Skip to main content

Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats 


PLAYROY 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN 43 je 1989 • $4.50 


THE LOOKER "T >. ы (| | 
FROM THE HEART, 3 "esit 
ABOUT MEN, MURPHY iN 

BROWN AND MOVIE: 


/ 90 E i N AN 
SET SEX A * ), ISSUE 
Ne D ^ a 


* / жа ت‎ A 
THE WOMEN OF Ж = JACK NICHOLSON'S 


^ но! 
WRESTLING a u [PERY EX-LOVER 

MA = КАВЕМ МАҮО 
ANEW = CHANDLER REVEALED 


MYSTERY FROM 
| MICKEY 
SPILLANE 


THE WORLD'S BEST 
CARTOONS, JOKES, 
FASHION TIPS, 
GADGETS, GIFT IDEAS, 
"GOOD CHEER AND 

A WHOLE LOT MORE 


JAB биде! Sccch Whey, 43% Ak. by Ve Import by The Род Сорок, Н Les NU 1989. 


ingle ells, 
ingle ells. 


The holidays aren't the same without 


J&B Scotch Whisky. Blended and bottled in Scotland by Justerini & Brooks. fine wine and spirit merchants since 1749, 
To send a gift of J&B anywhere in the US., call 1-800-528-6148. Void where prohibited. 


As compellingas the land that inspired it. As natural as the man who wears it. 


ASPEN 


‚ А new cologne for men. 


PLAYBILL 


ак TELEVISION is the electronic fireplace around which families 
gather on cold, dark nights, shouldn't we В 


ang our Christmas 
stockings from the antenna? That was just one of the questions 
we pondered as we prepared this issue of Playboy. Whether you 
аге a veteran couch potato or onc of those wendy Yuppies newly 
into cocooning, you will be interested in the pop-culture icons in- 
vestigated here. 

For fans of thirtysomething, we have a journal—soon to be less 
of a secret—by Richard Kramer (illustrated by Blair Drawson). 
Kramer produces, writes and occasionally directs the show you 
love to hate. “Depending on whom you talk to,” he says, “it is ei- 
ther forty-five minutes of self-involved navel gazing or among 
the profound moral statements of our time.” Think of it as “Days 
of Whine and Neuroses. 

Some videophiles sec Murphy Brown as the reincarnation of 
The Mary Tyler Moore Show. You may think it is something 
more—especially after reading our interview with Candice 
Bergen. We asked Contributing Editor David Sheff to put aside his 
plans for a critically acclaimed book, an artsy movie and national 
political office to spend time with La La Land's favorite talking 
head. He got the actress to discuss Hollywood, hamsters, Geraldo 
and fiberglass hai ind Connie, cat your hearts out. 

And, as an advance Christmas present for Contributing Editor 
David Rensin, we let him do a 20 Questions with Patti D'Arbanville, 
love interest on Wiseguy and arguably one of the most 
ateresting women of our decade (discovered by Andy Warhol 
when she was 14, thc inspiration for Cat Stevens and the mother of 
Don Johnson's son, ©.) 

Who are the three most influential black men on television? 
Cosby is easy. And so is Arsenio Hall. We sent Steve Pond (it took six 
tries to get him on the guest list for the show) to prohle the mcan- 
descent late-night talk-show host in Hotter than Hall. So who's the 
third most influential black on television? Willie Horton, convicted 
rapist and murderer, if only because the TV spots about his es- 
cape from a prison-furlough program helped make George Bush 
President. Is the real Willie Horton the mindless thug foisted on 
the public by Roger Айез and friends? We'll let you decide after 
reading his interview, conducted by Dr. Jeffrey M. Elliot, professor 
of political science at North Carolina Central University, who did 
Playboy Interviews with Fidel Castro and Dr. Jeffrey MacDonald. 

We would have presented more celebrities, but this is the 
Christmas season and most of them are out shopping. When we 
tried to contact them, we kept getting those annoying answering- 
machine messages, the ones that get even more terminally cute 
around the holidays. The Christmas Tapes show you what the rich 
and famous are like when they're not at home. (For a peek at what 
Jone Fonde's like when she's not at home, sec Robert Scheer's “Re- 
porters Notebook”: See Jane Run.) 

We like to think that our readers prefer to take their entertain- 
ment the old-fashioned way: by moving their eyes from left to 
ight. We have three pieces of Christmas fiction that feature true 
love, modern love, porno love, bullets and bloodshed. (Red 
Christmas color, right?) Mickey Spillane, returning to the typew 
er after a long absence, gives us a look at his new Mike Н 
novel, The Killing Man (to be published by E. P Dutton). 
one has attempted to murder Mike's secretary, Velda, Does Mike 
take a light beer and cool out with friends down at the local wa- 
tering hole? Not on your life. 

Joyce Carol Octess work graces our pages for the ninth time 
with The Swimmers (with an illustration by Mel Odom). А small- 
town man falls in love with a woman who refuses to reveal her 
past. The confrontation produces unexpected results. 

Robert Coover's stories for Playboy always seem to have a movie 
connection, You Must Remember This ( January 1985) tells us what 
really happened to the lovers from Casablanca; Intermission 
(February 1987) sweeps a fan from concession-stand line to a wild 
adventure. This month Coover checks in with the bizarre Lucky 
Pierre in the Doctors Office, illustrated by Merrit Dekle. It's about 


RENSIN 


POND 


OATES 


COVER DE 


IBROGNO 


WAYDA 


MAMET 


LEY BEAUDET 


WHITE 


LIVESEY 


the ultimate high-tech porn film. 

Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright David Mamet is a card- 
rying member of the A.C 1 the N.R.A.—not surprising 
when you consider that he wrote the controversial Sexual Perver- 
sity т Chicago and the screenplay Гог The Untouchables. Mamet is 
aman at home with fire ns and [ree speech; his Fighting Words 
is a thought-provoking look at the First and Second amendments 
and the abortion debate. 

They say that Christmas brings out the child in each of us: Is 
short work for some of us. Dave Berry, humor columnist for The 
Miami Herald and winner of a Pulitzer Prize for comme 
ks the crucial question How to Tell if Youre a Grownup. 
Barry recently acquired “a Gibson Les Paul electric gi 
amplificr loud enough to bring down enemy aircraft.” we have 
our doubts about his objectivity. You're only young once, but you 
can be immature forever. We believe that reality testing should 
be graded on a curve, which may explain our score on the accom- 
panying quiz, compiled by frequent contributors Lenny Kleinfeld 
nd Geoffrey Normon. Since Norman lives in rural Vermont and 
Kleinfeld survives in Los Angeles smog, the questions cover most 
of what we know as adult life. 

Sull, there are some crucial survival skills that need review 
Former Playboy Articles Editor Jim Morgan asks, “Why do vou eel 
that little moment of terror when you tear open that holiday invi- 
tation and out tumbles a card with the words DINNER DANCE en- 
graved in letters you can touch with your finger tips?” Morgan 
tells readers Why You Can't Dance (blame Chubby Checker 
Eve Babitz counters with Why You Should Dance. “ls bet 
sex.” writes Babitz, “because you can do it with strangers and not 
feel guilty or ashamed; because you can do it outside your mar- 
riage and not get in any trouble; because you can do it in public. 
with people watching and applauding.” Photographer Tim White 
teamed with Fashion Editor Hollis Wayne to show you how to dress 
for the occasion (we even tell you how to tie a bow tie). 

Once you get your dance steps down, you won't want to spend a 
lot of time in the kitchen. Check out Karen MacNeils suggestions 
for a hassle-free holiday dinner in And АЙ a Good Night. Were 
g cookies and milk for some guy with a pillow where hi 
stomach should be. Do this right and your girllriend will come 
down the chimney with a special treat 

Stumped for gilt ideas? The Playboy Christmas Collection otters 
six pages of neat мш photographed by James Imbrogno. For a 
ste ol adventure, we asked Playboy Contributing Photographer 
ichord Fegley to take his cameras to Spain. He needed a break— 
he'd spent weeks with Assistant Photo Editor Рону Beaudet са 
ing the heavenly bodies of Lethal Women (which is not a pic- 
al on people who only think they can dance but on коте 
wrestlers). Spain is the hottest country in Europe. In 1992, it will 
celebrate the filth centennial of the voyage of Cristöbel Colón, 
ld as Christopher Columbus. I1 will host the sum- 
mer Olympics in Barcelona and a world’s fair in Seville. The best 
news? Francisco Franco is still dead. Herbert Bailey Livesey wrote the 
travel piece that accompanies the photos. The author of The Amer 
ican Express Pocket Guide to Spam, Livesey was so intrigued by 
the country that he is using it as the setting for a mystery novel. 
Ifyou need a respite from throngs of people singing Christmas 
arols. peruse our new user-friendly Playboy Jazz and Rock Poll 
1990. We've made a list and checked it twice—now it’s your turn 
to vote, Failure to exercise your right will result in a 20-year sen- 
tence—solitary confinement in an elevator with Muzak. 

And for those of you with an eye for the ultimate stocking 
stuffer, take a long look at the h pictorial of Karen Mayo-Chan- 
dier, shot Бу Contribu 


n bed," says the Br IL the really horny 
1 get off on, like spanking, handcuffs, whips and Po- 
laroid pictures.” For more on Jack in the sack, turn to The Joker 
Was Wild. Next. munch on our tribute to the Sex Stars of 1989 
(with text by Jim Harwood). Whats Christmas without a moving 
human-interest story? Playmate Petro Verkaik has a unique reason 
for being thankful that she's well endowed. Now you know why 
magazines still exist in the age of television. 


The SonyTrinitron XBR. Your Typical Over-Achiever. 


Pero eR 


[pe 


=a sont 


To the acknowledged brilliance of the Trinitron XBR picture, 
Sony now adds SRS—a sound advancement. 
\ When is good just not good enough? When you're Trinitron® delivered. The new family of Trinitron XBR TVs also gives you new 
| XBR™ TV, and over-ochieving runs in the family. That's why this woys to watch television. Choose from a host of sophisticated new. 
year's brilliant color is even more brilliant. The sharper resolution conveniences like advanced digital picture-in-picture and A/V 
* even sharper. And that's just the beginning. Because this year also window on-screen displays. Just what you'd expect from people 
brings you an advancement that revolutionizes ТҮ sound-SRS*— for whom setting the standard is standard procedure. 


Wound Retrieval System. With circuitry so advanced it delivers richer, 
fuller stereo sound. The sound promised by ordinary TVs but never 5 ON Y. 


©1989 Sony Corporation of Amero. Sony Kiairon and XBR ore registered trodemorks of Sony. SRS в о todemork of Hughes Art Company о subsidiary of GM Hughes Electron. 


р а СГ! That's hard to say. Because about 80 


million Americans choose to drink beer at least occasionally In a crowd that big you'll 
probably find about every kind of person. 

You can, however, say some things about most ofthem. 

Most beer drinkers are responsible adults, working people, family people. 

Most of them see beer as one of life's шие pleasures, a small reward after a hard 
day's work, something good to share with a friend. 


And most of them by far enjoy it as it was meant to be enjoyed, responsibly. 

BEER. On the whole, a good group of people to be a part of. And 

when you consider that beer is served in nearly two-thirds of the homes 

in this country the majority of us arc part of that group 
AGOO whether we drink beer ourselves or not. 
So, what kind of person drinks beer? People 
P Е who enjoy it and see it as simply a good part of their 
GOOD LIFE. **** 
= 


ee Anheusev-Busch: Ine: 


vol. 36, no. 12—december 1989 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL ei 
DEAR PLAYBOY. 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS... . 


CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


WOMEN. 

MEN КО ГУС ASA BABER 
SPORTS Be Deos . - - DAN JENKINS 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR . ЕВ Sede 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK: SEE JANE RUN-—opi ion. - . ROBERT SCHEER 
PLAYBOY'S FORMAL APPROACH- fashion. ....... . HOLLIS WAYNE 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CANDICE BERGEN—candid conversation. ......... ...... 


THE KILLING MAN—fiction .......... ars eec MICKEY: SPILLANE 
GOTTA DANCE “ОКУЛУУСУ t Л С ТОТ 
WHY YOU CAN'T—articlo £ 2... JAMES MORGAN 
WHY YOU SHOULD—orticle. Tte . . EVE BABITZ 
THE JOKER WAS WILD—pictoriol к by KENELM JENOUR 
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A GROWNUP-humor. ..... 22... DAVE BARRY 


THE REAL-LIFE APTITUDE TEST—quiz LENNY KLEINFELD, GEOFFREY NORMAN, 
PLAYBOY CHRISTMAS COLLECTION—modern living . . 


THE SWIMMERS—fiction. -. JOYCE CAROL OATES 


FIGHTING WORDS—opi 4%. DAVID MAMET 
THE CHRISTMAS TAPES—humor . 

TWO FOR THE ROAD— ployboy's playmate of ће menth............... A 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ques 

LUCKY PIERRE IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE- fiction -..... ROBERT COOVER 
20 QUESTIONS: PATTI D'ARBANVILLE EEE 
AND ТО ALL A GOOD NIGHI—food and drink KAREN MAC NEIL 
HOTTER THAN HALL—ployboy profile STEVE POND 
LETHAL WOMEN—pictoriol ТЕ 
THE THIRTYSOMETHING JOURNAL—orticle уз... +++. RICHARD KRAMER 
¡ARRIBA ESPAÑA!—travel 2+» = s HERBERT BAILEY LIVESEY 
SMILBY'S SUZETTE— humor. = SMILBY 
А FEW WORDS FROM WILLIE HORTON—interview....... DR JEFFREY M. ELIOT 


PLAYBOY JAZZ AND ROCK POLL 1990 . 
HOLY SEX STARS OF 1989!—pictorial. 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 


text by JIM HARWOOD 


Jock’s Girl P. 94 


Precious Petra 


COVER STORY 


with a twinkle in her eye and a mischievous grin, the classically beautiful 
Candice Bergen awaits Christmas under the mistletoe. The cover wos de- 
signed by Senior Art Director Len Willis, produced by West Coast Photo 
Editar Marilyn Grabawski and shat by Cantributing Photographer Stephen 
Wayda. Kudos to stylist Lone Coyle-Dunn, as well as to Colin Booker for 
Célestine Clautier make-up and hair. “Kiss me quick,” quips the Rabbit. 


мала OFFICER: тво. вао MONTLAKE ONE онук. CHICAGO, Kn асан, PLAYBOY ASSUMES но RESPONSIBLITY ТО RETURN UNSOLICITED кто OR Олы MATEM- At ONT LETS AND 


PLAYBOY 


Here to satisfy your taste 
dor the finer things is an 


with beauties in ond out of — 
the sexiest intimate apparel 
you've ever seen, ifs a colec- —— 
tion you'll want to keep. And 

it's al newsstands now. 


10 ORDER BY MAIL: Send check or 
money order for $10.00 per copy plus 
$2.00 shipping ond handling charge 
per total order made payable to Playboy 
Products, Р.О. Box 1554, Dept. 99060, 
Hk Grove Village, Шино 60009. Concdion 
residents, add $3.0, tull amount payable 
in US. currency on а US. bork only. Sorry, 
ко ciher foreign arders con be accepted. 


AT NEWSSTANDS NOW 


©1969 Playboy 


IF YOU LIKE 


AUTOMOBILES 


YOU'LL LOVE THE 
du Pont REGISTRY... 


The only nationwide publi- 
of its kind, the du Pont 
RY is the Buyers Gallery 
of Fine Automobiles. Every 
month, the REGISTRY presents. 
led, full-color photos 
criptive Copy — тоге 
than 500 classic, luxury and 
exotic automobiles for your 
consideration. la 12 exciting, 
full-color issues per year (сас 
printed on rich, coated stock), 
уоп every awesome vehicle 
delivered right to vour door. 

As an introductory sub- 
scriber. vou'll pay only $3995 
for a full year's subscription 
Mail your check or money order 
to: du Pont REGISTRY 

Dept. J2D7099 

PO Box 3260 

Harlan, la. 51593 
OR-CALL TOLL-FREE 


1-600-233-1731 


SELLING YOUR CLASSIC OR EXOTIC CAR? 
CALL 1-800-233-1731 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER edilorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLE! 
GARY COLE photography director 
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 
EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: IIS NEZER editor; PETER MOORE asso- 
ciate editor; FICTION: ALICE K TURNER. edito 
MODERN LIVING: DAD STEVENS senior edi- 
lor; PHILLIP COOPER, ED WALKER associate editor 
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate editor; WEST 
HEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH 
EN EDGKEN senior editor; JANES к PETERSEN 
senior staff writer; BRUCE KLUCER. BARBARA NELLIS. 
KATE NOLAN associate editors: JOHN LUSK traffic 
coordinator: FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE editor: 
WENDY GRAY assistant editor; CARTOONS: 
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS 
editor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant editor; MARY ZION 
senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE 
RANDY LYNCH BARI NASH REMA SMITH wsearchers; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. DENIS 
BOYLES, KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES, 
LAWRENCE GHOBEL, CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WILLIAM J 
HELNER, DAN JENKINS, WALTER LOWE. JR, D. KEITH 
MANO, REG TOTTERTON, DAVID KENSIN. RICHARD 
RHODES, DAVID SHEFE DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE 
WILLIAMSON (movies), SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI. LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BROCE HANSEN associate di- 
rector; JOSEPH PACZEK; ERIC SHROPSHIRE assistant 
directors, DEBBIE KONG. KRISTIN SAGERSTROM junior 
directors; ANS seimu senior keyline and paste-up 
artist; BILL BENWAY. PAUL CHAN ан assistants; BAR 
BARA HOFFMAN administrative manager 


art director 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
managmg editor; LINDA KENNEY. JAMES LARSON 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; NITY 
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior 
staff photographer; sveve CONWAY assistant Photog. 
Tapher; DAVID CHAN. RICHARD FEGLFY ARNY 
FREYTAG. RICHARD IZUL DAVID MECEY. BYRON 
NEWMAN, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photogra- 
hers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color 
dab supervisor; ox Goss business manager 


MICHAEL PERLIS publisher 
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDS manager; 
RITA JOHNSON assistanl manager: ELEANORE WAG- 
NER, JODY JURGETO. RICHARD QUARTAROLI assistants 


CIRCULATION 
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation direc 
for; KOBERT ODONNELL retail marketing and sales 
ditecior; STEVE M. COHEN communications director 


ADVERTISING 


MICHAEL T. CARR director; JAMES |. ARCHAMBAULT 
JK. asociale ad director; STEVE MEISNER midwest 
manager: JOHN PEASLEY new york sales director 


READER SERVICE 


CYNTHIA LACEVSIEICH manager; LINDA STROM, 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
EILEEN KENT editorial services manager; Mancia 
TERRONES rights ES permissions administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive oficer 


Handerafted їп solid sterling silver and 
24 karat gold on sterling 
se it stood 


They wore the badge. Bi 
for courage and integrity in the Old Wes 
And now you canown the badges of the 
great Western lawmen. Re-created for the 
first time in the Western Heritage 


Museum's official collection. 

Twelve famous badges in ай — еас one 
as unique as the brave lawman who wore it. 
All based on extremely rare originals — 
many of which were thought to have 
vanished — until an exhaustive search 
was undertaken to recoverthem. 

Each badge is actually minted in solid 
sterling silver from hand-engraved dies to 
capture every authentic detail. 

And the legendary badge of Pat Garret 
24 karat gold electroplate on sterling silver, 
re-creating the original to exacting detail. 


Own the badges 
that made 
them legends, 


Bat Masterson: Pat Garrett. Wyatt Earp. 


S SHOWN APPROXIMATELY ACTUAL SIZE 


These minted masterpieces are 
each. And the imported display — custom- 
designed to showcase your collection — 
is included at no additic 


‘Actual size of display 19%" high x I: 


Official Badges of the Great Western Lawmen 


in x 
ORDER FORM 


Please mail by December 31, 
Limit: One collection per sub: 


The Franklin Mint 

Franklin Center, PA 19091 

Please send me the 12 Official Badges of the 
Great Western Lawmen at the rate of one every 
other month. Bill me for each badge in two 
equal monthly installments of $27.50*, beginning 
when my first badge is ready to be sent. 


"Plus my state sales lar and. 
a lotalof 1. shipping and handling for each badge 


Signature 


ALLORUERS ARESUBIECTT 


Name 
PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY 


Address 
City 


State, Zip 
85174- 85 


Leading Edge Radar Detection Never Looked Better. 


The New BEL VECTOR 3 


The г ECTOR 3 ivel 


Model 942 


While VECTOR 3's compact and well executed 
design can be confirmed by your eve. its performance 
advantage is confirmed by a number one rating in the most 
recent test conducted by Road & Track magazine: 


.. Vector 3 maintains a BEL tradition of excellent 
sensitivity, posting the highest figures in this survey for 
both К and X band radar" Rood & Track 


Making this accomplishment even more impressive is 
the fact that VECTOR 3 posted the highest K and X band 
sensitivity levels ever recorded in any radar detector test! 


VECTOR 3's top-rated performance is achieved by 
adapting a technology used in military satellite communica- 
tions. It’s called Image Rejection Technology", or IRT*. And 
through its use, VECTOR 3 is able to identify weak police 
radar signals that other detectors simply miss — a definite 
advantage for detecting Instant On or Pulsed radar. And 


CTOR 


when Instant On or Pulsed radar is encountered, УІ 
3 warns you with a separate audio alert. 


Unequaled in performance. 


VECTOR 3 pr 


vides 


another important advantage- 


We a 
WAVECTOR?. : ) detection of Ka band police 


radar, now being used in 
both the U.S. and Canada. 
ТОВ 3's high quality and ergonomic design 


In addition, VE! 
make driving with the world's most advanced radar detector 
easy, convenient, and reliable. With 
VECTOR 3, leading edge radar 
detection never looked better! 


Fully featured, VECTOR 3 
is $299.95 and comes with a one 
year warranty on parts and service. 
A remote version. VECTOR 3R. 
is also available for $319.95. 


To order, or for the name of 
a dealer near you, just call toll-free: 
1-800-341-1401 USA 
1-500-268-3994 Canada 
a = > 


New 3 band radar detectors for use in Europe are now available. Please inquire for 


more information алаа Tm 


The Technology Leader In 
3 Band Radar Detection. 


BEL-TRONICS LIMITED 
The Intelligent Choice 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBDY MAGAZINE 
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


KEITH HERNANDEZ 

1 enjoyed the September Playboy Inter 
view with Keith Hi adez, but 1 would 
like to dispute one point. Hernandez states 
that when he is really on a tear, he can ac- 
ually ^ the ball hit the bat, the bat re- 
coil and the ball leave the bat” Hf he were 
playing slow-pitch sofiball, this might be 
believable; but with the ball coming ın at 
an average of 90 miles an hour, his state- 
ment sounds a bit fanciful. Hernandez 
could save the taxpayers a lot of money by 
donating his services to the local police so 
that they could do away with their radar 
equipment for speeding cats. 

John Stephenson 
Mishawaka, Indian 

Hernandez isn't the only professional base- 
ball player to make statements like that, John. 
Until you can hit 90-mph fast balls with con- 
sistency, ИУ best not to presume what a major- 
league hitler can and can't see. These guys 
have vision and reflexes that only one in 
10.000 possesses 


RENO CONFIDENTIAL 

After perusing your pictorial Reno 
Confidential (Playboy, September), 1 want 
10 point out that there are two sides to ev 
ery story: | cannot speak for the whole pop- 
ulation of Reno, but, frankly, I'm tired of 
hearing Leslie Sferrazza's childish “TI get 
you at recess” attitude toward our mayor 
If the truth be known, she was probably 
the problem in the first place. At least о 
mayor has the decency and class not 10 
air his ex-wifes dirty laundry locally or 
nationally. 


Suzanne Reams 
Reno, Neva 


FAN OF OLD FAVORITES 

Asa longtime Playboy subscriber, Гуе al- 
ways enjoyed your excellent fiction. 1 par- 
ticularly look forward to the infrequent 
but always entertaining short stories of 
Contributing Editor Walter Lowe, Jr. 1 still 
reread his Ben Osezhio (July 1981) when- 
ever I need a good laugh. His latest, 
An Ounce of Luck, in the September issue, 


is one of the cleverest stories Гус read in a 
long time. 

1 was also glad to see the return of Ci 
Vetter to your pages. As a big fan of his 
“Pushed to the Edge” series back in the 
Seventies, I was heartened to know that a 
though he and I are both ten years older, 
he's still a death-defying fool. Wind Dum- 
my is in the classic Vetter tradition of white- 
knuckle risk taking. 

Thanks for an issue with two of my fa- 
vorite Playboy writers. 


Robert Hill 

Chicago, 1 

Youll be happy to know, Bob, that 

Dummy” is the second in Vetters new series, 

“Risky Business: Tales of the Outdoors.” 

that’s guaranteed to give you an adrenaline 

rush. Look for las next escapade in our 
February issue. 


COMING SOON 


your September 
issue. The Yamaha DSP-100U is an excel- 
lent example of what we as an industry 
have in store tor you in the near future, 
along with total home automation, DAT 
d advanced television. Stay tuned! 
Thomas K. Lauterback 
Staff Vice-President, Communications 
Consumer Electronics Group 
Washington, D.C 


ODE TO MORGANNA 

Your pictorial on Morganna, the “Kiss- 
ing Bandit," in the September issue moved 
me 10 write: “Morganna Roberts, overly 
endowed, / Kisses and runs with the sport- 
ing crowd! /She tries to be a baseball 
shocker. / If you've yet to be kissed, please 


don't knock hı 


Arline Clarke 
Zarmichacl, 


alifornia 


DOUBLE FEATURE 
Forget Balman and Indiana Jones. The 
big event of the summer for me was to look 


Come to the 


PLAYBOY 
WINTER 
IFT 


CARNIVAL 


Sponsored by 
Aspen Cologne 


Е. a weekend-long carnival 
of gifts and giveaways at a mall 
near you— including samples of 
new Aspen Cologne For Men 
and a $500 gift bag! 


E... the PLAYBOY/ASPEN 
COLOGNE Winter Gift Carnival 
Sweepstakes—to win a Dream 

Ski Weekend for Two in Aspen, 
Colorado at the luxurious Aspen 
Highlands Ski Resort. 


Meet PLAYBOY At The Mall: 


Orlando Fashion Square 
Orlando, Florida 
November 17—19 


Glendale Galleria 
Glendale, California 
November 30, December 1—2 


Orange Plaza Shopping Center 
Middletown, New York 
December 8—10 


PLAYBOY will also be in the 
Dallas, Chicago and Boston 
areas. 


Call 1-800-950-0345 for 


further information. 


PLAYBOY 


12 


at the September issue of Playboy with the 
Van Breeschooten twins in Double Dutch 
‘Treat. 


John Book 
Pasco, Wasl 


gton 


Not since October 1970, with Mary and 
Madeleine Collinson, have I seen double 
h such pleasure. Mirjam and Karin van 
Breeschooten are delightful! 

John B. Abbott, Jr. 
South River, New Jersey 


The September issue is like an early 
Christmas present. Gorgeous KC Winkler, 
the well-endowed Morganna and luscious 
Leslic Sferrazza would have been enough. 
But when I opened the magazine to the 
layout of the Van Breeschooten twins, 1 
could hardly believe my eyes. Karin and 
Mirjam are two of the most beautiful wom- 
en I've ever seen. 

Its going to be hard to top them, but 
who knows? There may be a set ol beauti- 
ful blonde triplets out there just waiting to 
be discovered. 


Wayne Montalvo 
Medina, New York 


GOING US 8100 BODIES BETTER 

Having seen the Playboy logo formed by 
1000 bodies in your April issue, with the 
question as to whether the Guinness Book 
of World Records could verify that this 
man-made logo constituted the largest one 
ever formed, [ had to send this picture, 
dated January 24, 1919, which obviously 
confirms other The United States 
Marine Corps logo was formed in the sand 


wide service and sea traditions. The eagle 
represents the nation itself. The motto 
clenched in the beak of the сад} 
FIDELIS, is Latin and means "Always faith- 
ful" It is endearing t0 know that the 
thousands of Marines who posed for this 


picture back in 1919 are still with us in 
5 a few may still be here to read this 
letter 


John Matejov 
29 Palms, California 
You're right, John. The Marines’ body logo 
has ours beat. We're glad to give credit where 
its due, 


BAD 
Tm disturbed by the sensationalism of 

Pat Jordans profile of the Gracie family 
(Bad, Playboy, September). The article 
contains a brief mention of the fact that 
Gracie jujitsu is used mostly for defense 
but many pages of accounts of attempted. 
eye gouging, bone breaking and the 
“$100,000 challenge." Rorion Gracie him- 
self emphasizes that his family's jujitsu 
foremost, a system of self-defense and that 
his challenge is merely a way of advertising 
effectiveness. 

Roger Zepp 

Colorado Springs, Colorado 


GOOD COOK 

Congratulations to Kevin Cook for his 
profile of Tony Man Tony the Termi- 
nator, accompanying September's Playboy's 
Pro Football Forecast, by Gary Cole. 

Cook succeeds where many other writ- 
ers have failed because he has taken the 
time and made the effort to understand his 
subject. Rather than simply reiterate statis- 
tics on Mandarich's bench press, 40-yard 
dash, caloric intake and salary expecta- 
tions, Cook gives us something more 
meaningful. He notices the Mandarich 
grin and spots the tongue-in-cheek com- 
He recognizes the sense of humor 


Dave Kirkby 
La Porte, In 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR PROBABILITIES 

Wanting to try something different on 
my computer, | entered the names of all 
the Playmates of the Year, from the first 
one in 1960, and then arranged them by 
the month in which their centerfolds ap- 
peared. 1 found something odd. There has 
never been a Miss March, June or July cho- 
sen as Playmate of the Year. The most aus- 
picious months are January, September, 
November and December, with four, four, 
ix and seven winners, respectively. 

If our Government is willing to give hall 
a million dollars or so to Judith Reisman to 
look for child porn in odd places (with 
even odder results), perhaps the Feds will 
give a grant to me to study this. It's a more 
nteresting subject. 

Pete Giere 
Auburn, Washington 


BODY BY WINKLER 

Its about time! For ten years, Гуе been 
hoping to get a glimpse of КС Winkler 
(Body by Winkler, Playboy, September) on 
your pages .. . again. She was in the Janu- 
ary 1979 edition as one of the contesta 
in the 25th Anniversary Great Playmate 


Hunt, and I was heartbroke 
wasn't selected. Hf you'll look | 


that she 
ack to that 


issue, you'll scc that the body has always 
been there. What is incredible is that she 
looks even better now! 


Chris Lyons 
Irving, le 


RE-EDUCATION THE CURE FOR RACISM 
The letter from Vincent Stewart in Dear 
Playboy (September) has me distraught. 
He voices three opinions on racism that 
show signs of immaturity, self-centered- 
ness and extreme. paranoia: (1) "Most 
racists are cowards"—in most casts, 
racism is taught at a very young age and 
has nothing to do with cow: (2) “А: 
sume every white person is а racist— 
racism is an affliction of every race, not just 
the Caucastan spectrum. The pigmenta- 
tion of our fellow humans is really irrele- 
vant to whether t 
established. If th 
key to identifying r: 
need of counseling. (3) “Do not give up on 
your education. They cant win if you dont 
let ihem"—i I agree with this, but 
not in the 


m and bigotry by getting the prop- 
ion on this important subject and 
a degree, Re-education is the on- 
y to correcting the thinking of people 
s myself. We need to teach the kids 
of today not to have thoughts that are so 
detrimental to our society. 
Steve Herling 
Tucson, Arizona 


CARRY ON, CHRISTIE 
1 had the pleasure of watching Christie 
Hefner on CNBC's McLaughlin. This bi 
liant and savvy young C.F.O. sets a stand- 
ard for her male counterparts. She has 
enormous presence of mind and an im 
pressive grasp of her responsibilities 
great example of what a woman can do ina 
job once thought to be “for men only.” 
Morton R. Baklock 
Royal Oak, Michigan 


| Bacardi rocks. 


Hard rock, smooth spirit. 
Smooth Bacardi light. 


Bacardierum, 
made in Puerto Rico. 


Having good taste is knowing what tastes good. 


pu " i 


Calvin Klein 


boro 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


17 mg аг" 1.1 mg сойо depareiqarotto by FTO Method 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


AD NEWS 


A Washington, D.C., friend claims that 
he has spotted а hot newspaper trend— 
“newsads.” He says that the placement of 
advertisements close to certain 
news stories seems 100 serendipitous to be 
true. For example, he cites a Washington 
Post account of a NATO summit meeting 
that ran very near a Pan Am advertise- 
ment. The ad's tag line? vane Europe. The 
Post also twinned a story about the down- 
fall of House Speaker Jim Wright with a 
Hond: 
FRIEND THAT CAN DE. EASILY. BOUGHT 
price scandal? Read оп. 


certain 


lealership ad that read, Meer A 
What 


SCANDALTOWN 


We wonder, Will we still remember Jim 
Wright next year? What guarantees a 
politician a fixed perch in the national 
psyche? Well-researched bills that pas 
without a hitch? Arm twisting in the Con- 
gressional dloakroom? Maybe. But the 
proven, sure-fire method is to participate 
in a scandal, preferably a sexual one. The 
publics interest in disgrace is now such 
that Washington, D.C., boasts a 73-minute 
"scandal tour." For $20, vou can board the 
red. white and blue bus (hosted by a 
George Bush impersonator and a comedy 
troupe that calls itself the Gross Natio 
Product) at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel 

The tour itinerary consists of such note- 
worthy Washington landmarks as the 
Capitol Hill town house where Gary Hart 
entertained Donna Rice and the famous 
‘Tidal Basin, where Wilbur Mills's stripper 
irlfriend Fanne Foxe sank, taking his 
reer down with her. Even John E Kennedy 


gels toasted in song by a Marilyn Monroe 
look-alike as the bus drives past the White 
House, and at the nearby Executive Office 
Building. a phony Fawn Hall commemo- 
rates the patriotism of Ollie North by pass- 
ing out plastic bags of paper strips from 
their Iranscam shredding party. Alas, ex- 
Congressman Wright remains without his 
own stop—so far 


M-M-M 


Product of the month: Frosty Paws. Its 
bright package gushes, FFS NOT ICE CREAM. 


BUT YOUR DOG WILL THINK IT Is! It was cre- 
ated by animal-nutrition specialist Dr. 
William Tyznik after he saw neighborhood 
dogs pigging out at an ice-cream stand. 
"Ice cream isn't good for dogs," he points 
out, "because they cant digest the lactose.” 
That's why he whipped up this new soy 
based, vitamin-fortified, light-beige stuff. 
that comes in little cups. To human taste 
buds, it's pretty bland, we hear. For an ex- 
pert opinion, we whistled up our test pup, 
Dutch, known for her discerning palate 
The verdict? Dutch found the tiny contain- 
er awkward but its contents were slurped 
up in seconds. Dutch votes, "Arf!" 


TALES FROM THE COAST 


In Los Angeles, where trends are born 
and die faster than May flies, what's the lat- 
est celebrity diversion of choice? Public po- 
etry readings. Not long ago, the terminally 
trendy showed up at The Boss Club on 
Tuesdays (all Springsteen, all the time) 
now the place for the tragically hip is Cafe 
Largo. Every Tuesday evening, this for- 
mer Hungarian restaurant plays host to a 
curious mix of real pacts and aspiring 
poct-celebritics. The response has been 


awesome and the hipoisie love to dress the 
part—so much denim, black and Army: 
fatigue khaki hasn't been seen in public 
since Jack Kerouac strode the land. 

The poetry concerns a preannounced 
theme—something vague, along the lines 
of “Tomorrow,” “Lost and Found,” “Work, 
Play and Prayer” or “Slouching Toward 
L.A.” We recently dropped by and caught 
"It's a Man's World.” Since previous readers 
have included Justine Bateman, Carl Rei- 
ner, Ed Begley, Jr, Harry Dean Stanton, 
Judd Nelson, Patti D'Arbanville, Michael | 
Pollard, Meg Foster, Moon Zappa and 
Pamela Des Barres, we expected plenty of 
stanzas from the stars. And we weren't dis- 
appointed. TV writer Anne Beatts read a 
work about phallic symbols in Paris and 
the advantages of having a penis (you can 
write your name in the snow without using 
your hands) versus not having one (women 
can have sex even when they're dead). Ally 
Sheedy (introduced as “our favorite chick 
poet") read a work that endlessly repeated 
the lines “It is a man's world / But I asked a 
woman for advice." The symbolic meaning 
of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers also 
figured into the Sheedy work. Katey Sagal, 
from Married . . . with Children, lamented 
the agony of being married to a man who 


wants to be Ozzie when you dort want to 
be Harriet. And occasional Jefferson Air- 
plane/Starship member Paul Kantner de- 
scribed failing his test for a motorcycle 
license. 

The more riveting stuff came from the 
pros, such as Hubert Selby, Jr. (author of 
Last Exit to Brooklyn), who read a poem 
about making love to a sheep, only to have 
the sheep leave him fora goat. OK, so may- 
be it wasn't so riveting. 


LITERARY LOGIC 


According to the Readability Plus Pro- 
gram for the IBM PC, XT and AT (soft 
ware by Scandinavian PC Systems, Inc.), 
Ernest Hemingway is a more readable 
writer than William E Buckley, Jr. But 
that’s not all. Were talking here about a 
computer program that not only exhibits 
good taste but ollers advice on how to 


17 


18 


RAW 


DATA 


“Um not anti 
American. I wave the 
flag as much as any- 
body clsc."—convict- 
ed Soviet spy JAMES 
жили оп an FBI tape 
prior to arrest 


MEDISCAM 


Average payment то 
a lab in which the 
referring physician 
has a financial stake: 


$44.82 


. 
Average payment to 
а lab not affiliated 
with the referring 
physician: $25.48. 


Average number of the wors 


tests performed per 
patient at a lab 
affiliated with the referring physician: 
6.23. 


. 
Average number of tests per patient 
at an independent lab: 3.76. 


BILLIONS AND BILLIONS 


Nations with the most billionaires: 
the United States, 55: Japan, 41; West 
Germany, 20. 


. 

In the United States, ratio of billion- 
aires to the rest of the population: one 
to 4,500,000. 


D 
Ratio in West Germany: one to 
3,300,000. 
. 
Ratio in Japan: one to 2,900,000. 


IN SCHOOL TODAY? 
Average American teachers sal- 
ary for the 1988—1989 school year, 
$29,599; for the 1972-1973 school year 
(adjusted for inflation), $28,892. 
. 
State with the highest average salary 
Alaska, $41,832. 
. 
State with the lowest average salary: 
South Dakota, $20,525. 


for teachers: 


Average starting 
salary for a teacher 
during the 1988— 
1989 school year 
$19,598. 


AIR POLLUTION 


City with the 
highest level of parti- 
cles in the air over 
a 12-month period: 
New Delhi, India 

б 
h the high- 
est level of sulphur- 
dioxide air pollution 
over a 12-month peri- 
od: Shenyang, China. 


FACT OF THE MONTH . 


Thirty-one percent of 
. icans consider fruitcake to be 
possible Christmas 
present they could receive. 


Amer- 


ity with the worst 
carbon-monoxide lev- 
els over a five-year pe- 
riod: Paris, France. 


TRASHING 


Average amount of trash generated 
by each American in a year: 1382.9 
pounds. 


. 

Number of pounds of each Amer 
cams trash consisting of newspapers, 
101.5; beer and soft-drink cans, 47; 
beer and soft-drink bottles, 61.7. 

. 

Largest source of personal trash in 
each Americans annual output: yard 
vaste (2444 pounds per person). 


CITY LIVING 


World's most expensive city in which 
to live: Tokyo, Japan. 
о 
Second most expensive city in which 
to live: Osaka-Kobe, Japan. 
р 
Third most expensive city in which 
to live: Tehran, Iran. 
. 
World's least expensive city in which 
to live: Caracas, Venezuela 
. 
pensive city in which 
Brazil. 


Second least с: 
to live: Rio de Jancire 
. 


Third least expensive city in which to 


fi ао Paulo, Brazil. 


improve ones writing, as well. 

First the program counts the number 
and length of words and sentences in your 
пр sample. Then, after you categorize 
the style of the text—noting whether it’s 
bureaucratic, a novel, a magazine artich 
Government report or advertising—it 
rates the text's “readability” by means of 
various mathematical formulas. 

After analyzing a passage from The Old 
Man and the Sea, using all kinds of gor- 
geously colored bar charts, Readability 
Plus (RP) urged that Hemingway should 
“continue to write with [his] present style. 

A passage from Buckley's novel Stained 
Glass didn't fare so well. We were told 
Buckley could improve his “readability” if 
he canceled .8 long words per sentence, 
wrote more sentences containing only 
short words, reduced the number of com- 
plicated sentences and tried to use more 
simple, ordinary words—a therapy that we 
suspect would kill the patient, 

Atits most judgmental, RP characterizes 
sentences as simple, normal, foggy, wordy. 
pompous or elegant. The computer recog- 
nized Hemingway's simple style, while it 
called Buckley's pompous. By changing 
the text-analysis pattern from "novel" to 
“Government report,” however, the pro- 
gram saw Buckley in a better light, chang- 
ing its assessment from “hard” to “ver 
easy" to understand. So there you have it 
Buckley should be writing tax forms. 

A modot proposal. We'd like die au- 
thors of computer manuals to start using 
this software. Jt just may stop the growth 
of ugly sentences such as the one that starts 
on page eight with “One or more logical 
DOS drives . . ." and ends on page 12 with 
“in the extended DOS partition” 


wri 


GOOD SIGN 


The state of California requires its 
restaurant operators to post warnings that 
chemicals known to cause cancer, birth de- 
fects or other reproductive harm may be 
present i 


food or beverages being served. 
In San Francisco, sarcastic restaurateurs 
ve added a tag line: "The managemen 
therefore discourages all reproductive be- 
havior while eating or drinking on these 
premi: 


SWEETNESS DREAMS 


Walter “Sweetness” Payton, famed for 
having gained more N.EL. turf than any 
other mortal, wants to give you a boost 
Now the retired running back is peddling 
RPM'S—caffeine caplets that 
green-tea extract and other ingredients. 
yton says that's where he gets his energy. 
“There are times I need that extra boost, 
he said at а press conference, adding that 
the Chicago White Sox use КРМ, too, 
that may not be a ringing endorse- 
ment—the Sox spent most of this past 
summer about 20 games out of first place. 


contain 


BY OFFICIAL AUTHORIZATION 
OF ROLLS-ROYCE MOTOR CARS LTD. 


An Extraordinary Die-cast Classic 
Built by Hand with 144 Components 


Shown approximately 
actual size 0197/6" long. 
Scale 1:24. 


Open the hood and feast your eyes on the 
legendary Rolls-Royce six-cylinder engine. So 
fully detailed it includes dual spark plugs for 
each individual cylinder. And the body panels 
are painted to match the original. 

The price is just $120. A most favorable 
price for a production model distinguished 
by the incomparable quality synonymous with 
the name Rolls-Royce 


An authentic replica of the famed Phantom I 
Cabriolet De Ville. Handcrafted to the most 
exacting standards. And fully authorized by 
Rolls-Royce Motor Cars Lid. 

From the distinctive radiator shell with its 
Rolls-Royce emblem to the complete array of 
instrumentation and controls. The “ 
Ecstasy” hood ornament is plated in sterling 
silver and protectively coated. 

Among the operating features, a flip-up 
windshield, removable chauffcur's top, doors 
that open and close. 
día Mini Precision Models 
wish to order a 1:24 die-cast replica of the 1929 Rolls-Royce Phan- (ROLES) 
tom 1 Cabriolet De Ville. V will arrive fully assembled. ready for dis- Signature 
play and polished to a lustrous finish with the hood ornament plated in 
sterling silver, protectively coated. It will be accompanied by a Certifi- Name 
cate of Authenticity bearing the signature of an official of Rolls-Royce З повета 
Motor Cars Lid. 

1 need send no payment now. I will be billed for a deposit of $24* Address 
when my imported model is ready to be sent to me, and for the balance 
in four equal monthly installments of $24”. after shipment 


The traera ROUSRONCE. RE and 


Plcase тай by December 31, 1989. 


us my state sites tx 11905-19 


1929 ROLLSROYCE PHANTOM! | CABRIOLET DE VILLE 


2 


VIC GARBARINI 


pping one another via the 
press for a year, the Rolling Stones have 
pulled it together for another end-of-the- 
decade hat trick à la Let It Bleed and Tattoo 
You. Steel Wheels (Columbia) is easily the 
most focused, committed and vital Stones 
album in a decade. The surging chorus 
of Mixed Emotions signals the first real 
Stones anthem since Start Me Up. It both 
names the theme of the Stones reunion 
and marks a sea change in the band's si; 
ire sound. Keith Richards’ solo venture 
emphasized the elastic funk of his rhyth- 
mic grooves, while Mick Jagger's, charac- 
teristically, opted for the more radio-ready 
studio-gloss approach. Wheels is a com] 

mise of sorts, with the edge going to Mick. 
The trademark angular guitars are coated 
with a thick production glaze that rounds 
off their edges. Ron Wood and Keith's at- 
tack roars rather than rocks. The resulting 
balls-to-the-wall rock is 1 her than 
slinky, as if the Glimmers have finally been 
influenced by the Guns п’ Roses crowd 
they themselves so obviously nurtured. 
Churning out the basic tracks in a month 
rather than their standard year probably 
helped both turn up the heat and recon- 
nect the band—Mi vocals throughout 
are his best in ages. With some apparent 
desperation, the hand proves its musical 
virility and relevance with the pedal-to- 
the-metal attack of Hold on to Your Hat and 
Rock and a Hard Place. Now that they've 
proved to themselves that they can still get 
it up, maybe next time, they won't have to 
try so hard to do what comes naturally. 


AFTER PISTOL W 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Just when you think Van Morrison has 
gone to peat once and for all, the old 
gnome rubs his eyes, looks around the bog 
and патр into the light of a brand-new 
day. Many took his would-be Irish-folk 


attempt to liven up the s 

of all his albums bad and OK since 1982's 
Beautiful Vision. So along comes one called 
ry/Polygram), and the 
whether itll be а nice 
I sleep. Until cut one, the 
n's songs to God—Who really 
eed the attention—which fe: 
tur me other than Cliff Rich: nd 
turns out to be Van's liveliest tune since 
Cleaning Windows on Beautiful Vision. 
Theres a poem about Coney Island, an 
Irish bird-watching spot rather than the 
one in Brooklyn, and doesnt that sound 
© fun—only actually it's about content 
ment and ecstasy and all that good stuff. 
And, oh, yes, the Irish-folk number, more 
lyrical than lively—superb. By the time 


doesn’ 


No moss. 


Old Brits, new Brits, 
Brit twit and black 
pop from the Coast. 


you reach side two, you're softened up for 
some sodden pleasantries, These are OK. 


NELSON GEORGE 


Lenny Kravitz is the name of Li 
Bonets husband and the real name of 
Romeo Blue, the L.A.-based performe 
Significantly, on his debut album, Let Leve 
z^ name is, well, Krav 
itz. This half-black, half-Jewish musician is 
putting his heritage up front and, like his 
actress wife, making that racial back- 
ground part of his professional persona. 

Does the music reflect his pedigree? Oh, 
yeah. Such songs as Sittin’ on Top of the 
World, Fear and Be (їр back and forth be- 
tween Beatlesesque arrangements and Sly 
& the Family Stone-styled rhythms and 
harmonies. Kravitz seems unable to decide 
whether to sound like Sgt. Peppers Lonely 
Hearts Club Band or Stand! The Beatles 
Sly blend is reminiscent in tone but not i 
execution of many of Prince's more ambi 
tious efforts. Kravitz isn't yet the c 
to pull it off; though he is working on a fa: 
cinating jigsaw puzzle. 
abyface has no such craft problem 
Along with L. 
test produci 
Jam and Terry La 
including the breal 
dul, Pebbles, Karyn White and most of 
Bobby Browns epochal Dont Be Cruel. Sa 
“Face can make records. And that rai 
two questions abont his second solo album, 
Tender Lover (Epic): (1) Can he sing? (2) Can 


ng team since 


he personalize his sound for himself? Yes, 
10 query one. Babylace possesses a high 
tenor, often falsetto, that has an engaging, 
sweet quality in the soul tradition of 
Smokey Robinson. But that's not enough. 
The answer to question number two is no. 
If Karyn White or Pebbles essayed these 
tracks, you wouldn't be surprised. Baby- 
face does what he does best—clever 
grooves and perky hooks—but it's not the 
most personal music you ever heard 


DAVE MARSH 


The temptation to label all the pop mu- 
sic that emerges from the British Isles as 
“English” has been undone recently by the 
success of U2, which has pulled a half 
dozen other Irish groups into the li 
light. Soon it may be Scotland's turn 
The Scottish bands most likely to find 
themselves in a U2like position are Deacon 
Blue and Danny Wilson. Besides being 


GUEST SHOT 


sure, females say hes cute, but Aus- 
tralian-American rocker Johnny Diesel 
has talent, too—witness his US. 
debut, “Johnny Diesel and the [ще 
tors.” We asked him to assess “Heart 
Shaped World,” the newest release 
by another singer-songuriler-guilarıst 
whose chops compete with his look: 
Chris Isaak. 

“The sparse production. 
tar and deepeset vocals on t 
record conjure up a setting som 
where i ns of the Dako- 
tas; it's got a haunting, cinematic 
quality about it. James Calvin 
Wilsey tar work is as fluent as 
sage is as 
n the 


тї 


the сапу 


any Гуе heard. Each ра 
monumental as anything [rà 
golden age of the guitar, the Duane 


s especially on 
Kings of the Highway. Wut. Wicked 
Game shows that the band creates all 
that atmosphere using very little 
instrumentation— something rare 
these days. Chris has been labeled 
the “new Elvis Pi ' but it's not so 
much for his tone, style or presence; 
it's because he could sing anything 
that was rooted stylistically in the 
e Fifties and you'd believe h 

Is Ca ici ft 


: THE REIGNING VODKA. 


аон сы ad 


‘SMIRNOFF® VODKA 40 & 50% Alc: by. 
* Pw 


FAST TRACKS 


| chrisigau | соо 


Babyface | 


Tender Lover 6 | 


4 8 


` Malcolm McLoren | 
Waltz Darling 


Rolling Stones 
Steel Wheels 


Avalon Sunset 


Danny Wilson 
BeBop Moptop 


о јо |» о 


| 
Van Morrison | 
| 


чо 
ч jœ |o |o 
о jæ |o lo 


PAY-PER-HEAR DEPARTMENT: Here's an idea 
whose time has come: Music Systems, 
Inc., has launched Music Line, 2 nal 
service that allows you, the record 
buyer, to sample new recordings by 
calling 1-900-45-MUSIC and then 
punching in a four-digit code to hear a 
specific song. The caller can get ten to 
15 seconds of each song for 89 cents per 
minute. This means that before you 
pop for the price of an album or a CD, 
you can get an idea of what you'll be 
buying. It beats spending $12 only tu 
discover that you hate side two. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Ray Davies is 
working on a semi-autobiographical 
screenplay for an Australian producer, 
Davies expects to direct and do the mu- 
sic for the movie, which emphasizes the 
period of his life between the ages of 11 
and 13, when he was deeply trauma- 
tized by his sister's death. ... The music 
of Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground 
will be featured in an Andy Warhel doc- 
umentary, Superstar. Prince has four 
films in development. Three are street- 
oriented musicals and the fourth is a 
film bio of blues legend Robert Johnson. 
Look for the Purple One on tour after 
February: 

NEWSBREAKS: The Allman Brothers’ re- 
union tour was a success. The band says 
to expect more shows and a record con- 
tract. . . . ZZ Top plans to celebrate 20 
years together with a new album and a 
tour. . . . Paul McCartney will be touring 
in the US. in early 1990. . . . Tine Turner, 
who says there may be a ТУ series in 
her future, credits sweating on stage 
for keeping her young... . Watch for 
Michael Jackson's double LP of greatest 
hits (with three new songs) and albums 
by Brenda Russell, Billy Idol (finally!), Gyp- 
sy Kings, Kenny G., Jody Watley (dance 
tracks), Bobby Brown (ditto) and a third 
volume of greatest hits from Jerry Lee 
Lewis. . . . Tin Machine plans a follow-up 


album for next fall and a spring Ameri- 
+ Howard Jones is working on 
an all-instrumental album, which he 
says is not New Age music. ... living 
Colour's Vernon Reid is working 10 get Jimi 
Hendrix a star on Hollywood's Walk of 
Fame. . . . The December pay-per-view 
Rolling Stones concert may cost a bundle 
to buy. The world-wide rights to air the 
show may go as high as $10,000,000. 
Mary Wilson will have a new book, a fol- 
low-up to Dream Girl: My Life as a 
Supreme, and you can catch her live in 
Atlanta in the musical Beehive. . . . Let's 
hear it for one of our guys: Playboy mu- 
ic critic Nelson George won a special 
award from ıhe National Urban League 
for producing the Self Destruction sin- 
gle and video. Way to go. . . . For those 
of you who danced the nights away to 
all the great Som ond Dave songs, а 
grass-roots group in Memphis called 
Save Our Stax is trying 10 save the build- 
ing where many of those tunes were 
recorded. Possible ideas include re- 
furbishing the studio and/or creating 
an R&B foundation. If you're interest- 
ed in adding your voice, dollars or 
leas, write to Save Our Stax, Memphis 
Film, Tape and Music Commission, 245 
Wagner Place, Suite Four, Memphis, 
Tennessee 38103. . . . Take that, Tipper: 
Some retailers are sceing an increase in 
record sales of albums with parental- 
advisory stickers. . . . Finally, the annual 
Bob Dylon imitators' contest took place 
in New York at the end of the summer. 
There were seven categories: folk/pro- 
amphetamine rock, post-motor- 
accident, country (and voice 
ange), born-again, modern and free 


can tour. 


style. Steven Keene was the winner, and 
one of the judges was Dylan pal and 
folk singer Dave Van Ronk. The ever-elu- 


sive Bob didn't show up. 
ванна NELLIS 


sophomore releases, О.В. When the World 
Knows Your Name (Columbia) and D.W's Be- 
Bop Moptop (Virgin) share an unmistakable 
lyrical and melodic expressiveness—but 
neither has quite digested its influence 
Deacon Blues Ricky Ross is widely com- 
pared to Bruce Springsteen and Van Mor- 
rison, but Rosss Celtic accents and 
personal romanticism lend his songs a y 
sion that's all his own. Unfortunately, at 
this stage, he's a better songwriter (Real 
Gone Kid) and dram (Fergus Sings the 
Blues) than a record maker. That's a solu- 
ble problem, though, and if ıhe boys of 
Deacon Blue get past it, Next Big Thing- 
ness may be theirs. 

Danny Wilson has already had a major 
US. hit (19875 glorious Marys Prayer) and, 
as Пор 40's logical successor to Steely Dan, 
is likely to have more. D.W's singing is al- 
idy a match for Walter Becker and Don- 
ald Fagen's. Like Deacon Blue, though, thi 
band only sporadically makes music as 
warm as its licks are hot. That may not 
matter much to those who delighted in 
solving Steely Dans often ice-cold cultural 
riddles and rebuses, but the Celtic-rock 
tradition obliges these guys to become 
more soulful. I hope. 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


“The bass player in Bow Wow Wow once 
told me that Malcolm McLaren “couldn't 
manage a piss-up in a brewery" and. in 
terms of handling record companies and 
tour logistics, he was right. Lots of guys 
can handle record companies, organize 
tours and negotiate fees better than 
McLaren. What he had to offer a band was 
humor and vision, and in those depart- 
ments, he was irreplaceable. Both Bow 
Wow Wow and his other major band, The 
Sex Pistols, are now seen as groups far 
ahead of their time, and none of their 
alumni musicians have done anything 
nearly as interesting without McLaren. 

Presumably foreseeing abandonment as 
able, McLaren has since taken to 
working with musicians on an ad hoc basis 
to execute his ideas. His latest idea is Waltz 
Dorling (Epic), credited to McLaren, Jeff 
Beck. Bootsy Collins and (he Bootzilla Or- 
chestra, and it continues his fascination 
with cultural theft. In this case, the theft is 
"vogueing, ance style that emerged 
from the gay black subculture and imitates 
the moves of high-fashion models. Alw 
fascinated by the raucously democratic 
possibilities of adolescent sexuality and 
perception, McLaren does several semirap 
dialogs with girls who are insistent on own- 
ing both their feelings and their bodies. 
Compared with his work with the Pistols or 
the Wows, or his excursions into opera, 
Waltz Darling is morc suggestive than blas- 
phemous, but it has its subversive moments 
amid much very danceable house music 
Who but McLaren would even attempt a 
disco-funk version of The Blue Danube 
with a screaming guitar solo by Jeff Beck? 


45 1988 Fruit of the Loom, Inc. 
Опе Fruit of the Loom Drive. Bowi 


ing Groen, KY 42102. 
‘Selected styles made win DuPont Lycra® spandex. 


STYLE THAT FITS. 


Fruit of the Loom® fashion underwear 
has all the styles that fit his style. Like 
this sexy low rise, fly-front brief 
and matching athletic shirt. In 
comfortable cotton and the hottest 
colors. Fruit of the Loom fashion. 
Style that fits America’s men. 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


ENGLAND'S ANSWER to Working Girl and Wall 
Street is a chic, cynical romantic drama 
called Dealers (Skouras). Rebecca De Mor- 
пау, still up to her pretty neck in risky busi- 
ness, plays an American manipulator 
employed by a huge London bank. She's a 
whiz-bang stock trader as well as а sexpot 
whose crowded calendar allows time for af- 
fairs with her boss (John Castle) and her 
archrival in the firm (Paul McGann), who 
thinks her top-echelon job should have 
gone to him. He appears to be doing all 
right, though, commuting by seaplane to 
his country estate on the Thames. The du- 
bious morality of making big money for 
the sheer joy of it is debated, exposed and 
scorned, as usual, with De Mornay and 
McGann ultimately teamed to weather a 
crisis on the big board. The death of a for- 
mer colleague teaches them that there 
is more to life than greed, and they fly off 
in a scaplane, presumably to settle for less. 
So will they live on Yuppie love alone? 
Not bloody likely. Director Colin Вис 
sey's coolly detached tone makes it 
clear that this is a mating dance of born 
predators. ¥¥¥% 


. 

Sea of Love (Universal) stacks up as a star 
vehicle for Al Pacino, absent from the 
screen since Revolution, one ot the biggest 
bombs of 1985. Pacino plays a divorced, 
hard-drinking Manhattan detective, cligi- 
ble for retirement but not quite ready to 
quit. He is a commanding actor, as always, 
bringing heavyweight impact to a part he 
could play in his sleep. You wont sleep, 
however, as Pacino sets out to solve the case 
of a serial killer who shoots naked men in 
the back of the head while they are forced 
to simulate sexual climax, for reasons no 
sane person can imagine. The chief sus- 
pectis Ellen Barkin, tcamcd with Pacino in 
some supercharged close encounters and 
staking out her share of the picture despite 
a role that doesn't make much sense. Direc- 
tor Harold Becker exploits her sneery sen- 
suousness for all it's worth, but Richard 
Price's hard-edged, suspenseful screen- 
play stretches plausibility by casting Bar- 
as a swinging single who has to answer 
personals ads to find eligible bed partners. 
Unless, of course, she's also a homicidal 
psychopath. Sea of Love has enough red 
herrings to fill a trawler, but Barkin, Pa- 
cino and John Goodman—Roseanne's TV 
jate—as Al's plain-clothes side-kick make 
it a darkly exciting trip. vvv 

. 

You somchow know what to expect when 
a movie called Welcome Home (Columbia) 
includes a tile song performed on the 
sound track by Willie Nelson—words by 
Marilyn and Alan Bergman, music by 
Henry Mancini. What follows is culture 
schlock, with Kris Kristoflerson as an 


Dealers McGann, De Mornay. 


Big deals in London, 
Sick crimes in Manhattan, 
enlightenment in Jo'burg. 


MLA. Vietnam veteran who shows up afi- 
er 17 years in Cambodia only to find that 
his wife (JoBeth Williams) has remarried 
and the son he never knew (Thomas 
Wilson Brown) is calling another man 
(Sam Waterston) Dad. Few clichés are left 
untouched in the turgid screenplay, a sop- 
py swan song for the late director Franklin 
1. Schaffner, who had the best last word 
about men and war in his memorable 1970 
Oscar winner, Patton. Y 
E 

An amazing performance by Daniel 
makes My Left Foot (Miramax) a 
not-to-be-missed movie. Nowadays, any 
film in the Mirade Worker mode—hailing 
abled person who beats insuperable 
odds to become a celebrity—usually spells 
sudden death at the box office. My Left Foot 
may prove an exception to the rule. This 
free adaptation by co-author and director 
Jim Sheridan of the moving autobiography 


of Irish author and artist Christy Brown is 
ith- 


warm, romantic and cuuingly funny 
out a trace of teary sentimentality. Ch; 
who was born with severe cerebral palsy in 
1932 and died in 1981, is brilliantly por- 
trayed both by Lewis and by Hugh 
O'Conor, as the young Christy, who's just 
seven when he first seizes a piece of chalk 
with his foot and scratches marks on the 
floor to let his poverty-stricken parents 
know they have a genius on their hands. In 
later years, Christy deals as well as he can 
with success, sex and women. Fiona Shaw 
and Ruth McCabe are both fine, respec- 
tively playing the therapist he loves and 
loses and the bemused nurse he finally 


wins; still, Brenda Fricker all but steals the 
show as Christy's fiercely loyal supermom. 
Ray McAnally plays his proud da. There is 
much of which to be proud in this upbeat, 
eloquent sleeper, which will not send any 
one home depressed. vvvv 

. 

Adapted from a novel by Andre Brink, А 
Dry White Season (MGM/UA) provides a 
vivid showcase for Donald Sutherland, 
very movingly underplaying his role as an 
apolitical teacher and fa 
hannesburg. South Ай 
scholarly comp 
starts inquiring about the death ofa young 
boy, the son of his gardener (Winston 
Ntshona). The gardeners subsequent 
death leads Sutherland deeper into а 
labyrinth of official deceit in the land of 
apartheid, then to a liberal lawyer, played 
by Marlon Brando. Back in movies after a 
nine-year hiatus, all jowls and beefy, bris- 
tling authority, Brando makes his bravura 
courtroom scenes the kind of virtuoso 
cameo the late Orson Welles used to breeze 
through, while Susan Sarandon also regis- 
ters tellingly ina significant minor role as a 
resourceful reporter. Euzhan Расу, a gift 
ed black woman breaking into moviedom's 
major league (her last effort was Sugar 
Cane Alley, an ingratiating 1983 sleeper), 
directs an altogether impressive cast that 
also includes Zakes Mokae, Jiirgen Proch- 
now and Janet Suzman, the last especially 
fine as Sutherland's distraught wife, who 
leaves him when he endangers their lives 
by bucking the status quo. Similar polem- 
ical films (eg.. Cry Freedom) have been 
condemned for concentrating on the 
awakened consciences of white characters 
instead of spreading black Africa's story 
Weighed against the topical urgency and 
dramatic power of Dry White Season, such 
arguments won't wash. No color line can 
blur this movies potent message or dull its 
impact. vvyx 


. 

Animal lovers will be thrilled to learn 
that no beasts were injured or mistreated 
during the filming of The Bear (Tri-Star), 
French director Jean-Jacques Annaud' re- 
markable wildlife epic. Already a phenom- 
enal success, having grossed more than 
$90,000,000 since its release in Europe last 
year, the movie has only a few minutes of 
dialog —by some bear hunters tracking the 
fuzzy stars—and outdoes Disney as a spec 
tacular outdoor adventure. An orphaned 
bear cub that adopts an adult male grizzly 
as its traveling companion is the irresistible 
ingénue of the piece, which was largely 
filmed in Italy (though identified for story- 
telling purposes as British Columbia in 
1885). The cubs encounters with. men, 
cougars, fish, fauna, Hora and forces of 
nature are photographed with breath-tak- 
ing skill and patience by Annaud, whose 
1981 Quest for Fire dramatized the rise of 


Distinction 


Rarely awarded, always treasured. 
Е 


E 
VERY OLD 
| MAU wHISKY 


17 Years Old 


© George Bollontine & Son Limited 


exasperating. The difference 
is where you take your stand 
on quality. Get Sorels and 
walk all over winter 

EK t ШЕЛ 


Some people think if they can make 
a boot, they can match a Sorel. Not an 
outside chance! 


A Sorel is a lot more than a look. 


It's a legend. We've been to the North 
Pole, and most places in the world 
that feel like it, and we've perfected 
winter's ultimate weapon - Sorel. 

From the Arctic to the Ozarks, 
Maine to Montana, Sorel is the 
cold standard. 

We know how to buy, tan 
and cut leathers; construct 
and waterproof bottoms; gZ 
design soles, eyelets and 
laces; and build-in super- 
insulating wool liners Шай 
beat any other boot cold! 


Winter can be one 
ofthe most exhilarating 
seasons or one of the most 


for men, E ; + 
and children, rated -e > 


from 'somewhat E] 
cool (+258) to 
‘downright hostile | m 
(-85F). Each comes me 
with aninforma- ШЙ 
tive tag to help you pick yours. 
Demand the brand. 
Or men inside. 


V THE COLD STANDARD 


For the name of your nearest store, write: Kaufman Footwear, 700 Ellicott St., Batavia, New York 14020. 


мі Y 
y 


A PROMASTER SENSOR SERIES 


Expert divers, climbers and flyers depend on their буб Senses, as they measure their courage against 
the elements of nature. Now Citizen gives them a "sixth sense" to /Mieasure their achievements: Promaster 
Sensor Series, the most adyameed sports watches in the world. 


The world's first 

diving watch with a depth 
sensor. 

«Depth sensor — measures 
from 1m to 80m «Depth alarm 
«Maximum depth recording 
function *Elapsed dive time 
chronograph «Dive time alarm 
function «Dive time recording 
function Water-resistant (20 bar) 
Mot available in Japan. 


The world's first professional 
climbing watch with 
an elevation sensor. 
Ekvation function — measures 
from —300m to 5,000m* 
Barometer funcion — measures. 
from 500 mbar to 1,090 mbar 
iromerric fluctuation display" 
mory те elevation 
«Elapsed climbing 
те. chronograph / memory 
‘*Elevation compensator »With- 
stands cold lo — 20°C eWater- 
resistant (3 bar) eCompass ring 


bezel 
Locally available model. differs. 
slightly from design shown. 


The worlds first professional 
sky sports watch with 

an allitude sensor. 

‘Attitude function — measures 
from 0808 to 17000" 
eBarometer function — measures 
from 500 mbar to 1,050 mbar 
e4-memory  time/elevation 
function «Elapsed time chrono- 
graph memory vAlitude compen- 
Salor eWithstands cold to — 4°F 
‘Water-resistant (3 bar) «5ійе- 
rule bezel 

Locally available model differs. 
slighty from design show. 


"Calibrated by RUSKA pressure gauges approved by the National Bureau ol Standards, U.S.A @ ( I | І Z i | N 


Watches not recommended for timing parachute opening Gree Amber mann о nern vm 


YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME.. 


FORGOT 


Words are easily said and just as 
easily forgotten. Especially in 
business. Use a Philips Pocket 
Memo; your electronic notebook. 
It instantly records notes, ideas 
and conversations. From Philips — 
the dictation specialist. 


PHILIPS 


PHILIPS DICTATION SYSTEMS Triester Strasse 64, A-1101 Vienna, Austria 


р! 


casionally 


tive man. Here, the music is oc- 


obtrusive, as are the bear 


sounds—a touch of anthropomorphic 
cuteness that reaches its peak when the 


Remember the name: Sciorra. 


FF CAMERA 


Talk about runaway success: This 
will be a banner year for Annabella 
iore (pronounced — shee-yorra). 
The New York-born daughter of 
Italian immigrant parents, Sciorra 
attended the American Academy of 
Dramatic Arts before making her 
film debut as a Bronx bride-to-be in 
True Love. After that sleeper won a 
grand prize at Utah's United States 
Film Festival in January, she zoomed 
time. "Word got around 
after the festival. A producer saw 
True Done and recommended me to 
director Mike Figgis for Internal Af- 
fairs, where 1 play Richard Gere's 
wife. He's a bad guy with the L.A. 
police, and I turn him in." The next. 
star encountered. on her meteoric 
rise was Robin Williams. "1 finished 
Internal Affairs on May seventh this 
year and started Cadillac Man on 
May eighth. I'm not supposed to tell 
much about the movie, but Robin's a 
Cadillac sale „ and 1 play Tim 
Robbins’ wife. He's an incredibly 
jealous husband, sort of crazy" By 
the time you read this, Sciorra will 
be full speed ahead in Reversal of 
Fortune. “Its about the second trial 
of Claus von Bülow, with Jeremy 
Trons as Claus and Glenn Close as 
his wife, Sunny I'm a young lawyer 
on the case. т, Annabella has 
deflected the curse of typecasting. 
"At first, because of the part I play 
in True Love, people expected me to 
come in chewing gum, with a Bronx 
accent. I tell them what they want 
to hear: that I can be American, 
nch, Cuban or French-Italian and 
from eighteen to twenty-sev- 
* Being an actress 
ak helps, she acknowl- 
edges. “This is actually my first 
interview, ever. Things have hap- 
pened so fast, 1 do get overwhelmed 
at times. But mostly, it's cool." 


cub peers coyly through the shrubbery 
while its hulking companion is rutting 
with a she-bear in heat. Quibbles aside, The 
Brar is а unique film journey for ardent 
zoophiles and environmentalists. ¥¥¥ 

. 

A sperm meets an egg under the open- 
ing credits Of Look Who's Talking (Tri-Star). 
Bruce supplies the off-screen voice 
of the fertilized egg, the embryo, the new- 
born baby and the toddler—all represent- 
ing a child born to single parent Kirstie 
Alley from an affair with a married lout 
(George Segal). Willis still sounds like the 
wise-ass David of TV's Moonlighting, but 
that's the least of the problems with writer- 
director Amy Heckerling's cutesy one-joke 
comedy, which strains to adopt the little 
guys point of view but keeps shifting, 
smirking, overstating and coming to a 
dead stop. The various tots. portraying 
young Mikey are winsome scene stealers, 
of course. Alley is appealing, too, as a lib- 
erated mom opposite John Travolta, push- 
ing his boyish charm as the taxi driver who 
whisks her to the hospital to give birth, 
reappears to baby-sit and evolves into the 
obvious hest bet as a suitable daddums. 
Write off Look Who’ Talking as yet another 
stillborn career choice for poor John. Y 

. 

al superstar Paul Sco- 
field, Oscar's 1966 Best Actor in A Man 
for All Seasons, is the main attraction in 
When the Whales Came (Fox). As an old, 
deal recluse on the Scilly Isles off the Eng- 
lish coast, Scofield lends weight to a frail 
film fable about curses, superstition, sca 
lore and innocence in the early years of 
World War One. Helen Mirren and David 
Threlfall are properly weathered and 
rock-solid as the parents of a young girl 
(newcomer Helen Pearce) whose best 
friend (Max Rennie) helps Scofield save 
some tusked whales and erase a local 
curse. Dont sweat the details. What Whales 
is really all about is the bleak, lyrical beau- 
ty of the Scilly Isles. Call your travel agent 
for the real thing. ¥¥ 


Britain's theat 


. 

Viewers who were glued to their TV sets 
watching nine manned flights to the moon 
between 1968 and 1972 will relish For All 
Mankind (Apollo Associates) as enthralling 
nostalgia. For those who don't remember, 
independent producer-director Al Rei- 
nerts unique space-age documentary 
holds the thrill of discovery combined with 
something like euphoria. Edited and 
blown up for the big screen from millions 
of feet of film from NASA archives, much 
of it previously unseen, Mankind is less a 
history than a poetic and subjective per- 
sonal essay on getting out of this world, 
Freely narrated in somewhat casual fash- 
ion (you don't always know who's 
by our Apollo astronauts who flew to the 
moon, the movie looks like a billion dollars’ 
worth of special effects, but actually cost 
taxpayers a lot more. And it's all for real. 
Eat your heart out, Spielberg. vvv 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Batman (Reviewed 10/89) This years 
high flyer—the biggest, if not best. УУУ 
The Bear (See review) Ursa major. ¥¥¥ 
The Big Picture (11/89) Going Hollywood 
with Kevin Bacon, plus droll spoofery 
by Martin Short. Wh 
Breaking In (11/89) Bill Forsyth’s wry ca- 
per comedy with Burt Reynolds as a 
senior second-story man. vu 
Cosualties of Wer (10/89) More Бала 
news from "Nam, by DePalma. ууу 
Cookie (10/89) Emily Lloyd growing up 
asa gangster's daughter. Wh 
Dealers (See review) Another working 
girl wows the City of London. ¥¥% 
Do the Right Thing (8/89) Shrewdly unset- 
Шипр black comedy set in the Bed-Stuy 
slums—from Spike Lee. wow 
Drugstore Cowboy (11/89) Matt Dillon in 
search of a fix. Wr 
A Dry White Season (Sce review) Stirring 
personal drama about apartheid. УУУУ 
For All Mankind (See review) Up, up and 
away with Apollo's moon men. ¥¥¥ 
The Gods Must Be Crazy И (11/89) Low- 
jinks out of Africa one more time. YY 
The Heart of Dixie (10/89) Coeds livin’ 
and learnin in the land of cotton. ¥¥ 
Heavy Petting (10/89) The way we were, 
sex-wise, back in the Fifties. vu 
Johnny Handsome (11/89) Rourke's fine 
as a thief with a face lift, few friends 
and an uncertain future. ww 
Look Who's Talking (See review) Well, his 
initials are B.W. з 
My Left Foot (Sce review) A-1 work by all 
hands in a roguish film bio. ww 
Old Gringo (11/89) South of the border 
with Fonda, Peck and lots of rebels. YY 
Porenthood (11/89) Steve Martin caught 
up in family ties to the max www 
Romero (10/89) Great work by Raul Julia 
as slain Salvadoran churchman. УУУУ 
Sea of Love (Scc review) Pacino and 
Barkin collide over sex crimes. vu 
sex, lies, and videotape (9/89) Yuppies in 
love or out of it in a wry, witty black 
comedy about relationships. wm 
Shirley Valentine (10/89) As played by 
Pauline С she's a da English 
housewife on a liberation trip. ¥¥¥¥% 
Story of Women (Listed only) French 
abortionist brought to judgment. ЗУМА 
True Love (11/89) Boy meets girl for a big 
Italian wedding in the Bronx. vu 
Welcome Home (Sec review) M.I.A, vet 
who might wish he'd stayed that Y 
When Harry Met Sally. . . (10/89) Friend- 
ship first, bed later. A 
When the Whales Came (See review) Frail 


fable with solid Paul Scofield. v 
¥¥¥¥¥ Outstanding 
¥¥¥¥ Don't miss YY Worth a look 
¥¥¥ Good show y Forget it 


25 


VIDEO 


FEST SEPT 


Barry Sobel, actor 

(227, Punchline) and 

comedian, has a stand- 

up act that plays 

kamikaze all over the 

pop-culture landscape, 

nailing everything from 

rap music to Neil Simon. 

When it comes to his 

VCR menu, Sobels tastes are modem. "I go back 

only as far as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance 

Kid. Another Western, Silverado, is one of the 

most underrated movies—ever. | love James 

Bond stuff and aff Woody Allen films —especial- 

ly Manhattan and Stardust Memories. Allen kills 

me." Barry couldn't resist a parting shot at Tom 

Cruise. “I'm so glad he did Rain Man, because 

Cocktail was one of those movies where we 

couldn't care less about the main characters 

job. Like, imagine Stallone as the greatest 

miniature golfer of all time: ‘Windmill! Windmill! 
Free game! I'm your worst nightmare—ever!" 

— LARA ssn 


VIDEO SLEEPERS 
good movies that crept out of town 


Buster: Britain's Great Train Robbery rı 
ited, with singer-composer Phil Collins 


and Julie Walters as a couple choosing true 
love over ill-gotten gai 
Rocket to the Moon: А vibrant made-for-TV 
film from d Odets’ poetic Depres- 
sion-era drama about the life and loves of a 
henpecked Brooklyn dentist—with John 
Malkovich, never better, and Judy Da 
Silver Bears: Even before Moonlighting, Cyb- 
ill Shepherd was a pretty funny lady. Here, 
shes married to Tommy Smothers but 
making out with Michael Caine, who pol- 
ishes up scams in the silver market. 


THE HARDWARE CORNER 
You Don't Say: For viewers who are good 


a Su- 


Coach, a remote control that gives 
vocal, step-by-step instructions for opera- 
tion, by Sharp. 

Your Name Here: Now you can play TV 
anchor person—your name appearing 
magically in front of you and all—with 
new Hi8 camcorder (H460). It has 
n character generator and a digital 
superimposer that sharpens your mes- 
sage—everything but spell check. $2199. 
ig Pictures: Want to put your favor- 
ideo star on a pedestal? How about a 
motorized one? Toshiba's new 32-inch tele- 
vision (CX3288]) has a motorized remote- 
control swivel base. You press, it turns. A 
couch-potato fantasy MAURY LEVY 


Scandal (true story of showgirls bed hopping omong Brit 


politicol 


lite; ovoiloble in R-roted ond uncensored ver- 


sions); Earth Girls Are Easy (horny oliens crosh-land оп 


earth, discover Volley girls; cute); Miss Fireeracker (South- 
ern miss goes from smoll-town pump to beauty-contest 
hopeful; Holly Hunter sporkles). 


Scrooged (Bill Murroy in spirited updote of the Christmas 


feost r 


classic, coscripted by S.N.L.'s Michoel O'Donoghue); Your 
Christmas Yule Log Fireplace (59 minutes of burning log 
backed by your fovorite corols; fun party vid), Great 
Chefs International Holiday Table (20-plus Christmos- 
es гот turkey to plum pudding); Miracle on 


34th Street (still the runowoy winner). 


CBS/Fox's Laurence Olivier Collection (the legendory 
| thesp in four classics, including Rebecca and The Boys from 
Brozil); Bedtime Story (Brondo ond Niven os the origino! 
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Shirley Jones os their prey—o 
fun oldy); Arsenic and Old Lace (old moids poison old 
geezers; Cory Grant o! his funniest), 


group). 


MPIs Klassix-I3 series (combo costume dromos/music 
vids louding lives and works of Mozort, Beethoven, Schu- 
bert ond Brohms); The Judds: Across the Heartland (on 
the rood with the strumming 'n' stunning mom-doughter 
teom; o C&W keeper); The Doobie Brothers: Listen to the 
Music (vid history of the newly reunited Seventies super- 


VIDEO FIT 
checking out those exercise tapes 


Dolph Lundgren: Maximum Potential: A 
tough, complete workout starring Stal- 
lones Rocky IV nemesis. Its an intelligent 
and physically challenging series of rou- 
tines featuring the “body sculpting” tech- 
nique. Ladies may enjoy it, too: Its 
chock-full of bare-skin close-ups of Lund- 
gren's chiseled physique (IVE). 

: Go on, laugh, but here's a com- 
'e video for those who like a little 
sweat, some coor ion training and 
over-all body toning. Designed for kids but 
excellent for adults, the ta 
cent, upbeat sound track, especially Doing 
the Goofy Groove (Disney). 
Dance Away: Get Fit with the Hits: Yes, toc 


Seventies and Eighties), each offering 

minutes of low-impact aerobics. Best boog- 
ie: Good Golly, Miss Molly, in the Fifties in- 
stallment (Congress Vidi 
Yoga Moves: Alan “Video Yogi" Finger’ al- 
ternative to the high-impact grind is a 
lai k exercise regimen aimed at the 
integration of mind and body. No grunting 
and heavy-breathing stuff here: just some 
nice stretching and breathing routines. 
Best feature: Fingers bevy of beautiful 
students (MCA). — STUART WARMFLASH 


VIDEOSYNCRASIES 


Video Girlfriend: An interactive video 
date—from that first phone call to the 
goodnight kiss —starring Jessica (One Life 
to Live) Tuck. Cassette includes contest en- 
try form with which viewer can win an ac- 
tual date with the real Jessica (How to 
Fantasy Films). 

Winning Strategy for the Sports Bettor: 
Chuck Connors hosts rundown on h 
the odds at pro basketball, base 
football. Tips from professi 
Rose dream tape (Videotakes). 

Flesh Eating Mothers: A new answer to 
the perennial "Mommy, whats for din- 
In this B-type feature, a sirange 
rus turns quiet suburban moms into can- 
nibals who cat their young. Not quite fun 
for the whole family (Academy). 


SHORT TAKES 


Rudest Porn Title of the Month: Splendor їп the 
Ass; Best Why-Bother? Video: How to Play 
Flutes of the Andes: Level 1; Best Live-on-the- 


Edge Video: How to Market, Eat Out & Read 
Labels; Best Oh-Give-It-Up Video: Feel Your 
Way to Better Golf, Best Dirty-Laundry Video: 
Clergy Marriages in Crisis; Favorite Reach- 
Out-and-Touch-Something Video: How to Call 
Canada Geese; Best It's-a-Living Video: How to 
Field Judge Trophy Mule Deer. 


HOLIDAY GOLD. LET IT GLOW LET IT GLOW LET IT GLOW 


To SEND A GIFT Or V.O. Catt | 800 238-4373. EXCEPT WHERE PROHIBITED By Law. 


30 


By DIGBY DIEHL 


THE DANCER in writing about larger-than- 
life characters, such as John Huston, is that 
the writer will fall victim to the mythology, 
be seduced by egotistical bravura and end 
up portraying a popular icon instead of a 
man. In many sections of The Hustons 
(Scribner's), biographer Lawrence Grobel 
rightly allows Huston to set the scene, pick 
the camera angles and tell his story with all 
the power of a master raconteur, Then 
Grobel turns to a chorus of other voices 
providing corroboration, correction and 
alternative versions for the record. This 
technique gives us both the charming the- 
atricality of his subject and a realistic per- 
spective on his life 

Although the center of this hefty tome is 
John, itis also, as the title suggests, a Hus- 
ton family saga, because this great writer 
director-actor consistently intermixed hi 
roles as son and patriarch with his career. 
Closely associated with his famous father, 
Walter, whom he directed in The Treasure 
of the Sierra Madre, John actually was more 
affected by his domineering mother, 
ve for 
ive wives, five children, numer- 
liaisons, as well as hundreds 
of colorful friends and talented. people 
with whom he worked, add to this Huston 
historical pageant. 

In fact, given the state of perpetual cri- 
sis that appears to have surrounded Hus- 
ton, his achievements as a film maker are 
all the more impressive. He directed 44 
films, including such classics as The Maltese 
Falcon (1941), The Red Badge of Courage 
(1951) and The African Queen (1951), What 
makes this book so additionally fasci 
Huston’s genius as a storyteller. When 
Grobel, who is a Playboy Contributing Edi- 
tor, visited Huston in 1984 at his home 
near Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, to do a 
Playboy Interview, Huston тий have 
known that he had found a biographer he 
could trust. Subsequently, he gave Grobel 
more than 100 hours of ws, as well 
as access to his correspondence and his 
family papers. The result is a sprawling, 
dramatic tapestry of a life lived to the 
fullest: the story of artist who went by 
his own rules for 81 years and was not 
afraid to tell everything. 

Nelson Algren had some of the same 
ornery characteristics of honesty and indi- 
viduality as John Huston, but he chose 10 
champion the underdog in both his life 
and his writing. In Nelson Algren: A Life on 
the Wild Side (Putnam), Bettina Drew gives 
us the first biography of this complex man 
He wrote deeply moving books of social 
conscience about people trapped in the 
slums of Chicago, such as Never Come 
Morning and The Neon Wilderness; he won 
the National Book Award for a brilliant 
novel about drug addiction, The Man with 


whose own frustrations fueled his dri 
success, 


The Hustons: colorful family saga. 


A Huston historical 
Pageant; sensational sequels 
and first-rate anthologies. 


the Golden. Arm; he had a passionate affair 
with French femi one de Beauvoir 
and was toasted in literary circles in Amer 
ica and Europe; yet he died in 1981 in Sag 
Harbor, New York, far from his beloved 
Chicago, impoverished and unable to find 
a publisher for his last book. Drew chroni- 
cles Algren's uncompromising life with an 
appreciation for his need to live as an out- 
sider. More important, she provides a so- 
cial context for k and implicitly 
argues that this heir to Theodore Dreiser 
and Sinclair Lewis be restored to a place of 
prominence in American letters. 

nce Arthur C. Clarke took science- 
fiction mainstream in 1968 with the 
screenplay (co-written with Stanley Ku- 
brick) of 2001 : A Space Odyssey and its nov- 
el version, this 72-year-old resident of Sri 
Lanka has been our most important vi- 
sionary writer. Now he is back with a sequ 
to Rendezvous with Rama (19 
continues his philosophical speculations 
about how future contacts with forms of 
life from other planets will alter our con- 
cepts of human possibility In Rema И 
(Bantam)—written with NASA's head ofso- 
lar-system exploration, Gentry Lee—a sec- 
ond Raman spacecraft enters our solar 
system in 2196. The crew of the Newton, 
sent to meet it, becomes entangled in a sto- 
ry filled with wondrous new technology, 
mysticism, Shakespeare, French history 
and suspenseful human drama. This is a 
space trip that no reader will want to miss. 
Sequels are clearly in vogue this ye: 


turned to characters and themes from car- 
lier books for inspiration. In Some Can 
Whistle (Simon & Schuster), Larry Mc 
Murtry brings Danny Deck from All My 
Friends Ате Going to Be Strangers back to 
Hardtop County, Texas. Danny is now 51, 
wealthy from writing for T V and ready for 
the quiet semirctirement of trying to write 
а novel, when TR., the daughter he has 
never met, bursts into his life with two 
grandchildren and a bizarre collection of 
lovers and friends. McMurtry has a gift for 
probing the poignant depths of parent- 
child. relationships, and the emotional 
roller-coaster ride of this love affair be- 
tween father and daughter is a moving, hi- 
larious delight. 

In Peter Gent's North Dollos After Forty 
(Villard), the aging jocks are still into sex, 
drugs and macho antics at their 20th re- 
union; however, the years have added 
those bittersweet complications that come 
with being 2 grownup. Gent, who wrote 
North Dallas Forty after playing tight end 
for the Cowboys, has kept his raucous 
sense of locker-room humor intact, and 
this follow-up novel has just the right touch 
of maturity and emotional depth. Bruce 
Jay Friedman' The Current Climate (Atlantic 
Monthly) has a sweet nostalgic richness 
that sets it apart from the other sequels. 
The title character from About Harry 
Towns is now 57, living on Long Island with 
his second wife and young daughter and 
comically struggling in his career as a writ- 
er. A long section flashes back to Harry's 
youth in New York in the Fifties. 

Finally, two first-rate anthologies have 
ed on my desk. West of the West: Imag- 
ining Colifornia (North Point), edited by 
Leonard Michaels, Raquel Scherr and 
David Reid, focuses brilliantly on the 
mythology of the West, with contributors 
ranging from Ben Hecht and Gertrude 
Stein to Umberto Eco and Octavio Paz, 
City Sleuths and Tough Guys (Houghton 
Mifllin), edited by David Willis McCu 
lough, mixes Poe, Hammett, Chandler and 
Spillane with Donald E. Westlake, Joseph 
Hansen, Sue Grafton, Sara Paretsky and 
others in a bouillabaisse of crime that will 
be any mystery fan's dish. 


BOOK BAG 


Rummies (Random House), by Peter 
Benchley: The author turns his own bout 
with the bottle into a wildly funny novel 
about drying out. 

Who Shot Longshot Sam? (Mysterious), by 
Paul Engleman: Damon Runyon couldn't 
have created a more entertaining and col- 
orful collection of characters as suspects in 
a murder mystery Englemans guys and 
dolls are racetrack denizens, yet to be 


tricd —but true. 


per cigarette by FIC method. 
© 189 A.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO 


tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotine ev. 


17 mg. "ti 


WOMEN 


Е now on, 1 think we must have new 
social behavior. From now on, we have 
to know whether or not we're going on a 
real date. 

I can't take it anymore. I can't take get- 
ting any more phone calls from any more 
men saying, “How about if we go оп а date 
Saturday night?" and what they really 
mean How about if we go to a party 
Uptown and meet a lot of our friends and 
then all go out for something to eat and 
then I go home with someone else?” or: 

“How about if I take you to this odd little 
neighborhood place and tell you all about 
my divorce and how I have no sex drive 
anymore and how І don't think ГИ ever be 
involved with anyone ever again and then 
ask you for advice on how to pick up the 
barmaid?” or: 

“How about if we go to a night club, 
where I pump you for information about 
jobs, and then I come right out and ask you 
to help me get a job, then I put a lamp 
shade on my head, then in the taxi home, 1 
get ont real quick and you pick up the 
fare?" 

1 mean, it's humiliating as hell to get a 
call for a date and not even know whether 
ог not to be nervous. To not even be able to 
take that initial step and ask yourself 
whether you like this guy, whether you're 
attracted 10 this guy, whether you ever 
want to see this guy without his clothes on, 
because he may not even mean it. 

He may want to be “just friends.” 

But he doesn't tell me that. No. People 
are modern now. So I have to do this 
hideous mental contortion of keeping my 
mind totally blank, expecting nothing, 
hoping for nothing, but meanwhile, I have 
to clean my house, wash my hair, shave my 
legs, rub in body oil, splash on perfume, 
find stockings, try on ten outfits, jump onto 
the scales a few times, blow-dry my hair, 
wet it and blow-dry it again, reapply de- 
odorant, brush my tecth for 15 minutes, 
then put my hair in a ponytail. Just in case. 

All the while, I try keeping my mind a 
blank; all the while, my mind refuses to be 
blank and keens, “Is this a date? Or not?" 

1 don't want to spend another ounce of 
my time on detective work. I don't want to 
analyze. lam not Sherlock Holmes, so why 
should I have to sift for clues? 

“He's called me four times this week: 
does that mean something?" 

"My friends tell me he's always talking 
about how adorable I am, he brings me up 
in conversation all the time, so what does 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


SNOW JOB 


And so 1 try on ten outfits, trying inane- 
ly to look good, to look sexy, but at the 
same time, I want to look regular, like 
nothing at all is going on. And then I feel 
so pathetic. 

Because 1 may be being played for a 
fool. Because I let myself be thrown off 
balance. When a man (or, I would guess, a 
woman) isacting in a seductive manner, 
hard to retain equilibrium. 

There was recently a very dull man who 
just kept at me. Calling. Flattering. Calling 
again. Bringing flowers! 

"He's boring, Mom, he puts me to sleep," 
said my kid. 

“I know, kid,” I said. "I'm not interest- 


But eventually I succumbed. I thought 
that if anyone were doing this much pursu- 
ing, I should stop being so judgmental, I 
should open my heart. After all, the ones L 
chose for myself were often passionate but 
completely insane. Maybe what I consid- 
ered tedious was just normal. So I talked 
myself into it. 

We went to a party Uptown, where we 
met some friends, and my date invited 
them all to eat with us. After which he 
kissed me good night and got into a cab 
a tall brunette and a small blonde, and 
the small blonde told me the next day that 
he and the brunette got out of ux cab to- 
gether and went into her bui 

When l asked him about this, te looked 
blank and said he thought we were “just 


friends.” Geez. 

I wanted to blame my own neuroses. It’s 
much easier if it's your fault; then you can 
just go to the shrink, get better and life will 
be wonderful. So I wanted to think Га 
misread the clues, or in some way acted in 
a repellent manner so he had no choice but 
10 hate me. 

But it happens too much to too many 
people. It happens to really nice people 
thout even one self-destructive synapse 
in their brains. They think they're dating. 
when they're only being taken for a stroll. 

We are so modern and sophisticated 
that we no longer have prescribed court- 
ing behavior. No longer do our parents get 
And what are your intentions, 
young man?" No longer do we know that if 
a person calls on Tuesday to ask us out for 


Saturday. his interest is romantic. Without 
the old rules, it is a free-for-all, it is so easy 
to be misled. 


Without these old rules, the door has 
been opened toa whole new arena for hos- 
tility and abuse between the sexes. I think 
aman or a woman who leads you to believe 
that he/she is passionately interested when 
he/she isn't is passive-aggressive in a partic- 


out a way to do really nasty things, and 
then if anybody calls you on it, you can say, 
“Who, me? Why I was only . . ." Passive- 
aggressive means that your behavior caus- 
es other people to make the moves toward 
their own destruction, while you just sit 
back, smoke a joint and watch. Passive ag- 
gression is sneaky, wimpy hatred. In the 
old days, women like that were called 
prick-teasers, I refuse to think up a name 
for the modern male equivalent. 

But some seductive people, I am sure, 
are innocent. Maybe they come from the 
South, where to flirt madly is the same as 
breathing. Maybe they're simply hapless 
and self-absorbed. Maybe they're insecure 
and want to try real hard to make everyone 
in the world love th 

Which is why we must come up with new 
rules. Signals. So we know what to do. 105 
much too scary to ask, “Dinner 
mean you want to sleep with me?” Because 
who could just calmly 
course,” or, even worse, 
need rules to save face. 

Meanwhile, my new rule is to never be- 
lieve that a person is interested until you 
feel his tongue down your throat. 


МЕМ 


[== the summer of 1956 in Europe. 1 
was a college sophomore, it was my first 
time out of the U.S.A. and I had a ball. 1 
rented a car and drove through. France, 
Spain and Italy. Life seemed a continuous 
joy ride. But then things got serious. 

Passing through Munich, I fell in with a 
crowd of East German refugees. They 
were charming and shrewd people, ele- 
gant in their habits and tastes. They also 
had plans for me. At their urging, 1 agreed 
to become an amateur spy and go deep in- 
side East Germany to scc what I could scc. 

Early one Sunday morning, 1 drove up 
to an East German border station. After 
some questioning, I was given a visa. "You 
will go to Berlin,” the East German official 
said. "You may not go off the autobahn, 
you may not take pictures, you may not 
stop. If you do, you will be arrested. 

As you can guess, I did exactly what I 
was told not to do, and I did it immediately: 
Once across the border, I left the autobahn 
and drove into the town of Eisen: 
Degan my ойузэсу dough East 
"There were maybe two dozen Russian divi- 
sions in the country at the time, there were 
any number of East German police and 
counterintelligence agents on patrol and 
there was me, a wiseass kid from Chicago's 
South Side, full of beans and bravado and 
ready to see firsthand what a Communist 
Culture was all about, 

The rubble of war lay everywhere in 
East Germany. and the streets and high- 
ways and farms were often deserted. 
There was poverty, inefficiency, corrup- 
tion, brutality, languor. There was also 
rigid population control. 

I learned this first as I exited Eisenach 
and tried to get back onto the autobahn. 
Getting out of town required passing a 
guard tower built smack in the center of 
the cloverleaf, complete with young sol- 
diers with machine guns. I saw the guard 
tower, knew 1 was illegal as hell and could 
not afford to stop and simply floored the 
accelerator and skidded by it. It was а fool- 
ish but effective tactic, and 1 used it a lot 
that summer. But those guard towers also 
taught me vividly that escape from East 
Germany was not an casy option for most. 

T got to West Berlin safely and decided 
to relax for a few days before I took a dif- 
ferent route out of East Germany toward 
the West. I cruised the night clubs on Ku! 
fürstendamm, enjoyed the cafés and the 
zoo, fclt the keen edge of the Berliners as 
they worked and played. | also visited East 
Berlin several times. This was before the 


By ASA BABER 


A BOOKSTORE 
IN EAST BERLIN 


Wall, and it was not hard to do. 

The contrast between East and West 
Berlin was vivid. East Berlin was impover- 
ished. There were statues of Stalin every- 
where, there were miles of ruins from the 
Allied bombings and Russian shellings of 
World War Two and there was a general air 
of depression and fatigue. But it was in one 
of the state-controlled bookstores near 
st Berlins Stalin Allee that I learned my 
biggest civics lesson. 

The bookstore was huge, antiseptic and 
colorless. Most of the books were bound in 
lentical bindings, and very few browsers 
were in evidence. The selection of titles 
was paltry: Marx was there, Trotsky was 
not. Dickens was there, the plays of Shal 
speare made the shelves, but American 
authors were scarce. Those novels of Stein- 
beck and Faulkner that described Ameri 
can poverty were allowed; most other titles 
were not Clearly, the East German state 
wanted to control the culture and not let in 
radical ideas from outside. 

Even in those days, | yearned to be a 
writer. I realized that if 1 had been born 
and raised in a country like East Germany, 
my chances of publishing and of being 
read would have been . Original ideas, 
contrarian thoughts, unsanctioned sugges- 

ions would not see the light of day under 
that system. It was too dictatorial, too ca- 
ger to promote only one point of view, 100 
propagandistic. In that bookstore, I was 


truly proud—and relieved—to be an 
American. I understood what the Cold 
War was all about, and I appreciated deep- 
ly the freedoms I had taken for granted. 

The trip ош of East Germany was inter- 
esting. There were times when the police 
would walk in the front door of a bar or a 
restaurant and I would run out the back. 
There was a moment in Magdeburg when 
1 was almost shot as | photographed the 
steelworks. And there was a final argu- 
ment at the border that almost got me 
thrown into prison as | tried to change my 
East marks back into West marks. I gave по 
end of shit to the. Communist. border 
guard who was armed and dangerous and 
very much flustered at my anger. 

My anger was not really at him. It was at 
the Fast German state. The image of the 
bookstore would not leave me, and noth- 
ing pissed me off more than a society that 
censorcd and controlled thought. 

Tm still angry about censorship today, 
but only marginally at my Government. 
Sure, Ed Meese and his cronies got Playboy 
taken off the shelves of many stores a few 
years ago, and sure, very few liberals 
protested that. But the Meese commission 
was a blunt instrument. Something much 
more insidious is going o 

Book publishing and television pro- 
graming have become prime examples of 
contemporary thought control. They arc 
sexist (antimale) in the extreme, and they 
guard their territory well. There is no 
equivalent literature or programing to 
tch the feminist expressions of the past 
This is not because men are not 
g and thinking. It is because the 


wri 
agents and editors and power brokers who 
are almost exclusively 


› arguments, no 
male perspective, no contradictions. There 
is no shelf space for writing that questions 
the excesses of feminism. There are no TV 
programs of that nature, cither. What we 
get in this culture is feminist propaganda, 
day in, day out. 

“E wouldn't ever publish Asa Baber,” a 
senior editor at a large publishing house 
said recently. It was the kind of remark I 
have heard often. “I consider him antifem- 
inist,” she said. “We publish some of the 
most famous feminists in America, so why 
would we publish him?” 

Spoken like a true border gui 
Madam Editor, You'd do well in Ber 
East Berlin, that is. 


rd, 


IMPORTED 


[angue ray 
ter ding 


At last,you can give 
perfection i in a vodka. 


Tanqueray Sterling. 


To give Tanqueray Sterling Vodka as a gift, visit your local retailer or call 1-800-243-3787. Void where prohibited. 
Imported Vodka, 40% and 50% Alc/Vol (80° and 100°), 100% Grain Neutral Spirits. © 1989 Schieffelin £ Somerset Co., New York, МУ. 


SPORTS 


A: 1 have to do to find a loon these 
days is walk out my door. Suddenly, 
there he is—another wild-eyed, hysterical 
psychotic who wants to have me arrested 
for “assault with a deadly weapon,” which 
turns out to be my Winston cigarette. 

Question: What did all of these people 
do before they had my cigarettes to give 
their lives meaning? 

A better question: Why aren't they con- 
cerned with more important things, like 
war, taxes, insurance rates, drugs, venereal 
disease, handguns, muggers, the home- 
less, defense contractors, drunk drivers, 
graft, fraud, the N.C.A.A., scum-bag 
politicians, education? 

What about MTV? That's a cause. | say 
if we want a thoroughly brain-dead society 
by the year 9000, let's step up the produc- 
tion of music video 

But no. The wild-cyed loons don't care 
about any of that. Why? Two reasons. One, 
its easier to pick on smokers. Two, theyre 
loons. 

Not long ago, I met my most colorful 
loon of the year. I was in this off-Broadway 
theater lobby during intermission. I want- 
ed a cigarette. I really needed one, because 
Thad just suffered through the first act of a 
play 1 loathed passionately. The play was 
supposed to be a comedy, but the only 
thing funny about it was the fact that 
somebody had wanted to produce it. 

I didnt see any NO SMOKING signs around 
but nevertheless asked the girl behind the 
concession counter if it would be all right 
to smoke in the lobby, or should 1 go out- 
side? 

She said, “Go ahead, smoke.” She even 
pointed out some ashtrays here and there 
and nodded at three or four other people 
who were already smoking. 

Lit up and walked over to stand next to 
a man who was smoking. We began to dis- 
cuss the fact that the only thing that would 
make the play worse would be for Andrew 
Lloyd Webber to put music to it. 

That's when this wild-eyed loon ap- 
proached me. 

“Put that out!" he snarled. 

"Excuse me?” 

“That!” 

He glared at my Winston. Not at the 
cigarette the guy next to me was smoking 
but at my Winston. 

“Put it out!” he yelped. 

Guy in his 40s, Га guess. Crew-neck 
sweater, jeans, sneakers. 


By DAN JENKINS 


STALKING THE 
SMOKING LOON 


“Are you part of the show?” 

It was a serious question. 

“Put that out right now!” the loon 
screeched. 

“When I'm finished,” I said calmly. 

The stranger next to me had no way of 
knowing about the high esteem I hold for 
militant smokers, but he was starting to 
laugh anyhow. 

I should mention here that many of my 
best friends don't smoke, but my smoking 
doesn't bother them, nor does anyone else's 
smoking bother them. They may complain 
bout nouvelle cuisine or Hitler or 
nal-justice system, but not about 
cigarette smoke. 

“Ws OK to smoke in here,” I said to the 
loon. “There are a lot of other people 
smoking” 

1 gestured toward the other smokers. 

"Fm talking to you,” he said, getting 
more fiery-eyed than wild-eyed and start- 
ing to quiver, if not slobber. “I can have you 
arrested for assault with a deadly weapon!” 


J through his 


iughter. 
Turning back to the loon, I said, “Pm 
under a doctor's orders. If I don't smoke, 


ГЇЇ go crazy and kill you." 

I said this knowing full well that I might 
have to remove my partial bridge, take off 
my glasses, slip out of my cashmere sports 
jacket and go outside with the mother- 
fucker. 

1 also said this with the full knowledge 
that my record in fistfights ranks right up 
with Germany's record in world wars. 

Amazing, I was thinking, that the world 
had come to this. For 40 years of my life, 
whenever somebody would tell me my 
cigarette smoke bothered him, I would put 
the cigarette out or go somewhere else to 
smoke. 

It was a good system. Everybody was 
happy and sane. 

But then came all this hysterical legisla- 
tion, Thats why smokers try to fight back 
in their own small ways. 

T thought I was in the process of fighting 
back with words when the loon said, “Give 
me that" 

What he did was, he jerked the cigarette 
out of my mouth and fingers as I was tak- 
inga drag. But in the same move, he some- 
how hit himself in the chest with it and 
knocked the head off. 

He then began swatting at himself, his 
sweater and his jeans and hopping around 
before he finally stomped on the cigarette. 

“Jesus Christ," 1 said, laughing, “I could 
have found you in my own neighborhood. I 
didnt have to come downtown." 

“You have no right t0 poison my air!" the 
loon raged. 

“Pm poisoning your air?” I said with a 
smirk. “What am I, a fucking city bu 

With that, I calmly reached f 
Winston and lit it. 

“You son of a bitch!" the loon snapped. 

1 stepped back from him and said, “Lis- 
ten, if you spit on me one more time, I 
think ГИ have you arrested for trying to 
give me AIDS.” 

“Asshole!” 

The loon then drew himself up, babbled 
і 'oherent and marched ош of 


ther 


“Lucky him," I said to the guy next to 
mc. "Hc gets to miss the second act. 

The saddest thing about all this is that I 
never got a chance to use the Fran Lebo- 
itz line. It was that very funny lady who 
once said, "Smoking is . . . the entire point 
of being an adult.” 


} 
\ | 
| 


Youre more in touch with 
new Trojan Extra Strength. 


Now Trojan brand introduces 
a stronger condom that isn't 
thicker and less sensitive. 


New Trojan Extra Strength condoms 
are made with a whole new latex 
formula developed exclusively by 
{һе makers of Trojan. It makes 
Trojan Extra Strength condoms 
30% stronger but no thicker than 
other Trojan condoms. So Trojan 
sensitivity always comes through. 


Trojan is America's most used, most 
trusted brand of latex condoms for 
helping to prevent pregnancy and 
helping to stop the spread of many 
sexually transmitted diseases. With 
Trojan, you have less concems, so 
you can be more in touch with your 
partner...and that's a great feeling. 
For Trojan extra strength and 
sensitivity, choose new Trojan Extra 
Strength latex condoms. 

`© 1989 Carter-Wallace, Inc. 


1506 Essen oes i] ү 


10 Gages must pa ary ta Duo 


| Redeem al Drug, Food or Mass Merchandiser Outlets. 
Tosca and эниб Сарт ra rir 


DEAS E | | 


108553 22600! || 


Sa 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


WV have always hated to use condoms, be- 
se 


са Iter. roll 


g one down over my 
penis, then having sex, it causes such great 
pain to try to get it off. It invariably rolls 
my pubic hairs up with it and pulls them 
ош. I have come to the belief that onl 
masochists can really enjoy using these їп 
fernal devices. Is there апу solution to the 
problem of pinched hairs? A different 
technique? I am more inclined to forgo sex 
altogether than to put one of these things 
on.—M. M., Richmond, Virgin 

‘Trim the hairs from the shaft of your penis 
with tweezers or vise grips. Or simply keep us- 
ing condoms and let the pinch effect take care 
of them in time. You could use round-poinied 
scissors to cut the condom off at the end of se: 
but you'd have to have very steady hands. Lu- 
bricating the penis before putting the condom 
on may help it slip off, but take care that it 
doesn't happen during intercourse. 


ДА. an ama 


ar photographer, 1 envy the 
results your staff produces each month, е 
pecially with indoor lighting. When I use а 
strobe on my camera, the results are harsh. 
Short of investing thousands of dollar 
studio lighting, can you give me any 
hints?—E O., San Antonio, Texas. 

Our photographers build walls of light in 
the studio, reflecting light off large umbrellas 
or putting several floodlights behind a white 
sheet. The larger the light source, the more 
diffuse and flattering the light. You can try to 
re-create that effect with your tiny strobe in a 
number of ways. If your strobe works off cam- 
era, you can fire it into a small umbrella (sold 
in most camera stores) or an Air-Brella (an 
inflatable vinyl balloon that is reflective on 
half its surface). Less bully are devices that 
diffuse the light or bounce it off reflective sur- 
faces. Omni-Bounce is a small dome that fits 
over the head of the strobe: You aim the strobe 
at the ceiling and the dome diffuses the light 
360 degrees. LumiQuest makes sheets of white 
vinyl that attach to the strobe al а 45-degree 
angle, in effect replacing the ceiling. You don't 
mention what kind of camera and strobe you 
have, bul you may want lo investigate some of 
the newest strobes: You can set some of the au- 
tomated ones, such as the Nikon SB-24, to 
provide fill flash. Instead of overpowering the 
scene, they provide just enough light to bal- 
ance the exposure with the existing light. Visit 
a good photo store during off hours and have 
а salesperson show you these accessories. 
Then find some action, 


What do you think of prenuptial agree- 
ments? I have been secing a woman for 
more than two у id we have 
cussed marriage, She brought up the 
notion of a contract. 1 have to admit that it 
took some of the romance out of the equa- 
tion. Why do we need a piece of paper at 
a time like this?—W. T, Detroit, Michigan 

Marriage is more than emetion: It is à 


business partnership. And each spousc is like- 
ly to bring into the union individual property 
of some value, as well as individual obliga- 
tions (children from a first marriage, etc.). 
Forget the hope chest and dowry—were talk- 
ing stock portfolios, IRA accounts and, т 
some instances, major corporations. In "Love 
and the Law," attorney Gail J. Koff summa- 
ries prenuptial agreements as follows: 
“The . . . reason for the growth of prenuptial 
contracts 15 the many changes in the divorce 
law. Prior to no-fault divorce, community 
property and equitable distribution, the rules 
of divorce were far clearer. Alimony was al- 
most always granted, for instance. But the 
new divorce laws are far more flexible and it's 
uncertain in many instances how the courts 
will rule, As a result, in creating prenuptial 
agreements, people are attempting to formu- 
late the rules of their own marriages and, if it 
comes to it, their own divorces, at least to a 
point. Thus, even though й may not be ro- 
mantic, it is often practical to be clear up 
front, especially in the case of second mar- 
riages or when there is a good deal of proper- 
ty involved. In general, there are two motives 
for making a prenuptial agreement. The first 
is purely financial and made in order to pro- 
tect property that is brought into the mar 
riage. It can also be used to ease relationships 
with each spouses family, protecting heirs, for 
instance. . . . This kind of agreement is nor 
mally used for second marriages where chil- 
dien are involved or for couples who marry 
somewhat later in life and each wishes to pro- 
tect some assets. The second kind of agree- 
ment is primarily issue-oriented [setting 
aside time for holidays, requesting fidelity, 
separate vacations, time off for graduate 
school, etc.]. Sometimes prenuptial agree- 
ments are a combination of the two. One 
might ask why a prenuptial agreement and 
not a will. Simply рш, a will can always be 


changed unilaterally, while a prenuptial 
agreement, signed by both parties, cannot.” 
Koff says that before a court recognizes a 
prenuptial agreement, three conditions must 
be met: “First, they are entered into freely, 
without fraud, duress, coercion or overreach- 
ing; second, there is full disclosure and а full 
understanding of the value and extent of the 
property in question; and third, the terms of 
the agreement are not written to promote di- 
vorce or profiteering by divorce.” In short, it’s 
а legal document that says this is what mar- 
riage means to me, and this is what I bring 
into the marriage. Hef and Kimberley have 
one, and it didn’t spoil the romance. 


М, wife and 1 enjoy oral and anal sex. 
Before we were married, she used to mas- 
turbate using a zucchini in a condom. It 
was a real turn-on for me. Now she asks me 
to do her—great. Also, she read 
something about using headphones and a 
tape recorder for each person to listen to 
the other during oral sex. Can you explain 
how this works? I'd really 1 
more.— J. G., Van Nuys, California. 

Safe sex with vegetables? Whats this world 
coming to? Oh, well. The thing with the 
headphones goes like this: On many personal- 
stereo systems, there is an override. button 
hooked up to а small condenser microphone. 
You push the button to stop the lape and allow 
outside noise to reach your ears through the 
headphones. During oral sex, one partner 
wears the headphones while the other holds 


the stereo unit near the action. The sounds of 


oval sex can be exciting But don't stop there. 
Why not make cassettes of your lovemaking? 
Suspend a mike over the bed and get the en- 
tive sound trach. Then you can play it back on 
those long early-morning commutes. It beats 
books on tape. We know of one person who 
used to record custom scenarios for her lover 
before he lefi on business trips—detailed de- 
scriptions of blow jobs, fantasies of a menage 
à trois or readings from Anais Nin. Imagine: 
Obscene Phone Call in a Briefcase. Их one 
way lo heat up а hotel room and cuts down on 
those long-distance charges. 


ЇЧ good are the indoor antennas that 
claim to boost FM reception? I realize that 
they are more attractive than the T-shaped 
jumble of wire that came with my receiver. 
but are they technologically sound?—]. P. 
Stowe, Vermont. 

Heres a simple test. Go to your local audio- 
phile shop and listen to an FM receiver with 
the antenna disconnected, Count the stations 
you can hear, and if there is a signal-strengih 
indicator, measure the signals of your favorite 
stations. Then hook up a standard dipole and 
repeat. Finally, hook up one of the new in- 
door antennas, count the stations and record 
the strength of your favorites. Most new in- 
door antennas can be shifted from omnidirec- 
tional to directional (improving the reception 


37 


PLAYBOY 


of a specific station). You should find that 
there is a significant improvement (as many 
as double the number of stations), well worth 
the price. Most indoor antennas cost less than 
$100. 


n the November 1988 issue of Playboy, 
you published a leiter from a man who 
said that when he ejaculated, he used to be 
able to “hit the bedpost,” but that he now 
got only a dribble. You indicated that thi 
might be a sign of diabetes and suggested 
that he see a doctor, Is it the change in his 
y that indicates a problem, or is it the 


Lask this because I have never been able 
to hit the bedpost. Usually, semen just 
comes out of the tip of my pen 
ight down. If I am lying on my ba 
mply drips down the side without getting 
any altitude at all. There have been times 
when I have to “milk” my penis to get all of 
the semen out. The quantity of semen I 
ejaculate seems to be adequate. Is this a 
problem, or is it normal?—R. D., Miami, 
Florida. 

At the risk of overstating the obvious, all 
men ejaculate differently. Whats more, an in- 
dividual man ejaculates differently—from 
the amount of cjaculate lo the intensity of or- 
gasm—at different times in his life. Only а 
pronounced and seemingly permanent 
change may be symptomatic of a problem. If 
you've never had difficulty getting an erection 
or reaching ejaculation, you have nothing to 
worry about. Dont worry unnecessarily 
about never having been able lo hal the bed- 
post. While some men do ejaculate with greal 
intensity, ils nol uncommon for them to exag- 
ветше their capabilities. Try firing at point- 
blank range. 


ММ, goal on the golf links this year was 
to hit the ball straight and keep it in play. 
Since I get out only about twice a week, the 
plan was to use fewer clubs better. To ac 
complish this, | put my woods in the base- 
ment and bought a one iron, which did not 
meet with the local pro shop's approval. I 
began hitting the ball much straighter. 1 
knew I was on the right track when, a few 
weeks later, I heard Chi Chi Rodriguez ad- 
vise an all-iron game for most amatei 
The problem that rei is that I have a 
tendency to hit the ball fat or thin while on 
the golf course. It seems that the constant 
adjustment in club lengths is giving me the 
most difficulty. At the practice range, I use 
asingle club and do quite well. Has anyone 
tried using identical shaft lengths on 
ns in the set? Assuming I use a four- 
iron shaft length, the nine iron should hit 
longer and the one iron shorter. The ad- 
vantages would be an identical arc and 
swing place for each club and an identical 
distance of the hands to the ball for each 
shot. What would be the drawbacks?— 
R. C., Feeding Hills, Massachusetts. 

You've hit upon a concept that is now being 
implemented by manufacturers such as Tom- 
ту Armour, whose latest line of golf equip- 
ment should be of interest 10 you. Armour has 


dubbed his 1989 line of golf clubs EQL—for 
equal—as every iron is the same length. 
While a normal three iron is 37% inches or 
38 inches long, the EOL irons have a 37-inch 
shaft all the шау through the set. Thus, al- 
though you'll lose a little distance and some- 
what reduce the arc of the ball, you should be 
able lo hit straighter and with a more con- 
trolled swing. As the bottom line in golf is be- 
ing able to hit straight and keep the ball in 
play, you may find that the increased control 
of these irons is the answer to your golfing 
prayers. 


ve just finished six years of graduate 
school, living in a hovel. Happily, I've 
landed my first job and my starting salary 
is even larger than I thought it would be. 1 
have rented a nice apartment, but I have 
nothing with which to fll it. 1 have been 
told I have no taste. Should | hire a decora- 
tor? If so, how do I go about finding one 
and how much will it cost? —P W, Los An- 
geles, California. 

First of all, they've called designers nou, 
and yes, you should hire one. The problem is 
finding the right one. Designer Previews (a 
firm with offices in New York, Washington, 
D.C., Chicago, Los Angeles and San Francis- 
co—call 800-367-4816) represents about 
300 designers and architects around the 
country. For $100, the firm will put you in 
touch with as many as three designers who 
maich your style, budget and personality. If 
youre starting from scratch, figure on spend- 
ing $10,000 w $13,000 per room. That may 
sound high, but when you consider that that 
includes every lamp, chair, table, rug, and so 
forth, it really їзїї that expensive. We've seen 
our friends make very expensive, very 
hideous mistakes when they venture out into 
the scary world of furniture and furnishings. 
Its best to have some help. 


Wnenever 1 have sex, I end up with the 
sniffles and sneezes. Am | allergic to some- 
thing?—D. E, Dallas, Texas. 

You may be suffering from something called 
honeymoon rhinitis. The same nerves that 
leave wake-up calls to your genitals are on а 
party line with the blood vessels in your nose. 
When you are aroused, the blood gathers in 
your penis and in the erectile tissue in your 
nose. Sexual activity stimulates the mucous 
membranes, which can become blocked. This 
may be why you pant during sex—you are 
breathing through your mouth instead of your 
nose. When you reach orgasm, the effect is ve- 
versed—the blood is pumped out of the nasal 
area. In some people, an orgasm can clear up 
congestion—making a quickie as effective as 
a Comtrex. If the problem is severe, you might 
try using a prescription nasal spray. 


С 


if 1 have con 


ing a doctor, how do I know 
cted a sexually transmitted 


Burroughs Wellcome has sponsored а G.S.E. 
program: You can obtain a free booklet (in 
English or Spanish) detailing the symptoms 


of STDs by writing lo G.S.E, PO. Box 
4088, Woburn, Massachusetts, 01888-4088. 
Нету the short course in. short-arm self-in- 
spection: “Look over the entire head of the 
penis т а clockwise motion. Carefully look 
for any bumps, sores or blisters on the skin. 
Sometimes Ihe bumps or blisters may be red; 
at other times, they may be light-colored. They 
may even look like pimples. Bumps and blis- 
ters sometimes develop into open sores. If you 
see anything that resembles а sore, blister or 
Витр, see your physician. In addition, look 
for warts, Genital warts may look like warts 
that you may have seen on other parts of your 
body. They may first appear as very small 
bumpy spots. Left untreated, they could devel- 
ор a fleshy cauliflowerlike appearance. Some 
warts ате hard to detect with the naked eye. If 
you feel any bumpy growth, no matter how 
slight, have it checked by а physician. Once 
you've examined the head of the penis, move 
down the shaft and look for the same signs or 
symptoms. Then go onto the base. At the base, 
try lo separate your pubic hair with your 
fingers so you can get a good look at the skin 
underneath, After careful examination there, 
move on to the underside of the penis. This 
area is often difficult to see and somelimes 
gets overlooked. It is very important that you 
check this part of your body, You may want to 
use a mirror to be sure that you've seen the en- 
tire underside. The mirror may also be help- 
Jul as you move on to the scrotum. Handling 
each testicle gently, examine the scrotum for 
the same signs or symptoms. Also be alert to 
any lump, swelling or soreness in the testicle. 
Once you've examined your entire genital 
area for redness, sores, bumps and waris, be 
aware of these other symptoms often associat- 
ed with sexually transmitted diseases. S.T.D.s 
may cause burning or pain when you uri- 
nate. Some S.T.D.s cause a drip or discharge 
from the penis. The drip may vary in both col- 
or and consistency; ie., the drip could be 
thick and yellow or it could be watery or very 
slight. lf you notice any of the signs or symp. 

toms described —no matter how slight зе 

your physician.” Our concern about AIDS 

has overshadowed what should be а basic 
caution about sexual health. There are more 
than 25 sexually transmitted diseases that in- 
fect an estimated 13,000,000 Americans a 
year. Some of them have very serious conse- 
quences (infertility among them). There also 
appears to be a link between past exposure to 
S.TD.s and vulnerability to the AIDS virus: 
One theory is that genital lesions offer a por- 
tal of entry for the AIDS virus. Public health 
staris with personal responsibility. Check 
yourself out. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette—avill be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month 


You don't look comfortable 
in that tie. 


1989 Schiofletin & Somerset Co . NY, NY. Cognac Horne: 


Cognac 
Hennessy 


The Spirit of the Civilized Rogue. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


Sometimes we learn from irony. the 
incendiary spark of contrast. Only days 
after tanks rolled into Tiananmen 
Square, a group ol Chinese patriots 
gathered in Washington, D.C., to issue 
a declaration of the principles that 
guided their struggle for freedom. Sim- 
plv stated: “Every indi- 
vidual is born with equal 
nd inalienable human 
rights. The basic right of 
every individual is the 
right to be free, the right 
to plan and live his or her 
own life. This right en 

tails all other rights. 
cluding the rights 


of 


speech, press, assembly, 


association, reli 


secure these rights, indi 
viduals create gover! 
1, to which they give 
only as much power as is 
necessary to secure their 
rights. 

The anthem of ideals 
was identical to those ет- 
braced by our founding 
fathers with one excep- 
tion: the right to privacy 
Nowhere in the Constiti 
jon or, for that matter, in 
the Bill of Rights is the 
word privacy mentioned. 
Yet it was considered an 
ential freedom to the 
Chinese commemorating 
Tiananmen Square. 

Alexander Hamilton 
argued against naming 
any freedom in the Con- 
stitution and the Bill of 
Rights because he feared 
that the Government would come to 
view that listas the sum total ol protect- 
ed rights. Ours would not be, he wrote, 
a Constitution obsessed with “the regu- 
lation of every species of personal and 
private concerns." 

In our most recent history. that omis- 
sion may have cost millions of. Ameri- 
cans their most personal freedom 


E 


THE DEAFENING SILENCE 


the rehnquist court 


couldn't care less about your right to privacy 


When the Supreme Court reconsidered 
Roe vs. Wade, it managed to do so with 
only a passing mention of the right to 
privacy. Justice Harry Blackmun casti- 
gated the majority lor maintaining а 
leafening silence about the constitu- 
tional protections" it would jettison to 


satisfy the pro-life movement. 

The 1973 Roe vs. Wade decision that 
gave women the right to safe, legal 
abortions was one of the last of a series 
of Supreme Court decisions articula 
ing the right of privacy as it pertained 
to sexual intimacy. The language of the 
Court in those decisions was a hymn to 
freedom, echoing the sentiments of 


Justice Louis Brandeis, that the found- 
ing fathers sought to "protect Amer 
cans in their beliefs, their thoughts 
their emotions and their sensations.” lo 
Brandeis, the right of privacy was es- 
айу the right “to be let alone.” 
The sexual revolution of the Sixties 
has been traced to the 
vent of ntibiotics, 
birth control and the 
Beatles. The m 
complishments of that 
generation, however 
would have been impos 
sible without а series ol 
Court decisions that 
shaped the right to priva 
cy In the $ the 
Court struck 
chaic laws that prohibit 
ed the dissemination of 
information on birth 
control, the sale of con 
traccptivcs to singles and, 
ina related area, the pos 
session of erotica in the 
sanctity of one's home. 
In Baird vs, Eisenstadt, 
the Court elaborated 
“H the right of privacy 
means anything, it is 
the right of the individu- 
al, married or single, to 
be free from Govern- 
mental intrusión into. 
matters so fundamental. 
ly affecting a person as 
the decision whether to 
bear or beget a child." 
In the Roe vs, Wade de- 
Justice William 
sted some of 
= = freedoms left unenu- 
merated in the Constitu- 
tion: "First is the autonomous control 
over the development and expression ol 
one's intellect. interests. tastes and per- 
sonality, Second is the freedom of 
choice in the basic decisions of one's life 
respecting marriage, divorce, procre- 
ation, contraception and the education 
and upbringing of children." 
The 1973 decision balanced the right 


эг ac 


41 


of an individual to procreative choice 
against the state's interest in the fetus as 
a form of potential life. It was a careful 
compromise that created a framework. 
of choice. In the first trimester, a woi 

an had the right to terminate a preg- 
nancy after consulting with a physician. 
In the second trimester, the state exer- 
cised its interest in maternal health by 
insisting that the surgery be performed 
in a licensed facility In the third 
trimester, the state, in order to exercise 
an interest in the health of the fetus, 
could prohibit abortion—unless the life 
of the mother was in jeopardy The 
framework was simple and casily un- 
derstood by the 1,589,000 women each 
year who needed safe, legal abortions. 

In contrast, the Rehnquist Court 
chose to ignore the greater issue of pri- 
vacy and attacked instead the concept 
of a trimester framework. It scoffed 
that Roe us. Wade “sought to balance 
once and for all by reference only to the 
calendar the claims of the state to pro- 
tect the fetus as a form of human life 
against the claims of a woman to decide 
for herself whether or not to abort a 
fetus she was carrying.” 

Instead of a simple calendar test, the 
Court supported a new battery of vi- 
ability tests—ultrasound, amniocen 
sis, fetal weight, lung maturity—so that 
the right to decide for oneself became 
the medical equivalent of an IRS form. 
The Court ized the right to priva- 
cy What bureaucrats would kill they 
first bury in red tape. Т 
cive and brooding influence of thc 
state” despi: e Blackmun. 
‘The Court simply stated that the state's 
interest in potential life is compelling. 
throughout pregnancy; so there. Аз 
Blackmun noted: “This “It-is-so-be- 
cause-we-say-so" jurisprudence consti- 
tutes nothing other than an attempted 
exercise of brute force; reason, much 
less persuasion, has no place." 

In China, when the state declared a 
compelling interest in order, tanks 
rolled and the right to privacy died in 
the streets. In the US, it died in the 
Court. Bill Baird, the birth-control ad- 
vocate whose case amplified the 
Supreme Courts privacy initiative of 
the Sixties, thinks that we need a consti- 
tutional amendment protecting the 
right to privacy We live in a society 
where the President is willing to rewrite 

titution to protect a three-col- 

ce of clorh known as the flag. 
Why not something to protect the in 
vidual? 


With the recent rapid deployment of condom vending machines, theres 
а risk that a new generation of creative young males will begin defocing 
them—without appreciating the literary history of rubber-machine 
graffiti. 

The tradition of rubber-machine graffiti began in the Thirties, with the 
invasion of condam machines in the mens rooms of gas stations and road- 
houses. Because the Federal Government restricted the sole of rubbers for 
controceptive purposes, an official warning was stuck on the machines: FOR 
THE PREVENTION OF DISEASE ОМУ. 

Thot warning immediately fell victim ta с low order af graffiti artist. 
Within hours of its installation, every machine in every bar or gas-station 
mens raom had iis sober health message altered— usually with a pock- 
etknife—to read: FOR THE EVENT OF EASE ОМУ. 

The alteration quickly became such a cliché that no authorship was 
claimed; the defacement was merely a duty, the satisfaction deriving en- 
tirely from having found a machine installed (or refurbished) so recently 
that its messoge was still intact. 

Very soon thereafter, o somewhat more sophisticated vandal emerged. 
He had at least a rudimentary understanding of the role sex plays in re- 
production. He may even have recognized the socicsexual-political impli- 
cations of the warning and the fact that it involved an issue state legislators 
could not openly address. (Either that or his girlfriend set him straight.) 
That fellows contribution to rubber-machine graffiti wos to scratch out the 
ward DISEASE and above it print easies! Such was Thirties sex education. 

Buses moved pretty fast, and on them were graffili artists ing to in- 
scribe all sorts of low-rent witticisms: ONE SIZE FITS АШ, KEEP OUT OF REACH OF 
CHILDREN апа FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY were commonplace. Disposable containers 
inspired such lines as NO DEPOSI. NO RETURN and FEDERAL LAW FORBIDS REUSE. 
SAUSAGE WRAPPERS, SHOWER CAP FOR PRICKHEADS, WASTE NOT, WANT NOT, HEAVY-DUTY 
INDUSTHAL MODEL, STEELBETED ALLWEATHER RADIAL ond TESTED TO 1000 254. enjoyed 
their periods in vogue. In later years, SPERM-BANK DEPOSIT ENVELOPE became 
popular, to which someone might have added, FOR AFTERHOURS DEPOST or 
some other strained effort at sexual humor. 

Among such low bids far literary immortality there are, nevertheless, a 
few classics that involve good imagery or cleverness or both. These have 
traveled across the country, then faded into legend before a member of the 
next generation has discovered a surviving specimen ond put it back inta 
circulation. HEAD GASKET FOR A HOT Rob was popular during my youth, and I'm 
beginning to see it again, even though hot rod isnt the popular term it 
once was. 

My favorite is one that was coined in the Fifties and has a timelessness 
‘ond wit that should keep it in circulation farever: DONT BUY THIS GUM, IT TASTES 
UKE RUBBER. 

Last winter, | sow an instance where the faulty memary banks of some 
modern-day graffiti artist caused the breakdown af the folk tradition of 
condom-machine joke-sprecding. At а diner in sauthern Wisconsin, where I 
stopped for lunch, a plagiarist had forgotten just why the joke was so fun- 
ny and had transmitted this version: DONT BUY THIS GUM, IT TASTES UKE SHIT. 

Think how you'd feel if you were the man who had invented that joke 
some 35 years ago—your one claim to immortality—and you learned 
that same jerk was going around southern Wisconsin, maybe the entire 
country, screwing it up. 

Fame, as they say, can be fleeting. 


М E W 


SFR 


O N T 


whats happening in the sexual and social arenas 


COMPUTER GAMES 


мехони Гле binds and the bees 
have a new home—ou a computer disk. A 
University of Hawaii professor developed 
lled “The Baby 


veveducation software, 


Came” and “Romance,” that instructs 
teens un everything fram sexual relations 
and pregnancy to the financial and per 
somal costs of having children. Students 
and teachers who tested the software gave 
it a thumbs up. 


HABEAS FETUS 


JEFFERSON CL IY MISSOURI their rush 
Jo grant full rights to the unbarn, Misson- 
ri la 


makers apparently didnt consider 
the problem of imprisoning pregnant 
women—and thus wrongfully incarcerat- 
ing their fetuses. The lawyer for a preg- 
nant Missouri inmate. filed a Federal 
dust contending that the defendant 
unborn child had been imprisoned with- 
out having been charged wilh а crime. 
Furthermore, the fetus had not been al- 
vd an attorney and had been convicted 
and sentenced without due process 


SEX POLL PULLEO 


aon. ве — The great national 
wx survey may have been dealt a death 
blow by the House Appropriations Com- 
aniltee, Caving m to pressure from the reli- 
gious right, the committee eliminated the 
$ 1,000,000 budgeted for the survey and 


WASH 


ordered the Public Health Service not to 
conduct research on American sexuality, 
Government health officials and private 
groups had hoped that the large-scale sur- 
vey would update or supplant the infor- 
mation published by Dx. Alfred Kinsey in 
1948 and 1953 and provide data needed 
to combat the spread of AIDS. 


A GLIMMER OF HOPE 


WASHINGTON, pc — The Uniled States is 
losing the war on drugs on every front, 
according to Government statistics, but a 
national survey shows that drug educa- 
tion has had results, The use of marijua- 
na, cocaine and other illegal drugs has 
declined sharply and, although the use of 
crack is up, experts believe that crack ad- 
diction ts not as in possible to cure as once 
thought. Researchers now think that crack 
is по more intrinsically addictive than 
other drugs and that the key to breaking 
the crack habil is to remove addicts from 
their environment. 


SIGN IT AND WEEP 


HOUSTON—A $7,500,000 award was 
granted last year to the exwife of a 
wealthy Texan, the jury having decided 
that the prenuptial agreement between the 
husband and the wife was “unfair” and 
that the “intentional infliction of emotion 
al distress" by the husband warranted а 
large settlement. The decision led to a 
flurry of similar suits around the nation, 
However, the state appeals court recently 
overruled that decision, stating that a 
prenuptial agreement doesn't have to be 
fair to be valid and that recognizing 
“emotional distress" in a marriage would. 
bring fault back to no-fault divorce, there- 
by “undermining years uf reform, 


ADVICE 


WASHINGION, DC — Young males are be- 
ing targeted by concerned physicians in 
an ad campaign informing them that 
avoiding pregnancy is their responsibility, 
too. The United States has the highest 
tern-pregnaney rate of any Western in- 
dustrialized nation and the physicians be- 
lieve that educating the "neglected half of 
the problem” will help reduce the "unac- 
ceptable vate.” АЙ major television nel- 
works and cable systems will air the 
commercials. 

SIRINCHELD. ILLINOIS State 


officials 


unveiled an ad campaign written in 
Spanish and English that will attempt to 
curtail the growing problem of alcohol 
and drug abuse among pregnant women 
in impoverished neighborhoods, The ads 
warn about the dangers that substance 
abuse poses to unborn children. 


UNWANTED CHILOREN 


NEW ORLEASS—Û.S. and Czechoslo- 
vakian researchers tracked 440 men and 
women born in Prague between 1961 and 
1963 and found that the children of moth- 
ers who wanted abortions but were denied 
them had more frustration, job dissatisfac- 
tion, conflicts with fellow workers and un- 
happier love lives than children whose 
mothers welcomed the pregnancies. Un- 
wanted children were also more likely to 
have been convicted of crimes. The re- 
searchers suggest that their study illus- 
trates the harm that can be done by 
outlawing abortion. 


BEAT THE CLOCK 


aa Women. are finally gaining 
equal rights to toilets, As of 1991, New 
York and California will require all pub- 
lic buildings to have the same number of 
toilet fixtures in mens and women's 


restrooms. A recent Washington State 
study found that men take an average of 
45 seconds m the bathroom, while women 
take 79 seconds. Now, at least, women 
won't have to waste Gime standing in line 
for the loo. 


43 


“ 


R E 


CALUNG ALL VETS 
The Women in Military Serv- 
ice Memorial Foundation needs 
your help. The foundation has 


been mandated by Congress to 
build the first national memorial 
in Arlington. National Cemetery 


10 honor women who have served 
inthe Armed Forces. The names, 
service records and photographs 
of the 1,600,000 women who have 
served or are presently serving 
will become partof a permanent 
register, which will be located in 
the memor Since the memori- 
al will receive no Government 
Funds, we are requesting a dona- 
tion of $25 to register or sponsor 
а woman Service member. If you 
know of a woman who served ог 
is serving in the military, please 
contact Women in Military Serv- 
ice Memorial, Department 560, 
Washington, D.C. 20042-0560, 
or call 703-533-1155 
Wilma L. Vaught, President 
Women in Military Service 
Me | Foundation 
Brigadier General, US.A.E, 
Retired 
Washington, D.C. 


The Viemam Veterans Ri 
istry is a nonprofit organization 
established to assist Vietnam vet- 
erans in locating the people with 
whom they served. The registry 
a free service to all veterans 
who place their names on file 
with us. It will act as a clearing- 
house for names and addresses: 
no data will be given out or sold. 
We currently have 25,000 Viet- 
nam veterans on file. We need 
your help to expand this 1 
you wish to vegistei 
donation, write to Vietnam Vet- 
erans Registry, РО. Box 430, 
Bridgton, Maine 04009, or call 
207-647-8608. 

Larry Horn, Founder 
Vietnam Veterans Registry 
Bridgton, Maine 


АМ EXERCISE IN 
BUREAUCRATIC BULLSHIT 
In “Top-Secret Classified for 
Eyes Only” (The Playboy 
Forum, September), Playboy mis- 
nterpreis my reason for with- 
drawing the issue of the Naval 
Academy's humor magazine that 


E R 


FOR THE RECORD 


N THE EVE OF 
THE BEHOLDER 


the reverend donald wildmon accuses 
some of america's favorite shows 
of being shameless trash 


What Donald Wildmon says about The Wonder 
Years: “Ш boasts twelve-year-old boys cursing, 
drinking beer and smoking.” 

Emmy nominations for The Wonder Years: 14. 


. 
What Wildmon says about L.A. Law: “L.A. Law 


entered the season on NBC with continued com- 
mitment to bringing new profanity and bizarre 
sexual content to family-time viewing." 

Emmy nominations for L.A. Law: 17. 

. 

What Wildmon says about Cheers: "[One] 
episode of NBCS Cheers was a putrid potpourri of 
perversion—bestiality, child and teen sex, a strip- 
per, a stag party, bondage.” 

Emmy nominations for Cheers: 7. 

. 

What Wildmon says about The Golden Girls: 
“NBC's The Golden Girls . . . continued its open at- 
tack on moral values, marital fidelity, prayer and 
respect for the Christian faith.” 

Emmy nominations for The Golden Girls: 10. 

. 

What Wildmon says about thirtysomething: 
"[One] episode carried a strong pro-abortion state- 
ment and made a crude slap at President Bush.” 

Emmy nominations for thirtysomething: 13. 

° 

What Wildmon says about Lonesome Dove: “Too 
litle dialog was mixed with the hard profanity. . . 7 
Emmy nominations for Lonesome Dove: 18. 


parodied Playboy. My objective 
was not to censor the magazine; 
it was to avoid having a magazine 
that represents the US. Naval 
Academy appear to demean 
women. I felt that a parody based 
on Playboy would be perceived by 
some as demeaning 10 women. 
That is not in keeping with our 
policy nor with the traditions 
of the United States Naval 
Academy. 

Fvery midshipman who choos- 
es to attend the Na Academy 
comes to Annapolis with the goal 
of becoming an officer in the 
naval Service. Theirs is an awe- 
some responsibility. In these dan- 
gerous times, it is clear that many 
of them will be called on to de- 
fend this country Some will 
make the ultimate sacrifice. 1 
firmly believe that every mid- 
shipman—male and female— 
deserves 10 be treated with 
respect and dignity 

A secondar ason for my ac- 
tion was to provide an object 
lesson to the midshipmen. As 
officers, they will be charged 
with the very dificult and deli- 
cate leadership responsibility of 
ensuring that the Navys policy of 
equal opportunity and freedom 
from sexual harassment is en- 
forced. It is important that they 
learn to be sensitive to sexual 
siereotyping and sexual harass- 
ment, real or perceived, 

Censorship was not the issue. 
The Naval Academy as an aca- 
demic institution, preserves the 
right of individuals 10 engage in 
the free expression of ideas. Гат 
not so naive as to think | could, 
in any fashion, control what this 
robust group of 4500 of the na- 
vons best and brightest is ex 
posed to. These very bright 
young people know how to sep- 
arate trash. from truth and 
make arguments for themselves 
against printed opinions. My job 
is to ensure their deep commit 
ment and sensitivity to the goals 
and principles of the US. Navy 
and the US, Naval Academy 

VL. Hill, Jr. 
Rear Adn 
Superintendent, US 
cademy 
Oh, lighten ир. 


al, US. Navy 
Naval 


R E S 


P O 


N S 


TOBACCO ADS 

1 was burned up by "Censoring Tobac- 

co Ads,” by Barry W. Lynn (The Playboy 

Forum. September), It is hard to believe 1 

have a constitutional right to harm others 
with a tobacco addiction 

William С. Fi 

Pittsburgh, 


се 
Pennsylvania 


I usually agree with your edi 
viewpoint, but you've gone too far 
Barry Lynns article. Would your ге; 
to Mike Synars proposed legislation be 
the same if you didnt proht from 
cigaretie advertising? 
Marshall E. Deutsch 
Sudbury, Massachusetts. 
The First Amendment is the First 
Amendment, whether or not we profil by it. 


Lawmakers like Synar are trying to 

turn their opinion into a dangerous law. 
Terry Taylor 
Westminster, California 


Any legislation that would hinder the 
tobacco industry has my support. Any ac- 
tion that may help decrease the number 
of people who light up has my approval. 

Philip M. White 
Flushing, New York. 


I watched television cov- 
crage of a Formula I race 
in Europe recently and 1 
was puzzled to see black 
stripes on the Marlboro- 
and Camel-sponsored 
cars. The announcer ex- 
planed that tobacco ad- 
vertising is banned in 
several European coun- 
tries. I figured that noth- 
ing like that could happen 
in the US. After reading 
Lynn's article, 1 realize | 
was mistaken. 1 don't 
smoke—and ne n 
Washington can convince 


me that tobacco adver 
g will make me start. I 
the boys in the office pass 
Synar’s legislation, well 
need some new Senators 
and Congressmen 


Justin Osterland 
Odessa, 


The proposed legislation. restricting 
tobacco ads reminds me of the ban 
placed on advertising cigarettes on televi 
sion and radio. Now that an entire gener- 


Thanks toanimal 
beableto protest 208 years 


ation has grown up without having seen 
the Marlboro Man in motion on the 
range, doesn't it seem strange that there 
is no appreciable difference in the per- 
centage of young smokers then and now? 


y bed as legislative. 
counsel for the American Civil Liberties 
Union. The A.C.L.U. harms itself by tak- 
ing on such an unpopular issue. 

John Н. Mauldin 

Pueblo West, Colorado 

The A.C.L.U. is not in a popularity con- 

test. It frequenily takes on unpopular cases 
when issues oppose Ihe Constitution. 


VOICES FROM THE FRINGE 
Animal rights is the liberating cause of 
the future. It is unfortunate that Playboy 
demeans the movement (The Playboy Fo- 
rum, September). It is even more unfor- 
tunate for the animals 
Michael Ellis 
Los Angeles, California 


The quotes in September's “For the 
Record” seem to be deliberately lifted 
out of context to make them seem silly, 
Playboy should be on the side of all 


2, an 


not just those on two feet. 
Animal rights warrants serious coverage. 
y Calderwell 
Rockville, Marvland 
The quotes are silly even in context. Ani- 
mal righis—at the expense of human 
rights—is a serious issue. The above is an 
ad for the Foundation for Biomedical Re- 


theyll 
ngr 


pe 
ЖАД? 
en 
grimdreseachlas 

[ree 


к 
бонча 
emye руш 


Feandaion br 
Бопе 


search, 818 Connecticut Avenue 
Suite 303, Washington, D.C. 20006. 


LEAVE ME ALONE 

I've never known First Amendment 
advocates to force anyone to read partic- 
шаг magazines or watch particular tele- 
vision shows. 

I've never known pro-choice advocates 
10 force an anti-abortionist to have an 
abortion, 

Гус never known drug-legalization ad- 
vocates to force anyone to take drugs. 

Туе never known an atheist or an ag- 
nostic to tell a Christian that he will go to 
hell unless he stops believing in God 

Гуе never known a progun advocate to 
force ап antigun advocate to own a gun. 

But I have known procensorship, pro- 
lifers, “Just say no" fanatics, fundamei 
talists and antigun people who think it’s 
just fine to force their beliefs on me. 

John Williamson 
Dallas, Texas 


ENTRAPMENT WARNING 
1 received a letter from a London firm 
that offered to sell video tapes depicting 
children engaging in sexual activity. 1 
threw the letter ош. A 
short time later, 1 received 
a second letter. 1 fell prey 
to my own сип and 
made the mistake of order- 
ing two video tapes. The 
day the tapes were di 
ered, US. Postal agents, 
Federal marshals and local 
police swooped down on 
me, searching my house 
and office and confiscating 
my car. I am not looking 
for sympathy, for I 
very stupid to have or 
dered the tapes. However, 
I would like to tell your 
readers that they, too, 
should beware of entrap- 
ment. Г would never have 
thought of buying that 
kind of material if the 
Postal Service had not sent me the letters. 
In addition, 1 believe that the only mar- 
keter of child pornography in this coun- 
try is the US. Postal Service. It is 
certainly the only source of child por- 
nography I've ever seen. 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


919 


Bys 
e you 


was 


RELIGIOUS 


Gore Vidal once said that the Chris- 
tians who helped found this country 
didn't leave Europe because they were 
being persecuted—they were lacked out 
because they were persecuting every 
body else. 

Ive always dis- 
missed that assess- 
ment, but lately, Im 
beginning to wonder 
There may be no way 
to criticize the Rev- 
erends Donald Wild- 
m Par Robertson 
and Dr. James С. Dob- 
son in the context of 
the First Amendment 
without facing асси- 


um иии! 


mera as 


sations of being "ant 

Christian.” In the Pt 

past few months, шнш! 
since I wrote several 

articles about blue- атат 
nose boycous, Гуе re- muti 


ceived dozens of letters 


and telephone calls; MATI 


and what is amazing — jui 

is the consistent tone 

of the protesters. the ИЧ! 

majority of whom seem 47 iy 

to be members of the 3 

same congregatio Aan 
A small nu nam 

the letters are м 

threatening, profane, KO 

One guy sent porno- finiri 

graphic pictures with 

quotations from the “Hi T+ 

Bible scribbled on gyfun: 

them. Another wrote 

that someday the Linn 

Constitution would 

be abolished and peo. mT 


ple of my kind would 
be exterminated. Still another clipped 
my picture out of the paper and super- 
imposed horns on my head and the body 
of the Devil holding a pitchfork, I've of- 
ten felt like writing to that guy telling 
him that, contrary to rumor, Edo not play 
the lottery every week with number 66 
Most of the mail, however, begins, “AS 
a Christian, 1... 7 Asin, Asa Christian, 
Lam offended by your remarks” or 
Christian, 1 am appalled by your lack of 
sensitivity" or "As a Christian, I pray for 


your soul.” The Christian religion—any 
religion—is irrelevant to the issue, which 
is—like it or not—a secular issue. There's 
п adage in our society: Never discuss 
religion or politics. But what do you do 


RAAT йыл eae апт 
MATIRA TI сулата 
non Dep 


BYTU пага 


TELEVISION 


by MICHAEL He WILLIAMS 


mas veu dba ai avt. 
meats nhat ut Mei. 
«ел cus et mun 
rab rats assai tat 
th chi oat ih ut rune 


MEHTA FUEL 4 Ниле зл үнтү 


шлш и tta tun la trans 


muna ma ruaa Arten быш 


ion is your polit 
what do the rest of us do? 

Separation of church and state is part 
of our Constitution for two reasons: to 
protect religion from the tyranny of g 
ernment and to protect citizens [rom the 
wranny of religion. Interestingly, the 
concept is partly a Christian опе; it has 
Biblical precedent in Jesus’ words: “Ren- 
der therefore unto Caesar the things 
which nd unto God the 
things that are God's.” When the Consti- 


"emma ta 
„т 
Чит 1 


jme ia 
' 
тоц is 
[ 


HELL HATH NO FURY 


tution was written, Baptists, in particular, 


pushed for a sep: f church and 
state, and who could blame them? 
oughout history. governments have 


persecuted religion: 

The First Amend- 
ment, which united 
worried Christians 
and colonial mtellec- 
tuals behind free- 
dom of expression. is 
45 words: “Congress 
shall make no law re- 
specting an establish- 
ment of religion, or 
prohibiting the free 
exercise thereof; or 
abridging the free- 
dom of speech, or of 
the press; or the right 
of the people peace- 
ly to assemble, and 
petition the Gov 
ernment for а redress 
of grievances. 
lightened words. 
every now and 
the amendment 
threatened by ei- 
ther the church or the 


UTE aan 


сим 


“чишу 


пиш 


шанта 


but 
then 


йара (ru: 


Das 


А state. In recent years. 
runas ws the church that 
baa itis Mas done most of 
the threatening—try- 


ing to smudge the line 
between what is Gods 
and what is Caesars 
For some Christians, 
there is no separation 


Камы ar fath and тийе 
LTA I ry—the church and 
the state are onc 
Suar In January, the Ari- 


zoma State Republican 
Party passed a resolution declaring the 
United States a “Christian nation." lis 
drafter, Annetta L. Conant, is a disciple 
of Par Robertson and she encourages her 
followers to support candidates “whe he 
lieve in Christian principles.” Meanwhile: 
Robertson begs for money on his TV 
show by bellowing. “Em doing something 
to get the Gospel out! Im doing some 
thing to tell the truth across America’ 
That “truth,” however, is seldom about 
Jesus—ir's about telling women who've 


w R A Т 


LIKE A CHRISTIAN SCORNED 


had abortions that they're murderers, or 
telling gay men who have AIDS that thev 
are heing punished for immoral behav- 
ior, or telling teenagers who look at 
Playboy ıhat they will turn into Ted 
Bundys. or telling people that the filming 
ol The Last Temptation of Christ was 
n anti-Christian plo. If Robertson’ 
truth” is accepted in this “Christian na- 
tion,” the church and the state will be 
locked in a battle from which no one will 
emerge unscathed. 

I support Rol [$ right to spread 
his secular-religious Gospel (even though 
I think he's abusing his tax-exempt 
status). | support the right of American 
Nazis to march through Skokie. 1 sup- 
port the right of an ex-K.K.K. wizard to 
run for office in Louisiana. And 1 sup- 
port the right of any nut in this land to 
burn the American flag. As Justice 
William |. Brennan, Jr., wrote, "The Gov- 
ernment may not prohibit the expression. 
of an idea simply because society finds 
the idea itself offensive or disagreeable.” 

Offensive and disagreeable are pretty 
fair adjectives to describe what has been 
going on in the most recent attempts to 
meld church and state. Earlier this year, a 
Federally funded art gallery in hing- 
ton, D.C., canceled an exhibit of photos 
by the late Robert Mapplethorpe because 
some Congressmen deemed the work 
"homocrotic" and the gallery didn't want 
two endanger its funding. And Block- 
buster Video, the nations largest video 
chain, refused to carry Martin Scorsese's 


The Last Temptation of Christ in its corpo- 
rate-owned stores because the movie vio- 
lated the “moral values" not only of its 
customers but also of its employees. 

Whats more offensive and disagree- 
able— controversial works by undisputed 
artists, or censorship of them? 

The most chilling example of recent 

censorship is the decision of several ma- 
jor sponsors to blacklist T V shows. Mars, 
Inc.—whose products can rot children’s 
teeth—has 50 shows on its list, including 
The Golden Girls, Knots Landing and 
Мете. And Exxon Corp.—that 
paragon of clean living (except in 
Alaska)—has 30 shows on its list, though 
won't reveal the names. 
The decision to blacklist can't help but 
recall McCarthyism. And Christian 
groups, led by Wildmon and his Ameri- 
can Family Associati have to take 
much of the responsibility for this ugly 
turn of events. Forty years ago, the buzz 
word was communi из anti- 
family. But ntifamily” 
just a fancy way of promoting homo- 
phobia, antifeminism, racism and an 
Semitism? It’s no accident that nearly 
every time the Christian banner is waved 
over secular issues in this century, it's on 
the wrong side—the wrong side of the 
Scopes trial, the wrong side of McCarthy- 
ism, the wrong side of desegregation. 

Please don't tell me that Wildmon and 
Robertson arc using religion in the same 
way the Reverend Martin Luther King, 
Jr., did, because if you don’t see the dif- 
ference between suppressing the work of 


one of America's foremost film makers 
and forcing a racist society to allow mil- 
lions of its citizens to go to the bathroom 
where they please, then I suggest you 
read the First Amendment again. 

Christian activists have started some- 
thing, and it isn't going to end with this 
article or with companies’ blacklists or 
with the election of Quayle to the Presi- 
dency. People who believe in the First 
Amendment are responding. Americans 
for Constitutional Freedom, 500 Fifth 
Avenue, Suite 1406, New York, New York 
10110, recently issued a blistering 31- 
page footnoted history of Wildmon, 
charting his beginnings as a secular ac- 
livist, his rocky alliance with Jerry Fal- 
well, his critical involvement with the 
Meese Commission on Pornography a 
his sobering victories. 

It goes far beyond anything Гус writ- 
ten about Wildmon, for which 1 was ac- 
cused of ridiculing the Christian faith. 
But when Christian leaders join the Re- 
publican Party, promote America as a 
“Christian nation” and try to make be- 
havior they consider immoral illegal, 
they've crossed the line from church to 
state and can no longer claim status as a 
persecuted minority. In a sense, Chris- 
tians have no rights as Christians, except 
the right to worship in peace. But they've 
allowed their peace to be shattered by 
zealots and money-changers and publici- 
ty hounds, and I'm afraid none of us will 
have any rest for a generation. 

There can be no freedom of religion 
unless there is freedom from religion. 


Michael McWilliams is a columnist for 
The Detroit News. 


47 


RELIGIOUS SANCTIMON Y 


DO UNTO THE BIBLE AS YOU WOULD DO UNTO TV 


There were more than 3000 of them 
in 33 states across the country They 
were the monitors for our souls. 

Each night during the spring sweeps 
ratings period, they sat in their dens 
and living rooms, bathed in the eerie 
blue glow of the TV, checking network 
programs for sex, violence, profanity 
and "anti-Christian" content. 

There's Dan on Night Court. lcering 
at Cl ne and making a crass remark 
about “bazoombas.” Check. 

And listen to Sam on Cheers, plan- 
ning another conquest. Check 

The Equalizer just blew away a low- 
life creep. Check. 

Midnight Caller, L.A. Law, Knots 
Landing, Tour of Duty. Check. Check. 
Check. Check. 

These were just a few of the shows 
deemed unacceptable by Christian 
Leaders for Responsible ‘Television 
(CLeaR-TV) a Wheaton, 
based coalition of "more than 


of more than 70 denominations." 

CLeaR-TV chairman Billy Melvin 
told me that after his "army of volui 
teers” monitored programs from April 
27 through May 24, letters were sent to 
the sponsors of "objectionable" pro- 
grams. 

On July 17, Melvin called lor a year's 
boycott of two major companies that re- 
fused to stop sponsoring such shows. 

“Both [companies] were aware of our 
concerns and intentions. We offered 
them a list of shows rated according to 
objectionable content, but they decided 
to ignore us,” Melvin said. 

How exactly did CLeaR-TV come up 
with its list of objectionable shows? Well, 
the volunteer monitors a: 
point for cach incidence of sex, profani- 
ty istian stereotyp- 
ing. A certain number of points—no 
one will say how many—resulted in an 
over-all rating of “unacceptable. 

Of course, such a ratings method is 
highly subjective. Let's say theres a 


rol. A monitor in Denver 
n points for sex, profanity 
while а monitor in 
ing at the same 

ude a point for 


n stereotyping. 


And what about the effect on the mon- 
tors themselves? If The Wonder Years 
and Midnight Caller are really filled 
with dangerous content, wouldnt this 
affect the lady in San Bernardino who 
watches this “trash” night after night? 

I wanted to talk with some of the sol- 

LeaR-TV's army of voh 
s their methods, to see 
a steady diet of car crashes and breast 
jokes had melted their brains and 
warped their morals. But neither 
Melvin nor his associate, veteran cru- 
sader the Reverend De 


There also are passages on adultery 
(Leviticus 18:20), war and mass murder 
(I Kings 10:25) and a strange, dis- 
turbing story about a young girl whe 
asks her father to "let me alone for two 
months, that | may go and wander on 
the mountains and bewail my vi 
my friends and I" (Judges 11:37). 

Both the New and the Old Testament 
feature sex as a recurring theme, as in 
Matthew 95: 1-1 
Wise and Fool 
Song of Solomon, which contains the 
line "Your two breasts are like two 


“ HE BURNED HIS BIBLE BY MISTAKE!” 


was able or willing to put me in touch 
with any of the monitors. 

That's too bad, because I wanted to 
suggest that the monitors expand their 
horizons to include books. 

Using the same approach they use in 
evaluating TV shows—checking off ev- 

mention of anything objectionable 
without regard to the context in which 
itis used—the monitors could probably 
find fault with just about any book. 

The Holy Bible, for example. Oh, 
sure, by the title, you would think this is 
a good book for the entire family, but a 
close examination by the monitors 
would reveal a lurid tale of sex, sin and 
violence. A few examples: 

In the Old Testament, there's a frank 
discussion of nudity (Genesis 3:10), a 
graphic description of one brother 
murdering another (Genesis 4:8) and a 
lurid tale of bigamy (Cenesis 4: 


fawns, twins of a gazelle, which feed 
among the lilies” (4:5). 

Perhaps the kinkiest of all 
Deuteronomy 21:10-14, a tale of “female 
captives.” 

No one under 18 should read the fol- 


nd would take her for your 
wife, then you shall bring her home to 
your house, and she shall shave her 
head and trim her nails.” 

Let's face it, that's a lot more graphic 
than anything on My Two Dads. 

And to think the CLeaR-TV mon- 
itors of our souls have spent so much 
time worrying about a few "damns" ш- 
tered on Tour of Duty and some double- 
entendre jokes on The Golden Gurls, 


Richard Roeper is a columnist for the 
Chicago Sun 


REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION, Doug Marlene, New ork Newsday 


Southern Comlori Company, Liqueur, 40-50% Alc by Volume. Louisville, КҮ © 1988 


A Manhattan 
is more 
delicious 
with a touch 
of Comfort. 


Southern Comfort has a distinctive, appealing flavor. 
It's a drink that makes any other drink taste that much better. 


Comfort Dry Manhattan: 1% oz. of Southern Comfort. # oz. of Dry Vermouth. 
Pour ingredients into glass; stir. Add a twist of lemon. 


WORN Ci 


AA 
o99995999 590909 


THELIGHTES 


VANTAGE © 


ULTRA LIGHTS 


RICH FLAVORULTRA LOW TAR 


RICH TASTE 
AT Va THE TAR 


5 mg. "tar", 0.4 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. „J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


Reporter's Notebook 


SEE JANE RUN 


hitting the promotional circuit, fonda looks fit. its the world thats shabby 


rere were about 250 reporters and pho- 
tographers at the Jane Fonda press confer- 
ence al the Hotel Nikko in Mexico City to 
ask the same questions and get the same 
leg shots. Much as I admire the way Fon- 
da's smile has stayed in place through fre- 
netic appearances in three countries as she 
patiently explains her movies serious mes- 
sage, it hits me: Ги too old for this shit. 

"The Columbia Pictures caravan is here 
to promote Old Gringo—a film about a 
North American journalist caught in the 
fervor of the Mexican Revolution of P, 
cho Villa 75 years ago. 1 cut out to make 
foray past the protective skein of the Latin- 
American wealthy into reality. 

Following a convoy of white garbage 
trucks up the winding outskirts of a huge 
shantytown of the sort woefully typical of 
the major cities of Brazil. Argentina and 
Mexico where Fonda visited, | enter that 
vast world that knows nothing of the 
American Express card 

And, as dusk falls on the garbage dumps 
of Santa Fe, a section of Mexico City where 
the twilight stench and smog meld into 
gray ooze, I find out what the struggle for 
the free world has been all about: who 
makes the garbage and who eats it 

The rambling march of the refuse 
trucks up pitted dirt roads ends at the site 
of the largest garbage dump I have ever 
seen, crawling with people—mostly wom- 
en and children from the adjoining slum— 
using wl the International Monetary 
nd might celebrate as their own initia- 
tive, picking through the freshest garbage 
for home improvement: corrugated tin. 
resalable cardboard and boules and. if 
lucky. the stulf of ing's meal. 

“Hi, my name і k 
er tonight, and our specials are rotted or- 

e sections, rancid pork rinds and 
green, moldy bread. . ..” 

In the car and back to the party. Playboy 
has sent me here to cover Fonda for a long 
piece to run next year, so 1 мау with the 
story—which is about what makes Fonda 
run. But shes not casy to keep up with. 
The lady, as is well known, works ош. Be- 
sides keeping to the schedule of carefully 
arranged press conferences, this energetic 
woman, now past 50, s on jogging 
through the streets, shaking off the cau. 
tions of people such as the mayor of 
Buenos Aires and her movie-company 
handlers. Some call her naive. 

Jogging with Jane Fonda in the streets of 
Brazil, Argentina and Mexico is more than 


opinion By ROBERT SCHEER 


a study of the resiliency of the internation 


bodyguards that 
som requires. These days, to be 
streets, even jogging next to a beautiful 


of the Latin-American economic miracle. 
Remember that acle? Huge growth 
n invest- 


ment and loans 
outposts of mu 
with multilingu: 
French, Spanish and English. The problem 
is that, while it created enormous islands 
of prosperity. it left the vast countryside ex- 
ploited or ignored 

And the result has been not only an ac- 
cumulation of a foreign debt so massive 
that there may never be an escape bat also 
ment of a rural popula 
barrios: а rootless, u 
peasantry drawn by the images of prosper- 
ity on ТУ agribusiness displacement, big 
crop-investment tactics that result in mas- 
sive debt for small farmers, seasonal work- 
ers who travel to the city to pick up extra 
cash after the harvest (and may never 
е) and others att 
good life by selling their sisters and rent- 
ng babies for the purpose of begging. 

The moment of truth, which is now, 
when the debts must be paid and capital 
fees to Zurich and New York, has left a 
legacy of class divisions so for 
many. crime is the only way of life. In 
Brazil the favelas of the poor—dank, nar- 
row corridors through squautervilles—are 
so dangerous that the police will not enter. 
Reporters at the. Fonda. press conference 
thought | was crazy to go to these places. 
even in daylight. When I did so, in the 
company of an armed local, he made me 
pretend I was a deaf mute: He told the 
tough-looking kids who dogged our foot- 
steps that I had something to do with the 
Pope in Rome. h worked, barely: 

Th; vio Paulo, the industrial 
heart of Brazil, that huge country rich in 
virtually every resource, an exporter of 
quality cars and computers and the world's 
eighth strongest capitalist economy. In Sá 
Paulo, a German tourist slow to hand over 
his camera is shot dead at pe 
range by a kid with nothing to lose. Five 
people have been kidnaped this week 
alone- id they were not celebrities. The 
guards in the car following Fond 
submachine guns just like the ones 


splac 


in the rich 


boxes on street corn 
borhoods. 

The rich have even more to protect than 
before. They benefited from astronomical 
inflation rates skimming on all 
those forci; w make the ma- 
jor countries of Latin America net 
porters of capital. The middle dass is fast 
ring into the vast pyramid base of 


eigh- 


It all mocks the movie that Fonda is here 
10 push. Old Gringo, set in the days of the 
Mexican Revolution, recalls the 
struggles of the Latin continent; but the 
Pepsi, IBM and Sony logos glimpsed at ev- 
ery turn on our morning runs аге а re- 
minder that independence has been 
chimera. The executives of the multin: 
tionals and their allies among the native 
rich live surrounded by walls topped by 
broken glass—protectión against the ever- 
present poor so nearby. And it is this bone- 
hing poverty that shows the movie 


Up there in the hills surrounding Rio. 
Buenos Aires and Mexico City, glimpsed as 
one rounds the corner ol a beach casino or 
high-risc luxury hotel, are the people who, 
as a local film critic notes, "can no longer 
be called poor, only miserable.” They cat 
garbage from the hotel bins, collect paper 
nd bottles from the beaches to resell and 
retreat to cavelike cardboard condos with- 
ош electricity or water but with lots of chi 
dren, thanks im part to the Catholic 
Church's opposition to birth control 

“Why dont the photographers take pi 
tures of that?” Fonda wonders aloud. The 
answer 15, 105 old hat. The poor, though 
now have always been 
with us. And the censored press wont pub- 
lish unflattering photos. But they 
American movie stars, and Fonda 
joggingwear 
glamourou 

Nowhere 
where Columbia s 
wonderful party at а haci turned 
restaurant. Just the sort of hacienda seized 
by the peasants back in 1914 and depicted 
in Old Gringo. Only now it is a restaurant 
and the hors d'oeuvres are fabulous. 

1 don't mean to carp. Columbia Pictures 
is doing a good job of promoting a movie 
of limited commercial appeal about the 
distances of every kind between the north 
d the south of this continent. Gregory 
k portrays the writer Ambrose Bierce, 


lowe 
in 
her 


or 


than in Mexico, 
s arranged а 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


You never 
have to focus 
this binocular. 


The new Jason PERMA FOCUS 2000* 
binocular. 

It has no focusing wheel. No focusing 
mechanism. No focusing gimmicks. Just 
look through a pair. The sophisticated 
patented optics and your eyes do the rest. 

A binocular so advanced, it never needs 
focusing”. From Jason, the leader in optics 
for more than 40 years. 

The PERMA FOCUS 2000 line of 
binoculars. You've got to see it to believe it. 
And you сап see it at leading retailers around 
the world. 


e 


SEEING THE WORLD AND BEYOND '" 


US. Patent 4,848,887. 


who—disgusted with his sellout jou 
ism for William Randolph Hearst—de 
cides to die as a hero of the Mexican 
Revolution. In the end, that is arranged, 
but, to judge by the real Mexico of today. 
ry little else of revolutionary scope 
seems to have been accomplished 

The party that emerged from the revo- 
lution-— the PR.I.—is thought to be so cor- 
rupt that the home of one of its most 
famous leaders, ex-president López Por- 
tillo, is a huge, fortified mansion on top of 
a knoll called by the locals “the hill of the 
dog." López, a man I used to admirc for 
his wonderful speeches on the Third 
World crisis and the plight of the poor, is 
the dog on the hill and his armed guards 
poke the barrels of thcir automatic guns at 
my camera when 1 attempt to photograph 
the exqui d massive wrought-iron 
gate to his palace. 

Maybe López earned every cent honest- 
ly but how many Mexicans could have 
been fed for the price of that gate alone? 
And why does а man who wept in his 
farewell address over the plight of the 
poor and asked their forgiveness for his 
ilure now need to be guarded from their 
wrath by so much fircpower? Is it fear of 
the bandidos, the young kids from the 
shantytowns who now roam the city and its 
suburbs, killing for designer sneakers? 

And why not? one thinks, after visiting 
the quarters of the poor. Why not steal or 
trafhe in drugs or harvest the forest rather 
than pick through garbage or starve? 

. 

Irs the end of the trip. The glitz and 
lights of the press conferences have finally 
been overcome, not so much by the normal 
grind of a publicity tour as by the enor- 
mous distance between our world and the 
poverty surrounding it. It makes me want 
to climb on a soapbox, to flail at the obvi- 
ous crime of indifference of the rich and to 
shout out how incvitable it seems, even to a 
visitor, that these high-rise ranchos will 
someday be stormed. What else can bridge 
the distance? 

While waiting for our connection back 
to L.A. in the VIP room at the Mexico City 
airport, Fonda and some of the film folks 
are talking. What has been seen, what is in 
the papers, movie gossip. One local film 
guy mentions Colombia, much in the news, 
and says, “Our distributor there says the 
drug cartel is Colombia. Without drugs, 
everyone starves—so how can you stop it? 

Another mentions the forthcoming trips 
to the Amazon rain forest by groups in- 
cluding Sting and Tom Cruise. “Our guy 
in Brazil hopeless—people living 
there on the margin cant be expected to 
do the right thing for the sake of the 
world’s environment.” 

Fonda, ever naive, smiles brightly and 
says, “If the world’s problems flow from 
poverty, then the world’s rich have to erad- 
icate poverty.” 
ve, huh? 


Roffler has shaped America's hair for over 
а quarter century. A pioneer in pro- 


fessional hair products, 


E L.. Rofller offers a complete 
line cf sham- 
poos, condi- 

- toners and 


styling aids for all your 
haircare needs. Put the Available at Roffler 
muscle of Roflerto work Family Hair Centers 
for you and experience and salons nationwide. 
healthy hair that performs.  1-800-НАВ-САВЕ 


Hair 
Physically 
Fit? 


PLAYBOY’S 


FORMAL 
APPROACH 


sexy, savvy mark harmon and the latest looks in dinner jackets 


COLLECTORS OF TRIVIA will be intrigued to learn that the tuxedo 
made its formal debut a little over 100 years ago at the Tuxedo 


Park Club when an adventuresome bon vivant showed up in a 


short black worsted jack- 
et instead of the common 
tail coat. This same cre- 


ative bold spirit is back in 


fashion, and the anony- 
mous penguin look has 
taken wing as sexy new 
sivlings are being worn 
by more and more men 
lo illustrate, we asked 
Mark Harmon (who was 


named People magazines 


"Sexiest. Man Alive” in 
1986) to show off some of 
the latest striking outfits. 
Since Harmon has just 


beth 


co-starred with E 
Taylor in NBC's steamy 
sizzler Sweet Bird of 
Youth, we figured hed be 
in the mood to trade his 
down-home duds for 
something a bit more up- 
town. Аз is apparent on 
these pages, the dinner 
jacket is no longer limit- 
Subile 


colored stripes and pat- 


ed to basic bl 


terns that have been cou- 
pled with blacksatin 
lapels are а smart alter 


native. And when they re 


fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY TIMOTHY WHITE 


combined with bow ties, cummerbunds and braces in rich jewel 
tones or subtle patterns, the over-all effect is sharp and original, 


А yest or a waisteoat in a rich hue (no bright pinks, please) adds 


pizzazz. Your bow tie. by 
the way, doesn't have to 
be of the same fabric as 
your cummerbund or 
vest, but it should blend 
subtly in color and par 


tern. (Turn to page 2 


for no-fail instruction on 
how to tie a bow tie.) The 
wing is still the collar of 
choice; however, if vou 
opt for a fat collar. be 
sure to pick а bow tie 
thats slightly larger. 
Studs and cull links 
should be subtle yet ele 
gant. And were also 
stuck on the stickpin- 
in-the-lapel-or-tie look 
Harmon and tuxedos 


Thats real harmony! 


Left: Mark Harmon makes 
his formal fashion mark in a 
wool single-breasted tuxedo 
jacket, $1000, six button vest, 
$250, tuxedo pants, $245, for- 
mal shirt, $250, and silk 
short tie, 570, all by Reporter: 
amethyst-and-diamond stick- 
pin, from Fred Leighton, 
Trump Tower, $240; suede 
pumps, from Rick Pallack, 
$130; and cotton dress 
socks, from Peter Elliot, $18. 


55 


1 EOF | 


RICHARD Д0 


Following the numbers: 1. Silk 
Jacquard scarf, from Louis, 
Boston, $395. 2. Vermeil antique 
Dunhill watch lighter, from Chiu- 
Zac Gallery, New York, $1650. 
3. Roman-column 18-kt:gold 
stud set, by Paul Robilotti, about 
$715. 4. ЗИК brocade self-tie 
bow tie, by Savoy, $2150. 5. 
Enamel cigarette case, from Clif 
ford Baron, $3500. 6. Silk 
Jacquard formal shirt with wing 
collar, by Cecilia Metheny, $380. 
7. Onyx, yellow-diamond and 18- 
kt-gold carved rock-crystal cuff 
links, $2200, and studs, $1300, 
both from Asprey, New York. 8. 
Midnight at the Ritz braces, by 
Trafalgar, Ltd., $110. 9. Silk bro- 
cade cummerbund, by Howard 
Behar, $120. 10. Sapphire-and- 
diamond stickpin, from Clifford 
Baron, $2750. 11. Cotton Jacquard 
formal shirt, by Alfred Dunhill of 
London, $110, 12. Silk brocade 
bow tie, by Howard Behar, $30. 
13. Carved lapis-and-diamond 
cuff links and stud set, from Clif- 
ford Baron, $1800. 14. White- 
gold-and-diamond/ruby/onyx 
cuff links in spade, club, heart 
and diamond shapes, from 
Asprey, $13,500. 15. Hamilton 
antique dress watch with 
144-404 case, from Fred 
Leighton, Trump Tower, $2700. 
16. Diamond-and-platinum oval 
cuff-link set, from Clifford Baron, 
54400. 17. Gold-filled antique 
pocket watch and watch chain, 
from Sentimento, about $400. 18. 
Lapis, malachite and 18-kt-gold 
checker-cube pillbox, from As- 
prey, $2995. 19. Silk brocade 
waistcoat, by Mark Christopher 
of Wall Street, $175. Right: Har- 
mon in a black wool double- 
breasted tuxedo, by Hugo Boss, 
about $775; cotton formal shirt, 
from Peter Elliot, $135; white 
cotton piqué bow tie, by Carrot & 
Gibbs, about 533; gold cuff links 
and studs with mother-of-pearl 
insets and diamond corners, by 
ABL Jewelers, 55200 the 
set; pearkand-diamond stick- 
pin, from Fred Leighton, Trump 
Tower, $850; Irish-linen pocket 
square, from Rick Pallack, $10. 


aum 
ee nn 
IATA ACA CIR IEI KOIRIIN 
ААА 


Left: Моге of the Harmon formal 
touch—a multicolored silk Jac- 
quard shadow-striped tuxedo 
jacket with one-button front, sat- 
in shawi collar, ventless back 
and black double-pleated pants, 
by Missoni Uomo, $1295; silk 
tuxedo vest with shaw! collar 
and pearl-button front, $175, and 
cotton wing-collared tuxedo 
shirt. $115, both from Louis. 
Boston; silk bow tie, by Alfred 
Dunhill of London, $40; and 
Venetian-glass cuft-link-and 
stud set with intaglia engrav- 
ings, gold rim and back, by 
Elizabeth Locke Jewels, $1125. 
Right: Hold the phones; heres 
Harmon in a black wool one-but- 
ton single-breasted peaked-sat- 
in-lapel tuxedo with matching 
double-breasted vest and dou- 
ble-pleated tuxedo pants with 
built-in cummerbund, all by Bill 
Kaiserman, $1400; cotton tuxedo 
shirt, by Alfred Dunhill of Lon- 
don, $110; silk Jacquard bow tie, 
by Savoy, $2750; cabochon-sap- 
phire-and-18-Kt-gold cuff links, 
$1700, and stud set, $1050, both 
from Asprey; silk ribbed dress 
socks, Irom Peter Elliot, $45 


Be | 
Fabian = 
cone 
Rr 1971. 


1985. 


BIFF a, 1990. 


E 


You always come back to the basics. m 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CAN D [СЕ BERGEN 


a candid conversation with a woman of many parts—actress, photographer, 
writer, off-key singer—aboul overcoming fame and wealth in beverly hills 


Theres that profile again—those great 
cheekbones, the patrician позе, the sparkling 
smile, On billboards, At bus stops. In adver- 
Lisements in newspapers and magazines. WHO 
SAYS COMEDY 15 NOT PRETTY? runs the ad for 
her TV show—without apologies to Steve 
Martin, who first made this observation 
about comedy. Actually, one of the few things 
that Candice Bergen, at 43, has not been is a 
wild and crazy guy 

Hs поте that the promotions for the TV 
show that has launched Bergen into her latest 
career emphasize the very thing that made 
her, and others, distrust her talent. Can some- 
one be too pretty? She summed it up in her 
memoir, “Knock Wood": “Men seemed to 
want me to be move than I was, and women lo 
want me to be less.” 

Perhaps that’s why Bergens résumé reads 
Like that of а woman proving something: 
model, print and TV journalist, photojour- 
nalist, political activist, movie star, author 
and, most recently, TV star and Emmy win- 
ner for best lead actress in a comedy series. AU 
this in addition to her roles as mother and wife. 

Candy Bergen is everywhere these days be- 
cause of "Murphy Brown," the often hilari- 
ous, sometimes predictable comedy in which she 
plays a journalist on a TV news magazine. 

For a pioneer Beverly Hills brat, it has 
been а strange, circuilous journey back to 
Hollywood. Bergen was born in the cradle of 


“Patrician is a word used about me. But, I 
mean, I'm the daughter of a Swedish ven- 
triloquist! Oh, well, the way people view me, I 
think, has changed dramatically with ‘Mur 
phy Brown.’ People sec how silly I am." 


show business, receiving her earliest nolices 
as the first real child of fabulously popular 
ventriloquist Edgar Bergen—his other child 
being the dummy, Charlie McCarthy. (Her 
brother Kris was born when she was 15.) 

Bergen married Frances Westerman, Can- 
dices mother, 20 years his junior, when she 
was 20. She was a model, the Chesterfield 
girl. Their daughter, Candy, had a charmed 
childhood —(growing up on the laps of family 
friends who included the Jimmy Stewarts, the 
Charlton Hestons, even the Ronald Reagans. 
Her childhood. girlfriends included Liza 
Minnelli and Mia Farrow. Some afternoons 
were spent riding the working miniature 
steam train in Uncle Walt (Disneys) back 
yard. And at Christmas, Santa Claus showed 
up and looked a lot like David Niven. Al the 
familys parties, Fred Astaire danced and Rex 
Harrison sang. 

Growing up in Hollywood was life in the 
fastest of lanes—and Bergen found herself 
overwhelmed by it as she became a teenager 
To get away from Beverly Hills and all that 
glittered, at 14, she asked lo be sent abroad— 
to a Swiss boarding school. She was ordered 
home again ш 15 when her parents discov- 
ered that while in Switzerland, she had 
bleached her һай, started smoking and was 
drinking bloody marys. 

At 18, she enrolled in the University of 
Pennsylvania—mostly because three fourths 


“When you're younger, youre a prisoner of 


heat. You act on impulses. And in a way, I 
think its too bad. In every relationship, you 
give part of yourself away. I would like to 
have dated fewer men.” 


of the student population was male. She mod. 
eled on the side. In 1964, she was the Tawny 
Girl for Revlon. Her perfect teeth and sap- 
phive eyes graced covers of magazines such as 
Vogue and McCalls. 

She was kicked out of college after flunking 
opera and art and, al 19, was cast im her first 
film, “The Group," in which she played a les- 
bian from Vassar and earned her first terrible 
reviews. She wrote about the making of the 
movie for Esquire and showed a stronger tal- 
ent for journalism —and self-deprecation— 
than for acting, 

Inspired by legends such as Dorothea 
Lange and Margaret Bourke-White and en- 
couraged by her friend photographer Mary 
Ellen Mark, Bergen worked as a photojour- 
nalist and then as a writer, contributing to 
magazines including Playboy. She worked as 
a TV journalist on “AM America” and “To- 
day” and even turned down an offer to be 
a correspondent on “60 Minutes.” Her mag- 
azine arlicles—about Charlie Chaplin, a 
Masai witch doctor, Jane Goodall and Oscar 
Levant —were well written, but there was the 
suspicion, which came with being Candice 
Bergen, that the work was а кпомитиет >. 
That, т part, challenged her lo write— 
by herself — "Knock Wood” at 40, published 
in 1984. It received highly respectful reviews 
for its candor, humor and style. 

Since “The Group,” Bergen has acted in 


“My father made me suspicious of beauty, He 
said all the beautiful women he knew ended 
up committing suicide or being failures as 
human beings. He said I should always culti- 
vale everything in spite of it.” 


61 


PLAYBOY 


62 


more than 20 movies—from “The Sand Peb- 
bles” with Steve McQueen, to Claude 
Lelouchs “Live for Life” to her small part (as 
a photographer) in "Gandhi." Her best dra- 
matic performance was undoubtedly in Mike 
Nichols" 1971 “Carnal Knowledge," but that 
was an exception. jor her in those days. Re- 
views for the most part were scathing, 
(Pauline Kael wrote: “Hex only flair is in her 
nostrils.) 

Then she was encouraged to do what she 
had long insisted was in her genes: comedy. 
In “Starting Over” with Burt Reynolds and 
Jill Clayburgh, she first showed the world how 
badly a girl can sing: like Ethel Merman 
after periodontal sur; as one writer de- 
scribed it. She received an Academy Award 
nomination and then followed it up with her 
comic role in “Rich and Famous,” with 
Jacqueline Bisset, which was also praised. 

Her personal life was as dramatic as her 
career. She had adventures with drugs, Sis 
ties and post-Sixties politics (from hanging 
out with the late Huey Newton and Abbie 
Hoffman to campaigning for George 
McGovern) and other political causes. She 
was Rolfed, went through group therapy, was 
arrested in an antiwar sit-in, She had rela- 
tionships with radicals and royalty, with 
movie stars and politicians. 

In 1980, she married Louis Malle. Malle, 
director of “Pretty Bab My Dinner with 
Andre,” “Atlantic City” and other acclaimed. 
movies, travels between their homes in New 
York, France and Los Angeles. Although she 
said that she probably had the maternal in- 
stinets of a cantaloupe, she is now the doting 
mother of Chloe, four. She also spends as 
much time as possible with Malles two other 
children. 

To interview Bergen —herself a journalist 
who now plays a journalist—we sent jour 
пайм and Contributing Editor David Sheff to 
meet her m New York and Paris. His report: 

“In New York, our first sessions were at her 
two-story penthouse apartment overlooking 
Central Park West. The place is comfortable, 
decorated with mementos of her travels to In- 
dia, Africa, the Orient. 

"Bergen wow assorted diamonds and 
hoops т her double-pierced ears, а sil 
bracelet and watch, and she made the coffee 
herself (she drank a mixture of cranberry 
juice and Perrier). Once we relaxed and 
started talking, she appeared more delicate 
than she does on screen, Их by naw a cliché, 
but her wide smile does sometimes distract 
from an impressive command of language, 
rare in movie stars, Her wit is quick and often 
bawdy. When I jumped too quickly m an early 
session lo the subject of some of her juicier ex- 
Моих, she zapped me. “OK, but its like a guy 
trying lo cop a feel. I mean, “Yeah, but can we 
have dinner first?" She had plenty of New 
York stories, She was recently hit by a flower 
truck ("They never even sent flowers"): she 
gave a homeless person 50 cents and he 
sereeched, “You've Candice Bergen! You're 
worth more than thai! He chased her down 
the street. 

“In Paris, | met her in the lounge of the 
Hotel de Crillan near the apartment she 


shares with Louis Malle. She had just come 
from the Louvre (her mother was in town) 
and it was one of those sultry Parisian sum- 
mer days. She was wearing a baseball cap 
and her white T-shirt stuck to her. She was ut- 
terly different from the person I had met in 
New York—far less formal, тоте bubbly 
“Candice had had quite a week. No 
stranger to the glamour set—she has been in- 
vited to everything, even Truman Capoles 
famed black-and-white ball in 1966—she 
had attended a party that impressed even her 
H was the centennial celebration of the Eiffel 
Tower, In her box were the mayor of Paris, 
Jacques Chirac, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, 
Baron and Baroness Guy de Rothschild and 
Malcolm Forbes. She was particularly happy 
al silting near some visibly nervous Parisian 
descendants. of the Bourbon royal family, 
while thousands of choreographed torch-bear- 
ing dancers marched toward them, chanting, 
“Liberté! Liberté! Liberté!" 
“Bul our interview began in а humbler set- 
ting and on a quieter note." 


PLAYBOY: Isnt a TV sitcom an unlikely 
place for Candice Bergen to have landed? 
BERGEN: J never thought 1 would be doing 


a sitcom. 1 even have trouble saying 


"I was perceived 
as—demure. I 
don't think the people 
al the network 
thought I could 
do raunchy.” 


PLAYBOY: Did you share the film comn 
туз widely held attitude that TV 
lowlier, crasser medium? 

BERGEN: Definitely. I never even watched. 
ГУ But now there are all kinds of people 
movies and theater who you would nev- 
er think would admit they watch television 
who are fans of the show. 

PLAYBOY: What. le you cross the line? 
BERGEN: For me, in so many ways, this role 
is the answer to everything I want to do. I 
knew as soon 1 the script of the pi- 
lot. And the show just sparkles at its best. 1 
love not just that Murphy is at the top of 
her profession but that she is, in a very re- 
alistic way, paying the price for it. I know 
as, including television jour- 
alists, and 1 don't know any women in 
that position who haven't paid a very hig! 
price. Of course, were doing a half-hour 
comedy, so the desperation is only hinted 
at, but it is noteworthy that the most mean- 
inglul relationship in Murphy Browns life 
is with her house painter. The only com- 
rd from a lot of women is 
te enough. 
he women who really do what she docs 
are so despondent that the landscape of 


s the 


апу jou 


their personal livesis so bleak. Murphy can 
hardly have a date. 

PLAYBOY: Does it bother you that Murphy's 
wit —olten at the expense of men—caters 
to the stereotype of successful women as 
bitches and ball-busters? 

BERGEN: | don't see her like that. 1 just see 
her as fast and furious and funny. She's the 
funniest when she's looking foolish, bounc- 
ing оН walls, or when she breaks into one 
of her songs. Humiliating yourself is risky. 
PLAYBOY: Has the character infiltrated your 
personality? 

BERGEN: Yeah, 1 suppose it’s brought back 
some of the bravado that 1 abandoned. 
Basically, Im a rather unassuming, quiet 
person unless I get with people I'm com- 
fortable with—then I lunch into my 
Shriner mode. All in all, when you're a 
grownup. you don't get to yell and scream 
and sing like an asshole—it's great to get io 
do that, I used to be an incredible smartass 
and I sort of willed myself to stop doing 
that as much as I could. 1 wasnt as good at 
itas Murphy is. 

PLAYBOY: Murphy Brown practices some 
pretty tough journalism. Do you believe 
that a woman in big-time TV journalism 
has to be as tough as Murphy? 

BERGEN: Гус met some wo 
Murphy look like a cream pull. frankly. 1 
wouldn't want to mention any names, but, 
h, [think TV journalism is still a man's 
profession. Thats what most of the women 
in it claim, notable exceptions to the con- 
trary. It requires dedication and talent but 


nen who make 


also exceptional toughness. 
PLAYBOY: So TV news is not the place for 
nice people? 

BERGEN: There are exceptions. But having 
a strong, distinctive style is a liability. 1 
think it was a liability for Linda Ellerbee, 


for instance, who is much more a proto- 
type for Murphy than almost anyon 
PLAYBOY: Why? 

BERGEN: Because for a woman. its so tough 
already: And almost impossible if you have 
, if you don't play by the 
rules. Murphy was able not to play by the 
rules because she played so well. And that 
became her sort of stock in trade, as it did 
for Ellerbee. But by and large, I think that 
for a woman to really get to a position that 
is almost equal to mens, there is one way to 
be. And, by the way, there are not many 
men of that stature who dont play by the 
rules. You dont see any т les doing 
the the most homogenized 
bunch. And focal news? Forget it! Pd kill 
myself if I had to go out with a guy who did 
that to his hair. It must take some of those 
guys days. Do they sleep with it like that? Is 
it fiberglass? Give me a break. 
PLAYBOY: What does fiberglass hair mean? 
BERGEN: Theyre all clones, for Christs 
sake. So it's not only women. I me: 
dont think Mike Wallace doesn't dye his 
hair? When I visited CBS News with Diane 
Sawyer, behind Dan Rather's desk there 


a strong persona 


news. It's 


you 


3 | agerleld ү, 
Y | ша f 


Parfums Lagerfeld 
MACY*S 


5 DISC мломитс pc LOADING STEM, 


n mm 


The latest development 


incarousel CD changers 
from the people who 


developed them first. 


lorify and accura е mi en, 0 TE om th 
[ou That you can't get too much of a great thing, -(800 gives 
Sony developed the world's first 5-disc corousel CD programming, "Shuffle Play" and our exclusive 
changer and multiplied the stunning advantages of Custom pon that memorizes titles and playback 
digitol sound fivefold. instructions for up to 227 discs. What's more, Sony's 
Now, while others strive to imitate our carousel 'ousel CD changers even play 3-inch discs 
design, Sony introduces a new generation of 5-disc without adapters. And with the fastest disc-to- 
carousel CD changers. Each with the benefits of our disc access time available today, you'll spend 
unsurpassed experience plus the latest advances more time listening fo music and = time 
and refinements in digital technology. waiting for discs to change. 
The Sony CDP-C800 DiscJockey CD changer, That's just the beginning of Sony's complete 
for example, has an 8x oversampling digital fio, line of 5-disc carousel CD changers. Take one for a 
Dual 18-bit Digital-to-Analog converters and Sony's spin. You'll see why our CD changers have the com- 
patented noise shaping circuitry. All of which allows petition going around in circles. 


you to enjoy the full dynamic range that your 
SON Y. 


© Copyright 1969 Som Corporation Апага А reserved Sony, Dilo Coste Fe ard The Lester Dial Au seraderorta of Sor THE LEADERIN DIGITAL AUDIO” 


The latest 
development 


from Sony and 
CBS Records: 


5free CDs. 


Buy any Sony home Disclockey" 5 or 10-disc 
changer between September 1,1989 ond 


December 3,1989 ond receive o pod 
5-inch CD olbum titles from those list 


of four 
below, 


plus о bonus (0-3 featuring top ortists like 
The Bangles, Chicago ond Sode. Just fil in the 
coupon below ond list your preferred pockoge 


choice in order (1 through 6) ond molt with 
mE «f the doted soles receipt for your Sony 


Pockoge A 
Pod Young: wen 
Two Fires 
Loverboy: Wildside 
Various: Ruthless People 
ee 
отбой 
Боз С-З 


Pockoge В 

Bob Dylon: Dor lo Ihe 
[o 

Judas Priest: Romlt 
Понт Н 

Europe: Ou Ol Tis Norii 

Loverboy: Wilkie 

Bonus CD-3 


Pockoge С 

Europe: Ou Ol Ths Wold 

Eorih Wind & Fire: 
achte Wald 

Don Johnson: 
атт 

The Hooters: Ore Woy 


oil his coupon enda 
Sony Free CD Otter 


Package D 

The Hooters: Ove Woy 
Home 

Various: йү; 

Dolly Parton: обон 

Various: Ruhe Pope 


Package E 
Bob James: Lucky Seven 
Various: (I Jara Somplar 


gef 
Gregory Abbott: Sie 
You Dew 
Henry Lee Summer: 
"Wenry lee Sumner 
O. Jones: 610 
Вот Skaggs: Oth Ronds 
Bonus CD-: 


py of your doled soles receipt o 


r, PO. Box 1147, 


Terre Haute, Indiono 27В11 
Ive enclosed o copy ct my doled soles recept lor my 


Sony CD honger: Here ore ту 
бото (Sony reserves ti 


substitute спу росі 


preferences listed 
ht to 


or title bosed 


on supply or ovailobility.] 


бое Pope — 


[o 


| seo Poget — mer | 


= 


(O Conger Model # 


Se 


Doe Purchased. 


Ofer limited o one per household or odeles. A copy of 
your soles receipt must be dated between September], 


o December 3, 1589. 


Joy 3L 190 Void where ph 


NI request ferms must be 
ibited 


он vol nominal Беди! 


Nosto od Howci). 


SONY: 


THE LEADER IN DIGITAL AUDIO" 


е clow 4-6 weeks for delivery 1 


n of hair spray 1 don't know 
if it wi because he has that sort of 
well-mannered hair, but, I mean, just go 
through what Rather goes through: the 
stion of. whether or not to wear а wool 
vest to soften image. I remember him 
wearing that stupid vest in July. Now, mind 
you, І watch Dan Rather. Нез my news- 
man of choice, But the ratings are on every 
one of their desks the first thing every 
morning. What happened to that "Cour- 
age" sign-off that he tried for howe 
many nights? lt was supposed to be this 
daring, distinctive way of signing off at the 
end of the news: “Courage.” It got such 
flak that he was immediately back to, you 
know, “This is Dan Rather. Good night 
It's hair spray, vests and ratings, not indi- 
ташу. [Us not like the women are a Hock 
of sheep and the guys are these mavericks. 
The guys are silher than the women most 
of the time. Half of the correspondents dye 
their hair and have gotten face lifts. It's 
part of the inherent competitiveness 
PLAYEOY: Can you cite exceptions? 
BERGEN: Once in a while, a fluke happens. 


was a huge с 


Thats what happened in Ellerbee's case. 
Um also crazy about Diane Sawyer. I just 
think shes a woman of real intelligence 
and a woman of really great caring and 
honor. And I'm crazy about Ted Koppel. 


I'm a total Koppel loyalist. He's unpreten- 
tious and you feel that he’s totally his own 
person. His hair does that because it has 
no other choice and he dresses that way be- 
he really can't wear those other 
he would look stupid in Armani 
Although he does conform visually to the 
rules, it so happens that there's no 
better television journalist around. 
PLAYBOY: Speaking of attention to good 
looks, the promo for Murphy Brown— 
“Who says comedy is not pretty?”—is ev- 
erywhere. Does the attention to your looks 
embarrass you? 
BERGEN: You really dont see what people 
are fussing about. At least, I never did. All 
you get is the jet stream, but you don't un- 
derstand why. There's a huge reaction and 
it is overwhelming at times. You don't do 
anything to earn it or to justily it 
PLAYBOY: You aren't going to get much sym- 
pathy about how difficult it is. 
BERGEN: Well, my father made me suspi- 
us of it, just by making me aware of the 
pitfalls. He said all the beautiful women he 
knew were unhappy: In fact, he went fur 
ther than that. He said all the beautiful 
women he knew ended up committing sui- 
cide or being miserable, being failures as 
human beings. So he said I should always 
cultivate everything in spite of it. 
PLAYBOY: What's the difference between 
you and the way you're perceived? 
BERGEN: Well, it's hard to break away from 
that image from twenty years ago. but I 
don't think I present myself any longe 
Scandinavian snow queen. Some of it 
unconscious—my looks were intimidating 
to people—but also I was so intimidated by 
people that I really used that fagade as a 
defense. It’s not behavior I'm proud of. I 


don’t take any pride in fending people off, 
and I don't do it anymore. I do lose my pa- 
tience with people and I take on this atti 
tude and I just hate it when I do that. 
PLAYBOY: What brings you to that poin 
BERGEN: I am always getting into fights at 
the supermarket, because the check-out 
clerks can be so rude that 1 get really rude 
back. I always have Chloe in a Snugli and 
here I am, being the devoted mom, and I 
have to take shit from these check-out 
clerks. "Come on, I'm just here, you know, 
buying diapers and formula, trying 10 get 
home with the stuff, and cant you just say 
please and act like human beings?" Then 
they call, like, the manager of the mar- 
ket—“We got somebody with attitude 
here.” And 1 say, “Are you insane? Dont 
you understand? I'm, like, famous for man- 
ners. If you could just say good morn- 
ing. . . ." I just dont need this. Consumer 
crisis. I dont have time for that kind of 
thing. My time is really valuable. I dont 
have time for parties anymore. I don't have 
me for conversation with people who 
don't mean anything to me. I just won't do 
it anymore. I have plenty of time to sit with 
chloe and watch Sesame Street and Fraggle 
Rock—or to be in France with Louis and 
Chloe and garden and make dinner. Any- 
way, [think that image is why people didnt 
believe I could do comedy. Because of my 
persona. I suppose I was aloof. 
PLAYBOY: The word patrician has been 
used a lot 
BERGEN: Patrician is used a lot. But mean, 
I'm the daughter of a Swedish ventrilo- 
quist! Oh, well, the way people view me, 1 
think, has changed dramatically with Mur- 
phy Brown. People sec how silly Lam. 
PLAYBOY: Yet even when you decided you 
wanted the role, the shows creators had 
doubts about casting you, didn't they? 
BERGEN: The people at the network had 
their doubts, which stunned me. I thought 
they would be so thrilled. [Laughs] И was 
quite a humbling experience. 


PLAYBOY: Were they doubtful that you 


could do comed: 
BERGEN: They questioned whether I could 
play Murphys toughness and her dy- 
namism. ] was perceived as—demure. 1 
dont think they thought | could do 
raunchy. I read for them. It was dreadful. I 
was vaguely resentful that I had to read for 
them in the first and it was a terrible 
reading, I was very still. 

PLAYBOY: One executive said “abysmal. 
BERGEN: Quite aptly. It was sort of a rocky 
start, But Diane English, the producer, 
convinced them. By then, I really wanted 
и. It was my dream. When 1 would do Sat- 
urday Night Live, I was always envious of 
the regulars on the show, because they had 
a chance to do ensemble comedy week in 
and week out 

PLAYBOY: Do you improvise on the set of 
Murphy Brown? 

BERGEN: We rarely change a comma. We're 
so respectful of what is written. I don't 
think Гуе asked for changes more than 
twice. Once there was а joke about 


PLAYBOY 


66 


How 


DO YOU SEND 


ONE PHONE CALL 
CAN DO IT ALL 


Anytime, anywhere, to anyone 
ationwide FLORIST ^ 


¿by HADNT, NY. A 


CHANGING 
YOUR ADDRESS? 


Please let us know! Notify us 
at least 8 weeks before you 
move to your new address, 
SO you wont miss any 
copies on your PLAYBOY 
subscription. Heres how: 


Your 24-Hour 


1 On a separate sheet, 
attach your mailing la- 
bel from a recent issue. 
Or print your name and 
address exactly as it 
appears on your label. 


2 Print your new address 
* on the sheet as well. 


Mail to: 


PLAYBOY 


PO. Box 2007 
Harlan, IA 51537-4007 


spinning a hamster to death. I'm an ani- 
mabrights person. I just couldn't say, “I 
spun a hamster to death." 

PLAYBOY: So the Murphy Brown we see is 
created somewhat in your image. 

BERGEN: Yeah. but ther lot about her 
that's different. | envy some of it. I love her 
directness. I'm always somewhat in awe of 
people who are indifferent about what oth- 
er people think. I've never been single- 
minded about a career. I've never had the 
kind of self-confidence Murphy has. She's 
a great force to be around, because she's 
very liberating. | would probably have 
done what Murphy does, only I didnt have 
her stuff. I certainly dabbled at i 
PLAYBOY: What stopped you from being Di- 
ane Sawyer or Linda Fllerbee? 

BERGEN: | w gifted with the kind of 
self-confidence that it takes. Also, I 
couldn't have asked the tough questions. 
PLAYBOY: You've been a journalist in real 
life, you play a journalist on TV and you've 
been interviewed by a lot of journalists. Is 
it better to ask the questions or be asked? 
BERGEN: Much better to ask. I had the 
greatest self-respect when 1 worked as a 
journalist. I loved that people perc 
me as I was instead of as I appeared. I 
stopped being Edgars daughter. I was 
tening to them. | loved focusing on them. It 
was a total relief. 1 disappeared. 

PLAYBOY: What about when you're asked 
the tough questions—are you more recep- 
tive since you've been on the other side? 
BERGEN: I suppose, but I'm always amazed 
at people's ability to ask certain things. Im 
really appalled by some of it—by the jou 
тайыз who buttonhole the bereaved. “How 
do you feel about your sons being splat- 
tered against the wall?” I would never go 
that far. I wouldn't be able to take the 
photographs the great photographers take 
if it meant intruding on someone's grief 
PLAYBOY: As an interviewee, how bad do 
the questions get? 

BERGEN: From ^ 
nd-so7 


Did you have an affair with 
10 questions worded to be in- 
“Miss 


1 by virtue of insi 
Bergen, in th 
palling reviews—actua 
sl „ most degrading reviews of any 
actress in history. How do you feel about 
that?” 1 feel like saying, "Go stuff it 
My main complaint is that there аге just 
some things I don't think we need to hear 
I went to the gynecologist in New York—1 
сап say it now since it was in the New York 
Post. thank you very much. I don't like go- 
ing to the gynecologist. In fact, I put it off 
Tor a couple of years, which you're not sup- 
posed to do, because Um not really thrilled 
to sort of jump into the old stirrups, if you 
know what I mean. And I finally went and 
my reward was that, the t day, in the 
Post, it said that 1 was set 
my gynecologists office 
that I might be pre 
and I thought, | dont need this shit. 
PLAYBOY: Can you complain, alter being on 
the other side of the t 
BERGEN: | did my share of trashing people, 


od knows, because it's really tough to do 
an interesting story without it. But ] think 
there arc plenty of stories to write that are 
moving and that have lots of heart and that 
are sort of profiles in courage. I would 
much rather write those. I dont feel good 
about trashing people. I dont like gossip- 
ing about people. Socially, I'm very dis- 
creet. Geraldo and that kind of journalism 
present something bigger—its sort of 
cannibalizing peoples private lives and it’s 
really out of line, I dont think that people 
ave a right 10 know beyond a certain line. 
Theres something dangerous about 
where journalism has gone, something 
very unhealthy and destructive about it. 
People have become expendable. It's а psy- 
chic violence and it cant be condoned. In- 
stead, it's being fueled. What about the 
children who suffer in the press? Chil- 
dren's lives are destroyed because of it 
The little boy with AIDS in Florida? What 
happens to him? The public appetite is so 
greedy and the press appetite to feed it is 
so greedy and so insensitive. | hate the way 
the press behaves. They're like sharks in a 
feeding frenzy. You know, the camera crew 
at the door of the widowed wile. “How 
does it feel?” I's turning us into ghouls. 
PLAYBOY: Back 10 your journalism career 
You said you didnt have the discipline it 
takes. Do vou know whyz 

BERGEN: | think a lot of it had to do with 
growing up in Beverly Hills. 
PLAYBOY: Ah. The dreaded 1 
rich-girl syndrome. 

BERGEN: I don't think the environment of 
Southern 
plined minds. 1 think if Vd grown up on 
the East Coast, 1 would have been much 
more serious. The fact that there was so 
much available to me—and I didn't have to 
do anything to get it—ended up being a 
tremendous handicap. Is hard to plead a 
case. but I didnt have to learn what I was 
doing. 1 was handed co-starring parts. At 
eteen, I flunked out of college. I was 
ven parts in The Group and The Sand 
Pebbles as rewards for Munking opera and 
art 

PLAYBOY: So vou might have become an op- 
singer. 
BERGEN: | had ambi 


laky-spoiled- 


alifornia forges strong, disci- 


ions to be a photojour- 
nalist. It was something | loved doing. It 
gave me a real sense ol excitement and a 
sense of accomplishment. 1 loved being 
able to indulge my sil 
PLAYBOY: When they kicked you ош of 
school, wa shock 
BERGEN: I was thunderstruck, I couldn't 
believe it. That was in Philadelphia. In Los 
I would have been made dean 
PLAYBOY: Did you re-evaluate yourself? 
BERGEN: There wasn't much time, because 
g this role in The Group. 
was never any self-evaluation until I 
was thirty. 1 kept moving. 

PLAYBOY: Why were you moving? 

BERGEN: | was moving because 1 really 
couldn't sit still with myself. I didn’t like 
coming up against myself, because I didnt 


“When | said vodka 
I meant Denaka.” 


PLAYBOY 


68 


know if there were anybody in there 
PLAYBOY: What changed? 

BERGEN: You eventually have to face facts. E 
was getting parts and getting terrible re 
views. It became unconscionable on every 
level, Then | started becoming at least 
somewhat disciplined. Writing my book, 
Knock Wood, was а 

key step. It was justa 
hateful experience. 
And there was this 
sense of the arro- 


gance of writing a 
memoir at that age. 
It was so unpalat- 
able and so unac- 
ceptable to me that 1 
had to make it selt- 
ellacive. The hard- 
est part was being 
completely honest. 
PLAYBOY: Why did 
you undertake a 
memoir when 
were only forty? 
BERGEN: The su- 
perficial reason was 
to prove to people 
that I was more than 
they thought I was. 
Га written articles 
and nobody ever be- 
lieved I wrote them. 
lt was so insulting. 
The иши 
son, though, 
that the book 
my last grasp at 
pulling it together 
lt was my emotional 
homework. It was 
my last resort at re- 
ordering my priori 
ties. D was very 
mbarrassed by 
what Pd done with 
ll ГА been given. 
ie book was tak- 
ing inventory—the 
way someone at 
А.А. writes a sclf-in. 
ventory 

PLAYBOY: What 
kinds of issues were 
sorted out in the 
process of writing? 
BERGEN: It is what 
helped me come to 
grips with the death 
of my father. 1 just 
couldn't deal with it 
Thad kept it at arm's 
length. And it 
helped me deal with 
the choices of relationships that I'd made. 
PLAYBOY: What did you discover? 

BERGEN: They wer flamboyant 
more glamourous, better reading than 


you 


е 


more 


other women's bad choices, but they were 
no worse than the choices of any other 
woman in that period. 


PLAYBOY: What conclusions did you draw? 


BERGEN: | knew ГА spent those years and I 
couldnt айога to make any more bad 
choices. I knew that I wanted a family 1 
wanted substance. 1 wanted roots. And 1 
dont think it’s any accident that | am one 
of the few happy people 1 know who do 
what I do. I worked rcally hard at it 


QWR. 


water-resistant to 100 feet. she 
Very Swiss. 


The timepiece for the discriminati 
Individual. Cosmopolitan® imprints your 
lifestyle. Indeed, fine jewelry on your wrist. 
Finished in 18K gold. Hers: $640." His: S650." 


“Manufacturer's Suggested retail price. 


PLAYBOY: You wouldn't have been able to 
say that ten years ago? 

BERGEN: I've now been married for almost 
nine years. I was like a lot of people I knew 
who didn't think they were able to sustain a 
long-term relationship. | didn't think | 
would meet anyone I would want to sustain 
a long-term relationship with. And I really 


met virtually everyone. It wasn't as if Vd 
been short-changed and hadn't had op- 
tions. I met virtually every variant of guy. 
from Latin-American guerrilla to Saudi 
sheik. I never met one who I knew would 
go the distance. 

PLAYBOY: Until Louis Malle. When you met 


him, were vou fa- 
miliar with his 
films? 


BERGEN: Some of his 
movies were—are— 
among my favorites 
like Murmur of the 
Heart, which they 
just re-rel 
PLAYBOY: That is 
pretty autobio- 
graphical, isn’t it? 

BERGEN: Most of his 
work is autobio- 
graphical in some 
sense. Murmur of the 
Hearl is autobio- 
graphical up to the 
point of incest. 
Louis had a heart 


sed. 


murmur and his 
mother took him to 
a spa for treatment. 
He was really pulled 
off a whore at the 
worst moment his 
first. time out, just 
like the little boy in 
the film. E love all 
his films. My Dinner 
with Andre, The 
Lovers, which I saw 
when I was in col 
lege. ГЇЇ never forget 
secing the very 
scandalous scene 
when Jeanne Mo- 
reau is lying on top 
of him either in bed 
or in the bath and 
then she slides out of 
the frame. Wheres 
going? Au the 
time, I think there 
was some sort of 
court case in Ameri- 
whether it 
could be released or 


ca over 


not. And there was a 
court case concern- 
ing Pretty Baby 

PLAYBOY: In which 
Brooke Shields 
played a child pro 
titute at only twelve 
years old. Do you 
think that was c 


ploitation? 

BERGEN: You'd have to review that with 
Louis. E didn’t like it as much as some of his 
other films, but I thought it was а real feast 
on a certain level. 

PLAYBOY: Malle happens to be a very suc- 
ench film maker, Could Mr. Right 
па Sherman Oaks accountant? 


cessful 
have be 


es have to 
eor at 


BERGEN: Well, vou know. there de 
be some kind of shared experiei 
least enough difference of experience to 
ke it work. 

PLAYBOY: А lot of women probably dont 
want to hear that it took finding Mr. Right 
10 make your lile complete. 

BERGEN: What can I tell you? I really resent 
being confined. politically as to what has 
made me happy. 1 just find it unacceptable. 
ding me was also what it took to make 
d. happy. It just happens that 
d it's politically unfashion- 
¢ to admit that the two happiest 
day y life were the day 1 got married. 
and the day that Chloe was Боги. They 
were the purest joy and deepest sense of 
contentment that I have ever known. And 
since, ın the уе 
following, with 
Chloe, Ive never 
known anything like 
i. Murphy has по 
amily There's a re- 
ality to her li 


1 was almost hı 
dont know that | 
could have played 
this part if I werent 
ied and didn't 
а child. li 
would have been too 
painful for me. Be- 
cause lor me, my 
nily is what has 
rounded my life. It 
happens to be that 
I'm saying this as a 
woman, but my hus- 
band has said the 


same thing. We 
found each other 
both of us, ata point 
where we really 
wed each other 
from lives that were 
unlulfilling. 


PLAYBOY: Is this un- 
expected for vou? 


BERGEN: 1 always 
knew thar ıhis was 
what I wanted. I re- 


member now that Т 
showed Snow White 
for my twenty-hrst-birthday party. It's sort 
of a telling choice. Even then, what mat 
tered to me was that someday my prince 
would come. Now, 1 happen to be happily 
married for ni years, so it may not have 
served me so badly. But for women of my 
generation, it was all about the guy on the 
white horse. It ties up a lot of time 
PLAYBOY: Bui il seems as il you lou 
tooth and nail. 

BERGEN: | got caught up in the polities and 
the Zeitgeist of the Sixties and Seventies as 
I was incredibly vehe- 


much as anyone 
ment about not wanting 10 get. married 
1 not wanting to have a family. but 


frankly, I was selling myself a bill of goods 
that E really didn’t want to buy. My life wa 


shaped by those Filties black-and-white sit- 
1 loved Harrier Nelson and June 
That's the kind of mom that 1 was 
conditioned to be. But I also loved Brenda 
Starr. I wanted to be what the guys were 
As 1 grew up, I didnt have any women 
friends. АЙ my friends were guys and they 
were guys who were very powerful and 
very accomplished. It was a confusing mix 
So it may be unfashionable and it may be 
unpolitical, but there's a reality of women's 
lives out there. At le ¢. I really lived 
my life like a man. I was p a world of 
women who considered women the weaker 
self [rom 


coms. 


sex and 1 wanted 10 distance 
them as much as possible. 
PLAYBOY: Why did you identify 
ongly with the men around you and not 


nore 


iccumb to the Harriet Nelson wile-and: 
ther role? 

BERGEN: My father had the attitude, “De 
get married (oo young, don't tie yourself 
down." Im sure that had a lor 10 do with it. 
But more, ! perceived in women the desire 
do little more than shop and have lunch. 
I didit want to have anything to do with 
thal. The women around me were not 
women who were accomplishing anything 
of substance or who were saving anything 
of significance. The men were; so it was my 
fantasy to have a life that was somehow a 
life with a man’s options 

PLAYBOY: You seem to have gotten both. 
BERGEN: In a roundabout way 1 agonized 
about the decisions as they were happen 


ing. but when I look back on my life, 1 had 
adventures that I cant even believe. They 
make great bedtime stories for Chloe. 
PLAYBOY: Would you tell her that after 
those adventures, you were content to be a 
wife and mother? 
BERGEN: While I loved being home and not 
working, 1 think my husband was right 
when he said it was making me crazier 
than I realized. Га worked at something 
s I was fourteen or fifteen years old. It 
wasn't backbreaking labor, but I had sup- 
ported myself from an early age, Fd a 
ways been doing something. Then Ex 
home with Chloe and, you know, 1 was ex 
hausted and I had help, but the amount of 
time it takes to become invisible is breath- 
taking. 1 mean, people just peel off. I was 
experiencing it as 
Candice Bergen and 
thinking, What is it 
like if you dont have 
some celebrity and 
you go to these gi 
erings and you're 
not doing anything 
other than raising a 
Id? Even some of 
women would 
get this expression 
on their faces and 
flee—all except. for 
other parents. We 
would, like, huddle 
in a corne: 
o it was really 
fate for me that the 
ТУ show came 
along when it did. I 
never thought I'd 
have a chance to do 
d of thing 
And by the 
жау, all the time I 
talk about how im- 
portant my family is 
to me, I think its al- 
so important to say 
that for some wom- 
en, it doesnt matt 
When I wasnt mar 
ried and didnt yet 
have a child, 1 really 
resented that 1 was 
often de to feel 
like the great defecto because I wasn't n 
ried or a mother. 1 sce life 
state of jeopardy. I have a lot of friends 
who are deeply unhappy, who dont have 
relationships or who dont have fulfilling 
jobs. You have to make time for both. I 
Hollywood, is particularly difficult it 
doesi’t foster longevity in relationships. 
PLAYBOY: Why doesnt it? 
BERGEN: Because this industry indulges a 
ad a lot of narcissism in 
people. It’s easy to lose sight of what's im- 
portant. Appearance is all that matters. 
You put on your various faces until you 
dont know how to do anything else. It's 
difficult when you do films. It doesn't help 
to play love scenes with people. 


The lines 


69 


PLAYBOY 


That's why there's new MAGNUM, a larger size condom from the maker of 


TROJAN” brand condoms. It's for men 
who find regular condoms uncomfortable. 
So we made Magnum larger than standard 
latex condoms. Less restrictive. Tapered at 
the base to help stay in place. And lubri- 
cated. For the comfort you want and to help 
to provide the protection you're looking for 
in a condom, choose the right fit for you. 
Try new Magnum. 


Mail in for MAGNUM" 
FREE SAMPLE! 


To get your free sample of Magnum anda 
50€ coupon good on your next purchase 
ot Magnum, fill out this certificate and 
mail to: 


Magnum Free Sample Offer 
Р.О. Box 6155 Address 


Name 


Douglas, Arizona 85655-6155 
City 


of reality get blurred. l've been on a lot of 
locations, and it's just bizarre beyond all 
belief. Every rule of normal conduct is sus. 
pended. People can become unrecogniz- 
able when theyre cut off from their 
normal worlds, They just go nuts 

PLAYBOY: For you, playing love scenes was 
more bizarre than romantic, wasn't it? 
BERGEN: Yeah. Suddenly, vou wind up in 
bed with a guy on top of you you wouldn't 


want to share a cab with. You're there for 
half the day with people looking on. Most 
people weren't bothered by it the way | 
was. | wasn’t bothered by it if it was with 
somebody I liked and was attracted to— 
and even then, it was a little bizarre 

In a scene of a film 1 did with Lina Wert 
muller, 1 was being seduced in the back of 
а саг by Giancarlo Giannini. She wanted to 
show a tit. So they were trying to light the 
tit. I was holding it for the camera. It all be 
came about this disembodied tit. Fverv- 
body was around looking at the tit! Very 
strange 

When I did Soldier Blue, they had to take 
а mold of my tits to make them bigger 
They made rubberized ones to glue over 
them, because my character was supposed 
to be very busty. To be twenty-three and to 
have some guy rubbing petroleum jelly on 
your tits so he can clomp plaster on them 
to make a mold—so unreal. But 1 refused 
to have surgery ГА like to have tits as much 
as the next person, but I just felt that there 
were politics and principles involved 
PLAYBOY: Anyway you were making a more 
general ройи about what happens tu peo- 
ple making movies away from home—— 
BERGEN: You cant believe what it’s like on 
location! A spell gets cast. People think 
they are in love because this intense bond 
happens. A million couplings that are 
seemingly forever—and then they're all 
undone three months later. Its all set up to 
foster infidelity 
PLAYBOY: Which you know from experi- 
ence? 
BERGEN: Which I know from experience 
and from witnessing it. Part ol itis seeking 


something to hold on to because you're a 
stranger in a strange land. You find your 
self in places that are so alienating—For 
тоха, when 1 was nineteen, for four 
months, filming The Sand Pebbles. 1 
couldn't leave my room. I think 1 put on 
forty pounds. I started smoking, 

Years later, I was on another location in 
New Mexico for Bite the Bullet, where we 
were confined to this very fancy dude 
ranch in the middle of nowhere. Rich Tex- 
ans came to shoot moose—theyd put 
straw out for them and then plug them 
while we were having supper. One actor 
had a breakdown. We finally found where 
he had been walking in a circle until he'd 
worna path a foot deep. Another man had 
a heart attack and was taken oll in an am- 
hook 


bulance. Some of the women playir 
ers started to live the part. People 
go nuts. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you described the Hollywood 
you grew up in as a place where you were 


Ош good oriy in USA, This cercate may not be mechanically 


reproduced. Limit опо sample por ramo and address. Void where 
Prohibited by law. Allow 6-8 weeks lor delivery Oller expres 10/31/90, 


MAGNUM? A new larger size condom from the maker of Trojan.” 
©1989 Carter Wallace. Inc 


iterally 


Dr 


WANG CHUNG uses 
темите Boro Cael О 


EU 
p E 


PHIL COLAS COSI 


"The Living Years 


MIDLER 
een 


ЧУМ АГЕН 


TWIN Double the music 
SETS Count as ona 


cater T 


WOKASREY — 00057 
AS 3 


COMPACT 
DISCS, 
CASSETTES OR 
RECORDS 


for the 


price of 


...with nothing 
mi re to buy ever! 


PLUS 2 MORE FREE CDs 


‘AS A BONUS FOR CO MEMBERS! 


TESLA E 
AA 
[um] 

А9 


00111 


Start with Д compari dises. ea dises, gata 
n Ronson 
Buy just | smash titin one years ime. 


r —— кєчє coupon roam 2 


Mail to: BMG Music Service. 1 
РО. Вох 91001 
Indianapolis, IN 4621 | 


YES, pease accept my members inthe BMG Music | 
Serieand sed me he run aburs ve indcle he. 
‘iting tor ust зпррло and handling under he termal 1 
фай. end buy sil regar Ob ике dung | 
‘next yeat—after which canchoose aFREEalbum. And. d have 
ceded of conpad discs hee, | can chocse Zmore COs Fee | 
Thats 8 COs er tapes or records for e price o, то nore o buy eve? | 


JETHRO TULL 


фар ван 


[Shipping & tending is added to cach hgmert. 


| Ө SEND MY SELECTIONS ON (check one ony) 
| __Gcomprcroıscs** (2 CASSETTES _ ( RECORDS" р 


[ud 


go nl osas < 


HERE'S HOW YOU SAVE! 


Start Now With 4 Compact Discs, Cas- 
Settes Or Records! You need buy just 1 more 
hit at regular Club prices (usually 88.98-89.08 
for tapesor records, $14.98-$15.98 for CDs) 
anc take up to one year to do it. Then you can 
choose another album FREE! That's 6 smash 
hits for the price of 1 and theres. 
fo buy ever! And there's more! 
compact discs, you can choose 2 additional 
CDs FREE, right after paying shipping/han- 
dling on your introductory hits. 


No Further Obligation Whatscever! You buy 
what youwant.. when you vantit. Its all upto you! 


Exciting “Members-Only” Benefits! You'll 
receive the Clubs exclusive magazine about 
every three weeks. It will feature the Main 
Selection in your favorite music category, plus 
hundreds of other hits—many at bargan prices. 
їп ай, you'll have 19 convenient, shop-al-home 


мє 372k BMC Muse Server. 6550 E ЗО SI. ndaragohs IN 452191194 
Tractmans use Ine M ate lhe property Ө varous aca омго. 


opportunities a year. Send no money when you 
order... we'll Ый you later. (A shipping handling 
charge is added to each shipment.) 


Its Easy To Get Your Favorito Hits! If you 
want the Main Selection, do nothing. It will be 
sentio you automatically. If you want other hits 
or none, just say so on the card always pro- 
vided by the date specified. You'll always have 
atleast 10 days to decide. But if you don't, you 
may return your Main Selection al our ex- 
pense. Cancel your membership by writing to 
us whenever you wish upon completing your 
enrollment agreement. Or remain a member 
and keep on saving! 

FREE 10-Day Trial! Listen lo your 4 introduc- 
tory hits for a full 10 days. If rot satisfied, return 
them without obligation. 
You risk nothing. 


"Selections marked (+) not available on Record. 


1 © Iam mostinterested inthe folowing typeot music—but! | 
‘am always free to choose from any category (check one oniy). | 


1 EASY LISTENING (Instrumentals/vocal Moods) — 2C COUNTRY 1 
30 HARD ROCK 4С POP/SOFTROCK 5 С) CLASSICAL 


© RUSH ME THESE HITS NOW 
(indicate by number) 


Miss fran кы 


| 

| 

| 

| 

wmm rum | 

= =— | 
| 

| 

| 


State Zip. 


lo Have you tought anything by mail in. 
last6montis Г увы [never 


| oct tn art etos 

| Gab Foii membership ets llos win he 1 
Samne 10-day. to-congatonpivege Scectuns me | el 
Fark e] a dale on Reto ый 


Meere rene U BA om банти ع‎ за deter 
mole бє ember ry oci ut any we Bese 


س س س ا ت ت سا ناا س سے س س س 


1 


PLAYBOY 


72 


at least exposed to some models of honor- 
able behavio 
BERGEN: Well, 


's very different now. Holly- 


wood is not necessarily about good behav- 
ior now. Theres a greater emphasis on 
à much 


affluence now. It seems that it wa 
more gracious time then. 
PLAYBOY: Could that be a cli 
cized view? 

BERGEN: No. li was very different then 
pecially my parents’ crowd. The 
Stewarts and the Ronald Colemans and the 
Randy Scous and Ray Milland, There was 


think it was as competitive as it is now. 
Money is supremely important; money is 
the real caste divider now—as opposed to 
t think Hollywood has been 
vulgarized, mostly by television, which vul- 
garizes everything. It shoots to the lowest 
non denominator and makes amounts 
of money that are in some beyond 
calculation. It rewards mec 
PLAYBOY: Was it as a rcaction against Holly- 
wood that you went into journalism? 

BERGEN: | think it was justa direct 
experiences that Г wanted to ha 
just fell in love with the heroes of photo- 
journalism. It was really the first time that 
1 forgot everything else that 1 was doing. 1 
was totally involved. As soon as I got 
kicked out of college, when I did The Sand 
Pebbles, 1 took my cameras and pho- 
tographed everything. 1 found that it was 
great way of disappearing and getting to 
Know other people. You sort of crawl into 
the shutter box and see «леу 


сех LO 


n ostrich—you forget that the rest of 
sticking out there, because you're in 
PLAYBOY: OF course, you also had experi- 
ence on the other side of the camera— 
modeling. How did you reconcile that with 


BERGEN: [t was just the easiest money. Well, 
it wasn't that easy, because, really, it was 
very tough to hang on to any self-respect 
doing it, but some of it was fun, and I met 
¢ nice people. But it just further re- 
duces you to elements that you should be 
getting away from. You really become not 
even a talking head. It just reduces you to 
nothing more than a frame: 

PLAYBOY: How do you fccl when you sec 
those old Vogue cover 
BERGEN: When I sce those pictures now, it's 
| out-of-body experience. Much lati 
when I was doing Rich and Famous, look- 
ing through Vogue to rescarch really dopey 
women in the Seventies, since I was trying 
10 look like the worst kind of fashion vic- 
tim, the person I kept coming acre 
often, the person with more 
nyone else, was always me. I ended 
tirizing myself with those pineapple 
dos and false eyelashes. 
PLAYBOY: When you were worl 
journalist, did people take you s 
was there a suspicion that you were 
cland actress dabbling in j i 
BERGEN: The latter, and quite under 
ably. When I had access to Charlie Chap- 


lin, | had it purely friend. of 
mine had brought Chaplin to America. He 
shouldered the other competition aside 10 
get me exclusive access to Chaplin for Life. 
It was sane position to be in. 1 felt 
hated because | was given the job only 
se I was a movie star and I was well- 
connected. The pressure was unbeliev- 
able, because I knew that the assignment 
was totally unmerited. I knew I was in- 
credibly resented by the press, as well 1 
should have been. 
PLAYBOY: You said you got the assignm 
because of your connections. Did vou pull 
it of 
BERGEN: In the end, I did a nice cover of 
him and I got some very nice black-and- 
white photographs and they used the piece 
I wrote, so Г held up my side of the bar- 
gain. If Га folded, it would ha 
been unforgivable. As sel-ett: 
about it, Гиз utterly confident about every 
story | ever wrote. Although self-effac 
ness was my strong suit, 1 had two arcas of 
confidence—my writing, the journalism 
that Fd done, and some suspicion that 1 
could play comedy. 
PLAYBOY: Did you always know you could 
ас? 
BERGEN: lt was just assumed. When I look 
back at my first movies, I think that there 
was a quality, but that if I had been more 
serious and more professional, more inter- 
ested and less frightened, I could have 
been much better. Some of them, like The 
Sand Pebbles and The 
good movies. There w 
were good movies 
had been better. I wish Га been better in 
The Wind and the Lion, which is a movie 1 
love. Гуе always regretted not being up to 
par in it, because everything about it was 
rate. And then there were other 
n which I was just wooden and to- 
tally lost. I wasnt really in control or con- 
scious of my work until Starting Over and 
Rich and Famous. 
PLAYBOY: How about a favorite of the Six- 
ties generation—Carnal Knowledge? 
BERGEN: [t was just a perfect pie 
nd Mile [Nichols] 
It was beautifully shot. 
Jack [Nicholson], of course, is a great actor 
10 work with, 
PLAYBOY: And most crities thought you 
held your own among some real hea 
weights in that movie. 
BERGEN: | held my own there because it 
was 100 good to fail in. Everything around 
me was so good that 1 just followed instead 
of fought. In most of my mo 
resistant and so sell-de 
Knowledge, though, was different; and I 
don't think it was given its due. It was so 
threatening to people, to women because it 
was so honest about how men were and to 
men for the same reason. It was even chill- 
ing to the men who made it. The tag scene, 
in which Jack has Rita Moreno talk him 
nto his hard-on, to seduce him out of his 
impotence, and his abuse of the Ann-Mar- 
gret character, were just brutal. The Jack 


Nicholson-Ann-Margret relationship was 
izing to witness for a lot of men and 
. And for women, my character was 
hard to see: She was a woman of real inte 
ence and abilities who completely relin- 
quished them, abandoned them without a 
light and just gave in to a marriage, a sei 
tence of imprisonment in a marriage that 
turned to stone. E love that and I loved 
Rich and Famous. Somebody finally gave 
me a real comedy role, which is what Га 
been dying for. 
PLAYBOY: Did comedy have more 
you because making people laugh was so 
important to your father? 
BERGEN: Yeah, 105 what we made. Comedy 
was my father's product. Other people's fa- 
thers were in textiles or software. My fa- 
ther was in comedy. 
PLAYBOY: Is comedy genetic? 
BERGEN: [ think some of it's genetic and 
оте of it is rewarded. 
PLAYBOY: Your chiklhood was obviously 
different from most kids! When did vou 
become aware of the difference? 
BERGEN: What comes through the 
strongest is having a father who seemed to 
be perceived as extraordinary. Somehow, 
he was set apart. Virtually all of the chil- 
dren I knew had fathers or mothers who in 
some way were celebrated for one thing or 
another. 105 perfectly normal in context, 
but when you venture out of that world, it’s 
disorienting. It gives you a really inflated 
id. vulgar sense of entitlement. 
PLAYBOY: The oddest side to your child. 
hood was your second brother, the wooden 
one. You've talked a lot about that bizarre 
sibling rivalry with Charlie McCarthy 
BERGEN: It’s been sort of reinvented by the 
media. I wrote about it in the book because 
Га never addressed it before. It was never 
anything that I gave much thought to. It 
was other people finding it so astonishing 
that made it such a big deal. 
PLAYBOY: It wasn't? Even when Charlie Mc- 
Carthy had a bigger bedroom than you? 
BERGEN: It was sort of a minor annoyance 
and a quirk of my childhood, an interest- 
ing wrinkle. I consider my childhood to be 
incredibly rich and baroque. I have scrap 
books of my father when he was in 
vaudeville. Doing the research on him was 
the best time I had doing the book. It was 
so interesting to learn about him. 1 found 
out things about my father that I'd never 
known when he was alive. And it is a fasci- 
ing story—he created Charlie and 
Charlie sort of took over; he couldn't kill 
him off. He really just wanted to use Char- 
lie as à wedge to get in the door and it 
became the thing. All the mail went to 
tha If he went places without Charlie, 


alue to 


him. It w very wise and 
quick-witted, fearless to say the unthink- 
able. And there was my father, who was 
very conservative, reserved and dignified 
1 have a chuckle that sometimes startles me 
because it sounds like Charlie's. I go, "Oh, 
God." For the book, | looked at my rel 
tionship with Charlie. E really looked at it 


This Simple Idea 
Will Change The Way You 
Look At TV 


‘Simulated pictures 


MAGNAVOX 


The Smart Window 


If you flip out every time 
someone switches channels on 
you, we've got the answer. 

The Magnavox Smart Window. 
ТУ. So smart, it will end home TV 
wars forever. 

Its like having two TVs in one. 
A full-size screen to watch your 
favorite program. Plus a special built-in 
Smart Window so others can see 
what else is on, anytime they want, 
any channel they want? 

TheSmart Window by Magnavox. 
An idea so smart, you'll wonder 
how you ever lived without it. 


MAGNAVOX 


Smart Very smart” 


“When used with a VER 
21989 Philips Consumer Electronics Company 
A DwsonolNorh Amercan rugs Comoralon 


PLAYBOY 


and tried to understand it and mine it. 
PLAYBOY: Judging from your memoirs, 
your mother played a less influential role 
in your life. How did that allecı you? 

leaves you incomplete. 1 


ов уста [ср vti yel 


mother. Daughters don't want to be the 
mothers and yet it's inevitable u 
ways they become them. 1 just come up 
against ys Um like my mother all the 
time. Good and ways that trouble me. 
PLAYBOY: Yet your major influence was your 
father 
BERGEN: I very consciously wanted to mod- 
el myself after him. I think it was that I 
idn't want to fall prey to the powerless- 
ness that | saw women succumbing to. 
D always admired 
women or men who 
were self-sufficient 
and resourceful and 
I always wished that 
I had more of that 


myself. 
PLAYBOY: Did the 
fact that it was 
heult for you to 
be affectionate with 
your father affect 
your romantic rela- 
tionships? 


BERGEN: For a long 
time, it was very 
difhicult for me to 
say “I love you” to 
anyone. [t was easier 
10 say il to a man 
than to a woman. It 
took me a long ti 
before | was com- 
fortable saying it to 
women friends or to 
my mother. 

PLAYB: When а 
man said it to you, 


skin-like quality — 


alot of men I really learned from and who 
were really important as friends and im- 
portant in other but I also had rela- 
tionships that didn't mean anything. Ten 
or fifteen years ago, we telescoped rela- 
tionships into a weekend. People would 
give themselves away over and over again 
very Friday night, and by Saturday, you'd 
be having a family, and by Sunday, you 
c divorced. And you can't keep recy- 
cling yourself ove again and 
have anything real left to give. It took me 
such a long time to learn. It took me such a 
long time to break patterns. I was only just 
ready when 1 met Louis. 

PLAYBOY: Why then? What had changed? 
BERGEN: | think a lot of it had to do with 
coming to terms with my father's death. 


Ultra-Sensitive Derma-Silk™ Safetex Condoms. 


GO. 
CIRCLE 
со 


6 CONDOMS OF 
OERWA-SILK™ 
NATURAL LATEX 
IN COUN TYPE LE 
EASY-TO- OPEN 
GOL FOIL PACKS 


ne There's nothing quite like the feeling of using the uncommon condoms from Safetex: 
Gold Circle Coin", Saxon” or Embrace". Especially if you value your sensitivity. 
Safetex condoms are made with Derma-Silk natural latex”. achieving a sensational 
without sacrificing strength and protection. And all Safetex 
condoms are manufactured in the most modern state-of-the-art facility in the U.S. 
Enjoy the feeling of using the uncommon condoms from Safetex. When you value 
your sensitivity, there's nothing quite like it. 
For further information, call Safetex Corporation at 1-800-426-2092. 


their heads down and their eyes arc shift- 
ing from right to left to see whos watching, 
while the woman is, like, “Z can’t stand it 
anymore and youve done it over and over 
and you just don't hear me!” She's screech- 
ing at the top of her lungs and she's weep- 
ing and the guy is embarrassed, hoping 
nobody's listening, shifting from one foot 
to the other and looking down and just 
waiting for it to be over. It's a kind of hyste- 
ria that women have to go through, 1 
guess. We love the drama. 

PLAYBOY: Were you particularly good at it? 
BERGEN: Oh, God! You know, when I think 
of the drama. 1 was so wedded to the dra- 
ma. And the amount of breakage! 1 broke 
all kinds of stuff. And putting my hand 
through doors, through glass, through 
window panes. Driy 
ing like a lunatic, Its 
womens propensity. 
It has something to 
do with female wir- 
ing and I don't know 
what it is. I think it 
comes from power- 
lessness. | know a lot 
of women whose 
husbands have 
chronically screwed 
around on them and 
either the women 
will have just found 
out about twenty 
years of infidelity or 
theyll have lived 
with it for fifteen 
vcars and their only 


course is 10 get 
cancer. They camt 
be homicidal. they 


can't hall their hus- 
bands, so they kill 
themselves quietly. 
Туе seen it over and 
over again. 


did it turn you off? PLAYBOY: Is that you, 
BERGEN: Yeah. I 100? 
would really BERGEN: Im tall and 
squirm. I was a mov- Tm big and, unfor- 
ing target. I was al- tunately, my hus- 
intrigued by band is sort of 
someone I didnt ub afraid of me. I don't 
IA ries слово Sulte, Сирены, Ваке tantrums very 
1 would get very much anymore, but 


daustrophobic when I heard 


of a prisoner of heat. You act on impulses 
And in a way, I think its too bad. 1 don 
think you can give yourself away too easily 
I think that in every relationship, you give 
part of yourself away. Theres always an 
impulse toward intimacy and every time 
you engage that impulse and you give 
something of yourself to a man and you 
tell him, you know, whatever is required to 
tell him to afford that intimacy, then you 
lose something; the next time you do it, it's 
a retread; it's inv; 


And it wasn't just me, by the way. Families 
split apart like atoms, nd left, and 
everything was d и. Nobody 
could —could— 


as just totally unable to 
commit to anybody. Most of the women I 
know have, for some reason, little 
s in their DNA and it takes a 
e to exorcise those. Most of the women 
1 know went through all kinds of 
masochistic relationships in their twenties. 
ill see the commitment syndrome all the 

king around. I sce couples, 
'ouples in their twen 


especially young 
ties or their thi 
bench or walking along and th guys hi 


when 1 do, they're really very unpleasant, 
very turbulent. I didn't see it at the time, 
but 1 totally manipulated the men I was 
with. They would tell me and I didn't know 
what they were talking about, but it's abso- 
lutely crystal clear to mc now how I man 
ulated every single fight, 1 just provoked 
everything down the line, provoked it so 
that 1 could then claim to be a victim. 
PLAYBOY: No more: 
BERGEN: There was a tacit pact made with 
Louis because I had just had enough of do- 
ing it and because he was really good at it. 
too, and neither of us was good at relation- 
ships and we were just worn out. 
PLAYBOY: So thats what happen: 
eventually get exhausted and gi 


I looked 


BERGEN: [Laughs] 1 now in other peo- was too young to deal with it 
ple and I think, Oh, God, how do you have much older than my age. I w 
the energy for i? How do you have the much to be independent and I wanted 
You couldnt pay me to go back very much to be more open than I was. But 
ош there again. If, God forbid, anything I think the part of me that was a survivor 
ever happened, Га just get a bunch of dogs w that I couldn't handle it. 

the mou as. I'd be а PLAYBOY: Were your parents overprotec- 

tive? 


nger 
PLAYBOY: You grew 


one fast lane to—supersonic 


problem of being 


you dont do anything to deserve it, 

PLAYBOY: Is that behind the suicides and 
O.D.s of your ре 
al things are. Because our 
arents were in Ca- 


up at a particular ty 
tumultuous: 
smack in the 
of the Sixties. 


Do 


you remember it 
with nostalgia or 
with sadnes: 

BERGEN: Ш was 


difficult for a lot of 
us. Whether it was 
Sixties or Bever- 
there was 
an Пу high 
number of fat 
among the people I 
knew. I dont know if. 
it was. coincidental 
with acid, but a lot of 
kids | knew died 
when they were in 
their early twenties. 
Some of them went 
over the edge and 
never came back. 
PLAYBOY: What was 
the difference be- 
tween them and 
you? 

BERGEN: Probably 
Swedish Luth 
anism. I know that 1 
always wanted to get 
out. I was like an 
animal with my cars 
always up—aw 
that there was some 


Jensen car speakers 


Jensen cranks. a lot of 


speakers dont just play music. They haul. They blast. 
And deliver from your doors, deck and dashboard a sound so powerful, 


reers that took them 
away from home for 
long periods of 
time, there wasnt a 
constant of 
parental supervi 
on. Most of the 
kids 1 knew had un- 
limited funds to act 
out any kind of ado- 


lescent fantasy that 
they could have 
wished for, so that 
there was no 
financi: restraint, 
either. And it was 
very glamourous. 
Guys got 300915 


Corvettes and 
ed spending 
at sixteen. 
PLAYBOY: Wh 
result? 
BERGEN: I think you 
Just spin out of con- 
rol. | think your 
self-esteem is coun- 
terfeit. 1 didn't get a 
car or пм nd I 
had curfews. Hh 
probably helped 
enormously 


15 the 


1 did go through 
whining, 
which I really hated, 
but that seems char- 


thing dangerous it will turn your car inside out. acteristic of people 
bent Seong UE JCX226 CLASSIC BLUES” 6%" COAXIAL DOOR SPEAKERS— m Е: 
the environment of whether they're 


Beverly Hills. May 


be ids s hing 
Эш UE мышы JFXI24 CLASSIC BLUES" 4" DUAL CONE DOOR SPEAKERS— 
Ast Sleek, stylish grille with classic blue accents. Wide frequency response. 


на very 


70 watts peak power Write for a free brochure. 
place to be sell 
uvated 


Moving to New 
York when I was 
my twenties and 
thirties saved me. 


Low profile, easy to mount design. Comes with own grille or fit behind 
existing grilles. 2" dynamic tweeter 80 watts peak power. 


The most thrilling sound on wheels. e 


Beverly 
Hills or not. But | al- 
ways had a 


bout. my overp 
lege. With it came a 
social i 
try t0 use it rather 
than just feel guil 
about it. I find u 
have a really 
time being f 
with people 


who 


The kids in Cal- 
ч SPIAREKSMADE NUS A 
Ног are very 
uninformed, very 
ninterested and very unmotiv ted. BERGEN: The fact that they let me go away of action, who are comm 


they indulged that, 
1 indulge me in the way 
that other school friends of mine were in- 
dulged, with cars and je 
and stuff. But they did it i 
they thought made 
‘They thought that there was something 
valuable in going to school in Switzerland, 

ich, in fact, turned out to be going from 


They're these 


rgeous, physi 
people who have the emotional г 
elon. It’s where “Have а nice day” came 
rom. I wanted out. itzerland 
when I w: 
PLAYBOY: What were you looking for? 
BERGEN: i think it was really just curiosity 
And also | felt that life was too fast and I 


to Switzei 


education. 


don't take some kind 


шеа shoppers. 
PLAYBOY: How were those issues dealt with 
n your home? Were your parents political- 
wed? 

They very conserva 
y were very friendly with the Eis 
s before the Re 
politics. But to try to 
swer: | never felt that I 
1 about anything. I really 


were 


give a si 
could comp 


7 


DENS 


e A 74 5: 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


© 1889 BW T Ca 


Richland, ОЗА 


¡Eb Taste E richness of ш 


Kings 16 mg. ^ta" 11 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


0 
a e 
0 e 2 5 
Ф о 
[7 
© e 
0 
2 Р о 
7 e 
o 0 
0 ГА 
2 


Spruce up their Holiday. 
Give Tanqueray. 


To give Tanqueray as a gift, visit your local retailer or call 1-800-243-3787, Void where prohibited. 
Imported English Gin. 473% AlcıVol(94 6°). 100% Grain Neutral Spirits. © 1989 Schieflelin & Somerset Co., New York. N.Y 


REMEMBER: DRINKING AND DRIVING DON'T MIX. 


betrayed my parents as far as politics 
were concerned. When 1 came back to 
America, when I was about twenty-one, I 
sort of did my Beverly Hills hippie im- 
personation. Then 1 got involved in more 
focused political work. 
PLAYBOY: What led to your hippie imper- 
sonation? 
BERGEN: | walked flat into the Sixties aft- 
er doing the Princess Grace imperson- 
ation and 1 just didn't have a clue as to 
what was happening. I'd been in Europe 
for so long. | came home to a house full 
of the Beach Boys and the Mamas and 
the Papas—literally—and I mean it was 
really the Sixties in full flower. 1 came in 
Chanel shoes and my Piaget watch and 
one of my Chanel suits and I just didnt 
know how to deal with it. Nobody was 
talking and everybody was sitting 
around stoned, listening to this music. 1 
didn't know how not to talk. I didnt know 
how not to make party patter. I was at 
Monterey Pop and 1 went to the Beach 
Boys’ house before they had to repaint it, 
when it was purple, and they were really 
working then to stock the pool with dol- 
phins. Brian Wilson had his piano with 
its legs cut off in a sandbox, and he'd be 
in there playing, and there was a bust of 
Beethoven in the foyer that spoke to him 
every time he went by, and there was a 
recording studio off the living room and 
a ramp leading up 10 it, and suddenly 
somebody would ride up and do it on a 
motorcycle. This was very different from 
the royal courts of Europe. 
PLAYBOY: What's the difference between a 
Beverly Hills hippie and a regular hip- 
е? 
BERGEN: In Beverly Hills, his Nehru jack- 
et was custom made at a place we all went 
to in Beverly Hills. He flashed peace 
signs from his Mercedes. He wore love 
beads from Tiffany. 
PLAYBOY: But eventually, you ended up 
hanging out with serious radicals such as 
the late Huey Newton. 
BERGEN: I knew Huey over a period of 
years, when he was underground. 
PLAYBOY: Were you part of that move- 
ment? 
BERGEN: 1 always felt somewhat like an 
outsider. 1 felt that the concerns were le- 
gitimate and 1 wanted 10 participate, but 
there were certain lengths to which I 
didn't go or that I didn't agree with. I 
wasn't a likely SDS candidate. 
PLAYBOY: You did undercover work when 
you went on a famous date with Henry 
Kissinger—egged on by Abbie Hoffman. 
BERGEN: With Abbie right across the 
canyon watching, draped in a sheet. 
PLAYBOY: You were doing some espionage 
for the left, then? 
BERGEN: Well, we had the incredibly 
naive idea that 1 would have some sort of 
input in Kissinger's foreign policy. Sure. 
Abbie was one of the first and the most 
original voices of the counterculture. 


And he was the only one who didnt end 
up on Wall Street or, you know, born 
again or making designer jeans. He's the 
only one who stayed true to his school. 
He had real courage. There was also 
something sad and touching about him. 
It was very hard to be Abbie Hoffman lat- 
cron, in the Seventies, and in the Reagan 
ста. 

But you know, the Seventies were a lit- 
tle overwhelming for many of us. Every- 
thing was in jeopardy Everything was 
revolutionized—there was a political rev- 
olution, a spiritual revolution, a social 
revolution, a feminist revolution, a sexual 
revolution . . . and there was really noth- 
ing to hang on to anymore. That was OK 
in your twenties, because you didn't need 
solidity in your twenties, but all the same, 
it could be confusing. There were a lot of 
winds blowing at the same time. 
PLAYBOY: How did the aforementioned 
sexual revolution affect you? 

BERGEN: I happened to be monogamous 
while the sexual revolution was going on. 
Though I was surrounded by people who 
werent. I basically believe in monogamy, 
so it wasn't like ] was participating on this 
grand level. But there was certainly a 
kind of buzz in the air. It's amazing now 
when you think how we have retrenched 
and burrowed back into the comfort and 
the familiarity and the safety of our 
hearth and home. Not just me—every- 
опе. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that has hap- 
pened because of AIDS or do you think it 
would have happened anyway? 

BERGEN: AIDS certainly is the most tan- 
gible and dramatic reason for it to hap- 
pen, but I think all of the social 
movements were really more than people 
could managc. I think that people were 
rcally losing it, spinning out of control. A 
lot of good marriages bit the dust. A lot 
of families suffered and kids suffered. 
I'm not sure that anything got accom- 
plished in the Playboy Philosophy scheme 
of things, because it seems now that we're 
back to a morality that's maybe less hypo- 
critically rooted but more conservative. 
PLAYBOY: You're talking about the old 
Playboy Philosophy. Hef's married now. 
But if the difference between then and 
now is that our sexual behavior is a choice 
rather than behavior imposed upon us, 
would you agree that we've come a long 
way? 

BERGEN: In France, or anywhere in Eu- 
rope, almost anywhere else in the world, 
it wouldn't have been pursued with the 
vengeance that it was here. It was just an 
indication of how warped we were to be- 
gin with. One of the things I love most 
about Americans is how childlike we are. 
We're very childlike in the sense of sex— 
the bathroom jokes and lascivious re- 
marks on TV, for instance. The level of 
our humor is for people who are still titil- 
lated by sexual innuendo. It all strikes 


Europeans as incredibly immature—the 
way that we persecute politicians with 
these incredibly self-righteous, moralis- 
tic witch-hunts, as if anyone could be 
held accountable to such standards. 
PLAYBOY: What political issues concern 
you now? 

BERGEN: There are many things. I'm very 
concerned about America's debt to Vict- 
nam veterans. Personally, I will feel г lit- 
tle easier if I can figure out some way to 
pay back some of that. Its not too late to 
make amends to those guys. 

PLAYBOY: Are you more sensitive about 
this issue because of your antiwar in- 
volvement? 

BERGEN: I don't know. I certainly opposed 
the Vietnam war, but I never opposed the 
American soldiers. 

But maybe the biggest issue now is the 
environment. I'm getting more and more 
obsessed about it and about people's de- 
nial of what is going on. It makes me 
crazy that there are deliberations about 
whether we should recycle because it's a 
lot of trouble. 1 can really imagine being 
very radical in this if I could find a way to 
be effective. Its already almost too late. 
But it's something I'll be involved in. You 
risk making a real fool of yourself and 
you risk being lampooned by the press; 
Meryl Streep got involved in protesting 
Alar and pesticides and they savaged her 
very unfairly. 

PLAYBOY: You've mentioned several times 
how important it has been for you to risk 
humiliation and ridicule. Does that apply 
personally, тоо? 

BERGEN: It used to be the opposite; I had 
this reserve and this impenetrable 
facade. I was basically so self-conscious 
and so insecure around people, and I 
was getting hit on right and left. I didn’t 
know how to deal with it. 

PLAYBOY: Were you suspicious of the mo- 
tives of potential suitors? 

BERGEN: ] dont think their motives were 
worse than minc. 

PLAYBOY: And today? 

BERGEN: There's not a question since I've 
been married. Maybe it sounds boring, 
but 1 believe you should honor relation- 
ships. 

PLAYBOY: This sounds like the mature 
Candice Bergen speaking. 

BERGEN: lt may be deadly to talk about, 
but getting older means being respon: 
ble. You acquire a sense of responsibility 
for your own behavior and you dont pass 
it off on other people—on your parents, 
your environment. You have a sense of 
responsibility to your friends and to your 
family and to the people around you and 
to the planet and a sense that you should 
act from that. That's what I believe about 
life: You should behave honorably. 105 
very important to me. It is not what Hol- 
lywood is about. 


81 


шш иш 


"m 


[ie 


KILLING 


M A M 


it was a stormy afternoon 
and he had an appointment— 
with à corpse 


SOM t DATS hang over Manhatian 


like a huge pair of unseen pincers slowly 
squeczing the city until you can hardly breathe. 
A low growl of thunder echoed up the cavern of 
Fifth Avenue, and 1 looked up to where the sky 
started at the 7151 floor of the Empire State 
Building. I could smell the rain. It was the kind 
that hung above the orderly piles of concrete 
until it was soaked with dust and debris, and 
when it came down, it wasn't rain at all but the 
sweat of the city 

When I reached my corner, I crossed against 
the light and ducked into the ground-level ar- 
cade of my office building. It wasnt often that 1 
bothered coming in on Saturdays, but my client 
couldn't make it any time other than noon to- 
day, and from what Velda had told me, he was 
representing some pretty big interests. 1 
punched my button and rode the elevator up to 
the eighth floor. 

On an ordinary day, the corridor would have 
been filled with the early-lunch crowd, but now 
the emptiness gave the place an eerie feeling, as 
though I were a trespasser and hidden eyes 
were watching me. Except that I was the only 
one there, and the single sign of life was the 
light behind my office door. 

Turned the knob, pushed the door open and 
just stood there a second because something 
was wrong, sure as hell wrong, and the silence 


anew mike hammer story 
By MICKEY SPILLANE 


ILLUSTRATION BY DANEL TORRES 


PLAYBOY 


was as loud as a wild scream. I had the 
45 in my hand and I crouched and 
edged to one side, listening, waiting, 
watching. 

Velda wasn't at her desk. Her pocket 
book sat there, and a paper cup of coffee 
had spilled over and stained the sheaf of 
papers before dripping to the floor. And 
I didn't have to move far before I saw her 
body crumpled up against the wall, half 
of her face a bloody mass of clotted blood 
that seeped from under ber hair. 

The door to my office was partially 
open and there was somebody sull in 
there, sitting at my desk, part of his arm 
clearly visible. I couldn't play it smart. I 
had to explode and ram through the 
door in a blind fury, ready to blow some- 
body into a death full of bloody, flying 
parts. . . . Then I stopped, my breath 
caught in my throat, because it had al- 
ready been done. 

The guy sitting there had been taped 
to my chair, his body iminobilized. The 
wide splash of adhesive tape across his 
mouth had immobilized his voice, too, 
but all the horror that had happened was 
sull there in his glazed, dead eyes that 
stared at hands whose finger ups had 
been amputated at the first knuckle and 
lay in neat order on the desktop. A dozen 
Knife slashes had cut open the skin of his 
face and chest, and his clothes were a 
sodden mass of congealed blood. 

But the thing that had killed him was 
the note spike I kept my expense receipts 
on. Somebody had slipped them all off 
the six-inch steel nail, positioned it 
squarely in the middle of the gu 
head and pounded it home with the 
bronze paperweight that held my folders 
down. 

1 ran back to Velda. Her pulse was 
weak, but it was there, and when I lifted 
her hair, there was a huge hematoma 
above her ear, the skin split wide from the 
vicious swelling of it. Her breathing was 
shallow and her vital signs weren't good. 
1 grabbed her coat off the rack, draped it 
around her, stood up and forced the rage 
to leave me, then found the number in 
my phone book and dialed it. 

The nurse said, “Dr. Reedey's office.” 


“Meg, this is Mike Hammer,” 1 told 
her. “Burke in?" 

“Yes, but" 

“Listen, call an ambulance and get а 


stretcher up here right away and get 
Burke to come up now. Velda's been hurt 
badly.” 

While she dialed, she said, “Don't move 
her. ГІ send the doctor right up. Keep 
her warm and——" I hung up іп midsen- 
tence. 

Pat Chambers wasnt home, but his 
message service said he could be reached 
at his office. The sergeant at the switch- 
board answered, took my name, put me 
through, and when Pat said, “Captain 
Chambers,” I told him to get to my office 


with a body bag. I wasn't about to waste 
time with explanations while Velda could 
be dying right beside me 

Her skin was clammy and her pulse 
was getting weaker, The frustration I felt 
was the kind you get in a dream when 
you cant run fast enough away from 
some terror that is chasing you. And now 
I had to stay here and watch Velda slip 
away from life while some bastard was 
out there getting farther and farther 
away all the time. 

There were hands around my shoul- 
ders that vanked me away from her, and 
Burke said, “Come on, Mike, let me get to 
her.” 

1 almost swung on him before I real- 
ized who he was. When he saw my face, 
he said, “You all nght?” 

After a moment, I said, “Em all right,” 
and moved back out of the way. 

Burke Reedey was a doctor who had 
come out of the slaughter of Vietnam 
with all the expertise needed to handle 
an emergency like this, He and his nurse 
moved swiftly and the helpless feeling 1 
had before abated and I moved the desk 
to give him room, trying not to listen to 
their comments. There was something in 
their tone of voice that had a desperate 
edge to it. Almost on cue, the ambulance 
attendants arrived, visibly glad to see a 
doctor there ahead of them, and careful- 
ly, they got Velda onto the stretcher and 
ош of the office, Burke going with them. 

“What happened, Mike?" asked Meg. 

“L don't know yet" I pointed to the 
door of my office. “Go look in there.” 

A worried look touched her eyes and 
she walked to the door and opened it. I 
didn't think old-time nurses could gasp 
like that. Her hand went to her mouth 
and | saw her head shake in horror. 
"Mike . . . you didnt menuon——" 

"Hes dead. Velda wasnt. The cops will 
take care of that one.” 

She backed away from the door, turned 
and looked at me. "That's the first .. . de- 
liberate murder. . . I've ever seen." Slow- 
ly, very slowly, her eyes widened. 

I shook my head. “No, 1 didn't do it, 
Meg. Whoever hit Velda did that, too.” 

The relief in her expression was plain. 
“Do you know why?" 

“Not yet.” 

When she left, I walked over to the 
miniature bar by the window and picked 
up a glass. Hell, this was no time to take a 
drink. I put the glass back and went into 
my office. 

The dead guy was still looking at his 
mutilated hands, seemingly ignoring the 
spike driven into his skull until the orna- 
mental base of it indented his skin. The 
glaze over his eyes seemed thicker. 

1 heard the front door open and Pat 
shouted my name. I called back, “In 
pem 

Pat was a cop who had secı 
опе was just another on hi: 


it all. This 
ist. But the 


kill wasn't what disturbed him. It was 
where it had happened. He turned to the 
uniform at the door. "Anybody outside?” 

“Only our people. They're shortstop- 
ping everybody at the elevators." 

"Good, keep everybody out for five 
minutes. Our guys, LO 

*Gor it." the cop said and turned away. 

“Let's talk," Pat sai 

It didn't take long. “I was to meet a 
prospective client at noon in my office. 
Velda went ahead 10 open up and get 
some other work out of the way. I walked 
in а few minutes before twelve and found 
her on the floor and the guy dead." 

"And vou touched nothing?" 

“Not in here, Pat. I wasn't about to wait 
for you to show before I got a doctor for 
Velda.” 

Pat looked at me with (he same old 
look, 

JK,” he said. His eyes looked tired. 
"Let's get our guys in here.” 

While the photographer shot the 
corpse from all angles and did close-ups 
on the mutilation, Pat and I went into 
Veldas office, where the plain-clothes 
ollicers were dusting for prints and vacu- 
uming the area for any incidental evi- 
dence. Pat had already jotted down what 
1 had told him. Now he said, “Give me 
the entire itinerary of your day, Mike. 
Start from when you got up this morn- 
ing, and ГЇЇ check everything out while 
it's fresh.” 

^I got up at seven, I showered, dressed 
and went down to the deli for some rolls, 
icked up the paper, went back to the 
apartment, ate, read the news and took 
off for the gym." 

“Which one?” 

Bings Gym. I got to the office a few 
minutes before twelve and walked into. .. 
this.” I waved my hand at the room. 
“Burke Reedey will give you the medical 
report on Velda and the М.Е. will be able 
10 pinpoint the time of death pretty well. 
so don't get me mixed up in suspect 
status." 

Pat finished writing, tore a leaf out of 
the pad and closed the book. Hc called 
one of the detectives over and handed 
him the slip, telling him to check out all 
the details of my story “Lets just keep 
straight with the system, buddy. Face it; 
youre not one of its favorite people.” 

Pat bent over and examined the body 
carefully His arm brushed the dead 
man's coat and pushed it open. Sticking 
up out of the shirt pocket was а Con 
Edison bill folded in half. When Pat 
straightened it ош, he looked at the 
name and said, *Anthony DiCica" He 
held it out for me to look at. "You know 
him, Mike: 

“Never saw him before.” 

“DiCica was an enforcer for the New 
York Mob. Не маза suspect in four homi- 
cides, never got tapped for any of them 


“Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, 
not a creature was stirring—except me.” 


PLAYBOY 


86 


and gained a reputation of being a pretty 
efficient workman.” 

“Then?” 

“Simple. Somebody cracked his skull 
open in a street brawl and he came all 
unraveled. He was in a hospital and left 
with severely impaired mental facilities." 

"Who sponsored him?" 

"Nobody took him in. He remembered 
very little of his past, but he could handle 
uncomplicated things." 

"What's the tag line, Pat?" 

“Не could have made enemies. Some- 
body saw him and came after him." 

“In my office?" 

"OK. Mike, who would 
dead?" 

“Nobody I can think of.” 

"Hell, somebody wants you even better 
than dead. They want vou all chopped 
up and with a spike through your head. 
Somebody had a business engagement 
with you at noon, got here early, took out 
Velda and didn't have to wait for you be- 
cause there was a guy in your office he 
thought was you and he nailed that poor 
bastard instead." 

“Tve thought of that,” I said. 

I picked up the phone and called the 
building super. 1 told him I needed the 
place deaned up and what had hap- 
pened. He said he'd do it personally I 
thanked him and hung up. 

Pat said, “Let's go get something to eat. 
You'll feel better. Then we'll go to the 
hospital." 

“I don't want to cat. ГИ tell you what 
you can do, though." 

“Whats that?” 

“Station a cop at her door. Somebody 
missed Velda, and they may want anoth- 
er go when they find out what hap- 
pened.” 


want you 


б 
Pat had called ahead, and the сор at 
Velda's door looked at my 1.D. and let me 
in. The hospital room was in a deep 
gloom, only a small night light on the 
wall, making it possible to see the out- 
lines of the bed and the equipment 
When the door snicked shut, I picked up 
the straight-backed chair by the sink, 
went to the bed and sat down beside her. 
Velda. Beautiful, gorgcous Velda. 
Those deep-brown eyes and that full, full 
mouth. Shimmering auburn hair that 
fell in a pageboy around her shoulders. 

Now her face was a bloated black-and- 
blue mask on one side, one eye totally 
closed under the bulbous swelling, the 
other a flat sli. Her hair was gone 
around the bandaged area and her up- 
per lip was twice its normal size. 

I put my hand over hers and whis- 
pered, “Damn it, kitten. . .." 

Then her wrist moved and her fingers 
squeezed mine gently. "Are you . . . all 
right?" she asked me softly. 

“Im fine, honey, I'm OK. Now, dont 
talk. Just take it casy. All I want is to be 


here with you. That's enough." 

I just sat there, and in a minute, she 
said, “I can . . ke. Please tell 
me .. . what happened. 

1 played it back without building it up. 
1 didnt tell her the details of the kill and 
hinted that it was strictly the work of a 
nut, but she knew better. 

Under my fingers, 1 could feel her 
pulse. It was steady. Her hand squeezed 
mine again. "They came in . . . very fast. 
One had a hand over his face ... and he 
was... swinging at me .. . with the other. 
1... never saw a face at all.” Remember- 
ing it hadn't excited her. The pulse rate 
hadn't changed. 

І said, “OK, honey, thats enough. 
You're supposed to take it real easy 
awhile" 

But she insisted. “Mike. ..." 

“What, kitten?” 

“If the police . - . ask questions. 

I knew what she was thinking. In her 
mind, she had already put it on a case ba- 
sis and filed it for immediate activity. 

“Play sick," I said. 

Until she made a statement, everything 
was up in the air. She was still alive, so 
there was a possibility that she could have 
seen the killers. They couldn't afford any 
witness at all, but if thev tried to erase 
her, theyd be sitting ducks themselves. 
From here on. there would be a solid cov- 
er on the hospital room. The killers were 
going to sweat a little more now. 

I thought I saw the good corner of her 
mouth twitch in a smile, and again, I got 
the small finger squeeze. "Be careful,” 
she said. Her voice was barely audible 
and she was slipping back into a sleep 
once more. "I want... you back." 

Her fingers loosened and her hand 
slipped out of mine. She didnt hear me 
when I said, "I want you back, too, baby” 


e 

Outside the door, a cop said, “How is 
she?” 

“Making it.” He was a young cop, this 
one. He still had that determined look. 
He had the freshness of youth, but his 
eyes told me he had seen plenty of street 
work since he left the academy. “Did Cap- 
tain Chambers tell you what this is 
about?" I asked. 

"Only that it was heavy The rest I got 
through the grapevine.” 

“Its going to get rougher,” I said. 
“Dont play down what you're doing.” 

He grinned at me. “Don't worry, Mike, 
I'm not jaded yet.” 

“Take care of my girl in there, will 
you?" 

His face suddenly went serious. “You 
got it, Mike." 

Downstairs, another shift was coming 
on, fresh faces in white uniforms replac- 
ing the worn-out platoon that had gone 
through a rough offense on the day 
watch. The interns looked too young to 
be doctors, but they already had the wear 


and tear of their profession etched into 
them. One had almost made it to the 
door when the hidden PA. speaker 
brought him up short, and with an ex- 
pression of total fatigue, he shrugged 
and went back inside. 

I cut around the little groups and 
pushed my way through the outside door. 
The rain had stopped, but the night was 
dammy, muting the street sounds and 
diffusing the light of the buildings 
Nights like this stank. There were no in- 
coming taxis and it was a two-block walk 
to where they might cruise by. There was 
no other choice, so I went down to the 
Street. 


. 

L thought the little guy in the oddball 
suit who shuffled up to me on the street 
outside my apartment was another pan- 
handler. He peered at me, a grin twisting 
his mouth, and said, “Remember me? 
I'm Ambrose.” 

"Ambrose who?" 

“How many people with a name like 
that you know? From Charlie the Greek's 
place, man. Charlie says he wants you to 
give him a call.” 

"Why?" 

"Beats me, man. He just told me to tell 
you that. And the sooner the better. It’s 
important.” 

1 told him OK, handed him two bucks 
and watched him scuttle away When 1 
got upstairs, 1 dug out the old phone 
book, looked up the Greek’s place and 
called Charlic. His raspy voice started 
chewing me out for not stopping by the 
past six months, and when he was 
finished, he said, “There's a gent that 
wants to meet with you, Mike.” 

Charlie was an old-fashioned guy 
When he said gent, it was with quotation 
marks around it, printed in red. Any 
gent would be somebody in the chain of 
command that led to the strange avenues 
of what they deny is organized crime. He 
wasn't connected: he was simply a useful 
tool in the underworld apparatus. 

“He got a name, Charli 

“Sure, I guess. But I don't know it." 

"Whats the deal: 

“Like tonight. Can you make it down 
here tonight 

1 looked at my watch. “OK, give me 
thirty. You think I need some backup?” 

“Naw. This guy’s clean.” 

“Tell him to sit at the bar.” 

“You got it, Mike.” 

The Greek' place was just a run-down 
old saloon in a neighborhood that was 
going under the wreckers' ball little by 
little. Half of the places had been aban- 
doned, but Charlie's joint was near the 
corner, got a regular trade and a lot of 
daytime transients, but from four to sev- 
en every evening, the gay crowd took 
over like a swing shift, then left abruptly 

(continued on page 114) 


E rie: was, we didn't dance. In recent mem. 
ony, the picture of Jimmy Carter mop- 
ing around the White House didnt give 

rise to exuberance. But our postmodern, ironic age is giving 

way to a kinder, gentler 
notion: We are once 


again permitüng ou 


selves to be all that we 
can be. We are also per- 
mitting ourselves to be 
less than all that we 
can be. 

Dancing is a way in 
which we celebrate the 
bearable lightness of 
being. In dance, we are 
forgiven our lead-foot- 
edness; the ponderous 
bulk of our corporeal 
selves becomes leav- 
ened. Otherwise sensi- 
ble people are suddenly 
twirled into a kind 
of dementia. Besides, 
dancing is one of the 
few social activities in 
which sweat is an ac- 
ceptable by-product of 
enthusiasm, if not com 
petence. 

Dance helps us drop 
Our reserve and re- 
Orders our priori- 
ties. The kind of 


thinking that went into the frug, for example, is one that is 
temporarily untroubled by global hegemony. The twist. the 
loco-motion, the hitchhiker, the swim—nowhere do vou find 
the rigorous, disciplined thinking that gave rise to LIFO and 
FIFO accounting tech- 
niques. The same is 
true for the tango, the 
fox trot, the lindy hop, 
the waltz. They all 
presumed a prepared 
sameness: Hold your 
hands like so, place 
your feet like so—in 
some cases, thrust your 
loins like theres no to- 
morrow. Billy Crystal, 
in When Harry Met Sal- 
fy. . .. complains that 
one of the stages of the 
modern courtship is 


performing “the white 


mans overbite” 
kind of strained, jerky 
dance step on the rocky, 

goal-oriented 

road to sex. True 

dandng, vou will 
learn here, isnt like 
that. It lightens, rather 
than burdens, the 
heart. It redeems and 
restores. Which is why 
we gotta do it, even 


if were no good at it 


87 


BLAME ПИШ CHECKER 


оок at you: You're a com- 
petent guy, a man of 
accomplishment. Your ca- 
reer is flying, your pay 
check pushing the edge of 
the envelope. You read. 
You're up on movies. You 
know art and he knows 
you. You can summon 
sommeliers in the fanciest 
expense-account restau- 
rants, and your personal 
stash of Cuban cigars at- 
tests to your taste and your 
resourcefulness, not to 
mention your contrariant 
contempt for the way the 
wind is blowing. In other 
words, you are a dude, an 
18-karat, bona fide late-Eighties kind 
of man. 
So how come you can't dance? 
Oh. pardon me. Of сошзе you can 
dance. You have those couple of steps 
you keep in your head to get you out 
of tight situations, such as the firm's 
annual black-tie New Year's bash. Well, 
actually, they're not really steps. They're 
more like a vaguc pattern of movement, a 
shuffling that you refer to as "slow danc- 
ing” But, hey it got vou by in junior high, 
and it gets you by in real life. You also 
have that other speed that you call "fast 
dancing,” the one where you shift from 
one foot to the other and kick it forward 
like vou're trying to shake something sor- 
did off your shoe. 

OK. But tell me this: Why do vou feel 
that little moment of terror when you 
tear open thar holiday invitation and out 
tumbles а card with the words DINNER. 
Daxce engraved in letters you can touch 
with your finger tips, as though vou had a 
handicap? 

IH tell you why. It's because some- 
where deep inside, you know you're the 
consummate lare-Eighties man . . . and 
the rest of the world is about to dance in- 
to the Nineties. 

D 

"The fact that the Nineties are look- 

ing like (text concluded on page 232) 


arte И JANES MORGAN 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVEN GUARNACCIA 


f : because 
ХХ Man det. 


y ONLY-recommenda- 
поп їо a man who is: œ 
even remotely thinking 
about ballroom dancing is 
to be careful.-Unless-vou Наме. а. very 
large trust fund or a very strong charac- 
слет, don't begin at Arthur Murray: Once 
2 they hook you, they ha 
5 y “Hooked? On ballroom 
dancing? Come on!” 

I Know: The only reason’ you'd take 
ballroom dancing at all would be as а 
joke. So that's why I'm telling you: Don’ 
Like a newborn duck, you'll get imprint- 

gd оп your teacher and your classmates, 
and then they'll sign you up for lifetime 
lessons. Later, when: you ask around, 
you'll discover that you could get the 
same lessons for less from someone who 
used vo teach at Arthur Murray and now 
gives lessons himself. 

Once you feel what it's like to dance 
with someone who knows how ло dance, 
you'll understand what Im. talking 
about. You - (text concluded on page 92) 


ied, N EN 


ILLUSTRATION BY BILL NELSON 


SURE, HE COULD DANCE BUT... 


The next time she wishes you could dance like Fred Astaire, you might tell her a few things about the 
prince of prance. For instance: * Sure, he could cut a rug, but he also started wearing one when he was 34. 
* He danced only with his sister until he was past 30. * He lived with his mother until well into his 30s. + Не 
once made Ginger Rogers continue to rehearse even after her feet were bloody. * He was so demanding that 
many of his dance partners were reduced to tears during rehearsals. * When his wife asked him to wash 
the dishes, he smashed them on the kitchen floor and told her never to ask him again. * He stalked off 


the set of Top Hat because feathers from Rogers’ dress were blowing in his face. + He enjoyed hanging 
ош at the morgue: he also liked to watch police line-ups. + He tried to get Joan Fontaine fired from A 
Damsel in Distress. When director George Stevens told him he feared Fontaine might kill herself, As- 
taire said Stevens was exaggerating and insisted on replacing her, * He ate noodle soup every day at 
12:30. He didn't like to read. but he did like to watch TV game shows and soap operas. + He used to 
put on sunglasses and sneak into porno movies at the Pussy Cat Theater. * He hated social dancing. 


EW YORK: The cavernous 
Red Zone houses fashion 


floor and deejay music in the air; Es- 

oteria's fenced-in floor protects 
addicts and voguesters; the Beautiful People; Victoriana 
Магзу six floors are and psychedelia coexist at the 


Lizard Lounge. DALLAS: 
Dallas Alley is a nine-mem- 


crowded with ripped 
jeans and leather 
jackets: wear black 10 М.К. 


Tor live mu: 


ber club cartel featuring a 
dance floor for 1000; Twenty 
Eight Twenty Six has опе of 


the top decjays in the country 


„ billiards and a 


cabaret; watch for Madonna at. 
Big Haus, a record-industry 
showcase club. LOS ANGE] 


Vertigo draws celebs of many 


MIAMI: Decos has a monster 
dance floor, lasers and five bars for 
stripes; at Rubber, rock stars jam with 
the rock-a-billy band. CHICAGO: The 
Cabaret Metro/Smart Bar has sawdust on the 


the unquenchable; Latins and tourists 
line up at Club Nu's 24-hour bar; find 
inspiration from dancing samurais at Facade. 


Even the best hoofers have scuffed the floor with stand-ins. When Fred Astaire was stood up by Jane Powell in Royal Wedding, he cur 
a clothes tree, In Thousands Cheer, Gene Kelly skirted wallHowerdom by waltzing with a mop (above left). (In the middle, 
y animated with Tom and Jerry in Anchors Aweigh; at right, he’s Singin’ in (he Rain while bumping with his bumbershoot.) 
In Jailhouse Rock, Elvis snarled, "Dont you be no square/ If you can't find a partner, use a wooden chair.” Most everyday house- 
hold items can serve as supple partners when treated gingerly, However, there is one unavoidable ground rule: You lead. 


WHAT'S IN THE NAME? = 


have un- 


emember the name dance? Archivists—notably John Waters in Hairspray 
carthed forgotten gems, from the enthusiastically entomological (the roach) to the 
relentlessly instructional (the Madison). As we kick and scream into the Nineties, 
we're dancing to fewer names. Everyone did da butt fora time, as well as other novelties: 
the RoboCop (you whip vour head from side to side), the Cabbage Patch (you move from 
side to side and stir something up) and the Roger Rabbit (you hop). But the dance in style 
now is vogueing, named, apparently, afier the magazine and involving posing, strutting, twirling 
about and other fashion-runway moves. Armchair psychologists will say that vogueing makes a virtue of 


self-absorption, public preening and narcissism. Well, so did the watusi—that's what dancing is all about. 


NINETY-EIGHT percent of dancing consists 
of following a few simple rules. Think of 
these as instructional hoans, pointers 
from the pros, that we gleaned from 
how-to books and videos. Follow them 
and you'll move as gracefully as, well, 
Fred Astaire. * "Good posture is abso- 
lutely essential to good dancing"— 
THOMAS E. PARSON, How to Dance * “Don't 
try [the split kick into the back spin] with 
your good pants on."—wiLLIAM H. WAT- 
KINS and ERIC X. FRAN Breakdance! = 
“Remember, you go counterclockwise 
when you're country dancing "метах 

creenwoon, Hot Country Dancin’ * “Don't 
reach out for the floor; it's right there for 
you to hit." —soxxir FRANKLIN, Lets Tap! * 
“Footwork alone does not make a good 
dancer—your whole body dances"— 
KATHY SMITH, Fun with Foxtrot + “The key 
to being a good partner is... to make the 
woman beautiful—make her flow, make 
her movement ecstasy and flight, you 
know."—rxrrick SWAYZE, Swayze Dancing. 


PLAYBOY 


may even come to realize, as I have, that 
dancing is better than sex. 1 mean that, 
I really do. Its better because its a 
flirtation that can go on forever and ever 
without being consummated; because 
you can do it with strangers and not feel 
guilty or ashamed; because you can do it 
outside your marriage and not get in any 
trouble; and because you can do it in 
public, with people watching and ap- 
plauding. And when you're doing it right, 
you can't think about anything else, such 
as what you forgot at work or that the 
ceiling needs painting. 

Which is why women love to dance. 

There's a problem, of course. All won- 
derful things in life come with some sort 
of problem. For women, it's finding men 
to dance with. I've been taking ballroom- 
dance lessons for more than a year now 
and, in my class, as in most classes, the 
women seriously outnumber the men. 
Not taking dance lessons is a common 
mistake among men. They fail to realize 
that dancing is one of the few things a 
man can learn when he's young that will 
соте in handy later. Men who know how 
to dance—even a few basic steps—will 
never end up sad and alone, with nobody 
to play with, because women will always 
be looking for that rare man who can 
dance. They'll take him to night clubs 
and parties and on cruises, and they'll go 
all mushy after a simple waltz. 

Men should know this, but they don't. 
They don't appreciate the fact that what 
happens between a man and a woman on 
a dance floor is so romantic and pure, so 
steeped in tender tradition that few wom- 
en can resist it. 

There are other wonderful things 
about dancing. It's a return to a more in- 
nocent time, back to the days of courtship 
when young couples danced the fox trot, 
the waltz and even the tango, and then 
fell in love with the way they felt in each 
other's arms, moving to the music. After 
they fell in love, they got married. And 
then they stayed married. 

On a dance floor, it's OK for men to 
take the initiative and not worry about 
being viewed as Neanderthals. The man 
is supposed to ask the woman to dance. 

And once you begin to dance, the man 
leads. It doesn't work well if you both lead, 
and its no better if you take turns. The 
man рез to show off his physical 
strength, lifting her up and twirling her 
around. It's a scientific fact that once а 
woman feels a man's strong arms around 
her, she feels a lot better about life in gen- 
eral and can't complain much at all. 

Women don't complain about the fact 
that most of them dance better than 
men. If a man can' cut it on the floor, the 
next time he asks, "Do you want to 
dance?" he may get a reply such as, “1 
think you need more practice. Why don't 
we meet somewhere and try?" Women 
are perfectly willing to help someone 


learn. They'll even become the dance 
partner of a man they might not other- 
wise entertain in any way other than as a 
grave doubt. 

Any man who so much as wants to 
learn to dance is given much more slack 
by the women in ballroom dancing than 
the women are by the men, once the man 
has learned to dance and is totally impa- 
tient with the least imperfection. I know 
this marvelous dancer named Frank, 
who, the minute we start to tango (we 
take Tango Argentino class together, the 
dance of the truly driven), begins look- 
ing at me in the mirror and saying, 
“Can't you do your ochos on your own bal- 
ance?" 

Frank, in fact, had a perfectly gor- 
geous partner named Irena, with long 
red hair down to her waist and a back 
like a Victorian virgin, her profile so pale 
and sweet against his dark, Latin good 
looks. But Frank was such a barrel of cri- 
tiques that finally, one day, she just upped 
and quit, saying, “I can't dance with you 
anymore. It's по fun.” - 

As for me, one day 1 asked Frank, 
"Don't you like dancing with me? 

And he said, “No. Not all the time.” 

So I left him alone from then on, even 
in a class where people were expected to 
dance with anvone handy 1 ignored him 
for a long time. Now he asks me to dance, 
nicely, and things are a lot better. 

Since | began doing ballroom dancing, 
T've discovered that there are two typcs 
of men to dance with. Therc's thc kind 
who, like me, learned everything they 
know from teachers and who wouldn't 
veer off the beaten track if an earthquake 
struck in mid-step and with whom danc- 
ing is incredibly beautiful and brings 
moments of such happiness that they 
know they'll remember them until the 
day they die. And then there are the men 
who were born to dance, who took a few 
lessons when they were young and have 
been dancing ever since. These men re- 
gard dance as a simple way to express 
themselves, leading their partners into 
things they never dreamed of doing in a 
million years, and making me, at least, 
feel as though I've just been to a motel— 
or a small hotel in Santa Barbara—for 
the best weekend of my life. 

“My God,” I asked one partner, named 
Aldo, at the end of a slow Latin bolero. 
“What do you call hat?” 

“That,” he said, smiling, “is dancing.” 

Ко wonder he has been mari five 
times. / would have married him, if only 
for a few infatuated months of ball- 
rooms, moonlight and what he does to 
music. 

Fred Astaire was like that, I suppose. 
He learned a few steps in his youth and 
Just took off when he felt like it in later 
life. Oh, to be in Fred Astaire’s arms. Or 
even Ralph's arms. 

Thad a first date with Ralph last Satur- 


day We were having dinner in one of 
those elegant old downtown-L.A. hotels 
that have a great restaurant, and after 
dinner, we walked past this hotel bar, 
where a combo was playing But Not for 
Me. 

“Oh,” he said, “that’s a fox trot, right?” 

“I think so,” I said, wondering how a 
man who was only 34 and had been 
raised in Southern California would 
know. 

“You want to try?” he said, smiling, 
and cherry bombs went off in my heart. 

“To dance?" I said. “Oh, lers.” 

The floor was almost empty, maybe 
two other couples, and we stood fora mo- 
ment while he listened for the slow/quick- 
quick beat, which is all a fox trot is. And 
there we were, gliding away, my heart 
turning into cotton candy and my head 
in and out of the clouds. I stood up 
straight, my feet stayed on the floor and 
in that moment, 1 was prepared to for- 
give him for anything he would do for 
the next 40 years. 

The dance came to an end and he said, 
“That was fun.” 

I was seeing stars so badly I could 
hardly talk, but when he said “One 
more?” I managed a feeble “Oh, I'd love 


Maybe it's the public formality of it all 
that makes the whole thing so private yet 
so intense. It took all my wits to keep 
from offering to be his slave for life. 

"Ahhh." he said. "you're the queen of 
slow dances, aren't you? You're so easy to 
dance with, your body is the great es- 
cape." 

"Now, now," I said, blushing like a love- 
struck kid. But | wasnt a teenager in 
love, I was something worsc—l was a 
tango dancer in love. 

Ifa year ago someone had asked me to 
dance a dance in a place like that, he'd 
have been sorry. I was worse than a heavy 
lead, 1 led myself. But now my body was 
fully clothed while my mind, heart and 
soul were quite a different story. 

"In heels," he said, "you're just the 
right size for me." 

Was he planning our future? 

When I get infatuated this completely, 
T tend to think of headstones— what we'll 
have written on them and if he'd like 
the side-by-side look or prefer nice 
mausoleum plaques. A year ago, I might 
have asked his view, but now, due to the 
rigorously enforced charm that I ac- 
quired in tangoland, I'm as good at keep- 
ing my mouth shut as Lam at keeping my 
back straight for the entire dance. If 
Ralph wants headstones, Im sure he'll 
ask, I now leave it to the man to propose. 

Of course, it's only a dance. 

Nothing more. 

But the great thing about ballroom 
dancing is where it can lead, if only a 
woman knows how to follow. 


“I had to make a number of concessions in their new contract.” 


text by 


KENELM ШШ 


HEN GIRLS are asked what they 

look for in a man, they always 

talk about the sensitive things, 

like intellect, Kindness and а 

sense of humor. Well, that's all 
very nice, very nice, indeed, but what 
I also want is a guaranteed nonstop 
sex machine, and that's exactly what I 
got with Jack. Нез imo fun and games 
in bed, all the really horny things that 
I get off on, like spankings, hand- 
cuffs, whips and Polaroid pictures. 
Now, thar's a man to die for!" The 
man in question is Jack Nicholson, still 
a hot box-office star at 52, and the 
28-year-old actress confirming his en- 
during sexual prowess is Karen Mayo- 
Chandler, a hot British beauty who 
spent the best part of a year in the 
Joker's bed. Brits are renowned for 
their delight in naughty bedroom 
stuff, and youll notice a startling 
British insouciance when it comes to 
Karen attitude about bedtime frol- 
ics—attitudes that wouldn't pass 
muster at the National Organization 
for Women. Classically tı 
prestigious Italia-Conti and Guildhall 
dra 


ined at the 


a schools in London, the 


auburn-haired, hazel-eyed Karen 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


THE WAS | | | 


ACTRESS KAREN MAYO-CHANDLER DELIVERS THE 
GOODS ON EX-LOVER JACK NICHOLSON 


“А hero you con love and a villain you con hate,” says Karen Mayo-Chandler of actor Jack 
Nicholson (above, os Bafmon's Joker), with whom she says she had a torrid, yearlong affair. 
"I'd say hes rather like the Joker, tco; his idea af being sexy is dressing in blue-satin boxer 
shorts and fluorescent orange socks ond chasing me around the room with a ping-pong 
paddle.” The relationship now ended, Karen is concentrating on her Hollywood career. 


95 


made her big-screen debut in Ken Russell's controversial Lisztomania and was т John 
Osborne's biting TV drama Youre Not Watching Me, Mummy at 18. By the time she was 
29, Karen's face and figure—36-23-34—had placed her on the covers of more than 
100 fashion magazines, Vogue and Harpers included, while she still found time to 
chase her theatrical dreams, appearing world-wide on stage in Shakespeare's The 
Taming of the Shrew, Noel Coward's Blithe Spirit and even Woody Allens Play It Again, 


Sam. Five years ago, she went to California on vacation, copped a TV guest-star role 


alongside Bruce Boxleitner in Bring "Em Back Alive and a cameo role with Eddie 


Murphy in the original Beverly Hills Cop. Hollywood became home. After a stint on 
the CBS soap The Young and the Restless, she was back on the big screen playing a 


in the B-movie business. But 


string of bad girls—hookers, strippers and junki 
1989 saw her breakthrough, with a part opposite Karen Black in the current RCA/ 
Columbia Pictures Home Video release Out of the Dark and the lead in Roger Cor- 


man’s cult sequel Stripped to Kill 2. which led to a five-picture Corman contract. Most 


At right is a scene fram the movie African Express, in which Karen, playing on American 
aviatrix, co-stars with Patrick Dallaghon. Its scheduled ta be released early next year. 


recently, she completed a major starring role in the upcoming African Express, playing 
a feisty American pilot in the World War Two adventure. In the midst of all this, she 


found time for a secret 12-month fling with “Joker” Jack, or, as she prefers to call him, 


panking" Jack. With good reason, as we shall see. "I kept quiet about it for a long 


time,” she says, “because I really don't like to kiss and tell, but you know how gossip 
starts in the movie business. You just can't keep it down. The tabloids made me out to 
be Jack's little British bimbo, so 1 simply had to set the record straight. The fact is that 


1 was in love with Jack, and he treated me like a princess during our time together. It 


was champagne and flowers all the way. Added to that, he spent hour after hour mak- 


ing love to me night after night. Could any girl resist? He's пог a selfish lover like so 
many men, only interested in satisfying themselves. No one, and I do mean no one 
can compare with Jack in the sack. He really ought to write a book about it: How to 
Make Love to a Woman, by Jack Nicholson. Now, wouldn't that be a best seller? I could 
talk forever about Jack's bedroom technique. With some men, making love is just a 
physical thing; with others, it's emotional or intellectual. Its rarely all three. With 


Jack, it's everything, Really, its a life-or-death thing to — (text concluded on page 211) 


IFOWN- 


uP hint: looking in the mirror won't help 


was sorn in 1947 I have a wife, a child, a mortgage, two dogs 
and gum disease. People who are years younger than 1 am rou- 
tinely get elected lieutenant governor. So vou would probably 
describe me as a grownup. Which just goes to show how much 
you know. 

Several years back, 1 began to suspect that, despite my age, 1 
wasn'ta grownup at all, and neither was my wife. What tipped 
me off was furniture. I noticed that over the years, all our 
friends had gradually, somehow, acquired furniture that not 
only went together in terms of color but also looked as though 
nobody had ever spilled margaritas mixed with bean dip on it 
and then allowed it to harden for several days on account of be- 
ing too hung over to attempt cleaning procedures. ! wondered, 
How did our friends manage this? Our furniture looks as 
though a random collection of large, unattractive animals wan- 


—dered into our living room and died. It always will 


1 know this (text concluded on page 228; see quiz overleaf) 


w humor By DAVE BARRY mE 


106 


THE REAL-LIFE APTITUDE TEST 


for how to tell if you are, finally, a grownup) 


1. Your former college roommate 
shows up and repays the $3500 you 
lent him to run away to Canada with 
in 1969. You: 

A. Spend a weekend in Vegas 

B. Buya new setof clubs 

C. Reserve a place in nursery 

school for your unborn child 
D. Demand 8.9 percent interest 


2. A foulard is: 

A. The layer of fat above the hips 
that rolls over the waistband 

В. A lightweight silk tie or hand- 
kerchief in a twill weave 

С. A sheer silk sock worn with for- 
mal dinner attire 

D. A black dress cape hemmed 
with lead weights 


3. Your best friend has a professional 
triumph. You: 

A. Take him out for adrink 

B. Take yourself out for a drink 

C. Take his wife out for a drink 

D. Quit drinking 


4. Your bank records and credit appli- 
cations will be: 
A. Kept strictly confidential 
В. Shared with firms only if au- 
thorized by you in writing 
С. Sold to anybody with a letter- 
head and a fax machine 
D. Used as the basis of a monolog 
on the Letterman show 


5. When a woman says she's not in- 
terested in ____, it usually means 
she's 
A. Marriage . . . bitter 
B. Younger шеп... sarcastic 
C. Other теп... discreet 
D. Size... kind 


6. Rank the following in order of im- 
portance: 
A. Credit-card insurance 
B. Over-the-horizon radar protec- 
tion 
C. Annual physical 
D. Team-logo boxer shorts 


7. A large monkey and a small monkey 
sit in the same tree. Each has six ba- 
папаз. The large monkey cats six. 
The small monkey eats two. How 
many bananas does the small monkey 
have left? 

A. Six 

B. Four 


C. Two 
D. None 


The following questions test your 
ability to decipher synthetic wordoids 
constructed from initials. 
8. RICO: 
A. Puerto Rican terrorist organiza- 
tion 
B. Edward G. Robinson's big break 
C. Anticrime statute 
D. Registered Intensive-Care Ob- 


stetrician 


9. LIFO: 
A. Last In, First Out 
В. Low-Intensity Fake Orgasm 
С. Less Is For Others 
D. Let's Instead Fuck, OK? 


10. A half Windsor is: 
A. A short dress boot with a tartan 
lining 
B. A tie knot used to fill moderate- 
ly spread collars 
С. A wrestling move in which an 
opponents trunks are pulled 


around his knees 
D. An illegitimate ottspring ot the 
royal family 
11. Match the nationality with the 
product: 
British wine 
French beer 
Italian shotguns 
Japanese automobiles 
German optics 
American beef 
Swedish chain saws 
Canadian women 
12. A blucher is: 


A. A damp, viscous lump you snort 
onto your bosss tie while laugh- 
ing at one of his jokes 

В. A half boot on which the upper 
laps over the vamp 

С. An absorbent pad sewn into the 
front of bikini briefs 

D. An Austrian velvet slipper 


13. treat a beautiful woman as 
if she were 

А. Always... from Mars 

В. Never... married 

C. Always. .. mentally disabled 


D. Never... beautiful 


No one graduates without fulfilling 
the foreign-language requirements. 
Below is a test of your fluency in 


financialese. 
M. T-bills arc: 

A. 13-, 26- and 52-week Treasury 
securities sold at a discount 
from par 

B. Monthly payments on a Thun- 
derbird 

C. Uncollected tax bills that are 
auctioned off to collection serv- 
ices 

D. Treasury notes bearing the like- 
ness of Mr. T 


The following question will reveal 
the subtlety of your mental palate. 
15. Identify cumin: 
A. Symbolic Passover dish (bitter 
herbs, honey, onions and sand) 
B. Aromatic spice used in curry 
C. Hungarian chilled cucumber 


soup 
D. Turkish opiated mint tea 


16. Forever means: 
A. Aslong as you both shall live 
B. As long as the money holds out 
C. As long as the average married 
man thinks hc has been marricd 
D. Aslongasit takes to pay off your 
kids' college loans 


OPTIONALSECTION: ETHICS 


17. You may safely lie to which of the 
following: 

A. The IRS 

B. The FBI 

C. Mike Wallace 

D. Your wife 


Its not whether you win or lose, 


A. How you play the game 
B. How you look 

C. Whether you beat the spread 
D. Whether you can deduct it 


19. Confession is good for: 
A. The soul 
B. Her lawyers 
C. Senate subcommittees 
D. All of the above, so avoid it at all 
costs 


20. Honesty is the best: 
A. Policy 
B. Weapon 
C. Billy Joel song ever 
D. Disguise 
—LENNY KLEINFELD and 
GEOFFREY NORMAN 
(answers on page 232) 


“This year you can give him a taste of his own medicine!” 


107 


——PLAYBOY CHRISTMAS—— 


ЕШ 1 


ЕА 
things you сап live without, but who wants to? 


The MiD ski boot, designed in collaboration with Porsche, features a mid-entry system for easy entry and exit but 
maintains the traditionol overlap feel of clossic ski boots. The angle of skiing or wolking position is adjusted by 


forward flex and a quick one-button releose. Available in four colors, from Longe USA, Colchester, Vermont, $330. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES INBROGNO 


Alessi’s stainless-steel reproduc- 
tian af a circa 1925 cacktail 
shaker created by German in- 
dustrial designer Marianne 
Brandt captures the unique 
design and inherent beauty of 
the original, $235. Cheers! 


Measuring a mere 41A" x 4V4" x 
6%" and weighing about 
1/2 pounds, Sonys CCD-TR5 
Handycam Bmm camcorder is 
the perfect little stacking stuff- 
е yet offers all the features of 
its full-sized brothers, $1500. 


To keep yaur holiday spirits 
soaring, theres o silver-plated, 
English-made aviators watch 
featuring a gated top, quartz 
movement and leather bond, 
fram Butler & Wilson, West 
Hollywaad, Califarnia, $248. 


At left: Grundigs radically 
streamlined German-made 26” 
| improved-definition stereo tele- 
| visian with nine audio speakers 
has а 155-channel tuner ond 
wireless learning remate ond 


| an-screen pragraming, $2500. 


The crystal inkwell (shawn with 
а Must blue-lacquer fountain 
| pen, $410) hos a foceted base 
| ond a gold-ringed, frosted- 
aystal cap ond is numbered 
ond initialed in gold, $325. 


Both ore from Cartier, Chicago. 


This HO-gouge Digital Vista 
dome car with separate con- 
trols for setting ceiling and 
table lighting, fectures a waiter 
moving through the aisle, serv- 
ing passengers, from Márklin, 
New Berlin, Wisconsin, $295. 


=“ 
= 
ООО 


TAL 
PANO 
ry 0000 


The Jaguar marque has maved 
on dawn the road ta sunglass- 
ез. Model J701 has all the class 
and breeding of the big-cot 
machines and cuts sunrays, taa, 
fram Spex Inc., Chicago, abaut 
$200, including a handy case. 


Deck the halls! Technics’ tap- 
loading SLPC2O five-disc play- 
er allows you ta change CDs 
even while one is playing. Yau 
also get 20-track random- 
access pragraming, sequential 
play and repeat modes, $330. 


Praduced annually for the hali- 
day seasan, this years Alfred 
Dunhill af Londan's limited-edi- 
tion (350) Christmas pipe is 
fitted with a gald band and 
housed in its awn leather-baund 


boak-style case, about $750. 


For the ultimote in off-road 
thrills, try the Hondo Pilot, o 
four-wheel off-rood speciolty 
vehicle with o liquid-cooled 
397-с.с. two-stroke engine, 
from Des Ploines Hondo, Des 
Plaines, Illinois, obout $6000. 


PLAYBOY 


114 


KILLING МАЛ conned om page so 


“That mutilation of DiCica could have been a 
message to you, he said. ‘It looks like it? I shrugged.” 


and everything went back to sloppy nor- 
malcy. 

A pair of old biddies were sipping beer 
atthe end of the bar and right in the cen- 
ter was a middle-aged рогЦу guy in a 
dark suit having а highball. His eyes had 
picked me up in the back bar when I'd 
come in and we didn't have to be intro- 
duced. He waved Charlie over. I said, 
"Canadian Club and ginge 
picked up the drinks and went to a table 
across the room. 

“Appreciate your coming,” he 

“No trouble. What's happening: 

“There are some people interested in 
"Tony DiCica's death." 

"Pretty messy subject. You know what 
happened to him?" 

He bobbed his head. "Tough." 

"Yeah. He sure as hell messed up my 
office. But thats not what you want to 
know. Let's get something squared away 
here. You guys don't give a shit whether 
DiCica is dead or alive, do you?" I 
snarled. 

“Couldn't care less." 

"You mean unless he told my secretary 
what you wanted." 

After thinking about it, he acknowl- 
edged the point. "Something like that.” 

I said, “You know, I don't give a rat's ass 
what Tony had. 1 don't have it and she 
doesn't either." 

"Some people arent going to look at it 
that way," he told me. "Until thev are ab- 
solutely satisfied, you're going to have a 
problem." 

“There's one hell of a hole in your pres- 
entation, fella," I said. "Tony's been run- 
ning loose a long time. If he had 
something, why didn't they get it from 
him when he was alive?" 

“You know about Tony's history?" 

“I know” 

“If you guess the answer, I'll tell you if 
its right.” 

Hell, there could be only one answer. I 
said, “Топу had something he could hang 
somebody with.” The guy kept watching 
me. “He had permanent amnesia after 
getting his head bashed in and didnt re- 
member having it or putting it some- 
where.” The eyes were still on mine. The 
story line started to open up now. “Just 
lately he said or did something that 
might have indicated a sudden return of 
memory." The eyes narrowed and 1 knew 
T had it. 

When he put his drink away in two 
quick swallows, he rolled the empty glass 
between his fingers a moment and said, 
“A week ago, he suddenly recognized 


somebody—he called him by his right 


name.” 


“Then he relapsed into amnesia 
again?” 

“Nobody knows that.” 

"So 


“You have your fingers in all kinds of 
shit. You move with the clean guys and 
you go with the dirty ones just as easy. 
Nobody likes to mess with you because 
you've blown a few asses off with that can- 
non of vours and you got buddies up in 
Badgeville, where it counts. So you'd be 
just the kind of guy Tony DiCica would 
run to with a story that would keep his 
head on his shoulders." 

“Crazy” I said. 

"He went to your office to arrange 
something with you. Before you got 
there, somebody showed up and did the 
job, expecting to walk away with the in- 
formation. He didn't have it on him.” 

This thing was really coming back at 
me. "OK, what's my part?” 

“He is your client, Mr. Hammer. He 
told you all in return for an escape route 
you were to furnish." 

“That's a lot of bullshit, you know” 

A gesture of his hands meant it didn't 
make any difference. “You sec, as far as 
certain people are concerned, youre in 
until they say you're out. The informa- 
tion Tony had can be worth a lot of mon- 
еу and can cause a lot of killing. One way 
or another, they expect to get it back." 

"What happens if the cops get it first?" 

“Nobody really expects that to hap- 
pen," he said. He pulled his cuff back 
and looked at his watch. 

I took one more sip of my drink and 
stood up. "I guess somebody wants me to 
talk” 

“Certain people are giving you a few 
days to make a decision.” 

I could feel my lips pulling back in con- 
trolled anger and knew it wasn't a nice 
grin at all I pulled the 45 out and 
watched his eyes go blank until I flipped 
out the clip and fingered a shell loose. 1 
handed it to him. "Give them that," 1 
said. 

"Whats this supposed to mean?" 

“They'll know,” I told him. 


P 

1 called Pat the next day. "What have 
you got on DiCica?” 

“Interesting history. I'm going off duty 
How about a beer?" 

“How can you go off duty? Its after- 
noon." 

"I'm the boss, that's how." 

“TIl meet you downtown." 


Over the beer, Pat told me about An- 
thony DiCica. He had a listing of all his 
arrests, convictions that were a laugh and 
the victims he was suspected of killing. 
Every dead guy was involved in the Mob 
scene, and two of them were really big 
time. Those two had been hit simulta- 
neously while they were eating in a small 
Italian restaurant. DiCica, after shooting 
both parties in the head twice, made off 
with an envelope that had been seen on 
the table by a waiter. Following the hit, 
there had been an ominous quiet in the 
city for a week, then several other per- 
sons in the organization died. It was two 
weeks later that Anthony DiCica's head 
collided with a pipe in a street brawl. 

"They went a little overboard in bring- 
ing him in and cracked his skull. After 
that, he was no good to anybody. They 
still nceded his goods and had to wait for 
him to come out of his memory loss be- 
fore they could move. .. ." 

Pat lifted his beer and made a silent 
toast. "We really took his place apart, you 
know.” 

“No, I didn't know. What did you find?" 

“Zilch. There were no hiding places. 
We even tried the cellar area. If he had 
anything at all, it's someplace else. End of 
case. It died with Anthony.” 

“The hell it did,” 1 said. “Somebody in 
the organization thinks DiCica suddenly 
remembered and dropped his secret on 
те; 

“Brother!” 

I nodded. “The bastards as much as 
said it's my ass if I don't produce.” 

“Shake you ир?” 

“Гус been in the business too long, kid- 
do. I just get more cautious and keep my 
45 on half cock.” 

He watched me, frowning, grouping 
his thoughts. "That mutilation of DiCica 
could have been a message to you, then.” 

“It's beginning to lock like it," I said. 

"What do you do now?" 

“See how far | can go before I touch a 
trip wire” 

“You don't give a damn, do you?" he 
said, 

“About what?" 

“Anything at all. You don't want any 
backup, no protection . . . you want to be 
out there all alone like a first-class idiotic 
target.” 

I shrugged. 

“There's a lot more of them than there 
are of you.” 

1 watched him and waited. 

He finally said, “They know how you 
are, Mike. You're leaving yourself wide 
open." 

I felt a tight grin stretch across my lips 
and said, “That's the trip wire / set out." 


. 
They knew me at the hospital but 
wanted to scc my LD. anyway. The cop at 
(continued on page 207) 


“Nintendo doesn’t have а game like that, does it?” 


115 


WIMMER 


WE DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT HER—AND WE WEREN'T LIKELY TO, EITHER 


THERE ARE STORIES that go unaccountably 
wrong and become impermeable to the 
imagination. They lodge in the memory 
like an old wound never entirely healed. 
This story of my father's younger broth- 
er Clyde Farrell, my uncle, and a woman 
named Joan Lunt, with whom he fell in 
love, years ago, in 1959, is one of those 
stories. 

Some of it I was a part of, aged 13. But 
much of it I have to imagine. 

б 

It must have been а pale, wintry, 
unflattering light he first saw her in, 
swimming laps in the early morning in 
the local Y.M.C.A. pool, but that initial 
sight of Joan Lunt—not her face, which 
was obscured from him, but the move- 
ment of her strong, supple, creamy-pale 
body through the water, and the sureness 
of her strokes—never faded from Clyde 
Farrell's mind. 

He'd been told of her; in fact, he'd 
come to the pool that morning to observe 
her, but still you didn't expect to see such 
serious swimming, 7:45 лм. of a weekday, 
in the antiquated white-tiled "Y" pool, 
light slanting down from the wired glass 
skylight overhead, a sharp medicinal 
smell of chlorine and disinfectant pinch- 
ing your nostrils. There were a few other 
swimmers in the pool, ordinary swim- 
mers, one of them an acquaintance of 
Clydes who waved at him, called out his 
name when Clyde appeared in his swim 
trunks on the deck, climbed up onto the 


diving board, then paused to watch Joan 
Lunt swimming toward the far end of the 
pool . . . just stood watching her, not 
rudely but with a frank, childlike inter- 
est, smiling with the spontaneous pleas- 
ure of seeing another person doing 
something well, with so little waste mo- 
tion. Joan Lunt in her yellow bathing suit 
with ıhe crossed straps in back and her 
white rubber cap that gleamed and 
sparked in the miniature waves: an at- 
tractive woman in her mid-30s, though 
she looked younger, with an air of total 
absorption in the task at hand, swimming 
to the limit of her capacity, maintaining a 
pace and a rhythm Clyde Farrell would 
have been challenged to maintain him- 
self, and Clyde was a good swimmer, 
known locally as a very good swimmer, а 
winner, years before, when he was in his 
teens, of county and state competitions. 
Joan Lunt wasnt aware of him standing 
on the diving board watching her, or so it 
appeared, Just swimming, counting laps. 
How many she'd done already he couldn't 
imagine. He saw that she knew to cup the 
water when she stroked back, not to let it 
thread through her fingers like most 
people do; she knew as if by instinct how 
to take advantage of the element she was 
in, propelling herself forward like an ot- 
ter or a seal, power in her shoulder mus- 
cles and upper arms, and the swift 
scissors kick of her legs, feet flashing 
white through the chemical-turquoise 
glitter of the (continued on page 168) 


fiction 


By JOYCE CAROL OATES 


JLUSTRATION EY MEL ODOM 


n7 


118 


FIGH 


т 


what do free speech, gun control апа 
abortion have in common? they are the 
new chorus in our theater of confusion 


opinion By DAVID MAMET 


Civil Liberües Union and the Na- 
tional Rifle Association. 

Privileged to sit in these two mu- 
tually abhorrent camps, I have been 
struck by the similarity of their funda- 
mentalist stance on two disparate issues: 
the First (A.C.L.U.) and Second (N.R.A.) 
amendments ro the Constitution. 

The First Amendment states that there. 
shall be no law limiting freedom of 
speech (the only exception being the ad- 
vocacy of violent overthrow of the Gov- 
ernment). 

The A.C.L.U. and enlightened liberal 
thought have long held that the First 
Amendment could not be plainer and is 
open to no interpretation; that interpre- 
tation or amendation in the least degree 
must inevitably bring about destruction 
of the amendment's protective meaning. 

The members of the A.C.L.U. do not, 
in the main, 1 am sure, derive pleasure 
from lurid pornography, but they are 
sufficiently concerned about the tenuous- 
ness of freedom of speech that they are 
prepared to submit to the dissemination 
of pomography rather than open the 
First Amendment to that interpretation 
they feel must lead to its emasculation. 

The leadership of the A.C.L.U. is 
sufficiently devoted to the purity of the 
notion of freedom of speech that it came 
to the defense of American Nazis, a 
group whose very existence they must 
have found loathsome, when the Nazis 
were debarred from marching in Skokie, 
Illinois, a predominantly Jewish commu- 
nity and home to many survivors of the 
Nazi death camps. Many viewers on the 
right (as well as some on the left) must 
have looked on in wonder at this, ar- 
guably, Pyrrhic display. As must viewers 
of the left look on when the N.R.A. op- 
poses limitation of firearms whose only 


| АМ A MEMBER of both the American 


possible employment is in mayhem. 

Well. the left says, yes, keep your guns 
for home defense and for sporting pur- 
poses, but why must you have your semi- 
automatic assault ries? What possible 
purpose can they serve? To which an en- 
lightened member of the N.R.A. might 
answer in a twofold way: (1) A semi-auto- 
matic assault rifle is, the inflammatory 
modifiers removed, simply a rifle. The 
semi-automatic of the name refers to the 
action used to make the piece ready to 
fire again, semi-automatic being one of 
many possible actions, among them 
pump, lever and bolt. The “assault” of 
the name means that the rifle is made to 
resemble, and may even be made by the 
manufacturers of assauh rifles, which are 
the modern evolution of the machine 
gun and are fully automatic; i.e., they fire 
more than one round with each pull of 
the trigger. The members of the N.R.A. 
might be asked why they would think it 
necessary either to possess or to espouse 
the possession of such artides designed 
to resemble weapons of war, to which the 
response might be (and this is the second 
portion of the answer): (2) "None of your 
business—the Second Amendment to the 
Constitution states that the right of the 
people to keep and bear Arms shall not 
be infringed. This statement is not open 
to interpretation." 

“Yes, but,” the interlocutor might state, 
“don't you see that your mindless pursuit 
of this idea leads to murder?” 

“To which the response might be, "No. 1 
do not see that, any more than you see 
that pornography leads to rape; but I do 
see that апу attempt to interpret the Sec- 
ond Amendmert must incvitably lead to 
destruction of this freedom to bear arms, 
and 1 feel that this freedom is sufficiently 
important that 1 am willing to tolerate 
abuses in the — (conlinued on page 229) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHAROIZUI 


7 ofS OF THE ЖУА Males 
ЖО ERA me ARA а 


THE C forme fo hato having Er En Jun 
ed ratita eliana eL need: Gordas a he ff Ж. =. 
RESOLVED 5 Anido D J Opens f 

tab o, 7 rd Sal. is IT oraret УМ ыш 
ond ftps me ft ofthe said былш. ex^ 

ARTICLES аанай. and а р eae fe ГЕЗА == 


=. 
> 
= 


fp oar and len, Еревана р у 
em frr e лын ona p m ers Grand fung aem cates Е Lal rr mara fas rin Ts 


6022—25 Calls fe a 


„жез And ова нй rore Tre “Фу ana تات‎ ths pople 
{ Су с MG SW усу жу жилы 


25, 1789, the Congress proposed twelve articles of amendment to tbe Constitation of tbe United States. Excebt for the frst too. they were rafed 


THE CHRISTMAS TAPES 


spreading good cheer is so easy by phone. so listen up and leave your greeting at tbe tone 


WILL ANYONE who is anyone be home for 
Christmas this ycar? Don't count on it. 
But modern technology is picking up the 
slack—even stars use phone answering 
machines. Do you ever wonder what their 
messages sound like? 


Seana and Donald Фит 


“Tis the night before Trumpmas, that 
magical hour, and Don and Ivana are not 
in the Tower, One evening each yule, to 
show that we care, we ride in a sleigh that 
is pulled by the mayor. We shower the 
Trump Apple's poor boys and girls with 
champagne and Krugerrands, truffles 
and pearls. And you'll hear us exclaim as 
each tot sheds a tear, 'Merry Trumpmas 
to all, and a happy Trump year! " Beep. 


Indiana Jones 


“Not home! Hanging on a train! Leave 
a message for Indy! Dad, if it's you, J get 
the girl this Christmas!" Beef. 


Sylvester Hallene 


“Yo. Sly. Out. Acting. Or polo. Christ- 
mas. Merry Except Brigitte. Not her. 
Leave a message at the grunt.” Grunt. 


Oliver Noth 


“Please pardon me. 1 am presently off 
base. Why? I cant recall. But if you leave 
your name and credit-card number at 
the sound of the bugle, I'll send you a 
ticket to my Broadway show, Ollie Follies, 
which will open in January if I can just 
locate Kukla and Fran.” Beep. 


Manuel Noriega 


“Saludos, bandidos. Sí, it is 1, Noriega. 
It has been a very good year here т 
Panama. We stared down the yangui and 
held glorious elections, and we've adopt- 


ed a national slogan: ‘Better living 
through chemistry’ I wish I could be 
home to take your call, but in my absence, 
let me sing you a little banana-ıcpublic 
song: ‘I know a mule, his name is Sal, 
fifteen К on the Panama Canal. Hes a 
good old smuggler and he flies El Al, 
fifteen К on the Panama Canal.” Beep. 


Cher 


“Sorry Im not home. But in case 
you're wondering what I'd like for 
Christmas, I'm through with plastic and 
getting into metal. Bon Jovi, for starters. 
Please leave a message after the guitar 
solo." Beep. 


The Reverend Jesse Jackson 


“ОГ the fact that I am out, have no 
doubt. That the Reverend Jesse Jackson 
is struggling so that no white, yellow, 
red or African-American person need 
grieve, you must believe. Let us come to- 
gether for the right reason in this holy 
season. Let us stop cycles of pain, cycles 
of sorrow, leave your name and ГИ call 
you back tomorrow." Веер. 


Gariy Handling 


“This is Garry's tape machine, Garry 
Shandlings tape machine. This is the 
message that you hear every time you call 
him. Were almost to the question How 
do you think his hair is? Then you'll hear 
a Garry Shandling tone.” Beep. 


Bo Jackson 


“You called Bo Jackson. Bo is at work. 
April to September, Bo is in Kansas City. 
October to January, Bo is in L.A. Christ- 
mas Eve, call the North Pole.” Beep. 


Marilyn нау 

“This is Marilyn Quayle. Danny is at- 
tending an important forestry meeting at 
the White House. I am shopping for his 
Christmas present. He says he wants a 
copy of Plato's Republican. 1 think we'll— 4 
stick to putters. Danny loves Christmas T% 
He hangs little TOW missiles in door- = 
ways and asks for а kiss. But now that he EE 
oversees the space program, it is getting 
harder and harder to convince him that 

Santa eludes radar in a Stealth sleigh — 
Merry Christmas." Веер. а ж 


ILLUSTRATION DY 
VICTOR VACCARO 29 


David Zeltenman 


“Hi, it's Dave. Here are the top-ten rea- 
sons I'm too busy to come to the phone 
right now: 

“10. Rereading Laurence Leamers 
Carson bio. 

"9. Getting hair cut . . . again. 

‚ Entertaining “Mrs. Letterman's 
parents. 

“7 Getting to know the ‘real’ Arsenio 
Hali. 

“6. Selecting gifts for NBC execs from 
С.Е. employee catalog. 

“5, Flossing. 

"4. Working with Paul on Daves An- 
swering Machine Theme. 

“3, Helping Richard Lewis through 
annual Christmas doldrums. 

“2. Training reindeer to ‘fly’ for Stupid 
Pet Tricks. 

“And the number-one reason I'm too 
busy to come to the phone right now: 
Making ‘snow angels’ with Madonna and 
Sandra Bernhard.” Beep. 


Jandia Bernhard 


“Oh, man. I'm not in right now. Really. 
Madonna and Dave. This ‘tree-trim- 
ming’ thing. God, I'm so sick of Christ- 
mas.” Beep. 


Madonna 


“Sorry, I can't come to the phone right 
now, because I'm out ‘hanging mistletoe’ 
with Dave and Sandra.” Beep. 


Willie Horton 
“Sorry I missed your cail. I'll be out for 
the weekend. Merry Christmas.” Beep. 


Зее Alwaler 


“Hey, bro, have a cool yule and lay 
down some jive at the beep. If this 
is David Duke, I did not authorize this 
сай...” Beep. 


Bill Laimbeor 


“Me? You're calling me? You've got to 
be nuts! He had his hand in my eye! Oh, 
sorry—thought I was on the court there 
for a second. This is Bill Laimbeer of the 
Detroit Pistons. Leave a message at the 
sound of the whistle.” Tweet. 


William Hunt 
"I'm out Christmas shopping, but re- 
member, just because I buy you some- 


thing, it doesnt mean we're married, for 


Chrissakes." Beep. 
Rob Lowe 
“Yes, this is Rob Lowe. No, you can't see 
it. So just leave me alone. I mean it. If you 


don't, I'm warning you, ГИ start singing. 
*Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.” Beep. 


Pele Rese 


“This is Pete. I never bet on baseball, 
and supposing 1 did? Big #@!$* deal. 
What's it to you? Huh? You got an answer 
10 that? Put it on the tape. Seven to five 1 
call you back by New Year's." Beep. 


За Jóa Gabor 


“So уу do you call now, dahling? I 
finally get ош of the house, go for a little 
drive, and now the phone starts ringing. 
Pleeeezzzzze leave me with a message, 
dahling, especially Freddie De Cordova. 
For you, the answer is always ja." Beep. 


у emagajene 
"We're not here right now. We're in 
therapy, trying to get rid of our Trump 


envy. Please leave your dirty secrets at the 
beep. ‘Merry’ Christmas.” Beep. 


Shite Leo 
“Merry Malcolm Xmas. Do the right 
thing and leave a message.” Beep. 


үт George Bush. Barbara and I 
are in the Oval Office with Vice-Presi- 
dent Quayle, trimming the tree with a 
thousand points of light and singing O 
Tannenbaum. The Vice-President keeps 
singing O Tannin’ Salon, but that's Dan 
We love him. America loves him. And at 
this nice time of year, when Americans 
exchange gifts, or, if they have no gifts, 
gift certificates, let me say that I hope 
America loves its Christmas President, 
too. Have a merry Christmas, America, 
and a kinder, gentler new year.” Beep. 


James Brown 


“Oww! You called James Brown, God- 
father of Soul, hardest-working man in 
the penitentiary. Yow! Can't pick up your 
call. No! Can't pick up the soap. Hunh! 
Call James in three to six.” Beep. 


rah Winfrey 

“Oh, girlfriend, I'm glad you called! 
But І can't come to the phone right now. 
Im pretaping my Christmas special 
about overweight wives of celebrity hair- 
dressers who have seen Elvis. If you have 
seen Elvis or know someone who has, 
leave a message at the tone.” Beep. 


Salman Rushdio 


“Shh. This is Rushdie. I can't talk 
They may be tracing your call. Leave a 
very short message. I'd like to say merry 
Christmas, but I'd better not.” Beep. 


Kaoh Ma 


“We're sorry but we can't come to the 
phone just now. We're, uh, feeding the 
animals. But let us be the first to wish you 
a very merry Christmas, as well as to say 
that the sexual revolution is not over. No 
way. And we wish you and yours a happy 
new year from the Playboy family’ 


TWO 


FOR THE 


ROAD 


miss december 
has a new motto: 
“dont tread on me” 


PETRA VERKAIK, а 22-year-old native Cali- 
fornian, celebrated the signing of her 
Playmate contract in an unusual fashion: 
by running herself over with her ovn 
van. The venerable '76 Volkswagen has a 
habit of not starting, so Petra's accus- 
tomed to climbing under the chassis, 
armed with a screwdriver, to get things 
going. This time, in her excitement about 
becoming a Playmate, she neglected to 
check whether or not the transmission 
was in gear. When the motor turned over, 
the van lurched onto her chest and 
perched there for about 30 seconds. “A 
very long thirty seconds," she says. "I 
thought I was going to die" With a 
mighty effon—“T'm not Hercules or any- 
thing, but из a light car"—Petra man- 
aged to free herself, sort of. "I pushed it 
up and slid under it. Then it landed on 
my hair, pinning me.” Fortunately, the 
episode took place in the parking lot next 
10 Playboys West Coast offices, and rescue 
was soon at hand. Cassie Gould, a Playboy 


“I want a mon who has drive, wha is reaching 
far something in Ме," says Petra Verkaik. "I 
dart care if it’s racing cars, phatography ог 
medicine—something he wants ta be gaad 
at. He has ta hove his awn life and sa da |.“ 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


publicist, was the first to hap- 
pen by and see two legs sticking 
out from beneath the dilapidat- 
ed van. Her call for help was 
answered by two security 
guards and a pair of passers-by 
who quickly got the van off 
the Playmate; paramedics and 
sheriff's officers arrived sec- 
onds later. At the hospital, Petra 
was X-rayed and got the good 
news that she could go home 
immediately. The bad news was 
that now that Petra was obvi- 
ously out of danger, everybody 
was cracking jokes about the 
accident. When a Playmate, 
particularly а welkendowed 
Playmate, is saved from serious 
injury by her breasts, people 
smile. It’s not unlike the story of 
а preacher's being saved from a 
stray bullet by his Bible. And 
Petra is by nature a rather shy 
person. “God, I was so embar- 
rassed,” she recalls. Still, when 
she heard that West Coast Pho- 
to Editor Marilyn Grabowski 
had dubbed her “the retread 
Playmate,” Petra  good-na- 
turedly responded, “Well, I did 
have tread marks on my shirt. 
What else can I do but laugh?" 
Petra and her misbehaving van 
go way back. “Му mom bought 
it new, and we used it to camp 
at the Grand Canyon and 
everywhere" Last year, her 
mother gave Petra thevan. Since 
then, its trips have most often 
been to the mechanic. Still, it 
has provided reliable-enough 


“My boyfriend's emotional. 1 like 
that,” says Petro. “Sometimes he'll 
fight his emotions, but then he just 
lets them out. Sometimes we cry 
together if something upsets him.” 


^| wont а man who romantic and passionate, who'll bring me flowers for na reason ond who tells me I'm beautiful in the morning 
when my hoir is all crazy” says Petro. “Even if I dont feel very pretty, its important that he doesnt see just the outside.” 


transportation to get Petra to 
modeling assignments (she re- 
cently did some promotional 
work for Pepsi). She currently 
shares a house near L.A. with 
three others, including her 
boyfriend, with whom she plots 
fantasy travel plans (first stop: 
Bali, her mother's birthplace; 
her father comes from Hol- 
land). Her next move, however, 
may be to try out for a spot in 
the Playboy's Girls of Rock & 
Roll revue, currently in Las Ve- 
gas and Lake Tahoe. “Playboy 
has helped me alot," says Рец 


“It has given me self-con- 


fidence. Now I love meeting 
people.” There's another plus: 
With her Playmate earnings, 
she'll be able to buy a new с: 

“Something ligl үз, 
smiling. “Like a Honda CRX." 


“I've always had а special thing 
abaut cars. In high school, I hod 
a Celica Supra, ond it was me,” 
soys Petra. “But then it was to 
toled, and that really bent my ego.” 


138330 SSIW 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


me: PETRA VEREAIE 
BUST: —7 wis: 24 mes: SD | 
нетонт: 2 183% uam 2 а 
BIRTH DATE: 11-41-62 erma: LOX ANCELES, CAL 
AMBITIONS: COME E 

= THE Best Move /ACTRESS | GAN 
zumn-ons: WATER. THE ANIDOOBS, LINGERIE, 

| ORC | 

TURN-OFFS: ATWE ME - 
CLEANLINESS 
FAVORITE MOVIES: N LATCON E 
GODS Most BE CRAZY 
FAVORITE TV PROGRAMS: [HE TODAY SHou/ 
FAVORITE sports: ALL WATER SPORTS, SEUNG, Hiki NG 
FAVORITE MUSICIANS: PHIL COLLINS у M_lAceson, QZ 
IDEAL WEEKEND: [Тї MU e LOVER, IN NO al 
CABIN, CHAMPAGNE `$ IN FRONT oF A FIREPLACE. 
MR. RIGHT WILL BE: Ni E TELLIGENT, FON 
MAN WITH А Goac IN LIFE 


A Pa 


7775 15 MY WHO 000 ZOOLINE OW CAHIPUS IM 
STH CLADE PIOTULE ATA? THe Q Leste 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


The young woman complained to her friend 
bout h ad's extraordinary ses drive. “1 
barely have the strength to go 10 work in the 
g” she said. "Now that he's off on holiday. 
things will only get worse. 
“How long is he off?” her companion asked. 
“It varies,” she replied, “but usually, time for 


one cigarette.” 

Dan Quayle vigorously supports the Adminis- 
stosend a man to Mars, but insiders 

report that he intends to re 

Guard to make sure it 


One morning, а ‘Texan walked up to his savings- 
and-loan branch office and found it dosed. After 
several minutes of pounding on the door, the 
manager appeared. “Мете closed!” he shouted 
through the glass 

“But your sign s: 

customer replied 

Those arent our hou 
welll be open tomorrow; 


s you're open nine 10 five,” 


th 


Those are the odds 


What does Mother Teresa's answering machine 
say? “Hello, Saint Elsewhere. 


As soon as the famous movie director passed 
through the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him 
they had a film they wanted him to direct. The 
director tried to beg olf, pleading exhaustion, 
but Saint Peter explamed that this was a very spe 
cial Ilm—ıhe script was by Shakespeare. 

The direcior was tempted for a moment but 
declined. Then Saint Peter said the art direct 
would be by Da ci. The film maker warmed 

onsiderably to the project but again decided 


v 


t Peter 


tit. 
Phe music will be by Beethoven," 
added 

Screenplay by Shakespeare! Production de- 
sign by Da Vincit Original score by Beethove 
the director exclaimed. "II do it! 
There's just one thing,” Saint Peter said 
has this girlfriend who sings. . . 


sod 


A Muscovite asked a butcher for bec and was 
told there was none. She asked for chicken. None. 
Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None. 

Asthe dejected shopper walked out, the butch- 
er turned to his assistant and murmured admir- 
ingly, "What ory! 


An archacologist was digging in the Negev 
Desert in Israel and came upon 
ing a mummy 

curator of a prestigious 
“Tve just discovered a thre 
mummy of a man who died of h 
ited scientist exclaimed. 

You cart know all that from looking ät him.” 
the curator replied. “Bring him in. Well see.” 

А week later, the amazed curator led the 
archacologist. “You were right about the mum. 
mys age and cause of death. How in the world 
did you know? 

Easy There was a piece of paper in his hand 
that said. 10.000 SHEKELS ox GOLIAT 


His many Helmsley employees does it take to 
nge a light bulb? One hundred: 99 to try and 
ч 10 lire them all. 


Alter a visiting Chinese th 
tour of ihe Metropolit 
asked to interpret various styles of pai 
pressionism,” he said, nting whi 
Impressionism is paint 

But then, what is soc 
asked. 

"That." he said, “is painti 


realism?" he was 


what you h 


What's the difference between а terrorist and 
your wife? You can negotiate with a terrorist 


А geneticist believed he had discovered a 
method for putting the theory of human cloning 
into practice. He decided to clone himself first. 
'verything went pertectly—except that, through 
some minor miscalculation, his clone was rude, 
vulgar and foulmouthed. When he was unable to 
correct the problem, he threw the ollensive clone 
out his laboratory window. The following day, the 
scientist. was arrested for making an obscene 
clone fall. 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor Playboy, 
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Ul 
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected, Jokes cannot be veturned. 


“Гое a few Christmas goodies—if it isn’t too much of an anticlimax.” 


136 


D oO € т © R's 


fiction By ROBERT COOVER авы 


The patient, a livid mass of welts, bruises, abrasions and deep discontents, 
wearing only a short hospital gown tied at the back and laid ош on an examining 
table like raw stock, is wheeled, cold and half-conscious, into the doctor's office. 

"Well, well!" exclaims the doctor, exhibiting a professional jollity “And what 
have we here?" 

Lucky Pierre, skin-flick hero, does not answer, keeping bottled up his scripted 
groans. He lies darkly in his wounds, his knees and elbows turned out, as though 
he were coming unspooled. By contrast, the doctor, who directs this in-house 
segment, which for all he knows may be his last, is glowing with well-being, her 
silvery-blonde hair pulled back in a tight bun at the neck, her teeth sparkling, 
her complexion radiant, her bright uniform (continued оп page 212) 


THE NURSES STRIP AWAY HIS GOWN—AND 
THE CAMERAS WHIR IN THE BACKGROUND 


ILLUSTRATION BY MERRITT DEKLE 


PATTI 


E said that living is the best prepara- 

li; for an actor If thats so, Patti 
D'Arbanville is better equipped than most. 
At 14, while a disc jockey in a Greenwich 
Village night club, she was discovered by 
Andy Warhol and cast in his movie classic 
“Flesh.” Al 15, she began modeling in Paris 
and London, where she worked wilh 
Francesco Scavullo and Richard Avedon, 
and met Cat Stevens, who wrole two songs 
Jor her: “Lady D'Arbanville” and “Wild 
World.” She starred in the erotic film “Bili- 
tis" and, back in America, had roles in such 
films as “Rancho Deluxe,” “Big Wednes- 
day,” “The Main Event” and “Modern 
Problems.” Most recently, she played John 
Belushis drug connection, Cathy Smith, in 
"Wired." Patti is also Ken Wahl's continu- 
ing love interest on ТУЗ “Wiseguy.” In real 
life, she has been married twice and shares a 
son, Jesse, with Don Johnson, Contributing 
Editor David Rensin met with Patti at her 
Santa Monica home. He reports: “Her liv- 
ing room is cluttered with Catholic artifacts 
and all sizes of framed photographs, mebud- 
ing опе group shol of Patti, best friend 
Pamela Des Barres aud Melanic (Mrs. Don 
Johnson) Griffith. She was dressed in jean 
‘cut-offs and а T-shirt and was surrounded 
by workmen who were remodeling her house. 
Outside, it sounded like the attack of the 
Mexican lawn blowers, She has amazing 
powers of concentration.” 


PLAYBOY: Your latest film, Wired, the John 
Belushi bio-pic, received enormous pre- 
release publicity—most of it critical. Even 
the actors who took roles have been chas- 
tised гіп effect, for betraying one of their 
own. And it was a long time before the 
movie found a distributor. Did you think 
about any of that when you accepted the 
part of Cathy Evelyn Smith, the woman 
who gave Belushi the injection that led to 
his death? 


D'ARBANVILLE: _No, 
tv's wisegal ann paro that 1 
Е А : 
on body hair, Тон тату 
hi vith. | knew 
tattoos and Cu, once, and 1 
why men wanted to make 
in love turn 
stupid 


an antidrug state- 


ment. The pul 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY RANDEE ST. NCHOLAS 


ty has worked to 
my advantage, be- 


cause I've been 
able to say what I 
feel about any- 


body's picking up 


0 QUE 


S TIONS 


ARBANVILLE 


a drug. Actually, I've made more an- 
tidrug statements doing interviews about 
it than the movie is ever going to make. 
Its a powerful piece, but as far as I'm 
concerned, they could have been a little 
bit stronger with what really happens 
when you use drugs. Otherwise, I'm sick 
of it all. Wired seemed like "the movie 
that never would be.” And I just don't get 
it. I'm tired of talking about it, 1 wish 
people would judge this poor fucking 
movie on what it is instead of this big 
hoopla around it. 


2. 


т.лувоу: In 1975, you were Jeff Bridges’ 
girlfriend in Rancho Deluxe. Since then, 
he has landed steamy roles with every 
beautiful leading lady in Hollywood. 
What about him first appealed to you? 
DARBANVILLE: He can dance. Figuratively 
and literally. Jeff's way with women 
makes complete sense to me. We danced 
like crazy We never stopped. 


8. 


ruaynov: Which of your movies should all 
knowledgeable and hip video collectors 
have in their library? 

DARBANVILLE: Wired! [Laughs] Nah. Bili- 
tis, the one I did with David Hamilton. 
It’s pretty, but it's a piece of kaka. I don't 
really like anything I've done except the 
Wiseguy episodes I've recently been in. 1 
say turn on the video recorder Wednes- 
day nights, because thats what l'm most. 
proud of. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Аз the woman who was with 
Don Johnson in his early Miami Vice 
days, tell our female readers how to han- 
dle a stubbly man. 

D'ARBANVILLE: It never bothered me. I 
don't like full beards or mustaches, but a 
little stubble here and there is fine. What 
1 don't like is when men shave their bod- 
ies, like these muscle guys. I have an ac- 
tor friend, a big Italian guy, and he's 
built. He's got a body that makes me say, 
“Please, yes, help." You puddle when you 
see him. But he shaves his body I love 
hair. I love hairy arms and chests and 
legs and the whole area that's supposed to 
have hair—except on the back. I'm not 
too crazy about that. In other words, Pe- 
ter Sellers would not have worked for me 


5. 


PLAYBOY: You and Don remain friends. 
You're also close to his wife, Melanic 
Griffith. Now that they've remarried 


each other, give us a short course in con- 
verting a love affair to a lasting friend- 
ship. 
DARBANVILLE: It takes love and respect. 
Compromise. Accepting each other the 
way you really are and not the way you 
want each other to be. Lowering your ex- 
pectations sometimes. 

6. 
PLAYBOY: You've been married twice. 
What would it take for you to try again, 
and make it stick? 
DARBANVILLE: Someone over thirty-five 
who has pretty much decided on what he 
wants to do in life; someone who under- 
stands what I want to do in my life; some- 
one who wants to have four kids. 
[Laughs] Before, when 1 got married, it 
was just important to find someone to 
take care of me. And I wanted to walk 
down the aisle with my father, in a white 
dress. Now companionship is more im- 
portant. I don't need anybody to take 
care of me. I've figured that out by my- 
self. But now my independence gets in 
the way Also, 1 have the attention span of 
a gnat. So the guy has to be pretty inter- 
esting. Basically, I like Italian men. 1 like 
big men. I like big, independent, strong 
men who won't follow me around like a 
puppy dog when they fall in love. I like 
men before they fall in love with me. After 
they fall in love, 1 don't know what hap- 
pens. They get stupid. 1 don’t get it. 


ГА 


PLAYBOY: What's the least amount of time 
it has taken you to say "I love you”? 
DARBANVILLE: [Embarrassed] And mean 
it? A month. And it was a mistake. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: There have been a lot of self- 
help books for women in the past twenty 
years. What's your best advice for women 
of the Nineties? 

DARBANVILLE: Boy, you're really asking 
the wrong person. [Laughs] Hmm. OK. 
Just don't take any shit, ever. Just be true 
to yourself, and if they cant keep up with 
the program, then tell them to go away. 


9. 


PLAYBOY: Say you've had your eye on а big 
Italian guy for a while, and now he's com- 
ing to your place for dinner. What do you 
cook to seduce? 
DARBANVILLE: Oooh. He can cook for me. 
[Laughs] 1 would make a sauce that my 
girlfriend Maria told me about. Anne 
(continued on page 233) 


139 


Мр 
TOALLA 
GOOD 
NIGHT 


how to host an 
elegant, intimate christmas 
eve dinner for two 


food and drink 
By KAREN MAC NEIL 


OMEWHERE there exists 
that image of the perfect Christmas Eve: starry, snowy, 
seductive. And unlike lots of perfect images, this one 
even seems possible. But is it? As the season of mirth 
and merriment approaches once again, were faced 
with the very practical question of what to actually do 
on Christmas Eve. Invite the lady of your life out for а 
«аѕѕу dinner? Throw in your lot with family? Give a 
cocktail party for two and 20 close friends? Play it per- 
verse and order a feast of take-out Chinese? 

1£ any of these thoughts have occurred to you, dis- 
miss them. Christmas Eve is not the kind of ritual to be 
messed with. No matter how nonconformist or rene- 
gade you are in the normal scheme of things, you must 
put attitude aside just this once and do Christmas Eve 
right. Wrap her in old-fashioned rapture. Pull out the 
stops. Make Christmas Eve dinner for her, and make it 
an unforgettable one. 

No, it should not be you buying the champagne 


and a caterer doing the real work. Trust me, a catered 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARO FEGLEY 


141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


Christmas Eve dinner has all the charm 
of a carburetor. And, I know, you aren't 
Martha Stewart, nor do you want to 
crash-course your way through Julia 
Child. It doesn't matter. There's cooking 
and there's craziness. I'm not suggesting 
that you reinvent gastronomy in a 
kitchen that’s used to a six-pack and a 
couple of grapefruits. 

On the other hand, don't open a can of 
cream-of-mushroom soup, pour it over a 
thawed bird and mix up a few distraction 
martinis. Remember, this is Christmas. 
And there's another thing to think 
about: Feeding someone is intrinsically 
primal and, depending on how you do it, 
a powerful aphrodisiac. So here, dear 
worldly, sophisticated gentlemen, is your 
Christmas Eve menu: 


Caviar and Cröme Fraiche 
on Toasted Brioche 
Iced Vodka 


. 
Chestnut Soup with Roasted 
Chestnuts 
Rosé Champagne 
. 


Cranberry-Orange Relish on Endive 
Wild Rice with Toasted Pine Nuts 
Double-cut Veal Chops 
with Shiitake Mushrooms 
in Cognac Cream Sauce 
Assorted Wines 


E 
Büche de Noel 
“Tawny Port 
. 
Christmas Cookies 
Coffee 
Cognac 


You could use a drink right now? Re- 
serve judgment. I promise it will be pain- 
less to create this meal. Back to strategy. 
A key decision must be made. You can 
play the evening straight and chic or 
keep her wired with small surprises. 
Take, for example, her arrival. You could, 
of course, simply suggest an arrival time, 
so she has to get into her cold car and 
drive over. Still, the scenario doesnt get 
high marks for mood enhancement. A 
Dr. Zhivago-style sleigh would have the 
right spin; too bad it's 100 years 100 late 
asa possibility A limo? That depends on 
her. She'll either love it or gag. 

Less ostentztious but uptown: Send a 
black sedan. Make sure there's some- 
thing wrapped and waiting on the back 
seat for her. Something funny, perhaps 
referring to a shared joke, is best. Resist 
the corny and the obvious: no candy-cane 
panties, please. 

By the time she arrives, you want to be 
not only ready but relaxed. An old cater- 
ing rule has it that great dinner parties 
are so well organized the host can take an 
hours nap before the guests arrive. The 
plan, then, is to pin down as many things 
as possible weeks ahead. 


Lighting, for example, doesnt get 
much better than the subtle dance be- 
tween shimmering Christmas-tree lights 
and the ever-evocative fire. Make sure 
you have good logs, lots of kindling and 
plenty of pine cones to throw on the blaze 
for snap, razzle and that mountain-cabin 
smell. Turn off all the track lights and use 
candles everywhere. 

Choose a progression of music, keep- 
ing her in mind: soft jazz, oldies, blues 
and maybe, just for nostalgia, a few For- 
ties ballroom tunes. She may, after all, 
ask you to dance. You may, after all, just 
feel like holding her. 

The single man’s home may be his 
chrome-and-leather castle, but the feel— 
on this night, anyway—needs to be very 
different. Every room must suggest rich- 
ness and comfort. On the side table, lay 
out a wheel of Stilton cheese. On the 
mantel, put your favorite silver bowl 
brimming with roasted chestnuts. Set out 
tempting chocolates by the tree. These 
are the subtleties that suggest homeyness. 
And they require nothing more than a 
little grocery shopping. 

The last pre-Eve, create-the-ambience 
task is table setting. This is the time to 
drag out, buy or borrow a beautiful table- 
cloth: brocade, lace or linen. And, of 
course, good linen napkins and your best 
china and silver, polished to а gleam. The 
more Ralph Laurenish, the better. An el- 
egant. simple table is what you're after. so 
no buxom bouquets or phallic pepper 
mills. A sprig of mistletoe peeking out of 
her napkin would be nice, however. 

On to the dinner, devised with one 
thing in mind: to keep you from wanting 
to strangle yourself with your apron 
strings. Almost everything, in fact, is 
bought ready-made. Your job is “dressing 
things up” to make them your own, plus 
cooking the chops. First, the caviar. This 
meal gets patriotic later on; for right now, 
though, buy as much of the best Russian 
caviar you can afford. (Leftovers make 
for a tasty Christmas breakfast in bed.) 
Delicious Osetra is the type you want. 

Caviar tastes best when it's spooned on- 
to thin slices of toasted brioche. Soft and 
slightly sweet, brioche can be bought in 
almost any good French bakery or 
gourmet store. Don't worry about other 
potential caviar accompaniments such as 
chopped egg or onion. Instead, put out a 
small dish of créme fraiche (bought in a 
gourmet store) for dabbing on top. 

Glacially cold vodka served in iced 
glasses is caviar's soul mate. If you're seri- 
ous about this, you can ice the bottle 
down as the czars did so that it’s wrapped 
ina strait jacket of ice. If your lady is not 
the vodka type, move straightaway to the 
champagne. 

As the caviar must be the real McCoy, 
so, too, must the champagne. You may 
have happily consumed countless bottles 
of sparkling wine all year long, but 


tonight you must drink bubbles thar 
come only from that treasured region 
northeast of Paris called Champagne. 

Although, truthfully, any French 
champagne would be luscious, Krug's 
Grand Cuvée is legendary. To maximize 
the impact, make it Krugs Rose. Far 
from being frivolous, rosé champagnes 
are richer, deeper, more rare and often 
more costly than golden champagnes. 

Champagne must be served in a tall, 
sleek Ёше—а gorgeous piece of glass, if 
ever there were one. Just holding it can 
make a woman feel sexy. 

Speaking of which, we have neglected 
the not-so-small matter of a Christmas 
gift. If you have bought her something 
big, on the magnitude, say, of a mi- 
crowave oven—or something brainy, 
such as the unabridged version of the 
Oxford English Dictionary—save it for 
Christmas Day. Tonight you must give 
her something small, surprising and per- 
sonal. Tie a gold bracelet to the cham- 
pagne bottle with a bit of ribbon and ask 
her to pour. That sort of present. 

Let the Krug’ Rosé carry you through 
the first course, chestnut soup with roast- 
ed chestnuts. The soup is easily bought in 
a gourmet take-out shop and will need 
only a quick warming over low heat. 
(Oyster soup is the substitute of choice.) 

Just before serving the soup in shallow, 
wide soup bowls set on dinner plates, 
sprinkle roasted chestnuts on top. To wit: 
Buy chestnuts in a supermarket. While 
heating your oven to 350° Fahrenheit, 
with a sharp knife carve an X into the flat 
side of each chestnut shell. (Try not to 
penetrate the meat.) Put all the nuts on a 
baking shect and roast for 30 minutes. 
Cool just enough to handle, but peel the 
chestnuts when they're still warm. 

That first course should be a breeze. 
But now you really step up to bat. The 
main course is composed of three dishes: 
cranberry-orange relish on endive, wild 
rice with toasted pine nuts and double- 
cut veal chops with shiitake mushrooms 
in a cognac cream sauce. Buy both the 
cranberry relish and the cooked wild rice 
at the gourmet store. What you want is 2 
chunky homemade cranberry sauce. At 
home, mince about a teaspoon of thin 
slivers of orange peel and toss them into 
the cranberry sauce. Mound this next to 
crisp endive for a chic, Christmasy salad. 

For the wild rice, all that's needed is a 
few tablespoons of pine nuts that you 
тоаз two to three minutes until golden, 
then sprinkle over the warmed rice. 

Ask the butcher for two double-cut 
one-and-a-half-inch-to-two-inch-thick 
veal chops. Take them out of the fridge a 
half hour before preparing. Warm two 
dinner plates in a very low-heat oven. In 
anonstick skillet, melt two tablespoons of 
butter. Brown the chops on medium-high 
heat, about three minutes on each side. 

(concluded on page 227) 


“Thank God my Christmas endorphins take over for the holiday party marathon.” 


143 


Its Hall or nothing 
No one else will do 
Its Hall or nothing 
You'll be mine before I'm through 


— Hall or Nothing, by ARSENIO НАЦ. 


You can hear the song five nights a week, plus reruns on 
weekends. It's the song that Arsenio wrote to kick off his talk 
show—but what you don't hear on TV is that the song has 
lyrics to go with its partytime groove, lyrics that a pissed-off 
Arsenio wrote after he read a review that said he wouldn't 
have a career without his buddy Eddie Murphy 

That's typical. The Arsenio Hall Show is unquestionably the 
liveliest, and probably the hippest, late-night party on televi- 
sion. ("He attracted a new audience," suggested The New York- 


еқ “the one radio stations refer to as 


PPLAY 


ILE 


of it around. They gonna need a lotta vodka when La Toya 
starts singing.” 

The crowd erupts into the kind of rhythmic barking— 
“Roof! Roof!" —ihat has been popular in black dance clubs for 
a decade, especially since George Clinton's 1982 smash Atomic 
Dog. (Tonight, one group of white kids apparently hasn't been 
listening closely enough, lustily shouting, “Ooo! Oco!") But 
the minute Arsenio or any of his guests drops even a mild 
showbiz platitude, the audience automatically applauds, as if 


by talk-show rote. Several times a night, 


urban contemporary, people who would can success make this hip party turns into the Jerry Lewis 
usually be somewhere else on a week arsenio happy? telethon, with an effusive, gushing Arse- 
night—out.”) But while its 30-year-old can anything? nio leading the cornball love fest. 


host hugs his guests and grins ear to ear 
and slips from the king’s English to ghet- 
to patois and back again, he keeps a lot of 
other stuff to himself. He doesn't talk 
about the way he still smarts from criti- 
cism and feels embattled by fame, or the 
struggle it took to become the first black 
success in a field that's intrinsically con- 
servative and historically lily-white. “The 
suit on the kid from the ghetto,” says Ar- 
senio, “is part of the tightrope walk I do.” 

Tonight, the Ron Rinker suits a soft 
gray striped, the shirt white, the tic a 
metallic-silver-and-blue-gray print. With 
a gleam in his eye, Arsenio stands in 
front of the audience and starts talking 
serious trash about one of his favorite re- 
cent targets: “I read today that La Toya 
Jackson just announced that she's gonna 
hold a concert in the Soviet Union,” he 
says. “That sounds like a hostile act, if 
I've ever heard one. . . . The Russians 
love their vodka. 1 hope they got enough 


RT TR 
MA 


И 


By Steve Pond 


So the tightrope-walking host faces the 
crowd with the split personality, finishes 
his monolog, confers briefly with his pro- 
ducer, Marla Kell Brown—who tells him 
how he’s doing on time and suggests top- 
ics he may want to raise during the up- 
coming segment—and then sits down in 
his chair to bring out guests. There's no 
desk, no phony cityscape through phony 
windows, no co-host, no potted plants. 

"I'm trying to do a new thing, dosome- 
thing different," is how he explains it. "I 
don't want to do The Pat Sajak Show, 
which appears to me to be the second- 
string guard waiting for Magic Johnson 
10 pull his hamstring. He's got the desk. 
he's got all his Lettermanisms, he’s got a 
guy [bandleader Tom Scott] who looks 
like Paul Shaffer. . . . It's like, stop it! 
There's no room for this greatest-hits 
show. We have it already.” 

As a result, he says, he refuses to pre- 
pare snappy (continued on page 224) 


ILLUSTRATION BY BLAIR DRAWSDN 


145 


146 


TA 


getting a kick out of lady wrestlers 


POW! THWACK! Ging witch!” 
Whump! “Wimpette!” Bash! “Nobody 
twists my nose off!" Whammo! Wel- 
come, fans, to the wild world of 
Championship Wrestling, Women's 
Division—sugar 'n' spice and every- 
thing in а vise. Hammer locks, drop 
kicks, death grips, flying scissors and 
now and then a punt to the privates 
But feminine. Fans, don't ever suggest 
to a lady wrestler that her career is 
less dainty than, say, day care. If you 
do, she will patiently explain that 
wrestling is simply one more career 
option for todays woman while she 
grafts your elbow to your ear. "I'm 
pretty, I'm feminine and Im tough,” 
says the American Wrestling Associa- 
tions "Magnificent Mimi Lesseos. 
Mimi is only one of the dangerous 
damsels now starring for fem wres- 
tling agencies: A. WA., GLOW (Сог 
geous Ladies of Wrestling, POWW 
(Powerful Women of Wrestling) and 
The American Angels offer a bevy of. 
good girls to cheer (besides Mimi, 
there are Luscious Lisa, Precious, 
The Farmers Daughter, Bambi) and 
bad girls to boo (Palli the Terrorist, 
Sasha the Russian, Madusa, Queen 
Kong). The best and the baddest are 
here, in hard-hitting action and, for 


the first time, soft focus. 


Luscious liso drops Magnificent Mimi 
(right) in The American Angels, o 
Sebostion Internationol Pictures film 
due from Poramount. А! top, Trudy 
Adams, “The Farmer's Daughter,” in 
black, wins two of three from “Coal 
Miner's Doughter” Donno Spangler. 


18 


The battle between Magnificence ond Lusciousness [Magnificent Mimi and Luscious Liso, stars af The American Angels, are the 
rasslin’ hellions, top) cantinues. Mimi is 58", 125 pounds and a Europeon champ. Luscious Lisa, 53", 98 paunds and new to pro 
wrestling, trained for ten weeks with groppler Alex "The Medic” Knight. She "gat bruised pretty bad" during filming, says 
co-producer Beverly Sebastian, “but she hung in there.” Above, Mimi relaxes with the championship belt she won by delivering 
well-cimed belts to villainess Madusa Miceli. On the apposite page is Gorgeaus Lady of Wrestling Jeanne “Hollywood” Basone. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


Calm down, fight fons. GLOW girl Dawn Rice (obove), a British-born wrestler whose ring name is Godiva, ain't even a champion 
yet. On the opposite page, Luscious Liso—who as Jan MacKenzie made mincemeot of a band of bayou bondits in the movie 
Gator Вай lI—prepares to shower up. At top, she's in another bruiser with Magnificent Mimi. "She's o trouper," Mimi says of Lisa. 
“She's ballsy. | worked with her three months, and she got pretty good.” To Lisa's right is GLOW girl Dono Felton, 22, who studies 
dance by day ond wrestles as Thunderbolt by night. "I'm a nice girl,” says Dono, a drop-kick speciolist. “I fight evildoers.” 


The tale of the tope on Belinda Endress (above): 38-24-33. Fans who would like to volunteer for Belinda's famous “pretzel hold" may 
write to her c/o Dear Playboy. In the action sequence at top, Farmer's Daughter Trudy Adams gets the better of Coal 
Donna Spangler, who just happens to be Trudy 
more leisurely pose at righi—thus avoided the trials of a lady wrestler’s apprenticeship. "When I was starting out in Las Vegas,” soys 
Trudy, “these bad girls brought a blowtorch into the ring and set my pigtails on fire.” But in fem wrestling, the good girls always win 


liner's Daughter 


cousin. Trudy initiated her cousin in the rigors of pro wrestling; Donna—seen in a 


154 


the producer of the 
show we love to 
hate takes us behind the 
scenes and (gulp) 
into the psyches 


article By RICHARD KRAMER 


“WOULD 1 LIE to you? Why would 1 lie to 
you?" Mr. Gerber asks, holding up two 
palms to underline the truth of what he's 
telling us. "This is the call I get from the 
network—this is an emergency call. 
"L'heyre worried that the footsteps sound 
too loud in the dailies. What a disaster!" 

As we all laugh, he scores a goal on the 
coffee-table hockey game. “Bingo!” He's 
pleased with himself, with the show, 
even, it seems, today, with us. “Jesus, 1 
love coming over here. This T 
should be in this business. This is fun.’ 

We arc sitting in Marshall Herskovitz’ 
office—Ed Zwick, Marshall, Mr. Gerber 
and me. Our suite, from which we pro- 
duce the television series thirtysomething, 
is like all the others in the building—ev- 
erything is brown, paneled, quasi- 
Miesian—the color of a good cigar. 
Marshall has tried to stamp his personal- 
ity on the resistant space. A heraldic 
tapestry hangs on one vall, while on the 
others, he has arranged some medieval 
weapons, a photograph of Bodiam 
Castle and an oil painting. When I ques- 
tioned the paintings quality, Marshall 
replied, “I'm glad you like it. It’s by my 
dead father.” 

Mr. Gerber scores another goal. He's 
all smiles today, and so are we. We've sur- 
vived the first season of the series, and it 
has been a success. Ed and Marshall are 
the creators and executive producers of 
thirtysomething, which means they formu- 
late and supervise each of the season's 29 
episodes. They are also directors and 
writers and, less officially, wet nurses and 


ILLUSTRATION BY BLAIR ORAWSON 


PLAYBOY 


156 


scourges to a large staff. I joined the 
show, ar their invitation, soon after ABC 
asked them to turn the pilot into a series. 
My official title at the start of the season 
was story editor; by season's end, I had 
been bumped up to executive story con- 
sultant. 1 have written and worked on 
many of the first season' shows and have 
been involved in the development of all 
of them. The season was a good one for 
me and for the show. 1 have found work 1 
enjoy with people I like, and the show 
has found a perch in the ratings that is 
both comfortable and demographically 
sound: Rich people who buy things 
watch us. 

The press, which attacked us at the 
start as “a bunch of whining Yuppies” 
(People magazine gave us a D-plus), now 
deals with us as a phenomenon of the cul- 
ture. The New York Times has done a se- 
ries of "think” pieces on the show 
(though we sull can't figure out whether 
it likes us or not); therapists use our 
episodes with patients. Мете all proud of 
the show, willing to put in seven-day 
weeks and eager to get to work in the 
morning. Exeryoneis confident there will 
be a second season and no one is sure. If 
there is, Ed and Marshall are that much 
closer to maybe someday, possibly, be- 
coming very rich. If there is, 1 will be- 
come the producer and also get to direct. 
So there are stakes here today, and 
dreams. Those who own houses are, be- 
tween takes, sketching additions; those 
who don't are looking but not yet buying. 

“So anyway" Mr. Gerber continues— 
his first name is David, but he is Mr. Ger- 
ber, at least to me, for he is the head of 
MGM/UA Television, which provides the 
$1,000,000-plus we need each week to 
produce the show—“I’ve got a feeling 
that we could get a pickup for next year 
as carly as the end of next week. And let 
me add, I hope I'm right.” 

We hope he's right, too, and, needing 
reassurance, we choose, this afternoon, 
to believe his hunch. 

“So what do you think that means?” Ed 
asks after Mr. Gerber leaves. 

“That he doesn't know,” Marshall says. 
“No one knows. Maybe we'll never know, 
maybe we'll just do a second year and 
have to pay for it out of our bar mitzuah 
money" 

Ме adjourn, encouraged but as yet not 


7 picked up, left to consider this prime- 


time version of the existential void. 


. 

One day—this is 12 years ago now, 
when I was living in New York and trying 
to make a go of it as a free-lance writer— 
I slipped a disc on the uptown local. 1 
spent the nexttwo months in bed, feeling 
sorry for myself and watching, through 
the sweet haze of muscle relaxers, a lot of 
TV I decided to try writing a script, so, 
arranging my pillows and propping a 
record album up against my knees, I be- 


gan. I'd watched, while in bed, several 
episodes of the series Family; it seemed 
easy enough to echo its smug, suburbanly 
moral voice. In a couple of weeks, 1 had 
60 pages; I put them into an envelope, 
found out the names of the producers 
from Variety and cast it out—a script in a 
bottle, so to speak—to California. 

That boule was found, and bought, 
and I moved to L.A. and became a story 
editor on the series James at 15. That job 
was notable for one thing: It was how I 
met Ed Zwick and became part of the be- 
ginnings of thirtysomething. We started 
our first lunch as buyer and seller (me 
pompous, Ed eager) and ended it as 
friends—two nice, complicated Jewish 
boys who were the same age, similarly 
nervy and needy, both with an ironic 
sense of our own bullshit quotient and an 
appreciation of it in each other. I couldn't 
get them to hire Ed at James al 15—I 
couldn't get them to do anything at James 
at 15—but we had lunch again, anyway, 
and again after that, and we vowed one 
day to work together, because friends 
were what mattered in “this town,” and 
how great it would be to work one day 
with one’s network of friends. 

Ed had already started to establish that 
network. Marshall Herskovitz—another 
nice, complicated Jewish boy—had been 
in Ed's class at the American Film Insti- 
tute. Recognizing each other as the other 
smartest person around, they had de- 
clared a pact of mutual disarmament. 

I met Marshall through Ed, shortly 
after that first lunch. We would play rac- 
quetball, gossiping about Ed's aggres- 
siveness, and compare notes on our 
analysts—concluding, over the years, 
that (A) the gains made in one's treat- 
ment were difficult, if not impossible, to 
ever put into words and (B) all analysts 
are short. 

During those years before dhirtysome- 
thing, | worked a lot, every now and then 
writing a script that, albeit unmade, 
would be well enough received by the 
powerless middle-management studio 
career women—that army of Melissas 
and Laurens—to assure me my next job. 
1 spent two years writing a script for a fa- 
mous producer that so pleased him that 
he rewarded me with a fat "advisory" 
deal and a promise to direct a movie. 
This came to an end when he fired the 
distinguished director with whom I'd 
spent the two years preparing the film, 
and I learned, on the same day that he'd 
had a well-known hack writing a script 
оп the same subject at the same time 1 
was. 1 exıricated myself from this man's 
employ. 

Somewhere inside me, a small voice 
whispered, “Work with friends. . . . Work 
with friends. , . .” But that voice was still 
too small to be heard or understood. 

Meanwhile, Marshall and Ed became a 
team, won Emmys for their work and 


made a television deal with MGM/UA. 
One day they learned, at the height of 
selling season, that they'd been sched- 
uled for a meeting at ABC in two days' 
time and they had nothing to sell. They 
panicked, of course, and then clutched; 
Ed traces their ultimate breakthrough to 
his wife, Liberty She made reference to 
the Booth cartoon in which a wife takes 
in the sight of her blocked-writer hus- 
band and the room full of canines he in- 
habits and acidly tells him, “So write 
about dogs. ...” 

Ed called Marshall then, both to see if 
he had any ideas and to mention the 
dogs. 

“Dogs?” Marshall asked him. 

“You heard me... " 

Marshall decided that if the subject 
were dogs, he'd better get over to Ed's 
house, where there was a dog, Max. 

“You want to do a pilot about Max?” 
Marshall asked when he got to Eds. 
“What, is Max going to talk or some- 
thing? I hate shit like that.” 

"Right!" Ed said. "Max! And you and 
me and liberty and Susan and our 
friends and the kids and the house and 
the plumber." 

"Think I gez it," Marshall said. “Dogs. 

ABC got it, too. They said, "We love it, 
go write и” Ed and Marshall wrote a 
draft of an hour that could both stand on 
its own and serve as astyle-and-substance 
blueprint in case (God willing, God for- 
bid) the pilot became a series. The script 
was about a married couple with a baby 
who lived in Philadelphia (Marshall's 
home town) and the friends, marricd 
and otherwise, who formed their circle. 
Hope, the wife, had an anxiety attack 
about hiring a baby sitter; the crisis in- 
volved her and her husband Michael's de- 
cision not to go camping with their 
friends. That was all, and that was thirty- 
something. Ed and Marshall handed in 
the script and the network said, "Make 
Pg 


Ed gave me the script to read. "It's sort 
of about nothing," he warned me. “Just 
our lives" I hated it and pretended to 
like it, but he knew I hated it and, as it 
took its steps toward production, with 
Marshall as the director, he never men- 
tioned it to me again. I had, at the time, 
my own problems; boredom and frustra- 
tion made me decide, “I'll beat this 
town," and I watched as I tried to turn 
myself from a writer into a deal maker. 1 
came up with ideas such as Alien Pyg- 
mation and The King and 1 in Space. was 
lucky enough never to have to write any 
of these things; before 1 could start, Ed 
called me with the latest news on 

thirtysomething. 
“I have good news and bad news,” he 
said. "The good news is the pilot got 
(continued on page 203) 


“Ho, ho, ho.” 


ШШЩ 


the hottest country in europe, spain vaults into the 215! century 


travel By Herbert Bailey Livesey ses ıs час and sizzling like ой 
in a red-hot paella pan. In a scant decade, the former land of sun-washed ennui has leapt 
from the rim of the Third World to the cusp of the 21st Century. Northern Europeans 
once sneered that Africa began at the Pyrenees. Now, Teutonic tycoons with umlauts in 
their logos look over their shoulders and see Spain gaining on them. Inflation is down, 
investment is through the roof and it has the highest-revving economy in Europe. And 
it's about to kick into turbodrive. The year to watch is 1992, a watershed of profound once 
and future significance. It's the fifth centennial of Queen Isabella's decision to under- 
write a voyage by a man known to her as Cristóbal Colón. He bumped into an empire 
while she was busy ending eight centuries of Arab occupation. It is also the year the Com- 
mon Market has chosen to drop its internal customs barriers, the longest step yet toward 
aunited Europe. To celebrate, Barcelona nabbed the summer Olympics, Seville is mount- 
ing a six-month-long world's fair and Madrid has been designated “cultural capital” of 
the entire continent. All in 1992. No nation had a longer way to go. For nearly 40 ycars, 


The windmills of Consuegra hove changed litile since Miguel de Cervantes pitted the дону 
Don Quixote against them; but some 60 miles away, high-rises prick the skyline of Madrid. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


160 


Spain had been pinned in place һу a ro- 
tund generalissimo named Francisco 
Franco, who managed to repeal several 
centuries. Couples were arrested for 
necking in public and men had to wear 
tops on their bathing suits at a time when 
France was inventing the monokini. 
While London swung, roosters were 
making wake-up calls in Madrid. When, 
in 1975, Franco finally gaspcd his last, 
after the most attenuated mortal illness 
in memory, the loudest sound was of clos- 
ets opening. 

Spaniards blinked and floundered in 
the light of what they dubbed La Liber 
tad. They were baffled by all those 
choices! Options! Alternatives! The sam- 
pling of once-forbidden fruits was nearly 
universal. Transvestites and punks and 
porn invaded the streets. Grass and 
hashish were. decriminalized. Crime es- 
calated. A new generation of magazines 
and newspapers, free of censorship, 
shoved at the boundaries of taste and 
credulity La Movida, a loose coalition of 
nose-thumbing film makers, fashion de- 
signers and artists, outdid even them 
Every week saw another strike or demon- 
stration or election. 

Spain made itself, in other words, a 
democracy And today's Spain constitutes 
the best argument for that form of im- 
perfect government since Thomas Jeffer- 
son. Now is the time to go, to witness a 
country reinventing itself. In 1992, there 
may not be room. 


Spain is already the destination of first 


From the top, left: Tooling around on a 
rented scooter is one way to beat the 
traffic in booming Borcelono, which is 
busily preparing to host the Olympic 
Gomes in 1992. Toledo's norrow lones 
seem made for romonce ofter о heovy- 
duty day of sight-seeing (the entire city is 
о national monument). Posters in Seville 
announce the schedule of corridas ot the 
local plaza de toros, one of Spoin's cld- 
est; in Madrid's bull ring, o matador in his 
кое de luces (suit of lights] executes a 
precisely choreographed dance of death. 


The waters af the Mediterranean ore incredibly clear off the island af Formentera, one of the Balearics (above). That and 2900 
hours of sun per year make its nude beaches—unthinkable in the heyday of the late Generalissimo Francisco Franco—among 


the most popular, riveled only by those on its sister island of Ibiza (below), where tado el mundo gaes topless ct Malibu Beach. 


choice for its European Economic Com- 
munity compatriots. Nearly 55,000,000 
people flood over the borders every year, 
leaving behind almost 17 billion dollars 
in francs, pounds, marks, yen and green- 
backs. They are drawn by a place that 
piques intellects and senses at every turn. 
А recent PR campaign held that Spain 
was "all Europe in a single country" Nev- 
er has there been more truth in advertis- 
ing. Name a need, a quirk, a kick, a 
desire . . . it's there. Sleep in an llth Сеп. 
tury castle. Walk by moonlight in a Ro- 
man theater. Dine as well as on the Right 
Bank. Swim in January on a subtropical 
island. Like Italy and unlike France or 
England, Spain boasts three great cities, 
not just one. And within a day's trip of 
Madrid, Barcelona and Seville are 
a dozen morc—smaller but nearly as 
engrossing 

A curious brand of supply-side social- 
ism is the engine behind much of the 


country’s growth, and pragmatic prime 


minister Felipe González is its drive 
The results are more Thatcher than 
Marx. State-owned industries are going 
private, caps have been imposed on 
union wage settlements, international 
banks and conglomerates have been al- 
lowed to rush in and carve out slices. 
Spain, Inc., was long shrouded and 
stultified by ham-handed civil bureauc- 
racies. The travel agency you used, the 
plane in which you flew, the car you rent- 
ed, the gasoline you bought were all in 


the hands of (continued on page 200) 


Caught in the ancient spell of Ibiza, first 
settled in the Eighth Century &C., aur trav- 
elers visit the historic Dalt Vila area in the 
islond's capital (top left] before heoding 
ta the hot disca Pacha (left). Back on 
the mainland, they pen postcords in their 
suite ot Borcelono's five-star Hotel Ritz, an 
elegant re-creation of the belle époque 
style [top right). Across the country in 
Seville, they visit the Ploza de Езройо 
{right}, picturesque souvenir of 1929's 
Iberc-American Exposition. Seville is now 
readying another world's fair, Expa '92. 


SMOS 
SUCIA 


maid-to-order 
tidbits from the original 
french domestic 


"It's all right for you, Benson; you don't have to “And she’s marvelous with the children, too.” 
164 cope with ten lords aleapin’.” 


"Wellard —how many times must I tell you? — 
Friday is Suzettes night off!” 


“Апа will madame be requiring 
her panties tonight? 


165 


» 


“I thought ‘trick or treat’ was only Halloween. 


“The dear general still enjoys his 
little military ways." 


166 


interview Ву Dr. JEFFREY М. ELLIOT 


The facts are well known. During 1988, in a cam- 
paign marked by name calling, race baiting and puffed- 
up patriotism, Republican Vice-President George Bush 
trounced his Democratic challenger, Governor Michael 
Dukakis, winning 54 percent of the popular vote and a 
near-landslide victory in the Electoral College. It is easy 
to forget that for a time, the outcome was по! so certain. 

‘Shaken by Dukakis’ pre-election surge, the Bush cam- 
paign came up with Willie Horton, a black convicted 
murderer who'd been charged with raping a Maryland 
woman after escaping while on a furlough from a Mas- 
sachusetts prison. Dubbed "Bush's Most Valuable Player,” 
Horton became the star of a devastating television com- 
mercial that appeared for 28 days last fall and imputed 
that Dukakis was “sofi on crime” (the furlough pro- 
gram—established by Dukakis’ predecessor, Republican 
governor Francis Sargent—granted the possibility of 
furlough to convicts serving life-without-parole sentenc- 
es). The idea to use Horton in the campaign was that of 
the Bush election brain trust, though Bush himself later 
disavowed the ad. 

By Election Day, few had not been exposed to the grisly 
details of Horton's crimes. These began in 1974, when he 
and two accomplices were charged with the brutal murder 
of 17-year-old Joseph Fournier, a service-station atlend- 
ant, whose body, stabbed 19 times, was found stuffed in a 
trash barrel, his feet jammed up near his chin. 

Convicted of armed robbery and murder, the trio was 
sentenced to life in prison without possibility of parole. In 
1986, Horton, who had served 11 years, was granted a 
furlough. He had taken earlier furlough trips without 
incident. However, this time, he failed to return. 

Ten months later, he was arrested near Washington, 
D.C., for terrorizing a young couple, Angela Miller and 
Clifford Barnes. Horton was convicted of brutally raping 
Miller and slashing Barnes across the chest and stom- 
ach—22 times. 

Through it all, Horton proclaimed his innocence of 
both crimes—as do many convicted prisoners. Presently 
incarcerated at the Maryland State Penitentiary in Balti- 
more, Horton has previously refused all interviews. Al- 
though this interview has been edited for space, Horton's 
language is his own. 


pLavboy: During the Presidential campaign, you be- 
came a symbol of evil and depravity. Why do you 
think the reaction you provoked was so strong? 
HORTON: First, it’s hard for me to understand or appre- 
ciate the intensity of feeling that exists. After all, I 
have very little contact with the outside world. Need- 
less to say, through well-honed advertising skills, the 
Bush campaign succeeded in portraying me as the 
Devil incarnate. To be truthful, if it were someone 
else—and 1 were not sitting in prison—and I didn't 
know the real truth, I'd probably feel the same way. 

I do wish, however, that the public possessed the 
common sense to understand that there's two sides to 
every story—and that they should suspend judgment 
until they've heard both sides. I have the evidence— 
which is readily available to anyone who wishes to ex- 
amine the trial transcripts—that I did not commit the 
crimes I was convicted of. 

PLAYBOY: We'll return to that. But first, how did you 
feel when you found out about the ad? Did you think 
il was racist? 

HORTON: Was the ad racist? Hell, you know it was. And 
I'm not the only victim of racism. All poor people and 
minorities are portrayed in a similar manner by 
people who exploit their (continued on page 218) 


the man 


whose menacing 


face and 


A 

FEW 
WORDS 
FROM... 
WILLIE 
HORTON 


ILLUSTRATION BY RAFAL OLBINSKI 


PLAYBOY 


168 


The (SWIMMERS 


(continued from page 117) 


“They arranged to meet for drinks that afternoon, 
and spent the next two days together” 


water. When Joan Lunt reached the end 
of the pool, she ducked immediately 
down into the water in a well-practiced 
maneuver, turned, used the tiled side to 
kick off from, in a single graceful motion 
that took her a considerable distance, 
and Clyde Farrell's heart contracted 
when, emerging from the water, head 
and shoulders and flashing arms, the 
woman didn't miss a beat, just continued 
as if she hadn't been confronted with any 
limit or impediment, any boundary. It 
was just water, and her in it, water that 
might go on forever, and her in it, swim- 
ming, sealed off and invulnerable. 

Clyde Farrell dived into the pool, and 
swam vigorously keeping to hisown lane, 
energetic and single-minded, too, and 
when, after some minutes, he glanced 
around for the woman in the yellow 
bathing suit, the woman I'd told him of 
meeting, Joan Lunt, he saw, to his disap- 
pointment, that she was gone. 

His vanity was wounded. He thought, 
She never once looked at me. 


. 

My father and my unde Clyde were 
farm boys who left the farm as soon as 
they were of age: joined the U.S. Navy 
out of high school, went away, came back 
and lived and worked in town, my father 
in a small sign shop and Clyde in a suc- 
cession of jobs. He drove a truck for a 
gravel company, he wasa foreman in a lo- 
cal tool factory. he managed a sporting- 
goods store; he owned property at Wolf's 
Head Lake, 20 miles to the north, and 
spoke with vague enthusiasm of develop- 
ing it someday He wasrit a practical man 
and he never saved money. He liked to 
gamble at cards and horses. In the Navy, 
he'd learned to box and for a while after 
being discharged, he considered a pro- 
fessional career as a welterweight, but 
that meant signing contracts, traveling 
around the country, taking orders from 
other men. Not Clyde Farrell's tempera- 


ment. 

He was good-looking, not tall, about 
5'9", compact and quick on his feet, a nat- 
ural athlete, with well-defined shoulder 
andarm muscles, strong, sinewy legs. His 
hair was the color of damp sand, his eyes 
a warm liquid brown, all iris. There was a 
gap between his two front teeth that gave 
hima childlike look and was misleading. 

No onc ever expected Clyde Farrell to 
get married, or even to fall seriously in 
love. That capacity in him seemed miss- 
ing, somehow: a small but self-pro- 
claimed absence, like the gap between his 
teeth. 


But Clyde was powerfully attracted to 
women, and after watching Joan Lunt 
swim that morning, he drifted by later in 
the day to Kress's, Yewvilles largest de- 
partment store, where he knew she'd re- 
cently started to work. Kress’s was a store 
of some distinction, the merchandise was 
of high quality, the counters made of 
solid, burnished oak; the overhead light- 
ing was muted and flattering to women 
customers. Behind the counter display- 
ing gloves and leather handbags, Joan 
Lunt struck the eye as an ordinarily pret- 
ty woman, composed, intelligent, femi- 
nine, brunette, with а brunettes 
маху-рае skin, carefully made up, even 
glamourous, but not a woman Clyde Far- 
rell would have noticed, much. He was 32 
years old, in many ways much younger. 
This woman was too mature for him, 
wasn't she? Probably married or di- 
vorced, very likely with children. Clyde 
thought, In her clothes, she’s just another 
one of them. 

So Clyde walked out of Kress's, a store 
he didn't like anyway, and wasn't going to 
think about Joan Lunt, but one morning 
a few days later, there he was, unaccount- 
ably, back at the У.М.С.А., 7:30 am. of a 
weekday in March 1959, and there, too, 
was Joan Lunt in her satiny-yellow 
bathing suit and gleaming white cap. 
Swimming laps, arm over strong, slender 
arm, stroke following stroke, oblivious of 
Clyde Farrell and of her surroundings, so 
Clyde was forced to see how her presence 
in the old, tacky, harshly chlorinated pool 
made of the place something extraordi- 
nary that lifted his heart. 

That morning, Clyde swam in the pool 
for only about ten minutes, then left and 
hastily showered and dressed and was 
waiting for Joan Lunt out in the lobby. 
Clyde wasn't a shy man, but he could give 
that impression when it suited him. 
When Joan Lunt appeared, he stepped 
forward and smiled and introduced him- 
self, saying, "Miss Lunt? 1 guess you 
know my niece Sylvie? She told me about 
meeting you." Joan Lunt hesitated, then 
shook hands with Clyde and said in that 
way of hers that suggested she was giving 
information meant to be clear and un- 
equivocal, "Mv first name is Joan.” She 
didn't smile but seemed prepared to 
smile. 

Joan Lunt was a good-looking woman 
with shrewd dark cyes, straight dark cye- 
brows, an expertly reddened mouth. 
There was an inch-long white scar at the 
left corner of her mouth like a sliver of 
glass. Her thick, shoulder-length dark- 


brown hair was carefully waved, but the 
ends were damp; although her face was 
pale, it appeared heated, invigorated by 
exercise. 

Joan Lunt and Clyde Farrell were near- 
ly of a height, and comfortable together. 

Leaving the Y.M.C.A., descending the 
old granite steps to Main Street that were 
worn smooth in the centers, nearly hol- 
low with decades of feet, Clyde said 10 
Joan, “You're a beautiful swimmer—1 
couldn't help admiring you in there,” 
and Joan Lunt laughed and said, “And so 
are you—I was admiring you, too,” and 
Clyde said, surprised, “Really? You saw 
me?” and Joan Lunt said, “Both times.” 

It was Friday They arranged to meet 
for drinks that afternoon, and spent the 
next two days together. 


. 

In Yewville, no one knew who Joan 
Lunt was except as she presented herself: 
a woman in her mid-30s, solitary, very 
private, seemingly unattached, with no 
relatives or friends in the area. No one 
knew where exactly she'd come from, or 
why; why here of all places, Yewville, New 
York, a small city of fewer than 30,000 
people, built on the banks of the Eden 
River, in the southwestern foothills of the 
Chautauqua Mountains. She had arrived 
in early February in a dented rust-red 
1956 Chevrolet with New York State li- 
cense plates, the rear of the car piled with 
suitcases, cartons, clothes. She spent two 
nights in Yewvilles single good hotel, 
The Mohawk, then moved into a tiny fur- 
nished apartment on Chambers Street. 
She spent several days interviewing for 
jobs downtown, all of which you might 
call jobs for women specifically, and was 
hired at Kresss, and started work 
promptly on the first Monday morning 
following her arrival. If it was sheerly 
good luck, the job at Kress's, the most 
prestigious store in town, Joan Lunt 
seemed to take it in stride, the way a per- 
son would who felt she deserved as much. 
Or better. 

The other saleswomen at Kress's, other 
tenants in the Chambers Street building, 
теп who approached her—no one could 
get to know her. It was impossible to get 
beyond the woman's quick, just slightly 
edgy smile, her resolute cheeriness, her 
purposefully vague manner. Asked 
where she was from, she would say, 
"Nowhere vou'd know" Asked was she 
ied, did she have a family, she would 

an independent woman, I'm 
well over eighteen." She'd laugh to sug- 
gest that this was a joke, of a kind, the 
thin scar beside her mouth white with 
anger. 

И was observed that her fingers were 
entirely ringless. 

But the nails were perfectly mani- 
cured, polished an enamel-hard red. 

It was observed that, for a solitary 

(continued on page 190) 


E 


o 
[Le hv: x е ® e di 


“He's been upset since they colorized ‘It’s a Wonderful Life, 
and I think it’s finally pushed Him over the edge!” 


fl 


Le 


SSMO tthe 


NM 


169 


pick the hits 


POP MUSIC 1989 Was a year of provocative con- 
trasts, from Tone-Loc to Pete Townshend. 
Guns f Roses and the a cappella jazz group 
Take 6 shared success on the charts. Lou 
Reed, Roy Orbison and Chet Baker were res 
discovered. It was a very good year for 
women: Edie Brickell, Natalie Merchant, 
Paula Abdul and Melissa Etheridge, to name 
a few De La Soul and Living Colour, two 
black bands, took on rock and roll and 
crossed a great divide We celebrated the 
20th anniversary of Woodstock, and, as we 
predicted last year, the dinosaur tours kept 
going but gathered momentum when the 
Stones buried their differences, produced a 
hot new album and hit the road. Hollywood 
honored The Killer, Jerry Lee Lewis, and 
Spike Lee's movie built its climax around а 
boom box. Even the good, gray New York 
Times went country with a profile of Randy 
Travis. After years of hearing that jazz is 
making a comeback, it really is, and rock is 
no longer a thing separate and apart. In short, 
there was a whole lot of shaking going on. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAUL NATKINPHOTO RESERVE INC. 


THE BALLOT 


The Playboy Music Ballot is a breeze to fill out this year. We worked really hard to make the people and the events on the ballot 
reflect 19895 magic moments. All you have to do is check off the box next to your favorite performer or album in each 
Category. We've left a write-in spot for those of you who think you have a better idea. Then tear off the ballot and use the 
envelope attached to send in your vote. postmarked no later than midnight. December 15. 1989. All you'll need is a stamp. 


rock jazz 
Male Vocalist/Rock Female Vocalist/Rock Male Vocalist/Jazz Female Vocalist/Jazz 
Bono O Paula Abdul O Roy Ayers O Patti Austin 
O Dovid Bowie O тас ортоп O Tony Bennett O Bosio 
О Peter Gabriel О Toni Childs C Ray Charles O Betty Carter 
C Ziggy Marley О Gloria Estefan О Sammy Davis Ir. О Ella Fitzgerald 
C3 Paul Cortney C] Melissa Etheridge OA Jarreau O Tonio Moria 
D John Cougar Mellencamp O lila Ford DDr. John O Carmen Абое 
E George Michael C Debbie Gibson O Bobby McFerrin O Sade 
O Prince C1 Madonna O frank Sinatra O Morlena Shaw 
O Lou Reed O Bonnie Raitt О Mel Tormé O Sarah Youghon 
Û Steve Winwood U Michelle Shocked О Joe Williams O Cassandra Wilsan 
چ پپپ‎ j1 AA | nn О 
Instrumentalist/Rock Group/Rock Instrumentolist/Jazz Group/Jarz 
C] Peter Buck O Bon Jovi O Terri Lyne Cortinglon C Chick Corea Akoustic Band 
C) Clarence Clemons C] Edie Brickell & New Bohemians O Hany Connick, Jr. C Dirty Dozen Brass Band 
Robert Cray C) Cowboy Junkies O Miles Davis D Hirashimo 
DEdge O Guns n’ Roses Dkenny 6 СО Pat Metheny Group. 
E Jeff Healey COINS О Herbie Hancock C № дет Jazz Quartet 
Û Joe Jackson О Living Colour О Branford Marsalis О Pieces of a Dream 
O Joe Satriani O Metallica О Wynton Marsalis, C Rippingtons 
C Paul Shaffer OREM. О №ее O Spyro Gyra 
C] Ringo Storr С Rolling Stones O David Sanborn О Steps Ahead 
O Kip Winger D Traveling Wilburys O Grover Washington, Jr Toke 6 
о کک کک‎ o 
Rock Album Jazz Album 
C Big Daddy—John Cougar Mellencamp DAmandlo—Miles Dovis 


O Blind Mans Zoo—10,000 Maniacs D Lets Get Lost—Chet Boker 


Disintegration —The Cure D Chick Corea Akoustic Bond 

О Full Moon Fever—Tom Petty Dino Sentimental Mood—Dr. John 
O Green—R.EM O The Majesty of the Blues— 

C Like о Proyer—Madonna Wynton Marsalis 

LA New Flame—Simply Red О Paint of View—Spyro Gyro 

С Repeat Offender—Richard Marx D hate 6 


С Shooting Rubberbonds at the Stars— 
Edie Brickell & New Bohemians 
D Steel Wheels—Rolling Stones 


O Trio Jespy— 8ranlord Marsolis 

O The Tiuth ls Spoken Here— 
Мога Roberts 

O Voodoo—Dirly Dozen Brass Bond 

y == 


п 


11909 SIONITII '09V2IH) 
EEZIL ХО8 “Od 
1104 HOU ОМУ 227г AOBAVId 


11909 11 'ODVOIHO 
INYA 3HOHS 34Y1HIHON 089 ax 


“DNI 'S3SIHdHAIN3 ана 


Say u»bjop 
РЕ | 
- UD x 
š 
o == = ts 
ә e > z E 
Si. = >e S aligi 
= ННН sur р ЕНЕ Š 
въз ЕЕ 8 = 
o 3552232252 Eur ЕЕН КЕЕ ЕН 
о 0000000000 | 00000000000 


2 
E 
m 
c 
2 
= 
E 
< 
т 
© 
= 
m 


hall 
of 
fame 


Hall of Fame 


O Chuck Berry 

C James Brown 
O Aretha Franklin 
Deny Gorda 

C Dizzy Gillespie 
O Jerry Lee Lewis 
C) Loretta Lynn 
[Bob Marley 

C) Roy Orbison 

C Buck Owens 

О Charlie Parker 
C Prince 

O Keith Richards 
C Smokey Robinson 
D Diono Ross 
Sting 

CJ Frank Zappa 


әзәц uppiap 


r&b 


Male Vocalist/R&B Female Vocolist/R&B 
C Bobby Brown O Anito Boker 
СО Peabo Bryson Neneh Cherry 
С Terence Trent D'Arby O Natdlie Cole 
[Kool Moe Dee O Mica Poris 
(CO Freddie Jackson O Brenda Russell 
DU Cool J O Noii Staples 
DTone-Loc C] Brendo К. Starr 
CAI B. Sure! O Jody Watley 
D Keith Sweat O Karyn White 
C Luther Vandross C Vanessa Williams 
ی‎ o 
Group/R&B R&B Album 
Ashford & Simpson O Botman— Prince. 
Ode La Soul O Dont Be Crvel--Bobty Brown 
1 Fine Young Cannibals C Girl You Know 5 Irve— Milli Vonilli 
OD.. Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prine Г] Hangin’ Tough— New Kids on the Block 
O lisa Liso ond Cult Jom О Knowledge ls King—Kool Moe Dee 
C Neville Brothers D Làc-ed After Dark—Tone-Löt 
C New Edition O The Row & the Cooked— 
C Public Enemy Fine Young Cannibals 
Dsalt-n-Pepa O Row Like Sushi—Neneh Chetry 
OO Wos (Nor Was) O Straight Outta Compton—N.W.A. 
[а ——— ——— C13 Feet High and Rising—De La Soul 
p EN 
top-ten 
music 
videos 
Top-Ten Music Videos 
C Armageddon I—Def Leppard 
O Baldance— Prinre 
O End of the Line—Traveling Wilburys 
D Express Yourself—Madonna 
D Leave Me Alone— Michael Jackson 


O Рийете—бопз sf Roses 
DO She Drives Me Crazy—Fine Young Cannibals 
O Stond—R E.M. 

T Straight Up— Paulo Abdul 

O Mild Thing—Tone-Loc 

п 


country —— 


Male Vocalist/Country Female Vocalist/Country 
C Clint Black C Rosanne Cosh 
О Rodney Crowell C lacy J. Dolton 
O Joe Ely O Holly Dunn 
O lye Lovett O Emmylou Harris 
O Willie Nelson Ok d. long 
О George Strait O Patty Loveless 
O Rondy Travis O Kathy Matteo 
O Ricky Van Shelton C] febo McEntire 
Dwight Yoakam OK T. Oslin 
O Hank Willioms, Jr. O Dolly Porton 
О п 

Group/Country Country Album 
DAlobamo C Absolute Torch und Twang— 
C Billie & the Boys К d. lang ond the Redines 
(Desert Rose Band O Beyond the Blue Neon— 
D Foster and Lloyd George Strait 
C The Judd; 15:01 Blues—Merle Hoggard 
[C Nitty Gritty Dirt Bond O Kentucky Thunder— Ricky Skaggs 
C Ook Ridge Boys O Killin’ Time int Block 
O Restless Heart C Dne Woman Man—George Jones 
O Southern Poli O River af Time—The Judds 
O Sweethearts of the Rodeo C) Southern Star—Alaboma 
MA C Sweet Sixteen—Rebo McEntire 


O Will the Cirde Be Unbroken, Vol. И 
Nitty Gritty Dirt Band 
[j, A RITU А 


— best veejay-— 


Best Veejay (MTV, BET, TNN) 


C Robin Breedon 

O Julie Brown 

O Adam Curry 

O Alvin Jones 

C China Kantner 

O Shelley Mangrum 

O Martho Quinn 

О Kevin Seal 

О Shotgun Red (Puppet Veejoy) 
C Donnie Simpson 


AR 


“Oooco—preholiday sex is beginning to make sense!” 


175 


ooo mm тк уе, - 


Ull IM JEA | 


u‏ س 


| MICHAEL KEATON, | 
KIM BASINGER t 
| The Megahitters | 
of Summer Ee 


PL. 


JACK NICHOLSON 
Laughing All the Way 


== 


+ 
= = 
М > 
o WEN 
E Ww 
- e 
| В \ 
CHER EDOIE MURPHY | 
› 1 Able-bodied Seawoman Beverly Hills Dad? y 


— 


BRIGITTE NIELSEN ROB LOWE 


@п Her Mark Tail of the Tape В 


ALISA SOTO 
Hue-Ribbon Bond 


н?г. 
A P” 


MEG RYAN “з 
Ohh! Yes! Yes! Yes!! <: 


ы | 


UMA THURMAN Е | ANDIE MACDOWELL N 
| 


From Vixen to Venus Ё sex, lies' Mac Attack 


" = 
oem 11 
MEL GIBSON ' F 
Still Lethal | 


7 
i^ 
N 
KEVIN COSTNER | 
Dreamsboat 
Е: = 
d 
кь. 
Ar, 


/ 


RON PERLMAN 
Simply Beastly 


PATRICK SWAYZE 
Brawniest Bouncer 


MADONNA 
Back to Her Roots 


MICHELLE PFEIFFER 
Pfabulous Pface 


DO BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN? madonna 


seems to think so. Shed of Sean Penn, she made a 
controversial video, got dropped from Pepsi ads and 
has been linked with her Dick Tracy co-star, Warren 
Beatty. After a steamy encounter with Mel Gibson in 
Tequila Sunrise, Michelle Pfeiffer copped an Oscar 
nomination for Dangerous Liaisons; Sigourney 
Weaver, who earned two Academy Award nominations 
(for Gorillas in the Mist and Working Girl), altered her 
image by donning a vampish blonde wig for lensman 
Helmut Newton. Melanie Griffith, yet another Oscar 
nominee (for Working Girl), tied tne knot again with 
ex-husband Don Johnson. Diane Sawyer abandoned 
CBS' ship 60 Minutes to co-anchor а new vessel, 
ABC's Prime Time Live, for a reported $1,500,000. 
Wrestling champ Hulk Hogan sprang out of the ring to 
make his movie debut in No Holds Barred; Patsy Ken- 
sitofthe rock group Eighth Wonder landed the covet- 
ed role of Mel Gibson's love interest in Lethal Weapon 
2. As tor Morganna, baseball's inimitable “Kissing 
Bandit," she bussed Pat Sajak during the debut of his 
new CBS talk show and was the subject of a third 
Playboy feature (Ode to Morganna, September). 


1 


PATSY KENSIT 
Wonder Weapon 


HULK HOGAN 
Mightiest Muscle Man 


MORGANNA 
Grandstand Player 


MELANIE GRIFFITH 
Working Wife 


DIANE SAWYER [Ж 
Hoisted Anchor = » 


a d 


NATALYA NEGODA 
Blasnost's Gift 


ШЕК Ж. 


y ©) KIMBERLEY CONRAD HEFNER 
4 i Bride of the Year 


LA TOYA JACKSON 
Big-Sister Act 


PLAYBOY 


that quickly spread from Manhattan to 
Beverly Hills. To satisfy the Atlanta dis- 
trict attorney, Lowe agreed to 20 hours of 
public service; but he still faces a lawsuit 
from the irate mother of one of the 
young ladies, пот to mention protesis 
from parents of kids in the youth groups 
he was scheduled to serve. 

Whatever actually happened in the ho- 
tel room, it couldn't have been as much 
fun as what Lowe's insurance company 
quickly announced it would not cover. In 
lawyerly terms, the Chubb Custom In- 
surance Company renounced all respon- 
sibility for any actor who uses his 
"celebrity status as an inducement to fe- 
males to engage in sexual intercourse, 
sodomy and multiple-party sexual activi- 
ty for his immediate sexual gratification 
and for the purpose of making porno- 
graphic films." 

Coincidentally, the beautiful Basinger 
also hails from Georgia, and soon after 
finishing Batman, she took her earnings 
and bought the tiny town of Braselton, 
near her birthplace. It's just an old cot- 
ton-mill town, but Basinger said she 
wanted to preserve the memories. 
"These are the fields where I learned 
oral sex!" she told Vanity Fair, which is 
bound to make Braselton a tourist attrac- 
tion as soon as they can figure out how to 
design the monument. 

Basinger must have had a lot to discuss 
with Jerry Hall, who also worked on Bat- 
man, as the ladylove of Jack (the Joker) 
Nicholson. Hall has lived with Mick Jagger 
for some years and, according to the di- 
aries of her late friend Andy Warhol, em- 
ploys an amiable method of keeping him 
faithful. 

"Even if you only have two seconds, 
drop everything and give him a blow 
job," Warhol records Jerry proclaiming 
‘on June 5, 1978. “That way, he won't real- 
ly want sex with anyone else. . . . I know 
that I can tell that to you, because you 
won't tell anybody” 

Friends being what they are, Warhol 
didn't tell Mick's wife Bianca for more 
than a year. According to Andy, “Bianca 
said she wouldn't care; she said the only 
girlfriend of Mick's she ever got jealous 
of was Carly Simon, because Carly Simon 
is intelligent and has the look Mick 
likes—she looks like Mick and Bianca.” 

Warhol enjoyed lots of Platonic rela- 
tionships with women friends, mainly be- 
cause they could talk with him the way 
they talk with one another—but rarely 
with men. To hear how women really 
talk, most men have to drop in on movies 
such as Scenes from the Class Struggle in 
Beverly Hills and hear Jacqueline Bisset 
tell Mary Woronov about the charms of her 
houseboy: “He can suck your box till 
your nose bleeds.” 

There was also sex, lies, and videotape 
for men to learn from by watching and 
listening to lovely Andie MacDowell and 


Laura San Giacomo. For MacDowell, it was 
a big change from her first film role—as 
Jane in Greystoke—but it was a film debut 
for San Giacomo, who remembers a fran- 
tic call to a friend the night before her 
big scene: “What should I do? This is on- 
ly my first film and I have to perform the 
‘big O' tomorrow" 

When dishing about sexual competi- 
tors, of course, women aren't such good 
buddies. After Prince topped the charts 
with his Batman numbers, one protégée, 
Apallonia, was less than kind about anoth- 
er, Vanity. Denying that there was any real 
competition, Apollonia remarked, “Her 
1.0. is equivalent to her new bra size— 
which must be thirty-two now. I have 
nothing positive to say about her." 

Discussing her appearance in Shag, 
Bridget Fonda thought it a fair reflection of 
what happens to the fair sex when a man 
is around. “It's basically about being 
friends, and these girls, like, fuck each 
other over any chance they get, all the 
time, for a guy" 

Left to their own devices under tough 
circumstances, some girls get along fine 
nonetheless. Although on-screen rivals 
for Timothy Dalton's attentions in Licence to 
Kill, Talise Soto and Carey Lowell bonded 
together to survive five months of 
filming in Mexico. The solution, Lowell 
reported, was “a lot of tequila with soda 
slammed down and shot back.” 

Surely, pretty Paulina Porizkova had nei- 
ther Soto nor Lowell in mind when she 
remarked, “A model being in a Bond 
movie is the same as walking around with 
a sign saying, NO, 1 CANT acr." Before Li- 
cence opened, Lowell showed some of the 
same doubt herself: "I kept wondering, 
Am 1 going to be categorized as a Bond 
girl? Do I want to be slotted into that 
group of blonde bimbos?” 

Blonde Kelly Lynch admitted she was 
only the “tits and ass” in Cocktail, star- 
ring Tom Cruise. “One of the reasons I like 
being an actress,” she told an Interview 
reporter, “is that I get to do the 'dirty- 
gnarly' on screen, but Tom wouldn't even 
open his mouth when he kissed me. This 
went on for a few takes, so 1 took him out 
in a hallway and threw him against the 
wall and told him if he didr't open his 
mouth on the next take, I was going to 
rape him right there in front of the crew. 
He got the message” 

Lynch had less trouble subsequently in 
Road House, opposite Patrick Swayze, but 
noted that “his wife, Lisa, is a friend of 
mine, so it was a little weird doing the 
love scene. People are going to be run- 
ning out of the theaters right to their 
bedrooms. We keep our clothes on, but 
it's immediate and desperate and— 
there.” 

Swayze revealed to Us magazine that 
he called Lisa for advice when he and 
Kelly were stumped on how to do the 
scene. “She talked about when the need 


for sex gets so urgent, so immediate that 
you don't even take time to remove your 
clothes. Now, thats pretty sexy So we 
went that way" 

Blonde but definitely not a bimbo, 
Michelle Pfeiffer had two hits in Tequila 
Sunrise and Dangerous Liaisons, follow- 
ing the success of 19875 The Witches of 
Eastwick. Divorced from Peter (thirtysome- 
thing) Horton, she was asked before 
heading to Paris to shoot Liaisons if her 
work were sexually fulfilling. . .. Her re- 
и depends on the movie, on the 
part. If there's a lot demanded of you, it. 
can be very sexually fulfilling. If you're 
working on something that isn't very de- 
manding, isnt very fulfilling, then you 
have all this energy to burn, and you can 
go crazy.” 

Pfeiffer got an Oscar nomination for 
Liaisons in the midst of rumors about a 
romance with her married co-star John 
Malkovich, which suggests she had energy 
to burn that she wasn't even aware of. 
Maybe she'll work some of it off in her 
singing part in The Fabulous Baker Boys, 
with the Bridges brothers, Jeff and Beau. 

Lovely Uma Thurman also likened her 
experience in Liaisons to romance, insist- 
ing that the picture “is not about my tits. 
Dangerous Liaisons is kind of a hard act 
to follow,” she observed in Premiere. “It’s 
like after you've been in love and you try 
to go on a date with some schmuck. It just 
doesn't work.” 

Now happily reunited with wife Glenne 
(Dirty Rotten Scoundrels) Headly, Malko- 
vich boasts that “I have probably more 
female friends than any man I've ever 
met.” He credits his “fairly strong femi- 
nine side. 1 find myself really distanced 
from male behavior. You know, you go 
and play basketball and it’s like, ‘Fuck 
you, you cocksucker! Eat shit, wimp!" 
I can't really identify with that.” 

In her May Playboy Interview, Susan 
Sarandon explains why she gets annoyed 
with “guys who rejected my friendship 
because they only wanted sex. There's 
one guy in particular who was forever 
trying to get me into bed, and I remem- 
ber once saying to him, “Listen, cant we 


just be friends?" She's more than just 


friends with actor Tim Robbins, with whom 
she had a bouncing baby boy this past 
summer. 

Teenager Winona (Beetlejuice, Great 
Balls of Fire!, Heathers) Ryder explained 
her approach to boys: “They're a lot of 
fun if they're your friends. But once you 
start liking them, it hurts. I'm a very hon- 
somebody, I'm not 
100 good at hiding it. But there's always 
some game that's being played and it 
drives me nuts. Basically, I just say, 
"Here's the deal. What are you going 10 
do about it?" 

Can men and women mix sex and 
friendship? was the hot question debated 


PLAYBOY 


188 


by Billy Crystol and Meg Ryan in When Harry 
Met Sally hit memorable for many 
moments but none exceeding Meg's deli 
demonstration of how women fake or 
gasms. Off screen, Ryan didn't seem to be 
faking it with Dennis Quaid, as the two 
moved in together, billing and cooing 
through constant In an effort 
10 top each other s, she 
hired a plane to fly overhead with a Harry 
BIRTHDAY, DENNIS sign when he was appear- 
ing on stage in Austin and he responded 
by dispatching a marching band to her 
film set. 

Hollywood egos being what they are, it 
remains to bc seen how their relationship 
will withstand the fact that Megs movie 
was a surprise smash while Dennis’ Great 
Balls of Fire! dived into the Dumpster, 
denving him a hit his career sorely need- 
ed. More interesting than the picture, a 
Jerry Lee Le was the fact that fans 
kept stealing Quaid's underwear while he 
was shooting the film, prompting him to 
protest to Esquire, “IF people want me to be 
their movie star, well, fine, ГИ be their 
movie star. If people think I'ma fuckhead, 
then, fine, ГИ be their fuckhead. But run- 
ng off with my underwear?” 

It's finally looking final for Medonno and 


Sean Penn after three satisfying years of 


wedded warlare. She filed for divorce, re- 
leased a hit album, Like а Prayer, with an 
accompanying controversial video, and 


took up with I ‚old Jason Lafarge, as 
well as with Dick Tracy producer-di 

co-star Warren Beatty If that wer 
enough, she and Sendra Bernhard showed 
off some wild discoing together and 
dropped hints that they were more than 
just good friends. Bernhard confirmed 
that they keep company a lot, disclosing 
that “our E e thing to do is go to 7- 
Eleven and buy junk candy late at nigh 

With no home to wreak havoc in, Scan 
traveled a bit with music groups, prompt- 
ing rocker Michelle Shocked to observe to а 
Rolling Stone reporter, "What | figure is 
that if you're an actor and your career i 
a bit of a lull because you just broke up 
with someone more famous than y а 
you need to get your photo in а newspaper, 
wouldn't you want to go and hang out with 
a trendy band?" 

Speaking of trendies—and arent we al- 
'—Cher's roller-coaster love life with 
boyfriend Reb Cemilletti, an aspiring actor 
and former bagel baker, lapsed—a devel- 
opment that, she announced to a concert 
audience, helped inspire her new hit We 
Ай Sleep Alone. Cher looked neither lonely 
nor sleepy in her controversial video If £ 
Could Тит Back Time, shot aboard the 
U.S.S. Missouri, with the scantily clad star 
smiling astride a large naval cannon. 

Still alone also, after spending 
$25,000,000 on his two divorces, Sylvester 
Stallone has plenty of Rocky and Rambo 


“Hello . . 


. this is the North Pole hotline. . . . 
Santa Claus speaking. . . 7 


money to spare but insists he's unhappy 
that nobody gocs to scc pictures such as 
Lock Up, in wl s to talk more. He 
has a lot to say after his marriage to Brigitte 
Nielsen, which he described as “a hule 
fucking jog through Dante's Inferno." 

itte kept busy, as usual, breaking up 
and making up with footballer Mork 
Gastineau. Pregnant, she had to postpone 
date because Mark didn't 
get a divorce in time, just one more prob- 
lem on top of a previous breakup and com- 
plaints of physical abuse. But at last report, 
the two were living together and the his- 
and-hers tattoos were still in place. 

Times were tough on old friends else- 
where, as well. Amy Irving and Steven Spiel- 
berg agreed to split their estate evenly, each 
reportedly taking $100,000,000; the cause 
of their breakup, gossips said, was 
friendship with Kate Capshaw, whom he di- 
rected in Indiana Jones and the Temple of 
Doom. Also on this year’s split list were Jane 
Fonda and Tom Hayden and Cybill Shepherd 
and chiropractor Bruce Oppenheim, whose 
divorces were relatively ci |, under the 
circumstances (Oppenheim wore а becp- 
er so Cybill could reach him in a hurry). 

Less pleasantly, Clint Eastwood broke off 
with Sondra Locke. She alleged that he'd 
forced her into two abortions and steriliza- 
tion before throwing her out of the house 
without warning, but her palimony suit is 
complicated by the fact that during her 13 
years with Clint, she has been married to 
another man whom shed never gotten 
around to divorci: 

William Hurt spent several days on the 
witness stand defending himself against 
ballerina Sandra Jennings’ claims that 
they'd been as good as married when they 
lived together and produced a son. At the 
other end of the relationship scale, Eddie 
Murphy was sued by actress Michael Michele 
for allegedly getting her fired from 
Harlem Nights after she refused his sexual 
advances. Not so often rebufled, Murphy is 
ig a couple of paternity claims. 

Mess: deed, was a lawsuit filed by 
James Woods and his then fiancee, now 
wife, Sorah Owen, against Sean (No Way 
Out) Young, accusing her of sending them 
“photographs and graphic representations 
of violent acts, deceased persons, dead a 
mals, gore, mutilation and other images. 
1t seems Woods jilted Young after a ro- 
mance during the filming of The Boost, but 
Sean says she never sent that voodoo doll. 

Even relationships that once seemed pic- 
ture perfect can turn into enduring 
grudges, as Cyndy Garvey proved in a bil- 
ious book about her former marriage to 
first baseman Steve. Recounting his alleged 
lies and infidel ‚ Cyndy said, “Нех cold 
aloof and asexual. He's a sociopath who 
doesnt take responsibility for his ac- 

і y is a ten, then Steve's 
а seven.” Steve can't be foo asexual; since 
Cyndy penned her diatribe, he has report- 
edly fathered children by two girlfriends 
before wedding a third. 

‘Thank goodness for Kevin Costner, whose 


Copyright 1989 Playboy-Dumas. Ltd 


NAGEL 


THE PLAYBOY PORTFOLIO ll 


FEBRUARY 1984 


THE SECOND IN A SERIES 
OF TRIBUTES TO PATRICK 
NAGEL, WHOSE PAINTINGS 
GRACED THE PAGES OF 
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE FOR 
MORE THAN TEN YEARS. 
RARELY HAS AN ARTIST AT- 
TAINED SUCH POPULARITY 
AND HELPED DEFINE THE 
STYLE OF A DECADE. 


IT IS WITH great pleasure that 
Playboy magazine and Jen- 
nifer Nagel Dumas, in asso- 


MARCH 1984 


ment is limited, we recom- 
mend that all collectors who 
would cherish this unique 
portfolio respond as quickly 
as possible. 

Here again, for everyone's 
enjoyment, is a pictorial en- 
core of Nagel's images that 
first captivated our imagina- 
tion. "Nagel—The Playboy 
Portfolio И” will be a wel- 
come and lasting tribute to a 
great artist and friend. 


APRIL 1984 


ciation with the publisher 
Mirage Editions, Inc., announce the release of 
“Nagel—The Playboy Portfolio |,” a beautifully 
boxed coliection of four hand-siik-screened prints 
that appeared on the pages of Playboy magazine. 
The four 20" x 16" prints selected are the quintes- 
sential examples of Nagels full-figured paintings 
never before published as graphics. Each of the 
serigraphs will be numbered and signed by Jen- 
nifer Nagel Dumas, Nagel's wife. Since there will 
be only 1250 of the portfolios, and Playboy's allot- 


PORTFOLIO DOCUMENTATION 

TITLE: Playboy Portfolio ЇЇ 
CLASSIFICATION: Serigraphs 
COLORS: Each Print in Suite, 10 to 14 
PUBLICATION DATE: November 1, 1989 
EDITION SIZE: 1250 Signed and Numbered Suites of Four 
Prints in Boxed Portfolio with Print Authentication Cer- 
tíficate, 100 Artists Proofs 
PAPER SIZE: 20" x 16" (Each Print) 
SCREENS: Canceled 
SIGNATURE: Lower Right; Estate Signed by 

Jennifer Nagel Dumas 


Please call now to reserve your Portfolio: 
800-228-8819; in CA, 213-450-2240. Portfolio price 
is $750.00, plus $25.00 shipping. 


This is to сему that al information and the statements contained herein are tue and correct 


This limited-edition product will be protected and authenticated by state-of-the-art Light Signatures? technology. All prints will be accompanied by Print Authentication 
Cartiicates to ensure the collectors peace of mind regarding this most important and beautiful addition to their collections, Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery. 


PLAYBOY 


190 


own marriage remains solid after more 
than ten years, three kids and the pres- 
sures from his sudden success in No Way 
Out, The Untouchables, Bull Durham and 
Field of Dreams. Charmer that he is, Cost- 
ner still confesses the insecurity he felt 
when he met wife Cindy at a college party: 
“It took me a month just to figure out that 
Cindy might want to be around me. 

Mel Gibson is so equally clean-cut that һе 
and his fam spired his Lethal Weapon 
2 co-star Patsy Kensit to consider marriage 
to her beau, Dan Donovan, the keyboardist 
with Big Audio Dynamite. “I can honestly 
say I'm going to grow old with Dan,” Patsy 


promised, “I'll be fat and happy with six 
children.” 
Despite the impertinent personalities in- 


volved, there was something almost equal- 
ly wholesome about the fact that Melanie 
Griffith and Don Johnson finally tied the 
knot ag; ith their sons by other rela- 
tionships serving as ring bearers, Even 
though his Miami Vice is off the air, while 
she’s soaring after stealing Working Girl 
from Sigourney Weaver, Melanie insists he's 
still her hero. “Don's got a helicopter. . . . I 
make good money, but I don't have my own 
fucking helicopter, you know what I mean? 
That's why I feel Im a princess in а fairy 
tale, because not only do I have my prince. 
l have the castle that goes with it.” At 
presstime, she was due to present Don with 
a baby daughter. 

Kimberley Conrad got the Mansion and 
the king, formerly the world's most dedi- 
cated bachelor, Hugh M. Hofnor himself. To 
be sure, the modest ceremony by the Wish- 
ing Well at Playboy Mansion West, before 


200 guests and 10,000 long-stemmed white 
roses, was enough to captivate Kimberley. 
But she was earlier delighted with the news 
that she'd been named Playboy's 1989 Play- 
mate of the Year, carrying a bonus of 
$100,000 cash and a Porsche 911 Cabriolet. 
Although nothing could top the nup- 
ls, a couple of other Playboy pictorial 
subjects made headlines in 1989. A 
provocative layout by Michael Jocksor's old- 
er sister La Toya quickly landed her a berth 
оп a Bob Hope special. 

And the Soviet Unions first Sex Star, afi- 
er her lusty performance in Little Vera, Na- 
talya Negoda, posed for a May feature that 
surely steamed more wrinkles out of the 
Iron Curtain. 

This year's busy Playmates indude the 
1982 Playmate of the Year, Shannon Tweed, 
who owns her own football team on HBO's 
Ist & Ten; Miss February 1986, Julie McCul- 
lough, a baby sitter on Growing Pains; and 
Miss July 1989, Erika Eloniak, a lifeguard on 
NBC's new series Baywatch. 

About the only big TV star who hasn't 
appeared in Playboy is Roseonne Barr, who 
had trouble finding a size 22 double for a 
nude scene while shooting her movie She- 
Devil. Even though she used a stand. 
Roseanne told reporters she looked so 
good she'd like to do a nude scene herself. 

When's she's ready, Playboy's ready. After 
all, we've already published an oversized 
centerfold of September's Playmate twins 
Mirjam and Karin van Breeschocten, so the 
presses are prepared. 


“Our apartment has no fireplace. Would you mind awfully 
if we used yours?” 


—Ae- [SWIMMERS 
(continued from page 168) 
woman, Joan Lunt had curious habits. 

For instance, swimming. Very few wom- 
en swam in the Y.M.C.A. pool in those 
days. Sometimes Joan Lunt swam in the 
early morning, and sometimes, Saturdays, 
in the late morning; she swam only once 
the afternoon, after work, but the pool was 
disagreeably crowded, and too many peo- 
ple approached her. A well-intentioned 
woman asked, "Who taught you to swim 
like that?” and Joan Lunt said quietly, “I 
taught myself." She didn't smile and the 
conversation was not continued 

Tt was observed that, for a woman in her 
presumed circumstances, Joan Lunt was 
remarkably arrogant. 

It scemed curious, too, that she went to 
the Methodist church Sunday mornings, 
g in a рем at the very rear, holding an 
opened hymnbook in her hand but not 
singing with the congregation; and that 
she slipped away afterward without speak- 
ing to anyone. Each time, she left a neay 
folded dollar bill in the collection basket. 

She wasn't explicitly unfriendly, but she 
wasnt friendly At church, the minister 
and his wife tried to speak with her, tried 
to make her feel welcome, did make her 
feel welcome, but nothing came of it, she'd 
hurry off in her car, disappear. In 
people began to murmur that there 
something strange about that woman, 
something not right, yes, maybe 
even something wrong; for instance, 
wasnt she behaving suspiciously? Like a 
runaway wife, for instance? A bad mother? 
А sinner fleeing Christ? 

Another of Joan Lunes curious habits 
was to drink, alone, in the carly evening, in 
the Yewville Bar & Grill, or the White Owl 
Tavern, or the restaurant-bar adjoining 
the Greyhound Bus Station. If possible, 
she sat in a booth at the very rear of these 
taverns where she could observe the front 
entrances without being seen herself. For 
an hour or more she'd drink bourbon and 
water, slowly, very slowly, with an elaborate 
slowness, her face perfectly composed but 
her eyes alert. In the Yewville Bar & Grill, 
there was an enormous sectioned mirror 
stretching the length of the taproom, and 
in this mirror, muted by arabesques of 
frosted glass, Joan Lunt was reflected as 
beautiful and mysterious. Now and then, 
men approached her to ask if she were 
alone, Did she want company? How's about 
another drink? But she responded coolly 
to them and never invited anyone to ji 
her. Had my uncle Clyde approached her 
in such a fashion, she would very likely 
have been cool to him, too, but my uncle 
Clyde wasn't the kind of man to set himself 
up for any sort of public rejection 

One evening in March, before Joan Lunt 
met up with Clyde Farrell, patrons at the 
Yewville Bar & Grill, one of them my fa- 
ther, reported with amusement hearing an 
exchange between Joan Lunt and а local 
mer who, mildly drunk, offered to sit 


Sunday morning. Time to kick back, get 

comfortable, and perfect the art of doing 

} = - absolutely nothing. The ideal companion? 
LIMITED EDITION CD 5 S - Pioneer's new PD-M710 sbedisc CD player 


Бегиш бп Now you can enjoy up to six hours of your 
Car CD Ear Or Home [rm 1 sm yoy up y 
layer By 12/31/89. & 


favorite music without lifting a finger 

The secret is Pioneer's innovative 
six-disc magazine format. It works in both 
Pioneer home and car multi-play systems 
and allows you to catalog and store your 
favorite CDS. And it even features Non- 
Repeating Random Play, which 5 like having 
your own computerized disc jockey. 

All of which means you can spend 
less time changing your music and more 
time enjoying it. But don't wait for the 
weekend 


Multi-CD 


PLAYBOY 


192 


with her and buy hera drink, which ended 
with Joan Lunt’ saying, in a loud, sharp 
voice, “You don't want trouble, mister, Be- 
lieve me, you don't." 
mors spread, delicious and censori- 
that Joan Lunt was a man-hater. That 

rried a razor in her purse. Or an ice 


D 
the ҮМ С.А. pool that 1 be 
ted with Joan Lunt, on Satur- 
day mornings. She saw that 1 was alone, 
that 1 was a good swimmer, might have 
aken me for younger than I was (1 was 
13), and befriended me, casually and 
cheerfully, the way an adult woman might 
befriend a young girl to whom she isnt re- 
lated. Her remarks were often exclama- 
tions, called across the slapping little waves 
of the turquoise-tinted water, "Isn't it heav- 
enly!"—meaning the pool, the prospect of 
swimming, the icy rain pelting the skylight 
overhead while we our bathing suits. 
were snug and safe below. 

Another time, in the changing room, 
she said almost rapture Theres noth- 
ing like swimming, is there? Your mind 
just dissolves.” 

She asked my name, and when 1 told her, 
she stared at me and said, “Sylvie—1 had a 
close friend once named Sylvie, a long t 
ago. I loved that name, and I loved her. 

Twas embarrassed, but pleased. И aston- 
ished me that an adult woman, а woman 
my mother's age, might be so certain of 
her feelings and so direct in expressing 
them to a stranger. I fantasized that Joan 
Lunt came from а part of the world where 
people knew what they thought and an- 
nounced their thoughts importantly to 
This struck me with the force of a 


1 watched Joan Lunt covertly, and 1 
didn't even envy her in the pool—she was 
so far beyond me. Her face that seemed to 
me strong and rare and beautiful and һе 
body that was a fully developed woman's 
body—prominent breasts, shapely hips, 
long firm legs—all beyond me. 1 saw how 
the swiftness and skill with which Joan 
Lunt swam made other swimmers, espe 
cially the adults, appear slow by contrast; 
clumsy, ill-coor« ted, without style. 

One day, Joan Lunt was waiting for me 
n the lobby, hair damp at the ends, face 
carefully made up, her lipstick seemingly 
brighter than usual. “Sylvie,” she said, 
smiling. "let's walk out together 

So we walked outside into the snow-glar- 
ing, windy sunshine, and she said. “Are 
you going in this direction? Good, let's 
walk together" She addressed me as if 
I were much younger than I was, and 
her manner nervous, qu As 
we walked up Main Street, she asked 
questions of me of d she'd never 
asked before, about my family, about my 
"interests," about school, not listening to 
the answers and offering no information 
about herself. At the corner of Chambers 
and Main, she asked cagerly if I would like 
to come back to her apartment 10 visit for a 


few minutes, and although out of shyness I 
wanted to say “No, thank you,” I said “Yes” 
instead, because it was dear that Joan Lunt 
was frightened about something, and I 
didn't want to leave her. 

Her apariment building was shabby and 
weather-worn, as modest a place as even 
the poorest of my relatives lived in, but it 
had about it a sort of makeshift glamour, 
up the street from the White Owl Tavern 
and the Shamrock Diner, where motorcy- 
clists hung out, close by the railroad yards 
on the river. | felt excited and pleased to 
enter the building and to climb with Joan 
Lunt—who was chauing briskly all the 
while—to the fourth floor. On each floor, 
Joan would pause, breathless, glancing 
ound, listening, and I wanted to ask if 
someone might be following her, waiting 
her. But, of course, | didn't say a thing. 
When she unlocked the door to her apart- 
ment, stepped inside and whispered, 
“Come in, Sylvie,” I seemed to understand 
that no one else had ever been invited in 

The apartment was really just one room 
with a tiny kitchen alcove, a tiny bathroom, 
a doorless closet and a curtainless window 
with stained, injured-looking Venetian 
blinds. Lunt said with an apologetic 
little laugh. “Those blinds—I tried to wash 
them, but the dirt turned to a sort of 
paste.” I was standing at the window рее 
ing down into a weedy back yard of titing 
clotheslines and wind-blown trash, curious 
to see what the view was from Joan Lunts 
window, and she came over and drew the 
blinds, saying, “The sunshine is too bright, 
it hurts my eyes.” 

She hung up our coats and asked if I 
would like some coffee or fresh-squeezed 
orange juice. “It’s my half day off from 
Kress’s.” she said. “I dont have to be there 
until one.” It was shortly after 11 o'clock. 

Ме sat at a worn dinette table, and Joan 
Lunt chatted animatedly and plied me 
with questions, as I drank orange juice ina 
. and she drank black coffee, and 
an alarm clock on the window sill ticked 
the minutes briskly by Few rooms in which 
Гуе lived even for considerable periods of 
time are as vividly imprinted in my memo- 
ry as that room of Joan Lunts, with its 
spare, battered-looking furniture (includ- 
ing a sofa bed and a chest of drawers), its 
машу wallpapered walls bare of any hang- 
ings. even a mirror, and its badly faded 
shag rug laid upon painted floor boards. 
There was a mixture of smells—talcum 
powder, perfume, cooking odors, insect 
spray. general mustiness. Two opened suit- 
cases were on the floor beside the sofa bed, 
apparently unpacked, containing under- 
wear. toiletries, neatly folded sweaters 
blouses. several pairs of shoes. А s 
dress hung in the closet d a shiny black 
raincoat, and our two coats Joan had hung 
„ I stared at the suitcases 
nge, she'd been living 
€ for weeks but hadn't had time yet to 
unpack. 

So this was where the mysterious Joan 
Lunt lived! The woman of whom people in 


Yewville spoke with such suspicion and dis- 
approval! She was far more interesting to 
me, and in a morc real, than I was to 
myself; shortly, the story of the lovers 
Clyde Farrell and Joan Lunt, as | imagined 
it, would be infinitely more interes 
and infinitely more real, than any stot 
with Sylvie Farrell at its core. (I was a 
fiercely introspective child, in some ways 
perhaps a strange child, and the solace of 
my life would be to grow, not away from 
but ever more deeply and fruitfully into 
my strangeness, the way a child with an id- 
iosyneratic, homely face often grows into 
that face and emerges, in adulthood, as 
“distinctive,” sometimes even 
that Joan liked 
poetry, and so we talked about poetry, and 
about love, and Joan asked me in that 
searching way of hers if I were “happy in 
my life,” if I were “loved and prized” by my 
family, and I —l guess so,” 
though these were not issues [ had ever 
considered before, and would not have 
known to consider if she hadn't asked. For 
some reason, my eyes filled with tears. 
Joan said, “The crucial thing, Sylvie 
10 have precious memories." She spoke al- 
most vehemently, laying her hand on mine. 
"Thats even more important than Jesus 
Christ in your heart, do you know why? 
Because Jesus Christ can fade out of уо 
heart, but precious memories never do” 
We talked like that, Like I'd never talked 
with anyone before. 
I was nervy enough to ask Joan how 
shed gouen the dide маг beside her 
and she touched it, quickly, and 
n a way I'm not proud of, Sylvie.” I 
sat staring, stupid. The scar wasnt 
disfiguring in my eyes but enhancing. “2 
man hit me once,” Joan said. “Don't ever let 
a man hit you, Sylvie.” 
Weakly, I said, “No, I won't. 
No man in our family had ev 
any woman that I knew of, but 
sometimes in fa ies we knew. I recalled 
how a ninth-grade girl had come to school 
that winter with a blackened eye, and she'd 
seemed proud of it, nd ever 
had stared— and the boys jus drified ı © 


struck 
it happened 


1 told Joan Lunt that 1 wished I lived ina 
place like hers, by myself, and she said, 
laughing, "No you dont, Sylvie, you're too 
1 asked where she was from and 
nd I per- 
sisted, "But is it north of here, or south? Is 
it the country? Or a city?" and she said, 
running her fingers nervously through 
her hair, fingering the damp ends, “My on- 
ly home is here, now, in this room, and, 
sweetie, that ough for me to 
think about. 

It was time to leave. The danger had 
passed, or Joan had passed out of thinking 
there was danger. 

She walked with me to the stairs, smil- 
ing, cheerful, and squeezed my hand when 
we said goodbye. She called down after 


Its going to be 


Give yourself (and your 
friends) something 
beautiful to look for- 
ward to month after 
month, throughout the 
year. Americas all-time 
favorite calendar is at 
newsstands now. 


Also available as a video cassette 
at video stores everywhere. 


E 
CALENDAR 


Wi 


TO ORDER BY MAIL: Send $10.00 for 
each calendar plus $2.00 shipping and 
handling per total order. Canadian 
residents, please add $300 Send your 
check or money orderto Playboy Calen- 
dars, РО Box 632, Dept. 99058, Elk 
Grove Village, Ilinois 60009. For pay- 
ment by Visa. MasterCard or American 
Express, include card number, expira- 
tion date and signature. Be sure to 
specify whether you are ordering the 
‘Wall Calendar (йет #0021) or the Desk 


Calendar (item # 0022). 


(©1989 Playboy 


193 


PLAYBOY 


194 


me, “See you next Saturday at the pool, 
maybe" but it would be weeks before I 
saw Joan Lunt again. She was to meet my 
unde Clyde the following week and her life 
in Yewville that seemed to me so orderly 
and lonely and wonderful would be altered 
forever. 


. 

Clyde had a bachelor’s place (that was 
how the women in our family spoke of it) 
to which he brought his women friends. It 
was a row house made of brick and cheap 
stucco, on the west side of town, near the 
old, now defunct tanning factories on the 
river. With the money he made working 
for a small Yewville construction company, 
and his occasional gambling wins, Clyde 
could have afforded to live in a better 
place, but he hadn't much mind for his sur- 
roundings and spent most of his spare 
time out. He brought Joan Lunt home with 
because, for all the slapdash clutter of 
his house, s more private than her 
apartment on Chambers Street, and they 
wanted privacy, badly. 

The first time they were alone together, 
Clyde laid his hands on Joan's shoulders 
and kissed her, and she held herself steady, 
rising to the kiss, putting pressure against 
the mouth of this man who was virtually a 
stranger to her so that it was like an 
exchange, a handshake, between equals. 


7 5 SING-ALONG 
Ж ¥ BEST-LOVED 


Then, stepping back from the kiss, they 
both laughed—they were breathless, lik 
people caught short, taken by surprise. 
Joan 1ши J faintly, “1—1 do things 
sometimes without meaning them,” and 
Clyde said, “Good. So do L” 

. 

Through the spring, they were often 
seen together in Yewville; and when, week- 
ends, they weren't seen, it was supposed 
they were at Clyde's cabin at Wolf% Head 
Lake (where he was teaching Joan Lunt to 
fish) or at the Scholh: Downs race track 
(where Clyde gambled on the standard- 
breds). They were an attractive, eye-catch- 
ing couple. They were frequent patrons of 
local bars and restaurants, and they 
turned up regularly at parties given by 
friends of Clyde's, and at all-night poker 
parties in the upstairs, rear, of the Iroquois 
Hotel—Joan Lunt didn't play cards, but 
she took an interest in Clyde's playing, and, 
as Clyde told my father, admiringly, she 
ized a move of never chid- 
ed or teased or second-guessed him. “But 
the woman has me figured out completely” 
Clyde said. “Almost from the first, when 
she saw the way 1 was winning, and the way 
1 kept on, she said, ‘Clyde, youre the kind 
of gambler who wont quit, because, when 
he's losing, he has to get back to winning, 
and when he's winning, he has to give his 


эре" 
ТРЕ GEST PARTY 


friends a chance to catch up." 

In May, Clyde brought Joan to a Sunday 
gathering at our house, a large, noisy al- 
fair, and we saw how when Clyde and Joan 
were separated, in different rooms, they'd 
drift back together until they were touch- 
ng, literally touching, without seeming to 
know what they did, still less that they were 
being observed. So that was what love was! 
Always a quickness of a kind was passing 
between them, a glance, a hand squeeze, a 
light pinch, a caress, Clyde's lazy fingers on 
Joans neck beneath her hair, Joan's arm. 
slipped around Clydes waist, fingers 
hooked through his belt loop. I wasn't jeal- 
ous, but I watched them covertly. My heart 
yearned for them, though 1 didn't know 
what I wanted of them, or for them. 

At 13, I was more of a child still than an 
adolescent girl: thin, long-limbed, eves too 
large and naked-seeming for my face and 
an imagination that rarely flew off into un- 
known territory but turned, and turned, 
and turned, upon what was close at hand 
and known, but not altogether known. 
Imagination, says Aristotle, begins in de- 
But what is desire? 1 could not, nor 
did I want to, possess my uncle Clyde and 
Joan Lunt. | wasn't jealous of them, 1 loved 
them both. I wanted them to be. For this, 
too, was a radically new idea to me, that 
а man and a woman might be nearly 
Strangers to each other, yet lovers; lovers, 
yet nearly strangers; and the love passing 
between them, charged like electricity, 
might be visible, without their knowing. 
Gould they know how I dreamt of them 
left our house, my 
itably that she 
couldnt get 10 know Joan Lunt. “She's 
sweet-seeming, and friendly enough, but 
you know her mind isn’t there for you,” my 
mother said. "She's just plain not there.” 

My father said, “As long as the woman's 
there for Clyde.’ 

He didn't like anyone speaking critically 
of his younger brother apart from himself. 

" 

But sometimes, in fact, Joan Lunt wasn't 
there for Clyde: He wouldn't speak of it, 
but she'd disappear in her car for a day or 
two or three, without explaini - 
factorily where she'd gone, or why Clyde 
could see by her manner that wherever 
Joan had gone had, perhaps, not been a 
choice of hers, and that her disappear- 
ances, or flights, left her tired and de- 
pressed; but still he was annoyed, he felt 
betrayed, Clyde Farrell wasn't the kind of 
man to disguise his feelings. Once, on a 
Friday afternoon in June before a weekend 
they'd planned at Wolf s Head Lake, Clyde 
returned to the construction office at 5:30 
рм. to be handed a message hastily tele- 
phoned in by Joan Lunt an hour before: 
CANT MAKE IT THIS WEEKEND. SORRY LOVE 
joan. Clyde believed himself humiliated in 
front of others, vowed he'd never forgive 
Joan Lunt and that very night, drunk and 
ted, he took up again with a for- 
mer girlfriend . . . and so it wen 

But in time they made up, as naturally 


THE SHOWS THE PROS 
WOULD WATCH IF THEY WEREN'T 
BUSY ON SUNDAY. 


The pros have business to attend to on Sunday. There ore Jets to catch. Chiefs to answer to. Raiders to avoid. 

But if they weren't so busy, chances are good they'd have the set tuned to ESPN? 

The action starts at 11:30AM (ЕТ) with "NFL GameDay.’ The Emmy-winning show that previews the day's entire schedule. With 
predictions abaut the games and insights into the players and teams you wan't find anywhere else. 

Then at 7:15PM (ET) there's "NFL PrimeTime.” The only show with extensive highlights af every game played that afternoon. Chris 
Berman is joined by John Saunders, acclaimed sports journalist Pete Axthelm and farmer Denver Branco Tam Jackson far an insider's lack at 
all the day's mast stunning action and critical plays. 

Starting November Sth, “NFL PrimeTime" will begin ot 7PM (ET) and we will include a preview of aur Sunday Night NFL" game. 

All in all, ESPN affers a camprehensive and colorful laok atthe NFL every 
Sunday. With the kind af in-depth, no-nansense analysis the pros wauld appreciate. 7 

Sa this Sunday tune into ESPN. And watch faotball like a pro. 
Free ESPN Home Video Catalog”: inducing “Teaching Kids Football” 
with Bo Schembechler, plus 400 ather great sports videos. Call 1.800-841.7800. 
© 1969 ESPN, ис. Only ovcdobl through participating datrbutorn. Programming subjecto change. 


ЕЭП 


PLAYBOY 


they would, and Clyde said, “I'm thinking 
maybe we should get married, to stop this 
sort of thing,” and Joan, surprised, said, 
‘Oh, that isnt necessary, darling—1 mean, 
for you to offer that.” 

Clyde believed, as others did, that Joan 
Lunt was having difficulties with a former 
man friend or husband, but Joan refused 
to speak of it; just acknowledged that, yes. 
there м: man, yes, of course he was an 
ex in her life, but she resented so much as 
speaking of him; she refused to allow him 
re-entry into her life. Clyde asked, "What's 
his name?” and Joan shook her head, 
mutely, just no; no, she would not 
say would not utter that name. Clyde 
asked, “Is he threatening you? Now? Has 
he ever shown up in Yewville?" and Joan, 
as agitated as he'd ever seen her, said, “He 
does what he does, and I do what I do. And 
1 don't talk about it." 

. 

But later that summer, at Wolf's Head 
Lake, in Clyde's bed in Clyde's hand-hewn 
log cabin on the bluff above the lake, over- 
looking wooded land that was Clyde 
Farrell's property for a mile in either di- 
rection, Joan Lunt wept bitterly, weakened 
in the aftermath of love, and said, “If 1 tell 
you, Clyde, it will make vou feel too bound 
to me. It will seem to be begging a favor of 
a kind, and I'm not begging." 

Clyde said, “1 know you're not. 

“I don't beg favors from anyone. 

"I know you dont.” 


“L went through a long spell in my life 
when I did beg favors, because I believed 
that was how women made their way, and I 
was hurt because of it, but not more hurt 
than I deserved. I'm older now. I know bet- 
ter. The meck dont inherit the earth and 
they surely don't deserve to.” 

Clyde laughed sadly and said, “Nobody's 
likely to take you for meek, Joan honey” 

. 

Making love, they were like two swimmers 
deep in each other, plunging hard. Wherever 
they were when they made love, it wasn't the 
place they found themselves in when they re- 
turned, and whatever the time, it wasn't the 
same lime. 

. 

The trouble came in September: A cous- 
in of mine, another niece of Clyde's, was 
married. and the wedding party was held 
in the Nautauga Inn, on Lake Nautauga, 
about ten miles cast of Yewville. Clyde 
knew the inn’s owner, and it happened that 
he and Joan Lunt, handsomely dressed, 
were in the large public cocktail lounge ad- 
jacent to the banquet room reserved for 
our party talking with the owner-bar- 
tender, when Clyde saw an expression on 
Joan's face of a kind he'd never seen on her 
face before—fear, and more than fear, a 
sudden sick terror—and he turned to see 
stranger approaching them, not slowly, ex- 
actly, but with a restrained sort of haste: 


man of about 10, unshaven, in a blue seer 
sucker sports jacket now badly rumpled, 


ticless, а musded but soft-looking man 
with a blunt, rough, ruined-handsome 
face, complexion like an emery board, and 
this man’s eyes were too bleached a color 
for his skin, unless there was a strange 
light rising in them. And this same light 
тозе in Clyde Farrell's eyes, in that instant 

Joan Lunt was whispering, “Oh, no— 
no,” pulling at Clydes arm to turn him 
away, but naturally, Clyde Farrell wasn't go: 
ing to step away from a confrontation, and 
the stranger, who would turn out to be 
named Robert Waxman, Rob Waxman, 
Joan Lunts former husband, divorced 
from her 15 months before, co-owner of 
a failing meat-supplying company in 
Kingston, advanced upon Clyde and Joan 
smiling as if he knew them both, saying 
loudly, in a slurred but vibrating voice, 
“Hello, hello, hello!” and when Joan tried 
to escape, V п leapt after her, cursing, 
and Clyde naturally intervened, and sud- 


ах 


аспу the two men were scuffling, and 
voices were raised, and before anyone 
could separate them, there was the aston- 
ishing sight of Waxman, with his gravelly 
face and hot eyes, crouched, holding a pis- 
tol in his hand, striking Clyde clumsily 
about the head and shoulders with the butt 
and crying, enraged, “Didn't ask to be 
born! Goddamn vou! 1 didn’t ask to be 
born!" And “I'm no different from you! 
Any of you! You! In my heart!" There were 
screams as Waxman fired the pistol point- 
blank at Clyde, a popping sound like a 


firecracker, and Waxman stepped back to 
get a better aim—hed hit his man in the 
fleshy part of a shoulder—and Clyde Far- 
rell, desperate, infuriated, scrambled for- 
ward in his wedding-party finery, baboon 
style, not on his hands and knees but on his 
hands and feet, bent double, face contort- 
ed, teeth bared, and managed to throw 
himself on Waxman, who outweighed him 
by perhaps 40 pounds, and the men fell 
heavily to the floor, and there was Clyde 
Farrell straddling his man, striking him 
blow after blow in the face, even with his 
weakened left hand, until Waxmans nose 
was broken and his nostrils streamed 
blood, and his mouth, too, was broken and 
bloody, and someone risked being struck 
by Clyde's wild fists and pulled him away. 

And there on the floor of the breezy 
screened-in barroom of the Nautauga Inn 
lay a man, unconscious, breathing errat 
cally, bleeding from his face, whom no one 
except Joan Lunt knew was Joan Lunts 
former husband; and there, panting, hot- 
eyed, stood Clyde Farrell over him, bleed- 
ing, too, from a shoulder wound he was to 
claim he'd never felt. 

. 

Said Joan Lunt repeatedly, 
sorry I'm so sorry" 
aid Joan Lunt carefully, “I just dont 
know if I can keep on seeing you. Or keep 
on living here in Yewville.” 

And my uncle Clyde was trying hard, 
trying very hard, to understand 


“Clyde, I'm 


You don't love me, then?" he asked sev- 
eral times. 

He was baffled, he wasn't angry. It was 
the following week and by this ume he 
wasnt angry, nor was he proud of what 
he'd done, though everyone was speaking 
of it, and would speak of it, in awe, for 
years. He wasn't proud because, in fact, he 
couldn't remember clearly what he'd done, 
what sort of lightning-swift action he'd 
performed; no conscious decision had 
been made that he could recall. Just the 
light dancing up in a strangers eyes, and 
its immediate reflection in his own. 

Now Joan Lunt was saying this strange, 
unexpected thing, this thing he couldn't 
comprehend. Wiping her eyes, and, yes, 
her voice was shaky, but he recognized the 
steely stubbornness in it, the resolute will. 
She said, “I do lov I've told you. But I 
cant live like that any longer 
“You're still in love with Aim. 
"Of course Ги not in love with him. But 
1 can't live like that any longer." 
ke what? What I did? Fm not like 


that. 

"I'm thirty-six years old. I can't take it 
any longer." 

“Joan, | was only protecting you." 

"Men fighting cach other. men trying to 
kill each other—I cant take it any longer." 

“1 was only protecting you. He might 
have killed you." 

"I know. I know you were protecting me 
I know you'd do it again if you had to." 


Clyde said, suddenly furious, 
damned right E would. If that 
bitch ever——" 

Waxman was out on bail and returned 
to Kingston. Like Clyde Farrell, he'd been 
treated in the emergency room at Yewville 
General Hospital; then he'd been taken to 
the county sheriff headquarters and 
booked on charges of assault with a deadly 
weapon and reckless endangerment of life. 
In time, Waxman would be sentenced to а 
year's probation: He had no prior record 
except for traffic violations; he was to im- 
press the judge with his air of sincere re- 
morse and repentance. Clyde Farrell, after 
giving testimony and hearing the sentenc- 
ing, would never see the man again. 

Joan Lunt was saying, “I know I should 
thank you, Clyde. But I can't.” 

Clyde splashed more bourbon into Joan's 
glass and into his own. They were sitting at 
Joan's dinette table beside a window whose 
grimy and cracked Venetian blinds were 
tightly closed. Clyde smiled and said, 

Never mind thanking me, honey: Just let's 
forget it." 

Joan said softly, "Yes, but I can't forget 
it. 

“Ius just something you're saying. Tell- 
ing yourself. Maybe you'd better stop." 

^I want to thank you, Clyde, and I can't. 
You risked your life for me. I know that. 
And I can't thank you.” 

So they discussed it, like this. For hours. 
For much of a night. Sharing a bottle of 


“You're 
on of a 


Swisher Littles. 


SWISHER 


20 For Under A Buck" 


*Most states, depending upon taxes 


PLAYBOY 


198 


bourbon Clyde had brought over. And 
eventually, they made love, in Joan Lunt's 
row sofa bed that smelled of talcum 
powder, perfume and the ingrained dust 
of years, and their lovemaking was tenta: 
tive and cautious but as sweet as ever, and 
driving back to his place early in the morn- 
ing, at dawn, Clyde thought surely things 
were changed: yes, he was convinced t 
things were changed. Hadn't he Joan's 
promise that she would think it all over, 
not make any decision, they'd see each oth- 
er that evening and talk it over then? She'd 
kissed his lips in goodbye, and walked him 
to the st nd watched him descend to 
the street. 


But Clyde never saw Joan Lunt again 
А 
That evening, she was gone, moved out 


of the apartment, like that, no warning, 
not even a telephone call, and she'd left on- 
ly a brief letter behind with civbr клен. 
written on the envelope. Which Clyde nev- 
showed to anyone and probably, in fact, 
ripped up immediately. 

Tt was believed that Clyde spent son 
time, days, then weeks, into the early wi 
ter of that year, looking for Joan Lunt: but 
по one, not even my lather, knew exactly 
what he did, where he drove, whom he 
questioned, the depth of his desperation or 
his yearning or his rage, for Clyde wasn't, 
of course, the kind of man to speak of such 
things. 

Joan Lunts young friend Sylvie never 
saw her again, either, nor heard of her. 
And this In 100. than 1 might 


have anticipated. 

And over the years, once I left Yewville 
10 go to college in another state, then to be- 
gin my own adult life, I saw less and less of 
my uncle Clyde. He never married; for a 
tew years, he continued the life hed been 
leading before meeting Joan Lunt—a typi 
cal “bachelor” life, of its place and time; 
then he began to spend more and more 
time at Wolf's Head Lake, developing his 
property building small wood-frame sum- 
mer cottages and renting them out to vaca- 
tioners, and acting as caretaker for them, 
an increasingly solitary life no one would 
have predicted for Clyde Farrell. 

He stopped gambling, too, abruptly: His 
luck had turned, he said. 

I saw my uncle Clyde only at family occa- 
sions, primarily weddings and funerals. 
he last time we spoke together in a way 
that might be called forthright was in 1971, 
ar my grandmother's funeral: I looked up 
nd saw through a haze of tears a man of 
youthful middle age moving in my general 
direction, Clyde, who seemed shorter than 
I recalled, not stocky but compact, with a 
look of furious compression, in a dark suit 
that fitted him tightly about the shoulders. 
His hair had turned not silver but an cerie 
metallic blond, with faint tarnished 
streaks, and it was combed down flat and 
damp on his head, a look here, too, of furi- 
ous constraint. Clyde's face was familiar to 
me as my own, yet altered: The skin had a 
grainy texture, roughened from years of 
outdoor living, like dried earth, and the 
creases and dents in it resembled animal 


“Scrooge is shredding Christmas cards even 


earlier this year. 


tracks; his eyes were narrow, damp, rest 
less; the eyelids looked swollen. He was 
walking with a slight limp that he tried, in 
his vanity, to disguise; I lcarned later that 
he'd had knee surgery. And the gunshot 
wound to his left shoulder he'd insisted at 
the time had not given him much, or any. 
pain gave him pain now, an arthritic sort 
of pain, agonizing in cold weather: I stared 
at my uncle thinking, Oh, why? Why? I 
didn’t know if I were seeing the man Joan 
Lunt had fled from or the man her flight 
had made. 

But Clyde sighted me and hurried over 
to embrace me, his favorite niece, still. If 
he associated me with Joan Lunt—and 1 
had the idea he did—hed forgiven me 
long ago. 

Death gives to life 
shared life, that is, ani 
Its like an image of absolute clarity 
reflected in water—then disturbed, shat- 
tered into ripples, revealed as mere sur- 
face. Its darity, even its beauty, can resume, 
but you cant any longer trust in its reality. 

So my uncle Clyde and I regarded each 
other, stricken in that instant with grief. 
But, being a man, he didnt ery. 

We drifted off to one side, away from the 
other mourners, and I saw it was all right 
between us, й was all right to ask, so 1 
asked if he had ever heard from Joan Lunt 
after that day. Had he ever heard of her? 
He said, “I never go where Im not wel- 
come, honey,” as if this were the answer to 
my question. Then added, seeing my look 
of distress, “I stopped thinking of her 
years ago. We don't need each other the 
way we think we do when were younger." 

I couldn't bear to look at my uncle. Oh, 
why? Why? Somehow, 1 must have believed 
all along that there was a story, a story un- 
known to me, that had worked itself out 
without my knowing, like a stream tunnel 
ing its way underground. I would not have 
minded not knowing this story could I on- 
ly know that it was. 

Clyde said, roughly, “You didnt hear 
from her, did you? The two of you were so 
close. 

He wants me to lie, I thought. But I said 
only, sadly, "No, 1 never hear from her. 
And we weren't close.” 

Said Clyde, “Sure you were.” 

Луде that day, it was 


to the survivors’ 
substantial quality. 


ing a disagreement just oi 
door of our house. Му father insisted t 
‘lyde, who'd been drinking, wasnt in con- 
dition to drive his pickup truck back to the 
lake, and Clyde was insisting he was, and 
my father said, “Maybe yes, Clyde, and 
ybe no,” but he didn't want to take a 
chance, why didnt he drive Clyde home, 
and Clyde pointed out truculently that, if 
ny father drove him home, how in hell 
would he get back here except by taking 
Clyde's only means of transportation? So 
the brothers discussed their predicament, 
as dark came on. 
Ej 


233) IO ва ЗВ RAL RUDE NULL UDURENLUDEUBEDVEVEVEEEEOEEDELELLELEY 


1990 
LINGERIE 
CALENDAR 


15 


© 1989 Playboy. 


o mark the approach of a 
new decade, we present the 
premier edition of the most 
provocative and classic lingerie 
calendar ever to be offered. 
You'll treasure your copy for 
years to come as 12 of 
PLAYBOY's Playmates reveal 
this intimate collection. We use 
the highest quality paper and 
printing to ensure enduring 


beauty. 


RDER 
TOLL-FREE 
1-800-345-6066 


Charge to your VISA, 


Y 
y 
> 
d 
© 
= 


MasterCard or American 
Express. Ask for irem #DB0023. There is a $2.00 
shipping and handling charge per total order. 
Most orders shipped within 48 hours. (Source 
Code 99063) 


RDER BY MAIL 


We honor VISA, MasterCard or American 
Express. If you wish to charge your order, be 
sure to specify which credit card and include 
your account number and expiration date. Or, 
enclose a check or money order for $15.00 plus 
$2.00 shipping and handling charge per toral 
order, specify item #086023. (Illinois residents 
add 7% sales tax. Canadian residents please add 
$3.00 additional per calendar. Sorry, no other 
forcign orders.) Mail to Playboy, PO. Box 1554, 
Dept. 99063, Elk Grove Village. Illinois 60009, 


Also available in book stores. 


PLAYBOY 


ШИЕ ОУ 


“The hopelessly fil can schuss in the morning, swim or 
parasail at sunsel, then boogie until daybreak.” 


the government. González—an avowed so- 
cialist, remember—has been selling them 
oll for seven years. The latest to go partial- 
ly private was Repsol, the state oil be- 
hemoth, and Iberia Airlines is rumored 
next on the block. Modern Madrid bristles 
with towers housing multinationals. Gen- 
IBM, Xerox, ГГТ, General 


few that count themselves in on the 
renzy. Ford builds cars near Va- 
Citibank has branches in small 
provincial capitals, Seiko makes watches, 
Olivetti assembles typewriters. 
Trickle-down has been as uneven as un- 
der Maggie and Ronnie, but it has hap- 
pened. 1 bought a house in a village in 


lenci; 


YA 


И 
Wye 
ji 1 


rural Aragón the year the little dictator 
went to his reward. The only television sets 
in town were in the bars on the main 
square, and the most envied farmers were 
the three who owned pony-sized tractors. 
The 47 others had mules and carts if they 
were lucky, donkeys if they werent. By last 
summer, roofs bristled with antennas, the 
transportation ratio was reversed and the 
last three mules were looking poorly. 

Gain a lot, lose a little. The constru 
crane may be the truest symbol of Spain's 
surging prosperity. Shaped like an invert- 
ed L, it looms over every city town and 
beach. Ву 1992, there will be more than 
3500 miles of new roads and highways, no 
irrelevancy in a country where a Sunday 


"Give the litle bastards what they want!” 


the country has always been an ex- 
ercise in terror 

But the captivating soul of Spain re- 
mains. Acolytes of Papa Hemingway still 
fling themselves into encierro, the running 
of the bulls in Pamplona. Castanets and 
guitars sound in shadows scented by or- 
ange blossoms. Aficionados shout “¡Olé 
а matadors perfect veronica. Fiestas, 
whether secular debauch or ecclesiastical 
ecstasy, emblazon every month of the cal- 
endar with skyrockets, bonfires, torchlight 
processions and mock medieval pageantry: 
Affluence has triggered а blossor 
pride in ethnic roots. Matrons 
teenagers flock to dance schools to relearn 
the sevillanas, an exuberant form of 
flamenco performed by night-club pa- 
trons, not pros. 

Spain is nirvana for night birds in a 
world run by morning people. Cocktails at 
1 and dinner at midnight are the rule in 
fashionable circles. Discos don't even begin 
to fill until two a.m. Whether done up as ro- 
coco seragli, postmodernist. caverns or 
neobrutalist prison yards, they thump on 
to dawn and beyond. Culture is served by 
jazz and classical concerts in 
nd Barcelona, by film and opera 
ls in San Sebastián and by dance 
recitals held in the prehistoric cave of Ner- 
ja and the Moorish palaces of Granad: 

Many visitors to Spain have nothing 
more elevating in mind than a two-week 
goof with warm sand up to their ankles. 
The Costa del Sol accommodates them. 
Backed by coastal 1a 
broken strand ru 
the southern lip of the Iberi. 
Between Malaga and Estepona to its west 
are dozens of tennis courts and a score of 
championship golf courses. Many of the 
later were designed by Robert Trent 
Jones, which presumably will mean more 
to the afflicted than it does to me. 

Ambivalence tempers my feelings about 
un Coast.” It is т Spain but not of it, 
ternational enclave with sPANISH sro. 
ERE signs in shop windows. Jumbo 
айу disgorge regiments of package 
ists from Europe, the Middle East and 
, most of whom stay in hotels booked 
by nationality. They then blow their six 
days and five nights drinking the same 
beer and eating poor imitations of the 
same food they left behind. 

Still, the fabled Mediterrancan is right 
there, bordered by five-star gran lujo re- 
sort hotels peopled by lovelies who no 
longer have to wear bras on the beach. Two 
hours away are the slopes of the Sierra Ne- 
vada, skiable from October to April. The 
hopelessly fit can thus schuss in the morn- 
sail at sunset, then boog- 
1 daybreak in the clubs 
of Torremolinos and Marbella. There are 
worse ways to spend a week, and it needn't 
cost more than spring break in Daytona. 

Day trips or overnight excursions can be 
easily combined with beach-blanket bingo. 
The white villages of M Ojén and 
Casares are within easy reach of Marbella, 


the class act of the Costa del Sol. Testa- 
ments to the virtues of architecture with- 
out architects, their tiled-roof houses 
tumble down mountainsides like heaps of 
sugar cubes. 

A little farther away is Granada, a city 
that would be of no great appeal were it 
not for the Alhambra. That ridgetop com- 
plex of fortresses, palaces and gardens was 
left behind by Moorish caliphs, evicted 
from their last major stronghold in Spain 
in, you guessed it, 1492. Mullahs of the 
Arab world still mourn its loss. Well they 
ight, for it is easily the equal of the 
Parthenon in splendor. 

The principal attraction. of Córdoba, 
which is somewhat farther from the coast, 
is a six-acre mosque with a Rat roof sup- 
ported by 800 red- 
nd-white columns 
with stacked arch- 
es. Prelates of the 
Church Triumphant 
inserted a grotesque 
baroque cathedral 
in the heart of the 
mosque in the 16th 


week. Sleep is forgotten. Aristocrats and 
pretenders circulate endlessly on horse- 
back or in carriages, the men (and some 
women) dressed in fla-brimmed black 
hats, tight, short jackets and intricately 
tooled leather chaps. Most women don 
id tiered dresses and lace mantillas, 
backs straight, fists on hips, breaking 
into staccato clapping and foot stamping at 
any provocation. The flaps of the tents are 
drawn back to reveal their sevillanas-danc- 
ing occupants, a thousand tableaux vivants 
that dont wind down until morning. Many 
tents welcome any passer-by for the price 
of a beer. 

Bullfights are held daily during the fair 
in one of the oldest, most impressive plaza 
de toros in the country The drinking, 


Too 


‚mes in July. On the 25th of that month, 
citizens haul out the prized botafumeiro, a 
giant silver incense burner. It is hung by 
velvet ropes from the domed transept of 
the church, then swung in an ever-higher 
arc until it nearly reaches the ceilings on 
both sides, trailing contrails of fragranı 
white smoke. Gasps and squeals from the 
S.R.O. crowd are hardly worshipful, at 
least by Protestant standards. Fun in 
church? And all this preceded and fol- 
lowed by parades and fireworks in the 
great plaza out front 

Celts settled this region before they 
moved on to Ireland. They left behind a 
type of bagpipe called the gaita and the 
sword dance it accompanies. But food, 
not folklore, is the best reason to visit the 
north country. Right 
where Spain con- 
nects with France is 
the Basque country, 
split by the border 
and the source of 
separatist — friction 
for centur Re- 
poris of Spanish ter- 


Century but that rorism nearly alway: 
desecration only involve extremists 
serves to height- of the E.T.A., a sort 
en the mysterious of Basque LR.A. 
grace of the original Since they target 


structure. Outside is 
the Judería, the an- 
cient Jewish quar- 
ter of white houses, 
cobblestoned su ccts 
and patios cascad- 
ing with flowers. 
]une is the time to 
go. 
April is best for 
Seville. That is the 
üme of two quin- 
tessentially Spanish 
celebrations, one 
sacred, the other 
raucous, if not ex- 
actly profane. The 
nights before Easter, 
brotherhoods repre- 
senting 52 neighbor- 
hood churches carry 
immense pasos on 
their backs through 
the streets to the cathedral. The floats de- 
pict saints and Biblical scenes, the effigies 
bejeweled, robed in flowers and rendered 
in meticulous detail. They are led by can- 
dle-carrying penitents in conical black 
hoods and robes. These are startling to 
American visitors, for a white version of 
the costume has been subverted to another 
cause by the Ku Klux Klan. 

A week or two later i5 the April horse 
fair. A city of tents rises on an empty fair- 
ground. Some are furnished with crystal 
chandeliers and oil paintings, and caterer 
and orchestras hired. Others have no 
more than a few tables and chairs and a 
record player. Everyone moves in for the 


d 
to E 


8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky: 


KENTUCKY STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISKEY AUSTIN NCHOLS DISTILLING CO, LAWRENCEBURG. KY ©1986 


eating and dancing is round the clock, as if 
Sevillanos wanted 10 stockpile sins for 
which to atone during next years Holy 
Week. 

Seville and the rest of southern Spain 
are to be avoided in summer, when week 
of 100-degrec-plus temperatures arc rou- 
tine. Spaniards then escape to the ever- 
green coast of the Bay of Biscay, the Mar 
lantabrico. Santiago de Compostela, in 
the far northwest corner of Spain, was a 
pilgrimage site rivaling Rome during the 
Middle Ages. The city hasn't changed all 
that much since then. Its centerpiece is a 
cathedral, a people's church that becomes 
downright festive during the Feast of Saint 


politicians, police 
and military perso! 
nel, they are of mi 
nor risk to tourists. 
Gastronumes 
not deterred, for the 
Basques are Spain's 
premiere chefs. 
Proximity to Gallic 
culinary influences 
hasn't hurt, and lo- 
cal restaurateurs 
have developed а 
nueva cocina—new 
cuisine—that even 
those chauvinis- 
ис Michelin Red 
Guides grudgingly 
plaud. San Sebas- 
а handsome 
resort city with 
a scimitar-shaped 
beach, is the place 10 
sample ıhe causes of approbation. If 
theres time for only one meal, set aside 
three hours for Akelarre, on a slope falling 
10 the sea west of the city. Michelin awards 
it two stars. It deserves three. 
Noshing is as good a reason as any to 
nger in Madrid. The city may have in 
vented tapas and certainly perfected the 
grazing food that has enjoyed a mild 
vogue over here. Along and near Victoria 
Street, hip-to-hip bars ladle out their spe- 
cialties from platters lining the tops of 
their counters. Garlic shrimp, fried octo- 
pus rings, snails and grilled quail are 
among offerings that can total 50 or more 
Just point to your choices. For an old-time 


are 


201 


PLAYBOY 


202 


tapas bar that still doesrit rely on micro- 
wave technology, seek out La Trucha, near 
the Plaza Santa Ana. 

Madrid was founded by Philip II in 
1561, not many years before Peter Minui 
bought Manhattan. Long the youngest of 
major European capitals, it was also the 
stodgiest. No more. A true 24-hour city. 
Madrid crackles with the vitality of a cit 
zenry ativity. Its avant- 
garde fashion industry makes eyes pop in 
Paris and Milan. Its nascent film industry 
has already gained recognition through 
the quirky flicks of such hot directors as 
Pedro (Women on the Verge of a Nervous 
Breakdown) Almodovar. The city already 


Mau-Mau, in the modern northern dis- 
trict, Al-Andalus is the place to take a turn 
at the sevillanas. 

Madrileños are educating their taste 
buds, 100. Where once the only available 
foreign edibles were wan chow mein and 
greasy curries, а new generation of chefs 
is challenging the conservative Spanish 
palate. A few among many are the Califor- 
outpost Armstrongs, the Franco-A: 
El Mentidero de la Villa and the tony 
northern-Indian Annapurna. The apex of 
Iberian dining is Zalacain, and it comes 
very close to perfection. 

An entire vacation can easily be spent in 
Madrid and environs. Within easy range 


CETINE THERE ANO CEITING AROUNI 


READY TO BOOK A FLIGHT for Spain? Iberia Airlines of Spain, the national airline, of- 
Fers the most frequent service from several American cities. TWA and Pan Am have 


flights from New York; 
Within Spain, Iberi 


American from Dallas. 
also offers a $249 “Visit Spain” air pass valid for flights 


throughout the country; $50 extra gets you to and from the Canary Islands. The 
pass, however, must be purchased in the U.S. and is issued only in conjunction with a 
transatlantic Iberia ticket. Highways are being vastly improved (expect construc- 


tion delay: 


some areas) and all the principal American car-rental agencies mai 


tain offices at airports and in major cities. Railroad buffs may board high-speed 
TALGO trains and the luxurious Twenties-style Andalusian Express, patterned. 


after the fabled Orient Express. 


Spain has every class of accommodation, from gran lujo five-star hotels to simple 
hostales. You've dreamed of castles in Spain? It's possible to stay in one. Or in a for- 
mcr hospital, even a remodeled convent. Such historic structures arc among the 
unique network of 86 paradores nacionales, government-run inns, scattered about 
the country The original idea, back in the Twenties, was to space them a days jour- 
ney apart in areas where travelers could not expect adequate accommodations. 
Sizes vary greatly, from as few as 12 beds to as many as 500; most have up-to-date 
amenities such as air conditioning and color TVs, as well as commodious 


rooms where regional specialties and wines are served. Its айу 


vance. U.S. agents include Castle Hotels in Spain, 2928 South Bascon Avenue, San 
Jose, California 95124, and Marketing Ahead, Inc., 433 Fifth Avenue, New York 


10016. ¡Buen viaje! 


—GRETCHEN EDGREN 


jad more than 50 museums, including the 
renowned Prado—home to a magnificent 
collection of Goyas—but new ones have 
opened, notably Centro de Arte Reina 
Sofía, housed in a former I9th Century 
hospi 

As often as not, night for Madrileños be- 
gins at the Cafe de Oriente. Established by 
a priest turned restaurateur, it boasts a fin 
de siècle atmosphere and sidewalk tables 
that pull in everyone from haggard cellists 
to Sony execs to the studded-leather and 
fluorescent-cockade crowd. Across the wa 
is the Royal Palace, a 2000-room wedding 
cake that ranks as the capital's número dos 
attraction (after the Prado). After a mid- 
night bracer, the patrons peel off to any of 
100 clubs. Discos attract all ages and class- 
es, not just kids and freaks. Those whose 
complexions have cleared up often choose 
Joy Eslava, a converted movie theater, or 


are many of the nations most compelling 
smaller cities. Toledo, the capital of the 
Visigoths and site of two of Spain's handful 
of synagogues, looks much as it did in El 
Greco's famous painting. Segov don 
nated by a functional Roman aqueduct 
Philip И erected his ponderous Xanadu in 
Avila retains its magnificent 

ress walls with 88 carefully preserved 
sentry towers, featured in The Pride and 
the Passion, a bad Fifties epic starring a 
skinny Frank Sinatra as a rebel leader 
Barcelona doesnt have as many must-see 
attractions in its orbit, but then, few want 
to leave once its thrall. Certainly 1 
didn't, even the first time. Despite the op- 
pressive Franco regime, the Barcelonéses 
were then the most progressive, creative 
and energetic of Spaniards. They still are. 
If the rest of Spain is finger-popp 
down the road to "92, Barcelona is at a 


dead run. Under construction are an 
Olympic village (to be converted after the 
event to 14,000 apartments and a muse- 
um), a new airport and an extended sub- 


way, a dozen hotels, а refurbished 
Montjuich Stadium and a domed arena. 
The 1929 Mies van der Rohe Pavition—the 


one that showcased the cla: Barcelona 
chair—is being re-created, and the Beaux 
Arts National Palace has been gutted for a 


$26,000,000 make-over. 

The entire city is primping, cleaning 
and refurbishing. New parks and plazas 
fill up with monumental sculptures by such 
international artists as Roy Lichtenstein 
and Anthony Caro. They must compete 
with the works of the late Antonio ( 
the Catalan iconoclast whose ri 
buildings are surrealism in stone. Conjure 
up a church designed by Disney and Dali, a 
glorious, goofy admixture of frozen st 
bursts, melting lintels, dripping portals 
and polychromed saints. That gives a wisp 
of a hint of Gaudís unfinished cathedral, 
La Sagrada Familia. He outdid himself all 
over town, with apartment blocks, town 
houses and parks providing a feast for ar 
chitecture buffs 

Repasts of the temporal sort are preced- 
ed and followed in a multitude of tabernas, 
boites, bistros, bars, “sexy shows,” B-girl 
havens, night clubs and dance halls 
sufficient to break Olympian training rules 
for a year. Mannered bumptiousness mesh- 
cs with laid-back conviviality. One old-time 
bar is Quatre Gats, in the ancient Roman 
quarter, where the youthful Picasso and 
Miró plotted artistic revolution. Euro 
synth and Euro trash made at home 
in hyperchic пі and Nick Havanna. 
Devotees of the grape slouch negligently in 
champañerias, which promote the Catalan 
cavas, wines made by the champagne 
method. 

When the urge for a cleaning respite of 
wind and sand bubbles up, we head for the 
Costa Brava, the “Rugged Coast” that curls 
from Barcelona to the French border. So 
have millions of others, with the result that 
much of the coast is drowned in ill-con- 
ceived ticky-tack, Isolated pockets of coun- 
try-squire urbanity ре 
of the bin is Hostal de la Gavina, near the 
fishing village-cum-resort of San Feliu de 
Guixols. It is the love child of the late Jose 
Ensesa, an industrialist who devoted his 
life to scouring away all infelicities that 
might distract from a night at his plush, 
antique-filled inn 
A meal in the hostel's restaurant demon: 
s why the Ca kitchen is easily 
of the Basque. Afterward, 
preferably by starlight, we walk out along 
the mile-long path carved into rock above 
the silvered crashing sea. At our backs, we 
sense the palpable vigor and spectacle of 
Spain, a place of time slip and paradox. 


E 


ist, however. Top 


[74/7717] ЖУУ 


“The one on my left leans over. “Lets face it. You 
know what we are? Were muff Big blonde muff? ” 


picked up. The bad news is we have to do 
the series. 


. 

My official title in the ly days of 
thirtysomething was story editor, which, two 
months before we shot ou show, was 


sill a mysterious function, as there wı 
as yet, no stories to edit. 

Ed and Marshall showed me their script 
in which Hope's well-meaning father and 
impossible mother descend for a visit. 1 
thought the emotional landscape of this 
story was small; Hope was characterized as 
a pill, thereby giving her mother grounds, 
for complaint. When I brought this up. Ed 
nd Marshall brushed my concerns aside. E 
didn't give in; I kept saying, "But what's it 
bout? Where's the conflict?” 1 remember 
the look of pity Marshall gave me; he tried 
to explain that his goal for the series was to 
redefine drama, to search it out in the 
minute emotional lacunae that television, 
up till then, had never been interested in. 
He said Wurtysomething would mine that 
new terrain. We would never have a car 
chase, but we might have a show about the 
characters’ feelings about a car chase. 

While we were still two months ам: 
from shooting our first episode, I beg: 
writing my own first script. Through all 
my years as a screenwriter, the log line on 
me had been “Good on character, weak on 
structure.” I always saw things in terms of 
detail and nuance, rather than in how the 
story was told. 

This problem exploded during the carly 
meetings on my first script, nearly ending 
my work on Uurtysomething before it had 
even begun. Ed, Marshall and I had come 
up with the idea of exploring, in detail, the 
events of two ht dates. Hope 
nd Michael, seeking to recapture a lost 
sense of romance, plan a perfect evening 
another 
Melissa floating barks on the sin- 
gles sea, go through their own disasters 
that bring them together for a doomed re- 

г past affair. It would all 
end on a Sunday n with both cou- 
ples reconciling as their stories iner- 
twined. 

We went through our pl 


ided it in to Ed 
nd Ma atching Ed 
read it, he screwed his features tighter and 
tighter into what many of us on the show 
would come to refer to The F 
look of profound and angry displ 

“Dickie,” The Face said to 
knew I was in trouble. Dickie is Ed's p 
ate name for me, used only in moments of 
real affection or Some out 


ress. 


side. 1 want to talk. 

We stood out in the hallway, Ed standing 
against one wall while I faced him from 
another. He held up the outlin 

"What is this?” he asked. 
vs the outline,” I told him. “The beats, 
the acts." 

“But its not. Didn't you tal otes? You 
left out most of what we talked about. Lis- 
ten, Richard"—he joined me now, at my 
wall—"its like we said—maybe this isn't 
the right thing for you, which is OK. We 
said that would be OK, right?” 

I told him I'd do it again. He said all 
right, and The Face unclenched a little. I 
went hack to my office and got very de 
pressed. For the next few days, I realized 
how much the prospect of this job fright- 
ened me. I was afraid to let Ed and Ма 
shall down. I was afraid to write in my own 
voice, having in the past always chosen 
subjects that kept me at a distance to it. 1 
was afraid to fail and, maybe most of all, 1 
was afraid I couldnt be part of a team. 
One by one, these fears became clear to 
me. Then I faced them, told them to fuck 
off and sat down and did the outline right. 

"Good," Ed and Marshall said when I 
resubmitted it. "Now go and write it.” 

So I did, and somehow my confronta 
tions with both Ed and myself freed me. 1 
decided, as I began to work, that both cou- 
ples fantasies of perfect romance were 
what caused their trouble; by the end, 1 
anted them to have learned they could. 
adjust those fantasies to the ity of thi 
lives. It seemed to me that all four char- 
ters were victims of song lyrics that 
painted a rose-tinted universe where ev- 
erything was possible. So 1 made those 
lyrics a part of the show, inventing a co 


tail-lounge-pianist character who, through 
love songs by Gershwin, Porter and 
Rodgers and Hart, would ci 


cally on Michael and Hope's and Ga 
nights in hell. 

y fun to write this script. 
h I was now calling “But Not for Me.” 
vould never put our titles on thc 
, though cach script had one. My fa- 
“Um in Love with a Wonderful 
Gynecologist”) It was fun because 
Marshall had created in the pilot the 
chance for me and other writers to write in 
our own voices. I had too many ide 
change, and had to throw out at le: 
of them, I finished the script and handed it 
4 and Marshall loved it—and I was, 
while not qu t in the clubhouse, at 
re of the password to get in. 


vorite: 


We have гп 
and are all exhausted, y 
enough lunatic energy t 


ugh 21 episodes 
weve parceled 
survive the 


22nd and final show. When the Writers 
ild strike continues past the date th: 
would have made it possible to produce the 
last show for this season, we are left with 
that energy and nowhere to put it. There is 
а rush of goodbyes, tears, thank-yous—all 
aciorly hyperbolic yet somehow provision- 
1, as no one knows if we're coming back. 1 
clean out my office yet still go in most days 
to shmoose and try to maintain some con- 
tact with whocver's around. And then 
there's no one around to shmoose with: my 
reserve of energy hackllips into the blues: 
everyone else says he feels the same way 
Well, E tell myself, you need a change, 
because this is what I always tell myself 
when E don't need onc, and I never learn 
from the mistake. How about London, 
then Florence, then New York? As Mel 
Harris knows everything, I ask her if she 
has a good travel agent. OF course she 
does; just say I'm a friend of hers. So 1 fly 
to London, It takes a week for me to see 1 
shouldn't be there and that I want to go 
home, and that he the past year has 
ed itself as—tor better or worse— 


My timing is lucky I call Ed from Lon- 
don, just to check in, and he suggests I re- 
turn via New York, as he and Marshall and 
the whole cast will be there to appear on 
the Donahue show. When I get to New 
York, everyone is at the hotel, We're all 
thrilled to see one another. 

The three days we're all together in New 
York provide the release I hoped to find in 
London. We do what wi 
to do all year: We hang out. We go to see 
Mel's boyfriend in a play, then all go out to 
dinner. The other people in the restaurant 
are too hip to ask for autographs, so they 
simply stare at us instead. Everyone gets 
loaded. Mel bursts into tears, but no one 
knows why. Tim Busfield puts his arm 
around me and asks, “Can I have a dad 
who gets cancer next season, 10027 1 am 
seated between the pretty blonde girl- 
friends of two of our cast members. The 
one on my left leans over to the one on my 
ind says, downing her eighth glass of 
mpagne, “Let's face it. You know what 
е? Were muff. Big blonde muff.” Irs 
late now: we all share cabs back to the hotel 
and on the way. indulge in ou 

= topic of conversation, which 
shows we should put up for the E 

. 

lı is almost the end of April. The Wri- 
"s Guild strike, which started at the be- 
g of. March, still shows no signs of 
sm rules. Ken Olins р 
dietions for our futures are the bleakest: 
п Busfield and Peter Horton will get 
their own series—Tim will play a Protes- 
сике in Northern Ireland and 
Peter will do a show where all the other 
characters are a ed. Mel Harris will 
become a hand model. Polly Draper will 
co-anchor the Today show and he. Ken, 
will do a brief stint as the rabbi on Dallas 
and then never work again. 1 go h 
day to find a message on my machine from 


ve never had time 


present fa- 
what 
y 


one 


PLAYBOY 


204 


Peter that says, "You are worthless, we're 
all worthless, we have no reason to exist," 
So we wait, we worry, scarching the show- 
business skies for bad omer 

Through all this, we find important re; 
sons to call one that turn out to be 
по reasons at all. Each actor has ideas for 
h for “next season”; my an- 
swering machine is filled with such mes- 
sages as "What if Ellyn had a nervous 
breakdown?" and “What if C 


Hope and Michael didn't approve?” 
Marshall and 1 compare notes and decide 
the show we really want to do is about 
Hopes being rushed to the hospital be- 
cause she loses touch with her feelings. 
One Sunday, too many weeks after Mr. 
zerber’s hunch about our imminent pick- 
up has been proved wrong, I call Marshall 
for some false and desperate reason. We 
chat for a minute or so, then he tells me 
ie, his five-year-old daughter, wants to 
speak with me. 
int to tell you somethi 
she says 
“What's that” 

“Pm very upset today and sad.” 

“What's the matter?” I ask her. 

“Do you know my fish Spotty?” 

“No, I don't think I do, Lizzie.” 

She sighs. “Well, it doesn't matter. Spotty 
is dead.” 

Spotty's demise is a sign, of course. As 
images of fish corpses and unrenewed TV 
series float through my mind, I realize how 
much 1 want the series to continue, how 
very much I want the family Гус found in 


ag very ir 


the past year to stay together. 
. 
A few days later, 1 go out to dinner with 


Polly Draper. We spend this evening, 
scem to spend most of my evenings, remi 
n g about the past season. As ме’ 
splitting the bill on two credit cards- 
ther of us is working right now, after all— 
John Pasquin, who directed two shows for 
us, comes over with his wife to say hello to 
Polly and me. The air around us віце 
with fortune; John has just directed three 
pilots in a row and he and his wife have 
adopted a baby They want to get home to 
the kid, so there's a round of handshakes 
and kisses and then, tossed over Johns 
shoulder, these Farewell words: “And hey 
guys—great news about the pickup!” 

We look at cach other, and then run to- 
gether to the telephone. 1 slam in my 
change and call Ed. His line is busy. 

“Call Marshall!” Polly cries 

And hes not home. Later that night, I 
reach Ed, who confirms that, indeed, our 
ty is over and we have been renewed 
by the us for Antes year. The next 


Peter Horton and 1 5р ternoon 
hanging out. We are meeting today be- 
use he is worried. He likes to worry, 
we all do, but he also has a reason, He has 
watched, with more than a degree of 


grace, the bulk of the first seasons shows 
go to Michael. It's Michael's house, mar- 
riage, family, job; Michael has the conflict 
s it’s Michacl’s father who 
es. There's no one in the 
те of this, just as there's 
no one who doesnt feel that Ken deserves 
it. The cast members are remarkably gen- 
erous, but at the same time, they all want 
and have asked for, as it were, a dying fü 
ther of their own. 

There are two reasons for Ken's first-sea- 
son supremacy. The first is that he's a won- 
derful actor; Peter knows that, and he's 
also mature enough to know that, despite 
our relative lack of attentic 
in no way implied that his abilities strike us 
as any the less. The second reason is th: 
Ken has had the good luck to become our 
mouthpiece. When I met him, I told Mar- 
shall I thought he was terribly bright. “Oh, 
yeah,” Marshall said. "He's one of us." 

Peter seems less direct than Ken, or it 
may be that we haven't given him the 
chance to be as direct. This is the reason 
we're meeting today—a sort of psychoana- 
lytic session, We talk about our mothers 
and fathers, our sisters and ou 
has always had a hard time smiling, as hi 
mother always told him to smile because 
that is what nice people did. The more he 
talks about himself, the more often he asks 
if I want him to leave yet. This tells me how 
much he wants to stay, and I realize how 
delicate the relationships are between the 
actors and us. He cant hear the ticking 
he has set off inside me: he tells me that 
he wants more stories for Gary, not because 
we feel that we have to do them but be- 
cause we feel that we need to do them. 
Somehow, he has cut to the quick of what, 
for me, the show is about and what makes it 
good. 1 ask him to keep a journal and not 
to write about emotions but about specifics 
He leaves, promising to do that, and as 
soon as he has left, I run to the word pro 
ог and spew out five story ideas for 
Gary. 


О 
end of May Me have all, for 
weeks, reassured one another with vari; 
tions on the same clichés that, as the day 
inouncement of Em- 
my nominations, have come to scem in- 
ingly hollow. “It’s about the work, not 
awards.” “Иза popularity contest. Nothing 
ood —i.c., us—is ever really popu- 
e 100 controversial. We shouldn't 
even go t0 the ceremony" No one, of 
course, buys any of this. Everyone wants to 
get nominated, and everyone wants to win. 
1 know Edo. I spend the 
announcem: 
bove it, failing and being unable to sleep. 
The call comes at seven am. The series as a 
whole has been nominated. Patty Wettig, 
Tim Busheld and Polly Draper are singled 
out from the cast, and we've gotten опе 
writing nomination, for the episode we 
refer to as “Dead Dad.” in which Michael's 
father informs his son he cancer. And 
that's it. No directing nominations. Noth- 


ight before the 
м5 forcing myself to rise 


ng for Mel. Nothing for Melanie. Nothing 
for Ken or Peter—or me. Shit. vs 
the work, not awards, right? 

1 call Patty to congratulate her and find 
her in tears. She doesn't feel that she de- 
serves to be nominated at the expense of 
others. Tim, calling in from the set of his 
movie Field of Dreams, says the same thing. 
as does Polly when she calls from New 
York. Ken is in West Virginia acting in a 
TV movie with Jill Eikenberry of L.A. Law 
and Ron Perlman of Beauty and the Beast: 
we learn later that he went out to the set to 
give them the good news that they had 
both been nominated. Mel Harris is in the 
office that day. She says she doesnt care 
that she hasnt been nominated (and I be- 
lieve her), but she's upset about Ken. 

“I mean, ultimately, it’s no big de 
says. "We all know that. I just really 
thought he deserved it.” 

. 

Maybe it's the lack of ine or the 
debilitating effect of the strike; I find my- 
self endlessly circling my first script for the 
new season without ever quite reaching its 
heart. | know it's there—I can see it and at 
the same time calculate my distance fron 
it. The trouble seems to be focused on 
Michaels feelings and behavior in the sto- 
у Every acting teacher has a different 
term for this tion, intention, objective, 
subtext, goal. The word is unimportant, 
but the idea is the bedrock of all acting: 
What does the ch: er want? 

The actors help us, and we were lucky in 
that all of them were used to sitting 
around tables, filling Styrofoam cups with 
cigarette butts while they worked over a 
‘om every angle. On the scripts 1 
wrote, I was always astonished to learn that 
Patty or Tim or Melanie knew more about 
what 1 was trying to write than | did and 
could guide me, through their actor's ques- 
tions, to where I wanted to go. 

Lask Ken to come to lunch and spend a 
few hours with me working on this new 
script. He has an alchemic gift of being 
able to convert autobiography into fiction, 
о what comes out is not a glimpse into his 
private life but a glimpse into Michael 
Steadmans as interpreted by him. Ken 
isn't Michael, and Michael isn’t Ken; at the 
me, Ken ts Michael and Michael 
rch out the core of that 
paradox would afford a glimpse of the 
mystery that allows one man to believably 
become another. All | know is that (A) Ken 
issmart, (B) he grows more articulate as he 
grows more excited and (C) if anyone can 
help me with this dead lump of pages on 
my desk, he can—and he'd better. 

Me greet each other, spend the next half 
hour worrying—about the Emmys, the 
ratings, the ppropriate behavior of 
some of his fellow cast members—and 
then we work. He sits down next to me 
the word processor and it starts to happ 
He's off and he's into it. excited by the pos 
of a new script and a new season 
We had written Michac! and Hope, т 
thirtysomething’s first year, as the ideal 


about 


same 


Our version Of 


im 
givers | 


Recently, we asked ourselves what а Merit “image” 
ad would look like. Cowboys and camels being taken, the 
best image we could think of was straightforward and direct. How 
else to portray Enriched Flavor"? How else could we show satisfying taste, 
and up to 27% less tar than other leading lights? How else could our 
advertising reflect what you already know? There is no better 
way to smoke than Merit. No matter how you look at it. 


Enriched Flavor™ low tar. A solution with Merit. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, аа Mare 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


Kings: 8 mg "tar; 0.6 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


PLAYBOY 


206 


couple. Ken's private title for the series was 
Father Knows Best, but He's Ambivalent 
About It. Still, Hope and Michael had their 
bourgeois ducks in a row; they were a cou- 
ple who could (and would) discuss any- 
thing and everything. This new sc 
about things for which words cant be so 
easily found, impulses that can't be kissed 
away or cured by understanding. Michael 
wants another kid. Hope's not so sure. 
This thrills Ken—he's as bored as we all 
are with reconciliation scenes. He gets to 
work, quick and deft, with the material I 
present to him, carving out the conflict 1 
have so far been unable to identify 

“So, OK," he says, lighting his tenth 
cigarette. “Fine; we know I'm sick of adver- 
tising, and I can barely force myself to get 
10 the office and come up with some idiot 
campaign for something I don't give a shit 
about. At the same time, Hope is at the 
magazine and I'm proud of her and I'm 
jealous, too, right? Even though maybe 1 
don't know that I'm jealous. . . 

“Well, may е you know it, but you would 


Г course not! I'm not that big a jerk 
And also, seeing her really taking off and 
working again turns me on; I'm incredibly 
attracted to her. She's like she was when I 
first met her and I was totally smitten with 
her, right? Which is very sexy, because 1 
sense she's not totally available to me right 
now. But at the same time, she's been home 


for the past year and a half with the baby 
and she has been totally available to me 
and I want it both ways. This is really cool 
Is this helping you? 

“It’s helping те” 

“And whats harder, maybe, is that sud- 
denly, she's a breadwinner, too.” 

1 feel it starting for me; as he talks, I see 
scenes and bits of scenes. 

“So who am I? Make me a pig! Make me 
real! I don't want to be the ideal little hus- 
band; that’s boring, there's nothing to play 
there. Mel, she'll be able to do this really 
well. Hope loves being a mother and all 
that, but her self-esteem has suffered. She 
knows I've seen her differently, she wants it 
the way it was when we started, too; she 
wants to bc able to control me and my fecl- 
ings about her. What I want is to have her 
available to me. And, like, at the end of act 
two?”—he's referring to a scene Гуе shown 
him. Michael and Hope are making love 
when Hope interrupts it, against Michael's 
protests, to insert her diaphragm. When 
she returns to the bedroom, Michael is 
gone, and the rift between them has come 
out in the open—“What that scene is," Ken 
says, “is a test. “Are you available to me? Is 
your womb available to me? And she's not 
and it's not, and I can't deal with that. Be- 
cause a deeper part of me is freaking out 
that if she doesn't need me anymore—then 
who am 1?” 

It's not a question he expects me to an- 


MARTY 
mugen 


"Well, you ‘just naturally assumed’ wrong, 1 ain't 
one of Santa helpers.” 


swer while were sitting here. The script 
will take care of that soon enough—and, 
because of the time we've spent together 
today, I know there will be a script. 1 can 
fecl the episode starting to grow. This idea 
of availability that Ken has so intuitively 
helped me pinpoint dictates both dialog 
and behavior. He leaves; I start writing. 
. 

A Pasadena Sunday. Four rm. A hundred 
degrees, 1000 photographers, and here we 
are, in gowns and tuxes, оп our way into 
the Civic Auditorium, where this year's 
Emmy show is to be held. I have Mel Har- 
тїз on one arm, Melanie Mayron on the 
other; the paparazzi cry out “Hope!” and 
“Melissa!” instead of their real names. We 
meet everyone else from the show in the 
lobby; Ed and Marshall are both in 
Michael Steadman-type glooms, con- 
vinced we dont have a chance. 

The Emmy show itself, produced by 
endless but entertain- 
highlight a medley of TV theme 
songs performed by the Sweeney Sisters, 
who at one point approach Mary ‘Tyler 
ally ask her who can turn 
the world on with her smile. Early in the 
evening, there is a montage spanning 40 
years of TV's leading men. Uncle Milúe, 
Desi Arnaz, Dick Van Dyke, Dennis 
Weaver—faces as icons, faces that summon 
association, and there among them are 
faces I know well. Ken's, Peter's, Tim's. We 
have become, I can see, part of the elec- 
tronic cult landscape, and I start to be- 
lieve that maybe, just maybe, today's trip to 
Pasadena might turn out to be worth what 
it will cost to have the tux cleaned. 

I'm right. Patty wins, as does the “Dead 
Dad” script, as does the series as a whole. 
Me all troop up to the stage to collect the 
big one. As Гус lost a few pounds since I 
last wore my tux, I hold Melanie’s hand 
with one hand and my pants up with the 
other. Ed and Marshall say their standard 
few words, then we are all photographed 
backstage and led off for the rack of lamb 
and complimentary cologne. After the 
swirl of congratulation dies down, I join 
Ed at a table where, for the time 
tonight, he sits alone. 

“So. ...." he says. 

"So?" I respond. 

now what?" 


"What if we did a whole show from the 
dog's point of view? It could be incredible.” 


wre out of your mind," 1 tell him 
“And I'm not writing it! 
“But just think about it," he says, so I do, 


as, dlutching our statuettes, we make ош 
way outside, with a hug for the winners 
and a "Next year” for the losers, to wait for 
the cars that will take us home. 


KILLING \ Ail 


(continued from page 114) 
the door scanned my PL ticket and driv- 
ers license, checking my face against the 
photo before letting me into Velda’s room. 

“Hey, kid," I said softly. In the dim light, 
I saw her head turn slowly and knew she 
was awake. They had propped her up, the 
sheet lying lightly across her breasts 
arms outside it, Th al swell 
lessened, but the di 
dark shadow on her face. One eye still was 
closed and I knew smiling wasn't easy. 

“Do I look terrible?” 

Пе out a small laugh and walked to the 
bed. "I've seen you when you looked bet- 
ter” 1 took her hand in mine and let the 
warmth of her seep into me. Inside, I could 
feel a madness clawing at my guts, s 
ing at my mind because somebody 
done this to her. They had taken soft beau- 
ty and a loving body and tried to smash it 
into a lifeless hulk because it was there and 
killing was the simple way of moving it. 

“Mike, don't,” she said. 

1 sucked my breath in, held it, then 
ed out, 1 was squeezing her hand too 
hard and relaxed my fingers. “Everything 
OK, kitten?’ 

“Yes. They are taking care of me.” She 
tilted her head up. “Whats happening?” 

] filled he: with some of the general 
information, but she stopped me. She 
wanted details, so I gave them to her 

1 put my hands on the mattress and bent 
down so my face was close to hers. Her 
tongue slipped between her lips, wetting 
them, and as my mouth touched hers, she 
closed one eye. A kiss is strange. It's a liv- 
ing thing, a communication, a whole wild 
emotion expressed in a simple moist touch 
and, when her tongue barely met mine, a 
silent explosion. We felt, we tasted, then, 
satisfied. we separated. 

^You know what you do to me? 

She smiled. 

“Now I'm as horny as hell and I can't go 
out in the hall like this. Not yet." 

You can kiss me again while you're wait- 


asked. 


mg. 
"No. ГИ need a cold shower if 1 do." I 
»od up, still feeling her mouth on mine. 


"ll be back tomorrow, kitten. 


Her smile was crooked and her 
laughed. "What are you going to do 
with... that?" she asked me. 


“Hold my hat over it," I told her. 
. 

1 had the cabby drop me at the corner 
and picked up a late-evening paper at the 
kiosk. There was a must in the air and the 
streetlights had a soft glow around them 
and lighted. windows in the apartments 
were gently blurred. It was the kind of 
night that dampened street sounds and 
put a dull slick on the pavement 

The doorman my place gi ally 
ed under the marquee, but tonight 1 
couldn't Ы him for staying inside. I 
hugged the side of the building out of the 
wind, moved around the garbage pails 


the guy jumped me from behind 
Damn. 
One arm grabbed me around the throat 


and a fist was ready to slam into my kid- 
neys, but I was twisting and dropping at 
the same time, so fast that the fucker lost 
his rhythm and went down with me. His 
rm came loose and he rolled free, and 1 
forgot all about him because the other one 
had come out of the hallway with a sap in 
his hand, ready to lay my skull open. I let 
the swing go past my face and threw a 
right smack into his nose, saw his head 
snap back, then put another into his gut 

Everything was working right. The guy 
behind me came off the sidewalk thinking 
he had me nailed. I didn't want any broken 
knuckles. 1 just drove my fist into his neck 
under his chin and didn't wait to see what 
would happen. The boy with the sap was 
still standing there, nose stunned, blood 
all over his face but not out of it. 

You don't have to waste any skin on gu 
like that. 1 kicked in the balls, and the 
pain-instinct reaction was so fast he nearly 
locked onto my foot. His mouth made si 
lent screaming motions and he went down 
оп his knees, his supper foaming out of his 
mouth. 

1 went inside. The doorman was just 
coming out of it, a lump already growing 
оп the side of his head. “Сап you hear me, 


maced, his eyes opened and he 
hat bastard. ..." 


amn right." 

The big guy I had rapped in the throat 
was trying to get away. He was on all fours, 
scratching toward the car at the curb. 1 
took out the 45, let him hear me jack a 
shell into the chamber and he stopped 
cold. That old Army automatic can have a 
deadly sound to it. L walked over to him, 
knelt down and poked the muzzle against 
his head. 

“Who sent you?” 

He shook his head. 

1 thumbed the hammer back. That 
sound, the double click, was even deadlier. 

“Ме... was to... rough you up.” His 
voice was hardly understandable. 

“Who sent you?” 

His head dropped, spit ran out of his 
mouth and he shook his head again. 

"Why?" Г asked him. I kept the tone 
nasty. 

All the big slob had in his eyes was fear 
"You sent... the guys. .. a bullet. 

Theard the siren of a squad car coming 
hird Avenue. “How much did they 
you?" 

“Five hundred. . . each." 

“Asshole,” I said. I eased the hammer 
back on half cock and took the rod away 
from his head. A grand for a mugging 
meant that the và 
dangerous, and the 

ita thought. I gave him a К 


in the 


Sensual 
Aids: 


How to order them 
without embarrassment. 
How to use them 
without disappointment. 


1f you've been reluctant to purchase sensual 
aids through the mail, the Xandria Collection 
would like to offer vou two things that may 
change your mind: 

1. A guarantee. 

2. Ancther guarantee 

First, we guarantee your privacy. Should 
you decide to order our catalogue or prod- 
ucts, your transaction will be held in the 
strictest confidence. 

Your name will never (never) be sold or 
given to any other company. No unwanted, 
embarrassing mailings. And everything we 
ship to you is plainly packaged, securely 
wrapped, without the slightest indication of 
its contents on the outside. 

Second, we guarantee your satisfaction 
Everything offered in the Xandria Collection 
is the result of extensive research and real- 
life testing. We are so certain that the risk of 
disappointment has been eliminated from 
our products, that wecan actually guarantee 
your satisfaction — or your money promptly, 
unquestioningly refunded 


What is the Xandria Collection? 

Itisa very, very specialcollection of sensual 
aids. It includes the finest and most effective 
products available from around the world. 
Products that can open new doors to pleasure 
(perhaps many you never knew existed!) 

Our products range from the simple to the 
delightfully complex. They are designed for 
both the timid and the bold. For anyone 
who's ever wished there could be something 
more to their sensual pleasure. 

If youre prepared to intensify your own 
pleasure, then by all means send for the 
Xandria Collection Gold Edition catalogue. 
It is priced at just four dollars which is 
applied in full to your first order. 

Write today. You have absolutely nothing 
to lose. And an entirely new world of 
enjoyment to gain 


The Xandria Collection, Dept. PB 1289 
P.O. Box 31039, San Francisco, CA 94131 


1 Please send me, by first class mail, my copy of the | 
1 Xandria Collechon Geld Editon catalogue. Enclosed = | 
1 my check or money order for four dollars which willbe 
1 арі towards my frst purchase. (SUS. 5З САМ, 1 
| BUK) i 
р i 
E AEN, 
р i 
1 Address 

Vichy cm 

t sae ë _ 

] 

i 

i 


Xandria, 574 Dubuque Ave., South San Francisco 94050. 
‘old where prohibited by lo: 


PLAYBOY 


208 


side and told him to get over beside his 
buddy. I didn't have to tell him twice. 
Wheels squealing, a car turned at the 
corner and the floodlight hit me while it 
was still rolling. The cameraman came 
out, turning film, a girl flapping 
trench coat right behind him, giving into a 
hand mike a rapid, detailed description of 
what was going on, and суеп let New York 
Citys favorite on-the-spot TV team catch 
me giving the guy another boot just for the 
hell of 


. 
When the squad car got there, I iden- 
tified myself, gave a statement and let the 
doorman fill in the rest. The two guys had 
са near the curb nearly an hour, spot- 
ted me at the corner, then one had gone in, 
grabbed the doorman, then waited until 
the other had jumped me to lay a sap on 
his head before joining the fun. Luckily 
the sweatband of the doorman's uniform 
cap had softened the blow. Both of the 
clowns had knives in their pockets along 
with the old stand-bys, brass knuckles and 
a blackjack. It took one radio call to get an 
LD. on them and they were shoved, hand- 
cuffed, into the rear of the squad car 
nough of the crowd had collected to 
make it an interesting spot in the late news 
coming up, and the reporter said, "Any 
further comment on this, Mr. Hammer?" 
At least she'd remembered my name. 
"They just tried to mug the wrong guy.” 


T said. Then I winked into the lens and 
walked awa 
Upstairs, I called Pat. I ran through the 


dded, “It’s all coming 
buddy They're making 
¢ [know they're watching.” 
You dont scare them, Mike. 

“IF they think I have access to what 
thony had, I can sure shake them up. What 
have you got?" 

“Something extremely interesting. My 
boys came up with another lead, an old 
dealer who is straight now and doesnt 
want his name mentioned in any way 
You're right. It all comes back to when Di 
Сїса shot those two gang leaders and 
picked up that envelope.” 

“And you know what was in it? 

“Yes. Directions.’ 


story again, then 
back 10. DiCic 
su 


wha 
“A truckload of coc 
“Do you realize how much 
“In dollars, the street value is incredible 
it came up via Route Ninety- 
nto the New York area. The trailer wi 
livered to a depot in Brooklyn, all the p 
perwork completed, and the next day 
another tractor signed for it, hauled it out 
and it hasn't been seen to this day.” 
“But somebody would know where the 
cargo went 10." 
5 1 said 


The drivers would 


So they were the only ones who knew?" 

“Why not? The fewer the better. They 
picked their own hiding spot for the ship: 
ment, made up a map and delivered it to 


the bosses. On the way out, they were fol- 
lowed by hit men and taken out in a sup- 
posed accident. The bosses didn't want 
anybody knowing where the stuff went. 
Unfortunately, they were in line for a hit 
themselves that night. And DiCica got the 
map.” 
“Tell me something. How much is the 
street value of the junk today: 
He told me. I let out а low whistle, Nine- 
digit figures are understandable. When 
they reach ten, it’s almost unbelievable. 
“Mike, unless we find that cargo, noth- 
ing will ever end. 
‘Are you checking out all the leads?” 
“The trailer would take 
building to be concealed 
on the assumption that something was 
bought, rather than leased. By now, taxes 
would be owing, and if anything matches, 
we'll be on it. 
“You don't have that 
“Any other options 
“A lot of luck." 


. 

Sickness and injury never stop in the big 
city. It was a bloody night in the emergency 
room, spauers of red on the walls, trails 
stringing along the floors, smeared where 
feet had skidded in its sticky viscosity. The 
walking wounded were crowded һу 
stretchers and wheelchairs and my short 
cut to Velda's floor was blocked. 

When I reached her floor, 
through the steel fire doc 
dor and the wave of quiet was a soft kiss of 
relief. The nurse's desk was to my left, the 
white tip of the attendant's hat bobbing be- 
hind the counter. Someplace, a phone rang 
and was answered. Halfway down the hall, 
а uniformed officer was standing beside a 
chair, his back against ıhe wall, reading a 
paper. 

‘The nurse didnt look up, so I went by 
her. Ivo of the rooms I passed had their 
doors open, and in a half-lit room, I could 
see the forms of the patients, deep in sleep. 
The next two doors were closed and so was 
Хада. 

Until I was ten feet away, the сор didn't. 
give me a tumble, then he turned and 
scowled at me. This was a new one on the 
night shift and he pulled back his sleeve 
and gave a deliberate look at his wrist 
watch, as Ито remind me of the time. 

I said, “Everything OK?" 

For a second, the question seemed 10 
confuse him. Then he nodded. e," he 
replied. “Of course.” 

All I could do was nod back, like it was 
stupid of me to ask, and I let him go back 
to leaning against the wall. At the desk, the 
nurse glanced up. She recognized me and. 
smiled. “Mr. Hammer, good evening.’ 

How's my doll doing?" 

“Just fine, Mr. Hammer. Dr. Reedey was 
in twice today. Her bandages have been 
changed and one of the nurses has even 
helped her with cosmetics." 

“Is she moving around?” 

“Oh, no. The doctor wants her to have 
complete bed rest for now. [t will be several 


1 pushed 
into the corri- 


days before she'll be active at all.” She 
stopped, suddenly realizing the time her- 
self. “Aren't you a little carly?" 

“I hope not.” Something was bothering 
me. Something was grating at me and 1 
didnt know what it was. "Nothing out of 
order on the floor? 

She seemed surprised. “No, everything 
is quite calm, fortunately.” 

A small timer on her desk pinged 
she looked at her watch. “ГИ be back 
few minutes, Mr. Hammer. 

Now I knew what the feeling was. That 
cop had looked at ich, too, and his 
was a Rolex Oyster, a big, fat, expensive 
watch street cops don't wear on duty. But 
the real kicker was his shoes. They were 
regulation black, but they were wing Ups. 
The son of a bitch was a phony, but his rod 
would be for real and whatever was going 
down would be just as real. 

I said, “How long has that cop been on 
her door?" 


"Oh .... he came in about fifteen minutes 
ago.” 

It was two hours too soon for a shift 
change. 


“Did you see the other one check out 
"Well, no, but he could have gone——" 
“They always take the elevators down, 
don't they? 

She nodded, consternation showing in 
her eyes. She got the picture all at once and 
asked calmly, “What shall I do?” 
ve me the phone and you beat it 
Don't look back. Do things the way you al- 
ways do." 

She patted her hair in place, went 
around the counter and stepped on down 
the hall. She didn't look back, I pulled her 
call sheet over where I could see it and 
dialed hospital security. The phone rang 
eight times and nobody answered. I dialed 
ihe operator and she tried. Finally she 
said. "TII put their code on, sir. The guards 
must be making their rounds." 

Or theyre laid out on their backs some- 
place. 

Overhead, the call bell started to ping 
out a quiet code every few seconds 

I hung up and dialed Pat's office. I said, 
“Pat, I have no time for talk. Im at the hos- 
pital and everythings breaking loose. 
"There's а phony cop at the door, so the real 
officer is down somewhere. They're going 
to try to м 
here and 
they'll kill ha 

"They moving now 

1 heard wheels rolling on the tile and 
squinted around the wall. Coming out of 
the last door down on the right an 
empty gurney pushed by a man in an or- 
derly's clothes. They're moving, Pat. 
Shake your 

I hung up and stepped out into the cor- 
ridor, whistling between my teeth, The 
guy pushing the gurney stopped and start- 
ed playing with the mattress. I pushed the 
button on the elevator, looked down at 
the cop who was watching me and waved. 
The phony cop waved back. 


atch Velda. Get some cars up 


» sirens, They smell cops and 


When the elevator halted, I got in, let 
the doors close and pushed the sror but- 
ton. I stood there, hoping the guy pu: 
ing the gurney wouldn't notice the lights 
over the door standing still. The rubber 
ures thumped а little louder, passed the 
elevator, and when I didn't hear them any 
longer, I pushed the open button and 
stared out into the corridor. I took my hat 
off. dropped it on the floor and yanked the 
45 out of the holster. There was a shell in 
the chamber and the hammer on half 
cock. Lihi 
looked down the corridor. 

The guy in the orderlys clothes was 
standing there with an AK-47 automatic 
rifle cradled in hi watching both 
e was low, and 
when he swung, his coat Hopped open and 
it looked like he w ing upper-body 
yj ticking out of Vel- 
strapped onto the c 
the uniform came out of 
her room, a police-service .38 in one hand 
and onc hell of a big bruiser of an automat- 
ic in the other. Unless I got some backup, I 
was totally outgunned and no way could 1 
close in on them without putting Velda's 
life on the line. 
tle code still pinged from the 
ecurity still hadn't answered 

vasted moves this time. The pair 
moved the gurney away from me and 1 
e headed toward the other 
bank of elevators. The phony orderly had 
draped a sheet over the gun on his arm. 
he uniform had hidden the automatic 
but had placed the 38 ou the gi next 
to Veld 

I stepped back into the car, let the doors 
close, pushed the first-floor button and 
hoped nobody tried to get on. Like all hos- 
pital clevators, this one took forever to pass 

h level, and before it stopped, I picked 
hat up and held it over my 45. When it 
reached the first floor, I stepped out. This 
time, I didn't The gurney would be 
moving at proper walking speed. seeming- 
ly going through a normal routine, and as 
long as 1 1, Г could meet 
the building. There was по way this play 
could be stopped without some kind of 
shooting, and I didn't want anybody else in 
the way. 

They came 
stepped outside, 
They had turned toward the walkway door 
and I was waiting out there in the dark. 
There were only а few seconds to look 
around tor their probable course and find 
cover. The walkway curved down to the 
street, but the parking places were filled 
with off-street overnighters, and the cars 
there couldn't handle a limp patient. Un- 
less they had planned on a mobile van or a 
station w y transportation would 
have ther down the 
sight from where I was standing. 

ed on down the walk, 


or just as I 
felt better. 


YOU CAN TELL the holidays are here 


when our tree trimming committee gets 


busy in the Visitors Center. 


We hope you enjoy the Christmas 
season this year more than any 
you can remember. And that 
Jack Daniel's oldtime Tennessee 
Whiskey is one of the reasons 
why. Merry Christmas! 


SMOOTH STPP TN" 
TENNESSEE WHISKEY 


Tennessee Whiskey e 40.43% alcohol by volume (0-86 proof) е Distilled and Bottled by 
Jack Daniel Distillery, Lem Motlow Proprietor, Route І. Lynchburg (Pop 361) Tennessee 37352 


209 


PLAYBOY 


210 


came out first, the AK-47 under his arm, 
still covered. He never took his eyes off the 
arca in front of him, pulling the gurney 
forward with one hand while the other 
pushed from behind 

The gurney finally slid through the 
doors and now the phony cop had the over- 
sized automatic in his hand. 

1 let them pass me, crouching down be- 
hind the cars, and when they were about 
ten feet in front of me, I kept pace with 
their movements. 

A car turned up the road, momentarily 
lighting the area. It swept over the gurney, 
but the two went on in a normal manner. [ 
stepped between the parked cars and let it 
pass. It was a civilian car with a woman at 
the wheel. It seemed like an hour had 
passed, but it had been only a few minutes. 

Hell, the traffic was light. A squad car 
could have been here by now. Another set 
of lights turned up and a truck dropped 
down a gear and lumbered up the hill. 1 
moved down two car lengths, still staying 
close, still silently swearing at the frustrat- 
ing delays in emergency police actions. A 
car made a U turn at the hospital and came 
toward me from the other direction, and 
only when it got past me did a raucous blast 
from the loud-hailer yell, “Freeze, police!” 
and the power lights from the truck 
turned night into day, blinding the two 
men in the glare. 

Everything happened so quickly that 
there was a hesitancy in the movements the 
men made. The phony orderly wasted one 
second trying to strip the sheet from the 
AK-47 and a pair of rapid blasts took him 
down and out. The phony cop jammed 
himself down in a crouch and his gun 
came up to shoot through the bottom of 
the gurney. He was out of thc others sight 
but not out of mine, and I squeezed off a 
single round that took him in the shoulder 
and spun him around like a rag doll. 

I was standing and had my hands over 


my head so the cops wouldn't take me out 
with a wild shot, figuring me for the other 
side. Pat came running up, a snub-nosed 
i fist, and said, “You OK, Mike?” 
No sweat" I took my hands down in 
time to yell and point behind Pat, and he 
turned and fired at the phony cop, who 
was about to let go atthe gurney again. Pat 
put one into the side of his head, blowing 
his brains all over the sidewalk, They all 
came out one side, so his face was gory but 
ll recognizable. 

The area was cordoned off so fast no 
spectators had a chance to get near the 
bodies. Two cops took the gurney out to 
the truck and lifted it into the back, and 
the lady cop from the first car got in with 
Velda and the truck lurched ahead, made a 
turn in the street and headed west. 

Pat took my arm and hustled me toward 
his own marked cruiser that was close by. I 
said, "Where did you guys come from?" 

"Come on, pal, I alerted this team as 
soon as you headed over here.” He yanked 
a portable radio from his pocket and said 
into it, "Charlie squad, what do you have?" 

"There was a click and а hum, and a flat 
voice answered with, “One officer down in 
the patients room, Captain. We have a 
doctor here who says he was sapped, then 
drugged. There are two syringes on the 
bed table, both empty” 

“Ts the officer OK? 

“Vital signs OK, doc says.” 

1 tapped Pat on the shoulder. “Tell him 
to check the last room down the hall on the 
right" 

He passed the message on, and a minute 
later, the receiver hummed and the voice 
“Gota nurse down in there, too, Cap- 
tain. She got the same treatment. The pa- 
tient who was there is gone.” 

"He sure is,” Pat told him. 

As we got into the car, the radio came 
alive again. Pat barked а go-ahcad, and the 
cop on the other end said, “Captain, four 


"And now may I tell you what I—if I were your 
girlfriend —would give you?" 


hospital-security guys just got here. They 
answered a call in the basement and 
wound up locked in a storcroom." 

"Good. Get a statement from them." 

"Roger, Captain." 

He turned the key and put the car in 

gear. Up ahead, the truck was turning the 
corner and he leaned on the gas to catch 
up to it. "Mind telling me where we're go- 
ng?" 1 asked. 
"For tonight, you're going fancy Um 
putting you up in my apartment. Well hold 
you there overnight and get you squared 
away tomorrow. If you wererit a friend, Га 
slap you in a prison ward to keep vou out 
of trouble." 

"Did you get a good look at the guy you 
shot?” 

"I got a good look at both of them.” 

“Make em?” 

He yanked the wheel, going around a 
car and pulling up directly behind the 
truck. “The slob playing cop was Nolo Ab- 
berniche. He started out as a kid with the 
Costello bunch. That bastard has knocked 
off a half dozen guys and all he has is three 
arrests on petty offenses." 

“You seem to have a good line on him." 

“Plenty of fliers, nationwide inquiries. 
Pal, vou are traveling in some pretty heavy 
company: That other guy was Marty Santi- 
no. He's another hit man, but he likes fancy 
jobs. This one was right up his alley” 
Who's paying for it, Pat?" 
hat died with those hoods. You know 
damn well we won't find anyıh 
them in directly with any of the Mob boy 

“Beautiful,” I said. “We wait for them to 
make another run on us.” 

“Not this time, Mike.” 

“Whats that supposed to mean?” I 
asked him. 

“Simple, pal. We have the location of the 
truck. Its in a barn on a farm north of 
Lake Hopatcong, New Jersey on Route 
Ninety-four, just before Hamburg. Be- 
cause it's an interstate operation, the FBI 
can get on this from their local offices a lot 
faster. And we're taking you and Velda out 
of the action. You're 100 important as wit- 
nesses and possible targets to be exposed 
during the mop-up. I know damn well 
you're not going to let her out of your sight, 
so we're setting both of you up at a sale 
house of our choosing. Any objection 

“No.” 

“Good. I thought you'd do it my way for 
once. You'll be covering Velda and we'll be 
covering both of you, just in case. И may 
seem redundant, but we don't want to take 
any chances. Once we haut in that trailer, 1 
expect th 


never quiet around me, Pat. 
hould know that by now." 

shoulder the piece, Mike. You've 
venge.” 

“Hell. Vengeance is mine,” I said, and 
out of the corner of my eye, 1 caught Pat 
grinning at me. We both laughed, while 
the buildings of the city passed by 


| | | [hus | | | (continued from page 101) 


“He would hold me down, rip off my clothes and make 
incredible, mad, wild and wonderful love to me.” 


him and he made it like that for me, too." 
From the moment he seduced her оп 
green-silk sheets at his Mulholland Drive 
n openly admits she had the 
e of her life. When they met, on ng 
he had played hard to 
g he was just another aging 
wolf looking for a one-night 
ember he gave me that killer 
smile of his and whispered, ‘Baby, you're a 
tough nut to crack!" But he was so persist- 
ent, so exciting, so sexy I simply couldn't 
resist. If Jack had been married, I wouldn't 
have agreed to see him. I wouldn't touch a 
icd man with a barge pole, Of cours 
1 knew that Anjelica Huston had been hi 
steady lady for years—you can't miss the 
one picture of her he keeps in his bath- 
room—but | rather gathered their rela- 
tionship had become a friendship thing by 
that time. 
do remember that when her father, 
John Huston, died, Jack was very upset. I 
knew that the three of them had made 
Prizzis Honor together and that Jack ad- 
mired the old man immensely. But on the 
night before Mr. Hustons funeral, Jack 
called me up to his house and 1 had to 
wonder why he wasn't consoling Anjelica 
instead of making love to me. My God, he 
was passionate that night! 
But that's Jack all over, vou sec. Hi 
у is a horny little devil. He has this image 
of being a bit like Bogart, a lovable rogue, 
а naughty little boy, if you like, and that's 
¿just how he is.” 
On the other hand, Karen says, Jack is a 
culture vulture, a man of high taste and 
style who loves the arts, classical music, the 
opera, the theater. His home is packed 
with priceless antiques and paintings: 
There's a Picasso on his living-room wall. 
The other side of J is a fun-lover, a 
devil-may-care hedonist who adores to in- 
dulge himself in the pleasures of the flesh. 
Jack just loves to play se 
so do I. He alway 
about in saucy underwear, garter belts and 
gs, that sort of thing. I was alway 
y little knickknacks to please him at 


a 
Hollywood 


stoc 
buy 
night 

“He liked to take naughty pictures of me 
with his Polaroid camera. Sometimes he 
would want me to be totally submissive 10 
him. Hed smile and, with that glint in h 
s that all his female fans would recog- 
c, hed say ‘Tm going to have to tie you 
up and spank you for being a bad girl. 

“Fd run off giggling and screaming, but 
he'd always catch me, naturally . . . Then 
he would hold me down, rip off my clothes 
and make incredible, mad, wild and won- 
derful love to me. Jack really is the most 


exciting man in the world at times like 
that. Sex with him is both a pleasure and a 
pain, in every sense. . 

“One night, he got so carried away, so 
passionate, he left me with a real problem 
in the morning. 1 was filming Out of the 
Dark at the time and it took the make-up 
girl all of two hours to cover up the impact 
of Jack's lovemaking! 

“There's only one time of day when Jack 
doesnt want to do it. . . in the mornings. 
Now, Hove to have sex when I wake up, but 
Jack gets very grumpy Any other time, he's 
there, ready апа randy as the devil; but 
when hes snoring away after a long night 
of love, you'd better not wake him up! 1 
learned not to do that pretty quic! 
"Jack's a very noisy love-maker when he 
gets going, a real grunter, and he likes a lot 
of verbal encouragement, too, but the 
strangest thing about him in bed is his 
ability to make his hair stand on end to the 
point of no return. I never could under- 
stand how he did that. It was as if he had 
been electrocuted! I used to spend hours 
going through his bathroom cabinets to 
see what brand of styling mousse or h 
spray he used, but I never did find an 
ting. 

“The other funny habit he had was eat- 
ing peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches in 
bed. He said he had to keep his strength 
up! 


“Jack was like a drug to me. He was very 
addictive. Life was one big high when he 
was around. He had me completely 
hooked fora long time. Of course, all good 
things must end. 

“Sometimes when men throw them- 
selves at you, the only way to treat them is 
badly. You lose respect for them and you 
move on. So Jack went to London to make 
Batman and 1 got on with my career. | 
guess the age difference told in the end. 
Actu; lack is about the same age as my 
mother. Perhaps I should have introduced 
them—thats a joke. Ha, ha! Му mum will 
kill me for that." 

So whats in the future for this spunky, 
outspoken actress the British critics are 
calling the new Joan Collins 

Currently, shes studying with acting 
coach Jeff Corey—he worked with Nichol- 
son, too—and looking for bigger, better 
and more challenging movie roles. “I love 
to play bad girls, characters who are psy- 
chologically complex, living on the ейде. 

Karen is also working on a book—she 
won't say what it's about—and rehearsing 
with a new rock-and-roll band to bc 
launched in the new year. 

“J simply love to perform, you see. 
"T heres always this desire to be a little self- 
indulgent. No, very self-indulgent! But for 
an actress, thats not a good thing, so I 
have to make up for it in my personal life 
in every way I can. 

"When I was a little girl, my very proper. 
very British father used to say to me t 
good little girls should be seen and not 
heard, and 1 guess Ive been rebelling 
against that particular piece of advice ever 
since.” And how! 

Ej 


5 how it works, Mr. Claus—we 


will pick up all your packages and fly them to 
Memphis. We will then guarantee overnight delivery to 
every address in the world and you will 
never have to leave this office!” 


211 


PLAYBOY 


212 


LUCKY PIERRE  «ouiud from page 136) 


“Lucky Pierre, last of the great pornographic-film 
icons, is hoisted upside down.” 


clean and fragrant. Cast in his misery, he is 
offended by such a picture of health. She 
picks through an array of instruments, her 
metallic nails clicking, selects an otoscope 
and a scnsitometer. 

"Locks like a bad case of advanced mis- 
entropy!" she chuckles, winking at her col- 
leagues. 

"Critical, doctor?" 

"Fetal, Um afraid." 

Her breasts are high and pointed, her 
belly as flat and tight as a drumhead, her 
buttocks packed full and firm in the 
starchy white skirt. She is encircled by the. 
glint of stainless steel and the glaze of 
lights, by wall charts and diplomas, by the 
hum of apparatus and the soft, hushing 
movement of nurses and production assis 
ants. She peers under his eyelids, into his 
ears and nostrils, down his throat, dictat- 
ing to an aide: "Signs of hypopraxia, idio- 
dynamic delusions, hot lips and circadian 
decubitus. Deglutition and exteroceptors 
normal. More or less. There are cunt hairs 
between his teeth: Query cohort relation- 
ships." 

“Не seems so cold and letbargic, doc- 
dore 

“Yes, a consequence, perhaps, of over- 
cranking..." 

She leans down to listen tO 
pressing her pubis against his han 
almost to move, to caress him. Curious, or 
perhaps simply because he is who he 
turns his hand over to hold it in his palm, 
less numb, somehow; than the rest of him. 

"Aha!" She smiles. “Feeling better?” 

She peeks under his gown. 

“My goodness! 1 guess you are!" 

“A .. terrible fall, СЁ 

“Yes, | recognize the symptoms” 

"No, the fall, I mean - . - a rupture of 
some kind. Permanent. | think . . . or 
worse!’ 

THE END, he means, but she just laughs 
and мий» his awakening hand up her 
skirt. 

“You're 100 suggestible!" 

Her mound is warm and wet, thic 
padded with wiry little curls. Her labia 
seem to reach out, grip his fingers, count 
them, twist his knuckles, read the palm 

"Hmm. Moderate _ hypopselaphesia, 
probably transient and cryogenetic. Ugly 
wart on the social finger. Diarthrodial at 
ticulation, synergetic and tender. Severe 
agnails, symptoms of ambivalence, but el- 
fectively excitomotory” 

“Voluptafacient, doctor?” asks a nurse. 

Quite. Feels good, too. Yum! Decussate 
life and love lines, implying endopathic 
abiotrophy of the essential humors. Turn 
him over and lets have a reverse-angle 
look at his old arriére-voussure!” 


As they pull hand away to roll 
him over, her cunt sucks up his fingers . . . 
then—ffllipop.—lets them go. Procum- 
bent, he fecls the chill come on again. That 
fall: по saving jump cuts this time, no 
fades, no soft dissolves; they let him hit 
bottom and even filmed the bounce. Didn't 
even slow it down. Neorealism, they called 
it. For Clara's sake: her demand for un- 
mediated authenticity. You cant anatomize 
a mock-up, as she likes to say. She wants the 
truth, the hard-core truth, 24 times a sec- 
ond, even if she has to create it herself. 
Now her assistants spread his knees and el- 
bows out, adjust his balls for him, untie his 
gown. Clara smiles down at what she sees, 
slaps his buttocks. 

“On thc homcly face of it, Га have to de- 
scribe it as dasygenal, wouldn't you, girl 

“Is it... is it serious, doctor?" he wants 
10 know, prepared for the worst. 

“Very serious,” she laughs. “It means 
have a hairy ass. Ex facie. Relax. You may 
as well enjoy this” 

She spreads his cheeks, sniffs about сг 
cally, squeezes a pimple, pokes a procto- 
scope into his rectum. 

“What does it look like in there, doctor?” 

“Not a pretty picture, I'm afraid. Some 
evidence of diathetic dystcology, as well as 
time-orientation compulsions, possibly due 
toa faulty diet. Beuer stick an explosime- 
ter up there, while I take a look at his tail. 
What's left of it” 

“An explosi—what?” 

She probes the base of his spine, finds a 
raw nerve, sending him bucking off the 
table. 

“Youww! Damn it, Clara, take it easy! 
That hurt!” 

“There it is, girls, that's where the old 
caudal appendage got broken off. The 
original hypostatic disunion; he's been 
looking for it ever since. Thus, the first 
phase of hominization: the quest motive. 
Which in the present instance has degen- 
crated into a kind of sacral eschatology— 
you can sce the open sore here—confused. 
by the dysgnostic assumption that woman 
was created from that severed tail and to 
this day, as the doggerel goes, must serve 
his will and solace his posteriors still!” 

The nurses hoot mockingly at that and 
beat his nates with stethoscopes and clip- 
boards, artificial limbs, leather traction 
belts and rubber blood-pressure tubes, 
wagging their own tails excitedly and 
scratching their fleas 

"s true!” he protests weakly. “I re- 
member и...” 

“Forget the past, dear Lucky, it's mostly 
waste. There is, as they rightly say, no fu- 
ture in it” 

“But what does it matter, Clara? There's 


no future anyway. I'm finished, I know 
that. The reel's run out. . . . 

“Bullshit. Despair is a metapho 
other. 

^L just want to sleep. 
No doubt. We all suffer these gesticidal 
tendencies. The lure of the fade-out, But 
don’t worry. You're in my film now, dear boy 
my care. Experto credite. Look: Already 
your ass is as red as a rose in bloom! Jt 
won't soon go to sleep again!" 

"Iis not my ass that's the problem, Clara, 
it's my head, my heart .. .!" 

She laughs at his confusions. 105 true. 
What does he know about anatomy? He's a 
complete dope. 

“Rig him up for stress analysis,” she says 
to her assistants. 

His feet are bound together in ankle 
cuffs, and Lucky Pierre, last of the great 
pornographic-film icons, is hoisted upside 
down and hung from a gambrel stick. The 
gown is stripped away and he is smeared 
over with a photoclastic covering. Weights 
are suspended from his arms, neck, mu: 
tache, penis and navel, and a stereoscope is 
fitted to his eyes. He is subjected to a se- 
quence of 3-D images—body parts, falling 
buildings, circus acts, snowstorms, genteel 
sodomies, worm fucking, electrocutions 
and the like—while the doctor studies the 
isochromatic patterns got by bombarding 
m with polarized light. 

“But I've given it all I've got, Clara,” he 
whimpers, his tongue flopping against the 
roof of his mouth. “I've really tried. . . .” 

“I know. That's why you've been sent to 
me. Haye faith. And don't press the chick- 
en switch. When in doubt, exercitate! Or- 
thopraxy saves and all that. My! Look at 
those gorgeous colors!" 

While she watches him, he is watching 
the collapse of ecosystems, the gang bang 
of a child star, castrations and bicycle 
races, the fall of an airplane, the discovery 
of the optical printer, and as blood rushes 
to his head, he thinks, She's right, our bod- 
ies are full of chaos and violence; it's the 
way they express themselves. All actors 
have to understand that; the integrity of 
our performances depends upon it. Let it 
roll. 


¢ any 


E 


ach color indicates the magnitude of 
stress at each part of the system." the doc- 
tor is explaining to her assistants, who are 
oohing and ahing at the sight of him all lit 
up like that. 

“What lovely spots of blue there in his 
belly, doctor! 
fes, the hypochondrium, of course. 
Nearby, that ugly black spot is the liver, 
where much of the murder takes place, 
and, as is to be expected, it’s the locus of 
least stress.” 

“But, oh, my, look at h 
as though they're on fire! 
le by contrast, observe that the 
penis, which is self-evidently diageotropic 
and so subject to additional gravitational 
demands, runs nevertheless—following 
the speeding train of received images— 
the whole spectrum, now black and flaccid, 


¡estes! ИЗ almost 


Good Smoke. 
Great Price. 


» / 


£) 1989... REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 


LITES ВОХ: 9 та. “tar”, 08 mg. nicotine, FILTER: 14 mg Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 
“tar”, 0.9 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


PLAYBOY 


214 


now crimson and aroused. now a strai 
ing. luciferous white, as though unsure ol 
its own enthusiasms or responsibilities.” 
“Ies rather like his head, doctor. It looks 
like a bowl of lit-up fruit! 
“True, but the head contains all these 
colors at once, like а syncretic contexture 
of shifting options, you might say. while his 
penis dysmnesiac experience of these 
states is serially diachronic.” 
ash, you're right! That sure makes ita 
whole lot prettier, doesnt. 
's wonderful what you can learn from 
a silly old dick, doctor 
“Ex pene Herculem. my deas 
Good heavens!" 


his heart, doctor!" 
irn. You've noticed.” 
. iS green! 

The doctor sighs, smiles, casts a long, аГ- 
fectionate glance at the patient. 

“Yes, it. italmost makes you believe in 
love again, doesn't it?” 

Doctor!” 

The doctor laughs and switches off the 
polarized light 

"Take him down, exuvi, im, then os- 
culate his pecker, please, and give me a со 
efficient of viscosity ng in centipois 

While the doctor withdraws to her desk 
to fill out her examination report and feed 
the data into her bank of computers, her 
assistants. unshackle him, remove the 
stereoscope and peel off the photoelastic 
sheath. One of the nurses slides a catheter 
down his urethra, reaches up under his 
scrotum and manipulates the тах deferens 
with little pumping motions and, sucking 
gently on the tube, draws off a small spec 
men of semen. He shudders: a certain tin- 
gling remin 
the spasm. Leaves him feeling suspended, 


EAN 
SS 


РЕ 


weird, nervous somehow, at the edge, 
much as one feels when one has to sneeze 
but cannot, and he worries now about hav- 
ing come here: Is there to be an opera 
Will he leave here alive? He reaches up to 
n self relief, but they rap his knuck- 
ha steel rule. 

make us strap you down, now!" 

"The doctor wants it spick-and-span! 
She'll sec you in a minute.” 

“Pl Alı-choo! Please. 

"The sample, doctor. It's pretty st 
stuff” 

“Thank you. Mmm, tastes good, too. I 
can see why they are using it as an excipi- 
ent. Pity he's been wasting so mı 

“Come on, Clara, goddamn 
wrong! Help me get it off!" 

“Are you always in such a hurry 


Y 


She weighs his stones on а 
ance, listens to them, waggles them about, 
beats a small electronic gong with them: 
hollow, echoey sound. Why does she care? 
Her appetite for knowledge arouses in 
some small part his own. It's important, he 
thinks. to be possessed like that. To be so 
eager to be alive and aware, it drives vou 
mad. She reads the signals from the gong, 
runs a profilometric check on his penis, 
tries to bend it, slaps at it to see in which 
direction it bobs. 

“Pubes: pterygoid. Calluses: clitoridean 
Shear modular: impressive." 

She nips at his glans with her teeth, 
stretches his prepuce, clucking her tongue 
ominously, separates the lips of his penis, 
peers down the urethra. 

“Whew! That's a pretty long fall at that!" 
she admits. 

“I told you...” 

“Would one of you girls dim the lights, 
please?" 


“Its a magical vision of Christmas, Al. Everything off 
the back of a truck except the tree.” 


The office darkens. Clara adjusts the 
aperture with a little twist at the base of his 
prick. Her hands are smooth and cool. 
good hands to be in in this crisis 

“What's t about these little 
things.” she ing, "is their power 
of resolution, It’s a kind of optical illu- 
son..." 

The nurses murmur appreciatively and 
take turns pecking inside while the doctor 
holds it open. As she touches and plays 
with him, he relaxes. He knows that. 
ooner or later, she will satisfy him, and 
will satisty him as no one else can, because 
the inevitability of her doing so is part of 
the subtext that informs all her films, un 
scripted though she pretends them to be 

“Now, the heart of these systems,” the 
doctor is explaining, “is the intermittent 
mechanism. This one uses an advanced 
spring-loaded, oscillating claw—if you 
look down in there, you'll be able to see it— 
which in turn is backed up by one of the 
most ancient of such devices, the old-fash- 
ioned dog movement, using the eccentric 
pin. See it wiggle there? Yes, that's it.” 

"Isn't it rather troublesome to have two 
paradoxical systems in one mechanism, 
doctor?” 

“Perhaps. But this is the price for ver- 
за ну and sufic P 

“What's that little gaugelike device up 
here near the nose, doctor? 

“That's to adjust the speed. Its what 
makes many of your special effects possi- 
ble.” 

She presses 
shaft, 
light pours t 
age on the c 
wallowing i 


lile trigger under the 
buck and slap the table and 
igh, casting a moving im- 
ng: He, Lucky Pierre, is 
ps of unwound Alm up 
there and beautiful young starlets are 
cracking their maidenheads on his cock 
like champagne bottles. 

“vs only recently,” the doctor is saying, 
“that we have come t0 understand the go 
ads as part of the central nervous system. 
In the past. we tended to isolate them 
purely in terms of their hypothetical re- 
productive functions, failing to sce that 
this anthropocentric bias ignored the com- 
munities within and the universal order 
without 

Her grip on his prick is firm but sooth- 
ing. His hips have stopped bucking, but he 
still seems to be experiencing the orgasm 
Not as good as most orgasms, true, but bet- 
ter than the fr ion that went before, 
and he enjoys the prolonged effect. On the 
ceiling, dying spermatozoa are arranging 
themselves into astrological signals 

“We now know that no sense data— 
which is to say no data at all—enter mans 
central nervous system without simulta- 
neous transmission to the gonads and 
the same time, that no mental proces 
1 place, no matter wi logic circuits 
may have been implemented by prior envi- 
ronmental en; ing, without gonad 
k and involvement.” 
ber a time when а 
mean girl in school stuffed his prick in an 


OUR 5-DISC CD CHANGER GIVES YOU AT LEAST 
j HOURS OF UNINTERRUPTED PLAYING TIME. 


At Technics, 
magnificent music 
audience to their f set in a con 
But not in a living room. 
ед our new 
ger. Thanks to 


E 
ne пур an ke 
music going, nonstop, all night if 


Plus, the SL-PC20 allows you to 


inch or 


note control. And a high- 
tor. 
her, they allow you to swiftly 
go from one track to another in a random 
order, as often as you 


io separate digital-to-analog 
3 er 


The Technics 5-Disc CD Changer. 
Because, we think the music from your 
CD Changer should continue as long as 
the mood does. 

FREE CD OFFER 

Get 2 free CD's plus up lo 12 more 
with a free membership in the BMG 
Compact Disc Club, when you pur 
chase any Technic: > player beh 
Sept. 15 and Dei 
participating Tec ы 5 е! for details 


Technics 


The science of sound 


DeKuyper Defroster: 


BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING on a Downhill 
Chaser: DeKuyper* Peppermint Schnapps straight 
up with a peppermint stick. Its just one of the 40 
DeLicious DeKuyper cordials sure to warm the 

chills and soothe the spills aprés ski. 


Deuspere Согда and Liqueurs. IS lc vol Bote by John DiKuyper and Son, Einwond Place, ОН. € 1984 


inkwell, but on the ceiling now, his teacher is showing him an 
apple with the laws of gravity written on it 

"And as you may have surmised Irom our previous stress 
analysis, the peculiar design factor of the gonads, perhaps be- 
cause of the relative brevity of their intracommunal life cycles, 
is their augmented processor impact and diminished storage 
capacities, such that their peculiar contribution to mental activ- 
ity is projection. . . ." 

He cats the apple and falls through space at 32 feet per sec- 
ond per second, thinking, This apple tastes just like a cunt! 
Somewhere, he hears the sound of blades being sharpened, and 
the doctor's fingers have become as rigid and cold as steel 

“I assume you all know how this gadget works. You've taken 
these things apart 

"Yes, but if there were snatching or excessive tension on our 
perforations, doctor, where would we . 

You'd open it right here." 

On the ceiling, the doctor has grown fangs and scowling 
brows and is stealing up on the patient with a gleaming scalpel 

“You see? We could completely dissemble it, if you like. . 

The doctor, grinning evilly, has slashed off the patient's geni- 
tals and is going for his heart, his head, but he pulls himself to- 
gether, The doctor withdraws, cowering in a dark corner, her 
eyes gleaming like burning coals. Perhaps she has not yet struck 
the first blow. Perhaps she is naked 

“Efforts have been made to temper the impact of the gonads 
signal digression and distortion through increasingly complex 
program designs for nonhuman cybernetic components, but, 
clearly, if man is to remain relevant, he must rem: 


in close to the 


transdimensional mainstream of life and, thu: 


must keep his 

gonads plugged into all his mental processes, and screw the 
consequences, to coin a phrase.” 

The doctor has discovered his throbbing cock. The scalpel 

falls from her trembling hand. Her fangs recede, her eyes gla 

216 Over with excitement. Cautiously, she approaches, her hea 


thumping visibly in the walls of her steaming cunt 

"That's not to say that these projections of the gonads are in 
themselves reliable stimuli for sound behavior—on the contrary! 
Barrel distortion, curvature of field, chromatic aberration, recur- 
rent clap and flicker are only a few of the typical defects. The cir- 
cle-of-con fusion factor has never been satisfactorily resolved and 
tends to be infectious. Moreover, just as cerebral logic systems at- 
tempt to think out problems, the gonads instinctively try to fuck 
their way out. Thus, as you can see above, our subject somehow 
supposes he can neutralize what he has interpreted and project 
ed as hostility by fucking me into quiescence or even affection. 
And who knows—ha, ha!—he may be right!” 

Before mounting him, the hovering doctor inserts an endo- 
scopic camera in her womb to photograph the attitude during 
entry and exit and shoves an extensometer up her ass to measure 
him through the separating membrane. Her golden body is as 
sleek and hard as a mannequin's—nothing sags or wobbles, not a 
blemish or a wrinkle—yvet it's rumored she may be more than 300 
years old! The wonders of science! 

“He even perceives this coitus to be initiated by me, but these 
projections are occluded by a veritable montage of ambivalence. 
Behind the mad-doctor sequence, you will discover the indiffer- 
ent doctor, the heroic doctor, the incompetent doctor; the corrupt 
and the distracted doctor. If I adjust the focus, you will see pro- 
jections that include yourselves, others of the city streets, his 
workplace, the decaying cosmos, his assumed past.” 

She does a kind of split across his body, one hand on his knee, 
the other pressing down on his belly. 

“Does it hurt? Good. 

Slowly, methodically, she lowers herself, and he feels her clitoris 
probe the length of his penis. feels the lips caress. suck. nibble: 
taste, pucker, blow, nip, feels her pubes thud softly, springily 
against his own 

“There is an associative rhythm to all these projections, which 
will become morc evident as coitus proceeds, but it is clear that 


“Hey, you a Libra?” “Save it, alright? “Hi, buy you 
a." "Buzz off, weirdo? “Excuse me, wanna have a 


Wild Fling? 
pineapple juice and a splash 
but that sounds good, too? 


WilderBerry,” 4 02. 
cranberry?" ^N 


апаа Weer vues Lau ША sl v. tid by Dee ndn nd Prr ОН © ba 


Ое! ectable 


О 


“My baby’s got the BluesBerry/"she mixes it upall 
the time. My baby’s got the BluesBerry, she mixes 
it up all the time. When she mixes one measure of 
Blues with three of cranberry juice, nothin'sso fine 

thank you and goodnight? 


—MM 


the projections are not any freer from the influence of the prima- 
ry and secondary sense organs than our so-called rational opera- 
tions are [rom the influence of the gonads.” 

He seems to see the wet red walls of her vagina, as though lit by 
quartz-iodine lamps, and beyond the lamps: glare, the fierce dark 
lens of the endoscopic camera. He wishes to perform well 

"Thus, advanced cineman’s relationship with his gonads is not 
more remote; it is simply more complex. He has a heightened 
awareness of pattern, but also a heightened awareness of imme- 
diacy and randomness. Cineman is more space conscious, but he 
is also more time conscious. Motion is his very essence, yet по hu- 
manoid in the evolutionary scale was ever more conscious of 
configuration, fields. reaction formations or paradox. Kineties is, 
finally, that science exclusively concerned with stasis.” 

He leaps and thrusts in the glistening red chamber, the insou 
pupilless eye of the camera now taunting him, infuriating 
1: He strives to reach it, to smash it with a head-on blow. 

He knows the circular reel and the square frame. His logic 
shave led him to transcend art, his gonads have—ah!— 
a beyond history 


syst 
led hi 

The oozing walls flex and ripple, pushing him away, pulling 
him back, The extensometer is grabbing at him through the (hin 
membrane, testing him 

“He knows he must turn away from abstractions and—foo!- 
fantasies toward the concrete. knows he must cope more directly 
with—ungh!—with disorientation and—ah! oh'—oh, this is 
beautiful! this is good!—with disorientation and entropy, yet he 
achieves (his—ah! uf!—through a new respect for—oh!—for 
symbolic systems—hah!—and purely conceptualized —wouw! 

Strains toward the fucking lens, cant reach it. The walls grab 
him. He feels himself coming gloriously apart. “Now!” he cries, 
explodes, smashes the lens with his own eruptive death. Strobes 
spin and crash, screams rend the deep silence, darkness falls 
about him, collapsing like a starry sky. Some lost part of him 
Ёз away 


shudders and s 


Later, he hears his own heartbeat. The wet red walls are the 
insides of his own eyelids. He thinks, 1 have been dreaming all 
this. I will awake in my own bed, my pajamas sticky and wet 
with cold come. 1 will walk through the sullen crowds and the 
blowing snow to the studio. My май will give me a hot bath and 
we will make films together. But when he opens his eyes, he is 
still in the doctor's office. This frightens him y real is 
happening! The doctor, in her immaculate white uniform, 
is taking read-outs from her computers. Her assistants are dis- 
mantling and storing apparatus, preparing flow charts, admir- 
ing the splotch of dripping sperm on the ceiling high above. 
“Am 1... am I going to be all right?" he asks faintly 

The doctor comes over to him, gazes down, touches a cool 
and to his forehead 

Yes, I think so," she says. 

He knows she is lying. It is serious, after all. He has made 
some kind of mistake. It's as though the very genre has been vi- 
olated at the root, and there's nothing he can do about it. 

“I want to know everything,” he says, as a confession. 

“You are suffering from hypotyposis compounded by severe 
parabologyny. 1 predict an episode of feverish protocunnicide, 
but this should be for the best, and at least an entertainment.” 

He sees something in her eyes he hasnt noticed before. A 
glint of communicative warmth behind the professional detach- 
ment. And the way she said entertainment 
Clara, 1... Hove you! What shall 1 do? 
at more balanced meals, exercise regularly, brush your 
teeth at least twice a day and, for the present, go home and get 
under a sun lamp." 

“No, I mean 

“That's a print,” she says firmly. She hands him a prescription 
the size of an idiot card and he is wheeled out of the office and 
off the screen. 

[Y] 


omet! 


He never has a cross word, You like how hemonop- 
olizes your time. Its not just another pursuit of the 


trivial. So stop playing around. 299 
Give him the Original Fuzzy DeLiciously 


Navel: 1% oz. Peachtree® 
Schnapps, and plenty of o.j. 
over ice. 


DeKuyper 


Кес Org btm Sor npe BV alc vel Бие! he Rig Se Firma Pre ӨН € Ji 


PLAYBOY 


218 


SEN 


from this у 


cars gift list!” 


“ИУ Ferguson—the one person we thought we could drop 


WILLIE HORTON 


mtinued from page 166) 
n order to whip up public ange 
fear. Obviously, many people resent the 
gains that blacks and poor. people have 
made in recent years. H they had their way, 
they d like to return to the good old days, 
when blacks and poor people had to 
shuffle for crumbs. ‘Today, these bigots 
don't go ош and beat up black people anv- 
more. They do it with a paper and pen 
And that's what happened to me. 

Sadly, theres no black leader who pos- 
sesses the moral authority of the late Dr. 
Martin Luther Ki Jr. If this had hap- 
pened to me when he was alive, 1 believe 
that the public would have known the 
truth by now. In many ways, blacks are 
their own worst enemies. We have a tend- 
ency to blame everyone else for our prob- 
lems. And those who do make it often say, 
“To hell with everyone else. Emade it 
I'm not going to let anybody take 
from me" And some politicia 
George Bush—wont let the old hatreds 
dic. Why? Because they understand that 
racial smears win electi 
PLAYBOY? As you know, 
disavowed the ad and ordered that il be 
discontinued. 
ноктох: Bush said he did not authorize the 
ad, that it was produced by the National 
Security Political Action Committee, which 
totally independent of the Republican 
campaign. Bullshit. The fact is, the com- 
mittee worked for George Bush. And it 
was headed by his top media advisor, 
Roger n 10 say that Bush 
had по idea what was going on? Hell, he 
used to be the head of the СТА. If you be- 
ve that statement, Гуе got some terrific 
ad that you might like to buy. 1 
didnt graduate from Yale, but E can cer- 
tainly tell à scam when | sec one. 
ing that President 


woes and 


поктох: Look, 
1 dont know what motivates him. But I 
don't dislike him or hate him. I do, howev- 
er, take strong exception to what he did— 
which was to fuel racial fears by implying 
that if Governor Dukakis were elected, he 
would unleash monsters like myself on an 
ng public 
rge Bush a racist? That depends. 
He may just be a cheap political oppor- 
tunist. But 1 cant help but question his 
moral judgment. And this from a man who 
wrapped himself in the flag and ques- 
tioned Dukakis’ “immoral” lack of concern 
for the safety of the public and his "weak" 
stance on crime. Who is he kidding? Isn't 
he the same George Bush who played foot- 
e with General No And isn't he the 
me George Bush who said he knew noth- 
ng about the Iran/Contra scandal? Come 
fooling who? 

: Some people will find it hard 10 
stomach your lectures about President 
Bushs morality—particularly since they 
come from one convicted of murder, rape, 


orge Bush. 


Anytime, Anywhere! 
Healthlech's advanced electromuscle training 
system works muscles harder and faster than any 
form of voluntary exercise—anywhere. Currently 
being studied by NASA for use in space. 
Recommended by NFL coaches and world class 
athletes. Call for free instructional V. 


video. 


The HeatrHTecH Advantage 
я Portable~at home or on the go 
= Computer controlled programmable operation for 
precision and maximum body training results 
= 2 yea warranty ты 
ө FREE 30-DAY НЛЕМОМЕНВАСК GUARANTEE * “pe * 
(minus shipping & arcing) ut 
* 
MANUAL PROGRAMMABLE 
#2000 $249 #6000 $775 Send free brochure 
#0000 $475 ~ #1000 $975, 
(aa SDSS (Айза Cllfrcutu USA shiping. 


HEALTHTECH, INC. Dept Pe 
лаз Rollins Ave. 2341 + оске, MD 20852 
VISA отет: 1-800-333-8663 Or 1-800-872-8787 


ste be used by egara women претит uing 
Endler Ail Yous doc асат tar f ya 


IZES: 5-12 

WIDTHS: B-EEE 
FINE MEN'S 
SHOES 


ook just like ordinary shoes except hidden inside 
is a height increasing innermold. Wide selection 
available including dress shoes, boots, sport shoes. 
and casuals, Moneyback guarantee. Exceptionally 
comfortable. Call or write today for your FREE 
color catalog. MD. RESID. CALL 301-663- 


TOLL-FREE 1-800-343-3810 
ELEVATORS? Û 


RICHLEE SHOE COMPANY. DEPT. PBID 
Р.О. BOX 3566, FREDERICK, MD 21701 


CABLE TV CONVERTERS 


Scientific Atlanta a EE 


CABLETRONICS 


Jerrold * Oak * Hamlin 
38526 Grand River * Suite 282 * Farmingion НИК. MI 48024. 
Telephone 1-800-727-2300 


To place an ad in 

PLAYBOY MARKETPLACE call 
1-800-592-6677, 

New York State call 
212-702-3952 


kidnaping and robbery 
norton: I did not murder, rape or 
kidnaping. Sure, I've made mistakes—lots 
of them. I don't deny it. Гуе lived life on 
the edge—and, at times, Гус been my own. 
worst enemy. But people make mistakes. 
What about forgiveness? Doesn't that exist 
anymore? I've matured over the years, Im 
not the same person that I was ten years 
ago. I've changed. Don't I have that right? 
Yeah, I stabbed a man. Yeah, I sold 
drugs. Yeah. I stole a car. But | did not 
commit murder. I did not commit таре. 
And I did not commit kidnaping. That's 
the truth. I'm not proud of my past. Who 
would be? On the other hand, Im not 
unique. Like lots of others, my early years 
were spent on the streets. It may have been 
a bad life, and people may condemn me for 
it, but that was all | knew. 
PLAYBOY: During the campaign, were you 
ever contacted by Bush's people? 
HORTON: | can't be sure, but I can surmise. I 
had several bizarre experiences. For exam- 
ple, one day I was at work when the assist- 
ant warden called me into his office. He 
said to me, "I have somebody on the tele- 
phone who wants to talk to you." I decided 
to take the call, in the presence of him and 
his secretary. The caller s; "Hello, are 
you Willie Horton?” I said, "Yes, I am 
And she said she wanted to discuss the 
election—and who 1 would vote for, if I 
could. She wanted to manipulate me into 
endorsing Dukakis, so that Bush and his 
cronies could further damage the gover- 
nor's campaign. 
pLaveov: Do you know for 
was a Bush campaign offic 
contact you again? 
ноктох: No, 1 dont know her actual posi- 
tion or connection with the Bush cam- 
paign. She wrote me several leuers, but I 
never answered any of them. I will say, 
however, that she identified herself as a Re- 
publican but was deliberately vague when 
L asked her what she did. She simply said 
that she worked for an organization 
affiliated with the Bush campaign, in 
Washington, D.C., that was established to 


ertain that she 
1? Did she ever 


elect George Bush President. 
ылувоу: There was a photograph of you 
that was 


sed by the Bush campaign that 
you looked de- 
niacal. Where did that pic 
come (rom? 

Horton: Hell, I agree with you—that pic- 
turc would have scared the shit out of me, 
too. It was horrible, really horrible. It 
makes me look incredibly evil. Let me tell 
you the story behind the picture: When 1 
was being arrested, I was shot several 
times in the abdomen by the police and 
was rushed to the hospital. 1 stayed there 
for about two weeks, during which I had 
two operations. After I was discharged, 
they took me to the detention center in Up- 
per Marlboro, Maryland. where 1 was 
placed in the hospital ward. I slept on a 
mattress on a concrete slab, with several 
staples and a cast on my right arm. Not too 
long afterward, a guard accused me of 


ture 


‘The perfect Christmas gift for the lady in your life. 


Pink satin basque with FREE (512 
gestring and stockings. Specify size 
ENTIRE SET ONLY $39.95. 

ORDER NOW TO GUARANTEE 

CHRISTMAS DELIVERY! 
Call Now for MasterCard ФФ or Visa BE 
1-800-950-3536 24 Hrs Days 
Or rush your order today with check, money order 
or charge card number and expiration date (FL 
residents add 6% sales tax) to: 
Camelot London Collection 
2601 E. Oakland Park Boulevard, 
Dept. PL-001 

Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33306 
Phas receive 0 olor Catalog featuring Europe's 
Mest Exquisitely Alluring Lingerie and Fashions at unbeat 
ане prices FREE with your order. It not ordering send only 
$100 rofundahl with. 

30 Day Money Back Sats 
US. FUNTS ONLY 


1) matching 
30-38-40. 


in Guarantee 


“Т ALIVE" 


The Electronic Trophy Full Size Fish 


(rd 


RETTET 


Tn eT A RATE 
canet lola ne ah Enea tum Per 
Е edi fara cepa ie 
Son wg ta nera Now aan 
ау en. ga а уш ae erry 
AER 
SS 5495 Mn Tone ШШЩ 
ptr ra une Adam 
or 
S.A.M. Electronics 27o Bamot он coss 


MOVIE POSTERS 


АН current titles plus thousands more. Actu 
posters as used by theatres. Lobby cards, stills, 
much more. HUGE selection - FAST service! Giant 
‘catalogue $3.00 (refundable). 

CINI MA CITY 


PO. BOK 1012P, MUSKEGON, М 49443 


FL 


AJ 


eo 


Cartouche 


IKK Solid Gold from $140 00 


Sterling Silver from 5 35.00 
A pendent with your name in. 
Ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics 


Free info, 800-237-3759 У + AMEN e Disc 
Or write: Nationwide, Box НАЯ А, PGH., BS. 15220 


219 


PLAYBOY 


220 


attempting to escape, so they moved me to 
a segregation unit in the hospital, which is 
designed for so-called rough criminals— 
those they cant control. I remained in that 
cell for six to ten months, during which I 
wasnt allowed to shave or get a haircut. 
That's when they took the picture. 

yo: When he was asked about the 
photograph Lee Atwater s that the 
aign had "a firm policy not to use Mr. 

Hortons photograph in any of our ads” 
Hc also said he had “no way of knowing" if. 
the ad helped the Bush campaign. How do 
you react? 

HORTON: One doesnt need to be a genius to 
gauge the impact of the ad. It was deva 
ing. Thats why the Bush campaign ran it 
for three weeks. I'm convinced they would 
have kept on showing it, if it were not for 
the backlash that resulted. 

avzov: Imit that a story like 
yours would upset a lot of people: A con- 
victed murderer sentenced to life without 
parole is given a weekend furlough. 
morron: Despite what the public may 
think, the vast majority of prisoners who 
receive furloughs do not escape or commit 
crimes while out. In addition, most in- 
mates are not sentenced to life imprison- 
ment without parole; once they do their 
time, they will be released back into soci- 
ety. So it is important for them to stay 
grounded in the real world, to learn how to 
function once they are reimegrated back 
into society. The furlough program gives 
them the opportunity to observe how law- 
abiding people behave. Hopefully, 

ate them to avoid ci 
the future. Whats so bad about thal? 
These inmates have paid their debt to soci- 
cty. They deserve another chance. 

As for convicted murderers, | don't real- 
ly see a major diflerence. Like other in- 
mates, the furlough program allows them 
to maintain contact with their famili 
strengthen their values and make a cont 
bution to society 
mavsov: But why should someone who ha 
been convicted ol murder—and sentenced 
10 life imprisonment without parole—be 
allowed back onto the streets? 
ноктох: The fact that a person committed. 
murder doesn't mean that he can't or won't 
change. I'm living proof of it, People can 
and do change. However, we're not talking 
about releasing dangerous murderers 
from р we're talking about one- ог 
two-day furloughs for model prisoners. 
Theres a very big difference. What do 
these people want? Do they want us locked 
up in cages, fed raw meat and beaten daily 
for our sins? Yeah, we made a mistake. But 
ent we entitled to humane treatment? 
We're not anin re human beings. 
And like all human beings, we're capable 
of change. 
PLAYBOY: You 
the perpetrators 
the victims? 
Hoxton: Who wouldn't sympathize with 
them? In fact, they deserve more than 
sympathy. For this reason, I support a vic- 


e talking about sympathy for 
what about sympathy for 


tim's bill of rights, as well as financial rec- 
ompensc. Quite honestly, Ive probably 
donc thin; 
cent people, for which I'm sc 
hadnt, but it's impossible for me to make 
amends. So, yes, society must continue to 
look for ways to assist the victims of crime. 
Onthe other hand, many people carry it 
to an extreme. I can understand loss. And 
1 can understand pain. But, at the same 
time, the victim's loved ones must summon 
the strength to go on with their lives. True, 
it's sad when someone is murdered. But, at 
the same time, the victims family should 
not wallow in self-pity. Many of these peo- 
ple, for example, demand the death penal- 
ty for the perpetrator. What will that 
complish, other than revenge? Will it 
bring back their loved one? I don't want to 
make light of such tragedies. Murder is a 
horrible act. However, let's be realistic. Re- 
gardless of the punishment, crime will al 
ways exist, Why should anyone have to die? 
The only solace I can find is that С 


evitable. Thats why we 
most of our lives while we're here. 
PLAYBOY: If death is inevitable, how do you 
feel about the death penalty? 

HORTON: | agree with Dukakis’ stand. Hell, 
many people believe in the principle of an 
eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But I 
don't. Their goal is revenge—not rehabili- 
tation. The death sentence is not a deter- 
rent to crime. 

PLAYBOY: You say your record was misrep- 
resented. Yet you have refused w discuss 
the murder of Joseph Fournier, the crime 
for which you were convicted in 1975. 
HORTON: I dont know who murdered 
Joseph Fournier. But 1 dont want to do 
anything that might harm my two code- 
fendants. 1 don't want to do anything to 
jeopardize their defense. And given what’ 
happened in the rape case since then, 1 
know that my statements would be distort- 
ed or quoted out of context. 1 want to be 
fair. Sure, I could help my own situation by 
fingering one or both of them. But I wont 
do that. 1 won't harm them to save myself. 
My reason should be obvious: If I say that I 
didn't do it—which I didnt—then people 
will draw the conclusion that onc or both 


did и. The fact is. I dont know 
MET 
: On the гаре с е in 1987, the 


сир show that the victim, An- 
gela Miller, suffered through a four-hou 
during which she was brutally 
tly raped several times. Her 
fiancé, who w d up in the basement 
and blindfolded, was slashed with a knife 
s his chest and si 
h, kicked and punched. Their lives h 
been irr bly changed. According to 
one report, theyre like "fragile figu- 
rines . . . afraid to move, afraid to go out, 
raid even to cling to each other." Do you 
for them—and for your other vic- 
you want the public to feel 


fe 
tims—the 
for you? 

HORTON: Yeah, of cours 


But the fact re- 


mains, | didn't do it. And I have real 
doubts as to whether Angela Miller was 
raped. | certainly doubt Barness story, 
which is shot full of holes. If they were bru- 
talized, as they said, then, of course, Im 
sorry—very, very sorry: But Im not re- 


Now, as to the other victims—as Га 
Fournier's family is concerned, 1, too. 
s How couldnt 12 But 
ain, 7 didnt kill Joseph Fournier. As vou 
know, his family gave numerous speeches 
in which they attacked the furlough pro- 
gram and me. I don't blame them for vent- 
ing their anger and frustration. However, 
the truth is, they were used, just as 1 was. 
nd, the murder had occurred 
Why did they wait 
as politics. They 


ras 


so long to speak out? It 
wanted the attention. 
mavsov: In the Angela Miller case, most 
observers agreed that the evidence for that 
crime was solid against you 
HORTON: Гуе said many times I did not 
commit the rape. I consider myself a man. 
Ive never had a problem with women; in 
fact, I've experienced considerable success 
with women. If 1 had my choice, Га much 
rather be in the company of women than 
of men. That’s why the rape charge is so 
ridiculous. Гуе never been at a loss for 
women. In fact, I suppose Ive had too 
many women in my life. Sex has always 
been easy to come by. I've never had to 
force a woman to have sex with me. And 
T'd never force onc to do so. In my mind, 
any man who commits rape must be sick. 
PLAYBOY: As you may know, rape has little 
to do with sex; it's an act of violence. It hi 
10 do with power, control and domination. 
HORTON: Youre right, of course, which is 
why I said rape is sick, It takes a sick per- 
son to commit such an act. And Lam not 
sick. In my view, sex must be consensual 
Both parties must agree. If a woman says 
no, then it's no. 
ruaynov: Still, the fact remains that Miller 
and Barnes identified you as their as- 
sailant, the state of Maryland amassed а 
powerful case against you and a jury 
found you guilty of the charges. In his sen- 
tencing, Judge Vincent J. Femia said, “This 
man should never draw a breath of free air 
again. Нез devoid of conscience and 
should die in prison.” For an innocent 
man, that is damning testimon: 
HORTON: First, I must say, once again, that I 
did not rape Angela Miller. And, as I said, 
1 seriously doubt if she was raped. Let me 
tell you wir |, she testified, under 
direct examination, that her attacker had 
on a long-sleeved leather coat, gloves and a 
stocking mask. Further, she stated that 
when she returned from a party that 
night, the house was da he also said 
she is nearsighted. When the state's attor- 
ney asked her, "ls your assailant in this 
courtroom?” she looked dead at me, point- 
ed directly at me and said, “Ves, that’s him.” 
The next day, at my instruction, my at- 
torney asked her, “Have you ever seen this 
^ She responded by saying 


NFL FILMS VIDEO PRESENTS 


T вате бе боту Г ¥ 
ESA 


NFL FILMS VIDEO PRESENTS NFL FILMS VIDEO PRESENTS 


Officially 
Licensed 
Premium 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


To Order: Fillout the attached form and indicate те ol tapes quen MORE. | wenns 


price. Send your name and address along with $750 (check or money order only) E) 
for each tape plus 2 UPC symbols" from Winston cartons (or listed retail price) to: Se 
Winston Sports Connection, NFL Video Offer, || 

PO.Box 3118, Northbrook, Illinois 60065 4 | 


Make check payable to Winston NFL Video Olfer I certify that! ат а smoker of 21 years of age or older. 
SIGNATURE RIMAS) 


hen 


$1995 each 


Ws Bester 2095 each 
ла ae 


"samp ol UPC symbol 


Tagen prem 


Offer restricted to smokers 21 years of ы”, 
CERES RES DNE = — age or older. All promotional costs paid by ре orerea 
sweet. an the manufacturer. Consumer must pay 
s FW e postage on mail-in offer request. No fac "ares _, 
== adri no Similes or copies accepted Allow up to 6-8 "7*9 
SEX ME AGE  MYUSUALERANDIS — — — — weeks for shipment Offer good only in the psanou 
USA. Offer void where restricted or prohib- tiismscrdees 


O Yes, | want to join the Winston Sports Connection. ited by law. EXPIRATION DATE 12/31/89. 


PLAYBOY 


“No.” "That's in the trial transcript. You can 
read it for yourself. And so my attorney 
asked her, "Isnt it true that you pointed to 
my client yesterday She said, "Thats 
right, I did. Yesterday was the first ume I 
ever saw him.” Now, to me, that’s outright 
perjury. Her statement should have been 
thrown out. How could she possibly identi- 
fy me as the assailant if she had never seen 
me before? How in the hell did she know 1 
was her assailant? [In fact, the transcripts 
show that Miller was asked if she had ever 
seen this man olher than the night of the in- 
cident. Consequently, Horton's contention 
that Miller testified that she had not seen 
him before is entirely erroneous.] 
ally, 1 offered to submit to a blood 
test or a urine test—on three separate oc- 
casions—to the arresting detective. This, 
too, is documented in the trial transcript. 
[Horton was not given blood tests, but the 
transcripts do not document his offer to 
take the tests] My attorney asked him, 
“Why didnt you administer the tests?” 
And he said, "We didr't feel they were nec- 
essary at the time" Keep in mind, they 
knew that I had escaped from prison in 
Boston and that | was on the FBI's wanted 
i. When the state's doctor was called, he 
testified that, to best recollection, the 
only thing he could determine was that 
Miller had had sex within the previous two 
or three days and that she had bruises on 
her body [Fhe doctor actually said he 
found evidence of “forceful intercourse."] 
And, as I said, they found sperm in her 
system. Hell, if they had agreed to my re- 
quest for a blood test or a urine test, they 
could have matched my sample with the 
blood or sperm they found. That way, they 
could have determined—in black and 
white—whether I was her assailant. But 
they chose not to. 

1 could go on and on. I admit, there are 
many questions ] cannot answer. But does 
that mean I'm guilty? 105 not up to me to 


prove my innocence. It’s up to the state to 
prove that I'm guilty beyond a reasonable 
doubt. The whole process made a mockery 
of the law. 
PLAYBOY: And Barnes—was his story a lie? 
HORTON: Yes, very much so. In his case, | 
was charged with kidnaping and assault 
with a knife. He also stated that 1 had 
stuck his own gun in his mouth, To convict 
me, the prosecution had to put me in the 
house. They had no fingerprints, no cyc- 
witnesses, no nothing. So what did they 
do? Fhey tied me to the gun—which they 
said 1 stole from Barnes. And they testified 
that when I was arrested, I was found with 
some of the property that had been in 
Barnes' car, which I admit I stole. [Many 
personal objects from the Barnes-Miller 
home were found in the car with Horton.] 
Yeah, I stole his car, but I did not rape 
Angela Miller—nor did I kidnap and tor- 
ture Clifford Barnes, Thats the truth. 
Originally, 1 was arrested, charged and 
tried on a forty-three-count indictment, In 
the end, | was found guilty of only ten 
of the counts. The entire trial—from start 
to finish—was bullshit 
rLayBOY: You have a daughter. After your 
conviction, what did you tell her about her 
father? How does she view you now? 
HORTON: Its a tremendous source of pain to 
me—more than anyone could possibly 
imagine. Nothing has been more painful 
than my inability to relate to my daughter 
and family the way I would like to. I've put 
them through hell. Prior to all this, my 
daughter and I enjoyed a very close rela- 
tionship. Unfortunately, thats all been 
shattered. I hope that, in time, she will un- 
derstand that what happened to her father 
could happen to anyone. But it will take 
time. We had а very frank talk. 1 told 
her everything. Hopefully, she'll be able 
to arrive at her own conclusions. 1 don't 
want to influence her one way or the 
other. She's sixteen now. I haven't seen 


“Your cholesterol’s sky-high. 


Skip the cookies and milk.” 


her since I escaped. 

rLwBOv: How and why did you get in- 
volved in drugs? 

HORTON: | guess 1 was about eighteen ог 
nineteen. At the time, I was very naive 
about drugs. In many ways, I lived a very 
sheltered life. My grandparents were very 
strict. We auended Sunday school ev- 
ery week. And after Sunday school, we 
were forced to attend Bible school. Nobody 
ever discussed drugs. But I wanted to ex- 
perience life—and drugs were a part of 
life. They were certainly part of the world 
in which I grew up. 

On the other hand, I never let drugs 
take over my life. I was in control. 1 wasnt 
a dope fiend or a drug addict. 1 liked how 
they made me feel, but 1 never had any 
great need to get high. Soon thereafter, 1 
discovered I could make good money—re- 
ally good money—selling drugs. Back 
then, the streets were wide open—you 
didnt have to search the back alleys for 
customers. Once the word spread that you. 
had some good stuff, they found you. You 
didn't have to knock down anyhody's door. 
PLAYBOY: [s your story typical of young 
blacks in American ghettos who turn to 
ime out of bitterness and resentment? 
ноктох: Black people are filled with anger 
and frustration over the way in which 
they've been treated by white society and 
don't know how to deal with the situation. 
Like other people, blacks want those status 
symbols and material possessions that soci- 
ety values: а home, a job, a car, money, 
clothes, jewel: у. Unfortunately, most blacks 
in America's ghettos lack the resources or 
the opportunities to acquire them by legit 
mate means. In many ways, these commu- 
nities are governed by the dog-eat-dog 
inciple, in which everyone is striving to 
but only a few will succeed. 
1 won't make excuses for them: Crime is 
wrong, whether blacks commit it or whites 
commit it. Many of these ghetto dwellers 
are weak but manage to make ends meet. 
Others, who consider themselves strong, 
try to make it by taking advantage of those 
who are weaker. It's a sad state of affairs. 
And the only answer, as | see it, is job cre- 
ation. The Federal Government must inst 
tute a massive job-training program in the 

ner cities, it must spend whatever is nec- 
essary to train poor blacks for good jobs. If 
not, the problem will continue to worsei 
10 the point that no one will be safe on our 
nation's streets. 
в.лувоу: Many people believe that prison 
life is too soft—that inmates are coddled 
and rewarded for their antisocial acts. 
Why should prisoners—especially mui 
derers—be entitled to special privileges at 
all? Why shouldn't society just lock thet 
p and throw away the key? 

Horton: Are you serious? If so, that atti- 
tude is very inhumane. Many inmates 
havent committed heinous crimes. Not 
every convicted murderer set out to com. 
mit murder. In many they Killed to 
protect themselves, their family their 
property Гуе met very few professional 


Hi to choke the н 

| shit out of some 
asshole wh 
desperately 
needs it!!! 


THIS SAYS IT ALL! 


Perlect for stressed out people! 
7x9" walnut finish plaque with bold 
lettering, $25.00 includes postage 


GREAT GIFT! 
Actual military training grenade. q 
‘complete in every detail. 
Can be removed from desk stand 
825.00 includes postage. 


[COMPLAINT DEPT 


PLEASE TAKE 


Send check or money order to: 
FUNSTUFF 
9025 East Kenyon 
Denver, Colorado 80237 
Visa or MasterCard orders call: 


1-800-369-1321 


Е TEDDYGRAMS? 


Beautiful lingerie delivered 
to your home or office. 


If you want to make her 
happy. TEDDYGRAM* 
her! I's more fun than. 
flowers 


ONLY *24.95 
CALL 1-800-728-1669 


Includes one Teddy. beautifully 
gift-boxed and nestled in tissue 
paper with а long stemmed milk 
chocolate rose. Teddy available in 
red, white and black. Size: Small, 
Medium or Large. 


Lady in Brass Bottle Opener 
3000.350 shipping & handling. Solid high quality brass. 
VISR/ME orders 1-800-866-5366 
Yours ine. 
rote Noe мату Hy 
swe зә 
Tanpa. FL 33618 


FL res add sales lax. Allow 2-4 weeks Money back guarantee 


WRAP 
THAT 
> RASCAL 


Gracac 


voie Canon Ola Mae шн E к S O DOT 
Sor IEF P2 Crane, LI FREE BROCHURE 


To CA сты ine, PO 


murderers or contract killers in my years 
in prison. Sure, Гуе met some very bad 
people—guys who would scare the pants 
off anybody. But they're the exception. In 
most cases, murderers are guys like any- 
body else—except that they snapped. 
Obviously, murder is wrong. No one in 
their right mind would defend someone 
who held up a liquor store, robbed the 
clerk, and then, for the sheer fun of it, blew 
him away. It's indefensible, But not all mur- 
derers commit such heinous acts. In some 
cases. they simply panic and act out of fear. 
That doesn't excuse their actions, but it 
makes them different from those cold- 
blooded murderers who delight in killing. 
At some point, these people will be re- 
leased, Why shouldnt they be treated hu- 
manely—tor society's sake? I thought that 
society was supposed to be better—more 
moral—than those it locks up. The ball- 
and-chain approach is totally irr; 
And I'm not saying that because I'm incar- 
cerated. I would say the same thing if I 
were on the outside. If you treat someone 
like an animal, put him in a pen and feed 
him raw meat, then you shouldn't be sur- 
prised that when he's released, he will turn 
on his keeper and devour him. The fact is, 
by nature, w all animals. If you deny 
prisoners those basics that are essential to 
life, then they'll respond like animals when 
given the opportunity. 15 that what society 
really want 
PLAYBOY: Most readers would assume you'd 
say anything to gain some sympathy or to. 
get your freedom. 
HORTON: Obviously, I want to get out—who 
wouldn't? But that doesnt mean that Im 
guilty of rape or that I'm this awful person 
most people think I am. I havent pointed 
the finger at anybody else. All I want is jus- 
tice. Is that too much to ask? Why should I 
be treated differently than other people? 
Aren't I entitled to the same rights as ev- 
erybody else? I'm a human being. I have 
feelings. I deserve to be treated fairly. 
Look, man, the justice system ain't per- 
fect—you know it and 1 know it. It makes 
mistakes. And it made a mistake in my 
case. Hell, I've swallowed my pride some- 
what, given the vicious things the Presi- 
dent and the media said about me. But you 
havent seen me act in a violent manner. 
тлувоу: If you were a con man, you'd be 
on your best behavior. 
morros: What do 1 have to gain? You cant 
get out of prison by pulling a con. Its im- 
possible. The prison officials are too smart 
for that. I'm not trying to bullshit anybody. 
Just look at the facts. Read the trial tran- 
scripts. Think for yourself. Hell, the real 
con man is George Bush. He created an is- 
sue out of whole cloth. Sure, I'm polite and 
well mannered. Does that me: 
man? Um not going to be an animal just 
because some people might expect it. I 
never have been. I'm not a user. And Im 
not a manipulator, Pm me. 


n Pm а con 


Term Paper Assistance 
Catalog of 19,278 research papers 
Order Catalog Today with Visa/ МС cr COD 


EE 1-800-351-0222 
RES 1-800-351- 
California & Canada (213) 477-8226 
Monday - Friday 10am - 5pm ‘Pacific time) 

Or send $2.00 with coupon below 
Miel aic rm 
а= 
AE 
TE ВЕ 
іса АНЕ 
EXAMPLES OF CATALOG TOPICS. 
AA 
р 
oe aes ae 

= 
ee 
ern 
mu cur Me 
= eee oe 
Bi ace 

сз» 

A aS 


QUALITY GUARANTEED! 


RESEARCH ASSISTANCE A 

11322 ido Ave . Sule U6 КР Г 

West Los Angeles Californa 90025 

Pease rush Ty cata Enclrsed 552000 corer pese | 
1 
| 


Гоу _ бае Zip _ 


FEATURING: 


* 12 Full-Color 
Pictorial Months 
+ Sensuous, Exotic Models 


ONLY $995 


(includes postage & handling) 
Perfect Holiday Gift or Treat Yourself to 
Summer E; ment year-round! 

MAILCHECK OR MONEY ORDER TO. 


Bronze Elite Productions, Inc. 
РО. Box 1582, Dept. 70 = Morristown, New Jersey 07962 


BILLIARD SUPPLIES 
¡FREE Wholesale Catalog 
Custom Cues, Cases & Darts 
CORNHUSKER 
BILLIARD SUPPLY 
4825 S. 16th. Dept, 7 
Lincoln, NE 68512 
1-800-627-8888 


Roman ligue 
d; ge Pe 


Gu mat special someone excting anc 


romantic gis of ingen fer Ihe haha 
ог anytime Free Catalog information 
Ask about our video сё). 100 


Call (714) 892-6765 (24 hrs.) 


PLAYBOY 


224 Hall Commu 


MTEL mn Ill (continued from page 145) 


“Don't be mad at me if Cher doesn't come out and call 


me an asshole. Thats not the show I do. 


ووو 


comebacks to stories he knows his guests 
will tell, the way many talk-show hosts do; 
or to ике plants when he goes into the audi- 
ence, the way he says Sajak does; or to pre- 
script interviews, the done when 
he was a guest on Joan Ri 

“That's bullshit,” he says. “Sure, some- 
times Im going to have a guest, a Joe 
Isuzu, who's gonna come out and P'm gon- 
na think, This motherfucker aint funny. 
this ain't goin' nowhere, I could be can- 
celed before the next commercial. But I'd 
rather leave it up to my improvisational 
abilities. 

On this particular week night, Arsenio 
tries out his improvisational abilities on 
John Forsythe, without much success. This 
is the kind of interview that lets you under- 
stand why some publicists are wary of let- 
ting him interview their clients. The rap 
on Arsenio is that while he's lively and en- 
tertaining when he's talking to his friends 
or people he admires, he can be uninter- 
ied and woefully unprepared with other 
guests. For some reason, this happens most 
often to white pop musicians: When singer 
David Crosby appeared on the show, Arse- 
nio asked him if he had any plans to get 
Crosby, Stills and Hash back together, At 
that time, а new C.S.N.Y. album was mov- 
ing up the top 20. 

With Forsythe, Arsenio lapses into un- 

casy pauses, awkwardly tries to steer the 
conversation to horse racing and doesn't 
listen. At one point, Forsythe describes 
jockey Willie Shoemaker as “my friend: 
One minute and 58 seconds later, Arsenio 
ve you met Willie?” 
и you have to do,” says Arse- 
r the Forsythe interv 
g condition: 1 was told, ‘Make sure 
you let him talk about his tribute to Willie 
Shoemaker.” 

“1 think Arsenio gets away with a lot be- 
cause he's sweet," figures Marla Kell 
Brown, a petite blonde in her lale 20s 
whose  suburban-Chicago upbringing 
makes her an u ely but crucial collabo- 
rator. "People see this sexy guy who knows 
how to dance, and they think he must bea 
wild partyer. But hes really just a sweet 
Kid, a preacher's son from Cleveland who's 
not kidding when he says he stays home ev- 
ету Saturday night and watches Showtime 
at the Apollo.” 


ew. “It was a 


. 

Arsenio on the set, Arsenio with Eddie, 
Arsenio in Coming to America, Arsenio on 
enio in Amazon Wom- 


magazine covers, А 
en on the Moon, 
cutout of Arsenio: The offices of Arsenio 
ations, Ltd., are decorated 


with lots of pictures of the guy who pays 
the bills, but none are quite as striking as 
the one that has been delivered just befo 
lunch on this summer morning. Ir seems 
that singer Luther Vandross enjoyed a те. 
cent show, cut a picture of Arsenio out of 
Essence magazine and ordered a huge cake 
with that picture reproduced in icing. 
Arsenio looks at the cake and shakes his 
head in amazement. “Man, it's nice to get 
the support of people уоп respect," he says 
softly "Because you definitely get the pres- 
sure and the criticism of enough people 
for enough th 
The comment injects a somber note into 
a celebratory moment—but once again, 
that's Arsenio. He's a contradiction not just 
on the air but in person, too: unfailingly 
friendly and talkative but wary of out- 
siders. And surrounded by a formidable 
gauntlet of publicists and shifting ground 
rules: “You can sit in on production meetings. 
with Arsenio as long as you dont interrupt 
him or ask him any questions during those 
meetings." . . . “Actually, some of those meet- 
ings have to be private.” Arsenio told you 


it was OK to hang around and sit in on his 
mectings for the rest of the day? Well, he 


didn't really mean it. Нез too busy to have you 
around. You'll really have to leave. . . ." 

“L don't trust people,” says Arsenio flatly. 
“That's just the kind of person I am. l'm 
the guy who's been through the incidents 
where your best friend who you love like a 
brother fucks your girl, so I'm kinda bitter. 
The only person I've ever gotten close to, 
or let get close to me, is probably Eddie. 
And there may be five people in the world 
who've ever visited me.” 

In fact, he turned down Barbara Walters 
because he couldn't bear to let Walters and 
her film crew into his house. So this office, 
which once belonged to Bing Crosby, is as 
close as you get: black-and-gray high-tech 
furniture, bookcases full of mementos and 
toys and CDs; a black drum set in the cor- 
ner, a TV monitor hanging from the ceil- 
ing tuned to the Black Entertainment 
Network and, everywhere you look, pic- 
tures of Arsenio. 

“Somewhere, | gotta draw the line and 
say, ‘You can't have none of this; " says Ar- 
senio, sitting behind his big curved desk in 
his sweat pants, T-shirt and backward 
baseball And I draw that line when I 
go home, with my love life and my home 
life. You can make up all the shit you want: 
You can say Um fucking Mary Frann in the 
ear on Tuesdays. Whatever, But the reality, 
I won't give you any of that.” 

So he talks about his work. Or, rather, he 
seems to talk mostly about the er 


his work, delivering monologs that, re- 
gardless of what questions set him off. 
wind up on the subject of reviewers who 
panned him or people who didn't bel 
in him or friends who be ed him. 
m a pop talk-show host for the MTV 
generation,” he says. "When the show 
started, there were fifty-year-old journal- 
ists sitting around, saying, “He did a mone 
log, and he didn't mention Gorbachev He 
did stuff about George Michael” And пз 
like, "You have that other show. Please, old 
men, go watch it and leave me alone.’ 
“And don't be mad at me if Cher doesnt 
come out and call me an asshole. That's not 
the show I do, either. Don't be mad at me i 
instead of making fun of show busines 


jeve 


1 
say ‘I love it. I love the people, I love the 
gig, Love the business. I grew up standing 
in front of a mirror pretending I was one 


of the Temptations. I can't wail to have ‘em 
on. 

Hes well aware, he says, that people 
make fun of his boundless enthusiasm, 
that comedians joke about how he went to 
the hospital “to have a smile bypass.” He 
can name the people who've made fun of 
him on the air: David Letterman and Paul 
Shafler; Dennis Miller from Saturday 
Night Live, who responded to an ovation 
with "Oh, stop it, you're gonna make me 
feel like Arsenio Hall"; even Pat Sajak, 
“though how in last place you have the 
nerve to form your mouth to do a job about 
me, I dont get it.” He talks about Art 
Buchwald, why is suing Pa daim- 
ing that it stole his ideas for Coming to 
America. He mentions Willis Edwards, the 
president of the Beverly Hills/Hollywood 
chapter of the N.A.A.C.P, who said Arse- 
nio wasn't hiring enough blacks and later 
filed a $10,000,000 libel and slander suit 
against him. 

So, as he sits in his office, Arsenio Hall 
seems embattled. “People only sec this side 
where you come out and do this hour for 
them,” he says, “They say, ‘Oh, Arsenio, 
thanks for entertaining us, thanks for be- 
ing a nice guy, thanks for making me 
smile? If they only knew the obstacles that 
Т have to hurdle. Everybody wants sot 
thing, everybody's fucking with you, ev- 
crybody's unhappy about something.” 

For a minute, ТҮЗ hot new talk-show 
host looks positively overwhelmed by it all. 
“Lf they only knew,” he says sternly, “what 1 
had to go through. 


ee 


. 

On stage 29, Rick Astley is singing Art 
Too Proud to Beg, and Arsenio is listening 
Asıley's a young white British singer and 
not the kind of guy you'd think of as Arse- 
mios cup of tea, but he sounds sorta 
black—and besides, hes doing an old 
‘Temptations song, and we know what Ar- 
senio thinks of the Temps. 

So as Astley runs through the song, Ar- 
io hangs out on the fringes of the stage 
and keeps half an eye on the singer, who 


sei 


<û and Ване in 
m) 7 


BLENDED 
SCOTS WHISKY 


100% Scotch Whiskies 


The uncommonly smooth 


Scots Whisky 


z 
E 
El 
3 
Е 
5 
2 
E 
Е 
Е 
E 
d 
i 
: 
: 
È 
$ 
Е 
© 


PLAYBOY 


later 
cause 


ays he's doing Arsenio’ show be- 
‘obviously, at the moment, it’s the 
hippest show” At the same time, though. 
Arsenio scans the dozen or so guests 
who've gathered just out of camera range, 
looking for Larry Blackmon from the funk 
group has created an alter 
ego, named Chunky 
A, and Blackmon is going to help out now 
that MCA Records has signed Chunky. 
“Forty pages of contracts that dont 
my name on “em.” says Arsenio with a 
laugh. 

His impending musical career. he ad- 
mits, is mostly tongue in check: After all, 
this is a guy who knew, even when he was a 
kid banging away оп а drum set, that mu- 
sic ideline and talk shows were his 
destiny An only child who nonetheless 
slept on the top of a set of bunk beds—"I 
was a very lonely kid" —he grew up in a 
lower-class area of Cleveland. His folks 
split up when he was five, and at the age of 
19, living with his mother, he announced 
that he was obsessed with Johnny Carson 
and wanted one day to guest-host The 
Tonight Show. 

1t was considered a pretty dumb aspira- 
tion: Kids in his neighborhood were sup- 
posed to grow up to work in an auto plant 
or a steel mill or tend bar, and at best, Ar- 
senio was encouraged to follow his dad's 
footsteps and become a Baptist preacher. 
Instead, he stayed home and watched tele- 
jon, or practiced his magic, or played 
his drums until money ran short and hi: 
mom had to sell them. And when he got in- 
to college—first Ohio State Universit 
then Kent State Uni иу— Ве majored in 
communications. 

“Ar the point of graduation," he says. 
"m thinking weatherman. What do you 
usually do when you have a communica 
tions major who's silly? He becomes a 
weatherm: 

But he couldn't find a job, хо in the late 
Seventies, he moved to Chicago and began 
doing stand-up comedy. He remembers 
those days with some embarrassment: His 
routine consisted of “things off the 
Richard Pryor album and dumb things 
that I made up myself” He talked about 
the Village People: “It's а myster: 
think these guys are gay?" He im 
Bee Gees, to show how singers don't enun- 
ciate anymore, And he told other joke 
that he doesn't like to think about. "It wa 
he says, “terrible. 

His big break came when he scammed 
his way into emceeing a charity show that 
included singer су Wilson, who w 
due to play in Chicago the following week 
but who didnt yet have an opening act. 
He bought a white-polyester John Tra 
volta~style suit for the show, but Wilson 
liked him anyway, took him on as her 
opening act, paid for his 1980 move to Los 
ngeles, set him up in the guest room € 
her manager's house, showcased him at th 
gious Roxy Theater and got him gigs 


opening for friends of hers such as Aretha 
Franklin. 

One by one, he achieved the goals he was 
setting for himself: to open for somebody, 
anybody, to open for somebody famous (he 
opened for everybody: Tom Jones, 
Wayne Newton, Tina Turner and Patti La- 
Belle), to work the main room at the Com- 
edy Store. He hosted Solid Gold, co-hosted 
the disastrous Thicke of the Night, ap- 
peared in Amazon Women on the Moon and 
оп at least one occasion sneaked onto the 
set of The Tonight Show, stood on Johnny's 
at at his desk and imagined he was 


‘And in 1987, he was given the reins of 
The Late Show after Joan Rivers’ talk-show 
Henge to Carson's dominance had col- 
psed. His assignment was simple: Take 
over a failed show for 13 weeks and try not 
to lose 100 many viewers. “It was a situation 
where, for two people, it just meant every- 
thing,” says Marla, who was brought in to 
produce the show on the strength of her 
stints with Regis Philbin, PM. Magazine 
and the game show Win, Lose or Draw: 

Arsenio and Marla tossed out the desk 
and made things funkier, and the ratings 
improved. But afterward, he began work 
on Coming to America, deciding that he'd 
rather do one movie a year than five TV 
shows а week—until the night he went on 
The Tonight Show to promote Comi; 
America. 

“I'm sitting there,” he remembers, “ 
Um looking at Johnny and watching him 
do his thing, and it was like. . . . Did you 
ever make love to а woman and it was real 
good? Real good? A 
you're not with her, you see her and you re- 
member how good that pussy was?” He 
grins. “And you think, Oh, shit, she used 
to put ice cubes in her mouth 
oh, that noise she used to ma 
what sitting at the Carson show was like. 

“And during the commercials, Johnny 
started talking abour being a magician 
when he was a kid, because he'd heard I 
was a magician, and that made me think of 
something else. It was like, Wait a minute: 
Johnny was a drummer, Johnny was a та 
gician. Ye a drummer, you were a 

magician. It looks to me like this is just 

supposed to be. 
It was the worst inter 
done,” he adds with a laugh. “I was terrible 
that night, because 1 was elsewhere, But I 
decided on the air, while doing the worst 
interview of my life, that 1 was gonna do 
my show again." 


w Гус ever 


E 

Arsenio Hall and Eddie Murphy were 
on their way to Накай 
time, fans would tiptoe around Eddie and 
then barrel up to Arsenio, slap him on the 
back and ask him to do that funny thing 
he did on the show just the other night, 
iber? One lady asked for Arsenios 


reme 


autograph, left, then returned and whis- 
Mui 


pered, “1 don't want to disturb Mi. 
phy, but tell him I love his work.” Ars 


always “Ars 
Murphy 


nd Eddie is always “Mr. 


© he's this big movie 
They see him once а 
fifty feet tall. With me, they 
- The way they come 
К that they slept with 


Arsenio. 
r, and he’s 


He Icans back in his chair and laughs. 
Two hours ago, Arsenio finished taping 
that nights show, and later, hes due at a 
recording studio to work on the Chunky A 
record. For now, though, hes unwinding in 
ble Thai res nt on LA's 


through his soft-shelled-crab appetizer 
and duck entree, there has been a steady 
stream of irers and autograph 
hounds “Are you Arsenio Hall? | 
like your show. . . 7 8:39: "Charles Evers is 
my daddy and Medg; my uncle, 
hate do- 
1 


2828, 
in. Could 1 just 
8:49: "Can I have your 
2 Can you get us seats ur 
2° 9:03: “I never talk to anybody like 
„but E just think that you should con- 
tinue what you do. 

lo all appearances, Arsenio is enjoying 
the attention. (Otherwise. of course, he 
would hardly have chosen to meet at a 
restaurant guaranteed to attract the kind 
of folks who watch his show) He's unfail- 
ingly g scribbling page-long notes 
along with his autograph, constantly г 
suring fans that they're not disturbing 
and repeating one line again and а 
“Thanks for watching the show 

I know a lotta people in this town, and 
I've seen a lotta them just go crazy.” he says 
quietly, between interruptions. “You can 
get too much into how many houses and 
how many cars and how many girls. And 
you can start thinking, Hey, this is happen- 
ing, lets do some coke and get my dick 


and you're fabulous. . 
ing this, but Em a big 
your autogr 


gai 


sucked in the Jacu: E por 
п not to get too into being Hollywood 
and 100 far away from what you were when 


you made il.” 

Of course, he knows its silly to pretend 
he isn't a guy from Hollywood—or, at least 
a guy from Cleveland who has achieved his 
goals in Hollywood. “It’s kinda weird.” he 
says. “For a guy who's always telling kids, 
‘Be the best that you can be, strive to be 
number onc. my goal this y 10 be 
number (wo. And I'm glad to be number 
two, ‘cause Un number two to the baddest 
10 ever do it. Ain't nothing wrong with be- 


ing Magic Johnson, when you see Michael 
Jordan play. 
So he achieved this vear's goal. What 


to tell you. | read in this book how people 
in their heads, 
so if they fail, the pains lessened. But it 
1 that you should stand up and take a 
risk and say it. So, to be totally honest with 
you, I want a Grammy and а gold record 


for Chunky. And I want a People's Choice 
award as a talk-show host. I don't want an 
Emmy, I don't want an Oscar, | want а Peo- 
ples Choice award. I don't know if they 


have a category for it, but I want the peo- 
ple to say, ‘He's the baddest motherfucker 
on late night: " 


In the meantime, of course, he wouldn't 
mind more respect and less criti 
he finishes his dinner, Arsenio begin 
ing about his latest controversy, a public 
feud with Spike Lee. It started when Spike 
appeared on the show and Arsenio ac- 
cused him of unjustly er g other 
black entertainers. A few davs later, Lee 
made bristling comments to reporters 
about Arsenio, Arsenio’s reply was sue 
cinct: “The next time my name comes out 
of his mouth, Fm whipping his ass." It was, 
Arsenio volunteers, “the wrong way 10 


handle it.” 
Still, he keeps returning to Lees criti- 
cism. "He accused Eddie. He said any ma 


who makes a billion dollars should demand 
more black participation at. Paramount. 
And I said, ‘Standing on the outside doing 
Shes Gotta Have It, you don't understand 
the big leagues. If Eddie went in and told 
[Paramount chairman] Frank Mancuso to 
to fuck of. 


and they've said, "Fuck off." 

“What Im saving is, it takes time to get 
gs. And you cant demand them: You 
have to slowly show the need, show 1 
makes попсу. "Cause the Бопо 
theres nor as much racism in this town 
over "You're white and Fm black’ as there 
is over “Show me green. Trust me: The 
biggest racists in this town will give vou 
anything you want if you show them a 
profit. 

From another table, a group of diners 
catch Arsenio’s eye and yell across the pa- 
they love his show. “Thanks for 
“he yells back, beaming. And 
battled celebi 
that he may be—sits back in his chair and 
thinks about how he has shown that a hip 
black host can find a late-night talk-show 
audience and, yeah, make alot of green for 
the mone nd fora few minutes, he 

її se ttle-scarred after all. 
told by black people, ‘Hey, I watch 
you and E love vou, man, but lemme tell 
you, white man aint gonna give it up 
10 you,” he says with as isfied nod. "But 
America, white America, is watching me. 
Its like a scary dream, that people are 


linc 


choosing this black kid from Cleveland"— 
suddenly, the grin becomes a little slier and 
sharper—‘over the legendary host ol 


Wheel of Fortune.” 

Just ddenly, he gets serious again. 
“You know.” he says. “Im big in Mobile, 
Alabama. My friends sa n. they 
wouldn't even let us ride the fucking bus- 
es^ But times have changed, and Pm on 
the bus now. Man, I'm driving the mother- 


fucker.” 
E 


A GOOD NIGHT 

(continued from page 142) 
Then. add a big shallot that been 
nced. about a half pound 
shiitake-mushroom caps sliced in hi 
some salt and a grind of cracked peppe 
Cover the pan, lower the heat and cook ten 
minutes. Turn the chops over in the pan. 
dd a half cup of white wine and continue 
cooking about eight minutes. Remove the 
chops, one to cach of the warmed dinner 
plates. To the skillet, add one fourth cup of 
whipping cream and a teaspoon of cognac. 
Stirring. bring almost to a boil. Pour the 
sauce over the chops and serve. 

Not 100 tough, huh? And it's something 
you made for her. (While you're cool 
your date can be doing some last-minute 
trimming of the Christmas tree.) 

Wine for this course? A red Bordeaux 
such as Chateau Ausone would be lovely, 
as would the less expensive Chateau 
d’Angludeı. But an American red rings 
truer here. You should look for something 


that rolls around your mouth in velvet 
waves. Something the French call 
charpeau, ог "Heshy" My recommenda- 


tions include: 


+ 1985 Opus One (Robert Mondavi and 
Mouton-Rothschild joint venture) 
+ 1986 Stags Leap Wine Cellars Caber 


net Sauvignon 
- 1986 Caymus Caber 
pa Cuvee 
+1984 Beaulieu Vineyards Private Re- 
serve Cabernet Sauvignon 


1 Sauvignon Na- 


A Christmas Eve dessert can only be 
búche de Noël, a traditional, sinfully rich 
chocolate Christmas cake that's rolled like 
a log. It would take days to make, so you 
should buy one at yout ig hborhood bal 
сту Serve it with an aged tawny port such 
as the Taylor Fladgate 20-year-old tawn 

Alter the büche, after the port, its time 
tositin front of the fire, shoes oll, and talk. 
If the conversation moves along with the 
lengthening shadows of the mellowing fire, 
it may eventually (if she’s the Christmas- 
уре) be time lor cognac and tradi 
tional holiday cookies from an halan, 
German or Viennese bakery. Make sure its 
a cognac аг supersmooth or you'll has 
a sleeping beauty on your hands. 

And so to bed. 

Postscript: Waking up on Christmas. 
morning together is inevitably a high. And 
breakfast belongs in bed. Version one: 
toasted brioche (because you intentionally 
bought more than you needed for the ca 
lar), cherry preserves and coffee or, il 
snowing. hot chocolate. 

Version two includes toasted brioche, 
leftover caviar and a Christmas-morning 
cocktail, Eggnog Alize. Simply pour 
eggnog into goblets and add a dash of 
Alize. a French passion-fruit 
based liqueur, then top with a sprinkle of 
nutmeg. This approach requires vou to 
stay in bed awhile. Santa Claus has ar- 
rived. The presents under the Chr 
tree can w 


cookie 


“So, if the polar icecap does start to melt, 1 say let's 
float the hell out of here and get something going in Florida!” 


227 


PLAYBOY 


228 


SroWN uP (continued from page 104) 


“The nongrownup’s retirement strategy is based on the 


assumption that he wil 


die at 55 in a boat accident.” 


because recently, I came into possession of 
some unexpected money, and I decided, by 
God, that I was going to buy a new sofa. 1 
was very determined about this. 1 took 
some measurements. I even started look- 
i sofas in furniture stores. So you can 
е my surprise when what I in fact 
brought home was a Gibson Les Paul elec- 
tric guitar and an amplifier loud enough 
to bring down enemy aircraft. This was 
when I realized that, in terms of becoming 
а grownup. I was heading in the wrong 
direction. 

This is also true of people even older 
than Lam. Ed, for example. Ed is, techni- 
cally, a 48-ycar-old automobile mechanic. 
He has everything a mechanic should 
have: a building surrounded by broken 
cars, a uniform covered with stains con- 
taining enough petrochemicals to meet 
the energy needs of Utah for a year, a sign 
stating that if you try to pay with a person- 
al check, he will kill you with a wrench, etc. 
But what Ed actually does with his time, as 
opposed to working on cars, is set off 
fireworks. This is the truth. You go into his 
shop and all vou can sce is this dense cloud 
of smoke, and suddenly, a rocket will go 
whizzing past your or maybe a little 
fireworks tank will come scuttling toward 
your feet, sparking and shooting. In the 
background, through the smoke, you сап 
hear Ed cackling. 

You are thinking, But surely, he doesn't 
set off fireworks all the time. True. He 
spends a lot of time ordering them over 
the phone. Lately, he has even started mak- 
ing them. It has become difficult to get him 
to even talk about, say, your brakes. So he is 
not the ideal mechanic if your criterion is 
whether your car actually gets fixed. But 
thats a very grown-up criterion. 1 think 
Ed's а great mechanic. 

Perhaps you're wondering where you 
stand in regard 10 growing up. Perhaps 
you have seen subile signs of maturity in 
yourself, such as you no longer own a 
working Pez dispenser, and you wonder, 
Does this mean I'm a grownup now? Well, 
I've been doing a lot of serious thinking 
about this issue (not really, of course: Гуе 
been playing Nintendo), and Гуе come up 
with some ways to decide where you stand. 
One of the most important, of course, 


WHAT YOU DO WHEN TWIST AND SHOUT. 
BY THE ISELY BROTHERS. COMES ON THE 
CAR RADIO 


If you're not a grownup yet, you turn the 
radio all the way up and sing and dance i 
your seat and gradually increase your 
speed so that when they reach the part that 


goes, “Ah, ah, ah, ah, ahlıhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 
Well, shake it up, baby, now. . . " you're go- 
ing—even if youre in a driveway—a mini- 
mum of 60 miles per hour faster than the 
highest speed vou ever attained in driver 
education class. 

If you're a grownup, you never hear 
Twist and Shout, because you're tuned to 
one of those casy-listening stations that are 
always playing Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round 
the Old Oak Tree, by the Dental Office 
Singers. Or, worse, you're listening to talk 
radio and finding out what average Ameri- 
cans think about issues (they think, Am 1 
I am?! Let me go turn my radio 
down!) Or worst of all, if you have 
reached a level of maturity verging on 
brain death, you're listening to somebody 
talk about what happened on the stock 
market, and whether trading was active. 

Which leads us to another important 


HOW YOU DEAL WITH FINANCIAL MATTERS 


ownups know where all thei 
surance policies are, what their cash values 
are and exactly what they ve insured. Non- 
grownups have a cardboard box some- 
where containing various formal-looking 
documents that could be insurance poli- 
cies but also could have something to do 
with bowling. There is no way to tell except 
10 look at them, which nongrownups do 
not do. 

Grownups reconcile their checking ac- 
counts and maintain minimum balances to 
avoid service charges. Nongrownups like 
automatic-banking tellers, because they 
can use them to find out if they have any 
money. 

Grownups have Individual Retirement 
Accounts and long-term plans for financial 
urity The nongrownups retirement 
ategy is based on the assumption that he 
will dic at the age of 55 in a motorboat ac- 
cident 

Speaking of money, we need to discuss 


BEHAVIOR IN THE WORKPLACE 


Grownups have mapped out career 
paths for themselves and know who is on 
the fast track and who is not. Non- 


leading in the ongoing lunchtime 


Frisbee tourn 


ment- 


on th 


office walls stating tha 
fully completed training programs in: 
Administrative Motivation for Man- 
agers, 
Managing and Administrating Motiva- 
то, 


ng Administratively 
to Management, 
Admonishing and Masturbating Ad- 
ministratoi 
And so on. Grow 
memor 
and wh: 


n Reg 


ups are always writing 
nda about what they have received 
they are enclosing, as in: “I have 


received your memorandum of the Mth 
and am enclosing a copy of my memoran- 
dum of the. 


.." Nongrownups, as a pr 
ure, throw all incoming 
correspondence away unopened unless it 
looks like it might be a check or it comes 
from icipant in the ongoing 
lunchtime Frisbee tournament, Grownups 
refer to the vice-president for marketing as 
Mr. Bivensworth.” Nongrownups refer to 
him as “the asshole.” 

Which brings us to 


SOCIAL BEHAVIOR 


When grownups meet you at semiformal 
parties, they look you square in the eye 
and shake your hand firmly and remem- 
ber your name. Nongrownups don't meet 
you at all, because they're in the hosts bed- 
room watching the Celtics-76ers game and 
spilling beer on the bedspread in response 
10 important dunks. 

Speaking of alcohol consumption, 
grownups know their limits. Nongrown- 
ups know where theres a liquor store 
open 

Which обе 


leads to 


SEX 


Grownups view it as part of a deeper re- 
lationship that involves commitment, con- 
cern, honesty and sharing. Nongrownups 
view it exactly the same until maybe 
ten seconds afier irs over, at which time 
they start to wonder if the Celtics-76ers 
game is still on 


SOME EXAMPLES OF FAMOUS GROWNUPS 
AND NONGROWNE 


GROWNUPS 


The Supreme Court 
Mis. Dan Quayle 
Doonesbury 

gland 


NONGROWNUPS 


The House of Representatives 
Mr. Dan Quayle 

Calvin and Hobbes 

Italy 


Of course, this is meant to give you only 
general, cursory guidelines for deciding 
whether youre a grownup. To really know 
where you stand, you have to conduct a 
thorough self-examination of your values, 
your philosophy of life—your conceptual- 
ization of what the world is, where it's go- 
ing and what it all means. My guess is, 
you'd rather shoot some baskets, 


E 


FIGHTING WORDS (continued from page 118) 


“We lighten our pack down to that which we cannot do 
wilhoul—free speechlthe right to keep and bear arms.” 


name of its preservation. 

Well, then. We are not too far removed 
from the viciousness that follows curtailing: 
freedom of the press; e.g., the Red scare of 
the Fifties and its attempts at rebirth. Nei- 
ther are we too far removed from the ter- 
ror that can visit itself on a disarmed 
populace: the Czechs of Prague Spring, 
the Jews of Europe under the Third Reich. 

Is this, then, a possible point of similari- 
ty between these organizations: the dedi- 
cation to a nonreducible, noninterpretative 
rcading of an aspect of American law? 

Yes. And, further, both defend their par- 
ticular amendment and hold to it as the 
epitome of the definition of a free individ- 
ual. (1) A free individual is one possessed 
of the unalterable right to assert or protect 
his or her individuality (which is to say, his 
or her integrity) by means of free speech. 
(2) A free individual is one who is pos- 
sessed of the unassailable right to protect 
and support his or her individuality (in- 
tegrity) by force of arms. 

A good case could be made (historically) 
for either or both of these assertions, and, 
in fact, in a more reflective, less troubled 
ne, we might simply refer to the 
tution's first two amendments and say: Yes, 
what a good idea 

And we would see that unbridled free- 
dom of expression is, in fact, a good idea 
when your authors are barred, when the 
wrilers expressing your views are impris- 
oned; and that the right to keep and Бе; 
armsisa rather good idea when the police! 
army is imprisoning/torturing/persecut- 
ing your people, that it can and does happen 
here (whatever "it" is, and wherever "here" 
is). It can and does and will most probably 
happen here, and that is what the A.C.L.U. 
and the N.R.A. arc concerned about. And 
they arc sufficiently concerned that they 
are ready to abide abuses and censure and, 
indeed, the ridicule of their opponents. 

The debate itself is good, and the pur- 
pose of law is to allow people of difiering 
and heated feelings to settle their disputes 
fairly and amicably—if not always without 
compromise. 

The retreat to fundamentalist positions 
is, of course, natural in times of great so- 
cial upheaval and uncertainty—unsure of 
our future, of our place, of the integrity of 
the institutions we have created to protect 
us, we retrench behind that which we feel 
to be the most powerful and protective of 
our prerogatives: We lighten our pack down 
lo that which we cannot do without—free 
зреес:Ш ће right to keep and bear arms. 

Now, what about aborti 
юм fundamentalist arguments, it 
ps, the nature of 


most arguments of any persuasion: As in 
the more formal legal proceeding, each 
side clects what it feels is a representative 
issue or assertion, feeling, "If I can sustain 
this [finally arbitrary} position, 1 will be 
content that I have vanquished my орро- 
nent and am entitled to the prize.”) 

Can one say that abortion, the most heat- 
ed of debates, is, in fact, an arbitrary and 
Jurisprudential fiction, a mutually chosen 
battleground for the trial by ordeal of two 
opposing culture 

The right says that life begins with fer 
tilization, and it fights under the banner of 
Right-to-Lifc. Is this а banncr of conven- 
ience? I would ask this question: Js the 
leadership of the Right-to- 


speaking for itselfand on behalf of its con- 
ents, embracing, in effect, the Eastern 
doctrine of ahimsa; ie., absolute nonvio- 
lence toward all living things? Is this move- 
ment equally prepared to oppose capital 
punishment absolutely as vehemently as it 
opposes abortion on demand? Is it equally 
prepared to espouse complete submissive 
pacifism and unilateral disarmament? If 
not, then the argument of the sanctity of 
life's beginning at the moment of concep- 
tion falters, and the movement limits its 
protection to “that life which we, the move- 
ment, choose to specify” 
The Right-to-Life movement, so-called, 
the manner of the Catholic Church of 
the Inquisition, relaxes its protection of the 
sacred individual at birth; and, arguably, 
the movement masses not behind the right 
of the embryo to be born but behind the 
right of the movement to compel an un- 
ling pregnant mother to have a baby 
And Right-to-Life is a flag of convenience. 
What of the other side? Well, I find 


PLAYBOY 


230 


myself with the other side on this issue. I 
have been a young man myself, and have 
been with young women, and Lam the fa- 
ther of two daughters, and political lcan- 
ings to me are not the point. In this issue, 
the point, to me, is intellectual honesty, 
and, in my soul, I cannot sav that I can 
support the notion that my daughters 
should be compelled by law to give birth to 
unwanted children. I have seen that abor- 
n can be, in many ways and in many de- 
ces, traumatic, and as to whether or not 
itis finally “wrong,” it depends on thestand- 
ards that you apply and the faith that you 
have; but, if it were my daughters, I would 
and will support their decision not to bear 
unwanted children, and I would not suffer 
them to be treated like outlaws for so de- 
ciding, and I would not vote to force them 
to flee the state or the country for ade- 
quate medical care should they so decide. 


iat is what I find in my heart, and that is 
how I have to vote, and it’s no more com- 
plex than that 

Are there people who feel differently? 
Yes. Am I appalled by the violence of some 
of those in the opposition to this view? Yes. 
Lam. The bombing of abortion ics, in 
my view, is despicable in the extreme: It is, 
I feel, shameful behavior to prosecute a 
dispute through violence, and it is behavior 
that is particularly reprehensible in a 
group that calls itself Right-to-Life. It is al- 
so behavior that I endorsed when, in the 
ies, it was practiced by and for the sup- 
posed furtherance of the views of the ant 
war movement—itself fighting, one might 
say, under the banner of Right-to-Life. 

And so what is the issue that moves one 
to traduce the very tenets one is supposed- 
ly trying to defend? What is the issue be: 
hind the vehemence of abortion debates? 


An Evening with Santa 


“I'm at the age where I have more 
money lo spend and more time to spend it. And 
although one night a year is ideal working conditions, it 
was getting harder and harder to come back from Cozumel 


to suit up. / 
leave for a moment. So . 


whal a comedy club is? . 


Also, ‘Peaches’ Claus has a tanned figure you can't 
. who needs running around on a cold 
nighi? Now I do a few comedy clubs for a lark. . 


. You know 
.Itsa one-night. stand 


for gags that don't make it.” 


The issue of this small war for which 
Choice and Life are the names of the flags 
is this: We are the good people. There are only 
so many good people in the world, and the: 
are found on our side. Lacking the conven- 
тепсе of racial or geographic distinctions to 
separate the good from the bad people, we will 
employ the irrefutable litmus test of an issue: 
“How do you stand on abortion?” 

(Now, do I feel that the abov n this 
instance, truer of the right than of the left? 
Yes, I do; I'm sorry, but I do, as, being hu- 
man, 1 do tend to ascribe just a tad more 
humanity to the ver with whom 1 
agree. [See above.] Falso think that in the 
Sixties, the above was truer of the left.) 

Why can there be only a limited number 
of good people? 

Because we a non 
demand and crimin: ion of abortion, 
N.R.A. and A.C.L.U. see real visions of so- 
anarchy, and that is why they each hold 
10 their weapons. The right and the left see 
narchy around the corner, too; and the 
decision of the Supreme Court is both 
craven and effective: By weakening but not 
destroying the freedoms of Roe vs. Wade. it 
effectively recognizes that prerogative, but 
not aborti 5 the issue, and says to both 
sides: You fight it out; you people on the 
left know that the and the mobile and 
the aware will always be able 10 have abor- 
tions, and that with the ever-growing femi- 
nist consciousness in this country (think 
back to 1973), fewer and fewer women will 
feel constrained to abide hy local laws th 
they feel intolerable and which they can 
evade through travel; you people on the 
right know that human nature i 
to change, that people will for 
that women will have unwanted pregnan- 
cies and that they will terminate them as 
they see fit (as they always have) but that, at 
least, Government endorsement of prac- 
tices you find morally abhorrent has been 
somewhat curtailed, The Court, in effect, 
ruled: “Take your fight out into the alley.” 

The end of all the show will be decided 
ne. The liberal Presidents got to pack 


of Amer fe for 
quite a number of years; we are now in the 
era of the prerogative of the conservative 
Presidents to pack the Court with Justices 
who will unalterably ruin the fabric of 
American life. 

Am I being too evenhanded? Possibly: 
Yes, it is not my ox being gored at this pre- 
cise moment. And no one has yet tried to 
throw me in jail for the things I have writ- 
ten, or tried to kill me because of my 
race—though instances of each are hap- 
pening to others every day, and have hap- 
pened to others of my profession and race 


ably ruin the fabri 


How will the abortion debate be seuled? 
It will not be settled. It will pass. It is the 
Dreyfus affair of this century: a theater of 
the confusion of the times. 


E 


RDER NOW GREAT GIFT ID ORDER NOW 


SEXY, SIZZLING CALENDARS 


FREE! 


Autographed 
Cindy Crawford 
poster - $6.95 value 


„JOHN CASABLANCAS Order 3 calendars 

SUPERSTARS or 1 book and — 
= : » Е Cindy is yours 

Momen This calendar will make your year! for FREE Sensuous Cindy Crawford World's top model as never seen before 


4 


HOLIDAY GIFT [you like the 
SPECI AL Sports Illustrated 


calendar, 
you'll absolutely 


A $70 Value!! love these 


INCLUDES: The perfect gift 
+ Marco Glaviano's for all 
Models Book your friends. 
e Pick any 2 calendars + 


+ Autographed 
24" x 36" poster 
of Cindy Crawford 


16 month format 
means you can 
start usin; 


© Yours for these calendars 
only today! 
MC ood = $59.95 CREDIT CARD ORDERS | 
CALL NOW! 


LIMITED SUPPLY! ORDER NOW! 


This book has over 80 black & 1-800-222-0006 Obsession А must buy for those who love beautiful bodies 


white photographs by world 


renowned photographer These calendars are in limited supply, ORDER NOW! 
Marco Glaviano, featuring: es ТН ыльыс киы 9 


+ Paulina : 

Cindy Crawford esse т 

* Stephanie Seymour | Obsession m.iz — [$ 995 | Name 
+ Carol Alt |[ Models Book. [$39.95 x 
and many more! [Holiday Special [$59.65 ES д 
| ick 2 calendars for special] Subtotal Cit Stato 
| Shipping and handling [$395 | С” Си 

| ‘Outside Cort. U.S add $5 tor handling 7 


Phone 
E ыр н) К Day Delivery Available. Call Us NOW! 


Ploaso allow 2-4 wooks for delivery. 


1 (US.omexyow)Toul| 
| Send check, money order or your credit card info, including 
9 _ , expiration. seer sone to: 

Direct Entertainment, 

Р.О. Box 1290, Sova Baber CA 93121 
” | Elvisa Ciuc |AMEX Г] Iam enclosing $2 fora catalog of other Direct Entertainment producta. 
| 


сав. Бр Sig. on card 


|e шй 1; 


232 


ОШ, Yan Can! сомона om ag 88 


grown-up years doesn't mean they can't be 
. Sure, there'll be mortgages and sav- 
ings accounts and even wills, but you don't 
need those unless you've reached a certain 
station in life, do you? Ivsa station at which 
substance is more important than style 

Which brings us inexorably back to the 
fact that you can't dance. And by this time, 
youre probably wondering what creden- 
tials / have to find fault with your foot- 
work. Here they аге: I dance like you 
do—but I think its time to do something 
about il. 

Look, leı's go through this thing togeth- 
er. Have you noticed what's happening out 
there? Dancing is making another one of 
its comebacks. They re dancing real dance 
steps 10 big-band music at the Rainbow 
Room. The latest wave of hot Latin 
rhythms calls for footwork as precise as a 
strike on Beirut. Even what we know as 
“fast” dancing has gotten programed ever 
since Patrick Swayze's choreographed se- 
duction in Dirty Dancing. 

The fact is, it's getting harder and hard- 
er to fake it, to get out on the dance floor i 
front of an increasingly competent crowd 
and shuffle and shake until the bad mo- 
ment pass nd do you know why it's get- 
ting harder for us to fake it? It has nothin; 
to do with the dances, really. It has every 
thing to do with us and where we are in 
our lives. 

Twelve years ago, when dancing made its 
last big media splash with John Travolta 
dishing out disco in Saturday Night Fever, 
you and 1 were just kids. This time, the re- 
vived emphasis on dancing has hit us—our 
whole generation—at a time when more 
people are calling on us for our knowl- 
edge, our judgment. They expecting 
things from us. We keep this up and one 
day we'll all be rich consultants, 


= = 


ANSWERS 
to quiz on page 106 

1. €. You'll thank yourself later. So 
will your kid. 2. B. 3. A. Triumphs are 
hard to come by. The lası one you had 
was that green Bonncville in college. 
4. B. Yep. Thats the law. 5, A, B, C, D. 
6. С, А, B. D. 7. D. 8. C. 9. A. Partial 
credit for D, depending on the choic- 
es. 10. B. 11. Go figure. This is din- 
ner-party conversation. 12. B. Two 
steps back for A or C. 13, D. It makes 
them nervous. Or impossible. №. А. 
15. B. 16. А. wn. I7. C. The others 
can take you to court. 18. D. Because 
then vou get i Sec- 
ond only to lon; nce. 
zive yourself five points for each 
correct ansu 

0-20 points: Prepubescent 

25-55 points: Adolescent 

60-80 points: Early man 

85-100 points: True m 


hood. 


And yet its probably our dancing in- 
ability that has spawned the entire couch- 
potato trend. 

Irs easy to see how it happened. If youre 
like me, you grew up in the postiouch era, 
after the big bands had all but faded from 
the earth like lumbering dinosaurs, taking 
their cozy, romantic music with them into 
the gathering ooze. Somewhere out there 

fossil that looks just like a trumpet with 
пше. 

Our parents still danced cheek to check 
10 songs that are revealingly called 
ards; but for the next 30-somethi 
years, our generation wandered foot-loose 
through а dancescape of frivolous, pre- 
packaged dances du jour and do-your-own- 
thing free forms. Style was everything, 
and style is fleeting 

Chubby Checker, a man with a joke for a 
name, gave us The Twist in August 1960, 
nd suddenly, we were smack dab in the 
age of the junk dance. We mastered the 
twist without much trouble, but six months 
later, Chubby Checker was back with Pony 
Time. We had hardly mounted that one 
when he hil us with Lets Twist Again. Then 
came the Dovells doing Bristol Stomp, Dee 
Dee Sharp proclaiming Mashed Potato 
Time, the Orlons stalking The Wah-Matusi 
and Little Eva tracking The Loco-Motion. 
I'm guessing that Dick Clark was somehow 
behind all this: Dance had become televi 
sion by the mid-Sixtivs, and you know how 
fast TV consumes ideas. 

Besides the dances launched as hit 
records, we had the hully gully, the swim, 
the monkey, the. hitchhiker, the di 
and the fly. A couple of other dances—the 
frug and the jerk—carried us on to the 
end of the decade, into the Seventies, 
which in turn gave us the spectacle of T 
volta preaching in diseo, that Esperanto of 
body language. Disco took us into the 
Eighties and then died, but its ghost has 
occasionally risen to stalk movie theaters 
and glitzy night spots, giving birth to vari- 
ous flash dances in the pan. 

It is undeniably a history of style over 
substance, and only rarely do the two min- 
gle in our minds. The one moment I carry 
with me from that time is of the night a se- 

riously built girl named Sharon taught me 
to do a dance called the UT; which stood 
for University of Tennessee, where the 
dance had apparently originated. It was 
sexy bump and grind, the kind of generic 
nondance that our generation has passed 
off as a social skill, and that night, it was 
done to the lazy beat of a song whose words 
went, “Heeey, heecyee, baby, I wanna 
know-ho-ho if you'll be my girl.” During 
that lesson, my brain was imprinted with 
two lasting images, one ol style and one ol 
substance. Style: If you bend slightly from 
the waist while you're fast dancing and put 
your hands, palms open, on your thighs 
several inches above your knees, it look: 
cool. Substance: Sharon's red, red sweater. 


І can still do the twist, the hully gully 
and the UT, but who cares? I want to grow 
up. | want you to grow up, too. | want us to 
take dancing lesson: 


. 
Dont get me wrong: I'm not saying we 
need to learn to jump off stages and flip 
partners over our heads like Patrick 
Swayze, or wear top hats and dance across 
pianos and tables like Fred Astaire. But in 
our darkest couch-potato moments, when 
we're lying back on our spreading laurcls, 
we have to admit the existence of that one 
great communal character flaw, that gener- 
ational gap that gets wider and more aw 
ward to bridge as the years go by: We don't 
even know how to fox-trot! 
The fox trot is the most basic of the bas- 
s. It's what dance illiterates like you and 
me conjure up in our heads when some- 
body asks us to define the words slow danc 
ing. Unfortunately, it's not what we do 
when they ask us to show them. 

Our generation skipped the basies—the 
fox trot, the waltz, the rumba. There a 
others that could be thrown into that time 
less category—the cha-cha, the tango, the 
ations on swing such as the lindy hop 
and the jitterbug, two fast-dance classics 
that heated up many a jukebox Saturday 
ight. Those are the dances that spanned 
the years between big band and rock and 
roll and then died when you and Т commit- 
ted the loco-motion. 

We had us some times, all right, but we 
were long on flash and short on dance. Aft- 
er Dirty Dancing hit the theaters, “Dirty 
Dancing” classes popped up in cities 
ound the country, and Га be willing 10 
bet that quite a few of our generation 
thought they could pop in and pick up a 
couple of quick moves as though this were 
just another hully gully, But Swayze's 
trendy footwork was based on the mambo, 
a classic Latin scorcher, and many dance 
instructors will tell you that you shouldn't 
even think about it unless you have a layer 
of other Latin steps—the rumba, say—in 
your social arsenal. And if you want lo 
learn the shag, that laid-back beach ball 
from the movie of the same name, youre 
going to have to know a thing or two about 
the jitterbug and the lindy hop. 

Face it, buddy—rcal dane a grown- 
up sport. Oh, sure, there are still dances 
for people with our level of skills. Spike 
Lee invented a dance called da butt for his 
flick School Daze. Spike says his dance is 
named for a part of the anatomy, but I 
think it’s also named for people who fall 
for his joke. 

There will always be fads, and they will 
always be fun to play with, if not to build 
n adulthood on. You can imagine the 
junk dances of the next generation: The 
red suspender. The polo pony The BMW 
The Boesky scramble. E say let the kids 
find the ck in their own good 
time. 

For you and me, the time is now. 


own way ba 


SINGERS! 


REMOVE VOCALS 
FROM RECORDS AND CDs! 


SING WITH THE WORLD'S BEST BANDS! 
‘An Unlimited supply of Backgrounds from standard 
stereo recordingal Record with your volce or pertorm 
live with the backgrounds. Used in Professional 
кыры yet connects easily to a home component 
stereo. Phone for Free Brochure and Demo Record. 
LT Sound, Dep!t.PB-12,7980 LT Parkway 
Lithonla, GA 30058 
Manafactured end Sold Exchusi 


STOP SWEAT | 
6 WEEKS 


DRIONIC* — the answer to 
costly and embarrassing under- 
arm, hand or foot sweat. Short 
treatment with electronic Drionic 
keeps these areas dry for 6 week 
periods. Try doctor recommend- 
ed Drionic @ $125. each pair 
(specify which). Send ck. or » 
MCiVisa # 8 exp. date. CA res. 

add 6% tax. 45 DAY MONEY 

BACK GUARANTEE. «ec 


UNDERARMS 


IE 


HANDS 


GENERAL MEDICAL CO., Dept. PB-14 
1935 Armacost Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90025 


Phone orders — MC/Visa — 800 HEAL DOC 


FEET 


TERM PAPER 
ASSISTANCE! 


COMPARE OUR PRICES 


OVER 17000 ON FILE 

NEXT DAY DELIVERY 

LARGEST SELECTION 

LOWEST PRICES 

SEND $2.00 FOR CATALOG 
CALL TOLL FREE VISA/MC 


1-800-PRO-PAPER 


SEND ТО: 


AUTHORS’ RESEARCH SERVICES, IN 
4075. DEARBORN * Rm 1805P ® CHICAGO, IL 60605 


Panty-of-the-Month” 
Christmas gift and lingerie video 
INFORMATION HOTLINE: 


TIB-P-AN-T-IE-S 


7875837 а 


To place an ad in 
PLAYBOY MARKETPLACE call 
1-800-592-6677, 


New York State call 
212-702-3952 


PATTI D'ARBANVILLE 


(continued from page 139) 
Francis gave her the recipe: it's excellent. 
You use ро 
sausage, and lots of 
and you cook it for, ‚ three days. / 
then fresh pasta that you ma 
with a litte machine. Spaghetti, pleas 
Keep it simple. And green salad: radic- 
chio. No tomatoes, because of the sauce. 
Scallions, three kinds of lettuce, garlic. 
Roasted green peppers in olive oil and 
some wine, if you want. And a big loaf of 
Italian bread 


10. 


ruavsov: What kind of gift from a guy 
makes you immediately suspicious of his 
intentions? 

DARBANVILLE: Oh, God. It depends, really, 
on whether or not you like the guy. The 
same gift can еа different effect, The 
oddest gift I ever got was from a guy I 
stood up once. He had been to the house. 
nd had brought me a St. Michael's candle. 
And a boule of wine. Well, first of all, 1 
don't drink. And second, it was just too in- 
trusive. It was like he thought he had 
figured me out. It was too intimate right 
away Also а litle соску Or wimpy, de- 
pending on how vou look at it 


11. 


т.зузоу: Whats a better teacher of c 
mitment—career or relationship? 
тлквхху te: Career God. how horrible to 
say that, but it’s true. Im so much more 
committed to my career than I've ever 
been to any relationship outside of that 
with my son, [Pauses] Actually, he's nui 
ber one. | would leave everything tomor- 
row if 1 had to for him. So maybe the best 
answer is children, They are the source of 
the unconditional love that is hard to find 
ina man-woman relationship. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: Your parents never married. 
When did you most wish that they had 
ollicially tied the knot? 

DARHASVILLE: [Laughs] Well, the thing is, 1 
never knew they weren't married until 1 
was twenty-one years old. ГА just come 
back home from Europe. It wasa holiday, a 
hideous CI mas—that's the only holi- 
day I hate—and my mother told me she 
had gotten a divorce. I was stunned. I said, 
“Gee, thanks for telling me beforehand, 
Mom," and I stormed out of the housc. She 
ran after me and we had a dramatic scene 
on the street corner. To make me feel bet- 
he said, "Actually, we were never mar- 
ried!” [Smiles] Y said, “Why didnt you tell 
me (hal? I's so much more interesting than 
"We got a fucking divorce." Лаке a walk. 


13. 


PL BOY: You've been part of many scenes: 
modeling, Warhols, acting. music, drugs. 
Which would you rather have sat ош? 

varas vir Î wish that 1 had sat out my 


CONDOMS BY MAIL! 
all nationally advertised brands 


Imagine getting 100 condoms in a single 
package by mail! Adam & Eve, one oi the most 
respected retailers of birth control product 
fers you a large selection of men's contra 
tives, Including TROJANS. RAMSES, LIFESTYLES 
and MENTOR plus PRIME with nonoxynol9 
Spermicidal lubrication and TEXTURE PLUS 
featuring hundreds of “pleasure dots,” We also 
offer your choice of the best Japanese brands 
— the most finely engineered condoms in the 
world! Our famous condom sampler packages 
(56.00 and $9.95) let you try top quality brands 
and choose for yourself. Or for fantastic savings 
why not try the new "Super 100° sampler of 100 
leading condoms — 16 brands (a $50 value tor 
just $19.95) Here is our guarantee: If you do not 
agree that Adam & Eve's sampler packages and 
overall service are the best available anvw! 
we will refund your money in full, no questions 


FO Box 300, Dept. 2858 
Carrboro. NC 27510 
under your money back 


Sampler зеш 
Samples 5905 
B sed Super 100 Sampler $19.95 


Address 
с State 


| GIANT 1990 
CALENDAR — 

16 MONTHS OF 

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN 

16 GORGEOUS BODIES— 


Пс Как 


Full-Color Phot 
Voluptuous W 
orth ЕЯ 


Only $6.95 = EXE; 


Send name address and $6 95 check orm o. to 
Secret Passions « PO Box £870 + Dept. YPE2 Chapel Hil. NC 27515 
ог use your Visa or MasterCard 


Call | toll e Veo sa: -5474 


Lines 


BE A WINNER! 


Byrne's Standard Video of Fool & Billiards 
“The best instructional video I've ever seen.” 
— Gene Shalit—NBC Today Show 
VOL. 1— Pool basics through game-winning playing 
Skills — Clear and Complete. (60 minutes) 
VOL. li — Advanced techniques for experienced 
players. Play like a professional. (50 minutes) 


Beat A Cheat—Secrets of a Card Sharp 
A sensalional exposé of how card cheats take jour 
money, Marked cards, stacked decks, dealing 
seconds, and lots mere. (46 min.) 
(С Су Each tape is $29.95 To order call 
1-800-835-2246 Ext ав * 


J) ee yr creat car, o mela enes orm to 
чай ип 8 so нюрю m Premere one 
een VON iu AC. Nace и GOAS 
О к sce ss 


PLAYBOY 


second marriage. He was abusi 
just looking backward. He ha 
first boyfriend. I was obsessed with him 
from the time I was thirteen years old. | 
found him in Florida thirteen years later 
and I married him two months after that. 
But, actually, I was in love with this nine- 
year-old boy that I remembered. He 
amc guy: | appeared one day 
id said, “Yo, this is 
it. Yo, Im y” Thirteen years later. 1 
was fulfilling some adolescent dream I had 
about the love of my life and it turned out 
badly. though, in retrospect, it was prob: 
bly good that I got that out of my s 
Except that I could have done without the 
black eye. 


where he 


14. 


rLAvBOY: You were mentioned in the 
Warhol Diaries. Did he get it right? 
DARBANVILLE: Yeah. He said that 1 was the 


cream of the crop but that I didnt know 
how to dress. [Points to her cutoff jeans and 
T-shirt] 1 still don't. 


15. 


Pi AYROY: What's the title of your autobiog- 
raphy? 
DARBANVILLE: Only Saints Can Sleep with 
Scorpions. When I was a ycar old, my fam 
ly moved to Miami. We were very poor and 
my mother didnt have a crib, so she put me 
on the floor in a closet, and when she woke 
up in the morning, 1 was covered with 
scorpions. But none of them had touched 
me. She said only saints can sleep with 
scorpion: 


16 


PLAYBOY: Take us on a tour of your tattoos. 
RRANYILLE: E have them on my left shoul- 
der, my thigh, my spine, my right ankle, 
my left hip and my right butt cheek. The 


Carrier landings are notoriously tricky." 


опе on my right ankle is a rose piercing a 
heart with blood dripping down, and that's 
the first one I got. It denotes an emotional 
state. [Smiles] On the left hip is a heart be- 
g pierced by a dagger, with blood drip- 
ping. Another heartache. 1 got the black 
тозе on my spine and the little hearton my 
cheek in 1986. I got the Bengal tiger on my 
thigh be ol a dream. 1 had a power 
dream about a tiger and afterward, it 
seemed important to have that on my body 
1 woke up with tattoo fever. 


Y. 


PLAYBOY: How much like a mpoo or 
soap commercial is your bathing routine? 
[Laughs] Zest. Yeah, Гизе all 
the soap. I lather myself profusely: I don't 
take showers. I take baths. I just like the 
way the warm water feels caressing my 
body: Some people say. “You're bathing in 
your own filth.” I dont care. Baths take 
more time. They're more relaxing. If I 
have to take a shower, it's because either 
there is no tub—in which case 1 change 
the hotel room—or Im ina real big hurry. 
I сап talk at length about some baths Гуе 
had. One time, I sat in the bathtub for sev- 
en hours and read the whole of Mila 18. by 
Leon Uris. in between turning on the hot 
and cold water. ] use my feet or hands, de- 
pending on what part of the book 1 am in- 
to at that particular point. I also like 
indies, but only when Um alone. Other- 
ise, you run the risk of catching on fire. 


18. 


prayson: How do you put a screen lover at 
eas 
DARBANVILLE: No one has ever seemed 
nervous to me. [Laughs] The only time 7 
felt a bit nervous was when I did Real Gen- 
ius. V had to make it with a fifteen-year-old 
boy: To calm things down, we laughed a lot 
and talked about Nintendo games—I've 
got a six-year-old, remember? It worked. 
But how often do you have a fifteen-year- 
old boy in a love scene? That happens only 
in real life. 


D'ARBANVILI 


19. 


PLAYBOY: What should someone your age 
know about life? 

DARBANVILLE: 10 stop repeating patterns 
that are bad for vou. I'm self-destructive. I 
had to recognize when that was imminent, 
when I started to lack sell-esteen 
chain of events. Td do something bad, feel 
shitty and want to hurt myself more for do- 
ing it. Sell-worth is probably going to be 
the theme of the Ninetie: 


20. 


summer, the Rob Lowe tape 
а stir. Is there a tape of any- 
to get аза gi 
Maybe Dolph Lundgrens. 


pinoy: Las 
caused qui 
one you'd li 
DARBANVIL 


STEEL WH 


THE NORTH AMERICAN TOUR 1989 эм 


n TUNE IN TO F = 
Budweiser THIS BUD S | «M El 


Nobody 
has the Carlton 


3. 
“The taste 
that's right 
for me? 


King Sie Soft Pack: mg. “ta”, 0.1 mp. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method 


© The American Tobacco Co.1989. 


ON "THIBEESCENE 


ou've removed your tux from the cleaner's bag, 
unwrapped your crisply pressed and starched shirt 
and located the studs, which, of course, have scooted 
under the bed. Then you spot that narrow band of 
silk—the bow tie—and it strikes: Your brow furrows, nervous 
sweat springs up and your fingers fidget and tremble. You're 


FEAR OF TYING 


the latest victim of the fearoftying. To conquerit, all you need 
is a little patience, a few minutes of practice and the instruc- 
tions on this page. The rewards are handsome. Being able to 
tie a bow tie is not something every Tom, Dick and Harry can 
do nowadays, so by tying your own, you set yourself stylish- 
ly apart from the cravatted crowd. Be a man; tie one on. 


"LLUSTRATONS BY NICK BACKES 


The drawings on this page show what 
you'll see if you stand in front of a mirror, 
tie in hand. In the instructions, left and 
right refer to what you'll see in the mirror, 
as well. 1. Arrange the tie around your 
neck with the right end (R) an inch and a 
half longer than the left end (L). 2. Loop 
the right end over the left end one time 
and pull it snug against your neck. 3. Fold 
the left end in half to make the front bow 
of the tie. Note how the crimp of the tie 
lines up with the center of your neck. 4. 
Bring the right loop of the tie over the 


folded left loop and pull it snug. 5. This is 
the toughie. Behind the front loop is a hole 
created by the knot you tied in step four. 
Findit. Now, using your thumb as a batter- 
ing-ram, push the top of the right side 
through. Keep pushing the fabric to the 
right through the hole to form the back 
loop. 6. Now your tie is tied, but it looks 
like hell. Pull and adjust the right and left 
loops simultaneously until you tighten the 
center knot and even the four ends you 
have created. 7. Go out and impress wom- 
en. They love a guy with manual dexterity. 


231 


GRAPEVINE 


A little off the Bottom 

What does a fine-looking woman wear under her jeans? 
We asked actress KRISTINE NASALSKI if she’d show 
us. It's your good luck that she said yes. It’s hard to be- 
lieve that this sunny face appeared in the feature film 
Trilogies of Terror, but it did, along with the rest of D 
Kristine. We like this shot better for our private Hot Stuff 

> 5 ене 
Grapevine bulletin board. Don't you? SEE HE'S de- 


but album of the 
same name has gone 
platinum and she's 
in the studio working 
on a follow-up LP 
due out in late win- 
ter. With Grammy 
and American Music 
Award nominations 
under her belt, Ka- 
ryn's on a roll. 


1 1969 MARK LEINDAL 


PAUL NATKINPHOTO RESERVE INC. 


Mr. Dee Wants You 


We admit it. We think KOOL 
MOE DEE is deeply hip. He 
has great raps and incredible 
clothes, and after the music 
stops, his lyrics stay In your 
head. Check out his latest 
album, Knowledge Is King. 


PAUL NATKINPHOTO RESERVE INC. 


Е 


PAULNATKINPHOTO RESERVE INC 


Out on His Own 

Do yourecognize former Hanoi Rocks frontman MICHAEL MONROE? His 
solo album, Not Fakin’ It, has had a strong start. Monroe says, “If I were a 
kid, this is the kind of music 1d listen to." Go, kids! 


NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK will be taking a bite out of the Big 
Apple, appearing at Madison Square Garden and in the 
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. For more holi- 


Facin; 
the Music 


We never said rock and roll 
was pretty. We did say that 
sometimes И was pretty 
weird. Here's exhibit A: On 
the left, singer JANI LANE, 
on the right, bassist JERRY 
DIXON, both of the band 
Warrant. See, for your hot 
pop-metal band, fooling 
around is more than a sport, 
it’s a necessity. 


Baby, 
Look at 


Her Now Y 


Remember little DANIELLE 
BRISEBOIS? She played 
Archie's niece on Archie 
Bunker's Place. You've seen 
her more recently on Knots 
landing as William Devane's 
daughter. She co-starred 
with Angie Dickinson in Big 
Bad Mama 11. Never mind ай 
this niece and daughter stuff; 
she's a woman now. 


1919 MARK LEIVDAL 


Block Party 


day cheer, get acopyofthe Kids’ 
Christmas album or Hangin’ 
Tough and party hardy. 


POTPOURRI = 


KNOCK "EM DEAD 


If you like bleak winter nights and cheat- 
ing widows out of their pensions, then 
youll want to allix a solid-brass door 
knocker resembling Jacob Marley's ghost 
in A Christmas Carol to your front door 
Measuring 7%" x 6", the knocker was 
created by artist Gloria Shrader, who 
wants everyone to know that she, person- 
ally, doesn't believe in ghosts. Order it 
from GRS Brass Works, 3055 Poppy Way, 
Louisville, Kentucky 40206, for $89.95. 
postpaid. Bah, humbug! 


THE RABBIT IS ITS OWN REWARD 


All you collectors of limited-edition graphics will be happy to learn that Art 
Paul, the first Art Director ol Playboy and the creator of our Rabbit Head 


bossing gives the Rabbit a three-dimensional ir 
at 800-345-6066 and ask for catalog number A P275. The price: 


TURNING OFF 
RADIO THIEVES 


As many an urban car owner has discov 
ered, those xo ranio signs dont work. 
since thieves tend not to take your word 
for it. Enter RadioGard, a device con- 
ceived by Gerald Levinson after his third 
radio was ripped off. The black box, 
which fits over your radio, comes with 
dangling, multicolored wires so it looks as 
if your stereo has already been stolen. 
Iwelve dollars sent to RadioGard Systems, 
3408 Manhattan Avenue, Manhattan 
Beach, California 90266 (or call 800-622- 
0067), is cheaper than à new radio. 


IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE 


Ecuador's Amazon jungle doesn't ¢ 


ive up its secrets easily, but we've discov- 
ed one and it’s worth the search, Two Americans, Eric and Maggi 
Schwartz, have opened La Selva, an exotic, mysterious and wonderfully re- 
mote hotel thats the Holy Grail for anyone seeking the ultimate jungle 
experience, At La Selva, vou stay in individual thatched huts (with 
plumbing), dine on fabulous food and embark on whatever jungle experi- 
ence you choose, from bird watching (more than 500 varieties are in the 
area) to catered camping trips. Package rates are $650 for seven days and 
six nights, including a night each way in Quito (Ecuatoriana Airlines air 
fare extra). For more information. contact La Selva at 6 de Diciembre 2816 
y James Orton. Quito, Ecuador. Or (from the US.) call 011-503-9-550-005 


240 


AFRICA CALLING 


Back in 1909, Teddy Roosevelt 
spent ten months in Africa. 
sporting a beltless bush jacke 
Now Stanle 
West 54th Str 
New York 10019, 
the White Hunter jacke 
production of the one TR. 
wore, featuring bellows pock- 
eis and a Norfolk-style back. 
‘The price: $169, postpaid 
sizes small through extra-large, 
And if youre looking for 
something to wear under the 
jacket, S & S makes a Western 
classic, the Sunday-rodeo shirt, 
of white two-ply Egyptian 
cotton broadcloth for $68. 


CONSUMER'S DREAM 
COME TRUE 


In this season of conspicuous 
consumption, what better ob- 
ject to own than that symbol of 
ultimate consumerism, the 
shopping cart? Only this shop- 
ping cart, which is called the 
Dreamkeeper, is a minia- 

ture (12 x 10" x 8”) reproduc- 
tion in chrome. Use it on your 
dresser or desk to hold all the 
stuff of your life that's forever 
scattered about: keys, 
pens, combs, etc. (A ha 
plastic insert is available for 
small stuff.) All for $ НО from 
Dreamkeeper, 1279 Tujunga 
Avenue, Studio City, С; 
91604. Or phone 800-866- 
to get rolling quick. 


MORE DREAM PIPES 


Other than to light up a good 
pe smokers have a rea- 
kin their fa- 
ir this winter 
n of The Ulti- 
mate Pipe Book, by Richard 
Carleton Hacker, has just been 
published in an updated ver- 
sion that includes more than 50 
new photos and an expanded. 
section on celebrity pulfers. 
(Yes, Hef is in there, along with 
Kimberley.) The book can be 
found at better tobacconists or 
you can order it directly from 
the author at PO. Box 
Beverly Hills, California 
90213, for $2: 
youre smokii 


NOT-SO-BASIC TRAINING 


Even if you're not obsessed with toy trains the way 
the three collectors including the famous Disney 
animator Ward Kimball) featured in the video 
tape Great Toy Train Layouts of America are, you) 
be inspired to get out the old Lionel after se 
the setups Tom McComas and James Tuohy adapt- 
ed from their book of the same name. All for just 
$32, postpaid (in VHS or Beta). sent to TM Video, 
PO. Box 279, New Buffalo, Michigan 49117 


EN 


FOR SHOWING, NOT BLOWIN 


Cary Grants elegant appearance wasnt just in his 
double-breasted suits but in the folds of his pocket 
t element of 
dressing is addres let Fashion Folds 
for Men & Women, by Richard Fierstein, which 
ble for $5.95 from Pro С 


New Jersey 07 79. Our М: ne Dietrich model 
looks nifty, but vou know it’s not her pointed 


SEVERANCE PAY 


NEXT MONTH 


REMEMBERING WARHOL 


“SO GOES THE DECADE"—A TIP OF THE HAT TO THE 
WHOS AND THE WHATS THAT GOT US THROUGH 
THE EIGHTIES, PLUS EDUCATED GUESSES ABOUT THE 
NINETIES FROM THE LIKES OF T. BOONE PICKENS, 
TIMOTHY LEARY AND AL NEUHARTH; AND OUR 
“NAME THE NINETIES CONTEST” 


“REMEMBERING WARHOL”—ANDY'S LONG ASSOCIA- 
TION WITH PLAYBOY IS REVIEWED BY THE ART INSTI- 
TUTE OF CHICAGO'S CURATOR OF 20TH-CENTURY 
PAINTING AND SCULPTURE, CHARLES STUCKEY 


TOM CRUISE TALKS ABOUT HIS TROUBLED CHILD- 
HOOD, DEFINES SUCCESS HOLLYWOOD STYLE AND 
EXPLAINS WHY HIS ROLE AS A PARAPLEGIC IN BORN 
ON THE FOURTH OF JULY IS SO IMPORTANT TO HIM IN 
ATIMELY PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“MEMOIRS OF A HIT MAN, PART TWO”—OUR ANTI- 
HERO GOES INTO THE FEDS' WITNESS-PROTECTION 
PROGRAM AND REGRETS IT—BY DONALD FRANKOS 


“PLAYBOY’S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW"—AN 
EXHAUSTIVE SURVEY OF ALL 292 DIVISION-ONE 


"y 
PLAYMATE REVIEW 


TEAMS, WITH THE НООР SCORE ON WHO'LL DO WHAT 
TO WHOM THIS SEASON—BY GARY COLE 


“SEVERANCE PAY”—SIZZLING SHOTS OF ACTRESS 
JOAN (WISEGUY, SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL) SEVER- 
ANCE, WITH TEXT BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


“DEEP IN THIS LAND”—FOR THE FIRST TIME IN DEC- 
ADES, A NEW STORY BY THE LATE MASTER OF WEST- 
ERN FICTION, ERNEST HAYCOX 


“MIND CONTROL”—ELECTROMAGNETIC-FIELD WEAP- 
ОМНҮ CAN MAKE YOU PUKE OR ZAP YOUR BRAIN. 
WELCOME TO THE TOP-SECRET, AND TERRIFYING, FU- 
TURE—BY LARRY COLLINS 


PLUS: PROFILES OF TWO MEN WHO DEFINED THE 
EIGHTIES, GOOD GUY TED TURNER (BY JOSHUA HAM- 
MER) AND BAD GUY MICHAEL MILKEN (BY MARK 
HOSENBALL); “PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW," A 
DELECTABLE BAKER'S DOZEN; SCIENCE FICTION BY 
ROBERT SILVERBERG; AND *20 QUESTIONS" WITH 
RAUNCHY COMEDIAN ANDREW "DICE" CLAY 


COMING IN THE MONTHS AHEAD: PLAYBOY INTERVIEWS WITH EDDIE MURPHY, DONALD TRUMP AND STE- 
PHEN HAWKING; “THE YEAR IN SEX"; PICTORIALS ON THE GIRLS OF CANADA AND THE BIRDS OF BRITAIN; “20 
QUESTIONS" WITH ACTORS DENNIS HOPPER AND JOHN (NIGHT COURT) LARROQUETTE, AND MUCH MORE 


YOU САМ TASTE THE WIND 
IN ISOLATED SPLENDOR 
FOR A LOT LESS THAN $75,000. 


IN FACT, LESS THAN $7000. 


It's not surprising that people 
are willing to pay a fortune for a 
delicious commodity. Solitude. 

Oneness with the elements is 
seductive. Its the sheer exhilara- 
tion, even a welcome grittiness, 
of tacking into the unknown. With- 
out phones. Without schedules. 

Which describes life on a 
BMW, except for some unusual 
advantages. Total control. And a 
radically lower price tag. 

Its enough to reawaken a 
dream. The incredible sensation 
of riding a BMW. 

Our K75S, for example, slices 
through the wind with an inte- 
grated fairing that not only pro- 
tects the rider, but adds stability. 
And even for the novice rider, 
the three-cylinder 750cc engine 
boasts a wide power range that 
is as manageable as it is inspiring. 

The splendor of BMW's engi- 
neering also is expressed in our 
limited warranty, which covers 
the K75S against any defects in 
workmanship and materials for 
three years and an unlimited 
number of miles.“ 

It should also be reassuring 
to know that your purchase of 
any new BMW includes auto- 
matic membership in the BMW 
Motorcycle Roadside Assistance 
Plan." Unlike others, we would 
never love you and leave you. 

Your BMW motorcycle dealer 
will tell you that the K75S is 
priced from $6,990. So ask him 
some questions. Or ask for a 
demonstration. 

The confidence he can give 
you, even if you haven't ridden a 
motorcycle in quite some time, 
may encourage you to circum- 
navigate the earth in a totally 
new way. 

Or, at the very least, remind 
you that your ship has come i 


WORTH THE OBSESSION. 


ENGLAND 


KNOWN FOR ITS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. 


THE GIN OF ENGLAND. AND THE WORLD. 


GORDON SS 


IN U.S.A. ACCORDING TO THE FORMULA OF ALEXANDER GORDON AND COMPANY LONDON. ENGLAND 
109% NEUTRAL SPIRITS DISTILLED PROM GRAIN 40% ALCIVOL (80 PROOF) THE DISTILLERS COMPANY PLAINFIELD ILL AND UNON CITY CA © 966 
ТО SEND A GIFT OF GDRDON'S GIN ANYWHERE IN THE USA, DIAL 1-800-238-4373. VDID WHERE PROHIBITED. 


E