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PLAYBOY'S
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COLLEGE WOMEN |

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WELCOME To OUR annual back-to-school issuc—in preparation for
which we ship our brayest writers and editors off to assorted
quadrangles and campus towns all over the country in search of
signs of intelligent life. The beauty of our academic focus is that it
explores what the standard curriculum guides don't. For exam-
ple, you may ask: Is there sex after high school? Your college cata-
log skipped that, right? That's why you'll want to read College
Women Talk About Campus Sex (illustrated by Guy Billout), in
which sociologist Janet Lever and Playboy Associate Editor Barbora
Nellis engage in girl talk of the most instructive kind with six fe-
male University of Wisconsin students. Our own noted campus-
sex lecturer, Senior Staff Writer James R. Petersen, reports further
on the sexual Zeitgeist іп The Playboy Advisor Goes (Back) to Col-
lege. For the imate collegiate testosterone test, head coach
{armchair division) Gary Cole, who in his other life is Playboy's
Photography Director, prepared Playboys Pigskin Preview, our
yearly look at the undergrad gridiron—complcte with really cool
charts, our list of the Top 20 Teams, plus Cole's own cure for what
ails N.C.A.A. sports in Corruption in College Athletics: Coles
Quick Fix. Contributing Photographer Richard Izuís photos in-
clude our annual all-star team portrait.

One indispensable component of collegiate life—bacchana-
lia—was exquisitely documented by the all-time top campus
gross-out movie, National Lampoon's Animal House, a few years
ago. For Return to Animal House, one of that films screenwriters,
Chris Miller (Dartmouth, 63), replanted himself at inspiration
point (Dartmouth's Alpha Delta house) and discovered that, de-
spite the fact that frat houses now have to register with the police
for beer parties, a boot is still a boot, or a Technicolor yawn, or,
well, read it —you'll see. The artwork is by Arnold Roth.

Since its inception in 1986, the Playboy College Fiction Contest
has yielded first, second- and third-place winners—who among
them have already had three novels published. Two more books
arc duc out next year. Not bad, we'd say. This month, we proudly
present 19895 first-prize winner, The Madison Heights Syndrome,
for which А. M. Wellman, а Troy, Michigan, house painter and
sometime student at West Virginia's Potomac State College, won
$3000. Naturally, Wellman told us we ought to read his unpub-
lished novel. We In the meantime, we also recommend this
month's other fiction selection—veteran contributor Chet
Williamson's Reece's Chair (illustrated by Robert Giusti).

Our most famous campus fixtures, Contributing Photogra-
phers David Chan and David Mecey, have been up to their old tricks
again in order to document Girls of the Southeastern Conference.
This time, they canvassed Auburn, Vanderbilt, MSU and LSU,
plus the universities of Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky,
Mississippi and ‘Tennessee, for a sizzling look at the new South.
And if you want still more ya-yas, try Stanley Booth's interview this
month with Rolling Stones immortal Keith Richards, who has a few
choice words concerning fellow mer twin Mick Jagger. Our 20
Questions with Academy Award-winning earth girl Geena Davis is
an easy winner. Turn to Up in Smoke for Richard Carleton Hacker's
epicurean appraisal of cigars. Hacker is the author of the forth-
coming Gourmet Smoke: The Ultimate Cigar Book. And chec!
with Fashion Editor Hollis Wayne, who has found just the shirts,
ties and other furnishings you'll want this season in our annual
Fall & Winter Fashion Forecast.

Sure, Julie McCullough is a household word now—especially to
teen throb Kirk Cameron's fans. Julie's the one who has stolen his
heart on TV's Growing Pains over the past year. And Playboy
readers know why—McCullough premiered on Playboy's cover
and its accompanying pictorial, The Girls of Texas, in 1985 and
later was named Miss February 1986. Don't miss this month's fa-
tally hot shots of McCullough, plus those of our stunning Octo-
ber Playmate, Karen Foster. Obviously, this issue demands serious
study. We think we've provided you with a terrific reading list—
time to hit the book, gentlemen.

PLAYBILL

LEVER

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PLAYBOY

vol. 36, no. 10—october 1989 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
РЕГАТА ea, 3

DEAR PLAYBOY. ^ - 9

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS . . SERE РИ НН sy 119;
БРОЙ T accen 2 DAN JENKINS 32

МЕН: 225222. Vaaa aaa Tags sapete 2......АЗА BABER 33
ЕЕ 2..... CYNTHIA HEIMEL 34 нес
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR OS 37 ғ
[IHEPLAYBOYIFORUM Sse LE Suy O4

PLAYBOY'S FALL & WINTER FASHION FORECAST—fashion .. . HOLLIS WAYNE 51

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: KEITH RICHARDS—candid conversation.................. 59

-.JANET LEVER 70

COLLEGE WOMEN TALK ABOUT CAMPUS SEX—article .

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR GOES (BACK) TO COLLEGE ..... JAMES R. PETERSEN 72
JULIE | MCCULLOUGH = pictoriul ne sie o) cat еее o> TERR SCENE 74
THE MADISON HEIGHTS SYNDROME- fiction. ............... А. М. WELLMAN 80
PLAYBOY COLLECTION— modern living. . . SPR G ^ a 44
KARATE KID—playboy's playmate of the топіћ............................... 90
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ..................... АН 102
RETURN TO ANIMAL HOUSE-article........................... CHRIS MILLER 104
PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW—sports ............ n ССОО (аср Ке
WORKING GIRL—pictorial. .... % A ie
REECE'S CHAIR—fiction ................................. CHET WILUAMSON 116
UP IN SMOKE—modern living RICHARD CARLETON HACKER 118
GIRLS OF THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE—pictoriol.......... 122
20 QUESTIONS: GEENA DAVIS ..... 134
PLAYBOY ON;THE SCENES REE SER O E 173

COVER STORY

It's not just academic: Model Pamela Anderson llicic is breath-taking when
she dons her sexy school uniform to join us in our special back-to-campus
issue. Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda shot the cover which
was produced by West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski. Thanks
go to stylist Lane Coyle-Dunn for her expertise and to Tami Morris for
her work on Pamela’ hair and make-up. The Rabbit rides the crest.

PLAYBOY

TO ORDER BY MAIL: Send check or
money order for $10.00 per сору
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Canadian residents, add $3.00, full
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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
ТОМ STAEBLER ari director
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive edilor

EDITORIAL

JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso
ciale editor; FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER editor;
MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS senior edi-
lar; PHILLIP COOPER, ED WALKER associate editors;
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate editor; WEST
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH.
EN EDGREN senior editor; JAMES R PETERSEN
senior staff writer; BRUCE KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS,
KATE NOLAN associate erlitors; JOHN LUSK traffic
coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE editor;
WENDY ZABRANSKY assistant editor; CAR-
TOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE
BOURAS edilor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant edilor
MARY ZION senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN
BROWNE, KANDY LYNCH, BARI NASH, LYNN TRAVERS
researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA
BABER, KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE
GROBEL. CYNTHIA HEINEL. WILLIAM J. HELMER, DAN
JENKINS, WALTER LOWE. JR. D. KEITH MANO. KEG РОТ
TERTON. DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, DAVID
SHEFE, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (navies),
SUSAN MARGOUIS-WINTER, BILL ZEHME

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KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN.
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN associate
director; JOSEPH PACZEK. ERIC SHROPSHIRE assistant
directors; DEBBIE. KONG, KRISTIN SAGERSTROM junior
directors; ANN SEIL. senior keyline and paste-up
arlist; BILL BENWAY PAUL CHAN art assistants; BAR
BARA HOFFMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKE west coast editor; JEFF COHEN.
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON,
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; PATTY
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior
‚staff photographer; STEVE CONWAY assistant photog-
зарйет; DAVID CHAN RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY
FREYTAG, RICHARD ШАЛ. DAVID MECEY BYRON
NEWMAN, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photogra-
hers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color
dal supervisor; JOHN GOSS business manager

MICHAEL PERLIS publisher
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
KITA JOHNSON assistant manager; ELEANORE WAC-
NER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI assistants

CIRCULATION
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation direc-
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MICHAEL T CARR director; JAMES 1. ARCHAMBAULT,
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PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer

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THE ROAD FROM AFGHANISTAN
As a former Green Beret who fought in
Vietnam, I was astounded by Larry Heine-
manni article The Road from Afghanistan
(Playboy, July). Those "poor" Soviet sol-
diers were in Afghanistan because their
leaders wanted 10 invade that country to
bring a free people under subjugation to
their Communist rule, How can thatin any
way compare to our being in Vietnam in
hopes of defending а free people from
Communist rule? It's time for us to focus
оп the suffering the боуісіз were causing
instead of being told how difficult life was
for them in Afghanistan!
Clarence B. Santos
Los Angeles, California

I was very moved by The Road from
Afghanistan. There should be sympathy
and understanding for combat veterans
who served and fought, suffered and died
in wars based upon lies, whether they were
Americans in Vietnam or Russians in
Afghanistan. It is important to remember
the futility of these wars and the horror
and agony they caused for the participants
as well as for those at home, victims
even at a distance. But 1 would urge you
also to remember the students and other
young people who weren't willing to go to
foreign lands and kill or be killed for lies
masked in patriotism. They, too, have suf-
fered, and some remain expatriates to this
very day. Particularly now, when another
generation of idealistic students is stand-
ing up for ideals of peace and democracy
against an unresponsive and militaristic
government—this time іп China—we
ought to remember the veterans of the
peace movement. Their stories are worth
telling again.

James Е Thompson, Ph.D
Montgomery, Alabama

The article by Larry Heinemann in your
July issue is interesting to me, а US.
Marine with an Afghan ancestry.

Heinemann forgets to mention, even

once, that besides 15,000 Soviet casualties,
there were 1,000,000 to 1,200,000 Afghan
casualties. The Afghantsi have а monu.
ment; the Afghans, a ravaged country of
blood and tears.

We all welcome glasnost; at least I do, for
the sake of the earth, if nothing else. But
опе must never forget that it was in the
time of Mikhail Gorbachev that most
Afghans died. Gorbachev tried to win the
; did not succeed; then he called it a
“bleeding wound” and looked for a way out.

Amin Н. Tara
Flushing, New York

WATCH THE BIRDIES
I don't play golf, but 1 got a kick out of
your package By Golf Possessed in the July
issue. I want to ask you guys a question:
During thosc long, long hours you spend
plowing the green, do you resident golf
fiends have any idea where your girl-
friends are?
I love golf! I really love it!
Martin Musick
St. Louis, Missouri

In more than 40 years of playing golf
with thousands of people on hundreds of
golf courses throughout the United States,
| have never seen a Nassau defined as you
have defined it in your “How to Bet on
Golf” feature in the July issue.

In my experience, a Nassau is a bet on
the front nine, a bet on the back nine and a
bet on the total match. Your description of
presses is correct. However, a Nassau is
definitely not played for amount per hole

David М. Guinee
Decatur, Georgia

Youre right; most people play a Nassau the
way you describe. But our variation makes
each hole a little more interesting; Try it!

DESIGNING WOMAN

The Return of the Designing Woman, by
Marcia Froelke Coburn (Playboy, July), be-
gins with the horrors of books that seem to
promote womanly manipulation of men,
yet the author (interestingly, а woman)
fails to sce that her article is simply a

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PLAYBOY

male-oriented treatise cut from the same
cloth. The specter of womanly manipula-
tion is answered with the specter of manly
paranoia. The fact is, both of these ideas
are detached from reality and seem to be
based on the idea that it’s us against them,
no matter who you are. What а cynical di-
atribe!

Mike Good
Santa Rosa, California

Maybe I'm too sensitive where marriage
is concerned, but I found The Return of the
Designing Woman disheartening. If people
are looking at marriages as business deals
these days, it doesn't surprise me that 50
percent are ending in divorce.

‘The bottom line is, no two people should
be joined in marriage unless its love, not
income, that brings them together.

Beth Ellen Gualda
Marshalltown, lowa

If the women of the Nineties have a list
of qualifications for men, then men can
have a few qualifications for the Nineties
woman:

1. Has proof of fitness and healthy eat-
ing habits for one year prior to first date
and a doctors certificate verifying that to-
tal body fat is less than 17 percent and av-
erage daily hormone level is normal.

2. Wears bikini underwear with no hair
showing.

3. Can buy and prepare from scratch

two ethnic menus, choose wine and clean
up afterward.

4. Does not need or expect maid service.

5. Will maintain present level of buying
seasonal clothes and learn to sew anything.

6, Has at least 30 percent expendable
cash after paying her bills and at least one
year’s salary, before taxes, in cash and in-
vestments.

7 Is sexually attractive and can pass а
sexually transmitted disease blood/urine
test.

8. As part of dowry, has at least 75 per-
cent of all toys she can't live without (exam-
ples: hair drier, curling iron, food
processor, microwave, car, TV/VCR and
stereo/CD player).

9. Сап pass a polygraph test that she
hasn't been overexposed to the sun (i.e.,
nor likely to get skin cancer).

10. Is knowledgeable about current
news.

11. Does not have a family history of de-
pression, alcoholism, unusual/excessive
cysts Or aversion to sex.

Martin В. Kullins
Athens, Georgia

ERIKA

I picked up a copy of the July issue of
Playboy magazine ostensibly to read A
Sleep and a Forgelting, by Robert Silver-
berg. Imagine my surprise when I discov-
ered that Га gone to high school with your
centerfold.

Erika Eleniak and I both attended Van
Nuys Performing Arts High School in the
San Fernando Valley, where we graduated
in spring 1987 In our junior year, we were
in the same American literature/contem-
porary-compesition class. Truth to tell, 1
had a rather large crush on her, though she
never knew.

Thank you for reacquainting me with a
ision from my past. Needless to say, I'm
vexed with myself for not getting to really
know Miss Eleniak when I had the chance,
but even so, I wish her the best of luck.

Eben Rosenberger
Canoga Park, California

I loved the pictorial on Playmate Erika
Eleniak, but I have one complaint. Any
true Brady Bunch fan knows that it was
Bobby, not Marcia, who saw skyrockets
during а kiss.

Mark Borowicz
Zion, Illinois

TV NEWS KNOCKOUT.

Shelly Jamison (TV News Knockout,
Playboy, July) presents a tremendously con-
vincing body of proof that a woman of
prodigious physical beauty may possess an
equal portion of intelligence, professional
savvy and good humor. On all counts, I ap-
plaud Miss Jamison and thank her for
sharing these glimpses of her voluptuous.
beauty with us. Kudos аге due Playboy as
well, this time for recognizing feminine

comeliness іп the midst of the desert
(apologies, Phoenix).
John Lauricella
Ithaca, New York

I used to work with Shelly at КТУВ,
channel ten in Phoenix, and found her to
be very ambitious and deserving of more
than the station would give her: I really ad-
mired her creative news-writing style.

I recall our mutual frustration after in-
vesting four years of education in broad-
cast journalism in hopes of becoming
great reporters, then watching the over-
paid bubblehead read the news we wrote. 1
always thought Shelly had more creat
and balls than were allowed in the bure:
cratic bullshit of the news industry. I wish
her all the luck in the world.

Mari Scott
Phoenix, Arizona

Shelly Jamison adds new dimension to
the term blonde bombshell. KTSP's loss is
America's gain. The photos are exquis
My only regret is that there aren't more.
Since Miss Jamison is already a T V person-
ality, the next logical step would be a video.

Joe York
Jersey City, New Jersey

KTSP TV in Phoenix was stupid for
forcing Shelly to quit. What a loss
John Durr
Portage, Indiana

Do you use subliminal messages in your
cartoons (page 73, Playboy, May 1988)?
Kurt Howe
St. Louis Park, Minnesota

“А new survey just released turns up
some interesting facts about what people
would Ше to see on TV.”

Pure serendipity, Kurt.

As a former Phoenix resident, 1 always
felt that Shelly Jamison was not only a
strikingly beautiful woman but a consum-
mate professional in her field, worthy of

network exposure. Playboy has given the
world beyond Arizona а chance to appreci-
ate her physical beauty, and I hope her tal-
ent and skill as an anchor person will also
receive wider attention
Robert Moore
Berkeley, California

I must say, asa woman, Гат in awe!

1 wondered why my husband was spend-
ing an inordinate amount of time with his
July issue of Playboy and talking about
moving to Phoenix, but after 1 saw Shelly
Jamison, и became quite clear. He'd always
told me that anything more than a mouth-
ful was just wasted—I guess he changed
his opinion. If I, as a woman, was im-
pressed, I can imagine how he must have
felt. Someone as pretty as Shelly should not
have a body that good.

Renee Jones

Pasadena, California

If I were Shelly's boss at КТВ, channel
ten in Phoenix, I would have given her a
raise and a promotion.
Kim Johnson
Coquille, Oregon

If ever Shelly Jamison returns to TV re-
porting, shell certainly keep the viewers
abreast of the news.

Lloyd Clark

Phoenix, Arizona

WS 2

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| CARVER Н Spatial Sound" speaker, which,
when mounted behind the TV or placed behind the
viewer, creates sound so real and intense, it will actually make the picture seem bigger.
Add to this some of the most advanced features ever developed for a TV, like remote-con-

Why our 32’ TV is
greater than ,
anyone elses 35.

trolled swivel motors that allow theTV and two of its speak-
ers to each turn 15 degrees left or right, full on-screen
displays, 181-channel cable — W.
compatibility, and a complete _ ——1
А/М jack pack.

Equally impressive are
Toshiba's new full-size SK-
F200 VHS camcorder and
SV-F990 Super VHS VCR with
multiple pro-edit features
and digital special effects. v

The sum total is a larger-than-life experience beyond
calculation. You see, the competition claims to be ahead of
us by inches. But, Toshiba's technology is ahead by miles.

diagram

In Touch with Tomorrow

TOSHIBA

Toshiba America Consumer Products, Inc.,82 Totowa Road, Wayne, NI 07470

SUPER TUBE is a trademark of Toshiba Corp. Model CX3288..

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

OUR KIND OF GUY

Our vote for best TV hero goes to the
heavy-lipped, heavy-lidded Vinnie Terra-
nova of CBS’ wildly popular Wiseguy (ten
PM, Wednesdays). Its third season starts
this month and we can't wait.

So what is it about Vinnie? Is it that his
eyebrows touch? Women we know find Кеп
Wahl, who portrays him, achingly sexy.
But he hits us in a different way.

We like his job. Vinnie is a field opera-
tive in the O.C.B. (Organized Crime Bu-
reau, which may or may not bea division of
the FBI). He is placed under deep cover to
infiltrate crime. The inevitable happens:
His enemies are often more interesting
and more consistent than his friends.
Crime in Wiseguy is pure entrepreneurial
capitalism. It doesn't have a bureaucracy to
assuage or answer to; it doesn't have to fill
out forms. Hit men don't requisition their
equipment. Vinnic gets to frolic іп this
dangerous playground.

Also, by virtue of being undercover,
Vinnie has fulfilled that secret desire all of
us harbor: to be secretly doing good even
though it seems we are being bad. Т
bulletproof excuse for the sort of little sins
we all commit every day.

We would like to have a friend like Vin-
nie. He is seduced by people, not by what
they do. He sees the good in everyone, гс-
alizing that good people do bad things
nearly as often as bad people do.

But theres something else. Vinnie's a
family guy. He loves his mother. In the first
year’s episodes, his mother complains that
опе son is а pricst (he is killed off) and
the other, a criminal. Eventually, Vinnie
breaks all the agency’s rules to let his moth-
er know he is on the right side of the law
after all. The black sheep of the family gets
Mom's approval after it turns out he has
merely been misunderstood. And isn't that
what we all hope for?

WHO WAS THAT ONE-EYED МАМ?
1 WANTED TO THANK HIM

If theres one thing men enjoy more
than objectifying women with stupid nick-
names for their breasts, it's objectifying
themselves by thinking of really stupid
nicknames for their penises. Thats why

our hearts were gladdened when we heard
about The International Dictionary of
Names Men Call Their . . . Vol. I. Sadly, this
woefully inadequate first installment of a
planned trilogy turns out to be limp and
short on imagination, Moreover, it contains
not a one of our own favorites: the old
Spam javelin, the pocket possum, lap ham
and Honk the Magic Goose. We think your
trouser trout deserves better.

TOYS

We checked out the summer Consumer
Electronics Show in Chicago—all 13 miles
of exhibit aisles—and found some cool—
as in the cool medium—new toys. In
VCRs, there are the new compatible decks
that play both VHS and VHS-c format
tapes without an adapter, plus the high-
end, high-priced video recorders with ed-
iting capabilities. Palm-sized camcorders
and 70-inch televisions also bode well for
sales in the slightly soft electronics market
place.

Keep your eye on the new d
video-cassette recorder from G
The VHS VCR-2 can copy tape to tape,
which is great news for home dubbers but
raises some sticky legal questions concern-

ing copyright protection. The beauty of
the Go-Video VCR is that it can record a
ТУ signal on one drive while you play an-
other tape in the other drive. You'll be able
to buy it at Christmas for about $1000.

Judging from its huge display, Ninten-
do's 80 percent share of the video-game
market would seem to have knocked every-
one else out of the box. But while its new
Game Boy ($90) portable video system is
fun to play and the sheer quantity of Nin-
tendo products is inspiring, the fat lady
has not yet sung for the competition.

Atari, in the shadow of Nintendo's hype,
offers a spectacular hand-held video
game—its Portable Color Entertainment
System ($149), which features color graph-
ics (Game Boy does not) and a sleeker de-
sign. Also in the 1 unning atc Sega Genesis
and TurboGrafx from NEC. Both are full.
sized game systems with added color, large
graphics and great audio.

SKI PATROL, THE MOVIE

There are problems shooting a movie on
the slopes of a ski resort: Your set constant-
ly slides downhill, your actors have to learn
how to ski and you just can't let 150 people
go to the bathroom in the snow

At least that’s what executive producer
Paul Maslansky found out while shooting
Ski Patrol, the first major motion picture on
the sport since the perennial ski-town clas
sic Hot Dog was released six years ago.

Filmed last spring at Snowbird, Alta and
other Utah ski resorts, Ski Patrol will be re-
leased this fall, “It's a good commercial
film,” says Maslansky, who, as the producer
of Police Academy 1, ІІ, Ш, IV, V and VI,
should know, “There could be sequels—or
a television series,” he speculates.

Created in the Police Academy mold, Shi
Patrol is half talk, half action, with just a
few shots of girls in bikinis (wearing body
make-up to cover up their cold blue skin)
for balance. The plot is good guys versus
bad: The heroes—the ski patrol—are cru-
elly sabotaged by the ski school, which is
aiding the evil developers. A neon-haired
snow-boarder, a newlywed couple and a
burping bulldog also figure prominently.

But if the plot is basic, the skiing is not.
Using top stunt skiers—many of whom are

КАМ

DATA

| SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS

1 saw the new Ital-
ian navy Из boats
have glass bottoms, so
they can see the old
rali
secchi
Bushs choice to be
American Ambassa-
dor to Italy,

Percentage of.
American households
that have checking
and savings accounts:
893. Average value
of those accounts:

$7445.

Percentage of
American households
that own CDs or mon-
ey-market accounts:
979. Average valuc of those accounts:
$31,575.

peri

Lied,

Percentage of American households
that own stocks: 19.3. Average value of
those stocks: $81,367.

PAC PICKS

Senator who r
amount of money fro
committees (PACs)
Bentsen of Texas ($°

Senator who received the least
amount of money from РАСУ in 198
Herbert H. Kohl of Wisconsin (891,76

Congressman who received the most
money from PACs іп 1988; hard
A. Gephardt of Missouri ($610,107).

1988:
361,795).

Lloyd

Congressman who received the least
money from PACs іп 1988: Eni E H
Faleomavaega of American Samoa
(8250).

.
PAC that contributed the mostro Fed-
ег ates in 1988: National Asso-
ciation of Realtors (83,000,000).
.

Percentage of Americans who believe
that most members of Congress care

more about special
terests about
people them-
selves:

BUY AMERICAN

‘Total direct for
investment іп Ameri-
can companies іп
1988, $304,200,000;
іп 1980, $90,000,000.

Largest foreign in-
vestors ranked by per-
centage: the United
ngdom (29), the
Netherlands (17) and
Japan (16)

FACT OF THE MONTH оя

Between 1982 and 1987, the
age of sexual
women who relied on condoms
for contraception
13 пош

Firm granted the
most United States
patents in 1978, Gen-
eral Electric (820); in
1988, Hitachi (407)

CALL ME A DOCTOR

Median number of years of college
study required to earn a Ph.D. in engi-
neering, 5.8; in social sciences, 79: in
humanit 84

ly dou-

nic to 16.

.
Median number of years it
earn апу doctorate: 6.9.

DRUGGED MONEY

Number of currency notes found to
¢ a trace of cocaine on them in a
y done with bills Пот 19 Ameri-
can cities: ІЗІ out of 1
.
Average amount of cocaine found on
each bill: seven millionths of a gram.
б
Number of bills that would be rc-
quired to accumulate one line of co-
caine: 5000.

akes to

mount of coc
every bill һай seve
gram of cocaine on

.
Street value of 84 kilos of cocaine:
$7,500,000. Face value of bills that
would be required to accumulate 84
kilos of cocaine: 230 billion dollars.

world-champion_ freestylers—Ski Patrol
promises some of the most dramatic skiing
yeton film. The action includes jumps over
snow cats and out of lifts, s

tandem skiing on a Mistral Ski Sailor.
of course, there are wild falls.

“We had to make it excitin
the ever-practical Ма
see auto racing with no crashes.

Hoopster Marsalis.

me Grammy nominee Branford
Marsalis, saxophonist extraordinaire and ac-
tor (School Daze, Throw Momma from the
Train), stopped in Chicago last May during
the N.B.A. play-offs. We did our best to get.
him to talk about music, but he wanted
to talk only about the Detroit Pistons, who
were, at the ume, tied with the Chicago
Bulls at two wins apiece.

“How can you call the Pistons thugs?” he
asked, outraged at the suggestion that half
of Detroit's team would be in prison for as-
sault if they weren't playing basketball
“The Pistons don't win games by beating
up on people. They win games because
they put the ball in the hoop. Well, OK,
Laimbeer’s a thug. But how many thugs
їз size can pop a three-pointer with
confidence? He's got а bad, nasty |. Plus
he's rich and he doesnt even have to play
ball. To have money, to have juice and to
say, ‘I want to play ball and beat mother-
fuckers up, I like that in him.
Mahorn [now playing for the Minnesota
Timberwolves|—I love Mahorn, man. He's
got that big butt, and he just clears out un-
der the boards by bumping guys with that
big gluteus maximus. The guys butt is a
weapon. | like that.

“See, Im a Southern boy. I never really
understood how physical basketball was,
because in the South, you bump a guy and
you get a foul called on you. Then I went to
the University of Minnesota and got into a
game of basketball one day A cat put a
body on me that almost knocked my brains
out. Now I love that kind of contact in bas-
ketball.

"But, listen, all this is neither here nor
there. The Pistons will beat the Bulls. And.
then the Pistons vill beat the Lakers. Let's
put five bucks on it right nou."

Branford, you win. The check’sin the mail.

APHRODITE

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They were the gods of clas: Greece and

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ех

CIDVSTATEZIP

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

SET IN 1957, when civil rights activists were
beginning to shake things up in the Deep
South, The Heart of Dixie (Orion) replays
history as it might have seemed to three
comely Alabama coeds. They're all white,
with impeccably proper drawls, and ap-
pear to have the intellectual depth of Dixie
cups. Delia June (Virginia Madsen) wants
to get pinned and marry well; Ai
(Phoebe Cates) wants to go to Noo Yaw
and Maggie (Ally Sheedy), the college jour-
пабы, feels serious thoughts churning in
her pretty little head after she sces a black
man beaten up ata Presley concert. Treat
Williams takes her there—he plays a pho-
tographer assigned to cover trouble spots.
Shot in and around the University of Mis-
sissippi, the same Ole Miss where troops
were called to quell civil rights violence in
1962, Heart of Dixie bungles a golden op-
portunity to say something cogent. In-
stead, the movie flails around in the
shallows of sorority life, giving greater
weight to the election of a campus queen.
than to the first black student's first day ata
lily-white school. If they're as smart as 1
think, bright Southern belles will be ring-
ng in protests. VV.

Consider a sophisticated comedy about a
guy and a gal who sometimes date over the
phone, on one occasion while watching
Casablanca on TV in their respective
apartments. They're friends, see, not sleep-
ing together, at least not until years and
years later. Which is the whole point of
When Harry Met Sally . . . (Columbia), a
knowing, contemporary comedy written
by Nora Ephron and directed, with his
usual zing, by Rob Reiner. In the title roles,
Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan are both be-
guiling and believable, and likely to boost
their stock as bankable stars, Right up
there with them, as close chums struggling
out of the singles scene, are Bruno Kirby
and Carrie Fisher (the latter ready to cinch
her claim as Hollywoods savviest wise-
cracking dame since Eve Arden). From
their testy first encounter to the final
clinch, theres no question about where
Harry and Sally are headed, but getting
there t Qut to be deliciously good fun.
One nice light touch: Aged couples, like
the “witnesses” in Reds, interrupt the nar-
rative with testimony about how (hey tus-
sled with the ues that bind. ¥¥¥%

More “witnesses” pop up in Heavy Pet-
ting (Skouras), a droll docucomedy about
sex and our furtive stabs at it during the
faraway Fi Celebrities of every
stripe—from Laurie Anderson and David
Byrne to Sandra Bernhard and Spalding
Gray—reveal how they weathered their
youth past puberty. Bernhard, for exam-
ple, confesses to having played "docto:

Virginia (center) goes to Alabama.

Nostalgia, a wry and wise
comedy and a powerful
drama about martyrdom.

while monologist Gray wonders whether
self-abusers of his generation had a special
liking for Davy Crockeu hats. Add to this
glimpses of TY, feature films and sex-edu-
cation epics of the period (Ozzie and Harri-
et followed by High School Hellcats and
How to Say No should indicate the breadth
of the inquiry), and its clear that producer-
director Obie Benz knows his business. His
business is jolly entertainment, along with
а reminder that we've come a long way
since the days of the circle jerk. ¥¥¥
.

Britains formidable Pauline Collins
wowed London and Broadway theatergo-
ers with her prize-winning portrayal of
Shirley Valentine (Paramount). She a
one-woman show as a loquacious Liver-
pool housewife who simply pulls up a
kitchen chair, knocks back quite a few sips
of wine and regales the audience with per-
sonal anecdotes, making everyone feel like
a neighbor who has just popped in for a
chat. On stage, it worked as sure-fire soap
opera about a drudge who packs away her
troubles for a Greek-island holiday and
reappears, at least partially liberated, in
the second act. On film, in an adaptation
by playwright Willy Russell, directed with
somewhat literal T.L.C. Бу Lewis Gilbert
(who also directed Russell's Educating Ri-
la), our heroine shares the screen with the
cast of characters who were the off-stage
subjects of her monolog in the play: Best of
the lot is Tom Conti as Costas, the Greek
who takes Shirley for a boat ride, then a
nude swim, kisses her stretch marks and

akes her believe, at the age of 49, that
she'd better start living life to the full. As
her obtuse, angry husband back home,
Bernard НИ is the compleat. boor. Of
course, director Gilbert tries to have it
both ways, opening up the play and pre-
serving Collins showstopper performance
at the same time. Despite awkward mo-
ments, she'll reward your patience. Not
even redundant asides and flashbacks can
dull Shirley Valentine's radiance. ЖҰЖ
.

Given the state of the world, Romero
(Four Seasons) ought to be hailed as the
most meaningful movie so far this year.
Scckers of cotton-candy cinema will ignore
it—and will miss a grand, beautifully re-
served but heroic performance by Raul
Julia as Archbishop Oscar Romero, assassi-
nated in El Salvado: March 1980 at the
very altar where he inveighed against
right-wing oppression. In his finest screen-
work to date, Julia masterfully reflects the
evolution of a churchman from bookish
detachment to passionate militancy Аз
Father Rutilio Grande, the dose friend
whose brutal murder by a death squad ac-
celerates the archbishop's political educa-
tion, Richard Jordan contributes his own
telling vignette. Australian director John
Duigan, under producer Ellwood Е.
Kieser (who is a Paulist priest), keeps his
main man in tight focus throughout, lct-
ting him, as our surrogate, reel back from
the worst horrors. Even so, prepare to be
shamed and moved when Romero de-
clares, “I wrote a letter to the President of
the United States to send no more arms to
this country. . .. They are only being used
to killour people.” The answer comes back
in gunfire. ¥¥¥¥

Mocking the Mafia has become a favor-
ite sport for film makers. Director Susan
Seidelman registers her sly poke at Mob
amorality in Cookie (Warner), starring
England's Emily Lloyd, the teenaged ас-
tress whose buoyant debut in Wish You
Were Нет! made her the new darling of
Hollywood. Sounding smartassily all
American in her title role, she plays the
precocious daughter of an ex-con (Peter
Ik), who aids and abets, but more often
hassles, her old man while he engincei
power plays with several senior crooks. Со-
median Jerry Lewis, uncharacteristically
cast, Lionel Stander and Michael V. Gazzo
strut their godfather stuff in the gangland
hierarchy, while Dianne Wiest, as Falk's
marriage-minded blonde doxy, steals every
scene that isn't already plainly spoken for
Not much new here, all in all, but Wiest
picks up the pieces whenever Cookie starts
to crumble. YVz

А mugging and strutting Dennis Quaid
plays rocker Jerry Lee Lewis in Great Balls
of Fire! (Orion). His performance may look

INTRODUCING

ETERNITY

FOR MEN

Calvin Klein

ОЕЕ САМЕРА

Special-elfects make-up is the
name of the game that Rick Boker
yearned to play when he was a kid of
ten, watching The Wolf Man, Dracu-
la and Frankenstein. Baker, 38, is an
acknowledged master of his trade
who won the first annual. make-up
Oscar in 1981 for An American Were-
wolf in. London and took home an-
other for 1987s Harry and the
Hendersons. A professional artists
son born in Upstate New York, he
has relished making people believe
in nightmares since he first got into
mischief with pie-dough masks and
grease paint. “I used to paint а gash
оп my hand to scare my mother. 1
made up every kid in the neighbor-
hood with third-degree burns or
gashes. They'd scare the shit out
of their parents, who wouldnt let
them play with me anymore.” He
went proat 17, disguising his pal and
colleague, director John Landis, as a
prehistoric ape man for a monster-
movie spoof called Schlock. While he
has done his share of blood-and-
guts shockers, Baker deplores the
trend toward "gross-outslasher mo
It doesn't take any gr
blood all over someone.” ‘The most
fun he has had? “Working with Eddie
Murphy, making him up as an old
Jewish gu oming to America. No-
body recognized him until Arsenio
Hall made him laugh... that Murphy
laugh gave him away" Baker calls
Greystoke, the "Tarzan epic, and last
year's Gorillas in the Mist his master-
pieces. “I feel I can't get much better
Шап that Е primatologists
couldn't tell the real apes from the
actors.” Clearly, the clement of sur-
prise is part of Rick's kick. "Right
now, I'm working with a crew of sev-
emy on a real state-of-the-art proj-
ect. Top secret, I can't tell you what it
„ыш you'll know when it happens.”
Sounds like another Baker recipe
for goose bumps; our spics suggest
it's Gremlins И.

like ham, but its premium ham, and a rea-
sonable facsimile of Jerry Lee himself.
Director Jim (The Big Easy) McBride co-
authored the screenplay, a fairly flimsy tale
about а good ol country boy topping the
charts until he gets some bad publicity
about his marriage to a 13-year-old girl
(Winona Ryder) who's also his second cous-
in twice removed. “Таке ‘em from their
momma when they're real young” is Jerry
Lees recipe for a happy marriage. To
which someone adds, "Raise 'em just like
you do a bird dog.” Another of Jerry Lee's
fact and on film, is Jimmy Swag-
gart (Alec Baldwin), who keeps denounc-
ig rock and roll as the Devil's own music.
McBride belts it all ош in а nonrcalistic
рор-ан style—the emotional equivalent оГ
primary colors—with a bang-up sound
track (vocals credited to The Killer him-
self) in tune with Lewis’ huge Fifties hit
Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On. That seems
like the way to go. ¥¥¥
.

Brian De Palma's raw and chilling Casu-
alties of War (Columbia) goes miles beyond
Platoon in its depiction of how normal
young men may become beasts in combat.
"There's some needless moralizing toward
the end of a strong dramatization by pla:
ight David Rabe of a book by Daniel
Lang, based on a true incident during the
war in Vietnam. The story speaks for it-
self: A squad of GI grunts on a reconnais-
sance mission rashly decides to abduct and
gang-rape a very young Vietnamese gir
(played by Thuy Thu Le with wounding
vulnerability). Sean Penn, his famous
brute force at boiling point, plays the
squad leader. You wont be surprised to
find Michael J. Fox evenly matched with
Penn as the obligatory good guy suffering:
a crisis of conscience—he doesnt do
enough to stop the outrage, but he does re-
tain a residual sense of decency under

treme duress. Until it goes softheaded with
preachments, Casualties is compelling

rather than entert nol

about man at his we

ning—a grim Gui;
rst. YYY
.

Batman (Warner), screened too late for a
more timely review, is a triumph for pro-
duction designer Anton Furst. Looking
great, the movie is a true spectacular,
though pretty dull in patches and with a
curiously Hat story line, considering its
source in decades of Batman comics.
Michael Keaton in the title role presents a
problem for me—a hugely talented actor
playing itso straight that the Bruce Wayne
mantle never quite seems to fit him. Kim
Basinger is gorgeous and then some in a
routine role as the beauty who brings Bat-
man down to earth in bed, and Jack
Nicholson—waaay over the top—is а
flamboyant Joker, his performance a
vaudeville act that oddly succeeds in steal-
ing the movie and washing it at the same
time. ¥¥¥

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Batman (Sec review) Spectacular, but
Michael Keaton seldom so: a dark,
curiously flat screenplay saved by Jack
Nicholson's stupendous Joker. Ww
Casualties of War (Sce review) More
from "Мат, with Fox and Penn. ¥¥¥
Cookie (See review) OK, but the tastiest
tart is Dianne Wiest. WA
Do the Right Thing (Reviewed 8/89) Black
comedy about racism, from Spike
Lec. xn
Field of Dreams (7/89) Costner meets an
all-star team in an odd, imaginative

baseball fantasy. Wy
Great Balls of Fire! (See review) Hot and
hammy musical bio. Wy

The Heart of Dixie (Sce review) Look
away, look away from them belles. — yy
Heavy Petting (Sce review) The way
we were. . . well, horny. wy
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (9/89)
Connery, Ford beat sequel odds. ¥¥¥¥
The Last Warrior (4/89) Tense World War
Iwo encounter between the samurai,
the GI and the novice nun. Wa
Lawrence of Arabia (5/89) Peter O'Toole
in David Lean's masterful epic, and you
never see anyt 5
Licence to Kill (9/89) Thrills to spare,
even if its not Bond best. WIA
The Little Thief (Listed only) А ргесо-
cous delinquent (Charlotte
bourg) comes of age in а polgr
biuersweet drama co-authored by the
late Francois Trull EM
Little Vera (5/89) Our glasnost cover
girl—ripe, ready and Russian. ҰҰҰУ;
The Music Teacher (9/89) Familiar stuff,
indeed, but the music hath charms. vv
Road House (8/89) Some dump, until
Swayze clears out the riffralf. ұу
Romero (See review) Powerful ode to а
martyred priest. u”
Scandal (5/89) Ladies of the night and
nglish lords. vu
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly
Hills (8/89) Everybody's doin it on a fun
weekend with the overprivileged. ¥¥¥
sex, lies, and videotape (9/89) Yuppies in
love play hypnotic truth games азуу
Shirley Valentine (Sec review) А hou:
wife and how she grew wilh
The Tall Guy (9/89) Jeff Goldblum as a
Yank actor in London. Fogged up. wv
Weekend at Bernie's (9/89) He's dead but
gets around, mostly for laughs. ¥¥%
When Harry Met Sally . . . (Sce revie
Fun from the word ро, so go. ¥¥¥
Worth Winning (Listed only) Harmon as a
stud about town. Not your best bet. Y
Young Einstein (9/89) Madcap fun down
under, courtesy of a wild and cra
Aussie named Yahoo Serious. Ww

WWW Outs
узуу Don't miss
Ууу Good show

anding
wy Worth a look
Y Forget it

ап

Taste the кш of x

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

VIDEO

Actor-director Peter

Fonda spends a lot of

time in front of his VCR.

Currently at the helm of

projects for Viacom and

MPI, һе says that “part

of the job is watching

all kinds of mories—

usually one or two after

dinner every night.” Naturally, his collection in-

cludes а few of Dad Henry's films (My Darling

Clementine and The Grapes of Wrath) and his

own Easy Rider, but he also likes to rewind new-

er vid fare, such as Spielberg's Empire of the Sun

(‘Beautifully done in every way”) and the 1987

thriller White of the Eye ("I'm mind-fucked by

that one"). Classics are also a Fonda favorite;

namely, Fellini's 84 and Welles's Citizen Kane.

And then there's Great Expectations. “I saw that

when | was а sexually active thirteen-year-old

kid going to an all-boys’ boarding school," he

says. “Jean Simmons’ performance knocked me
flat, but 1 also really wanted her.”

— URA FISSINGER.

VIDEOSYNCRASIES

Illumination: An electronic montage of
“ki isual syntheses and kaleidoscopic
In other words, 30 minutes of

pretty colors set to soothing music. New
Age meets the VCR (Immediate Future).
Easyriders Video Magazine: Just what
you'd expect: guys on motorcycles, naked,
tattooed women and music by Top Jimmy
and Rhythm Pigs (Paisano Publications).
Minute Movie Masterpieces: Thirty film
classics condensed to 60 seconds each. In-
cludes The Birth of a Nation, Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde and Its a Wonderful Life. Great
for the movie buff on the run. (RI ).

An Evening of Erotic Poetry: Live per-
formance of nine offbeat poets reading
their haughty verses aloud at a funky
Chicago bar. Ап eerie trip into the land of
verbal taboo. Favorite ditty: While Panties.
(Available for $25 from C&M Productions,
Box 14418, Chicago 60614.)

THE HARDWARE CORNER

High Five: Hitachi now gives new mean
ing to personal video with a VHS hi-fi
VCR combo (V'I-LC504). It’s battery op-
erated, portable and tunerless and fea-
tures a five-inch, pop-up LCD-TV screen.
Stereo headphones are available, You can
take it with you anywhere—for $1699.

Laser Days: Laser-disc technology keeps
getting better—picturewise and sound-
wise. Pioneer has a new top-of-the-line
“combi” player (CLD-91) that boasts two-
sided play, SVHS capability, visual scan-
ning and 18-bit audio. But will there be
software? Yep. Coming up: Rain Man,

FEELING INTENSE

Rain Man (on the road with Tom Cruise and Dustin НоН-
man; deserves every Oscar it got);
Christ (Scorsese's controversial depiction of a Christ bur-
dened with second thoughts; long but worth it); Devil in
the Flesh (the 1987 Italian sizzler, available in X or В; put
the kids to bed first).

Һе Last Temptation of

FEELING ROMANTIC

FEELING FUNNY

Jacknife (De Niro as violent Vietnam vet tamed by high
school biology teacher Kathy Baker; superb perform-
ances); Crossing Delancey (Amy Irving os stunning New
York single hounded by matchmaker; o swee! vid-shelf
sleeper); Gigi (Vincente Minnelli’s delightful love letter to

French romance—toke another look).

TV-to-vid double bill: The “I Love Lucy” Collection (CBS/
Fox's four-tope batch of fon favorites; includes "Lucy and
Harpo Morx” ond “Lucy Does о TV Commercial") ond The
Best of Eddie Murphy—Saturday Night Live (Buck-
wheat, Stevie Wonder, Mr. Robinson et ol.; 30 hysterical
sketches—the perfect Eddie fest).

Coming to America and Dangerous Liaisons.
Right On: Video lefties no longer песе
feel left out. Panasonic's ambidextrous

VHS camcorder (PV-510) has controls
mounted on a center handle and а view
finder that flips to either eye.—MAURY Levy

COUCH-POTATO
VIDEO OF
THE MONTH:

Hops to it, guys—into
the kitchen and on with
the VCR! The Video
Guide to Homebrewing
is a suds lovers dream,
complete with lessons
from the experts and а
tour of a microbrewery
(Producers Studio).

You'll hear more than
just traveling-salestady
yarns in Elizabeth
Wolynski’s The Business-
womans Guide to Dirty
Jokes—30 minutes of
wonderfully unladylike
yuks (МСАТ available
from the Playboy cata-
log, 800-345-6066).

VIDEO OF THE MONTH

Just as we were going to press, we had an
opportunity to screen Rob Lowe's purport-
ей рогпіс tape—courtesy of Al Goldstein's
Midnight Blue cable-TV program. We
have to give it a thumbs up: While the.
video's technical quality leaves something
to be desired, the dialog is crafted with
honest simplicity (“Did you come?"). Kudos
to Rob for finally shedding a cushy Brat
Packer image and projecting the kind of
machismo you'd expect from a Warren
Beatty or a Patrick Swayze. Only thing is,
of course, they wouldn't be silly enough to
allow themselves to get taped. We think.

SHORT TAKES

Best Ain't-Life-Easy Video: The Palm-Aire Spa
Seven-Day Plan to Change Your Life; Most
Useful Everyday Video: How to Fly the B-I7:
Emergency Procedures and the Airplane іп
General: 50-Hour Inspection of the B-I7; Best
Thrill-a-Minute Video: Americas Hottest Bass
Lakes, Most Intriguing B-Video Title and Teaser:
Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of
Death (“These women are serious about their
taste in meri"); Best It's-a-Living Video: How to
Build the Nutshell Pram.

Everything else is just a light.”

BUD
LIGHT |.

01888 Anheuser-Busch. Inc. St. Lous Mo.

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

FOUR NEODISCO best sellers off the top of
my head: Paula Abdul, Vanessa Williams,
Karyn White, Sa-Fire. Who are these wom-
en? As a professional listener who has
played all their albums, 1 could tell one
Írom the others on a dare, but only if I
меге getting paid. Io characterize them as
bimbos would be both sexist and inaccu-
rate. How about ciphers?

Given the two options, you might prefer
to be a bimbo, but some try to have th
meaninglessness and cat it, too. The origi-
mal bimbo/dpher was Jody Watley a
nonentity so convincing that she won the
new-artist Grammy for 1987, even though
she'd already enjoyed long and honorable
success as one third of the black pop group.
Shalamar. Whereas her “debut” presented
her as, well, a sex object, on Larger than Life
(MCA), she pretends she's a normal per-
son. In dance cipherdom, this is called
artistic growth, and to some extent, it
actually is—producer Andre Cymones
grooves have improved, and several of the
songs are neither «Шу nor anonymous.
Gosh. For professionals and the platinum
millions only.

Coming off the U.K.-spawned house/rap
novelty hit Buffalo Stance, 25-year-old
Neneh Cherry might seem to fit the
neodisen mold. But her Rew Like Sushi (Vir-
gin) lives up to her slogan: "Survival. Atti-
tude. Sex. Have fun. Stand strong."
Half-African, half-Swedish, raised in New
York by trumpeter Don Cherry, resident of
Britain for most of this decade, she sings
and raps with equal verve. Although her
change-of-pace follow-up single, Manchild,
may bc a little (oo compassionate, she com-
mands an impressive variety of vocal
moods. She knows a good beat when she
rocks one, too. More than zero—much
more.

NELSON GEORGE

Boogie Down Productions’ leader KRS-
One claims he's a teacher. On the group's
Ghetto Music: The Blueprint of Hip Hop ( Jive),
the Bronx proves his point vith the.
most political black pop album since Pub-
lic Епету first. Lyrically, KRS-One is bit-
ing and often brilliant. Why Is That uses
Biblical quotations to bolster his argument
that Christianity’s key figures were black.
Who Protects Us from You? is a question
aimed at urban policemen accused of bru-
talizing minority youth. Another track (an
outgrowth of B.D.P's catalytic role in the
Stop the Violence Movement's 12-inch Self-
Destruction), You Must Learn, is a challenge
to young listeners to overcome obstacles
and concentrate on education. Musically,
KRS-One and B.D.P deejay D-Nice use
samples effectively on the aforementioned
tracks, as well as on such boastful raps as

Cherry: No bimbo?

Divas, diaphanous
and otherwise,
plus new Bowie.

Jack of Spades апа The Style You Haven't
Done Yat. Hip Hop Rules, Jah Rulezand Bo!
Bo! Bo! demonstrate this group's commit-
ment to forging a hip-hop/reggae blend.
Ghetto Music is easily one of the year’s best
efforts.

Chuckii (Atlantic) is a promising first step
for Los Angeles-based keyboard-vocalist
Chuckii Booker. Booker's fresh sound is
epitomized by Turned Away, a lushly
melodic, beautifully arranged mid-tempo
concoction. Much of his material draws
upon Gospel (Heavenly Father) and funk
(Res Q Me, Hotel Happiness), without slav-
ishly reproducing the formulas of either.
Booker's high tenor is carefully produced,
which may suggest a limited range, but it 15
nurtured by a sharp musical mind. Booker
will be around.

DAVE MARSH

Almost all the reasons that David Bowie
has been the most influential Anglo rock
star of the past two decades are extramusi-
cal, a fact that Bowie has now dealt with by
forming his first steady band since his late-
Seventies heyday, Tin Machine (EMI), as
both the group and its debut album are
called, represents a grungy gamble for
Bowie, because it eschews his piss-elegant
fake soul for loud, raucous noises: The
opening track reworks the riff from the
Doors’ Roadhouse Blues.

Bowie's risk garners a full-scale payoff,
because bandmates Hunt Sales and ‘Tony
Sales and slashomatic guitarist Reeves

Gabrels not only batter his proper British
stiffness into submission but apparently
have refused to let him rewrite and ob-
scure his lyrics. Because Bowie is first-
draft metaphoric, the result here is often
more pointed and less obscure than any-
thing else he has сусг donc. Which doesn't
make this his best record so much as his
most rock-and-roll one.

Too Long in the Wasteland (Columbia), the
debut album produced for James Mc-
Murtry, author Larry's son, by John Cou-
gar Mellencamp, has no lack of wordcraft.
That must be why Mellencamp claims that
McMurtry’ already a better songwriter
than he'll ever be. Unfortunately, we buy
records for music, and compared with Mc-
Murtry, Leonard Cohen is a melodist. And
Coheris the example who comes to mind,

GU ОТ

EX-ROCKER Michael Des Barres now
focuses оп acting, having co-starred
with Clint Eastwood in “Pink Cadil-
lac.” He also appears in “Midnight
Cabaret,” playing the Devil as a night-
club singer. If Des Barres could play
the Devil, we figured he could play a
critic. So we asked him to spin Rob
Jungklas’ newest, “Work Songs for a
New Moon

“Work Songs is wonderful—how
many artists can pull off a spiritual
kind of pop music? 115 so refreshing
to see someone in love with a girl
and with a god. It's like the Old Tes-
tament meets Little Richard. Espe-
cially strong are New Moon Shall
Rise, Water into Wine and Something
Special. 1£ 1 have to compare, Jung
Маз resembles Bruce Cockburn,
early Cat Stevens and a bit of
ап ephemeral Bruce Springsteen.
Something Special in particular has a
terrific melody, but where Jungklas
really shines is lyrically—ihe Work
Songs theme is so complex, but it’s
put across very simply. Lyrically, in
fact, this is a pretty flawless record—
and it’s so personal. That’s why Tra-
cy Chapman was successful—she
talked personally to each listener.
When you talk about the best al-
bums in the racks at any given time,
it's a matter of people buying records
that talk to them іп that way.”

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PLAYBOY

А SOUND INVESTMENT!

Picture Soundtrack

(Atlanti

Donna Summer—Another
[E
Sin
Bad English (Epic) 383-463.
ТЕК
терд
NETE
m
EU—Livin Large (Virgin)
2 382-473

Stevie Ray Vaughan &
Double Trouble—In Чер
End 382-374
Alice Cooper—Trash
(ро 382.365
The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
—Wil TheCirde Be
Unbroken, Volume Two
(Universal) 382.287
Extreme (A&M) 382-242
Trumph—Classics (УСА)
382-135
Donald Clark Osmond—
DonnyOsmond (Capta)
382-19
Blue Murcer (Geren)
382-044
Roachtord (Epic) 382-010
The Doobie Brothers—
СудесСарісі 382457

THE CULT |

SONIC TEMPLE |

Тһе Cult—Sonic Temple
(Бе) 381-798

Gloria Estetan—Cuts Both
Ways (Epic) 382-341
The Neville Brothers—
Yellow Moon (A&M) 381-889
‘Todd Rundgren—Nearly
Human (Warner Bros}
281-780
Wang Chung—The
Warmer Side 01 Cool
(Geter) 341-764
Expose—What You Don't
Krew usa) BITS
Stray Cats— Blast Off (EM)
381-442
De LaSoul—3 Fest High
Ard ising (Tomy Boy)
381-180
Too Short—L teis Too
‘Short WivelRCA) 381-145
Bonnie Raltt—Nick of
Time (Capto) 281-087
Working Girl —Orginal
‘Soundtrack (Arista) 380-972
Heng Les Summer—tve
hin
[or 300-392
Introducing Tho Chick >
Corea Akoustic Band
(GRP) 379-091
Barry Manitow (Areta)
381-707

379:569

wanana
Be Ph
L.L. Cool J—Walking With
e
ee
(Ера 368-043
ere
Zen(FsParanza) 386-716
m
m a
rra
Ben
P
Skyscraper (Warner Bros.)
ee
Pe
ae

Billy Idol Vital Idol
(Chrysak 360-107

The Traveling Witb
Volume One tung
75:089
‘Mill Vanglll—GirtYouKnow
Is Tue (Anse) 379-610
Def Jam Classics,
Volume t
(Det Jamicolumbajsr-ss
Placido Domingo — AL The
Philharmonic (CES Мече
379-289
Bob Dylan & Grateful
Dead—Dylan And The
Dead (Columba) 378247
Tesla—The Great Radio
Controversy (Geffen)
377-956
Power Players—MTV Bet,
УН-Т Power Prayers (EM)
377-952
Gipsy Kings Elektra)
377-012
Blondie—Once Nore into
The Bleach (Chrysals]
ЕДЕЙ
Crosby, Stills, Nash and
Young--American Dream
Gani) 375-533
Tiffany —Hold An Old
Fiiend's Hand (Ca)
376-236
Al Jarreau--Hearts
Horizon (Heprse) 316-186

‘Sheena Easton The.
Loverin Me (МСА) 376-095

Kix—Blow My Fuse
(alano 375-832

Fleetwood Mac— Greatest

His.

(Marner Bros) 375-762

Samantha Fox—!Wanna

Have Some Fun (JveIRCA)
375-725

Great Wnite-Twco
Сш) Sore

TomPetty—Full Moon
Ғеуег(МСА) 382184

Dirty Dancing—Live In
Genter Ошуна
Soundtrack (RCA) 391-152
The Cure—Disirtegration
жеке) por
Paula Abdul — Forever
YourGirl(Vigin) 374-637
Guns N Roses,
For Destruction (бейеп)
259-984
Sammy Hagar (seiten)
357-4

Grateful Dead—In The
Dark(Arsi) 357-087
Heart—Bad Animals
Capto) 356-667
ThePolice Exeo trea
You е Singes
(AM) 348-318.
Kiri To Kanawa Vordi &
Puccini Arias (CBS Master)
343-269
The Care —enstosthite
(Elektra) 339-903
Foreigner—Agent
Provocateur (Atlantic)
331-967
Bruce Springsteen—Born
In The USA (Courbe)
325-529
Bangles—uerything.
Columba) 373-829
Journey's Greatest
HitsíColumba) 375-279
Portrait Of YoYo Ma—
Cello (CES Maste) 379-941
Cutting Crew— Scattering

e
Jody i— Larger Than
ute MCA) 381-081

Wynton Marsalis—The
Majesty Ol The Blues
(Columba) 280-394
10,000 Maniacs—Blind
Maris Zoo (Elektra) 382-077
Living Colour—Vivid
(Ерс) 370-833

Foreigner— Records
(Alani 316-055
Kenny Rogers Greatest
HitsLben) 512700
Steve Retch—Ditierent
Tans -Kronos Quartet
Elecinc Coonterpont- Pat
Metheny (Nonesuch)
360.071
"Weird AI" Yankovic—
Greatest His
(ОК Ro) 70642
The Dickey Bene Band—
ier Disruptive (Epic)
275576
“The Wee Papa Girls The.
Beet The Alone. The
Nose vene) 575-636

Kylie Minogue—K;
Qon -oo
38 Special Foct & Roll
Strategy (АЕМ) 375-139
Dolly Parton—Wnite
Limozeen (Columbia)

380

725
Barbra Stretsand—Till|
Loved You (Columbia)
374-884
Gloria Estetan—Cuts Both
Ways (Epc) 382-341
The The—Mind Bomb
Еро 382-382
Aretha Franklin Through
TheStom (Arisla) 380-873

ANYS
COMPACT

DISCS
FOR k

plus shipping and handling with membership

Neal Schon—Lale Night
(Columba) 380-378
Edle Brickell & New
Bohemians—Shooting
Fubberbands At The Siars,
(Getler) 374-835
Winger (Atantc) 374-652
Vixen ЕМ, 374:108
Anita Baker—Giving You
The Best That Got (Elektra)
374.058
U2—Rattio And Hum
(sand) 374017
Cocktail
Soundtrack (Elektra,
373779
Luciano Pavarott—
Pavaroti in Concert
(CES Neste) — 373548
Guy MCA 373-415
Ozzy Osbourne—No Rest
For The Wicked (Epc)
373-300
Tommy Conwell & The
Rumblers—Fumbie
(Columba) 373-027
Metallica —nd Justice For
All Elektra) 372406
The Movies Go To The
Opera Various Апы
(AngelSude) | 372342
Gregg Allman—Just
Bere The Bullets Fly
(Ере) 372177
Boris Grebenshikov—
Radio Silence (Columba)
383-513
The Jacksons—2300
Jackson Set pe

(йн

Cyndi Lauper—A Night To
Remember (Epc) 377-887

Side OI The Mrror
(Modern СЕЗ
Bobby Brown—Don'tBe
Gruel M 372-045
Kenny G—Sihovette
(Ansa 3n-ss9
Melissa Etheridge (sanc)
kar Zi
Earth Girls Are Easy—
Origina! Sound Tack
(Береке) 382-069
Tone-Loc—Loced After
Dark (Descous Vi)
379-875

Classics from the 505, 605, 705

The Four Seasons Hits—
featuring Frankie Vali
(МСАСЫЬ) 379.000

Crosby, Stilts, Nash and
Young—So Far (Atantic)
378-745
Rolling Stones—Exile On
Main Street Roing.
Sioresfies) 350-652

20 Great Love Songs Of
The50's & 60's Volume
One Various Artists,
(Laune) 374-033

‚Jerry Lee Lewis—18
‘Onghal Sun Greatest Hits
Pho) 389-108

Joni Mitchell Blue.
(Reprise) 355-11

Best Of The Doors
(Нета) 357-616/397-612

Tratfic—The Low Spark Of
High Hosled Boys (Island)
351-924
BestO! Mountain
(Columbia) 351-890

Bob Dylan Greatest Hits
(Colombia) 138.586

‘The Who— Who's Better,
Who's Bes (МСА) 376-657

Yes Fragile (Alantc)
i 351-957

Woodstock Il--Original
‘Soundtrack (Atlantic)
382-143392-142

The Beach Boys Made
In U.S.A. (Capio) 346-445
Тһе Best О! Canned Heat
E 380.3
The Who Tory MCN
345.223/395-228.
Jethro Tal-Acual
(Chris) 348-157
The Byrds Grot His
боша Мр

Bad Company—10F om 6
(ааа gioi

ADecadeot
‘Steely Dan (MCA) 341-073
Jimi Hendrix—Kiss The

Siy(Fopreo) 330-795

ROY ORBISON,

Roy Orbison The All
Time Hits, Vols. 18 2
(Col Special Pro) 377-945

Ellon John—GrestesiHas
Volume П (МСА) 319-558

Elton John—GreztestHits
(MCA) 319-541

Creedonco Clearwater
Revival—20 Greatest Hits
(Fantasy) 306-049.
Simon & Garfunkel.
Greatest Hits (Columba)
219477

Lynyrd Skynyrd Band—

Gold & Platinum (УСА)
307-447/397-448

Joe Jackson —Look Sharp
(AEM 294-421
Cheap Trick—A! Budokan
(Ер 232-326
Jackson Browne—The

Pretender (Asylum) 292-243

Led Zeppelin—Physical
cia ensena
291:682/391-680
Best Of The Grateful.
Dead (Wainer Bros}
291-633
Alice Cooper—Greatast
Hits (Warner Bros) 291-476:
Led Zeppelin IV (^lantc)
291-435
Best Of The Dooble Bros.
(Marner Bros) 291-276
Eagles—Greatest Hits
1971-1975 (Asylum) 267-003
Chicago—Greatest His
(Columba) 260-636
Bruce Springsteen—Bom
ToRun(Colurrba) 257-279
Santana Greatest Hits
(Columba) 244-459

Sly & The Family Ston
—Greatest Hits (Epic)
196-245

Madonna—Like A Prayer
(Sire) 319-594

P1.L.—9 (Vigin) 382-978 ее в COOL tte
Pixies—Do Little (Elektra) ا‎ тасады
Debbie Gibson—Elocric Е 32.867 China Crises—TheDiaty | Simply Red—A New
Youth (апіс) 377-275 Ofen еле oe Новом Horse (AAM), Нате (Elektra) 378542
Warrant Dirty Rotten The Qutfield—VocesOt_ Roy Orbison—Mystery Gin | Wo War Two Point Five We =
Filthy Stinking Rich. Babylon (Columba)373-388 (Virgin) 377.01 | Сар Say Anything—Original Cue)! 378827
(Combe) ae ee eye dovDivision—Unkrown Sound аск) 881-871 GRE
een Pamer с Боол. | Pleasures (Oues) 22515 сомасын р, Midge Ure—Answers To
ео Nova EMB) ТОРША | TheThe—NindBonb гос) SusteltenelDien о 378-788
Huey Lewis And The ту Баласын New Kids On The Block 382980 TheGodtather:—Nore New Drder—Techrique
News—Small World = 3 —Hanging Tough TheCure—Disintegralion Songs About Love And (Quest) 378-760
(Опуза) 374 Тасу Chapman (Бен), (солт) 309-422 | Cio) 352-003 Ken е ап Low oed ` Now York (See)
Steve Winwood — Roll 380882 Joan Jett And The 30,000 Maniacs— Bind. XTC—Oranges & Lemons 378:216
WinkiWon — Sen — wnrwlen-OUP oy a, Blackhearts—Up Your Mans Zoo (Elektra) 382.077 (Geren) 280253
Spyro Gyra—fitesor пет Bos š alley (CBS Assocaled! Earth Giris Are Easy— in Elvis Costello— Spike
ЫСА 870767 Bobby NeFerin—Sinple aches) So | бөлі сі Acer Robin Hitchcock And ЕМаСомею 5р g
PatBenater—Wide Awake | Peesures(tM) 369300 Cheap THick—Lep Ol (Reprise) 382069 — EMS(AÉM) 280212 бегі Miikmen—
In Dreamland (Chrysalis) Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam— Luxury(Epic) 368-050 | m Ew. Eponymous Enya—Watermark(Getien) — Beelzebubba (Enigma)
370526 ‘Straight To The Sky Karyn White (Warner Bros) (RS) 374-777 379-925 378-723
SkdRow(Aec)S79-602 (Columbia) ^^ "378-893 375-994 =
A sound investment, indeed! Youcon — willolwoys hove atleast 10 daysin Шоо Eae rS SETS Gm

get EIGHT brand-new, high-quality
Compact Discs for I¢—thot’s o good
deol! And that's exactly what you get as
Әлем member of ihe CBS Compod Disc
ub. Just fill in and mail the application

-well send your 8 CDs and bill you k,
plus shipping ond handling. You simply
‘agree to buy six more CDs (at regular
club prices) in the next three years—
‘ond you moy then cancel your
membership anytime after doing so.
How the Club works: About every
four weeks (13 times о year youll
receive the Clubs music magazine,
which describes the Selection of the
Month...plus many exciting alternates;
new hits and old faverites from every
field of music. In addition, up to six times
year, yau may receive offers of
Special Selections, usually at a discount
off regular Club prices, for a total af up
to 19 buying opportunities

If youwish to receive the Selection of

the Month, you need do nothing—it will
be shipped autamatically. if you prefer
оп alternate selection, or none at oll, i
in the response cord always provided
end mail it by the date specified. You

Selectionswithtwonumbers corlcin2 CDs ord count os 2-50 writein both numbers.

Guns №’ Roses—GN'R Lies

(Geller)

FIWEYOUMOCAWNWIBALG

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FAST TRACKS

Boogie Down
Productions
Ghetto Music: The

Blueprint of Hip Нор! 7

8 9 y 8

Boris Grebens!
Radio Silence. 2

Absolute Torch and
Twong 7

The Other Side of

Stevie Nicks |
the Mirror

|
k. d. lang |
|

Тіп Machine. ER

Njo
ч

DO-BE-DO-BE-DO DEPARTMENT: How do
you know when you've finally arrived?
This рам summer, at the University
of Arizona, professor Jerry Kirkbride
taught two sessions of Sinatra 101 (real-
ly called American Pop Music: Sinatra
Era).

REELING AND ROCKING: Bon Jovi has a
feature-length movie in the works that
combines concert footage with behind-
the-yccnes stuff. Whether it will be sold
as a long-form video or as a movie for
theaters is still up in the air. . . . Was
(Not Was) will do the score and appear
in the Marlon Brando/Matthow Broderick
film The Freshmen. . . - Plans are in the
works to turn the unauthorized Phil
Spector bio, Hes а Rebel, into a feature
film. . . . Joey Ramone is playing himself
in the Canadian movie Roadkill.
Danny Sugarman’s screenplay for his
book Wonderland Avenue: Tales of
Glamour and Excess will still be made
into a movie, despite the death of direc-
tor На! Ashby, who was working on it.
Now Oliver Stone is set to produce

NEWSBREAKS: А new store on Melrose
Avenue in L.A. (where сїзє?) is selling
all kinds of rock memorabilia, from
Beatles hair pomade to Duran Duran
pencil boxes to Bee Gees lunch pails. .
New York (h Rolling. Stone
magazine and music publishers BMI
are sponsoring a yearly Ralph J. Gleason
Music Book Awards. Each year, three
authors will be awarded a $5000 prize
named after Gleason, a well-known
jazz critic and a cofounder of Rolling
Stone. The books may be in any field,
but they must be published by a com-
mercial publishing house. The first
award ceremony will be held іп Febru-
ary. . . . Good news for music-on-T V
fans: NBC's Sunday Night has been re-
newed. . . . The upcoming Aerosmith

album has a tune called FINE., which,
Say Steven Tyler and Joe Perry, stands for
"Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and
Emotional.” In short, the perfect rock
lyri Members of Three Dog Night,
the Sixties group, are fighting in court
about which of them has the rights to
the groups name for the purpose of
touring. . . . Producers of the new ГУ
series Rollergames plan to have heav
metal bands provide the half-time en-
tertainment. We're not talking about a
fictional show, we're talking about roller
derby, for real, which will air opposite
Saturday Night Live in many cities. . . .
San Francisco rock columnist Joel Selvin
is writing a bio of Rick Nelson. .._ If you
were amused by TzeVee Toons: The Com-
mercials, volume two will be out any
minute. . . . Look for albums soon hy
Bobby McFerrin, Tracy Chapman, the Sugor-
cubes, Mötley Crúe, Gypsy Kings, Jerry Lee
Lewis and Teddy Pendergrass. . . . Our fa-
vorite alternative music rag, Rock &
Roll Confidential, reminds us that
Home Boy Videos, Box 6800, Grand
Central Station, New York 10163, is of-
fering an instructional video called
Learn How to Scratch, featuring Salt-n-
Pepe's Spinderella and Dana Dane's Clark
Kent. So if you're looking for the perfect
beat to your home rap or for a career as
а rap deejay, this video is for you. . .. Fi
nally, we're starting to feel like Mojo
Nixon on the Elvis watch, but every
month, there scems to be another piece
of news about the King that’s too weird,
or too silly, to pass up. This month's
chuckle comes from the new “Mexican
Elvis" impersonator, Señor El Vez. He's
really Robert Lopez and he's working the
club circuit with a backup group called
the Elvettes. 115 Elvis music with a Latin
beat. Really. We're serious.

— BARBARA NELLIS

because the new J.M. is no singer, either.
Even stories this vivid need vocals that can
bring them to life. Although singer-song-
writers are making a comeback now,
there's not enough juice here to get non-
folkic cars past the lyric sheet.

CHARLES M. YOUNG

Stevie Nicks prefers the diaphanous
both in gown and in song. For those enam-
ored of mid-tempo swish, no one does it
better than Nicks, and her latest, The Other
Side of the Mirror (Modern), will not disap-
point. The problem with diaphanous, һом
ever, is that you cannot sweat and swish at
the same time. You end up squishing. For
those enamored of Stevie Nicks the rocker,
circa Rhiannon and Edge of Seventeen, the
album suffers a dearth of squish. The clos-
єзї it comes is on three songs co-written by
Mike Campbell, Tom Petty's second fiddle/
lead guitarist, who doles out an astonish-
ing store of catchy riffs to friends in the
Los Angeles rock aristocracy when they
need a hit. Yet even here, the potentially
kick-ass guitar gets buried in the mix,
where it can't even squish with the clichés
of mid-tempo production.

VIC GARBARINI

Like the blues, country music is so sim-
ple that if you don’t put your heart into it
all falls apart. On Absolute Torch and Twang
(Sire), Canadian space cowgirl К. d. lang
proves again that she has the depth and
technique to pull it all together. She шау
have the best voice in country music—a
ncaraniraculous alto that croons, caresses,
corkscrews and belts through Patsy
Cline-style ballads and guitar-driven
stompers alike. Lyrically, she reflects her
Alberta roots, a quantum leap from the fe-
male clichés of Nashville. And now that
she’s back to using mostly her own materi
al, she should continue to conjure up com-
pelling melodies along the lines of the
mesmerizing Trail of Broken Hearts

Meanwhile, Lone Justices ex-lead
singer has been marinating in everything
from Hank to Лёппеззее Williams, Dylan,
rock and Gospel. On her first solo album,
Maric McKee (Geffen), the young woman
with the finest pipes in rock today impres-
sively distills, integrates and makes sense
ofall her influences, Think of a more con-
trolled Janis doing The Band's Basement
Tapes. On the country-flavored material,
she's loose and authentic but gets a bit en-
tangled on such Dylanesque epics as Panic
Beach, where she sounds melodramatic
and strident. Still, she takes gutsy
and on ballads such as Nobodys Child,
Breathe (featuring Richard Thompson's
exquisitely barbed guitar lines) and More
than a Heart Can Hold (a young, Nineties
Aretha), she comes straight from her feel-
ings, guts intact, on some of the most gor-
geously haunting and moving tunes of this
decade.

Dingo The choice of those famous for dunking on theirfeet.

They're pro quarterbacks Boomer Esiason and Frank Reich, and 1
these guys are famous for making smart moves.

Like wearing Dingo boots. Dingo's classic styling and comfort
make them the overwhelming pick of men like Boomer and Frank.

So before you buy a new pair of boots, ask some real movers and

shakers about Dingo. They'll tell you—some of а
America's best moves аге made in our boots.

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By DIGBY DIEHL

PERHAPS the most shocking book of the fall
is Shadow Warrior (Simon & Schuster), sub-
titled “Тһе CIA Hero of a Hundred Un-
known Battles,” by Felix Rodriguez and
John Weisman. Rodriguez was а 19-year-
old anti-Castro refugee from Cuba when
he vas recruited by the CIA. From then
on, he showed up everywhere there was
trouble in the world. As he describes in
this unapologetic memoir, he returned to
Cuba undercover and worked with the
resistance forces until the Bay of Pigs dis-
aster. In Nicaragua, he ran a communica-
tions network.

In Bolivia, as a CIA advisor, һе was the
last man to interrogate Ché Guevara, gave
the order to execute him and delivered
his body to the Bolivian authorities. In
Ecuador and Peru, he trained troops in
counterinsurgency and basic intelligence
work. In Vietnam, he flew more than 250
missions during his 25 months as an advi-
sor In Washington, D.C., he presented
Oliver North with a plan for attacking
guerrilla forces in El Salvador. In the year
that followed, he flew more than 100 heli-
copter raids on Salvadoran guerrillas. He
ended up in the middle of North’s illegal
Ivan/Contra resupply pipeline and, eventu-
ally, in front of a Congressional committee,
where he gave Чан g testimony about
the profit scams of Richard Secord and Al-
bert Hakim.

Rodriguez has been portrayed in some
news reports as a Latin С. Gordon Liddy
with close tics to President Bush. In this

other than some polite social visits. But his.
courageous, single-minded lifetime war on
Castro and commu
hand-in-the-fire dedi
War veterans. You don't have to agree with
Rodriguez to admire, however grudgingly,
his soldiers patriotic resolve.

On one level, Shadow Warrior is an excit-
ing nonfiction Ludlum-style thriller, the
ultimate real-life spy story. But Көш
detailed examination of СГА opcrations
and his history-making revelations about
American activities in Latin America are
profoundly more important than mere en-
tertainment.

When he died in 1959, Raymond Chan-
dler, author of classic detective novels such
as The Big Sleep and Farewell, My Lovely,
left four chapters of a new book called
Poodle Springs (Putnam). Now, 30 years lat-
er, it has been completed by Robert B.
Parker, author of the Spenser detective
novels, with a Chandler plot and style so
perfect it could make you believe in rein-
carnation. For example, consider a litle
gem of hard-boiled poetry such as this:
“Hollywood was empty, the houses blank
and aimless, all the colors altered by the
moonglow. Only the neon lights along Sun-

Unapologetic memoir of a Shadow Warrior.

The ultimate real-
life spy story; blockbuster
fall books.

set were still awake. They were always
awake. Bright, hearty and fake, full of Hol
lywood promises. The days come and go.
“The neon endures.” Is it Chandler, Parker
or Memorex?

More than just an impressive homage,
this is a first-rate detective novel with all
the suspense, action and human drama
that we have come to expect from the best
of this genre. Ironically, Chandler starts
this story very atypically by having Philip
Marlowe, a romantic loner in the seven
previous novels, married and heading off
to Poodle (really Palm) Springs with a
wealthy new bride. Parker meets the chal-
lenge by pitting the lure of an intriguing
case against the demands of marriage.
Several murders, a collection of nude pho-
tographs, some blackmail, a few tough
thugs and a busy bigamist are swirled
roughly into this intoxicating brew. Savor
this one; its probably the only Chandler/
Parker collaboration we'll ever get.

When the United States Senate rejected
the nomination of Judge Robert H. Bork
to the Supreme Court by a vote of 58 to 42,
it was a stunning defeat for this century's
most popular President and a victory for
the impassioned protectors of individual
and civil rights. The ramifications of that
historic moment are explored with fair-
ness and insight by Ethan Bronner in Battle
for Justice: How the Bork Nomination Shook
America (W. W. Norton). In this compelling
book, Bronner studics how the conflicting
forces of the New Right, angry black intel-
lectuals, the Presidential candidates, pub-

lic opinion whipped by media images and
the personal pride of the President all af-
fected the decision.

In the final analysis, however, as Bron-
ner states so eloquently, the Bork nomina-
tion became a national referendum on civil
rights: “Bork would hardly have been the
first Justice lacking passion for the plight
of black Americans, But the harsh nature
of his writings, the well-established aims of
his sponsors and the political circum-
stances of the moment conspired to elevate
his nomination into a Rorschach test of
American values. . . . Like the Lincoln-
Douglas debates of a century before, the
Bork debates forced the nation to stare in-
to its soul.”

For the 50th anniversary of The Wizard
of Oz, John Fricke, Jay Scarfone and
William Stillman have compiled ап ex-
haustive collection of photographs and
memorabilia that will boggle the minds of
even the most devoted fans іп The Wizard of
Oz (Warner), subtitled “The Offici
eth Anniversary Pictorial History
more than 200 color and 300 black-and-
white photographs, this history takes us
from L. Frank Baum's prophetic glance at
his lower file-cabinet drawer, labeled o-z,
to the Sotheby auction last December,
where the Witch's hat went for $33,000.
This is a definitive trip down the Yellow
Brick Road, filled with hve decades of
movie history and nostalgia.

Finally, two new books delve into similar
aspects of the Victnam war. Rick Atkin-
18 The Long Gray tine (Houghton Mifflin)
a massive nonfiction saga of the dark
journey traveled by the West Point class of
1966, the generation of officers who fought
the Vietnam war. President John Е
Kennedy had exhorted these young men
to “ask what you can do for your country”
and many of them gave their lives in an-
swer. Atkinson employs novelistic tech-
niques to give us a picture of the larger
social history, to examine the complex in-
stitution of the academy and to share the
emotional experiences of individuals. Fo-
cusing on three classmates, he tells the inti-
mate st of the 579 men in the
graduating class, from boyhood dreams of
heroism to cadet training to the sobering
realities of a terrible war and its aftermath.
Through these brilliant and moving por-
traits, The Long Gray Line gives us a fresh
perspective on 25 years of American life.

Lucian К. Truscott IV's Army Blue
(Crown) is a powerful fictional evocation
of the experiences explored in Atkinson's
study. (Just to keep the colors straight,
“Truscott's first book, adapted as a TV
miniseries, was Dress Gray.) His hero,
Lieutenant Matthew Nelson Blue IV is the
third generation of a Southern military
family.

When the novel opens, Blue is 23 years
old, hing on the floor of his M-13

armored personnel carrier listening to
Jimi Hendrix and wondering if he can en-
dure 131 more days of trying to keep him-
self and his platoon alive. Blue is a West
Рони graduate whose idealism about the
Army is fucled by a family tradition, and
by the end of Army Blue, we learn a lot
about the comparative war experiences of
his family from World War Two to Viet-
nam. Without giving away too much of the
story, the pivotal event is Blue's court-mar-
tial for desertion, at which disturbing reve-
lations about Army activities in Vietnam
emerge as he fights for his honor. This is a
vivid and dramatic novel that will take an
important place in the literature of war
.

If you want а panorama of the new
books being published each fall, the best
place to go is the annual American Book-
sellers Association meeting, which was
held this year in Washington, D.C.
There—vying for the attention of 24,000
publishers, editors, authors, booksellers
апа critics—the hottest titles of 1989 were
partied, ballyhooed and hyped

Three books headed for blockbuster
status this fall appcar to be James Mich-
ener's historical opus of the islands,
Caribbean (Random House), Stephen
King’s horror tale The Dork Holf (Viking)
and Ken Follett’s adventure story set in
medieval England, Pillars of the Earth (Mor-
row). Other best-seller-list contenders in-
clude Larry McMurtrys Some Can Whistle
(Simon & Schuster); Martha Grimes's lat-
est mystery, The Old Silent (Little, Brown);
Len Deightor's second part of the "Hook,
Line and Sinker” trilogy, Spy Line (Knopf);
a witty novel about an alcohol-rchab center
by Peter Benchley Rummies (Random
House); a psychological thriller by Jona-
than Kellerman, Silent Partner (Bantam);
and Wasted (Simon & Schuster), subtitled
“The Preppie Murder,” by Linda Wolfe.

Very promising fall fiction includes
Allan Gurganus' Oldest Living Confederate
Widow Tells All (Knopf); The Ancient Child
(Doubleday), by N. Scott Momaday; Dirty
Work (Algonquin), by Larry Brown; Robert
Crais's second Elvis Cole novel, Statking the
Angel (Bantam); and Thomas McGuane's
Koop the Change (Houghton Milflin/Sey-
mour Lawrence). I'm eager to read Barry
Miles’s biography of Allen Ginsberg and
Miles is autobiography, written with
Quincy Troupe, both from Simon & Schus-
ter.

BOOK BAG

lets Blow Thru Europe (Mustang), by
Thomas Neenan and Greg Hancock: Fi-
nally, а funny, lighthearted nonguidebook
look at where to go and what to do while
traveling abroad. A book by two guys who
just want you to haye fun in Europe.

Hot Blood (Pocket), edited by Jeff Gelb
and Lonn Friend: Two dozen tales of hor
ror by some of the medium best yarn
spinners. Read this one late at night
when the wind is blowing hard and the

moon is full.

Ask any bartender about the Tennessee yooter. He cas give you the whole story toa

OCTOBER IN TENNESSEE is when the hills
grow darker and the stories taller

The man in the wide-brimmed hat has a good one
about the Tennessee Wyooter, a barn-big critter
who roams these hills under October moons. And
though there are those who question his
story, hell have you hanging on every
word. Of course, these same old hills
are legitimately famed for good
whiskey. Drinkers call Jack Daniel’s
the smoothest there is. And, after

a sip, there aren't any questions

about thar.

SMOOT SIMPIA
TENNESSEE MINISTER

Tennessee Whiskey 40-43% alcohol by volume (80:86 proof) + Distilled and Bottled by
Jack Daniel Distillery, Lem Mctlow, Proprietor, Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop 361), Tennessee 37352

SPORTS

О , I've seen all the baseball movies
that have been perpetrated lately—
The Unnatural, Eight Men Embarrassed,
Bull Diddley, Major Disaster and Fields of
Precious. Now I think it’s time for an au-
thentic baseball movie. It should be called
The Last Baseball Movie and, like those
others, it should star several famous lead-
ing men portraying actors making a base-
ball movie. I happen to have a script handy

FADE IN: Interior. Supermarket. Day.

Three big-league superstars sit at a table,
signing autographs for crippled children,
senior citizens and paraplegics. The ballplay-
ETS are WILEY AVERAGE, а consistent .300 hit-
ler, SLUGGER CONTRARY, а notorious home-run
hitter and TURF courn, the greatest Н.В.1.
man who never played on grass.

Each player is charging $25 for an auto-
graph, even though their salaries are in the
$9,000,000-t0-8 12,000,000 range,

The line of autograph seekers is long and
the players are getting testy.

ALITTLE kip in a wheelchair confronts wi-
LEY AVERAGE.

LITTLE кір: Are you really Wiley Aver-
age?

мшу: Cash. No checks, no credit cards.

The иттік кїр hands witey the money.

LITTLE кір: Make it out to my dad.

WILEY: [write my name. You want a nov-
el, go to a fucking bookstore.

CUT TO: TURF COUTH, whos signing his
name as fast as he can while talking to Dawn
at the same time. Dawn is a serious bimbo who
stands behind him.

Dawn: You said you loved me when you
LA.

токе; Yeah, well, it's part of the deal.

pawn: Have you told your wife about us?

токе: Are you kidding?

DANN (angrily): If you don't get divorced
like you promised, ГИ write a magazine ar-
ticle about us.

TURF (busy autographing): Fuck it. Who
reads?

cur то: Interior. Locker room. Ball park.
Night.

SLUGGER sits on a bench in his street clothes.
In the background, the other players are suit-
ed up for the game, SALTY sparks, the man-
ager, approaches

SALTY; Better get suited up, Slugger. Full
house tonight.

SLUGGER is sorting through his mail.

suuccer: I'm busy:

saury: They're all here to see you.

user: Tell 'em I got to call my broker.

sarry: Could you be ready by the fifth
inning?

By DAN JENKINS

COVERING ALL
THE BASENESS

SLUGGER: Are you gonna get off my ass or
what?

cur то: Exterior. Ball park. Night.

WILEY is at the plate, Between pitches, he
talks to the CATCHER.

witey: Have you seen that bitch behind
our dugout?

CATCHER: The blonde?

WILEY: Yeah.

CATCHER: Some tits, huh?

witey: I got to get a better look. Tell him
to walk me.

CATCHER: OK, but you owe me one.

CUT то: Interior. Dugout, Night.

TURF is on the phone.

Ture (into phone): 1 want Auburn, plus
three. Duke, give the two. I like Notre
Dame, minus twenty and a half. Gimme
the under on USC-Stanford.

cur тө: Exterior. First base. Night.

WILEY chats with the FIRST BASEMAN.

FIRST BASEMAN: Lot of cunt out

here

WILEY stares at the *LONDE behind the
dugout.

WILEY: I ain't seen tits like that since the
last time I was in the Alps.

FIRST BASEMAN: І just got the signal.
You're supposed to steal second.

WILEY (staring al BLONDE): 1 ain't leaving
here.

FIRST BASEMAN: You have to.

witey: Why?

FIRST BASEMAN: Because we're betting on

you assholes!
cur TO: Interior, Dugout. Night,

SLUGGER thumls through his stock portfolio.
SALTY comes up to him.

satry: We're behind four to two. I really
need a pinch hitter,

SLUGGER: Ask Eddie. He ain't doin’ noth-
int

sry: The crowd wants you.
3ER looks out on the mound.
ER: 1 don’t hit against left-handers.
my contract.
saray: Just this once? For me?
siucceR: Go fuck yourself.
Interior. Dotties Bar. Night. A

WILEY is joined at the bar by musty, the
blonde he admired behind the dugout. susty
looks irritable.

misty: You think you can just make it
with me and never call again? What do you
have to say for yourself?

WILEY: I love you.

misty slams а handful of photos doum on
the bar.

misty: Well see what your wife thinks of
these! I'm selling them to a magazine
along with the article I'm writing.

WILEY studies the nude photos of himself
with mist

witty: Well, for one thing, she'll think it's
wick photography.

MISTY: Oh? Why’s that?
"Cause she ain't never seen me get
a bone like that.

CUT TO; SLUGGER, who has moved to a quiet
corner for a meeting with IRVING, his agent,

suuccer: Let me get this straight. You're
upping your fee from ten percent to
fifteen percent?

irvine: Right. Considering the income
I've generated for you. . ..

You're a dead man.

SLUGG
CUT TO: Exterior, Ball park. Night.
Its the world series. The team is lined up
along the third-base line, listening to the na-

tional anthem.

SLUGGER: This fuel
miliar, for some reason.

WILEY nudges SLUGGER (0 take off his cap,
TURF speaks into a cordless phone.

TURF (into phone): Trust me. We got no
fucking chance. Lay it all in on them.

And we

FADEOUT.

song sounds fa-

MEN

S there you are, a man with the best of
intentions, ready to please women and
ready to love, but something happens. You
оша lot is what happens.

be you're alienating your potentia
ners without meaning to do so? There are
rules of protocol in the bedroom, fellas,
just like anyplace else. 50 check them out.
They are universal and mandatory and
you should know about them.

1. Always take the condom nearest you.

“This is the most recently established
rule of sex etiquette, and for good reason
“Today, many women are buying condoms
and providing them for their partners at
bedside. Unfortunately, many men are be-
wildered when this happens. “It screwed
me up completely.” says Коп G. of White
Plains, New York. “We were naked, 1 was
almost home, but then she stopped me,
pulled out a bunch of condoms on a tray
and told me to pick one. J never saw such а
selection in my life. They came in all sorts
of colors, and they had ribs and feathers
and bangles and beads. I think that one оГ
them had a whistle on its tip. But when 1
picked ош а condom that was on the back
of the tray, she went crazy, She even kicked
me out of bed. "You jerk, ГИ never sleep.
with you. Don't you have any manners?
she screamed. I was totally trashed.”

Well, Ron G., of course you were
trashed, but you brought it on yourself.
There are rules for everything, even sex,
and it’s your job to know them. Rule num-
ber one? Always take the condom hearest
you—unless your partner coughs twi
turns toward the east and asks, “W here ai
the snows of yesteryear?” (That is a signal
that she is ready for anything and you сап
choose any condom you wish, even the one
with the whistle.)

2. Choose the appropriate music for the
particular activity in which you are engaged.

In my upcoming book, Sound Tracks for
Sex, Г make it clear that there are rules for
background music during sex. Yes, most
people like music with their sex and, yes,
certain songs fit certain moods. For e:
ple, everyone knows that 69 will be di
if accompanied by Tea for Two (an oldy but
goody) or Younger than Springtime (from
the musical South Pacific). But beware of
the theme from 2001! What а chestnut
that has become in the bedrooms of Amer-
іса! Iry Moussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhi-
bition for a refreshing change during your
oral chorale.

In addition, now that the vibrator has.

By ASA BABER

'TAKE THE CONDOM
NEAREST YOU

made such inroads into the national psy-
chc, and now that no bedroom in America.
is considered complete without at least two
vibrators per couple, dorit forget that ei-
ther Dueling Banjos or Lá Ci Darem la
Mano (a duet from Mozart's Don Giovanni)
isthe currently approved musical standard
for mutual masturbation with vibrators.

3. Never use a dog whistle during phone
sex.

‘This is one of those rules of sex etiquette
that most people intuitively understand
but few articulate. Phone sex is a way of lite
now, and “Reach out and touch someone”
is possibly the most cunning motto the
phone company ever invented.

Anything goes in phone scx. You can
spin any fantasy, manipulate any part of
the body, weave any erotic dream, include
any number of partners and avoid all di
eases. But even іп our new national pas-
time, some rules exist: (A) It is considered
highly impolite to call someone collect for
phone sex, unless you are on the verge of
orgasm yourself and wont waste that рег-
son's money; (B) it can be ruinous to use а
dog whistle during phone se

“1 was just testing her hearing,” Lonnie
М. of Berea, Kentucky, says. “We was going
at it like gangbusters, moaning a and groan-
ing, slip ind I had this
dog whistle that 1 use to train my good old
hunting dogs, so in the middle of all our
carrying on, I used it. | was just curious as

to what would happen, understand? Well,
sir, I caused a commotion, I truly did. Му
own dogs went crazy out in the back yard
and just about tore the kennel down, and
her German shepherd came trotting into
her bedroom and all hell broke loose. So
Fm here to tell you: Just dont use a
damned dog whistle while you're doing it
оп the phone. It can cause humongous
complications, indeed it can.

4. Foreplay should never last more than а
week or two.

In this glorious New Age, most men are
trying to be considerate and unselfish
lovers. But current research shows that
they are now being tolerant to excess. Re-
ports indicate that men are overdoing
their thoughtfulness and are ignoring rule
number four.

Martin 7. of Tucson, Arizona, married
Zenovia D. of Needles, California, on Janu-
ary 2, 1989. "My problem is," he writes ina
very shaky hand, “that we've been іп bed
for almost ten months now. We've gone
through 400 tubes of K-Y jelly and an
Ocean of massage oil, we've burned out six
vibrators and she still isnt quite ready to let
me do it all the way. It's really hard to ex-
plain to my boss why I havent been going
in to work, the neighbors think we're her-
mits and Ive got a case of lovers nuts that
won't quit. Hey, 1 understand that the fe-
male sexual response is slower than the
male response, but th alous. What
should I do?”

Wake up and smell the coffee, Marty.
You've shown Zenovia that you understand
her needs; you haven't concentrated. on
your own pleasure first; you may cven get
the Mr. Nice Guy Award next year (if
you're out of bed by then). But somebody
has to make a move. So just sock it to her,
champ. She'll probably thank you later.
And if she doesn't? Hey, you'll know you
really have problems.

5. Whatever you're doing in bed, if she likes
it, don't change ut or stop it.

‘This is the most important rule, accord-
ing to a woman I call Strawberry. “For men
to be successful in bed,” says Strawberry,
“just tell them to keep doing what works. If
you're dressed like a poodle and she likes
it, stay in your poodle costume. If you're
hanging from a trapeze and she loves
keep hanging. Don't change things, don't
chicken out. For us, if it works, it's magic.
So quit worrying and start loving."

Now, that's the advice we want to hear!

WOMEN

I: even find my diaphragm anymore.
Should the opportunity present itself,
I've got some condoms stashed in the back
of my underwear drawer. You have to be
safe, and so I'm back where I started.

With condoms. Fourteen years old and
gasping with terror, lying in the middle of
a football field under my boyfriend. It's
midnight and he's fumbling with . . . what?
Whats he unwrapping? Chewing gum?
What. . . oh, шу God. This cant be hap-
pening to me. This must be a movi

I got used to the sound of ripping foil in
the dark—in a stairwell during a night
basketball game, in the playground of my
elementary school, the building looming
all white and eerie and subversive in the
moonlight. Once even in the back seat of a
speeding car. Wow.

But I never saw one. | didn't know what
they looked like. Until one day, I left the
house to go to school, all scrubbed and car-
rying a million books, my hair shoved out
of my face by a big barrette wielded by my
mother (removed as soon as 1 hit the cor-
ner), when 1 saw something in the gutter
and 1 just knew that shape. Just lying there
in the gutter. And I realized what it was
and where it had been and where it was
now and I was sick and dreadful
shame. Then, when I was 18 and living in
one commune after another in crazed hip-
pie fashion, 1 went on the pill. We all did.

And I bloated up and my breasts went
all sensitive and globular and 1 wept bitter-
ly at the drop of a joint. My mood swings.
verged on the psychotic.

“Why do all you girls burst into tears all
the time?” my boyfriend complained.

“You don't love me anymore!
pered.

“And you're all getting kinda chubby,”
he added.

I will knife you in your sleep,” I whis-
pered.

What was it? The migraines, the con-
stant nausea, maybe a threatened blood
clot? Anyway. the doctor took me off the
pill and inserted my first LU.D. She called
it a coil and it looked like one. Plastic and
curly. She put itin my uterus.

"This will hurt a little," she said, and
then there was an intense, burning pain
deep inside my belly until I blacked out for
a second or two, then went home to bed.

ГИ always remember lying there in that
room for two days, having menstrual
cramps times ten, sweating and bleeding
and staring at the ceiling. Occasionally,
some hippie or other would bring in iced

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

BIRTH CONTROL:
THE FACTS

tea and brown rice and wipe my forehead.

‘Then I got better and hardly noticed the
LUD. at all, except during my period,
when I was always certain I was hemor
rhaging and about to dic. But so what? I
had lost all that pill weight

Things were fine until L got pregnant

“Dont he an asshole; I've got that
1.U.D.." I told the doctor.

“Don't call me an asshole,” he said. "Ba-
bies have been born with LU.D.s clutched
in their fists.” And he showed mea picture.

So my boyfriend and I decided to get
married.

The next day, I miscarried, Because of
the LU.D. 1 was assured as I went into full-
throttle labor that this was to be expected;
it was very common. They took me to the
hospital and gave me painkillers and my
mother sat with me all night. Pd wake up
and look for her. “I'm here, honey,” she'd
say In the morning, they scraped my
uterus of debris and sent me home

Well, we got married anyway And 1
don't remember what we did. I think the
Famous coitus interruptus. | remember a lot
of sticky stomachs. And then, one night
while doing it, we whispered and decided
he wouldn't pull out and we would have a
baby So we did, and 1 did.

I didn't know I needed birth control
while nursing, but eventually, on medical
advice, 1 got another LU.D. They were
allegedly improved. This lasted through

ing parenthood, the breakup of my
marriage, living for years in England,
coming back, becoming a writer, falling i
love and becoming very, verv ill.

"You've got a uterine infection, pelvic
inflammatory disease, caused by the
1.0.0.” said the gynecologist. “1011 have to
come out, but unfortunately, it can't come
out. Somehow or other, it has turned up-
side down and I'd have to operate."

So he gave me massive doses of antibi-
otics off and on for more than a year, be-
cause the infection kept recurring. I was
lucky, because I didn't have to be hospital-
ized. And finally, the LU.D. decided to
right itself, the doctor took it out and I
tried contraceptive foam.

Which was delightful and fun, like
filling your innards with whipped cream.
And I got pregnant right away My
boyfriend wanted to kill me. He thought
I'd done it on purpose. He was horrified at
the thought of a baby, so I had an abortion.
My gynecologist told me Jewish-American
princess jokes as he vacuumed out my in-
sides. It didn't hurt much, just a few ram-
pant twinges. What did hurt was that my
boyfriend, still livid, took me home, put
me to bed, snuck out to spend the night
with an old girlfriend and let me find out
about it. And, of course, I had nightmares,

"Then my beloved gynecologist fitted me
with my beloved diaphragm. At first, I was
afraid of it. At first, I would smear it with
spermicide and try to put it in and it would
madly shoot across the room and land in
the bathtub. Or Га putit in wrong and dis-
cover 1 couldn't walk without agon

But eventually, I got the hang of it and it
was fine. No pain. No strange bloating.
Just the feeling of constantly being awash
with spermicide. Just wondering if the six
hours were up and whether or not I could
take the festering thing out. Just having to
excuse myself and spend five minutes in
the bathroom before every sex act. Just the
yeast infections.

ГА heard the new pill was infinitely bet-
ter than the old one. But my friend got
pregnant with it. She had double vision, in-
tense migraines, painful contractions. The
doctor told her that if the child were born,
it could have h defects and if it was a
boy, he could be somewhat feminized. I'm
getting so tired.

Will there ever be a male contracepüve
pill? What do you think?

Forthose who
want more
glossy photos
inourads.

Enriched Flavor}" low tar. A solution with Merit.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Frese cae
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

Kings: 8 mg "tar." 0.6 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Bre been dating a girl who approaches sex
like improv night at some repertory com-
pany. She likes to play make-believe games
іп bed, assuming different roles. One
night, we'll be a professor and a student;
another night, a hired killer and a witness
held hostage, or maybe a porn director
and an aspiring actress. She gets into this,
but I'm a little lost. What's going on? Any
suggestions?— T. М, Seattle, Washington.

Mayle she got hold of a copy of Rolf
Milonas' “Fantasex,” which contains а col-
lection of roles and sexual plays for couples to
perform. The man has a choice of characters
ranging from TV anchor man, Arab sheik,
Nazi officer, blind genius, delivery boy and
hunted guerrilla leader to gynecologist; the
woman may choose from roles such as branch
librarian, drill sergeant, high school cheer-
leader, Senator, prison matron, wanted ter-
топу! and suburban housewife. Depending
on the mood, you and your lover can choose
roles, or just one of you can pick the role.
Then you get to pick а play: Milonas has sce-
narios such as two people dancing together or
the woman kneeling on a chair while the man
enters her from behind. We guess the thrill
comes from trying to imagine how an Arab
sheik would enter a branch librarian. It
sounds lo us like you need a course in Method.
acing or maybe characler motivation. Ask
yourself what quality your girlfriend is get-
ting at in her choice of characters—is it
submissiveness, assertiveness, tenderness,
roughness, drama? Fantasy games can be
profoundly silly or incredibly liberating—it
depends on the power of your imagination
and a willingness to suspend disbelief

O ccasionally, 1 read about wine futures
in newspapers or magazines, and the idea
sounds good to me. I like wine and I don't
mind saving money on my purchases. How
do futures work?—G. E., Boston, Massa-
chusetts.

Futures are just what the term suggests—
buying wines at discounted prices for delivery
two to two and a half years hence. Wine fu-
tures are usually limited to first-growth Bor-
deaux and other distinguished, expensive
labels. All things being equal (which they
never are), the release price will be somewhat
higher than the original purchase price. As
an example, the 1985 Robert Mondavi
Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve, offered in the
spring of 1987 at $22.50, went into general
release in the fall of 1989 at a shelf price of
$40, about an 80 percent increase over the
two-year period. Note that this is an unusual
jump: Nineteen eighty-five was considered a
superior vintage and the wines judged capa-
ble of improving over а long time. The aging-
ability factor is why futures are rarely offered
for white wines, Actually, for serious wine
people, pinning down an allotment is of
equal or greater importance than the savings.
When a superior vintage is released, the wine

goes fast. The easiest way for a consumer to
get into wine futures is through a top-notch
wine-and-spirits retailer. Buying wine
futures as an investment in the hope of
reselling them at a profit is not advised. In
addition to the normal vicissitudes of busi-
ness, there are many legal proscriptions,

Heresa great sexual technique to share
with your readers. My girlfriend and 1
were painting our apartment not long аро.
I was getting off on watching her climb up
and down the stepladder, and finally, when
the painting was done, 1 interrupted her
descent by tearing off her panties and per-
forming cunnilingus on her while she was
on the ladder. When we moved into round
two, she simply turned around and arched
her back against the ladder, holding on to
the rung above her head. It was incredible.
Have you ever heard of sex on a ladder?—
D. E, Atlanta, Georgia.

Sure, from a guy who dated a woman bas-
кефа! player. It was the only way he could
have sex. Once you start thinking about it,
ladders are everywhere. You can sneak into а
playground after dark and use the ladder оп
the slide. You can haunt the stacks at the pub-
lic library and send your girlfriend to find
obscure texts located at the top of the racks.
(Maybe this is how the Arab sheik enters the
branch librarian.) And it sure takes the fain
out of household chores. Thanks for the tip.

Why is the audio signal on video tapes
so inaudible? When I put the sound signal
from either my television set or my video
recorder through my amplifier, I have to
crank the volume way up to get decent
sound. Then, if I change over to cassette,
CD or FM receiver without turning the
volume down, the blast nearly takes out my

apartment wall (as well as trashes my
speakers). Is there something wrong with
my equipment?—T. G., Glencoe, Illinois.

The problem is with carrier waves: FM
signals (as well as CD, tape and LP) use an
audio level that is much higher than the level
of broadcast TV or prerecorded video tapes.
If you record a TV show, you get the same
pissant signal. Not only that, if you try to
tape a TVIFM simulcast and you feed the au-
dio signal from your FM receiver into your
'R, an automated gain control will say
unh-unh and will reduce the level to what
the video recorders circuitry says is right.
Some integrated units juggle output voltage
on the audio so that there is less discrepancy
between sources; but if you've put together
your own system, you may have to live with
caution and an occasional earache.

Some ка ago, I dated a woman who
was very athletic in bed. She lifted weights
and liked to put her muscles to use on the
dance floor, on the tennis court and on the
water bed. We would sometimes wrestle as
a prelude to having sex, and the actual sex
act was closer to pumping iron than any-
thing I'd ever experienced. I would reach
incredibly intense total-body orgasms. I
now go with a woman whose sexual style is
tenderness, gentle caresses, massage and
relaxation. I miss the old vigor. When I try
to work up a sweat, she complains that I
am too aggressive, and, yes, she has even
used the I word—insensitive. Any sugges-
ns?—N. В., Chicago, Illinois.

We were rereading a copy of Alex Comforts
“More Joy—A Lovemaking Companion to
the Joy of Sex,” and came across a fascinating
discussion of the sexual language of muscles:
“Involving the whole musculature in the act
of ejaculation is about the nearest men nor-
malls get to the whole-body sensations women
experience in orgasm, though theirs is of a
different kind. Most men get a partial experi-
ence of this through exertion in intercourse—
а passive or totally relaxed orgasm is quite
possible for men, but obviously, it doesn't
make use of this particular body language.”
Comfort notes that violent physical activity
during intercourse can be seen as hostility but
that muscle dynamics shouldn't be confused
with motive. “Actual struggle, if its under
control, turns many men on . . . and и may be
because abortive movements are effective and
reminiscent of infant sensuality experiences
that they often wish the woman were the
stronger. Bondage (i.e, binding someone so
that muscular tension is maximal but they
can't move or gel loose) is another traditional
method, and the only one which maintains
the tension right up to and through actual or-
gasm: You cant have sex while wrestling.
Skillfully done, it can give a man an orgasm
in which nearly every muscle of the body takes
part, making him, in one informant’ words,

ж
e
m
ы
ч
ы
Be

feel Ше one huge penis, In short,
bondage is a kind of isometric exercise that
lets you use your full strength without bring-
ing down the temple. Comfort seems to ad-
dress your problem with one parting remark:
“Observe, after what we've said, that both
wrestling and bondage as sexual extras terri-
fy (or fascinate) some anxious people as vio-
lent, aggressive or sadistic. They've got far
more to do with body image. At the other ex-
treme, total muscle relaxation is sexual (in
both sexes) and doesn't have апу symbolisms
alarming to man, because it’ a statement of
total nonaggression. All the same, it can pro-
duce all-body orgasm in males who learn the
knack, though more rarely than tension, be-
cause its not a positive effort and isn’t boosted
artificially.” It is hard for two conflicting
styles to coexist in the same bed. We think you
ought to explain. the physiology and alter-
nate: Some days she will wrestle in your
weight class, and seme days you'll relax in
hers.

hi possible to rent a sports car in Eu-
торе? My girlfriend and I would like to
take a few weeks and drive through the old
country. Since we'll be on the autobahn, it
would be nice to have one of those cars de-
signed and built for autobahn speeds. Do
you have any leads?—T. P, New York, New
York.

Auto Exclusiv has provided luxury and
sports cars (o travelers in Europe for more
than a decade. You can rent a BMW, Porsche
or Mercedes for about what a deluxe hotel
suito might cost. Look at it this way: You give
up room service, but then, how many rooms
have a view that changes at 275 kilometers
per hour? A Porsche 911 Cabriolet, a BMW
750iL and a Mercedes 560 SEL each rent for
about $2020 a week, depending on the ex-
change rate. A Porsche 928 GT will set you
back about $2605 per week; a Mercedes 1901
16V about $1360. Auto Exclusiv can help
you with customized touring and hotel plans
(for those of you who can tear yourselves out
of the car), including factory tours and visits
0 car museums. You can contact the firm
through its North American office. (Write to
PO. Box 22292, St. Petersburg, Florida
33742, or call 813-526-6191) Now, if you
can survive the fight over who gets to drive,
you niay even have a romantic week.

Someone stole all of my old Nikon
FM2s, with the assorted lenses. The in-
surance check came in, and when | went
to the store, I was stunned by all the tech-
nological innovations. It seems that the en-
tire world has switched to autofocus
cameras—with models ranging from
cheap point-and-shoot happy-snap cam-
eras to computerized megacameras that
do everything except airbrush the finished
print. 1 used to think of myself asa purist,
but I want an expert's advice on the new
equipment. Has Playboy's staff switched to
autofocus cameras?—A. A., Albuquerque,
New Mexico.

We have been slow to accept the new tech-
nology, but that is changing. Senior Staff

Photographer Pompeo Posar went to Italy on
vacation last summer with one camera—an
autofocus with a 35-75 zoom. Contributing
Photographer David Chan picked up a state-
of-the-art autofocus that he plans on learning
how to use (they are far from simple) when he
has a break fiom work. Galen Rowell, a
world-class nature photographer, says that
autofocus takes some getting used to—it’s the
difference between flying by visual reference
(what the eye sees) aud flying by instrument
(what the computer sees). There are four
things you can do with a camera: set the shut-
ter speed, set the lens aperture, take a
through-the-lens exposure reading and focus.
Seems pretty simple, right? The most famous
photographs in the world arc taken by hand,
so its hard to argue against the purists’ posi-
tion. But lets look at what the autocameras
do. For years, ше found that autoexposure
lenses did not focus as quickly or as well as we
did by eye-hand coordination. That is no
longer true. The state-of-the-art models are
‘faster, more accurate (especially in certain
light conditions) and, in top-of-the-line mod-
els, such as the Nikon F4, are able to track a
fast-moving subject better than we can. Ad-
mittedly, fast-moving subjects are not a major
problem, since very few of our models run
wind sprints during а shoot, but if you do
sports photography, state-of-the-art cameras
are a must. The metering on the better autoex-
posure cameras has reduced years of experi-
ence to a couple of microchips thal seem to
make as good an educated guess as we do.
You can move from center weight to spot me-
tering to patterned readings all with one
switch. We still double check with hand-held
meters and probably will for years to come.
That leaves shutter selection and aperture:
Most of the new cameras can be set to give
priority to either. The only drawback to the
autoeverything approach is battery life:
When the power dies, the camera dies. A
backup manual body for location shooting is
a wise idea.

Hey: 1 suffer from premature ejacula-
tion. Most of the sex manuals I've read talk
about the squeeze method—something
you do with a cooperative partner. But I
don't want to sleep with a sex therapist. I
mean, I want to cure myself without enlist-
ing the help of a new lover on our first
night together. Got any suggestions?—
“L E., Chicago, Illinois.

Pick up a copy of "PE: How to Overcome
Premature Ejaculation," by Dr. Helen Singer
Kaplan. (Its available for $13.95. from
Brunner/Mazel, 19 Union Square, New York
10003.) Dx. Kaplan writes that "the immedi-
ate ‘here and now’ cause of PE is always а
lack of sexual sensory awareness.” She de-
scribes a start-stop method that will teach you
the sensations of orgasm and what it feels like
just before you come. When you masturbate,
“stop stimulating yourself when you reach a
high level of arousal, near orgasm. Stop for a
few seconds—not long enough to lose your
erection but long enough for your excitement

to go down a little, Then start the rhythmic
stroking of the shaft and tip of your penis
again. Interrupt three times. Let yourself
come on the fourth time as fast and as freely
as you can. During this whole experience, try
to concentrate on your pleasurable penile sen-
sations. Do not try to hold back." The method
involves moving on to а wet masturbatory
technique (using petroleum jelly or soapsuds)
to simulate the vagina. You focus on your
oum sensations, learn to stop and then to let
go. To make this easier, Kaplan suggests
learning to rate your sexual arousal: “Rate
the degree of your sexual excitement (nol your
erection) on a subjective scale which runs
from zero to ten. Zero is when you are feeling
absolutely no excitement at all and ten is
when you reach orgasm. You should have
been stopping penile stimulation when you
were at about eight and а half If you tried to
go until nine and а half, you went a bit too
far, and if you stopped at four or five, you
ended the stimulation a bit too soon. Remem-
ber, the aim of this program is not to keep your
excitement down until you want to come.
That is no fun at all, and besides, that doesn't
work, The objective is for you to learn not to
ejaculate while staying at the intensely pleas-
urable sexual plateau stage which precedes
orgasm and to be able to relish the delicious
sensations of being highly aroused instead of
trying to hold back. During real-life inter-
course, most men stay somewhere between five
and seven, except for brief peaks of eight or
50, until they are ready to go all the way.” The
scale is useful for gauging your behavior dur-
ing intercourse, For example, if you reach an
eight and а half during foreplay, don't try to
penetrate. Lei yourself cool down (refrain
from rubbing or thrusting against your part-
ners body). The расе you adopt to keep your-
self at six may be just the kind of luxurious
lovemaking your partner desires most.

Wie heard from secondhand sources that
sperm has a moisturizing effect if used ава
face cream. Word has it that if applied
around the eyes, semen causes wrinkles,
crows-feet and other lines to disappear.
Any truth to this, or is someone pulling my
leg?—T. M., Albany, New York.

Were you looking forward to opening your
own cosmetics counter at leading fashion
boutiques? Sorry, but semen has no magical
restorative powers. Look at it this way: What's
the most wrinkled part of your body? The one
that comes into contact with semen most fre-
quently, right? Check out the porn stars in the
next X-rated video you rent. Youll see charac-
ter lines.

АЙ reasonable questions—from fashion,
food anddrink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, taste and etiquette—uwill be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 М.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

"She was Law Review | |
And she drinks Johnnie aU |

Good taste is always an asset:

ТНЕРРІ

АҮВОҮ FORUM

America so loves the
underdog that it seldom
checks to see if itis rabid.

That is why the
Reverend. Donald. Wild-
mon, self-professed un-
derdog, is getting such
good press this year. The
Wall Street Journal, Peo-
ple, The New York Times
and Time magazine have
all sent reporters to pro-
file the Tupelo ayatollah.
Writers take the man at
face value, calling him “a
scrappy preacher,” “the
avenging angel of the
airwaves,” "rhe arithmeti-

WHAT DO DON WILDMON
AND DON CORLEONE HAVE

IN COMMON?

FAMILY VALUES

MCA, claiming Sidney
Sheinberg “would never
allow a film to be re-
leased as offensive to
Jews as this film is to mil-
lions of Bible-believing
Christians" He called
Universal а company
"whose decision-making
body is domimated by
non-Christians.

Is Wildmon antifemi-
nis? He despises B
Arthur's feminist polities
and asks followers to go
after the sponsors of The
Golden Girl. Не says
that the show is “sex, sin

cian of media morality.”

The media bought
Wildmon's account that
he sat down to watch tele-
vision one night with his
family and, seeing only
adultery, profanity and

THEY WANT

TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER

YOU CAN'T REFUSE

violence, launched a cru-
sade for quality television and family
values. No one dug deep enough to dis-
cover that Wildmon is an underdog
with a $5,000,000 budget who taps the
same right-wing coffers that helped Jer-
ry Falwell fund the invisible Moral Ma-
jority, Or that the family he sought to
protect from this filth now has jobs in
his organization reviewing video tapes
of offensive shows and writing sum-
maries of them for the AFA Journal.
Here's an example of how he and his
family work. They counted the number
of times that the word penis was men-
tioned (23) on a Saturday Night Live skit
that celebrated the reduction of cen-
sors. The AFA Journal, assembled by
Wildmon's brother, son and daughter,
reprinted the skit (along with the usual
accounts of rape, bestiality and porn
addiction so lurid they would make
Geraldo blush). The newsletter went
out to the faithful—thus inflicting the
dread P word on 380.000 readers who.
may have missed that episode of S.N.L
"Then, claiming to represent the offend-
ed masses, Wildmon made the sponsors
of Saturday Night Live an offer they
couldnt refuse: Drop the ads or have
380,000 followers boycott the adver-

used products. When S.
“penis.” people laugh. When Wildmon
says "penis," people pull ads.

People who have watched Wildmon
operate, first as executive director of
the National Federation for Decency,
then, when that well began to go dry, as
executive director of the American
Family Association and now as the ar-
chitect of the CLeaR-TV boycott, don't
call him a scrappy preacher. They call
him a demagog as dangerous as Sena-
tor Joe McCarthy (whom the press once
labeled “a scrappy Senator"). They call
him an economic terrorist, a politically
savvy front man or, simply, the panhan-
dler of the year

"They know Wildmon’ crusade is not
for quality television and family values.
He has another agenda. He wants to
create a theocracy based on a “Biblical
ethic of decency.” His ethic of decency
has been referred to as anti-Semitic,
antifeminist, antiblack, antihomosexu-
al and antifreedom.

Is Wildmon anti-Semitic? When һе
protested the film Тіс Last Temptation
of Christ, he did not criticize the author
or the director (both of whom were
Christians) but, rather, the president of

says

and sacrilege in the sun
time again, as the aging
series starts usual,
spewing out crude put-
downs, ant-Chrisüan
humor and profanity

Is Wildmon antiblack?
He sits on the board of
directors of Christian Voice, a watch-
dog organization of the religious right.
Among the objectives of the Christian
Voice: to oppose sanctions against
South African apartheid. Is it possible
that Wildmon's model of a Christian so-
ciety is South Africa?

In one of his many rampages against
Playboy, Wildmon noted a Ken Kesey
story "with a nonwhite hero" in which
"difficult feats are accomplished under
massive drug influence" Who, other
than Wildmon, notes the race of a
fictional character? Is he trying to sug-
gest that the story provided Len Bias—
nominated to our all-America team in
the same issue—with a role model? Or
is it something more revealing? 15 this
the same tactic that made Willie Horton
a household hysteria? Nothing like the
image of a drug-crazed nonwhite to
pluck racist heartstrings.

Wildmon threatened Pepsi with а
boycott if it did not drop an ad featur-
ig Madonna, claiming that viewers
might confuse it with the "sacrilegious
video" that featured the rock singer
embracing a black saint (The Playboy
Forum, September). What exactly was
the sacrilege—the stigmata or the race

of the saint?

Is Wildmon antihomosexual? He
criticizes networks that portray gay
characters in a positive light. Perhaps
he would much prefer to see them as
murder victims. In a rccent issue of
his newsletter, he expressed dismay that
a gay-rights organization had had the
dout to talk Hollywood into rewriting
an episode of Midnight Caller in which
an AIDS carrier was to be killed in cold
blood. In the same breath that Wild-
mon says “God loves homosexuals,” he
seems to whisper, in a paraphrase of
the Vietnam T-shirt, “So let's kill them
all and let God sort them out.”

Study the history of demagogs.
America finally realized that McCarthy
was a paranoid psychotic when the
numbers of Reds in the State Depart-
ment escalated to the absurd. Wildmon,
100, keeps naming names, seemingly to
keep the money rolling in. And as
Arthur Kropp, head of People for the
American Way, points out, “Wildmon
can find ап antifamily conspiracy іп a
test pattern.”

We learned long ago to suspect every-
thing that resembles a statistic when ut-
tered by the scrappy preacher. He
believes that the Bible is God's truth,
the only one Americans need. This po-
sition frees him from the necessity of
recognizing the truth in any other con-
text. When CBS investigated a previous
incarnation of CLeaR-TV called CBTV,
it found that one third of the 60 organi-
zations listed as sponsors disavowed
any connection with the group. The
Detroit Free Press—one of the few to
actively challenge Wildmons pose—
asked Archbishop Edmund Szoka—
one of 223 Christian leaders who
allegedly endorsed Wildmon's National
Federation for Decency—what, if any,
connection the two had. Szoka said
through a spokesperson that beyond a
general statement of concern about
television, “he has signed nothing else,
nor does he endorse the organization.”

In a Time magazine interview, Wild-
mon adopts an odd, chameleonlike pro-
tective coloration: He claims that he
is only doing for Christians what the

Anti-Defamation League does for Jews.
"] could probably count on one hand,
or certainly two hands, the number of
programs in which a Christian depict-
ed in a modern-day setting is shown in
а positive manner. They're usually de-
picted as con men, rip-off artists, adul-
terers, murderers, rapists, thieves, liars.

“A person who is wearing a cross,
carrying a Bible or standing behind a
pulpit is usually mentally deranged, at
best incompetent.”

An article in Manhattan, Inc. chal-
lenged Wildmon's champion-of-the-op-
pressed pose, stating that ап analysis оГ
television programs by a research firm
had found that the clergy are over-
whelmingly presented. positively. The
lie isa wonderful defensive strategy: И
you criticize Wildmon, you are, by his

conspiracy. If you criticized McCarthy,
you were anti-American or worse, а
pinko.

A large part of Wildmon's act is
smoke, mirrors and lies—but only a
fool would label him a harmless under-
dog.

“Wildman can find an antifamily conspiracy in a test
pattern." —Arthur Kropp, president, People for the American Way

Houston Knights, Murder, She Wrote,

Knots Landing, Kate and Allie, Amen, L.A.
Law, Hooperman, Cheers, Мк Belvedere,
Moonlighting, Miami Vice, Night Court,
Wiseguy, Highway to Heaven, ALF, My Two
Dads, The Golden Girls, Jake and the Fal
Man, In the Heat of the Night, Hotel, Mighty
Mouse, Magical World of Disney, Johnny Car-
son 26th Annwersary Special, Dear John, The
Wonder Years, Growing Pains, thirtysomething,
Midnight Caller, Tattingers, Murphy Brown,
Saturday Night Live, 60 Minutes, Lonesome
Dove, A Man Called Hawk, Father Dowling
Mysteries, The Smothers Brothers’ Comedy
Hour, A Different World, Head of the Class,
Just the Ten of Us, West 57th, Heartbeat.

Do you want a man who finds these shows offensive
telling you what your family can watch?

МЕ W

SFR

O N T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

CONGRESSIONAL GRAFFITI

WASHINGTON, D.c.— The Corcoran Gal-
lery of Art canceled a retrospective of the
photographs of Robert Mapplethorpe, say-
ing that the photos might offend those on

Capitol Hill who monitor its Federal
financing. Meanwhile, the National En-
dowment for the Arts, which partly
financed the show, is under fire from Sen-
ator Jesse Helms because it contributed
funds to that show and other shows that he
finds objectionable. A number of other leg-
islators are considering cutting NEAS
grant money. Representative Sidney Yates,
inorder to defuse the situation, is working
оп an amendment to the NEA appropri-
ation bill limiting its ability to give
grants, while Representative Dick Armey
wants written guarantees from the NEA
that it will поі fund any artwork polen-
tially offensive to the majority of people.
According to one art collector, “The atmos-
phere right now is pretty poisonous for
arts funding.”

PRISONERS AND POLICE

WASHINGTON, D.C—The US, Supreme
Court unanimously ruled that police-
brutality suits need show only that offi-
cers acted “unreasonably” under the
circumstances, rather than “maliciously
and sadistically.” The Court also upheld
Federal-prison censorship regulations
“reasonably related to legitimate penologi-
cal interests,” meaning that wardens may

ban any publication they believe "detri-
mental to the security, good order or disci-
pline of the institution . . . or might
facilitate criminal activity."

THANK GOD I FLUNKED

TORRANCE, CALIFORNIA— Teachers and
union representatives are criticizing
school-district administrators for using
wriling-proficiency exams to determine
which students need drug counseling Two
thousand students were asked to write
essays about drugs. Those who seemed ex-
ceptionally knowledgeable were recom-
mended for visils to a school counselor or
psychologist.

CONSTITUTIONAL VICTORY

WASHINGTON, D.C—The U.S. District
Court struck down as unconstitutional
major portions of former Attorney Gener-
al Edwin Meeses Child Protection and
Obscenity Enforcement Act (“Тһе Playboy
Forum,” June 1966). The ruling held that
the law violated the First Amendment
rights of publishers and film makers who
deal in legitimate erotic material.

COMMUNITY: SERVICE

DELRAY BEACH, FLORIDA—Southern Bell
officials report thal a hacker got into the
companys computer system and pro-
grammed it to route overflow calls intend-
ed for probation officers to a dial-a-porn
line, where they hear sex talk from Tina.
According to a Southern Bell spokesman,
“We're very alarmed.”

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

UNITED NATIONS—A State Department
official says that the United States will
withhold its $19,000,000 annual contri-
bution to the United Nations Population
Fund because it subsidizes (though it does
not endorse) abortions in China,

CONDOM LESSON

MONTREAL, QuEBEC— The Canadian
Public Health Association released a
video tape that instructs high school stu-
dents how to use a condom. The 27-
minute video was released after a survey
of high school students revealed that 52
percent of them are sexually active,

JAVA ALERT

ATLANTA—Pregnant women have been
warned to go easy on caffeine for the sake
of the fetus. Now men are being warned to
go easy on caffeine for the sake of fertility.
Researchers at Emory University found
that some men who drink too much coffee
experience chronic infertility; caffeine ap-
parently impairs their sperm production.

OFS!

“Right-Wing Revenge” (“The Playboy
Forum,” August) noted that the Internal
Revenue Service had cut off the tax
exempt status for some liberal organiza-
tions—including People for the American
Way. Our source, The Wall Street Jour-
nal, was apparently engaging т wishful
thinking. The IRS has assured us that
contributions to organizations such as
People for the American Way are tax
exempt, Send those checks.

NO BUTTS ABOUT IT

NORTH MYRTLE BEACH, SOUTH CAROLI-
NA—This waterfront town has fought its
share of battles over nudity on the beaches,
and now it’s trying to repel an invasion of

young women wearing the thong bathing
suit. “We have had a city ordinance since
1976 against revealing certain parts of
the body—including the buttocks,” says
one city official. Thong-clad women are
asked to find another beach.

ABORTION
The Supreme Court's decision
in Webster vs. Reproductive Health
Services is another act of violence
against women and children
Where are the pro-life positions,
plans and programs for mothers
and their children who аге
fighting poverty, homelessness,
poor education, joblessness and
an imperfect health-care system?
1 will pressure my elected
officials to yote against limiting
abortion rights and to vote for
human-needs programs. | urge
other Playboy readers to do the
same. Please tell them how they
can find out who their state legis-
lators are.
Julia Middleton
Chicago, Illinois
The easiest way to find out who
your state legislator is is to call
your states Board of Elections—
or you can always call your local li-
brarys reference department

Big Brother is here in the form
of the Supreme Court and its in-
trusion into the moral and medi-
cal decisions that women face.
Why should our judicial system
legislate morality? That is exactly
what the founding fathers were
against,

T. Chapman
San Diego, California

The Supreme Courts ruling
on the Missouri abortion law is
discriminatory. Not only does it
allow for state legislators to make
ahortions too costly for poor
women, it also allows them essen-
tially to eliminate abortion as ап
option by forbidding public em-
ployees to even mention the A
word to pregnant women seeking
counseling. This is exploiting
poverty and ignorance for the
sake of some unrealistic Platonic
ideal.

G. Greene
‘Trenton, New Jersey

The Supreme Courts recent
abortion decision may, indeed,
cut down the number of “mur-
dered unborn children" (as pro-
lifers say), but it will increase the
number of murdered born chil-
dren. Forcing women to carry

FOR THE RECORD

A CHILL WIND BLOWS

“The plurality would clear the way once again
for Government to force upon women the physical
labor and specific and direct medical and psycho-
logical harms that may accompany carrying a fetus
to term. The plurality would clear the way again
for the state to conscript a woman's body and to
force upon her a ‘distressful life and future.”

“Every year, many women, especially poor and
minority women, would die or suffer debilitating
physical trauma, all in the name of enforced
morality or religious dictates or lack of compas-
sion, as it may be.

“To overturn a constitutional decision is a rare
and grave undertaking. 10 overturn a constitu-
tional decision that secured a fundamental
sonal liberty to millions of persons would be
unprecedented in our 200 ycars of constitutional
history.

“Today's decision involves the most politically
divisive domestic legal issue of our time. By refus-
ing to explain or to justify its proposed revolution-
ary revision in the law of abortion, and by refusing
to abide not only by our precedents but also by our
canons for reconsidering those а the
plurality invites charges of cowardice and illegiti-
macy to our door. I cannot say that these would be
undeserved.

“For today, at least, the law of abortion stands
undisturbed. For today, the women of this nation
still retain the liberty to control their destinies. But
the signs are evident and very ominous, and a chill
wind blows.

“I dissent.”

—]USTICE HARRY BLACKMUN, from his
dissenting opinion of Webster us.
Reproductive Health Services

pregnancies to term cannot force
them to want—or love—their
children.

D. Jenkins

Bismarck, North Dakota

POLITICAL WIVES

The Republicans were ready
and eager to hang former Speak-
er of the House Jim Wright be-
cause his wife, Betty, held an
$18,000-a-year job with someone
they found unacceptable. Well, I
have some problems with the ac-
tivities of Susan Baker, wife of
James A. Baker III, President
Bush's Secretary of State. Susan
Baker is cofounder of the music
watchdog organization Parents
Music Resource Center and is а
board member of Dr. James A.
(“Pornography made Ted Bundy
do it”) Dobson's group Focus on
the Family. This group includes
anti-abortionists, anti-gay-rights
activists and advocates of censor-
ship, prayer in school and the
teaching of creation science. I'm
sure Susan Baker would say she
is pro-family; I'd say she is anti-
human.

M. Morris
New York, New York

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE . . .
The following is a quote from
The Law Giveth . . . ‚һу Barbara
Milbauer: "[In the late 1800s]
American meant white Anglo-
Saxon Protestant, and that
definition was intended 10 ex-
clude everyone else [Italian and
Irish Catholics and blacks]. Tia-
ditional values were Anglo-Saxon
values. . .. The values [they] held
dear were well knownand consist-
ent . . . home and family, Chris-
tian values, order, male and
female destiny. . . . In such an at-
mosphere, those who ran for
office could and did rely heavily
on moralizing in their specch-
making . . - The evangelical
fervor that swept the country
during this period was sternly
moral. Birth control, let alone
abortion, was not countenanced,
and sin was everywhere."
How Іше thing have
changed.
S. Carpenter
Denver, Colorado

Ra r EZ rS

PASO AN PGS Е

MAD ABOUT MADD

Several years ago, 1 tried to get the
MADD organization in suburban
Philadelphia to broaden its outreach in
behalf of safer highways ("One for the
Road," The Playboy Forum, April). 1 pro-
posed that it seck legislation requiring
severe penalties for drivers who, for ex-
ample, stop dead in expressway-accelera-
tion lanes because they lack the ordinary
driving skills to merge into traffic at
highway speeds using only the rearview
mirror, who drive in the left-hand lane
without passing, who fail to move left to
allow other cars easier access to express-
ways, who block intersections during
traffic tie-ups, etc.

MADD was not interested in seeking
mandatory jail terms and license suspen-
sions for such drivers even though
thoughtless and unskilled people may be
responsible for as many traffic deaths ina
yezr as drinking drivers are. Unfortu-
nately, since such people are rarely in-
volved in the accidents they cause, we do
not have statistics to prove them to be
vastly more dangerous than drinking
drivers.

As a social drinker, І may, on occasion,
consume two or three cocktails and then
get behind the wheel of my car. Not only
am Га better driver than the incom-
petent motorists I described—even with
two or three drinks under my belt—but
also, ! drink and drive only once or twice
a month at most, while lousy, unsafe, un-
skilled drivers are lousy, unsafe and un-
skilled every day of the week.

It's а sobering thought.

Раш R. Hollrah
Locust Grove, Oklahoma

CHRISTIAN REVERENCE FOR LIFE?

In the June Playboy Forum, anti-abor-
tionist Phillip B. Snow comments in
“Reader Response” that “reverence for
human life is a hallmark of Judaeo-
Christian thought and Western ethics.”
On the contrary, Christian religions have
a long tradition and history of hatred
and intolerance toward anyone who
holds views contrary to theirs. A great
deal of suffering, death and persecution
can be directly attributed to Christianity:
the Crusades, the Inquisition and the har-
assment and persecution of scientists and
freethinkers who sought to improve the
knowledge and lives of mankind.

American history is not one of rever-
ence and tolerance by Christians, either.

Women were burned at the stake as

witches simply because they were
thought to be un-Christian. Listen to
broadcasts by some TV preachers and
youll find that intolerance 1s alive and
well in the U.S.

The abortion controversy also shows
just how much reverence Christians have
for human life. Some pro-lifers harass, — ir
threaten and use physical violence
against pro-choice advocates with the
same religious fervor and piety that the
Moslems in the Middle East have dis-

fear, intolerance, persecution and human
suffering. No religious group can claim
to be better than any other.

Willard Т. Wheeler

(Address withheld by request)

А CONUNDRUM
pornography caused violence,
wouldn't our Armed Forces use it to con-
dition American troops for battle?

George Wall
Hyattsville, Maryland

o ate

+ Despite rumors to the contrary. AIDS is not going to college, at least
not in at numbers. The American College Health Association
checked 16,861 blood samples from students on 19 campuses and found
that the HI V-infection rate was two per 1000— similar to the rate of in-
fection in other groups not at particular risk of contracting the disease.

* A study of 169 homeless men at one municipal shelter in New York
City found an AIDS-infection rate of 62 percent. The city's health com-
missioner called the rate “very high” but was not surprised by the re-
sults, given the high rate of J.V-drug use among the homeless. AIDS
experts are calling for a broader study—and for more city services for
homeless people with AIDS.

+ As of February 28, 1989, 88,096 AIDS cases and 51,310 AIDS deaths
had been reported to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control. An estimated
1,000,000 to 1,500,000 Americans are infected with the HIV.

* Three hundred and fifty-two of those infected with AIDS are
teenagers, 46 percent of whom are white, 34 percent black, 18 percent
Hispanic and two percent other races.

+ In New York City, AIDS is the leading cause of death for women from
the ages of 25 to 34 and the fourth most common cause of death for
women from the ages of 15 to 24. Women are more likely than men to
contract the disease from their opposite-sex partners.

+ In 1989, Federal spending for AIDS research and prevention will to-
tal 1.3 billion dollars; Federal spending for cancer research and preven-
tion will total 1.5 billion dollars; for heart disease, one billion dollars;
and for diabetes, 5267,000,000.

* Approximately 65 percent of hemophiliacs are HIV-positive; there
are between 15,000 and 20,000 hemophiliacs in the United States.

+ Sixty-one percent of AIDS cases are homosexual or bisexual men, 20
percent are I.V.-drug users, seven percent are homosexual or bisexual
men who also use LV. drugs, three percent have received blood transfu-
sions, one percent are hemophiliacs, one percent are infants born to in-
fected mothers and four percent are heterosexuals who have had sexual
contact with someone infected with HIV. The remainder are people
with no known risk factors.

How ironic to be accused in the glossy,
garter-strewn pages of Playboy of having
“trivialized sex”! Thank the Goddess I
haven't lost my sense of humor!

Your series of articles titled Burning
Desires: Sex in America (Playboy, April,
May, June and July) makes some good
points but utterly misses others, Your
over-all analysis of sex and feminism is
shallow and wrongheaded.

Here's how I see it:

Yes, feminists, like other human libera-
tionists, thought that a free person ought
to have a free body. Then we embraced
“free” sex and discovered that in our pu-
ritanical, misogynistic culture, there was
no such thing. We were thinking of free-
dom, but our partners were thinking of
scoring—an ethos your magazine has
done everything to perpetuate

Ме were thinking of love and equality,
but our partners were thinking of their
Don Juan lists. We were thinking of cre-
ating a truly androgynous culture, but
our partners were thinking of putting us
into meat grinders. We discovered that in
a culture that worships the whore/Ma-
donna complex, we had merely become
whores.

We had started out wanting to rewrite
that script. We ended up having it shoved
down our throats (and other parts).

We still want to rewrite that script.
That is where Andrea Dworkin, Anne
Rice, Germaine Greer and 1 probably do
agree. But our books, our interviews, our
quotes are received into an environment
that warps and twists them—as you have
done.

I don't agree with Dworkin about legal
censorship, but I do agree with her that
violence toward women is omnipresent
and must be stopped. Even as I write,
women are being raped and thrown
from rooftops. Even as I write, violent
men are being set free while their victims
lie maimed or dead. A society that can-
not protect its daughters from rape and
abuse is in deep decadence. Feminists
recognize that. Why don't you?

The question is: What to do about it?
The question is: Does the culture sublim-
inally (and not so subliminally) encourage
rape? The question is: Can men be po-
tent without violence? Playboy would do
well to address these issues rather than
pretend that they don't exist.

Ме are not just a bunch of silly women
who changed our minds. We are passion-

Жалан
the auth
Әт.

ate liberationists who started out think-
ing that the pen is mightier than the
sword and discovered, after nearly 20
years of public life, that things are not
quite so simple. We need to change our
culture so that sex can be beautiful, free,
loving, equal, sensuous, an expression of
connection rather than of fragmentation.
What is Playboy doing to further that
cause? Not bloody much.

Erica Jong

New York, New York

Playboy replies:

Shame. Erica, after
having had a relationship
with Playboy for almost
15 years, we would think
that you would have a
dearer understanding of
an author's task and an
editor's task. The analy-
sis of sex and feminism is
that of the authors, Steve
Chapple and David Tal-
bot They successfully
show the diversity and
internal contradiction of
the feminist movement.

As for twisting words,
the quotes attributed to
you by Chapple and Tal-
bot contain many of the
same points you make in
your letter. They quote
you as saying that men
who write to you take
what should be a “feast of
life, and put it in their
meat grinder.” And that,
for males, sex is acquisitive (hence, scor-
ing) and that “our society is in deep de-
nial about the violence toward women.”
Now you say our society is in deep deca-
dence. Well, clearly, as George Bush
would say, we stepped in deep doodoo.

We've heard the charges you make be-
fore, but from people we respect less.

Our guess is that you feel betrayed by
Chapple and Talbot's statement that you
“trivialize sex.” Yes, you trivialized sex—
but so did we. And that was a revo-
lutionary act. We took sex our of
the sacred/profane, marital/premarital,
moral/immoral dichotomy and looked at
й as "that which may be found every-
where, common, ordinary.”

Kinsey was accused of reducing sex to
statistics, Masters and Johnson of reduc-
ing sex to mechanics and Playboy of re-

FEARLESS FEMINIST, ERICA

of “fear of flying” and “fanny” responds to

ducing sex to objects. All are false
accusations. We simply broke sex down
into something that could be studied,
discussed, written about and pho-
tographed. We realized that sex isn't a
single thing and celebrated its diversity.
Ме embraced free sex, the notion of a
free spirit in a free body. But we never
said that sex was meaning-free, or mem-
ory-free, or wisdom-free, or responsibili-
ty-free, or consequence-free.

Here’s what one of our women editors

says: “In the Sixties, women who wrote
about sex were trying to take it from its
lofty place—only in marriage and com-
mitment—and bring it to a more real
place. Women could be just as lusty as
men. Women had the same right to enjoy
sex for its own sake as men did; sex didn't
need a lifetime commitment and it could
be good fun. So what happened?

“When sex and disease became hope-
lessly tied together, the same people who
had said they enjoyed sex at its most triv-
ial level now had to beat the typewriter
about the danger of uncommitted sex.

“Playboy, too, has published articles
about the need for caution. We do not en-
dorse irresponsible sexual behavior. But
we have still tried to celebrate sex in all
is wonderful, goofy yes, even trivial
favor Sex is sull fun. ‘Trivial doesn't

mean meaningless and caution doesn't
mean boredom."

We have always addressed the conse-
quences of sex: pregnancy and disease.
But our words of caution are not words of
condemnation.

Does Playboy perpetuate scoring?
Well, if by scoring you mean a concatena-
tion of crude conquests, we think not. If
you mean the keeping of an account or a
record of indebtedness, perhaps. What
saddens us is the revisionist view of expe-

rience that you have adopted. You apply a
double standard to desire itself. How
simple-minded to claim that all that men
are interested in is scoring, that а se-
quence of partners adds up to a winning
figure for men and a loose definition of
serial gang bang for women. Men do car-
ту a list—called memory. For some men,
the list is long; for others, it'sa long list of
one. In every sexual encounter, we learn
a little something about ourselves, a little
something about our partner. You may
regret some of the partners you chose,
but, remember, they were your choices.
You imply that as a result of the sexual
revolution, men have acquired a swag-
gering confidence, while women are rav-
aged with self-doubt. There is empirical
evidence to the contrary When the
Playboy Readers’ Sex Survey compared

JONG, SHAKES HER FINGER AT PLAYBOY —

our four-part series “burning desires: sex in america”

number of lovers with sexual self-esteem,
men reported that the more lovers they
had, the greater their self-esteem. Wom-
en reported the same. Still, for some, the
specter of being promiscuous, easy, a slut
and a whore raises its head. The double
standard is alive and well, but we are not
guilty of it. You carry the enemy within.

Your feelings about the sexual revolu-
tion are shared by some very strange
bedfellows. Joseph Sobran, noted con-
servative twit, believes, as you do, that
“the sexual revolution is
great for теп. ... Aman
no longer has to fear
moral censure now for
regarding women as fair
game for his randy ap-
petite, provided he's tact-
ful enough to stop short
of rape or sexual harass-
ment. That’s what the
sexual revolution was all
about." But he continues:
"The sexual revolution
tore away all the moral
and social protections
women used to enjoy
against the. wrong kind
of men. As of the carly
Sixties, the rats and
wolves меге running
loose.”

The moral and social
protections to which So-
bran refers are the very
chains the feminist
movement attempted
to unshackle: In order
to protect women from the freedom to
make mistakes, men will shelter them in
the convent, keep them barefoot and
pregnant at home. That kind of protec-
tion is exploitation. The true disease of
the Madonna/whore or virgin/slut di-
chotomy is that it creates a class of pro-
tected women (those who dor't like sex)
and a class of unprotected women (those
who do). It also puts men into the strait
jacket of polar roles: father/playboy,
hero/villain, saint/rat.

In The Playboy Philosophy, Hugh
Hefner wrote: "Sex exists—with and
without lovc—and in both forms it does
far more good than harm. The attempts
at its suppression, however, are almost
universally harmful, both to the individ-

als involved and to society as a whole.
is is not an endorsement of promiscu-

ity or an argument favoring loveless
sex—being a romantic fellow myself, I
favor sex mixed with emotion. But we
recognize that sex without love exists;
that it is not, in itself, evil; and that it may
sometimes serve a worthwhile end."

Playboy's contribution to the revolution
was the insight that the girl next door
was neither Madonna nor whore but a
sexual being like ourselves.

Hefner quoted Dr. Roger Wescott:
“The case for sexual freedom is the
same as the case for any other kind of
frcedom— political, social or religious:
Liberty relcascs and fulfills human po-
tentialities, while restriction cramps and
distorts them. Let us therefore no longer
refuse free rein to that immense poten-
tial for good which resides, too often
muteand unrealized [within each of us). "

You were thinking of love and equali-
ty; we were thinking of potential. You
wanted to create an androgynous cul-
ture; we wanted to create a culture an-
drogynous in every area but sex. Sorry,
but some ot the dilterences are the very
heart of desire. There are parts of cul-
ture that still label women Madonnas and
whores, but when you start doing it to
yourself, you've joined the enemy. The
sexual revolution was about labels; the
other side has never exhausted itsarsenal.

If you want an analogy closer to home,
we viewed sex and sexual partners the
same way you view a stack of blank pa-
per. Some of the stories you write are best.
sellers; some stay in your desk drawer
forever; some go straight to the wastebas-
ket. You would not be a writer without
failure; you would not bc a lover without.
regrets. But do you give up? Do you ac-
cept someone else's label for you (hack,
trivial, hopeless romantic)? Would you
like a society in which women couldr't be
writers, or lovers? Of course not.

You ask how Playboy can photograph
women in garters when women are being
thrown from rooftops. First, let us start
with what we are not doing. We may trivi-
alize sex; we don't trivialize violence.

We did not publish the picture of a
woman being fed to a meat grinder.
That, dear Erica, was Hustler. It has be-
come the most successful recruiting
poster in the history of the feminist
movement. If Larry Flynt hadn't con-
ceived it, Andrea Dworkin would have.
She believes that all sex is rape; you come
dangerously dose to mouthing her

rhetoric when you say you've had liber-
ation shoved down your throat. Sexual
hatred in any form is vile.

Ме do not promote or condone rapc
or stand idly by while other men регре-
trate it. We are baffled at a court system
that releases violent males. We are as
horrified by cruelty as you are.

Readers of Playboy know that our
record on sexual violence is clear. We
abhor it. But beware of the wronghead:
ed, simple-minded, cant-spouting sis-
ters of the feminist fringe who claim
that we associate violence and sex be-
cause we show naked breasts within

Bruce Cenê 1989, Houston Chronicle

pages of an article on rape, that we tick-
le the dragon's tail.

Women але a target for certain types
of men—men who are possessed Бу
sexual hatred the way whites who
lynched blacks were possessed by racial
hatred. Do you address the problem by
labeling all men rapists or all men
racists? No. We accept the fact that vio-
lence is а male problem—but it is a
problem of power, not sex.

Studies of rapists indicate that they
do not rape for sex. They yearn for the
display of power and control the way a
stick-up artist yearns for the moment of

the drawn gun. Some experts suggest
that the need to assert this kind of inap-
propriate power comes from a child-
hood history of powerlessness and
abuse.

What Playboy has written for years is
that sex is itself a route to empower-
ment—confidence, self-esteem, identity.
This was a thought shared by many
feminist writers. Maybe we should sug-
gest that schools start power-education
programs to instill respect for self and
others in young men before they reach
fighting weight.

But we can't even get them to teach
sex education.

Tf yes, would you favor
an ecepto а woman's
life is endangered 9

Universal Pross Syndicate. Reprinted with permission.

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a touch of classic highlights the latest looks in menswear
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PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ JOHN GOCOMAN

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right that their return is like greeting an old friend who has on- Vests remain a permanent fixture in the male wardrobe,
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the walls is also back in are paired with fall's pal-

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fabric to consider addin; door. Happy shopping.
8 рр) pping.

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Left: The classic touch—
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The corduroy of today is

Left: Cotton/wool corduroy
three-piece suit with dou-
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ton dress shirt, $135, both
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Andrew Fezza Neckwear
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is worn with wool/Lycra/
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cotton wide-wale-corduroy
trousers with double-pleated
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all by Bill Robinson. (His Per-
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ними тимек KEITH RICHARDS

а candid conversation about music, drugs

rolling stone who has been on the longest,

and jagger with the
strangest trip of all

“If you want to learn an instrument, sleep
with il near your head,” bluesman Mississip-
pi John Hurt used to say. That is what Keith
Richards was doing the night in 1965 when
he dreamed and awoke to record (and fell
back to sleep to forget) what would become the
best-known riff in rock and roll and the
immortal words, "| cant get mo
satisfaction.”

Imagine waking to discover you'd wrilten
а song. Imagine that song becoming the an-
them of your generation. Imagine living from
your teenage years onward im а pressure
cooker of adulation and condemnation.
Imagine making millions of dollars, taking
uninaginable amounts of drugs and having
friends drop dead by your side. Imagine Alta-
mont, arrest and jail in Britain, your mar-
riage in the tabloids, the celebrated rumbles
with your Stonemate Mick Jagger, mort tour
ing and adulation, the breakup of “the great
est rock-and-roll band in the world,” licking
your drug problems, starting over solo in your
305, and then returning to the studio and the
road again mith the Stones. A series of nar
row escapes, the life of Keith Richards.

One afternoon in 1944, when Richards
was aboul a year old, he left with his mother
on a shopping errand in Dartford, the Lon-
don suburb where he was born, and went
home to a house demolished by German

ЕКЕ ж IN

"The Rolling Stones are inevitable. The proc
ess is inexorably predictable, whether 1 like it
or not. What can 1 say to Mick, to the Rolling
Stones, except, This thing is bigger than both
of us, darling? "

bombs. It seems a proper introduction to inter-
national society for someone whose life would.
be characterized by, among other elements of
war, loud noises. As a slightly older Dartford
citizen tooling around on his tricycle,
Richards became aware of another young
man aboul town, Michael Jagger: But it was
not until they were both about 17 that
Richards, an ari student by default, and Jag-
ger, a scholarship student at the London
School of Economics, had their fateful meet-
ing at the Dartford train station. Richards, a
guitar apprentice, and Jagger, who was try-
ing to wrap his suburban English accent
around Afro-American blues, began rehears-
ing with some like-minded schoolmates, т
time venturing to London, where they met
other emerging members of the music scene.
Over the next year or so, Richards, Jagger,
Charlie Watts, lan Stewart, Brian Jones and
a bass player named Bill Perks became the
Rolling Stones. Stewart, a boogie pianist
from Scotland who died in December 1985,
remembered. that carly on, the Stones had
rented a club in the London borough of
Ealing on two successive Tuesday nights and
“We got not a soul; not one person would
come to Ealing to sec the Rolling Stones.”
Undaunted, they carried on, found club dates
and a manager-producer (Andrew Loog Old-
ham), signed a contract with Decca Records,

“I was a choirboy al thirteen. We sang at
Westminster Abbey. All my gigs have gone
right downhill since then. Me and two other
guys sang soprano—the worst three hoods in
the school, but we had angelic voices.”

toured England, had a small hit with an old
Chuck Berry song and a bigger hit with a
song they were given by two writers from a
new group called the Beatles.

By this time, Stewart was no longer an
official band member, having been asked to
step down because he didn't fit Oldham's con-
cept of the lean, mean Rolling Stones. Old-
ham also insisted that Richards and Jogger
learn to write songs and locked them in a
room from which they emerged with “As Tears
Go By,” a hit for Oldhams new artist Mari-
anne Faithfull. Although the Stones eventu-
ally recorded the song, months passed before
they began to write true Stones tracks. Their
next single was Buddy Hollys “Not Fade
гу,” with its Bo Diddley rhythms.

On their first tour of the United States, the
band played to perhaps 150 people іп а Har-
risburg, Pennsylvania, arena designed to
hold thousands. They played on the network-
TV show of a highly amused Dean Martin,
following an dephant act

A few months later, Richards and Jagger
wrote “The Last Time.” their first song re-
leased by the Stones as the A side of a single
record, To some music fans, it was imitative of
а public-domain Gospel tune. “A good com-
poser does not imitate," Stravinsky said. “Не
steals,” The Stones’ next release was "Satis-
faction.” By the end of 1965, they were

PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAUL NATKINFHOTO RESERVE INC.

“Musicians don't start off thinking, Were
rich and famous; lels get high. Its a matter of
making the next gig, like bomber pilots. But
people started to sing about it and advocate
it. We went, ‘Oh, man, unhip:

PLAYBOY

installed along with Bob Dylan and the Bea-
tles as gods in their generation. pop pan-
theon.

Just over a year later, Richards, Jagger
and Jones were arrested in England for drug
offenses. The Stones did not launch another
major tour for nearly three years. By the ume
they returned to America in 1969, Oldham
had left their management to Allen Klein,
and Brian Jones was dead, drowned in his
swimming pool less than a month after being
asked to leave the band. That years tour end-
ed with a free concert at Altamont Speedway
in Northern California, where Hells Angels
killed a young black man in front of the stage.

The Stones retreated to Europe under their
customary cloud of bad publicity. In 1970,
they fired Klein; in 1971, they became tax ex-
iles іп France; and in 1972, they again at-
tacked America’s amphitheaters, this time
with an entourage including, at times,
Princess Lee Radziwill and Truman Capote.
On the Stones’ next US. visit, in 1975, Keith
and guitarist Ron. Wood—who had replaced
Brian Jones's replacement, Mick Taylor—
were thrown in jail in Arkansas on weapons
charges, a comic event foreshadowing
Richards’ unfunny arrest in Toronto іп 1977
for possession of heroin.

Once that problem had been resolved (by
giving public-service concerts for the blind),
Richards tried to settle his private life. Sepa-
rated from actress Anita Pallenberg, the
mother of his son, Marlon, and daughter An-
gela, Richards married—on his 40th birth-
day, December 18, 1983—the American
model Patti Hansen.

The Stones signed a new contract with
CBS, leaving Atlantic Records, their label
since 1970. The situation was complicated by
Jagger's new-found vision of himself as a solo
artist. The first Mick Jagger album, “Shes the
Boss,” was released in 1985. By the time the
Stones’ most recent album, “Dirty Work,” ap-
peared a year later, relations between Jagger
and Richards had reached an all-time low.
Jagger vefused to tour with the Stones in sup-
port of their album, choosing instead to per-
form on his own with a rented band.
Richards, hurt and angry, completed projects
with Jerry Lee Lewis and Aretha Franklin,
coordinated the music for the Chuck Berry
film “Hail! Hail! Rock т Roll” and settled
down. at last to make his own solo album,
“Talk Is Cheap,” released in late 1988. Then,
earlier this year, the Stones announced that
they would kick off a U.S. tour in September.

Richards, when asked whether there were
any book about the Stones he particularly
liked, replied, "Stanley Booth's book” — "The
True Adventures of the Rolling Stones” —“is
the only one I can read and say, Yeah, thats
how it was?” We asked Booth, a Playboy
award-winning author and companion to the
Stones at intervals over the past 20 years, to
talk with Richards. He reports:

“It now costs Keith about one one-hun-
dredih what it used to for him to get through
an evening, He still takes the occasional sip of
bourbon, but he has backed far away from the
‘frequent medications’ of the “True Adven-
tures’ era. Being with Keith these days is like

it used to be hanging out with the late blues
singer Furry Lewis—one maintains a mild
buzz in a pleasant, jovial atmosphere.
Against all odds and expectations, Keith may
turn out, unlike numerous friends, to be а
long-distance runner.

“We began our series of talks in Los Ange-
les, where Keith was taping the video for
“Take It So Hard; the first single from "Talk Is
Cheap. The whole scene was strange: a differ-
ent band in the dressing room, some in-
definable difference т the music. The band
sounded great, but the Stones sound great.
During the first take on the day of the taping,
it became obvious: Keith’ singing was better
than any I had ever associated with his musi-
cal milieu. His choirboy past had caught up
with him.

“The next night, in the first session of this
interview, Keith and I talked for a couple of
hours in his rooms at his hotel on Sunset Strip
until Patti came back from the beach with
Misses Theodora and Alexandra, the baby
beauties.

“Then Keith excused himself I'm expect-
ed.” After a meeting at ASM studios, he came
back with Jim Keltner, the born-again drum-
mer extraordinaire for the likes of Ry Cooder

“The Stones haven't worked
on the road for seven
goddamn years. Name me
another act that can
lay off that long”

and Bob Dylan. Keltners third mention of

Jesus within his first two minutes in the room

brought an exhortation from Keith to ‘leave
that stuff at home when you come to see me?

“What'd I зау?” Keltner asked.

“You brought it up three times already,
and its gettin’ on my tit—I mean, a guy
hangin’ on a cross, what a logo. (Once, in
London, Keith had silenced a Keltner sermon
with the words, ‘I love God. But 1 hate
preachers.)

“Our conversation began with personali-
tics but soon developed a somewhat philo-
sophical tone. It ended in New York a few
weeks, a few thousand miles and a few dozen
cassette tapes later. Our last session, at Keith's
office five stories above the Broadway theater
district, ended only when Keith fell asleep,
giving me—and Playboy readers—his last
waking gasp. Our final tape ends with the
classic snore that followed the original take of
"Satisfaction. "

PLAYBOY: It’s a challenge following the plot
line of the Rolling Stones’ story: The
Stones have broken up; the Stones have
gotten together; Mick is off Keith; Keith is
off Mick; the Stones are touring à
What part will the Rolling Stones play in
your immediate future?

RICHARDS: The Stones are inevitable. The
process is inexorably predictable. 1 dont
want to disappear into a bubble just be-
cause из the Rolling Stones, but I think
that 1989 will be virtually a Stones year—
whether I like it or not. What can I say to
Mick, to the Rolling Stones, except, “This
thing is bigger than both of us, darling”?

The reasons for gettin’ back together at
this particular moment? Is it the bread? 1
would say, yeah, a lot of it, of course, but
the Stones haven't worked on the road for
seven goddamn years. Name me another
act that can lay off that long. We've become
Frank tra. It's almost like the longer
you leave it, the more people want it. I cant
go down the street without somebody say-
ing—guys on garbage trucks sing out—
“When are the boys gettin’ back together,
тап?”

Having to make a record without the
Stones was a failure in itself for me, I
was finishing the solo album, 1 got a ca
from the Stones, saying, “Band meeting!”
about getting together. Just at the time Га
managed to forget this stuff!

PLAYBOY: Even throughout the time that
you guys were apart, the demand for the
Stones was still pretty intense, wasnt it?
RICHARDS: Yeah. [Pause] That there should
be so many people who want to see the
an absolute miracle. But do the
in the Stones realize what a miracle
The Stones are kind of selfish bas-
tards. They dont answer their fan mail,
except for Bill [Wyman]. They've never
done anything to suck up to the pul
: You want it or you dont. It’s like
philosophy.

It’s all gravy tous. This isa band that ex-
pected to do four club gigs a week in Lon-
don for a year or two, to make a point
about other people's music. But the longer
you stay away, the more intense it gets, the
more people want to see you. Jf we can just
keep it together,

PLAYBOY: Which brings us to Mick Jagger.

RICHARDS: The biggest problem I have with
1 say, “I'm the only one who wi
scream at you and get emotional, and that's
what puts you off me.”

PLAYBOY: On the other hand, you were out
rs, on drugs.

RICHARDS: I managed to make the gigs and
write some songs, but, yes, Mick took care
of everything through most of tbe Seven-
ties. The cat worked his butt off. He cov-
ered my ass. I feel 1 owe Mick. This is why
1 get mad at him. When I did clean up my
act in "77--“ОК, now I'm ready to shoul-
der some of the burden again. God bless
vou for taking it all on your shoulders
when 1 was out there playing the freaked-
out artist and getting busted.” He support-
ed me every fucking bit of the way. I ain't
knocking the cat at all.

But when I came back, I didnt want to
believe that Mick was enjoying the burden.
He could now control the whole thing; it

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PLAYBO!Y

became a power trip. I've heard the shit
from the john, like, “I wish he was a junkie
again."

PLAYBOY: But when you told him off, you no
doubt told him forcefull Some of your
friends would even say obnoxiously.
RICHARDS: I know. I got a big mouth—
I know. But Га think the guy I have

Not that Mick and I ever hung out that
much. One of the ways we've managed to
work together for so long is that we have
different tastes in the way we live, but we
can always work together. I just wish Mick
could find 2 few guys that he got along
with. A friend, to me, is one of the bless-
ings in life. And 1 don't agree with that

anybody get too close, or I'll get really con-
fused." Ir's hard going for that front-man
gig like Mick does. Its hard being out
front. You gotta bc able to make it work;
you gotta be able to actually believe you're
semidivine when youre out there, then
come off stage and know that you ain't.
And that’s the problem: Eventually, the

known and worked
with longest would
be able to deal
with that. By now,
he should know
my style and he
shouldnt take it too

hard. It shouldn't be
so personal. I's my
way of expressing

sonal attack,

It does disappoint
that Mick thought
he could hire that
ersatz band for his
solo tour and do the
Stones’ songs—if
you decide to do
something by your-
self, then do it by
yourself. You got
two albums out, do
them. But I dont
think Mick feels he
can trust himself so
much.

PLAYBOY: Earlier, be-
fore we turned the
tape recorder on,
you were talking
about the period of
coming to blows—
or worse—with
Mick. Want to talk
on the record?

RICHARDS: It was
about the time of

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Teaction time gets
slower. You still
think you're semidi-
vine when you're in
the limo and semidi-
vine at the hotel, un-
til you're semidivine
for the whole god-
damn tour. Mick
happens to be an in-
credible entertain-
cr Without Mick,
the Stones would
never have gone
anywhere.

PLAYBOY: Mick has
also written some
classic song lyrics.
When he changed
the lyrics of your
song Wild Horses,
your reaction was,
“Нез changed it
completely; it's fuck-
ing beautiful."
RICHARDS: He's got a
bit of Shakespeare
in him, no doubt
about it. We've had
fun arguments,
writing songs. 1
would say, “I think
this should be an
instrumental,” and
meanwhile, he'd
written an opera.
But it’s become hard
to get into an argu-

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waited until he
was three thousand
miles away and just
sent a telex, saying,
“Im not going on
the road.” 1 mean,
he could have told
me this, in person,
two days earlier, be-

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point that every ar-
gument became—at
least from my point
of view—a personal
attack. And then it
becomes difficult to
talk about anything.
Especially if you're
gonna write songs.

fore he flew away!

Mick is a weird mixture of people. Нез
still trying to live with ‘ет all. He's very,
very possessive. When I was with Gram
Parsons—Gram was special; if he was in a
room, everybody else became swect—l
first noticed Mick's reaction to anybody
who wanted to be a friend of mine. He was
rude to Gram. It didn't matter whether he
wanted to be Mick's friend; Mick's attitude
was, "You can't have him."

saying "You can count your real friends on
one hand." If thats so, then you ain't farm-
ing the right acres, because friends are еу-
сгумһеге.

PLAYBOY: Is it Mick's
friends that bothers you?
RICHARDS: My battles with Mick are on
many levels. I understand the desperation
of somebody like that, the insecurity that
says, "Until I am sure of myself, I can't let

attitude toward

‘Tome, writing songs
is like making love: You need two to write a
song. I've known Mick forty years, longer
than I've known anybody except my par-
ents.
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about those early days;
neither you nor Mick has discussed them
at much length. Mick has said that his ear-
liest memory is of hearing the guns on
Dartford Heath shooting at the German

planes. You must have heard the same
guns.

RICHARDS: Yeah. Today, if Im walking
down a hotel corridor and somebody has
the T V оп and it's playing one of those blitz
movies, English war movies, and 1 hear
that siren, the hair goes up on the back of
my head and I get goose bumps. 1 don't
know if its a memory—its а reaction,
something that I picked up in the first
eighteen months of my life.

My first actual memory was after the war
was over—not more than a few months—
looking up in the sky and pointing and
my mom saying, "That's a Spitfire." After
that, I guess the memories start when
1 was three or four years old; 1 remember
London, huge arcas of rubble and grass
growing.

PLAYBOY: And rationing lasted until 1954
in England.

RICHARDS: Right. World War Two went on
there for another nine years after it
finished everywhere else. That's when can-
dy finally came off rationing. Suddenly,
you could buy as much as you wanted
When I first went to school, for months
and months, you got a medicine bottle of
concentrated orange juice to prevent
scurvy—that was the only time you saw it
PLAYBOY: Did you live in public housing?
RICHARDS: No, it took us to 1953 or 1954 to
geta new house after the old one got blown
up bya VI, a buzz bomb. Adolf was on my
tail We went up the road and lived with
my auntie. Dartford is a few miles from the
Thames. We used to go down to the river
and play in these machine-gun bunkers
where weird hobos would be living; that
was our playground.

PLAYBOY: And it was in Dartford, at the
Wentworth County Primary School, that
you met Michael Phillip Jagger-

RICHARDS: Yes, that's how long we've known.
each other. He also lived around the cor-
ner from me, so we'd see each other on our
tricycles and hang around here and there.
Later, we started going to different
schools, but I'd still run into him now and
again. I once saw Mick outside Dartford
Library selling ice creams from a refriger-
ated trolley—summer job.

PLAYBOY: It may come to that again.
RICHARDS: | hope he remembers the
moves.

PLAYBOY: When you were a bit older, you
became a ball boy at a nearby tennis court,
didn't you?

RICHARDS: That's what I did on weekends,
іп nice weather. ГА go with my father.
From the age of eight until thirteen.
PLAYBOY: And when you were thirteen, you
became a choirboy.

RICHARDS: Yeah, I used to wear the cassock
and everything, the whole bit, The choir-
master's name was Jake Clair. At that age,
being a choirboy is just a trip away from
school; later, 1 found we'd sung in the Roy-
al Festival Hall and Westminster Abbey. All

my gigs have gone right downhill since
then.

PLAYBOY: It's hard to see Keith Richards
singing hymns in Westminster Abbey.
RICHARDS: Me and two other guys, just a
trio, sang soprano, walking down the aisle.
It was about 1956 or 1957. We were the
three worst hoods in the school, but we
had angelic voices. Jake Clair had been
working on us for a couple of years by
then, and what 1 didnt realize until very
recently was how good that guy was. He
was tough, really tough. 1 was in the choir
two or three years, but once the voice
broke, no more choir. I'm sure it broke
Jake's heart, because sopranos only last so
long when they're boys.

PLAYBOY: How did you react to your voice's

t first, I was sort of resentful at
being thrown out. So immediately, I
fucked up royally in school. Had to repeat
that year. Next year, I was expelled, but as
a sort of final gesture, they sent me to art
school, like “This is your last chance.”

I had by then lost all formal contact with
music and might have lost interest in
it except for my grandfather Augustus
Theodore Dupree. He'd been a saxophone
player and master baker, but in World War
One, he got gassed, and after that, he
couldn't play the sax anymore—his lungs
were gone—so he took up fiddle, guitar
and piano. I used to think his guitar lived
on top of the piano. In fact, it was alway:

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PLAYBOY

its case, and when he knew I was coming
over, he would for some reason take it out,
polish it up, display it. Never pushed it
me. He never said, “You should do thi
He would just leave it there as a sort of
icon, just resting against the wall, on top of
the piano.
PLAYBOY:

Gus survived having seven

women in the house, enough to drive any
guy balmy. The only way around that is а
sense of humor, which he had in abun-
dance. Нез been dead a long time now,
Gus, fifteen or twenty years, but I still sit
here realizing things that he did.

First off, he'd feed me, then Га just look
at this guitar. He waited years for me to say,
“What is that?" and "Can I7" I guess he
caught me at the point where 1 had to
transfer any interest in music from singing
to playing. He'd say, pleading, “ this
for me," as if 1 were doing him a favor. 1
had just started playing, but he would say,
“Play Malagueña. If you can play that, you
can play anything.” And no mater how
badly I played it, he would sit back in his
chair, keep his eyes closed and nod. I
mean, it must һауе been just appalling But
every time, he would say, “ОК, OK!” and
pretend he liked the way I played it. It was
like, “Wow, I'm turning my granddad on.”
Which is an amazing way of teaching.

He would take me around London; we'd
be in Charing Cross Road in the back of
Туог Marantz’ gu store. I used to sit for
hours and hours, with the glue boiling and
bubbling away, and they're patching gui-
tars, fixing fiddles; Pm smelling the var-
nish; its like Santa's workshop. These guys
would take a mashed-up old violin apart,
and you'd watch it come alive again in
front of your eyes. For me, at the time, it
was like some alchemist’ laboratory.

Atthe same time, once I started learning
guitar, Г began attending art school, sec-
ond year. The atmosphere there was very
free. You'd walk into the john to take a pee
and there'd be three guys sitting around
playing а guitar, doing Woody Guthrie and
Ramblin’ Jack Elliott stuff. I was getting in-
to the blues—Big Bill Broonzy, Jesse
Fuller—by hearing these guys play.
PLAYBOY: Then you met Mick aga
RICHARDS: Right. In a town like Dartford,
if anybody's headed for London or any
stop in between, then in Dartford station,
you're bound to meet. The thing about
Mick and my meeting was that he was car-
Tying two albums with him—Rockin’ at the
Hops, by Chuck Berry, and The Best of
Muddy Waters. 1 had only heard about
Muddy up to that point.

So were on the n and I say, “Man, 1
know all Chuck Berry's licks.” Mick says,
“You play guitar?” He had a little youth-
club band, doing Buddy Holly and Eddie
Cochran stuff. He was very heavily into
blues, already had his connection—you
couldn't get that music in England. The
guy he would write to was Marshall Chess
at 2120 South Michigan Avenue іп

Chicago, ‘cause Marshall filled Chess
Records international orders.

PLAYBOY: The man who would later be-
come the first head of Rolling Stones
Records.

RICHARDS: Yeah. Very soon after Mick and
I met, there wasan ad in the music papers:
England's first rhythm-and-blues club was
opening up. But it was in Faling, in West.
London. H I ever got away from Dartford,
it was just to ride my bike to go to Sidcup,
or to go to my granddad's in London for a
few days. Mick came from a better part of
town than I did, a fairly swanky area, a
house all by itself with a garage. Mick's
dad, Joe, was very well respected, used to
go to America to referee basketball games,
quite a big wheel in physical education.
Mick had a far broader earlier education. 1
was workin’ class and meeting Mick's
friends and the chicks he knew was like,
“Wow, I'm really movin’ up in society.”

When the Ealing club opened, Mick ac-
tually managed to borrow his dad's car. It
was my first trip into the big town just to
have some fun. It was a revelation because
it was a small joint and the band was cook-
ing—it was Alexis Korner's Blues Incorpo-
rated, with Jack Bruce on bass, Charles
Watts on drums, Alexis on guitar, Cyril
Davies on harmonica. Long John Baldry
was there, also Ian Stewart, and Brian
Jones played some Elmore James shit that
was sheerly electrifying, absolutely amaz-
ing. I was hooked from that minute on.

T was already hooked on the music, hut
this was like a musicians’ club; suddenly, I
was in the union without a card. Alexis and
I talked, and the next week, he invited
Mick and me to come up and play. Even
though it was a total dump, ankle deep in
water under a subway station, it became
the hip place, the debutante slumming
joint. АШ these chicks, Lady So-and-So—
you got a quick education on what a lady.
was.

PLAYBOY: You eventually left art school,
right?

RICHARDS: Yeah, and I can understand
what a disappointment I must have been to
my dad. He spent his life in a goddamn
warehouse, getting up at four-thirty in the
morning to go all the way to Кола АТ,
get back at seven at night, working day іп
and day out until retirement. According to
him, І should have gone through that, too.
This is what 1 was workin’ my butt off for,
he must've thought, this creep in гос
roll luminous socks at the top of the stairs,
bashing away ata guitar when he should be
doing his homework? My old dad was gon-
na put me through the wall. I made a few
phony auempıs at getting a job as a teaboy
in an advertising agency, then I took the
casy route—I got out.

I knew what 1 wanted to do: get this
band together. I knew that I wasn't taking
the obvious route if 1 wanted to impress
my parents, to make something of myself.
Instead, I was becoming this yery unlikely
sort of missionary for a new kind of music.

"Thats what Jimmy Reed, Chuck Berry,
Muddy Waters and Howlin’ Wolf did to me.
Elvis, Buddy, Eddie Cochran, Jerry Lee
[Lewis], Little Richard, Во Diddley—its
what all those cats did to me.

Now Brian [Jones], who was a little older
than me, moved up to London with his
chick and his baby He got this pad in
Howard Square, very decrepit place,
mushrooms and fungus growin’ out of the
walls. Mick went round to see Brian one
night. Brian wasn't there, but his old lady
was. Mick was drunk and he screwed her.
This caused а whole trauma with Brian,
butit really put him and Mick very tight to-
gether; they went through a whole emo-
tional scene and became very close.

The chick split, Brian found an apart-
ment out in the suburbs of Вескепі
and I started to live there, too. This was an
intense learning period, figuring out Jim-
my Reed and stuff. You have to remember,
at this time—6l, '69— Elvis is just out of
the Army, Buddy and Eddie are dead,
Chuck's in jail. Jerry Lee is disgraced and
Little Richard has thrown his rings in the
water. But to us in England, this thing
made our world go into full Technicolor,
CinemaScope, where before, it was a drab
existence, scraping by Even though the
first wind had gone out of rock and roll, we
were not about to let this motherfucker go.

Im only eighteen, and already people
aint hearin’ this music anymore, and it had
lit my life up! Now, one way or another, Гуе
got to keep the flame alive, just for myself,
very selfish. I didn’t expect anybody clse to
get lit up by it. We thought, Sure, we'd love
to make records, but we were not in that
league. We wanted to sell records for Jim-

Muddy, John Lee Hooker. We
iples—if we could turn people on
to that, then that was enough. That was the
total original aim.

PLAYBOY: You had no thought of attaining
rock-and-roll stardom?

RICHARDS: If you wanted (hal in England,
you had to go the ballroom route, where
you came under the influence of the big
promoters, the strong-arm boys. Which
meant that you played three or four ball-
rooms a night, forty-five minutes on stage,
get off, jump into Ше car, you're driven to
another one, back to the other one for the
second show, and you wear these shitty lit-
tle suits that they advance you money on
and charge you for later, plus wear and
tear, and if you dont make the they
break your fucking leg. [Heavy accent] “Ве-
cause Moe is not going to stand for any
fookin’ nonsense, my boy, I'm telling you.
This is Lou, this is me bruvver Johnny;
don't ask this bloke's name.”

So the only way out of that was to go into
the other zone, which in England happens
to be the students—who are not gonna go
to ballrooms. It’s a class thing; university
and art school kids don't go to a ballroom,
where there are all these chicks with bee-
hives and tight miniskirts and guys look-
ing for a fight. But at the same time,
something else was goin’ on. Suddenly, the

kids from the ballrooms were coming 10
these R&B joints.

For the best part of a year, we had been
putting the Stones together, not. playing
any gigs but rehearsing. By now, we were
living together, Brian, Mick and me, in this
flat in Edith Grove with this cat Phelge,
who's worth a brief mention 'cause he was
as horrifyingly disgusting as Brian and
myself at the time. It was the most incredi-
ble scene: Mick was going through his first
camp period. He would wander round in
a blue-linen housecoat, wavin' his hands
everywhere—Ihigh-pitched voice] “Oh!
Don't!” А real King's Road queen for about
six months, and Brian and I used to take
the piss out of him, While Mick was on that
Kick, this guy Phelge was going through
his phase, being the most disgusting per-
son ever. You would walk into this pad, and
he would be standing at the top of the
stairs, completely nude except for his un-
derpants, which would be filthy, on top of
his head, and he'd be spitting at you. It
wasn'ta thing to get mad about; you'd just.
collapse laughing. Covered in spit, you'd
collapse laughing.

And this pad is getting so screwed up—
for, like, six months, we used the kitchen to
play in, just rehearse in, because it was
cold, and slowly, the place got filthy and
started to smell, so we bolted the doors and
the kitchen was condemned.

At that time, I was into making tapes. 1
had a tape recorder with a microphone
wired through the window in the cistern of
the bog [toilet]. The tape recorder was at
the foot of the bed. I had reels and reels of
tapes of people goin’ to the bog. Chains be-
ing pulled. On cheap tape recorders, if you
record the flushing of a john, it sounds like
people акени

from downstairs: "And now, folks, Miss
Judy What's-Her-Name.” Every time some-
body would go into the bog, ГА swi
tape recorder on and go round to the bog
door and knock, and they'd say, "Wait a
minute,” and you'd get these conversations
going through the door, followed at the
end by applause. That’s the sort of thing we
were into. Real down-home.

Anyway, Brian was ju
enough—he had a job in a record store,
after being fired from the electrical de-
partment of Whitely’s for stealin’ cash out
of the till—to keep from being chucked
out of this place. It was winter, the worst
winter ever. It was down to taping our
pants up, Seotch tape across the rips.

Then the Beatles’ first record comes out.
"They've got harmonica. We'd heard the
did Chuck Berry songs—but we were real
ly brought down; it was the beginning of
Beatlemania. Then, suddenly, everybody's
lookin round for new groups, more and
more groups are being signed, and Alexis
Korner getsa recording contract. He's got-
ten so big he splits from this club gig, and

about making

who gets his spot? None other than . . . the
Rolling Stones. Now we start makin’ just
about enough bread to stay alive. And
we're gettin’ this place raving. And there
was another place, called Eel Pie Island,
down on the Thames, we used to play reg-
ularly Its really jumpin’ at these places.
PLAYBOY: "The publicity attracted. Andrew
Oldham, your first record producer. He
thought your guitars should be plugged in-
to the wall sockets, didn't he?

RICHARDS: Andrew was very young, even
younger than we were. He had nobody on
his books, but he was an incredible bull-
shitter, fantastic hustler, and he had also
worked on the early Beatles publicity. Hed
gol together those very moody pictures of
the Beatles that sold them in the first place,
so he did have people interested in what he
was doing. He came along with this other
cat he was in partnership with, Eric Eas-
ton, who was much older, used to be an or-
gan player in that dying era of vaudeville
after the war, in the Fifties, when the music
hall ground to a halt as a means of popular
entertainment. He wasn't making a lot of
bread, but people in real showbiz sort of
respected him. He һай contacts—
chick singer who'd had a couple of top-
twenty records; he wasn't completely out of
it—and he knew a lot about the rest of
England, which we knew nothing about;
he knew every hall.

They said they had a Decca contract for
us. But we had cut a few tracks at LD.C.
Studios, where Stu's friend Glyn Johns was
working as an engineer, and had signed a
recording contract with 1.B.C. They had
no outlet and they couldn't get any record
company interested in them. Our LB.
contract, though it was nothing, was still a
binding contract, so Brian pulled another
one of his fantastic get-out schemes.
PLAYBOY: Meaning what?

RICHARDS: Before this cat at 1.В.С. could
hear that we were signing with Decca, Bri-
ап went to see him with a hundred quid
[pounds] that Andrew and Eric had given
him and said, "Look, we're not interested,
we're breaking up as a band, we're not go-
ing to play anymore; but in case we get
something together in the future, we don't
want to be tied down by this contract, so
can we buy ourselves out of it for a hun-
dred pounds?" After hearing this story,
which he obviously believed, this old
Scrooge took the hundred quid. The next
day, he heard that we had a contract wi
Decca, that we were gonna be making ош
first single, that we were London's answer
to the Beatles, folks.

PLAYBOY: That was also when Oldham de-
cided that there should be only five Rolling
Stones.

RICHARDS: [hat was when Brian started to
realize things had gone beyond his control
Before this, everybody knew that Brian
considered it to be Ais band. Now Andrew
Oldham saw Mick as a big sex symbol and

wanted to kick Stu out, but we wouldn't
have it. Eventually, because Brian had
known him longer than we, and the band
was Brians idea in the first place, Brian
had to tell Stu how we'd signed with these
people, how they were very image con-
scious and how he didn't fit in. If Pd been
Stu, Га have said, "Fuck it. Fuck you.” But
he stayed on to be our roadie, which 1
think is incredible, so bighearted. Because
by now, we were star-struck, every one of
us. The Beatles had been to sec us play and
we'd been to see them at the Albert Hall,
and we'd seen all the screaming chicks, the
birds down in front, and couldnt wait to
hear them scream for u
PLAYBOY: You then went on the Stones’ first.
big English tour.

RICHARDS: With Little Richard, Bo Diddley
and the Evcrly Brothers. This was our first.
contact with the cats whose music we'd
been playing. Hearing Little Richard and
Bo Diddley and the Everly Brothers every
night was the way we'd been drawn into
the whole pop thing. We didn't feel we
were selling out, because we were learning
a lot by going into this side of the scene—
where audiences sat and listened and
watched, instead of just dancing to it. That
was when Mick really started coming into.
hisown.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you bop Brian one during
this tour?

RICHARDS: Yeah. One night in my dressing.
room, the stage manager sticks his head in
the door and yells, “You're on!" So мете
picking up guitars and heading for the
stage, and as we're walking downstairs,
Brian passes me and I say, “You cunt, you
et me chicken!" and I Борре him in the
eye. We went on stage, and as we're play-
тїз eye starts to swell and change
Inthe next few days, it turned every
color of the rainbow—red, purple, blue,
green, yellow.

PLAYBOY: And shortly after that tour, you
experienced your first early-Sixties pop
hysteria.

RICHARDS: Yeah. Not Fade Away came out,
and it was just like the Beatles again—
Stonemania, incredible scenes every night.
Ме would never finish a gig. It was impos-
sible; the chicks would swarm on stage
with the first two numbers. The kids
forced you to stop playing these places,
ballrooms and clubs, because the chicks
were going crazy. The minute you walked
on stage, they'd be ripping you to pieces.
You took your life in your hands just to
walk out there. I was strangled twice. 1
used to wear a chain, and the chain would
get crossed, one chick pulling that end and.
one the other, They could Kill you in а sec-
ond—Id rather be in a fight any day.
PLAYBOY: And within a few months of your
album's release, the Stones made their first
visit to the United States.

RICHARDS: We thought, This is the payoff-
We got to fly to America. Just to get there!
To cats like Charlie and me, America was

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PLAYBOY

fairyland. Nobody in our lives had a way of
gettin’ there, even once, just for a visit! For-
get it, no way. 10 be paid to go there and
play to Americans, we were shitting our-
selves!

PLAYBOY: Did the tour sell out?

RICHARDS: Uh, по. In Omaha, І remember
about six hundred people in a fifteen-
thousand-seat au
PLAYBOY: That was where you had trouble
backstage over illegal alcohol.

of Scotch and
Coke, if anybody can remember back that
far. A couple of the Stones, І dunno who,
were drinking whisky and Coke, and I was
drinking just Coke. A cop looked in the
dressing room, saw the whisky bottle and
told them to pour their drinks down the
bog. I refused to pour mine down. I said,
"Why the fuck is an American cop telling
me to pour the national drink down the
bog?" Cop pulled a gun on me. Very
strange scene to me, a cop ordering me at
gunpoint to pour a Coke down the john
PLAYBOY: You had trouble in the Midw
but you did very well on both coasts, didn't
you?

RICHARDS: In the middle of the country.
forget it. The second tour. even the next
year, early 65, we were still playing to emp-
ty places. After Satisfaction, the arenas
filled up, but those empty towns, that’s
where you learn your craft—how to put on
a show when there's a hundred people ina
place that seats five thousand. You play to
those few and the joints rocking, and ev-
erybody has torgotten about all these emp-
ty seats, this vast cavern that we can see as
we're looking at this wedding party down
front. You manage to create this whole new
environment.

PLAYBOY: In a sense, Satisfaction and the
Jagger- that followed created
your аш
RICHARDS: Thats where Andrew Oldham
came back imo the picture, After the first
album, Andrew said, “We've got to find
somebody to write songs and then lock
them up and keep them to ourselves or
else whaddaya gonna do? Just some more
cover versions? You can do it for another
album or two, but without a source of new
material, you cant make it." I said, "Thats
not my job."

So what he did was lock us up in the
kitchen fora night and say, “Don’t come out
without a song.” We sat around and came
up with As Tears Go By. lt was unlike most
Rolling Stones material, but thats what
happens when you write songs; you imme-
diately Ну to some other realm. The we
thing is that Andrew found Mari
Faithfull at the same time, bunged it to her
and it was a fucking hit for her—we were
songwi
that year to d;
Stones.
PLAYBOY: Then, one night, a song, or part
of a song, woke you up. Where were you?
RICHARDS: Tò the best of my recollection,
the London Hilton. I dreamt this riff—I
don't do that very often—and that was the

аге to write anything for the

ters already! But it took the rest of

first time it had happened to me. I had my
guitar next to the bed and the first Philips
cassette recorder, and 1 just woke up,
ed up the guitar and .. . “I can't get

- satisfaction. І cant get no
satisfaction. . . . [snores]

The only way 1 found it again was, the
next morning, 1 checked out my gear, and
the tape was at the wrong end; it had
played all the way through. How had that
happened? Had somebody come in during
the night—Mick or one of the boys—and

id, “Fuck you, Keith Richards, piece of
shit"? I rewound to find out what had hap-
pened, and there was thirty seconds of
Satisfaction—and sixty minutes of me
snoring.

PLAYBOY: As the string of Stones hits
lengthened in the Sixties, some people,
such as Brian Jones, were getting bent out
of shape, weren't they?

RICHARDS: Brian was a weird kind of guy.
He was a manipulator of the first order. He
had to create a schism. He needed some
sort of conspiracy—he and Mick against
me—which is fine; when you have plenty
of time, you can deal with it. But on the
road, when everybody's working, tryin’ to
make the next gig, like three hundred and
forty-odd gigsa year for four or five years,
you don't have the patience to take it. Also,
1 realized that / was becoming very much
like Brian—Mick and I were being merci-
less on him. The harder the work got, the
more awkward Brian got, and the more
fucked-up he would get himself when he.
didn't get his way, until we would be work-
three weeks in the Midwest with one
guitar player; namely, me. That was when 1
lear
about, You can't cover what you w
the Stones with one guitar.
PLAYBOY: Don't you think Brian had a feel-
ing of insecurity once you and Mick start-
ed to write together?

RICHARDS: That was the first. . . alienation.
Brian and I were at odds from, oh, '65
through '66. At the time, Brian was in bad
shape, far away from the rest of the band.
Не was a suitable case for treatment. Не
needed to be in a fucking hospital. Не
needed help. Then he turned up with Ani-
ta. I still have to check myself as to whether
1 decided to become friends again with
Brian because of her. Did I do that? Fm
bein’ honest, I'm trying to figure it ош-І
think it's fifty-fifty. Because as fascinating
as Anita was, she scared the pants off me.
She knew everything, and she could say it
in five languages

We—Mick, Bri: me, some oth-
ers—we're all in M. h. Just about ev-
erybody' dropping acid. The air is getting
thick. Brian tried to beat Anita up and
broke his ribs in the process. That shows.
you how tough Anita is. It’s like The Sheik
of Araby. Anita and 1 then split in the
camouflaged Bentley in the middle of the
night and make a dash for Tangier. . . .
PLAYBOY: And Brian, left behind, attempt-
ed suicide.

RICHARDS: [Pause] Mmm. 1 made friends

again with Brian and then stole his old la-
dy. So 1 really screwed it up.

PLAYBOY: After that, Brian was never really
healthy again. He destroyed hisown physi-

he psychedelic era sucked Bri-
an right in. Without realizing it, he passed
it on to Jimi [Hendrix]. The embrace of
death.

PLAYBOY: Brianis death was one of a num-
ber of things that could have destroyed the

Brian was already effectively
dead when he died; he was already ош of
the band. A few weeks before, Mick and 1
went down to sce Brian and say, “Look,
this is not going to work. We're gettin’ Beg-
gars Banquet together and you ain't there
and you're not in the band really. You're
better off followin’ your own nose.” What
we were trying to say was a difficult thing.
After all, Brian was the one who kicked
Stu out of the band. In a way, it was like the
script started to take shape after that.
PLAYBOY: After the low point of Brian's
death, the Stones kept sliding until they hit
an even lower point: Altamont. That con-
cert ended an era. A young black man
brandishing a gun was killed by Hells An-
gels in front of the stage as Mick sang Un-
der My Thumb. Why were the Angels there
in the first place?

RICHARDS: We had wanted to do this free
concert in San Francisco, in the spirit of
the times. We left it all to the Grateful
Dead. We just said, “You cats do free con-
certs in this town all the goddamn time;
how's it done?" But there is no blame at-
tached to anybody, including the Angels.
"The guy who got knocked off, in a way, he
asked for it.

PLAYBOY: He may have done a dumb thing
when he pulled a gun on the Angels, but
then again, didn't you ask for it also by get-
ting tough with them?

RICHARDS: | asked for it by opening my
goddamn trap. Its amazing, in retrospect,
that it wasnt far worse. Г ain't very pru-
dent. I jeopardized everybody there at Al-
tamont, but it was something that had tobe
said or all control would have been los
Mick was sort of begging, “Please, please.
Td seen the way things were goin, pointed
to a Hell's Angel and said, "That guy
there, make him stop.” I knew the retribu-
tion of the Hell's Angels would have been
immediate—some motherfucker would
have just turned around and shot me. My
thoughts went out the window. Actually, I
dont give a shit about a few guys who ride
avidsons. Why should I? I'm a
guitar player.

PLAYBOY: What about the cops?

he cops had disappeare
didn’t wanna know shit. There were too
many people and they weren't prepared
for it. As far as they were concerned, one
kid got born there, one died there, so there
was the same amount of people who came
ош ав went in. They said, “Well, we look at
(continued on page 114)

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College Women
talk about
Campus Sex

article
By JANET LEVER

university of wisconsin coeds dish
the dirt on sex, dating,
aids and attitudes

campuses nearly 25 years ago. We decided to return to the front

and see what effect, if any, the new, more conservative climate has
had on. campus sex. With risks far greater than “Will you respect me
in the morning?” is there such а thing as hot and healthy sex? This time, ше
decided to go directly to the students. No surveys, no statis
charts or graphs—just real, live people full of contradictions, experiences
and attitudes.

To find a suitable cross section of small-towners and urbanites, we headed
for the heartland and a public school thal attracts students from all over the
country, along with the local crop. We selected the University of Wisconsin's
idyllic lake-front campus in Madison because it is as renowned for the qual-
ity of its education as it is for the quality of its parties.

“Can you talk about sex? Playboy wants to know how undergrads feel
about sex on campus.” Thats how our ad began in the Daily Cardinal, a
student newspaper: It specified that we were interested in all points of view.
We hired a campus coordinator io screen via telephone those who responded
to ensure inclusion of sophomores, juniors and seniors, sorority members
and independents, apartment and dorm dwellers, urbanites and small-
towners and the gamut of family backgrounds. We asked about their reac~
lions to the sexual scene around them so that we could bring you the
beginners and the traditionalists, as well as the warriors, from the sexual
frontier

Опа Friday night in a large hotel suite overlooking the state capitol, six
attractive young women arrived and weve greeted by the panel moderator,
sociologist Dr. Janet Lever, and Playboy Associate Editor Barbara Nellis.
The only other person. in the room was a woman sound engineer. It was а
girls’ night, from start to finish.

The women included the following:

Gail, 21, a senior from a Chicago suburb. Smart, sassy and cute, with
dark curly hair. Independent and self-supporting, she lives in an apart-
ment. She has opted for a temporary commitment to a “nice guy" to escape
the meat market; her fear of AIDS helps sustain an “easygoing” relationship
in which sex is satisfying though not exciting.

Lynn, 19, а sophomore from a town in Minnesota, Quiet and tall, with

T HE FIERCEST BATTLES in (he sexual revolution were waged on college

па

ILLUSTRATION BY GUY BILLOUT

PLAYBOY

straight blonde hair and a Lutheran up-
bringing In a celibate holding patlern
while she lets one guy chase her until she
catches him. She'd like hum to pick up the
pace.

Emily, 19, a sophomore from a small
town of 12,000 in northern Illinois, now
living in a co-op. Her bright-yellow blouse
suited her sexually aggressive style. Admit-
tedly hardened and self-protective, she be-
lieves she uses men before they can use her.

Debbie, 19, a sophomore from Wisconsin.
A latterday flower child. Warm, adventur-
ous, sexually experimental. Dressed in jeans
and а T-shirt, with no make-up. Shes т an
open relationship with a smooth Romeo
who, she knows, sleeps with just one other
woman . . . or so she thinks.

Nicki, 20, a junior from a suburb of
Minneapolis, a sorority sister who lives off
campus іт an apartment with four other
women. Blonde, dressed in a smart black
jacket, self-described as “mad as hell and
nol going lo take it anymore.” Feeling used
and powerless, she is on sabbatical from sex
until she can figure out how to be more self-
protective.

Carolyn, 20, а junior from another
Chicago suburb, a roommate of Nicki's but
а member of a rival sorority, Classically
beautiful and an economics major, Carolyn
is bewildered by a social system she finds de-
grading to women. She is stuck on a guy
who, she says, mistreats hey. Vulnerable, an
"accident waiting to happen"; as you will
see, there are lots of Carolyns on campus.

PLAYBOY: Are you іп a relationship now?
CAROLYN: Right now, I am dating some-
one. He was dating this other girl while I
was dating him, and he was lying about
it. I'm, like, this most naive girl. I just to-
tally believe it when he says, "Irust me
this time. Everything is going to be dif-
ferent.” If something bad happens, l'Il be
seriously devastated.

NI don't even know how to describe.
my current situation. 1 went out with a
guy for about three and a half years,
and off. That started out in high school.
He just didn't give me the time of day and
I put up with that for a long time. When
we weren't going out, I'd go for the exacı
same type of guy. This year, I've been
meeting guys and they'll call and that's
the last ГИ hear of them. There's three
guys who have called me, twice each, but
they never ask me to do anything:

сли: Гуе been seeing someone for about
хісеп months. I met him shooting a
game of pool and the rest is history.

GAIL: Let him win? He wh pped my butt
two games in a row, Anyway, I broke up
1 i—well, in words, not action—at
ning of the school year because
he couldnt understand my having friends
who were guys. He's finally getting to

(continued on page 88)

The Playboy Advisor
Goes (Back) to College

By James R. Petersen

ода)
Amt
ca, it is

still easier to
have sex than it
is to talk about
sex. I write an
advice column
for people who
have nowhere
else to turn.
You can't go to
your dad and
ask, ‘Dad, does:
Mom get on
top? You cant
go to your mom
and say, 'Mom,
do you swal
low? You do
that and they'll
send vou to a
school like this. AIDS was the best
thing that ever happened to sex
education. Nowadays, the comver-
sation we have about sex has been
reduced to just three words. ‘Just say
no. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
would get on TV and say, ‘Just say no!
Easy for him. He's been saying yes for
fifty-some-odd years. Do you think
those sideburns chafe his wife's
thighs? The problem is, what do you
do when you want to say yes

The Playboy Advisors Traveling
Road Show is off and runni
stand-up sex therapy for a
the past five years, | have spoken at
more than 150 colleges, almost always
at the request of students. Adm
trations are not always delighted.
Some allow the dates to proceed but
will not allow studens to рш up
posters announcing a lecture on sex
Other colleges think the lecture
should be heard by all, even those who
cannot hear.

The University of Pittsburgh hired
two interpreters for the deaf to sign
the lecture. It is something the college
does as a matter of poli
indication that the roomful of college
students intent оп learning secret Ori-
ental sex techniques from the Playboy
Advisor are hearing impaired.

The interpreters had asked for an
outline of the lecture and had figured
out most of the words. I talk about
blow jobs and jerking off; their hands
move, knitting without needles. I feel

like Gladys

iS ү Knight and the

Pips.

Conducting a
one-man sex
lecture is а
cross between
being а Ror-
schach ink blot
and the mod-
ern equivalent
of the Dow
Chemical re-
cruiter. Stu-
dents tell me
stories. My ap-
pearance pro-
vides a chance
for the campus
to decide what
it thinks about
sex. And today,
sex is an issue of political, religi
and medical significance in a way that
is unprecedented. Аза veteran of the
sexual revolution, I ат unapolo-
getically pro-sex. I try to describe it
without the baggage of adjectives like
premarital, marital, sacred or pro-
fane, moral or immoral,

When I started lecturing, | was
struck by how conservative and career
oriented the students appeared to Бе
‘Two students in three-piece suits took
me out drinking. They struck me as
larval Yuppies, or Michael |. Fox
clones. What kind of man, I won-
dered, would go to a sex lecture in a
three-piece suit? I asked if they ever
had fun.

One student opened his vest, undid
his tie and unbuttoned his shirt to re-
veal a mermaid drawn on his skin
with a [el-tip pen, a souvenir of the
previous weekend. “She was an art
student from another college. 1 read
her the Dear Playmates column on
how to kiss. The way she reacted to
the first answer, I knew I was in for a
good time. She rubbed ice cubes on
my neck. She drew tattoos all over my
body, in what appears to be indelible
ink. Do you think 1 should see her
again?"

College is where appearance and
passion duke it out.

At Ithaca College, I met a student
who would have fit right into the Six-
Чез. He (continued on page 138)

"That's funny, my grandpa was always raving about sex т the bach seat.”

[| || Grown

teen throb kirk cameron's co-star
started out in playboy. today,
as the romantic lead on tv's growing pains,
she’s a new sensation

“THE MOST ENVIED GIRL IN AMERICA"—

that’s what the tabloids call Julie Mc-
Cullough, 24, who plays teen idol Kirk
Cameron's heartthrob on the hit sitcom
Grouing Pains. Julie joined the show а
few months ago, cast as the Seaver fam-
ilys nanny Her gold Вай; hazel eyes
and gamine grin—plus the way she
kept bending sexily near Mike Seaver,
Cameroris hormone-crazed charac-
ter—made such an impression, she was
quickly signed up as a regular. "We just
seemed to have that chemistry" said
Kirk. The season ended this past
spring with a cliff-hanger episode in

On ABC's hit sitcom Growing Pains, Julie plays nanny to teen icon Kirk
5 in Cameron's Mike Seaver. Mike, all boy, is feeling the first pangs of
which he proposed marriage to Julie. young lust. Julie, all girl, plays hard to get. At least till the next episode.
To legions of jealous Kirkomaniacs,

she said, “Don't hate me. I'm only acting!” Hate Julie? Naah. “1 wish I could be that girlfriend on Growing Pains,” one Kirk fan told
Good Morning, America, "but as long as пез happy. . . ." Julie first made Playboy fans happy in February 1985, appearing as "the
pride and joy of Allen, Texas,” in The Gurls of Texas. She rode a rising star on our cover that month. As Miss February 1986, laugh-
ing at the thought of Julie as beauty, she said, “I have little eyes, a mouth full of teeth and ears that [ call elf ears.” Her Playmate
Data Sheet mentions a single ambition: to be an “actress—because you can be anything you want to be—or at least ‘act’ like it.” Her
Playboy springboard led to Star Search, which led to a guest shot as Tony Danza fantasy girl on Who’ the Boss? and
a movie debut in the bullets-and-bosoms classic Big Bad Mama II. There was also a romance with
TV's Scott Baio, who played Chachi on the old Happy Days series —Julie is the answer to the trivia
question; "Who helped teach the facts of life to two of the tube's most eligible hunklets?"—and a
couple of controversies. One in-
volved a Texas preacher who, decry-
ing sin, sex and Playboy, said in all
seriousness, “The easiest thing to do
is jump on Julie." Another rocked
the sleepy town of Wilmington,
North Carolina, where Julie was

ти Yat e за War а Yun тз sene)

stripped of her crown as queen of
last springs Azalea Festival. A few
Wilmington bluenoses waved her
centerfold at fest officials, who
promptly caved in to the Stop Julie
brigade. "I was very upset and

Julie was our Lone-Star State cover girl in February 1985 (above left). Her rising
star led to another cover in September 1986 and then to her current role opposite
Cameron (top left), whose female fans are a jealous lot. Julie tells Kirkomaniacs
she’s just an actress playing a part but admits that her co-star is “so cute.”

hurt," she said. She soon got over the
snub. The first lady of Growing Pains
has her hands full with Kirk and Іше
room left for azaleas. A frequent guest
at Playboy Mansion West, Julie keeps in
touch with her Playboy roots. She once
shared a Los Angeles apartment with
Miss August 1986, Ava Fabian, and
Miss May 1987, Kym Paige. Getting on
their guest list was the dream of South-
ern California’s male population. Julie
even makes an appearance on the new
Playboy pinball machine, as an all-
American blonde seated poolside.
When fundamentalists and floral-fest
organizers scold her for going all natu-
ral in a famous mens magazine, she
stands her ground. "I have nothing
against sex,” she told our readers. Puri-
tans cringed; Playboy readers cheered.
Julie knew even then that a girl can be
wholesome and sexy at the same time.
Not to mention intelligent and charm-
ing—which is how Kirk Cameron de-
scribes the Julie of Growing Pains.

Born in Honolulu, Julie was “a
military brat" who has li
Hawaii, Louisiana, West
North Carolina, Florida, Missouri,
Texas and California and now has
fans in the 42 other states as well.

Sexy, wholesome and newly secure (after signing on for a four-episode
stint, she was quickly made a Growing Pains regular), Julie has begun
to enjoy some of the perks of stardom. She will dare the high wire
on Circus of the Stars. Meanwhile, every Wednesday night, she tempts
Kirk Cameron's hormones, while millions of his fans writhe in teen envy.

fiction

By A. M. WELLMAN
Potomac State College
Keyser, West Virginia

TER ЫШ ЖЕ
MADISON HEIGHTS

SYNDROME

on the 36th day of captivity,
the beer ran out—and then we had
to come up with a plan
LJ

THERE'S THIS ТАРЕ Í have that I watch from the 11-o'clock news,
Bernie Smilovitz doing the sports, talking about the Tigers
down at the stadium tonight taking on the White Sox. “We have
highlights," he begins, and there's Cliff Spab standing on the
pitcher's mound, about to toss out the first ball to Mike Heath,
standing by the backstop. "Now watch this," Bernie saysasall of
a sudden Spab takes off for center field, the camera catching.
him from behind as he runs with that ball, focusing on the
sra 15 on his back, а real jersey the Tigers made for him, and
when he gets out in center field, he rears back and flings that
ball, just pegs that motherfucker into the upper-deck bleachers.

The crowd goes nuts. I remember walking back to the
infield, across Ше grecuest grass in the ийошшу arca, and it
felt good. Watching it makes me feel good.

But I'm not in Tiger Stadium now, I'm іп Colwood, Michi-
gan, living in the R Street Theater. It's a pretty cool building.
They don't show movies here anymore, though the place is in-
tact. The seats are still all here, facinga big blank white screen.

My room is on the second floor, above the lobby, across the
hall from the projection booth. The owner, Streeter, promises
to show me how to run the projector someday. He thinks he has
some old stag movies, smokers, sitting around somewhere.

The window іп my room overlooks the theater marquee. At
night, I turn on the blank sign from a nearby switch and lie
down and watch the lights move across the ceiling.

1 don't leave the building, Streeter brings me food. The other
day, he brought me a newspaper. The Detroit Free Press. Head-
line, page 1A: “CLIFF sess STILL MISSING.” I barely glance at it be-
fore going to the sports. As I do, I look up at the old man and
hes grinningat me. “What the fuck,” I mutter. “I ain't missing,
I'm right here.”

I don't know whats going on anymore. There's nothing
wrong with that. That was cool once, back when my life was
simple. Working at the Oakland Mall Burger King, I spent my
days waking up, punching in, sloping up, punching ош. I

PLAYBOY $
COLLEGE FICTION
CONTEST WINNER

ILLUSTRATION BY THOMAS THRUN

didn't give a shit, and on a job like that,
that's the only way to go.

Тһеп came the weekend and me and
my buddy (ое Dice would go out cruising
the northeast suburbs of Detroit in my
green ‘73 El Camino. We'd be out there,
driving around, picking up chicks,
cranking up the radio, laughing our ass-
es off.

Working and cruising. Like I said,
things were simple.

And that’s what we were doing, Joe

and I, the night of the now-famous
hostage crisis in Madison Heights, Michi-
gan. Friday night, the two of us punched
‘out at the Home of the Whopper and hit
the streets. Two Ам. or so, we figured on
getting some beer and heading home, so
we stopped in that 7-Eleven on John R
between 13 and 14 Mile.

Inside, they got us. Stuck guns to our
heads, handcuffed us. It would be 36
days before I left that goddamn store.

I know Streeter's daughter, that's how I
know Streeter. Stacy Streeter. Nice chick,
good-looking, she's got a decent apart-
ment, makes some decent money; she's a
few years older than me, no big deal.

Let's just say we met at a party.

Stacy, having seen the whole thing on
TY, knows more about the Madison
Heights hostage crisis than I do, but I
can't get her to believe that. I haven't seen
her since I got out, but I've talked to her
оп the phone.

“What happened in there?" she asks me.

“Nothin!” I say.

ILLUSTRATION CONTEST WINNERS

The groduate students of the School of Visual Arts in New York, under the direc-
tion of award-winning Playboy artist Marshall Arisman, entered their ortwork
in а competition for illustrator of our winning story. The first-place winner is
Thomas Thrun (overleaf). The runners-up (clockwise from top) ore Michael Thi-

bodeau,

Donald Dovid, Kimberly Туба, Kim Drew and Gayle Heglond.

“Bullshit,” she tells me.

Well, what the fuck am I supposed to
tell her? That I drank a lot of beer, ate a
lot of burritos? “What happened in
there?" she asks. I think I went nuts in
there, that's what I think happened, but
Fm not sure.

[]

Now Streeter's bringing me a copy of
Time magazine with my picture on the
cover. Again. Not a photo this time—but
а goddamn painting. "WHERE 15 CLIFF
SPAE?" the cover reads.

I read the artide about America’s
newest folk hero and his cult following; I
read their analysis of the Spab phe-
nomenon. They say I'm “indicative of the
growing dark side of the Pepsi Genera-
tion.” Gee, I can't wait to show this to my
grandkids.

I'm watching TV with Streeter now
and a commercial for Time comes on.
When they flash an 800 number, I dial it.

“Yo,” 1 say. “Cliff Spab here. Tell your
bosses they can have an exclusive inter-
view for one million dollars cash.”

‘The operator hangs up. Streeter snick-
ers at meas I stare at the receiver. I sort
of shrug, hang up, get myself another
beer.

In the 7-Eleven, they had a video cam-
era, these guys with the panty hose on
their heads. Every day or so (though none
of us knew what day it was or even if it
was day or night), they'd come in with
that camera and we'd sit there and say
something. 1 don't know how, but the
cops would get the tape and then they'd
show it on the news.

Eventually, Joe and 1 and Wendy
Pfister, this Hazel Park chick stuck in
there with us, started cutting loose for
the camera. Joe would reel off a couple of
dirty jokes. Wendy might talk about how
wonderful this whole experience was,
how she was finally at peace with herself.
I did lots of weird shit, but the tape that
caught everyones fancy was when I
dared the panty-hose guys to blow my
head off.

I don't know why I did it, I just did.
Look at that tape. There I am in that
now-famous black Doors T-shirt, my left
wrist handcuffed to the metal folding fu-
neral-home chair I'm sitting in, scream-
ing into the camera, "What's the matter,
you chickenshit or something? Come on,
ya fuckin’ pussy, kill me, I fuckin’ dare ya.
Blow my fuckin brains out, come on. You
chickenshit or something?”

That made the evening news, of
course, and when one of the panty-hose
guys hit me, hard, in the mouth and Pm.
spitting blood all over the place, it didn't
hurt my standing in the public eye.

Streeter tells me those black Doors
Tshirts are selling out all around the
country.

(continued on page 144)

“Now, darling, it isn’t nice to moon the Wolf Man!”

PLAYBOY

Tr a
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PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO

This 9%%"-tall sterling-silver-
and-vermeil limited-edition ісе
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turns 180 degrees for low ond
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Move over, Mr. Webster. The
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corrector, pronounces ond de-
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Roger & Gallet af France has
recently introduced Open, a
sophisticated citrus-based line
of toiletries, Prices range from
$10 for а deadorant stick to
$35 for an eau de toilette
spray. Let the games begin!

Make it one order of muscles
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РЕАУВОУ

College Women (continued from page 72)

*'Don't put up with games. Just do what you want to

do. If you want to talk to him, just call him.

ووو

understand that I'm allowed to have guy
friends and hang out with them. So I
guess were "committed" again [gri-
maces].

тухм: I'm not currently seeing anybody,
but I am in hot pursuit.

PLAYBOY: Does he know youre in hot pur-
suit?

LYNN: I think it's kind of mutual, but he's
just moving really slowly.

PLAYBOY: Do you feel funny about calling
him?

LYNN: Well, I dont want to, but then
again, I'm not going to totally stop and
wait, because ГА just lose the momentum
that we're building.

enmity: I have not really been involved
with anybody for a long time. Ir's hard for
me to start now, because I don't know
how to go about having a relationship.
I'm kind of insecure about myself. I'm
backing away but then the other side of
meis saying go for it. At the beginning of
the year, I ruined something that was
getting started at the end of last year. It
was totally my fault. It’s up to me to call
him and let him know I'm sorry.

DEBBIE: Well, I'm with a guy I've been
close friends with for about four years.
Last year, we started getting more inti-
mate with each other. We both are free to
see other people. He's got a girlfriend
right now and I'm not currently seeing
anyone else. We talk about other people
we sleep with, and it's really great that we
can be so open with each other. I just love
it, because I know how this one guy feels;
he's real honest with me. If I’m іп а rela-
tionship where a guy cheats on me—and
I have had those—thar's when I get really
upset. But if seeing others is OK for him,
irs damn well going to be OK for me, too,
as long as that's understood in the begin-
ning.

rLavsoy: Does anyone actually date any
morc?

cait: I don't think I've ever gone on a
date. We always just sort of hung out.
That was и, People ask, “Are you seeing
each other? Are you dating?" Both of us
say, “No, мете just hanging out.”

CAROLYN: I say dating, but I don't mean it.
Nicki: I can't remember the last time I
met somebody who called me, came to
my house and took me to a movie. 1
mean, there's almost zero exclusive time
at the beginning of a relationship.
PLAYBOY: So you “hang ош”; maybe
you're friends, maybe theres more. How
do you let somebody know that you want
romance, that if he comes on to you, he
won't be rebuffed?

міскі: See, you meet each other on a flirty
is. They're obviously attracted to you
and they come up to talk to you, but from
that point on, you don't know what is
right and what is wrong. It’s the biggest
puzzle to figure out. If you do one thing
that in their eyes is not what they want,
you're blown off.

PLAYBOY: Then how do you know if you're
going to see somebody again?

NICKI: You don't. It's just a big game. My
sister advised me, "Dont put up with
games. Just do what you want to do. If
you want to talk to him, just call him."
"That's what I'm trying to do this year.
рілуроу: When you meet a guy, what do.
you look for?

тухм: Intelligence.

PLAYBOY: Looks?

ALL: Yes. Yes.

GAIL: The first thing you notice is his
looks. There are times when you say
“Oh, my God, he's really good-looking,”
but it's so disappointing so much of the
time. He turns out to be dumber than a
rock. 1 went through a stage where І saw
a lot of good-looking, dumber-than-rock
guys, then I met the guy Гуе been going
ош with since. And he's not a Greek god.
Somehow, it didn't really matter, because
it was comfortable and easy.

PLAYBOY: Do you rate bodies?

ALL: Yes.

тенше: My guy has the best kind. He's
kind of short, with nice broad shoulders
and a little, teeny, tiny waist.

PLAYBOY: What about honesty? Debbie, do
you think your boyfriend is being honest
with his other girlfriend?

DEBBIE: | don't know. He's usually not as
open with other girls.

Nicki: Гуе heard and seen every trick in
the book from guys.

PLAYBOY: What kind of tricks?

міскі: I've heard the dumbest lines and
lines that make me want to fall for them.
ГИ give an example. I was at a fraternity
party and there was a girl who was hold-
ing something. This guy says, “Here, let
me go put that up in my room for you.”
She says, “Oh, OK.” He tells her, “Yeah,
ГИ just get it for you at the end of the
night." You know, she's a freshman. It was
her first party. My God. After being here,
you learn about offers like that. This
year, I'm not going to be taken in by guys
who are out to scam for one night.
CAROLYN: Guys say the stupidest things,
like, "Why don't we go to another bar?"
You know, like, leave your friends. That's
50 obvious.

Gait: But it's usually after you meet some-

one who really interests you: He pops the
line and you fall for it.

CAROLYN: Yeah, you get suckered in.
PLAYBOY: Do you know guys who com-
plain about girls who do these same
things?

сли: Absolutely As much as we dont
want to admit it, women do exactly the
same things guys do, in their own way
You can't tell me that none of us has ever
walked into a bar and thought, I really
want to meet a guy tonight. I mean, why
do we go out and put on make-up and
perfume and wear our best clothes and
try to look so cute if we're just going out
to be with our girlfriends?

PLAYBOY: What are you looking for on
that kind of night? To meet somebody
and get to know him better, or are you
looking for someone to sleep with for a
night?
сли: Girls, when they go out and get
dressed up nice, are expecting some-
thing to come of it. I personally do not
want to meet a guy and just sleep with
him and never see him again, but guys
are perfectly happy with that. I've heard
a lot of guys say, "I don't want to pick up a
girl in a bar or meet her at a party when
she's drinking.” They think, God, she'd
bea slut if she came with me. That's their
big test. If you fall into their trap, then
you're ош of the picture.

PLAYBOY: Are you saying that а lot of your
friends do fall for it, though?

ALL: Oh, yes, yes.

cat: I think girls are stupid. Stupid,
stupid. See, we can all sit around this
table and be completely sober, but if you
started us drinking now and in two hours
talked with us after we'd slammed pitch-
ers, like you would in a bar, I bet our atti-
tudes would be different. I drank a lot in
my freshman and sophomore years and I
slept with guys Vd just met. I mean, I
once met a guy in the afternoon, slept
with him that afternoon, didn't even see
him that night, neyer saw him again. He
called mea year later, obviously thinking,
I remember this girl in Madison. She was

a good time.

Сац: Yes, but it's just sick. Of course, it
was my own fault. He was in my room.
He was in my territory. | knew it was go-
ing to happen as well as he did, but 1
didnt do anything to stop it.
PLAYBOY: When you first leave home, how
do you know how to manage your own
social life unless you make mistakes?
Nicki: But do you know how long that
learning process is? 1 swear it's like two
years. It's a hell of a long time to be doing
things that make you feel bad about
yourself. I'm so sick of dealing with
the way guys treat girls. They get off
(continued on page 120)

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КІП

KAREN FOSTER HAS A SUN BELT ІМ SELF-DEFENSE
AND A MAJOR IN COMPUTER SCIENCE

HERES A savinc about the beautiful

women of America that goes, "If they

havent moved to California, they're

sull in Texas” This litle wisdom is
courtesy of Karen Patricia Foster, our Miss
October, who is proof that at least half of the
truism has merit. We had asked Karen what
she would tell a newcomer to Texas, how she
would sell the state. “You don't have to sell any
town in Texas. People here are friendly. We
talk to people.” And she proceeded to talk,
about growing up in Lufkin, a town of about
28.000, two hours from any major city, your
basic blue-jean, cowboy-boot and pickup-
truck kind of town. She graduated in the top
ten in her class (about 500 students, your typi-
cal 5A-football-league school). Some of the
stories sound like those of a typical Southern
upbringing: Karen went to twirling camp,

traveled to twirling competitions with her sis-

ter and mom, collected a roomful of twirling
trophies. “It’s close to rhythmic gymnastics—
it has the elements of dance and acrobatics, plus you've got the baton to worry about. But what it teaches you
is that you just don't become a twirler. You learn to be responsible, to organize your time, to work toward a
goal.” The skills came in handy when she enrolled at the University of Houston—she worked as a cheerlead-
er with the Houston Rockets basketball team. Parts of her childhood seem unique: She grew up riding dirt

Shes a sport, from bats to batons: When Karen moved to the big city, she roomed with her sister and
took up the family trade (her sister was a cheerleader for the Oilers and the Rockets). “The Rockets’
fons are much more loyal than those in high school or college. They are there because they want to be.” 81

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY AND STEPHEN WAYDA

bikes. “It’s а neat family thing,
sort of like taking a hike to-
gether, except you're on motor-
cycles. My brother had one with
training wheels.” She also stud-
ied karate for seven years.
“When I was eight or ninc, 1
was real skinny. In sixth grade,
1 weighed the same as my
brother in kindergarten. My
dad thought I should learn
something to hold my own.”
She fought in tournaments,
against boys, never placing less
than third. “It's not just kicks
and punches. 115 not just a body
sport but а mind-body thing.
It's concentration—and а lot of
knuckle push-ups.”

When asked about childhood
dreams, Karen had one that
шау have Leen typically South-
ern—for an older generation.
“I thought I would grow up and
marry Elvis. I know; he died
when I was twelve. But he al-
ways meant something special
to me. Му dad would say
"There's an old Elvis movie on

TW and we'd sit together and

"Im one of those people who
remember over-all feelings
but not things in porticulor.
The delight, not the details. |
could never get those essays
right—you know, ‘What did
you do on your vacation?”

watch." And now that Elvis is
back, anything is possible,
right? Wrong. Beyond the day-
dreams, there is a dearheaded
young woman. At U of H, she
has combined classes in com-
puter science with accounting
courses, while pursuing model-
ing on the side. "I'm always go-
ing to have a brain, but now is
the time to see what 1 can do
with these looks." She is obvi-
ously comfortable with her
body, and with the idea of pos-
ing for Playboy, but is aware of
the public's mixed reactions to
nudity. “I went to Europe and
visited the topless beaches
there. I was а tad uncomfort-
able at first, but then, when you
see seventy-year-old women
sunning sans tops, you wonder
at your own embarrassment.
But if you tried a topless beach
in Houston, it would take the
restof the century for people to
get through staring at one an-
other" If Miss Foster were
sunning herself on said beach,

it might take longer than that.

“Ive never had a mad pas-
sion. The men in my life are
friends 1 can сой twenty times
o day and still find things to
talk about | look for compan-
ionship—on а date, its the
person, not the packaging.”

1290190 SSIN

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

we. KAREN Foster 0-2

must. OO — wars: Zl ums: BZ

mr: DA" wereun lO Des _ `
BIRTH DATE: ны Lorn Teas __

`
AMBITIONS: 12 VE ДЕ
E

току-омѕ: LEATHER, CLOTHES, A ( ARS TAN ELUNG,

zun-orrs: WAITING IN Lines WAKING рр Eagiy
Coup WEATHER AUDE DRIVERS.

FAVORITE BOOKS: —PeesoucnhuwacEUT THE STAND _
FAVORITE TV SHOWS ЕО MINUTES, DSA TODAY LEAVE IT TO BEAVER

FAVORITE MOVIES: A

FAVORITE PERFORMER: ELVIS PRESLEY He WAS =

ravorrre COUNTRY: USA OF COURSE! ALT ЕРАККЕ (SMY FAVORITE

E m5 Hi 0 ЕС

[N
DESCRIBE YOURSELF:_ DEDICATED INTELLIGENT AMEXTIOUS

AND FAMUY-'ORVENTEN.

lé Kes. WITH MY TOURS. ASAN МВА. ZINeS. AT THE
BATON-TWIRLING HOUSTON ROCKETS LOLVRE MUSEUM
TROPHY EERLEADER in PARU

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

| can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for
four hundred dollars, minus six percent for
cash,” the salesman said.

‘The customer, not able to figure the calcula-
tion, said he would think about the deal and re-
turn the next day.

That evening, the fellow asked his female
friend, “If you were offered four hundred dollars
minus six percent, how much would you take

“Everything but my earrings,” she purred.

Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose were
sitting together in a Баг A beautiful woman
walked in and Wade said, "I'm going to
love to that woman ight lon
“Hal” Garvey sait hes c; g my
Rose turned to them and Eu P anta bet?”

A truck driver parked his semi outside the diner,
walked in and ordered a st

one biker snickered to the waitress.
“Can't drive, 7 she said. “Не just ran over
three motorcycles.

Two psychiatrists with offices in the same build-
ing rode the elevator together every morning.
Each day, the elevator operator would watch in
amazement as one of the psychiatrists spit in the
other's face, while the victim did nothing in re-
turn.

Finally, the operator stopped the second шап
after the other had exited. “Excuse me, sir, but
for three years now, I've been taking you and that
other gentleman to your floors, and each day,
that man spits in your face. Why don't you ever
do qunm about iv”

." the sl
sedem d

К replied with a shrug, "it's his

There's good news and bad news for Oklahoma
football fans. The good news is, the Sooners have
been ranked tenth by the А.Р The bad news is,
they've been ranked third by the FBI

A koala bear broke into a prostitute’s apartment
and proceeded to vigorously perform oral sex on
her. After he had. ten and was heading for
the door, she stopped him and demanded pay-
The koala bear was bewildered.

се," she said, “its right here in the diction-
ary. A prostitute is ‘а woman who sells sex for
money:

Unfazed, the koala bear told her to look him up
in the dictionary. There she found this entry:
"Koala bear, an Australian native mammal that
eats bushes and leaves.”

How many men doesit take to steer an Exxon oil
tanker? One and a fifth.

The judge looked suspiciously at the fellow
accused of peddling “Fountain of Youth” tab-
lets that, he promised, would reverse the aging

process
“Bailiff,” the judge asked, “does the accused
have any prior arrests?”
ayes, he replied, referring to his notes.
“Не was arrested for the same offense in 1983,
1974, 1965, 1941, 1911, 1869 and 1841.”

How doesa New Yorker give C.PR.? He points to
the person on the ground and yells, “Се! up be-
fore you fucking dic!"

What does Dan Quayle think Roe vs. Wade is?
Two ways to cross the Potomac.

4 New York businessmen were in Mi-
serating about their careers.
“бо what happened to your business?" one
asked the other.
Fire. Destroyed everything. What happened
to yours?"

"Flood," the first one replied.

"Really? How do you arrange а flood?"

Heard а funny one lately? Send it on а post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy,
Playboy Bldg, 919 N. Michigan Ave, Chicago,
Ill. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

“The ‘Phi Beta Kappa’ card is helpful, but what really
grabs them is the ‘allover tan.”

return to
animal
house

the man who wrote the movie
revisits the scene of the
crime—and finds he can still
boot with the best of them

article
By CHRIS MILLER

Ф TsxacicuoNDa at the Alpha Delta
1 house and the brothers have been

drinking since six a.m. They have
worked their way through Sunrise-Serv-
ice Hour (tequila sunrises, Cartoon
Hour (Kool-Aid punch) and Lonely-Guy
Hour (Thunderbird and Mad Dog,
straight from the bottle), Now its ten
o'clock, and that means it’s. .. Naked-in-
the-Tube-Room Hour!

Seventy naked guys cram into the TV
room, which is about as large as a small
one-car garage. Beers are distributed by
dick size—those with big ones get king
cans of Bud; those with small cocks drink
from shot glasses. The worst, most repel-
lent, vile and disgusting porno tape
available is popped into the VCR. The
brothers keep checking one another
out—anyone who gets а hard-on faces
rigorous punishment. No one's quite sure
what the punishment might be, since in
the history of Magic Monday, no one has
yet gotten a hard-on during Naked-in-
the-Tube-Room Hour, but they keep
checking anyway, just in сазе.

There's a knock on the door. It's the
delivery guy from the pizza place—he
steps inside and freezes. Good Lord,
what has he walked in on here—a bunch
of preverts or something? Oddly enough,
despite the large number of guys present,
no one has the money to pay for the piz-
za—because no one has any pockets. On
the screen, the cast is urinating on one
another, sodomizing dead animals, all
sorts of neat stuff. “If you could wait till
the end of this sequence,” says the guy
who made the order, “I'll run upstairs

ILLUSTRATION BY ARNOLD ROTH

PLAYBOY

106

and get some money"

The pizza guy looks around, swallows
and says, “Never mind. This one's a free-
hic.” He makes the quickest getaway ever
seen from a Dartmouth fraternity house.

Magic Monday is a tradition going back
at least two decades at the AD house,
or Adelphian Lodge, as its members af-
fectionately call и. The hourly themes
proliferate over the years: Volleyball-in-
the-Living-Room Hour, with Beach Boys
music and рійа coladas; Ex-Athlete
Hour, with Schlitz beer (because that:
what washed-up old athletes drink);
Blues Hour, when they listen to Elmore
James and drink bourbon; Christmas
Hour, when they chop down a tree, plant
itin the living room, decorate it with соп-
doms and pantics and drink cggnog;
and, finally, New Year's Hour, when they
cut the tree up and burn it, drink cham-
pagne and sing Auld Lang Syne. It's a
good time and an important annual
event.

The common belief is that the first
Magic Monday occurred the day John Е
Kennedy was shot. After all, is it not
carved on the pillar by the tap system in
the basement, NOVEMBER 22, 1963—LER.
DEAD—EIGHT KEGS? 1 could tell them dif-
ferent. You see, I was there on November
22, 1963. First, it was a Friday, not а Моп-
day, and, second, what happened was less
a celebration of surreality than a wake;
though, actually, it was a pretty good
time. No, the first Magic Monday oc-
curred a few years later, when a brother
named Don chanced to stay up drinking
one Sunday night, and in the morning,
the brothers were so impressed that they
blew off classes for the day and joined
him. But why muddy the underpinnings
of a cherished Adelphian tradition?
Myths are more fun than facts.

Let me tell you another AD tradition:
the Night of the Seven Fires. This is the
Hell Night that, in one form or another,
has marked the transition of more than a
half century's worth of AD pledges into
brothers. The early Sixties version: You
had to hike out to the snowy woods in the
middle of the night and find, with the aid
of a mimeographed map, the Seven Sa-
cred Watch Fires. At each of these would
be a complement of brothers waiting to
demand demented acts of you. You had
to drop trou and sit in the snow, consume
impossible quantities of beer and wine
and vomit repeatedly, sometimes on one
another.

It was one of the greatest nights of
my

This is difficult for some people to
understand. Fraternity high-jinks are a
most particular form of behavior and are
regarded with neither sympathy nor af-
fection by much of the world, especially
mothers, police officers, campus admin-
istrators and other societal voices of

moderation and control. It’s hard to ex-
plain to those who have missed the fra-
ternity experience how richly satisfying
mooning or booting (thats Dart-talk for
recreational vomiting) or eating your un-
derwear can be. People just dont get it.

Which is why, about ten years after
graduating, I decided to write a book
about fraternity life in which I would
present America with the straight skin-
ny—the reverse value systems, the fasci-
nation with the repugnant, the cheerful
flouting of authority. The book never
found a publisher, but portions of it, con-
verted to short stories, appeared in Na-
tional Lampoon, where their popularity
prompted editor Doug Kenney to pro-
pose that he, Harold Ramis and I write а
movie based on them. The movie was
Animal House.

Now, l'm aware that a lot of people
thought that Delta Tau Chi in Animal
House was somehow based on their frater-
nity. Sorry, guys—now it can be told—the
house that launched the legend was AD
at Dartmouth. And although, to the best
of my recollection, no one at Dartmouth
ever put Fizzies in the swimming pool or
offed a horse in the dean's office, some-
one did once boot on the dean (and his
wife), and there was, in a house today
known as the Tabard, a mermaid with
goldfish-bowl breasts, and, in the AD
house, there were guys named Otter,
Flounder and Pinto, and a “Sex Room,”
and numcrous black R&B bands that
played Shout and Louie, Louie. There was
also a guy named Turnip, who placed a
phone call to a dead Smithie, identifying
himself as her boyfriend. Unlike Otter
in the movie, he didn't get himself and
his fellow road-trippers dates with her
roommate and friends. In fact, that idea
had never occurred to "lurnip—he'd
made the call out of sheer joy of sickness.

"Sickness Is Health, Blackness Is
Truth, Drinking [5 Strength.” That was
the house creed, and we tried to live up
to it. Pledges were taught power booting.
If you drank enough beer and jumped
up and down a few times, it was no big
deal to boot your height—the trick was
in keeping a tight stream and hitting the
target, a photo of Connie Francis, say,
tacked to the basement wall. There was a
fellow who used to snooze atop the bar,
naked but for a beer cup over his dong.
When a lady would enter the basement,
he would tip his cup. We built lewd snow
statues, got laid in a hearse parked out
back, pledged a dead raccoon and once
mooned the governor of New Hamp-
shire. We had fun.

But how much fun, I wondered, were
they having up at Dartmouth today? Aft-
er all, it was the Eighties now, the era of
AIDS, religious fundamentalism and the
conservative backlash against the indul-
gent Sixties and Seventies. What was
more, to those of us alumni who followed

the news out of Dartmouth, it often
seemed asif the college had declared war
on its fraternity system.

The opening gun was fired in 1978.
‘An English professor, James A. Epper-
son, circulated a petition among the fac-
ulty to have fraternities abolished for
“interfering with college life and the
health and well-being of students.” The
real stunner came when the faculty voted
67—16 in favor of the proposal. Obvious-
ly, there was serious resentment harbored
against the fraternities at Dartmouth.

‘To a degree, fraternities were under
serious scrutiny nationwide. College fac-
ulties had always tended to view them as
elitist, sexist, racist, anti-intellectual and
overly involved with alcohol. Now, in the
Eighties, with their ranks swelled with
veterans of the Sixtics—who by and
large hated fraternities—they were on
the attack. At many schools, especially
the smaller, private ones in the North-
east, boards of trustees formed study
committees. In 1983, Amherst and Colby
abolished fraternities outright. Gettys-
burg came close to doing the same, and
at Middlebury, theres a continuing con-
troversy over the fate of their fraternity
system. Indeed, aspects of Greek life
have been under some form of study at
approximately a third of the 650 colleges
where fraternities exist.

Ах the same time, though, fraterni-
ties have never been more popular. On
the rcbound from thcir Victnam-cra
doldrums, undergraduate fraternities
grew in membership from 230,000 in
1980 to more than 400,000 in 1986. ТІ
was widely regarded as a reflection of the
return to establishment values and con-
servatism on campus, though it may have
had more to do with the resurgent desire
of college men to raise hell and have fun
with their buddies, which, after all, is
what fraternities are all about. In any
case, it seems unlikely that larger schools,
such as USC or the University of Illinois,
will ever do away with them—they're
simply too popular among both students
and alumni.

Meanwhile, back at Dartmouth, the
proposal to abolish the houses was ulti-
mately voted down by the board of
trustees, but there did ensue a period of
crackdown that resulted in many houses’
being put on probation and given shape-
up-or-ship-out ultimatums. Then, in
1983, came the instituting of “minimum
standards" for fraternities and sororities.
Since this program called for, among
other things, expensive renovations to
the deteriorating houses, most of which
had been built in the Twenties, it was
widely perceived as an attempt 10 do
away with the fraternities by breaking
them financially.

Then, іп 1987, the board of trustees
released a Residential Life Statement

(continued on page 150)

Have YOU NOTICED that they dont show
many of those great old crime movies оп
ТУ anymore—Cagney іп Angels with
Dirty Faces, Paul Muni in Scarface or our
personal favorite, 10,000 Years in Sing
Sing? Our theory is that the networks be-
lieve that the publics appetite for this
kind of stuff is being satisfied by the
sports report on the late news. You know
the stories. An East Coast football player
accused of murder. А coach down South
up on tax evasion. А couple of linemen
ош West charged with rape. An ofiense
lost to drug busts: simple possession. Pos-
session with intent to sell. Conspiracy.

In case you missed the TV news, there
was the Sports Ilustrated cover featuring
Oklahoma’s Charles Thompson. Not
Thompson the option quarterback in his
orange Sooner jersey but Thompson the
accused drug dealer in his orange jail
jump suit. Cagney just doesnt hold up
against this kind of stuff.

Our first reaction to these stories is
disenchantment. Then anger. Who's to
blame? The М.С.А.А.? The coaches?
Sports agents? College presidents? The
truth is that college athletes are no better
or worse than any broad spectrum of
Americans; no greater percentage of col-
lege athletes flout the rules than do busi-
nessmen on Wall Street or politicians in
Congress. At least the athletes can plead
youth.

While we hope for the day when the
sports report will be all scores and no jail
sentences, let's take a look at the brighter
side of college football—the action on the
field. Heres how we rank the winners
and the losers.

1. NOTRE DAME,

Believe it or not, Notre Dame will have
a better football team this season than
last. Coach Lou Holtz, of course, under-
stands that that doesnt guarantee anoth-
er national championship. The Fighting
Irish were good, but they were also luci
eking out victories over Michigan (19—
17) and Miami (31-30). Notre Dame's
offense revolves around quarterback
Tony Rice, who passed for 1176 yards
and rushed for 700 yards last season. Per-
haps the only notable Notre Dame weak-
ness is the lack of backup for Rice. When
asked to detail his strategy in the event
that Rice is injured, Holtz answered,
“Punt and then pray.” Ricky Watters has
been switched from flanker to tailback,

PLAYBOY'S

PIGSKIN PREVIEW

our pre-season picks of the top college teams and players

sports By GARY COLE

with research by NANCY MOUNT

Quarterback Tony Rice, o leading candi-
date for this years Heisman Trophy,
will lead Моне Dame іп its attempt to
win back-to-back national championships.

TOP 20 TEAMS

Possible breakthroughs: Georgia (8-3).
North Corolino Stote (8-3) Brigham
Young (8-4), Howoii (8-4), Virginia
(8-4), Duke (7—4), Boston College (7-4),
Washington (7-4), Arizona State (7-4),
lllinois (7-4), Indiona (7-4), Southern
Mississippi (7-4), South Carolina (7—4),
Oklahomo State (7-4), Louisville (7-4).

his original rookie-ycar position, where
he'll alternate with Tony Brooks. Sopho-
more tight end Derek Brown is one of the
best young receivers in the nation and
Raghib Ismail, a flanker and kick return-
er, is a burner. On defense, the Irish lost.
four starters but have an abundance of
talent to fill the holes. Linebacker
Michael Stonebreaker, the teams leading
returning tackler (105), is questionable
because of a dislocated hip suffered in an
off-season auto accident. Holtz is fond of
saying, "Everybody's 0 and 0 right now"
With a wee bit of luck, the Irish could be
undefeated again come January 19-0

2. MIAMI

There's not much argument that Mi-
ami has been the dominant team in col-
lege football this decade. With 41
victories under Howard Schnellenberger
and 52 wins and two national cham-
pionships under Jimmy Johnson, the
Hurricanes have come to epitomize pro-
style-passing sophistication and aggres-
sive defense. When Johnson left to
replace Tom Landry at Dallas, Hurri-
canes athletic director Sam Jankovich
skipped the obvious successor, assistant
coach Gary Stevens, and picked Dennis
Erickson, a man Jankovich described as
“the best possible coach to take Mia
into the Nineties.” Erickson, who had
performed quick program turnarounds
at Idaho, Wyoming and, most recently,
Washington State, obviously relished the
thought of coaching a team in the run-
ning for the national championship year
in and year out. The departure of star
quarterback Steve Walsh, who passed
up his final year of eligibility in favor of
the N.EL.s supplemental draft, did little
to dampen Ericksons optimism. He
promptly designated Craig Erickson
{no relation) as heir to the hallowed Q.B.
spot previously occupied by Jim Kelly,
Bernie Kosar, Vinny Testaverde and
Walsh. Jimmy Johnson and the Miami re-
cruiting machine also lefi Erickson with
a defense made up of great athletes who,
as Erickson says, “like to run all over the
field.” The national championship may
very well be decided when Notre Dame
goes to Miami on November 25. 10-1

3. MICHIGAN

Michigan has a chance to be the first.
school in N.C.A.A. history to win back-
to-back national championships іп

THE 1989 PLAYBOY

OFFENSE

Left to right, top to bottom: Mike Pfeifer (75), offensive lineman, Kentucky; Robbie Keen (10), place kicker, California-Berkeley;
Jake Young (68), center, Nebraska; Darrell Thompson (39), running back, Minnesota; Doug Glaser (70), offensive lineman,
Nebraska; Pat Crowley (51), offensive lineman, North Carolina; Clarkston Hines (12), wide receiver, Duke; Don Nehlen, Coach
of the Year, West Virginia; Bob Kula (63), offensive lineman, Michigan State; Darren Lewis (25), running back, Texas A&M; Chris
Oldham (2), kick retumer, Oregon; Major Harris (9), quarterback, West Virginia; Emmitt Smith (22), running back, Florida.

PHOTOGRAPHY BYRICHARDIZUI SPECIALTHANKS TO THE SHERATON BAL HARBDUR HOTEL BAL HARBOUR, FLORIDA

ALL-AMERICA TEAM
е

> =
DEFENSE

Left to right, top to bottom: Lester Archambeau (72), defensive lineman, Stanford; James Francis (38), linebacker, Baylor; Bobby
lilljedahl (14), punter, Texas; Dennis Brown (79), defensive lineman, Washington; Tim Ryan (99), defensive lineman, Southern
Cal; Don Davey (91), Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete, Wisconsin; Percy Snow (48), linebacker, Michigan State; Mark Carrier (7),
defensive back, Southern Cal; Robert Blackmon (21), defensive back, Baylor; Keith McCants (86), linebacker, Alabama; Adrian
Jones (2), defensive back, Missouri; Aaron Wallace (23), linebacker, Texas A&M; Alonzo Hampton (3), defensive back, Pittsburgh. 109

THE PLAYBOY ALL-AMERICAS

Playboy's College Football Coach of the Year is pon менем from West Virgin-
ia University. Now beginning his tenth year with the Mountaineers, Nehlen has
a career record of 69-36-1. Last year, West Virginia recorded a perfect

11-0 record before losing to Notre Dame in the Sunkist

¡esta Bowl. Nehlen is

the recipient of numerous coach-of-the-year awards, including the prestigious
Bobby Dodd Award for “a higher and more noble aspect of college coaching.”

OFFENSE
MAJOR HARRIS—Quarterback, 6'1”,
207 pounds, West Virginia, junior.
East Coast Athletic Conference Play-
er of the Year. Passed for 1195 yards
and 14 TDs; had highest passing-
efficiency rating in N.C.A.A.
DARREN Lewis—Running back, 54117,
907 pounds, Texas A&M, junior.
Southwest Conference Offensive Plav-
er of the Year. Rushed for school-
record 1692 yards last season.
EMMITT sMrrH—Running back, 5'10",
205 pounds, Florida, junior. Reached
2000 rushing yards in fifth game of
last season, second earliest of апу
sophomore back in collegiate history
(first was Herschel Walker).
DARRELL THOMPSON Running back,
6'1”, 220 pounds, Minnesota, senior.
First Big Ten player to rush for more
than 1000 yards in each of his first two
seasons.
CLARKSTON HINES—Wide receiver,
&'1", 170 pounds, Duke, senior.
Caught 68 passes for 1067 yards and
теп T.D.s last season. Should set all-
time A.C.C. record for receptions.
GREG MC MURTRY— Wide receiver, 6'3",
197 pounds, Michigan, senior. Caught
27 passes for 470 yards last season.
Greg is not pictured because he was
playing for the Wolverines in the Big
Теп baseball play-offs at time of photo.
par crowıev— Offensive lineman,
6'3", 280 pounds, North Carolina,
senior. Led the way for two 1000-
yard rushing backs in three years
as starter.
DOUG GLaseR—Offensive lineman,
6'7", 295 pounds, Nebraska, senior.
Part of line that paved the way for the
Cornhuskers’ national rushing title
(382.3 yards per game).
Jake Younc—Center, 6'4", 270
pounds, Nebraska, senior. Referred to
by his coaches as “the finest techni-
cian we've seen at his position.” Also
an Academic Big Eight.
MIKE PFEIFER—Offensive lineman,
6'7", 305 pounds, Kentucky, senior.
Should be back at full strength
(bench-presses 465 pounds) after
knee injury last season.
вов KULA—Oflensive lineman, 64”,
282 pounds, Michigan State, senior.
Switched from left guard to lefttackle
to replace Tony Mandarich.
CHRIS OLDHAM—Kick returner, 5'9",

180 pounds, Oregon, senior. Led na-
tion in kickoff returns last season with
294-yard average.

ROBBIE KEEN—Place kicker, 6'3", 215
pounds, University of California, jun-
ior. Kicked 21 out of 95 last season, 11
of 12 from 40 yards or more.

DEFENSE
TIM RYAN—Defensive lineman, 6'5",
250 pounds, Southern California,
senior. Fourth year as starter; had
75 tackles, 13 for losses last season.
DENNIS BROWN—Defensive lineman,
6'4", 300 pounds, Washington, senior.
Already ranks fifth at Washington in
career tackles for losses (29).
LESTER ARCHAMBEAU—Defensive line-
man, 6'5”, 260 pounds, Stanford, sen-
ior Second-team Pac Ten last year;
one of most improved defensive line-
men in nation.
AARON waLLace—Linebacker, 674",
230 pounds, Texas A&M, senior.
All-Southwest Conference last sea-
son; already has 31.5 career sacks.
KEITH MCCANTS— Linebacker, 6'5", 252
pounds, Alabama, junior. In mold of
former "Bama linebackers Cornelius
Bennett and Derrick Thomas; has 4.5
speed in the 40.
PERCY sNow—Linebacker, 6'3", 240
pounds, Michigan State, senior.
All-Big Ten last season; finished in
top five for Butkus Award for best
linebacker.
JAMES Francis—Linebacker, 64”, 236
pounds, Baylor, senior. Had 82 tackles
last season, including eight for losses.
ROBERT BLACKMON—Defensive back,
5'11", 195 pounds, Baylor, senior.
All-Southwest Conference last sea-
son, second year in a row.
ADRIAN JonEs—Defensive back, 6'0",
184 pounds, Missouri, senior. All-Big
Fight wo years in a row; 44 unassist-
ed tackles last season.
MARK caRRIER— Defensive back, 6'1”,
180 pounds, Southern California, jun-
ior. Had 114 tackles last season and 17
pass deflections.
ALONZO HAMPTON—Defensive back,
6%”, 190 pounds, Pittsburgh, senior.
Second-team all-America last year;
14th nationally in punt returns.
BOBBY LILLJEDAHL—Punter, 6'5", 220
pounds, Texas, senior. Ranked sixth
in nation last season with 42.6-yard
average.

basketball and football. To accomplish
that feat, coach Bo Schembechler and his
Wolverines must find a way to beat Notre
Dame in the season opener at Ann Arbor
оп September 16, then pull off a win in
Pasadena, where they'll meet UCLA. It’s
a tall order, but the Wolverines are load-
ed with talent, returning 17 starters from
last season's 9-2-1 squad. Michigan has
two of the finest running backs in the
nation in Tony Boles and Leroy Hoard.
Schembechler also has two talented
quarterbacks (Michael Taylor and
Demetrius Brown) plus Playboy All-
America receiver Greg McMurtry. Greg
Skrepanek, a 6'8", 322-pound junior of-
fensive tackle, is the most physically awe-
some football player in Michigan now
that Tony Mandarich lives in Califor-
nia. 10-1

4. NEBRASKA.

This is Nebraska's centennial football
season and coach Tom Osbornes 17th.
Each of Osborne's teams has finished in
the top ten and gone to a bowl game. The
Cornhuskers have won or tied for seven
Big Eight titles in that time, including last
year’s conference crown. As usual, Ne-
braska is loaded with talent. Playboy All-
Americas Jake Young and Doug Glaser
anchor one of the biggest and best offen-
sive lines in college football. Running
back Ken Clark, who rushed for 1497
yards last season, is back for his senior
year. Expect some fall-off at quarterback,
where Gerry Gdowski will replace Steve
Taylor. Not even the loss of seven starters
from last season's defensive unit should
keep Osbornes talent-deep Huskers
from winning big. 10-1

5. FLORIDA STATE

If it werent for Miami, Florida State
would be laying claim to the title “Team
of the Eighties’—or at least the late
Eighties. The Hurricanes are the only
team to have beaten FSU in its last 24
outings (they did it twice). The Semi-
noles, who had stars in their eyes and
lead in their pants when they lost 31-0 to
Miami in last season's opener, were do:
nating the remainder of the season. ТІ
year, forgoing the pre-season hype, they
may be even more dangerous. Quarter-
back Peter Tom Willis returns to lead the
offense; on defense, watch for nose
guard Odell Haggins. The schedule, fea-
turing home games against Miami and
Auburn and away games against Syra-
cuse and LSU, is tough. 9-2

6. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

Coach Larry Smith set some challeng-
ing goals for his Trojans team last year:
Be a class team (it was), beat UCLA
(it did) and win the Pac 10 champion-
ship (it did). However, Smith’s dream of
a national championship came to an

(continued on page 154)

"If he has ату talent whatsoever, I'll be rich!"

Q
A

Қау

WORKING GIRL

our lady from cleveland is on the cutting edge

Ho, REALLY, is the girl
W door? What
we've been trying to say all
these years is that great-looking
women are everywhere, going
about their business, and this
new pictorial series, Working
Girl, is further proof. Meet
Bravina Trovato. Bravina is a.
БагВег, like her brother and
grandfather. When the family
got together on Sundays,
Grandpa would give haircuts,
and to Bravina, it looked like
fun. So she went to barber col-
lege and for the past nine years
has been working at making
men look good. *A man goes to
a woman barber because he
wants to be talked to and pam-
pered," she says. *I have cus-
tomers who have been coming
to me for ages." Trovato, 29, can
be reached for an appointment
in Cleveland's historic land-
mark building Terminal Tower.
Yes, folks, we did say Cleveland.
Furthermore, she loves it there.

“Cleveland is going to be the

"The average guy is very
concerned about how he
looks,” says Bravina, at
work at right, "so I try to
take into consideration his
build, the shape of his face,
his profession and his hair
texture whenever | recom-
mend a particular hair style!

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

BRAVINA TROVATO: BARBER

comeback city of the Nineties
and I want to be here to share
in it, one day in my own barber-

shop,” she . When asked if

men are especially vain, she

smiles and The ones who
are losing their hair are very
vain. 1 have lots of suggestions

for them, from special prod-

ucts to different hair styles.
Guys with a full head aren't
nearly as concerned, but they
all ask for advice. I'm doing a
lot more perms now" Brayina
admits that being a woman in
a barbershop is a great way
10 meet men, but she tries 10
keep things businesslike, even
when the guy in the chair is
confiding in her. What do bar-
bers do to keep the adrenaline
pumping? Occasionally, they
race. Bravina told us a story
about herself and her brother,
a good barber and a fast one.
One day they both were work-

and she tried

ing on customers
to cut faster. That time, Bra-

vina won one with the clipper.

“Sure, I'm an amateur psy-
chologist. | want my cus-
tomer to be relaxed in the
chair. He'll talk to me about
his family, business, sports
and the news. But | also
want him to leave the shop
happy with his haircut and
come back to me regularlı

PLAYBOY

KEITH RICHARDS „оа from page 68)

“What children do is grow you up, make you think,
What the hell am I gonna leave behind?"

the ticket numbers—you mean you didn't
charge for the baby?" It was chaos.
PLAYBOY: You may have been a civilizing
influence at Altamont, but many judges
have thought you the Devil incarnate.
You were arrested for drug possession at
Redlands in 1967 and in Aylesbury in
1973. Іп 1977, you were arrested іп
‘Toronto. Do you think it was because of
the drugs or because of your popularity
that you were arrested?

RICHARDS: The drugs were the excuse.
"The reason was the effect they felt we
had on the rest of the population. To me,
before 1967, drugs had been grass or
hash and amphetamines.

They're nothing I'd recommend to
anybody, drugs, but a musician's life —
Its very difficult to get anyone to under-
stand. It’s an underworld life, anyway.
Musicians start to work when everybody
else stops working and wants some enter-
tainment. If you get enough work, you're
working three hundred and fifty days a
year, because you want to fill up every
gig. And you reach a point very early on
where you're sitting around in a dressing
room with some of the other acts in the
show and you say, “I've gotta drive five
hundred miles and do two shows tomor-
row and I can't make it.” And you look
around at the other guys and say, “How
the hell have you been making it for
years?" And they say, “Well, baby, take
one of these.”

Musicians don't start off thinking,
Мете rich and famous; lets get Its
a matter of making the next gig. Like the
bomber pilots—if you've got to bomb
Dresden tomorrow, you get, like, four or
five bennies to make the trip and keep
yourself together. And then it was legal.
Thats how it starts out and it’s usually
speed. But the audience got into the
same bag, and not for the same reasons.
"The musicians would be very happy if it
were still elitist, dressing-room shit.

But it became an issue. People started
to write songs about the stuff and sing
about it and advocate it. And the rest of
us are going, “Oh, man, unhip!” You
dont let that shit out of the dressing
room. But suddenly, in a matter of a few
months, it’s become a major way of life.
Then they want to look for somebody to
blame and, of course, we set ourselves up.
“Would you let your daughter marry a
Rolling Stone?” We were easy meat. At
least they thought we were.

PLAYBOY: And you showed them you
weren't by attacking your own judge.
What was jail like?

RICHARDS: First off, neither the accom-
modations nor the fashion suited me
a-tall. I like a little more room, 1 like the
john to be in a separate area and I hate to
be woken up. So а jail's nowhere to be.
PLAYBOY: You were kicked out of England
on tax-evasion charges. If you were living
in England, would they still try to bust
you?

RICHARDS: Aw, по, no. I think the reason
we got forced out was they realized it was
pointless. They were showing their own
weakness, a country that’s been running
a thousand years worried about a couple
of guitar players and a singer. Do me a fa-
vor! They started to look bad. Specially
when they hit John Lennon. After they'd
given him an M.B.E. they tried to bust
him! That's when you realize how fragile
our little society is. But the government
allowed that fragility to show. They let us
look under their skirts—ooh, just anoth-
er pussy, you know? Sending the Stones
out to fend for themselves was like, “Pay
up and go broke and live here, or fuck
off.”

To me, there was no choice; I'd rather
tuck off. Why not? 1 mean, | love Eng-
land, and it's my country: If you're forced
to stay out too long and you go back, you
feel like D. Н. Lawrence. He said, “I feel
more an alien here than anywhere else.”
1 go back to London now, I see fuckin’
Nelson's column and it’s white marble.
It was always covered in soot and shit.
1 dont mind—its wonderful, clean it
up. But, to me, its such a shock to see
Nelsons column white instead of
fucking charcoal gray and black. Its
unbelievable.

PLAYBOY: Your involvement with drugs
was well known. Did you ever think you
were going past your own point of no re-
turn?

RICHARDS: I always felt 1 had a safe mar-
gin. But that's a matter of knowing your-
self—maybe just on а physical level. I
come from very tough stock and things
that would kill other people don't kill me.

In the Sixties, we were actually trying
to do something by taking a few chemi-
cals and making this historical wrench. It
came down to mundane things like hair
and clothes and music—but the ideal be-
hind it was very pure. Everybody at that
point was prepared to use himself as a
sort of laboratory to find some way out of
this mess. And it was very idealistic and
very destructive at the same time for a lot
of people.

The down side of it now is that people
think drugs are entertainment. But the

cats they look up to who died of drugs—
and even me, who was supposed to die but
didn't, yet!—we weren't takin’ drugs just
for fun, for recreation. Creation, maybe.
It's all too complicated for me.

PLAYBOY: A lot of people іп our genera-
tion who did drugs are now terrified that
their own kids may do the same. It scares
them to see their kids taking those
chances, thinking of themselves 2s —
RICHARDS: Indestructible. You have to
when you're young. That's the drive that
gets you into life. But when you grow up
and have a kid, vou think about a lot of
things. It changes your life, your think-
ing. The kid is your little thing, and you
think, Goddamn, I helped make that.
And it's all full of purity and innocence,
and it’s just smilin’ at you and wants to
kiss you and hug you, and all it wants to
do is just feel you and touch you, and you
never felt so loved in your life. Its that bit
of love you gave your own parents, the
bit you dont remember—your kid gives
that back to you. And you realize, “Гуе
just been given the first two or three
years of my life back."

Ivsa vital piece of knowledge: it's like a
Г piece in a jigsaw puzzle. You
should keep that, instead of showin’ them
ofi—“Hey, I made this"—because they
made you. It’s a reverse thing, because
they give you that little bit, that impor-
tant bit of living when you absolutely
dont know shit about nothing. Every-
things a ровшуе. ‘Cause once you start to
remember things—from that moment,
you've gotta start makin’ judgments. But
in that early period, that first year or two,
you can be whoever you want to be, the
freest bird on this planet, just as if you
were born a mole or an eagle, a jackal, a
lion, a gnu—gnash yer teeth—or any-
thing.

What children do to you is grow you
up, make you think, What the hell am I
gonna leave behind when I'm gone? Its
throwing them into a fucking cauldron
of pollution and fear. But a lot of people
don't take any notice of their kids; they
just think of them as a possession, or
something like, "I fucked up that night; I
forgot to pull out,” and, "OK, we can do
plenty more; if that one fucks up. we can
have another опе.” We can be incredibly
callous about ourselves. There are so
many of us, and the forces of nature are
relentless.

You watch ants work—any other form
of life—if we werent here, this ball
would roll very neatly and smartly for a
lot longer. Which makes you think that
maybe you don't belong here. We've put
everything into gettin’ off. Even though

s probably paradise. None of the other
ices so far look to me as attractive as
this joint, but we're ready to suck it dry
and shit on it in order to get a few off.
Мете just bigger ants. We're all gonna
self-destruct, so put Adam and Eve out

а ‘ann ‘SHH а Y 1М%0601Му0% 'N313MS за,
18188) К ESO

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TALK DIRTY
To МЕ!

VERMOUTH! SPARE ME THE
| DOLLY PARTON JOKES,

WILL YA?!
2
©
——

1
ВАТ WELL, GET A LOAD OF

2 BARTENDERS PET!

YY y

| HANE HE FEELING
WERE BEING WATCHED!

BEGINNERS MARTINI

Now) THATS WHAT I CALL
А DRY MARTINI!

<> d

| HEAR НЕ GIVES

GREAT PIMENTO! DONT GET EXCITED.
I5 ONLY MY
TOOTHPICK.

SIR PUTTING
ON AIR, MAX!

there on another trip. We've managed to
perform this act in a few thousand years,
the blink of an eye in evolution. You can
look at it two ways: We're the joker in the
pack or were the little grain of sand that
makes a pearl out of an oyster.

PLAYBOY: Isn't that the function of art, to
make a pearl out of the oyster?
RICHARDS: But no other form of life on
the surface of the planet needs art. That
already makes us weird, as if it points a
finger: "This place doesn't need them.”
This is why we're the only form of life on
this planet that needs religion, that will
actually kill one another over some ab-
stract idea, We are totally at odds with the
plants—apparently they like a bit of mu-
sic now and again; they've grown to like
it—but we're the only ones willing to de-
stroy the whole joint. We're sucking ev-
erything out of the ground, pushin’ all
this shit up in the air. Мете lucky if the
ег stream comes back next year and if
the fuckin’ ozone layer doesn't close itself
over real soon. We've all had it, anyway;
this is a global problem now. It’s not like
we don't know it. We know it. We're so
fucking smart. We know it, but we can't
stop ourselves. It’s better to us to beat the
other guy than it is to make things com-
fortable.

"Thats the dichotomy between this
planet and ourselves. We own it, we
think. So did the dinosaurs at one ume,
and look what happened to them. This
things gonna beat us, ıt we think we own
it. I don't see any hope for us, quite hon-
esıly. And I'm saying to myself, 1 love my
kids, what the hell am 1 puttin’ them on
the face of this planet for? Cut my dick
off. And at the same time, I look at those.
girls in the morning when they wake up:
"Good morning, Daddy, give me a big
kiss’—I need this now, but what am I re-
ally giving them?

We're fucking up not only the earth
but the layers that circle the earth, the
bits we don't understand. They ve made
holes with all that pollution—what's gon-
па warm us up? And cven if you stopped
it now—and they're not gonna stop it
now; itll probably be, like, twenty
years—it’s like permafrost, it seeps down,
keeps warming and warming for years
and years. So that's not my problem, it's
God’s—"I love thee, Ocean.”

PLAYBOY: We may be God's problem.
RICHARDS: Yeah. The only thing about
the in-His-own-image thing is, who'd
want to look like this?
PLAYBOY: Do you think the problem
comes down to original sin?
RICHARDS: If 1 knew what the original sin
was, I would do it and let you know
PLAYBOY: We meant original sin in the
sense that people seem so perverse, so
naturally willing to hurt one another.
How can anything stop it?
RICHARDS: The inter g thing about
(concluded on page 143)

And a Few More Riffs from Keith. . . .

further thoughts on mick, friendship and self-defense

The long arm of Playboy caught up
with Richards again in New York at the
end of his solo tour—before his recent
releaming with Jagger. This time, it was
journalist Dovid Langsam, interviewing
Richards for our Australian. edition,
who put the arm on him. Heres a quick
once-over from down under.

PLAYBOY: How do you walk around
Manhattan?

RICHARDS: If someone says, “It's him!”
leither run for it or ease through, giv-
ing thanks and an autograph. There's
a tremendous amount of good will for
me in this town. I've had muggers
come up to me and suddenly stop. “Er,
сап | have your autograph? We don’t
want to fuck with you, man.” Because
1 also have this fearsome image,
which worries them. They never
know if Pm going to pull ош ап Uzi.
PLAYBOY: Do you have an Uzi?
RICHARDS: No, 1 dont like semi-auto-
matics.

PLAYBOY: What do you carry with you
for a gentle walk down Broadway?
RICHARDS: A big stick. My preferred
weapon isa Smith & Wesson .38.
PLAYBOY: The relationship between
you and Mick—currently off—con-
tinues to puzzle the entire world.
RICHARDS: You don't think it puzzles
me? Our difference is that we can't get
divorced. Even if Mick and I never did
another stroke of work together in
our lives, we'd still have to live with
each other. Just on a business level,
we'd still have to face each other. .. .
ГИ always be his friend . . . but to
me. . . . You see, Michael, he doesn't
put as much store by friendship and
loyalty as 1 do. To me, one of the best
things you can get out of life is to have
friends. If you can count more friends
than you've got fingers, then you're
really lucky. Luckily, 1 can start on my
toes. And I don’t know if Mick can. 1
dont know if Mick can fill a hand.
PLAYBOY: Mick helped you through
your bad patches. Do you think he
may need your help now?

RICHARDS: 1 don't think he thinks һе
needs anybody's help. But I wonder if
he's realized that he's way out on a
limb. I feel like I'm his only friend. 1
know the way he lives. I know every-
body else who knows him. I know that
Charlie Waus dished him out a great
fucking right hook and that was
Charlie Watts saying, “You and I have
had it.” It was 84 ог 85, and Mick was
wearing my jacket at the time. It really
pissed me off. Charlie punched him

into a plateful of smoked salmon and
he almost floated out the window
along the table into a canal in Amster-
dam. I just grabbed his leg and saved
him from going out. Meanwhile, my
jacket, my favorite jacket, got ruined.
Why did I lend him that jacket?
PLAYBOY: What was the fight about?
RICHARDS: It was about absolutely
nothing, 1 had taken Mick out for a
drink in Amsterdam, so at five in the
morning, he came back to my room.
He's drunk by now Mick drunk is a
sight to behold. Charlie was fast
asleep. “Is that my drummer? Why
don't you get your arse down here?”
Charlie got dressed—in a Savile Row
suit, tie, shoes—shaved, came down,
grabbed him and went boom! “Don't
ever call me ‘your drummer’ again.
You're my fucking singer.”
That was Charlie's way of saying,
“It's over, man.” It went really down-
hill after that. If there was one other
friend Mick had, it was Charlie. On
top of that, Mick was very stupid. He
forgave Charlie. There's nothing to
forgive. Nothing left to forgive.
PLAYBOY: Did you see Ron Wood's art
exhibition іш London? He lias a pur-
trait of Jagger that's terrible.
RICHARDS: Hey, Ronnie does a good
job, man.
PLAYBOY: No, he doesn't. There was a
picture of Jagger that could have been
done by anyone off the sidewalk. He
worked with Jagger for ten years and
he has no character in the picture.
RICHARDS: There's very little character
in Jagger. Its very lifelike. He cap-
tured him. Nobody at home.
PLAYBOY: Are the days of the Rolling
Stones’ making the top ten in the
charts behind us?
RICHARDS: I dont know. Let's find out.
То me, the interesting thing is the not
knowing. I think the Stones have
some great records left in them. As
longas they want to put their backs in-
той. As long as they don't approach it
from the last-big-kill or superstar-ar-
rogance angle—I dorit think 1 could
stand it. 1 don't see Charlie Watts or
Ronnie Wood approaching it like that.
1 have certain reservations about
Mick and Bill Wyman in that respect
1 think they take it for granted that
people love the shit that comes out of
their arseholes, quite honestly. And
that makes me feel very squeamish.
Its horrific to me that | could think
that I'm above and beyond anybody
else. I'm just a guitar player.

115

WHEN HOLLANDER heard the terms of
Reece's will, he giggled. It wasn't the most
appropriate response, but Hollander had
never liked his partner. That wasn't, how-
ever, why he giggled. He giggled because
now he had Reece's chair.

Reece’s chair was a wonder, an ergo
nomic and cybernetic beauty made of
chrome and wood and leather, wires and
chips and relays blended into one gor-
geous hunk of furniture. It was one of a
kind, and only a scientist of Reece's gen-
ius could have designed it.

For Reece had been a genius, as much
as Hollander hated to admit it. Although
Hollander had been the money behind
R & H Bionetics, Reece had been the
brains, He had been so spectacularly the
brains that when he died, he was just as
wealthy as Hollander, another fact that
didn't endear him to his partner. Reece's
idea of animal bionetics had come from
s-f stories about putting computer chips
in people's brains to improve their рег-
formance. Reece had had the much more
practical idea of implanting chips into
the pituitaries of livestock to stimu-
late growth hormones. There was no way
the European Common Market could
have complained about this chemical-
free procedure. In the process of
implementing effective methods of
production, Reece had lowered the
cholesterol content of the meat. Now the
country was gobbling more beef, lamb
and hogs than ever, all of it as additive-
free as any food could be in the Nineties.

Reece was smart in other ways. For ex-
ample, he had never gotten married, as
Hollander had. Hollander suspected that

more had gone on than met the eye be-
tween Reece and his secretary, Marla.

But Marla, tall, cool and aloof, was
Hollanders secretary now, and Reece's
office was his as well. It wasn't really any
better than Hollanders; what made it
wonderful was knowing it had been
Reece's. And what made it more wonder-
ful was the chair, into which Hollander
ith a delighted sigh.
gly. it seemed better tailored
to his tall, lanky frame than to Reece's
short, stubby one. He pushed a button on
the right armrest and the monitor swung
into place before his eyes. He pushed an-
other and the computer, connected to ev-
ery essential station in the R & H
complex, went on line. Damn, but it was
neat.

Reece had known how much Holland-
er had envied his chair, but Hollander
was surprised that Reece had willed it to
him, since Reece had disliked Hollander
as much as Hollander had disliked
Reece. The antagonism had been years
in the making, stemming from Holland-
er’s early claims of creative collaboration,
denounced by Reece as a definite lie.
Reece was brain, Hollander was business,
and the twain did not meet. Business-
men, Reece had frequently told Holland-
er were a pain in the ass. Scientists,
Hollander always graphically replied,
were a pain in an even more sensitive re-
gion of the male anatomy.

Still, the will was clear. Perhaps, Hol-
lander thought, this was Reece's way of
making up.

Hollander dabbled with the computer,
pulling up livestock prices, chip produc-

fiction

` \ EECE’S CHAIR

where theres a will, there's а way...to get even

tion and graphics of pituitary implants.
He entered Кеесез files and marveled at
some of the ideas on the mans electronic
drawing board, including а chip to in-
crease milk production in dairy cows
while lowering the fat content of the
milk.

One file was named chair. When Hol-
lander tried to retrieve it, he got the mes-
sage FILE Is LOCKED. He was in the middle
of a halfhearted attempt to unlock it
when Marla entered with his lunch. Не
thanked her warmly but was rewarded
by only the thinnest of smiles.

Early that afternoon, when he finally
got up to use the private bathroom
(Reece's, he noticed, had a double shower
stall—maybe Marla wasn't as cold as she
seemed), he noticed a pain that spread
from his coccyx down around his but-
tocks to the backs of his upper thighs. It
was a dull, persistent ache, like nothing
he had ever experienced before.

Athome, his wife suggested a hot bath,
but it did nothing to alleviate the pain,
and the next morning, Hollander
shuffled into his new office, straightening
up just long enough to greet Marla. Al-
though Hollander was not a brilliant
man, it took him only until 10:30 to
figure out that Reece’s chair was respon-
sible for his pain. Wincing, he got up and
examined the seat of the chair. Sure
enough, there were tiny grills mas-
querading as upholstery buttons.

“You bastard,” Hollander whispered.
“You prick.”

The son of a bitch had booby-trapped
the chair. That was why he had left it to
Hollander. (concluded on page 154)

By CHET WILLIAMSON

ILLUSTRATION BY ROBERT GIUSTI

SMOKE

a puffer's guide to
selecting a fine cigar

modern living

By RICHARD CARLETON HAC

ENTLEMEN, you may smoke.

Those immortal words—music to

the ears of cigar connoisseurs

everywhere—were first spoken
by King Edward VII in 1901 upon as-
suming the throne of England, Thus
ended the 64-year antitobacco reign of
Queen Victoria, and the 20th Century
was destined to become a more enlight-
ened erain which to live. And some years
are even better than others.

The cigar is a symbol of the good life
and of people who know how to live it.
Contrary to popular myth, the Cuban
embargo of 1962 did nothing to slow
down the manufacture of premium
smokes. The cigar makers of Havana
simply took their brands and Havana
seeds to more hospitable surroundings.
Soon, the legendary cigars of old Hi
vana's Vuelta Abajo growing region меге
being created anew in areas such as g
maica, the Dominican Republic and the
Canary Islands. Here the soil and the cli-
mate were equal to the best that Cuba
had to offer.

his means that cigars, like wines,
have vintages and can be aged so that
their tastes will deepen and mellow. Like
wines, cigars also should be stored in a.
cool, dark place. But unlike wines, cigars
do not peak and then lose their flavor
Even if exposed to air over long periods
of time, they can usually be rehumidified
and brought back to life. By contrast.
once a 19 lifornia cabernet has been
opened to the elements over a weekend, it
is gone forever. (Not everyone shares the
connoisseurs appreciation of a good
(continued on page 148)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO

PLAYBOY

College Women ¿u from page 88)

“When you first start having sex, its a game. Sex
is a toy. Its something new to play with.”

scot-free because it’s the girl who gets the
reputation, not the guy. Im not saying
that there arent guys out there who are
good, but I'm so sick of getting down on
myself for falling into traps. I’m not go-
ing to take it anymore.

GAIL: And what are your chances of get-
ting some sort of disease in those two
years? It's not a joke. I маза virgin when
I graduated from high school, and be-
fore 1 came to college, a friend of my
mom's said, “There are a lot of sexual dis-
eases on campus.” 1 said, “Well, thank
you. Nice send-off.”

міскі: My grandpa sends me articles
about AIDS and I just Jook at them and
think, That's in another part of the coun-
try, not here.

рілувоу: What do the rest of you think
when you read about AIDS?

сли: Î think Im not going to break up
with my boyfriend and start going out
with random guys, like I used to. But if 1
do break up with my boyfriend, my judg-
ment is going to be very different than it
was when I was younger and just having
a good time. When you first start having
sex, it's a game. Sex is a toy. It's some-
thing new to play with [laughs], іп а man-
ner of speaking. First youre curious,
then the reality settles in. I have friends
who have gotten chlamydia. Its nota joke
anymore.

ғілувот: Do you have more oral sex now
because it seems less dangerous than in-
tercourse, or do you have less oral sex
because everything seems more danger-
ous?

сап: There's still less of it. 1 mean, how
many people go out for one-night stands
and end up giving a guy a blow job, be-
cause what are you going to get in re-
turn? No, I don't think it's more.

NICKI: І think there's a lot more oral sex.
I've had one-night stands like that four
times, since I've gotten to the point where
I refuse to have sex with people I don't
know.

PLAYBOY: Do you decide not to have sex
because it's not meaningful or because
your partner may have a disease?

Micki: Because 1 dont want to get reject-
ed again.

DEBBIE: I would have intercourse before I
would do oral sex. That, for me, is much
more intimate.

EMILY: With- my first and only steady
boyfriend in high school, we had oral sex
азап alternative, because he didn't think
I was ready for sex. I didn't think I was
ready for it, either, so we did oral sex.

After a couple of months, we really en-
joyed it. Then we had sex, so I'm just say-
ing that oral sex came first.

DEBBIE: [ like performing oral sex. I feel
comfortable doing it. 1 won't do it with a
pickup, but for someone [ know really
well, it's my way of showing how much I
care about him, because I know it’s really
pleasurable for a man. A lot of men like
to have blow jobs because they don't have
to worry about their performance that
way. They can just lie back and let you do
something to them for a change, and I
like that. I don't like to always be the one
who's just lying there, going, “Do it to me,
baby" I want to make him feel good, too.
1 feel that I enjoy sex а lot more if I get a
chance to be on top once in a while.
pravnov: Is oral sex something that you
want Are you comfortable with it?
Nick: Well, the guy I went out with for
three and a half years, we kind of learned
from each other, and I didn't know апу
better. But it got to the point where I
finally said, “I'm not feeling anything
and I should be.” So then we started
more experiments. Vie tried everything,
but it never worked.

PLAYBOY: Was it because you never felt
one hundred percent comfortable?
Nicki: That was probably the major fac-
tor. 1 was always trying to please him,
and I wanted to make sure that he wasal-
ways happy. 1 felt like it was a burden on
him to perform oral sex and 1 was always
tense. Its sad to say, but it never got to the
point where I felt equal to him.
PLAYBOY: Thats a woman's lament—
don't want to inconvenience him."
хаскі: But that’s socialization.

DEBBIE: Í still feel kind of uncomfortable
with it, just because we've been socialized
all our lives to think that vaginas are
gross. They drip and they smell and no-
body wants to be near them. It's so hard
то overcome that.

Nicki: Exactly.

DEBBIE: And I still think, Oh, God, does
he really like it? He must be hating this.
This is probably so gross for him, and
you're uncomfortable.

сап: It’s hard not to feel stressed when
you're lying there and looking at the ceil-
ing, going, How long is he going to do
this [laughs]? You've got to psych yourself
into it. But you know what helps? This is
going to sound silly—its called the Oil of
Love, the flavored stuff. I'm not joking,
Макс it tasty. Let's face it, sucking on a
maris penis is not any more pleasurable,
You still come out going [gestures picking

pubic hair from front teeth]. [Laughs] As a
matter of fact, there was an article re-
cently in Playgirl on how to give the рег-
fect blow job. I don't know that I've ever
seen an article on how to perform oral
sex perfectly on a woman, ever. I don't
think people care.
мескі: But that goes back to whether
women get any pleasure in a one-night
stand. You don't know the person well
enough to ask for what you want. It's just.
going to end up a pleasure for him and
you're just going along with it.
сап: Even when you have a boyfriend,
you get pressure to go along with it.
"There are times when you have to talk
yourself into having sex. I mean, I get up
at eight in the morning, go to work, go to
class all day, come home, study, and my
boyfriend's saying, "Lets play" I think,
Get out of my face. I'm going to sleep.
EMILY: I like my situation. I have no at-
tachments. I go ош and find someone
and have sex when I really want to. Then
when I don't, I have no boyfriend to deal
with.
PLAYBOY: Do you find that most guys are
sexually considerate?
Nicki: 1 let my first boyfriend do whatev-
er he wanted to do, and I never knew
that there could be more pleasure in it
for me. And the guys I have slept with
since have done the same things. Гуе nev-
ег had a boyfriend whos tried to figure
out what makes me feel good.
Dennie: Гуе gone out with guys who
weren't very good in bed, but if you said,
“If you did this, 1 would feel a lot better,”
at least they'd be willing to listen. But if
you feel uncomfortable saying, “Touch
me here,” you have to find a way to say
whatever you can.
PLAYBOY: Can you do so comfortably?
DEBBIE: Í can now. I feel a lot more com-
fortable, especially with the guy I'm dat-
ing now. He's great. He'll say, "Do you like
this? Should I keep doing this? Should I
do something different?” And he says,
“Touch me the way you want me to touch
you.”
хаскі: But you have to be ina relationship
before you can feel comfortable saying,
“Here, do this."
сап: Г definitely know what I like and
what I don't like, and my boyfriend hap-
pens to be the most considerate guy 1
know My roommate's boyfriend—she
lived with him for three years—never
did stuff that she really wanted, like oral
sex. She performed oral sex on him, but
he never performed it on her. Never.
Well, maybe once іп a drunken stupor.
My boyfriend—even if he comes when he
can't control himself—always makes sure
that I’m satisfied, too.
рілувоу: Do you all know about your
friends’ sex lives?

(continued on page 166)

“Get rid of the flower, Janice—it makes you look like a tart.”

121

GIRLS or ru:
SOUTHEASTERN

CONFERENCE

FROM THE SULTRY BAYOUS ТО
BLUEGRASS COUNTRY—THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL BEVY OF

BELLES YOU'VE EVER SEEN

all love the South. So maybe we were just looking for excuses
when we noted that Atl nd New Orleans had hosted the 1988 polit-
ical conventions, that Universal Studios had decided to move іп on
Florida and that Kim Basinger
Well, we buckled unde:

ad actually bought her home town in

puth was on some sort of y

early, the

Georg

on the action. But how? “Why dont we do another
Southern-girls pictorial?” someone piped up. “Remember the hit we had in
7812” Indeed. that was the year our photographers de:
marching through the ten universities that make up the N. A. s Southeast-

ern Conference—Auburn, Vanderbilt, Mississippi State, and the Universities of Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Missis-
sippi and Tennessee. That little trip yielded us not one but two pictorials (Girls of the Southeastern Conference, September and
October 1981), as well as enthusiastic whoops and hollers from Confederates and Yankees nationwide. But that was then and this is
ight years later? We conferred with two of our most
whose last mission had

and we wanted to get

ended on Dixie,

now, Could we actually pull off a successful encore at the very same schools—
David C

a and David Месе

trusted generals—Conuiburing Phowgiaph

been the scrappy but gloriously victorious Girls of the Big East (April). No sooner had we posed the idea
па did they fare well? Did they ever!
Over the next 12 pages, you'll
see 45 ladies who could melt even
the stoniest of Northerners with
little more than a bat of their

to them than Chan and Месеу were suited up and headed South. А

in his own soft Texas drawl, “South-

ern women are consistently the

most exquisite in the country, with

perfectly chiseled features and

bodies they're proud to show
off” Dont believe him. eh? Then
just keep turnin’ the pages, yall.

Hello from the Southeastern Conference! Your pedal-
powered welcome wagon features coeds (opposite,
from left) Lisa Blumen, Yvonne Davidson, Debra Evans
and Laura Hayes Meadows—four beauties from the
University of Tennessee. Less attired but no less lovely
is LSU's Elizabeth Tucker (left), a native of Shreveport,
Louisiana. A sports enthusiast with a slight crush on
Mel Gibson, Elizabeth plans one day to have her own
talk show. Meet Lin Lumpuy (top) and Stacey New-
some (above), a dynamite duo from the University of
Alabama. Originally from Caracas, Venezuela, Lin is
determined to take on the American dream and be-
come a successful corporate executive. Stacey, mean-
while, is a born-and-bred Alabamian with one very
un-Southern quality: She can't stand country music.

123

Nivers;

u
TE

NNESSE:

When not target shooting, canoeing or tear-
ing around Baton Rouge on a motorcycle,
LSU's Marcella Duke (left) can be found
keeping an eye peeled for her dream
man—especially one with long hair"
Stand up and cheer for Kelly Love Kra-
jewski (above), a member of LSU's national-
championship cheerleading squad. Kelly
spends her nonpompon hours booking
modeling gigs or catching up on the latest
Stephen King novel. Here's a tip for gen-
Четеп callers of Tennessee's Michelle
Bradley (below): she likes 10 be court-
ed the old-fashioned way—courteously.

Meet Maria Valens (above), an Army brat
from Auburn University. Born in Frankfurt,
West Germany, and raised for a while in
Korea, Maria digs the idea of digging for a
living—archaeologically, that is. Also from
Auburn is Amy Eckman (below), ajunior with
a penchant for the outdoors. Torn jeans not-
withstanding. Amy is bent on becomina а

“reputable fashion designer.” And here’s 1)
of Alabama’s Sharon Lissa Bare (right), a
would-be television broadcaster originally
from Heerlen, Holland. Tempting as it may
be, let's skip the puns and just say that
Sharon lives up to her surname quite nicely.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN AND DAVID MECEY

UT's Annie Johnson (above) is a gymnast who fancies late-night breakfasts and early-morning bed lounging. Her only peeve
is something we can't quite figure out: "I get tense when people spray cold water пп me " Hmmmm. Below left is LSU's Laura

Whittington, an art enthusiast determined to become a tycoon on the gallery circuit. Her other dream: "To put an end to the
dumb-blonde stereotype.” Below Laura is Vanderbilt's Katherine Hands, a clubhopper working toward her M.B.A. Justto make
sure a future in the finance world isn't too sobering, Katherine is on the lookout for "a man who can make me laugh." Also
aiming ata business career is LSU's Jennifer Adams (below right). While she dreams of owning an ай agency, the German-born
sophomore likes to bide time with guys who enjoy doing special things for her—"like bringing me flowers for no reason.”

Above left is the Ц of Alabama's Nancy Ree. We asked Nancy what she liked most in life (try to find our favorite part of her
answer): “Friendly people, nice smiles and vanilla body cream." At the ripe old ace of 20. the U of Georgia's Kelly Gilstrap (top

right) has done it all—from helping recruit football players for the Bulldogs to winning a stereo on The Price Is Right. What's
next for the energetic senior? "To move up the corporate ladder." Rainy days and poetry delight Squeak Foster (above right),
а U of Florida student originally from Connecticut. Her philosophy of life delights us: “Оо what makes you happy—no matter
what anyone else says!” From the U of Mississippi comes Anna Rolf (below), a 5*11"-anc-still-growing math honor-society
member. Scholastic excellence and intense figures seem to run in Anna's family: Her dad is an Ole Miss math professor.

You name it апа Vanderbilt's Раша Piskie (above left) likes it—sun-bathing, traveling, golf ("Even though I can't play"). But
what does she enjoy most? Her "best friends" relationship with her mom. From Kentucky are (above right. from left): Kristy
Santos, Janna Abell and Mary Courtney Elam. Talk about ambitious: Kristy's going after her medical degree, Janna's headed
for PR and Mary plans to practice law. Then there's Nichelle Busch (below), arguably Florida's prettiest finance student.
It's refreshing to note that, when not crunching numbers, Nichelle prefers the simpler things in life: sunsets and pizza.

Should Georgia's Lisa
Riente (left realize her
dream of becoming a jour
nalist, you can bet she won't
be among the tabloid gang.
Says Lisa, "1 don't like gos-
Sipy people." From Canton.
China, to Mississippi State
comes Keri Taylor (right), а
business student who's а
pushover for men in uniform.
Fair warning, though, to
overaggressive suitors: Keri
also knows her martial arts.

Once you catch your breath
from the U of Tennessee's
Kimberly lles (left), catch
this: The Knoxville knock-
out loves "surfer dudes and
soccer players with long.
strong legs." Anyone qual-
ify? Don't overlook Ole
Miss's young miss Michelle
White (above) and Geor-
gia's Christy Beavers
(below). Both native South-
erners, Michelle likes ro-
mance books and French
fries, while Christy gets
jazzed at the idea of be-
coming a TV sportscaster.

UK's Danielle Daine (below) comes from a "deeply religious family," but she's no
Bible Belt conservative. A lover of "nice cars and sexy men,' Danielle hopes to
become a rock-video star. Mississippi State's Jennifer Mackey (below right) also
loves music—nct to mention wine, chocolate and her boyfriend. Her goal: “То
become a judge." And Connecticut Yankee Louise Santopolo (bottom right) has
adapted to the Florida scene: A diehard beach girl, she's crazy about scuba diving.

Be honest: Whom would you rather watch on Saturday afternoon: the real Mississippi State Bulldogs or the beautiful
minisquad assembled here (opposite, top)? For the record, the members of this lively quintet are (from left) Kimberly Kowalke,
Shanen Dean, Marcella Baker, Lesley Warwick and Carla Crudup. Back atthe U of Florida, journalism major Michelle Ashley
(near right) has put in time as a reporter for a local cable-TV station. More accustomed to being the interviewer, Michelle did
reveal the answer to the question most often put to her: "Yes, | am a real redhead." Also from the U of F is Laura Fairchild
(far right), a research chemist working toward her Ph.D. in pharmacology. We think her shot here is the perfect Rx.

ка
у жей. d
FAN NNI E

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Jennifer Fauver (right) ar-
rived at UK from Wyoming,
andinstantly won the hearts
оі Kappa Sigma fraternity,
which named her its
Sweetheart. Still, Jennifer's
best pals are her kid
brother and a pet iguana.
Georgia's student model
Wendy Christine (below) is
also a model student—
going after a master's in
marketing. Her dad should
be proud: Hes veep of
Borden's Snack Division.

The sky's the limit for Auburn's Erica Duh
(below). Planning on opening her own Баг
or weight gym, the Chicago native likes
to busy herself at the beach—water-
skiing and trying not to study. Finally, meet
Melissa Evridge (right), who's a model
from Kentucky—at least for the moment.
She's going for broke—‘soaps, music
videos. the works'—and if she gets her

big break, it's bye-bye, books, hello, fame.

GEEN

Ох; winning actress Geena Davis met

Ош Contributing Editor David.
Rensin wearing a yellow dress with a tiny
print, her long, curly locks, seen in “Beetle-
Juice” "The Accidental Tourist” and
“Earth Girls Are Easy,” replaced with a
new haircut in a singular shade of red.
When lunch arrived—a turkey sandwich
and potato chips—Geena set it on the car
pet in front of the couch. From time to time,
she cast an eye in its direction. "I bet you'll
write, "She kept staring al the turkey sand-
wich,” she said.

PLAYBOY: America got its first peek at you
in Totsie—in your underwear. Is that
how you imagined your big break?

Davis: When I went to the audition, they
said, “It's a movie with Dustin Hoffman"
and 1 said, “Right, fat chance.” So I was
just fooling around. I had no idea that it
would pan out. It was one of those fabu-
lous life experiences. [Pauses] ПУ not
been the same since. Гус had great parts,
but that was the only time in my life that
I'd wake up every morning and say, “Oh,
yeah, 1 get to go work on the moviel" It
was absolutely like when you're in love
and you're just fioating and everything is
wonderful and your whole life is perfect.

2.
PLAYBOY: After studying acting in college,

you went to New
Ed
the uneasy оо vise
a gal see in the big
earth girl a? i
pawis: Га always
brags about d to ке Б
play оп Broadway.
her parallel ТШ ое а
+1 that it. u
Parking, ek вото
plains the |11 would just
you're wel-
come” note
and describes
the glamour of
2 las vegas
wedding

go nus and it

would be the most.
PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHRIS CALLIS

fabulous thing ev-
er. And І was so
disappointed. 1
thought, 1/5 bor-
ing and regular
and Ive already
seen plays that
werc as good as
this. Broadway it-
self seemed crum-
and dirty. ОГ
Га never
been to New York
before. After Га

lived there awhile, 1 loved it and every-
thing about it. [Pauses] There have been
a few things that Га fantasized would be
so fabulous and so ga-lamourous that I'd
be blown away. Las Vegas was another. I
had some image from the movies that
there would be people in evening gowns
throwing dice and stuff, but it was more
like a Greyhound bus station.

PLAYHOY: Describe the magic of a Las Ve-
gas wedding—yours, for instance, to ас-
tor Jeff Goldblum.
Davis: It was Jeff's birthday a few days be-
fore and we wanted to go somewhere
we'd never been and have this fabulously
exciting time that would blow our minds.
We got there and were instantly and un-
utterably depressed about how it looked:
It wasnt even groups of people having
fun and betting and screaming; it was
single people not speaking to anybody,
just grim and very depressing. Then we
had this very depressing dinner and we
couldn't think of what to do next. Should
we see a show, or would that depress us,
too? And then some friends we were with
said, “Why don't you get married? Or at
least we'll go see what the wedding place
is like.” Later, when they started leading
us to the altar, I started crying [smiles].
But at the time, it seemed the thing to do
to try to whip some excitement into this
weekend. Then we became terrifically
excited and ended the evening just
screaming.

PLAYBOY: Your home decor includes life-
sized-cow and giant-chicken sculptures.
Explain your barnyard obsession.

pavis: Im fascinated with large things
and funny things, things that look like
cartoons. І got the cow first. Jeff gave it to
me for Christmas. One Christmas morn-
ing a couple of years ago, 1 was looking
for my present. It wasn't under the tree.
Jeff said it was being delivered. And 1
started thinking, Oh, boy, it’s big, and 1
love large presents. Pretty soon, this big
cow's head started coming through the
door. I'd seen this fiberglass cow when I
was driving about six months before and
Га said, “Guess what? There's this cow
оп the street and you can buy it.” Jeff
didn't seem that enthusiastic, but he re-
membered. Then another day, we were
driving down Melrose іп two cars, and
in front of one store, 1 saw the big chick-
en. Its about eight and a half feet tall. I
started honking at Jeff: "Hey, hey, hey!

Pull over." I said, “That chicken—we got-
ta go buy it.” I don't know what Jeff was
thinking about, but I was very deter-
mined.

PLAYBOY: Any other animals you want to
add to the collection?

Davis: [ve seen horses, but I don't know;
it’s got to have а certain something that
strikes me. A big duck or something
would be good [smiles]. Actually, there's a
dinosaur I've seen on the Columbia [Pic-
tures] Ranch [used for location shoot-
ing]. Its about two stories high, а
Tyrannosaurus, and it's all messed up.
But I had an idea how to get it and told
Jeff, ^I bet if we told Columbia we'd fix it
up if they'd lend it to us, and they could
borrow it back any time they wanted,
we'd get и. We could put it behind the
guesthouse so it's rising over the top. It
would really scare the shit out of people.”

PLAYBOY: You're a confessed catalog freak.
Which are your favorites?

pavis: I like the ones with gadgets, like
Hammacher Schlemmer. Once 1 got
some pasta forks—and this is not a gag
item, which is the sick thing—that you
stick into the pasta and you turn this lit-
tle crank on the top and it spins the fork
part around. And it says in the catalog,
“Helpful for people who are not that co-
ordinated." Well, who can't spin a fork

around? 1 don't keep catalogs. I get them,
I look, right away, I chuck ‘ет. Now that
I've become an expert, I know immedi-
ately which ones I don't want. I literally
get about twenty-five catalogs per day—a
giant stack. If there's something I like, I
hi

the speakerphone and order with the
ight-hundred number, because I know
my credit card by heart. Then I trash
them. Its very demoralizing to Jeff, be-
cause he feels that he gets no mail. It
scems Ше every day, the U.PS. guy, Nick,
comes around ten and there’s something
that I ordered several weeks before-
and by then, I've no idea what it is. So it's
like presents every da: really fun.

PLAYBOY: What's your secret vice?

pois: 1 like scaring people. I like scaring
Jeff. I сап remember scaring people a lot
growing up. I have an elbow that bends
the wrong way, and Га do things like
stand in an elevator and the doors would
close and Га pretend that my arm had
got caught in it and then ГА scream, "Ow,

PLAYBOY

ом, put it back!” 1 enjoy shocking people.
They, possibly, expect me to be sort of nice
or ladylike. So I like to try to turn that
around. My favorite thing that happened,
ever, was when Jeff and 1 were in an eleva-
tor and he had the hiccups. You know how
ou always go "Boo" at somebody who has

the hiccups and that never works? But 1
took him completely by surprise. 1 was

leaning very casually against the wall, and
then I threw myself in his face, scream
“Boo,” and he almost had a heart attack
nd it cured his hiccups. And thats the
truth.

PLAYBOY: You and Jeff met on the film Tran-
sylvania 6-5000. How did you know it was.
love and not just another on-the-set fling?
Davis: Pd never fallen in love with anybody
оп the set before, so I didn't know, There
was something about Jefl—beyond its hap-
pening on a set. It was the one time in my
life that I looked at somebody and instant-
ly thought, Well, fine, this is The Guy. It
kind of remarkable, And he claims
that the same thing happened for him. He
says that he took one look at me and was
stanly mad—thinking, Heres some-
body I could really like and 1 know she's
not going to like me and Em furious. So he
was very cool toward me in the beginning.
which, of course, | found very attractive. I
was having fits of terrific shyness. Crip-
pling shyness. I couldn't even carry on a
h him and it was very cm-
issing, because I was thinking, God, I
really like this guy, but I was just mum-
bling into my chest all the time, and he was
probably thinking, See, she doesn’t like me.
Fi when I was just stammering and
trying to answer something he'd asked me,
1 said, “Please bear with me, because In
not always like this. You'll sce." Now he says
when I said that, he didn't realize how dif-
ferent Га be. “Remember those days you
were so completely different, honey

PLAVBOY: As a two-actor family, how do you
handle the long separations when one or
both of you are on location?

pavis: If I'm free, I sometimes go where
Jeff is and try to spend as much time with
him as I can, But it also makes me crazy. I
have fits that last weeks, All day long, DIL
wear my bathrobe and sit around the hotel
room. Um not one of those people who
want to uncover a city, someone who buys
the guidebooks and hits all the art gal-
leries. Nope. 1 order room service and
ich foreign game shows and get very de-
pressed.

10.

rLavsoy: Have you ever bought the hotel
bathrobe?

Davis: Yeah. J have one from the Savoy and
one from the Ritz Carlton. I buy them only
if they have long sleeves; I hate it when
they're really short. Or high waisted.

When the belt loops are too high, its very
annoying.

и.

вилувоу: What movie do you think best de-
scribes your life with Jefi?

Davis: Isnt it obvious? Рес-иеез Big Aduen-
ture!

12.

PLAYBOY: You've said that you sometimes al-
ter yourself to make others like you. Do
people make you nervous?

pavis: People who appear terrifically self-
confident make me feel insecure. If I meet
somehody who's terrifically self-possessed,
1 start feeling embarrassed, like, Oh, no,
they're not going to think that I'm self-
possessed like they are. Pm going to sccm
like a jerk. So in case you run into me at the
store and want to intimidate me, just start
acting very self- possessed [laughs]

13.

г лувоу: When is it best to lie in Holly-
wood?

Davis: If it’s job related, constantly and as
much as possible. Whatever will help. IF
there's a way that you think will help you
get a part, then use it. I've done all that.
Гуе said I can do anything. [Pauses] Of
course, 1 haven't actually had to lie too
much to get parts. In fact, I've had to do it
less in acting than I did in modeling. I lied
a lot in modeling; I learned right away that
you should say anything— make up height
or age or weight or size. I remember I was
trying to get into runway modeling and
hadirt had much succ Then I went oa
mceting for a fashion show. They said it
would have a Western theme, so 1 said,
“Thats fabulous, because I did a pla
college about Western stuff "—which |
had—“and | know how to twirl guns”
Which was very far from the truth. I could
spin it once and Hip it into the holster, but
twirling guns is a whole thing. But these
people said, "Oh, my God, that's fabu-
lous!” and called my agency and hired me.
Turned out I was working with the top
models, Iman and Jerry Hall. And the only
reason they took me was that I said I could
twirl guns. I was going to be the big finale.
So 1 rented a gun and with only a week lefi
before the show, I tried to learn to twirl. 1
practiced and practiced—until I finally
wore all the skin off finger and it was a

bloody, blistered mess. But then I thought,

Maybe this is good. I can say, “See my
finger? I с twirl a gun. Ordinarily, 1
сап, but now I cant” I showed them my
finger, but they said, “Forget it; you're do-
ing it anyway" and they put some tape
around it, So | went out. I wore this outfit
of white fur chaps and a Lone Ranger
mask. They'd put blanks in the gun. I spun
it a couple of times and 1 shot it off and
whooped a bit and got by. Fortunately, по-
body said at the end, "So whats this about

PLAYBOY: Were always hearing how tall

and future beauties—don't get
dates in high school because they're so
much bigger than most of the boys. Tell us

what tall girls do with time to kill.

Davis: [Sighs] Yeah. I was the tallest girl in
my high school, without even a tall friend
with whom to commiserate. Actually, there
was one girl—a friend—who was almost as

tall, but she was very popular with the boys,
She knew

so go figure. It really wasnt fa
how to wear make-up and had (|
thick straight hair that was so popu
back then. I was disappointed; I felt bad. 1
did a lot of stuffin my room to keep myself
entertained. I made things. I had all these
projects that I was constantly starting and
never finishing. For a while, I thought I
wanted to make leather belts, so I got one
of those riveter machines and a hole
puncher. I made belts for a few months. I
also painted—on my wall—a copy of a Pe-
ter Max poster. Из still there, at my par-
ents’ house.

15.

PLAYBOY: If you meet someone at a party
and you know you know him. yet you've
forgotten his name, what do you do?

avis: That's my worst nightmare, because
happens all the time. If Tm walking
down the street and 1 hear somebody be-
hind me say, “Geena,” my heart sinks, be-
cause | know its going to be somebody
whose name 1 dont know. 1 almost dont
want to go out. Its gotten to a point now.
where, since I know this about myself, 1
panic—and that definitely makes me forget
people's names, The other day, I was hav-
ing lunch with a girlfriend and somebody
ame up to the table and I started panick-
ng and I thought, OK, I know who this is,
calm down. And by the ume she got there,
I'd remembered her name. I was so happy.
And I said to her, “Oh, so-and-so, how nice
to see vou . . . and this is my friend.
And Га forgotten my luncheon compan-
ion’s name. And this was someone I'd gone
to college with. A very good friend of
mine.

16.

PLAYBOY: You once said that The Accidental
Tourist was your favorite book. Has any-
thing taken its place?

pavis: A Brief History of Time, by Stephen
Hawking. I even wrote him a fan lettei
the first fan letter Гуе ever written. I was
hoping he'd write me back. [Pauses] OK,
now 1 know how it feels when people write
me a letter. Anyway, 1 wrote because of
something he says in the book: When you
want to find out where a particle is, you
have to shine a light on it; and by shining a
light on it, it moves. So you'll neyer know
where it was in the first place. So 1 wrote,
“But don't you think you will be able to
figure it out someday, because if the only
way you have to measure it is by shining a
light on it, maybe you'll think of another

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PLAYBOY

way to measure it? Maybe there'll be some-
thing you cant even think of at this point;
a different way to measure it by, oh, зау,
radiation it gives off? Dont you think
[Laughs] I must have had a fantasy that
he'd write back and say, “Oh, my God! You
have done it! Now it’s all coming together
for me!”

17.

pLavsoy: What do you get about life that
others don't?

payis: I'm not so sure that | have stuff
figured out that other people don't. Gee,
life, for me, is just getting better all the
time, and I'm getting happier all the time.
Из growing up. Maturity, for me, is happi-
ness, somehow. I never thought
ing to be that way when I was a ki
like childhood was supposed to be fun;
you have a cool bike and stuff. Buta lot of it
wasn't fun. A lot of it was unattractive and
hard. 1 [heavy sigh], 1 felt a lot of pressure.
And responsibility got me down a lot. It all
seemed kind of hard. But people would al-
ways say, "Wait until you're an adult; it's
hell; you'll have a lot more responsibility:
And I thought, Man, I'm not sure I want to
grow up, because it's gonna be just like
this, only worse, and I'm not looking for-
ward to it. It will be like this, plus ГИ have
to write checks and balance my checkbook.
But, in fact, just the opposite thing has
happened. Adult life is exciting. I just want
more. I want to be more aware and respo
sible and alive and involved and in charge
of making things happen for myself and
steering my life.

18.

rLaynoy: How well can you parallel-park?
Davis: How did you know? Why did you ask

this question? I would enter a contest with
anybody, because I am a brilliant parallel-
parker. There's no thumping around and
trying again in my parking. In fact, I can
parallel-park brilliantly on the opposite
side of the street, too. I am also the best
perfectly straight backer-upper When 1
took driver's ed in high school, my teacher
said I was the best student he'd ever had.
So I told him my parking and backing-up
secrets, which he then used for the rest of
his career—I guess. I haven't kept іп touch
with him. He hasn't written me any thank-
you notes,

19.

PLAYBOY: To whom did you write your last
thank-you note, and why?

pavis: Í wrote а “you're welcome” note re-
cently—1 like to think of little inventions.
that could form a catalog, and this was one
idea I had. So I sent one to somebody who
had sent me a thank-you note. Do you want
to hear the verse? OK. It reads YOU'RE WEL-
соме оп the front in fancy script. And on
the inside, it reads, "Your thank you gave
such pleasure, / A lovely thing to do, / That
I must say, “Таз nothing,/ And youre
most welcome, too."

20.

Lavrov: What else do we need that youre
dying to invent?

Davis: The kind of stuff I invent nobody
needs at all. But maybe this one is a practi-

discourage the unsanitary habit of drink-
ing from the carton.

“Say, look at the healthy, life-supporting mammary glands
on that woman!"

Playboy Advisor
(continued from page 72)
believed that the point of life was collect-
stories. “I tell girls that I want to be an
epic poet. | try to convey an al
sensitive for prolonged periods.”
traveled through Germany with a buddy,
trying to pick up women with a phrase
book. They would sit in а саг rehea
the three lines that seemed to work:
you help me change the oil?” "Do you live
alone?" "May we follow you home?"

Did it work? A girl had heard them re-
hearsing, interrupted and invited them
home.

Sometimes things just happen. “You
want to hear about my hottest sexual act?
Two girls had been drinking downtown
and stumbled into my room by mistake. 1
put on some music and we started making
out. [ knew I had to control myself. The
minute I came, it would be over. I paced
myself."

So how did it go?

“I lasted an hour and a half, long
enough so both girls had time to go to the
bathroom and throw up."

Who says romance is dead?

The lecture tour has taken me through
the Bible Belt, through the Midwest, the
Northwest and places I can't find on the
map. There are regional differences іп
how Americans treat sex and sex roles.

In the Seattle airport was a soldier
whose lower face had been horribly
burned in a recent accident. The skin was
still molten rivulets of plastic. Freddy in А
Nightmare on Elm Street. 1 had to ask. He
had gotten into a bar contest that involved
tossing back shot glasses of flaming alco-
hol. His hand had slipped. It was a warn-
ing that 1 was headed into the seriously
macho region of the country.

That night, at a university in Bozeman,
Montana, a student scoffed at the AIDS
epidemic. "We dont like gays here in Mon-
tana. We kill em.”

"What do you do? Shoot them?"

"Hell, по, We lynch ‘ет. We save our am-
mo for important things."

"Such as?”

"Road signs”

If you came of age in the countcrcul-
ture, surfing the wave in the population
curve known as the baby boom, there
seemed to be a single sexual culture, a
sense of shared adventure. That moment
has passed, and in the resulting ebb, I've
encountered all sorts of eclectic sexual atti-
tudes, I met a woman who had learned sex
at her parents’ commune, by watching the
baby sitters couple in front of a fire. Anoth-
er woman had been forbidden to play
touch football, because her parents did not
want her to become accustomed to touch.

In southwest Minnesota, I walked past
about 20-year-old brick dormitories with
names such as Ocean Boulevard and

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Charisma. Two guys were parking motor-
cycles in front of a dorm. I asked if they
had named the dorms. "No, the first occu-
pants did. Why?

“Well, you have a dorm named after the
Kama Sutra."

“What's that?”

"It's a two-thousand-ycar-old sex manu-
al, the record label that the Lovin’ Spoon-
ful recorded on or a body oil used for
erotic massage."

“Oh, ne:

I had found the high-water mark of the
sexual revolution, laid bare by а receding
tide. “И was twenty years ago toda
Sergeant Pepper taught the band to pla!

PLAYBOY

College is where you escape parental su-
pervision for the first time. If there is
weirdness, this is where it reveals itself, the
psychic baggage your parents packed
when they sent you away. At Butler, in Indi-
anapolis, a flasher had been working the
dorms and sorority houses for the first few
weeks of school. He would stand outside a
window, holding a flashlight on his erec-
tion, masturbating. I told the women to
sleep with a flashlight so they could yell,
“Wait a minute. ГИ get my light and help
you look for your penis, too.”

At the University of Arkansas at Little
Rock, a student asked, “What do you think
of hypnosis and sex?” L gave а skeptics an-
swer, that some therapist used it to plant
the suggestion that sex was desirable, but if
he were doing amateur hypnosis, then
probably all he was duing was giving his
dates a chance to preview the evening with
their eyes closed.

“No, you don't understand. I use hypno-
sis to help me fulfill my sexual fantasies. í
also use black magic."

I was still flippant, riding the adrenaline
from the lectu Hey, you don't need
hypnosis or magic to get what you want
sexually. Гуе gotten by on good manners
and decent dinner conversation for years,
and there are some people who would
question the manners.”

And then I looked at his eyes: your basic
Charles Manson, ‘Ted Bundy laser discs.
The kid walked away with a shrug that said
I would never understand. I woke up the
next morning thinking of those eyes and
wondering what fantasies he had in mind.

When I say that 1 am like a Rorschach
ink blot, consider something as simple as
the poster that usually announces my lec-
tures. I send a copy of the illustration that
accompanied my first campus-tour article,
The poster is based on circus posters: Lam
shown in a ringmasters outfit. stepping
through a hoop with Rabbit Heads on ei-
ther side, with a microphone in hand. The
copy across the bottom proclaims: LEARN
THE CHINESE BASKET TRICK AND OTHER SECRET
ORIENTAL TECHNIQUES. THE G SPOT. THE Y SPOT.
THE МЕТ SPOT. Some colleges consider it too
flamboyant and refuse to use it. Its all
right to talk about sex; you just can't laugh

149 about it, Other colleges censor the poster,

for one reason or another. A community
college president in Spokane was offended.
by the references to the G spot and the Y
spot—though he couldnt have possibly
known what the Y spot was, since I'd in-
vented it. In Appalachia, a feminist profes-
sor woke from a troubled sleep and
roamed the campus at three am., tearing
down my posters. She thought that the il-
lustration was subliminally sexist—that I
was emerging from a vagina, that the cord
of the microphone symbolized a bullwhip.
In New Orleans, an Asian feminist cen-
sored the reference to the Chinese basket
trick, claiming that it used her ethnic tra-
dition to sell a lecture on sex, that it cele-
brated a stereotype that Oriental women
were somehow exotic, a tradition that had
led to the exploitation of her sisters.

The poster wars came to а head at Lovi-
siana Tech University, in Ruston. The local
Campus Crusade for Christ was concerned
about my visit. It had gone around cam-
pus covering my poster with one of Amy
Grant. While I am just as happy as the next
guy to һауе Amy Grant plastered over my
face, her posters were a different size. The
bottom line of my poster, the one that an-
nounced that my lecture was R rated, was
still visible, producing an event that bog-
gled the mind: Amy Grant, R rated. Was
America's vestal virgin into strip Gospel?

The Campus Crusade for Christ had
gone into the lecture hall, placing Gideon
Bibles and little recruiting pamphlets on
the seats:

Тһе real purpose of Life. A person
goesto school and he eventually grad-
vates, marries, gets a job, has a family,
buys a house, sends his children
through school, continues to work,
eventually retires, dies. 15 this all
there is to life? Something seems
wrong. What is it?

"Тһе Chinese basket trick? | thanked the
members of the Crusade for the gesture,
told them I would return on Sunday to
place Gideon condoms in the pews of the
local church.

All of this would have been simply amus-
ing, except that before the lecture, stu-
dents had milled around outside the hall,
discussing whether it was safe to be seen at
alecture on sex. “I can't go in there. What
if there are cameras? What if someone
takes pictures?”

At SMU іп Dallas, I heard a story that
put my own views of sex into perspective.
А group of students took те to a burger-
and-cheese-fries place, jammed into а
booth and talked. One of the students had
arrived in an immaculate 1967 powder-
blue Mustang.

“That's some car.”

“It was my grandfather's. He ga
my father. My father gave it to m:

1 was impressed. “A car like that comes
with some responsibility. Have you ever
had an accident?”

“Senior year. I did six hundred dollars’

worth of sheet-metal damage to the front
fender. My father, brother and 1 decided it
Was an excuse to restore the car. We spent
all summer bringing it up to cherry.”

“Do you adopt?

"That night, the lecture was picketed by
two women. Since the school has a policy
that lecturers should not have to cross
picket lines. the women handed out their
literature in the restroom outside the lec-
ture hall. They had, at least, a room of
their own. Here’s what they passed out:

Are we really so blind? We are
flocking to listen to a speaker from a
soft-porn company and at the same
time crying out in pain and anger at
child abuse and women being raped.
‘There is a connection between a per-
son's thoughts and his or her actions.
‘The women and children will eventu-
ally be the victims of this freedom to
pollute our minds. . . . I believe that if
every man who loved at least one
woman would make the connection
between that woman and the per-
son portrayed in the pornography,
we would sce a change. The loved
one, be she aunt or daughter, could be
the next victim. . . . IF the straight
people would stop giving their dollars
and time to pornography, maybe the
perverts could not support the in-
dustry sufficiently to enable it to be
readily accepted as a source for an ed-
ucation speaker on a college campus.
The choice is always ours, but maybe
the same people who shouted “Die,
Bundy, die!” will someday shout “Die,
apathetic listener, die!”

“Die, apathetic listener, di It does
have a certain ring to it, don't you think?
Тһе author wanted to punish curiosity
with 50,000 volts,

I'm driving to the University of New Or-
leans, down Airline Highway, where Jim-
my Swaggart came to play, My hostess is
the stand-up improv energy queen of New
Orleans. We cruise past posters for David
Duke for state representative. Down here,
the К.К.К. is as much of a stain on your
past as four years in the boy scouts. We talk
about the telegenic litte twerp taking
pride in how normal he can make himself
appear. Ten years after being Grand Wi
ard of the K.K.K., Duke is one of the boys.

We talk about AIDS: 1 tell her that oral
sex does not seem to transmit AIDS. My
guide replies, “Good. 1 don't like going
down on Tupperware.”

She is a fabulous character who likes to
hang out at gay cabarets, where perform-
ers sing The Streetcar Named Iguana
Doesn't Live Here Anymore. She spoke of a
Mardi Gras ball where “I had so many
rhinestones you could have melted me
down for a sliding glass door.” The origi-
nal heterosexual poster child, she spots a
nice-looking guy and screams, “Be still,
my gonads.” She says that the one way to
appreciate New Orleans is to go with the

pagcantry of it all.

The student center is a concrete cathe-
dral. As I walked around the mezzanine to
my room, | passed a small classroom,
darkened. A slide of Job wrestling with ап
angelic being flashed on the wall. The lec-
turer stood silhouetted. The next slide was
okey the Bear illustration of the tree
he roots were original sin, the
trunk biological sin, giving way to histori-
cal sin, then community sin before finally
branching into individual sin. It was a dis-
turbing image: shadows in front of a
brightly lit image of man’s inherent bad-
s. I looked at the tree and thought,
Great place to have а picnic. I spread a
blanket and gave my lecture.

Outside the lec-
ture hall at. Xavier
University, a Jesuit
institution іп Cin-
cinnati, girls wear
green T-shirts with
the slogan Ask ME
ABOUT SEX. Green, 1
am told, because
certain well-known
chocolate candies, 2
least the green-coat-
ей ones, аге consid-
етед aphrodisiacs.
Oh. Аса ll ta
ble, three feminis
conduct a slide
show. The projector
flashes images of
child-abuse victims,
images from ads,
while the sound
track blares quotes
from rapists, quotes
from Sister Gloria,
Sister Robin and Sis-
ter Judith, Watching
the parade of vio-
lence is like sticking
acattle prod in your
eye, which is the
point. The feminist
victim rap is the toll-
booth you һауе to
pass before you get
an unapologetic lec-

re on sex.

с to laugh: The only mention of
Playboyin the slide show isa shot ofa cover.
"The narrator says, "Look how Playboy jux-
taposes images of sexy young women with
the cover line BLOOD! GORE! Goo!” The cover
line promotes a Stephen King interview.

“Sort of stretching it, aren't you? If you
think that reading an interview with an
author within a few dozen pages of a pic-
ture of a nude girl is dangerous, why not
go all the way and say that your male com-
pa cant have sex within twenty-four
hours of reading a Stephen King novel or
within five hours of watching the six-
o'clock news, or would that strike even you
as profoundly silly?”

I usually start the lecture by asking the

students, at the count of three, to make the
noise they make when they reach orgasm
"The students of Xavier maintain complete
silence. Welcome to the monastery.

The school had arranged for me to be
part of a sex-exploration week, with seg-
ments on date rape, venereal disease, ac-
quaintance rape, AIDS and, finally, me.
The driver's-cd approach to sex ed: Scare
them with pictures of highway fatalities,
and then teach them how to find first gear.
But 1 was controversial enough that the
school felt obligated to have a deprograr
ing session immediately after the lecture.

One guy asked the victims of my lecture,
“Why such an emphasis on pleasure? 1
counted words. He sa
times, masturbation

chastity zero times, love once and
monogamy once, in the context of AIDS.”

Here, for his benefit, is the Chinese
chastity trick. You hang a basket from the
ceiling, The woman takes off her clothes
and climbs into it. You place the basket
over the favorite part of your body and
slowly raise the woman to the ceiling,
where she remains for the rest of her life.

The school’s sexuality instructor was
next: “1 don't believe there was а sexual
revolution. It was a hoax. No one is happier
because of what happened. The percent-
age of men who experience premarital sex
hasn't changed since 1900. The percentage
of women has increased slightly. It used to
be that sluts serviced whole fleets of men.

‘Today, it exists in relationships.”

A feminist, quivering with anger, was
outraged that people were calmly accept-
ing my appearance. “The neutrality is
dangerous to women. When there is so
much violation, when date rape is on the
increase, we cant be neutral.

A female student, quivering with
courage, stood up: “I personally voted for
him to come. It was never as an expert; it
was as a writer of advice. I feel that the
week should be devoted to sexual awa
ness, not to the pornography debate. The
two are separate issues.”

Afterward, a young woman cruised past
and sniffed, “What kind of animals read
your magazine?

“Ask your father. Ask your brother.”

“How dare you
say anything about
my father? He exists
on a moral plane
you cant even com-
prehend.

“Oh, he
Hustler."

She shattered and
ran from the rooni

reads

Another woman
took her place:
“1 think your speech

trivialized sex and
trivialized women.”
“Quick, use the
word trivialize in а
sentence that does
not indude sex or
women. Show me
what you mean by
the word in another
context. Show me
that you arent just
parroting feminist
rhetoric."

She shattered.
Pull. An older wom-
an suggested that 1
was showing hostili-
ty toward women.

“Why must Í han-
dle slander with kid.
gloves? It's not that 1
weat women with
hostility; the ques-
tion is whether I
treat men who are gullible, imbecilic, cant-
spouting cretins differently. And the an-
swer is, I dont." Pull.

Penn State: After the lecture, we played
Sex in the Lobby. 1 had heard about this
from a director of student activities at
Northern Illinois University. Students get
together in their dorm, the women on one
side, the men on the other. student
can ask any member of the opposite sex a
question about sex. I wanted to see if it
worked. About 20 students sat in a circle. A
guy asked, "How would you like to be
treated the morning after?"

The responses ranged from “It changes
something. You have shared something

141

PLAYBOY

that is very much like a secret, and some-
thing in your glance should show that" to
“You don't always have to say something.
Sometimes, you sleep with someone as an
experiment. You've found out what you
wanted to know, then it's a matter of having
to pretend youre asleep until they leave."

A third woman said, “Yeah. Sometimes I
wake up and say, How am I going to party
with these guys again?"”

Guys? From that moment, every guy in
the room was auditioning.

There are some students who are not
afraid to talk about sex in public.

The College of DuPage is a white-collar
commuter college, servicing some 30,000
suburban kids. The front row was filled
with punk rockers, guys with purple mo-
hawks, six inches of razorback hair stick-
ing out of shaved skulls. “Tell me," I asked,
“when youre going down on your girl-
friend, doesn't the hair get there six inches
before you do?”

“Ask my girlfriend.”

The girlfriend just smiled.

Later, one of the punkers stood up in
front of a couple of hundred classmates
and asked, “Why, when a woman pulls
away during a blow job, can you have an
orgasm—contractions and everything —
but the rest of your body is numb? You
don't feel anything The orgasm doesn’t
reach your head.” His voice had a poignant
tone that enlisted great sympathy and,
possibly, changed behavior. Someone will-
ing to say what sex felt like for a guy.

Last fall, Dr. Gary K. Noble, deputy di-
rector of the Atlanta Centers for Disease
Control, had lunch with a bunch of re-
porters from the Gannett newspaper
chain. He mentioned that in the prelimi-
nary findings of a study of 90,000 blood
samples taken from 90 colleges, about
three out of 1000 college students tested
positive for HIV. The figure found its way

to campus newspapers, in some cases ris-
ing from three in 1000 to three іп 100.
What surprised me was how quickly the
figure became engraved in stone. (Months.
later, the official finding was 1.7 in 1000.)

At Knox College, a small conservative
institution in western Illinois, three wom-
en fiercely debated my assessment of the
odds of getting AIDS, culled from C.D.C.
figures and a report to The Journal of the
American Medical Association. They were
sure that one could get AIDS from oral sex
(quoting Masters and Johnson and Kolod-
пуз warning that flossing increases one's
vulnerability to the virus while ignoring
the less publicized study of gay men who
practice only oral sex, which concluded
that oral sex was a highly unlikely route of
transmission). 1 had the sense that for the
people who wanted to say no to sex, AIDS
had given them а bullhorn and a support-
ing choir. Flinging down the key to their
chastity belts, they delivered the coup de
grace: They knew for sure that there were
several students on campus with AIDS.

(I asked the dean of students if this were
true. He said it was absolutely false but that
the rumormongering was indicative of gay
bashing, a problem that had cropped up
оп campus.)

I allowed the three women to challenge
my assessment and tried to respond with
state-of-the-art studies. Finally, one of the
other women in the audience raised her
hand and said, “You could go on debating
this all night. Could you move on to the
other questions, the fun stuff?”

Part of this country wants very much to
get back to the fun stuff.

That polarization cropped up again and
again as I traveled through the South.
There were some people who embraced
the scare stories as reason to say no to sex
forever. They had a sense of righteousness
that could not be swayed with science.
Sometimes the stories were clearly apoc-

“By gosh—that commercial is aimed directly at us!”

ryphal: At Kearney State College, students
knew of two cases of AIDS. One was a 21-
year-old virgin who had slept with the
wrong guy once. (This information was
supposedly from a gay activist who had
traveled the state administering blood
tests—he had reportedly found seven
HIV-positives in Kearney, two of them stu-
dents. It was his job to tell them—he hadn't
told the 21-year-old woman yet.) I allowed
as how these cautionary tales probably had
no basis. After instructing students in safe
sex, condom usage and spermicidal foam,
I try to put AIDS into perspective.

"Look at your lives. Nowadays, they say
that because of AIDS, when you sleep with
someone, you sleep with every person that.
person has slept with for ten years. Ten
years ago, most of you were sleeping with
your Teddy bears. Unless Teddy was get-
ting butt-fucked in San Francisco, or was
shooting up smack with the cool dudes in
the South Bronx, he was clean. And if he
was, he deserves your compassion, not
your fear or wrath. Most of you can count
your partners on one hand; for some
of you, the only partner you've had is
your hand. Do you know where your hand
was last night? Be careful, but don't be
carried away. About fifty thousand people
die in traffic accidents a year. We don't
say, ‘Just say no to driving.’ We say, Here's
what you need to know to drive safely.”

At the University of Northern Colorado
at Greeley, the student committee re-enact-
€d the condom song it had performed at
the college vaudeville show. To the tune
of Under the Boardwalk, the group had
crooned, “Dont be silly / Don't be a sleaze /
Wear one to prevent disease.” One woman
showed me the condom dance—arms tight
against her side, neck hunched, waving
back and forth like a safe-sex penis. 1 can't
wait for these kids to have to answer their
kids’ question, “What did you do in college,
Daddy?”

At one school, two members of the Cam-
pus Crusade for Christ sat in the back row,
heads bowed, praying audibly for my soul,
“Don't pray for my soul,” I said, “pray for
my hair.”

At some point in the lecture, one mem-
ber rose and walked to the front of the
stage. The school security forces were at
his elbow, just like that, in the slow-motion
replay of Secret Service films. They had
sensed a threat and acted.

It turned out that the guy wanted to
read passages from the final report of
the Attorney General's Commission on
Pornography Both hands were dutching
the book as though it were the Bible,
which, to these guys, it is. And I am the
Salman Rushdie of sex.

As for me, it took about five minutes for
the adrenaline to subside. Of all the risk
sports I pursue, I never expected talking
about sex to be one of them.

KEITH RICHARDS

(continued from page 115)
music is that it has always seemed streaks
ahead of any other art form or any other
form of social expression. I've said this a
million times, but after air, food, water and
fucking, I think music is maybe the next
human necessity.

The myth in the Sixties was that it was
more than entertainment. But music is the
best communicator of all. And I doubt that
anybody would disagree, if they thought
about it, that a lot of the reason you've got
some sort of—I don't know whether you
wanna call it togetherness—anyway, some
major shifts in superpower situations in
the past few years probably has a lot to do
with the past twenty years of music.
PLAYBOY: There always is that wonderful
subversive quality about rock and roll, isn’t
there?

RICHARDS: It’s like the walls of Jericho
again

PLAYBOY: You had the honor of inducting
Chuck Berry into the Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame. What stands out in your mind
from that night?

RICHARDS: Watching the jam at the Hall of
Fame after the awards with Chuck Berry. I
went down to St. Louis to meet with Chuck
and talk about our deal over the movie 1
helped him with—Hail! Hail! Rock "n
Roll. You know, don't hit me again, Chuck,
because this time, you ain't gonna getaway
with it. There's a limit to hero worship.
PLAYBOY: When did Chuck hit you?
RICHARDS: Oh, a couple of years ago,
Chuck was leaving a New York night club. 1
walked up behind him and said, “Don't
rush off.” He turned and sucker-punched
me. Га known Chuck for twenty years be-
fore the movie and the best thing he'd ever
said to me м " So when he hit
me in the eye, I thought, Maybe he's really
serious.

PLAYBOY: He had something serious to
communicate?

RICHARDS: Yeah. So at his pad, Chuck
played me a video tape that he and a friend
had shot of the whole Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame jam session. Now, in his house,
Chuck Berry has one of those video pro-
jection machines with two big screens. One
constantly plays the Playboy Channel—
these chicks leaping around with their tits
out, throwing custard pies at one another
and, like, falling over logs and shit—while
the other screen plays whatever Chuck
wants to look at, But the Playboy Channel
is always there; he can always go 10 the
white tail.

PLAYBOY: The man has taste

RICHARDS: The cat's got stereo. Оп one side,
he put on this hall-of-fame video and it's
rocking. Chuck said, “Listen to that, Jack!"
He always called me Jack

PLAYBOY: You did the musical work for the
movie partly at your house in Jamaica.
How did Chuck like your house?

RICHARDS: He almost went into contortions,
like heart attacks. Very nervous. If you're
not on Chuck's patch, baby Chuck ain't.
in control of every situation, he's like a fish
out of water. It started at the airport when
I picked him up. He car't stand even not
driving; that's why he drives himself every-
where.

If it's his patch, he'll maneuver and ma-
nipulate anything, 'cause he can pull the
switch at any time. It was very like workin’
with Mick: that siege mentality, like, "No-
body is gonna get the better of me, even if
I dont have fun.” That's the price you pay
for saying, “Nobody is gonna smirk behind
my back thinking they ripped me off.”
Fuck, millions of people ripped me off, and
I dont give a shit. If you cant get over that,
you have a problem. So in a way, 1 was well
equipped to deal with Chuck. Even after-
ward, the cat still fascinates me. I find him
more appealing now that 1 know him bet-
ter than just hittin’ me in the eye or sayin,
“Fuck off.”

I was given the opportunity to fulfill my
own selfish teenage dreams. If I could just
be the cat playing the guitar behind Chuck
Berry, I thought. ГИ have to swallow a lot
of shit, probably on camera, to do this. But
if I can do it, ГИ show that about myself. If
І can go through that fire, it will harden
me up to the point where I can do my own
record alone.

All those things—if you dream them,
they'll come true, if you stick at itand hang

in for the course.

PLAYBOY: Looking down the line, what
changes would you like to see in the
Stones?

RICHARDS: I would like to see a little more
energy and balls out of the boys. 1 would
like to see a little more happiness out of all
of them just to be one of the Rolling Stones.
Either you is or you aint. If you is, you're
gonna work with the Stones, and if you
ain't, then forget it.

PLAYBOY: The work you've been doing
appears to agree with you, and so does
marriage.

RICHARDS: Patricia is an amazing girl.
When [ met her, I was reliving a second
rock-and-roll childhood. I could have gone
back. Easy. It could have gone either way
for me, life or death.

PLAYBOY: The future looks encouraging.
Its nice we had this little chat. We've sat
here and killed a whole bucket of ice.
RICHARDS: Yeah, but there is a terrible tend-
ency nowadays—I'm sounding like an old
man now—to pose. All of us. It only
reaffirms my belief that the music business,
in any given era, is ninevy-eight percent
crap. If you know that and can avoid the
posing bit, it's not going to hurt you. You
might not get anything much out of it, you
might totally fail making it, as they call it.
But it's not going to hurt you to go for that
two percent. But go for the other ninety-
eight and you're lost. Bye-bye, brother.

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144

MADISON HEIGHTS

(continued from page 52)

"One of the panty-hose guys whips out his gun and
blows Kim Martins brains out. Just like that."

=
ning, there were fire
hostages, including myself. I got to know
them all pretty good, | guess, which isn't to
ау I liked all of them.
ch. Not just a bi
h. She was the one working at the store
the night the panty-hose guys showed up.
Oh, Christ, she drove rone nuts; she
just didn't know how to shut up. She didn't
like the guns or the cigarette smoke or the
language or the beer or the handcuffs, and
she didn't deserve to be in here, because
she was a woman and she had a husband
and a kid and on and on.
We must've been in there a week when а
couple of the panty-hose guys came into
the little office where the five of us were si
ting in a cirde and announced that they
were going to let a hostage go. We got to
pick who it was, we were going to vote on
st couldn't vote for ourselves.

So one of the pantyhose guys all of a
sudden whips out his gun and blows
Martin's br - Shot her three times
the left ear. Just like that.

They brought the video camera in then
and took some pictures of her body, then
they stuck her in the freezer.

Another guy, this rich old white guy
named Milton Morris, lasted about anoth-
er week. Oh, he was cool enough, for an
old guy. Smoked three free packs of Van-
tage 100s a day and drank his fair share of
beer.

Then, one day, Morris is just
there with us, just hanging out,
drops dead. Natural causes, a heart at-
tack, probably. The panty-hose guys went
nuts, whining about how it wasn't their
fault, and finally they figured, Fuc and
shot him like they did Kim Ma
bullets in bis now-dead brain. Dragged in
the video camera, took some pictures, then
stuck him in the freezer.

That left three of us.

А
tacy calls me, seeing if I'm doing OK,
telling me she’s coming up to Colwood
next weekend. Asking me when 1 plan to
return to the public eye.

I'm happy where I am, I tell her. Some-
day, sure, I'll put the black T-shirt back on
and do the Cliff Spab bit for everybody, but
not now.

When?

Never?

1 tell Stacy about how when 1 went home
after 1 got out, when the cops were
through with me, they drove me to my
house and everybody on the fucking block

is there and all the trees got these fucking
yellow ribbons all over the fucking place.
And at my house, the mayor of Madison
Heights is standing there on the front
porch, waiting to give me the key to the
сау or some bullshit. 1 say to him, “Who
the fuck are you?” and then blow him off,
go into the house. Go into my room, put on
а Stones album Гуе been craving for the
past month, lic down on my bed, and then
my old man comes storming into my room
and hes pi
He's going on a about what the bell am I
doing in here, don't know that's the
goddamn mayor standing our there, get
your ass out there and hold a press confer-
ence, now.

"m, like, Hey, guy, fuck you. [dont need
ГІ don't go out there, what re уа
Send me to my room without
? Why the fuck don'tcha just stick a
gun to my head, handcuff me to a chairz
That'll accomplish a hell of a lot.

The motherfucker hit me. In the mouth,
same as those panty-hose guys did. I start-
cd spitting blood like I did that time.

My old man just left the room after that,
just left me alone,
he neighbors went home, but those
fucking reporters stayed in the street,
waiting for me to come out.

I saw Wendy Pfister being interviewed
by Barbara Walters last night. Now, Wendy
Pfister is, like, the all-American girl, an ex-
tremely courageous young woman, role
model for teenagers everywhere. It also
helps that she’s willing to talk to the media,
unlike some ex-hostages I could name.

Oh, Jesu ’s the scam of the cen-
tury, Wendy sitting there looking good,
really good, sitting across from Barba-
ra Walters in a comfortable chair, legs
crossed, hair fluffed, smiling behind a
$1000 make-up job or whatever, talking
about God, country, telling kids to “Just
Say no, h a perfectly straight face. Act-
ing so fucking wholesome you just wanted
to puke.

Streeters watching this with me, won-
ng why I'm laughing. "Look at her,”
ng, "look at her. Do you realize this
chick listens to Zeppelin albums, that she
put away two packs of menthols a day,
drank at least as much as I did:

“No,” Streeter says.

“Do you know what she had in her purse
when she walked into that store? Huh? ГИ

tell va what she had; she had two ounces
of marijuana in her purse. Two fucking
ounces. I'm talking teenager on drugs and

she's probably gonna get a medal next
week from Nancy fucking Reagan or
something."

“What's the poini 5
m sayin’ 1 hea newest
eart use the F word, that’s what I'm

“I know what you're
asking you what's the point?

“Who gives a shit what the point is?” I
say.

ng, Spab. I'm

So I stayed in my house for а week ог
so, my parents pissed at me, all those re-
porters outside, and then 1 went to that
ball game. My brother took me. Scott Spab.
He set the whole thing up with the Tigers,
got them to make me that jersey.

He was cool about keeping me away
from the reporters. Hustling my ass out of
the stadium before the game started, be-
fore anybody could catch us. The re-
porters really pissed him off when I was in
that store, the way they kept on sticking
cameras in his face, expecting him to cry
for them or something

After that game, I stayed іп his apart-
ment for a few days. He lives in Center
Line Gardens, in Warren, which is cool,
because the whole complex is private prop-
erty and the cops would keep the reporters.
at the gate if they ever found out I was
there. Which they did—my parents told
them.

But eventually, I got sick of it, so one
night, I got into the trunk of my brothers
car and he took me out to the Somerset
Mall parking lot in Troy, where Stacy had
left a car for me. The keys were in the ig-
nition and I shagged ass getting to the It
Street Theater, driving up to Colwood.

My brother went back to his apartment,
found I wasn't there and called the cops.

Stacy's with me now, here іп Colwood for
the weekend, and were watching Night-
line, a special show on Cliff Spab. First up
was FBI special agent Shawn Parsley, the
Fed who took my statement at the Madison
Heights police station after 1 got out of
captivity. “We are treating СІНЕ Spab's di
appearance with the utmost seriousness,
he said. “Mr. Spab is a disturbed young
man in desperate need of help.”

Тһе prick.

Then my parents came on and Im
thinking, What is this, This Is Your Life or
something? They gonna have on my sec-
ond-grade teacher or some shit? So my
folks are saying how much they miss me,
mentioned as how they thought 1 needed
help and how all is forgiven, as if this is
anybody's business to show on network TV
and all

Then they brought on some shrink who
talked about the Stockholm syndrome,
how I was probably fucked up because 1
missed my old panty-hose buddies from
the store. Then he started on about stress.
And then he explained the Spab phe-
nomenon, how kids look up to me because
I got to live out my fantasies of youth and 1
represent something to this country and
whatever. Huh?

And then, oh, Jesus, Wendy Pfister came

оп. Oh, God, she was looking good. Every
time I see her, 1 think, Goddamn, she's
looking good. Smiling at the fucking cam-
era, oh, God, she looked good.

“Spab, if you're watching this,” she says,
and I blink, surpriscd—I ve been watch-
ing her, not listening to her—“call me.
Your brother has my number. Call me,
we'll talk and I won't tell anybody we did.”

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, and at that
point, Stacy and I go down to my room
and I turn on the lights of the marquee
and when we finish, | fall asleep watching
those lights move across the ceiling

Do I trust her? I know Wendy Phster, I
was in that store with her for 36 days and I
see her on TV now and think, Thats not
Wendy Pfister, that’s

ing she fucked me in the ladies’ room at
the Rams Horn in Warren, on Dequindre
between 12 and 13 Mile. This story is,
fortunately or unfortunately take your
pick—true. After Tiger Stadium, my
brother and I stopped by the Ram's Horn
because it didn't look too busy. It wasn't;
the waitresses, three of them, were stand-
ing around doing nothing. They recog-
nized me, went nuts, asked for autographs,
and then I took one of them back to the
ladies’ room and she yanked up her brown
polyester skirt and we had two and a half
minutes of decent sex. Something like
that, I was pretty drunk. What the fuck do
1 know?

So now this chicks made more money
off my name than I have.

Dequindre or Van Dyke or sorne shit, pass-
ing beneath those yellow streetlights, we
owned, owned that fucking town. It was
ours for the taking

Those nights were the best. Madison
Heights was the greatest city in the world
to me. I could feel it in the night, that
charge in the air. Cruising was the only
thing 1 ever wanted to do, cruising all
night long.

Tsay that and I turn to Joe, sitting in the
passenger seat of the Camino, and he gives
me that goofy Joe Dice grinand says, “Hey,
guy, fuckin’ you know it.”

1 call Wendy late one night, waking her
up. Pm drunk, again, and as it turns out,
so is she. Her mother went to bed carly,
leaving Wendy to

just a character on
TV just like Archie
Bunker or Lucy ВЕ
Hawkeye

cardo ог
Pierce. But then,
what about this
enigmatic, larger-
than-life guy from
Madison Heights
who made those
wacky videos in cap-
tivity tossed a base-
ball into the
bleachers? Now 1
worry, What if that
asshole really is the.
real me?

Im starting to
feel like I'm in over
my head. Suppose I
did come out of hid-
ing. Would 1 be able
to keep the scam
working? Could 1
act like the mythical
figure Гуе become?
Do I want to?

Sucy knows me.
She says the Cliff
Spab they know is
the real me. So does
Streeter. Не re-
minds me about the
time I called Time
magazine, how
thats just the sort of.
thing Cliff Spab would do.

Stacy talks about the FREE CLIFF SPAB NOW
Tshirts and the seis RULES bumper stick-
ers, shows me a copy of my first Time cover,
me in that black Doors T-shirt daring a
panty-hose guy to blow my head off

Enjoy it while it lasts,” she tells me,
“апа, for Christ's sake, at least make a few
bucks out of it

“1 can't support you forever,” Stacy says,
“even if сап afford it."

I'm nuts, Stacy. | cant take this shit. Oh,
God, anonymity would be so sweet right
about now.

=
But now Stacy's pissed at me. There's a
story in the National Enquirer, a chick say

When you meet the Right Girl,

tip your cap.

Stacy's left Colwood, told me to fuck off.
Streeters being cool but I think he's
pissed at me, too, fucking around on his
daughter like that. So I guess I can't stay
Colwood much longer. 1 dont want to, ei-
ther. I need to find а new hiding space

Joe's the one guy I need to hang out with
for a few hours. The two of us need to go
out cruising all night. Need to cruise the
northeast side until the Caminos out of
gas, need to find a chick or two and
feed lines of bullshit out into the world in
general
That's the way it was, back when things
were simple. We owned that goddamn city,
Joe and 1. Three лм, all alone cruising

scarf her vodka.
“You're fulla shit,”
I tell her.
“Yeah, right," she
says. “Look whos
talking. Mr. 1 Am

You."

“That shit wasn't
my idea."

“Yeah, right. You
think this was my
brain storm, this
Miss Apple Pic bull-
shit? Chris, my
mothers the one
behind the whole
thing, running my
life, picking out my
clothes, telling peo-
ple ГИ be on their
sorry-ass TV show.”

“Thats too bad.
How much they pay
you for that Pepsi
ad? Or was и Coke?"

Wendy sighed
“Two hundred and
thirty-six thousand
dollars, plus some
change every time
they show it.”

“Sounds cool
Come on up and vis-
it me. You can buy
the beer.”

“Td like to^

“OF course, ГИ need a note from your
mother.”

“No problem. I got my own car now. ГИ
do what the fuck I want. I think you got
right idea, Spab, disappearing like
that. Don't these people realize | just want
to forget the whole thing, the whole fuck-
ing thing?"

1 say nothing. Jesus Christ, I think, she's
hit it right on the head.

"Spab?"
Sorry, Wendy

“No problem.

“Тус finally figured it out,” 1 say “у
know? I mean, Jesus, Wendy, why didn't
1 think of it before? All I want to do more

God, Fuck АП of

145

PLAYBOY

146

than anything else is forget the whole
thing. It all goes back to being in that god-
damn store. I keep dwelling on it; I'm sit-
ting here whining about everything else
and. Jesus, Wendy, it’s driving me nuts. . . ."

“You remember that shrink on TV the
other night?” she asks.

“On Nightline?”

“Yeah,” she sighs. "Spab, he got it all
wrong when he started going on about the
Stockholm syndrome. Thats bullshit.
What we're talking about here is some-
thing new, a disease only two people in the
world have, and do you know what it's
called?"

"What?"

“Its called the Madison Heights syn-
drome. The only people who caught it
were the people in that store. That means
you and me, Spab."

‘Oh, Christ, Wendy.”

"And that asshole shrink, he'll never
know what the Madison Heights syndrome
is, because he wasn't in that store with us,
and if you weren't in that store——

“You can shut the fuck up,” I say

"Right," Wendy says.

Nobody says anything. “1 want to see
you, Wendy,” I say finally. “1 gotta see you.”

“If 1 come scc you, they'll follow me and
find you, wherever you are.”

“Let 'em," I say, and I realize that the
scam, the fame, the hiding, none of it
matters

1 tell her how to get to В Street, say good
night, hang up, open another beer. Put on
my black Doors T-shirt and cue up that
video tape of me at Tiger Stadium. It feels
good. Oh, Jesus.

=
On the 36th day, the beer ran out.
Тсе, Wendy and I, when we were in that

store, if we weren't drunk, we were stoned,
and often we were both. And then the beer
ran out and we had to come up with a plan.

On the 35th day, Wendy had asked one
of the panty-hose guys one more time
when we were going to get out of there,
and he said, again, "When there is total
nuclear disarmament in the world."

So we weren't the only lunatics in that
store.

So the three of us came up with a plan.
And it worked. Sort of.

‘They came in with that video camera on
the 36th day. Wendy's sitting there across
from me and she's talking to the camera
and all of а sudden, I stand up, dragging
my chair from my wrist, I turnaround and
pull down my pants. Just yanked “ет
down. Yeah, guy, there they are, mother-
fuckers, both checks of the famous, hairy
Spab ass. In your face. Kiss “ет, why
don’tcha?

The panty-hose guys go nuts, Wendy's
talking, my ass is hanging out, the camera
guy doesn't know where to point the cam-
era, all this out-of-control shit going on,
and nobody's paying attention to Joe, and
then Joe picks up his chair, chained to his
wrist, picks it up and brings it down on the
head of one of the panty-hose guys. The
panty-hose guy goes down, Joe Dice grabs
his gun. The panty-hose guy starts bleed-
ing, blood seeping through the nylon coy-
ering his head.

Now the other panty-hose guy, the one
with the video camera, is reaching for his
gun, can't get to it; he doesn’t want to drop
the camera, and Joe shoots him in the
head, kills him, just like that. Oh, Christ.

Joes going to the door of the office now,
the office he hadn't left in 36 days, stopping

“Cynthia! What are you doing on the bottom?”

to kill the guy that he hit with the chair,
shoot in the brain. Wendy and I are
freaking and Joe's at the door, firing shots
into the store, and I grab the cameraman's
gun and Joe sees me with it. "Give it to
me!” he screams, and I'm about to hand it
to him when—bam!—he doubles over,
falls back, shots coming from inside the
store and Joe's bleeding on the floor now,
on his back, and like a fucking idiot, I'm
still trying to hand him the gun, but he just
looks at me, grins and shakes his head no.
Just gives me that goofy Joe Dice grin and
shakes his head no,

He's fucking smiling at me. Oh, God.
Оһ, shit.

I get a good look at his stomach then as it.
begins to leak all over the floor, Joe Dices
intestines, and then I look at Wendy stand-
ing over Joe and the two dead panty-hose
guys and then the police knocked on the
door, asking if everything was all right.

And then Joe Dice died.

Things change when the reasons for do-
ing them change. Thars what happened
when we were in that store for 36 days.
The rules of the game were tossed out the
window; survival no longer depended on
working, learning, morals, values, none of
that. Survival depended on eating, drink-
ing, sleeping, shitting, pissing. Thinking.

That's what I learned іп the 7-Eleven.
That's what you gotta understand. The
rest of my Ше, IH play that life game I
learned in schwol, also бош my folks, ГИ
be lying, just bullshitting.

Sure, I wish things could be the way they
were. Like I said, waking up, punching in,
slopping up shit, punching out. Cruising.
Simple shit like that.

Sometimes, after cruising all night, Joe
and 1 would walk over to this schoolyard
and hit rocks with a baseball bat as the sun
came up. I'd swing and really connect with
one of them stones and I'd imagine that I
just cranked one over the 365-foot mark in
left center field down at Tiger Stadium.

But now I've been to Tiger Stadium, I
could have really done that, cranked one
over the 365 mark. I could be doing that
today, hitting a home run to win the world
series or whatever, but even if I did, as 1
did it, Га be imagining, just wishing 1 was
back in that Madison Heights playground,
knocking a pebble into the rising sun.

Other prize winners in Playboy's College
Fiction Contest: second, “Claims,” by John
McNally, University of Iowa; third, “Dead
Horse Blues,” by Lee Durkee, University of
Arkansas; "Night Sound,” by Robert
Schirmer, Universily of Arizona; “Audience,”
by Tsivia Susan Cohen, University of Iowa;
“The Answering Machine” by Раш
Lawrence Tremblay, Columbia College,
Chicago. Would you like to enter next year?
See page 150.
Ej

Good Smoke.
Great Price.

ка 1983 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking

By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

LITES: 9 mg.
"tar", 0.6 mg. nicotine, i |
FILTER BOX: 14 mg. “tar”,
03 mg. nicotine, av. per
cigarette by FIC method.

PLAYBOY

148

UP IN SMOKE
(continued from page 119)

cigar, Thus, it’s considered good form to
ask if anyone minds your lighting up. Since
most restaurants prohibit cigars in the din-
ing area, save your fresh panatela for the
lounge or your favorite easy chair.)

Three distinct elements are hand-rolled
into every premium cigar:
the filler (always long leaf

in the better grades),
which forms the thick
"body" of the cigar; the

binder, a separate leaf that
holds the filler together;
and the wrapper, the outcr
leaf that gi ach cigar
its visual appeal and con-
tributes c 30 percent
tothe r's laste.

ANE there are
many categories of cigar
classifications, you have to
know only three variations
in order to make а selec-
tion. Each refers to wrap-
per color and taste. The
lightest in color and
mildest taste is claro
(sometimes referred to as
American Market. Sclec-
tion or AMS), a delicate
greenish brown in hue.
Next comes colorado, or
English Market Selection
(EMS) These cigars pos-
sess a medium-full taste
and their wrappers are
rich brown. Finally, we
have the maduro, or
Spanish Market Selection
(SMS), a deep dark-brown
cigar, very strong and ro-
bust in flavor. First-time or
occasional smokers who
want a satisfying cigar that is not too
strong may want to start with a good claro,
such as Dunhills Montecruz Number 210
Natural Claro, an especially mild variation
of the more robust Number 210 Natural.
Seasoned cigar smokers may find more sat-
isfaction in some of the new medium-
heavy Dominican Republic cigars such as
the Pleiades or the Juan Clemente. And
finally, for the man who wants a hefty-tast-
ing cigar, the Honduran Punch Rothschild
or Hoyo de Monterrey Excalibur Number
I is the perfect way to gracefully end an
evening of fine food and wine.

In selecting a cigar, remember that taste
is determined by thickness—called ring
gauge—rather than length. (Ring gauge is
measured in increments of Yi of an inch. )
The cigars we've included in this article
were chosen with taste and shape as prima-
ry considerations. However, we also took
into account convenience, and thus added
the Jose Benito Havanitos, for the man
who wants a thick, flavorful repast yet does
not have the pocket space or the me fora
large cigar. Based on the same criteria, we

about $4; Pleiades Sirius,

California; ond at Tinder Box stores.

included the relatively new Upmann Pc-
queños, a short four-and-a-hal£inch pre-
mium cigar that comes in 42, 46 and 50
ring gauges, for the man who resents hav-
ing time to smoke only half of his three-
dollar cigar before the curtain goes up.
Preparing to light your cigar involves a
certain amount of ritualistic foreplay. First,
the head, which has been sealed with a leal

Top left: Crystal-and-sterling-silver ashtray, by Daum for Davidoff of Geneva, New
York, $1900. In the ashtray: Penamil No. 17, $2. Cigars, from left to right: Punch
Rothschild, $1.65; Mucunudo Duron de Rothschild, $3.40; Juon Clem
54.50; Hoyo de Monterrey José Gener Excalibur No. |, $4.3!
$4.50; Arturo Fuente Hemingway Classic,
Dunhill Montecruz No. 210 Natural Clara, $2.95; H. Upmann 2000, $3.40; and an
H. Upmann Pequeños, $2.55. Sterling-silver sleeve for cigar matches, $510, ond
stainless-steel cigar scissors, $250, both from Davidoff of Genevo. Most of the .
cigors pictured can be purchased ot the Up Down Tobacco Shop. Chicago; the
Century City Tobacco Shoppe, West Los Angeles; Guss Smoke Shop, Shermon Oaks,
(Prices may vory from stare to store.)

of gummed tobacco, must be clipped. Ве
sure 10 use a properly shaped cigar cutter
designed to make either a V cut or a full
(“guillotine”) cut so that the end of your
cigar will not feather or unravel. (Tearing
off the end of your chosen smoke with your
teeth and spitting it across the room 15
definitely not part of the ritual.) Next
comes the light. For this, only a wooden
match or a butane lighter should be used;
anything else will impart a rancid chemi-
cal undertaste to the delicate tobacco
blends of the filler. First, rotate the end of
the cigar slightly above the tip of the flame
without actually touching it to the tobacco.
"The end of the cigar will quickly darken as
the moisture and oils are dried out. Sud-
denly, the flame will actually leap to the
г as the tobacco is kissed by the fire.
Then a thin whiff of smoke will indicate
that the cigar is ready to smoke. Place i itio
your lips and, if needed, light it again to
make sure that the entire end is aglow.
Then sit back and sip the rich, full flavor.

The following is a connoisseur's guide to
iety of premium smokes.

Partagas No. 10,

.
Juan Clemente Churchill: The aroma is
deceptively light, but the cigar itself has a

rich, lingering undertaste that many
smokers find appealing.
.

Arturo Fuente Hemingway Classic:
top-of-the-line Dominican Republic cigar
with a sweet, heavy aroma and a tapered
foot for easy lighting.

Hoyo de Monterrey José
Gener Excalibur Number
I: This Honduran cigar is
а full, rich smoke

.
Macanudo Baron de
Rothschild:

Hand
cigar has a
light aroma, a pleasant un-
Чепаме and а mellow
flavor.

Montecruz Number 210
Natural Claro: A new and
popular variation on Dun-
hills standard Number
210; the wrapper indicates
an exceptionally light
laste.

Partagas Number 10:
Hand-rolled the Do-
minican Republic, this ro-
bust cigar provides a full,
rich taste.

te Churchill, ^

Peñamil Number 17: А
superb Canary Islands
smoke with a strong but
not overpowering flavor.

S465;

Pleiades Another
rich. Dominican Republic
brand with a bouquet that
blends nicely with its
heavy full-bodied flavor.
.

Punch Rothschild: This rich Honduran

ic short, thick shape.

The size of
this Dominican Republic cigar disguises its
delicate, medium-full flavor laced with a
mellow undertaste.

‘Te-Amo Toro: One of the best Mexican
cigars, with a mild flavor that lingers on
the palate

H. Upmann 2000: A classic cigar wi
medium-full flavor, now produced i
Dominican Republic.

.
ny of today's high-
grade-cigar smokers to condense rich
flavor into a short smoking time has led
to the creation of premium minicigars.
These two brands are prime examples

Jose Benito Havanitos: ‘These hve-inch
Dominican Republic cigars pack a surpris-
ing amount of flavor in small hand-rolled

The need for m

j 747 Third Avenu
i j PLAYBOY ond RABBIT 1 DESIGN orermarks of Playboy Enterprises,

И К:

150

packages for a hefty 25-minute smoke.

Upmann Pequenos: These four-and-a-
half-inch cigars from the Dominican Re-
public come in three ring sizes: 42, 46 and
50. A short smokc that's long in flavor.

Smokers may also want to pick up the
following brands to round out their humi-
dors. Davidoff of Geneva: Look for these
s in shapes from the Mouton-
Cadet to the Classic. Тіпдег Box La Reser-
va: A newly introduced cigar that has
already become a much-sought-after com-
modity, combining Cuban seed with the
finest Dominican tobacco leaf. Primo del
Rey: А high-quality Dominican agar with
a variety of ring gauges to suit a total spec-
trum of taste. Veracruz: One of Mexico's
Classic cigars. Each is individually hu-
midified in a scaled glass tube and encased
in its own cedar box. Royal Jamaica: Made

in Jamaica until a year ago, this flavorful
smoke is now expertly hand-rolled in the
Dominican Republic. Don Diego: A favor-
ite from the Dominican Republic. Some
sizes are available in tubes (Monarchs,
Corona Major, Royal Palmas) and a hu-
midified jar (Amatista). Don Tomas: А
Honduran cigar, capable of delivering а
full taste іп all of the ring gauges. Ramon
Allones: À Dominican cigar that delivers a
medium-full taste. La Regenta: А hand-
made cigar from the Canary Islands, for
the smoker who prefers a medium taste.
Kiskeya: Introduced only two years ago
and not yet widely found, its shade-grown
Connecticut wrapper and Dominican Re-
public leaf have created a cigar worth seek
ing, especially in the large Presidente size.
Now, gentlemen, you may smoke!

The Rules:

its agents, affiliates and familias

lo withhold prizes

reserves the right to edit the
lu publish the wi

1. Contest is open Io all college students—no age limit
not oligibla. 2. To a

i no submitted entries meet its usual standard of
be notified by mail and may be obligated to sign and return an affidavit of eligibility. S. Playboy
lirst-prize-winning story lor publication. 6. Playboy reserves the right
ing entries in the U.S. and foreign editions of Playboy and to reprint them in
any English-language or foreign-edition anthologies or compilations of Playboy material. 7. Void
where prohibited by law. 0. All manuscripts become the property of Playboy and will nat be
returned. Рога list of winners, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to Playboy, College
Fiction Contest, 919 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago IL 60611.

ployees of Playboy Enterprises, Ine.
submit your typod, double-spaced
manuscript of 25 pages or fewer with a 3" x 5" card listing your name, age, college affiliation,
permanent home address and phone number to Playboy Collage Fiction Contest, 919 North
Michigan Avenue, Chicago IL 60611. All entries must bo original works ol fiction and must ho
postmarked by January 1, 1990. 3. The decisions of the judges are final. Playboy reserves Ihe right

lication. 4. Winners wilt

return to animal house

(continued from page 106)
calling for a reduction in the fraternity
tems dominance of social life on campus,
and shortly after that, the Hanover police
conducted their notorious undercover
sting operation, deputizing an 18-year-old
girl and sending her, with an out-of-town
policeman posing as her boyfriend, on a
round of fraternities during the big spring
party weekend known as Green Key. Natu-
rally, she was served beer, and eight frater-
nities and two sororities faced the
possibility of criminal charges for serving
alcohol to а minor, The college got them
off the hook, but it made it clear that next.
time, the houses would be on their own.
This had a chilling effect on the admission
of nonmember guests to parties.

Finally, in 1988, the administration an-
nounced that starting with the class of
1993, rush would be delayed until sopho-
more year. Since this would decrease fra
ternity membership—and their already
pinched treasuries—by 25 percent, there
was bitter resistance to the measure, all
the more so because it was a dictate from
on high that ignored heavy student
opposition.

After all this, you had to wonder if fra-
ternity life at Dartmouth was any fun at all
any morc. Specifically, was curious to see
how the boys were doing at the house that
had inspired Animal House. 1 decided to
find out.

I enter the lodge with trepidation. What
am I going to find, 25 years and all those
regulatory institutions later? A skeleton
crew of intimidated weenies, sipping
oolong and discussing Proust?

Butno. The first thing that hits me is the
smell. Its the same smell; it hasn't changed
in two and a half decades! Mainly beer,
with certain miscellaneous nuances. The
place looks pretty much the same, 100. A bit
more wrecked-up. maybe, but it's the same
tube room, the same tap system and, run-
ning the perimeter of the basement, the
same beloved AD gutter (today known as
“the gorf"). In the erstwhile basement
bathroom—converted to a broom closet a
few years back after a brother tore out the
toilet to mix a punch in it—I can still make
out the carved names of brothers from my
ега: Y. BAGS, LAPES, SNOT, MAG E PIE, HYDRANT,
DUMP TRUCK, ~

Having recently concluded a very suc-
cessful rush, the house has nearly 100
members, and it looks as though most of
them are here tonight. They seem a little
cool; | wonder if I'm welcome. Or maybe
i's just a generational style—they don't
make a big deal of things. There are so
many of them, though, more than twice the
number we had! The living room is like a
subway car! And, God, how'd they get to
be so young?

1 have brought with me, on video cas-
seue, an assemblage of eight-millimeter
movies taken back in my cra. As I show the

old flicks—glimpses of forgotten snow stat-
ues, of the brothers cavorting on the lawn,
of parties and our great perennial R&B
band Lonnie Youngblood and the Red-
coats—pledges arc periodically sent to
“тип a rack." They return with lengths of
plank covered with brimming beer cups,
sothat the brothers may indulge their taste
for malt beverage. As the tape proceeds,
the crowd especially appreciates the se-
quence in which several old ADs cat the
shirtof Bert Rowley, '61, off his back. When
the show concludes, they signify their ap-
preciation with a round of snaps and sing а
friendly (albeit obscene) song to me. Then
one of them hands me a full 12-ounce beer
cup, and I see all these faces looking at me
with expectation.

Good God, I think, can I still chug one
of these things? Well, it takes a little longer
than it used to, but, yes, I can! All right—
still got my chops! The ADs cheer, the ice
is broken. We repair to the basement,
where fine music is played, multifarious
brews are demolished and laughter fills the
room. Sometimes, it occurs to me, despite
the passage of much time, the essence of
things remains the same.

I stay at Dartmouth for ten days. I check
out the sororities, the coed houses and, in
addition to Alpha Delta, several
stream" houses. I go to parties, drink off
kegs, hang out in small groups in fraterni-
ty rooms, doing a little herb and getting
philosophical. I find out two things.

First, fraternity life at Dartmouth isa lot
more complicated than it used to be.
Parties must be registered: you have to fill
out a form at the campus police station be-
fore five рм. оп weckdays and noon on
weekends. Since a party is defined as any
time you go on tap, that means that you
can no longer drink a keg without register-
ing with the police. Furthermore, since the
sting operation, the houses have had to
post guards at all entrances to thcir tap.
rooms during parties to check 1.0.5 and
make sure no underage nonmembers slip
in. In addition, house presidents and social
chairmen, aware that they risk $25,000
fines and even jail sentences if persons
drunk on their beer crack up a car, say,
take great care to prevent such drunks
from departing, atleast with their car keys.
Meanwhile, theres the ongoing paranoia
that Dean Wormer-like authority figures
are out to get them, that any time now, fra-
ternity life as thcy know it will be banished
forever, the way the samurai were abol-
ished in Japan in the 1870s.

"Thats a pretty tough row to hoe, com-
pared with the relatively laissez-fai y
Sixties. But the second thing 1 notice is
that, despite the many modern complica-
tions, the peculiar Dartmouth genius for
having fun is undiminished. And although
much is different at the Big Green, what's
more interesting is how much has stayed
the same.

‘Take the AD house. We had nicl
they have nicknames; the house currently

contains the likes of Goon, Chubber, Turd,
Hedgehog, Cowpie, Merkin, Mule, Gator
and, in a nice link with the past, a new
Snot. We had a house lexicon; they have a
house lexicon. In 1962, we invested much
of our neologistical energy cn descriptives
for throwing up—there was "power boot-
ing,” "spray bootin, nose bootin
“sick booting” and the “Technicolor yawn,
the last of these resulting from the preboot
consumption of food colorings. We also
spoke of “wind tunnels” (when your date
breaks wind while your head's up her
skirt), “тейпеув” (hard-ons so big they
stretch your skin until your head flips
backward) and “hooded hogs” (uncircum-
cised penises). The current ADs have two
great terms for an uncircumcised penis—
“turtleneck” and “covered wagon.” Also
from today’s vocabulary: Dorky people are
known as “lunch meats.” Drinking is
“hooking” “Sweet!” is an expression of ap-
proval. (“Неу we just went on tap."
“8нсей”) Smoking а bong is "pulling а
tube.” Doing mushroom is *'shroomin;
A “chode” is a dick that’s wider than it is
long. “Pil and “strapping” are fucking.
And a “spank sock” is the thing you keep
by your bed to beat off into,

We did weird things to our pledges; they
do weird things to their pledges. In my
day, as a sort of nod to ADS past (it started
life іп 1843 as a literary society), the
pledges had to compose and present pa-
pers to the brothers with titles such as “My
Sensations at Birth” and “How to Use Aft-
erbirth in a Garden Salad.” After one fel
low—Seal—left a notebook containing his
pledge paper (“The Last Time 1 Sucked
My Father's Cock”) at Smith, where it fell
into the hands of the dean, we got in a bit
of trouble and the practice was discontin-
ued. And then, of course, there was boot
training and the Night of the Seven Fires.

These days, the pledge period is shorter
than it used to be but correspondingly
ntense. The threatened punishment
for pledging infractions is the “Rack of
Gnarl"—as many asa dozen 12-ounce cups
containing a mixture of catsup, soy sauce,
dog food, mouthwash and whatever other
unappetizing liquid or semiliquid sub-
stances happen to be on hand. You're sup-
posed to drink every cup and, sorry, it’s
bad form to boot too soon.

One thing you must know for this next
pledging story—the ADs have always been
ig on dogs. Its still true today. In the cur-
rent Alpha Delta composite, there are pic
tures of no fewer than four of them,
including one that's deceased. So, OK; one
of the current pledging practices is that if
the pledges can take over the house and
prevent a single brother from coming in-
side for 24 hours, they dont have to go
through Hell Night. Well, a few years ago,
the pledges managed to take over the
house, throw out the brothers and actually
held the place for 12 hours. The brothers
were getting worried. No pledge class had
ever pulled off what that one seemed on
the way to pulling off; how would the

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PLAYBOY

brothers ever live it down? Then one of
them had an idea. They grabbed one of
the house dogs, taped him up, wrapped
him in a rug and hurled him through a liv-
ing-room window. That was it—the take-
over was ended, the pledges had to go
through an even worse Hell Night than
usual to compensate for the inconvenience
they'd caused everyone. For, you see, in
AD, the dogs arc considered brothers.

There are some interesting hazing
stunts at other houses, too. One fraternity
drops its pledges a few miles out of town,
naked, with an ax. The point is to get back
to campus. Ever try hitchhiking naked
ith an ax? The pledges of another frater-
nity must participate in an event called
Boot-on-Your-Brother Night. The kicker
is, you can't change your clothes for 24
hours afterward; you have to wear them to
bed, to class, to meals. . . .

A last pledging story: Some brothers in
‘one house drove a pledge to New York City,
divested him of his clothes and money апа
left him there to make his way back to
Hanover. The pledge found а dime in the
street and called the Dartmouth Club,
where he made contact with a sympathetic
alum who'd been through some of the
same shit himself. The guy set the pledge
up with fine new clothes and plenty of
bucks, the pledge flew back to Dartmouth,
and when the exhausted brothers finally
made their return to the fraternity, they
found the pledge, resplendent in his new
duds, waiting on the front porch with a
glass ot champagne tor each of them.

Of course, one thing about Dartmouth
that is different today is that between then
and now, the Sixties happened. And so
now, in addition to the standard types from
my day—stoic jock, cool stud, conservative
zealot—you have introspective hippies,
crazed psychedelic pranksters and fire-
breathing radicals. You tend to find these
folks, when they join a Greek society at all,
ша couple of the coed houses, where they
believe that, rather than changing mem-
bers to fit the house, you change the house
to fit the members. You also dispense with
а lot of the hazing and hierarchy—things
are more communal. You are also, by
definition, nonsexist. But what I love about
these folks is that although they're Sixties,
they're Dartmouth, too. Each year, one
of these houses holds something called
a Decadent Decathlon, which includes 12
events: Keg Throwing for Distance, the
fap Suck, and so forth. One of the events
perfectly symbolizes the Dartmouth-Six-
ties fusion—the Bong Chug. In this event,
you must take a full hit from a bong, chug
a beer, and only then do you get to exhale.

There are other differences. Although
there are three fraternities and two sorori-
ties that are predominantly black, the
Mainstream houses seem genuinely un-
concerned about their racial or ethnic
composition, which is a nice change from
my day. Ihe AD house has black brothers,
Hispanic brothers, Jewish brothers, even a

152 Moslem brother. It's not a big deal.

Also not a big deal is sex. 1 mean, they
like it and everything, bur it's more or less
taken for granted. There were stories
about getting laid on a pool table, and in
the 1902 Room at Baker Library, and even
in bed, but, as I say, these were no big deal.
In the early Sixties, of course, sex was a
very big deal. But that was before coed-
ucation and the sexual revol . With
greater availability comes a blasé attitude,
1 suppose. But it’s odd how things turn
around—in 1962, as far as the deans were
concerned, drinking was no big deal, but if
you and your date were caught with your
pants down, you were in deep shit. Today,
they couldn't care less what you do sexual-
ly, as long as it's consensual and you're be-
ing careful about AIDS—but drinking
infractions can get you in serious trouble,

One thing that definitely has not
changed is the high quality of partying
at Dartmouth fraternities. Іп the early
Sixties, parties were mainly free-form,
though I do remember Phi Gamma’ Fiji
Islands Parties and a real good End-of-the-
World Party during the Cuban Missile Cri-
sis. Strange alcoholic concoctions with
names such as fogcutters, or gin and juice,
or purple Jesus punch were served, and
people got even more blown out than
usual.

"The AD house, it was generally conced-
ed, threw the best parties. We introduced
R&B music to campus with such lumi-
naries as the Flamingos, the Five Royales,
Red Prysock, Joey Dee and the Starliters,
the Crystals, and Little Anthony and the
Imperials. And the brothers put on behav-
ior displays that foresaw performance art
by two decades. The moment in Animal
House when John Belushi pours mustard
оп himself was inspired by Seal— the fel-
low whose pledge paper so amused the
dean of Smith—who at one party covered
himself with yellow mustard and crawled
about on hands and knees on the dance
floor, biting dates asses and shouting, “I'm
the Mustard Man, Im the goddamned
Mustard Man.” Another time, Doberman
or Dump Truck or Troll or someone skied
down the stairs naked, just as the band
went into Shout.

Nowadays, theme parties are the rage.
One house has something called the Party
Without a Cause; everyone dresses as
James Dean and Natalie Wood. Theta
Delta Chi throws a Louie Lobster Party,
wherein the guys wear lobster costumes,
and there's a live lobster crawling around
in the punch. Gods and Goddesses, anoth-
er Theta Delt party, involves everyone
dressing as Zeus or Aphrodite—its basi-
cally a toga party. SAE is known for its an-
nual Saigon Party (recently renamed
Welcome to the Jungle), in which the house
is filled with trees and live monkeys. And
Alpha Chi Alpha throws Beach Parties, for
hich vast quantities of sand are trucked
in and dumped all over the house.

The Medieval Banquet, a joint party
thrown most years by the Alpha Chis and
Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority, started life

as a Fifties Party, but one year, the guys
showed up dressed in the fashion of 1050,
and it stayed that way; the celebrants go as
wenches, serfs, knights, and so forth, sit
around big tables and eat with their hands.
King Arthur and Guinevere order people
to chug and the party always turns into a
huge food fight, with tankards of ale
poured on peoples heads, roast turkeys:
flying through the air and everyone
soaked and ripped to the gills by 9:30.

Now, at the AD house, they're not too big
on theme parties. The more usual thing is
get а deejay, invite a bunch of people over,
order a lot of kegs and see what happens.
But each spring, during Green Key Week-
end.

Saturday my last day; tomorrow it's back
to the freeways and smog and mortgages
and the diaper changings of real life.
‘Turns out the ADs have their major annual
party this afternoon on the front lawn.
They have this terrific funk band on the
porch, wailing away and the yard is
packed with partyers. But I'm not danc-
ing—I'm feeling grumpy about haying to
go home tomorrow and, hell, a little
burned out from trying to keep up with
these 20-year-olds all week.

"Thanks to last night's killer rain, much.
of the yard is a mud puddle today. After a
while, predictably enough, the brothers
decide to do a little mud diving. In fact,
half the guys in the house quickly join in,
as do many of the dates and friends and
onlookers, and suddenly, it looks like Ке-
turn of the Mud Monsters out there. And
then—uh-oh—I spot seven or eight
beslimed pledges headed straight for me
with crazed, demented smiles.

Well, I don't feel like going in any mud,
that’s for sure. Later for that, Jack. 1 put on
my most persuasive smile. "Come on, you
guys, lets just forget it, OK?" They blithely
ignore me; 1 barely have time to toss ту
wallet and shades to my amused wife (who
has been egging them on), and then I'm
being carried across the yard by all these
guys—Donk and Oddjob and Mulch and
Scurvy and Snot П and Toast and Remus
and Spock—and they find a particularly
juicy mudhole . .. and plop me into it!

And—whaddaya know?—its great!
Suddenly, Гіп not tired and Гт not
grumpy—it's as if I've just had a burst of
adrenaline, And, man, I'm dancing my ass
off, exchanging high fives and whooping
like a maniac, and it all comes back, that to-
tal party fccling, wherc timc is suspended.
and youre in an eternal, fun-filled now.
This is it—the thing people join frater
ties for—one of those peak bacchanalian
moments that know no equal. My sense of
closeness and connection with these boog-
ieing mud maniacs could not be greater,
and I feel more in touch with the me I like
most than 1 have in months.

Ah, fraternities.

Sweet.

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PLAYBOY

REECE'S CHAIR

(continued from page 116)

“Goddamn и!" Hollander said, wonder-
ing what the hell Reece had put into him.
Some lousy drug, probably, through mi-
croscopic hypodermic needles that. Hol-
lander wouldn't even feel. How long would
the pain last? Would it go away at all?

Allright, then, all right. Hollander tried
to calm himself. Just sit down again, be a
man and beat the putz at his own game.
Crack his stupid password in the CHAIR file.

Or passwords. Hollander sighed. A pass-
word could have as many as 120 сһагас-
ters. That left а lot of room for trial and
error.

He sat down gingerly, entered the file
name симв and started guessing. First he
typed names (his password for his own
locked files was HOLLANDER, one he knew he
wouldnt forget). He tried REECE, MARLA,
R&H, R AND H, BIONETICS, SECRET and, in an
explosion of imagination, PASSWORD.

By midafternoon, he had tried several
hundred words and phrases, and the pain
in his buttocks had slowly worsened.
Anger and frustration dug a pit in his
stomach, and he had to tell himself again
to relax and keep trying. He could beat
Reece. Besides, it wasn't cancer, was it?
Reece wouldn't have done that. It was justa
pain in the ass, that was all, just a. .

Hollander froze. Then, very precisely,
he entered PAIN IN THE Ass.

The file remained locked.

He took а deep breath, said a little
prayer and revised it to A PAIN IN THE Ass.

The indefinite article worked. The let-
ters on the screen read:

CONGRATULATIONS, HOLLANDER. THE
CHAIR IS YOURS. THE CHIPS IMPLANTED IN
THE SEAT ARE SHUT ОРЕ THE HORMONE
‘THAT REDUCES CIRCULATION IN AND EN-
DORPHIN DELIVERY TO THE AFFECTED

AREAS HAS CEASED TO ENTER YOUR BODY
AND THE PAIN WILL NO LONGER INCREASE.
UNFORTUNATELY, WHAT 15 THERE NOW 15
PERMANENT. THE SOONER YOU GUESSED
"THE PASSWORD, THE LESS PAIN YOU HAVE TO.
LIVE WITH. BUT THE "PAIN IN THE ASS
WILL BE THERE FOR GOOD.
TILL WE MEET AGAIN, MY REMAINS ВЕ
MAIN,
REECE

“Hal” Hollander said as the letters van-
ished from the screen. A little pain in the
rear, even a big pain, was well worth it to
have beaten Reece at last.

“L knew you'd do it,” came a silky voice
from the doorway, and Hollander saw a
smile on Marla’s face as she walked over to

im. “I knew all along that you were just as
-.and ever so much more

It seemed, thought Hollander, that he
had won more than a chair in this deal.

Afterward, when Marla declined to
share the shower, Hollander was secretly
relieved, for his belly appeared protuber-
ant when wet. Humming to himself, ignor-
ing as best he could the ache in his
buttocks, he stepped beneath the hot spray.
As he scrubbed his stomach and moved
farther down, he noticed a pain in the area
of the most recent activity.

“Ow,” he remarked as he explored.
"Ouch."

‘Then sweat sprang out on his flesh taster
than the hot water could wash it away. He
thought about chip implants, Reece's
chair...

Reece's woman.

And he remembered what he had always
told Reece about scientists.

“Frankly, I never dreamed the take-over
would be half this friendly."

PIGSKIN PREVIEW

(continued from page 110)
abrupt halt when, after starting 10—0, his
team fell to Notre Dame and then again in
the Rose Bowl to Michigan. Southern Cal
and Smith have the talent to resurrect
their dreams again this year. The Trojans"
biggest problem will be finding a replace-
ment for departed quarterback Rodney
Peete, Junior Pat O'Hara and redshirt
freshman Todd Marinovich have only sey-
en collegiate career passes between them.
"The heart of this Southern Cal team is its.
defense, where ten of 11 starters return.
s dominating unit was number two ver-
sus the run and tenth in total defense in
the nation. 9-2

1 LOUISIANA STATE,

Last year, coach Mike Archer guided
Louisiana State to a share of the Southeast-
ern Conference crown and an 8-4 record
while playing one of the toughest sched-
ules in the country. With a slightly easier
schedule and a lot of offensive firepower
returning, the Tigers could fare even bet-
ter this year. Senior quarterback Tommy
Hodson will likely become the S.E.C.'s all-
time leader in passing yardage and passing
touchdowns by season's end. Flanker Tony
Moss is the conference’s best receiver, and
tailback Harvey Williams, who missed the
entire 1988 season with a knee injury, ap-
pears to be fully recovered. 9-2

8. SYRACUSE,

Afier Syracuse's great 1987 season,
when quarterback Don McPherson led the
Orangemen to a perfect 11-0 regular-sea-
son mark, most people, us included,
thought Syracuse would fall back into the
middle of the pack after McPherson grad-
uated. But Syracuse found a new set of
heroes and finished 10-9 last year, giving it
the best back-to-back seasons (21-3-1) of
any team except Miami (23-1) and Florida
State (22-2). Syracuse's victory run doesn't
appear to be over. Goach Dick MacPherson
has one of the best offensive lines in the
country, two outstanding wide receivers in
Rob Moore and Bobby Carpenter and a
defense that may be better than the 1987
squad 9-2

9. AUBURN

Last year, Auburn's defense led the na-
tion in rushing defense and total defense,
allowing opponents only a fraction more
than a seven-point average per game.
Since eight starters have departed, to be
that good on “D” again, the Tigers need
an entirely new cast. The offense, led by
quarterback Reggie Slack, is good enough
to keep Auburn in the win column until
the defense acquires some experience.
Тһе S.E.C. championship could be decid-
ed on October 14, when Auburn takes on
LSU. 9-2

10. ALABAMA

When running back Bobby Humphrey
and defensive back Gene Jelks were lost

' THE JOY ^
Lig

< TASTES GREAT.

PLAYBOY

156

last season to injuries, the Tide had a per-
fect excuse to fold its tent. But coach Bill
Curry rallied his forces and led them to
а 9-3 record, good enough to quell the
‘Bama boo birds so abundant in the
post-Bear Bryant era. Alabama's pre-
miere player this season is Keith McCants,
the heir apparent to the linebacking leg-
end started by Lee Roy Jordan and most.
recently continued by Cornelius Bennett
and Derrick Thomas. 8-3

11. HOUSTON.

‘The Houston Cougars will definitely be
on the prowl for the Southwest Conference
championship and a national ranking.
Coach Jack Pardee's team, which finished
9-3 last year, returnsa full complement of
starters. Junior quarterback Andre Ware is
back after setting a Southwest Conference
season record for touchdown passes (95).
Running back Chuck Weatherspoon, who
averaged eight and a half yards a carry,
also returns. Houston's potential Achilles"
heel is the injury bugaboo, since the Cou-
gars have little depth. 8-3

12, OKLAHOMA

To say that it has been a year of turmoil
for the Oklahoma football program just
doesn't do the situation justice: stories оГа
machine gun fired on campus, steroids, a
three-year N.C.A.A. probation for multi-
ple violations, the shooting (not fatal) of
one teammate by another. Three players
were charged with committing a dormito-
ry rape; the team's star quarterback plead-
ed guilty to a charge of conspiracy to
distribute cocaine. It appeared for a while
that coach Barry Switzer, referred to on
campus as “the king,” would miraculously
survive the storm. However, the fourth-
winningest coach in college football his-
tory (157-29-4, including three national
titles) finally resigned in June, saying, “It's
just not fun anymore.” The university
promptly named defensive coordinator
Gary Gibbs as new head coach. Gibbs in-
herits a team that was banned from ТУ
and post-season play, lacks a quarterback
and has every excuse to turn іп а bad sea-
son. However, the Switzerless Sooners still
have a ton of football talent, including a
strong group of linemen and a speedy
crew of running backs headed by sopho-
more Mike Gaddis. If Gibbs can find a new
О.В. to run the option, Oklahoma will
make headlines on the sports page for a
change. 8-3

13, UCLA

The Bruins and coach ‘Terry Donahue
set a college football record last season
when they won their seventh consecutive
bowl game, a 17-3 win over Arkansas in
the Cotton Bowl. Even with golden-boy
quarterback Troy Aikman gone to the Dal-
las Cowboys, the Bruins will likely get a
chance to add to their bowl streak at the
end of this season. While there is little ex-
perience at quarterback, talented running

backs and receivers are in abundance. The
defense lost six starters from last year but
still figures to be strong. Playing four of
their first five games in the friendly
confines of the Rose Bowl should get the
Bruins off to a good start. 8-3

14. PENN STATE

"rhe Nittany Lions, after suffering their
first losing season (5—6) ever under coach
Joe Paterno, are пог likely to repeat the
mistake. Paterno, who has been a coach at
Penn State since Harry Truman was Presi-
dent, cracked the whip in spring drills,
and the Lions appear ready to respond.
Running back Blair Thomas, who missed
last season with a knee injury, hopes to re-
turn to his form of 1987, when he gained
1772 all-purpose yards. Penn State's al-
ways-solid linebacking corps is headed
by Andre Collins and Brian Chizmar.
‘Tough games against Alabama, West Vir-
ginia and Notre Dame are all at Beaver.
Stadium. 8-3

15. TEXAS ARM.

‘Texas A&M coach К. С. Slocum is the
new, improved breed of Southwest Confer-
ence coach. A man of simple words and
simple clothes, R. C. stands in sharp con-
trast to the urbane image of Jackie Sher-
rill, the coach who resigned in the midst of
an N.C.A.A. probe. Formerly the Aggies’
defensive coach, Slocum has understand-
ably devoted much of his recent attention
to the offense, where he has installed drop-
back passer Lance Pavlas as quarterback
He need not worry too much about the
Aggies ground attack because of Playboy
All-America running back Darren Lewis,
second only to Barry Sanders in yards
gained rushing last season. 8-8

16. COLORADO

Coach Bill McCartney has his best team.
in his eight-year tenure at Colorado. The
Buffaloes have a Heisman candidate in

junior running back Егіс Bieniemy (1243

yards last season) and lots of muscle up
front. McCartney has switched the Colora-
do offense to a power-I scheme that he
thinks will give the Buffaloes a better pass-
ing attack than they had out of the wish-
bone. Quarterback Sal Aunese, fighting a
life-threatening battle with stomach can-
cer, has not yet surrendered starting
spot to backup Darian Hagan. A rough
nonconference schedule that includes Ii-
nois, Washington and ‘Texas will prepare
Colorado for the Big Eight battles but will
hold down its national ranking. 8-3

17. CLEMSON

Coach Danny Ford's Clemson Tigers
have won the Atlantic Coast Conference ti-
tle and a bowl game and have been rated
іп the top 90 for three consecutive years.
"T he loss of 13 starters will make a repeat of
that hat wick tough. Ford's first problem is
deciding on a quarterback; he has three
candidates. He also has to replace several
talented linemen, plus fill the shoes of

Playboy All-America defensive back Don-
nell Woolford. Luckily for Clemson fans,
Ford's well of talent is deep. The Tigers’
best returning players are junior running
back ‘Terry Allen and receiver Gary Coo-
per, who has already collected more than
1000 career reception yards. 8-3

18. ARKANSAS.

Last year, Arkansas was undefeated un-
til its last regular-season game, when the
Razorbacks pushed Miami to the brink be-
fore falling 18—16. While coach Кеп
Hatfield's squad has lost eight starters on
defense, there's enough offensive talent
back to keep Arkansas in the national-
championship picture until the end of the
season. Junior quarterback Quinn Grovey,
who Hatfield thinks is the best option О.В.
in the nation, will be joined in the Razor-
backs’ backfield by running backs Barry
Foster and James Rouse, who hopes to re-
gain his 1000-yard-plus form of 1987, be-
fore he suffered a series of injuries.
Defensive tackle Michael Shepherd will
anchor a talented but inexperienced de-
fense. The schedule, with almost all the
tough opponents going to Arkansas, is
definitely in the Razorbacks’ favor, 8-3

19. WYOMING

Paul Roach has turned in one of the best
coaching jobs in the nation at Wyoming
the past two years. The Cowboys have not
lost a conference game on their way to
consecutive Western Athletic Conference
championships. They've made two Holiday
Bowl appearances and garnered a top-ten
ranking. Now Roach's problem is to keep
the Cowboys winning. Last year, he pulled
quarterback Randy Welniak out of a hat
and Welniak promptly responded with 2791
passing yards and 21 touchdowns. The
candidates for the job this year are under-
studies Bobby Fresques and Tom Coront-
zos and transfer Peter Rowe. The Cowboys
must find help on the offensive line and at
several defensive positions. Roach has
proved that he knows his magic. 9-2

20, WEST VIRGINIA

Last season was the fulfillment of more
than 20 years of effort as a coach for
Virgini Don Nehlen. Until the Ma
taineers' Fiesta Bowl loss to Notre Dame,
everything went perfectly as Nehlens
charges, led by Playboy All-America quar-
terback Major Harris, racked up 11
straight victories. Even the loss to the Irish.
didnt dampen Nehlen's enjoyment of his
team’s achievements. This year, however,
he admits, “We're starting over.” Harris,
still only a junior, is back, as is 6'6" wide ге-
ceiver Reggic Rembert. But the entire of-
fensive line has graduated, as have several
key players on defense. Nehlen has а solid
core of young talent, however, and the step
down from last year’s success may not be as
big as most people expect. 8-3

.
Here are some other teams that have a
chance to break the top 20:

“Of course I love you. I love everybody!"

157

REST OF THE BEST

QUARTERBACKS: Scott Mitchell (Utah), Tommy Hodson (Louisiana Stote), Tony Rice (Notre Dame),
Todd Ellis (South Carolina). Troy Taylor (California), Jeff George (Illinois), Mike Gundy (Oklahoma
State), Cary Conklin (Washington) Neil O'Donnell (Maryland), Brett Favre (Southern Mississippi)
RUNNING BACKS: Anthony Thompson (Indiana), Tony Boles (Michigan), Blair Thomas (Pern State),
Rodney Hampton (Georgia), Eric Bieniemy (Colorado), Ken Clark (Nebraska), Steve Broussard
(Washington State), Mike Mayweather (Army), Blake Ezor (Michigan State), Carlos Snow (Ohio State),
Chuck Weatherspoon (Houston), Johnny Johnson (San Jose State), Jon Volpe (Stanford), Terry Allen
(Clemson), Harold Green (South Carolina), Derek Loville (Oregon), Jerry Mays (Georgio Tech), Curvin
Richords (Pittsburgh), Tommie Stowers (Missouri)

RECEIVERS: Reggie Rembert (West Virginia). Tony Moss (Louisiana State), Tory Jones (Texas), Derek
Brown, Roghib Ismail (Моке Dame), Calvin Williams (Purdue), Chris Gaiters (Minnesota), Charles
Arbuckle (UCLA), Tim Stallworth (Washington State), Patrick Newman (Uich State). Marcus Cherry
(Boston College)

OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Frank Cornish (UCLA), Dean Caliguire (Pittsburgh), Eric Still (Tennessee), Ed
King (Auburn), Tim Grunhord (Notre Dome), Jeff Davidson (Ohio State), Joey Bones (Houston). Ray
Brown (Virginia), Mike Sullivan (Texas Christian), Steve Tardy (Rutgers), Chorles Odiorne (Texas Tech),
Mark Tucker (Southern Col), Steve Slay (Wyoming), Grant Lowe (East Carolina) David McKinnon (Col
Stete-Long Beach)

DEFENSIVE LINEMEN: Odell Hoggins (Florida State), Chris Zorich (Notre Dame), Mike Lodish (UCLA),
Bill Goldberg (Georgio), Shane Collins (Arizona State) Greg Mork (Miami), Morris Gardner (Illinois),
Dovid Rocker (Auburn), Oliver Barnett (Kentucky), Rob Burnett (Syracuse), Ray Agnew (North Carolina.
State), Roy Sovage (Virginia), Mitch Donohue (Wyoming), Michael Shepherd (Arkansas), Joel Smeenge
(Western Michigon), Pellom McDaniels (Oregon State)

LINEBACKERS: Brad Quast (lowa), Mark Sender (Louisville), Terry Wooden (Syracuse), Koncwis
McGhee (Colorado), James Williams (Mississippi State) Huey Richardson (Florida), Maurice Crum (Mi=
omi), Lamar Lathon (Houston), Jon Leverenz (Minnesota), Darrin Trieb (Purdue), J. J. Grant (Michigan),
Jeff Mills (Nebraska), Loranzo Square (Temple), Mitch Lee (Comell), DeMond Winston (Vanderbilt), Rob
Hinckley (Stanford), Brion Chizmor (Penn State), Michael Stonebreoker (Notre Dame), Kevin Singleton,
Chris Singleton (Arizona)

DEFENSIVE BACKS: Cleveland Colter (Southern Cal), Todd Sandroni (Mississippi), Ben Smith (Geor-
gio), Nathan LaDuke (Arizona State), James Lott (Clemson), Jesse Campbell (North Carolina State),
Eddie Moore (Memphis State), Reggie Cooper (Nebraska), Bob Weissenfels (Navy), Patrick Willioms
(Arkansas). Alton Montgomery (Houston). John Hardy (California). Gene Jelks (Alabamo), Junior
Robinson (East Carolina)

PLACE KICKERS: Jeff Shudok (lowe State), Collin Mackie (South Carolina), Dovid Browndyke (Louisi-
опо State), Pat O'Morrow (Ohio State), Alfredo Velasco (UCLA), Roman Anderson (Houston), Carlos
Huerta (Miami), John Ivanic (Northern Illinois), Cary Blanchard (Oklahoma State)

PUNTERS: Tony Rhynes (Nevada- Los Vegas), Shown McCarthy (Purdue), Simon Rodriguez (Houston)

ANSON MOUNT
SCHOLAR/ATHLETE

The Anson Mount Scholor/Athlete Award recognizes achievement both in the clossroom
‘ond on the football field. Nominated by their universities, the candidates are judged by the
editors of Playboy on their collegiote scholastic ond othletic accomplishments. The award
winner attends Playboy's pre-seoson All-Americo Weekend—this year held ot the Sheraton
Bol Horbour Hotel in Bal Horbour, Florida—receives a bronzed commemorative medollion
and is included in the team photogroph published in the mogozine. In addition, Playboy
‘owords 55000 to the general scholarship fund of the winners university.

This years Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Aword in football goes to Don Davey of the
University of Wisconsin. Davey, a starter in the Badgers’ defensive line for the past three
seasons, is а senior majoring in mechanical engineering. His over-oll grode-point average is
3.81; last yeor, it was 3.98. Don hopes to earn о master’s degree in biomedical engineering.

Honorable mention: Pat Jackson (Bowling Green), Jeff Hunsaker (Utoh State), Jon Volpe
(Stonford), Louis Riddick (Pittsburgh), James Edwin Lyle (Auburn), Tedd Sondroni (Mississip-
pi), Curt Lovelace (Illinois), Andy McCarroll (Vanderbilt), Denzel Leggett (Purdue), Ira Ad-
ler (Northwestern), Eric Still (Tennessee), Chris Willertz (Michigon Stote), Mork Kamphaus
(Boston College), Bill Musgrave (Oregon), Mark Tingstad (Arizono Stote), John Jackson
(Southern California), Mork Fryer (South Carolina), Smith Wilson Hollond (Kansas), Greg
Gornica (Boll Stote), Donold Woyne Hollos (Rice), Sean Mulhearn (Western Michigan).

GEORGIA

Ray Goff, Georgia's new head coach,
must wake up in the morning wondering
what he has got himself into. At only 33, he
has been chosen to replace Vince Dooley, а
guy who won 901 games in 25 years with
the Bulldogs and who people assumed was
leaving his post to run for governor.
Dooley then declined to run, evidently de-
ciding governing wouldnt be as challeng-
ing as trying to win football games in the
S.E.C. He also left Goff a little less experi-
ence than the Bulldogs are used to, with
only ten starters returning from last sca-
son. Sophomore Greg Talley is Goff's best
bet to take on the quarterbacking duties.
Georgia's most potent offensive weapon is
tailback Rodney Hampton, who was prob-
ably the nation's best backup rusher (to
Tim Worley) in 1988. Nose guard Bill
Goldberg and cornerback Ben Smith are
Bulldog standouts on defense. 8-3

NORTH CAROLINA STATE

While coach Jim Valvano and North
Carolina State's basketball team get all the
national publicity, football coach Dick
Sheridan has quietly slipped the Wolfpack
into national contention as a football pow-
er. Last season’ squad went 8-3-1, finishing
the year with a 28—23 win over Iowa in the
Peach Bowl. Sheridan has lost about half
his starters to graduation but has enough
talent to keep the Pack in contention for
another bowl bid. The best players from
the nations eighth-ranked defense return,
as well as dual starting quarterbacks Shane
Montgomery and junior Charles Паусп-
port. 83

BRIGHAM YOUNG

“The fans at Brigham Young are still hav-
ing a hard time accepting the fact that the
Cougars, perennial WA.C. champs, have
failed to win the championship the past
two years. Last year, not only did Wyoming
knock them off for the second year in a
row but BYU also fell to Utah and San
Diego State. Its not that the Cougars aren't
as good as they usually are; it’s just that, as
coach Lavell Edwards says, “Everyone else
seems to be getting better.” However, this
year’s team, led by the quarterbacking
tandem of Sean Covey and Лу Detmer, is
improved. If Edwards can fill holes on the
offensive line and in the secondary, BYU
may teach those upstarts a lesson. 8-4

HAWAN

Hawaii coach Bob Wagner has a win-
ning formula: Schedule as many games as
Possible at home and lull the opposition to
sleep with swaying palm trees, hula skirts
and lots of Don Ho tunes. The Rainbows
are up to their tricks again this year, with
tenof 12 games on the slate at Aloha Stadi-
um. And, to top it off, Hawaii has a good
football team. Тһе Rainbows return nine
starters on defense, plus kick-return
specialist Larry Khan-Smith. If Wagner
can find a quarterback and solidify the

offensive line, Hawaii may find the bowl
bid that eluded it last year. 8-4

DUKE

Coach Steve Spurrier has one of the best
offensive minds in college football. Last
season, he took Anthony Dilweg, a fifth-
year senior who had previously started in
only two games, and turned him into the
A.C. Player of the Year. This year, hell
try to work the same magic with Alabama
transfer Billy Ray. And with Playboy All-
America wide receiver Clarkston Hines to
throw to, Ray vill likely succeed. Duke's
problem remains a weak defense. IF
Spurrier figures out defenses as well as of-
fenses, look for Duke in a bowl game. 7-4

BOSTON COLLEGE

The Boston College Eagles are accus-
tomed to playing one of the nations
toughest schedules, regularly taking on
Penn State, Notre Dame and the like. They
arent, however, accustomed to winning
only three games, a career low for nine-
year coach Jack Bicknell. With 13 starters
returning and Notre Dame off the sched-
ule, the Eagles and Bicknell should turn it
around this year. However, BC will need
the quick development of some young line-
men in order to crack the top 20. 7-4

WASHINGTON

Last season, Washington lost five foot-
ball games by a total of 15 points. The re-
sult was that the Huskies failed to receive a
bowl bid for the first time in nine years.
Washington has been accustomed to hav-
ing its way with the bottom half of the con-
ference, but now that the Pac 10 is the
toughest in the nation, the Huskies have to
worry about more than USC and UCLA.
Coach Don James may have а secret
weapon this year in quarterback Cary
Conklin, а 6'4” strong-arm passer in the
mold of former Huskies standouts Chris
Chandler and Steve Pelluer. However,
Washington returns no proven running
backs or wide receivers. The defense, last
in the conference against the rush last sea-
son, will rely on Playboy All-America tack-
le Dennis Brown. 7-4

ARIZONA STATE

If you play in the tough Рас 10 and aren't.
one of the two conference dominators
(USC and UCLA), how do you get an ad-
vantage? How about eight home games?
That's the schedule that coach Larry
Marmie’s Sun Devils team is looking at thi
season. Last year, Arizona State managed a
6-5 record despite losing 29 players to іп-
jury for part or all of the season. At one
point, Marmie played a safety at lineback-
er because five linebackers had been side-
lined. This year’s squad hopes to have
better luck. The defense is led by Shane
Collins, a 64”, 272-pound tackle who is
only a sophomore. Mark Tingstad at line-
backer and Nathan LaDuke at defensive
back are also standouts. pd

ILLINOIS

Illinois coach John Mackovic earned
Big Ten Coach of the Year Award last year.
He took over a losing program (7-14-1 the
previous two seasons) on the brink of scan-
dal and turned in a 6-5-1 record and a
third-place finish in the Big Ten. Illinois
rewarded Mackovic by making him athlet-
ic director as well as coach. Now he is faced
with the challenge of equaling or bettering
uccess. On the plus side, he
5 g quarterback Jeff George.
The much-heralded and well-traveled
О.В. finally found a home in Champaign
last year and seems ready to fulfill his ear-
lier press releases. However, the Illini pass-
ing attack will suffer from the graduation
of running back Keith Jones, who gained
1108 yards and kept opposing defenses
honest. 7A

INDIANA.

There's not much doubt about Indiana's
being able to score points this season.
Quarterback Dave Schnell (1877 yards and
nine TDs passing) and wide receiver Rob
Turner (36 catches for 814 yards) add up to
a potent aerial attack. And Anthony
Thompson, the first Hoosier consensus all-
America in 43 years, will try to surpass last.
season's awesome stats (1686 yards rushing
and 26 1.0.5). But the offense, which aver-
aged 33 points a game last year, actually
has to better those totals, since the defense
haslost ten of 11 starters. If coach Bill Mal-
lory can get a young defense to gel, the
iers could surprise. 7-4

SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI

Not many college football fans up North
follow the fortunes of Southern Mississip-
pi. But after the Golden Eagles went 10-2
last season, losing only to Florida State and
Auburn, they may want to start. Junior
quarterback Brett Favre, rated very high
by those teams that played against him, re-
turns to lead an offense that averaged al-
most 29 points a game. Some new faces оп
defense and a tougher schedule will cut
down the wins, but coach Curley Hallman's
team still bears watching. 7-4

SOUTH CAROLINA

The South Carolina football program
has suffered a number of setbacks in the
past year: the Sports Illustrated story about
player Tommy Chai steroid abuse, the
indictment of four assistant coaches (three
subsequently pleaded guilty to lesser
charges, one was acquitted) and the pass-
ing of coach Joe Morrison (Playboy Coach
of the Year in 1985). New coach Sparky
Woods inherits some talented position
players in quarterback Todd Ellis, who has
already passed for 8579 career yards, and
running back Harold Green, who is capa-
ble of a 1500-yard season. The Gamecocks
are not deep, particularly on defense, so
staying healthy is a priority. 1-4

OKLAHOMA STATE

When the N.C.A.A. placed Oklahoma
State on probation at the end of last season,

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159

PLAYBOY

160

it cost the Cowboys more than ТУ and
bowl appearances. It cost them the best
running back in college football, maybe
ever, because Heisman Trophy winner
Barry Sanders decided it was better to play
for the money in the spotlight of the N.EL.
than in the obscurity of a blacked-out pro-
gram in Stillwater. OSU still has an abun-
dance of good football players, headed by
quarterback Mike Gundy, who is only 800
yards short of becoming the Big Eight's all-
time passing leader. Sanders’ heir appar-
ent is junior Gerald Hudson, who rushed
for more than 100 yards in each of three
spring scrimmages. 7-4

LOUISVILLE

Louisville's Howard Schnellenberger is
fond of saying, “The most exciting thing
today in college football is happening in
Louisville.” The head coachs hyperbole
may not be completely unfounded. The
Cardinals were 8-3 last season, and the
entire defensive team is returning. But
Schnellenberger's dreams of glory for this
team may be spoiled because of the lack of
a trigger man. Five candidates wait in the
wings to replace departed quarterback Jay
Gruden, but none as yet have caught the
coach's fancy Nevertheless, Schnellen-
berger predicts a top-20 finish and a ma-
jor-bowl bid for his team. 7-4

PITTSBURGH

Coach Mike Gottfried thought he finally
had all the pieces this year to put together
a big season for the Panthers, His highly
touted recruiting classes of the past three
years were reaching maturity. Players such
as defensive tackle Marc Spindler and cen-
ter Dean Caliguire are ready to provide
Pitt with solid line play. East Independent
Rookie of the Year Curvin Richards (1228
yards) is one of the best sophomore backs
in the nation. But then last season's start-
ing quarterback, Darnell Dickerson, was
тшесі academically ineligible апа back-
up Q.B. Larry Wanke transferred, leaving
the Panthers with a lot of horses but по
jockeys. 6-5

CALIFORNIA

Coach Bruce Snyder is high on quarter-
back Troy Taylor, giving him a chance to be
the best in the country and linking his
name with guys such as Joe Montana. High
praise, but Taylor will surpass the Q.B.
records of Golden Bears alums Craig Mor-
ton and Steve Bartkowski by season's end.
While Snyder may have the man he needs
at quarterback, he is still looking for run-
ning backs and an offensive line, positions
that will have to be filled by freshmen and
junior college transfers. If California can
survive an early schedule that includes Mi-
ami and UCLA on the road, it may devel-
op into one of the surprise teams of the
Рас 10. 6-5

ARIZONA

Arizona is another of the tough Pac 10
teams hoping to finish third behind USC

and UCLA. But in this competitive league,
one key injury can drop a team several
notches, because the rest of the league is so
dosely matched in terms of talent. The
Wildcats’ strength is their running game,
best in the Pac 10 the past two seasons. The
offensive line will be inexperienced, while
the defense, which lived through six
sophomores in the starting line-up last sea-
son, should be improved. 6-5

‘OHIO STATE

When coach John Cooper took over the
Ohio State program after the dismissal of
Farle Bruce, he expected to have a tough
first season. He was bringing in a new sys-
tem and the Buckeyes had graduated a
host of talented seniors. Cooper, however,
didn't anticipate that Ohio State would go
4-6-1, its worst finish since pre-Woody
Hayes days. Cooper's team was beset by in-
juries and ineligible players. This year's
team, led by tailback Carlos Snow and jun-
ior quarterback Greg Frey, should get back
on the right side of .500, though there
arent as many Big Ten patsies as there
used to be. Cooper needs another year or
two to get his program and recruits in
place. 6-5

EAST INDEPENDENTS:

‘Syracuse 9-2
Penn State 8-3
West Virginia

Boston College 7-4
Pittsburgh 6-5

Army
Rutgers
Temple
Navy

ALL-EAST INDEPENDENT: Wooden, Burnett,
Moore, Flannery, Bednarz, Bavaro (Syracuse); B.

Thomas, Collins, Chizmat Duffy Schonewolt
(Penn State); Harris, Rembert, Turnbull, Haer-
ing, Whitmore (West Virginia); Свету, Lowe,
Caesar, Labbe, Kamphaus (Boston College);
Hampton, Caliguire, Richards, Tuten, Riddick,
Spindler Siragusa (Pittsburgh); Mayweather,
Miller, Barnett, Thorson, Frey (Army); Erney, Tar-
dy, McQueen, Udovich (Rutgers); Square, John-
son, Haynes, Beck, Rush, Armstrong (Temple);
Weissenfels, Grizzard. Kirkland, Lowe (Navy).

Syracuse and West Virginio appear 10
again be strong contenders for top-20 hon-
ors this season. Penn Stete will almost cer-
tainly rebound from an uncharacteristic
losing season, as will Boston College. Pitts-
burgh, its top-20 aspirations stymied by the
academic ineligibility of star quarterback
Darnell Dickerson, still has a lot of talent.
And Army, under coach Jim Young,
promises to continue its winning ways.
The three rem g East Independents
will fight through tough schedules in
search of winning seasons. Rutgers had
some big moments last season, knocking
off Michigan State and upsetting Penn
State, the Scarlet Knights’ first win over
the Nittany Lions in 70 years. Quarterback
Scott Erney, who holds virtually every Rut-
gers passing mark, returns for his senior
season, Temple coach Jerry Berndt is un-
happy with an Owls schedule that features
seven road games. “We're sort of a travel-
ing road show,” he quipped as he was и
ing to find the same magic that he used to

turn around Penns football program in
the early Eighties. Navy's chances for a suc
cessful season may have sunk during
spring drills, when a rash of injuries struck
the Midshipmen. Fortunately, Navy's best
player, free safety Bob Weissenfels, was
held out of the drills because he was still
recovering from a shoulder injury he suf-
fered last season. Coach Elliot Uzelacs
prescription for winning: “We have to be
overachievers.”

WY LEAGUE

Pennsylvania 8-2 Brown
Dartmouth 5-4 Yale

6-4 Harvard
6-4 Columbia

Соте!
Princeton.

ALLIVY: Keys, Johnson, Glover, Moshyedi, Whal-

ey Poderys (Pennsylvania); Johnson, Clark,
Casturo, Hibbard (Dartmouth); Lee, Mannings,
Parks, Monago, McNiff, Field (Comell); Gar-
тей, Pagnarelli, Lutz (Princeton); Geroux,
Clark, Burke, Tauber, Harrison (Brown); Reese,
Huff, Brown, Perks, Verduzco, Callahan (Yale):
Reidy, Gicewicz (Harvard); Paschall, Pollard,
Bess, Johnson (Columbia).

Pennsylvania got back on top of the Ivy
League last season with a 9—1 mark. Coach
Ed Zubrow, who led the Quakers to two
league titles in three years and a record of
23-7, resigned to take over the antidrug
and drop-out-prevention programs for the
Philadelphia public school system. Assist-
ant Gary Steele stepped in as head coach.
Although Penn lost 18 starters from last
seasons squad, it still has an excellent
chance ю win the league title because of
returning players such as running back
Bryan Keys (116.5-yard average per game)
and quarterback Malcolm Glover. Dert-
mouth coach Buddy Teevens has done a
good recruiting job the past two years and
his team has spent a lot of the off season in
the weight room. Quarterback Mark John-
son has a strong arm and good mobility.
Ivy League co-champion Cornell has a
new coach, Jack Fouts, and only seven
starters returning from last season. The
Big Red hopes it can pick up enough expe-
rience in early out-of-league games to have
another run at the title by the time the
league schedule begins. Princeton coach
Steve "Iosches lost quarterback Jason Gar-
rett to graduation but still has his running-
back brother Judd. Tosches also has most
of his starters back on defense, led by
linebacker Franco Pagnanelli. The Tigers
are on the upswing but still a year away
from contending, Brown would like to find
the winning feeling it had back іп 1987,
when it finished 7-3. Last season's 0-9-1
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since graduated their three best players:
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running back Buddy Zachery, Quarter-
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161

PLAYBOY

162 young

opening game last year because of a knee
injury, will try а comeback. Last year, we
predicted that Harvard would win the Ivy
and that coach Joc Restic would get his
100th career win. Harvard fell on its face
and left us red in the face. The Crimson
won a paltry two games and Re: still
three wins short of 100. Columbia broke col-
lege football's longest losing streak and ap-
pears to have enough talent not to start
another one. Running back Solomon John-
son was Ivy League Rookie of the Year last
season.

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

Louisiana State 9-2 Tennessee
Aubum 9-2 Vanderbilt
8-3 Mississippi
8-3 Mississippi
6-5 State
5-6

ALL-SOUTHEASTERN: Hodson, Moss, Browndyke,
Rodrigue, Fuller, H. Williams. Dunbar, Boutte
(Louisiana State); King, Rocker, Ogletree, Rig-
gins, Slack, Darley, Lyle (Auburn); McCants,
Jelks, Ozmint, Mangum, Wyatt, Doyle (Ala-
bama); Hampton, Goldberg. Smith, Lewis, Mull.
Douglas, Marshall (Georgia); E. Smith, Richard-
son, Francis, Simmons, Durden, Miles, Peulk,
Fain (Florida); Pfeifer, Barnett, Massey, Holleran
(Kentucky); Still, Hobby, Warren, Woods, Harper.
Kline, Elmore (Tennessee); Winston, Gromos,
Law, McCarroll, Reese, G. Smith (Vanderbilt);
Sandroni, Bennett, Cobb, Coleman, Green,
Childers, Pritchett (Mississippi); J. Williams,
Fair, Т. Robertson, Logan (Mississippi State).

Lovisiane Stete and Auburn, co champions
of the S.E.C. last year, could repeat the feat
again this season. They both have experi-
enced quarterbacks, explosive offenses
and excellent coaching. Alabama has the
defensive weapons but may lack offensive
punch. Georgia has a new coach and а
young, inexperienced team. Florida has
some great players, such 2s Playboy All-
America running back Emmutt Smith and.
wide receiver Stacey Simmons. However,
the Gators lost a lot of talent and experi-
ence on defense to graduation. Kentucky
has its strongest team in coach Jerry Clai-
borne's cight-year tenure. Lack of experi-
enced players at quarterback and punter,
plus a tough schedule, will stop the Wild-
cats’ bid for a winning "They
should, however, pull off at least one major
upset along the way Tennessee suffered
through a Jekyll-and-Hyde season last
year, losing its first six, winning its last five.
Coach Johnny Majors will look to Ster
Henton to replace the departed Jeff Fran-
cis at quarterback. Vanderbilt continues to.
recruit well under coach Watson Brown.
"The Gommodores should be tougher on
defense this season with the return of
eight starters, The offense will shift to a
drop-back pro-style attack to u
strong arm of quarterback John С
Mississippi is still chasing the memory of its
1986 campaign, when it finished 8-3-1
Coach Billy Brewer will tall John
Darnell at quarterback and look 10 some
players to supplement ‘Todd

season.

Sandroni, the 5.Е.С.5 interception leader
the past two seasons, in the defensive
backfield. Mississippi State coach Rockey
Felker revamped his staff, bringing in
seven new assistants. Top running back

David Fair has recovered from a knee
injury that kept him out of the line-up last
season, but the Bulldogs dont have much
of an offensive line to open holes for him.

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE
Clemson 8-3 — Georgialech 5-6
N. Carolina St. 8-3 — Wake Forest 5-6
Virginia 8-4 Maryland 4-7
Duke 7-4 М Сайта 3-8

ALL-ATLANTIC COAST: Lott, Allen, Hammond,
McDaniel, Gardocki, Cooper (Clemson); Agnew,
Campbell, Davenport, Adell, 1. Johnson, Vin-
son, Houston (North Carolina State); Brown, Sav-
age, Covington, Finkelston. McMeans, Moore,
O'Connor, Toliver (Virginia); Hines, Boone, Co-
lonna, Metts, Peterson, Port (Duke) Mays,
Jenkins, Lester, Thomas, Burks, Swilling (Geor-
gia Tech); Proehl, Hoyle, Ferguson, Mayberry,
Lingerfelt, Young (Wake Forest); O'Donnell,
Agent. В. Johnson, Saylor, Webster (Maryland);
pmo Martin, Gray, Hollier, Dorn (North Caro-
ina)

Clemson again appears to have enough
talent to dominate the conference, though
North Carolina State could surprise. Virginia
has the next best chance for a winning sea-
son. It has 18 starters returning from its
7-4 team of last year, including outstand-
ing offensive guard Roy Brown. Duke's de-
fensive weaknesses will cost it in its crunch
games with the Tigers and the Wolfpack.
Georgio Tech was better last year than its
3-8 record would indicate. Goach Bobby
Ross's charges lost six games by a total of
32 points. This year’s team will fare better
if Ross can find a quarterback. Redshirt
freshman Kevin Battle, already dubbed
“The new Refrigerator,” will make his
6'5", 339-pound presence feli at nose
guard. Wake Forest will have trouble equal-
ing last seasons 6-4-1 record because of
the loss of quarterback Mike Elkins and
а veteran second: Watch. for tailback
Anthony Williams to make an impact
a more conservative game plan. The
Demon Deacons have a weaker schedule
than last year but a weaker team to go with
Maryland returns an almost-intact high-
impact offense, including quarterback Neil
O'Donnell, who has a better completi
percentage than former Terp Boomer Е
ason. Its biggest problem is a schedule that
includes Penn State, Clemson and Мк
gan. Last year, North Carolina was simply
perienced defensively to stop ai
one. A tough early schedule shattered the
young team’s confidence and it never re-
covered, finishing 1-10. This year's team
has more experience but still lacks over-all
speed and depth. Playboy All-America of-
fensive guard Pat Crowley is one of the na-
tions best.

Not only are Miami and Florida State the
strongest teams of the South Independ-
ents, they are as good as any other football

team in the country. South Carolina has
great talent but a new coach and less depth.
Southern Mississippi will fare well against all
but top-20 competition. Virginia Tech re-
turns 19 starters and hopes to improve on
last seasons 3-8 record, Quarterback Will

‘SOUTH INDEPENDENTS

Miami 10-1 Virginia Tech 5-6
Florida State 9-2 Memphis State 4-7
South Carolina 7-4 East Carolina 4-7
Southern

Tulane. 4-1
Mississippi 1-4

ALL-SOUTH INDEPENDENT. Merk, Crum, J.
Jones, Maryland, Sullivan (Miami); Haggins. К
Smith, Carter, Willis, Lewis (Florida State); Ellis,
Mackie, Green, Hinton, Price, Brooks (South
Carolina); Favre, Williams, Bradley, King, Till-
men, Watts, Ryals (Southern Mississippi:
Moronta, Hill, Roger Brown, Pavlik, Jefines,
Richardson, Cockrell Virgniaect), More Eps,
Wilson, Pryor (Memphis State) В. Jones, A.
Thompson, Robinson, Lowe (East Carolina):
Price, Pierce, McIntosh (Tulane).

Furrer will try to cut down the intercep-
tions (16 last year). Memphis State has to
regroup after coach Charlie Bailey's resig-
nation amid reports that one of his players
was overpaid for а summer job by a school
booster. The Tigers’ best player is free
safety Eddic Moore, who was second in the
nation last season in pass interceptions. At
East Carolina, new coach Bill Lewis hasn't
very high aspirations: “1 just want an of-
fense like Florida State's and a defense like
7 Lewis has a lot of successful
ing to do before that can become а
reality. The bad news at Tulane is that quar-
terback ‘Terrence Jones has graduated
after leading the Green Wave to three
consecutive record-setting seasons. More
bad news is that most of the defense that
allowed an average of more than 30 points
per game over the past two seasons is back.

Michigan
Illinois

Indiana

Ohio State.

Michigan State. МЫ

ALL-BIG TEN. McMurtry, Skrepanek, Boles,
Grant, Brown, Taylor, Walker. Hoard, Welborne
(Michigan); George, Gardner Brownlow, Pri-
mous, Agee (lilinois); A Thompson, Schnell,
Tumer, Vargo, Dumas (Indiana);

Snow, Davidson, O'Momow, Staysniak, Du-
mes, Brown, Gurd (Ohio State); Snow Kula,
Еги, Davis, Langeloh, Vanderbeek, Barnett
(Michigan State); Quast, Stewart, Anderson
(lowa); D. Thompson, Gaiters, Leverenz, Her-
bel (Minnesota); Trieb, Williams, Kelson, Jack-
son, McCarthy (Purdue); Pierce, Magezzeni,
Banaszak, Hunter, White, Davey (Wisconsin):
Christian, Vest, Griswold, Adler (Northwestern).

The Big Ten has been much maligned in
recent years, failing to win impressively
in its carly out-of-conference schedule or
in bowl games. Michigan took a major step
toward rectifying that situation by finally
ing the Rose Bowl last season against
a strong Southern California team. Mich

gan again looks like the class of the league,
with Illinois and Indiana having a legiti
shot at the. number-two spot. Ohi
should get on the right side of
zar under the guidance of coach John
Cooper. Michigan State, which has been one
of the Big Ten's top rushing teams over the
past two seasons (271.2-yard average per
game), will feel the loss of five of six start-
ing offensive linemen. Coach George
Perles is intent on developing a better pass-
ing game, utilizing new quarterback Dan
Enos. The Spartans have а tough early
schedule with games against Notre Dame,
mi and Michigan. Hayden Fry's lowa
team is looking at a down year because of
the graduation of 13 starters, including
quarterback Chuck Hartlieb, tight end
Магу Cook and linemen Dave Haight and
Bob Kratch. Tom Poholsky will try to fill
Hartliebs shoes, while linebacker Brad
Quast will lead the defense. Minnesota.
boasts a few grcat players, such as Playboy
All-America running back Darrell
Thompson, receiver Chris Gaiters and
linebacker Jon Leverenz. But questions at
quarterback and on both sides of the line
will plague the Gophers. Purdue has
switched defensive linemen to offense in
an effort to improve an ancmic ground at-
tack. Flanker Calvin Williams is a deep
threat but is often double-covered. А
strong 1988 recruiting class will help but
probably not until next year. Wisconsin
coach Don Morton has ndoned his
much hyped “veer” offense afier the Radg-
ers finished ninth last year in the Big Ten
in offense and won only one game. Mor-
1018 problems were compounded when
quarterback Tony Lowery opted to drop
football in favor of basketball. The Badg-
ers have the unwelcome duty of opening
against Miami. Northwestern's reputation as
the Ivy League school of the Midwest will
not be tarnished by a winning record from
its football team. Coach Francis Peay has
recruited some better talent for the Wild-
cats, but they are still a couple of years
away from being able to contribute. NU
has some beautiful S.A. T. scores, however.

MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE

Ball Stale 8-3 Ohio University 5-6
Central Eastern
Michigan 8-3 Michigan 5-6
Western Bowling Green 5-6
Michigan 6-5 Kent State 4-1
Toledo 5-6 Miami of Ohio 29

ALL-MID-AMERICAN: Riley, Parmalee, Garnica,
Sticker (Ball State), Dennis, D. Johnson,

Wierenga. Bender, Riley (Central Nichigan);
Smeenge, Agema, Kraus (Westem Michigan);
Spidel, Saunders, Trotter, Evans (Toledo); баг-
rett, Terry, Cross (Ohio University); Мука, Towe,

Foster, Sullivan, Schmidt, Gordon (Eastern
Michigan); Thornton, Shale, Addie, Wilson
(Bowling Green); Massimiani, Harmon, Hart-
man, Stratton, Stria (Kent State): Ondrula,
Hanks, Napoli (Miami of Ohio)

The Mid-American Conference doesn't
get as much air time as the other Division I

football conferences and it doesn’t turn as
many college players into pros. It does,
however, feature well-coached and closely
contested games every week of the season.
Three teams appear to һауе a strong shot
at the conference title this year. Ball State,
8—3 last season, lost 12 starters but still has
a solid nucleus of talented players led by
linebacker Greg Garnica and tailback
Bernie Parmalee. The Cardinals have
tough out-of-conference games against
West Virginia and. Rutgers. Centrol Mi
gan would be the strongest team in the
conference if running back John Hood
were not questionable because of a knee in-
jury. Tailback Donnic Riley, all-M.A.C. last
season, will have to carry the load alone.
Western Michigan, last years conference
champion, will have trouble replacing con-
ference M. VP Tony Kimbrough at quarter-
back. The best part of the Broncos’ game
will be their defense, which returns eight
starters. Toledo coach Dan Simrell is talking:
aggressive defense because of the return
of eight starters on that side of the ball.
‘The Rockets’ best offensive weapon is tail-
back Neil Trotter, who rushed for 783
yards last усаг. Ohio University coach Cleve
Bryant is gradually turning around a los-
ing program. Last season. the Bobcats
finished 4-6-1, a record they might have
improved upon this season were it not for
nonconference road games with Iowa
State, Vanderbilt and Louis е. East-
em Michigan also returns the bulk of its
defense, hut the Huron top player is of-
fensive tackle Eric Towe (6'6", 280
pounds). Bowling Green has two of the best
receivers in the conference in Reggie
Thornton and Ron Heard. The big ques-
tion for the Falcons is whether or not quar-
terback Rich Dackin will be completely
recovered from the broken wrist that side-
lined him last season. Kent State, which was
a pre-season conference favorite last yea
suffered a rash of injuries that left it at
5-6. This season may be even tougher
with the loss of running back Егіс Wilker-
n, now with the Pittsburgh Steelers, and
the questionable status of quarterback
Patrick Young, who may not return for his
junior year. Miami of Ohio, which suffered
through a 0-10-1 season last year, faces Рит-
due, Michigan State and Cincinnati in its
first three games this year. lt promises to
be a long season for the Redskins.

MIOWEST INDEPENDENTS.

Notre Dame — 12-0 Northern illincis 7-4
Louisville 1-4 Cincinnati 2-9

ALL-MIDWEST INDEPENDENT: Rice, Grunhard,
D. Brown, Ismail, Alm, Zorich, Bolcar, Stone-
breaker Terrell (Notre Dame); Sander, Doug-
las, fortune, Alexander (Louisville); Delisi,
Dach, lvanic, Tucker (Northern Illinois); Bru-
scianelli, Таш, Bowman (Cincinnati)

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PLAYBOY

another fine season, though a more
difficult schedule and the lack of an obv
ous starting quarterback could hurt its

CORRUPTION
IN COLLEGE
ATHLETICS:

COLE'S
QUICK FIX

TOO MANY COLLEGES bribe their star
athletes. Drive by the football-team
parking lot full of Jags and ZXs next
to the practice field. Check out the
Rolexes and gold chains some of the
players wear. Call the bank to see if
the mortgage on the family home
was paid off just after the blue-chip
football prospect decided which col-
lege to attend. Count the college
players who have agents before the
season has even begun.

Not all standout players take mon-
ey In even the dirtiest of programs.
There are still some people in the
big-time game of college athletics
who play by the rules. But their
numbers dwindle as big money cor
rupts some of thc nation's most
gifted athletes.

The system needs to be changed.
First, pay the players. Give them a
fair living allowance in addition to.
their tuition, room and board, so
that they can pay for a movie, buy
clothes, make a car payment or send
money home, if that is where it is
most needed. The allowance need
not be high—$500 a month, or
$6000 a ycar, to a prescribed num-
ber of athletes at each school. A per-
centage of gate and television
receipts should be set aside by the
N.C.A.A. to create a fund for these
payments. Second, throw the cheat-
ers out of the game. If clear viola-
tions of the rules are proven, the
perpetrators— players, coaches, col-
lege administrators, alumni—must
be banned from further contact
with the sport.

What is at stake is not the game of
college football. It thrives remark-
ably well in terms of attendance
figures and TV ratings. What is at
stake is the integrity of too many
young men who are taught by the
system that cheating is OK, that the
rules apply only to the less talented.
The players deserve a system that
oflers them some minimum com-
pensation and a bctter opportunity
to remain honest.

cause. Northern Illinois will miss Marshall
Taylor, its wishbone-wizard quarterback,
who has graduated after starting for four
seasons. Fullback Adam Dach, who gained
906 yards as a freshman last season, will
carry the rushing load on his shoulders,
which shouldn't be too big a burden, since
Dach (six feet, 200 pounds) can bench-
press 336 pounds. The Huskies will get a
brush with the big time when they play Ne-
braska at Lincoln in September. Tim Mur-
phy takes over a beleaguered Cincinnati
football program. The Bearcats, 3-8 last
season, return just four starters from last
year's offense, plus they face some scholar-
ship restrictions for N.C.A.A. rules viola-
tions. Murphy hasrit experienced a losing
season in ten years as an assistant or head
coach. This year will likely break his string.

BIG EIGHT

Missouri

lowa State.
Colorado Kansas

Oklahoma State 74 Kansas State 1-1 210

ALL-BIG EIGHT: Young, Glaser Clark, Mills,
Wells, Cooper, Gregory, Calienco (Nebraska);
Evans, Perry, Manning, Gaddis (Oklahoma); Bie-
niemy, McGhee, Williams, Young, Vander Poel,
Walker, Muilenberg (Colorado); Gundy, Blan-
chard, Green, Colbert, R. Smith (Oklahoma
State); A. Jones, Stowers, Bruton, Miller Mac-
Donald, L. Johnson (Missouri), Shudak, Busch,
Shane, Sims, Robertson (lowa State); Donohoe,
0. Smith, Lohsen (Kansas); Washington, Yni-
guez, Henry, Miller (Kansas State).

Nebraska

Nebraska has the cdge this year in the
Big Eight, as Oklahoma will feel the loss
of quarterback Charles Thompson. This
could be the year Colorado will upset one of
the big two. Oklahema State has another ex-
cellent team, but it is probably not good
enough to finish higher than fourth. New
Missouri coach Bob Stull will bring the pro-
style attack he used so successfully at Tex-
as—El Paso. He inherits some reasonable
talent from Woody Widenhofer's regime,
but it will take time to switch the Tigers
over from their wishbone habits. Missouri's
first-half schedule, with games against In-
diana, Miami, Arizona State and Big Fight
opponents Colorado and Nebraska, is mur-
derous. lewa State will miss the talents of
running backs Joe Henderson and Curtis
Warren. Cyclone place kicker Jeff Shudak
(29 out of 33 from 49 yards or closer) is a
factor in tight games. Kansas coach Glen
Mason says, “1 1t broke, don't fix it. If
its broke, try anything.” That’s what Ma-
son and the Jayhawks, 1-10 last season,
will do. The problem is that Mason doesn't.
have enough talented players with whom
to try. The situation may be even more crit-
ical at Kansas State, which failed to win a
game last season. New coach Bill Snyder
must be an optimist just to take the job.
Both Kansas schools will point to October
28, when they meet, knowing at least one
of them will come away with a victory.

Houston, Arkansas and Texas A&M arc the

Southwest Conference's strongest teams.

Baylor will rely on its defense, which coach
Grant Teaff thinks can be the best in the
conterence, in its bid to improve on ns
season's 6-5 mark. The Bears will also t;
to stay away from injury, which caused 33
of its 44 best players to miss at least part of
last season. Coach David McWilliams con-
tinues his rebuilding efforts at Texes. The
Longhorns return 15 starters from last
season and should improve over last sea-
son's 4—7 record. Texas Tech will miss quar-
terback Billy Joe Tolliver, now with the San
Diego Chargers. Tolliver set 16 school

SOUTHWEST CONFERENCE

Texas Tech 5-6
Texas Christian 4-7
Rice 2-9

Southern
Methodist 1-10

ALL-SOUTHWEST: Lathon. Montgomery, Banes,
Ware, Weatherspoon, Oglesby, Forsythe, Ro-
driguez (Houston); Shepherd, Grovey, Mabry, P
Williams, Foster (Arkansas), Lewis, Wallace,
McCall, R. Wilson, Webb, Washington, G. Jones
(Базы тепсіз, Blackmon, Bass, Tum-

Jones, Кіппе, Welch (Baylor)
rien Y Jones, Cunningham, B. Jones,
Richard, Clements (Texas); Gray, Odiorne, Har-
Tis, Simmons, Richburg (Texas Tech); Е Wash-
ington, Sullivan, Darthard, Crump (Texas
Christian); Hollas, Brigance (Rice).

records on offense in his career. Sopho-
more quarterback. Jamie Gill vill try to fill
the void. Texas Christion coach Jim Wacker
has amended his run-and-shoot offense
aud renamed it ше “triple shoot.” 118 sup-
posed to give the Horned Frogs a better
passing attack. The problem is that TCU is
short on good quarterback talent. Rice has
the unenviable position of holding the na-
tion's longest current Division 1-A losing
streak (18). Last year, the Owls had so
many problems on defense that starting
quarterback Donald Hollas was switched
to safety. “This year, we're going to forget
he ever played defense,” vows new coach
Fred Goldsmith. The Southern Methodist
football program is reborn this season aft-
er suffering through an N.C.A.A. death
penalty for repeated infractions. Coach
Forrest Gregg, who became well acquaint-
ed with adversity as coach of the Green
Bay Packers, faces another awesome chal-
lenge, as the Mustangs have only 41 players
on scholarship, 39 of whom have never
played in a college football game. In an ef-
fort to put football back into an appropri-
ate perspective at SMU, the Mustangs will
play their home games at renovated Own-
by Stadium, capacity 94,576.
.

Lack of national-television exposure is
the major reason that the natior's media
constantly overlook and underrate the Pac
10. After a selection of late-morning and
early-afternoon East and Midwest contests,
the airwaves and viewers eyes east of the
Rockies are exhausted. Too bad, because
the Pac 10 is clearly the nation’s strongest
football conference, boasting а combined
nonconfcrence record last season of 29-7.

Last years conference champ, Southem
California, should win again based on its su-
perior defensive unit. UCLA, Washington, Ar-
izona State, California and Arizona all have
strong teams and will take turns beating
one another after they have pummcled
their nonconference competition. Oregon
returns its offense almost intact, including
quarterback Bill Musgrave, who returns
after suffering a broken collarbone last
October. The Ducks also return tailback

PACIFIC 10

Southern
California
LA

Washington
Arizona State 7-4
California 6-:

ALL-PAC 10: Ryan, Carrier, Colter, Tucker, Ross,
Jackson, Holt, Galbraith, Emanuel, Owens, Gib-
son, Chesley (Southern California); Cornish, Lo-
dish, Velasco, Arbuckle, Tumer, Farr Meyer
Davis, Darby, Moore (UCLA); D. Brown, Conklin,
Burkhalter, Erostek, Lang, Harrison (Washing-
ton); Collins, LaDuke, Tingstad, Justin,
McReynolds, Perkins, Underwood (Arizona
State); Keen, Taylor, Ortega, Hardy, Ford, Taga-
loa (California); C. Singleton, К. Singleton,
Brandom, Greathouse, Eldridge, McGill, Lewis
(Arizona), Oldham, Loville, Musgrave, Obee,
Kearns (Oregon); Broussard, Stallworth, Han-
son, Savage, Gray (Washington State); Ar-
chambeau, Hinckley, Volpe, Papathanassiou,
Hopkins, Tunney, Grant, Scott (Stanford); Chaf-
fey, Ross, McDaniels, Bussanich, Tuaolo, Bailey
(Oregon State).

Oregon Slate

Derek Loville, who rushed for more than
1200 yards last season. Washington State,
coming off a spectacular 9-3 season, has
lost 14 starters, including quarterback
Timm Rosenbach, plus coach Dennis
Erickson, who cross-countried to the Uni-
versity of Miami to replace Jimmy John-
son. New coach Mike Price will try Bi
Gossen at quarterback and stay with Erick:
son's wide-open offensive style. Dennis
Green, former receivers’ coach for the
49ers, takes over the reins at Stanford. Не
has already landed an impressive recruit-
ing class and Cardinals fans smell a win-
ner. Stanford, however, has a bummer
schedule that includes Notre Dame as well
as conference bullies UCLA and USC. Ore-
gon State is easily the nations best team
picked to finish last in a conference. Coach
Dave Kragthorpe has three candidates vy-
ing for the quarterback position vacated by
graduated Erik Wilhelm. The Beavers will
fill the air with footballs regardless of
which one takes the snaps.

While Wyoming, Brigham Young and
Hawaii have identified one another as the
enemy, Air Force will try to use its wishbone
offense to capture the conference crown.
Ironically, the Air Forces forte is its
ground game, second last season (3775-
yard rushing average per game) only to
Nebraska. The Falcons’ problems were and
still are on defense, where they yielded op-
ponents an average of $27 points and
462.8 yards per game. Texas—El Paso will try

to recover from the loss of coach Bob Stull,
who took over at Missouri, and nine assist-
ants and the graduation of starting quar-
terback Pat Hegarty and UTEP all-time
rushing leader John Harvey. New coach
David Lee, formerly an assistant at Arkan-
sas, will have a hairy first year. Utah re-
turns the nation’s leader in total offense
(4299 yards) and passing yards (4322),
junior quarterback Scott Mitchell. The
6'6" southpaw already has pro scouts
drooling. The big story at Colorado State is,
of course, its new coach Earle Bruce. Un-
ceremoniously dumped by Ohio State after
years of winning, Bruce perched tempo-
rarily at Northern Iowa before migrat-
ing to CSU. He doesn't have much talent
to work with but has already introduced
the Rams to discipline, both on and off the
field. If he stays put, it will take him three
years to turn things around. San Diego State

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE
Wyoming 92 Utah 5-7
Brigham Young 8-4 Colorado State 4-/
Hawaii 8-4 San Diego State 4-7
Air Force. 8-4 Кем Mexico 3-8

Texas-El Paso 6-6

ALL-WESTERN ATHLETIC: Donahue, Stay, Daw-
son, Fleming, Gilmore, Harris, Addison,
Schlichting (Wyoming); Covey, Detmer, Davis,
Bellini, Whittingham, Elewonibi (Brigham
Young); Khan-Smith, Maeva, 1. Jones, Roscoe,
Tresler Directo, Briggs, Elam (Hawaii); Dowis, С.
Johnson, Bell, Gladney Walker (Air Force); Sal
Morgan, Barrett,
Mitchell, D. Smith, Harris, Edwards (Utal
Thompson. Epley, Willis (Colorado. Date Gil-
breath, Fortin, Mao, Rowe (San Diego State);
Bell, Leach (New Mexico).

has two big candidates for its quarterback-
ing position: Junior Dan McGwire, the
brother of Oakland As first baseman
Mark, is a 6'8" transfer from Iowa; fresh-
man Cree Morris is 6'7" and still growing.
ycar coach Al Luginbill's biggest con-
cern will be improving an Aztec defense
that held only three opponents under 30
points last season. If that statistic doesn't
improve, the Aztecs might consider chal-
lenging opponents to а game of hoops
Lack of depth is New Mexico's number-one
problem. The talent-thin Lobos have few-
er than 80 players currently on scholar-
ship. Coach Mike Sheppard will look to the
junior colleges for help.

‘This year's race in The Big West could
wind up a carbon copy of last year's. Fresno
State, conference champion and winner of
the California Bowl (35-30 over Western
Michigan), is a heavy favorite to repeat.
Coach Jim Sweeney's Bulldog team will be
led by quarterback Mark Barsotti, who, as
a freshman last year, rang up nearly 1800
yards and nine T.D.s. Barsotti will look to
wide receiver Dwight Pickens and backs
Myron Jones and Aaron Craver, a junior
college transfer with 4.29 speed in the 40.
Linebacker Ron Cox may be the best de-
fensive player in the conference. Cal State—
Fullerton coach Gene Murphy has been

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165

PLAYBOY

166

busy raiding the junior colleges for foot-
ball talent to try to rebuild a defense that
graduated all but three starters. Since J.C.s
can't participate in spring drills, Murphy's
success can't be measured until fall. Run-

THE BIG WEST
9-2 Utah State

5-6
Cal State-
Fullerton 74 Long Beach ER
коза las "
4

Pacific
soni Tose State 6-5

Fresno State
Cal State

New Mexico.

State 1-10

ALL-BIG WEST: Cox, Pickens, J. Williams, Jones,
Ruggeroli,

Martin, Craver (Fresno State);
Pringle, Palamara, Schaffel, Speltz, Redding
(Cal State-Fullerton); Rhynes, Jackson, Rei-
moehl, Wise (Nevada-Las Vegas); J. Johnson,
Evans, Muraoka, Moss, Rasnick, Colar (San Jose
State); Newman, Нипзаке Clark, Lyles, Hansen
(Utah State): McKinnon, D. Washington, Ryan,
Jenkins (Cal State-Long Beach); Koperek,
Brown, Hampton, Thompson, Barlow, Williams
(University of the Pacific); Ly, Dickey, Thomas,
Singleton (New Mexico State).

ning back Mike Pringle, who rushed for
more than 100 yards against West Virginia
last season, is the Titans’ most potent of-
fensive threat, Nevoda-Los Vegas will likely
move up in the conference standings.
Coach Wayne Nunnely's team returns 17
starters, including Tony Rhynes, whose
44.02-yard average makes him the second
leading returning punter in the nation.
Nunnely has yet to decide which of three
underclassmen will take on the quarter-
backing duties. San Jose State has the
hands-down offensive player in the confer
ence in running back Johnny Johnson.
Johnny Jr. will likely surpass the rushing
records of his San Jose State alum dad,

Соло

Johnny Sr, before the end of ше year.
Johnson nearly became the first player to
average in double figures in two sports
when he walked on to the Spartans’ basket-
ball team after the midseason defection of
a number of players. He averaged 11.2 in
basketball, 9.7 points in football. The Spar-
tans should finish second in the confer-
ence, though their over-all record will
suffer because of tough nonconference
games against Miami, Stanford, California
and Arizona State. Utah State has the prob-
lem of finding replacements for both its
departed quarterback Brent Snyder and
Big West Offensive Player of the Year
Kendal Smith, one of the nations premiere
receivers last year. Smith’s departure will
mean double coverage for the Aggies’ oth-
er talented receiver, Patrick Newman. A
murderous nonconlerence schedule in-
cludes Southern Cal and Illinois. Cal State—
Long Beach shifts gears as run-oriented
quarterback Paul Oates replaces graduat-
ed three-year starter. Jeff Graham. What.
the 49ers do on offense won't matter much
unless they can shore up a defense that al-
Towed 385 points last year. New University of
the Pacific coach Walt Harris will switch the
Tigers from a wishbone attack to a pro-set
offense that will feature more passing. Un-
fortunately, Harris doesn't have an experi-
enced quarterback around whom to build
the offense. New Mexico State has won ji
five games in the past four years, inclu
last scason's lonc lory over Ка
(42-99). Place kicker Dat Ly, a Vietnamese
refugee, set school records for accuracy
and field goals made (17 out of 21) last
year

Here's hoping your

am wins.

"Oh, theres no question, you possess some
truly remarkable talents, but we're looking. for somebody

with computer skills.”

College Women

(continued from page 120)

ALL: Yes. Yes.
тілуноу: In detail?
ALL: Yes.

ы лувоу: Do your friends know the size of
your boyfriends’ penises, for example?
GAIL: No, it's not like that. Its not bragging
talk. I mean, we've actually talked about
humorous situations during sex, like fun-
ny noises that happen. We get into some
really funny conversations, and it really
makes you feel better that your sexual
habits are not unusual.

PLAYBOY: But the conversations are not din-
ical, right?

мск: And they're not degrading, We were
talking to the group of guys who live up-
stairs from us, and we asked, “What do
guys talk about when they come home aft-
er being with a girl? Do they talk about it
in detail?” One guy goes, “Yeah, we quiz
them and stuff.” When girls talk, they say,
"Yes, I fooled around,” but they won't sit
and talk about details unless it’s something
funny. ‘They don't say, “Yes, I scored” or “It
was great.” But the guys talk about wom-
en's bodies and what happened in detail.
The way guys talk about girls after sex
seems so degrading.

pLaypoy: What about sexual problems?
They're not all funny noises. Becoming or-
gasmic is part of that learning cycle that
you were talking about, and guys come too
quickly because they're learning, too.
Would you talk about liking a guy who just
wasn't making it in bed?

cai: E did with my old roommate all the
time.

ing. There were two
па very short period
of time, and I was talking about them with
my roommate, She was helping me decide
which one to concentrate on. I was very
confused and said, “Well, he's fun and he's
good in bed, so maybe I should stick with
him." This other guy was not that good in
bed, but he was a nicer guy, so.
т.лувоу: Does girl talk include
of the night you lost your virginity?
h. Can I ask a question? Who here

iscussions

can:
lost her virginity on a one-night stand?
Anybody?

persie: Yes. It was the summer after I

turned sixteen. I had been dating a guy for
a couple of years and he asexual. He
had no interest whatsoever in sex.
PLAYBOY: I bet your mom was happy.

DEBBIE: Actually, my moms real liberal and
she says as long as you protect yourself, go
for it and have a good time. So one week-
end, when my mom was gone, I had all
these big plans for a romantic evening and
my boyfriend stood me up. So 1 went out
and I met this guy and he just jumped on
He was so passionate; 1 had never had
experience before, 1 said, "I've got to
then I sat home that ht alone, cat-

ing chips and crying to my cat. The next
day, [saw the guy again and we went to his
apartment and had sex.

тілуһоу: Was it fun or disappointing?
оные: Well, he started kissing me and
touching me, and I was so highly aroused
1 never even knew that could happen. My
head was just reeling. But then, I don't.
know, I didnt really enjoy it the first time.
For one thing, I was feeling a little guilty
because I was cheating on my boyfriend,
who I was so truly in love with, even
though he was asexual.

Nicki: See, my background is completely
different. In my family, 1 never saw my
parents do anything besides give each oth-
er a peck on the check. My parents did not
talk to me about sex at all. I went to a
Catholic school. They had sex classes, but
the girls were separated from the guys. In
my head was the Catholic morality, “I’m
not going to have sex until I'm married.”
My first serious boyfriend was the one I
went out with for three and a half years.
Ме were at a party one nighi—wed been
going out for about half a year—and we
had been drinking and he tried to have sex
with me. He already knew that I didnt
want to go that far. I'd had a rule with my
previous boyfriend that only one of us
could have our underwear off, because I
thought I could get pregnant if both of us
had our underwear off at the same timc. I
mean, I was very, very naive. So here I am
and hes trying and I'm saying no. The
next time I was with him, the same thing
happened and he tried and I said no. Ten
minutes later, he tried again. I said no. Ten
minutes later, he tried again. 1 was think-
ing, Why does he keep on trying? Well, I
really, really like this guy. I may as well let it
happen. And I did and from then on, we
had a sexual relationship.

PLAYBOY: How old were you then?

мек 1 was in eleventh grade. I just ac-
cepted it and then I started to like it. But I
didn’t even know what an orgasm was until
I was in college. And here I had been hav-
ing sex with this guy for a year and a half!
сли: The reason I asked is that I lost my
virginity on what I guess was a one-week
stand. | was on vacation.

PLAYBOY: And what age were you?

‘сли: I met him on my nineteenth birthday.
It was second semester my freshman year.
I didn't realize how completely set up the
situation was; talk about naive. 1 mean,
why would he have a rubber in his CD
player above his bed? Why would he only
have to press the rer button on the player
to have the tray come out and have a rub-
ber on 1 thought, That's really cool.
‘They're convenient and they're near his
bed. Ir only occurred to me later that it was
a set-up situation. After І came back from
spring vacation, he called me every day
and sent те letters saying he was in love
with sure; I had known the guy for
a total of maybe seventy-two hours. He
flew here to visit me for a weekend, and I
absolutely shat on him. I couldn't deal with
it. I couldn't believe that it meant so much

to him. But Гус never regretted it.

тілувоу: How many other people came
here as virgins?

LYNN: I did.
pLavsoy: And was there pressure to lose
your virginity or was the pressure to keep

I grew up in a Lutheran home. АЙ
through high school, I thought that sex
was not that big a deal. Why was everybody
getting so riled up about it? I thought I
could hold out until I was married. I told
my first few boyfriends, “There's going to
be no sex and don't even ask me, because
I'm not going to do it.” Then 1 started col-
lege and I started drinking, which I hadn't
donc before, and I started to become so
loose and I thought, Why not? And it hap-
pened one night when I was really drunk.
I wish it hadn't happened on a one-night
stand, but there's not much I can do about
it now.

GALL: І had sex because that was my choice
at the time. I didn’t feel like there was so
much pressure. Nobody ever said, “Oh, my
God, you're a virgin! I can't believe it!”
CAROLYN: I did come to school as a virgin,
and maybe I felt a little pressured. At first 1
thought, like, Its going to happen, just
ease back; but as time went on, 1 was begin-
ning to feel more and more like an out-
sider, because my girlfriends would talk,
хаскі: When we were sophomores, a group
of girls would sit around and drink and
talk about sex. There were two girls who
had never had sex. It got to the point
where they did feel like oursiders. Then
each girl slept with a guy ona spring-break
trip. И was evident in all of our eyes that it
was a goal for them. They didnt realize the
bad points to it. There are things that
we've done that we've regretted, maybe the
first time, even. There are lots of girls on
any college campus who would love to raise
their hands and say, “Um still a virgin.” I
mean, I would. I would love to go back and
do everything over because of the way it
happened. You look back at it and it didn’t
mean anything. Sex is supposed to mean
something.

сап: But why? Why does sex have to mean
something? Someone told you it means
something. It doesn’t. How many times
have we had sex that really, truly meant
nothing? Yes, you felt guilty. You felt stupid
for doing it, but it meant nothing to you.
CAROLYN: Yes, but I don't want to walk
around and see some guy on a street I was
with the night before and he doesn't even
acknowledge me.

EMILY: I can deal with that.

NICKI: Í can't

DEBBIE: Freshman year, I was going to one
of the football games and saw a big banner
hung up on one of the fraternity houses
that said, FRESHMAN GIRLS WILL FUCK AN
тн. Everyone had been warning me to
watch out. Guys will try to take advantage
of you because they all know you're away
from home for the first time, and they play
оп your need to know someone in this
huge place. But then, when I saw this

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167

PLAYBOY

banner, 1 was so shocked and angi
wanted to throw a rock and hurt some-
t just made me feel so degraded.
lions of beautiful fresh-
man girls arriving here on campus every
year, and it’s a perfect opportunity for a
guy to say, "Hey, I can have a good time
and not have to worry about being com-
mitted.” When you come here the first
year, you have in mind that the first guy
you sleep with is going to be your
boyfriend, because that's the way it was in
high school. Well, it isn't that way here, But
that's why the freshmen are looked upon
as being easy.

PLAYBOY: Why do guys act that way?

EMILY: If they were more sure of them-
selves, they could go out and meet a girl,
talk to her all night and say, “ОК, I'm not
going to sleep with her tonight. I'm going
to see what happens next weekend and the
weekend after that.” But the guys have
their own insecurities and think they may
as well just sleep with a woman for a night
because a relationship will never develop.
rLavsov: When can a guy make his move
and be neither wimp nor animal?

оевви: Well, I really prefer not to sleep
with someone the first time 1 meet him. It
makes sex a lot easier to deal with when 1
can get to know someone a little bit. I love
(0 have someone touch ше, but he doesn't
have to attack me and rape me the first
time he meets me. І appreciate a guy who's
comfortable with just closeness to start out
and goes very slowly. Then you can talk
about sex before you ever get to the bed-
room. For example, ГИ say, “I love it when
a guy nuzzles my neck. It just totally turns
mc on." ГЇЇ say, “I don't really like it when а
guy grabs me, because it hurts." Guys like
to be grabbed. They can handle a little bit
more stimulation, but I find that most of
the girls Ive talked to who like direct
clitoral stimulation would prefer to have a

little more gentleness. You can say stuff like
that when you're outside the bedroom.
When you're in bed with someone and
youre saying, “Oh, don't do that" or “I
wish you'd do this,” it’s like you're com-
menting on his performance.

PLAYBOY: Debbie, you say you like to get to
know a guy first and then decide whether
you want to be intimate. Is sexually trans-
mitted disease ever in the back of your
mind?

DEBBIE: I would certainly think about that.
Last year, 1 wasn't too concerned about it,
but now I'm starting to be a little more
aware of it. My mom's going to school right
now and she wrote a term paper on AIDS
and we talked about that a lot. I would nev-
er sleep with anyone who had big sores on
his penis or anything.

PLAYBOY: Do you ask potential partners апу
questions, such as whether they've been
with another man?

Emily: Before sleeping with them? No, I
don't.

PLAYBOY: Do you ask if they've seen a pros-
titute in the past five years?

CAROLYN: №.

DEBBIE: No.

Емих; No, I don't.

piavnoy: Have guys become more selective
because of AIDS and other diseases?

ALL: No. No.

pLaygoy: Do you talk about condoms?
Would you have that conversation before
you got to bed?

DEBBIE: Yes. | have condoms in my room
and I am willing to supply them. And if a
guy would not use them, 1 would say, “Get
out.”

PLAYBOY: Is your concern birth control or
disease?

DEBBIE: Disease. I'm on the pill, but I would
tell a guy that I didn't have birth control if
I thought that he would be unwilling oth-
erwise to use а condom.

PLAYBOY: Now, this boyfriend of yours
who's seeing someone else, do you use a
condom with him or does the birth-control
pill take care of the situation?

DEBBIE: The pill takes care of that. We're
both careful, though. As far as 1 know, he's
not going out and getting one-night
stands. He's got one other girlfriend right
now he sleeps with.

PLAYBOY: And do you know whom she
sleeps with?

DEBBIE: She's faithful to him. He's really
good-looking and he's got a nice body and
he's real sensitive. He just doesn't want a
commitment. I've learned to handle that.
PLAYBOY: But youre free to have other rela-
tionships, so if you meet somebody else,
how do you decide when to insist he use а
condom and when to let it pass:
DEBBIE: This year, 1 haven't picked up any-
body at a party. Last year, 1 made the mis-
take a few times of having guys at a party
say, “I'll walk you home. I don't want you to
walk hore all by yourself."

Nicki: That's another line.

cam: You're a lot safer to walk home alone
and take your chances with whoever may
be walking down the street. The rapist is
often someone you know.

PLAYBOY: How about date rape? Some cam-
pus surveys show that as many as one fe-
male out of five feels as if she has been
victimized, but she doesnt always think of
it as rape. She may think of it as misunder-
standing. "He thought because 1 went to
his apartment, we were going to have sex,
so then 1 sort of telt obliged.” Is that a fa-
miliar scenario?

CAROLYN: Yes.

FLAYBOY: Are you aware that date rape is
happening?

A FEW voices: No.

PLAYBOY: Maybe you don't call it rape. May-
be you think it's a situation in which a guy
makes a woman feel like they had an “un-
derstanding” that sex was on the agenda.
Does that kind of pressure happen?
DEBBIE: Yes, like when I lost my virginity.
The guy was like that. He was sitting there
trying to take my clothes off and I was go-
ing, “No, no. I don't want to do this. I'm a
virgin.” He didn't believe I was a
til I bled all over his bed, and he just
wouldn't stop. 1 was feeling really good,
too, and I was enjoying it, but my mind was
going, No, I can't do this.

мекі: That's happened to me, too, where
I've said по and pulled away, but then 1
went along with it because I felt like I had.
no choice. So I would never call it a rape,
but, in actuality, it probably was.

сли: I think it’s mental rape.

rLAvbor: Why did you think you had по
choice? Was һе going to use force and over-
power you?

мек: Well, no. It was a friend of my
boyfriend, and 1 felt that if I didn’t go
along, then he would bad-mouth me. 1
didn't want to take that risk. Rumors are a
big thing on this campus. You have no way
of defending yourself, even when nothing
happened. I went sailing with two guys last.

summer. They needed a woman to steer
the boat in order to qualify for a Ladies"
Day race, so 1 went. We had a great time. A
casual friend confronted me three months
later, saying, “Yeah, well, 1 heard you
fooled around with both of them.”
rLAYBOY: We have liberated women at this
table. Where is the line between being lib-
erated and being loose?
emmy: I think you have to be in control of
what you're doing. I don't feel guilty for
anything | do. J have one-night stands and
I don't care, as long as I enjoyed them. I
don't care what other people think. I don't.
care even what the guy thinks sometimes.
1f I see him down the street and he walks
past me, 1 dont care, because I know he
knows we had sex. As long as I enjoyed it, 1
feel like in some way, I have control over
what I do.
rravsow: You don't feel that you were used?
enmity: No, I really don't. I'm not sexually
е and I won't be the one who ini-
but if a guy starts to kiss me, may-
be ГИ get a little more intimate than I
should. But Im pretty picky, so it's totally
up to m
PLAYBOY: Can you have two sexual relation-
ships at the same time?
Емпу: I can.
DEBBIE: Yes, Г can.
сап: I cant.
EMILY: It depends оп how emotionally in-
volved you get. My parents were divorced
when I was in sixth grade. I'm scared of all
of that, so I just don’t get emoti
volved with the people 1 slccp
get emotionally involved with somebody
after sleeping with him maybe one or two
mes, it's harder to break up and go with
someone else.
мск: 1 have the opposite problem. Му
parents were happily in love and 1 never
saw the bad side of anything. Here 1 am,
getting hurt every time I make the mistake
of sleeping with a guy. You're saying you
can walk around seeing a guy and not care.
1 feel upset every time, physically hurt cv-
ery single time. Even if I've been with a guy
more than once, I still feel hurt because of
the fact that there's been no relationship
ated.
иу: We feel flattered any time a guy pays
ort of attention to us. I'm flattered.

any
"That's why I have one-night stands. It feels

good even if the guy is faking it or lyin,
PLAYBOY: Is he also endangering you while
he's flattering you? We've got to go back to
the subject of condoms. Do you ask your
partner to use a condom if it's a one-night
stand?

ety: Im, like, a fifty-fifty person. I'm.
in the marching band with two hundred
and thirty people and I know everyone.
Th been two or three guys I've slept
the band, and 14 ask them, be-
cause 1 felt like 1 knew them. But guys 1
have just, you know, picked up, I will say,
“Hey. Use one.”

илувох: Do you get resistance?

LYNN: I use it kind of as an excuse, because
I am not sexually active and I don't really

want to be. I say, "Well, I dor't have any
protection and I don't want to do it."
илувоу: And if he pulls out a condom and
says, “Well, luckily. . . ."

tynn: They don't.

т.лувоу: Have any of you ever lusted for
somebody you just met, considered having
sex with him, but somehow decided it
wasn't worth it?

DEBBIE: 1 have. Condoms weren't available.
I wason the pill, anyway, but I just said no.
He was real attractive, but it wasn't worth
the We were having a good time, but 1
said, "Do you have a condom?" and he said
no. I said, "Well, I don't, either, so put your
pants back on."

PLAYBOY: Well, we have a little gift for you,
so you can be prepared. These are key
chains and compacts that contain a con-
dom (displays a variety of colors and styles].
[Laughter] Lets say a guy has this key
chain. He opens it up and pulls ош his
condom. What do you think of him? Do
you think hes being chivalrous and re-
sponsible, or presumptuous?

DEBBIE: 1 would respect him. It really
wouldn't matter whether he was doing it to
protect himself or to protect me. The im-
portant thing is that he thought about it.
PLAYBOY: What do you think a guy would
think of you if you opened a condom-car-
rier key chain?

GAIL: It’s probably the greatest conversa-
Чоп piece ever. It states what you're all
about

CARON: It says youre prepared. You know
it’s going to happen. Why try to deny it?
pLavBoy: Are you comfortable buying con-
doms?

Lynn: Well, I would be embarrassed, but if
I had to, I would.

I think the most ridiculous thing is
ng them hanging on the back wall at.
the pharmacy. “Excuse me, can I have the
extra-large ribbed ones in the back?”
Thats the rudes, most uncomfortable
thing and ninety-nine percent of the time,
a guy is at the cash register, like when
you're buying tampons.

emity: Now I don't think Pd mind it at all,
because sex is so much out in the open.
AIDS is out in the open. We go to male
gynecologists. We talk about sex.

PLAYBOY: Well, you all have good attitudes
about condoms, so we must ask you
whether you actually used one the last ime
you had sex.

GAIL: Yes.

nessie: No.

маски: №.

CAROLYN: No.

EMILY: I did and it was surprising. It was a
freshman guy and he pulled one out. I was
being a liule careless about it. I thought,
Wow, he did it!

PLAYBOY: So you thought well of him?
кипу: Yes, I really did.

GAUL: Since I've had this boyfriend, Гус a
ways had some form of protection. If
not there, we don't have sex. I don't care
how bad it hurts him. I'm sorry, but he
knows as well as 1 do that neither of us

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170

wants to be a parent right now or go
through a hidcous abortion.

nick: Every time Гус had a one-night
stand, Гус worried about the conse-
quences. But then, you've got to realize, ev-
ery time Гус had a one-night stand, there's
been alcohol involved. I don't think I could
have a one-night stand if I were sober.
PLAYBOY: We talked with one of your deans,
and he said that students here don't just
drink, they get smashed. Does your resolve
to use a condom fall by the wayside when
everybody is drunk?

маски Exactly

ratty: Yes. After it happens, the one thing
1 feel guilty about is not having used a con-
dom.

Carotyn: I make the most irrational deci-
sions, and it stinks. The next morning, I
know I should have had my head on,
but...

PLAYBOY: Carolyn. what percentage of the
time would you say you used a condom in
the past yea
CAROLYN: Never, because I have never used
any protection.

PLAYBOY: No birth control?

CAROLYN: No, nothing.

PLAysoy: Have you been lucky?

CAROLYN: Very.

PLAYBOY: Carolyn, we have to talk after this
session.
NICKI: I'm the same. I've been the same be-
cause of my first boyfriend. We didn't know
anything about contraceptives. I didn't
even know how to get hold of the pill. We
never used а contracepti
lationship. He withdrew before ejaculating
and it worked without any problems. That
was really stupid of me, but I didn't know
any better. After we broke up, I felt that if

I went on the pill without a serious
boyfriend, it would be an excuse for me to
have sex. But then, every time I have had a
one-night stand, I've lacked the nerve to
come out and say, "Do you have a con-
dom?” But Гус always said something like,
“Be careful” or “I'm not on the pill.” I've
said that and that will causc him to with-
draw. But thats still stupid thinking. And
now, because I'm sick of this whole scene, I
am holding back with guys, but I'm also
getting more knowledge about the way I'm
going to protect myself if it occurs again.
PLAYBOY: Carolyn, when you're ready to
have sex with a guy, does he ask if youre on
the pill or have a diaphragm?

CAROLYN: Listen, | was very sexually active
last year and I didn't ask anything and not
once did anyone ask me anything before-
hand, but twice they asked me afterward.
"Oh, youre on the pill, aren't you? No!
What? See ya.” And they would be out the
door.

PLAYBOY: Did they assume you меге on the
pill because you didn’t ask them to use a
condom?
CAROLYN: Right.

PLAYBOY: And why weren't you on the pill?
aybe it's because 1 didn't thi
was going to have sex, and then it just hap-
pened.

PLAYBOY: Werent you afraid?

CAROLYN: Yes, I got really scared, but in the
back of my mind, I'm thinking, Good.
Maybe they're going to feel bad about this.
Maybe I've trapped them and I'll make
them suffer.

PLAYBOY: Do guys ever bring up the subject
of birth control?

ALL: No, no. Never.

"I was the only guy on the team who really
had that killer instinct.”

сап: My senior year, my mother took me
by the hand to a gynecologist and said,
“Get some form of birth control before you
go to college.” She knew I was a virgin. I
thought it was kind of funny, but all right, 1
went. Of course, she expected me to walk
out with a diaphragm, but I walked out
with the pill. The gynecologist was this
blunt woman who told me, “Look. The fact
is, you're going to be sexually active, and
you're not going to say, ‘Excuse me while I
put this in” You're not going to feel that
comfortable. And if he doesnt use а con-
dom, you damn well better take responsi-

ility, because, lets face it, that guy is going
to be out the door and you'll be stuck. It’s
your body. It’s your de п.” I chose the
pill, but I remained a virgin for a good
portion of the freshman year.
PLAYBOY: Even though you were on the pill?
GAIL: Î wasn’t on the pill. I wasn't ready. 1
wasn't interested. I didn't feel comfortable
enough to do it.
PLAYBOY: Did you feel that your mom was
pushing you into anything? Were you em-
barrassed or grateful?
GAIL: I wasn't embarrassed. | mean, I'm to-
tally up front with my mother, always have
been. That been а real good thing. It was
just, “All right, Tm leaving the house and
it’s going to be my dec
PLAYBOY: Yours is the kind of mother every-
body should be or have.
Nicki: Му mother was like that. She sent
me to a gynecologist before I had had sex
and I didn't really think anything of it.
Then, when it did happen, I was afraid to
confront her. Afier I had been going out
with my boyfriend a long time, she said,
“Fm really worried that you're sleeping to-
gether and I just hope you're doing some-
thing to protect yourself.” I said, “Oh,
don't worry I am.” That was at the point
where we had already been together for so
long without using protection that I just
didn’t even bother to do it.

s. I feel, led me to my

use my mom left when 1
was in sixth grade. I lived with my father
when I started to hit puberty. I knew that
my parents had had a very bad sex life for
the last six or seven years of the marriage.
Dad started seeing another woman right
after my mom left. 1 used to sneak in and
read his letters, so I knew that he was hav-
ing a very active sexual life with his girl-
friend, who I barely knew because һе
always went to her place. I didn't think
they had an emotional піс with cach other.
Now I feel that if 1 had lived with my
mother, I wouldn't be like this. It’s been six
years since they've been divorced and she
will not go out with a man. She won't talk to
me about sex. ] have to bring it up.
PLAYBOy: Did your dad talk to you about
birth control?
EMILY: №, he didn't. He never did. He's
kind of conservative.
rLavsov: Did he say, “Be careful; don't get
pregnant” or anything?
вмих: He never said that, even though,

looking back on it, he must have known
that 1 was having sex with my boyfriend,
because we would sneak down into the
basement and he would have heard us. But
my parents never brought it up, so I felt
like if they didn't саге, why should I care?
илувоу: Lynn, you say that you have а
Lutheran background. What kind of mes-
sage did you get at home?
tyny: Well, my parents were divorced. I
Чоп even know my father, so it was just my
mother and me. My brothers were so much
older that they were off to high school or
college. My mother had been molested
when she was growing ир, so all I heard all
my life was, “Just tell me when some boy is
touching you there" 1 had no idea what
she was talking about. She'd always put me
on the spot and ask, “Are you having sex?”
And I would always be really offended, be-
cause 1 hadn't, and it really upset me that
she was even asking. She never talked to
me about Ih control. She said, "Don't
even кесіп that situation, You shouldn't be
sexually active.” It was my brothers who
said, “If you're going to have sex, why don't
you get something?”
pLavnoy: Debbie, what did your mom say?
And when did she say it?
рева: She was pretty liberal. We still talk
about sex а lot пом. She's dating a guy and
they give each other baby-oil massages all
the timeand she says, “You should try this.
118 really great. ” But when I started to be
sexually active, she told me that 1 could
talk to her. But 1 still felt uncomfortable
about actually saying, “Mom, I want to go
on the pill,” so I went to Family Planning
and I took it for about nine months before
she found out. Then she said, “You've been.
on the pill that long? Well, Im really glad
that you've been responsible.” She didnt
get mad at all. My mom got pregnant when
she was seventeen and had to get married,
so she would much rather make sure I was
protected,
PLAYBO nd your dad?
DEBBIE: My dad never talked to me about
sex. He gave me a drug talk, but he didn't
talk to me about sex. That was Mom's
scene. A lot of my sexual information came
from my grandfather, my mother’s father.
He was just amazing. He was a university
professor, and he was so loving to every-
. He talked to me about masturbation,
ich was really uncomfortable for me,
but it was a good source of information.
id, “It's OK to do that. Dont feel like
it’s bad. And 1 want you to know из OK if
you want to have sex with someone, if you
love him.”
ғалувоу: Carolyn, we'll bet your mom nev-
er told you about birth control.
CAROLYN: No. She didn’t.
praysov: Did she tell you anything?
CAROLYN: My mom was this staunch wom-
an. “No sex until you're married" and “You
can wait.”
ылувоу: The “Just say no" message. But
what if you had chosen to just say yes?
Carolyn: 1 never had the option. There
was just no way 1 could ever talk to my

mom about birth control. I just said, “ОК,
I'll hide it." I really wish I could talk to my
mom, but to this day, 1 can't.

PLAYBOY: Are you more worried about get-
ting pregnant or getting a disease?
CAROLYN: Pregnant.

pLaveov: And do you think condoms are
reliable?

слил No. Absolutely not. I've had them
break more times, and it's so unnerving.
Ехегу five minutes, you do a condom
check: “Is it still on?” Then you get
wrapped up in the heat of things, and you
don't check. Afterward, my boyfriend has
said many times, “Oh, no,” and I just lie
there in bed and I don't want to hear it.
Three days in a row, that happened to us.
What are the odds of that?

DEBBIE: Switch brands.

GAIL: I did. They were from Planned Par-
enthood and they were cheap, I went back
there and told them.

PLAYñov: Do you help put the condom on or
leave that to the guy?

nesie: Г help. I offer to put it on. Make it
part of the act.

ғмпу: You're doing something that's going
to make a difference for both of you, basi-
cally for your own well-being, but obvious-
ly, he feels responsible for it also.

сап: My old roommate said the same
thing about the diaphragm. To this day,
she doesnt know how to put it in herself.
From the time she got it and tried it at the
doctor's office, her boyfriend always put it.
in. It was always part of sex. She dealt with
itin the morning when it was gruss, but he
dealt with it then and it was fun.

рілувоу: That sounds like a couple com-
fortable with their sexuality. Do any of you
have performance anxiety about sex, or is
that just a man’s anxiety?

CAROLYN: 1 do. Basically, I'm an insecure
person, so Pm always wondering what
they re thinking. It's always on my mind.
PLAYBOY: Do you feel that youre a good
lover?

CAROLYN: I'm not sure, because Гус never
really gotten any feedback.

сли: But once you get into sex with some-
опе you know really well, you want feed-
back, not constantly, but regularly. If you
do something different, “Is that good? Do
you like that? Is this position good? Do you
want to do a different position?” When
there's dead silence, you ask, “Is there
something wrong?” Or having sex watch-
ing TV—and we've done that—its like,
"Excuse me, will you look at me?'
PLAYBOY: Earlier, you said you don't feel
comfortable being а traffic cop, telling а
guy what to do. Do men communicate? Do
they give you feedback?

пвм: The guy I sleep with does. He says,
“Oh, that feels so good,” and when he does
something 1 like, I say, "Keep doing that. I
really like that." | don't give him negative
feedback. I don't say, "Move over a little
bit,” or “Do it a little softer,” not during
sex.

сап: Oh, I do. I do, like, let's expedite the
situation and get to the heart of the matter.

Once again, it all depends on how long
you've been sleeping with the person, but
the person is not going to hit it right on the
head every time. You're just wasting time.
PLAYBOY: Do some men lack finesse and just
push a woman's head down?

GAIL: Yes.

DEBBIE: Yes,

CAROLYN: Absolutely.

f you feel uncomfortable doin;
dont, but most of us, 1 guess, don't mind
ing blow jobs, so we'll do it.

rLaysov: But offering to do it is different
from somebody's pushing your head
down.

сап: See, I had that experience and, as a
result, I was completely turned off to oral
sex. №5 been my boyfriend's greatest.
struggle to make me feel comfortable, be-
cause I had bad experiences. It was de-
grading. It was disgusting. ] was gagging
and the guy I was with didn't even care. Не
couldn't possibly be unaware of the fact
that I was choking to death, but he didn't
worry, because he was having a good time.
I'msorry, that is just the most physically in-
considerate thing you could ever do to
somebody.

PLAYBOY: You're all shaking your heads, It
looks as if it has happened to almost every-
body here.

penne: The first time I performed oral
sex, my boyfriend said, "You're going to
give me a blow job” and he lowered his
pants. He pushed me down and I was
kneeling on the floor doing it. I felt so de-
graded. And then he wouldn't
wouldn't kiss me after I did
“That's gross. I'm not going to kiss
and 1 said, “I don't believe this,” and I left.
"That was the last time I had sex with him.
cai: Really if that’s all they want, they can
do it themselves. That's really my attitude.
| have no patience with self-serving peo-
ple They say you can do it for me, but
(A) I'm not going to kiss you afterward and
(B) I wouldn't dream of doing it on you, be-
cause that’s weird. And it’s not only a cou-
ple of guys.

ey: What do you think? Are men always
the dominant force in sex?

PLAYBOY: It sounds as if you take control of
your sexual experiences.

мих: It just depends on whether or not
you've gotten over stereotypes of men, and
also how you feel about yourself.
nicki: Your situation is completely di
ent. You have a different head on your
shoulders, and you don't let men be domi
nant. But in my case, I've always let men Бе
dominant, because I've learned that way
and because that’s the way it’s always been
in my sexual relationships. That's some-
thing that I'm trying to get over right now.
сли: But I think by saying, like Debbie
has, “I’m sorry: You don't have a condom
and I'm not having sex,” that's ultimately
being dominant. Deciding whether or not
to do it at all is the ultimate control.

171

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Susanne’s Grand
Actress SUSANNE LAVELLE is holding up the left
side of this page beautifully, don’t you think? If you
50 to the movies, you may have seen her іп
ог Cocktail or in that great moment in
film, Smash, Crash and Bum. We like Susanne best
here, where we can find
her easily. In casewe
need a quick
pick-me-up.

Dressed in Less
We salute the classic black dress! So does actor MARK LINN-BAKER,
who hung out with RAE DAWN CHONG at a celebrity event. It was a
welcome break from hanging out with Balki on TV's Perfect
Strangers. You can see more of Rae Dawn in two fall movies, Far Out,
Man! and The Borrower. Come to think ofit, you'll probably see less.

Getting the Right Info

=. Minneapolis band INFORMATION SOCIETY just finished a tour
with Club MTV, along with Tone Loc and Paula Abdul. The debut

album, Information Society, went gold andyou can hear the group on

„> the Earth Girls Are Easy sound track. File these guys under hot.

Putting a Spin
on His Grin
Singer/songwriter — Í
HENRY LEE SUM-
MER is a Brazil,
Indiana, country
boy whose latest
album, Pre Got
Everything, is
making good

on the charts.
Henry lee 9
says, “You
have to do
what you do
naturally

or end up
being a
parody.”
We say
amen lo
that.

Patti Cake

Everyone who watched Wiseguy last season knows that
this fabulous face belongs to actress PATTI D'ARBAN-
VILLE. She'll be cavorting with Vinny again when the new
TV season kicks off and, eventually, you'll be able to see
her in Wired, the movie about John Belushi. Patti rocks.

Getting а Leg

Up on Things
Here is MICHAEL
STIPE, R.E.M.'s lyricist,
kicking out all the jams.
and readying the band
for a U.S. tour through
November, while the
Green album climbs the |
charts. This is music |
you can dance to. Grab
а partner.

SWIRC/STILLS RETNA LTD

Tough
Enough

VANITY took off her
shirt and put on
gloves. A fashion
statement, or prep-
aration for her film
Bodily Force? Catch
her next in A Heart-
beat Away. We wi

176

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UP FROM THE GRAVE THEY AROSE

Just when you thought it was safe to venture out, along comes our annual
selection of the most ghoulish—and goofy—Halloween masks money сап
buy. The Freddy Krueger full-head mask with foam-rubber hat at center is
$47, postpaid, and Krueger's nasty-looking glove is $23. Both are available
from Morris Costumes, 3108 Monroe Road, Charlotte, North Carolina
28205-4598, as are the plastic skull Krueger's holding, $23; Ghost (lower
right), $31 (we all know what it really looks like); and Psycho Delic (upper
left), $67. The weredragon Corastin (upper right), $7: and Thrash, the
skull with a mohawk (lower left), $68.50, are both from Death Studios, 431
Pine Lake Avenue, LaPorte, Indiana 4 ahead and seream.

POTPOURRI

THE WHISKY-GAME TRAIL

When world-famous liquor writer Michael
Jackson (who, incidentally is a Playboy
contributor) plays а game, you know it's
going lo involve spirits. So it's no surprise
that Jackson is the editor of The Scotch
Whisky Game. in which players wheel and
deal to become Scotland's most powerful
whisky baron. You can order it for only
$39.50, postpaid, from Villa
109 Union Wharf, Boston 02109.
Its your move, J&B.

NO MORE SPLITTING HARES

Over the years, Playboy has probably con-
tributed more to the care and feeding

of Bunnies than any animal-rights group
has, but the powers that be heading up a
Phoenix-based cffort named Save the
Rabbit may he the winners. Save the Rab-
bit is dedicated to stamping out the

use of rabbits’ feet as good-luck charms
alfixed to key chains, etc.; and to finance
its quest, it has created an amusing

lapel pin sporting Ralph, a peg-legged,
pissed-off rabbit. Ralph sells for $9.
postpaid, sent to Grand's of Prescott, 2216
East Belmont, Phoenix 85020. Hop to it.

ГУЕ СОТ А SECRET

Hef had a secret passage in the
chicago Playboy Mansion that
was revealed when you
touched a piece of molding.
And now Library Doors, at
4850 Lake Fjord Pass, Магісі-
ta, Georgia 30068, is creat-
ing beautiful birch doors fitted
with actual book spines featur-
ing authors’ names and book
titles etched in gold leaf. The
doors come in standard sizes
and begin at $595 (custom
work is also available). They're
perfect when you want a wet
bar ora TV to do a disappear-
ing act. A color brochure is
available for two dollars.

A MIXED BAG
OF BLESSINGS

Sure, author Owen Edwards
waxes ecstatic on such pre-
dictable examples of good de-
sign as the Porsche ЭЙС in
his new softcover book, Elegant
Solutions, but its the simple yet
ingenious featured items that
caught our attention. Among
the “classic inventions,”
chiclets, egg slicers, Q-Tips
and the eternal light bulb are
shining examples. “An elegant
solution accomplishes its

task in what we know instine
tively is the most admirable
way,” writes Edwards. Our
favorite: Black Flag's
Hitchcock-worthy Roach
Motel. “The roaches check in,
but they don't check out.”

RAISING CANES

There are probably about 100
s of exotic woods from.
which walking sticks can be
made, but the craftsmen at
Classics Ltd., a company at PO.
Вох 226 Dallas 22, that
specializes in upscale custom
canes, prefer ebony for its
“exquisite beauty, rarity, color,
texture, grain, attractiveness,
weight and durability" Prices
range from $295 for a simple
cocobolo cane to $3000 for an
ebony model with an engraved
gold head. (The company's
favorite cane is a $595

ebony Royal Stuart style with a
domed silver head and tip.)

A pamphlet with all the infor-
mation is available.

variet

TALON SCOUTING

The Jecp/Eagle division of Chrysler has recently
introduced the Eagle Talon TSi AWD, a sporty
two-door that’s as good-looking as it is fun to
drive. Under the Talons hood is a 2.0-liter turbo
engine that will deliver 195 horsepower, and un-
der its sleek body panels is a sure-footed all-
wheel-drive system. And the cockpit, as you сап
see, is ergonomically smart. The price: $16,500. A
two-wheel-drive Talon is about $13,000.

THIS IS AS REAL AS IT GETS

When you consider the fact that the latest Fodors
doesn't tell where to buy condoms in Paris, we're
not surprised that the new Real Guide travel
series, published by Prentice Hall, is being sold as

the guides for the Nineties.” Current guides
include Amsterdam, Paris, Greece, Spain, Portu-
gal, New York and Mesico, with more in the
works. The texts are witty, the facts are straight
and the price is right—only $9.95 each

THE REAL GUIDE

NEW YORK

177

MYSTERY CELEBRITY

NEXT MONTH

INSIDE JOB

PLAYBOY СОНЕСПОМ

“DR. SPINTHER"—OUR HERO ENDURES PAIN AND
FINANCIAL RUIN TO TRANSFORM HIMSELF WITH THE
ULTIMATE IN PLASTIC SURGERY, ALL FOR THE LOVE ОҒ
AGORGEOUS WOMAN. BUT IS SHE WORTH IT?—FICTION
BY DAN ТНВАРР.

“БЕХ IN CINEMA 1989"—A YEAR FOR SCANDALOUS
INTRIGUE, DANGEROUS LIAISONS, RAUNCHY DOINGS
IN A ROAD HOUSE AND GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! WHAT
MORE CAN AUDIENCES DESIRE BUT SEX, LIES, AND
VIDEOTAPE?

“THE MINOTAUR"—DREAMING OF RETIRING TO
SOUTH AMERICAWITH A COOL MILLION, AN AMERICAN
NAVAL TECHNICIAN TURNED SPY FINDS HIMSELF IN А.
LABYRINTH FROM WHICH THERE MAY BE NO ESCAPE—
FICTION BY STEPHEN COONTS

BLUES QUEEN BONNIE RAITT TALKS ABOUT MEN,
WOMEN AND HORMONES, TELLS US WHAT SONGS SHE
LISTENS TO WHEN SHE WANTS TO CHASE THE BLUES
AWAY AND REVEALS THE ТУРЕ OF MAN WHO MAKES
HER SWOON IN A DOWN-HOME “20 QUESTIONS”

SEXY CINEMA

“CONFESSIONS OF AN S.O.B."—THE EX-PUBLISHER
OF USA TODAY SHARES THE INSIDE POOP ABOUT
GOING AGAINST ALL ODDS—AND SUCCEEDING—IN
THE MAKING OF THE NEWSPAPER FORTHE TV GENERA-
TION. EXCERPTED FROM THE BOOK BY AL NEUHARTH

“MEMOIRS OF A HIT МАМ”--АМ INFORMANT IN THE
FEDERAL WITNESS-PROTECTION PROGRAM SPILLS HIS
GUTS, AND OTHERS’, IN AN EXCLUSIVE ACCOUNT WE
JUST COULDNT REFUSE TO PRINT

“INSIDE JOB: THE LOOTING OF AMERICA’S SAVINGS
AND LOANS”—EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD IN THE
U.S. WILL HAVE TO COUGH UP $2000 TO BAIL OUT THE
COUNTRY’S 581.5. HOW DEREGULATION LED ТО
FRAUD—FROM THE BOOK BY STEPHEN PIZZO, MARY
FRICKER AND PAUL MUOLO

PLUS: ANOTHER MEGASTAR IN A MYSTERY PICTORIAL;
“DUDE FASHION" WITH JOHN CLARK GABLE; PER-
SONAL VIDEOS FOR BUSINESS AND FUN ON THE RUN;
PLAYBOY COLLECTION OF GOODIES; AND MUCH,
MUCH MORE

a Our distillery isnt as
quaint as some.

Fortunately it makes
better bourbon.

WILD

8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky:

Carlton.
It5 lowest in tar
and nicotine.
Wem

CARLTON 15 Lowest

Carlton

1mg.tar
0.Lmg.nic.

a SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

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