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LAYAOY

ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN

э нік TE

Te WOMEN
THAT SAYS OF

GLASNOST

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In foct, chief mastering engineer Bob Ludwig of the renowned
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PLAYBILL

THE THING WE LIKE about February is that it’s the last month of win-
ter. Sure, it can still (reeze—look, we're from Chicago; we've had
snow and sleet in May—but come the second month of the year
and we can say, "So much for winter" Mind you, Siberian cabin
s easier to take when you have the world’s favorite
magazine to keep you warm, and this p:
anteed to melt the mush off y nukluks.

Aforementioned thoughts of Siberia lly carry us to this
month's precedent setting pictorial The Women of Russia, pho-
tographed by Alexander “Sasha” Borodulin, son of the Soviet-Isracli
photojournalist Lev Berodulin. Sasha, who d me between BORODULI
Moscow and Manhattan, was the key player in the two-year cam.
paign that produced the feature. Our Photography Depart-
ments Managing Editor, Jeff Cohen, adds a revealing —and often
comic—memoir of his Russian adventures on the trail of our
glasnost girls in Mission: Iuplausible.

Another warming trend appears in Contributing Editor David
Rersir's wave-making interview with megastar Eddie Murphy, in
which Mr. M. gets a load off his chest about America's comedians,
Elvis, Sly Stallone's ex-wile and Murphy’ (almost) to-list en-
counter with Coming to America's director, John Landis.

Fiendish laughter is supplied by Late Night with David Letter-
man writer Fred Graver in The Night of 1000 Ratings Points, one
man’s devilish prescription to create the all-time TV hit. Start
with Bill Cosby's Dr. Huxtable giving Roseanne Borr a physical dur-
ng half time at the Super Bowl and fantasize from Шеге. The
illustration is by Steve Brodner.

Steve Pond, who profiled Arsenio Hall in our December issue, rc-
turns with an instructive look at actor Richerd Dreyfuss, who
zoomed all the way to the top of the trade before he was 30, almost
bought the farm by 35 and bounced back at 40 better than ever.

Nearly a decade has slipped by since а Тот Robbins story ran in
these pages, but the autho еп Cowgirls Get the Blues veuurns
with a nonfiction valentine tribute to one of mankind's nicest cre-
ations in The Kiss, 1a from A Kiss Is Just a Kiss, newly pub-
lished by Harmony. Robbins has а fifth novel, Skinny Legs and
All, due in April. Artwork for Kiss comes from Mel Odom.

Frequent contributor Robert Silverberg (last appearance In A

Sleep and а Forgetting, July 1989) returns with Hot Sky, which car-
ries us to the sun-scorched world of 2133, when the milk of hu-
n kindness has long since curdled.
Senior Staff Writer James R. Petersen, a.k.a. The Playboy Advi-
sor, took up wind surfing a few years ago and now rides the
Caribbean trade winds in Jim & Harrys Totally OK Adventure in
Belize, with artwork by David Wilcox.

And say hello to Patricia Volk, prizc-win
York Times Magazine contributor, who makes her debut in our
a short story on that notably sticky subject, Jism.
és more: Singer—writer—country star Dwight Yoakam re-
10.20 Questions posed by fre.
Editorial Assistant in our Chicago headqu The Year
in Sex, we answer the perennial question Is nothing sacred?
a resounding, Not much! Senior Editor Gretchen Edgren, Associate
Art Director Bruce Hansen and Assistant Photo Editor Patty
Beoudet rode herd on the pr

Our Playmate is a gorgeous Canad
who comes from Vancouver, the home of nine other Play %
including Playmate of the Year Kimberley Conrad, now known as
Mrs. Hugh Hefner She's one of the attractions in Mukai, a portfolio
from gifted artist Dennis Mukai (his work illustrates The Playboy
Advisor ev month). Fashion Editor Hollis Wayne gives us the
skinny on brushed leather in Easily Suede, and there's still more
ness in our Playboy Collection, including a limited-edi-
tion Monopoly set. Now. that’s what we call a magazine.

Incidentally, those of you who tried to са for Playmate of
the Year and got “Sorry, wrong number —well. we apologize.
Seems two digits in the prelix got transposed. But we've kept the
phone-in alive: See page eight. PETERSEN WILCOX VOLK

fever is ah

ticular issue is

mei
8

ng author and New

J&B Scotch Whisky. Blended and bottled in Sd 00, fine wine and spirit merchants since 1749.
To send a gift of J&B anywhé )-528-6148. Void where prohibited.

PLAY BOY.

vol. 37, no. 2—february 1990 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN‘S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

PLAYBILL „2322002524 #08 220044 040 ——————— ÉD
DEAR PLAYBOY Е РОР da een pean Sa eee eres

PORTO AFTER HOURS, Saas сое ае зз кафие ta nenn anne ее саяз аз» 13
MEN. ee ES aan inneres ASA BABERE ОВ
SPORIS... PREA DAN JENKINS 31
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR .. 33
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 37
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: EDDIE MURPHY—candid conversation ................ 47
THE WOMEN OF RUSSIA—pictoriol ................................ 70
MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE—article ............................... JEFF COHEN 82
HOT SKY— fiction ...................................... ROBERT SILVERBERG 86
EASILY SUEDE—fashion ........... азанда zara cas NOUS WAYNE 88
THE КІ55................................................ ТОМ КОВВІМ5 92
MUKAI- pictorial ....................... ағы ЛГА ЛТ Г 96
TWO MINUTES TO WITHDRAWAL—food. . .. KAREN МАС NEIL ond CARL JEROME 100
B.C. BEAUTY—playboy's playmate of the month ................ % 102
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKEShumor .... sss sss 114
JIM 8 HARRY'S TOTALLY OK ADVENTURE IN BELIZE—travel .... JAMESR.PETERSEN 116
PLAYBOY COLLECTION—modern living. ....... 118
THE NIGHT OF 1000 RATINGS POINTS—humor. . ..... FRED GRAVER 122
20 QUESTIONS: DWIGHT YOAKAM ............................ 124
EM ee ER Л ЕГ PATRICIA VOLK 126
THE ADULTHOOD OF DUDDY KRAVITZ playboy profile. .......... STEVE POND 130
THE YEAR IN SEX—pictorial................... Ол» are en 132
PLAYBOY ON|THE SCENE? cd ы а ыны . 165

Sultry Soviets

COVER STORY

Polish-born model Bogna heralds the end of the Cold War in a cover
produced by Associate Photo Editor Michael Ann Sullivan, styled by

Lee Ann Perry and shot by Contributing Photographer Stephen Мауса.

Her coat is from Evans Inc, hat by Lenore Marshall, gloves by Naomi
Misle, jewelry by Kaso, lingerie by Jeune Europe. Pat Tomlinson did
make-up and John Victor the hair styling. Hats off to the Rabbit!

SEMEN. OFFICES: ч шо. вво понти LAKE SHORE оледі CHICAGO па моь so. PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY TO RETURN un

"Cons Cas COMPACT Oc SEAT BETWEEN PAGES E 07. TME URE GOONS BMO CAN

PLAYBOY

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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editorin-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
ТОМ STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso-
cuate editor; FICTION: ALICE к TURNER editor;
MODERN LIVING: navi) Stevens senior edi
tor; PHILLIP COOPER, ED WALKER associate editors;
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate editor; WEST
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH-
EN EDGREN senior edilor; JAMES R PETERSE
senior staff writer; BRUCE KLUGER, BARBA!
KATE NOLAN associate. edilors; JOHN (15
coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE
WENDY GRAY assistant editor; CARTOONS:
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS
editor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant editor; MARY ZION
senior researcher: LEF BRAUER. CAROLYN BROWNE
BARI NASH, КЕМА SMITH, DEBORAH WEISS research-
ers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER.
DENIS BOYLES. KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES,
AWHENCE GROBEL, CYNTHIA HEIMEL, WILLIAM |
ELMER, DAN JENKINS. WALTER LOWE, JR., D. REITH
MANO. REG POTTERTON. DAVID КЕЧЫМ. RICHARD
RHODES, DAVID SHEFE DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE
LANSON (movies) SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER

ART

16 pore managing director; CHET SUSKI. LEN
LIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN associate di-
sector; JOSEPH PACZEK, ERIC SHROPSHIRE assistant
directors; KRISTIN SAGERSTROM junior director;
ANN SEIDL senior keyline and paste-up artist; вил.
BENWAY. PAUL CHAN art assistanls; BARBARA HOFF.
MAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN
managing editor; LINDA KENNEN. JAMES LARSON,
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; DATEN
BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR senior
staff photographer; STEVE CONWAY assistant photog-
rapher; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY
FREVIAG, RICHARD діл, DAVID МЕСЕУ BYRON
NEWMAN, STEPHEN WAVDA contributing phologra-
Әйет; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color
155 business manager

MICHAEL PERLIS publisher
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher

PRODUCTION

Jotin MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
АПА JOHNSON assistant manager; JODY JUNGE TO.
RICHARD QUAKTAKOUL CARRIE LA KOL assistants

CIRCULATION
BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation direc
far: ROBERT ODONNELL. retail marketing and sales
director; STEVE M. COHEN communications director

ADVERTISING
JAMES J ARCHAMBAULT. JR., JEFFREY D. MORGAN 550-
ciate ad directors; STEVE MEISNER midwest man-
ager: JON PEASUEY ne york sales director

READER SERVICE.

CYNTHIA LACEVSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE

EILEEN KENI editorial services manager; MARCIA
TERRONES rights ES permissions administrator

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer

THE NATIONAL WILDLIFE FEDERATION PRESENTS

CRY OF THE NORTH,

A WwW ORL D Р Е EM E К

THE WHITE WOLF ОЕ THE ARCTIC CAPTURED
IN HAND-PAINTED PORCELAIN. POISEDON
AN ICY SUMMIT OF FULL-LEAD CRYSTAL.

A powerful creation by acclaimed wildlife artist D.J. Shinn.
The fierce beauty of the wolf portrayed in the richness
of bisque porcelain. Carefully hand-painted to reveal

the contrast of the wolf's bold features and snowy

white fur.

Majestically poised atop an icy precipice of
full-lead crystal. Fire-polished to sparkle
as brilliantly as the arctic ice.

The price, $225, payable in conve-
nient monthly installments.

‘Shown smaller than actual
size of 12/4" in height.

Please mail by February 28, 1990

National Wildlife Federation

C/o The Franklin Mint

Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091
Please accept my order for CRY OF THE
NORTH, an imported sculpture to be hand-
crafted in fine hand-painted porcelain and
full-lead crystal.

1 need send no payment now. | will be
billed іп 5 monthly installments of 545."
each, beginning when my sculpture is
ready to be sent to me.

Al SIGNATURE
Кк
ADDRESS
CITY/STATE/ZIP

12200-25

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SORRY,

If you tried toc
the Year, you were di: М
Somehow, two numbers in the prefix
were transposed and we printed 702
instead of 720. Well, here are the
correct numbers. lo accommodate
all of you who tried to call and
couldn't, the phone-in period and

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the chance to chat with the Playmate
of your choice have been extended
through January 20, 1990.

Miss January "Томпо MocLoren 1900-720-001
Wiss February Simone Eden 1-900-720-6002
Miss North ‘Lourie Wood 1900720003
Miss April Jennifer Jockson 190072060
iss Noy Monique Noel 1900720-6005
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Miss November Reneé Tenison 1900-720-601
Miss December Рато Verkoik 900-720-6012

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBDY
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
GHICAGD, ILLINOIS 60611

KASPAROV INTERVIEW

You will never know how many chess
players were made deliriously happy by
your Playboy Interview with Garry Kas-
parov in the November issue. It would be
interesting if somebody could find Bobby
Fischer to interview him, as well.

Grand master Kasparov may soon have
10 cat his words concerning his views of
women in chess, as evidenced by the three
teenage Polgar sisters who are taking the
chess world by storm. Perhaps Playboy
should interview them: They are also
good-looking.

Donald C. Lautenbach
Long Beach, California

The interview with Garry K
your best and most important ever. While
1 disagree with his few sexist comments, he
is a hero. Please send reprints to all mem-
bers of Congress.
Hon. Robert Arthur Hall
Tallahassee, Florida
Hall was a minority whip of the Massachu-
setts Senate, 1979—1980 and 1981-1982.

оу was

World chess champ Kasparov

iew with Gar
veals a man with an unfortu

y Kasparov

istic notion of greed, materialism and him-
self.

Kasparov, in his pursuit of the big buck,
doesn't appear to realize or care about the
dark side of U.S. capitalism—the home-
lessness, the pathetic educational system,
the racism, the lack of national health in-
surance and the costly, superfi
campaigns in which wealthy special inter-
ests largely control our political proces
charles Dyer, J
Tulsa, Oklahoma

I found Garry Kasparov's attitude to-
ward women chess players ironic—I mean,
we're talking about a game where the most
powerful piece on the board is female. Is
called the queen, and even Kasparov ad-
mits that you cannot win without her. And
as for a woman's “being helpless if she has
male opposition." he should be aware that
women have been valiantly fighting male
opposition for more than a few centuries
now and doing pretty damn good at it.

Robby Cline
Pearblossom, California

ABORTION: THE BOTTOM LINE
Thank you, Playboy, for publishing ‘Ted
Turner's statement on abortion in your
November Forum. | couldn't have said it
better myself. And Robert Scheer, in his
November Reporters Notebook, “Abortion:
The Bottom Line,” gets a great message
to the readers of Playboy. I agree with
him entirely. Im an American soldier and
I sometimes wonder why I raised my right
hand to die for the rights guaranteed by
our Constitution, with people such as pro-
lifers trying to take our rights away
Sp Andrew G. Hall
Jolon, Californi

Т can see a
e. Such
of

In your report on a
bias toward pro-che
partisan reporting is unfair to those
us who oppose abortion. 1 don't bel
the majority agrees with your opinion
McGord

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PLAYBOY

DR. SPINTHER

Thanks for a good November issue of
Playboy.

Dan Thrapp has been my friend for
long time—at least as far back as 14 yea
ago, when he left Lawrence, Kansas, on a
shoestring and stored his extensive collec-
tion of Playboys in my attic. Lam extremely
proud of his accomplishments as a write
Dr Spinther (Playboy, November) is the sec-
ond of his stories that I've read in your
magazine, and 1 think it's wonderful. The
ng is tight, visual and extremely orig
. And I like the moral of the s
which, while making its point, maintains a
light tone. I say congratulations to you and
your staff for having the good taste to pub-
lish it. Students in my class on American
fiction want to read it aloud, which we'll do
later in the semester.

Chester Sullivan, Associate Professor
"The University of Kansas
Lawrence, Kansas

DONNA MILLS

The pictures in your November issue of
the early Donna Mills are nothing short of
spectacular. Her face, legs and other asse
are among the most magnificent 1 p
ever seen

Duane Brooks
Pittsburgh, Pennsylva

Playboy has proved that Do
even more beautiful now than 20 ye
go, from her incredible face to her sculp-
tured derriere and perfect legs to the tips
of her toes. But will we ever get to see the
current Donna Mills from the front with-
ош any more maddening obstructions? It
has always been perfectly clear that the
magnificent Mills is no Dolly Parton, but
who says а woman has to be a 40-D to be
gorgeous

Tim Jacobs
Dübendor

Switzerland

SWITZER STICK
T just finished reading the Sports col
led “The Good, the Bad and the Ba

ins, in the November
Thanks for showing the world who Barry

Switzer really is. It is sad to see one of the
greatest coaches forced out by N.C.A.A.
rules that are so far behind the times.

Кеп Krame

Cincinn Ohio

As one who has shared a brew (or two)
with Barry Switzer, please allow me this op-
portunity to respond to Dan Jenkins.
Amen, amen, amen.
Scott St. Jame
KHJ-TV/Nine
Hollywood, С

Sports Director

fornia

ins’ column on Barry Switzer
that

Dan Jen!
in the November issue m
the condition kno
spread: Bad is good and good is bad.
Thus, according to Jenkins’ logic, Switzer
is a good guy because he feels anguish for
his players’ financial woes, while he is
unresponsive to their academic needs.
Schembechler and Holtz are held up to
disdain because of their “clean programs’
and scholastic integrity. Remarkable!

Bob McHugh

Dudley, Massachusetts

Lagree with Dan Jenkins’ views on Bar-
ry Switzer and the great University of
Oklahoma football progr

But in all fairness to Paul “Bear”
Bryant’s great football legacy Barry
has won only three N.C.A.A.

championship:
1974, 1975

nor seven.
and 1985.
"Iony Dee Palmer
Wellston, Oklahoma
Have a look at Jenkins’ January 1989
Playboy column for a listing of Switzer* sev-
en national (not N.C.A.A.) championships.

They wei

REBUTTAL ТО HEIMEL

Speaking as one of Manhattan's happily
married couples, we take exception to Cyn-
thia Heimels Women column “A Soci;
Scourge” in the November issue. We do
not consider ourselves either scourges є
mug, and Heimels idea that the institu-
tion of marriage is simply “the latest trend”
s just plain laughable. Frankly, Cynthia, it
casy to sce why you, with all your bitter-
ager, are still alone
Emily E. and David L. Coffman
New York, New York

RENEE TENISON

Fd like to offer November Playmate
Reneé Tènison a toast to beauty and excel-
lence. She just magnetized me. She looks
pretty as a dam:

Wendell С. Terry
Davenport, lowa

n you have proved that nudity can
show dignity and that beauty can go be-
yond skin. Your November Playm:
Reneé Tenison, is evidence of that
will the rest of America catch up w
and realize that we can no longer

When

ас

10 evaluate people by their color but only
by their attributes? Miss “Tenisons attri-
шев speak for themselves. lis а shame
that some publications still harbor raci
views. I have never seen a white woma
Beauty of the Week in Jel. America will
regain her strength when we stop fighting
опе another.

nas

Steven Casey
Seattle, Washington.

FAN MAIL

In the November Drar Playboy, a reader
inquires how to reach John Cougar Mel-
lencamp. You reply that Mellencamp
doesnt have a club. Unfortunately,
your reply is incorrect.

Minutes to Memories is his authorized
international fan club. We have more th
500 members world-wide and are a strong,
well-organized and active club.

Kiersten McKay, Director
Minutes to Memories

ап

PO. Вох MTM/JCM
Latrobe, Pennsylvania 15650
S&L HELP
1 just read your article Inside Job: The

Looting of Americas Savings and Loans
(Playboy, November), by Stephen Pizzo,
Mary Fricker and Paul Muolo, concerning
the rip-off of the savings-and-loan indus-
try. This, together with the HUD scandal,
has brought my blood to the boiling point.
I want to do something. Ca уои put me
in contact with some orga
watches over these Governmei
1 want to get involved but am ignorant
about what to do a: dividual.

Patrick Crowl

McKinleyville, California

Contact the Government Accountability

Project, Suite 700, 25 E Street, N.W., Wash-
ington, D.C. 20001, or Common Cause,
2030 M Street, Suite 300, N.W., Washing-
ton, D.C. 20036.

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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

KIDS DO THE DARNEDEST THINGS

Kids in the Hall is a Canadian comedy
ensemble that is so weird even cabbages
arent safe around it. And we mean that
sincerely, having spent a litde time in
Toronto with the Kids while they taped an
episode for their regular HBO show

Whats so weird about them? Well, for
example, theres the cabbage thing. A guy
tries to ply his date with his own misfor

tune: He has a cabbage for a head. In an
other skit, drinking buddies sentimentally
toast a deceased pal. Slowly, it becomes
clear that they murdered the guy. In an-
other, maimed victims of a killer shark fret
about the anim

Is feelings. And in per-
est skit, a loony in a park
sights a passer-by between his thumb and
forefinger, “crushes” the guys head be-
tween his fingers and then turns to set his

sights on a new victim.

This is the sort of skewed humor that
lassoed the interest of Saturday Night Live
executive producer Lorne Michaels, who
nurtured the Kids from a raucous night-
club act to a polished television troupe and
is now the executive producer of 20 weeks!
worth of their shows for HBO and the
Canadian Broadcasting Corporation
atching the taping, we found the most
important component of their success—
the fans. They called themselves Kidheads
and gleefully spanked their palms before
the Ари Aust sign flickered at the end of
each scene. Two young women among
them told us they had seen the Kids on TV
апа had flown in from Santa Barbara just
to see them work in person.

The Kids are now making the
squeamish transition from knowing their
fans by name to becoming Buddhas of the
small screen. After the taping, the quin-
tet—David Foley, Bruce McCulloch, Kevin
McDonald, Mark McKinney and Scott
Thompson—presented the — Kidheads
from California with a wilting souvenir:
the actual vegetable worn by McCulloch in
the cabbage-head sketch

“Из scary" McKinney told us later
Those women are our first tangible sign
that we're actually on TV"

In any case, the Kids’ reckless mirth
makes broadcasters swoon. Said Bridget

pol

Potter, HBOS senior vice-president for
original programing, “Not since the early
SCTV cast have we seen a group with so
much potential.”

Swaddled in such flattery, are the Kids in
peril of losing their irreverent edge? At
the suggestion. five heads swiveled. "We'll
never be spoiled,” asserted Foley. *
thing, we insist that our valets be brutally
honest with us.”

“or one

DINER MAN

In Barry Levinsons 1982 movie Diner,
Mickey Rourke played a womanizing hair-
dresser-cum-law student named Boogie.
He was quick with such pithy lines as “If
you dont have good dreams, Bagel, you
got nightmares” Having modeled the
character on a real high school pal from
Baltimore named Leonard “Boogie” Wein
glass, Levinson has gone on to such film
successes as Good Morning, Vietnam and
Rain Man. And Weinglass? He has gone
into the diner business, first in chichi As-
pen and now in Chicago, where he just
opened a second Boogics Diner

The Boogies concept goes way beyond
meat loaf and gravy. In addition to diner

fare, Boogies markets clothing—very ex-
pensive, trendy clothing. The Aspen spot
reportedly grossed $4,000,000 in its first
year and, in fact, caters to such luminaries
as Donald Trump.

“He comes in there regular.” said Wein-
glass, his back-alley accent competing with
his penthouse threads that were off-the-
rack Boogiewear: natty black suit, bolo tie
and snakeskin boots
met up with the

pony-tailed Boogie at his new
joint, which occupies very expensive quar-
ters in the posh Rush Street/Gold Coast
district of Chicago.

“The diner of yesterday couldn't attract
the snooty-hooty rich. But this one can,"
he announced, assuring us that the high
tech two-level restaurant/boutique main-
tains the traditional countertop charm
“We have all the milk-shake cups, the right
spoons, the sugar, the dispensers and all
the paraphernalia that goes along with a
dines.” And the big silver napkin holder
"Of course. You've gotta have that.

“Our motto,” he observed pithily, pro-
nouncing it тобе, "Eat dress
cool.’ You gotta eat heavy to go to
You cant get quiche. You gotta get the
hamburger, mashed potatoes with turkey
gravy and our homemade carrot cake."

Curious? The carrot cake goes for three
bucks, the boots for 8298.

real-life silver-

heav

dincr

TRANSPORTED

A Soviet psychic named Frenkel sought
to prove his powers late last усаг by at-
tempting to stop a freight train. Claiming
that hed previously stopped bicycles, cars
and streetcars, Frenkel stepped in front of
the train with his arms raised, his head
lowered and his body tensed. The train,
unable to stop, ran him over. We suspect
he'll come back as Shirley MacLaine.

HOW TO CURB YOUR FROG

Scott Shultz is mayor of Stevens Point,
Wisconsin, the only municipality we know
of that has an official frog-crossing zone.
“The frogs kept getting tapped along the
curb and swept down the storm drains,
Shultz told us, "so we put in frog ramps:

nation, wi

gan by declaring that
'all men are created
equal.’ We now practi-
cally read it ‘All men
are created equal, ex
сері Negroes.”
When it comes to this,
I should prefer emi
grating to some coun-
try where they make
no pretense of loving
liberty—to Russia, for
instance, where de:
potism can be taken
pure, and without the
base alloy of hypoc-
TÍSY"—ABRAHAM LIN-

согм in 1855

MIRROR, MIRROR can household

Average number of
inches that men add
to their height when
estimating it, .57; that
women add, .23. how

Average number of pounds that men
add to their weight when reporting it.
91: that women subtract, 23.

On a one-to-ten scale, with ten being
the highest. the score most Americans
give their personal looks: 6.5.

ALARMING

Percentage of Americans who use a
‚conventional bell or buzzer alarm clock
to wake up in the morning, 30; who
wake up to a radio station, 14; who use
the “snooze bar" of a radio alarm,
eight; who oversleep, ten.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

Percentage of American consumers
with an annual household income of
835000 or more who shampoo their
hair daily: 69.

Percentage with an annual household
income between 815,000 and $25.000
who shampoo their hair daily: 6!

Percentage with an annual household
income under $15,000 who shampoo
their hair daily: 51.

.
Percentage of American consumers

Houston

s or more.

FACT OF THE MONTH

wers in a typical Ame

of television a week. House-
holds in Dallas, Detroit and
w the most TV
a weekly consumption of 55

SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS |

with an annual house-
hold income of
5000 or more who
brush their teeth
least once a day 97;
percentage of brush-
ers who brush three
or more times a day,
25; who floss daily, 36.

AIDS WAI

In an international
survey, the percent
age of people who
think AIDS is the
most urgent health
problem facing their
coun! in Brazil, 79;
in Niger h
United Si

atch 49 hours — x
The country with

the highest percent-
age of people who
with think AIDS will be-
come a general epi-
demic: Brazil (67)
The country with
the lowest percentage: India (six)
.

Percentage of people who would re-
fuse to work with someone who had
AIDS: in Japan. 68; in Australia, seven:
in the United States. 25.

NEITHER SLEET NOR RAIN.

Percentage of Americans who think
they receive more junk mail now than
they did a few years ago: 63. Percentage
who thought that in 1974: 44.

Percentage of Americ
20 or more sales leue:
Percentage in 1974: two.

.
age of Americans who throw
away without opening the en-

ns who receive
in a week: Il.

Percentage of Americans who think
they are receiving more telephone sales
calls today than they received a few
years ago: 54.

Percentage of Americans who hang
up on the callers without listening to
the pitch: 40.

And warning signs. At the top of the post
is a picture of four leaping frogs—to warn
motorists. At the bottom is a tiny picture of
а car—io warn the frogs.

The signs were once stolen. “We've weld-
ed the signs in place this time,” says Shultz
The city now sells FROG cnossına T-shirts
“We figure people just want a souvenir”
says Shultz, If you do. send $11 to City Hall.
Frog Shirt, 1515 Strongs Avenue, Stevens
Point, Wisconsin 54481. Specify size
(small, medium, large or extra-large).

HOT TIME IN THE COLD TOWN

In most of the country, how to stay warm
a reasonable topic of conversation in
bruary. Asa public service, therefore, we
ational Falls, Minnesota—re-
the 48 contigu-
to interview Alma “Scoots”
Ysen of the popular Thunderbird Lodge
We asked her to name the Thunderbird's
three most requested hot drinks— heaters,
as it were. They are The Peppermint Pat

ty—one shot of peppermint schnapps in a
mug of hot cocoa; The Macaroon—one
shot of Malibu rum in a mug of hot cocoa;
and an unnamed drink made with a shot
of cinnamon schnapps in a mug of hot ap-
ple cider. Observed Scoots, “Actually, we
don't notice the cold. In fact, most people
drink cold beer all year." That's cool

n
called I
putedly the coldest town

ous states

CAR-TOON

We've seen those stuffed Garfields stuck
to car windows, but we haven't known what
they were for umil now. Police in Ce S
Christi, Texas, claim that one of the critters
actually deflected a bullet that shattered
the window of a pickup truck. They say
Garfield saved the life of a five-year-old
girl inside. We don't mean to question the
boys from ballistics, but arent the police
overlooking a more obvious explanation?
Maybe the shooter was aiming for the cat

WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER EARO

The London Sun veports that twin
brothers Barry and Alan Marshall both
have had parts of their left cars bitten off
The top half of Barry's was nibbled off by
“a hungry hooligan” on a bus three years
ago. Alan lost a section of his left ear dur-
ng а recent вешіНе in his neighborhood
near Rotherham, South Yorkshire, where
he and his brother have come to he known
as"the caro rding 10 Alan, “Biting
off ears is a bit of a sport around here.”

BUT WHAT'S DI WEARING?

In British fashion, m
internationalism. London is
packed with Africans, Asians, Indi
West Indians and loud Americans
fashion world there, we
bracing ethn
Westernized

the
noticed, is em-
у. Many Soho shops sell

African-print shirts and
skirts, Afghan caps and Nehru jackets with
bright metallic Indian details. Irs still on
the cutting edge, but, said one Soho shop-
keeper, invoking a certain voodoo econo-
mist of yore. “all things trickle down.”

THE OFFICIAL MILITARY ISSUE
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CHARLES M. YOUNG

RICKIE LEE JONES has been up, down, some:
where in between and nearly out of it since
her debut in 1979. Flying Cowboys (Gellen),
her first release since 1984, is an unequivo-
cal up. Produced by Walter Becker, who
brings his Steely Dan quest for excellence
10 the project, this album shows Jones as a
sort of renai pster, combining her
many literary and musical influences into
something uniquely her own. The subtlety
and breadth of emotion here is rarely seen
in pop (or anywhere else, for that matter),
and it's all hugely listenable. Ghost Train, a
growl from the grave, is one of the most
terrifying songs about drug addiction
you'll ever hear, but she pulls out of it with
a voice both wise and optimistic (Love Is
Gonna Bring Us Back Alive). The remake
of Gerry and the Pacemakers’ Dom! Let the
Sun Catch You Crying captures the inno-
cent spirit of the original without nostalgia.

Not that there's anything wrong with
nostalgia if it's something fm sentimental
bout. Whatever it is about the tax la
that keeps record companies raiding their
vaults for reissues, I hope Congress doesn't
mess with it. My latest pick hit from the
Past is Groovies’ Greatest Grooves (Sire), by
the Flamin Groovies. Originating in бап
Francisco in the late Sixties, the Groovies
wore the same clothes and played the same
guitars and amplifiers as the Beatles, the
tones and the Byrds, but they wrote thei
f of the 24 cuts here
leave you scratching your head, trying to
figure out which of the carly Beatles al-
bums they're from.

DAVE MARSH

Over three albums, Full Force, the mem-
bers of the Bronx-based group that dou-
bles as ОТЕО., a production ensemble,
and as Cult Jam, Lisa Lisa's backup, have
established themselves as concept-album
auteurs. Opening with a sampled James
Brown exhortation, Smoove (Columbia)
defines its title, merging smooth soul bal-
lads, rock-hard hip-hop and Latin danc
grooves. The playing is often raw and oc-
casionally half-baked, but the raucous exu-
berance of Don't Waste My Time and the
band's droll accounts of life and love. espe
cially in between-song interludes, lend
Smoove the aspect of a good comic bool
And while these guys have yel to write a
great ballad, they acquit thems
derfully on a “mellow medley” that in-
cludes Ooh Baby Baby, La La Means 1 Love
You, Love оп а Two Way Street and a power-
ful snatch of Marvin Gaye's Distant Lover.
The result is a stew in which individual
flavors maintain thei
cent less of George Cli
Funkadelic, the archetype of postsoul
conceptualists, than of such comparatively

elves won-

Cowgirl hipster?

The retum of Rickie
Lee and Neil Young,
plus a new soul man.

minor Seventies treasures as Bloodstone.
Michael Huicheice, meanwhile, seems
to have been looking for a bolder, more
trenchant and politically explicit exposi
ion of INXS' modern rock, and on his solo
effort, Max Q (Atlantic), he has found i
Hutchences vocals unmistakably link the
two bands, but with his chief collaborator,
Australian punk Ollic Olsen (rather than
INXS’ gaggle of guitarists), he has pro-
duced music that’s spare and дооту with-
ош sacrificing polish or passion. On
WayOf TheWorld, they look squarely into
the face of an apocalypse that doesn't seem
terribly imaginary And even whe
Hutchence is moaning about the perils of
fame on Ghost of the Year, the energy
doesn't lag. Cant remember the last time 1
fel that forgiving of superstar self-pity.

VIC GARBARINI

You've conquered the Grammys, the
charts and much of the world via the
Amnesty 88 tour with just an acoustic gui-
tar and a voice laced with equal parts bi
terness and dignity: So what do you do for
"tore? If you're Tracy Chapman, new-
y anointed troubadour of the underclass,
you wear your crown uneasily. “All you
folks think you own my life,” she laments
on the title tune of her second album,
Crossroads (Elektra). “I'm trying to protect
what I keep inside. . . ." One momentarily
wonders whether Chapman is so wedded
to her pain that her dignity may be
swamped by her bitterness. The good

news is that whether she's singing about
her life and loves (Be Careful of My Heart)
or the world around her (Subcity), Chap-
man has begun to recognize that the glass
that's half-empty is also half-full. In the
former, she tclls her lost lover that, yes,
she's wounded, but she won't shut down her
heart—she'll just make sure that next time,
she “saves a little love for herself.” Mu:
ly, Crossroads is almost as spare as her de-
but. But brilliantly applied sweeteners (a
little rhythmic shuffle, subtly applied violin
or guitar), plus her improved melodic and
songwriting skills, result in a significantly
enriched and sophisticated endeavor.

NELSON GEORGE

One of the crucial differences between
elassic soul and much current black music
is that the vintage stuff was written for

stand-up comic, a writer director-per-
former of jingles and commercials and
a creator of cartoon-character voices.
Here he assesses Rickie Lee Jones's new
lying Cowboys.”

ones's voice has always been re-
and it’s getting even be
ter with age. And that's the central
theme of Fling Cowboys: а cele-
bration of growing older and bei
r. The tracks are

er for the w

ism fron
the central theme of aging. Even the
опе cover tune, an ace rendition of
Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying
ics in. Walter Becker from Steely
Dan produced this record, and I
think he has made Jones more acces-
sible than she has ever been. She's
married with a baby now, and she
seems truly happy on this LP—even
when she's looking her past square
in the eye. On the records mo:

inting track, Ghost Train. she says
that whatever your ghost is, get off
the train or you'll die. Jones made it
train, and Flying Cowboys
s all worth

adults. The difficulty of fidelity, the cheap
ng or the joys of a long-term
romance were а
retro muevo soul m
Brooklyn, knows thi
able dedication, n s rhythm-a
records steeped in the tradition. H
album, The Real Deal (London/Poly m),
is full of good old soul songs, cut with crisp
Nineties technology, that will please fans of
such tough-n-tender singe! Johnnie
Taylor, Tyrone Davis, Sam Moore and Ger-
ald Alston.

Sease, whe produced and penned ten of
the Il tracks, delights in scripting scenes
of sexual unrest and violated vows. On
Playing by the Rules, he complains to his
spouse, “I'm tired of waking up in the
morning, baby / Fixing my own breakfast /
While you stay out and party all night
long.”

In Motel Lover, he advises his fellow
adulterer, "Don't forget 10 set the clock,
girl /So we dont stay too long.” My favorite
Sease song is Its All Over, a sad tale of a
mother who stands between Sease and her
daughter. The kick is, he says, she's block-
ing because “your dirty momma wanted
me.” The Real Deal is a sharp, sinful soul
album worthy of its ancestors and your at-
tention.

n who

and, with unfashion-
d-blues

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Prolific yet selective, consistent yet un-
predictable and marketable enough to
defy biz convention, Neil Young was my
choice for artist of the decade ten years
ago—whereupon he turned into an errant
weirdo, pissing away hiis always precarious
commercial appeal while never ceasing to
turn out product. Devo rips, pseudo coun-
try, ersatz rock-a-billy, horny blues—he'd
half try anything once, and every two or
three years, Warner would announce that
Re-ac-tor or Old Ways or whatever marked
a return to glory. A decade passed. And
gucss who just turned in one of the prime
albums of its final year?

Recalling 19795 Rust Never Sleeps, his
last top-ten album, Freedom (Reprise), in its
scope and power, mixes the folkish love
songs and crude rock stomps that have al-
ways been his winning parlay—but not to
the exclusion of horns, bells, female back-
up, mariachi ellects and other accouter-
ments. Yet it's not scattered—once you
hear past its surface simplicity, you realize
that this record is, of all things, well pro-
duced, which for Young is utter apostasy:
It's more pretty than not, yet it's his most
nful record since After the Gold Rush,
angriest since Tonight's the Night. And
while his regrets and rage have their roots
i i l апа existential com-
laints, a new theme keeps coming up—
. which he hates more than he ever
ted heroin. I know, everybody hates
k—but hardly anybody has made
songs out of the feeling. There's nota bum
one here.

FAST TRACKS

OCK

[| essen ern teg D reo

METER

Young

Tracy Chapman |
Crossroads

Full Force |
Smoove

ickie Lee Jones

Flying Cowboys

The Real Deal

Neil Young
Freedom

о | јо jm о

|
Marvin Sease |
|

8
7i
6
8
7

NX ja jo јо [o

|
|
|
|

о |o |ы |o
о |ә |o |w jo

SAVE YOUR CONFEDERATE MONEY DEPART-
MENT: We don't know which of these sto-
ies is crazier, so well let you choos
First, the University of South Carolina's
athletic director nixed à Stenes concert.
on campus because one thing leads to
another, and if he let Mick et al. in, he'd
have to OK tractor pulls. Say what?
Then we heard that marching bands
are not permitted to play Louie, Louie
at football games because the universi
lys insurance stipulates against the
song! Why? Because it makes people
dance, which might damage the stadi-
is structure. Now we know why the
Southland gave birth to the blues.
REEUNG AND ROCKING: Look for a per-
formance of Slaughterhouse by Power
med in the upcoming Devid lynch movie
Wild at Heart, starving Laure Dern and
Nicolas Cage. . . . Bono will contribute at
least one song to The Field, starving
John Hurt, Tom Berenger and Richard Har-
ris. . . . Andrew Loyd Webber is trying to
get his Cats, Phantom of the Opera and
Aspects of Love on the big screen and is
also planning to write a film musical.
NEWSBREAKS: A couple of upcom
books about Motown include a coflee-
table volume filled with 250 photos,
due next fall, and Love Don't Live Here
Anymore, a book by Berry Gordy's ex-wife
number two that we hear will dish
some major dirt. Gordy has his own
deal to write his autobiography and
he'd beuer get moving. . .. lwo Buddy
Holly concerts are being planned this
year at the site ın Clear Lake, lowa,
e 30
multimil-

ago...
lion-dollar project to cle
ronment
John's “зр

have promised to participate by т
ing money through concerts,
records, art and children’s book:
Yoko. ... A play inspired by tke and Tina

Tumer, / Think Hs Gonna Work Out Fine,
has opened in San Francisco. ... Look
for the Grammy awards on February 21
coming from L.A... . A reorganized
AIDS concert on Saint Patricks Day
will be Arista Records 15th anniver-
sary gala to benefit the Gay Men's
Health Crisis and the National AIDS
Network. For those people who won't be
in New York to see Whitney Houston, Eu-
tythmics, Hall and Oates, Kenny б, Exposé
and a host of others perform at the con-
cert, plans call for a TV broadcast of
the event... . You can sign up for Video
Music 454 at California State in Los
Angeles or Pocts Who Sing (included
are Bobs, Marley and Dylan) at Washing-
ton University in St. Louis... A 19-
album series called the Jimi Hendrix
Reference Library will feature mostly
unreleased material. Each volume will
include an instruction book for guitar
pl: - .. Martika and Cyndi Lauper sing
a duet called Cold Sky on the Music
Speaks Louder than Words album com-
piled at the Russian/American music
summ Bobby Brown may play a
special concert at the pri ү!
James Brown is serving his si s
A boxed set of old Phil Spector
ics will be out this spring on Phil's
own new label, Spector Records. . . .
The Doors have a home video and a
boxed record set in the works that will
be released about the time director
Oliver Stone completes his movie bio of
Jim Morrison. . . . For music of a totally
different kind, check out your record
store lor Canadian clas

even bet
drummer for Sweet ҒА, ran into a ma-
jor du iving along in
Kansas and collided with a cow. Yes, you
heard right. The cow, which ripped the
roof off уз pickup and tore a hole
in his leg, is still missing.

BARBARA NELLIS

ByBRUCEWILLIAMSON

SPECTACULARLY filmed across half of France,
Milos Formar's Valmont (Orion) tells the
same classical story as Stephen Frears'
Dangerous Liaisons. In this case, with
1988's Liaisons still hopping off video-store
shelves, odious comparisons are inevitable.
Forman's younger, talented, less familiar
cast seems almost to blunder into deca-
dence. Theres nary a trace of Glenn
Closes cruelly calculating Marquise de
Merteuil in movie newcomer Annette Ben-
g's arch portrayal and scant evidence of
Michelle Pfeiffer's pious sexual repression
as Madame de Tourvel in Meg Tilly's
gawky performance as the virtuous wife
who cannot resist Valmont (Colin Firth).
Firth slips easily into the britches of the ir-
resistible seducer played by Liaisons’ John
Malkovich. Stressing the accent on youth,
Henry Thomas (Е.775 best friend) scores
as the handsome, postpubescent music
teacher, though his teenaged ladylove, the
mocent Cecile, played by 15-year-old
Fairuza Balk, is decidedly no Uma Thur-
man. As Valmonts dotty old aunt, Fabia
Drake is the most accomplished performer
of the lot. The film is also oddly nonerotic:
Even in her bath, the шага wears a
wrapper. But Forman and cinematogra-
pher Miroslav Ondricek have re-created
18th Century France gorgeously, from
cloister to chateau, from sun-dappled
countryside to busy market place, from
ngy tavern to the glittering Opéra
Comique. Check out Liaisons if i's etched-
in-acid characterization youre after. To
revel with sumptuously costumed star-
crossed youth in an elegant, two-hour plus
visual feast, see Valmont. www
.

As gentle as a spring showcr, Driving Miss
Daisy (Warner) boasts matchless perform-
ances by Jessica Tandy and Morgan Free-
man. Much of Alfred Uhrys Pulitzer
Prize-winning play took place on two
chairs representing the various vintage
automobiles in which a rich Jewish lady
from Atlanta is reluctantly squired around
town by her black chauffeur over a period
of 20-odd years, Director Bruce (Breaker
Morant) Beresford opens up the play with-
out strain, eliciting slyly satirical work
from Dan Aykroyd and Patti LuPone as
Miss Daisy's son and daughter-in-law, who
overindulge in such non-Jewish cere-
monies as a jolly, jolly Christmas. All the
plays implications regarding racial har-
mony and friendship are more implied
than socked across, however, because
‘Tandy, as the indomitable Miss Daisy, and
Freeman, as the proud, cunning Hoke, are
both masters of the art of understate-
ment. ‘Together a joy to watch, they lift

Valmonts Bening, Firth.

Valmont revisits Liaisons
country; a winning Daisy
and a dull Knife.

a quiet little film about love into the
stratosphere. ¥¥¥¥
P

Grab a kid if you need an excuse to see
The Little Mermaid (Buena Vista), the ani-
mated musical very loosely based on Hans
Christi Andersens fairy tale. Alan
Merken's score, notably the steel-band shell
game that backs up a crab. ned Sebas-
tian (Samuel E. Wright) in a ditty called
Under the Sea, will have you whistling yo
way out of the theater. But you may ne
eat seafood again. YYYY

France's contender for this year's Oscar
as best foreign-language film, Camille
Claudel (Orion Classics), also won best-ac-
tress awards in Paris and Berlin for Isa-
belle Adjani. Its a harrowing portrayal of
the famed, demented sculpiress who was
the sister of poct-playwright Paul Claudel
and the discarded mistress of sculptor
Auguste Rodin (the ubiquitous Gerard De-
pardieu in another take-charge perform-
nce). Adjani is vibrant, though perhaps a
shade 100 beautiful to be consistently be-
lievable as the miserable Camille. At her
n who could
into something chic and be-
come the toast of Paris. Director Bruno
Nuytien’s saga is colorful, but it play
sudsy, old-fashioned melodrama
haul unless you happen to be m
art history at the Sorbonne. ЖУ

The movie is nearly over before the title

Music Box (lriStar) makes any sense.

worst, she looks like a wom:

vash up. sli

T herein hide the clues, though, to director
Costa-Gavras' suspenseful, chilling drama
about a young Chicago lawyer (Jessica
Lange) who's forced to defend her imm
grant working-class father (Armin
Mueller-Stahl) against charges that he
was a Hungarian war criminal back in
1944-1945. In the hard-hitting, som
heavy-handed screenplay by Joe Eszt
(who wrote Jagged Edge), Mucller-Sahl's
guilt often seems a foregone conclusion.
‘That slows down the film but cannot derail
Lange's dogged, tortured efforts to save a
man she loves despite anything he may
have done before she was born. Frederic
Forrest plays the prosecutor who yearns
for official jı e, though relationshi
with Lange between their courtroom con-
frontations doesn't entirely make sense.
Still, Music Bex is an emotional blockbuster
with a bone-deep, bruising star turn by
Lange. ууу

about Limit Up
) a mishmash of Working Girl
and Faust, is stand-up comedienne Danitra
Vances portrayal of Nike, a mischievous
demon in training. (Runner-up: Ray
Charles, ina gig with a twist.) Nancy Allen
tries hard as an aspiring soybean trader at
the Midwest Exchange (read:
Chicago Bo: айе), but writer-direc-
tor Richard Martini's script is a bust. ¥¥
.

With Roger Daltrey singing the title
song, nor to mention Raul Julia, opera
Julia Migenes and Julie Walters in major
roles, Mack the Knife (lst Century) ought to
be a much better movie than The tal-
ents assembled are first-rate, while nearly
everything else about producer-director
Menahem laws rehash of the Bertolt
Brecht- Kurt Weill musical classi
Threepenny Opera is literal, overlong and
clunky, The voices ring, the performers
slave valiantly and Golan pulls the rug out
from under them every time. vy

Fairly dripping with nostalgia for ıhe
movie magic of yesteryear, Cinema Paradiso
(Miramax) is a valentine to innocence and
a lifelong addiction to flicks. In Italian with
subtitles, writer-director Giuseppe Torna-
tores charming but overlong comedy fol-
lows a ragazzo named Toto through
adolescence and manhood, with three ac-
tors essaying the role (Salvatore Casio
the youngest and most winsome Toto). He's
a kid who hangs around the only movi
his village, befriending the crusty
projectionist (Philippe Noiret) and later
replacing him when he's blinded in a fi
Toto thereby learns what's important for la
dolce vila directly off the screen from
Fellini, John Wayne, Brigitte Bardot and

== Afterall,
=> ff smoking isn't a pleasure,

why bother?

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

. He learns some of it by working
every

their i
with the local priest who preview:

Bergin: Burton to Beelzebub.

OFF CAMERA

If showbiz insiders have it right,
Irish-born 38-year-old Patrick Bergin
is about to make it big in movies
playing Richard Burton. No, not
that Richard Burton. Bergin will

soon be seen in Mountains of the
Moon as the famed Victorian ex-
plorer and dedicated eroticist Sir
Richard Burton, whose exploits
cluded searching for the source of
the Nile, In the movie, directed by

Bob Rafelson, Bui s chief inter-
ests converge in a scene on a river-
bank, where he is discovered

cavorting with nude native women.
“They were girls from Kenya, gor-
geous and very says
Bergin. “I wish there'd been more
of that in the film, but the Ке
dont approve of nudity" A fori
choir singer, construction. workei
and teacher, Bergin relishes por-
traying a man “who translated The
Arabian Nights, The Kama Sutra and
The Perfumed Gardens . . al those
explorations of the art of love. I was
ated with his work. My dad
had copies of all his banned books.
Obviously, Burton liked trying all
the positions. He was supposed to be
an incredibly well-endowed man,
and the number of women he had
was legendary” Mountains is macho
adventure, says Bergin, “with a hint
of homosexuality. There's strong ev-
idence that Speke [lain Glen as John
Hanning Speke, Burton's partner]
was homosexual. But we dont state
everything. That's the beauty of it.”
Next on Bergin's schedule: He's off
to Phoenix to play Beclzebub in a
Twilight Zonish thriller. currently
called Highway to Hell, and he'd like
to do a musical he has written. “Its
about a boy and a girl in Dublin, and
I have hopes for it. Nowadays, they
make musicals out of Tupperware
parties.”

feature and ruthlessly cuts all the kissing

scenes. While Cinema Paradiso may be

much too much of a good thing for the or-

dinary customer, dichard film buffs should

gobble it up like hot buttered popcorn. vvv
.

A pair of terminal-ward cases who steal
an ambulance and leave England for а
final Ring in a Dutch brothel before they
Ше are the unlikely heroes of Hawks
(Skouras). To make а dubious business
more dubious, they occasionally put on
clownlike rubber noses and more or less
defy fate. Getting away with such sem
cious black comedy can't be easy, so give
credit to Timothy Dalton (the most recent
James Bond) as a doomed British solicitor
and to Anthony Edwards (Т
flying buddy in Top Gun) as an American
football player whose time has run out.
Both do well as do Janet Mcleer and
Camille Coduri, playing two relatively
unattractive English bimbettes en route to
Amsterdam. Ivs one of those gather
rosebuds-while-ye-may and smile
through-your-tears movies, the s
stretching exercise actors undertake when
they have nothing better to do. vv

Something must be said for a man who
describes the outer-space beings he has
met as “little blue fuckers . . . 1 didn't want
a rectal probe.” Is he a creep, a clairvoyant
or merely a mental case? Such questions
are weighed and seriously considered in
director Philippe Mora's Communion (New
Line), adapted by Whitley Suieber fror
hot-selling book about his personal ex-

ls. As Whitley
irtually con-
band has gone bananas,
Christopher Walken and Lindsay Crow:
limn a persuasively rcal portrait of ord
nary people caught up in very special
cumstances. Don't look to Communion for
the high-tech cinematic pizzazz of Close
Encounters of the Third Kind. Except for a
few minor lapses (as usual, when the ЕЛ5
appear) this is an honest, searching
thriller rooted in the cosmic mysteries that
everyone broods about at times. ¥¥¥

-yc-

.
A 20-minute Monty Python comedy
sketch might have been sufficient for Erik

the Viking (Orion), a spoof of Norse legends
by former Python Terry Jones. As write:
director and featured player (he's in drag
as King Arnulf of Hy-Bi island that
will sink beneath the si nyone sheds
blood on it), Jones achieves moments of
madcap nonsense without the cohesiveness
and forward drive that bring fragments in-
to focus as a whole movie. With Tim Rob-
bins in the title role, projecting more dumb
innocence than style, Eartha Kitt as the
goddess Freya and John Cleese playing a
casually cruel villain known as Halfdan
the Black, Erik the Viking combines sump-
tuous production values with fairy-tale
nocence and a loosely improvised ai
unlikelv to attract anyone whos not al-
ready addicted to Pythonesque japery. ¥¥

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

The Bear (Reviewed 12/89) Wild, woolly

and real in a hairy outdoor drama, yvy
Breaking In (11/89) It’s a brand-new Bı
Reynolds as an aging burglar. wy
Camille Claudel (Sec review) An all-Ad-
jani, all-angst portrait of an artist. vv
Cinema Paradiso (See review) What the
movies do to a Sicilian village. wy
Communion (See review) Alien visita-
tions, strictly according to Strieber, yvy
Crimes ond Misdemeanors (1/90) Biblical
guilt and marital comedy in Woody Al-
len's Swedish-modern manner. ws
Ded (1/90) Jack Lemmon can do no
wrong, but the movie sags. P"
Dri Miss Әсізу (See review) Both
Tandy and Freeman are fabulous. wwwx
A Dry White Season (12/89) Sutherland
and Brando ws. apartheid. vu
Erik the Viking (See review) Norse legend
from a Python РОМ. 3
The Fabulous Baker Boys (1/90) But it’s
Pfeiffer you'll remember. wy
Fat Man and Little Boy (1/90) Those nu-
clear bombs, plus Paul Newman. ¥¥¥
Gross Anatomy (Listed only) Realistic
look at med school as pressure cooker.
but cadaver carving is not for the

squeamish. wh
Hawks (Sce review) A couple of termi-
nal cases soar while they can. YY

Henry V (1/90) Who would dare remake
the Shakespearean classic? Kenneth
Branagh, and he's damned good. vvv V
Limit Up (See review) Working Girl goes
to the Devil in Chicago. vi
The Little Mermoid (Sce review) Ander
sen on the half shell. as only Disney can
dish it up. wy
Mock the Knife (See review) Nice music
making, poor moviemaking. К
Music Box (See review) Strong subject,
with Lange on a roll. ww
My Left Foot (12/89) Portrait of an Irish
genius, with Daniel Day-Lewis in one of
the year's top male performances. ¥¥¥¥
Mystery Train (1/90) Director Jim Jar-
muschs minimal movie art about а
bunch of Elvis fans in transit Y
sex, lies, and videotope (9/89) Modern ro-
mance on fast forward. Go for it. wxx
Steel Magnolias (1/90) Ladies letting
their hair down in a big, big way. ve
Story of Women (1/90) In wartime
France, Isabelle Huppert is the last con-
demned abort 5 win
Tom Jones (1/90) That roving cad (Al-
bert Finney) in reissue, with a mi
velous company of rowdics. йа
True Love (11/89) Marr the Bronx,
neatly skewered ina wry spoof. — vvv
Valmont (Sec review) Great less
filling. wm

Yivi Outstanding
¥¥¥¥ Don't miss YY Worth a look
¥¥¥ Good show ¥ Forget it

ж Original hits by
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1965—What a year it was! Sonny and Cher stun
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41 Got You Babe Sonny and Cher
* The Tracks of My Tears
‘Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
* Wooly Bully Sam the Sham and
the Pharaohs
* A Lover's Concerto The Toys
* Hang On Sloopy The McCoys
* Help Me, Rhonda The Beach Boys
+ You've Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’
The Righteous Brothers
* Just a Little The Beau Brummels
* Back in My Arms Again

* For Your Love ‘The Yardbirds
* Shotgun Junior Walker and the
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* Liar, Liar The Castaways
+ Baby, I'm Yours Barbara Lewis
* Heart Full of Soul The Yardbirds
* Down in the Boondocks
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+ 1 Can't Help Myself The Four Tops

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VIDEO

GUEST SHUT

“My favorite video of all
time is The Best of Ed-
die Murphy—Saturday
Night Live” says Dr.
Joyce Brothers. “1 think
he’s so funny, but the
real reason is that Im
A in it—in the Celebrity
- Hot Tub scene. Edtie
plays James Brown and I'm his guest” If the
psychologist-author's top video choice comes as
a surprise to you, get ready for this: Her other
faves include Fatal Attraction and Death Wish. “1
like movies that change the culture in some
way,” she explains, “movies that mirror or affect
behavior." Hmm, Dr. B., would you like to talk
about it? EE I

VIDEO SLEEPERS

good movies that crept out of town

The Entertainer: From a play by John Os-
borne, one of the late, great Laurence
Oliviers non-Shakespearean triumphs.
Lord О. sings, dances and won апше аза
sleazy vaudevillian. New to vi
Sugar Cane Alley: Ех 984 це about

an orphan boy's coming of age on a sugar
plantation in Martinique. Buried treasure
from director Euzhan (A Dry White Sea-
son) Paley.
Will Penny: One of the last great, gritty
Westerns (vintage '68), with Charlton Hes-
ton asa lone cowboy hunted down and hid-
ing out in the wilderness with an anxious
young widow ( Joan Hackett).

BRUCE WILLIAMSON

THANKS FOR REMINDING US

we must remember this?

With the Nineties upon us, MPL Home
Video wants to make sure we don't forget
decades past with a М-раг series, The
Greatest Television News Stories of All Time,
а replay of some of ABC-TV's biggest
scoops, reported as they were happening.

Busiest Story: Day 443 of the Iran hostage
nal one), complete with
footage of Jimmy Carter's last hours in the
Oval Office, Reagan moving in and Henry
Kissinger as the Beaver (Part Four).
Saddest Story: T he space shuttle Challenger
disaster. Includes NASAS under-
a major malfunc
shots of distr
spectators and Reagan's moving memorial
speech (Part Six).

When Harry Met
Sally... : Billy
Crystal ond Meg
Ryan in the ulti-
mote boy-meets-
girl-but-doosn’t-
sleep-with-her-
for-c-whole-dec
оде comedy. With or without the orgasm

scene, onother real chormer from red-hot
director Rob Reiner (Nelson).

WITH YOUR SPUNKY VALENTINE

The Rainbow:
English schoolgirl
comes of oge—
fost—with her
female teoches, с
perverse pointer
and o lusty sol-
dier. Pretty tome.
stuff for director Ken Russell, but Sommi
(Hope ond Glory) Dovis sizzles ond Glen-
da Jackson shines. (Vestron).

Happiest Story: The only uplifting tape of

er provoking cautious opt
West. Put this one on when you're feeling
suicidal about the universe (Part 11).

The Unending Story: Checking in on lran
and Libya (just in case you were feel
hopeful about Gorby). Major theme: The
world contains 40,000,000 Shiite Moslems,
most of whom don't like us (Parts Three,
Ten and 14)

Most Catastrophic Stories:
mud slides. Heat waves
Earthquakes and vol
and cyclones. The running subtext: Don't
piss off mother nature (Part 13).

Other Cherished Moments: Peter Jennings in-
terviews Anwar Sadat—two great minds,
two really bad haircuts (Part One); science
meets journalism meets commerce when
Jules Bergman, covering the 1969 moon
launch, sits behind a news desk embla-
zoned with a big orange ‘Tang logo (Part
Two), Nixon comments on whether or not
his alleged Water; offenses were im-
peachable: “Well, Гуе also quit beating my
wife. Heh” (Part Eight)
(lo order, call MPI, 800-:

38-7710.)
— DAVID LEFKOWITZ

VIDEOSYNCRASIES

Paris 1989: Footage from the '89 Par
show, induding the crash of the Soviet
MiG-29 (pilot survives), as well as cockpit
views of an F-I6 pulling

ree turn and a vertical climb (Avi

mputer-animat-
y Gary Owens.

four inflatable dinosaurs (Blackhawk Cata-
log, 800-826-2295).
Notional Geographic Journeys:

From the
age to a
still the

dozen fantasy 10 choose from

(Vestron).

ШЕШЕ

Least Intimate Video: Kumbha Mela: Fifteen
Million People Gather for Hindu Spiritual Fes-
tival; Best Video Digest: A Three Thousand Year
History of Pornography, Volume One; Best We-

Don't-Even-Wanna-Know Video: Buglin Big
Bulls, Best Thrill-a-Minute Video: Pants That
Fit, Even Briefer Thrills: Warren Millers Exer-
cise Shorts; Favorite Video Yuks: Films of Bar-
bara Hammer, Volume Two: Lesbian Humor;
Best It's-a-Living Video: The Care and Tweak-
ing of the Three Tube Camera.

Me and Called Im se
As

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CHOOSE ANY SIX MOVIES

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А А Г en e

By DIGBY DIEHL

GoRE vibAL is, by far, our most talented
fictional interpreter of American history.
In five previous novels (Burr. Lincoln,
1876, Empire and Washington, D.C.), he ex-
plored eras in the growth of our nation
from its 18th Century origins to the incep-
tion of the 20th Century. With Hollywood
(Random House), subtitled “A Novel of
America in the 1920s,” he brings his
chronicle into the modern age of world
wars and mass media. This book is Vidal's
most powerful and entertai g yet, be-
cause his themes—the vi of the
American spirit, the corruption of political
power, the imprint of personalities on his-
tory and the divine comedy of great
cvents—are played out in settings easily
identified by the contemporary reader.

Caroline Sanford, the fictional heiress
who was the captivating central character
in Empire, is also the focus of this new nov-
el. Vidal's most fascinating creation since
Myra Breckinridge takes a cue from
William Randolph Hearst's interest in the
movies and gocs to act in an anti-German
propaganda silent in Hollywood under the
nom de cinéma of Emma Trax! entual-
ly she ends up producing films and finding
herself attracted to the ill-fated director
William Desmond Taylor. In Hollywood,
Caroline embraces a new kind of Аше
can power center

“Movies were not there si aply to reflect
life or tell stories but to c n their own
autonomous way and to look, as it were,
back at those who made them and watched.
them. They had used the movies success-
fully to demonize national enemies. Now
why not usc them to alter the viewer's per-
ception of himself and the world? Thus,
she would be able to outdo Hearst at last.”

Meanwhile, back in Washington, Vidal's
characters scramble in ethical and political
turmoil as Woodrow Wilson draws ou
lationist country into World War Oi
hibition kicks off the Roaring Twenties and
Warren C. Harding presides over а cor-
rupt Administration. We experience these
moments in history not on the Senate floor
ог on the White House steps but in draw-
ing rooms and at dinner parties where the
participants in these great events step off
stage and reveal the motivations and
machinations behind the scenes.

Vidal's engaged, opinionated interpre-
tations of historical events distinguish him
from traditional historical novel most
of wham use history as a colorful backdrop
for soap-opera stories. He breathes viv
reality into names from the past—Wilson,
Harding, Hearst, Taylor, Eleanor Roos
velt, Charlie Chaplin, Alice Longworth
and others—and brings them alive in our
imaginations. In Hollywood, he imagines a
truth that is dazzlingly connected, funny,
insightful and altogether enthralling.

Hooray for Hollywood . . . and Washington.

Gore Vidal's America marches
on; a double tribute
to Jackson Pollock.

Тһе nonfiction truth laid out in Jackson
Pollack (Clarkson N. Potter), by Steven
Naifeh and Gregory White Smith, is, in
contrast, grim and troubling. This huge,
944-page biography of a man hailed by art
critics as one of the greatest American
painters is the study of a tormented, self-
destructive alcoholic. What makes the dark
journey through his life well worth the
effort is that Pollock was the center of the
abstract-expressionist movement in
ing, and this relentlessly thorough biogra-
phy illuminates decades of development
in the avant-garde art scene. Inadvertently,
it s credence to Tom Wolfe's essay The
Painted Word by detailing the maneuver-
ing of Pollock's art dealer, Peggy Guggen-
heim, and the theoretical duels of critics
Clement Greenberg and Harold Rosen-
berg
The necessary companion volume to so
any words about an artist is a gorgeous
picture book, Jackson Pollock (Abrams),
which includes more than 100 of his
ings reproduced in five-color printing and
a knowledgeable text by Ellen Landau.

It is a healthy sign for both the men who
fought the war and the nation in рег
that many accounts of Vietnam experi-
ences and their aftermaths are being pub-
lished. The most eloquent and sensitive of
these in early 1990 is Michael Norman's
These Good Men (Crown), subtitled “Friend-
ships Forged from War.” In the spring of
1984, Norman was seized by a deep rest-
lessness, despite a happy family life and ca-
reer. He realized that he had to deal with

his memories of a traumatic battle in 1968
at Bridge 28 alongside the Quang Tri River
in Vietnam, after which only half of the
110 men of Golf Company, Second Battal-
ion, Ninth Marines were able to walk away.
Starting with a list of 11 men, Norman set
ош ona journey of more than 30.000 miles
and five years to confront that war experi-
ence. His personal memoir of that journey
and the moving stories of the men with
whom he was reunited make this book an
inspiring testament to the healing power
of love and friendship.

Another Vietnam memoir of a more
difficult healing is Rod Капез Veteran's Day
(Orion). Writing with stream-of-conscious-
ness urgency, Kane relives his combat ex-
periences as an Army airborne medic and
the long, hard plunge through alcohol and
drug abuse back into an American society
he hardly recognizes. Капез angry and
sometimes incoherent struggle is punctu-
ated by memories of men calling, “Doc,
Tm hit"; “Doc, over here”; “Doc, how ‘bout
this guy?”; "Doc, help me, help me.” Alter-
nately terrifying, hilarious and heart-
breaking, this book takes you into the head
of a vet more startlingly and immediately
than anything else I have read.

For yet another view of Vietnam, read
Where the Orange Blooms (McGraw-Hill), by
“Thomas Taylor. Its the phenomenal
odyssey of Ben Cai Lam, who escaped
from Mao's China in 1949 only to end up
fighting in Vietnam with the 10151 Air-
borne Division from 1965 until the US.
troops left in 1971. He continued to fight i
the South Vietnamese Army until they
surrendered to the North Vietnamese, and
he spent five horrible years in a “re-educa-
tion camp.” After 17 attempts, he escaped
from Vietnam and eventually made his
way to Dillon, Montana. This is an extraor-
nary story of courage and survival.
Finally, the poet laureate of Baghdad by
the Bay has written what purports to be an
eccentric guidebook to the town (before
the earthquake, of course) but is actually
an excellent collection of bittersweet short
stories. Herbert Gold's Travels in San Fron-
cisco (Arcade) is filled with poignant and
funny vignettes, perfect slices of Northern

California life to be sipped thoughtfully,
like Buena Vista Café Irish coffee.

BOOK BAG

_ Temporary Sojourner (Fireside), by Tony
riveting collection of memories,
observations and comment. Stories about
the author's South African childhood
Searching for Robert Johnson (Dutton), by
Peter Guralnick: The story that Johnson,
the king of the Delta blues singers, sold
his soul to the Devil in exchange lor
fame—whether true or false—is conjec-
ture enough to n

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MEN

his column is dedicated 1 every di-
I vorced father who has lost custody
of his children after he sued for it. You will
sce that it speaks to а very dark fantasy
that many of us have shared.

When a father loses custody of his chil-
dren in divorce court, he feels as if they
have been kidnaped. No matter how soft-
spoken the judge or how slick the lawyers,
it is a traumatic moment. Strangers come
into the father's life and take his children
away. Worse, these same strangers award
custody of his children to his ex-
a woman he probably does not trust
anymore. Ло the caring father, that is a
violent action.

Every father knows that the numbers
are stacked against him when he enters the
divorce/child-custody process. Fewer than
three percent of all children in the United
States live with their fathers only (while
214 percent live with their mothers only
and three percent live with neither par-
ent). On the face of it. these numbers
prove that the disenfranchised father is a
common character on the American scene
The day inevitably comes when the di-
vorced father has to say goodbye to hi
kids, That is a day of maximum pain. As I
turned Jim and Brendan over to my ex-
wife's custody, I felt angry and gypped (to
put it mildly), and 1 was desperately wor-
ried about their future. How well would
my boys fare without me? What would they
think of my absence? I knew that I was
' in every way to have at least joint
custody of my children; I knew that 1 de-
served equal treatment under the law but
had not gotten it; 1 knew that I жаза good
father who spent a lot of time with his k

nd who loved them totally. But there they

were, leaving my life for all but a few weeks
a year (if visitation were honorably en-
forced), and it hurt like hell.

I gave my boys one last hug, and as I
walked away from them, I felt as though I
1 just lost every culinity
Lever had. I couldn't protect my kids? 1
ve a right to live with them?
Then, by definition, I was not a man. The
1 father occurred to me
I was in the middle of a certain
nd I had just lost the
biggest fight of my life. ] was ashamed of
my fears and ashamed of my loss.

‘As the years went by, things got worse.
Internally, | was struggling with a darl
s that almost overwhelmed me. It was
Thad watched a kidnaper haul my two

By ASA BABER

THE VINEYARDS
OF VENGEANCE

boys into acar at gunpoint and speed away
with them—and I had stood there and al-
lowed it to happen. Born and trained for
action, filled with the need to protect my
sons, I had peaceably surrendered them to
the system that had screwed me.

There were times when my self-image
was so distorted that I was close to self-de-
struction. 1 raged inwardly at the injustice
of the situation, but 1 still tried to be a
good father from wful distance. I paid
more than my share of child support,
wrote to my children and called them of-

ten, visited with them whenever I could,
endured va

ious disruptions of communi-
m the other side, and still the
pain of the loss stayed in my psyche like a
chunk of hot shrapnel.

Somewhere in the lower depths of t
terrible time, I had a thought. “They were
kidnaped from me,” I said to myself, “so
VII just kidnap them back.” That idea took
hold of me and became my favorite fa
зу. Having been dealt with unfairly by the
courts, having my rights as a father
dismissed іп a cavalier fashion, having my
children raised in ways that I could not tol-
erate, I saw no way out of my pain other
than revenge.

The fantasy grew: I would show up in
their town, tell them to hop into the car,
and away we would go, The Three Musket-
vers united again and forever, wrestling

nd singing, laughing and joking. "Why

not do it?" 1 kept asking myself. No one
could execute a kidnaping faster or more
efficiently than 1 could; no one could di
appear more professionally if need be. Aft-
er all, 1 reasoned, the three of us dese
to be together after so many years of cruel

and unnatural separation. In one drama
moment, I could redress my grievances,

wife that I could not be muscled and er
sure the safety of my boys. Such a deal!

Indeed, that is a common fantasy for
many divorced fathers, it turns out. After
talks with hundreds of men about this ex-
perience, I know that many of us go
through the same cyde of fantasized
vengeance. There are some of you out
there who, as you r E
“All right, Ace, Im going to go get my kids
right now!

I understand your eagerness. But don't
do it. That eagerness is misplaced and that
fantasy could be destructive to your chil-
dren. Don't act on it. That's the message for
today, as tough as it is for me to write it and
you to absorb it. Don't bring even more vio-
lence and dislocation into your children's
lives. Take the pain and deal with it on your
own. That is your job as a man. Stay in
touch with your kids, shield them from
your sadness and be a great father to them
you get the ch:
and 1 have consumed the same bit-
grapes, but we should remember
Jeremiah’s lamentation. “The fathers have
eaten a sour grape, and the children's teeth
are set on edge,” he wrote. Think about it

IL is our job as men to eat our share of
the sour grapes of divorce and not pass
them on to our children. Once the court
has made its decision, it is our job to take а
dive, to get fucked, to lose. Maybe one day
we can get justice in the legal system. May
be one day fathers will not be dismissible
evidence. We should fight for that. But our
children should not be fodder in that fight.

My sons eventually came back to live
with me, and the courts had nothing to do
with it. It was a natural progression. The
grape I had eaten was poisonous and sour,
but I lived. And every grape 1 ate was опе
grape they didn't have to deal with.

You there, you good man with an in
tense love for your children, don't turn
kidnaper. If you remain constant with
your kids, they vill figure it out. Listen to
Jeremiah instead of that voice inside you
and you and your children will thrive!
Sooner or later, you'll be united again.

ter

Introducing new ESCORT and sel powered SOLO

The new ESCORT:
Incredible performance

в
А Cincinnati Microwave, we've continuously
advanced the science of radar warning since we
introduced the original ESCORT in 1978.

But we've never stopped striving for another
quantum leap. And now we've found it: DSP

Incredible technology

DSP is Digital Signal Processing, a technology
virtually unheard of in personal electronics, but
used in many exotic electronic devices.

DSP is used by NASA to create detailed space
photos from blurry images. It's used to deliver
sharp images from medical scanners. And now
were using DSP to find radar signals too weak to
be detected by conventional technology

How it works

The new Е5СОКТ 8 DSP circuitry samples
incoming radar signals 50.000 times a second.
slicing them into discrete bits of infor-

mation. This data is then digitized and
continuously analyzed by ал internal
computer. The end result is incredible

The hart of ESCORTS DSP corny i бё
20 MEE 34 ht COS process a stum
Terson of be Motorola DSP 50000

Breakthrough performance

New ESCORT provides an incredible increase
in sensitivity on both bands. Quite simply, this
means that the new ESCORT picks up radar
signals much further away than ever before posible
AIL this in an incredibly compact package, only
X" high and 34" wide. The science of radar
warning will never be the same

The right stuff
New ESCORT and SOLO have all of the advanced
features we pioneered with ESCORT and PASSFORT.
Variable rate audio, with different tones for X and
K bands, Alert amp. ten-segment meter, Dark mode,
and a Mute switch with a new Auto- Mute function.
Abattery-swver even turns SOLO off if vou forget.

Bad news for thieves:

А new security system in new ESCORT and
‘SOLO makes them of little use to anyone
but the rightful owner. Here's how it works:

The system is fully automatic, and easy
touse. Included with your new radar detector
is a tiny electronic "Digital Key"" to put on
your key ring (see the main photo above and
the cutaway below).

айтат of Digital Key

About every two months, your radar
delector's circuitry will prompt you to insert.
your Digital Key into a small jack on your
detector, and turn your detector on. Alter
confirming that you used the right Digital
Key, your radar detector will reset its lock
and will be ready for two more months of
use. That's all there is to it,

However, for someone who doesn't have
the right key (and there are thousands of
different Digital Keys), the radar detector
simply won't work. And needless to say,
there's little economic incentive for a thief
to steal your radar detector if he can'tsellit.
And if a stolen ESCORT or SOLO is ever
returned to our factory for service, we'll
immediately contact you (if you have reported
the theft to us).

Although nothing is totally "theft-proofz"
ош new Digital Key security system will
help keep your new ESCORT or SOLO yours.

Everything included

Both new ESCORT and SOLO come complete
with leather case, visor clip, windshield mount,
and comprehensive owners manual. ESCORT
includes power cords (straight, coiled, and direct
wire), while SOLO includes both lithium and
alkaline 9 volt batteries and a travel case.

SOLO: A new kind of radar detector —
No power cord

.
Ir you're а business traveler, always switching
between cars and using rentals in distant cities,
vou need the most convenient radar detector
possible. But radar detectors have always heen less
than ideal for traveling. Until now.
Revolutionary convenience.

After two vears of development, we re introducing

SOLO, the first sel powered superheterodyne radar
detector. You just mount it on vour visor or
windshield and turn it on. Its that simple.
SOLO doesnt need a power cord. recharger. or
add-on battery pack. Its remarkable design uses
only 2% of the power of a conventional radar
detector. As a result, SOLO operates about 200
hours on a single 9 Volt lithium battery (ог 80
hours on a standard alkaline)

Hours of Daily Usage

ON, aa ED 213
Approimare Battery Life (momha) = Uum ® Aline

Uncompromised performance
SOLO has the same long, range warning as our
test-winning PASSPORT, in an even smaller package
(about 4"H x 24"W. weighing only 5%: ounces).
And unlike most battery-powered devi 0
maintains full performance over ік full battery i
New self powered SOLO mav be the first
detector that's never 100 much trouble to use.

‘We only sell direct from our factory to vou. and
we guarantee vour satisfaction. If youre not
completely satisfied in 30 dass. just return vour
purchase for а full refund. You can't lose.

The most advanced radar detectors in the
world are only a toll-free call av today,

ESCORT $295
Ohio residents add
517.70 sales tax

RADAR WARING RECETTER

разу er
higher in Canada

Call Toll Free 1-800-543-1608

(24 hours a day, 7 days a week)

> Dept. 600720

em One Microwave Plaza
Cincinnati. Ohio 45249

-— 5010 $545
SELE POWERED

SOLO

RADAR-RECEIVER
—

52070 sales tax

Prices slightly
higher in Canada

WINNING THE SUPER BOWL
IS EASY IF YOU KNOW
TO PLAY THE GAME.

Rush into a store. Look
for the Miller Lite All-Star
Super Bowl" Game display.

XXIV we've hidden inside cases
and 12-packs of Miller Lite cans.
Every prize package includes
game tickets for two, airfare to
New Orleans, hotel accommo-
dations and spending money.
So, if you want to go to the
Super Bowl” just look where
less filling tastes great.
Miller Lite.
Pick up a specially marked „һаа аме Ганаа RE]
package of America's favorite Sram somped rn | NEWN TOU tO mase

light beer. Then, lookinsideit. 2o. Bex 43 ioi nt saos te- THINK
You might just find one of No purchase necessary. Must ba of (ry

Ё v ` А Uus legal drinking oge to participate. Void H
AV өзә Miter rowing Са. Mivautge. WIS, 6 the free trips to Super Bowl отток иеси

SPORTS

hat will sports be like in the Nine-
ties? Your guess is as good as
ul Mine, ticket broker, West 42nd
and probably as good as my own.

mine—
Street

COLLEGE FOOTBALL

‘The major colleges will finally get a post-

nal

hip game. Notre Dame is box office and
is not in the championship game, по

TV network will buy the package from the

N.C.A.A.

The N.C.A.A. will put every major col-
lege except Notre Dame on probation for
recruiting violations.

A member of the N.C.A.A.s infractions
committee will suggest putting Notre
Dame on probation as well. This man will
be hanged, not in effigy but for real, dui
ing a pep rally on the Notre Dame campu:
at which Ronald Reagan will speak and the
Pope will tap-dance.

PRO FOOTBALL.

The NEL. will na
expansion cities down to 68.

2 Il continue to be played in these
. The American cities that sell the
most tickets to these meaningless exhibi-
tion then be eliminated from
consideration, and the N.EL. will place ex-
ion teams in Edinburgh, Brisbane,
d Brussel:

But a total of 33 teams in the N.EL.
only create imbalance, and talk will be;
xpansion for the year 2010.
la, will be onc of the
cities most often mentioned.

Art Shell will become the
head coach to be fired in the NEL.

In Dallas, Jimmy Johnson will become
known as “only the second coach the Cow-
boys have ever fired.”

п unnamed team's en-
Il explode on the field

from steroid abuse.

BASEBALL

Throughout the Nineti
autograph and sell his old jockstr
$34.68 cach nce store i
licothe, Ohio.

An unborn child will be named man-
ager of the New York Yankees

Bo Jackson will be Nol.
strike-out victim, thus becoming the only
hlete in history to be a Heisman Trophy

a conve

By DAN JENKINS

WHITHER
SPORTS?

winner, МУР of an All-Star game and
Nolan Ry n, all
in one lifetime.

A team of scientists. from MIT will
finally figure out what the Houston Astros’
colors are.

By 1995, the Texas Rangers will hav
seven .300 hitters in the line-up and vill
win their first 62 games but will finish
fourth in the American League West

George Steinbrenner will fire the United
States of America for not wii ig the war
on drugs.

BASKETBAL

The N.C.A.A. will incr the number
of teams invited to participate in its nation-
al championship tournament, "the road 10
the Final Four," from 64 to 256.

"|t makes a better TV package
spokesman will say.

A survey will reveal that Weight Train-
ing Two is the most popular course taken
by 90 percent of all college basketball pla:
s will have taken

iod

Skye High, North С.
center, will be declared scholast
gible for flunking Weight Trai

Coast Conference will conduct a sev

intei

year al investigation into possible

rules violations and will find no evidence
of any wrongdoing.

The N.B.A. will fight off a corporate
take-over by Time-Warner and will merge
with Disney:

BOXING

junner Steroid, a white kid, only 18,
whose real name is Bobby Joc Stench, will
win the heavyweight title and become the
world’s most unpopular athlete, inasmuch

as he's white.

TRACK AND FIELD

Al Track will run a wind-aided 72 in the
100-yard dash with a color T V under hi
m. Ben Field will high-jump 12 feet, six
inches while being pursued by an interna-
1 drug cartel

The summer Olympics of 2000 will be
awarded to Scutari, Albania.

lali Matilda, a big, blond Australian
with an exciting nickname, “The Great
White Nabisco,” will narrowly lose 17 ma-

and famous beca
shots.
Most golf cou

20 years and built around the bulkheads:
will be declared fire hazards.

The United States Golf Association will
legalize a square ball to compensate for the
continued widespread use of square-
groove clubs among recreational golfers.

TENNIS

A statement made by Steffi Graf in a
press interview at Wimbledon will be
translated as “Stop or ГИ shoot!”

MISCELLANEOUS

es to be a problem
ica, network television will put
drag racing in prime time.

In a nuclear submarine, Dennis С
will win the Ame Cup Бас

ner
from

A Siamese cat will w
Olympic gymnastic
East Germany and West Germany will
nite, win the World Cup in soccer, then
avade Poland.
A Japanese business conglomerate will
buy The Star-Spangled Banner but will con-
tinue to let it be played at most sports
even

a gold medal in

Look out
below

It's time
you gave
yourself
aGSE"

If youre sexually active, you should know about the GSE
GSE stands for genital self-examination. Its a simple
examination you can give yourself to check for any signs or
symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease. Send for your
free GSE Guide today. Because when it comes to sexual
relationships, there are some important things to look out for.

To receive your free GSE Guide, simply fill out and return
the coupon below, or call, toll-free, 1-800-234-1124,

Woburn, MA 01888-4088

Name (please print)

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the American Academy of Dermatology, the American Academy of
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1989 Burroughs Wellcome Ca All һе reserved.

Cope

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Weinen my boyfriend and 1 started hav-
к sex, he had no problem bringing me to
orgasm when he was on top. Then, as
change of pace. I rode him once and found
that my orgasms were a lot more intense
and satisfying. The problem is, now my
boyfriend hasn't been able to bring me to
orgasm except when I'm on top. We've
tried everything—extended foreplay, oral
stimulation, other ров He says it
doesn't matter to him that much, but its
frustrating for me and making sex less en-
joyable. Any suggestions? —Miss |. Т, San
Diego, California.

Lighten up. We heard a comedian talk
about self-appointed experts in bed. His girl-
friend would give directions in bed—"Do
this, do that.” Finally, she rolled over and
confessed that she had never had an orgasm.
He said, “Then what the fuck are you doing
giving directions? Гое been having orgasms
for years" You have a problem, but its not the
one you think you have. First, an orgasm is
nol something your boyfriend makes hap-
pen—its something you allow yourself to
have in his presence. You've found a sure-fire
method (on top) and everything else pales in
comparison, to the point that you have creat-
ed а self-fulfilling (or -defsating) prophecy.
By insisting that every form of stimulation
produce an orgasm, you put an undue bur
den on each approach. In bed, what you be-
lieve will happen will happen. If you think
that being on top is the only way that works, it
will be the only way that works. But thal’ а
problem half the couples in America would
Mill for Play. Frolic. When you want your оғ
gam, voll over om top. Then give your
boyfriend his favorite form of orgasm. Then
start again.

W vas interested in the information you
published recently about an outfit in Ger-
many that rents high-velocity Porsches,
BMWs and Mercedeses. It sounds great,
but I have one question: Is there truly no
speed limit on the autobahns? Can I really
go as fast as 1 want?—T. P, New York,
New York.

A friend of ours recently spent several days
trying to see how fast a BMW 750iL would
go on Europe public highways, and in Cer-
many, he claims to have found а slight credi-
bility gap between what's promised and whats
delivered. It’s true that many, if not most,
stretches of Germany's limited-access auto-
bahns have a recommended speed limit of 80
miles per hour, but a recommendation is not
reality—while doing 125 miles per hour, he
was passed by a Porsche 928 that appeared to
be approaching escape velocity. He was also
lefi behind at НО mph by a Volkswagen Golf
that had clearly received a steroid injection
under the hood. Thats the good news, along
with the fact that the autobahus are superbly
maintained highways—smooth, wrinkle-free
and clearly marked. Also, German drivers

are very fast but invariably polite. Nobody
cuts you off or weaves from lane to lane. The
national mantra seems to be “Keep right un-
less passing.” If they want you to move over,
they usually turn on their left-turn signal. Lf
that doesn't work, they flash their lights. Un-
fortunately, some stretches of autobahn have
posted. limits, usually between 60 and 72
mph. Other parts are slowed by repairs. And
traffic on weekends is murder, so try to hang it
out on a sunny workday afternoon far from
the big cities Also note that all nonautobahn
highways have posted speed limits. Take your
cue from the flow of traffic—the police do go
after speeders. One favored method is to pho-
tograph the front end of your car (including
your license plate) with a high-speed camera
positioned on an overpass. A fex weeks later,
a ticket and a copy of the photo with your
speed superimposed on the corner arrive in
your mailbox. We know one driver who lami-
nates the photos to the grille of his car—like
the pictures of enemy aircrafi that flying aces
use lo indicate kills.

Because of what might be called а case
of condom phobia, 1 am writing to
Whenever | contemplate the idea of
a condom in order to make love to some
body my penis absolutely refuses to get with.
and intercourse becomes impossible. Bu
if by sheer luck I am able to sustain an
erection long enough to slip the rubber on,
the moment I attempt to enter the nearest
vagina, my manhood dwindles down to
nothing and I am through. No amount of
coaxing, from me or the poor girl, will
bring it back to life. This situation is very
frustrating for me, as Lam not able to get
laid. Lam single and don't have a regular
girl. but many times, 1 have encountered
what will turn out to be a one-night stand

and that’s when my condom phobia makes
its appearance. I am keenly aware of the
smorgasbord of S; ED.s going around. | re-
fuse to risk getting something by fucking
Un ee So the result is always the
g: по sex. The problem is
nothing new for me. It has been going on
for many years, but since I've usually had a
nd, 1 havent had to worry
Now, unfortunately, I have been
yself for almost three months and 1
know when my next girlfriend is go-
ing to come aro er to save the
day. So far, it has been solo sex or no sex. Is
there some help available for this prob-
lem?—G. P, Miami Beach, Florida.

Lets get this straight. You want Mx. Happy
to be eight inches of well-insulated, throbbing
steel in the presence of a woman you hardly
know who might be a Petri dish of potentially
lethal virus. Gosh, sounds like a healthy sexu-
al attitude to us. The problem may be unfa-
miliarity: You may have to get to know your
casual lovers as well as you knew your girl-
friends (we assume you were still using con-
doms with them, or did you have some other
form of birth control?) Putting on а condom
during sex injects a hard dose of reality into
the fantasyland of ricochet romance. You
could practice at home. Masturbate with a
condom until you know it like the palm of
your hand. Try adding lubricants. Turn one
of those condoms with ribs inside out so the
tiny little fingers stimulate your secret pleas-
ure centers. Become acquainted with a vari-
ety of condoms so your anxiety is replaced by
expertise. Ask your new friends to put the
condom on as part of foreplay—of course,
they will be clumsy, and that clumsiness may
detract from arousal, but at least its some-
thing you're doing together.

d the cor

Wehen 1 put out a Brie or Camembert
cheese at a party, guests gouge out pieces
of the creamy center, digging between the
crusts. It doesn't take long before the
cheese 15 a mess. In nce, I've noticed
that people cut off a wedge, crusts and all,
which they gobble with gu: ell me, із
one supposed to eat the Which
cheese rinds are edible and add to the
flavor, and which are to be avoided?—]. J,
( Indiana

wese authorities agree that the rinds of
all natural cheeses are edible—but not neces
sarily enjoyable. Here are things you want ta
Look for: For soft or semisoft surface-ripened
cheeses such as Brie, Camembert, Saga, Re-
blochon, Pont l'Evéque, French Munster,
Nariolles, Livarot and Liederkranz, watch
for such signs of deterioration as brauming
and ather discoloration, slimy, sticky surface,
“barnyard” odor, shrunken merchandise.
Some hosts elect to remove the rinds of ageres-
sive cheeses such as Reblochon and Livarot
before serving But don't discard rinds
frivolously. Ernst Siggaard, production

PLAYBOY

manager of Tholstrup Dairies, U.
they add complexity and balance. For hard,
interiorripened cheeses such as Emmentha-
ler, Gruyere, Appenzell, Parmesan, Raclette,
Pecorino and Romano, beware of cracked or
excessively dried out rinds, cheeses. darker
near the vind, misshapen goods and bitler
rinds, Ideal Cheese, a premiere Manhattan
shop, will grind dense, tough rinds so they
can be used in cooking. No amount of coaxing
or reassurance will persuade a confirmed
rindophobe lo eat the rind of Brie or other
such cheeses, But you can prepare the cheese
so Их vastly more appealing to the palate. It's
simple. Start with a ripe Brie Brush any
loose particles off the top, then spread lightly
with unsalted butter and coat with chopped
toasted almonds.

Since 1 went away to college (more than
six years ago), Гус been reading Playboy
but have been reluctant to write to you be-
cause I don't sce many letters from women.
Ive noticed that you've advised men
who've complained about an occasional in-
ability to achieve an erection. but Гуе nev-
er seen a discussion of my problem.

About the time I started menstruating, I
also became curious about my body and
soon learned that touching my clitor
caused it to quiver and grow stiff, which re-
ally felt good. By the time I was 18 (and
still a virgin), I could caress my clitoris un-
til it stiffened and lengthened to about an
inch and protruded from the lips of my
agina. Near the end of my freshman year
in college, 1 finally lost my virginity to a
sophomore who was exceptionally consid-
erate of me but who was amazed at how
large my clitoris became when 1 was sexu-
ally aroused. We both thoroughly enjoyed
intercourse as well as oral sex. In fact, we
even experimented by inserting my erect
clitoris into the opening of his erect penis
to produce pleasurable sensations unlike
anything else imaginable. 1 have since
been sexually active with other men. Thi
is, until recently. I've fallen in love with
wonderful man and would like to marry
him, but when we have intercourse, my cl
toris will not become erect. This is par

u-
larly embarrassing since I told him that it

would. We've watched erotic videos in the
nude together; he has caressed my clitoris
with his fingers; he has gently sucked and
licked to cause a slight arousal. Of
course, we've had intercourse, but so far,
nothing has been able to arouse it to a firm
not rigid inch-long organ. As a conse-
quence, Гус become so anxious about thi
failure to become aroused that 1 cant en-
joy our intimate moments together, and
he's losing interest in me. I've heard that
many men lose the ability to have a fully
erect penis as they become older (in their
50s and beyond), but I'm only 24 years old.
Have you any suggestions®—Miss В. G
Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The clitoris is similar to the penis. It be-
comes erect when aroused. It can refuse to
join the party. H can become unnerved by per-
formance anxiety. If you can make your di-
toris perform its trick in private, you know

the problem is not physical. Our advie
Retire from show business. You can still pleas
ure the other 99.9 percent of your body (and
we assume you still reach orgasm). 11% not un-
usual for a woman to respond differently to
different men—the weight of your marital
fantasy may be enough to stifle your arousal.
Your body may be pulling its punches; maybe
you should listen to it,

Waar is the truth about eelskin wallets?
Do they cause damage to the magnetic
strips on credit cards?—A. 1., Vista, Cali-
fornia

Where do these rumors come from? Did
some guy who was overdrawn on his credit
line explain a rejected card by blaming it on
the ghost of an electric есі? The type of mate-
rial your wallet is made of will not affect the
magnetic strip, but where you carry your wal-
let may: If you sit on your wealth, eventually,
the card may become creased. Between two
and ten percent of all cards cannot be read
and have to be replaced as soon as you get
them. Other sources that may demagnelize the
strip include magnetic clasps on purses and
wallets, money clips with magnets, magnel-
ized security cards (the kind used to enter
buildings), head demagnetizers (when you
work on your stereo, leave your wallet in the
next room) —i.e., any strong magnetic source.
Industry experts also counsel against storing
cards with magnetic strips rubbing against
pens, pencils or other magnetic strips.

IN o long ago, The Playboy Advisor ran a
letter about people who suffered head-
aches from sex. I have just the opposite
condition: Sex can cure a headache, Have
you ever heard of such a reaction?— B. N.,
Chicago. Illinois.

This may put an end to the oldest excuse in
the book. "Darling, 1 have a headache. Would.
you mind a quickie?” A report in Medical
Selfcare suggests that sex may actually
provide relief from some types of migraine
headaches. A researcher at Southern Illinois
University found that for some people, a
small orgasm brought modest relief. while
stronger orgasms brought complete relief The
effect varied from person to person—one man
мий he could relieve pain only by having sex
with someone other than his wife. Right.

Vo a golfer looking for a challenge
dont mean the sink-this-putt-and-you
old-lady-owes-me-a-blow-job challenge. I
mean one tough bitch of a golf course—
long, tight, with water hazards full of hun
gry gators. You get the idea. Where do I
tee off if I want to get beat up and enjoy
it?—E. O., Dallas, Texas.

Ready for the Whips and Chains Open,
are you? You seem to be in good company,
since plenty of golfers are lining up at 7000-
yard monsters that promise five hours of hu-
miliation. One guy we know has a T-shirt
that says BEAT ME, FUCK МЕ, МАКЕ ME MISS TWO-
FOOTERS. Our lop six nightmare courses?
Some masochists like to warm up at a place
such as Pebble Beach, California, where the
ocean will claim plenty of golf balls and the
pro shop will relieve you of $150 for the priv-

ilege (who else besides golfers and New York
ers would willingly pay so much for being
treated so rudely?). One of our personal fa
vorites is the Tournament Players Club in
Sawgrass, the Florida course ut which Pete
Dye introduced the dreaded island green
From the bach tees at TP.C., you'll need heavy
artillery just to reach the cut part of the fair
ways. Another layout guaranteed to leave
your swing in tallers is the PGA. WEST
Stadium Course at LaQuinta, California, a
track so tough that the pros tried it once and
refused to go back. Another fun afternoon
сап be spent al The Bear, in the Grand Tia-
verse Resort in northern Michigan. Jack
Nicklaus built this 7065-yard namesake, and
you should enjoy watching your two-iron ap-
proach shots bounce harmlessly off the greens
and into the woods. To get your kicks a little
farther from home, check out the aptly named
Teeth of the Dog course in Casa de Campo, a
plush resort in the Dominican Republic. The
stretch of holes along the ocean there will
bring back painful memories of the afore-
mentioned Pebble Beach. As for those who
prefer the razor instead of the bludgeon, look
no farther than Muirfield, the venerable links
just east of Edinburgh in Scotland. This is
surely the most subtle torture track in all of
golfdom.

Que than masturbation or intercourse,
is there a cure for blue balls? Sometimes I
don't have the privacy for one or time for
the other, let alone a willing partner. 1
know it has probably been years since you
suffered from this, being the suave, so-
phisticated adult that you are—but rack
your memory. 1 need help.—C. J., Denver,
lorado.

First, lets go over the cause oj blue balls, or
stone ache, as И is sometimes called. Accord-
ing to an article in Medical Aspects of H
man Sexuality: “The first phase of sexual
stimulation produces general pelvic venous
dilation. If this persists, the venous drainage
from the testicles is slowed and the blood pre:
sure inside the testicles may go up to a painful
level. The pain disappears spontaneously aft-
er two to three hours without any residual
symptoms" If you cant masturbate, try this
technique: “Stone ache can be prompily re
lieved by straining to lift an immovable ob-
ject, such as a car bumper, while m а stooped
or squatting position, The patient should be
cautioned to attempt to lift symmetrically so
as to prevent back-muscle strain. The [victim]
is instructed to apply as much force as possi-
ble for three to four seconds; repetition of the
strainingilifting process is occasionally neces-
sary. The pelvic рат often disappears dra-
matically after 15-30 seconds." So does your
date.

All reasonable questions—jrom fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person-
ally answered if the writer includesa stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters ta The
Playboy Advisor, Playbay, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative. pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month

For people who
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05 mg тоште av. per cigarene, by FTC method

“The first time I heard a Teac,
I got so excited I wet my pants’

TEAC.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

lor MICE AND MOLESTERS

If you ever wondered how adult
a talks to iis children about sex,
take a look at the programs designed to

sexual abuse.

John Crewdson, Pulitzer Prize-win-
ning journalist, writes in By Silence Be-
trayed, Sexual Abuse of
Children in America, “Most
prevention programs re-
fuse to call penises and

as by their proper
names, referring instead
to mysterious
zones or "place
your bathing suit covers."

“Red Flag, Green Flag, à
multimedia prog,
has as its centerpiece
oring book that contains a
drawing of am androg
nous child whose arms,
legs, chest and other body
paris are identified for
what they are, while the rı
gion between the child's
legs is merely labeled “gen
itals (private parts)? Upon
closer inspection, it b
tomes apparent that the
child in the drawing
no genitals or pri
part

"Its О.К. to Say No!
mostly contains warnings
about ‘child molesters’ who

quent public rest rooms
and video arcades, with a
few cautionary words
bout. neighbors, teachers
and baby siters thrown in.

But ИЗ О.К. to Say No! ne
er says what its OK
no to. In one story,
named Tina spends il
night at che home of Lucy, her friend
After Tina's in bed, Lucy's big brother
comes into h and starts saying
‘strange things’ that make Tina feel
‘uncomfortable? But what th
na feel uncom

never finds ощ. Because ЙУ О.К.
to Say No! and similar storybooks are
designed for parents to share with their
children, their squeamishness m
an acknowledgment t

feel uneasy talking with their children
about any aspect of sex.

ia Anderson, one of the pio-

child-sexual-abuse-prevention

ams, agrees with Crewdson

saving that we want to talk t0

you about и, that if you have any

s about I, I want you 10 ask me
about it, that is not OK if someone
docs i to you, and that if it happens, its
ot your fault. But what it means is so
bad that E cant even say the words."
Neil Gilbert, co-author of Proieciing
Young Children from Sexual Abuse, also
h the way sexualabuse
programs discuss “good touch, bad
touch.” “In introducing ‘bad touches’
that are sexual, many programs begin

questi

by teaching children 10 identify thei
private parts. But there is disagreement
about exactly what these private parts
include. The minimalist position de-
fines them as the genitals or the body
parts covered by underwear. A more
expansive view includes the mouth and
the chest. And їп some
programs, physteal contact
on any part of the body
that does not ‘feel good’ is
а bad touch. One curricu-
lum. for example, explicit-
acknowledges that the
т а private part,
nother uses role
playing in which a four
year-old girl is congratu-
lated for informing her
teacher about the next-
door neighbor who some
times invites her into hi:
house for milk and cook-
ies, and then touches һе
hair. Thus, in the most
clusive view of bad touch,’
children are taught. that
even a pat on the head
should be reported to the
ithoriues if it feels fun-
пу... Hence, the pro-
gr teach (һаг (he.
ucky kiss Irom Uncle
Bill, the tight hug Iron
Grandma or the unwanted.
squeeze from Aunt Jenny,
which may not feel good,
ге therefore bad touches.
e touches are seen as
fringemen! on the
rights that should
utomatically resisted,
and perhaps even report
ed. Ar best, this view di
gards the deep affection
fiom whieh these physical expressions
usually ; at worst, it implies that
something insidious lurks behind sim-
ple physical contact”

Some programs, in order to avoid the
subject of sex altogether, use animals to
try to impart their message. About
Golden Books Never Talk to Strangers,
onc of the best-selling children’s books
on the subject, Crewdson says, “The
book uses what its publisher describes

as fantasy and humor to convey its mes-
sage ‘in a nonthreatening way” The il-
lustrations it contains show children in
familiar settings—at home, at the store,
at the bus stop, at the playground—
when an unfamiliar and presumably
threatening character appears on the
scene. None of these strangers, howev-
er, is human. ‘If you are hanging from
a trapeze,’ the book begins, ‘and up
sneaks a camel with bony knees, re-
member this rule if you please—never
talk to strangers!’ It goes on to warn
children about grouchy grizzly bears,
parachuting hawks, a rhinoceros wait-
ing for a bus, coyotes who ask the time,
cars with a whale at the wheel and bees
carrying bass bassoons.”

Crewdson continues, “The problem
with such anthropomorphic presenta-
tions is illustrated by a filmstrip fea-
turing Penelope Mouse, who has an
otherwise unidentified ‘strange experi-
ence’ at her uncle Sid's house. When a
group of schoolchildren who had been
shown the filmstrip were later asked
what its message was, they agreed that
sexual abuse must be a serious problem
among mice.”

Is stranger danger and the message
for children to always be on their guard
really what we want w convey? Crewd-
son thinks not. “The real problem with
abuse-prevention programs із
very few of them warn children
about the possibility of sexual abuse by
relati: and there arc almost. nonc
scuss parent-child incest. Those
who design such materials defend their
skittishness by pointing to the parent-
teacher protests that have sprung up
even when the most innocuous рго-
grams have been introduced into local
schools. . . . Some parents oppose pre-
vention programs on the grounds that
they ‘put ideas about sex in children's
heads.’ Others are concerned that sexu-
al-abuse prevention might somehow be
akin to sex education. Because many
parents find it hardest to acknowledge
the possibility that their children may
be at risk from family members, sexual-
abuse counselors argue that in most
cities, an incest-prevention program
would have no chance of gaining ac-
ceptance."

Gilbert concurs. "Nobody knows how.
many children are sexually abused by
strangers. But most estimates indicate
that 80 to 90 percent of reported cases
of sexual abuse involve offenders
known to the child." He believes that
the available programs that purport to
teach children about sexual abuse are at
best social placebos that “may only be-
wilder small children while soothing

parental anxi worst, they leave
youngsters as vulnerable as ever but
psychologically on edge—a little more
aware of the dangers around them and
a little less able to enjoy the innocence
of childhood

“The resources consumed hy train-
ж preschool children might be used
more constructively in programs de-
signed to sharpen the vigilance of par-
ents, teachers and other responsible
caretakers of children. This approach
would place the duty to protect chil-

as prostitutes.”

F O R U ME

Dr. Lois Lee sees the product of America’s silence about sex. She
heads Children of the Night—a volunteer program in Los Angeles
that deals with child prostitutes and runaways. Most of the adoles-
cents are from white, middle-class homes and about 80 percent have
been sexually abused, often by a family member. Dr. Lee says, “Au-
thorities estimate that about a thousand kids come to Hollywood ev-
ery week. A kid who stays on the streets for a week is going to have a
brush with prostitution. Eighty percent of the kids I see have worked

Children of the Night supplies the basics: More than 50 adolescents
every month receive clothing, emergency medical care, Social Secu-
rity cards, counseling, a ticket home or housing referrals and help
with placement in drug programs, schools, mental-health facilities
and jobs. Most important, Lee is an adult these teens can trust.

The Playboy Foundation provided funding to Children of the
Night when no other organization was willing to do so. Late last sum-
mer, a fund-raising benefit was held at the Playboy Mansion to raise
money to convert the old Van Nuys post office into a 24-bed shelter. If

want to join the crusade for children, send a check to Children of
the Night, 1800 North Highland, Suite 128, Hollywood, California
90028. os are tax deductible.

closer to the family and the com-
; where it belongs.

We agree. But is it any wonder that
adults who will not use straight talk
when discussing sex—if they discuss
ir children wil

drei

ual-abuse-prevention. programs be so
obtuse that they do more harm than
good?

Perhaps it is adult Americans who
need sex education.

N E W

S F R

ом Т

what’ happening in the sexual and social arenas

SATURDAY-NIGHT BREATHING

AMSTERDAM—For reasons not altogeth-
er clear, premature babies seem to breathe
better when fast music is piped into their
incubators. Most premature infants suffer

respiratory problems and the music ap-
pears to increase their breathing rate. The
babies were treated to the crooning of Per-
ry Como without much effect, but, accord-

ing to а researcher, “When we changed
that to disco music, the breathing rhythm
also improved. The beat seems to pull

them along”
CAR WARS

DENVER—To шіп the battle with fast-
driving motorists, a Denver electronics
firm has introduced a laser speed gun that
could render police radar detectors obso-
lete. The International Measurement C
Control Company, which made laser
range finders for the military, says that its
new speed-measuring device can be aimed
at a specific vehicle over a long distance
by means of a telescopic sight. However, it
uses so little power—less than "ss the en-
ergy of a Lazer Tag game—it won't fry
the motorist.

HERE COMES THE GROOM

COPENHAGEN—Denmark has become
the first country to legally recognize homo-
sexual marriages. Calling the unions

the official act

grants gay couples who say "I do” essen-
tially the same rights as married helero-
sexuals. The measure was passed by the
Danish parliament m May by a vote of
71-47 after a 40-year campaign by ho-
mosexual-rights advocates,

YEAH, RIGHT

EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Local taxpayers
and some other residents of Edmonton
were surprised to learn that their police
had been setting up prostitution arrests by
paying for private individuals to have il-
legal sex. During the trial of two mas-
sage-parlor operators, testimony revealed
that a detective had supplied several men,
including the 19-year-old brother of a po-
liceman, with $672 for massage-parlor
services, which included oral sex and sex-
ual intercourse. The brother said that he
visited the parlor twice to gel evidence but
that he did it only by way of “trying to help
the police servire" A defense attorney
complimented another customer-witness
on his “marvelous sense of public duty "

BUSINESS AS USUAL

NEW YORK сіту--Тйе Metropolitan
Transportation Authority has decided not
to ban masturbation. deviate sexual inter
course, sodomy or physical contact with
others’ clothed or unclothed genitals on the
Metro-North Commuter Railroad—not
that the M.T.A. approves of such activi-
ties. Ata board meeting, the М.ТА. chair-
тап noted that they are already prohibited
under state law and “I just personally feel
that this sort of thing isn't a priority for
us. God knows, we have enough problems
conducting mainstream business.”

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUYCOTT

Los ANGELES—The Southern Califor
nia affiliate of the American Civil Liber
ties Union is sponsoring a campaign lo
combat fundamentalist censors. The cam-
paign, called a buycott, seeks to help em-
battled companies that advertise on shows
targeted by the Reverend Donald Wild-
топ and his group CLeaR-TV for con-
taming “incidences of sex, profanity,
violence or anti-Christian stereotyping”
("Тһе Playboy Forum.” December). Wild-
mon advocates that his followers boycott
the companies that advertise on the shows;
the ACLU. chapter asks that people
against censorship send letters of support

to the companies and make an effort to
buy the products that they produce. In ad-
dition, the group will boycott the next
company that buckles under ta censorship
pressure and pulls its advertising from a
TV program.

CALL IN THE CLOWNS

TACOMA. WASHINGTON— Ан off-duty
Army sergeant, threatened by neighbor
hood drug dealers while he was barbeeu
ing in his back yard, put in a call to some
fellow rangers, who rode to the rescue with
an array of personal weapons. They took
up defensive positions and traded. more
than 100 rounds with the attacking dop
ers without hitting anyone, raising the
question of whether the soldiers were very
good shols—or very bad ones. Two sus-
pected dealers were arrested on weapons
and assault charges and the cops
confiscated the soldiers’ guns. Commented
one police officer, “The fact that nobody
gol hurt—al is kind of amazing”

SEX ED

ToRONTO—In an effort to reduce the in-
cadence of AIDS and sexually transmitted:
diseases among young people, 47 of whom
are infected. with HIV. Toronto health

officials have decided to place condom
machines in all high school rest rooms.
A city medical officer commented. that
“teenagers believe themselves immune, in
fertile and immortal."

R E

ANIMAL RIGHTEOUSNESS
Animal-rights activists are
neither lunatics nor bozos
(The Playboy Forum, November).
Please save those titles for evan-
gelists and religious nuts
David Kveragas
Clarks Summit, Ре

sylvania

As long as animal-rights. ac-
tivists commit. commando-style
raids on laboratories that per-
form research to advance med-
ical knowledge, Playboy—and
1—should refer to them as the
lunatic fringe.

Edward MacSwain
Halifax, Nova Scotia

CABLE CENSORSHIP

A small but vocal minority of
sts in Kansas co-
creed several cable-TV compa-
s to yank The Last Temptation
of Christ from their Cinemax
schedule. 1 figured chat by sub-
scribing to а pay cable-TY cha
mel E wouldn't have to worry
about censorship. Obviously, I
was wrong.

Carl А. Lehman
Hays, Kansas

1 pay an added fee in order to
w the movies on Cinemax ca-
ble channel. Now I'm told that I
can't view The Last Temptation of
Christ because the management
of Multimedia Cablevision says
it’s offensive. I'd certainly like to
see for myself.

Т. Gibson
Wichita, Kansas
Kansas wasn't the only state af-
fected by local cable management
decision not to show the movie “The
Last Templation of Christ.” Atleast
two cable-television systems in Ar-
kansas refused to air the movie, as
did Multimedia Cablevision in
Oklahoma, One Oklahoman filed
а 81.000.000 Federal lawsuit
against Multimedia. The suit con-
tends that the cable company com-
mitted fraud by advertising the
movie and then not showing il.

MORE ON WILDMON
We all wish that the Reverend
Donald Wildmon would go away,
but he won't—at least not until
advertisers have the guts to stand

E R

FOR THE RECORD

esse MESS 40: De Learned
PORN VIDEO

a guide to xrated rules of romance

1. A couple can always rejuvenate a troubled
marriage by having sex with friends, business asso-
ciates and strangers.

2. The first thing any woman is inclined to do
upon awakening from а nights sleep is have sex
with the person sleeping next to her. If she has
slept alone, she will have sex by herself.

3. Whenever one calls a friend, a spouse, an em-
ployer, a politician or a clergyman on the tele-
phone, it is probable that he or she is having sex
with someone during the conversation.

4. A woman's bath is not complete until she
ther masturbates or has sex with the people who
unexpectedly join her.

5. The sale of a house or a condominium is tradi-
tionally closed by the purchaser's having sex with
the broker.

6. When a burglar surprises someone at home,
the intruder and the homeowner have pleasurable
sex.

7. All maids, chauffeurs, cooks and butlers are
willing, skillful sexual partners.

8. It is considered standard operating procedure
for law-enforcement officials to have sexual rela-
tions with witnesses and suspects during question-
ing and interrogation.

9. When one discovers a spouse engaged in a ho-
mosexual affair, the appropriate response is not to
file for divorce but to join in.

10. Grocery, pizza and newspaper delivery men
routinely accept sexual favors instead of money as
payment for their goods and services.

— CHARLES RADOO, Spy magazine

олиң! 198) Soy Publishing Partners. L P. Deiribued by Uned Feahres Syndicat

up to him (“Complicity Is Not
Cost-Free,” The Playboy Forum.
November). As а comedian once
said, "Conservatives believe that
the basic freedoms are being
eroded—1he freedom to censor
ys and television, the
freedom to hang people and
the freedom to avoid paying in-
come tax."

Wayne J. Brown
‘Tuskegee, Alabama

The Reverend Donald Wild-
mon has been getting a lot of.
press coverage lately and I'd like
to report an absurd incident that
involved ıhe American Family
Association — Wildmons organi-
zation. Four Playboy Playmates
visited Petoskey, Michigan, in or-
der to play softball against a local
team at the Emmet County Fair.
The fair manager received
threatening phone calls, as-
sumedly from A.EA. members,
for scheduling the game, but to
her credit, she refused to cancel
it. Unfortunately, some elected
officials bowed to pressure and
backed out of their commitment
to play or officiate. In addition,
the A.EA. picketed the game c
rying placards that read ravsov
PROMOTES PERVERSION.

Despite everything, the game
was held, People had fun. The

s looked great. It's a
ided moral-
ists did their best to spoil the fun.

Charles Clemens
Conway, Michi

ABORTION SCRAPBOOK
Judie Brown of the /
e Lobby ("Aborti
Scrapbook,” The Playboy Forum,
November) opposes all forms of
birth control except the rhythm
method. I's an odd and hypo-

ical attitude that allows for
mathematics in birth cc
prohibits chemistry and physics

James A. Reynolds, ІП
Houston

soluti
lems of birth cc

1 to the prob-
trol and. abor-

tion. Let every young man upon
attaining sexi

before having а

R E S

N S E

vasectomy, Then, when a child is wanted,
sperm is withdrawn from the spe
bank and used in artificia i
(Theoretically, frozen sperm
indefinitely) Every child would be a
wanted child. That is as near t0 utopia as
we can come.

Arthur D. Penser
Huntsville, Alabama

ABORTION DEBATE

Га like to contribute to the abortion
debate. The following is an excerpt from
de by James M. Jones,
Ph.D., speaking for the Am n Psy-
chological Association: “The A.PA. i
concerned that the Courts decision
[Webster vs. Reproductive Health Services)
could have profound, lasting effects on
women dependent on publicly funded fa-
cilities for health care and counseling by
depriving them of the information they
need to m; and act on critical repro-
ductive choices. The decision also creates
possible situation for mental-health
practitioners who have any involvement
with publicly funded programs or facili-
ies. By placing constraints on what сап
be discussed between counselor and client
such facili the deci
rious blow against both informed consent
ad professional discretion."
Wagner
Pierre, South Dakota

a statement ma

CHILD АВУ5Е--ТНЕ REAL OBSCENITY

After reading Philip Nobiles “The
Making of a Monster” (The Playboy Fo-
rum, July), 1 feel compelled to write to
Playboy.

Steven Judy, a rapist and murderer, was
executed in Indiana in 1981. While on
did ‘Ted Bundy—rel-
tion he received from the
news media, though unlike Bundy, he
didn't let the religious fanatics (his term)
get on his band wagen. Yet—also as did
‘Ted Bundy—he blamed society for his
misdeed;

Bundy wanted a reprieve and used Dr.
James Dobson to ty to help him get i
Steve wanted to die and used the state of
Indiana to accomplish his goal.

Not having medical training, I can on-
ly speak from my heart. Steve lived in our

home for ten years, I loved him like a son
and my family and 1 experienced only
his loving and giving nature. 1 can ho

estly say that he was never interested in

pornography. 1 c;
when I found апу porn n
tures ny material Dr. Dobson could
construe as being obscene. No, not even
cheerleader pamphlets. Yet before Steve
died, 1 saw through his boy-next-door
act.

The horror Steve experienced in his
childhood is what, I feel, made him a
monster. His parents were alcoholics who
fought often, Couple that with the con-
fusing messages he received about his
role (lover, soother, protector or child)
and he could only become a confused
and deeply troubled adult.

My message to Dobson and the numer-
ous do-gooders like him is this: Why not
redirect your energies toward helping
the children who are abused by their own
families? Stop the system from sending
them back into destructive environ-
ments. Encourage your antiporn propa-
gandists to donate a few hours each week
to abused children instead of monitoring.
how many Playboys are being sold to

agazir

pic-

Bundy's records showed the same. Steve's
problems were ingrained before he was
removed from his environment—as, ap-
parently, were Bundy’s.

If Dobson is sincere in wanting to stop
“the making of a monster,” he will focus
on child abuse. Of course, he may not re-
ceive the publicity his type craves—but
his heart will feel great.

Mary Carr
Indianapolis,

А CHRISTIAN SPEAKS OUT
Lam a clergyman who recently attend-
ed an international gathering of my de-
nomination. | can truthfully say that
many at the core of the leadership of so
called mainstream Chr are pro-
foundly disturbed by the extremes of
fundamentalist groups of Christians.
J. J. Stewart
Long Beach, €

In these conservative times, me sight of a little skin can start folks frothing at

the mouth. Consider the rea
of Mademoiselle, Ladies‘
Home Journal, Glamour,
Redbook end Cosmopolitan.
Stores received complaints
about the ads being
“pornography” and nervous
retailers pulled the offend-
ing issues off the stands.
Three hundred and four
Vons supermarkets, 1326
Wal-Mart stores ond 77
Krogers caved in to over-
reacting customers.

The spokesperson for
Beiersdorf, Inc., the market-
ing agency for Nivea in the
US., expressed shock at the
uproar, noting that “many of
the responses have come
from the Bible Belt and from
church groups, but com-
plaints have also come from
people like you and me.”

People like you and me?
Leave us out of this absurdi-
ty, please. KIM ERWIN

п to the Nivea ad featured in the October issues

researchers estimate that one out of 500 college students i:

BIS
o

infected

with the aids virus. we look at what colleges are doing for the other 499. here's
what's on the table during sexual-awareness week at your local university

AIDS is short
for acquired (not
inherited) immune
deficiency (a break-
down of the body's
defense — system,
producing suscep-
tibility to certain
diseases) syndrome
(a spectrum of dis-
orders and symp-
toms). People with
full-blown AIDS
suffer from un-
usual life-threat-
ening infections
and/or rare forms
of cancer.

The virus that causes AIDS also
produces milder but often debilitat-
ing illnesses called AIDS-related com-
plex, or ARC. . .. Many people with
ARC improve without treatment; oth-
ers progress to have AIDS itself and
some remain the same.

People with AIDS, ARC or a posi-

Many of the early symptoms of
AIDS or ARC are similar to those
of common minor illnesses, such
as the “flu.” What distinguishes
AIDS and ARC is the severity and
duration of the symptoms. Of par-
ticular importance are:

1. Persistent, excessive tiredness
for no apparent reason;

2. Recurring fevers, chills or
night sweats;

3. Unexplained weight loss of
more than ten pounds;

live test present no
danger to those
with whom they
go to class, share
bathrooms, eat,
work or sit.

There і по
need for concern
about the safety of
swimming pools,
whirlpools, sau-
nas or telephone
booths because of
AIDS. AIDS can-
not be transmitted
by coughing or
sneezing. The vi-
rusis not transmit-
ted in food handling. Those living
with people with AIDS, ARC or a pos-
itive blood test are at no extra risk un-
less they are sexual partners or they
arc sharing contaminated needles.

Under no drcumstances can you
get AIDS by donating blood or by get-
ting hepatitis B vaccine.

SYMPTOMS OF AIDS AND ARC

4. Persistent enlargement of the
Iymph nodes (glands) in the neck,
armpits or groin;

5. Sore throat that does not go
away or white spots or patches in
the mouth;

6. A new, persistent cough;

7. Easy bruising or unexplained
bleeding from any part of the
body;

8. Persistent diarrhea;

9. Pink or purple bumps or
blotches on the skin.

WOMEN & AIDS:
TEN TIPS ON
CONDOM USE

1. Only use latex condoms—nat-
ural or lambskin condoms let HIV
pass through them.

2. Condoms vary; finding a com-
fortable condom may increase
your partners willingness to use
them.

3. Read the instructions thor-
oughly with your partner—not all
men are completely sure of correct
condom use.

4, The condom must be put on
before penctration because the
AIDS virus can be present in pre-
ejaculatory fluid.

5. If you need additional lu-
brication for vaginal or anal
intercourse, use а water-based
lubricant, like K-Y jelly, that will
help prevent condom breakage.

6. To further avoid breakage, try
extra-strength or ribbed condoms
or use two at once.

7. Use unlubricated condoms for
oral sex.

8. No man is too big or small
for a condom—
snug-fit condoms
are available for
smaller men.

lose his erec-

tion when first
using a con-
dom, but you
can help him
get it back.

10.Ргас-
tice makes
it easier.

Anyone who chooses to be sex-
ually active should play safe. It
doesn’t matter who you are or if
you are gay or straight. “Nice”
people get herpes and straight
people get AIDS. It’s not who you
are that gives you a sexually
transmitted disease—it's what
you do. Protect yourself.

- Dry kissing

- Masturbation on healthy skin

+ Oral зек on a man with a con-
dom

+ Urinating on unbroken skin

+ Touching, massaging, fantasy

LESS RISKY

* Vaginal intercourse with a con-
dom

* Wet kissing
* Anal intercourse with a condom
RISKY

+ Oral sex on а man without a
condom

* Masturbation оп open/broken
skin

* Oral sex on a woman

DANGEROUS.

* Vaginal intercourse without a
condom

* Anal intercourse without a con-
dom

* Urinating into mouth, vagina or
rectum

+ Sharing a needle

- Fisting

+ Oral-anal contact

ADVICE FOR THE GAY COMMUNITY

For women;

Lesbians are not at high risk of contracting or transmitting the AIDS virus at this
time unless they use LV drugs or have unsafe sexual contact with people in risk
groups. However:

* Increased antigay hostility and discrimination as a result of AIDS hysteria affect
lesbians as well as gay men.

+ Insemination choices and co-parenting options have been limited by AIDS.

For men:

For men who have sex with other men, the easiest route for passing HIV is receptive
anal sex (getting fucked). This is true for two rcasons. First, anal sex involves semen
(cum), the body fluid that contains large amounts of HIV in an infected person.
Condoms (rubbers) can interrupt this route by catching the semen before it touches.
the receptive partner. However, condoms can tear or slip off and, therefore, are not
100 percent effective. Second, anal sex involves the lining of the bowel, which pro-
vides little protection against the virus. It is designed lor absorption of fluids into the
blood stream. It is also easily damaged during anal sex or douching, which in turn
provides an even casier route for HIV to enter the receptive partners body. The
man who inserts may also be at a lower but real risk of HIV entering through breaks
in the skin of the penis. Safer sex mcans avoiding this very risky route of transmis-
sion or at least lowering its risk by using condoms (rubbers) faithfully.

MAN
TO
MAN

Sexually Transmitted Diseases have reached epidemic proportions.
‘The results can include infection, infertility and, in some cases, life
threatening illness.

The following guidelines help promote responsible, safe sex.
Consider abstinence. . .or. . .oulercourso—thoro aro many

ways to express affection without having intercourse

Know thyself—be aware of any possible signs of infection
(such as sores, unusual discharge, foul odor, burning with
urination)

Know thy partner—sco Know Thyself (look before you leap)
Limit number of sexual partners.

Don't have sex with someone who has bad multiple partners
Never have sex if you have an active infection

Don't have sex li your genitals are already Irritated

Wash carefully before and after sex. . . hands too

Use condoms—realize that this will significantly reduce but not
completely eliminate risk

Urinate after Intercourse
Avold high risk sexual practices such as anal sex
Always sook medical treatment if you suspect an infection

The first letter from James David
Moseley arrived last April

“Dear Si

“The purpose of this letter is to ask
for your help. | am being held in a
Georgia prison for the crime of sodomy
(per linguam in vagina). | committed
this act in private with my ow
She is over the age of 21. I was convict-
ed under the Georgia sodomy statute
for simple consensual sodomy—a law
that penalizes nonaggravated, nonvio-
lent sodomy between consenting adults
with a sentence of up to 20 years.
‘Although she was an accomplice,
wife was neither charged nor tried. I
was sentenced to a total of five years.
Tm to serve two years in prison and
three more on probation. Probation in
Georgia can be revoked for as little as a
traffic violation, a D.U.l. or an arrest
without conviction.

“My life has been virtually destroyed.
1 have lost everything, including my
now a convicted felon, con-
ult, I will
not be allowed to visit or have custody
of my children. 1 cannot even be
paroled to a Georgia halfway house,
since Georgia will not accept convicted
sex offenders in its halfway houses. The
state will accept convicted murderers in
the same halfway houses.

"p believe the Georgia sodomy
statute violates the Equal Protection
Clause of the Ith Amendment, is cruel
and unusual punishment under the
Eighth Amendment and violates the
basic privacy guarantees of the Federal
Constitution. I would sincerely appreci
ate your help."

Sodomy is against the law in 95 states
and the District of Columbia. In 1986,
the Supreme Court upheld the right of
Georgia to prohibit and punish consen-
sual sodomy between gays—the same
law that had been used to incarcerate
Moseley for heterosexual sodomy. De-
fenders of sodomy statutes always say
the law is symbolic, that it is never en-
forced. The cold steel bars of the Metro
Correctional Institution are very real,
as Moseley would testify. How did this
injustice come to pass?

After the initial letter, Playboy con-
tacted Moseley at the Metro Correc-
tional Institution in Atlanta and asked

for more information. He sent a second
letter and detailed more of the circum-

THE SEARCH FOR SEXUAL FREEDOM

one man's story -

stances: “Thank you for your letters
You've restored some of my faith. Lam
an honorably discharged Navy veteran
with a commendation for saving the life
of another Navy air crewman. Lam a
member of the PTA. After finding evi-
dence of my wifes infidelity, 1 went to
see an attorney regarding divorce and
custody of my two sons. He suggested 1
move ош of the house. I rented an
apartment but continued to spend
three or four nights a week at the house
to be with my sons."

One night, his estranged wife asked
him to tie her up and have sex. He tied
her feet and had oral sex with her but
felt that sumething was wrong. He left.

“My wife brought the initial charges.

“Най Mr. Moseley committed this
crime with a deceased donkey in
the public square, he could nut
have been sentenced to as
long in prison. . . .”

Her reasons? To get custody of our tw.
boys. She is a vengeful, spiteful person.

According to newspaper clips sent by
Moseley his wife, Bette. Roberts, be-
lieved that all's fair in divorce: She ac-
cused her husband of two counts of
rape, two counts of aggravated oral
sodomy and t
anal sodomy for allegedly violating her
on two separate occasions in February
1988. The jury did not buy her story (in
t because her own sister testified in
Moseley's defense that she had an ulte-
rior motive in asking to be tied up: She
had learned that he had spoken with an
attorney and wanted to stage a pre-
emptive strike).

Moselevs second letter continued:
“The prosecutor [a woman] made it
seem like I had committed a capital
crime— Your mouth touched her vagina!
she screamed. 1 didn't even know what
going on. And I still can't believe all
this. It was presented to the jury as
though I were the lowest, most degrad-
ed piece of scum on earth because my
mouth touched her vagina. 1 felt like
some sort of human sacrifice to appease

DATEI

Georgia's tribal gods. What hypocrisy!
As though the prosecutor's mouth had

The jury of nine women and three
men found Moseley innocent, but
Judge William Н. Ison, "a self-de-
scribed country boy,” instructed them
to find him guilty of the lesser charge
because on the stand he had admitted
having oral sex with his wife.

It’s on the law books," Ison said. “It's
a criminal offense. I'm sworn to uphold
the laws of the state of Georgia.”

Moseley was sentenced to five years;
the Board of Pardons and Paroles later
ruled that he had to serve 30 months.
At the same time it was releasing 3000
felons—including robbers and murder-
ers—because of jail overcrowding, the
state found a place for Moseley.

We contacted the Georgia A.C.L.U.
and discovered that four lawyers were
already working on Moscley's release.
Clive Stafford-Smith, a lawyer with the
Southern Prisoners’ Defense Commis
te lel-
son of the A.C.L.U. Michael
Mears, mayor of Decat
a brief arguing that the lud
cation of the Georgia sodomy law vio-
lated the equal-protection clause: “Let
us review the state of play in Georgia
nd decide whether any conceivable
person could think this aspect of the
Georgia penal law reasonable.

“Mr. Moseley le for 20 years
in prison for his heinous crime. Had he
committed the same offense with his
wile after she was dead, he could only
have received half the time. Had he
had intercourse in the courtroom dur-
ing the trial, his punishment still would
have been less. Indeed, had he chosen
not his wife, but committed his oflense
with a donkey, he could only have re-
ceived one quarter the sentence. Я
Had Mr. Moseley cc ined this crime
with a deceased donkey in the public

; H. Judd Herndon and Ju
and

square, he could not have been sen-
tenced to as long in prison as for having
.. The law is

sex with his wife,
patently unconstit
Mr, Moseley in this case.

In September, ийде ovi
Moseley's conviction, in effect. saving
the statute did not apply to married
heterosexuals. Moseley gained his free-
dom—after 19 months in jail.

Who will be next?

EM ШЫ a аајебі Jad "^e әш бш тт“ Је), “Du [|

ISHS: HH

3618 уше Mo] puy “yg amewaig "піц
8184 Ul qnsag Aep uawom jueubaig Ag

Guryows :9NINUVM S.1VU3N39 NOJDUNS

When one is capable
ofhome runs,

why play foul?

Kirk Gibson

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: EDD IE MURP HY

a candid conversation with the top box-office draw in Ihe world

"Open the gate.”

Eddie Murphy, dressed in а typical at-
home outfit of spandex bicycle pants, athletic
jersey and cap, has just strolled down his
number-nine-shaped asphalt driveway to the
propertys edge. A guard in the security kiosk
nods uncertainly.

“Hey, open the gate,” says Murphy again,
signaling with an upraised hand.

The wrought-iron electronic portals to
Bubble Hill, his $3,500,000 colonial brick
minimansion in Englewood Cliffs, New
Jersey, part sluggishly and Murphy slides
through. “This is a pretty middle-class neigh
borhood,” he explains casually, turning left
and wandering down the street toward
nowhere in particular Its a quiet neighbor-
hood, with Bubble Hill the stateliest property
around. “I think they probably freaked out
and thought things were going lo gel wild
when I showed up in my leather pants.” he
says, chuckling. “But Fm a good neighbor
We're not loud; we keep to ourselves.”

Suddenly, Murphy stops and gazes toward
the house, across an acre and a half of plush,
sweeping lawn, lowering pines and cicadas
singing in the lingering dusk.
jon know whats interesting?” he says
“Pue lived here four years, and this is the first
time Fue walked ош of my yard.”

The admission does nol seem so surprising
Indeed, it adds credence to the current ru-
mors: Eddie Murphy thinks hes Elvis; Bub-
ble Hill is his Graceland; Murphy holes

“1 feel real old, real old. If you sec me naked,
my balls hang down to my knees and theres
gray hair on my balls. Thats when you know
you're nol young anymore. The more gray
hair, the mare sleepy your dich is.”

himself up with his “guys” and is more and
more a prisoner of his own success. Sort of
like Elvis in the slow lane, according to one
writer:

Interesting as speculation, but is it really
the case? Or does Murphy simply believe that
a little mystique goes a long way? He was
once readily available to the press, but his ac-
cessibility has diminished as his fame, fortune
and notoriety have risen. Mare and more, he
has limited himself to occasional jousts with
an interviewer and superficial promotional
activity, while around him swirl reports of
wild times al Bubble Hill, self-indulgence on
movie sets and lawsuits from former lovers.
So the questions simmer: Who is Eddie Mur-
phy, and whats gomg on?

On the surface, Murphy is a very middle-
lass black kid from Brooklyn, Born April 3,
1961, he had a dream of being in show busi-
ness that finally took shape the night he
stepped on stage, at 15, lo tell jokes at the
Roosevelt Youth Center on Long Island. Soon
he was refining his comedic talent at local
bars and in the Roosevelt High School audi-
torium. After graduation, he walked into
New York Comic Strip, impressed the owners
so much they became his managers and, at
19, was chosen for the all-new cast for “Sat
urday Night Lives” 1950-1981 season. He
thrived there for four years and, with such
characters as Tyrone, the jailhouse poet,
huckster Velvet Jones, Gumby, Little Richard
Simmons, Buckwheat and Mr. Robinson, Mr.

“Y have nothing against homosexuals. E think
an orgasm is your thing, and you should fuck
whorver the fuck you feel like fucking. Who-

ever makes you come the hardest. Anybody
who says you shouldn't, fuck them."

Rogers’ ghetto alter ego, became the show's
undisputed star.

In 1982, Murphy stepped up to the big
scien aud a promise of stardom with his first
movie, 48 HRS.” In just about that short a
time, he became а superstar. World-wide,
more than a billion dollars of box-office hits
followed: “Trading Places,” “Beverly Hills
Cop” "The Golden Child,” “Beverly Hills
Cop H” and “Coming to America.” Also, two
comedy albums, “Eddie Murphy” and “Eddie
Murphy: Comedian.” And an HBO special,
“Delirious.” And the highest-grossing concert
film ever, "Raw" And two music albums,
"How Could It Ве” and “So Happy.” And the
formation of Eddie Murphy Productions.
Few in Hollywood have ever achieved domi-
nation so quickly and completely.

There has also been trouble: a 1987 pater-
nity sul. A 1989 sexual-harassment suil,
bending resolution, by an actress fired. from
“Harlem Nights.” A lawsuit from his former
manager, claiming a percentage of Murphys
earnings, that was settled out of court. A raft
of plagiarism accusations over who actually
conceived the story for "Coming lo America,”
which was credited to Murphy. And lately,
charges from some in the black community—
such as director Spike Lee—that with all his
clout, Murphy is nal doing enough to help his
people. This, in addition to the guff he has
taken for the misogynist humor in “Raw”;
for flagrant gay baiting on the stage; for
starring in films that lately are, according to

“Pia

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RANOY O'ROURKE

“That shit about doing a movie ‘for the espe-
rience’ is for the birds. You get all these people
logether and the movie flops—and then
you've got that deferred-payment shit. Always
lake your money. Always, always.”

PLAYBOY

one critic, “soulless, self-serving junk.”

Good reasons to stay indoors? 1] so, there's
plenty at Bubble Hill to keep Murphy occu-
pied. For starters, the compound features a
glass-housed pool and attached cabana large
enough to accommodate а single-family
home; a state-of-the-art recording studio one
flight below the cabana, accessible by eleva-
tor; a basement screening room/minidiscol
game room, boasting high-gloss laminated-
wood decor and 15 TV monitors, stacked two
and three high, inset into corner walls; and a
gym, which doubled as an editing room for
“Harlem Nights.”

Then there's the house itself: spacious,
tastefully designed, with marble floors here,
fine woods there, a modern Betty Crocker
kitchen, formal dining and living rooms, li-
brary and the ever-present. Murphy pals!
cromieslemployees.

When Murphy does leave the premises—
for а meal, a movie, work, whalever—its in
а black Rolls, or a black Testarossa, or one of
the many cars parked on the basketball court
and usually in the company of his "boys," who
bracket Murphy's vehicle in a motorcade of
Mercedeses. On rare occasions, he may move
about in the company of a journalist—which
was the case with Playboy Contributing Edi-
tor David Rensin, who paid Murphy an ex-
tended visit at Bubble Hill. Rensins report:

“On my first night at Bubble Hill, I waited
for Eddie in his poolhouse When he finally
joined me, I was turning a ping-pong paddle
in my hand. You play?" he азса, picking one
up. 1 havent played for seven months, but
don't fuck with me) he cautioned. The game
was tough; Eddie felt no need to ingratiate
himself to an interviewer and smashed away,
putting nasty English on the ball at every op-
portunity. 1 lost, 21-12. 1 wish I could say it
was good manners, but it wasn't

“However, the game seemed to put him in
an excellent humor, leading to the impromptu
tour outside the gate.

“The next night's talk took place in Eddie
spacious office A single lamp cast a
confidential glow over us and shadows on
a mock Allas statuette of Eddie carrying a
Paramount Pictures globe on his shoulders.
To get comfortable, he punched the speaker
phone and ordered a box of Bazooka bubble
gum. It arrived instantly. For the next two
hours, we wadded chewed pieces into old
wrappers and set the discards on the desktop.
There was no trash can. "Dont worry, he
said. ‘Someone will pick it up."

Afterward, we played some more ping-
pong. I criticized his spins. He called me a
faggot. I called him a pussy. He blew the
point. He banged the table with his paddle.
He screamed. No good. Pretty soon, he was on
the losing end, 21-9. Га say it was good
manners, but it wasn't.

“A third, marathon session the following
week ended our talks. Thal night, I had din-
ner at Bubble Hill, with Eddie and his
boys. Among the dinner topics was the story
of a woman who, some years before, һай on

separate occasions declined to sleep with Ed-
die and one of his superstar friends. Eddie
didwt seem to mind having been turned
down. He was just confused. 'She slept on a
futon, he explained. You should have seen
her apartment. She let a hundred million dol-
lars of dich get away and she’s sleeping on the
floor

‘Lest Eddie be accused of purely prosaic
interests, he did reveal a spiritual side: He
crosses himself before all meals and has a su-
berstition about the number nine. ‘Nine is
God's number, he said, adding, ‘I was born at
seven pounds, two ounces. My first gig was
on July ninth. My L.A. address is twenly-sev
en twenty-seven.’ And the kicker: ‘My drive
way is shaped like a nine."

“Superstar interview subjects such as Ed-
die have been known to add spin to their an-
swers in an attempt to sound substantive, to
protect themselves. Al first, 1 thought that Ed-
dies unbridled candor was а kind of inexpe-
rience; he hasn't given many long interviews,
certainly none this long. But I soon realized
that, while sincere, Eddte Murphy is never-
theless always intensely conscious of what he

"I don't do drugs;

T don’t eat peanut-butter-
and-bacon sandwiches;
I don't put foil on my
windows and sleep

for three days.”

believes keeps the public interested in him.
“Since much of Eddies press continues to

draw parallels between him and Presley, it

seemed the right subject with which to begin.”

PLAYBOY: Because of your phenomenal
success, elusiveness toward the press and
ever-present entourage, among other
things, you've been accused of leading a

E Ке existence. The m
compared Bubble Hill to Gracela
(rue that you've gone totally Elvi
MURPHY: hats bullshit. I don't do dru
dont cat. peanut-butter-and-bacon sand-
wiches; I dont put foil on my windows and
sleep for three days. They say that just be-
cause I'm a big E Presley fan. Besides.
[smiles], Bubble Hi much nicer than
nd. Elvis wasn't exactly an arbiter
taste. My mother decorated this

PLAYBOY: So we can discount the stories by
writers who've been unable to get through

guve become an Elvis to
er-like manager, Bob

Wachs?

MURPHY: bullshit, 100. My managers
work for me, and they do what 1 tell the
to do. Theres no one controlling me.
[Laughs] Come on. Hf you want r and
you cart get to somebody, you make it up?
PLAYBOY: But you are fond of Elvis. Is hc
your role model?

MURPHY: I'm fascinated with Elvis’ strong
presence, more than anything. Otherwise,
he's not exactly a great role model. His mu-
sic after the Filties kind of sucked, and he
did these horrible movies. But he was still
Elvis.

PLAYBOY: What do you mean by presence?

MURPHY: There was something about him
that made you have to look at him, even if
you didnt give a fuck about him. I guess
that special shit is what ma anybody fa-
mous—and he had more of it than any-
body. lts like when you watch Michael
Jackson dance: Every move is deliberate.
Or the way Prince dresses: He looks so
comfortable that he can get away with it
and make it look cool. Hf anybody else put
on pumps, he'd look silly. Im just а
by hi uddenly stands, stretches] |
оп upstairs.

[Murphy leads the way through a wood-
paneled den, featuring a pool table covered in
red felt, into the marble-fioored hall, up the
stairs and through а door on the second floor:
The carpet is French vanilla and the walls
(one mirrored) are decorated with framed
Elvis memorabilia. Lots of it. Murphy sits be-
hind a large glass desk.]

PLAYBOY: So this is the Elvis room. They
dont allow anyone upstairs in Graccland.
MURPHY: Elvis keeps bis privacy even in
death?

s. By the way, do you think Elvis

the stuff that’s framed. But Гуе got no pic-
tures of him looking bad, like when he got
fat. That wasnt a cool El
PLAYBOY: You must not I
bert Goldman book, then.

MURPHY: Fuck, no. But Elvis is dead and he
defend himself, so you can say a lot of
shit that will make people read the book. I
read it and I wondered, too, Oh, shit! Do
you think he did that? Look, I'm just a fan,
an. Why does anybody like Elvis? This is
t surface stuff for me. People think it
deeper. It doesnt. Everybody has

liked the Al-

j
gor

somebody he likes. I still have a lot of fan
in me.

connection to Elvis?
MURPHY: Emotional connection? I

PLAYBOY: Maybe you sit by yourself
and ch videos or movies?

MURPHY: Yeah, sometimes. I watch This Is
Elvis a lot, and sometimes ГП take—this is

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PLAYBOY

gonna really make me sound like а lu-
natic—an Elvis video and ma play on
all the television sets in the house, so that
everywhere you walk, there's Elvis playing.
PLAYBOY: Why?

MURPHY: Because Elvis is cool! [Laughs]
this funny to you?
MURPHY: All of its funny One of the
fucked-up parts about being in the public
eye is that everything I do becomes a big
. Everything I do. I went to a restau-
rant one night and it was, like, "Who was
the mystery girl with Eddie at the restau-
rant?” Who gives a fuck who the girl was at
dinner? That kind of shit starts to get
after a while. Who cares?

PLAYBOY: Isn't it simply based on the my
goes along with being a super-

MURPHY: No. I just get reamed by the press.
The press builds you up and tears you
down. I'm in the teardown stage right
now For instance, 1 think the press wants
so bad for me to fail in a picture. The crit
ies were really unfair with Coming to Amer
ica, Really unfair. I liked that movie. But
people harp on the unsuccessful things 1
do. Things are still written about fucking
Golden Child, which made a hundred mi
lion dollars, saying it sucked, People sull
talk about Best Defense. It wasn't even my
movie, but it always gets three or fou
n a story. Most of the people who w
talk with me, I feel, want to get me. But I
understand it. "Thats the cycle. They can
only write so many good articles about you
before they're writing stuff they wrote be-
forc. A lot of my reluctance to speak is also
rooted in the idea of “Whats to talk
about?” For instance, after I do this inter-
view, 1 won't do another one for five years.
You never know who's gonna stick it to you
PLAYBOY: Maybe it’s because of the odd de-
ils you volunteer when you do talk to the
press. For instance, you've admitted to be-
ing a clean freak who takes several showers
a day and constantly washes his hands.
Why?

MURPHY: Because | always figure some-
body might have dug in his nose, or
atched his balls, or just dug in his ass.

E
"Then he comes to shake my hand, “Hey,
Eddie!” Sometimes you pee and get a little

pee on your hands and then its, “Hey, Ed!”
PLAYBOY: But besides that and a few other
eccentricities —
MURPHY: l'm a very normal person who
Just happens to be in show business.
PLAYBOY: Normal?
MURPHY: | have very normal thoughts
Theres nothing Гуе ever done that Im
hamed ol nothing that I regret
E I'm also one of the straightest peo-
ple 1 know, I don't say “Fuck very well.
A lot of what 1 do is for the people who are
in my life, and 1 don't relax and I dont sit
back and enjoy the things that have hap-
pened to me. I'm always thinking about
what I'm gonna do next.
ke a lot of stress.
MURPHY: My obligations are always on my
mind. People around me go, “Man, just

"Fuck it " But | can't. I'm too responsible.
PLAYBOY: Arent you at a level where you
could just let the chips fall?

MURPHY: The stakes are too high. I'm al-
ways thinking about who Гуе got to please.
Now I'm at the stage where Fm trying to
please everybody. Гуе stopped bei
artist and [ve started being a bu
man; Гуе begun

ive a fuck again
PLAYBOY: Do you think you might not have
made it this far if you'd put aside your dis-
cipline id "The hell with it"?

MURPHY: I'd probably be here, but Pd have
fucked under a tree and done some drugs
and had V n or someti

y аш a moment in
your life when you had the opportunity to
indulge but turned away?

MURPHY: When I first was on Saturday
Night Live. John Belushi and another
median, whose name | won't say because
he's alive and I don't want to fuck his name
up, took me to a blu They put blow
out on the bar and they said, “C'mon, have
a sniff.” And I really admired these guys—
I was nineteen or twenty years old—so I
was real close to doing it. But I didn't. I just
didn't. That was the closest Га ever come
to experimenting with drugs. I was in a
circle that was supposed to be hip, and the
people I was looking up to in that circle
werc all doing it. I just didn't do
PLAYBOY: Was the namcless comic
else on Saturday Night Live?
MURPHY: No.
PLAYBOY: When Bel
think of that moment?

MURPHY: When Belushi died, I thought,
Whal a waste, basically. Thirty-three years
old and dead from some fucking cocaine.
It's stupid, man. All that shit is stupid. Peo-
ple die really young. If 1 croak in an air-
plane crash, ivs fate. Nobody can call me
stupid. These people who croak from
drugs in their thirties and forties, before
they've even lived, are killing themselves.
Belushi was a baby. Elvis Presley, as much
as he lived, he was a baby when he died—
forty-two years old, man! Stupid! Freddie
Prinze. 1 feel some sympathy, but then the
other side of me goes, Jesus Christ, thats so
fucking stupid!

PLAYBOY: Your attitude on drugs was ahead
of its time. And you say you know who you
are—which most people dont. So arent
you really more than just “normal”
MURPHY: But Um still normal. Fm not ex-
traordinary. Dont I seem like a normal
guy? [Pauses, then says firmly] Um a normal
guy. [Grins] I am. 1 could play that movie-
star, Hollywood-bachelor shithead role if 1
wanted то. I could have а bevy of beauties
around the pool and walk around with my
robe on and all that shit. 1 could do that.
PLAYBOY: You mean you don!
MURPHY: No. I never had that trip. Гуе had.
parties at my house, but no “Here comes
Ed" kind of lifestyle. Im not saying that
of life is weird or bad, just that that's.

someone

hi died, did you

extraordinary, and I don't live it.

PLAYBOY: That's your perception of other
movie stars’ lives?

MURPHY: | picture them walking around in
their robes going, “Oh, hello Cary
Grant.

PLAYBOY: Are you sure you know what nor-
is? You've said you think guys like
Stallone and Michael Jackson are

normal,
MURPHY: Given their level of populai

and power, they could be a lof stranger
than they are. You'd be surprised how nor-
mal Stallone and Michael are. People re:
think Michael isa fucking lunatic, and hı
extremely normal. The only thing abno
mal about him is that he doesn't use pro-
fanity. At all. I'm always thinking, Jesus, 1
would have said "Shit" to get my point
across. I would have said "Fuck tha
PLAYBOY: W do
among themselves?
MURPHY: About anything except music and
movies and shit. We talk about stuff that’s
happened in our lives. One of the weird
bout being friends with an enter-
s that both people are reaching out.
But there's something morbid about it, be-
cause you talk about weird shit that’s hap-
pened to you.

Arsenio [Hall] is the only entertainer 1
п call up and talk to about anything.
Somebody'll be on TV and we'll call up
and bc goofing on the person over the telc-
phone. Anybody else is show business,
show business, show business; they're all
mice people, but 1 guess we have ou
guards up. You want to know who's really
your friend and who just wants to hang out
with you because you're who you arc.
PLAYBOY: Do you have trouble figuring out
who's a yes man and who isn't?
MURPHY: The people around me aren't pat-
ting me on the back every minute. Most
things I hear are when people tell me
about something shitty they heard about
me or something fucked up that's getting
ready to come out in the paper. So I have a
really low self-image sometimes
PLAYBOY: What's your predominant emo-
tional state?
MURPHY: Controlled. l'm just a very di
plined person. If I feel myself getting too
close to something, I know Гуе got to cut
afl If I feel myself getting real sad about
something, I avoid that, too. I dont think
it's unhealthy to experience the real highs
and the real lows; I just think one should
travel at a safe speed
PLAYBOY: You sound like one of your
heroes, Mr. Spock.
MURPHY: No. | have emotions, but I have
them in check. Do Vulcans actually have
themz
PLAYBOY: Spock is half-hu
MURPHY: So he has to control his emotions,
too. [Smiles] Yeah, but £ laugh—though
maybe Spock laughs sometimes. Hell go
into his chambers and say, "Excuse me,
brothers, it be that green motherfucker!”
PLAYBOY: When was the last time you expe-
rienced great joy?

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PLAYBOY

MURPHY: When 1 found out I got Saturday
Night Live. I was nineteen. I went, "Yahoo!
Yippee!” [Pauses] 1 guess that’s not great
joy: I was just happy. Is great joy when you

shit? Do you make a loud
or “All right”

loud, fia?
Then I've never expei joy in
my life. I've never ge и” No

great joy for me, not yet in this life.
PLAYBOY: Vou ve said you don't get angry:
1 get angry But I dont show it. I

leave.

PLAYBOY: What kind of
could you have?

MURPHY: I have to stay on top of it; still got
to pay taxes; everybody's problems become
my problems. I have fifty-two people who
whenever somebody has a
1 problem, it winds up on my desk.
nd-so's light bill is fucked up. and the
light bill becomes my problem. 1 figure, 1
pay him a salary, why do I have to pay his
light bill, too?

PLAYBOY: Whats your net worth? Do you
keep track?

MURPHY: Yeah, but its personal. m still
paranoid about that shit. [ know how much
money I have, give or take a dime
PLAYBOY: Forty million dollars? Eighty
lion dollars?

MURPHY: Get the fuck оша here! 1 ain't gor
no fucking eighty million dollars. Nowhere
close. If I had, you think Га be doing this
shit? You think Га be working?

PLAYBOY: What would you do?

MURPHY: Jack shit! Га show up every year
nd fucking host the United Negro Col-
lege Fund Telethon, and that would be
fucking time to go out of the house. That's
all I would do.

PLAYBOY: What about your art?

MURPHY: [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: Eighty million bucks and art gocs
out the window?
MURPHY: Nah. Га be doing a lot more mu-
sic. I'd have a lot of double, triple albums
in my basement, unreleased. Га do a lot of
writing, reading, recording and writing
music. [vs the going out and performing—
acting, being on the set, playing the mu
sic—thats a drag. That's the work part
PLAYBOY: While we're Д
been саву gaining acceptance as a singe
MURPHY: Му first love has always been com
edy. Music started ош as a hobby when I
was younger. Right now, because I like do-
ing it, Im gonna continue. So call it a hob-
by that has gotten out of hand

у you stay hun-

money worries

financ

nil-

gryasana
MURPHY: I'm not as hungry as I am ambi-
tions. I dont have “the eye of the tiger"
anymore. Now I just want to do the best
movie or sing the best song I can. I don't
put limitations on myself. I dabble with a
lot of forms of expression, and thats good
for me as an artist.

PLAYBOY: Yet your art and its vast populari
ty have put some limitations on you. You'v

called your existence. xenophobic; vou
have a mistrust of strangers. Would vou
change that if you could?

MURPHY: I chose it
this corner, Its re:
a person like me. Б

Fa person is genuine, it takes so
much to get to know the star that most
people say, "Fuck this, it ain't worth it. 1
didn't even want to be the motherfucker's
friend and I goua go through all this bull
shit? Fuck him!" So the star winds up by
himself.

PLAYBOY: But did you have any idea yo
wind up behind a brick wall?

MURPHY: I built the wall because I felt that
there was supposed to be a wall there. It's
like going to a premiere in a limousine as
opposed to going in a jeep. It’s part of tha
show-business bullshit. You're supposed to
have walls; if I had a chain-link fence, it
would look weird. I didnt anticipate the
negative, no. But I accept it

PLAYBOY: As you accepted—or anticipat-
ed—success?

MURPHY: I think that the one thing every-
body who's successful in this business can
tell you is that he knew. Гуе asked that
question of everybody famous Гуе ever
met, and they all say, “I did.” They be-
ieved. They had faith that they were go-
ing to anain it. You'll never hear of a
person who got really famous saying, “1
hever thought this would happen to me.
This is a fluke.” People might luck out and
get a hit record; they found a nice groove
and weren't prepared for it. But if youre
talking about famous, they all knew it.
PLAYBOY: Do you mourn thc loss of the days
when you could just have pal
MURPHY: You have four or five true friends
in a lifetime. My truc friends—the guys I
hung out with when 1 was in junior high
school and high school—work for me.
There's nobody who's just around mc get-
ting jerk-off money. I can scc the job get-
ting done.

PLAYBOY: Would you rather ve your
chops busted or your ass kissed by the peo-
ple around you?

her have my
think anybody would. But I'm notan idiot;
1 know if I'm being an asshole, Don't ki
my ass if Im being an asshole. Let me
now when I did something wrong. How-
ever, I'm the most disciplined person
around, so its very rare that Im fucking
up or being irrational

PLAYBOY: Do you expect the same kind ої
discipline from your people?

MURPHY: No. No. See, Im a different type
of megalomaniac. Pm megalomaniacal
about what I do. I know I've had a certain
level of success as an enterta
no doubts about that. But as far as being а
person goes, | have a lot of shortcomings. 1
have a lot of insecurities. But Im a pretty
normal person, a very well-rounded, very

ner, so | һам

disciplined person. Im not an asshole
much, personally
PLAYBOY: Desp

trary?

suggestions to the con-

[Wide eyes] You
n asshole. You'll hear th
natic. A freak. Or a dope addict, but not an
asshole. [Smiles]

PLAYBOY: Dont you ever just want to be
alone
MURPHY: The only time Fm ever really
alone is when I hop into my car and drive
off. 105 therapeutic. I drive into the city
and cruise around fucked-up neighbor-
hoods.

PLAYBOY: Secing what the poor folks are
doing? Do you take the Rolls or the Ies-
tarossa?

MURPHY: Nah. Something inconspicuous. 1
drive, I talk to cops, I sce shit happen
sometimes.

PLAYBOY: How do the cops react to chatting
with you?

MURPHY: Cops are cool. I don't go to the
same places all the time. But if I see some-
thing going оп, I pull over and talk to the
cops. I feel like l've got to keep in touch
with reality If I stayed here at Bubble Hill
and didnt read the newspapers and have
my people around me, I wouldnt know
what the fucl going on. Thats why I
go out and drive around. I sec people on
crack. Crack is crazy, man,

PLAYBOY: You drive through crack neigh-
borhoods?

MURPHY: Yeah. I stop au
“What the fuck are you doing?" Y used to
give them money. 1 used to say, “You've got
to get your life together.” Fd lecture ther

and say, “Get off the street.” But I realize,
from what I know about crack now, all
those motherfuckers do is smoke crack. So
they'll sit there and listen to a lecture and
go, “Yeah, thanks, brother,” and go smoke
my fucking money: I realized I was duing
more harm than good.

PLAYBOY: Do you stay in the car or get out?
MURPHY: I get out of my car and talk to
people. I'm not worried about anything
happening to me, because the idea of me
pulling up in a crack neighborhood and
talking to somebody is, well. he crack.
ks because it’s Eddie Mur

у So even if he thinks about doing a
crime, everything is happening too quick.
a Twilight Zone kind of thing.

I've sat crackheads down in my car
talked to them: “Whats wrong with you?"
Гуе talked about their f
they don't want to do drugs. I've se
ple crying and all that kind of sh

ask additis,

ies and how
n peo

h
I hope Hc

ack-addict tears
spire them to do

something,
PLAYBOY: Did a

ny of them ever reach you
ward, by mail, and
y "Fm cracked up"? Cr.
e letters. They say, "Fi
smoke this stamp money

PLAYBOY: No, did anyone ever let you know

kheads
gonna

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PLAYBOY

that your talking with him made a differ-
ence? Changed his life?

MURPHY: No one's ever contacted me. But
ning their lives around is something

they have to do themselves. [Smiles] Now
have crackheads looking for me

I'm gon
and shit. If they read this interview, crack-
heads are gonna be on the corners going,
“Eddie might drive through. give us some
of that advice shit. We bust his ass and take
his watch.”

PLAYBOY: You keep saying you're normal.
What do you think accounts for the pub-
lic’s fascination with you?
MURPHY: I dont think people are
ed with me. I'm just a funny guy,
ple enjoy my movies. I make them laugh.
And that's as far as it goes. This is che deal:
A guy wants 10 sec a movie with his girl-
friend. He'll say, “Lets go see this horror
And the girl will go, "No, lers go
boy-
friend doesn’t want to see that because
Cruise is too handsome. So they settle on
my movie. The girls go to see Cruise by
themselves; the guys see the horror movies
by themselves; but you go to my movie оп а
date. I'm not a threat; I make you laugh.
PLAYBOY: Your latest movie, Harlem Nights,
really is your movie. Not only do you actin
it, you wrote, produced and directed it. To
take just one of your hats, why direct it?
MURPHY: I'm stuc this weird position.
Directors have big egos, and really big di-
rectors have huge egos. Most directors,
when they become stars, don't want to work
with big, big actors. They work with no-
name actors or character actors so they can
be in control. Also, when it's time to put a
project together and I want to get a big di-
rector and get moving fast. these directors
arent available for three years. Only
schleppers are available. Rather than get a
half-assed job, I figured I might as well do
it myself

PLAYBOY: What makes a good director?
MURPHY: You have to have focus. You have
to know what you want. You have to have
an open mind. Nobody's right all the time.
I'm not a power freak. Im always very
cool.

PLAYBOY: Would you work with a won
rector
MURPHY: It all depends on what she had di-
rected, And if she was really comfortable
with the fact that she was a woman and
didn't have to prove to me that she was in
charge. Like Penny Marshall: Fd. work
with her in two seconds. In one second. 1n
fact, I have to go work with Penny right
now. [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: You could have directed Coming
to America but didn't. Why?
MURPHY: I wanted to help out [the di
John] Landis. I figured Га give this guy a
shot because his career was fucked. But he
wound up fucking me.

PLAYBOY: What happened?

MURPHY: As it turned out, John always re-
sented that I hadn't gone to his Twilight
Zone trial. 1 never knew that; 1 thought we
were cool. Bur he'd been harboring it for a

an di-

ector,

year. Every now and then, he would make
Іше remarks, like, “You didn't help me
out; you dont realize how close I was to go-
ing to jail.” I never paid any mind
PLAYBOY: Did you think he was guilty?
MURPHY: I don't want to say who was guilty
or who was innocent. [Pauses] But if you're
directing a movie and two kids get their
heads chopped off at fucking twelve
o'clock at night when there ain't supposed
tobe kids working, and you said, "Action!"
then you have some sort of responsibility:
So my principles wouldn't let me go down
there and sit in court. Thats just the way I
am. If somebody in my family was guilty
of something, I wouldn't sit there for them
in a courtroom and say, “You've got my
support.” Fuck that. The most it would be
is, “Hey, you go work that out. I still love
ya; Fm still your friend."
PLAYBOY: So you ed Lan out of
friendship despite thinking he'd been ir re-
sponsible?
MURPHY: Yes. Неа done four fucked-up
movies in a row and I knew he'd spent a lot
of money on his trial. I went to Paramount
and said 1 wanted to use Landis. But they
had reservations: His career was fucked
up. But I said, “I'm gonna use Landis.” I
liked the guy. I used to always say that the
one fun experience I had with a direc-
tor—and Гуе worked with directors I rea
ly liked: Marty Brest, Walter
Scott—was with Landis, because he plays
around a lot on the set. I made Paramount
hire him.
PLAYBOY: Was he grateful?
MURPHY: He came in demanding lots of
money. Paramount was saying, "Hey come
on, Eddie, we're getting fucked here," but
1 made them pay his money. They bent
over backward. But after he got the job, he
brought along an attitude. He came in with
this "Em a director” shit. 1 was thinking,
Wait a second, I fucking hired you, and
now you're running around, going, "You
have to remember: I'm the boss, I'm the
director.
One of his favorite things was to tell me,
"When I worked with Michael Jackson, ev-
eryone was afraid of Michael, but I'm the
only one who would tell Michacl, ‘Fuck
you.’ And I'm not afraid to tell you, “Fuck
you." And sure enough, he was always
telling me, “Fuck you, Eddie. Everybody at
Paramount is afraid of you.”
PLAYBOY: /s everybody afraid of you?
MURPHY: 1 don't know. But I still figured,
Well, good! Because there’s no way they're
gonna respect me. They cant respect me. I
was twenty-six years old. Imagine me in
the office of a hfty-year-old guy in a suit.
Naturally, he'd look at me, a kid, talki
about “I want to do it this way” and he
¢ "Yeah, right. Sure, sure.” Then on top
‚ Fm this black man making de
mands. He'd look down his nose at me. So
if 1 don't have his respect, at least let me
have some fear. Let me have something
PLAYBOY: But Landis just gave you grief >
MURPHY: It got worse and worse. What first
put a bad taste in my mouth about him was

when, after he hired [co-star] Shari
Headley and all these other people, I said I
wanted to take everybody to dinner. I
didn't know anybody. But Landis grabbed
Headley and said, “You stay away from Ed-
die. Dont go near him, because he's gonna
fuck you and ruin my movie. He just wants
your pussy” I'm thinking, Wait, ooohhh,
nooo, that has nothing to do with being a
fucking director, He's a control freak, Just
assuming that I was trying to get the pussy
is onc thing; and even if I was trying to get
the pussy, for him to try to stop me from
getting it because he was directing the
movie, .. . He's got a lot of nerve. Plus, it
wasn't even about pussy.

PLAYBOY: Dicl you confront him?

MURPHY: I kind of ignored it
day, it ew "E told Michael,
you'" sto

Then, one day, I had these two writers
who did the screenplay for Coming to
America with ine. They were writing a TV
show called What's Alan Watching? that my
company was producing, They were at our
location in New York, and Landis was ask-
ing them, “Why are you guys here?” They
said, “We're working on something for Ed-
die” And he said [strongly], “The produc-
tion's not picking that up.” And they said,
“No, were working through Eddie's com-
pany: Right now, were waiting for the deal
to go through.” And Landis said, “So
youre not being paid yet? That company
should be paying you! Don't come to New
York unless you're being paid.”

The whole crew was standing around—
extras and actors—and Landis started
screaming, “Dont be afraid to ask Eddie
Murphy for his money. You go up and ask
for your fucking money!” | walked in and
he said, “Eddie! Your company is fucking
these guys out of their money! Guys, dont
be afraid to go up to Eddie and say, Fuck
you" " He's screaming about my deal mak-
ingin front of the cast.

PLAYBOY: What did you do?

MURPHY: I playfully grabbed him around
the throat, put my arm around him and I
said to Fruity, one of my guys, "What hap-
pens when people put my business in the
street?” And Fruity said, “They get fucked.
p 1 was kind of half joking. Landis
reached down to grab my balls, likc he also
thought it was а joke—and I cut his wind
off. Hc fell down, his face turned red, his
eyes watercd up like a bitch and he ran off
the set. Fuckin’ punk.
PLAYBOY: Did you go after
MURPHY: Nah. He came to my trailer later
and made this big speech. His voice was
trembling. And it all came out; that he
didn't think 1 talented, that the only
reason he did Coming to America was for
money, that he didn't respect me since 1
hadn't gone to his trial and all this bullshit.
АП this fucked-up shit. Called me igno-
rant, an asshole.

PLAYBOY: How did you take
MURPHY: I'm sitting there shattered; Um
thinking, This fucking guy: 1 bent over
ard to get this guy a job. He

But every
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PLAYBOY

probably won! even acknowledge what
appened. He didnt realize that his fuck-
ag career was wa

The next time you fuck around with me,
a whip your ass.” His Hollywood
shit came out then: “What do you mean,
‘whip my ass? That's not in our deal.” So I
said, “You're gonna have to give me either
some f pect. E want one of
them, because this is my shit and youre
working here. If the only way you can fear
me is knowing that the next time you fuck
up, you're gonna get your ass whipped,
finc." But Landis was fucked up: "Is that a
net or a truc-gross ass whipping Im gonna
get? What kind of ass whipping is i
PLAYBOY: Would you have whipped his ass?
MURPHY: If he had fucked

dering the consc-
quences of a lawsuit and criminal charges
The thing about an assault
па do it, make it
If it had come to that—me whip-

ing his ass—there wouldn't have be
some headline like DIE MURPHY PUNCHES
JOHN LANDIS IN THE FACE.” ГА have beat the
shit out of him, pur him in the fucking hos-
pital, almost killed him. Then, when the
headline read “EDDIE BEING SUED FOR AS.
saurr,” Га have said [humbly], “Yeah, I did
give him a horrible ass whipping; he de
serves some sort of compensation, because
1 did beat the shit out of him.

Anyway, it worked. He was afraid of me.
Hell probably пе admit it, but the
motherlucker was on his tucking toes for
the rest of the show and didn't fuck with
me for the whole rest of the picture.
PLAYBOY: When was the last time you a
ly whipped somebody's ass?
done anything like that
in years. But Га do it in a
don't get tired. {Laughs} That's my cl.
fame. They say Michael Jackson
Thriller, and Bruce Springstee
Boss, and Elvis is the King. l'm the guy
who can whip any actor's ass in Hollywood.
PLAYBOY: Think you can take on Arnold?
MURPHY: Arnold docs weights. He's an old
қау [Smiles] There's a difference between
having muscles and being able to fight.
I'm not saying Um challenging Arnold
Schwarzenegger, I'm just saying most big
guys arent necessarily the best fighters.
Besides, I wouldnt just punch somebody
n the chest. ІГІ fought seriously, Га go for
the throat, the eyes; I'm using chairs and a
piece of glass and fucking somebody up.
I'm not gonna stand there and get in a
fucking boxing position. I'm kicking in the
balls.

I used to box when I was a kid; 1 used to
take k: ll work out now. Pm not
punk and I think I can whip the average
actor’s ass. People in show business are bas-
ically soft. You know who else is real quick.
to fight? Arsenio. He's the only person I
think I wouldn't fuck with.
PLAYBOY: Let's move on. What do
of your acting?

MURPHY: | dont think Pm

w think.

tor. ma

matinee idol. Even the term movie star
sounds like I think I'm hot shit. Robert De
is + Al Pacino is an actor.
PLAYBOY: Don't you want to be com:
an actor?

MURPHY: [ want to do successful movie:
that's all. I want to be entertaining. In the
old days, there were people who were a
combination of actor and movie star; now
its either/or. The only person now who 1
think is both an actor and a movie star is
ick. Nicholson.

PLAYBOY: In Harlem Night.
Quick, is not entirely sympathetic. He even
Kills a woman. You play him as more sub:
ducd than your comic characters. Was that
ting?

MURPHY: 1 can act. Most movie stars c
act, but there's more artistry to being an
actor than there is to being a matinee idol
show up with a good jawline
An actor can move you,
even though he looks like shit. ЛЕП me or
ise, “Don't smile for the whole pic-
e" then see what happens. Thats a test.
Tell me not to raise my eyebrow. I got a
couple of ı 1 do to make it look 1
Tm acting.

PLAYBOY: Yet your comic characters
Foley or Reggie Hammond or
Akeem—can be memorable.
MURPHY: But that stuff's not hard to do,
man. Look at Al P э in Cruising, The
Godfather, Scarface, Dog Day Afternoon and
tell me that’s the same man. Fm under an
inch of make-up in my latest. movie, and
you ш see there's some Eddie Murphy
PLAYBOY: When will you do a serious role;
for instance, Malcolm X
MURPHY: I wouldnt star in that story, be-
cause it would detract from the scriousness
of the piece. People would be siting
around the first hour of it, just trying to
buy me. [Pauses] Ға produce it, though. |
met with Norman Jewison recently about
the Malcolm X story. He was going to do a
movie adaptation of Alex Haley's book The
Autobiography of Malcolm X, and he
to me about playing Hale ^
Malcolm ХУ могу. Рага!
Warner's, and now Warner's
Eddie, you want to be in Malcolm. A
suck our dick, Eddie, Fuck you!” So that
never happened. But Denzel Washington
is gonna play Malcolm X, which is a great
choice.

PLAYBOY: Your next project is а sequel to
your debut film, 48 HRS. Why
back to the well?

MURPHY: 49 HRS. the most imitated
movie of the Eighties. You can draw a line
rom it to Commando to Lethal Weapon to
Red Heat to Running Scared. And none of
them was as good as the original. Now
we've got the original cast, director and
producer. W de the one that every
body's trying to imitate, so we're trying to
go one better. 48 HRS. is also the best pic-
ture I've ever done, as an actor, but the
worst thing we can possibly do is try to re-
create it. This time, 1 see more character
zation, not bigger explosions.

idered

you go-

PLAYBOY: But won't audience
moments si
where Reggie takes control?

MURPHY: ГІІ never get that reaction from
an audience again. That was like watching
a baby get born. They went, “Oh, this guy's
gonna be doing movies for a whik
something special; it was like the birth of
а—1 hate to say this—movie star. You can
get born only once in this business, but you
can die over and over again. [Laughs]
Then you can make comebacks.

PLAYBOY: 15 #8 HRS. your insurance in
case Harlem Nights bombs? [Most critics
panned it]

MURPHY: I'm happy about the movi
Um proud of the way it turned out. ПУ
action-packed kind of pictu id n
ther was Coming to America. But 1 wanted
to get away from that because [the critics]
pigeonhole you Гог doing the same shit.
Hollywood, and Paramount, would love
for to turn Beverly Hills Cop into thi
Police Academy series, every couple of
months, until Beverly Hills Cop X. Ameri-
cans are creatures of habit: We like to do
the same shit all the time. Thats why TV
shows are so popular here. People like the
idea of meeting somebody every week on a
certain day, at a certain time, while sitting
in the living room

PLAYBOY: But you can do whatever you
nt

MURPHY: And that’s what Em doing. 1 trust
my impulses. Rather than go for the buck,
my impulse, after 1 did Beverly Hills Cop.
11, was to do something completely differ-
ent from the shit Га been doing. Golden
Child, Beverly Hills Cop, Beverly Hills Cop
1 were th me ch cler—Axel Foley—
three movies in a row. After a while, pco-
ple get tired of watching your shit.
PLAYBOY: How much did you get for 48
HRS.

MURPHY: Nick Nolte got two million dollars.
I got two hundred grand. I signed t0 do
Trading Places before 1 even saw 48 HRS.
on screen. And that wasn't for a lot of mon-
ey either, compared with what Dan
Aykroyd got. I got three hundred grand
Tor Trading Places, When 1 did 78 HRS., V
twenty twenty-one ycars old. Two hun-
dred thousand dollars? I thought I was the
hottest shit since the fucking spoon. Nick
Nolte? Shit, he deserves two million. He was.
in Rich Man/Poor Man! 1 didnt fucking
know, Then #8 HRS. made a hundred mil-
lion dollars world-wide

PLAYBOY: And you made a five
fifteen-million-dollar deal

s be expecting
lar to the bravado bar sce

It was

picture,
Para-

deal. upwards
you've compl
box-office

couple of ti
ved th

ез, lately
considering your
' the worst deal in

town.
MURPHY: 1 have a horrible deal at P:
mount. Absolutel

PLAYBOY: Will you renegotiate? Or will you
move the franchise to another studio?

I have three pictures to do with
nd two of them will be done
; maybe less: We're doing the

400 one dollar chips to gam. -

аот

raps blackjack, roulette, ete). T H
ш may r from

gs paid i SH. Keep what win. r
ксден. i Pe
of your own money. - |

CALL TOL
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PLAYBOY

next 48 HRS. in January, and in June,
they're trying to put together another Bev-
erly Hills Cop picture. Coming to America
and Harlem Nights were self-indulgent, in
terms of the commercial mold studios
so I figure with these big pictures just out
and behind me, I'll bein a good position. It
all boils down to whoever wants to be in
business with me the most; thats where
I'm going.

PLAYBOY: You mean whoever writes the
biggest check?

MURPHY: Yeah, it’s business. Whoever's gon-
na give me the most lucrative deal, that's
wher Im no fucking id-
iot whi а go, "Oh, no, I'm gonna stay
with Paramount and work for less money
because I've been here since the begin-
ning." Get the fuck outa hi
PLAYB( How do you
Warner's or Disney?
MURPHY: Warner's has a lot of money, and
its a powerful company. 1 have personal
relationships with people at Disney, be-
cause a lot of them were working at
Paramount when I started working there.
But the companies are so huge. So take a
studio like Columbia that's all fucked up.
right now and having bad luck with pic-
tures. It would be more to my advantage to
be with a smaller studio. At Di
Warner's, I'd be the icing on the сак
if I went to Columbia, I'd be the fucking
cake. [This part of the interview took place
just before Sony bought Columbia.] And if
nobody wants to give me a really lucrative
deal, ГЇЇ just go independent and do my
fucking movies myself.

PLAYBOY: You've also had some problems
over the authorship of Coming to America.
The lawsuits are piling up, including one
by syndicated columnist Art Buchwald.
Can you comment?

MURPHY: There are so many lawsuits be-
cause it's a public-domain story: The Prince
and the Pauper. But t just part of the
business. At first, | got really pissed off
about it, because there are at least six or
seven people—people I've never met be-
fore—c g they wrote the movie.
PLAYBOY: Well, we're not actually expecting.
you to say, “Yeah, I ripped it off.”

MURPHY: This happens all the time. There
will be people claiming they wrote Harlem
Nights, too.

PLAYBOY: Most of the Coming to America lit-

nagine life at

igants say they sent their material to
Paramount.

MURPHY: Yeah, to Р;
thing

mount. “I sent some-
milar to that to Paramount three
ago, and you sent it back. And now
Murphy comes up with an idea like
> None of them are saying they sent
something to Eddie Murphy. Most of the
nst Paramount.
you're nor even fü

cially in-

MURPHY: No, not at all.

PLAYBOY: At one time, you wanted
Godfather HI. What was that about
MURPHY: 1 pitched a story to Mario Puzo,
Francis Ford Coppola and Al Pacino. Ev-

o be in

erybody loved it, and then Pacino said,
ou know something? Everybody loves it”
means i'll never happen.” My idea was for
me and Stallone and Pacino to be in it to-
gether, Paramount thought it would be too
sive to do; it would have cost eighty
million dollars to get everybody together,
so before we could even shoot a roll of film,
we'd be forty or fifty million dollars below
the line.

PLAYBOY: How about deferring salaries and
taking a. percentage, just for the experi-
ence of working with the ensemble?
MURPHY: That "just for the experience" shit
is for the s. You get all these people to-
gether and the movie Hops—and then
you've got that deferred-payment shit. Al-

lw
PLAYBOY: Yeah, but what's a million bucks
here or there to you?
MURPHY: A million dollars here or there?
"Thats a lot of fucking money! I haven't lost.
sight of that. The average
work twenty years and not
dollars.
PLAYBOY: When you pay to go to a movie,
ke to see?
a good romantic movie, and

“The public ultimately
tells you what’s good and
whats bad. A critic can
talk about u film being
so fucking brilliant, but
if nobody goes to see it,
the movie isn’t shit.”

1 like a good action movie. 1 liked Rain
Man. 1 liked both Lethal Weapons. | liked
Nicholson a lot in Batman. ‘The public ulti-
mately tells you whats good and whats
bad. You, or a critic, can talk about a film
being so fucking brilliant, but if nobody
goes to see it, the movie isn't shit.

PLAYBOY: Do you think audiences simply
want unchallenging entertainment?
MURPHY: No, thats bullshit. Take a movie
like Rain Man, which isnt your Joe Aver-
age film. Are you saying that the same per-
son who would go see Porkys wouldn't go
sec Rain Man because Rain Man is a
movie that's intelligent and emotional and
has great acting in it—and it made two
hundred million dollars? And that's just
domestic. That stuff about “The American
public isn't sophisticated enough to appre-
ciate this sort of movie" is shit. Don't get
1 don't think Porkys is a great
iovie, but it made a hundred million dol-
0 there's something good about it. 1
ybody to sit and watch that movie
and not go, “Hey, some of that was funny"
1 myself laughing at shit that Fm
ashamed of, like fart jokes. Or when the
guy sticks his dick through the fucking

wall in the shower and the big woman
grabs it. If you don't think that’s funny,
you've got a fuckin’ problem. That's funny!
PLAYBOY: You mentioned a possible Beverly
Hills Cop Ш. Atone point, you resisted the
idea. Whats going to make it a sure thing?
MURPHY: Two years ago, I would have done
it for a great big check; now I need a really
great script and a good check. You know
what 1 thought would have been the ideal
Beverly Hills Cop Ш? Die Hard. Bruce
Willis did a real good job. It's one of those
movies 1 wish 1 was in.

PLAYBOY: Has your pal Stallone given you
advice about making sequels?

MURPHY: Only about how much ınoney you
could get trom the studios. Не said, "Don't
let them sell you short." And it's true. He
makes twenty million dollars just to step in
front of the camera. No matter what his
movie does, he's gonna make twenty mil-
lion. He said, "They dress you up; they put
make-up on you; and you go out and they
make millions and millions on you and you
get a little bit of it. When you get old, they
get somebody else to do your job and it's
over. Were whores.”

PLAYBOY: You act like someone twenty-eight
years old going on fifty.

MURPHY: 1 feel real old, real old. 1 look old.
If you see me naked, my balls hang down
to my knees and theres gray hair on my
balls. Thats when you know you're not
young anymore, T here's no such thing as a
young guy with gray hair. The more gray
hair, the more sleepy vour dick is.

PLAYBOY: That's not always true.

MURPHY: Your dick gets bigger as you get
older? That's an old man's myth. [Old Yid-
dish voice] “I'm ninety, but you should see
my cock. Hey, it's been growing for ninety
years. You tell ше how long it is. Why do
you think Im all hunched over? It’s
pulling this weight of my balls and cock
around all the time. Why do you think I'm
in this wheelch: I can't walk with this
long cock. I'm ninety, for Chrissakes. Why
you think my wife has no teeth? They
didn't fall out; I put my cock in there and it
blasted her fucking teeth out of her fuck-
ing mouth. My cock's the size of a person."
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about Little Richard.
MURPHY: Hah! Little Richard came to me
and said [in Little Richard falsetto], "I want
you to play me in my movie. Oooo, you'd
be so good!” Then I read the book The Life
and Times of Little Richard: The Quasar of
Rock and there was a lot of homosexuality.
So I started thinking, If I'm going to do
this movie, I have to really do it—and I
dont know how we're gonna shoot the dick-
in-my-mouth scene. I don't know how we're
gonna shoot the scene where I'm getting
fucked in the ass. I don't know how were
gonna have an au
shoot that scene unless | do a fadeaway of
lling back onto the bed. I don't even
п to have that scene.
That is a scary book. Litt
about how he once slept with a guy with
such a big dick that he knows what it feels
like when a woman has a baby. He was

screaming, "Woooo/ And 1 read that,
thi g, He wants me to do that? You cant
even show that scene afterward. What are
you gonna do, have me laying on the bed

on my stomach, with a little curl of smoke

bout the kissing scenes?
n not doing those scenes, either.

[Laughs]
PLAYBOY: Seriously, would you play a homo-
sexual character in a mo

MURPHY: Would 1 play a homosexual?
a comedian. [Smiles] It would
just have to be a movie where I say, “Hey,
this is great; Гуе really got to do this.” But
Т don't think I could do some movie where
1 was kissing some guy and shit like that.
PLAYBOY: That would be real acting.

MURPHY: | read something about a se-
quence in An Officer and a Gentleman
where they had to eat roaches. 1 ain't eat-
ing no bug and E aint kissing no man. Sor-
ry. If I'm notan actor because of that, so be
it, And if you want to go to the movies and
see me eat a bug and kiss a man, you hav
problem, not me. [Tough New York accent]
“Yeah, Murphy's good, but he doesn't eat
roaches in his films." [As movie reviewer
Gene Siskel]; “When's Eddie gonna cat a
beetle? Thats what | want to know”
[Smiles] You know, I could kill two birds
with one stone and do a movie where I suck
Ringo Starr's dick. Are you happy? l ate a
Beatle and sucked a cock at the same time.
[Laughs and laughs, then in Sishel's voice]
“Two thumbs ир... up the ass.
You got mixed reviews for your
at the 1988 Oscar ceremony. You
told the Academy that you almost didn't
show because they havent recognized
black people in motion pictures. Had you
planned that outburst?

didn't know exactly what I м

s. He said, “I don't know; it might
it.” He told me just to say what
M las to say ү to be funny.
But I just went, “Fuck it, ng for it.” 1
didnt want to make ee eringe. Im
surprised that so many people took of-
arren Beatty told me it was the
wrong time, and I'm thinking, Well, when
do you accuse the Academy of being racist
nd be heard—unless you're doing the
nominees for the best picture? They're all
ng right there. Where am I gonna
In Ebony? They don't read Ebon

B me film makers are trying
10 create some change—Spike Lee, for in-
stance. Yet when his film Do the Right

Thing was released last summer, he
seemed to be your most vocal cri sug-
gesting that with all your power, you

weren't doing the right thing.

itant, so the media love it.
he gets a lot of press by attack-
ing established people. I read something
where Spike said that blacks who get suc-
cessful and move away from poor people
should be shot, and that goes double for
Hollywood Negroes li m Cosby and
Eddie Murphy. And I went, “Whoa! Bill

judge anybody unt

Cosby and his wife just gave twenty million
dollars to а black college. They should be
shot for moving to a nice neighborhood?”
Tt has nothing to do with, “I'm gonna get
away from this black neighborhood."
What would Bill Cosby look like living on
fucking Dekalb Avenue in Brooklyn, in an

apartment? “I'm gonna stay here because
Spike thinks it's right.” Get the fuck outa
here!

PLAYBOY: That takes care of Cosby But
what have you done? What has your power
gained blacks in Hollywood?

MURPHY: Without me, I don’t think the stu-
dios would have put out a movie like Holly-
wood Shuffle, or backed I'm Gonna Git You
Sucka, or bought Shes Gotta Have It. Five
years ago іп Hollywood, all the studios
were thinking, We gotta get us a nigger.
We gotta get one. It was like a situation
comedy. This is why it’s weird when a guy
like Spike attacks me. He don't realize that
he's around because of the "Let's get us
onc, too" attitude.

Spike is gonna be a great director one
day. He has the potential. His problem is
that because he's so vocal, his stuff is now
going to be under heavy scrutiny. When

"Five years ago in
Hollywood, all the studios
were thinking, We gotta
get us a nigger. We gotta
get one. It was like
a situation comedy."

they go after that brother, they'll have so
much fucking ammunition that as soon as
he does something that people think is
bullshit, they're gonna go crazy on him.
Тһе thing people have to understand is
that I'm aware of the power that I have as a
film maker, as an actor and politically. But
people seem to think that I'm operating
without an agenda. But I have an agenda. 1
am also aware that change is something
that has to happen graduall ge is
something that has to be done . quietly.
115 not about going in there and rocking
the fucking boat. You can rock the boat,
or you can sail smoothly to your next
destination
PLAYBOY: Why do you choose the smooth

MURPHY: Because of what happens to any-
body who rocks the boat. Malcolm X.
Мића 1 Ali. Martin Luther
[Pauses] But don't think L hav
PLAYBOY: What is your agenda:
MURPHY: That's my business.
PLAYBOY: Why don't you want to share it?

MURPHY: Let's put it this way: You shouldn't
he’s finished doing

what [Bitterly] When they start
throwing the dirt into my grave, then you
сап look back and say, “This motherfucker
wasn't about shit.” Judge a person by all of
his accomplishments. You don't know what
Туе got planned; you don't know how
much money Гуе given to what organiza-
tions and what I want to do, or what my
overall view is of what 1 have to do as a
black man in this country. So dont sit
around and judge me. Dont say, "Go now,
Ed!” Fuck it, TI go when I'm ready to go!
ГІ say something when I'm ready to say it!
PLAYBOY: Have you given away much
money?

MURPHY: Гус given money to all kinds of
black foundations. But usually, when a per-
son gives a big donation, it's in the papers
because it's good PR. But I don't give mon-
ey to organizations for PR, 1 give money to
organizations that | care about. And it's

PLAYBOY: Without revealing your agenda,
what would you like to see happen, ideally,
for blacks in Hollywood?

MURPHY: My dream is just to have black
artists appreciated as much as white
artists. 1 want us to be able to win Oscars,
to do films about our people when we want
to, to get films made, to do what we want to
as artists. There shouldn't just be Eddie
Murphy and Richard Pryor in movies. You
can think of fifty white leading men.
There are only ten brothers who are work-
ing consistently in leading roles: Eddie
Murphy, Richard Pryor, Danny Glover,
Gregory es, Arsenio Hall, Spike Lee,
Robert ‘Townsend, Denzel Washing-
ton, Forest Whitaker and, recently, Keenen
Ivory Wayans. If you want to do black ac-
tresses, Whoopi Goldberg—that’s it
PLAYBOY: Since you think change must be
gradual, have you purposely soft-pedaled
your artistic and political
think you've chosen popu
stead of challenging films. In other words,
must the black experience be diluted to
make it palatable or salable to America?
MURPHY: No, because the things 1 do aren't

ica is a poli
all-black cast and a black stai
black people in a positive light, and yet it
a movie for everybody. But that’s as polit
cal as ТЇ get.

PLAYBOY: Movie critic Armond White, of
The City Sun, a black-owned New York

film wa

nd self-

He likes those struggle pictures; movi
that deal with the plight of the black man
nd “the system.” He likes Spike Lee and
Tony Browns Journal. Have an ор
I'm not a politician, and I dont use the
movie screen as a pulpit. I understand th
Lamina very political positio
man and I can reach the mas:
real easy to go [agitated], “More
I'm not a radical. There's always gonna be
somebody on the top and somebody on the
bottom. And ible that the person

PLAYBOY

on the bottom doesn't think that the ре
son on the top is doing it right, and if he
were on top. he would do it another way.
PLAYBOY: Let's look at blacks on IV. How
do you feel about the criticism that The
Cosby Show is unrealistic and unrepresent-
ative of black America?

MURPHY: The Cosby Show is no more ridicu-
lous than Father Knows Best. Ws not Joe Av-
erage America on either show. There are
probably more than one or two families
like the Huxtables, but sure, it's not what
the masses are like. Most white families
weren't like Father Knows Best. The Cosby
Show is positive imagery, however much
fantasy it contains. Most black families
aren't like Good Times, either. It just took
us this long to have a show like Cosby's and
have it be successful.

PLAYBOY: What did you think of one of the
first successful so-called black TV
Amos "n Andy?

MURPHY: As
episodes are, and they're certainly not pos-
itive images, Amas "r^ Andy made me laugh
because the guys who played Kingfish and
Andy Brown were very funny people. But
thats progress. If that show had nor been
оп, there could never have been another
show afterward. As far as Bill Cosby goes,
when it comes to making positive images
for black people, heres a guy who in the
Sixties had a show about a black gym
It was a very pol show. It
didn't stay on very long, but that sucker wa
a steppingstone to other shit. Acceptance
the only thing. That's what my movement
is: acceptance.

PLAYBOY: Do you think there has bee
much advance in how blacks are portrayed
sexually?

MURPHY: Cosby and his wife are always af-
fectionate and there is always sexual innu-
endo about what they want to do. They're
always playing some jazz music and sneak-
ing off upstairs. So there is some element
of sexuality on The Cosby Show, and it’s
very tastefully done. But certain things call
for it and certain things don't. There's no
sexuality in my Axel Foley movies. The one
thing in 48 HRS. that I didn't like was the
relationship between Nick Nolte's charac-
ter and his girl: What does that have to d
with the story? We're chasing these bad
guys, and every now and then, he stops
and goes [in Nolte’ voice], “Honey, Um sor-
ry I cant make dinner tonight, I'm chasing
this killer.”
PLAYBOY: Is Ameri
ашу?
Well, you've heard about us and

shows,

ridiculous as some of the

a sull afraid of black

PLAYBOY: Heard but not verified.

MURPHY: Well, thats good. Га hate to think
I was sitting here with a reporter who had
seen a lot of dicks. [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: In The Best of Eddie Murphy: Sat-
urday Night Live video tape, its clear t
you did a lot more black-oriented stuff
then than people may now remember.
MURPHY: 1 was a nineteen-year-old kid.

The only thing I had done was be black
PLAYBOY: When you first got to Saturday
Night Live, do you think they expected
other Garrett Morris?
MURPHY: Absolutely. It was just tokenism.
They just threw me in there to be the black.
guy on the show. They had no idea what
was going to happen. ГА been on а year
nd they still didt realize anything wa
happening.
PLAYBOY: How about rating some of the
Saturday Night Live alumni in their transi-
tions to movies? Start with Chevy Chase.
MURPHY: Chevy did great om that “I'm
Chevy Chase and you're not” thing, he’s
become a big movie star. He makes six, sev-
en million dollars a picture
PLAYBOY: How about Dan Aykroyd?
MURPHY: Danny was alway
n the beginning. It wa
star now, to
PLAYBOY: How do you feel abou
his movie choices?
MURPHY: You can't attack someone for his
picture choices. A lot of people have done
fucked-up movies. I've done them. You
awi tell from reading the script. I didnt
ke the script for Beverly Hills Cop IT. 1
liked the script for Golden Child. But who
knows? Doctor. Detroit might have been a
wonderful script. Just fucking with you,
Danny. [Langhs]
PLAYBOY: How about Bill Murray?
MURPHY: He's in great shape: he's the one
who most wanted to be a serious actor. Bi
ly can go either way and do whatever he
wants. All the flak he got for The Razors
¿dge is still no reason not to do serious shit.
Bill's a good actor. He's the most versatile
actor of us all.
PLAYBOY: How do vou look back at your
own Saturday Night Live experience?
MURPHY: When I left in 1984, I told ever
journalist that I hated the show. But in r
rospect, it was the most fun 1 ever had. I
loved working with Joe [Piscopo] and Tim
azurinsky]; I loved constantly being
der the gun and having to write all the
ic. The criticism we got because we were
‘those bastards who came along after
Belushi” gave us a tougher skin. Ever
body said, “Hey, you the new guys on Sat-
urday Night Live? Well, fuck you! Your
show sucks!” And we were busting our ass-
es up there, sixteen hours a day, writing
this fucking comedy. When we finally ov
came that, we did some good shows.
PLAYBOY: Do people still seem to think of
you in terms of Saturday Night Liv
MURPHY: Thal seems like a real long ume
ago. When I watch those old tapes, it
weirds me out. Fm like this kid. Sometimes
I watch sketches and dont remember do-
ing them. I do remember going through a
period when people would scream out
characters from Saturday Night Live—
Buckwheat or Mr. Robinson or Gumby—
and it would really piss me off. I wouldnt
turn around, It bothered me, because 1
was Eddie, you know?

Today, somebody will screa

more of a

his nature,

out some-

thing from Saturday Night Lice, but my re-
action is, “This motherfucker has a good
memory.” The good thing about Saturday
Night Live is that | got to do so many dif-
ferent things that no one can pin just one
character on me. Un Eddie Murphy now;
no matter how you cut it

PLAYBOY: Do you still work on characters
and impressions?

MURPHY: I never worked on them. When 1
id. 1 used to go into the basement
and practice. But now I can just hear some-
one and tell if I can imitate him.
PLAYBOY: Asa kid, did you practice in front
of the mirror?

MURPHY: Yeah, I was crazy. I used to give
shows in my basement and the edge of the
carpet was the stage. l'd be Elvis and Al
Green and Stevie Wonder and do all this
shit for imaginary audiences.

PLAYBOY: Was that a regular after-school
performance?

MURPHY: [Embarrassed] Actually, 1 cut a lot
of school. 1 graduated two months late. 1
had to go to summer school every year
from eighth grade to twelfth grade,
PLAYBOY: Were you popular in school?
MURPHY: Yeah. Even then, I was Eddie Mur
phy. 1 was voted most popular. I was like a
ішіс celebrity. I had already been on local
cable, | was hot shit. In high school, I used
to give assemblies. I did a show for the six
grades over three days. My band played,
and afterward, I did an hour of materia
about the school: impressions of teachers,
students, hall monitors; there were rou-
ines about smoking marijuana behind the
school, and getting caught by the truant
officer, and cutting class, and detention,
and gym, By the third day, people were sit-
ing in the aisles.

The truth is, I knew what I was put here
to do. Until I was ten, I wanted to own a
Mister Softee ice-cream truck. But after
that, I knew I wanted to be in show bu
ness. [Smiles] My parents have pictures of
me with a fucking ventriloquist’s dummy.
rsenio has pictures of himself as “Arse-
io the Magician,” wearing a top hat.
PLAYBOY: Why dont you talk very often
about your natural father?

MURPHY: My parents broke up when | was
three and he died when I was eight. After
the divorce, he and I used to go out on the
weekends to movies, but I dont have a real-
ly clear memory of him. People tell me that

I walk like my father, hold my head like my
father; but 1 dont have а "Once my father
did this” story.

PLAYBOY: Is there any truth to the sugges-
tion that his death at the hands of a jealous
E

lover in some way contributes to your we
known distrust of women?

MURPHY: Nah. I dont trust anybody.
PLAYBOY: Whats your biggest fear? W
scares you the mo
MURPHY: [Long pause] 1 guess not being
able to take care of my family. That means
everybody in my family and my extended
family. My biggest fear is not being able to
be there for people who depend on me.

Anything else I can deal with.
PLAYBOY: Do you have female friends?
MURPHY: No. [Pauses] Everyones gonna
read that and think, Oli, he asshole; he
doesnt have any woman friends. Hey, if 1
want to play racquetball, I want to com-
pete. I don't want to hit the ball and hear
[high, prissy voice] "Oh, wait a second. Lets
do that over. That doesn't count.”
PLAYBOY: We mean friends in a mot
tional sense

MURPHY: You mean, is there a woman I just
call up and hang out with, or go to the
movies with, that 1 dont have any romantic
or physical interest in whatsoever? No.
PLAYBOY: How about somebody you were
once involved with who is now your friend?
MURPHY: When it’s over, it’s over.

PLAYBOY: But not all of your relationships
end badly, do they?

MURPHY: A lot of them end over something
stupid or fucked up, and its over. Even if
we just outgrow each other, shake hands
and go to separate corners, I don't sec
them anymore.

PLAYBOY: Would you like 10 have a female
friend?

MURPHY: It would be good for me. It would
give me some insight into a lot of things
that I dont understand and broaden my
scope. 1 haven met this woman yet, but
when 1 do, 1 wont it. A friend is a hell
ofa thing to have. With my guy fri
pretty much just talk about. women and
money and sports—and the system, poli-
tics. But as lar as friends go, there's no-
body I talk to about more than surface
stuff. 1 don't discuss me with anybody.
PLAYBOY: Maybe you've done so a bit in this
interview.

MURPHY: You think this
face stuff

PLAYBOY: If this is surface stufl, whats the
deep Eddie Murphy?

MURPHY: [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: Give us a look into the abyss.
MURPHY: You get ¿hal interview in five
ycars,
PLAYBOY: OK, then lets talk about wc
Just how do you feel about them?
MURPHY: I love women. I like the old-fash-
toned ones a little more. Fm not that crazy
about those feminists. | respect the
my preference is for one of those “Hello,
dear” women. “Hello, dear. How was your
day today?” Thats what I want.

PLAYBOY: What kind of pet names do you
think you'd like her to call you? You don't
want her to stick with just “honey,” right?
MURPHY: She can call me Mi
[Laughs] “Hello, Mr. Box Of
PLAYBOY: You do have а
though—Big Money.

MURPHY: Yeah, that’s stupid. Me and шу
buddy Clinton were joking around one day,
doing those characters that we did in Com-
ing to America, and we were pretending we
were pimps. 1 told him his name was
Sweetwater and he said mine was Big Mon-
cy—and it stuck. That was ten years ago
Now I'm ashamed of it. When my friends

emo-

deep? This is sur-

ien.

nickn

go, “Hey, Money!” I say, “Shh
PLAYBOY: What do your friends call you?
MURPHY: Yo, Ed. Hey, Ed. Eddie.
PLAYBOY: Who has to call vou Mr. Murphy?
MURPHY: When someone calls me Mr. Mur-
phy I say, ll me Eddie. Don't call me Mr
Murphy or Mr. anything. Women have
never given me a nickname, either. My
dick is crooked, and I thought I would get
a nickname because of that. Irs almost like
an R, though not quite as bent. I figured
someone would call me Hook Dick. But
women act like they never notice it
PLAYBOY: You're referring to the bend, not
the dick itself, right?
MURPHY: Right, [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: You raised the subject: we're just
following up: How does it bend—to the left
or to the right?
MURPHY: It's thi: [demonstrates by crook
ing his finger]. Ws like if l'm lying down
and she'sat the foot of the bed, it's pointing
right at her face. It's different. 1 think it
touches placcs—this is disgusting—that
don't usually get touched.
PLAYBOY: Ar ically
would be the G spot.
MURPHY: A good hook shot to the С spot.
[Laughs] This is disgusting! What are we
talking about?
PLAYBOY: Sex. And judging by some of the
lyrics on your last album, So Happy |r
leased in August 1989), this subject
shouldn't make you uncomlortable. In fact,
you come off as a pretty wild guy. Some of
the lyrics are bondage fantasies. For it
stance, the song Love Moans opens with
woman whispering, “I'm here for you, and
VII follow all your rule
MURPHY: Yeah, that’s preity nasty: [Claps the
beat and sings] “Would you do me іп my
car / While I'm driving pretty fast? / [ve
got to press my throule down to keep up
with your ass, baby.”
PLAYBOY: Is this stuff you do in real life?
MURPHY: Nah. I'm a prude, man. I've never
fucked or had my dick sucked in а
limousine; Гуе never fucked around in
саг; Гуе never done a lot of shit that enter
ners do. I've only fucked outdoors onc
I'm not a freak at all. I’m very straight.
People think I'm a lunatic—this wild,
a-diflerem-girl-every-night kind
[Pauses] Lam probably the straight
ight years old
ic. | had
crabs once, from this bitch from Roosevelt
[High School], when I was sixteen. Bitch. I
had on a rubber, too, but that doesn't stop
the crabs. Thats my sexually transmit
ted-disease experience. Em such a prud
A rubber freak.
PLAYBOY: No wonder your lyric about doing
it “under the trees” is so wist
MURPHY: | never did it under no tree, el
ther. Fm too shy to fuck under a tree. And
now 1 cart, because ГЇЇ fuck under a uec
and a reporter will see me: “EDDIE MURPHY
SEEN FUCKING UNDER A TREE.”
OUT HIS LYRICS.”
PLAYBOY: Do you write those lyrics because

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you want to do that stuff?

MURPHY: 1 don't take the labyrinthine ap-
proach to anything; it’s just straight for-
ward, surface everything. There's never a
subliminal message or a double meaning.
I'm not an intellectual by anyone's stand-
"here's just something sexy-sound-
y under a tree. I guess 1
now, I fuck only іп my

ds.
ing about fi
will one day. Right
bedroom.
PLAYBOY: Suppose a woni
go out unde
MURPHY: [Hesilates] I'm sure I need to see
an analyst because of this shit, but... Im
attracted to conservative women who don't
look conservative. | like a woman who looks
a litle vampy. Im atiracted to a woman
who can suck a dick but never sucked one
before. [Laughs] I'm attracted to a woman
who's receptive to what 1 want to do but
doesn't have a huge, long sexual resume. 1
dont like sluttish women, you know.

So whats happened to me is that usually
I'm around very passive women, and they
wouldn't make a suggestion like that. 1 sup-
pose if Ud heard that suggestion, Га have
done some things. The one time I did
something outdoors, it was the. woman's
suggestion. We were on a beach. But I'm
fine right in my bedroom.

PLAYBOY: Perhaps if you didn't have you
guys living with you, you might feel less i
hibited about running naked through the
house and out onto the lawn.

MURPHY: Yeah, but if I wanted о, 1 could
just tell them to get ont herause 1

freak with this

But the truth at I don’
my bedroom naked. 1 don
wear my drawers.
PLAYBOY: Boxers or Jockeys

walk a
sleep

place. My dick қопа have support.

So the kind of woman who n
able is a whore in the bedroom
and a lady in the parlor.

MURPHY: A whore for me, though. 1 dont

want someone who's been a whore for e

learn how to suck one gri
ly did it before.

PLAYBOY: And you want to be the teacher.
MURPHY: Yeah. I guess. [Laughs, embar
rassed] Women have a tendency, I
freeze up around me. Гуе walked into a
room and looked at women and they'll
turn their heads 1 dont e
Or when I get introduced to a wom:
wont look me in the eye. And ivs the silly
movie-star shit. I it was you, she'd look you
he eye and say, "Come fuck me under
s tree.” Me, they just say, “Oh, hello. I
didn't know yor standing there.

I fuck up a lot with women. You know
what my big problem with women is? A lot
of them heard wild shit about me: He
does drugs; he treats women bad. And
whenever I meet a woman, she comes on to
me, like, “Well, I heard you do this and 1
heard you do that.” But they're sull (here.

They've heard all this horrible shit and
they still come around. Which m they
want to meet this guy who allegedly
fucked his girls over and slapped this bitch
and sniffs cocaine. And Um nothing like
that, so it doesnt work ош usually.
[Laughs, then in a woman voice] “I thought
I was gonna get slapped in my face and
pushed down the steps, I'm leavin"
PLAYBOY: Isnt it hard to resist taking ad-
tage of all the willing women f
bring?

MURPHY: Í went through a stage the second
year of Saturday Night Live where I was
trying to fuck every woman who could
possibly be fucked. ! tried a lot. I got a lot
of cooperation. [Smiles] But since I turned
twenty-one years old, I haven't jumped into
bed just to fuck somebody.

PLAYBOY: What would it take to get that to
happen?

MURPHY: Cure AIDS. No matter what 1 say,
even if there's a freak in me—and I'm not
denying that—no one has brought that
freak out yet; no one has made me say.
“Fuck it, l'm gonna stick this anywhere I
want
PLAYBOY:
dark- or

nc can

Do you have a preference. for
ight-skinned women?

It makes no difler
tion for any beauty

nce. I have

Define love.
MURPHY: respecting somebody and
doing for somebody bec you want to
do for her, not because she expects it of
you
PLAYBOY: Can you
MURPHY: Oh, yeah. I dont think I can be
thc first onc to love, though; I think some-
body has to show me that she really loves
me before 1 let myself fall in love with her.
PLAYBOY: What does she have to do?
MURPHY: Just be honest with me lor about

requ
‚od looks.
Where do

еше

MURPHY: G
PLAYBOY:

wrong?

MURPHY: Theyre not . They at a
certain way because they think that if they
do (his, ТИ do that. They try to outthink
me. That fucks relationships. 1 wonde
Why

most women go

эпе:

re they playing this game? Usually,
ise they want to ger some money. lt
always comes back to money. I tell vou.
an, Im twenty-eight years old and Eve
never even woken up to breakfast being
cooked by a girl. Гуе never even had some
woman fucking wake up and make up the
fucking bed!
PLAYBOY: Since wh
MURPHY: Since period.
PLAYBOY: You may be
after this is published.

MURPHY: I'm gonna get a lot of ^L think Ed-
die Murphy is an asshole” stuff after this is

lated with ollers

und

published.
PLAYBOY: Well, your anger is unmistakable.
MURPHY: ['m a realist, and I think that a

person who's an idealist would listen to me

and say, “Oh, hes an asshole.” I can imag-
ine women getting offended at stuff that
Гуе said. But this is the way I feel
PLAYBOY: Do you ever see any women who
act differently from what vou describe?
MURPHY: I watch these fucking guys who
work for me: Their girlfriends come
wound the fucking house, stay with them
for a week and never fucking get up after
dinner and clean off the table! Гус never
seen onc of the girls in the kitchen helping
out Helen [the cook]. Or “Do

Я They fucking lie
king cat. Гус seen girls go
10 my cook and say, "Helen, Im going to be
sleeping until four o'clock. Could you wake
me up when dinner's ready?” So I go. Wait
a second! Those guys ain't even Ed; it's just
women acting like that.

The first ume 1 ever saw a woman get up
and start helping clean the table olf was
when a girl my big brother was seeing
came around. My reaction was, “Oh, shit!”
I've seen women digging the meat out of
their teeth alterward and go to sleep. 1
don't know, man. People are gonna read
that and go, "Eddie, vou and the guys are
hanging around the wrong type of wom-
en.” So show me somebody.

PLAYBOY: Have vou ever thought of setting.
an example?

MURPHY: Have 1 ever jumped u
glasses off the table? Me
n will read t
t men clean the table off sometimes?” 1
sed in one of thos
n clean the table ofl, and if there's
something wrong with me, th
The women would clean off the ta
the guy would take out the garbage.
[Smiles]
PLAYBOY:
women?
MURPHY: Nah. But women arent real with
me. For thc most part. the show starts
when they meet me.

PLAYBOY: Docs that piss you off ?

MURPHY: No, I'm used to it; Fm used to the
show. Гус accepted it, man. They're gonna
play ga Гус wusicd women and
shouldnt have. Turned out they were ass-
and I looked like a jerk.

PLAYBOY: So all that hostile stufl in Raw
about women: You did mean i

MURPHY: Ar the time. But 1 dont regret
anything I said. 1 was growing into some
one else. Raw is like something I said that
night. But that dont make it me,
PLAYBOY: Nonetheless, you scemed to me;
it—and the impression lasts a long time.
Women will remember what you said.
MURPHY: But that dont make it mc. We're
talking about show business. 11 John
Wayne says hi Rooster Cogburn
in a movie, it doesnt mean its him. As far
ing a stand-up comedian goes, a lot of
to do with truths, and a lot of what 1
id was truth. But vou say things to get re-
actions, and 1 got reactions to what said. 1
agree with a lot of the stull that [ said, but 1

a need

Never!

is and say,

homes wh

Do vou have trouble шесі

don't think Im as cold as I am in Raw.
PLAYBOY: Where do you meet women?
MURPHY: I could be driving down the street
and see somebody and pull over. I met my
current girlfriend at an NAACP awards
function.
PLAYBOY: What ato
MURPHY: She was line.

PLAYBOY: Has she proved that she's honest?
MURPHY: Yeah, she's a good girl.
PLAYBOY: Does she pick up the dishes?
MURPHY: She's a good gi
PLAYBOY: Do you love her?

ed you to her?

out of love with her,
shit, Га always love her as a person. So I'd
always take care of her; Га always be
friends with her.

PLAYBOY: What carned your resp
MURPHY: She has yet t0 fuck around and
dog me out.

PLAYBOY: Do you check up on her?
MURPHY: Oh, yeah.

PLAYBOY: Honesty keeps coming up. Your
girlfriends must feel as though they're on
trial.

MURPHY: Well, they are on trial. [Laughs]
Exerybody's on trial, though.

PLAYBOY: How would you feel if you were
going out with a famous woman and she
were watching to see what you were doing?
MURPHY: But I'd be watching her, too. And
if you're not doing anything wrong, you
mind being watched. If I'm traveling
miles an hour and the fucking
cops drive by and turn around and start
following “Hey, watch me; I'm
not breaking no fucking law” I'm a watch-
er. It's not something that I do consciously,
but I watch little shit and 1 notice Іше shit
[Announcers voice} “Is it true you see all
and know all, Ed?” [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: Your current girlfriend is also the
mother of your new child. This is your
first, right?

MURPHY: 10 my knowledge. [Smiles]
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about
I'm excited about it; Im happy

PLAYBOY: Have you read Cosby's book for
some advice on fatherhood?

MURPHY: Fuck, no. Get the fuck outa here!
Cliff Huxtable I am not
PLAYBOY: But you're a normal gn
MURPHY: Cliff Huxtable’s not normal. 1
don't think I'll ever be in the kitchen with
my son, going [Cosbys voice], "Now we're
gonna cat our bacon-burger dawg.”

u ready for fatherhood?
Em ready. I think it'll be
s very natural. 1 think TIL
Га be nervous about it if that
attached, but
nice re-
1. I have a re-

be a fun
whole marriage thing were
Pm still a single man, and I h

Ed; Г s
PLAYBOY: Is she going to live here at Bubble
Hill?

MURPHY: Noo. Novo.

PLAYBOY: Was it a planned pregnancy?
MURPHY: [Laughs] Thats funny. No. She
got pregnant, but she was sweet and cool. I
said, “OK, you want to have a baby, we'll
have a baby.

PLAYBOY: Have vou gotten any other w
en pregnant?

MURPHY: Not very many, no.
PLAYBOY: Did any of them fr
MURPHY: Never when I
child.

PLAYBOY: WI hat about Nicolle Rader, who

PLAYBOY: What if it had been your kid?
MURPHY: Га have taken care of the Aid. But
Td have no responsibility to that woman
When the child got old enough to under-
stand the relationship that I had with his
mother, then I would start seeing him. But
1 wouldnt be forced into a relationship
with a woman just because | had a child
with her.
PLAYBOY: While we're on the subject of per-
sonal problems with women, what about
Michael Michele Williams and her sexual-
harassment suit? She has charged that you
demanded sex from her to keep her job.
Do you want to clear that up?
MURPHY: 115 something silly, and liti-
gation, and we shouldn't even really talk
cal somebody-
taking-a-shot-at-me kind of thing. 1 get
sued a lot by people who just take shots.
PLAYBOY: How much money do you think
you've spent on «ри s, defend-
ing yoursel
MURPHY: Millions. Millions.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever come on to this
woman at all?
MURPHY: No. If ] were trying to fuck her, 1
would do it before 1 gave her a job.
PLAYBOY: Let's explore the subject of mar-
riage. You've often said you'll never get
married because you fear divor
you still value being single, as you've
MURPHY: I want somebody to tell me intelli.
gently what 1 have to gain out of a mar-
riage. And dont tell me [fultery]
partnership!” Listen: I am in business
myself and have been since April 3, 1961. 1
don't nced a partner. I need somebody 1
care about and whose company I enjoy
And 1 can have that without being mar-
ried, without saying, “Hey, Lown you and
" because thats what mar

ous law

you own п
riage is.
PLAYBOY: Yet a few years ago, you were cn-
gaged to Lisa Figueroa. What happened?
MURPHY: [Quietly] We outgrew cach other, 1
guess.
PLAYBOY: ‘The rumor
acting as if she were E
ag the powe
MURPHY: No, no. We just outgrew cach oth-
er. We were both too young to be talki
about marriage.
PLAYBOY: Have you
wom

been dumped by a

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PLAYBOY

MURPHY: Ne‘ I had one girl who
wouldnt give me no play when I was i
high school; another girl 1 liked I never
came on to. But I've never had a girlfriend
go, “Fuck you; its over.” [Pauses] Ah! Ye:
I did. Tamara Young, Andrew Youngs
niece. She's the girl my mother wanted me
to marry. Shes the most sensible woman
Гус ever met in my life.

PLAYBOY: How does your mother feel about
your fear of tying the knot?

MURPHY: As long as I'm happy, my mother's
happy. 1 won't deprive her of grandchil-
dren. [Pauses] Look, what do [have to gain
ош of marriage? Nothing. But 1 have ev-
erything to lose. Divorce is a reality; it сап
happen. You fall out of love just as quickly
as you can fall into love. Nobody gets mar-
ried thinking about divorce. They say
their vows, it's a beautiful thing, they cry,
feel wonderful.

Then, one day, you meet some other
fucking girl and, although you never
thought it could happen, you wind up
fucking around. Or one day, you roll over
and you look at your wile, or she looks at
nd that spark ain't there по more.
ju hat happens. And the
people that doesn't happen to should feel
blessed. 1 just dont want to risk having that

ble
PLAYBOY: What happens when love ends?
MURPHY: I don't know if its a curse or what,
‘son or hear a
ash the person out of my
mind. The person never existed. Every
now and then, something will trigger a
memory, and for a hot minute, I freak out
again. But otherwise,
get about somebody, bec
a pretty girl around. So fuck depr Ё
PLAYBOY: Are you that way with people іп
general? Former employees?

MURPHY: Anybody who's ever worked for
me, once he leaves, he's cut off. Because
most of the people who left lefi for fui
up reasons. Once you fuck me ov
never existed. Fuck you. Гуе had people
who have been really good friends who left
my organization and sued me and shit.
PLAYBOY: Wasn't there a former employee
who said he was going to write a book
about you?

MURPHY: That guy ain't writing no book.
He can't even spell. [Laughs] Whats he
gonna put in a book? He hasnt worked
with me since | was twenty-two. What's he
gonna write? “Eddie fucked some girl one
night.” So what? Go ahead. Everybody
fucks. There's no one who doesnt fucl

“Eddies fucking so-and-so!” “Michael's
fucking this pei tallone fucked that
person!” “Mike Tyson fucked this many

women!” Man, everybodys fucking. They
read an article like that and then go get
their dick sucked, so who gives a fuck?
PLAYBOY: You used to date Robin
didn't you?

MURPHY: When I was a kid, when we were
young. I was eighteen or nineteen
PLAYBOY: She must have been с

ens,

ie woman

who didn't make the bed. Did you ever get
any grief from Mike about that?

MURPHY: [Laughs] No. He
10 go with her when he marr
PLAYBOY: You advised him not to get mar-
ried, though.

MURPHY: | said, “Be careful.” He said,
“Man, I just wanta get that pussy!” I said,
“Yeah, well, be careful.” The rest is histor!
PLAYBOY: And this, of course, is case num-
ber one in your marriage-stoppers text-
book.

MURPHY: Well, man! Listen to all that shit!
Stallone had to give fucking thirty million.
dollars to his past two wives. That's crazy.
And Mike, I don't know how much money
he had to give Robin. but she just bought a
house in L.A. that cost two million dollars.
1 dont know how much they pay on Head
of the Class, but shit, it ain't that much.
PLAYBOY: Dicl vou sleep with Stallone's ex-
wife Brigitte Nielsen? We ask because
theres a supposed feud between you and
Stallone.

MURPHY: Hell, no. No. I didn't even know
that shit was going on, all those rumors. To
this day, even though we went through it a

“To go to some club and
listen to somebody tell
Jokes and get offended if
they say the word fuck makes
no sense. If you don't want
to hear fuck, stay home
and watch TV.”

couple of times—Stallone asked me and I
plained—I guess in his heart of hearts
he'll never know. For him, the quest
remains,
friends again.
PLAYBOY: You mean he just came right out
and asked, “Did you fuck my wife?”
MURPHY: Yeah. Here's what happened. We
were real cool for a hot minute; Га go up
se; we'd talk on the phone а lot.
it stopped. And I went to a
party and a boy said, "Hey. п
lone? He was just here." I s
where is he?” Не said, “Stallone walked out
when you walked into the party" I
thought, What the fuck is that about?
Then someone told me about Ihe rumor
that Га fucked Gitte. So I called Stallone
and asked what the fuck was going on. Aft-
er all, ГА put her in Beverly Hills Cop I
a favor vo him. We were going to use some
body else.
Anyway, I could never fuck somebody's
1 couldnt. fuck somebody's girl-
nd 1 would tell the person, “Hey,
y nan wants me to fuck her; you
should get rid of her.” That's some old

street shit. My honor is not going to let me
do something like that. Stallone asked me
about it; he's a man; I understood. He said,
“Did you fuck my wife?” And I said,
PLAYBOY: All those rumors, these stories:
dont they just help you sell your produc
MURPHY: Yeah. And we are selling a
product here; it's a fucking fantasy. Eddie
Murphy is a product, just like Coca-Cola.
PLAYBOY: Are you adverüsing the real
thing?
MURPHY: People look at Coming to America
and they say, "Wait a second! I bet you his
lifestyle is really like that. I betcha!” Re-
member, I called the girl Lisa. So it’s like,
“Aha! He was engaged to a girl named
Lisa. This is his life!" [Pauses] No, it's not!
That's not my life! “I want someone to love
me for me!" That's not it. I just make peo-
ple go, “I know! I've connected.”
Let's talk about the language you
your shows, which a lot of people
find offensive, Comics such as Andrew
Dice Clay and Sam Kinison are wildly suc-
cessful with much coarser material, and
they're criticized less. Did you open the
door?
MURPHY: It's interesting that they didnt get
persecuted the way I did, but I wasn't the
first person to be dirty. Richard [Pryor]
was dirty before me, and Redd Foxx was
dirty before him, and George Carlin was
dirty, too. People have just realized that if
something is funny, fuck whether or not it's
dirty. You're an adult. To go to some club to
sit and listen to somebody tell jokes and get
offended if they say the word fuck makes
no sense. If you don't want to hear fuck,
stay home and watch TV,
PLAYBOY: What about your gay bashing?
Are you homophobic?
MURPHY: I have nothing against homosex-
uals. I think an orgasm is your thing, and
you should fuck whoever the fuck you feel
like fucking. Whoever makes you come the
hardest, that’s who you should be with.
And all those people who say you shouldn't.
do that, fuck them, bee 't there
making you come: fucking
bu: But I've heard nigger jokes and I
dont fucking go and march in a parade
and say that somebody's Negrophobic. In
fact, the gay people I know are very funm
There was a gay writer on S.N.L. who w
funny and nice. 1 was completely comfort
able around him.
PLAYBOY: Lets do some takes on your
peers. Whatever comes to mind. Sam
Kinison.
MURPHY: [Smiles] 1 like a lot of
his act; I don't like the religion stuff. Um a
spiritual person. Ud feel welcome in any
church, so 1 wouldnt make jokes about
anybody's God.
PLAYBOY: Roseanne Barr
MURPHY: Very funny. She used to do a joke
where she says [nasal voice], “My friends
tell me El

ne:

suck d that, I was
hooked.

PLAYBOY: Andrew Dice Сіз
MURPHY: I have a lot of respect for anybody
who just comes out and does whatever hi
feels like doing. 1 have no respect fc se
comedians who
clones. You know:
ne i

dick" " When she sa

are

the difference betwei

comic, and I don't like comics.
PLAYBOY: Arscnio Hall.

MURPHY: Arscnio makes you like him im-
mediately. He's got a real ingratiating
smile, a very quick mind and hc knows
how to hit little nerves or obscure things. A
lot of people have never seen his real
stand-up, only the two minutes of his act
that he does on some shitty-assed, stupid
comedy show. But watch him for a half
hour. He's a bad motherfucker. And he
knows how to work a stage better than any-
body I know.

PLAYBOY: Better than you?

MURPHY: Is he a better stand-up comedian
than me? Yes,

PLAYBOY: Where did you meet Arsen
MURPHY: In California, when I did 48
HRS. He was Kecnen’s [Wayans] friend
first

PLAYBOY: What made the friendship work?
MURPHY: Hes a very straightforward
brother. Hes funny and we have a lot in
common—tike comedy and a lust for wom-
en. We started hanging out because I was à
fan. After a while, 1 noticed. we were
calling cach other, and hanging more and
more, and getting girls and going to the
movies together. Now he's my best friend.
PLAYBOY: Who's better-looking? Who pulls
the women when you go cruising?
MURPHY: [Incredulous] Vm infinitely better-
looking than Arsenio. He has huge gums
and these long, fucked-up fingers. Course,
he’s always telling me I'm fucking ugly; he
does jokes about my nose and shit, and my
teeth being small. But trust me, Arsenio
gets second choice all the time.

PLAYBOY: Joe Piscopo?

MURPHY: 1 haven't seen Joe as much as I
used to. We just went in different direc-
tions after Saturday Night Live. He got
very heavily into weights. Нез got this
young
he lifts lots of wei
PLAYBOY. Rate him asa comedi:
MURPHY: I don't think even he considers
himself a stand-up comic. He's a comic ac
tor who docs impressions.

PLAYBOY: Johnny Carson.

MURPHY: I always looked at Johnny Carson
as a talk-show host, not a stand-up comic.
PLAYBOY: David Letterman
MURPHY: Very funny m:
PLAYBOY: Why do you think Arsenio's show
has overtaken Letterm:
MURPHY: With Letterman, you might get
the vibe that he's kind of condescending,
Arsenio everybody, let’s have
fun, ler's have a good time.” You never get
the feeling that Arsenio thinks he's more

intelligent than the person he's talking to.
Ifyou had a choice, you might go with Ar-
senio's party, because everybody's welco
PLAYBOY: Robin Williams?
MURPHY: Very fast, and a good
PLAYBOY: Jay Leno?

MURPHY: Very funny. But I wouldnt like to
watch a comic who was influenced by Jay
Leno, because that would nauseate me.
The original is very funny, but when peo-
ple try to get on his vibe, it nauseates me.
PLAYBOY: Bill Cosby?

MURPHY: He's а great comedian and an un-
derrated actor. He's more of a storyteller
than he isa comedian. I don't think anyone
can tell a story better than Cosby. I wanted
to do a tour with Cosby and Pryor last year,
but Cosby didn't want to go.

PLAYBOY: Why
MURPHY: Ultimately, it was like asking
Richie Havens to do a show with Prince.
Richie does some nice stuff, but he's sitting
on astool with a guitar and Prince is jump-
ing all over the stage and doing splits. As
much as Cosby has talked about my come-
and as much as he says he doesn't think
Pm a comedian, the fact is that 1 would

“Гт infinitely bette:

than Arsenio. He has huge

looking

gums and these long,
fucked-up fingers. Course,
hes always telling me
I'm fucking ugly."

have blown him off the stage in terms of.
energy and in terms of putüng on a better
show. He'sa fifty-ycar-old guy; he has more
insight than 1 do and he may know how to
manipulate the audience a liule more and
tell a story better. But when he puts on a
sweater and I put on my leather pants, he
gets fucked up. [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: Richard Pry:
MURPHY: He's the best ever. You talk about
ixing body language with everything
else: Richard is like a mime on stage. He
can take inanimate objects and make them
come alive. Things that aren't there, he
ses you sce them; or he'll become some-
thing that he's talking about. Theres по
one who's ever brought the theatrics that
Richard brings to his comedy. Anyone who
tells you hes into comedy and doesnt
k hard is the best comedian who
ever existed doesn't know what he's talking
about. Pryor is better than anyone who ev-
er picked up the microphone and started
telling jokes. Nobody can fuck with him.
PLAYBOY: You've said he's your biggest
influence. How does he feel about that?
MURPHY: Influence isnt like when you sce
somebody and go, “I'm gonna steal the

way he walks or the way he phrases words.”
Its somebody impressing the shit out of
you and you just adapting that to your own
thing. I watch Richard, I listen to him say
stuff, I watch the way he looks at things
and the way he explains things, and I go,
“God, there's so much of this man in me.”
Influences are interesting. Richard was
influenced by Cosby early on. I you watch
some of Richard's routine, you'll hear him
go into a voice that sounds almost like Cos-
by. He does a routine where he goes [Pry-
or voice), “Snakes make you walk into
trees. Snake!" It's a Bill Cosby routine. Bill
Cosby was influenced by Groucho Mars:
the cigar, he never stands up straight on
stage when he's walking and he mumbles.
You can draw a line from me to Richard,
and from Richard to Bill, and from Bill to
Groucho. [Pauses] And 1 gu
never thought it was gonna go from "|
night, Lshot an elephant in my pajamas” to
uck my dick!”
PLAYBOY: Eddie Murphy?
MURPHY: Me? I'm OK. The same thing with
the movie shit: I'm OK. People like me and
they come and see me.
PLAYBOY: Still painting yourself as the aver-
age, normal gu
MURPHY: I am.
PLAYBOY: Is that the key to your success?
MURPHY: People sec me on the screen and
go, "You know, he seems like he's a nice
person, a fun person.” Thats one reason I
got so much shit on my stand-up— I'm just
average. Yet I've done these huge pictures.
So I get shit for not being as good in my
stand-up as Lam їп films, I guess. 1 dont
think Im a bad stand-up comedian; its
just one of the things that I do, and I'm not
the best. But Raw was the biggest stand-up
movie in history. So 1 don't suck as a come-
ап.
I'm the Sugar Ray Leonard of stand-up.
People say he doesn’t deserve his title. Like
him, Ull retire, wait for someone else to
come along, and I'll go get my title back.
[Laughs] No time soon, though.
PLAYBOY: But since your life has been
changed so much by success, how will you
stay connected to the audience?
MURPHY: My life has changed aesthetically.
I have a bigger house and a nicer car, but
ultimately, I still have a house
have a car. My life as an entertainer
business part of my life, just like a doctor
doesn't stop living when he becomes a sur-
gcon. He still gocs home and has problems
with his kids, his wife, his neighbor, this
asshole down the street, when he goes to
the store. You always have something to
draw a funny situation from
PLAYBOY: It has been said that your comedy
doesn't play off white guilt like that of
black comics before you; that you ne
had to establish your dignity, so you felt
free to abandon it; that,
were never а “h comic.
MURPHY: Yes, I was. I'm just not a very po-
When I'm on stage, when
I'm on a movie screen, I'm having a good
time, and I want everybody in my audience

n essenc

PLAYBOY

to have a good time. I'm not there to chas-
tise my audience.

PLAYBOY: What wouldn't you do for a joke?
MURPHY: | wouldn't dress up like a girl.
PLAYBOY: No secret Milton Berle fantasies?
MURPHY: No, man, that dressing-up-likc-a-
woman shit is just not funny to me. When
Arsenio did it in Coming to America, it was
funny. They were trying to get me to do
that shit, but I just can't do it, m:
PLAYBOY: Do you think you'd feel comfort-
able at the Friars’ Club?

MURPHY: 1 don't know if they'd be comfort-
able with me there. But a lot of those old
guys are real funny. Like Buddy Hackett.
You ever seen him live? Hysterical.
PLAYBOY: Are there any new comucs you
really like?
MURPHY: Damon Wayans. Really impres-
sive. Everybody else is doing somebody
else's shit. "My wife" and "The other day"
and “Ooo, these people!” That's bullshit.
PLAYBOY: Let's change the topic. Did you
think Jesse Jackson could be President?
MURPHY: I felt strongly about his running
for President, in terms of symbolism, but 1
knew that’s what it was. Even though he
ran in 1988, there are still places in this
country where a black can't eat. I stayed at
a house in Bel Air, in Los Angeles, and yet
1 couldn't go onto the golf course right be-
hind it. I'm supposed to be an upper-crust
black person and Fm sull subject to
racism. So there's no way you could have
realistically thought that Jesse Jackson was
gonna become President in 1988. There
will come a time, though.

PLAYBOY: Do you think Jackson knew that?
MURPHY: Absolutely. First of all, black peo-
ple make up only twelve percent of the
population in the United States. How are
you going to puta man in olfice? You've got
to get the white vote, too. But it was beauti-
ful because it took the ceiling off people's
thoughts in terms of what Jesse could
achieve. Ultimately, what we have to do is
be accepted as equals, and 1 really, honest-
ly dont feel that white people accept black
people as equals. Racism is covert now;
they do it behind closed doors. In the
open, everything is cool, but inside, its still
“Ah, the fucking niggers.” H's natural for
white people to feel that way. White people
used to own us, and they haven't forgotten
that yet. 1 know / haven't forgotten it. Pm
angry about it. I wouldn't be surprised
if you had nights when you sat around and
talked about niggers. All white people
have, and do.

PLAYBOY: That's a cynical assumption. How
would you fecl if blacks were accused of
the reversc?

MURPHY: Yeah, but our anger is a reactive
anger. We never stripped you of your cul-
ture or fucked your daughters.

PLAYBOY: What about the Jews? There has
been a lot of controversy lately about Jew-
ish-black relations.

MURPHY: Yeah, but Im talking black—

white. l'm talking what happened to blacks
in this country. Jewish people came here of
their own free will.

PLAYBOY: If you can call trying to escape
the gas ovens free will.

MURPHY: I sympathize with the victims of
the Holocaust. [t was a horrible thing. But
not as horrible as what happened to black
people. You're talking about a people who
were raped of their culture. You will never
t a Jewish person named Eddie Mur-
phy. You will never meet a Jewish person
named John Smith. Whites took our cul-
ture, they took our language, they took

The Jews have overcome what happened
in the Holocaust, outside of looking at the
films and still being mad about it As a
people, they have power, they have cul-
ture, they unity, they have money. But
black people are still bruised by the hor
ble things that happened to them. I'm
aware of it, and it makes me angry.
PLAYBOY: Is this how you would define the
black experience?

MURPHY: You watch those old civil rights
movies that show black people getting
spraved down with water hoses. People
lose sight of the fact that st twenty-
five years ago, man. Sicking dogs on us just
because we wanted 10 eat in a restaurant,
or because we were marching and singing
We Shall Overcome. And a lot of those peo-
ple who sprayed those water hoses arc still
alive, have children and have instilled the
same heli n them.

PLAYBOY: What do vou think white Ameri-
ca has to do for a better future?
MURPHY: My people are the most forgiving
people on the face of the earth. To be here
in this country and to be subjected to as
much shit as we've been subjected to, and
to not have had a black revolution! All
we want is to be accepted as your equals.
We're not even saying, "Hey, we want re-
venge; we gonna fuck you motherfuckers
up.” We're saying, “Hey, listen. That shit
happened and we're hurt; you fucked us
over and you fucked up, but we're here
id treat us like your equals." Thats what
we're saying. Racism is rooted in ign
rance, and Ше more sophisticated a society
becomes, the fewer ists well have.
When you integrate with other cultures,
racism gets washed away.

PLAYBOY: What about the future of the
world? Are you optimistic or pessimistic?
MURPHY: I know ГЇЇ leave some good
movies to watch. [Laughs] Газ trying to
keep this on the surfac

PLAYBOY: As you've said all along. Yet you've
dipped a little deeper than you thought
you would.

MURPHY: The biggest statement I can make
is this: What I've achieved is accessible to
y other шап, black or white.

PLAYBOY: Theoretically but highly unlikely:
MURPHY: Why?

PLAYBOY: There's just not that much room
at the top of the pyramid.

MURPHY: Did you ever see the episode of
Star Trek in which they beamed down on
this planet and were forced to go to the
gun fight at the О.К. Corral? Spock said,
"if you believe the bullets real, they'll
Kill you!” Well, that shit is true. Sometime
you hear stories about a guy who gets shot
in the head. Is he dead? Nah, he’s alive, the
bullet bounced off his forehead. And then
you hear stories about people who only got
stabbed in the arm—and bled to death.
You die when you accept death, And you
succeed when you accept success, com-
pletely and totally. When you go “Lam go-
ing to succeed” and you don't have one
scintilla of doubt. Once you put some ele-
ment of doubt in, that’s when you can
Success is pure faith in yourself and God.
Cher said this before: There's no dress ге-
hearsal for life. You've got one life. Г say,
you go for what you wa
PLAYBOY: When did you figure that out?
MURPHY: When I was fifteen years old. I
was always gonna be a plumber, man—and
T got nothing against plumbers—but it's
real easy to start doing shit just out of obli-
gation. Nobody sets out to be a mailman, a
milkman or a plumber. That's something
you wind up doing. And a lot of those pe
ple are content with their lives.

PLAYBOY: Are you happy?

ll, there's sull things I
want to do with my life. 1 think апу man
who's twenty-eight years old and is happy ік
a fanl You build toward perfection. So
Pm... content.

Hit take to get happy?
MURPHY: It ain't money—I got that in the
bank. It's not something that II find with
somebody else. But something will happen
aybe not even on stage. Maybe
ig to touch someone else's
life and feel it’s the ultimate for me as а
person, the best I'm ever gonna be. It
could have something to do with a child ГЇЇ
produce. It's when 1 feel Гус done what 1
was put here to do.

When I reach my goal, I won't care about
what others think. ПІ just bask in the feel-
ing. What it's gonna take for me is univer-
‘al acceptance: "OK, hes an artist.” Right
now, I’m at that stage of trying to prove
Um an artist. I'm faced with, “Yeah, yeah,
yeah, but that last thing you did sucked.”
So when / can believe what I've done is
perfect, and fuck you, then I can relax. So
far, 1 don't believe I've done anything per-
only pretty good. But God works in
mysterious ways
And it won't matter what the pub-

ш.

пе. An artist
feels the need to create even if there is по
public. If there were no one on the planet,
Fd still do funny things, Га just be laugh-
ing by myself.

[y]

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A BETTER SHAVE IN EVERY BOTTLE.

THE

WOMEN
RUSSIA

they are—you guessed it—red-hot

AST SPRING, Time magazine reported thai
Soviet sociologist-sexologist Igor Kon, “things are
changing" in the US.S.R., that “women’s sexuality,
which was previously denied, ıs starting to be ac
knowledged.” Pretty encouraging news, right? But not the
whole story. Here's what Time and the good doctor left out: So-
viet women are sexy, exciting, smart, beautiful, determined and
bursting with life. We ought to know
precedented expedition that took almost two years to plan
and demanded the cooperation of more than 100 photogra-
phers, models, editors, on person-
nel, translators and government
5, Playboy made the journey to
the Soviet Union's most famous stretch
of soil—Russia—and discovered the
biggest secret behind the iron curtain:
Russia's women. For years. Playboy
Managing Photo Editor Jeff Cohen had
been getting pitches from independent
photographers eager to make the trip
to the land of the hammer and sickle,
but it wasn't until Gorbachev made glas
nost a he
cided the time was right to take the
gamble. Selecting Russian photogra-
pher А! sha” Borodul
the son of famed photographer Lev

cording 10

we were there. In ап un-

offi

schold word that Cohen de-

nder

Zdravstvuyte!—or hello—from Red Squore (opposite).
Fiveyskova, Lori

Borodulin—to do the honors, Cohen at first sat Stateside, re-
viewing the film as it arrived via overseas mail. Captivated by
what he saw, he eventually made the 6000-mile trip himself in
order to get a closer look at just what it took to create a Ri
sian pictorial. (For an account of Cohen's delightfully reveal-
ing adventures in the Soviet Union, see page 82.) Ultimately,
we wound up with much more than just a pretty scrapbook.
In many cases, we were able to put a few myths to rest. For
example, almost all of our models confessed that they adored
the U.S.—the country and its people. "] would like very much
to take a look at America with my own
eyes and experience its sweet life,” one
“I think Americans are klévye
said another. They called us
"businesslike, cute and. neat"; they la-
beled us "hard workers, warmhearted
and good guys.” And they were all dying
to meet us. As for sex, we
skis knocked off as our stun:
of Russian ladies candidly voiced a siz-
zling sensuality that would make some
Americans blush. worship sex—I
place it on a pedestal,” one model ad-
mitted, Another confe:
never ends." So let it be said that the
Cold War has finally, blissfully ended
and that beauty is beauty—everywhere.

our sock-

ing coterie

а, “The desire

. Bosils Cathedrol provides o colorful backdrop for (clockwise, from top) Leno
Litichevskoya, Olgo Egorovo ond Natosha Protosova. While Natosho works os o salesgirl in downtown Moscow, her compan-

ions here ore decidedly regal: Lost year, Lena wos crowned Miss 21st Century in o privote beauty contest of the same nome. And in the Moscow
Krosovitso (or Beauty of Moscow) pageont—the country‘ first-ever officiolly sanctioned beouty competition—Olgo wos voted Miss Discovery
by Soviet home viewers. Above, с shot of Larisa nobbing top Krasovitser honors, which included instont celebrity, o stosh of cosh ond о cor.

PHOTOGRAPHED EXCLUSIVELY FOR PLAYBOY BY ALEXANDER BORODULIN

Below, meet swimmer and would-be movie stor
Nona Kuchavo. A descendent of Georgian oris-
tocrocy—o knyazhna, as they soy—Nona likes
men who con “moke a feost out of life.” And
heres onother look of pageant winner Lariso
(right), who proudly declares, “I wont to do good

for my country” Diplomocy or its best, da?

As you con see from her photo, Anya Alekseye-
vo (opposite, юр left) prefers to word off the
Soviet chill the old-fashioned way: doing the
bear-rug-and-fireplace routine, Top right is
Nadyo Ushkova, о student from Moscow’ Insti-
tute of Energy. “1 like men who ore smart ond
charming.” soys Nodyo. "Fools, I don't like.”
But her real love is her pet turtle, Nad'ko (trons-
lotion: “little Nadyo"). Beouty is olso obundant
along the Russian waterways. That's Volgo-
grod's Loriso Tregubova (below Nadyo), wod
ing in the Volgo River. We heor thot Larisa is the
odds-on fovorite to be nomed the next Miss
Volgograd—a title presently held by Leno Silino
(whom you'll meet loter). And toking o breok
from pedaling along the Moscow ore Lena Ser
kina (left) ond Notesho Kozlovo (right). Leno
wants to "find success in morriage,” while No-

tosha soys she is thrilled that "fewer ond fewer

people think thot there is no sex in cur country,”

Whos the lucky guy in traditionol Georgion garb being
bussed by Misses Fiveyskova and Litichevskaya? We never
found out, but we're sure Georgic’s not the only thing on his
mind. Below left is Zhenya Manoeva, a Muscovite ond as-
piring clothing designer. An admirer of American dating
techniques, Zhenya prefers men who are “smart, tall and
entrepreneurial.” Sasha Safonova (battom left) has a phi-
losophy an romance that's delightfully simple: “Is impartant
far a man ta be khoroshiy,” she says. In а word, that means
"good" And meet Marina Kazhuchova (belaw right) а
Mascaw model. If the poster is life-size, the father af
the Soviet state was just abaut Marinas height—5’ 10".

Flanked by soldiers outside a space museum (left) is Aksana
Prokoperko, a modeling student from “а really оуегоде So-
viet family.” About her future, Aksana waxes poetic: “The
craaked line of fate will hapefully lead me to the right
place.” When asked abaut her ambitians, Natasha Berko
(below left) declares, “I have a program maximum.” In
Americarese, that's “gaing for the big time." Longuishing
beneath the Pushkin fountain in босһі5 botanic gardens is
Sveta Nikolaeva, a ballet fan and hair stylist whose idols
are Mikhail Boryshnikov and Marilyn Monroe. And Vera
Esina (bottom right), 20, has a special fantasy: ta get a
taste of the sladkaya zhizn'—"good life” —іп the U.S. af A.

From the province of Krasnogorsk comes
Nelle Hilchenko (below), on independent
lady who prefers her men to be “outgoing,
fun-loving and laskovy (gentle)

Tot’yanaKaftunovo, a rhythmic gymnast from
Odesso and the current Miss Lux Model. On
the subject of Americans, Tat'yana is pas-
sionate: “1 love them to terror,” she soys.
We think that means she loves us to death.

Moving clockwise around the opposite page
from top left: Heres Loriso Tregubova
again, this time in front of the wor memorial
honoring soldiers who died in the battle of
Stalingrad (now called Volgograd). And as
promised, heres 20-year-old Lena Silino,
who is currently reigning as Miss Volgograd.
(For those of you focused on vital statistics,
Lena's sis'ki measure іп ot 104 centimeters—
you do the conversions.) Settling in with
Pravda by a window overlooking the
Kremlin is Inno Tarosove, о 29-year-old
model from Moscow. innos ambitio

“To feel as good spiritually as I look bodily”
Rounding out the page is Ekaterina Kirilovo,
а swimmer who frankly comments, “1 don't
smoke, | don't drink ond I don't work.” Her
current unemployment is bound to change:
Shes gunning for success os a model—
“inside or outside the Soviet Union.”

Checking in from о phone booth outside
Lenin Stadium is Olga Sokhorovo (above),
а computer operator from Moscow. Olgo's
keeping the sciences in the fomily: Her
mom ie © сҺөтігі and her dod іс © physi-

cist. Model Mosho Shmerko (below) says
hello from the Arbo! Street district—
Moscow’ version of Greenwich Villoge.

icnicking in the grass just outside Moscow (left) is Vando Rudnevo, a secretary-typist who doesn't mince words. On independence: “1 hope my
future husband understonds | wont to be o career womon”; on men: “I like attentive guys and dislike losers" (that last word communicated in
almost perfect English); on sex: “Good men, you can never get enough of; bad men, 1 don't deal with.” Vanda was Miss Moscow Komsomolets—
ог Miss Communist Youth— 1988. Working clockwise around this page from above left ore Luda Novolokovo, о diehard Soviet patriot whose
peeves include “ch inte wha are in lave with themselves"; Sveta Rutskoya (taking the Pepski Challenge), o university student whos ciming for
a “good position in society”; Morino Gotoviseva, who works with с joint-venture American-Soviet moviemoking compony; Tonyo Kr: 1, who
thinks guys’ looks are vsé ravno (oll the some) but odmits thot good sex requires zaryad (a charge); and Sveto Tsegonkovo (in Cossock attire:
well, olmost), on avid reader and family girl who con't wait to raise a brood of her own. Whot kind of guys does she like? “All of them.

Тһе green-eyed beauty above is Tanya Stepanovo, a ski bum whos into architecture. “America
is a smart nation,” says Tonya, adding that she машк mind becoming personally acquainted
with о real live Yankee or twa. Below, once again, are Misses Berko, Gatovtseva and Nikolae-
va, scoking up the sun in Sochi on the Black Sea. And, finally, meet Lena Nosove (opposite),
о bookkeeper from Moscow who's on the prowl far more inspiring employment. “It doesnt mat-
ter how little the job pays,” she says, “just as long as it’s creative.” But Lena's real dream is to
work obrood, a plan that doesn't seem to please the comrade on the wall. Do-svidaniyo.

article

By ДЇЎ COHEN

HERE 1 was, travel-weary and

apprehensive, in Moscow's She-

remetyevo Airport, holding a

huge nylon duffel bag that was
oozing womens underwear. Bras,
panties, camisoles, the works. Up ahead
was a Sherman tank of a Soviet customs
inspector. What would she think of this
American man, traveling alone, with
suitcases containing womens intimate
dothing and six pairs of high-heeled
shoes?

I had spent much of the preceding
three months trying to conceal my real
purpose for this trip—to photograph the
women of Russia for Playboy. Now the
project seemed on the brink of disaster,
betrayed by lingerie.

1 had wanted to produce this feature
for two years. Once Mikhail Gorbachev
had turned his little crack in the iron
curtain into a great open door to the
West, I had wanted to march through it
and capture, on film, one of Russia's most
precious

The fir
cide whether or not anyone should know
that our photographer, Alexander Boro-
dulin (Sasha to you and me), was working
for Playboy. We settled on a strategy ap-
propriate to US.-Soviet relations—just
enough deception to cover our tr:

Assuming that all phone calls into or
out of the US.S.R. were monitored and
the numbers recorded, we never spoke
on my office phone. We ly never
referred to the models or the content of
the photos. After Sasha did some prelim-
inary test photos, we needed a system for
getting the film from Moscow to
Chicago. Mail in and out of the U.S.S.R.
в regularly opened and censored, so
а gave the first film shipment to a
rock group on its way from Moscow to
New York for an American tour. Te
Clancy would have been proud

The plotting intensified when it с:

for the main shooting s
Playboys Managing Photo E
produced many pictorials, a memorable
minority of which had been at places

MISSION:
IMPLAUSIBLE

or how a playboy photo editor discovered the perils
and pleasures of doing business in the age of glasnost

where I wasn't welcome. I had supervised
shootings in the Ivy League; I produced
Women of 7-Eleven. Proud as | was of this
list, none of it seemed appropriate train-
ing for dealing with the K.
With Sasha directing the flow of paper
through friends in the burcaucracy the
visa application. process that normally
takes six weeks took six working days. On
the seventh, | was route to Moscow.

.
All the skulduggery seemed like a
great idea until 1 set foot in Moscow with

the duffel bag hemorrhaging women's
underwear. I felt like Indiana Jones on
his final crusade, having to pass the three
tests of wisdom before reaching the Holy
Grail: admission to the Soviet Union,
The first test had been passport in-
spection, where the Soviet sentry had
stared me down as if trying to get me lo
confess to the ‘Tylenol killings. I have no
idea what he was looking for, Unlike cus-
toms officers at check points in Canada,
for cxample, this lad had no computer

After working in secret for months to set up our Women of Russia pictorial, Ployboy's
Jeff Cohen arrived at the Moscow airport with women's underwear and high-heeled shoes
spilling from his luggage. What, he wondered, would the customs officers think?

ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN SCHMELZER

into which to plug my name. He stared. I
did my best to stare back. Fi
stamped my documents. The first test
was over.

Next came a sterner challenge, the
search for a luggage cart A nearby
porter was renting them for one ruble. I
did not have a ruble, and there was no
change oflice in that part of the airport. I
offered him a dollar and reached for one
of the carts. He recoiled. Its illegal, of
course, for a Soviet citizen to accept for-
eign currency.

1 remembered, happily, that Га been
advised by Playboy's Senior Staff Photog-
rapher Pompeo Posar to carry a sufficient
amount of Russia's universal medium of
exchange, Marlboro cigarettes. | gave
the porter an unopened pack of Marl-
bores, which is akin to paying bus fare
with Krugerrands. Still, he gave up the
cart, so I was on to the last trial: the or-
deal of customs check and the telltale lin-
gerie.

She loomed ahead of me, u
behemoth—imagine Mike Ditkas un-
married aunt. I presented my seven bags.
She passed over the lingerie collection
with no special heed. No comment, ei-
ther, on the pairs of high heels. But
before long, she did find trouble: my
video and still cameras. Yet all I had to do
was give her the serial numbers. Seems
she was more worri
ing selling them on the bl.
than that I might, for instance, pho-
tograph Soviet women in American
panties.

The gantlet passed, 1 was released into
the land of Chekhoy, Gorbachev and, it
turned out, beautiful women.

Sasha had made reservations for me at
the Rossiya, a quaint 3200-room Moscow
hotel with all the architectural grace of a
21-story К mart. Justa hammer toss from
Red Square, it made a convenient loca-
tion for the Russian women to flock to.

Our destination for my first night in

Moscow was a disco where they were
crowning Mr. Moscow. The Soviets have
recently discovered the beauty pageant,
and they are seizing all oppor! tunities to
hold them. Given this mania for contests,
Sasha figured that there might be some
attractive women around scoping out the
competition for Mr. Moscow.
'he disco was in a distant part of the
city in one of the charmless verti
apartment complexes that the govern-
t provides for Moscow's 8,000,000
residents. There was no valet parking, no
neon sign, no velvet rope and, until we
arrived, no cover charge. But the guy at
the front door gave us the eye and detect-
ed signs of a foreign expense account.
He demanded 20 rubles apiece.

When I walked into the night club. I
felt as though Га fallen through a hole
in the earth and ended up at the
Rathskeller at the University of Wiscon-
sin. These Soviet kids were wearing all
variety of jeans, pleated pants, Italian
suits, Missoni tics, Harvard, Columbia
and N.C.A.A. Final Four sweat shirts and
classic footwear from Nike and Reebok.

Two things distinguished these young
people from their Western cousins, how-
ever. One, Bolshoi and Kirov companies
notwithstanding, these kids couldn't
dance. Two, they couldn't smile, at least
not with the confidence of your average
American kid. When a Soviet youth
breaks into a grin, you are reminded of
the dentalwork in an N.H.L. locker
room

While I was roaming the disco in a
time-warp fog, Sasha was hard at work
locating would-be models. His modus
operandi was no different from that used
by our staff when it searches for prospec-
tive Playmates in Atlanta, Dallas or L.A.
You see an attractive young woman, give

“We posed our models
in front of St.
Basil's and began to
shoot. Nobody stopped us.
In the new Russia, they
must have thought,

anything is possible.”

the high sign to your female assistant and
she moves in for a business conversation.
Were working on a pictorial, we think
you're very attractive, would you like to
be a model? As Sasha predicted, the re-
sults were good that night. Even though
we never saw Mr. Moscow crowned, we
found four girls.

The disco closed around one AM.
which was about lunchtime on my jet-
lagged internal clock. Ever the consider-
ate host, Sasha suggested ап afterhours
hangout where we might get a snack.
‘The night spot Sasha had in mind was lo-
cated on a large boat anchored in the
Moscow River. We were halfway down
the gangplank when the door to the club
opened and out popped two Soviet
ofticers—chests bristling with medals
and ribbons—in a T.G.L.E kind of mood.
When they saw that most of the people m
my group were Soviets, however, duty
called. Apparently, it was officially OK for
outsiders to party until dawn in Moscow,
but God forbid that a Soviet citizen
should expect the same privilege. The

officers headed straight for our Soviet
chauffeur and started interrogating him:
Why was our group out so late? Who
were his passengers? Where was he tak-
ing us? They asked to sce his papers, and
naturally, his license had recently ex-
pired. When that sin came to light, I
wondered if we had eclipsed the bound-

ary of prudent rials, and I was going
to cash it in right there in Moscow.
Happily, Sasha's assistant [gor

smoothed out the entire matter, using
language he knew the military would un-
derstand: 50 rubles to each officer. From
each according to his means, to each ac-
cording to his needs.

Sasha selected our glasnost girls іп а
grand manner Through an under-
ground network of agents, photogra
phers, models and street operators, he
got the word out that he was looking for
pretty young women to photograph.
With Sasha's network operating at full
tilt, they came to the hotel at all hours of
the day and night. The models were
bright and eager and full of excitement
over their big carcer opportunity. As in
most of Europe, posing nude was never
an issue. All the women were comfort-
able with their bodies and had little or no
shyness about undressing people
milling about the tight quarters of
Sasha's room.

1 was amazed at the freedom given us
to go about our business. Sasha and I had
decided that the natural opening photo
for the feature wasa group of our women
in Red Square. We picked four of the sex-
icst models, poured them into skintight
outfits and paraded the short distance
from our hotel to the Kremlin. On our
way, however, we picked up an escort;
something about the suit һе wore and the
way he kept his distance—not too close,
not too far—convinced us that he was a
K.G.B. agent. We huddled and decided
to employ the ultimate weapon: my video
camera. What K.G.B. agent wants West-
erners to see him on video tape? Sure
enough, I pointed the camera in his di-
rection and he disappeared, never to be
seen again.

Even though we had shaken the agent,
we were concerned that he might return
with reinforcements. We kept on moving
until we had left Red Square and found
another angle on a shot with the girls and
St. Basil's.

After shooting for a while, we made
another assault on Red Square. As this
was a Sunday afternoon, the place was
teeming with people. We posed our mod-
els in front of St. Basil's and began to
shoot. Crowds of tourists, soldiers, even
Kremlin guards gathered, watched and
pointed. But nobody stopped us, asked

PLAYBOY

for a permit or credentials or even ques-
tioned us about what we were doing. In
the new Russia, these comrades must
have thought, anything is possible

If you rile the party, you're sent to
Siberia; but if you're a good little ap-
paraichik, you end up in the айту climes
‘of Sochi, a spa town on the Black Sea.
After a few days in gloomy Moscow, we
rewarded ourselves with a trip south, just
as party leaders had done before us.

Unfortunately, there was а catch. In or-
der to get to Sochi, we had to fly Aeroflot,
which is Russian for winged hell. You can
forget curbside luggage check. In fact,
you can forget luggage check altogeth-
er—this was strictly do it yourself, After
we muscled all of our bags and suitcases
up the stairs into the plane, we entered a

pointments were run-down and dirty. No
-Aight magazine, -sickness bag,
information, headphones, air
jet or reading light. Flight attendants?
Halfway through the flight, huge Soviet
matrons stomped down the aisles dis-
tributing awful fruit punch in paper
cups. Throughout the ordeal, my fellow
travelers sat in silence; this was the first
example of Soviet oppression I saw.

The redeye back to Moscow was even
worse. We left at 11 o'clock, which turned
out to be the perfect hour to turn the
cabin lights up bright and blare canned
disco music over the speakers. The lights
and music stayed on the entire time.
When we touched down—after two
лм апа the plane rolled to a stop, they
finally turned out the lights and we were
forced to grope our way from the plane
in complete As soon as I got
back to my hotel, I canceled my Aeroflot
flight to Frankfurt and rebooked with
Pan Am.

Sochi itself was a different story; our
hotel resembled a resort more likely to be
in Acapulco. It had a recreational com-
plex with tennis, basketball and volleyball
facilities, indoor and outdoor pools,
bowling lanes and—1 sit ready for
this—18 holes of miniature golf

With all the high rollers and the for-
eigners there were also plenty
of prostitutes. It is not uncommon for an
attractive Soviet woman who ts tired of
the drunken h ment by the men in
her life to begin selling her charms to the
wealthy and generally more genteel
s igh-ranking party mem-
ber. She can expect gifts, jewelry, per-
fumes and furs, not to mention visits to
restaurants and hotels limited to those
carrying hard currency. Most important

she will have the opportui
into relationships with edu
which could lead into an
world of opportunitic:

.
ch of colorful backgrounds for
our pictorials, we headed for the lush
gardens in the middle of Sochi. We found
the wonderful Pushkin fountain that had
ornamental swans squirting water [rom
their beaks and created a terrific watery
environment for our model

Dressed i irt and a gauzy
blouse, she stepped into the fountain,
quickly got soaked and her charms were
exposed for all to see. Mind you, we were
in a well-trallicked area of Sochi's m
park. Lovers strolled hand in hand, nan-
nies with small children passed by and el-
derly couples
watched Sasha's circus. A pa
paraded a group of tourists past the
fountain amd explained something of
historical significance. Amazingly no one
asked the obvious question: What the
hell are you doing with a naked woman
in the fountain?

We pulled a similar stunt at the hotel.
For more than two hours, we photo-
graphed three seminude models in and
out of the swimming pool, sliding down a
water slide and lounging by the water.
Bathers stared and some even poi
but no pool guard or man
vened, so we went ahead a
tures. Try that at The Beverly Hills Hotel.

‘There can be only one explanation for
this behavior. Soviet people must assume
that if you're photographing models in
Red Square or in a Sochi fountain, you
have permission to do so or you're such a
big deal that you have immunity from
any local authority. Look straight ahead,
go about your business, act cool and a

thing is possible. We did, and it was.
.

In the short span of ten days in the 5о-
viet Union, | ran up against puzzling ex-
tremes. Nowhere have I found so many
people so insistent on heavy tipping be-
fore they would budge an inch, nor have
Le
generous people. Two stories illustrate.

Early in my stay, I found myself sitting
'estaurant waiting for Sasha and the
rest of the entourage. 1 asked the waiter
for a glass of water, and thats just what he
brought—lukewarm wate i
inquired in my guidebook Russian. He
told me that the ice mac broken.
Soon Sasha showed up and he, too, ex-
pressed a desire for some ice water. The
waiter shrugged again and headed back
toward the kitchen. Sasha, hand on his
wallet, was up like a shot and followed

ity to enter
ted men,
irely new

In se:

a shee

k guide

ted,

r encountered so many kind and

him out of the room. Moments later,
both returned. “The ice machine
nounced the waiter with a smile,
fixed!”

Also during our Moscow st
proached by one of the members of our
group who had a favor to ask. It seemed
he had a friend who had been studying
English for ten years. Would it be possi-
ble, he wondered, for her to come by
sometime, so that she could practice

ay, Twas ap-

speaking the language? 1 agreed, and
the next night, a very sweet Soviet wom-
an presented herself, apologizing pro-
fusely for her terrible English, which was
about ten times better ıhan a Chicago
schoolteacher's. We had a pleasant hour
of conversation, she thanked me profuse-
ly and left

Later on in our stay, | was told that the.

woman ц

eded to sce me again to prop-
erly thank me. I insisted that no special
thanks were necessary, that the talk had
been enjoyable for me, too. But, no, she
must come to see me one more time. 1
agreed. She arrived carrying a small par-
cel in her hand. She asked me 10 unwrap
it, and inside I found a beautiful hand-
painted box that she insisted 1 take home
to my wile. 1 was astonished, and deeply
touched, at the value this woman had
placed on her time with me.
.

With the photo shoots successfully con-
cluded, I began packing for the trip
home. I was leaving behind most of the
clothing and sundries Га taken over, so 1
was looking forward to a light load on the
return journey. But with Sasha doing
things in his usual big way, out came
bags and boxes of souvenirs, and in no
time, my luggage was crammed with
hand-paimed dolls, Soviet propaganda
posters, scarves, fur hats, Le
and banners, T-shirts, old
and vodka.

The most problematic item I had to
carry home, however, was an envelope
containing ten rolls of processed. film
with images of nude Soviet women. Talk
about sensitive souvenirs. Even as we
speak, the K.G.B. is probably chilling an
ice block in Siberia for the next Western-
er who tries to pull off this kind of photo.
assignment

Where to stash the film? After much
thought, 1 settled on the April 10. 1980,
issue of Time magazin pecial edi
tion on the new US.S.R. It scemed very
suitable: the nude U.S.S.R. safely sand-
wiched by the new U.S.S.R. Call it а blow
for improved Soviet -American. under-
standing. Glasnost forever!

in medals
ithographs

-а

FAMILY PLANNING CLINIC |

“Daddy, there’s something I have to tell you.”

"O:
O e

supplies were low and the sun
was fierce. the one thing
Carter didrit need was a mutiny

fiction
By ROBERT SILVERBERG

out THERE in the chilly zone of the Pacific,
somewhere between San Francisco and
Hawaii, the sea was a weird goulash of cur-
rents, streams of cold stuff coming up from
the antarctic and coolish upwelling spirals
out of the ocean floor and little hot rivers
rolling off the sun-blasted continental shelf
far to the east. Sometimes you could see
steam rising in places where cold water met
warm. Itwas a cockeyed place to be trawling
for icebergs. But the albedo readings said
there was a berg somewhere around there,
and so the Tonopah Maru was there, too.
Carter sat in front of the scanner, massag-
ing the numbers in the cramped cell that
was the ships command center. He was the
trawler's captain, a lean, 30ish man, yellow
hair, brown beard, skin deeply tanned and
tinged with the iridescent greenish-purple
of his armoring build-up, the protective lay-
er that the infra-ultra drugs gave you. It was
midmorning. The (continued on page 94)

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY

I
ІНІ

а roundup of the
softest touches in town

fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE

FINDING A SKIN for all seasons is no easy
task. Polished leather is too warm for
those lazy, hazy days of late fall, and fur
looks and feels best when there's a dust-
ing of snow on the ground. That's why we
opt for suede as our year-round cover-up
of choice. Lightweight suede (goatskin is
the softest) in a short bomber jacket, a
shirt-style cut or even a three-button
sports coat is the obvious choice for layer-
ing over a sweater and a long-sleeved
shirt or a turtleneck. (The colors to look
for should include the earthy spice
tones—from curry brown to the hottest
mustard hues.) If old man winter is really
breathing down your neck, you can still
top the ensemble with an overcoat. As
the weather warms, you simply trade the
shirt or sweater for a lighter-weight one
while retaining the chill-cutting comfort
of suede. Best of all, suede, like fine

wine, ages beautifully. How suede it is!

Left: A soft goat-suede shirt-jacket with a draw-
string back, by La Matta, about $1300; worn over
а cotton/viscose mock-turtleneck sweater, from
Mondo Di Marco by Mondo, Inc., $75; and triple-
pleated wool-crepe trousers with windowpane
overplaid, by Zanella, $260. Right: A goat-suede
notched-lapel blazer with three-button front,
5990, pleated crinkled rayon/nylon trousers, 580, a
rayon/cotton—biend knit cardigan, $200, a ramie/
cotton sport shirt, $90, and a silk-crepe stained-
glass-print tie, $60, all by Ungaro Uomo Paris.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE PETRAKES

Below: A goat-suede zipper-front baseball jacket
with slant side pockets, by Breco's, $595; a cash-
mere/silk knit zippered sweater, by Brunello
Cucinelli, about $430; triple-pleated wool pants,
by Zanella, $250; and a green linen/silk scarf with
fringed ends, by Loro Piana, about $100. Right: A
suede Adirondack jacket with leather collar top
and button front, $1625, worn over a cashmerelsi

cable-design crew-neck sweater, $795. a plaid
linen buttondown sport shirt, $200, and a printed
linen handkerchief, $50, all by Joseph Abboud.

A VALENTINE FROM

KISSING is our greatest invention. On the
list of great inventions, it ranks higher
than the Thermos bottle and the
Airstream trailer; higher, even, than
room service, probably because the main
reason room service was created was so
that people could stay in bed and kiss
without starving.

Mirrors are a marvelous invention, as
well, yet their genesis didn't require a
truckload of imagination, the looking
glass being merely an extension of pond
surface, made portable and refined.
Kissing, on the other hand, didn't imitate
nature so much as it restructured it. Kiss-
ing molded the face into a new shape
called the pucker, and then, like a rene-
gade fruit welder soldering scoops of
muskmelon to halves of cherries, it com-
bined puckers. Made them compatible.
Interchangeable. Malleable. And animat-
ed them. Thomas Edison, turn off your
dim bulb and take a hike!

‘Tradition informs us that kissing, as
we know it, was invented by medieval
knights for the utilitarian purpose of de-
termining whether their wives had been
tapping the mead barrel while the
knights were away on Crusades, If histo-
ry is accurate (for once), the kiss began as
an osculatory wire tap, or oral snoop, a
kind of alcoholic chastity belt, after the
fact. Form is not always faithful to func-
tion, however, and eventually, kissing for
kissing’s sake became popular in the
courts, spreading to tradesmen. peasants
and serfs. And why not? For kissing is
fun and kissing is sweet. It was as if all
the atavistic sweetness remaining in civi
lized, Christianized, Western man were
funneled into kissing and kissing alone.

Kissing is the supreme ach
the Western. world. Orientals, including
those who tended the North Am
continent before the land developers ar-
rived from Europe in the 16th Century,
rubbed noses, and millions still do. Yet,
despite the golden cornucopia of their
millennia—they gave us yoga and gun-
powder, Buddha and pasta—they, their
multitudes, their saints and sages never
produced a kiss. (The Rig Veda, a 4000-
year-old Hindu text, makes reference to
kissing, but who knows the precise na-
ture of the activity to which the Sanskrit
word alludes? Modern Asians have taken
up kissing much as they ve taken up the
fork, though so far they havent im-
proved upon it as they usually do with
the things that they adopt.)

Kissing is the flower of the civilized
world. So-called primitives, savages, Pyg-
mies and cannibals have shown tender-
ness to one another in many tactile ways,
but pucker against pucker has not been

their style. Tropical Africans touched
lips, you say? Quite right, many of them
did, as did aboriginal peoples in other
parts of the world. Ah, but although their
lips may have touched, they did not
linger. And the peck is a square wheel,
inchoate and slightly ominous. With what
else did Judas betray our savior but a
peck, terse, spit-free and tongueless?

Kissing is the glory of the human spe-
cies. All animals copulate, but only hu-
mans kiss. Parakeets rub beaks? Sure
they do, but only little old ladies who
murder schoolchildren with knitting
needles to steal their lunch money so that
they can buy fresh kidneys for kitty cats
would place bird billing in the realm of
the true kiss. There are primatologists
who daim that apes exchange oral alfec-
tion, but from here, the sloppy smacks of
chimps look pretty rudimentary: They're
probably just checking to see if their
mates have been into the fermented ba-
nanas. No, random beast-to-beast snout
friction may give narrators of wildlife
films an opportunity to plumb new
depths of anthropomorphic cuteness, but
it doesn't сш the cherub-flavored mus-
tard in the osculation department.

Psychologists claim that talking to pets
is a socially acceptable excuse for talking
to ourselves. That may say something in-
teresting about those of you who kiss
your pets, but you shuuldir't let it stop
you. Smooch your bulldog if you're so
inclined. Buss your sister, your brother,
your grandpa and anybody's bouncing
baby. No kiss is ever wasted, not even on
the lottery ticket kissed for luck. Kiss
trees. Favorite books. Bowling balls. Old
Jews sometimes kiss their bread before
eating it, and those are good kisses, too.
They resonate in the ether. The best kiss-
es, though, are those between lovers, be-
cause those are the consequential ones,
the risky ones, the transformative ones,
the ones that call the nymphs and satyrs
back to life, the many-layered kisses that
we dive into as into a fairy-tale frog pond
or the warm whirlpool of our origins.

The fact that we enjoy watching others
kiss is probably some sort of homing in-
stinct. In any case, it explains the popu-
lar appeal of Hollywood and Paris. Who
can forget the elastic thread of saliva that
for one brief but electrifying second con.
nected Yvonne De Carlo to Dan Duryea
in Black Bart? And Joni Mitchell's
“In France, they kiss on Main Street” set
thousands of the romantically fascinated
to packing their bags for Orly.

Where would lovers be without the
kiss? No other flesh like lip flesh! No
meat like mouth meat! The musical clink
of tooth against tooth! The wonderful
curiosity of tongues!

HE KISS

LET'S TIPTOE
"THROUGH THE
TWO LIP:

ILLUSTRATION BY MEL 0001

PLAYBOY

HOT SKY (continued from page 87)

“This was open territory, a lawless zone where
old-fashioned piracy was making a comeback."

shot of Screen he'd taken at dawn still
simmered like liquid gold in his
He could almost feel it as it made its slow
journey outward to his capillaries and
trickled into his skin, where it would car-

armor that shielded him against ozone
crackle and the demon eye of the sun.

"This was only his second year at sea.
The company liked to move people
around. [n the past few years, he'd been a
desert jockey in bleak, forlorn Spokane,
running odds reports for farmers bet-
ting on the month the next rainstorm
would turn up, and before that a cargo
dispatcher for one of the company’s L-5
shuttles, and a chip runner before that.
And one of these days, if he kept his nose
clean. he'd be sitting in a corner office
atop the Samurai pyramid in Kyoto.
Carter hated a lot of the things he'd had
to doin order to play the company game.
But he knew that it was the only game
there was.

“We got maybe a two-thousand-kiloton
mass there,” he said, looking into the
readout wand's ceramic-fiber cone. “Not
bad, eh?"

“Not for these days, no," Hitchcock
said. He was the oceanographer/navig;
tor, a grizzled, flat-nosed Afro-Hawaiian
whose Screen-induced armor coloring
gave a startling midnight look

Hitchcock was old enough to remember
when icebergs were never seen farther
north i

than the latitude of southern
n, these days, a berg that's still
that big all the way up here must have
been three counties long when it broke
off the fucking polar shelf. But you sure
you got your numbers right, man?"

The implied challenge brought a glare
to Carters eyes, and something went
curling angrily through his interior, leav-
ing a hot Іше trail. Hitchcock never
thought Carter did anything
first time. Although he often denied it—
too loudly—it was pretty clear Hitcl
had never quite gotten over h
mentat being bypassed for captain in fa-
vor of an outsider. Probably he thought it.
was racism. But it wasn't. Carter was
managerial track; Hitchcock wasn't.
That was all there was to it.

Sourly һе said, “You want to check the
screen yourself? Here. Here, take a
look.” He offered Hitchcock the wand.

Hitchcock shook his head. “Easy, man.
Whatever the screen says, that’s OK for
me.” He grinned disarmingly, showing
mahogany snags. On the screen, impene-
trable whorls and jiggles were dancing,

black on green, green on black, the occa-
sional dazzling bloom of bright yellow.
The Tonopah Maru's interrogatory beam
was traveling 22,500 miles straight up to
Nippon Telecom's big marine scansat,
which had its glassy, unblinking gaze
trained on the entire eastern Pacific,
looking for albedo differentials. The
reflectivity of an iceberg is different from
the reflectivity of the ocean surface. You
pick up the differential, you confirm it
with temperature readout, you scan for
mass to see if the trips worth while. If it
is, you bring your trawler in fast and
make the grab before someone else does.

This berg was due to go to San Francis-
co, which was in a bad way for water just
now. The entire West Coast was. There
hadn't been any rain along the Pacific
Seaboard in ten months. Most likely, the
ound here was full of trawlers—
Seattle, San Diego, L.A. The Angelenos
kept more ships out than anybody else.
The ‘Tonopah Maru had been chartered
to them by Samurai Industries until last
month. But the trawler was working for
San Francisco this time. The lovely city
by the bay, dusty now, sitting there under
that hot, soupy sky full of interesting-col-
ored greenhouse gases, waiting for the
rain that almost never came anymore.

Carter “Start getting the word
around. That berg's down here, south-
southwest. We get it in the grapple tomor-
row, we can be in San Francisco with it by
a week from Tuesday”

“IF it dont melt first.
heat.”

“It didnt melt between Antarctica and
here, not gonna melt between here
and Frisco. Get a move on, ma
want L.A. coming in and

By midafternoon, they were picking
ир ап overhead view via the Weather De-
partment spysat, then a sea-level image
bounced to them by a Navy relay buoy.
The berg was a thing like a castle afloat,
maybe 900 meters long, stately
serene, all pink turrets and indigo
ments and blue-white pinnacles, rising
high above the water. Steaming curt
of fog shrouded its edges. For the past
couple of million years, it had been sit-
ting on top of the South Pole, and it prob-
ably hadn't ever expected to go cruising
off toward Hawaii like this. But the big
climate shift had changed a lot of things
for everybody, the antarctic ice pack in-
cluded.

“Jesus,”
и?”

This fucking

Hitchcock said. “Сап we do

"Easy" said Nakata. He was the grap-
ple technician, a sleek, beady-eyed, cat-
like little guy. "It'll be a four-hook job, but
so what? We got the hooks for it.”

The ‘Tonopah Maru had hooks to
spare. Most of its long, cigar-shaped hull
was taken up by the immense rack-and-
pinion gear that powered the grappling
hooks, a vast, silent mechanism capable
of hurling the giant hooks far o
and whipping them down dee]
flanks of even the biggest bergs. The
deck space was given over almost entirely
to the great spigots that were used to
spray the bergs with a sintering of melt-
retardant mirror dust. Down below was a
powerful fusion-driven engine, strong
enough to haul a fai
halfway around the world.

Everything very elegant, except there
was barely any room left over for the
crew of five. Carter and the others were
jammed into odd little corners here and
there. For living quarters, they had cubi-
h bigger than the coffin-

ping capsules you got at an
airport hotel, and for recreation space,
they all shared one little blister dome aft
and a pacing area on the foredeck. A sar-
dine-can kind of life, but the pay
good and at least you could breathe fresh
air at sea, more or less, instead of the
dense gravish-green murk that hovered
over the habitable parts of the West
Coast.

They were right at the mi
wall. The sea around them w:
sign of warm water. Just to the west,
though, where the berg was, the water
was a dark, rich olive green with all the
microscopic marine life that cold water
fosters. The line of demarcation was
plainly visible.

Carter was running triangulations to
see if they'd be able to slip the berg under
the Golden Gate Bridge when
appeared at his elbow and said,
a ship, Сарп.

“What you sa

He wondered if he were going to have
to fight for his berg. That happened at
times. This was open territory, pretty
much a lawless zone where old-fashioned
piracy was making a terrific comeback

Rennett was maintenance/operations,
a husky, broad-shouldered little kid out
of the Midwest dust bowl, no more than
chest-high to him, very cocky, very tough.
She kept her scalp shaved, the way a lot of
them did nowadays, and she was as
brown as an acorn all over, with the pur-
ple glint of Screen shining brilliandy
through, making her look almost
Huorescent. Brown eyes as bright as mar-
bles and twice as hard looked back at
him.

"Ship," she said, clipping it out of the
ide of her mouth as if doing him a favor.
ight on the other side of the berg.

(continued on page 140)

Smily

“Hugh Hefner? . . . Married? ...”

al So жесі

PLAYBOY IS PROUD TO PRESENT А PORTFOLIO OF PAINTINGS
BY ITS RENOWNED CONTRIBUTING ARTIST DENNIS MUKAI

ENNIS MUKAI plays with a traditional form, the human

figure—the ultimate aesthetic challenge. While the con-
tributing artists for Vogue use vibrant color and electric line to
describe clothes, he uses the same tools to depict women. The
resulting images have captivated both male and female viewers.
“What takes it away from normal portraiture art.” says the 32-
year-old Japanese-born, California-raised artist, “is the ges-
tural play. Pinups were realistic. You could reach out and touch
a Vargas girl. Here vou are playing with the illusion,
the art of design. For some artists, line and flat color are in-
spired. For me. it's what is missing—sometimes there's nothing

there and the сус has to fill in." Mukai acknowledges that com-
parisons between him and his late teacher and friend, Patrick
Nagel, are inevitable, flattering and occasionally frustrating.
When Dennis маза student at the Art Center College of Design
in Pasadena, he studied with Pat. Mukai was influenced by the
subject matter. “Today, anyone who does a beautiful woman
mpared with Patrick,” he says. Like his late colleague's,
s popular images have found welcome homes at Playboy

rage Editions and galleries throughout the world. ‘Ther
important differences between the two artists, however.

Тот Stoebler, Art Director of Ployboy ond Mukoi' longtime friend, soys Mukoi's work is “magicol ond mystical. 11% also spontoneous, full of life
and verve. The beauty of these models is ideolized without losing the individual characteristics. They are contemporory icons, coolly restroined
yet human.” Mukai works on о large scale: His convoses moke an imposing display. Eoch potch of color becomes an impressionist pa

idealized women, turning every one of them into a Nagel wom- — portraits stare you down: women are attracted to the soft-
an. “I don't want to just idealize them,” says Mukai, "I want to er, more lyrical images with sidelong glances. When asked by
keep the portraiture. A lot of it is what Lam naturally attracted one reporter why he drew women, Mukai replied. “1 prefer
to—for the paintings to be compositionally strong, 1 need to + drawing women as opposed to still lifes and pes because
use the power of full lips, intense eyes, a well-defined jaw line. women are mysterious. sexy and interesting.” His paintings are
These are the things 1 need to enhance,” The rest is artistry. a tribute 10 the irrepressible sensuousness of women, neither
Both men and women buy his paintings. Men tend to buy the sexist nor sexual. but animated and vibrant. Arigato, Dennis.

Each painting has а name—Nan, Diana, Ronnie, Kimberley (yes. that's Mrs. Hefner at top right on the opposite page). Mukai not only points
but styles ond photographs each model himself to capture her spirit and visual excitement. The result is art of a high order. Some of these pcint-

ings, incidentally, may well appear as graphics at your favorite gallery. On a smaller scale. you can see his work on the Advisor page eoch month.

MINUTES

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI

WITHDRAWAL

a hot-to-trot guide to gourmet microwave cooking

. food By KAREN MACNEIL and CARL JEROME

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT to canines, a man’s best friend is sure-
ly his microwave oven. It sits like a TV set on the counter
or is built into the wall. You press a few buttons and, in
the time it takes to make a couple of martinis, presto!
Cuisine (not just food) happens. No small leap for
mankind, this gizmo. The beauty of it all is that you don’t
need to know a damn thing about cooking to turn out
dishes that make it seem as though you've been tinkering
in haute technique your entire adult life. But it's not only
the nuker's utter simplicity that makes it so appealing, it's
the speed. With a microwave, (continued on page 155)

The Sharp R-9H91 microwave, pictured here, offers convectian/
micrawave capabilities, Sensor Temp (an automatic probe with seven
preset oven and faod temperature settings), plus one-tauch sensar
keys for reheating and coaking popcarn and mare, 562995.

miss february is a

canadian all-star with

an all-american dream

ІМ. BEAUTY

THE GREATER vancouver Water District denies it, but there must be something in the city’s
drinking water. Vancouver, Canada’s third largest city and the jewel of British Columbia, used
to be a rugged lumber-mill town. Now its principal export seems to be beautiful women. One
of Playboy's greatest beauties, 1980 Playmate of the Year Dorothy Straten, was a Vancouver
girl, Ditto the reigning Playmate of the Year, Kimberley Conrad, Mrs. Hugh Hefner, and sev-
en other Playmates. Now comes Pamela Anderson. a native of nearby Ladysmith, who moved
from tiny Comos, B.C., to Vancouver a couple of years ago and now steps onto our centerfold
as British Columbia's newest jewel. As a towheaded teen in Comox (population 6000-plus),

Do you recognize the fountain?
ls at the Pasodena mansion
that was the scene of a
Dynasty wrestling match be-
tween Joan Collins and Linda
Evans. Its latest visitor is Miss
February, Pamelo Anderson,
the pride af British Columbia.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA AND ARNY FREYTAG

103

Pamela first became famed as a
volleyball player. She starred for
the British Columbia Provincial
‘Team, a squad of all-star spikers
who took on the best prep volley-
ballers in the land. Shortly there-
after, the sports-minded Pamela
took їп а B.C. Lions football game
in Vancouver and made a national
spectacle of herself. Duded up in
blue, the signature color of La-
Бап Beer—she was then living іп
a house with a couple of Labaus
employees—she caught the eye of
a national-TV cameraman. Foot-
ball fans all over Canada called the
network to inquire about the side-
line stunner at the Lions game.
Next thing she knew, Pamela was a
Labatt’s poster girl. "Things start-

ed happening fast,” she says: other
posters, print ads, TV commer-
cials. To keep her wits about her,
she kept a journal in which she
recorded her experiences. “This is

the beginning of a new life for
me,” she wrote. She moved from
Comox to the big town across the
Strait of Georgia. In Vancouver,
she worked as a model and studied
airline routes in her spare time.
She got her сеги
agent, just in case her plans for an
even bigger move didn't work out.

cation as a travel

“Canada is more traditional than
America,” says Pomelo. "Making
lave is more private—samething
you don't talk about. Down here,
its more . . . public. I'm not
against that, but | от а Canadian.
| danît just show it off all the time.”

“Hollywood people are dreamers.
Always grabbing for something
big,” says Miss Febru
цей in California. “I'm a dreamer,
too, so I guess I belong here.” Нег
patrons—one is the ex-mate of a

newly set

pop diva—have arranged acting,
voice and dance lessons for Pame-
la, who dreams of grabbing an Os-
car. She now studies scripts the way
she once pored over airline sched-
ules, and more than one casting di-
rector has told her she is sure to go
far. Thi:

though, is her first big
break. “I hope that when people
see me in Playboy,” she says,
“they'll see more than the surface.
1 hope they'll see a Comox girl
reaching for a dream.”

107

“| may be a little old fashioned,
but | like to have fun. One of my
goals is to make love in every
country in the world.” Asked how
close she is to her ambition, Pame-
la laughs. “I've got only two so far,
but I told you—l'm a dreamer.”

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

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AMBITIONS: glo dace A a u»sodecí( uye
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arms, OV and red chicken.

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CANADIAN тағы EKUA He trod)

Ae oe Meine FANS зц зше а”
picnic. beste бой ef beers

AMERICAN la una, ne Umo to Lo Come:
BEING A PLAYMATE re Sect of sorgemuns, Dig!

demand өріс” UNE Сас\"
Gemy

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

A man walked into a brothel and said he wanted
а girl. “Harry grease up Linda!” the madam
yelled up the stairs. “Thatll be a hundred
bucks,” she told the customer.
“That's a little too steep for me,” he admi
Harry, grease up Ma
“She's fifty bucks.”
Can't afford her, either" the
grease up Soph
»pelully to her custon

ied.
ry!” the madam shouted.

ту? he said, hanging his head.
Well, how much do you hav
eks.”

she ordered,

grease up!"

ked the attoi

about
Um sorry.” he said, "but
e Contented Home for Poor

The teary eyed widow

her late husband's will.

he left all he had to th

Widows.
“But what about me?" she asked.
“You were all he had.”

Whats the difference between a Seventh Av
ment buyer and a pit bull? Jewelry

nue

As he conducted his investigation of a deadly
five-car accident, Detective Cook spotted a mon-
key sitting on the hood of a wrecked car. Whe
he was ready to leave, he put the animal in his car
nd drove toward the county гоо. “I wish you
could tell me what happened back there,” the cop
mused. The monkey nodded its head. “OK, what
ppened?” Cook asked. The monkey raised its
nds to its mouth in a drinking motion. "So they
were drinking. Is that all?" Fhe monkey shook its
head and brought its hand to its mouth, pretend-
ng to smoke. “бо they were drinking and smok
g Is chat all? hook its head and
brought its hands together in a fucking motion
“Ah, they were drinking, smoking and fucking,”
the hell were you doing?”
raised its hands in a driving motion
neck over its right shoulder.

Whars the most popular bra size in St. Peters-

burg? Thirty-eight long,

A guy went to
he wol
ng drea
then he w

psychiatrist compl

ming every night from altern

he would dream he was a tepee,
a wigwam.

“Well, first of all,” the doctor replied, “relax.

You're two tents.

lı was the year 2039 and medical miracles had
become commonplace. Brian saw his fi m
emerge from a doctors office with a peculiar e
pression on his face.

“Is the news good or bad?" Brian asked.

“Both,” Sam replied. “The good news is, Im
finally pregn:

Thats wonderful. Congratut:

gushed. “What's the bad пе

“My obstetrician doesn't do C sections.

ns!" Br

Insiders report the real reason Exxon suspended
its operation in Alaska was so that it could begin
the cleanup of its service эп rest rooms.

One night, an angel walked into a bar and ap-
proached three men on barstools. To the first, the
angel said, “If you believe in me enough to give
me twenty dollars, I сап promise you everlasting
life.

Pm an athei and don't believe in angels,” he
said, getting up to leave
The angel made the same offer to the second
Well." the fellow said, scratching his chin
nostic and I'm not sure if I believe in
you or not, but here's twenty dollars

The angel then walked up to the third man.
“Tm Jim Bakker and I heard your offer,” he said.

dom care whether you're an angel or not—just
show me the trick with the agnostic and ГІ give
you fifty bucks.

n with fertility problems was complain-
husband of her hopeless desire to have

children.
Well, honey,” he said consolingly, "we can al-
ways go for those frozen embr
Frozen embryos!" she excla

"I dont even

Why dont masochists drink? It dulls the pain.

While sitting in the vers waiting room with his
cat, a man saw a woman walk in with a very hand-
some golden retriever

“That's a beautiful animal, and so frisky,” he
said to her. "He can't be sick. What's he here lo
shot?

“No, not a shot,” she said.

"He's sick? Whats wrong w

“He has syphilis.”
Syphilis? How did he get syphilis?”
“Well, he says he got it off а

th him?”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy,
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago,
Hi. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

himself”

116

JIM 6 HARRY'S

in the calmest country

TOTALLY OK

in central america,

ADVENTURE

life is but a breeze

IN BELIZE

travel By JAMES R. PETERSEN

and the Limo of Doom?”

Five minutes into the trip and my companion and I are ar-
guing over movie rights. As the chauffeur pilots the stretch limo
ош toward O'Hare, I'm going through my pockets looking for
drugs. At last 1 find them. We each take two tablets of chloroquine
phosphate. . . .

The bitter-tasting antimalarial medication will be our only
guard against the blood-sucking insect gods of the Mosquito
Coast. That and the bandoleer of DeepWoods Off I wear over one
shoulder.

This adventure began as an idea for a series of travel articles to
be called Necessary Shill. I wanted to visit the ultimate arenas for
various sports, to describe, for example, what it was like for a wave
sailor to get upside down at Ho'okipa. My editor was reluctant.
“The magazine can't send readers to a place where if they don't
have the necessary skill, they have a bad time,” he said.

“Well, sir,” 1 replied, “at Ho'okipa, it's not a question of having a
bad time. If you don’t have the necessary skill, you die.”

Find a place, he said, where everyone can have fun.

Oh, all right.

1 contacted Harry Arader, unindicted coconspirator and board-
sailing side-kick, and planned a little adventure. An occasional
writer for Wind Surf magazine (as well as a director of marketing
for a major pharmaceutical corporation), he suggested the destina-
tion. We contacted Tropical Travel in Houston and ended up with a
not-uncomplicated itinerary.

It is a simple fact that you cannot have an adventure without
changing planes at least once. There are no direct flights to the
edge. Every connection is crucial. We stand with our faces pressed
to the plate-glass window of the Houston airport, watching bag-
gage handlers load our gear into the belly of a Continental jet.
The long purple canvas bag, filled with flaming bundles—
four fluorescent windsurfing sails—disappears from view. The
couple next to us sighs as three large duffels containing a collapsi-
ble ocean kayak march up the conveyer. (continued on page 128)

5 ownar are you going to call this,” asked Harry, “Indiana Jones

ILLUSTRATION BY OAVIO WILCOX

PLAYBOY.

DT р ШЕ

things you can live without, but who wants to?

Priced from $440 for the circa-1897 corved wooden Airedale to $1200 for the circa-1870 man's-head coin holder,
these wolking sticks ore just o sample of the mony unusual ontiquities in stock ot Julion Grahom-White Ltd. Eccentric-
ities, 957 Modisan Avenue, New York. A serious boulevardier with bucks con purchase oll of the above for $9055.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO

Chromed steel ond faux marble
give the Manhattan Clack Ro-
dio by Wwtton a deco look.
The АМ/ҒМ radio has music оғ
alarm wake-up and sleep and
snocze controls distributed
by Ciceno, New York, $125.

Sonys spiffy-loaking SPP-S10
water-resistant two-channel
cordless sports telephone has a
1000-foor range and features
security codes and last-number
redial. It also functions as

а two-way intercam, $240.

Vilac’s 15” stylized model of а
vintoge Dadge pickup truck
is handmade in France from
hardwoods, then hand dipped
in a lacquer finish, from
Schylling — Assaciates, Peo-
body, Massachusetts, $175.

This Porsche-detigned silver-
coated electric shaver fits se-
curely in the palm of the hand
and snugly into a travel bag,
from T. Anthony, New York,
$235, including о cleaning
brush housed in the shaver.

Bang & Olufsens Beovision MX
5000 26” contrast-enhanced
screen is on improved-definition
(ID) television monitor 18"
deep, in red, blue, black,
gray or white, $1995. Ор-
tional motorized stand, $200.

Tolk about inexpensive fun! The
Mt. Storm ATB/Mountain Bike,
а 26-inch, 18-speed model with
Duralite wishbone frame, olloy
rims and all-terrain tires, from
Huffy Bicycles, Dayton, Ohio,
costs only $120. Cheap!

This limited-edition Monopoly

set comes in o suedelike corry-
ing cose ond features sterling-
silver pieces, о Lucite gome
boord ond parchment money,
from The Price of His Toys,
Beverly Hills, Colifornio, $2500.

HE FACT IS, no one watches ТУ any-
T more; we drive the beast. Sitting
there with our remote controls, we
careen wildly from network to cable to VCR
unul. like a kid on a barstool, we're dizzy
and sick from foo much fun. But let’s suppose
that for just one night we were able to put it
all to rest—stop changing channels, stop the
manic hunt for more and better entertain-
ment. Lets say that on this one perfect,
dreamlike evening. we could erase all the
boundaries of TV programing— put on as
many shows as we wanted, introduce stars
from one program into another, ignore all
the usual constraints of time and break for
commercials only when we felt like it.
Could any one line-up of prime-time fare
actually hold our attention all the way
through? Maybe, if we were viewing.

1000
RATINGS
POINTS

toss the remote and
stow the vcr. this,
dear viewer,
is ultimate tv

humor by
FRED GRAVER

O em: Pull the family round the set,
"cause youre in for a twin treat on Cosby! Yes,
it's America's two favorite sitcom comics in a
double bill. as Roscanne (Roseanne Barr)
drops by the office of Dr. Huxtable (Bill Cos-
by) for a routine sonogram. Because this is
the first time the good doctor has actually
been shown working, hilarious complica-

t Dr. Huxtable begins to wire
Roseanne 10 his ultrasound apparatus
What he doesnt know is that the irrepress-
ible Theo (Malcolm-Jamal Warner) mis-
chievously connected Docs equipment to
the family cable-TV box. Boy is Dr.
Huxtable in for a big surprise: Roseanne is
not playing host io an exotic virus—no, she’s
hosting the 1990 Super Bowl! Talk about a
programing coup!

7:43 км: This episode of Cosby be-
comes a shocking condemnation of tht
male-oriented (contmued on page 158

ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BRODNER

@ QUE

ЗЕЛЕ al

DWIGHT YOAKAM

Di Yoakam was born 33 years ago in

Dr: County, Kentucky. Although has
family had to migrate north to Ohio in
search of factory jobs, they returned home
every weekend. Dwight was thus able to
grow up in the local holler and absorb a
way of life that is now almost extinct.

He headed for Nashville in his late teens,
but he got no further than an audition at
Opryland. His music, with its high, drawn-
out notes, evokes a reedy sadness. He was
told to change it to resemble the bubbly pop
music heard everywhere on radios. Instead,
he drove to L.A. and found work singing
and playing guitar in honky-tonk and cou-
punk bars. That was 12 years ago. Since
then, his first album, “Guitars, Cadillacs,
Etc, Etc,” has gone platinum; “Hillbilly
Deluxe” and “Buenas Noches from a Lone-
ly Room" have gone gold; and this past fall,
he finished “Just Lookin’ for a Hit.”

Trish Wend met him at his managers
office in L.A. She tells us: “Dwight strode
into the room out of breath and a little
frayed around the edges. The workmen who
were installing his swimming pool had
locked him out of his house. He wore ripped
jeans, an untucked white shirt and, in a
major departure from his publicity pictures,
no hat. He still looked. great.”

PLAYBOY: Why аге so many sad country
songs sung so fast and cheerfully?

YOAKAM: There really is a dichotomy. It's
the same way with bluegrass songs. The
up-tempo ones are often about enormous
tragedy, whether its love, a death in the
family or day-to-day struggles. It's a way
to confront sorrow directly with such en-

ergy that you over-
hollywood's come your despair.
" 2
teetotaling rio: Wht al
ld

ge 2 pie
tarts, cheatin

hearts and

what to look

one into a country-
music fan?

yoakam: Listen to
some early blue-
grass—like Bill
Monroe or the

t i. Stanley Broth-
for in a sense SE Pm
i start to have ап
ble pair of MAGO
P where the music
bluejeans е е т

raw state. It articu-
lates the struggle
of a specific sub-

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RANDEE ST. NICHOLAS

culture in rural Appalachia, the Ozarks
and the dust-bowl and panhandle areas.
Country music is a white ethnic art form.
Its ethnicity is cultural, though, not
racial. You should also listen to some ear-
ly Carter family recordings. Hank
Williams, Sr., will help you develop an af-
fecuon for people like Stonewall Jackson,
Johnny Cash and Johnny Horton. And
George Jones's early work.

PLAYBOY: You're on a one-man mi: to
disprove the notion that country singers
are illiterate at worst or self-taught at
best. Tell us about the education of
Dwight Yoakam.

уолкам: My early schooling bored me. 1
became disillusioned with things very
easily. I hated math, but geography and
history came naturally. 1 even hid in the
library and read encyclopedias. But I was
always involved with my music. and that
was a big distraction from class time and
homework. I had a band in high school
called the Greasers, and we did rock-a-
billy and old Buddy Holly covers and ear-
ly Elvis stuff. 1 played some football, too,
but I was skinny and constantly being
beaten to death on the field. I've always
loved basketball. I was at least built for
that.

Then I went to Ohio State. After 1
moved to L.A., I transferred to the city
college here, but my musical career kept
interrupting school. If I'd finished, 1
probably would have majored in history.

pcaysoy: When riding your horse, do you
concentrate on your horsemanship or on
where you're going?

ҮОАКАМ: [Smiles] 1 think about staying on
the horse, mainly, Quarter horses have
stability and common sense. You need as
much as you can get out here; its very
mountainous and hilly, and there's a lot
of loose dirt. I didn’t want to name him
anything that was scattered or emotion-
ally unstable, like Cloud Dancer. 1
figured that if 1 was gonna ride him on a
trail, he'd better be real nice and level
and balanced. So I named him Scout.

PLAYBOY: There's always a relational prob-
lem in country songs; for example, she’s
cheating, she never loved him, shes be-
ing cruel. Take off your cowboy hat, as it
were, and give us some real-life advice.

yoakam: You have to realize that not ev-
erybody is meant to be with you. In fact,

it takes a while to find somebody with
whom you're truly emotionally compat-
ible. And I don't mean romantically com-
patible, because thats just infatuation.
Ils more important to be concerned
about adjusting to and understanding
each other, so that you don’t wreck your
life ona daily basis.

PLAYBOY: You once tried to drive your
truck through a former girlfriend's
house. Was it something she s
YoakAM: No, it was something she did.
She betrayed the relationship. All 1 could
do was get into my truck and start driv-
ing up the lawn to her house. Fortunately,
a wheel on the grass got caught on the
pipe underneath my truck. [Laughs] 1
tore out the corner of my turn signal,
and the shock ended my little reverie. I
don't know that I necessarily would have
stopped the truck myself. You just have
to realize that, hey, if she can't be trust-
ed, then you have to deny her that trust.
Just take it back and never return it. No
matter what.

PLAYBOY: What are the three danger signs
that a relationship's over?

yoakam: [Grins] Empty closets, all the
furniture gone, phone ripped out of the
wall. That might tell you the relation-
ship's on its way out the window.

pLavsoy: People have written that your
hat seems to be sewn to your forehead
And fans at your concerts hold up signs
Saying WHATS UNDER THE HAT. DWIGHT?
Why do we never see you without one?
ҮОАКАМ: I wear my hat because I started
performing in it, and I feel comfortable
that way. And now it’s become part of the
image. But you're seeing me without a
hat. And a lot of people see me without
опе. It's just that once you put one on, you
don't usually take it off, because it mashes
your hair down. My hair's thin, so a hat
doubly messes it up. I'd be less than hon-
est if I said 1 didn't want to try to look
good; so once 1 wear it, I don't want to
take it off.

PLAYBOY: Would we ever find you ina pair
of Nikes?

Yoakam: No, I'm a Converse man. But
that’s just for playing basketball I've
worn boots ever since 1 got out of high
school. I just (continued on page 148)

v THE TIME you hit 15, you lost
count of the boys who've come in
your hand. There аге plenty
you've jerked off intentionally, too.
But you lose count of the ones who
grabbed your hand when they
needed it. The one who did it
‚Christmas Eve in St. Patrick's to O
Come All Ye Faithful. When it happened
in a Stingray Corvette, you thought he
was downshifting. Once, you got it wait-
ingin line at a funeral. Some you couldn't
call hand jobs. Some were thigh jobs.
Boys pressed into you by the lockers and
in elevators—elevator jobs. There was a
dance called the fish, where you held
each other close and didn't move your
feet—tfish jobs. Silhouettes was а good
song for that. On Daddy Cool, the flip
side, you could dry off and get ready for
the next one. There were forearm jobs.
Dry humps, wet humps. Everybody's
smelled different. It smelled like ammo-
nia, Chinese food and blue stuff your
dad poured into the car. Vic's was green,
cozy green, thicker than rubber cement.
Smelled like lima beans. Even when you
loved him, there was nothing positive
you could say about it. All those sweet
boys shaving once a week, grabbing your
limp, unwary hand, pressing their dicks
into it. Somebody's, Harrys maybe, had
sparkles in it. Somebody's glowed.

These years, you were always looking
for something to wipe your hand on. It
happened mostly in the movies and in
cars. In the movies, you'd be distracted,

just something he needed and used. Aft-
erward, it felt edgeless, like a warm clam.
You slipped your hand away. You both
pretended not to notice. You never men-
tioned it. But what do you do with a
handful of jism at Loew's 83rd on a Sat-
urday night when the lights are going
up? Some passed you a battered hand-
kerchief without looking at you. Some
didn't. Then the lights would be up and
you'd be stuck there, blinking. There
you'd be with a handful of pearly, acrid,
tacky jism leaking through the fingers of
your cupped hand, and suddenly, after
your power had made this possible for
him, it was your problem. Where should
it go? Into the popcorn container? Under
the velvet seat with hard jism and gum?
After a while, you didn't think twice
about rubbing it on their coats. You liked
watching it sink into their sleeves.

Nobody cared if you got off or not. Aft-
er, they'd walk you home and you'd talk
about the movie. They'd keep their
hands in their pockets. At the apartment
door, they'd want to kiss you good night
but not know how. So you'd say, “Thank
you for a lovely evening,” just the way
your mother told you to, and extend your
dry hand. Some would ask you out again.
Some wouldn't. It was impossible to tell
which ones would. After a while, you
learned 10 be wary of boys who folded
their coats in their laps.

But the ones you liked. What a strange
thing го be able to touch it and make it
grow. It was magic. Your finger was a

“tongue,” “wet,” and watch it inflate like a
pool toy. You loved the boys who groaned
but loved best the ones who groaned and
touched you back. Touched you harder
the longer it went on. Kissed you.
Touched your hair.

Harry was first. He told you you could
get out of his car and walk home if you
didn't. You were dying to anyway. You
couldrit wait. So you pretended to sac-
rifice yourself. What kind of culture
makes it possible for a boy to legally drive
before he knows how to unhook a bra?
Behind water towers, on deserted winter
docks, in parking lots at night, on the liv-
ing-room couch, behind the washing ma-
chines, up in attics, in maids’ rooms on
Thursdays. At the drive-in.

“That's a really shitty thing to do, Har-
said. "I can't walk home from
Then you unhooked your bra for
him and prepared yourself for surprise.
Who would have known you could
laugh? It wasn't anything like 79 Park
Avenue or Lady Chatierleys Lover. Who
would have known it was fun? Why had
you held out so long? Harry's was thick,
pearly, thicker than its metaphor cream.
You stared at the glitter in your hand.
Each dot a baby. Each dot a wasted hu-
man being. Ten million sperm, more
than the population of New York City
What wastrels. What squanderers. Such
decadence. You lefi it on tennis courts,
lawns of strangers, park benches, dry-
docked boats, tool sheds. Your bed. Then
his bed. Then his mothers bed. Then

close encounters of the sticky kind By PATRICIA VO!

and suddenly, Eddie, Larry, Jeff or Steve
would grab your hand and there it would
be, the hardest, softest thing in the
world. The most vulnerable, terrifying
thing there was. Smooth, tingling,
changing because of you and your pow-
er. Sometimes they'd slap your hand over
it. Sometimes they'd squeeze your hand
over it. Sometimes they'd use your hand
to rub it, Your hand was neutral. The boy
told it what to do. It wasn't part of you,

magic wand. You could touch it to the
soft, pink doughboy helmet, the blind ba-
by rat. You could touch it with your magic
wand and—presto!—it would change in-
to something else. After a while, you
learned you could talk it up. You didnt
have to use your hand. You used words.
“Hot,” you would whisper to Harry
"Lips." “Thighs.” Then you'd watch it get
hard. It would suck up its wheels and
take off. “Mouth,” you'd say. “Warm,”

ILLUSTRATION BY EVERETT PECK

the ultimate—your mother's bed. You
worked yourself into frenzies. You could
have lit the world. But no matter how
much you got, you always wanted more.
Like all guys, Harry was happy once he
shot his wad. A couple of years later, you
found out, though. Somebody was happy
to teach you. Somebody couldn't wait to
show you what was in it for you.

PLAYBOY

128

BELIZE „али

“The Belizean government put a low priority on

tourism: ‘We are not a nation of waiters.’

”

The scuba divers relax as the oversize
backpacks containing tanks and regula-
tors join the cargo. The only guys not
worried are the fishermen, who carry
their $1000 poles in custom cases that fit
into the overhead compartments. The
plane looks like a Patagonia catalog
rolled into a tube, with wings.

Ме make the Belize connection

There is a secret to passion: It unlocks
the world. A windsurfer looks at a map of
the Caribbean and three or four islands
jump vividly into his imagination. A div-
er looks at the narrow chain of islands
south of the Yucatan and dreams about
the second largest barrier reef in the
world. A sports fisherman thinks of
secret spots, favorite guides, the quest for
bonefish and tarpons. The sea kayakers
think of running rivers beneath jungle
canopies teeming with tropical birds, of
sailing from cay to cay on the warm
trades. Archaeologists reading Mayan
creation myths dream of a world de-
scribed as the blue-green plate, the blue-
green bowl.

No mauer what your passion, near the
top of your wish list is the name Belize
(or, if your world adas is older, British
Honduras). In the past few years, it has
been renamed and rediscovered. Har-
rison Ford filmed The Mosquito Coast
there. A 60 Minutes crew went down to
film the kind of hard-hitting puff piece
they reserve for Yuppie culture gods
such as the Baron de Rothschild. Belize is
a Central American country that speaks
English, that is free of Contras and
camouflage, of postcolonial surliness. It
is a country full of characters who make
Andy Rooney seem like an uncooked
curmudgeon. Belize is a suburb of
Chicago; satellite dishes pirate the super-
stations, sucking WGN down from outer
space and piping it into shacks, turning
the natives into Cubs fans.

It is not a country free of danger. On
the plane, | catch a glimpse over the
shoulder of another passenger of a
guidebook to Belize. One phrase jumps
off the page: “It won't attack, unless. . . ."
Lam amused at the kind of soft adventur-
er who takes some writer's word for such
things, trusting the cover blurb that
claims the author has lived all his life
with sharks or jaguars or surly French
waiters and knows every single fucking
thing about them.

I understand for the first time the
concept of soft adventure. If this were
Guns & Ammo or Sudden Death Sushi
magazine, I would be expected to hand

in some hyperventilating essay: Teaching
а Moray Eel to Floss. The author's page
would run a picture of me surrounded by
40 heaving breasts, with only a Randall
knife clenched between my teeth. Some-
thing has changed in our definition of
adventure.

Maybe its our creation myth: The
book of Genesis gave man dominion over
the fish of the sea and over the birds of
the air and over all the earth. So we are
used to treating the world as a vicious,
surly collection of pissed-off creatures
and venture forth as manly men. That's
the old notion of adventure: The new ad-
venture sends men into nature armed
with cameras or nonpredatory athletic
skills. Leave only footprints, take only
pictures, sweat a lot. Use sun block.

We land at a funky airport in Belize
City: Tommy Thomson, the adventure
guru at Tropical Travel, told us to expect.
а Casablanca-style terminal. He needs a
new VCR. It is informal, filled with locals
selling wood carvings and conch jewelry
and outward-bound tourists converting
their Belizean currency w alcohol at the
bar. We shift our gear to a 16-зешег Trop-
ic Air prop plane and arc over turquoise
water toward San Pedro, on Ambergris
Cay. A manta ray moves through the
shallow waters: The effect is of a giant
eye following our progress across the sky.

We check into the SunBreeze Beach
Resort and meet David Childs, the local
master of windsurfing. He was a ski in-
structor at Vail from 1969 to 1985. He
was there when there were only 65 in-
structors (there are now more than 700)
and everything cost 81000 down—the
VW, the trailer, the acre of land, the di-
vorce. He went to Belize on retreat and
spent the summer in a room at Rosie's
that cost $125 a month (it now goes for
that a night). Colorado is a cold memory.
He hasn't driven a car or worn shoes in
three years.

He takes us on a tour of the town, start-
ing with dinner at Elvi's. There's a tree
growing in the middle of the dining
room. Appreciate your first impression
of San Pedro; it's so small you won't have
а second. There are three streets, actual-
ly sandy alleys, between tiny hotels, dive
shops, bars and restaurants. Hand-paint-
ed wooden signs are everywhere: A fleet
of smiling windsurfers is the first thing
you see, then lurid tropicalaquarium
scenes that advertise glass-bottom boat
rides and coral-reef dives, along with pic-
tures of parrots and macaws advertising.
river trips to Mayan ruins.

Quaintness has a spiritual value. San
Pedro is protected from the grotesque by
the size of the planes that can land there:
No one will be able to go in and throw
money into the ground to create a Miami
Beach or St. Martin. The island is experi-
encing a building boom, teaspoon by
teaspoon. Hundred-year-old working
sailboats called sandlighters are tied up
10 docks; brown-bodied Belizeans un-
load sand, concrete blocks, lumber, fresh
fruit, auto parts, furniture and the occa-
sional satellite dish from the mainland.
Workers with wheelbarrows haul the
sand and the concrete blocks through the
narrow streets to add gift shops or extra
rooms to the tiny hotels.

The town is long and narrow. Front
Street has the hotels, the dive shops, the
bars and the ocean. Middle Street has
two great eating establishments (Katan-
gas and Elvis), some grocery stores and
travel agencies. Back Street has housing,
the power station and the telephone ex-
change and fishing boats in dry dock
running along the inland lagoon. The
tallest building— The. Barrier Reef Ho-
tel—is three stories. A canal cuts the is-
land in half just north of town: On the
other side are some exclusive hotels (The
Belizean and Journey's End), accessible
only by boat. South of town, you have Ra-
mone' Reef Resort, La Joya Caribe, the
Victorian House Hotel and miles of man-
grove-lined beaches. Is not undiscov-
ered, just undeveloped. For years, the
Belizean government put a low priority
on tourism: “We are not a nation of wait-
ers and waitresses.” A change in the gov-
ernment shifted priorities: Now Belize is
a nation of fishing guides, dive masters,
riding instructors and windsurfing
dudes.

We tour the bars, drinking the local
beer, Belikin Premium. A Belikin won't
attack unless accompanied by several
rum punches. I remember the Tackle
Box bar, at the end of along pier, looking
down into a pen holding sharks and sea
turtles. Some fishermen sit at a small
table playing serious dominoes. Clack.
None of the bars are decorated with lob-
ster pots and fishing nets. In San Pedro,
the tools are still tools. There is an occa-
sional chart of the waters off San Pedro
and posters of Bob Marley. Someone has
plastered an Escare To wisconsin bumper
sticker over one bar.

1 remember pushing through the
swinging doors of Sandals, listening to a
reggaelrap band with one member play-
ing the only two notes he knew on the
trombone. Their faces smile the way
matches flare. David gets on stage and
sings Jimmy Buffets Margaritaville.
(Buffett once played in the town square
to an audience of 65 people, but that's
probably true for every island in the
Caribbean.) A girl radiating reckless

(continued on page 161)

“How would I love thee? Let me couni the ways . . . faster, gentler, stronger, defter,
cuddlier, snappier, sweeter, softer, spicier, stormier, quicker, quainter, quirkier,
tastier, stouter, richer, firmer, cheerier, wilder, giddier, dizzier, funnier,
racier, rowdier, smarter, sneakier, hotter, quieter, kinder. . . .”

130

PLAYBOY PROFILE

ADULTHOOD

DUDDY KRAVITZ

richard dreyfuss hits on something better than
a comeback. it’s called growing up

By STEVE PO?

OW MANY TIM]

f those places?

Richard Dreyfuss asks the question and sits

^ — back. The beginnings of a grin play at the edges

of his mouth. “You know,” he adds, "those video places. How
many times have you done that?"

Well, 1 stammer—wondering if this is some kind of trick
question—renting movies is something I do for fun sometimes.
but also for research. If I'm about to interview, say, Richard
Dreyfuss. I'll probably rent American Graffiti and Close Encoun-
ters of the Third Kind and Down and Out in Beverly Hills. . . .

"But you've done it."

Yeah. of course.

"How many times?”

Hundreds, probably.

This is the answer he has been waiting for. The fledgling grin
turns into a big self-satisfied smile, and Dreyfuss makes an an-
nouncement:

“Once.”

You've rented one movie?

"Yeah. Thats how out of it I am. Every time I go into one of
those stores, I look at the new releases. And I dont give a shit
about any of them. Or ] say to my wife, ‘Honey, I promise, this
week I'll take you to a movie” And then I look at the ads and 1
don’t wanna go to any of them.”

He shrugs. “Movies today—including the ones / make—are
made on small themes, about small people. 1 like great, sweep-
ing sagas, cavalry charges, thousands of people storming the
Bastille. You wanna make Lawrence of Arabia again, ГЇЇ go. Un-
til then, you'll have to drag me kicking and screaming into a
movie theater.

In other words, Richard Dreyfuss—who at one point had ap-
peared in three of the top-ten-grossing films of all time, who
won a best-actor Oscar and then weathered a mid-career crisis
to star in a string of successful films over the past few years and
whos now starring in Always, his third Steven Spielberg
movie—is out of the pop-culture mainstream. Absolutely no
videos. No movies. No pop music, cither; in his car, he listens to

have you rented a movie at one of

D
taped history books. And on top of everything else, he swears
that he cant remember the name of the one movie he rented.

Dreyfuss thinks about it all and laughs. “The phrase All work
and no play makes Jack a dull boy comes springing to mind," he
says. "I don't know why”

Richard Dreyfuss is on а roll

He's in his office on the old MGM lot in Los Angeles. He has
been talking about his life and his career. but now he's talking
about history. This is something that interests—you might say
fascinates, you might even say obsesses—him. There is nothing
glamourous or flashy about his looks, his demeanor, his arti-
tude—but watching him, even in this setting. you can almost
see how Dreyfuss. as a young Jewish kid without a single con-
ventional leading-man trait, transformed himself into a movie
star. He didn't do it with suavity or charm or anything like that
but with dogged tenacity, with a force of will that ultimately
made him impossible to ignore.

“His tendency is to do something to death or not at all,” says
his longtime friend Carrie Fisher. "To run pretty fast or stand.
perfectly still." And right now, he's running fast as he ticks off
the famous people he wants to portray

Teddy Roosevelt: “He epitomized his time more than any-
body He was America. There's this great line in a biography
that says it was the only time in American history when the most
interesting man in America was the President of the United
States

Adolf Hitler: “Everyone plays Hitler as a screaming mad-
man—and by doing that, they contribute to the idea that he was
not human, that he was evil incarnate, and therefore, we're not
responsible for what happened.”

Ulysses S. Grant: This is the finale, the man who stokes the
firesin Dreyfuss. Pacing in front of a bookcase—volumes on ev-
erything from history to Hollywood, politics to war strategy—
he outlines Grants remarkable life with equal parts of n
and precision, often interrupting himself with a volcanic laugh.
Its the kind of hyperactive, irrepressible performance that
ought to be familiar to anyone who (continued on page 150)

ILLUSTRATION BY MAX GINSBURG

Barney's Frank
about being gay, but
word that a male
hooker the Con-
gressman had be-
friended had run
a bisexual prosti-
tution ring from
his digs (left)
shook him.

HOLD THE MAYO

Everybody's favorite scene from When
Harry Met Sally . . . has Meg Ryan expertly
faking an orgasm for an incredulous Billy
Crystal—and other patrons of a New York
deli. One fascinated customer, who's played
by director Rob Reiners mom, tells her
waitress: “I'll have what shes having.”

IVE
BEEN
SUCKERED

LOWE PROFILE

First he partnered a Snow White clone
at the Oscars, two months later, Rob
Lowe was accused of seducing a

Rob Lowe Sex Scandal
— The Shocking Story
Behind His Hotel-Room

INDIA INK teen—and taping the action. The video $ Video With 16- u
everybody saw, however (below left), ee -Yi E Old

Famella; Bordes. recorded a different encounter. Rob's
ex-Miss India and

ап admitted callgirl,
filled tabloids with
tales of dalliance
with high-placed
Brits, Libyans and
Saudi arms dealer
Adnan Khashoggi.

‘ith an

next film: Bad Influence.
ші; EE H

BREAKING UP 15 HARD TO DO

It was a big year for ruptured romances, in-

— THE- cluding the 13-year liaison between Clint
Eastwood and Sondra Locke, during all

of which, court papers revealed, she was
— YEAR married to another man, who lived in the

Hollywood Hills house Clint gave her.

[E]

the splits, the scandals, the pratfalls of 1989

ART ATTACK

Would-be censors have been battering the art
world—with mixed results. An exhibit of photos by
the late Robert Mapplethorpe (left), some of them
homoerotic, was dropped by Washington's Cor-
coran Gallery, which feared loss of National
Endowment for the Arts funds. Senator
Jesse Helms did
try, with some
success, to ban
Federal funding

for “obscene”

art; already the
NEA has with-
drawn a previ-
ously approved
810,000 grant for
an art show about
the impact of AIDS.
Officials at the Chi-
cago Public Library Cul-
tural Center posted a
warning sign near Eric
Fischl's Boys at Bat but
left the painting of the
nude ballplayer (inset,
right) on the wall.
Officials at Yosemite
National Park removed
photos by ex-Playboy
photographer Ken Mar-
cus from a park gallery
on the ground that his
portrayals of nature,
such as the shot at right,
were all too naturel.

` SHOWER
N WITH

BEEN
CENSORED

SHY TOWN

Illinois tourism officials tried
to yank this advertisement
lauding Chicago's role in publish-
ing history from Time's European edi-

tion. Happily for some 400,000 readers,
the ad with its vintage Vargas girl ran anyway.

SAVE WATER;

| A FRIEND

And this one is guar-
anteed never to sing
off key! The lady is
actually a sculpture
in marble dust and
epoxy, a 12-year
labor of love by Carol
y Feuerman, who coat-
N ed the statue with
| 100 layers of paint

эп
|

BREAKING UP IS A BIG ADJUSTMENT
| The marriage of chiropractor Bruce Oppen-

he | heim and Cybill (Moonlighting) Shepherd

went out of alignment (grounds: irreconcil-
able differences) after 22 months of wedlock
and the birth of twins, Ariel and Zachary.

WHY WADE HIT ON MARGO

The New York Times reports that
when Wade Boggs took Margo

Adams along with him on road trips,
he batted .341. When Mrs. Boggs ac-
companied him, his average was .221.

LOVE AT FIRST BYTE

M'Adam & Eve Erotica, an animated software program for
Macintosh computers, comes complete with varied sound
effects and sells for $59.95 in stores or from Magnetic
Arts, 6363 Christie, #2106, Emeryville, California 94608.

ауана,

ANDY'S GRECIAN
FORMULA

Alter papers pub-
lished nudes of girl-
friend Dimitra Liani,
Greek prime minis-
ter Andreas Papan-
dreou divorced his

American-born === 2
wife, lost an elec-
tion and married |
the exstewardess.
AT LAST, THE PERFECT BLOW JOB

The ideal escort for the lonely lady? Gregory is
an inflatable bust that was marketed early this
year by San Francisco's The Sharper Image.

MOON OVER MISSOURI

Chers on a roll, even though the Navy did a dou-
ble take after eying the tattoo-revealing outfit she
wore in /f | Could Turn Back Time, a video shot on

the U.S.S. Missouri. Her six shows at the Sands
SHE'LL HAVE SEVEN EGGS, OVA EASY Atlantic City sold out—at a record $200 per seat.

Mary Sue and Junior Lewis Davis battled
over custody of frozen em-
bryos. She won.

BREAKING UP IS
A ROYAL PAIN

Britain's Princess
Anne and Captain
Mark Phillips made
it official: After 15
years of marriage,
they're separating.
Earlier in the year, let-
ters written to the
princess by a royal
equerry were stolen, to the
titillation of tabloid readers.

BREAKING UP
CAN BREAK
THE BANK

Movie magnate
Steven Spielberg
and actress Amy
Irving ended their
marriage with.
reportedly. a-mul-
timillion-dollar set-

tlement. Gossips

immediately linked
the hot-sho! director
with other stars.
notably Kate Capshaw
and Holly Hunter

DIFFERENT

R
SPOKES ҒО
ENT FOLKS
Le zine survey. & ea

a Bicycling masa
ink abo! Н cycling during sex

Twenty years after it was first raised off-Broadway, the cur-
tain finally came down on the nudie review Oh! Calcutta!
at New York Citys Edison Theater. World-wide grosses
topped $100,000,000.

HEY, THERE, GORBY’S GIRLS

Giving new meaning to the phrase boob
tube, a model exits Moscow's subway. The
photos in a calendar shot by Queen
Elizabeth's lensman cousin, Lord Lichfield

BUBBLE TROUBLE

Red-faced Oriole infielder Bill Ripken
blames prankster scribblers for turning his
baseball card into a collectors item
Fleers, the bubble-
gum folks, may have
released as many as
3000 before noticing
the offending words.

" П

CRACKER CRACKDOWN CRUNCHES HUNCH

Soul singer Bobby Brown speaks sizzling body language—but
his "hunching" on stage with a woman recruited from the audi-
ence in Columbus, Georgia, got him arrested for lewdness.

READ MY
SUBPOENA!

KEEPING UP WITH
HIS JONESES

When Katherine Berkery filed suit
claiming that Tom Jones had sired
her son, Jonathan Jones Berkery,
during а brief visit 10 New York іп
1987 the singer agreed 10 un-
specified sums in child support.

BREAKING UP
15 ANOTHER
KIND OF CLEAVAGE

Screen goddess Raquel Welch told the National En-
quirer that career pressures had forced her and her
writer/producer husband, Andre Weinfeld, to sepa-
rate. But theyre still partners in Total Video, Inc..
which is releasing her new diet-and-exercise tape.

RUB-A-DUB-
DUB, TWO GIRLS
IN A TUB

Whats a fan in
Cannes to do
when he tires of
movies? Check
Out the Sexiest.

Bath Contest.

JACK
IN THE BOX

Karen Mayo-
Chandler spilled
the beans about
her steamy affair
with Jack Nichol-
son—and shed
her clothes for a
sizzling pictorial
that took the chill
off December for
Playboy readers,

137

“My new number is 259-0373.
© 4 And I drink Johnnie Walker”

An omitted area code (213) caused phone snafus, but callers
who try to ring this billboard beauty get a provocative message
about where and how she drinks Johnnie Walker. Similar ads
featured men; the response doubled company expectations.

HOT SEAT

Push those pedals and the world turns; his
$6000 Orbicycle, sculptor Ted Rosenthal says,
“combines exercise and sexual stimulation” for
those who are “busy, oversexed or on the run.”

KISS ‘N’ SELL,

Confessional volumes litter
bookstores as celebs churn

out memoirs. Shelley Winters
says Marilyn Monroe washed
lettuce with Brillo. Klaus Kinski
got V.D. more often than others
get colds. Sammy Davis Jr. dug
porn stars. Roseanne Barr re-
calls teen sex. Cyndy Garvey
finds a sexy secretary and a
sofa bed in hubby Steve's
office. And Andy tattles on
everybody, but you have
to read the book to get
the low-down on the
dirt the late artist dish-
es out: The Andy
Warhol Diaries were
published minus index.

MR. MOM

After his death at 74, jazz
musician Billy Tipton (in
center of his trio, above)
was revealed to Бе fe-
male—to the surprise of
his/her fellow musicians,
not to mention his’
her three adopted sons.

PEPSI DEGENERATION?

Right-wing cleric Donald
Wildmon, threatening boy-
cott, got Pepsi to pull its
Madonna commercials be-
cause he found her Like
a Prayer video "repug-
nant to all Christians.”

VIC, DIDJA READ
THE CARE
LABEL?

Victor Skrebnes-
ki has shot so
many Chicago
International
Film Festival
posters that
his prop
T-shirt is
reduced
to a rag
For the
fest's
25th,
heres
his
nud-
est
yet.

SAYONARA, SOUSUKE-SAN

Japan's first political sex scandal helped topple Prime
Minister Sousuke Uno from office when former
geisha Mitsuko Nakanishi went public with her story
of a five-month affair with the politico, during which
he failed to show her proper respect as her patron.

BREAKING UP
REQUIRES A YARDSTICK

Olympic diving champion Greg
Louganis (above left) tried
to evict housemate/manager
Jim Babbitt, citing fear of
possibly embarrassing reve-
lations, The judge let Jim
stay—at a 500-foot distance.

I'VE BEEN
OVEREXPOSED

TORI! TORI!
TORI!

We've lost count

of porn super-
star Tori
Welles's cred- 4
its, bul they Ж
include
such titles as
Night Trips, f
The Chame- |
leon, The Out-"
law, The Invisible
Girl and (inset,
with Joey Sil-
vera) Com-
ing of Age.

PLAYBOY

140

HOT SKY (continued from page 94)

“He glanced at the print-out again. Urgent, it said.
Matter of life and death. Shit.”

Caskies just picked up a message. Some
sort of S O S^ She handed Carter a narrow
strip of yellow radio tape with a couple of
ines of bright-red thermop:
it. The words came up at him I
reaching out of the deck. He read them
out loud.

“CAN YOU HELP US TROUBLE ON SHIP MATTER

OF LIFE AND DEAL (GENT YOU COME ABOARD
SOONEST

“RKOVALCIK, ACTING CAPTAIN, CALAMARI
MARU

“What the fuck?” Carter said. *

Maru? Is ita ship or a squid?"

Кеппен didnt crack a smik
check on the registry Is own
Vancouver by Kyocera-Merck. The
captain is Amiel Kohlberg, a German.
Nothing about any Kovalcik.”

“Doesnit sound like a berg trawler.”

“I's a squid ship, Cap'n,” she said,
flat with a sharp edge of contempt on
if he didnt know what a squid ship was. He
let it pass. It always struck him as funny,
» days’ more
nee at sea than he did treated
eenhorn.

He glanced at the printout again. Ur
gent, it said. Matter of life and death, Shi
Shit, shit, sh

The idea of dropping everythi
with the problems of some

todeal
ge ship

AE е ев osteo — mE ETA MALT

didn't sit well with him. He w:
s out, especially Ky-
murai Industries
"t fond of K-M these days. Something
about the Gobi reclamation contract, in-
al espionage, some crap like that. Be-
, he had a berg to deal with. He didnt
need any other distractions just now.

And then, 100, he felt an edgy little burst
of suspicion drifting up from the basement
of his soul, a tweak of wariness. Going
aboard another ship out here, you ме
about as vulncrable as you could be. Te
years in corporate life had taught him e
tion.

But he also knew you could carry cau-
tion too far. It didit feel good to him to
turn his back on a ship that had э;
in trouble, Maybe the ancient laws of th
sca, as well as every other vestige of what
used to be common deceney, were inop
tive concepts here oubled, heat-
plagued year of 2133, but he still wasn't
completely beyond feeling things like guilt
and shame. Besides, he thought, what goes
around comes around. You ignore the oth-
cr guy when he asks for help, you might
st be setting yourself up for a little of the
same later on,

They were all watch
Nakata, Hitchcock.

Hitchcock said, “What you gc

a
*

e
Im
=

“The Super Bowl deserves nothing less.”

Сарп? Gonna go across to “em
naggly, mischi

А gleam
ous grin on

pain in the ass, Carter thought
ave the older man а murderous look
“So you think it’s le;

Hitchcock shrug, y “Not for
me to say. You the All 1 know

‚ they say they in trouble, they say they
need our help”

Hitchcock's gaze was steady remote,
noncommittal. His blocky shoulders
seemed to reach from wall to wall. “They
calling for help, Cap'n. Ship wants help,
you give help, that’s what I always believe,
all my years at sca. Of course, maybe it dif-
ferent now.”

Carter found himself wishing he'd never
let Hitchcock come aboard. But screw it
Ней go over there and see what was what.
He had no choice, never really had.

lo Rennett he said, “Tell ( to let
this Kovalcik know that we're heading for
the berg to get claiming hooks into it.
That'll take about an hoi F. And
after that, we have to get it mirrored and
skirted. While th i Г go over
and find out what his problem ік”

“Got it,” Rennen said and went below.

New berg visuals had come in while they
re talking. For the first time now, Carter
could see the ero: the water
ine on the berg’s upwind side, the under-
actured overhangings
arting to form. The undercut-
Ung didn't necessarily mean the berg was
to flip over—that rarely happened
with big dry-dock bergs like this—but
they'd be in for some lousy oscillations, a
lot of rolling and heaving, choppy ке
general pisser all around. The
turni ugly vei
дег said, pushing the visu
“Take a look at these.”

on the lee side, th;
“Yeah. Sounds goc
simple. Carter managed a gr
E
le of the berg was a straight
high wall, a supreme white cliff as smooth
as porcelain that. was ly 100 meters
high, with a wicked tongue of ice jutting
out about 40 meters into the sea like
breakwater. Th what the Ca
Ma ing it for, too. The squi
rode st inside that tongu
Carter sign
standing way down fore by his control c
sole,

The fa

“Hook: ter called. "Sharp!
Sharp!”
There came the gre g sound of the

grapple-hatch opening and the deep rum
bling of the hook gimbals. Somewhere
deep in the belly of the ship, immense
mechanisms were swinging around, mov-
ing into position. The berg sat motionless
in the calm se

Then the entire ship shivered as the fi
hook came shooting up into view. [t hov-
ered overhead, a tremendous taloned

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142

thing filling half the sky, black against the
shining brightness of the air. Nakata hi
the keys again, and the hook, having
reached the apex of its curve, spun down-
ward with slashing force, heading for the
breast of the ber

It hit and dug and held. The berg re-
coiled, quivered, rocked, ‘The shower of
loose ice came tumbling off the upper
ledges. As the impact of the hooking was
transmitted to the vast hidden mass of the
berg undersea, the entire thing bowed fo
ward a little farther than Carter had been
expecting, making a nasty sucking noise
against the water, and when it pulled ba
again, a geyser came spuming up about 20
meters.

Down by the bow, Nakata was making
his Lgot you gesture at the berg, the mid-
dle finger rising high.

A cold wind was blowing from the berg
now. It was like the exhalation of some
huge wounded beast, an aroma of ancient
times, a fossil-breath wind.

They moved on a little farther along the
bergs flank.

“Hook two,” Carter told hi

The berg was almost stable again now
Carter, watching from his viewing towe
by the aft rail, waited for the rush of pleas-
ure and relief that came from a successful
claiming, but this time it wasn't there, All
he felt was impatience, an cagerness to get
all four hooks in and start chugging on
back to the Golden Gate.

The second hook flew aloft, hovered,
plunged, struck, bit

A second time, the berg slammed the
water, and a second time, the sea jumped
and shook. Garter had just a moment to
atch a glimpse of the other ship popping
around like a floating cork and wondered
if that ice tongue they found so cozy were
going to break off and sink them. It would
have been smarter of the Calamari Maru
to anchor somewhere else. But to hell with
them. They'd been warned.

The third hook was easier.

“Four,” Carter called. One last time, a
grappling iron flew through the air, whip-
ping off at a steep angle to catch the f

ide of the berg over the top, and then they
а

had it, the entire monstrous floating
of ice snallled and trussed.
.

Toward sunset, Carter left Hitchcock
charge of the trawler and went over to the
Calamari Maru in the sleek little silvery
kayak that they used as the ships boat. He
took Renneu with him.

"The stink of the other ship reached his
nostrils long before he went scrambling up.
gleaming woven-monofilament ladder
they had thrown over the side for him:
sma so dense that
ible. Breathing it
something like inhaling all of Cleveland in
gle snort. Carter wished he'd worn a
facelung. But who expected to need one
ош at sea, where you were supposed to be
able to breathe reasonably decent air?

The Calamari Maru didn't look too

good, either. At one quick glance, he
picked up a sense of general neglect and
slovenliness: black stains on the deck,
swirls of dust everywhere, some nasty rust-
colored patches of ozone attack that need-
ed work, The reek, though, came from the
squids themselves.

The heart of the ship was a vast tank, a
huge squid-peeling factory occupying the
atire mid-deck. Carter had been on one
once before, long ago, when he was a
trainee. Samurai Industries ran dozens of
them. He looked down into the tank and
saw battalions of hefty squids swimming
herds, big-eyed pearly phantoms, scores of
them shifting direction suddenly and

multaneously in their squiddy way. Glit-
tering mechanical Hails moved among
them, seizing and slicing, cutting out the
nerve tissue, flushing the edible remainder
toward the meat-packing fai
stench was astonishing. The entire thin,
was a tremendous processing machine.
With the one-time farming heartland of
North America and temperate Europe
now worthless desert, and the world de-
pendent on the thin, rocky soil of northern
Canada and Siberia for its crops, harvest.
ing the sca was essential. But the smell was
awful. Не fought to keep from gagging.

“You get used to it,” said the woman who
greeted him when he clambered aboard.
“Five minutes, you won't notice.

“Lets hope so,” he said. “I'm Сарай
Carter, and this is Rennett, maintenance!
ops. Where's Kovalcik:

“Ги Kovalcik,” the woman said.
eyes widened. She seemed to be
d by his reaction.
was rugged and sturdy-look-
ing, more than average height, strong
cheekbones, eyes set very far apart, expre:
sion very cool and controlled, but strain ev-
ident behind the control. She was wearing
a sacklike jump suit of some coarse gray
fabric. About 30, Carter guessed. Her hair
was black and close-cropped and her s
fair, strangely fair, hardly any trace of
Screen showing. He saw signs of sun dam
age, signs of ozone, crackly, red splotches
of burn. Two members of her crew stood
behind her, also women, also jump-suited,
also oddly fair-s ned. Their skin didnt
look so good, ейһе

Kovalci ‚ "We are very grateful ye
bad trouble on this ship.
was flat, She had justa trace of a
European accent, hard to place.

“We'll help out if we can.” Carter told
her.

He became aware now that they had
carved a chunk out of his berg and gr
pled it up onto the deck, where it was melt-
ing into three big aluminum runoff tanks.
It couldn't have been a millionth of the
total berg mass, not a ten millionth, but
seeing it gave him a quick little stab of pi
prietary fury and he felt a muscle flicker ii
his cheek. ‘That reaction didn't go unno-
ticed, either. Kovalcik said quickly, “Yes,
water is one of our problems. We have had
to replenish our supply this way. There

have been some equipment failures lately.
You will come to the captain's cabin now?
We must talk of what has happened, what
must now be done.”

he led him down the deck, with Ren-
nett and the two crew women following
along behind.

The Calama pretty impres-
sive. It was big and long and sleek, built
somewhat along the lines of a squid itself, a
jet-propulsion job that gobbled water
colossal compressors and squirted it out
behind. That was one of the many low-fuel
solutions to me transport problems
that had been worked out for the sake of
keeping СО, output down in these difficult
times. Immense things like flying buttress
es ran down the deck on both sides. T
Kovalcik explained, were squid I
ered with bioluminescent photophores:
You lowered them into the water and they
gave off light that mimicked the glow of
the squids’ own bodies, and the slither
tentacular buggers came jetting in from
vast distances, expecting a great jamboree
and getting a net instead.

Some butchering operation you got
here,” Carter said.

Kovalcik said а little curtly, “Meat is not
all we produce. The squids we catch here
have value as food, of course, but also we
p the nerve fibers, we take them back to
the mainland, they are used in all kinds of
biosensor applications. They are very
large, those fibers, a hundred times as
thick as ours. They are like single-cell com-
puters. You have а thousand ps
aboard your ship that use squid fiber, do

companionway Carter hc;
and pingings in the walls. A bulkhead was
dented and badly scratched. The lights
down here were dimmer than they ought
to be and the fixtures hummed omi,
"There was a new odor now, a tang of some-
thing chemical, sweet but not a pl
kind of sweet, more a burnt kind of sweet
than anything else, cutting sharply across
the boom of drums. Rennett shot him a
somber glance. This ship was a mess, all
right
“Captain's cabin is here,” Kovalcik said,
pushing back a door hanging askew on its
hinges. “We have drink first, yes
The size of the cabin amazed Carter aft-
er all those weeks bottled up in his hule
hole on the Tonopah Maru. It looked as big
asa gy um. There was a table, a desk,
shelvin comfortable bunk, nitary
unit, even an entertainment screen, every-
thing nicely spread out with actual floor
space you could move around in. The
screen had been kicked in. Kovalcik took a
flask of Peruvian brandy from a cat
Carter nodded and she poured three
ones, They drank im silence. The squid
odor wasn't so bad in here, or else he wa
getting used to it, just as she'd said. But the
air was rank and close despite the spacious-
s of the cabin, thick, soupy stuff tha
a struggle to breathe. Something

wrong with the ventilating system, 100,
Carter thought.

“You sce the trouble we have,” said Ко-
valcik.

“I sec there's been trouble, yes."

^You don't see half. You should see com-
mand room, too. Here, have more brandy,
then I take you there.”

“Never mind the brandy,” Carter said.
“How about telling me what the hell’s been
ig on aboard this ship?”
come see command room,” Koval-

cik sai
.

1 room was one level down

's cabin. It was an absolute

The comm:
from the captai
wrec

Тһе place was all but burned out. There
were laser scars on every surface and gap-

ng wounds in the structural fabric of the

ceiling. Glittering strings of program
cores were hanging out of data cabinets
like broken necklaces, like spilled guts.
crywhere there were signs of some terrible
struggle, some monstrous, insane civil war
that had raged through the most delicate
regions of the ship’s mind centers.

“It is all ruined," Kovalcik said. “Noth-
ing works anymore except the squid-proc-
essing programs, and as you see, those
work magnificently, going on and on, the
nets and flails and cutters and so forth. But
everything else is damaged. Our water
synthesizer, the ventilators, our navigation
al equipment, much more. We are maki
repairs, but it is very slow."

“1 can imagine it would be. You had
yourselves one hell of a party here, huh?”

"There was a great struggle. From deck
to deck. from cabin to cabin. It became
necessary to place Captain Kohlberg un-
der restraint and he and some of the other
officers resisted."

Carter blinked and caught his breath
short at that. "What the fuck are you say
ing? That you had a mutiny aboard th
ship?”

For a moment, the charged word hung
between them like a whirling sword.

Then Kovalcik said, voice flat as ever,
“When we had been at sea for a while, the
captain became like a crazy man. It was
the heat that got to him, the sun, maybe
the air. He began to ask impossible things.
He would not listen to reason. And so he
had to be removed from command for the
сау of all. There was a meeting and he

vas put under restraint. Some of his
officers objected and they had to be put
under restraint, too."

Son of a bitch, Carter thought, feeling a
Іше sick, What have I walked into here?

“Sounds just like mutiny to me," Rennett
said,

Garter shushed her. This had to be han-
dled delicately, To Kovalcik he said,
“They're still alive, the captain, the
officers?’

"Yes. 1 сап show them to you
"That would be a good idea. But first
maybe you ought to tell me some more

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143

PLAYBOY

about these grievances you had.

“That doesn't matter now, does it?”

“To me it does. I need to know what you
think justifies removing & capt

She began to look a little annoyed.
“There were many things, some big, some
small. Work schedules, crew pairings, the
food allotment. Everything worse and
worse for us each week. Like a tyrant, he
was. A Caesar. Not at first, but gradually,
the change in him. It was sun poisoning he
had, the craziness that comes from too
much heat on the brain. He was afraid to
use very much Screen, you see, afraid that
we would run out before the end of the
voyage, so he rationed it very tightly, f
himself, for us, too. That was one of our
biggest troubles, the Screen.” Kovalcik
touched her cheeks, her forearms, her
wrists, where the skin was pink and raw.
“You sce how | look? We are all like that.

Kohlberg cut us to half ration, then half

that. The sun began to cat us. The ozone.
We had no protection, do you sce? He was
so frightened there would be no Sereen
later on that he let us use only a small
amount cvery day, and we suffered, and so
did he, and he got crazier as the sun
worked on him, and there was less Sereen
all the time, He had it hidden, I think. We
have not found it yet. We are still on quar-
ter ration.”

Carter tried 10 imagine what that w

like, sailing around under the ferocious
sky without body armor. The daily injec-
tions withheld, the unshielded skin of
these people exposed to the full fury of the
greenhouse climate. Could Kohlberg real-
ly have been so stupid, or so loony? But
there was no getting around the raw pink
patches on Kovalcik's skin

‘You'd like us to let you have a supply of
Screen, is that it?” he asked uneasily.

“No. We would not expect that of you.
Sooner or later, we will find where
Kohlberg has hidden it.”

“Then v you do want?"

“Come,” Kovalcik said. “Now I show you
the officers.”

.
The mutineers had stashed their prison-

ers in the ships infirmary a stark, humid
room far below deck with three double
rows of bunks along the wall and some
nonfunctioning medical mechs between
them. Each of the bunks but one held a
sweat-shiny man with a weeks growth of
beard. They were conscious, but not very
Their wrists were tied.

“It is very disagreeable for us, keeping
them like this,” Kolvacik said. "But what
can we do? This is Captain Kohlberg.” He
was heavy-set, Teutonic-looking, groggy-
eyed. “He is calm now, but only because we
sedate him. We sedate all of them, fifty
ccs of omnipas. But it is a threat to their

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health, the constant sedation. And in any
case, the drugs, we are running short. An-
other few days and then we will have none.
and it will be harder to keep them re-
strained, and if they break free, there will
be war on this ship agai

"I'm not sure if we have any omnipax on
board,” Carter said. “Certainly not enough
to do you much good for long."
hat is not wha
said Kovalcik.

“What are you

“These five men, they threaten every-
body's safety. They have forfeited the right
to command. This 1 could show, with play-
backs of the time of struggle on this ship.
Take them.”

“What:

“Таке them onto your ship. They must
not stay here. These are crazy men. We
must rid ourselves of them. We must be left
to repair our ship in peace and do the
work we are paid to do. It is a humanitari-
an thing, taking them. You are going back
10 San Francisco with the iceberg? e
them, these troublemakers. They will be
no danger to you. They will be grateful for
being rescued. But here they are like
bombs that must sooner or later go off."

Carter looked at her as if she were a
bomb that had already gone off. Rennett
had simply turned away, covering what
sounded like a burst of hysterical laughter
by forcing a coughing fit

That was all he needed, m ng himself
an accomplice in this thing, obligingly
picking up a bunch of officers pushed off
their ship by mutincers. Kyocera-Merck
men at that. Aid and succor to the great
corporate enemy? The Samurai Industries
agent in Frisco would really love it when he
came steaming into port with five K-M
men on board. He'd especially want to
hear that Carter had done it for human
tarian reasons

Besides, where the fuck were these men
going to sleep? On deck between the spig-
ots? Should he pitch a tent on the iceberg,
maybe? What about feeding them, for
Christ's sake? What about Screen? Every-
thing was calibrated down to the last
molecule.

“I don't think you understand our
tion,” Carter said carefully. “Aside
the legalities of the thing, we've got no
space for extra personnel. We barely have
enough for

king, then?”

week or two?”

“tell you we've got every mi
lotted. H God Himself wanted to come on
board as a passenger, we'd have a tough
time figuring out where to put Him. You
want technical help patching your shi
back together, we can try to do that. We
you have some supplies. But
board ——"
began to look a little
hard now.

wild. She was br
You must do this
wise”

“Otherwise?” Carter prompted

All he got from her was a bleak stare, no
friendlier than the green-streaked ozone-
crisp sky.

“Hilfe.” Kohlberg muttered just then,
g unexpectedly in his bunk.

“What was that?”

It is delirium,” said Kovalcik.

“Hilfe. Hilfe. In Gottes Namen, hilfe!”
And then, in thickly accented English, the
words painfully framed: “Help. She will
kill us all.”

“Delirium?” Carter said.

Kovalcik's eyes grew even chillier. Draw-
ing an ultrasonic syringe [rom a cabinet in
the wall, she slapped it against Kohlbergs
m. There was a small buzzing sound.
Kohlberg subsided into sleep. Snuffling
snores rose from his bunk. Kovalci
smiled. She seemed to be recovering her
self-control. “He is a madman. You see
what my skin is like. What his madness has
done to me, has done to every one of us. If
he got loose, if he put the voyage in jeop-
ardy—yes, yes. we would kill him. We
would kill them all. It would be only self-
defense, you understand me? But it mus
not come to that.” Her voice was icy. You
could air-condition an entire city with that
voice. “You were not here during the trou-
ble. You do not know what we went
through. We will not go through it again.
Take these men from us, Captain.”

She stepped back, folding her arms
across her chest. The room was very quiet,
suddenly, except for the piugimgs and
thumpings from the sl or and an
occasional snore out of Kohlberg. Kovalcik.
was completely calm again, the ferocity
and iciness no longer

situation, the ball is now in your court,
Captain Carter”

What a sunk
thought.

But he was st

ng, squalid mess, Carter

Шей to find, when he
looked behind the irritation he felt at hav-
ing been dragged into this, a curious sad-
ness where he would have expected ange
to be. Despite everything, he found hi
self flooded with si s
for Kovalcik, for
or the whole fucking poisoned,
blighted world. Who had asked for a
this—the heavy green sky, the hery
daily need for Screen, the million frantic
mprovisations that made continued life on
‘th possible? Not us. Our grea
grandparents had, maybe, but not
they're not here to know what its like, and
we are.

"Then the moment passed. What the hell
could he do? Did Kovalcik think he was Je-
sus Christ? He had no room for these peo
ple. He had no extra Screen or food. In
пу case, this was ess.
And San Francisco wa
Ti was time to move along, Tell her
st get out of here.

* he said. “I see your problem
ly sure I can help out, but МІ

ohlberg, for all of them,
heat-

do what I can. FII check our supplies and
let you know what we're able to do. ОК?”
.

Hitchcock said, “What I think, Cap'n,
we ought to just take hold of them. N.
can put a couple of his spare hooks
them, and we'll tow them into Frisco along
with the berg.”

“Hold on,” Carter said. “Are you out of
r mind? I'm no fucking pirate.”

Who's talking about piracy? Its our
igation, We got to turn them in, man,

m not a policeman, either,” С
torted. “They want to have а mu

along. Dont even think I'm going to ma
some kind of civil arrest of them. Dont
even consider it for an instant, Hitchcock.”

Mildly, Hitchcock said, “You know, we
used to take this sort of thing seriously,
once upon a time. You know what I mean,
man? We wouldn't just look the other way"

“You don't understand,” said.
Hitchcock gave him а sharp, scornful look.
“No. Listen to me," Carter snapped. “That
ships nothing but trouble. The woman
who runs it, she's something you dont want
10 be very dose to. We'd have to put her in
chains if we tried to take her in, and tak
her isn't as easy as you seem to think, ci
ther. There's five of us and 1 dont know
how many of them. And thats a Kyocera
Merck ship there. Samurai ізгі paying us
10 pull K-M's chestnuts out of the fire.

lı was іше morning now. The sun was
gening close to noon height, and the sky
was brighter than ever, fiercely hot, with
some swirls of lavender and green far
overhead, vagrant wisps of greenhouse
arbage chat must have drifted west fror
the noxious high-pressure air that sat per-
petually over the mid-section of the Uni
ed States. Carter imagined he could detect
а whiff of methane in the breeze. Just
across the way was the berg, shining like
polished marble, shedding water hour by
hour as the mounting heat worked it ove
Back in San Francisco, they were brushing
the dust out of the empty reservoirs. Time
to be moving along, yes, Kovalcik and
Kohlberg would have to work out thei
problems without him. He didn't feel good
t, but there were a lot of things he
didn’t feel good about, and he wasn't able
to fix these, either.
id she's going to kill those five

and lots of it, no bare scalp for her
“Does she mean it?

Carter shrugged. “A bluff, most likely
She looks tough, but I'm not sure she's tha
tor

Rennett She w
n the worst wa

“I dont agree,”
10 ge of those men
“You think?”

k that what they were doing an-
А by the berg was getting ready to
maroon them on it. Only we came along,

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145

PLAYBOY

146

and we're going to tow the berg away, and
that screwed up the plan. So now she wants
to give them to us instead. We don't take
them, she'll just dump them over the side
soon as we're gone.”
“Even though we know the scor
“She'll say they broke loose and jumped
into the ship's boat and escaped, and she
doesn't know where the hell they went.
Who's to say otherwise?"
Carter stared gloomily. Yes, he thought,
who's to say otherwise?
e bergs meling while we screw
und," Hitchcock said. “What'll it be,

Cap'n? We sit here and discuss some more?
Or we pull up and head for F

"My vote's for taking them on board,"
said ta.

“1 don't remember calling for a vote,”
Carter said. “We've got no room for five
more hands. Not for anybody. Мете
packed as tight as we can possibly get. L
ing on this ship is like living іп a rowboat,
it is.” He was starting to feel rage rise in
him. This business was getting too tan-
gled: legal issues, humanitarian issues, a
lot of messy stuff. The simple reality un-
derneath it all was that he couldn't take on
passengers, no matter what the r

And Hitchcock was right. The berg was
losing water every minute. Even from here,
bare eyes alone, he could see erosion going

on, the dripping, the carving. The oscilla
tions were picking up, the big icy thing
rocking gently back and forth as its stabili-

ty at water line got nibbled away. Later on,
the oscillations wouldn't be so gentle, They
had to get that berg sprayed with mirror

dust and wrapped with a plastic skirtat the
water line to slow down wave erosion and
start moving. San Francisco was paying
him to bring home an iceberg, not a hand-
ful of slush.

Rennett called. She had wandered up
into the observation rack above them and
was shading her eyes, looking across the
water. "They've put out a boat, Cap'n.”

"No," he said. “Son of a bitch!”

He grabbed for his 6 х 30 spyglass. A
boat, sure enough, a hydrofoil dinghy. It
looked full: three, four, five. He hit the
switch for biose boost and the squid
ber in the spyglass went to work for him.
The image blossomed, high resolution.
Five men. He recognized Kohlberg sitting
slumped in front.

"Shit," he said. "She's sending them over
to us. Just dumping them on us.

“If we doubled up somchow——
Nakata began, smiling hopefully.

“One more word out of you and
Ме you up,” said Carter. He turned to
Hitchcock, who had one hand clamped
meditatively over the lower half of his face,
pushing his nose back and forth and
scratching around in his thick white stub-
ble. “Break out some lasers,” Carter said.
“Defensive use only. Just in case. Hitch-
cock, vou and Rennet get out there in the
kayak and escort those men back to the
squid ship. If they aren't conscious, tow
them over to it. If they are, and they don't
want to go back, invite them very firmly to
go back, and if they don't like the
tion, рш a couple of holes through the side
of thcir boat and get the hell back here

“OK

, big guy—let’s see how high we can gel
that heart rate.

fast. You understand me?
Hitchcock nodded stonily “Sure,
Sure

Carter watched the entire thing from
the blister dome at the stern, wondering
whether he were going to have a mutiny of
his own on his hands now, too. But no. No.
Hitchcock and Rennett kayaked out along
the edge of the berg until they came up be-
side the dinghy from the Calamari Maru,
and there was a brief discussion, very
brief, Hitchcock doing the talking and
Rennett holding a laser rifle in a casual but
businesslike way. The five castofts from the
squid ship scemed more or less awake.
They pointed and gestured and threw up

their arms in despair. But Hitchcock kept
talking and Rennett kept stroking the
laser and the men in the dinghy looked

more and mo сей by the moment.
Then the discussion broke up and the
kayak headed back toward the ‘Tonopah
Maru, and the men in the dinghy sat
where they were, no doubt trying to figure
out their next move.

Hitchcock said, coming on board, “This
is bad business, man. That captain, he say
the woman just took the ship away from
him, on account of she wanted him to let
them all have extra shots of Screen and he
didnt give it. There wasn't enough to le
her have so much, is what he said. I feel
real bad, man.

‘So do 1,” said Carter. “Believe me.”

“I learn a long time ag Hitchcock

said, “when a man say, ‘Believe me, thats
the one thing I shouldn't do”
k you,” Carter said. “You think 1
wanted to strand them? But we have no
choice. Let them go back to their own ship.
She won't kill them. All they have to do is
let her do what she wants to do and they'll
come out of it OK. She can put them off on
some island somewhere, Hawaii, mayl
But if they come with us, well be in deep
all the way back to Frisco.”

Hitchcock nodded. “Yeah. We may be in
deep shit already.”

"What you say’

“Look at the berg,”
ine. ls getting r ved up.

Carter scooped up his glass and kicked
in the biosensor He scanned the

Hitchcock said. “At

ers. The. sun see
getting bigger every minu
nasty magneti
the sky, as if the atm re gel-
ting ionized as it baked. And the berg was
starting to wobble aw the osc

not so e now
due heat differentials began to
build up and conflicting currents came
slicing in.

on of a bitch,” said. "Tha
's it. We got to get moving right now
There was still plenty to do. Carter gave

the word and the mirror-dust spigots went
into operation, cannoning shining clouds
of powdered metal over the exposed sur-
lace of the berg, and probably all over the
squid ship and the dinghy, too. It took half
an hour to do the job. The squid ship was
still roughening, the belly was lolloping
around in a mean way, But Carter knew
there was a gigantic base down there out of
sight, enough to hold it steady until they
could get under way. he hoped

"Let's get the skirt on it now.” he said

A tricky procedure, nozzles at the ship's
water line extruding a thermoplastic spray
that would coat the berg just where it was
most vulnerable to wave erosion. The hard
part came aging the ext sol
the cables linking the hooks to the ship so
they could maneuver around the berg. But
Nakata was an ace at that. They pulled up
anchor and started und the far side,
The mirror-dusted. berg was dazzling, a
tremendous mountain of white light.

1 dont like that wobble,” Hitchcock
said.

Wont matter a damn once we're under
said Carter.

The heat was like a hammer now,
pounding the dark, cool surface of the
water, mixing up the thermal layers, st
ring up the currents, getting everything
churned around. They had waited just
a little too long to get started. The berg,
badly undercut, was doing a big sway to
windward, bowing like one of those round-
botomed Japanese dolls, then. swaving
back again. God only knew what kind of
sea action the squid ship was getting, but
Carter couldn't see it from this side of the
berg. He kept on moving. circling the berg
to the full extension of the hook cables.
then circling back the way he'd come.

When they got around to leeward again.
he saw what kind of sea action the squid
ship had been getting. It was swamped.
The ice tongue it had been anchored next
10 had come rising up out of the sea and
kicked it like a giant foot

“Jesus Christ" Hitchcock murmured,
standing beside him. “Will you look at
that. The damn fools just sat there all the
time.”

Тһе Calamari Maru was shipping water
like crazy and starting to go down. The sea
was boiling with an armada of newly liber-
ated squid. swiftly propelling themselves
in all directions, heading anywhere else at
top speed. Three dinghies were bobbing
around in the water in the shadow of the
berg.

“Will you look at th
n.
art the engines,” C
s get the fuck out of here.
Hitchcock stared at him, disbelievingly.
“You mean that, Cap'n? You really mean

Hitcheock said

rer told him,

“I goddamn well do.
“Shit,” said Hitchcock. “This fucking
lousy world.”

“Go on. Get ‘em started.
You actually going to leave thr
full of people from a sinking ship sitting
ош there in the water
“Yeah. You got it. Now start the е
will you
"That's too much,” Hitchcock
a big slow swing,

gines,

aid softly,
“Too

1 wounded buffalo
and took two or three shambling steps to-
ward Carter, his arms dangling loosely. his
hand half cupped. Hiteheock’s eyes were
slitted and his face looked oddly puffy. He
loomed above Carter, wheezing and mut-
tering, a dark, massive slab of a Half
as big as the iceberg out there was how he
looked just then.

Oh, shit, Carter thought. Here it comes.
My very own mutiny, right now,

Hitchcock rumbled and muttered and
closed his hands into fists. Exasperation
tinged with fear swept through Carter and
he brought his arm up without even stop-
ping to think, hitting Hitcheock hard, a
short fast jab in the mouth that rocked the
older man’s head back sharply and sent
him reeling against the rail. Hitchcock
slammed into it and bounced. For a mo-
ment, it looked as if he'd fall. but he man-
aged to steady himself. A kind of sobbing
sound, but not quite a sob, more of a grunt,
came from him. A bright dribble of blood
sprouted on his white-stubbled chin.

For a moment, Hitchcock seemed dazed.
Then his eyes came back into focus and he
looked at Carter in amazement.
її going to hit you, Сарт,” he
said, blinking hard. There was a soft,
stunned quality to his voice. “Nobody ever
hits a cap'n, not ever. Not ever. You know
that, Сарп.”
told vou to start the engines.

You hit me. Сарт. What the hell you hit
me for?”

“You started to come
Cart aid.

Hitchcock's shining bloodshot eyes were
immense in his Screen-blackened face.
nk I was coming at you? Oh, Cap'n!
is, Cap'n. Jesus!” He shook his
d and wiped at the blood. Carter saw
that he was bleeding. too, at the knuckle,
where he'd hit a tooth. Hitchcock conti
d to stare at him, the way you might
stare at a dinosaur that had just stepped
out of the forest. Then his look of astonish-
ment sofiened into something else—sad-
ybe. Or was it pity? Pity would be
even worse, Carter thought. A whole lot

at me, didnt you?”

ness, m

Hitchcock be,
hoarse and thick.

Don't s
«d.
Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, man.

He went slouching off. rubbing at his lip
Caskie's picking up an autobuoy S О $
ен called from somewhere updeck.

s," Carter yelled back furiously. "We

an, his voice

go and get the engines

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147

PLAYBOY

148

cant do it”

“мл

"There's no fucking room for them,"
Carter said. His voice was as sharp as an
icicle. *Nix. Nix."
ifted his spyglass again and took an-
other look toward the oncoming dinghies.
Chugging along hard, they were, but hav-
ing heavy weather of it in the turbulent wa-
ter. He looked quickly away before he
could make out faces. The berg, shining
like fire, was still озі ш. He thought of
the hot winds sweeping across the conti-
nent to the east, sweeping all around the
belly of the world, the rainless winds
that forever sucked up what little moisture
could still be found. It was almost a shame
10 have to go back there. Like returning to
hell after a little holiday at sea, is how it
felt. It was worst in the middle latitude:
the temperate zone, once so fertil
almost never fell at all there now.
ig forests, the new grasslands tal
deserts where even the grass couldn't make
it, the polar ice packs crumbling, the low-
lands drowning everywhere, dead build-
gs sticking up out of the sea, vines
sprouting on freeways, the alligators mov-
ig northward. This fucking lousy world.
Hitchcock had said. Yeah. This berg here,
this oversized ice cube, how many days?
water supply would that be for San Fran-
cisco? Ten? Fifteen?

He turned. They were staring at
Nakata, Renneu, Caskie, everybody but
Hitchcock, who was on the bridge s

up the engine combination.

“This never happened," Carter told
them. “None of this. We never saw any-
body else out here. Not anybody. You got
that? This never happened.

They nodded, one by one.

There was a quick shiver down below as
the n the engine room, the little
fusion sphere, came to full power. With a
groan, the engine kicked in at high. The
ship started to move away, out of the zone
of dark water, toward the bluer sea just
ahead. Off they went, pulling eastward as
fast as they could, trying to make time
ahead of the melt rate. It was afternoon
now. Behind them, the other sun, the real
one, lighted up the sky with screaming
fury as it headed off into the west. That
was good, to have the sun going one wa
you were going the other.

Carter didnt look back. What for? So
you can beat yourself up about something
you couldn't help?

His knuckle was stinging where he had.
split it punching Hitchcock. He rubbed it
in a distant, detached s if it were
someone else's hand. Think east, he told
himself. You're towing 9000 kilotons of
ar-old frozen water to thirsty
Francisco. Think good though
Think about your bonus. Think about
your next promotion. No sense looking
back. You look back, all you do is hurt your

eves.
El

ny sun

“I hope we can keep this our little secret, Herb. I

really need the second income.

DWIGHT YOAKAM

(continued from page 125)
got real comfortable in them. God. I guess
I must have seventeen or twenty pairs by
now. I dont really have any favorites. I like
these ostrich boots I'm wearing right now,
and I really like my calfskins. They're all
custom-made by Austin Hall in El Paso,
Tex nd by Paul Bond in Nogales, А.
zona. The ones I wear on stage are made

rom kangarooskin, and they have ster-
ling-silver tips on ‘em.

10.
т.лувоу: Give us a tour of one of your
outfits.

yoskam: My clothes are made by а fella
named Manuel. He's Nudie’s son-in-law.
Nudie was a big cowboy tailor out here for
probably forty у nd Manuel worked
h him. Manuel has been on his own
nce the to make
clothes for every country superstar, includ-
ng Hank, Jr. I've been very fortunate in
dealing with him, because he sets aside his
own ego and indulges minc. He sketches
things I describe—the embroidery and the
patterns—and by the time Im done, we've
created a jacket

п.

т.лувоу: What will Ralph Lauren never
Know about the country look?
холам: First ofall, he's an astute designer.
But he gets carried away with all that mer-
chandising. I've got to commend the guy
for at least picking up those elements of
American style that have been abandoned
by other companies. He used to make
some real пісе one-hundred-percent-cor-
ton, pcarl-buttoned Western shirts, but you
cart buy them anymore. Unfortunately,
the Western looks been cheapened by
companies like Н Bar C, which used to
ke great wool-gabardine jackets, and by
mdle Slim. They make everything in

polyester now.

always been a market for well-
inely reflect the
at's why Manuel

The
made jackets that gen
Southwestern culture,
and 1 are going to make a
gether. They're more traditi

ones I w the stuff со
boys might put on to go out on a $
night. You know, a dark-blue or kha
et that's piped on top
tif. We're calling it DY

12.

avrov: Your jeans are bleached
nd seem to accommodate standi
only Where do you get them?
золкам: E get ‘em off the
Levi's 517 size twenty-eight
i done to them. It’s th
la slim cut. Except
long enough—1 like
‘em way down over the heel—so I let them
out and put a false end on them. Then 1
just wash them over and over, hot wat
and hot dry. No other brand looks the

same—Levi's has a secret formula for its

indigo-blue dye. Other jeans don't fade the
same

Now, L

nd their denim weights lighter.
evi's orange label and red label аге
nt, too. The red-label jeans fit better
in the yoke of the pants, in the scat and the

pockets. Tm neurotic about this, if you
can't tell.
Now, about those rips: The best jeans

are old jeans, but they start to give out in
the seat, by the pockets or in the knee.
[Puts leg on desk and examines rip in knee] l
tried fixe times to stitch over this knee. бес,
this is actually a patch underneath the fab-
ric. But I dont like the look of patches. So |
finally decided I wasn't going to worry
about sewing up my knees anymore. It be-
came a nuisance. Maybe its also because
the look became acceptable. Whew! If
that's all you want to know about my jeans,
I don't blame you!

13.
maynov: One last jeans item: We over
heard one of your readies say that they'd

all be out of a job if you couldn't fit into
your jeans. Is he still with you?

yoakam: [Grins] Hes probably my man
ager.

и.

rLavnow: In your Little Sister music video,
we see women in cages snarl, pace and paw
at the bars. What did they do to deserve
that?

Yoakam: Well, ТЇЇ tell ya, that was a com-
munication failure between the director,
me and the people who built the props.
That song hasa real Sixties rhythm, and so.
they thought of go-go cages, the old ones
that sit on pedestals. It ended up with the
dancers looking more like something out
of Women in Chains. Very odd. When we
got to the set that day. I kind of raised the
eyebrow and thought, Well see how this
ends up looking on film. Because of budg-
et and time constraints, we couldn't just
tear down the set and start all over. At least
the gals who were dancing didnt object!

15.

prawnor: Girls always do you wrong
songs. Have you ever been wronged and
later realized that she was right?

voakam: There have been times when I've
wanted to have a relationship with a wom-
an and she hasnt, and later 1 realize that
she was absolutely correct. We just weren't
right for each other. And I guess I've been
callous about my girlfriends’ feelings а
couple of times. One of them gave me an
emotional slap in the face that I justly de
served.

n your

16.

riavnov: Do you have any favorite guitars
that you play at home but never record
with or take on the road?

The best-sounding guitar is an
carly Seventies Herringbone Martin D28

that I've used the past three years of road
work. It’s suffered a bit, but it's still a glori-
ous-sounding guitar. I wouldn't want to
use a guitar on the road that didn't sound
as good as the ones that I have at home.
Tve worn a hole in the finish of my Her.
ringbone Martin by slapping rhythms on
it—sometimes very hard—but I cherish it.

A good guitar that resonates properly is
the most beautiful thing in the world. I
have two electric and six acoustic guitars.
They all have different personalities, even
genders—no two sound alike—but Гуе
never gotten to the point where I've given
them names or anything.

17.

PLAYBOY: What other kinds of music do you
like?

yoakam: Among the current groups, I've
got INXS, Smithereens and a lot of Aretha
Franklin tapes. | love all the Atlantic

Records hits. And I love James Brown. I

like the Staple Singers a lot, their early
stuff, and Jimi Hendrix. I listen to Stevie
Ray Vaughn. The Thunderbirds and the
Georgia Satellites are favorite bands of
mine. I've played with them. They're good
guys and their musics real simple and
straight-ahead. I like Steve Winwood's cur-
rent music. And Lobos always makes
me smile. They're very uplifting. 1 like car-
ly Led Zeppelin and Marvin Gaye. Гуе al
ways been a Rolling Stones fan, because

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and I would Hk

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Jeffery Julian DeMarco, President and Founder of Pyraponic Industries. Inc. 11
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149

PLAYBOY

е basically doing a raw interpreta-
tion of the blu

а луһоү: In Nashville, country singer Steve
once scrawled DWIGHT YOARAM EATS
susi on an elevator door, in
he saw as a contrived country pose.
What are your thoughts on sushi versus
sashimi?

холкам: Sushi V hate. Гус had it two time:
life—the first time was just to try
| time was to prove
was just as repulsive as l'd remembered
And I don't even know what sashimi is. .
Its cold, de: ithout even rice? Ugh!
stove, they
nt business.

ought not to be in the res

19.

pLavnoy: You say you've nev a diink.
Have Jerry Jeff Walker, George Jones
Hank Williams, Jr., drunk your share?
уолкАм: I'm sure they've had barrels and
but I don't think th:
s a prerequisite to be-
id songwriter. It
would be the g as expecting а
blues singer to be a junkie. I'm always
shocked that people take note of my absti-

drinking hea
coming a count

I issue involved. 1
don't think Em any bette: inking
and I've 2% пей to make an issue out
of it. I was raised in an abstinent house-
hold and it's just carried into my adult life.

20.

»Lawnow: In your photographs, you look a
tad petulant. Tell us the sceret of a good
pout.

толкам: That's not a conscious thing I do.
In one of my first reviews, in Eighty-three
or so, the word stoic came up all the time.
And that trait had never even crossed my
mind. I didnt realize I looked like tha
Perhaps it's just my unconscious attempt to
maintain composure. Fm not an animated
erson. I'm also kind of reclusive, in terms
1 feelings. I's not important
that everybody like me.

let photographers know up front
be this smiling face,
oying to have so
one you don't know tell you to smile. “Em
happy. I'm ecstatic. [Deliberate monotone]
Right this moment, I'm delirious. I mean,
if I get much happier than this, you'll need.
to put me on medii

(ДЕ uo Mw

“Thats life. You stand straight and
tall and proud for a thousand years and the next thing
you know, yowre Junk mail.”

= 2
DREYFUSS

(continued from page 130)
has seen his movies; at the same time, the
deeper he gets into the story, the more

he seems to be a character he has yet to
а giddy, impassioned college

ice in his life, went from the
10 the top of the heap." he
the story he’s relating of
а man whose father browbeat him: who
стати soldier but a natural horse-
drummed out of the Arn
er the Mexican War and wound up
ме; who volunteered for the
provisional Army when the Civil W:
broke өш and became the most impor
and successful general in the Union Army:
rity won him the
Presidency twice but whose political career
ted by scandal; who contracted
ncer and ran a desperate race
against death, working to complete
emoirs before he died so that his wife
and kids wouldn't end up in the poor
house. “He finished the book on July four-
teenth, died nine days later.”

The tale finished, Dreyfuss slumps back
id shakes his head.
he says quietly

I wanna

no second acts in Americ
had a second act.”

Does this sou
should. We're tall
the popular pers
«cond act. Aspiring actor at the
, when he went to his first audition at
Los Angeles’ Westside Jewish it
Center. Working actor at the
plays, TV series and stuff li
wiched Беске; sses at Bev
High School, where his classmates includ-
ed Rob Reiner and Albert Brooks. Movie
r at 25: American Graffiti, The Appren
tireship of Duddy Kravitz, Jaws. Academy
Award winner at 30: The Goodbye Girl, the
same year he also starred in Close Encoun-
ters. Box-ollice flop and heavily into drugs
at On screen, he had The Big Fix, The
Competition, The Buddy System and a few
others; olf screen, he did things such as

running his Mercedes into a palm tree,
the hos-

Hipping it over and winding up
pital and under
sion. Cleaned
Down and Out, Tin Men.
over Parador, Nuts.

He listens to this line of re:
he firmly, politely, takes issue.
cally, | think I had a dip,
nly was resurrected—I mean, there
IS a second act in my career, I won't deny
it, But in the long r 1 hope it will be per-
ceived as a dip.

He leans forward. “But that isn’t what
drew me to Grant. My intere
preceded my d

He stops for
"he is that I have a
pu shitload of projects that, when you

Stakeout, Moon

oning. Then
n the long,
he says. “I

scrape all th
story of what happens when a man realizes
he's something else, or wants to be some-
thing else, or has to be something else. Im
always drawn to stories that have to do
with the mid-life cr nt the
mid-life crisis that Pm interested in. It is
that process of becoming someone else
that, over the past few years, I find central.

“It’s dearly part of my life. The past cou-
ple of years, Гуе been aware of a sense of
change. There are things in my life that I
concentrate on much more seriously than I
used to and some things that I dont con-
centrate on as seriously as I used to. And it
all has to do with that mid-life time. 1
mean, everybody jokes about it, but
true: When you get into your late thirties

favorite book in common, a biography of
Richard IH, they bought the rights and
tried to turn it into а BBC television pro-
gram; that never happened, but later they
formed a production company.

The company has two goals, Dreyfuss
says. “One is to be a commercially success-
ful small production company that actual-
ly docs film and tclevision projects. And
the other is to see if I сап get my own ec-
centric private loves"—you know, those
historical projects—"into the culture.

And politics.

‘This one he has been involved with for
years; He was a conscientious objector dur-
ing the Vietnam war,
for various causes in the Seventies and, for

East. That show, which they're produ
for PBS, approaches academics and think
tanks from all of the areas warring fac-
ions and poses a simple scenario: It
or 2030, and your side has won. Of what
does that victory consist? The answers—
which, among other things, ought to re-
veal how much compromise is possible
will form the basis for a book and a telev
sion program due to air within a year.
“It’s a lot of fun,” he says, “because Ге
been an actor for so long, and Гус been а
smart actor for a long time, but I've never
given my brain t thing other than my
work. And u nd very sat-
fying in а
And this leads to the one thing that
Dreyfuss is concentrating on less than he

and early forties, EM Я E used to:
whatever it is you've Ultra-Sensitive Derma-Silk'" Safetex Condoms. Actir
been doing isn “I wasin love with
enough.” my work,” he says. “1
. like my work now,
Here are a fe but l'm not in love

things that. Richard
Dreyfuss is concen-

trating on more
than he used to:
Famil.

“The classic
cliché,” he admis,
pointing to an oil

painting of his two
children, six-year-
old Emily and three-
od Ben. “I

get married

until 1 was thirty.
‚ after years of a

confirmed belief
that Td never get
married. And I'm a
different per

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and I had an addic-
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an affair, it wa
it was hot 1 don
have such an a
anymore. In a sense,
thats freeing”

The affair ended,
he says, “when I wa
urrecied. I think
could be said that
1 loved being on the
make. 1 loved being
hustler and prov-
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directing,” he ad-
"And half of
impulse is yes, I
should be directing.
But then | stop and
say ‘Yeah, but |
should be directing
something I want to
direct. So I'm constantly looking"
Adds Judith James, his partner in his
production company, “I know he's going to
direct before long, A year, tops."
Producing.

Dreyfuss and
when he

ames met eight years ago
unpublished plays
workshop program she
ng at L.A’s Mark Taper Forum.
He was trying to get his feet under him
after the drug period, trying to find the
ground,” she remembers. “I knew he was a
star who had fallen, but he was also this
articulate, interested person who was
fighting to get himself back together. And
he was so talented it took you

When they discovered they

was те

“Developed in conjunction with Fuß latex of Japan,

years, “one of the usual group of suspects
they ask to work for liberal causes.” In the
mid-Seventies, he even told interviewers
he wanted to run for a Congressional seat
someday “Only recently,” he says now,
have I come to the realization thar I don't
ve to run for political office. Lam poli
cal. 1 live in a political community, and I
work within it, and that’s as satisfying to
me as any fantasy of being a Senator from
California.”

"Today, his political involvement takes a
different form. He and James produced an
АВС television special on the anniversary
of the U.S. Constitution and are at work on
nother dealing with peace m the Middle

1 won it too soon.
And it took the fire

of me. I had
to prove
nd I was

100 young and im-
mature по! to have
something to prove.
And somehow, thats when things got 10
taste bad."

He frowns and his words become qui
eter. "I wanna have a love affair.” he says,
and if it's not with acting, it should be with
something. Then again, maybe UH find
that I don't need 10 have a love affa
forty-two, and I beli
the absolute peak, somehow, of your life.
And you've gotta make the rest of vour life
up. or else its just downhill from here

Carrie Fisher recently interviewed her
old pal to help flesh out "an intense, power-
ful guy” whos a char in her next
book. ^I dont пе nouce that

151

PLAYBOY

152

to worry about him anymore,” she says.
“He's still up to his elbows in intensity. But
1 guess we're both had kids who grew up. I
mean, we hear the same song, singing to us
from somewhere deep in the forest, but
now we don't necessarily respond to it."
Fisher's first book, incidentally. was a
somewhat autobiographical comedy that
began with the line “Maybe I shouldn't
have given the guy who pumped my stom-
ach my phone number, but who cares?” In
the upcoming film version of Postcards
from the Edge, Meryl Streep stars as the
character loosely based on Fisher—and in
а cameo, playing the doctor who pumps

Its a photograph of children, and the
faces arc what grab you. A few youngsters
stare toward the camera with outright
wonder, another looks frightened and one
m in the ai
and opening her mouth in what seems to
be sheer delight. Crouched behind the
curtain at a puppet show in Europe in
the Forties, photojournalist Alfred Eiscı
staedt captured the gamut of childhood
emotions, and the photo now hangs on a
wall in Richard Dreyfuss’ study.

But at the moment, dozens of
photo are spread out on a desk in
Dreyfuss’ office. A local design company
was given the Eisenstaedt photo and asked
to use it to design a logo for Dreyfuss and
James’ production company; now two of
the designers are back with some samples,
and a number of are gather

ions

striking work

And then Dreyfuss walks in and, with
one sentence, blows the designers out of
the water. Maybe this is to be expected:
After all, Dreyfuss is a guy who has long
ion for being hard to please,

and dissatisfied with some of his best-
received films. "He has extraordinarily
high standards,” says Judith James. “He
knows when he can play a part truly, if
we're talking about an actor. And if
we're talking about him as a producer, he
wants the Is dotted.

“L can't tell you,
said, Ч didn't know he

she continues, “how

something from fifteen ways, and his style
is to examine things inside out. I y
to work with him, you'd better be т

find this exciting and people who find it a
pain in the ass.”

Dreyfuss knows that his methods have
alienated people and his reputation hasn't
always been the best. "Don't you read?” he
asked one reporter іп 1979. "I'm an arro-
gant asshole. I'm a loudmouth s.o.b."

But Dreyfuss’ fabled arrogance—vari-
ously attributed to his insecurity, his drive
to succeed when nobody else believed in
him and frustration in dealing with
people who expect actors to shut up and
do what they're told—is nowhere to be
found as he looks at the sample designs for
his logo. Instead, he's soft-spoken, genial
and charming. He rejects the designers’
work, to be sure, but h tikes them feel
good about themselves as he does so.

“I didn't mean for us to just duplicate the
picture,” he begins apologeticall
you to use the idea of children listen
storyteller, And it really shouldn't be—l
guess I wasnt clear about this—it shouldn't
be the figures of this picture."

The designers exchange
glances; this is news to them. But, as Drey-
fuss points out, a logo featuring European
children in dated clothing could raise
more questions th his pic-
ture, unless you really know the whole

anxious

n answe

"Seven dwarfs and only one condom!"

сепішті, 15 going to look like Little
Berta on the battlements,” he says, and
then grins and points at the child with her
arm raised. “This looks like the Bugsy
Malone version of Les Misérables.” He
switches to a high squeaky voice and
shouts, “To the barricades, Pee-wee!”

The room explodes in laughter, every-
body loosens up and Dreyfuss alternately
praises the work that has been done and
enthusiastically outlines the kind of thing
he really wants. Finally, as the meeting
winds down, his publicist clears his throat.
“Let me just ask one really kind of stupid
question,” he says. “re doing it
tically, what kind of an ethnic mix do
you want in those faces? Do you w:
black kid? Do you want an Orienta
Do you want a Mexican-American ki
should be discussed.”

Dreyfuss puts his head in his hands.
"Don't ask me,” he groans, “if I'm pol
ly correct at this moment.”

“1 didn't mean it as a political question,”
says the publicist, “but I think its some-
thing that we have to conside:
Well. ТЇЇ leave it up to you.

says Drey-

Ц
how it feel
to use a black face or a chicano face, or.

“Oh,” says one designer with a grin.
ig us the ball?”

r eruption of laughter.
“Got that pretty good, eh?" Dreyfuss says.
“The buck stops. . . over there" He flashes
»phant problem solvers grin. “And
thank you very much for coming in.”

Another day another meeting. This
ones with the UCLA professor who de-
signed Dreyfuss’ Middle Eastern book/TV
project and the leader of an 15га sed
centrist think tank. And this time, the
meetings being held notin Dreyfuss’ office
but in the home he's renting in Hancock
Park while his own Hollywood Hills home
is being renovated.

Located in Los Angeles’ classy, old-mon-
ey enclave, the house is spacious, comfort-
able and clearly decorated with a knowing
eye. The living room is a skillful but seem-
ngly casual mixture: two large flower-
print couches dead center, a baby grand
piano in the corner, a few a book-
cases and desks around the perimeter and
lots of artfully arranged bric-a-brac.

He's quick to credit his wife's interior-
decorating skills. “My wife has many won-
derful qualities,” he says, “and one of the
ncredible things—you won't believe me
when I tell you—is that Jeramie made this
house look like this in one day. She was able
to put up every fucking thing in this house
and make it look as if all the chotchkies
vs been here, in one day. And the

ted in the entire house
і put the sil
ay from the center of a

ss, turning back to the designers. "See
terms of design. If you want

s met Jeramie Rain in January
1983, married her two months later and

was a father by the end of the year
not home today—shes in North-
h her family, because

father died earlier in the week—and their
first child, Emily, is nowhere in sight;
three-year-old Ben, though, has just come
home from preschool, and when his meet-
ing ends, Dreyfuss grabs him and carries
him over t0 a huge canvas that dominates
one wall of the living room. The oil pa
ing was donc on the set of Down and Out in
Beverly Hills, and it shows the actor on
Venice Beach, signing an autograph for a
comely bikini-dad woman while the film
crew and a phalanx of bystanders watch.

"Whei your dad?" Dreyfuss yells,
dangling Ben in front of the picture. Ben
points to a corner, singling out one of the
film sets crowd-control cops

“Мо, that's not your dad," groans Drey-
fuss with feigned exasperation. “Thats
just some shmoo.”

Ben runs away, and his dad watches him

0. “The two of them are astonishing,” he
says softly. “You know, Гуе loved women,
Гус loved my parents, I've loved my
work... but Гуе never had an experience
thats so stark. The contrast is like going
from black and white to color, from some-
thing that is muddy to someth ivid.
Um not a great dad and Im not a great
husband—I'm just a good guy and that
makes up a lot for my not being a great dad
оға great husband. But inside, I found this
astonishment of love.” He's almost whisper
ing. “I stare at my kids and I try to remem-
ber: Did my mother stare at me?

Ben returns with two glasses of water
and a couple of spoons, sticks a spoon into
his dad's water glass and announces, “Lets
pretend this is tea.”
reyluss groans; if he agrees, he knows
Ben will be stirring his water for the fore-
sceable future. "No," he says evenly, "lei
not pretend this is tea. Let's pretend this
water. You can futz with your own water
here, you can do all kinds of things to your
own but not to mine."

"No," says Ben, adamant. "Pretend you
have something else to drink."

His dad relents. “OK,” he says, “I'm
drinking . . . Coca-Cola."

And ['m drinking Coca-Cola,” says Ben
nmediately.

Dreyfuss grins and between interrup-

tions tells of the time when Emily, then 18
months old, suddenly became very sick. Ig-
noring all the logical responses, he says, he
threw her into the car and drove through
the Hollywood hills at breakneck speed,
desperate to get her to the nearest hospi-
tal; when he got there, the doctors took
onc look at Emily and treated him instead.
hen, four days later—heid been working
on Down and Out and hadn't seen hei
awake since that night—he arrived home
and Emily ran into his arms and hugged
him. “I burst into a flood of tears |
hadn't cried since I don't know when,” he
says, adding that that’s when he kne

y “1 highly recommend it,” he concludes.

“Its a tidal wave that hits your house, and
you go with it.”

And now part of that tidal wave is back,
in the person of a spoon-wielding Ben
Dreyfuss. “Suir some of your Coca-Cola
up,” Ben says, proffering the utensil.

“No,” insists Dreyfuss, “I don't need any
stirring. I want my Coca-Cola left exactly
the way I like it: dark brown, with ice
cubes.” He takes a sip of water. "Minm,
pretty good Coca-Cola

Ben reclaims the spoon. “ГИ stir mine,”
he says. "Mine is great.” Excited, he can't
help but tangle his syntax. "Am 1 great?”
he asks. “Do I have great with cola?”

His dad grins from ear to ear. "You,"
announces proudly, “are great with cola

Richard Dreyluss is not on a roll.

In fact, he has reached something of a
conversational impasse, sitting on hi
couch for the second day of discussions.
The talk has turned to hi:
larly Always and whateve
planned for the future—and for a guy
who says he doesn't even believe in the
U al Studios Tour "because I dont
think anybody should know how movies
are made,” discussing unmade or unre-
leased projects doesn't come easily.

“I dont like to talk about things that
haven't happened yet," he says, frowni
"It's bad luck. 1 mean, I didn't even want to
talk to you about this peace project. And
when I found myself telling you about it
yesterday, half of me
what а
ter for me to do that. No, n don't like to talk
about a project before it has happened—
and as you know, I don't like to talk about a
project alter it has happened.” He grins
“So that kinda leaves us in a quandary.

Sull, he manages to take a quick trip

through his recent movies, from the ones
he liked (Down and Out in Beverly Hills,
Tin Men, Stakeout) to the ones he didn't. In
this latter group he puts Moon over Para-
dor (“It should have been a lot funnier; ev-
eryone looks a little tight-assed in that
film") and especially last summers box-
office flop Let Ht Ride. (“1 thought we were
making a rude, funny edgy, impolite,
make-you-nervous kind of comedy
which we werent successful in achieving
when we shot it. The studio wasn't happy
ambition, either.)
s complaints aside, though, it’s not a
р for an actor who has gone
alty to bankable star in a few
years. His recent crop of movies hasnt in-
cluded anything as flamboyant or star-
making as some of rliest films, but it's
the work of a man who has become what
Dreyfuss seemed unlikely to become: a
ng actor whom
s can rely on without wo
about that once-troublesome reputation.

“I have a good, solid career as an actor,”
he says of his current status, "I'm not in a
position, like a few people might be, where
I can scribble something on a cocktail nap-
kin and get it done—nor am Lin a position

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PLAYBOY

154

of not being able to get an appointment.
Em a member of the community.”

He stops and considers how mundane

bout the
al life of Richard
and kind of,

reyfuss: kind of a movie sta
iddle-

Well? Is that what his life's like?

Не nods. “It scems like a normal lil
you know what I mean? I have my family,
my kids, and 1 go to work, and once
while, Fl do a movie or a play,
come home and go swimming. Kinda mid-

esa part
s"—here he drops his
“You're boring.
that his ambitions
not have nothing
st wish
happy

of me that sull
voice to a whisper—

So boring, it seem
for the future as often
to do with show business. His grea

or producing and maybe teaching.

“Had I not wanted to pursue a career as
an actor,” he says, “I might very well have
been teaching in a high school all this time
and been very happy” He shifis into a

booming voice. "I wouldn't have been driv-
But

ing а 560 Mercedes two-seater, pal. . .
what the hell
In the meantime, there are ah

movies. Currently, for ins
ways. Dreyfuss has a particular
lor this movie, partly because he's agai
working with the friend who directed him
in Jaws and Close Encounters, partly be-
cau 's based on one of his favorite old
movies, A Guy Named Joe.

The original was directed by Victor
Fleming in 1943, four years after he'd
made The Wizard of Oz and (with a little
help) Gone with the Wind; à starred
Spencer Tracy as a reckless World War Two
flier who's killed in action but returns to
earth to watch over fellow pilot Van John-
friend Irene Dunne.
In the new version, the action has been
changed to a national park, where Drey-
fuss’ character flics fire-fighting planes.

“It was a lot of fun, and 1 would have
done it for free," Dreyfuss says, and grins
wickedly. “I want Steven to read this, be-
cause he paid me a lot of money, and I want
him to think, That son of a bitch. .

Again, the sharp laugh. “I have а con-
сей,” he adds. “My story is, I told Steven to
make the movie. I have a memory that I
told him about A Guy Named Joe when I
did Jaws. He thinks that either he had the
idea already or he got it from someone
else. But I know the original script line by
ne. and I've known it since | was ten. It's a
vorite movie of mine.”

But, of course, he can't say much about
it, Ask if it’s safe to assume that Spielberg

“I split with Sharon. I heard her biological clock

licking and my alarm went off.

will bring his characteristic sense of won-
der to the film and he grins, says, “One
could assume that,” and clams up. Ask why
he likes the original so much and he's по
more forthcoming.

^| feel awkward talking about it,” he

says. “Although I know that Steven breaks
this rule all the time, he’s always ask;
people not to talk about the old movie, b
ca s people will make compari-
sons. So let's not talk about it. Suffice it to
say that 17
he taught me a great deal about act
bout women, about walking and talking
nd breathing. And lots of times on this
movie, I just blatantly imitated him, but no
ones gonna know i

Certainly, no one’s going to expect
Richard Dreyfuss, who made his reputa-
tion playing brash, fast-talking schemers
with something to prove—and who might
have been a little like those guys in real
life—is taking his cues from an actor
known for being solid, low-key and reli-
able, a man who liked to claim that acting
snt a profession that required much
in power. Twenty years ago, or 15 years
ago, or maybe even ten years ago, you
wouldn't have watched ‘Tracy and thought
of Dreyfuss; but now that Dreyfuss is not
so driven, not so frantic, the comparison
might make sense.

He has found a calm life to be intense
in” is the way Carrie Fisher puts it.

“He has made choices” is the way Judith
James puts it.

James elaborates: “When [ met him, he
was looking for a way to heal. I mean, he
was seeing the world through unhazy ey:
for the first time, and I could see a man
who was saying, ‘Now, wait one second.
How the hell did I get here, and what do I
really want in life? And the healing proc-
ess had to do with getting married, it had
to do with getting up on stage again, it had
to do with going to work on Down and Out,
it had to do with getting good scripts
again, it had to do with the Constitution
project, it had to do with finding a way to
use his mind. . .. 1 guess that I saw a man,

nd up until then, people had been look.
ingat a be

And now the man sits back in his
room and considers his maturation, his life
juggling movie s and suburban fa
therhood and the mi isis he’s cager
to explore in his work. He doesn't seem hy-
peractive today; he just seems grown up.
You know,” he muses, “the perfect a:
pect of when you get into your forties is
when you start to say things like, ‘I used to
know things, now I don't know things.”

Richard Dreyfuss, youthful provocateur
turned suburban dad, aging and happy,
thinks of the cliché and laughs. “We
says, “I used to know things about acting
and about my work. Now 1 dont know
things. And maybe thats better.”

WITHDRAWAL

(continued from page 101)
you don't have to stand in the kitchen
wolfing down cold pizza because you're too
starved to spend an hour cooking. And
te a friend for dinner without
g the day up to your elbows in
tions. Suddenly, a dinner party for
no big deal to pull off.

Having said all this, we know you're
wondering—what’s the catch?

There isn't one. If you
on a plate and slice a zucchini, you c
execute all the recipes here in p

And we're not talking about heating up
some Dinty Moore, either. These dishes
are definitely | respectable—marinated
strip steak, spicy fillet of salmon, and so on
Still, as you'll sec, they're effortless.

Hungry? You can skip ahead to the
recipes right now. But since you're here, we
thought you might want this crash course
in microwaving:

1. Did you ever stop to think about how a
traditional electric oven works? For the
record, it converts electricity into heat
through the use of a resistance coil, and
then the dry heat cooks the food by direct
or indirect molecular conduction. But you
don't need to know or think about any of
that to use an electric oven. A microwave
oven converts electricity into short radio.
waves through the use of a magnetron
tube, and the waves then heat the food by
apidly moving the liquid molecules in it.
2. Microwaved food is not second best
Most of us got the idea that it was from
having one too many ехрегісі with gut-
less, reheated-in-a-microwave restaurant
food. In truth, a microwave oven is simply
an appliance like any other. Great things
can come out of it and bad things can come
out of it. It depends on how you use it.

3. There are three sizes of microwave
ovens: small (400 watts), which is meant
mostly for reheating and for cooking
frozen TV dinners; and medium (500
watts) 10 large (600 to 750 watts), meant
for regular cooking. All of our recipes are
intended for large ovens.

4. Io cook food in a microwave, y
use any type of container except metal.
GI

range food

эп сап

amic and some plastics
ial set of

Il fine. (You dont need a spec
microwave containers.) Metal
mended, because i

in turn, creates friction, heat and steam.
Covering a food with any type of nonmetal
cover or plastic wrap helps hold the steam
and the heat in, so the food cooks better.
6. There can be a lot of probes and sen
sors on a microwave oven. But all you ne
to use for these recipes is the cook т

(sometimes labeled coo or ncn or 100%)
button.

7. Like anything else, the more you use
microwave oven, the more comfortable
you'll be with it. We suggest sticking to the
recipes, however, until you're a microwave
master. Using arithmetic in microwaving
doesnt always work. Doubling the amount
of food, for mple, doesn't mean dou-
bling the cooking time.

8. In terms of cleaning up, you'll be hap-
py to learn that microwaved food almost
s onto the container it's cooked
in—so not only is the cooking fast, the
clean-up

9. Like every other appliance, the m
crowave cooks certain foods extremely
well and others not so hot. The following
are great in the nuker: fresh lish, fresh
vegetables, hot cereals, rice and risotto,
beans and legumes, cooked fruit, broth
and stock. Soups (especially vegetable
Chicken, turkey and game, as well as sauces
and toasted nuts, aren't bad, either. What
you really want to avoid are breads and
soufflés.

Our first dinner gets cooked all at once.
on one plate. ton t
plate, there's virtually по clean-up, either.
Ultimate no-fuss stuff.

never er

cc you even

DINNER FOR ONE. PLEASE, JAMES.
Spicy Fillet of Salmon.
.

Broccoli with Mushrooms
and Cashews

.
Sour-Dough Rolls
.
Chardon:

Ice Cream with Hot Fudge

You make: spicy fillet of salmon and
broccoli with mushrooms and cashews.

You buy: sour-dough rolls, a good Char-
donnay, ice cream and hot fudge.

SPICY FILLET OF SALMON AND BROGCOLL WITH
MUSHROOMS A

0¢

"ws

Rinse an 8-07, salmon fillet under tap
water. Pat dry Sprinkle lightly all over with
chili powder. Place on microwave-safe din-
plate and complete following direc-
tions: Mix together Y lb. ready-cut (from
id. bar) broccoli florets, about В slices
h mushrooms and about 6 cashew
place on other side of plate. Cove

dough rolls. When it's time for dessert, you
may want to warm hot fudge in small bowl
in microwave for 1 mii
ing it over ice cr
Next, we do an easy dinner for two. The

ute before

spoon-

nt meal
, some doth

idea here is to make an ele,

minutes. With a boule of w

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PLAYBOY

156

„ a candle or two and some good
music, you should be all set.

SNAP DINNER FOR TWO.

Ramekins of Fresh Crab Meat
.
ted Strip Steak
.
Baked Potatoes with Crisp Bacon and
Herbed Sour-Cream Sauce

Mari

ench Bread
.
Cabernet S;

Poached Pears in Raspberry Sauce
.

Saute:

Crusty

avignon

You make: ramekins of fresh crab meat,
marinated strip steak, baked potatoes w
crisp bacon and herbed sour-cream sauce,
mixed greens with warm pecan dressing
and poached pe: ice

You . an ele-
gant, ready-to-drink cabernet such а
1985 Flora Springs Cabe Ў
апа a delicious sauterne in
as you can afford. Cháteaux Laf
Peyraguey, Rieussec and Suduiraut are
possibilities.

The following is the order of prepa

aurit-

tion: Marina ak, prepare and chill
the pear desseri, make the salad and ıhe
dressing, ready the sour-cream sauce, cook
the pota ready and heat the crab

st before ser

ng.

КАМЕКІМЎ OF FRESH CRAB MEAT

With fork, gently together Ya Ib.
finest-quality cooked crab meat, juice of Y
lemon, 1 tablespoon mayonnaise, 1 table-
spoon finely chopped fresh dill, 1 table-
spoon finely chopped fresh chives and 2
teaspoons finely chopped fresh parsley.
Season lightly with a little salt and a little
white pepper. Divide into тко Y-cup deco-
rative microwavessafe ramekins or gratin
dishes and microwave, uncovered, on high
lor 1% minutes. Serve.

MARINATED STRIP STEAK

lo prepare marinade, combine i
blender or food processor 3 tablespoons
soy sauce, I tablespoon hoisin sauce,
blespoons bourbon, 2 cloves garlic and 1-
in. piece peeled fresh gingerroot, P
Lb. strip steak in microwave-safe shallow
dish. Pour marinade over steak
so that it's coated on all sides. Cover w
plastic wrap and let marinate as long as
vou can—prelerably a few hours.

Without. uncovering, micros steak
on high for 10 minutes for rare or 12 min-
k over

“Not much of a crowd yet, but lets screw anyway.”

once midway through cooking. Prick plas-

tie wrap to let steam escape. Allow steak to
cool for à minute or two. Transfer to cut-
g board. Shee on diagonal into ian.

thick strips and arrange on two plates.
Spoon juices in dish over steak on each
plate and serve.

BAKED POTATOES WITH CRISP BACON AND
HERBED SOUR-CREAM SAUCE

. Place 2

floor

high f

‘ge (8-0z.) baking potatoes on
of microwave oven. Microwave on
Wrap in foil to keep

n and set a
To make sauce, place three sheets paper
ag on dinner plate. Place 2 strips ba-
con on paper towels and cover with anot-
er sheet. Microwave on high for 3 minutes.
Cool bacon, crumble and add to Y cup
sour m, along with I tablespoon finely
chopped scallions, 1 tablespoon finely
chopped parsey | finely chopped sun-
dried tomato, salt and pepper.

lo serve, unwrap potatoes, cut deep
gash in each and press sides so they fluff
up. Spoon large dollop of sauce onto each.

towel

MIXED GREENS WITH WARM PECAN DRESSING

loss together combination of Boston
nd romaine lettuces (enough for 2 indi
vidual salads). Break about 8 pecans into 4
or 5 pieces cach, Put on plate and mi-
crowave on high f
while, in glass im
tablespoons olive oil with 2 tablespoons
balsamic vinegar, a pinch of salt and a
grinding of fresh pepper. Add toasted pe-
cans to dressing. Just before serving, mi-
crow; ngon high for 30 seconds to
toss with greens.

war

POACHED FEARS IN КАЗРВЕККУ SAUCE

ge, firm ripe pears, leaving
е. Cut thin slice off bottom of
each so that pears will stand up straight оп
plate when served. Rub each pe ith a
little lemon juice to prevent discoloration.
Place them in microwave-sale dish and

hours to cool

lo make sauce, put 1 package frozen
unsweetened r ice of Vo lema
teaspoons sugar in blender or food
I smooth. Refriger

pberr

processor. Purée u
ate.

"To serve, place pear in center of dessert
plate. Spoon ce around it.

Finally, we've put together a slick party
menu for six that you can serve buffet or
sit-down style. Start off with cocktails and
then, if you're doing sit-down, move to a
white wine with the shrimp (we like the
1956 Matanzas Creek Sauvignon Blanc)
and a delicious ved (such as the 1988
Georges Duboeuf Saint-Amour or th
1983 Rufino Chianti Classico Riserva
Ducale) for the rest of the meal. H you're

aspberry

h of the wines
selves.

. simply pur be

THE PRESTO PARTY MENU

mps with Mediterrancan

lun;

B
Deep-dish Chicken with Mushrooms

.
Herbed Rice
.
nd Yellow Sq
.
rm Rolls
.
Sauvignon Blanc
Beaujolais
‘lassico Riserva Ducale
.

arlicky Green

№:

Chocol ifle Cake with White-
Chocolate Whipped Cream
.
Cognac

You make: Me
deep-dish chicken
herbed rice, garlicky green
squash and white-chocolate
cream.

You buy: 1% lbs. shrimps, assorted din-
olls, chocolate-truflle cake or another
nd red wine

whipped

and co

ng is the order of prepara-
tuna sauce and chill. Cook
and zucchini in turn, cover-

125°.

coui

MEDITERRANEAN TUNA SAUCE

This easy dish does not require any
cooking at all. You can assemble it while
i e is working full tilt on

„ put 1 cup mayonn;
drained, 2 tablespoons
capers, % cup tightly ked parsley
leaves, juice of 1 lemon and 2 cloves garlic
in food processor. Purée until smooth,
then season with salt and freshly ground
pepper. Serve ce with 1%
Ibs. cooked, pee

MUSHEOOMS

mbine 1 finely
large onion, 1 finely chopped
ке green pepper and 2 finely chopped
cloves cover with pl ap and
icrowave on high for 5 minutes

Ask butcher to cut up
all pieces. Remove ski
piece. Put chicken in la
dish with thicker, mea
s and edges of d
ends near center.

pieces toward
and wings and

ams and
k tomato sauce into cooked
ure aud spread evenly over
ver and microwave on high for

utes.
‘To serve, uncover carefully and arrange

chicken on platter. Stir sauce and ladle
over chicken.

HERBED RICE

In large bowl, combine 1% cups white
rice (we like basmati) with 3 cups chicken

broth. Cover and microwave on high for 24
minutes, Uncover carefully and stir in 2 ta-
blespoons each of any 2 of the following
parsley, С

chopped fresh herb:
ragon, savory or basil.
butter. a few pinches of salt and freshly
ground pepper

GARLICKY GREEN AND YELLOW SQUASH

In large bowl, mix together 1 tablespoon
olive oil and 3 finely chopped cloves garlic.
Microwave on high, uncovered, for |
minute, 15 seconds. To this, add 1 lb.
(about 3 to 4 medium-sized) sliced crook-
neck yellow squashes and 1 lb. (3 to 4
medium-sized) sliced zucchini, Mix well.
Cover. Microwave on high for 8 minutes.

Uncover and drain. Mix squashes with
juice of Ye lime, 1 tablespoon butter, Y cup.
finely chopped parsley, salt and freshly
ground pepper. Transfer to decorative
bowl or platter to serve.

WHITE-CHOCOLATE WHIPPED CREAM

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup heavy
cream with 1 tablespoon sugar and 1 tea-
spoon vanilla extract until cream is
pped to stiff peaks. Add 2 ozs. grated
white chocolate and beat 2 to 3 seconds
ansfer whipped cream to decora-
cover and refrigerate until ready
to dollop onto chocolate cake

As а parting thought, we want you to
know that we under:

st good things in life do require some
smarts and sweat, You'll just have to bliss-
fully accept the nuker into your life. But
dont worry, you'll get used to it.

“Actually, it was an industrial accident, but it’s the kind

of injury that belongs at a ski resort.

157

PLAYBOY

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(continued from page 123)
gynecological establishment, as Dr. Них-
table invites Mr. Roseanne (John Good-
man) in to watch the game over beer and
i he remains on the table,
flailing her arms wildly.

7:52 Just to make sure we don't lose
any audience with this macho spectacle, we
frequently interrupt the Super Bowl with a
variety of original programs, First on the
menu: the terrific made-for-TV movie
Pigskin Cowboy: The Tom Landry Story,
ring Jane Seymour (in the acting chal-
lenge of a lifetime) as former Dallas Cow-
boys coach Tom Landry and Richard
Chamberlain (in a pretty easy part for
him) as Landry's prodigal son, Lance
Rentzel. In a landmark gamble by the
miniscrics costume designer, Seymour still
manages to look hot in Landry's customary
attire: unruflled and trademark hat.

8:01 км: Tonight, Landry faces his
toughest coaching challenge ever: the
Green Bay Packers. Meanwhile, on the side
lines, the crucial contest provides the back-
drop for an all-new episode of The Wonder
Years, as Kevin (Fred Savage) attends his
first-ever pro football game.

8:07 em: At first, Kevin sits alone in the
stands, feeling miserable as cheering
adults mindlessly spill soda, beer and cigar
ashes all over him. But not to worry. Its a
very special episode of The Wonder Years, as
Kevin soon learns about the rare, beautiful
kind of love only a pro footballer and his
young “protégé” can share. In a memora-
ble and stirring final shot, Lance and Kev-
іп skip—almost mince—arm in arm,
down the ramp into the locker room. . . .

8:12 вм: While the Golden Girls watch
the big game from their Florida home. Ac-
tually, its a nursing home they've moved
into. Seems a few real-estate investments
have gone sour, and Medicaid didn't cover
Ma's (Estelle Getty) kidney operation.

8:19 рм: The girls gather round the TV
in wheelchairs and hospital gowns, actual-
ly enjoying the game. But soon their fun is
ruined, as they are joined by their new
roommate, Joan Collins. It's a stretch tor
the veteran actress but also a milestone
performance, as she before the TV—
every facial muscle that was ever tucked
now fallen, a cigarette clenched between
her teeth—muttering, "Had "im!" each
time another player comes onto the screen.

8:26 гм: Half time at the Super Bowl!
But why spoil the evenings fun with some
cheesy marching-band extravaganza when
America’s number-one tabloid journalist
stands by to unrayel one of the great mys-
teries of our time? Yes, it’s Geraldo Rivera
Opens Elvis Grave!

8:34 mu: But before Geraldo—smartly
gliuer and Elvoid side-
hes

decked ош
burns—can exhume the King (һе
not going а unless he has gor
ready), he reminds us that had Elv
longer, he no doubt would have developed
a great love for M*A*S*H reruns, and

nitely would have wanted to see... .

8:40 em: The Son of M*A*S*H! In this
special, a young Korean girl, Ding (Phoe-
be Gates), comes to the U.S, to find the an-
swer to the one question that has burned in
her mind for years: "Which one of you bas-
tards is my father

8:56 ea: Phoebe moves from scene to
scene, attired in your basic Seoul B-girl
dress and carrying a stack of photos of the
M*A*S*H regulars, Before lon; nds
her culprit: Oddly enough, her father
turns out to be Corporal Klinger (Jamie
Farr—not because it makes any sense but
because he’s the only actor from the origi-
nal cast desperate enough to take this gig).

9:03 em.: Any time you have these kinds
of ratings, you can bet they'll be accompa-
nied by expensive, painstakingly pro-
duced commercials. In this first spot, Pepsi
struts its stuff by offering Mother Teresa
the chance to take the Pepsi Challenge. (No
fair telling which she prefers!)

9:04 en.: Wanting a new life for himself
and his daughter. Klinger takes Ding to
live on a farm owned by Sam Shepard and
Jessica Lange. There's only one problem:
The Commies have just dropped the
bomb—again—and now its The Day After
the Day Afte

9:09 em.: Sorrow turns to joy when Sam
and Jessica discover, two days after the nu-
clear holocaust, that they're growing huge
fruit. The action takes a delightful turn as
Sam and Jessica dance in circles around a
huge guava, screaming, “We're rich. .

9:17 рм: Or at least rich enough to “load
up the truck and move to Beverly... Hills,
that is. Swimming pools, horribly mutated,
postnuclear movie stars. . ..” Back
with the Beverly Hillbillies, featuring a spe-
cial cameo appearance by Buddy Ebsen as
the now-toothless, now-hairless, cadaver-
like, cement pond- dwelling former owner
of the mansion.

9:25 рм: Unfortunately, the new-found
wealth becomes a little too much for the
otherwise earthy Sam. He goes nuts, tears
off on a shooting spree through a few chic
Beverly Hills boutiques and finds himself
charged with murder. Athis trial, 11 jurors
decide he's guilty, but onc juror holds out,
in this daring remake of a TV classic star-
ring a dozen of the world's top supermod-
els: Twelve Angry Babes. (Special guest
star: Jerry Hall as the odd model out.)

9:33 rw: Like most beautiful women,
the supermodels want nothing more than
10 toss Sam into jail (and eventually have
their way with him), yct once he is behind
bars, Mr. True West discovers a shocker:
His cellm ‘Terranova (Ken
Wahl), у an undercover cop inves-
ligating corruption in the prison choir sys-
tem. Thats right, its а star-studded
episode of Wiseguy, featuring James
Brown (James Brown) as the good-footin”
choirmaster.

Television history is
Wiseguy suddenly grinds to a
screeching halt for an eight-minute Shep-
ard-Wahl pouting showdown. Both men sit

“I am a very happily married man. So, please, Angela,
do not cut the thread with your teeth.”

PLAYBOY

sullenly in their cell. For dramatic tension,
one looks out from behind the bars, the
other stares into the distance from his
bunk. Now you're kicking yourself for not
turning on your VCR!
9:51 рм: Another commercial. This
time, to demonstrate just how incredibly
safe its cars are, Volvo lets Mike Tyson pull
one out of his driver
9:52 em: Back outside the Super Bowl,
the cast of ¢hirtysomething goes through a
good 20-something minutes of angst try-
ing to decide whether or not to buy tickets
from a scalper. Why the big fuss? Well,
there's that whole macho football thing,
and that whole stadium thing, and that
whole seat-cushion/environmental-impact
thing.
1 рм: Eventually, the thirtysomething
gang decides to make the purchase, only to
discover, that the tickets are not for the Su-
per Bowl at all but for Bob Hopes Super-
Duper Super Bowl! Special. In the opening
“Swingin Sixties” s the thirtysomething
kids play the board of directors at a major
N.C.A A. college, and Ann Jillian and Bob
play the hippies occupying their offi
You've gotta laugh as Bob and Ann stand
before the thirtysomething gang. fasl
those peace signs and wearin’ those head-
bands, bell-bottoms and де vests. What
ahoot!
10:3] pm.: Suddenly, all hell breaks loo
when guest star Brooke Shields (playing

Angela Davis) and thirtysomething’s se
husky-voiced Polly Draper get into a с
fight over who has bushier eyebrows. But
in a rare burst of thought (albeit dictated
by pt), Brooke remembers that there
are more important issues in the world
than eyebrows (unless you count tweezing).
So she joins rocker Rod Stewart, wr
Hulk Hogan, crooner Julio Iglesi
“Crocodile” Dundes Hogan and Pope John
Paul П as they host an i el-
lite teleca led Save the Algae!

10:49 rst: Watching the big benefit from
the window of an appliance store in Mal-
ibu, g (Larry Hagman) struggles
who he is, after having been

11:04 рм: Another commercial, another
big-money celebrity endorsement: Rob
Lowe for the Sony Handycam. (Do the li
ile black bars come with the camera, Rob:
11:05 rat: Back at the big satcllite-tele-
cast benefit, the Pope succeeds in uniting
Hulk Hogan and Paul Hogan. “My work is
done,” the Pope calls out. “I'm retiring!”
11:14 рм: Suddenly, our programing
cuts to a very familiar setting—a couple of
familiar settings, in fact. Its a reunion
show! No, it's a time-travel specia
both! Archie Bunker (Carroll О'С‹ onnor)

finds himself hurled into pioneer days and
living with Laura Ingalls Wilder,
the Prairie. (Best one-liner: Archie asking
Laura, “Am I far enough back in time to

)
: We dissolve from the All in the
Prairie front porch (where Charles In,
and Archie hammer it out—

s
chair)

to, of all things, an episode of L.A. Law.
ates an often
Г "special

Benny leaves McKenzie, Brack-

a more lucrative position as the to-
ken mentally disabled person nother
law firm. (Most touching scene: Benny
ing lot in a Porsche,
id several of the LA. Law

The Porsches v

We return to Cosby and find
Dr. Huxtable and Mr. Roscanne ed out
in front of the ultrasound monitor—which
now features Ted Koppel hosting the per-
fect wrap-up to the eveninglong night-
mare: a special Nightline Coast-to-Coast
Town Meeting! The guests: a dozen trans-
sexual, drug-addicted, bisexual, orphaned
satanic tcen killers and their yictims—all
of whom love too much.

/ho do you do first: Phil or

“Floyd will be wilh us as soon as his basketball
game is over.”

BELIZE «neo

“Its like having forty minutes of sex without cli-
max, һе says. You have to go down again.”

abandon dances with a possible account-
ant, while another guy takes pictures with
an auto-everything camera. Then she
dances with two or more men at a time.

over the trombone player
amps. As she staggers out, she addresses
the entire bar: "If youre ever in San Di-
.” She is replaced by the most beau-
n the Caribbean, in a green
sheath dress, surrounded by scuba divers.
Lonely guys at the bar plot ways to elimi-
nate the divers, hoping that the w n
will turn to them in her grief.

At some point in the night, we stop in a
tiny store for a torta—a chicken-and-chili-
pepper sandwich guaranteed to ignite and
burn off the blood-alcohol concentration.
Whatever, it works. We awake without an
overhang (the local word for the morning
after). We are ready for the serious busi-
ness of haying fun.

In the morning, the town is deserted:
Everyone is out on the water or under it.
David points to а row of brand-new Mistral
boar ls tied to ng hitching post.
е one,” he The keys are in the
on. The motors running.” In this
case. the motor is а 15-to-20-mile-per-
hour trade wind blowing directly on shore.
He explains the playground: The reef
creates a channel of flat water, perfect
for screaming reaches or cruise-till-you-
snooze daylong voyages. You can sa
miles north to the Mexi
about 30 miles south to Belize Ci
ly race covers the di
three hours). Harry and 1 choose boards
and launch. We spend the morning

ng past anchored са ns, past fishing.
docks with grass huts (called palapas), over
water so clear your mind defies gravity.
Looking down, we sec fish, rays. Dolphins
arc out of the sca beside our boards. Squids
take flight suddenly (David once had a
squid get caught in the flow of air around
his sail—it floated there for about five star-
Шей seconds.) Frigate birds hang in the sky
like kites, waiting, connected to the sea by
long threads of anticipation and hunger.
Beauty never attacks unless you are open
toit.

Неге and there, suspended betwee!

white sand bottom and the actual surface
of the water, are humans. 1 wonder about
the

divers. Where
ns to me that if
istormers of water sports, then divers
are the airline pilots. They strike me as
control freaks, changing their buoyancy
with weights or inflatable vests, calculating
their blood/nitrogen content as though it
were soil.

ack at our hotel, I stop one of them on

the ай

the balcony. He is a small-parts manufac-
turer from Ohio, He was certuihed the week
before m a swimming pool; his first oper
water dive happened to be in one of the
natural wonders of the world, He petted a
nurse shark, touched a parrot fish the size
of a beer keg, followed grouper and went
down at night to discover legions of fish.
He flew, did barrel rolls and faced climbs
up coral cliffs. “It's like having forty min-
utes of sex without climax,” he says. “You
have to go down again.”

Later in the week, I meet Becky and
K.C., two white-water rafters from Idaho
who have come to Belize for some blue-wa-
ter adventure. Over drinks one night, K.
discusses the similarity of diving to flying:
“You're twenty feet down and suddenly a
crevasse opens up thats sixty feet deep.
You go, "Whoa'—that old fear of falling
kicks in—but then you just let it happeı
You let your hands drift back, you dive.
You do a barrel roll and watch your friends
fly in slow motion."

Becky discusses the calm: “It's a given.
You want to conserve air. You don't even
use your hands to swim. You try to make a
tank last forever. But then you see some-
thing exquisite and st
hands like an Italian. Next thing you know,
time to surface.”
Yeah," says K.C.,
diver chalk boards.

Restraint. Speechlessness. Wind
the spring until it's ready to burst

Both speak of the sense of contact; diver
as ЕЛ. “How do you de:
to enter a world of marvelous creatures
who dont realize wl oles we really
are?”

On a windless day, I decide to give it a
try I sign on for а glass-bottom-boat
cruise, the ultimate coffce-table book. It
isn't enough. | sign on for snorkeling and
follow schools of indigo- and neon-blue
tans, chase long silver gars and delight in
angelfish while a guide leads me through
canyons of staghorn coral. 1 look at a
brown oval known as br coral and
think, So that’s where I left it. In the si
lence imposed by my equipment, cliché

“thats why we have

g up

echoes | sound check before a rock
concert empty hall. "Ieeming with
lite 1 become aware of the

Гус stared
at the aquamarine face of glaciers and seen
time as compressed layers of snow. On the
reef, life, freed of gravity, teased by sun
light, has etched wild patterns, razor
sharp.

1 develop respect for the divers. They go
out before seven, again at two, again at sev-
en for night dives. Some are gone all day,
on trips to the Blue Hole, a hole 1000 feet

time th

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161

PLAYBOY

162

in diameter that goes straight down. The
earth's last step. They achieve the same
peaceful exhaustion 1 feel after a day of

n honest man's play.

ight, I try to explain
ng: It offers exhi
ration and adrenaline, but calm is the ult
mate goal. The secret to most sports is
keeping your head. Windsurfing is a sim-
ple sport, its just not easy The basi
moves— weight transfer, flipping the sail,
trimming—are transformed by shifting
conditions. The matador jibe I practice іп
light air is the kala for the combat of wave
sailing, Years ago, I read an interview with
а basketball player (Kareem?) who had
made this incredible shot, alinost upside
down, behind the basket—a shot that wa
replayed on television for weeks, a shot that
became known as The Shot. He explained
the secret: practice. For 20 years, you teach
your body to do а simple lay-up so that
when you are upside down and see the
backboard and net, your hand performs
the famil simple, basic everyday shot
It's called being in the zone, when you fas-
ten your feeling to technique, your tech-
nique to feeling and let muscle memory do
its stuff. I practice the simple moves of
windsurfing so that when I am screaming
in the liquid smoke of water blown side-
ways by the wind, my hands will remember
to spin my partner, the What I seek i
not adrenaline but something called по
the calm in the eye of the
storm, Its clear that the local sailors are іп
it for the adrenaline.

Tacio—the best of the locals—was given
a board by a tourist; he fashioned his own
sail, made a hı ss out of duct tape and
aught himself the sport. Taking Tacio un-
der his wing, David formed a g club.
for the sons of fishermen: They traveled to
Guatemala and beat every sailor in sight.
‘They are training for the Olympics. The
local kids love speed: They race jet skis un
der the docks, ride dirt bikes through the
Jungle. Tacio is amazing. After watching
him get air off chop the size of raised cy
brows, I stop trying to keep up. Harry sug-
gests а handicap: Tacio should sail with a
keg of beer strapped to his board. 1 am
here to work on muscle memory, to lay
down layers of technique. When 1 watch
Тасю sail, I see genetic memory, genera-
tions of men who work the sea in wooden
boats, at play with the fiberglass and
fluorcscent toys of my sport.

‘The week is a series of pictures waiting
to attack. Every night at sunset, I watch the
sandlighters set. off for Belize City or re-
turn. These gaff-rigged boats, ls
the color of parchment, assume a timeless,
coinlike quality. I want to get a picture of a
windsurfer in front of the boats. On our
last day in San Pedro, Harry and I are
practicing light air jibes when one of these
We race it, the thre
t the competition. For
three miles, we keep up as the water turns
purple. In the dying wind, the huge sa
gives the sandlighter an advantage. We sail

until it is clear to all the exact dimension of
that advantage.

We are like the squid caught avid
foil, only we are trapped by the beau
the past. I wanted this picture, now Lam
the picture.

We are not content to stop at sunset.
Tacio goes into the dive shop and comes
out with Glow Sticks. We crack the tubes
and watch the cerie phosphorescence
pulse. Tying the sticks to our masts, we go
out under a full moon. The sea bed is visi
ble beneath our boards. We sail for hours,
surprised when the huge shapes of a
chored boats loom up out of the dark, star-
Ued when a manta ray sweeps under us.
The colors of the sail are different in
moonlight, more celestial. We are ghost
sailors.

Harry and I have long conversations
about culture, about what will of
San Pedro after a few decades of tourism.
We bitch about the electric lights. We get
precious, then we get drunk. The next
morning, we decide to head upcountry to
bash around the bush in search of Mayan
culture. The good old days

We rent a Suzuki Samurai in Belize City
and drive inland to the Mountain Pine
Ridge reserve area. The Chaa Creck cot-
tages are accessible by four-wheel-drive ve-
hide or by canoe (a two-hour trip down the
river from San Ign They n by
Mick and Lucy ening, two characters
who look like they belong in a PBS series.
They met in Kenya, where they befriended

chap who had caught polio when he per-
formed an autopsy on what he thought was
a rabid monkey. It had bitten two guests.
Handling its brain had crippled him with-

in 48 hours. The friend talked the Flem-

into following his wheelchair to
c. They ended up buying a piece of
mountain bush from an R.A.E group
squadron leader they met in a bar. They
started building thatch-roofed cottages
surrounded by vivid purple bougainvil-
lacas. Theres no electricity there, just
good conversation. I love being in a world
that’s still inhabited by people like this.

We hook up with Becky and K.C.—the
two river runners from Idaho. We decide
to hire a guide and (ош al—the most
impressive Mayan ruins in Central Ameri-
ca—just over the border in Guatemala.

Iwo hours later, we arrive at a city that
once housed 50,000 Mayans, who disap-
red without cx tion 1000 years
ago. In the late 18005, archaeologists dis-
covered a site that had been lost in the jun-
gle for centuries. They saw a valley filled
with hills. Under the tallest hill was a 200-
foot-high pyramid and beneath the other
hills were more than 150 temples,
steles and altars.

We walk among the gray stone myster-
ies, listening to birds and monkeys cavort
in the canopy overhead. The Mayan cre-
ion myth says that the gods attempted to
create man four times: They wanted a
creature that would speak their language,
sing their songs, revere and pay homage—

any parents dream. The monkeys w
the next-to-last try—godlike in form but
capable only of gibberish. The fourth at-
tempt was the Mayan, a man who could see
all of time in the moment, who offered to
his god the still-beating heart of enemies.

We stop at the museum to look at carved
stone, the skeleton of a Mayan ruler un-
rthed, at shards of pottery carefully
pieced together to reveal the faces of God
There is a mystery here. We are seized
with the frustration of knowing that it will
not be solved in our lifetime.

I spent a weck creating muscle memory;
Took at stonework that is the muscle mem
ory of an entire culture. Five hundred
years of pumping stone, and then nada.
abing the stepped faces of these
pyramid-temples is an offering of heart. I
stand at the top listening to my blood
throb, wondering if what I feel is fear, awe
or aerobic collapse. For these people, phys-
iology was religion

1 walk around a ledge on top of one of
the temples, 150 feet above the jungle
floor. As I go around a corner, a cloud of
hornets (they seem to guard the tops of ru-
ins) gather round my head. If they sting, if
1 flinch, I will fall off the ledge, as simple
that. I look at a hornet as large as my life,
try to sense the pain and put it behind me.
You know, we have a car
named alter you back in the States.”

1 make it around, down and on to the
major plaza. The climb up temple two is
just this side of technical. At the top. a
woman Irom San Francisco is panicking. I
relieve her of her camera and say, “This is
not the time to be preoccupied with mate-
rial possessions; not when one misstep
could cost you your life.”

Distraction is better than a slap in the
face, so 1 continue: “Is this thing auto-fo-
cus? Do you think it’s fast enough to catch
a falling body? If you plummet, remember
to look up. Newsweek never prints the back
of someones head, even when its splat-
tered over a thousand-year-old sacrificial
altar.”

She makes it down, then its my turn. I
nga windsurfing song a cappella. lt is my
offering to the gods, New Age surf music
Becky hears me singing and insists о
troducing us that night to David and
Melinda, a couple from Sc.
sings background vocals on c 3
The day before, while exploring a -400-foot
cavern filled with sta he sat Melin
da down by a pool of clear water and
ked round her in a circle, singing all
four parts of My Girl.

"hat night, м

re archacologists playing

h shards of pop culture. We sing street
Little

Smokey
‘The

e of a

ner doo-wop, Feat,
Robinson, John Pı Де Lovett
m to form the

163

The new late night TV
show with high-energy

sizzle that will soar you
into the 9О5 and beyond,
After Hours. A breakneck roller
coaster ride in and around who's
hot, what's what and where it's
happening, So tune in Mondays
thru Fridays and have a good night.

CHECK YOUR LOCAL TV LISTINGS
FOR TIME AND STATION IN YOUR AREA.

STEVE CONWAY

EYE

very so often, eyewear enjoys a fashion renaissance.
And this is the year. In fact, eyeglasses for men are so
hot that even guys with 20/20 vision are wearing
"planos"—frames with clear lenses. When choosing a
look, remember that opposites attract. If you have a round
face, go for square glasses. A square or anguler face calls for

Below: It’s a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Clark Kent glasses in black
plastic, with square frames, silver temple and flexible bridge, by Per-
sol, about $100. Right: Demi-amber tortoise rectangular glasses
with plastic frame and temple, by Alain Mikli, $165. Antique-copper
glasses with circular lenses, extended sides and straight-armed
banker's temples, from Junior Gaultier by Optical Affairs, $110.

SPY

round or curvy frames. But whatever you choose, the rage
these days is 1920 styles. A pair of round or semiround wire
rims or contrasting yellow-and-black tortoise frames make a
strong style statement on the right man. And speaking of
strong, the Clark Kent look—a heavy black or tortoise
frame—is an appealing style for men of steel everywhere.

Left: Matte-tortoise frames with gold-tone-metal brow extension
and gold accents, by Giorgio Armani from Optical Exchange, about
$190. Handmade tortoise, metal and plastic glasses with a plastic
brow and arms and a metal rim, by Sanford Hutton for Colors in
Optics, $60. Above: Faux-tortoise glasses with clip-on sunglass
lenses, etched bridge, outer rim and arms, by Oliver Peoples, $275.

165

15 There a Doctor
in the House?

Attention, nurses: Please don’t
write us testy letters. Actress
MARY LEE ANDRES plays a
nurse in Beverly Hills Vamp (as
in vampire), starring Britt Ek-
land. Will Mary Lee be avail-
able with tea and sympathy if
we get sick this winter?

GRAPEVINE

5 D.A.D. Is H.O.T.

m D.A.D. hails from Copenhagen. The band just finished an American club
tour, but you'll be able to find it on vinyl on its American debut album, No
Fuel Left for the Pilgrims. “Rock and roll is cartoonish and we want to
keep it that way,” says D.A.D.

She Feels the Earth Move

MARTIKA's cover version of an old Carole
King tune I Feel the Earth Move was all
over the radio last fall. She's currently
working on a new album, and if you
are in Miami in March, catch her
at Calle Ocho, a Latin musical

salute to spring Оё!

PAUL NATKIN/PHOTO RESERVE INC

Russell’s Got
Muscle

BRENDA RUSSELUS
songs have been sung
by Roberta Flack and
Donna Summer. But
when Brenda sings her
‘own on Get Here, you
can really hear their
power. She's cook-
ing up a new
album.

STEVE STEVENS'
guitar work has been
heard everywhere
from Billy Idol's
albums to the Top
Gun sound track to
Ric Ocasek's solo
1P. Now on his own
record, Steve Stevens
| Atomic Playboys, the i
guitar whiz wails,

PAUL NATKIN
PHOTO RESERVE INC.

lights, - Р 4
Сатега,

Action!
Doesn't every actress
dream of being
wrapped іп celluloid?

A Rose Is a Rose Is a Rose LISA SAXTON certainly
d to get ош

Every day, Guns n’ Roses’ AXL ROSE fights con- MEE get.
troversy and makes music. He says what he likes ae Ш нен j
evenif no one else likes to hear it. The band had een
four heady days in October opening for the Opening им; coe
Stones in L.A. and is now working on a follow-up your eier ed шырк
album to Appetite for Destruction. These guys are bei pora
100 sawy to destruct. RC

waits for

the real

thing.

OH! OH! OLIVIA

gazine need no introduction to the sensuous artwork of

a prolific California artist who has illustrated

ith depictions of the female form. Now Speci

of Playboy Enterprises, and Robert Bane Editions

uous-tone limited-edition lithographs. The one at

y Night Live. The
5

Rez
Olivia De Berard
features for Playboy
tions Ltd.
are offering two cont
left is titled Friday Night at the Movies; at right, Saturda
137 works of art can be purchased se on for

sel
catalog to Robert Bane Editions, 8095 Melrose Avenue, Los Angeles 90046.

HOW VERY STRANGE

Strange Magazine has initiated
nge Hotline, which can
be reached by anyone with a
touch-tone phone and dollars
to spend on extra charges.

hal 900-820-UFOI and by
g the ı button, you'll be
able to hear the Strange Story
for that day, such as the latest.
alien sightings. Press the 2 but-
ton and you can hear the
Strange News. Press sand you
can leave a message about
nge experience you had
Press 4 and you can hear other
s' messages. We'll bet

POTPOURRI]

FLIK FLAK

Know someone celebrating one of those
biggie anniversaries or birthdays such as
the big 4-0? Instead of gifting him with a
draped in black, check out Flik-
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newsreel footage from 1930 (60-year сей
1940, 0 and 1965.
The price lora Flik Bak is $19.75, post-
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your favorite year in the mail pronto.

LEI HERE BE LIGHT YEARS

For 30 years, Douglas Kirkland has cap-
tured on film the с of some of the
world’s most beautiful women—Bardot,
Monroe and Taylor, to name just a few.
And his photos of male stars—incl
icholson, Welles, Wayne and
are just as revealing. Now Thames and
Hudson has published Light Years, an
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photographs of Kirkland's behind-the-
lens encounters with the very rich and fa-
mous. At only $45, Light Y s
tribute to one of the most talented pho-
tographers of our time.

THE LONESOME ROAD

Going Solo, an eight-page
newsletter for people traveling
alone, debuted not long ago
and it definitely contains a
wealth of information for the
peripatetic man or woman of
the world who wanders t
long and winding road from

ELECTRONIC SURF'S U!

In the cocktail lounges of Southern California,
everybody's hanging ten—and, no, we're not talk-
ing about swizzle sticks dangling off the bar. Ur-
ban Surfin’ has come ashore and this new video
game incorporates a five-foot surfboard wired to
a video screen. As you catch an electronic wave,

the animated surfer on the screen reacts, dupl
cating your body English. Scribner Enterprises in
Santa Ana (800-999-GAME) sells the game for

Addis Ababa to Zamboang:
Recent issues cover sailboating

off the coast of Maine, working

опа Montana ranch and ex- |

ploring the Hebrides. Going

Solo is published eight times a

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$2595, in case your surf—and stocks—is up.

. ALEXANDRIA *

t EGYPT: METZGER

AS THE SPIRITS MOVE YOU

Not all the pleasure of fine vinos and liquors is to
be found in the glass. A Toast to Wines & Spirits,
an 11" x 16" softcover that sells for $19.95, contains
45 illustrations (25 in full color) that capture the
essence of the golden age of poster art. Satyrs,
Devils, beautiful ladies and even the dashing
Sandeman Don all await your thirsty eyes. Harry
N. Abrams is the publisher. Better buy two; you'll
want to cut up one for framing.

OFF THE LABEL, MABEL, WE’RE GOING HOME

Luggage labels have returned and King and Country, a British an-
tique shop that specializes in “the finest antique sports and travel
equipment,” is offering a selection of five reproductions for only
$15, postpaid, King and Country's address is Alfies Market, 19
Church Street, London NW8, England. A handsome way to go.

—
SACK TIME

“You're in bed and your lover
comes out of bathroo
with rubber gloves and a surgi-
cal mask. How do you re-
ond?” is just one of the
Situation Cards that you can
pick in Hit the Sack
game of dra
for adults that O.
Inc., PO. Box 6668, Ly

wood, Washington 98036, is
selling for $29.95, postpaid
Creator Jack Olson says that
game play can range from
"mildly erotic to real down and
dirty,” depending on who's
playing and the mood every-
one's in. Hit the Sack is a board
game—but once you
you definitely won't be bored.

NEXT MONTH

WORLDLY PLAYMATES

FAX FIGURES

“EXES”—A NEWLY DIVORCED, MIDDLE-AGED POLICE
SHRINK FROM BROOKLYN THINKS HE'S TOO OLD FOR
SURPRISES. THEN HE MEETS A CERTAIN BLONDE
BOMESHELL—EXCERPTED FROM A NEW NOVEL BY
DAN GREENBURG

TRUMP CARD—THE ONE AND ONLY DONALD TRUMP
ON HIS BUSINESSES, HIS BUILDINGS, HIS BILLIONS
AND ALL THE GLITZ THAT MONEY CAN BUY. THE MAN
WHO WOULD BE KING TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCH IS
ENOUGH, GREED AND HIS BEST DEAL EVER IN A HIGH-
POWERED PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

“WHY MEN CAN'T SAY “1 LOVE YOU'"—THERE MAY ВЕ
AS MANY MOTIVES AS THERE ARE MEN. HERE ARE TEN
VERY FUNNY ANSWERS TO THIS MYSTERIOUS QUES-
TION—BY ALICE KAHN

"ROCK AND RACISM"—A BEHIND-THE-STAGE VIEW ОҒ
APARTHEID IN AMERICA'S MUSIC BUSINESS—BY DAVE
MARSH

"INTERNATIONAL PLAYMATES”—FORGET ABOUT
CUSTOMS, JET LAG AND THE HASSLE OF LUGGAGE.
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR SPECIAL FARE FOR ARN-
CHAIR TRAVELERS AND JOURNEY AROUND THE

WORLD WITH THE CENTERFOLDS FROM PLAYBOY'S
OVERSEAS EDITIONS

“PARADISE CON PELIGRO”—JOIN A PLAYBOY CON-
TRIBUTING EDITOR ON A MADCAP ROMP AS HE LOOKS
FOR BEACH-FRONT PROPERTY AMONG THE COCO-
NUTS AND PALM TREES IN SUNNY COSTA RICA—BY
REG POTTERTON

“PLAYBOY CARS 1990"—A PANEL OF AUTO EXPERTS
PREVIEW WHAT'S NEW FOR THE DECADE OF THE
DRIVER

“FAX AND FIGURES"—WE INVITED THE WOMEN OF
AMERICA TO PHONE iN THEIR PHOTOS. WE WERE
OVERWHELMED. YOU WILL BE, TOO

“JERRY JONES”—THE DALLAS COWBOYS NEW OWN-
ER GETS TO KNOW HIS TEAM IN ITS WORST SEASON
EVER—A PROFILE BY JAMES MORGAN

PLUS: THE LATEST IN CELLULAR PHONES, ELEC-
TRONIC PAGERS AND FAX MACHINES DESIGNED TO
KEEP YOU IN TOUCH; WHAT'S NEW IN SHIRTS AND
TIES BY HOLLIS WAYNE; “20 QUESTIONS" WITH EASY
RIDER DENNIS HOPPER ON HIS BUMPY ROAD TO
SUCCESS; AND MUCH, MUCH MORE

That’s right. It’s back!
The blowout of bowl games. The
biggest thing since twist-off caps.

It’s Bud Bowl" II.

With Budweiser” battling Bud
Light* for the championship of the
world. Of course, for Bud Light
something more is at stake.

Revenge!
They’ve had
a whole year to
N think about their
М loss to Budweiser
in Bud Bowl I.
You can bet Bud
Light will press
their patented aerial
= attack with the same
relentless fury that’s shredded 16
different defenses this year.

Budweiser y
will be defending
their champion-
ship doing what
they do best:
running the ball |
right at Bud Light's
defense. y

One thing's for certain. On
January 28th these two teams will
square off in the biggest battle in
the history of football. And this
time it could get ugly. Because this
time it’s war!

YOU RE

That's right.
You can play along
at home. And win!

Just pick up
an official pro-
gram and score-
card wherever

you see this
display. You'll
also find out.
about the
prizes every-
body can win.

"Then, follow the action on
game day. Jot down the scores at
the end of each quarter, send it in
and you're automatically a winner.
It's that simple.

Your programs also loaded with
player profiles, stats and details on
how to order your official Bud Bowl

IIsouvenirs.So
get your official
Bud Bowl II
program today.
And dont forget
| 4 to pick up some
us ice-cold Bud
and Bud Light for the weekend!

WATCH BUD BOWL II,
JANUARY 28 ON CBS. ®

сөө ANELSERBLSCH өс өп (ола UO-BAEWERS OF SUI AHO BVO ите BEER

її mg. "tar", 0.7 mg, nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

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