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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN

DONALD Want to sei?
TRUMP
INTERVIEW

ROCK AND
RACISM

Has the dark
side taken over
pop music?

FAX 'N' FIGURES
Sex comes
to the
electronic
office

CARS 1990
We pick the
hottest,
sharpest,
sexiest

WORLD-CLASS
PLAYMATES FROM
OUR FAR-FLUNG EMPIRE

о "300955

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PLAYBILL

THE NAME Donald Trump conjures up what the Eighties were all
about: deal making, ostentation, fabulous wealth. Now that we're
safely into the Nineties, we decided to check in with the man
whose name is plastered all over the Eastern Seaboard (and now
on our cover). Glenn Plaskin hounded the great negotiator for four
months to produce a feisty Playboy Interview,

While we're on the subject of Eighties icons, regard the indis-
pensable fax machine: speedy of transmission, vital to com-
merce. Managing Photo Editor Jeff Cohen was so taken with the
technology that he invited like-minded women to fax us their
photos, The result is Fax and Figures, shot by Senior Staff Photog-
rapher Pompeo Poser. After you see those hot transmissions, check
out Are You Sure S. Bull Has an Unlisted Number?, Dawn Gordon’
collection of fax machines and other communications gadgets
Hope your receptions are as good as ours.

The Super Bowl is over and football has gone back into hiber-
nation. One guy who has his work cut out for him before the next
Kickoff is Jerry Jones, who's coming off his first dismal season as
owner of the Dallas Cowboys, the erstwhile “America’s team.”
For Jerry Jones Does Dallas, former Articles Editor James Morgan
hung around the losers’ locker room and executive suite to
chronicle the struggle. Herbert Davidson painted Jones's likene:

Geoffrey Norman, another ex—Articles Editor, also touches on
subpar performance. But unlike Cowboys fans, he's in favor ol
In Did Winston Churchill Pump Iron? he argues that fitness can
be boring. Arnold Roth contributed the illustration.

It seems like just a moment or two ago that we were all holding
hands and singing We Are the World. Now such loudmouths as Axl
Rose of Guns п’ Roses and Public Enemy's Professor Griff are pollut-
ing the music world with bigotry. Playboy music reviewer Deve
Marsh tackles that harsh reality in Rocking Racism. When James
Brown got wind of Marsh's project, he phoned in from prison to
add a few choice comments.

"This time of year, we're all susceptible to the lure of warm
climes. That's what drove Contributing Editor Reg Potterton into
Big Deal in Paradise (illustrated by Braldt Brolds). Potterton was
sorely tempted by the offer of beach-front property in Costa
Rica, but upon arrival, he found hundreds of miles of bad roads,
dead monkeys, mucho peligro and one hell of a funny story.

Dangerous dealings of another kind are the subject of Alice
Kahn's Why Guys Can't Say “I Love You.” According to Kahn,
whose San Francisco Chronicle columns are collected in the book
Luncheon at the Cafe Ridiculous, saying “I love you" is to men
what putting out is to women. But nowhere nearly as much fui

Dan Greenburg, too, has been charting negotiations between
men and women. In Exes, from his novel to be published by
Houghton Mifflin, our longtime contributor listens in as a pair of
cops scope out criminal suspects and the women in their lives.

Nobody has seen more hard travel than 20 Questions subject.
Dennis Hopper the director and star of Easy Rider. He has been
cheated by women, nearly destroyed by booze and drugs, aban-
doned for dead by Hollywood—and still he survives. Contribut-
ing Editor David Rensin asks about Hopper's terrifying comeback
in Blue Velvet and his latest directorial effort, The Hotspot, which
he describes as a kind of Last Tango in Texas. (Hide the butter!)
Normen Seeff shot the accompanying portrait.

Now that the new car models have hit the road, you may be
looking for alittle guidance on the class of 1990. We've assembled
a top-notch team of automotive writers to give you exactly that in
Decade of the Driver. Before you accelerate into the showroom,
park awhile with us.

If you want to approach March Playmate Deborah Driggs, hop
onto an alternate mode of transportation. The passionate Miss
Driggs goes for men on motorcycles—preferably Harleys. If that
seems too dangerous, book yourself on Playboys World Tour "90.
featuring 26 beauties brought to you courtesy of Playboy's over-
seas editions. We guarantee it'll raise your interest in foreign rela-
tions. Bon voyage!

POSAR

FLASKIN

DAVIDSON

MARSH

RENSIN SEEFF

ME US. $26 Fon ш

PLAYBOY

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ma non-alcohohe brew
The taste break-
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Most non-alcoholic
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Unfortunately so is a good
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Sharp’, on the other
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During brewing, the
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is minimized. What is 15 pro-
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Try Miller Sharps.
The breakthrough taste
that lets you keebyouredge

PLAYBOY

vol. 37, no. 3—march 1990 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL . 1
DEAR PLAYBOY 7
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS... HAE A
SPORTS... . «DAN JENKINS 32
MEN.. 33 \
WOMEN СУМА HEIMEL, 34 um
THE |PLAYBOY/ADVISOR ое T 371 Worldly Women F. 128
THEIPUAYEGYIFORUM ООС ОА ОООО О ООО 41 S
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK:
FREEDOM TO BURN—opinion ............................ ROBERT SCHEER 51
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DONALD TRUMP—candid conversation 55
ROCKING ВСЕМ анна. .................... ............. DAVE MARSH 74
FAX AND FIGURES— pictorial.. sees 78
EXES— fiction. ... DANGREENBURG 86 EE

TOP-DRAWER SHIRTS & TIES— fashion . .
DID WINSTON CHURCHILL PUMP IRON?—article .
‚ARE YOU SURE 5. BULL

...... HOLLIS WAYNE B9
.. GEOFFREY NORMAN 94

HAS AN UNLISTED NUMBER?—modern living ...........DAWNGORDON 96
WHY GUYS CANT SAY ”1 LOVE YOU"—opinien. ................. ALICE KAHN 9B
DARING DEBORAH—playboy's playmate of the month...................... 102
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor TOURAN CAS eo 114
BIG DEAL IN PARADISE—article + ee .. REG POTTERTON 116
DECADE OF THE DRIVER—moder living. ... KEN GROSS and DAVID STEVENS 119
JERRY JONES DOES DALLAS playboy profile .............. JAMES MORGAN 126
PLAYBOY'S WORLD TOUR '90— pictoricl. 128
20 QUESTIONS: DENNIS HOPPER. . 140
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 173

Meon Machines

COVER STORY

Donald Trump links up with Playmate Brandi Brandt in a cover designed
by Art Director Tom Staebler, produced by Associate Photo Editor Michael
Ann Sullivan, styled by Lee Ann Perry and shot by Contributing Photog-
ropher Stephen Woyda. Thanks to John Victor for Brandi’s hair, Pot Tomlin-
son for make-up and Sara Booth at Fragments in New York for earrings.
Donald's jacket is from Giorgio Armani for Bigsby & Kruthers in Chicago.

Я od urn ro mereme, ne MATERIAL ALL танта m LETTERS ano

[MOLL WO00, YOSHIRO TATSURE P. 133 CARLOS LUNGHE
ou MERA MOCCH//R LS: P, 197 ROCCHURIS: :

J&B Scotch Whisky. Blended and bottled in Scotland by Justerini & Brooks, line wine and spirit merchants since 1749,
To send a gift of J&B anywhere in the US, call 1-800-528-6148. Void where prohibited.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial direclor
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
ТОМ STAEBLER ar! director
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL
ARTICLES: JOHN REZEK editor; PETER MOORE asso
ciate editor; FICTION: ALICE K. TURNER editor;
MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS senior edi-
lor; PHILLIP COOPER, ED WALKER associate editors;
FORUM: TERESA GROSCH associate editor; WEST
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCH-
EN EDGREN senior edilor; JAMES R. PETERSEN
senior staff writer; BRUCE KLUGER, BARBARA NELLIS,
KATE NOLAN associate editors; JOHN LUSK traffic
coordinator; FASHION: HOLLIS wayne editor;
WENDY GRAY assislami editor; CARTOONS:
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS
editor; LAURIE ROGERS assistant editor; NARY ZION
senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, CAROLYN BROWNE,
BARI NASH, REMA SMITH, DEBORAH WEISS research-
ers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BARER.
DENIS BOYLES, KEVIN COOK, LAURENCE GONZALES
LAWRENCE GROBEL CYNTHIA HEIMEL WILLIAM J
HELMER. DAN JENKINS, WALTER LOWE. JR. D. RETO
MANO, REG POTTERTON, DAVID RENSIN. RICHARD
RHODES, DAVID ЗНЕРЕ DAVID STANDISH. BRUCE
WILLIAMSON (movies). SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER

ART

KERIG rope managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN associate di-
Tector; JOSEPH PACZEK. ERIC SHROPSHIRE assistant
тесілу KRISTIN SAGERSIROM junior director;
ANN SEIDL senior keyline and paste-up artist; BILL
BENWAY, PAUL CHAN art assistants; BARBARA HOFF-
MAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN
managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON,
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate edilors; PATTY
BEAUDET assistant editor; РОМЕРО rOSAR senior
staff photographer: STEVE CONWAW assistant pholog-
ropher; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY
FREYTAG, RICHARD КАЛ, DAVID MECEY. BYRON
NEWMAN, STEPHEN WAYDA. contributing photogra-
hers; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; STEVE LEVITT color
lob supervisor; JOHN coss business manager

MICHAEL PERLIS publisher
JAMES SPANFELLER associate publisher

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
RITA JOHNSON assistant. manager; JODY JURGETO.
RICHARD QUARTAROLL CARRIE HOCKNEY assidanits

CIRCULATION

BARBARA GUTMAN subscription circulation direc-
lor; ROBERT O'DONNELL retail marketing and sales
director; STEVE M. COHEN communications director

ADVERTISING
JAMES |. ARCHAMBAULT, JR.. JEFFREY D. MORGAN 4550.
ciate ad directors; STEVE MEISNER midwest man-
ager; JOHN PEASLEY пеш york sales director

READER SERVICE,

CYNTHIA LACEVSIKICH manager; LINDA STROM
NIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE

EILEEN KENT editorial services manager; MARCIA
tennones rights ÉS permissions administrator

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer

The power of Japan’s legendary
warrior captured in gold,
porcelain and pewter.

He lived by the sword. And devoted his
entire being to defending the honor of
the Shogun. And now the Samurai war-
tior is brought dramatically to life by
the gifted artist Sum Nakamura.

An exhilarating portrayal. Crafted in
fine porcelain and painted by hand to
capture every dramatic detail. From
the faithful reproduction of the o-voroi
style armor to the authentic depiction
of the awesome tachi sword hand-cast
in fine pewter, protectively plated and
polished to a shimmering glow. 22:

The warrior's breastplate, am
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The price of $295 is payable in
monthly installments and includes a
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SAMURAI: DEFENDER OF THE SHÖGUN
shown much smaller than actual size of
11” in height, including hardwood base.

Please mail by March 31, 1990.
The Franklin Mint
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Call the Playboy Hotline

-900- 740-3311

Make the
pages come

alıve....

Be instantly on-line with the wisdom and
humor of PLAYBOY.

And find out how you can receive an
autographed photo of this month’s
Playmate—FREE!

PLAYMATE ON-THE-AIR Y

Now you can hear Miss March, Deborah Driggs, bring
her Data Sheet to life as she reveals her turn-ons and her
turn-offs. Her ideal man and her ideal date. And more.
Do you have a Playmate question? Record it, and Deborah
may answer it on the hotline.

THE PARTY JOKE LINE
It's a red-hot comedy club with you as our special guest.
Laugh along as your Playmate hostess and PLAYBOY's
jokesters tickle your funny bone! Or record your own
joke and earn $10 if it is selected to be aired on
"The Playboy Party Joke Line.

PLAYBOY ADVISOR-ON-THE-AIR Y

Our fanciful facts and intimate insights are only a phone call
away. Listen in as PLAYBOY 's Playmates present our expert
advice on readers' questions. Or record a message of your
own that may be played on our national hotline.

THE PLAYBOY MAILBOX

Make your voice heard by recording an audio letter to
PLAYBOY. Share your views on past issues or current
trends. The women of PLAYBOY, music, sports and
topics for future articles. Call and let us know what
you really think!

CALL THE PLAYBOY HOTLINE
Hear the best from the pages of PLAYBOY and share your
best with us on our interactive hotline.

1-900-740-3311

A product of Playboy Enterprises, Inc. Only $2 a minute.

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE
680 NORTH LAKE SHORE ORIVE
CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 60611

CRUTCHFIELD

CANDICE BERGEN

In the December Playboy Interview,
Candice Bergen implies that Shriners dor't
behave like adults—that they yell, scream
and sing like assholes.

She should know that for every Shriner
who acts a fool at conventions, there are
thousands who are upright, conservative
citizens who dedicate much of their con-
cern to helping crippled children.

Robert E. Howell
Emlenton, Pennsylvania

The cover of your December Gala
Christmas Issue is the most spectacular
ever. If I hadn't known Candice Bergen
existed, I would have believed that some-
how you had faked it. Whata great Ameri-
can beauty!

lic inter view with Bergen is also great.
The only other interview that may rival itis
the one with Joan Rivers (November 1986).

Congratulations to Playboy and all those
responsible for the cover—keep up the su-
perior work.

Blair E. Hawkins

San Diego, California

TAPE MEASURE?

I'm surprised by the lack of accuracy in
your December issue. On page 96, Karen
Mayo-Chandler's vital statistics are listed
as 36-23-34. Only a few pages away on
Playmate of the Month Petra Verkaik's

Data Sheet, her measurements are given as
trick photography,
en hearsay or careless ap-
proximation? Even the casual observer can
see there's more than an inch difference
between these two lovely ladies,

Steven Whiting

Bellflower, California

Thanks for giving us an excuse to get out

our tape measure. Our numbers are accurate.
You probably failed to notice that Petra has an
unusually narrow back.

HOTTER THAN HALL

"Thanks for Steve Pond's profile Hotter
than Hall (Playboy, December). Arsenio
has proved that he is no run-of-the-mill
talk-show host. He's the state of the art.

The fact that he questioned Spike Lee in
so straightforward a mann һ no ргс-
text of ass kissing, proves that Hall is a
unique personality. I cannot envision Car-
son, Letterman or Sajak having the balls to
question a guest such as Lee the way Hall
did.

Jam somewhat concerned by the rumor
that Arsenio is “afraid of upsetting the
white establishment.” Mr. Hall, you are
unique: Go with your inner feelings and
let the establishment (whatever color or
race) be damned! You're too good to worry
about trivial things . . . roof, roof!

Jane Marsh
Williamsburg, Virginia

WILLIE HORTON

I count myself among the many who
were angered and disappointed at the
Bush campaign tactics of using the Willie
Horton furlough issue against Michael
Dukakis. Dr. Jeffrey М. Elliot's interview, A
Few Words from . . . Willie Horton (Playboy,
December), has given me the opportunity
to hear from the other side—and it's down-
right scary!

In spite of the obvious contradictions in
his statements, Horton claims, “I'm not
trying to bullshit anybody" Give us a
break! The odds are Horton will find a way
10 screw up and hurt someone if he is ever
again part of a lax furlough program. 1

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PLAYBOY

trust that the state of Maryland will keep a
good watch over Willie—hes definitely
one of the bad guys!
James С. Grant
Dallas, ‘Texas

Dr. Jeffrey M. Elliots A Few Words
Пот... Willie Horton demonstrates that

human realities are much more complex

than politicians would have us believe. Dr.
Elliot asks Horton the hard questio
vealing that Horton, guilty or innocent, is
a symptom of knotted problems. Sadly,
politicians can find no other use for his
dithcult hte than to get themselves elected.
George Zebrowski
Johnson City, New York

CYNTHIA'S COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Cynthia Heimel really ticks me off. Like
most women, she wants it her way. Women
have always complained about mens being
after their bodies, and now that we aren't,
they complain about that. Women here in
Seattle are the same.

If women want to make one change to-
ward equality, they can work at being less
passive. In her December Women column
(“Snow Job"), Heimel waits for the guy to
call, lets him set plans for the date and
waits for him to define the situation.

I am a therapist who deals with violent
people, both men and women. This form
of complaining is uniquely a woman's style
of violence, and I experience Heimel's
whining as emotional violence.

Paul Shaner
Seattle, Washington.

MANET'S HGHTING WORDS

I have a problem with David Mamet's ob-
servation that "any attempt to interpret the
Second Amendment must inevitably lead
to the destruction of this freedom to bear
arms" (Fighting Words, Playboy, Decem-
ber). Could the founding fathers' notion of
arms possibly have included poison gas,
toxic chemicals or genetically engineered
lethal viruses that could be dropped from

supersonic aircraft or fired from mobile
artillery? The logical extension of an
uninterpreted Second Amendment would
seem to include, as its ultimate expression,
“The right of the people to keep and bear
[nuclear] arms shall not be infringed.”

It is my understanding that the found-
ing fathers, in their foresight and wisdom,
knew that they could not write a document
of absolutes, and that no document could
correctly encompass the proper disposi-
tion of all eventualities for all time.

Patrick E. Heintz
Agawam, Massachusetts

Im going to pay David Mamet the
highest tribute I can. Mamet, I've changed
my mind.

Lam a member of the American Civil
Liberties Union and a professional jour-
nalist, and I am fully prepared to defend
smut to protect the freedom of the press.
And although I often carry a handgun (le-
gally), I have supported bans on assault
rifles and such.

I had never before seen the contradic-
tion in these positions. I'm not ready to run
outand join the National Rifle Association,
and I still favor a mandatory waiting peri-
od for the purchase of a gun. Even a lu-
natic cant do much long-term damage
with a pen or a printing press.

But I have a new respect for the N.R.A.
For the first time, I understand its position,
and it makes sense.

Stanley D. Miller
Indianapolis, Indiana

WALL STREET BONUS

For some time now, I've been meaning to
thank you for giving mc the opportunity.
1o pose for such a wonderful enterprise as
Playboy! Being a part of Women of Wall
Street (Playboy, August) has truly been one
of the best experiences of my life. Months
after its publication, I'm still receiving
phone calls to do talk shows, game shows
and, I hope, in time, something more per-
manent. I'm presently taking acting classes
and voice lessons, just in case. Playboy has
been a tremendous steppingstone for me.
1 couldnt have taken anyone up on a bet-
ter offer!

Robin S. Mormelo
Westfield, New Jersey

JENKINS ON SMOKERS
Td like to thank Dan Jenkins for his
Sports column “Stalking the Smoking
Loon" in your December issue. It's encour-
aging to know that other tant smokers
are fighting back (the extent of my offen-
sive is placing SMOKING PERMITTED Signs
wherever I can). I have always been a cour-
teous smoker, but my capacity for courtesy
is inversely proportionate to the unreason-
ableness of nonsmokers' demands.
Jeananne 1. Robertson
‘Toronto, Ontario

As а nonsmoker, I know I can be easily
annoyed by tobacco smoke. Yes, I have

asked smokers to snuff it before entering
an elevator with me (and some of them
have flat-out refused). Yes, I have changed
seats in a restaurant because the ability to
taste my food was being eroded by tobacco
smoke wafting my way. Yes, I applaud re-
cent decisions limiting or eliminating
smoking on flights and in public places.
However, | have never behaved like or

met anyone like the loon in Jenkins’ piece.
He is clearly a creature of fiction.

Robin Weitz

Los Angeles, California

WRESTLING WOMEN
Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, or
GLOW, takes a lot of pride in the ladies fea-
tured in your December Lethal Women pic-
torial, and I was glad to see Playboy take
the time and the space to allow them to
show off both their professional wrestling
talents and their beauty
Bill Wolfe, Director
‘Tour Operations and
Special Live Events
GLOW, Inc.
Carteret, New Jersey

I would like to volunteer for Belinda En-
dress’ famous pretzel hold. Just name the
place and the time.

Roland Martinez
San Antonio, Texas

We're overwhelmed with volunteers, Ro-

land, but we'll put your name on the list.

PHONE SNAFU

Playboys Playmate Review, in your Janu-
ary issue, lists telephone numbers that
readers can call to express their prefer-
ence about who should be Playmate of the
Year. I tried to get through on six occa-
sions, only to get a recording telling me my
call could not be completed. I called the
operator and she wasn't able to help.

I am intrigued by Karen Foster (Octo-
ber 1989) and would like to add my voice
to her selection as Playmate of the Year. If 1
had been able to get through on the phone,
I would have called at least three times for
this beautiful young lady.

Richard E. Bergquist
Litchfield, Connecticut

You encountered the great Playmate of the
Year phone foul-up. We published the prefix
702 for all the Playmates instead of the cor-
rect 720. (Hef says that the editors concentra-
Lion must have been shattered by the beauty of
last years Playmates.) The problem was com-
pounded when the telephone-company com-
puters couldn't respond to the incorrect
numbers in a helpful way. We tried to get the
correct information out through a press re-
lease and a notice in our February issue. We
also extended the call-in period through Jan-
uary 20. Unfortunately, some readers never
got the word. Sorry for the inconvenience.
However, ring up three for Miss Foster.

PLAYBOY

The taste breaks thre ugh. =

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

PAO PAO TO THE PEOPLE

Pop-culture buffs say modern Japan
turns the Western world inside out, and
the recordings we've recently come across
by the three-woman Osaka bubble-gum-
punk band Shonen Knife go some distance
toward confirming the notion. Nacko Ya-
mano, Atsuko Yamano and Michie
Nakatini (on guitar, drums and bass,
respectively—they all sing and play key-
boards) have what might be called two-
track minds, which is to say they primarily
enjoy harmonizing about food (1 Wanna
Eat Chocobars and Ice Cream City) and ani-
mals (Elephant Pao Pao, Parrot Polynesia,
Banana Fish). Making Plans for Bison,
s to the tune of a ditty by art-poppers
XTC, fights for the survival of an "ug-ug-
ugly" endangered species that “has a right
to live, though he's ill-shaped"; and for a
change of pace, there's Twist Barbie (about
wanting to be a tall blonde) and Public
Bath (about clean living and eating more
ice cream after the hot tub).

The attitude is more innocent than rock
has been for ages. When we contacted the
trio, it faxed us a “message from Shonen
Knife” detailing its love for Janc Austen,
Astrud Gilberto, noodles, raw fish and
“watching sumo in breathless suspense.” A
tribute compilation of American garage-
band cover versions called Every Band Has
a Shonen Knife Who Loves Them in honor
of the 1984 Yoko Ono homage Every Man
Has a Woman Who Loves Him is already in
the works. Could mass Shonenmania be
far behind? We hope not.

BORDER BOARD

We have discovered a new board game
that, if nothing else, deserves points for so-
cial realism. It’s called Run for the Border
and its object is to make it to Los Angeles,
starting deep in the interior of Mexico. To
reach L.A., the player must evade such ob-
stacles as bribe-taking Mexican officals,
hungry snakes, unfriendly jails and
deserts. Then, on the U.S. side, there's the
Border Patrol.

We put the game to the test, once with
a 20-year Border Patrol veteran and again
with a fellow who had crossed illegally.

The retired border guard thought the
rules were a little hazy, but he admitted
that the rules for crossing into the US.
have always been a little murky in real
border towns, too. The illegal alien
thought the game didn’t allow for strategy
or cooperation among crossers and didn't
make the hardships tragic enough. He
wasn't too fond of the artwork, either—es-
pecially the nasty border guard who
snarls, “No papers??? Vamonos to the de-
portation station.”

GENE DREAMS

Scientists now believe that obesity is
caused by genetics. In fact, researchers
have identified an “obesity gene.” Next.
they'll isolate it and eradicate it. Boom—no
more lard! The new research has made us
think of other undesirable genes that we'd
like to see the scientists stamp out. Here's
our wish list:

‘The talking-to-the-screen gene: While
watching a movie, the carrier inherently
needs to make such observations as “Look
out!” and “Нез in trouble now!” and
“Dustin Hoffman is just like chat in real
life, too.” He must read aloud any word

that appears on the screen. And the gene
also guides him to the seat directly behind
you in a crowded theater.

Whistler's chromosome: This trait com-
pels the carrier to whistle dopey tunes in-
cessantly, especially Stairway to Heaven
and the theme from The Facts of Life.

"The smart-woman, stupid-choices gene:
Cher seems so bright. She has tons of
money and she looks great in chain mail.
So you have to ask: Sonny Bono? Gregg
Allman? That twentysomething bagel
guy? Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi? OK,
the jury’s still out on Bon Jovi.

The reallylarge-bosom gene: Think
of the drawbacks—underwear designed
by structural engineers, joggers nip-
ples, countless friends you never wanted
to meet. But maybe there are things
with which scientists shouldnt tinker.

GET RICH QUICK

Massive quantities of gold bars are sup-
posedly buried out in the wilds of New
Mexico, but you may have to dodge a mis-
sile or two to find the stuff, reportedly
buried under 400 feet of dirt, sand and
rock inan area the US. Army uses primar-
ily for missile launches or plane explosions.

According to rife rumor, a huge cavern
on the White Sands Missile Range is
stacked with gold. But for nascent treasure
seekers, there are some problems. First,
the Army has prohibited treasure hunts in
the area. Second, the search has been lim-
ited to a partnership set up by heirs of the
man who daims to have found the fortune.

The story began in 1937 when, says New
Mexico legend, Milton “Doc” Noss ducked
into a cavern to get out of the rain on Vic-
torio Peak near Alamogordo. The peak is
set in a bowlshaped valley, and Noss
claimed he walked into a cavern there and
found “gold bars stacked like cordwood”
and 27 skeletons chained to posts.

Noss later returned to dynamite a bigger
entrance but wound up caving in the shaft
and burying the loot instead. Unable to
unearth the treasure on his own, he per-
suaded ‘Texan Charles Ryan to invest in
the quest. Ryan became frustrated at the
lack of progress and, in a notable act of

RAW

т thi they
should knock it [the
Berlin Wall] down
and then we can sell
the chunks as sou-
venirs. We can wrap
them in plastic and
send them to Amer-
ica. Еҹе heard
Americans will buy
anything, and Fast
Germany certainly
needs the money"—
AN UNIDENTIFIED EAST
BERLINER in The New
York Times, November
12, 1989. (One week
Tater, 11,000 tons of
the wall arrived
at Chicago's O'Hare
Airport.)

Percentage of
American business
travelers who are
male, 61; of pleasure
travelers, 50.

.
Median income of an American busi-
ness traveler, $38,570; of a pleasure
traveler, $29410.
.
Average length of a business wip, 44
days; of a pleasure trip, 5.2 days.
.

Average distance of a business trip,
1370 miles; of a pleasure trip, 950
miles.

.
Percentage of American business
travelers who fly, 43; of pleasure travel-
ers, 19.
D
In a survey of 1500 Americans who
had taken a pleasure trip within the
past year, the percentage who had gone
to Europe: five.
.
Percentage who would have gone to
Europe if they had had “unlimited time
and money”: 33.

e.
Most sought-after European destina-
tion: Great Britai

.
Percentage who had traveled to
уай: four, Percentage who wanted to

FACT OF THE MONTH

‘The number of pounds of re-
cyclable materials an average
household generates in a
month: newspapers, 28; glass
containers, 173; tin cans, 6.8;
cardboard, four.

DATA

travel to Hawaii: 25.
.
Percentage who
had vacationed in
Florida, 21; in Califor-
nia, 15; in New York,
nine.

If they could vaca-
tion anywhere they
desired, percentage
who would go to Flor
ida, three; to Califor-
nia, three; to New
York, one.

WHO PAYS

Percentage of
American women
who write the checks
for the family’s bills,
61; of American men,
25. Percentage of
American couples
who share the respon-
sibility, ten.

IRRATIONAL FEARS

Percentage of Americans who believe
it is not possible to get AIDS from eat-
i a restaurant where the cook has
AIDS: 43. Percentage who wouldn't cat
at such a restaurant: 72.

WHOOPS

Percentage of American chemical ac-
cidents from 1982 to 1986 that oc-
curred in metropolitan areas: 73.

Metropolitan area with the largest
number of chemical accidents: Chicago
(54); metropolitan area with the second
largest number: Los Angeles-Long
Beach (16).

.
State with the largest number of

chemical ac Other spill-
prone states: Califor Louisiana,
Ohio and Texas.

WORKERS OF THE WORLD

Average hourly 1988 wage for pro-
duction workers in the United States,
$13.90; in Canada, $13.58; in Japan,
$13. in Taiwan, $2.71; in South Ko-
rea, $2.46; in West Germany, $18.07.

impatience, gunned him down in 1949.

Several unsuccessful attempts to re-
trieve the gold have been made since then,
and ground-penetrating radar actually
found a cavern at the base of the peak in
1977, Now New Mexico Congressman Joe
Skeen has attached a provision to the pro-
posed 300-billion-dollar Pentagon budget
legislation that would require the Army to
allow a search for the bullion.

‘The searchers would have to pay all
expenses, and the fate of any recovered
treasure would be decided by the courts,
which could take years or even decades.
Numerous parties have laid claim to the
treasure, including the Apache nation, a
group of airmen who say they saw the gold
in 1958 and, of course, the relatives of
poor old Noss.

Music man Sanborn.

"The guy hosts NBC's Night Music, plays
saxophone with most of his guests, records
solo albums, tours, does session work and 15
a semiregular with Paul Shaffer and the
World’s Most Dangerous Band on Late
Night with David Letterman. David Sanborn
is possibly the most widely heard saxo-
phone player in the country.

Night Music takes up most of his time. A
non-MTV approach to popular music, the
show is relaxed in mood yet intensely cre-
ative with its formula for breaking formu-
las. You might see Leonard Cohen backed
by Sonny Rollins, Ringo Starr and Herb
Alpert; Todd Rundgren and Taj Mahal
singing Gilbert and Sullivan; or Sam
Moore backed by Squeeze and Ashford &
Simpson on Higher and Higher.

“It's the cosmic factor," says Sanborn of
the magic moments that occur on every
show, crediting most of them to the whim-
sy of musical producer Hal Willner. “Last
year, we put all the names of the musicians
we admired ona big board and just started
combining them. Hal calls it drawing a
mustache on the Mona Lisa.”

In its second year of syndication, Night
Musics seemingly boundless success has
forced a name change. Last year, it was
called Michelob Presents Sunday Night, but
the syndicators wanted the option of airing
it at other times, so now it’s Michelob Pre-
sents Night Music. Listen for it.

ЕЛЕ BIRD)

Arin Û with a rugged heritage.

Enlarged to show дей.

Firebird, the mythical spirit
of power and strength. Ma-
jestic sovereign of the skies.
Artfully re-created by Ben
Nighthorse, award-winning
designer of American Indian
jewelry. And crafted in gen-
uine native American materi-
ais. Solid sterling silver set
with bold turquoise.
Authentic art from the rug-
ged Southwest...to wear any-
time...anywhere.

Priced at $275. Only from
The Franklin Mint.

Sterling Silver and Turquoise. A Ring by Ben Nighthorse.

The Franklin Mint
Special Order Dept. - Franklin Center, PA 19091

1 is required now. Bill me in five equal
monthly installments of $55.* each, with the first pay-
ment due prior to shipment.

83 for shipping ene ват,

‘SIGNATURE
ALLORDERS ARE SUBJECT TO ACCEPTANCE

Solid sterling.
set with boldturquoise.

mail by March 31, 1990.

MB/MRS/MISS.

ADDRESS
cm
ЗЕР
12860-40

To assure aproper ill be sentio you prior w shipment
of your ring. Correct fit is ved. Ifthe ring does not fit when
you receive it, ou may return it for replacement at our cost

ByBRUCE WILLIAMSON

MATTHEW BRODERICK proves himself too
lightweight an actor to carry, in Glory (Tri-
Star), a film so top-heavy with noble inten-
tions. Denzel Washington and Morgan
Freeman, both superb, play black soldiers
recruited for the 54th Massachusetts regi-
mentin the Civil War, with Cary Elwes very
fine as the white second-in-command. But
you won't believe for a moment that any of
them would follow Broderick's boyish, cal-
low commander into the jaws of death.
Based on the true exploits of the first black
Army unit raised in the North to fight for
the Union, Glory is explicitly gory,
spectacular battle scenes. It is also a fairly
ive hosanna to black pride, full of
overstuffed heroics and heavenly choirs
against a symphonic sound track that
seems 10 suggest that a full orchestra
might turn back the rebels. Director Ed-
ward Zwick, who also co-created TV's
thirtysomething, cannot be faulted for
thinking small. ¥¥

Ron Silver milks both honey and hem-
lock from a major role in Enemies, a Love
Story (Fox), based on the bittersweet novel
by Isaac Bashevis Singer. Jewish refugecs
in New York back in 1949 are the unusual
protagonists of producer-director Paul
Mazurskys warm, compelling romantic
comedy (adapted in collaboration with
Roger L. Simon). These Holocaust sur-
vivors live in the present, loving and lust-
ing and grabbing what they can get in
order to erase the past. Silver play
man, a ghostwriter unable to make deci-
ins and unable to say no to
three women he m
plays his first wife, supposedly dead, who
reappears to muddle his relationships with
the Polish wife (Margaret Sophie Stein)
who saved his life in Europe and the sultry
mistress (Sweden's Lena Olin, who bright-
encd up The Unbearable Lightness of Being)
he also weds because she's pregnant. Her-
man’s yarious mates reside in Coney Is-
land, Manhattan and the Bronx. Amid
glowing local color just right for the peri-
od, Mazursky sets forth a tender modern
folk tale that ultimately hails the in-
domitability of women as well as the sexual
preoccupation of men. And the women in
this case—Huston and Olin in particu-
lar—embody guilty pleasures that any phi-
landerer might connive to keep. УУУУ?

Enthralling African epics of exploration
and adventure are all too rare in movies
since the original fictional King Solomon's
Mines decades ago. Mountains of the Moon
(Tri-Star) should fill the gap with jungle in-
trigue, excitement and truth. Based on the
actual exploits of Sir Richard Burton and
John Hanning Speke, a mismatched
mid-l9rh Century pair of Englishmen

Washington runs for Glory.

War movies, between
the states and on
the home front.

who went searching for the headwaters of
the Nile, director Bob Rafelsons macho
thriller has a little of everything—from
restless natives to jungle rot and sex ap-
. Burton, a celebrated connoisseur of
erotica when he wasnt adventuring, is
played to the hilt by newcomer Patrick
Bergin (scc Playboy's February "Off Cam
era"), with handsome Iain Glen as the
aristocratic, untrustworthy Speke, who
ultimately betrays his partner and may
have had a somewhat-homosexual attach-
ment to him. Fiona Shaw Heshes out her
role as Burton's staunchly femi wile
back home, and Mountains moves from
uptight England to a host of locations in
Kenya without stopping for breath. Time
may be telescoped, some liberties taken
with the facts of the case, but it's real in
essence—and one hell of a story. ¥¥¥¥
.

The runaway hit of every film festival it
has played, Roger & Me (Warner) is a hu-
morist’s dark view of Flint, Michigan,
where General Motors has dosed 11 facto-
ries and wiped out 35,000 jobs. Bl
statistics, indeed, but mere facts cannot
quell the high spirits of film maker
Michael Moore, who produced, directed
and wrote Roger & Me and frequently ap-
pears in the movie during his search for
G.M. ch; Roger Smith. Moore wants
to talk with Smith about Flint, but no dice.
Instead, his low-budget quest takes him to
the stricken city, where he
ture Miss America on tou
tions and talks with a la

Lerviews a fu-

itnesses evic-

rabbits for a living He also lets Flint
officials describe their useless efforts to
у into a tourist mecca,
onable help from such profes-

Boone. One of the wriest asides
zens paying $100 a night to slum
Flint’s brand-new jail. Much of Moore's
droll docucomedy is plainly rigged to sup-
port his vision, vet Roger & Me works mi
acles as a tongue-in-cheek jab at the
American dream gone haywire during the
acquisitive Eighties. Yyyy

Robert De Niro and Scan Penn share the
screen in Were No Angels (Paramount), A
movie with the same title back in 1955
starred Humphrey Bogart, Peter Ustinov
and Aldo Ray as Dev
All that is changed ii
Mamet's extensive гем!
help make a so-so oldy any better. Fur
ly overacting while Penn reluctantly gets
religion and Demi Moore (she’s the town
slut) guards her deaf-mute child, De Niro
sets the tone of a doggedly dated comedy
about two fugitives pretending to be
priests. They're stuck just this side of the
Canadian border in а spectacularly
rugged vintage town that's nice to look at
and may distract you from several huge
holes in the plot. vv

‘Tom Cruise carries the spark of burning
conviction through Born on the Fourth of July
(Universal), based on Ron Kovic’s memoir
that appeared in Playboy in 1976 but now a
Hollywood epic roughly the size and blunt-
ness of a billboard, As co-author (with
Kovic), co-producer and director, film
maker Oliver (Platoon, Wall Street) Stone
cinematically goes for the jugular at the
outset with a big Hag-waving parade, and
you may feel as though youve been
zainst the wall and preached to
by the time he’s through with you. Even so,
the transformation of Kovic from a young
gung-ho patriot 10 a drunken, paralyzed
Vietnam veteran is spelled out by Cruise in
*xcruciating detail—up to and including
Kovic's sad, nightmarish stay in a Mexican
brothel where he tries to recapture his sex
fc. Cruise as Kovic might be just as eflec-
tive without the surrounding hvpe, yet all
of it—from war's horror 10 the subsequent
agony in a military hospital, then Kovic's
long, anguished reappraisal of his life—
has holding power. Less might have been
more on Stone's part, yet Cruise shows the
world for keeps that hes a major talent as
well as a hunk. ¥¥¥

An Г.А. vice cop (England's Bob
Hoskins) particularly detests a smooth
black lawyer (Denzel Washington) who
operates on the shady side of the law. Heart
Condition (New Line) has the lawyer die in
an auto accident on the very night the vice

ЕТТЕ

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м) Xe

wealthy

а
lanmanni f
E
M

Canadian Gas"

A premium whisky, unrivaled in quality and smoothness since 1858.

Calvin Klein

i
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He's constantly recognized
big-screen bad guy, but not everyone
knows that Bill Duke, at 46, also ranks
as a major TV director. With his
performances in American Gigolo
and С mmando well behind him,
cen next in Bird on a
с Hawn and Mel
Gibson. "David C; ie and I are
drug dealers who go after Goldie
and Mel. I don't end up very well in
the end, but I'm used to that. When
you're tall and black, as 1 am, you
usually play the bad guy" Duke is
deeply concerned with changing the
image of blacks in Hollywood. “I've
turned down bad-guy parts because
they seemed to be buffoons. You
haveto know why a person behaves as
he does. Fact is, Гуе known a lot of,
bad black gu own famil

Duke took leave from the screen
for a couple of years to study at the
American Film Institute. Since
then, he estimates he has directed at
least 135 television shows, "every-
thing from Cagney G Lacey vo Hill
Street Blues and Miami Vice,” and
he’s directing his third episode of
The Outsiders, a ucw
tive-produced by Francis Ford Cop-
pola. The Poughkecpsic-born Duke
at onc time studied medicine, but
“learning the names of arteries and
bones just wasn't my thing” Later, at
Boston University, he decided to be-
come an English teacher. “But when
1 fell asleep in my Chaucer class for
the third time, I was asked to leave.”
Then he got turned on to theater.
Director Lloyd Richards, then
teaching at BU, sent him west to

A. “In a few wecks, I made more
than I'd made in New York in a whole
year. I had change in my pocket, no
roaches, no winters. . . " Things аг
booming now, and Duke doubts that
he'll have to take his mothers ad-
vice: "She says whenever it drics up
in Hollywood, I can always go back
to Poughkcepsic and teach.”

execu-

cop suffers a car seizure. Don't think,
however, that an actor of Washington's
stature is out of it so early. Uh-uh. Hoskins
wakes up disgruntled to find the black
man's heart transplanted in his body and,
worse yet, the lawyer's ghost following him
around as he tries to solve a case. He also
learns that he and the dead man are in love
with the same sometime callgirl (Chloe
Webb, whose mumbly, offbeat manner of-
ten makes her hard to understand). Only
Washington wisely underplays his role in a
dud supernatural comedy. ¥
.

To be unmoved by a film shot on location
at Ihe Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration
camps in Poland is nigh impossible. Tri-
umph of the Spirit (Nova International) is
thus a bleak and shattering tale on several
levels. Being spirited back to Auschwitz is
perhaps the one angle that really stings.
Willem Dafoe is excellent as Salamo
Arouch, a Greek boxer who actually
fought in the ring to survive, keeping the
Nazi officer class d. Equally good
are Robert Loggia as his father, Wendy
Gazelle as the Greek girl he loves (in an-
other cell block) and Edward James Olmos
as a gypsy entertainer with connections in
the camp. Familiarity and the sight of well-
fed actors portraying people teetering on
the edge of extinction are the problems
that make Triumph a minor rather than a
major achievement. Too many newsreels,
too much unstaged knowledge of the aw-
ful truth mar director Robert M. Young's
meticulous re-creation. 44%

As a young New England widow who
works in a bakery and tries to kecp her
family together, Jane Fonda їз... well, easy
to watch as a highly accomplished star por-
ауіп a working-class mother in Stanley &
Iris (MGM). Opposite Fonda's Iris as Stan-
ley, an illiterate laborer she teaches to read
before his natural talents land him a good
job, Robert De Niro eases into his role
somewhat more comfortably. Under direc-
tor Martin (Hud, Norma Rae) Ritt, who ha-
bitually gives down-and-outers their due,
this movie version of a Pat Barker novel ti-
цей Union Sheet is humane, splendidly act-
ed and absolutely predictable from first 10
last. Take it with a grain of schmaltz. Y

As director and co-star of The War of the
Roses (Fox), a fairly venomous black come-
dy, Danny DeVito sets out to massage the
audiences mean streak. At that, he suc-
ceeds—with grandly grotesque comic per-
formances by Kathleen Turner and
Michael Douglas as Barbara and Oliver
Rose. They're a well-heeled married pair
about to split, venomously. She locks him
into the sauna. He saws the heels off her
shoes. “A civilized divorce is a contradic-
tion in terms,” notes DeVito, playing a
lawyer, By the time The War of the Roses
has Douglas pissing on his wife's fish din-
ner and lürner resorting to outright mur-
der, what began as a saucy "in" joke about
marriage no longer amuses. ¥¥¥

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

The Bear (Reviewed 12/89) Outdoor ad-
venture with man and ursa major. ¥¥¥
Born on the Fourth of July (Sec review)
Cruise makes his bid for the gold. ¥¥¥ 2
Camille Claudel (2/90) Adjani's angst-

filled portrait of a sculptress. Wh
Cinema Paradiso (2/90) A nostalgic Ital-
ian ode to the joy of movies. vw

Communion (2/90) Author Striebers
view of alien visitors, starring Christo-
pher Walken and Lindsay Crouse. ¥¥¥
Crimes and Misdemeanors (1/90) It's from
Woody Allen, and that’s a plus. У
Driving Miss Daisy (2/90) A gorgeous out-
ing for Tandy and Freeman. wy
Enemies, a Love Story (Scc review) Sex,
lies, lust and the Holocaust. ww
The Fabulous Baker Boys (1/90) Both ac-
company the fabulous Pfeiffer. www
Family Business (Listed only) Whoever
said father knows best? vv
Glory (Sce review) A black regiment
wages the War Between the States. vv.
Heart Condition (See review) Hoskins
takes heart from Washington. Y
Henry V (1/90) Englands Kenneth
Branagh remakes Oliviers classic role
with earthy style and brio. A
The Little Mermaid (2/90) In and out of.
the water, a charming Disney tale. ¥¥¥¥
Mock the Knife (2/90) Raul Julia and
Roger Daltrey star in a mixed-up ver-
sion of The Threepenny Opera. u
Mountains of the Moon (See review) New
faces in a grand African adven-
ture. wy
Music Box (2/90) Jessica Lange carries
the tune as a harried Chicago attorney
defending her father, the Nazi. ¥¥¥
My Left Foot (12/89) One of 19893
top performances, by Daniel Day-

Lewis. Vy
Mystery Train (1/90) A bunch of Elvis ad-
mirers congregate in Memphis. yy
Roger & Me (Sce review) Flint, Michigan,
savaged, not just by С.М. wy
Stanley & Iris (See review) See Jane teach
Robert to read. wh
Steel Magnolias (1/90) Southern women,
all very much abloom. wur

Story of Women (1/90) Isabelle Huppert
asa doomed French abortionist. жузу
‘Sweetie (Listed only) Odd goings on

from down under. Уу
Triumph of the Spirit (See review) Made
in Auschwitz, and harrowing. = УМА

Valmont (2/90) Pretty as a picture, but
far milder than Dangerous Liaisons.¥4¥¥
The War of the Roses (Sce review) Evil
black comedy, deftly played. WY
We're No Angels (See review) Penn and
De Niro with their wings clipped. He
gie did it better decades ago.

ww Outstanding.
xv Don't miss ¥¥ Worth a look
ууу Good show y Forget it

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17 mg. "tar", 1.1 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by ЕТС method.

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VIDEO

ИРИП

"Big commercial films
escape me,” says ac-
tress and SCTV vet An-
drea Martin. “Tons of
money are spent on
them and sometimes the
soul of the film goes out
the window. I'd rather
get lost in the hearts of
characters in small, low-budget films on video.
Like Sid and Nancy or Gregory’ Girl or Harold
and Maude with Bud Cort.” Other little gems
that tickle Andrea are Robert Duvall's Tomorrow
and her own Cannibal Girls, which has yet to see
its vid release. “It's a Canadian gore spoof with
Eugene Levy. We shot it in about two weeks for,
like, thirteen bucks. The ad line is, "These girls
eat men.” Now, if that were on video, | know I'd
get more film work.” LRA пунк.

VIDEOLDIES
antique gold for the ver

Courtesy of Video Yesteryear’s JO0-tille
collection, you can now enjoy those 15-cent
Saturday matinees your folks are always
babbling about —complete with classic car-
toon, up-to-date newsreel, heart-stopping
serial and fabulous feature. Such as:

The Best of Betty Boop: Everyone's favorite
party girl (how does she keep her ankles so
thin?) vamps her way through nine musi-
cal masterpieces, teaming up with other
cartoon stars of the day: La Boop also
strikes some early blows for women’s rights
asa race-car driver and for animal protec-
tion as she gives a cruel farmer what-for.
The Universal International Newsreol: Just
about covers it all—from rare silent
footage of Titanic passengers and crew to
a tuxedoed Il Duce to an odd weather-
balloon game played by college boys on
horseback. Best touch: the organ music.
The Perils of Pauline: The original spine tin-
gler. A two-volume, 12-episode collection
in which our heroine battles the evil Dr.
Bashan through jungles, typhoons, even

SHORT TAKES

Best Video Comeback: The Hula: Lessons 1 and
2; Kinkiest-Sounding Royalty Video: The Queen
and Her Ceremonial Horses; Best Theres-
Something-You-Don't-Do-Every-Day Video: Chi-

nese Aerobics: Praying Mantis Form; Best
Thrill-a-Minute Video: Baby-Sitting Basics; Fa-
vorite Porn Title and Teaser: Bimbo Bowlers
from Boston ("Grab your balls, 'cause this
ain't no tea party!"); Best Its-a-Living Video:
Vehicle Leasing.

the Chinese revolution. Indiana Jones ain't
got nothin’ on Pauline.

Scarlet Street: Fritz Lang's film noir classic.
Edward G. Robinson dons an apron to
play against type as a Caspar Milquetoast
who'll do anything for bad girl Joan Ben-
nett. An eerie tale of manipulation, mad-
ness and murder.

We were going to suggest Naughty Nostalgia
(genuine homemade porn from the Thir-
ties) as a sneak-peck midnight special, but
forget it: These loops are so bad they're,
well, bad. Abstinence recommended.

(For catalog, send $2.50 to Video Yesteryear,
PO. Box С, Sandy Hook, Connecticut
06482). —bAN CURRY

THE HARDWARE CORNER

Watch My Car, Will Ya?: We predicted
color TVs for cars and, sure enough, Hi-
tachi now hasa deal with Chrysler that will
make a five-inch color LCD monitor with
video cassette player a factory option on
the 1991 Voyager minivans. Look for Ford
and G.M. to follow.
Pocket Player: How small will camcorders
get? Kyocera’s Finemovie 8 Pocketcam, an
8mm computerized wonder with a six-to-
one zoom, weighs a mere one pound, 12
ounces. And, yes, forget that tote bag—
this one actually will fit in your pocket.
—MAURY LEVY

VIDEOSYNCRASIES

The San Francisco Earthquake: Are you
at all surprised? Yep, the 15 seconds that
rocked the West are stretched to 60 min-
utes of “dramatic” and “nightmarish” foot-
age. Saving grace: Gives you the low-down

on where to send bucks for victims (MPI).
Great Air Battles: Combat footage,
dogfights and more in a four-tape tribute
to some scrious high flying. Includes War-
birds of WWI, The Fighter Aces, Chopper
Fury and The Jet Wars (Vid America).

Ronald Reagan: An American President:
The “official White House authorized

video"—which means lots of pumped-up
pomp, soft-soaped Iran/Contra and gooey,
sentimental narration. Yawn (Sutton).

COUCH-POTATO
VIDEO OF
THE MONTH:

Leam how to spot (and
perfect?) those sneaky
shuffles, deals and cuts of
the deck with Beat a
Cheat: Secrets of a Card
Shap—a fascinating
peek into the tricks and
techniques of the ace-up-the-sleeve crowd
(Premiere Home Video).

COUCH-TOMATO
VIDEOS OF
THE MONTH:

For ladies bent on teach-
ing the old man to cut
a rug. theres You Can
Dance—a mate-for-two
series that gives the step-
by-step to steppin’ out,
from jitterbug to fox trot to
dirty dancing (Nowadays Video, 800-192-1444).

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (intrauterine
demon Freddy invades unborn kids’ dreams; blecch); Hal-

FEELING QUINTESSENTIAL

loween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (survivors of 1

through 4 get theirs); Stor Trek V: The Finel Frontier (Kirk and
crew find God, or at least a close relative).

FEELING SUBMERGED

The Abyss (wimpy underwater E.T.s await explorers; James
[Aliens] Cameron directed); National Geographic Video:
Search for Battleship Bismarck (Dr. Robert Ballard follows up
Titanic find with quest for sunken World War Two dread-
nought; narrated by Richard Kiley).

E
E
B
E

At Martell, it is an art
passed down for three
centuries and eight gen-
erations. À masterpiece
of patience, perfection

and passion since 1715.

MARTELL

NELSON GEORGE

IN AN era dominated by Jacksons named
Jesse, Bo and Michael, Janet Jackson has
made her own important con ion.
With the Jimmy “Jam” Harris-Terry
Lewis-produced Control in the mid-Eight-
ies, Michael's younger sister recorded one
of the best dance records of the decade
and starred in a series of kinetic videos.
Janet became the role model for a slew of
subsequent singers—most notably, her ex-
choreographer Paula Abdul.

So it would be asking a lot for Janet Jack-
sons Rhythm Nation 1814 (A&M) to bc as
powerful an artistic statement as its prede-
cessor. While Harris-Lewis is still the best
production duo around, this 12-song set
pales not in quality but in innovation when
compared with Control. The slammin’ title
cut and the romantic Come Back to Me are
representative of Harris-Lewis’ harmonic
and rhythmic intelligence. But despite
Janet's pseudoheavy lyrics (who cares what
1814 means?) and the occasional stale ar-
rangement, Rhythm Nation 1814 is good
but hardly great.

Because of the failed solo efforts of older
brothers Marlon and Jackie, one approach-
es Randy Jackson's first solo venture with
dread. But the youngest Jackson boy gets
the last laugh. Randy & the Gypsys’ (A&M)
self-titled debut is chock-tull of hooky
writing, good singing and smart arrange-
ments in a light funk style that makes
songs such as Love You Honey and You Got a
Lady easy listening.

Keisha Jackson is the offspring of anoth-
er Jackson—the foulmouthed, funny
singer-monologist Millie Jackson. Yet in-
stead of imitating Millies gutsy style,
Keisha has turned in the slick, new jack
swinging Keisha Jackson (CBS) with assist-
ance from New York producers Allen
George and Fred McFarlane. Hot Little
Love Affair, Нех So Jealous and U.B.U. are
among the snappy, sassy tunes Jackson per-
forms in her bright, sometimes sassy style.

DAVE MARSH

Terence Trent D'Arbys Neither Fish nor
Flesh: A Soundtrack of Love, Faith, Hope &
Destruction (Columbia) is arty and self-
indulgent, almost obsessively messianic,
completely caught up in its auteurs soul-
savant fantasies. Its also brave, bold, un-
apologetically aspiring and about nine
tenths of the time, it hits all of its targets.

D'Arby proclaimed himself a genius
upon the release of his 1987 debut album,
Introducing the Hard Line, and made
enough music to convince several million
of us that he had a point. Where D'Arby
gets it wrong is in his choice of compar
sons: He's not the kind of innovative
genius that Prince or the Beatles or Brian

A new one from D'Arby,
and it's Jackson time for
Janet, Randy and Keisha.

Wilson or James Brown were. His genius
lies in synthesis, taking parts that. would
be ready-made clichés in other hands and
forging from them a unique vision, which
enables him to ignore fashion—there's
nary a nod to house or hip-hop here—
while using overworked resources such as
sexual ambiguity (throughout but especially
on Billy Don't Fall) and Gospel.

D'Arby gleefully subverts every expecta-
tion Hardline fans may have bad with
nerve, verve and a megalomaniac's sense
of pop history as a set of building blocks
just waiting for the right architect. So side
two begins with a Creedence Clearwater
guitar and Pet Sounds tape washes and
moves through Princely chants and zips in
some funk sax that George Clinton would
envy (and recognize). The result ought to
bc cow pic. But D'Arby gets away with it,
because he has such complete focus on his
goals, and because he performs with total
intensity. The result is a record about
which it's hard to claim too much

VIC GARBARINI

The Georgia Satellites are the rootsy
link between the South's blues-based All-
man/Skynyrd generation and such post
punk Byrds babics as Tom Petty and
R.E.M. Previous albums highlighted Dan
Baird's wry commentaries on love—driven
by fat, crunching Stones/Faces—style power
chords and Rick Richards’ remarkably vi-
tal reworking of Chuck Berry's lick vocab-

ulary Their latest effort, In the Land of Sin
and Salvation (Elektra), finds the Sats in an
identity crisis of sorts. Musicwise, the band
is stretching out, restlessly trying out new
rhythms (the excellent Little Feat cop on
Shake That Thing), substituting rifts for
power chords and relying more on the
scaring sting of Richards’ superb slide gui-
tar. There's even an airy ballad that sounds
more like the old Poco than the new Poco
does. But the guitars grind more than they
soar, and there's an underlying current of
sadness and frustration that cools things a
bit—though the Satellites make good use
of those feelings on the magnificent Six
Years Gone. ‚ 1 really like this album.
But I loved their first two.

On Mothers Milk (EMI), The Red Hot
Chili Peppers, a crazy bunch of skinny
white boys who like to play in their under-
wear (or less), have made the most dynamic
punk-funk connection you're likely to hear
for a long ume. Some tutelage by George

GUEST SHOT

THE ANGELS, previously known as An-
gel City, are a tough, tuneful, smart
Australian band that is led by Doc
Neeson. Having finished his bands
latest, “Beyond Salvation,” Neeson
took time out to assess “Y U I Orta,” а
new collaboration by rock veterans Jan
Hunter and Mick Ronson.

"I'm a longtime fan of Mick Ron-
son's guitar playing—and of Hunter
as both a human being and an all-
round musician. This album really
excites me—it is a guitar record, but
that great voice and those unbel
ably revealing lyrics of Hunters are
just as out front. Bernard Edwards
of Chic produced, and he could
have left more rawness in the sound;
sull, Hunters passion for examining
life pours through. He's so honest,
and it knocks me out that he's brave
enough to be that vulnerable.
There's incredible humor and irony,
too, like on Big Time: "You're never
too small to make the big time.’ Ron-
son and Hunter rock, consistently—
but you never stop thinking or
feeling or laughing. I want this
record to bring lan Hunter more of
the success he's deserved for way too
long already"

yO
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ПДТ АЭ

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the prize and ar alternate prize winner will be selected.

12. For a list of major prize winners, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope between

April Ist and May 151, 1990 1o: Playboy/Volkswagen “College Basketball Challenge" PO.
BOX 1316 Stamford, CT 06904-1316

. OFFICIAL ENTRY BLANK

PLAYBOY

PRESENTS

VOLKSWAGEN'S

College Basketball Challenge!
GRAND PRIZE:

A trip for two to see the Semi-Final and Final
- Games of the College Basketball Championship
at Mile-High Stadium, Denver, Colorado!

FIRST PRIZE:
A weekend for two at the acelaimed 1990
Los Angeles Playboy Jazz Festival.

SECOND PRIZ

A deluxe weekend in Atlantic City, New Jersey
at the exciting Trump Castle Hotel and Casino.

THIRD PRIZE:
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To Enter:

Fill out e blank with your choices for the
four college basketball semi-finalists and send
to the address below, Entrants must
years or older, 21 years or older to win the
second prize,

Name:
Address:
City: Slate:

Zip: Age:

Daytime Phone:

PICK YOUR FOUR SEMI-FINALISTS

MIDWEST WEST
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THE NCAA HAS NOT ENDDRSED, SPONSORED OR APPROVEO THIS
SWEEPSTAKES OR THE OFFEREO PRIZES ANO IS NOT ASSOCIATEO
OR OTHERWISE CONNECTED WITH THIS SWEEPSTAKES OR THE
OFFERED PRIZES.

entries must be received by March 23, 1990.
ir Official Entry Blank to:

boy/Volkswagen “College Basketball Challenge”

P.O. Box 1310

Stamford, CT 06904-1316

‘SEE OTHER SIDE FOR OFFICIAL RULES

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It’s time to think about
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FAST TRACKS

aro les lesre || ire | nm

Darby
Neither Fish nor

Flesh 9 8 8 9 ZÉ
Georgia Satellites
In the Land of Sin and

Salvation 3 2g 7 6 i
Janet Jackson's | |

Rhythm Nation 1814| 8 5 Z 7 8

PUSH ME UP WHERE 1 BELONG DEPARTMENT:
Frederick’ of Hollywood announced
that the response to its temporary bra
museum was so enthusiastic that it has
established a permanent lingerie mu-
seum. Whose unmentionables are on
display? Madonna's, Chers, Mae West's
and Lena Turner's, to name a few.

REELING AND ROCKING: Branford Marsalis
has written and recorded tunes for
the next Spike Lee movie, A Love
Supreme. . . . Bene Midler's movie Stella
will open any day now. . . . Sinéad
O'Conner will appear in Hush a Bye
Baby, set in Ireland. .. . Bobby Womack is.
writing and producing a song for Sally
Kellerman’: new movie, Boris and Na-
tasha. Director David Lynch's film
Wild at Heart includes music ranging
from the blues of Treat Her Right to the
heavy metal of Powermad. Laura Dem,
Nicolas Cage and Isabella Rossellini star in
it, Willie Dixon will have a speaking
part in Rich Girl. . . . Rick Wakeman 15
working on the music for a revival of
the 1925 Lon Chaney silent version of
Phantom of the Opera. . . . Debbie Harry
has finished filming a part in Tales from
the Darkside: The Movie, to be released
next spring. She plays a sinister house-
wife. ... The Who has extended its
farewell tour to help promote Roger Dal-
treys movie Buddys Song, which is be-
ing co-produced by band manager Bill
Curbishley. Daltrey is also working on
the movie Father Jim, in which he plays
a washed-up prize fighter on Chicago's
South Side.

INEWSBREAKS: Jimmy Buffett's success as
ashort-story writer has fired up his cre-
ative juices. A childrens book is due
out this spring and a novel is in
progress. . . . Janet Jackson's world tour
just kicked off; she'll be dancing into
your city this усаг... . The Friars Club

will honor Diana Ross as entertainer of
the year in June. . .. The Smithsonian
Institution and the Rhythm and Blues
Foundation co-hosted a tribute honor-
ing leVern Baker, Ruth Brown, the
Clovers, Etta James and Mary Wells and
others with career-achievement awards
and cash. . . , Although a cast album
from Stings Broadway debut in The
Threepenny Opera is in the works, Sting
is looking for some new ideas and won't
record again until he feels he has some-
thing to say. . . . The famous Fillmore
Auditorium in San Francisco will rise
again from its earthquake damage.
Rock on. . .. The Jacksons are at work on
a TV movie about their lives and Jer-
maine is producing it. . . . Look for a
new Johnny Clegg and Savuka album. . . .
MPI Home Vidco is releasing a 90-
minute cassette called Beatles 64,
which will include footage from their
appearances on the Ed Sullivan
Show. . .. Some of the hot stars in music
are moving their base of operations
from California to Atlanta. Among
them, Bobby Brown, Karyn White, Pebbles,
LA. and Babyface. The reasons? No
earthquakes, fresh air and a lower cost
of living. . . . If all goes well, we vill see
Ginger Baker on tour with Jack Bruce. . . .
Ron Wood has opened a club in New
York next door to a new gallery that will
feature art by prominent musicians.
Aftera fall and winter of incredible ex-
citement, crowds and hype, what helps
the Stones keep their perspective?
Woody took his six-year-old son on tour,
showed him the crowds and asked him
if he now knew what all the rehearsing
had been leading up to. His son said,
“No.” Then he added, “Daddy, have you
seen my Ninja Turtle?" So much for his-
tory. — BARBARA NELLIS

Clinton, plus the sobering effect of the
drug death of its former guitarist, has fo-
cused and heightened the groups hard-
core Hendrix meets P-Funk attack to a
fever pitch, especially on a brilliant cover
of Stevie Wonders Higher Ground that Liv-
ing Colour should kill for.

ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Laurie Anderson's first release in three
years has drawn flak—her faithful com-
plain that it's too slick, even too danceable.
Certainly, Strange Angels (Warner Bros.) is
her most musical album, at least as pop
fans understand the term. So serious
about her expanded melodic ambitions
that she took singing lessons, Anderson
also hired collaborators—notably, South
African bassist Bakithi Khumalo, whose
fretless flow puts meat on her brains—who
counterpoise their огра! stincts to the
boss's disjointed designs. To label the al-
Бит pulse a dance beat, however, is to re-
veal how little you know about parties.

The music’s gain in sensuousness isn’t
for revelers, disco dj.s or radio pro-
gramers—its for Anderson, who feels a
need to balance a growing pessimism with
the gift of faith. Although her jokes are as
funny as ever, they have a big fat butt—the
notion that things ever get better.

On АН Hail the Queen (Tommy Boy),
Qucen Latifah comes by her faith natural-
ly Since even female hip-hop indulges in
the genre's confrontational macho, its a
leasure to hear a woman rapper come on
matriarch instead of a bad sister.
Shifting beats from reggae to house to De
La Nonsense, this is a proud, generous,
hopeful record. Revelers will like it fine.

CHARLES M. YOUNG

For a legendary guitarist, Eric Clapton
sure doesn't show off much. He doles out
his virtuosity in teaspoon-size dollops—
never a full feast of an extended solo to
sate his audience. Either he believes in al-
ways leaving them begging for more or he
has done so many dumb things in his ca-
reer that he has learned genuine humility.
Based on the humble title of his latest al-
bum, Journeyman (Reprise/Duck), my guess
would be the latter. Is it, indeed, a journey-
man’s effort? Yes, in the sense of being
competent and professional. No, in the
sense that. Clapton has inspiration and is
singing bcttcr than he has in ycars. The
sad quaver in his tenor was made for the
heartfelt love song—not necessarily of the
unrequited variety Here he has chosen
well among songwriters for pensively intel-
ligent material, such as Pretending, by Jer-
ry Williams, which is about discovering
that your girlfriend is altering her person-
ality for love and that you are capable of
doing the same. If that’s too heavy, pro-
gram your CD player for his covers of
Hound Dog and Во Diddley's Before You Ac-
сизе Me for some unadulterated fun.

“Just give me a killer sound system
and the babes will follow.”

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By DIGBY DIEHL

THE WORLD OF mystery and detective fiction
has grown so large that searching for par-
ticular titles requires a literary sleuth to in-
vestigate entire bookstores now devoted to
the subject. Happily, a new edition of the
most comprehensive guide to crime fiction,
A Catalogue of Crime (Harper & Row), by
Jacques Barzun and Wendell Hertig Tay-
lor, has just been enlarged to include books
published through 1988. For still more re-
cent additions, however; here's the docket:

P D. (Phyllis Dorothy) James proves that.
in her llth novel, Devices ond Desires
(Knopf), she is still Agatha Christie's most
worthy successor, Adam Dalgliesh, her
poetry-writing Scotland Yard inspector,
takes a yacation on the North Sea coast,
only to find himself in pursuit of a serial
killer known as the Norfolk Whistler. This
is a psychologically complex book with
enough characters to people a Russian
saga; for literary brilliance, it surpasses
her previous best seller, A Taste for Death.

Although an American, Martha Grimes
conjures the English countryside with the
ish whodunit writers and, in
led most of her ten novels with
ve names of British pubs, such
as The Five Bells and Bladebone and Help
the Poor Struggler. The Old Silent (Little,
Brown) takes us first to the West Country
and eventually into the world of rock, as
Richard Jury unravels the mystery of a
triple murder,

Formerly the Queen Mother's first jock-
ey, Dick Francis has been writing stylish.
mysteries about the race-track scene since
the early Sixties. His 28th, Straight (Put-
nam), mixes horses with semiprecious
stones for a well-tailored plot triggered by
a murder, One killing no longer appears to
suffice for most writers, so Simon Brett's
13th novel featuring the witty and fre-
quently unemployed actor/sleuth Charles
Paris is titled A Series of Murders (Scrib-
пег). Brett has wry fun with a suspect in
the cast of a West End TV mystery series.

Robert B. Parker is rightly regarded for
his Spenser novels as the most authentic
heir to the American hard-boiled tradition
of Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Ham-
mett. But the writer whose work takes you
back into the history of Los Angeles’ mean
streets even more
Chinatown is James Ellroy The Black
Dahlia and The Big Nowhere are rich detec-
tive stories with wonderful noir shadings,
and Ellroy's forthcomir
LA. Confidential (Mysterious), is a breath-
taking hard-boiled masterpiece.
machine-gun prose, he takes you inside
the City of the Angels in the Fifties, when
the freeways were being built, drugs were
going big time, race relations were poor
and “Bulldog” Parker was reshaping the
L.A.ED. into the New Centurions.

A must-have Catalogue of Crime.

Literary sleuths: Prepare
to be whisked back to the
scene of the crime.

With 7,000,000 copies of his previous
books in print, Jonathan Kellerman has
turned the psychological mystery into a
gold mine, His latest, Silent Portner (Ban-
tam), again features psychologist /detective
Dr. Alex Delaware, whose cases often deal
with child endangerment. (His wife, Faye
Kellerman, has just written her third mys-
tery, Milk and Honey (Morrow), featuring
the unique romantic pairing of a street-
wise L.A. cop and a sexy orthodox Jewish
widow)

Andrew Vachss, a lawyer who specializes
in child-abuse cases, often writes about
that area of crime, too, but his style is
stomach-turning tough. He looks at the
nasty side of life unflinchingly in books
such as Hard Condy (Knopf), with sparse
descriptive phrases that have a near-physi-
cal impact.

Theres no shortage of talent in the
tough-guy story department, where vai
ous writers have staked out distinctive ter
ritories for themselves. Tony Hillerman,
for example, is a spellbinding writer who
tells his crime stories in the setting of his
native New Mexico. His latest, Talking God
(Harper & Row), takes off from the recent
controversy over Indian remains in the
Smithsonian and builds suspensefully into
a tense whodunit steeped in Navaho lore.
Jonathan Valin sets the adventures of pri-
vate eye Harry Stoner in a shadowy
Cincinnati where Sam Spade would have
ht at home. His eighth book, Fire
Lake (Dell), revives memories of the Sixties
in a drug deal gone bad, with dialog that

crackles off the page.

For readers delighted by gourmet pre-
tentiousness, there is no better banquet
than that offered by Michael Bond's Mon-
sieur Pamplemousse Aloft (Fawcett), the fifth
in his gastronomic mystery series featur-
ing Aristide Pamplemousse and his canine
partner, Pommes Frites. Hard-boiled send-
ups are almost a category of their own, one
in which the prolific Robert Campbell
would qualify for his Jimmy Flannery ani-
mal mysteries. The most recent, Nibbled to
Death by Ducks (Pocket), while not as wildly
funny as Hip-Deep in Alligators, dips into
Chicago politics and Irish friendships with
invent charm. When you read on the
jacket that Robert Crais's detective Elvis
Cole “is a literate Vietnam vet who quotes

in books such as Stalking the Angel (Ban-
tam), Crais merges off-the-wall wisecracks
with realistic scenes in a fast-moving plot
for a fresh twist on the old formula.

One prova: new direction in crime
fiction is the proliferation of women detec-
tives. The best of these is V. I. “Vic” War-
shawski, who prowls Chicago in five
well-researched novels by Sara Paretsky,
such as the recent Blood Shot (Dell). Other
sisters in crime include Sue Grafton's Ki)
sey Millhone, who is working her way defit-
ly dirvugh die АВС» of malfeasance and
has recently reached “Р” Is for Fugitive
(Holt); and Linda Barnes, whose tall red-
haired, cab-driving Boston dick was most
recently seen in The Snake Tattoo (St.
Martins).

For veteran mystery readers seeking a
discovery, here are some less-well-known
books to think about. John Lescroart's
Dead Irish (Donald I. Fine) is a beautifully
written San Francisco murder story with
perfect-pitch dialog. Virgils Ghost (Faw-
cett), by Irving Wemman, introduces a
Jewish former N.Y.PD. homicide detective
who turns PI. and siruggles with his past
in acase about AIDS. Keith Peterson tells
an engrossing, suspenseful tale of a search
Idhood and of a passionate love
in The Scarred Man (Doubleday), and
The Miami Herald's Pulitzer Prize-win-
ning crime reporter Edna Buchanan deliv-
ers the fictional goods with Nobody Lives
Forever (Random House), a tough saga of
homicide and sex among Miami

One caveat ápplies to mystery.
tive fiction: This stuff is addictive. Once
you develop a taste for literary lawbreak-
ing, you'll go back to the scene of the crime
over and over. As an unrepentant recidi-
vist, I confess that repeat offenders often
carry concealed paperbacks and develop
midnight cravings for suspense. If this
doesn't deter you, you're fit for a life of
crime fiction.

£1989 Harley Davidson, Inc. We Suppor! the АМА ard recommend you wear a helmet and protective gear, always ride with your lights on, and watch out for the other person while riding.

When Did It Start For You?

Like a spark, at a single point ina lot of people's lives, each one of these people became very different. They found

something happened that changed things. The urge to have a something that the average population will never discover. Maybe

Harley-Davidson" took hold. From that point on, and especially you were made to be a Harley owner. Maybe you were born to
after seeing the world from the seat of their very own Harley? be one. Ever thought about it? Maybe it’s time you started.

SPORTS

А“ weeks ago, 1 noted to myself (as
others around me fled from my
shrieks) that the funniest sports book on
the current market wasn't meant to be.

The book in question was The History of
the РС.А. Tour, as in golf, published by
Doubleday, as in Bantam Doubleday Dell,
and all the ships at sea. I say “was” in this
case because the book may have disap-
peared by now. Books, as we know, have
only a two-month life in hardcover unless
they are written by cartoonists, kinder-
garten philosophers or Danielle Steel

‘Two things make this particular book
funny. One, the statistical section in the
back that attempts to rank the game's
greatest players and makes a fool of itself;
and two, the fact that these rankings are
authorized by Deane R. Beman, the com-
missioner of the PG.A. Tour, who is be-
coming best known for having authorized
mediocrity on tod:

With the publication of this authorized
book, and the silly statistics therei
man must get full credit for trying to n
illustrious history seem as
the present.

All that’s missing is a photo of Bobby
Jones, Ben Hogan or Walter Hagen wear-
ing a Nabisco visor.

Permit me to entertain you with some
examples:

1. If you follow golf and know some-
g of ils history, you've probably been
going through life thinking that Bobby
Jones's feat of winning the grand slam in
1930 was the most remarkable accomplish-
ment in the annals of the sport.

Wrong. The book's rankings of the best
players for 1930 place Jones 22nd. Among
others, he trails such stalwarts as John
Golden, Bill Mehlhorn, Bobby Cruick-
shank, Joe Turnesa, Wiffy Cox, Ed Dudley
and Al Espinosa, none of whom ever won a
major championship.

Jones was an amateur, of course, which
why his victories in the U.S. Open and the
British Open as part of the slam that year
don't count for enough points to outrank
all those journeymen pros, not under the
scoring system used.

"The book claims to include Jones in the
rankings out of “courtesy.” So he's ranked
22nd in the year of the grand slam. Tell me
that's not funny.

2. You may also
through life thinking that Ben. Hogan's
feat in 1953 of winning the Masters, the
US. Open and the British Open (and five.
of the only six tournaments he entered)

have been g

By DAN JENKINS

GOLF: OPEN
AND SHUT

was the most remarkable accomplishment
since Jones's slam.

Wrong. The book’s rankings for 1953
place Hogan Hth. Among others, he trails
Dutch Harrison, "led Kroll, Porky Oliver
and Marty Furgol, none of whom ever won
a major championship.

The book’s top-ranked player of 1953 is
Doug Ford, primarily, we learn, because he
won three tournaments called the Labatt
and finished in the top 25 so often in nu-
merous other dreary events.

Listen carefully. I was around in 1953
and I can assure you that the Masters, the
US. Open and the British Open were
finitely more important than all the La-
batts put together. In fact, they are the
three most important tournaments in the
world today, as we speak, despite anything
you may hear from the PG.A. Tour or
some idiot at Nabisco who's in charge of
throwing millions of dollars at mediocrity.

As funny as anything in the book is the
fact that Marty Furgol, ill-clad, unstylish
and about half-goofy, ranks ahead of Ben
Hogan in 1953. Marty Furgol didnt win a
single tournament in 1953, while Hogan
captured three majors.

3. Again, you've probably been going
through life thinking that Jack Nicklaus
must be the greatest golfer who ever lived
because he won 20 major championships—
the Masters six times, the PG.A. five times,

the U.S. Open four times, the British Open
three times and the U.S. Amateur twice.
Thats seven more majors than Bobby
Jones, nine more than Walter Hagen, ten
more than Ben Hogan, 12 more than
Arnold Palmer, and so on.

Wrong. According to the book, Sam
Snead was the greatest player. This was ar-
rived at because Sam played at the top lev-
el longer than anyone else—40 years, to be
exact. That all well and good, and Snead
was certainly one of the greatest, but why
should longevity make him the best?

The fact is, Snead won 13 fewer majors
than Nicklaus and he also forgot to win the
US. Open, ever. I say a man who never
won the U.S. Open cant possibly be called
the greatest golfer who ever lived.

There happens to be a simple way to
rank the game's greatest players. You total
up the majors they won

Using this method, here's what you get:

+ Jack Nicklaus, 20 majors.

= Bobby Jones, 13 majors.

= Walter Hagen, 11 majors.

«Ben Hogan, ten majors (counting a
wartime US. Open)

And everybody else is tied for fifth, as
far as I'm concerned. But.

4. The book ranks the top 500 players
from 1916 through 1988; under its unique
scoring system, Walter Hagen is 17th.

When I was told this before I picked up
the book, I was willing to bet that if Hagen
were 17th, Donald Duck must be 16th.

1 was wrong. Dutch Harrison was 16th—
Harrison, a player who never won a single
major championship, while Hagen won
five PG.A.s, four British Opens and two
US. Opens.

But I’ve saved the funniest for the last in
this autho 'd book with the G.A. Tours
logo on the jacket.

Deane Beman, who was a fine amateur
but never won a major as a touring pro,
ranks 226th on the all-time list.

"That wouldn't be anything to brag about
except that the authorized scoring system
puts him 13 spots above Seve Ballesteros
and 40 notches above Bobby Jones!

De:

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MEN

І happens every weekday morning
How do I know? Because I watch it. Not
every ; E dont have the stomach for
that. But I sce it as part of my job to ш
and chart the television industry's ma
lation of the American woman as she
watches Oprah, Phil and Geraldo (and
sometimes Sally; though she usually tries to
be fairer to men than the rest of that crew).

E call it the several-hour hate. Yes, it’s
showtime, folks, every weekday morning
on our nations television screens. Women
arc encouraged to tune in and bitch and
gripe and hate, to stick pins in our collec
tive doll, to simplify and denigrate and
curse us with an intensity that is hard to
believe. For several hours every weekday
morning, Oprah, Phil and Geraldo trot
onto their respective stages and begin
their ritual bashing of the American male.
And their audiences, both in the studio
and in the hinterlands, love it! They suck
up every tale of womanly woe and male
perfidy. They stir themselves into a feed-
ing frenzy as they are presented with men
who are evil and women who are victims,
and it sells a lot of soap and gets very high
ratings.

‘There is another side to th nd-
hate syndrome, of course. Men who а
considered OK occasionally do appear on
the shows. Not all the men presented are
rapists and muggers and scoundrels—just
most of them. Oprah, Phil and Geraldo
sometimes offer their audiences politically
correct males, men whom women are
lowed to like, These inclu
TV stars, movie stars, fen
ers, ballet dancers, etc. Cute and wi
men are adored, in other words, and never
do the men presented give their hosts any
shit. “Its s together,” these sp
cial men being interviewed seem to sa
“and God forbid that we should speak oi
in defense of the average American male.
He is definitely dreck, girls, and you have
every right to hate him. By the way, please
notice that | am a sweetheart and not at all
like him.

All of this psychological exploitation is a
result of today's cultural revolution. Wom-
en, now the political majority in the popu-
lation, truly love to hate the men who used
to be the majority Women, now much
more assured of their own spending pow-
er, are catered to by the sponsors who must
hand them television programs they will
watch. More than that, women form the
major audience for daytime T V, so if Phil,
Oprah and Geraldo did not exist, telev

By ASA BABER

RISE AND HATE!

sion would have to invent them. Oh, wait a
minute, that’s right; television did invent
them!

Um trying to imagine the shows that
Oprah, Phil and Geraldo have blocked out.
for the 1990 season. I submit that these
will be the types of listings they will
provide. Check them out—but be sure you
leave home early every morning.

“Men Who Rape Their Children and
Then Kill Them and Throw Them into
the Sewers.” This is a tossup between
Oprah and Geraldo, but I think Geraldo
will probably grab it first. On this show (or
shows; this has the potential to be a month-
long series), men who have murdered their
children are interviewed at length fro
their prison cells, They are asked to di
= the murders in exquisite detai
many still photographs shown.
then asked if they are sorry
for what they did. Those sickos who say
they are not sorry and would happily do it
gain will be kept on camera and berated
a long ti s this what it is to be a
man today?" Geraldo will ask selfright-
cously. The audience will applaud him.

“Sexist Male Strippers Who Do Not Bi
lieve in God.” This show just screams out
Phil's name, doesn't it? He'll do it, fo
First, we will see 25 minutes of male
stripteasers in action. The audience will be
shocked and outraged but very attentive.
Phil will say “Oh, dear” a lot. Then, when

he actually talks to these hunks, he will dis-
cover that they view women as sex objects.
“How could you?” Phil will ask. Later, he
ill realize that several of them have no
particular religious beliefs. “Is this what it
is to be a man today?” Phil will ask in his
motherly fashion. “First you titillate help-
less females with your steroid-shaped bod-
ies and baffling biceps, then you deny us all
metaphysical faith?" The audience will be
very pleased that Phil has stood up for pu-
rity and truth. As soon as the men have
their clothes back on, they will be boocd
and hisscd.

“Men Who Vomit on Airplanes and
"Then Hand the Bag to the Stewardess.”
This is a show just made for Oprah's inci-
sive and unprejudiced interrogation. First,
several men will be asked to stick th
fingers down their throats and throw up
on national television. The audience will be
both amused and nauseated. “Look famil-
iar, ladies?” Oprah will smile. “Look like
the last time he came home drunk and dis-
orderly after he said he had to stay late at
work?” The men themselves will be fully
confessional, in tears, ashamed that they
have ever been airsick and expected help
from a steward

I swear ГИ never do it again,” one of
them will say.

The audience will scold him. “Don't put.
your puke in my palms,” one of the women
the studio will yell. “You take that bag
up front and give it to the pilot or the stew-
ard or some other man, understand?”

Oprah won't have to say a word. Her
minions will do her work for her. Then
she'll close with a haunting, perceptive
question: “Is this what it is to be a man
today?”

What it is to be a man today, of course,
to bean individual who avoids daytime TV.
But maybe it's time for us to do our own
gig, huh? How about it, men? Let's start
our own talk shows and pick our own top-
ics. What about “Women Who Kill Every-
body They Know and Then Fly to
France”? Or “Female Strippers Who Are
Probably Lesbians and Dont Like Men
Very Much Even Though Men Thin]
They Do"?

Gosh, oh, gee, I think I've found a new
career. See you at the hatefest, gentlemen.
And don't forget to bring your sexist preju-
dices. They'll be reinforced. Promise.

WOMEN

№ was rouging and powdering ту
cleavage; George was blow-drying
my bangs; I was wriggling.

“Ow!”

“Stay still,” said George. “Do you or do
you not want to look like Christy Turi
ton?”

now I've rouged your collar-
Nigel. “Stop fidgeting. There.

“Fabulous,” said George, “stunning.”

“So would either of you like to fuck me?”

“I would, but I must condition my chest
hair,” said George, sweeping from the
room.

"Would you like to suck a large milky-
white tit?" Nigel asked me.

“Please, Nige,” I said.

“How about licking a pussy

“Please! Gross me out!”

“And that's how we fccl," said Nigel.

Gender identification is a tricky thing.
Should 1 resent Nigel and George for not
paying me the ultimate compliment of
their sexual desire? Should I consider
them misogynists for their aversion? Or
should I, as I do, love them because they're
my dear friends and they understand me
better than a thousand straight men?

Not that there aren't gay misogynists:
What's the difference between a woman
and a bowling ball?

If you had to, you could fuck a bowling
ball.

Why are women like dog turds?

The older they ase, the easier they are to
pick up.

I heard both of those jokes from gay
men about a decade ago, but I'll never for-
get them or stop despising the men who
told them. But those are two instances in
ten years, whereas every day of my life, I
am bufleted—no, fuck it—I am smashed
in the face with heterosexual misogyny.
Woman hatred explodes from my TV set,
from the guys with jackhammers on my
street, from waiters, from novelists.
Straight men want to fuck women, and too
often that makes them hate women.

So call mea fag hag if you want.

“You fag hag,” says Nigel.

“There, you scc!" 1 “Gay men are al-
ways the ones to say it! They're always the
first to put themselves down. Gay men are
full of self-loathing!”

“So are women.”

"Thats true. Sometimes 1 tl
self-loathing is the most humai
influences. We hate ourselves; therefore,
we have great compassion for others."

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

GAY
BLADES

"Unless, of course, we hate ourselves and
therefore go out and machine-gun an en-
tire village.”

“There is that. Maybe we feel bound to
each other by our oppi . We are unit-
ed in our helpless resentment of the op-
pressor, the heterosexual white male. We

futile lust for Ke
“We have the
we're not compet
be. Its perfect.”
“Has anybody seen my champagne-
et earrings?" George called from the

me sexual impulses, yet
€, the way women can

bathroom.

Gay men identify with women; in camp
moments, they yell at each other,
friend!” or ever

“Girleen!” but they are not
xual behavior, they are

ingly male.
ig, predatory, easily excited into
g and able to have sex with those
а with indifference or even hold
in contempt. This explains the tragic
promiscuity that went on before we knew
about AIDS. Imagine what it would be like
if you, a straight man, were met with a
lusty, eager acceptance by every woman
you ogled on the street or in a bar. That's
what gay life was like in the Seventies.

“Well, thank you very much,” said
George. “As if I would ever do it with any-
body else but my Nige.”

“You won't, George, but you might want
to. Remember that guy who came to pick
me up the other night?”

Oh, he was so dishy. So gorgeous.
Those eyes!”

“That's what I mean. Men, biologically,
are helplessly promiscuous. The more
evolved ones can reign in their anin
pulses.”

“Oh, shut up and lets go to the
said Nigel, making his James Dean face in
the mirror.

Atthe party, they got wild; Nigel danced
with all the girls, holding them close,
grinding into them.

“Nigel, be careful, shes a flower,”
George cautioned.

“You're just a closet heterosexual,
Nigel," I accused.

Then the hostess brought out her wigs,
and all the straight men in the room,
heady with dri tried them on and
flounced around. They were adorable.
Phat one doesnt know it yet," said
igel, gesturing, “but he plays on our
team.”
fes,” I said, “I thought he was awfully
nice.”

Yes, I mean it! Gay men are nicer! You
can talk to them! And not because they're
willing to chat about hairdos! You can say
personal, complicated things toa gay man,
and he won't look at you fishily, he won't
make you feel Ii fool.

"There is a terrible pride about straight
men. An implacable rigidity. They seem to
forever be holding themselves in check, as
if they were denying a convoluted mael-
ings and fears churning with-
s if they were afraid that even
theirarmor would make them

one chink
fall apart.

So vehemently in control and, therefore,
so clearly vulnerable, straight men reduce
women to uncertainty and delicacy. We're
afraid well wound you and compromise
your potency We become your nurse-
maids.
he best and, perversely, the most mas-
culine of straight men are the ones who
have a strong dollop of femininity in their
make-up. Give me a straight man who isn't
afraid to gossip, whose mouth doesn't
tighten when confronted by a woman be-
ing raunchy.

Femininity makes you strong.

The new ESCORT:

Incredible performance
a

At Cincinnati Microwave, we've continuously
advanced the science of radar waming since we
introduced the original ESCORT in 1978.

But we've never stopped striving for another
quantum leap And now we've found it: DSP

Incredible technology

DSP is Digital Signal Processing, a technology
virtually unheard of in personal electronics, but
used in many exotic electronic devices,

DSP is used hy NASA to create detailed space
photos from blurry images. It's used to deliver
sharp images from medical scanners. And now
were using DSP to find radar signals too weak to
be detected by conventional technology.

How it works

The new ESCORT's DSP circuitry samples
incoming radar signals 50,000 times a second,
slicing them into discrete bits of infor-

mation. This data is then digitized and
continuously analyzed by an internal
computer The end result is incredible.

The bart of ESCORTS DSP eine i his
20 MHz 24 bl HCMOS processor. а custom
version ofthe Motorola 05 50000.

Breakthrough performance

New ESCORT provides ап incredible increase
in sensitivity on both hands. Quite simply. this
means that the new ESCORT picks up radar
signals much further away than ever before possible.
Al this in an incredibly compact package, only
№" high and 34” wide. The science of radar
warning will never be the same.

The right stuff
New ESCORT and SOLO have all of the
tures we pioneered with ESCORT and PASSPORT:
ble rate audio, with different tones for X
Alert lamp, ten-ssgment meter, Dark mode,
and a Mute switch with a new Auto-Mute function.
А battery-saver even turns SOLO off if you forget

Bad news for thieves:

A new security system in new ESCORT and
SOLO makes them of little use to anyone
but the rightful owner. Here's how it works:

The system is fully automatic, and easy
touse, Included with your new radar detector
is a tiny electronic “Digital Key“” to put on.
your key ring {see the main photo above and
the cutaway below).

tual size
‘alas of Digtal Key

About every two months, your radar
detector's circuitry will prompt you to insert
your Digital Key into a small jack on your
detector, and turn your detector on. After
confirming that you used the right Oigital
Key, your radar detector will reset its lock
and will be ready lor two more months ot
use. That's all there is to it.

However, for someone who doesn't have
the right key (end there are thousands of
different Digital Keys), the radar detector
simply won't work. And needless to say,
there's little economic incentive lor a thief
to steal your radar detector if he can't sellit.
And if a stolen ESCORT or SOLO is ever
returned to our factory for service, we'll
immediately contact you (if youhave reported
the theftto us).

Although nothing is totally "theft-proof‘"
our new Oigital Key security system will
help keep your new ESCORT or SOLO yours.

Everything included
Both new ESCORT and SOLO come complete
with leather case, visor dip, windshield mount,
and comprehensive owner's manual. ESC
includes power cords (straight, coiled, and direct.
wire), while SOLO includes both lithium and
alkaline 9 volt batteries and a travel case.

SOLO: A new kind of radar detector —
No power cord
D
JM lists itc its ates enitn
between cars and using rentals іп distant cities,
you need the most convenient radar detector
possible. But radar detectors have always been less
than ideal for traveling. Until now.
Revolutionary convenience

After two years of development, we're introducing
‘SOLO, the first self-powered superheterodvne radar
detector. You just mount it on your visor or
windshield and turn it on. It's imple.

SOLO doesn't nee! а power cord, recharger, or
add-on battery pack. Its remarkable design uses
only 2% of the power of a conventional radar
detector. As a result, SOLO operates about 200
hours on a single 9 Volt lithium battery (or 80
hours on a standard alkaline).

Hours of Daily Usage

ОИ
Approximate Battery Lie (montis) = Lthiun = Alaline

Bo» d 12 13

Uncompromised performance

SOLO has the same long-range warning as our
test-winning PASSPORT, in an even smaller package
(about %"Н x 24"W, weighing only 5/2 ounces).
And unlike most battery-powered devices, SOLO
maintains full performance aver its full battery life.

New self-powered SOLO may be the first radar
detector that's never 100 much trouble to use,

Factory Direct
We only sell direct from our factory to you, and
we guarantee your satisfaction. If you're not
completely satisfied in 30 days, just return your
purchase for a full refund. You cant lose.
‘The most advanced radar detectors in the
world are only a toll-free call away: Call today

ESCORT $295
‚Ohio residents add

$1770 sales tax
FADANWARINGPECENER
bcs slighily rm
higher in Canada

Call Toll Free 1-800-543-1608
(24 hours a day, 7 days a week)

sf), alls your order:
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HEAR DIGITAL MASTERPIECES

THE SAME WAY THEY WERE MASTERED.

No claim Sony could make for these headphones could con-

ceivably be more impressive than this simple statement: this year, in
the production of nearly 100 state-of-the-art compact discs, the
headphones used as a quality control reference during the critical
Mastering stoge were the Sony MDR-CD999.

In fact, chief mastering engineer Bob Ludwig of the renowned
Masterdisk studios explains, “The 999% superior isolation allows me
їо experience ће full dynamic range of these digital master tapes

for the first time. They're also comfortable enough to wear for
extended listening sessions.” As Bob neatly summarized: “Everything
sounds as | intended.”

So audition the Sony MDR-CD999, (0777; ond CD555 Digital
Monitor Series heodphones. And heor digital masterpieces the same

way they were mostered.
SON Y.

THELEADER IN DIGITAL AUDIO"

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Recent; 1 joined a health club that is
well equipped. It has aerobics, tanning
rooms, a swimming pool and a jogging
track, as well as various free weights and
machines. When I see some of the stun-
ning women there in their tights and such,
all I can think of is Oh, my God, would you
look at that! while I stand there with my
teeth in my ү to them

mouth. What can I s;
to break the ice and not be identified as a
throbbing cock? The club is in a shopping
center with a nice restaurant nearby that
Га like to use to my advantage. If you can
offer any low-risk, casual openers that
won't make me look like an idiot to anyone
else around if they don't work, I would ap-
e them tremendously—K. C., An-
napolis, Maryland.

First, take a look around. We assume you
aren't the only guy at the health dub. See if
there is a communal style or etiquette: Is there
some guy whos an aggressive throbbing cock
(to use your phrase)? Does it work for him?
Probably not. Next, get over the candy-store
syndrome. You can't date all of these women,
and health clubs are a lot like high schools—
as soon as you choose one of the women, the
rest become spectators, judge and jury. Most
people work out on a regular schedule: If
there is someone you are specifically interested
in, notice what days and hours she attends the
gym. Offer to spot her on the weights. Or, if
she's in better shape, ask her to explain one of
the machines. This isn't something you ac-
complish in ten seconds. You don't lift one
weight, then say, “OK, so I’m fit. Now what?”
After you become acquainted, you might say,
“Well, that burned off six hundred calories;
want to go put them back on?”

What is the Advisors attitude toward
motorcycle helmets? Do you side with Gary
Busey, who held a press conference after
his motorcycle accident to say he was sull
against helmet laws for adults? Гуе heard
all sorts of arguments against helmets—
that they cur noise, that they don't protect
at more than 13 miles per hour, that they
become saunas in warm weather and fog
up in cold and that anything a legislator
says is mandatory is, by definition, not.—
О. E., New York, New York.

We are prohelmet. One of our editors who
rides motorcycles was hit by a car—he woke
up in the middle of the street with his helmet
cracked like an eggshell. He keeps it in his
office to remind him that there but for the
grace of DOT. (the Department of Trans-
portation, or—as it thinks of itself—God)
goes а vegetable. He insists that without the
helmet, he would be brain-damaged. Nowa-
days, he wears one for all occasions except
cunnilingus. As for Gary Busey—a helmet
might have kept him out of the hospital. Ay
for your complaints, stow them: A recent arli-
cle in Motorcyclist addressed some of the
myths about helmets. As for noise, a good hel-

met cuts wind roar, so you can actually hear
better. Vision? In more than 87 percent of
motorcycle collisions, the bike hits an object
directly in front of the rider, in plain view
with or without a helmet. While a helmet
won't absorb а 100 mph impact, in most acci-
dents when your head hits the curb or the
barking meter or the fender of the car that
cuts you off, the helmet will absorb the blow
sufficiently to keep your vital signs intact. If
you are worried about ventilation, check out
the latest designs. A helmet such as the Kiwi
K-20 has vents that cool in the summer and
prevent fogging in wet or cold weather.

The other night, 1 tried to be creative in
bed. My girlfriend and 1 were enjoying a
liqueur. I decided to pour some over her
body and lick it off. The result was the op-
posite of what I had expected. She found
that the alcohol created a burning sensa-
tion and we had to call off the play for a
mad dash to the bathroom. Where did I go
wrong?—K. L., Los Angeles, California.
Would you believe that there is a book in
our office called “Oral Sex Made Easy"?
Published in 1982 by an organization called
the International Sex Institute, it provides
guidelines for combining booze and bed. Here
are some of the hints: “One of the special
benefits of oral-genital sex is that it can titil-
late the laste buds as well as the genitals.
Many individuals lavingly pour sweet wine,
champagne or some other liquid on their
lovers chest, abdomen or pubic region, then
sensually lick it off as it runs in rivulets down
lo and over the genital region. Sweet wines
are perhaps the most popular. Champagne,
the modern ‘beverage of romance, adds the
sensation of effervescence to the one receiving
the libation, but its dry flavor does not com-
bine well with the natural aroma of the wom-

ans vulva. A bubbly sweet wine might be a
better choice. Tastes vary, but it is advisable
not to apply to the genital region any alco-
holic beverage stronger than wine with 12
percent to 14 percent alcohol. Though some
people are excited by the burning sensation
caused by stronger liquors, most find it merely
painful. Orange juice is a popular enhance-
ment of oral sex. It offers the benefit of neu-
tralizing vulvar odors to those individuals
who, for some reason, are not fond of the geni-
tal scent. If orange juice is used, it should be
squeezed а drop at a time from a fresh orange
onto the genital region. Other liquids or
semiliquids popular with devotees of oral-
genital sex include honey, melted ice cream
and whipped cream. These offer the advan-
tage of viscosity, enabling them to be dripped
onto the mans penis as well as on the womans
vulva. For hygiene’s sake, it’s imperative that
genital regions bathed in such substances be
licked clean by the oral partner, or that the
genital partner follow the lovemaking with a
cleansing of the genital: Some individu-
als enjoy placing small pieces of fruit in the
womans vagina, then removing them with
tongue, lips or teeth. Strawberries, slices of
banana, seedless-orange sections, pieces of
melons and slices of apples work well, as do
most other fruits that can be sliced into small
sections, Obviously, it is necessary to clean
such fruit well before sexplay.” About the only
thing missing is a recipe for sangria.

Mf ie Siac KEES
that I find truly fascinating. We have
found that by placing the palm of my hand
on her lower abdomen—just above the pu-
bic area—and massaging gently, she can
achieve orgasm after orgasm. She tells me
the sensation is from the pressure on her
uterus and ovaries and that it wasn't until
after she had a baby a couple of years ago
that this area became so sensitive. Having
been brought up on the Masters and John-
son idea that most female orgasms are cli-
toral in nature, I am intrigued by this new
discovery. How unique is this technique?—
K. B., New Haven, Connecticut.

A lot of people misinterpret Masters and
Johnson's finding about clitoral sensitivity to
mean that only direct stimulation produces
orgasm, or that it is the only route to orgasm.
Many women cannot tolerate direct stimula-
tion and prefer indirect methods such as the
опе you have discovered. Some can achieve or-
gasm from stimulation of nipples, ears, toes,
teeth or eyebrows. Consider yourself lucky.

A pers ickety lady of my acquaintance—
a self-proclaimed social arbiter—in-
formed me in no uncertain terms that
champagne at the end of a meal is improp-
er, yet I can't count the number of times
I've seen champagne toasts offered toward
the close of weddings and banquets. Гуе
always considered champagne appropriate

PLAYBOY

any time, any place. Am 1 simply
gauche?—W. E, Washington, D.C.

Of course champagne should be enjoyed at
the end of an important dinner or celebra-
tion. But there is a caveat: The common mis-
lake is pouring a brut (dry) champagne. Very
dry bubblies do not complement sweet desserts.
п extra-dry (moderately sweet), sec
(fairly sweet) or demi-sec (frankly sweel)
champagne matches up beautifully with
cakes, fruit larts, poached fruit and many
more finales. Incidentally, fresh straw-
berries—which fight brut champagne—are
terrific with the sweeter bubblies. There seems
to be a trend lo sweeter champagne. Veuve
Clicquot, a grande marque, 15 promoting ils
demi-sec as a dessert champagne.

1 hope that you can settle a heated argu-
ment. I say that you should always rewind
cassette tapes to the end so that the portion
containing the music won't react with the
air. Several nonaudiophile friends say that
I'm just being picky, Who is correct i
case?— B. B., Baton Rouge, Lo

In theory, you are correct, in that. it is
preferable to rewind a tape rather than have
a middle portion of it exposed to dust and oth-
er elements. However, we've been told that
some experts feel that rewinding a tape before
storage is not necessarily a good idea, either,
because the rewind occurs at a high speed and
binds the tape tightly to one of the hubs on the
cassetle. A better idea to maximize the life of
jour tape is to let it play out completely at reg-
ular speed and store it that way. Then rewind
it the nest time you are ready to use it. Hav
ing the tape play oul at normal speed means
that it is not wound quite so tightly around
one hub of the cassette.

IN: long ago. 1 went shopping —an ac
ity I usually loathe—with my girlfriend.
But this time, it was different. She found
an evening gown—an attractive piece of
flowing black silk. She liked it on the hang-
er. To my surprise, I liked it, too. She went
into the dressing room to try it on while I
waited outside. She opened the door of the
dressing room and the dress looked great
Then she turned around, revealing,
was backless. She invited me into the
g room and asked me how I liked it
I said I liked it a lot. She asked me again
how I is time unshouldering the
dress, letting it pool onto the floor and
stepping out of it. Then she sat me down
on the little chair that was in one corner of
the room, unzipped my trousers and st
ed to give me a fabulous blow job. It was
then that I started to think about, among
other things, store security and whether
there was surveillance equipment monitor-
ing the dressing rooms. These though
disappeared when she, still holding me in
her mouth, thumbed her panties down her
legs, grabbed me by my cock and inserted
me inside her. I reached orgasm very
quickly thereafter. We both emerged from
the room with smiles on our faces. My
question is, Does this sort of thing go on a
lot in dressing rooms, and how likely is it

that we were watched by store security2—
J. В. Boston, Massachusetts.

We suspect that this sort of thing happens
all the time, especially in higher-quality
stores. There is something very exciting to
women about shopping, and thank goodness
its something they want to share with us. As
for the security issue, its safe to assume that
discount stores with a high volume will have
tighter surveillance measures than upscale
department or designer stores. And it makes
sense that, as long as you buy some things,
whatever it is that puts you in the mood to do
so behind closed doors won't bother the stores
management.

WV hats with the paint job on new cars?
A friend of n i

a black fu looks like
brushed. u can see the
swirls in the surface. We wonder, is it a

problem with the waxing? Does it take
more elbow grease?—S. P, Dallas, Texas.

Whatever you learned about waxing cars
from your dad is pretty much a thing of the
past (unless, of course, you're still driving
your dad’ car). Cars used 10 be painted with
lacquer, enamel or acrylic paints, which
would oxidize or breathe into the atmosphere.
A good high-speed buffing would take off the
layers of oxidized grunge. You could work
scratches out with a good rubbing compound
or 2000-grit wet sand. Nowadays, on most
cars, the paint is covered with a layer of clear
coat, П prevents paint oxidation from cun-
laminating the atmosphere, but it is much
more susceptible to scratches and environ
mental debris. You can try a commercial swirl
remover or a low-speed buffer to remove the
grunge, but you can burn through the clear
coat rather quickly. You don't want to practice
‘on your own pride and joy. We recommend a
trip to a professional detailing outfil.

Since you promise to answer questions
of taste and etiquette, heres one that in-
volves both. 1 enjoy going down on a lover
as part of foreplay. But an etiquette ques-
tion arises during the first time with а new
lover, and I dont think Miss Manners
would answer this onc. When I kiss my
lover again afterward, my mouth may not
taste very appealing. 1 don't mind tasting
her, but she may not want to taste herself
secondhand—and | have a mustache.
What is the considerate thing to do? Keep
a clean damp washcloth or a bowl of lemon
wedges on the bedside table? Trot off to the
bathroom to brush and gargle? We can
talk about ît afterward, but I want to have a
tasteful solution to offer the first time.
Surely, this problem has a wide-enough ap-
plication to warrant publication —J. R.,
Daytona Beach, Florida.

We think youre being too sensitive for your
own good. If you and your partner enjoy the
give-and-take of oral sex, neither of you
should be hung up on the aftermath. Which
do you really prefer—the laste of a woman or
the medicinal taste of mouthwash? What
kind of message are you sending to your
lover—that her genitals are dirty, but her

mouth is not? That you feel dirtied by oral
sex? Uf the mustache were а problem, you
could offer to shave between courses. Or deal
with it in a more romantic manner—try
placing light kisses along your partners body
as you make your way to her lips. Or do a U-

turn and give her a couple of more orgasms.

She'll be so excited, she'll be willing to endure
house cleaning for you

While 1 was working on my laptop com-
puter, it lost power. Somehow, my disk got
fried in the process and, of course, its the
one disk for which I didn't have a backup. I
would have liked to resurrect the files I
lost, but the drive wouldn't even recognize
the disk. AIL I got was ABORT. RETRY. FAIL If
this happens again, what should | do2—
С. E, Denver, Colorado.

No guarantees, but, yes, Ihere is hope.
There are a couple of very good utility pro-
grams that may do the trick on a personal
computer (UBM or IBM clone). One is Nor-
ton Utilities Advanced Edition, version 4.5.
Earlier versions of Norton couldn't bring
bach a disk as far gone as the one you de-
scribe, but the latest one can rebuild the EAT.
(File Allocation Tables). You can also buy an-
other program, Mace Gold. Norton has a
slick menu system—the Norton Integrator—
Mace doesn't. Mace has a great backup pro-
gram; Norton doesn't. Both programs are
discounted to about $90 each. For a Macin-
tosh, the state-of-the-art utility is called SUM
11 (formerly Symantec Utilities) and it costs
about $150. These repair programs are like
aspirin—we don't know why they work, but
they do. Anyone using disks on a regular ba-
sis needs a safety net.

И know that sex feels good, but is it good
for you? Are there any health benefits to
regular sex?—D. W, Chicago, Illinois

A few years ago, we reported that a regular
sex life seemed to cut down the chance of
prostate cancer in men. Now comes the news
that regular sexual activity can help prevent
кош in fertile men by reducing serum-uric-
acid levels. We could use this opportunity to
make a joke about one joint swelling to pre-
vent another from doing the same—but we
won. One of our editors revealed that 20
years ago, а diagnosis of gout kept him from
being drafted, That should tell you something
about his college sex life.

АШ reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

Dial The Playboy Advisor on the Air and
hear Playmates answer questions. Or record
your own question! Call 1-900-740-3311;
two dollars per minute.

Also available
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THE PLAYBOY FORUM

THE EMPEROR'S”
NEW ADDICTION

In my nine years as a sex therapist,
Гуе treated hundreds of individuals
and couples. Гуе worked with various
people who couldn't get it up, couldn't
get it off. couldn't get enough, didn't
want to do it and who were, sexually
speaking, afraid of their own shadows.
But I've never treated a single sex ad-
dict. That is because sexual addiction
does not exist.

It doesn't exist becau:
it’s a set of moral beliefs
disguised as science; it’s a
new twist on an old
theme: sex as sickness.

(In our own century, sex-
as-sickness believers al-
ready have tried to cure
masturbation, oversexed
women and homosexual-

) Believers say you
shouldn't use sex to make
yourself feel good. You
shouldn't have fantasies
about things you
wouldn't do. You
shouldn't have sex with-
out love and commit-
ment. And if you make
poor sexual decisions,
you are out of control.

Propagated by media
shrinks, self-help authors
and addictionologists,
sex addiction is a concept
rejected by almost all
sex therapists, yet it
has become the trendy
new disease.

Why? First, because
"sex addicts" are told
that they have a disease
for which they cant be
blamed and. hence, can
avoid taking responsibility for their be-
havior. Second, because anyone who
calls himself a sex addict is accepted as
опе. Third, because support groups
(such as Sexaholics Anonymous) pro-
vide a ready-made set of “friends” with
similar problems. Fourth, beeause a
high percentage of “sex addicts" are
covering substance abusers who love

By Marty Klein

being in recovery. Being a "sex addict"
allows support-group junkies to stay in
the warm cocoon in which they feel safe
and accepted

The concept of sexual addiction trivi-
alizes sexuality. It ignores the punished
childhood impulses at the source of
much sexual guilt, It ignores the ag-
gression, the lust for power and the

greedy demands to be pleasured that
are all part of normal sexuality. And it
ignores the healthy desire for sexual ex-
pression that is part of even the most in-
effective sexual strategies.
Unfortunately, the concept of sex ad-
diction makes sexual therapy more d
ult. Like sufferers of alcohol or drug
dependence, patients are less willing to

accept a therapist who has not himself
been in a recovery group. And when a
therapist points out an example of sel
defeating behavior, a common response
is, “That’s my addiction talking.’

Any professional who goes along
with the concept of sex addiction be-
trays the integrity of therapy. The
therapist's job 15 to empower people,

while addicts must admit
that they are powerless.
The therapists job is to
help people accept their
rage, fear and sadness
about having been mis-
treated or psychological-
ly abandoned; addicts
are told that the people
who mistreated them.
(generally their parents)
were themselves blame-
less victims of addictions,
Real therapists dont try
to snatch guilt away from
clients. They patiently
help them approach it,
understand the source of
it, realize that it's obsolete
and gradually let it go.
Sex addicts are told
that they have nothing to
feel guilty about and are
taught to feel better
about themselves one d;
al a time. Yer at the
of successful therapy, the
client should not accept
himself one day at a time.
He should simply accept
himself. He should have
learned that sex isnt
dangerous and that he
doesnt have to. monitor
himself for a relapse. In-
stead, he should be aware of his
impulses and understand his decision-
making process. He is a grownup—not
a recovered addict.

Marty Klein is a licensed marriage and.
Jamily counselor and sex therapist and the
author of the book “Your Sexual Secrets: When
to Keep Them, How to Share Them.”

R E

ABORTION
My tax dollars buy food for a
lot of foreign citizens; I dont
mind their buying food for
American-born babies. I never
considered your magazine ob-
scene until I read your “Abortion
Debate Scrapbook” (The Playboy

Forum, November).

Ricky Hatheld

Pompano Beach, Florida

The Playboy Forum lately has
been dominated by Playboy's edi-
torial support of the pro-choice
movement. Let me be more accu-
rate: the pro-choice-for-women-
only movement. Apparently, only
women should be able to insist, “I
dont want the responsibility of
caring for a child” Men also
want the right to say, "I don't
want this child. If someone else
does, let the child live and let him
eare for it.” It is a cop-out for
Playboy to remain silent while its
readers can be forced into 18 to 21
years of unwanted parenthood.

Fredric Hayward,
Executive Director

Men's Rights, Inc.

Sacramento, California

Playboy has not remained silent
about this issue. See Asa Babers
comments in the January "Men"
column, “The Decade of the Dad.”
We don't need to take a survey to
know that some women lie about
whether they are using birth con-
trol. The moral: Men should take
proper precautions, If you don't
want 18 to 21 years of child-sup-
port payments—protect yourself.

1 believe abortion is morally
wrong. However, the cowardice
shown by the Supreme Court
about it is appalling. Is it so
difficult for the highest Court in
America to make a stand on a
woman's right to choose for herself?

Neal H. Ross
Clark AFB, Philippines

lam personally against abortion, but I
believe in letting the abortion decision be
a personal one.

Charles E. Bratcher HI
Manassas, Virginia

Until the anti-abortionists become con-
cerned with the state of existence rather

E R

FOR THE RECORD

THE COST ОЕ

INTOLERANCE

“Moralistic intolerance, when embedded in the
law, creates unjust stigmatization and criminaliza-
tion of people who engage in private, consenting
sexual conduct. Intolerance does not stop premari-
tal sex. It does not even reduce extramarital sex.
Intolerance cannot prevent homosexual sex. Nor
does it preserve the pro-patriarchal family. Intoler-
ance can never make America a respected world
power. Instead, intolerance produces pain, suffer-
ing ant
200 years ago, ‘We have just enough re
make us hate but not enough to make us love one
another. Despite the claim ‘to hate the sin but to
love the sinner,’ moralistic intolerance remains
more than enough to make us hate but far from
enough to make us love one another.”
— DONALD L MOSHER, Ph.D., in

The Journal of Sex Research

slice. Jonathan Swift said mor

than the fact of existence, many children
will continue to be physically, sexually
and emotionally abused. Pro-lifers don't
advocate life—they advocate birth.
(Name and address
withheld by request)

Thank you for your pro-choice posi-
tion. I backed out of an abortion in 1984.
I received. more compassion from the
doctor who was going to perform the
abortion than from the misnamed pro-

than
ion to

lifers. I call those self-righteous
people what they really are: pro-
vengeance. Of course, while I
was pregnant, I wasn't much bet-
ter than a pro-lifer. Although 1
didn't harass abortion patients, I
feltsmugand morally superior to.
those who'd had abortions. I ex-
ploited my fetus to play holier
than thou. However, 1 was pre-
pared to carry my pregnancy
through—unlike those who ter-
rorize others in crisis pregnan-
cies. They want others to be
martyrs for thei

Mary Simas

San Francisco, California

Whatever one feels about Roe
vs. Wade, it is obvious that an ex-
tremely effective method of birth
control would reduce the num-
ber of abortions. Unfortunately,
only $9,000,000 per year is being
spent in the United States for the
development of new contracep-
tives. According to Planned Par-
enthood, the US. Office of
Technology Assessment has
recommended that $200,000,000
be spent on biomedical research
on reproduction. Maybe now
that the Cold War is drawing to a
close, we can put some of the de-
fense money into something real-
ly worth while.

M. Schwartz
Baltimore, Maryland

ANTICHRISTIAN?

Why do you imply in your
magazine that a Christian back-
ground causes sex problems in
people?

Beverly McDonald
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Weve never implied that a
Christian background causes sexu-
al problems; we think that a re-
pressed background can cause
sexual problems. We don't think
that the two are necessarily the same.

FLAG BURNING

Playboy should put a small image of the
American flag on its cover. That would
give the Reverend Donald Wildmon and
other bonfire boys pause when they tried
to toss issues of Playboy into their back-
yard infernos of books, records, tapes
and magazines.

Jefferson P Swycaffer
San Diego, California

R E

ss, P

о N

S E

PEACE OF MIND

“Devil or Dove?” ("Newsfront,"
Playboy Forum, November) reports that

payments from money deposited with
The Lincoln.

The examiners concluded that Keat-
ing was operating Lincoln in an unsafe
Investigators examining the S&l.had manner and recommended that the Fed-

some Texas students are forbidden to their phones tapped and found that its eral Home Loan Bank Board take action.
wear peace signs because the symbols employees had doctored files to remove — But in April 1987, five U.S. Senators inter-
represent Satan. For the school officials evidence of noncompliance with Federal успе. Keating had made political con-

at Pi
trict:
semaphore signals for the
letters N (flags held at four
and eight o'clock) and D
(flags held at 12 and six
o' dock). N.D. is an abbr
tion for nuclear disarma-
ment If Texas school
officials insist on advancing
falsehoods and curtailing
the free speech of their stu-
dents, they should be more
accurate and ban symbols
that are actually used in sa-
tanic worship: five-pointed
stars and five-sided poly-
gons. They can start by ban-
ning the American flag and
pictures of the Pentagon

David Cohen

Shaker Heights. Ohio

KEATING

In recent years, a number
of public figures dedicated
to interfering with other
people's morals have turned
out to have severe blind
spots of their own. The lat-
est case of such an amoral
moralist is that of Charles
H. Keating, Jr, founder of
the a tipornography organi-
zation Citizens for Decer
Through Law and a central
figure in the national sav-
ings-and-loan disaster.

According to the testimo-
ny of Federal bank regula-
tors before the House
Banking Committee, dur-
ing the period that Keating
owned Lincoln Savings and
Loan Association based in
Irvine, California, the S&L
lost billions to risky invest-
ments. Large sums were
transferred from Lincoln's
Federally insured deposits
to American Continental
Corporation, a holding com-
pany also owned by Keating.
He and members of his fam-
Пу took $34,000,000 in
salaries, bonuses and other

Ann
Landers

Ann Joins the
Sexual Revolution

We can now measure the dimensions of the sex-
ual revolution. Ann Landers’ reply to the following
letter, which ran November 5, 1989, is a high-water
mark, of sorts What next?

ear Ann Landers: A while back you printed a

letter from a woman whose husband wanted to

spice up their lovemaking. He insisted on ty-

ing her hands and feet with silk scarves. She

refused, saying it was “sadistic.” You called
him “kinky.”

Bondage can be fun. My girlfriend and I have
enjoyed it for years. Sometimes we reverse roles.
She is the binder and I am the “bindee.” There is
no slapping, hitting or clothespins on the breasts.
The key words are “mutual consent.”

We play another game called make believe. We
take turns making up situations to act out; for exam-
ple, I pick her up in a bar and pretend that she is a
hooker. We play our respective roles and it's very
stimulating. Another scenario: She is a lonely work-
ing woman who is spending yet another evening.
alone, wondering why romance has eluded her. An
attractive man shows up to repair the furnace. Your
imagination can take over from there.

Granted, these games are not for everyone, but
they can enhance lovemaking to an incredible de-
gree. Sign me

Hedonist in Woodland Hills, California

Dear Woody: The mail on that subject was
mind-boggling. I had no idea so many people
in the United States and Canada were tying
each other up. The final word from here is—
whatever turns you on is OK so long as there is
mutual consent and no inflicting of pain.

lena Independent School Dis- regulations. One regulators wife was of- — tributions totaling more than $1,300,000

"he peace symbol derives from the fered a job with American Continental. — to the five— Dennis DeConcini and John

McCain of Arizona, Alan
Cranston of California,
Donald Riegle, Jr., of Michi-
gan and John Glenn of
Ohio, According w the reg-
ulators, the contributions:
came out of Lincoln's de-
posits. The Senators met
with regulators from the
Federal Home Loan Bank
board and the examiners
who had been investigating
Lincoln were taken off the
case.

Lincoln had a campaign
to persuade 23,000 deposi-
tors and investors, mostly re-
trees living in the Los
Angeles area, 10 transfer
their savings from Federally
insured accounts to high-
risk, high-yield bonds issued.
by American Continental.

A sccond investigation be-
gun in 1988 concluded that
Lincoln was insolvent, and
the Government took con-
trol of the S&L on April 14,
1989. One day before the
seizure, Keating put Ameri-
can Continental into bank-
ruptcy, rendering worthless
the bonds it had sold to Lin-
colns depositors. Many in-
vestors lost their lile savings.

The more than two-year
delay raised the cost of the
failure, to be borne by tax-
payers, to two billion dollars,
the most expensive S&L
bailout to date.

The Government has filed
а 1.l-billion-dollar civil suit
against Keating and Lin-
coln, charging fraud and
racketeering.

Keating denies all wrong-
doing and scoffs at charges
against him as the product
of a vendetta being conduct-
ed by “a few nameless bu-
reaucrats.”

Keating founded Citizens for Decent
Literature (later called Citizens for De-
cency Through Law) in the late
Fifties in Cincinnati, where he helped
make that city’s name as synonymous
with prudery as Boston's once had been.
One of his triumphs was a suit to have the
erotic play Oh! Calcutta! banned in the
сіу.

He was President Nixon's sole ap-
pointee to the Federal Commission on
Obscenity and Pornography. When the
majority of the commissioners an-
nounced their conclusion that pornogra-
phy probably does not cause antisocial
sexual behavior, Keating launched an at-
tack on the findings, warning that “the
moral fiber of our nation seems to be
rapidly unraveling” and declaring that
“laws prohibiting obscenity and pornog-
raphy have played an important role in
the creativity and excellence of our sys-
tem and our society—these laws have
played an important part in our people
coming so far and achieving so muc

Those duped by Keating's "junk-
bond” high-risk investments and devel-
opment-projects scam and the taxpayers
who will ultimately bear the two-billion-
dollar cost of Lincoln's demise may also
be convinced that the moral fiber of our
nation is unraveling, but not because of
pornography.

One victim, a 78 year old woman, told
the House Banking Committee, “When
senior citizens lose their life savings, they
lose not only the money but something
more important. They have failed—
themselves, their children, their fami-
lies—and . . . they feel that there is
nothing left for them to believe in.”

Robert Shea
Glencoe, Illinois

Keating is a familiar figure to us. In
1963, Hef devoted part of an installment of
“The Playboy Philosophy” to the bombastic
babble of Cincinnatis repressive son. For
more on Keating, see box at right.

BORN AGAIN BUT OPEN-MINDED

Sometimes I think that I'm the only
born-again Christian on the planet who
feels that everyone has а right to his own
beliefs.

I may believe abortion is murder—but.
lam a pro-choice activist. I may find
some television objectionable, but I turn
off the set. And I may disagree with
Wildmon, Falwell, et al., but I'm not in
their face telling them that they are
wrong.

Dawn M. Francisco
Renton, Washington

Make your voice heard om issues of the
day. Dial The Playboy Mailbox, 1-900-740-
3311, and leave your comments; two dollars
per minute.

BER

CH (RIES I ШАП, EDS

The Kinsey scientists "disseminate, directly and indirectly, their
absurd and dirty bleatings and pagan ideas. . . . It seems strange
to me that we credit . . . so-called experts but ignore the over-
whelming testimony of the true experts like . . . J. Edgar Hoover.”

“Why disbelieve the countless clergymen, who, from their
flocks, know these ['girlie'] magazines cause masturbation and
other immoral behavior among boys.”

"|... take for granted that most people think that [masturba-
tion] is a very bad thing and very dangerous to the health and
moral welfare, physical and mental, of the people who have the
habit. But we had a psychiatrist on the stand in Cincinnati recently
for the defense, who said, sure, these magazines stimulate the
average person to sexual activity, but it would be sexual activity
which would have a legitimate outlet. The prosecutor said to him,
‘Doctor, what is a legitimate or socially acceptable outlet for an
eighteen-year-old unmarried boy?’ The doctor answered, ‘Mas-
turbation’ When you are met with that kind of situation, you
begin to wonde: testimony before the House Subcommittee
on Postal Operations, 1963, speaking as a self-appointed porn
expert

“For a Presidential commission to have labored for two years at
the expense to the taxpayers of almost $2,000,000 and arrive at
the conclusion that pornography is harmless must strike the aver-
age American as the epitome of Government gone berserk"—
from his statement on The Report of the Commission on Obscenity
and Pornography, September 30, 1970, writing as а Nixon ap-
pointee to the commission

“Sure. You can legislate morality. .. . America has so much to
love and to treasure. We need to protect it. To protect our values.
Sometimes, even in a free society, it becomes necessary to stop ex-
cesses. The Attorney General's commission demonstrated that the
time has come for the pornography industry to be stopped. To
bring America back to moral health, we need now to vomit these
vermin out and let them roil down the gutters to the sewers where
they belong with their evil merchandise.

"God bless the Attorney General's commission on pornography.
Go ahead. Legislate morality. Then enforce the laws.”—from his
article "Let's Get Rid of the Porn Vermin” in the July 18, 1986, Los
Angeles Times, writing as chairman of the board of American Con-
tinental Corporation

“Ninety percent of the judges of this nation are pol
that can't make a living practicing law. . . . They're being used to-
day by the American Civil Liberties Union, specifically in the
pornography field“—from his 1986 speech to Citizens Concerned
for Community Values, an antipornography group

“On the advice of counsel, I respectfully exercise my constitu-
tional prerogative and privilege and decline to answer questions
here today— Keating to the House Banking Committ
November 21, 1989, declining to answer questions rega
role in the collapse of the Lincoln Savings and Lean Association

NEWS Е R ON T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

NOW RECRUITS? ИН

A study published in The Journal of
Sex Research reports that “male pornog-
raphy theater patrons expressed mow
favorability toward women and women's

issues than [did] the college women" also
studied. The authors of the report con-
clude that “erotica is benign (or even
positive)” and there is “no support for
the hypothesis that pornography invari-
ably produces negative altitudes toward
women.”

LOS ANGELES—An official testifying on
behalf of the Right lo Life League of
Southern California said that their cen-
ters used free pregnancy tests as а "hook"
and a “marketing device” to draw women
into the clinics to hear anti-abortion lec-
tures. The superior court judge ordered
the operators of 25 such centers to stop
providing pregnancy tesis as part of an
attempt to talk women ош of abortions
and—unless they become medically li-
censed—to stop advertising in the "clinic"
section of telephone books.

AROSE BY ANY OTHER МАМЕ

LOS ANGELES—The Hells Angels Motor-
cycle Corporation is suing the producers
of the movie "Nam Angels,” which depicts
some Hell's Angels as mercenaries in Viet
nam. A spokesman said that the movie
contains unauthorized use of the corpora-

tions name, logos and patches. And, he
added, club members were upset by the
story line.

THE HIGHT IS ON IN FLORIDA =

ORLANDO—When the Reverend Don-
ald Wildmon came to town to help or-
ganize a chapter of the American Family
Association, he was greeted by more than
1000 protesters wearing yellow arm bands
to symbolize their opposition to censorship.
The Florida A.FA. had recently declared
war on family video stores in Orlando. An
anticensorship talk-show host who is
against the А.ЕА.5 effort to dictate com-
munity standards organized the protest.

miami—Playboy, Waldenbooks, the
American Booksellers Association and
several groups of magazine distributors
filed suit against the Florida American
Family Association in Federal court. They
charged that the Florida A.F.A. and its di-
rector, David Caton, had violated the Fed-
eral. Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt
Organizations Act (RICO), as well as scu-
eral Florida laws, by sending retailers a
threatening letter stating that they had vi-
olated Florida law by selling magazines
that advertise X-rated videos. (Playboy
does not accept such ads.) He had also
threatened to make complaints to law-
enforcement agencies and to subject the
retailers to public ridicule. Michael Bam-
berger, counsel for Media Coalition, said,
“We're not out to enjoin the А.ЕА. from
picketing or other First Amendment—pro-
tected activities, But we must draw the
line at illegal activities and this threaten-
ing letter amounts to extoriion."

MISSISSIPPI MADNESS

BRANDON, mississipi— William Henry
Pittman, Jr, is serving a 20-year sentence
Jor making the wrong kind of home video.
Pittman met several local women who
worked for a local escort service and
video-laped them while they performed
oral sex in his home. He hadn't asked for
1.D.s and the women were 17. Later, when
they were busted as prostitutes by under
cover cops, they mentioned the video tapes.
Failing to uncover a major kiddie
pornographer (the videos were for
Pitiman’s own use), the cops charged him
with everything from child exploitation to
sodomy to a violation of the Mann Act.
When we talked with Pittman, h
plained the injustice: “In Mississippi, it is

not against the law to have sex with a 14-
year-old. It is, however, against the law to
photograph the act. Essentially, I ат serv-
ing twenty years for the same crime for
which Rob Lowe gol twenty hours of com-
munity service.”

LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA—Some months
ago, the Long Beach Unified School Dis-
trict warned its students to avoid wearing
Natas sportswear because the name
spelled backward is Satan. A spokesman
for the clothing company protested that
Natas spelled forward is the name of
Natas Kaupas, а 21-year-old professional
skate-boarder who appears in videos and
is part owner of the Natas line of skate
boards and outfits. “Нез Lithuanian,” the
spokesman said. “Thats his name.”

- THETAXMAN COMETH

MADISON. WISCONSIN— Claiming that it
has the authority to tax food and drink
served in the air às well as on the ground,
the state of Wisconsin is putting the bite
on Republic Airlines for $69,000—plus

$21,000 in interest—the amount the state
says it owes for food and drink taxes from
1981 to 1984. The amount was calculated
on the basis of aircraft overfüghts, regard-
less of whether the planes took off from or.
landed in Wisconsin. A state tax attorney
argues that being over the state is the same
as being in the state.

Call me a sentimentalist, call me a ro-
mantic, but when Saint Valentine’s Day
rolls around every year, I am reminded
that it marks the anniversary of that win-
try day in Chicago in 1929 when Al
Capone's bootleggers machine-gunned
six members of the Bugs Moran gang.
The Saint Valentines Day Massacre
helped convince Americans that
years of Prohibition was not only failing
to stop alcohol abuse but actually making
it worse. In fact, it was making every-
thing worse: It reduced the country’s so-
cial drinking but made drunkenness
fashionable; it produced unprecedented
gang violence and political corruption; it
acted as a growth hormone to the organ-
ized crime that has since
become a permanent and
crippling feature of
American society. In
short, Prohibition
was а "noble experi-
ment” that blew up
in the country’s face.

Read about it in a
February 15, 1929,
Wisconsin News
article headlined
"US. DRUNKENNESS IN-
CREASES—SHOW — IN-
TOXICATION GAIN
UNDER DRY LAW,”
which appears on
Page six of the same
edition that reports
the Saint Valentine's
Day Massacre. In-
cluded in the artide are
statistics from a national survey of 584
police departments the previous year:

“In 584 towns, cities or localities, ar-
rests for drunkenness increased from
640,125 in 1924 to 676,708 in 1925; to
695,928 in 1926; and to 707,104 in 1927.
In 518 places, arrests for drunkenness
in 1927 reached 238 percent of the
figures available for 1920, the first year of
national Prohibition, which was the low-
est year for drunkenness.” This doesn't
mean that more people took up drinking
under Prohibition; at first, alcohol con-
sumption was reduced by about half. But
it soon started climbing back toward pre-
Prohibition levels and, worse, more pco-
ple were drinking to excess—especially
the young, for whom moral lawbreaking
has always had a certain allure

‘The story includes a statement en-
dorsed by many prominent citizens advo-
cating that Prohibition be repealed: “We
cannot escape the conclusion that [Prohi-
bition] has failed utterly to do what it was
intended to do; namely, promote temper-
ance and sobriety. . ..

“We are also of the firm conviction that
such a policy of wise restriction would
have the incidental advantage of elimi-
nating almost entirely the scandalous
corruption and bribery of public officials,
would stop the growth of the bootlegging
industry, would check disrespect for law
and would in addition produce a hand-
some national revenue.”

The philosopher George Santayana

X
»

said that "those who cannot remember
the past are condemned to repeat it"—
and the past is repeating itself. Drugs are
a cheaply manufactured commodity at-
tractive to young experimenters and to
those with no other source of relief from
unpleasant reality. And because drugs
are illegal, they are enormously prof-
itable. The principal players are a new
breed of U.S. and South American pro-
ducers and smugglers, too reckless and
violent to be controlled even by our pow-
erful indigenous criminal organiza-
tions—much less by the police or the
ary Just as in the Twenties, the
neighborhood gangs that formerly
were concerned with turf and toughness
have used profits from contraband to
evolve into multibillion-dollar criminal

enterprises. Just as competition led boot-
leggers to adopt the Thompson subma-
chine gun, drug dealers have taken up
the Uzi and the MAC-10.

Alcohol Prohibition in the Twenties
and drug prohibition today are solutions
by reformers who think that “Just say no”
and zero tolerance are the answers to
substance-abuse problems. It didn't work
then and it’s not working now. Today, the
corruption goes far beyond the local
politician and policeman, all the way to
agencies of the U.S. Government and the
leaders of foreign states whose economies
now are dependent on the American
drug market. A massacre of the kind that
made national headlines out of Chicago
in 1929 occurs far
more frequently 60
years later.

If the legacy of Pro-
hibition was national-
ly organized crime,
the legacy of drug
prohibition is a new
and more deadly in-
ternational version of
the same. Add to that
the street crime—
mugging, robbery,
burglary, theft, home
invasion—necessary
10 supply the money
for drugs whose high
costs are guaranteed
by laws and enforce-
ment policies that
keep the products
enormously profit-
able. Drug-related crime could be largely
eliminated by removing the profits; most
agree on that. But most also fear that
legalization would destroy America like
one great neutron bomb—killing the
people without hurting the buildings.

So far, nobody has proposed the most
radical solution of all: Legalize domestic
pot to take it completely out of the crime
picture; decriminalize the sale of hard
drugs to drive down the price and the
profits; and penalize hard-drug use un-
der whatever circumstances please drug
foes. Drug abuse would remain a prob-
lem, like alcohol abuse. But that's an indi-
vidual problem, more a medical than a
legal matter and no more or less manage-
able than any other intractable social
disease. — WILLIAM J HELMER

WANTED:

er
RRA

EXPE

Congress of the United States

House of Representatives * Washington, B.C. 20515

Dear Colleague:

Our nation's youth are being drawn into drug trafficking because of the enor-
mous amounts of cash made from selling illegal narcotics. I recently introduced

the Bounty Hunter Act of 1989 to effectively fight this dangerous condition and

the allure of enormous profits.

My approach is simple: Make it more profitable to turn in a drug pusher than to
become one. The Bounty Hunter Act provides that citizens who turn in drug dealers
receive 50 percent of the value of the assets seized by—and forfeited to—Federal
Taw-enforooment officials upon conviction of the dealer. In other words, turn in
a pusher with an expensive home, yacht, Car or plano bought from drug profits, and
you get half of the value of those tainted luxuries.

Currently. would-be informants have little incentive to do the right thing and
turn in the vicious drug dealers terrorizing our nation's streets—urban, suburban
and rural! The lure of big money to be made by getting drawn into the drug trade is
simply too strong. It's time to show those who want to do what is right that their
courage in going against the tide of drug abuse is going to be duly recognized and
amply rewarded.

If Congress can create the incentive for citizens to become involved at all
levels. we can begin to win the war against drugs. I am proud to have as cosponsors
of Bounty Hunter Representatives Charlie Rangel and Larry Coughlin, chairman and
vice-chairman of the Select Committee on Narcotics Abuse and Control. Additionally,
a look at the other cosponsors of H.R. 3346 (listed below) further confirms the
bipartisan appeal of this legislation.

I invite—and urge—you to join us in declaring war on drugs by becoming a cospon—
sor to the Bounty Hunter Act of 1989... - Thank you.

Sincerely,

Dick Schulze
Member of Congress

Cosponsors of H.R. 5546: Messrs- Rangel. Coughlin, Bennett, Walker, Wilson,
Livingston, Chapman, Combest, Porter. Condit, Armey, Nielson, Lipinski. Whittaker.
Inhofe and Oxley-

РР

The story broke last Thanksgiving.
The New York Times declared: “ams
STUDY WARNS OF WOMEN'S FALSE SENSE OF SE
CURITY IN ‘SAFE sex." The Chicago Trib-
une was more direct: “MAN INFECTS И
WOMEN WITH AIDS VIRUS."

One man living in Belgium had in-
fected 11 women with HIV. The women
were for the most part white, middle
dass and married; they had averaged
two and a half sexual partners over a
three-year period. The man was nei-
ther a drug addict nor a bisexual. Two
of the women had caught the AIDS
virus after a single encounter.

The media had found a heterosexual
"Iyphoid Mary—equivalent to the Pa-
tient Zero that Randy Shilts immortal-
ized in And the Band Played On.

Ме checked out the source of the sto-
ту, a report in The New England Journal
of Medicine, and found that for once,
the facts were pretty much as stated.
But the media had missed the most im-
portant part of the story.

Heterosexual transmission in the
US. is rare (about fivc percent of cascs).
In Belgium, however, 66 percent of all
patients with AIDS have become infect-
ed through heterosexual contacts. For
the past five years, patients in Brussels
and Antwerp have been offered partici-
pation in a pilot program of partner
notification. Four women who tested
HIV-positive named the same man as a
possible source of their infection. None
was willing to notify him, so the pro-
gram tracked him down. He turned

ТЯ

Base

THE CASE FOR

ош to be a civil engineer from central
Africa who tested positive for HIV. He
could remember the names of 19 sexual
partners. He did not want to notify any
of them, so again the program acted.
When investigators found the other
women, all but one agreed to be tested.
Seven of them were found to be HIV-
positive. That brought the number of

female sexual partners of the index pa-
tient who tested HIV-positive to П. Six
of these women named a total of eight
male sexual partners; all eight agreed
to be tested. One of them was HIV-
positive, and he named two female sex-
ual partners, who tested negative.

“The follow-up to these cases consti-

CONTACT TRACING |

Reprinted from The New England Journal of Medicine

tutes an impressive argument for con-
tact tracing. According to The New
England Journal of Medicine: “Two and
a half years after the initial counseling
and testing, six of the 11 HIV-seroposi-
tive women were still attending an HIV
clinic. Five of them had engaged in
monogamous relationships with part-
ners who used condoms consistently,
and one woman had been sexually ab-
stinent for the entire period. All five
male sex partners remained HIV-anti-
body negative. One of the women,
knowing her HIV status, decided to
postpone pregnancy"

"The index patient who had infected
all of these women ceased having sex.

The chief American strategies for
preventing AIDS have been to target
risk groups and/or to issue blanket
warnings that tend to be ignored by
people who do not perceive themselves
to be at risk. Education is necessary, but
is it as effective as direct contact trac-
ing? None of the people in Belgium be-
lieved they were at risk; none knew that
they could infect somconc clsc. Oncc
armed with the knowledge that they
had the virus, they could make real
decisions, moral decisions. And they
could avail themselves of current treat-
ments that postpone the fatal conse-
quences of AIDS.

In America, opponents of contact
tracing argue that it is an invasion of
privacy. The Belgian story, with its
quiet, compassionate counseling of vic-
tims, offers important lessons.

HOW /

Michael Fumento, author of The Myth of Heterosexual
AIDS, suggests that a false sense of security is as American
as apple pie. He makes an interesting point. During the
eight years when fewer than 2500 heterosexually transmit-
ted cases were reported to the Centers for Disease Control,
"about 380,000 Americans, the vast majority of whom.
were white heterosexuals, were killed in automobile acci-
dents. About 10,000,000 more suffered disabling injuries.
Almost half of those deaths and more than half of deaths.
and injuries combined could, according to the National
Highway and Transit Authority, have been prevented by
the simple buckling of a safety belt, an act the victim neg-
lected because he or she did not think the risk was great
enough. Indeed, a majority of Americans do not wear
safety belts. If we look at AIDS in the short-term future,
at the present rate of case reporting, there will be some-
where in the range of 1000 new native-born heterosexual

ERICANS REACT TO RISK

cases reported to the Centers for Disease Control during.
198 . During the same period, 475,000 Americans will
die of cancer and more than 750,000 of heart disease.

In fact, other than fairly spectacular rare occurrences,
such as shark attacks and maulings by wild animals, it is
difficult to name any broad category of death that will take
fewer lives than hetcrosexually transmitted AIDS. A mid-
dle-class non-IVDA [intravenous drug abuser] heterosexu-
al in the Chicago suburbs or in Orange County,
California—or, indeed, in almost any area of the coun-
try—has less of a chance of getting AIDS in the next
year than of being struck by lightning or drowning in a
bathtub. Most of us, while acknowledging the existence of
these threats, be they murder or drowning, do not live in
terror of them. Indeed, if heterosexuals treated other
risks as they were told to treat the threat of AIDS, lifeas we
know it would cease to exist.”

In some circles
“turkey’is the highest
praise you can
estow

WILD
URKEY

8 years old, 101 proof, pure Kentucky.

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Reporters Notebook

FREEDOM TO BURN

government, george bush style . .

wrap yourself in the american flag

while you burn the bill of rights

This has been a pretty good year for flag
burners, particularly in the Communist
countries, where in one peoples republic
ther, the hammer and sickle has
flames. And as each totalitarian
regime crumbles, Americans seem deter-
mined to become a bit less free. We have a
President whose juices seem to flow only
over the prospect of forcing the citizenry
to pledge allegiance to a flag that it must,
under threat of a year in Federal prison,
treat as a religious shroud.

Last summer, when the U.S. Supreme
Court—in a majority decision that includ-
ed two Reagan appointees—held that flag
burning was a manifestation of the free-
dom of speech guaranteed by the First
Amendment, George Bush's response was
to eliminate the constitutional safeguard.
He proposed, and a Senate majority en-
dorsed (though not by the requisite two
thirds), an amendment to the US. Con-
stitution that would have altered the Bill
of Rights for the first time in its 200-year
history.

As people throughout the world risk life
and limb to obtain a bill of rights, we seem
bent on demeaning our most valuable ex-
port. If we need some new laws, maybe
they should be aimed at Bill of Rights al-
terers rather than at flag burners.

Not that there has been much flag burn-
ing going on here. As New Hampshire's
Gorden Humphrey, arguably the Senate's
most conservative member, put it in voting
against Bush's constitutional amendment,
“One would think that America was
aflame with burning flags, when nothing
could be further from the truth." A few
kids tried it in Berkeley, but the dean for-
got to get their names and they soon ran
out of flags.

What the country is aflame with is Bill of
Rights burners, These are people, led by
the President, who just don't seem to un-
derstand that the exercise of freedom is an
inherently disruptive, chaotic and often
rowdy enterprise, whether it's practiced in
Tiananmen Square or in the park across
rom the White House, Free people make
mistakes of passion, style and judgment.
The point of the Bill of Rights is to defend
behavior that is offensive to the majority.
Political acts that do not hit at the raw
nerves of the majority are most often notin
need of constitutional protection. The fur-
ther a nation goes toward turning its flag

opinion By ROBERT SCHEER

to an icon, the more obvious the flag be-
comes as a target for those deeply upset
about something the majority is doing.
“But not the flag,” cries the President,
milking the moment at the monument to
the battle of Iwo Jima, with its heroic
Marines raising the banner after much
death and glory Surely there are many So-
viet and Chinese citizens who associate
their flags with heroic moments of intense
suffering. What the protesters often are

Chicaga art student "Dread" Scot! Tyler, 24,
is arrested an the steps af the U.S. Copitol
far setting the American flag on fire in protest.

saying is that current leaders are wrapping
themselves in past glories and by their
actions—be it in Afghanistan or Nica-
ragua—distorting the symbol. So they
strike back at the symbol—an act of dubi-
ous political wisdom, but it does make a
strong statement. Flag burning is not for
children. The decision to desecrate a na-
tional symbol ought to represent a mature
judgment on the sorry state of one’s nation.

But then again, the exercise of freedom
is never perfect, and who am I, or George

Bush, to ban students in a square in Peking
or Berkeley who feel the need for such
protest? Or Carlos Mendoza-Lugo, who
served seven months of a ycar's sentence
for burning the flag in front of a post office
in a protest for Puerto Rican independ-
ence? As long as the flames from the flag
don't burn our noses and we keep in mind
that we have some control over where we
stick our noses.

I am not arguing taste but, rather, con-
stitutionality. And on that, the Supreme
Court has spoken and Bush should follow.
The President has a right to say that “flag
burning is wrong,” but not to add, “I will
uphold our precious right to dissent, but
burning the flag goes too far and I want to.
see that matter remedied.”

As the nation’s highest constitutionally
designated leader, the President's primary
obligation is to strengthen rather than
weaken the separation of powers. He ıs not
the ultimate judge of what goes too far, nor
should he trivialize a profound debate on
free speech with snappish remarks.

George Bush cannot lead. He can obvi
ously get himself elected and even remai
popular, but if leadership means the ability
to educate and lift the public conscious
ness, he is and has long been a bust. The
man’s career has been marked by a pan-
dering to surface emotion for cynical poli
ical purpose, be it a matter of crime,
abortion or patriotism. As one political
consultant was quoted as saying, “It’s lead-
ership, George Bush style—find an issue
eighty percent of the people agree with
you on and step out in front of it.”

A more charitable view was offered by
an unnamed White House insider who
told the Los Angeles Times, “I'd have
thought the more Bush thought about it,
the more he'd understand the Supreme
Courts view I guessed wrong. There
are highbrow, legalistic arguments—free
speech and all of that—but it just doesn't
pass the common-sense test” of the
President.

Ugh. There it is. “Free spcech and all of
that.” Just highbrow stuff.

Not that the members of Congress,
Democratic and Republican, showed much
greater courage or wisdom. At a time
when the power and cohesion of this
country is manifest and external and inter-
nal enemies are meekly at bay, the false

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patriots nonetheless bellow alarms as if en-
ету armies were at the gates.

“What in God's name is going on?”
shouted Congressman Doug Applegate, an
Ohio Democrat who termed the Supreme
Courts decision “an outrage" and went on
to ask the burning question for the future
of American democracy, “What will they
allow next? Allow fornication in Times
Square at high noon?” Don't you love it?

More somber was Representative Ron
Marlenee, who spoke of “the treasonous
nature of the decision on the bench,”
adding that the six Servicemen in the Iwo
Jima memorial “were symbolically shot in
the back by five men in black robes.”

In contrast with the opportunistic
rhetoric rampant in the Congress, Bush

sounded restrained, even prissy: “I under-
stand the legal basis for that decision and I
respect the Supreme Court . . . but . . . flag

burning is wrong—dead wrong—and the
flag of the United States is very, very
special.”

ОЕ course it is—as are the flags of other
countries to their citizens. But among the
developed nations, only the Soviet Union
and the United States punish those who
desecrate the flag. In Russia, it's a two-year
stint in jail, as opposed to a year here un-
der the new law passed by Congress. There
is no law in Japan or England protecting
the flag, and cven in haughty, nationalist
France, where a prohibition has been on
the books since 1822, no onc has been
prosecuted under the statute.

In the end, the President's flag amend-
ment was supplanted by a clever Demo-
cratic-sponsored trick of passing a law
rather than a constitutional amendment
against flag burning. It was a trick because
this Supreme Court can be expected to
eventually throw this new law out the same
way it did the local Texas law on which it
acted last summer. For the moment, the
new legislation has allowed members of
Congress, with paltry few exceptions, to
wave the flag of patriotism in time for the
next election without screwing around
with the Constitution.

We should, I suppose, be thankful for
small favors. If not for the compromise
new law, it’s conceivable that the majority in
favor of a constitutional amendment might
have swelled to the necessary two thirds.
As it is, only nine Senators (91-9) and
forty-three members of the House (371—
43) found the courage and conviction to
vote against the new law. Senator Edward
Kennedy was the most forthright when he
said, “It is wrong to desecrate the Constitu-
tion to prevent desecration of the йар...
It would change the flag from a treasured
symbol to a Government-regulated icon.”

But people seem to need icons and it is
possible that the heartfelt support of the
flag-burning amendment registered in
polls by three quarters of the population is
a reflection of that. But why now, when

there is no serious domestic or foreign
challenge to the majority's power? Why
this burst of patriotic zeal in a time of
deep, even sonorous, military security,
when the Red enemy is dismantling its em-
pire right before our eyes?

The answer, I think, is that the beating
of the patriotic drums has nothing to do
with national military security and every-
thing to do with the psychology of large
groups. The irony is that as the Cold War
crodes, as the enemy becomes reasonable,
the search for national unity, something to
cheer for and against, intensifics. The bad
guys have become good guys, Gorbachey is
more popular in the Western democracies
than George Bush, and it’s hard to know
which team to root for or even to keep the
names straight in this fast, shuffling new
league.

The Cold War camps are breaking up
with a ferocity that threatens the very idea
of the nation-state. West Germany, which
we have been protecting against Commu-
nist east Europe, will now underwrite the
economic development of still-Communist
east Europe. For reasons that are inex-
plicable to most people who are not paid
foreign-policy experts, the Bush Adminis-
tration is closer to neo-Stalinist China than
to Gorbachev's Russia and even plays foot-
sie with the dreaded Khmer Rouge in
Cambodia.

We are shoving around the dregs of the
Cold War stew at a time when the rest of
the free world is busily preparing a new
banquet. Our enemy has abandoned us
and with it has gone the certainty of pur-
pose that drove this nation for 45 years.

What to do now with the massive mili-
tary economy and all of the high-tech junk
that we have skillfully deposited through-
out the planet? Is it good that peace is
breaking out? Can we trust it? Will we still
have jobs? More importantly, will we still
have an overriding and soul-stirring sense
of purpose?

It won't be easy. A drum roll and the can-
nons blaring as we march off to curtail the
greenhouse effect, feed the hungry and
give poor kids a head start will notas read-
ily do it for the manly juices. It's not easy
weaning us away from football metaphors.
elevated to foreign policy while substitut-
ing a complex appraisal of peacetime
problems for the mind-numbing simplicity
of the language of war.

But that’s why we have leaders. They are
supposed to educate us to a new reality
and exploit new possibilities. New thinking
should come more readily to us than to the
Bolsheviks. Come on, George, you can do
it; roll up your sleeves and get to work.
Take a clue from Gorbachey and revolu-
tionize the tired political terms. Rally us to
a world without walls. Find a new vocabu-
lary and a set of goals that will set us to
marching again. But whatever you do,
don't just sit there and wave the flag.

FOR
IDEAL
CARE OF
THINNING
HAIR,

PROGAINE
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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW:

a candid conversation

DONALD TRUMP

with the decades most flamboyant billionaire
on deal making, self-promotion, world affairs and how much is enough

Donald Trump sits alone. He hasn't slept in
48 hours.

At six AN, perched high in the bronze-
coated jewel of his empire, Trump Tower, he’
bent over a mammoth Brazilian-rosewood
desk, scrutinizing spread sheets.

No insomnia, no gnawing worries.

“Pressure,” he surmises, sipping an iced.
Coke, “doesn’t upset my sleep.” a standard
Sour hours nightly.

“I like throwing balls into the air—and І
dream like a baby.”

Three hours later, blond hair marshaled,
he announces, with standard chutzpah, his
seven-and-a-half-billion-dollar bid to gobble
down the nations premiere airline, Ameri-
can. On the strength of his $120-a-share bid,
the stock vaults fiom $16 to $99. The 43-
year-old billionaire, who owns huge blocks of
‘American Airlines stock, smiles broadly.

A week later, with the market tumbling 190
points, he withdraws his offer, perhaps lempo-
varily Despite some reports thal insinuated
his American raid was only cardboard, a ploy
to rattle up his stock, Trump stares into space:

“Nope. I want it.”

Yup. If it’s the best, and its for sale, Donald
Trump stomach begins to growl.

He captured troubled Saudi financier Ad-
nan Khashoggis onyx-and-gold-plated yacht
Jor a mere $29,000,000—now its worth
$100,000,000. Then he bought the Eastern

“There has always been a display of wealth
and always will be, until the depression
comes, which it always does. And let me tell
you, a display is a good thing, It shows people
that you can be successful.”

Shuttle for $365,000,000 and transformed
it overnight into the Trump Shuttle, complete
with comfortable cabins and stewardesses
rustling in virgin wool and pearls.

A year earlier, he had boughi the Plaza
Hotel for $400,000,000 and is now lovingly
restoring her without a name change Her
make-over will be supervised by the Czech
mistress of Trump's kingdom, Ivana, a former
Olympic skier and fashion model.

Al home, Ivana presides over a 100-room
Trump Tower triplex, recently expanded from
50 rooms (“Better closet space,” she jokes).
Trump, proud of the salmon-marbled atrium
of Trump Tower, where no expense was
spared, says, “I bought the whole damn
mountain! You've never seen that color before.
Ivana suggested it because it makes people
look better.”

The couple also has a 47-room country
house on len acres in Greenwich, Connecti-
cut, and the well-publicized 118-room Mar-a-
Lago Marjorie Merriweather Post estate in
Palm Beach, their commute time shortened by
the 727 jet and the French-made military
Puma helicopter

The Trump Princess, or the Khashoggi
“boat,” as Trump now calls it, has gotten
cramped, so a Dutch shipyard is confecting
nol a Princess but a full-fledged Queen cost-
ing more than $175,000,000.

Such osientation, despite a catalog of char-

“We Americans are laughed at around the
world for defending wealthy nations for noth-
ing, nations that would be wiped out in about
fifteen minutes if it weren't for us. Our ‘allies
are making billions screwing us."

ities and good. deeds done for sick kids, has
predictably yielded a rich crop of snipers. Spy
magazine, the New York-based humor.
monthly, cheerfully carries on а scabrous
vendetta against the Trumps, comparing
them to Dickensian monsters. Vime did a
cover story on the decay of Atlantic City and
chided Trump for helping create а crime-
plagued urban blight divided between welfare
cases and high rollers. On the Upper West
Side, Manhattanites attack him for his pro-
claimed desire to build an enormous complex,
Trump City, complete with a 150-story shy-
scraper; Phil Donahue charges that Trump's
casinos pillage the gullible; an aide close to
outgoing mayor Ed Koch calls Trump “the
most arrogant s.o.b. who has ever stepped onto
the earth.”

Ah, well. To be young, blond and a bil-
lionaire.

lt doesn't seem to matter. The most daunt-
ing entrepreneur since Ihe Astors, Vanderbilts
and Whitneys, Donald John Trump has made
his “art of Ihe deal” work—not just for mak-
ing money bul for crushing adversaries, too.

Case in point: Merv Griffin. Ten months
after Griffin bought Trump’s Resorts Interna-
tional Inc. for $365,000,000, for which
Trump had paid $101,000,000 the year be-
fore, Griffin found himself holding a bust-
ed balloon. Not only had he inherited the

PHOTOGRAPHY EY RANOY O'ROURKE

“Pue always thought the ultimate job for me
would have been running MGM in the Thir-
ties and Forties. There was incredible glam-
our and style thats gone now. And that’s
when you could control situations.”

PLAYBOY

hotel-casinos .$925,000,000 debt but he em-
barrassingly had to report first-half losses of
$46,600,000. Theres now talk of a possible
bankruptcy for Merv and a possible lawsuit
against Trump.

Looking beyond his one-billion-dollar Taj
Mahal opening in Atlantic City next month,
Trump has plenty to consider. There are ru-
mors of his building casinos in Nevada and
his buying Tiffany's, NBC, the New York
Daily News or the Waldorf Hotel ("I've got to
have the Waldorf,” he coos jokingly into the
phone. “I cant sleep without it”). And the
Presidency? No, that takes an election, and it
is clear that Trump is not that patient. Too
much to do!

The billion-dollar baby was born in the ex-
clusive Jamaica Estates in Queens, New York,
on June 14, 1946, to a mere millionaire, real-
estate developer Fred Trump, who had racked
up his $20,000,000 fortune building low-to-
middle-priced homes and apartments in
Brooklyn and Queens.

Among the five little Trumps, only Donald
seemed to have a passion for mortar and
bricks, riding around construction sites with
his father—“who ruled all of us with a steel
will”—and showing younger brother Robert,
now a low-profile V.P. in the Trump organi-
zation, who was boss in their 23-room house.

At the age of eight, little Donald borrowed
Robert's cherished toy blocks, glued them to-
gether mlo one giant skyscraper and never
returned them, thereafter exercising his fan-
tasies about changing Manhattan’ skyline.

His father, who harped on the importance
uf “knowing how to make a buck,” regarded
moprhaired Donald as “rough and wild,”
shipped him off to the New York Military
Academy in Cornwall-on-Hudson and, some
say, forever instilled in him a gnawing sense
of inadequacy that fueled the boys ambition.
There followed two years at Fordham and two
years at the University of Pennsylvania's
Wharton School of Finance, then a jew years
diddling in middle-income housing until, at
the age of 28, Trump delivered the punch that
launched him. Taking a hard look at Man-
hattan’s troubled fortunes, he fastened onto
the bankruptcy of the Penn Central Railroad
as his ticket into the big time and nimbly
plucked options on Penns Hudson Ri
railroad yards, now the site of New York's
Convention Genter, and its 59-year-old Com-
modore Hotel, now the Grand Hyatt.

The coup was in his persuading bankers to
lend him $80,000,000 and in talking politi-
cians into awarding him a $120,000,000 tax
abatement,

Persuasion, hype and chutzpah thereafter
defined the Trump style, welded to a scrupu-
lous management technique.

In 1979, at the age of 33, he snapped up
the Fifth Avenue site of the old Bonwit Teller
for $20,000,000, won a $140,000,000 tax
abatement and three years later finished
Trump Tower, a 68-story dazzler that in-
cludes a six-story atrium and today draws
100,000 visitors daily, with residents such as
Johnny Carson and Steven Spielberg,

Amassing a fortune his father never
dreamed fossible—a cash hoard of

$900,000,000, a geyser of $50,000,000 a
weck from his hotel-casinos, assets thought
to total 3.7 billion dollars—Trump soon be-
came as captivated by mystique-making as by
money-making.

As the snooty ads running around New
York proclaimed, “Everything does seem to be
very Trump these days.” There are his residen-
tial buildings, Trump Parc and Trump Plaza
and the soon-to-be-finished Trump Palace;
Trump Castle in Atlantic City and the soon-
to-be-finished Taj Mahal; his book “Trump:
The Art of the Deal,” written with Tony
Schwartz, which held on to the number-one
spot on the New York Times best-seller list
longer than any business book since “lacoc-
ca”; his high-rise board game named—you
guessed it — Trump (reported to be a flop); his
upcoming TV game show—you guessed it
again—"Trump Card"; and the bike race
named Tour de Trump, which, as he points
oul, sure beats its old name—Tour de Jersey.
And—well—you get the picture.

“Vision is my best asset,” he says without a
shred of modesty. “1 know what sells and 1
know what people want.”

Along the way, Trump even found time to

“The Presidency?
No, that takes
an election, and it is clear
that Trump is
not that patient.

Too much to do!”

attend the 1976 Montreal Olympics, marry
his match, Ivana Zelnicek (who has vowed
never to look a day over 29), and produce his
own little Trumps—Donald, Jr, 12, (лапка,
cight, and Eric, six.

Notwithstanding the good fortune that
seems to have attended Trumps business
moves, he and his family have not escaped
lifes darker side. While sisters Maryanne, a
Federal judge in New Jersey, and Elizabeth,
an administrative assistant for Chase Man-
hattan, have found their niches, Trumpy old-
er brother, Fred, hated the real-estate
business, became an airline pilot, took to
drink and died an alcoholic in 1981 at 43.

Trump was also recently shaken when, last.
October, three key executives died in a heli-
copter crash; the boss reportedly narrowly
nussed death, deciding at the last minute that
he was loo busy lo travel. “I never realized,”
says Trump today, “how deaths outside the
family could have such a profound effect on
me. Is a tragic waste.” As for himself, he’s fa-
talistic: “I work, I don't worry and I protect
myself as well as anybody can. Bul ultimately
we all end up going to hopefully greener
pastures.”

To check out his present-day pastures, we
sent New York Daily News celebrity inter-
viewer and syndicated columnist Glenn
Plaskin to talk with him. This interview had
long been in the works, including two earlier
staris. But Plashin finally got Trump to sit
down with him over a period of nearly 16
weeks, His report:

“For our first session at Trump Tower, after
being visually frished by a troop of basketball-
player-tall bodyguards, I entered the inner
sanctum. There was Donald Trump, as he
would be for most of our sessions, slumped be-
hind the cinnamon-colored desk, slung comi-
cally low in his chair, clipping his fingernails.
‘1 think best this way,’ he'd deadpan.

“As the weeks went by, I found 1 liked pok-
ing through the hooded dare-me eyes with
rapid-fire changes of topic, watching for sur-
prise. Ofien he parried with rehearsed an-
swers, bul we spent enough time together that
we entered genuinely fresh territory. When 1
asked for his stand on abortion, he frowned,
pouted and asked me to turn the recorder off
He didn't really have an opinion—what the
hell was mine? It was a very human moment.

“Supervising his office like an exceedingly
well-run vaudeville show, executive assistant
Norma Foerderer would wander in with an-
other gold-framed magazine cover to pul up
on his wall—or with a seven-pound cheese-
cake or a stuffed skunk, Trump would take
calls during our interview—never for more
than a few minutes—that invariably ended
with, “ОК, baby, youre the greatest.’ Then sec-
retary Rhona Graff would walk in, bearing
little yellow slips of paper announcing calls
waiting: down-on-his-luck financier Adnan
Khashoggi, asking to have lunch; a hotel
executive, dickering to sell yet another big
hotel. . . . By the time Duchess Fergie called
about borrowing his brand-new accident-
‚proof helicopter, and Don Johnson to bor
row his city-size yacht, 1 was dizzy.

“To get away from it all, we began our first
session hovering above the East River in the
cobalt Darth Vader helicopter. Donald Trump
was strapped into taupe leather, good-
naturedly hyping his empire below.”

PLAYBOY: You aren't known for being shy at
promotion; let's start by playing a little
game. Trump Tower
TRUMP: The finest residential building any-
where.

PLAYBOY: The Taj Mahal in Atlantic City is
going to be — —?

TRUMP: The most spectacular hotel-casino
anywhere in the world.

PLAYBOY: And the Trump Shuttle will
be
TRUMP: Easily the number-one service to
Washington and Boston.

PLAYBOY: Your apartment sales are 2
TRUMP: The best. Trump Tower and Trump
Pare have seventy percent of the top sales
in New York per square foot

PLAYBOY: Why?

TRUMP: Simple: People know they're going
into a building where no expense is
spared, where the level of materials and
finishes will be the best, where the location

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will be ıhe best. Many European and
Japanese investors literally give their sub-
ordinates instructions to buy apartments
only in Trump buildings. A Japanese in.
vestor just paid me twenty million bucks
for seven apartments he’s turning into one
PLAYBOY: OK. But here we are at the start
of a new decade. How do you respond
when people call you ostentatious, ego-rid-
den and a greedy symbol of the Eighties?
TRUMP: Rich men are less likely to like me,
but the working man likes me because he
knows 1 worked hard and didn't inherit
what I've built. Hey, I made it myself; I
have a right to do what I want with it.
PLAYBOY: With so much poverty on the city
streets, isn't it embarrassing for you to
Паши your wealth?

TRUMP: There has always been a display of
wealth and always will be, until the depres-
sion comes, which it always does. And let
me tell you, a display is a good thing. It
shows people that you can be successful. It
an show you a way of life. Dynasty did it on
TV It's very important that people aspire
to be successful. The only way you can do it
is if you look at somebody who is.

PLAYBOY: And for you, sitting snugly inside
the one hundred and eighteen rooms of
your Palm Beach mansion——

TRUMP: People understand that the house
in Florida is business. I use it very seldom. I
could be happy living in a studio apart-
ment.

PLAYBOY: Oh, come on.

TRUMP: I mean it; the houses, the planes
and the boat are just investments. I paid
twenty-nine million dollars for the
Khashoggi yacht; two years later, ГИ be
selling it for more than one hundred mil-
lion dollars and getting a bigger one.
PLAYBOY: Why in the world do you need a
bigger yacht?

TRUMP: I don't. But the Khashoggi boat is
worth more only if 1 sell it. This new one
will—believe it or not—he even more spec-
tacular and bring tremendous acclaim to
Irump properties in Atlantic City
PLAYBOY: What is it that attracts you to all
this glitz?

TRUMP: I have glitzy casinos because people
expect it; I'm not going to build the lobby
of thc IBM office building in "Trump
Castle. Glitz works in Atlantic City, and yet
the Plaza Hotel has been brought back to
its original elegance of 1907 So I don't use
glitz in all cases. And in my residential
buildings, I sometimes use flash, which is a
level below glitz.

PLAYBOY: Then what does all this—the
yacht, the bronze tower, the casinos—real-
ly mean to you?

TRUMP: Props for the show.

PLAYBOY: And what Is the show?

TRUMP: The show is “Trump” and it is sold-
out performances everywhere. I've had
fun doing it and will continue to have fun,
and I think most people enjoy it

PLAYBOY: Do you think the ones who hate it
are jealous?

TRUMP: They could be whatever—but the
vast majority dig it.
PLAYBOY: Calvin Klein, who doesn't have a
fraction of your wealth, has often said he
feels guilty about his. Do you?
TRUMP: 1% not overriding, but I do have it
PLAYBOY: You don't sound guilty at all.
TRUMP: I do have a feeling of guilt. I'm liv-
ing well and like it, I know that many other
people dont live particularly well. 1 do
have a social consciousness. I'm setting up
a foundation; | give a lot of money away
and I think people respect that. The fact
that I built this large company by myseli—
working people respect that; but the peo-
ple who are at high levels don't like it.
They'd like it for themselves.
PLAYBOY: Do you scc yoursclf as greedy?
TRUMP: I don't think I'm greedy. If I were, I
wouldn't give to charities. I run the Woll-
man Skating Rink in New York
nothing and I gave away the royalties from
my book. I give millions for charity each
year, If I were really greedy.
PLAYBOY: You mean like Leona Helmsley,
the convicted hotel queen?
TRUMP: Yes, like Leona Helmsley. She is a
vicious, horrible woman who systematical-
ly destroyed the Helmsley name. I know
Leona better than anybody does but Har-
ту [Helmsley]. If Harry had one fault, it
Was giving her too much leeway.

When Г was twenty, Harry was thc big
guy in town. I once drove my car down the
street in Manhattan, saw him at a corner,

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stopped and introduced myself and of-
fered him a ride. When I pulled over on
the left side of the street, with traffic on the
right, he asked me to get out of the car so
he could get out on the left side. I thought
to myself, This isa highly conservative guy.
He never would have evaded taxes on his
own. But Leona pushed and pushed him.
He needed that money like you need fifty-
six Cents in your pockets, I’m telling you

Also, Leona was not a great business-
woman but a very bad onc. She sold me the
St. Moritz Hotel and a few years later, I
made more than a hundred million dollars
о She ran that hotel badly. She set the
women’s movement back fifty years. She is
a living nightmare, and to be married to
her must be like living in hell.

PLAYBOY: On the other hand, your wife,
Ivana, is doing a great job running the
Plaza, right?

TRUMP: Well, I have told Ivana, “Whatever
Leona would do, do the opposite. [Laughs]
Be nice to everybody.” And she is пісе, any-
way.

PLAYBOY: Was it simple greed with Leona?

TRUMP: Much more than greed. She's out of
her mind. Leona Helmsley is a truly evil
human being. She treated employees
worse than any human being Гус ever wit-
nessed and I've dealt with some of the
toughest human beings alive.

PLAYBOY: What do you do to stay in touch
with your employees?

TRUMP: 1 inspect the Trump Tower atrium
every morning. Walk into it . .. its perfect;
everything shines. 1 go down and raise hell
ina nice way all the time because I want ev-
erything to be absolutely immaculate. I'm
totally hands-on. 1 get along great with
porters and maids at the Plaza and the
Grand Hyatt.

I've had bright people ask me why I talk
to porters and maids. I can't even believe
that question. Those are the people who
make it all work. . . . If they like me, they
will work harder . .. and I pay well.
PLAYBOY: You lost some valued employees
in a recent helicopter crash.

TRUMP: Yes. I lost not only brilliant, key
players in my company but true friends—
and 1 couldnt believe it. At first, I wa
shocked, called their wives, just kept func-
tioning. . . . My own sense of optimism and
life was greatly diminished. I never real-
ized how deaths outside the family could
have such a profound effect on me.
PLAYBOY: What did you think when the
shock wore off?

TRUMP: [Pauses] It's а tragic waste. I was al-
so angry in that it was an event that 1 didn't
want to happen. Here was this press con-
ference, a very mediocre event announc-
ing a minor boxing match. I told these
guys that they didn't need to go, but they
wanted to be there. . . . They gave their
lives for something so unimportant. It's
been a rough time. [Pauses]

PLAYBOY: What do you think of rich people
in general?

TRUMP: Rich people are great survivors
and, by nature, they fall into two cate-

gories—those who have inherited
those who've made it. Those who have in-
herited and chosen not to do anything are
generally very timid, afraid of losing what
they've got, and who can blame them?
Others are great risk takers and produce a
hell of a lot more or go bust.

PLAYBOY: As Merv Griffin did? After buy-
ing Resorts International from you, the
company may be facing bankruptcy. What
happened there?

TRUMP: Mery isa good guy who I have real-
ly just gotten to know; we were both judges
on the Miss America Pageant after our
deal. I don’t want to bug him, but prior to
buying Resorts, he was telling everybody
what a great deal he made and, by infer-
ence, what a bad deal ‘Trump made.
PLAYBOY: But, in fact, you didn't make such
a bad deal.

TRUMP: Well, let's just say he didnt out-
‘Trump Trump. He has a huge amount of
debt. But he is very efficient and has very
good PR people. Business Week wrote a sto-
ry titled How Donald Taught Merv the Art
of the Deal. | was angry. And equally angry
when People and Tine magazines, with no

“Leona Helmsley set
the women’s movement
back fifty years. She is a
living nightmare, and
to be married to her
must be like

living in hell.”

goddamned research and no knowledge,
incompetently reported that Merv had
bested Donald. Can you imagine? They
didn't do any research. They just listened
to PR people. Well, now they know the
truth and have asked about following up
or correcting stories. 1 said, “Forget it—it
doesn’t matter.”
PLAYBOY: What satisfa
get out of doing a de:
TRUMP: 1 love the creative process. I do
what I do out of pure enjoyment. Hopeful-
ly nobody does it bette Гһеге a beauty
to making agreat deal. It’s my canvas. And
I like painting it.

1 like the challenge and tell the story of
the coal miner’s son. The coal miner gets
black-lung disease, his son gets it, then his
son. If f had been the son of a coal mi
would have left the damn mines. But most
people dont have the imagination—or
whatever—to leave their mine. They don't
have “it.”
PLAYBOY: Whic his
TRUMP: “It” is an ability to become an en-
trepreneur, a great athlete, a great writer.

ion, exactly, do you

You're either born with it or you're not.
Ability can be honed, perfected or neglect-
ed. The day Jack Nicklaus came into this
world, he had more innate ability to play
golf than anybody else.

PLAYBOY: You obviously have a lot of self-
confidence. How do you use that in a busi-
ness deal?

TRUNP: I believe in positive thinking, but I
also believe in the power of negative think-
ing. You should prepare for the worst. If
I'm doing a deal, 1 want to know how bad
it's going to be if everything doesn't work
rather than how good its going to be I
have a positive outlook, but I'm unfortu-
nately also quite cynical. So if all the nega-
tives happened, what would my gregi
be? Would I want to be in that position? IF
I don't, I dont do the deal. My attitude
focus on the down side because the up
will always take care of itself. If a deal is
going to be great, it's just a question of,
How much am I going to make?

PLAYBOY: How far are you willing to push
adversaries?
TRUNP: I will demand anything I can get.
When you're doing business, you take peo-
ple to the brink of breaking them without
having them break, to the maximum point
their heads can handle—without breaking
them. That's the sign of a good business-
man: Somebody else would take them
fifteen steps beyond their breaking point.
PLAYBOY: What if your pushing results in
losing the deal?

TRUMP: Then I pushed him too far. I would
have made a mistake. But I don't. I push to
the maximum of what he can stand and I
get a better deal than he gets.

PLAYBOY: Another aspect of your deal mak-
ing is how you handle the media. You man-
aged to suppress an unflattering TV
documentary about you funded by your
archnemesis, [New York businessman and
publisher} Leonard Stern. Do you also
claim victory over
TRUMP: Total victory, yes. But I don’t want
to dwell on triumph or defeat.

PLAYBOY: That may sound magnanimous,
but, in fact, you're known to exact revenge
оп people you think have tried to pull
something on you

TRUMP: I think I’m fair, not tough, in busi-
ness. But if somebody is trying to do ai
justice to me, I fight back harder than
anybody I know. When somebody tries to
harm you or your family, you have an abso-
lute right to fight back.

PLAYBOY: Do you hate Stern?

TRUMP: No. Stern is a nonentity to me. He
obviously dislikes me enough to spend
close to a million dollars trying to make a
negative documentary.

PLAYBOY: You have a lot of enemies in New
York City, among them a group that oppos-
es your building a huge Trump City on the
Hudson that will include the world's tallest
building—on the theory that it will ruin
the West Side and cause unbearable con-
gestion. What do you say to them?

TRUMP: Point one: There were more people
living on the West Side of New York in the
Forties than there are today. Very few

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people understand that. Point two: Trump
City is going to be an architectural master-
piece. Point three: The city desperately
needs the taxes, the housing and the shop-
ping that will produce billions of dollars.
in revenue. Yet that community group
[West Pride] fights every job.

Those people
fight for the sake of
fighting. | honestly
believe that if 1 pro-
posed an eighty-
acre park, they
would come out and
fight Selfishly,
they like what they
have and don't want
to gi to anybody
else. We need anoth-
er Rockefeller Cen-
ter—especially now
that Mitsubishi has
bought most of the

largest building in
the world would cast
a mammoth shadow
the West Si
blocking out light
and wrecking the
ambience of the
neighborhood.

TRUMP: [Angrily] Fv-
ery building casts a
shadow, for God's
sake! I want this job
to be dramatic. 1
strive for that. 1
don't want it to be
contextual, blending
into everything else.
It shouldn't be like

а haircut
and telling the bar-
ber I dont want
anyone 10 know

Ive goten one. 1
am competing here
with the state of
New Jersey, which is
the life-
ut of New
York City They're
beating us up.
Trump City would
take the play away
from the develop-

ment of the New
Jersey — waterfront.
The be nothing in New York to com-

pete with Trump С
PLAYBOY: So you're going to build it, come
what may?

TRUMP: Pill build it, though it may not be
now. lll wait until things get bad in the city,
because every city in every nation has its
ups and downs. If I had tried to get the
zoning for Trump City in 1975, I would
have gotten everything I wanted, because

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now wait for construction to stop, for inter-
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PLAYBOY: You often say that the key to your
success is being a good deal maker and a
good manager. Why?

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known how to manage what they've had.
‘Take [Saudi financier indicted for a felony]
Adnan Khashoggi: He was a great deal
maker but a bad businessman. Time will
tell if Merv is a good manager. He is going
to have to be.

PLAYBOY: When you were growing up in
Queens, your father was supposedly a

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harsh taskmaster. It has been theorized
that your father instilled in you a great
sense of inadequacy, True?
ne hundred percent wrong
much accepted by my fa-
nald Trump and I've al-
ut I did want to prove
to my father and
other people that 1
had the ability to be
successful on my
own.
PLAYBOY: You've of-
ten that your fa-
ther made you work
as a teenager and
taught you the value
of the buck.
TRUMP: My father
never made me
work. | liked to work
during summers. 1
don't understand
these teenagers who
sit home watching,
television all day.
Wheres their ap-
petite for competi-
tion? Working was
in my genes.
PLAYBOY: Still, your
father was onc
tough son of a bitch,
wasn't һе?
TRUMP: He was a
strong, strict father,
a no-nonsense kind
of guy, but he n
hit me. lt wasn't
what he'd exer say to
us, either. He ruled
hy demeanor, not
the sword. And he
never scared or in-
timidated me.
PLAYBOY: Your older
brother, Fred, wh
died from heart fail-
ure brought on by
acute alcoholi:
had a more dil
time with
didn't he?

ie "he PE]
ways known that.

ime of a

information.

ilt
him,

eio quia
differently on differ-

ent children. Our
family enyironment,
the competitiveness,
was a negative for
Fred. It wasn't
for him bei very tough сп
ment, and I think it played havoc on him.
1 was very close to him and it was very
sad when he died . . . toughest situation
Гуе had.
PLAYBOY: What did you learn from his ex-
perience?
TRUMP: [Pauses] Nobody has ever asked
me that. But his death affected every-
thing that has come after it.... I think

constantly that I never really gave him
thanks for it. He was the first Trump boy
out there, and 1 subconsciously watched
his moves.

PLAYBOY: And the lesson?

TRUMP: I saw people really taking advan-
tage of Fred and the lesson I learned was
always to keep up my guard one hundred per-
cent, whereas he didn't. He didn't feel that
there was really reason for that, which is a
fatal mistake in life. People are too trus
ing. Im a very untrusting guy. 1 study peo-
ple all the time, automatically; its my way
of life, for better or worse.

PLAYBOY: Why?

TRUMP: I am very skeptical about people;
thats self-preservation at work. I believe
that, unfortunately, people are out for
themselves. At this point, it's to many peo-
ples advantage to like me. Would the
phone stop ringing, would these people
kissing ass disappear if things were not go-
ing well?

1 enjoy testing friendship. .
thing in life to me is a psychological
a series of challenges you either m
don't. I am always testing people who work
for me.

PLAYBOY: How?

TRUMP: | will send people around to my
buyers to tcst their honesty by offering
them trips and other things. I've been sur-
prised that some people least likely to ac-
cept a trip from a contractor did and some
of the most likely did not. You can never
tell until you test; the human species is in-
teresting in that way. So to me, friendship
can be really tested only in bad times.

1 instinctively mistrust many people. It
is not a negative in my life but a positive.
Playboy wouldn't be talking to me today if I
weren't a cynic. So 1 learned that from
Fred, and I owe him a lot. . . . He could
have ultimately been a happy guy, but
things just went the unhappy way.
PLAYBOY: How large a role docs pure cgo
play in your deal making and enjoyment of
publicity?

TRUMP: Every successful person has a very
large ego.

PLAYBOY: Every successful person? Mother
Teresa? Jesus Christ?

TRUMP: Far greater egos than you will ever
understand.

PLAYBOY: And the Pope?

TRUMP: Absolutely. Nothing wrong with
ego. People need ego, whole nations need
ego. I think our country needs more cgo,
because it is being ripped off so badly by
our so-called allies; i.c., Japan, West Ger-
many, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, etc.
They have litcrally outegotized this coun-
try, because they rule the greatest moncy
machine ever assembled and it's sitting on
our backs. Their products are better be-
cause they have so much subsidy.

We Americans are laughed at around
the world for losing a hundred and fifty
billion dollars year after year, for defend-
ing wealthy nations for nothing, nations
that would be wiped off the face of the
earth in about fifteen minutes if it weren't

for us. Our
screwing us.
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Japan's
economic pre-eminence?

TRUMP: Japan gets almost seventy percent
of its oil from the Persian Gulf, relies on
ships led back home by our destroyers, bat-
tleships, helicopters, frog men. Then the
Japanese sail home, where they give the oil
to fuel their factories so that they can
knock the hell out of General Motors,
Chrysler and Ford. Their openly screwing
us is a disgrace. Why aren't they paying us?
The Japanese cajole us, they bow to us,
they tell us how great we are and then they
pick our pockets. We're losing hundreds of
billions of dollarsa ycar while they laugh at
our stupidity.

"The Japanese have their great scientists

making cars and VCRs and we have our
great scientists making missiles so we can
defend Japan. Why aren't we being reim-
bursed for our costs? The Japanese dou-
ble-screw the U.S., a real trick: First they
take all our money with their consumer
goods, then they put it back in buying all of
Manhattan. So either way, we lose.
PLAYBOY: You're opposed to Japanese buy-
ing real estate in the US.?
TRUMP: I have great respect for the
Japanese people and list many of them as
great friends. But, hey, if you want to open
up a business in Japan, good luck. Its vir-
tually impossible. But the Japanese can
buy our buildings, our Wall Street firms,
and there's virtually nothing to stop them.
In fact, bidding on a building in New York
is an act of futility, because the Japanese
will pay more than it's worth just to screw
us. They want to own Manhattan

Of course, I shouldn't even be complain-
ing about it, because I'm one of the big
beneficiaries of it. If I ever wanted to sell
any of my properties, I'd have a field day
But its an embarrassment! I give great
credit to the Japanese and their leaders,
because they have made our leaders look
totally second rate.

PLAYBOY: A group of Japanese visitors to
New York was recently asked if there were
anything in the US, they would like to buy.
The answer: towels.

TRUMP: That’s fair trade: They'll take the
towels and well buy their cars. It docsnt
sound like a good deal to me. They have
totally outsmarted the American pol
itician; they have no respect for us, be-
cause they're getting a free ride. Of course,
its not just the Japanese or the Eu-
ropeans—the Saudis, the Kuwaitis walk all
over us.

PLAYBOY: The Arabs also spend plenty of
money in your casinos, don't they?

TRUMP: They lose a million, two million at
the tables and they're so happy because
they had such a great weekend. If you lost
a million dollars, you'd be sick for the rest
of your life, maybe. "They write me letters
telling me what a wonderful time they had.
PLAYBOY: You have taken out full-page ads
in several major newspapers that not only

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concern U.S. foreign trade but call for the
death penalty, too. Why?

TRUMP: Because I hate seeing this country
go to hell. We're laughed at by the rest of
the world. In order to bring law and order
back into our cities, we need the death
penalty and authority given back to the po-
lice. I got fifteen thousand positive letters
on the death-penalty ad. I got ten negative
or slightly ne
PLAYBOY: You believe in an eye for an eye?
TRUMP: When a man or woman cold-blood-
edly murders, he or she should pay. It sets
an example. Nobody can make the argu-
ment that the death penalty isn't a deter-
rent. Either it will be brought back swiltly
or our society will rot away. It is rotting
away

PLAYBOY: For a man
so concerned about
our crumbling cit-
ies, some would say
you've done little for
crumbling Atlantic
City besides pull
fifty million dollars
a week ош of
tourists pockets.
TRUMP: Elected
officials have that
responsibility. I
would hate to think
that people blame
me for the problems
of the world. Yet
people come to me
and say "Why do
you allow homeles
ness in the cities?" a
if 1 control the si
tion. n not som
body secking office.
PLAYBOY: What
about using your
influence in Atlantic.
City to help the dis-
advantaged?

TRUMP: Everybody
nfluence, but it
is a Governmental
problem. 1 take out
those ads to wake
up the Government
about how Japan
and others are rip-
ping our country apart. —

PLAYBOY: Wait. Doesn't it seem that with
all your influence in Atlantic City you
could do more to combat crime and cor-
ruption and put something back into the
community?

TRUMP: Well, crime and prostitution go up,
and Atlantic City administrations are into
very deep trouble with the law, and there
are lots of problems there, no question
about it. But there is a tremendous amount
of money going to housing from the profits
of the casinos.

As somebody who г
do, when you get ri
the best places, b
possible, which in turn goes out for tz

ns hotels, all 1 can
t down to it, is run
as much money as
es. 1

contribute millions a year to various chari-
ties. Finally, by law, I'm not allowed to have
Governmental influence; but if they
passed legislation that allowed me to get
morc involved, I'd be very happy to do it.
In the meantime, I have the most incre
ble hotels in the world in Atlantic City. The
Mahal will be beyond belief. And if I
awaken the government of Atlantic
ity, 1 have performed a great service.
PLAYBOY: We've talked about building low-
income housing; what have you done about
that in other locations?

TRUMP: I did that during the years I
worked with my father; I did build both
low-income housing and housing for the
elderly. And now Im going to be building
more of it. The problem is, that stuff never

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PLAYBOY: Oncc you got to Moscow, how did
the negotiations go?

TRUMP: I told them, “Guys, you have a basic
problem. Far as real estate is concerned, it’s
impossible to get title to Russian land,
since the government owns it all. What
kind of financing are you gonna get on a
building where the land is owned by the
goddamned motherland?”

They said, “No problem, Mr. Trump. We
will work out lease arrangements.”

Isaid, “I want ownersl

They came up with a solution:
‘Trump, we form a committee with ten peo-
ple, of which seven are Russian and three
е your representatives, and all disputes
be resolved in this manner."

I thought to my-
self, Shit, seven to
three—are we deal-
ing in the world
of the make-believe
here or what?
PLAYBOY: What were
your other impre:
sions of the So
Union?

was very
mpressed. Their
system is a disaster.
What you will sce
there soon is a revo-
lution; the signs are
all there with the
demonstrations and
picketing. Russia is
out of control and
the leadership
knows it. Thats my
problem with Gor-
bachey. Not a firm
enough hand.

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PLAYBOY: On the other hand, you were
invited to consider building a luxury hotel
in Moscow a few years ago. What was your
trip to Moscow like?
TRUMP: It was not long after the Korean
plane was shot down over Russia. There I
am up in my plane when my pilot a
nounces, "We are now flying over the Sovi-
et Union,” and Im thinking to myself,
What the hell am I doing her
Then I look out the window and sce two
Russian fighter planes I later found
ad insisted on having
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firm hand as in
China?

TRUMP: When the
udents poured
to Tiananmen
Square, the C
gove
blew
were
were
they put
with strength. That shows you the power
of strength. Our country is right now per-
ceived as weak... as being spit on by the
rest of the world—
PLAYBOY: Why is
enough?

TRUMP: I predict he will be overthrown, be-
cause he has shown extraordinary weak-
ness. Suddenly, for the first time ever, there
are coal-miner strikes and brush fires ev-
erywhere—which will all ultimately lead to
a violent revolution. Yet Gorbachev is get-
ting credit for being a wonderful leader —
and we should continue giving him cred
because he’s destroying the Soviet Union.
But his giving an inch is going to end up
costing him and all his friends what they

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Upjohn

‘The Upahn Company

22557-М December 1989

most cherish—their jobs.
PLAYBOY: Besides the real-estate deal,
you've met with top-level Soviet officials to
negotiate potential business deals with
them; how did they strike you?

TRUMP: Generally, these guys are much
tougher and smarter than our representa-
tives. We have people in this country just as
smart, but unfortunately, they re not elect
ed ol Is. We're still suffering froma loss
of respect that goes back to the Carter Ad-
ministration, when helicopters were crash-

ng into one another in Iran.

That was Carter's emblem. There he
was, being carried off from arace, needing
oxygen. I don't want my President to be
carried off a race course. I don't want my
President landing on Austrian soil and
falling down the stairs of his airplane.
Some of our Presidents have been incredi-
ble jerk-offs. We need to be tough.
PLAYBOY: A favorite word of yours, tough.
How do you define it?

TRUMP: Tough is being mentally capable of
winning battles against an opponent and
doing it with a smile. Tough is winning sys-
tematically.

PLAYBOY: Sometimes you sound like a Pres-
idential candidate stirring up the vote
TRUMP: I don’t want the Presidency. I'm go-
ing to help a lot of people with my founda-
tion—and for me, the grass isn't always
greener

PLAYBOY: But if the grass cver did look
greener, which political party do you think
you'd be more comfortable with?

TRUMP: Well, if I ever ran for office, Pd do
better as a Democrat than as a Republi-
can—and that's not because Га Бе more
liberal, because I'm conservative. But the
working guy would elect me. He likes me.
When 1 walk down the street, those cabbies
start yelling out their windows.

PLAYBOY: Another game: What's the first
thing President Trump would do upon en-
tering the Oval Office?

TRUMP: Many things. A toughness of au
tude would prevail. I'd throw a tax on
every Mercedes-Benz rolling into this
country and on all Japanese products, and
we'd have wonderful allies again.
PLAYBOY: Would you rescue our remaining
hostages in Lebanon?

TRUMP: Number one, in almost all cases,
the hostages were told by our Government
not to be there. Ifa man decides to become
a professor at Beirut University, when he
was told not to be there, and that person is
captured —

PLAYBOY: He deserves it?

TRUMP: You feel very bad for him, but you
cannot base foreign policy on his capture.
With that being said, when they killed our
Colonel Higgins, I would have retaliated
militarily immediately. I would have hit
something vital to them. And hit it hard.
In any other case, I would let the takers of
hostages know that they'd have one week
to return that hostage. And after that
week, all bets would be off. You would not
have any more hostages taken, believe me.
Weakness always causes problems.
PLAYBOY: Do you think George Bush i

oft?

TRUMP: 1 like George Bush very much and
support him and always will. But I dis-
agree with him when he talks of a kinder,
gentler America. I think if this country
gets any kinder or gentler, it’s literally go-
ing to cease to exist. I think if we had peo-
ple from the business community—the
Carl Icahns, the Ross Perots—negotiating
some of our foreign policy, we'd have rc-
spect around the world.

PLAYBOY: What would President ‘Trump's
position on crime be?

TRUMP: I see the values of this country in
the way crime is tolerated, where people
are virtually afraid to say “I want the death
penalty.” Well, I want it. Where has this
country gone when you're not supposed to
put in a grave the son of a bitch who
robbed, beat, murdered and threw a nine-
Id woman off the building? Where
country gone?

PLAYBOY: What would be some of President
Trump's longer-term views of the future?
TRUMP: I think of the future, but I refuse to
int it. Anything can happen. But I often
think of nuclear war.

PLAYBOY: Nuclear war?

TRUMP: I've always thought about the issue
of nuclear war; it’s a very important ele-
ment in my thought process. It’s the ulti-
mate, the ultimate catastrophe, the biggest
problem this world has, and nobody's fo-
cusing on the nuts and bolts of it. It's a little
like sickness. People don't believe they're
going to get sick until they do. Nobody

wants to talk about it. I believe the greatest
of all stupidities is people's believing it will
never happen, because everybody knows
how destructive it will be, so nobody uses
weapons. What bullshit.

PLAYBOY: Does any of that fuzzy thinking
exist around the Trump office?

TRUMP: On a much lower level, I would nev-
er hire anybody who thinks that way, be-
cause he has absolutely no common sense.
Нез living in a world of make-believe. It's
like thinking the Titantic cant sink. Too
many countries have nuclear weapons; no-
body knows where they're all pointed,
what button it takes to launch them.

The bomb Harry Truman dropped on
Hiroshima was a toy next to todays. We
have thousands of weapons pointed at us
and nobody even knows if they're going to
go in the right direction. They've never re
ally been tested. These jerks in charge
dont know how to paint a wall, and we're
relying on them to shoot nuclear missiles
to Moscow. What happens if they don't go
there? What happens if our computer sys-
tems aren't working? Nobody knows if this
equipment works, and Гус seen numerous
ports lately stating that the probability is
they don't wc It’s a total mess.

PLAYBOY: And how would President Trump
handle it?

TRUMP: He would believe very strongly in
extreme military strength. He wouldn't
trust anyone. He wouldn't trust the Rus-

sians; he wouldn't trust our allies; he'd
have a huge military arsenal, perfect it,
understand it. Part of the problem is that
we're defending some of the wealthiest
countries in the world for nothing.
We're being laughed at around the world,
defending Japan
PLAYBOY: Wait. If you believe that the pub-
lic shares these views, and that you could
do the job, why not consider running for
President?

TRUNP: I'd do the job as well as or better
than anyone else. It's my hope that George
Bush can do a great job.

PLAYBOY: You categorically don't want to be
President?

TRUMP: I don't want to be President. I'm
one hundred percent sure. I'd change my
mind only if I saw this country continue to
go down the tubes.

PLAYBOY: More locally, one of your least
favorite political figures was Mayor Ed
Koch of New York. You two had a great
time going after each other: He called
you “piggy. piggy, piggy” and you called
him “a moron.” Why do you suppose
he lost the election?

TRUMP: He lost his touch for the people. He
became arrogant. He not only discarded
iends but was a fool for brutally criti-
cizing them. The corruption was merely a
symptom of what had happened to him:
He had become extremely nasty, mcan-
spirited and very vicious, an extremely

Goahead, make your day

Shake that Tabasco’ sauce on your chili dog. Drop a little into
your soup. Sprinkle some on your sandwich. You get the idea.

© 1989. TABASCO is a registered trademark of Mcllhenny Company. For the reci
Hospitality,’ send $3.25 to McIlhenny Co., Dept. Gt

‘The lively taste of Tabasco'sauce.

Dontkeepitbottledup.
> if

of Walter McIlhenny in "A Gentleman's Guide to Memorable
Avery Island, Louisiana 70513.

PLAYBOY

loyal human being.
When his friends like Bess Myerson and
others were in trouble, he scemed to auto-
matically abandon them, almost before
finding out what they'd done wrong. Hc
could think only about his own ass—not
the citys. That was dumb: The only one
who didn't know his administration was
crumbling around him him. Power
corrupts.
PLAYBOY: You probably have more power
than Koch did as mayor. And you're get-
ing more of it all the time. How about
power's corrupting you?
TRUMP: I th power sometimes cor-
rupts—"sometimes" has to be added.
PLAYBOY: Also on the local scene, there's a
report that you wanted to be an owner of a
New York-area baseball team in а pro-
posed new baseball league—despite your
bad experience as owner of the New Jersey
Generals in the short-lived United States
Football League.
TRUMP: Thats not uuc anymore. It's not a
passion of mine, The sports business is a
lousy business. If a player gets hurt or
doesn't perform, he wants to get his money
orms better than expect-
ed, he wants to renegotiate his contract. 1
like boxing better.
PLAYBOY: A clean, forthright sport. As one
of Mike Tyson's promoters, what can you
tell us about
TRUMP: | know Mike better than anybody
and have strong opinions, pro and con. But
its too сапу for me to say. | understand his
obsessions, everything. And no, I dont be-
grudge Don King if hes able to get Mike
‘Tyson to sign a contract to the benefit of
Don King.
PLAYBOY: You got to know him during his
marriage to Robin Givens, didn't you?
TRUMP: Yeah; I loved it when Robin said she
didn’t want any money and then sued him.
He won the case against her. She was killed
when she started in with the law, when she
filed for divorce. Historically, this has been
the case with champions. The champ can
do no wrong.
PLAYBOY: How is your marriage?
TRUMP: Just fine. Ivana is a very kind and
good woman. I also think she has the in-
stincts and drive of a good manager. She's
focused and she’s a perfectionist.
PLAYBOY: And as a wile, nota manager?
TRUMP: I never comment on romance.
She's a great mother, a good woman who
does a good job.
PLAYBOY: How you feel when José Tòr-
res wrote his book, excerpted in Playboy,
about Tyson's sex life—the charges that he
beat up women and had wild sexual es-
capades?
TRUMP: 15 unfortunate for one of the great
fighters in history to have all this crap
hanging over his head. Or for politicians,
for that matter. We're living in an age when
there are no boundaries left, which is un-
fortunate for our country. The problem is,
we're going to lose good talent. because
somebody likes looking at pretty women or
pretty men.

Somebody's sex life may mean absolute-
ly nothing to the job at hand, but when the
written word gets out, we lose somebody
good and the country goes to hell. 1 know
politicians who love women who don't even
want to be known for that—because they
might lose the gay vote. OK? If this is the
kind of extreme we're heading toward,
we're really in trouble.

PLAYBOY: What is ma
monogamous?
TRUMP: I don't have to answer t
speak about my wife—which is one of the
advantages of not being a poli My
marriage is and should be a personal
thing.

PLAYBOY: But you do enjoy flirtations?
TRUMP: 1 think any man enjoys firtations,
and if he said he didn't, he'd be lying or
he'd be a pol ing to get the extra
four votes. I think everybody likes know-
ing he’s well responded to. Especially as
you get into certain strata where there is
an cgo involved and a high level of.
it's important. People
that other people res
PLAYBOY: You and your wife are often a

ge to you? Is it

I never

“T know politicians who
love women who don't
even want to be known for
that—because they might
lose the gay vote. We’re
really in trouble.”

subject of very biting satire for magazines
such as Spy, which calls you a "short-
fingered vulgarian” and recently pub-
lished a horrendous close-up photograph
of your wife on its cover. How do you feel
about that?

TRUMP: Ten years ago, bad publicity was
much harder for me to take than itis now.
It is almost irrelevant.
PLAYBOY: That's all you can sa:

bout Spy?

PLAYBOY: We

ume you take Forbes
magazine more seriously; it daims you're
worth one point five billion dollars. But
you say three point seven billion dollars.
Whats the right figure?

TRUMP: J don't say anything. Business Week
and Fortune have numbers much higher
than Forbess. 1 know many people on the
Forbes list who shouldnt be there. Из a
very inaccurate survey, Malcolm Forbes
scems to keep me low. Business Week and
Fortune don't have boats and they couldn't
care less.

PLAYBOY: Speaking of
didn't you accept h
rocco bash?

alcolm Forbes, why
invitation to the Mo-

TRUMP: I wish I could have gone, but |
couldn't because of a schedule conflict.
PLAYBOY: Would you spend three million
dollars on a party for yourself?
TRUMP: It was a great investment for Mal-
colin. He got fifty million dollars’ worth of
ty. | think he should do it every
day of his life. That's like people who cant
understand why I'm building an even
more spectacular boat than the Trump
Princess. It's going to be world class, be-
yond belief.
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your п pler-
est—buildings, Architecture critic Paul
Goldberger of The New York Times hasn't
been kind to Trump buildings, panning
them as garish and egotistical.
TRUMP: Paul Goldberger has extraordinari-
ly bad taste. He reviews buildings that are
failures and loves them. Paul suffers from
one malady that I don't believe is curable.
an architecture critic, you cant afford
the luxury of having bad t
The fact that he works for the Times, un-
fortunately, makes his taste important.
And that’s why you see some monster
buildings going up. If Paul left the Times
or the Times left him, you would find that
his opinion meant nothing.
PLAYBOY: But it’s not just the architecture
critics who criticize you for stamping your
ame on everything you own. Are you go-
ing to continue doing that forever?
TRUMP: №. I own the Grand Hyatt Hotel; I
dont call it the Trump Hotel. I own the
Plaza Hotel, not uie Trump Plaza. Bue 1
will say that from a marketing point of
icw, putting my name on buildings is a
plus. Гиз now building Trump Palace and
if I called it something else, I would get
hundreds of dollars less per square foot
On the Trump Shutde, I’ve owned it for six
months and we are already taking over
fifty percent of the market in Washington,
Boston and New York. If I called it any-
thing but the Trump Shuttle, it wouldn't be
nearly so successful. The Tour de Trump
was actually going to be called the Tour de
Jersey. We had four hundred and seventy-
three reporters at a news conference for a
damn bicycle race; how many would have
been there for the ‘Tour de Jersey? We
would have gotten nowhere.
PLAYBOY: You're involved in so many activi-
ties, deals, promotions—in the deep of the
ight, after the reporters all leave your
conferences, are you ever satisfied with
what you've accomplished?
TRUMP: I'm too superstitious to be satisfied.
I don't dwell on the past. People who do
that go right down the tubes. I'm never
sfied. Life is what you do while
you're waiting to die. You know, it is all a
rather sad situation.
PLAYBOY: Life? Or death?
TRUMP: Both. We're here and we live our
sixty, seventy or eighty years and we're
gone. You win, you win, and in the end, it
doesn't mean а hell of a lot. But it is some-
thing to do—to keep you interested
PLAYBOY: Do you agree with the

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PLAYBOY

that says, WHOEVER HAS THE MOST TOYS WINS?
TRUMP: Depends on your definition of win-
ning. Some of my friends are unbelievably
successful and miserable people. I truly
believe that someone successful is never
really happy, because dissatisfaction is
what drives him, Гус never met a success-
ful person who wasn't neurotic. It's not a
terrible thing. ... it's controlled neuroses.
PLAYBOY: What do you mean?

TRUMP: Controlled neuroses means having
a tremendous energy level, an abundance
of discontent that often isn't visible. It's also
not oversleeping. I don't sleep more than
four hours a night. I have friends who
need twelve hours a night and I tell them
they're at a major disadvantage in terms of
playing the game.

PLAYBOY: And when you're up at night,
e totally alone?

ycah, because its a
tough to find anyone up at four in the
morning.

PLAYBOY: You mentioned that you have to
be born with “it.” Do you suppose your
children inherited "it" from you?

TRUMP: Statistically my children have a
very bad shot, Children of successful peo-
ple are generally very, very troubled, not
successful. They don't have the right
shtick. You never know until they're tested.
But I do well with my children.

PLAYBOY: Do you think they will haye to
make
Trump: I would love them to be in business
with me, but ninety-five percent of those
children fail in a sophisticated big b
ness It takes confidence, intelligence,
shtick. If any one of these traits is missing,
you're not going to make it.

PLAYBOY: You've always said that you
earned, not inherited, your empire, that
adversity and uphill struggles made you
stronger. What kind of adversity can your.
children experience?

TRUMP: I'm a strong believer in genes, that
my kids can be brought up without adver-
sity and respond well if they have the
genes. I have a friend who is extraordinar-
ily smart. But he never became successful,
because he couldn't take pressure. He was
buying a home and it was literally ki
him—a man of forty with an LQ. of. E
ably a hundred and ninety He called me
one day for the umpteenth time, worrying
about his mortgage and I was sitting in my
chair, thinking to myself, Here I am, buy
ing the shuttle, the Plaza Hotel, and I dont
lose an ounce of sleep over any of it. That’s
lucky genes.

PLAYBOY: Even with good genes, how can
your kids ever feel they ve lived up to what
you've accomplished?

TRUMP: I don't know that they'll have to. 1
would be happier if they were able to pre-
serve rather than build. Ет not looking to
have a great deal maker as a son, though
I'd certainly like everything to run beauti-
fully when I'm not around. I'd be happier
if my son became a great manager rather
than a great entrepreneur.

My kids are extremely well adjusted. But
1 wonder what they think when they walk
into Mar-a-Lago and sce ceilings that rise
to heights that nobody's ever seen before
And when my daughter's date picks her up
at Trump Tower in a few years and sees the
living room, how will he feel when he takes
her out and tries to impress her with a stu-
dio apartment?
PLAYBOY: Knowing all this, are you taking
any precautions?
TRUMP: It’s somewhat late. And I dont
К a paper route would work. But my
n works on the boat.
PLAYBOY: When you think about role mod-
els from history, what figures particularly
inspired you?
TRUMP: I could say Winston Churchill,
but... Гуе always thought that Louis В.
Mayer led the ultimate life, that Flo
Ziegfeld led the ultimate life, that men like
Darryl Zanuck and Harry Cohn did some
creative and beautiful things. The ult
mate job for me would have been running
MGM ics and Forties—pre-

‘There was incredible glamour and style

“When somebody tries
to sucker-punch me, when
they're after my ass, I push
back a hell of a lot harder

than I was pushed in

the first place.”

in those days thats gone now. And that’s
when you could control situations. In those
days, when your great actor was an alco-
holic, and nobody ever found out—that
was having tremendous control over
things, which would be impossible today:
PLAYBOY: You talk about glamour and style
being gone—but isn't that what you tried
to bring back to New York?

TRUMP: Yes, but not in show business, in my
business. The Plaza Hotel is far more valu-
able than any movie I could make. If I put
together a string of movies that were all
hits, I couldn't have made anywhere near
what | made in real estate, I believe Гуе
added show business fo the real-estate busi-
ness, and that’s been a positive for my
properties and in my life.

PLAYBOY: So building that second huge
yacht isn't an act of gaudy excess but anoth-
er act in the show?

TRUMP: Well, it draws people. It will be the
eighth wonder of the world and will create
an aura that seems to work. It will cost me
two hundred million dollars. But I don't.
need it! | could be very happy living in a.
one-bedroom apartment. I used to live

that life. In the early Seventies, I lived in a
studio apartment overlooking а water
tank.

PLAYBOY: If you were starting over again,
in what business would you choose to make
your fortune?

TRUMP: Good question. . . . There's some-
thing about mother earth that's awfully
good, and mother earth is still real estate.
With the right financing, you've essentially
invested no money. Publishing, movies,
broadcasting are tougher, and there aren't
100 many Rupert Murdochs, Si Newhous-
es, Robert Maxwells and Punch Sulzberg-
ers. I'll stick to real estate.

PLAYBOY: What about the stock market?
TRUMP: lts a crap shoot. Real estate is
something solid. It’s brick, mortar.
PLAYBOY: Do you regret your statements to
the press after the October 1987 crash,
when you seemed to gloat about getting
out in time when others were wiped out?
TRUMP: No. I didnt gloat Somebody re-
ported that 1 was out of the market and 1
confirmed it. I dont know if that's talent or
luck or instinct. I then went back into the
market after the crash. I think the cash
market is the great one right now—cash is
king, and that’s one of the beauties of the
casino business,

PLAYBOY: You seem very pleasant and
charming during interviews, yet you talk
constantly about toughness. Do you put on
an act for us?

think everybody has to have some
ring system Г
have had the same people working for me
for years. Rarely does anybody leave me.
But when somebody tries to sucker-punch
me, when they're after my ass, 1 push back
a hell of a lot harder than 1 was pushed in
the first place. If somebody tries to push
me around, he's going to pay a price.
Those people dont come back for seconds.
I don't like being pushed around or taken
advantage of. And that's one of the prob-
lems with our country today. This country
is being pushed around by everyone —
PLAYBOY: About your own toughness.
TRUMP: Well, as I said, I study people and
in every negotiation, I weigh how tough I
should appear. 1 can be a killer and a nice
guy. You have to be everything. You have to
be strong. You have to be sweet. You have
to be ruthless. And 1 don't think any of it
can be learned. Fither you haye it or you
don't. And that is why most kids can get
straight A's in school but fail in life.

PLAYBOY: Is there a master plan to your
deal making or is it all improvisational?
TRUMP: Irs much more improvisational
than people might think.

PLAYBOY: As you continue to make more
deals, as you accumulate more and more,
there's a central question that arises about
Donald Trump: How much is enough?
TRUMP: As long as I enjoy what I'm doing
without getting bored or tired .. . the sky's

the limit.

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thanks to bigots, the music indus-
try's dirty little secret is on the air

article By DAVE MARSH

NOBODY GETS OUT of the: live. Last
October, Guns n' Roses was one of the
opening acts for the Rolling Stones’ show
at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum.
The other act on the bill was Living

lour. Despite suggestions that the
world’s best all-black rock band would do
something more provocative, Living
Colour played its set straight through with-
out comment. But what could be more
provocative than such songs as Open Letior
to a Landlord, Which Way to America and
Funny Vibe? Especially the last, sung by
ioung black men who've had it with get-
ting the fisheye from white folks for no
good reason: “No, I'm not gonna rob you /
No, I'm not gonna rape you/ No, lm not
gonna beat you / So why you want to give
me that funny vibe?"

Fifteen minutes after Living Colour's
set, Guns m Roses, whose essence is

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY

PLAYBOY

provocation, headed for the stage and
ran into Living Colour bassist Muzz
Skillings standing in the wings. Axl Rosc,
Guns n' Roses’ lead singer and chief
songwriter, confronted him in an angry
mood about criticisms of G&R's song One
in a Million. Living Colour guitarist Ver-
non Reid and drummer Will Calhoun
ripped it on a local radio show. The
song depicts Roses first day in Los Ange-
les, where he'd just arrived by bus from
southern Indiana. The rant gocs, "Police
and niggers, that's right, get out of my
way... . Immigrants and faggots, they make
no sense to me / They come to our coun-
try and think they'll do as they please.”
Rose harangued Skillings- for several
minutes with specious justifications for
his apparent bigotry; Skillings mildly
suggested that Axl Rose take the subject
up with Reid and Calhoun. G&R then
took the stage and Rose dived into
tirade about using the word nigger, con-
cluding eloquently, "All you people
calling me a racist, shove your head up
your fuckin’ ass.
Vernon Reid was reported to be upset
the next day, not because of anything Liv-
ing Colour or Guns п’ Roses had said ог
played but because many in the audience
of 70,000 had cheered whenever Rose
d nigger. In America, apparently, mu-

sic is not the only universal language
In the past year, rock's Ebony and Ivory

dream has exploded as overt

rushed

ism

far past the exhortations of
ist skinheads at the postpunk
into the scene's central currents.
Rather than being dominated by the
moist brotherhood fantasia of We Are the
World, rock has revealed naked bigotry
as a pair of its most adventuresome
s, G Roses and Public Enemy,
became en hed in chilling incidents of
racial friction. This isnt just another
bad-boy pose. It's for real, an unfolding
of the endemic segregation at the heart
of the day-to-day business of the m
world. What's new is that, in the after-
math of the affirmative-action era, hard-
ly anyone is even pausing to apologize for
making big bucks off bigotry.

In November 1988, Geffen Records re-
leased G n’ R Lies, a quickie project de-
signed to cash in on the megaplatinum
success of Guns n' Roses’ debut LP, Ap-
petile for Destruction. Lies featured One in
a Million but with not a hint of the
groups usual thrashing heavy metal.
(Appetite also had generated controversy
with an original cover portraying a half-
naked woman bashed, battered and pre-
sumably raped by cartoon monsters.)

In late May 1989, The Washington
Times published an imerview with Pro-
fessor Griff, “minister of defense” for
Public Enemy, a hip-hop group whose
platinum /t Takes a Nation of Millions to
Hold Us Back won The Village Voice's 1988
national critics poll for best album. Griff

made a variety of blatantly anti-Semitic
comments to writer David Mills, includ-
ing assertions that Jews were responsible
for “the majority of wickedness that goes
on around the globe" and that they co
trol the jewelry busi i

dence... that it’s named Jew-eiry?”)

posturing to a journ:
Del James, his “best f
editor of the heav:

ceeded to dig himself an even deeper
hole. "I used words like police and nigger
because you're not allowed to usc the
word nigger,” he said, “I don't like
boundaries of any kind. I don't like being
told what 1 can and what I can't say. |
used the word nigger because it's a word
to describe somebody that is basically a
pain in your life, a problem.” He went on
to say that his use of the word immi-
grants referred to Middle Fasterners
and Asians who work in “convenience
stores and gas stations [and] treat you
like you don't belong here.” He justified
his use of the word faggot because of
"some very bad experiences with homo-
sexuals. . . . Fm not into gay or bisexual
experiences. But that’s hypocritical of
me, because Га rather see two women to-
gether than just about anything else.
"That happens to be my personal favorite
thing.” While denying gay ba
went on to adınit verbal harassment of
gays on the Hollywood cr

Whar's going on here? The end of the
cultural dream in which the universal
language of music brings the world to-
gether? Or the consequence of the cu
tural reality in which the music world
divided, separate but equal, and, there-
fore, inevitably produces stars in its own
itterly but unconsciously racist image?

е
I asked Charles Hamm, a Dartmouth
musicologist who has traveled to South
Africa in order to study its music, to de-
scribe the si ities between the Us
and South African music industries.

“I dont think it’s very complicated,” he
said. “In most ways, the two are very
much alike. I think it would be much
more difficult to find differences.” The
only one he could think of: In America
there are black-owned record companies
and radio stations.

Everybody in the n world knows
that separate but equal is its essence. In
talking with a few dozen people—per-
formers, industry executives, broadcast-
ers, managers, journalists—for this
article, I discovered that that was the
point almost everyone agreed on. 1 found
only one person who disagreed. That was
James Brown. He was calling collect
from the South Carolina Prison that's to
be his residence for the next six years.

“Pm not oe ker se of
Americas not r " Brown i

half-hysterical, self-promoting styl
But the fact ake it almost impossible to
believe his claim.

Since Brown's 1988-arrest, he has been
charged, legally and journalistically, with
carrying a gun, fleeing police and their
gunfire during a high-speed chase acro
state lines in South Carolina and Geor-

i fe beating. He
is currently doing six years in the State
Park Correctional Center in South Caro-
‚ for the first two charges; a similar
sentence is on the books in Georgia. He
complains that he was unfairly convicted
of those crimes and that the tabloid innu-
endo is inaccurate and unfair.

Brown isn't Nelson Mandela, but he i
the most influential American pop musi-
ап of the post-World War ‘Iwo cra.
Presuming that everything against
him is true—and a black man who Hees
police gunfire on a dark road in South
Carolina is committing no simple crime—
the question remains whether he should
be serving time in a prison rather thar
a detox center. Compare Brown to Ezra
Pound and you'll have something to
think about. Compare him to Oliver
North and you may get pissed off.
Compare Brown's case to the separate,
nequal treatment accorded Jerry Lee

is and maybe you'll just be stunned.

a band mber, abusive behavior with
his wives and a long-standing addiction
to alcohol. Yet last summer, while Brown

languished in prison, the same: media

all sorts of stories celebrating Lewis on
the occasion of the release of Great Balls
film about his life.

That's not just how the media see it. It's
how the record industry shapes images.
From the beginning, the wild unconven-
tionality of wl rockers has been ее!
as a means of marketing them. Equally
rowdy or eccentric black performers—
from Little Richard and Jackie Wilson to
Prince—are perceived as shameful. So
Lewis, the music's ultimate redneck, is a
cinema hero, while Brown, whose music
helped redefine the meaning of black-
ness in pop culture, languishes in
Racism is central to rock's role in our
public mythology. For instance, the Jerry
Lee Lewis legend includes an apocryphal
story abouta late-Fifties Alan Freed show
at the Brooklyn Paramount. In the fable,
Chuck Berry was headlining, and Lewis
responded with a ferocious show, ending
by setting his piano on fire. “Follow that,
igger,” the mythic Lewis said to Berry
as he sauntered into the wings. While
there's probably no more truth to it than
to the claim that Elvis once said “Niggers
aren't fit to do anything but shine my
shoes interesting. how often the

(continued on page 84)

7В

AND

playboy plays show and telephone with some technologically savvy ladies

corr on. for technology and score five for Playboy! If you thought that the most fun you could have with office automation was
reproducing your buns on the copy machine, we have news for you. Last year, when Managing Photo Editor Jeff Cohen sug-
gested that we ask women to fax us their photographs and biographies, we figured a handful would respond. We were wrong.

The facsimile machines installed in our photo studios worked overtime as the hottest form of communication today kept
getting hotter and hotter. Faxing everyday figures on charts and graphs from office to office turned out to be not nearly as much
fun as transmitting figures of the sort that we were looking for. Emerging from an impressive pile of nearly 100 faxes, a final
quintet—in full fax, above, and on the following pages—was chosen by our editors. The group includes a real-estate saleswoman,
an office administrator, a business owner, a hair stylist and a student. Selecting them was, to say the least, an infaxtua

A first impression can be a marvelous thing. Take, for example, our initial glimpses of faxy ladies (from left, above) Sheila Cerami, Maria
Kouzoukas and Angela Jean Deiters as they arrived over the wire in our Chicago studios. We'll be giving them more exposure on the next few
pages. Nancy Bright (opposite, with her fax inset) owns her own business in Portland, Oregon, where, she told us, there ore more at home just
like her Nancy dreams of being able to walk down the street and be recognized. Recognition you want? This is how we say, Hail, hail, Nancy.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR

Arizonan Tracy Raper faxed us (inset) fram the Tucsan real-estate brokerage office where she works. Her master plan is та be successful. Its
а ной, she says, that runs in her family. If she has that carefree, healthy look, its probably because she enjoys spending much af her free
time in the far Sauthwest in mation: swimming, daing aerabics and dancing. When her fax arrived, she certainly moved something in us. 81

Sheila Cerami (left) wants ta go fast.
Thank goodness she slawed down to fax
us the photo on the first page of this
feature. Her ambition: to be the fastest
pro women race-car driver on quorter-
mile trocks. For now, Sheilo works in
Chicago as о hoir stylist ond panders
the chemistry between men ond women.
We think she has the right formulo.

If you never thought of fox mochines os
sexy, take onother look at Angela Jean
Deiters (obove and oppasite) ond think
ogoin. After she finishes college in St.
Louis, she has her sights set on a career
in pharmoceuticol sales. Her focsimile
certainly sold us on her. Just turn on
your fax machine, Angela. We're betting
that those job offers will come rolling in.

nm,

PLAYBOY

ROCKING RACISM (continued from page 76)

“John Mellencamp had a radio programer tell him

his record couldn't be aired—it was ‘too black.

presented
in a way that makes Lewis seem heroic

Such lore beats its path straight to Axl
Rose’s door. And only slightly more cir-
cuitously to Professor Griff's. Both Rose
and ff, after all, are trying to make
sense of their own feelings of oppres-
sion—one as a working-class long-hair,
the other as a middle-class black kid.
Nothing justifies either’s verbal thugge
but it shouldn't mystify anybody, either.
The fact that both have identified false
enemies—Griff, Jews; Rose, blacks, gays
and foreigners—is the oldest, most pre-
dictable clement of this story. Racism al-
ways makes its appeal to the oppressed
themselves, as Bob Dylan made clear
when he wrote Only a Pawn in Their
Game, not about. Mississippi civil rights
leader Medgar Evers but about the delud-
ed poor white who shot him.

No matter what Brown would like to
believe, American music has been based
on racial exploitation for 100 years.
Charles Hamm's Music in the New World
is virtually an encyclopedia of musical
racism, from the mid- 19th Century min-
strel shows whose darky plantation cari-
catures gave the nation йз first great
songwriter, Stephen Foster, to the ex-
propriation by Irving Berlin, Paul
Whiteman and Glenn Miller, among
many others, of ragtime and jazz at the
expense of their black originators. In
fact, one reason Tin-Pan Alley so
adamantly opposed the postwar emer-
gence of rock and roll and rhythm-and-
blues into the Top 40 was that it actively
integrated mainstream popular music
for the first time. The problem wasn't
that white musicians were stealing from
blacks; Benny Goodman and Johnny Ray
caused none of the problems that Elvis
did. It was that white music, black music
and their audiences were intermingling
and, hence, screwing up the music indus-
trys well-entrenched color-coded mar-
keting plan.

The growing preference for Southern
R&B (in both its urban-black and rural-
white strains) led directly to the 1960
payola scandal, which amounted to lily-
white Tin-Pan Alley's defending its turf
against a barbarian invasion.

Many aspects of this battle remain un-
resolved 30 years later. “There are
dozens of ways in which the black music
community has been affected by racism,"
says Public Enemy's executive producer:
Bill Stephney a black Long Island native
with a near-perfect Top 40 radio voice
without a trace of regional or ethnic ac-

ووو

cent, naming a few: segregated radio for-
mats; the low priority record companies
give black acts when il comes to tour sup-
port, image management and other
kinds of career development; and the im-
poverished promotion and video budgets
of "special markets" (black-music) de-
partments. And he's right: Why does ev-
erybody know Robert Palmer, the Pat
Boone of his generation, and relatively
nobody Luther Vandross, the Sam Cooke
of his? Why are terms such as new music
and progressive assigned. exclusively to
white acts? Why does a $30 Michael Jack-
son ticket elicit massive criticism, while
an equally overpriced Rolling Stones
ticket is evidence of business savvy?

"The intense racism of the music busi-
ness—a business where segregation is
encouraged—has made many of us de-
featists," Stephney says.

But the consequences of the music
business’ pervasive institutional racism
are felt not by blacks alone but by every-
body. In 1987, John Cougar Mellencamp
made a video of his song Cherry Bomb
that featured a blonde woman and a
black man in a bun-hugging dance scene.
Shortly thereafter, Mellencamp received
a letter from a North Carolina chapter of
the Ku Klux Klan chastising him for race
mixing. But then, Mellencamp says that,
early in his career, he had a radio pro-
gramer tell him that one of his records
couldn't be aired because it was “too
black" As if good rock and roll could
possibly be anything else.

Musicians who try to circumvent the
record industrys unmarked race barri-
ers meet massive resistance. Take Was
(Not Was). The arty funky group was the.
brain child of white Motor City hipsters
David and Don Was, but из fronted by
the black Detroit soul singers Sir Harry
Bowens and Sweet Pea Atkinson. The
Wases had been fairly successful as a
near-underground act when they signed
with Geffen Records, which refused to
release their third album. David Was de-
scribes the material Geffen rejected as “a
very traditional-sounding R&B album,”
but Don Was was reported to have stated,
the record label “so much as said, ‘Get rid
of the black guys and go audition a Paul
Young type." (Young is a white British
singer.) Geffen A&R executives even
scheduled an open-call audition in New
York for such a vocalist. After Geffen re-
fused to free Was (Not Was), an adven-
turous A&R man at Phonogram Records
in England, David Bates, agreed to buy
out the band’s contract. The same mate-

rial, technically spruced up but still fea-
turing Bowens and Atkinson, became a
hit in England and, later, in the US. as
the album What Up, Dog? featuring Walk
the Dinosaur.

“In a way, we became Eliza Doolittle to
Batess Professor Higgins,” says David
Was. “His very own soul band that he was
gonna devise and make respectable and
have hits with. He was romantically
linked with Motown and Memphis in a
way that no American A&R guy could
be. And England not only doesn't have a
fear of American black music but actual-
ly reveres it.”

The Was (Not Was) experience sug-
gests how deeply embedded the sepa-
rate-but-never-quite-equal concept of
institutional racism remains in the
record and broadcasting industries.
“When we were signed to Island [the
groups first record label], it was at a time
when the jamming up of cultural strains
was just beginning,” said David Was. “We
wanted to make funk records with dub
overtones. And we started to, but by the
time we got to those big wide halls at
Warner Bros. [Geffen’s distributor], we
hit the wall. Who's gonna promote Was
(Not Was)? The head of black promo-
tion? He couldnt believe a white guy was
walking into his office. The first thing he
said was, ‘No pictures on the cover:

“I thought the musical climate was
right for a black artist who was kinda on
the edge. But when I took it to the record
company, people were baffled,” said
Marc Anthony Thompson, a black artist
who delivered a Talking Heads—like al
bum to Warner's. “They didnt listen to it
or try to understand it, the way they
would with someone like Sting or Paul Si-
mon, who to me just rape other cultures.”
Living Colour had it slightly easier, at
least in part because the band was
brought to Epic by Mick Jagger. Stephney
pointed out that Public Enemy, for all its
militant separatism, got to CBS only un-
der the auspices of “mainly white back-
ground people,” including the rap and
heavy-metal producer Rick Rubi

So separate but equal remains the
guiding thesis of all major record compa-
nies, Black records are assigned to the
euphemistically designated special-mar-
kets departments for marketing and pro-
motion. Except for a few crossover stars
such as Michael Jackson and Prince, budg-
ets in special markets are smaller, oppor-
tunities narrower than on the pop side.
Not surprisingly, the inequities begin
with separate and distinctly unequal roy-
alty scales for black artists below the
megastar level. Numbers are hard to
come by, but with rare exceptions—most
of them named above—black artists be-
gin with more disadvantageous contracts
and never quite catch up in subsequent

(continued on page 163)

“Guess who has the home-field advantage!”

EXE

a recently single man is
limited only by his appetites.
trouble is, he may have a
taste for just one thing

ficton
By DAN GREENBURG

“MAXIE, bubele! How ya been, kid

Max Segal got hugged, not by his
mother or father but by Dr. Tony Natale,
police shrink, one of Max's closest
friends—if, indeed, Max had any close
friends at all.

Tony Natale had been a longshoreman
in Brooklyn at the age of 16, a foot pa-
trolman at 21 and, at 32—Max's age—a
police shrink, the result of going to
School at night for about a hundred years
and earning his Ph.D. in psychology

Natale counseled burnt-out
cops and earned a fifth of what he could
have made in the private sector. Natale
had enormous, contagious energy and
enthusiasm, a hopeless Brooklyn accent
and happened to be the only adult male
not a relative whom Max allowed to hug
him. Max figured the hugging was an
Italian thing, which was not to say the
Jews weren't huggers, because they were,
only with Tony, it was different.

Natale’s office had been moved from
the ancient hole in the wall he had occu-
pied when Max met him seven years ago
toa nice. modern hole in the wall at One
Police Plaza, the impressive $58,000,000
red-brick building near the entrance to
the Brooklyn Bridge. Max had brought
along a brown-bag lunch, hoping to pick
Natale’s brains about the Smiley and
Petlin cases, though he frankly doubted
that Natale could suggest anything that
Max hadn't thought of alrea

tale. “How’s that kid of yours, eh?
“Terrific, Tony. Sam is just terrific,”
said Max. “You wouldn't believe the
things he’s saying now”
“And Babette?” he said. “Но

PLAYBOY

"She's, uh, terrific, too."

A wicked smile from Natale. “Uh-oh,”
he said. “What's going on? Marriage on
the rocks?”

Max shrugged.

“How long you guys been married
now?" said Natale. “Five years?”

“Seven.”

A throaty chuckle.

“The old seven-year itch, eh?” said Na-
tale. “You playin’ a little hide-the-pepper-
‘oni on the side?”

Max shook his head and managed a
weak smile.

“No, no, nothing like that," he said.
“Irs just... I don't know. .. over, I guess.
We don't seem to enjoy being with each
other anymore.”

Max was surprised. He hadn't intend-
ed to say that much to Natale. But then,
he hadn't intended to say chat much to
Joanie Jarvis, either. Natale was looking
at him expectantly, with an encouraging,
half-smile on his face,

“I don't know how something as great
as, as... hot as what I had with Babette
could have degenerated to what it is we
have now,” said Max miserably. “I mean,
I just don’t understand how it happened.
Do you?”

“Sure, I do,” said Natale cheerfully.

“Yeah?” said Max. “Tell me.”

“It won't do you any good,” said Natale.

“Why won't it?”

"Cause you're not ready to hear.”

“Tell me anyway,” said Max.

“OK,” he said. “Well, what happened
was fear of intimacy. The old incest ta-
boo. Things got a little too cozy, OK? Ba-
bette started looking a little too much
like family; and you heard when you were.
a kid that you weren't supposed to hump
a member of your family, so you stopped
feeling sexy with her.

Max smiled on one side of his face.

“You don't like that explanation?" Na-
tale said. "OK, here's another way to look
at it. You two got a little too close, OK? A
little too vulnerable. Being vulnerable is
scary. So, rather than risk being really
hurt in case one of you ever dumped the
other, you both pulled back to a comfort-
able distance, figuring if you ever got
dumped, it wouldn't hurt so much. Only
problem is, you can't maintain any mar-
riage worth having from a safe distance.
Ard the real irony is, pulling back didn't
keep you from being hurt, either."

Max slowly raised his eyebrows and
spread his hands.

“Г don't know, Tony" he said and
sighed. "I just don't know. Maybe you're
right. Who knows?”

“Meaning,” Natale said, “you ain't buy-
ing either one of those, right?"

“Ius just that . . . | dont know,” said
Max. “It's just that we used to be so much
in love, and now we aren't. That's what
kills me. I mean, what happened to love?”

Natale looked at Max a moment, still

smiling, his gaze stopping politely at the
surface of Max's face. And then his
gaze continued on through Max, right
through the flesh of his face and through
his skull and out the back of Max's head,
back toward the wall at the rear of the
-the-wall office. His smile faded
„like an orange sun sinking gradu-
ally into the ocean, as he waded into his
own private torments.

“Love,” said Natale, the smile now
completely faded, “is the self-delusion we
manufacture to justify the trouble we
take to have sex.”

Max said nothing, uncomfortable with
the seriousness of Natale's tone.

"When we meet a potential mate, we
can see her quite clearly for a matter of
minutes,” Natale continued. “Then our
view is obscured by a rosy fog made up of
our own dreams, our fantasies, our ex-
pectations, our hopes. After we've been
with that person for a while, for maybe a
year, the rosy fog is replaced by another
‘one, a gray one, made up of our collected
hurts and grievances. After those first
few minutes, we never see the real face of
our beloved again.”

“Yeah,” said Max. He felt that he was
talking not to his friend but to a dark en-
tity that was using his friend as a medi-
um, speaking through his lips.

Natale gradually pulled himself back
from wherever he'd been. The smile re-
turned to his lips, the twinkle to his eye.

“Hey,” said Natale, “at least I ain't bit-
ter, righ?”

“Right,” said Max. Natale’s own mar-
riage of 20 years had ended recently in a
messy divorce. Max had been told it was
Natale who'd done the splitting, but now
he wasn't sure.

“1 just follow John Dillinger's advice,”
said Natale.

“What's that?" said Max.

“Never trust a woman or an automatic
pistol.”

I wouldn't carry an automatic if they
paid me,” said Max, focusing on the
more comfortable caveat.

“Good boy,” Natale said. “And listen, if
things with Babette don't get better, get
the fuck our.

“You serious?” said Max. It seemed
odd advice froma shrink, odder yet from
someone who knew Babette and pre-
sumably liked her.

“Hell, yes, Um serious,” Natale said.
“Come and stay with me. I'm having the
time of my life, kid.’

“That so?” Max said dubiously.

more ass than a toilet seat.”

“Yeah?” Max said wistfully. He hated
hearing about anybody who was having
good sex. “Aren't you afraid of AIDS?"

“Nah,” Natale said, shaking his head.

“You use condoms?” Max said.

“I hate condoms,” Natale said. “Fuck-
ing with a condom is like fucking inside a
goddamn scuba suit. I'd rather get AIDS
than wear a condom.

Max frowned. Natale exhaled slowly,
collapsing his lungs.

“That was a stupid thing to say" Natale
said. “I don't know, maybe I got an un-
conscious death wish. To punish myself
for all the great sex I'm getting now.”

Max shrugged. Natale brightened
again.

“Seriously, Max,” he said. “These girls
are totally unself-conscious about their
bodies. To them, fucking is as natural as
eating or sleeping or pissing. And they
come in about thirty seconds. Do you
know how long it used to take me to make
Rochelle come?”

Max shook his head. He didn’t know
and he didnt want to. Before the Segal
baby and the Natale divorce, the two cou-
ples had hung out together. And Natales
wife, Rochelle, had been like an aunt.

“Hey, Tony, I didnt come here to talk
about making Rochelle come,” said Max,
irritable. “I came here to talk about a
couple of cases we got.”

Natale nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said
contritely. “I tend to get a little carried
away sometimes.”

“Right,” said Max. “So listen, you been
following the Smiley and Petlin cases?”

“Some,” said Natale. “Enough to get
the general drift.”

“We've been proceeding with the idea
its the same perp,” said Max. “And with
the idea he’s a fag.”

“Sounds reasonable,” said Natale, “see-
ing as how both victims were naked. 105

don't tend to kill men. They aren't strong
enough is the main reason. Now, as I re-
call, you never found a murder weapon,
the cause of death in both cases was
severance of the carotid artery, there was
Post-mortem disfigurement of the face
and the killer is presumed to have taken
his time before leaving the crime scene.”

Max nodded. “Yeah. So?”

“Well, let's see,” said Natale. “Killers
who bring their own weapons to a crime
scene are what the FBI calls organized.
They're planners. Stalkers. They enjoy
the hunt. Killers who disfigure their vic-
tims’ faces tend to know them pretty well.
Neck wounds are characteristic of homo-
sexual homicides, by the way.

"Yeah." said Max, "that was one |
knew"

Natale nodded. "OK," he said, "killers
who kill sadistically and slowly are old-
er—in their thirties, say They feel some
mastery of the situation. That's unlike
teenagers and killers in their early twen-
ties, who feel threatened by their victims
and need to dispose of them fast. Oh,
and Killers who spend lots of time at the
crime scene usually live nearby.

(continued on page 166)

how to get up to your
neck in style

fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE

EVER SINCE the uncomfortably starched
detachable Gladstone collar made its de-
but in the late 19th Century, collars have
defined the lines of a finely tailored shirt.
Although they're no longer detachable,
thank God, they are the finishing touch
that brings together one's jacket with a
choice of tie. Long and pointed narrow-
spread styles are hot right now, as they
both flatter a suits silhouette and high-
light a narrow-knotted tie. Men with
thin, elongated faces, however, should
opt for shirts with medium-spread col-
lars. When shopping, also look for ıhe
new high-stance buttondown and button/
tab collars that accentuate the tie by hug-
ging the neck. (Incidentally, the rule of
thumb for proper shirt-collar height is
about one half inch above the back of the
jacket collar.) Many shirt styles have bold
or antique-style stripes on ecru or off-
white backgrounds. Just remember to
wear them with a suit or a sports jacket
that has a minimal pattern. With the
resurgence of interest in men's jewelry,

cuff links and tie bars, clasps and dips

(see Ties Are Barred in Playboy on the
Scene) are back, bigger than ever. Ties are still wide, soft and colorful, with only a minimum of lining. Patterns

run from prints such as fruits and vegetables to abstracts reminiscent of another era. Tie one on today!

Stripes of all types from ultrawide to skinny are the pattern of choice for this season's dress shirts. Top to bottom: Cotton
striped dress shirt with engineered collar (thats one that has a pattern different from that of the body of the shirt) and
flapped breast pocket, by Verri, $210. Cotton dress shirt with blue dobby-weave stripes, button/tab collar and patch breast
pocket, by Bill Robinson, $60. Burgundy-striped cotton dress shirt with moderate-spread collar and French cuffs, by Geoffrey
Beene Couture, $70; shown with rectangular bevel-edged sterling-silver cuff links, by Georg Jensen from The LS Collection, $140.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO.

x — Time and great ties wait for no man, so make your cravat selection quickly. Left
A to right: Multicolor silk tie with woven floral motif, by Hugo Boss, $70. Rust-silk
р E Jacquard-ground tie with blue-polka-dot-print front and contrasting yellow-polka-
dot back, by Shamask. $70. Green-silk Jacquard-ground tie with pink-and-burgundy
eclipse-shape overprint, by Joseph Abboud, $72. Silk Jacquard tie with nostalgia
overprint, from Modules by Toshia Takahashi, $65. Handsome ecru-ground silk
tie with multicolor fruit print, by Perry Ellis from Manhattan Men's Group, $4750.
Tricolor silk Jacquard tie with abstract floral print, by Bill Robinson, $60.

id Winston Churchill Pump Iron?

HE DIDN'T WEAR
SUN BLOCK, WATCH
HIS CHOLESTEROL
OR WORRY ABOUT
CIGARS, EITHER.
GOOD THING HE
HAD TO DEAL ONLY
WITH HITLER

AND STALIN

AND NOT TODAY'S
HEALTH PURITANS

article By Geoffrey Norman oss Used to be only horses and Englishmen ate cats. But now we are
all urged to strap on the feed bag and devour oats, For our own good health, of course. When The New England Journal
of Medicine announced that the oats you ate turned around and ate cholesterol, and then scoured out your bowels, for
good measure, there were oat riots as Yuppies mobbed the health-food stores.

Oats, at least, represented hope of a distinctly dreary sort. Sunshine, on the other hand, was fear itself. Too much
would kill you, we were warned in the panic that preceded the dawn of oats. Before sunlight, it was the scarcity of calcium
that would lead to brittle bones; so across the land, otherwise sensible people paid good money for powders made of
crushed oyster shells, which they sprinkled over their spinach salads and washed down with soda water.

Eggs and butter have long been linked to certain death, along with red meat, the greatest killer of all. Sugar was bad
and salt was worse. Fating salted nuts or popcorn was almost a suicidal act. For a while, high fiber and carbohydrates
looked good

A Texan I know said about all of this, "Hell, you got to eat something."

And now it turns out you can eat oats. Porridge. Which just about takes all the fun out of eating, once and for all

Actually, you don't have to eat anything. Thousands of anorexics are proof of that. They starve themselves into hospi-
tals and asylums and, eventually, the grave. They are the grisly proof that, while what you eat may kill, what you don't eat
will, too. And if you make eating and drinking fearful enough that people refuse to put anything in their mouths (except,
perhaps, their thumbs), the average life expectancy will not increase. It may even fall. Most anorexics are young girls and
women who have been made pathologically fearful of eating. That is to say, they have been made afraid of life, which, if it
can be reduced to any one thing, is appetite. To live is to satisfy the craving that allows you to live some more. When man
first walked, all of life was devoted to the business of finding food. Now, in the last, feeble days of the 20th Century, we see
the development of an almost philosophical loathing of the very idea of appetite. We (some of (continued on page 150)

ARE YOU SURE

el Bull

HAS AN UNLISTED NUMBER?

from cellular phones to the latest satellite pagers, here's a roundup of the latest ways to keep in touch

ALITTLE MORE THAN 100 years ago, Gener-

al George Custer paid the ultimate price
for not keeping in touch at the Battle of
Liule Big Horn. Today anyone who
wants to stay in the know can board a jet.
in New York thats bound, say, for Los
Angeles and tote along a laptop comput-
er equipped with a modem for easy ac-
cess to another. personal computer or a
fax machine; a personal pager that deliy-
ers finaricial quotes, sports scores or a hot
phone number to call; or a cellular phone
that eliminates standing in line to make a
phone call. Even while aloft, it's simple to
conduct business from a cordless Airfone
system while settling back for a second
сир of coffee. So, Mr. Big, if you want to
keep in touch—really keep in touch—
here are the latest ways to do so.

THE CELLULAR CONNECTION

Car cellular phones have become so
commonplace that it’s almost impossible
not to spot a driver of a BMW or a Jaguar
who isn't conducting a conversation into

space with onc hand clamped to his ear.

modern living By DAWN GORDON

But if you want to stay ahead of your up-
wardly mobile phone buddies, the latest
trend in cellular technology is the combi-
nation phone. Low-power portable mod-
els such as NEC's P300, Panasonic's
EB-KJ3500 and Audiovox’ CTX-5000
are now small enough to be toted in a
purse ora raincoat pocket, and they have
the unique ability to be quickly trans-
formed into car phones. Prices range
from $1300 to $2000.

The 107-ounce Motorola Micro TAC
with a flip-up mouthpiece resembles a
Star Trek communications device, though
earth-to-orbit communication isn't one of
its options. This portable phone, about
the size of a checkbook, offers continuous
talk time of 30 minutes using a snap-on
slim battery or as much as 75 minutes of
talk time with its heavier standard bat-
tery. It sells for about $2500—$3500, de-
pendingon which features are added

Cellular communications will enter the
digital age over the next few years as the
proposed digital cellular standard be-

comes a reali

y This new technology will

PHOTOGRAPHY BY KENT BARKER

deliver many more calls per cell with few-
er busy signals. Don't expect this new sys-
tem to be cheap. The first digital cellular
phones will be much more expensive
than the current crop.

FAR-REACHING FAX

If your keep-in-touch wish list includes

a fax machine built into every pay phone,

dont hold your breath. But thanks to
some innovative engineering, the age of
the portable fax is here and with it will
come the ability to use Airfone (more
about this follows) or a phone booth as

your personal

Right: Custer makes his
last stand using an Alpine
9530 Mobile Cellular Phone
that offers 832-channel
Capability, hand-iree oper-
ation, signal-strength mon-
itor, mute button and
100-number memory, plus
three one-touch speed-
dialing memory, $800.
When coupled with the
9709 Transportable Kit
(which is hanging from the
general's saddle hom),
the phone can be taken on
the trail using rechargeable

facsimile-trans-

mission center.

Weighing a
scant seven
pounds and
measuring only
9" x 19".
the Nissei Cour-

about

ier 53 portable

fax (continued batteries or it can be
plugged into your horse's
on page 160) Cigarette lighter, $450.

№

(9 В < ш.

opinion

By ALICE KAHN

WHY
GUYS
CAN’T
SAY

TUNE OU

and
why
women
can't
stand
it

ting on a balcony overlooking San Francisco Bay with

a trio of strange men. We were all guests at a
Passover Seder, and since this was California, we were
drinking sauvignon blanc instead of Manischewitz and
we were talking about scx instead of God.

The men were all ex-Bachelors, members of a boys’
club called the Bachelors when they were students at Bev-
erly Hills High School in the late Sixties. One Bachelor
was happily married, one was recently divorced and one
was still a bachelor. They began to sing old Bachelor
songs and tell old Bachelor jokes and talk about having a
Bachelors’ reunion.

I asked if they'd be inviting their old girlfriends, and
somehow, the discussion fell to a certain girl, a girl who
worked the whole Bachelor crowd like a software sales-
man networking a hardware convention.

“She was always trying to get you to say ‘I love you,"
said Bachelor number one.

“Yeah, yeah—no ‘I love you,’ no hand job,” said Bache-
lor number two.

Т asked if any of them had ever actually said it. "Hell,
no" came the Bachelor chorus. I noted a distinct better-
dead-than-"l love you”-said attitude among these men. I
began to wonder, Is saying "I love you" the male equiva-
lent of putting ош?

I thought of those black-and-white movies where the

( N A BEAUTIFUL evening last spring, I found myself sit-

ILLUSTRATION BY GLY BILLOUT

PLAYBOY

100

woman suddenly sits up in bed and turns
away from the man. Then he lights a
cigarette and says,
words?”

“Do you need the

yes. Women need the words. But

There are a number of ways to re-
search a question like this and I have tak-
en both the high and the low roadsin this
article. I considered the ladies’-magazine
approach, which meant consulting “ex-
perts.” I thought about calling noted
therapists. But I knew what they would
say: Men fear commitment and intimacy
and bonding. They would use the words
commitment and intimacy and bonding
so often that they would begin to sound
like items on a shopping list. “Honey,
while youre out, pick me up a pound of
fresh-ground commitment.”

Better to do some field studies. I decid-
cd to go directly to the workers, those no-
ble men and women toiling in the fields
of love and sex. I put the questions “Why
don't men want to say ‘I love you?” and
“Why do women need to hear the words 1
love you?” out on my computer network.
With some editing, 1 have come up with
the following lists of profound insights
into the issues.

THE ТОР TEN REASONS MEN WONT SAY
“1 LOVE You"
. They don't mean it.
. They want to get laid but not that
bad.

3. Their fathers didn't say it to their
mothers.

4. Their fathers didn't say it to them.

5. They don't want to be trapped in
some long-term thing.

6. They've said it before and found out
they were wrong,

7. They think its more hip to say it to

other men, like Sammy to Frank.

It will lead to “ГИ marry you."

It has become a throwaway phrase.

If they say it, their dicks will fall off.

S5»

THE TOPTEN REASONS WOMEN WANT MEN
TO SAY “I LOVE YOU"

They need the words.

Girls arc raised to think love is im-

portant.

3. They can brag to their friends that
they got him to do it.

4. It makes them feel all tingly to hea:

5. A woman wants a sign of commit-

ment.

Biological reasons—words go with

the flow.

7. It makes up for what a jerk he is the

rest of the time.

It makes sex better.

. Then the woman can s
out risking rejection.
10. The woman wants to эсс his dick fall

off.
While all these reasons haye the clear
ring of truth and the slight odor of bull-

y it back with-

shit, they lack the depth of an individual
perspective. For that, 1 consulted two
love professionals. I spoke with my friend
Rock, who has been with one woman
for 25 vears, and with my friend Spike,
who has been with many women for 2
minutes.

Both are obsessed with love in their
own ways. Besides being monogamous,
Rock (known professionally as Dr. John
Boe) is a professor of love—lecturing on
the subject at universities and coffee-
houses. He has even produced his own
tape, John Boe on Lave.

Spike is a professional hunter, devoted
to the search for what he likes to call the
primal beaver. He deplores the fact that
his work as а chemist takes so much time
away from his experiment to achieve the
perfect chemistry:

“Spike,” 1 said to him over drinks re-
cently, “how many women do you esti-
mate you've actually been with?”

He thought it over carefully. As a man
of science, Spike takes numbers serious!
He went through the Rolodex of hi
mind a few minutes and finally said, “Ap-
proximately one thousand.”

“And of those thousand, to how many
have you said “1 love vou'?" I asked him

Without taking too much time, he sai
"Seven."

I laughed and spit out some chardon-

You think that’s a lot?" he said, sip-
is Bohemia
1 said. “You're a scientist. Docs a
seven-ourof-athousand chance sound
high to you?”

"Well, I'm very careful about language
in those moments,” he continued. “I
know you think I lie а lot—which I do.
but not about that. Most people are inca
pable of a serious relationship, so when
I'm with someone, I try to decide: Is this
just fun for the evening? I dor't want to
hurt anyone, so I stick to a minimum of
verbalization. It's supposed to be fun, just.
a date, not a contract. Im not going to try
to get laid with 1 love уо

“I know," I told him. “As Elvis said, ‘Its
a very sacred thing to me!”

“Women attach a lot of importance to

when you say something

steak wasn't well cooked; Women may
not remember where they parked the car,
but they remember the exact time you
committed to them. When you say ‘I love
you,’ they believe it.”

Why do they want to hear it?

“Women have more agendas than men
do. The younger ones want to get mar-
ried and have children. The older ones
want money and security. Once you say
love you,’ the ball's in their court. They
can proceed with the agenda."

“Have you ever felt that women were
manipulating you, trying to get you to
say the words, trying to get your balls in

their court?”

“Well, the best one was the therapist
who told me that she loved me. Then she
looked me in the eye and said, “How do
you feel about һа?”

I wondered how many of that group
we now called The Spike 1000 had tried
to get him to talk about his feelings.
Did he think women were, in fact, more
verbal?

“Theyre very verbal about the rela-
tionship, about when this will happen
again, but almost mute about details like
where I should put my finger. Women
may need verbal foreplay, but they don't
like to talk about how to do it.”

What do The 1000 like to talk about

And what does Spike like to talk about
before sex?

“I used to say anything— I've got eight
now—be-
a system,
a different way of approaching people
other than my regulars, or my regs, as I
like to call repeaters. | usually have
several relationships going—somewhere
between just getting big and saying ‘I
love you.”

“But I'm careful. Part of love is allow-
ing yourself to be dependent on some-
уои can jack uff ur do it
- Yet you can't just go looking
like with an ad. I'm a romance
junkie. I love to be in love and have some-
‘one love me. If it happens, great; but you
can't be a professional and feel bad. 1 love
naked women, but I'm not going to say ‘I
love vou' unless someone really moves
me.”

I thanked him for sharing with me.
“Always a pleasure,” said Spike.

A few days later, I met with Rock, the
year, one-woman man, the professor
of love-ology, the author of the love tape.
He came amazingly close to Spike, the
25-minute man, as he explained why
men dont like to say “I love you.’

“Men take love seriously and don't
want to waste the word,” he explained
over lunch. “Men actually believe in love.
Women want to talk about love, figure it
out, think of the economic side. Marriage
was an cconomic arrangement until re-
cently. The Puritans invented marrying
for love when they said, ‘If I can’t fuck, I
might as well get married."

"My marriage has nothing to do with
being in love. Love is what I have. In a
marriage, you know the person, youre
not just struck by an arrow. Being in love
is being possessed. Men fall harder.
Women know love can go wrong, that
love is actually creepy.”

(concluded оп page 162)

bnk brown

“Move your ass a little, will you, Katrinka? I don’t do still lifes.”

DARING
DEBORAH

meet the intrepid miss driggs,
whose favorite adventure is life

“TM DARING,” says Deborah Driggs. “Im
outgoing, edgy—an explorer. There's
not a lot 1 haven't done, but if you have
any ideas, try me.” Miss March hails from
sunny Southern California, where new
ideas are a dime a dozen. While her
schoolmates—male and female alike—at
Orange County's Saddleback College
were bleaching their hair to match the lo-
cal beachin’ ideal, she stubbornly re-
mained a brunette. “This is my virgin
hair,” she says, shaking it out over her
shoulders. Deborah Driggs, no slave to

fashion, makes her own rules. She spent
her formative years as a junior figure
skater, wowing the crowds at ice palaces
throughout the Los Angeles Basin. She
remembers waking at four лм and prac-
ticing until 7:30, then racing to school,
changing her clothes in the back seat of
her mothers car. “Mom would tell me
when a truck was coming, so I could cov-
er up.” A potential champion, she quit
skating when she was still a teen. No dis-
cipline could hold her for long. At first,
she says, she searched for an outlet for
the energy she had put into skating com-
petition. “When something that used to
take up all your time stops, you have to
search for something new,” says Debo-
rah. “I did a little drinking. I even tried
drugs. That wasn't for me. So I decided
to go all out for life” Give the woman a

ten. She may not be as famous as
Katarina Witt—yet—but Miss March has

After years af the figure-skating grind—twice-o-day practice, 365 days a year, for a dec-
ade— Deborah burned aut on regimentotian. She's enjoying life these days. “Acting is tough,
but I love it. Dressing up, living in on imaginative warld—thot's what | want to do fram naw on.”

cornered the market in style points. As a cheerleader (“song leader”) at Saddleback
College, she sang her heart out for the Gauchos, who made her homecoming queen in
1983. After college, Miss March took the advice of dozens of friends and resolved to
concentrate on modeling. Her first job, a TV ad for a Japanese coffee creamer called
Creep Christy, paid $700 a day. "I said to myself, ‘I think I can stand this.” Modeling
built her bank account; ambition fueled her drive to take up acting. Now a familiar
face in L-A., she does compulsories, Hollywood style—every night, she digs angst out
of her soul in acting classes. “I don't want to sound like every other young actor,” she
says (Deborah thinks the distinction between actor and actress is sexist), "and say Гат
going to win an Oscar. I mean, I know I've got a lot of work ahead of me. But you
never know if you don't try, right?” Deborah Driggs is outgoing, edgy, curious—and
determined. She knows there are thousands of young beauties in Hollywood angling
forthe same acting jobs she wants. No matter. All a woman can do is her best. “I'm just.
intense enough to think that if you have it inside you—the need to perform—good

107

108

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

things can happen.” Miss March says she is between relationships this year. She broke
off an engagement in February of 1989—“That was a tough Valentines Day"—
and has not had a steady man since. “I know Prince Charming is going to ride
up on his Harley someday,” she says. “When he does, РИ be ready” She has an idea
of what her prince will be like. Hell have a fast motorcycle, for one thing. Reserva-
tions at a four-star hotel in San Francisco, for another. He will be gentlemanly and
funny. And an amateur masseur. After that, anything goes. “Surprise me. I like to be
blown away. Nothing ordinary. Something to get your engine going.” Advice for
student princes: “Try something new. Take me away. All of а sudden—boom!—I'm
yours.” This month, she charms millions of Playboy readers. Next year, the world.

If you want to get close to Miss March, try patient passion. “I'm a very passionote person,” she
says, “but not ot first. When we meet, be o gentleman. Take me to dinner ot o great Itolion
restaurant. After that, o massage. Ahhh. Later on, maybe, we'll get to the wild, kinky stuff.”

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

we: DebowA Driggs )
ws: IF wis: 23 ane D _
HEIGHT: SA" унтент: //0
BIRTH рате: Z2-/3-6 7 smur: klad, las
AMBITIONS: ZO ACV m JE NDE orl
AN actress butaka as a respectable human locns.
mov: A Guaro Vet Sa се Suit w/the right man
writ fa Dot win AASR |
manors: 4 date planed to the lost mince f
anegarıre bank account | negate Degore l
1999: Zum AN Opis Z — Ac cas!) i
Ac an kadimiy Award LF nor zc name my
first Kid Oscar NZ
PRINCE CHARMING: 2 SA. Ок
Ars very s / ЕЕ)
ROLE MODELS: GCF S d /

Me ; Al Рај al
BIGGEST FEAR: 22 » салал VANNOA.
LINGERIE I'M WEARING: p» nal — NONE” /

"EE Ter Starr : ПАК e 74
Conc 10 Уй good с

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

Arriving home early one afternoon, a man
found his wile lying naked in the bedroom. Gaz-
ing around, he spotted a pair of bare feet pro-
truding from under the curtains.

"Who the hell are you?" he yelled as he
whipped the curtains back.

“Tm from the Government.” replied the quic
witted man. “I'm a moth inspector."

"Oh, yeah? What are you doing stark-nake

“Oh, my God!” he exclaimed, glancing down.
"I'm too late.

Whats the difference between lawyers and vul-
tures? Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.

Mikhail Gorbachev woke up one morning feel-
ing great. He walked to his window, saw the sun
coming up and crowed, "Good morning, sun!"

As he turned away, he was startled to hear a
great, booming voice say, "Good morning, Cc
rade. Good morning to vou and the great Union
of Soviet Socialist Republics."

Gorbachev quickly woke Rai closest
aides, took them to the window and said, “Good
morning, Comrade sun.”

Again the voice boomed, “Good morning,
Comrade. Good morning to you and to the rest
of the glorious party.”

Gorbachev sat down to his days work, con-
vinced he was destiny child. Later, as the sun
was setting, he walked to the window and said,
“Good evening to you, Comrade sun.” When no
response came, he repeated the salutation again
and again, growing increasingly impatient with
the silence. "Sun! I'm talking to you!” he sudden-
ly screamed

“Fuck you, asshole!
“Fm in the West now!

е thundered back

e the three words you dr ic Most

King love? “Honey, I'm home.”

On his honeymoon, an elderly man turned to
his young bride, comy “Darling, you're
gonna kill me. How can I tell if Tm having an or-
п or a heart attack?”

"That's easy,” she responded. “I you grab your
chest, i's a heart attack; if you gr:
orgasm.

Just a few more questions,” the Postal Service
interviewer told the job applicant. you a
veteran?”

“Yes, sir”

"Did you see action?"

“Yes, sir. Vietnan

“Were you ever wounded?”
Got my testicles shot off.”
in that ease,” the interviewer said,
o on. You've got the job. We
start here at eight o'clock, but you can come in at
ten”

“If everyone else comes in at ci
1 come 25

“Bei м.
balls for two hours."

ght, why should

round and scratch. our

You know you're having a bad day when the
town nymphomaniac tells you she likes you, but
just as a friend.

А. the woman was instructing the new maid on
the great care required in handling certain valu-
able household objects, she pointed to the dining
room and said with obvious satisfaction hat
table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth

“Oh, that’s nothing,” the maid interjected. “My
whole living-room set goes back to Sears the
fifteenth.

What do Brooklyn and panty hose have
mon? Flatbush

n com-

An attractive woman walked
a Manhattan office build:
alone with Donald Trump. As the elevator began
to rise, she turned to him and said, “You know,
Mr. Trump, if 1 push this red button. the elevator
will stop and I could kneel down and give you the
best damn blow job you've ever had.

“Um sure you could,” Trump replied, “but
what's in it for nx

1 elevator in
g and found herself

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy,
680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, {ll
60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

¡SP ASK ASES Min Ue

ER,

LA BER
FH

GAL A
E
DELL

7
77

y
>

“Heres his left foot.”

115

116

BIG DEAL!

buy some land at a place called

Golfio, on the Pacific coast just
north of the border of Panama. A man in
Florida had been sending me property
listings and I could hardly believe the
prices he quoted. Talk about bargains!

“Three acres with a nice sandy beach
оп the ocean side with jumbo shrimpand
sport fishing right off the property, all for
just $6000."

"Fish-smoking business with buyers for
all that you can smoke. Business with all
equipment, house and 65 acres—all of-
fered for $55,000, with terms."

Other listings described beautiful
sandy ocean beaches with palms and
fruit trees and fresh-water rivers, ocean
fishing at your front door, coconuts all
over the property. The prospectus said:
"Costa Rica is the ideal country with a
very favorable government attitude to-
ward foreign property holders and
buyers. It is, undoubtedly, the most sta-
ble, peaceful and law-abiding of all of the
countries in Latin America and has often
been called the Switzerland of Latin
America, though it does not even have a
standing army... If you are interested
in Costa Rican property we urge that
you arrange to contact our broker/agent
directly—let him know what you want
and be ready to go down and have a look
for yourself.”

I was very excited. It was what I'd al-
ways wanted, a tropical Switzerland with
jumbo shrimp and the Pacific Ocean at
my front door. I could learn how to
smoke fish. Better still, I could live off the
business!

I was excited, and anxious. Other peo-
ple would know about these opportu-
nities. There was no time to lose. I

| went pown to Costa Rica recently to

telephoned the man in Florida. He gave
me the number of his broker/agent in
Costa Rica, a gentleman by the name of
Loren Pogue. Mr. Pogue, when I called
him, spoke with the accents of the rural
South. He assured me that everything
I'd read about property bargains in
Costa Rica was true. "Why, they re just ly-
in’ on the ground, waitin’ for someone to
come pick 'em up." And not only that,
Mr. Fogue told me with a warm and de-
lightful chuckle, I could put my money in
the bank in Costa Rica and earn 28 per-
cent interest on it! Astounding! At my
bank in Chicago, I'm lucky to make six
percent.

Costa Rica, clearly, was a kind of par
adise. | was tempted to buy something
over the phone. My dear wife was against
this. She said I would be out of my mind,
if I had a mind to go out of. For a woman
who has sailed the Atlantic, she is not as
adventurous as she should be.

Mr. Pogue had promised to send fur-
ther details of his listings in Golfito but
warned that the mails were often held up
and that I shouldn't postpone my trip to.
wait for their arrival. Nonetheless, 1 put it
off for a couple of weeks and then, when
nothing came, flew fom Chicago to San
José, Costa Rica, via Miami.

In San José, I checked in at the down-
town hotel where Mr. Pogue had said I
should use his name and ask for the cor-
porate rate. My Spanish is, unfortunately,
restricted to the words huevos and peligro
and I was unable to make much headway
with the clerk, who at first registered me
as Señor Pogue and then summoned an
English-speaking security man who
questioned me sharply about the name
on my credit card.

With this misunderstanding cleared

PARADISE

we all dream about a little stretch of beach
to call home. our reporter made the
mistake of actually going there

article By REG POTTERTON

ILLUSTRATION BY BRALDT BRALOS.

PLAYBOY

118

up, the immediate problem was to booka
seat to Golfito for the next and only daily
flight the following morning. The hotel
people made it clear that there was no
chance. Seats were booked for months in
advance, they said. There was a good-na-
tured argument about departure times:
The plane didn't leave at seven, it left at
six. Sometimes it left at five. Whenever it
left, though, it was always full. Mr. Pogue
had told me that the plane always left at
seven au. Not so, said the man at the
desk. Furthermore, it was impossible to
confirm anything until the morning be-
cause everything was closed now. Also,
the departure was from a small airpoı
not the main San José airport. It took ei-
ther half an hour to drive to the small
airport or five minutes, depending on a
word that I couldnt understand and that
the security man, with all his knowledge
of English, was unable to translate. lt
sounded like mondifongo. 1 couldn't get to
the airport unless the mondifongo worked
in my favor. I felt tired and hungry. I
went to my room, called room service, or-
dered some huevos and called Loren

ue.

Mr. Pogue didnt answer his telephone.
A woman who spoke a form of English
said that he had gone to a place that
sounded like Chunga Chunga. He would
be back another time when he comes
back again later, maybe. I called the front
desk and put in a wake-up call for six

There were notices on the wall: THE vi
IT OF THE OPFOSIT SEX IN THE ROMS ARE NOT
ALOUD and FOR SECURITY PURPOSE DO NOT
USE NO IRON IN THE ROMS, both signed,
THANI MANGEMENT.

1 la ial reading The Tico Times, a
weekly publication that describes itself as
"Central America’s Leading English-
Language Newspaper" On the front
page was a story headlined “KILLER BEE AT-
TACK: IGNORANCE PLUS INATTENTION LED TO
HORROR." A personal report written by
Dery Dyer, it began: "I should have paid
more attention to [the warnings in] The
Tico Times. If I had, our three beloved
parrots might still be alive. Lory, Minnie
and Louie were stung to death July 13 in
their outdoor aviary by a swarm of en-
raged Africanized killer bees that had
been living in the ceiling of our house in
the hills of Escazu, west of San Jose.”

My first thought was, Thank God it
wasn't Golfito.

Bees worry me, even ordinary ones. I'd
heard of African killer bees but had for-
gotten about them. I associated them
with the Weekly World News, a tabloid that
once ran a story called "SCIENTISTS DISCOV-
ER LOST JUNGLE TRIBE OF AL JOLSON LOOK-
ALIKES.”

Killer bees. Parrot assassins! Creatures
that would murder a parrot, let alone
three parrots called Lory, Minnie and
Louie, are beyond human mercy 1 read
on. The attack sounded as if it had come

from a horror film.

“There was no time to do anything but
react. I was in our house; Diego and San-
dra, the son and daughter of our house-
keeper, Ana, were іп Апаз house, some
100 feet away. Tearing madly through
clouds of frenzied bees, the three of us
managed to get four of the five yelping
dogs and the three screaming parrots in-
side, plunging with them into the show-
ers to wash the clinging, stinging insects
off the animals and ourselves. The bees
didn't buzz so much as whine—a horrify-
ing, sad-angry sound I hope I never hear
again. . .. The water drowned the attack-
ers, but it was too late for the poor par-
rots. Two of them died in the shower; the
third hung on for another half hour be-
fore succumbing. The floors of the show-
ers in both houses were black with dead
bee:

Mrs. Dyer reported that the bees had
held both houses under siege on all sides
for several hours, “humming threaten-
ingly" She herself had been stung 97
times, not including the stings on her
head. Family members were sick for
weeks afterward. Her dermatologist
warned her that she should consider her-
self so sensitive to bee venom that she
could die from a single sting.

In an accompanying report, I learned
that the African bees had arrived in
Costa Rica in 1982 and had attacked
nearly 500 people, causing seven deaths
and Killing countless animals. They had.
almost completely displaced the native
strain of bees and, because of inbreed-
ing, were indistinguishable from the fa-
miliar honeybee. The annual Costa
Rican honey harvest had been reduced
from 2000 tons in pre-invasion days 10
540 tons. According to The Tico Times,
the bees are scheduled to arrive in Texas
this spring.

I lay on my narrow bed and wondered.
whether I should go downstairs and buy
some cigarettes. | had stopped smoking
last year, but now 1 felt the urge again. It
seemed that everyone in the adjoining
rooms was awake. On one side, there was
hysterical screaming and applause, possi-
bly a TV game show; on the other, the
savage roaring of a station that had gone
off the air. Perhaps the people in that
room were unconscious or dead.

The eggs arrived just after Га fallen
asleep. They had been cooked in a
swamp of deep congealed fat and were
surprisingly cold. It wasn't until later the
next day that I realized I had tipped the
waiter the equivalent of $12.

It was difficult to sleep. I had asked for
a quiet room. This one had an air condi-
tioner in the bedroom window and an-
other in the bathroom window. Both
rooms overlooked an air shaft lined with
identical rows of windows and air condi-
toner. Even with both of my units
switched off, the room throbbed and

roared throughout the night.

In the morning, the front-desk clerk
called the airport to ask about the Golfito
plane. It had already taken off. The clerk.
was apologetic. "Usually, it leaves at sev-
en, but today, it went at six,” he said.

Icalled Mr. Pogue. To my relief, he an-
swered the phone. I told him I had
missed the plane but that it didn't matter,
since the airline said all the flights were
full for the next month. anyway. Mr.
Pogue didnt say anything at first. Then
he said, “Bastards, those bastards.” Swift-
lv apologizing for this lapse, he said.
"They always tell people the flights are
full. They told me the same thing last
week, but my plane had eight empty seats
on

It was now Thursday morning. I need-
ed to be back in Chicago by Monday
morning. 1f I wanted to get to Golfito, I
would have to rent a car and drive there.
“How far is it and how long will it take?” I
asked Mr. Pogue.

“Ooh, you're lookin’ at about, say, may-
be four, five, six hours on the road,” he
said. | gathered that he himself hadn't
actually driven from San José to Golfito,
but he'd heard the road surface was pret-
ty good all the way. Regular paying kind
of thing, couple of potholes here and
there, but, hey, this aint the L.A. freeway,
chuckle, chuckle. I was looking forward
to our meeting.

I wanted to drive just one way, San José
to Golfito. By coincidence, a friend was
delivering a fishing boat from Florida to
California, and we'd arranged to ren-
dezvous at Golfito that very day. My plan.
was to leaye the car at the rental firm's
Golfito office and take the boat to
Puntarenas, farther north on the Costa
Rican coast. From there, I would make
my own way back to San José for the re-
turn flight to Chicago.

The agent at the rental counter said it
was impossible to leave the car at Golfito.
There was no office there. He said some-
thing to an associate. He laughed so
hard, I thought he was going to have an

u are driving to Golfito?” asked the
agent. He looked impressed.

“The road is good, yes?” I said.

“Sometimes it's very good. Sometimes
it’s not very bad. It isinteresting. You pass
the volcano. You must take the insurance;
itisa rule.”

“How far is Golfito?”

Both men discussed this question but
were unable to agree. They had never
been there. They produced a map, the
map I would use for the journey. They
seemed surprised when I pointed to
Golfito, as if they'd expected it to be
somewhere else. The map had no scale.
My friends at the rental counter guessed
that Golfito was somewhere between 300
kilometers and 500 kilometers from San
(continued on page 156)

DECADE OF THE DRIVER

IFYOU LOVE CARS, hold on to your helmets.
The Nineties are about to explode with
the greatest array of exciting models
we've seen in years. It's going to be a far
cry from the stumbling late Sixties, when
crude first attempts at adding safety and
pollution-control devices begat ponder-
ous cars burdened with bulky bumpers
and gutless engines strangled by primi-
tive antipollution devices. For a while, it
looked as though we were doomed to
drive what Playboy's late and great auto
writer Ken W. Purdy described as turgid,
jelly-bodied clunkers.

But as the Eighties progressed, car
companies developed more effective
safety measures. With the help of im-
proved fuels, auto makers found ways to
make engines run cleanly without sac-
rificing power. European marques set a
fast pace; the Americans and the
Japanese quickly followed. Handling and
electronics improved and, best of all,
from an enthusiasts standpoint, horse-
power galloped back into fashion. Driv-
ing became fun again.

For buyersshopping for new wheels to-
day, theres an almost overwhelming set.
of choices: nearly 50 makes and more
than 300 models. To make matters even
more confusing, many car brands repeat
themselves with alternative name plates

Lanm

John Lamm: A respected autamotive jour-
nolist with years of experience on staff ot
Road & Track and Motor Trend magazines,
Lomm is currently Rood & Tracks editor at
large und has ample time to write about and
photogroph some of the worlds choicest
wheels. (His choice camerawork on Ferraris
new model 348 in Januory's R&T is on excel-
lent example of his work.) Lost year, cutomo-
tive business took him overseas six times.

Brock Yates: While at work on the biogra-
phy of Enzo Ferrari, due out this year
Yotes—a frequent contributor to Playboy—
still finds time to write his columns in The
Washington Pos! Magazine ond Car and
Driver and to publish а newsletter, the Can-
nonball Express. Het also owner of the Can-
nonball Run Pub in Wyoming, New York. His
annual One Lop of America road rally is olso.
gearing up for 1990, marking its sixth year

PLAY BOYS
CARS
FOR. 1990

five top automotive
journalists join race-car
driver kevin cogan
to pick this
years hottest wheels

noter ving
By KEN GROSS and DAVID STEVENS

in different showrooms, Not surprisingly,
due to their extremely low prices, the
largestselling "cars" in America today
are pickup trucks; and off-road vehicles
are enjoying new-found popularity.
While the biggest auto makers (and a
few of the smaller, more innovative ones)
are locked in a global struggle for sur-
vival, we, the customers, are continuing
to be the winners. Competition inevitably

Len Frank: Former editor ot large for
Motor Trend, now host of the nationally syndi-
cated radio program The Cor Show and self-
proclaimed cult celebrity Frank has been
writing about automobiles for more than ten
years. His work hos appeared in Automobile
‘ond Sports Car International. If it has wheels,
Frank has driven it, ridden in it, written about
it, owned it or sold it. He olso has served as
a consultant to several cor manufacturers.

Kevin Cogan: Cogon, a veteran of more
than 100 Indycar races, has been a spokesper-
son for Playboy Products for more than four
years. Milestones in his talented driving coreer
include a second-place Indianapolis 500 finish
(he has a total of four Indy top-ten finishes)
o third-place finish in the 1988 Toyota Grand
of Long Beach and a tenth-place finish
in last year’s Autoworks 200 at Phoenix.
In 1988, his earnings topped $2,000,000.

forces bad players out while raising the
quality of every survivor's products. De-
spite squabbles over emission standards,
gas-guzzler awards and the seat-belt-vs-
the-air-bag wrangle, Playboy believes this
decade will be the best in automotive his-
tory. And to get you off and rolling, we've
invited five top automotive journalists,
along with race-car driver and Playboy
Products spokesperson Kevin Cogan (see
below), to give opinions on the 1990
models they like in a variety of cate-
gories, from Hottest Sports GTs Under
$20,000 to the Most Boring Cars. Gentle-
men, start your opinions.

Car for Your Girlfriend to Buy: The
Miata is too obvious a choice here. That's
because all our panelists who voted for
the Miata secretly wanted one. Said
David Stevens, "Get a Miata for your girl-
friend and get a location beeper, too, or
you'll never see her again.” John Lamm,
Kevin Cogan and Len Frank agreed.
Lamm: “Show me a woman with a Miata
and ГИ show you a woman who knows
how to smile.” Cogan: “Especially if she
lives on the West Coast, where this has
become a very ‘in’ car.” Frank: “In some
parts of Los Angeles, it used to be illegal
for anyone other than somebody's girl-
friend to (text concluded on page 159)

GROSS

STEVENS.

Ken Gross: Author of Foreign Intrigue
(Playboy, September 1988), Gross writes с
monthly column for Automotive Industries
magazine ond contributes his extensive
motorcar expertise to Road & Tracks special
publicotions. His work frequently oppears in
Automobile magazine ond Automobile Quor-
terly, and his books on Ferrari and BMW are
volumes sought after by automobile buffs,
collectors and even those new to the industry.

David Stevens: A Playboy Editor for the
past 24 years, as well cs a world traveler
whose wanderings have taken him from the
sandy streets of Timbuktu and the deepest
jungles of Ecuador to the misty moors of Scot-
land, Stevens is our Senior Editor in charge of
the material stuff men like, and that includes
covering all the lotest trends in food ond
drink, foshion, new products and, of course,
the worlds finest and fastest automobiles.

TOYOTA MR2

Most Improved Old Models: Although Toy-
ota's brand-new MR-2 is slugged а 1991
madel, we've lumped itin with our choice
af 1990 wheels. Stevens, who drove it in
Califarnic, was especially taken with the
cor, saying that it “offers beautiful new
styling ot on affordable price.” Cagon

thought it was “very agile, with о lot of
zip.” The Porsche 911 Correra 4 and 2
were other improved old models. Lamm
on the Carrera 4: “Brings the old bugger
right up to date. Even the power steering
feels right.” Frank: “It may look like а
911, but it hos new suspension, new siruc-

ture, o new drive system and a heavily
revised engine.” Gross, wha drove the
Carrera 2 from Fronkfurt to Nice: "Be-
sides the ease and fun of shifting the Tip-
ironic automatic, the newest Porsche
reda features neutral handling, sensitive
power steering ond great ABS brakes.”

Hottest Sports GTs Over 520,000: Nissan's new
twin-turboed Z car, according to Stevens, is
a machine that “turns heads faster than
Cindy Crawford in Saran Wrap.” "They've
revived the old 2407 concept,” said Gross,
“and created a fast, innovative, stylish sports
coupe at an affordable price.” Frank: “No
sports car since the ‘84 ‘Vette has had the
eye аррес1 of the 300ZX. With the turbos, it
goes a step further Not for introverts.”
Lomm: "Ws so quiet you dont be-
lieve how fast you're going.” Cogan:
“Performance with a great new design.”
Other nifty over-$20,000 GTs include the
Toyota Celica All-Trac, of which Yates said,
“If the Germans or the ltalians made this lit-
tle miracle, they'd charge you one hundred
grand end yov'd be selling your first-born to
get one.” Of the Thunderbird SC, he opined,
ZA very civilized effort—but bland styling.”

Most-Fun-to-Drive Cars: The nimble and ultro-
affardable Mazda MX-5 Miata is our pan-
elists choice for one of the New Cars We
Like for Under $20,000. Frank commented
that “anyone who doesn't like driving it
doesn’t like driving,” but he also swore alle-
giance to the Honda CRX Si and the Suzuki
Swift GT. Yates thought the MX-5 demands
something from the driver, “which is what
sporty driving is all about,” but called the
Porsche 911 Carrera 4 “a drivers delight.”
Lomm also chose the Miata but pointed out
that the Corvette ZRJ is especially desirable
“if half the fun is meeting ladies.” Along
the same line, Gross thought that driving the
Miata was “about the most fun you could
have in a car with your clothes on.” Stevens
agreed; but while Cogan liked the Miata
a lot, he thought that if money were no
object, he'd go for a Ferrari 328 GTS.

New Cars We Like Over $20,000: Our panel was
almost unanimous in its admiration for the
new Lexus LS 400. Yates: “The 400 may be
the first perfect automobile. It will make the
Japan bashers positively suicidal.” Lamm
concurred, pointing out that “it’s not as nice
a handling car as the Infiniti Q45, but a bet-
ter package overall." Gross agreed that the
Infiniti was a bit quicker and offered niftier
ergonomics but thought that Toyota's new
flagship “handles crisply, steers wonderfully
and offers a smoother engine.” Cogan
and Stevens concurred: “You can buy a
Miata with what you save over the competi-
tion.” Frank, the one dissenter, was loyal
to the Mercedes-Benz 50051. “There's no
confusing elegance with opulence or luxury
with excess here, and damned little pander-
ing to the transitory tastes of the yahoos
who attend dirics and focus groups”

NISSAN 3002X TWIN TURBO

MAZDA MX-5 MIATA

LEXUS LS 400

MERCEDES -BENZ 50051.

CHEVROLET CORVETTE ZR-1

EAGLE TALON TS! AWD

Niftiest Spare-No-Expense Cars: If you're rolling
in bucks, the new Mercedes-Benz 50051.
was our panel’ first choice. Gross said, “This
rocdster fairly bristles with innovation—
including а unique pop-up гой bar. It's
expensive, but how much is your life worth?”
Lamm agreed, calling it “the best value far
money in this dass, а lovely motorcar”
Frank scid that he might wait far the 12-
cylinder version but found the 500SL to
have “wonderful road manners ond the best
seats I've ever experienced and more road
performance than anyone would ever
need.” And Stevens thought the 50051
was а “bold new breed of Benz.” Other
choices: Lamborghini's LMOO2 ("Cross the
Iran-Iraq border in style. Makes the Range
Rover look like a preschoolers trike” —Yates]
end the Ferrari Testorassa ("This one says
it all if you want to have it ой'—Содоп).

Most Likely Future Classic: Our panel thought
the best car to buy and tuck away was the
$59,000 Carvette ZR-], provided, said Yates,
“Chevrolet doesn't go nuts and overpro-

" Frank agreed, predicting

ill most likely follow the old
pattern—massively collectible at first, then
collapse, then slowly climb back up. Unless,
that is, the production gets canceled.”
Stevens called it the “King Kong Bundy of
cardom—a recl monsterr—and Lamm
thought it wos the only car on the market
now “with the combination of rarity and in-
trinsic value to make it worth soving.” Gross,
who owns « Ferrari, leaned toward the Fer-
rari Testarossa ("These cars ore already
selling for fifty percent over the list. Dealers
are charging—and getting—two hundred
thousand plus”), and Cogan couldn't decide
between a Мюю and a Ferrari F40.

‚All-Wheel-Drive Wheels We Like: The turbo-
charged all-wheel-drive versions of the
Talon and its near-clone sister, the Mitsubishi
Eclipse, took the nod, with Yates pointing out
that “if they can make this little miracle [the
Talon] for such low bucks [about $16700],
they ought fo be able to put a man on Mors
without exceeding their MasterCard limit.”
Gross was equally positive: “One hundred
ninety-five horses driving all four wheels
make the Tolon/Eclipse a delight, on all road
surfaces. Gone is the arm-wrenching torque
steer, replaced by a can-do attitude that
makes hero drivers out of tyros.” Stevens al-
so liked the Talon/Eclipse but said he'd think
about trading up to a Porsche 911 Carrera 4
“if he won the lottery.” Frank, Lamm and
Cogan also picked the УП Carrera 4. Hon-
orable mentions went to the Audi Coupe
Quattro and the Mitsubishi Galant GSX.

VOLKSWAGEN CORRADO

Hottest Sports GTs Under $20,000: The peppy
little Volkswagen Corrado pulled awoy
from the pack in this category, with most
of our panel thinking, as Lomm did, that
“what makes this car so attractive is the
foct that it’s not Japanese. With that
comes a difference . . . not so soft, so

quie, so well rounded, but more of
а stand-up-and-take-chorge attitude.”
Yates pointed out that the Corrado wes
“not the quickest, but it's German and it
looks weird; that counts for something.”
Stevens liked the Corrado in “look-at-me
yellow” and thought the automatic rising

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZU!

spoiler was “kind of like mooning some-
опе as you accelerate by him.” Frank
praised the car's G-Lader supercharger
ond handling “thats os good as front-
wheel-drive cars with high horsepower
ore likely to get.” Other votes went to
the Talon/Eclipse and the Toyota MR-2.

123

A SNEAK PREVIEW OF 1991 AND BEYOND

sooner than you

The Japanese have
emerged as the premiere
innovators, just as
they
have
con-
quered
Ehe
market
place with their motor-
cycles, watches, cameras and audio/
video equipment. Honda, the un-
disputed winner on the Formula I rac-
ing circuit, will lead the way in 1991
with its flashy Acura NS-X—a Ferrari
type of mid-engined coupe that can
top 150 miles per hour but costs |
than $60,000. Once-conservative Toy-
ota has let a 185-mph cat out of the
bag, silencing
critics of copy-
cat Japanese
styling in the
process. It’s the
4500G
valve,
aerodynamic
Toyota proto- MERCURY CAPRI
type. Arriving from Lexus: the ex-
tended-wheel-base 1.5500 limousine,
featuring a powerful five-liter engine
that still beats the gas-guzzler tax.
Lexus is also considering bringing out
an ES300 sedan in mid-1991 to do
battle with the Mercedes-Benz 300!
Thats just the beginning. As the
"Tokyo Motor Show, with its high com-
plement of concept cars, closed out the

Mazda dazzled showgoers
s 300-hp Cosmo three-rotor
Wankel-engined GT, which boasts a

RT display featuring integral naviga-
tion, climate and audio controls. Along.
with a 3000GT prototype (see box
Mitsubishi previewed the Diamante, a
BMW-look-alike luxury sedan that of-
fers full-time four-wheel drive and
four-wheel steering. Back in the States,
American manufacturers also have
some pretty slick tricks up their sleeves
for 1991 and beyond. Coming in the

mid-Nineties

evro-

Я been

told, will be

an impressive

200-mph Cor-

BMW B50; vette with a
virtually all-glass roof. Under its hood

four-cam V8. Semi-active suspension
and computerized steering are just two
of the next Corvette's promised refine-

CHEVROLET CAMARO

ments. Chevy's futuristic mid-Nineties

Camaro boasts a sharklike profile

made from lightweight composite

panels tacked to a steel

frame. Tonor-

rows Ca-

maro

and its

traveling com-

panion, the Pontiac Banshee,

will feature independent multilink sus-
pension, six-speed manual
gearboxes and ground-
pounding V8 engines. From
Buick comes word of a sexy
Lucerne convertible with
such electronic innovations
as one-touch entry, separate
dimate and entertainment
controls for each seat, a

` г computer-nav-
igation system and electronically
activated autom;

Fon The nee:
sion of the Buick feeling,
‚Charles M. Jordan, General Mo-
tors Design vice-president, said.
“I is substantial, distinctive,

powerful, mature and, at the same
ume, dashing and gracetul, with a lot ot
flair We call it
‘muscular grace.”
Using the US.
mainland as a
base, the Japanese
will export more
cars across the
Atlantic, battling.
the Europeans on BUICK LUCERNE
their very own motorways. The Conti-
nentals won't give up easily. Mercedes
blasted back into racing again by

think, here’s how you'll be easing on down the road

ing last year’s coveted Le Mans
24-hour classic. As if its new 500SL
roadsters 322-hp V8 we
there'll be
V12 powering the 60081. and future
S-class sedans. Innovations include
4Matic, Mercedes’ unique all-wheel-
drive system, plus clever adaptive su:
pension. BMW just unveiled its own
luxury coupe. New 85015 will feature
a five-liter VI2 engine, a six-speed
manual gear-
four-wheel
steering, trac-
tion control, ac-
tive suspension
nd a highly so-
phisticated cli-
matc-control
system. Dort
TOYOTA 45067. even ask the
price! The redesigned 3-series, slated.
for late 1992, will be longer, lower and
wider, with engines ranging from
feisty fours all the way up to a 155-mph
pocket rocket with a 230-hp power
plant. Audi is promising an exciting
cabriolet that
carries open-
air trac-
tion to new
heights,
thanks to a
choice of
front-wheel or four-wheel
drive. With fresh infusions
of cash from new owner
Ford, Jaguar plans to shoe-
horn its powerful V12 into
the recently upgraded XJ sedan,
building a mid-sized competitor for
BMW's (concluded on page 150)

WHISPERS OF

For 1991 (on sale this coming fall),
Dodge is betting heavily on its flashy
Stealth sports coupe. Partner Mit-
subishi’s сусп sportier version will be
called the 3000C T. Said to rival the
300ZX, this jointly developed “baby
Ferraris" tentative specs feature a
300-hp, twin-turbo, 24-valve V6
engine, ABS brakes, four-wheel steer-
ing, electronically controlled suspen-

wheel drive. Chrysler and

їз coproduced Е

Laser and Talon have been runaway
successes, so their 1991 collabora-
tion—with the Stealth and the
3000GT—promises even more good
things. The Americans provide imag-

THE STEALTH

inative styling as well as distribution
assistance. Quicker engineering time-
tables, efficient. manufacturing and

recent keen
tributions. Coming (we hope) is the
VIO Viper roadster thats a powder
keg ofa two-seater.

“In view of defense exhibit A, I dismiss the public-indecency charge
on the ground of overriding great uplifting value.”

126

PLAYBOY PROFILE

By JAMES MORGAN

ERRY
ONES

DOES DALLAS

how an oil tycoon from arkansas bought a football
team in texas and hit a gusherful of problems

Did you hear that Jerry Jones is trying
to buy the Southland Corporation? Hes
going to change the name of 7-Eleven
to 0-11.

— DALLAS JOKE

IT HAS BEEN maybe two minutes since the Washington Red-
skins finished creaming the Dallas Cowboys, and in the losers"
locker room, owner Jerry Jones has gone straight to the lava-
tory to spit. While Jerry's leaning over the sink, coach Jimmy
Johnson is standing alone in the center of the room, standing
flat-footed, with his arms limp by his sides. He looks stunned,
like a prize fighter who has gouen to his feet just after the bell.

No players have reached the lockers yet, just Jerry and Jim-
my. These two go back a long way together, back far enough
not to have to talk in moments like this. In the early Sixties,
they were college roommates and teammates at Arkansas un-
der legendary coach Frank Broyles; and іп 1964, they were co-
captains of the Razorbacks team that went 11-0 and beat
Nebraska in the Cotton Bowl for the national title. They were
winners then, and they've both been winners since. Jerry
made a fortune in the oil-and-gas business, and Jimmy made
himself a hot property by improving the fortunes of every
team he coached. When Jerry bought the Cowboys in Febru-
ary 1989, he promised his new home town a winner. His first
act in that regard was to fire Tom Landry, Dallas’ coach for 29
years, and declare Jimmy his main man.

So the feeling these two old pals are sharing on this other-
wise beautiful day in Dallas is one they haven't experienced
often, though they're getting a lot more familiar with it than

they'd like. After going 3-1 in the pre-season, the Cowboys
are 0-3 now that it counts. To make matters worse, today was
homecoming—the first regular-season home game. Good
thing Jerry and Jimmy are both diehard positive thinkers, be-
cause in the minds of most Dallas fans, the Jerry—Jimmy act is
wearing thin. First, there’s suddenly all this tacky hoopla, this
hoo-hawing and showboating that Jerry does in the name of
promotion—such as having Elizabeth Taylor perform today's
coin toss. Then there's Jimmy fresh up from the college ranks,
with his moon face and his shellacked helmet hair, pacing the
very same side lines that Landry did. Finally, there's the Ar-
kansas thing. Texans loathe Arkansans, considering them
bumpkins even beyond the imagination of an Al Capp.
Arkansans point to Texans’ penchant for gaudy cowboy boots
and say, “Consider the source.” This animosity started, as near
аз anyone can remember, over football: The Arkansas Razor-
backs are the only non-Texas team in the Southwest Confer-
ence. Over the years, Texas fans have come to abhor the sight
of one of their stadiums half-filled with screaming people
wearing red hats in the shape of wild pigs.

So when two hog-hat wearers march across the state line
and take control of one of Texas’ most cherished traditions, it's
no wonder the Dallas fans squeal. And the words they're
squealing now, loud and clear, are, This is the big leagues, hot-
shots. Youre not in Arkansas anymore, Toto.

And indeed theyre not. Theyre deep in the bowels of
Texas Stadium, which Jerry now owns, and they're trying
to exorcise this demon that has been eating their lunch
week after week. Jerry's spitting, as if you could hock up
a hunk of defeat and get it out of (continued on page 138)

PAINTING BY HERBERT DAVIDSON

ALBUS WORLD TUCK dd

straight from the pages of our foreign editions,
26 international beauties

IF YOU WERE planning the definitive trip to take in the world's most beautiful
sites, your itinerary would require stops in at least 12 distant places: Ar-
gentina, Australia, Brazil, Germany, Greece, Hong Kong, Italy, Japan,
Mexico, the Netherlands, Spain and Turkey. How did we come up with this
list? Easy. We have an eye for beauty. And, of course, these locations also
happen to be ports of call for Playboy's legion of foreign editions. We've
made arrangements to bring 26 international beauties home to you. So
stow your worries in an overhead compartment, fasten your seat belt, sit
back and get ready fora stunning world tour. We won't even lose your bags.

It did't take long for 19-year-old Vanusa Spindler (opposite) to discover life in the
fast lone after graduating from high school last year. The June 1989 Brazilian cover
girl was named Miss Grand Prix for the Formula | Grand Prix in Rio. Sabine
Drogomirescu-Ciotiko (obove), a 5'1” cosmetology student in Berlin, is the
April 1989 Playmate in our Germon edition. Here she poses the answer to the ques-
tion Why were sa mony East German men sa eager to high-toil it over Ihe wall?

129

If the proposed Europeon Community trade agreement mokes it eosier for the Itolion Playboy to import British
beauties such os Susonno Groy (obove left), we think most Italion men will be willing to vote si. Susonna wos
discovered while woiting for ће subwoy in Rome. Good thing the troin wosr't on time. Germon Ployboy pictoriol
subject Therese Jogersberger (above right) knows how to pilot a helicopter. Her flight plan recently propelled her
into o storring role in the mode-for-Austrion-TV movie Die Verlockung (The Temptation). Patty Zomer (below right)
groced the poges of our Netherlonds edition. Formerly o singer with o group colled the Dolly Dots, she now
teoches others how to croon ond swoon. Business school student Trocy Leung (below left) oppeared in our Hong
Kong edition. госу hos her sights set on а coreer as an executive secretary. Everyone into the office pool.

Giuliana Loiodice Taylor (above lefi) warked сз а dencer at the Crazy Horse in Paris before appearing in the
Italian Playboy last May. Her ambition is to appear in a Fellini film, preferably with her ideal mon, Marcello
Mastroianni. Discerning readers will surely remember breath-taking Brozilion Luma de Oliveira (above right) from
our July 1988 issue. This Latin lovely illuminated herself by winning the title of Miss Playboy International. Her
compatriota Ana Lima (below left) is a 19-year-old fashion madel from Rio who enjoys walking the beach at
Ipanema. And when she passes, each boy she passes goes ga-ga. Grecian beauty Melpo Kosti (below right)
earned a spot in the hearts of Greek readers when she posed in the September 1989 issue. A fan of Phil Collins and
Barbra Streisand, Melpo reveals a rather Spartan career ambition: "1 want to succeed in my jab,” she says.

Statuesque Alexandra Lisec (right), the Morch 1989
German Playmate, wants to live to be 100 and stay
healthy. It looks to us as if she has the healthy part
down, and since one of her habbies is sleeping, the
rest may come naturally. She has no tolerance for
laziness, deceit, boring peaple or boring restourants,
and her ideal man is aloof on the outside and sweet on
the inside. Asfor why she decided to pose for Playboy,
Alexandra says, if you have a nice body, why not
show it off? This Fräulein has a lagical streak, ja?

Playboy readers in Japan say hai! to 19-year-old
Akiyo Maruyama (above). It’s not surprising that she
was named one of three Playmate Japan Grand Prix
winners last year. According to our counterparts
in the Far East, Akiyo “is nat shy of her beauty.
Talking with her, conversation flows like a breeze,
free and smooth. She is very slim, her limbs look
so fragile, but through the lens, her body shows
power. She has a sensitivity that is so refreshing to
the hearts af men.“ Could we have said it any better?

Sultry young octress Leylo Durgun (obove left) showered her chorms on Playboy's Turkish readers last
September. After surviving her first dramotic role in the video turkey shoot Psychopoth, she posed os o
temptress in Dark Emotions, о “picture novel” published in the mogozine supplement of the newspoper
Sabah. Argentino's Karen Reitchordt (obove center) ond Marto Corocciolo (obove right) have a lot in
common besides beauty ond on affinity for ropes ond chains. Both were born in Buenos Aires ond have
oppeored on Argentine TV. Marta spread holidoy cheer on the December 1988 centerfold; Koren pro-
vided readers with some welcome fringe benefits in July 1989. Jchonno “Joby” Oetiker (down under)
unbridled her inhibitions in the Austrolion Playboy in August 1988. The 5'32" blonde will read onything
by Tom Robbins or John Irving. She thinks ego trippers ore o crock, hotes heavy metol but loves the
Violent Femmes ond her favorite performers include Jim Morrison ond Cher. Woit—isn't one of them deod?

Snacktime must have been quite the educational experience when German Playbay model Isabella
Haller (above) tought kindergarten in her home town of Vienna. Besides appearing in music vid-
eos and TV commercials, Isabella won the titles cf Miss Vienna ond Fashion Queen of Austria in 1984.
Hot off the pages of aur Brazilian edition comes Cida Costa (top left), a drama student in São Paulo.
Her career got off ta a roaring start when she won the Lion d'Or award ct the Cannes Advertising
Festival. Alejandra Rath (left), from Argentina, hes dane TV commercials all over South America.

Gitta Sock (above), an optician from Überlingen, provided a double eyeful for German readers, ap-
оз a Playmate in April 1988, then returning lost year as Playmate cf the Year Vera Pinto (top

right), an cerobies instructor in Rotterdam, revealed the bottom line on deep knee bends in our
Netherlands edition last April. Vera, we're told, finds а man in tight jeans very exciting and her fantasy
ta relieve him of the jeans. Greek Playmate Danaë Pothilau (right) was Бот on Crete. Her secret
wish is to live on one of the more remate of the Aegean Islonds—olone, that is. No cretins allowed.

Brazilion-born Laura Conti
(above) is a former trapeze
artist who flew to Barcelana
three years ago and landed
film roles—and a Spanish
Playboy spread—with the
greatest of ease. Stunning
Guodalupe Zavala (left) re-
cently moved from Mexico
City, where she appeared on
numerous TV programs, to
Chicago (jbrava!), where she
works os a singer. She plans
to study low and opera and
hopes to record an album of
papular Mexican songs. Hun-
garian beauties Judith Gabor
(right) and Judit Barcoczy
(opposite) both appeared in
the Ноһоп Playboy last year
(before our Hungarian edition
was inaugurated). Judith,
wha is still waiting for her
ideal day to came, may be c
distont relative of Zsa Zsa;
Judifs wish is to spend one
night with Michele Placido.
Weill let both of them knaw.

PLAYBOY

138

JERRY JONES (continued from page 126)

“The deejay vowed celibacy until the Cowboys win,’

Jerry tells his secretary. "Well do what we can.

ورو

your system. And Jimmy, he's still stand-
ing there tectering.

The photograph sitting on a credenza
behind Jerry Jones' desk in Dallas shows
a smiling Jerry standing next to a man
who's wearing a cowboy hat and a rugged
grin, the kind Western movie stars used
to affect. This is the most prominent
photograph in Jerry's office.

Jerry doesn't remember who the man
in the photograph is.

"Thats as succinct a symbol as you'll
find for how weird his life has gotten over
the past seven months, months filled with
faces in the crowd—so many of them, in
fact, that they've become a blur. Until he
bought the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry was a
quietly successful oil-and-gas entre-
preneur from Little Rock. Since then, he
has visited the White House to meet
George Bush. He has bantered with Sam
Donaldson on national T V He has played
host to Liz Taylor in his sky box. He has
opened his home to Robin Leach for a seg-
ment of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

But the really strange thing is, he seems
to Love the spotlight so! X his is what baffles
the people who knew the old Jerry Jones
as a close-to-the-vest guy with a passion
for privacy. In the old days, his name
rarely appeared in the newspaper. Those
in the know in Little Rock knew him, but
that was as cognoscenti everywhere know
those in their midst with money.

Which is why the people in Little Rock
were as surprised as everybody else when
they woke up one morning and saw Jer-
гуѕ face staring back at them from their
morning paper, along with a story re-
porting that he paid $140,000,000 for the
privilege of owning the Dallas Cowboys
football team. But the folks who thought
they knew Jerry Jones were most sur
prised when they caught his radical new
act—his banging the podium when he
talked; his bluster about wanting to keep
track of “jocks and socks"; his frequent
thanks to “the big coach in the sky.” In
Little Rock's restaurants and bars, the
phrase mid-life crisis was uttered.

Now, out at the Cowboys’ campuslike
headquarters at Valley Ranch—a com-
plex Jerry calls “the Pentagon of sport-
dom"—the new owner and general
manager is just back at his office from an
eight-A. radio call-in show, and he's tin-
gling with energy. It is the Friday before
the Redskins game and all things are still
possible.

“The deejay vowed celibacy until the
Cowboys win,” he tells Marylyn, one of

his two secretaries, “I told him that wasa
lot of pressure, but we'll do what we can.”
He recaps the show in detail as Marylyn
brings him a cup of decaf.

When Jerry talks, his hands move. At
the age of 47, he still wears the Arkansas
Razorbacks national-championship ring
that he was awarded after the Cotton
Bowl in 1965. He favors the flash of cuff
links, and he writes with a Mont Blanc
roller ball. His hands may reposition his
pocket handkerchief or flatten his tie,
and, later, when he’s out on the practice
field in front of a film crew, they will fre-
quently pat his sandy hair in a valiant
duel with the September wind. These are
the hands of a vain man, and probably a
self-conscious one. How can he tolerate
others’ thinking hes a screwball unless
he's following a higher calling?

A college friend of his named Jim
Grizzle recalls that Jerry's dad, J. W. "Pat"
Jones, was the first man he ever saw wear-
ing a pinkie ring.

“Pat was his daddy, Pat was his buddy,
Pat was his everything,” says Grizzle.

When Jerry was growing up, Pat was in
the grocery business. After World War
‘Two, he and his wife, Arminta, moved
back to Little Rock from Los Angeles
(where Jerry was born) so Pat could open
a fruit stand. He soon parlayed that into
his first supermarket, and then a second
and a third. He then started some drive-
in markets, called Pats Kwik Chek Su-
perettes, an early competitor of 7-Eleven.
This runaway success didn't happen by
accident. “That guy can talk and never
breathe,” says Grizzle.

Young Jerry worked in his dad's store
bagging groceries and delivering circu-
lars door to door, and to this day, he
claims the grocery business is a part of
who he is. His father even sent Jerry, as a
child of 12 or 13, to motivational semi-
nars for store employees. “I learned to al-
ways be positive,” says Jerry, twisting his
championship ring. “And I learned that
being positive isn't something that just
happens. It's something you decide.”

After 15 years in the grocery game, Pat
discovered insurance and started Mod-
ern Security Life Insurance Company.
By the time Jerry arrived at college on a
football scholarship, he was working for
the company, toting a briefcase in the
summers while his cohorts were working
construction or as lifeguards.

They missed the lesson Pat Jones
taught his son: If you're a real salesman,
you don't wait for money to come to you.

A lady takes her three children io the
Cowboys game and they get lost. Later,
someone from the stadium calls her
and says, “Ma‘am, could you come get
your kids? Theyre beating the Cow-
boys 14-3.”

—DALLAS JOKE

His salesman's blood is boiling on this
pregame Friday as Jerry performs for a
film crew from Los Angeles. The crew
asks for a tour of Valley Ranch, and the
boss is happy to oblige. He proves to be a
charming master of the photo opportu-
nity, leading his happy herd through
what seems like miles of corridors of
glass and wood. It would be a great place to
work if you were winning games.

At one point, Jerry spies a wholesome-
looking family browsing in the gift shop
next to the advance-ticket counter. With
camera rolling, he kneels down and in-
terviews a little boy of about four, asking
what his name is and where he's from.
The boys dad volunteers that they're.
from Connecticut and that they've come
all the way to Dallas to see the Cowboys
whip the Redskins. With that, Jerry goes
back bebind the counter, finds a small
Cowboys sweat shirt and cap and takes it
out to the beaming boy. While Jerry helps
the new fan put on the hat for the cam-
era, the boy's mother whispers to her
husband, “Who is he?” The husband
whispers, “The owner"; but by then, Jer-
ry is off, like the Lone Ranger, to find an-
other situation in need of photography.

Later, after saying goodbye to the film
crew, Jerry stops by for a word with the
coach. Jimmy says he really believes ev-
erybody's up for the Redskins, though it
bothers him that some of the vets seem to
take the two previous losses a little too
philosophically.

Jerry pats Jimmy on the back and
heads off toward his corner of the com-
plex, but as he passes the coaches’
kitchen, he runs into assistant coach Dick
Nolan making coffee. Pretty soon, he has
an audience—assistant coaches Dave
Wannstedt and Dave Campo have gath-
ered round—and Jerry tells them he just
had a talk with commissioncr Rozelle: “I
said, ‘Mr. Commissioner, I'm new at this
and I don't want to do anything wrong,
but I was wondering, does anybody ever
mess around with the sacred rite of the
coin toss?” And the commissioner said,
‘No, that's sacrosanct.”

“And I said, ‘Well, what if ] get Liz Tay-
lor to do the toss this weekend?’ And the
commissioner, he says, ‘Goddamn! That's
a helluva deal" Everybody's laughing
now, and Jerry laughs and waves and
high-fives and wishes them all good for-
tune against the Redskins. With Jerry
Jones, the sales job begins at home.

Such bantering with the minions is one

(continued on pagel 46)

This is
a smoke stain
from one cigarette.
If you think it
looks disgusting here,
imagine how it looks

A single cigarette. That's all it takes. Its a problem you'd be stuck with if you

were using a regular, or even a tartar control toothpaste. í z
But with Topol smoker's toothpaste, not only can you fight EE
plaque and tartar. You can also brush away the smoking stains.

4
Which makes Topol a habit every smoker should have.
Nothing Removes Smoking Stains Better Than Topol. z

DENNIS HO

fier a 30-year carcer that has featured

more dead ends, deaths and resurrec-
tions than a “Road Runner" cartoon, ac-
tordirector Dennis Hopper inhaled his way
into our collective nightmares and revived
our respect as “Blue Velvet’s” psychosexual
deviant, Frank Booth. That same year,
1986, he earned an Oscar nomination for
his role in “Hoosiers.” Next, thanks to Sean
Penn, he helmed “Colors,” his first major
Hollywood directing job since “Easy Rider.”
And again, controversy followed—this time
over the movies theme of gang violence.
Hopper weathered the publicity—as well as
the stories about his recovery from substance
abuse—and went back to work. Last year
alone, he acted in and directed “Backtrack,”
with Jodie Foster; acted in “Chattahooches
a film about a mental mstitution; and co-
starred in “Flashback” with Kiefer Suther-
land. Contributing Editor David Rensin
visited Hopper at his home in Venice, Cali-
fornia, just after hed returned from direct-
ing Don Johnson and Virginia Madsen in
“The Hot Spot.” Hopper calls the film a
kind of “Last Tango in Texas.” Says
Rensin, “When I arrived, Hopper was sej
araling his just-unpacked clothes into plas-
lic laundry baskets. He was also helping
some workmen hang three new art pieces
in his downstairs gallerylscreening room.
Later, while talking at his banquet-sized
dining table, Hopper spoke softly, evenly,
often lapsing into a thoughtful whisper.
Throughout, he breathed normally.”

pLavsoy: Frank Booth: Would counseling
have helped? If he'd been rehabilitated,
what kind of job might he have held?

Hopper: Counseling? [Smiles] | sce Frank
Booth very differently from other peo-
ple. To me, Blue Velvet is a love story, and

Frank will go to any lengths to keep his
а lady Thats all,
captain amer- Cus от the old

man’s ear. Kidnaps
the kid. Just a love
story. Most people
find that strange.

ica resurrects
lost poems and

But they didn't
past loves and ноу Frank Booth.
You gotta have

reveals what

Frank’s point of

apo view [Pauses] Its

goes best with nara to figure
what a straight

a harley Frank would have

done. Probably
run a clothing
store. Sell leathers.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY NORMAN SEEFF

QUE

PLAYBOY: Got any advice for actors?
HOPPER: What you get on the screen is the
only thing that’s important. If you let
other things get in the way of your work,
then you're not doing your work, and 1
don't care how good you are, [Many ac-
tors] carry a lot of baggage, because of
thcir insecurities, that has nothing to do
with the work. Some people find this very
interesting, see it as mystique. You've got
tostrip it away. I was never like that. I was
interested only in the work, no matter
how stoned or how drunk I was. The
work was all that I was living for.

PLAYBOY: You usually play someone close
to the edge, characters whose problems
are internal, not external. Would it be a
challenge to portray a normal person?

Hopper: I would love to play a normal per-
son. But I'm just not offered those parts.
1 havent played a normal person since
Jordan in Giant. I'd like to do a profes-
sional guy, a lawyer or an architect. But it
seems like Newman, Redford—theres a
list of guys to go through before you get
to me. On the other hand, you never see
the big emotions from those guys. Gary
Cooper never went for that. The story
carried him. Oddly enough, when
Stanislavsky came to this country he
shocked all the actors by saying that Gary
Cooper was what he'd been trying to
teach everybody in the Moscow Art The-
ater. And that he was doing simple reality
and that was really what it was all about.

rLaysov: Does the Method still work? Or
is the age of genius and your peers—
Brando, Dean, Clift—gone?

ноғеғк: Those guys were going against
the Hollywood system. Today, that same
system is mostly Method. Method just
means you have a way of working. To-
day’s system is built for actors. Now, very
often, actors are asked to block their own
scenes. A director wants to see what
they're gonna do before he sets his cam-
era. When I started out and when Bran-
do, Clift and Dean were acting, a
director told you how to say your line,
where to make your gesture, where to
pick up a cup. That kind of directing is
long gone.

илүвоу: What popular myth about ac
tors would you like to correct?

morrER: If an actor is at all successful ear-
ly on, then people éxpect him to always.
be financially well off. But job security is
limited. Its such a fickle business. | don’t
know what the percentages are now, but
when I was starting out, ninety-eight per-
cent of your stars became stars for three
years and were dropped. Edmund Pur-
dom, Tab Hunter, Richard Beymer—the
kid who starred in West Side Story with
Natalie Wood. Every part that came
along for three years, Beymer got. And
this happened to guy after guy after guy.
1t was like Hollywood just read them like
the morning newspaper and threw them
away lts a tragedy. And yet for years
after their three-year period, everybody
assumes that they have money, assumes
that they're working, you know? They
still get the best table in the restaurant,
but do they have the money to pay the
check? It’s pathetic. I've had my own ups
and downs and have lived on the illusion.
Гуе had friends want to borrow money
and even they don't understand when |
say, “Hey, but I’m broke. 1 don't have any

money.” They say, “Are you kidding me?
You gotta have money”

ғілувоу: What happened to your autobi-
ography? You were reportedly offered a
six-hundred-thousand-dollar advance.
Hopper: It was more. [Smiles] 1 talked my-
self into a deal and then turned it down. I
tbought it would take too much of my
time, and I would rather direct movies
and act. Even with a ghostwriter, [
couldn't do it in six months. And Pd have
to be very hands-on about it. Also, to do a
real book, I'd have to tell an awful lot of
stuff that I dont know if I really want to
get into. My lifeis more complicated than
it seems.

rLAYBOY: As someone who has teetered
on the edge, tell us: Does America really
love a man who earns a second chance?

Horper: ПУ too weird. This has happened
to me so many times that 1 don't know
what it really means. I remember being
nineteen years old and going to the pre-
miere of Giant in New York City The
night before, l'd starred with Natalie
Wood in a Kaiser Aluminum Hour show
on TV. And the studio, because Natalie
and I are both under contract to Warner
Bros, wants me to take Natalie to the
premiere of Giant. I don't want to do it.
I want to take this young woman by
thc namc of Joanne Woodward. So the

PLAYBOY

142

Papers won't interview me [at the pre-
miere] because they don't know who Jo-
anne Woodward is. They say, “Are you a
secretary, sweetheart?” And the next year,
she wins the Academy Award for best ac-
tress for The Three Faces of Eve. At that
moment, I didn't have to go any further to
understand what it was really all about. By
then, James Dean had died; next I was
blacklisted. I studied with Strasberg, got
married, was looked on as a maniac and an
idiot anda fool anda drunkard. And sud-
denly, I make Easy Rider, man, and the
whole world opens up to me. And then I
make The Last Movie, win the Venice Film
Festival, come back and am told the film
wort be distributed. Finally, I go into re-
covery, come out and l'm straight. And it
just happens to fit into everybody's sched.
ule that it’s the time to sober up now. That's
just luck. I just keep bumping into luck
But you can talk about being sober only so
long. You're sober. So your life goes on and
things change. and thats it. You change

with the times and are not just a sobered-
up drunk.

pıaysov: Should public figures go public
with their alcohol- and substance-abuse re-
coveries?

HOPPER: І don't think it's a great idea for
these people to be telling everybody that
they had a drug problem but they don't
have it anymore because they've gone
three months sober. The idea of being in
an anonymous twelve-step program is to
stay anonymous. You're not supposed to
talk about it, because it's not good for the
other people—if you slip. And a lot of
these people are ng. They're in and
out of the Betty Ford Center like it's some
kind of check-out stand at the supermar-
ket. I dont go around talking about the or-
ganizations 1 belong to, because it's against
the format. Табо have friends who are ma-

jor people in the industry who have never

stopped anything. I see them ро оп ага on.

“Tonight, the Shop at Home Network is going to try
something a little different.”

resting, that / get sober
and suddenly it's such a major thing. It gets
all out of balance.

PLavBOv: What would it take for you to
backslide?

Hopper: [Laughs] The only thing that could
push me toward a joint or a drink is my
hand reaching for it. There's no great
emotional moment when I'm going to say,
"Oh, God, they fucked with me so bad to-
day that I'm gonna drink now, or Im gon-
na take drugs.” Bullshit. I might get to
feeling so good that ГИ want a drink and a
joint, but that's not going to happen, either.

10.

raveoy: If Billy and Captain America
took off across the country today, what
would they find? Did that generation, as it
has been suggested, blow its birthright?
Did the revolution fai
HOPPER: I guess they'd probably drink V8
juice in a Yuppie cemetery. What would
they find out there, man? Has it changed
very much? The hippies are gone. The
communes are gone. They could find the
Jack Nicholson character still in jail some-
where, drunk. I'm sure the rednecks
haven't really changed too much. If things
have changed, it's just that they've dressed
upin different clothesand different guises.

Thomas Jefferson said that every twenty
years there should be a revolution if you
want to keep a republic. But that doesn't
mean an armed revolution. It's healthy
that one generation questions another and
changes are made. People going back to
being conscrvative was a healthy move in.
its own way. And the liberals will come
back and change it again. Balance is
healthy, and that's really what democracy
ina republic is all about.

pLavsow: What goes best with a Harley?
Horen: What do you think? [Heavy laugh]
Pussy, man! Pussy.

12.

pravsov: In 1970, you made The Last
Movie, a controve film that won the
Venice Film Festival. It was hardly di
tributed in the United States and has since
endured endless analysis. Perhaps, with
the passage of time, we're better prepared
to understand it. Care to give it a shot?

Hopper: I wanted to use film like the ab-
stract expressionists were using paint.
They were cultivating the illusion of paint-
ing a tree, a landscape, a house—but they
were using paint as paint, using paint itself
asa form. Soin The Last Movie, 1 keep cut-
ting to things like ripped film, a scene
missing, a clapper board going bonk. Just
when the story starts sucking you in and
you start believing, suddenly I rip you back
out and stick my tongue out at you, say.
“Со fuck yourself” and say, “Look, hey.
You're just watching a movie! Ha, ha,
hat"— which does not amuse a lot of

audiences. I wanted to make audiences
think about what is illusion and what is the
responsibility of illusion. In the film, I have
a real church and a movie-set church;
there's real violence and then there's make-
believe violence. I wrote The Last Movie
with Stewart Stern—who wrote Rebel
Without a Cause and The Ugly American—
before I did Easy Rider. I wanted to do itas
my first film and I didn't. So I went right
into it afterward, because I'd gone around
the universities with Easy Rider and every-
body said, “We want to see new kinds of
film, new kinds of film, new kinds of film.”
So 1 said, "Oh, boy, have I got one for you.”
But they didn't really want to see new
kinds of film, They wanted to go back to
the heavy opiate, the romantic energy of
the Forties—the kind of movies that Spiel-
berg does brilliantly. What's ironic is that if
you now look at The Last Movie, consider-
ing MTV and current video-editing tech-
niques, it’s no longer far out and hard to
understand. И% not your everyday film,
sure, but a lot of the things I did in The
Last Movie are now used in other filins.

13.

тлүвоу: When you were in Peru making
that film and you were sober, did you ever
see anything unusual, such as, well, UFOs?
HOPPER: [Hearty laugh] 1 saw a lot of things
that were unusual, ГЇЇ tell you one experi-
ence. A young woman and a male friend of
mine, Victor, and I were in this pickup
truck, driving down a mountain going
back to our base at Cuzco, which was at
about eleven thousand feet, from the set
location at Chinchero, which was at about
fifteen thousand feet. It was dusk and
there was a heavy cloud layer maybe twelve
feet above our heads. Victor said, “Can we
stop and take a piss?” So he went out in
front of the truck, down the road, and I
got out on my side. 1 was standing there,
pissing, and suddenly, this whirling sound
came out of the douds. I mean, a major
sound. Then sparks started shooting out
of the clouds. I mean, literally shooting out
and hiting my jacket and my feet. And the
girl in the truck started screaming
was speechless and didn't say anything for
a long time. Anyway, we both saw it, we all
saw it. Unexplainable. Went on for fifteen
or twenty minutes. We just were frozen.
Then it stopped, but the clouds were still
there. We went quietly on to Cuzco.

There is no question in my mind that it
was an unidentified flying object—though
I never saw anything but the sparks, I
mean rains of sparks. Victor has a theory,
which I don't buy. He decided years later
that it was a bunch of bats and electricity
from the bats caused the shower of sparks.
I don’t go for that one. But then, maybe he
knows something I don’t know.

14.

ғилувоу: Will sensory derangement and
avant-garde decadence ever make a come-
back? Can drugs be hip again?

more: I didn't know that drugs had really

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143

PLAYBOY

144

left. I keep hearing about high school stu-
dents using cocaine and smoking grass,
and if young people are doing it, unfortu-
nately, it's hip to them. Some things don't
change just because I got straight. There's
just been some glossing over because a lot
of us are getting sober. Meanwhile, lots of
people still do drugs and still function. I'm
amazed that I functioned at all, consider-
ing all that I did. But now I know that real-
ity is as bizarre as anything you can put in
your head. Learning to cope vith reality is
a bigger high than gelting high.

15.

PLAYBOY: Has having a ballerina as a wife
ted you to stay in good shape?
Hopper: [Laughs] Well, it makes me think
about it more. I do a lot of mental exercis-
ing. I should be exercising, but I've been
really busy. I do pretty well when I prepare
for a movie. I go toa gym, get a trainer, do
all that. When I'm directing, I dont do
that. I don't have time to. Directing is a
twenty-hour day, so I have no time to even
imagine exercising. But I will ас! again
next, and I will go back into the руш and I
will work out and drop weight.

16.

PLAYBOY: Years ago, you lost thousands of
poems in the great Bel Air fire. Care to
share a lost gem?

Horper: I remember only one. It's a strange
рост. “I go outside in my garden to pec /
Green leaves side me that sweat and rain /

My piss runs to weed beside a dust vacant
lot that grows baseball players."

17.

тилувоь: Is there anything that any of your
three former wives—Brooke Hayward,
Michelle Phillips and Daria Halprin—got
in a divorce settlement that you regret not
having, and it still pisses you off?

HOPPER: Well, I can't say it pisses me off, but
it would have been nice if I had gotten at
least half of the paintings that Brooke
Hayward left with, since she didn't have
any paintings when we got married. Over
the eight-year period that we were mar-
ried, I spent something like thirty-eight
thousand dollars and accumulated a col-
lection that would probably be worth ten to.
twelve million today—things I would nev-
er be able to afford to buy now, no matter
how much money I made in the movie
business. ГИ see something I once owned
in the Pompidou, or in the Museum of
Modern Art, or the Metropolitan Muse-
um. I had major Warhols. 1 had Warhol's
E soup-can painting; I had the first
ings by Roy Lichtenstein and Claes
Oldenburg and Jasper Johns and Robert
Rauschenberg and Frank Stella and Ed
Ruscha. 1 had Ruscha's huge Standard-sta-
tion painting, which is fifteen feet long. I
had major, major stuff. Brooke sold them
all right afterward. All I asked for in the
divorce was—not the house, not the cars—
1 just wanted half of the paintings. And 1
couldn't get any of them.

elde

“You're opposed to protectionism, you
believe in giving glasnost a chance and I like
your stand on “Roe vs. Wade.’ I see no barrier to a love
affair if your blood pressure checks out.”

18.

PLAYBOY: What else did you always want
that you still haven't gotten?

HOPPER: А real Santa Claus! | was very an-
gry when I found out there wasn't one. [t's
hard for me to comprehend why we trick
children into thinking there's a real Santa
Claus. Is it to set them up for the fact that
everything is bullshit later? Christmas
sucks! It's my down time. I can't get with
Christmas very much. It's difficult for me
to accept gifts, because I never give them.

19.

PLAYBOY: What's the Russian suicide chair,
what's it like to sit in and why the hell did
you do it?

HOPPER: You sit inside a circle of twenty
sticks of dynamite. The explosion creates a
vacuum, like the eye of a hurricane. Dyna-
mite won't blow in on itself. But if three in
a row dont go off, you'll be sucked out and
killed. Also, you cant raise your head
above a certain level or it will be blown off,
lasked a stunt daredevil named Ollie An-
derson to set up my experience. I got into
the middle and hoped like hell it would
work. I had to hold my cars. 1 felt a little
disoriented afterward, but besides that, I
felt fine, I was alive. I did it because I was
at the end ofa run. I was doinga Happen-
ing at Rice University, a show of my photo-
graphs and paintings. 1 set up а whole
video situation so the audience couldn't ac-
tually see me After the presentation, I told
them that if they wanted to see me in per-
son, they had to be bused to the Big H
Speedway outside town, where, in the Rus-
sian suicide chair, I was going to blow my-
self прабег the auto race. I was also really
mad. I thought there were people trying to
make a hit on me because of various things
that Га been involved in; that this would
be the perfect time for them to do it; that
they could stop chasing me around and ac-
tually get rid of me. It would take care of
everything very nicely But. . . if I got
through it, then obviously, they were going
to let me go.

Once, I'd wanted to start Easy Rider with
the suicide chair. Captain America would
get in a tissue-paper coffin designed like
the American Hag. Billy would push the
plunger and the explosion would suck off
the American-flag tissue paper. Then Pe-
ter [Fonda] would stand up and wave to the
audience. The whole effect would establish
us as trick riders in a carnival. Then we'd
make the coke deal in Mexico and go to
Mardi Gras. Later, I decided, Hey, fuck it,
I'm going to do it myself. So I did. I
thought it was a good idea. I still think itis.
Art on the edge. Put your life on the line.

20.
Is it better to burn out or fade

PLAYBOY:
away?
HOPHER: I like the direct cut.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

PILUACYONDOTY

JERRY JONES continued from page 138)

“You just dont go into a town with Tom Landry
and Tex Schramm and cut their nuts off in public.”

of the many changes Jerry has brought to
the Cowboys. He says that Hank “Tex”
Schramm, the Cowboys’ former general
manager, advised him not to get close to
the people who worked for him, especially
the players. Schramm reportedly followed
that rule assiduously. “Му understanding,”
says Jerry, “is that Tom Landry was in Tex's
home one time in twenty-nine years. And
Tex was never in Tom's home.” A compatri-
ot of Schramm’s and Landry's protests that
that’s an overstatement but admits that Tex
wasn't exactly a smooser. Jerry leans back
on his office sofa and shakes his head, and
the look on his face is pure amazement.
“One man can change a company,” he says.
“You get two people working in the same
direction and you can move mountains.”
He's obviously speaking of his partner-
ship with Jimmy Johnson, which naturally
leads to the subject of Tom Landry Even
now, that's a volatile topic in Dallas. “You
just don't go into a town with the kinds of
institutions like Tom Landry and Tex
Schramm and cut their nuts off in public
and stuff ‘em down their throats.” That
cloquent summation of the problem was
spoken by a Dallas professional man, and it
seems to capture the mood of the city: Nev

er mind that practically all of Dallas was
ready to see Landry go; they didnt like to
see an Arkansan fire him, and they didn't
like the fact that the news leaked out be-
fore Jones met with Landry personally.
The episode turned Landry into a martyr.

It started on February 25, 1989, when
The Dallas Morning News ran a front-page
picture of Jerry Jones and Jimmy Johnson
having dinner together. The photograph
was incriminating for a couple of reasons:
First, they were together in Dallas; second,
they were sitting smug as you please in a
booth at Mia's, Tom Landry's favorite restau-
rant! It’s as though these two interlopers
had dared to walk on poor Toms grave.

The picture forced everybody's hand,
and soon Jones and Schramm were flying
down to Austin to confront Landry with
the news that he had been officially re-
tired.

They met in the clubhouse of a golf
course in Austin, Landry's weekend home.
The room where Landry's career ended
was glassed on one wall, and Landry kept
his back to it. He had one of his sons with
him. A crowd gathered outside and
peered through the glass at Jerry while he

“Did you ever have a day when you just couldn't
stand to get dressed?”

talked. "Coach Landry said 1 didnt need
to fly out here to say this to him, though it
was ‘probably good publicity,” recalls Jer-
ry.

ver Landry's shoulder, the eyes of his
nds burned tiny holes through the hit
man from Arkansas.

Now, seven months after that meeting,
Jerry admits he was surprised that Landry
didn't receive the news of his dismissal
more graciously. “He had been speaking of
retirement and had been under pressure
from the media.” he says. “So to me, what
better opportunity to make that move? I've
read where he resented the fact that Jim-
my was involved in the negotiating process
and he was not. Anybody knows—
body should know—that it's not appropri-
ate for the people who're leaving to be
involved in any way with the planning for
the future, The ones going forward work
their strategy out, and the ones who aren't
don't go on.”

The afternoon sun outside his office is
beginning to cast long shadows, and Jer
is on about his sixth caffeine-free Diet
Coke. Heis leaning forward now, watching
his words carefully, but hes starting to
smile. 105 not а malicious smile but the
smile ofa man confident cnough to believe
in his own logic. This must be what one
colleague meant when he said that Jerry
Jones could say the hardest things to you
with a smile on his face.

“Coach Landry,” he says, “is a man
known for his belief that what's going to
happen is going to happen. He's a man
who has asked hundreds of men to turn in
their playbooks, telling them it's over. He's
aman whobelievesin the principle that ev-
erything can happen for the best —in oth-
er words, take this and build from it rather
than lose from it. He has literally preached
that.

“So for it to be less than that for him sur-
prised me and disappointed me.”

E
A guy discovers that his car has been
broken into, and he thinks, Goddamn,

Т hope they didnt take my Cowboys’ sea-

son tickets. When he checks the car, he

finds that the thief has left an extra set
of tickets.

— DALLAS JOKE

Jerry Jones emerges from the dark in-
nards of Texas Stadium and stops ata van-
tage point two sections above the end zone
It is Saturday morning, team-photo day.
Down on the field, his players and coaches
have already gathered for the big event.

Jerry's nostrils flare as he surveys the
scene and breathes in the crisp fall air.
“God, this is great!” he says. He looks like
George C. Scott in Patton.

At this hour of the day, the playing field
is still all in shadows, but there is a ring of
sunlight on one side of the stands that
comes from the hole in the roof of the sta-
dium, an oval opening that Texans say was
put there “so God can watch His fayorite
team play football.”

If God were watching this morning,

Hed soon see Jerry and Jimmy standing
together on the 30-yard line, shooting the
breeze about last night's pep rally. He'd see
a man dressed as Santa Claus wandering
among the athletes (the team will use a ver-
sion of this photo as a Christmas card).
Hed see Herschel Walker horsing around
with a pair of sunglasses before the picture
is taken. And Hed see Jerry meeting with
J. R. Cavagnaro, the man who runs the sta-
dium, for an update on preparations for
tomorrow's game. As Jerry and J.R. head
for the eleyator that will take them up to
the sky boxes, they pass right through the
ring of sunlight that has edged onto the
field.

Some people might consider a hole in
the roof of Texas Stadium a bad omen, but
that's not the way Jerry views things. He
made his fortune looking for dry holes.

“I was traveling for the insurance com-
pany in Oklahoma,” he says, “and every-
body kept talking to me about the
oil-and-gas business. I saw all this wealth,
but what I didn’t realize was that those
people had made their money a long time
ago, that they didn't reflect the current
state of the oil-and-gas business.” He got
into it in 1970, at a time when big compa-
nies were laying off their exploration de-
partments and geologists were looking for
jobs selling shoes.

Soon Jerry heard about one unfortunate.
ex-company man who had developed a
unique geological theory about findi
and gas. "His fundamental idea,
says, "was to drill between what were dry
holes that had defined an old river channel
called the Red Fork Channel Sands. He
had painstakingly looked at hundreds of
wells and had mapped out where these old
channel sands had gone. He'd find a pro-
ductive well in what would seem to be a
pool of gas, and then they'd drill another
well right next to it and it'd be dry. His the-
ory was that that well was right on the edge
of a channel. So what you'd want to do was
go in and find two dry holes to show the
edges of the channel.” Using this plan, Jer-
ry got in the business and drilled 14 suc-
cessful wells in a row. Between 1971 and
1980, he concentrated on Oklahoma,
drilling some 2000 wells, of which maybe
700 were good. And when a well is good,
it can be very, very good; Mike McCoy,
Jerry's partner in JMC Exploration, says
that a really great well can bring in
$50,000,000 over a 30-year period.

Butevery new well is a new risk, with lots
of money down on the front end and no
guarantees, Sort of like buymg a losing
football team.

JR. and Jerry pop into one of the sky
boxes just to look around. From this corri-
dor—which could be a hallway in a motel
somewhere in North Dakota—you'd never
imagine that there could be opulent rooms
just on the other side of these nondescript
doors. There are two levels of sky boxes in
Texas Stadium; on the bottom level are the

older ones, built with the stadium between
1969 and 1971. On the top level are the re-
ally fancy ones, the Crown Suites, built six
years ago.

Jerry checks out this particular sky box,
which isn't very opulent. But thats not hi
concern on this morning before the Wash-
ington game. Instead, he's debating with
himself about an idea to replace the back
wall of the sky box with glass, so that peo-
ple could stand in the corridor and still sce
the ball game. And the reason he wants
them to stand in the corridor is so they can
drink.

The city of Irving, home of Texas Stadi-
um, doesn't allow alcohol to be sold in the
stands. In one of those flukes of the liquor
laws, fans can take beer into the stands, but
the stadium can't sell it to them. In Irving,
only restaurants and clubs can sell alcohol,
and at Texas Stadium, the sky boxes and
surrounding areas are con
So now Jerry's mulling over a
lish lounges at various points
dors behind the sky boxes; his idea is a
the general public could come up, enjoy a
pop, then return to their seats. Standing
out there in the corridor, he mimes the ac-
tions of his targeted customer, who pays
his money, sips his drink and still stays in
touch with the game through TVs mount-
ed from the ceiling. Jerry smiles the smile
of the satisfied Dallas fan—not to mention
the satisfied owner.

Next stop is Jerry's own sky box, a room
his wife, Gene, recently refurbished. The
suite seats 34, but it's the kind of place that

if you draw only official capacity, you know
the party's a bust. Most of Jerry and Gene's
guests will watch the game standi
cocktail-party style. Those who w
however, can take their pick from among
the 12 sunken blue-leather theater chairs
facing the field, or the two blue-and-gray
E or the lwo ottomans covered in
winc-colored ostrichskin, or the half dozen
or so gray-and-taupe lounge chairs. The
place has six TV monitors and a stereo sys-
tem. And, of course, kitchen, bathroom
and coat closet.

LR. has a game to get ready for, so hc
leaves Jerry to fend for himself. Jerry
pours a Diet Coke and takes it ovcr to the
window. The front of the sky box is all
glass, with panes that rise at the press of a
button. If you're playing in hot pre-season
weather, you keep the windows shut and
turn up the air conditioning. But on a day
like today—and presumably tomorrow—
the windows should be flung open so that
the full pomp and circumstance of live
NEL. football can hit you square in the
face. Even today, with no fans in the stands
and very few players on the field, you can
feel something.

Jerry says that that something is the au-
ra of the Dallas Cowboys, and he'd be hap-
ру to sell you some.

"There's a dichotomy among N.EL. own-
ers today. In general, the men who paid bi;
dollars—$65,000,000 or more—to join
that exclusive club are more aggressive
than the owners who bought decades ago,
when you could have a franchise for less

“Hey, old buddy, you don’t have to play those cards if
you don’t like them.”

147

PLAYBOY

148

n $1,000,000. The old owners dont
want to risk eroding their nest eggs, while
the new owners have everything to lose by
sitting still. Consequently the new guys see

their business as entertainment, not foot-
ball.
Jerry Jones is in the entertainment busi-

ness. Both personally and financially, he
understands the power of image and
celebrity and hero worship. Years ago, he
ther he wanted to own a sports
ichise, wanted to be "a sports pro-
He may not yet be as smooth at
selling his new product as he wants to be,
but he knows what he has to sell. He saw it
on the face of that boy he the sweat
shirt to, and on the face of the boy's father.
Jerry has been taking meetings with super-
promoter Mark McCormack, Hes also
talking about selling Valley Ranch and
moving the team headquarters to Texas
Stadium so the Pooh-Bahs who buy Crown
Suites can go over in the middle of the day
and hold business meetings watching Cow-
boys workouts

But Jerry knows that in order to sell the
Dallas aura, he and Jimmy have to stop
this losing s and start winning again.
He knows, too, that Herschel Walker is his
fastest shot at becoming a have instead of a
have-not in the football business. The way
you rebuild football teams is to make

trades and get more than your share of

high draft picks, and Herschel is the key to
that. Herschel can't run without a team, but
Че, he can bring tlie Cowboys the be-
ginnings of a football tcam. Its a hard
bullet to bite, but Herschel helps the Cow-
boys best by running for somebody else.

this thing that would read like something
you ought to do in The Wall Street Journal,
says Jerry, “and that's why you didnt have
people butting heads to buy the team. You
have to believe that you can make changes,
that the future is going to be different. You
have to believe that if you exercise sound
business practic nd you're willing to
markel—well, | believe that's what it's go-
ng to be about.”

.
Dallas Cowboys Football
Schedule for 1989:

September 12. -. Irving Junior

High School

September 19............ Cub Scout
Pack 101

Blind
Academy

—patias sone, faxed to offices
all over Texas

ès

September 26

Game day, and the big question in Jerry's
sky box is whether or not Liz Taylor ıs fat.

Irs hard to tell from this distance. Down
on the field, Liz and Jerry are motoring out
to the 50-yard line in а covered golf cart
“Look! Jerry’s talking a blue streak,” says
onc of the ladies in the sky box. “You can
sec his hands moving.”

Then another lady gets down to it. “Well,

here's nothing on the financial end of

is she skinny oris she fat?” About this time
the golf cart stops and Liz alights—wear-
ing а loose саре. “Doesnt look good for
skinny” someone in the sky box say:
Fificen minutes later, all suspicions are
confirmed. The door opens and a gallant
Jerry Jones, formerly of Little Rock, Ar
Kansas, ushers in Elizabeth Taylor. former-
ly thin. © пу people say later,

Liz is seated in the chair of honor, front
and center, and thats when Gene Jones
Gene (short for Eugenia)
Chambers Jones is a former Miss Arkan-
sas/U.S.A. from Danville who met Jer
their freshman year at the University of
Arkansas. Within a few months, neither
was dating anyone else. They were mar-
ried in January of their junior year.

“Its an honor and a pleasure to meet
you, Miss Taylor,” Gene is saying, but Liz
responds so quietly that hardly anyone else
in the room can hear her, No matter. The
diamond on Lizs finger has probably
stunned most of the room senseless, any-
even here in glittery Г
ne sits down next to Liz and they talk
quietly while the room regains its compo-
sure. Having passed Liz off to Gene, Jerry
grabs a Diet Coke and begins to watch the
game, which already isnt going so well.
Only the first quarter and the Cowboys are
down 7-

in the shadow of the
s, it's harder than ever to separate
showbiz from football. But the Cowboys
just hauled a fumble 77 yards for a touc
down, tying the score 7—7. Now, that’s e
tertainment,

.
Half time is almost over and Jerry

is starting to sprint.
Down on the field,

ones

the players are jo

ging back out, but in a corridor on the sec-

ond floor of 1 Stadium, Jerry and two
of his executives are heading toward the
next Crown Suite, Jerry isin the lead, run-
ning with an easy gait, his cull-linked
hands pumping and his sports coat still
buttoned tight “Jerry!” says George
Hayes, who doesnt seem to have much
trouble keeping pace. “You won't have to
do this always!”

Jerry glances over shoulder but
doesn't break stride. "George, hell!” he
"This is important!”

The corridor makes a sharp right turn
and they stop short. “This it?" Jerry asks,
running a hand through his hair. George
pulls а list from his coat pocket and studies
it. “This is it," he says, and knocks on the
door as a smiling Jerry walks in talking.
“Keep your fingers crossed!” he booms,
and the surprised—and delighted—suite
occupants rise to rub shoulders with visi
ing royalty. Even if his army is down 17

Suite sales are a top priority of this
new Cowboys management. When Jerry
bought the team, only six of 113 Crown
Suites had bcen sold. To change that, Jerry
brought in Hayes, a pal from Little Rock.
By the time of the Washington game, 98

additional suites had been sold. Suite sales
topped $22,000,000 in 1989.

Besides the view and the
cocktail with their football,
owne
stroking. On game day, Cowboys scouts
drop by each suite and give the owner a
game plan; at half time, Jerry himself will
often stop and chat. After the game, suite
owners are allowed to go to the media
room to watch the postgame grilling of
Jimmy Johnson up close and personal. It's
all part of Jerry's plan to market the juice
of big-league sports, big-league media, big-
league person

Later, back in his own suite, Jerry finds
that the room has settled down some from
the hyper first half. For one thing, W
ington is now threatening a major drub-
bing. For another, Liz is gone. Midway
through the second quarter, she made her
exit, saying she was going to watch the
game on the TV in the hotel. For much of
the second quarter, she had holed up in
Jerry's bathroom while one of her people,
a woman in jeans and a long coat, consid-
ered a request for photographs. "Whore
the photographers?” the woman in the
long coat asked Gene Jones. “What papers
are they from?” Gene said she didn't know
ld find out. She also said that if
Taylor didnt want to be pho-
tographed, that would be fine, too. The
perfect hostess.

Eventually, Liz emerged from the bath-
коош and had her picture taken, even pos-
ng for a portrait with Jerry and Gene and
two of their three kids. Another souvenir
for the credenza. Then she waved to every-
one and made her violet eyes smile a
farewell smile—almost a little-girl smile—
and suddenly, the room, devoid of real star
power, felt large and a little hollow.

The Dallas Cowboys are thinking of
changing their name to the Dallas Tam-
pons. They're good for only one period,
and they don't have a second string.

— DALLAS JOKI

what suite
now get for their money is a lot of

Fourth quarter and the Redskins are up

20-7 Time for Jerry to go in.
s face is taut, determined, a game
face. He pauses a second at the top of
the steps, then prances lightly through the
fans toward the field. On either side of the
aisle, heads begin to turn and fingers be-
gin to point, but he doesn't acknowledge
them, doesnt seem to hear the 5005. His
eyes remain fixed on the horizon.

He leaps over the litte gate separating
the fans from the players, and now he’s at
ground zero, in the thick of it, on the field
of battle, in the spotlight.

In the craw of the Dallas fan:

Since he became owner, Jerry has made
it a practice to stand on the side lines dur-
ing at least part of every game. He says he’s
showing support for the team; most of the
city scems to think he’s just show

And, in fact, there is a cer

his being down there. He doesn't mingle
with the players or the coaches but instead
stands several feet away in front of the me-
dia section. He daps, he paces, he poses.
He checks his cuff links. He mouths the
word Sonovabitch! under his breath. He
cradles one elbow in his hand, his other fist
under his chin.

Jerry will tell you that ego isnt impor-
tant to him, that it's the Dallas fans who re-
ally own the Cowboys. But it takes an ego
to follow a dream, and a dream is a tricky
taskmaster. With a dream, you have to
watch your back. Jerry says he’s well aware
that when successful men start writing
their autobiographies, that’s when their
empires start to crumble. He'll also tell you
it has been only five years since he stopped
having nightmares about missing the team
bus and not getting to play.

ОГ course, he doesn't have to take the
bus anymore. He has his own Learjet.

Washington has just scored again—the
second time since Jerry has been on the
side lines—and now it’s Redskins 30, Cow-
boys 7. He daps conspicuously as his team
comes off the field. He's one of few Dallas
fans applauding, which may be the point.
But does he know yet what even some Cow-
boys fans say about the people in Dallas—
that they're whiners “too cool to get
involved"? That they'd rather drink mar-
tinis and criticize than root for the home
team?

J dad is worried about him, and so
is his wife. They think hes working wo
hard, not getting cnough rest, putting too
much of himself on the line too fast. His
business partner, Mike McCoy, says
doesn't offer Jerry advice about the Со
boys unless he's asked. “When all his li
man has wanted a certain automobile
finally gets to buy it, you dont kick the tires
and say, But what about the warranty?”

But what about the warranty? C; n posi-
tive thinking and a passion for selling cre-
ate a channel near a dry hole? Can two old
Razorbacks running together build a win-
ner before the aura fades? Ате Jerry's
pockets deep enough?

Talk with enough people about Jerry
Jones and you'll hear time and again about
his resolve. Pat Jones recalls the summer
after Jerry was told he was too small for
football; he ate and worked out for
months, and in the fall, he played. His col-
lege friend Jim Grizzle says that if Jerry
feels ıhat someone has the upper hand

against him, he'll stay up all night figuring
a way to win. Mike McCoy says that people
expecting Jerry not to be able to do some-
thing will make him work even h
“He enjoys the excitement of having pr
sure on him all the time,” says McCoy.

As for his financial exposure, Jerry tells
a Story about his first year out of college,
when he paid $125,000 in k terest on
a salary of $25,000. It so u
that his hands would shake when he picked
up a glass. "I learned my limits early,” he
says. "And I don't see the acquisition of the

Cowboys as a risk that affects me or my
family’s well-being.”

When the offense takes its position,
Steve Walsh is in at quarterback for the
final moments, relieving T It's
Jimmy Johnsoris admission of defeat. Just
the day before, Jerry was talking about
how, because hc once played the game, he
understands better than most owners what
the players are going through. "I want.
my and the players and the coaches to
know” he said, "that I hope they don't
think cur record is doing anything in any
way—in amy way—but increasing my re-
solve." Now Jerry aims his applause toward
Jimmy, who is already looking

The seconds tick. On the Di
scores of seats are already empty.

the bench, a few players are starting to as-
sume that bowed-head position that looks
so poignant in the newspaper on the day
after. Лот Landry' fans should love that.
Like Jimmy says, some pcople adapt too
well to k Н

The gun learn Suddenly,
the field is awash with people, and as Jim-
my Johnson cuts against the grain toward
the locker room, Jerry bobs and weaves
and spins his way through the crowd 10
catch up with his old teammate. They don't
say a word to each other, but Jerry reaches
th his right hand and grasps Jimmy's
d he squeezes hard as they
walk into the dark tunnel together.

“He's just asking for a drug test.”

149

PLAYBOY

150

1991 AND BEYOND

(continued from page 124)
5-series, and promises to speed up the pres-
entation of the long-awaited F-type sports
car. And England's Lotus will soon be im-
porting a pricey Miata competitor, the
$30,000 fiberglass-composite Elan road-
ized front-wheel-drive,
Ive engine and five-speed transaxle
are courtesy of Isuzu. Porsches striking
prototype, the Panamericana, offers fresh
styling. Meanwhile, the greatly improved
Carrera 2 and the wonderfully stable Car-
rera 4 carry the flag. Porsche's new Tip-
tronic ely the best sporty automatic
transmission ever. Look for copies as soon
as competitors figure it out.

Ferrari will retain its sports-car crown

ith the 348ts, а 300-hp, 170-mph speed-
ster that’s shorter, wider and considerably
faster than the 328 it replaces. New ideas
include a transverse gearbox. Heavily dis-
guised V12 convertibles have been pho-
tographed testing on the autostradas. Clues
for the shape of things to come at Ferrari
arc evident in Pininfarina's dramatic Tes-
tarossa-engined Mythos, which will appear
in the mid Nineties, very likely with a
$200,000 price tag. Finally, flash-and-dash
Fanatics can look forward to the Lambor

ghini Countachs slippery successor—the
aptly named 200-mph Diablo. The nest
decade's competition will surely produce
the most exciting line-up of cars the world
has ever seen. Start saving up.

Winston Churchill

(continued from page 95)
us, anyway) hate the very idea that our
body makes these demands. E. M. Forster,
a nearly bloodless writer if ever there was
‘one, found it curious that man should go
“day after day putting an assortment of ob-

jects into a hole in his face without becom-

ing surprised or bored."

Forster didn't come up with any good al-
ternatives, and nobody else has, either.
The next best thing, it seems, is to make all
appetites repulsive, fearful and danger-
ous. The Puritans among us once said that
man should not live to eat but should eat to
live. The new puritans веет to say that
man should eat to live because so far,
body has come up with anything better.
But—they go on—as long as man must eat,
every bite should be an exercise in dread
and loathing. With every forkful, he
should remember that he will get fat, his
arteries will become clogged, his heart will
become overworked and .. . he will die.

Just as Forster found no alternative to
eating, the modern anti-appetite crowd
hasn't really found any good alternative to
dying. But the assumption is that, with
modern science working like hell, it is only
a matter of time. However, until that great
day when we can dispense once and for all
with this messy dying business, the best
thing is to take those steps that will surely
prolong life

Some of these measures take the form of
exercise and some take the form of diet.

Now, 1 do not doubt that clean living will
lengthen the odds of your living longer. I
believed it when the high school gym and
health teacher said it—the same teacher
who said masturbating would make you
nearsighted and too slow for the basketball
team. But even if some judicious modera-
tion—in eating, drinking, masturbating
and other pleasurable activities—may
make youa beuer insurance risk, itis good
to keep the words of A. J. Liebling in mind.
“Life,” said the man who loved boxing and
food and Louisiana politics, “is nine to five
against

Or, as they say in the street, nobody gets
out of life alive.

Consider James Fixx, who preached the
benefits—physical, emotional and even
moral—of running. He wrote The Com-
plete Book of Running, the title of which
would lead you to believe it said about all
there was to say—about that subject, any-
way.

Fixx had more to say, however, and
wrote a sequel that he did not call The In-
complete Book of Running.

One of the messages Fixx preached
from every pulpit was that running was
sure protection against a heart attack.

He died of a heart attack that he suf-
fered while he was out running. He was in
early 50s. A young man, according to

the actuarial tables.

Fixx did not die because he ran. Only an
antirunning fanatic would say that. But
neither did he live because he ran. Ihe
fact is, he died in spite of all the running
that he did. He was going to die sooner or
later. One merely hopes that he actually
enjoyed the running, that it gave the life
that he did have some extra quality that
would have been missing if he had spent
that time sitting around reading or watch-
ing television. One suspects that the run-
ning did provide Fixx with something
extra in his too-short life. It certainly made
him rich, and that is more than most of us
ever realize from running.

Adelle Davis was the author of many
books, the most celebrated and popular of
which was Lets Eat Right to Keep Fit. In
that book and others, as well as through
ceascless personal appearances, Davis pro-
moted the cause of vitamins and organic
food. She crusaded against fast food,
processed food and all manner of addi-
tives and supplements. They led to an ear-
ly grave, she said, especially from cancer.

Then the crab got her.

It was the fast food and processed food
that she had eaten before she discovered
the truth, she told audiences. I remember
watching her on the ald Cavett show when
she made this argument. Here she was dy-
ing, I thought, and still clinging to the
faith, spending some of the little time she
had left to defend the message. There was
something heroic about it.

But she died, just the same. One hopes
that she enjoyed the taste of organic car-
rots and spinach and that she never really
suffered from Big Mac attacks or a craving
for Hershey bars. And one suspects that
she did not

Moderation has been considered a
virtue and a path to the good life since the
time of the Greeks. The Greeks, of course,
had a place in their crowded and chaotic
theology for Bacchus and Dionysus. And
as Edith Hamilton, the great popularizer
of Greek thought, has pointed out,
Socrates himself enjoyed staying up all
night, drinking wine and arguing philoso-
phy with the boys.

Jane Brody would certainly not have ap-
proved and would have found a way to say
so—inelegantly.

Brody is the voice of the new modera-
tion. Her pulpit is The New York Times,
where she preaches once a week in a
column called “Personal Health.” It is
probably the most widely and seriously
read column in the Times these days (no
onc takes Tom Wicker or William Safire as
seriously as Jane Brody) and is, in its way,
as depressing a sign of the times as “About
Men."

The appearance of Jane Brody in the
nation’s paper of record is the final valida-
tion of all the high school health teachers
who warned you about the perils of soft

drinks and candy. She has raised the stakes
10 the point that a kind of fearful prissi-
ness is entrenched in the Zeitgeist and
right-thinking people would die before or-
dering a T-bone, rare, and another mar-
tini, please, waiter.

Not long ago, I was trapped in the hot,
flat Piedmont region of North Carolina
during the worst heat wave in memory. 1
went out for the papers, which I intended
to enjoy along with at least one ice-cold
beer and maybe two. Hell, ГА been a good
boy. Got up and ran five miles that morn-
ing to jump-start my heart.

‘There, not far from the sports page, was
Janc Brody, shaking her finger and telling
me, “You'd better not. It’s bad for you.”

Brody's column had been syndicated out
into the provinces and the paper I was
reading gave this one the title “KEEP cool.
WITH DRINKS THAT QUENCH.” It was the sec-
ond of two parts.

A two-part article, thought, telling you
lo drink something when you are thirsty?

After a couple of paragraphs of harm-
less introductory chatter, Brody got down
to the style that suits her best. A sort of tsk-
tsk kind of schoolmarmism calculated to
make you feel uneasy, if not guilty, for actu-
ally enjoying anything.

“Many popular drinks,” she warned, “do
not satisfy the body's need for liquid re-
freshment. Beverages like fruit juices and
sugar-sweetened drinks may wet your
whistle {note the vernacular touch that
Brody uses to come off as just one of the
boys], but they contain enough sugar (nat-
ural or otherwise) to increase the bodys
need for water, not diminish it.”

Well, OK, 1 thought. / didn't exactly have
a tall peach nectar in mind, anyway.

Brody warned against dairy products in
the next paragraph and | didn't worry
about that, either, I've never liked butter-
milk.

But then, she came to me. I could almost
hear her saying, in а dry, sexless voice,
“Now you in the back of the class. . .

“And beverages that contain caffeine or
alcohol are diuretics, causing the body to
lose more water than they supply, and can-
not be counted on to satisfy the recom-
mended daily intake of six to eight glasses
of water.”

So there.

And how was I to know my body was
getting all the water it needed? Га always
thought being thirsty was a sure sign you
were dry. But Brody had a better system.

y way to tell if your body is well
hydrated is to check the color of your
urine. If you haye not caten foods like
er, carrots or beets [a damned good bet in
my case] that add color, urine should be
pale yellow; the darker the color, the more
concentrated the urine and the more liq-
uid you need to replenish water and re-
duce the stress on your kidneys.”

So now, in addition to the seven warning

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PLAYBOY

152

signals for cancer, my blood pressure,
pulse rate, cholesterol level, blood-sugar
level, calcium intake, exposure to the sun
and a multitude of other things J had to
worry about, I had to start getting nervous
about the color of my piss.

Brody went on from urine color to calo-
ries, the risk of getting cancer from drink-
ing tea and the ambivalence of caffeine.
After reading nearly a third of the page of
newsprint, 1 still didn't know what I was
supposed to drink when 1 was thirsty on a
blazing-hot summer day. But I felt sure
that it would be water. Brody would, I
thought, sing praises to the purity of water
and remind us that we are all four fifths—
or whatever—water and that we need con-
stantly to replenish and blah, blah, blah.

‘Turned out I was only half right. Brody
wants us all to drink water, but she doesn't
want us to relax. Her concluding para-
graph went like thi:

“But even at its worst, water is still likely
to be the best drink to quench thirst. But
доп! rely on thirst to prompt you to drink
or tell you when to stop. It’s safe to assume
that when the weather is warm, you need
more liquid, and a little extra cannot
hurt.

In Brody's world, one must be eternally
vigilant, for the body is always looking to
betray you, somehow.

Me—I threw the Raleigh News and Ob-
Server away, sat oul under a shade tree,
drank a cold beer and wondered il

Socrates had ever worried about the color
of his urine.

Brody has distilled her columns into two
fat, best-selling books. In the prologue to
one of them, she writes,
ciple is moderation. Except for an absolute
ban on smoking, I am not a fanatic about
anything."

Searcely anyone in this world is going to
admit to being a fanatie, and certainly no
one who works for The New York Times,
where they burn incense to moderation in
all its forms.

If Brody is a moderate, then she is a new
kind of moderate, one who believes im-
moderately in the benefits of moderation.

She is capable of a touching, simple-
minded faith in her own message. “Your
body isa machine,” she writes earnestly. “It
will run as well as its fuel allows."

Well, the body is a lot more complicated,
mysterious and treacherous than any ma-
chine. Consider Brian Piccolo or anyone
else who has had the body suddenly betray
him in some profound way. Children don't
develop leukemia because they forgot to
change their crankcase oil. Life—even
considered as mere biology—is not that
simple.

But leaving aside the sincere triteness of
her metaphors, it is interesting to consider
the rationale behind Brody's campaign to
get us all to eat and drink and behave more
moderately. The reason she falls back on,
ne and again, is that we can all live

“Do you prefer rolled, unrolled,
lubricated, unlubricated, natural or artificial
skin, ribbed, blunt or nipple end?”

longer if we'll just do the sensible thing.

In one case, she cites a report by one
of those Senate committees—this one
chaired by George McGovern—that con-
cluded proper eating habits would result
in “an 80 percent drop in the number of
obese Americans, a 25 percent decline in
deaths from heart disease, a 50 percent
drop in deaths from diabetes and a one
percent annual increase in longevity.”

Brody accepts this committee finding as
gospel, though committees like that one
tend to come and go and reach conclusions
that are frequently more politically sensi-
e than scientifically sound. Still, to be
fair, throughout her researches, Brody
cites doctors and scientists and all sorts of
experts in support of her arguments.

So who am I to quibble?

Well, Гат someone with a moderate re-
gard for the medical profession. Medical
men are capable of error. In this century,
doctors with the most impressive creden-
5 lobotomized patients or endorsed the
practice. In the 19th Century, they wrote
elaborate papers to support the thesis that
masturbation caused softening of the
spine. They also performed autopsies on
known masturbators to find the physical
proof they needed to support their theo-
ries. And, of course, they found it.

The point is that even doctors can be
nfluenced by the social climate. In Victo-
ian times, it was necessary to find medical

evidence Шш isturbation was bad for
you. In the age of denial, it is necessary to
prove the same thing about red meat.

Brody, herself, admits as much when the
topic is cholesterol.

"Some rescarchers and physicians dis-
agree with the emphasis others have
placed on fats and cholesterol as contrib-
utors to diseases of the heart and blood
vessels. They cite various studies of Ameri.
cans that failed to show a link between diet
and blood levels of cholesterol.

“Unfortunately, while analysis of the rel-
ative amounts of . . . cholesterol in a per-
son's blood can give some important clues,
its currently impossible to say with cer-
y who is and who is not ‘immune’ to
heart disease. . . . Given this uncertainty,
the advocates of dietary change say, the
le approach is for everyone to
cut back on the potentially harmful food-
stuffs. In every aspect of life, the pleasures
of a few must be sacrificed for the safety of
many, Why not, they ask, when it comes to
overconsumption of fats and cholesterol

My answer is that we haye too god-
damned many commissars around already

without having some to tell you what you
may and may not eat—for your own good,
of course.

At another point in one of her books,
Brody argues that since a low-cholesterol
diet canit do you any harm, and a high-
cholesterol diet may, isn't it prudent to go
with the former? A sort of low-rent version

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of Pascal's famous wager. The stakes, in
this case, are not eternity but a few extra
moments in this vale of tears.

You won't die of a heart attack at 42,
other words, but will die, instead, of sy
temic failure complicated by Alzheimer's
disease, spending your last years, and the
family fortune, trapped inside a nursing
home, wetting your bed, drooling all over
yourself and apprehending nothing. Much
better to go out like Jim Fixx.

Brody's approach to death is to postpone
it by any means available or possible.
Which leads one to wonder, What is the
point of life that it is so important to con-
serve it and extend it?

For Brody, life is The New York Times and
her books. In the acknowledgments of one
of them, she thanks her family for endur-
ing the eight months of six-day weeks and
14-hour days that went into the making of
the book. She also mentions (in the proud
way people have of mentioning such things
these days) that she normally works an 11-
hour day. Her priorities are plain.

Some of us might be forgiven for think-
ing that her life sounds just a little, er,
grim. Kind of joyless. You almost want to
say to her, “Lighten up a little, Jane. The
New York Times will come out tomorrow, if
the sun comes up. The fact is, you are
probably less important to the Times and
its readers than the Bloomingdale's ads."

For some of us, Il-hour days, working
for the man, do not the good life make. We
think you need a little red meat, dark ale,
laughter, fellowship and other dangerous
things .. . in moderation, of course,

Long life is probably best considered a
happy accident and not an objective to be
pursued by any means, like some kind of
fanatic. If giving up meat, say, me
chance at a couple of extra years, then just
think what giving up driving automobiles
would do to your actuarial profile. You
could never again go near the water, to
make sure you didn't drown. Never get up.
on a ladder. Stay out of the sun. Give up
sex. You could turn yourself into one of
those hysterics who stay out of tall grass
because there may be a snake in there. You
could, in short, live your life according to
your fears.

Jane Brodys Guide to Personal. Health is
full of suggestions on how to avoid drow
ing and being electrocuted and falling v
tim to other such accidents that are plainly
bad for your health. So when you start
working on living longer, you can't stop
with nutrition.

And, to be fair, it isn't merely long life
that Brody and the lesser priests of the new
faith are promising. There are secondary
benefits to a life of immoderate moder:
tion. It isnt simply a matter of not dying in
the near future. When you come down a
notch or two from the puritanical Times,
these benefits become more important.
The religion of denial when preached by,

say, Vogue promises immediate payoffs, not
the least of which is being right in the thick
of things. (The funniest titles in all of pub-
g appear in Vogue. The maga:
article on the new denial was called “Quit-
ting Is the New High.)

According to this line of thinking, if you
cat right and drink less and do your Jane
Fondas, you will be happier, sexier, busier,
richer and in general lead a lot fuller life.

This message is preached from every
pulpit in the land. Health equals better
performance and increased happiness. It
has become one of those unchallenged as-
sumptions. Nobody argues with it

But I've wondered, ever since 1 talked

with a thin, sulky New York woman one
night and listened to her say, with absolute
finality, that “no one can be fat and also be
happy" if maybe this dogmatic belief in
ness and denial as the path to happiness
asn't just one more delusion.
The woman herself made a good case.
She was on her third divorce and second
shrink—or vice versa. She lived in a
$1,000,000 apartment and spent more on
clothes in a month than a city cop takes
home in a year. She called her friends at
night to cry about how much trouble she
was having “getting it together” She'd
done her head with drugs when she lived
California. Now she was paying atten-
tion to her body because “it's the only thing
you bring into this world with you.”

I tried arguing with her. Certainly, some
fat people were happy, I said.

Nope. None of them.

How about Falstaff? 1 suggested, just to
keep things literary.

No way. All that compulsive eating and
away of hiding. Like the

ng that being thin was
ing happy?

Yes, she said, exactly.

Well, what about those adolescent girls
who starved themselves to death?

That, she replied with some indignation,
was a disease.

Since that discussion, Гуе wished that I
had thought of some comebacks that didn't
occur to me then. (Too much red meat,
probably.)

I should have asked her, just for openers,
to consider the realm of statesmanship.
Jimmy Carter was a thin man who liked to
jog апа play tennis and fish and do all sorts
of healthy, outdoor things. If he drank or
smoked cigarettes, it was one of those rare
state secrets that were never leaked. Being
from Georgia, he probably ate things that
would cause Jane Brody to fall over in a
faint. Ham and corn bread and things like
that. But as world leaders go, Carter was
probably head of the class when graded
against the standards of the new denial.

Well, did it improve his performance?
Was he a happier President for being lean
and having a low pulse rate?

Winston Churchill, on the other hand,
drank a fifth of brandy and smoked a box
of cigars a day. He also wrote brilliantly,
made the finest public speeches in the his-
tory of the English language, led his peo-
ple capably through their most solemn
ordeal when he was more than 60 years old
and generally behaved like the most re-
markable figure of the century. Further-
more, although he had his bouts with
depression (he called them his “black
dog"), he bore up under the burdens of
state with great wit and good cheer and

seemed positively to relish the pressures.
Carter bitched and moaned and wanted us
all to feel as though we weren't worthy of
his effort. He behaved pretty much the
way you would expect the followers of the
new denial to behave: pettily.

(It really is unfair that after everything
you do, all the miles you run and the
meat you don't eat and the gin you don't
drink, you are still going to have to die
just like people who are overweight. 1
enough to sour you on the whole business.)

There are other examples and they don't
prove much except that extravagant claims
can usually be discredited. (Adolf Hitler
was a vegetarian, and there was one miser-
able son of a bitch.) You can point to the

can be both. Ви... no matter.

If one wants to run ten miles a day and
subsist on a dict of raw vegetabl id bul-
gur wheat, then fine— have at it. Exercise
makes some people feel good, and so does
eating, according to some theory—gener-
ally temporary—about what is the best fu-
el for the body. It is harmless when carried
on in private; boring when made into a
cause. It lacks the appeal of real stoicism,
of cating so little and pushing oneself so
hard as to experience something tran-
scendent. It is not denial pushed to the
point of pain—the kind of sweet, liberat-
ing pain you feel when you have gone be-
yond the limit and your spirit rules your
body. Apostles of the new denial don't un-
derstand or approve of that kind of pain.
The kind that boxers, for instance, under-
stand. The new denial doesn't go much
further than a light lunch and a Jane
Fonda workout. It is woefully moderate.

All of these things occurred to me not
long ago, as J sat at my desk feeling slightly
guilty. I had just come home afiera week of
diving in the Florida Keys. The diving had
been good, even better than I'd expected.
On my second day, the owner of a dive
shop took me down below 100 feet to a
scuttled coastal freighter that lay on the

Duchess of Windsor—an Americ;
digger who succeeded in landin,
bling monar
never be too гі
spent the rest of her

proving that you sank this ship.

з gold sandy bottom, the bales of marijuana in its
a bum- hold slowly, inevitably breal
—who once said, “You can the big plans of the would-be smugglers
п or too thin,” and then had no doubt disintegrated when they

ing up, just as

The water was clear, the visibility was
excellent. We saw а five-foot green moray
a sting ray as wide as a desk and a jew:
fish that would have filled the bed of an
average pickup. All that life was clus-
tered around the dead ship in a tight web
of predation.

The beer tasted better when 1 was back
aboard the dive boat, my mouth and throat
dry from breathing compressed air.

[> rum tasted better that night.

Late Cuban food, Conch food and, one
night, a big steak well marbled and rare,
just the way I like it. Potato on the side,
extra sour cream. Roquefort on the salad.

Brandy with your coffee, sir?

Yes, indeed.

I stayed out late and got up early. I took
a day off from diving to go bonefishing,
and since the sun was shining and I al-
ready had a tan, I didn't wear a shirt or any
sun block. It felt fine. Give me those rays.

I got stung by a jellyfish and burned by
some fire coral. 1 pushed the limit of my
bottom time a little. І ate too much and
drank too much and got too much sun. By
the time I made it back home, I had the
feeling I'd been bad

Woefully immoderat

Then I was sitting at my desk, thinking
that maybe it was time to—well, to cut
back. "Io start living sensibly, I couldn't go
on like this. All the experts said so.

Who was I to defy The New York Times?

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155

PLAYBOY

156

I pushed some papers around on my
desk and decided that since I was at the
beach and it was Saturday and after 12
o'clock (weekend beach rules), I could
drink a beer, I went upstairs and got it.

A big black bruising thunderstorm was
building out over the water. The kind that
appears in the last hot days of summer and
will spend an entire morning accumulat-
ing the energy that it discharges in one vio-
lent afternoon hour. T he air was absolutely
still; the water, flat calm. There was a smell
of ozone and something else in the air.

1 carried my beer back downstairs. |
took a guilty little sip and rationalized.
There were carbohydrates in beer and they
were OK, from what I'd heard.

1 was pulling the office door shut when I
saw a blue flash and felt the air pushed out
of my lungs. There wasa loud pop, like the
sound of a bullet passing over my head. 1
made a noise of some sort, fi ii
and the force of the concussi
knees, and that is the last I remember be-
fore coming to, a minute or so later, with
my cars ringing and my nostrils full of the
smell of battery acid and the fingers on the
hand that had been holding the doorknob
tingling and numb.

Well, damn. 1 had just been hit by light-
ning.

The bolt had hit the chimney. Blow
apart. The charge had run down the chim-
ney, looking for ground, and jumped to
me, since the doorknob I was holding was
in contact with some brass weather strip-
ping. But no matter how. I had been struck
and I was still alive, which pretty much
sums up the human condition,

1 called a doctor, since it seemed like I
should.

He asked me how 1 felt.

1 told him my bones ached, but other-
wise, I felt fine.

“Any burns?” He was an old Navy flight
surgeon. My kind of doctor.

“Nope.”

“Well. lucky you.

"Anything I should do?"

"Cant think of anything."

Neither could I. Except that this called
for a celebration. It isn't every day you sur-
vive being struck by lightning. So I decid-
ed a big dinner was in order. Brown
whiskey and red meat. You don't live
forever, No matter what you eat

BIG DEAL

(continued from page 118)
José. One hundred eighty-five or 310 miles.
A breeze.

The car was a Toyota Corolla with less
than 1000 kilometers on the clock. I was a
happy man. A new car, an unknown coun-
try a road with a volcano. A road that led
to my new tropical paradise on the Pacific.

It was now approaching the morning
rush hour. At the curb, I asked the rental
agent how to get out of San José. He po
along the busy road that led past the
nt of the hotel and said, “Keep going
that way. When you get lost, ask for Pana-
ma.

1 got lost in the city three or four times
and on the last occasion was parked on a
side street, consulting the map, when an
unusually small man opened the passen-
door and sat down next to me. “You
are lost,” he said in English and handed
briefcase was coy-
ered with airline stickers.

We shook hands awkwardly in the
confines of the car, and he introduced him-
self as Señor Sánchez. His card said he was
Jefe de seguridad for something called Gru-
po Alvarez. "Chief of security" he ex-
plained. “Before that, 1 was in the police,
and Lam an ex-mayor. Where are you go-
ing?” He was very polite.

1 told him.

“We will lead you ош of San José,” he

. There was a car parked in front of us

must have pulled из afier Pd stopped.
It had a Bush campaign sticker in the rear
window. My new friend tapped my horn
and another man got out of the parked car.
I was introduced to him. His business card
had just his name and telephone number.
Ме drove off with the Bush car leading the
wa

I thought this was a good opportunity to
find out more about Costa Rica. My com-
panion was eager to talk. He had been
trained in police security in the United
States, he said. He had been trained to kill
Communists. Once there had been Com-
munists in Costa Rica. In 1948, he sai
there had been a civil wart. It was very ter-
rible for a while. The Communists had
wanted to do bad things, like take away the
liberty and the speech rights.

Fortunatel had killed most of the
Communists, but sadly, today things were
just as bad, because, even though the Com
munists had gone, nobody had any mone
The company he worked for, Señor
Sánchez said with a sigh, was totally bro-
ken.

It made hi

id to say this, but the Unit-

"And in boxing, rumors are
that Mike Tyson may soon be fighting George Foreman
for all the money in the world.”

ed States—which he loved very much be-
cause he had many friends there from his
security-training days—was no help to
Costa Rica. The United States, he said,
made lots of speeches and many promises
but in the end did nothing. Personally, he
wouldn't be surprised if there were anoth-
ercivil war in Costa Rica before very long.
The car we were following stopped with

ahonk of its horn. Señor Sánchez shook my
hand again. “We are here,” he said. “You
follow that road. It will take you to the
mountains. It will take you to Golfito. Ask
for Panama.”

“Two hours later, I was driving above a
layer of cloud. Rounding a mountain
curve, I saw two glossy black vultures eat-
ing the remains of a monkey at the side of
the road. The volcano was hidden, but
through a gap in the clouds, I could see a
wide brown river far below.

The road had been extraordinary. By
м, I realized I was driving the Pan-
merican Highway For some reason, I
had always associated this grandly named
enterprise with that thrusting America of
world fairs and expositions. But soon after
ing San José, it had deteriorated into a
1 of potholes. Sometimes there were
nals on the road; sometimes there
were dead ones. ‘There was a lot of mud.
There were big lizards. One of my two
words of Spanish, peligro, meaning danger,
was useful to know but not comforting. It
appeared on signs every few hundred feet,
always immediately at the exact location of
whatever the particular peligro happened
10 be, so that by the time you saw the sign,
you were already on top of the peligro.

Sometimes the road was washed out
from above or it was eroded from below.
‘There were many rocks and far too many
boulders. One big boulder had the word
FELIGRO painted across it. Some of the sur-
face was broken where it had been ham-
mered by boulders that had bounced off
the road and into the abyss on the other
side.

Some of the road's paving had been re-
moved. It had been taken away and not re-
placed. Perhaps someone had stolen it.
And some of the road was plain old rocky
dirt that had never known paving.

I drove through rain, fog and clouds
with all the lights on. On my left, though I
couldn't se as the Mountain of Death.
I crossed a bridge over the Río Disciplina

At first, T let myself be intimidated by
drivers of gas tankers and buses, maniacs
who deserved to be restrained and sound-
ly thrashed, who drove at me or overtook
me too closely in a blare of noise and
smoke and rubble. As I got accustomed to
the road and the nimble Toyota, however, I
began to overtake everything I saw. I was
out in front on the Pan-Am Highway. This
st driving, this was Living.

The one annoying thing was the lack of
gas stations. The car-rental agent had said
there were “many, many gas stations.” I
didn't find one until after I came out of the
mountains. At a truck stop, I topped up.
the tank and ordered huevos. Suddenly, 1
remembered more food words—con ja-
mön—and changed the order to huevos con
jamón. And uno café, decaffeinated, if pos-
sible. Sensing a linguist, the man rattled
off something about huevos and jamón and
I agreed.

The place was full of truck and bus driv-
ers. Many of them seemed unnaturally

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small. 1 myself am a short man, but they
were small men. Perfectly formed little
men, all very dirty. But I was happy. Under
the skin, we were all men of the Pan-Amer-
an Highway. | was one of the lads. Chaps
against the road, that was us. What stories
we might have told if we had spoken a lan-
guage we all understood.

My ham and eggs arrived. They had
been diced, chopped and shredded and
submerged in a pool of hot fat. “Delicioso,”
I said to the counterman and ate the lot.

It took nearly eight hours to get to
Golfito. The mountains eventually gave
way to hills, the hills began to flatten out
and toward the end, the sun came through
and lit up the brilliant green of trees and
grassy fields on both sides of the road. The
road opened up. There were very few веш.
ско signs. You could see the potholes from
- I saw the sun on the ocean, be-
ces. The water looked like a
sheet of metal. After the st of driving
through the mountains and the fog and
the the effect was n al I was
singing at the top of my voice. "My Baby
Does the Hanky-Pa an old driving fa-
vorite. I thought, Golfito and Loren Pogue,
here I come.

"The closer 1 got, the darker it got. By the
time I reached Golfito—a row of drab
wooden buildings lining a greasy water-
front—it was raming again. It looked as
though it always rained in Golfito. At the
end of the road, there was a Texaco station.

Outside it were a dog with gigantic teats
and a shirtless bald-headed man covered
with tattoos. Of the two, the dog looked as
though it would be more capable of
speech. Nearby, abandoned on a short
stretch of track, was an enormous steam
locomotive, with tender. I got out and took
a picture. The bald-headed man with the
tattoos approached

“Where are you from?” he said in per-
fect English. Not only in English but with a
London accent.
"South London,"
hplace.
ick my boots!" he sai

I said, nar

ng my

I'm from Bal-

n I was looking for Loren
Pogue. He'd heard of him, didit know
him but knew where he could be found, in
a hotel just along the street. We drove
there. Geoff, my fellow Londoner, told me
that he'd jumped ship in
ago, got drunk with some Fijians and end-
ed up in Golfito five years later. "Thought
I might as well stay here and be unem-
ployed instead of going home and being
unemployed. Its cheaper,” he said. I felt

that there was a logic to this, but I was un-
able to grasp it.
There was no sign of Loren Pogue at the

hotel. Geoff spoke to а woman at the desk.
“She says he'll be here later, maybe four
o'clock. Нез gone somewher

This was a lite irr ing. Mr. Pogue

157

PLAYBOY

158

knew I was coming. We'd been talking
about it for almost a month. Га flown all
the way from Chicago, driven through the
mountains for eight hours, caten far too
many huevos, and now he wasn't here.

*Do you want some fish and chips?"
Geoff said. “There's a great place up the
road. Cheap and cheerful. We'll find my
mate Zack. Zack knows this geezer you're
looking for—he's lived here for years."

Sure enough, Zack knew Pogue. Zack
was an American, a giant of an old man
who had almost finished his lunch when
we arrived, The fish and chips were excel-
lent. As I ate, I told Zack about my plan to
buy land in Golfito.

“Well, that could be a good idea and it
could be a real bad idea,” he said. “Would
you live on this land from the git-go or
would you kind of buy it and come back

1 wasn't concerned about that. My only
thought was to buy it and worry about the
details afterward. "Does it make a differ-
ence?" I asked.

“If you dont live on it all the time, it
could happen that them squatters will
move on your land and thats it, my friend,
that's all she wrote."

"Squatters?"

“They call ‘em campesinos. Peasants. By
Costa Rican law, land owned by outsiders,
if it ain't lived on at all times and these
campesinos come along and move onto it,
it's theirs. The government gives it to 'em.
Happens all the time I ıısed to own a lot of
land around here, but I got out. Sold up.
Now 1 just rent it, and I'm a happy man be-
cause of it. Ain't got a care in the world.
You want to come and live here, you want
to rent for a year before you buy; that's
what you want to do. You do what you like,
my friend, but that's my advice. Rent first,
buy later."

Geoff didn't have anything to say. I had
expected him to start working on the rum

at lunch, but when I asked for a beer, he or-
dered a Coke. I wondered if he and his pal
Zack were working some kind of scam.
Land for rent. That must be it. They were
rivals of Loren Pogue. Zack probably paid
Geoff a commission for steering suckers
way, that was it. | would have to be cun-
ning.

“What do you know
Pogue?” I asked Zack.

The old man chewed a forkful of food
and shook his head. “Not a lot,” he said.
“But when a man’s buyin’ land in а place he
don't know from a man he's never seen,
well, then.” I waited, but there was no
more. I began to feel as though I'd wan-
dered onto the set of a Biblical Western.

“He could be a good man. Гуе heard
people say he's a good man, and I've heard
others say different. Don't prove a thing,
does it, now?”

Geoff said, “Гуе 'eard a lot, but 1 ain't.
sayin’ nuthin.”

about Loren

I still havent met Loren Pogue. He
didn't return to the hotel, or if he did, I
didn't find him when I went back арай
My friend Perkins arrived in Golfito with
the fishing boat he was delivering to Cali-
fornia, and I spent the night on it, an-
chored across the bay from the dreary
little town. We could have gone ashore—
Perkins wanted to buy land, too—but the
idea had lost its appeal. Señor Sánchez, the
tiny Commie killer, may have had some
bearing on it. And the squatters and killer
bees. The dead parrots, the dog with the
big teats at the Texaco station. Christ, 1
огт know what it was. I could see a life-
time of fish-and-chip lunches with Geoff.
We'd talk about Balham. I would get tat-
toos and go mad. The wife would be off
like a shot. And that drive through the
mountains. How long before you got
picked off by one of the peligros, moving or
stationary?

MEDOFF

“Не ordered a round of Perrier for the house and, I
don't know . . . I just snapped.”

I had wondered why the land was cheap
and now 1 knew. It was dead simple: No-
body wanted to live there, that’s why. Fer-
haps the great majority of people in Costa
Rica would move to Chicago tomorrow if
they could, the poor bastards. 1 know thi:
їз ап arrogant and insulting thing to say—
God knows, any big city isin many waysan
earthly version of hell—but the worst part
is that it's probably the truth, horrible as it
may be.

Perkins had to get the boat moving early
the next day It was hurricane season and
he didn’t want to hang around. I would
have gone with him if it hadn't been for the
car. But it had to be driven back to San
José; the rental people had taken a blank
off my credit card. Rain was still drizzling
down when I drove out of Golfito. The
place looked as though it had been licked
all over by some kind of big, dirty animal. I
said my farewells to Zack, who was on the
street. There was no sign of Geoff.

Back in San José, after an uneventful but
stimulating drive—closer to six hours on
the return trip—1 checked in again at the
hotel and booked a flight home. T here was
nothing until Sunday. That was fine with
me. It was now Friday. I could keep the car
a couple of more days, explore San José
and the surrounding countryside. I'd paid
for the trip; I might as well make the most
of it,

L was surprised to find another edition
of The Tico Times on sale at the hotel. The
one I'd bought two days earlier must have
been left over from the previous week
This one, dated September 8, 1989, had a
story on page 14 with the headline “us.
LANDOWNERS PLEAD GUILTY TO DRUG CHARGES.”
Loren Pogue was mentioned in the second
paragraph. [t was a confusing story, be-
cause there was no suggestion that he was
involved in smuggling drugs. What Pogue
had done, however, was to be convicted of
assault and sentenced to two years’ proba-
tion for wounding squatters in a gun fight.

According to the Times, the squatters
had started building on foreign-owned
land. The land in question was part of an
estate that once belonged to Robert Vesco,
the famous swindler. He sold it to an
American who is now in a Mexican prison
awaiting extradition to the U.S. on drug-
trafficking charges. Loren Pogue, The Tico
is “the onetime administrator”
of this property.

The story continued, “Costa Rican law
permits squatters to gain title to unused
land to give campesinos a chance to own
property and to prevent speculation.”

The Times said that Mr. Pogue was
confident that he would be acquitted on
appeal. He suggested that his conviction
would be bad for Costa Rica.

“When you get a problem like this and
the government takes their side, it scares
away the investors,” he said.

That Loren. Is he a card, or what?

DECADE OF THE DRIVER

(continued from page 119)
drive VW Cabriolets. If the Miata weren't
so much fun to drive,
same danger. It's jus
and Brock Yates picked Nissans stylish and
slick 240SX. Said Yates, “A great value,
good fun and just a bit practical.” Gross
added, “Its quick, delicate, it won't upset
your insurance company and its an all-
weather charmer that handles surprisingly
well. Now, if it only had a little more
power..."

Finest-Handling Cars: “This is a tough
call,” said Lamm. “For general conditions,
I'd take the Nissan 300ZX for its combina-
ion of steering, brakes and handling. If it
even looks like rain, the Porsche 911 Car-
тега 4 wins. But if you have kidsand a budg-
et, how can you beat the Honda Prelude 51
four-wheel steering?" Gross agreed on the
300ZX, saying, “The Zs multilink rear sus-
pension and Super HICAS four-wheel
steering lend a great feeling of confidence
in high-speed maneuvers.” Yates declared
a tie among the Carrera 4, the Talon TSi
AWD and the Celica All Trac: “Four-wheel

drive is a definite winner in real-world per-
formance driving.” Stevens gave the nod to
the Carrera: "Handling doesnt get better
than this, but the Talon AWD is a close sec-
ond for a lot less money.” Cogan also liked
the Carrera and Frank loved the ZR-l:
"Handling has to do with how fast a car
will get around a corner. Corvettes rule”
.

Niftiest New Features: Never mind how
complicated it is or how much it costs, the
Mercedes-Benz 300/500SUs one-button
automatic sofitop is truly remarkable.
Frank: “Just watching the top fold and un-
fold is enough to send the Bolshoi back to
the practice bar.” Stevens commented that
he “popped the top on Rodeo Drive and
even a guy in a Testarossa pulled over to
gape. And if you somehow manage to up-
end the car, a spring-loaded roll bar rises
in a split second for protection." Yates gave
a nod to the Lexus LS 400 Air Suspension:
"More perfection in the perfect cai
Frank liked the Cadillac Allanté traction
control and Gross voted for Porsche's new
Tiptronic automatic transmission. “The
clutch pedal is gone. To upshift, you push
forward on ıhe gear lever; to downshift,

pull the lever back an inch, The computer
does the rest.” Lamm’ vote went to the
Infiniti Q45 Super HICAS steering: “It's
not as much fun as the other four-wheel-
Steering systems, because it doesn't turn as
sharply but as part of the suspension, with
all itadds in terms of stability, it's very nice.”
.

Most Boring Cars: The Yugo took some
heavy flak in this category. Stevens: “My
ex-wife was Yugoslavian, And I havent for-
given that country yet.” Lamm: “Haven't
these people gone out of business? Cogan
kindly called the Hyundai “the Beetle of
the future,” Frank voted for “any cars pow-
ered by the G.M. ‘Iron Duke’ 2.5, the Ford
2.3 push rod and the 2.2/2.5-liter Chrysler
ines.” Yates thought the Cadillac El-
а great way to get to the nurs-
y home.” And Gross agreed, calling it
he Elvis Presley memorial mobile with a
Sealy Posturepedic ride, rubber steering and.
wrapped up in velou

Thats it for Playboy Cars 1990. The
open road awaits. And dont forget, guys,
to honk as you go by

“Right, I know they're supposed to drown, but

has anyone ever thought about what we do if a boatload of horny

sailors actually makes it over here?”

159

PLAYBOY

160

(ez J 1 Bull (continued from page 96)

“Services are available that enable you to receive

financial quotations on a busy street or by a pool.’

machine ($1595) can fit inside a deep
briefcase. It can be used with any standard
telephone system or cellular phone via the
acoustic coupler provided.

The PortaFax 96 ($1495) is a portable al-
ternative when you have urgent informa-
tion to transmit. This nine-pound unit
offers all the standard features, plus op-
tional international telephone adapters.
And you can even plug it into a 12-volt
car or boat receptacle using an optional
converter. A sturdy protective case is
included.

Fujitsu Imaging Systems of America has
just added the dexExpress, a cellular mo-
bile telephone facsimile, to its product line.
Ina nutshell, the dexExpress allows users
to send and receive documents anywhere
within the range of a mobile telephone.
The entire unit, including the case, weighs
about 19 pounds and can run on A.C. or
D.C. current. The price is $2995.

ANSWERING MACHINES AND SERVICES

Aside from its annoying habit of playing
back messages such as “A trip to the Ba-
hamas can be yours if you act now..." the
answering machine is still the most popu-
lar way to keep in touch when you're away
from home. The latest models can tell you
the time and the date h message ar-
rived, allow you to monitor the sounds in
your house while you're gone, enable you
to use a touch-tone phone for message re-
trieval and even forward your messages to
another phone number. But what if you
could have the convenience of an answer-
ing machine without the worry associated

ج
E,‏

with mechanical failure or a full tape?
Well, many local telephone companies are
beginning to offer electronic answering
services as a custom calling feature.

Called voice mail by some, these elec-
tronic answering services enable you to
pick up a phone, punch in а specific code
and record your outgoing message from
any location. Likewise, you can retrieve
your messages from anywhere via the use
of a touch-tone phone and find out the
time and the date each message was lefi.
You say, “Well, sure, but my answering ma-
chine can do that.” True, but can your an-
swering machine take messages while your
phone line is busy? Most can't—but voice
mail can. Charges for this service will vary
depending upon your location, but you can
expect them to run less than ten dollars
per phone line per month.

PAGER PROPAGATION

‘The beeper, or pager, has become an in-
creasingly popular way to, as AT&T puts
it, “reach out and touch someone.” Many
models emit a soft beep and others vibrate
to physically remind you that a message
waiting. Most pagers sport a one-line LCD.
that shows a callers phone number in nu-
merical digits, and ny of these units al-
so provide a number memory so you don't
forget phone numbers on the way to a pay
phone.

New-generation pagers are now ауа
able with alphanumeric capability. These
devices can display messages of as many as
2000 characters on a scrolling screen. So
it’s possible for someone to call a central

“Now, that’s what I call a lucky bounce!”

phone number, give an operator a message
and have it show up on your pager as MIKE
JONES—312:555-1294 OF JOHN SMITH—CALL. NE
URGENT.

Another option in the paging game is
the voice pager. Similar to the teleph
company’s voice-mail system, this pager
beeps to tell you that a call has been re-
ceived. You may then listen to the recorded
message by calling a phone number and
entering a code. Yet another and perhaps
more functional voice-pager system has
the ability to transmit a callers recorded
message directly to you via a pager with a
built-in speaker.

While the standard pager does an excel-
lent job of keeping you in touch on a local
range is often limited to a 30-10-

out of town, SkyTels system provides ac-
cess to any one of 110 service areas across
the country, including Alaska and Hawaii,
A caller wishing to reach you dials a toll-
free number, enters your personal pager
number and then his own telephone num-
ber. A computer relays the signal to а com-
icati satellite, which in turn
simultaneously broadcasts the signal to
cach downlink in the system. The signal is
then routed to local paying transmitters
and ends up in the form of a telephone
number on your pagers LCD—within 30
seconds of the time the caller hangs up.
SkyPager service is $69 per month, includ-
ing the pager. Foran extra $20 per month,
you can also use SkyTalk service, which
adds voice-mail capability.

A nationwide paging system called CUE
utilizes satellite technology and local FM
transmission. The CUE system covers
more than 200 metropolitan areas in the
continental United States, as well as Puerto
Rico. This service is $55 per month and in-
dudes voice-mail capability. However, an
additional 40 cents per minute is charged
for each incoming voice message.

ANCE TO GO

In the world of high finance, brokers
and anyone else heavily into the market
need to know how their investments are
doing at a moments notice. In the past,
this type of monitor

terminal. Not anymore. Today, services are
able that enable you to receive
ancial quotations whether you're walk-
ng on a busy nhattan street or sitting
by the pool at The Regent Beverly Wilshire.

The Lotus Quolrek system provides
quotes sent directly from the exchange
floors to the Lotus Network Control Ci
ter. The information is processed instantly
and broadcast via satellite to your portable
receiver through local FM transmitters
The receiver is slightly smaller than a
checkbook and features a multiline, al-
phanumeric, LCD screen, on which quota-
tions are displaycd from your own
personal portfolio of as many as 79 issues.
More than 30,000 stock, option and future

prices are available, as formation pro-
vided by the Dow Jones News Alert service.
QuoTrek service i: ble in 22
metropolitan he receive
$399, plus the necessary monthly financial
subscriptions.

Although the QuoTrek receiver is useful
in its ability to obtain the latest financial
da it cannot alert you to important
changes in the market if you dont turn it
on. The Stock Alert system can. A Stock
Alert client does not receive a continuous
stream of data, as with a ticker board, but
instead receives. real-time information
about price or volume movement of
financial instruments that he has instruct-
ed the system to look for. Alerts may

include price changes, percent changes

and cumulative-volume changes. When
your preselected parameters for an item
are reached, the computer sends the data
to your personal pager. This new service is
available in 13 major metropolitan areas
and is compatible with any standard nu-
meric pager. Stock Alert is priced at $2750.
per month.

SPORTS PAGING

If you feel more at home in a baseball
stadium than on an exchange floor, take a
look at the Sports Page—a pocket-sized
device that receives information from
three sports-ticker services iellite on
its backlit, alphanumeric two-line screen.
Reports are updated every five minutes for
college/pro basketball and football, basc-
hall, hockey, boxing, horsc racing, Las Ve-
gas betting odds, current and future
sports schedules ry information and
even weather. A beep indicates when up-
dated data is being sent and the pager fea-
tures a memory of as many as 80 games
that you can call up instantly. Sports Page
service is ayailable in 23 metropolitan
areas for about $60 per month. Additional-
ly, the $350 pager can serve double-duty as
a local alphanumeric pager.

NEWS ANYWHERE

If Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings and Dan
Rather leave you flat, the Uniden News-
Pager is worth a look. News stories and in-
formation from international data bases
such as ОРІ. are instantly distributed by
satellite to major-metropolitan-area do
link facilities. These facilities then send
the information to your personal New:
Pager via the VHE UHF and 900 MHz a
waves. News, sports scores, weather and
financial information are displayed on the
palm-sized pagers 80-character LCD
screen. You can flag certain sporting
events and the NewsPager will alert you to
a change in the score. The device provides
the ability to communicate with a personal
computer through its serial interface for
the storage of your own personal data such
as names, addresses, telephone numbers
and schedules. Like the Sports Page, the
NewsPager also functions as a local al-
phanumeric pager. The suggested retail

price of the NewsPager is about $420,
Rates for news, sports or financial services
range from five dollars to $75 per month.

CALLS FROM ALOFT

“The captain has informed us that due
to unusually heavy airport traffic, our
scheduled arrival into the Dallas area will
be delayed by fifiy-five minutes.” These
words are enough to make even the most
patient business passenger wince. But
there's good news. With an Airfone, you
call ahead to inform your client that
ll be late.

Keeping in touch from 31,000 feet above
the continental United States is easy; just
insert a major credit card into the Airfone
base station, carry the portable handset
back to you at, dial and talk. GTE Air-
Tone service has been reduced in price and
is now only two dollars per call and two
dollars per minute to locations in the US.
and Canada and four dollars per call and
per minute to international cities.

THE LAPTOP LINK

Although devices that provide instant
access 10 stock quotes, sports scores, new:
electronic mail and facsimile transmission
put the world at your finger tips, used to-
gether they will turn your briefcase
the attaché from hell. One viable alter
tive is to plug into one of the comme
information networks such
rve, which offer these services
and much more

For people on the go, a laptop computer
with a modem is a convenient way to gain
access 10 information networks, However,
if you are interested in the ultimate in
computing portability, a new breed of su-
persmall *palmtop" computers is the an-
swer.

Companies such as Atari, with its one-
pound Portfolio ($399), and Poqet, with its
powerful one-pound PC ($1995), have bro-
ken the size barrier in personal comput-
ing. These small performers can fit inside
an interoffice envelope, come with builtin
application programs and feature elec-
tronic memory cards in place of disk
drives. They will also run foras long as 100
hours on two or three AA batteries and
have the ability to communicate with any
other computer via an external modem.

If you want the ability to telecommuni-
cate from anywhere using your laptop PC,

take a look at the Mobile Data Terminal
from Powerlek Industries ($2 This
seven-to-nine-pound package is designed

for use with Toshiba, Zenith and GRiD lap-
top PCs and consists of a cellular modem, a
threc-watt cellular transceiver and a bat-
tery pack housed inside a self-contained
e thats big enough to hold the

to satellite technology, people in
years to come may be taking international
calls on wrist-band phones. Wouldn't Gen-
eral Custer have liked that?

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PLAYBOY

162

ИШ АШ

(continued from page 100)

“For men, ‘Feelings’ is a song sung by Julio Iglesias.
Women like the pornography of emotions.’

When was the last time that Rock said “L
love you” to Mrs. Rock?
The last time was three days ago, when
L had to give her a phone message that her
business deal had fallen through. When
she came home, I said, "There's good news
and theres bad. The good news is that 1
love you; the bad news is that your offer
was refused; But you cant squander the
words or they lose their effe

Women, to Rock, ai
throw words around too e:
he words are such a formula that they
dont mean anything. Al labra—1 love
you. A poem takes effort. Men write love
poems, lyric poems. Lyric poems are
short, the literary equivalent of slam, bam,
thank you, ma'am. But women write long
novels— supposedly about love but really
about economic and social issues. Men ac-
tually want the words to mean something.
Thats why I say the great oxymoronic
book title is not War and Peace but Women
in Love”

“Then why do you think women want to
hear the wor

“Women aren't sure of themselves with
men. They assume their mates are lusting
after other women. Women treat men like
Pavlov treated his dogs. A man is supposed
to say `1 love you’ on cue. But men don't
k about their feelings. Men are
А man talking
about feelings is like women talking about
ideas. We are always ready for more
feelings, for more emotions. Maybe it's hor-
monal. For men, Feelings is a song sung by
Julio Iglesias. Women like the pornogra-
phy of emotions—to excite the feelings

ce.

jous about them.

other men, think
that. feelings and. expressions of feelings
are sissy?

y. but it's difficult except for
mpy men who've given up their
nd say ‘I love you’ as often as women
- Then there's the fad of men saying
‘Hey, 1 love you’ to other men. Like when
iah Thomas kisses Magic Johnson on the
basketball court.”

I asked Rock where he stands on the

“And if you have been following our advice ever: у week, you
should just about be wiped out by now.”

cliche that
because the:
ment.

t mean Um
. "It doesnt
u the rest of my

ying ‘I love you does
committed to you," he s:
mean I want t0 live with
life. It doesn’t mean ГЇЇ sign a prenuptial
agreement, ‘I love you’ is in the present
tense, It doesn't mean I will love you or I'll
love you forever.”

“Well, then, what is the shelf life of 'I
love you?" I asked him. “When I was
younger, I wanted to hear it because, to
me, it meant I had a date for Saturday
night. I was taken care of”

“Yeah, but for a woman, one ‘I love yow
isn't enough, They want it to go on and on.
Women want multiple ‘I love vous." ^

Later, when I dropped Rock off, he
leaned over the scat and said, “Hey, Alice, I

love you

"Rock," I said, playing Sammy to his
Frank, "you're beautiful people. Oh, yeah.
Your wife asked me to find out if you love

'm going in the house right now and

tell her I love he:

” he said
earnestly. "I dont know what it means.”

So to Rock and Spike and the Bachelors:
and Elvis, the words remain a mystery, a
very sacred thing. Men Бош a lot
of things—sending chec the mail,
having to work late, pul n time—
bur not about thi

Now, E can't speak for all women, but I
do know this: The words remain impor-
tant for me and for many other women
precisely because they are mysterious.
no mystery in ^I want to fuck
y mbiguity in “Lets live together
this year.” But “I love you" is a text more
debatable than the Torah. Mystery makes
the words almost sacred. And mystery, ex-
cept in religion, is what is missing from the
days of our lives.

For late 20th Century Americans,
finding love has become a kind of гей
gion—a quest for the Holy Grail of a rela-
tionship. There arc singles groups meeting
nightly like cults of love seekers. There are
personal ads everywhere like candles
church. Even on Passover, we end u
ig. "Why are the words 1 love you
ent from all other words?”

When someone utters the mantr:
you." it’s a sign he has lost control. He is not
trying to understand. He is too far gone to
ask all those questions about the meaning
of love—rational, financial, intellectual

ng ou

questions. And until someone writes the
best seller Intimacy Through Intimidation,
no power on earth but a mysterious inner
need can u
words.

уе

one 10 зау those

em to sa

(continued from page 84)
renegotiations.

Force your way past the color line and
immense fame and riches await. Russell
Simmons’ Def Jam label had much pop
success with hip-hoppers such as LL Cool J
and Public Enemy, at least partly because
its distribution agreement with CBS
Records ran through the pop department,
not special markets. Living Colour took
more than a year to break Vivid, its Epic
debut album, because the hard-rock quar-
tet has four black members. Ассо!
record-industry stereotypes, hard rock is
white music, even though everyone ac-
knowledges that it stems directly from
Chicago blues and that Jimi Hendrix is
‚one of its icons. Had Jagger not agreed to
invest in producing two tracks, Living
Colour might never have had a shot at a
major-label release. Its multiplatinum suc-
cess, and the reception it earned as an
opening act on the Stones’ tour, may trickle
down to the other black hard rockers who
have coalesced around the Living Col-
our-inspired Black Rock Coalition in Hol-
lywood and New York. But don't count on it.

Once past the record-label color line, an
act such as Living Colour next has to find a
way of breaking through another Jim
Crow system, this one in radio. The play
lists at album-oriented radio (AOR) sta-
tions appear to be so racially restrictive
that the format has been referred to as
apartheid-oriented radio. On the other
hand, black-oriented stations often don't
play records by black artists such as Living
Colour, Ziggy Marley and Tracy Chapman,
because of their lack of a dance beat or
conventional love ballads that are the sta-
ples of those stations. According to Steph-
ney, Vivid was deliberately not promoted
to black stations. On the other hand, for all
Public Enemys lyrical black nationalism,
its sales were achieved with a majority of
white interest. Stephney says that even at
the height of its success, not more than 40
of the 100 stations reportedly playing И
Takes a Nation of Millions were black-ori-
ented. Most of them weren't pop or AOR,
though, but college stations that wouldnt
touch a Vandross ballad or a Janet Jackson
dance track with a 2000-meter antenna. In
this context, Public Enemy's militance
plays to the same sensationalized tabloid
mentality as Guns 11 Rose:

Radio programing supposedly follows
market tastes, but race lines tend to hold
against all aural logic. Terence Trent
D'Arbys first CBS single, If You Let Me
Stay, flopped because the label tried to
promote the record at AOR stations—
which made sense because AOR is highly
Anglophile and Darby's album was the
best-selling debut album in the UK, in
1987. But D'Arby's black skin—and per-
haps an attitude that seemed a mite uppi-
ty—settled the issue for the majority of
America's FM rockers. РА,

gle, Wishing Well, gave him his U.S. break-
through. And with that single, the label's
strategy shifted from AOR to urban со
temporary—the euphemism for black-
aimed broadcasting.

Since radio and TV programers gener-
ate profits by narrow-casting—that is,
reaching only those segments of the audi-
ence that make for coherent advertising
buys—they attempt to eliminate factors
that will cause their core constituency to
tune out. By this standard, there was no
way to promote the D'Arby single—or any
other—to both AOR and urban contempo-
rary at the same time. AOR programers,
for one thing, would never have risked
challenging their (largely white male) au-
diences prejudices by playing the same
stuff as the local dance station.

“How extreme can you get about these
guys?” asks Bill Stephney. “The amazing
thing is that new music has come along, the
true inheritors of rock and roll —he' talk-
ing about hip-hoppers such as Run-DMC.
and the L.A.-based quasi gangsters
N.WA.—“and these guys won't touch it
because of the color of their skin.” He
recalls, in disgust, working at WLIR on
Long Island that played Robert Palmer's
You Are in My System, while ignoring Sys-
tem’s original version, putting Blondie's
Rapture on the air but not being permitted
to touch any black rap. WLIR was widely
regarded as one of the most adventurous
rock stations in the United States.

The most notorious example of such
builtin research prejudice occurred at
MTV The music-video channel's first pre
graming chief was Bob Pittman, a wl
ississippi native with liberal politics, who
earlier gained fame as a research-oriented
radio programer. Pittman responded to
research that indicated that the wi
teenage audience he envisioned for MTV
wouldn't tolerate the on-screen presence of
black artists. He believed in his research to
the point of refusing to air Michael Jack-
son's video for Billie Jean until threatened
with a CBS Records boycott. The impact of
its eventual screening helped subs ly
increase MTV's Nielsen rating.

Yet it seems clear that Pittman kept the
color line in place for black а of lesser
stature than Jackson and Prince. By the
time he left in 1986, ratings had fallen
back below 1.0. Responding to the over-
tures of some of his younger, hipper pro-
ducers, MTV’s new programing chief, Lee
Masters, also a veteran radio programer,
agreed to try a half-hour rap program on
Saturday mornings. “I wasn't convinced it
was gonna be big,” Masters said. “In fact, 1
told the guys not to be worried if the rat-
ings were lower than usual,” Instead, the
ratings soared right back up—and held as
MTV Raps, featuring all black artists, went
from a half hour to an hour, from weekly
to daily Today, MTV Raps is widely ге-
garded as the best music show on the air.

‘To Masters, this is not a story
a racist programer versus an enlight-
ened one. It’s about accentuating the

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positive. “The prejudice isn't the result of
racist thinking; it’s the product of the pro-
gramers' aversion to negatives. The preju-
dice against hard rockis the same, because
a lot of people don't like that either. So it's a
noise issu

Radio programers have all too readily
succumbed and one result is Axl Rose,
who seems unaware that the music he
lovi nd the music he makes—has tot
ly black roots. A quarter of a century ago,
in a ‘Top 40 climate where Otis Redding,
Barry McGuire, the Rolling Stones, the
Temptations and Simon and Garfunkel all
had access to the same audience, conne:
tions likely and unlikely impressed them-
selves on listeners hourly, In today’s world
of narrow-casting, the links among musi-
cal styles are deliberately hidden. The
AOR stations that played the Beastie Boys
are too terrified of tune-out to consider
playing the black rappers who inspired
(You Gotta} Fight for Your Right (to Parly).

Popular music reflects the real state of
America more clearly than any other cul
tural idiom because, despite everything, it
offers diversity. Nowhere else could a
white-trash punk such as Rose find such a
broad forum. Nowhere else could an an.
gry black nationalist such as Professor
Griff find a mass listenership. That is pop.
music’ glory; it is also what makes it dan-
gerous. And you can't trust what seems to
be. It would be dishonest to question the
sincerity of Lee Atwaters love for the
blues. It would he insane to forget that his
empathy with the music never deterred
him from using Willie Horton in a fashion
that makes both Rose and Griff look like
the race-baiting amateurs they ai

Amateur or not, there is a lesson in what

becomes of a race baiter. For Atwater, the
effect was sweet—his man was swept into
office. In the music industry, the cons
quences to those who tear the veil off
American apartheid differ starkly by race.

One т а Million caused Guns п’ Roses
some minor inconveniences—mainly a
spate of press criticism and the public ig-
nominy of being dumped from a bencfit
for the Gay Men's Health Crisis, an AIDS
support group in New York. But бп R
Lies, a quickie cash-in project, still sat on
the Top Pop Albums Billboard chart week
alter week, even after Rose's Rolling Stone
interview appeared in carly August.

After The Village Voice picked it up,
Griff’ interview generated far more prob-
lems for Public Enemy. Press criticism led
10 thrcats of a boycott of all PE. products.
A month later, PE. leader Chuck D called
a press conference and announced that
Griff had been expelled from the group.
Later the same week, he announced that
Public Enemy had disbanded, though be-
fore the summer was out, the band had re-
assembled, with Griff relegated to a role in
the shadow cabinet. One reason the mem
bers got back together was that elements
within the black community disapproved
of Chuck D’s bowing to white pressure.

In California last October, all of this fell
most heavily upon the shoulders of Living
Colour. It can be no simple thing for the
world’s foremost black hard-rock group to
be sponsored by Mick Jagger (who once
sang, “Black girls just want to get fucked
all night”) or to serve as cannon fodder for
audiences that come to see Englishmen in-
terpret music that's almost exclusively
bla n its origins. Rose taxed Reid and
his bandmates beyond endurance, and
probably would have done so even if they

werent the standard-bearers of the Black
Rock Coalition. On the other hand, Living
Colour is among the most prominent op-
ponents of rock-music censorship. What
response could it make to Axl Rose

The night after Rose delivered his Klan-
like Grade, Living Colour again took the
L.A. Memorial Coliscum stage and played
its show. Corey Glover wore a stor RACISM
shirt, but the band said nothing until it
played its first and biggest hit, Cult of Per
sonality. That song is prefaced by a tape of
Malcolm X intoning, “And during the few
moments that we have left, we want to talk
ight down to earth, in a language that ev-
erybody here can easily understand.
his time, Reid stopped the music and
stepped up to the microphone. “Some
things were said on this stage last night
that Î have a problem with,” he said calmly
“If you don't have a problem with gay peo-
ple, don't call them faggots. If you don't
have a problem with black people, don't
call them niggers.

“I never met a nigger in my life.” The
crowd cheered wildly, and the band
charged into the song so hard it seemed to
hope to exorcise racism from rock through
the sheer potency of its attack,

Of course, it doesn't quite work that way.
The Stones’ show had two more nights to
run. The opening-act dressing rooms
shared the same hallway. Somehow, no-
body from Guns п’ Roses ever managed to
visit Living Colour. Keith Richards did
stop by, however, to let the band know he
thought it had done a great thing.

Sadly, thats as close to a conclusion as
this article can come.

“Charles, l'm beginning to enjoy the foreplay
more than the sex."

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ХК (continued from page 88)

“Max looked at the Polaroids. They were all close-
ups. There was not one picture of the шотат face.”

“In mutilation murders, whi
common, as you know, whites ki
and blacks kill blacks. And most
far are male and under the age of forty.
So... уоште probably looking for a highly
organized white male homosexual in
thirties who knows his victims well and
lives nearby.”

Max nodded, impressed. “All this comes
from profiling, right?" he said. “The FBI's
Behavioral nce Unit."

“Right,” said Natale. “But the idea be-
hind profiling started a long time before
that. You remember the Mad Bomber?"

“Sort of,” said Max.

“In the Fifties, a guy they called the Mad
Bomber had been terrorizing New York
City for years. Sixteen years, I think it was.
A Greenwich Village psychiatrist named
James Brussel studied photos of the bomb
scenes and letters the Bomber had written.
"Then he told the cops to lock for a heavy,
foreign-born, Roman Catholic, castern-
European man between forty and fifty
years of age who lived in a city in Connecti-
cut with a maiden sister or aunt, that when
he was apprehended, hed be wearing a
double-breasted suit and—get this—that
the jacket would be buttoned.”

“So what happened?”

“The Mad Bomber was apprehended in
Waterbury, Connecticut,” said Natale. “His
name was George Metesky. There was only
опе detail in his profile Brussel got
wrong—Metesky was living with two maid-

not one. And, yeah, at the time
of his arrest, Metesky was wearing a dou-
ble-breasted suit. Buttoned.”

ively and shook

Anything else you can tell about my
killer?”

“Yeah,” said Natale. “One.”

“What's that?” said Max.

“He ain't gonna stop at just two,” said
Natale.

“Holy shit,” said Natale, opening the
door, looking Max over and seeing the
suitcase in his hand. “You really did it. You
left Babette.”

“That's right,” said Max. “I did.”

“I can't believe you actually did it.

“Well, believe it,” said Max, “because
you've got a new roommate.”

“Son of a bitch,” said Natale. “What
finally did Yhat was the last straw?"

*A mocha éclai aid Max.

“A mocha éclair," said Natale admiring-
ly. “Perfect. A mocha éda valid issue
over which to end a marriage. C'mon in.
Make yourself at home.”

Home was a small one-bedroom apart-
ment in the West Village. Natale had been
separated from his wife for almost a year,
but his apartment looked as if he had just
moyed in. There were no pictures on the
walls, no curtains on the windows, no
homey touch Unopened г
books stood everywhere.

“Ts it something he can handle and change lanes, or
should he call you back?”

Natale thought it best to lay down some
rules: He and Max would go 5
ceries and liquor. If M.
week, they would split the rent and utili
ties. Natale would sleep on the water bed in
the tiny bedroom, but Max could reserve it
on 24 hours’ notice for sleep-over dates.
The rest of the time, Max would occupy
the convertible sofa with the worn arm-

roommate eagerly, “ya think this 15 really
split city, or ya think you might get back
together?”

"How the fuck should / know?" said
Max. “I've been here only ten minutes!"

“You're right,” said Natale. “Max, bubele,
you've done the right thing. You are not
gonna regret it; mark my words. There is
so much pussy out there waiting for vou, in
six months you wont even want it any-

“I don’t want it now,” said Мах

Natale looked at Max, alarmed.

“Tony, I didn't leave my wife and child
because I wanted pussy; I left because my
marriage was intolerable.”

“Of course, of course,” said Natale. “But
wait till you see whats out there. Have I
told you about Cheryl
"Cheryl?" said Max. "Who's Cheryl?”
/ho's Cher said Natale and cackled
wickedly.

He went to an ancient desk, opened the
top drawer, withdrew a thick stack of Po-
laroids and thrust them at Max

“This is Cheryl.” said Natale.

Max looked at the Polaroids. They were
all taken with a flash and they were all
close-ups. Some featured a woman's small
but nicely shaped breasts, with and without
a lacy black bi e. Some featured a
woman's nicely shaped buttocks, with and
without black bikini panties. Some fea-
tured perhaps the same woman's pelvic
area, with and without the selfsame
panties. Some featured internal views of a.
vagina that could have interested only a
gynecologist. There was not one picture of
the woman's face.

“These are all Cheryl?" said Max.

Natale nodded proudly.

“These are all tit, tush and pussy shots.”
said Max. “Why aren't there any pictures

Natale frowned, walked over, took the
pictures out of Мах» hand and looked
them over with great interest.

"You're right,” he said. “There aren't any
ctures of her face.”
ked Max.

“Why is thai

Natale sighed.

^] dunno. I guess I must be unconscious-
ly depersonalizing her to distance myself
from her and any chance of deeper in-
volvement.”

Max nodded, as if he understood

“Why distance yourself ?" he said after a
while,

“Because I know how seriously to take
her,” said Natale.

“How seriously?” said Max.

“Not at all," said Natale. "She'sa nice girl
and a great fuck, but she's. . ..”

"Yeah... ?" said Max.

“Kind of trashy,” said Natale.

“I tell you about this new girl 1 met?”
said Natale, cautiously wedging two more
dirty dishes into a sink already stacked
above the rim with dishes that were teeter-
ing precariously.

“Cheryl, you mean?” said Max.

“No, no, Cheryl was the one I showed
you Polaroids of,” said Natale. “This one’s
Cathy. I met her last week at the salad bar
at the Korean's around the corner.”

“I don't think you've mentioned Cathy to
me,” said Max patiently.

“Anyway, I gave her my number at the
Koreans and she's been calling me practi-
cally every day. She's taking me to the op-
era tonight. La Boheme.”

“No shit,” said Max. “I didn't know you
liked opera, Tony. I see there’s a whole side
of you I know nothing about.”

“You kidding me?" said Natale. “I hate
the opera. But afterward, I plan to bring
her back here and fuck her eyes out.”

“Ah.”

"So, if you wouldn't mind, kid,” said Na-
tale, “I'd appreciate it if you could arrange
to be elsewhere between, say, ten-thirty
and, I dunno, two o'clock.”

Max sighed. “Sure, Tony”

“Thanks, Max. I appreciate it, I really
do.”

“Hey, its your apartment. I’m the guest.”

“No, its your place, tuo, МЧ, Г mcan
that,” said Natale, continuing half to him-
self. “I figure after I fuck Cathy, ГЇЇ kind of
sound her out about the possibility of hav-
ing a threesome.”

“With who?" said Max, frowning, trying
to gauge the parameters of Natales hospi-
tality,

“With Cheryl,” said Natale.

“Oh.”

Max was both relieved and disappoint-
ed. “Tell me something, Tony

“Yeah?”

“What if you go to the opera with Cathy,
you come back here, you go to bed with her
and you discover you really like her? What
happens then?"

Natale shook his head emphatically.

“Never happen,” said Natale. “Either
she'll want to make some kind of commit
ment to a relationship that I'm not ready to
make or else she'll want me to spend mon-
ey on her that I dont have. I just want to
get into her pants and then into a three-
some with Cheryl.”

“You know something?” said Max. “This
is women’ worst fantasy of how we talk
about them.”

About the time Max figured La Bohème
would be getting out, he left Natales apart-
ment and began a leisurely stroll around
the neighborhood.

He wasn't quite sure how he wanted to
kill the three and a half hours and resent-
ed having to do it. Being asked to leave

while Natale entertained ladies in bed was
something Max didn’t have time for in his
life. If the separation continued, he was re-
ally going to need to get a place of his own,
as much as he couldn't afford to be renting:
two apartments. Maybe he could handle a
sublet.

Max realized there was time now to see a
movie, which he hadn't had in months.
Hell. he had time to see two movies, but he
didn't really feel in the mood for movies
tonight.

He walked along Sixth Avenue and
turned east on Eighth Street, making his
way past the largest assemblage of shoe
stores in the free world, through throngs
of people who by day sold insurance and
airline tickets in New Jersey and by night
put on black leather and chains and pre-
tended they were heavily into kinky sex.

Max was depressed. The inyestigation of
the Smiley and Petlin cases was going
nowhere. If the killer were an attractive
blonde, that would cut the number of sus-
pects in the tristate area down to maybe
50,000. The only way they were ever going
to find her was by an act of God. Murder,
as homicide cops often said, was the easiest
crime to get away with.

His separation was a source of constant
anxiety. How he was handling it with his
parents was to avoid telling them about it.
If it progressed to divorce, he supposed he
was going to have to say something sooner
or later. He did not relish explaining it to
them,

Ilc misscd his son. He misscd holding
the boy on his lap and reading to him and
inhaling the fragrance of his newly sham-
pooed hair. When Sam wasn't being a com-
plete pain in the ass, he was unbearably
wonderful. Max was always trying to sneak
hugs, kisses and feels with him in the same
way he'd done with girls when he was in
high school.

When he got home late from work, he
would often wake Sam up to take him to
urinate, not so much to prevent bed wet-
ting—Sam had never wet his bed since be-
ing toilet trained—but because it was a
chance to cuddle with the sleepy child
while carrying him to and from the bath-
room. At such times, Max propped up his
dozing son at the toilet, aimed his wee-wee
hard-on down toward the toilet bowl and
contemplated the no-longer-far-off time
when the boy would be using his erections
for more than pissing.

He wasall too aware of how critical a pe-
riod this was in the molding of Sam's per-
sonality. Although Max and Babette were
struggling with their own present, it was
their son's past they were now forming, the
foggy period Sam would look back on
decades from now in order to discover the
sources of his unhappiness as an adult.
Max wondered just how badly his leaving
home would damage Sam.

He wondered what it would do to him.
He wondered how he'd survive if the sepa-
ration became permanent. He wondered
how long it would take for Babette to

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168

acquire a lover and how he'd feel about it.
He wondered how he'd feel if Babette's
lover moved into the apartment. Their
apartment. His apartment, for Christ's
sake; it was his before he'd even met Ba-
bette. He wondered how he'd feel about
another man’s marrying Babette and try-
ing to play father to Sam.

This thought made Max’s forehead
tighten, his chest constrict. The image of
his son with another father was infinitely
more painful than that of his wife with an-
other husband. If another man tried to
cuckold him with his son, Max would tear
the fucker to pieces for his presumption,
literally drag him out of the apartment
and kick the living shit out of him.

Maybe Babette wouldn't remarry. Maybe
she wouldnt even rush to find another
lover. Because, despite the way shed been
acung toward him, underneath all the
hurt and anger, he suspected she still loved
him. Underneath all the hurt and anger,
he loved her as well.

He thought about how they'd met. An-
other serial killer, a weirdo who called
himself The Hyena, had been stalking and
killing young women. Babette had gone
downtown to One Police Plaza—an un-
expectedly contemporary and tastefully
designed building with a landscaped
sculpture garden—with information
about the killings, information that she
claimed to have gotten psychically She
walked past Ma: the courtyard of One
Police Plaza, their eyes met and—wham-
mo!—the thunderbolt struck them both,
He'd never been so immediately or so
strongly attracted to anyone in his life.

Then he'd made the unpardonable blun-
der of observing that she was staring at
him. She'd fled, hurling herself into a taxi.
He saw the cab start up and knew he
couldn't let her ride right out of his life. He
threw himself across the hood of the cab.
The vehicle screeched to a stop, the driver
burst out of it, ready to clobber him, so
Max shoved his shield in the guy's nose
and told him if he didn’t shut the fuck up,
he'd fucking book him for harassing an
officer of the fucking law, which shut the
guy up and made Babette giggle and get
out of the cab. If ever there were such a
thing as love at first sight, that had certain-
ly been it.

So where had love gone? How had the
passion and tenderness they'd both felt in
that first year descended to the banal and
ugly scenes that now made up their mar-
riage? How had a king-sized bed, prized
for the opportunities it afforded for sexual
acrobatics, degenerated into a convenient
place to hide and not risk accidentally
touching while sleeping?

Perhaps it was just that the fresh white
excitement of romance and lust had shriv-
eled under the scorching banalities of run-
ning a household and raising a child. Or
maybe Natale was right. Maybe love was
merely the self-delusion we manufacture
to justify the trouble we take to have sex.

Max went into a bar on Sixth Avenue

and had several beers. When he finally got
back to Natale’s apartment, it was after two,
and Natale was alone and looking pensive.

“So how was La Bohème?” said Max.

“luhrifhic.”

“And how was Cathy?”

“Tuhriffic. She just left.”

“So you got into her pants.”

Natale nodded without enthusiasm.

“Was it fun?”

Natale nodded. “It was fun,” he said.
“Predictable fun. No surprises, Max. I al-
ready knew everything she was going to
say, before, during and after fucking. I'm
100 old for surprises. I already knew how
she was going to smell, to feel, to sound, to
taste. In the unlikely event I get to like her,
I know how it'll go bad, too—the hurts, the
guilts, the resentments, the accusations. Е
Know the dialog, Max; 1 know every fuck-
ing word—I've heard it that often. I swear
to God, I walk down the street and see a
cute girl, I don't just have a sex fantasy
about her like other guys, I have a fucking
Readers Digest condensed version of our
entire affair, complete with breakup, be-
fore we've reached the end of the block. It's
a special curse that comes with experi-
ence”

“Well, at least it saves a lot of time and
money,” said Max, hoping to lighten his
friend’s mood.

“Yeah,” said Natale, unlightened.

“So did you sound her out about three-
somes?” said Max, the dutiful high school
buddy pumping for det

“Yeah,” said Natale. She didnt go for

“Awww,” said Max.

“She did allow me to handcuff her to the
bed before we had sex, though. That was
no surprise, either, by the way

“Why'd you cuff her to the bed?”

Natale shrugged. “I dunno. I got two
pairs of cuffs is why, I guess. You know
something? I ask every girl I bring back
here if she wants me to cuff her to the
bed.” Natale turned to look at Max.
far, not one has said no, Max. Not one.

“Really2” said Max, impressed.

“Really,” said Natale. "I dont under-
stand that. | mean, we're talking first-date
situations here. I'm a guy they don't know.
1 could be anybody. I could be a sadist, OK?
1 could be a fucking killer. Not one of them
has said no, Max.”

"Strange," said Max.

“I mean," said Natale, “is that due to
their desire to surrender respos y for
the act of sex or to an unconscious desire
to be violated? You tell me that."

"I don't know,” said Max.

“Neither do I, Max,” said Natale. “Nei-
ther do I.”

.
“Tonight,” said Natale, “is Cheryl's birth-

Thats why you're wearing the suit?"
said Max.

“Yeah,” said Natale. "You know, I real-
ized in all the time I've been secing her, I
never once took her anywhere decent. So,

as a surprise, tonight I'm taking her to a
real fancy Italian restaurant, Toscana.”

“That's nice.”

"Yeah. She's getting all dressed up. She's
really excited."

“That sounds really nice. You know
something, ‘Tony, underneath, you may not
be such a bad guy, after all.”

“Thanks, Max,” said Natale. “By the
way, you think it might be possible for you
to kind of disappear from about ten-thirty
to, say, one o'clock?”

Max shook his head and heaved a
mighty sigh. “No problem,” he said

Max returned at half past one, figuring
hed give the birthday girl an extra half
hour in the cuffs. Natale was sitting on the
convertible sofa in his suit, his tie undone,
looking drunk and dazed.

“Uh-oh,” said Max. “What happened?
Dinner a disaster?”

Natale shook his head. “No, as a matter
of fact, dinner was great,” he said. “Cheryl
was knocked out by Toscana. I've never
seen her happier.”

“Then why are you looking like that?”

Natale shook his head almost impercep-
bly. “I dont know” he said, "maybe
there's something wrong with me. We were
drinking champagne and having so much
fun, I suddenly got this perverse idea. I
told her to takc off her panties under the
table and hand them to me.

“Yeah,” said Max, trying to visualize it.

“She did, of course. Just reached up un-
der her dress and slid them down and
handed them to me. Which got both of us
very turned on.”

“TI bet,” said Max.

“But after a while, I started feeling bad
about it, you know? I felt like I'd degraded
her and I wondered why Pd done it. I
figured it was because we'd begun to get
kind of intimate in the past couple of
weeks and it was too threatening to me,
you know? I needed to do something to
cheapen what I'd started to feel for her.”

"Yeah..."

“Sol had another glass of champagne.
But the more I drank, the guiltier I felt. I
couldn't stand the feeling, so I rationalized
that she deserved being degraded because
she was trash.”

Al Же?

“Problem is, when my patients do that, I
call it retroactive deserving and I don't let
them get away with it. I cant let myself get
away with i it, either.”

"So to make up for degrading her...
asked her to marry me.”

Max's eyes widened. “You're kidding."

“Oh, no, I'm quite serious. She accepted,
of course. We toasted our engagement with
more champagne. | called over the owner
and told him I had just proposed. He sent
over another bottle on the house. Cheryl is
more deliriously happy than any human

"A beautiful woman, at a certain space and time in her
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Glaviano has captured this art form in his international best-selling
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i a A
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| d

being has a right to be. I think I just made
the worst mistake of my entire life."

When Max opened the front door of Na-
tales apartment, he was startled to see the
girl. She, on the other hand, did not seem
at all surprised to see him.

“You must be Max,” she said.

She was maybe in her early 20s, slim,
blonde and rather pretty.

“And who must you be?" said Max.

“Cheryl,” she said.

Cheryl. His roommate's fiancée. It was
not surprising that he hadn't recognized
her He'd seen photographs of her, but
they had not been of her face.

“Cheryl,” he said. “I've heard a lot about
you.”

He was unable to look at her without get-
ting bombarded by subliminal flashes of
the Polaroid nudes.

“Did you hear our news?”

“Yes,” said Max, intrigued that the en-
gagement was still on. “Congratulations.

It made him uncomfortable that he'd
scen her bare breasts and buttocks and a
split-beaver shot of her vagina before he'd
even met her. He felt an intimacy with her
that might prove awkward, that might
tempt him to behave toward her in an in-
appropriately sexual manner. He won-
dered if she knew Natale had shown the
pictures to his buddies. He wondered if
she'd care. Maybe she wouldn't. Maybe, as

170 Natale had said, she was trash.

“1 just think Tony's such a wonderful
guy,” she said.
lly?” said Max. “Why do you think
that?” They both looked startled, then
laughed simultaneously. He hadnt meant
the question to come out in quite that way.
But he was often mystified why male
friends of his who consistently pooped on
women were so adored by them,

“I mean,” said Max, “I know Tony in a
much different way than you know him.”

“Well, I should hope so,” she said, gig-
gling.

“Yeah. But what I mean is, what is it that
you like so much about him

She furrowed her brow. “Wel

she said,

“he's real thoughtful. I mean, to propose to
me, he took me to this real expensive Ital-

ian restaurant and everything. .

“Yeah... said Max, tempted to point
out that it was the only place he'd ever tak-
en her and that the proposal was the fruit
of guilt, not planning. “What else?”

“He's real smart about what makes peo
ple tick. He's told me stuff about myself
that's been real helpful.”

Natale entered from the bathroom

“Hey, Max, I didnt know you were
here!

“Yeah,” said Cheryl, “we've been having
a nice talk. Max has been asking me what I
see in you.”

“If you can't get your best friend to run
you down," said Natale, “who can you get?"

“I got to be honest with ya, Max,” said
Natale, "I'm very disappointed."

“In what?" said Max, his mouth full of
linguine and clam sauce.

He'd had only about two hours of sleep
between the night tour in which he and
Caruso had cleared the Perfecto Gomez
case and the following day tour in which
they'd unsuccessfully interviewed four
more women in Petlins address book, look-
ing for the blonde, looking for anyone at
all whom Smiley or Petlin had known in
common and coming up with a big, fat ze-
ro, and he was not in the mood for any of
Natale’s disappointments, whatever their
source.

“I'm disappointed in the fact that you
met my fiancée right here in this very
apartment two whole nights ago and you
haven't said word one about whether you
like her.”

His fiancée. Referring to her not as
Cheryl but as his fiancée was a bad sign,
Max thought, a very bad sign, indeed.

“I like her,” said Max. “I do like her. I
mean, what's not to like? She's young, she's
pretty, she’s, uh.

БЕР

Max tried to think of more selling adjec-
tives, then shook his head.

“I'm sorry, Tony,” he said. “You just can't
show a guy split-beaver shots of a girl and
tell him she’s trash, then suddenly an-
nounce you're engaged to her and expect

MENTHOL

‚REFRESH FOR LESS

'6 Philip Morris Ho

him to accept her as this—what?—virgin
goddess or something.”

“Maybe you're right,” said Natale. “Yeah,
you're right. I never shoulda shown you
those pictures. I don't know why the hell I
did that. No, who am I kidding? I do know
why I did it.”

“You do?

“Yeah,” said Natale, “it’s the classic male-
bonding ritual—depersonalizing the fe-
male by focusing on her body, guaranteeing
there'll be no personal connection by hav-
ing no pictures of her face. It's the perfect
misogynistic act, I swear to Christ. It's ab-
solutely the perfect misogynistic act.”

“If you say so.”

“No, it absolutely is,” said Natale. “The
greater the threat, the more extreme the
measures we mobilize to combat it. And
this young woman, Cheryl, is quite a
threat, Max, quite a threat, indeed. She's
young, shes beautiful, she's sexy, shes
smart—'

"She's smart:

“Oh, yes, Max," Natale said, "she's very
smart. At times, she's even profound. You
oughta hear some of the things she comes
up with."

“OK, tell me some.”

“OK, let me think,” Natale said, looking
up and off to the side, doing a high-speed
search of everything Cheryl had said in
the past few days, editing for the trailer.
“Well, just yesterday I said to her, ‘God
bless you, Cheryl,’ and she answered, ‘She

has already.”

Max regarded Natale warily.

“She has already; " Natale repeated, a
look of fond reverence on his face.

Max nodded, prepared to let it go, then
decided he cared too much for his friend
to do so.

“Tony, Гуе got to tell you something,”
said Max, “and it may come as a big shock
to you, in view of the state you're in, be-
cause I see now that you're a very sick pup-
py: Calling God She isn't smart or
profound; it's stupid. It wasn’t even smart
or profound twenty years ago in the Six-
ties, when other people were doing it. 1
mean, I was twelve years old and I knew
that calling God She was neither smart nor
profound, it was only cute—spelled K-U-
T-E—like signing your name with a little
smiling face. Does she do that, too, sign
her name witha little smiling face?”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Natale
said, a pierced Julius Caesar to his Brutus.
"Why are you being so cruel?”

“TI tell you why” Max said. “Because
I'm your best friend, Tony Because I'm
worried about you. I think you're in terri-
ble trouble. You've divorced your wife and
youve found a cute young girl whos а
quarter century younger than you who's
good to you in bed, and instead of just en-
joying that situation for what it is, you've
blown it up into something unreal that is
going to burst right in your face and hurt
the hell out of both of you. Frankly, I was a

litle uncomfortable when you started
showing me naked Polaroids of Cheryl and
obsessing about getting Cathy into a three-
some with her, but you know what I am
now, Tony? I'm nostalgic for those discus-
sions. Do you remember what you told me
in your office about love? "Love is the self-
delusion we manufacture to justify the
trouble we take to have sex,' you said. You
couldnt possibly have picked a better illus-
tration of your point.”

Natale stared at Max a moment, then
laughed a mirthless, bitter laugh.

“This is really ironic, Max,” he said,
“you know that?”

“What is?” Max said.

“Your attacking my union with Cheryl so
cruelly, tonight of all nights.”

Union? His union? lt was even worse
than he thought

“And why is that so ironic tonight of all
nights, Tony?” Max said gently.

“Because tonight was the night I had
planned to ask you to be” tale paused
briefly for dramatic effect—"an usher at
my wedding.”

An usher at his wedding. An usher at his
wedding. As stupid and kute as he thought
Cheryl was, and as unutterably opposed as
he was to their marriage, Max was abso-
lutely devastated that Natale was consider-
ing inviting him to be an usher at his
wedding, not his best man.

171

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|Р. АХ

ON: THE

SCENE

TIES ARE BARRED

very so often, an accessory is created that serves a
specific function. As the years go by, it evolves into a
decorative fashion statement—something it never
was intended to be. Take the simple tie clip, for ex-
ample. First worn in the early 1900s, tie holders—clips,
clasps or bars—were wom for exactly that purpose, to re-

Strain a man’s tie so that it didn’t drag across his plate when
he sat down to dinner. This year, the bar is back and it's
damn the minestrone, full speed ahead. Today’s holders are
meant to be worn about one third of the way below the
knot, riding just above the top button of a suit coat or a jack-
et, so that they push the tie up. At last, the clip gets class.

Left to right: Nestled together are two 18-kt.-gold, sterling-silver and steel tie clips, by C. F. Dau from the Niessing Collection, $550 each.
Sterling-silver zigzag clip, by Lisa Jenks, $110. Steel-and-gold polka-dot tie clip, by Niessing from the Niessing Collection, $250. Sterling-
silver island tie clip with hut, trees and fish, from Paul Smith, $115. Etched sterling-silver bar with gold trim, by Peter Brams Designs,
about $45. Matte-finish gold-tone tie bar with lapis, by Anne Klein Men, $75. Small 18-kt.-gold clip with onyx, by Paul Robilotti, $725.

GRAPEVINE

Paris Sizzles

British singer MICA PARIS’ first album, So Good, was a hot debut both in England and in the U.S. So
hot that she is collaborating with the likes of Anita Baker and Prince for her follow-up record. Mica
sang for Princess Di last fall, but, she says, “I'm not here to become famous as fast as I can. ... | want
to spend the rest of my life making good music.” Right on to that.

In the years since
we last reported
on the RED HOT
CHILI PEPPERS,
nothing has
changed their ir-
repressible na-
ture, though they
do have their
clothes on this
time. The Peppers
have recently re-
turned from tour-
ing Japan and
Europe to pro-
mole another
single from
Mother's Milk.

PAUL NATKIN/ PHOTO RESERVE INC.

PAUL NATKIN/PHOTO RESERVE INC.

Shedding
Some Light
on Dawn

Sometimes dawn
looks better at night.
You think we're nuts?
Check out actress

] DAWN HAYES in her
black lingerie. Does
this look like the kind
of stuff that should
be covered up with
clothes? No way.
Dawn appears in
the movie Another
Chance. She gets as
many chances as she
needs with us.

Net Assets

Just look at what the tide brought in. Actress ANNETTE
MAY has been spotted ina commercial for an L.A. dating
service, in a Rush music video and in Back fo the Future,
Part П. Some starlets prefer playing without a net, but
Annette's no fool. She'd rather be a catch in Grapevine.

Е
E
Ё
Ё
а
Е;
ES
:

Leave It to Weaver

Last year, SIGOURNEY WEAVER vas nominated for two Oscars in
separate categories. This year, except for busting a few ghosts, Weaver is
getting ready to feather her own nest with a new baby. That's versatility.

Very Jerry
Actress-model-consort JER-
RY HALL does everything in a

breezy Texas style, from acting
in Batman to designing bath-
ing suits to babying Mick's
babies. We especially like this
dress. If you've got it, flaunt it.

G.SCHACHNES/SIPA PRESS

Pryor Restraint
Here's RICHARD PRYOR's response to
reviews of Eddie Murphy's Harlem Nights.
Pryor's particular genius is rarely cap-
tured on film — except in his own footage.

PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM
'asablanca, The

For connoisseurs of the movi
Voyager Company, 1351 Pacific Coast High-

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THE EXECUTIVE DUNK

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POTPOURRI

CLASS IN A GLASS

Now that people are even ordering designer water in bars and
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STRUM
ALONG WITH
THE JOKER

With Batmania still rip-
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like the sinister laugh
of the dark knights
archenemy, The Joker, it
figures that someone
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you guessed it—includes
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CRAZY HAND JIVE

The Naughty Victorian Hand Book (Work-
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ing part of an engr
adest i s
caressed or wiggled BC
picture is Rosey Pie, but you may prefer
ates of Paradise, Pinky Puff or the

Ploughman’s Furrow. For $
ask somebody up to see your etchings and
really have something to show.

BIG DICS

rici xd түт
сага, а deck st
of America’s most
allies. Not onl

s end up in
A boxed

Forestville, Californi:

a motley crew!

For those al you bwanas who һам
n che

September m th that t
Swaziland, where it’s pos
Majesty King Mswati 01 y
nesburg and Kruger National Park.) The price i
plus air fare. Tell King Mswati Playboy said hello.

READ OR DIE

On cold wi
ture fiction publi
forgotten pulp n
the Thirties and
for a great read.
the best pulp w
Theodore Rosca
tales of Thil
Foreign Legion
always up to his Ке
some kind of trouble. Now
Starmont House, РО. Box 851,
Mercer Island,
98040, is reprinting these and
other works of pulp fiction.
Toughest in the Legion sells for
$21.50,

178

AH, ALLEGRA!

NEXT MONTH

ROAD ROCKING

АСС ATTRACTIONS.

“THE BURGLAR WHO DROPPED IN ON ELVIS"—IN-
QUIRING MINDS AT THE WEEKLY GALAXY SEND
REFORMED THIEF BERNIE RHODENBARR TO GRACE-
LAND TO PHOTOGRAPH ELVIS' MOST PRIVATE QUAR-
TERS, HIS BEDROOM—FICTION BY LAWRENCE BLOCK

JAMES SPADER IS AN OTHERWISE MODEL HUSBAND
WHO SHAMELESSLY ADMITS TO A WEAKNESS FOR
STRIPPERS. A HIKE THROUGH THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS
WITH THE STAR OF SEX, LIES, AND VIDEOTAPE—
A PLAYBOY PROFILE BY JERRY LAZAR

"THE CARS OF ROCK AND ROLL"—A TRIBUTE TO
THOSE CELEBRATED FOUR-WHEELERS MADE FAMOUS
BY HIGH-OCTANE LYRICS—BY ALAN WELLIKOFF
PLUS: "ROAD ROCKING"—TAKE A BUMPY RIDE DOWN
MEMORY LANE, TO THE DAYS WHEN COMING OF AGE
MEANT EATING, SLEEPING AND SCORING IN YOUR CAR

“THE ANATOMY OF SEX AND POWER"—THE LATEST
RESEARCH INTO THE BRAIN'S BIOCHEMISTRY PROVES
THAT, DESPITE THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION, THE AN-
CIENT PATTERN OF THE SEXES ENDURES: MALES ARE
THE SEEKERS AND FEMALES THE GATEKEEPERS OF
SEX. FROM THE BOOK BY MICHAEL HUTCHISON

“IN THE COMPANY OF MEN"—ONE OF AMERICA'S
HOTTEST PLAYWRIGHTS CONTEMPLATES THE BATTLE

GRACELAND GIG

Г №
4

OF THE SEXES, MALE BONDING AND THE QUEST FOR
COMPANIONSHIP. HIS CONCLUSION: HANGING OUT
WITH THE GUYS IS FUNDAMENTAL TO THE GOOD
LIFE—BY DAVID MAMET

“BLUE-RIBBON GENES"—HER DAD IS TONY CURTIS,
HER MOM CHRISTINE KAUFMANN. YOU'LL BE SEEING
ALLEGRA CURTIS IN THE MOVIES, TOO. PLAYBOY
INTRODUCES YOU TO A RISING STAR.

STEPHEN HAWKING, THE INTELLECTUAL SUC-
CESSOR TO EINSTEIN, EXPLAINS IMAGINARY TIME,
BLACK HOLES AND HIS CONFLICT WITH THE POPE IN
AN ELECTRONIC-AGE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

"LOVE AND HATE AT LSU"—SAINT, SINNER, REBEL,
TIGERS COACH DALE BROWN HAS TAKEN LOUISIANA
STATE BASKETBALL FROM THE CELLAR TO THE SKY
BOX. AN IN-DEPTH PLAYBOY PROFILE OF A PROFANE
AND CONTROVERSIAL GUY—BY KEVIN COOK

PLUS: *THE GIRLS OF THE ATLANTIC COAST CON-
FERENCE,” WHO ARE GONNA WOW YOU; “LIQUID
ASSETS," AN EXPLORATION OF THE TREND TOWARD
DRINKING LESS... BUT BETTER; “PLAYBOY’S SPRING
AND SUMMER FASHION FORECAST," PART ONE, A
PREVIEW OF THE NEWEST STYLES IN TAILORED
CLOTHES; AND MUCH MORE

Ir TOOK 138 38 YEARS
TO MAKE A NON-ALCOHOLIC
BREW TASTE THis GOOD. =

Creating a non-alcoholic brew as good as aged, using only the finest ingredients.
O'Doul's wasn't easy. Then we carefully take out the alcohol,
It took talent. It took taste. It took tradition. but keep in all the great taste of a fine

But most of all it took Anheuser-Busch, premium beer.
with over 138 years of brewing excellence. Smooth. Delicious. Refreshing.
The kind of excellence you'll discover in So the next time you'd like a non-
O'Doul's. alcoholic brew, ask for O'Doul's.

O'Doul's starts as a fine premium beer. You'll enjoy the taste for years
Naturally brewed, fully fermented and cold to ci

O'pourS. THE TASTE WILL WIN YOU OVER.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

-
[117 mg "ter; 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method

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