados tell you about how safe this 
game is, their lawyers arent buying a word 
of it 


And you cant blame them, really 
Paragliding is so new in the United States 
that it wasn't until this past spring that it 
was even possible to be certified to teach it. 
The certification process, organized by the 
newly formed American Paragliding Asso- 
ciation, takes four days, costs about $300 
and graduated its first class of ten in April 
of 1989. Even so, no one is required to have 
any training at all to teach the sport. 
“Which means,” Mark said, “that anybody 
with the equipment can get up there and 
throw you off the mountain.” 

Near the bottom of the last page of the 
waiver, I was required to copy this state- 
ment: 1 REALIZE THAT PARAGLIDING 15 AN IN- 
HERENTLY DANGEROUS SPORT THAT MAY RESULT 
IN MY INJURY OR EVEN DEATH, 

Before I signed it, I underlined the word 
bear for dramatic flourish, but on the hill 
that morning, before my first little fight, I 
wasn't feeling any particular fear, just the 
low buzz that comes with hard focus. The 
wind was smooth, small and steady, and 
the angle of the hill shallow enough that 
even if the chute collapsed on me, I figured 
I wouldn't be bounced much worse than I 
had been the day before. 

Mark stepped down the hill a ways and 
made a radio check. I ran on the count of 
three, the chute went up, dipped left 
slightly, then stabilized as I got a little 
speed, and two steps later—Kittyhawk—I 
swung free of the hillside and was air- 
borne. The kite gained altitude in the first 


157 


PLAYBOY 


few seconds, became solid on the breeze, 
and after that, it was just a matter of taking 
the gentle ride 100 yards or so to a smooth 
stand-up landing. Nothing to it; as casy as 
they'd said. Once I was in the air, every 
thing about the big sail felt trustworthy 
and maneuverable, until finally, as I pulled 
both brake toggles to my knees, it seemed a 
shame to be landing 

As I trudged back up the hill, Jeannie 
took off from about the same spot I had. 
She weighed only 110 pounds, and the 
wind let her on even more easily than it 
had me. I watched as she floated almost 
motionless at times, glided slowly over her 
shadow, then met up with it weightlessly on 
touchdown. 

1 took my second flight off steeper 
ground from a point twice as high as my 
first, and thi ne, I was in the air for 
about 30 seconds. Mark talked me through: 
a right turn after take-off, then a left back 
into the wind, then down into another easy 
landing. It was a great sensation to be 
wheeling around a couple of hundred feet 
up like that and, as we dimbed the long 
steep toward the top of the hill, I changed 
my mind about Icarus. Even after two 
small flights, I wanted more, longer, 
higher. I wasn't exactly looking for a fl 
that would melt the feathers off my wings, 
but the idea of a jump from 400 feet was 
full of a lot more exhilaration than fright. 
I think they called it hubris when Icarus 
a boy. 

"The wind grew stronger as we climbed, 
1 by the time we reached the small slop- 


a 
ing meadow that was to be our launch 


plateau, 


seemed to be blowing about 


twice what it had been on the lower slopes. 
The view was sensational: Vallejo, the 
north end of the San ncisco Bay with its 
bridges and ships. Just behind us, an old 
barbed-wire fence bisected the flat crest of 
the hilltop, which was covered by a 
ground-hugging sweep of daisies. 

Andy stood ready in the meadow below 
to guide me toward a landing, and while 
he and Mark discussed things over the ra- 
dio, I decided to a little wind check of 
my own: I pissed acros 
force of the breeze didn’t bend or fray the 
stream, I decided it wasn't as strong as | 
was making it out to be. 

“If your morning cup of coffee didnt 
wake you up, this will,” said Mark, point 
ing to the steep drop just in front of us. 
Then, while he gave me last-minute in- 
structions, 1 hung my tape recorder from 
my harness and turned it on. If things 
went well, the tape would amount to a hot 
real-time notebook entry, I thought. If 
things went badly __. well . . . I figured it 
would be the equivalent of those little black 
boxes they dig out of the wreckage of com- 
mercial jets. 

“If I say stop, you stop. but I don't expect. 
that to happen,” said Mark. Then, while he 
waited for the right wind cycle, І stood 
ready, felt my juices rise, told myself there 
couldn't be any hesitation. 

“Advance,” yelled Mark, and 1 did, but 
as the wing came up, it veered viciously to 
the right, and the next thing I heard was 

Stop. . . мор!” 1 pulled both brake lines 
and the chute collapsed. 

“What the hell happened?” I said. Ud 
done everything I knew to do, and still the 


“My father works in a bank." 


wind had taken things out of my control. It 
felt terrible. 

You just got olf a little crooked; you 
could have kept going, but lets make 
things picture perfect 

Again 1 waited, and this time, when 
Mark shouted “Go,” I grunted, broke for- 
ward as hard as I could and was off . . „and 
then hooking right—horribly right—to- 
ward a spine of rocks that was sticking out 
of the hillside. At that point, the voice on 
my tape is Marks, insistent and rising, 

Brake left, brake left, brake left!" 1 heard 
him, but it was all happening much too fast 
and adrenaline was in the way of every- 
thing, including whatever the hell “left” 
meant, which didnt get through to 
overloaded brain until I was a split second 
from the sharp granite teeth. 1 pulled 
hard on the left toggle, missed the rocks by 
what seemed an inch, swept away from the 
hill out onto the breeze, safe, free, 400 feet 
up. 

For the next few moments on the tape, 
there is nothing but my heavy breathing, 
then Mark's voice over the radio: “Now to 
Andy.” he said. Then he laughed a tight, 
nervous laugh. 1 answered with an an- 
guished laugh of my own, then hit a pocket. 
of air that lifted me 20 feet or more, and 
my worried s| with it. "That's a ther- 
mal; you're OK," said Mark, but by then, 1 
was much better than OK. I was flying. I 
ne out of my left turn smoothly, got my- 
self on a glide path toward Andy, saw the 
ars on the road below pulling over to 
watch, and then just sat there wishing I 
didnt have to come down. I glided above 
Andy at about 100 feet, and then, 70 sec- 

nds from my ugly take-off, I stalled gently 
toa very pretty landing. 

I whooped, and as | turned to look back 
atthe crest, I saw a golden eagle climb into 
the thermal I had flown through, watched 
it gyre casily 10 1000 feet, then strike off to 
the west. 

As Jeannie waited on top for a cycle light 
enough to fly, Jim Leech and his ten-year 
Tim ined Andy and me 
the landing zone. Timmy was eager to get 
into the air. Hed had six previous flights 
from 500 feet, he said, and what he really 
wanted was t0 make a flight without a ra- 
dio. It was the kind of bravado you expect 
from ten-year-olds, to whom adrenaline is 

n almost unknown chemical. Still, it made 
me feel old. His dad, a highly experienced 
hang glider, was a little more skeptical 
about paragliding and was playing a gentle 
Daedalus to his son's Icarus: He just wasnt 
sure those frail ships were up to the va- 
garies of the wind. “My first two flights, I 
didnt feel nervous about paragliders at 
all," he said. “It was after I got some expe- 
rience I started worrying about them." 

Then he and Andy talked about a recent 
fa y in Leavenworth, Washington. An 
instructor named Jeff Splitgerber had sent 
three students ahead of him off the top of 


old son 


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à mountain and then launched himself be- 
low. The students landed safely; he didn 
They found his body on the ground belor 
Nobody saw what had happened 

After two false starts, Jeannie launched 
from the top, rose in the thermal, then 
flew a long, slow course to her husband 
Then Mark flew, made a 360-degree turn 
in the thermal, got some lifi, then glided 
in. “Nice flight,” he said as he got to me. 
I'm glad you didn't turn out to be a pen. 
cil-neck geek." 

Mark and Jim talked about where on the 
hillside would be safe for Timmy to fly. At 
85 pounds, the boy was maybe just heavy 
enough to fly this wind from halfway up 
the hill if they put a packed chute on his 
back for ballast. 

“This is the 
y id Mark. 
out there to test thi 

“A what?” I said. 

Jim laughed. A little hang-gliding hu- 
mor, he said. *But it's not the way Mark 
made it sound. In hang gliding, you want 
somebody to be a wind dummy if it's 
most, but maybe not quite, soarable. If he 
goes up, that's good. If he just glides down, 
we wait for a wl 

“Yeah, sure,” I said. 

A few minutes later, Timmy stood in 
harness and baby-blue helmet about the 
200-foot level. Неа wanted to start from a 
higher point, but Mark and his dad had 
and when he took his first step, it 
was clear they'd made the right decision. 
The boy lifted immediately, hovered а 
most motionless, then moved very slowly 
lorward into the breeze, gained altitude 
like a weather balloon, then moved ahead 
again without seeming to drop at all. His 
dad video-taped his long, slow glide to a 
landing so gentle that it looked like he'd 
been set down by a stork 

Over the next half hour, the wind rose. 
Andy was the last to go from the cop and 
the updraft was enough to keep him soar- 
ing back and forth across the face of the 
hill for three and a half minutes. It w: 
gorgeous sight. Two eagles joined him in 
the thermals and played above him as he 
laughed and shouted. “I was really skied 
out,” he said when he landed. Then he 
added, "Its nice but lifty" Mark took a 
short ride from mid-point on the hill and 
decided it was too blustery for апу more 
flights from the crest that afternoon. He 
predicted that it would glass off around 
et and that if we went back then, 1 
Andy had. 


с you need a wind dum- 
omebody you can throw 
gs” 


said no, 


sun: 
could probably soar the w 
. 

The sun was nearly down by the time 
Mark and I began the long climb from the 
lower meadow toward the top of the hill. It 
just the two of us, and although the 
wind at the bottom seemed light, the grass 
and the trees up top looked to be taking 
a whipping. The higher we climbed, the 
heavier it blew, and when we finally stood 
face into the wind on the crest, I didn't likc 
it at all. It reminded me too much of the 


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160 


wind that had played me like a paper pup- 
pet the day before. Only worse. 

“How hard do you think its blowing?" 1 
asked. 

Mark smiled a gung-ho smile and said, 
“I'd say this is the most glorious fifteen 
miles an hour you'll ever know. Just be 
awed.” 

“Feels over the edge to me,” I said. “But 
then, this whole thing is over the edge, isn't 
i 

1 laid out my chute, which immediately 
took a little skitter across the ground, back 
toward the barbed-wire fence. I flattened 
it, then climbed into the harness thinking 
to myself, What the hell are you doing? 
Mark checked my buckles, told me again. 
that this was incredible air. I turned on my 
tape recorder, but when I listened to it lat- 
er, most of my words had been lost under 
the roar of the wind. 

“Talk about a wind dummy—this is 
him," I told Mark. 

“This perfect soaring wind," he said. 
“Stand there for a ше, feel it, think 
about it.” 

I thought about it. Bad thoughts. It felt 
like 20 or 25 miles an hour to me, and the 
picture ] got as I tried to see myself 
through the launch was me all hell out of 
control as soon as I stepped off, and 
then .. . who knows? After two or three 
minutes, I still couldn't quite bring myself‘ 
to say that crucial little yes that gets said 
somewhere inside you just before you actu- 
ally do one of these damn things. But I 
couldn't quite say no, either, didn't want to 
say no; I stood there asking myself if ma 
be I just werent crazy enough anymore, if 
fear weren't maybe having a cheap little 
victory over me, one that 1 would regret 
when I was back at my typewriter. Or was 
this just purely nuts? A lot smaller wind. 
than the one I was standing in had almost 
sailed me hip firstinto a nasty pile of gran- 
ite just a few hours before. 

About the time I moved into a fourth 


round of yes-no-maybe with myself, Mark 
stepped over and said, “I forgot the radios. 
“That scrubs it. I wouldn't want you to fly 
this wind without a receiver’ 

A huge, gentle wave of relief swept over 
me. 

“Atleast you were all the way in the har- 
ness," he said. “You were ready" 

Ve decided I'd walk halfway down the 
hill, maybe fly from a lower slope. But, as I 
gathered my chute, Mark had second 
thoughts. He stepped in front of me, put 
his arms out and said, "This is a wonder 
wind. Its under twenty miles an hour. You 
can fly it. It's perfect. Your call.” 

Oh, shit, I thought as everything in me 
went stiff again. Another chance to back 
out. Goddamn it... look him in the eye. . . 
the coach . . . ask yourself if you can trust 
his judgment . . . his 1200 hours in a hang 
glider. - . . You have to trust a coach, don't 
you? ... You were brought up to trust your 
coaches. . .. I mean, they needle you, push 
you, abuse you, and if you cant take it, 
youre a wimp whos going to spend his 
whole life stuck doing only those things 
hes sure he can do. Ah, but finally—espe- 
cially in risky gam experience or 
his certificates dont matter and the word 
wimp is just a cruel and empty piece of 
schoolyard bullshit. It's your ass out there 
and theres no excuse for spending it 
stupidly. 


you can doin a w 

He smiled, s; 
laid his chute out, I stepped aside to watch. 

It was almost dark, The very last of the 
sunset colors lay in faint layers above a fog 
bank that was moving toward us from San 
Francisco. The lights below us were com- 
ing on. A steam plume 15 miles across the 
bay lay perfectly parallel to the land. Mark 
stood quietly in his harness for nearly five 
minutes, Zenning himself up for the flight, 


that was fine, and as he 


“Her idea of oral sex is trying to talk me out of it.” 


I thought. Now and then, he held a hand 
up into the heavy wind. 

He turned himself around for a reverse 
flation, hesitated, then lifted his chute 
ко the air and was yanked violently—as 
if by wild horses—toward the barbed wire. 
He ran to stay on his feet, then tried to dig 
his heds in, skidded, fell, was slammed 
with a horrible thump into the fence, then 
was raked over it by the 
which collapsed into the di 
hind. 


1 ran to the fence and started over it, 
sure that Mark had been terribly mauled; 
but he was up almost immediately, saying 
he was all right, breathing hard, swearing 
at himself, gathering his sail. When he was 
back over the fence, we checked his in- 
juries, which were amazingly light for the 
way he'd gone into the wire. He had a 
puncture on his ankle and some scratches 
on the same leg. He told me not to worry, 
that he'd just had a tetanus shot, that he 
was fine. Then he said, “About time for me 
to get back on the horse that threw me,” 
laid his chute on the ground and stood in 
the ready position. 

This is crazy, | thought, but I didn’t have 
а chance to say it, because Mark was into a 
monolog, scolding himself about what had 
happencd. 

“Hang glider, paraglider or anything ... 
its a mind thing. . . . Sets you on edge be- 
fore you ever get off . . . and you have to 
have your shit together. .. . Sometimes you 
have yonr shit together, sometimes you 
don’t. . . . That wasnt a physical error, it 
was a mental thing. ... . This is the time 
when all the dark shadows come up—its 
blowing, there aren't a bunch of other peo- 
ple flying and you're all by yourself on the 
mountain. And as much as you tell your- 
self the air is fine, you are going up into it 
in an air bag. 

It was nearly pitch-dark, and as foolish 
asit seemed for Mark to be attempting an- 
other flight, it occurred to me that the 
steep walk down was going to be treacher- 
ous without light, and that maybe with his 
leg the way it was, flying was his best 
chance. I told him I was going to start 
down, while I could still see a little. He said 
fine, that he might even join me. 

1 lost sight of the upper plateau as soon 
as I started down the steep upper sections. 
1 expected to sec Mark fly into view at 
some point, and when he didn't, I wor 
that maybe he'd crashed again or col- 
lapsed from shock. In any case, I knew I 
had to keep moving. Twenty minutes later, 
І spotted Mark descending the upper 
slopes, his bunched chute slung over his 
shoulder like а huge flower. 

We met at the car. "It's good to get your 
ass kicked now and then,” he s 

I nodded, said I knew what he meant, 
and I did. But mostly, I was fccling good 
that when it had been my turn up there in 
the shadow of the wind, it had been my 
fear I'd trusted. 


OUNCE OF LUCK 


(continued from page 88) 

The Nigerian shook his head and 
laughed. “No, no, my good man. Keep 
your money. You will simply be throwing it 
away if you keep betting against me. There 
is no way you or anyone else can beat me at 
a game of chance for the next twenty-four 
hours. But I'm not а greedy man. I'm 
satisfied with what I've won so far. I merely 
wanted to teach you a lesson.” 

"The thought of this arrogant small-time 
potentate from some jungle telling Alfred 
that he was being taught a lesson was more 
than he could stomach. 

“What lesson, Mr. Big Man? Tell me!” Al- 
fred bellowed, barely able to restrain him- 
self from punching the man’s confident 
grin off his round shining face. 

Ignoring his rage, the Nigerian looked 
at the dealer, then back at Alfred and, 
leaning over the table, whispered, “1 can 
tell you something about luck if you will 
come to my room with me. 1 cannot talk 
about it here.” 

Furious though Alfred was, he was also 
intrigued, He followed the Nigerian out of 
the casino, up to hisroom on the 15th floor 
Once inside, the Nigerian 
ind them, went to the 
bar and mixed them each a drink, sat 
down at the table in the center of the room 
and motioned for Alfred to sit across from 
him. Once Alfred was seated and nervous- 
ng his Scotch and soda, the 
n fingered the little bag around his 
neck, loosened the drawstrings that tied it 
shut and, between thumb and forefinger, 
extracted and placed on the table three 
small luminous beads, cach about the size 
of a raindrop. Each shone from within as if 
a minuscule light bulb had been inserted 
in it. Yet, though they glowed, they were al- 
so transparent, as Alfred could clearly see 
the grain of the tabletop through them 

“What the hell are these?” he asked. 

“Luck, my friend,” said the Nigeria 
picking one up gently between his finge 
and handing it to him, “Here, hold it. Feel 
it. Smell it.” 

Alfred took the little sphere and rolled it 
between his fingers. It was warm and he 
detected a sweet odor coming from it that 
he couldn't identify. He also noticed that 
his fingers were tingling slightly, as though 
they'd received a small electrical charge. 

“Are you crazy? I dont know what this 
damn thing is, but it sure isn’t luck. You 
cant get luck in a pill, chief. That I know.” 

Overlooking Alfred's calling him chief, 
the African replied with complete serious- 
ness. “But you don't know that. Here is the 
proof. Each one of these little, ah, crystals, 
if you will, contains a day's worth of lu 
n, I took one just before 
the double-or-nothing hand. 


Yeah, I noti 
him in disbelief. 
“But still you think th 
“All I сап say, chi 


'd,” said Alfred, 


ing at 


not luck? 
said Alfred, shak- 


ing his head, “is that you're a lot more su- 
perstitious than I gave you credit for, Who 
told you these things gave you luck, your 
witch doctor? 

^] suggest that you refrain from mock- 
ing that which you don't understand,” said 
the Nigerian, glowering. 

“Understanding voodoo bullshit isnt 
high on my list of priorities,” said Alfred, 
shoving his drink across the table, stand- 
ing and heading for the door. 

The Nigerian chuckled. “If you were 
sure that these little crystals actually con- 
tained kismet, you would pay almost any 
price if I could supply you with your own 
bagful, would you not?” 

Alfred paused at the door. 

“Well, then,” the black man continued, 
“the resolution of your doubt can be easily 
obtained by your having the opportunity 
to put my little crystals, my ‘voodoo,’ as 
you say, to the test. If you have tested them 
to your satisfaction, then I'm sure you'll 
not hesitate to part with your entire capital 
worth for an ounce of them. Or at least 
that is the only bargain that I would seri- 
ously consider.” 

The Nigerian smiled broadly, chuckled 
asif at his own private joke and took a long 
sip from his cold rosy glass of kir. 

“You know.” said Alfred, “I dont know 
what tribe you're the prince of, but they're 
n deep trouble. You're completely out of 
your mind.” So saying, he walked out, 
slamming the door behind him. 

‘Twelve hours later, Alfred knocked оп 
the hotel-room door. It opened and the 
Nigerian stood in front of him, with еуе- 
brows raised. 

“ГЇ give you three tests.” said Alfred, 
“and if you and your little beads get 
through them alive, ГЇЇ buy a bag of them. 
But not for everything [ have. [ need 
enough cash to keep living the way I want 
to. Pl! give you the rest. What the fu 

The Nigerian smiled and pursed his lips 
thoughtfully. “What, by the way, do you 
own?” he asked. 

“A chain of four hundred and seventy 
all-night’ convenience stores. They're 
called Midnight Roundups. They're most- 
ly in the Western states—Wyoming, Colo- 
rado, Arizona, California. The rest is in 
stocks, bonds and cash. 

The Nigerian frowned. "I dont like that 
business. Boring.” 

“Well, it almost runs itself. I have good. 
people running it for me. Fm sure you 
won't find: 

“I don't want it,” the black man inter- 
rupted. “How much of what you own— 
cash, bonds, stocks and so on—can you 
convert to gold in two week: 

“Gold? Thats not easy. Maybe a hun- 
dred and thirty millio 

“If you can convert about a hundred and 
thi million into gold, deliver it to the 
vault downstairs and sign this agree- 
ment"—he held out a one-page contract— 

"Il put the last three of my little crystals 


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162 


zh any three tests you desire.” 
Suppose my first test is for you to put a 
fully loaded forty-five Magnum to your 
head and pull the trigger 

“Read the agreement," said the Nigeri- 
an, walking over to the table where he was 
eating a break fast of grapefruit, coffee and 
yogurt, He poured a cup of coffee for Al- 
fred as he stood in the middle of the room, 
reading the contract. 

“OK, I agree to the first stipulation 
There has to be an clement of luck in- 
volved. That makes sense.” 

The Nigerian nodded, pulled a chair up 
to the table and began sipping his coffee 
and reading the newspaper. 

“But, hey, what the hell does this second 
paragraph mean? In return for the gold, 1 
get the bag? 1 want the luck, not the bag, 
chief. FII ТАН: the luck in aluminum foi 


5 atl have coffee with me, good 
friend,” said the Nigerian, extending his 
hand to the chair on the other side of the 
table. Alfred sat down and lighted a cigar, 

inking that perhaps he was dealing with 
a madman, in which case it's always best to 
remain calm. 
ou see,” said the Nigerian, disdainful- 
ly remoying the maraschino cherry from 
the center of the grapefruit, "the bag pro- 
duces the beads of luck each time it has a 
new owner. W forty-eight hours after. 
you receive it, it will contain twenty-eight 
crystals, cach weighing exactly one gram. 
Exactly an ounce of luck, all told.” 

“You expect me to believe that? Besides, 
I thought the old saying was that an ounce 
of luck is worth a pound of gold,” Alfred 
said sarcastically. 

“Ah, no, sir. Worth more than a pound of 


gold. In your case, it's worth about nine 
tons of gold. But, after all, it's a very old 
saying. Inflation, you know" He smiled 
broadly as he surred the strawberries up 
from the bottom of his cup of yogurt. 

“And why is this third stipulation so im- 
portant?” Alfred asked, perusing the re- 
mainder of the contract. 

“Mmmm. The part about your having to 
wear the little bay around your neck until 
the luck is used up? Yes, that’s very neces- 
sary. And so is the last stipulation, that you 
use all of the luck within two years after 
you receive it. Both of those things are 
very important for the magic to work 
properly” 

Having finally come to the conclusion 
that the Nigerian wasn't insane but merely 
deeply superstitious and, therefore, deeply 
|, Alfred smiled to himself. He was 
going to have some fun with this pompous 
man; so much fun that the Nigerian would 
beg him to take back the half million he 
had won from him, just to buy out of the 
deal. 

“Well, my good chief,” Alfred said jaun- 
y sitting at the table once again and al- 
lowing himself to take a big swallow of the 
hot coftee, "I think we can work something 
out. I can have the gold delivered here in 
forty-eight hours. We can instruct the bank 
that if you claim the gold in thirty days, it's 
yours. After thirty days, only I can take it 
out of the vault. We'll get two keys; one for 
you and onc for me. If you live through my 
tests, I take the bag and you come here and 
take the gold. If you dont survive, I re- 
claim the gold after a month has passed 
Agreed?” 

Alfred took a pen from his vest pocket 
and held it poised over the contract, wait- 


“Tm tired of being all that I can be.” 


ing for the Nigerian's assent, The Nigerian 
reached into the pouch, took out the three 
beads of luck and laid them on the table, 
then rolled each one between his fingers 
for a moment. At last, he looked up at Al- 
fred with a smile of peaceful resignation 
and nodded. 

Alfred signed the contract, then pushed 
t across the table. The Nigerian affixed his. 
signature to the document, then produced 
a duplicate contract, which they both 
signed. The Nigcrian Кері onc copy and 
Alfred folded his and slipped it into his. 
suit jacket. 

“ГІ see you in twenty-four hou 
said, heading for the door. 

“But. . . ” The Nigerian leaped to his 
feet and followed Alfred out into the ball- 
way. “But aren't you going to tell me the. 
three tests 

Alfred chuckled deep in his throat and 
his eyes radiated sheer cruelty. He greatly 
enjoyed watching furrows of anxiety ap- 
pear on the Nigerian's forehead. 

"Perhaps you're not as superstitious as 1 
thought," he said with feigned admiration. 
. 

Two days later, the African received a 
gold-embossed card that read: 


he 


I invite you to spend the weekend 
with me at my summer home on San 
Cristobal Island. A Learjet is waiting 
for you at the airport on runway 24. 
The jet is stocked with caviar, lobster, 
shrimp and excellent wines. Гуе had а 
selection of African music programed 
into the sound system, though I dont 
know if it’s to your taste. If you want 
something else, just ask the stew- 
ardess. She's entirely at your service. 
Enjoy your flight. 


Yours, Alfred. 


frican frowned, crumpled the in- 
vitation, threw it into the wastebasket and 
began packing his bags. 


Che first test,” Alfred, right after 
he and the African had finished a dinner 
of crab-and-kiwi salad, broiled shark and 
baked rum custard, "comes now. 

They were aboard Alfred's 300-foot 
yacht, the Too Me, and it was midnight. 
The lights flickered for a moment in the 
dining cabin and Alfred ordered the wait- 
er to inquire if there were a problem top- 
side. Once they were alone, he continued, 
“The lights always flicker on this damn 
thing. Anyway, what youre going to do is 
simple. Tonight, you're going to jump over- 
board wearing а life preserver. Were 
about a mile offshore, and from now until 
dawn, the current vill be raking you to the 
coast of the island. Can you swim?” The 
African nodded 

“Good, all you have to do is paddle to 
shore between now and sunrise, at which 
time the tide will begin to reverse its flow. 
1f you make it to the shore, it’s a two-mile 
walk to my estate. You should be able to. 
make it there by noon tomorrow easily, 


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PUL RY ee, Os; 


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provided you can swim ashore. What do 
you say?" 

"Ah, as you say so quaintly, what's the 
catch?” asked the African. 

‘Sharks, jellyfish, coral reefs as sharp as 
ves. In that order," said Alfred, with de 
lighted amusement. “Have some more 
wine or some custard before you go?" He 
poised a bottle over the Africans glass but 
wasn't surprised when he covered it with 
hand, 

Water is enough,” said the Nigerian, 
reaching into the pouch around his neck, 
extracting one of the small beads and slip- 
ping it into his mouth. 

Alfred handed him a glass of ice water 
and watched him drink. Then, raising his 
wineglass as a toast, he said with a mis- 
chievous chuckle, "Good luck, chief." 

"The African looked at him with imperi- 
ous disinterest and said calmly, "Lead me 
to the deck.” 

Five minutes later, he was overboard. 

Alfred knew the waters well. The mako 
sharks were always hungry and there were 
hundreds, maybe thousands of them cir- 
ding in the cove every night, feeding on 
the schools of pompano and mullet. When 
the African began kicking his legs and try- 
ing to swim, the sharks would surely get 
him. But if he somehow managed to get 
within 1000 yards offshore without being 
eaten by the sharks, he would have to swim 
through a virtual asteroid belt of jelly- 
fish—so many that sometimes they gath- 
ered in great clumps spanning 100 feet 
across, each trailing dozens of 50-foot ten- 
tacles containing one of the most potent 
paralyzing agents known. If the African 
touched but one of these tentacles, it would 
be unlikely that he'd ever make it within. 
100 yards of the shore. But if he did, he 
would encounter jagged coral reefs. To cut 
himself would be death, for his blood 
would call the sharks. And even if he man- 
aged to cross the reefs, his wounds would 
make him too weak to have any hope of 
walking two miles in the sun. 

For all of these reasons, Alfred was as- 
tonished when the African walked into hi: 
sitting room the next day precisely at noon 
and explained, as he bid one of Alfred's 
butlers to bring him a glass of cold guava 
juice, that shortly after Alfred had aban- 
doned him in the water, the yacht of a 
wealthy Saudi Arabian had foundered оп а 
sand bar not 100 yards from him. He had 
called out and they had taken him aboard, 
given him dry clothes, a bowl of hot stew 
and a bunk to sleep in until morning. Dur- 
ing the night, the tide had risen and swept 
the Saudi's yacht off the sand bar, and the 
crew had pulled into port for repairs, let- 
ting the Nigerian go ashore. 

“And I suppose,” said Alfred after the 
African had finished his account, “that 
you attribute your extraordinary good 
luck to your little beads?” 

‘The African said nothing but merely 
smiled and sipped his fruit j 

“You may be convinced,” 


sneered Al- 


fred, “but I'm not. Not with a conviction 
worth a hundred and thirty million dol- 
zat, then meet me out- 
night. We'll go 
fora walk. Be sure to bring your little bag." 
' said the African, feigning um- 
brage, “I wouldnt travel without it. It's bet- 
ter than American Express, you agree?" 
. 

“Smell something familiar?” Alfred 
asked with a conspiratorial grin as he led 
the Nigerian on a moonlit tour through his 
private 200. 

"Ahhh, yes,” replied the Nigerian, 
pointedly sniffing in all directions, "the 
aroma of evil. 

"The aroma of day-old lion shit, to be 
specific,” said Alfred, pausing to toss sev- 
eral small sirloin steaks to a pair of large 
and vicious-looking pit bulls that followed 
him wherever he walked. 

“Just over the next hill, I have my big 
cats, | have Siberian tigers, black cheetahs 
and snow leopards. Beautiful animals 
don't y 

"Quite beautiful,” the African agreed 
solemnly, softly caressing the bag around 
his neck with his left hand. 

"But [ suppose you'd be more interested 
in seeing my two pairs of African lions. 
Oh, yes, and the baby. Cute little thing. Just 
able to walk around the cage with the big 
lions. Нег mother's quite protective of her, 
though." 

As they approached the big-cat cages, 
the animals began to growl and howl with 
such ferocity that the African couldnt help 
swallowing hard. Alfred noticed this and 
smiled with delight. “They haven't been 
fed since day before yesterday" he said, 
looking about in search of something. 
"Ah, yes, there it i 

He was referring to a large wooden box 
that had apparently been deposited there 
by one of his servants. He opened it and in- 
side were several pounds of steaks and 
roasts packed on ice. These he began toss- 
ing into the cages. He first fed the snow. 
leopards, then the black cheetahs and 
finally the tigers before announcing that, 
by some mistake, the servants hadn't left 
enough food for the lions. 

"Which, it seems," he said, turning to 
face the African, “brings us to your second 
little test. There is a bolted door at either 
end of the lion cage. What 1 want you to do 
is simply open the door on the left, step in- 
to the cage, walk to the other door, open it 
and walk out. If you come out the other 
door alive, ГЇ throw a free Rolls-Royce 
to the deal.” With that, he lighted ас 
and began to chuckle to himself. He then 
went to the wooden box and opened a side 
compartment that contained a 30-06 rifle. 
He loaded it and held out three bullets in 
the palm of his hand. 

“If you get in trouble, and if youre lucky, 
ГИ make four perfect shots through the 
bars of that cage before they tear open 
your main arteries. Fair enough?” 

“You are generous,” said the African, 
trying to swallow one of the luck beads 


despite his dry mouth. 

“Have some Perrier from my canteen,” 
Alfred offered cheerfully. The African 
gulped down the water, then looked for a 
moment as though he might be overcome 
with nausea. 

“Don't think I ever saw a black man go 
green before, chief.” Alfred said, taunting 
the lions by dangling a hunk of meat just 
outside the bars. 

“Please stop that,” said the African. "I'm 
going. Just be sure you keep the larger fe- 
male in your sights. She looks to be the 
most dangerous.” 

“Well, you sure know your big cats,” said 
Alfred admiringly training his rifle on the 
cage as the African quietly pulled back the 
bolton the door. 

As he stepped inside, the lions stopped. 
growling and looked at him with wary sur- 
prise. The African stood paralyzed by the 
door. 
30 on. chiet.” shouted Alfred. "Walk" 

But the African couldnt move. Then, 
with a terrifying hint of their impending 
attack, the lions began to crouch and growl 
deep in their throats. Sull, the African 
couldnt move. He merely closed his eyes 
and clasped his hands, as if in prayer. 

“Well, if you can't walk across, then get 
the hell out, man!" shouted Alfred. 

But the African was trembling. His 
knees were locked. He knew the lions 
smelled his fear. He knew they would be 
upon him before he could turn around 

At that moment, there came а great 
howling and barking as Alfred's pit bulls 
hurtled down the hill in pursuit of a 
zigzagging jack rabbit. The jack rabbit, 
mindful only of the dogs behind it, mo- 
mentarily ignored what lay in front of it 
and mistakenly leaped into the cage. The 
streak of movement unleashed the coiled 
energy that the big animals were about to 
vent upon the African, and all four adult 
lions rushed to the far corner of the cage 
to participate in the capture and dismem- 
berment of the hapless hare. In that brief 
moment, the African managed to break 
his paralysis, rush to the other door and 
slip out just before the lions realized that 
there was hardly enough rabbit meat to go. 
around. 


. 

“Your performance last night in the lion 
cage was amusing," Alfred said to the 
African the next morning as they boarded 
Alfred's personal aircraft. 

“For a man with deep confidence in his 

luck beads," he continued, “you seemed 
quite terrified. But I suppose that was for 
my benefit?" 
"The hody has its own instinctive fears, 
you know,” replied the African, taking a 
seat at the back of the small aircraft and 
carefully adjusting the round hat atop his 
head, which had been nudged askew by 
the winds gusting across the landing strip. 
“But tell me now; why have you brought 
me to this airplane? 

“TIL tell you later" Alfred yelled back 


from the cockpit, “so meanwhile, enjoy 
yourself. There's a cooler back there 
beer, wine, caviar and sandwiches.” 

The Africans reply was drowned by the 
engines as Alfred began his take-off. The 
African stretched out and dozed off with 
his right hand clasped around the small 
leather bag. 

“Wake up,” said Alfred, hours later. 
“We've crossed the Coral Sea.” 

“Which means?” asked the Nigerian, sit- 
ting up straight and adjusting his hat. 

“Which means that we're over the Aus- 
tralian mainland. Queensland territory, 
to be specific. About a half hour from 
Hughenden.” 
“Explain yourself, sir,” said the African 
impatiently. And then he noticed that Al- 
fred was holding a pistol. 
ve me the little bag,” said Alfred. 
. - I can hardly believe that youre 
doing this,” said the African, obviously 
shaken. “L thought you were an honorable 
man. | thought we had an agreement. You 
were to give me three tests. If I passed 
them, I would willingly give you the bag 
and you would willingly give me the gold. 
Now you wish to steal it from me and kill 


You misjudge me, chief," said Alfred, 
laughing. "L am giving you three tests. 
You're about to take your third, asa matter 
of fact. I don't intend to kill you with this 
gun. It’s merely insurance." 

“Against what?” 

“Against the possibility thar you might 
trv to get out of your third test. Would you 
like to know what itis?” 

"The African nodded. 

“Well, you're going to jump out of this 
airplane with no parachute, from a height 
of seven thousand feet." 

"But, sir," protested the African, "there 
is no chance of my surviving such a fall. No 
man could fall from this height and live. 
To ask me to do that is a breach of con- 
ict 

"Oh, no, it isn't. Would you agree that if 
such a thing had ever been done before, it 
wouldnt be impossible? Of course you 
would. Well, it just so happens that accord- 
ing to Ripley's Beli 
miliar with that book? Anyway, 
it says a man once survived a seven-thou: 
sand-foot fall from an airplane. It has been 
done once. Therefore, there is a chance, 
however remote, that it might 
again. Do you agree?" 
ed at Alfred for a long 
quietly, “Do you know 
that you're quite mad?” 

Alfred cuffed the man with his open 
hand, grabbed him by the neck of his robe 
and yanked him to his feet. 

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hundred and thirty million dollars on the 
line! Men have killed for far, far less. I'm 
merely making sure that what I'm trading 
my money for is worth the price. Now, head 
for that door, take your luck pill and give 


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me the goddamn bag!" 

Alfred waved the gun toward the cabin. 
door just behind the cockpit and the 
African obeyed him. He reached into the 
leather pouch, extracted the last bead and 
swallowed it. He gently removed the pouch 
from his neck and s d softly as he 
handed it to Alfred. Without saying a 
word, Alfred yanked open the hatch, 
shoved the African through the portal and 
quickly struggled to reseal it. Having done 
so, he rushed to the cockpit to regain con- 
trol of the craft. 

His only regret was that he hadnt had 
enough time to confess that the story about 
Ripleys Believe It or Not was a lie. He would 
have loved to see the expression on the. 
Africans face. 


. 

Two days later, back in his office in 
downtown Denver, Alfred told his secre- 
tary to hold his calls, then opened his top. 
desk drawer and took out the brown- 
leather bag. He noticed that his pulse 
quickened, just as it did before sex or wi 
ning at poker, as he loosened the draw- 
string. But something was wrong. As hard 
as he pulled, the bag wouldn't open. Al- 
though nothing visible kept the aperture 
dosed, it remained tightly sealed, as if in- 
visible fingers were pressing it shut. 

"hen he remembered the stipulation in 


the contract that the bag be hung around 
his neck. 

The moment he did so, the mouth of the 
bag unfolded softly, not unlike a flower. 
Looking down into it, he saw a cluster of 
tiny glowing capsules. 

Tenderly he slipped his fingers into the 
bag and removed one of the glowing 
beads, swallowed it, then picked up the 
telephone and called his bookie. 

“Hello, George? Alfred. 1 want to put 
ten grand on every long shot you can find. 
I want the worst horses in every race at ev- 
ery race track. 1 want the Іше on every un- 
derdog sporis team, every bum prize 
fighter and every lottery in the world. Oh, 
play any number you want. It doesnt mat- 
know it could cost me a comple of 
million. I can afford it. Just do it." 

He hung up and had his secretary re- 
serve a table at his favorite restaurant. 

As he settled into the back seat of his 
luxuriously appointed limousine and 
poured himself a spot of cognac, he ab- 
sent-mindedly watched the other car: 
cruising beside him on the highway, think- 
ing to himself that he would very soon be 
the richest man in the world. Only when he 
noticed that the limo was speeding toward 
the median strip did he realize that some- 
thing was wrong. He yanked back the cur- 
tain between himself and his chauffeur 
and found the man slumped over the 


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rated from the front scat by a bulletproof 
glass, there was nothing Alfred could do 
but stare in horror as thc limousine vault- 
ed the median strip and slammed into the 
side of an 18-wheeler. 

Two weeks later, as he recovered in the 
hospital after surgery, the nurses had to in- 


ject him with a tranquilizer when he re- 
ceived a postcard from the African that 
said: 
Sorry to hear about your bad luck. 
Mine is fine. | fell into a large haystack 
behind the country home of a very 
nice physician from Sydney He treat- 
ed me immediately for shock, then 
rushed me to the nearest hospital. I 
suffered only a broken wrist and an- 
kle. I have collected the gold. Also the 
Rolls-Royce you promised when I es- 
caped your lions. Thank you for the 
good sport. 


Once Alfred calmed down, he phoned 
his personal attaché and ordered him to 
find the African and bring him to the hos- 
pital immediately. 

When the African arrived, sed as 
usual in his striped robe and flat white hat, 
Alfred became nearly apoplectic with rage 
and the nurses wanted the African to 
leave, but Alfred overruled them. 

"The African took a seat at his bedside, 


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PLAYBOY 


168 


nodded and smiled. 

“It didn't work!” yelled Alfred. 

“No?” asked the African. 

“Bullshit! I lost two million in long-shot 
bets in one day! And on the very same god- 
damned day I very nearly lost my life! How 
the hell can you say that was good luck? [ts 
the worst luck Гус ever had!” 

“Precisely,” said the African. 


sce, you bought a bag of luck, my 
end," said the African, with tones one 
might use to speak to a child. “I never said 
the beads were all good luck. Half of them 
good and half of them are bad, as a 
matter of fact. The only way you can tell 
which one youre taking is to wait and see 
what happens to you. But, by a careful 
process of elimination, you can eventually 
know how many of each kind you have left. 
If youre lucky"—he chuckled at his own 
joke—“if you're as lucky as was I, you'll use 
all the bad luck carly. 

“You see," he continued, “I had already 
had fourteen days of the worst luck a n 
could have when I met yo nd I'd had 
only ten days of good luck. So I knew what 
my last four beads were: 

As the Africans words sank deep into 
Alfred's se 
right in the bed and violently 
leather pouch, wanting to fling it away. But 
the moment he touched it, the leather 
string lightened around his neck and 
continued to tighten until he thought 
he would suffocate. Then, just before he 
passed out, it loosened. As he heaved for 
breath, the African shook his head. 

“Tsk, tsk, you didn't believe the c 
did you? I told you that 
off until youd used all the beads. Now do 
you understand?’ 

Alfred nodded. And then, for the first. 
time since he was a boy, he began to cry 
Great gulping sobs burst out of him and he 
buried his face in a pillow. 

“There, there,” said the African sympa- 
їһєпсайу, “I know exactly how you feel. 
Here. Let me show you what Гуе been 
through. Perhaps you'll feel better. You see 
that my little finger is missing on my left 
nd? That happened with my first bad- 
luck bead. | have a scar on my stomach 
from the second one, scars from bullet 
holes in my buttocks from the third, I have 
grafted skin on my right leg from the 
fourth, a bit of steel plating in back of my 
skull from the fifth. 

Alfred waved for the African to stop. 

“1... I believe you,” he said, blowing his 
nose and wiping his eyes, "but isn't there 
Suppose I just don't swal- 
low any of the beads?" 

You can do that, but if vou do, at the 
end of two years, the bag will strangle you 
1o death." 

“Well, what about taking a bad luck and 
a good luck together? Maybe they'll cancel 
each other out. 

“How will you know which is wl 1 
could never tell them apart myself. No, sir, 


there is no way out of it, There are two 
consolations, however. The first is that no 
matter how badly you may be injured by 
the bad-luck beads, they will never kill 
you. You may lose a limb or two, but you'll 
always survive. The second is that if you 
play your odds right, you can make more 
of vour good luck than your bad luck 
nakes of you. Do you get my gist?" 

Alfred nodded forlornly, sighed and 
d at the ceiling. After a moment, he 
motioned to the African to leave him 
alone. At the door, the African turned, 
pressed his palms together and bowed. 

“Good luck, chief,” he said, and then de- 
parted with a broad smile. 

The Africans smile angered Alfred, 
and his anger jolted him out of his de- 
spondency He sat up, sipped water from а 
glass at his bedside and tried to think. He 
thought until his brain grew tired and he 
dozed off. When he awoke the following 
morning, he knew what he had to do. 

“It was so simple all along.” he said, 
chuckling, as he carefully poured all 97 of 
the little beads out of the pouch into the 
palm of his left hand. He then reached for 
the glass, lifted it to toast the African and 
said, "Here's to luck, chief," tossed the 
beads into his mouth and swallowed them 
in one gulp. 

He had reasoned that if he'd. already 
taken one bad-luck bead, there was now 
one more good-luck bead than bad in the 
bag, and if every good-luck bead canceled 
out a bad-luck one, the effect would be one 
day of good luck. 
rowing that he had only 24 hours 
which to take advantage of his guaranteed 
good fortune, he went to work on recoup- 
ing his losses. He dialed his bookie 

“George? Alfred. I want to place anoth- 
er couple of million on long-shot bets.” 

“The last time you asked me to do that, 1 
thought you were ci Al,” said George, 
“but now I figure you know what you're do- 
ing. You must be the luckiest son of a bitch 
in the world." 

"What are you talking about? 1 lost ev- 
ery goddamned bct the last timc. You told 
me yourself day before yesterday that all 
my horses ran last, all my dogs ran last, 
all my teams went belly-up and all my box- 
ers got their asses kicked. Plus which I to- 
taled my Rolls and damned ncar totaled 
myself. 

“Ain't you read the papers, Al? Didn't 
nobody call you and tell you about the six- 
ty million? Didnt nobody in your organi- 
zation tell you about the guys in the truck 
you hit? 

“What sixty million?” 

“Well, ГЇЇ be,” said George, chuckling. 
“The man makes headlines in every paper 
in America and nobody tells him about it. 
You ought to fire somebody for not telling 
you, Al. Course, maybe your doctors didn't 
want you to get excited. Anyway, sure, you 
lost all those bets I told you about, but since 
you told me to buy you lottery tickets, 1 
bought you a thousanı every state with a 
louery and I bought you some numbers in 


the Irish sweepstakes. The drawings were 
yesterday and you hit the jackpot in New 
Jersey and Illinois. You got mil from. 
Jersey and four mil from Illinois. But the 
ass kicker is that you won the Irish sweeps 
for fifty. Fifty million big ones. baby! 
"What?" said Alfred, stunned. 
“Its in all the afternoon papers, Al. You 
ought to be hearing from the newspaper 
nd television people іп a couple of hours. 
You're the first man in history to hit three 
multimillion-dollar lotteries on the same 
day. Not to mention your crimc-buster act 


ie buster? What the hell are you 
talking about, George?" 

“Jeez, you really ought to fire somebody 
for not kceping you informed, Al. The 
truck you hit with your Rolls was filled 
with stolen goods. You know where from? 
From your Midnight Roundup warehous- 
es, that's where. There was a gang of guys 
who worked for you who'd been robbing 
you blind for the past six months. The two 
in the truck you slammed confessed and 
the cops busted the whole bunch. They 
could have ruined your business if they'd 
kept it up for another year or so. But, 
thanks to your fabulous luck, your acci- 
dent is sending them all to the slammer. 
‘That was in this mornings paper. You 
didnt know about that either? You really 
ought o” 

But Alfred had already hung up. Не 
stumbled out of bed and limped painfully 
to the toilet vehere, shoving a finger down 
his throat, he tried to vomit up the beads. 

But, as he feared, it was too late. He 
heard the whine of the hospital's smoke 
alarms, then he smelled smoke and heard 
people running through the corridors out- 
side his room, shouting "Fire!" He tried to 
open the bathroom door, but something 
was blocking it. Frantic with fear, he 
rammed his shoulder against the door, 
beat his fists upon it and shricked for 
someone to get him out until he collapsed 
on the floor. 

And there, as he laid his head on the 
cool tiles, he realized why the door 
wouldnt open. 

The little brown pouch was crammed 
under it, acting as a doorjamb 

. 

The firemen rescued him just in time to 
save fe. He required plastic surgery. 
and skin grafts for the third-degree burns 
he had suffered, but he survived, just as 
the African said he would. 

And for the rest of his life, Alfred 
‘Toomey Ш never gambled again. When 
George asked him why he explained, 
"George, there are two ways to make a lot 
of money. One is to work hard and invest 
what you and the other is to have a 
lot of luck. I can afford to work hard, but I 
can't afford luck, Its too expensive.” 

George didn't understand, but Alfred 
. He kept the little brown bag in a glass 
case on his desk as a reminder. 


LOVE & SEX 


(continued from page 129) 
sexual experience you can recall? In what 
ways do you think it has had a positive or a 
negative influence on your life? 

“When you are attracted to someone 
and another person begins to show a lot of 
interest in him or her, does it strengthen 
your feelings? Has such a competitive urge 
ever led you to believe you were more in 
love with someone than you actually were? 

«If a month before your wedding your 
wealthy fiancé(e) suggested drawing up 
a prenuptial agreement specifying the 
financial terms of a divorce, how would 
you react? What kind of terms would be 
fair in such an agreement? 

* If your sexual rapport with your part- 
ner began to deteriorate, would you try to 
find the underlying causes or deal directly 
with the sexual problem? 

*Arc you more attracted to people 
whose personalities are similar to yours or 
different? What differences attract you 
and why? 

- When was the last time you made love 
so spontaneously you wouldn't have pre- 
dicted it a half hour before? What atti- 
tudes lead to such surprises? What ones 
keep them from happening? 

* How do you react when someone gives 
you the eve in a public place? In what situa- 
tions do you flirt, and why do you do it? 

* If you could watch a video of yourself 


making love, would you want to? 

+ What in someone's life—for example, 
religion, profession, ethnic background, 
age. health problems, marital history— 
would keep you from marrying a person 
you had fallen in love with? 

* When you have sex with someone for 
the first time, do you feel you are making 
an implicit commitment, even if nothing is 
stated? H so, what is that commitment, and 
how does it change if your intimacy contin- 
ues for a number of weeks or months? 

* If you were dating several people and 
one of them sent you a love note and 
flowers, would you hide them or display 
them openly? If asked about them, would 
you explain their origin to the others? 

* Would you rather your lover become 
loudly angry for a few hours or quietly an- 
noyed for a few days? When your lover is 
angry with you and won't admit it, how do 
you know? 

* At what periods in your life have you 
been most vulnerable to the temptations of 
an affair, and what were you sccking from 
another person at those times? Haye you 
ever seriously contemplated and then con- 
sciously avoided an affair? If so, what 
stopped you? 

* How many times have you been with 
someone you thought you would be with 
forever? Can you remember the exact mo- 
ment you realized that you and your part- 
ner were right for each other? 

* What is the difference between being 


in love and being infatuated? Do you be- 
lieve in love at first sight? Have you ever 
fallen in love because you craved the intox- 
icating feelings of being in love? 

* What that your partner does makes you 
feel most loved? Do you think your partner 
is aware of this? 


*Have you ever loved someone you 
didn't respect? If so, did it make you re- 


spect yourself le: 

= What were the best lovemaking experi- 
ences you remember? What made them so 
special for you? 

* Have you ever spent a lot of money on 
an evening whose primary focus was to get 
someone to have sex with you? If so, what 
would you have done if you had known you 
could be successful only by giving that per- 
son the money directly? Have you ever had 
sex with someone because the person was 
very generous to you? If so,what if you had 
instead been offered the money directly? 

+ How does it make you feel when your 
partner complains that you don't listen ог 
express yourself enough? 

«If you had been seeing someone for a 
few weeks and you were attracted to each 
other, do you think you would be more 
likely to get married if you started sleeping 
together or if you resisted doing so? If you 
wanted to have sex and the other person 
refused, how long would it take you to con- 
sider ending the romance? 


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STEVE CONWAY 


ON: THE 


== KEY N OVE 


hat's the most mundane accessory in the male 
wardrobe? Probably the key chain. All too often, 
it's just a ring that has as much personality as a 
doorknob. So since you have to carry one, why 
not flaunt it and go for some style? A good key chain should 


feel right without overpowering your person. (Is that a key 


I AW 3 NY 


ADDRESS 


chain in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?) It can 
reflect your hobbies or sport the marque of your favorite 
wheels or even designer initials. And if you really want to 
make an impression that will open doors, have your spare 
home key cut from a gold blank, such as the Tiffany one pic- 
tured here. Whoever you give one to will be sure not to lose it. 


Below, left to right: Miniature 18-kt.-gold golf cart with clubs that permanently stay in the golf bag, from Asprey, New York, $1270; and a gold 
key blank, from Tiffany, Beverly Hills, $275. Silver-plated key ring with gold-plated accenting, from Cartier, Chicago, $280. Georg Jensen-de- 
signed stainless-steel key ring, from Sointu, New York, $23. Sterling-silver-and-enamel Maserati key chain, from T. Anthony, New York, $130. 
Brass-and-leather key fob, from Mark Cross, Inc., Chicago, $45. Sterling-silver Social Security key ring for engraving, from Tiffany, $65. 


A 


On 


۵ 
3 


NOLHONOHNY TY 


Suits Her to a T 

Norwegian actress MARIANNA MOEN can 
fill a T-shirt. She can also act. Marianna had 
five successful movies under her belt when 
she migrated to Hollywood. She managed to 
parlay a European Love Boat episode into a 
supporting role in the new film Fate. Mari- 
anna's sold on America now and plans to 
stay. We're sold on Marianna. See how well 
things work out? 


The responsi 
BILLY IDOL into a bore. No, si 

Lister's birthday bash, Billy sang and 
checked out the dancers, This one 
checked out fine. 


Ain't Nothing 
Like the Real Thing 


EDIE BRICKELL & NEW BOHEMIANS 


are for real. 


islen to their smash debut 


album, Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars, or catch them 
‘on tour with Don Henley. Says Edie, “1 don't consider myself 
some ‘woman in rock,’ 1 consider myself a part of a good band.” 


O KEVIN WINTER ОМ! 


Delightful, Delicious, Delia 

Actress DELIA SHEPPARD is a dish. She recently finished her 
first starring role ina dark-comedy version of Body Heat called 
Sexbomb, about (are you ready?) sex, werewolves and rock 
androlL Delia also appears in the movies Born on the Fourth of 
July and Young Rebels. We're ready for Delia! 


ISVNOSSTOM NOH û 


Much More than a Pretty Face 


Singer/choreographer PAULA ABDUL has talent and beauty. 
Her album Forever Your Girl went double platinum. She 
choreographed scenes in Coming to America and is now 
working on the choreography for Meryl Streep's version of 
Evita. A new album will be out next year. Paula's hot. 


He Gives 
Hip Lip 

Admit it. Youve 
been flipping your 
TV dial late at night. 
Ted talks too much, 
Johnny's never 
home, Pat's a little 
goofy, Jay only visits, 
and that leaves your. 
most interesting 
choice, ARSENIO 
HALL. He's warm, 
smart, funny and a 
cool dude. 


ETE 
луамзлянун э 


THE LAUGH'S ON YOU 


Joey Adams is the author of more than 50 books 
on humor, and he has been a "court jester" to the 
White House for four Administrations. If that. 
isn't enough to make you laugh, Adams has just. 
written Guaranteed to Make You Laugh, a "one- 
volume library of all-ncw jokes, toasts, roasts and 
one-liners,” published by Wynwood Press. The 
subjects covered range from absent-minded peo- 
ple (“I once suffered from senility—but I forgot 
about it”) to worst jokes (“The penalty for bigamy 
is two mothers-in-law"). The price: $16.95. Ha! 


THE BODY BEAUTIFUL 
Looking for something offbeat to perk up your 
coffee table? Try Body Packaging, by Julian 


Robinson, a profusely illustrated hardcover histo- 
ry of the evolution of sexual display in clothing 
styles and popular adornment. The book begins 
with the origins of clothes and continues covering 
everything from codpieces to crinolines right up 
to the final eye-popping prediction of what 
women will be w Body Packaging costs 
$28.95, postpaid, um Growth Press, 
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POTPOURRI 


Ж 
TEN 
LOVE FOR SALE 


The late Alberto Vargas originally painted He Loves Me, pictured 
above, back in the Thirtics. And Playboy later reproduced it in Jan- 
чагу 1968 as part of The Vargas Girl, a homage to "four decades 
of beauty by Playboys nonpareil portrayer of voluptuous feminine 
pulchritude.” Now Playboy and Mirage Editions, Inc., 1658 Tenth 
Street, Department 711, Santa Monica, California 90404, are offer- 
ing prints of He Loves Me in a limited issue printed in a 19- 

color lithographic process on 100 percent archival paper. Each 
measures 29%" x 21%”, and no prints will be produced after Sep- 
tember 30, 1989. The price is $75, postpaid (except for foreign 
orders), For credit-card orders outside California, call 800-228- 
5819; inside California, call 213-450-2240. 


-— 


HATS OFF TO INDY 


Stetson’s Indiana Jones hat has 
been around since Raiders of 
the Lost Ark came out some 
years ago. But now, to coincide 
with the opening of the third 
film, Indiana Jones and the Last 
Crusade, Stetson has begun 
marketing it in a major way 
The hat is a brown fedora with 
a 2%" brim. The price: $75. 
And since it has an official In- 
diana Jones lining, you know 
this Stetson is going to become 
a collector's item; so try not to 
sweat when you go searching 
for fortune and glory. 


RUNAWAY SUCCESS 


The Performance Running audio cassette 
is like having a full-time track coach jog- 
ging at your elbow. Just pop it into your 
personal stereo and take off with a synco- 
pated musical running pace pulsating in 
your head. Subliminal suggestions woven 
into the sound track ак per- 
formance. If you run a ten-minute mile, 
order the Beginning Tape. An eight- 
minute mile calls for the Intermediate 
one, and if you can pound out a six- 
minute mile, go for the Advanced num- 
ber. All are $15.95 cach sent to Outerskin 
Performance, PO. Bo: 
California 9021975 


7, Beverly Hills, 


LONG LIVE THE COX & KINGS 


Cox & Kings, a British travel company 
founded in 1758, has finally gotten 
around to opening an office in the Big 
Apple, at 511 Lexington Avenue, 
York 10017 (it's in the Lexington Hotel). 
And it's a jolly good thing for us that it 
did, because Cox & Kings offers some ter- 
trips. Its catalog of grand tours will 
take you to imperial Morocco, Russia 
for Easter or the desert castles of 
Jordan—and you should, 
you'll go in Injah, 


THERE’S A SMALL 
HOTEL 


If youre planning a trip to 
Chicago and want to stay in a 
Euro-style tech hotel as sleck 
and slick as a Porsche on the 
autobahn, try Hotel 21 East at 
21 East Bellevue in the heart of 
the Rush Street night-club dis- 
trict. Rooms all feature a CD 
player and a VCR (witha library 
of dises apes avail- 

able), 
style custom shower stall and 

a steeping bath, plus a well- 
stocked minibar. Rates begin at 
$170. Suites are $235 to $255 
and penthouses are $400 to 
$500. For hotel reservations, 
call 800-443-2100. 


COME FLY WITH US 


You say you have 100,000 miles 
in United’ ;ePlus plan, 
50,000 in American's AAdvan- 
tage program and 10,000 in 
Вгапі 5 Get-It-All account, 
and vou don't know which way 
10 fly first? Turn your troubl 
over to Frequent Flyer Man- 
agement Company, à new outfit 
at PO. Box 4850, Louisville, 
Kentucky 40204, that helps 
viduals get 
the maximum benefit from air- 
line, hotel and other travel- 
award programs. The annual 
fee is $70, and a call to 800- 
458-1828 will get you all the in- 
formation to get you to your 
destination. Up, up and away! 


THE SPIRIT OF 
GLASNOST 


From the historic Cristall Dis- 
Шегу in Moscow comes 
Stolichnaya Cristall, a limited- 
edition ultrapremium vodka 
thats r than a capitalist іп 
the Kremlin. Cristall is 
tilled from winter wheat and 
ade with glacial waters that 
ге polished and filtered by 
special processes the Ru: 
are nyet likely to reveal, even in 
the age of glasnost. A limited 
amount of Cristall is being 
ported into the U.S. by 
lonsieur Henri Wines, and 
vou spot a bottle, give it а 
shot—preferably ice cold taken 
straight or on the rocks. Since 
Cristall is priced about $20 а 
bottle, we won't be mixing it 
with bouillon, comrade! 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


DETROIT LUNACY 


“THE MADISON HEIGHTS SYNDROME"—TWO DE- 
TROITERS SURVIVE A HOSTAGE CRISIS AT A 7-ELEVEN. 
THE QUESTION IS, CAN THEY MAKE IT THROUGH THE 
ENSUING MEDIA MADNESS UNSCATHED?—FICTION BY 
OUR COLLEGE CONTEST WINNER, A. M. WELLMAN 


“GIRLS OF THE SOUTHEAST CONFERENCE”—DON'T 
MISS THIS HEART-STOPPING PICTORIAL WITH SOME OF 
THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE BELLES FROM DEAR OLD 
DIXIE. SUGAR, THEY'RE SURE TO WOO YA 


“RETURN TO ANIMAL HOUSE”—ELEVEN YEARS LAT- 
ER, THE MAN WHO WROTE THE FILM REVISITS THE 
ALPHA DELTA HOUSE AND FINDS THAT THE FUN HAS 
NEVER STOPPED—BY CHRIS MILLER 


KEITH RICHARDS TALKS ABOUT HIS VOLATILE RELA- 
TIONSHIP WITH MICK, GOING BACK WITH THE STONES 
AFTER GOING IT ALONE AND HIS JOURNEY FROM 
CHOIRBOY TO ART STUDENT TO ROCK STAR IN A 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY LONGTIME BUDDY STAN- 
LEY BOOTH 


“COLLEGE WOMEN TALK ABOUT SEX"—HEY, YOU 
COLLEGE GUYS OUT THERE: PUT AWAY YOUR TEXT- 
BOOKS AND LISTEN UP, BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO 


FIND OUT WHAT'S REALLY ON COEDS' MINDS WHEN IT 
COMES TO DATING, SEX, AIDS AND MEN—A PLAYBOY 
SPECIAL REPORT BY SOCIOLOGIST JANET LEVER 


*REECE'S CHAIR"—A LEGACY FROM HOLLANDERS 
LATE BUSINESS PARTNER, ASCIENTIFIC GENIUS, TURNS. 
OUT TO BE A MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS—A TALE OF 
REVENGE BY CHET WILLIAMSON 


OSCAR WINNER GEENA DAVIS TALKS ABOUT DEBUT- 
ING ON SCREEN IN HER UNDERWEAR, DETAILS HER 
HYSTERICAL HONEYMOON NIGHT WITH JEFF GOLD- 
BLUM AND REVEALS HER WORST NIGHTMARE IN AN 
ETHEREAL “20 QUESTIONS” 


“THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR GOES (BACK) TO COL- 
LEGE”—OUR TRAVELING SEX EXPERT INVADES THE 
BIBLE BELT AND LIVES TO WRITE AGAIN—BY JAMES 
R PETERSEN 


PLUS: IT'S TIME FOR “PLAYBOY’S PIGSKIN PREVIEW,” 
'OUR HIGHLY EDUCATED SURVEY OF THE UPCOMING 
COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON BY GARY COLE; “UP IN 
SMOKE,” CIGARS FOR THE CONNOISSEUR; SNEAKING 
UP ON THE LATEST TRENDS IN SNEAKERS; THE RETURN 
OF CORDUROY IN “PLAYBOY'S FALL AND WINTER 
FASHION FORECAST,” BY HOLLIS WAYNE; AND MORE 


The Cold-Filtered 
Fact Sheet. 


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номвтонт 24220444, Дт: -- 
occusmmon ILL raa sal ЛЛ? 

MEASUREMENTS: / 222. ОЙ Ал /2 Lana / 


ronn ons 2444, Longrccdee poker games, dran refriqeratoy lad 


TURN OFFS: ао, hal muggy deya bur б With 
en Them 


конии SONG: О ar е" 

HOBBIES: 4 CTIA, hee Skating о. 
vavortre woviss... Col feto Luke" lee Shtim Jeta“ 
AMBITION: 72 paride vigone Julia great un Yo hell obl | 


Tasty little 
number. 


What we have here is an ultra light with taste. And before 
you say "impossible?" we'd like to point out that Merit Ultra Lights 
is one of America's fastest growing brands. Thanks to 
Enriched Flavor," the impossible becomes possible. 

A tasty little number, indeed. 


Enriched Flavor," ultra low M E solution with Merit. 
med 


2 


MERIT 
Ultra Lights | 


китеп 


Merit Ultra Lights 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. орыр Morris Inc. 1989 
Kings: 5 mg "'tar;' 0.5 mg nicotine av per cigarette by FTC method.